“We’ve decided not to share Storm’s sex for now — a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime (a more progressive place? …).”

That is how Kathy Witterick and her husband, David Stocker, announced the birth of their third child, Storm. They are keeping their four month old’s sex a secret from most people. Their other children, the midwives who delivered Storm and a close family friend are the only folks besides mom and dad who know what Storm’s genitalia looks like. Those who don’t know are not happy about it. Neither are strangers who read about the family on the Internet or see the story on TV.

“If you really want to get to know someone, you don’t ask what’s between their legs,” says Stocker. People consider it a burden to have to treat children as individuals rather than sets of stereotypes. But it’s Witterick and Stocker–not the neighbor who says, “So it’s a boy, right?” every time she sees the baby–who are cast as freaks. And basically everyone believes Storm is a boy, either because boy=default and there is not a gigantic flower headband on Storm’s skull, or because “Storm” sounds like a masculine name. Either way, people are going to make their gendered assumptions whether you like it or not, mom and dad!

When I saw a teaser for the story on the Today Show this morning, my heart sank. Not because I don’t love what the family is doing, but because I know how the media will handle it and I know how the audience will react. Comments on the original story accuse the parents of being irresponsible and damaging. For not imposing gendered restrictions on their child. Matt Lauer said it is the most commented-on story the Today Show has ever had.

Every mainstream media outlet starts off by conflating sex and gender. The family is not keeping Storm’s gender a secret. They are keeping hir sex a secret. Raising a child without telling the world hir sex is not the same as refusing to allow the child to have a gender. The Today Show had some sort of “expert” on (forgive me, I can’t find the clip) to declare how foolish Storm’s parents are being. At once he claimed gendered traits are inborn and that parents must guide their children in appropriate gendered behavior. Nature doesn’t need strict guidance. You can’t have it both ways.

“There are differences between the sexes!” he insisted … which is not an argument against keeping a baby’s sex secret. What is he so anxious about? He should be confident that he–and everyone else–will soon know Storm’s sex by observing hir behavior. Right?

So glad to see this discussed! I was honestly shocked to see how people honestly believe that the parents are hurting the child by not revealing it’s sex. How??? Because the child won’t be showered in pink or blue or referred to as pretty or strong? I think it’s great- people will be forced to find gender neutral toys and clothing to give the baby, and hopefully it will make them reflect a little on gender and sex. Maybe I’m setting my hopes too high, but a girl can dream.

I like what the parents are doing. And the reactions to it is telling in a world where people are not only obsessed by the gender norms but the gender binaries are seen as so “normal” that anything that threatens that norm is struck down by hate and prejudice.

Even on Jezebel where I comment there was a bit of a shit storm in the comment section. And yes there as the usual talk there to. I at least hoped that more people was positive about this there but I guess not

This reminds me of a story from a couple of years ago, about a Swedish couple. The link is here: http://www.thelocal.se/20232/20090623/# The child was 2 when the media caught on to the story, and Pop must be nearly 4 years old now.

Lawnmadonna: I’ve been wondering why none of the news stories about Storm seem to mention Pop at all! You’d think reporters who did even a little bit of research wouldn’t be able to avoid stumbling across that story.

Seriously, it’s a munchkin. Why do you need to know what bits ze has?! Without constructs like clothes and haircuts, kids pretty much all look about the same until they hit puberty anyway!

But, oh noes, forbid we know how to treat (i.e. poison) the kid because we don’t know zir gender–which is a commentary on gender as a social construct in and of itself. How can people not see that? If you have to be told a piece of information in order to act appropriately, maybe that information shouldn’t be an appropriate behavior marker. Duh.

In terms of Pop, I’m wondering if the media has attempted to do a follow-up. If they are truly interested in the ramifications of such a decision, shouldn’t they want to know how a child whose sex is withheld from public view turns out? Or is the hand-wringing about the decision itself of more interest?

When I first read this, I sorta read it as a “confrontation vs. avoidance” type of reaction. I have never personally known any parents who did this, but I have known parents who have let the world known their child’s sex but have encouraged the child to self-express their gender in the hopes that the child will confront and challenge pre-conceptions of sex and gender (and personally, thats what my parents did with me and what I would like to do). Storm’s parents appear to be taking the avoidance idea where by not disclosing Storm’s sex, they hope Storm will avoid sex-stereotyping behavior at all (at least, this is how I read it).

Honestly, I can’t say which appear is better, but I’m open to trying both (or maybe a combination of the two).

I can sorta believe why people gender babies automatically. I recall in college reading research that people gender children a great deal by physical appearance: babies with larger eyes and/or thicker or larger lips (I hate to say the term “pouty”) are more likely to be referred to as female even when they
re dressed neutrally. Smaller eyed or thinner lipped babies get male a lot more.

Which is still bs, mostly because baby features are widely subject to change as the child, ya know, ages.

I absolutely LOVE the fact that the parents have the stones to do this, but I haven’t been able to touch this yet because of the sheer RAGE I am getting towards random commenters and the mombie hive mind.

You know, no one throws a huge fit when parents don’t tell the sex of the baby BEFORE it’s born. My friends who chose not to find out are about 50/50 with the ones who were dying to start buying pink or blue. But there’s a whole market of green and yellow stuff that is meant for those who don’t want their baby already stereotyped before they’re even born. So how is this that different?

At 4 months old, their baby is: sleeping, pooping, eating, crying, staring at ceiling fans. Even at 8 months old, or 12 months old, or 18 months old there is no difference in activities babies enjoy. Unless you’re the kind of person who believes it’s possible to “turn your kid gay” (like our lovely cable installer who told my 2 year old not to play with his doll) there’s nothing to see here.

I join the chorus thinking it’s awesome. I think we do a pretty good job not genderizing our kids, but there’s no easy way to avoid the great-grandmother who sends our boy trucks and our girl tea sets, or the constant stream of strangers who called my son strong and my daughter delicate even though they looked pretty identical through the first year.

And Suzanne, I know one woman whose mother nagged her so much about knowing the gender so she could go shopping that even though the parents didn’t want to know, they gave the doctor permission to tell the grandma. Because she was so deeply stressed out that she couldn’t buy anything for the baby until she knew the gender.

Suzanne – I’ve heard plenty of stories about relatives and friends being upset at couples who don’t reveal the sex of their fetus. And as someone who has had to shop for gifts under such circumstances, I certainly didn’t feel like there was a whole market of green and yellow stuff available (not saying it’s not out there, just that it’s slim pickins’ compared to the heaps of clearly gendered crap that saturates the baby market).

I say cheers to this couple. If nothing else, what they are doing has highlighted how much these gender constructs do matter, and how threatened people feel when even one couple decides to disregard them.

@drahill: People confused my youngest brother and sister (they’re twins). They assumed since my brother had large eyes and lips, he was the girl, and my sister with her small eyes and thin mouth, was male. Also, by this time, we all were tired of baby duty and would dress them in whatever was clean and available, and was not necessarily “gender appropriate” (gasp!)

Vague rumblings from my one Anth class: didn’t kids used to be treated as pretty much genderless until they hit a certain age? There’s some picture of a President in a dress somewhere, that I recall. Anyways, everyone is way overreacting on this issue (not you guys, media etc.) Personally, I think it would be more harmful to force a kid to identify with a certain set of arbitrary rules instead of letting them experiment. I bet 100 years from now, we’ll consider gender policing the same level as beating children who write with their left hands.

Hilary: Yeah, you’re absolutely right. I was almost always correctly assumed to be a girl because, my mother was told, I had super-long eyelashes (which I have since grown into). My youngest sister was almost always taken for a boy because (and people used to say this) she popped out with my father’s crazy Tutonic nose and jawline. people used to say “he has such strong features!” Heh.

And yes, I can recall learning from a bunch of sources that very small boys used to wear dresses or dress-like tunics. What’s amazing is that they were totally useful when it came to changing diapers – just pull it up and change the nappy! That is one reason why I dislike baby clothes today – too many things to remove to change a nappy. If I were a baby, I would value speed and accessibility in that situation.

There are so many messed-up facets to gendering children – appearances, clothes, names even (and I say that as a woman with a traditionally man’s name). Your right on the money with that!

In the end, I think it’s the parents’ right to raise their baby any goddamn way they want and everyone should just stay out of it.

But for me personally? I’m going to vary from the chorus and say that I don’t think it’s a good idea. Idealistically, I think it’s fabulous that they’re not imposing gender stereotypes on their baby, but I just feel it’s going to be a rough road ahead when baby grows up, especially with all the media attention.

But maybe I’m just an overprotective mommy. Like I said, it’s the parents’ choice and right, and it’s really nobody’s business.

@Phoenix Talon I discussed this issue with a progressive group that I love yesterday. Your opinion came up there too. E.g. “You can’t protect the child from the world.” I’m not sure this will be a problem, though.

I seem to get that hir parents want to let their child choose a gender, and that they think zhe will choose early. Don’t you think that this will happen without input, most likely by the time zhe is ready for kindergarten?

So that, if the child has expressed a preference for a gender by that point, that will be gender presented to the world when zhe goes to school, and what’s between hir legs will become irrelevant.

And what if zhe doesn’t, or if that gender is fluid? Zhe will have formed some solid memories for at least two years, from ages 3-5. And those memories will be of a family that encouraged fluidity, if the child has selected fluidity.

When my son was born, I only had one ultrasound and it was early, not too long after I found out I was pregnant. I decided that I didn’t want to know the sex of kid-to-be, as I was still getting used to the idea of the kid at all. So many people freaked out that I didn’t know his sex, my mom especially. I could never understand it.

Most of the clothes he wore during his first few months were gender neutral, since they were gifts. He was blessed with masses of blond hair, and people who didn’t know us were sure he was a girl. Most people took it in stride, but a few people got really upset. One older woman *insisted* he was a girl. Uh, nope, I’m his mom? I think I’m the expert here. Another older woman told me how pretty “she” was and when she found out he was a boy, said, “Oh, he’s so big! He’s going to be a football player!” Nope, he’s small for his age and I don’t want him to play football, but thanks for playing!

Later, I wouldn’t tell him that certain toys or behaviors were girl things or boy things, and since I have a lot of “conventionally” male interests, he seems to have taken it to heart. I think my son is happier for having had gender shoved down his throat a little less growing up.

Heaven forbid that we can’t know the gender of a child from the get-go.. You know that it’s gonna be so confusing, especially when you can’t call the kid “he or she”.. the world is gonna turn all topsy turvy, and the toy industry and baby clothing industry will go broke because there won’t be the appropriate blue/pink dichotomy… blah blah blah… /sarcasm…

The reactions to this story blow my mind. A baby is a baby is a baby.
Besides, coming from a large family, with a mix of gendered children, where clean clothes were the best – other than the adults, we all wore the spiderman underpants (supposedly made for boys), and none of us were harmed as a result.

That’s a really good point. I’ve read that the family ‘unschools’ their children, a sort of offshoot of homeschooling. I guess my concern is when Storm hits adolescence and is forced to confront head on society’s warped views on gender, and how hard that might be for Storm emotionally and psychologically no matter which gender zhe (great pronoun use) chooses to identify with. But then again, gender confusion and and bullying could happen in a family construct in which they do impose gender roles and stereotypes.

Here’s the thing–I doubt the kid will come to adolescence without realizing gender, and hir own place in it. Because young kids are curious and will be asking questions, and it’s impossible to avoid socialization, and perhaps the most significant impact of socialization at the moment is gendering.

But studies have shown that the way people treat babies is determined by their gender–even infants, who are obviously not different because of their gender, what with being infants and mostly concerned with eating, sleeping, pooping, crying. And so this is probably less about the kid getting to middle school and developing boobs or an adam’s apple, and more about waiting as long as possible for the impact of that socialization of gender to begin. I’ve always assumed (since I decided that I might want kids) that if I do have a kid, I’ll do it like this and not tell anyone it’s gender, and not explain the world to the kid with “boys do X and girls are Y,” which is some shit I’ve heard even the most thoughtful and progressive parents do. Thing is, I won’t be the only one changing the kid’s diaper, and my family will not be behind my genderless childrearing, and inevitably my mother will help with the kid and tell everyone what private bits it has, and thus will my genderless childrearing experiment fail.

But the effort is important, I think, and the decision to do something like this makes the parent more aware of how they explain the world to their kid. At least, I would imagine.