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MURPHY, N.C. – Longtime Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson was turned into what is being described as a “human pincushion” early yesterday morning when the staff of Turtletown Primitive Baptist Medical Center penetrated his flesh with a huge ass needle approximately two dozen times in a futile attempt to start an IV flowing.

Setting up the IV was meant to be the first step in a nuclear stress test his doctor had ordered after Dickerson had complained of “weird shit” going on in his thoracic cavity.

Although a team of medical technicians, nurses, and even a few physicians attempted to start the IV for what seemed like a fortnight, they were unable to achieve success.

Action News at 11 reporter Billy Bob McSneed caught up with Dickerson at McCaysville Drug and Gun where he had stopped on his way home to purchase some bandages and ammunition for his .50 caliber sniper rifle.

“I just wanted to make sure there were no blockages that could break loose and kill my ass or worse yet cause a stroke and turn me into a fucking Trump supporter,” said Dickerson, who appeared pale from loss of blood. “I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.”

“I have no clue how he’s alive and walking around,” said Dickerson’s physician, Dr. Joe Mengele III. “The bastard appears to have no vascular system at all. We can detect a heartbeat alright, but what it’s pumping and where that material is going is a mystery to us. I plan on writing a grant proposal to the National Institutes of Health or maybe the Humane Society to get some funding to study this son of a bitch. The results could be fascinating.”

Although the medical team urged Dickerson to reschedule the test next week, Dickerson demurred saying, “I’d rather have a combination root canal and colonoscopy while viewing Dancing with the Stars. Fuck this shit.”