Affairs can destroy a relationship. Do you have an agreement with your partner or is it unspoken?

Recently, my husband and I discussed the book, The State of Affairs, by Esther Perel. She’s a leading marriage and family therapist in the world today.

Affairs and infidelity are a big problem in a lot of couples I work with. I wanted to discuss my thoughts about the book and get my husband’s perspective as well since he’s not in the field of psychology. I hope you enjoy this series of discussions.

(If you'd prefer to watch the video, it's at the bottom of this post.)

Esther Perel, in her book, talks to us about affairs. This is a quote:

“So for modern love’s idealists, the very act of explicitly addressing monogamy seems to call into question the assumption of specialness that is at the heart of the romantic dream. Once we have found the one, we believe there should be no need for, no desire for and no attraction to any other.”

Me: So what do you think about that?

He: I agree.

Me: So you buy into the idealist notion that if you have found the right one, that you are never going to have any attraction to another person?

He: You shouldn’t go looking for anybody else.

Me: But that’s different, right.

He: no

Me: You know, making a choice to go looking for someone else is a different thing.

He: Right.

Me: But, do you feel like you’d never have any attraction for another person?

He: I hadn’t thought about it.

(Laughing)

Me: So, in all the almost 23 years we have been married, you have never had any attraction towards anybody else, never thought, wow, she’s beautiful or anything like that?

He: She may be pretty but I don’t think that I would be trying to pursue.

Me: Right. Thank you……(laughing). But, did you think that the fact that you found someone else attractive was evidence that I wasn’t the one for you.

He: No.

Me: Okay, so you think it’s a normal thing for people to see other people and think that they are attractive and things like that and it’s not evidence that your relationship isn’t right or anything like that.

He: Right.

Me: I think the point that she makes throughout the book is our modern notion of love is that one person is sufficient to meet all of our needs and historically that has not been the way that marriage was.

He: Right.

Me: We had extended communities and different people who filled different needs for us. The way that modern society has evolved, we now put all that burden on our romantic partner usually. It’s kind of a big burden to bear.

He: We’ve got it all now. …everything.

(Laughing)

Me: You’re responsible for everything. So she challenges the way we think about love currently. We think if our thoughts or feelings stray it’s significant. The belief that one person is enough to satisfy us and all of our needs is a very recent evolution in our relationship stances. What do you think about that?

He: I think if you want the relationship to work, honestly want it to work, then you need to make it work that way. Both sides need to adjust so that they understand it needs to work for both of us.

Me: Right. And that also can look like a lot of different things because you are assuming then that we have an agreement. I don’t know that we’ve ever spoken our agreement, but I think that our expectation of each other is that we are monogamous….

He: unh-huh

Me:….and that we are not going to pursue any attraction that we might feel towards someone else.

He: unh-huh

Me: Right?

He: yes.

Me: But, you know there are a variety of relationships. There are open relationships and polyamorous relationships where more than two people are involved. And people who have those sorts of agreements can have a fully functioning relationship as well but those are probably more explicit agreements than just a garden variety.

He: yes.

Me: But I don’t think I could ever be secure enough to be in a polyamorous relationship or an open relationship. What do you think? (laughing)

Me: Well there you go. That was the first segment of our conversation about the book, The State of Affairs by Esther Perel.

You could probably tell that we enjoyed ourselves quite a bit and got a kick out doing this kind of conversation with each other.

I did want to bring up a couple of points about what we talked about in the video. The first thing is when I first read the passage from the book about how our idealist notion of what romantic relationships are now and how that has really evolved over time. We go into that a little bit more and it becomes a little more clear. It is hard to think of everything in the moment when you are having an organic conversation the way that we did.

But, there are lots of different kinds of relationships in this world and all of them have validity if they work for the people that are in the relationships. We talked about having strictly a monogamous relationship and that’s what works for us. I said I’m way to insecure to be involved in a relationship where there is what I might perceive as competition. Now that doesn’t mean that there is not always risk of competition, but it is just an agreement, and now explicit, that we are in a monogamous relationship. We both have that expectation of each other. It doesn’t mean that I’m never going to see someone that I think is attractive and it doesn’t mean that if that happens that it means my relationship is worthless.

The biggest point is you can want or need things that your partner can’t necessarily provide to you and that is not an indictment of them as a poor partner. It is not a judgement about the validity of your relationship because that is a lot of burden to place on another person, that they would be responsible to meet every one of your needs. I think that we all are our own independent beings while being in a relationship with someone else. I don’t want to negate any other relationship structure because I’ve known people who have had other types of relationships that have worked for them. I have also had people in other types of relationships where their relationship failed. I’ve also had people who have been in very traditional, monogamous relationships that have failed. I don’t know even if there is any statistic out there about what type of relationships are most successful.

I think the most successful relationships are one where both partners feel secure and that they have a level of trust that their expectations for each other are going to be met. But for my husband and I, we have been married for a long time. We’ve never explicitly stated what we expected from our partner in terms of monogamy. Maybe we’ve done that with some other things, but most agreements (for everybody in most relationship agreements) contracts are made. They are implied. They are not explicit. If you have something that you believe, “That’s the way it should be in a relationship”, it might be especially worthwhile to talk to your partner.

I’m interested to know if you’ve been in a relationship where your expectation might have been different from your partner’s around monogamy? Have you ever been in a non-traditional relationship that you felt was healthy? Has there ever been a relationship where you explicitly discussed with your partner what some of your expectations were? Have you ever talked about that in your current relationship?

Just curious to see where everyone is on that because it was something that we had never discussed prior to this day that we did this discussion. So let me know your thoughts and I hope that you enjoyed the conversation

​ Here's a truth: Unless you truly love and respect yourself, it's very difficult to love and respect someone else, or for them to love and respect you.

This seems to be especially true with many women who have suffered emotional wounds in childhood or in other relationships. They carry with them the belief they must perform, interact, or behave in a way that pleases their partner in a relationship. Certainly, this happens for men as well.

When we sacrifice our own needs in order to gain approval or acceptance, we cannot become our true self. Sometimes, this can be effective for a while, but eventually leads to burnout in the relationship. If you do not love and care for yourself, no one on earth will ever be able to love you enough to fill that void. Eventually that inner being yearning to get their needs met, will let itself be heard. Its voice is often manifested in destructive behaviors. These can be directed towards the relationship or the self. Reflect upon how you treat and speak to yourself. Great spiritual guidance states, “Love thy neighbor as yourself.” Would your neighbors be happy if you treated them like you treat yourself? Start to recognize the words you speak to yourself. Are they words you’d speak to a friend? What was the last special thing you did for yourself? Make a commitment now to treat yourself well once per day. Your relationship will benefit; you will benefit. This special thing can be simple, cheap and easy. One thing I do between every session, is rub a nice, organic lotion on my hands. It’s a ritual that reminds me to care for myself and prepares me for the work I do with couples every day. I love this great quote by Siddhartha Gautama, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” A version is even on the back of my business card:

This site is a collection of articles designed to help you and your partner build a more fulfilling relationship. If you like what you read here and would like to go deeper, there's more resources here. Please email me if you have questions. I'll send you my 5 favorite relationship tips, just sign up here. Go over to the forum and start a conversation.

What’s the one trick to handling everything better? This answer may surprise you. If you’re committed to change, you have to maintain your own personal resources.

Your personal resources are what you possess within you which allows you to manage life. To make behavior changes, you have to draw on these resources.

If you can visualize a container you carry with you containing your personal resources. They’re always there and available to draw on. Because you draw on them, they have to be replenished regularly.

Remember, your life performance depends on these resources.

At times when they’re low, you won’t handle things as well as you might when they’re adequate. Your best chance to perform well is keeping your personal resources at maximum capacity.

To manage them well, you have to be aware of where your capacity level is, know how to replenish them and know what drains them.

To illustrate: Mom leaves work, picks up the kids, and has to get home and get dinner on the table.

Scenario #1-Mom had a crappy day. There was an accident on the way home. When she walks in, she realizes she’s forgotten to take something out to cook for dinner. She’s tired, upset, running late and trying to decide between takeout pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches.

One of the children comes into the kitchen and says, “Mom, come see what I made at school!” Mom responds in a frustrated tone, “Not now, I’m busy. Go get started on your homework.”

Scenario #2-Mom had a great day at work. She got off early and picks up the kids. Walking in the door at home, she smells the lovely scent of pot roast. She remembers putting it in the crock pot this morning. Now all she has to do is heat a veggie and dinner will be served.One of the children comes into the kitchen and says, “Mom, come see what I made at school!” Mom responds with a smile, “Sure! Do you need some help with your homework too?”

The difference in those two scenarios is the level of mom’s personal resources. In scenario #1, she is depleted. She’s scraping the bottom of her resource container. In scenario #2, her container is overflowing.

When your container is overflowing, you can pour yourself out generously on those around you.

Your first challenge is greater self-awareness. Take a moment to look back over your week. Identify a time when you reacted poorly in a situation. Were your personal resources low? Do you know what drained them?

Now you know, you can’t unknow it. So being aware of your level of personal resources, you have to take charge of them. How can you keep them as high as possible?

You must learn to keep balance between doing things for yourself and doing things for others. If you have a program of excellent self-care, you’ll keep your resources high.

When I talk about self care, I always get this question: “Isn’t that selfish?” Taking good care of your personal resources is the most unselfish thing you can do. When you are full, you can’t help but spill over on everyone else. You’ve encountered these people. Someone with good levels of personal resources is happy and joyful, open and giving. Someone whose resources are depleted is resentful and bitter, doing things grudgingly.

So what fills you up? Keeping your personal resources at a high level requires awareness, replenishment and eliminating the drains to your resources. You need your personal resources to fuel making behavior changes and sticking to a plan. It’s hard to resist impulsive or habitual behavior when resources are low.

In my work with addictions, there’s an acronym to stress times of high risk for relapse potential. It’s helpful to keep people on track with behavior change too. The acronym is HALT-Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. I like to add Rushing, Distracted or in Pain. Any of these deplete your personal resources.

In addition, any unresolved issues can be a hole in your bucket. Childhood trauma or other huge stressors will continuously drain your container. Once you know what’s draining it, you have to take steps to eliminate the drains as quickly as possible.

To be effective in maintaining behavior changes and dealing effectively with others, you must be responsible to maintain your own personal resources.

Now let’s twist this up a bit: Your partner has a container holding their personal resources. Their container has to be replenished regularly. Their life performance depends on these resources. At times when they’re low, your partner won’t handle things as well as they might otherwise.

Go back to the mom story. The child in the story behaved the same in both scenarios. The child was in no way responsible for mom’s response. The only difference was the level of mom’s personal resources. Mom’s response had absolutely nothing to do with the child.

Look back over your week. Was there a time your partner acted poorly? If you were involved, did you take it personally? Is it possible their personal resources were low? What was draining them? What fills your partner up? What drains your partner’s container? What holes does your partner have in their container? If you began to have empathy for your partner how much difference would it make in your feeling hurt?

Being attentive to your own personal resources will help support your good in the world. Being aware of low resource times can help you and your partner avoid taking reactions personally. Recognizing times of high risk for impulsivity can further reduce misunderstandings.

The recap:

Increase your awareness of your personal resource level

Work on continuous replenishment of your personal resources

Recognize what drains you and address those things as soon as you can

Your partner’s actions are related to their level of resources as well.

Practice Time: There’s a worksheet for this post here. Take the time to learn and understand more about yourself and your partner. It’ll be worth extra points if you do!

All relationships go through a predictable cycle of tension and relief. The stages are recognizable to most of us if we’ve stuck around long enough to go though one round of the cycle. ​ There’s many different versions of this, but a simple and understandable graph is pictured below.

​ Most of us have been in the Attraction state. This is the start of a relationship, the “getting to know you” part. This feels fresh and exciting as you grow closer and closer to each other. This is usually a lot of fun! We want to fit and we sometimes ignore signs that we don’t. If this phase goes well, we move on to the Love part of the cycle.

Love is where this emotional connection grows. Usually, this is fun and exciting as well. We continue to learn about each other and if this part goes well, we may move on to the commitment part of the cycle. Commitment is where we make an agreement to be with and for each other. We may get married or have children together. We think we’re going to be blissfully happy forever. Sadly, there is a next phase.

Conflict is bound to occur in all relationships. Because a committed relationship is the fertile ground for our own self growth, we are going to be uncomfortable. All couples are bound to have conflict because no two people agree on everything. When we don’t agree, we have to negotiate.

Success at negotiation isn’t guaranteed, but it is necessary. This is the part that feels really bad. We can become very upset that our partner isn’t doing what we want them to do or thinking about things the same way we do. When negotiation fails, it’s often the demise of the relationship. This is often when a relationship hits crisis mode as well. This is when many people give up on the relationship.

When negotiation and communication continues, a couple comes to a place of Acceptance of each other and the differences between themselves. After moving through acceptance, you move back into the loving part of the cycle. Your love and commitment deepens and things are smooth again.

Don’t think you’re done yet though!

Of course, you move on around again. Each cycle bringing fresh new conflict and things to negotiate about. Each cycle bringing new opportunities to deepen and strengthen that relationship.

To make it through this cycle, a couple has to remain committed to coming back to their seats at the negotiation table. They must make the choice to continue to move forward in a shared mission to reach that Love part again and again.

In considering this cycle, I recognize that my husband and I have moved through this hundreds of times. At times, I’ve wanted to take the “out” instead of continuing to hang in there. (He probably feels the same way.) So far, it has always been worth it to get to the other side. As you complete this process, you start to gain confidence that you can move through conflict and reach Love again. Your urge to bail may become less when you experience this. Our cycles have gotten less and less pronounced over the past 10 years or so. I believe this is because we both have reached a level of security with each other. It’s in those times of conflict our secure bond with each other gets rattled and much of our reactions are simply fear of loss. That’s not a huge concern for us…..at the moment! Always subject to change!

So, what about you? Do you recognize how you and your partner have moved through this cycle? How did you get back around to the love part? Are you stuck in the cycle right now? Let me know what you think Allison@allisonvelez.com

Yes, you’d be surprised to know how many times I have to give couples an assignment to teach them how to listen! Seems crazy, but when they actually do, it makes a world of difference.

The problem is, it takes effort and most of us can’t be bothered. It also requires us to deal with any feelings we have without reacting right away.

This is a GREAT practice that most of us could improve on! If you find your communication isn’t going to well, go in with a PLAN. A plan can help you stay on track and it gives you a framework to follow instead of just letting your feelings take over. In every communication, there’s two roles to play. One person is the speaker and one person is the listener. When we speak our basic objective is to have a message heard. This is a speaker’s responsibility too. While our speech is considered our most effective method of communication, we communicate by body language, gestures, tone, etc. If you want to improve your communication, here’s the PLAN. It is based on Imago Therapy. Now this is a structure, so it’s going to feel confining. It’s supposed to! A structure keeps you contained. Isn’t that the point? If you are willing to do anything to save your relationship, this isn’t a big deal is it???? So, here’s the outline:

For the “Speaker”:

1. Make an appointment. Now this doesn’t have to be formal, but you should make sure it’s a good time and that your partner is willing to talk at that point. So many people sabotage a conversation by starting it right at bedtime when all their partner wants to do is sleep! How do you expect that to go???So you ask, can we talk for a minute? Are you available to discuss something with me? This is a REQUEST not a DEMAND, so no reaction to feeling rejected, ask for a better time to do this. Step 2 is state your topic succinctly and using nonviolent language. Focus on your feelings and don’t tell your partner’s story. Things to stay away from “you never”, “you always” and anything insulting. (Read more about nonviolent communication here.) Generally it’s a good idea to stay away from the word you at all. Remember writing things out is a great way to practice! Your goal is to be heard, this means avoiding triggering your partner’s defenses. Remember this is growth, so expect pain! Step 3 is stay on topic. You can’t solve every issue. If you tend to be a kitchen sinker, time for a behavior change! Learn how to be really effective at this and you can resolve issues, but only one at a time. Step 4 is to Thank your partner for listening Now the Listeners have rules too! Rules for the listener:

​ Your rule #1--Listen only. No speaking. Don’t interrupt. If you feel something rising up in you that wants to retort, focus on the words your partner is saying. Do you ever watch Judge Judy? Sometimes they have a case there between people who were in a relationship that’s now gone bad. One person starts talking and the other cannot control themselves, they speak out and interrupt. Judge Judy jumps in and says be quiet or you’ll be out of my courtroom. You can laugh about that and shake your head, but how often do we do the same thing to our partner? The only problem is we don’t have a Judge Judy to intervene, so our partner has to fight for their right to be heard. Pretend you have Judge Judy sitting in front of you.

The second rule for the listener is to mirror back what was heard. When the speaker is finished, you say, “What I heard you say was……(here you will paraphrase in your own words what you heard your partner say)”. You aren’t putting your assumptions in the mix; you aren’t agreeing. This is a fact based exchange. “I heard you say……” Then rule #3 is to ask 2 specific questions. Did I get that right? To which the speaker will say “yes” or “no”. If the answer is no, the speaker can further clarify. After the clarification, the listener will again paraphrase and ask, “Did I get that right?” The second question is, “Is there more?” The speaker will then respond “no” or “yes”. If the answer is yes, the speaker will continue to elaborate. This process gets repeated for as long as the speaker needs to speak. If you stick to the one topic rule, then it shouldn’t take more than one or two times asking that question to get to the end. The speaker and the listener should agree that they are both understanding the issue from the speaker’s perspective at this point. Rule #4 for the listener is to validate with empathy. Validation does not equate to agreement. Validation means if you really heard your partner, you can begin to see their perspective. You might demonstrate this by saying, “I can see why you’d feel that way because…..” or, “ I can see why you’d react in that way........” Developing empathy and validating your partner shows respect for their feelings. It doesn’t mean you think they are right or wrong. Rule #5 for the Listener is to thank their partner for sharing. You can now repeat this process reversing roles, but the point is to hear each other, not to prove someone right or wrong.Playing Alone????What if your partner won’t go along with this? You can absolutely do this solo. Your partner might not follow the Listening rules when you’re talking, but you can follow the Speaker’s rules. You can listen better to your partner by following this outline. Either way, I’m betting things will go more smoothly in communication.

Remember, behind every complaint is a deep personal need. How will you discover what it is if you don’t listen well? If your relationship is going to change, you have to change. If you adopt some positive behaviors, your relationship will improve. Make a commitment to speak or listen according to this script for the next two weeks. I’m confident you’ll see some change in your relationship.

Practice Time: Follow the script for speaking and listening even if your partner isn’t playing with you. Use the script for either speaking or listening every day for the next two weeks. It’s one of those little changes that will have a big impact. If you get stuck or have questions, email me or come over to the forum. Good luck and let me know if I can help! Listening well,​ Allison

A guiding philosophy in my work is all of our experience is made up of our thoughts, our feelings, and our behaviors. These three areas make up our world. They respond and interplay with each other, but are also very distinct. Our tendency is to mesh them all together and not differentiate between them.

I constantly encourage people to imagine looking at their thoughts as if from a distance,a 20,000 foot view. You’re looking down and there’s lots of space between our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It doesn’t seem like it when you’re in the midst of some strong emotion, but it’s true. We often feel that our behavior is directly tied to our feelings. In reality, we’ve all had a situation where we felt one way and we had to behave in another. For instance, if you ever had a boss that made you really angry, you might have held your tongue. You were probably able to control the impulse to act on that feeling.

We have to think about those three areas: thoughts, feelings, and behavior as separate areas that we can explore and use to influence each other. By mastering this, we have control over improving our experience. We can prevent mindless acting out of feelings which damages relationships.

In my opinion, our feeling world is difficult to control. Emotions are instinctual and they’re there to inform us. They are a kind of warning system. The word emotion actually means “to cause to move”. They want to move us away from an uncomfortable or dangerous situation and move us towards a place of comfort. So, when we’re happy, our feeling world communicates with the thinking world and we think, “Wow! How lucky I am,” or “How much fun I’m having”. Those thoughts lead to behaviors of smiling or singing. The thoughts, the feelings, and the behaviors are all acting congruently. The same is true if we have a negative feeling. If we feel hurt, the same process ensues. Our FEELINGS are hurt; we may THINK, “This person doesn’t really love me”. Then we BEHAVE by ignoring them. I’m sure none of you would ever do such a thing.Both the good and the bad of emotions is they are instinctual. That also means they’re not rational or logical. So, the message they send to our thoughts and behaviors can be flawed. You have to know feelings are just feelings. They don’t necessarily speak the truth. Their meaning comes from us. A patient told me once that her feelings lied to her all the time. There is so much truth in that statement. I can be really angry and upset one day and the next day, it really doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve also really not been bothered at all by something until I started thinking about it! Feelings are the most changeable of these areas. Not a very reliable basis for making decisions.

While it is difficult to control the feeling world, it’s much easier to control the thoughts and behavior worlds. Our thoughts are sometimes irrational as well, but we can choose our focus and to add fuel to the feelings fire or squelch it. We can think thoughts to increase our feelings, whether bad or good, or we can shift our thoughts to ones that decrease those feelings. To use my earlier example of my partner hurting my feelings, I can think, “He doesn’t really love me,” or “He’s always trying to hurt my feelings in some way.” Those kinds of thoughts are going to increase my negative feeling, aren’t they? If my partner hurts my feelings and I think, “Well, he’s probably having a bad day and it’s nothing to do with me” or “You know, overall my partner is a pretty good guy, he’s just acting crabby today.” Those types of thoughts are going to make me feel more positively about the situation. I have control over that. It’s a lot easier to say that than to do, I understand, but when you recognize we have control of making ourselves feel better or worse, it’s really powerful.

All right, so what about those behaviors? Behaviors are exciting because thinking and feeling just happen a lot of times, but your behaviors are what wins the game! They are also 100% under your control! Your behavior world directly impacts these thoughts and feelings too. In the above scenario, I can behave in ways that are going to increase my discomfort. I can give him the silent treatment; I can do something to get him back; or I can act out in an angry way (yell and scream). Those behaviors all reinforce that negative feeling. On the other hand, I can decide to do something kind for my partner and this will lead my thoughts and feelings in that positive direction.

Have you ever heard that saying “fake it till you make it”? It refers to choosing behaviors that are good for you and, many times, just acting in a certain way will lead to the thoughts and the feelings coming along in that direction. As a matter of fact, I don’t think they have any choice; they absolutely have to come along. I think that as one of these areas moves in a certain direction, the other two areas move that direction also.

Many times my prescriptions are for behavior change because while thoughts and feelings are important, behaviors really do win or lose the game. When you consistently do loving behaviors, your thoughts and your feelings will eventually follow along.

I want to know resisting behavior change because you just didn’t FEEL like it is irrational. What if you chose to do the winning behavior, no matter how you felt? You’ll probably surprise your partner and you might even surprise yourself, too. So, focus on a behavior change that you’ve been avoiding. Can you make an effort to do it? You can just pick one; we don’t have to go hog wild here. Pick one and do it consistently and persistently, no matter how you feel as an experiment. See if it impacts your feelings and thoughts.

This comes from a question that was submitted. I've generalized it a little bit for this blog. Ask me a question here.

A- Regret always comes from feeling that you didn’t make the best choice. Most of us make decisions based on the information we have at the time. Making a choice to get divorced may seem the very best option at the moment we make that choice. We should recognize though sometimes we allow our emotions to drive decisions. If you’ve looked at much of my information, then you know, emotions aren’t the best guides.

When I’m emotional about a situation, I’m reacting based on those emotions which can be very irrational. Try never to make a decision when you’re in the depth of emotion.

A midlife crisis can be a time of strong emotions and discontent which might drive someone to act on those feelings and later realize it was an emotional reaction and wish they had made a different choice.

Living in regret makes you feel kind of frozen which leaves you stuck. If you regret your decision, you may be able to make it right, but there’s the possibility you won’t also. If you can’t, then accept the situation, acknowledge that you made a mistake and take some learning from it. If you can’t move on, contact a professional who can help guide you through it.

I divorced early in my life after 10 years of marriage and I wished it hadn’t happened. Maybe that is regret. At the time, I couldn’t have continued, but I wish we’d been able to find the tools to make it work. In my current marriage, my past experience has taught me to keep looking for the tools to connect. So, can I really regret something that helped me grow so significantly? I don’t think I can.

​ You may have to find a way to move on and looking for something to appreciate about the situation is going to help you get there.