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Ellie: Mom’s rules should hold even on play dates

Q: My daughter is 5 and has a friend from junior kindergarten with whom she wants play dates. This little girl’s mother says her child doesn’t like to go elsewhere, so she prefers they play at her house.

However, I’ve been concerned about what my child reports. On a beautiful sunny day, it seemed they spent all their time indoors playing games on the computer. Even if they’re the “educational” games, I strictly limit and supervise my child’s time on the computer. From what I can tell, that didn’t happen there.

I also learned they were given lunch while they were watching television — never allowed in my house — and that snacks were always candy, never fruit or other healthy options.

What do I say to the mother when she suggests another play date at her home, without being rude to her?

Awkward

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A: The awesome role of Mom has many tasks, including Overseer of Our Values. It’s called upon increasingly as your child experiences a larger world — school, friends’ homes, the neighbourhood.

It requires you to be consistent and firm, with yourself as well as your child. It’s up to you (and the child’s father) to be thoughtful about your choices, and know when to adjust them or hold fast.

How another mother runs her home only becomes your business as it affects your child. So, in a non-judgmental way, say, “I prefer Suzie to play at my house” (just as she’s said about her child). If she presses, you may add, “Suzie’s only allowed to a half-hour on the computer, and I don’t want her to be confused by other rules.”

Being the best Mom you want to be isn’t “awkward,” it’s important work.

Q: I’m 27, dating a terrific guy for six months. He wants me to move into his condo with him. However, his sister rents a room from him and constantly has her girlfriends around. They’re all early-20s, single, and hanging out at his place in various stages of “casual wear,” sometimes with little more than their underwear.

It makes me uncomfortable to be there. Unless we stay in his bedroom — getting comments when we reappear — we’re never alone. I can’t tell him to kick out his sister; she has a right to have friends there since she’s paying rent.

My boyfriend says I’m being insecure, that he’s not interested in her friends, loves me, and wants to be together more. Besides, I’d pay into the rent, which would lessen expenses for both of us. What should I do?

Crowded Scene

A: Stay in your own place until you and your guy have a clearer understanding of what “being together” means. Moving in now would come at a greater cost to your relationship than whatever money you’d both be saving.

If the goal for both of you is to move forward to the next phase as a couple, it’s unlikely to go well while living in the atmosphere of a girls’ dorm.

Six months is only the beginning of what may, or may not, be a lasting relationship: It’s the initial period of attraction, excitement, romance, and passion. But it has not yet reached the certainty of long-term commitment, as evidenced by your inability to come to an agreement on when and how to live together.

That decision will involve looking at all the options, communicating openly, hearing each other’s needs, and compromising on some points.

When you can do all that, you’ll know where to move to be together.

TIP OF THE DAY

Maintaining and re-evaluating your family’s values is a constant part of parenting.

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