I
have a woman friend who's husband
is verbally abusive and has
at one time shoved her violently.
I believe he is mentally impaired
to a degree. She needs to get
out of this 'marriage' but is
afraid he will become violent
and hurt her. How can she deal
with this? She works a tremendous
amount of hours, while he's
a bum that stays home and spends
tremendous amounts of money
with her credit cards. Is there
some way of her getting help
and moving him out without this
fear she has?

I
am a man, but live 3,000 miles
away and she is afraid to have
me help because she fears it
will make him go even more nuts.
BTW, he does own a handgun.
She wants to leave him, but
is afraid he'll hurt himself,
(personally I wish he would
take himself out), so she remains
with him and lives a horrible
existence. I know she'd like
to leave him, but is afraid
and is already very depressed,
(she's been on anti-depressants
for many years). She is going
to retire from the Postal Service
in just 4-1/2 years and the
thought of living with him after
that is just too much for her
to bear.

Can
you help? I swear I'm at my
wits end with this. I care about
her and don't want anything
to happen to her. But, he has
effectively cut me off from
contacting her, phones, emails,
etc. He knows I'm onto him,
and this makes him even madder.
I don't know what to do or who
to turn to. Please help. I am
frantic with worry!

From
what you have said, you have
reason to worry and you certainly
have reason to fear for yourself.
In a sense it's better that
you are far away, because if
you were closer you would be
both a bigger threat to him
and thus in greater danger of
being a punching bag of sorts
for his aggression.

What
your friend should do is to
contact a domestic violence
organization closest to her.
They run tons of support groups
and these groups are designed
to help people just like your
friend who are gauging the seriousness
of their situation. They have
peer groups, so hearing other
people's stories helps to explain
your own and one-on-one counseling
helps to explore what your options
are.

The
National Coalition Against Domestic
Abuse can put you in touch with
the group closest to your friend
-- 800-799-SAFE.. That is your/her
best bet -- and they can also
tell you things like alerting
the police and how this gets
complicating the first time
you report something. Anyway,
I hope that she pursues this
even to just get an expert's
opinion.