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Friday, May 30, 2008

Let me say before hand that I am sorry if this offends anyone. That is not my intention. As always, this blog is about nothing but my feelings, and this is how I feel.So someone mentioned my "miscarriage" today and I wanted to rip their eyes out. For some reason when anyone uses the term miscarriage to describe my loss it makes me crazy. I was 5 months pregnant for crying out loud! When I think of miscarriages I think of women who are barely pregnant loosing their pregnancy. Not a mother who is 5 months pregnant and already felt her baby move! Then who holds her baby and takes pictures and had a fricking funeral! That to me is a birth.

I feel like people use the term miscarriage so that what happened to me doesn't seem so bad. Miscarriages happen all the time, but stillbirths are much worse (duh! they happen all the time too!).

I know someone who had a miscarriage and she could not function. Literally. She was probably 8 weeks along. Now I don't want to seem heartless, but I'm sorry having a miscarriage at 8 weeks is no where near as horrible as giving birth to a dead baby! It's not. I know people who have experienced both, and they have said that a miscarriage, however horrible, can not compare to the loss of a baby.

When I think miscarriage I don't think labor and delivery. I'm sure it's not picnic, but it's not the same. Physically you heal faster, you don't have baby stuff waiting for you at home, everyone who sees you isn't expecting you to have a baby, the only people who know about your loss are the ones you tell. It's not the same.

I do not consider my loss to be a miscarriage. My baby died. I held her. I took her picture. I bought a casket for her. I had a funeral for her.

I was a few days shy of 20 weeks. At 20 weeks I would have gotten a birth certificate (or death certificate, whatever). Because I was 3 days short of 20 weeks I didnt' get anything. My loss is labled a "late term miscarriage". Thank you for making me feel like crap. If I could have held her in a few days more I would have had a stillbirth.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

OK, so I'm not big on numerology or horoscope or astrology or any of that stuff. But, for some reason the number 8 keeps popping up. Brenna's due date was 08/08/08. She was born on 03/05/08 (3+5=8). I don't know what that means, but don't you think it's kind of strange?

During my pregnancy, I did not sleep well at all. I woke up many times during the night, but every night, no matter what, I woke up at 4 am. Last night I woke up at 4 am and I thought to myself how strange it was that I hadn't woke up at 4 since I was pregnant. Then it hit me, Brenna died, and was born a little after 4 am. It was one of those moments that jolts you out of your sleep. I hadn't ever realized that before. I spoke before about "knowing". It's not like I knew she was going to die, but I just had a continual nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I'd been pregnant before, but I said time and again that this pregnancy wasn't the same as the first one. I was sick or slept 75% of the time. I was almost non-functional. Something just wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it. When I realized that I woke up every night at the same time she eventually died, it was kind of spooky. I don't know what it means, but it's a very strange coincidence.

Friday, May 23, 2008

My son is so awesome. He wrote this about his sister, and it touched me so much I wanted to share it with you. He's 11, and has been having a very hard time dealing with her death. He made a scrapbook with his grief counselor, and this is what he wrote on the front cover. He wrote it all by himself, and it was all his idea. It made me realize he thinks of her just as much as I do.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Someone asked me yesterday what my tattoo said. I didn't think anyone would ever ask, so I didn't prepare myself for the answer. I had taken three preschoolers to the library for story time. It went something like this:

Librarian: What does your tattoo say?

Me: (pause) Brenna- please do not ask who Brenna is. Distract the kids so they don't ask where my baby is. I don't want to have to explain...I was no prepared for that.

I think I am becoming jaded. Today my son had a function to go to. While we were there I discovered one of the mom's had a new baby. (I didn't even remember she was expecting). I couldn't stop looking at her baby. She is seriously one of the laziest women I have ever met. Her husband does everything for her. She's a grouch (to put it nicely). I couldn't stop looking at her, because I couldn't help but wonder why she got to have three healthy babies. What have I done so wrong in life? Why am I being punished? This woman gets a beautiful healthy baby, and I can't have mine? I just don't understand it. Then I felt the tears well up. Please don't do this now! I couldn't help it. It was all I could do to not cry right then and there. It was awful. I couldn't wait to get to the car.

My friend also had her baby on Monday. She had a girl. I didn't go to see her. I'm scarred to death. She had a girl, and named her the name I always wanted to name my baby girl. (But she was due first so she got it). I am afraid that if I go to see her I will fall apart. I'm terrified. We were due 3 months apart. We were both having girls. I envisioned our babies growing up together. Now, she's always going to be a reminder of what I don't have. Everytime I see her I'm going to be reminded of the baby I don't have. I'm very happy for her, and I'm glad they both are ok. She is a beautiful baby. But, I'm really nervous to go see her.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I read this amazing story today and all I could think of is, that could be JJ (my husband). That could have happened to us. It was quite the reality check and made me thankful that I AM HERE! (If you read the above story, get out the tissue. You've been warned.)

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I have heard other mother's who've lost children say this, and it's something that I haven't really wanted to face. I think deep down I knew something was going to happen to my baby. All along I had this disconnected feeling. I loved her, don't get me wrong. I knew from the moment I saw that plus sign I was having a girl. But I just could not picture myself with a newborn baby. I tried, but I just couldn't see it. With my son I envisioned his future and the things we would do, I could picture it. With Brenna, I couldn't. I remember wondering why I felt so disconnected, and I remember figuring it was because I had had some problems with bleeding and I guessed it was because I was "bracing myself" in the event anything bad happened. Once I got into the second trimester I felt like I was in the clear, but I still had that feeling.

Call it mother's instinct, feminine intuition, call it whatever you want. I think my body knew. I honestly 100% had no doubt my baby was going to be born. I never saw this coming. Never. But I think my body knew. I always had that feeling that I can't describe.

There's nothing I can do to change it, it is what it is. But, I have learned not to ignore my body's signals anymore. I've learned to listen to my inner voice.

On another note, I went to get Brenna's footprint tattooed on my foot. Her footprint was way to small, but the tattoo guy wrote her name out for me instead. He made it look really nice. That was my first tattoo, and now I want more! :) Anyway, I think it looks great. I had them place it so you can still read it when I wear flip flops. Here's a picture:

Friday, May 16, 2008

Please go visit beautifulcurve She has just experienced her second loss. Another daughter born at about 5 months, just like her first daughter. Please go over and give her some words of encouragement. Loosing one is horrible, I can't imagine loosing another...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

My husband and I have actually been together for 13 years. I met him when I was 18 years old. We didn't start dating until about 6 months after that, but I still remember the first night I met him. If you told me then that I was going to marry him I would have laughed in your face. He was not my type at all. I was small, blond, big boobs, young. I was exactly his type.

My husband is 16 years older than I am. That might not sound like a lot, but considering there is only three years between him and my mom, it was a BIG DEAL. My mother wasn't crazy about him at first. Then when I got pregnant at 19, she really didn't like him. But, he eventually won her over.

We really defied all the odds and got married and have stayed married. I would never recommend anyone date with that large of an age difference. It's really hard. Especially when there are step-kids involved. His daughter lost her mother the summer I met him. (She died in an accident). I was totally unprepared to be a step-parent. For those of you who think parenting is hard, step-parenting is a million times harder. I know because I've been there. My step-daughter and I are great friends now; but, the road to get here was long and hard.

We have been through a lot. I met him when I was still in high school. I started dating him soon after I graduated. He's been with me through every important event in my life. My brother lived with us for a few years, and he always tells me how lucky I am. He always reminds me that no one will ever love me the way JJ does. We are made for each other. There is no doubt in my mind. He is almost the complete opposite to me, which is probably why we are still together after all these years.

I had a boss who didn't think my husband and I were a great match. Last year he asked me if I ever regretted marrying him. Didn't I feel pressured because I had a baby with him and was young? I didn't even think about it I just told him no. I knew that this is the person I was going to spend my life with. Later, I thought about that question, and my answer is still the same. I love that man more than I can explain. I truly feel that I was supposed to marry him. We have the kind of love that people wait their whole lives for. I was lucky enough to meet him when I was young. He understands me like no one else in this world. People laugh at us because we finish each other's sentences, and tell the same exact stories. Actually, we're kind of sickening!

Don't get me wrong, we're not perfect. He drives me insane some times, and I make him crazy at times. But, for the most part, we really enjoy each other. Even after all these years we can stay up half the night talking about random things. I never get tired of talking to him. He still makes me laugh. I can't sleep without his snoring. I still get butterflies when I think about him.

This August, which is when Brenna was due, we are going to renew our wedding vows. I don't want August to be a month that always has a black mark on it for us. I especially want this August to be a special month for our family.

I love you, JJ. I am so thankful God brought us together. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Until I suffered the loss of my daughter, I had no idea how hard Mother's Day can be for some people. At first I dreaded that day. Mother's Day.

Today is Mother's Day. It actual wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had visions of myself curling up in the fetal position and crying in bed all day. It didn't happen. At church this morning I got teary eyed, but that's to be expected. (I'm embarrassed to say this is the first time I've went to church since I lost my baby. It was a big step for me, since the last time I was there I was pregnant. That's all I kept thinking about.)

I didn't spend they day crying over what should have been. I spent today celebrating what was. I have a son, a daughter, a step-daughter, and a grandson. I love each of them with all my heart. I believe I was put on this earth to care for them. I know that. Why didn't my daughter get to stay here on earth with us? I don't know. But I'm not going to waste anymore time wondering why. I'm going to celebrate the 5 months I got to know and love her. I don't feel jilted at all. I feel privileged that I got to have her all to myself her entire life! I know that Mother's Day is a hard day for all of you out there in deadbaby land. No matter how short of a time you had your babies with you, I hope you remember you are all mothers. You were given the greatest gift. You grew a baby inside of you, even if for only a few weeks. Although it might not seem like it, today is your day. Celebrate the fact that you DO have a baby, and you ARE a mommy, even if your baby has wings.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you. I hope you all can find peace today, and reflect on the time you did get to spend with your angels.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

As my loss starts to become less painful this blog starts to be less about pain and more about life. I still think of my daughter daily, and sometimes I still hurt, but mostly I just think of her. Lots of things remind me of her, and I don't think that will ever change. I'm not sure I want it to. But the past few months have been very healing for me, and life has returned to normal. One thing my husband and I do not see eye to eye on is having another baby.

I don't think I posted on this blog that I was contacted by a mother who lost her daughter from a ruptured uterus. In her case caused by a car accident. She made me the happiest person in the world when she told me that she is now eight months pregnant with another daughter. There is hope for me to have another baby! Yay! I haven't shared this woman's story with my husband. Actually, I haven't told anyone except my "friends" on babycenter because I afraid people are going to think I'm insane for wanting another baby after all I've been through. I probably am.

My husband is really against having another baby, and actually had the nerve to tell me I should get my tubes tied. (For those of you who don't know I have major abdominal surgery two months ago when I lost my daughter and it took a long time to heal. You can read about it here.) I told him that the only surgery anyone in this house would be having is a vasectomy. He told me he'd rather have the doctor stab him in the eye than "operate down there". Then he actually said to me "We can't risk a malfunction!" Dead serious. As I write those words I can't stop laughing. It was so ridiculous. Exactly what kind of "malfunction" was he talking about? Men!

My husband is a great guy. He really is. Everyone likes him, everyone. He loves me like you can't imagine. He also really loves his penis. I tried to tell him I like it too and would never put it in any kind of danger. The doctor is a perfectly skilled individual who has done the procedure thousands of times. Besides, if he can't be trusted to make a tiny incision in your "guys", why are you going to trust him to CUT ME OPEN!!!! Hello?

Part of me understands what they are saying about mourning. But why is it wrong to allow your children to mourn? Do you think you are doing them a favor by not having any pictures of thier sister and not allowing them to take time to grieve? I totally do not understand how someone who claims to be a pastor would give people advice like this!

Tell me if I'm missing something. Because to me it doesn't sound like they healed, it sounds like they are in denial.

(FYI- I also read they have adopted a baby girl, and I really am happy for them.)

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Tomorrow it will been two months since everything happened. It's amazing how much can change in two months.

Yesterday was actually a really good day. I didn't notice that 100's of pregnant ladies or babies. It didn't bother me. Things are getting easier and I am getting less crabby.

My body is still on a hormonal roller coaster, but my husband get the brunt of that so I don't mind so much (j/k). I started taking the pill, which actually seems like a joke because the chances of me actually ovulating an egg were slim before, and with only one fallopian tube, they are about nil. I don't really know why I am bothering to take the stupid pill which makes me hungry all the time and feel like I might be going insane. My husband wears a rubber every time anyway (I know TMI- sorry). He's absolutely freaked out that I might get pregnant again. I hate to tell him his "guys" aren't kamikaze sperm and he doesn't have anything to worry about. I think his view is one made it up to the fallopian tube once before, they could do it again. Don't I wish. I'd be happy if one made it up to an egg and grew into a baby. Is that asking for too much?

So anyway, I've got a busy week in front of me. I'm glad because then I won't sit around wallowing is self pity. I try to keep myself as busy as possible so that I don't have time to sit around and cry. Actually, I don't even feel like crying so I guess that's good. When I don't feel sad I start to wonder what's wrong with me. Like I'm a bad person because I'm not mourning my dead baby. I think I'm being too hard on myself. I need relax.

I wish all of you out there in deadbaby land a peaceful week. God bless.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

My mom works at a large department store. Her job is in the "cash office" passing out money and stuff like that. Today she told me that she was alone the other day and there was no one to wrap the gifts a customer brought back to customer service. She had to do it. She told me how it really bothered her because they were all baby girl presents. I realized for the first time that she understands me more than I thought. I have a terrible time with baby girl stuff, and baby girls in general. I desperately wanted a baby girl, and knew right from the beginning I was having a girl. I had all pink picked out for everything. I was so excited. I hadn't had my 20 week ultrasound yet, but I knew it was a girl. I wish I wasn't right. My mom was so excited about having a granddaughter. She had bought a bunch of baby girl things, and was looking for even more. I had bought a bunch of girl cloths too. It was the happiest time of my life. When I was pregnant with my son 11 years ago my husband and I weren't married, I was only 19, and we didn't have a lot of money. This time I was able to buy whatever I wanted and planned on having my "dream nursery"! (Sigh) I knew I was having a girl, but I wish I was wrong. Maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain if I hadn't lost the girl I always dreamed of. Maybe it would be easier if it was a boy because I already have a son. I doubt it.

So, after my mom told me that story it really hit home. She understand me more than I thought. I sometimes become so wrapped up in my grief that I don't realize other people miss her and love her too. Other people had dreams for her. Other people's lives were affected by her. My mom and my sister are the only people besides my husband and myself who got to see and hold her. The four of us hold that special bond. I'm glad my sister was there, and I'm glad my mother got that closure she needed by holding her grandbaby. I regret not getting any pictures of them together. But I was so out of it, they actually went to see her before I saw her. I actually feel terrible for my mother. Part of me feels like I let her down, but I know that's irrational. I just feel incredibly bad for her.