Women constantly put themselves last – on the job, at home and with friends. If you say yes to every request for help, you could be giving so much that it hurts. Read on to learn how to set healthy boundaries…

Your neighbor pops by and asks you – again – to watch her kids while she runs to the store. It’s the third time in two weeks.

Of course, you don’t mind helping out, but do you find it hard to say no? Are you tired of lending money to relatives, pitching in on everyone’s work projects or being awakened at 2 a.m. to console your heartbroken friend?

“We don’t want to disappoint, hurt feelings or make someone angry,” she says. “But setting no guidelines puts you at the mercy of other people’s decisions and demands.”

Setting boundaries ensures that you not only take care of yourself but also that others treat you well.

“Our sense of self-worth develops out of the lines we draw in the sand,” says Debra Mandel, Ph.D., a psychologist in Thousand Oaks, Calif., and author of books about boundary issues, including Don’t Call Me a Drama Queen! (Alyson Books).

“If we let people walk all over us, we can’t feel good about ourselves,” she says.

Once you stand up for yourself, however, you'll strengthen relationships and increase self-confidence, she says. If you don’t, you may feel manipulated, angry, resentful and hurt.

Read on for 6 tips to set healthy boundaries without hurting your friendships or relationships…

1. Don’t be afraid to establish limits.
Drawing healthy boundaries will benefit – not harm – relationships, says marriage and relationship therapist Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., research professor at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research.

“Women often worry that telling a spouse, child, in-law, friend, colleague or co-worker that you need to set a clear boundary – whether it’s with your time availability, or their demands or behavior – is the same as shutting them out,” says Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great (Delacorte Press).

“Actually, you are telling them that you’re interested in having a better relationship,” she says.

2. Be aware of your boundaries.
Boundaries differ from one person to the next. What you find irritating – a neighbor coming by without calling, for example – your best friend may welcome.

“Boundaries are based on each person’s preferences, values and feelings,” Tessina says. “You and your friends won’t set the same boundaries.”

But some actions clearly violate healthy boundaries, she says. Among them:

Reading another person’s mail or journal

Rummaging in another’s personal property or space.

Changing appointments without notice.

Go with your gut feelings, Tessina advises. If you feel used, sad or annoyed after interacting with someone, it‘s a good bet that person has stepped over the line, she says.

You should discuss possible boundary issues at the start of a relationship. For example, before a roommate moves in, decide how you feel about everything – from borrowing clothes and sharing groceries to having boyfriends spend the night.

With existing relationships with family, friends or lovers, state your boundaries — though you may shock them when you suddenly stand up for yourself, Mandel says.

4. Speak up when boundaries have been violated.
Setting boundaries won’t work if you suffer in silence or quietly fume when others step on them.

“We can’t expect the other person to read our minds if we don’t like what they’re doing,” she says.

In fact, you may have to speak up several times.

“If they still don’t get it, then you need to sit them down and tell them you will not allow them to do that to you,” Tessina says.

Then pull back and withdraw from contact, she advises.

“Perhaps the person will ask, ‘Are you mad at me?’ and you can describe what the problem is,” Tessina says. “He or she will get the message.”

5. Don’t make ultimatums.
The way you state your boundaries is key to preserving the relationship. So don’t make ultimatums or big, obnoxious announcements on how you want to be treated. You may lose friends or alienate family members if you do.

“There’s no need to come across as a bull in a china shop and blame others for what you’ve allowed them to get away with in the past,” Mandel says. Instead, set your boundaries “lovingly and kindly,” she advises.

Tell others firmly but politely what you’re comfortable with.

“If you calmly say, ‘No, thank you, I’m afraid that won’t work for me,’ or ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t,’ people will respect you even more,” Tessina says.

For example, if your mother makes negative comments on your weight or hairstyle, you can pleasantly say, “We are not discussing this anymore.”

If lunch dates with your best friend are always in her neighborhood – and you’re tired of making the trek and paying for gas or cab fare – seek a compromise.

Suggest: “I enjoy having lunch with you, but gas is too expensive for me to pay every time. There’s a lovely little restaurant in my neighborhood that I know you’d like.”

6. It’s OK to be flexible – sometimes.
Enforcing your healthy boundaries doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible. Some boundaries may be nonnegotiable, such as never having unprotected sex with a new partner.

Others may be more flexible. For example, you may prefer not to work on weekends, but occasionally you will do so if an important project needs to be completed. Only you can decide when to stand firm.

“It’s OK to change your mind, as long as you’re at peace with your decision and not compromising your self-respect or values,” says Ann Kramer, Ed. S., a licensed mental health counselor in Hood River, Ore.

“But it’s not OK [to change your mind] because you feel pressured or are trying to please someone,” she says. “This ultimately leads to a lack of self-respect – and others won’t respect you either.”

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