My 4-year old son absolutely adores his cousin, 6, who is extremely athletic and competitive. He lies and cheats to win a game. I have watched him change simple game rules over the years so my son always looses.

He seems so manipulative and mean spirited. Once, I explained the correct rules to my son, who said that his cousin would never lie. He believes his beloved cousin over my truth.

Recently our families went to the park and this cousin’s friend was there. They both excluded my son and were outwardly mean. When my sister-in-law asked her son what was the problem, he said he didn’t feel like playing with his cousin. She won’t hold him accountable.

How can I handle a healthy ongoing family relationship while keeping my son happy and protected?

Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

It’s difficult to navigate family personalities and values, especially when those differences impact your own child, but here are some suggestions.

Be present: Remain within earshot of the boys so you can monitor their relationship and guide by teaching to share, take turns and follow rules.

Clarify: When you hear or see something incorrect, address it. No need to yell, punish, blame or threaten. This approach is now being taught to young children as a first step in eradicating bullying.

Remain involved: Some might recommend the boys work it out themselves. You know, boys will be boys. However, your son is at a continuous disadvantage with his older cousin, who doesn’t have the developmental maturity or parental leadership to be thoughtful or considerate.

Voice your concerns: Say what you see, briefly explaining to your sister-in-law how it impacts the boys. Ask for her thoughts on how she would like to help nurture their relationship.

Hold him accountable: Mention to your nephew in a very pleasant tone that you have noticed he changes the rules or excludes your son. Let him know that as the older leader, you will be watching for all the ways he is kind and helpful.

Build the bond with activities: Attend family visits armed with fun games and projects to involve, engage and bond the boys. Many parents want adult time to relax hoping the kids will play nicely. In this case, it seems some teaching needs to occur before that happens. Mix (monitored) free playtime with evenly matched skill games including Uno or Go Fish. Bring simple wooden projects to sand or paint, modeling clay, a gingerbread house kit or some prepared cookie dough. Let the older cousin know that you brought a fun project for both boys, as long as they play nicely.

Look for the good: Continuously recognize how well the boys play together.

Page 2 of 2 - Diana Boggia, M.Ed., is a parenting coach who lives in Stark County. She is author of “Parenting with a Purpose.” Send your child-rearing questions to FamilyMatters@cantonrep.com or The Repository, c/o Family Matters, 500 Market Ave. S, Canton, OH 44702. Find parenting resources at her website, www.yourperfectchild.com.