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Friday, August 7, 2009

Friday, August 7, 2009

Brides these days. [shaking head] When the big day arrives, some of them can reeeally lose their heads, you know?

That's the wedding cake.

Uh, maybe I should give you a moment.

[whistling]

All better? Have all your co-workers/family members gathered around the screen in response to your shrieks? Good. 'Cuz I want to talk about the consultation that resulted in this cake. Do you suppose it went something like this?

Bride: I want my wedding cake to look like my dress.

Baker: Sure, no problem. You want it on a dress form?

Bride: [scoffing] Uh, no-oo! It has to be on a body. MY body.

Baker: Wait, you want a full cake statue of yourself? Like this? [shows photo of infamous bride cake]

Bride: Ew, no! Who'd want to eat my head or arms? That's gross.

Baker: [relieved] Oh, good, 'cuz for a second there...

Bride: So just leave my head and arms off.

Here's another view: The limbless bride surveying her domain.

As you can see, the bride (the headed one, I mean) thought it would be cute to put her veil on the neck stump after the ceremony. Which certainly adds...well, a veil to the neck stump.

Ok, it's this: the shoulder stumpies look a lot like outstretched, plucked chicken wings to me. Here, look at the first photo again and tell me you don't see a plucked headless chicken in a dress trying to flap off to freedom:

Flap flap flap.

You see it, don't you?And if not, rest assured Headless Plucked Chicken Bride will be seeing YOU - in your dreams. Mwuh-ha-ha-haaa!

It's like the waist-down-only ballerinas yesterday. Or the baby legs and diaper with no apparent head. Or the hand with the ring on the engagement cake. People!?!! No body parts!!!! We don't want to think about eating flesh!

I really hope that the bride asked for a cake that looked like her dress and meant that she wanted the cake layers decorated with ruffles/beadwork/whatever and not the headless, armless wonder that she got. Kind of like the cake competition in Oklahoma that a few years ago had the theme of wedding dresses. Or maybe she was just crazy and liked the idea of a headless, armless wonder, your site has proven time and time again that people have questionable taste.

Let me get this straight: After the veil sat on top of presumably hair-product covered hair, presumably attached to a bride who may or may not have been sweating from nerves, the bride affixed said veil to a product which her guests were to eat?

I see nothing wrong with that.

(I will give her credit in that it seems she didn't actually jab the combs into the cake. It's really not as bad as I make it sound.)

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Not only is the cake totally ridiculous and hideous, I can't stop thinking about the fact that the veil that was on her HEAD is now resting on that cake....the cake that people are supposed to eat! NO WAY!! Every single bit of this cake idea is GROSS!

I can only hope it was ordered by a bride that LOVES this site, and her whole family gathers round the phone every morning on a conference call to see the post of the day. So when it came time to order a wedding cake, the only logical answer was this....this thing, and they are all in on the joke and no one was traumitized. I hope.

Poor Great Aunt Gertrude has no phone or computer and they forgot to let her in on this little joke, she will never be the same.

I know that it's the bride's decision. I know that we all have different tastes. There are, however, ways and means of designing a "unique" wedding cake without resorting to attempts at re-creating living beings (or, heaven forbid, using cheese). A good cake baker/decorator will sit down with you and help you design something nice.

What do you call a headless, legless guy on a cafeteria table?Trey---------What do you call two headless, legless guys sitting in a window?Kurt and Rod---------What do you call a headless, legless guy on a baseball field?Second base.

OMG! I am just at a loss for words. Jen's commentary made me also imagine various conversations of the dear bride's loved ones trying to talk her out of such a cake...

I also have to commend all of the people who have previously commented on keeping their comments clean because many R rated comments certainly came to my mind... I am a gen Xer who grew up on John Hughes movies (RIP John...) with some beloved R rated humor. This cake would've fit in nicely in the wedding scene of 16 Candles with the self absorbed bride...

Compliments to Jen for taking the pg route with this one... athough she could've entertained us with an Amber sequal... hmmm now there's an idea, Jen...

WV = rigra. Sorry all I can relate it to is Viagra... anyone else?? :)

AGREED that is is absolutely the height of disgustingness that she put her hair ornaments on the cake after they'd been on her head. yuuuuck.

Maybe it was never meant to be eaten...just a beautifully decorated convenient place to stow random accessories, yah know, maybe the bride could tuck her underarm dress shields into it, too, once the nerve-wracking ceremony was over. eeee

I am totally freaking out about all the details of my impending wedding today - and this just really gave me some perspective! In the best and worst possible ways...the plucked chicken flapping for freedom?? Tears in my eyes I'm laughing so hard! Thanks for this one - I needed it!

What do you call a headless, legless guy on a restaurant table?Bill---------What do you call a headless, legless guy hanging out at a voting booth?Chad---------What do you call a headless, legless guy on a soundstage?Mike

Have you noticed that in the pictures where you can see the guests that everyone is standing WAAAAAAAAAY back from this...thing?!! They're probably afraid the bride has a hole under the table and is going to pop up and stick her head and arms through the proper spots... (shudder) Or that the wingless chicken bride is going to get them.

Anyone notice how very far, far, far away all the guests are from the cake? I don't blame them. They're probably all trying to politely ignore it, while nonchalantly deleting the bride from their phones and contact lists.

This bride got it all wrong...when the guests are taking bets on how long your marriage will last you tell them to kiss your behind, not eat it.

I can understand the concern everyone has expressed over boob and armpit pieces, but have you all bothered to ponder the horrors that lurk a little more south of those slices here? And let's just hope no hair from her veil(!?!) made its way down that low...

--Traditional cake toppers (tiny people growing out of her neck!)--Shove her shoes in the bottom for the "full effect"--Cake is actually made out of cheese--Cake is actually made out of the bride*--Groom's cake was this one

So, look: the guests in the background aren't really so much avoiding getting close to the cake as they are waiting their turns at the bar.Because they pretty much want to be good and blitzed before they're expected to actually take a piece of this amazing confection and put it in their actual mouths.That's not even the most disturbing thing, in my opinion.This wedding is apparently ALL about the bride.What's the groom, chopped liver??? Not even a little representative bow tie laid reverently at her feet? (Oops! There ARE no feet.)Hmmmm...maybe the groom is the BAKER of this cake...Aaannd...in a sick, vile, and completely twisted turn of events--has turned out to be a crazed axe murderer, just waiting to take a whack at the non-cake version of his lovely and egotistical bride.

Don't have the URL handy - might find it later - but it would be worth trollingYouTube for Tom Petty's video for "Don't Come Round Here No More" - it's trly wonderfully 80'sAice-in_Wonderland-themed surrealism ... and it ends with an incredible cake.

And understand that they almost didn't get usable footage of that part because ... well ... rock'n'rollers ... you'll likely get what i mean if you watch it.

What I do not understand is the current fashion for brides in America to wear red sashes. This is a custom that originates from the middle east and represents the bride's virginity. The groom is to cut it off and present it to the bride's father the next day. Ew!

Where is the outrage over the whole concept of a wedding cake that is all about the bride's dress? My mom called my hubby "rental boy" while we were planning our wedding (which was NOT all about me -- I'm very shy!) but this is going a bit too far in the direction of ignoring one half of the marriage, don't you think?

WF: "outwoo" -- that's how the poor schmoe got into this pickle in the first place.

I found this one and immediately thought of you: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.myweddingnigeria.com/wp-content/weddingcaketopper1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.myweddingnigeria.com/2007/12/04/creating-special-and-crazy-wedding-cake-toppers.html&usg=__vpG2Pqk_kJp9B74hNsctmUQlXh4=&h=375&w=500&sz=30&hl=en&start=99&tbnid=2e7cJRFX43n25M:&tbnh=98&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dwedding%2Bcake%2Btoppers%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26start%3D80

I had a bride call me and ask if I could make her and her two bridesmaids in their dresses, hair, face and all life size as her wedding cake.

Me: silence.....thought bubble....(seeing the infamous bride cake in my head x3. YUK. and thinking what the heck happened to your poor groom anyway? It's all about you and your besties and your bad taste. poor guy) formulating an answer in my head she cannot argue with.....

finally replying "no I'm sorry I do not have a way to deliver 3 life size 3d cakes of people. Thank you for your interest. Good luck."

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