10 Laws You Can Break From Your Safe Room During The Purge

The Purge series is upon us and as we prepare for the mayhem on the streets of Everytown, USA, I thought we should take a minute and consider the unsung heroes of America who commit those less visually interesting, but nonetheless important, mundane criminal acts from the comfort and security of their safe rooms during this holy, violent, night.

In honor of those boring, yet out out-of-harm’s-way patriots, here’s 12 laws you can break from your heavily guarded shelter during Purge Night.

This is it, the night you’ve been waiting for all year. It’s time to cut loose, go nuts,let out the beast… and finally remove that annoying slip of paper that has been taunting you, nay- plaguing you, the other 364 days of the year! Go ahead and tear that baby off… it’s Plague night, baby!!! “Do not remove under penalty of law” means nothing now! This, by the way, is a Federal Crime, go big or go home! Tear, rip, cut, and rend that baby to shreds while you dance around naked tossing the pieces like confetti! Those tags are begging for it!

Even the legal description of this law is violent “After shipment of a textile fiber product in commerce it shall be unlawful, except as provided in this subchapter, to remove or mutilate, or cause or participate in the removal or mutilation of, prior to the time any textile fiber product is sold and delivered to the ultimate consumer, any stamp, tag, label, or other identification required by this subchapter to be affixed to such textile fiber product, any person violating this section shall be guilty of an unfair method of competition, and an unfair or deceptive act or practice, under the Federal Trade Commission Act. “

This one is for the sleek silver foxes in protected old age homes across the Americas. Sure, people sell drugs all year round… but trading medications puts a fun twist on this mundane illegal activity. Oldies everywhere can trade and tranq, staying safe and being dangerous all at the same time. Until, of course, they start slaughtering each other over who gets the community remote, who stole whose commemorative plate, and who started spreading that case of the clap.