Ask a Guy: Why Men Say They Will Call… and Don’t

I am completely confused. I met this guy at an event at my school. We talked for a while and it was a really great, fun conversation. I instantly started to crush on him. I couldn’t help myself. His buddies were leaving and we exchanged numbers.

He mentioned that he was having a party next weekend and that I should definitely come. He said he would call and give me the details, but he never did! I thought he liked me, he definitely seemed like he did.

What happened? Why did he say he would call then not call me?

There are a lot of times where I’ll meet a girl and have a long, fun conversation, then exchange numbers. It’s kind of funny, I almost feel like I’m “snubbing” the girl if we don’t do a number-exchange.

After about a day or two, the memory of the conversation, the girl or even her name is completely erased from my memory. No disrespect to the girl, it’s just that the rest of my life distracted me and I never got around to following up.

There are times where guys get cold feet or doubt themselves. If you’re interested, sometimes it doesn’t hurt to make a call or send a text message his way to give it one last shot. Sabrina makes a great illustration of how she handled a guy who didn’t call back.

On the other hand, there are some things you can do to solidify the call back and make your impression more memorable.

1) Have him picture you hanging out together:

This is a great psychological trick.

When you’re talking with a guy that you’re digging, try to maneuver the conversation toward talking about things you two could do together. Most importantly, get him to picture you two doing whatever this thing is together…

I don’t care what it is: cooking, grocery shopping, rock climbing, playing Wii Tennis, etc. If he is able to picture the two of you having fun hanging out in the future, it is tremendously more likely to happen.

In a weird way, by having someone picture hanging out with you in the future and having fun, it makes them feel comfortable with the idea, like it’s already happened.

Obviously you need to be skillful in conversation in order to do this… just work it in naturally and gently. You don’t need to hammer the point in like some kind of creep.

2) Don’t be afraid to be challenging and/or tease a bit:

I don’t want to speak for all guys, but I can say the women that make the biggest impression on me are challenging in some way.

Sometimes they’re challenging through teasing a bit. Sometimes they’re challenging by not going along with everything I’m saying. Sometimes they’re challenging by calling me out on my BS.

When a woman is challenging in addition to being interesting and fun, that is an irresistible combination for me. Being challenging without any other quality is just plain annoying. But when you can mix in a little bit of challenge in addition to your normal charming disposition, you’ll find that a little push goes a long way.

3) Enjoy the conversation for what it is:

I know a lot of girls who have had one too many guys not call them back.

They end up developing a complex around it, saying things like, “All the guys I actually like never call me back” or, “Guys never call me, what am I doing to scare them away?”

So what is the poisonous ingredient that is spoiling an otherwise good conversation?

The answer is neediness!

If you go into a conversation fearing that a guy won’t do something that you want him to or act a certain way, you are bringing neediness into the interaction. That is, you need him to act a certain way to feel good about the interaction, otherwise you’ll feel terrible/worried/upset/sad/depressed/self-doubt/etc.

Neediness is one of those “vibes” that just repels people. Neediness from a guy is just as repulsive to a girl as neediness from a girl is to a guy. Neediness is bad news all around.

So what’s the solution?

Enjoy conversations for what they are. Have a great conversation, put your best self forward and if you like him, try to set the stage for a date.

But once you’ve done all that… that’s that. I’ve seen more women get into trouble over-analyzing and obsessing over details than you could imagine – my e-mail box is FULL of inquiries along these lines. I could “advise” until I’m blue in the face, but the better move would be for the girl to step back and chill out. Maybe do some yoga or meditate a bit, or distract yourself with friends… the thinking is the trap.

I had a 1 night stand turn into a booty call almost every weekend. This coming weekend I asked him for a booty call instead of him asking. He said hey let me text you later I’m going out of town. My reply was: are you going out of town this weekend?? Yeah text me later. Did I do something wrong or is he just done; moved on and can’t say it???

I met a guy on a dating site and he called. We talked for a while then he said he’d call me the next day. I stayed up until midnight just in case he called even though by 10:00 pm I was figuring he wouldn’t call. Why would he lie like that? He said he was interested in meeting when he came to the area at the end of the month. He called with a restricted number and he even deleted his profile after we talked. I don’t know what that means.

I’m happy to hear those comments from the others women that you been given a good advice about there problem I hope you can help me also.

My man and I are been almost 2 years and we are working together he is a kind of men a secretive even me he is not telling about some of his problem and recently he went for vacation and not knowingly he is taking as a 2 months vacation I got so upset . But before he went for his vacation we talk on and saying good bye and he told me is going to call me and message . But now it’s been 2 weeks no call or message at all I’m freaking upset now he suddenly like that happen. I dunno what to do , does he really love me or cheating , lying he saying he is not married what should I do ? I’m trying to understand his attitude towards me but in my other head deep inside his hiding something on me.
Hoping you can give me a advice

Hi Eric! my name is Natalia and I am 22 years old.
I recently me a guy over spring break. I am a violinist so I had a gig with an orchestra and the moment I saw the conductor I was like wow! after that we talked a bit and the next day he immediately added me on facebook..his excuse was that how did my parents choose to name me Natalia since is not a latin name (btw I am from Colombia) and he is from Czech Republic.
Anyways..since that day we began to talk…but I made the huge mistake of telling him I liked him and he told me that if we live closer things will be different..but he lives in another state! which makes things more complicated.
We have talked after that..and there is a possibility of seeing each other very soon since he has to come to the state where i am to conduct that orchestra again..but the problem is that place is 2 hours away from where I live..and I don’t have a car and he could borrow one but he seems like sometimes he wants to see me and that he doesn’t want to..I am really confused because I really like him! and the other thing is that 2 days ago we haven’t really chat..maybe he is too busy? cause we usually chat every day and I texted him today wishing him a good day and he texted back…does he like me? I mean he told me he likes me..but sometimes I feel like he is playing hard to get…and also since he is 39 I was expecting something more straight forward!

your site is cool…i learned a lot to your article and other people experiences and comment..I been dating this guy for almost 4 month…we spend most time hang out spend together chatting and watching movies…He’s cool and i like his attitude…but his totally opposite to my ideal man but i cant bare my self fall in love with him because he care a lot and respect me….He’s totally opposite of me he like to go to sport bar and i prefer to stay home and go good ambient and senery…..He always ask me the we have constant communication on chat but seldom receive text message and call but i trying to understand he only like my friendship but he let me feel i’m special and complement me most of the time….I can feel that we have special feeling but we keep hold back because i’m afraid that i cant hurt my self and i cant hurt him too…i dont expect too much until he’s not saying anything…because we as woman if guy give us special attention our heart chill…i dont want to accept this kind of thought until he still not saying anything…i know in in denial…

I’ve been talking to this guy for about a month now, and things starting to go very well. I went over to his house for a few days met a couple of this friends and it was great. So he was telling me things like he wants to meet my family and stuff like that. We went from talking everyday whether if it was though texts or calling we would talk on the phone for like an hour or more. Then all of a sudden, he started talking less and of course I thought it was weird being used to talking to someone pretty much daily and now its like once a week. I haven’t approached him as to why he’s been distant only because I dont want to scare him.
So recently he’s been calling me saying that we are going to hang out and I think finally I haven’t seen him in like 3 weeks! BUT of course he’s with a friend and thats means he wants me to find a friend for his friend … which I’m not liking because 1. Ive never met his friend and I dont want to set my friend up with an idiot 2. Immeaditaly I think theres going to be a little piece party which I think is discusting 3. I barely have any single friends.
So what I’m really confused about it is why does he only want to hang out with me when he’s with his friend, and I have asked him before “What are you doing this week” as in like hello I want t see you, his response.. I dont know.. like really?
And to be honest when he doesn’t answer back or doesn’t call I don’t make a big deal out of it Ijust shake it off, it just bothers me that he’ll now only hang with me if we are with other people because his friend doesn’t want to pick me up if its only me and this guy im talking to doesnt want me to waste my time getting ready
I’d like to know what might be going on and what should I do about it because I do like him! Please help!!

I need some answers. A few nights ago I went out on the town with my brother and his girlfriend. We went to a place that has live music. It’s just me, my brother, his girlfriend sitting at a table in front of the piano player, drinking and having a good time. I go up and request a song, not even thinking about how cute this guy is. He was very kind as we exchanged the inevitable smile and glance. My brother goes up to request a song 15 minutes later, and the piano player comments back to him about his girlfriend and that he would like to introduce himself to the other lovely lady at the table “me”. So my brother comes back and says, “Yeah, so, he’s into you” I was shocked, I wasn’t even expecting that to happen. My brother tells me that he said I was the loveliest girl in the bar and that he’d like to introduce himself to me. So now I’m having those giddy butterflies swirling around in my stomach. I take a sip of my drink, and decide to go up and request another song (mind you, we were pretty much the only people in that bar besides the other 8 people sitting at the bar) He’s smiling and says hi, and I introduce myself to him and him to me, and he says “You are the loveliest girl in the bar” I said thanks, and smile and I strut back to our table. Last call comes around and the small crowd begins to get even smaller till it really is just my brother his girlfriend and me along with the bartenders and this gorgeous piano player. He walks to our table and says hello, meets by brother and his girlfriend, talks to us for a bit, asks for my number says he’d love to hang out sometime and get to know each other. So i give him my number. He texts me after he packs up everything and says “Hi B, this is S. I would love to come over and drink wine. If it’s too late I’ll get ahold of you tomorrow” I text back “Hi S, I don’t work on weekends so you can come over tonight if you’d like or tomorrow, whenever you’d like” He texts back “I just got home, I had to rescue my dog from neglect! It was nice meeting you, I’d love to get to know you, see you soon. I will call you tomorrow” I text back ” haha poor dog, talk to you soon” He doesn’t call me the following day, so the following night fueled by cheap wine and adrenaline from purchasing a dress i know i can’t afford, my brother’s girlfriend urges me to text him and say that can join us at this bar were at, my brother tells me not to, but i do it anyway. My text “were at (bar) you can join us if you’d like”…No text back, no call today. Im assuming he either died, or is really not interested. Which, if the latter is true, why did he ask for my number in the first place, and give me a specific “I will call you tomorrow”, if he wasn’t planning on calling me at all?” Now I’ve turned into the epitome of a man’s perception of a woman: CRAZY.

help. i met someone on a dating site. we went on a first date and definitley hit it off. he mentioned we shouldd hangout again real soon. we did nto do the need and i made it clear i dotn do that on the first date. i was careful to not screw it up: ie, not drink too much, curse, act nervous or silly, in general i think i was a great date. here’s the thing- he is vry good looking,and he knows it and has girls chasing him all the time. i will not be that girl. ive reached out to him only 3 times since our date which was one week ago. friendly txts, never once has he answered the phone however. anyway- i dotn want to seem needy but i would liek to know, of course, whats goign on and why the silence. pls help.

Thanks…
You have made me understand the concept of “neediness”.
There were times when I was wondering why the guy was taking so long to respond. Did he think I was crazy or something, my friends told me not to text him first. At the end the day, I had this urge to text the guy and I did. But the respond I got made me feel horrible because he didn’t get back to me and I thought he was thinking that I was weird or something. Now I truly understand he has other things going on in his life. I’m not the only that he has deal with. I’m not going to make him a prioty when he only makes me an option. Wow aren’t you impress, I’m 16 and realizing this stuff.
SO THANK YOU
Your blog has made me see what a guy is really thinking, and I now know when to back off and give him some room. I think you’ll be hearing more from me though. :))

your advice is really good. I like this article but I feel like you have gone over this before. I wish you had a search or something so we could just find what we were looking for and you wouldn’t get so many repeat questions.