(Closed) FI broke up after 9 years

I need huge amount of support from all of you. Fiance and I broke up after 9 years and a few months before the wedding. We knew each other when we were 17/18. Things were going well until the wedding preparation when somehow there seems to be something missing.. I sounded it out to my parents and him as well, but i had reassurance from them constantly. I thought it was cold feet, so i brushed it off. Until one day, during an argument that we had, i started questioning Fiance what he thought about marriage. He remained silent for a long time and finally said that hes not ready “he wanted to do things on his own, he felt that issues that we had seemed so permanent – its not the good times but the bad times etc”. I was shocked but not surprised as i could sense his reluctance in the wedding preparation, even during the engagement shoot. There was lack of excitement and joy.

Fiance decided to break up (instead of working on “issues”), this hurt me very badly. Why doesnt he want to try again? But yet i understand that he probably needs some time alone or even may see this as not worth the effort anymore. I agreed to the break up and it has been very challenging for me. I wrote him 3 letters to tell him how i felt about things – areas that i feel sorry for, thankful for, as i wasnt provided closure from his end. After the last letter, I promised myself that no more contact from my end. Since then, i have not contacted him. He hasn’t respond to any..

Some days are good while some are bad. I have been fighting the urge to contact him. But sometimes (days like this), i wake up with sense of fear. Fear of losing him permanently (i already lost him.), what if he finds somebody else?

I have been focusing on myself, friends and family. Took up yoga, went for my first travel trip alone and am going to redesign my room.. But still he lingers within, i really want to get him out and lose all hope that i have, but there are times that he keeps coming back in my mind.

So sorry about your break up. It sounds like your fiance wasn’t ready to get married. Perhaps fiance was scared of marrying someone that he had been with since he was a teenager. Sometimes people feel like they are going to miss out if they don’t date more than one person before marriage.

I am glad that the letters provided some closure for you. It is great that you are not contacting your boyfriend because that would make healing a lot more difficult. Based on the new developments in your life, it appears that you are a strong and resilient person. Taking your first trip solo after a break up is a great way to remember that you can enjoy life as a single person.

Everything happens for a reason. You are still young and there are plenty of men out there. I’m sure that when your broken heart is healed and you are ready to date again, you will find someone who makes you happy. Let yourself weep and grieve. Stay single for at least six months and enjoy your freedom.

I am so sorry that you’re going through this, especially around the holidays. It seems awful now, but wow did you dodge a bullet! Imagine getting married, and finding out how he feels then…or worse having kids involved. Ugh. Sounds like you two were really young when you started dating, and likely just grew up and into different people. I know how painful long term relationships coming to an end can be, but believe me…this too, shall pass. You are absolutely right in cutting off all contact after the letters (which probably served as closure for you). Right now, just try to stay busy and rediscover who YOU are without him. I also believe it’s important to do things that make you feel great (hair makeover, working out, going out with friends) and not sitting around waiting for him to change his mind. You are a strong woman and this will NOT define you. *Hugs*

Im so sorry that you are going through this. Break ups are hard really when you have been with the person your whole adult life. In my opinion i think the hardest part is not having this person that you have had for so long in your life. Going from talking everyday to never. I think that he is probably trying to find out who he is as a person and i think you need to find out who your are also outside of this relationship. Change is hard and i feel like that is probably the hardest part in a break up. I think you need to let him be if he wasnt happy then you need to let him go. If you truly love him then let him go. If the two of you are ment to be together i believe you guys will find each other again. I say mourn really cry about this let yourself be sad. The sooner you mourn the sooner you can move on. Atleast that works for me.

It’s always best for me to take the past as past, try not to analyze the “why”, and focus on moving forward.

I’m not sure your opinion of soulmates or if you believe this was your soulmate, but I heard a radical take on this after a long relationship of mine that ended similarly.

Sometimes we’re not meant to marry our soulmates. Sometimes soul mates are meant to come into our lives and teach us something; its a time we can cherish looking back, but we are not meant to be with these people forever.

In the end, these soulmates break our hearts, but there is growth and strenth in the breaking. The breaks allow light and love to get through, and our hearts heal back stronger.

Try not to focus on looking back, try to only look forward. Life does go on after these tough situations and you will find love again – a better love.

You might not see it now but your future is going to be great – only you can write your own story.

Bees, all your sharings are very comforting! Im so glad I shared this with you and to find support in you all.

Undeniably im afraid of losing him forever, after being in relationship for 9 years, its hard to even see who is there out there. It feels foggy at the moment, like swimming in the dark with uncertainties of future.

I do agree that I need to start creating my story, embracing myself and not let this define me.

The fear of unknown is so shakening.. I received 2 news over Weekend of friends getting engaged. I cant help feel slight sense of hopelessness and even a bit of failure.

surrealme: hey there, please keep your head up, you are doing to right thing by not having contact. Please don’t beat your self up for what he claimed as issues, often times guys don’t like to admit they were not honest with you for a while. My ex pretty much places all the blame on me so he didn’t have to feel any guilt for his actions. I made the mistake of reaching out and holding on which only made things worse for me as he continued to move on with no remorse. As time goes on I’m beginning to realize that love doesn’t walk away or give up, no matter what the circumstance or issues if they have love for you they will try to make it work. His excuses he gave are simply just excuses to hide the real issue of him wanting to experience the single life… I know it’s hard to accept being this happened so recently but trust me I went through that phase of denial. Now I’m realizing I will not let one person out of this world of a million men make me feel I’m not good enough…I’m hopeful for the future and the love of my life that I will experience one day. Keep your head up and I’m here if you need to talk!

Dross102: Thank you! i had a tons of self guilt right after the break up, what did i do wrong, what could i have done etc etc. I felt really lousy initially, my self esteem dived down to realise that we have supported each other (career, acaedmics) and he decided to walk away and give it all up..

i couldnt understand why or how is it even possible. I was crushed.

Yes, you are right! i cannot let this 1 person affect my life. And i wont 🙂 my friend told me this “focus all the negativity into positivity. make sure that something good comes out of this “.

I don’t have loads of wisdom or anything but if it’s any consolation, my Fiance and I have been together more on than off for 9 years. And though I was the one who ended it for a brief period (I had a long struggle with anorexia and ended it when I went to inpatient treatment much contested by Fiance –the break not the treatment)

But everything fell back into place after and now we are wedding planning. So what I’m getting at is that maybe your SO or Fiance (i hate to say ex it sounds so negative because I really hope you find your way back to each other) but maybe he just needs to work on himself before he has a commitment as huge as marriage you know? I mean that was my case anyways.

I wish you the best of luck and REALLLY hope everything works out with you two and if it unfortunately doesn’t for some reason, it’s probably for the better and you’ll meet someone who is wonderful and perfect for you!

He might not have wanted to work on the issues because he feels they are irreperable. Sometimes problems can’t be fixed, especially if your problems were based on inherent personality characteristics you have.

I doubt that you did anything wrong. I doubt there is anything wrong with you. But your fiance felt there was something wrong with the relationship. You could both do everything “right” and have no flaws, but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with him.

AmyJCardiff: i think the main reason was we dated continuously since we were late teens till now. The focus then till 2 years ago was on studies. unfortunately, we didnt progress the way it should be into adulthood and changes in life.

im not sure what the future will hold for me,him. But at least now, i think the best is for me to grow on my own. like most of you bees commented, i need some time to learn about myself, being comfortable with myself. im no longer 17/18, im now a woman who needs to know what she wants to be in life 🙂

i take this as a positive step for myself. ive a list of goals written to accomplish in 2015! small goals to achieve and look forward too!