Stepdad Vs. Dad

I have a issue. My parents split when I was 4. I was told by my mother that seeing him was not a good idea anymore and from the time I was 8-14 had not contact other then presents left on my door step by him christmas’s and Birthdays. The relationship between my dad and mom is very poor. He is fine and mature around her and when she is not there but she is constantly slipping in rude comments accusing him and so on. I have never once heard him say a bad word about my mom however. I only saw him 2 or 3 times a year after i was 14, mainly special occasions but lately we have gotten much closer. My Fiance gets along great with him and he is very supportave of us. My mom remarried when i was 6 and my step dad have never really hit it off, nothing against him just never had a connection. Recently my mom emailed my Fiance to inform him if my dad has a part of planning or walking of the isle they will have to take a major step back because it will break my stepdads heart. Personally I think he will be fine and this is her speaking but who knows. My dad also remarried and my step mom is awesome. I REALLY want my dad to walk me and he has offered to help pay so I think he is owed it as well but at the same time the family i lived with will be very upset and are making threats. What do I do. Please help

I have to say, that no matter how shitty of a dad my dad was, and though they broke up 100000 times before finally really splitting when I was 8……my mom ALWAYS told me, no matter what, remember your dad loves you. He was and still can be selfish, he didn’t show up for daddy things, and I never was able to depend on him to show up, until I had my daughter (now he’s making things right and that’s ok with me). But no matter what they went through, no matter how mad she was or how disappointed she was and how easy it would have been to make him out to be an asshole – she ALWAYS reminded me – HE LOVES YOU.

When he was supposed to pick me up and I was waiting with shoes on only for him to be 2 hours late or have something he got stuck at work with – “rememeber your daddy loves you”. I have a hard time with how your mom handled things for you, because I’ve had my issues with my mom as well but I can say the one thing I love her for the most was this. They fought, ALL THE TIME, but she never ever EVER tried to turn me against him. EVER.

If you have a relationship with him now (realizing maybe you didn’t BECAUSE of her) you need to do what you want in your heart. Realize that maybe he wasn’t around because she wouldn’t allow it, or because she made him the bad guy. Maybe he gave up trying to be with you FOR you. And if after all this you want him to be the one with you as you walk down the aisle, DO IT. It’s your call, and she doesn’t get to make these decisions for you any longer. She’s been doing it all your childhood life, you’re an adult. Do what makes your heart happy, what feels right to you.

This sounds like the situation a coworker of mine is going through. She divorced when her daughter was young and the daughter subsequently didn’t see her father very much. Mom remarried so there was a stepdad. No true connection ever sparked with the stepdad, but he did raise her like his own and treated her no differently than his own children.

Meanwhile mom has badmouthed dad over and over. Now that the daugther is older she has reconnected with her father and wants him to walk her down the aisle, not stepdad. Sounds reasonable, right? Well your case could be a total 180, but in this instance I have heard the opposite side of the story and I have a different opinion based on that. Sure, dad is nice and there is a connection – but he was never there during the difficult times. He wasn’t there to help with homework, deal with discipline, pay for school supplies, 1st cars or college. He has been there as a friend – for all of the easy stuff. Sure, there was never a strong bond with the stepdad, but despite that he was there to raise her. He treated her like his own, he paid for her college tuition, he taught her to drive, he punished her when necessary and attended every birthday and milestone party. Stepdad is a tough guy that doesn’t show sappy emotions, but upon hearing about the daughter choosing the dad over him he was crushed.

Now maybe your stepdad didn’t do these things and he was a just a place filler, but I have to ask – despite the problems between your parents, why did your dad not fight to see you during those years between ages 8-14? Did your mom have sole custody and didn’t allow it, or? Because otherwise I would want to know where he was when it really counted. A present on a doorstep does not a good father make no matter how “nice” he is or how awesome his new wife is. I would want a legitimate reason why he was not around and making himself a part of your life. Your mom being difficult is not a good reason for his absence.

I don’t want to sound harsh, I just have a personal experience like this too. My father is an asshole. My mom badmouthed him over and over – but you know what, the truth is he was a poor excuse for a father. He was never there when it mattered, but now that I’m older he wants to be there and lets just pretend that the past didn’t happen. Excuse me? No. Maybe that is harsh, but no.

@Kaiteboo: It sounds to me like your mother has been deliberately sabotaging your relationship with your dad. I think you should ask your dad to walk you down the aisle. Your mom can get over it. You can of course recognise your mother and stepdad in other ways.

I would be inclined to say ask your dad. BUT my daughter is 7, never met her father, my partner has been around since she was 2, raising her, providing for her etc. When she gets married, if she connected with her dad a few years previously I would be, as well as my partner, heartbroken. He is her DAD. He is there as a DAD. Anyone can be a father but not anyone can be there for you as a dad should. until I thought about it as if it were my daughter i was yep, you should have your dad, but then I thought about it and thought hang on – If it were me I would be heartbroken!

You choose who walks you down the aisle–not your mother or any other stray family member with an opinion. It seems your Mom is being very manipulative and that is inappropriate IMO. If you want your bio Dad by your side, then why not ask him? Step Dad is a grown man and can tell you how he feels if so inclined–although I wouldn’t expect he’d say anything if your Mom is really the one with an agenda.

I think if you have a relationship with your father despite your mother’s attempts to prevent that he should be the one to walk you down the aisle, after all he’s half the reason you exist. Don’t let your mother make this decision for you, it seems like she already did enough to keep you two apart.

Your situation sounds almost identical to mine when I got married. I had my biological father walk me the first half of the way down the aisle as it represented the beginning of my life, my step-father met us half way, they shook hands & my step-father walked me the rest of the way down as he was the one who raised me & who I considered my Dad. When our officiant asked who gives me away my step-father made a point to say “her family” (not just my mother & him). It may not work for everyone but that’s what worked for my family.

Given what you said, it sounds like your mother is immature and has done everything she could to destroy your relationship. Don’t allow her to continue behaving that way. Have a talk with your stepdad because it’s quite possible that he really doesn’t feel that way and it’s your mom who is pushing for this. Call her out on her behavior, let her know that you aren’t going to tolerate her behavior. That she needs to show up to the wedding and behave like an adult. See what she says and take it from there.

@Kaiteboo: Wow your situation sounds almost like mines except I am extremely close to my stepdad. He has been in my life since I was 3 and raised me with my mom. But now for last few years I kinda have been getting a little closer to biological. So confused as to who will walk me down the aisle. I know my stepdad will be contributing to the wedding but biological is too poor to give me $ for it. I feel as if stepdad has earned the privilege to walk me because he raised me but then biological’s feelings would be hurt.

In your situation I think I would chose biological because it sounds like you never really hit it off with your stepdad. Plus you are closer to your biological even though it took years to get to that point.

@GoldenBee: I thought about doing this as well when the time comes. However, some people I have mentioned it too thought it was abnormal to have my biological walk me half way down the aisle then meet my stepdad (who raised me) and have him walk me the rest of the way. But I think this might work for me and I am glad to hear that someone else has done it this way.