The US Coast Guard has finally implemented the long awaited next generation search engine to power the service in the new millenium.
In compliance with OSHA safety guidelines, the new engine utilizes a closed side design, genuine sleeve bearings, along with numerous other advanced features.

This new power source is the first of many conversions planned as compliance with federal regulations mandating the re-use of existing natural energy is phased in.

In an attempt to show
Minnesotans that he has a "soft side", outspoken Governor Ventura has adopted a two mile stretch of I-94 just south of Minneapolis. "I'm really a caring and lovable person" says the Gov, "Caring people don't mince words- their minds let them out free".

Venturas detractors, though not impressed, plan a ticker tape parade on I-94 to celebrate the adoption.

Inspired by competition amongst long distance telephone companies, the Worldwide Congress of Churches is likely to adopt a 1c per minute "eternal salvation" plan. Reports of hellish competition and bedeviled donations has driven a spirited debate on the value of time in the eternal hereafter.

Adoption of the 1 cent plan is expected when the
organization concludes this Thursday, and should be available at your local parish by May 2000. The exact details of the plan are not available yet, but are rumored to contain various incentives for holiday and weekend donations.

Little League Renamed

Responding to complaints by parents, the Little League Baseball Association of America will change its name to the "Premiere League". Citing the results of a study to determine the cause of a general decline in player self esteem and increased apathy.

"The term 'Little' made players feel small" says
League spokesman Manny Rice. Rice adds that "we need to foster a sense of good-feeling and accomplishment amongst our players".

The name change is to become effective immediately with other changes to be phased in over the next two years. Reportedly, the terms "out", "foul" and "short-stop" are targeted for updating.

The new Food Court TV will provide exclusive
coverage of both the culinary and social issues of shopping mall fast food.

Ratings are already high for the networks prime-time lineup which features shows on teen loitering, indigestion control and spill management. "Everyone loves eating at the mall" comments Merrill Dean, VP of Programming for the network. Dean adds that Our success with the OJ trial naturally helps our present OJ coverage in our morning lineup-- America is just fascinated with OJ!".

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