the home of a dreamer and a realist.

I discovered that I was living a fake life- one which was disguised by a wall of self-reliance and confidence. I took the Lord out of the life equation- and subsequently completely fell apart. Multiple times. I have gone from denial to admittance, and from numb to raw. A transition I eagerly grasped for, but am almost more terrified to hold onto.

I’m doing life alone for the first time. Adjusting to new schedules where I don’t see family as much, and the dreamer is often gone visiting her other half (and rightfully so). Life is hectic, and I have always kept a busy schedule. But I’m finding myself lost in the quiet moments. Lost in the lulls. I don’t know where I belong. This city (bah, it’s a town) doesn’t exactly promote the single life. I can count on my hands, or maybe even hand, the number of young, single people I know- which is not at all a knock against families or marriage. But community is hard as a single person. Excruciating, even. Conversations are constantly focused on the latest spouse update or kid’s funny story. It’s hard to relate. It’s hard to feel heard.

So I’m adjusting. I’m trying to figure out how to be open and truthful about my heart instead of sugarcoating it and putting on a facade of lies. But it can be so draining- because the truth isn’t fun. Because the truth is: I’m not in love with Jesus. I’m not pursuing Him. I’m not being intentional about my time with Him. I’m only asking for what I need, not earnestly seeking Him. I want to, because I desire it- but also because I need it. I need Him to be my source and my strength.

I’ve struggled with this pursuit for so long (and I’m sure I always will wrestle with serving myself instead of Him). However, I desperately want to love Him well and learn to depend on Him alone.

listening: nothing.. which i think is a ‘currents’ first? eating: nothing, but there is an ear of corn cooking as i type.drinking: h2o, room temperature. my fave.wearing: grey dress with sash, nude pumps.feeling: intrigued. anticipating lots of big announcements.weather: moderately warm, quite pleasant really.wanting: to find a hotel for an upcoming vacation.needing: motivation to do the not-so-fun business stuff.thinking: I am eternally grateful for the women’s retreat last weekend.enjoying: watching the Lord orchestrate my life. and those around me.wondering: if the bun is a boy or a girl. J&M find out cinco de mayo!!wishing: I had a companion for all the driving I’m doing this weekend.praying: that I can revel in God’s holiness

listening: Bifrost Arts on Grooveshark (Thanks, Luke).
eating: nothing. but my stomach is growling.
drinking: nothing, but needing water for the dull ache in my head.
wearing: capris, white cardigan, and pink tanktop.
feeling: somber and subdued.
weather: warm, as we are on the verge of Florida’s hot season.
wanting: to have a really interesting conversation with someone new.
needing: drive and passion to do what needs to get done.
thinking: that God’s ‘currents’ are always the same. so cool.
enjoying: the music, and the tenderness, filling my ears and soul.
wondering: if music speaks to others as it does me.
wishing: I was in Indiana to see my bf’s pregnant belly grow.
praying: to trust God’s timing. For every aspect of my life.

we would have shared the ginger-o’s instead of me eating all of them (maybe).
we would have walked around first friday instead of sitting on the couch.i wouldn’t have watched another horrible lifetime “film”. i wouldn’t have worked the whole evening.we would have seen fireworks. literally. we would have laughed.

I’ve had the joy of having one of my lifelong friends in town this week.

She came to visit spur of the moment, and has been needing to process through a recent break-up.
Just get away from the daily grind and actually feel what she needs to feel.
To wrestle with singleness.
And I totally get that.

As we talked, I couldn’t help but come to a very stark realization:My heart is really full right now.And looking back- it’s been quite the process.

I remember that day ever so clearly. I remember the sense of dread before his phone call came. I remember the anticipation of saying goodbye, the desperation I knew I couldn’t voice. I remember feeling like my heart would never heal. I remember sobbing as I tearfully told the Lord that I was laying down our relationship. That I was letting go. It was an Abraham/Isaac sacrifice. I knew it was a test of my faith to trust the Lord in the moment. To trust that if we were ever going to work, that I had to lay it down and let Him give it back to me. I remember feeling so connected to the Lord that night.
I remember sensing His presence and witnessing His faithfulness.

I remember the aftermath. The silence that suddenly came. No phone calls. No emails. No conversations that lasted until the wee hours of the morning. That investment was instantly gone. I remember going on “rounds” as an RA by myself and feeling completely and utterly alone. I remember going through the ebb and flow of the loss, the highs and lows. I remember the stupid crushes that tried to replace him. The panic of admitting how amazing he was, and trusting that I needed to continue to let him go. I remember so many conversations at the college coffee shop with various friends.
My eyes welling up in anger that it was over- and that there was no one else.

I remember the day I finally let go completely. The relief and the peace as the envelope slipped through the post office box. One last letter, just to say a complete goodbye. My heart had long been disconnected from “us”- but my soul was still conflicted. His salvation had been selfishly held captive by my own pride. And I finally released it. I thanked him for being a true gentleman- for loving me so well. Then I wished him not only well, but the best, and told him I would be forever grateful for our relationship.
And I walked away complete in Him.

I heard this song by Adele today and thought it was very fitting.

“Nothing compares.
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They’re memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste?

Never mindI’ll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon’t forget me, I begI remember you said“Sometimes it lasts in loveBut sometimes it hurts instead”

The past few years have definitely had their hard moments. Their gut-wrenching, slaps-in-the-face moments. Being single isn’t always fun. It isn’t always joy-filled and lighthearted. But as I talked to my friend last night, I was struck by how evident the love of the Lord is in my life. I see His immense passion for who He created me to be. An overwhelming pursuit to love me.
And I know that love will never change- no matter who I am with or where I am.

I hate hurting people.
No really, I often will choose to hurt myself if I can avoid hurting someone else.
Take the blame. Keep my mouth shut. Fib to make it “not the end of the world.”

I hate the idea of causing someone pain. Of creating grief.
Of stealing joy. Of taking what is not mine.

Especially for those closest to my heart.

And I did that this week. I hurt someone in a moment that was supposed to be completely joy-filled. There was supposed to be immense celebration. In an effort to spread the joy, I isolated one of the dearest people to me, and completely overlooked their situation.
I kept them from feeling that joy by thinking only of myself.

It wore on me all week. I couldn’t help but think of it constantly. My opinion of the situation continually changed. The selfishness in my heart was a never-ending ebb & flow.

I was right. No, definitely wrong. Well, if only.. Well, I should have..
Why didn’t they? How could you?

I wanted to pacify my guilt by removing the reality of the responsibility I need to claim.
I was insensitive. And I hurt feelings.