Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Last Saturday, a man was killed by a mountain goat in Olympic National Park. Of course, that's a terrible tragedy, and I feel sorry for the man and his family and friends.

But it's also kind of embarrassing. Killed by a mountain goat? I mean seriously, that's a pretty lame way to die.

I don't actually believe in Heaven, but if there is one, I think they would have meetups. And if they had meetups in Heaven, they'd probably have one for people who were killed by animals. And it would probably go something like this: St. Ignatius of Antioch: Hello, and welcome to our Annual Meetup of People Who Were Killed by Animals. Let's get started by introducing ourselves and saying how we were killed. My name is St. Ignatius, and I was killed by lions.

Voice from group: St. Ignatius of Loyola?

St. IoA: No, St. Ignatius of Antioch.

Voice: Oh. I went to St. Ignatius High School, but it was the other St. Ignatius.

Another voice: I went to Loyola University.

Yet another voice: I didn't know there was more than one St. Ignatius.

St. IoA: Listen, people have been mistaking me for that Jesuit bastard for the last 450 years! He died of natural causes! I was killed by lions in the Roman fucking Colosseum! [Pause] Ahem. Can we get back on topic now? Who's next?

Indian guy: Uh, my name is Ranjit and I was eaten by a tiger.

Group: Oooh!

African woman: My name is Nozamo, and I was trampled by elephants.

Group: Ohhh!

Spanish guy: My name is Carlos, and I was killed in a bullfight.

Group: [Murmuring] Kind of served him right...

So they go around the group, and it's pretty impressive. Mauled by a grizzly bear, eaten by sharks, bitten by a mamba.... And then they come to Steve.

Steve: I took a stingray barb to the chest!

Group: [Snickering]

St. IoA: A... stingray barb?

Voice from group: Wait, weren't you the Crocodile Hunter?

Steve: Yes I was.

Voice: I was actually killed by a crocodile.

Another voice: Hey, me too! A whole bunch of them! They tore me into chunks and ate me!

Group: Oooh!

Steve: Yeah, but this stingray was a really fierce creature! Crikey! It turned suddenly and attacked me! It's tail had a barb two feet long!

St. IoA: Steve, remember you're in Heaven now.

Steve: Oh. Well. All right, I got too close and it just flicked its tail in my direction. I'm not sure it even knew I was there.

St. IoA: And the barb on its tail?

Steve: Six inches long. It just happened to hit me in a perfectly bad spot.