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The Schmoes Know production “Kick Ass 2 Review! (Tiffany Smith joins!)” is a multimedia trip through Hell, and critic Mark Ellis is captain of the paddle boat leading you down the river Styx. Along your journey, you will be bombarded with exclamation points (indicating excitement!), subjected to an agonizingly long video review, and then left upon the shores of the underworld, probably to claw your own eyes out in agony.

The video clocks in at a bloated eight minutes and 21 seconds. That’s nearly nine minutes of non-stop excitement about how action-packed and spectacular Kick-Ass 2 is. Apparently it was not spectacular enough for the Schmoes to properly hyphenate it in the review title, but I digress. Video reviews are great for those with short attention spans, except when they’re this intumescent. Then there’s just no reason for them to exist.

The text review is much more brief, but so much so that it only works as an accompaniment to the video, which, again, defeats the purpose for its existence. There is no real substance to the review. In fact, it reads like something a high schooler wrote for his school newspaper after forgetting to watch the movie and reading blurbs about it on the Internet instead. I’m not saying Ellis didn’t watch the movie. It’s obvious by his extreme enthusiasm that he did, and he thought it was totally rad. His writing just lacks even the faintest hint of articulateness. Avoid this review, or know true suffering.