That’s right, folks. After a months-long hiatus during which I gave my #1 Fan basically no thought whatsoever he has returned with a vengeance! This past Thursday morning I awoke to a new comment on my blog. Since it came at 1:53am from a person who called himself “Anti-Fail” I figured it was just spam. I figured wrong. I looked at the comment and discovered that, from the email address rebekahfranklifefail@yahoo.com, I had been sent the following message of support and love:

Instead of worrying about events happening halfway around the country and world, perhaps you should worry about how you came to be a 30-something year old bartender living on $2 an hour. That in and of itself is a greater travesty than ISIS or Michael Brown. Perhaps the only greater travesty is pretending that going to the New School equates to having a real actual degree. It’s like bragging about graduating from the University of Phoenix. Hahaha. Keep writing your whiny Feminazi hairy armpit gibberish. How it amuses us so.

Now, and forever…

Your Superiors

Just a little back story for those not in the know. This message came from one of my old customers at a bar I worked at for years. He would come into the bar 3-5 times a week and get totally hammered and act like a dick. He called me a cunt a few times. Some female customers complained to me about the way he aggressively hit on them. Oh, and he asked one of my coworkers out while his fiancee was sitting like 2 stools down and, when my coworker called him out, he lied about being engaged. And he one time snuck a bottle of vodka into the bar. I could continue, but it’s too depressing. This is a stand-up dude who loves and respects women. Obviously we got along famously and I was always so happy when I heard his voice from halfway down the block while I approached work.

For those among you who might want to email this person back with some opinions of your own, don’t bother because he undoubtedly deactivated the email account immediately after sending it. But don’t worry, we play the long game at FranklyRebekah. As my friend just said, “I am the Scorpio here so my revenge thinking goes to total life destruction even if it takes a long time.” Everyone loves to have a little vengeful imagination adventure, right? So if anyone wants to plot revenge and use my #1 Fan as the target, even just for your own amusement, feel free. He’s shareable.

Anyway, to just sort of hammer this home to you guys a little bit, the last comment I received from this person was 6 months ago.Six. Which means that for the past six months this wonderful man has been silently stewing, awaiting the perfect time to appear and call me a loser. And the perfect time, it seems, was when I wrote a post about a young, unarmed black man being shot and killed by a police officer in Ferguson, his body then left in the street for 4 hours, which sparked a (much needed) nation-wide conversation about race in America. Oh, and in that same post I discussed an innocent man being beheaded by ISIS. It seems a little crazy to me that the amount of money that I make per hour should matter so much to someone who, it seems, hates me. I mean, if anyone should care a lot about that it should be me, right? But as it turns out, money is not particularly important to me. Also, as it turns out, the minimum wage for tipped workers in New York state is actually $8 an hour, with bars and restaurants obligated to make up the difference if our tips don’t amount to that much. In (legal) theory anyway. Which I would think this person would know considering, you know, he’s a lawyer.

And as for my armpits? I shave them. My legs, on the other hand, are sort of touch and go. I have sensitive skin so I’m a waxer and sometimes I just don’t feel like going all the way up to midtown. So, I mean, if you are going to criticize my feminism you could at least be accurate and call it my “whiny Feminazi hairy leg gibberish,” ya know? Although I do take pause at your use of the word “gibberish,” but I’ll leave it. No need to split hairs (no pun intended).

And as for the stuff about The New School? You’re welcome to think it sucks. That’s fine. It’s not like I established it or something. But truth be told I actually learned a lot of stuff and was taught by one of the people responsible for the creation of the Human Development Index which is sort of a big deal. Also, I made some really good friends who are awesome and supportive and also write a lot of “whiny Feminazi hairy ______ gibberish” so at least I found my people. And, one other thing, I would imagine that the University of Phoenix is a perfectly fine school and the people that graduate from there learned things and are proud of themselves and go on to do awesome things in life, be that bartending or working in finance or becoming a nurse or whatever. Poo-pooing someone elses education is some elitist bullshit.

So, in summation, I am actually left wondering how this person came to be a 40-something year old man who spends time at almost 2 in the morning on a Wednesday making up email addresses and sending ridiculous comments to people’s blogs. But, you know, people make choices. I made my choice to write and bartend and he made his choice to be a cyber bully.

So I am having this funny thing happen right now which is that my blog has been getting lots of hits. And it’s not because I have been writing lots of new and really great posts. It’s because I wrote a letter to my Dad on his birthday and apparently there are a lot of non-creative people out there who are searching for a letter to a dad. And it has left me wondering…has anyone given the letter I wrote to my dad to their own dad? And like, what would their dad say about that?

Um…that’s really nice and all honey but I don’t remember any of these things happening.

I suppose that could work if this person’s dad has amnesia or is an alcoholic or drug addict and therefore doesn’t remember certain details of their kids’ upbringing. But even still. I mean, I called out my siblings in my post and I would be very, very surprised if there was someone who had a dad who was an addict or had amnesia who also had siblings (and a super awesome sibling-in-law who is more an actual sister than a sister by marriage) named Aaron, Lucy and Claire. It’s possible, I suppose, but extremely unlikely.

I mean, I don’t know, I just can’t imagine going on The Internet and being like

Wow, it’s my dad’s birthday and I want to write him a letter. Maybe someone else has written a letter that I can use.

And then coming across my letter. I then wonder whether upon reading my letter they are like

In other news, did anyone else learn about the US Airways tweet containing a photo of a girl with a model airplane stuck in her vagina? I just…The Internet. It has so many things. So many weird and inappropriate things that just pop up randomly in very unexpected places. Sort of like there you are, lying in your bed, and BAM! Boeing 777 in your vagina! And you have no idea how it got there! That’s what The Internet is like. It’s like, you start searching for something about population growth. Then you end up on something about population control. And then you wind up on some article about forced sterilization. And then you find a horribly racist conversation between a bunch of skinheads saying terrible things and you just want to go hide in a cave because, as I have said before, they let anyone on The Internet these days. And then you berate yourself for reading the comments because you should know to never, ever, ever read the comments. Even on an article about how cute bunnies are the comments are not safe. Somehow someone will take bunnies and go somewhere incredibly racist with it and you won’t even know what happened and then you will look down and BAM! Boeing 777 in your vagina. Well, not literally but you get the picture. No pun intended.

I don’t know how I got from people reading a letter I wrote to a girl with a model airplane stuck in her cootchie. See? The Internet did it again.