More than just Energy Drinks.

Joe Buzz is a really neat product. It is a small snus pouch designed to be placed between your gum and lip, left in for 30 minutes, and then discarded once the high amount of caffeine has been absorbed through your oral membrane. Of course, I was immediately reminded of the Revved Up Energy Dip I reviewed forever ago, but thankfully there is no tobacco in Joe Buzz; it is instead made from real coffee. The concept itself is great and provides the opportunity for discreet, effective caffeine ingestion without having to slam back an energy drink or suffer through that shitty Amp gum. Concept alone will only carry a product so far, and thankfully Joe Buzz is able to deliver an adequate effect.

The pouches are available in three different flavors: Grape, Watermelon, and Mint Chocolate.

Grape:

Intrigued at the proposition of a grape-flavored coffee pouch, I tore open the resealable package and stuck my nose cautiously inside. Perhaps not surprisingly, I was greeted with an initially confusing but not entirely unpleasant aroma. The coffee and grape odors were mixed in a manner that reminded me of my little league baseball days, when Big League Chew and my stimulant-dependent grandmother’s yellowed dentures could always be found in my duffle bag. I placed the packet awkwardly inside my mouth and let it mellow. The flavor wasn’t necessarily bad, yet like the aroma it was very strange. The grape was prominent over the the coffee’s bitterness, but wasn’t quite strong enough to cover it up completely. Instead the flavors aggressively grinded upon one another atop the dance floor that is my tongue.

Watermelon:

The next day, I decided to dip into the Watermelon flavor. The experience was essentially the same; the aroma was reminiscent of fruit-flavored gum with a coffee undertone. But before I could pop it into my mouth, a curious co-worker, who happens to be black, axed me what I had. I briefly explained the product, and as soon as I mentioned the word “watermelon” he stole the pouch and stuffed it in his cheek. About five minutes later he spat it in the trash, punched me in the stomach, and stole my shoes. Needless to say, he’s no longer with the company. But I digress. The watermelon flavor really doesn’t work too well here. It blends with the coffee in an unpleasant fashion, presenting the user with an artificially-flavored bitterness in their saliva that pools on the palate, just begging to be spat out.

Mint Chocolate:

Easily the best of the three flavors, the mint chocolate variation is a truly enjoyable product. The aromatic factors of the cool mint, sweet chocolate, and rich coffee come together like pigs in a blanket — where “pigs” refers to your mom and “blanket” refers to MY blanket. Sucka. At any rate, the flavor is fantastic and truly enjoyable, and never once was my mouth confused about the biracial relationship of fruit and coffee. Instead I was treated to a thoroughly sweet, satisfyingly succulent product with a refreshing mint flavor that accompanies the delightfully bitter bite of the real coffee inside of the pouch. If you’re looking to try just one variant of Joe Buzz, make it Mint Chocolate.

Final Words:

The innovative delivery method is efficient, the price is right, the kick is sustained, and the experience isn’t ruined by jitters or a depressive crash. Though two of the flavors — Grape and Watermelon — weren’t quite as pleasant as I would have liked, the Mint Chocolate Joe Buzz caffeinated pouch is easily among the best oral energy supplements on the market. I would really like to see the company add a few more flavors to their lineup; ones more compatible with the coffee flavor. Dulce de leche and vanilla bean immediately pop into mind.

I remember back however many years ago it was that I started the Everyview network (I really don’t remember it very well at all). After working as hard as I could (I really put very little effort into it) to acquire a sizable amount of daily traffic (our actual daily traffic reflects the actual amount of effort I put into the site), companies finally started sending me samples of their products in exchange for very well-written (barely comprehensible) reviews.

I was getting energy drinks, video games, books, albums, food… all kinds of stuff! My friends thought I was the coolest kid on the entire block! Keep in mind the fact that my friends are all ages 11-13 and I am a 22 year-old grown man. However, it was a double-edged sword. Sure, I’d often get awesome products to write reviews for, but equally likely to happen was the exact opposite. I’ve consumed some pretty terrible products in the last three (or how ever many) years.

Samba99, the latest free product I’ve received, is an all-natural bar composed almost entirely of organic ingredients, and it has exactly 0g of saturated fat. Now if you don’t know me in real life, you probably know that Samba99 is far from my cup of tea. Also, you probably know that I don’t drink tea. I probably should have said that Samba99 is far from my jar of gravy, which I do drink. A lot.

Or will be soon, rather. I’m working on getting everything running properly and doing a tad bit of tweaking here and there. At any rate, reviews should start again soon. In the meantime, why not head on over to our parent site, Everyview, and see what we’ve got going on over there. Just recently got that site operational again, so go show some love with lots of kisses and heavy petting.

I, as anyone who has read my review for Drank or ViB likely knows, am a huge fan of relaxation drinks. However, I hardly ever get to enjoy them since literally no gas station around where I live carries any brand of any type of relaxation shot or drink, which is why I’ve only reviewed a slight handful of this type of product. You see, the only time I ever get to drink an anti-energy beverage is when I go out of town to places like Cincinnati, Memphis, Michigan City and Nashville, and those trips don’t happen very often.

That is why, on my recent road trip to Memphis (which is a terrible place), I picked up a few cans of my personal favorite, Drank, and a couple cans of Unwind. This is ironic since I went into the gas station looking to buy a few Monsters to get me through the eight hour drive back home. In fact, it wasn’t until we had been on the road for about an hour that I realized I was thirsty and had only a pile of relaxation beverages to quench my thirst.

I’m not saying these drinks cause drowsiness or tiredness, but I’m very prone to highway hypnosis. The Drank seemed to intensify the effect, leading to many run-ins with rumble strips on the side of the road. Not that I gave a shit. I was too relaxed to jerk into the other. I was feeling smooth.

Okay. I am not a girlie person. Nor am I TOO concerned about my figure. But apparently there is some sort of market out there for energy drinks geared towards women. I am a woman. But that doesn’t mean I want a pink can. I am almost offended by the fact that companies think they need to make a pink can to attract women. Of course… I’m not a usual woman, am I?

Oh well. I’m sure there are women out there attracted to the pink color of cans, clothes, etc., but I just am not one of those. I never have been, I never will be. What’s even worse is that the can is tiny. You know those cans you would get with your Lunchables sometimes filled with that subpar Cola? That size. I hope this doesn’t feminize me.

Review:

Sniffing at the contents, it smells fruity with a kind of chemical odor to it as well. This does not make me want to try it any faster. Tasting it, it is almost exactly how it smells. Fruity. I can’t really pinpoint all of the fruits but strawberry is definitely in there. I HATE STRAWBERRY. Yeuch… Though to be fair I am not really cringing at the fact I have to finish the can. Also, there isn’t much of a kick to this. How do I know before I finish the can? The ingredients list. It is powered by 1,000mg of Taurine and 80mg of caffeine. There are some nice vitamins though like B3, B6, things like that so it will add to the whole kick factor.

Sigh… Love. What a beautiful thing. There is nothing more splendid that finding that one perfect match for you. The one person that matches you to the deepest degree. The person with which you can make sensual, sweet love for the rest of your life. Your soul mate.

Sadly, not everyone is equally able to find that elusive love. I am one of those people. No matter where I go, what I say or how I dress, women quite simply aren’t interested in anything I have to offer. Perhaps it is because I’m prematurely balding? Well, I’m also fat… that probably has something to do with it. I’m also blessed with a face that resembles a burn victim, through my scars were caused by years of teenage acne as opposed to the raging flames of a house fire. I know I’m not the only one. No, there are dozens of us! People who can’t seem to find love are all around you, sulking in the shadows of your happiness, holding a gun to our heads and masturbating with Kroger-brand unscented lotion.

However, many of us have our ways of finding women even if they aren’t interested in us. The only one I’ve ever participated in is drastically lowering my standards, accepting anything with a vagina and a heartbeat. Well… a vagina at least. Sounds sad, doesn’t it? The dead ones are much better than the morbidly obese, bearded man-ladies I often take home.

The other two options are ones I’m not so fond in, but I’ve heard they work. The first is slipping a rufilin into a girl’s drink, taking her home and having your way with her. The other is very similar to the roofie trick, only much cheaper. Simply grab a brick or large rock off the ground, and instead of slipping it into her drink, bash your selected lover over the skull with it. Same effect of date rape drugs without the expense and risk of dealing with a shady drug dealer.

Thank God that there is finally a fourth way to find love. Harcos Labs’ newest creation, the Love Energy Potion, is sure to have the devastating effect of Cupid’s Arrow on any woman you give it to, making it impossible for her to resist you.

No, that’s not really what it is. Love Energy Potion is just a new flavor of Harcos’ classic energy formula, injected with some aphrodisiacs to pump your sex drive. I’m not a hundred percent sure if it truly has that effect, but we’ll see how it manages to stack up against stiff energy shot competition.

Cue Rocket Man music
Out there… flying through the air. Red Bull gives you wings? This stuff known as Rocket Chocolate is supposed to make you fly through the air faster than a speeding bullet. But is it all that it claims? It says that it has twice the caffeine. But it doesn’t say what product it has twice as much caffeine as. Another part of the package says ‘Boosts like a cup of coffee’. Of course the package doesn’t list anything at all.

I couldn’t find anything on their site, so there’s really no telling at all what is in it. Bad score there. Bad form, too. The little package does, however, have a little drawing of a rocket ship. Each wrapper is differently colored according to flavor. The ingredients list on this one (Chocolate Mint flavor) states milk chocolate, lecithin, vanillin, coconut oil, caffeine, natural peppermint oil, glycerine. It also has a warning that it may contain traces of peanut butter. Good thing I’m not allergic to that.

Oh wait… Are you telling me it was just a candy? Well then! Nevermind. I’ll be perfectly fine. Barium Energy Powder is one of the newer flavors of powders made by Harcos Labs. I have had a lot of horrible-tasting powders just like my fellow reviewer has had horrible mints.

I was a bit sketchy about trying the powder from Harcos Labs because of these previous experiences. So, I just ordered one tube and I am wishing I had ordered more. Find out why in a second…

I don’t really have a lot of times when I actually NEED to open up a can of Whoopass, but that doesn’t mean I won’t when the time calls for it. Oh yes. I am willing and able to open up that can. Usually when I do open it I’m trying to pwn n00bs on Xbox Live rather than actually getting into the ring like the MMA’s Ryan Bader, the most-known endorser of this drink.

Supposedly this stuff isn’t just for energy, but for helping in muscle recovery after a long workout session. There are actually a few drinks and shots that align themselves with being for physical exertion rather than a gamer or someone at work needing that boost to get rid of the sleepies after lunch. Honestly, I think I fall more into the gamer category more than anything else.

Heck, I might as well admit it. I one hundred percent fall into the ‘gamer’ portion of the energy drink consumers. I am not an athlete. Never will be. I was for a short stint but we won’t talk about that. You don’t want to hear about my personal history, you want a kickass review for Whoopass Energy Drink!

Hello everyone. I have recently been added to the Caffeine Critic staff. I go by Kat. I have recently become rather involved in the edible caffeine product community. There is a lot of stuff out there that is good and not-so-good. There are a lot of contenders for the throne as best energy drink, mint, chew, and shot. I hope I can help you figure out which is the best and which just falls flat. I hope to make it so that your reading isn’t boring and that you don’t need an energy drink just to get through my review of an energy drink.

Look for my reviews at least once a week. I’ve got quite a few things in stockpile already.

If there is any product out there that you want reviewed, just send me an email entitled ‘Caffeine Review Suggestion’ to tdn.kat(at)gmail(dot)com.