Mafia to pay compensation to protection racket victims

Mafia bosses have agreed to pay compensation to customers who were mis-sold protection which may not have suited their requirements. The regulatory body Ofgang found that in some cases, businesses were offered protection against their windows being smashed in, when they didn’t even have any windows.

‘Frankly we would expect insurance to be more carefully tailored to customers’ personal needs’ said the official regulator Mr Peter Annal. ’We found distressed local businesses paying out large amounts so that they were insured against ‘sleeping with the fishes’ of all things!. Frankly that sounds like a bit of a long shot, and not something we would expect to see covered in any normal personal or business risk assessment. Nor would we expect customers to pay out large premiums to avoid the risk of ‘trying the cement shoes for size’ or ‘waking up with da gee-gee’.

Mafia bosses have said they don’t know where they’re going to find the money to pay the compensation. Spokesman Luigi ‘the Hatchet’ Moreno said ‘Someone suggested we borrow it from Barclays – but I’m not dealing with those crooks.’

However the regulator has since softened his stance on how quickly the compensation has to be paid, particularly since he has just extended his own personal cover. ‘Having spoken to my broker, Mr Mario ‘the Knife’ Peronne, I have been persuaded that it is actually worth me paying out several thousand pounds a year to ensure that none of my legitimate business associates ‘castrates me, forces my wife to wear my balls as earings, then puts her in a Palookaville freakshow.’ I mean you can’t be too careful.’