Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I had a chat with an old friend today. Brought up some old memories. Some good, some not. Nostalgia in droves. It got me thinking about, well, me. And the age old question, who am I? Part of that is easy to answer. Woman, wife, mother. Daughter, Granddaughter, niece and cousin. Some are not so easy. Am I really me? Will I ever be able to be honestly me? Have I ever been really me? You spend so many years trying to figure yourself out, sometimes I’m not sure if I’m truly me or not.

I like to think of myself as multi faceted. And there’s facets that I’ve shown others over the years, and it’s part of me. It wasn’t always a good part of me, or the part that I want to go back to again, but it was me then. Sometimes part of my facets from the past come up, or manifest themselves some, but for the most part, I keep to my current facet.

But I’m always changing. I guess it’s from age and some sort of wisdom from life experiences. Although sometimes I wonder if I do actually learn something. Most of the time I just muddle through days and parts of my life that all run together, and when it’s quiet and late I wonder where the time has gone.

Sometimes I just stop and really look at myself. Not just the look in the mirror where you see if your hair is sticking up or you have food on your face. The one where you look, and stop, and see yourself like never before, and it stops you in your tracks. The one where you almost don’t recognize yourself. I did that recently, I caught my reflection in the computer monitor. And really almost didn’t recognize myself. In my mind’s eye I’m still that somewhat pudgy blonde haired blue eyed young girl I was growing up. But I’m not that anymore.

I see myself as my daughter’s age now.. eight. Not a care in the world, big dreams, a loving family. But I look in the mirror and that’s changed somewhat. I do have a lot of cares, I still have a loving family but not in the same respect, and yes, I still have big dreams.

I may be getting older and the dreams may be different, but I still have them. I have so much life left that I can do to accomplish these dreams and set many new ones. While I do have dreams for tomorrow, I still have to live for today as well. Otherwise life will pass me by and I’ll have nothing but regrets. And I don’t want that. I regret enough already.

I used to play the “what if” game with my past. I’ll admit, I still do have those thoughts from time to time. But it doesn’t eat at me any more. I can’t let it, and I can’t imagine the “what if” because it’s been so long since the past I’m wishing for was the present.

So what do I do now? I stay aware of the present, remember the past but try not to dwell on it, and look for the future with hopes and dreams. To quote from “The Shawshank Redemption”, “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”