a rabble-rouser

my small comfort list

I’m drifting away from my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment from two years ago. Time gives me the ability to reflect, although I can easily be thrown back into the well of despair that epitomized that dark time in my life.

Sometimes I get messages from other women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I wish I could tell them: do this one thing and you will feel better. Alas, I have no one thing and no easy solutions. Healing is highly individual and one size sadly does not fit all.

I tried many things to calm the f*ck down. This is a list of the things I attempted over the past two years to make myself feel better. If you are going through a dark time for whatever reason, you will make your own list. It won’t look like mine. I tried a lot of things on for size. Maybe one of these ideas will give a wee bit of comfort, even for a little while as you find your own way.

1. Walks Outside
I promised my daughter that I’d walk every day. At first I begrudgingly kept that promise, then I became obsessed with getting my steps, but now I’ve settled down and look forward to my daily walks. I actually allow myself to enjoy the combination of fresh air, nature, movement and time to myself.

2. Mental Health Therapy
I tried the public mental health system first, but I was only was assigned four appointments at the Cancer Agency. Then I had to find my own private therapist. Asking around for someone who understood cancer stuff helped. Anywhere that advertises cancer supportive care would fit that bill, like Callanish or Inspire Health in Vancouver, or Wellspring elsewhere in Canada. Do not be surprised like I was that our public system does not offer these services. Publicly funded oncology care is medical, not holistic.

3. Small Comforts
I started scratching around for small comforts, like stopping for a coffee before oncology appointments and going for cheap sushi and to the bookstore afterwards as a little gift to myself. This helped me endure rude receptionists and cold oncologists if I knew I was going to treat myself well afterwards even if others did not.

4. Cancer Retreat
This is about finding ‘peer support’ or what I call friendships with others going through the same thing. I wrote about my experience at a cancer retreat here. Many retreats have subsidies for registrations to help you access them and if you can manage to take some time away. It is an investment in you.

5. Meditation
I’m no meditation guru, but I went to a few classes run by the Calm Monkey and picked up some basic tips. I used meditation techniques when I was under the radiation machine, waiting for the doctor to come into the treatment room or being squished in a mammogram device. Breathing and counting helped me calm down, even a little bit. I think it gave me back some control. Here is a quick and fast versionthat I watch in the mornings to start my day.

6. Music
When I drove to oncology appointments, I played the Tragically Hip really really loud on the car stereo. Yeah, Gord Downie had cancer and there is something about his heartfelt pre-cancer lyrics that speak to me. Courage, my word, it didn’t come, it doesn’t matter Courage, it couldn’t come at a worse time. Find your own Gord Downie (or borrow him. He’s great).

7. Water
I was lucky enough to go snorkeling after my treatment. Sometimes when I can’t fall asleep at night, I think of that feeling of floating with the fishes. To re-enact that feeling, I tried out a few sessions at the Float House.

8. Love of Good People
I struggle to feel myself worthy of love. (Long story). So I purposely lean into hugs from people who love me unconditionally and not to push them away. This means embracing love from my husband and children, taking phone calls from my open-hearted, non-advice-giving friends who make space for the listening and I try to fully accept kind words from others. (This means I had to also get rid of the love of bad people who hurt me, which wasn’t exactly comforting but it was a necessary evil).

9. Podcasts
I listen to podcasts on my walks. Mostly the Good Life Projectand Everything Happens.There’s a podcast out there for you if you are like me and struggle with finishing an entire book.

10. Mindfulness
I like to watch this video. I also sometimes think: ‘stay in the moment, this is all you have,’ so I don’t zoom ahead with fret about the future.

11. Purposely Seeking Joy
Yeah, I’m one of those people who push away joy too. I have to purposely seek it out and pause to enjoy it (see #10). Joy mostly resides in the little moments, like my son’s laugh or the birds chirping in the tree, which are always there for me if I just pause to pay attention.

12. Writing
Obviously I wrote a lot in all my various states on this blog. I also took a poetry class. This was healing for me, especially if I found out that my words were helpful to other people. You don’t have to share or publish your writing for it to be useful to you.

13. Reading
I kept a list of books that helped me. The Emperor of all Maladies helped me understand the stupid cancer. Audre Lorde’s work about speaking up was very important to me. Like music, find writers who speak to you.

14. Quotes
If I didn’t have the energy to read a whole book, I’d glom onto quotes from podcasts or Instagram or Twitter, like those from dearly missed @ninariggs, @cultperfectmoms and @adamslisa.

15. Art
I’m no visual artist, but my friend Lelainia kindly spent the day with me teaching me how to collage my photos from my radiation therapy days. This was extremely healing for me. In lieu of actually creating art, looking at art helps too, which is why bookstores, art galleries and museums are some of my ‘calm the f*ck down’ places to go.

16. Distraction
I was mostly too upset to be distracted. The geographical cure helps if you can swing it – even short road trip or a 20 minute ferry ride to Bowen Island was comforting. My friends kindly distracted me for taking me out for nice meals or meeting me for a drink too. Accept kind distractions.

17. Mindless Entertainment
Related to distraction is mindless entertainment. Here’s where I actually take a bubble bath and read an US magazine and enjoy it. (Note that bubble baths are buried in about 50 other things I do and bubble baths are not the only solution as the self-care movement wants you to think). Movies, Netflix (Ali Wong!) and plays work this way too. I can only watch comedies now, go figure. It is important for me to laugh.

18. Medication
Yeah, I’ll be honest here. If I’m really freaking out, I’ll take a prescribed Ativan. There’s nothing wrong with asking your physician for medicinal help. I also shamelessly like a glass (or two) of a full-bodied red wine. Marijuana has never done it for me, but I know of others who use it and bonus, it is legal now in Canada!

19. Being OK with Feeling Shitty
In the end, sometimes life is just shitty. My therapist said: maybe it is okay to feel sad or upset or angry. I used to shove those hard emotions away. Now I can say: this is okay. It will pass. I won’t always feel this way.

The wise Kimmy Schmidt said: “Do you think you can handle this for 10 more seconds? I learned a long time ago that a person can stand just about anything for 10 seconds, then you just start on a new 10 seconds. All you have to do is take it 10 seconds at a time.”

Get through the first ten seconds and then the second…sometimes putting your head down and getting through one step at a time is all you can do. Sometimes you have to lie down and take a rest. Mostly, cut yourself some slack.

To the women who have approached me who are in their own dark time, I want to say this: accumulate your own small comforts. You are deserving of finding peace in your hearts, to temper the suffering life offers us, even for a few moments.

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5 thoughts on “my small comfort list”

I love this post so much and I hope it is okay if I share it. I linked it to facebook and will share specifically with some colleagues, clients and friends. We are in Hamburg now but heading home on Sunday. We should talk on the phone soon and catch up. Hope your Xmas was full of love, good food and your favourite traditions.

YES it would be an honour for me if you shared this. (See #12). There’s something special about knowing that my words are shared and may comfort others – that in itself is a comfort to me. Thank you dear Melissa. ps: YES let’s do that phone call sister!

I lost my parents to cancer within 2 months of each other. I started volunteering at the cancer clinic at my local hospital and I struggle with the coldness and lack of empathy I see from some of the staff and volunteers. I have considered quitting but at least once a shift I have a really meaningful interaction with a patient and I feel like I may have made their day a bit brighter. Your description of having to prepare yourself for your appointments made me realize how important my role is. Thanks for the clarity.

Hello Michelle – I struggle with the coldness and lack of empathy at our cancer clinic too. I can tell you that you DO make a difference. Us patients notice every single kindness in the hospital, from volunteers to receptionists to parking attendants. Yesterday I happened to have an appointment with a new oncologist who clearly was lacking in warmth (and seemed annoyed with me from the minute she walked in the room). I felt so crappy after I left. I walked over to get blood drawn at the cancer hospital. The young man who was the lab tech there was cheerful and smiling. He chatted casually with me, asking about my Christmas and my children. I almost burst into tears. He made an effort to connect with me, to see me as a human being. After he took my blood, I reached out to him, touched his arm and said: ‘thank you for being so kind to me. You made me smile. I have had a hard day.’ Us patients don’t always have the wherewithal to say thank you, so here’s my thank you to you. I bet you’ve touched more patients that you even know…xo.