though i cannot say that the boys and i were much of a help to my gardening guru father-in-law, yesterday’s vegetable/herb planting event was a roaring success, complete with a picnic lunch. this outdoor challenge pledge is fun!

they are very comfortable with outdoor toys: our beanbag game, sidewalk chalk, the tricycle, various balls, and a golf club. i’m thrilled with this. but i hope to also guide them into the spaces where the main events are things like dandelions, earthworms, and dirt.

today, the boys and i will be spending some time with my father-in-law, who grows enough beautiful vegetables every year for a wide circle of family and friends. this year, he’s designating a little plot for our family, and we’ll make the trek to the burbs a couple of times a week to dig around and learn how this gardening thing works. it’s not that i haven’t grown my own tomatoes, peppers, strawberries and herbs. i have taken great delight in planting all of these things. it’s just that the only thing that i ever end up eating is basil. if there are any squirrels, slugs, or racoons reading this post, let me just take this opportunity to say, YOU’RE WELCOME.

do not worry. this is not another letter expressing disappointment in your ethics pertaining to the world of finances. your time in the big house actually scored you many points in my book, not because i’m a fan of insider trading, but because it was refreshing to see that you are not perfect. i appreciate your post-incarceration humility and humor.

you and i share a love for cooking crafting, wellness, and gardening (though you are on your own in the home-cleaning arena) so i subscribe to your magazine for inspiration. i am writing to discuss the calendar that appears at the beginning of every issue and is a prominent feature on your website. it is my understanding that your readers are to use your plans for the month to tailor our own, equally lofty ideations. the problem is, on “private yoga lesson” day, i walked out the door to meet my private yoga teacher and suddenly realized that i don’t have one of those. i had similar experiences on “prune espaliered apple trees” day, “get horses vaccinated” day, and “insert supports in peony garden” day.

sure, you might say that i could still rotate and flip my mattresses, bake your mother’s babka, host an egg hunt for family and friends, and remove my storm windows but doesn’t this all seem a bit ambitious for the month of april?

i’m actually not suggesting that you change the content of this calendar feature or anything else about your magazine and related endeavors. i truly think that you make this world a more creative place. the problem is that, in the process, your gusto and success make the rest of us feel like schmucks.

in my opinion, this problem could be easily solved with a simple name change on your part. instead of calling your magazine and related endeavors “martha stewart,” which insinuates that all this cooking, crafting, wellness, gardening, and home-making craziness can be done well by one person, why don’t you change the name on everything to “martha stewart and her bazillion employees, assistants, and trainers.” that way, we could all be reminded from the outset that you, as we have come to know you, are not A PERSON but AN ENTERPRISE.

best wishes to you and your entourage as you fill your birdbaths, host galas in the barn, and switch from flannel to percale sheets next month.