Slavishly serving up nuggets of ridiculous bullshit, spewn forth from my horrendously polite and correct porcelain god from beyond the grave of the stars - Commodeus. Then, some cookies and punch. The blood and teeth flavored kind.If it isn't PAINFULLY obvious to you, Shit my Toilet Says deals with Parody, Dark/Sick Humor, and general Weird-Ass subject material. If you want to get all butthurt about it - please kindly GO FUCK YOURSELF. Consider this your TRIGGER WARNING.

BTNotice

Friday, August 2, 2013

A Russian, on how superior Russia is to the U.S.

Too much Vodka will damage your brain, and lead you to believe that your backwards culture and your corrupt politician's actions should be blamed on gay people.

So, we sojourn:

Ruskie Dynamite: My 'shitty country' is the biggest and richest in the whole world

BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! You potato queuing, vodka swilling, gimme a fucking handout Ivans couldn't hold a country together to save your lives.

Your last pathetic attempt lasted 74 years, 1 month, and 23 days - and ended in disastrous failure. You 2nd banana tundra niggers couldn't even pick up the pieces afterward - how can a mostly agrarian nation NOT know how to work a fucking tractor? The U.S. is STILL a superpower - what the fuck are you? 2nd world tyranny-addicted welfare monkeys - that's what.

If you have all that sweet moolah, then how come the vast majority of your country is STILL undeveloped? How come your food production pales in comparison to what it used to be under the Czar? It's ALL going to buy your flabby-titted "leader" Putin a new fucking liver every 23 microseconds, because he moonlights as a goddamn charcoal filter at a Vodka distillery. YOU get the scraps - of course after your insanely corrupt politicians take their slice of the maggot cheese.

Makes up for Bob Kraft's Superbowl ring.

...and it all stems from your exponentially-increasingly retarded ideas like:

"Hey, maybe we should kill the Czar and create a communist government! Marx was fucking dead on!"

"Maybe we SHOULDN'T kill Stalin, and see how a malicious, violent numpty Georgian pans out!"

"This Julian calendar shit is teh BOMB! The pre-16th century is the BESTEST ERA!Let's have our revolution in October, and when we tell the world about it, they will look at us like we are retarded, because the goddamn thing happened in November!"

"FUCK progress! REGRESS!"

"Let's fall hopelessly in love with every tyrant that wants to put us through the grinder - because freedom and thinking for ourselves IS HARD!"

"Let's keep poking the United States in the chest, so when this shitty incarnation of Russian "government" falls apart (U.S.S.R.), they won't give us a Marshall Plan!"

"Hey, you know those Bolsheviks that had their shit together, and helped us win the Revolution? How about we let Stalin fucking purge them!"

"Let's CRUCIFY Navalny for exposing how our dear tyrants are fucking us with Vodka soaked telephone poles! Oh, how we love our leaders!"

In order for Russia to succeed, it needs to murder it's own by the millions, restrict people so much that breathing could become a crime tomorrow, and SPY ON EVERYONE. That's what happens when you think tyrants are a good idea. Oh, you'll try to bring up the NSA, but that is a recent occurrence in our nation that is being fucking addressed - by people who love FREEDOM, not jackboots. Guess what? WE'RE WINNING. If the NSA's setup was in Russia, you'd praise the government for looking into your assholes with an observatory-strength telescope. Quiver in fucking FEAR over your precious leaders, and thank them for RAPING you. FUCKING. SLAVES!

Not to mention when Glasnost and Perestroika came around, and you had a more success-compatible economy and an end to hardcore government propaganda, you Ruskies lost your shit and the fucking place fell apart. Because you can't handle freedom, you can't handle a leader that walks softly, but carries a big stick. No, your leaders have to lie through their alcohol damaged teeth and step on your fucking necks for you to be able to sleep at night. MOST. ASS. BACKWARD. PEOPLE. EVER!

Stats, bitch:

United States of GODDAMN KICK ASS, RAPE YOUR FACE WITH AN EAGLE AMERICA - 237 years and going.

Russia - can't make it a fucking century unless the rest of the world is without electricity too.

Ruskie Dynamite: world's strongest Military to protect itself from anyone

The Germans whipped your ass until that idiot Hitler decided that GODDAMN WINTER was the best time to fuck your faces off. It's been said MANY times by allied forces fighting alongside you permadrunk Marxist ass clowns that Russian soldiers were only good for one thing; MORTAR - and not the exploding kind either. That's how come so many of you died, because you couldn't fight for shit. America worked it's way through North Africa, through France, and even stopped by Italy to give Mussolini and his whore the Big Black Dirt Nap™.

If you were so badass, then how come when Kennedy poked Khrushchev in the eye over Cuba, that he cried like a little bitch, and you pussy ass Ivan flagpole-sitters DIDN'T PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER? You're fucking scared shitless over BOTHChina and the U.S., but decided that since China was on your back patio, that it was best to form an alliance?!

Do you remember the movie Dr. Strangelove? It was DMITRI who was crying on the fucking phone, NOT OUR PRESIDENT. What are you waiting for? UNLEASH TESLA'S DEATH RAY! We got a laser 3 times hotter than the surface of the sun, mounted on C-130's pussy. DEATH. FROM. ABOVE. Save the Vodka and the toothless women! They give GUUUUUUD HEAD!

You've had what, 900 years to kick the rest of the world's ass? Then why is it not kicked yet? READ THE ABOVE AGAIN, Ruskie. You've had 900 years to innovate, yet you spent most of recent history playing catch up to a country that is only 237 years old. Where are your innovations, O' great scientific nation? VODKA. That's where. The U.S. was built from wilderness to superpower in a little over two centuries; you've just been licking tyrant boot and getting drunk like a depressed, haggard, suicidal whore.

You want to talk about rugged men?Your courage comes from a fucking bottle. You wander an empty land, praying for shit to happen. WE MADE SHIT HAPPEN. See what happens when you rely too much on a sky fairy, communism, and government handouts?

The U.S.? Churning out invention after invention - if it weren't for us, you'd still be burning whale oil, dying of easily curable diseases, and communicating via. donkey and carrier pigeon.BAH!

Ruskie Dynamite: it produces everything it needs, from foods and drinks to jets and spacecrafts; and my 'shitty country' is strong, sovereign and absolutely self-sufficient.

Except for oil, cheap consumer goods, common sense, freedom loving men with balls so big they have to be carried in a wheel barrow, attractive women (and men), moderation, a spine, drinking water, rights, equality, FREEDOM, a government free from both tyrants and the church, babies, and a truly strong leader that LOVES his people, instead of treating them like dogshit.

Ruskie Dynamite: Yours? Prints paper dollars?

Leader of the world, innovation, tough as nails leaders (to a detriment sometimes), freedom, entertainment, hand jobs from sexy people, kick ass drugs, progress, a massive history in a short time, and general bad-assery - all while wearing a fucking bow tie and making loot (sometimes to a detriment again).

Ruskie Dynamite: We'll see who's right in less than 50 years.

Conservative movements like your's have NEVER been on the right side of history; conservatives have always fought against science, social equality, women's rights, freedom, justice, and have always supported whacked out bigoted traditions, backwards culture, book burnings, hatred for the sake of hatred, and bred ugly, UGLY people.

Conservatives didn't free the slaves, conservatives endorsed propaganda, conservatives have always had shit economic policy and took great pleasure in spitting on those who weren't with them. Sounds like the ENTIRE history of Russia. Sit on your backward R's and N's son - the grown ups are working here. Take your hate back home.

Possible Shit To Go On About

DIYConspiracy - Free IlluminatiMason Bergerbuilder Lizard people stole my butt donut, and are using it to control the stock prices of Krispy Creme! FOR GREAT FALSE FLAG, INSIDE JOB TERROR!

Strictly 'Mershal - Advertise! Your FAKE products and services here! GOD HELP YOU if they are real!

Inferiority Complex - Why your superiors are suppressing your ultimate star dick from the women/men folk, and why you are superior to them.

Stalk U - Dating advice from the creepy.

Morality Mountain - God's God-fearing chosen few, destined to rule over all you sinful filthy peons. The TRULY moral live atop mountains - not ivory towers. Because ivory is the color of semen, and towers are phallic - which inspires sodomy.