Cast of Characters

I am a writer who just happens to love family trees. As the self proclaimed Family Historian and Writer in Residence at my house, I blog to others about family history writing. When I first began this journey, everyone was bored silly with my "family tree stuff." Once I started writing the stories down, everyone willingly joined in. Now the whole family pretty much participates! Imagine that ! Follow along, and you can gain a little family appreciation for all your hard nosed genealogical research while learning a little something about the craft of writing too.

Duck and Cover !

The other day on Facebook, I found myself in the middle of a simmering fight that seemed to be headed toward a full-out embroilment. It involved my sister, an aunt, her dead father, and his long-dead immigrant parents – the “Urbanskis.” I clicked “exit” and went grocery shopping.

Days later when queried about my sudden disappearance from the on-screen skirmish, I feigned a “virus” that shut down my computer. Thank goodness for cyber illnesses!

I don’t know if it is a common thing to have so many mule headed people in one family, or if we are just gatekeepers of the stubbornness gene. But over the years, one writer’s trick in my bag has saved me many times over ~ “As Told By” pages.

It’s my theory that our memories are odd fuzzy filters steeped with emotions and previous experiences. Our individual point of view is dependent on the “back story” written within our own heads. This is shaded heavily by how our own experience in similar or imagined situations has panned out within roughly equal settings and/or participants. Sometimes, it’s as simple as an unquestioning acceptance like~ “That’s what Dad said. It is true and reliable.”

Some of the touchy subjects I run into as a researcher can easily cause an old wound to open or a fresh feud to start. Rather than take an obvious side (the factual one) I try to draw a neutral line in the sand. Using the “As Told By” heading honors the vantage point and belief of all who care to chime in, but still keeps the pot at a simmer instead of boiling over.

I do have to be clear here~ I believe that ALL sides are the truth. I know that sounds nuts. But I believe everyone because everyone’s individual story is factual in that it IS a part of how SOME of the family members believe that it happened. Yep, we are the keepers of the crazy gene too.

Let me put it another way

These stories are all true in the sense that they are and were believable. They are factual from each “Teller’s” point of view. I report them as told by so that one version isn’t lost to the shadows by the others. It’s easy to let others draw their own conclusions. I also think this lack of “side by side comparison” is how family secrets get blown out of proportion, or lost forever. I guess I can understand a little bending of the facts. While searching out Uncle Tony’s tenure in the French Foreign Legion…I found he actually spent those 6 years in Sing Sing for embezzlement…whoops! So, rather graciously I allowed Aunt Bertie her “As Told By” and I had mine when she no-longer needed to hold on to a “variation of the records.”

My own beloved Gramcracker spoke of cousin Barabara’s nuptials as a “Shot Gun Wedding.” Gram raged on about this for several years until time took her memory and she forgot to be mad at Barb anymore. It was always her insistance that “No One Has Ever Shamed This Family~ Ever ~ until Barb!” that she took to the grave with her. It seemed really important to her that she had descended from an unbroken chain of poor but purely chaste women.

I elected to sew my own lips tight, and to seal up the file on Gramcracker’s own Grandmother who had miraculously birthed an 8# baby only five weeks after she and Grandfather married upon their arrival here in the US.

And Barb? Of course she had a dog in this fight too. In her “As Told By” she tells the story of her wedding in a very different light. She did wear white (because she didn’t want to upset Gramcracker …epic failure there) and went down the isle looking a bit more voluptuous than her tiny frame usually was. But she also told the story of young love and a beau who was about to “ship out” during the Vietnam War years.

As for the Facebook fight? Well, that was a new one on me. I’ll have to look into it. In the meantime

What a great way to think about the stories. I once visited a “new” relative (new to me), someone quite ancient who had clear and detailed memories about my family. I wrote it all up, sent it to a few cousins, and then one cousin sent it along to her father. I don’t think he’s ever quite forgiven me. Turns out, this “new” relative was viewed as part of the rich, snobby part of the family, a branch that looked down upon my more immediate relatives. At least, that’s the way my uncle (and I few others I’ve met since then) viewed the branch. My uncle found the man’s recollections hurtful and downright wrong.

Since then I have had plenty of time to review both my blunder and “the facts.” You are right, each of the stories is a true story. I just wish I had given more thought to how I presented that one.

Hi! i took your suggestion and stopped by! i love this post! I think that I am going to consider doing this – everyone in the family has their side of the story and somewhere there is truth (facts). You are correct, though – everyone has their own version of reality and none of it is wrong. Thanks for sharing.

I recently transcribed my grandmother’s memories of interesting moments in her life, and when my father read them, he thought they were all wrong. I guess my best bet is to give him a shot at telling those stories, too! Thanks for this cool piece!

Judy Thanks! I am so far behind in all that I want to do right now, I feel more like a schlep than a Liebster! Congrats to you for winning one too. I’m still working on some great info posts to help us all out with preservation and conservation…haven’t forgotten about your awesome stash 🙂
Kassie

I think of it this way. Our minds are like giant sponges and every incident in our lives makes up that sponge. “New” memories get filtered through the sponge that already exists before becoming part of that sponge, to help “flavor” the next event.I have vivid memories of events I shared with my cousin and best friend but she doesn’t recall many of them. She, on the other hand, remembers times we did something that I have no memory of.Even our dreams and daydreams can become part of that sponge and we really believe we did it, when, factually, we didn’t. It was a best friend or another family member.
I like the “As told by” idea very much, but fortunately, since I have all the letters and they are quoted verbatim, I don’t run into the need, but I love getting your posts.

Too true how others view the families history through their own filters. I was much younger than my cousin, Bev, and adored my grandmother. She saw her as a hard-nosed matriarch. It wasn’t until I began blogging some of my memories that I realized how harsh a woman Mary really was.
I still love her, but I can see Bev’s point of view much clearer.
Great idea – “As told by” – I’ll keep that in mind!

I know it sounds odd, but seeing those differences was almost like “growing up” for me. Suddenly, these towers of perfection became people. Once I began to see my Grandmother as a person, not as the sort of character that I knew as Gramcracker, I could see through adult eyes. Very different…makes for my own “As Told By” sometimes 🙂

isn’t that the truth! Still, I remember the feelings – how much I loved my grandmother so unconditionally – even though I now know her to be a stern matriarch. I’m loving the genealogy on her side. Found an incredible site just today – someone has put together a wonderful website on the Blairs. Can’t wait to dig in (and yes, they are the right Blairs!)

I also believe that all stories are true. It’s amazing how may different perspectives there sometimes are about a particular event–but I generally can understand why each person believes whatever they believe.

I kinda wonder what people around Grandma Helene would say about the notes and oppinions in her diary? Wouldn’t that be cool to see a full set of diary entries for a birthday party. The writings of the birthday girl, and then the viewpoint of all who attended. How they chose a gift, how they thought that she liked it (or didn’t) and what they thought of those around them. I wonder if anyone would be mooning over another guest more than the icecream about to be served?
Ahh to be a fly on the wall 🙂

Great advice. Everyone has a viewpoint and eventually, even different viewpoints will have common parts to the story. That would be the agreed upon reality like Barb got married in a rush. I remember having a medical emergency as a teenager and just listening to my parents talking to the doctors was shocking. Complete fabrications that had no basis in fact. I think they were really my parents fears of dealing with the knowledge that I MIGHT be sexually active. My situation had nothing to do with being sexually active. Besides, people will generally talk if you don’t question the validity of what they have to say which is really important when trying to get family history.

So true! although I haven’t had quite those reactions from my relations over family history. Politics and religion on the other hand…I am quickly learning not to fall for that trap on Facebook and not rise to the bait. 🙂

Great suggestion. I’ve struggle for years with a story one cousin is particularly invested in. She is still sharp as a tack and has been invaluable to my research. But my first attempt to share the ‘real’ story was like watching a computer freeze up and reboot. After which she went on as though I’d never said a word. I love this lady and have regretted that moment since. Writing down her version in an “As Told By” would certainly honor the memories as she related them, regardless of what the evidence ultimately proved.