The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998

February 21, 2000

I wonder whose idea Paolo was. Which one of AMC's brilliant writers
came up with this cartoon character. I keep wondering if I've ever seen
anything as ridiculous. I'm sure I have, but at the moment I can't seem
to remember. For those of you who don't know, Leo was hired/blackmailed
by Adam to seduce Marian and have Stuart walk in and find them, thus ending
their marriage. Why? Because Adam is a hell of a swell guy. Leo, who wasn't
up to the task of sleeping with someone as old as his mother, decided to
hire his old smarmy buddy, Paolo. This guy is the cheesiest caricature of
an Italian playboy that I have ever seen. You know, it's yet another little
bit of AMC that is a total insult to anyone with an ounce of intelligence.
First of all, Marian meets him in the Valley Inn bar and he knows her. He
is looking for a house and knows she's a realtor. She doesn't ask how he
knew that. And if that isn't bad enough, so some reason she takes him to
WRCW and they look through home catalogs there. And as if that weren't bad
enough, he tells her they have a deal and asks her to come to his hotel
room at what seems like some late hour of the evening to get a check to
pay her. In the real world, this wouldn't happen. The customer does not
directly make out a check to their realtor. Mr. Diva was in this business
for awhile and it never happened that way. And as I sat and watched Marian
agree to go to this insult to Italians room I thought to myself, of course
she won't wait in the lobby for him to bring down a check, she'll just go
to his room. The only good thing about this whole idiotic mess is that it
won't last long. The truth of what really happens will be found out by next
week. I hope it's found out that Adam was behind it too. I'm really getting
sick him getting away with everything. And, all that said, I'm going to
give Paolo this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK
award, mainly because he plays this character without laughing his ass off.
That must take a lot of restraint.

Ryan is now yet another person to know that Jake is not Colby's father.
Adam directed him to the safe room to listen in as he and Liza talked about
it. Now, Adam thinks that with this newfound information, Ryan will be able
to stop Jake and Gillian's wedding. Ryan is truly disgusted with Adam and
finally someone tells him that what he did was not an act of love. I'm glad
someone finally said it!! Adam tells Ryan that he let him find out as payback
for all he did for Hayley. Ryan calls him on that too, telling Adam that
he's sick to use Ryan's friendship with his daughter. Ryan knows that Adam
only does things that will help himself. Ryan seems to be the only one with
any brains these days. Maybe he should give Liza a briefing on how not to
believe anything Adam says.

In the meantime, Liza has told Jake that he cannot have Colby for
the wedding. Jake wants to know why Liza can't find it in her heart to let
Colby be with him on the most important day of his life. You know what Jake,
bite me! He's gone out of his way to tell Liza that she will never get Colby
without permission, after she's always been accommodating to him. He's stabbed
her in the back, and when she fights back, he gets indignant. I'll say it
again... bite me Jake!

Dixie decides that she will try to appeal to Liza and Adam, and heads
over to the Chandler Mansion to discuss it with them. She talks to Adam
first, who is not going to budge on this, until Liza walks in and suddenly
he changes his mind and talks Liza into letting Jake have Colby for the
wedding. Why? Because he's pretty sure of himself and thinks there won't
be a wedding since Ryan knows that Jake is not the father.

Let's stop for a minute and discuss time in Pine Valley. The whole
week was almost this one day. It's the night before the wedding... which
means it's February 13. Eugenia has made Jake leave Gillian's room at midnight.
As he is leaving, Ryan calls on the phone and wants to talk to her, but
Eugenia won't let him. And all later than that, on the same night these
other things happen... Scott and Becca get locked in the mall; Jake, Tad
and Dixie are at the Valley Inn having a drink when Dixie decides to go
over to Adam's and talk to them about Colby going to the wedding; Ryan sneaks
into Gillian's room; Edmund and Alex recreate the scene at the mall when
Alex turned into Wonder Woman; Dixie comes back to the Valley Inn, victorious;
Tad, Dixie, and Jake head back to the Martin's, they toast the family then
Tad, Jake and Joe head out for Jake's bachelor party; Jake, Tad and Joe
celebrate at BJ's; Hayley and Mateo are at BJ's when Ryan arrives after
being kicked out of Gillian's room; Ed goes back to the Hunting Lodge to
talk to Alex. I guess nobody got to sleep that night. Details people!!!
Pay attention! Sheesh, and just last week I said that AMC is starting to
pay better attention to the little things. I guess I take that back.

So, let's back up to Ryan sneaking into Gillian's bedroom. It's probably
about 1 am by now. When he called it was around midnight and we had to give
him time to get there, climb up the trellis and sneak into her room. Gillian
is shocked to see Ryan there and even more shocked when he tells her knows
that Jake is not Colby's father. He tells her that Jake needs to know and
that she's making a mistake by a) not telling him and 2) marrying him so
he could get custody. Gillian tries to explain that Jake cannot know, and
tells him that he is not going to be the one to tell him either. Ryan is
really making the most sense, again, out of anyone and tells Gillian that
when Jake does find out, she will lose everything. He urges her to tell
him the truth and not start out their marriage in a lie. Gillian is confused
and keeps hearing Tramplee telling her that Ryan said he loved her then
ditched her the next morning. She tells Ryan that she has made up her mind
and she is marrying Jake and she is not going to tell him. This is where
this confrontation turns into our SCENE OF THE WEEK.
Ryan declares his love for Gillian, he tells her that he's never stopped
loving her, that he couldn't handle it before but he can now. And when he
said the words, "It's always been you," well you all probably
heard me sigh all over the world. But Gillian isn't budging and yells at
him to leave her alone. Honestly I really don't blame her. She shouldn't
just fall into Ryan's arms no matter how much I would like to see just that
happen.

At the same time, about 1 am, over at the Martin's, they are all gathered
around and toasting to the family. I guess that would be nice, but they've
really become this annoying group of pompous people who think that being
a "Martin" is the be all and end all of the universe. Get over
yourselves! Ruth pulls Jake aside and tells him that he's worried that he
is rushing into things and she's not totally convinced that Ryan is out
of the picture. Jake assures her that he is very happy and so is Gillian.
Just then, Tad and Joe grab Jake by the arms and take him out to have a
bachelor party while Dixie and Ruth get things set up for the wedding.

Also about this time, Scott and Becca get locked into the mall. They
think they are there overnight so they decide to make the best of it. Scott
conveniently finds a boom box that someone left behind and he plays some
soft music while he and Becca dance. Of course, a security guard happens
upon them, and because he's such a swell guy and doesn't think they are
in there to rob the place, he let's them finish their dance before he lets
them out of the mall. Yeah right.

Now, it's around 2 am, and Eugenia heads down to the Hunting Lodge
to find Edmund. Of course he's there, where else would he be at 2 am? He's
with Alex trying to get her to wrestle with him under the pretense of recreating
the mall incident. Eugenia tells him that she is hearing voices coming from
Gillian's room and since she sent Jake away hours ago (remember that it
was midnight when she did that?) that it's Ryan who is trying to confuse
Gillian on the eve of her wedding. Edmund and Eugenia arrive at Gillian's
room and Gillian rushes to Ed, telling him to get Ryan out of here. Ed ushers
Ryan out while Eugenia comforts Gilly. After he sees Ryan out, Ed comes
back to Gilly's room and tells her that no matter what she decides to do,
he will support her and love her. It was sweet.

Now it's got to be around 3 am, and we are at BJ's. Janet, Brooke,
Hayley and Mateo had all gone to see a movie ("The Talented Mr. Ripley"
I think) and are discussing it. Janet is a little on edge, and gets to be
even more so when Tiffany comes in with some dopey girls who very loudly
discuss Janet from Another Planet and her killer husband. Janet goes over
to their table and calls them on the stupid comments they are making behind
her back and tells them to say it to her face. They of course back down.
This was probably the most sane thing Janet has done for awhile, but of
course, Brooke, Hayley and Mateo all think it's nuts that she did that.
Yeah, standing up for yourself and your family is really nuts. Calling idiots
on their behavior is really nuts. These people can't seem to distinguish
crazy behavior from sane behavior. I guess we can just assume that anything
Janet does from now on will be considered crazy behavior. After this incident,
Janet and Brooke leave BJ's and head home. Just how long is Brooke going
to live with Janet anyway?

At home, Brooke had some mail delivered to Janet's house from her
office. Janet spots something that looks like Trevor's writing. I don't
know how she could tell since it was printed and looked like a 6 year old
wrote it. Janet rips open the letter and reads one line about how he can't
wait to touch her and smell her neck again. That Trev, what a way with words.
Janet jumps to the wrong conclusion, thinking the letter was meant from
Brooke and accuses her of having an affair with Trevor. Brooke tells her
to read more of the letter and when she does, it's very obvious that the
letter was meant for her, not Brooke. Janet apologizes for freaking out,
Brooke accepts and goes to bed. Mirror Janet has a little pep talk with
Janet and tries to convince her that Brooke is after her family.

Let's see... is it about 4 am now? Ryan arrives at BJ's and in a totally
un-Mateo like move, he tells Hayley that it looks like Ryan could use a
friend and she should go talk to him while he goes and joins the bachelor
party. Wow, he's just evolved from ape to caveman. Hayley talks to Ryan
and tells him that Jake and Gillian love each other and he's just going
to have to learn to live with it. Ryan isn't buying it. Just then, Jake
comes over and tells Ryan that he will take care of Gillian from now on.
Why Ryan didn't punch out his smug mug I'll never know. But since he didn't,
I will... .Jake gets this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED
award.

And this concludes the night before the wedding!

It is now the morning of the wedding and we are at the Martin's. Hell
it's probably about 5 am since I'm sure no one got to sleep that night.
We have Tad, Dixie, Ruth, Joe, Adrian, Jake and for some weird unknown reason,
Rae, all fussing and fixing up, getting ready for the wedding. Ruth is wondering
just where Myrtle is since she was supposed to come and help out.

Well, it turns out that Myrtle hopped the first plane from Pine Valley
to Elsa, IL that she could get on so she could go dig up the records on
The Fannie Battle Home for Unwed Mothers. I bet that was a prestigious place
to go when your knocked up. Myrt talks to the woman at the hall of records
who really has no problem with Myrt looking at any records she wants to.
Myrtle finds a file on herself and puts it in her purse. And in the meantime,
at the Martin's, Brooke arrives and tells Rae that Fannie Battle ran a home
for unwed mothers. Rae decides she needs to find out more about this place,
and needs to find out NOW. So, she leaves and hops a plane from Pine Valley
to Elsa, IL. She walks into the records room and, ta da! Finds Myrtle there.
What a coinky dink. Myrtle tells her she went there to try and help her,
and that she wanted to find her own records before Rae could.

Jake and Dixie show up at WRCW to pick up Colby for the wedding. Adam
is shocked when he sees them, thinking that Ryan would have stopped the
wedding. He flashes Ryan a look and very very reluctantly lets Jake take
Colby from him. After Jake leaves, Adam confronts him about stopping the
wedding. In yet another very smart move by Ryan, he tells Adam that he is
not going to be the one to do his dirty work. Go Ryan!! After Ryan walks
off, Liza asks Adam what is going on. He tells her that Ryan still loves
Gillian and then gives a potential line of the week when, while referring
to Gillian marrying Jake he says, "Why would Gillian want to marry
that pasty faced dullard?" No kidding huh Adam?

So now we have Gillian getting ready for the wedding and the Martin's
getting ready for the wedding. At Wildwind, Alex tells Gillian she will
support her no matter what she decides to do... even if she's having second
thoughts about marrying Jake. And at the Martin's, Kelsey phones Jake to
congratulate him. Nice touch. Tramplee arrives at Wildwind to take photos
of Gillian's wedding dress and while she's at it, continues to poison her
mind against Ryan.

Next thing I know, the wedding has begun and Gillian is coming down
the steps of the Martin home. She looks absolutely stunning, as usual. The
dress is not the prettiest wedding dress I have ever seen and has one of
those chest shelf thingies (like Alex's dress had at the Crystal Ball, know
what I mean?) but Gillian can make a paper sack look good. As the vows get
underway, Ryan bursts into the room. He says nothing, he and Gillian just
stare at each other. She then turns to Jake and completes her vows. They
are married. Ryan walks out and Tad follows him. Tad demands that Ryan apologize
to his family and Ryan tells him that maybe he should take it up with Adam
and leaves. Oh, Tad's curiosity is peaked. He walks back in just in time
to see Jake and Gillian making out after the Rev gave the standard "You
may now kiss the bride." Hey Jake, let her up for air huh?

As the party starts, Brooke is talking to Adrian and gives us this
weeks LINE OF THE WEEK. She starts out by telling
him, "You have witnessed a time-honored Pine Valley tradition."
Adrian asks, "Oh? What's that?" And Brooke replies with the LINE, "Wedding interruptus." How true!

So, while Gillian dreams of Ryan as she and Jake are about to start
their honeymoon, Tad decides it's time to confront Adam... again. As soon
as Tad starts, Adam gets that victorious look on his face and thinks that
Ryan had spilled. But alas, he has not, as Adam soon learns. But he and
Tad have a rather entertaining showdown and Adam starts to answer all of
the questions Tad throws at him. Unfortunately, Liza enters and puts a stop
to it before Tad can find out what is going on. Tad leaves and Liza is pissed!
She shows brief backbone when she tells Adam she is sick of his schemes
and lies. Adam tells her that Jake needs to know the truth, but Liza isn't
budging and tells him that she will never forgive him if Tad finds out.
Of course, Tad is listening to all this.

Back in Elsa, Rae and Myrt find out that the doctor who delivered
her baby was involved with the Fannie Battle home. The doc himself has since
died, but his wife is still alive, so they head over to Elwinna Pendergast's
home to talk to her. Elwinna is a crusty old dame who really doesn't want
to give them any information. Although she does tell them that Doc did take
money for the babies that those little sluts who went to the Home had. Oh
yes, Elwinna was a piece of work all right. Nice gal. She kicked them out
after the asked if he kept records of the babies he sold, but Elwinna's
maid told them that he did keep records in a bible. The bible was in a desk
that was auctioned off. Will that ever be found? Maybe...maybe not.

Meaningless Drivel of the Week... David
gets ticked when Erica doesn't want his help in finding the missing Myrtle.
These arguments are getting so old. Oh and a little more Drivel...
Alex overhears David telling the Valley Inn bartender that she's a nutcase
so she grabs him by the neck and threatens his life. Oh yeah, she's stable.

This week's AMC gets a C- I'm actually seeing some improvement. I
can't wait to see Jake get told the truth, but for a whole different reason
than before. Before I wanted to see it so I could feel sorry for him. Now,
I don't feel sorry for him at all and can't wait to see him brought down
to size! I like this Rae/Myrt thing. Now, you probably all know how sick
I am of the "long lost" stories, but this time, it's really nice
to see Myrt getting some family of her own, if Rae does turn out to be her
daughter, which I think she will. I've been loving the Ryan/Gillian stuff,
and I hope to see her go to Ryan when Jake rejects her after he finds out
about Colby and realizes she knew.