Hello Americans of all races, religions and sexual preferences! I am Kathleen Sebelius the secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. And yes, I am a human woman.

No. I am not a Romulan woman who’s had her ears scaled back. I am a fully functioning human though many have mistaken me for a Romulan. Silly isn’t it? I mean I’m not even closely related to Vulcans like the Romulans are. Look, I am not an animal, I am a human being! So knock it off!

Anyway. What did I want to talk about?

Oh yes.

As you know the so-called holiday of Thanksgiving is fast approaching. But what you may not know is that Thanksgiving was promulgated by the white man after massacring native Americans of color. And yes I realize that the noble race of native Americans were here on this continent before the country of America the slave holders came into existence so calling them “Americans” is an insult but “native American” is easier to type on my English language keyboard than finding a software program that’ll type in a dialect of the indigenous peoples of this continent.

Oh I’m sure there are software programs that do just that but here at the Department of Health and Human Services I am too busy trying to undo the damage caused by triumphalist American culture to go online and search for it.

Because we at the Department of Health and Humans Services are all about two things: protecting the health of all Americans and screwing the Catholic Church.

Did I say we were about two thing? I’m sorry. Three things: protecting the health of all Americans, undoing the damage caused by meat-based culture and screwing the Catholic Church.

Did you know the Catholic Church is run by white men? And that can’t be good.

Anyway I’m sure you are probably looking forward to a traditional Thanksgiving with lots of turkey followed by a few games of American football. (And isn’t typical of arrogant Americans? Stealing the name of football from non-racist, socialist Europeans and applying it to a game that has nothing to do with feet. God. Americans make me sick.)

Oh yes. I’m sure you are looking forward to that meal. Sounds like fun doesn’t it? Maybe to the dull-witted it does.

Lift up your minds Americans!

Meat is murder! And your so-called game of football is violent, misogynistic and encourages testosterone-laden behavior. Typical testosterone-laden behavior I’d expect from the soon to be crushed Catholic Church.

And so, under the authority granted to me by the Affordable Care Act I am banning the consumption of meat, meat by-products and any sandwiches sold at Blimpies which may or may not be meat or meat by-products. (We’re still testing them at HHS to find out exactly what they are.)

I am also banning the so-called game of football. (Did a Catholic invent this game? I wouldn’t be surprised.)

I am also changing the name of this holiday. Thanksgiving? What have you to be thankful for? Thousands of years of northern European aggression, patriarchy and poor dietary choices?

No. The new name will be “Redistribution Day.“ It is my hope that by calling it “Redistribution Day” we will remember that there are fat cat bankers and capitalists in our midst who aren’t paying their fair share. Just like the Catholic Church.

And instead of meat why not eat something the government wants you to eat such as carrots or Brussels sprout?

And instead of so-called football why not watch the WNBA? Women’s basketball. Truly a sport uninfluenced by testosterone. What better way to lift up your minds than by watching seven-foot tall lesbians of color?

And so in closing I’d like to wish all my fellow Americans a very happy and joyous Redistribution Day.

Because we at the Department of Health and Human Services are all about two, no three, no four things: protecting the health of all Americans, undoing the damage caused by meat-based culture, social engineering and screwing the Catholic Church.

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