The Calendar of Postiness

My First Weeks of School: Scars and Batmobiles

September 4, 2007 — The Luigiian

It’s difficult to post to a website like The Luigiian at times, especially when you’re going through school. Getting all those images to link and writing out something coherent is a difficult task when you’re being asked to find meaning in a movie showing a naked woman fondling herself.

I know that this sounds odd, but it’s true. The movie is entitled “Birthday Suit: Scars and Defects” or something, and they make us watch it in “Experiencing the Arts”, one of the wonderful courses you can get in the University of New Mexico. Basically, some scrawny Canadian woman from 1974 woke up on one of her birthdays, and apparently decided that she was going to spend that day taking off her clothes and detailing every scar that she had ever gotten from every source it is possible to get a scar from, in front of a camera. It also appears that she was very clumsy, because the movie goes on for twenty-five minutes, wherein she lifts up her big toe, or some other random body part, and starts caressing it gently. “1950”, she gently intones into the camera. “Opened the door onto my foot. Permanently changed toenail color. Age three.” This, again, goes on for like twenty minutes. In the end, she sings “Happy Birthday” to herself, and then puts on her clothes, possibly because she is cold. Then the camera goes off. My teacher says that this is his favoritest movie EVER.

And they say Americans don’t appreciate real art.

And I am certainly not saying that this isn’t real art. For one thing, I understand quite well that artists are essentially people who act like deranged lunatics for money; if a normal, God-fearing human being were to take off all their clothes and sing “Happy Birthday” to themselves, ESPECIALLY in front of a camera, we would not hesitate to send them to a mental institution. But whenever an artist acts like this, we simply assume that we do not understand their depth, and thus just assume that they’re acting like they should, and slowly back away from them, never turning our backs, for fear of encountering the Artist’s Temper.

This is just one of the many things I have learned in my first weeks at UNM, the “Harvard of the West” as proclaimed by its accomplished faculty and absolutely not one of its students. I also learned that the female wolf mascot leads the parade, and the Batmobile is accompaniment at the student orientation. I did not snap a picture of the mascot for fear that she would attempt to hug me. I say this because I don’t want you to expect a picture or anything.

Anyway, I thought we’d discuss the great University with a little Q&A. Let’s begin.

Q: Why are you such a hateful asshole to everybody?

A: I’m not. You just need to develop a sense of humor. I would not have spent three thousand dollars of scholarship money to enter a school I hated.

Q: Where can I get the video of the naked woman fondling her scars? I have a scar fetish.

A: I have no idea.

Q: Do I get to howl like a wolf at basketball games if I go to UNM?

A: Unfortunately, no. I learned this by experience. A person once asked, “Why is it that we can’t howl?” He was told some answer that I don’t remember. Instead, they force us to go around chanting “woof woof woof” like cretins. Wolves don’t “woof.” They howl, and then they eat people. That is why they are awesome. That is why we love wolves, for God’s sake. But no. UNM won’t let you, at least I don’t think so. I want to try and do it, though, so I’ll go to a basketball game and see.

Q: Will you stop being a nerd if you go to a basketball game?

A: Not if it’s to see if they kick you out if you howl at the team when everyone else is chanting “woof woof woof”. That is a sufficiently badass reason.

Q: Doesn’t that make you a furry faggot retard, though?

A: No.

Q: Do you think that your architecture teacher’s name, Efthimios Maniatis, is the most awesome teacher’s name ever?

A: Absolutely. I guarantee you at least half of the class will never learn how to pronounce his name correctly.

Q: Have you made any new friends since starting your career in higher education to become a bright hope for a better tomorrow?

A: No, but I have some ideas.

Q: Did you have any complaints at LobOrientation, the orientation program for new freshman students at UNM, whenever they made the Wall of Predjudice wherein people were forced to write down all the horrible racist terms they could think of?

A: Yes. Everybody at LobOrientation was a total pussy. I mean, seriously, how are we going to get to the bottom of racism and predjudice when people are afraid to write down horrible racist terms?

Q: Frankly, how is writing down horrible racist terms on paper beneficial to ending racism in any way?

A: I don’t know. I think it has something to do with the “Predjudice Fairy”, a bigendered hermaphrodite bisexual of indeterminate race who puts money under people’s pillows if they refrain from using racism and predjudice in their everyday lives.

Q: When was the last time she… uh… he… uh… the fox thing to the left, uh, when did it last give out any money?

A: 1963. The fetus the fairy thing gave the money to died shortly thereafter and was sent to live with the Care Bears. Or something.

That’s it for today. Next time, we deal with Labor Day, and ask important questions, like the name of the artist who fondled her scars while naked. Stay tuned.