DERF Happy Hour

5 reasons women should never have to buy their own drinks.

1. Two words – Glass Ceiling. Men, you make more money than us and for some reason we all accept that. So now let’s accept that you should always buy our drinks. 2. Buying my own drinks makes me feel hideous. What good does that do anyone? Feeling hideous gives me low self-esteem. Having low self-esteem makes me very unpleasant to be around. Men, every single thing about me will be better if you buy my drinks. 3. Bar owners – Your bar wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for women (except in Colerain Township). Without women, men would sit in their own make shift bars in garages and who knows where else. So stop charging us for drinks. It’s like charging fish to live in the ocean. 4. 10 Foot Rule – Men, it is common courtesy to buy a drink for any woman within 10 feet of you at any time. Do not wait for her to say hello or make any other acknowledgement that she has noticed you. Simply ask her what kind of drink she would like. If she is 12 feet away, round down to 10 feet. If she is with 6 girlfriends, buy their drinks too. 5. Men, if you do this the right way you can make me feel classy and desirable. Do not ever expect anything in return. When you buy me a drink and expect to enter into an implied quid pro quo arrangement, that makes me feel cheap. I want to feel classy and desirable so it’s best if you simply buy my drink and don’t talk to me. After I thank you without looking at you, it is best to walk away graciously. That would make me feel very elite. Later, when you notice I’m nearly finished with my drink, repeat the process. To summarize: Buy drink, walk away, repeat.