I meant to write about Five for Ten on Friday, so that by the time today arrived, you would know all about the Momalom duo and their quest to foster connection and conversation. I wanted to tell you how important I think these things are and how cool I think it is that that Jen and Sarah have made it so simple. Give five minutes. Get five minutes. Connect. Converse. I wanted to do these things last week so that I could encourage some of you (all of you?) to participate.

Best laid plans.

So here I am today, forced to rely on the old “click HERE and HERE to find out what Five for Ten is all about.” I could blame my book (it being Day #99 and all), but I won’t, because it’s not the reason I didn’t post on Friday. I didn’t post on Friday because I didn’t write on Friday. Not a word. It was Day #96 and I took the day off. And then I took the next day off. And the next one, too.

Does that mean you’ve already finished the book? you ask excitedly. Expectantly.

I just smile mysteriously.

On first glance, you might think this is the smile of a pleased, confident person. A person who has finished ahead of schedule. But if you look closer, you’ll notice that this smile of mine has an edge.

Because it’s forced.

I am wearing the tight, oh-crap-what-have-I-done smile of a person who lives in a world where time is limited and moments are fleeting. A place where opportunities are easily missed. A universe where once-in-a-lifetime means exactly that.

No, I did not finish ahead of schedule. I wanted – needed! – days 96, 97 and 98. But I wanted something else more.

I wanted to spend Saturday (yes, all of it) cleaning out my closet with Mom, laughing at the bubblegum pink mini dress I wore on New Years’ Eve the year I met Husband and the scores of lingerie I got at my bachelorette party and have never worn.

I wanted to spend Saturday evening talking to Dad about the post-Day #100 future of this blog.

And I wanted to spend Sunday celebrating my daughter’s baptism, exactly one year after she came into my life.

I wanted to do these things. I also wanted to spend the weekend finishing my book. But I wanted to do these things more.

So here it is Monday morning, Day #99, the day before my big deadline, and I am forcing a smile. Telling myself that I made the right choice, that those things I did mattered more than game plans and word counts. Reminding myself that the smile I wore yesterday wasn’t forced at all. Because it wasn’t. And if I had it to do over again, I would choose to spend my weekend exactly the way I spent it. Not pursuing my big dream. Not chasing my passion. But cleaning my closet. Eating with my family. Sitting on my couch. Watching days 96, 97, and 98 pass by.

And you know what? It is. Average. Ordinary. There is nothing extraordinary about the existence of messy closet or the desire to clean it. Just like there is nothing extraordinary about a meal with family. Or an afternoon on the couch. There is, however, something quite extraordinary about finishing a novel. And yet, I chose to do the ordinary things instead.

These words, they scare me. I don’t want to be ordinary. And I certainly don’t want to be perceived as ordinary. By you. By Husband. By Lil Mil.

It takes courage to be extraordinary. But it takes courage to be ordinary, too.

It takes courage to be real.

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(Do you struggle with feeling ordinary? To you make an effort to to be extraordinary? Is it hard for you to acknowledge the parts of yourself that you think make you less desirable? Do you agree that it takes courage to be real? Are you participating in Five for Ten? If not, you should! Hop on over to Momalom and sign up! For those of you who aren’t into clicking, here’s the deal: if you will commit to spend five minutes at Embrace the Detour for ten days in a row (and leave a comment!), then I will do the same on your blog. What if you don’t have a blog? It doesn’t matter! Leave me a comment and I will spend at least five minutes emailing you back. The whole point is to make connections and start conversations. We all need both!)

21 Comments

Oh, I’ve been there! The struggle, knowing you made the right choices – the ones that really matter in the long run – but regretting the stuff you didn’t get done, as well. I encourage you to keep being courages, embracing your detour and all of the ordinary that comes with it. It’s that ordinary stuff that adds up, creating the whole picture of your life.

I also think, at the same time, that there is something very extraordinary about time spent with family. Time spent talking. Listening. Laughing. Drinking wine. Sharing a meal. I try to look around the room every time I’m with my family and memorize all of it, because it’s a gift. And, unfortunately, it’s fleeting.

Lauren, I have been lurking around the periphery of your site for some time now (crossing paths with it via Lindsey and Aidan, etc.). I’m an attorney home on maternity leave with a newborn (well, my second child was born a few months ago, so I guess it’s my second newborn) and used to live in Los Angeles (where I worked for a certain celebrity magazine) and so I relate to a lot of your references. I also struggle with wanting to be a writer in the midst of everything else. I loved this post — now that I’m home on maternity leave, away from my BigLaw job, sometimes I think, “How did I get here?” My day will end and my husband will come home and he’ll say “How was your day,” and I’ll say, “I didn’t do ANYTHING.” And sometimes he’ll pour me a glass of wine or take a screaming toddler out of my hands, but sometimes he’ll say, “You did everything.” I wish I could remember that — and for those of us used to setting goals (your self-imposed novel deadline, for example!), achieving, etc. — its often so so hard to see the extraordinary. I wish you so much luck and will keep reading — and am so glad that the Five for Ten finally challenged me to slow and down and connect with all these women I’ve been following (and though, while I want to, I tell myself I “don’t have time” to comment). Nonesense! This has been an extraordinary part of my day.

Amy C

Tuesday, 11 May, 2010 at 17:13

Very thought provoking! I try to be extrordinary in my job each day as a teacher. Just when I believe I haven’t met that goal, something happens, a student comes along, makes a comment, finally understands something, engages in a lesson, and so on. Something happens that makes me stop for a brief second and realize that simply ordinary to me may actually be extraordinary to someone else. From a student’s eyes, with their hugs, and understanding, they find extraordinary in me and help me to see it, too, however little and meaningless it may seem.

I know Lil Mil thinks you hung the moon, every moment, everyday. Mom must have thought cleaning that closet with you was priceless, same as husband with dinner. It’s the little moments, the time spent, the feeling of closeness that work together to make your life and your family extraordinary.

The big projects (the book) are incredible feelings of accomplishments. They are crucial, but so are the ordinary moments everyday. Without the ordinary, you would never find the courage to attempt the extraordinary.

I loved this post! There’s courage in the extraordinary but there’s also great accolades. There’s little praise and glory in the ordinary, you know? I think that’s why it does take courage to do it–because there’s a good chance that nobody’s going to recognize your efforts!

Nicole Larsen

Tuesday, 11 May, 2010 at 9:07

Funny, I found Momalom FROM your site. HEHE So call me an original ETDer. Anyway… YES! This is a huge source of struggle for me too. I have always set my goals high and hit them. There’s some sort of pride in achieving the things that people said were “a bit out there.” So much that I’ve even considered going back to school (law school even) to do something else extraordinary. But that won’t fix it, there will always be an end and then a feeling of ordinary. So how do we embrace the “ordinary?” (This is not a rhetorical question. I really don’t know, but really really want to.) GL with your book! Can’t wait to buy it!

Oh, there is such power in being ordinary. Good for you for tackling one of the most difficult hurdles of motherhood. Just being. It’d so hard to let go of the wants and the schedules and just be who you need to be at any given time. Sounds like a perfect weekend.

It is the ordinary people who truly make waves, though. When I think about what I could have become–a college professor, renowned researcher, a life altering therapist–I remember that what I am doing now–being a mother–is going to change far more lives. I am raising children to be the next leaders, it is within my power to instill in them the values that I want to preserve. So, yes, I am very satisfied with being ordinary. And, yes, it takes a great deal of courage to feel that way.

More than thirty posts into Momalom’s Five for Ten topic of courage and the emerging theme seems to be that there is courage in the ordinary. And I agree with all of them. Happiness is such a precipitous thing that it takes courage to keep it from slipping away.

Good luck with your own writing challenges and Happy Baptism to your little one!

Stopping by from Momalom… This post is so what I needed to read. The struggle of being ordinary, the struggle of owning where we are in every moment, even while cleaning the closet or tending to dishes or whatever… it’s still our life. Every second of it. Knowing that, and loving that, takes so much courage.

It does seem to take more courage to ordinary. It is something that I struggle with a lot, especially since becoming a stay-at-home mom. I’m not sure whom I’m trying to impress…but I need to let go of it and relish those ordinary days and ordinary moments.

Those “ordinary” moments fill the lives of everyone. It’s who you are and what you mean to your family and friends that make your life extraordinary. Extraordinary is not defined by novels and GPAs and fantastic jobs. Extraordinary is defined by relationships.

I’m having a fairly crapy Monday, but took just a few minutes to read a few blogs. I’m glad I did because “it” hit me and made me smile. “It”–the absolute confidence I have that extraordinary is not defined by the rest of the world. It’s defined by those who love me. Yes, I have struggled with the saddness of feeling ordinary, because let’s face it, I am to those not looking closely enough. Look closely, Lauren. You’re not ordinary, and you know it.

Oh, this speaks to my heart. YES, the ordinary is courageous! It seems this is an emerging theme in today’s Five for Ten. The courage in the everyday, routine, and seemingly unremarkable. And I love this. It is so inspiring. Actually more inspiring than the “big” stories of courage you read about.

In my humble opinion, I think you did the right thing. I’m gradually learning the value of taking time for me, unscheduled time, time for play instead of chores. It’s so valuable, for our happiness and for re-charging so we can be even more productive when we return to our work. And time with family is precious – it isn’t easy to find a weekend like the one you had.

I think you should give yourself a little extension, just a day or two, because you deserve it!

I have this best friend from college who makes it her every day goal to be extraordinary. And she does it. She is talented on every level – singing, writing, crafting, flirting, being social, creativity, making money without becoming a desk jockey or settling into some mundane job, and etc. She can do it all. She has done it all. She makes a goal for herself and sets out to do it then gets it done.

You can see where I’d feel very ordinary. While she traveled and saw the country with pretty much the clothes on her back, a camera, and a journal, I graduated from college. While she lived in the coolest flat ever over an Italian restaurant in downtown Pensacola and helped get an underground church for the homeless going, I became a permanent employee with the State of Alabama and started a career, got my first apartment on my own, and began learning to take care of myself and live without my maternal grandmother who meant (and still means) the world to me.

Then she moved to Chicago and the exciting life continues. Both men and women fall in love with her from the minute they meet her. She says she’s shy, but she oozes confidence and self-assuredness and sex appeal.

I’m 5′10″, she’s 5′1″. However, when we were in college, I was often in her shadows and only know as, “Hey, aren’t you Nina’s roommate?”

You can see where I might feel a bit ordinary.

I know I have done the right things for my life, getting a college degree and having a career and living on my own and etc. Sure, I’m not nearly as outgoing and confident as she is, but I have the friends who matter and people who love me.

When I hear about her life, it makes me feel a little jealous, but also makes me feel exhausted. Constantly having to keep the show going for all of your admirers while continuing to be true to yourself and survive the rigors of day to day life.

She wants to be a celebrity. I want to be a wife and a mother and have a simple but fulfilling life.

I have a feeling there are times she wishes she were more like me.

She inspired me to leave my dead-end job and dead-end town and move to Atlanta. She was the first person I told my plans to, and she never stopped pushing me even when I told her I was terrified of leaving everything behind. She brought me out of my shell (even convincing me to be in a model search for Torrid in 2007) and she, in a lot of ways, changed my life forever.

I love her to death for being the outrageous, outgoing, exciting person that she is, but I’ll take my ordinary life. It serves me just fine.

First of all, I think attacking a closet cleaning takes huge courage – for some of us.

Secondly, what some call ordinary is the stuff that others of us dream of. And I don’t truly believe there is such a thing as ordinary. Every person is a gift to be explored and discovered. Not the right gift for everyone, but for many. And there’s no greater pleasure in life than that – than others – human connections.

It’s what five-for-ten is all about. It is why we reach out, which is, in itself, an act of courage.

It DOES take courage to be “ordinary.” I put it in quotes because just because you are doing things that other people do, too, doesn’t make you average. It makes you smart. An extra few days writing the book won’t hurt. Missing the time with your mom because you were tied to your computer might. I say this, and now I need to remind myself…. I have to have the courage to put down the book and blog stuff for a minute and give people teh attention they deserve. And writing a book and that whole long tough process? That’s courage too. Fo sho.

You are so right! It takes just as much, if not more courage to be ordinary. It seems like women especially want to always appear extraordinary. The house always needs to be perfect, the kids always dressed nicely, etc.

Sometimes, there is nothing wrong with leaving the dishes in the sink overnight if it means a chance at some good quality time with your husband or kids!

It’s my first time stopping by here and I’m so glad to have found you through Five For Ten!

I have written in my blog before that we need to celebrate the ordinary. Revel in the average. Because not every day CAN be extraordinary and we can’t expect our kids to always be perfect. The “fine” days, really are just fine. More than fine. They are really the days that I enjoy most because I NEED those days.

Thank you for writing about courage in this way because YES it does take courage to be just ordinary since everyone else expects us to be so much more.

This post resonated with me. I do struggle with feeling ordinary. I have a husband who (literally) saves lives on a daily basis and loves it. I compare it to what I do, writing, mothering, blogging and the inadequacy of these things sometimes stabs me. I realize my role is important, but writing as you know, is so unforgiving. We have to be our own cheerleaders sometimes. And it includes accepting the ordinary. Embracing it. Realizing that from the ordinary we will give birth to something that will surprise us.

I enjoyed this post because you put all out there. I am over from Momalom, but have visited you before.

Here’s to a big finish on your novel and a Happy Happy Birthday to your little one.

You are so very right, that there is courage in th ordinary, and I marvel how many people participants in this great thing called Five for Ten are writing about it. It’s fantastic, I love it, it’s almost like a movement. I’m not good at it either, and when I lose days to the ordinary I do often feel lost, and sad. I want every day to be extraordinary, to feel there was purpose at the end of it. But that’s not real life I suppose. Life takes over and we must LIVE it, even if the living isn’t exactly how we planned.