Hospital, Jazz Club, and Job Centre

Tests on West Ham manager Glenn Roeder have revealed the illness he suffered after yesterday's match against Middlesbrough is not related to a heart condition, the club have announced. Roeder was taken ill at Upton Park following the 1-0 victory and he was admitted to the Royal London hospital last night where he underwent a series of tests. Further examinations are expected to be carried out later today and the 47-year-old's condition is described as "stable".

"We are pleased to confirm that despite numerous press reports, the nature of the problem is not related to a heart condition," said a club statement. "No further statement will be made until the results of the tests are available. The Roeder family would like to thank supporters and people within the football world who have sent goodwill messages. At this time, we would ask that people respect the privacy of the family."

Nigel Winterburn believes backroom staff Paul Goddard and Roger Cross are the obvious choices to assume control if doctors decide Roeder should take a break from his job. "I would think there's a good chance someone will take over and the obvious choices are Paul and Roger," he told Sky Sports. "There are only three games to go so it's not even thinkable to bring someone in when the manager's ill in hospital. We've got to get on with the job and try to make sure we get a good result on Sunday."

Meanwhile, Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier, who spent five months out of the game following heart surgery after being taken ill during a game against Leeds in October 2001, sent his best wishes to Roeder. "Glenn is a very dignified man and I hope he makes a very quick recovery," Houllier told the BBC. "I like Glenn as a man and as a manager. He has always remained dignified and decent, despite the pressures of a very difficult season."

ALL THAT JAZZ

After sacking some members of their backing group over artistic differences last week - including lead crooner Paul "Fingers" Newman - the FA have been rethinking their direction as a beat combo in a changing market. To that end, new bandleader David "Doobie" Davies popped next door to Ronnie Scott's Jazz Kitchen last night to have a look at some up-and-coming talent. As it happened, he walked in on an open mic session for scat vocalists which was followed by an impromptu dance-off for would-be freeform funk movers. But six hours later, Doobie emerged from the smoky gloom unimpressed.

The first act was a very angry, tattooed young Welshman by the name of Craig Bellamy, whose lyrics of choice were distinctly "parental advisory". In fact, he had already been in trouble with the FA for turning the smoky air blue following a gig in Middlesbrough last month. After Craig's slot, a spokesperson from his record company, the PFA, seemed upbeat. "We have had a very fair hearing," he said, drawing on a stubby roll-up. "The FA took into account Craig's fantastic record for a front man." But behind his dark shades, Doobie Davies was unmoved. He shook his head slowly, and instructed his assistant to fine Bellamy £5,000, ban him from performing for one gig and call "Next!"

But the following name on the list did not come out. The much-hyped Wayne Rooney was actually delayed in his home town of Liverpool at an audition with saccharine boy band Boys In Blue. However, after seeing him spit his lyrics, the band decided it was all a fuss about nothing and decided against seeing him again. "We had a chance to see a recording," said a spokesperson. "No further police action will be contemplated." Meanwhile back in Soho, Doobie Davies left Ronnie's in a huff before the dance-off, so he didn't get to see Sol Campbell in action. However, he did promise to take a look at Sol's all-elbows Funky Chicken soon. "The videos have been sent for and will be considered over the next 48 hours," said his assistant. Until then, Doobie is not to be disturbed.

QUOTE OF THE DAY (ACTUALLY IT WAS MADE A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO BUT QUITE HONESTLY IT'S FAR TOO GOOD TO GO WITHOUT COMMENT)

"I won't be following up any US offers as long as George Bush remains in the White House. I often speak with John Malkovich, and Bush's stubbornness is driving him crazy" - Marseille defender Frank Leboeuf ruptures the Fiver's eardrums with a deafening, namedropping CLANNNGGGGG!

A CHESTERFIELD FAN WRITES

Ranking right up there alongside sunlight, sobriety and social etiquette, the Fiver has little time for Second Division football. Well, until today when, for no apparent reason, three prime paragraphs of the world's finest football email service have been dedicated solely to the resignation of a manager you've never heard of at a club famous only for being plucky FA Cup semi-final losers several years ago. Why of course, it's Chesterfield's dastardly Dave Rushbury, the physio-turned-manager who finally packed his bags this afternoon after taking a final swing at the club's long-suffering fans.

"I have made this decision out of respect for the board and the players as they are now being affected by the personal abuse that is being directed at me by a certain section of fans," cried the most inept manager in the club's inglorious history. "The job has become untenable." What the tactical tsar somehow forgot to mention, amid all the blame and shame bluster, is that with him steering the ship, the once-proud Spireites have lost their last five games to sit just one point above the creaking relegation trapdoor and, well, you're not reading this any more, are you?

Still, while the Fiver can get away with many things - usually casual bigotry, defamation and the re-cycling of jaded jokes ad infinitum - a two-par proffering is not one of them. So, assistant manager Lee Richardson and first-team coach Dave Thompson will pick the team until the end of the season. And ageing striker David Reeves will help them clarify which direction the players should run in. "With no other distractions, we know the supporters will want to get behind the team as staying in the Second Division is still in our own hands," rallied chairman Barrie Hubbard, eyeing Saturday's tussle with promotion-chasing Bristol City. But hey, you're half-way through the Rumour Mill by now.

THE RUMOUR MILL

PSV winger Arjen Robben could be the very man to dislodge Heskey/El Hadji Diouf/Anyone Else Bought As A Striker And Used As A Winger In A Desperate Attempt To Cover Up The Fact They Don't Score Any Goals from Liverpool's left wing. Although according to footballtransfers.info, Barcelona and Real Madrid are also interested, so there goes that.

Oldham manager Iain Dowie is reportedly the man Simon Jordan wants to take over at Crystal Palace. And what a man like Simon Jordan wants, Simon Jordan gets. Apart from promotion, that is.

Eh, and that's it. The nation's premier football writers were clearly too busy swallowing Easter eggs whole with furious glottal gulps to bother making up any fresh transfer gossip.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Celtic chief executive Ian McLeod will leave the club by the end of the month. McLeod is to step down when his contract expires on April 29 and has already been linked with a switch to Leeds, who are looking for a successor to Peter Ridsdale.

Fabien Barthez will be fit to face Real Madrid in Big Cup after being forced off at half-time during Manchester United's Premiership win over Blackburn with a thigh injury. However, Juan Sebastian Veron-and-off and John O'Shea are doubts for the big game, while Paul Scholes and Gary Neville are suspended.

Birmingham chairman David Gold has vowed "to do everything we can" to keep Christophe Dugarry at St Andrews - but warned the club will not run the risk of financial ruin. Dugarry becomes a free agent in June, but Gold said: "There will be clubs looking to take Christophe. We might get lucky. It might be the love affair that Dugarry has with the fans, manager and board will help. But remember that generally the thing that must always come first is our budget. We must protect this football club."

Liverpool are giving Argentinian youngster Jonas Manuel Gutierrez a one-week trial. The 20-year-old Velez Sarsfield midfielder has been linked with a £2m summer move to Anfield.

Arsene Wenger has admitted that Arsenal will need to win all their remaining Premiership games if they are to win the title. "It looks like each team must win every game now," said Wenger today. "It is down to the one that does not slip up. Coming out of last Wednesday's game, United had a small advantage momentum-wise but we levelled it at Middlesbrough. We have to get the team in the right frame of mind for Bolton now."

Newcastle striker Michael Chopra has returned to St James' Park after a successful loan spell at Watford.

Nottingham Forest could be without Gareth Williams for the remainder of the season. The Scotland international suffered a shoulder injury in the early stages of Forest's 2-0 win over Burnley yesterday and is undergoing tests to discover the full extent of the problem.

TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO

ITV1: Champions League Extra (11.30pm) "Dear Fiver," began Ben Yates last Thursday, before going on to mope about not having anything exciting to bet on against his mate after the Arsenal v Manchester United tussle ended in a draw. "Can you help?" he wailed.

Football League Extra (12.20am) Evidently, yes. Nick Stamp takes the logical approach. "Just carry your wager over to the last day of the season," he cries incredulously. "Obviously, this would work best if it all comes down to a play-off."

Sky Sports 1: Football Special (6pm & 10pm) More creative, however, is Jonathan Kirby's suggestion of pitting a salt-water crocodile against a Great White shark. In a big glass tank. And with shark-cam and super slo-mo. "Cut the croc slightly before the fight to egg the shark on," adds Jonathan, who it may or may not help to know is an Australian.

Asian Football Show (12am) "Have a few quid on the Kansas City Royals v Chicago White Sox in baseball," begins Regan Fitzgerald. "But don't bet on the game, rather the number of rednecks who'll jump out of the stands to assault the Royals' coaches." Current score: two and counting.

Eurosport (South American Football (1.15am) "I'd plump for the tie between Great Olympics and their long-standing, no pun intended, Ghanaian rivals the Cape Coast Mysterious Dwarves," says Simon McKenzie, who adds that he'll have £20 on the small lads.

Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 with Ian Payne (7pm) And despite lording it in LA, Paul Dingsdale has kept an eye on potential money-making opportunities back in Blighty. "It's got to be the British World Marbles Championship at the Greyhound Inn at Tinsley Green, West Sussex," he snorts. "It's been held there for the last 70 years." What, continuously?

TalkSport: Football (7pm) "It pits 23 teams of six players in tense competition for the coveted title and a nice silver trophy." However, this year the tournament will have an added edge, given that a crack German collective snatched the trophy in 2002.

Newstalk 106: Off the Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm) "So how about betting on who'll take this year's title: the plucky Brits or the steely, efficient Germans? My money's on the latter," adds Paul, throwing his imaginary hat into an equally imaginary ring. Is there a better bet on God's glorious earth, readers? If so, we want to hear about it, so send your suggestion(s) to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and we'll do the rest.