March 02, 2010

Baby Unnecessities: The Diaper Genie

Several acquaintances and friends (defined as acquaintances who have seen me/I have seen naked) have been reproducing lately and that has me rethinking my past. Not "I should have used a condom!" thoughts, but more "How can I, based on my firsthand knowledge, make their experience of raising babies more enriching?"

Therefore, as a public service to the DadCentric community, over the next few weeks I will discuss some of the many alleged "necessities" for bringing up your brattax-deduction precious bundle that Babies 'R' Bucks and Payrent magazine insist that YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT.

This week's Baby Unnecessity: The Diaper Genie.

"One of America's favorite shower gifts, the Diaper Genie System has become a mom's 'must have,'" starts the brainwashing on the Web site created by DG manufacturer, Playtex.

Note the site mentions mom and not dad. That's because when men hear "Playtex" we think of two things:

tampons

Cross-Your-Heart bras.

The first item makes us guys squeamish. The second item make us think of our own moms in their underwear and that leads to $250 an hour for therapy.

The DG site goes on to tell us that its product is "super-easy to use, and help(s) keep your baby's room smelling fresh and clean." Uh, yeah.

Now, my experiences were with the Original DG, now known by its manufacturer as the Twistaway Pail, or more accurately, The One That Lets You Make Dirty Diaper Sausage:

That was, by far, the coolest thing about the Original DG. You literally stuffed a crappy nappy into it, which is lined with diaper shrink wrap, rotate the top and repeat. You do this until you can stuff the container no more, a limitation that depends completely on one's upper-body strength, aversion to handling Dirty Diaper Sausage and competence at resetting the shrink wrap cartridge without slicing open or breaking a finger. I think My Love and I once stuffed 71 poopy Pampers into an Original DG before I gave in and emptied it -- an act performed only when the lid finally refused to shut and the escaping toxic vapors nearly suffocated me in my sleep ... because my wife strategically set the container next to my side of the bed.

My astute Googling and Web skimming skills tell me that Playtex has done away with the Original DG, replacing it with twice the number of kiddie crap containers: the DG II and the DG II Elite. Why? Because when your product requires a university VP with a doctorate in clinical psychology to explain how it works, you need a redesign.

The DG II eliminates the twisting and, hence, the sausage-making ability of the original. WTF? That was the ONLY good part! And it still makes you forcibly push the flugly Huggies down into the shite silo which now appears to hold even fewer diapers. Meanwhile, the DG II Elite has a foot pedal that eliminates the cram but still not the reluctance of you or your spouse to actually empty the dang thing, so you'll end of cramming any way.

Maybe a better diaper pail exists, but I would recommend doing what I do with the doo my dog leaves around the yard: wrap it in a plastic newspaper or grocery bag, tie it and drop directly into a trash can outside -- far, far away from human noses.

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Baby Unnecessities: The Diaper Genie

Several acquaintances and friends (defined as acquaintances who have seen me/I have seen naked) have been reproducing lately and that has me rethinking my past. Not "I should have used a condom!" thoughts, but more "How can I, based on my firsthand knowledge, make their experience of raising babies more enriching?"

Therefore, as a public service to the DadCentric community, over the next few weeks I will discuss some of the many alleged "necessities" for bringing up your brattax-deduction precious bundle that Babies 'R' Bucks and Payrent magazine insist that YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT.