Ask Amy - Friends thrown for a loop by swingers’

Dear Amy: My husband and I became friends with a couple about a year ago.

We had some nice times, including dinners and movies. They are very nice, own a lovely home and have two beautiful children, who seem well-cared for.

Recently, this very nice couple informed us that they are “swingers!”

To say my husband and I were shocked is an understatement. We decided that we will no longer socialize with them, because we feel so strongly about their lifestyle.

My question is why?

Why would a married couple who claim they love each other have sex with other people? —

Still Shocked

Dear Shocked: I shared your letter with Peter Sagal, author of “The Book of Vice: Very Naughty Things (and How to Do Them)” (2007, Harper Collins). In his book, the mild-mannered author describes a night he and his wife visited a “swingers” club. Sagal responded to you:

“They believe that what you do with your spouse’s knowledge and consent isn’t an infidelity. Millions of people in the “lifestyle” and in other forms of open marriage have found that they can have sexual relationships with other people while still maintaining a strong emotional and intimate relationship with their spouse. In fact, they say that ‘playing’ with others can help strengthen that relationship.

“This arrangement doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s obviously working for them.

“And maybe you’re not clear on this point, ‘Shocked,’ but just because they have these sexual encounters with other people doesn’t mean they want to do it with you. You could probably continue to attend their barbecues without risking a proposition. In fact, based on your letter, I think you can rest easy.”

While I appreciate Sagal’s explanation, I can’t imagine that “swinging” is good for a marriage. They are doing this because they want to, and it falls into the “consenting adults” category of human behavior.

If you continue to feel so strongly about this, I agree that it’s best for you to keep your distance. Standing in judgment is not good for a friendship.