Spoof news stories from Thursday 21 May 2009

In a crass attempt to get points on TheSpoof.com, it became clear today that an unnamed writer had written a story specifically designed to try to get into the Google top story pages based on their celebration of her birth in 1844.
It appears that...

LONDON - The Universal Olympic Steering Committee upon the recommendation of 47 member countries has decided to add waterboarding to the 2012 Summer Olympic Games to be held in London, England.
Sir Eric Chippington, president of the UOSC stated th...

Lovely actress Joanna Lumley has been told by Gordon Brown that she now has the right to reside in the UK. The turnaround follows a ferocious battle by the Ghurkas who defended her right to live on the front pages of every newspaper after all she had...

Who would invite the racist bigot, BNP leader, Nick Griffin to the Queens Garden Party? His father of course. It has been revealed through the freedom of information act that Nick Griffin is the illigitemate love child of a secret love trist between...

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Once upon a time, there was a Star Wars trilogy. Each movie in that now historic series released was a blockbuster, and moviemakers have been looking for a recreation of that success ever since.
More recently, J.R. Trollkien's boo...

Before television cameras, a firm grip around Nancy Pelosi's waist, bouncing her against his hip, Donald Trump announced that the Speaker of the House would retain her position as second in line runner up to President Obama.
With that, Joe Biden w...

Roger the Dodger, a Blue Jay in the Tilford Community of Tanyard In Butler claims that new resident there, Pee Wee Herman is freaking out the whole neighborhood.
"We've been here for hundreds of years, before any people at all except the occasiona...

With fears growing over the threat of major F1 teams and drivers withdrawing from the sport next year, the motorsport governing body FIA have ditched the controversial two-tier system in favour of an agreed rule in which drivers pay for fuel during p...

Brad Pitt is verbally attacked by Jenny Shimizu because Angelina doesn't spend lavishly with Shimizu anymore.
Greasy auto mechanic and ex-prison inmate, Jenny Shimizu, who shared a prison cell with Jolie during a ten year lesbian affair and who v...

Manchester United supporters revealed this evening that they would perform their controversial new 'Ferry Cross The Irwell' anthem at the Champions League Final against Barcelona in the Estadio Olimpico in Rome.
Liverpool supporters are up in arms...

The 'accidental' internet 'leak' which showed Britain's Got Talent semi-finalists lined up backstage on ITV's official website was lambasted today as a cheap publicity stunt staged by a cynical Simon Cowell in order to bump up the show's ratings.

In a statement to reporters, Jenny Shimizu, Angelina Jolie's old lesbian flame, says she forced Angelina Jolie to play the role of a man during their ten year lesbian affair.
According to Jenny Shimizu, Angelina Jolie is an unbelievable butch lov...

HOLLYWOOD - In what one Hollywood reporter described as being the most intense catfight since the Katie Couric - Paris Hilton hair-pulling, fingernail-scratching altercation back in early December, Katrina Darrell, better known as Bikini Girl jumped...

Long regarded as an homage to the city of Liverpool, Gerry And The Pacemakers 60's hit song 'Ferry Cross The Mersey' today dominates headlines worldwide after being adopted as the official club anthem of...arch rivals Manchester United!
Liverpudli...

Admitting that the History Channel is running low on Adolph Hitler stories, never-the-less, appearing next week on Wednesday night, The Secret of Hitler's Underwear will be made known to one and all.
"Well, for one thing, they were made to be bull...

Switchboards at national newspapers and news websites have been inundated with messages reporting sightings of Manchester United striker Carlos Tevez in Liverpool, hot on the heels of rumours linking him with a move to the Merseyside club.
Tevez w...

A large number of goats in Taiwan may have died because of a local wind farm, it was suggested today. A farmer on an outlying island told the BBC he had lost more than 400 animals after eight giant wind turbines were installed adjacent to his grazin...

Following the discovery of three further jars of scrolls in a cave by the Dead Sea, biblical scholar Yehudi Matsushita has exclusively revealed to theSpoof.com the true meaning of this ancient enigma.
It would appear that the vast bulk of of the s...

After having some time alone for a couple of weeks, Joe Jonas had the idea to try to call up Sir Paul McCartney to see if they could to get a fresh look at the ideas they have been seriously considering, the number one being splitting up the group, a...

Following the publication of a joke review of a printed T-shirt, sales have gone up by an estimated infinity percent. The Three Spoofs Moon T-shirt has a graphic showing the avatars of Monkey Woods, Skoob1999 and Duncan Whitehead baying at a full mo...

Berlin - As police search the rubble of a collapsed fifteen storey apartment block here in Berlin tonight, shocked residents insisted that they'd been warning of the impending disaster for months.
"It was the fat prostitute on the fifth floor," on...

German porn star, Cora, came unstuck yesterday when she tried to break the world oral sex record by servicing two hundred men, and ended up in the hospital.
Cora, who is currently under investigation by the polizei for getting her kit off in a pub...

Conservative MP for Gosport, Sir Peter Viggers has become the latest victim of the MP 'snouts in the trough' expenses scandal following revelations that he claimed thousands of pounds of taxpayers money for the garden at his Stubbington home.
Outr...

Barcelona coach Pepe Guardiola was last night accused of being 'not very sporting' by observers, following the announcement from the Nou Camp that he is set to rest his ENTIRE first choice team for Saturday's La Liga clash with Osasuna, in the run up...

Following his shock win in American Idol, Kris Allen has called on his British fans to vote for Susan Boyle on the UK's X Factor. He said that he felt it was his 'duty' to promote the Irish singer now that he had won his competition.
Kris was ful...

(Washington DC) -- Congress lined up today and received a free flu shot to prevent swine flu. The CDC (Centers for Disease Clowns) only had 535 vaccine shots left; exactly enough for everyone on Capitol Hill. There won't be any more vaccines for at...

In an unprecedented move, Simon Cowell has refused to renew the contracts of Paula Abdul, Kara DioGuardi and Randy Jackson for the 9th Season of the hugely popular reality show, American Idol. This follows after Kris Allen was named the new American...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice President Joe Biden was surprised when he replied to a knock on his office door this morning and found himself eye to eye with former President George W. Bush.
"What the hell do you want?" Biden is reported to have asked.
"I came to claim my award," replied Bush.
"And what award is that?" queried Biden, folding his arms defiantly.
"Don't play dumb with me," stat...

HOLLYWOOD - Tatiana Del Toro, the 23-year-old Puerto Rican Singing Drama Queen was back on the American Idol stage for the 'Finale Show.'
"Tater Tat" as she was nicknamed by Paris Hilton sat in the audience and was called up to receive an award fo...

HOLLYWOOD - Katrina Darrell, aka Bikini Girl was back strutting her feminine stuff on the American Idol stage.
The 21-year-old pride of Chino Hills, California left little to the imagination as she paraded around in a bikini swimsuit that looked l...

HOLLYWOOD - In what is surely considered by many to be the upset of the year, the Arkansas Kid, Kris Allen defeated the California Kid, Adam Lambert on the American Idol 'Finale Show.'
Quiet, reserved, and humble Kris was just as surprised as most...

When Rapper and Sesame Street Tough Chris Brown learned that his former girlfriend and DV victim Rihanna was having a ball watching male strippers show theirs, he had his very own shit fit.
Brown sent his body guards into the club, Manly Balls and...

Disney corporation's favorite and most profitable rodent has lost his voice , it seems, for good. A Disney spokesperson still apparently in possession of vocal chords announced the mouse's loss of voice:
"Mr M. Mouse, a valued and long time loya...

Executives from the popular FOX network TV show "24" are planning a multi-million dollar tie-up with US outdoor clothing brand Eddie Bauer, according to sources.
Under the deal, the show's main character, Jack Bauer, played by Keifer Sutherland,...

After the Kristian krusade got done with American idol and its audacious equal rights talent contest, the youth minister from Duluth, Minnesota seemed to walk away with the crown. But as the fundies have recently learned their reign may very well be...

Washington,D.C.-Israeli leader Binyamin Netanyahu, on his first visit to the United States, gave President Obama an authentic replica of a Dead Sea scroll containing the Biblical Book of Exodus.
In what has become an excruciating exercise for vis...

Professor Idris Dambusa claims to have found the missing link in the Theory of Evolution and believes his find will seal the argument and turn the theory into the Law of Evolution.
The link, according to him, is in a man in his community known as Man-Monkey who is so disfigured by athritis and other bone disorders that he looks half-man and half-monkey. The extremely hairy man has long limbs an...

I choose to believe in God rather than in accidents (sorry, I mean evolution.) I have been in an accident before and I have seen a handful of other accidents. They is nothing nice or beautiful about accidents. If in doubt ask any survivor of a plane crash. What you see is the wreckage and nothing else. No order, no beauty, no purpose.
It can not be an accident that some cells accidentally came...

Wawa - A poll carried out the TheSpoof.com has determined the writer most resembling roadkill is Jesus Budda.
The result is based on a poll with seven votes cast and is thought to be accurate to within plus minus two to five percent.
Voting ta...