"Well, I'd say that Jake is a 'two-minute man,' but really, I don't know.

Let’s be honest: in last night’s Jake & Paris Variety (Half) Hour Extravaganza there were winners. And there were losers. And there were tears shed in sadness, and tears shed in laughter (I have a cruel, cruel heart). And really, this whole thing, which should have been a huge embarrassment for ABC, The Bachelor, Jake, Paris, Chris Harrison, and really, for anyone watching it, was just that. An embarrassment. But embarrassment has never stopped me, so let’s get to the action, breaking it down into who “won” and who “lost.”

Winners

I give this relationship a month. Actually, in my blog, I think I did.

Paris: Out of everyone participating, Paris made her case the best of all. She seemed, at least for someone on a reality show, as somewhat genuine. Her sexless relationship with Jake (caused by fasting… or just because Jake is a weirdo, but not that kind of weirdo), her need for a little attention (having to ask for a kiss might show he’s not really into you), and basically, her ability to call Jake out on lies that he had no answer for. She just seemed like someone who was trying to get out of something that she shouldn’t have gotten into in the first place. And a little cash on the way out would just be gravy. She was still annoying and whiny, but if there was a winner (I’m still not really sure about that), she was it. Plus her line, “the world was going to want to know what happened,” is a classic. As cataclysmic as that line is, I can only wonder if this whole Jake-Paris situation was the impetus behind my life being in shambles?

ABC/The Bachelor: Ok, they didn’t make love happen again, but they got an “event” out of not making love happen. And with contestants such as Mickey Rourke on the recent Bachelorette, I’m thinking that ABC is going the “drama” route instead of actually trying to “find love” on television. Unless Mickey is so smart that he was able to fool the producers into believing that he was “there for the right reasons” in the first place. Which obviously, he was not. Both in respect for being there, and for being smart. So people watched, people are talking about it, and this whole blowup will be firmly placed in the top tier of the Bachelor echelon, right up there with Jason breaking up with Melissa on live television (and for me, anytime a male cries on either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette). And so, ABC “won.”

Losers

"Ok, who's ready for a shot at love with me? Hello? Anyone... anyone..."

Jake: There’s really nothing to argue about here: he came off as a complete tool, something I pointed out a long time ago in my blog. That he was too perfect, yet single? And why is that? Well, now you see. He was ugly, patronizing and smug. Jake did himself zero favors by actually appearing, and will be lucky to get another reality show. On VH-1. And right now, both Jillian and Ali are thanking themselves for not ending up with someone who obviously suffers from a lot of issues. Jake was really the saddest part of the show, and his reactions kind of made me feel unclean watching this mess. But then I came to the realization that this mess was his doing, so I felt better about myself. And really, what is reality television if not a way to make yourself feel better about yourself? So thanks Jake!

Chris Harrison: While not on Jake’s level, I was somewhat disappointed in Chris. He was obviously “Team Jake” in this whole situation, and pointing out that Paris took money to tell her story while his show, and his producers, were doing the same thing at that very same momentwill probably not be the highlight of his career. Though, in my opinion, he did have the line of the night, telling Paris “we don't really care about the dog.” No, we really don’t.

Love: Love took a hit here. Let’s be honest, people aren’t going to find love on television; its people finding one another in life, dating, becoming comfortable around one another, having that connection, that leads to love. Trying to “win” a “game” most likely isn’t going to lead to love.

The English Language: One word: “Polly-o-graph.” No Paris, even if I knew what that was, there probably isn’t one in the Bachelor Mansion.

Dogs: See Chris Harrison’s statement.

GPS Systems: When they’re thrown out of moving cars, no one really wins, do they?

The Viewing Public: This could go either way, depending on how good, or how cruel of a person you are. There’s no doubt there were parts of the show that were funny (the tape measure, Paris continually talking over Jake, Paris’ googily eyes) but there were also some pretty cringe-worthy moments (Jake’s robotic look, Paris backtracking on the emotional anguish that Jake obviously has caused her, Jake’s “temper issues”). So it was a mix, and thus a wash.

Me: For the same reasons above, this was a wash for me. I felt sympathy for Paris. Yes, she did sell her story to a tabloid, but hey, if that helped her get out of what seems to be an abusive relationship, then at least she’s out, which is good for her. Of course, the whole getting a job in LA, when all she wants to do is leave throws up a few red flags. And Jake, who regained some love from me because of his time on Dancing with the Stars, lost it all. Nothing about his reactions pointed to anything that Paris was saying as untrue, and he seemed a bit more concerned of how Paris brought it into the open, instead of why she did so in the first place. So this is a balance for me: making fun of these tools versus feeling bad because no one deserves such embarrassment. But I guess “live by the reality sword, die by the reality sword.”

But let’s all take some lessons from Jake and Paris and apply them in our lives: if your partner says they’re going to change, and doesn’t… well that means they are never going to, so you have to figure out if you’re going to be happy being unhappy and if making a change would be good for you. Because as Holiday Sweater said so aptly during last night’s Bachelorette: everyone is “deserving of love and deserving of happiness.” And I’m sure Paris will eventually find someone who likes googily eyed girls who like to talk over what they’re saying. And Jake? Well, I think Jake is going to be out-of-luck now. But let’s be honest here: both of them are fame whores, and yes Chris, if they just disappear now (Paris back to the Florida swamplands and Jake back to the mentally/emotionally abusive robot factory), we’ll all be happy. And much better off. Well, except me. Because what would I have to write about then?