Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Then i deducted that if i walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes that i could get upstairs just in time to make breakfast, make lunches and send my kids off to school in perfect harmony with smiles on their faces and love notes in their lunches. (like always)

My reality was not like my daydream. (like always)

I worked out for 23 minutes, flew upstairs in a sweaty heap, wrangled items for lunch, warmed a skillet with sausage patties and eggs--all while spontaneously trying to stretch my hammie in the process.

Yes, i DO need to stretch it even though i only walk on the treadmill--OKAY?! Sometimes Jimmy comes on through my headphones and i walk/jam for about 4.2 whole minutes--its sweat inducing, alright?!

Then i threaten the kids that i "can't drive them every single day" that "i have plans too!!" Assuming they will care and start moving faster then a slug.

Assumption wrong.

Then i acrobatically get the patties on the plate, pour the milk and zip lunch boxes all while kissing my youngest angel on the head--just because.

Wait, no--i mean i yell, "Hurry up! Here comes the bus!"

Exasperating my kids.

Then i watch as they run down the driveway and try to wrestle their heavy backpack straps around their tiny little angel shoulders.

And just as my sweet little delicate red head gets to the bus door (which is closed by now) the bus started to leave......

WITH MY PRECIOUS LITTLE-NEWBORN-BABY-RED-HEADED-ANGEL-CAKE ABOUT AN INCH FROM THE DOOR/WHEELS!!!!
All i coulddo was fumble and panic as i watched in horror....

Frozen. Feeling like if i watched she would be okay, but if i left to yell at her to "STOP!" i wouldn't have her in my view for about .8 seconds.

Thankfully the dummie bus driver (yes, i said dummie and i meant it) stopped after about 15 feet and my girl continued to load the bus as Ruby ran to catch it as well.

By then i was on the porch....

Just kind of frozen and worthless.

I waved at the busdriver and smiled.I don't know why.

After i was sure they were going to live--i flew from the porch to the shower to quick wash up (you know how i love that part of the day). I had about 23 minutes to get ready, repack Juniors lunch, sear a roast and get it into ta crock pot before heading out to preschool.

I can do this.

As i got out of the shower, i hear my Dads van pull up and Juinor ran out to greet him (only after he assured me that Grandpa had stopped and he saw him)

I threw on makeup, toweled off my hair and met thim in the driveway as well. He had to drop off a piece of wood and we chatted.

9 minutes until i have to go.

I got this.

Finally after standing on the driveway chitchatting i said "I have to GO, Dad!"

And off i ran into the house to quick get the last of my supplies for the day.

I got Junior in the van.

Forgot to let the chickens out.

Let the chickens out.

Stepped in poop.(fist to sky) Cursed the chickens and the day i met them!

Wiped off my shoes in the grass.

Forgot my notebook (which i needed for a friend)

Ran into get that.

Had to remove my gross butt shoes.

Got back into the van. Started to back out.

Realized Ruby left the house with no sweatshirt--panicked that it was going to be cold.

Accepted i was going to be late to Preschool.

Ran back in--gross shoes off--grabbed sweatshirt--back to van.

Got to school--a tiny bit sweaty and dropped off the shirt at Rubys school. Apologized to the secretary for doing this every day.

I let myself breath as i now had to decide if i should go back home to clean (which i felt like i should do) or if i should go to the store to get cheese and milk (which i had to do)

I decided to head North. I had to clean up a bit.

Then I U-turned at the next light and headed South. The house can wait. I'm going to the store.

Got to Target. Pondered if i should go in or go to Trader Joes.

Went in. Grumped around the apples, thinking Trader Joes apples are a bit better and then i heard it.

"What are you doing here?!"

I turned around to see my perfect friend, Ang, coming at me with a cart and her baby.

"I'm gru-mpy!" i said, not even fake smiling. (cause we're real like that)

Seeing her was all it took to turn my frown upside down.

I said "What do ya wanna do?!" And she said "we're already here!"

Cause whenever we get together it always involves a stop at Target. 'Cause how else would we paint our nails, huh?

We shopped. Got a coffee, visited, and shopped some more.

We took a "selfie" which is quick and easy.

No, i mean, impossibly hard--especially when your friend is a photographer by trade and its windy and sunny.
Got it. Notice how i look beautiful and she looks haggard? Nope. Nice trick huh? She warned "You made that face."

Hey, i like to try to bring a bit of ugly and aggression to every photo i am in :) Success, i say.

Off to Panera, where i am going to pick up a sandwich to bring to my other friends.

I know, i have more than one friend--its surprises me as well.

Enter Panera. The land of the old and the crabby and the outdated.......and myself.(young, cool and hip)

Its not working, i can feel their power overtake me as i feel my lip start to curl.....a snarl replaces my smile.

Once i order, the women--oldish--likely grumpy-- stars to crowd me.And i don't like to be crowded. Ever.

Its like she thinks i have a batton and am about to proceed to give her the old "hand off".

But i'm not. And i don't.

Instead the creeper, stands about an inch away from my neck and waits for me to hurriedly grab my receipt and move out of line.
So as not to annoy her and her highwater pants and her BLUE TOOTH in her ear.

In her ear. A blue tooth. Did you read that?

I stand over by the water, only after getting breathed down the neck again by a thirsty water buffalo....

and i watch the blue tooth lady.

I feel like i want to kick her. I eye ball her.

She doesn't look back.

She knows, she can feel it.

But she never looks back.

She's afraid. I can tell.

As i patiently wait, taking up as little space as possible with my tiny water and 6 foot frame.

I see the manager walk my way.

High water pants and all.

"Oh seriously?!"
This woman, who clearly is the boss and forces people to talk to her, knowing they HAVE to respond to her annoying face leans over the counter (towards the workin crew) as she collects the buzzers and says (and i quote)

"How's Carol doing today?"

She said this TO Carol.

Like if i looked a you and said, "How's Sarah doing today?" (assuming that Sarah is reading this)

Are you feeling me?

My blood starts to boil and i want to kick her at the knees.

"You know what??? C.A.R.O.L. isn't feeling much like talking today, boss. CAROL is actually trying to make sandwich's for the 586 geriatric patients you got waiting out here, bluetoothin' it up and slurpin' down water like camels, okay???

In my mind, that sentence is dripping in venom.

Ya feel me?

Ugh, Panera....why do you always do this to me?! I only wanted a beautifully handcrafted Italian combo sandwich made by Carol herself.

Now, i end up talking myself off a edge as i have to physically restrain myself from karate chopping the boss in the knees as i grab a handful of baguettes to throw--torpedo style-- at the crabby faces i see as i run out the door--maybe throwing in a somersault--for good measure. Just to get to my glorious friends house to share a sandwich.

My buzzer buzzes and i quickly snap to. I smile at the boss. Make eyes with bluetooth--give her the ol fingers to my eyes then to her--to warn her i am watching her--and hurriedly walk out the door. Sweating a bit.

I got to my friends house and it was wonderful. Glorious as always. And we had such a great time talking and enjoying each other. I tell ya, if God had to do it over again and choose another person to be Mary and carry baby Jesus--he would undoubtedly choose her. She's that good.

It was fun.

I picked up my boy from school.

My anger had subsided.

I got home and found myself happily doing the laundry, I put some water in my burnt roast and ended up sorting out the shoes in the entryway closet with a smile on my face.