mindset

A few weeks ago, I applied for divorce. I have a lawyer and I asked for full custody, no visitation and for my husband to sign his rights away.
It was not an easy choice. Well, I knew divorce was the only option for me, but the aspect regarding the kids was hard.

I know without a doubt the only way the kids and I can be safe and happy is no contact. For us to completely remove ourselves from the situation, abuse and harassment for good. He has abused me, the kids, hurt me in front of them, and done awful stuff.
He has threatened to kill our children and has used them as “bait” to get to me to hurt me and kidnap me. I am terrified that if he is involved things will be bad…and people will die.
I have had ZERO contact since I got the restraining order in September. So 6 months…he does not know where I am hiding and I feel this is the calm before the storm.
He has not yet been served and I pray that he simply does not fight this. I know if he is sober, he should realize what he has done and give me and the kids what we need…peace, safety and security. However…if he fights it and claims I should trust him, I know he is still delutional and not to be trustes.
So nerve racking…not knowing if I will be allowed to be safe or if I will need to have him close in our lives. If he fights it…I will aim for supervised visits that he pays the state to watch him watch the kids for a few hours a month. Even that…is not safe and makes me almost throw up.

I feel so stupid…for marrying him, then having three kids with him and never thinking about what would happen if we seperated or if his abuse got as bad as it did or if he got into meth really bad. I never thought about anything except that we would be together and raise our kids together. I never left the option of divorce as an option. I was determined to make it work. But it takes two people…
Good night folks….I went and got myself all upset with me.