Monday, March 18, 2013

This past week has been very real for me. And very tough. I wish I was this super human that could be motivational every day and never have sad feeling and always lose weight! I wish I could make changes in my own life that will motivate others to become a better person... It's just not happening. I am human.

I keep remembering how in elementary school no one wanted to spider with me on the swings. Why... I was too big and even if I was on the bottom, the swing would still pinch their legs. They wanted to find someone smaller.

In case you don't know what spidering on a swing is... Here you go.. Only imagine innocent little kids...

I keep remembering how in middle school I was made fun of in PE. I was called cow, and whale and I was never chose to be on the team. I was always the last choice. Who wants the chubby kid on their dodge ball team or on their kick ball team.

In high school when we all jammed into the back of the car I was on bottom. I always had two of my friends sitting on my lap. Because I took up the most space, and I was the heaviest. And I could not sit on anyone's lap.

I also only got asked on three days in High School. Two out of three were pity dates. And the third one was a man whore guy who wanted to get with his teachers daughter.

Picture of me in high school. I am in the middle of the picture in a red plaid shirt.

My first year in collage I was not asked on a single data. While all of my roomies were going on dates and coming home stary eyed... I was getting strait A's and working on keeping my full ride scholarship.

After collage I started dating on line and I turned into a slutty type girl. I figured if I could get a guy to pay attention to me, I would do just about whatever he wanted to keep him around. I really did have self esteem issues. And I had no idea how to love myself.

I finally got myself figured out and I had some self respect... and I met my neighbor. He thought I was fun, but was not attracted to me at all. I was SO not his type. We became best friends and eventually he decided he wanted to date me. When we got engaged I over heard him talking to a mutual friend. He said: "I have dated some gorgeous girls... super hott girls. Paige is not the best looking girl that I have dated by far, but I know she is the one for me because of who she helps me to become and how great of a person she is."

Me and my hubby when we first started dating

All of these memories have been running though my head all week. I am so sick of being the fat girl. The girl of his dreams... except for how I look.

I am desperate to lose this weight. I want to NEVER have feelings of worthlessness because of my weight. I never want to be held back ever again.

I am a roller coaster of emotions. I have cried, and laughed and been angry all within hours of each other as I struggle with the scars of my past. Losing weight is more emotional than I ever thought it would be.

Friday, March 8, 2013

I was pleasantly surprised when I weighed in this morning and I was at 192.4. And I was in a hurry and forgot to take a picture!! But I am stoked!!! I am almost out of the 190's. My goal is to be out by next week!!!

I will say that my biggest accomplishment of the week is saying no to unhealthy food. Let me show you some photographic proof of how awesome I am!!

We had a baby shower at work... and here is HALF of the table. The other half of the table was equally full of food that I wanted to eat. Ok... ok.. I wanted to bathe in that food. I believe I was lusting after that food. and yet the only thing that I took... was a picture!

While everyone in the company was stuffing their faces with delectable treats... I made myself a chicken and strawberry salad with some poppyseed dressing. And it was SO yummy! (It was no donut... but it was tasty) And I was so proud of myself for saying no and being strong.

I had people coming up to me all afternoon letting me know how proud of me they were. It was awesome!

I also started training for my half marathon on June 15th. And so far... my times are slow.. but I have not missed a day! BAM! I feel like I am killing it this week!

I saw this picture about running... and I fell in love with it! Its so true! When I can shut down my brain, I can run farther than I can when I am mentally dragging myself down.

Next week I will talk more about what I am eating and why I am eating it. So all you girls who have poly cystic... tune in! It will be great info for you. :)

Friday, March 1, 2013

I bet you all thought that I had died... Nope. I have just been busy. And in a slump. That happens to real people from time to time. :)

Here are a few things that I have been doing since the last time I posted.

I ran a valentines 5K with my friend Ashely. When I woke up... there was snow everywhere. Luckily there was not too much snow on the ground during the race. We even bought matching pink jackets! Aren't we cute. (Minus how bright it was.. and we were all squinty eyed in all of our pictures.

Me and the hubby got matching tattoos. We both got white bands on our wedding fingers. I need to get it touched up and then I will take a better pictures to show you. But.. here i am getting worked on. It did not hurt at all. Maybe I am super tough.. or maybe my awesome tattoo guys is awesome... or maybe both. :)

I also played with my cute dog.

Made a baby quilt for a friend... and its adorable.

And last but not least... I lost some weight! Woo Hoo. For the Month of February I lost 5.2 lbs. Hurray!!

I also hired a nutritionist. I have my second meeting with him tomorrow. I will admit that I am not strong enough to do this on my own. I need someone to help me. To tell me that I can keep going. I need someone that can see my potential and help me believe in myself.

I will meet with him twice a month and just check in to see how I am doing with my eating. I kid you not.. watching what you eat is how you lose weight. Working out will tone your muscles, but eating right will make you skinny. I have been working out for years. Running half marathons... lifting weights. and I have never lost more than 20 lbs. And then I will start eating like a porker again and bam... I would gain all of the weight back.. even though I was still working out.

Hopefully with the help of a professional, and a LOT of hard work... I can make a lasting change!