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To love and lose.

A year ago I knew Big D was leaving. We walked into court ready to say goodbye.

And then he didn’t. We didn’t.

Instead we played soccer and visited the ocean. We watched each other’s favorite movies and made each other’s favorite meals. We found where everyone is most ticklish and just how much salt each of us prefers.

We learned each other. And loved each other into a little family.

Then court. It came and went again, but with a different verdict.

In two weeks, Big D will move to live with his biological dad one thousand miles away.

I always knew Big D would be going. But now I’m not ready.

Two more weeks isn’t enough. Two more years wouldn’t be either. My heart wants forever.

But my heart is bigger than this despair. It knows the deep goodness of a child seeing his father choose him. It feels the overwhelming joy of a family getting a second chance. It sees the great beauty of all that we built these past 18 months.

I have tears just reading this. I still cry because I miss the little one who left us a year and a half ago. You lose a member of your family when they leave, and nothing can make you ready for that. It breaks you heart. I will be thinking of you and praying. x