Now That the Dust Has Settled

When I completed the final trip of my move from Allen, Texas back to my hometown of Sarepta, Louisiana on August 24, 2013, I was angry. The rug had been snatched from under me. Although it had been done in slow motion, it had nonetheless been snatched from under me. I tumbled to the ground, head-over-heels, in slow, slow motion.

The wind had been knocked out of me mentally and emotionally many times during the 19 years I had been married, but that day, I suffered a true eyes-rolling-to-the-back-of-the-head knock-out. Through a calculated, slow-moving plan, he had finally landed the blow that would put me on my back. He had been landing body shots, mentally and emotionally all along the 19 years we had been married, but the knock-out uppercut landed squarely under my chin during the 250-mile drive on August 24, 2013 from Texas to Louisiana.

I Didn’t Want to Go Back

Until the very end, I fought returning to Louisiana. The only thing I could think of was the fact that I was moving against my own desires. Common sense dictated that I move back, but I didn’t want to. I had always wanted to live in Dallas and here I was having to go back to Louisiana.

All I could think of was the many reasons I had to move:

Although I have a B.S. in Business Management and am certificated in Paralegal Studies, I had been a stay-at-home mom since 2005, and my skillset was in insurance claims and paralegal work. That was all fine and good, but all that work experience was in the state of Colorado. I was behind the 8-ball. I’m an extremely quick study so I mastered the laws and statutes of Texas very quickly but there were other issues.

My self-worth sucked.

My self-confidence sucked.

I knew, without, a doubt, that financially, I would not be able to make it because my savings wasn’t what it needed to be.

Why I Had to Go Back

I’m not stupid, so I knew the benefits of making my way back home far outweighed staying in Dallas and struggling.

I needed to regroup. I had been running in overdrive nearly every day of every one of the 19 years I had been married. My tank empty.

I needed to reset. I needed to figure out what I was good at and do it.

I needed to help with my mother whose health had deteriorated drastically.

A New Set of Eyes

After I got a handle on the anger and channeled it into something more productive (my blog, etc.), the reality of the blessing the move back to Louisiana came into clear view.

I’ve been able to just be. I have been able to slow down to the point that I actually rest. Before I came back home, I can count the number of nights that I actually slept. My mind was always racing. I could never settle down.

I will have my MAT before the end of 2016 and I will have my M.Ed. before the end of 2018. I wouldn’t have been able to focus enough on my studies had I stayed and struggle in Dallas.

I have a new dedication to my blog. My experience is one to share. Ultimately, I will share all the details in a book. Those words will meet the printing press by December 2016.

Finally, I was brought back to Louisiana to help with my mother’s care. We refused to put my mom in a nursing home and each of us took pleasure in helping to make sure her final days were as pleasant as possible. She died a few weeks ago on October 24th. My heart is seared, but I know she’s resting in peace.

Where I’ll Land

I struggled with whether I would stay in Louisiana or return to Dallas and I’ve finally decided that I will return to the city. I didn’t make that decision lightly. I tend to over-analysis things to pieces and I did the same with this decision; however, one incident on Thanksgiving eve involving my granddaughter made the choice to go back incredibly easy. My time here is up.

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4 thoughts on “Now That the Dust Has Settled”

I am slowly reading through your posts. You have quite a story to tell. Thanks to the dedication to your blog, as you mention, I hope to be able to learn. World can be such a hard place. Hearing stories like yours learn me to look at it differently, with compassion, admiration and respect. Fully there instead of autopilot.