London - (Ass Mess): "Gotcha, bastard!" UK Top cops are pleased as punch today. Their ruse to lure feckless Cuban-born KGB tribute artiste George W Bush on a Windsor Castle valedictory freebie is a winner.

Just five days ago Serious & Disorganised Fraud Agency officers found their ultimate Aladdin's Cave during a raid on three London safety deposit box facilities.

Apart from the customary haul of Chinese nuclear warheads, Classy A drugs, gold bullion, assorted firearms, hundreds of millions of dollars/pounds/roubles and euros, priceless stolen artworks, jewellery, forged ID documents and fragments of the True Cross (sic) the contents of just one 6ft x 6ft x 4ft refrigerated vault really made their eyes gleam at last.

"We think the shrink-wrapped body of the Caucasian male, aged circa 40 and a DNA-positive match for Mrs Barbara Bush Sr, may have been sitting in the vault for the last 20 year or so," Commander Jim B Ergerac of the Fraud Agency chuckled today.

"The discovery tallies with our probes into the murder of 'God's Banker' and subsequent business trips to London by the perpetrator," Ergerac continued.

"London is where the swap was done after daftass Bush got pissed on one Gilbey's London Pride too many, and had to be substituted for his KGB doppelganger counterpart, the feckless Cuban moron John Geli."

This weekend's honeytrap is the promise of a night in Windsor Castle's Herman Goering Suite after a slap-up dinner with his aunt, the Hitler'd daughter Puppet Monarch who has been his alibi on more occasions than most perverts have had jail sentences.

Cherie Blair has gone bald.

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