Labour candidates promise paperclips and Fanta

The 1926 General Strike was Corbyn’s first venture into the world of politics

The candidates for the Labour leadership engaged in a TV debate in Nuneaton yesterday, unleashing a fierce battle of ideological one-upmanship.

Although pundits had predicted little in the way of substance or policy, the four hopefuls exceeded expectations and laid out their candidacies with firm strategy.

Liz Kendall offered “A Britain that has many, many more paperclips available, not just in our offices but in our schools, our townhalls, and even the UK’s remaining three libraries. Like, at least 12 more paperclips each.”

She received a massive cheer from the Newsnight audience, but was then brilliantly outmanouevered by Yvette Cooper’s promise of “Coupons for reduced price multibuy packs of Fanta, only slightly past their sell-by date.”

‘Cooper’s Coupons’, really caught viewers’ imagination, being alliterative, simplistic, and appealling to the public’s most potent desire; the ability to get something slightly cheaper than it would normally be.

Andy Burnham meanwhile claimed he was the “continuity candidate” and emphasised his links to recent Labour leadership, promising a free PDF biography of Tony Blair to anyone who voted for him. He added that “a 5% discount on a signed photo of Ed Miliband will also be available, provided someone can actually find Miliband and get him to sign it.”

But it was Jeremy Corbyn who was the runaway favourite, wowing the audience with a policy package “Allowing dockworkers to strike if their pay falls below two shillings an hour; enabling the formation of machine-smashers in industries like cotton-weaving where new technology endangers jobs; the reintroduction of Victor Gollancz’s Left Book Club; and a subsidy to cut the price of flat caps down to a level where they are once again affordable for every working man.”

Not to be outdone by the extravagant policies of the others, Yvette Cooper also offered to have her husband Ed Balls “Stripped naked and put in stocks, where you can all beat the shit out of him.”

The successful candidate will be invested with the full power of ‘Labour Leader’ on 12th September, and will then be thrown out of office on or before November 21st.