Gwyneth Paltrow's Valentine's Day Essentials

Six items to bring wealthy lovers closer together.

Like my next coffee enema, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! Why do I have a feeling most of you plebs have no clue how to give a V-Day gift? Don’t worry, I’m here with a list of my greatest and most affordable Valentine’s Day essentials.

1. Dark Chocolate-Covered Praying Mantis Heads

Where to Buy: Dylan’s Candy BarCost: $400 per box

Did you know that after male and female praying mantises have sex, the female devours her male partner? Talk about a crime of passion.

Ignite your passion on Valentine’s by getting your lover these dark chocolate-covered digested praying mantis heads! The dark chocolate is 100% natural cacao from Peru, and the praying mantis heads provide perfect protein for your gut. These are a personal favorite—I like to eat them after my weekly bee sting facial.

2. Le Fancy French Toaster

Where to Buy: Harrod’sCost: $1,500

If you’re someone who likes to cook, then you need this toaster. Le Fancy French Toaster originated from the brilliant minds of Marion Cotillard and Genevieve the Dog from Madeline.

Not only does this toaster toast bread in under one minute, it also contains a fragment of Julia Child’s soul, ensuring that your toast will be magnifique! Nothing says “I love you” like breakfast in bed and Horcruxes.

3. Cartier Gold-Plated Valentine’s Day Cards

Where to Buy: CartierCost: $15,000 per card

Giving cards to the loves in your life is one of the oldest Valentine’s Day traditions. Instead of sending the same old paper cards that say, “Uh, I forgot, and this garbage card says I hate you,” show your love some real love with these beautiful hand-forged, gold-plated cards from Cartier, a timeless bargain at $15,000. It’s like spending those shiny copper coins with Abe Lincoln on them… I forget what they’re called, but I use them to plate my yoga gong.

4. Sitting Bull Buffalo Skin Condoms

Where to Buy: Logan & Jake Paul MerchCost: $850 per condom

Sale condoms at dumps like Target are so dangerous for your genitals. I know because I’m an Oscar-winning actress and health expert. Luckily, the progressive brotherly minds behind Sitting Bull Condoms, Logan and Jake Paul, have created an exclusive line of buffalo skin condoms. Now you and your partner can feel the power of the mighty buffalo while you heat it up on V-Day!

5. Ghost Lube by Karl Lagerfeld

Where to Buy: Karl LagerfeldCost: $4,600 per bottle

Sometimes when you’re getting hot and heavy with your partner you need some extra help to keep things going. I always use Ghost Lube by Karl Lagerfeld. Using his fashion genius and the ectoplasm of famous ghosts like Marie Antoinette, Andy Griffith, William Taft, Lord Byron, and many other romantics, Karl has created the perfect aid for an amazing sexual experience.

With the smell of Elmer’s glue and the viscosity of frozen molasses, this lube is a must-have. Plus, there’s a very real, very exciting possibility both you and your partner will become possessed. Unfortunately, there is a waitlist, but rumor has it if you buy spend at least $2,500 on any new Chanel bag $2,500, vomit in it, and FedEx it to Karl’s Parisian office, you’re bumped up!

6. The One Ring

Where to Buy: Sauron & The Fires of Mount DoomCost: Priceless

Nothing says selfless love like placing yourself in mortal peril for a piece of priceless jewelry. Literally, I can’t put a price on it. I discovered the jeweler Sauron on my recent trip to Middle Earth. He has a keen eye for design, and he forges each ring in the fires of Mount Doom, which I find to be so eco-friendly.

While there isn’t a monetary value on this gift, you do have to make some life sacrifices. Eventually, you’ll be hunted down by Sauron and his Ring Wraiths, and it may consume you with utter greed and obsession or whatever. But hey, it’s gorgeous, and you’re a trendsetter!

No matter how you celebrate, I wish you and your lover a wonderful Valentine’s Day. And remember, it’s about the love, not the money.