Bereavement Support Group

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Wanting the grief to stop...

Hi there, I found this site because I was looking for somewhere to go with my grief over \"breaking up\" with a friend. I had a lot in common with this friend--including that we were both married, both had kids, both worked part-time, etc.

Our friendship was close and sometimes much more deeply sentimental than I\'d had with other friends. She lived far away from me, but we wrote or phone called just about every single day for a number of months.

When things fell apart between us, I was utterly devastated. Our \"relationship\" was actually shorter than our \"break up\" has been for me. That is, we had a good time with each other for less than a year, I think. But I\'ve been grieving for more than a year.

I\'d like to get over it already. At the beginning I thought I\'d probably be sad for a month, and then i\'d be fine. But instead I\'ve been sad/depressed for more than a year.

I guess I\'m trying to figure out strategies for letting go so that this doesnt affect me so much anymore.

The \&quot;death\&quot; of a friendship is a tough thing to figure out. I\'ve been going through that for several years now and I can honestly say that it is just like grieving anything else. Each of us makes our own timeline and it goes on for as long as it needs to. Obviously, the more you shared and the closer you were, the longer it\'s going to take. I think we also do a lot of second-guessing in this respect especially. We ask ourselves again and again if we\'re making the right decision. Should we, could we, have done something more to save it. And it\'s hard to move on because of all the times you\'ll stop and ask yourself if that\'s what you really want........

So in the end, for me at least, it comes down to two very simple questions: If I woke up sobbing in the middle of the night (not on a regular basis you understand but in a legitimate emergency) could I or would I call you? And; Would I feel better after having made the call or would I feel worse? Once you have the answer to those questions, then you know what kind of friend you\'re dealing with and making a decision gets a little easier. In my case, we have over 23-24yrs of history together so rather than end the relationship, I changed the way look at it. She is still a good friend and I will always love her. But I don\'t share much about who I really am and who I see myself becoming with her anymore. Because of that, I am and do grieve the death of the relationship we had. I will probably continue to grieve it for the rest of my life. But I\'m comfortable with the decision I made, my reasons for making it, and the knowledge that since she is still part of my life......... there is always the potential for change. But in many ways, women are much closer to their friends than even their husbands. I think it has to do with the way we are able to communicate. So the loss of a critical friendship is powerful and life changing and don\'t let anyone tell you differently.

Time may not heal all wounds because some wounds cannot be healed. But the passing of time does make the pain easier to bear. You can and you will learn to live with it. It will get easier. But no one ever knows how long it takes because it\'s different for all of us.
I\'m here if you need to talk.

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences. I actually have a friend like the one that you described--someone I have been friends with for more than 20 years and who, it seems to me, simply does not know how to relate to me in the way that I\'d prefer (and maybe I don\'t relate to her in the way she\'d prefer either), and I\'ve pretty much accepted that--thinking, well, \&quot;It is good enough\&quot; and I value the friendship enough to try to put enough into it to at least maintain it, even if I\'m not sure it will ever get better.

I think I did destroy my friendship with Jude by not stepping back far enough from it to just accept it \&quot;as is\&quot; -- You are correct, I constantly seem to want answers about whether or not I made correct decisions along the way or whether I should have done something different.

I\'m still not sure. I suppose that is where some of the continuued pain comes from.

Sometimes when I think about friendship stuff, I feel like I must be some sort of ungrateful brat who always needs/wants more from her friends than is reasonable. At least, I suspect that is how some of my friends (i.e., Jude) see me.

The only thing that gives me courage that this is not true is my husband\'s support. Over the years we worked really hard to build a relationship where we are open about our needs and wants in our relationship, for the purposes of allowing each other to be #1 in each other\'s lives. As a result we do both feel that the other is the best fit we have ever found...And he is repeatedly telling me how grateful he is for this...because he sees that with my other friends I usually just withdraw instead rather than risk too much telling them when things really are not working well for me...

Jude was an exception...I thought I could trust her to hear me...

With most of my other friends, it seems like they are insulted or offended or think that I\'m attacking them if I express any disappointment or if I express needs or wants that have not been met...And Jude was not an exception to this, she was really upset by my trying to explain my feelings, and felt like I was trying to change her instead of like I was just trying to explain why/how I felt...

Sometimes I wonder if I just do it all wrong...

Othertimes I wonder if most people just expect me not to do it at all...

Thank God that my husband actually sees it as a priviledge that I share with him and try to tell him honestly what works for me and what doesnt....

The only other thing that gives me faith that I have a right to express my feelings (even though, really, I\'m choosing not to more and more with my friends, b/c it feels mostly not worth the risk), is that none of my friends have ever complained when I have listened to them and their feelings about ways I\'ve disappointed them.... So this makes me wonder if they need and want to express themselves...but it hasnt dawned on them that I (or others of their friends) might really need and want that too....

PLEASE! Feel free to rant and rave and ramble all over the place! You have no idea how good it is to find out that I am not the only one who has struggled with this. I have often wondered if my perspective on friendship was so far out there that no one else had even considered the things I think about.

But maybe we should take this to our own \&quot;message pages\&quot;. We do seem to have turned your group question into a 1-on-1 conversation. Just a thought.......... but I do really like going through all of this with you.

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

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