Thursday, January 20, 2005

How to make an entire gym loathe (or at least mock) you

Use empty workout benches to hold your notbeook, towel, sweatshirt, water bottle or your lazy butt as you flirt with other gym members. (Gym equipment not furniture. And you are not making any friends by hogging it.)

Leave sweat on everything. Or hair product.

Grunt like you're giving birth as you squeeze out those last few reps. (Really. It's not manly. It shows everyone you suck at math. And it makes the rest of us nervous that you might be, like, pooping on the bench or something without even realizing it.)

Do a training circuit on multiple pieces of equipment and get mad when people have the gall to use "your" machines when you're not on them.

Wear little coordinated outfits. (There is a strong statistical causality between wearing little coordinated outfits and accomplishing nothing more than just being in the way. They … um … did a study.)

Wear layers and layers of baggy clothes and lots of bling, as though you just came from shooting a hip-hop video. (Ditto.)

Wear a sweatband just below your elbow. (That fad was over before it started. Unless you're a 12-year-old girl.)

Hold up your shirt and check out your abs in the mirror. (They haven't changed since you last checked them, slugger. And they may look ripped, but admiring yourself makes you look really desperate.)

Work out in a tank top that's so big your nipples show through the armholes and the waist is down by your knees. (We get it: You're built like a brick shithouse. But you look like you're wearing a sundress.)

Be completely unaware that your balls hang out when you do stretches in boxer shorts.

Be smokin' hot and refuse to sleep with me.

Call somebody a "faggot" loudly enough that other people can hear you. (You're not fooling anyone but yourself, cocksucker.)

Wear your steroid patch where everyone can see it. (Though I guess it saves us the trouble of having to sneak a peek in the locker room to see if you have really small testicles.)

Yell GOD DAMN IT! and slam locker doors when you discover someone else is using your favorite locker. (Dude, lay off the steroids. And why do you even have a favorite locker? It's kind of creepy.)

Masturbate in the shower with the curtain open.

Masturbate in the shower, period.

Don't shower for a couple days before your workout. (Save your pit-whiff for the back room at the Eagle, pigboy.)

Douse yourself in cologne or perfume before inducing a 45-minute sweat on the treadmill. (See those unused treadmills going wasted on either side of you? See those asphyxiated corpses littering the floor? That's because of you.)

Stand in front of the drinking fountain to read the sign over it without checking to see if there is a line of thirsty people behind you. (If you've ever done this, you suck and I hate you.)

Use the last tampon without shouting, "I'm using the last tampon!" (I'm totally guessing that this is even an issue, but I felt compelled to include it so the denizens of the women's locker room wouldn't feel excluded. I'm sensitive like that.)

Waste $40 million on a vulgar inauguration festival celebrating a painfully divisive election you barely won while people all over the world who are suffering and dying because of poverty, epic natural disasters and a war you lied us into starting could find a million more productive uses for that kind of money. Um … and wear little coordinated outfits when you work out.

30 comments:

Now I've been forced into a pit of existential angst based on your disapproval of my love of expertly positioned sweatbands. What's wrong with them!? That said, I have never worn one at the gym, so hopefully that gets me off the hook. Neither have I ever worn a Von Dutch sweatband, because like, duh!

Is shower masturbation common? Are guys doing this in the showers of a lot of gyms, or only gyms frequented by a certain demographic? In addition to never seeing free tampons, I have never seen a woman masturbating in the shower at any gym I've ever been to.

Dry your self of infront of your locker, not infront of the mirrors. No one wants to see those goat nuts man.

Biker shorts

Wearing of clothing that explicity focuses on some lame tattoo. Be it sleeveless shirts, torn t-shirts, or tank tops. ESPECIALLY if the tattoo is of a rotweiller holding a chain and is cleverly described as BIGG on top and DOGG on the bottom and an equally clever quote to summarize: "If you ccan't play with the big dogs stay on the porch". Oh, and have a bunch of others that are just outlines. You know 'works in progress'

was that last one too descript?

Biker shorts

Leaving your friggin' towel on the bench or on the floor after you have left.

Biker shorts

OLD exhibitionists. Go home open your drapes and galavant around there. Not where I am reminded of what I am going to look like unclothed in another 100 years.

Biker shorts

don't talk about current events is you can't tie your shoes with other Hurculean dorks

Great list. I'd propose adding one more tip, somewhat similar to the first:

Spread your clothes, towels and toiletries across the locker room bench and floor, especially while you're off in the showers, under the assumption that nobody else is going to possibly need to use a locker anywhere near yours.

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How about chatting on the cell phone between sets but never quite leave the machine giving others the opportunity. Better yet, the personal trainers that supposedly want to drum up business from other gym patrons, talking on their cell phones while their clients await further attention.

Nothing strikes fear in this guy's heart like a chick in a spandex leotard with a magazine on a machine set to 10 pounds. I know that I won't get use of the machine for at least an hour. And if by chance she has a girlfriend with her and they're taking turns... forget it.

"Work out in a tank top that's so big your nipples show through the armholes and the waist is down by your knees. (We get it: You're built like a brick shithouse. But you look like you're wearing a sundress.)"I see this guy all the time, too and I have the scoop on this loser. Apparently, he applied for a trainer position at the gym and was turned down. Strike one: He is not certified. Strike two: His overly-acnied back and steroid patches. Strike three: He can barely speak english. (While racial discrimination is illegal, I can't think of many people who would want to train with someone whom they can barely understand.)

This freak has since decided to sue the gym for discrimination. Maybe the gym should sue him for stupidity! (But them again, given that said gym can barely keep any sort of proper record-keeping and has terrible customer service, perhaps I should sue for stupidity...)

Jake, you forgot 1. The guy who feels the need to moisturize his entire body as if he was in his own bathroom. Even if he's hot, it's annoying 2. The guy who who has never heard of a pedicure with the long and or discolored toenails that you just can't stop staring at3. The guy that comes up to you while you're drying yourself off and announces loudly, 'Weren't you Joan Crawford in that show! I loved you in that!', just as he was being cruised by a hottie. Well, at least he thought he was being cruised...,

Jake, you forgot 1. The guy who feels the need to moisturize his entire body as if he was in his own bathroom. Even if he's hot, it's annoying 2. The guy who who has never heard of a pedicure with the long and or discolored toenails that you just can't stop staring at3. The guy that comes up to you while you're drying yourself off and announces loudly, 'Weren't you Joan Crawford in that show! I loved you in that!', just as he was being cruised by a hottie. Well, at least he thought he was being cruised...,