DELTA AND THE BANNERMEN

Did he? No, Doddy.

Part One

Sue: What an odd title.

The episode begins with a gunfight.

Sue: This paintballing game is breaking all the rules. They are covered in green paint. They should be dead!Me: They’re supposed to be green. They’re aliens.Sue: They look like those little green soldiers that Gary used to play with when he was a boy. But bigger.

The aggressors in this battle are very distinctive.

Sue: What are those things on their backs?Me: Banners. That’s why they are called the Bannermen.Sue: Oh, I thought they were playing Capture the Flag.

Delta, last of the Chimerons, escapes by stealing one of the Bannermens’ spaceships.

Sue: It’s not bad, this. It’s quite exciting for what it is. It’s just a shame about the music, but what can you do?

The TARDIS materialises at Tollport G715.

Sue: Is Mel dressed for a job interview? She’s looking very smart. Whatever it is, I hope she gets it.

The Doctor and Mel are greeted by the Tollmaster.

Sue: Eh? What? That can’t be… Is that Ken Dodd?Me: Yep.Sue: **** off!Me: It is.Sue: But Ken Dodd isn’t an actor!Me: Well, that’s not strictly true. He did quite a bit of Shakespeare before this.Sue: Did he?Me: No, Doddy.

Mel wants to get on a bus going to Disneyland.

Sue: Or she could just go in the TARDIS. Wouldn’t that be easier? Or is it broken again?

Meanwhile, in Wales, we meet two CIA agents, Weismuller and Hawk.

Sue: If these two are really American, I’ll eat my hat.Me: Would you like some ketchup with that?Sue: Honestly? I thought they were sending it up.

Nostalgia Trips is the most notorious travel firm in the five galaxies.

Sue: Hang on a minute… I thought Time Lords were the only people who are allowed to travel in time? Shouldn’t the Doctor be stopping this lot or something?The Doctor: It was a Nostalgia Trip cruiser that got stuck with the glass eaters of Tharl.Sue: Did he just say Thal?

Poor Sue. What have I done?

Gavrok vows to hunt Delta down.

Sue: I definitely recognise him, but I couldn’t tell you who he is.Me: It’s Don Henderson.Sue: He always plays the hard bastards, doesn’t he? I like his eyebrows.

Bonnie and Delta end up boarding the same bus. It doesn’t take long for the 1950s karaoke to begin.

Sue: Bonnie should be in her element this week. She can show off some of her singing and dancing skills instead of her screaming skills.

A passenger on this bus just happens to be a bounty hunter named Keillor.

Sue: Wasn’t he in The Flying Pickets?Me: No, it just looks like him.

Okay, okay, CALM THE **** DOWN. I MADE A MISTAKE. I’LL FIX IT LATER. GIVE ME A BREAK.

The space bus hits an American satellite, which sends it wildly off course. The Doctor uses the TARDIS tractor beam to land it outside a holiday camp in Wales.

Sue: So it’s Hi-de-Hi meets Doctor Who this week?Me: Pretty much.Sue: Excellent. So is it a Pontins or a Butlins?Me: I have no idea.Sue: And you call yourself a fan?Me: There isn’t a documentary on the DVD. It’s not my fault. I’m not an expert on Delta and the Bannermen. Sorry.Sue: I’ll let you off. This takes me back to all those holidays I spent in places just like this. It reminds me of my childhood. Butlins in Skegness was the best.

The Doctor examines the damage to the bus.

Sue: I love the idea of a time travelling bus. If you had to make the TARDIS anything other than a police box, it should be an old-fashioned bus.

A young woman named Ray arrives on her motorcycle.

Sue: ACE!

Ray takes off her helmet.

Sue: Oh, no. I wish Ace would hurry up. Mel should stay behind at Butlins. She could be the new entertainments manager.

Mel and Delta end up sharing a chalet together. Delta is carrying a case which contains a strange ball-shaped object.

Sue: It’s the Sontarans!

Seriously, what have I done to her?

Gavrok arrives at the tollport, looking for Delta.

Sue: Actually, Ken Dodd’s not too bad in this but his costume isn’t really doing him any favours. It looks like he’s walked off the set of a pantomime. It’s ridiculous.Me: It’s a classic example of stunt casting.Sue: Don’t be so rude. He’s not that much of a…Me: Stunt, Sue. Stunt.Sue: Oh.

Later, at the camp’s Get To Know You dance.

Sue: You don’t see enough dancing in Doctor Who. It’s a breath of fresh air, this. I hope it like this all the way through.

Ray has the hots for Billy, but Billy ain’t interested.

Ray: I even learnt all about motorbikes in the hope it’d make him notice me, but it doesn’t seem to have made a blind bit of difference.Sue: Maybe he’s gay? Have you ever considered that?

The Doctor has to console Ray in the laundry room after Billy dedicates a song to Delta instead.

Sue: Aww, bless him. This is a very new series sort of thing to do. That was quite sweet. I don’t know what Billy sees in the alien woman, though. She looks like she’d be very hard work.

The episode ends with the Doctor and Ray facing an alien bounty hunter.

Sue: I’m sure he’s in the Flying Pickets… You know, I really enjoyed that. That was fun.

Part Two

This particular bounty hunter really loves his job.

Keillor: I don’t just kill for money. It’s also something I enjoy.Sue: It’s the hit-man from Utopia. Even his voice is the same. This is clearly where they got the idea from.Me: Yeah, clearly. Incidentally, he was in The Flying Pickets. I was wrong yesterday.Sue: Is it too late for me to do this with somebody who actually knows stuff about Doctor Who?

When Billy sees Delta’s baby for the first time, he doesn’t bat an eyelid.

Sue: Wow. He’s taking this very well. His first words should have been: “What the **** is THAT? Sod this, I’m going off with the woman with the spanners.”

Delta’s baby is growing up quickly.

Sue: Is that supposed to be the baby’s skin or is it dressed in a green baby-grow? It’s bloody weird, whatever it is.

The Doctor is worried about the safety of the locals.

The Doctor: Organise an evacuation of the camp. The Bannermen are on their way.Sue: It could be worse. It could be the Barrowmen.

Billy, Delta and her daughter take a bike ride to the river.

Sue: Bloody hell, now the music sounds like something you’d hear on a game show. It couldn’t be less appropriate if it tried.

It’s at this point that Nicol decided to join us. My toes curled with embarrassment when she entered the room. I really didn’t want her to see this.

She points at Ray.

Nicol: Is she the new companion?Sue: No, it just looks like her.Nicol: That’s a lucky escape. Her accent would have driven you mad.Sue: Keffing hell! It’s turned into the music to The Benny Hill Show, now!
Nicol: What is this? Is this Doctor Who? What is that music?Sue: It’s basically Hi-NRG Disco meets 1950’s Rock n’ Roll.Me: It makes Jive Bunny sound like Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

Murray, Nostalgia Trips’ bus driver, is preparing to leave Wales.

Sue: Is the driver played by Eamon Holmes’ dad?

But just as the bus is about to depart, Gavrok’s Bannermen atomise it.

Mel: You killed all those innocent people!Sue: I bet their travel insurance doesn’t cover that.

The Bannermen stick their tongues out.

Sue: And now it’s a really cheap version of V.

So Keff ramps it up to 11.

Sue: They’ve gone too far now. I was enjoying this to begin with, but the soundtrack is torturing me now. It would be so much better with some decent music.Nicol: It’s never going to be that good, but it could be less bad.

The Doctor confronts Gavrok. There’s quite a lot of ham in this scene.

Sue: This is making me feel sick. That’s one of the most disturbing images I have ever seen in Doctor Who. Seriously, this is making me feel nauseous.

The Doctor lays down the law.

Sue: He’s really good, isn’t he?

It’s official. Sue has fallen for Sylvester McCoy.

The episode ends when the Doctor is forced to admit that he may have bitten off more than he can chew.

Part Three

Sue: It sounds like an episode of Pointless. It’s ****ing quiz show music!

Meanwhile, Weismuller and Hawk (“What is the point of these two, exactly?”) are captured by the Bannermen and placed in an elaborate metal collar.

Sue: Kinky. And speaking of kinky, it’s The Benny Hill Show theme again!

Weismuller and Hawk are eventually rescued by Ray.

Sue: You can’t beat a girl with an Allen key and some spanners. That’s just the kind of companion you want.

The Doctor goes for a ride.

Sue: That shot was completely out of focus. It wasn’t even close!

Meanwhile, an elderly beekeeper named Goronwy is showing Delta and Billy his hives.

Sue: I feels like we are watching three different programmes at once. And none of them are any good.

And then she feels sorry for Bonnie Langford, who is bouncing over a field in a motorcycle sidecar.

Sue: Her buttocks must be severely bruised – there’s no suspension on that bike at all. Look, she’s not very happy about it. No acting required.

The Doctor and Mel return to Goronwy’s cottage.

Sue: It just looks cheap. It doesn’t look like a BBC drama production. It looks like a student video. It’s so flat – there’s no atmosphere at all.

Inside the cottage, Delta’s daughter stands up to emit a high-pitched scream.

Sue: So she’s like Carrie? I hope she doesn’t start bleeding everywhere.

The Bannerman’s ship arrives in a nearby field.

Sue: The goats aren’t that bothered by the arrival of an alien spaceship.

Billy takes Delta and her daughter to safety before the Bannermen can arrive.

Sue: He must have the serious horn to go to all this trouble. I just don’t see what she’s got that Ray hasn’t. Except for an alien kid and a face that doesn’t crack a smile.

Gavrok and his Bannermen attack Goronwy’s house but the only casualty is a radio set.

Sue: What a shame. I really liked that radio.

Gavrok and his men search the cottage but the Doctor has set a trap.

Sue: That shelf must be possessed – it’s actually throwing boxes at them! What the ****?

Billy tells Delta that he wants to become a Chimeron.

Sue: (singing) “You’re the one that I want. Ooh ooh ooh, honey.” Seriously, what does he see in her?

And then Sue thinks she recognises one of the Bannermen.

Sue: Gangnam style!

And then she loses her patience.

Sue: It’s as if somebody has been given the keys to Doctor Who and they thought, I know, let’s take it as far away from what Doctor Who is normally like and let’s see what happens. And what happens is basically shit.

When the Bannermen attack, the Doctor amplifies Delta’s scream into a weapon.

Sue: Butlins wouldn’t let them break the windows. What a shame.

The Chimeron’s scream is far too much for the Bannermen to take.

Sue: This is what I look like when I’m listening to Keff McCulloch.

Gavrok stumbles into a sonic cone, and the music sting that accompanies his death makes us howl with laughter.

The Doctor gives Weissmuller and Hawk their satellite back.

Sue: What was the ****ing point of those two?

Billy prepares to leave the planet with Delta. The radio plays Who’s Sorry Now? in the background.

Sue: He’ll be the one who’s sorry when he finds out she has a penis. All the women from her planet have one.

When Billy bids Ray farewell, Sue’s jaw is on the floor.

Sue: Not only is he the most unconvincing character ever to appear in Doctor Who, it’s one of the worst performances, too.

Before he leaves, Goronwy gives the Doctor a jar of hibiscus blossom.

Me: You know, I’m sure the old beekeeper is supposed to be a Time Lord.Sue: Eh? Are you mad? He’s just a bloke who like bees.Me: I’m sure there’s a reason for it. I definitely read it somewhere. Maybe we missed something?Sue: You fans need to give your heads a shake.

The Score

Sue: That was Doctor Who made for 7 year-old children with very low attention spans. It’s a shame because I really liked the idea and the first episode wasn’t that bad. But it felt apart really quickly and in the end, it just got on my tits. That’s why there isn’t a documentary on the DVD; no one wants to admit responsibility for it.

2/10

Next Time

Volume 6 is packed with extras, including blogs for All Creatures Great and Small, A Very Peculiar Practice, Time Crash and The Tomorrow People, episode annotations, illustrations by Graham Kibble-White, and a foreword by Jenny T. Colgan.