-My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

-I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

-I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

-My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

-A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

-I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.