“She Rescinded Her Invite to Be Her Bridesmaid”

Two to three months ago a dear friend of mine who had recently become engaged asked me if I would be one of her bridesmaids. I was totally thrown off that I had “made the cut,” since the other bridesmaids are her childhood friends and her MOH is her sister. I told her I was beyond honored.

The other day I asked for an update on bridesmaid dresses to which I received no reply. A few days after that she responded that my question had thrown her for a loop. She was terribly sorry if she had made me think her decisions on the wedding party were final and said that, when she and her fiancé had sat down and talked about it, they decided on a smaller wedding party and she was only able to choose the girls who were her childhood friends.

I am 100% ok that I am not in the wedding. What I am not ok about is knowing she most likely told all her friends that I assumed I was in the wedding party and asked for advice on how to tell me that I’m not. I didn’t assume anything! It happened, it is a fact. (My husband also remembers the night as he too was surprised I had made it into their “close knit group.”)

While I treasure our friendship, this is truly making me ill. To think that I am being talked about is driving me insane and giving me anxiety attacks. And I just cannot not say something to her. Any advice on how I can clear this up without hurting our friendship? All my friends are saying that I shouldn’t hang out with her anymore, but I hope that’s not the only answer. — Assumed Guilty

Isn’t the friendship already hurt? You’re turned off by your friend’s utter breach of etiquette, her seeming lack of respect for you, and the idea that she’s talking about you behind your back to her “close-knit” circle that you aren’t a part of. (And let’s be honest, the idea that there’s a tight circle that you haven’t been able to break into seems to be a sore point to you, too.). Now, you’re concerned with defending yourself against what you imagine is being said and thought about you (namely, the lie that you “assumed” you were a bridesmaid), but to try to do so without damaging the friendship is futile. The friendship is already damaged.

If you don’t say anything to the bride, your friendship suffers because you resent how she’s treated you. If you DO say something, there’s a good chance she’ll resent you for breaking the girlfriend code of letting shitty bridezilla behavior slide and, instead, calling her out for how she treated you when she’s busy planning her Big Special Day. But… what is it exactly you hope to “clear up” or accomplish by addressing all of this with the bride? Do you want her to admit that she did, in fact, initially ask you to be a bridesmaid and then changed her mind and didn’t have the guts to tell you and hoped you’d maybe forget she ever brought up the idea to you? Do you want her to apologize? To admit she was wrong? Do you think any of those things will really happen? Like, in a genuine way and not simply in a, “Oh, ok, I’ll say whatever I need to say to get you to leave me alone” way? I don’t.

I think the window of authenticity has closed. As soon as the bride implied that you made an assumption, that window slammed shut. Rather than own her mistake then and admit she made a mistake by asking you to be a bridesmaid and then changing her mind, she turned the tables and tried to get you to take the fall. Any apology you might get from her now won’t be genuine. It’s not like she FORGOT she asked you and that your reminding her is going to make a light bulb go off. No, she remembers perfectly well. It’s just not a convenient memory, so she has made a conscious effort to change the narrative in her mind.

Look, you’re probably not going to continue being friends with this person anyway. (The window of genuine friendship also slammed shut), so you can either go out quietly — a slow fade after attending her wedding (or, hell, skipping it on account of being physically ill over how she’s treated you). Or, you can go out with some drama by calling attention to her general shittiness and likely making yourself the subject of more inner-circle gossiping (“Ladies, first she assumed I asked her to be a bridesmaid, and THEN she totally denied that she did anything wrong and tried to put all the blame on ME even though I’M the BRIDE and it’s MY wedding!”). You have to decide for yourself which scenario will create the least anxiety for yourself and go with that. If it were I, I’d probably do the slow fade and call it a day. But if you choose the latter, please update with all the details as I’d LOVE to hear how the bride spins things when you call her out!

It honestly seems a little melodramatic that you are obsessing and making yourself “ill” over the prospect that this girl talked about you to her other friends behind your back. So Wendy is right, it sounds like the friendship is damaged beyond repair. I recommend the fade out. If you are worried about them talking about you over this, imagine what they will say about you if you go scorched earth and tell them all off before you flounce out of their lives? That should be deterrent enough from causing a scene! Or, if you want to still be friends with her, accept that what she told you is true– in the excitement of getting engaged she asked a lot of people to be her bridesmaids and then realized it was too many and pulled back. Honestly, this is fairly common and isn’t that offensive on it’s own. The actual problem is that when she decided to pull back, she didn’t call you and tell you that you were cut. What did she expect to happen… that you’d just never ask? And then, to add insult, she didn’t reply to your innocent question for a few days during which time you suspect (you have no proof) that she was asking her other friends how to brush you off. I’d be pissed about that, too. So yeah, fade out.

As weird as what she’s done is, I wouldn’t say anything at this point. If you wanted to say something it should have been when you got that response. And even if she is talking about it to her other friends who cares? If that’s all they have to talk about it’s sad. It seems like you value the friendship more than she does in general. Which happens, but I think this is a pretty good indication that whatever friendship you had is over. I would give her the slow fade and then down the road rsvp no to the wedding. Then I would work on finding new friends.

Oh, LW I feel for you!!! I am totally insecure and get way anxious over stuff like that (most recently a few weeks ago- and it turned out to be a whole misunderstanding, after I had lost a couple of nights sleep freaking out about it). . I think W is right, and the slow fade is the way to go. I wish you had told us something more about the nature of your relationship with these people (like do you work with them) do you see them outside of your friendship? how long have you been friends?) If you DO have to keep seeing bridezilla then I would probably be the bigger person, and show up at the wedding (unless she decides to tell you that you assumed you were invited, as well). . Honestly? she did you a favour. Being a bridesmaid (esp. to a person like this) sounds like a nightmare. Make that 2 favours, since nowyou know what she is really like.

Ugh. What a B word. I would just skip the wedding to be honest. Though I get how that would really confirm an ‘ending’ to your friendship and maybe wouldn’t be a choice for someone still on the fence about such a decision. So you could either do that OR just go, have a great time, show those bridesmaids what they are missing (ie a fun, practical, co-bridesmaid that they totally should have had as part of their ‘clique’) and then do the slow fade as Wendy suggested.

I think you are being paranoid. Do you have some kind of proof that she was talking about you to her friends? If not, YOU are the one making a mountain out of a molehill.

There are two possibilities here. One is that she is on the level, that her initial “ask” was just to determine your interest but in the end you didn’t make the cut. If that’s the case, it was an awkward/shitty thing for her to have done (she should’ve gotten back to you with a “thanks for your willingness but I had to stick with a smaller number”), but that’s on her, and there’s no reason for her to be talking behind your back to her friends.

The other possibility is she is lying to cover her butt, that she did actually ask you to be a BM but changed her mind and was too cowardly to tell you, and is now putting it on you. But again, if that’s the case, it’s an even shittier thing to do, but also on her an no reason she would be talking to behind your back to her friends.

I doubt she’s being paranoid. Maybe you’re not like this, but plenty of women and men would talk about this to their other friends. I saw this many, many, many times with friends and their bridesmaids and groomsmen. A friend of mine told several guys they would be his groomsmen… that didn’t happen and feelings were hurt. Another friend’s fiance accidentally made a guy a groomsman, and it was like some dirty little secret that he wasn’t supposed to be in it. Eye roll.

There’s a difference between “talk about this to their other friends” which I bet she did do and what the LW is imagining though. The LW imagines the bride is lying about why the LW thought she was a bridesmaid and that they’re all enjoying a laugh a her expense as some lame-o clinger. It’s just not realistic. If the bride did talk to others about it, it probably went more like “how can i respond without hurting her feelings?” The same kind of thing that Wendy gets letters about all the time and in fact the very thing THIS LETTER is about: “how can I handle this and preserve the friendship?”

I feel bad for you, it is a shitty thing for her to do, but you seem more upset for something you are only assuming she did which is that she might have asker her bridesmaids for advice and spreading rumors. I would say just forget about it since this is only an assumption on your part. I would also like to know how she phrased the invite to be in her wedding party. Did she say anything about maybe not being able to have everyone she wants?

RSVP Yes to the wedding and then when she asks why you didn’t show up, tell her your decision wasn’t actually final and you’re sorry she assumed that it was (I’m kidding, don’t do that). . I’m with you in that I think it’s tacky to ask someone to tentatively be a bridesmaid, and even more so to not let them know they didn’t make the A team. . However, I agree with the others that there’s really nothing you can say at this time to improve the situation. Comfort yourself with the fact that if any of those girls ask you about it, you can set the record straight then. And if they don’t, well then you don’t have to talk to them, yay!

I haven’t read Wendy’s advice yet. So I’m sorry if this question has already been asked, but why on earth do you assume “she most likely told all her friends that I assumed I was in the wedding party and asked for advice on how to tell me that I’m not” and that ” I am being talked about is driving me insane and giving me anxiety attacks.” … You sound paranoid. Sure, the bride was rude to invite you and then dis-invite you. So I can understand if you were bummed about that, though you don’t seem to be. I’m not going to comment on whether it was a breach of etiquette on her part to do that (I’m sure it was) because that doesn’t seem to be the problem here. But why do you think you’re being gossiped about? Did I miss something? I saw no indication that was the case. You know what happened; you know you didn’t just assume you were invited to be a bridesmaid, so why do you think she would spread that rumor? From time to time everyone panics about these things – like they have middle school flashbacks to being left out – but, here, I really don’t think there’s any reason to worry about that. Unless there’s something you haven’t told us.

Oh, unless it was the fact that she didn’t own the fact that she invited you and then failed to inform you you were dis-invited? (By saying “She was terribly sorry if she had made me think her decisions on the wedding party were final …” it’s obvious that she has put some of the blame on you for thinking the invitation was a done deal.) But, if that’s it, then there’s still no reason to think she’s gossiping about you. It sounds like she may be the kind of person who doesn’t own her mistakes. Or maybe there was some legitimate miscommunication between you two. Again, either way, none of that would seem to suggest you’re being gossiped about, so I wouldn’t spend another second worrying about that.

So the assumption is in those few days she was gossiping about the LW? My mind really would have NEVER gone there. (Maybe it should? Crap, maybe a ton of people gossip about me and I am clueless?! Haha) But really, without more to this story, my mind would have never drifted there. If I were LW, I would certainly be annoyed/put off by the bride’s failure to own her mistake and for putting the mistake on me (and I might very well be the person who needs the bride to know it was her mistake by saying “Ok, no problem; I know plans change, but for the record, you did invite me” – or maybe not, typing it out it sounds petty, and I would just file this away as “that friend is someone who doesn’t own her mistakes”; people who are like that are like that ALWAYs – at work, with their fam, etc., so it’s nothing to take personally, though that doesn’t mean you need to be close with her; I probably wouldn’t, I can’t stand people like that), but that’s not what seems to be bothering LW.

Your mind so does! So, by the way, if I ever do anything that makes you think I’m secretly off gossiping about you or not being straight with you, promise to tell me? I’ll let you know “yes, I’m secretly gossiping about you” as straight as I possibly can. Haha. Deal? Deal. Glad we worked that out.

I ask from a place of pure curiosity and not judgement, but why is that? Why do you automatically assume the worst in people? Did you have experiences with some crappy people in the past, or is it just your natural inclination?

Most people make decisions or do things with no thought of the potential impact on others, so when they do things that are hurtful to others, they didn’t mean to hurt someone else, they just didn’t think about anyone else it all.

In my experience, people aren’t malicious they’re just self-absorbed. Which makes it no less painful, and no less rude. But ya know, they’re not going out of their way to be assholes I guess.

When people do that, I’d bet it’s insecurity. They’ve likely been on the receiving end of some really malicious, petty people – bullies, “mean girls” from junior high, etc. and aren’t quite over it.I think most of us have moments like that, where we feel bad / left out / joked about, whether the feeling is reasonable or not – even when we know we have no reason to feel that way. I’m not sure how you convince yourself “not to feel bad” when that’s how you feel. … Only with time? Gaining more confidence? I don’t know.

I don’t think it’s assuming the worst about people as much as it is a way that anxiety presents itself. It’s like a weird anxiety loop, similar to people who can’t let go of mistakes they made. If the LW’s brain works that way while she was waiting for a response instead of maybe just assuming she was busy, the LW’s brain did it’s anxiety loop and assumed it meant that she was being talked about.

It sounds too like she already has some weird dynamic/issue with the LWs other friends so it might have stemmed from that.

I have had some BAD experiences with shitty shitty people I considered friends. And I’m pretty sure I have anxiety too. And overall I am a very insecure person, although I have gotten way better than I used to be. . Also, I think in general I am the kind of person that DOES overthink and stress about stuff that might impact others. Like, if I invite person a to x event, then I should invite person b, since they get along well, and that way person a will know someone at the event, when otherwise they might not. And then, does that mean I should invite person z, who I don’t really know well, but spends time with y?

When people have been friends as long as these girls have, they probably heard all about it. I said above that one guy was accidentally made a groomsman in a friend’s wedding, and it was like a dirty little secret joke between some people, like, “I can’t believe Josh is getting so bent out of shape of where the bachelor party is going to be. He wasn’t even supposed to be in the wedding.” That kind of vomit inducing crap.

Eh I don’t know this woman or her friends, but I still feel like unless the LW has previous experience with this group of friends and knows they get nasty, she’s overreacting. Even if the bride talked about the situation with her friends, that’s still not something to get upset about. Like, it’s one thing to say “can you believe that suzie assuming she was in my wedding? What a loser” and another to say “suzie and I had a misunderstanding and she thinks she’s in the wedding but dave and I agreed on only 5 attendants. I need help responding in a way that doesn’t hurt her feelings. What do you think I should say?”. The LW shouldn’t get upset about being the subject of the latter sort of conversation. If you can’t handle being the subject of any conversation, ever, even those that aren’t mean spirited, that’s not reasonable.

But she knows these women, I don’t, maybe they are all a bunch of catty jerks mocking her.

This is pretty much what I commented above, too. I fully believe the friend talked to others about it, but I have no indication from the letter that the conversation was catty and cruel. LW– if you know your friend is a catty Mean Girl, why do you want to stay friends? And if you don’t know your friend to be a catty Mean Girl, give her the benefit of the doubt that there was no malice intended here.

I have to agree with Addie Pray. It’s a huge jump to assume based on a couple-day lag in response that you’re the subject of gossip. I completely understand that you might feel that way, but there are more benign, less hurtful interpretations that could just as easily be true. The bride seems inconsiderate, to say the least, so replying promptly probably wasn’t a priority. Also, perhaps she did ask advice about what to do…that doesn’t automatically mean it was gossipy and mean-spirited. It might have been more in the tone of “another of the dozen friends I asked to be bridesmaids in my initial excitement has called…what should I tell her?” I think she’s pushing off her role in not following up to alert you to the smaller wedding party, and that sucks. But, I’d chalk it up to bad manners and leave it at that. If you MUST say something, I’d still keep it low-key–leave out the negative assumptions and stick to the facts. “I guess I did assume your invitation to be in your bridal party was final…so it took me by surprise that you’d reconsidered. I wish you would have said something, because I feel really awkward and embarrassed that I asked about it!” And, if you’re still in mood to maintain the friendship, you could add that you’re still very happy and excited for her. It never hurts to take the high road. If they choose to be gossipy b’s about it, that’s on them, not you.

For me, I’d be more angry that she rescinded it. It’s rude, and to wait until you asked is thoughtless and lazy. She’s pretending that it was your mistake for assuming as a way to make herself look like less of a jerk. She knows full well that she’s in the wrong. Nobody makes preliminary invites to be in a wedding party. If you don’t know for sure, you don’t ask until you’ve finalized your decision.

Regarding them talking, I don’t think you can know for sure if they are or aren’t. This really isn’t that exciting that I’d think people would spend much time talking about it. Like for them to sit around and mull over it and talk about it a lot would be fairly strange. I’m sure they have better stuff to talk about. I wouldn’t try to “clear it up” anymore. She sounds like a jerk, so I’d probably stop hanging out with her, myself.

So…you know this has nothing to do with you – right? Just because someone says something doesn’t make it true. Just because her friends hear it – it doesn’t make it true – Hell even if her friends believe it – it still doesn’t make it true. How about a third option if this is the first time she has behaved this way? Your friend acted the ass – tried to spin something because she was to weak of character to do their right thing….how about you forgive her lapse – shake your head a little at her – and forgive her anyway and move on. You absolutely can NOT say something. You aren’t in the losing position here – you have the truth on your side – can you not take comfort in that and let go of the mean girl party you think is going on over you? Act like it is any other outrageous thing said about you patently untrue. She said I dyed my skin purple? Who would do that? I painted my nails purple…maybe she was confused… She said I assumed I was a bridesmaid? Who would do that? She asked and I said yes but I think she scaled things back after…no harm no foul. Wasn’t her dress lovely? Seriously – this isn’t the deal you are making it out to be. Let it go hon. Lives aren’t lost on who was and who wasn’t a bridesmaid…

First of, it is terribly shitty to ask someone to be in your wedding party and then rescind the offer. Or not rescind the offer until the presumed bridesmaid reaches back out to you. On that along you’re being perfectly reasonable in wanting to end the friendship.

Still, I feel like I’m missing part of the story. Why would you assume you’re now the brunt of a bunch of gossip? To me it doesn’t seem a natural progression. A rude person may rescind an offer to be in a wedding party, but I don’t think it’s a given they’ll gossip about you or even place the blame on you for the misunderstanding.

What I assume is that you know from past experience that this clique of women does that shit all the time. That they regularly gossip about people behind their back. If so, why would you even want to be friends with any of them? They sound like miserable people, and friendships with them sound toxic. Be happy you have an excuse to fade out.

On the off chance I’m wrong, that they don’t regularly gossip behind peoples’ backs, that there’s really no reason to think they might go mean girl on you, why would you assume the worst of them? Do you have past experiences with other friends that have scarred you? Do you have some insecurities you need to work out? People generally aren’t the worst, so there’s no reason to assume they will be and if you regularly assume the worst in people, you may want to look within yourself into why that is.

Eh, I honestly don’t see what the big deal is. Your friend apologized and even admitted her mistake. “She was terribly sorry if she had made me think her decisions on the bridal party were final…” Sure, she goofed by not informing you sooner, to be sure. Or being clearer about the revised decision. But why on earth would you think that she immediately rushed off to gossip about you? Paranoid much? . I heartily disagree with Wendy’s advice in that I think that Wendy, too, is being way overly dramatic here about how damaged this friendship already is. WTF? Honestly? Not each and every friendship you have lands you in the wedding party. And thank fucking God for that or we’d all be fucking broke. . My advice? I’d simply tell her. No harm, no foul. That you understand how plans can change. Oh, and that you can’t wait to celebrate her big day with her as a guest and that you, too, are sorry for any misunderstanding. NEWSFLASH: Often, in life, you apologize. Not because you truly did anything wrong, but simply to smooth things over and be the bigger person. . Although, thinking on it — maybe you did mess up here just a little bit. I mean, hey, if somebody asked me if I was interested in possibly being in their wedding and then NEVER mentioned it again… Well, you know what? Personally, I would have been able to connect those dots. I mean asking somebody if they are interested in something, and asking them to actually do it are two, very, very different things. Not to mention two different conversations.

History has just been made folks. For the first time, EVER, in all the years that DW has existed, I 100% agree with BGM. I DO understand the anxiety and the paranoid feeling, being afraid that people are gossiping about you. I get it because my mind would go there too. I often have irrational fears that people are mad at me or don’t like me. However, Mark’s advice of how to deal with this is spot on, in my opinion.

LW – assuming this woman is a good friend (and not prone to gossiping behind your back) maybe let this slide. She could genuinely feel bad about misleading you. She genuinely could have felt bad or awkward about misleading you, and therefore procrastinated on responding, or wanted to make sure she worded the email just right to minimize any more hurt feelings, or maybe she was just busy and forgot to respond in a timely manner.

And while I think you shouldn’t discuss anything bridesmaid related with a friend unless you are actually asking them to be in your wedding party, bgm brings up a god point – did you maybe misinterpret how serious of an offer it was?

Basically, don’t let this thing be the thing that kills your friendship, unless your looking for a reason and permission to end a friendship you already want out of.

Like if you know for sure based on past behavior that she’s gossiping behind your back.

I don’t think you should assume the bride spent those few days gossiping about you before responding. She was probably just legitimately trying to figure out what to say in order to spin this so that your feelings wouldn’t get hurt AND so that she wouldn’t have to own up to her mistake. But, let’s say she DID turn to her friends for advice on how to handle the situation. You did the same, didn’t you? So I’d say let that part go. . The bride made a mistake by asking you to be a bridesmaid before planning it out with the groom, but the main offense here seems to be that she waited a few days to respond to you (via text!!) that oops, you’re not actually a bridesmaid. There was a better way to do that and she screwed up. . Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything you can do here other than just let it go. You could respond to her text by saying something like, “Oh, okay! I was just going off of our conversation on ___ night when you asked me to be a bridesmaid. I understand that plans can change, though. No worries!” And the next step would be for you to legitimately stop worrying about it. You were surprised she asked you to be a bridesmaid in the first place, so this isn’t exactly a shot to your friendship. You’re just right back where you thought you were before she asked you.

To me this letter writer seems more upset about the bride implying the letter writer interpreted things wrong than actually not being a bridesmaid. She wants to say something because she is having anxiety attacks and being driven “insane” thinking others believe she jumped to the wrong conclusion? That seems like an over scaled reaction. I’m not sure what is so awful about misinterpreting a friend asking if she would hypothetically be a bridesmaid as literally asking…. Who cares if someone thinks that?

Don’t worry, letter writer. I do believe you. I wonder if in your friend’s head she was ridiculously excited about a wedding (as opposed to a marriage) and was foolishly daydreaming up all kinds of plans before the financial reality and her finance’s opinion burst her bubble.

It was tacky to reply by email and incredibly immature of her not to call and explain why she couldn’t have you as a bridesmaid as soon as she realized her mistake. Given that immaturity, it isn’t too surprising she didn’t take any ownership and passed it off as you misunderstanding her (I’m believing your side that you were clearly asked).

But trying to manage your anxiety by confronting her is likely a bad idea. Even if it temporarily puts you in control, you can’t change whatever version of reality people choose to tell themselves in their heads. I’m not sure what there is to be gained at this point.

The more I think about this LW, if truly want to preserve the friendship you need to do the following:

1. Just accept at face value that you and the bride had a miscommunication. She was asking you in general theoretical terms if you might be interested in being a bridesmaid, you interpreted it as a solid offer. She didn’t realize you took it as a done deal, you didn’t realize it was more tentative. That’s why she didn’t reach out, because you guys weren’t on the same page not because she was being mean or cowardly. 2. You have to assume she doesn’t “blame” you for the miscommunication, but that it took her by surprise. Just as it took you by surprise. 3. You have to assume it took her a while to get back to you for a benign reason. She was busy, or she felt bad and wanted to phrase it just right. 4. You have to assume she wasn’t talking about you, or if she was it was not mean spirited.

If you can’t do that – because you know for a fact that some of those assumptions are wrong (like you know FOR sure there was gossip and it was mean) or you can’t let it go because you’re just too hurt, then you need to quietly let the friendship fade.

If you confront her it’s only going to reflect poorly on you. Either you are wrong and there is no mean girling go on behind the scenes and you will look like a crazy person, or you’re right and the whole thing will ignite into something much much bigger.

Just let it go. Just let it go and keep the friendship, or let it go and let the friendship fade, but don’t go after a confrontation.

so you’re mad that she MIGHT have talked to others about you (but you don’t know for sure that this happened), but you also discussed this incident with “all [your] friends”? I mean… you did the same thing she did. You had a problematic situation and you reached out to friends for advice. You don’t know that she told them you assumed you were a bridesmaid. She never implied that you assumed. She only claimed that when she asked you, the bridal party wasn’t final.

I dunno. It just seems like it’s not worth the stress and both sides are jumping to conclusions. Just say something graceful and only minimally passive aggressive like “I see. I thought when you asked me to be a bridesmaid, that meant the wedding party decisions were final. I would have appreciated knowing when you decided to have less bridesmaids, but I understand you’re busy with wedding planning. I wish you best of luck on your big day and in your marriage. I truly appreciate that you asked me to be a bridesmaid at all.”