Recently, my enemies have been accusing me of having a problem with hats. Maybe it's because I am (predictably) a bald, pale music critic, and wearing a hat makes me look like a Nosferatu vampire-creature. But personally, I think someone's choice of headwear can tell a lot about a person -- usually how they suck.

As I am fully aware that most people are not as gifted as I am when it comes to deciphering the inner-character of a human being based solely upon their appearance, I've created an exceptionally important guide. When I die, I will be remembered for my gift to the world: a list of stupid hats musicians wear and what they mean.

16. Trucker Hat If you are over the age of 40 and wear a trucker hat, you are in a cover band. Or you think you are Johnny Knoxville or some bullshit.

Flickr/hkarau

15. Fedora Hat No one has told you that a hat will not make up for your patchy facial hair. No one has told you that Dave Navarro also has his nipples pierced and should not be relied upon for fashion tips. If you are a girl wearing a fedora, you should know that you do not look like a sexy Indiana Jones.

Flickr/Craig Hatfield

14. Bowler Hat You look like you're about to eat a bunch of food or design a website for a business that is never going to pay you. Or you're too into A Clockwork Orange, meaning you have the sex appeal of a giant bass guitar covered in penis skin.

Flickr/gorriti

13. Cabbie Hat If you have hair and you wear this hat, everyone will assume you are bald in the exact spot that the hat is covering up. It is also affectionately called a "fat guy hat", because it looks good on fat guys for some reason. This hat is also frequently worn by fans of Celtic punk, which is a genre of music that should have started and ended with the Pogues.