John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

I'm getting tired of propping everyone else up. (Published 1-24-12)

Q:

How do I respond to family members who seem critical of my grieving, who tell me to "move on", "you're self-absorbed", "self-destructive" and other hurtful things?

This started the day of his memorial service when I was told I was "being rude" and "enabling myself to feel sad" because I cried after reading the sympathy cards. They act as if I want to feel this way, are disgusted and want me to feel guilty.

Do they really expect me to act happy for their sake? I try but I'm getting tired of propping everyone else up. They have said/done nothing to comfort me in any way and act as though my spouse never existed. It hurts a great deal and isn't helping me heal any.

Appreciate any advice you can give..Thank you

A Grief Expert Replies:

(Dear Anon,

Sadly, your note and questions represent something very common for many grievers.

It’s heartbreaking that the person with the broken heart has to try to take care of the very people who should be more conscious, aware, and helpful to them.

The most important thing in the situation is to find at least a few people you can trust, so that when you want and need to talk about what you’re experiencing, you won’t feel judged or criticized.

When the “less than helpful or courteous” ones say things that you find hurtful, the best thing advice is to not bite back at them. You don’t want to waste your energy being distracted from the real feelings of grief that signify your emotional relationship to the person who died.

What I have done in similar personal circumstances, is just to say to anyone or any comment that didn’t sit will with me, “Thank you, I really appreciate your concern.” And then get away from that person.

I also need to remember that even though by profession I am a Grief Recovery Educator, when someone important to me dies, I am a griever, not a teacher.

The best and only real gift I can give you is to say, “I hear you, loud and clear.” And, if you want to send me an email from time to time, I will do my utmost to acknowledge it, and more importantly to acknowledge the feelings you express.