In my last blog I stated that it can be prosperous to strive for a healthy relationship and preposterous to seek a normal relationship.

Since striving for a healthy relationship must begin with me, I suggest we begin with a self-check on our own emotional health. This blog is the first of a 3-part series offering three self-check questions to consider. These blogs are brief in terms of reading, but each self-check deserves several days in terms of reflection.

Am I controlling?

The painful effects of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) can be emotionally paralyzing and impair social, occupational, and other important areas of our lives. Some husbands of CSA survivors are inclined to “intervene and repair”. Intended or not, this endeavor to repair can be perceived by a wife as an exertion of control over her. Her perception then ranks him with the perpetrator who exerted control over her sexually, a ranking that the husband will want to avoid.

Therefore, we benefit by doing a self-check as to whether we are inclined to be controllers. Here are four questions to ask:

a. Do I typically have one way of doing things and believe that others would be better off if they did things the same way I do them?

b. When things go wrong, do I believe that someone must be to blame even if it might be me?

c. Do small changes affect me for the whole day?

d. Do I have any difficulty understanding what questions a, b, and c have to do with control issues?

If you answered “yes” to either questions a, b, or c, you probably have some control issues. If you answered “yes” to question d, you certainly have some control issues.

During this week, examine whether your attitudes and actions offer evidence and confirmation of your answers to the questions above. You might consider getting feedback from a trusted friend. Consider the appropriate steps that should be taken to safeguard yourself and your wife from any controlling practices or patterns.