Archive for June, 2011

I read some research a while back that identified the lifespan of romance. From a survey of fifty thousand couples, researchers had concluded that the romance in a relationship died after two years, six months and twenty five days. That’s right; paying off that new car could last longer than the special feelings you and your spouse-to-be share.

It seems incredible to a couple freshly in love, but the numbers don’t lie. After less than three years the rush of endorphins and emotions that feels like fireworks in your stomach now will have slowed to something considerably less impressive. Probably more akin to gas.

According to the research, after just that long more than half the women surveyed stopped wearing makeup for their significant other. Even more were un-inclined to dress to impress, preferring to wear track pants or pyjamas around the house. Men fared no better. After the new-relationship buzz faded, nearly three quarters were content to leave dirty laundry laying around. The days of the hurried clean-up to look good were long gone.

It’s no surprise really – those heroic efforts to make a good impression can only last so long. They happen because we are fuelled by a fizzing mix of emotion, novelty and hormones. What it means is that we need to make sure the relationship that develops is based on something more significant or there will be a gaping vacuum when the sparks finally fade.

Some friends of mine explained to me how ‘empty nest’ syndrome feels. When their last child headed off to college, they looked at each other and said, “Now what?” If they hadn’t deliberately invested time and energy in each other – in developing interests and activities that they enjoyed and that created real intimacy – they would have been lost. If their whole relationship had devolved to be about their kids, they would have found themselves alone in the house with a stranger. It’s the same with the outset of a relationship. Without working on some genuine ways to get to know one another beneath the whirlwind of burgeoning love, there may be little there to sustain you both when the novelty wears off.

So if you really want a fairytale ending, forget the fairytale. It takes more than flowers and butterflys every time you meet to make marriage work. Find out who you really are and where you really connect, and build on that. That way, in about two years when he leaves the toilet seat up again, you will love him regardless. Learn more ways on how to keep the romance in your relationship

Sincerely,

Dan Kelly

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Paul’s Thoughts

A loss of romance can definitely stop a man’s plans for a proposal cold in its tracks. As Dan said “According to the research, after just that long more than half the women surveyed stopped wearing makeup for their significant other. Even more were un-inclined to dress to impress, preferring to wear track pants or pyjamas around the house.”

When a man sees women dressed to impress with their hair done, makeup on and an outfit that knocks their socks off, it can be a real let down to see your partner with no makeup, hair in a bun, glasses and sweat pants on. Does this motivate him to propose? No it doesn’t.

Now don’t get me wrong at this point men are not doing much in the romance department either, so they are just as much to blame. The difference being who is it that wants a proposal. If you are wanting your boyfriend to propose, you need to dress to impress him at least three out of every six times that you see him. (I know he should love you for you, even without makeup on, but being politically correct is not what motivates men)

I don’t mean seeing him after you come from work and you look nice. I mean dressing up with the specific idea of catching his eye. The thing you have to keep in mind is that you are still competing with every other woman until the both of you are married. If you want him to propose that means you have to keep his attention on you and away from other women. The best way to do that is by dressing to impress him.

Just take a look at a few examples of celebrities with makeup and without makeup. We all have good days and bad days. The problem is when all your boyfriend sees are bad days, he can forget how truly beautiful you can look. He needs you to constantly remind him. Looking your best isn’t the only key to stepping up your romance, but it is a start. Here are more ways to on how to be romantic to get your boyfriend to propose

My boyfriend feels uncomfortable talking about getting married, he feels pressured when I bring it up. This I understand, however he brings up little things all the time that indicate he wants to get married, he knows my feelings on it, that I want to wait until I finish school to actually have the wedding but I want a long engagement so there is a little less stress in planing. My question is what is he waiting for, we have been friends for years and now dating for a few, my family loves him and his loves me. We are perfect for each other and talk about buying a house, why is marriage so daunting, and why the wait?

He’s about to be 25 I’m going to be 23 a few days after, we have been together for 2 years known each other for 6+ years he is working and done with school I will be done in about two years

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Dan’s Thoughts

There are a whole host of reasons why guys seem to avoid the big M, and without knowing more it is hard to guess what his may be. From what you have said, I suspect there may be some basic failures in communication. You both want the same thing and sound pretty solidly compatible, and have moved past the more tumultuous early stages of any relationship. Maybe he misunderstands your hesitancy, and perhaps you don’t realize his reasons for not proposing. I’m guessing the long engagement doesn’t mesh with him for some reason, so he is waiting until you are actually prepared to get married before he asks. It could be that he doesn’t want to risk the engagement becoming perpetual, so wants to keep it short and sweet. It’s possible even that your ‘yes-but-not-yet’ stance leaves him feeling a little less secure about the relationship – wondering what else might be putting you off. I suggest you jump on the next hint he drops and ask what it is exactly that he wants, then see if you can’t reconcile the two sets of expectations into a happy compromise.

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Paul’s Thoughts

There are a number of reasons why your boyfriend might be hesitant to pop the question. Two of the more probable reasons could be:

1) Research has shown that young men between 19-27 tend to need a few things before they get married (there are exceptions).

* They need to be out of school. Their education has to be finished and done with.

* Working in a job for at least a couple of years. This allows a man to feel more secure and comfortable with his career, plus it allows him to save some money which he can put toward his future.

* Have an opportunity to sow his wild oats. This allows him a chance to get into the dating world and see that the dating world is tough and there really is a limited supply of quality women in this world. When you find that quality woman, he needs to snap her up as quickly as possible

If a young man doesn’t work his way through these steps, then it can take years for a young man to propose. Instead of talking to your boyfriend about marriage, try talking to him about his life. Does he like his job? Does he feel comfortable with how his career is going? Is he struggling with finances? Does he miss going out with his friends to the bars? The point is to try asking him about his life, to see if he has worked through these stages and how happy he is.

2) The second problem I see is that the proposal is all about you. Don’t get me wrong I can see why you would want a proposal. A proposal now, would make you feel more secure in your relationship, you would know that the relationship is not just sitting still but actually moving forward, plus you get a really nice ring that you can now show off to all your girlfriends. To top it all off, you really don’t have to do anything different in the relationship, because you don’t want to get married until after you finish school. This means no stress or change in your life. A proposal now is perfect for you.

In your email, you didn’t once consider if a proposal now would be right for him. In fact, you didn’t consider him at all. Can he afford a ring right now? Does he want a long engagement? What is the point of him proposing to you now?

He has to spend $10,000 – $20,000 on a ring, to then wait two years for you to finish school. At which point things may change and the both of you may not even be together. Not only does he lose out on you, but he has lost a lot of money he might not even be able to afford to spend. Why? Proposing now won’t change his life for the better. Your relationship will stay the same and he is probably very happy with the way the relationship is now and he didn’t have to spend any money to make it that way.

Not just that, but the proposal is all about you and your time line. What about him and his time line? Chances are if you don’t want to get married now and have expressed this fact to him, then he really doesn’t feel a need to propose right now. He is better off waiting till you finish school before he proposes, at least then he knows that you will really want to get married. Then you can both move your relationship forward together. This is just a few of the many reasons that would hold him back from proposing. Just go here to learn more and discover the secret on how to get your boyfriend to propose.

Sincerely,

Paul Wright

paulwright@decodingmen.com

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