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Monday, November 18, 2013

To the People Who Don't Like the Swearing In My Book.

***Yesterday, something bad happened, that wasn't associated with anyone who reads this blog, and because of that, my feelings were hurt, and I commented on it here. I appreciate so much the support from my Proser family, and the discussion this post added. Interesting, interesting stuff.

But I want to defend my friends and family. All the people I've mentioned, picked up my book because of my name on the cover. That's the only reason why they bought it. Some of them bought it outside their normal reading zone, and I am beyond thankful that the love me enough to know that this is important, and they put their cash down to support me. Then they actually read the book. That is true service for an author, and all we can ask of anyone.
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My book made them feel uncomfortable. My book went beyond their line of comfort, and so when I asked what they thought of it, they weren't giving me a look of shame, I think they were giving me a look of "It made me uncomfortable, but I love you, and I don't know what to say."

These are amazing kind people. And I got my feelings hurt, and lashed out at them.

I'm truly, truly, sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. Especially if these are people who had hurt feelings after showing me love.

I should have warned these people who I know well enough to know they'd feel uncomfortable, so that they'd have the choice to read it. I promise from this point onward, that I will be forthright and let people know exactly what's in my books before unleashing them on you.

Everyone has a line of decency. We can't cater to all lines, but we have to cater to our own. And then we have to be comfortable with the fact that someone out there, maybe even someone we love, and whose approval we crave, may not approve.

I'm not going to stop writing with honesty.

But I will accept all honesty back, with a loving and forgiving heart.

Thank you. To the people who didn't like the swearing in my book, but still like me anyway, thank you for your support. Whatever you feel comfortable giving, that's enough.

***

I've heard my mom swear before.

We were in our car, a few miliseconds before we slammed into the car in front of us. She had her hand over my shoulder to protect me, and a swear word popped out.

I use bad words.

I've heard my friends swear before. Actually several times before. One friend swore as I stood in front of her door while she yelled at her children. I knocked. She opened the door with a smile, and I pretended I couldn't hear anything.

I've heard my mother-in-law swear before. It was an accident. One of those times when you mean to say one word, but then accidentally say a different word. It was hilarious. Everyone in my husband's family was there, and we all busted out laughing.

We all swear. Some of us with more shame than others. I have to tell you, that I don't care if you swear. They're just words. A collection of syllables. My two year-old swears every time I tell him to sit. He's just trying to repeat my words, and I don't make a big deal out of it.

Yet somehow, the seven swear words in Alchemy are the only thing any of my friends or family can talk about.

Here's the conversation;

Beautiful family member: "I'm reading your book."

Me: "Oh, what do you think?"

Beautiful family member: The look of shame. "There's a lot of swearing."

Every time. That's the conversation. "I don't like the swearing." "I really had issue with this one word." "I liked it, but I can't let my teenagers read it because of all the swearing."

To be clear, there's not a lot of swearing. There's seven swear words in the entire 120,000 word book, and every one of those swear words can be found inside the bible.

I think it's the look of shame that accompany the words that hurts the most. It's the, "I really liked your book, but you should be embarrassed by those seven words. I'm embarrassed to know you."

I hear those words in the quick change of subject afterwords, or complete absence of subject. Even as I bring it up. Repeatedly.

Me: "Here's my soul and my spirit in book form. What do you think?"

Them: Look of shame. Empty silence that is so full of words. Words that sound like this: "I really liked it, but I can't share it with the teenagers who I know would like it, because someone should protect them from the horrors of minor swearing...because the teenagers I know NEVER swear. Or even if they do, I want them to know that it's not okay, that the words they say aren't okay, and they need to pretend, like I do, that they are perfect person. Otherwise there's no way they'll ever be look like they're happy. And I just want people to be look happy. All people except for you. You who just had her heart dismantled because I weighed, measured, and judged you inappropriate because of the seven words you didn't say."

Oh yes, maybe this is important. I didn't swear in the book.

Maybe it's the fact that I was the only one of us who DIDN'T swear, so people feel safe to judge or criticize these girls who've become the other half of my brain.

Or maybe this is just me. Maybe it's just my corner of this world. Sabrina and Melanie have not seen or heard the look of shame. Maybe it's the soul crushing need for perfection, and to have someone they know admit imperfection in print reflects on them, and that isn't fair. Books last forever. My children are going to read this. One day they might be ashamed of the words I didn't write.

Why are these arrangement of letters more imperfect and damning, then the steamy kissing scenes? No one has complained about the kissing scenes. Why is it, when I was in High School, we had to edit out all the swear words in our school plays, but could drink *alcohol, cheat on wives, commit suicide, or play strippers? And that was in just one season of shows. It's in a celebratory LDS meme I wish I could have found about The Hunger Games that talks about how it never swore once. Yes, there are children killing other children in the most grizzly way possible, but no one said fudge, so it's okay.

It's in the fact that Orson Scott Card, Stephenie Meyer, and Anita Stansfield, have all sworn inside their books, but because these Mormon writers were successful, it's okay. While our tiny book hasn't exploded yet, (wait for it) so it's fine to criticize me to my face about my lack of morals, and how I don't live up to my Mormon standards. It's about how if enough people like something, then the rules change, because the standard of morality isn't based on what's good or what's bad, but on what people think. And people... I mean, People, have decided that these few arrangement of letters and sounds, are shameful. You know, unless enough people like it. Then it's fine.

If you are one of the people who don't like the swearing in Alchemy, please know that I respect you. Thank you so much for reading our book, and for supporting me. I probably should have warned you, and I'm sorry I didn't.

We're only human. Please be my friend, close the door, and smile. Pretend you didn't hear anything, the way you'd want me to if I'd walked by your house on an off day. See who I am beyond seven words.

Everyone swears. Some with more shame than others.

Books should be a place where you can be real without shame. Books can be a place for the imperfect, the interesting, and the inspiring. Books can give a voice to those who don't have one, and sometimes, those voices swear. Especially on an off day.

Books are about off days.

If you agree with any of my comments, please check out the book.

Alchemy is 99 cents right now, and if enough people support the 119, 993 words that aren't swear words, then you can help me silence the shame of those seven words I didn't write. If enough people like it, then it'll be okay for the people who love me to support me.

I want to know what you think. Why is swearing more easily criticized, then kissing, violence, or murder?
~Sheena

22 comments:

Well, when I talked to Melanie about how much I LOVED the book and how I kept looking for a reason to not have my students read it (she told me that I should preview it before I recommended it), I asked her why she would have said to preview it first. I had NO idea what would have been inappropriate about it. She then listed a few things and my remark was "Really? Hmmmph. I didn't catch that and/or I wouldn't consider that a swear!" In fact, when I talk to parents about it, I say that if their child has read "Hunger Games," "Harry Potter," or "Percy Jackson," then they are fine to read the brilliant "Alchemy."

What it comes down to (in the real world) is that you ladies have created a thoroughly stimulating storyline. One that captivates audiences of all ages and demographics, because it is realistic (to a point, since it is still fantasy) enough that people can relate to it and can see the story play out it in their imagination (you all know I have). I have even talked to young ladies in our neighborhood and they have imagine some of their friends as characters. =)

Ladies, keep doing what you all do best. There will be naysayers along the way, just stay true to yourself and your characters. We love you!

I remember reading a book by Orson Scott Card about the moral dilemma of writing a villain in a culture that expected our every thought to be virtuous. It is even more difficult when we are writing the good guys. I have never yet met an author who wasn't astounded at the way their character's personalities grew to become something more than they'd anticipated. Our characters are flawed, some are even broken and they have been raised in a difficult world, much like real people! How can we authors, who have come to love these characters we have created reject a piece of their personality? We created it! And some characters swear. Some have violent tempers that they struggle with daily. Some search for love in all the wrong places. Some are addicted to something. If we didn't create flaws, our characters would never touch someone's heart.

For me, when I find a great book with only seven swear words in it, I run out and buy a copy for my kids and friends! It's that hard to find a good book with no swearing in it. Yes. There is a level of swearing that I won't tolerate. But that level changes based on how much the characters in the book tug at my heart. Because language is only one measure of a man (or a character), and there are so many other ways people can be worthwhile. What matters more is how they treat the people they come in contact with, and what they do to make the world a better place. Just like in real life.

I'm just going to come right out as an outsider here and say it: When our kids aren't around, my husband and I talk to each other like world-weary street cops in an R-rated movie. I write characters who swear about a tenth as much as I do, then cut it in half in edits. I don't want my kids reading books filled with swear-words, but my 9-year-old has heard all the most common ones by now and knows better than to say them. I'd still rather he read a little course language used more-or-less correctly than read a book in which the narrator repeatedly and inexcusably uses the "me and Ben went to the store" construct. Because THAT habit is HARD to break. :)

I do think it is funny how people sometimes get fixated on some things. Violence is something that hardly raises an eyebrow, but swear words do. It's kind of crazy. I had some friends who complained about Molly Weasley saying one swear word in the last Harry Potter book, but were not concerned at all about all the killing that was going on at the time.

I'm against self-censorship in writing. I'm against worrying about what others will think. If someone is offended by what my characters do and say, then I guess my books aren't for them. We have to be true to ourselves and our characters, and not worry about what people might think of the things our characters do or say. Our characters do not represent us.

As a reader, I find a book or movie uplifting based more on themes rather than actions of the characters. For instance, I loved the movie Gran Torino. The main character not only swears a lot, but also says horribly racist things, but the story is uplifting and powerful because of the themes.

Hi! I'm the one who put all the swear words in the book. At least, I think I did - I really don't remember, especially since I've always thought the "redacted" joke was so funny, so that might have blanked out a few of them.

Anyway, if you have any concerns, questions or reservations about the swear words in the book, come see me. Please don't give Sheena a hard time, or Melanie, because of the choices I myself made. They're just wonderful, amazing, supportive friends who have given me complete creative freedom in my character and what she says.

Seriously, if you want to talk, here is my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/#!/SabrinaWestauthor. I'm happy to discuss the appropriateness of swearing in fiction. I like to debate. So do send me any and all questions.

You can also send me hate mail, if that's your thing. I'm not sensitive. I will, however, take any inappropriate or mean letters and reframe them with dancing bear gifs and and crying eagles and so forth, and then share it with all my friends to mock, because really, hate mail is not productive.

I'm sorry you're getting trouble from friends and family about curse words, Sheena. That strikes me bad manners to criticize a co-author for others' work products/efforts. But then most people don't understand how more than one person could author a work so maybe people are just confused about that…

But then again as I thought about this - REALLY? Are people REALLY in that much complete control of the media their teens consume that they *won't* give this book to them and thus the teen will never be exposed to those 7 colorful words? Do folks preview every book their children read? (If so, wow. I gave up when my son started reading 4-5 books/week. I simply ran out of time.) Do they also consider what websites the teens are "permitted" to visit? What video games are they "allowed" to play? What movies they "let" the teens watch?

Look, I'm a parent, too, and I know how hard our jobs are to raise kind, generous, well-behaved, honest, trustworthy, good kids today is. It's not a small job. But it's also not one that can be done well by binding the limbs of the children and not letting them gradually expand their reach, exposing them to more and more in the world.

My kids and I listen to books on audio (like 12-15/year, and we have done so for 5+ years), and I have to pause the story sometimes and tell them, "Um, okay. The book just talked about prostitutes. Do you guys know what prostitutes are? That's someone who has sex for money. And in this country it's illegal. Plus it's morally wrong for x, y, z reasons that we believe in our family. blah blah. In this story, context context blah blah blah, but our values are that blah blah." It's basically free time for me to lecture them. Thank heavens we listen so much in the car, they're totally a captive audience.

But to me, that's the place for these kinds of conversations. We talk about curse words, and sex, violence, blood, gore, politics, betrayal, friendship, commitment. All of it, just by reading books together. So parents, if you're concerned about some content of a book, then read it WITH your kids. No matter how old.

It's so important, in my mind, that our kids build up a - well, I don't want to call it a defense - but a personal set of boundaries that they are comfortable with in their life. When, at 14, my mom plonked down Clan of the Cave Bear in front of me and said, 'There are these parts... but the rest is good,' she and I obviously both felt confident with my ability to skip stuff I didn't feel comfortable with (you know what I'm talking about if you've ever read the book).

Swear words are particularly easy to skip in books if it's not your cup of tea. No need to make a big deal. Now, I don't like gratuitous swearing that masks poor writing ability, but sometimes letting loose is the only thing that will have the needed impact.

I'm really sorry you're getting grief. Cultural things like that can be so hard. Maybe next time you visit you should walk in dangling a cigarette and a bottle of booze. Then they'd probably stop talking about your swearing :)

What a great post. When I was in college--back in the dark ages, I did a speech on the origin of swear words and since then, I don't give a damn who hears me. If I said, "By the blood of Christ's nails" no-one would give a hoot, however in medieval times, 'twould have been another matter altogether. We are not Christian either, so I find it hilarious that I am expected to censor myself just to please others' rules and regulations. I do find some words to be coarse, so I don't use them, but the ol' F word is so...versatile. I mean, what other word can be used as a noun, pronoun, (ad an "er"), adjective, verb, and adverb! I am always surprised that "ass" is bleeped out on t.v. I mean--it's really just another word for donkey. It's "Arse" that refers to our butts, which one CAN say on all the major networks.Go fuckin' figure.~Just Jill

Sheena, I love you. I'm sorry I'm one of the friends that brought up the swearing when discussing your book. I immediately realized how out-of-balance it was to focus on swearing and ignore other things. I didn’t mean for it to be a judgment about you as a person. Your questions are totally valid ones. I waited until today to respond so I could think longer about why I had the reaction I did. Here's what I came up with.

Why was I uncomfortable sharing your book? This is a young adult book, but the only teenagers I know are through church. Even more important, I am their youth leader with a responsibility to be an example of the moral standards that I teach to them. I don't feel like I can teach them For the Strength of Youth standards one day and hand them a book the next unless it’s really, super-duper squeaky clean. It's not that your book is bad (IT'S NOT!) but that I have to be extra good in front of them. I've already recommended it to adults, and would let my own children read when they are old enough, btw. But introducing that variable into someone else’s household without knowing their rules is something I don’t feel comfortable doing.

Why did I name the swear words as my main concern? Sex and violence are on this sliding scale with the line in the middle so blurred, it's hard to tell when you cross it. You can say, "well they kiss BUT they don't go any further" or "there's violence BUT it's shown as a bad thing." Swearing is absolute. The book swore. I can see it. The book only made me uneasy in thinking who in its target age group I could recommend it to (see previous paragraph) and the swearing was the easiest thing to pinpoint because it stands out.

And I have to disagree with you that they are just words. I had a discussion once with some friends about whether our Mormon-replacement -words like "fetch" and "frick" were actually swear words. Does the power in the word come from the emotion behind it or from the actual word? Is an angrily yelled FETCH! worse than a casual drop of the F bomb? I think that any word can get power from a powerful emotion behind it. But swear words have power all by themselves: written, yelled, as a joke, meant to hurt someone or not.

For someone who hears swearing infrequently, the words stick. Most times I point this out, I hear, "if you don't like it, just don't read it/listen to me/pay attention." However, the other side of the argument is that the only way you can discover swearing in a book is by reading the word. Then the damage is already done. It's stuck in my head. Here’s a thought that may also just because I hear swearing so infrequently. When I pick up a book, I expect some degree of violence and sexual tension. Like you pointed out, so many books don't contain swearing, that it's not on my list of expected things to watch out for. When someone is violent, I think, "I can't believe the CHARACTER just did that!" When someone swears, I think, "now why did the AUTHOR have to go and put that in?" It takes me out of the story, which is just as jarring as the actual word itself.

So there you have it, a sheltered Mormon's perspective. I know exactly the look of shame you're talking about and honestly, that's partially the reason I don't want to share, because I don't want to get that look myself. Though I have to say, I don't think I’m being ridiculous by caring. I agree that I should be more concerned with the level of violence and sex in book, but I don’t think that means I have to shrug my shoulders and say, “swearing in books is no big deal.” It is a big deal to me and many of the people I know.

I know you didn’t write those words. But, I can’t read your heart and soul on the page without reading those words too. And that kind of hurts me a little bit too.

I would argue that in this case, Juliette is one character whose swearing is absolutely central to her character. She does it for shock value, because she's angry and wants to lash out at people in any ways she can. She swears to herself because she thinks that makes her rebellious and adult. The fact that one does not need to swear to be rebellious and adult is something that has not yet occurred to her!

But yes, it was absolutely my choice to create her and have her use those words. That's the choice for any author, really. It actually didn't occur to me to worry about that when I was designing Juliette, because I am not Mormon, and I do use swear words upon occasion, mostly in California traffic. :)

I do, however, completely understand that the use of swear words is a big deal to you and many others, and I sincerely appreciate you sharing your perspective.

I don't know if I should say this here, or at the beginning of the post.

Yesterday, something bad happened, that wasn't associated with anyone who reads this blog, and because of that, my feelings were hurt, and I commented on it here. I appreciate so much the support from my proser family, and the discussion this post added. Interesting, interesting stuff.

But I want to defend my friends and family. All the people I've mentioned, picked up my book because of my name on the cover. That's the only reason why they bought it. Some of them bought it outside their normal reading zone, and I am beyond thankful that the love me enough to know that this is important, and they put their cash down to support me. Then they actually read the book. Which is again more than I feel I should be able to ask for. My book made them feel uncomfortable. My book went beyond their line of comfort, and so when I asked what they thought of it, I don't think they gave me a look of shame, I think they gave me a look of "It made me uncomfortable, but I love you, and I don't know what to say."

These are amazing kind people. And I got my feelings hurt, and lashed out at them.

I'm truly, truly, sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. Especially if these are people who had hurt feelings after showing me love.

I should have warned these people who I know well enough to know they'd feel uncomfortable, so that they'd have the choice to read it. I promise from this point onward, that I will be forthright and let people know exactly what's in my books before unleashing it on you.

Everyone has a line of decency. We can't cater to all lines, but we have to cater to our own. And then we have to be comfortable with the fact that someone out there, maybe even someone we love, and who's approval we crave, may not approve.

I'm not going to stop writing with honesty.

But I will accept all honesty back, with a loving and forgiving heart.

Thank you. To the people who didn't like the swearing in my book, but still like me anyway, thank you for your support. Whatever you feel comfortable giving, that's enough.

I handed my 12 year old daughter a book the other day and said, "You should read this, it is a good book." A day or 2 later she told me that she couldn't believe I recommended it because of all the swear words. I was dumfounded. I don't remember there being an overabundance of swearing in that book. I guess that I am one of those people who overlook the swearing, it is the combined words and feelings they give me that I remember, not the single words. My daughter finished reading that book and is now reading Alchemy. We talk about swearing, but we don't swear (although I've let a few slip here and there, especially when playing sports). My kids are exposed to so many different things in this world (even living in Utah) that I would rather them be exposed to it so they don't have that 'look of shame' that hurts so many people's feelings. I want my kids to be able to look past people that swear and have tattoos and all those things that produce the 'look of shame' on their face and love the person inside. I won't let my daughter read Hunger Games yet, even though it is on the shelf in her classroom at school.