What’s love got to do with it?

The one thing I’ve always vowed never to tolerate from my husband has always been domestic violence. As Nigerian women, we are expected to honor and obey our husbands, but both my parents taught me, from a very young age, “If to obey your husband means constant beatings; it’s a private harm and a public shame, never to be tolerated”. Unfortunately, that is not the reality for most women who find themselves doomed to a domestic life of constant violence. I met one such woman last week when I went to visit a close relative in hospital. The lady in question caught my attention because she sat in an isolated manner and looked as though she had been in a terrible accident. I felt sorry for her so I went up to her to ask her how she was feeling. I could see that she was apprehensive about talking to me, but after some time, she decided to open up. I guess she felt as if I was some random person who she would never see again after that day. As she began to tell me about her story, I was horrified to learn that her horrendous wounds had resulted, not as a consequence of an accident, but from beatings that she constantly received from her husband. She told me about episodes where he would punch her in the face in front of her children to incidents where he would bite and strangle her. Basically, her 12 years of marriage was marred in the most brutal form of domestic violence. After much heartbreaking discussion, she confessed to me that she didn’t feel abused despite the severity of the beatings because she believed that her husband beat her because he loved her so much. It really didn’t surprise me because most abused women allow themselves to become victims because they don’t recognise the abuse for what it is. They tend to come to terms with the abuse by justifying it, and in most cases making themselves believe that their husbands love them so much resulting in jealousy, possessiveness and protectiveness and it is such traits that transmutes itself into this so called physical expression of love. But for anyone who is far removed from the hypnosis of the situation, it is clear to see that love has absolutely nothing to do with abuse.

The gravity of domestic violence in Nigeria continues to be masked, underrated and unaddressed. A recent study found that domestic violence is common in all regions and spans all social classes and groups in the country. Never mind that it is the most common form of gender violence or that it results in significant physical, psychological and social impairment against women, this brutal act seems to be trivialized, accepted and maybe even encouraged. The brutality is so deeply embedded in our history; it has now become, for most affected women, a normal way of life. The crisis of domestic violence is intensified by social and legal constructions of the family as private and popular perceptions of male power as normative. This fuels the universal ideology of male supremacy that bestows on men the obligation and prerogative to chastise their wives. And since widespread communal beliefs allow men the right and obligation to punish women, then the very approach employed to achieve that discipline can be perceived as de-rigueur and necessary to preserve order domestically and by large communally. I’m not suggesting that any one should undermine the importance of the family structure. I’m making the point that a problem arises when that structure always seems to subsist at the cost of the woman’s health and well being. Wife-beating in Nigeria and most of the World has become a social license, a duty or sign of masculinity deeply ingrained in culture, widely practiced, denied and completely or largely immune from legal sanction.

For the victims, their choices are limited due to the very nature of a woman’s role and place in our society. To start off, most women are paralyzed by their economic dependence on their husbands and lack an alternative. Furthermore, most victims are incapacitated by the terror, violence, threat and fear of being ostracized. Even those who reject the abusive relationship may not have too much of a choice because there are hardly any shelters available for victims of domestic violence in Nigeria and the government provides very limited services, legal or otherwise, for these victims. The police offer absolutely no protection and are totally hopeless in domestic violence cases. They tend to rationalize the abuse as discipline, term it as private and normally turn the victim into the accused by accusing her of not being a good wife. So unless a victim is privileged enough to have her own individual support system, she may be fated to a life as a punching bag. Even in a situation where some women have the courage to take their case to court, the protection is lacking. The cases are heard in open court and the defense lawyer has no limits in his cross examination, thus discouraging most women from taking that necessary, bold step.

The occurrence of domestic violence is a problem that implicates not only the aggressor but also our state, society and law. In Nigeria , there are no specific laws prohibiting domestic violence. What we do have applicable in Southern Nigeria is the provision of assault in the criminal code, which makes an assault on a woman a misdemeanor that carries a one-year sentence while assault on a man is a felony and carries a two-year sentence. In Northern Nigeria, the disparity is evident because under section 55 of the penal code, a man is empowered to beat his wife. As this kind of violence against women persists in Nigeria, little to no effective changes are being made to the laws that govern domestic violence against women.

The above clearly shows an example of the legal lacuna that exists and the blatant failure of the state to use its power to deter, punish and prevent violence against women. Regardless of social beliefs and ideologies about gender and family relations, the prospect of prohibiting and punishing domestic violence depends, foremost, on the states willingness and capacity to reform criminal and family laws.

Our societies also have a responsibility to reject and condemn the brutalization and intimidation of women at the hands of family members. But the real responsibility lies with each and every one of us who are adults. Boys are naturally bombarded with all sorts of influences inside and outside the home about how to act in order to be men. They need to know how to behave towards females in any relationship, express their anger, what is fair and how to treat women with respect. Parents need to pick up early signs of brutish behaviour, maybe from the way boys talk about girls to their friends, and most importantly, fathers need to present themselves as good role models. One cannot stress how important it is, especially for a father, to always treat women in a healthy way that young boys can learn from and admire.

If the state does not begin to commit their resources to protect women from violence at home, they fail to assume their responsibility. If the society doesn’t begin to view domestic violence as battery and abuse rather than discipline and punishment, its nature of community is immediately obfuscated. Most importantly, if we, as parents, don’t teach our boys to treat women the way they want to be treated in return, then we have fallen short in our parenting skills.

In my opinion men who beat their wives are simply cowards. Why can’t they pick on their fellow men, someone their own size instead of wrestling a woman whose strength is clearly not akin to that of a man? If we lived in an ideal world, every beaten, confined, intimidated and insulted wife would know that she deserves better and reject the abuse. But unfortunately we don’t and to stop the cycle of abuse, the cooperation of the state, community and parents is needed.

I, for one, consider myself lucky. Apart from the fact that my husband would have my father to deal with if he ever thought of wrestling me, I’ve always known how to reject abuse because even as I write this article, I recall my parents saying; “Hannatu never agree to domestic violence, it’s a private harm and a public shame. If any man ever beats you and tells you that he is doing it out of love; tell him no because love is not supposed to hurt or render you black and, blue.” I only wish my abused sister that I met last week and others all over the world knew the same.

One thought on “What’s love got to do with it?”

A stellar piece of work. You are very correct that parents need to observe abusive behaviour in their children
But i must confess to you that most parents lack that sense of observation.
As a teacher,i know better than them. And i believe the situation is the same in all school.
In order to contro this at early age and stage, i believeschools have roles to play,to enlighten their students on the evil effects of domestic violence.
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