Do you and your partner need to talk about your dry spell?

What we talk about when we talk about realistic sex goals in long-term relationships.

A dry spell when you’re single is a nuisance, but a dry spell when you’re in a relationship can be a bad omen. Right off the bat: If you’re in a committed relationship with someone, you should try to have sex at least once a week. If my sex schedule with my partner dissolved to less than once a week, I’d be concerned. According to a study published in 2016 which analyzed the sex lives of 30,000 Americans, if you bone down any less than that, you’re going to feel bummed out (and horny as hell, probably).

Don’t freak out when sex declines

In a new relationship, before you’ve smelled one another’s farts, cleaned up one another’s snot rags when home with a cold, and settled into nights of delivery food and binge-watching, you’ll have sex a lot. You’ll be convinced that you’re having more sex than any of your friends, and that with this magical new mate you’re a lucky bastard who will be forever laid. You’re not! If you dig someone enough to get serious, eventually your sex frequency is going to naturally decline some, and that’s okay. Don’t start sending 1 A.M. horny texts to exes or secretly swiping on Tinder. If you’ve been with someone for a while and you’re still boning down at least once a week, you’re doing okay. More would be ideal, but gold sex stars for everyone.

Ask Yourself: Do I hate this person or am I just over-worked?

Sometimes, in long-term relationships, you’re going to go a week or more without having sex. This fact alone is not cause for concern—remember all those years you were a virgin?—but the reasoning behind it demands examination. Last week I was bedridden with the flu. I was physically repulsed by my partner trying to kiss me on the mouth (vomit and mucus are not sexy), let alone make love to me. Naturally, just as I was recovering, he caught it. In another instance, I picked up night shifts for a website I was writing for, rendering our work schedules opposite. That also affected our sex life. In both instances, we were still attracted to one another and happy in the relationship: The decline in sex was a matter of circumstance rather than emotion. Shit happens, and if you’re lucky you’ll sync up again soon. However, if you’re not fucking because the thought of connecting body parts with the other person makes you want to barf (and not in the flu way) or gives you a panic attack, it may be time to rejoin Tinder. Just don’t be a jerk about it. Be honest with your partner and end your current relationship before moving on to something new.

Actually, try for more than once a week

TL;DR: Sex in relationships matters. At least once a week is a good rule, but anyone who has ever sailed through the workday on a post-coital high after morning sex knows that one orgasm can go a long way. So try for more. Let’s set a goal of three times a week. The key? Plan and set some time aside. You may have to skip a work happy hour, but you get to do sex!