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Online Articles

McTony Sues Over Napoleonic Slur

Little man, big temper

Diminutive playboy and internet millionaire, Tony McTony, today announced plans to sue LC24 magazine because they had referred to him as Napoleonic. The bling-wearing little man is, he claims, five foot three. Napoleon, his lawyer points out, was only five foot two. Plus Mr. McTony objects to the idea that he has any complexes. He commented, "I am a complex man, but I aint got no complex - why should I when I am perfect? Complexes is for people who want to sleep with their mommas. I mean, I love my moms, but I never went there." We will keep you posted on developments down there.

Dragonbrains On The Sidewalk

Geek rage on increase?

A man in period dress was found literally headless after a brawl outside a Dukes movie theater that was showing the movie Dragonbrain. Fans of the movie franchise often dress as their favorite character from the movie and speak in Middle English. Police say the fans argue over movie minutia within the smallest point of trivia sometimes leading to violent conflict. The assailant in the altercation is still being sought by police, but witnesses say he was dressed in a jester costume and playing a lute when he got involved in an argument with the victim about whether it was a realistic plot point that a dragon could breed with a horse. The argument turned violent with the jester seizing the victim's sword and fatally wounding him. Police are requesting any court jesters in the area to come forward voluntarily so that they can eliminate them from their inquiries.

Kerry McIntosh Demands Refund From Rehab

Star arrested for DUI and possession

Kerry McIntosh was barely 12 steps out of rehab last night when she was arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance, believed to be a small amount of cocaine. Once the police were made aware of Kerry's celebrity status, she signed some autographs and was released with a warning. According to a statement issued by her agent, McIntosh has decided to sue the rehab center in Los Santos, claiming that she is just as messed up as when she arrived four days earlier. Lenny Tinderman, who runs the $60,000-a-night treatment center and is an active alcoholic himself, told reporters, "Miss McIntosh checked out two hours early, against all our advice. If she cannot complete the program, we cannot take responsibility for the repercussions." In a posting on the supermodel's blog, Kerry told fans that she is now on her way to a new rest facility in the Bahamas, "An enema and a game of tennis and I'll be back on track. If I'm going to face my demons, I want to do it with an ocean view."