Why Women Cheat (And How To Stop It)

If you strip away the romance and the complicated societal rules and obligations and general philosophical meandering, humanity’s purpose is very simple: we’re here to ensure the continuation of our genetic lineage. Full stop. Men want to ensure that their own genes are passed along while simultaneously trying to prevent other males from impregnating the same females, thus ensuring that they’re not raising someone else’s child. Women want men whose genes will help ensure that their children will survive to reproduce in turn and who can help raise and protect the child until it reaches maturity. But the ways we have of getting those goals can be tricky. On a strictly reproductive level, men and women both have an interest in having sex with many partners; for men, it helps increase odds of impregnating women with his child while for women, obscured parentage actually encourages a communal responsibility for the child.

And this is without getting into the emotional and social aspects of sex – the use of sex in solidifying communal bonds, the fact that humans are one of three species of mammals that have sex strictly for pleasure, etc.

All of this is a very long-winded way of saying that there’s a scientific basis for the fact that monogamy is hard. So hard, in fact that it’s estimated that somewhere between 30% to 60% of all married individuals in the United States will cheat at least once during their relationships.

Let’s let that number sink in for a minute. Somewhere from between almost a third to over half of all married individuals. And don’t think this is exclusively men; the number of women who step outside of their otherwise monogamous relationships has been rising for the last 20 years.

If you want to prevent your girflriend or wife from straying, then you need to understand why she cheats… and what you can do about it.

Sperm Competition and Pair-Bonding

Before we get started, you should understand something about humans: we’re not designed for monogamy. Literally. Our physiology is predicated on the idea that, evolutionarily speaking, that we’re a promiscuous species. On the male side of things, we’ve evolved many techniques for maximizing our own reproductive chances while minimizing those of our competitors; this is known as sperm competition. When men spend time away from their mates, their sperm count – and libido – increase, the better to overpower any competitor’s own sperm in the case of any infidelity. The human penis is shaped to act as squeegee; the flared head of the glans and tapered shape of the shaft serve to help scrape out competitors’ sperm from one’s mate. Similarly, if a man has reason to suspect infidelity, not only will he thrust more vigorously (thus trying to remove as much unwelcome sperm as possible) but the resulting orgasm will be stronger1 and the ejaculation will be of much higher volume, in order to flush out any remainder of another male.

On the female side of things, there are similarly indications that multiple partners offers an advantage to the mother raising the offspring. In fact, many researchers suggest that women’s sexual vocalizations serve as a sort of mating call, arousing and attracting other men to come and take part as well – helping obscure potential parentage of the child and increasing the community’s investment in the well-being of the infant.

So, again, it must be understood: on a pure, biological level, men and women both are designed with the idea of multiple sexual partners. This isn’t a judgement on whether monogamy is good or bad, or whether it is desirable or not. It just needs to be stated: it doesn’t come naturally to us, and it can be incredibly difficult.

But it’s important to note: biology is a baseline, not destiny. Humans are complex beasts, emotionally; we have sex for many many reasons, not just for reproduction. In fact, as far as such things go, reproduction is actually pretty far down the list. Most of the reasons we have sex have to do with our emotions… and so do the reasons why we cheat on our partners.

Since this blog is concerned with encouraging successful relationships, let’s look at some of the reasons why women cheat on their partners.

Reason #1: She’s Not Being Fulfilled Emotionally

As I’ve said many times before, the half-life of romantic love is six months to a year. After that point, the initial rush of excitement and passion fades, and relationships begin to settle into a calmer, more intimate level. Unfortunately, it’s extremely easy to fall into a rut; what was new has become common place, or even expected. You’re no longer on your best courting behavior, so you’re not as quick or effusive with the compliments as you used to be. You don’t notice her new hairstyle, or that new dress she’s wearing… one that she bought specifically for you. Now that you’re more relaxed and at ease with the relationship, you allow yourself to be more selfish. You don’t devote as much of your time and attention to her and her interests. You come home from a long day at work or class and all you want to do is play Call of Duty for a couple of hours as you decompress; the last thing you want to do is listen to your girlfriend complain about the office politics or the girl in class she feels is always trying to one-up her. Your days together start to blur; it’s a monotonous repetition of wake up, breakfast, work, dinner, sleep, and the only place you take her is for granted. Your conversations are short and superficial, because your attention is elsewhere… maybe even on that cute girl you always see at the Starbucks as you stop for your morning caffeine hit.

And before you know it, your girlfriend is cozying up with that guy from the office with the dreamy eyes. Why? Well, you weren’t meeting her emotional needs… so she went elsewhere to find them.

“You noticed my new lip gloss? TAKE ME NOW!”

How To Stop It:

Women are emotional creatures; feeling not just loved but desired and appreciated is incredibly important, especially in a relationship. Sadly, our society has conditioned them to be deferential towards men, to avoid making men upset or being too demanding or burdensome. As a result, women are far less likely to be upfront about what they need, emotionally. In many cases, they may know they have a need, but be unable to verbalize it, leaving the man confused and the woman frustrated and annoyed.

You need to avoid ruts in the relationship. Routine and familiarity can be numbing, which will in turn leads to boredom… and boredom is the death of relationships. You need to add a certain level of impulsiveness and unpredictability to keep the relationship fresh and exciting.

In addition, you need to remember: communication is key. You need to be emotionally honest with her and be willing to engage her own emotional needs. If she feels that she can’t talk to you about what she needs, if she feels as though that her issues or wants will just be brushed aside or ignored, she’ll start looking for someone who will appreciate her.

Reason #2: The Sex Has Gone Stale

It used to be that the two of you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. If you had a free moment, the two of you would be headed straight to the nearest horizontal surface. Or the nearest broom closet. Or the bathroom. You used to pull her hair and bite her neck, she used to smack your ass like a pissed off nun; she used to bend like a pretzel and you were the undisputed king of oral. There wasn’t a position in the book you didn’t try and a few that you may have invented. The orgasms were fast, furious and all over the place – in all senses of the word. Sex could last for hours. You used to fuck like gods.

And now? Seven to eight minutes of missionary, once a month… twice, if you’re lucky. Half of the time, you’ve found that the only way you can get off is by fantasizing about someone else. Hell, there are times that you’re actively avoiding sex. You never thought you would, but it’s become so mind-numbingly routine and boring that there are times you’d really much rather just browse RedtTube and jerk off instead.

And then one day you come home an hour early and find your best beloved riding your boss like she’s about to win the Triple Crown.

How You Can Stop It

Just as the infatuation of a new relationship fades, the physical passion and desire will ebb and flow. Time, comfort and familiarity can cause desire to recede in any relationship; Billy Bob Thornton once said of Angelina Jolie: “She may be the hottest woman in the world but after enough time, it’s kind of like fucking the couch.”

Now granted, if my couch looked like *that*…

Once again: routine leads to boredom and boredom is the death of relationships… especially boring sex.

Desire will ebb and flow over the years, but if you want to avoid boredom, you have to be an active participant in your sex life. This doesn’t mean moving your hips, by the way. You can’t just expect nothing but a minimum of foreplay followed by a few minutes of missionary or female superior sex to stay interesting for all your life, and just throwing doggie style into the mix isn’t going to cut it either. To start with, change your location. If you’re mostly having sex in the bedroom… get out of bed. Bone on the floor. Bend her over the couch. Fuck in the shower, in the closet… anywhere but the same old, same old.

Don’t underestimate the importance of foreplay; to you it may be what you have to sit through before you get to the good stuff, but to her, it’s important. The more orgasms you can provide – not just through penetration – the more satisified she will be. The more satisfied she is, the less likely that she’s going to step out on you.

While you’re at it, work on your communication skills. Open communication and honesty is absolutely key here. You both need to be able to open up to each other and be honest; if she feels like the sex is getting boring, and she can’t tell you, then she’s going to find herself more interested in other guys… ones who she hasn’t been having the same old sex, over and over again. And don’t forget to be willing to talk about what you actually want. Be willing to explore your fantasies. You may be getting stuck in the sex rut when what you really want is some Principal and Naughty Student action… and she may want you to tie her up and spank her silly but can’t quite bring herself to admit it to you.

Reason 3: You’ve Let Yourself Go

Let’s be honest: when you’re single, you take much better care of yourself than when you’re in a relationship. After all, you’ve gotta compete with all of those other guys out there. You’ve gotta keep your edge! So you watch what you eat, put your time in at the gym. You keep your clothes fresh, stylish and clean, your hair impeccably coiffed and your breath is always minty fresh.

At least, it used to be. Ever since you and your girl became exclusive… well, you’ve gotten a little more comfortable with her and maaaybe you haven’t been hitting the gym quite as often as you should. A few too many snacks, too many romantic dates to your favorite restaurants instead of staying in and cooking have taken their toll on you. But it’s ok… she loves you anyway, and you don’t need to impress her anymore. And hey, you’re not out on the prowl any more so you don’t really need to throw some product in your hair today, right?

Before you know it, you’re not the guy you used to be. You’ve gone up a couple pants sizes and your wardrobe is more “functional” than “fun”. Your hair’s started to go, you’re spending more time in sweats than in suits and a lot more time on the couch than on the treadmill. But hey, it’s not like she hasn’t loosened up a little too, right?

Well, maybe that’ll comfort you when her personal trainer at the gym has been coming for some “extra” sessions, if you know what I mean.

Well, at least she’s getting her cardio in, anyway…

How You Can Stop It:

Well this one’s simple: maintain some standards. Time and age may make mockery of us all eventually, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t put up a good fight. It’s easy to let things slide when you don’t feel the need to impress her anymore or that you don’t have anything to prove… but that’s going to be the exact reason why she’s out looking at Captain HotBuns instead. Keep up with your exercise, eat healthy and maintain your style. In fact, you may want to get her involved; two can work better than one when it comes to trying to keep each other on a healthy lifestyle.

Reason #4: She’s Bored.

Maybe it’s the sex. Maybe it’s the relationship. Or maybe it’s that you don’t offer her the excitement she craves. Maybe you and she have different cultural appetites; you’re TVs and beer, she’s opera and Cabernet Sauvignon. Maybe when you were both young and single she was the wild party girl and you convinced her that it was time to settle down. It may be that she has intellectual needs that aren’t being met and all of your conversations are focused around the Real Housewives of Orange County.

Or perhaps she feels that things have been stagnant – or worse, degrading – for so long that it’s time for a change. And you have to admit, finally “letting” the cute banker at the gym who’s been chatting her up finally take her out is going to be exciting in ways she hasn’t felt in a long, long time.

How You Can Stop It:

I’m sure you can see this coming, but I’m going to say it again: Communication, communication, communication. If you’re sensing a theme here, then good. Both you and your lady need to have full and open lines of communication. If she’s feeling a lack in her life, or if she’s feeling restrained or held back and she feels as though she can’t bring it up to you, then you’re going to have problems.

And while you’re busy listening attentively to what she’s trying to tell you, you need to mix things up. I’m not saying that you have to live a life of constant spontaneity where every day is an unplanned delight, but you should follow the maxim that variety is the spice of life. Engage your intellectual curiosity and make concerted efforts to try new things – or to go back and do older ones you’ve since given up. Settling down doesn’t mean you can’t go out and party; in fact, it should be better. Don’t think of her as your girlfriend or wife when you’re making plans to go bar-hopping or clubbing. Think of her as your partner in crime.

Reason #5: You Cheated On Her

Whether you thought you were in love or you just couldn’t resist the call of the new, the fact of the matter is, you strayed. You stepped out on your woman, you got busted, and now she’s doing the exact same thing to you. You’d appreciate the irony if it didn’t drive a spear through your heart every time you thought about her with another man.

Congratulations genius… now you know how she felt when you did it. She may not be cheating on you as revenge, but you’re going to have to face the fact that you did give her a “get out of fidelity free” card when she didn’t dump your ass right then and there. Now you have a decision to make about how you’re going to respond.

How You Can Stop It:

Do I really have to spell this one out for you?

Reason #6: Some People are Just Bad at Monogamy

She didn’t mean to. It was just a simple friendly dinner with a friend from work when they were out of town closing the sale. But after the third glass of wine his hand was resting on her knee but it was totally harmless, so she just left it there. And yeah, they were snuggled up in the cab back to the hotel. And ok, maybe she did go back to his room with him, but it was just for a quick nightcap. One thing lead to another and… well, look, she’s really sorry, ok?

Just as she was the last two or three times.

That you know about.

This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about you. She honestly does. But the fact remains that she is not the sort of person who can make and keep a monogamous commitment to someone, even someone she loves. Maybe you thought you could change her. Maybe she honestly thought things would be different this time. But they weren’t, and now you have a lot of questions that you need to ask yourself.

How You Can Stop It:

To be perfectly honest… you can’t. There are people who simply aren’t wired for only sleeping with one person at a time, and trying to force them into that particular mold is akin to trying to nail Jello to a tree. The best thing in those cases is for complete and utter honesty up front. If she – or you, for that matter – are the sort of person who honestly isn’t good at monogamy, she has the obligation to her partners to inform them at the beginning... and you have the obligation to listen and take her seriously. You also have to be honest with yourself on the matter of whether you can handle an open or semi-open relationship. You can’t go into a relationship thinking that her attitude or beliefs are just a phase that either she will grow out of or that you can persuade her to drop. You won’t be the first person to try to change her… and with that attitude, you certainly won’t be the last.

With some women, an open relationship is part of the price of entry. She will love you with all of her heart, and she will always come back to you at the end of the day, but there will be other men in her life – physically, if not emotionally – and you have to be able to handle that if you want to be with her. Otherwise the best thing you can do for the both of you is to end things quickly and cleanly and find someone new.

In fact, many couples will deliberately invoke this aspect of human behavior; the stronger, more intense orgasms and heightened libido are part of the appeal for couples in open relationships and men with cuckolding fetishes. [↩]

Genius. ABSOLUTELY GENIUS. I mean, I've never actually cheating on anyone, but there were definitely times where I felt all of these things and -wanted- to cheat on my significant other. There were also times where I just wanted to have sex for the sheer thought that:

"Hey, I've been treated like a sex object… SO I can treat this poor bastard the same way, right?"

Wrong. But it's happened. I felt like that. (As you can see, I FEEL a lot). I once did a report on: Rise of the Nasty Girl. Yes, it was on violence, but this cheating business is the same things. Women who cheat are on the rise and there ARE things to stop it as you, Dr. Nerdlove, had pointed out. If men did this more, women like me wouldn't feel like cheating…Or actually cheat (you "courageous" idiots).

Very cool to see the non-monogamy science and open-relationship communication thrown in the mix. Thanks for sharing!

SheSpeaks

How about Reason #7: You Treat Her Badly. I knew a woman whose husband thought she should sit down, shut up, need little, demand less, and when an ongoing family tragedy made her attempt to lean on him, he was angry, withdrawn, and resentful over an extended period of time. She ended up cheating, and he just figured she was a crazy whore. I'm not sure he ever realized that she was just lonely and desperate for someone to treat her like she mattered.

Confused!

Ok..but what if I want to be monogamous. I hate being unfaithful and the drama it causes. I hate hurting people, but according to this I’m just not wired to be monogamous…and every so often I just feel like I need to do something selfish and cheat on my partner. He’s perfect and has never stepped a toe out of line..I just want to be happy and satisfied with what I’ve got but occassionally I just want something different. Am I just being mean? How do I stop?

Paris

If it’s just someTHING new and not someONE new that you occasionally desire then there are plenty of ways to have something new sexually with your current partner. Just talk about it.

StarChild

I'm exactly the same, I love my other half, he is an angel. But every once in a while I just NEED someone else. We have a great sex life and try hard to keep it new and exciting but there's just nothing that compares to the excitement of an unplanned encounter with a handsome stranger. I so badly want to WANT to be monogamous, but honestly I feel suffocated if I think about never having that excitement again. I have been hoping that I would grow out of it but I don't know if I will. I would love an open relationship but we could not deal with the jealousy. We actually met by being unfaithful to our previous partners, it was supposed to be casual but we fell in love. So this is also a huge concern with playing around. I don't know what I can do…

Sage

u is a ho.
Lucky for you that your other half is just as promiscuous, because any man worth his salt would know at once when you've cheated on him and would ditch your ass. He is not busting his ass for you all day at work to have to tolerate this one second. It's likely that you know that your man will not leave if he found out, because if he did, and your relationship is worth fighting for, you would be a big loser when he left. My point is if your intimate life is great, then you won't get much greater satisfaction by spreading for someone else. you will end up losing what you now have.

StarChild

some good advice there, except for the 'he is not busting his ass for you all day at work..' BS. I earn twice his salary, I busted MY ass to get where I am, he is a well kept guy. The fact that you jump to the conclusion of me being an ungrateful and promiscuous housewife tells me that you're pretty old fashioned and your views on sex probably are too. I know cheating is uncool, but c'mon, it's not the end of the world

Xaoc

Honestly, I feel for you. I have a hard time staying faithful myself. I don't have much advice, just good luck and I hope things work out.

86Aries

I completely understand the whole "independence" and primary bread-winner, etc, etc… good for you. we all know that can change a LOT in a relationship, but means very little. This has nothing to do with old fashion or new… I'm 29. I'm engaged. I struggled with being faithful my entire life. And in a more polite and respectable manner, I will rephrase what was said before… If you love this guy so much… and he's amazing and he's spectacular, never stepped outta line… then you need to be a bigger person and make an ADULT decision. has nothing to do with being oldschool. It has to do with RESPECT. and sometimes loving someone doesn't always have the fairy tale ending… if he's a great guy, even "perfect" if it were ever possible… and you STILL have the desire to sleep with other men…?… Then I say you have 2 and only 2 options. You open up and discuss with him your infidelity (MAYBE you can work on an open relationship) OR you let this guy go… allow him to find someone that ALSO thinks he's amazing – and actually treats him the same in return. HONESTY and RESPECT are the two key words here. You say "cheating isn't the end of the world" … ur very correct. But it IS the beginning to the end of MANY relationships. If you're sleeping around on him and he doesn't know… You very much in the wrong and it's very degrading to any and all aspects of what you find Good in this man. So oldschool and newschool alike can learn from this. There is no right or wrong these days in how ANYONE choices to live their lives or their relationships… but if you're doing something that would hurt your partner, degrade your partner, disrespect your partner… you're doing JUST THAT… HURTING your relationship… and once again a couple can each have mulitple partners of their own IF they are okay with it… but there is NOTHING okay with cheating… I'll wrap it up with this… If you're on here to find some justifications in your actions. Let me be the one to say "YOU ARE IN THE WRONG" if you keep it up… I HOPE he doesn't waste too much time still being hurt by you and eventually find someone that respects him more

Monique

wow super intense and very confusing I recently cheated at work and his wife found out and was blowing up my phone after I asked her to stop I heard rumors about him and I. I’m def uncomfortable to see him . I’m also married and feel like I do it cuz he’s not here emotionally

Sara

Your story is hitting very close to home. Around this time last year I caught my husband cheating on me with his married coworker. I also confronted her and texted back and forth with her til she begged me to leave her alone. We still stayed together because I also found out I was pregnant with our third child the same time I discovered the cheating. Now I’m here with three kids and I feel my heart break everytime I look at my husband. I really hope that you’re not her with a different name. It’s homewreckers like you that ruin other peoples’ lives because you’re unhappy. How about go get some marriage counseling or a divorce instead of hurting innocent people because of your selfishness. It’s whores like you that give women a bad name.

Firas

love u

Kevin

Why is it the man's job to keep the woman from cheating, or the woman's job to keep the man from cheating? if they are in a consensual monogamous relationship, isn't it both parties responsibility to keep from straying?

Kristine

Agreed. It's both parties' responsibility to be faithful. Communication is vital to this. Part of good communication is being aware of your partner's needs, especially if they're telling you what they are, and actually attempting to fulfill them. I don't think he's trying to justify cheating (and I certainly am not as, having been on the receiving end of it, I can attest it's hideously painful and cruel), merely explaining why it's happening in the first place. The important thing to glean from this article is mostly just 'don't take your partner for granted.'

Sage

Simple truth is: if you cheat, then you have accepted that you will leave your lover. If you don't leave because you don't have the guts to, then don't cheat, because you will be causing extraordinary pain and suffering to someone whom you supposedly love. It's better to break up than cheat and stay because partnership and family life are not only about fucking in exciting places and hot new positions, but about building and maintaining a united life. Fate has a funny way of mocking your cheap schemes. Ask someone like me, who's cheated and been cheated on. A sexual betrayal is a betrayal by any other name and you can't live happily ever after with someone you've betrayed or someone who has betrayed you. Needless to say, dr. nerdlove's philosophy on sex-centric life choices is very simplistic and crude and does not stand up to nor describe reality well.

Xaoc

Bull shit. That is a super simplistic view of the world, and totally false. You can love someone and cheat, you can cheat on your spouse emotionally and not physically and it is still cheating. Cheating isn't black and white, attempting to paint it that way will only lead to more cheating. Understanding is our best weapon against the world, and you aren't trying to understand.

Anon

What you said just basically made you a traitor. You care but only yourself. No one wants to deal with treacherous dogs.

Kurt

here here!

Shammy

I cheated on my partner who is the most beautiful thing in the world. I love him with all my heart and we are planning on getting married. I just couldn’t stand the thought of never sleeping with anyone else. My Partner takes anti depressants so he has a very low sex drive, we have sex about once a fortnight if I’m lucky.
I love sex, I always have. It’s empowering And exciting, especially with a fresh face. I feel horrible, but it keeps me happy in my own relationship because if I don’t have sex I get really agitated and fight with him. I’ll never leave him for any of the others I just need to fool around.

Anon

Simple just leave him. You committed a treacherous act between two bonds. You care less about your significant other and chose to throw it away because of your lustful needs. Stay single, leave the poor man alone.

Dudebrah

I know that if I ever saw that my girl said something like this. It would fucking devistate me and I would immediately grow a huge beard and start drinking and just be a damn loner.. and probably eventually kill my self. Ive invested and continue to invest my whole entire life into my family. Reading your comment made my cringe.

You would kill yourself?
That's unstable man… You should talk to someone about this.

Far Cry

I hope you get everything that is coming to you.

Gentleman Horndog

If this is a real comment ("Shammy"?), either have an honest discussion with him about opening the relationship, or just walk the fuck away. You're ill-suited for monogamy. That's fine. What's not fine is refusing to own it, and setting somebody up to be BADLY hurt in the process.

callitwhateveryoulike

Yep, just don't tell him and make sure you use protection. Be careful he never finds out. Sounds like he needs you and what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

callitwhateveryoulike

Actually, millions on millions of couples stay together and sleep around on another. But then again, you already know that.

xyz

So again, all guys' fault. What a load of crap. According to dr NerdLove men are supposed to jump through millions of hoops to appease a bored woman who will threaten to cheat on you on the first jump you fail and will most likely go with it should it happen.

Screw that entitlement…

Rose

Interesting stuff …. I have never cheated on my husband and hopefully he has been faithful too. It would certainly suck if he has !!!

Anyway I have always been curious about having a go with someone else for all the reasons you've listed here; loneliness, lack of moral support, bored! But it takes love and guts to remain faithful especially when he has pissed you off. May be I am old fashioned, but I think we have lost touch with family values and what it means to be a married couple. Vows are sacred and are meant to be honoured.. I try to think of those vows every time I feel like cheating. Stop staying around persons who cheat and talk about how great it was or how much you are missing out… Lets lead by example and stop being narrow minded and selfish. We do have kids to think about… I can't imagine passing on the street and seeing 5, 6, 7 different men that I have fucked.. that should be embarrassing.

Anon

You did the right thing. Staying faithful is important and you got that. Kudos.

Kurt

I've been Married four 13 years, have two children. Staying true to the course I have done. It is totally possible to stay true to another person, it takes two to do that. I believe the answer is will power. Sounds like you have it.

Bert Staers

Why is the man’s responsibility to take care of all those women problems? You should rewrite the article giving women suggestions on what THEY should do if they start having these problems to improve their relationship instead of cheating. These problems occur naturally in relationships, but it takes a scumbag to cheat because of these problems.

xyz

Exactly.

And if there are problems, best solution is…

drum roll…

to talk to your partner about it first and see what they have to say about the issue. If they deny or don't put any effort to rectify it, by all means, leave.

But if someone decides "screw all that, I have issues in relationship, so I am entitled to a screw with another guy", they can go to hell as far as I am concerned.

Prince Chidambo

Thisw is a great place

Prince Chidambo

My woman cheated on me we breakup,but now I’m back with her again.is. It a good idia?pls help

Nick

Very bad. My now fiance….I found out in June of this year she was cheating on me all of last year. Live chats with random guys. Sending pics to ex boyfriends. Sex with ex boyfriend. And sex with one of her employees. Truthfully I thought after a while I would forget and move on. It’s been over six months and I still can’t think of anything but it and the pain never lessens. I feel letting go would be too hard which is why I’m still with her….But I personally think it’s impossible to have a happy relationship with her ever. I’m very sorry it happened. But I can promise you will never be happy again in your life if you stay with her. I know I never will.

Remington

LEAVE HER. You're torturing yourself and it's going to destroy you. LEAVE HER NOW. Be single, get over it, meet new people and over time meet a woman who respects you.

I'm very sorry for you. I hope you do the right thing and live a happy life with someone who loves you.

Joe Smith

Leave her ASAP… both these guys know whats up.. I tried to make it work and she hasn't cheated on me again BUT it still is horrible

Johannes

Oh what a sad thing , being cheated on

Kevin

To hear that cheating has somehow become a favorite hobby or past time is extremely saddening. As crazy as it is I have to say HONESTY is the best policy. If two people in a relationship can sit down communicate what their wants and needs emotionally, spiritually, and physically are, then they don't have to be the same. If you don't open your mouth and speak up then you can't get offended or angry when they do what they say. If you got problems and character defects speak on them to your partner. If your partner truly loves you, although still polyamorous, then they will reach out a hand of love, compassion, and respect, not a hand out, increasing the loss of self worth, self respect, and dignity. If exploited for there shortcomings and character defects, I FEEL that's abuse and you might as well as pick up baseball bats and beat on each other. If accepting of your partner despite your own beliefs then you can't cry about it later. Super crazy situation here, "Uhhh… Babe I need to tell you, I wanna fuck other people" Super adult way to deal with it, Option 1: that makes me uncomfortable I can't do this and we need to go separate ways before we destroy one another. Option 2: Ok I can honestly handle that. By being honest you may not get the response you hoped for but you respected your partner by giving them a choice and letting their voice be heard on the subject at hand, instead of assuming you already know the answer. If you part ways yes it will hurt, but that's love because you know the insanity that would have entailed May have possibly destroyed you both. If they are accepting and believe me no matter what you think they probably will make peace with it, DO NOT, DO NOT, come fresh off of a sexual encounter of any kind and try to be physically intimate with your significant other!!! It's disrespectful, rude, and just NASTY!! Stay hygienically clean and let your partner do the same. The other half needs to respect that too, so no yelling about their lack of sexual clean time in the grocery store or at all. Respect and Communication are Key, Our Hearts are the locked boxes, Sex is like Dynamite to open them, Never going to get all the goods because we're missing something when we only rely on physical intimacy…………….LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So for all those out there….. Keep It Real, For Real!!!!!

mk

I cheated for all the reasons stated in the article.. I fell in love too and after a year and a half am trying to get out of my affair. I am afraid to leave my marriage and afraid to continue the affair. I never imagined my life would go down this path. I feel trapped and confused. I love all parties involved but my actions are selfish and unloving.

Joe Smith

Honesty is the best policy. If you feel like cheating you should talk about it. Getting cheated on f*cks with you…lemme tell ya

To the men who think they should not be jumping through hoops and what not., this is the Bottom line… If you cater to your woman and her needs, by listening, changing up tour game , complimenting and paying attention to her, otherwise ,make her feel important , the chances of her going somewhere else are almost none. Talk to her , surprise her , sing to her ,notice her. If you really love her and you want the same from her , then you have to be selfless , understanding and honest with her…. suck it up or just suck.

What I have experienced from both sides of cheating (learned the hard way… I mean stupid way) is the true seed of cheating stems from you telling yourself, “I need to get what I deserve and I’m afraid I am stuck forever.” And this thought always revolves around looking for ways to make yourself feel good right now.

This is obviously a HUGE THREAT and PROBLEM to many relationships. First, your relationship hits a rut (boredom, several disagreements, too much time apart due to work, -there are many other scenarios-.). After going through this for a while you begin to think, “I don’t like what’s happening and I’m afraid this is as good as it gets. It will always be like this.” So rather than realize these LULLS IN THE RELATIONSHIP ARE NORMAL and actively seek ways to get things back on track, you panic and look for other alternatives.

That’s when “Mr. or Ms My Angel Has Arrived to Save Me” (speaking sarcastically of course) comes into your life and you start to justify why you should spend more time with them based on the “It’s my life and I deserve to feel good,” reasoning combined with the thought, “Maybe my current husband or wife is just not the right one for me.” So as long as you focus on your own emotional needs at that moment and don’t recognize that ruts in relationships are NORMAL you will be susceptible to cheating.

Robert

I was recently cheated on, and learned some things about what to do and what not to do and pass them on to you if you have or suspect your girlfriend has cheated. First don't let her know what you know (I will explain why later) most of us just feel pain and anger and say "you did this, and that, and how could you, and you betrayed me, and I know about this and that etc…) when you do this you are setting yourself up, you have just played all of your cards and you have two choices 1. leave and don't look back or two, stay….If you stay then she knows exactly how you found out, that you were in her e-mail, a friend told you etc a and of course they always promise I will never do it again, he did not mean anything to me, I love you not him etc….But she lied to you and betrayed you so that means she is a lier and unfaithful you can take her back but don't do it without a way to find out, and let her know next time it is over no matter what and stick to it, then use all the things you did not tell her, like you know the password to her e-mail account, you know his phone number and can view her call records and text messages on her cell phone. And then wait because usually they will not re-offend immediately they know you are activly watching their every move, give them room to hang themselves, give them space, freedom act and tell them that you forgive them even though it hurts and then as soon as possible act like everything is as it once was try to put them in a comfort zone. after a few weeks start doing your home work, don't jump to conclusions but be clear and concise about what you do. If you find nothing periodically check up once a month for a year. If you catch them again then be gone my friend trust me it is better to be alone then it is with someone like this. After a year every 3 months or so check up on them and so on…..DO NOT DEPEND ON THEM TO KEEP THEIR WORD I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN remember we have already established they are a lier.

John Holmes

When I was living in the city and had an active social life, I hung out with a lot of ultra handsome guys. We hung around a large social crowd. More that one type of crowd as well. Young professionals as well as music scene types. I can't tell you how often a girl who had a boyfriend made advances toward myself or my friends. There is no fucking way I would trust 2/3rds of the WHORES that live on this planet. That's why I'm still single. They're mostly just wild animals manipulating and living in the now, void of principle or respect.

I can't tell you how often I've seen a guy who had a girlfriend make advances on a beautiful girl. Should I conclude that 2/3 of men are vicious assholes who are wild animals manipulating and living in the now, void of principle or respect? Please advise.

den rey

I know my wife cheated. Lots of times. Only denial comes out her mouth. I justcameout of jail and i know she did what she had to do. Wtf should i do if I wanna do good with her.?

TeganL

Thinking realistically, it would not be an easy thing for her to admit to you. Unless you have proof, you may be better off just keeping it to yourself.

The advice in the article is a good place to start. Now that you're able to be there with her physically, consider this a new starting point for being there for her emotionally. You'll both be happier because of it.

Start new with everything. Make this a time for you to rediscover your sexual desires with her. Let it be your second honeymoon.

WynneL80

"she used to smack your ass like a pissed off nun"

Dammit, Doc, now I'm all flushed. I'll have to remember that phrase for future use, whispered in his ear: "Tonight I'm going to smack your ass like a pissed off nun…" 😉

Jake

You will understand that people LITERALLY mean "DESTROY" YOU if you stay and try work it out with her.
Its like some business models, ok so you overlooked somethings and its drowing, its to know when to cut your losses. Its called SUNK COST in the business parlance.

I stayed long enough to know how worse it can get.
Move out and make sure you move to an area in the city where there are lots and lots and lots of single women in your age-group around. I am not saying that you will find solace in getting any of those women, I am saying you will find solace in constantly being reminded that they are around and there is life ahead.

Its a deep cut. Just know you are not alone and that you can't see the future ahead for you because you are on the other side of the hill. Start walking up it, keep walking up it, you will get to the top finally and then see the vision ahead of you – Thats the problem right now for you. When we dont have hope, a future vision, it is a desolate empty abbys, like dying and knowing you are dying.
Could you ever trust again? Well leave it to any woman who wants to win you to trust her to see if that can be done. You know you won't be volunteering again for it.

I have recently been cheated on by my fiance, I found her out 2 months before the wedding and as far as I know it was just a couple of guys but it was also in my car and home with my kids in bed whilst I was on my stag do, this had been going on at least a couple of weeks Thats all the proof I have. We have 2 children together and I took 2 of her kids on also.

This was unprotected sex every time and when I returned from my stag do we had sex and she asked me to perform oral sex on her which I did as I was unaware at the time. Both these rats are criminal scumbags and I just cannot see the appeal I’m still in shock.

My fiance has hinted it was my fault which I immediately shot down. She is wonderful now and can’t do enough for me it’s like a dream that has come at an ultimate price. I can’t rest with her emotionally as I don’t trust her motives with anything she does.

She wants counciling but I think that may be brainwashing for me to accept the unacceptable, my friends and family have distanced themselves from me now and I feel like I’m breaking up a family by leaving her. Any advice much needed thanks x

LordAzazel

Well… I'm sorry for asking a cliche, but it's still an important question: what do you want?

1) Continue with her. First get STD tests. Counseling is a good option in this case. You want to learn to trust her again. Making arrangements so that this can never happen again will be stifling and pointless. If she wants to cheat, she will find a way again. Better to reach an understanding why she was unhappy (it doesn't forgive her cheating, but if she's unhappy it's still good to solve that problem), and work on your communication that when she's unhappy again she tells you without going behind your back. Try to quench any revenge/punishment fantasies. If you want to continue with her, you have to be the better man and forgive it all. Relationships never got better after "righteous" punishment, however human it is to want that. I'd still blow off the wedding, or make her sign a prenup. It's one thing to forgive, another to trust her entirely.

2) Leave. Arm yourself with a lawyer. Fight for your kids. Don't let yourself be convinced it's pointless, or it would be better for them if she had them all. If you want them, you have a right to them. Any proof of cheating will come in handy here. If you go this route I'd suggest going noncontact. Breakups are painful, you don't have to expose yourself to any of that. Use your lawyer as a proxy.

Jess

I think these are extremely wise choices. I'm really sorry for your situation and I hope you are able to come to a resolution you can live with.

In one instance, when woman/man cheats, ones, twice, she becomes promiscuous, some elements of her brain is becomes overflow at of period of time with chemical elements at her moments of over excitement and losing her serotine, losing her mind over it. And then women/man gets craves to do it and have more.

I'd say it depends on the track record. People mess up. You say it's happened twice? The first time did you find out and talk about it and she also promised never to do it again? If so it's likely it'll happen again as she's already broken the promise once.

However, if you just figured out about it and had a talk about it it's possible she means what she says. However, you shouldn't just stay with her because she cries and you feel bad. You should stay with her because you love her and want too. If you are staying just because you feel bad then that is the wrong reason. I personally wouldn't want to stay with someone that cheated twice. It might be different if we were married but you have no oath, children, or responsibility with her at this point. You should stay because you want to. No other reason is good enough.

Never been cheated on Doc, but thanks for the advice on assuaging the temptation in my relationships. I will make sure not to fall into the typical behavior that leads down the road to cheating.

TeganL

To men who are upset that this article sounds like it's blaming men, consider not taking this only at face value.

I don't know if the author has writter a similar article about why men cheat, but I think it's safe to say his advice would be similar. It's advice to prevent cheating and to make a great relationship between you and your partner.

If you've been cheated on multiple times and want it to stop in future relationships, then there's some things for you to keep in mind. Maybe you aren't doing a good job of being a good partner in your relationship. It doesn't mean you deserve to be cheated on, but it's a bit of psychology to say here, this is maybe why that happened.

We should all strive for self-improvement throughout life. Women who cheat, men who cheat, and those who could have been better spouses can all stand to improve themselves. And when you become the best you can be, you're more likely to attract the best you can get. And when you maintain that for yourself, you inspire your partner to continue to be their best as well. And then you're able to maintain a happy relationship where neither of you are so tempted by cheating.

It is not your fault if you have been faithful but have been cheated on. It is the cheaters fault, always, and it is up to them to work through their infidelity. But if you don't want a partner who is tempted to cheat on you, whether they have the guts to do it or not… Or if you just want an extremely happy relationship, you might keep these points in mind.

This article is fucking stupid.
You DON'T cheat.
No matter what it is. Even if the other has cheated on you, just leave.
Although this article is trying to /prevent/ cheating, it's still in a way justifying cheating and making it sound like it's okay.
Unless you're dating a whore, your girl/guy should remain faithful to you no matter what. And if things aren't the same anymore, then you work at it, communicate, if it isn't getting better then leave. Find someone who will make you happy.
Don't be a fucking slut. This all goes for girls AND guys.

GilG2u

Indubitably old chum.

callitwhateveryoulike

Women cheat for the same reason men do. They really, really like sex and they are not wired up to be monogamous. That's it. They used to be forced to lie about it, that's all. But anyone paying attention to sperm wars and DNA paternity testing already knew that women cheat. A lot. And always have. People invent all sorts of reasons for this. But it's simply a biological drive.

The reason women's clitorises have all those thousands of nerve endings is only and simply for pleasure, nothing else. Don't listen to the nonsense they try to tell you about it being hard to make a woman orgasm. Friction on clitoris = orgasm. It's that simple. Women are mulIti orgasmic to encourage them to be polygamous. We used to travel around in groups, like bonobos our nearest primate cousin still do, and our female ancestors would go from one male to the next. That way, none of the males knew which baby was his, so they all had a hand in protecting them.

Read the book by Daniel Bergner, What Do Women Want. 7 years of scientific research, including using plethysmographs, to finally and scientifically prove what we have known all along. Women not only love sex, they are not naturally monogamous, and they may be even more sexual than men. It is possible to be monogamous, but very diffcult for women, they have to choose to no longer have much of a sex drive around their partner after about 2-3 years, since they are hard wired to no longer be particularly responsive to their mate after that.

Bottom line, if she says she doesn't want sex, she means with you. Sorry.

If they cheat on you, remember this – how you feel after the initial reaction is a choice. You choose to either feel miserable in a sick perverse way of trying to stay attached to the person in question. Or you deal with it slowly and rationally, never running away from it. It is THIER irrational behavior that makes you decide to choose to feel badf. It is THIER selfishness that you must learn to combat with your own personal selfishness called…. 'forgiveness' – I know some of you are like oh god a tree hugger, a free lover, a forgiver – oh hhhhheeeeeeelllllllllll no…

Forgiving someone is one of the most selfish acts you can do. It doesn't help them in any way because they either don't give a shit that you forgive them, expect that you forgive them, or will see your forgiveness as an open door to the same behavior. Forgiving them lets you stop caring about the situation that hurt you, and care about yourself. Quit beating them and yourself up in your mind. Take deep breaths and let out the poison and be happier all around. It shows and you will be amazed at how much forgiving someone can get you not what you necessarily want, but what you need for sure.

drivinsouth65

I had a terrible time with jealousy with my wife until I was castrated; now she fucks every guy in town and I don`t care.

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011