Writing and What Have You by Robert Nathan

Style No. 22: To Whom It May Concern

(First time here? Click to find out what’s going on, or read the original anecdote in the margin.)

Dear Sir or Madam,

I feel it is my duty to inform you of certain facts that have come to my attention which may be of concern to you. Some of them, I regret to say, may be psychologically perturbing, and so I must for your benefit suggest you be seated before continuing.

They pertain in the first instance to a boy whose flagrant display of colour was already a cause for concern to public order — I’m sure you can understand I do not wish to mention the colour specifically so as not to offend your delicate sensibilities. This was, however, only the preliminary offence, for there was also an incident involving a wind instrument that shall go unnamed for the sake of decency.

On top of this, a second individual, similarly attired in scandalous fashion, was engaged in dubious ocular activities with regards to the congregation located some distance before him. He was equally committing limb-based horizontal activities of which the authorities would do well to take note.

These distressing facts would themselves have merited this scriptorial intervention, yet I fear there is more. As I observed the activities of these two suspicious characters, a lady advanced in years and with a deranged physiognomy passed by, and I dare say she had illicit items stowed within her skull-oriented garments. I was, needless to say, deeply affronted, and reached immediately for my pen to notify the authorities of these happenings.

Yet before completing this message I was interrupted by a supplementary shocking event: behind these three questionable individuals I took cognizance of a stern man who — in the presence of young children and various ungulates — was looking knowingly the other way.

I hope you have not been unduly scandalized by the contents of this letter. I could not in good conscience, however, withhold these incidents from you. I trust you will grasp their import and take appropriate action in the interest of social stability and public decorum.

I look forward, distinguished sir or madam, to hearing from you in regards to these distressing facts.

To Whom It May Concern, I feel it is my duty to inform you that the Dutch have confected an elaborate system of canals of which the authorities should take note. In the interest of public order, I photographed this example in 2011.

Hey everyone! Thanks for reading. Only 77 styles to go… As always, feel free to drop me a line in the comments — I’d love to hear from you 🙂