Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

Spartacus: Razzle Dazzle ‘Em

Could I add another homoerotic element to the great, greasy manscape of Spartacus: Blood and Sand? I think I can. So brace yourself for an extended musical theater metaphor, my dears.

The night kicks off with everyone rehearsing for auditions in the Colosseum’s production of Vulcanalia, which for our purposes is a gladiatorial reimagining of the classic Broadway play Chicago. Spartacus suits up and heads to the ludus gymnasium where everyone is paired up, each gladiator vying for the role of Roxie Hart or Velma Kelly. Spartacus quickly angers their acting coach, Doctore, as he forgets the routine and instead of kick-ball-changing he kick-pivot-punches his Velma in the face, knocking him to the ground. Doctore gives a stern lecturing and trips him, before praising the work of Crixus, Capua’s number one leading man. Everyone’s sure Batiatus will choose Crixus to play Velma, but who will be Roxie? Time for an acting montage!

Batiatus is fretting in his office over production costs and craft services for the cast party. Xena Lucretia at first causes me to go into a panic when she shows up early the episode with her scarlet locks dyed blond. After dropping a few gasping “duhwhats” it’s made clear that she’s only wearing a wig to impress Ke$ha. What a relief. Does it ever work out for the better when a popular redhead dyes her hair blond so she can fit in with her heiress friends?

In the mess hall, it’s revealed that Barca keeps a pet pigeon. Goldilocks tells a story of how the bird keeps him grounded as an Every Man after having to kill his entire village being nominated for a record 16 Oscars. In his day they called him a legend. By our standards, we’d consider this wild-eyed, unkempt man in a loincloth carrying a feathered rat a crazy person. But to each his own, right Bird Lady from Home Alone 2?

Up on a balcony, Xena Lucretia is having her handmaiden try on cheap emerald necklaces for her. She finally picks one and calls her away. Crixus is down below and pauses to catch a glimpse of her before she leaves. I think Capua’s Ronnie has found his Sammi!

Back in Emoting 101, Spartacus drops character and tightens his wife’s purple ribbon to his wrist. Doctore stops everyone and lectures him again. Spartacus tries to reason with him, but Doctore finds his comments snide and says “Acting! I’ll give you acting!” before urinating in front of him and pushing Spartacus into it. I’m grossed out but the entire crowd of gladiators is impressed and give Doctore an honorary Golden Globe for Special Peefects. Hey, Crixus, Xena Lucretia would like to see you now!

In a dark hallway, Crixus meets the handmaiden and charms her with the sweetest line I’ve ever heard: “It’s no easy task to sever a man’s head, you must find the right angle.” She’s unimpressed, however, and sends him on his way. Clearly she doesn’t understand romance. Off he goes to Xena Lucretia’s chamber, where she offers him her body in exchange for the roles of Roxie and Velma. Crixus accepts her offer but knows he can’t do it alone. They still need to find their Roxie.

Still trying to get these kids up to a Broadway standard, Doctore once again gets into a war of words with Spartacus. Rather than trip him or crack his whip in slo-mo one more time, Doctore tosses Spartacus and Varro in a Rancor pit. That is if pit means, well, pit and Rancor means mudgoop. Varro is upset with Spartacus because he wants to be taken seriously and not end up as a bit player on Two & A Half Men. They remind each other why they got into this business (their wives), and decide to hone their craft together.

This camaraderie is halted when the cast list is finally released. Crixus, of course, gets the role of Velma and a nobody-with-a-lot-of-potential is chosen as Roxie. Spartacus and Varro are mad they’ve been cast as backup dancers and decide to work together and take out everyone else who was cast above them, starting with the chosen Roxie. At gym class, Spartacus mocks and teases the up-and-comer for using a net as his weapon and tells him he looks like a little girl for using it. THANK YOU, SPARTACUS, NETS ARE THE WORST! This causes a bit of ‘roid rage and he charges Spartacus like a hippo. Sparty dodges him and the guy slams headfirst into a wooden post. Doctore rushes up and panics because they stupidly forgot to choose an understudy and the cast party is tonight! Oh no!

Spartacus and Varro sit together in the group dressing room and try to figure where they go from here. They’ve taken out only one person and already Varro is afraid they’ve aroused suspicion. It’s too late to decide anything as Doctore steps in and tells everyone to get dressed, the cast party is about to kick off and their public awaits!

At the cast party, Crixus is doing to a meet and greet with his fans when Batiatus comes in with the local stage critic. The man’s a bit unethical as Batiatus offers to buy him off for a favorable review. After getting a chance to hold Crixus’ sword (“it struck down Tiberius Decimus!”), the crooked man agrees! Hooray for the Capua Foreign Press! Xena Lucretia is walking around in her sad little blond wig alongside Ke$ha who is very unimpressed with her last season emeralds. Xena Lucretia tries to convince her that they’re making a comeback but Ke$ha ain’t buyin’ it. Oh, honey, maybe you should stick to doing unintelligible ads for Fornarina.

Batiatus calls the rest of his gladiators into the festivities where the women’s eyes and hands quickly fall on the broad shoulders of Spartacus. This elicits an idea in him to have Spartacus take over as Roxie and he shares this thought with Doctore. Doctore reminds him that the people expect solid performances and that Sparty is still too unpolished for the stage. Batiatus is too quick to agree and decides momentarily that it’s not quite Sparty’s time to shine. His mind is quickly changed when as he’s announcing who will be performing in the Vulcanalia, Spartacus attacks Crixus. After getting the two to stop, Batiatus notices the crowd once again being captured by Spartacus’ charisma. Batiatus makes one last change of plans and finally chooses his Roxie! Spartacus has a world full of ‘Yes’!

Xena Lucretia, after berating Batiatus for his rash decision, sends her handmaiden to find more wine. The handmaiden is startled when Crixus hand rests on her shoulders and she drops the wine to the floor. That’s two strikes now, Crixus. He apologizes for scaring her and also for the way he spoke to her earlier. I suppose that makes up for everything, especially as he offers to destroy the evidence of the broken wine vase. He then sweeps her off her feet as he hands her a gift wrapped in dirty looking linens. It’s a necklace! And not a cheap looking emerald one either. My word, is Crixus turning into a big meaty sweetheart or what?

There’s suddenly an unprovoked, minor backstory about Doctore taking on a ten-foot tall man in the arena and being the only one to survive doing so. If this has anything to do with jazz hands and a tap dance, I have no idea because Doctore interrupts the story and tells everyone to go to sleep. Big day tomorrow, big day. Why would they even bring it up? What did that have to do with the last 45 minutes of drama that just happened? I have no idea, and neither does Spartacus! Gladiators just enjoy stories that pertain to nothing! Arrrrgh, muscles!

Opening night finally comes and Spartacus stands left of the stage, calming his nerves by having a chat about his wife with Varro. Up in the balconies, Batiatus and Xena Lucretia join the rest of Capua’s high society as the horns begin to play “All That Jazz.” May the prancing begin!

Crixus and Sparty join each other in the arena as Batiatus announces the show. Spartacus gets too antsy and begins the show a step too early. This angers Crixus and the whole production just falls apart as they forget their entire choreography and it turns into a sword swinging cat fight. The crowd erupts with cheers and Bob Fosse mourns his masterpiece. Crixus is amused by Sparty’s actions but tries to end it all quickly by cracking Sparty in the back with his shield and sending him to straight to the ground. He removes his bobbed wig momentarily and calls for the applause of the audience. Spartacus gets back up and the two decide to skip straight to the encore. Crixus begins to grow bored and soft shoes Sparty in the face before knocking his helmet off with his sword. Before Crixus can kill Spartacus and make this a one-man show, Spartacus submits and throws up two fingers, signaling Batiatus to drop the curtain. Spartacus didn’t gain many fans for his weak performance, as the boos he received from the audience outweighed the roses that were tossed his way. The only fan amongst the crowd is Doctore, who tells him later in his dressing room to try out for their next production, A Midsummer’s Night Dream. He and I think he’d make a great Puck.

I have few words for what just transpired aside from the odd way they shared the back stories of Doctore and Barca. I mean, come on. When you boil it down, they literally just went “Oh look, Barca’s holding a pigeon. That reminds me, he killed everyone in his village and it almost drove him mad.” What? Really? That’s how you’re gonna tell me that? No wonder we avoid crazy people in parks. I actually like knowing less about where the characters came from and who they were before they came to the ludus. Doctore even said it himself at one point in the episode, that nothing about who they are or where they came from matters anymore. What matters is that they’re gladiators now and how they proceed from here on out. So maybe the should stick to that. Show the characters as they are now begin to evolve into more three-dimensional people rather than drop information about them without rhyme or reason. It’s cool seeing Crixus evolving from the crazed, bloodthirsty meatball that he is, into this caring guy with an eye and heart for a delicate handmaiden. I wouldn’t have pegged him for someone who would even understand this odd concept of love. I guess what I’m saying is a little backstory doesn’t hurt, obviously, but just tossed in out of nowhere is a little off putting, especially when the episode isn’t explicitly about a particular character (*cough*Doctore*cough*). But, please, Starz, don’t be shy about giving me a Doctore centered episode, because he is quickly becoming my favorite character. Crazy whip-snapping and all.

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.