This two-level, two-bedroom,
two-bath condo at 84 Levant Street has great views from the top level,
and the agent turns out to be my old friend Daniel Morrison.
danielm@sfpru.com.
It's only $1,095,000. Click to
view the property.

This is the living room of the
spectacular home at 438 Roosevelt Way. It's two bedrooms, two and a
half baths, plus media room, for $2,995,000. The glass and steel stairs
and catwalk are interesting, and the view is wonderful. Click
for more photos and details.

Sarah Silverman movie Jesus Is Magic on Comedy Central: "I
was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis when I thought, 'My God, I am
turning into my mother." "I was raped by a doctor, which is so
bittersweet for a Jewish girl." "My seven-year-old niece came out
as a lesbian. I don't know if she even knows what a lesbian is. But my
sister punished her, can you believe it? No pussy for a week." "When
God gives you AIDS make lemonAIDS." "I see these hunger commercials
with these skinny little kids with huge swollen bellies. Two years old,
and they're already eight months pregnant." "When I was a teenager I
went out with my father's best friends. So embarrassing, my father
having a 14-year-old best friend." "The closest I've come to waxing my
asshole is once when I had it washed and styled." "My niece said Hitler
killed 60,000,000 Jews, and I corrected her. It was 6,000,000 Jews. She
said, 'What's the difference?' I told her, 60,000,000 is unforgivable."

Tuesday Night, September 4 (All were
in reruns Monday on Labor Day.)

Jay Leno: "Hey what do you think of this? The British government had
finally given approval for scientists to mix human and animal DNA. Or
as they call that in the South, Saturday night." "They say there’s a
hot new fashion accessory in Hollywood now: Fake nipples that women
wear that poke through their shirt. Well, finally a way for women to
get men to look at their breasts." Headlines: On menu: "Grilled bay
scallops wrapped in prostitute."

Dave Letterman: ""Over the weekend, Sen. Larry Craig resigned from
the Senate. He said he’d like to spend more time not being gay."
"President Bush was in Iraq for eight hours . . . nice to see he has an
exit strategy." "It's Fashion Week in New York. This morning my cab
driver introduced a new fragrance." "Did I mention that I'm Labor
Dave?" Guest Bill Clinton: "In Africa I watched female lions kill a
warthog while the male lions lay there and watched. I hope it's a view
of my own future."

Conan O'Brien: "In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina
Jolie would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story and
said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for
Chinese.'”

Jimmy Kimmel: "Because of the heat, this morning Gov. Arnold
Schwarzenegger announced an emergency statewide wet T-shirt contest. In
L.A. we're largely made of plastic, which melts." "Idaho Sen. Larry
Craig announced his resignation on Saturday. If I was Larry Craig,
here’s what I’d say: 'I’m not gay, but my feet are.'"
Wednesday Night, September 5

Dave Letterman: "Larry Craig now says he may stay on in the Senate,
now that he's seen the new fall crop of pages." "There’s a taxi
strike in New York City. The drivers are refusing to use new
technology. Deodorant. The taxi drivers planned a rally today on 14th
Street. They couldn’t find it."

Jay Leno: "No one's seen Senator Larry Craig for several days. He's
rumored to be on a fishing trip in the mountains of Wyoming with an old
buddy."

Thursday Night, September 6

Dave Letterman: "The taxi strike has people complaining they're
having to share rides. Same complaint they had during the hooker
strike." "Did you hear about the new George W. Bush Think Tank? It
only has a shallow end."

Jay Leno: "Now there's news Chines condoms are defective. Is that a
surprise, a country with a billion people can't make a condom?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "I'm staging a protest. I'm not going to have gay sex in
a public bathroom until Larry Craig is cleared."
Friday Night, September 7

Joel McHale on The Soup: "You owe me $200, Apple, and I don't want
store credit." On Jerry Lewis's "illiterate faggot" comment on his
telethon: "Just because one hustler couldn't find your house doesn't
mean all gay people are illiterate."

Dave Letterman: "Fashion Week is over in New York. All the supermodels
are being stuffed into cardboard tubes and mailed back to Milan." "Senator
Craig
says he's resigning again. Somebody will have to fill his seat.
Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place?"

Jay Leno: "An attractive woman was
kicked off Southwest for being too provocatively dressed. They couldn't
take off, because none of the men could get their tray tables down."
"Paris Hilton wants to get pregnant. She's tired of just going through
the motions."

Monday, Septermber 10

On The Daily Show Rob Cordory was in a mensroom stall at the
Minneapolis airport explaining the gay sex code: "If you're wearing
wingtips you're married. Socks with sandals, this is your first time."

David Letterman: "There's a new bin Laden video. In it he condemns U.S.
corporations and globalization, and he also says he thinks Tina Fey
looks better in glasses." "You know who got into a fistfight at the
MTV awards, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson's other two boobs."

Jimmy Kimmel: "There was a fight at the MTV Awards. Tommy Lee tripped
Kid Rock with his penis."

Wednesday, September 12

Jay Leno : "I understand this whole situation has made Britney Spears
kids very nervous. Because of the way her performance went the other
night, the kids are afraid that she might quit show business and become
a full time mom."

Dave Letterman: "How about that Sen. Craig? He wants to withdraw that
guilty plea. And I’m thinking, 'What he should have withdrawn was his
foot from that other guy’s stall.'”

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, Gen. Petraeus testified before the Senate
for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period,
Sen. Craig took 73 bathroom breaks." "Britney was photographed without
her panties again. She said, 'I'll worry about my underwear after I
figure out what I did with my kids.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "There was a Monday night football double–header with
Mike Ditka doing commentary. [Video of Mike Ditka grabbing his crotch.]
You can see clearly the illegal use of hands. There might be a little
'holding' too, I don’t know."

Craig Ferguson: "I'm not going to pay $3.99 a minute for phone sex.
That would be a dollar every time."

Thursday, September 13

Samantha Bee on The Daily Show: "Why should Americans have to
learn Arabic? Isn't that what the Army has all those gay translators
for?"

Jay Leno: "The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England
Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping the opposing
coaches and stealing their hand signals. This could turn out to be the
worst scandal involving hand signals since Sen. Larry Craig got caught
in that men's room."

Dave Letterman: "Gorillas are almost extinct. Today the Governor of
California was put in a captive breeding program."

Top Ten Things Billy Bob Thornton Would
Like To Say To America
7. "It's not easy being the most famous guy on the planet named Billy
Bob"
6. "I based my character in 'Sling Blade' on Letterman"

Guest Fred Willard: "Blind prostitutes,
you really have to hand it to them."

Craig Ferguson: "Not a great day for the rock star Sting. He was
photographed leaving a brothel in Germany. He may have to change the
name of his song to 'Message in a Brothel.'" "The city of Los
Angeles has named a whole city block after Larry King. You know you’ve
made it when you get part of the city named after you: John Wayne
Airport, Johnny Carson Park, Ryan Seacrest Closet.

Friday, September 14

Dave Letterman: "The last letter written by Davy Crockett is being
auctioned. It was a love note to Joan Rivers." Fun Facts: "In the 1980s
NASA spent over $2 billion to convert Jefferson Airplane to Jefferson
Starship." "Ironically, 2 million people a year die choking on
Lifesavers."

Jay Leno: "A gown Carol Channing was sending to the Smithsonian was
stolen in L.A. So we know what Ryan Seacrest is wearing to host the
Emmys."

Craig Ferguson: "Lamborghini announced they've sold out of their
model that costs $1.4 million. Wouldn't it be easier just to tell
people you have a small wiener?"

Sunday Night, September 16

Joely Fisher to Brad Garrett on the Emmys: "You couldn't even
get on Craig's List, unless it's Senator Craig's list."

Monday Night, September 17

Jay Leno: "In Boynton Beach, Fla., police issued an arrest warrant for
a 27-year-old, male, high school drama teacher who had sex with two
female high school students and got one of them pregnant. Of course,
the community is stunned by this — a straight drama teacher?" "There
was a report that someone had put a hit out on Kevin Federline. A hit
on K-Fed is more likely than a K-Fed hit." "Domino's has an Oreo pizza.
How strong is the marijuana being grown in this country?"

On Dave Letterman, guest Jeff Altman told about being alone in a
restroom at a big D.C. event when Dick Cheney came in. "Then I heard
from the stall, 'Hey, there's no toilet paper in here.' So I turned off
the light and tiptoed out the door."

Tuesday Night, September 18

Samantha Bee on The Daily Show reporting on women in the
workforce: "Women even make up three-fourths of the hosts on The
View."

Jay Leno: "There's a report of a hit taken out on Kevin Federline. You
never hear about the good work of the mob." Headlines: Classified ad:
"Butt pickers needed." Headline: "Gay Whale Shot with Machine Gun Dies."
Wednesday Night, September 19

Stephen Colbert: "My carbon footprint is Prada."

Jay Leno: "Fox announced their new stars
for the new season of Skating with Celebrities. The first
celebrity to skate? Phil Spector." "That hit on Kevin Federline was
probably put out by Planned Parenthood." On the story about the Senator
suing God: "Is that fair? Doesn't God live in Heaven? Where's He going
to find a lawyer?" Guest Dane Cook: "I don't want an ostentatious
wedding. I want to save my money for the divorce."

Craig Ferguson: "Remember the Smurfs, fifty guys living in a village
with one girl? No wonder they were blue."

Thursday Night, September 20
The Daily Show headlined its story about Kid Nation, the reality
show with 40 unsupervised kids living in a Western ghost town 3'10"
to Yuma.

Joel McHale on The Soup: "The Phil Spector jury just awarded
custody of Britney's children to O.J."

Conan O'Brien: "Debating in front of the AARP, the Democratic
candidates all came out against the war ... of 1812."

Monday Night, September 24
Daily Show title of story on Democratic debate on elder issues:
"The World According to AARP."

Jay Leno: "Mahmoud I’m-a-nut-job actually drove his own cab in from the
airport."

Dave Letterman: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here to visit the U.N. and also
to recover some stolen sports memorabilia." "At the end Marcel Marceau
tried to mime, 'Somebody get me an ambulance.'" Top Ten O.J. Simpson
Excuses: 1. "C'mon, it's not like I killed somebody"

Conan O'Brien: "Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech
today. Lots of people upset about it. New Yorkers said, 'If we want to
hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we’ll take a cab.'”
"Britney could have gotten away with the hit and run, but somebody
recognized her kid on top of the car." "Marcel Marceau's last words ...
were in 1952." "If Katie Couric mated with the president of Iran, their
child would be ... Geraldo Rivera."

Craig Ferguson: "He said there are no gay people in Iran. Well, I could
have told you there are no gay people in Iran when he turned up in
those shoes and that jacket."

Tuesday Night, September 25

The Daily Show ran the clip of the Iranian president saying
there were no homosexuals in Iran. Jon Stewart: "Listen to her! We have
no homosexuals in the Republican party either. Just dudes who like to
have sex with other men."

Jay Leno: "As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid
things yesterday — my favorite was when he said, “There are no
homosexuals in Iran.” Today, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig volunteered to go
over there on an ass-finding mission." "A 62-year-old grandmother
was arrested in Alabama for prostitution. She'd not only have sex with
you, she'd send you a card with $5 in it on your birthday. She was the
only streetwalker with an actual walker."

Dave Letterman: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — according to this guy, there
are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of
their musical theater." Top Ten Things Overheard During President
Ahmadinejad's Trip to New York City: 1. "I thought I was a prick, but
then I met Donald Trump"

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday the president of Iran said his country
doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have
homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one
Iranian will take another Iranian’s penis hostage." "In Texas,
pranksters threw a snake into the drive through window at a Taco Bell.
Fortunately, the snake was immediately killed by all the rats in the
kitchen."

Craig Ferguson: "Not such a great day for Kiefer Sutherland. He was
arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense: It was
someone else’s alcohol in his blood.""Michael Douglas and
Catherine Zeta-Jones both had birthdays today. Just think, when she
reaches his present age of 63, he'll be ... married to a much younger
woman."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Mahmoud A-Members-Only-jacket-jad addressed
the United Nations. He says there are no homosexuals in Iran. He looked
very hard — he even placed personal ads."

Wednesday Night, September 26

Jon Stewart: "Did you hear the Iranian president speak? Turns out Iran
is not an aggressive nation. It's a passive-aggressive nation." Lewis
Black
on the new $5 bill with a big purple number in the corner: "So
now the $5 bill is as gay as a $3 bill."

Jay Leno: "This Saturday in Washington D.C. they will hold the 7th
Annual National Book Festival. First lady Laura Bush will deliver a
speech about the joy of reading, and President Bush will give the
rebuttal." "Rudy Giuliani having a $9.11-a-head fundraiser is like
Bill Clinton having a $69-a-head fundraiser." "Remember that Alabama
grandmother who was a hooker? You got a big discount if you got there
before 4:30."

Dave Letterman: "This is a historic night: The entire balcony is filled
with gay Iranians."

Craig Ferguson: "It’s a great day — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally went
home. He was hilarious. He topped himself by saying if anyone knows of
homosexuals living in Iran, he would like their names and addresses.
Here’s what we should do: write down your funniest gay name — Ben
Dover, Pat McGroin, Ryan Seacrest . . . and we’ll send it to Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Paris Hilton has not forgotten the charity work she
promised. She says she is going on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda.
She is getting her inoculations right now, and actually, the Rwandans
are getting their inoculations too."

Thursday Night, September 27

Jay Leno: "Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a
climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al Gore's a
Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot. Two cyborgs
connecting." "A man in Croatia survived a lightning strike that hit
his penis. Never mix Viagra with iron pills." "Michael Vick tested
positive for marijuana. The irony is that he was caught by
drug-sniffing dogs."

Dave Letterman: "While he was here, Iran’s president, Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran. So what they’re
going to do now, they’re going to develop one of their own. No gays in
Iran. That’s why you have to go all the way to Turkey for a facial."

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday at a global conference for poverty and
education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina
Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked himself in the mirror, took a
deep breath, and said, 'Bill, this is the moment you’ve been training
for your whole life.'” "The U.S.Treasury is issuing a new five dollar
bill, with a much larger, easy-to-read five on it. Thanks to the large
print, the five dollar bill will retain its status as the official
birthday gift from old people."

Friday Night, September 28

Jay Leno: "Brokeback Mountain is being turned into a Broadway
musical. That may be too gay even for gay people."

Dave Letterman fun facts: "While being thrown around during a turbulent
test flight, Orville and Wilbur Wright accidentally joined the
mile-high club."

Craig Ferguson: "Tom Cruise sucked Brad Pitt's blood in Interview
with
the Vampire. Tom Cruise read the script and said, 'You had me
at "sucked."'" "The Reaper has people who sell their souls to
the devil. I liked it better when they called it The Apprentice."
Craig
showed a clip from Oprah of a woman saying she and her husband
liked to have sex on the golf course at night. Oprah: "That's too good.
You know everybody wants to know what hole."

Conan guest Steven Wright put out
his first comedy album, I Have a Pony, 22 years ago. Now he's
come out with his second, I Still Have a Pony. "I try to put
out an album in each century in which I'm alive."

Teri's movies include Young
Frankenstein; Oh, God!; Close Encounters of the Third Kind; Mr. Mom;
After Hours; and Tootsie, for which she received an Academy
Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress. She was a regular on
Johnny Carson and David Letterman and The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour,
and
played Phoebe's mother on Friends. She danced in nine Elvis
movies.

[For Mel Brooks in Young
Frankenstein] The fact is, at that point in my life my boyfriends
were always Jewish (I don't know why) ... So Mel would say, "Don't
worry about it, honey. You're Jewish by injection."

[Movie actors would often hold back in rehearsal.] Shirley MacLaine
would say, "I ain't doing it full-out until that old box starts
grinding." I think she was talking about the camera.

[James Dean rented their house. Teri and her brother took care of the
lawn.] My brother did most of the mowing, while I did all of the
lusting. When Dean died, we helped Grace clean out the house. His
essence was everywhere. He had hung a noose over the rafters ...

[Teri and her boyfriend were trying to have a baby, and then she found
out he was cheating on her, so she broke all his windows. Other women
told her their stories.] One of my favorites was the woman who took the
dog and shaved her name into the fur on its back. That way the new
girlfriend would have to ask, "Who's Judy?" until the dog's hair grew
back. Sometimes less is more.

In October 2002, I went on Larry King Live to talk about my
life with MS.

Keep Your Chins Up

My mother died a few weeks before I began my effort to educate people
about MS. She never accepted that there was anything wrong with me. How
could I have a chronic disease? I was her perfect child! We buried her
with her tap shoes and a picture of her and my father on a donkey.

Odd things happen on the road.
Several times I've run into ex-boyfriends or guys I had crushes on in
high school. One old crush in Utah had been married five times and
couldn't remember if I was one of them.

I really do count my blessings. At
least I used to; now I get so tired, I have a woman come in once a week
and count them for me.

Tickled to Death and Other
Stories of Crime and Suspense by Simon Brett, Charles Scribner's
Sons, 1985

... and tried to convince them
that the mere fact of their having paid for a fortnight's holiday was
not going automatically to rid the island of mosquitos.

[The older sister inherits.] She caught my eye and gave a gauche little
smile, then looked wistfully at the thundering interior.
No, no, I wasn't going to be caught that way. That terrible old feeling
that you ought to ask a girl to dance. Hell, I was twenty-six, not some
creepy little adolescent.
Still, I had to say something, or just leave. "Your big sister seems to
be enjoying herself," I commented sourly.
"Half-sister, actually. And only big in the sense that she's taller
than I am."
"You mean you're older than she is?"
"Two years and four months older."
"Would you like to dance?"

Samantha's hands had the softness of a mouth and her mouth the
versatility of fingers, so that after a time I ceased trying to work
out which bit was doing what and succumbed to the bliss of anatomical
confusion.

"It's called rejuvenating cream."
"Left it a bit late, haven't you?" he said and turned back into the
duvet.

Marriage, like other disputes, is a continual process of demarcation.

Contraception, in rubber form, was Henry's responsibility. Like his
salary Cheque and the household bills, it was unseen.
The same went for the tending of children. And having them. Interest in
such a distasteful processes was not thought proper to a man.
When the children had arrived, they very definitely remained Vera's
responsibility. Their feeding, their cleaning, even their illnesses,
were not subjects Henry wished to know about.
He could no more have changed a nappy than she could have paid a bill.

He found more explicit material than his own collection under his
fifteen-year-old son's bed. His imaginative life was diminished,
sullied.

Or when I got muddled after that bullion robbery and delivered it back
to the security firm. Or when I wrote my home address on that ransom
demand.
The initial contact come through Wally Clinton, which I must say
surprised me. It was Wally I was driving to Heathrow after that
jeweler's job the time I run out of petrol.

Strange sauna club it was. Not a girl in sight. I think it actually
must've been for geysers who wanted to have saunas. All neat and tidy,
no little massage cubicles with plastic curtains, no funny smell, no
nasty bits of screwed-up tissue on the floor. Most peculiar.

She was not shocked. She had been found suddenly attractive at the end
of too many parties to be shocked.