I loved the world so much that I let them kill my own son so that I wouldn’t have to torture them all for their ancestors eating an apple that I created. But I’ll still torture most of them. Forever. If you don’t want to get unceasingly scorched, then you need to believe in my Son (who is also me). Sincerely feel deep in your heart that I am awesome and my plan is the best. I’ll know if you’re faking.

The news media isn’t reporting this yet, but the school in Newtown had a security guard. He saw the shooter enter the school and knew that he was carrying guns. Since the guard knew about the other shooting earlier in the day, he had a pretty good idea what was about to happen. He didn’t stop the gunman at the door, though it would have been easy for him to do so. The guard just let him walk right by and head toward the classroom. After hearing the first shots, the guard could have responded and halted this tragedy, but he didn’t. He sat and watched the feed from the security cameras. Though he was heavily armed and wearing a bulletproof vest, he didn’t lift a finger to save the lives of all those children. What should be done with someone who had an opportunity to stop this massacre, but refused to act? Should he be fired? Should he be jailed? Should he have to explain why? If you’re angry at the (fictional) guard I’ve described, then why would you praise a god who acted in the exact same way?

In order for your nomination to count, you must type something after the “because” and then submit your nomination, which will post a tweet to your Twitter account. Your assistance in this matter could result in…

Winning the lottery

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All this and more could be yours. Just click the links above and submit your nominations. The rules say that nominations are open until February 17, 2012. Nominating me in the same category multiple times doesn’t help, so you’ll curry my favor more quickly by convincing your friends to nominate me, too. You can track my progress (and read my Shorty interview) here.

Religion comes from the period of human prehistory where nobody—not even the mighty Democritus who concluded that all matter was made from atoms—had the smallest idea what was going on. It comes from the bawling and fearful infancy of our species, and is a babyish attempt to meet our inescapable demand for knowledge (as well as for comfort, reassurance, and other infantile needs). Today the least educated of my children knows much more about the natural order than any of the founders of religion.

Sit down Jesus, I have a confession to make. You know how I always told you you were my only begotten son? That wasn’t exactly true.

Several women in the Bible (Rebekah, Sarah, Rachael, Hannah, Elizabeth) were barren, prayed to me and then received a child. Well, they were never actually barren. Their husbands were sterile (and in a couple of cases, impotent). So I paid each of the women a little visit, and that’s why their offspring were so special.

But you’re still special to me, buddy. You’re the number one son in my heart, if not chronologically. Want to go outside and have a catch?

I posted a note on YouVersion.com about the Great Flood, but if you follow that link right now it just shows the message: “This note is in review.” So, it looks like they may be censoring me. Here’s what I posted.

Remember that time I sent a flood to kill all humans except for eight of them? I killed unborn babies along with their mothers, infants, toddlers, tykes, tweens, teens, young adults, adults and the elderly. All of them painfully drowned as I sent more and more and more rain. Enough to cover Mt. Everest! I also killed all the land animals except for two of each. Most fish lived because I wasn’t quite as mad at them.

Noah wasn’t the only one with a boat, so some humans lived for a while after the waters rose, but I sent storms, termites, starvation, thirst and mutiny to destroy the rest.

When my wrath was sated I let the flood waters recede. Then I had to fiddle with the DNA of all animals to make sure they had enough genetic variation to propagate their species. Humans just went through another round of rampant incest, but that was ok because I hadn’t banned it yet.

Finally, I created the rainbow as a sign to the humans. (I had previously tweaked physics to prevent the light refraction that produces rainbows.) Now, every time faithful humans see those beautiful colors, they’re reminded that I once got angry and destroyed almost all of the human race. It’s my little way of reminding folks to stay on the straight and narrow. But there’s a friendly element, too. I promise not to destroy the (whole) world with water again. Next time I’ll use fire!