okay, im completley confused-like cannot understand or make sense or take control. i went to my freinds new yrs party, with just few others id known breifly at a club before. they were guys, but i had previously been drinking 5 smirnoffs, 2 beers, 3 v.strong shots and a baileys, and smoked at least 1 pack of fags already-and it was only 9:00. when we arrived at their house i was 'happy' but not wasted.

so this guy id known before-the one that i once started to kiss and then i he got really really disgusting,dirty and sleezy after 1/2 an hour-asking me to lick things. which i said no to and walked off, but alot of people thought it was weird and wasnt him, maybe he was just drunk.

anyway, i met this guy again there. he was nice again, we had lots in common,chatted and genuinely seems gentle. but we all were drinking, i was in my 'confident' mode by this stage aftre several more shots and 5 more beers and mix of vodka and some random stuff. i wasnt off my feet, no one really was, all conscious and able to walk straight within reason. anyways, we were sitting and he started rubbing my vagina but i was numb really from the drink. he rubbed for ages, but i just sat there. i didnt say no cos i didnt know what i was supposed to do. i thought that this happens-i mean im 18! i had nooo emotion whatso ever-not even arousal-why is this, i was just really spacy from, the drink but my mind was clear, i new what was happening! i decided then and there he was sleazy as i knew it and that no matter what he just wasnt getting anything(im a virgin and will be for a oig long time-itll be year before i ever give THAT to someone!). later he wanted me to come to bed with him, we were lying there and he kept trying to move down as we sat on a swing under covers, when he felt me getting tense or if i 'sarcastically' tried to bring his hands up again he said 'its ok im only stroking your tummy' and then he DID move up to my tummy at which point i shat myself as i rememebered id cut there-but it was all fading thankfully, but for some weird reason when he did this i went nuts almost, like shivvery and tense-
sannah & co-why when he touches my priavtes do i feel othing, just blankness and a vague sense of how stpudly wrong it is, but when he strokes my tummy do i go nuts???

every so often he tried to move down. he started kissing me and feeling me again as he was going to bed and tries to get mt come in, but told him no i wasnmt sleeping with him and to go to bed-he did.

then, this other guy who is very genuine and funny, we get on and have done for a while. he let me walk in his shoes once up a road when i was at a club cos i had sore feet and has carried me on occasions. we'd had a laugh all night, he kept trying to get the other guy away. we did. i was still tipsy as was he at this stage. we ended up sleeping together all night, but just chatting, he was nice. he asked if he could put his hands on me, never went-down there or up there, and asked if it was ok. kept me warm and all that. it was nice-but i wasnt sober. maybe its the drink coming on and mucking with the depression the next day but now even after that nice guy i feel disgusting and 'bad'. at the time it felt ok, i like being hugged i suppose, but in truth i felt numb emotionally, if i hadnt been so warm i could have just got up and walked again. now he's talking about 'our relationship'- something of which ive never had.im terrified, i feel like a bycycle and im soo wary of the nice guy just incase-he is soo genuine and we have really intellectual conversations-but theres always a doubt.

what im wondering is, with all this other stuff should i e doing this?? was this bad or wrong.why do i feel nothing were i was actually molested yet rabndom body parts make me uncomfortable??? im in the dark here, i actually dont know how to form a relationship thats healthy and until i know im trying to not have any or ill just get taken advantage of again-im furious for allowing that *** to feel me all over. should i ask my doc too??? sannah why is this so flippin hard??? i want them sorta to leave me alone now, its so much easier, but i dont wanna hurt the nice guy. is this just my depression changing like the wind or is it about the molestation?? please help, sorry its long, xox

Sannah

01-01-2007 08:56 AM

Re: ???? what the hell???????, long-sannah please read!

Hi Pucca, my guess is that you felt numb because you sort of "freeze up" when people are getting too close. It's like you sort of start to freeze up because it is scary when you know that people are getting too close. It's scary because you don't know if you can keep control of your boundaries with the person - can they be trusted not to hurt you? Because you don't have a lot of practice with protecting yourself from others it's really scary. You might feel "dirty" because you weren't sure that you really wanted to do this. You did it because you wanted to explore new territory with yourself? Also, you weren't really enjoying it so this might make you feel bad? I wouldn't feel bad about it though because you just wanted to explore some new interpersonal territory. You didn't go too far. Actually, this was good practice for you to explore your boundaries. Be careful, though, you don't want to be with some creep who won't take NO for an answer!

You can hold your liquor girl! If I drank that much I would be in the hospital!

Had you done anything like this before? You were in control of your boundaries and you didn't freak out. I'm not sure about the stomach thing? Maybe you feel that this is a more vulnerable spot because it isn't a "sexual" part of your body?

Pucca, only do what you are comfortable with and what you want! As for you being terrified of the nice guy - It's called "fear of intimacy". I had that. When you have this you only "interact" with those guys who are not capable of becoming intimate (because they are shallow and only want sex, etc.) A nice guy who really wants to get close to you will scare you off because you fear getting too close. Once you feel comfortable with your boundaries and you feel good about yourself you will no longer fear intimacy. Be careful for now though, because when you fear intimacy you can sort of "get around" with guys in a superficial way.

nance484

01-01-2007 09:53 AM

Re: ???? what the hell???????, long-sannah please read!

wow thanks for replying so quick. you are correct in saying i have no idea what im doing or what i want to do. i want to be norma and to feel normally-so thats why i think logically, do something that everone should be able to=feel something everybody feels or should feel. but it wont work, its so hard. i just push as hard as i can but can only go so far.

about this before-yep ive done it before but not an allnighter kinda thing and never with someone i knew well-usually just randoms from clubs and stuff.

i dont understand what you mean when you say-maybe i get freaked out when he touches my stomach because it isnt a sexual body part and therfore i feel its a vunerable part-i thought it not being sexual would have meant the oposite-thats why im confused. you would think that being felt up were it happened before with the molester would be more traumatic than someone just gently stroking my stomach-doesnt make sense does it?? it makes me question if my molestation is serious??? the only thing i can think of is he used to make me pull my top up and stuff-could that be why???

your so right about rhe fear of inmtamacy. ive always either pciked much older guys, those who arent my type or got really close to a gay freind-someone i know i wont end up with. the fact that i know this nice guy mat end up asking me out freaks me out to no end. i was afraid when he said the word'couple'. what do you think-should i ask my doctor about this?? could she help or would it just be weird?? how can i 'like' intamacy-cs forcing doesnt work, i feel nothing and it backfires on me. xox

Sannah

01-01-2007 10:15 AM

Re: ???? what the hell???????, long-sannah please read!

Pucca, I thought a bit more about the stomach thing after I posted. My guess is that your sexual parts are not intimate. People can have sex that is not intimate. Your stomach, however, might symbolize a more intimate part of you - your heart, your soul. You might be freaking out when someone touches here because this is YOU they are touching.

I also thought more about you exploring intimacy with strangers by being physical with them. I came to the conclusion that this might not be a good way to develop boundaries and get over your fear of intimacy. If you ever got in a bad situation with some creep and he raped you it would be devastating for you. It might put you in a place where the road to recovery might be much more difficult and long. Maybe you should find another road to practice intimacy skills?

Pucca, you are not going to feel normal until you go through the process of analyzing yourself just like you are doing now. You have some interactions with people, you find yourself uncomfortable, and then you come here for analysis. While you are waiting for your counseling just keep doing it here. Don't push the intimacy thing. Work on it but realize that it will take time to normalize and this type of analysis is how you are going to get there.

If you really want to explore your intimacy issues get together with this nice guy and explore the emotional and psychological intimacy issues with him. Like I said before don't push the physical ones yet. I will help you analyze.