Death becomes us

When I think of death, I used to think of pain. Suffering. Agony. Something that was anything but what I wanted to do.

That fear ran my life. Always worried about being careful, or having nightmares about my kids passing.
I couldn’t ever get those thoughts out of my head.

But what if.. what if it actually happened and I lost a child? I couldn’t imaging that at this very moment. I have had miscarriages before.. some that were naturally induced and some that were at the hands of my ex husband.. and three that will carry an extra special place in my heart because they were fought for with everything my husband and I had, during our one and only chance at bearing life through IVF.

But I cannot even begin to process death. Is it end of life? Or just a transformation of what we are to become?

Will it hurt? Will it be majestic?

Some that have came back from being clinically gone, say it’s the most beautiful thing they have ever experienced. But if it’s the most beautiful thing… Why would they come back? Which makes me think if they came back, did they do it or was it out of their control? As to say maybe a higher power decided for them.

I talked to a friend earlier who pointed out that she feels as though she has lost her way because the loss of her Child.

I do not know the details of the loss, but what I do know it that it hurts her deeply. The grief of loosing someone is almost unbearable… But that grief I feel… Is most certainly something that is left to the survivors of the person.

My sister has lost her mom, and recently I almost lost my biological Father. She was the first one I messaged. I was going through a roller coaster of emotions. Why was he dying? Would it hurt him because of the how he dying?(COPD and Emphysema because of 35+ years of smoking) Will he make it to heaven? Or hell?

Once we pass, I don’t know if Heaven is exactly like the bible describes… But if it is, I can only imagine what I’d consider a small fragment of what the extent really is. So if our loved ones really are in heaven… That means they are at peace. And if they are at peace… Doesn’t it then make it clear they would want us at peace?

I believe that to be the case no matter where we go after passing. If our loved ones loved us as much as our grief shows that we loved them.. it’s a likely suggestion that they without a shadow of doubt in my mind, would want us to process our grief and then live the rest of our lives to the fullest.

My friend said that “Some how I just keep pushing forward, And when I look back I dont know how I got to where Im at. I feel he pushes me and keeps pushing me. I use to be some what like you in alot of ways, but I have lost my way, kinda like I lost myself when we lost Reggie. I dont know if Ill ever be the same person”

Are we ever the same person as the day before? My answer is no. But it doesn’t mean that it has to be a bad thing. We all have a conscious choice each and every day, to wake up, grab a hold of our life, and say not today. Today is MY day and I will live it to the fullest.

I pray that my friend finds her way. Her way back to something she made me seem that was better in ways. But I challenge that thought. Why make your way back to something when you can work your way towards something even greater!

We can make death become us and consume us in a way that our lives deteriorate… Or we can let the light inside all of us shine so bright, that we realize death is apart of us. Who we are as humans. Embrace it. And show love to the world despite it.