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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

[The Cinema Wasteland Movie and Memorbilia Convention takes place Friday April 5th, Saturday April 6th, and Sunday April 7th at the Holiday Inn Select in Strongsville, OH.]

Reporting by Charles Cassady, Jr.

Perhaps,
if it is true that Number 23 is returning to make life worth living
in northeast Ohio again, the only institution that will resist
selling out is Cinema Wasteland (us? Sorry, the Cleveland Movie Blog
has already purchased the URL www.lebronjames.gov,
in anticipation). This twice-yearly Cinema Wasteland happens in
Strongsville in the scrappy spirit of such fan `cons' (conventions)
as the Monster Bash in Pittsburgh and DragonCon in Atlanta. Cinema
Wasteland is a gathering and memorabilia expo devoted to "the
drive-in era" of horror, fantasy and action. It also tends to
encompass pro-wrestling, rockabilly, goth fashion and handicrafts,
and all other forms of louche "grindhouse" media.
Basketball? Maybe if cannibal zombies played it.

Just a few of the
cinematic attractions, in two different auditoriums (unspooling on
16mm as well as projected video) at the latest CW include simulated
drive-in experience hosted by a guy named Gunga Jim and rubber
chicken. The movie is the Spanish science-fiction melange ASSIGNMENT
TERROR, in which aliens who evidently learned nothing from Plan 9
resurrect scary monsters like Frankenstein, Dracula and the Mummy to
conquer the Earth. Saturday at noon brings a Three Stooges
mini-marathon hosted by the Akron-Canton horror host Son of Ghoul.

In addition there will be a rare revival of the
much-misunderstood midget mobster drama LITTLE CIGARS (1973), the
brand-new splatter-sexploitation BLOOD ORGY AT BEAVER LAKE, the
legendary SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (made in 1982 in the depths of
kill-women-movies craze by an avowedly feminist director and
screenwriter, wassupwidat?), and a 2012 release entitled PRESIDENT
WOLFMAN that purports to be assembled entirely of free, public-domain
footage lifted from other movies. Plus a stash of anti-pot hysterical
dramas, from 1936's legendary REEFER MADNESS onwards. Maybe the
programmers want to honor the growing push towards legalization.
What, you would prefer vintage gay-marriage B-movies?

Cinema Wasteland takes place at the Holiday Inn Select
of LeBronsville, oh, we mean Strongsville, at 15471 Royalton Road.
Dealer-room hours are Friday from 5 to 10 p.m., Saturday from 10 a.m.
to 7 p.m., and Sunday 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Admission at the door
is $20 per day, or you can buy at three-day $50 VIP pass. For more
info check out the website www.videowasteland.com.

There has lately been talk of LeBron James returning to play for
Cleveland. In hopes of sealing the deal, word has come down from City
Hall that the city will be renamed LeBronopolis, Ohio. The Cleveland
Orchestra will be redubbed the LeBronTones. The Cleveland
International Film Festival will undergo a reboot as the Best of
LeBron Game Footage. The Cleveland Clinic is to be rebranded as
LeBron's Medicine Cabinet. The Rock Hall of Fame and Museum will be
the LeBron James Private Record Collection. The Cleveland Police
Department will be known as LeBron's Bodyguards & Entourage. The
Browns and the Indians will go by LeBron's Warmup Acts.