My wife is cheating on me with men I know

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I recently chanced on the Facebook page of a woman I have been married to for 10 years, and I was shocked to discover that she has been unfaithful. What do I do?

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we have three children. I recently chanced on her Facebook page and was shocked to discover that she has been unfaithful.

In most cases, she initiated the flirting, planned days to meet for sex and for HIV tests and also tells the men she cannot use condoms. She cheats mostly during her work trips upcountry and abroad.

I know some of the men she has been cheating with and they are married. When I confronted her about it, she was not apologetic and claimed she never had sex with them.

I have lost interest in sex with my wife and she is accusing me of having an affair. I am considering a separation, but I am worried about our children.

How can I deal with this?

Nasser

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EXPERT OPINION

Extra-marital relations undermine marriageby Clemence Byomuhangi

Dear Nasser,

Intimate relationships survive on love, commitment and care, all of which must be nurtured continuously. This is particularly the case when a relationship has matured into a marriage.

Extramarital relationships undermine the essence of a marriage. From your communication, you have established that your wife has been unfaithful.

This is unfortunate, but you may wish to talk and find out what caused her behaviour. The 10 years you have been together should have been long enough for the two of you to confide in each other about your deepest feelings. You say what hurts you most is that your wife initiates sexual relationships with men you know.

This must be a painful experience. To deal with the challenge, you may need to find out whether the two of you have had any development needs that could have led to infidelity.

These issues include ineffective communication, anxiety, low self-esteem and preoccupation with work, among others. It could also have something to do with your sex life or even unrest arising from the issues raised above.

Resolving your dilemma requires clear headedness to avoid rushed decisions, which could be emotional not rational. You may need to seek professional couple counselling so that the two of you can forge a way forward amicably.

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WHAT THEY SAY

There must be a reason

There is a reason as to why she is cheating on you. For the wellbeing of your children, do not end the marriage. Seek counselling to help you iron out your grievances amicably.

Alice Nassaka, communications personnel

Some people flirt for fun

Sorry about the stress you are going through now. From your description, your wife is not physically cheating on you with the men she flirts with on Facebook. You should worry about the reason why she flirts. There are few women, let alone married ones, who can engage in sex escapades and then put such information on Facebook.

People flirt for different reasons. For some, it is for fun, while others want to attract the other person and start a relationship or to boost their self-esteem. Your wife was unapologetic because she knew she was innocent and does not know that you are hurting.

Rogers

Forgive your wife for the sake of the children

Having a cheating partner is the worst experience anyone can ever go through. That aside, you should look at the 10 years you have been married, I believe you know your wife and what could have led her to cheating.

Try to think of what could have gone wrong. Perhaps she is bored or you have ignored her and she tried to get consolation from somewhere else. The good thing is that she tests for HIV before having sex, which means she wants to keep her family safe.

Try talking to her instead of shutting her out and forgive her for the sake of the children. To err is human and to forgive is divine.

Rita Namukhula

Church leaders can help

Few men can tolerate cheating, but for the sake of your children, give your wife a second chance. Also, seek counselling from church leaders to help you make a wise decision.