Marshall “Masher” Grainge, my fearsome (but fearsomely fair) high school vice principal, always used to say that “they do things big in America.” But then China came along and did things multiple factors bigger. Leeds-New York-Beijing. Big-bigger-biggest. Huge-huger-huguosi.

By 2050, when Jews only speak either Mandarin or Hebrew, we’ll look back on this transitional Yid-Chinglish with fond incomprehension. Until then we’ll keep squinting at the signage and eating in Huguosi Nosheries around the world.

Books that purport to chronicle world Jewry’s plot to rule the world are flying off shelves in China and Japan. Such conspiracy theories are also prevalent in Malaysia, the Philippines and, to some extent, throughout Asia, according to a recently published essay by the Anglo-Dutch writer Ian Buruma. But unlike standard-issue Western antisemitism — accusations of Christ-killing, blood libel — the anti-Jewish propaganda in contemporary Asia is not religious in nature, Buruma writes:

“So what explains the remarkable appeal of Jewish conspiracy theories in Asia? The answer must be partly political. Conspiracy theories thrive in relatively closed societies, where free access to news is limited and freedom of inquiry curtailed. Japan is no longer such a closed society, yet even people with a short history of democracy are prone to believe that they are victims of unseen forces. Precisely because Jews are relatively unknown, therefore mysterious, and in some way associated with the West, they become an obvious fixture of anti-Western paranoia.”

Woody Allen once said, “My view of reality is that it has always been a grim place to be … but it’s the only place you can get Chinese food.”

In this week’s New Yorker, writer Patricia Marx tags along with rabbis/kashrut supervisors working in China — the fastest-growing exporter of kosher goods on earth. The rabbis in Marx’s story don’t care much for Chinese food (and one of them has never even heard of Woody Allen), but they do offer a theory on the affinity that Western Jews have for Eastern dishes: “Are there any foods that Jews don’t like?”

To the backdrop of China’s thriving kosher food industry, books such as “The Jewish People’s Bible for Business and Managing the World” — yes, managing the world — and “The Jewish Way of Raising Children” were Chinese-language bestsellers last year, Marx writes.

Human rights activists critical of the upcoming Beijing Olympics have gained a surprising new ally: the “re-established Sanhedrin.”

Yes, that’s right, the re-established Sanhedrin — a body launched in 2004 by a group of Israeli Orthodox rabbis in a somewhat audacious attempt to reconstitute the ancient supreme rabbinic court of the same name — has reportedly ruled that “participating in these Olympics will be deemed a danger to the well-being of humanity,” pointing to the Chinese communist regime’s human rights abuses.

Even more surprising is that, according to YNet, these Orthodox rabbis were spurred in part by claims from Israeli athletes who are practitioners of Falun Gong and complained of the persecution of Chinese members of the Buddhist-influenced exercise movement. The Sanhedrin also approached the Chinese embassy in Israel to hear the regime’s side. Ultimately, however, the Sanhedrin appears to have weighed in firmly on the side of the Falun Gong practitioners.

Pastor John Hagee landed himself in hot water for suggesting that Hurricane Katrina may have reflected God’s wrath over a planned gay pride event, that antisemitism may have its origins in Divine anger over Jewish transgressions and that God may have used the Nazis as Divine instruments to return the Jews to Zion. But Hagee isn’t the only high-profile figure who would be better off avoiding the topic of theodicy.

Stone sparked an international outcry with her remarks, made last week during a red carpet interview at the Cannes film festival. “I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” she said.

“I’ve been concerned about how should we deal with the Olympics, because they are not being nice to the Dalai Lama, who is a good friend of mine.”

“And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”

Some Chinese were, understandably, not pleased by the actress’s musings. Stone has since apologized.

Rabbi Ron Fish and his family recently made the move to Sharon, a suburb of Boston. They love basketball, celebrating Shabbat — and Stephen Colbert.

"My son is marrying a woman from Singapore and he refuses to incorporate any Jewish traditions in the wedding — even breaking the glass. Am I being ridiculous to care?"
This week's #Seesaw advice column:

May her memory be a blessing.

Lithuania is accusing Jewish partisans of war crimes. Jonathan Katz asks: Is the country just trying to hide its history of Nazi collaboration?

In a recent interview, Woody Allen spoke out about his controversial relationship with wife Soon-Yi Previn. Madison Margolin asks: who are we to judge them?

If you're an African-American Jew who wants a wearable symbol that screams 'Jewish,' you might run into problems with the Star of David, which was used as a gang symbol. Here's why MaNishtana decided to reclaim it. http://jd.fo/e8O0m

Jewish extremists carried out attacks on Palestinians and gay pride marchers hours apart. J.J. Goldberg explains how the killing of a Palestinian toddler may mark a dramatic shift for the anti-Arab movement — and one that Israel may not be able to easily control.

Jewish federations from coast to coast are coming under intense pressure to denounce the Iran nuclear deal, even though they usually avoid political disputes and the public is split down the middle. So far eight local groups have urged Congress to block the agreement. http://jd.fo/d8N6h

Judy Blume - our childhood hero and saver of marriages!

Liberals were happy to hear President Obama come out swinging in favor of the Iran nuclear deal. But by blasting the neo-conservatives who led us into the Iraq war, did he strike the wrong chord with some Jews?

Vayter / ווײַטער: A biweekly blog presenting original Yiddish articles, fiction, essays, videos and art by young writers and artists.

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