I hear this ALOT! Even more than the catch all “There are not good men/women out there.”

As an HR Consultant, one of the things I work with companies to improve is their strategy around recruiting and selection.

As a Coach I work with men and women to improve the quality of their dating and relationships. After speaking at several Group functions for both men and women, one of the things I kept hearing was how frustrated everyone was with “the whole thing” – the dating thing.

I believe “the whole thing” people are referring to was the dating process! Online or offline people seem to feel like it’s a drag, a drain, a demoralizing drama that has you contemplate staying single the rest of your life, or settling for the quarterly conjugal visit with your FWB. I used to think it had to do with the age of the “dater/datee”. Then I kept hearing the same complaints from over 40, under 40, even peeps just getting started in their 20’s.

I think what’s really happening is that people feel like they aren’t getting “quality” candidates for their romantic relationship “vacancy”.

I used to respond to this complaint with a bit of sass, stating perhaps you need to consider “taking a better application.” Then one day, I realized there’s meat on that bone.

A vacancy is a vacancy in life. And, because we are human beings, we use “a process” consciously or unconsciously to fill the voids in our lives.

Whether your process is find-kill-destroy (to rectify all the crimes against women), or snag- em-bag-em (to rectify all the crimes against men) , love-for-sex, sex-for-love, friends-then-benefits-then-relationship, or hook-ups-only, it’s still a process. You still have a relationship intention, selection criteria, an “interview” process, and an offer is extended.

And moreover, are you aware of the process by which you are choosing your “applicants”.

Yes, ladies (and gentlemen) we choose our candidates. We smile and make eye contact across the room, we send emails, reply to texts, and make/return calls to people. These people have now become a part of your candidate pool.

People always say dating is a game.

Dating isn’t a game.

If we want to get technical dating is a process.

It is a socially engineered process designed to help you make an informed decision about who you choose to share your life with and for how long.

Most of us go through this process on autopilot, believing what we’ve seen on tv or heard from friends, family, books, religion, and social norms. You can be informed by all of these, and at the end of the day, you much choose what your process will be.

There is great information out there. AND, you must still do your work, do your part to actively participate in filling your romantic vacancy. Or, you can 1)leave the entire process up to someone else (the datee); or 2) remain on auto-pilot and allow your subconscious wants, needs, and wishes to play out in your dating life over and over again i.e., you date that same type of guy/gal over and over again.

So how do we “take a better application?”

Here are 7 Steps to help you attract and retain high quality applicants for your relationship vacancy.

1 – Your Relationship Intention aka. The Job Description/Posting: Know what you want and what you don’t want. Most of us just want a “relationship”. Well that’s a pretty vague description. If you were hiring for anything else you wouldn’t just post “Receptionist” would you? This may not be something you put online (it could be) but it’s definitely something you hold in your heart. You gotta know what you are a yes to, so you can be clear about your no.

2 – Taking Applications/Reviewing Resumes: Online or offline this is the process by which you are getting to know someone. If this is online, you have quite a bit of information at your fingertips. When recruiting, I am looking for 5-7 key things before I even consider the candidate any further. This works offline too if you ask your 5-7 key questions during the course of your interaction. It should provide you enough information to know if this person actually fits into your relationship intention. These questions ideally go beyond chemistry and attraction. Things that have them discuss goals, views, wants, needs, and wishes they have for their life and their relationship intention. You aren’t looking for perfection, but someone you can connect with.

3 – Connecting Offline/Phone Screening: Talk. On. The. Phone. Have a conversation, that is not text or email. Actually know what he/she sounds like. One better, get bold and face-time. You can find out a lot about a person in a 15-30 minute conversation. Don’t underestimate the power of the sound of someone’s voice and their ability to communicate and connect with you in a powerful way. And if you’re not feeling it, you just saved yourself, time, money, and make up by not meeting this person for that coffee “interview.”

4 – The Date/Interviews: Ok, yes, I’m using hiring as a metaphor but that said, This should not feel like an interrogation or an interview, rather a really engaging conversation. Let your curiosity lead the way. There should be a natural flow between you two if you let your interests lead rather than your need to complete your checklist. If you are interested, the checklist gets completed naturally. If you are not, who cares. Just like in the real world, you end the date/interview early and thank the person for their time. And just like the best interviews, they don’t feel Q&A sessions, but rather great conversations.

5 – Courting/Dating/The 2nd Interview(s): Hopefully, you are feeling the presence of possibility with this person. So a second date may actually be comprised of some experiential exercises, i.e. you do something together where you two are not the sole focus. This allows you to see how they interact with others and handle themselves in a variety of situations.

6 – Meeting My Peeps/Team Interview: Before you get too far down this road, you should have them meet a few key players in your life. People who you love and trust, and most importantly people who can and will tell you the truth. They already love you and have your best interest at heart. They are objective and haven’t had sex with this person so they aren’t attached to any outcome except your happiness. Invite the person to a social group activity. Don’t prep anyone just go out and have fun. After the date is over, ask them for their honest opinion. Find out what they think about the person, and then about him/her in your life as a mate. Hey, if your peeps aren’t interested in your happiness, then you have bigger problems than dating.

7 – Job Offer/Exclusive Dating – AKA The FB Status Change: Presuming all is well and you’ve had “the talk”, and you are now in a relationship or at least discussing what that looks like, basically you’ve made and/or accepted a job offer or relationship agreement and are moving ahead. Just like in a real world, when you have a new role/position, the first 90-days are really crucial. Most of what you experience at this point will likely be new. This is where you will really get to know the person and either fall madly in love (if you haven’t already) or become completely disenchanted with them or the relationship. This is where you really gotta ask yourself the tough question, “Is this what I want?” “Is he/she what I want?” “If nothing changed am I happy with who they are and what we have?” And before you get too far down the road of the 90 days or beyond, if it isn’t ringing your bells, trust your gut, and cut bait. Don’t waste time trying to make something or someone fit into your life when it just doesn’t. It’s work for you, and painful for them.

Make the grown up decision. Let them go; and set yourself free. People aren’t likely to change who they are, and what they are up to. What you are seeing in this phase is the real deal. So if it’s not working for you, wonderful! You gave it a shot. Played full out, followed a conscious process, and this one didn’t make the cut. That’s ok. But you are making a more informed choice, and able to stay in it giving it a real chance before, rather than some vague excuse like well he’s not over six feet, or she doesn’t cook.

If you don’t have the results you want, the relationship you want, it is likely that you are not clear about the intention and the process you are using to get there.

Dating is a process. There is no getting around this. Like weight loss, you gotta put in the time and effort to get the results.

Is it possible to meet your soul-mate and things escalate quickly?

Absolutely!

Is that the norm?

Not usually!

If you are truly wanting to be in a relationship with depth and substance, that takes time. It takes being open to sharing yourself and getting to know someone.

Contrary to popular belief dating and relationships are a process, not a moment, or a weekend, or even a game. That defining moment, the actual “click” may never come, if you aren’t taking the time, making time, for you and the person to actually connect – beyond the profile, beyond texting, beyond email, in other words beyond the resume.

My birthday is my new year. This is when I set my goals, and decide what kind year I want to have going forward. Generally I create a theme based upon what I want, more specifically how I want to feel.

This year, I want to explode! Specifically, I want more pleasure, passion, and power. Not power as in “world domination.” Power as in the ability to see it, believe it, and achieve it within one year, no excuses or exceptions!

As I woman I know I am most open, most receptive in life when we are in the thoroughs of pleasure and passion. When I am giving someone, or some-thing, my all. When I am simply a wide open channel, totally surrendering to the moment. That happens when we are 100% confident in ourselves – not just our skills and ability, but our look, our walk, our talk, our femininity, our ability to deliver. If you feel confident about yours skills, but not your shoes, you do not deliver with as much power or passion at the podium, so to speak — too busy making sure the your shoes are hidden. That’s not to say you don’t do well. But regardless of the results when we don’t feel good, feel confident, the results ultimately don’t matter.

How many women (and men) got it going on and no matter how much you say it, they do not feel it, believe it, live it. Low self-esteem and a lack of confidence are the building blocks of poor relationships and abuse, both giving and receiving, to self and others.

Think about a time when you felt the most free, not worried about anything. It was likely at some point when you were having a good time. When your face was turned to the sun, you were laughing, dancing, playing, giggling, perhaps even climaxing (had to throw that in there it counts!). No one is thinking about their “shoes,” i.e. their education, career path, weight, or makeup, in the midst of unbridled joy, ecstasy, or pleasure. You are open, receptive, all in for all the moment has to offer. Continue Reading

Ok, I wanted to call this Waiting for Superman until I realized it was a documentary on the education system in DC – great piece BTW. Then I realized that Thor and his “enchanted hammer” might be a far better example for 2014. And at the very least Chris Hemsworth – cast as Thor – is dreamy!

I am enamored with superheros! I always have been. I must have been one in a former life, I am sure of it! I mean what’s not to love, they have perfect bodies, amazing powers, deep sensitive personalities, even the brooding bad boy or nerdy types are hot. Some are rich, many are handsome, and a few are down-right sexy! What’s not to love?

But superheros aren’t reality. And, I don’t live in the Marvel or DC Universe (fictional worlds that birthed these yummy men). Neither Superman, nor Thor is waiting around to take me away from all of “this”. And truthfully I don’t want to be taken away. What I really want is my version of Thor, to come into my life (with his “enchanted hammer” of course) and we create a very real, and deeply satisfying relationship.

But I’ve noticed lately, that’s not what’s being promoted out there in the real world. We got The Millionaire Matchmaker, The Bachelorette, Bachelor Doctor segment on Dr. Oz, not to mention all of the romantic comedies and love stories featuring Morris Chestnut, and Ryan Gosling. All these men are “perfect”. Well their resumes are any way. The have great jobs, great bodies, handsome faces, lots of money, a mansion, fast cars, they know how to dress, they are sensitive, caring, and want a commitment to only one woman.

Yet, when leading groups and seminars for women, that just doesn’t seem to be the reality. Women (and men for that matter) are frustrated, lonely, sad, and disappointed. They’ve somehow chosen to “renovate” Mr. Potential, or they are waiting for one of these impeccable resume guys to come along. Neither of which ever works out for anyone.

As a single-mom, we often get so caught up in playing mommy (and for some of us daddy too) that we don’t take time to see ourselves as anything other than a mom. We are very in touch with the nurturing, maternal side of our femininity, but not the womanly, sensual, sexy side of our femininity. Part of being an empowered woman, an irresistible woman, is taking the time to acknowledge your femininity outside of motherhood.

It’s hard for us to be the provider, the cook, the maid, the secretary, the chauffer, the soccer-mom, and the mommy who kisses boo-boos all in one day; for some of us all in one hour! It can get crazy sometimes – Ask me how I know this?! And then, turn around and be the vixen, the goddess, the fem-fatal, who looks like Venus, and seduces men with just one glance. And in all honesty, who are we kidding, most women are just too tired to even thing about any of that. Even women I know who are married, say their favorite activity is sleep when they do not have their children — and by sleep they do not mean “sex with their husbands.” They mean sleep for hours at a time no interruption and no one to tell them when they have to wake up.

The first thing is as acknowledge that you want it and on some level we actually need it. Dr. Phil once stated that children are meant to leave us. We are responsible for their total care when they are first born and then they gradually begin to care for themselves as they grow older. If we’ve done our jobs well, this is a seamless transition for the child and for ourselves. We’ve given enough attention to their care and development and harmonized with our own as they grow older.

There are some women who have no identity, no sense of femininity, Continue Reading