“Stand in Your Own Light”

That headline is something I say often to my coaching clients who are afraid of facing their own creative growth, from submitting a book to an agent, singing their own song, or asking for a raise at work.

The palo verde tree had adapted to the desert. It has tiny leaves, so as not to loose too much precious water. But tiny leaves can’t bring the tree enough sunlight for photosynthesis. So the trunk and branches do that work in the summer. The tree makes use of the glaring sun in its own way.

Now I have to say it to myself.

One of the reasons I write a blog is to show that living a creative life is rich in delight and challenges, equally mixed with mistakes and failure. How you respond shapes your life.

For years, I have envied another writer, whom I will call “Jess” for anonymity’s sake. Every time I went to a book signing, I’ve admired how Jess read parts of the book and answers questions. And each time, I prepare a carefully-phrased sentence of praise while I’m waiting for the book to be signed. Sometime Jess’s eyes would glance up at me while I was speaking, but never a reply. OK, sure, I get it, book signings are not easy. I’ve done several, and it’s hard to make each person feel special. But Jess smiled, laughed and talked with others in line. Just not me.

Jess has a giant following on Facebook. I was jealous of that, too. I would be a big fat, total liar if I did not admit to drooling over the compliments, the praise, the adulation over every idea, goof, and joke Jess posted. None of my comments ever got a “like.” Jess replied to a lot of fans, but never to me.

I could go into a lot more detail, but even I am getting embarrassed here. This has gone on for years. I’ve never received a crumb of encouragement and still, I was an eager follower, a fangirl, a waggy-tail dog rolling over and exposing my belly to Jess’s cat-like cool indifference.

In a recent conversation with a friend, I confessed my jealousy and self-loathing that I could not free myself of this feeling of lack. Being less than. My friend’s casual reply threw a switch in my head. The idea slowly opened in my brain–I was not jealous of Jess’s writing ability, or popularity, or giant inner circle.

Nope. I wanted approval. I wanted a knowing smile of “we are both writers,” I wanted . . . permission to be cool. Yes, I wanted Jess to like me when I could not like myself.

When you are a writer, there are moments, hours, maybe days and weeks when you do not like yourself. When you are backing into a hard truth and not watching the distance you are covering. There is no way around this. The only way is through.

For years, what I had thought of as jealousy was nothing more than looking for love. Hoping to get a bit of sparkle from someone else. Thinking that satisfaction was the light of another’s smile making the hard work of being a writer a bit brighter.

Being a writer is often lonely. Because I love solitude, I am often my harshest critic. And it is tough to love yourself while you are also being a critic. Here is what I did: when I cannot manage to love myself, I give myself permission to love the creativity that is working on me. When I love part of myself, the rest isn’t that far off, and not that unlovable.

But it took me years to get to this point. The next step is knowing that I will have that old needy feeling again. Just because I recognize it does not mean it will go away. But like a scraped knee, it will form a scab, then itch, then the scab will fall off, leave a red mark that will fade over time.

For now, I went to Facebook and stopped following Jess. Right now, the light reflected from that part of the world is a little to rosy, too tempting. I’m going to stand over here, in my own light. There’s enough of it left so I can keep writing.

—Quinn McDonald is a writer and creativity coach who grateful for the love of creativity.

About Quinn McDonald

Comments

Quinn – you have so much talent that I cannot even begin to express it all. And I know you are much more talented than Jess. Sometimes it’s just finding the right connections or being in the right time at the right place. In the meantime, keep being yourself…the talented friend I admire, laugh with, snort with and most importantly, the friend with whom I can always be myself. That means more than you can possibly know. XO

That means so much to me, Traci. You are both an inspiration to my art side and an inspiration to take each day as it shows up. You have taught me that backsliding is simply a running start into the next thing!

Oh, this struck a chord. How many blogs and facebook pages have I drooled over, wishing I was both as successful as the admired person and yes, wanting to be acknowledged by that person too. Thank you so much for your wonderful insights and honesty.
It means a lot to me when you reply to my comments too! Thank you for being ..…well……you I suppose.

Ahhh, Nina, the need to be loved is a basic human need. What we do to ourselves in pursuit of that love, well, that can be the plot of many books! I do answer every comment (with the exception of posts that are give-aways), because I want to. I’m glad for the company.

AWWWW….aren’t we all a funny breed…You are always so confident and clever and funny,I follow very few blogs but have adored yours for years…it always makes my day and makes me think,and opens my eyes…literally inspires me. Inspires that you have the tenacity to write regularly and have so many interesting insights and things to observe and pass on your knowledge. How sometimes i wish i could get it together and be as strong and focused and full of wisdom as you! Theres you sitting at home fretting that this person hasn’t noticed you….how ironic! You probably have no inkling that you have so much respect! I used to try and work out how i could get to the USA to one of your workshops but alas with school age kids and lack of finances it ain’t gonna happen any time soon..but thats my daydream…meeting you!! So enough of the adulation…but do we really know what is ever going on in someones else head,thats why writing is so important so we can read what goes on in other peoples minds,fact,fiction or otherwise. Maybe this Jess is so in awe of you she can’t acknowledge you for fear of saying the wrong thing ,seeing you as really articulate….not wanting to make a fool of herself. Who knows,it doesn’t really matter now,you have removed yourself form the issue,brave move. I just wanted to say that you provide ‘a switch in my head’ on a regular basis and that is such a gift..thankyou..x

Wow, what an amazing read! I can feel my heart swelling with joy–let’s just hope my head doesn’t follow. Being someone’s hero is hard. We expect so much of them. This morning, when I didn’t check in with Jess’s feed on FB, I felt . . . lighter. I’m so glad you read my blog. Honored, really. It’s a complicated trip, this life we are on. And for right now, I’m not doing any workshops. I’m dreaming up some for the future, but for right now, being back in school and coaching and teaching is all I can manage. School-age kids suck up all your mental, financial, physical and edible resources. Hugs to them!

I came across your website and blog one day while following various links on art journaling. I think it was one of those meant to be moments. Your writing really resonates with me and I look forward to diving into each blog entry as it hits my email box. Thank you for your insights and inspirations!

I discovered your blog a couple of years ago when I was looking for books about Zentangles. I read many of your older posts and immediately put the link to your site at the top of my favorites on my iPad. I look outward to your posts and find lots of useful and inspiring ideas here.

My creative outlet is needlework, but the last few years have been mostly filled with caring for family members. Your site makes me feel creatively connected even when I don’t have time to spend the time stitching.

What a wonderful thing to hear, Patti. Thanks for telling me. I’m sorry you have to do the hard work of caring for family members; I hope you get a chance for some rest for yourself. I never thought of helping someone stay creatively connected. How wonderful!

Hello Quinn, total stranger, and just by happenstance came across your blog site when i was researching “standing in your own light”…a creative thought i had for a photographic image.
I too have found myself spending far too many hours following others fan pages, and that ” feeling a lack within myself ” description fits me in my never ending quest for “I’m a good enough”. Your words really struck a cord when you said, “Right now, the light reflected from that part of the world is a little to rosy, too tempting. I’m going to stand over here, in my own light. There’s enough of it left so I can keep writing.” Your creative writing is thought provoking and encouraging as we navigate through all the emotions and experiences we encounter in our every day lives. Thank-you Karen