Thursday, December 24, 2015

"Your Presents Are Requested"

IIn the spirit of the season,
I am reprising one of my favorite posts, depicting, arguably, the most famous
example of anxiety in the entire history of gift-giving.

“Your Presents Are
Requested”

Who invented holiday gift giving?

“A guy with a store.”

Too cynical? Maybe. Though perhaps not entirely off the
mark. Historically – if we can regard
the Bible as history, and who’s to say it’s less accurate than anything else written back then – the gift-giving
tradition originated on “Day One”, if by “Day One”, you mean “Day One” of A.D.
rather than “Day One” of B.C. I actually
don’t know when “Day One” of B.C. was. Billions of years ago? It was way back, I know that. Anyway, that’s got
nothing to do with this story.

Hovering over the event, from that very first occasion, there
loomed the darkening presence of gift-giving anxiety, the gut-eating worry that
your gift will resoundingly fall flat.

Allow us now to peek in on that initial foray into heartfelt
but emotionally turbulent generosity.

Ext. Holy Land –
Night

(Note: In the
Jewish tradition, which was in force on this first day of Christianity, all
holidays begin on the night before. I
don’t know why. Maybe they couldn’t
wait.)

THREE WISE MEN ARE CAMELING TOWARDS THEIR MIDDLE-EASTERN DESTINATION.

(Note: Because
I have no idea of their actual names, the Wise Men will herein be designated by
the gifts they are delivering: Gold,
frankincense and myrrh. Sorry for all
the Notes.)

THE NIGHT IS QUIET, SAVE FOR THE SOUND OF THREE CAMELS, CLOMPING
OVER SAND.

F: (STANDING FOR
FRANKINCENSE, SO I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP WRITING FRANKINCENSE EVERY TIME) I’m a little worried about my present.

G: (DITTO ON THE
INITIAL ) How so?

F: I’m concerned
about its appropriateness.

G: What are you’re
giving them again?

F: Frankincense.

G: And remind me again
what that is?

F: It’s an aromatic
gum resin.

G: Uh-huh.
And you believed that was appropriate because…?

F: Frankincense is
known to have soothing properties. I
thought after the turbulence of childbirth, the participants might appreciate a
calming influence.

G: I suppose. But have you noticed how quiet it’s been?
– a starlit firmament, the absence of a
breeze, not a peep out of anything? If I
were a Weather Man – or a songwriter – I’d say, “All is calm, all is bright.”

F: You’re saying they
won’t need a calming influence?

G: It seems somewhat
redundant.

F: You’re right,
they’re going to hate it! I know exactly
what’s going to happen. They’ll be all
nice about it and everything. “Look,
Joseph – frankincense! What a beautiful
present!” And then, angling for
reassurance, I’ll say, “Are you sure you like it? I could take it back.” And they’ll say, “Oh, no, it’s perfect! We were just talking about how we were really
low on frankincense and my husband said, ‘Maybe I should pick some up’, and I
said, ‘Hold off a little. We might get
some as a present’, and here we are!
It’s like a miracle. I mean, it’s
no ‘Virgin Birth’ or anything, but it’s still amazingly timely.” I despise that excruciating charade. I wish
I had brought something else!

MYRRH: You wish.

F: Oh, yeah, I forgot. With you around, I am guaranteed no worse
than “Second Most Terrible Gift.”

M: Well that’s not very supportive.

F: Your gift makes no
sense whatsoever.

G: What was your gift
again?

M: Myrrh.

F: Terrible!

M: It’s not that bad.

F: Oh, really? First of all, myrrh is also a gum resin. I mean,
three gifts, and two of them are gum resins?
These guys are going to have to be really good actors. “You can never have enough gum resin.” This is a train wreck!

G: A what?

F: It’s bad.

M: It may be okay. There is
actually a substantial difference between my
gum resin and your gum resin. Yours in an aromatic gum resin. And mine
is a bitter gum resin.

F: (TO G) You know what bitter gum resins are used for?

G: No, what?

F: Embalming. He’s bringing them a burial spice. (TO M)
I hope you kept the receipt.

M: In a little pouch
inside the myrrh pouch. But the store’s
in Samarkand.

F: Remember now, you
promised. I give my gift first. I go after
you and it’s like, “Oooh, more gum resin.”
No way. I want to be the first
gum resin they get.