National Novel Writing Month 2012
•
Page 43

@Blerk
Finally!
Blerk I know you have children. There is that age when for some reason they turn into these paranoid little creatures and will on instinct hide from anyone that they don’t see every day? When their first reaction is to hide behind the legs of their parents? Were it needs sweet talking, international treaties guaranteeing continued happiness and a crowbar to make them move?

That is you and your writing!

Chapter 9
Wait… what?

Oh. Ah. Erm… Looks like I am proper muppet. I somehow did not notice that Chapter 8 was there waiting for me. Unread. Unloved.

So Chapter 8
In the fun fair the musings about bullies is in front of a picture of children being chased by vampires and other monsters. A nice touch. I liked that. One thing I’d like to not is that the protagonist should probably pay some attention to these pictures as he has never really seen a native and he might be wondering if they looked entirely human. (As far as I know they could have orange skin and blue hair so I’d certainly would take notice of anything showing what a human-a-like on this world looked like)

Like the thing with the map and the library for example. There he is looking for alien information.
One thing there is a strong romantic tension building between Jake and Alison. I think you may what to keep an eye on this. For Jake this should be both a relief and a source of guilt, while Allison is still distracted by her missing boyfriend/husband. The latter is something that brings potential for all kinds of drama. No matter how things go this will be emotionally rather messy.

The library bit is great. I am as angry and paranoid as your protagonist. You effectively built the story towards (among others) this point seeing it finally happen is filled with tension.
And followed by the same flabbergasted disappointment.

That secret must be quite the momentous thing…

A Jake, you silly man. Letting your emotions get the better of you and being a rebel when it will reap you the least reward. At least acting the way he does he adds to the dramatic tension. I am having some strong palms meeting face feelings right now.

Shortly afterwards he even notices it. You know this mixture of emotional explosions followed by moments of clarity make him a rather likable character. His flaws are easily to relate to and they are tempered by his own insight.

There is the boy again. Funny these bits are closer to horror fiction, somehow you have retained some dramatic elements from your last story. Works well.

For god’s sake Jake! Stop telling the evil bastard about the alien! Good thing that Maxwell is to much of a narcissist prick to pick up on that.

Now that you mention Dan. Jake is out-pubertying his own son right now.

The bit with the son and the computer was really touching.

Chapter 9
The dream suddenly makes so much more sense.
And there is Kurt again. That smug little bastard! :-D

Jenson remains the kind of boy that might grow up to be a Maxwell, but he does deliver.

One question just appeared in my mind. Why exactly is Jenson the misfit? At first I was not surprised they always crop up everywhere and the tendency of the misfit to give in and identify in his role as the official outsider reinforces that.
But now that he mentions the other kids, the ‘science nerds’ I wonder who his parents are. What function do they have, as obviously Jenson here is different.

Oh. My. God. Worst adult ever! So he tells the rebellious youth that it is: ‘too dangerous’, ‘forbidden’, has to keep his grates triumph to himself and ‘forget it’? This is the best way possible to encourage the boy to go even further with what he has been doing. It is also a serious case of black calling of kettles by pots.
Jake should indulge Jenson a bit, build up a basis of trust and even more importantly learn from him. After that he can go and try to talk him out of more dangerous escapades.

The time jump from the conversation with Jenson to the secondary gate is a bit jarring. What happened to the class? What did Jake tell the children? How could he explain away the book or at least impart onto them the importance to keep quiet about the entire affair?
The cut is great for pacing but in this case it leaves out an important bit of information that has me wondering as a reader.

Now that hacking sequence brings some Terminator 2 flashbacks. I am also amused that the guy named Jenson is hacking security doors and sneaking past patrols to places he should not go, reading things he should not read. (Oh and here is also the key to the encrypted data)

The ‘and suddenly a jeep with four armed dudes arrived!’ trick should not work as well as it does here. Still immediate tension and drama. Chandler was right.

And there is Kurt again! I hate that guy! (Not really)

Fleeing. Where are the kids? Suddenly it is just Kurt and Jake. Either explain where they boys went or mention them standing around or something. Right now I am wondering what happened to them.

A narrow escape and some strange events. Who is the target Maxwell is speaking of? For a moment I thought they might be able to track max. The way you introduce the strange weapons is also neat. IT is a clever bit of exposition and you just destroyed a source of information. Furthermore you established how this was a special place to someone in the past, which makes the actions of the soldiers look more sinister.

Kurt the old Jedi, is also not giving Jake any reason to trust him. For all intents and purposes he is turning Jake into his pawn. So the mistrust on the protagonist’s side is entirely understandable.

OK. You win this time Maxwell you are a tosser but more cunning than I have given you credit for.

Again with the mind-tricks.

Oh. Yes. Of course. The GPS satelites. I had forgotten about them. It could still work with other forms of technology. At least on a smaller scale. I think…

Brilliant chapter!
So far the story is full of mysteries and every step forward seems to reveal that the path is much more convoluted and longer than expected. So far so good, you are also starting to trickle in more information which is good because right now, just like your protagonist the state of not knowing what is going on is making me frustrated. But now there are some many compelling little pieces to work with.

Some very good points again, I have been wondering about the pacing at times. Occasionally I feel like I need to kick things forward because I'm meandering too much, but then when I do I'm often finding that it plays out weirdly. I suspect come the edit I might end up inserting a few small connecting scenes here and there to answer a few questions, or building brief explanations of the 'missing' events into the subsequent chapter.

I think my biggest problem at the moment is time, but things will be getting back to normal at home over the next few days as the missus is going back to work (she works 7pm 'til 11pm) so that effectively gives me a bit of writing time every day once the kids are tucked in. Although there's that big wobbly religious festival thing to take into account too, of course.

I am eager to wrap this story up, though. Not least because I want to finish my first pass edit of Drowner's Mill, which I've still to actually do anything with. I'm never going to make my fortune at this rate.

The pacing is mostly OK.
You keep up the tension.
That I am pulling my hair out and screaming at my screen to tell me what the fuck all this is about, is a good sign. And you are mantaining the tension so far.

So no worries there. Especially not now that we are in first draft territory.

@MetalDog I haven't got round to reading far into others yet, but that's definitely something I'm battling with. I know what little surprises might be coming up and trying to work out how much to hint at them.

@Technohippy
I have no idea if home made saline would work. I suspect it could, but I'm not sure, so any medics wanting to pitch in with opinion on that matter, feel free.
Cheers for the feedback and here is your somewhat delayed feedback.

15
I'm finding myself wondering where Dale's parents are in all this. I'm not sure how old he is though - did you mention it an I forgot in the between time? I'm surprised he didn't yank his network cable during that, but a younger kid might just accept it without fearing PC hacker rapeage =D

Typo hunt:
Multiplayer shooter(s)
1 paragraph down from that 'There didn’t want any of the players recognising his voice.'

Appropriate Typo: 'game him an edge'

16
You know, I was going to ask you if setup was two words in this instance =D

Typo hunt:
'As far food, only some tinned soup remained.'

It's interesting, these last few chapters have slowly been turning opinion on the 'demon' from relatively neutral to growing dislike. Mikhail may have been a shit, but that was pretty low =)
Dale is just a kid, though, that's even lower.

Just a few hundred words. But the next chapter is finally done.
It does give me some idea of how to move forwards and brings together two separate threads. It's pathetically short.
But done is done and if my treacherous flesh-system shows some mercy I can probably do a lot more tomorrow.

The authorities would not notice, they become part of the rhythm. (They would all turn into... wait for it... beat cops! Buwahahahahaha... *snif*)

Only got 500 words written tonight. I started to late and I need to go to sleep.
But the words were good. They give me the foundation for the next part and sleeping on it will help. I am still a bit disappointed with myself that I got so little done today. But there is always tomorrow.

Again. Horribly tired.
The new chapter is expanding very slowly. I think I need to listen to my own advice and when things slow down just jump forward to the point where interesting things happen again.

Only a few hundred words done today. Tomorrow will probably be worse as it may be my birthday and I might be busy celebrating with my friends.

But the important thing is that again I am sitting in front of my trusty computer, typing away. It might not be overwhelming quantity but it is moving me through a wall. Bit by bit.

I managed about 200 words last night, some of which may even survive =D
Today is my last day at work before the break, so I should improve output shortly afterwards - 'horribly tired' sums me up pretty well too.

Slow progress is still progress though, good to see you, Blerk and Rob still slogging away, we will all get there eventually!

Good job on finishing! The ending itsn't too jarring.
Classic cliff hanger. They resolved the immediate threat/situation and there's clearly another adventure for them to embark on that's outside the scope of this particular story being told.

Enjoyed reading that and I think you managed to get a laugh out of me in each chapter, often more than one. That's impressive. The humour makes it a pleasant read.