With all the news about how Vladimir Putin might have been "cultivating" Donald Trump for years and has a secret server that communicates with this one Russian bank (even though the New York Times "debunked" all that because it was butthurt about getting scooped by Slate), it's easy to forget that Utah is doing its own U.S. American election, where neither Trump nor Hillary Clinton might win, but instead this other guy, a Mormon dude named Evan McMullin who used to be an undercover CIA spy, might deprive BOTH major candidates of Utah's six electoral votes, by beating them! This will make Evan McMullin president of America because the Constitution says if you pull a fast one on Utah like that, you automatically get to be president.

The latest SurveyMonkey poll shows Trump with 33%, Hillary with 30% and McMullin with 26%, but the three candidates have been taking turns with who's technically "winning" over the past month, so this could actually happen!

Therefore, for some ultra cray-cray Trump supporters, McMullin is a threat who MUST BE VANQUISHED.

So this super rad (you bet) white nationalist guy from California named William Johnson has stepped up to help! You see, he's the head of the American Freedom Party, and he's bankrolling a robocall going out to Utah voters, letting them know what a gaywad Evan McMullin really is. It starts with pretty normal Republican talking points:

Hello, My name is William Johnson. I am a farmer and a white nationalist. I make this call against Evan McMullin and in support of Donald Trump. Evan McMullin is an open-borders amnesty supporter.

His mother is a lesbian, married to another woman. Evan is okay with that. Indeed Evan supports the Supreme Court ruling legalizing gay marriage.

Now, for fact-checking purposes, it should be noted that Evan DOES have two mommies, because his mom married a lady. According to the Washington Post, he loves his mommy very much, although he believes "Mormon" on the subject of marriage. However, he "respects" the Supreme Court's decision to let lesbians like his mom be happy and fulfilled and equal. So!

Evan is over 40 years old and is not married and doesn’t even have a girlfriend. I believe Evan is a closet homosexual.

UH OH! Is Evan McMullin a renegade, secret, undercover gay homosexual? According to him, it's more like he was a renegade, secret, undercover CIA SPY, which didn't give him much time for traditional heterosexual Mormon sexxxytime courting rituals. But he wants to get married some day! And even if he was gay, there wouldn't be anything wrong with that, as the white nationalist William Johnson curiously points out:

When asked what evidence he has for any of these claims, Johnson emailed The Daily Beast: “Wikipedia tells his story (about his mother). Also, if you Google him, it readily comes up. I said that ‘I think he is a closet homosexual.’ Calling someone a homosexual is no longer defamation. Also, he is a public figure. Word on the street is that he is gay.”

Johnson also tells The Daily Beast that "There are a lot of homosexual Mormons, some struggling to stay in the Church and some who are bitter.” So, using his racist, white nationalist spidey sense gay-dar, Johnson concludes that McMullin likes the 'D'. And hey, he is DEFINITELY the most attractive man in this presidential race, so we wouldn't be unhappy if he were actually a gay spy. We LOVE gay spies.

According to the Daily Beast, this Johnson fella has done a bunch of robo-calls for Trump during this election season. One told people not to vote for that gross Cuban person Marco Rubio, because that's not a very white nationalist thing to do! Here's a snippet of the text from that robocall:

It’s okay that few schools anymore have beautiful white children as the majority, but don’t call me racist. Gradual genocide against the white race is okay, but don’t call me racist. I am afraid to be called racist. Donald Trump is not a racist, but Donald Trump is not afraid.

Don’t vote for a Cuban. Vote for Donald Trump.

He seems nice. Incoherent, and quite dumb, but also "nice."

At one point, Johnson was even a delegate from California! When the Trump campaign got wind of that, they were like "OK, twist our arm, we will return that racist neo-Nazi dude's donations and we guess he can't be a delegate no more." But after they returned one donation, Johnson donated more, and Trump's campaign has held on to those, so we guess everybody is happy together again!

Anyway, the point of this post is that Evan McMullin is a sexxxy gay spy, unless he's not, and if you are a Utahn, you should take all this into consideration and promptly vote for Hillary Clinton.