going through the motions, and then deciding not to go through the motions...

fantastic. october 22nd-23rd.

i'm exhausted, but i feel fantastic.

it's been an interesting week. mentally, i'm feeling quite different. emotionally, i still feel a lack of sadness, even when i think about things that make me sad. but mostly i'm tired from work, and having too much silly fun with aubree.

we really just gel. it's awesome.

this week was a long one, we both worked hard. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong, but my sleep has been off all week. there wasn't a night that i was asleep before 130. twice i was up until 2, once until 230, and last night until after 3.

i try to sleep. i get into bed early, even. but i am wide awake. i've taken ativan i think three times this week in an effort to sleep. one of the nights i was awake actively worrying.

having so much going on means that i have more to think about. and it's good to be thinking about things, because it's all happy positive stuff, being busy stuff, inspirational things and motivational things. but it means that i am spending a lot of time thinking about it, especially when i should be sleeping.

i'll take it.

the house is going swimmingly well. so much is getting accomplished. it feels so good. everywhere i look are solved problems and bells and whistles. some things are a huge deal. it's a nice mix. and i can't put into words how much better i feel about the house and how much more driven i am to fix it to completion.

* * *

it's now november. i feel completely different tonight than i did when i started this and lost days, weeks, even.

but it is called fantastic, so that must be how i felt at the time.

all of this was setting up something i did. and in hindsight? maybe not my brightest moment.

but at the time it felt incredibly liberating.

and very smart of me.

i had this dream when my dad was here working. he came in to wake me up, on my one day to sleep in, to make sure i was going to work.

he interrupted the most fantastic dream.

i was having a lot of sex with intern. in many different places. it was amazing.

when he woke me up, i was pissed. first, for being awake, second for the dream ending abruptly.

i got out of bed and got ready, frustrated and wound up, as i've been for a couple months now, safely.

and i texted nina to tell her that i would try not to hold it against my dad for interrupting my dreams of fucking intern.

and she encouraged me to tell him.

and call it what you will, but i was riding a wave of natural (kindof) highs, and was feeling really fucking confident.

after about twenty minutes of giggling and daydreaming and thinking about it, i did it.

i texted it to him. and then cast the net slightly wider, including greg.

and the silence from greg was overshadowed by the holy shit i got from intern maybe an hour later. to which i responded, 'reminds me that we're supposed to have beers. when is that happening?'

and another hour later, he didn't know.

so i decided. once and for all. told him i'd let him know when i was available (sounding way more confident and direct that i could ever muster in real life). the decision: when i ask him, his response makes it or breaks it.

and greg didn't respond. so i erased his number from my phone two saturdays ago. so i wouldn't make a drunk or sober mistake like that again. or even be tempted to.

and i texted intern yesterday. asked him if he'd like to watch hockey (gross, but he LOVES it) and let me buy him beers on saturday.

no response.

his number has also been deleted from my phone.

had i been in possession of joey's number, or matthew's number, they would have received the same text.

desperate times with a dust-covered snatch require desperate measures.

for once. and for all.

the silence and static of being silently rejected, not once, but twice, and letting go, again, of stupid crushes and held-on to feelings is a painful growth.

and that brings me to today. which doesn't feel like anything that could be loosely defined as fantastic.