Saturday, November 28, 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009

I finally know first hand what the mama bear feeling is. If I even think someone is going to hurt my baby I go into mama bear mode. It is cellular. I almost can't think straight. Now it's not like anything specific has happened or I imagine it will but there are little things that have happened that I can feel are just the start of a mama bear moment. I would be very afraid to be the person to actually fully awaken the mama bear in me.

And this is just in regards to my son.

I feel similar things in regards to others I love. Like my husband for instance. If you mess with him...you get mama bear. If you mess with one of my siblings...mama bear. Don't even think about messing with my parents. ma ma beaaar. yup. I guess when I love you it is fierce. And others need to know that too. I'm generally easy to get along with and not confrontational...but hurt someone I love and all bets are off.

maybe having my own baby has heightened the mama bear sense in me. I feel it more now than ever.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Baby J is growing like a weed.

Today I am meeting a lady in a parking lot to possibly buy some 24mo/2T sized boys clothes.

I heart craigslist.

He is probably about a month, maybe two months out from being in that size and done with the 18 mo sizes. I adore his 18 mo wardrobe. It is precious. He is precious :) but it will be fun to get some new clothes for him. Since there are no new clothes on my own horizon I will live vicariously through my child :) hehe.

*edit*I spoke to soon. I got a new pair of jeans today. I fit back into some of my pre pregnancy pants but low rise is just not a good idea any more in my life. so mid rise it is :) they are super cute. I am happy.

And I did buy the clothes from the parking lot craigs list lady and got a box of great stuff for 30$. 24 mo mostly which is perfect. yay!

Bank...baby J grabs my wallet while I'm talking to the teller...dumps everywhere. Clean up all my stuff while nice lady counts out my money. Next thing I know I feel baby J spit up. And not just a little. I am wearing canvas shoes. Lucky me he missed the floor and soaked my shoe instead. Now that feels nice.

Grocery store...baby J grabs things off the display's and makes eyes at all the lady shoppers. Eventually he gets bored and leans to the side (the one spot where the cart cover I use does not actually cover) and rests his face on the cart.

I have a cough attack and kinda pee my pants. Yes, I said it. I blame childbirth.

Baby J breaks out in a horrible rash all over face where it touched the cart.

Awesome.

Home at 3:00 with a few groceries.

Coughing continues. I insert a Ricola and pray to high heaven I can stop coughing long enough to get baby J to sleep.

Mission accomplished.

It is almost 4:00 and I am done.

Stick a fork in me.

Yes, I still need to go to Fed Ex. Yes, I still need to go to Harris Teeter.

No I am not leaving the house again today. Tomorrow I will try again. I know when I've been beat.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Baby J is learning to eat. He is not happy about it but he is going for it anyhow...IF I am quick and get the spoon in his mouth before he notices :)

I put this video on fb...it is the first day he ate. It was rice cereal. I did it super super soupy with breast milk and he gagged. Then I decided to thicken it up cause I read somewhere that sometime they will eat it if it is thicker...but that was so bad. kind of funny bad actually.

Since then I have tried several other things with no success.

So after giving it another couple weeks and not pushing it I tried banana's again. This time with 2 1/4 oz of bm with a quarter of a banana...pureed. it looked like soup to me...and Judah actually ate a few bites with out gagging. there were a couple tiny tiny chunks in it still and the second one of those got in his mouth he spit the whole bite out and acted like I had just offended him by putting something that nasty in his mouth. lol. crack me up. at least we are making progress!

Friday, November 20, 2009

So my baby. I have decided to just start laying him down and letting him nap. I know...novel concept. But until recently it was futile. He would just cry forever and amp it up. The last couple days (even for his daddy) I have been able to lay him down and after maybe 15-20 minutes of fake fussy crying noisiness he puts himself to sleep. Fingers crossed that it continues. It is not as easy at bed time but for naps and night wakings it is seeming to be the way to go. I am okay with that :)

yay for sleepy babies!

PS. what is up the The Rock changing his name to Dwayne. or whatever it is. I still call him the Rock. He's such a sweetie. I like his movies and I like his personality in interviews and stuff too.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I've just been thinking about the word tenderness lately and how it relates to love. What do you think? Can love survive with no tenderness? how long? Even if it did survive how sweet would it be? What ways can we show tenderness to the ones we love? Do we only show tenderness if someone deserves it? Or is it something to be given freely?

For me. I think it is necessary for love to stay alive. When tenderness is set aside in its place comes something hard and uncaring. So. For me. I will work on tenderness. Staying soft. Cultivating tenderness in my marriage. Cultivating tenderness in my sons life as well.

ten⋅der

1. soft or delicate in substance; not hard or tough.2. weak or delicate in constitution; not strong or hardy.3. (of plants) unable to withstand freezing temperatures.4. young or immature: children of tender age.5. delicate or soft in quality: tender blue.6. delicate, soft, or gentle: the tender touch of her hand.7. easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kind: a tender heart.8. affectionate or loving; sentimental or amatory: a tender glance.9. considerate or careful; chary or reluctant (usually fol. by of).10. acutely or painfully sensitive: a tender bruise.11. easily distressed; readily made uneasy: a tender conscience.12. yielding readily to force or pressure; easily broken; fragile.13. of a delicate or ticklish nature; requiring careful or tactful handling: a tender subject.

Try A Little TendernessOtis Redding

oh she may be wearythem young girls they do get weariedwearing that same old miniskirt dressbut when she gets wearyyou try a little tendernessoh man thatun hunhi know shes waitingjust anticipatingthe thing that youl never never possessno no nobut while she there waitingtry just a little bit of tendernessthats all you got to donow it might be a little bit sentimental nobut she has her greavs and carebut the soft words they are spoke so gentleyeah yeah yeahand it makes it easier to bearoh she wont regret itno nothem young girls they dont forget itlove is their whole happinessyeah yeha yeahbut its all so easyall you got to do is trytry a little tendernessyeahdamn that hart (hard?)all you got to do is know how to love heryou've got tohold hersqueeze hernever leave hernow get to hergot got got to try a little tendernessyeah yeahlord have mercy nowall you got to do is take my adviceyou've got to hold herdon't squeeze hernever leave heryou've got to hold herand neverso you got to try a little tendernessa little tendernessa little tendernessa little tendernessyou've got togot to got toyou've gotta hold herdon't squeeze hernever leaver heryou gotgot got got tonow now nowgot got got totry a little tendernessye

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

“Whatever men expect, they soon come to think they have a right to. The sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on our part, be turned into a sense of injury.” -C.S. Lewis

I think people confuse "rights" and "privileges" ALL the time. It is easy to do in our culture. We live in a privileged time and things that we can live with out quite easily become thought of as necessities. And if they aren't at our disposal instantly we feel slighted or underprivileged. And that is just with material possessions. What about things of the heart?

What are some of my expectations that maybe need to be adjusted?

I think people who expect that life is never hard are the most injured. Because quite frankly...unless you live in a bubble...life is full of hard things. It is how we become better people and learn to survive and it is how we have stories to tell and substance to pass on to others. Yes it is good to get a break from it all here and there but to expect to never have hard things come along is unrealistic and leads to loads of disappointment and injury. And people who carry around their injuries for all the world to see every second are not fun. They never heal. People who carry around scars, now that is different. They have healed. They are on the other side. I don't exactly know how to articulate this. I just know that I want to be the type of person who doesn't let disappointments and injury rule my existence...and in order to do that I think there needs to be some adjustment of expectations and some realizations that I don't have "rights" to all I want and feel like I should get.

Perhaps being humble is part of the answer. I don't know exactly. Perhaps looking at what I DO have instead of what I don't and being thankful is part of the answer. And holding loosely to that which I do call my own. Because things change. It may not always be mine.

Even down to the breath I breathe. I feel like life is a gift. Not a right. When I see someone lose a battle in health...or even just watch them fight for life it becomes even more clear to me that life is a gift. I am following the story right now of a baby who was born a couple weeks ago at only 24 weeks and that baby is fighting for it's life. There are no guarantees. I pray that God has mercy on this child and his family and that he will have the privilege of a life filled with love and hopefully great health too.

Anyhow...this is what I am thinking about today. It is a bit muddled. Feel free to share your thoughts on it if you want.

Monday, November 16, 2009

"The Bible is not a book for the faint of heart- it is a book full of all the greed and glory and violence and tenderness and sex and betrayal that befits mankind. It is not the collection of pretty little anecdotes mouthed by pious little church mice- it does not so much nibble at our shoe leather as it cuts to the heart and splits the marrow from the bone. It does not give us answers fitted to our small-minded questions, but truth that goes beyond what we even know to ask." -Rich Mullins

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Beauty... when you look into a woman's eyes and see what is in her heart. ~Nate Dircks

These are some beautiful women I am getting to know and already love. It is a beautiful thing to share your life with others, it is a beautiful thing to share your hearts with others. I feel like my life is richer because of these relationships...and we've only just begun.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I am not dishwasher savvy. I don't really know the rules. My husband re stacks it once I am done filling it cause apparently I do it wrong. But hey, I try. I guess you're not supposed to put pots and pans in the dish washer? I had no idea until Lance informed me. So I thought this post was particularly interesting and informative...I am learning! I find it particularly interesting that almost everything that says "dishwasher safe" also says "top rack only". I need a second top rack...but then one of them wouldn't be on top now would it...a conundrum.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I personally love climbing into an unmade bed. Everything just the way I left it. The perfect spot ready for me to curl up in...no work no effort...just crawl in and sleep. When I climb into an unmade bed I have to work to get comfortable, everything feels stiff and cold. I usually end up spending several minutes tossing and turing and getting things how I want them...and untucking the end of the bed cause I like the covers wrapped around my feet or I like to kick my feet out from under.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

When I get overwhelmed I tend to freeze. Instead of moving forward and tackling what is in front of me I feel myself shutting down. I am not sure I knew that about myself before now, I mean...I think I'd felt tastes of it but lately...I have been frozen. I do not like that about myself. I know it has left my husband feeling alone. I know it has caused me to give off the wrong impression. I know it is inefficient and not a good way to live. I am trying to pray my way through it and to find ways to be proactive and "take small bites" of the things I am overwhelmed by and continue to move forward instead of freezing. It is not easy. In fact I would venture to say it is down right difficult. But I do not like the feeling of being frozen. It works for a moment but I can't live like that.

Things that overwhelm me:

finances...the shared aspect, the being dependent on someone else aspect, the merging of two lives aspect, the not having my own income aspect, the having past debts that I don't know how I will ever repay aspect...I could go on but that's a taste.

change...so much so fast, I knew my threshold and I got right to the edge...and then...I got pregnant. holy cow.

anger...when someone is angry at me I get the mental picture in my head of someone on the ground covering their head while a bear mauls them. every time. that is what I feel like. I do not know how to fight back. I never have. Other people angry at each other in front of me...someone angry at me....doesn't matter....same reaction. Sometimes I can actually feel myself stop breathing. I could give examples from when I was a kid all the way up to today.

inexperience...if I haven't done it before...I completely 100% stress out. doesn't matter in what respect...a new meal, a new person, a new experience, a new...fill in the blank. stress. I try to not let it stop me from growing my life but the anxiety is sometimes overwhelming. And if you start pushing me towards doing something new it is worse...and I want to dig in my heels, turn around and run away. It's not a great quality but "it is what it is" as the cliche goes.

I guess I have other things I could share but that seems like a good enough list for now. sheesh.

Monday, November 09, 2009

I was sitting at our kitchen table cutting out coupons when my sister sat down at the table across from me with her coffee.

"I can't believe you're a WIFE" she said. "I mean, you used to only come home long enough to drop your stuff and sleep and then you'd be gone again...and now...you're home more than me and you do stuff like cut out coupons..."

We laughed about how much things have changed. She is the busy one these days. Never home for long before she is off to the next thing. And I am at home, being a wife and a mom.

The contrast from then to now is so vast that there are days I am not sure I have met myself. Who is this person? This WIFE. It is a process to figure out for sure. I am taking it a day at a time...I am enjoying this new place...It feels awkward a lot but only because it's new. Some day it will feel more natural. It will become second nature. That will be nice. I'm sure my husband will like that and Judah won't know different cause he's only ever known me as his mom. Until then I will continue to muddle through. I will continue to immerse myself. I will continue to learn and grow...and endure the growing pains that come along with it because it is worth it.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

I really enjoy Sandra Bullock. I have never seen something she was in and not liked it. Hmm. Maybe I have a favorite actress now. I never really had a favorite before. This is a big deal people. Big deal. I don't think I'll start a fan page or stalk her or anything but from now on when someone asks me who my favorite actress is I will have an answer. yup. big. deal.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Baby Judah LOVES being in the water. His bath time every night is his fave. Now we are doing swim lessons at the YMCA and I think he's in heaven :)

Lesson #1 we learned to kick his legs...pretty sure he started kicking before we even got in the water. Lesson #2 we learned to lay him on his back in the water...we were warned that he might not like getting his ears wet. he could have cared less. he played with his toes during that part. Lesson #3 we learned to get his head wet. Yeah...his dad pours water on his head every night at bath time. He smiles.Lesson #4 we learned how to jump into the water. He just thought it was another fun flying game like playing with his daddy.Lesson #5 we learned how to float in a floaty toy so he could be independent. He pretty much assumed the position and kicked his legs the same as he does in his walker..."independent" is his middle name.

So we are not sure what he will learn next but hopefully he will continue to have fun!

Wash pumpkin, cut off top and scrape out seeds and discard. Cook ground beef slightly; drain off fat. Add onion and garlic, saute slightly. Add seasonings and tomato juice; heat. Mix with uncooked rice. Shred cabbage and cut green beans. Layer 1/3 each of the cabbage, green beans, rice and meat mixture in pumpkin. Repeat layers and replace lid. Bake at 350 degrees for 2 1/2 to 3 hours or until done. Pumpkin is done when it is soft when pierced with a fork. Serve with tossed green salad and corn bread.

It is extremely fun to do. People love it.

I was thinking about doing it and also cooking some small pumpkins (cleaned out) and using them as the bowls people eat out of. I don't know...I'd have regular bowls ready to go in case it didn't work how I think it should...

I got this out of a goose berry patch cook book. I love those cook books

Thursday, November 05, 2009

I hope you can see this. It is to big to upload to photobucket...if you can't see it I can try to upload to youtube I suppose. this is off of facebook :)

So I took the church's video which had crappy sound and I dubbed my friend Julie Fuzzybottom's audio from the video she took and combined the two to get this video...which I video'd with my camera off my computer screen. blah blah blah I am so awesome I know blah blah. but seriously...notice how I got the timing perfect...dang I'm good.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

I went to the bank. Went to the post office. Went to the Library. Went to Walgreens. Went to McDonalds and had a treat. Talked to a girlfriend on the phone. It was only an hour of my life but it was wonderful. Judah slept while Lance watched him...they eventually went to the grocery store together. They did not need me for an hour. It was nice. I love my boys.

Monday, November 02, 2009

I wasn't feeling the best yesterday and Lance did such a wonderful job being super daddy for me...he and Judah did a lot of stuff together so I could sleep and rest and take a nice long bath and other things that made me feel better. I have a wonderful husband who doesn't complain and goes the extra mile. I love that.

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So Much to Love

I love people. I love bright eyes. I love my sons, Judah & Lucas. I love laughing. I love my ringtone. I love love. I love Jesus. I love tattoos. I love milk. I love creative expression. I love smiles. I love Philippians. I love bridges. I love my house and haven. I love a rainy night. I love doing nothing. I love almonds and banana chips. I love music. I love cowboy hats. I love Anna Maria Island. I love (diet) dr.pepper. I love a good story. I love wildflowers. I love to fly. I love rod iron. I love babies. I love going to the movies. I love midnight. I love allegra. I love sunsets. I love long kisses. I love the color red. I love starshollow. I love community. I love doing life with friends. I love witty banter. I love jessilynn.com. I love my family. I love pretty things. I love cruisin' with my girls. I love remembering when. I love authentic individuals. I love hot tamales. I love when kids giggle. I love Lance. I love bonfires. I love finding people I thought I'd lost. I love yard sales. I love tacobell. I love seeing people do good. I love violins and steel guitar. I love driving to the airport. I love seeing people around me succeed at their dreams. I love being included. I love flipflops. I love blogging. I love long talks. I love dreaming.

Always On My Mind

Welcome to my blog. I am glad you stopped by! I choose to write my thoughts and share the joys of my life in this forum. I hope you will read and say hi when you can! Blessings!

Jamie

Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, and riches take wing. Only one thing endures and that is character. ~Horace Greeley