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Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002 16:15:17 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1294
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=== 1294 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1294
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002 16:15:04 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1294
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1289 67 votes behi7 6fw95 17jkk 39tj7 8cmdc 8fpe5 6enea emha4 9hlh3 29jkh
1289 3.1 mean 2.9 2.9 3.8 3.3 3.1 2.9 3.1 2.5 2.8 3.6
--- 1294-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most learned, even in the most basic knowledge, tell me,
>
> A theory came up in a conversation this morning, and I was wondering
> if you could confirm it. When humans are very young, they don't
> know much, and it's fun to watch as they learn the basics of life.
> Like eating a rock to learn you can't eat rocks. Then we wondered
> if maybe President Bush had a traumatic experience during that
> lesson and that's why he wants to bomb Iraq. What do you think?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} My first thought was someone should offer Mr. Bush elocution lessons.
} But he'd probably say he knew how to work them chairs already.
--- 1294-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most wise and knowledgeable, who knows all there is to know
> (and then some), please answer me this humble question.
>
> I'm stuck at Dollis Hill with 3 green tokens, an aqua token and a
> 'Lord of the Knips' card, what do I need to do to get to Mornington
> Crescent and win the game?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [409:357:666] inv
} You have:
} an aqua token
} (3) a green token
} a collectible card
}
} [409:357:666] l card
} A gold-edged card bearing a picture of The Lord of the Knips is lying on
} the table.
}
} [409:357:666] l
} Dollis Hill
} From the hilltop, you can see all around the country side. The grass
} is green and lush, and several apple trees grow in a small copse near a
} spring.
} An apple tree is here
} An itinerant baker is here
}
} [409:357:666] l tree
} The tree is tall and leafy, and looks healthy, but it bears no fruit.
}
} [409:357:666] l baker
} The baker is five feet tall, and very fat. She is covered with flour.
} An itinerant baker is in excellent condition.
}
} [409:357:666] consider baker
} An itinirant baker laughs at you mercilessly.
}
} [409:357:666] exits
} North leads to Poppy-covered field
} East leads to Grant's Tomb
} South leads to The Great Road
} West leads to The Great, Grand Multidimensional Bakery of the Dogs
}
} [409:357:666] scan n
} [Range:1]
} Some innocent-looking poppies are here
}
} [409:357:666] scan e
} [Range:1]
} {edited -- wouldn't want to give away the answer to one of my most
} popular questions!}
}
} [409:357:666] scan s
} [Range:1]
}
} [409:357:666] scan w
} [Range:1]
} A disciple of Betty Crocker is here
}
} [409:357:666] w
} The Great, Grand Multidimensional Bakery of the Dogs
} Ovens and mixing machines are everywhere here. Most of them are
} engaged in the production of dog food, dog biscuits, and fake bones. A
} few are making Vice Presidents.
} A disciple of Betty Crocker is here
}
} [409:357:664] l disciple
} A man in a purple shirt and very tight leather pants is here.
} Using:
} A wooden spoon (wielded in right hand)
} A cookbook (used as a shield)
}
} [409:357:664] consider disciple
} A disciple of Betty Crocker laughs at you mercilessly.
}
} [409:357:664] exits
} East leads to Dollis Hill
} Down leads to Secret Underground Complex
}
} [409:357:664] scan d
} [Range:1]
} Eva Braun is here
}
} [409:357:666] d
} You need 4 green tokens to go that way.
}
} [409:357:666] e
} Dollis Hill
} From the hilltop, you can see all around the country side. The grass
} is green and lush, and several apple trees grow in a small copse near a
} spring.
} An apple tree is here
} An itinerant baker is here
}
} [409:357:664] climb tree
} Huh?
}
} [409:357:664] search
} Huh?
}
} [409:357:664] screw it
} Your penis does >>==UNSPEAKABLE THINGS==<< to an itinerant baker.
} An itinerant baker is dead.
} You get a green token from the corpse of an itinerant baker.
}
} [409:357:664]
} [409:357:664]
} [409:357:666]
} [409:357:666]
} [409:357:666] w
} The Great, Grand Multidimensional Bakery of the Dogs
} Ovens and mixing machines are everywhere here. Most of them are
} engaged in the production of dog food, dog biscuits, and fake bones. A
} few are making Vice Presidents.
} A disciple of Betty Crocker is here
}
} [409:357:664] d
} Secret Underground Complex
} The walls are surprisingly clean and dry for a Secret Underground
} Complex. Framed pictures of Il Duce and Emperor Hirohito hang on the
} walls.
} Eva Braun is here
}
} [409:357:662] l eva
} Eva Braun looks like a movie star. She has a lot of cardboard boxes
} stacked around her, with various useless and worthless things set on top
} of them.
}
} [409:357:662] consider eva
} Death will thank you for your gift.
}
} [409:357:662] give card eva
} You give a collectible card to Eva Braun.
} Eva Braun gives you a battered tome.
}
} [409:357:666] l tome
} An autographed copy of Mein Kampf lies here.
}
} [409:357:666] exits
} North leads to Dungeon beneath Mornington Crescent
} Up leads to The Great, Grand Multidimensional Bakery of the Dogs
}
} [409:357:666]
}
} ========================================================================
}
} I think you can probably finish it from here.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ROM area editor that actually works.
--- 1294-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle spectacular! Frubulous, Slibbulant, and Hobeletal! With
> gribbles do you make my fwingdangs flump, you are so soundiciously
> slibberant! I am unworthy to present even my merest kerbulant
> typed letter before your awesome hippersnup! Please, please,
> oh friptious and plappery Orrie, answer me true my unworthy and
> gruttlesome question!
>
> What the hell did I just say to you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} flump, vi. To fill; to swell; to explode.
}
} friptious, adj. syn. plappery.
}
} frubulous, interj. Greetings.
}
} fwingdang, n. Units of knowledge capacity; brain cells.
}
} gribble, n. An amusing and enlightening witticism.
}
} gruttlesome, interj. I will believe you without.
}
} hippersnup, n. A large electrifying staff.
}
} hobeletal, n. A grovelling sychophantic sidekick.
}
} kerbulant, adj. Of or pertaining to w*******ks.
}
} plappery, adj. syn. friptious.
}
} soundicious, adj. Pertaining to the perpetration of murder.
}
} slibberant, adj. Carefree.
}
} slibbulant, n. An almighty and omniscient being.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more friptious dictionary.
--- 1294-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Great Oracle, who would never accidentally write in the space marked
> "For office use only," just what does the office use that space for?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nothing that's going to raise your self-esteem.
}
} School Records: Day 57, pimple has increased in size by 42% we believe
} that additional pimples will soon be evident.
}
} Doctor's Office: picked through magazine pile to find Teen Beat
} bypassing Time and Newsweek.
}
} Employment File: Nov 14, 2002: 5 ask me, 2 tell me. Schedule
} performance review.
}
} Bank Records: month end balance $1.47, cancel unsolicited
} advertisements plans.
}
} Job Application: seems shifty, call homeland security office.
}
} Prison Records: Crazy Psycho Killer Pete paid $50 and pack of
} cigarettes to move new prisoner to his pod.
}
} Dental Records:
}
} Obituary Ad Application: Wife looks cute, reminder to call two weeks
} after funeral.
}
} You owe the Oracle some nice comments when my review comes up.
--- 1294-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great Orrie Orrie bo-Borrie, banana-fanna-fo-Forrie, Fee Fie
> Fo-Forrie, Orrie
>
> Did whoever wrote that song (I think it was Shirley Ellis, but I'm not
> sure) fail to anticipate the nasty result of using the name "Chuck,"
> or was that bit of nastiness intentional?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There has been much debate over this issue within oracle circles over
} the years. Taken on it's own, 'The Name Game' might seem like a purely
} innocent song, but one only needs to look at Ms Ellis's other well
} known title 'The Nitty Gritty' to dispel all doubt about its innocence.
}
} "Yeah, mmm, yeah"
}
} The opening line sets the tone for what is to follow
}
} "Do you know that some folks know about it, some don't
} Some will learn to shout it, some won't
} But sooner or later baby, here's a ditty
} Say you're gonna have to get right down to the real nitty gritty
} Now let's get right on down to the nitty gritty"
}
} Well, is there any more to be said? Apparently Ms Ellis thinks so:
}
} "Now yeah, mmm, nitty gritty now
} Ooooowee, right down to the real nitty gritty
} Ooooowee, can you feel it double beatin', I keep repeatin
} Get right down to the real nitty gritty
} Say it again double beatin'"
}
} The song continues with various variations on this theme. So it
} should be clear by now that that these songs are nothing but thinly
} veiled innuendo to which even the most superficial analysis reveals
} the true intent.
}
} She is of course using these lyrics as a type of subliminal advertising
} for Soap products. Nitty gritty referring to dirt and grit that
} would require 'double beating' (a traditional way of cleaning clothes).
}
} And it now becomes plain to see that "Chuck" becomes 'Chuck bo Buck
} Bo-uck fanna fo Fuddy Fee fy mo Muck Chuck!'
}
} The subliminal reference to soap should now be blindingly obvious.
}
} You owe the Oracle the nose on your face and a bar of Soul Patterson
} Medicated Soap.
--- 1294-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear lascivious, libidinous, licentious, lemon-scented Oracle,
> whose synapses fire faster than the speed of monarchy:
>
> Why are some words ruder than others even though they describe the
> same thing? Why will my mother accept the verb "to procreate" with
> nary a raised eyebrow, whilst mentioning the F-word within her 72-yard
> hearing radius will cause her ear-twisting wrath to descend upon me?
> Why doesn't "Oh, reproduce!" work as a profanity, no matter how much
> feeling you put into it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Why the procreate are you asking me? Do I look like Miss reproducing
} Manners?
} Take your intercoursing question and ask someone who gives a beget!
--- 1294-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Oracle, you are the
> squirrel I seek. I'm a grey squirrel, but not a very
> good one. I guess I'm nuts. Or rather, I'm not nuts,
> because I didn't bother to store them up for the
> winter. Now I'm gonna starve.
>
> Can you help a poor, starving squirrel? You certainly
> get a lot of nuts in your business. Cripes, your
> in-basket must overflow with them. Could you spare me
> a ready supply during these coming cold months?
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do you Yahoo!?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ghoddd dabmnit, I have a cohdd id by doze. Id must be tuh winter.
} I ab also sdeezibg a lot. Do I Yahoo? Do I ACHOO!? Ab I duts
} for tryibg to adwser you? Hold od a midute, I'b godda sdeeze, oh,
} oh, ahh, ahhhh
}
} CASHEW!!!!!!!!
}
} You owe tuh Oracle a week ib bed.
--- 1294-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O mighty Oracle, whose animated alter ego I am not fit to draw,
>
> In the intro to the animated series "The Simpsons" Homer drops a
> radioactive rod in the sewers. This has happened once a week for a
> large number of years.
>
> Where do those rods end up and what effect does it have on the ecology?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Why do you think everyone's yellow and only has 4 fingers?
--- 1294-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle all seeing.
>
> Some things are better done with your eyes closed, like...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, that explains the results of the US elections this year.
--- 1294-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Complete and utter Oracle, I dend over beeply and drovel in
> your girection, with all my foonerisms asploat.
>
> Do you ever have one of those days when nothing at all makes
> any sense?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Somehow, except for the mince.