Large Women, Plastic Guns and Sad Raps

Michael ArceneauxDecember 6, 2010

Hark, the herald hood harlot sings. It appears another female rapper (or something) has decided to take their manufactured beef for attention with Nicki Minaj to the World Star Hip Hop home page. This time the beef comes in the form of someone who is best described as the Lady of Rage’s meaner auntie. Or uncle, I haven’t quite decided.

Yes, you see Mowett Ryder has joined Keys, Lil’ Kim, and a bunch of other women you don’t give a damn about in launching tirades at the new Queen Bee of Female Rap.

There are many things one could say about Mowett. The first being the obvious: She has the stupidest rap name ever. I’m assuming her name is some sort of homage to liquor and I don’t know, motorcycles, the record label, or someone’s face and/or penis. Whatever the name is rooted in, it’s corny.

Then there’s the other obvious thing about her: She sucks as a rapper. Like she’s really, really terrible. So awful that I now think Hi Dolla Honey may be the second coming of Eminem by comparison.

I happen to share Minaj’s notion that at this point it’s best for all women in rap to get along. However, I realize that Santa isn’t real (spoiler) and that one person’s success sometimes spawns stunts from jealous suckers. So, I get Mowett’s shtick but my thing is if you’re going to take that route can’t you at least make it interesting?

All I see in this video is a large woman with her co-workers from that bail bonds place across the street from Church’s Chicken toting plastic guns in a rented car making veiled threats via trite lyrics for a low budget rap video.

Bah humbug.

I’ll give Godzilla two points for the “Darling Nikki” reference, but only because I adore that song. Unfortunately, that’s the only compliment I’m giving this misguided mama (pending DNA results). One can’t talk about someone in a wig when they’re rocking a discounted flea market hair piece themselves. Nor can Queen Kong get at anyone’s sexual boasting while wearing short shorts and attempting to pop that crotch. Quite poorly, I might add. She’s dancing as if she’s of age to frequent the kind of spots where “the club” doubles as a BBQ restaurant in the day and a bingo hall every Friday from 5-7:30 p.m. (true story).

And hell, is she in the forest rapping? I know Smokey said only I can prevent forest fires, but dammit if she didn’t just tempt me.

Obviously, Mowett will be gone faster than she can piss away the cheap ass wine she likely drank before this video started filming. But, these sorts of disses will continue. Some older people simply can’t accept the fact that a new generation of female rappers don’t wake up thinking,”Who do I wanna shoot? What man who will write my lines and make me in his image do I need to go on a run for?”

Get mad all you want nostalgists, but it’s a new day no matter what your big face having, non-rapping auntie-unc thinks. Even if you can’t accept that yet, at least come with a better diss for it in the future.