Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Middle Class Wine: St. Gisbertus Pomegranate +Lime Cocktail

It's no secret that we like our wine in this house. It's also no secret that we like ALDI a great deal, as well. What happens when those two worlds collide and we bring home a new bottle from the store? Let's find out.

The liquor section is the first thing you pass in our ALDI, so naturally it is the first place I stop. I was immediately drawn in by this bottle:

It beckoned like a reasonably priced siren.

St. Gisbertus Pomegranate+Lime Cocktail. The bottle whispered of its delights. "Mild and Sweet," it claimed. "Aromas and flavors of pomegranate with a hint of lime lead to a sweet refreshing finish," it boldly proclaimed. We were sold! It was decided on the spot that this would be the sparkling beverage with which we would toast the New Year!

And at $2.99, what could possibly go wrong?

As midnight neared, we set up the wine glasses and got ready to get our drink on. On twisting off the fancy plastic/metal-combo cap, I immediately noted the distinct lack of a hiss of escaping carbon dioxide. No bubbles merrily rose to the top of the bottle. I double checked the ingredients. "Carbonated grape wine," right there. It's even the first ingredient. I gave it a hard pour into the glass. I was rewarded with a weak layer of bubbles. No worries. The color was very nice, so I had that going for me.

I took a quick nose and promptly recoiled. What did I just smell? I couldn't place it, but it was eerily familiar. I knew that I had smelled that smell before, but I could not place it. I found it gravely unsettling. Even the wife cautiously shrugged when I asked her to label the smell. We decided to bravely move forward and give a tentative sip.

There was immediately a taste that connected strongly with the smell. I can't impress upon you that this was as Lenny would call it, "A Bad Thing." My brain worked desperately to process the information. Why couldn't I place the flavor? It certainly wasn't pomegranate or lime. At the stroke of midnight we drank our final toast, I finally realized what I was smelling and tasting.

Liver sausage.

I shit you not, this cocktail, was redolent of braunschweiger. I immediately consulted Catholic.org to check out their list of Saints. Let's see, the patron saint of abdominal pain is Erasmus, the patron saint of wine trade is Amand; no way was he involved here. I checked the whole list. No Saint Gisbertus. I scoured the internet for minutes on end. The only Gisbertus I could find in religion was Gisbertus Voetius, and he was a Calvinist!

Wrong Calvin.

If he was the patron saint of anything, it would be filthy lies and deception. And possibly liver sausage. Actually, no. St. George is the patron saint of butchers, so he probably has that covered. In the end, there was only one thing to do:

You can almost hear the sewer rats gagging.

St. Gisbertus Pomegranate+Lime Cocktail
Available at ALDI for around three bucks.Smell: Sickly, slightly meaty. Hard to tell, I pulled my head back from the glass pretty quick.Taste: Cloying, with an overarching braunschweiger theme.Finish:Not a fucking chance.Headache the next day?: Yes, from the half bottle of Toasted Caramel Black Velvet Whiskey I drank to get that liver-sausage taste out of my mouth.