Saturday, April 11, 2009

Stillness eludes me often. Hard to find and harder to keep, I crave peaceful silence like a drink of cool water.

Today was a long one. It really began last night, a binge I was half-expecting, tried to prevent, then didn't. Discomfort finds me attempting wholeness with food, much like others use drugs or alcohol. The numbing effect is very real and too often desperately needed, to avoid feeling when it hurts too much. So indeed I left...filled to the brim, but not satisfied at all.

Recovering today left me full, bloated, sick, tight, uncomfortable, anxious, only half-present, and irritated mostly with myself throughout a day I'll never get back. Again? Really?

Still, it was probably one of the best post-binge days ever. I was reminded of that after reading journal entries of entirely paralyzing experiences in the past. Sure, it sucks. I hate it. But I'm okay.

I hit the reset button by burning 663 calories at the gym and avoiding food. I went to my sister, napping at home on a Friday afternoon. Crawling into bed with her, we laid in her bed and breathed in tune: bellies up and down, up and down, under the coziness of the thick, heavy blankets. For a long while, we stared at the ceiling, until she said, "Can you turn up the volume on those thoughts for me?" She's a good sister.

"Spirit, I am not good at this, whatever this is. Am I doing this right? Am I completely off-track, lost, out-of-touch? Am I building myself a God that does what I want? I don't know what I believe and I wish I did. Process. Journey. Growth. Sweet time. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. Decisions. Opportunities. Too much. My "dissect, understand, analyze"-self, wants to hit pause, and figure it all out, yet, the clock keeps ticking, keeps moving, and I fear that I won't move along with it. Life changes. People change. Times change. The only constant is change. I feel like I'm fighting change and I won't want to, I don't need to. I need help. This is too much for me. I still don't know what causes days like today. After 3 years with an eating disorder, you'd think I'd have a handle on triggers, reasons, and recovery. But life is fluid and keeps changing so much that, once I gain confidence in one area, with certain people and situations, it changes again. I don't adapt gracefully to change, but I want to. I read this week, "Having an eating disorder is not a sin, but not giving it to God is." I can't do this on my own. I know that. I feel like "rock bottom" is a place we like to think exists, so that there is an end to our misery. But "rock bottom" just seems to drop lower and lower to where I'm just hurting in new ways I never imagined were possible. I cannot do this on my own. I need you. Whatever the "you" is in that sentence, I need it. I need purpose, protection, wholeness, healing. I need a lot of things I just can't attain on my own. Help please."