American Flag Needs Protection

The U.S. Congress wastes time, energy, and C-SPAN bandwidth debating the need for a Constitutional amendment protecting our flag. The answer is simple: we need this amendment more than any other law ever.

According to the Bureau of Unprovable Statistics (BUST), at least 66% of Americans live in houses fabricated entirely of flags. These brave citizens live in constant risk of fire ruining their homes and everything they believe in. At least 5000 Boy Scouts were immolated last year due to the flag patches on their shoulders. Can we let this go on?

How to spot a flag burner: you might think they look like you and me, but they do not. You'll know them because of the grease stains on their clothes and inexplicable burn marks. They are often seen playing soccer. Flag burners have usually quaffed quantities of angel dust mixed with propane, while dancing the 'monkey' at a Beach Boys concert. If you see a pair of tennis shoes draped over power lines, beware, because a flag burner lives there. Approach them with extreme caution, or better yet, get in your car and run them over.

Old Glory has many magical powers. If you hold it up at arms length and stare, you will be shielded from any unseemly or complicated problem. Not to mention, the President and lawmakers of both parties wrap themselves up in the flag whenever they find themselves alone in unseasonably chilly political winds. It repels bullets fired by our enemies, and was used as a raft to evacuate victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Some critics will tell you it's about free speech, which is a specious and misleading argument. You can say whatever you want without burning a flag, and this action isn't speech: it's burning. There simply is no constitutional protection for burning. You can't shoot an endangered bald eagle.

The only people who are against this law are a group so vile their names should not be allowed to grace these pages: the asbestos flag makers lobby. These merchants of death believe that they have all the answers: if you make a fireproof flag, you foil the protesters once and for all. But that flag won't fly freely: it's tainted by industry.

Our Congress is hijacked by this pressing reform. Call your Senator! Call your Representative! Let them know you want them to vote on this Amendment tomorrow so that it'll get signed into law by the Fourth Of July, and let our lawmakers move on to other debates like Alaskan Bridges and establishing English as our national language.

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