Stirring Stories

Happy Birthday Canada! Really.

Canada celebrates its 150th birthday this week. The Queen gets excited about these types of anniversaries. Australia and Canada are the two remaining large land masses of the former British empire that still want Elizabeth II as their queenie. Unfortunately for her, one’s a former penal colony and the other’s really boring.

Canada. What’s the point? It’s a nation that sits there between America and the Eskimos and hasn’t really achieved much.

Pamela Anderson might be best know actress from Canada. I find her a bit plastic…

Every famous Canadian I can think of from Justin Bieber, to Celine Dione to Michael Bublé is too annoying to want to share a drink with. As such I have no idea what they actually do and why they are famous. I am sure they will soon be forgotten. Much like their country.

I have nothing against people from the far Northern hemisphere. On the right side of the pond we have Scandinavians – out of the closet socialists with seriously hot women and serious drinking problems. They are best known for raping and pillaging. Their helmet and horns look has a certain Game of Thrones appeal. The Canadians on the other hand are best know for having a border. They also have policemen called Mounties who prance around on horseback in tight, colourful costumes, striking poses. There is no historical record of them ever having solved a crime.

Poutine. The kind of recipe that always sounds good at 3am

Canada sometimes has a fleeting appeal to Americans who have felt the urge to cross a border to avoid the draft, the law or an angry spouse. The problem is Mexico, which also shares a border with the US has better food, warmer weather and cheaper drugs.

Some American 19 years olds believe that Canada makes great beer. This has much to do with the fact that American 19 year olds can legally drink in Canada. The national dish of Canada is called Poutine. The UK version of Poutine is called a chip butty. A chip butty consists of French fries on white bread, smothered in gravy. The Canadians substitute cheese curds for bread. I don’t know what cheese curds are but they sound like some kind of waste by-product. The dish sounds about as appetising as a chip butty. The nation that celebrates Poutine as “cuisine” is a nation celebrating hangover food.

They pull a pice pint at the Old Bull & Bush in Hampstead

I’m writing this sitting in a genteel pub in Hampstead, North London, called the old Bull and Bush. It was founded before Canada became a country. They serve good fish and chips and pull a decent pint of ale. It has nothing to do with Canada but then, little ever does. There is no particular point to this column. Much like Canada.

PS – I have many Canadian friends. They are all really lovely people. None of them live in Canada. I really do wish them a Happy Canada Day!