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So, would you or wouldn't you? The scene
in which an ex appears at the church doors just as the minister utters, “Speak
now or forever hold your peace,” may be a Hollywood cliché, but it is increasingly
common for couples to invite exes to the ceremony, and experts say there’s no
need for big-screen dramatics with a little careful planning and consideration.

To be
sure, many traditionalists including Emily Post advise against inviting ex
beaus or spouses because it can create uncomfortable scenes like those in movie
weddings or simply make things odd for other guests.

“It’s not
a good idea to invite an ex-spouse to an encore wedding,” Post writes in Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette,
Fifth Edition
(HarperCollins, 2006).
“Friends can feel awkward celebrating a new marriage when the former husband or
wife is there. Even if you and your ex are on good terms, there are other
family members to consider, and there’s no reason to open old wounds when it
can be avoided.”

Post adds
that seeing an ex at the ceremony can be confusing to any children involved,
making it harder for them to celebrate the beginning of their new family. But
many modernists make the case for inviting the ex, particularly if your kids
will be ring bearers and flower girls.

“If you
and your ex had children together, it’s not fair to your children to exclude
their parent unless the parent has been abusive,” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD,
psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex
and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage
(Adams Press, 2008).

That
advice comes with a few caveats, though. You should make it clear to your ex
and everyone involved what his or her boundaries are and whether their current
partner is invited or if they can bring a date.You should also make sure your
current partner understands exactly why you are inviting your ex well in
advance of your wedding day.

“This is a
time for everyone to get along,” says Tessina, also known as Dr. Romance. “The
best rule is no surprises for anyone, no secrets from anyone.” Wedding
experts say the key to avoiding surprises, secrets and any ugly scenes that
might follow is communicating with everyone early in the planning process.

“Talk to the ex before sending the invitation. Ask how them how they feel
about coming,” says Suzi Tozer, a Saint Louis-area event planner who operates Partiesdiy.com. “You’ve obviously moved on and are considering
including them, but they might find it extremely hard to watch you get married.
First I’d talk to my future mate and second I’d talk to my ex before addressing
the envelope.”

It’s also important to examine your own reasons for including your ex. Are
you co-parents on good terms, for example, or could there be a darker motive
behind the invitation?

“Is it because you want to share this special day with someone who you will
always care about, or do you want them to feel bad that you are so happy?” asks
Tozer.

If that’s the case, you should work through those feelings, especially if
there are children involved who might pick up on your negative emotions.

“Keep your focus on making the occasion pleasant for your children, and not
your own resentments and frustrations,” says Tessina. “You can work those out
in therapy before or after the wedding.”

You guys know how it is. Traditional honeymoons are often all
about spending days in bed and nights lingering over champagne, candlelight and
decadent dinners. But these days, the internet abounds with all-inclusive
resort packages, hotel deals and cruises that cater to honeymooners who want to
bring their kids along. A soon-to-be-released romantic comedy starting Adam
Sandler and Drew Barrymore was even recently renamed The Familymoon. However,
at least one well-known relationship expert argues family honeymoons are often
not very funny or romantic. To get the scoop, we talked to relationship expert, April Masini of AskApril.com.

“Family vacations are great -- but
they're not known for lots of sex, intimate walks on the beach where you
discuss your future together, and candlelit dinners with wine and caressed
fingertips,” says April. “They're known for rough
and tumble, somebody getting carsick and, if you have a blended family, new (or
established) jealousies and sibling rivalry. None of this is the stuff of honeymoons.”

Masini is all in favor of
inclusiveness when it comes to the wedding ceremony itself. But, by definition,
honeymoons should be exclusive, even when it comes to the couple’s own
children. After all, it’s hard to have raucous relations or even long, intimate
discussions over meals when there are kids in the next room who need breakfast
or bedtime stories.

“When it comes to a honeymoon, remember what the
honeymoon is about: it's a celebration between the two newlyweds to mark their
wedding with romance, sex and intimacy,” says Masini, who offers relationship
advice through AskApril.com. “Including the
children will completely cut into that celebration and dilute it at best -- but
tank it completely at worst.”

Although a family honeymoon may seem
like the perfect opportunity to solidify a blended family, she says it’s more
important to establish yourselves as a couple first. Statistics have
shown that 50 percent of first marriages, 67 percent of second, and 73 percent
of third marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. Blended family drama isn’t the
only factor behind those numbers, but anyone who has ever planned or even
attended a wedding that involves children, stepchildren, exes and multiple sets
of grandparents understands it can add stress to the new union.

“This is even more reason to take a honeymoon
that is just the two of you,” says Masini. “It gives you a break from all these
relationships at a time when you most need it -- after having planned and wed
in a blended family wedding.”

It may be difficult to find
childcare for long enough to allow for an extended and exotic romantic getaway,
but just a few days can make a big difference when it comes to building a
relationship – and a family -- that lasts a lifetime.

“Even if your honeymoon is a weekend
away -- in town or out of town -- it's a great memory to make and preserve, and
a great way to start a new marriage,” Masini says.