Celebrity Big Brother 2011 - Pete Burns on fire

Pete Burns says you have to be a special kind of freak to stay the course in BB

Pete Burns says you have to be a special kind of freak to stay the course in BB

Former CBB housemate Pete Burns has stormed back on to our screens this year, spitting venom on Channel 5’s Big Brother’s Bit On The Side and sending the sister show shooting up the ratings.

If they weren’t safely locked inside, the housemates would be cowering in terror at what the Dead Or Alive singer has to say about them.

He has called Jedward, 19, freaks, Amy Childs, 21, a dumb bimbo and describes body contouring surgery nut Darryn Lyons, 46, as looking like a condom stuffed with walnuts.

The disco diva, dressed only in Vivienne Westwood for our exclusive photoshoot, revealed what he thinks of the housemates and who he expects to emerge triumphant next month.

He knows from his own stormy stint inside the house in 2006 what it takes to win the public’s affection after becoming their favourite tormentor-in-chief, branding glamour model Jodie Marsh, 32, an imbecile and comparing ex-Baywatch star Traci Bingham, 43, to vomit.

He might have spent much of his first stint with Big Brother begging to be let out, but 52-year-old Pete is loving his triumphant return.

The extreme fashion fiend says: “The ratings went through the roof as soon as I came on. I was the fourth most talked about person on global Twitter at one point. That said, I haven’t a clue what Twitter is. I haven’t even got a computer. I’m scared of them!”

Pete, who takes an hour to put on his specialist make-up every day, is married to Michael Simpson, 43, who he has been with for five years. He even plays step-dad to Michael’s 14-year-old daughter, though they have all had to get used to his demanding regime.

He reveals: “I use a specialist brand of make-up that is like the movie make-up they used in 1930s films.

“You can put it on and it will stay on for as long as you need it to. Five days and it’ll still be there. It doesn’t crack, crease or slip and I even create my own shades with it.”

While Pete insists this is the best Big Brother yet, he says the housemates are having it far too easy with the tasks.

He cackles: “Big Brother should slowly turn the screw.

“Turn off all the hot water first. If they can’t bathe they’ll freak. Then confiscate the mirrors so they can’t see how grubby they are, then turn off all the lights. We need a bit of psychological torture to make it entertaining.”

In fact, if potty Pete had his way he’d have the pampered celebs living like cattle.

He reveals: “These celebrities have such cosseted lives they could do with a bit of nastiness. I’d have put them in mud huts in the middle of a field, with cow pats everywhere, a trough to eat out of, a pail for their water and barbed wire to keep them in.”

There is one thing Pete hasn’t been able to take his eyes off.

“Darryn’s stomach – those fake abs look repulsive! He looks like he’s wearing a fatsuit. I find it fascinating, I want to see it up close so I can give it a poke and see if it moves.”

But the legendary You Spin Me Round singer saves most of his venom for pop pranksters Jedward.

Settling into a bitch-fest, he spits: “They are a two-headed monster of t**ttishness! The producers should have split them up – separated them completely so we could watch them bubble into meltdown and kill their careers. Those stupid gormless looks they always wear give me the creeps.”

He says: “She’s just a posho and people were always going to be slow to warm to her. I think she was nice when she wasn’t banging on about the cleaning.”

Despite being a stately 5ft 8in tall, Pete almost always wears stiletto heels and refuses to be seen without his make-up.

Pete says you have to be a special kind of freak to stay the course in BB.

He adds: “After the first few weeks you forget the cameras are there and you need to make your own entertainment.

“I would throw on a ridiculous outfit and then run really fast through the living room. You’d hear the cameramen behind the walls falling over each other to keep up.

Mind you, I’d do anything to avoid the housemates I was stuck with. Rula Lenska, what a menopausal old bag!”Housemates look away now! Here is what Pete Burns has to say about your chances of victory:

Amy: She’s too dumb to play any kind of long game, let’s be honest. She’s nice enough and is a good looking lass, but all she can think about is false eyelashes, fake tan and body waxing. I don’t think she's playing dumb. She isn’t clever enough to play a role.

Bobby: Sweatgate has turned me on to him. I loved his rant, too. But he’s too intelligent for a show like this and he can’t keep a lid on how he feels. He’s a bit out of his depth as he’s surrounded by reality show veterans who know how to play the game.

Darryn: Apart from those abs, I've met him and he’s a decent bloke. Whenever he went to take my photo as a paparazzi he always asked first.

Jedward: They are just creepy. They’re asexual, unattractive, juvenile and stupid. Unfortunately I think the public might let them win.

Kerry: I love Kerry. She’s so adorable, I think she’ll win. Though if I was given her “be a diva” task I’d have aced it, setting fire to the carpet, locking myself in the only loo and chucking their stuff out of the bedrooms. If they send in her mum Su, that would be cruel. Kerry doesn’t need her hanging around. Su says she’s 50 but she looks 70.

Lucien: He’s too young – I doubt he even has pubes. Can we confirm if he has reached puberty, please? I think he’s the dullest.

Paddy: Do it for the travellers, Paddy! He seems like a nice guy. I have no clue who he is as I didn’t watch My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding but I like him. Hope-fully he’ll get into a scrap at some point so we can see his fists in action.

Pamela: She’s a classic LA woman – perfect on the outside, not with it on the inside. When I'm on set, I’m sure I can hear her banging on the diary room door demanding her pills.

Tara: She was a mess when she came in, slurring her words and banging on about the door incident. The door opened for you, you daft cow!

These American women never do very well in these TV shows as us Brits can’t understand them. They’re all in cuckoo land.