“Like A Hand Job In A Bangkok Bathhouse”

The people who work for the wire services and the news networks are physically incapable of writing sentences like, "This election is even more over than the Knicks-Heat series." They are required, if not by law then by neurological reflex, to describe every presidential campaign as "fierce" and "drawn-out" and "hotly-contested."

But this campaign, relatively speaking, will not be fierce or hotly contested. Instead it'll be disappointing, embarrassing, and over very quickly, like a hand job in a Bangkok bathhouse. And everybody knows it. It's just impossible to take Mitt Romney seriously as a presidential candidate. Even the news reporters who are paid to drum up dramatic undertones are having a hard time selling Romney as half of a titanic title bout.

The power of precognition must be both a gift and a curse for Taibbi. On the one hand, it allows him to foretell with certainty the outcome of a presidential election that won't be decided for half a year, but on the other hand, he also knew Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.