Universal Jokes

Indians are total geniuses. Not only they have an opinion on anything & everything but the way they see & perceive things is also quite unique. Certain words that globally is known for something takes a whole new meaning for Indians.

AUTO
What the world understands?
Auto (n): Def: Working by itself with little or no direct human control.
What Indians understand?
Auto (n): A rickety 'threewheeler' whose driver never agrees to go by meter.

CHANGE
What the world understands?
Change (v): Make or become different.
What Indians understand?
Change (n): Chillar.

RUBBER
What the world understands?
Rubber (n): Def: A tough elastic polymeric substance or eraser.
What Indians understand?
Rubber (n): Scented pieces of eraser 'Rubbad' lost & bought on daily basis in school.

HORN
What the world understands?
Horn (n): A hard permanent outgrowth, often curved and pointed, found in pairs on the heads of cattle, sheep, goats, giraffes, etc.
What Indians understand?
Horn (v): "Abe Gaadi Hata Saale...'

LINE
What the world understands?
Line (n): A straight or curved continuous extent of length without breadth.
What Indians understand?
Line (v): A way to approach girls, mostly in a cheesy way, Line Maarna.

SHOW
What the world understands?
Show (v): Be, allow, or cause to be visible (n): stage performance.
What Indians understand?
Show (v): An act imposed on you while a game of 'Teen patti.'

PICTURE
What the world understands?
Picture (n): A painting or drawing.
What Indians understand?
Picture (v): An act of 3 hour entertainment in a cinema hall, pronounced as 'picchur.'

PASTE
What the world understands?
Paste (n): A thick, soft, moist substance/ often used as an adhesive especially for sticking papers.
What Indians understand?
Paste (v): The thing you try to put on your brush in the morning while you are half asleep.

ENJOY
What the world understands?
Enjoy (v): Take delight or pleasure in (an activity or occasion)
What Indians understand?
Enjoy (v): The joy you experience often termed as 'Rang Raliyaan Manana' Ya 'Gulcharey Udaana.'

These are actual complaints received by 'Thomas Cook Vacations' from dissatisfied customers:

1. They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.

2. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food.

3. We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.

4. We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.

5. The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.

6. We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.

7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8. No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.

9. Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.

10. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

11. The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.

12. It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.

13. I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.

14. The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.

15. When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.

16. We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.

17. It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.

18. I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.

19. My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap.

So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding.

"What ya got, mister?" she asked.
(Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)

I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"
(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.)

I said, "They're for my girlfriend."

She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have f***ed up!"

Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except her Mom, who was now desperately trying to assume an innocent shade of invisible.