I realize I’m addressing “the ladies” in this article, which is incredibly presumptuous. I have a pretty clear idea of who reads this site, and most of them aren’t ladies. But I’m trusting you gentlemen to spread this around. Not only for my sake, but for yours as well. We all enjoy getting gifts from our lady friends, but there’s nothing more disappointing than opening up a neatly wrapped box, only to discover emasculating sleepwear.

Here’s the deal: guys don’t give a shit what they’re sleeping in. Ever… I don’t give a shit what I sleep in, and I’m not exactly what most people would consider “manly”. I’m a comedy writer. My hands are soft, and my physique is poorly defined. I’ve never swung an axe, and the one time I went hunting, I missed the deer on purpose because I was too taken aback by its majesty. I’ve watched a lot of Oprah, and I’ve seen every season of Sex and the City. But I’ll be damned of I ever crawl under the covers wearing a matching top and bottom purchased for me by a woman I’m in a relationship with.

Not to say that a gentleman can’t sleep in comfort, that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. The point I’m trying to make is that buying your dude a pair of flannel jammies is one of the most emasculating things you can do. You might as well paint his toenails and start a pillow fight. You’re going to turn him into the best girlfriend you never had. You may think that sounds like a good idea, but it’s a slippery slope ladies. Because over time, the man who sleeps in the heart-patterned pajamas you bought him will become the man who makes you go downstairs with a baseball bat and a flashlight at two a.m. to investigate a suspicious noise. You don’t want that, do you?

Your boyfriend is not a dress-up doll, get it? We all know that dudes are full of machismo and sometimes their egos may get out of hand, but it’s not something you should be so quick to stifle. Especially not with a pair of pajamas. Let your man sleep in his underwear, or a bear skin. You’ll be both be better off.

If my powerful prose hasn’t convinced you, please check out this picture. It is the end game of a woman buying a man pajamas. Notice the dominating composition of the photo, woman sitting two heads above her man, man staring off into the distance, wondering what it would be like to sleep with a woman who respects his masculine strength. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.

These his and hers pajamas feature a special pocket in the ladies' version for her boyfriends balls.