Trump Vows To Increase Wounded Warriors By 2,000%

DES MOINES, Iowa — Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump is skipping the presidential debate on Thursday so he can instead hold a fundraiser to uphold his promise to increase wounded warriors by 2,000 percent.

“I support all veteran organizations that help wounded warriors,” Trump told members of the media. “When I’m elected president, I promise that there will be more wounded warriors than ever before in history. We’ll be fighting wars with countries I’ve never even heard of before. It’ll be a bloodbath.”

It’s all part of Trump’s campaign to stimulate the economy and “make America great again,” and he says he is “looking at the bigger picture” and focusing on ways to help beleaguered sectors of the economy — with a priority on increasing the number of veterans to care for.

Trump went on to say that he will focus on nations harboring ISIS first, while moving onto “loser” countries later.

“Syria? Gone. ISIS? Gone. Anything that has to do with ISIS? Gone. Statues of ISIS in Egypt? Gone. Egypt? Gone. The Isis Collections wig company in New Jersey? Yep — gone.”

When asked about the impact to the VA and it’s already stretched resources, Trump says he has a plan for that too.

“I’d love to bring in my friend Dr. Jack Kevorkian,” he said.

With the news that protracted land battles in southwest Asia will not fall by the wayside under Trump’s strategy, no one is more excited at the much needed increase in wounded warriors than the non-profit Wounded Warrior Project.

“Quite frankly we were concerned that, with the number of wounded warriors decreasing, funds would dry up and leave us unable to fight our numerous lawsuits defending our brand,” CEO Steven Narduzzi said. “But with Mr. Trump as our ally, we’ll be able support our bloated overhead structure and help veterans with injuries we’ve never imagined in our wildest dreams.”

Trump’s campaign manager Corey Lewandowski spoke to members of the media shortly after announcing Trump’s boycott of the debate, building on the momentum the move has generated.

“Veterans care is like foreign policy: You can definitely kill your way out of it,” campaign manager Corey Lewandowki told members of the media. “And if Donald Trump is elected into office, you can be sure that lots of people — I don’t know who, or where, or how — will be killed.”

“To make America great again!” he said, raising his hands toward the crowd.

To promote maximum participation at the wounded warrior fundraiser, Trump’s campaign announced the first 500 veterans at the rally will be given Suzuki Hayabusa motorcycles, a handle of Crown Royal, and a pair of semi-automatic firearms.

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Jack S. McQuack is not in control of his life. He writes for Duffel Blog to compensate for not dying in a blaze of glory in some third-world hellhole. In his spare time he enjoys eating until he hates himself and has a mean case of prostatitis.