Don't women love the man, not the
penis? After all, that's the message we hear from our early teens:
it's not what you've got, it's what you do with it that counts.

But is this just small-dicked
men telling women what to think about penis size? Or is it women
being kind and reassuring to men with small and average sized
penises? Suppose it isn't what women really think about penis size
at all?

I
was once in bed with a girlfriend when for some reason we started
talking about penis size.

Now, she knows a thing or two about penis size, having had more
sexual adventures than most women (about twenty male partners in long
or short relationships).

Her first boyfriend, when she was a teenager, was quite well
endowed, and she just assumed that all penises were about the same
size as his.

She went on to marry her second boyfriend, who turned out (on the
wedding night) to have a four-inch long erect penis, a fact that she
discovered when she reached down in the dark to play with his cock
only to discover she couldn't find it!

Naturally I wanted to
know whether sex with him was good. And she was a bit evasive -
she said his penis was thick, so the width made up for the
shortness.

That seemed a bit like asking a woman if size counts
and getting a weak smile and a kind of mumbled "mmm, well..."
followed by a swift change of subject.

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The next interesting part of her story was about the time she had
sex with a man whose penis was nine inches long.

The problem, she said, was that the condom only went halfway down
his penis. In my naivety, I said, "Wasn't it a bit big for you?"' She
hesitated for a moment. Then, a bit self-consciously, she said: "No, I
rather enjoyed it."

So,
if the evidence is to be believed, listening to what heterosexual
women are saying means we have to acknowledge penis size does actually
matter - to some of them at least.

When I asked lots more women about
penis size, I found a huge variety of answers to my questions: some
women didn't like big dicks at all, some thought average size ones
were fine, some liked huge ones, and some didn't care at all about
penis size.

But whatever the women said about penis
size, they all spoke in terms of pleasure.

And if you think about it, this is very
different to the way men talk about penis size: men talk about penis
size as though it represents status and power.

So
where does this take us? The question is, what do women want,
sexually?

And the answer, of course, is that it
depends on the woman.

Some prefer men who are tall and have
dark hair, while some women like blondes.

Some women prefer men with a great
physique. Some like dominant men.

Some want a passive partner. The whole
range of male physical and emotional features appeal in different
ways to different women - and penis size is just one of those
features.

Some women like long cocks, some like
small cocks, some like thick cocks, and some like small cocks.

It is all a question of what each individual woman finds
pleasurable and exciting. For more advice on this subject, check
out this website about
lovemaking and sexuality.

And above all else, this is probably more about the man
than his penis. But to make the point: when women say that penis
size is important, they are not condemning men with small cocks to
a life of masturbating alone!

What they are saying is that their
partner's penis size - large or small - is one of a number of
factors that influence how much sexual pleasure they enjoy in that
relationship. And it is true that to some women penis size is
totally unimportant.

But most men do not see penis size in
terms of the pleasure it will give a woman.

In fact it seems to me that men's
obsession with penis size is all about male vanity: firstly in the
belief that if one has a big penis one will be a better lover, or
somehow attract more women, or be more confident as a man.

And secondly a man might desire a huge
penis because he believes his lover will have a great time, say what a
wonderful lover he is, and thereby make him feel more masculine.

And thirdly so that women just take one
look and say, "Fuck me, look at the cock on him!"

I
think for men a big size penis is a bit like a sports car - something
you own that makes you feel more of a man. There is no doubt that the
majority of men think "bigger equals better."

No wonder then that so many men whose
prized possession resembles a bean or an acorn rather than a marrow or
a cucumber want to convince themselves that size doesn't matter, and
hate hearing women saying that, well, actually, in some ways it does
matter!

But the reason it matters to men is because
they think women are saying real men have big cocks. And this is not
what women are saying at all. I doubt you would find many women who
are measuring a man's masculinity by his penis size.

When a woman says
"a big penis feels nicer", the man hears her say "a big penis means you're more of a man or a better lover." In fact she's saying that a
big penis feels nicer!

A
man's biggest fear is not that a woman won't enjoy sex because his
penis is too small - it's that she will take one look, laugh her head
off and humiliate him. It's the fear of being exposed as a small
dicked-man that terrifies men.

And the problem is that while men
think like this, whether they are swinging it around like a
baseball bat, or complaining about how small it is, they are not
focusing on giving their partner what she wants.

When men accept that
penis size can influence a woman's pleasure and enjoyment of sex,
things will be much better for everyone.

Men can see the
situation honestly and know that deficiencies in the size department
can be compensated for in other ways - new techniques, being a better
lover, learning more about what turns their partner on. And this all
means they will come to understand more clearly what their woman
actually wants.

Remember the joke: a bastard is a man who fucks you
with a three inch cocks and then kisses you goodbye with a six inch
tongue. It may be a woman's joke, but what it says is clear: men, stop
being so penis-obsessed and realize you can do other things that send
women into raptures.

Email from a reader:

It is certainly odd that even now, in
the days when there is so much information about sex, sexuality, and
hundreds of websites detailing penis size in images and huge amounts
of text that men should be insecure about the size of their organ --
especially when they are actually normal!

The only reason why men are so insecure
about penis size is that they have a belief that "the bigger the
penis, the better the lover" ...

I think we're all subject to this false
belief, that at some level we all believe that a woman wants to be
"filled" completely.

As you rightly observe on your website
this is more about a man's desire to possess a woman's vagina (and
perhaps the woman herself), than it is about a woman's desire to be
filled by an enormous penis.

So exactly how do you deal with a man
who believes that his penis is too small -- whatever that means to him
-- even in the face of all the evidence to the contrary?

We all know that there is very little
that can actually be done to increase the size of the penis, so why
can't we just devote our efforts to accepting the size of our organs
rather than trying to think of ways we might improve them?

I don't have any answers to this
question but I spent years thinking that my penis was too small and
worrying about its effect on my relationship -- and the ironic thing
was that it was only the anxiety I felt about this issue that caused
my relationship to suffer!

If I had actually bothered to ask my
partner what she felt about it, and take the trouble to believe what
she was telling me, I'd soon have realized that actually the size of
my cock didn't matter to her one jot.

Penis Size Matters

So yes, we know that the average man's
penis is actually the most important part of his body and perhaps even
the most important thing that he will ever possess.

As soon as a boy becomes aware of his
penis he becomes fascinated by it -- and that fascination never leaves
him.

Of course he wants to look at other
men's penises: dad's penis, brother's penis, the penis on the men in
the changing room.

It's not surprising that when his penis
is so small, and he looks around at the full size of the men in the
changing room, he becomes a little insecure!

(Those who show it off most are usually
the biggest!)

Indeed, he develops some kind of innate
inferiority complex about the size of his organ - and it's probably
this that causes men to feel insecure later in life. In this scenario,
it's actually about a man's overall self-confidence in relationship to
other men.

In other words, it's about male
competition -- we all know men are essentially competitive with each
other.

Where men make a terrible mistake is in
projecting this insecurity onto the women that they are with. If a man
assumes that a woman isn't interested in him because his penis is too
small, he's making a terrible mistake in projecting his own feelings
about his penis onto the partner who could do more than anybody else
to reassure him that he is, actually, fine in every way.

It's actually no surprise that the
average woman has no understanding whatever of men's obsession with
penis size.

Unfortunately this may lead her to make
a joke of the subject if she doesn't know how else to deal with it.
So, please, please, women - whatever you do, never, ever make a joke
about penis size.

Even as a joke, you can cause a man such anxiety about measuring
up to the right standard that he may develop one of a number of sexual dysfunctions,
including erection problems and
premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, the male sexual psyche is
rather sensitive!

Male Sexuality

You probably and intuitively understand what I mean when
I say that male sexuality has been demonized in recent years.

For example, men are often condemned for using commercial sex
services such as porn, prostitution, lap dancing and so forth –
where the images of the men involved are presented as some kind of
uncontrollable beast with as little control over their urges as a
rutting stag.

This is really only one example of the populist notion of male
sexuality as something that's, well, almost pathological - and
certainly not something to be admired or celebrated.

Feminists condemn Men for their objectification of women –
which is very interesting, considering that women can never
understand what it's like for men to live with a male sex drive
and feel it every moment of their lives.

And of course I totally get
that men can't understand what it's like to be on the receiving
end of sexual objectification, as women are.

Even so there is a double standard at work in both directions.
Men are expected to abide by cultural standards of masculinity,
fitness, financial and physical worth, to prove that they are
valuable (enough) commodities for a woman to choose for a
relationship or marriage.

And of course while this is no different to the objectification
of women's bodies as a desirable commodity that will enhance a
man's self-esteem, and increase the respect he gets from other
men, the cultural narrative which we all face seems to generally
regard male sexuality as more worthy of criticism (if not
condemnation) than female sexuality.

It's interesting that men don't take a defensive position
around male sexuality in the way that feminists do around female
sexuality.

There's a very
thoughtful piece here, which makes the point that women and
girls actually self-validate by rejecting positive male attention.

And it's fair to say, I think, that in the theme of this
argument, that is only one example of any of how male sexuality is
undermined and perhaps even victimized.

For example, the de-escalation of male initiated social
contacts may be a way of women covering their power: specifically,
for example, two or more voice messages are required from a man
for a single callback from a woman. Or a text message is returned
in response to a voice message.

Now, you could argue that this reflects some kind of desire on
the part of the woman not be seen as "easy", or alternatively a
desire to be in the more proactive position of "playing hard to
get".

What complicates the separation of the cultural narrative from
the biological imperative is the fact that none of us can really
identify the extent to which our sexual behavior is determined by
our genes.

You might, for example, think it very reasonable that men have
to pursue women and "prove" their worth, and that women have to
play hard to get – after all, that's a pattern which is seen over
and over again in the animal kingdom. And we are animals.

And there is truth in that, I believe.

But when it comes to the use of our conscious intelligence -
our human intelligence - in social and sexual interactions, things
seem to go awry.

What I mean is that the male expression of male sexuality is
denigrated rather more than the female expression of female
sexuality.

Now I know there are plenty of women who have suffered at the
hands of men, and who would make the point, perhaps with some
justification, that men can't imagine what it's like to not feel
safe to walk the streets at night because of the threat of sexual
assault.

Clearly it's not a simple issue; but then, I'm not pretending
that it is.

What I want to do is to draw attention to the fact that there
are two sides to the debate, and the defense of male sexuality,
indeed the celebration of male sexuality, is something which seems
to get less attention than the demonization of female sexuality.

There's plenty of evidence to suggest that men behave in a
certain way because their brains are wired to behave in that way.

The objectification of women is one such example: while it's
generally assumed that men respond to sexually provocative images
of women with instant arousal, the reality, it seems, is that men
only respond sexually (as measured by brain response) to images of
women where the women are in fact actually looking at the man
concerned.

Sexual Pleasure & Desire

Some interesting research has been conducted by Sarah Murray
and Dr Robin Millhausen into the correlation between relationship
duration and sexual desire in young men and women.

What they discovered was that in women aged between 18 and 25,
there's a decrease in sexual desire on the part of the young women
with every month that goes by in their relationship.

Sometimes the decrease is significant, sometimes it's slight,
but it does exist and it's a reality. On the other hand, for men,
sexual desire isn't related to relationship length, but to sexual
satisfaction.

This is a fascinating finding, but it doesn't necessarily mean
that the same is true later in life – don't forget, that the
population in this research project was aged between 18 and 25.

Even so, you can clearly conclude that sexual desire really
does ebb and flow throughout life.

It's possible that men, who in this study appeared to have a
higher level sexual desire, were simply adapting their responses
to fit within expected social norms and ideas of masculinity. (For
example the concept that men are always ready and willing to have
sex.)

An interesting question here is whether or not sexual pleasure
plays into this in any way whatsoever.

We know that current models of sexual interaction between men
and women are very much geared around the concept of male
satisfaction and pleasure.

What's more interesting, perhaps, is whether or not the desire
of thought of
giving a woman sexual pleasure plays any part whatsoever in
most men's sexual behavior.

There is certainly a lot of evidence to suggest that there are
many predictors of sexual desire other than hormonal influences, a
fact borne out by the study reported
here.

We are obsessed, it would seem with the notion of sexual desire,
at the expense of the concept of sexual pleasure.

You only have to look at the furore around the production of a
pill for women which is supposed to be a "quick fix" for a made-up
sexual problem called "hypoactive sexual desire disorder".

Yet those of us who work in the field of sexual education would
probably agree that one of the reasons why women appear to have a
low sex drive is not because of their testosterone deficiency, but
simply because men are poor lovers who don't know how to satisfy a
woman and give her pleasure in bed.

Let's face it, giving a woman sexual pleasure is very important
for any relationship, and the rewards of doing so include greater
intimacy and connection, and a more harmonious and rewarding
relationship.

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