The Bleaklisted Movies: Cleopatra

Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Cleopatra

What happens?

Thanks to Rome and Julius Caesar, Cleopatra becomes the ruler of Egypt but some fisticuffs back in Rome plunger her future into doubt and there’s a snake among the bedsheets, a real one I mean, that’s not a euphemism.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Cleopatra wasn’t tough enough for me. When it all kicked off, I would have got myself a machine gun and gone all Scarface on their asses. To each his bone as they say.

What should have happened?

Cesar, a popular brand of dog food, comes to Egypt in pursuit of his rival, Pedigree Chum. Once Chum is dead Cesar hooks up with Cleocatra, a silky smooth pussy with aspirations of world domination, well Egypt anyway. With the rest she’s content to see how it goes once she’s checked the stock exchange. Cesar and Cleocatra form an alliance but it goes wrong when Cesar is murdered by conspirators led by Mucus. Cesar’s heir is October Calendar whose rise to power leads to an Uncivil War in Rome. Mucus teams up with Shark Anchovy and they also get Cleocatra on side by promising her that they know of a mine where there are copious amounts of tinned tuna waiting to be unearthed. After October Calendar wins a decisive victory in a game of scissors, paper, stone, poor Mucus kills himself by refusing to blow his nose for three months. Shark Anchovy heads to Egypt to link up with Cleocatra but dies in the shallows where he is picked off by his childhood rival, Nigel the Chirpy Dolphin. With October Calendar ready to take over Egypt, Cleocatra looks over to the director and says, “What’s the budget for this crappy production?” The director sees the costs, suffers a heart attack and production stalls with October Calendar on the brink of bringing his sword down on the head of Cleocatra. The scene fades as the protagonists are frozen in this very exciting moment and the audience is left to speculate what happens. Genius.

Working title?

Cleocatra.

Tagline?

The motion picture the world hasn’t been waiting for.

Who should direct?

John Ford.

Who should star?

Halle Berry, Martin Short, David Hyde Pierce and Steve Guttenberg.

Mr B compares the stories

The 1963 movie, Cleopatra, is an extravagant one both visually and with that very steep budget that left 20th Century Fox on its knees. Charlie’s alternative is to try and run parallel with the movie’s plot and indeed Roman history, only to veer off course within the opening sentence. John Ford was a fine director but even he would have been intimidated, make that traumatised, by the scope and sheer lunacy of Charlie’s vision. Halle Berry could be Cleopatra if she was in acting mode rather than Catwoman mode I assume, which is ironic given that this proposed movie project is to be called Cleocatra. The inclusion of Martin Short, David Hyde Pierce and Steve Guttenberg, presumably for the parts of Cesar, Shark Anchovy and October Calendar is enough to make me think I must be high even though I haven’t been smoking anything!

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.