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Attraction Killers

There are many different subjects taught in schools but the area of dating and relationships is not one of them. Most of us guys were never actually "taught" about how to interact with a woman that we're attracted to. We learned nothing about how to make a relationship work once we found a girl or woman we really liked. Either way, it's a new era and the lessons in this Modern Dating Basics are designed to help you build a solid foundation for success when it comes to better understanding women, dating and relationships in today's modern-day society.

Attraction Killers

Lesson Topics

Attraction Killers >Red Light, Green Light

When you first meet someone and begin to get to know them, for whatever reason, we sometimes immediately focus on the things that turn us off. You hear it all the time: “Oh, that’s a “red flag”, “Man, didn’t you see the signs?” Doesn’t it seem more appealing to look for the things we like as opposed to the things we dislike? It’s so easy to find negative attributes in a person. Why is that? I’ll tell you. Because that little voice inside you head. The one that belongs to the unseen person who’s job it is to protect you is looking for ways to keep you out of trouble. Looking for signs of anything that resembles a negative relationship that you had a while back and if this new person shows any signs of what that old person has…Red Light!

Now, of course it’s not fair to this new person but, unfortunately or fortunately, that’s how that inner unseen person works. They keep you safe or at least, that’s what they are programmed to do. Physical attractive is easy. They know what you like so you’ll get a Green Light to at least go over and start a conversation with this new woman. Then, as soon as the conversation begins, they start looking for those Red Lights; Does she talk too much? Why does she do that thing with her hand? Her voice is a bit squeaky, right? Any signs of anything that triggers a negative reminder, you’re ready to cut and run…fast. It can cause you to never give a new person a chance. So how do you control it? How do you get that inner voice to not be so damn loud that you wind up alone for a long time because you’re just too “picky”?

No one wants to feel unwanted. Agreed? Of course. Especially from the one person who has their emotional attention. However, since we have an internal protection mechanism that tries to keep us away from disappointment, we innately look for the not so good things in a person that reminds us some pain that we experienced from some previous relationship in an attempt to ensure we don't go through that pain again. It’s normal. But it doesn't help us see this new person as a clean slate. We immediately start looking for "flags" thus sabotaging something that hasn’t even been given a fair chance.

The trouble is that you bringing all of your "baggage" from the past with you and laying on this new person which is totally unfair to them. Not only that, you’re not giving yourself enough real time to get to know this person to see if those things that you see as Red Lights are actually "things" or or just similarities that most of us share. You just happen not to like this attribute that she has because it is a reminder of all of the cumulative things from a bad relationship. However, as they stand alone, they may be quirks that will lend itself to being likable things when seen in a positive light if you gave this new woman a chance to show you the rest of what she has to offer. Cutting and running to quick could lead to you passing up a good thing. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater, as it were.

We all have our pet peeves about people. We don’t like people who talk too much. We don’t like people who say "Awesome!" about EVERYTHING! We don’t like the way some people drive….etc. That’s totally understandable because even though we are all similar overall, we all have idiosyncrasies that make us different. And that’s great.

The thing is, though, your pet peeves are not the things that you want to immediately point out to the person that you see as a potential mate. The beginning stages of dating is about seeing what it is that the two of you have in common. And if there are enough of those commonalities, then you will more than likely want to see more of each other. That will lead to a solid foundation on which to build the rest of your relationship. After you have accomplished that, THEN it’s time to bring up the not-so-pleasant topic of the "things that bug you." Not right out of the gate!

Fear of repeating some of your past mistakes is what causes a person to look for "red flags" when they meet someone. They immediately begin pointing out the things that remind them of bad past experiences. There are a few things wrong with that process. Here are two: 1) It has nothing to do with this current person that you are getting to know and is therefore 100% unfair to them..and 2) You could very well be sabotaging a relationship with the very person that you have been searching for.

No one wants to be compared to an ex. And no one wants to be CRITICIZED by you every time you go out together. And you shouldn’t want to criticize them when what you should be doing is getting to know all of the things about them that are attractive to you.

Start to practice focusing on the attractive, positive attributes of women that you meet. The things you like about her. See if they outweigh the things that you’re not too crazy about. Make a "good/bad" list if you like and see where they stand. We all hope to meet that perfect person. However, that doesn’t mean that you should be trying to immediately change them into what your idea of a perfect person for you is. Who are you to change anyone ANYWAY? If you find yourself having a good time when you’re together, focus on that on hold off on the criticism.

When you begin to practice looking for the positive in people, you will start to realize that most of the things that you though were really bad in a person are just baggage most of us carry and don’t realize it. Those things are usually easy to work through and not worth throwing away a potential good relationship for. As they say, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

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