We Might Know Who The Villains Of ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Are

We don’t know much about Star Wars: Episode VII. A hint here, a rumor there, TMZ photos everywhere. But no movie set can stay leak-free forever, and who the villains are might finally have escaped. Needless to say, there will be spoilers for the whole trilogy.

According to Making Star Wars, the villains are… Sith groupies! Specifically, they’re a former branch of the Empire tasked with hunting down Jedi. They’re not Sith, but they have lightsabers, black-and-chrome Stormtroopers, and a serious religious devotion to the red lightsaber crew. Apparently Luke has been keeping these guys from killing potential Jedi for the last thirty years.

Which actually sounds a lot like the main bad guy from Star Wars: Rebels, actually, but then again, we don’t know a lot about that show, either. Regardless, while the usual rule about seasoning any rumor with a grain or two of salt should be followed, this does sound like a reasonable way to deal with the fact that Luke restored balance to the Force and also why no other Jedi emerged over the years to challenge the Empire. Besides, it’s not like bumping off younglings isn’t an accepted part of the Star Wars canon.

The claims that, in Episode VIII, these Jedi Hunters revive the Sith and make them the main bad guys of Episode IX are a bit iffier. Those movies probably aren’t even written yet, and a lot can change. But at least for Episode VII, it seems we’ve got our bad guys. They will, however, likely lack the Emperor’s sick dance moves:

whoa whoa that sounds a little too scary for a pg-13. Maybe the villain can be a lingering sense of foreboding that the audience gleans from the musical score used during tense New Republic senate meetings.

Or some B-List galactic celebrity reading prepared remarks to a sub-committee on the rights of migrant Ewok workers, and in the final scene the camera pans back to reveal the true villain: a mostly empty senate chamber.

What are you talking about? Luke maturing through introspection on Dagobah while Han and Leia grew as characters with genuine relatable motivations was no where near as good as a bunch of random aliens fighting a bunch of faceless clones and other random aliens in one huge video game melee where Samuel L. Jackson had to beg for a purple lightsaber so he could find himself on screen, despite being the only negro in the film.

I will gladly trade genuine personal character interaction for meaningless fights in the rain and in the dust and on volcano planets with breathable air because this was obviously a clean burning volcano planet that didn’t spew ash everywhere like volcanos tend to do(Your move Dr. DeGrasse Tyson).

Ehh. Empire basically had two plots, one focused on Luke and the force and the other focused on Han, Leia, etc running from the Empire. That turned out well. Jedi’s strengths were actually because of the Jedi stuff – the main plot was…well…Ewoks.

… and I’m out. If this is even remotely the plot I’m waiting for it to come on Netflix.

There are two Sith at a time, and they both died: one guy got his personal iron lung fried as he gorilla press slammed the other guy down a shaft. The End. One of the very best things about the Star Wars story is how neatly the story was tied up. You can’t treat the Sith like Herpes and the Jedi like Valtrex.

And if we’re really lucky, they’ll film all the scenes of said bad guy in a low-light environment, where we have to guess at details of the design through highlights and reflections on his inexplicably glossy skin.

I thought they cloned the emperor or something and this time he’s back and is made of liquid metal and stabs chewbacca’s dad in the face with his knife arm while pretending to be chewbacca’s mom. Also Luke Skywalker dies while giving a thumbs up.