Yes this is a silly
holiday-ish story with the Voyager characters. I own nothing except
my brain and then some…………

The Voyager was flying
at warp speed, passing by al sorts of stars, trying to get past the
Delta Quadrant paparazzi before they could see what the Voyager crew
were really doing on the ship.

Tom Paris was at the
helm station, his feet propped up on the station, sitting back, and
reading a newspaper. "Wait a minute, I can read?!"

Paris, shocked as he
was, threw the newspaper away, as he remembered that he can't read.
Daddy and Mommy were awful parents. Never taught ol' Tommy about
the birds and the bees either, but Tommy boy sure found out quick,
didn't you Tommy? "Yes, I sure did!" Tom said, smiling like a
moron and nodding his head like a buffoon.

Captain Katherine
Janeway was in her command chair as her first officer, Commander
Chakotay, or "Janeway's lap dog" as the crew liked to refer to
him, was in his chair staring at her while drooling like an animal in
heat.

"Can we go in your
ready room now?" Chakotay asked.

Janeway was getting
freaked out from Chakotay staring at her. She poked him in the eyes
to fix the problem. "No," Janeway bluntly said.

Chakotay started to rub
his eyes. "Fuck!"

As the banter between
Janeway and Chakotay came to a hault, Neelix, the annoying Talaxian
who somehow shagged the one dimensional personality, girl from next
door, but hot Kes, a young Ocampan, walked on the bridge as his usual
over cheering, chipper self.

Neelix walked over to
Tuvok, the chief of security for the ship. "Guess what today is Mr.
Vulcan?"

"Why aren't you
dead yet?" Tuvok smugly said.

Neelix playfully
punched Tuvok. "No silly billy. You know you wouldn't be the same
without me."

"Ten bucks says I
would be," Tuvok said.

"Today is Christmas,"
Neelix continued, looking at everybody.

Ensign Harry Kim, the
ship's chief operations officer, started to jump up and down for
joy, like the man child he is. "I wonder what Santa brought me
today."

"Sure wasn't that
promotion you asked for," Janeway started to laugh.

The entire bridge
started to laugh with Janeway, but Harry started to cry like a little
school girl.

"How come you
repromoted Tom to lieutenant junior grade and yet I'm still an
ensign?" Harry asked, still crying like a pansy.

"Oh god Harry, if
you're going to cry like a kid, I might as well stick out my tits
for you to suck on," Janeway replied.

"Can I suck on them
Captain?" Chakotay started to get all excited.

Janeway slapped her
first officer. "No."

"If I want to suck on
someone's tits, its going to be mine," Harry responded pointing
to his chest.

Everyone looked baffled
and confused. They looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

"Torres to the
bridge," B'Elanna Torres, the chief enginner said through the
comm channel.

"Go ahead,"
Chakotay said.

"Nothing, just wanted
to get myself in the story somehow. Torres out," the chief engineer
said.

"That was nice of her
to call up and say hi," Chakotay said.

"Oh and I'm naked
down here in the engine room and I love it," Torres interrupted.
"Torres now out," B'Elanna said again through the channel.

"Anyway, I think we
need to pass out presents to everyone," Neelix suggested, getting
back to the reason why he showed his ugly furball face on the bridge.

"That would put a
potential drain on the ship's power," Tuvok pointed out.

"Damn it, why in the
hell are you on the bridge anyway?" Janeway asked, her eyes looking
sharply at the Talaxian wearing gay looking clothes not even a
homeless person would want to wear, even if they got them for free.
"Didn't I ban you from coming up here?"

Suddenly the lights on
the bridge got dark. Somehow the Los Angeles Lakers cheerleaders
appeared on the bridge. They started to do some dancing to some
techno music that went through the speakers on the bridge.

They disappeared after
the music ended. The lights on the bridge went back to normal
illumination.

"This just in,"
Torres interrupted again through the communication channel. "CNN
has just learned that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are mutated
turtles who are teenagers trained in the art of the ninja," Torres
explained. "More on this story as it develops."

"I know I can't
wait for more," Tom said. "Their my heroes."

"You don't like my
Christmas idea?" Neelix asked, again trying to get back on subject.

"We're still trying
to figure how you ended up with Kes," Paris commented.

Suddenly Bob Saget,
from Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos, appeared on the
bridge.

"Hi everyone, I'm
television personality Bob Saget, Bob said in a friendly voice,
waiving at everyone.