Saturday, April 23, 2005

Toilet Paper Felons

On Friday, we had to call a serious assembly meeting at school. Apparently, some of the students have been tearing toilet paper incorrectly. Toilet paper usage is a delicate matter, you see. If hasty hands grab only one out of two plies,… well, the roll is shot. (Just imagine the inhumane trials of the next user who has to work out which ply goes with which when needing only a quick clean-up!) Or, imagine the resulting nation-wide confusion when someone tears three layers of the toilet paper off in one go! It's absolutely and hideously unthinkable.

The ridiculous thing is that I'm not joking! My junior high school really and honestly held a whole-school assembly in the gymnasium to address the toilet paper issue!Evidence presented: two rolls of abominably mis-torn toilet paper and one bag of excess toilet paper scraps collected at the scene of the crime.Opening statements: “Bad! Bad! Bad! Don't do this!”Closing statements: “Bad! Bad! Bad! Please try harder tomorrow! (And, wear your helmets while riding your bike home because there are convicted, poor-toilet-paper-users out there!)” God, how I love my school of employment! And how I love that no creativity is required to find humour in its operation!Check this out for toilet paper algorithms and further thoughts and experiences on the subject of toilet paper.

2 comments:

Try this for a toilet paper crime(!!!): Assuming your target toilet has that plumbing that most schools do that really sucks everything down the tube with a high degree of force; take the leading edge of the largest roll of toilet paper and put a foot of it or so into the water in the bowl. Simply flush and watch as the suction pulls gobs of unused toilet tissue directly from the roll dispenser mounted to the wall down the pipes!! Make sure the dispenser is the free wheeling type or else you might run into a snag. I learned this trick in elementary school from a guy named David Reagan. His other favorite past time was huffing gas out of his grandma's gas tank. She was the best cook any school cafeteria had ever known! I'm sure he and his brother Robbie are now notorious crack heads someplace. CHEERS!!