Good Morning! It’s Paris Hilton’s ass cheek.

Because my pain is your pain, here’s Paris Hilton and her death knees hosting “Rehab – The Ultimate Daytime Pool Party” at the Hard Rock in Vegas yesterday and apparently they didn’t pay her enough to put her implants in. On that note, who knows how to inject penicillin into your soul? Because tying the King James to a hammer isn’t cutting it. Do you think a priest would bless me or would I have to look like Macaulay Culkin circa 1992? That seems like it’d be a lot of shaving.

Are you sure that all she has is herpes and not some sort of super-STD that is causing her to waste away into a bony, jaundiced Gumby-doll? Seriously, how is she still walking around? More importantly, I want to know why we don’t have a vaccine yet.