5/01/2017

My Samurai (1992)

Peter McCrea (Kallo) is a terminally depressed youngster
whose dad, James (O’Quinn) forces him to take Tae Kwon Do. However, his
instructor Young Park (Lee) believes in him. Mr. Tszing (Mako) is a gangland
boss who commands an army of funny-looking thugs. After getting involved in
some police corruption, Tszing’s gang shoots some people. The only problem is
that the dour Peter child witnesses this. Now on the run from the baddies,
Peter, Park, and James’s secretary, Deborah (Hart) have to run from place to
place, avoiding death at every turn. Along the way, not only does Park get into
a bunch of Martial Arts battles, he also attempts to teach Peter about life,
Tae Kwon Do, believing in yourself, and all that jazz. During all this, they
run into a man named Reverend George (Smith). This wouldn’t be relevant but for
the fact that it happens to be Bubba Smith. Will Peter get out of the doldrums?
Will Park connect his punches and kicks? Will our heroes escape the baddies?
Perhaps we shall see...

A low-budget independent production starring a lot of
strange-looking non-actors. Broken-English dialogue on top of a muffled,
unhearable sound recording. Amateurish writing, directing, acting, and other
technical qualities. Flat line readings. Squealing guitar on the soundtrack.
Warehouse fights. Middle-Aged Punks. We’re home. Clearly a movie in our
wheelhouse, as any regular reader of our site knows, My Samurai would fit
nicely on the shelf next to other product released on Imperial Video. It’s
close in spirit to the output of Ron Marchini, which Imperial trafficked in. It
would also fit nicely on the shelf next to items like Hawkeye (1988) or
Kindergarten “Ninja” (1994), though those movies are a lot more fun and
entertaining than this one is.

The whole movie screams “dumb/awesome regional production
made to sit on video store shelves in 1992”. Though it is quite stupid,
childish, and repetitive, My Samurai will, if nothing else, remind you of those
precious video store memories. It seems unlikely that very many people took
this off their local video store shelves and actually paid money to rent it,
but it’s easy to picture it being there amongst all the other choices. We don’t
know how much penetration into stores across our great country My Samurai
actually had, but maybe - just maybe - if all the Schwarzenegger, Stallone,
Seagal, Van Damme, Jeff Speakman, Richard Norton, and Jay Roberts, Jr. movies
are all rented out on a Friday or Saturday night, and My Samurai sits lonely on
the shelf, a 12-year-old boy somewhere picked it up and took it home.

Which leads to the fact that, supposedly, this movie is
rated R, but it feels more like PG. When you get to the scene with the “Birds
of Paradise” gang - the aforementioned Middle-Aged Punks all wearing different
colored Spirit Halloween wigs - you’ll know what we mean. These guys are so
non-intimidating, they make the cast of Cocoon (1985) seem like the Latin
Kings. Is THIS what Young Park is protecting Peter from? seeing as Peter seems
suicidal throughout the movie, you’d think he’d welcome death (?) at the hands
of the Birds of Paradise.

Now, it seems rather obvious that this is meant to be a DTV
version of The Karate Kid (1984) and/or My Bodyguard (1980).
However, Young Park is a Tae Kwon Do instructor - not a Samurai. Did the
writers think all Asians are the same? Not only is the title of the movie
inaccurate, it’s also totally racist. I think I need to run to my safe space.
In the cast department, you get plenty of Mako, which is always a good thing,
and a bare minimum amount of Terry O’Quinn, but you have to wait over an hour
for Bubba Smith, and what Bubba you get is minimal Bubba. We’ve seen better
Bubba. Much better Bubba. It made us long for the magic of The Wild Pair
(1987).

So, My Samurai might not be for everybody - or anybody,
come to think of it - but those with childhood memories of video stores might
appreciate the nostalgia factor. It’s not what you’d call good, in most senses
of what we all understand that word to mean, but if you’re a certain kind of
movie watcher, that might not matter to you. It’s certainly never stopped any
of us before, has it? In the end, what My Samurai lacks in quality is made up
for by the archaeological value. Whether that’s a bargain you’re willing to
make is up to you.