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Friday, April 18, 2008

I was walking around the boardwalk last weekend, and I noticed some interesting trends...trends of total god-awfulness!

It seems that society is suffering from a pandemic of people wearing completely eye-wrenching terrible items on their feet! Now I'm no fashion expert, but I consider myself at least somewhat stylish. I know what's decent, and what's an insult to the eyes of decent society. Women always look at a guys shoes as a preliminary gauge of style and personality. Shallow? Maybe, but the truth is, most of the time, footwear IS quite telling.

Now be forewarned, I'm about to break some of you down. But, instead of being angry, be happy that you now know what items of your footwear to burn and NEVER consider wearing ever again!1. Rubber Velcro Sandals: These things are terrible. It looks like your feet are strapped in for a freaking roller coaster ride. I don't care "how comfortable they are", they just look awkward. I thought we outgrew Velcro when we were five?!? It's not even as if they're easy to put on and take off. There's adjusting and strapping...you might as well just be wearing shoes!

Get yourself some good ol' flip flops! They're easy, comfortable, and stylish...just make sure your feet are decent! There's way too many people running around town showing off their funky (and I mean FUNKY) feet. Yuck! I know some of you like going for the "rugged and disheveled" look, but for god-sakes, that doesn't mean you need to have cave-man feet!

2. Skater shoes and tall socks with shorts. Something about puffy skater shoes and tall socks just looks weird and clunky. I'm a little bias because I'm not a fan of skater shoes, but seriously, if you're going to wear them, lose the crew/tube socks. Actually, tube socks are bad altogether. Do we really need to wear socks that stretch up to protect our knees?3. Clogs and Crocs. No one looks good wearing these things. They don't even look particularly comfortable. If your playing some kind of water sports, then I suppose crocs could be functional, but otherwise, they look terrible! And lets leave the clogs in the 80's where they belong with LA Gear.

4. Uggs with anything other than pants. Uggs with shorts or skirts? Seriously ridiculous. Sure they're warm and comfy, but you don't see me running around with a T-shirt and mittens!

On another fairly unrelated note, have you ever noticed the two schools of tucking that exist for men with copious amounts of belly? I never really thought about it until I saw a man from each school of tuck, standing next to each other the other day.

The first school we'll call the "school of restraint and containment." This is where the pants are pulled up to the belly button region and a lengthy belt has made the long journey around, then locked tightly thus containing the belly from excessive outward protrusion. I personally think this is the ideal option.

Then there's the "Free Roaming" school of thought where the belly owner refuses to buy larger pants. He tucks his shirt in with the pants secured at the hip, below the cavernous belly droop, thus allowing the belly to explode forward in downright threatening fashion!

If you are a foot fashion offender, please, for your sake and the sake of all that is decent to look at, clean up your act! Let's make this world a better place two feet at a time! :)