04/29/2017

100 Days Scorecard. Mine, Not His.

When I wrote “Talk to the Hair: A Look Back at The First 100 Days of the Trump Presidency” the idea of Donald Trump as president — he wasn’t even the nominee yet — seemed as outlandish as it was unlikely. Well, we know how that turned out. Now that those 100 days have passed, I wondered how accurately my predictions had been. Below is a list of what I got right or came close enough to deserve some credit. My final score is at the bottom.

Cause Widespread AgitaSo far, nobody’s dubbed the psychic trauma of living in Trump world “The DTs” as I did on Day 5 but, there has been plenty of coverage about the rise in anxiety med prescriptions and visits to mental health professionals. Maybe if I'd gone with the catchier, “Trump Induced Tsuris” (TIT) it might've caught on.

Replace Air Force One with Trump AirI had this taking place on Day 9 but, even before his inauguration, Trump complained about the cost of replacing Air Force One, threatening to cancel the order with Boeing. While he never said so personally, he must have had this idea on deck as a Plan B.

Translator IssuesGranted, I envisioned translators kvelling on Days 13 and 91 over interpreting U.S. Ambassador to Russia (later Cuba) Sarah Palin's attempts at spoken English but I’ll still take this as a win.

Trouble Funding The Border WallI was overly optimistic about Trump’s Border Wall getting built, having work start on Day 16. In my can do-dystopian version, funding only ran into trouble on Day 28 when construction was already well underway. I still think my solution of corporate sponsorship could be a winner.

Private Security DetailHis majesty's secret service wasn't enough. Sad. Trump enhanced his security detail with private sector goons. I had him replacing the secret service after finding out they'd code-named him "Hairball One" on Day 29. His code name is "Mogul", I'm told. I bet that's not what the secret service calls him when he's not around.

Cost of InaugurationEven worse than my imagined overspending on Trump’s inauguration (Day 38) is the reported over-donating for it that has resulted in a multimillion-dollar slush fund.

Insulting Angela MerkelIn my version of Day 77, Trump got himself declared "persona non-grata" in Germany over insulting remarks about Chancellor Angela Merkel. I never imagined he'd be such a jerk to her in person. How wrong I was. He hasn’t been barred from visiting Germany (yet) but I’m still giving myself the point for this one.

Pissing Off World LeadersTrump seems to have learned everything he knows about Mexico from “Breaking Bad”. That would go a long way in explaining his threats to Mexican President Nieto of invading his country to get the "bad hombres" terrorizing the border. Meanwhile, and, credit where credit is due, short of mistaking them for New Zealanders, it takes a lot to piss off an Australian with fewer than eight cans of Foster’s in him, but Trump managed it in half the time allotted for his first phone call with Aussie PM Malcolm Trumbull. (Disclaimer: I don’t know how many cans of Foster’s Lager Trumbull had consumed beforehand.)

Governing by Executive OrderI had the president's penchant for governing via Executive Order an item on Day 80. I didn’t specify the number of them, but he signed 29 in 99 Days. Hardly a record but, more than anybody since Truman racked up 57.

Hiring Unqualified Cabinet MembersNot all of Trump’s cabinet picks are completely unqualified and too inexperienced to lead the agencies they’ve been put in charge of; some are openly hostile to their agencies’ missions and want to do away with them altogether. Or, in the case of the Department of Energy's Rick Perry, both. Granted, Trump never nominated Howie Mandel for Secretary of Agriculture, as I suggested, but we don't know who was on that short list, now do we.

Making a Buck Off Being PresidentWe all knew he’d manage to do this. The only real question was how. The answer, it turns out, is, in every way possible. I offered numerous instances and various methods of self-dealing throughout the first 100.

General Tone“Speak Loudly and Stick it to Everybody” was my proposed campaign slogan for candidate Trump, though it could be the mantra of his administration’s core philosophy. My version of his inaugural speech had him promising to return the country to the glory days of the ’80s, the 1880s when Robber Barons ruled the land unchecked by pesky government regulations and laws and such.

So, the final tally: 13 for 87. Maybe not a great stat but, would you have really wanted me to be any righter?