Date Night

Put in the effort to make an evening with your spouse romantic and special.

Everyone knows that married couples need a date night, one night out of the house away from the kids, the bills, the peeling paint, the faulty plumbing, the leaky roof… Oops – I guess this isn’t supposed to be about me.

Married couples need a night that’s just for them, a chance for the two of them to be alone without distractions. We may not always be successful at making this happen but most of us recognize the need and importance.

The problem is that we frequently focus on the “night” aspect (When? Where? Who can we possibly get to babysit?) instead of the “date” part. I heard this idea from Dr. Faygie Zakheim at a recent presentation in Los Angeles and it was one of those light bulb moments.

What did she mean? When people go out on a date with someone they don’t know well, they begin by getting all dressed up – a nice outfit (maybe even a new one), carefully applied makeup, freshly coiffed hair. Everyone wants to look their best, to make a good impression.

And that’s just the first step. Everyone is on their best behavior as well – their most polite and gracious, their most charming and witty, their most bubbly and vivacious. Everyone works hard to keep the conversation animated and interesting.

Contrast this with many a married couple’s date night experience. We’re lucky if we escape the house without a stain on our clothing. We focus on the menu and then the food with barely any conversation. We take our partner for granted and don’t feel required to go the extra mile. We’ve got it all backwards.

Yes, we’re all busy and tired. But this spouse is our priority and deserves our best.

We need to question why put so much effort and energy into someone we’ve just met and so little into our life’s partners. What message does that send?

Yes, we’re all busy. We’re all overwhelmed. We’re all tired. But this marriage, this husband or this wife is our priority. They deserve the best of us.

And the funny thing is that we are shortchanging ourselves as well. Maybe it’s easier not to bother but we’ll actually have a better time if we do. Once we’ve gotten dressed up, we’ll feel differently about ourselves and be more inclined to give it our all. We’ll expect to have a good time and our mood will be contagious.

In the end, it requires so little extra effort – 10 more minutes to change our clothing and swipe on some mascara. A few minutes of thought to lift out of our inertia and lethargy to stimulate conversation. A small extra effort for tremendous results.

We end up enjoying ourselves much more than expected. We end up discovering new depths to our mates. We forge deeper bonds and new goals and commitments.

This isn’t a Revlon ad but it’s amazing how much power a little lipstick and a little attention to your spouse can have.

Oh yeah, and resist the temptation to talk about the kids – it’s supposed to be a fun evening!

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
Tammy,
March 6, 2012 6:46 PM

Datenight

It is always Saturdays for my husband and I and has been for years. We go out to eat and have a fancy coffee and maybe go to a movie. We go mall walking and do some window shopping and some actual shopping as well. Sometimes we go to a park and walk if it is nice out. We do this every Saturday unless one of us is sick. Sometimes we just go away for the weekend. I also walk over to where he works and we walk home together. This is good connecting time as well.

(4)
Abigail,
March 5, 2012 5:51 PM

date night at home

Sometimes we want to go out but can't find a babysitter so after we put the kids to bed, one of us goes out and picks up take out and we have a picnic on the floor of our living room. It works!

(3)
Anonymous,
March 5, 2012 2:18 PM

a new take on old date night

We have 5 kids - one is 6 months old - but we still make every effort to have weekly date night. Last week we tried something new (old?): we pretended it was our first date. We re-enacted a lot of the conversations that we had over 15 years ago. I showered my wife with complements as if I had just met her, and my wife laughed at my corny jokes as if she was hearing them for the first itme. Although it was one of our shorter date nights (~ 1 hour at the ice cream parlor), we came out feeling re-energized - and young again - and we didn't want it to end. People in the shop probably thought we really were on our first date. You really can see something with fresh eyes! We will hopefully do this again sometime in the future.

(2)
smb,
March 5, 2012 6:55 AM

couples deffinately should have some alone time together. They can even do this at home. Quality time is very important.

(1)
SusanE,
March 4, 2012 6:26 PM

Great Advice

I agree 100%. Also, do things you liked to do together while you were dating that were fun. Going out with several other couples is wonderful for reconnecting with your spouse. There is so much more to talk about during the evening and then there will be interesting news to exchange when you get home. Morning brunches and a daytime out with friends or just your spouse are fun too. Thanks, Emuna

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