Yesterday, I talked about using voodoo dolls as a feasible method of
travel. You know, making a voodoo doll of someone to-scale with a world
map or something. It sounded like a great idea in-the-moment, but since
giving it a little bit more thought, it sounds like a logistical
nightmare.

For one, you always need someone to move your voodoo doll across the map
for you. What if no-one’s around? What if they hate your guts, and plunge
you into the ocean or something? Then, they have to lift your voodoo doll
at the perfect distance from the map’s “ground”– I mean, if they lift
you just a mm, you could slam directly into (through?) buildings. Honestly,
that’s a tad bit hazardous. Conversely, if they lift you a couple cm up, you
might plunge outside of the atmosphere, or suffocate inside of it. And even
if they happen to find the sweet spot that doesn’t involve you dying in
some hideous way, they’d have to move you at the perfect speed. If they move
you with the speed of an delusioned maniac writing their kill list, you might
soar so fast through the sky that your brain slams into the back of your skull
too hard, leading to an effective lobotomy (or death). They’d have to hold you
steady, at the right height, and move you relatively slowly. Inching slowly
across the map…

That all might be dandy, but what if the voodoo-wielder is in a rush, or has
chugged a bit too much coffee that morning? They could accidentally lobotomize
you, and that’d be rather sad.

Basically, it’s all human error and miscalculation that could lead to your
gruesome death. Maybe if we took the “human” out of it (so you get just a
regular “error”) that’d be better? Wire up a small robotic arm to move you
across the map with mechanical precision, safely and consistently. And god,
that just sounds like a lot of work I don’t want to do.

Any volunteers for this voodoo-transport project? (Oh, make sure to put it on
GitHub, GPL, or I’ll make voodoo dolls of your loved ones and tickle their
armpits during important situations, like a job interview or something. How
embarrassing that would be!)

Oh yea, and today’s Black Friday. What a load of liberal consumerist garbage.
(Luxury Gay Space Communism won’t have Black Friday, thank the stars. Perhaps
we should just make voodoo dolls of the bourgies and throw them all out to
sea?)