Navigating death in our age of distraction

When did we all start judging each other so instantly? I wish we could all slow down and listen to each other, without prejudice.

I like my privacy these days. But I still want to, no, need to, CONNECT with fellow humans. And I still want to BELIEVE in the best in others.

I’ve been searching for that elusive thing; BALANCE. Balancing my need for quiet, healing, solo space whilst forcing myself to do things so I can (hopefully!) enjoy real human connections with friends.

Usually that involves a good old chat. Catching up on each other’s lives. It can’t all be one-way. Inevitably we go out on a limb and share ‘new’ information. So when a friend asked me how things were going and if I was thinking about dating, I told them I had a ‘boyfriend’.

“Whoa that’s a bit fast, isn’t it?!”

I felt like absolute $hit and stared purposefully at my nail while I thought how to reply.

“ummm, well…” cue a string of dribble where I try to justify my yet-to-be-understood or reconciled, recent moments of joy, to this person whom I thought loved and cared for me.

(BTW UGH! what a shitty word boyfriend sounds like in my head after being a wife! It makes me cringe to say it out loud)

I continued to feel like $hit for a few days. Then I thought, hang on. Maybe I should expect more from my friend? Why do I need to feel ashamed, embarrassed, judged, for managing to drag my ass through two years of grief and have yet another profound realisation… that the heart has truly unbelievable ability and capacity… that it can co-process immense pain whilst trusting in love again, at the very same time.

So I stop sharing. Hide and withdraw again. I pluck up the energy to do more work through my guilt, shame, fear and tell myself I’ll try trusting them again later, another time.

Months pass then a relative of my husband surprises me with incredibly supportive and kind gestures and words when I share my new relationship status. My heart aches with gratitude. I want to tell Michael about it.

I get cocky. A colleague askes me over a Christmas drink after work, “do you live alone?”

Gulp. Not wanting to lie, I reply my truth.

“No, I live with my boyfriend.”

“Gosh that’s a bit quick, isn’t it?!”

Just crushing.

We can all choose to be kind-er. Please, be kind. No one knows each other’s truth.

8 thoughts on “Listen without prejudice”

Wow. Just … wow. This blog is surprising. Surprising in the revelation that some people actually think that way.

Personally, a big grin instantly lit up my face when I read your word “boyfriend” … although I agree with your ‘UGH’ thoughts. At (almost) 50 years of age, I’m a tad past the ‘boyfriend’ term. I call my very special person my partner, or special man … although I use ‘special man’ for my son as well, but I digress! 🙂

Kate, you are a young, beautiful (inside and out), sensitive, caring person and you deserve happiness, love and laughter. God knows, you need it after struggling through nearly 3 years since Michael’s death.

You most certainly should not feel ashamed, embarrassed, judged, guilty or fearful of what others may think of you or your decisions and actions.

You deserve to have someone special in your life. Michael would surely want you to be happy and not spend endless years pining for him. He will be in your heart and your memories (and so many other peoples’ hearts and memories) always and if you have found a special person who understands all that and who makes you happy, well … GOOD ON YOU, WOMAN! xox

Thanks darl x it certainly is weird how people think but then also how they choose to express themselves.
Michael is always with me and I love him very, very much. The heart knows no bounds. Who knew any of this was possible?!

Kate, the only right response to such great news for you is happiness and a sigh of relief. But mostly utter delight that you have found happiness again. Please, if it happens again, hold your head up high, and continue to be proud of the happiness you’ve found.

There will always be people who simply don’t understand, because they haven’t seen what you’ve been going through. They would not understand after 3, 4, 5, 6, no matter how many years.

People’s responses are always about them, never about you/us. I struggle to remember this… but it’s never about you/us. You are a brave, beautiful soul and you’ve been thru more than most ever will experience. I know for fact that Michael is still with you and wants you to be happy. You do not need to suffer for X number of months or years longer based on someone else’s agenda or belief system or view point!! Michael left this life early for his soul’s own reasons and I cannot believe that was ever intended to diminish the life you have left here.

Lastly, I feel it may be beneficial for you to voice yourself to these ‘friends’ for the sake of having a voice and communicating the hurt they have caused you with their judgements. And, there are always two sides to challenges like this. We can’t judge others by their behaviours or words just like we don’t want to be judged for ours so my unsolicited suggestion is… once you’re feeling stronger about all this maybe consider asking them to explain where this comment came from – They may have had words come out they regret or they may have some explanation or apology that will save your friendship. Maybe???