There are things in life that you never expect to change. The sun will be warm, water will be wet, and Halloween 5 will always be the worst in the series (Halloween 3 doesn't count, and it never will because I say so!).

My friends, things just got ugly.

Halloween: Resurrection has surpassed my lowest expectations and has now claimed the lowest rung on the Halloween franchise ladder.

To call this film simply bad would be akin to calling Hitler anti-social. This film is a fetid, worm infested apple in your trick or treat sack, oozing with bilious excretions that slather themselves all over the rest of your candy, causing you to fall to your knees and scream to the heavens.

"GOD!!! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!??!!

Michael Myers has returned to Haddonfield after a quick detour to visit his sister in a nuthouse where she has been locked up for killing a man that she thought was her brother three years ago. Jamie Lee Curtis appears in a fright wig and does the whole "Scream Drew Barrymore" thing, apparently sick of the franchise and more than happy to sell phones for the remainder of her lackluster career. Josh Hartnett is there as well, stuck to the wall in a crumpled photo, and apparently smart enough not to reprise his role in this film (although he was in Pearl Harbor, so the kid ain't that smart).

Now that all of the reasons that Myers kills in the first place are out of the way, he returns home to his abandoned house (which, after being vacant for 20 years in any town in America, would have been knocked down and turned into a Subway) only to discover that an internet entertainment company has set up shop inside to broadcast a live "investigation" into the Myers legacy, using college students armed with headsets and video cameras ala' MTV's Fear. We get the usual assortment of stereotypes, including the goth/rock dude, the quasi-slut wanna-be superstar, the nerdy hormonally imbalanced guy, the smart hot chick, and Bianca Kajlich as the girl you know won't die.

Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are also on hand as the folks behind Dangertainment, the internet company that is putting on the whole big she-bang, which basically involves lots of blurry camera scenes, some fuzzy camera scenes, and several scenes of nothing but static. This is why the internet is dead.

Basically, Myers walks around and kills pretty much everyone in sight with a sort of "greatest hits" version of past kills. A guy gets his head crushed, another is pinned to the wall, while several others get stabbed in the face and poked with things. All of this is done with ZERO suspense or scares, thanks in part to the fact that the film jumps from one camera angle to another so quickly that it's rather like watching someone with acute attention deficit disorder flip through the channels whilst watching television. There is also a dangerously Woo like amount of slow-motion in a weak attempt to add some semblance of impact to the scenes, but said sequences are so jarringly cobbled together you won't know if you're looking at a baseball hat or a spleen.

Basically this movie is such an absolute failure on every conceivable level that it astounds. From the funny as testicular cancer "jokes" to the miserably clichéd medley of outdated street jargon and pop-culture rim shots, Resurrection succeeds at NOTHING. It's not funny, it's not scary, and it's not even remotely entertaining as a guilty pleasure or afternoon distraction. Repeatedly riding a tricycle off of a roof would be more cathartic.

Directed by Halloween 2's Rick Rosenthal, Resurrection lacks any of the dread of his previous outing, instead relying on jumpcuts and pedestrian thrills that may frighten Ebonics spewing white teenage girls with their hair tied back so tight they see through their mouths, but anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the genre will be punching themselves in the groin until unconscious after paying to see this.

I picked this film as the worst horror flick of 2002, and I stand by that 100%. This movie is an absolute piece of shite, but when I saw the list of extras on the back of the DVD I just had to pick it up.

First off, we get a very interesting commentary by Rick Rosenthal and editor Robert A. Ferretti in which the two have a good laugh while discussing the film, and hint at the fact that THIS is not the Halloween film Rosenthal had set out to make. Several people had their fingers in this cookie jar, and it goes a long way (although in a very cryptic manner) toward describing why this film sucked in it's final incarnation. Listen closely, and you can almost feel their shame!

The next batch of goodies are a group of extended, deleted, or alternate scenes, all featuring director's commentary. While none of these scenes on their own would have saved this film from the pits of mediocrity, there are a few that would have at least made the film less of a disjointed and sloppy affair. Some scenes show a hint at actual character development, but were excised due to time and pacing issues. It's neat to see how a feces stain like this movie could have been improved (by maybe a half-skull at best) by the re-introduction of a couple of these expository scenes, and Rosenthal seems to feel the same way, although he's quite diplomatic about it in the commentary.

Moving on, we get a wee segment which takes all of the film's web-cam footage and combines it into a short, voyeuristic little film, also with Rosenthal's commentary. This segment, while less than a few minutes long, is pretty interesting, and more of this would have made the film a helluva lot scarier. I dug this feature a lot!

Another mini-documentary takes us inside the Myers house set, with production designer Troy Hanson. We see all of the trap doors, cinema trickery, and some very detailed set designs that all went to shit in the final product.

The more I watched these vignettes, the sadder I felt for all involved, because these guys REALLY wanted to make a good scare flick!!

Jamie Lee Curtis pops up for another short vignette entitled On the Set, where she hams it up with the Shape, talks to the crew, and seems to be having a grand old time (maybe due to the fact that she knows she's dying and it's her last outing). It's funny, fluffy stuff, and, once again, reveals that there was a completely different film made than the one we were subjected to.

The final mini-doc is a featurette about the head-cam devices worn by the folks who take up residence in the Myers house. We see the cams, how they work, and then abundant footage of them as used in the film. This was the Blair Witch aspect of the flick that could have worked wonders, but was instead wasted, like so many other potentially cool tricks, in the final cut.

Rounding out the DVD are some film to storyboard comparisons, a photo gallery, English and French language tracks, and Spanish subtitles. The picture quality is very nice, with a widescreen transfer enhanced for 16x9 televisions, and a rockingly effective 5.1 Dolby Digital audio track.

To be honest, upon viewing the film at home, and seeing it in digital clarity with such a nice sound mix, I actually softened up a bit on my initial rating. I was even considering giving the film one skull.............

Halloween: Resurrection is a repellent little bastard, but the DVD is one of the best on the market in terms of quality and extras you'll actually enjoy. They hint at a much better film than what we got, which is at both times a little sad and a lot infuriating, but completists who NEED to own every Halloween title (I feel your pain) will feel a hell of a lot better knowing that there's basically a movie's worth of extras to offset the horrible feature presentation.

Still, If the horror genre were a human body, Halloween: Resurrection would be its superfluous third nipple. Useless and unsightly.