Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Tears in my eyes tonight as I think of a friend of mine who brought her son earth-side this morning around 11am. She stayed home, the way its been done for thousands of years. She educated herself, prepared all the necessary goods for a homebirth, and equipped her mind and soul for the birth of this child. She waited with graceful patience the almost 10 long months it took to grow this baby. I'm so proud of her. She is but one of a wave of women who are taking back birth. Taking back the glorious, life-giving thing it is to bring a child into the world. Taking back joy and warding off fear. Giving birth is THE most beautiful thing in all the world. Nothing captures innocence, patience, hard work, pain, joy, wonder, and love better than birth. And I will get my chance. I am taking back joy! I am banishing fear!

Job 8: 19-2119 “ Behold, this is the joy of His way,

And out of the earth others will grow.

20 Behold, God will not cast away the blameless, Nor will He uphold the evildoers.

21 He will yet fill your mouth with laughing, And your lips with rejoicing."

The night is long, but the morning is bright. I will not always be filled with pain, but slowly I am beginning to see the beauty in life. I am choosing joy. I am choosing to see the good. I am choosing NOT to despair but to cling to the faith that God will restore the laughter in my eyes.

This last weekend I was so angry with Nolan. We were driving down to see his parents when I felt a wave of sorrow engulf me. I wept while I drove and silently berated God for not letting me have my son. Nolan asked what was wrong and I told him I felt as though my grief was going to swallow me whole. And he shook his head and said, "Samantha, I wish you'd just trust God." I thought how dare he! I let him grieve any way he wants. I've been understanding and kind and gentle and here he is condemning me for having trust issues with the one Being who could have kept my son alive. How dare he?! Then I felt ashamed. I know in my head that trusting God is the only way to get through this, but I just didn't feel very charitable at the moment toward God. So next I lied to Nolan. I told him I trusted God just fine and that it is perfectly ok for me to question God. Job did after all. Then (I'm ashamed to admit) I turned it around on Nolan saying he must not even care that Asher died if he can so easily trust with out questioning. Just blind faith! I said a lot of other horrible things I don't want to write about too. But, now I see he is right. I do need to 'just trust God'. Isaiah 55:8-9 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. " I can gain an understanding of God through his word, but I will never be able to know the depths of the "whys" and "hows" of Almighty God. For some reason He allowed Asher to die. But he also allowed me to peacefully birth him, hold him and bury him. He allowed a wonderful pregnancy full of joy. He gave me friendships I may never have had if not for Asher. The three weeks after Asher's death were the best three weeks of my marriage in many ways. God has taught me about the peace that passes all understanding, something that I would never have known without Asher's death. I know it is only a short amount of time I have on this earth till I go to heaven myself and see my baby again. And I know that I don't want to spend it in despair.

In Italian, the literal translation of "to give birth" - "dare alla luce,"- is "to give to the light". I want to give to the light. So I will choose joy. I will be pregnant again someday. I will face my fears of loosing another child. I will do the most beautiful thing. I will birth again.

About Me

I am a 23 year old wife and mother of 3. My daughter who is almost 3, and my son, and a new one who will arrive in February. I love to cook, and read. My wonderful husband is my rock, and Christ is my Savior.