Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I
send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I’m giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Santa
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Dear Santa
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set
you up with a Barbie.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.

Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad
just likethe boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.