Emotional appeals for all bros to be replaced by unthinkably large rabbits

“We are blighted,” began an email to all students from the University last Wednesday. “Our campus is overrun, our classrooms overflowed. It is with grave seriousness that we officially address the issue: there are too many bros at McGall.”

The administration’s acknowledgement of the vast overrepresentation of bros has been seen as an underwhelming and untimely response by several campus groups, who have been petitioning for a critical look at student demographics for years. QPARGH is one such group, having organized with the intent of raising awareness of, and action against, the ‘bro situation’ since 2010.
QPARGH working group Woes Before Bros (WBB) maintains a pessimistic outlook. “It’s definitely a situation of too little too late,” said one WBB activist. “Listen, you ever been to Schmerts [Bar] on a Friday night? You know what I’m talking about.”

McGall Deputy Provost (Student Purchases & Receipts) Mo’livier Cryinz was directly referenced in the University’s email, which described his new responsibility as a “liaison” with student activists. When reached for comment, Cryinz confirmed that the administration would be “moving forward” with the most widely supported course of action regarding the bros – that is, the gradual replacement of all bros with large Angora rabbits.

Described as “the best of all possible worlds” by proponents, the bro-to-rabbit turnover is scheduled to take place over the next three years. Careful screening of prospective students will eliminate the enrolment of new bros, and the introduction of the rabbits will be staggered, with a new herd set loose on campus at the beginning of every semester, allowed to “integrate themselves as they will,” according to Cryinz.

The plan has been contentious, with several outspoken students pushing against the majority support. At a consultative forum on the issue on November 12, Hurrah Mann said, “Look, I understand there’s a lot of bros here, but this is absurd. I mean, I’m not speciesist or anything, but isn’t it unfair to just hand over space to those big fluffballs?”

In response, WBB members simply lifted and pointed at large signs with pictures of Angora rabbits the size of people, their fur so long and fluffy that their adorable little noses were obscured. Mann considered the images for a few minutes before saying, “Well… I’ll have to think about it.”

Some criticism about the integration process that lays ahead has already reached the ears of the administration. Cryinz was quick to clarify with The Weekly that though the academic evaluation system must be overhauled in anticipation of the new demographic makeup, professors are “overjoyed” with the scheduled changes.

Cryinz’s sentiments were mirrored by several professors reached for comment. “Yes, we’ll have to restructure our classes,” explained Hardy n’ Burly, associate professor in the Department of Anglophilia. “The rabbits can only be tested with food-baited, forced choice experiments, so it could be tricky to really get a sense of their understanding of Derrida, for example. But that’s a minor concern when you consider just how fluffy they are, oh my god. Have you seen them? Ahhhh! So fluffy!”