Why would anyone want to go to a reading? It’s a valid goddamn question, alright. It’s not like music, ya know. When you go to see a band, when you witness real talent, real joy, that’s one thing. Readings though, those goddamn things, they’re a totally different story…

Dan Shapiro is a piece a work. One weird motherfucker. Everything in his world is backwards. You know how some men hold doors open for women? Well, women hold doors open for Dan.

Dan Shapiro gives burritos diarrhea.

Point in case: you can’t be as awesome as Dan. Sorry. You don’t deserve to smell his farts.

But you can certainly try. Bring your stories, poems, skits—anything with words—and sign up for the goddamn open mic. Try to out-Dan all the other readers. Read something insanely awesome, make a legend of yourself, and, if you’re lucky, people just might like you.

Oh yeah, the weirdest asshole at the open mic will win a prize. Possibly one of them talkin’ fish people hang on their wall. We’re not sure yet. It’ll be pretty awesome though.

Once the open mic is over, we’ll enjoy the writings of Ben Lyon and Janna Sobel, our featured readers. They’re going to give us a nice, thorough, and guaranteed-to-be-awesome lesson on “Role Models.” In other words, they’ll make you feel better about yourself after witnessing the open mic.

Open Mic Details:

MAX TIME OF FIVE MINUTES. You go over and Matt Rowan will manhandle your manhood (or womanhood) off the stage.

Sign-up ends at 7:30. Show up beforehand and find Mason, the man in the cream-colored women’s coat, to sign up.

Your piece does not need to fit the theme of “Role Models,” but it would probably help you win if it did.

This month, P. Fanatics is teaming up with Two Cookie Minimum to bring you not one, but two shows. Double the fun! Doublemint gum! Can you guys handle the collective sarcasm that is Mason Johnson and Johnny Misift?

Readers include Maggie Ritchie, Laura Szumowski (zoo mouse key press), Dave Snyder, Kieth Rosson (avow zine from Milwaukee), Jill Summers, and Adam Drent. It will be hosted by Johnny and Mason (I like to refer to myself in the third person!), with Dan Shapiro loosening things up at the beginning. Nothing like a tall glass of Shapiro.

Performers include Lindsay Hunter, Matt Rowan, the father son duo of Fred Sasaki and Fred Sasaki, and musical comedy by Rich Salamander. Mason and Johnny are hosting this shitshow too! Dan will, as always, be opening things up at the beginning. So don’t be late. Oh, Hawaiian Death Folk Presents will be… present… too!