With Black Friday, Cyber Monday and the profit-generating day formerly known as Thanksgiving
having passed, let us christen the final hours of Ohio’s deer gun season as Stupor Sunday.

Stupor Sunday marks the end times for sportsmen and women seeking excuses for not joining the
shopping legions. Starting Monday, as joyful debtors befitting the season, deer hunters will be
free to swell the numbers preparing to celebrate the birth of Christ by jostling over Xboxes,
flat-screen TVs and truck seat covers done in velveteen camouflage.

The marching cause of consumerism being irresistible, expect no resistance here. In fact, read
on for a few juicy selections from a gifting grab bag meant for the outdoors-oriented.

All set? Just keep your eyes on the glittering watch as it swings back and forth, back and
forth, and start counting toward one from 100 … 99 … 98 …

Mesmerized yet? Ah, that’s the way:

• Grillbot, $69.95 for base model that runs on six “D” batteries, $99.95 for model with LCD
screen and rechargeable batteries. Its microcomputing brain cunningly moves Grillbot — its brushes
furiously scrubbing under a black, red, blue or orange shell — randomly along the top of any grimy
grill on cleaning missions.

Imagine the thoughts Tecumseh or Daniel Boone might have had after glimpsing a future with
Grillbot in it. Perhaps they would have shrugged their shoulders at the futility of their labor and
flicked their willow-branch venison skewers into the campfire, looking skyward and crying to the
heavens: “If only I could live another 200 years!”

• Locca, $135-$215 plus monthly service fee. Locca appears to be an answer to an ancient
question: When is technology not technology?

As its Beverly Hills, Calif.-based publicist observed in a recent sales pitch: “The only way to
truly take in Mother Nature is when you are able to escape the real world and get a breath of fresh
air without seemingly being attached to technology. Take the smartphone out of hand and pack a
Locca in your bag, the world’s most sophisticated GPS locator.”

True enough. It’s hard to get lost or to hide out during a day hike when someone accessing an
electronic screen is tracing your every move using five different tracking technologies. Hey, but
why not? Washington is doing it. No price is too high to keep Americans, singly or collectively,
safe.

• Beardski, $30. As the marketer says, “You’re sure to make a statement on the slopes, on a
hunting trip, at parties, tailgating or anywhere else with Beardski … the original fake and funny
beard.” No arguing that. Not to mention that few things in life surpass the buzz that comes with
infiltrating Amish barn-raising bees.

When traveling to parts of West Virginia, Beardski wears well with Hillbilly Teeth ($12.80,
eBay) pulled from a straw suitcase ($20.69, Ali Express). A lapel flower that squirts water
completes the ensemble.

• Magnalight 20-watt hand-held spotlight, $320. One pitchman says the spotlight’s November
rollout and the promise of its 700-foot beam reach have triggered “the delight of hunters
everywhere.” So that’s why all the cheering in the hollows after sunset last week. Had to figure it
wasn’t the deer so much.

• Charles van der Pear boxers shorts, $49. Described as “perfect for outdoor activities” even
though the accompanying teaser photos strongly suggest the body-caressing boxers are more likely to
enhance the wearer’s chances of participating in uncertain indoor activities.

This is one of indomitable man’s best-kept secrets: the suffering wrought by underwear. At last
relieved. One weeps knowing what hardships Boone, Tecumseh and generations of sportsmen endured as
they toasted buffalo parts while clad in bunched-up unmentionables deficient in their air-flow
applications.