Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard

No, I don’t mean that as in he’s perfect. I mean it as in he’s a damn spell casting practitioner of the dark arts.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard:

10. When he asks you to polish his wand, he isn’t making an off color joke. He literally dropped his magic wand in the toilet and only you can restore it to its naturally pristine state.

9. He’s not the best guy to ask for a drink. The beverages he brings you look more like potions. Green or purple. Smoking or bubbling. (Note if your boyfriend is not a wizard do not rule out the possibility that your boyfriend might be Bill Cosby.)

8. Whenever he stinks up the bathroom, he gives you fair warning by shouting, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

7. No matter how old he is, has a ten foot long gray beard. Wizards love their beards because it is easy to hide potions, powders, spell books and other magic supplies in them. Also, they can whip on sunglasses and make coin by starting their own ZZ Top tribute bands.

6. Never stops smoking his pipe, even while in front of a No Smoking sign. Puffs out smoke clouds in the shape of mythical animals.

5. His wardrobe only consists of dark colored robes and floppy yet pointy hats. Breaks out his constellation covered robes on special occasions.

4. Best pickup lines revolve around making his penis, your pants or some other article of clothing disappear in an inappropriate manner. (Less humorous but more appropriate lines include observations that you are “enchanting” and claims that you have “cast a spell on him.)

3. The house isn’t big enough for his pet dragon and your pet cat.

2. Hides risque magazines in his spell books.

If you’re a fantasy heroine, he’ll pop up occasionally to give you cryptic advice before disappearing abruptly. Also, he will bogart your Doritos. Wizards love Doritos, but they are notoriously cheap bastards who don’t pay for shit. Your cat will get along with his dragon before that SOB pries open his wallet for anything. That’s just Wizardry 101.