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Thursday, August 25, 2016

I've been rejected... A
LOT. Nearly 150 times. And that's just querying. I've entered contests I
haven't gotten into. I've gotten into contests and not gotten requests.
I've gotten requests from contests that ultimately turned into
rejections. And that's just my writing. That doesn't count the jobs I've
been rejected for, auditions I've failed to get, leadership groups I
haven't gotten into, awards I've been nominated for and didn't get and
on and on. Rejections happens everywhere in life. It hurts. It shouldn't
be personal, but it sure as shit feels like it sometimes.

I've
watched people I've come up through the writing ranks with get agents,
book deals, and see their books get published. I've cheered for them and
helped them. I've watched people that started after me succeed. Get
agents, get book deals, get published. I've cheered for them as well. I
love watching people succeed. But that still doesn't change the fact
that rejection hurts. A LOT.

I've watched people
explain their path to success. Y person entered x contest 3 times and
finally got in. (I did too and didn't). So and so got his or her agent
on their third manuscript (I'm on my fourth, third that I'm looking at
querying). That person got a book deal without an agent (I have no book
deals.) and on and on. It's so hard to keep going when you feel like
you're behind people. And it's even harder to not compare yourself to
others.

I've been thanked in so many books I've
lost count. I appreciate the recognition and I'm so glad I was able to
help so many others succeed. But that doesn't change the fact that I
have a goal. A goal to see my name on the cover of a book, to walk into a
book store and see my book on the shelf, to sign books for excited
readers, to get fan mail, and one day maybe some fan art for the
characters and worlds I've created.

But every time my email
goes off my heart sinks. Is this another rejection? Or maybe it's just
email. And the silence hurts more. Did they even get my email? Are they
ignoring me? Are they ever going to respond? Who even knows anymore. It
all hurts so much sometimes.

As a look back on where I
started though, that's where thing start to make a little sense. I made
mistakes. LOTS OF THEM. I started my first book with someone waking up
and staring at themselves in the mirror and describing themselves. I
didn't even finish that book.

Then euphoria, I finished a book. I
proved to myself I could do it. I researched querying and then the
rejections started flowing in. No requests. I entered contests and
didn't get in I researched some more. I entered more contests got into a
couple. No requests. How embarrassing... I got more feedback and did
more research and BAM some partial requests. I never made it to fulls.

Another
idea, another manuscript. I proved to myself I could complete more than
one. I entered contests I got interest, but didn't get in. Then I got
into a contest and actually got requests... for fulls. And I queried and
got more requests for partials and fulls. And then the rejections
started rolling in. I didn't get much feedback and felt lost. How do I
fix this? Is it subjective? Is there something else wrong? I got more
feedback from CPS. I rewrote, I queried some more. Got some more
requests that also ultimately turned into rejections. Still no usable
feedback. I pushed the MS aside.

I wrote another
manuscript. Hey I'm getting pretty good at this. I got some feedback. I
edited. I entered a contest and wasn't picked. More hurt and pain and
wondering what I'm doing wrong. The answer might be nothing. But my gut
tells me there's something I'm missing.

So now what? More
research? More feedback? Into the query trenches for ultimately more
rejections? I have to go with my gut and dive in for more feedback. But
what's even the point? I haven't achieved my goal, and I've watched so
many others pass me up.

The journey. I've grown so much as a
writer and if I'm being completely honest, writing has helped me grow
as a person too. In each step I've learned something. I've gotten a
little further down the road. I've met more amazing people. Will my next
manuscript be the one? Who even knows? But I have a choice, leave the
path forever and never reach my goals, or continue down it and see where
it takes me.

I'm the curious type so I'm going to
continue down the path. And one day, maybe, I might see my dreams come
true. I might get to hold that book with my name on the cover. And to me
that image makes it all worth it.

About Me

I'm an aerospace engineer that has been exploring my creative side. I love young adult and middle grade literature, especially science fiction and fantasy. I'm currently writing several science fiction pieces both MG and YA.