Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Coming out to my friends and first visit(s) to gay club

I think it's about time I finish this post which I talked a lot in my breakdown post.

Long title, and I think it will be long post...

On October 1st we were going out regularly in some random club on the river, me and my friends from neighbourhood (David, Lucy, Ben, Isaac, Johnny), and also there were a lot of other friend from my University. Cathrin, now David's girlfriend (and my good friend from University, my department) and Joanna, Cathrin's best friend, our great friend (also from my department), too... And during this summer and past year I came out to all of them... And I need to mention one more person - George... I don't know why I never mention all of them, I was busy by catching up to my stories from Budapest and to the story about Mike and Chris and I neglected my close friends, even though Chris became one of my dearest and closest friends, and that's another story... Which I will tell in the future, hopefully.

So, George is a guy I met through a website, the dating site and I met him after breakup with Mike, and I tried to find out someone new, so I rushed into new relationships so fast... I thought that the pain will go away and I had two 'relationships' which aren't that important for me, nothing serious happened beside kiss, I just realised that I have Mike in my head and I broke up with both guys very soon, after two or three days. The third wanna-be-relationship was George, but as soon as I met him in person I realised I'm starting to be with a guy, then a guy and a guy and I stopped, we were just walking around and when I left, I clearly told him that I'm still not over my ex and that I don't want anything from him. That happened somewhere around November of 2010. And nothing happened between us...

But, accidentally, me and George stayed in touch over Windows Live Messenger and Facebook and we chatted a lot and started to become close. Later, we realised that George and David are going at the same University and at the same department. I'll make it short now. After two months of online friendship I invited him to some party with all my friends, including David, who knew about me and he met George. And they became quite nice friends. And later George became a part of my closest circle of friends, friends from neighbourhood and later we started coming out to all of them, slowly. Now we are all one big group of friends.

First, I told David and Lucy, you know that story, then I came out to Ben, it was on Lucy's birthday, then I told Johnny like three or four months ago and finally it came to Isaac, I told him like one week after Johnny and all of them was okay in the beginning, but Isaac and Johnny still need to relax a bit and I told you already that Isaac is really hard person and that you need to be slow with him. He was mad that he was last to know and he was mad at all of us because we kept such a huge secret from him. I explained to him that THIS is a BIG deal in our country and that it wasn't EASY to me to accept myself either, and later to COME OUT to others. It's even SAD because I need to do that, but the circumstances are like that, so I MUST wait for the perfect moment. And that it was MINE to choose when to tell him, so he don't have the right to get mad on other people. And I know he is immature and very narrow minded person, but you can't explain easy to a very stubborn person that he's like that, because he'll get mad. And even though he KNOWS he's wrong and even though he KNOWS we are right in some views (I'm generally speaking) he won't admit that, and he will stick to his opinion until it happens that he accidentally, all by himself, realise something which was obvious long time ago. What I wrote here are very strong words, but they are true.

Okay, now, let's get back to the gay club going out.

First time it happened between 1st and
2nd October (and the Pride Day was planned for the 2nd of October) when
we were regularly going out at some random club and around 2 AM George, Lucy and me went to the gay club.
The most popular one was closed (because the Gay Pride was planned for tomorrow so they needed to be careful), but the second one (with some bad rumors about it) was open. We entered and it was weird, different and
strange with a lot of dirty dancing and stuff going around. To be honest
I didn't like it one bit, and we stayed inside for about 2 hours max. And one guy hit on me, he was 29 years old
and we even went at one date after the club, he was okay guy, but was
too older and bit strange. I wanted to give him a chance to see how we will get along, but
after that date, I haven't heard nothing from him. It is bit weird, I
don't know, but to be honest, I didn't like him that much to consider a
relationship or anything else with him...

Also, after that night, we
decided to go out to another gay club in the city, that first one which was closed, which was my idea,
because I heard a nice stories about that place and U. told me lot of
nice compliments about that place. We (George and I) went there on 7th of October and I drank a lot, because I got scared. David, Lucy, Lucy's girl friend (she's bisexual), David's girlfriend (Cathrin, my colleague from University), Joanna, and their friend were our company.

When I entered the club I was amazed by the interior of the club, and before that by the location of the club, and it seemed wonderful. It was nice party, to be honest, but I was scared with everyone knowing I'm gay so I danced a lot with two girls and I almost got hooked-up with them. Also, everyone was staring at you and I didn't like that. Later, I realized everyone knows everyone and we were 'new' and it was awkward because everyone was staring at us, because we were 'new fags' in town. Or at least I thought about the situation like that. I told you I was scared and I didn't like everybody knowing about me, but later I got used to that feeling and it started to be a nice feeling, because no matter how good, bad or devious people are, at least I'm in my "sort". People (no matter gay, st8 or something else) will always talk behind your back and you can't do anything about that. This is bit more dangerous because being gay is not okay here, so if the word spreads, you can be in a danger, but if you don't take a risk, you won't gain anything, so I didn't care about that feeling that much after some time. I'm proud of myself and I will stand for myself if something happens.

After that okayish first experience, we went one more time there, it was all of a sudden, and it was better than the first and second time, but the third time was amazing! It was huge party with about 300-400 participants, and I wrote a post before going there. That night I met U. (I knew that he will come, because he loves Lady Gaga) and I talked with him for some short time, I was also bit drunk, but not like the first time, and we were okay, I introduced him to George and Joanna and he met me with a friend of his and showed me others, who I knew from the story while we were together. I was really glad that I saw him and to see he is okay. Then I continued to go around the club and I met the most unexpected person there - it was V.

Remember him? A guy who is "kinda" my first boyfriend, small relationship of two weeks I had when I started coming out to the world. It was nice meeting him, we talked, and I also was glad because I saw him. After that I met my neighbour, a kid (okay, for me he's a kid), and a girl who also lives in my neighbourhood, and she works there as a waiter, but I already met her the first night, so it wasn't a surprise. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I met a second year colleague of my
department the first night I went to the club, he always was obviously
gay (style, behavior etc.) and we never spoke before that night, and
after finding out about each other (officially) we became good friends,
and we even have some classes together, so slowly, more and more people
at my department knows about me, but I don't care. I told Cathrin,
Joanna and one another girl (that was an accident), then this colleague
find out when he saw me in the club, now his friend, who is also nice,
knows... And so on, I won't bore you with this, I just wanted to mention
him, because he's now a part of my life, a new gay friend :)

As the night progressed, I ended up with V. on the dance floor, and we kissed after some dancing (again), (btw that was my first time that I danced with a guy in some club or whatever), and now I was the initiator. I don't know was it alcohol, or the wish to forget U. while he was there, or desire to just kiss with someone, or not to be alone, but it was nice and okay experience. Later he asked me if I want to go to his place, and cleverly I accepted.

Nothing serious happened, to be honest I went with him because he proposed like (I quote) "We don't need to do anything if you don't want to, but it's nice to have someone close to you, so you don't sleep alone" and I wanted to see his intentions, to see how much I really knew him and how much did he change and how much will I resist the temptation. I realised that I won't do anything with him shortly after going from club, it was just kissing and a bj, and V. literally begged me to have sex, and I refused, because it didn't fell right, and he was very persistent, and I didn't like that, too. He was so turned on, and desperate so he after telling me to be a bottom (playing the role of a macho-man), said that he'll be a bottom, because he desperately was looking for sex. And later he'll do me, so it will be "equal".

It was weird, I wasn't really "okay" with the proposal and I clearly said "no", which clearly pissed him off (because all that smooth talk was to make me go to bed and I knew that) and I saw his intentions right away but I wanted to see how far will he go, and I stayed to my principals (even though I was way too drunk after) and clearly said "No!". He just jerked off, cleaned himself up, turned away to other side and try to fall asleep... Later he turned back, hugged me and we fall asleep together. In some awkward way, it was cute and sweet :)

When we woke up, around 8 AM, I just went outside, we kissed each other on the door lightly and even though he said that he would like to stay in contact with me after that night (we lost touch a long time ago, he changed the number, I deleted him from FB and so on), he didn't even send a message or anything, and I didn't hear from him since. And to be honest, I don't want to.

And I was glad because I was a tough bitch and I stayed to my principals and didn't let him use me, because I would have felt used after that night if something had happened. I returned home with grin on my face... And I realized V. is not a guy for me and I'm glad nothing beside that from above happened between us. It was something like karma, because of our past and him leaving a wound on my heart (okay, this sounded sooo pathethic :P) I didn't like him one bit, he showed me his real face, but I was glad to see he's okay.

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