I
am being halfway serious. If you know me you know
that I love huge battling robots. It's like a fetish.
I am both stimulated and horrified all at the same
time - kind of like being in an A&W restaurant.
Can they legally call their establishment a restaurant?
Hey Dave, A&W isn't one of our advertisers, are
they? Good. You should see what those bastards have
done to my waistline this past summer.

S.L.A.I.
stands for Steel Lancer Arena International. I just
knew that you wanted to know what that meant so I
got it out of the way. Your wish is my command. What?
No I can't do that. No I won't do that. I have your
IP address you little freak, and I have half a mind
to tell your mother. You are the mother? In that case
I do have half a mind. And yes I will. What time?
That will be fine. Just look for the fat guy with
the A&W root beer mug and mustard stains on the
front of his shirt - I'll be the guy standing next
to him. In the event that there isn't anyone else
standing next to him you may as well ask that fat
root beer guy to go with you. He's not a bad fellow
once you get to know him. Buy him some onion rings
and get on his good side.

With
my unnatural fascination of mech fighting I could
be either a connoisseur of such games or an over zealous
kook that is blinded by his own desires. Frankly,
I'm somewhere in between. I am willing to overlook
some flaws - much as I'm willing to overlook at least
20 - 30 pounds on a girl that gives me any attention
whatsoever. That number could go a lot higher if I've
been drinking. That includes root beer.

S.L.A.I.
is not without its flaws. Gamers that aren't fanatical
about the genre will complain a lot more than I, but
I would be remiss if I didn't point them out. There
they are. Did you see them? Perhaps that was too fast
for you. You're not slow are you? Is someone reading
this to you?

The
gameplay mirrors virtual reality in that these fights
take place in a cyberspace arena, which they do. You
can play against computer-controlled bots in the single-player
mode or you can challenge up to five other humans
on the internet. You might have to wait a few weeks
because there is virtually no one on like now except
for game reviewers and the lucky punks that the reviewers
give the game to when they're done reviewing it. A
two-player split screen mode is available if you can't
find anyone online. It's better than nothing.

Don't
let the minor flaws scare you away. The gameplay is
deep and lots of fun. An excellent tutorial will get
you started. Even if you're a bit of an idiot like
me you'll be up and running in no time. Although the
difficulty increases later in the game you should
have no trouble kicking some major robot ass early
on. This will not only build your confidence but the
money that you earn will help you build a better bot.

These
bots are called SVs. If you want to know what that
means you're going to have to buy the game because
I'm sick of doing everything for you. They can have
legs or wheels. There are literally thousands of combinations
of add-ons, weapons and upgrades that you can purchase
or rent. The rent option is a good way to get high-powered
and high-priced items that you wouldn't normally have
access to so early in the game. This will allow you
to make some major kills and earn a lot of money in
a short period of time.

It's
fairly easy to psych yourself out with all these upgrades
and configurations but don't fall prey to the sim
element. Outfit your SV with some good ranged and
melee weapons and just go out there and fight, or
should I say "rumble?"

Maneuvering
your SV around is not easy and it's not pretty. There
are certain things in the environment that will block
your path that really shouldn't. It's a problem with
the collision detection system. Trying to jump over
a small piece of shrapnel can turn into a nightmare.
You can let this ruin your experience or you can adapt.
Just activate the targeting system and shoot away
and do as much damage as you can. Then get the hell
out of there, fast. Kind of like what I do when I
go to the toilet in an A&W.

We've
all seen better-looking games. The graphics are a
little on the low-res side but keep in mind that the
graphics are only replicating a digital game taking
place in cyberspace and not replicating something
from real-life. There are a lot of annoying numbers
and symbols onscreen, (HUD) but they get less annoying
once you understand what they all mean which surprisingly
doesn't take long. The sound effects pack a good wallop
but nothing stands out as unique. Even the music is
kind of generic.

It
would be easy to dismiss this game as average or even
looking like a budget title but it does have character
and personality not to mention a great deal of depth.
The challenges are a lot of fun and the difficulty
is dangled in front of you like a carrot on a stick,
it's never forced down your throat making you feel
like an inept loser. If more people get online this
could really take off, but for now the single-player
mode is still good enough to recommend trying it out.