Transitioning from a Regular Life to one with an Invisible Illness

Tag Archives: Inner Peace

I live in New York State, currently in one of the 5 boroughs, less than 10 miles from Manhattan. Until I became ill and had to move out of Manhattan, I lived in NYC for 20 years, in the same apartment building.

Manhattan was great when you are able to walk around, take public transportation and have enough money to order in meals. But once I became confined to my apartment because of my illness, Manhattan became a horrible place to live.

Parking was a nightmare and none of my friends or family could come visit me during the day, even on weekends it was difficult. I was a prisoner in my apartment, when I lived in the busiest city in the country, the city that never sleeps. I sat in my apartment day after day, looking out my window, seeing the world pass me by, as I tried to figure out what my illness was.

If I had to leave the apartment, I would count the steps required to walk up the block to the bus stop and then would picture in my mind how many steps were required to get to the doctors office that I needed to get to on that particular day. My social life consisted of doctor visits and occasional phone calls when I had the energy.

My living room became my solace and I can still picture every last inch of it. It’s etched in my mind and I loved being in that room. I had lived in my apartment prior to my marriage and then remained there after my divorce. Once my divorce was finalized, I redecorated the place so that I would have a fresh start. I love to decorate and to pick out colors. I don’t look at this process as work, or as a chore, like so many people do. I was enjoying this process and everything I choice, I loved.

So if I could be transported back to one place, I would love to be able to go back to my old apartment in NYC and be healthy and once again enjoy what Manhattan has to offer. I would visit the WTC Museum and have lunch at my favorite neighborhood place, which served the best grilled chicken salad, with hearts of palm and roasted artichokes. Then I would walk cross town and go see the Broadway play Aladdin.

I probably wouldn’t have wanted to live in Manhattan forever, but I would have wanted to leave on my own terms and not be forced to leave because I became ill, went on disability and got fired from a company where I worked for 15 years at a job I absolutely loved.

We have just passed the sad anniversary of when I went out on Disability. I have been thinking about the 4 years since that happened and what has occurred in my life. And what has stood out to me, has been the stand out and stand up Women I have met in this time. I have met 4 women, through the course of my new journey that are Powerful, Grateful, Kind and Loving all in different ways, but all in ways that reach out to you.

3 of these women, I am proud to call my friend. The 4th is a recent addition to my world, but she is unlike anybody I have ever met, as she is a Nun, who is also a Licensed Massage Therapist. I went for a massage yesterday and also received a blessing as she prays at the beginning and end of the session. I am not religious and not even Catholic, but yesterday I felt the presence of God during the session. I so wish this woman was my grandmother, as she has spunk beyond her years and a twinkle in her eye.

All these women have their own life stories to tell, filled with their own trials and tribulations, yet all show up every single day with a welcoming smile on their face and are just grateful to be here another day. Another one of these woman is a Reiki Healer and being with her is like transcending time. When you are with her, an inexplicable peace just fills your body and you feel calm and relaxed. There is an energy emitted by this woman and it too envelopes you beyond which any words can describe.

The last 2 women, are either struggling with their own illness, or the illness of a close loved one, yet they are grateful and appreciative for everything good thing in their life and try not to dwell or drown with the bad part.

I am so eternally grateful that my illness has brought these 4 Amazing Women to me. They are role models and mentors in many ways and I hope they all know how much their friendship means to me. I think about how they struggle, yet always sound cheery when we speak and never complain about these troubles, just talk about them as part of their life.

When you are struggling with a chronic illness or dealing with a chronic illness the illness creates your “new normal”, in such that now it is part of your new life and going back to your old life is not even possible. Right now all I can do is accept my “new normal” and be thankful that I have these “new friends” to share them with.

Today it was pointed out to me by someone who’s opinion I trust and respect, that I very rarely get angry. This wasn’t the first time this was pointed out to me and I wanted to explore this further. I said anger is an emotion I am not comfortable with. I hate the emotion when it is displayed in others and especially when it’s directed at me. I try very hard to live and act a certain way, so as not to hurt or anger anyone. My intent is always pure and I expect others to act the same way.

But is it healthy not to get angry? Can’t I be pure and good and nice and still display anger. Am I harming myself by not getting angry when it is warranted? Shouldn’t I be angry that I am chronically ill and have no idea when (or if) I will ever return to health? Shouldn’t I be angry that I had to stop working and go on disability? Shouldn’t I be angry that I had to sell my co-op that I owned for 20 years and move to a neighborhood near my mom and sister, so that I had a support system near by. Shouldn’t I be angry that I have been removed from society for 5 years and not able to move on with my live?

When I read this, I’m thinking of course I should be angry, but I’m not. Or is this anger so suppressed and buried deep within me, that it is keeping me ill and I don’t even know it. It would be a lie to say that my life and my health haven’t changed for the worse, but I think I am making the best of a difficult situation and I just don’t see how being angry that this happened to me is of any use.

I grieved for the loss of my pre-illness life, as I would a loved one. In fact, I was going through this period of mourning my old life, when my dad past, so I grieved for them both at the same time. Just as I deeply miss my dad, I deeply miss the life I had, but as time moves on and you become more removed from the past, the new normal is your reality. While I remember and have flashbacks of my dad when I see a mailman on the street (as that was his occupation), or when I have to parallel park (as he taught me how to expertly do that), I also have flashbacks and pangs of sadness when I think back to my working and dating days. But not anger, never anger or rage.

I’m starting to wonder if this is normal. I never really thought about it before like this. What good is constantly reliving the past in our minds, it only holds us back from moving forward. I have so many physical constraints, I don’t want to think that my mind is causing me to prolong my illness and recovery.

I strongly believe that a very important component of me getting well and feeling better is adapting to my new reality. Even though my life is difficult, very difficult at times, I still have an inner peace that sustains me and helps me go on each day. There are days when I feel useless and not productive, but I never feel like my life is without value or worth.

My particular chronic illness is an extremely physically draining one, but I would be foolish to think that it isn’t emotionally draining too. The more I adapt to my current surroundings and my new limits, the happier I feel I will be. I am very thankful, that before I became ill, I was a very resilient, easy going individual and this resilience has served me well. I also am thankful that I have a social support system that is available to me when I speak up and ask for help.

So as suggested to me, for the next 30 days, I am going to keep a diary of situations that occur and my response to them and see if anger is warranted in any of the situations when I review the day in my diary. I am hoping I don’t have too many entries!