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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

After Vipassana and AAA

If you have not read the Before Vipassana blog then you might want to read that before reading this one,

Ten days at Dhammapafulla
started peacefully. My son- Kabir was in Kolkata for the Guitar Festival and
Vinay was at home. I sent the last messages and without waiting for their
replies I surrendered my phone and purse. It felt like I am surrendering to
police and entering a prison. Why was I doing it? No one forced me to do this!
Should i quit and go back? My mind was confused.

However, i saw around 31 other ladies in somewhat similar thoughts
and told myself to be patient. They explained us the schedule which included
almost 10 hours of sitting for meditation and around one and half hour of
discourse every evening. I knew that I would enjoy the discourse but I had never
done any meditation beyond a few minutes. Generally, when courses are taught in schools and
colleges you have several hours of lectures and only a few hours are given for
experimentation. Here it was exactly the reverse. Vipassana means seeing
clearly without living in an illusion. So I was here to see things clearly. I
started brushing away the thoughts of calling home or quitting.

Although, I had deposited my phone without much feeling, withdrawal
symptoms started in the night. As I entered my cell I stopped making eye
contact with my room partner. It was exciting to have escaped from household
chores and school work. I started a feeling of liberation already. I did not
have to cook/clean or mark papers/prepare slides for next class. It was as if the
time had slowed down and I had a lot of time for myself. But there was no
internet/ TV. In fact, not even a pen and paper for me to write down my
thoughts. Was i in Vipassana jail or was my regular life was in a self-made
prison?

The moments of “AAA”

During meditation and even at night the thoughts of Kabir and
Vinay would haunt me. I would visualize worse things and shudder in my own
thoughts. A painful wave would pass through my spine. Thoughts would cloud my
mind and eyes would well up. I started focusing
my attention on the tip of the nostrils. AWARENESS was the first lesson.
Somehow, the wild thoughts started stopping momentarily. I started asking
myself; “Is there anything you can do to find out the condition of your family?”
The reply would come from somewhere: “Nothing! Just focus on the nostrils….”
The cycle of awareness of the present moment and drift would keep whirling. At
times I felt that this was not a prison as I had thought before. Although, I was
sitting in the hall, I would start feeling completely free like the parakeets chirping
outside. The worries started evaporating partially. But this was not going to be
permanent!

As the days passed in silence, the silence was only
outwardly. The mind would become ultra-active and turbulent instead of focusing.
On the 6th or 7th day I realized that all the situations
of anger, worries, hatred, and agonies were surfacing due to ATTACHMENT TO
ONESELF. As soon as a painful thought arose I started evaluating the causes and
started watching it. I realized that this process would defuse the mental bomb.
At times for some unexplained reasons or out of realization of my own innumerable
mistakes over the years tears would start rolling down. I started carrying a
kerchief to the meditation sessions.

I managed to control weeping using the two ‘A’ s- AWARENSS
and ATTACHMENT.

The third and the most important ‘A’ that I learnt and
experienced was ‘ANICCA’. The Pali word literally means “inconstant” or "impermanent". It relates to the impermanence of everything. During long sessions
of meditation what was called as Adhitthana (sitting with a strong
determination without opening eyes or changing posture as far as possible)
there were several moments of excruciating pain. When the concept of realizing that
the pain is impermanent or ANICCA was applied to the pain in my knees and back
it worked.

Slowly I started applying the concept of AWARENESS,
ATTACHMENT and ANICCA to every physical and mental pain (and pleasure at
times!). The focus on awareness of sensation, realization of attachment and implementing
the idea of Anicca started getting into my head slowly. The physical pain
started reducing first. Someone may argue that this could be due to practice.
One session of Adhitthana would go undisturbed and I would think that “I did it!”
and in the next session the pain would come just at the 15th minute!
Pain was still there however, I was reacting differently.

Nothing is permanent…so was my stay at Vipassana centre! The
formula of AAA worked and gave me a lot of strength in those 10 days. But this
was just a controlled experiment and I managed it. The real examination will be
when I am in the outside world. As the New
Year 2015 rolls in and I interact with my family, friends and enemies, at home
or on streets of Bengaluru….whenever difficult situations arise will I be able
to apply this formula? Time will only tell the answer. I did find some peace
within me. However, this is just a first step on a long journey that will last
till my last breath.

About Me

Gauri has more than 21 years of teaching experience in following subjects:
Physics, Theory of knowledge, Mathematics, Programming in India and in USA. She has more than 15 years of experience in teaching IB and IGCSE curricula. She uses variety of engaging techniques such as information technology, Art, music and movements in classroom. She has years of experience in mentoring teachers and students.
She conducts workshops in Creative teaching-learning for teachers and facilitates training for IB teachers in Physics HL and Theory of Knowledge.