Day 51: Tuff Luff –Pregnancy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that seeing the picture of a man placing his face against her wife’s pregnant body is something beautiful and ‘touching,’ which is in fact only me acting from a preprogrammed accepted symbolism of seeing motherhood/ parenthood as one of the ‘miracles in the world,’ which I’ve had mixed and encountered opinions about throughout my life, yet most likely always having seen it as something rather disgusting and disturbing, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confuse about motherhood and being pregnant and having children, because of having condemned it for the past second half of my life wherein I have been diligently exposing why Not brining kids into this world is a sane and responsible decision, yet when I read about ‘becoming a parent’ I obviously react in fear and absolute denial because of the disgust that I’ve held toward the entire pregnancy process that a woman endures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let the moment ‘go by’ whenever I got this awful reactions by watching both of my niece an nephew’s ‘birth time’ on a screen, wherein I was absolutely horrified by the entire scenario, almost like watching some massacre on the screen and becoming disgusted and having this nausea in my stomach, yet being confused as to not being able to word it to anyone else because: everyone else was just laughing and crying of joy.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was ‘something wrong’ within me because I would see the point of being pregnant and giving birth as an obvious disturbing process, and within this having mixed-thoughts, perspectives and emotions about it, which indicates that I haven’t established my perspective about this for the obvious fear that I have of ever being pregnant which is a point that I have vowed myself to not do in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep within me the memory of me feeling guilty the moment that my mother explained the damages done to her body due to her last birthing process which was myself, and as I write this a pulse in the heart comes through as a sense of anxiety that implies I took it personal and believed that: I was the cause of her body being so disrupted throughout my birthing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from that moment on take things personal and believing that anything that would go ‘wrong’ was my fault, just because of this image and imprint I have of my mother pointing her finger at me when explaining to someone how much her skin and body was fucked ever since she had me, which made feel like the scum of the Earth that had come to ruin her life.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of me not having been a ‘desired baby’ and that I had been a ‘mistake’ just because of all the jokes they would always tell about me being adopted from a bunch of sinful nuns – lol – this is no joke!

Okay lol, I give some context. I was born in a catholic/ nun type of hospital and my parents and sisters would joke with me how I wasn’t really their daughter/ sister, but that I had been given in adoption by a ‘sinful nun’ at the hospital, which would explain ‘why’ I was such an alien in the family, according to them. ‘Funny thing’ is that from joke to joke I came to believe that I was actually ‘not from the family’ and believed myself to really not having been desired – which brings up another point

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever take it personal for having been a ‘baby girl’ instead of the boy that both my parents were expecting me to be. And within this, having lived a life of believing that I wasn’t Fully accepted or desired in the family, which fed my pattern of dissociating from it and eventually becoming the direct opposite of ‘who they are’ in order to establish myself as that which I thought they had seen me as throughout my entire life: an alien, a last moment addition or a mistake.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to keep thoughts within me of not having been desired in my family, which lead me to this ‘low self esteem’ and rather self-belittling type of judgment that I embodied as a personality that would decisively imply: I am in this family but not of/ from this family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to harbor thoughts that me having an umbilical cord around my neck made me create an ultimate hell within my very first experience within my mother’s womb, which lead me to spite her for having left me more time in there even if I was ready to get out and was almost a bit ‘too late’ to come out

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to harbor this ‘irrational’ irritation if not hatred toward my progenitors for having brought me into this world that I many times claimed to not wanting to be here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I was a last-minute nuisance to my family and within this, feed my own beliefs of ‘not being wanted’ and essentially victimizing myself, which would come as irrational thoughts because I was never actually told that ‘I was not desired/ wanted’ – I formulated this all in my head – and I realize that even if such words were uttered from my family members, I would still not have to take it personal as each person is speaking from their own self-experience, which is at the moment for everyone in this world not aligned within a principle of what’s best for all, which is how and why Self Forgiveness is the basic way to establish a point of understanding toward one another, because we have all aced in ways that were simply instigated by a survival system within our own minds, which entailed no consideration or common sense regard toward life itself.

I realize that I am simply the product of a basic union of two physical bodies and minds that generated who and what I currently am, which implies that I am equal to and one with everyone else that is also here and that has been exiting/ coming into this world within the same ways wherein: we are all responsible for never having questioned the most basic process of ‘giving birth’ and establishing common sense as to the realization of what is it in fact that we are bringing to Earth as ourselves, as our ‘mint copy’ that is certainly requiring proper and specific understanding of how we have created ourselves/ our world – and in that, taking our own lives by the hand, walking a process of self-forgiveness to release any form of usual retaliation and vengeful thoughts toward parents, or ‘the system’ or whoever else in separation of ourselves

I commit myself to walk this point in Self Honesty to get to a point where I no longer react in absolute horror, disgust, fear and even petrification when thinking, watching, seeing someone pregnant, seeing the birth of a human being in this world – walking in absolute breath to not react emotionally toward it and instead dedicate myself to first remove the conditions that I have accepted as a relationship of cultural brainwashing toward seeing pregnancy as something ‘beautiful’ in pictures and words – yet revolting in disgust and horror when seeing the real deal of what it entails to give birth and take care of a child.

I commit myself to stop any reaction toward parents that are bringing kids into this world, as I realize that as long as I hold this inherent hatred toward ‘them’ for ‘bringing more children into this world’ I am only spiting myself as life as well. So, this is a point that is not yet walked and that I can only at the moment,commit myself to continue educating myself in the Heaven’s Journey to Life blog which is the perfect educational platform that is walked as self-forgiveness to actually learn what really goes on within a birthing process from the moment of conception and inception in this world, wherein I am exorcizing all the experiences that I had not been able to give a name to for myself.

I commit myself to breathe every time that I see myself having either emotions and feelings when looking at pregnant women or women with small children – as well as both parents with their children, which is stopping the cultural programming of seeing a family nucleus as something ‘beautiful,’ without really being aware of what this is actually entailing in a holistic manner from all relationship perspectives that I am most likely not aware of through and by only looking at a picture.

I commit myself to stop the spitefulness that I tend to secretly project onto any pregnant woman that I see on the streets, for having projected this spitefulness toward my sisters and my mother in a way and in that, make sure I walk my own process of removing fear and love and hate and disgust toward pregnancy/ parenting itself as the physical act of brining another child into this world.

“I commit myself to, take responsibility for me as the Mind Consciousness System relationship to and as my Physical-Body, to be/become a living example for generations to come, in standing and living the solution to the current internal and external consequence the Mind is manifesting to the Physical-Body and the World-System of Money is manifesting to the Physical-Existence, within and as the current accepted and allowed relationship of ‘give and take’ as the ‘act of love’ as sacrifice, to show that – this ‘Love’ is not the ‘Love’ that unconditionally Gift/Give Life, but in fact manifest the relationship of ‘death and life’ as sacrifice, where one parts gives/dies for the other to take/live that’s manifested as the relationship between physicality and energy. And thus, within this: that Energy/Mind is not Life, as there is no real Life existent within this process as the ‘death’ of the physical and the finite ‘life’ of and as the Mind/Energy through the physical sacrificing itself, and so – what we’re in fact existing as within this existence is Death-itself for and as Survival, as we’re always in a constant/continuous process of ‘physically dying’ – internally and externally as the physical-body and this physical-existence for the Mind to finitely exist/survive and for the World-System of Money to survive. That – if survival exist, through the ‘death and life’ process of the physical and the Mind/World-System: Life/Living cannot exist.” Sunette Spies [*]

This is a life commitment to educate myself and other beings that are willing to be parents, to ensure no more consequence is being born , but instead LIFE is born from the physical. This will most definitely continue as we have ever rarely asked ourselves about that moment of coming into this world and our experiences stemming from that relationship that is talked out later on with our own mother/ father and ‘who we are’ within ‘their world,’ and who they are within ‘our world,’ which is the primary relationship that I see and realize is important to walk in order to remove all the basic system-conditioning that we are all subject to by virtue of coming into this world.

Life Review – Losing Sight of Lifeis an interview that ‘moved’ me in the sense of pondering what am I actually doing with my life and how this point of ‘having kids’ and being a parent within this world is often side viewed when only pursuing a ‘career’ – suggested to anyone facing that midlife crisis in life.

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world.
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