Satirical & Poetic Musings Of A Self-Proclaimed Nobel Prize Winner

Tag Archives: Oompa Loompas

Chocolate Factory City, New Jersey. An Oompa Loompa named Barton Banger claimed today to be the illegitimate son of Donald Trump. “Yep. The Donald is most definitely my Pops,” Mr. Banger said earlier. “He and my moms met during the filming of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory back in the early 70’s. Donald was eventually fired from the movie because of his freakishly tall height. The producers said he looked ridiculous next to the other Oompa Loompas during the film’s song and dance routines, so they fired him. Any-who, that’s how I came to be. He and my moms had a quick fling, he got fired, and she never saw him again. I figure it’s time now to claim my share of the Trump fortune, so I’m coming out about my true identity. Also, I’ve always wanted to live in the White House, and hopefully, when my Pops becomes President, he’ll let me move into it with him. Gotta run now, I’ve got chocolate shimmering on the stove, and I don’t want to over cook it.”

Trump City, Illinois. A group of half-sized Donald Trump clones, known scientifically as “Trump-ettes” invaded and took over a Chicago candy factory today. “We’re doing this to ensure every piece of candy made in this factory goes directly into the mouths of white children whose parents make over seven figures a year,” the Trump-ettes shouted as they bodily removed every worker from the plant. “Our Lord and Master, Herr Donald, heard that this factory was selling candy to poor, disabled, black, Mexican and Muslim kids. You can’t get more UN-American than that, so we were sent to put an end to it. God bless America; God bless freedom, and God bless our God, Donald Trump.”