Un

OR, Parasight

OR, The Undermind

The landlord and resident manager of the building. A jolly and talkative man who always wears and apron but never wears any pants. A narcoleptic. guard in a high-security prison.

Emma

Joe’s wife of twenty years or so. Blind. Quiet for the most part, but always listening. A writer and a painter.

Murphy

A tenant. A clown by profession. Never speaks, never is without his clown suit. Occasionally communicates with a small horn which he honks to indicate yes, or as a vague response. Lives alone.

Salmon

A tenant. Extremely old and semi-senile. Likes faking ailments and illnesses for pity. Lives alone.

Don

A tenant. A philosopher (empiricist) and translator. A fairly pragmatic and easy-going sort. Fairly long white beard. Relentlesslly long-winded. Lives with his identical twin brother Sancho.

Sancho

Don’s twin. Also a philosopher (idealist). Same long white beard as Don. Sleeps most of the day and meditates the rest of the time. Is rarely seen. Eyes piercing and intense, at other times vague and hazy as though nothing is behind them and staring at nothing.

Creepy

A reclusive tenant. A writer. Lives alone. Never makes a sound. No one ever sees him, or can say what he looks like or who he is. No one knows his name, and so they all call him "Creep" or "Creepy." Keeps his door locked at all times, never comes out, never answers the door (even verbally) or the phone. The only person who sees him is Murphy, who brings him things when he needs them.

Eddy

A young man. The new tenant. Lives alone.

Note: Don and Sancho are played by the same actor. The actors who play Eddy and Joe, if possible, should look as alike as possible (excepting age difference).

Scene 1

JOE and EMMA’s apartment, on the first and bottom floor of the building of which they are the landlords/caretakers.

(Note on lighting: when it is light inside, the outside cannot be seen; when it is dark inside, the outside can be seen clearly through the window; when it is dim, little can be seen inside or outside-—or everything can be seen, but hazily, indistinctly.)

ACT I

Scene 1

SETTING: Upstage center, a window, beyond which lies JOE’s garden. A desk, on which sits a small replica of the statue of liberty and above which hangs a good-sized mirror. Next to mirror, a photograph of JOE’S father, the splitting image of EDDY. (Note: if possible, EDDY and JOE should also bear a striking resemblance.) A grandfather clock. A table. A couch (JOE’S bed). Coffee table. A TV. An easel with an unfinished painting on it, facing upstage. A small desk with typewriter and paper. One door leads to the bedroom (where EMMA sleeps). Hanging in various places are some of EMMA’s paintings. One of them is a fragmented portrait painted over an old jigsaw puzzle.

AT RISE: New Year’s day. Early morning. Apartment in shambles, strewn with the remnants of the previous night’s party. JOE stands in a shirt and boxer shorts, ironing his pants while watching a soap opera. His facial expressions show that he is clearly an avid watcher and presently engrossed. Occasionally realizes he is not paying attention to the ironing and quickly lifts it from the pants and checks nervously to make sure he hasn’t burnt them.

(EMMA enters from bedroom, in robe. Heads straight for the couch, collapses on it, lies.)

JOE

Morning.

EMMA

Morning.

JOE

You’re up early.

(JOE leaves ironing, walks over to couch, sits down on EMMA’S back. EMMA moans. JOE picks up newspaper from table. Reads as he talks.)

EMMA

What time is it?

JOE

You know what today is?

(pause)

You remember who was born today?

EMMA

Don’t remind me.

(uncomfortable pause)

JOE

Happy new year!

(JOE picks up noise maker from coffee table, makes noise with it.)

EMMA (moaning, holding her head)

Again?

JOE

Yes again. What do you mean, "again"?

EMMA

Didn’t we get enough of that last night, Joe?

JOE

The first day of the rest of our lives.

(Makes noise with noise maker)

The future was born at midnight.

EMMA (wearily)

The future’s born every day, Joe.

JOE

But not like today!

(makes noise)

It’s the end of the world, as we know it.

(breathes the air deeply)

Ahh! Freedom!

(sets noise maker down, picks up paper again)

Did you make a resolution?

EMMA

Yes.

JOE

What.

EMMA

No more noise. No more parties. What about you?

JOE

Oh, nothing, really. Just: change.

(pause)

What a circus. I’m glad we decided on the costume party.

EMMA

You should clean this place up.

JOE

What do you care?

EMMA

You’re right. No one cares.

(reading something)

Good God! It makes me sick.

EMMA

What.

JOE

How can anyone do something like that?

EMMA

What, Joe.

JOE

What a planet.

(pause)

EMMA

So who was here, anyway? I don’t even remember who was here.

JOE

No? Everyone. Everyone was here. Just being themselves, smashed out of their minds, no one knows who anyone is. I could hardly see myself. I kept saying, Who are you supposed to be?, to everyone I saw.

EMMA

What a nightmare.

JOE

Ya know, people really become themselves, I think, only in a state like that.

EMMA

Who are they today then.

JOE

I think because it helps you to forget. Or to remember. Or both.

(pause)

Yup. It’s a new day. Time’s ripe for change.

EMMA

So put on some pants. For a change.

JOE

How do you know I’m not wearing pants?

EMMA

Do you ever?

JOE

Sure. Sure I do.

(pause)

Sometimes. When I work in the garden, for example. Can’t walk around naked in the garden. Well, I guess I could. No one can see me. Not through that fence.

EMMA

They could see you through the window.

JOE

What do you mean? Who’s going to be in my garden? No one. No one but me.

(pause)

Anyway you’re the one who wears the pants in this house.

EMMA (rubbing her temples)

Not today. Not anymore.

JOE

You got a headache? Shouldn’t have overdone it.

EMMA

You were the one who kept filling my glass.

JOE

Who, me? That’s a vicious lie. I wasn’t even there. Must have been someone else.

EMMA

When I said, No, I’ve had enough.

JOE

Ah, but see the fact that you kept drinking when I poured it means you hadn’t had enough. Had you. You can have much too much and it’s still never enough.

EMMA

I didn’t think I’d wake up today. I didn’t think I’d ever wake up again. I thought the Apocalypse must have come.

JOE

It did. It came, and it went. You just didn’t notice.

EMMA

So where does that leave me?

JOE

You better take something. It’s gonna be one hell of a day.

EMMA

Don’t remind me. Please, Joe.

JOE

The first of the month. God I dread this day. It’s gonna be a messy eternity.

EMMA

How many checks have you gotten?

JOE

Two.

EMMA

Ach.

JOE

The usual two. The schizophrenic and the sociopath. Sometimes I think they’re both sociopaths.

EMMA

Don’t say that.

JOE

Which means it’s story time. It is kind of interesting, though, seeing what they come up with.

EMMA

You always assume everyone’s lying.

JOE

Well, come on now. Last month Salmon tells me, "I tripped on the cat. I fell down a flight of stairs—-four flights," he says. The building’s only got three floors.

EMMA

Five.

JOE

Four.

EMMA

Five.

JOE

Well, unless you count the basement. But the only way into the basement is through the trap door out back. And we both know there’s no cat, there never was. They’re not even allowed. That goddam cane, he wouldn’t need that cane if he was crippled.

EMMA

What do you want, a note from his doctor?

JOE

And even if he did fall, it’s cause he was drunk out of his mind.

EMMA

He doesn’t drink.

JOE

Like hell.

EMMA

Murphy’s the one who drinks.

JOE

Everybody drinks, Emma. Even the philosophers drink.

EMMA

They’re unhappy, Joe.

(scoffing)

“Unhappy.” How can they be unhappy? They’re clones! They live with themselves! What could be easier than living with yourself for chrissake?

EMMA

I don’t know. Not living with yourself?

JOE

Unhappy! How can they be unhappy? This is America! You can do anything you want! Be anything you want! How can anyone be unhappy in America? You should be happy from the second you’re born, in America.

(suddenly falls asleep, head falls)

EMMA

Poor Murphy.

(pause)

That poor guy.

(pause)

Joe?

(pause)

Joe, have you fallen asleep?

(suddenly awakens)

What? Emma?

EMMA

Yes. It’s me.

JOE

Oh. Good. What did you say?

EMMA

I was saying, That poor guy.

JOE

Who?

EMMA

Murphy.

JOE

Oh, Murphy. Ya, "that poor guy." He better get richer quick if he plans to stay where he’s at much longer.

EMMA

That’s not what I meant.

JOE

How poor can a guy be who buys a liter of whisky a day?

EMMA

Put yourself in his shoes, Joe.

JOE

What "shoes"? The guy’s brain dead.

EMMA

He is not!

JOE

He can’t even speak.

EMMA

Just because he doesn’t doesn’t mean he can’t. You don’t know what goes through a person’s mind.

JOE

Exactly my point. Anyway nobody knows anything about him. How can I "put myself in his shoes"? I think the son of a bitch is a homo, besides.

EMMA

Well if he is, that’s my point. How can he be happy?

JOE

Homos make me sick.

EMMA

Maybe they make themselves sick, too, Joe.

JOE

Of course they do. They have to. They’re homos, for chrissake.

EMMA

You can be a real bastard, you know that?

JOE

No. I can’t be.

(indicating photograph on wall)

That’s my father. Now there was a man for you.

EMMA

He’s unhappy, Joe, that’s all I’m saying.

JOE

How can he be unhappy? He’s dead.

(pause)

He can’t be anything.

(suddenly falls asleep)

EMMA

I mean Murphy. Joe.

(pause)

He’s depressed.

(pause)

Joe.

(pause)

Joe?

(pause)

Joe!

(JOE wakes)

(confused)

What, who?

EMMA

Did you just fall asleep again?

JOE

Never. Never in my life. I wouldn’t dream of it. Now what are you talking about.

EMMA

Have you been sleeping?

JOE

Of course. What do you think I do all night, aerobics?

EMMA

That couch is the problem. You can’t–

JOE

I sleep like a dead baby, Emma. Now listen: who are you calling depressed, anyway?

EMMA

Murphy, Joe, Murphy!

JOE

Oh. What about him?

EMMA

He’s depressed.

JOE

Nobody’s questioning that.

EMMA

He’s lonely.

JOE

Why doesn’t he get a pet?

EMMA

We don’t allow them, remember?

JOE

He could get a bird, we allow birds. If they’re quiet. He

JOE (cont.)

could have a parrot. And all day long listen to it repeat, Woe is me, Woe is me, Woe is me.

EMMA

You’re too hard on them.

JOE

Well somebody’s got to be.

(suddenly falls asleep, head falls)

EMMA

Put yourself in their shoes.

(pause)

Joe.

(pause)

I mean, you only look at things through your eyes.

(pause)

Joe?

(pause)

Joe, are you asleep?

(pause. doorbell: plays the first six notes of the national anthem.)

(sighs)

It begins.

(goes to door, opens. MURPHY is there, wearing clown suit.)

Speak of the devil.

EMMA

Murphy?

(she rises, goes to door to greet him.)

JOE

You’re up early. It’s not even two yet. My God, man, do you sleep in that suit?

Ah! So you do understand me! I’m glad we could have this little talk, Murphy.

(pause)

JOE (cont.)

Well anyway. You came to say you don’t have the rent and I understand. But let me just suggest this, Murphy: clean up your act.

(pause. MURPHY stares at shoes.)

Look at me, Murphy.

(MURPHY stares at shoes.)

All right, honk then. Honk if you’re with me, Murphy.

(MURPHY stares at him.)

You really are one ineffectual bastard, you know that Murphy? Sure you do. How could you not know it? But you don’t know you know it. And that’s the only reason I’m telling you this, Murphy, just so you know. I’m trying to tell you what you don’t know you know. But I think you know that you don’t know you know it. And that’s something. That’s a start.

(pause)

Just honk, would you, Murphy? For me?

(pause. MURPHY honks.)

Fine. That’s all. Anything else?

(MURPHY shrugs, nods, and shakes head at the same time. [It should resemble a small fit or seizure.])

Well all right then. Have a good one, Murphy. End of the week, remember.

(EMMA leads MURPHY to door.)

EMMA

Stop by and see us any time, Murphy. We’re always happy to have you.

JOE

Sure, sure. We’re always happy. Always.

(MURPHY stands in doorway facing them, just as when he first arrived.)

You sure you won’t let me iron your pants? Or your mask? Ha!

(MURPHY shakes head.)

I know it’s not a mask, Murphy. Learn to take a joke, eh? I’m not gonna pull your face off and flatten it. You know what your trouble is, Murphy? Your trouble is, you think too damn much. You let things get under your skin. You take things too seriously. Maybe you need a hobby. Something to occupy your mind. Do you still have those ventriloquist dummies I’ve heard so much about?

EMMA

You should get a parrot, Murphy!

(pause. JOE and MURPHY stare at her.)

JOE

Well, so long, Murphy.

(pause. MURPHY does not move. Stares. They wave at him. He does not move. EMMA goes and sits. JOE finally shuts door, stands, hand still on knob.)

EMMA

Poor Murphy. What a sad and lonely life.

(JOE silently opens the door again. MURPHY has not moved. They stare at one another.)

Sometimes I worry that he might really be at the end of his rope. The end of the line. At his wit’s end. Off the deep end without a paddle. A drowning man with no scubba gear.

(JOE silently shuts door, stands facing it. Pause.)

So when is he coming? The young man.

JOE

Oh, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . . One.

EMMA

What time is it?

(looks at watch)

He’s late.

EMMA

What time is it?

JOE

One O three.

EMMA

You think he’ll come?

JOE

I don’t know what’s so hard about being on time. He’s off to a bad start, I’ll tell you that. Might be better now if he didn’t come.

(doorbell)

EMMA

That must be him.

JOE

That must be him now.

(opens door. EDDY nods.)

You must be him.

EDDY

Yes, I guess I must be. I mean I guess that’s me.

JOE

(looks at watch. Smiles broadly.)

Come in. Edward, isn’t it?

EDDY

Yes. Call me Eddy.

JOE

All right. Eddy it is.

(leads EDDY to table)

The papers are all ready.

EDDY

All right.

JOE

But first I’d just like to just ask you a few things. Just . . . you know.

EDDY

Oh. All right.

JOE

Don’t look so nervous, it’s not a cross-examination, just . . . you know. I like to get to know my tenants.

EDDY

Fine.

JOE

Now. Where do you come from.

EDDY

Originally?

JOE

Sure, originally.

EDDY

I’m not sure.

(pause)

JOE

Oh. Well. Where do you live now?

EDDY

Now?

JOE

Yes?

EDDY

Nowhere, I guess. I mean, here, I hope.

JOE

Ah hah, yes, yes, but—previously. Where have you been living. Or, let me put it this way: where do you call home?

(a pause)

EDDY

Massachusettes.

JOE

Massachusettes! Well well. What part?

EDDY

Oh, sort of in the . . . middle. I guess.

JOE

That’s quite a trip. Quite a change.

EDDY

Yes, I suppose it will be.

JOE

And what brought you here? And don’t say a bus, I’m on to you!

EDDY

I can’t say, really.

JOE

Oh? Well, that’s all right. That’s just O.K. Like I said, this isn’t meant to be—

EDDY

I mean—I don’t mean I don’t want to tell you. I mean I can’t. I mean I would tell you. If I knew myself.

(pause)

JOE

I see.

(pause)

Are you . . . working?

EDDY

Not exactly.

JOE

Not exactly.

EDDY

I mean I hope to. Soon. But . . .

JOE

Well I’m sure you’ll find something in no time at all, keep you occupied.

EDDY

It’s not so much a matter of finding something. I mean I know what I want to be—I mean, to do. I just . . . need to find people who will pay me to do it.

(nervous)

Hm, right, right. Interesting.

(pause)

Do you want to . . . You don’t have to, now, I’m only asking, you understand, only asking, but . . .

EDDY

Sir?

JOE

Well, I mean . . . What you want to do, is it . . . ?

EDDY

Oh, well, I make things.

JOE

Things?

EDDY

Yes. Out of wood.

(strangely relieved)

Ah hah! A carpenter!

EDDY

I guess that’s what I am.

(laughs hugely)

Well, that’s . . .

EDDY

I know it’s not much of a—

JOE

No, no, fine, fine! My father was a carpenter, once upon a time.

EDDY

I just like doing it.

JOE

It’s a fine trade. You know Jesus was—

EDDY

Yes, so I’ve heard.

JOE

It’s a fact. It’s in the Encyclopedia. Yes, well, I’m sure you’ll find yourself right at home here. There are some—well, some—how do I put it?

(to EMMA)

How shall I put it, Emma?

EMMA

What?

JOE

The people here.

EMMA

What about them?

(to EDDY)

Well, it’s an interesting bunch. One fellow for example—just to let you know, you know, so there are no surprises—he’s . . . a creepy one. He doesn’t make a sound. Never leaves. You can stand at the door till you’re blue in the feet, and you probably won’t hear a solitary sound. I mean he moves around every so often, I suppose. Uses the toilet, makes some coffee, whathaveyou. I mean he must. But I swear, you’d swear the place was vacant. And he won’t answer the door, or the phone, so you’d never believe anyone was living there. I’m probably one of very few people who’ve ever even heard him speak. Did you ever hear him speak, Emma?

EMMA

I don’t know.

JOE

Well anyway that was years ago, when he moved in. I’ve never spoken to him since. He has someone bring him things, groceries and cigarettes and books and whathaveyou, and this chap—there’s another one for you, he was just here. He’s a clown, and he’s always—well he’s a long story. Or a very short one in a foreign language, ya know? He was married once. To an escape artist. She’s the one who–Well, anyway, he brings the check for this creepy guy every month. Murphy’s the name.

EMMA

Don’t call him that.

JOE

What? Murphy?

EMMA

You know who I mean.

JOE

Why not? Everyone calls him that. That’s what he’s called. I mean not to his face. But then again no one ever sees his face. Come to think of it, I can’t for the life of me remember what in hell he looks like. I have absolutely no idea. Wow. Remarkable. I don’t think I’d recognize him if I saw him.

EDDY

Huh.

JOE

But somehow he’s always on time with the rent. I don’t know how he does it. I mean, he’s a writer. I’ve never read anything he’s written, but he must—

(doorbell)

Oh Jesus. Here we go.

(laughs)

Excuse me, it’s a busy place on the first of the month, you know? Why don’t you sit down there and look over that lease and see if you have any questions. It’s all pretty straight forward. Certain amount of mumbo jumbo, you know, technicalities and all that, but—

EMMA

Are you going to answer it?

JOE

Yes yes, I’m going.

(to EDDY)

Just read it over, eh? You don’t have to scrutinize it, there’s nothing unusual, no surprises I’m sure you’ll find. Just an ordinary contract. Just a plain old—

EMMA

Joe!

JOE

I’m going, I’m going!

EMMA

They’ll go away in a second.

JOE

Nonsense.

EMMA

They’ll think you’re not here.

JOE

Of course I’m here. Where would I be, if not here? Nowhere. I’ve always been here and I’ll always be here. Or else in the garden.

EMMA

Joe, answer it!

(to EDDY)

Just read it anyway.

EDDY

All right.

(muttering)

I’m not the only one with legs around here for chrissake.

(opens door. SALMON immediately enters, in wheelchair.)

(sarcastically)

Salmon! What a nice sur—

SALMON (toothless, mumbling)

Have you seen my teeth?

JOE

Your teeth?

SALMON

I can’t find them.

JOE

They’re not in your mouth?

SALMON

Don’t be an ass. I think I might have left them here.

JOE

Is that a fact.

SALMON

No, it’s what I think.

(pause)

Well, don’t just stand there!

JOE

Shall I dance?

(dances)

SALMON

Are you going to look for em or am I gonna have to get a search party?

JOE

(slowly circling SALMON’S chair)

What’s with the chair, there, Salmon old boy? Gotten lazy?

SALMON

My goddam legs don’t work.

JOE

Is that right. Broken, are they?

SALMON

Well, they don’t work. What would you call them? Goddam things might as well be in a museum for all the good they do me. Look around, can’t you? They’ve gotta be here somewhere.

(pointing to SALMON’S legs)

Aren’t those them there?

SALMON

Listen, funny man, they’ve gotta be here somewhere. And I’m not leavin till I find em. I need them to eat. Haven’t eaten in three days ya know.

Well there’s a lotta things you ain’t seen. I haven’t seen you look, have you?

JOE

Well let’s look then, shall we?

SALMON

What did I just say? First idea you’ve had all day that didn’t come out your arse.

JOE

(remains where he is and glances around the room)

I don’t see them.

SALMON

You call that looking? I don’t call that looking.

JOE

What would you call it?

SALMON

That don’t look like looking to me! I’ve seen looking in my day, and that ain’t what it looks like.

JOE

No?

SALMON

Look over there! Under there!

JOE

What would they be doing under there, Salmon?

SALMON

How the hell should I know? I’m not teeth! How do I know what teeth do? When I’m not looking.

JOE

Hmmmmm. Now if I were teeth, where would I be . . .

SALMON

That don’t get you nowhere! Look! You gotta look!

JOE

I’ve got it! In a mouth!

SALMON

You’re really a mudhead, ya know that?

JOE

(smiles frozenly. suddenly begins searching desperately and frantically, as though his life depended on it. During this, SALMON follows him around in the chair, badgering him. Their lines are simultaneous.)

JOE

Teeth! Teeth? Teethies! Where are you, teethies? I know you’re in here. You can’t hide from me. You can’t hide from old Joe. Not forever. You can run but you can’t hide. Come out, come out, wherever you are. You’re in for a sound thrashing when I find you, teeth, I hope you know that. You won’t be able to sit for a week. You won’t be able to walk. Where are they. Oh God. Oh God, where are they?! Where can they be? Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit!

SALMON

Look in there. Behind you. Behind that thing. Try under there. You haven’t looked there. Have you checked over there? You’re not even looking! I don’t see how you can find anything in a place like this. You ought to be ashamed, hiding a poor old man’s poor old teeth. That’s kidnapping. That’s abuse. That’s highway robbery! That’s grand larceny. That’s a federal offense, that is. You should be locked away in a room somewhere and throw away the key. If you’re going to hide something at least remember where you hid it. They’re not here. They have to be here. You didn’t sell them did you? You did! Did you pawn them? That’s plain moronic. Who’d want my teeth? I’m the only one who’d buy my own teeth. And I already own them! You’re a miserable criminal.

JOE

Look. Salmon. We’ve looked everywhere.

SALMON

If you’d looked everywhere you’d of found them. Because I know they’re somewhere. Everything’s somewhere.

JOE

I’m not arguing with you.

SALMON

Oh yes you are.

JOE

I’m not, Salmon.

SALMON

Like hell you’re not! You are too! Don’t tell me who’s arguing!

JOE

It’s not me.

SALMON

Yes!

JOE

Nope.

SALMON

It’s you!! You!!

JOE

You’re wrong.

SALMON

I am not wrong! You’rewrong! You’re the one who’s wrong!

(silence)

(to EDDY)

Finished?

SALMON

I haven’t started yet! You haven’t seen me finish!

JOE

I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to him.

SALMON

Who in hell’s kitchen is he? What’s he got to do with it?

JOE

Any questions?

SALMON

Yes! What have you done with my teeeeeeth!

(he twitches in fury)

EDDY

No, I guess not.

JOE

Fine. Then just put your John Hancock here, and here.

(EDDY signs)

SALMON

You should be locked up! You should all be beaten and locked up! Everyone! See how you like it!

Nothing wrong with money. Nothing wrong with cold hard cash. That’s how it ought to be.

(EDDY counts the money, hands it to him.)

All righty. Well, let me get you the key.

(goes to desk drawer, rummages)

Hmh.

(pause. Ponders. Rummages.)

It’s not there.

EDDY

Still?

JOE

Hmh.

(pause)

Well, I’ll tell you what. The apartment’s open. You can move in now if you don’t mind the door being unlocked while you’re not there. Then, when I find it, I’ll give it to you. How’s that sound.

EDDY

All right. I guess.

JOE

Don’t worry, son. Seriously. This is a good neighborhood. A good town. You don’t have to worry. We never lock our door, as a matter of fact. Do we Emma?

EMMA

No.

EDDY

Really?

JOE

Never have. Nobody does. Except maybe Creepy.

EDDY

Hmh.

JOE

O.K.?

EDDY

All right.

JOE

I mean a man needs his privacy. A man needs a place where he can be alone, without being disturbed. Without worrying. Where he can be himself. But before you know it, you’ll be right at home, and you’ll wonder why you ever worried. You worry about stuff like that, and pretty soon you never leave cause you’re afraid someone will get in.

EDDY (stands)

Well I guess I’ll start moving in.

JOE

That’d be the thing to do.

(laughs hugely. Shakes EDDY’S hand.)

I really think you’ll be right at home. You seem like a fine lad. I feel like we’re old friends.

EDDY

You do?

JOE

Sure I do. Don’t you?

EDDY

Well, maybe we will be.

JOE

May be. Maybe we were, in a past life or something. You never know. I’ve barely met you, and already you’re like a brother to me. Or a son.

People who know their place, their lot in life. And don’t bother denying it. It’ll be a nice change. Someone like that here. Just a nice, normal, everyday, innocent kid. With his whole future ahead of him. And his whole past behind him.

(pause)

What are you writing?

EMMA

Oh, nothing.

JOE

Can I read it?

EMMA

I told you, it’s nothing.

JOE

Well, if it’s nothing, then why can’t I read it?

EMMA

Why would you want to read it, if it’s nothing?

JOE

Let me read it.

EMMA

Not now.

JOE

Why not?

EMMA

It’s not finished.

JOE

You just said it was nothing. How can it not be finished?

EMMA

That’s why it’s not finished. When it’s finished, then it’ll be something.

JOE

How can you finish nothing?

EMMA

I don’t know.

JOE

You’re a mystery to me, Emma. You know, I’ve always wondered—

(doorbell)

Christ, already?

(goes to door. Before he gets there it opens and SALMON comes wheeling in.)

Salmon, don’t you knock?

SALMON

Why should I knock?

JOE

Why shouldn’t you knock?

SALMON

Because. There’s a doorbell. Besides. I did knock.

JOE

(looking closely at SALMON’S mouth)

Your teeth.

SALMON

No thanks to you.

JOE

They weren’t here after all. I can’t believe it.

SALMON

Face it. You couldn’t find them if they came up behind you and sat on you and bit you in the nose.

Shall I tell you what I think? I think, that if the person was a really good actor, and really dedicated, that he wouldn’t do a blessed thing. Just lie there. As though helpless. Until someone came along. And helped . . . him . . . up.

(she pushes the chair, runs him into the wall, he moans, then into the door, he moans again. She pushes him out, leaving door open. Silence.)

(A knock. Eddy peeps his head in. Rings the bell. Slowly enters.)

EDDY

Hello?

(pause. Walks slowly through the place, looking for someone)

Is anyone here?

(comes back in the living room. steps on SALMON’S teeth. Picks them up, studies them. Sets them on the table. Stares at them. Wipes his hand off on his pants. Looks at floor where teeth had been, looks around. Picks up teeth and puts them back on the floor. Looks around. Leaves hurriedly.)

(SANCHO comes in slowly through door, sleepwalking. At first no one notices, then JOE sees him, is startled.)

JOE

Sancho. Or is it Don? Which one are you?

SANCHO

(speaks in a strange voice, as one not aware he is speaking, of who is speaking, nor of who he is speaking to.)

I’m me.

JOE

Sancho?

(pause)

Or are you your brother?

SANCHO

I’m me. He’s my brother.

(pause)

JOE

Well put some pants on, for Chrissake. Good God, it’s the middle of the day.

(checks watch)

It’s beyond the middle! It’ll be the end before you know it.

SANCHO

Know what?

JOE

Nothing.

(pause. JOE suddenly falls asleep.)

SANCHO

(looking at window)

Who’s he?

(wakes)

Hungry? You feel like an egg or two, Sancho?

SANCHO

Who is he?

JOE

(looking. There is no one there.)

Who’s who?

SANCHO

Him. That man. Looking in the window.

JOE

There’s no one, Sancho.

SANCHO

You don’t see him?

JOE

Who, Sancho?

SANCHO

Him. He’s right there.

JOE

He’s not. No one’s there, Sancho.

SANCHO

It must be Joe. Out in the garden.

(pause)

JOE

Go back to bed, Sancho. Go to sleep.

SANCHO

O.K.

(leaves, still in trance)

JOE

What was that all about?

EMMA

I don’t know.

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)

ACT I

Scene 2

AT RISE: Night. Two or three months later. The place still in shambles as though it were the night after the New Year’s party. EMMA sits painting and listening to a soap opera. JOE sits reading paper and smoking pipe, occasionally distracted by the soap opera, watching it.

(half to self)

God almighty. Would you believe that?

(pause. As before)

The world’s going to hell in a hand basket, I swear to God, I Swear To God.

(pause. Emits gasp of disgust)

That’s not even–! Her own child?! I swear, if I didn’t read it, I’d never believe it happened. I don’t know how anyone can read this stuff all day every day. This is an old paper. This is the New Year’s paper. And it still makes me sick.

(pause. Thrusts paper down in disgust. watching TV:)

What’s going on?

EMMA

I heard that.

JOE

What.

EMMA

Don’t just throw that down. The place is bad off enough as it is.

JOE

Well what should I do with it? I’m not throwing it.

EMMA

Why not?

JOE

Because. I might read it again someday.

EMMA

Well put it in the drawer then.

(he does)

JOE

What are you watching?

EMMA

That show.

JOE

Which one?

EMMA

You know. That one. The crazy one.

JOE

With the crazy lady?

EMMA

She’s not crazy.

JOE

"Dead of Night."

EMMA

That’s the one.

JOE

That’s a good one. Dark, but good.

(pause. Checks watch)

You’re watching it now? How can you be watching it now?

EMMA

It’s on a tape. You taped it.

JOE

Well I’ll be damned. But you’ve seen it, haven’t you? Didn’t you watch it earlier today?

EMMA

Yes, but I’m watching it again.

JOE

Why?

EMMA

Because. It’s more interesting the second time.

JOE

But you already know what happens.

EMMA

I know. But you see things you didn’t see before.

JOE

I’ll say it again, Emma: You’re a mystery to me.

EMMA

Tell me what’s happening.

JOE

You know what’s happening.

EMMA

I know, but I get confused. About who’s who and what’s what and when what happened and how and why and—

JOE

All right, all right.

EMMA

What’s going on?

JOE

Well that’s just a little bit complicated, Emma.

EMMA

Tell me. Who’s that?

JOE

Who’s who?

EMMA

The one talking.

JOE

That’s her.

EMMA

That’s who.

JOE

The lunatic.

EMMA

She is not.

JOE

She is.

EMMA

She doesn’t sound like one.

JOE

What’s a lunatic supposed to sound like?

EMMA

She sounds normal. I think you’ve got her mixed up with someone else.

JOE

Well if you know so much what do you need me for?

EMMA

All right, tell me.

JOE

Tell you what.

EMMA

What she’s talking about.

JOE

(watches T.V. for a few seconds)

Aaaaaah. Oh hoh. You know, I haven’t even watched this one.

EMMA

You haven’t?

JOE

No.

EMMA

Well you’re no help.

JOE

But I know what’s going on. Just because I haven’t seen it doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on.

EMMA

Then tell me!

JOE

O.K., hold your horses now.

(pause. He watches.)

MMMM. Interesting.

EMMA

What?

(all the following should be fast-paced, except where pauses are indicated; JOE gets very excited)

JOE

She’s burning the photos.

EMMA

What photos?

JOE

Of her past.

EMMA

She is?

JOE

Yup. She’s going through all the old albums and burning everything.

EMMA

Why?

(pause)

JOE

I’m not sure.

(pause)

EMMA

Well what do you think?

JOE

Well. After the accident, she couldn’t remember anything, right?

EMMA

What accident?

JOE

I don’t know, the accident. No one’s even sure there really was an accident. It doesn’t matter. You see?

EMMA

It doesn’t?

JOE

No. What matters, is that some people suspect she’s just pretending not to remember.

EMMA

Why?

(pause)

JOE

I’m not sure.

EMMA

What do you think?

JOE

Well, you see, I think, that she’s the one who killed Eddy.

EMMA

Who’s Eddy?

JOE

What?

EMMA

Who’s Eddy? I don’t remember Eddy.

JOE

I don’t know, who is Eddy? I give up.

EMMA

You said Eddy.

JOE

Did I?

EMMA

Yes.

JOE

Well huh. No. David. Eddy’s . . . somebody else.

EMMA

Who?

JOE

I don’t remember.

(pause)

EMMA

So who’s David then?

JOE

David, that’s her son.

EMMA

Oh.

JOE

Some people suspect her. And so if she can’t remember anything . . .

EMMA

But it doesn’t matter. She still did it.

JOE

How do you know?

EMMA

I’m saying, if she did it, she did it. It doesn’t matter if she remembers.

JOE

Of course it matters.

EMMA

I mean if they find out.

JOE

Well, it does though. Because then the question is, if she has amnesia, and can’t remember anything, is she really the same person. You see.

EMMA

Hmm.

JOE

I say no. And if she’s not, then is she really guilty. And what good does it do to punish her. Or hold her accountable.

EMMA

Interesting.

JOE

But this part is strange.

EMMA

What part?

JOE

Burning those photos. Because, see, everyone’s trying to turn her back into her old self. Help her remember. Show her pictures, tell her stories of the past, in hopes of rekindling something.

EMMA

Right.

JOE

So burning them is irrational.

EMMA

Is it?

JOE

Sure. Why would she do it?

EMMA

To destroy the past.

JOE

Yes, but all she has to do is deny, you see? Look at the pictures and say, nope, not a thing, I don’t remember that at all, I don’t know these people, I don’t remember being there. Now, I think everyone will know.

EMMA

That she’s pretending?

JOE

Of course.

EMMA

Mm.

JOE

Because why do it if they don’t mean anything to her? Why would you destroy something if it’s nothing to you, unless it’s a part of you? You see?

EMMA

Right.

JOE

So what it might be, she’s trying really to forget. To become what she’s right now only pretending to be. So there’s no possibility of slipping. Or maybe it’s plain old guilt.

EMMA

Hmm?

JOE

Well, if she really did it, and has a conscience, then she really wants to forget. To forget everything. The child. Who she is. Or used to be. Everything. And then she won’t be guilty.

EMMA

But she will, though.

JOE

No. If she is, she won’t know it. What good is guilt if you don’t feel guilty?

EMMA

Why did she do it? Do you think.

JOE

Do what.

EMMA

Kill her baby.

JOE

Baby? What baby?

EMMA

You said she killed her baby.

JOE

I never. You made that up.

EMMA

No, that’s what you said.

JOE

No. You’re mistaken. See? You never listen.

EMMA

So who’d she kill then?

JOE

Her son. But he was forty eight.

(pause)

EMMA

Oh.

(pause)

Well anyway. Why’d she do it?

JOE

I don’t know. She’s crazy.

EMMA

She is not.

JOE

She is.

EMMA

Well why would you do it?

JOE

Why would I?

EMMA

Yes.

JOE

I wouldn’t.

EMMA

That’s no answer.

JOE

It is. I would not do it.

EMMA

But you can’t think that way, or you’ll never understand her at all. You have to understand where people are coming from.

JOE

Where? You tell me. It’s just a T.V. show. She’s not real, you know.

EMMA

I think I know why.

(silence)

JOE

Oh? Why.

(pause)

EMMA

I’m not telling.

JOE

Tell me, smartass.

EMMA

Nope. You’ll have to put yourself in her shoes and figure it out for yourself.

JOE

You’re so damned clever. But you know what else? There’s a kink.

EMMA

A what?

JOE

A kink. See, her father’s on his death bed.

EMMA

He is?

JOE

Yes he is. And she’s the only heir. Now I think she plans to kill him.

EMMA

No.

JOE

Oh yes.

EMMA

Why? Because she’s "crazy"?

JOE

No, because she’s greedy. But see, if she’s not who she was, then she’s not really his daughter.

EMMA

Aaah.

JOE

And so she’s stuck.

EMMA

Unless no one finds out.

JOE

But get this: the father’s been going senile for the past year. He doesn’t even recognize her. He doesn’t even recognize himself. He doesn’t even know who he is anymore, and so he sure as hell can’t know who she is or anybody else.

EMMA

Interesting.

JOE

So will he leave her the estate? And, oh, also: no one but him and his lawyer have any idea if he has anything left. The “Estate” is nothing but a deserted old run-down castle. No one would live there, it’s like a damned tomb. It might be all for nothing.

EMMA

Well then she wouldn’t kill him.

JOE

Well, I’m not sure she’s thought all this through.

EMMA

So the mother’s dead?

JOE

Yup. An apparent suicide. But foul play has not been ruled out.

EMMA

Oh, Christ.

JOE

And, oh, aaaand, listen to this: for a while, the father thought she was the mother.

EMMA

Who, the daughter?

JOE

Yup.

EMMA

The father thought the daughter was the mother?

JOE

The wife, yes. And so maybe everything goes to his wife, you see.

EMMA

But she’s dead.

JOE

Exactly.

EMMA

So , then, what, everything would go to the daughter, you’re saying?

JOE

Could be. Ironic, eh?

EMMA

No, but—she’s not his wife.

JOE

But he thinks she is.

EMMA

But she knows she’s not.

JOE

Who knows? She doesn’t know anything, maybe. She doesn’t know who in hell she is.

EMMA

Or so she says.

JOE

Exactly.

EMMA

But do you think that’s right?

(pause)

JOE

What.

EMMA

That she gets the money, just because he thinks she’s someone she’s not.

JOE

I don’t know. His dying wish. He dies thinking he left it to his wife.

EMMA

Mm.

JOE

But then too, he dies thinking he won’t see her again. Until she dies. In a better place, I mean. Because she’s not dead.

EMMA

But she is.

JOE

But not for him.

EMMA

Right.

JOE

So maybe he wants to live, for her.

EMMA

But he doesn’t still think that she’s her.

JOE

No, right, I don’t believe so.

EMMA

Who is she to him?

JOE

No one. No one’s anyone at all to him now.

(pause)

EMMA

(turns off tape)

You watch too much of that stuff.

JOE

It’s funny. That’s only a tiny little part of it, you see. That’s only one character, Emma. There’s about thirty more.

EMMA

Is everyone so complicated?

JOE

Just about.

EMMA

Good God. How do you keep it all straight?

JOE

I’m a genius.

EMMA

Do you ever get the shows mixed up?

JOE

Only once. When an actor from one show quit. And they replaced her with another actor, you know, and just pretended like nothing happened?

EMMA

Right.

JOE

I mean, sometimes they’ll kill the character or have them disappear mysteriously or something. It’s cleaner. But this time they just pretended not to notice. You believe that? And I couldn’t stand it. I’m like—-you know, shouting at the screen–: "It’s not him! It’s not the same person! How can you not see that? It’s ridiculous!" I just could not see that character anymore.

EMMA

You’re insane.

JOE

And then the first actor went on a different show, only I kept seeing the old character.

You’re asking me would I notice if you had Charlotte’s body. I’d notice when you wouldn’t come out of the bathroom.

JOE

Anybody’s. A man’s.

EMMA

Absolutely.

JOE

Yes? What about a different mind?

EMMA

In the same body?

JOE

In my own body.

EMMA

I’d just quiz you on soap operas. To see if you were really you.

JOE

Ah, but what if I had amnesia?

EMMA

Then you’d be no one.

JOE

But I’d still be your husband. Unless I had a woman’s brain. Then I’d probably divorce you.

EMMA

But you’d still have a man’s parts. A man’s "urges."

JOE

You think so?

EMMA

I don’t know.

JOE

What if I had a lesbian’s brain?

EMMA

And I had a gay man’s?

JOE

And we both had sex change operations?

EMMA

Then we’d be perfect for each other.

JOE

I think we’d stay together.

(silence. JOE goes to window, tries to see out.)

JOE

You know, I feel like we’re being watched.

EMMA

What? You’re paranoid, Joe.

JOE

If no one’s out there, then I’m paranoid.

EMMA

There’s no one.

JOE

How do you know?

EMMA

Well go look then.

JOE

I’m looking.

EMMA

And?

JOE

And nothing.

EMMA

You see anyone?

JOE

No. Nothing.

EMMA

You can’t see anything.

JOE

Yes.

EMMA

What.

JOE

Darkness.

EMMA

Well tell it to go away.

JOE

Go switch the light off.

EMMA

Me? Why?

JOE

Just do it.

(she does. The outside can be seen. There is no one.)

I know there’s someone out there.

EMMA

Joe, you’re not yourself lately.

JOE

I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I can’t sleep when I’m being watched.

EMMA

Joe, you’re not being watched.

(angry)

Well I can’t sleep when I think I’m being watched, all right?

EMMA (taunting, sing-songy)

I can seeeee yoooouu.

JOE

Stop it.

EMMA

It’s dark, dear. Isn’t it?

JOE

Yes.

EMMA

So what could he see?

JOE

Who? What could who see? What do you know about this?

EMMA

Nothing, Joe. Dear, it’s dark. There’s no one.

JOE

(staring out window)

Maybe.

(pause)

You’re right. I’m not myself tonight.

(suddenly JOE falls asleep, where he is standing. Head falls. Silence.)

EMMA

Joe, I’m going to bed.

(pause)

O.K.?

(pause)

Joe? Joe, did you fall asleep?

(pause. Suddenly EDDY appears in window from below; JOE immediately wakes, screams, leaps back; as quickly as he appeared EDDY vanishes. JOE braces himself with his back against the wall next to window, breathing hard.)

I mean what do you know about him? What do you reeeally know about him?

EMMA

I don’t know. He’s a carpenter. He seems nice.

(goes to her, takes her brushes, puts them in jar)

Let’s go to sleep.

(takes her hand, leads her into bedroom)

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)

ACT I

Scene 3

AT RISE: JOE is offstage in kitchen, cooking eggs. EDDY stands looking at one of EMMA’S paintings that hangs on wall. EMMA stands near him.

EDDY

When did you paint this one?

EMMA

Oh, long ago. Just after we were married.

EDDY

What’s it called?

EMMA

That one’s called, "The Orphan and His Shadow."

EDDY

Hmh. What’s it about? I mean, what’s it mean?

EMMA

I don’t know. Nothing.

EDDY

It’s interesting, though.

EMMA

Thank you.

EDDY

(goes over to picture, hanging on wall next to mirror. Stares at it, bewildered.)

Where did this come from?

EMMA

What.

EDDY

This man. This picture. Over here, on the wall. This photograph.

EMMA (moving next to him)

Oh that. I don’t know. I don’t know who took that.

EDDY

But who is it?

EMMA

That is Joe’S father.

EDDY

It is?

EMMA

Yes it is.

EDDY

Are you sure?

EMMA

Well sure I’m sure. Unless it’s changed since last I saw it.

(laughs)

EDDY

He looks so familiar.

EMMA

Maybe you met him in a past life.

EDDY

I think . . . I’d like to meet him.

EMMA

I’m afraid not.

EDDY

Why not?

EMMA

He’s dead.

EDDY

(unbelieving, then realizing the picture is probably quite old)

Oh. I suppose he is. When did he die?

EMMA

Oh, a long time ago. Before I was born.

EDDY (stunned)

How old was he?

EMMA

Oh, about your age, I guess. That’s the last picture that was ever taken of him.

EDDY

(moves over, stands looking into mirror)

Why is this mirror here?

EMMA

I don’t know. That’s where it’s always been. We can move it, if you want. Where would you like it?

EDDY

But what’s it for?

EMMA

You don’t know what a mirror’s for? Where do you come from, Eddy?

EDDY (angry)

I mean why do you have it!

(pause)

EMMA (startled)

What kind of a question is that?

(pause)

Why don’t you ask Joe. It’s his mirror.

(pause)

EDDY

Oh. I keep forgetting.

(silence. JOE enters from kitchen with plate of eggs.)

JOE

Here we are. Let’s dig in!

(JOE takes plate to table, they all sit down and begin to eat.)

EMMA

Oh! Wait, Joe!

(mouth full of eggs)

What is it? Something wrong with the eggs?

EMMA

No, there’s nothing wrong with the eggs. I just thought . . . that maybe we should say something first.

JOE

Like what?

EMMA

I don’t know. I thought maybe Eddy was in the habit of saying something.

(taken aback)

Oh.

(to EDDY)

Are you, son?

EDDY

No, I don’t say anything.

JOE

Oh, good.

(silence)

EDDY

This was really nice of you.

JOE

How many times can you say a thing, Eddy? It’s nothing.

EDDY

Well, thanks, anyway.

JOE

And thank you for thanking us, Eddy. You’re a very well-behaved young man.

EDDY

Thank you.

EMMA

More eggs?

EDDY

No, thank you. I haven’t finished the first one.

JOE

Nothing wrong with them, is there?

EDDY

No no, nothing’s wrong.

JOE

Oh. Thank God.

(silence)

EDDY

So do you do this with all your tenants?

JOE

Do what, son?

EDDY

You know. This.

JOE

Well, no, to tell you the truth. Most of them we can’t get to leave us alone. It’s like they live here. This doesn’t work, that’s on the fritz, the other thing is caving in, there’s water dripping on me while I sleep. It’s maddening! You on the other hand we hardly ever see.

EDDY

Well, I keep to myself, I guess.

JOE

Well, that’s the way to be. That’s the way it should be. But I have to say there’s something about you. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

EDDY

On what.

JOE

Well, that’s just it. Emma thinks so too, don’t you Emma.

EMMA

Yes.

EDDY (nervously)

What?

JOE

Well you just seem so damned familiar.

EDDY

Hmh.

JOE

There’s just something . . . about you.

EDDY

No.

JOE

Oh but yes though. Something . . . I don’t know. Well, there you are.

(pause)

I said it.

(silence)

I mean, how long have you been here now? Three months?

EDDY

Yes.

JOE

And we hardly know you.

EDDY

Well, that guy in 6B has been here for years, right?

JOE

Yes? And?

EDDY

And you don’t know him at all.

JOE

Yes, but that’s different.

EDDY

Why?

JOE

Because. Nobody knows him at all.

(pause. JOE suddenly falls asleep, face falls into plate)

EDDY

Is he all right?

EMMA

What, dear?

EDDY

Joe. His face just fell in the eggs.

EMMA

Oh, it’s nothing. He does that.

EDDY

Well shouldn’t we do something?

EMMA

Like what?

EDDY

I don’t know, just . . . something.

EMMA

Oh, no, there’s nothing to be done about it. He’ll wake up. What were you just saying?

Albums! Ha! Lots of history. We’ve got, what, six pictures? Seven? Sad, really. The past is gone, never to be seen again.

(pause. To EDDY)

Were you impressed?

EDDY

Yes. Wonderful. Very interesting.

JOE

Ha!

EDDY

And do you know what?

(pause)

JOE

No.

EDDY

I think I know what you mean. About being familiar.

JOE

Do you?

EDDY

Yes. It was like I’d seen these things before. Like I knew them already but had forgotten. Like I’d taken them. Like I could have been there, in them. But I wasn’t. But it was like I was. Or should have been. Only the image wasn’t true, didn’t show what was really there.

JOE

Hmh. Remarkable.

EDDY

Yes. Remarkable.

(pause)

JOE

Well. I was going to see if you wanted to see the garden.

EDDY

It’s ready.

JOE

All ready.

EDDY

Are you sure?

JOE

Sure I’m sure. It’s perfect. I’ve got it all fenced off, you know. No one can get in or even see it, from outside. You have to be in it. It’s not for the neighbors, after all. It’s not for any body but me. I mean, you can see it through the window, but it’s not the same as being in it.

EDDY

No weeds?

JOE

No weeds.

EDDY

No worms?

JOE

Well, sure, there’s worms. But worms are good. They’re good for the earth. They help things grow.

(EMMA rises. Does not look at EDDY. Goes to door. Shuts it. Locks it. Returns to couch. Takes one last bite of the apple, sets core on coffee table. "Watches" EDDY, who stares straight ahead, eating. She takes the apple from his mouth, sets it on coffee table. He stares straight ahead. She climbs onto his lap, facing him. Kisses him. They lean, lie, her on top of him. They kiss and caress deeply, begin removing one another’s clothing.)

SETTING: The Fourth of July. The living room has been converted into a carpenter’s workshop; tools of all sorts, wood, sawdust and shavings lining the floor, sketched blue prints, etc. An American flag over the back window serves as a curtain. The small statue of liberty still sits on desk, next to it the Trojan Horse.

AT RISE: Early morning. EDDY is at the table (now his work bench), sawing a board with a hand saw, grunting in frustration. His hair is disheveled, heavy facial hair.

(doorbell. EDDY looks at door, keeps sawing. Pause. Doorbell. EDDY grunts in agitation, opens door, DON is there. He is played by the same actor as SANCHO.)

Well I’d advise that you be very careful. If you’re planning on setting off any fireworks or anything.

EDDY

What, in here?

DON

Well, no, I suppose not.

EDDY

I’m not going to celebrate anyway.

DON

No? Well, me neither. Pish posh, I say.

EDDY

It just doesn’t feel like independence day.

DON

No?

EDDY

No. Not at all.

DON

Well, what’s it feel like?

EDDY

It feels like my birthday.

(pause)

DON

Huh. Well, is it your birthday?

EDDY

I don’t know.

(pause)

DON

Well. I’m sorry I didn’t speak to you earlier, but I’m going to be later than expected with the rent this month. I’m working on translating some of Nietzsche’s poems which have been recently found. Allegedly the last thing he ever wrote, on his death bed. In his fever, you know. And it’s proven slipperier than I’d imagined.

EDDY

You’re a poet?

DON

No, no. I’m a philosopher. But I translate all sorts of rubbish. To make ends meet.

EDDY

Yes. Well, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it.

DON

What is?

EDDY

Making ends meet.

DON

Ah. Right you are.

EDDY

So you just . . . what. Philosophize? I mean, that’s what you do?

DON

Well, it doesn’t pay well, I admit.

EDDY

And what is your "philosophy"?

DON

I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that.

EDDY

How does it work?

DON

Well, for example, right now I’m writing on the subject of opposites, in order to negate them. In short, to demonstrate that any dichotomy by definition, by its very nature, is a false one. Because when you speak of opposites, you are speaking about different qualities of the same thing. No synthesis is required, because there are no theses or antitheses. An ancient idea. The ying and the yang and al that. What I have to do is put a spin on it. But you see, what is the opposite of "man"? Is it "woman"? Surely not. Animal? Spirit? Ha. But you see my point. I mean, sure, you can say, Black is the opposite of White. But what is the opposite of grey? And you can say, Darkness is but the absence of light. But no one knows what light is. Or darkness.

EDDY

He doesn’t?

DON

I’m sorry?

EDDY

I said he doesn’t. I didn’t know that.

DON

Who doesn’t what?

EDDY

No one. Knows what darkness and light are.

DON

Oh. No. They don’t. It’s like, what is the opposite of birth? Death? I think not. Clearly they are qualities of the same thing. But what is this thing? And is this thing merely a quality of something else? Where is the beginning, and where is the end? And cannot both serve as their own opposites? You see. What is the opposite of growing?

EDDY

I don’t know.

DON

Well, you’re not supposed to know. It’s a riddle. What’s the opposite of time? Space? I think not. A chair. A table? Absurd. A window. A door? Rubbish. What is the opposite of nothing? Something? Anything? Everything? I think not. You see. What is the opposite of father? Is it mother? Or son? Or daughter? You see. Well, I say it’s none of these. Or rather all of them. Because all are part of the same thing, the same person. In a sense. You don’t know who you are except by comparing yourself to your mother, to your father, to your brothers and sisters, to a rock, a tree, a fish, to everyone and everything. No one is the oppostie of you. Nothing is the "opposite" of you. But you define yourself by what you are not. And this is why it takes so very long.

Yes, that would be quite a list.

DON

But this too is sticky because the internal and the external are part of the same thing. The self and the other is a false dichotomy. So that finally, you are what you are not. YOu see, everyone is part of a family, and every family is part of a community, and so on. And so we’re all really part of the same family. After all, we all came from Adam and Eve, eh? And so, essentially, everyone is part of the same person. But the questio is: who is this person? You see. And does this person have a father? A mother? Siblings? And who are they, etc.

EDDY

That’s good stuff. I had a bit of philosophy myself, back in the day. "I think therefore I am," "know thy self," all that.

DON

Ah yes: "know" thy "self." The "thy" is important, because it emphasizes the absurdity of it: the self is owned by itself, both the knower and the thing known, both the object and the subject. It’s like a window. It sees both in and out, but cannot see itself. So how could it possibly “know itself”? But I’ve always thought that he could only have been referring to masturbation.

EDDY

Ha! So what are you going to call this work?

DON

It’s going to be called, “UN.”

EDDY

Un?

DON

Yes. U., N.. Un.

EDDY

As in United Nations?

DON

No, as in “UN.” The essence of negation.

EDDY

Like, “untitled”?

DON

Sure, like in untitled. Untitled with a capital U.

(pause)

Or I might just call it, “I Think Not.” Little jab at old Descartes, you see.

EDDY

I’d like to read it.

DON

Grand. If it’s ever finished. I suspect you’re the only one who ever will. Well, enough of this. I must go and wake my brother.

EDDY

You have a brother?

DON

Oh, yes, I suppose you didn’t know. Yes, we’re identical twins.

EDDY

Really. And you live with him?

DON

He lives with me, yes. We live together. We’ve never been separated.

EDDY

Never?

DON

Well, even when we’re separated, we’re still together, you know?

EDDY

Mm.

DON

At least that’s how I feel. Joseph feels that whenever we’re apart, he’s not whole, not himself. He suffers. He cannot function. We’re like two hemispheres of the same brain.

EDDY

Sort of like left brain right brain.

DON

Or frontal and dorsal. I’m the head, he’s the arse! Yes, I’d very much like to examine both our brains and compare them. Unfortunately, you can only do that when you’re dead. And once you’re dead, you can’t examine a solitary thing.

EDDY

Uh, look, this is all very interesting but, uh . . . do you have the rent, then, or . . . ?

DON

Ah, the rent. The inevitable subject. I knew we’d get to that. And that’s fine, one can’t be too practical. I myself have always been firmly grounded in the real. Unlike my brother, who cannot fathom the notion that one must, of necessity, work merely in order to exist. He calls himself a Hegelian with a Marxist bent. If you ask me, he’s just bent. Hell bent. On nothing. Anyway, he calls himself a Marksman–Ha! Did you hear that? I mean, he calls himself a Marxist, and yet work—of any kind—is entirely alien to him. Repugnant even. If there were ever a revolution, he wouldn’t notice because he’d be too busy shut up in his room writing manifestos and treatises.

EDDY

What do you mean, a revolution?

DON

I’m sorry?

EDDY

You said revolution.

DON

Yes? You know, an overthrow. Cut off the head—or the heads, if you must—and the body politic dies. Or, you know, you can undermine the “head” from within.

(pause)

And then before you know it there’s one head. One man, one godhead, who rules over everyone. And it begins again.

EDDY

Who?

DON

Could be anyone.

EDDY

You actually think there could be one?

DON

Who knows? Could be it’s already happened, we just don’t know it yet.

EDDY

Here?

DON

Well, you know, America’s fine and all, but things can only go on for so long. Soon it becomes a vicious cycle.

EDDY

But, I mean, who would do it?

DON

The revolting?

EDDY

Yes, the revolting.

DON

I don’t have the answer. Or as my brother would say, you know, there are no such things as answers, only poorly phrased and mispunctuated questions.

EDDY

It would never happen.

DON

Nothing lasts forever. Nations are like individuals. No one’s immortal. Sometimes they’re dead and don’t know it, and so they go on living, like the undead, and prey on other nations. But it doesn’t bring them back to life. It merely keeps them undead.

EDDY

Never.

DON

There are those who assert that we’re on the brink.

EDDY

Of what?

DON

Of collapse.

EDDY

Pah!

DON

That we’re long overdue for self-destruction.

EDDY

Remarkable.

(pause)

So what did you say your brother does?

DON

Same as he’s always done. He’s a philosopher as well. But he’s an idealist. Practically a pseudo-mystic now. He used to be up all hours of the night writing tracts. Now he sleeps half the day. For the dreams, you know. He wakes up, and he writes them down. Has a closet full of these notebooks. He writes so rapidly in order not to forget that I don’t think even he could read the writing. Poor sod. And then, even when he is awake, you know, during the night, what does he do? He meditates. That’s not living, I say.

JOE

And what does he say?

DON

Not a thing. He doesn’t hear me. He’s locked away inside himself. If you dream when you die, I say, it’ll be of flossing your teeth and taking clipping your toenails. But, I suspect he’d say that I’m the one who’s not living. We both are convinced the other is in the cave of shadows. Quite an impasse. My poor brother. He sees things now.

EDDY

What do you mean?

DON

Oh, people who aren’t there, the dead, "demons." His double, sometimes. Scares him out of his mind. Sometimes he’s frightened of me. And then I naturally become frightened of him. Too much acid in his youth, I say. He’s always had a weak mind. Don’t tell him I told yo uthat, because I’ll deny it like a deluded Judas. My mind, on the other hand, is strong as an ox on anebolic steroids. It’s going to outlive me, I always say. Well, so long. We say, Enough, but apparently it is never enough. Or always too much. It’s all one. Good day.

EDDY

What’s his name?

DON

My brother? Constantine. But he goes crazy if you call him that.

EDDY

What does he want to be called?

DON

Sancho.

(pause)

MM. Well I must be going. You will have the rent within the week. Is that acceptable?

EDDY

Yes, it’s all right. It’s on the lease, isn’t it? That you have one week? So I can’t say anything.

DON

Well, you could, but—

EDDY

No sir. What’s on the lease is on the lease.

DON

But you wrote the lease, did you not?

(pause)

EDDY

Yes, of course. What’s your point?

DON

Well, you could change it.

EDDY

Not once it’s been signed.

DON

No?

EDDY

No sir. The lease is the lease. There’s no going back. Anyway, any time is fine. Tomorrow, the next day, next week. It doesn’t matter.

DON

Well, lucky for me then, eh? Good day.

EDDY

We’ll see ya. That is, I’ll see you. Ha ha ha.

DON (not amused)

Ha ha ha. Very clever.

(exits. EDDY shuts door behind him. Returns to work.)

(EMMA enters from bedroom, in bathrobe.)

EMMA (yawning)

Who was that?

EDDY

Who was who?

EMMA

I thought I heard someone.

EDDY

Nope. No one’s here.

EMMA

Hmh. I must be hearing things.

(pause)

What time is it?

EDDY

It’s still early.

EMMA

(goes to him, they embrace)

Oh. God, I had the strangest dream.

(they move to couch, sit holding each other)

EDDY

What was it?

EMMA

Oh, I don’t know. There was a stranger here.

(EDDY falls asleep)

But he was like a ghost . . . like I could see right through him. He was standing over by the window, looking out. And I could see beyond him. And there was another man, out in the garden, looking in. It was like he was looking at this first man, but I felt like he was staring right at me. Like he was looking right through both of us.

(pause)

I wanted to touch his face.

(silence)

Eddy?

(pause)

Eddy, are you awake? Eddy?

(EDDY starts awake. Jumps when he sees her.)

EDDY

Yes, I’m here.

(pause)

EMMA

Good.

(pause)

Hungry?

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

Feel like an egg?

EDDY

I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel like.

(pushes his face into her chest. begins undoing her shirt)

EMMA

It feels strange. This is his bed, you know.

EDDY

This?

EMMA

Uh huh.

EDDY

Why doesn’t he sleep in the bed?

EMMA

Oh, we’ve never slept together.

EDDY

Why?

EMMA

Well, he’s gay, for one.

EDDY

He’s gay?

EMMA

Sure. Couldn’t you see it? He’s always been gay.

EDDY

He never mentioned it.

EMMA

Well I don’t think he knows.

(pause)

Did you ever wonder if you were gay?

EDDY

Yes. I used to like men.

EMMA

Really?

EDDY

Yes. There was a man once. I loved him.

EMMA

And now?

EDDY

And now I don’t love him anymore.

(pause)

Everyone said he looked just like me.

(pause)

EMMA

What was he like?

EDDY

He was a deaf mute. Everyone told him to be a mime. So he did. Everywhere he went, all the time, all he would do was imitate others. Anyone he saw. But I could always tell it was him underneath.

(silence)

EMMA

Eddy, I have to ask this.

(pause)

EDDY

What?

EMMA

Well, I mean, . . . what now?

EDDY

Now?

EMMA

Yes, what happens now?

EDDY

I don’t know. How should I know what happens? Anything can happen.

EMMA

Can it?

EDDY

Sure. We’ll just have to wait and see.

(pause)

It was chance that brought me here, you know.

EMMA

It was fate.

EDDY

Yes. Dumb luck.

(pause)

EDDYEMMA

No, I said fate.

EDDY (studies her)

I fell right into your web, didn’t I.

EMMA

(as though not hearing his remark)

Do you ever wonder if this was meant to happen?

EDDY

Nothing’s "meant" to happen.

EMMA

I don’t know. I like to think everything’s meant to happen. Don’t you?

AT RISE: Morning. The flag is gone from window. A half-finished wooden box in middle of floor. EDDY working frantically.

(EMMA enters from bedroom in a bathrobe, yawning.)

EMMA

What time is it?

EDDY

I don’t know.

EMMA

Well look.

EDDY

I’m busy. Can’t you see that?

EMMA

What are you working on?

EDDY

A box. What does it look like?

EMMA

What kind of box?

EDDY

A rectangular box.

EMMA

What for?

EDDY

To put things in.

EMMA

What things?

EDDY

Any things. Everything.

EMMA

Everything?

EDDY

Sure. And also nothing.

EMMA

Ambitious project.

EDDY

Yes. And that’s why I need peace and quiet and concentration.

(hammers)

(EDDY hammers continuously)

EMMA

This is our living room.

EDDY

Why do you call it the “living” room, anyway?

EMMA

What do you call it?

EDDY

It’s just a room. It’s not alive.

EMMA

Well it’s not a wood shop.

EDDY

What isn’t.

EMMA

The living room.

EDDY

Look around you. What does it look like to you?

EMMA

(gropes to him, finds hammer, grabs it, tries to take it from him, he won’t let go, finally he rips it free from her hands and wields it over his head as though about to bash her skull in with claw end. Freezes. Pause. Smiles strangely. Lowers hammer.)

We need to talk.

EDDY

Do we.

EMMA

Yes.

EDDY

What about.

EMMA

Us.

EDDY

Mm.

EMMA

You have to start collecting the rent.

EDDY

Do I.

EMMA

Yes. Or we won’t be able to pay our rent.

EDDY

Who’s going to evict us? This is our home. Or have you forgotten.

EMMA

We have bills. We don’t pay them, we’ll have no heat.

EDDY (monotone)

We’ll keep each other warm.

EMMA

No light.

EDDY

Hm. I do need that. I’ll have to work extra hard during the day. To make up for lost time.

(pause)

EMMA

Did you sleep last night?

EDDY

No.

EMMA

What were you doing?

EDDY

Working.

EMMA

I didn’t hear you.

EDDY

I was drawing the plans.

EMMA

When was the last time you slept?

(pause)

EDDY

I don’t remember.

EMMA

Stop working. Make me some eggs.

EDDY

Eggs?

EMMA

Yes. I feel like an egg.

EDDY

Eggs?

EMMA

Yes. For breakfast.

EDDY

Are you out of your fucking mind?

(pause. He begins to saw.)

EMMA

Is there coffee?

EDDY (keeps sawing)

There might be some left. I don’t know, go look.

(She goes into kitchen)

(he works on the box. Suddenly stops. Listens. Goes along wall, edges over to back window, peers out sideways; suddenly steps in front of the window as though to catch someone there spying. Goes back to workbench [table], quickly turns around and looks at window again. Goes back to work, nervously.)

(EMMA returns.)

EMMA

There’s no more. We’re out.

EDDY

Pity. Why don’t you go and pick some up?

EMMA

Can’t you do it?

EDDY

I’m busy. Get Murphy. He’ll do it.

EMMA

You know, that can was half full two days ago.

EDDY

Strange.

(pause. He works.)

EMMA

I had a dream last night.

EDDY

Strange.

EMMA

I dreamt that I was sleeping.

EDDY

A nightmare.

EMMA

In a different bed, in a different room. And then I woke up.

EDDY

Unbelievable.

EMMA

And it was completely dark. And this scared me. Scared me to death. And I didn’t know why. I have no idea why. I had no idea where I was. Just nothingness, all around.

(EDDY falls asleep)

And I got up. And I felt my way to the door. But it was locked. From the outside. I just stood there. Breathing. For some reason I tried the light switch. And the room was flooded with intense light. At first I was blinded. Just white. A white void. And then my eyes adjusted. And I could see.

(EDDY wakes)

I could see everything clearly. Perfectly. And I blended in with my surroundings. And in the bed . . . was . . .

EDDY

You.

EMMA

No.

EDDY

A monkey.

(resumes sawing)

EMMA

No.

(pause)

A what?

EDDY

Tell me. I’m captivated.

EMMA

Murphy.

EDDY (indifferent)

Strange.

EMMA

And he was dead.

(EDDY falls asleep)

(pause)

But then he opened his eyes, and spoke—-but I knew he was still dead. And he said, "Help me. I can’t see. Where am I? Help me.

No one. I try to picture my husband, and I can’t. He has no face to me.

EDDY

Yet you can picture Murphy?

EMMA

No. Yes. I don’t know. He’s just . . . a clown. Like he could be anybody, wearing that suit. It’s just a mask. An image. But I can’t see a clown without seeing Murphy. And I can’t see Murphy without seeing a clown.

EDDY

What about you?

EMMA

What?

EDDY

Can you see yourself?

(pause)

EMMA

I don’t know.

(pause)

But I don’t think it matters.

EDDY

No?

EMMA

No. Because the last time I saw myself, I was a different person.

EDDY

You mean you were not the same person seeing? Or not the same person being seen?

EMMA (pause)

Both.

EDDY

And that doesn’t matter.

EMMA

No. It makes no difference.

(pause)

I’m still me.

EDDY

You’ll always be you. And I’ll always be me.

EMMA

Of course.

(pause)

Always.

(pause)

It has to be. We have to be.

EDDY

Do we.

(He works.)

I want you to do something for me.

EMMA

All right. What?

EDDY

I want you to paint a portrait.

EMMA

I don’t know if I can.

EDDY

Why?

EMMA

Because. I can’t see colors anymore. I mean, I know there’s a difference. Between them. But if you say, Red, I don’t see red. I just have the word. And if you hand me tubes and say, This one’s blue and this one’s red and this one’s green, and I paint with them, thinking, I’m painting the color blue, . . . it means nothing to me. Nothing at all.

EDDY

What about white? Can you see white? And black?

EMMA

I think so. I don’t know. I think I can, but I might have them confused.

EDDY

That’s absurd.

(pause)

Well you can paint grey, anyway.

EMMA

I suppose so.

EDDY

So I want you to paint us.

EMMA

In grey?

EDDY

Sure. White, Black, Grey. O.K.?

EMMA

O.K.

EDDY

But here’s the tricky part. I want you to paint only one person. I want you to paint us both as one person.

(EDDY sneaks along wall around next to window, peers out sideways. Suddenly leaps in front of window; at exactly the same time, JOE appears in window, looking in. Just as suddenly [as soon as he sees EDDY], JOE vanishes. EDDY screams and leaps back.)

EMMA

What? What’s wrong, what’s going on?

(EDDY backs away from window slowly; trips over his box, falls over backwards into the box. Lies there motionless.)

Eddy? What’s happening? Have you fallen?

EDDY

(gets out of box. Goes back to window as he speaks.)

I saw someone. In the window.

EMMA

Who?

EDDY

At first—for a split second—I thought it was me.

(moves over, stands in front of mirror)

EMMA

But it wasn’t?

EDDY

What do you mean? How could it be me?

EMMA

Well who was it?

EDDY

(moves over, stands looking at picture of JOE’s father.)

It was him.

EMMA

Who?

EDDY

Him.

EMMA (pause)

Outside?

EDDY

Yes. In the garden.

(pause)

EMMA

Go back to bed, Eddy.

EDDY

Back? I haven’t been to bed. How can I go back to it?

EMMA

You just need sleep. That’s all.

EDDY

What, you don’t believe me? Nothing you don’t see exists or what?

EMMA

He’s not out there.

EDDY

He is. Go and see for yourself.

(silence)

You know what?

EMMA

No. What.

EDDY

I realized something today myself.

EMMA

Did you.

EDDY

Yes.

(pause)

There’s someone living in my room.

EMMA

Which room?

EDDY

My old room. Upstairs.

EMMA

No.

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

Who?

EDDY

I don’t know. A man.

EMMA

A man?

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

You saw him?

EDDY

No.

EMMA

Then how do you know he’s there?

EDDY

The door’s locked.

(pause)

EMMA

It is?

EDDY

Yes it is.

EMMA

Are you sure?

EDDY

Sure I’m sure.

EMMA

You didn’t lock it?

EDDY

I never locked it. The key is lost.

(pause)

EMMA

Did you speak to him?

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

What did you say?

EDDY

I said, Who are you.

EMMA

Did he speak to you?

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

What did he say?

EDDY

He said, No One.

EMMA

Is that all?

EDDY

He said, No One’s here.

EMMA

And?

EDDY

And what?

EMMA

And what did you say?

EDDY

I said, Then let me in.

EMMA

And he said?

EDDY

No One can come in.

EMMA

And you said Why?

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

And he said . . .

EDDY

Because No One’s Here.

EMMA

And you said Open This Door.

EDDY

And he said, I Can’t.

EMMA

And you said Why.

EDDY

And he said, Because I’m Not Here.

(silence)

EMMA

Was that all?

EDDY

Yes.

(pause)

EMMA

Don’t go back up there.

EDDY

You think it’s him. Don’t you.

EMMA

No.

EDDY

You do.

EMMA

I don’t. I don’t.

EDDY

(stands staring at her, holding hammer threateningly)

Don’t you lie to me. You and I both know who it is.

EMMA

Who?

EDDY

“Who? Who?”

EMMA

Well who, Eddy?

(JOE appears in window)

EDDY

(growing more intense and maniacal, raising hammer)

“Who. Who? Who! Who! Who! Who Who Who Who Who!!”

(suddenly falls asleep. head falls, hammer falls, he stands limp)

EMMA

Eddy?

(silence)

(JOE vanishes. EDDY wakes quickly, looks at window. he returns to box, lies down in it)

EDDY

It could be him. It could be anyone.

EMMA

If only he’d tell us. Why won’t he tell us?

EDDY

Maybe he doesn’t know himself.

(silence. He begins to snore. She gets in the box with him.)

EDDYEMMA

I’m cold.

EDDY

It’ll be winter soon.

EMMA

The sun would be good. We should have more windows.

EDDY

We should put the flag back up.

EMMA

Why?

EDDY

It’d be easier to sleep.

(FADE)

(END OF SCENE)

ACT II

Scene 3

AT RISE: Box is further completed. The statue of liberty is gone; iin its place, a ceramic owl. The two asleep in the box. Night. Rain.

First I was . . . I was digging. Shoveling. It was pitch black. I don’t know if . . . if I was in the hole . . . or . . . it was like something went right through me . . . And then I was sleeping. And then I woke up. And it was pitch black. And I thought I was dead. And then I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating. So I knew I was alive. And then I smelled the earth. And I realized I was in it. That I’d been buried alive. And just when there was no more breath, I woke up.

(enters, moving very slowly. Sits down in center of sofa. EDDY and EMMA remain standing. JOE lies down on sofa, stretches out. Stares straight up, does not look around. [Perhaps even closes his eyes.])

I like what you’ve done with the place.

(pause)

I feel quite at home. There’s no place like home, I always say. How have you been sleeping?

I didn’t say I wasn’t sentimental. I said I didn’t want to be. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. A sheep in wolf’s clothing. Maybe a phoenix will pop up out of there like a Joe In The Box and say, “Hello. Who are you? Hello. Who are you?”

(JOE moves toward EMMA silently.)

EDDY

(approaches box, looks in)

Who did this? Where did they come from?

JOE

You don’t know? Remarkable. Right underneath you, all along. And you never knew.

I’ve often thought of having myself stuffed. Oh, not right away. But maybe after I’m dead I’ll do it.

EDDY

Who put him there?

JOE

You don’t know?

EDDY

No.

JOE

Then it could be anyone. Could be no one at all. Things just happen sometimes. Things just appear. And then they disappear. That’s life.

(pause)

Have you been keeping the door locked?

(pause)

EDDY

Yes.

JOE

Maybe you forgot to lock it. Maybe someone has a key. Or maybe someone came in through the window.

(pause)

Could have been anyone.

(pause)

Anything’s possible.

(pause)

Crazy how things just disappear. Isn’t it. Here one moment, and gone the next. And then there’s something else there. And no one knows what happened to what was there before. No one seems to think to ask.

(pause)

That’s life.

(JOE sits on couch. Silence.)

(staring at EDDY:)

Emma dearest?

(pause)

Would you leave us alone for a moment?

(EMMA shakes her head.)

EDDY

It’s all right.

(pause. EMMA goes into the bedroom. Stops, stands in doorway.)

JOE

Not in there, please, dearest. Go outside. Go out back. Into the garden.

(EMMA slowly goes out.)

Shut the door, please, would you?

(EMMA returns, shuts the door. JOE stares at EDDY.)

EDDY

You don’t think she can still hear us?

JOE

No. Not on your life.

(pause)

Sit down. Won’t you?

EDDY

No.

JOE

Then I’ll sit.

EDDY

You are.

JOE

I’ll sit for both of us.

(pause)

I can’t stand for very long. Can’t keep my eyes open very long either. I think I’m going blind. But my hearing is still quite sharp. Quite acute.

(pause)

EDDY

What are you doing here?

(laughs mirthlessly)

Me? Not a thing.

EDDY

What do you want?

(pause)

Why have you come back?

JOE

What makes you think I left?

(pause)

I want to tell you something. Something very interesting. Something very entertaining.

EDDY

Is that so.

JOE

Yes. It’s so all right. It’s so so you wouldn’t believe how so it is.

EDDY

So tell me.

JOE

All in good time, my boy, everything in its own good time. I think you’ll get a very big kick out of it. I did. But I think you’ll get an even bigger one. A big old kick right in the crotch is what it’ll be. I think it’ll be like the punchline to your life. You’ll think your whole life up until now has been one long joke. Only you didn’t know where it was leading. You didn’t know the punchline. Or if there even was a punchline. And so the joke just dragged on, purposeless, and not funny in the least. And you thought maybe the joke was on you. Because you’re the one paying for it. But the only thing to do was to go on with the joke, because you were also the one telling it. To see if there was a punchline. And you said, well who would know it, if not me? Maybe the punchline already came, and you missed it, and so the joke just goes on endlessly for no reason. But no. It hasn’t come. So you listen for it. You listen to your every word.

(pause)

But I have it. I’m going to tell it to you now.

(pause)

Unless you’d like to do the honors.

EDDY

Are you going to tell me or not?

JOE

Oh yes. I’ll tell you. I’ve found out a little something. I’ve made a little discovery. About you. That you don’t know. I know something about you that you don’t know, see? The mask comes off and you will see yourself in the mirror, laughing. But you won’t be laughing.

(turns knobs of typewriter to make the sound of removing paper. Picks paper up from desk. Reads aloud. At some point during the following, JOE appears in window.)

He falls asleep so suddenly. I don’t think he wants to live. But I don’t think he knows it. His body tries to tell him. He can’t control it. One day he’ll fall asleep driving, or while burning something, and be killed, not knowing that he wanted it. Or maybe he’s afraid of life. Because of the end. Creeping up on him suddenly, unaware. I do not like the gun in the drawer. It’s there for a purpose. It should not have a purpose. It should not be there. He falls asleep in the way that some people suddenly wake, instantly, from a terrible nightmare. He wakes right back up, like when as soon as they know it was only a dream, they fall right back asleep.

(EDDY suddenly falls asleep.)

EMMA

Are you sure I wrote that? I don’t think I wrote that. But who else could it be?

(pause)

Who?

(pause)

You didn’t write it, did you, Eddy?

(pause)

Eddy? Are you pulling my leg?

(pause)

Eddy?

(pause. JOE vanishes. EDDY wakes, turns to look at window.)

EDDY

There’s someone out there.

(EDDY moves along wall, stands next to window, peering out sideways)

EMMA

Where?

EDDY

Out back. In the garden.

EMMA

Who?

EDDY

I don’t know.

EMMA

What’s he doing?

EDDY

He’s watching us.

EMMA

Are you sure?

EDDY

Yes. I can see him.

EMMA

You can?

EDDY

Yes. I’m watching him. I’m looking at him right now.

EMMA

Who is it?

EDDY

I don’t know.

(long pause)

He’s coming nearer. I can hear him. His footsteps in the mud. A sucking sound—you hear it? He’s stuck. It’s like quicksand out there. But he’s coming. He’s coming toward the window. He looks like he can’t see. But he’s coming right toward the window.

EMMA

Oh my God.

EDDY

He’s getting very close.

EMMA

Eddy. There’s a gun.

EDDY

Where?

EMMA

In the desk.

EDDY

(searches drawers, finds it)

Is it loaded?

EMMA

Yes. Use it.

EDDY

He’s almost here.

EMMA

Oh my God.

EDDY

He’s coming in.

EMMA

Use it.

EDDY

He’s going to come in through the window.

EMMA

Who! Who, who is he?! Who! Who!!

EDDY

He’s here.

EMMA

Use it! Use it use it use it use it use—

(Gunshot. Sound of a body falling into the mud. Silence but for rain.)

EDDY

He fell into the hole.

EMMA

What hole?

(pause)

EDDY

He’s not moving.

EMMA

Can you see him?

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

Can you see his face?

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

Who is it?

EDDY

I don’t know. I’ll go and see.

EMMA

Don’t!

EDDY

He’s dead.

EMMA

Don’t go out there!

(EDDY goes. She wraps herself in a blanket. Slowly goes to window, listens. Sounds of sloshing in the mud.)

(EDDY comes in, dragging the muddy soaked body of JOE.)

Is that him? Is he here?

EDDY

Yes.

(pause)

EMMA

Is it him?

(pause)

EDDY

Yes.

EMMA

Tell me it’s not him.

(pause)

EDDY

It’s not him.

EMMA

Tell me you didn’t know it was him.

(pause)

Eddy. Tell me!

(pause)

EDDY

I didn’t know it was him.

(silence)

EMMA

Why did he come back?

EDDY

Maybe he had to.

(pause)

EMMA

What now?

EDDY

We have to bury him.

EMMA

Where?

EDDY

Out back.

EMMA

We have to call the police.

EDDY

No.

EMMA

We have to tell someone.

EDDY

Are you insane? Who? We have to bury him. Don’ you see? Don’t you see how all this looks?

(silence)

I’ll get the shovel.

EMMA

Are you going to put him in the box?

EDDY

No.

EMMA

Why not?

EDDY

It’s mine.

(pause)

I might need it.

(EDDY drags the body out again.)

(FADE)

(END OF ACT II)

ACT III

Scene 1

AT RISE: Approaching Christmas. EDDY with long white beard, much like DON and SANCHO’s, sits as though in a trance.

(EMMA enters from bedroom, in robe.)

EMMA

Eddy? Eddy, where are you?

(to self)

I wish I knew what time it was.

(calling)

Eddy!

EDDY

What.

EMMA

Eddy, is that you? Are you there?

EDDY

Yes, I’m here.

(EDDY falls asleep)

EMMA

It is you . . . isn’t it?

(silence)

God, what a dream. I can’t for the life of me understand why I always dream about him.

(EDDY wakes, turns slowly to look at window)

(pause)

What are you doing?

EDDY

What?

EMMA

I said, What are you doing?

EDDY

Oh. Nothing.

EMMA

Where are you?

EDDY

What?

EMMA

Can’t you hear me?

EDDY

No.

EMMA

(following his voice, speaking more loudly)

I said, Where are you.

EDDY

Nowhere.

EMMA

(finds him)

Yes you are.

EDDY

Don’t touch me.

(pause)

EMMA

Why aren’t you working?

EDDY

On what?

EMMA

On the box.

EDDY

There’s nothing to be done with it.

EMMA

What do you mean? It’s finished?

EDDY

No.

EMMA

Well if it’s not finished then why aren’t you working on it?

EDDY

There’s just nothing to be done, that’s all.

(silence)

EMMA

It’s still raining?

EDDY

Looks that way.

EMMA

It’s the last flood. We’re all going to drown. And then we’ll all be purified. And reborn. Different beings. Perfect. Pure. Eternal.

I’ll teach him. I’ll take him under my wing like he was my only son. And he’ll repeat it. And keep on repeating it. Until his dying day. Like he always says.

EMMA

Who?

EDDY

You know who.

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)

ACT III

Scene 4

AT RISE: The parrot has been stuffed, wings spread, and crucified. EDDY is hammering it on wall above desk, next to mirror. EMMA putting last touches on their portrait. The Trojan Horse and the ceramic owl still sit on desk.

(A man appears in window who appears to be MURPHY. [It is JOE wearing MURPHY’s suit, wig and makeup. This need not be evident.] Remains, staring in.)

EMMA

It’s finished.

EDDY

It can’t be.

EMMA

It is.

EDDY

You’d hardly begun, this morning.

EMMA

Well now it’s night. And it’s finished.

EDDY

Let me see.

(Goes to easel, holds up picture. Looks at EMMA.)

It’s nothing. It’s just black.

EMMA

It’s not nothing. It’s us.

EDDY

Where?

EMMA

Right there. You don’t see it?

EDDY

All I see is black.

EMMA

It looks just like us. I know it does.

(pause)

Are you going to hang it up?

EDDY

Sure, sure, Mom.

EMMA

What did you say?

EDDY

Nothing. Let’s see . . .

(carries painting around, looking for the best place. [JOE still in window. EDDY carries painting out in front of him, still looking at it, and does not see JOE. Goes to desk, takes down mirror, sets mirror face down on top of picture of his grandfather. Hangs the picture in its place. It is nothing but black.)

EMMA

Do you see it now?

EDDY

No.

EMMA

How can you not see it?

EDDY

Maybe we need more light.

(gets candles from desk drawer, sets them on desk, lights them. Meanwhile EMMA comes over to him, embraces him from behind.)

EMMA

Now?

(pause)

I think it’s my best work. Our best work. I mean, you’re the one who thought of it.

What in Christ do you mean? You don’t recognize me? I’ve lived here forever. I was born here and I’ll die here and you don’t know me. This some kind of joke? Eh, Joe?

EDDY

I’m not laughin.

SALMON

Neither am I. Neither is anybody. That’s my point!

EDDY

Who are you, mister?

SALMON

“Mister”?! You really don’t know me? After all this time? What is this? I know I haven’t been around here to see ya in a while, Sancho, I’ve been kinda busy. Started a garden of my own! How do you like them apples! But it hasn’t been that long. Has it? Well, I have to tell you, the mind is always the first to go.

EDDY

Have you always wore a beard?

SALMON

Wore it? Whattaya mean, “worn”? It’s just there, it’s not a mask, it’s not a pari of knickers! No, you don’t notice how time flies until suddenly you look in the mirror, and look at that. Something’s appeared. I just thought, what’s the point of shavin? I can’t see the point. Then again, now, I don’t see the point of coverin your face up with fur like some damn she-beast without a leash, eather. Cause if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my lifetime, it’s that animals don’g wear underpants. Nothing can change that. It’s been proven time and again. It’s all a waste of time and energy, andyway ya look at it. I s’pose it makes me look more like a man. But when you’ve got a beard, see, you don’t look like who you are, ya look like no one. Just some body with a beard. Unless that’s who y’are. Then you look like you.

(noticing cross)

Say, what’s that for, Sparky?

EDDY

Tell me who you are. Or I’ll fry you up and eat you.

SALMON

Solomon’s the name. But you can call me Salmon. Everybody does.

EDDY

Salmon? What kind of name is that?

SALMON

I don’t know, I think it’s Russian. How should I know, I wasn’t there when they gave it to me, was I. You’ve never seen salmon before? They go upstream to die. Just like anybody. On second thought, to hell with everybody! Call me Sal. No, Saul! No, Paul. No, Nona! Call me Nona.

EDDY

Nona?

SALMON

That’s "Anon" spelled backwards.

EDDY

Anon?

SALMON

Sure. As in, in a little while, at another time, now and then, presently, again. So, backwards, that’s: out of a long while, at this time, then and now—er, no. . . . What’s the opposite of now? Hmh. Well what’s the opposite of presently? I don’t know either. What’s the opposite of again? Never? Not to my knowledge. No, the opposite of never is always. Isn’t it? It must be. A thing happens once, and it’ll never happen again. And so really it never happened. Or else it’ll keep on happening forever. Well now again spelled backwards is "niagawon." That right? Like "Niaga Falls." Only backwards. So the opposite fo falling would be . . . Dammit, now I was getting to–

EDDY

What the fuck are you talking about, grandpa?!

SALMON

Since when do you talk to me like that? Grandpa! Go to hell in a hand basket, sir, I’m nobody’s grandpa. And you’re nobody’s grandson! We’re nothing to one another, you and I.

EDDY

What’re you doin here?

SALMON

Well anyway it’s also short for anonymous. Now the opposite of anonymous is "suomynona." No. But . . . Well, what do you say?

EDDY

About what, for Christ’s sake?

SALMON

What’s the opposite of being anonymous? Are you deaf? Eh, Joe? Eh?

EDDY

I dunno. Bein known?

SALMON

You think?

EDDY

I dunno.

SALMON

But it also means you’ve got a name. Joe Schmoe, maybe, but stilla name.

EDDY

Sure.

SALMON

And that people know this name. And they know you by this name. Or that one. They see you or think of you, they think of the name. They see the name or think of the name, they see you. Get me?

I wonder . . . do you think, when you die—after you’re dead—do you—I mean, not you, but—does anyone celebrate the day they died?

SALMON

I don’t know. I would.

(pause. takes out a bundle of papers from pocket)

Oh yeah. I forgot. I found this on him.

(hands EDDY the script)

I don’t know what the hell it is, some kind of damn play or somethin. I didn’t read it, just glanced through it. But it looks like it might be abouty us. Starts on New Year’s Day and ends . . . I couldn’t figure out where it ended. I don’t think it’s finished. I guess we’re all he had to write about. But I don’t see how he could know anything about us. Old Creepy. I mean we don’t know anything about him, ya know? But then maybe old Murphy wrote it. I mean I don’t know who wrote it if no one’s been there the whole time.

EDDY

Maybe no one wrote it.

SALMON

If no one wrote it, where’d it come from? Ya know, you can be a real dummy sometimes.

EDDY

I’m no dummy. Howdy Doody’s a dummy. You’re the dummy.

SALMON

You calling me Howdy Doody? Do I look like Howdy Doody? Who do you think you are, to talk like that. Well, we’re all dummies. Things we say. I swear I wonder where words come from sometimes. I sure as hell didn’t make em up.

(pause)

Well. You need help getting him out of here?

EDDY

No.

SALMON

Well if ya do, let me know, cause I won’t be here.

EDDY

I’ll see to him.

SALMON

All right then.

(as he is leaving, the sound of singing: "Silent Night." Carolers can be seen, indistinctly, through window, in garden. SALMON stops at door.)

Hear that? See? I told you so.

EDDY

Where’d they come from?

SALMON

I don’t know. No place. Same place as anybody. Does it matter?

EDDY

No.

(pause)

I changed my mind, Dad.

SALMON

What’d you call me?

EDDY

I wasn’t born today.

SALMON

No? Well when were you born then?

EDDY

Easter.

SALMON (shrugs)

Well it ain’t Easter. Cause Easter falls on a Sunday. And ain’t no sun today, son. Look out that window. Plus, I don’t see any colored eggs anywhere, do you? You better save that cake, son. So, ah, do you need anything then?

EDDY

No. Nothing.

SALMON

You want me to get someone?

EDDY

No one.

SALMON

Suit yourself.

(Leaves. Carolers can be seen leaving. Singing fades. Thunder, rain.)

EDDY

Yes. I will, thank you. I will suit myself. Thank you, Nona, for bringing him to my attention. And thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for watching.

(EDDY returns, dragging what looks like MURPHY’s body, which is caked with mud. [It is JOE’s body, in MURPHY’s clothes and makeup as before.] [The script is gone.])

EDDY (sing-songy)

Found him!

(to JOE)

You’re it.

(EMMA does not seem to hear anything. He does not seem to notice EMMA. As he drops JOE, he hears a honking. Finds the little horn in JOE’s pocket. Honks it a few times. Puts it down. Begins to remove MURPHY’s suit from JOE’s body. Then he removes his own clothes, puts on suit, wig, nose, shoes, etc. Goes to mirror. Studies himself. Goes into bedroom. Comes out with makeup kit. Goes to mirror. Paints his face like JOE’s [i.e. like MURPHY’s]. Studies himself.)

(Goes to picture. Studies it. Takes it down, sets it face down on desk. Goes to window, stares out. EMMA stops typing, rises, goes to coffin, lies down. EDDY turns around. Sees her. Picks up horn, honks it a few times, sets it on EMMA. Looks at JOE. Lifts him, carries him upstage and sets him next to cross. Gets hammer and nails. Puts nails in teeth, hoists JOE up on cross. Nails each of his hands to cross. EMMA does not stir.)

(EDDY exits. Appears through window, with shovel, begins digging.)

(Thunder. Rain.)

(EMMA suddenly sits bold upright, runs to bathroom. Sounds of vomitting. Finally she comes out, crying. Gropes around as though lost. Goes into bedroom. Comes out with suitcase. Leaves.)

(Begins taking off his clothes, drops them in coffin. Places EMMA’s note in coffin, lights it on fire.)

Bye bye, birdie.

(Goes into bathroom. Sound of tub running.)

(FADE)

(END OF SCENE)

ACT III

Scene 7

AT RISE: Late, approaching midnight. Dark. A small pathetic pine tree sits in the middle of the room, pine needles lining the floor. The parrot has been removed from the cross and sits atop the tree, wings still spread.

(EDDY comes out of bathroom, wearing EMMA’s bathrobe wrapped around his lower body like a diaper or a loin cloth. Skin either very red or very pale. Sees horn. Picks it up, honks it a few times. Picks up cupcake, lights the single candle. Climbs into coffin, in foetal position. Eyes remain open, flickering in the glow of candle. Begins to eat the cupcake. Long silence, interrupted by an occasional honk.)

(Doorbell. SALMON enters, still with cane. Does not notice JOE on wall.)

SALMON

What the hell ya doin? Sleepin? What’re ya waitin for, Christmas? Well it’s Christmas! Wake up! Say, ah, you feel like an egg, Joe? I could sure use an egg.

EDDY

What for?

SALMON

You sayin there’s no use for an egg? You might be right. I’ll find one.

EDDY

Milk?

SALMON

Milk? You wanna hard-boil some milk? I’ve been meaning to tell you, son, you might think about taking it easy on the sauce.

EDDY

I want some milk.

SALMON

Fine. I’ll see.

(goes to kitchen. EDDY falls asleep. SALMON returns with many eggs)

It’s so dark you can’t see your nose in front of your face! Rise and shine, angel face!

(Flips lights on. Immediately EDDY stands, frightened.)

EDDY

Who said that? Who are you?

(gropes around, as though it is pitch dark)

What are you doing here? You don’t belong here.

SALMON

Who are you to talk?

EDDY

(EDDY gropes his way toward SALMON)

Dad? Dad, is that you?

SALMON

Dad?! I’m no one’s dad. And neither are you.

(EDDY gropes at him, feels his face, leans on him for support)

What’s wrong with you? Are you out of your mind, son? Have you lost it? Get away from me, Joe. Don’t touch me. Who do ya think you are, anyway? You call yourself a man? You’re not a man. I know a man when I see one, and you’re no body. A joke. An imposter. What are ya tryin ta do?

(takes out can of mace from pocket)

I’ll show you who’s who and what’s what.

(sprays EDDY in the eyes, EDDY flails around blindly, screaming, hands over eyes. SALMON picks up eggs, pelts him with them in the face. As he throws eggs:)

There! Take that! There’s a has-been. And that! That’s a would-be. And that, son, is a never-was and never-will-be.

How do you feel, Joe? Eh? Who do you feel like now? You still feel like a king, Joe?

(EDDY curls up in coffin, covered in eggs)

EDDY (moaning)

Milk.

SALMON

Oh. I forgot. Wait here.

(goes into kitchen, returns with a carton of milk)

Here we are. I better test this.

(tries milk, spits, wretches)

I don’t think you want that.

EDDY

Milk! Milk, milk!

SALMON

Who are you, Hellen Keller on sedatives?

EDDY

Milk! Milk, milk, milk, miiilk!

SALMON

Fine. This’ll shut your cake hole for ya.

(begins to ppour milk into EDDY’s mouth)

More? All right. Mommy’s got more.

(pours until carton is empty)

That’s all she wrote. You sucked her dry. You don’t feel like puking? I feel like puking.

SALMON

(Sound of explosions outside)

What in Christ’s name is that noise?

EDDY

Fireworks?

SALMON

Huh. Well I’ll be damned. That’s one hell of a way to celebrate Christmas. I don’t know what the world’s comin to.

EDDY

It’s not Christmas, it’s my birthday.

SALMON

Well it may be your birthday, but it’s Christmas. It’s Christmas whether you like it or not. It’s always been Christmas and it’ll always be Christmas.

EDDY

I was born at midnight.

SALMON

Well, if you were born at midnight, then ya can’t say you were born today. I mean, tomorrow you won’t be able to say whether you were born today or yesterday.

EDDY

I wasn’t born yesterday!

SALMON

Well, I suppose it’s all the same. Today, yesterday, tomorrow.

(pause)

Say, Joe, I thought youwere born on New Year’s. Maybe it is New Year’s. Maybe Christmas came and went and I didn’tnotice. Remarkable. Where’s a paper, I gotta see.

(searches)

Hell, you can’t find anything in this place.

(finally finds newspaper in desk)

Well I’ll be damned. It is New Year’s.

(reads)

Good God, that’s revolting! I never heard about that.

(looks again at date)

Wait a second. This is from two years ago. The day might be right but the year sure as hell ain’t.

(squinting)

I don’t think it is. My eyes aren’t what they used to be.

(Stops, turns quickly to window)

Who in the savior’s name was that?

EDDY

Who.

SALMON

In the window. I could have sworn . . . Well, I’d believe it if I didn’t see it with my own two eyes. These things are in backwards. I thought it was you.

You see what you’ve done? I’ve lost them. I can’t speak right without those teeth.

(SALMON stands in one place, looking around for his teeth. Stops. Stares at window for a long time. Goes to it, stands peering out.)

There he was again. Christ, I’m losin it. These eyes must be playin jokes on me.

(Notices candle in cupcake.)

Say, son. You better blow that candle out or the whole place is gonna go up, with you in it. Is that how you wanna go? That how you wanna be creamated? That how you wanna be remembered? You won’t rise up from the ashes like a goddam helium chicken, let me tell you. Not very far, anyway. You know why?

EDDY

I don’t have enough breath.

SALMON

No.

(points up)

Because there’s another floor. And another, and another. Add nausea. I’ll do it.

(SALMON blows out the candle)

There.

EDDY

Is it out?

SALMON

Out as out can be. You’re safe. All quiet on the western front, son.

(resumes looking for his teeth)

Say, can you see?

EDDY (squinting)

I don’t know. Everything’s dim.

SALMON

Shit.

EDDY

Am I still inside? Or is this outside?

SALMON

I thought maybe ya could help me look.

EDDY

What did you lose?

SALMON

Nothing.

EDDY

You won’t find it.

SALMON

Nothing to be found in this place.

EDDY

Everything’s lost.

SALMON (keeps looking)

Nothing’s lost forever.

(Pause. Looks. Jumps, stares at window.)

God–Damn it! This is getting unnerving. I’m gonna take care of that.

(Looks around for something to cover window with. Eventually finds flag in desk. Hangs flag over window.)

There.

(resumes looking for teeth)

Huh. Now that’s a joke. That’s a sick joke if I ever heard one. A bad joke with no goddam punchline, is what this is.

(pause)

So where’s Joe? When’s he coming back?

EDDY

I don’t know. He’s here somewhere. He’ll turn up.

SALMON

Well he better hurry. Time’s runing out. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. The building’s on fire. Yup. Something got lit somehow in his room. Whatsisname. Creepy. And no one was there to put it out. That’s what I came to tell ya.

EDDY

I don’t smell anything.

SALMON

(still looking around for teeth)

Neither do I. Ya don’t smell nothing, ya don’t see nothing, ya don’t hear nothing, ya don’t taste nothin, ya don’t feel nothing, ya don’t say nothin. That’s life. Isn’t it? I think that’s what it is. Anyway it’s just a fire right now. But when you go up in smoke, you’ll smell it, by Cracky. It’s a sight to see, a fire that size. Heat and light like crazy, like you wouldn’t believe, and then: nothing.

(pause)

Well huh. They disappeared. I guess they just don’t want to be found. Ah, to hell with it. What difference does it make. I’m sick and tired of talking anyway.

EDDY

You could write everything down.

SALMON

I hate trying to say things.

EDDY

And if there’s nothing to say, you can write that.

SALMON

Nothing’s worth saying. There’s nothing to be said.

EDDY

(Pause. Indicating horn:)

Or you could just use one of these.

(honks a few times)

SALMON (indicating eyes)

Don’t need these marbles, either. Can just follow the voices, all the good they do me. But I’ll leave em in. I’m too tired to bother with em.

(pause)

But one thing’s sure: from now on, I’m never saying another word.

(nods quickly, as though to magically make it official)

EDDY

Until your dying day.

(Honks. Takes horn to SALMON, puts it in his hand, squeezes his hand for him, the horn honks. long silence. EDDY goes back to coffiin.)

(To parrot)

I wish I could teach you to sing Happy Birthday To Me. And then every day would feel like my birthday.

(SALMON lies down on couch)

(EDDY eats cupcake)

EDDY

I’ll tuck you in.

(EDDY takes off robe, lays it over SALMON, covering his whole body and head. SALMON does not speak or move. EDDY turns on TV.)

Here. You can fall asleep to the TV.

(From TV comes the National Anthem.)

It’s midnight!

(Grandfather clock begins to strike twelve.)

(EDDY notices New Year’s noise makers on table, picks one up. Returns, naked, with noise maker, to coffin, assumes foetal position. Makes noise with noise maker. SALMON responds with horn, from beneath robe. EDDY makes noise with noise maker. They converse. Then both make noise at once, chaotically, for a long while.)