The Parrot

A lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the sales person, “how much is the parrot cost?” “twenty quid”, says the sales person.

“What’s so special about the parrot ?” she asks…

Sales person: “This parrot can talk”,

So the lady asks the parrot, “how do I look?”

The parrot replies, “you look like a f*cking Slut?”

The lady gets pissed off and tells the sales person that it’s a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The sales person tells her to please wait for 2 minutes.

The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says, “if you disrespect the lady out there, I’ll soak you in water again” and takes the parrot back outside.

The sales person asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.

Lady: “If I come home with 1 man what would you think?”

Parrot: “He’s your husband”

Lady: “2 men”,

Parrot: “Your husband and his brother”,

Lady: “3 men”,

Parrot: “Your husband, his brother & your brother”

Lady: “4 men”,

Parrot: “Bring the f*cking bucket of water, I already told you she’s a slut!”

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A man is driving down a street and sees a sign that reads: “TALKING DOG FOR SALE — $100”, so he pulls over and gets out of his car. In the yard next to the sign sits a good-looking, medium-sized, brown dog. The man walks up to the dog and jokingly asks: “Are you the “talking dog”?

The man is surprised when the dog says, “Yep, I’m the one”. The man can’t believe that a dog just spoke to him and so he asks the dog: “Well, what’s your story?”.

The dog says that he was part of a CIA spy plan in which dogs were trained to speak English and then turned loose on enemy military bases to learn what they could, and report back to the CIA. Being dogs, they could infiltrate areas that would otherwise be impossible to access.

The dog goes on to explain that he served two years in Afghanistan and collected information on the Taliban, and even served as an artillery spotter to direct artillery fire and missiles at Taliban bases.

After that, the dog said he was assigned to Moscow and infiltrated the highest levels of the Soviet Union gathering information on the Soviets which eventually led to the downfall of the Soviet Union, and the collapse of the Berlin Wall.

The dog said that later on he was transported across the Pacific Ocean aboard a submarine and swam ashore to North Korea where he spied on the Communist leadership of that country for over a year, and then swam back to rendezvous with another submarine to be picked up and returned to Langley, Virginia where he lived at CIA headquarters.

During his time at CIA headquarters, the dog said he was used in the CIA’s Talking Dog Program where he raised several litters of talking pups who were presently serving our country on many secret assignments around the world.

Amazed at this dog’s incredible stories, the man rings the bell, and speaks to the man inside the house about the dog. He asks the owner: “Why are you selling such an incredible dog for such a low price?” The dog’s owner replies: “Hell, that dog’s a damn liar, he didn’t do half as much as he claims.”