Real Housewives of New York, S6.Ep18 – Something To Sing About

One Sentence Summary: While some relationships hit the skids, one surprising one seems to be moving forward.

My Thoughts:

I’m supposed to be outspoken. That’s my role. Deal with it.

Rachel: Well, I feel slightly reinvigorated for these women after investing a good portion of my week into catching up with them. And by reinvigorated, I mean slightly interested in seeing how this season ends. I’m also wondering when the walls are going to start coming down on Ramona’s marriage. I have an unhealthy amount of schadenfreude going on with that. I feel slightly guilty as I don’t think anyone deserves to have their trust betrayed; especially in a marriage. But I also will admit that I find Ramona to be so completely disrespectful to everyone in the world around her that I can barely muster more than a minimal feeling of pity for her. She’s horrid. I can’t help but wonder how she has any friends. But I guess as long as the paychecks are coming and the cameras are rolling, she’ll keep thinking her behavior is acceptable.

Let It Be

But I need validation and no one is giving it to me.

Rachel: Kristen & Josh are having dinner with Heather & Jonathan post-Montana. Apparently, the apology we all saw last week is no longer of interest to Kristen, who is mad all over again. This girl needs a hobby… well, one that doesn’t include holding grudges. I wonder if Jonathan knows what she said about him, because if so, he’s the one that should be pissed off. Josh isn’t feeling Kristen’s side of the story. She & I both wonder if he ever does. Seems like he exists on a healthy diet of irritation and condescension. I probably would be very sick of Kristen’s complaining by now too, he’s really doing nothing to make it any better.

Heather shows up and she says, in the end, it was a good time in Montana. That’s the take-away. Kristen, on the other hand, was not as please, but has forgiven Heather, though she won’t forget. Wait, you’ve forgiven Heather for your shit-talking on her marriage? How benevolent of you. Yeah, she was a drunken fool one afternoon in Montana, but Kristen’s reaction to it was beyond. This girl is such a pain in the ass.

Kristen would like to now publicly move on to the issues with Josh and their marriage. He’s not around enough. Heather understands it from an entrepreneur’s point of view. Jonathan thinks it’s good they’re communicating. Kristen, need I tell you, won’t let it go. She is a dog with a bone, that one. I hate to tell her that she’s not going to win this battle, so she might as well sit back and enjoy her wine. Oh and look pretty… you know she is a model, in case you haven’t been reminded enough.

Just You & I

Yeah, this is for you, Ramona. Let’s go with that.

Ramona is telling Avery about a night she & Mario have planned with Heather & LuAnn to do an open mic night. Ramona is just hoping Mario shows up LuAnn – because she couldn’t possibly just enjoy a night out without making it a competition. So, Mario can sing? This should be good. Oh, he’s going to serenade Ramona in front of all their friends. And then he’s going to leave and bang his mistress. This is hard to watch, since we’re all now aware of how much bullshit is happening in this room. Mario starts to sing and I think maybe he could use some of LuAnn’s autotune. You know the autotune he was making fun of a few minutes ago. Anyone else think Avery is the only one in on the joke?

I Hate Everything About You

Not just crazy. Bat shit crazy.

Sonja is interviewing another potential intern. Listen, as much fun as I make of her, she is a genius having all these free personal assistants taking care of her. I hope my boss doesn’t catch wind of this trick. The new potential intern is a psych major, but she better not dare try and analyze Sonja. No, Sonja prefers living in a constant state of denial. So, while the intern might not be able to do therapy on the job, she will have one helluva paper to write when she’s done. That thesis basically writes itself.

Aviva shows up mid-interview, which means the candidate is dismissed. Today’s meeting is so that Sonja can tell Aviva about the state of her reputation with the other ladies. It’s the crazy leading the crazier. And while she lets Aviva in on the secret, she also throws Ramona under the bus as being the ring leader. What happened to being soul sisters? Aviva is dumb enough to think Sonja means that they were all concerned about her. Um, no. Not so much concern. Sonja sets the record straight. They were some shit talking bitches. Aviva is offended, and to show how sick she is, takes a deep pull off that inhaler. Damn, girl could take down a whole joint in one toke. God help her neighborhood dispensary if she ever gets a prescription for medical marijuana.

Genius Of Love

There’s one for every man I’ve dated.

Carole’s house is under construction, which is somewhat of an inconvenience as she is planning her book tour with her assistant. As they stuff envelopes with her book to send to friends and colleagues, her contractor comes in and is displeased with what he sees. Carole’s too busy talking about dating Ralph Fiennes to pay attention. Who didn’t she date? I mean that in the most impressed way ever. Seriously. Her dating card reads like a who’s who of Hollywood. Mine reads like a who’s who of the emotionally stunted. Anyway, I guess there’s a change needed to the air conditioning unit. Are you really wasting my time with an AC unit? And yes, I say this realizing I’m watching the Housewives.

Shake

So, I’m going for a solid frame with a good set of handles.

Kristen, Sonja and Ramona hit up the plastic surgeon, because nothing says Girls Day Out like a little suck and tuck. Ramona is getting a procedure where the fat in her belly is getting melted away. Wait, her 15 minutes of weights in front of her bedroom mirror isn’t turning her into a fitness model? However, I approve of anything that melts fat while you lay on your back and chill. I would like someone to make me an appointment right now… and pay for it. While Ramona relaxes away the fat, the doctor, with exactly zero tact, tells Kristen she could use a brow lift. They could give her a nice arch. Kristen isn’t interested. (Let’s see if those brows are little more arched at the reunion.) Then it’s Sonja’s turn and she would like some work on her love handles… but not too much mind you. There needs to be something to hold onto when she’s getting her business handled from behind. True story.

Don’t Do Me Like That

But I’m the one putting the food on the table. Do the math on that.

Kristen is cooking for Josh and complaining the entire time. Granted, he’s already 20 minutes late, which he’s being reminded of as he gets an earful from his wife. He’s not trying to hear about sending a text message while he’s on a conference call and she’s not trying to get yelled at for asking for one if he’s going to be late. Good thing this is on speaker phone for the kids to hear. All in the name of a TV show.

Josh shows up and is still pissed off, so the arguing in front of the kids continues. Neither is willing to give an inch. Well isn’t this the most fun household ever. But Josh does manage to thank her for cooking. He says he’s grateful. And as usual, she can’t accept anything positive with a thank you. She goes right back into criticizing him. I’m not saying she’s necessarily wrong for feeling neglected. But I am saying she’s impossible to please. He says she has no right to criticize what she doesn’t know, which would be a hard day of work in an office. He thinks they need a mediator. She is thrilled they’re going to go to therapy. Good luck with that.

In other relationship news, Sonja and Harry are working their way to becoming a bonafide couple. Harry says he loves her. She loves him too. Interesting. Maybe our little Sonja has found her Prince Charming…

Too bad things don’t seem as peachy for LuAnn and Jacques. They’re doing a photo shoot with their dogs and Jacques couldn’t less want to be there. He thinks the whole thing is stupid and I’m pretty sure we’ve just seen the first cracks in the pavement for these two. And seeing as how we all know they’ve since broken up, I feel pretty confident with that assessment. Genius, that I am.

Don’t Rain On My Parade

He we go again…

It’s time for Ramona’s big debut. Sorry, Mario’s big debut… But it’s all about Ramona so it’s really her night. The other act tonight will be Heather singing back up for LuAnn. Heather says LuAnn doesn’t want to sing, so Ramona thinks Heather should sing on her own since she’s better than LuAnn anyway. Ugh, she’s just so nasty. LuAnn shows up and says it’s Mario’s night so she’s letting him have it. Needless to say, Ramona isn’t having that excuse. She tells LuAnn that she’s just scared because she doesn’t have autotune on stage. Hasn’t LuAnn sang at least 3 times sans electronic help on this show? I’m not saying Mariah Carey should be step aside, but LuAnn isn’t afraid to let it all hang out… vocally. And why does Ramona need to even say that? What is the gain here? And as if that’s not enough, she then tells LuAnn that it’s okay if she doesn’t sing. Heather’s better than her anyway, which sends her into fits of laughter. What a fucking bitch. I really wish someone would just smack the taste right out of her mouth.

It’s time for Mario to sing. He sings the song “Effortless”, about how easy it is to love her. Just have to wonder which “her” he’s really singing about as we watch a romantic montage of his life with Ramona. I’ll give it to him. He wasn’t terrible, but I also wouldn’t call that the hardest song to sing. It’s no “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” Heather is next and is actually pretty darn good. The crowd goes wild and I think Heather just won the night.

“While Ramona relaxes away the fat, the doctor, with exactly zero tact, TELLS KRISTEN SHE COULD USE A BROW LIFT. They could give her a nice arch. Kristen isn’t interested. (Let’s see if those brows are a little more arched at the reunion.)”

“Kristen isn’t interested” is Housewives-ese for “Kristen is burning with rage, and if she even attempts to converse about his comment, a medical homicide will surely be the immediate result”. So she’s keeping it bottled up. Which I assure you is NOT good news for her husband, Josh. His nightly verbal castration will be more painful than usual thanks to the tactless MD, who is clearly a medical miscreant from Kristen’s perspective. I think he’s a Messiah.

(BTW, I stumbled onto her page today because I heard a gag-inducing rumor that Kristen is BFF with Brand Grandma-Knees from RHoBH—and the person I heard it from says SHE heard it from the Witches Mouth–because it was posted on her website. So I had to check it out.

Which begs the question WHO THE F PUTS THE “ABOUT ME” TAB AS THE FIRST TABN ON THEIR WEBSITE?

Wouldn’t that spot usually belong to “Home”? Oh-right. I forgot that this is HER–and she is afraid we will forget it’s ABOUT her if she doesn’t put the ABOUT ME tab front and center (well technically front and left because that’s the “first” position).

Her ABOUT ME reads like a Connecticut Princess tale, because it IS so cool to be from Connecticut right? And although she espouses that her husband and her children are SO important to her, and they are SO happy, there isn’t a single GD picture of any of them ANYWHERE on the ENTIRE WEBSITE. Well, I suppose it is HER WEBSITE. right?

You really should check it out. But NOT while drinking milk. I especially almost puked when I saw the side view shot of Kristen, looking like a cackling, beaver-headed ninny muggins. Which, btw, is not an attractive look. This shot should get her exactly ZERO modeling assignments.

Okay kids, small detour there, back to the Medical Epiphany segment–Instead of suggesting some artfully placed Botox, which we ALL know WILL give you a gentle brow lift, the wise-old Doc (my new best friend) goes right to the kill-shot…..by letting her know that in essence she is waaaay past being helped by Botox, and the only thing that’s going to LIFT that pissy, heavy cro-magnon brow is a KNIFE. Oh sweet Karma how I adore you……(using my sing-song voice)……

I’m off to see my Show Cobbler, who may or may not be able to get this ungodly milk out of my handbag!!!!

Okay. I’m on board with your ewwww Kristen rant. Here is how one deals with such people as that plastic surgeon however. One says, “Thanks for your input and unsolicited advice doc, but I will be having another surgeon work on me. I will be giving him my money, business, and tv plugs. I don’t want a nasty insulting miserable little bitch like you anywhere near my face with a knife. Goodbye.” That’s how one deals with such a miscreant. Immediately on the bitch; not taking personal insult and festering rage back home to the family. As for Ramona- simply a C U next Tuesday. Period. And, as a classically trained professional singer, I can give some insight into the singing portion of the show. But, on the record, I muted the tv while Mario sang; I didn’t want to hurl. There is a difference between really singing and talking in notes. Lu Ann doesn’t sing; she talks and slurs notes without resonating and projection. It’s the same thing children do at school recitals. Heather, on the other hand, sang. She couldn’t sustain a note on key most of the time but it didn’t matter that she wasn’t a good singer. She was a damn good entertainer. Many opera-trained singers like myself who’ve performed onstage take quite a while to build up the balls and confidence that Heather has. Perfect-pitch voices that were once timid compared to Heather who hasn’t a beautiful voice but can rip the roof off the place :-))) You go girl.

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We take the best parts of some bad tv, break ‘em down over a few glasses of vino (funny flows better when wine flows freely) and share them with you so you don’t have to waste hours of your life watching on your own. You're welcome.

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