HOW DO ARMBAR? Day 1: Bullshidoan Dawn

For a long time, you little shits have been begging us to do a column where we lafftastically dissect the follies of others. This has lead to much consternation, as we are loathe to think of ourselves as the judgemental GIT OFF MAH INTERNET type of people who feel the need to facerape others for having geeky hobbies (ZACK PARSONS, I'M LOOKING AT YOU, YOU USELESS PIECE OF ****).

Nevertheless, we will make an exception for the LARPing that dare not speak it's name martial arts. HOW DO ARMBAR? will be a regular column where our agents bring back choice morsels of Martial dorking.

Our first presentation concerns the all-karate forums, and boy what a magical trip it's been.

Without any further delay, LETS BEGIN DE GOZAIMASU

This guy is probably the sort of person who asks what to do if he's tied up and being interrogated by the Contras themselves, then gets pissy when his instructor replies with anything more than five syllables and/or the magic beans he was sold do not turn Coronel Salazar into a butterfly.

This will be the first of many instances where h2whoa displays an almost antique perception of what actually works. It's like a relic from an earlier, simpler time when teenagers still went to malt shops on dates and the word "Gracie" was almost always followed by "Allen" rather than "HATE HURT SNURFGURLSNARGLENOTREALMARTIALARTIST".The fact that he thinks he's innovative makes this even more adorable.

The use of a cutesy phrase like "Big, bad world" is a dead giveaway.

The emphatic reintroduction in all caps...It just totally makes this post for me.
If only we could make YOU WILL RELEASE! into the new "all your base"...Ah, what a crazy dreamer I am.

They shoulda...sent...a...poet...

Next, Major Kusanagi will take control of my body and force me to kill the rest of my insurgent cell with my bare hands.

ARE WE GRAPPLE YET?

The point of Karate is to not work?

Goju-ryu: When you absolutely, positively must kick someone in the gooch.

THE GOOCH WILL DESTROY YOU!

At higher levels of Kenpo training, one learns to see the unity of all space and time using the metaphor of the three blind men and the elephant and heavy doses of Ed Parker's dead but still fully roused cockjagermeister the spice.

I had no idea that "vagina" could be a verb AND an adjective until I heard this guy vagina his way through a class that was so vagina, his uniform was not yet vagina soft.

Here, "oldguy" managed to stretch this long period of vagina out for four months.

GLORIUM PATRUM SHOTOKAN

It must be completely impossible to hang out at this guy's house. "Hey, where's the beers man?"
"In that cooler. You know, the one behind the REVERSE PUNCH KIAI!"

IN JUST SEVEN DAYS, JESUS-SENSEI CAN MAKE YOU A MA~AA~A~AN!

This kid's "Sensei" really, really hates him.
Also, note that he is a 12 year old black belt.

No, celticcrippler. No you will not. You will, however, slightly increase the likelihood of any legitimate publisher buying your manuscript for "Way of a white Samurai: a self insertion story of a young man's journey from life's bad bitch to humble master of Kenpo-Karate-Juku-Kai-Shin-Do-Jutsu" from -25% (Houghton-Mifflin puts a bounty on your head) to 5% (the editor in chief may one day blow his nose on it), after suitable edits.

Does this mean that giving away the deadly fighting secrets of Karate or becoming the mythical Karate-equipped bully is equivalent to spilling hundreds of tons of Exxon-Valdez crude into the water near the Aleuts?

Obligatory disclaimer: The humor contained here is not neccesarily the humor of the bullshido staff or administration, nor is it neccesarily an attack on your fighting abilities. You could do eight hours of knockdown karate a day, YOU WILL RELEASE would still be rofflerific.

Captions by me, Hedgehogey. Thanks to Osiris for capturing and uploading the screencaps.