Henry Hill: Good (Dead)Fella

Somewhere, UNITED STATES: Henry Hill, the Mafioso man and FBI informant whose sordid life the Martin Scorsese film, Good Fellas, was based on, died on June 12th at the age of 69.

Mr. Hill’s partner for the last 14 years of his life, Lisa Caserta, said Hill recently suffered a heart attack before his death and that he died of complications from longtime heart problems. She also noted that his heart was broken after watching an episode of “Mob Wives” and “didn’t have the strength to go and whack those dumb bimbos.”

On his death bed, Mr. Hill apologized for some of his sins and strongly hinted at the cause of Robert De Niro’s apartment in New York City recently catching fire:

“Let me tell ya. Robert—who was in talks with Paul Brett, the executive producer of The King’s Speech to star and co-executive produce a sequel called The Prince’s Speech, was having trouble with Paul. See, now the guy’s got Paulie as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Paulie. Trouble with the bill? He can go to Paulie. Trouble with the cops, he can call Paulie. But now the guy’s gotta come up with Paulie’s money every week, no matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, pay me. And then finally, when there’s nothing left, when Robert couldn’t borrow another buck from the bank or buy another case of booze, he bust the joint out. He lit a match on his apartment. And Robert got the insurance money—then got David Geffen to gladly whack Paulie.”

As requested, Mr. Hill’s body was stabbed repeatedly in the trunk of a car then buried in a desolated area by two men in pinstriped suits who refused to identify themselves on the grounds that their answer might incriminate themselves.