Positive thoughts on my life.

June 2012

06/29/2012

I am on a mission to clean the house today because my dad is coming and I don't want him to see how bad I have been slacking off lately. I have a lot to do to make it look like I am on top of things and not a total loser. I have to admit that I have been working on the kitchen for an hour and I am pretty excited that the counters are cleaned off and it looks sort of fresh. I have been missing that. I might even mop the floor! So today I am busy....and looking forward to seeing my dad and Jo. Have a good day, People!! Peace and Love!!

06/28/2012

Of sitting...with nothing to do. I have been waiting for tomorrow to come for a week now. It sucks. I get possession of the new house tomorrow. I can move some boxes tomorrow. I can clean my kitchen tomorrow and maybe the rest of my house. It has been ten years since I moved. There comes a point while packing where ya just say "screw it" and sit in a mess. Right? Mentally, I have moved. Physically, I am stuck here....in a mess. I have been sleeping a lot. It makes the time pass faster. This morning I am sitting on the deck, drinking coffee. It's times like these when I wonder what the hell I have done. I love the solitude. This morning all I can hear is the AC running though so I am sure when I get the bill for that, I will be delighted with my decision. And I am sure when I am push mowing the yard I will be delighted too....and when I am hauling the trash barrell two feet to the curb, also. There are many reasons why I will be delighted with my decision. Although it was made in haste, it was a good one. I think. So this is the last day of waiting. I will not be sleeping. I am going dress shopping with Emily! and my friend Melissa! Heading into Kansas City to try on wedding dresses. That should be fun. I remember when my mom and I went to get my dress. I chose the first one I saw. It had a huge ridiculous hat. I loved it. Really, the whole thing was huge and lacey and ridiculous. That hat was insane. I sit here and wonder "what the hell was I thinking' about that, too. I think I may wonder that a lot. I guess I make a lot of decisions in haste and always have. That's me, I guess. The good thing is, most of the time, everything works out just fine. I am gonna focus on that today......I am in a good spot. Enjoy your day! Stay cool.

06/27/2012

06/26/2012

I take possession of the new house on Friday. I'm a little bit excited. I'm super excited about not having to haul the trash to this curb any more. It's a long driveway. As I sit outside drinking my coffee this morning, I am contemplating what exactly I can haul down there today....and wishing I had a truck or my minivan to drive some things down there. I love trash day.....and the day before trash day. Ok. I am just enjoying the purge. It feels good. You know what else feels good? Reading a book. That is what I have been doing. So the book i am reading is slightly...um, nasty. I am excited that I have regained my attention span enough to pay attention and stay on track with the reading but the contents of the story? Pure smut. Truly. So much so that I admit I have skipped several pages because I am bored with continually reading the sex scenes. I just skip over those parts until they get back to the storyline. A friend of mine and I want to read a book together.....maybe a classic novel with a brilliant story line with interesting characters full of suspense and adventure and maybe a tad bit of romance. Any ideas? We want to read a story that would lead to great discussions. The book I am currently reading is not that kind of book. In fact, it is the kind of book that you just want to hide when other people are around and never admit that you ever read it. I am blushing admitting it to you. SO!! I need suggestions on what to read next......hmmm. What else is good? Well, I woke up early enough to go for a walk before it gets too hot! I have creamer for my coffee! you know? Coffee just doesn't taste good without the creamer. I don't really have anything else today. It's a beautiful morning. I'm going walking....then hauling.....then reading. I may actually cook dinner tonight. My kids would like that. What's on your agenda?? Whatever it is, Enjoy!

06/23/2012

which usually means rain is to follow or a storm is coming, right? followed by a calm? It is actually thundering outside but I have been hearing thunder for awhile now. Not just the past year but for several. I have things I want to do and changes I want to make and just stuff running through my head. Not core changes to my basic self but to make life easier and more interesting for me. I have been a mother for 28 years. Being the mother to my children has been my greatest joy. We have lived a fun chaotic wonderful existence together. I have not sacrificed a thing to be the person I am to those kids. I love them so much. One of the things about raising a family is that at some point, the kids grow up and they go out into the world and make a life for themselves. It is fun for me to watch them grow and go and do. That is what they are supposed to do. As they have grown, I have been also. That's what people do. They grow, evolve, develop. It's easy for me to push that away because I would rather just take care of my flock. At some point, they won't need me as much and I will be left to entertain myself. It's not a bad thing. I am not complaining or whining or anything. It could be a good thing, in fact. I am shocked at how easy it has been to transition into being alone since Kevin died. I'm no longer scared when I am in the house alone. I'm not scared to go to sleep. I have been scared of being alone my entire life. I have been scared of the dark. Scared of something horrible happening. Just scared, in general. I don't know why I have been that way. I'm not now. Maybe it's because I have realized that I am not the one who is in control. Maybe I have realized that I am capable. Maybe I have enough rage pent up that I know I could beat the shit out of an intruder. Whatever it is, I'm happy about it. Fear is stifling. So as I take on this move, I look at it as a fresh start. Applying all the desires I have been dreaming up in my head. A friend of mine said something like...it's not like you are gonna move into the new house and your life is magicaly going to change. I beg to differ. I think it will. It's no secret that I knew it was a mistake to move into this house shortly after we moved in. We tried to sell it 2 years later. That was 10 years ago. Ten years of trying so hard to make this place the place we were supposed to be that it became an uncontrollable mess.... a giant fail. I'm not talking only about a physical mess either....although I do think you can tell a lot about a person by the physical mess that they live in. When I am alone in this space, I feel a sense of lost hopes and dreams and just plain failure. When I am in the kitchen with my kids and we are laughing ang hootin and hollerin? That is a different story....but we can have those great times elsewhere. I am leaving room for those times in my new house. It has a great space for hootin and hollerin. I wouldn't have felt it was the right place for us if it didn't. So as I pack up this shit that we have accumulated over the years, I look at it as the thunder before the storm, before the calm. And I do think my friend is wrong. I can magically have a new life. My new home can be whatever I make it. Fresh and new and simple and mine.

Ok. I just walked into the kithcen to make more coffee. I may be living in the storm right now. Yikes.

06/22/2012

Yesterday I spilled my guts to you about life and deep feelings and hopes and dreams and then lost all of it when I tried to publish. I was a tad bit bummed out. It was an amazing blogpost. I'm sorry you missed it. It took me almost an hour and a half to write. I had been inspired during my morning walk. I guess the good thing is that I know what I wrote and it was inspiring to me. All is well in my soul. The main gyst was sharing a daily mantra that a friend gave to me a few weeks ago. Posted on my fridge are these words:

Action is hard

and

words come easy.

I think this person was tired of hearing me ramble on and on about what I am going to do and then not doing any of it. Yesterday, I took it to heart. It's like my superhero cape took sail and I was all like...."I can do this!" So today? I am doing! Well, I did sleep in until 10:30. but only because I stayed out til 2 with Reggie. We went to a concert and had a blast. Oh, and I am going swimming for a bit but after that? Ya, I am totally "doing". Speaking actions instead of words! yay!

06/18/2012

Sleep alone. See? I'm on one side of the bed and on the other?? My computer, a hairbrush, some lotion, a kindle, and a pile of laundry. There isn't room for a person. And guess what? There is no snoring. It's not unbearably bad. :) good night!

Well, I have found an excuse for not getting anything done for the next couple of days. I have injured my back. Yep. Somewhere low....and the pain shoots down both f my legs and up into my neck! The good thing is that the point where it is actually injured is numb today so I can't feel the pain like I did yesterday. I keep forgetting that my body is getting old so I keep doing things that apparently I will have to pay a price for. I know from experience that after a few days of rest, I will be back to normal. The good thing is I am still reading my book. Now I am on book two of the trilogy so I don't mind sitting in one spot.....my mind is taking me on the adventures and I enjoy the fact that I finally am able to concentrate on one thing for short periods of time. It is progress, People. My attention span is returning. Hurray! OK. Guess what? I have a coffee date this morning! With Melissa. I have missed her. We don't hang out as much since the kids our on summer break....so we made a date! And then I'll probably have to hang out in a large body of water...It's summer and fortunately, I can do that. Peace and Love, People!!

06/17/2012

The truth is kale tastes like crap. So I ate a half a watermelon for breakfast and juiced the rinds to add to the nutrient rich leaf drink. I also added 2 beets and a bag of carrots. It's delicious! I walked this morning although I didn't want to and now I am sitting on the deck in the sun drinking my juice and thinking about my dad whom I love. It's Father's Day. And a beautiful day! The birds are singing! There is a lot to sing about, I suppose. Like my Dad and all the wise words he has given to me throughout my life....and his smile and hugs. I could sing about my kids who are still sleeping, my legs that allow me to walk, my friends who bring me happiness. Today I could sing about being privileged in this life....never in need of food or shelter or anything really. I could sing about the joy I feel most of the time and my ability to focus on what is positive. There are so many things I could sing about and a lot I wouldnt want to. Life isn't always simple and easy for me. But the plusses far outweigh the minuses. I get that. I'll tell you one thing I will never sing about. It's kale. It's just gross. Enjoy your beautiful day, People. Peace.

06/15/2012

I'm at the hair salon and my hairdresser is a no show. It's an understatement to say I am disappointed. I was pretty excited about getting it fixed. What should I feel? Anger? Fury? Self pity? Empathy? Maybe something happened to her or a family member rather than what is running through my mind right now....she's at home oversleeping. Wasting my time. Shoot. This morning driving to town, I was singing in the car and having a great time with myself. I looked out the rearview mirror and a girl was tailgating me. She was very close. It was irritating. I slowed down. Why does everyone have to be in such a damn hurry? After a few miles, I got pissed. So I swerved onto the shoulder of the road to let her pass me. Then I got on her ass. I was not happy. I think I scared her because because she started passing cars on the shoulder of the road. I assume to get away from me. I enjoyed that. When we turned a corner I sped up to get behind her and she abruptly turned at the first corner and sped off. I hope she got lost. See? I took out all my anger for the day on her! And now I'm not really irritated and Julie just called and is on her way so I won't have to scare the crap out of her too. Lucky her!
Ok! Enjoy your day!!