Over Before It Even Started

Moving here and being newly married, I thought I’ll finally be able to let the wild party girl in me out. My mom wouldn’t be around to tell me how inappropriate going home in the early morning is, or how girls shouldn’t drink as much as guys, or how I should think of what impression I give boys when I’m always out in bars. The husband is the turn up kinda person so it all seemed promising. Promising was all it was cause when I got her the husband was on TAD (temporary assigned duty) so he only had every other weekend off, he still does. Aside from the alternating weekend off, he also has a 12 hour work day so he spent most of his off in bed asleep. On weekends we usually stayed home and just watch movies. Then when we were starting to get into the routine of going out, I found out I was pregnant.

Last night was the first time I gone out with friends ever since finding out I was pregnant and having Liam. It was all last minute. We had dinner with friends and everyone else started talking out staying out for drinks. The husband had work the next day so he was out but he did push for me to go with our friends. I was half hearted about going cause I didn’t want to leave Liam with him knowing that he was tired from work and I was sure he’d fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He’s such a heavy sleeper that I doubt he’ll wake when Liam cries. Everyone else started ganging up on me, I caved.

When we got to the first bar, I was already counting the hours before it’ll be acceptable to leave. Such a kill joy, I know. It feels so weird to be out in a bar when I know my kid is alone with his dad who needs sleep cause he has work at 3 am. If the husband didn’t have work and could afford to stay up with Liam, I would have gladly stayed out till morning.

The thing about the bars here is that it’s not for married women. It’s not for women at all. They’re all designed to be appealing and enjoyed by the men. I shouldn’t have expected any less given that the bars were right across the base. It’s hard not to notice everything that’s happening around you when you’re there and if you’re like me, it’ll get to you. It will make the night less enjoyable. I mean we were there with our friends, the husband’s friends who became my friends, and servers would come up to them acting all obvious of their intentions. If you’re a wife, the things you see will give you all sorts of anxiety.

By the time we moved to our next bar, I was beyond ready to go home. Not only because it was almost midnight but also because it was the bar where one of the girls who are too friendly with my husband worked at. I took one last shot and asked the husband to pick me up.

I’m so proud of my husband for sacrificing his sleep just so I could have a little breather. I’m even more proud that he was able to put Liam to sleep. During a regular night, he’d fall asleep before Liam finished his bottle. I feel guilty for causing him sleep when he had work early the next morning but I still I appreciate what he did. No matter how much fun the night out was the coming home part was the one I enjoyed most. I know it was only a few hours but it felt longer.

If last night was any indication of how it would be from now on every time I’ll choose to go out and leave him with someone, I’m not looking forward to the next time. Every moment I spent away from him made me feel guilty for leaving him home like I was a bad mom for choosing to go out rather than be with him. It also didn’t help that every time I checked the time on my phone I see him smiling at me. Ohhh motherhood.