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Now that I’m in my mid-twenties, I’ve decided it would behoove me to get a Bachelor’s degree. I already have two AA’s, just from dicking around at community college, but AA’s are basically worthless if you aren’t trying to be a receptionist. I’m taking all the transferable courses I can at community college before I apply for a four-year, and right now I’m in English 1B. I am having the damnedest time writing my essays. I’ve trained myself out of over analyzing things through the years. I’ve found that, for me, too much analyzing springs the trapdoor that stands between me and a pit of depression. I also stopped trying to convince people I’m right all the time. I’ll provide the evidence, and let people draw their own conclusions. I mean, I’ll go on angry, opinion-filled rants, but I don’t expect you to believe any of what I say. I’m just blowing off steam.

Unfortunately, my being this way is not conducive to A work in English 1B. They want me to interpret things and convince people of shit. I am completely out of my element. I really thought my paper had been well-written, with strong arguments, and no loose ends, but the teacher wrote back that I needed to interpret things more and gave me a C. So, I did some revisions, and now I think my paper is gross.

Maybe you don’t know what I mean by this. Let me give you an example. A girl and a boy are talking.

Boy: My band is playing on Saturday.

Girl: I love bands. I haven’t been to a show in forever.

Boy: You should come. It’s at such-and-such a venue.

Girl: Sounds great!

Boy: It’s a $10 cover. Make sure you tell them you’re there to see band name.

Girl: Of course.

Boy leaves.

Girl: Oh em gee, he invited me to a show! That probably means he likes me! I mean, guys don’t just invite girls to shows unless they’re into them. But wait, he is playing at the show he invited me to. That means he just wants as many people as possible at the show, and I’m not special. I mean, he could want to show off his musical skills, and that’s why he invited me. He could be too shy to ask me on a real date. But he didn’t offer to put me on the guest list. He probably put his guy friends on the guest list, but that means that he cares more about his guy friends than about trying to score with me. Oh my God, not only is he not interested in dating me, he is not even interested in trying to have sex with me. Oh my God, he thinks I’m not hot. I mean, if he thought I was hot, even though the guest list was full he would have offered to pay. Oh my God, maybe he put a girl he is trying to score with on the guest list. He only thinks of me as an ugly friend. I should bring one of my guy friends to show I don’t care. Also, I can see if it makes him jealous. If he does, then maybe he does like me, and I can over analyze THAT, too.

My paper is the girl in this situation. It makes me sick. I want my paper to be the kind of girl who has that conversation and thinks, “This means I’m going to watch cute boys play instruments on Saturday,” not all of that other crap. Apparently, all of that other crap is what I need to be putting in my paper.

I guess I just need to learn to separate the two kinds of analyzing, so I can start writing really annoying papers and getting A’s.