Where Anxiety Ensues & Entertains

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Since I was born, my mother took out a life insurance policy for me in the event that something should happen to me and they needed money for burial procedures. (morbid first sentence, I’m sorry.) I’m sure this was a smart move on her behalf from all the trouble I got into as a kid: Bitten in the face by a dog, needed stitches on my forehead from being accidentally hit with a metal bat, almost drowned in a pool at a campground, went outside in my PJs at night alone in search of my parents, etc. But now, I recently got a job that pays our own life insurance and has a better pay out if (god forbid) something happens to me. Thus, I no longer need my childhood policy.

My Mom gave me the task of calling to cancel it. (This was at least 2 months ago) I have still not done so because every time I go to pick up the phone to do it I think, with my bad luck, I’ll do this and something will happen to me soon after. I do not wish to be responsible for an asteroid hurtling towards earth, a zombie apocalypse, or a nuclear war, just because I was trying to cancel my life insurance policy.

Last night I finally got around to watching the movie Mr.Nobody and I caught something that was said that pertains to how I think about making decisions.

“You have to make the right choice. As long as you don’t choose, everything is possible.” – Nemo Nobody

I’m not a believer in destiny, or soul mates for that matter. I believe every decision you make will lead you to who you will love, what you will do, and where you will end up. I don’t believe that my choices are already predetermined by some higher being or that certain things were fate. I do however believe in luck and inevitable universal truths.

I have a hard time making decisions about almost anything because I’m afraid I could have had a better outcome. Thus, usually after finally making a choice, I immediately think I should have chosen differently. I’m pretty sure this has to do with my anxiety and my fear of not being in control.

So for laughs, I decided to google ways to deal with indecision. Here is what I got, and what I thought while reading them:

1. “Both Options Can Work” – Umm, not always. Maybe when deciding where to eat, but if I chose to get in 1 subway car instead of another, and there is a madman lurking on it, that is definitely not a decision I can work with.

2. “Speak With a Friend” – Why? So they will think I’m crazy too when it takes me an hour to decide between a burger or chicken nuggets at McDonalds? Although I have to say, it is easier to force someone else to make your decision for you so you have someone to blame for your unhappiness later…it honestly makes you feel better.

3. “Listen to your emotions” – No problem. I will keep a flask of vodka with me at all times. Usually after a few drinks I end up choosing to eat things like Macaroni and Cheese pizza at 2am and to walk barefoot around NYC. (both true stories) Those were choices made purely off emotions. “I’m hungry, My feet hurt, etc.”

4. “Flip a coin” – This is actually not a bad idea but in the opposite way that it is intended. Usually whatever “fate” chooses, I find myself wanting the other. However, if I do end up going with what the coin chooses, and it doesn’t work out for the better, I’m going to assume the universe hates me.

I think my fear of decision making is also because of my past bad decisions. For starters, I shouldn’t have decided to get a kitten in only two weeks time. He is now a full grown cat and with every day that he grew older I remembered…I hate cats. There are moments where I do love him…but the majority of the time I kick myself for making a stupid decision that attacks me constantly and smells up the house.

I’ve also made some poor job decisions in the past, bad love interest choices, and have gotten myself into some stupid messes as a teenager. But I guess all of those choices have inevitably led me to where I am now, which is happy. So why change my indecisive nature? It’s obviously worked out for me so far.

Just to pull you all in and make you feel like you have anxiety/paranoia like me, I’ve decided to list some of the silly things most people do or think about on a daily basis that I relate to. As you go through this list and see some things that you have done, don’t think of yourself as being a paranoid, think of yourself as being normal. Everyone has those days where their anxiety is kicked up a notch. It’s just humorous to sit back and observe why we do certain things.

Go into bathroom but look behind the shower curtain first to be sure there are no murders lurking behind it.

While showering, don’t close your eyes for too long because when you open them, murderer will be there waiting.

Just came down with a horrible cough…oh my god I wonder if it could be cancer.

Don’t let your foot hang off the bed at night, the monsters will grab it.

Lock door, check 100 times throughout the night to make sure it is still locked.

Watch a scary movie. Afterwards, being in the mindset that suddenly now all those bad things will happen to you.

Elevator door doesn’t immediately open and your mind goes straight to being trapped or falling to your death.

Driving home after having one beer three hours ago…I’m going to get a DUI.

Send mean text about someone. Then check 50 times to make sure you didn’t send it to that person by mistake.

Hear footsteps in the hall at night. It’s robbers.

Phone rings at 2am. Oh god, someone died.

Mom’s late coming home and isn’t answering her cell phone. I’m going to assume she’s dead.

Someone posts on your Facebook wall but you have to wait a little while to respond or they’ll think you have no life.

Gotta take a drug test. Even though I don’t do drugs, I’ll worry anyway that they will find something.

Wake up before alarm goes off. Assume your alarm didn’t work and your late now.

For more everyday anxieties, google Paranoid Parrot. You will get tons of them. He is me in cartoon form. 🙂

While having my morning work ritual of reading online news stories, one caught my interest. It was an article announcing that in the next month it may be possible that slaughterhouses will begin to produce horse meat or “Basashi” as it’s known in Japan. This made me nervous for two reasons: #1 Because of the role horses have played as companions and as workers, it is a taboo food source in some cultures. This makes me wonder if someday in the future, dogs will be considered food in the US as well. Why not? That last statement pertains to your family pet or a seeing eye dog too. And #2 What if I end up loving horse meat??

I am an animal lover. I am however not a vegetarian. I get by eating meat by creating an elaborate story in my head of how this cow or pig or bird was an asshole. That they were the Hitler’s of their animal world and I am doing the rest of the animals a favor by devouring them. I’m telling you, it works. Next time you feel bad about eating that cheeseburger, just picture that cow picking on other defenseless cows. Cow tipping teenages? Hell no, it was this jerk in my hand that’s smothered in cheese.

Certain animals I just can’t picture being evil and this is where it gets hard to eat them. For example, I am so thankful that I do not like lamb. Tried it once and will never have it again, not a fan. Thank god though, because how can I picture this being evil??

My downfall though is veal. Damn you veal for being so delicious! I rarely eat it though, but when I have no choice, I just do it. I used to eat veal all the time when I was younger. My parents never told me what it was. When I would ask what kind of meat it was, they would tell me cow. My smart parents, they didn’t technically lie. When I got older I was told what veal really was. I remember wanting to cry and throw it all back up and shape it back into the poor creatures that I had so selfishly feasted on. For those of you that are unaware of what veal is, it is the meat of young cows (calves) that are kept in hutches, which keeps them isolated and restricts movement to prevent connective tissue from developing, as the taste of veal raised in this manner is considered desirable. So basically baby cows get taken from their mothers, stuffed in crates so they can’t develop correctly, and then are killed. DAMN YOU TASTE BUDS!

So on top of these meats (as well as being worried that I am eating cat when I order from Chinese restaurants) now I have to worry about eating horses. I love horses, they are gentle and graceful. Black Beauty, Seabiscuit, no! What’s even worse is I looked up what horse meat tastes like. It’s apparently slightly sweet, tender, low in fat and high in protein. Great, I’ll probably love it.

No wonder I am anxiously nervous about everything, it probably stems from my Mother being the same way. I went home to visit her this weekend and she must have given me at least three new things to worry about.

The first is that she hates going to Chinese Buffets because she is afraid that little kids try food and spit it out back into the tray, touch the food with their hands, and/or sneezes in it. You better believe that next time I go to a Chinese Buffet (which I normally love by the way) I will be thinking about what my mother told me. If any little kids are near me getting food by themselves I will probably have a mini panic attack. I’ll just stick to eating the vegetable dishes…little kids kryptonite.

The second was that if I get a puppy, I will no longer have a life. I reminded her that she has “getting a puppy” mixed up with “having a baby”. She then continued to tell me that the vet bills are ridiculous, you will never get to travel and that you always have to make sure someone is there to let the dog out. I told her that I had answers to all of her puppy having issues and said that I was never going to be able to give her grandchildren if I didn’t know how to take care of something else first. She quickly stopped her puppy debate. Score one for me, but now I have all these cons of having a puppy in my head when I was only focused on this super cute pro:

Lastly, she told me that our dog has not liked being in the basement lately. To the average person this would not seem like a big deal but to me I see it as something evil is living downstairs and my dog feels it’s presence. On top of this, I often have to sleep in my basement when there is a full house and not I will most likely freak myself out with thoughts of the Paranormal Activity movies. Going to be a fun holiday weekend!

I will be returning home in a few days to celebrate the Thanksgiving weekend with her. I’m sure I will have new phobias to write about on here after my visit.

I’m going to start drawing cartoons or taking pictures of my own cat to give me a sort of cartoon/comic book alias in my blog posts. What better character to be then a “scaredy cat”? For now I will steal from Google:

I’ll update this post with drawing’s or pictures when I figure out how I want to go about it. 🙂