Freebsd Fortunes 4

Fortune: 421 - 430 of 2327 from Freebsd Fortunes 4

Freebsd Fortunes 4: 421 of 2327

"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
called me again."
-- Stephen Wright

Freebsd Fortunes 4: 422 of 2327

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
-- Steven Wright

Freebsd Fortunes 4: 423 of 2327

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
wearing masks for.
-- James Boren

Freebsd Fortunes 4: 424 of 2327

I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
-- Steven Wright

Freebsd Fortunes 4: 425 of 2327

I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
-- Steven Wright

Freebsd Fortunes 4: 426 of 2327

I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
-- Butch Cassidy

Freebsd Fortunes 4: 427 of 2327

I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
puppet.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

Freebsd Fortunes 4: 428 of 2327

I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

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I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
win -- or even how you won.
-- Cash McCall

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I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
-- Hal Clement