For nearly a century, Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity, known as AEPI or “the Jewish frat,” has been a distinguished powerhouse in collegiate Greek life. UCSB’s very own chapter of AEPI is revered as one of the top fraternities on campus, boasting the third highest collective GPA and largest in-house supply of babaganoush out of the entire Isla Vista Greek system. Their dedication to promoting Jewish culture makes them one of the most philanthropic and well respected fraternities in California, and besides some friendly social competition, their reputation has so far gone unchallenged—until now.

Earlier this school year, a group of male Palestinian students came together to form UCSB’s first Palestinian fraternity, hoping to finally end what they describe as the “tyrannical inter-fraternity oppression of Alpha Epsilon Pi.” The Palestinians dubbed their fraternity راعي البقر and elected fourth year Middle East studies major Amir al-Faruqi their president. In just a few months, they amassed an impressive 48 brothers of various Palestinian backgrounds.

“راعي البقر ‘s mission is to promote the welfare and culture of Palestinian students by giving them a unique gateway into the Greek system,” al-Faruqi told reporters. “We also want to show UCSB that we can party just as hard as they can, and we can do it without alcohol, bacon, or premarital sex. Challenge accepted.”

After a tremendous fundraising campaign that included hookah sales, beard trimmings, and an oud-ensemble concert, راعي البقر purchased and moved into their first fraternity house. Unfortunately, the Isla Vista housing market afforded them few options, and the brotherhood had no choice but to move into an old recreational building adjacent to and previously owned by AEPI.

“We put that playhouse on the market because the stripper poles collapsed and half the second floor fell in,” said AEPI president Lenny Oldenburg. “If we knew a bunch of god damn Palestinians were going to move in there, I would have just gotten my dad’s construction business to demolish the place.”

راعي البقر responded to AEPI’s vocal opposition of their existence by throwing their first formal for Sigma Alpha Epsilon Pi, the corresponding Jewish sorority to AEPI. راعي البقر representatives described this formal as “a perfect ‘fuck you’ to AEPI” and “fascinating evidence of Jewish women’s preference of Arabs over men of their own race.” AEPI interpreted the party as the first strike in what would become the most embittered frat conflict UCSB’s Greek system has ever seen.

“They clearly wanted a war, so we gave them one,” AEPI Sergeant-at-Arms Daniel Kowalski told reporters while filling water balloons with urine. “Ever since that formal, every time they hit us, we hit them twice as hard, and then it just kinda escalated from there.”

The conflict reached a new level when a prank involving cherry bombs in the راعي البقر plumbing resulted in the thorough destruction of their fraternity house. Fortunately, AEPI’s prank took place during Jumu’ah, or the Muslim day of prayer, ensuring that the راعي البقر house was empty; save for Ali Massad, who abstained from participation in Friday prayer after finally caving into his unbearable desire to masturbate.

“Ali got what he deserved,” said Massad’s roommate, Rashid Mashala. “May the fires of Jahannam eviscerate his soul.”

After searching unsuccessfully for a replacement house, AEPI begrudgingly allowed the Palestinians to settle in their cramped, filthy basement after the Office of Greek Life threatened them with probation for destroying the راعي البقر house. This awkward living arrangement did not put an end to the conflict, however. AEPI brothers used their increased proximity to the Palestinians to double their pranking efforts. Examples of their shenanigans included filling the basement with hummus, hiring strippers to tempt the most conservative brothers into sin, and rubbing bikini cream in their facial hair as they slept. راعي البقر countered by programming every television in the house to play Schindler’s List on a continuous loop every night, inducing nightmares and panic attacks in many AEPI brothers. But the final straw in the conflict came when AEPI began using the allocated راعي البقر basement space for new brothers who wished to stay in the house.

“There’s barely any room in the basement now that the Jews have begun settling in there,” complained al-Faruqi. “My brothers are sleeping three to a bed now, which has helped some of them discover their homosexuality. I’ve already had to execute five of them.”

راعي البقر considers the occupation of their cramped living quarters as the last straw in what has already been a fierce battle of fraternities, so they decided to hit the Jews where it would hurt most—their wallets. The Palestinians began a petition that called for a school-wide boycott of all local businesses that supported AEPI with fundraisers. Sam’s to Go owner and frequent AEPI sponsor Mehrdad Shamshiri expressed his frustration with this initiative to reporters.

“As an Iranian, I fully support the Palestinian cause and despise the oppressive Zionist regime of Israel,” said Shamshiri, “But if those Arab motherfuckers start taking away from my business, I’ll fire rockets at them myself.”

Unfortunately for راعي البقر, most students have ignored their cry for AEPI’s financial destruction, including second year Amelia Rawson. “AEPI does a lot of fundraisers at Sweet Alley, and I can’t stop eating there,” said Rawson, asking reporters, “Have you ever eaten Sweet Alley fro-yo before? It’s like angel cum.” Rawson went on to include South Coast Deli, Pita Pit, and Rosarito’s as restaurants she would continue to frequent despite the Palestinians’ dilemma.

Despite the disappointing response of the student body, al-Faraqi hasn’t given up hope. He believes that one day, UCSB students will boldly refuse to eat mediocre, overpriced fast food in the name of social equality. He now waits patiently in the basement of AEPI, typing up his senior thesis while toilet water from the leaking pipes drips rhythmically onto his taqiyah.