Dating, Relationship and Other Advice for LDS Teens, Young Single Adults, and anyone else who could use a little help (since 2009) from someone who cares enough to give it to you straight.

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Monday, March 5, 2012

She Loves the Future Missionary Her Friend is In Love With

Dear Bro Jo,

I was telling one of my very best friends about this man-problem I have, and she told my about you and how awesome your advice is. So she suggested I relay what i told her to you.

So I have this friend. He's one of my very best friends. I started getting to know him about 7 months ago when I was put on the youth committee. Well we went to prom together that year. There at prom, he met my best friend who is beautiful beyond belief. Briefly stated, they hit it off. I, of course, was rather hurt. But, she's my best friend and wanted her to be happy, and I wanted him to be happy too. So I not only went along with it, but I also did whatever I could to be supportive of them (even though it was really painful sometimes). He moved across the country shortly thereafter, but the two of them remained "together".

So here's my problem. Him and I have become really, really close friends. The feelings I had for him at the beginning have not only lingered, but they've grown tenfold. I'm really not sure what it's like to be in love with someone... but I think I might be now. I've known a lot of guys, and I've met a lot more since I started college (BYUI), and no one comes even remotely close to him. I think about what I want in life and the kind of man I want to spend eternity with, and he just has everything that I need - spiritually, emotionally... his personality is so similar to mine, it sometimes blows my mind.

And when we Skype each other, it really seems like he feels the same way. But then... isn't he in love with my best friend?

That's what they both say... and when they do say so, My feelings for him take more a platonic turn. That is, until I hear his voice again and it all floods back.

My point is, I feel so confused. I've never had such strong feelings for anyone before, and it's making me feel so crazy. He's going on his mission in three weeks, and I know a lot can change in those two years... but what if they don't? What if they stay exactly the same? What should I do? Should I tell him how i feel?

Thank you, Bro Jo.

- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

(Hi! Thanks for writing, and thank your friend for me.)

With this guy going on a mission in three weeks, I think everything is temporarily solved. Whether he or your friend realize it or not, all bets are about to be off for the next two years. While he's gone she'll date other people, you'll date other people . . . and then, well, we'll see where things are at then. While he's gone, write him an occasional letter. Keep it upbeat, spiritually focused, and encouraging. When he comes back, if you're still available, suggest to him that he come see you, maybe take you out on a date or two to see if there are still feelings there.

Frankly, no, I'm not convinced that he's in love with your friend. If he was he wouldn't be spending so much time and energy with and on you. If she's the light of his life, why does he feel the need to have you as such a close friend? What is it that you bring into his life that he can't get from her? Are you a better listener? Do you offer him security? Is he afraid that his "gorgeous girlfriend" is going to find another guy while he's gone, but he thinks you'll always be there as a backup?

Maybe.

And as you ponder those things, you may realize that he may not be the right guy for you.

Don't tell him how you feel now. Wait until he gets back. If, like I said, you're still single, and IF you still feel the same, tell him then.

But, in the meantime, go out and search for someone else.

One more thing: you need to realize that IF (and it's a big IF) he and she end up together your "friendship" with him will, by definition, need to be over. A married man should never have a Very Close Woman Friend that isn't his wife.

1 comment:

I am tremendously skeptical of "really really really close friendships" that develop from long distances. There seems to be something easy about the emotional connection you can get over skype or a telephone that disappears pretty quickly when hit with the reality of seeing someone every day. When you're so far away, it becomes so easy to romanticize someone. Especially when you'll never be disappointed that he isn't asking you out.

About Bro Jo

Brother Dave Johnston has been married since 1991; he and "Sister Jo" have seven children (four boys, a girl, a boy, and a girl).
A Business Owner, Author, Speaker, and Teacher, Bro Jo has taught Youth Sunday School, Seminary and Institute for over two decades (which is impressive, 'cause he's not THAT old!)
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[ Dear Readers, Sister Jo and I have been discussing what we see as a sad trend among young people in the Church: Young Single Adults, me...

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Bro Jo's "Dating Rules for Teens"

General- Date in groups of 2 or more couples minimum, 3 or more couples is recommended- Pick Up boys first, then girls; drop off girls first, then boys- Be clean - literally and spiritually- Plan must be pre-approved by the Parental Committee- Borrow a Cell Phone from Parental Committee - for emergency use only- Only date people your Parents have met (a pre-date meeting may be needed - a movie party at your house is a great way to have Mom and Dad meet all of this year's potential dates!)- Don't flirt with another person's date - you can go out with them next time - focus on the person you're with- Remember why you're dating: to get to know someone better, to discover what type of person you like to spend time with, and to practice this important social skill- First Date is with Opposite Sex parent - prove that you're ready- Keep the conversation going - spend more time asking questions than talking about yourself- Focus on your companion - DO NOT TEXT YOUR FRIENDS WHILE OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE - it's rude and, well . . . lame- No dating the same person twice in a row

Boys- Home by 11:30pm- Plan / Pick up / Pay- Plan communicated to date - no surprises!- Sisters deserve to go out with decent guys regularly, be one of those guys- Chivalry isn't dead - show respect by opening doors- It's scary to call, get over it (practice), it's your job to phone- Be prepared Boy Scout: make sure the car is clean and has gas, be familiar with where you're going, have enough dough- Keep dates simple and not too long- No gifts (keep it casual)- Meet the parents- Minimum of one date per month

Girls- Home by 11pm- Know what's planned - and pre-communicate that plan to your parents- Dress Modestly- Teach your date that you deserve to be respected (make him open doors and insist that he use proper language)- Don't call boys - make them call you (this is a respect tool)

Exceptions- Formal Dates (like Prom or a Wedding) can extend the curfew 30 minutes- Flowers may be an appropriate "gift" for formal occassions

Rules for Parents- Set the Example (married parents should be dating weekly - if you can, occassionally make that a "Date to the Temple" - if you want your kids to go, they need to see you going - great for married-people dates - Bad Idea for first dates)- Know your kids' friends, their dates and potential dates- Communicate Expectations- Help to Plan Ahead - especially in the beginning- Discuss the Plan - offer council when asked, but don't take control- Review the Rules- Pray- Don't Spy (if it's your date night too, go somewhere else - and get home before your teen)- Wait Up - near the door, not in your bedroom- Debrief - Discuss the date with your teen when they come home, before everyone goes to bed- Be positive and encouraging- Don't "arrange" dates for your kids with other parents - if the kids find out it'll be bad

REMEMBER PARENTS - You Water What You Want to Grow! (But too much water and the plant will drown.)

"Dear Bro Jo" is an entertainment column, and should not been used as a substitute for Professional Counseling, nor is it intended to replace conversations with one's Bishop or other Priesthood Authority.

All posts and content are the property of Dave Johnston (c) 2009-2013.

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