When I become a mother/ Cuando sea mamá

When I become a mother, oh the things I will teach my children. I’ll sing to them every song; even those songs that have never been sang. I’ll fill their minds with stories of magic and wisdom, and show them how life and emotions work. I will let them get dirty when they play. We will laugh so hard together.

When I become a mother, no birthday will pass unnoticed, and every holiday will be a celebration. Yes. The day I become a mother, I will not make any of the mistakes my mother did, because God knows I’m so much stronger and better prepared for this than she ever could be…

And then I became a mother.

After al the baby showers, hopes and wishes, there he was. His perfect little body was lying right there next to me. I remember staring at him and constantly putting my finger close to his nostrils just to make sure he was breathing. He seemed so fragile and perfect.

As I went out for my first walk after a day of having given birth to my Sebastian, I realized most of the newborns were wearing clothes.

Was I supposed to dress him? Ok. Someone should really be telling me these things.

But my mind was somewhere else. I was patiently waiting for the ‘I’m the happiest person in the universe, and this is all I needed in life’ moment that the world and the media had promised me since I was a little girl.

Yes. This was supposed to be the moment when everything made sense, yet all I did was stare at the EXIT signs in the hospital. I was terrified. All I wanted was to go back to the life I had been so happy with until then.

Well. Perhaps it takes a bit of time to get there.

But it didn’t.

And I’m not sure it ever does.

Not fully…

My situation was perhaps a bit different than the average. I lived with my mother only until the age of 6 and didn’t have much of a relationship with her, which made the concept of motherhood hard to relate to. I was also living in Canada, far away from my roots, and packing up my life to move to Sweden.

Baby blues?

No.

I couldn’t go down the stairs of my three-story house without wishing to unexpectedly roll down and disappear.

When I bathed my boy, I wondered what would happen if I stopped holding him. Once he slid, and I just stared at him under the water for a couple of seconds without reacting. I’ll never forget that image. It still wakes me up at night sometimes.

After a couple of months I realized it was post-partum depression, and being home on my own, given that my husband was always traveling and I was in a city where I didn’t know anyone, didn’t help.

But how can you even start this conversation with people, when all you see are happy faces, and ‘motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me’ posts everywhere from your closest friends?

This has to change. We need to be more sincere, and not only say what we think people want to hear.

It took me about a year to get through my depression, and it has been the hardest experience in my life so far. Also the loneliest. Perhaps if we talked about these things more often… lives are being lost to this reality.

In my particular case, what saved me was a very supportive husband, my yoga, and deep conversations with my mirror where I would basically hack my mind to go on the right direction by repeating the messages I wanted to believe. You’d be surprised to know how much power that simple object carries within.

I’m not here to offer solutions, though. I used to make lists of different ways for you to fix your life for a living not too long ago. There are no right answers for this one. This is simply my story. I get often told that I have everything anyone could wish for. My life is perfect, my family is perfect, and it worries me to see the mirage people go for, and the weight that thought bears in their arms. Those expectations… . and it’s not even real! Let’s be more sincere. Everything in life is constant hard work: family, love, career, self-love, relationships… every single thing.

Happiness is a choice that you make every day, and it’s not outside. Don’t think that someone will be the answer to get to the ‘happily ever after’ path. Get married. Have children.

You will still be you.

Your demons are not going anywhere.

There are no shortcuts.

Sebastian, my son is now 5 years old. He has become the most fantastic human being I’ve ever met. He’s the sweetest and most understanding of boys. I couldn’t be more proud of him. I had a second child, and the experience was so much easier. I didn’t get depressed the second time around. The dynamic was very different, even though he has been an absolute hurricane compared to Sebas

I’m not the mother I dreamt I would be when I was younger. I didn’t sing all those songs, to them either. I have repeated so many of the mistakes of my parents, and I often echo their words. But, I’m also the best mother I can be with the cards I’ve been given, and fight to become better at it every single day.