That’s MY name. On the FRONT ROW of the WHITE HOUSE event with the PENGUINS and the CUP and POTUS. Yesterday was amazing!

The Moore Sisters (no relation) pretending we are calm.

First, we got to the White House, where I apparently did not set off any security alerts. Good thing they don’t read this blog. After having our IDs checked, bags x-rayed and bodies metal detected by extremely friendly Secret Service agents, we were sniffed by a bomb dog who I didn’t even get to see! I bet he was cute. I got over that when we entered the fancy State Floor antechamber and spent 45 minutes pretending not to edge ever closer to the main door. Mario walked by. I acted cool. No sense in getting tossed out before the show.

The door to somewhere Presidential

When doors opened, there was the Cup, shining like a diamond on the stage. We walked past seats reserved to Members of Congress, and there was my name on practically the closest seat in the entire event to the Cup. Don’t ask how I got it – my Fairy Godsister made it happen and now I owe her. I don’t know what could repay this. Organ donation? And not an organ that humans have two of and can spare one.

Always bring a redheaded friend so you can find yourself on TV.

We marveled at this fact for a good long while, taking pictures of/with Stan (that’s what I call him now that we’re friends who’ve spent time together.) Several active duty servicemen were on hand to ensure that we people didn’t hug touch the cup, since it was just sitting on a table like it wanted to validate your parking ticket.

Who are these really important people in the front row?

After the band played “Fields of Gold” by Sting 26 times, the team was announced. The audience stood and they guys streamed in, dark-suited and not a one of them looking like they could punch your lights out. Every woman in the room moved her wedding ring to the opposite hand. On either side of me, friends asked, “Who’s the one with the hair?” only they meant different guys – Hagelin and Letang. No Sid yet.

When the applause and brief “Let’s Go Pens” chant died out, we all stood awkwardly in silence. For a long time. It was like a Catholic wedding full of non-Catholics who are unsure when it’s okay to sit back down. Then the band finished the only other song they know and the President, Bettman, Burkle, Mario and Sid were announced.

No zoom was used in the making of this photo.

Obama went to the podium. Mario and Burkle took his left, and Bettman and Sid took the right. Right by the Cup. RIGHT BY ME. The Queen of England’s didn’t have this good a seat at Will & Kate’s wedding.

What does he do with all these jerseys?

Obama’s speech was great. Of course he has the best speechwriters in the world, but they hit the nail on the head with the hockey jokes and Pens’ inside references, and POTUS delivered it like he spent last season watching ROOT Sports and reading WUYS. We could not have written it better ourselves! And every time he looked toward the Cup or Sid, he was looking right at us.

POTUS making sure we behave.

After the speech, the Pens did the jersey presentation, then brought the Cup back to the group for a photo. Which meant I got to see this in more scope and detail than an IMAX 3D movie:

The Trophy. And also the Stanley Cup.

When time machines are invented, you know where to find me.

Obama’s first and last Stanley Cup Champs.

The President shook some politicians’ hands, waved to us as if we’d catch up at happy hour, and headed out… leaving us all standing awkwardly again, waiting for permission to leave. Or confirmation that no one would be tackled for moving. I kept my seat for fear that Secret Service had, during the event, Googled the people in the front row. The team was eventually released to exit, walking past us and the Cup one by one like the eveningwear portion of the Miss America pageant. And then, briefly before we left, it was just us at the Cup again, like old times.

Here’s the full video:

This was quite the kickoff to the 2016-2017 season. I blindly insist my team will win the Cup every season, but this year, I say it with confidence. With hope. And because I would really like to attend this event in October 2017, and watch Hilary stand in front of Letang, Crosby and Co., look right into the camera, and ask Bill if she should hire any interns.

Make it look heavy, they’re taking photos.

PS: If you read this before 2:03PM, I made some edits. Remember on Sex and the City, when Carrie knew she really liked the guy because she couldn’t remember what he looked like? Well I was that excited.

Hello friends! Hope you had a nice summer. I did – and my team did too, of course. Easy to get a tan with the sun reflecting off the Stanley Cup.

At least pretend it’s heavy, Kris.

And off the white hot glare of your Twitter account.

Cue total side meltdown re: Phil loves his dog.

Speaking of which…

Is a hockey jersey “business attire” if you’re a blogger?

This is down the street from my office. And you just might know someone who is there tomorrow. 🙂 That’s all I can disclose for fear of this being used against in court.

Updates, of course, if I evade prosecution. If you don’t hear from me, hopefully one of you is a lawyer and/or Canada will accept my request for asylum. (You know, before all the other Americans try to go there.)

It’s okay, B. We’ll take her off your hands.

So, are you guys excited? Nervous? Wondering who the hell is on your team these days? I am. And as ever, asking myself the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything:

If that list holds, we’ll have to break up this lovefest in the first round. NHL 2016-17, already imaginarily testing my loyalties.

(Editor’s note: “Imaginarily” is not a word. Additional note: We don’t have an Editor.)

#sorryJohn

ESPN featured Vegas odds last week that had the Hawks and Bolts atop the likely Cup winners. I like this because the Rangers, Flyers, and Bruins are all missing.

The Bolts improved considerably by doing… nothing.

Of course, pre-season predictions are almost never right. Even those based on actual analysis of talent and roster, matchups and Corsis nearly always miss. So far, I am doing pretty well by just picking the Penguins every year.

Blackhawks fans just laughed.

So I’ll do that again this year: look deep into my crystal ball (pint glass) and pretend I see glorious victory for my team shining brightly above a pile of broken, trampled enemies.

The playoffs are a tough time, when I want all my favorite players to have transcendent, legendary, career-making experiences… while their teams still lose. But someone has to win every round, and so it may as well have happened like this:

John Tavares, middle school science teacher, registered tax lawyer and upholder of dad-styles, scores to tie the game with 53 seconds left, giving his team the chance to clinch their first playoff series victory in 23 years.

The Empire State Building says “Hey Brooklyn”, while the tears of Rangers’ fans fuel my sweetest dreams.

Orange and red look really similar at 100 floors, but…

There is hugging.

I hoped they were going to do the Lift from Dirty Dancing.

And, as ever with John, helmet hair.

And front page news is made.

Okay, it’s back-page news, but on a tabloid. #same

Now when we write a Disney movie based on this blog, it’ll just be clips of last night.

I hope John celebrated wildly after the win. That he rushed out without even ironing his shirt collar, then drank ice tea, but in a pint glass so it looked like beer.

#protip

As mentioned, the Isles last won a playoff series in 1993. As a Pens fan, I remember this victory – it ended Pittsburgh’s bid for a third-straight Cup. John does not remember: he was 2 years old. I consoled myself by blasting The Bodyguard soundtrack and singing along to Whitney Houston in the shower – because it was the #1 album, and I wasn’t old enough to drive.

Was there a vote? I missed it.

I’ll soon be back to work, hoping every team (that isn’t mine) loses every single game. Two losers per series, zero winners, except the Penguins. Such is my playoff bloodlust that I would bend the rules of reality to my will. But for now, I’m taking a moment to be happy for John, because you know this is his wildest, lifelong dream of an aw-shucks moment.

The Penguins play in DC tonight. Which means they are in DC right now. Which means an NSA satellite is probably reading this post and assessing whether or not I pose a security risk.

:: Kanye shrug ::

There is so much going on in that photo, I don’t even care that he’s wearing a chain like it’s Labor Day 2003 in Cape May, NJ. Once again, pockets have an existential crisis over failure to perform their basic function. If you’ve never contemplated the cosmic mystery of the Dorito ratio, allow my other favorite Captain to demonstrate…

But I digress. Where will the Pens rank when the season ends in TWO GAMES? Who will they face in the playoffs? Will Crosby shave off what is honestly some great facial hair he has going on? He is grooming it now, thank heaven. From scraggle four days ago:

To sleek two days ago (presumably the same day as the shirt photo above):

66% of the vote went to Sid. He wold clearly have preferred 87%, but this is a higher percentage than he got in wins over Letang, Ekblad and Price. What can I say? We Eastern Conference girls have a lot to choose from.

Click for a larger version

So, you like Sid. Hey, me too! I didn’t even vote, that’s how fair I wanted this to be. Now that I know you’re right ( smile), what does that say about you/us? We also like:

superstitions

peanut butter & jelly sandwiches

dogs

:: hearts ::

Things you don’t like:

referees

Flyers

selfies

Of course, you are also fans of:

Are you getting my best side?

I mean athleticism, guys! From the greatest player in the game!

I went to work like this.

Oh, you are no help. If you don’t think Crosby’s the best player in the game, well, everyone’s entitled to be wrong sometimes. (jk)

Took him 10 years to get the roster photo right.

But I think most people can appreciate his… bonus features.

You thought I was going to say “assets.”

There are gold medals and a Stanley Cup and trophies all over the place, not to mention the Penguins hot streak of late. Sid was NHL 1st Star for the month of March.

You all know how I feel about Sid, and now you know how the majority of other people (who voted in this poll) feel too. I could go on for… the 5 1/2 years this blog has existed, in fact. But this is the .gif I have bookmarked in my browser, probably my favorite go-to Sid of all time.

Right in the feels.

If you’re a Pens fan, you’re really enjoying the games right now. And maybe a little extra in-game. Let’s hope we get to enjoy that all the way till June.

Wow, that is a lot of yes. It’s the best hypothetical situation ever – so great, it can only be summed up by our spirit animal Emma Stone performing Lip Sync Battle on Jimmy Fallon:

Everybody hands go up

Sidney Crosby cleared Carey Price handily, with nearly 70% of the vote. This I understand. I mean, they don’t even make pockets you can put this in.

Jamie Benn, however, surprises me a little. I get it – I can clearly see what you’re voting for here – but I though Tyler would take this one. Instead, Jamie earned a whopping 75% of the vote. I sent Chuck to check on Tyler, just in case(s).

Almost 1400 votes. 1400! You guys should campaign for something in real life, because you are crushing it here. Or use your powers for good instead of these very important hockey-related matters.

Here we are, at four. That’s fewer names than you’re allowed on your “island”, your “celebrity five” or your “get out of monogamy free card”, whatever you call it. (Unless you are me. I’ve been know that say, “Sid is the list.”)

Click for larger version

Carey Price v Sidney Crosby

You love Carey Price. I don’t get it – or I’ve never really tried – so this one will remain a mystery to me! Stamkos fared slightly better than Bergeron, Faulk or Ericksson, which is to say that he got more than 35% of the vote. And so Price moves on confidently.

I think he can hear me blogging.

If Sidney Crosby hadn’t won, I would have tampered with these election results. Trust me, I am not above a little espionage to keep things right with the world! Luckily, while twenty-nothing-year old Aaron Ekblad made a surprisingly strong show (39%!), Crosby won this fair and square.

It’s all the things.

Now, you must choose. I won’t tell you what to do…

Subliminal messaging

Or who to vote for…

It’s not my fault he looks like this.

But I trust you’ll do the right thing.

Be his wingman any day.

KIDDING! Well, not really, but here are some Carey Price gifs to balance the universe and deter charges of election tampering.

He does look like a nice guy.

I mean, the man can wear a scarf.

Who’d probably bring you coffee.

And not every guy looks good in a belt buckle.

Yeehaw.

Tyler Seguin v Jamie Benn

It was always coming down to this. Entire fictional/aspirational lives are built on just such a conundrum – Peeta v Gale, Edward v Jacob, Ron v Harry, and presumably a great many that exist outside young adult books, but not with this kind of angst. I mean, they’re BEST FRIENDS. They are a set. And they’re possibly more in love with each other than they could ever be with you.

They can’t make us choose.

Tyler faced a worthy opponent in Zach Parise, who got a whopping 44% of the vote. I am shocked! But only one winning smile can win the day. Jamie struggled early, but ended up beating Gabe the Babe with 64%.

Now, by choosing only one of Tyler or Jamie, you could choose none – because they’d likely choose each other. Or you could destroy this fanfic-worthy bromance and ruin everything. That’s right, with just one click.

Life is hard.

So, Tyler?

He knows who he’d choose. Or does he?

Or Jamie?

Come on, just a little?

Left?

All about that bass (layer) – or not.

Or Right?

Need a ride home?

Cake?

Dessert-related. We’re not picky.

Or Death?

Not quite the same.

Man, that is tough. Seguin is a human gif-machine but Benn is so adorkable. Either way, can you really lose?

I’ve never paid much any attention to Carey Price, but y’all love him. And I use “y’all” to demonstrate the one thing I know about Carey Price – he’s a cowboy. He can do horse-related things and also survival, which according to many Twitter comments would make his useful in case of zombie apocalypse. (No one suggested he compete on “Naked and Afraid” which frankly calls into question this whole bracket challenge.)

Judo chop!

I submit to you that as living off the land and shooting-while-running are exceptional skills, Stamkos is not without off-ice talents of his own.

You decide what’s more likely. The Walking Dead Reality Show or a young adult fiction series-turned-Hollywood blockbuster series starring a 60-goal scorer.

Sidney Crosby v Aaron Ekblad

Hate to see you leave but love to see you walk away.

Hahahaha, kidding. I’m kidding! That is so unfair.

The Kid and the actual kid

Tyler Seguin v Zach Parise

The Bad Boy and the Good Guy

That’s really fair, though, right? Finding a photo of Seguin with a shirt (and pants) on is not that easy. But don’t rule Zach out – he did take down Toews, after all.

Smile. People will wonder what you’re up to.

I’m just not sure anyone can stand up to Tyler.

He just couldn’t reach a towel. In a room full of towels.

Gabriel Landeskog v Jamie Benn

This bracket is the toughest for me by a mile. They’re both so… it’s impossible. Gabe refuses to wear a shirt, even while making you breakfast. Jamie can’t not be a dork. Not even for a second. Not even with his shirt off! It’s Kryptonite.

The Surprise and the Sure Thing

To assist myself, we enter this evidence before the court:

The Swedish Chef

The “I Can’t Be Sure it’s an Innuendo because it’s Jamie Benn”

Guess I’ll have to spend all day looking Google Image searching them to aid in my decision making (aka just continue what I’ve been doing all morning).

The NHL Man Madness 2106 Round 2 voting is done, and it has left some handsome debris in its wake.

Votes: 660

Upsets: at least one

Hearts broken: Mine, twice

Click for larger version

Jonathan Toews lost. Not that Zach Parise isn’t just as charmingly handsome or likely to put his coat over a puddle so your shoes don’t get wet walking to his luxury car, but still. Jonathan Toews lost. He doesn’t… do that. Ever. Not since that ASG Skills Competition when he didn’t know the shooting round had started!

But I didn’t have time to activate Manitoba!

Zach got 53.3% of the vote. For once in hockey, the US is all…

#sorrynotsorry

John Tavares also lost, to Steven Stamkos, by 93 votes. If it had been 91 votes I would have tossed myself off the Annapolis bridge. (Note: not that high). As it is, I feel like:

I’m gonna hold my breath till I get a new one.

And you know how Tavares feels? No, not sad. Well maybe a little, on the inside, but he’d never been so ungracious as to show it. He’ll just take his whatever-place-finish and shucks, thanks so much to the hundreds of people who did think he was handsome!

Crosby v Letang was way too close at the start. Hey, I love Disney Princes, but this is Sid we’re talking about! Luckily, Pierre Maguire was free to stuff the ballot box all day long, and Crosby took home his round with +170 votes.

Act like it was part of the plan.

Marko Dano surprisingly got 36% of the vote in his round – I still haven’t looked this guy up. If he fell out of the sky right now and landed on me, I wouldn’t know him. But you can bet Tyler Seguin didn’t even blink at this competition.

Roll my windows down and cruise.

It was surprisingly no competition between Jamie Benn and James Neal, as Benn got 75% of that vote. Is it the Nashville? The not scoring 30 goals, not getting suspended, fact that I’ve barely blogged all season? You’ve all forgotten?

I didn’t want to leave you.

Or is the awkward panda-perfect hair-tattoo of a graveyard just too much to overcome?

I dream of Jamie.

Hahahah WHAT is that .gif? Forget it, I just changed my vote to Jamie Benn also. Sorry, Neal.

While the Gabe Landeskog v Roman Josi category caused some people real-life conflict…

So, you’re saying not all late-night hookups are classy?

Gabe to Babe lived up to his name and brought in 58% of the votes. How does he feel about fending off a handsome opponent and winning your heart?

This violates campaign laws, right? It must.

With 71% of the votes, Aaron Ekblad beat Tom Wilson. (At the polls, not on the ice. Please don’t fight Tom Wilson.) It was a fascinating battle until you remember 1) they’re both 12 and b) no one likes the Panthers. At least not anyone who can .gif. Someone, please, fill the void of Ekblad gifs in the world.

Now imagine this photo could move.

Lastly – and I saved this for a reason – Carey Price trounced Justin Faulk, winning 77% of the vote. Price beat Mike Green by exactly the same margin in Round One.

Impressive, right?

So, we’re throwing Carey a wrench. When I created this bracket challenge, I spent 0.2 seconds thinking about the Bruins, and the first Bruin that came to mind was Loui Eriksson. I can’t tell you why. But I can tell you what I missed – Patrice Bergeron. Holy Hannah, you people love Bergy. I get it… no, I don’t really. He’s still a Bruin. But democracy being what it is, I am forced to accept a write-in candidate. So….

This is getting very House of Cards

If Bergy had been in Eriksson’s place, he would surely have beaten Justin Faulk. Bergy certainly would have given Price a run for this money in this round. Now that we know Price is through to the Quarterfinal, here’s the wrench:

We’re calling a run-off. One round, only one vote: Bergeron v Price. If Price wins, he stays. If Bergy wins, he replaces Price entirely in the spot he would have rightfully won if Chuck were around to throw dishes and remind me he was missing in the first place.

The first results are in! A total of 534 votes were cast in the first round, which means 10 of you each voted about 53 times. I thank you!

Click for a larger version

There you have it, folks. Gabe the Babe dispatched Chris Higgins’ abs, taking home the trophy for biggest win with 88% of the vote. Disney Prince Kris Letang had the second highest with 84.3% over Lupul. Benn, Josi, Seguin, Crosby, Stamkos and Carey Price all topped 70% in their respective categories.

Ain’t even sweating

The closest race went to Marko Dano, who beat Joe Pavelski by three votes. THREE! Democracy, people. Other tight races were Ekblad over Lundqvist by 4% and Wilson over Gingeroux by 6%. John Tavares won by 7% – way too close for me, but I would have just lied if he’d lost. (Democracy!)

He knows the people in charge.

The most heated campaign came from @eyetotelescope and #TeamToews, who locked up the Original Canadian Dream’s 8% win over Jeff Carter.

What’s wrong with being confident?

It only gets tougher from here. Top 2nd round match-ups have our professional analysts buzzing…

The last – and only – time I gave a rat’s ass about NCAA March Madness basketball was a) when Sidney Crosby was at the next table and b) I was lying. But this important bracket challenge had me excited: BarDown: Pretty Hockey Player Madness 2016

Vote in the Bardown Bracket HERE.

Until I tried it. And the problems began.

Josi vs Gabe the Babe in the first round?! Can I just win the loser and go home happy?

I don’t know 60% of the Pacific Division contenders. They play hockey past my bedtime.

Tyler Seguin vs. Patrick Sharp? Like, you’re teammates on the train to the Capital, but once you hit the arena, it’s every handsome man for himself? I hope they refuse at the end and hold hands.

And then it was over. NO STAMKOS? NO TAVARES? What kind of rigged crap is this?

Much love for Uncle Joe.

So, I created a real, better bracket for us. With the help of everyone on Twitter during the Pens/Caps game last night, we present to you…

WUYS NHL Man Madness 2016

Now, it’s not perfect. I had to pick someone from every team, which meant only a few teams could send multiple handsome faces. Many competed, few made the bracket. I divided East vs West and used a random generator to seed the players. The rest, as they say, is up to you.

UPDATE: If you voted before 10PM EST on Sunday night, I forgot to include Jamie Benn vs. Jordan Eberle. Probably because that’s like choosing cake or a different cake. I mean, how can you want just one? You can try here, in Oops, Jamie Benn vs Jordan Eberle.

You have until Wednesday night to vote, and we’ll move into the Semifinals on Thursday!

Canada is getting everything right lately. First, they elect Patrick SharpHan Solothis guy Prime Minister. Then they offer to run for President of the United States. And in case they don’t win, they invite us all north for 4 to 8 years. And now, this:

What the inside of my brain looks like.

Kidding! Okay, not really. An in-goal wine rack? If you went inside my brain like Being John Malkovich, you’d find yourself climbing one of these. Somebody get the creator of this miracle a Nobel Prize.

Mamma mia. Lip sync battle is the greatest entertainment invention since the Puppy Bowl, and that’s even when Beyonce doesn’t show up. It’s also the highest art form I participate in daily. From my car.

Now, let’s be honest. I don’t know who any of these Canucks rookies are. And I am generally terrified of potential humiliation, so watching this was not easy! But I know all these songs and I must say, these guys nailed it.

It’s 5 O’Clock somewhere… in Canada. Because he’s 19.

Jake Virtanen did Alan Jackson’s “Chattahoochee” in a pair of pants that maybe fit him in high school. Good thing he didn’t pick a song with any booty-dropping or we’d have seen somebody’s Chattahoochee.

Ain’t nothing but a heartache.

Jared McCann (hi cutie!) went straight for our own hearts with some BSB. God, I love this song. It makes no sense – are they happy? Sad? They never want to hear us say we want it that way? But I thought they did want it that way?

Typical guys, with their mixed messages and wearing all-white in airports.

Canada’s Got, well… confidence is a talent, right?

Ben Hutton went all out with his choice of Aqua’s “Barbie Girl.” He was approximately a fetus when this song was released (okay, he was 4), but clearly this musical milestone resonates across the generations.

Admit it, you were worried at the start of Ben’s number. We were on the fast track to this for a hot second….

Vote for Pedro

Until this happened.

Come on Barbie, let’s go party.

Last, in the always-unfortunate slot after someone unbottons clothing, Sven Baertschi hit us with some Marvin Gaye. He doesn’t really know what the host is saying, or what the words are, or that he’s dressed like AJ McLean, so I assumed he’d be the one singing Backstreet Boys. Throw is some skating-ish dance moves and you’ve got yourself a fine performance, friend.

He’ll be there in a hurry.

There was no winner, though I think Sven had it in the bag with his turtleneck and chain. Did he confuse Marvin Gaye with The Lonely Island? I almost hope he did. I also hope more teams subject their players to forced participation for our amusement soon. Right after they give Chuck and I a good twenty minutes with that goal-sized wine rack.

So, in summary, you should vote for Canada. They’re the country of hockey-themed liquor cabinets and freestyle dancing by untrained white men. If that’s not the place for me and Chuck, then just leave us the wine.

To commemorate the week so far (and so I don’t have to go scrolling through Twitter in two years when I want to reference this), a post about two really important things.

Jonathan Toews joined Twitter.

If you use “eh” in a sentence, you are exempt from all grammar rules.

I spent my drive to work trying to come up with a joke about how now, we all have to pronounce the “w” in Twitter as a “v”, like in Toews. I didn’t quite get there.

Most Canadian cover photo ever.

So far, Jon has made fun of Andrew Shaw (check), apologized for a loss (check) and – I swear you can’t make this up – used “jk.” He is basically us at age 14, only Andrew Shaw was (probably) not born yet.

The only capital letter Toews cares about is the C on his sweater.

Remember when Jonathan Toews was no fun? Like, at all? He even went as Grumpy for Halloween… which was ironic, because referencing his grumpiness was one of the first steps toward casting it off. If it were 2012, we would hardly recognize this guy.

Maybe I shouldn’t be looking at my phone while walking. But honestly, Pittsburgh, warn a girl! I may have veered wildly across a sidewalk during DC rush hour upon seeing this grace my screen. The video loaded. Wifi buffered. Particle beams shot through space and a satellite fell from the sky but still I COULD NOT WATCH IT.

So I went into the nearby hotel lobby and calmly stole the password from their reception desk.

I have a new appreciation for horseshoes. Previously a game I’ve only seen played by small cousins and large rednecks, it suddenly seems a pursuit worth dedicating my life to. On this beach, with the lovely crystal waves crashing.

And maybe even one day, a tan.

If this whole hockey thing doesn’t work out for the Pens, they could always open an off-season Club Med.

Flowers love the sun.

Pittsburgh, currently holding the last Wild Card spot in the East, plays at Boston tomorrow night on NBCSN. The Hawks, who are first in the West, host Nashville on Thursday night on the same network. Two nights of Roenick and Milbury… might almost be worth it for all this.

I had something clever to say about the Carolina Hurricane’s Justin Faulk , but really, this sums it all up.

Foxy Friday: Justin Faulk

Cuddle Puddle!

So, yeah. We’re talking about hockey!

Justin Faulk is 23, American from Minnesota, plays defense and was the Canes’ sole representative at this year’s NHL All Star Game. He also appeared in last year’s ASG.

That concludes 100% of what I know about him. Back to the internet, Alex.

In November, we captioned this: “Justin Faulk is really, really sorry that his hands are so big and his hair is so tousled.” Still true.

SI.com featured Faulk in January, mentioning that he is putting together a potentially historic goal total this season. Not his 15 goals overall, but the fact that 12 of them are power play goals. If he can get to 20 PPG, he’ll be the first defenseman to ever do so in a single season. In the story, you can read how Justin’s mom credits repeated watchings of The Mighty Ducks with teaching Justin to skate.

Hey, that movie is probably to blame for our hockey careers too.

Does Spidey have horns, or…

Faulk won an NCAA championship with Univ. of Minnesota Duluth and was part of the 2014 US Olympic Team, where he took part in possibly the most inexplicable portrait shoot ever.

Zoolander 2, in theaters today.

No, actually, I’ve seen this before.

Damn, I was going for ‘thoughtful.’

Justin’s amassed quite a collection of facial scars in his young career, and isn’t afraid to selfie them for your benefit. I’ll put that photo behind this link. Instead, you can see how they’ve healed up just enough to give him that hockey player look we like so much.

It took me a minute to figure out why I like Justin Faulk, then I realized that, while bearded, he strongly resembles the guy who plays Aramis on BBC’s The Musketeers. Aramis was always my favorite Musketeer, and it is my favorite book of all time.

As Justin is only 23, he’s tried a number of styles in his search of what would look best on the NHL ASG red carpet.

I’m relaxed. No wait, I’m serious. Defensemen don’t relax.

They all more or less work for him, with the exception of his audition for the role of immediately-post My So Called LifeJordan Catalano Jared Leto. Everyone tried this bleached blond thing, no one succeeded. We were all young too – we just had the sense to do it before the internet.

For the record, Rayanne was a bitch.

Justin is on Twitter @justinfaulk27, with a banner photo that a) reminds you how many friends people have at 23 and b) promises shirtless boat selfies may not be out of the question.

Okay, I’m serious. No, wait. Models aren’t serious.

So, if you don’t already like Justin Faulk for histalent, you can like him because his hair and eyebrows will always look better than yours. It’s nice to know which battles you can’t win, right? And if that’s not enough, the guy folds his clothes.

You can be the spatial reasoning in this relationship.

Let a married person tell you: Marry someone who folds his clothes.

Now let a married person read that out loud to her husband.

My eyebrows get uneven too, friend.

I just realized the Canes play the Penguins tonight. Why am I out to sabotage my team with the power of Foxy Friday every time?! Last week it was Stamkos, who had 2A in Tampa’s win over Pittsburgh. Damn it, it’s too late now. Apologies in advance.

80’s lighting, 90’s hair

With 57 points, you could look at the Canes’ season as a half-full or half-empty situation. They’re next-to-last in the Metro Division and four spots back of a wild card berth. Or they are just four points out of a playoff spot with 30 games to go. It’s a jam up in the East and should be an exciting. sickening. panic-inducing run for the end of the regular season. Please let Foxy Friday bestow no powers on this one day.

Every year, a few NHL teams dust off the funny bones and do Valentine’s cards. The Blackhawks are usually tops at this (and most) games, but this year’s are surprisingly mediocre [link]. Still, I was prepared to give them this year’s heart-shaped cake for this gem:

If you want me girl let me know…

Can’t lose with an *N Sync joke, right? That should be a slam dunk.

But no.

Got a phil-ing about some nachos in this picture.

Bahahasnortlaughahaha! PHIL-ings! I’ve got Phil-ings about your bowl haircut and what you insist on wearing, Kessel, but nothing this funny. I see him laughing at all the guys traded to/from the Leafs today, while at the same time silently shaking his head, “No, God no!” at Stamkos.

This one also made me snarf. The word “horn” always makes me laugh like a 7th grader in health class-slash-Georgia Nicholson.

You know I hate to say it, but some of these Flyers Valentine’s are pretty funny. If you’re into orange and liking things you hate.

Cupid Giroux should have matching wrist casts. If you can play beer pong…

I assume these Bolts cards are from 2016, because if people have been saying “bae” for over a year I’ll feel even more despair about American culture. (Update: These are from last year. I give up on you, American youth.)

When the NHL adopts it, you know a trend is over.

Did I miss any teams that have 2016 cards? The Predators did Valentines last year [link], but I’m not sure how they could top the weird and scared feeling this conveyed:

There are conventions for this kind of mascot stuff.

We’ll be on the lookout for more cards this week, even thought all our PHIL-ings may be committed already.

It is a little known major oversight here at WUYS that Steven Stamkos has never been a Foxy Friday. One could argue that’s he’s been sufficiently fox-ied every other day of the week, since we’ve tagged over 100 posts with his name. But with great power comes great responsibility…

To keep looking like this:

Some of our 100+ Stamkos posts have been pretty legendary, including those times he:

It’s been 4 years, 7 months and 22 days since Steven’s first mention on WUYS. That means he’s gone 1697 days without being Foxy Friday! Criminal! Finally, we correct this error of 242.5 weeks. (And on a day that Steven and the Bolts play Pittsburgh. I waited 5 years to probably shoot myself in the foot and cost my team their whole season. Yay,)

In honor of Steven finally being named, we’re bringing you ALL NEW (to this blog, mostly, we think) Steven Stamkos content! Skinny legs and all.

I play Frisbee every day with my dog, I could coach this. Will work for everyone’s shirts.

I could go on all day (or for the past five years). Stammer’s contract is up at the end of this season, and the drama is already at peak hysteria. The Lightning have said it’s their “number one priority” – well, duh. Steven has said little other than he loves playing in Tampa. We’ve heard guys say that and take reasonable contracts to stay put, or shout is as they’re rolling toward a new team in an armored truck full of cash. My bet is on Stamkos staying with the Lightning.

If you’re not already following him on twitter (@RealStamkos91), you’re doing it wrong. The guy knows what we want! It’s almost as good as the Steven Stamkos Tumblr feed.

I pity the fool who answers the NHL TV customer service line when I call today. Well, the person won’t be a fool, nor can they actually do anything about the disaster of a changeover from Game Center Live. But still. I don’t pay $150 a year to miss Sidney Crosby hat tricks!

Last night, Sid scored three very necessary goals to lead the Penguins to a 6-5 victory over Ottawa.

I won’t take credit for this particular scoring surge, but ask Lindsay if it might be the result of a conversation we had yesterday. I once ended the lockout, you know.

Hopefully this is a sign for the Pens, who currently hold the last EC wild card slot. The East is all jammed up: seven teams within two points, and all for third in the division.

Look at that goal differential . Holy Caps.

On Monday, Sid told press, “Our playoffs basically start now.” And he kinda smiled when he said it. [Video]

Somebody got a new hat.

While you were enjoying the Penguins goals and wondering WTAF they were doing between goals, I was practicing yoga with this Sid workout clip.

Once upon a time there was an All-Star Weekend that reminded me how much I love hockey. Well, that happens every year. But this weekend, like so much of this season, I didn’t actually get to watch anything. GAH! What follows is the best I was able to mash up from Twitter and my imagination… except I couldn’t make this up:

It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher. Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season! (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

HI GUYS! Remember me? I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet and go over half a season of hockey that I’ve mostly missed. How does this happen? My life is like space in Interstellar, where time barely passes, while hockey and this blog remain on Earth, getting 80 years older every day without me.

So, All-Star Game?

Is anyone watching this? I kinda sorta almost totally forgot about it until someone mentioned John Tavares’ pants.

So, Crosby didn’t get invited. That’s old news. I wrote a mental blog post called “10 Things Sid Can Do Instead of the ASG”, which was quite funny. You should read it sometime when you develop mind-reading powers. Or tomorrow, if I get around to posting it.

The newer news is Ovi and Toews are hurt/sick and also suspended. The NHL sure knows how to cry when the whole class doesn’t come to their party.

Truth hurts, ASG.

Alas, with no drunken draft, most of the fun is gone from the weekend anyway. The NHL has realized this too late and made some replacement efforts to attract our attention:

1) Made John Tavares captain. He probably suggested this Footloose-inspired sobriety nonsense, for fear a real charitable organization might think Ovi was actually poor and needed a new car. The paperwork on that tax headache! But it does mean more camera time for Captain T and the Pleated Pants.

Does this data come in a pie chart?

2) Dierks Bentley. HOLLER. I love country music, and Dierks is a big Preds fan, and everybody likes tight jeans. He’ll be one of the celeb coaches at the game.

We would get drunk on this plane.

3) All the Foxy Fridays. Damn if they didn’t replace Toews with James Neal. The NHL knew I wasn’t paying attention and just waved a red ginger flag in my face.

Note: Stamkos, #TeamHall and Nicky Backstrom have never been Foxy Fridays. This blog is a sham. Shut it down.

What kind of irresponsible journalism is this?!

4) 3-on-3 Format. I won’t pretend to have an opinion on this, as I’ve watched approximately one OT period all season, but it sounds exciting. Top players + more open ice = more goals, right? But hasn’t the All-Star Game always ended in some Hobbit score of twelveses to eleventy anyway? Maybe the “last place in the draft” prize can be repurposed to the only player who doesn’t score a hat trick on Sunday.

5) The John Scott story. Voted into the ASG by fans, then traded and assigned to the AHL, the saga of whether or not John Scott would appear in the ASG has been ongoing news. Yesterday, Scott published this first person account in The Player’s Tribune. In it, he explains how someone from the NHL encouraged him, even now, not to attend this weekend’s events.

SCREW YOU, NHL. Wrong, bad, stupid, and also, WHY? John Scott may be the only player who actually cares about this game, and you think he should stay home? Do you think the fans who voted him in should not watch? Oh no, you want them. You NEED them.

She’ll be proud.

Read the Player’s Tribune story. It will make you want to buy a John Scott jersey and stand up in your living room when he takes the ice on Sunday. I hope every player shows up wearing his name. You may not like Scott’s brand of hockey, but it is part of hockey. Scott may not be an elite player, but he is a player. Was a player? Will be an NHL player again? Who knows. But if you love the game, you have to love it’s scars.

So, see you guys tomorrow night on the Twitters to techno-judge the real skills at Skills Competition: hair, beard, sass? Our trifecta of All-Star Weekend talents.