REALLY???

I am still here, still drowning and feel I will die or be on 27 medications for anxiety and depression before anything else happens. It's my opinion that divorce is so common here because it seems to be the only sane option! In every forum/article/book etc......the advice for me (the non-adhd partner) is to stop blaming which translates to exactly what the adhd partner wants.....no accountability for anything ever.....and the other major tip is to stop "nagging" which again translates to exactly what the adhd partner wants, they will NOT do their part and never be accountable for their actions and I will smile about it and say that's ok honey, I will not blame you for something YOU HAVE BLATANTLY DONE BEFORE MY EYES because THAT would be wrong and I certainly won't nag you about it! Are you kidding me???? This is the advice for us???? So double dose on that xanax and sit in your little doped up world and just say yes dear to everything?? Doesn't the word blame imply that someone else has done something and I want to blame you? As adults in an adult relationship I don't blame my husband for anything he hasn't done but I do hold him accountable for things he HAS done. Which as Dr. Phil would say makes me a "right-fighter"......it's all a bunch of BS in my opinion. It has most of us on medication to tolerate the behavior of another who actually needs the medication and that makes no sense at all!! C'mon Dr. Orlov there has to be something more than stop blaming and nagging, something more than just take everything they throw at you with a smile and offer them some tea after..........

Comments

My husband in particular does things on a daily basis and the idea is that I should just let it slide which ironically is exactly what he says....."whats the big deal?"

So, when he swears at me and calls me names in front of our children....I suppose I shouldn't blame him for that. I shouldn't nag him about it by telling him how unacceptable this is while he rolls his eyes saying something like OK OK SORRY JEEZ....

I shouldn't blame him or nag him about screaming at the top of his lungs about almost everything and also screaming I don't F'ing care when I remind him that our neighbors are out in the yard so maybe we could take it down a notch......

I shouldn't blame him or nag him about not paying any attention to me romantically leaving me feeling empty inside....

or about forgetting every important thing in our life, or hell how about forgetting what was said literally 30 seconds prior....

The experts must be right, I should really listen to my husband who has an untreated mental disorder and seek treatment myself because since the defensive nature of adhd can not handle blame I need the strength to absorb all blame and always be the cause with all my damn blaming and nagging. Strange to me that if I am bothering my husband or nagging him to do the same thing for years why must we overlook the obvious fact that he has not heard me or given me anything I need or have asked for over those years....why must we overlook this??

And what exactly can he be accountable for?? Because it really seems like accountability is masked with this word blame like shame on us for holding someone accountable for their actions. Maybe in a functional healthy relationship problems are split and both parties may be to "blame" equally.....this just is not the case in an adhd unhealthy dysfunctional relationship. I get that whats being said is it's the adhd not the person theory and that only goes so far because I feel that a person who knows they have this problem that is literally destroying everyone around them and they do not seek help because they see that as taking the "blame" is in fact TO BLAME..........Sometimes there is one party who is to blame and guess what? I'm sure there are many here who can agree with me that it does not always take two to tango/argue in an adhd relationship! My husband will do fine yelling and screaming all by himself!!!

I guess I'd be one of those professionals that it sounds like you feel are giving you poor advice. And based on what I hear you saying, I can't blame you for feeling that way. It sounds like you believe that we are suggesting you suck it up and put on a happy face, no matter how you are treated by your ADHD partner. No matter what disparaging remarks are thrown your way, no matter how distracted your partner is, no matter how poorly you are treated, that we are saying there is no cause for blame, and so you should take it all with your chin up and just keep moving forward.

I know from my perspective, that is not the message I would have you receive. I don't believe that you should have to give up your soul for the sake of another. That would never be a prescription I would give. What Melissa writes about in her book(s), one of which I co-authored, is that the ADHD partner has the responsibility to maximize their treatment, and then to take on more responsibility over time in the household so that the non-ADHD partner does not feel like everything is on her/his shoulders. Maximizing treatment means taking the appropriate medications, if that is called for, and doing the behavioral things like setting alarms and reminders to follow up on tasks when needed. But the important piece here is that these are the ADHD partner's responsibilities. It's not about everything falling on the shoulders of the non-ADHD partner.

In addition, if there are put-downs, insults or name-calling going on, this can be seen as a form of emotional abuse. No one should have to put up with this in a relationship. The last thing we would recommend you do is grin and bear it. I can appreciate that that kind of treatment would feel awful, and should not be tolerated. If you are in a situation where you want the marriage to continue for whatever reason (kids, finances, etc.), then you should seek counseling, if not as a couple, then as an individual, so that you can create the boundaries you need to take care of yourself.

I don't believe in "blaming" others for their bad behavior. However, I do believe that they are responsible for it. It may be a fine line there, but blaming just leads to bitterness and resentment. Instead, I would definitely hold your partner accountable for the things that occur that bring about challenges for you.

The thing that is important in all of this is how you talk to and work with your partner. The truth is that anger rarely gets results. When someone is angry and there is yelling back and forth, very little gets accomplished or gets taken in. The partner who is on the receiving end almost always gets defensive, and then angry in return. Statistically, 70% of all conflicts never get resolved. Anger solves very little. That's why it's important to have conversations when things are calmer. And to speak from feelings and use "I" language, instead of "you" language, which does sound blaming. If you say,"I'm upset or sad, or unhappy, or whatever it is, when this happens, or when you speak this way to me..." it comes across differently then when you say, "You talk down to me all the time." It may not get a happy response, but at least you will be sharing from your feelings, which is a better place to come from. And sometimes it's valuable to start off by saying, "I don't want you to hear me as blaming you, I just want to share my feelings."

If all I am suggesting here does not seem like it would be helpful, then I do suggest you seek counseling. Sometimes when the situation has been challenging for quite a few years, it is hard to turn the clock back and unwind some of the damage that has been done. That is when a professional can be helpful. And again, if your partner does not want to participate, you can decide if it would be helpful for you to seek the help for yourself.

I am sorry to hear what you have been through. It certainly appears that things have been difficult for you for awhile. I can appreciate your frustration and disappointment with your situation. I really support you to get as much help as you can. I know there are also ADHD support groups out there that might provide a support system for you. I hope you get what you need to feel you are heard and supported.

My best to you.

Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultantwww.TransformURLife.comCo-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD

(So, when he swears at me and calls me names in front of our children.) I'm thinking this would put me on the road if I was putting up this...What damage do you think it's doing to your children's emotion's? You also need to deal with your anger, You may want to blame it on his behavior, and it very well maybe the result of your relationship with him, but sorry it's yours...

Yep. I sure do feel your pain. I said "f that" and left, but I'm stuck parenting with him. Now instead of being hurt and lonely, I'm mad and powerless (to change him). I just wrote a new post. I'm trying to get it through my thick skull that he will NEVER change. I have to heal from there.

You must set the boundaries that make you comfortable. There is no excuse for unacceptable behavior. I think that the books are telling you that nagging and being resentful won't work to change your ADHD partner, only THEY can make the decision to change. If you set boundaries, your partner breaks them, and you let it go then you are not doing your partner any favors. You are enabling them to stay the way they are. If you set boundaries, your partner breaks them, and then suffers the consequences... then there is a chance for change. I was lucky enough that my husband decided to change when I left him... but I was prepared to let him go because emotional abuse is never acceptable.

I've been feeling the same way. I've been drowning in a laundry list of things I "shouldn't do" so that my under-treated ADHD husband can get better. But, what's been happening instead of him getting better, I've been getting worse. The separation of emotions and working on not letting his nasty comments "get to me", has been making ME numb, and doing NOTHING for him. He hasn't changed, he hasn't gotten any better.He's mentioned a couple of times about going to counseling, but I've had to cancel two appointments already.

He's been off the chain lately, I think because he feels me pulling away, even if I'm kind and talk to him nicely. (plus I don't think he's on the right meds) But, he WILL NOT entertain the thought that maybe the difficulties between him and I, and him and our entire family, friends, aquaintances, work people, is problems directly related to his ADHD. So what can I REALLY do? If he won't go to treatment, if he won't listen, no matter WHAT I do, I have to leave. And, as a disabled, living in pain person, that's almost an impossibility, but it's becoming a reality.

Doesn't empathy stop us from doing and saying some things, because we don't want to cause pain?

And our ability to look ahead and visualize the end result of our choices and actions is what prevents us from making some awful errors?

Without that empathy and foresight, what's left to instruct in a better way to relate?

I don't feel that I can pick up and leave, either. Actually, I am not sure it would have much impact on him if i did. Maybe that's what really bothers me. Not sure, but it's something to ponder. What consequences have the best chance of impacting the situation, in the absence of empathy and foresight?

"I don't feel that I can pick up and leave, either. Actually, I am not sure it would have much impact on him if i did. Maybe that's what really bothers me. Not sure, but it's something to ponder. What consequences have the best chance of impacting the situation, in the absence of empathy and foresight? "

Standing, this is an excellent statement and question, that I too am pondering. My DH and I lived apart for 2 years, while he moved to our current state and I stayed back and sold the old house as well as other things. I had hoped that my husband was missing me, but he was more focused on his "new life" in a new place. (new and shiny) He got his diagnosis of ADHD during that time as well, and was seeing a psychiatrist. But, there was no change in his behavior, except for feeling sorry for himself for the diagnosis. He saw the psychiatrist for 2 years but my husband's behavior didn't improve during this time. It made me question what was going on in my husband's sessions. The Dr. had me come for one session, and when listening, it seemed like more of a "gripe session" than a question/answer type session.

Neither years of therapy, including one three-week-long intensive outpatient therapy program, nor me imposing the "nuclear" option of asking to live apart and filing for separation resulted in any noticeable difference in my husband's ADHD-type behaviors.

The purpose of removing yourself from a difficult situation is to help YOU, not the person with ADHD. We can't change anyone... they have to decide to change themselves. If you do decide to leave it should be with the knowlege that it doesn't matter if he changes, but that you are able to be the best person you can be.

Man, I am right there with you all. My DH doesn't call me names or yell or scream, but he works literally 7 days a week from 6am until after 10pm. I am not making this up. Literally 7 days a week. He is never here. Never. We have been in more counseling than I can shake a stick at--together, separately, with the kids, without the kids...every possible combination of the four of us and I agree with what everyone else said--what I've gotten is the laundry list of what I can do, should do, shouldn't do, how I should word what I say, how little I can say, how little he can take in at any given moment, what to do when he doesn't retain what I say (because really, why should he--ADHD folks don't retain much), when I can talk to him, how to deliver information in small bits so he can retain what I say, how to not lose patience when he doesn't retain what I say, how to not take offense when it doesn't occur to him to ask about me or the boys, how to not get upset when he calls and says he'll be home at 3pm and then doesn't walk through the door until 9pm (because really ADHD people are TERRIBLE with time), how to not get impatient or nag when I have asked 5 times for him to do something and it's still not done, how to act interested every time a NEW SPARKLY idea crosses his mind, how to prompt him to ask the kids about what they are up to...the list goes on and on. It's NEVER the ADHD person's responsibility because they have this disorder and really nothing they do is on purpose. That's the phrase in my house: "I didn't do it on purpose" as if that negates whatever the result is of the behavior. If I lived the rest of my days not hearing that phrase again that would be fine with me.

I appreciate all that professionals try to do for the non-ADHD person, but it's all useless information. I am so tired of the idea that, aw, shucks, ADHD is a big pain, but aren't ADHD folks a lot of fun?!?!?! Look how wacky and creative we can be!!! Our ADHD brain just works in a fun quirky way!!! Planet ADHD is so much fun!!! There is no responsibility and somehow everything magically gets taken care of!!! Even when I don't do it!!! Isn't that the coolest!?! When exactly is the onus on the ADHD person? When exactly IS the ADHD person responsible for their actions or lack of actions? Because nothing is ever their fault and they didn't do it on purpose. It's like living with a perpetual child--a 12 year old maybe, with really poor judgement but a great sense of humor and the most charming personality you'll ever meet...to everyone else. ADHD is not fun, it's nearly impossible to live with. The non-ADHD spouse is in a no-win situation--if we give too much information, we are overwhelming them, if we don't tell them stuff, we are being controlling and not treating them like an adult. Nothing we do is right...ever. It's exhausting and disheartening.

It's obvious to me :) :) :) and probably everyone else who's made it to this site...That we really do not do each other a favor by trying to share a life together, when we are so different...My wife told me when we we're dating that she was perfectly content alone...I didn't listen...because I wasn't...And it's proved out to be the case...When you look at people who feel so different about life...but are perfectly content with there lifestyles why in the world would we try to adapt to each other?...I know once we do it...it's done, and we just work at it and adjust...But, why do it? My wife had trails through her house and was happy!!! Happy!!! do you hear me??? I had my house clean and I was happy!!! lonely...but happy!!! Oh well ;) If you're reading this...and you aren't married...Please, if it's evident you're nothing a like, and you're silently thinking I will fix them. I will love them so much, they will come around...You are living in a dream world :)

This is the case in our house too. Dh does not come to me for sincere connection. He does not WANT communication or partnering. He really does just want to be left alone to do things in his own way (or to NOT do things). He doesn't even need to acknowledge there is anyone living here besides himself...doesn't start any conversation. He puts his energy and focus on inane things like garbage, crossword puzzles and beer. His life is filled with diversions - no relating.

I have a sister who is slightly (by my own judgement) ADD. She has said to me more than once, "I don't need a man. If I could have had kids without a man, I would just as soon do it that way. But I wanted kids so I had to have a husband." She doesn't make an attempt to have a relationship with her husband. One day I said to her, "I am glad I am not your husband." And then thought about it and I realize I am married to someone just like her.

I have been trying to coax a relationship with my husband for 40 years. I am lonely and I would like to have real intimacy in my life but it is not possible with dh. He uses sarcasm, jokes, manipulating and teasing, trying to make those things his way of connection. I thought marriage was walking through life together. Sharing. I didn't expect it to be battles and loneliness.

Hi, c ur self, I have heard this phrase from the very beginning of our relationship. "Maybe I would be better off living alone". (this coming from my husband) I didn't listen either, because I've never heard or KNOWN anyone who actually BELIEVED that would be the best thing for them. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED...ALSO....just like YOU said. (amazing) Never heard anyone mention this one before.

He has said this phrase many times since then. My question to my husband is this.....If you ACTUALLY believed that living alone was the best thing for you.....WHY didn't you DO it?....and NOT get married?.......and put all our lives in turmoil because THIS is what you truly believed was BEST for you? You can STILL do this if you want, if this is what you believe is best...please do it, and don't live a lie, thinking you are doing us all a favor by staying somewhere you don't believe you should be.

DH has said this again a few times recently. So....he is very much causing this to come into being, by not getting his ADHD treated, and not learning how he can deal with his condition, and help make our relationship a much better one. He can not continue to stay so disengaged, and expect that his wife and children to be what he wants them to be. None of us are getting better this way. I've tried to gently explain this to him, hoping he would WANT to be closer. But, in his world of BLACK and WHITE......RIGHT and WRONG.....US vs. HIM..........it's ME that has changed, and me that has taken the full brunt of unbridled ADHD, and he goes along in his own world.

So as the fly who is disconnected emotionally (you can do it ladies) from our spouses...We have a new role today, today we are our own counselors:) Today is the day we look at the life they are pursuing everyday that they live...We're not going to judge it or condemn it, but we're going to accept it as the fact of who they are, and who they show a desire to be...This is the way we will hold ourselves accountable...This is my wife for as long as we both shall live...

So, my first question to myself is. Since this is who she is, what about who I am? How does who I am and desire to be, conflict with who she is and who she desires to be? The answer came back quiet a lot. So, the next question I asked myself is how do we live a peaceful life of love and unity with all of our differences? So, sadly, the answer came back you can't:( (especially not in your own mind and power)...So, then my next question is simply; What should I do?

So, since God's requirements or for me to live with her in an understanding manner and be faithful. That's what I desire to do...So, how does that play out? Well, instead of looking at her approach to the things (bill paying, timeliness, home and family responsibility, intimacy etc etc...) of life and marriage, which I can't understand and judge them. I am learning to accept them. (remember its' who she is) So, this puts me in a place of living somewhat alone and Independent of her in the area's of my convictions toward responsibility...Not that I'm right, but remember we are who we are also. So, what has been the fruit of this lifestyle...Blaming has fallen way off, due to the mutual respect that is being birthed for allowing each other to decide for themselves w/o the judgments. I can humbly say I have learned some things from her, since I quit focusing on the why in which she can so abruptly and coldly interject (besides it takes one to know one) and have come to realize she doesn't mean anything by it. Add can force political correctness and politeness out the window at times...And amazingly when we both give Grace to overlook the way each other interjects, we hear ourselves better:). So, I am focusing on acceptance, love and respect aspects the most...and living pretty much independently in finance management, etc...although I do not have secrets from her, I tell her you know where my check books are you are welcome to look at my accounts any time...She usually don't want to see them; I guess for a couple reason's, she knows she lives payday to payday and really doesn't feel at ease to discuss her finances with me:), and I've been faithful to pay everything on time for the six years of our marriage, so she has a trust there...Of course if I asked her, she would have some stuff she could teach me:)

I've made comments on these forums before that many married couples would not understand, because they can so easily agree, they can rationalize together. They have hearts open to each other...I think the trials of this life is to help us to see our need for the savior...So, if I needed the trials I've been through to break my dependency on myself and to teach me how to love unconditionally, then wonderful!

Beside's this life is like a vapor, and when we blow out our breath on the porch on a cold clear day...We know it passes quickly :)

But, we have a lot going for us...I wish you and your son the very best...I hope your x-husband can see what blessings he is missing out on, and get some help with the alcohol abuse...His son needs a Dad full time. This world is tough enough with two loving parents...Blessings..