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Dr Pepper Destroys Local Celebrity’s Marriage

Since 1885, the formula of soft drink Dr Pepper has remained a closely guarded secret, but 127 years later, it appears we’ve found one of the highly touted twenty-three flavors: home-wreckage. And it tastes like shit.

Jeff Law, the semi-famous owner of Law’s Taqueria, who’s known for shouting, “I am the Law!” at town functions, has filed for divorce from his wife of less than a year, Midge, citing irreconcilable differences. The couple had recently been seeing a marriage counselor, but ultimately decided to part ways. The Tex Mex Giant, as he’s dubbed himself, attributed the failed relationship to Midge’s Arkansas upbringing, blaming it for her lack of appreciation of Texas juggernaut Dr Pepper. “She just didn’t get it,” Law said. “And as my daddy said, if you don’t like Dr Pepper, move to California, you Liberal sumbitch.” He admitted he was aware of her disdain for the Doctor prior to exchanging vows, but felt over time he could adjust her palette accordingly. “I needed to plant the seeds, so I took her up to Waco for our honeymoon,” he recalled before trailing off. Law then grew quiet, seemingly unable to wrap his head around the events. Finally, after nearly thirty minutes of silence, a teary-eyed Law told us, “She didn’t even know that’s where it was invented. Christ, she thought it was only the home of that dadgum cult. Only the home of that dadgum cult,” he repeated for dramatic effect, successfully.