Researchers Find Link Between Tor Exploit and Michael Hastings Death

LANGLEY, VA — A mere week after news broke of an exploit targeting users of the Tor Browser Bundle was found and examined, researchers at an underground lab in Palo Alto, CA found hidden messages embedded deep in the exploits shellcode that could reveal a link to journalist Michael Hastings murder.

On June 18th, 2013, Michael Hastings car sped ferociously into a palm tree bursting into flames and killing the writer on impact. His death has not been investigated by official authorities, except by some of Anonymous’ higher-ups who have uncovered irrefutable proof of car hacking via a bluetooth iOS exploit. Anonymous also believes Hastings was on to something big, something monumental, something so outlandish he couldn’t be assassinated like a normal person.

Underground Palo Alto researcher Tony Kukoc elaborated on Anonymous’ theories with his findings in the Tor malware: “It seems to me that this highly sophisticated, military grade, bit-shifting malware was designed to infect the cerebral cortex of all those who viewed the hidden iframe, not only sending the NSA Tor users IP and MAC addresses, but erasing their memories of Michael Hastings altogether.”

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, Former NSA chief, Michael Heyden, refuted the Professor Kukoc’s claims while speaking at the annual Defcon hacker convention this year: “This is preposterous, only a foolish virgin would think such a thing were possible!” He then stormed off stage amidst a few shouts of “LIAR!”

Veracode researcher, Chris Eng, was spotted crying because the hecklers were just incredibly rude.