Win 1 of 2 Copies of ‘Redshirts’ by John Scalzi

Ensign Andrew Dahl has just been assigned to the Universal Union Capital Ship Intrepid, flagship of the Universal Union since the year 2456. It’s a prestige posting, and Andrew is thrilled all the more to be assigned to the ship’s Xenobiology laboratory.

Life couldn’t be better…until Andrew begins to pick up on the fact that (1) every Away Mission involves some kind of lethal confrontation with alien forces, (2) the ship’s captain, its chief science officer, and the handsome Lieutenant Kerensky always survive these confrontations, and (3) at least one low-ranked crew member is, sadly, always killed.

Not surprisingly, a great deal of energy below decks is expendedon avoiding, at all costs, being assigned to an Away Mission. Then Andrew stumbles on information that completely transforms his and his colleagues’ understanding of what the starship Intrepid really is…and offers them a crazy, high-risk chance to save their own lives.

You can read my review here. As I said in my review open love letter to John Scalzi, Redshirts is… well you’ll just have to read it, if you haven’t already. The TL;DR version of the review:

PEOPLE! I’M SO IN LOVE WITH THIS BOOK. RIDICULOUS TECHNOBABBLE. THE NARRATIVE. THE BOX. A CRAZY PARADOX. A SHUTTLE GOING INTO A REVERSE FIBONACCI SPIRAL! YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK WHEN IT IS RELEASED NEXT WEEK!!! JOHN SCALZI’S BRAIN IS A WONDERFUL PLACE. READ THE BOOK, DAMN IT!

Redshirts is a wonderful spoof and homage to Star Trek and the science fiction television genre as a whole. With this in mind, leave a comment telling me your favourite Star Trek quote(s) — any series — or favourite bit(s) of Star Trek technobabble — any series. Warning: If by some bizarre chance, I do not automatically recognise the bit you are quoting, I will be using the Google machine to find it. If I cannot find the quote in the Google machine, you risk having your comment not count.

Only one comment per person. Leaving multiple comments will disqualify you. When leaving a comment, please use a valid e-mail address so that I can notify you if you win.

You have until Monday, June 11, 2012 at 23:59 PDT to leave a comment. At that time, I’ll use a random number generator to select two winners. Winners will be notified by e-mail on Tuesday, June 12, 2012. Winners will be announced on this website on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 at 16:00 PDT.

Capt. Kirk: Yes, but what you’re after is a royal fizzbin, but the odds in getting a royal fizzbin are astro… Spock, what are the odds in getting a royal fizzbin?
Spock: I’ve never computed them, Captain.
Capt. Kirk: Well, they’re astronomical, believe me.

Chekov: [to a street cop] Excuse me, sir! Can you direct us to the naval base in Alameda? It’s where they keep the nuclear wessels.
[He pauses, looks at Uhura, and tries again]
Chekov: *Nuclear wessels*

Jean-Luc Picard: Q, what is going on?
Q: I told you. You’re dead. This is the afterlife. And I’m God.
Jean-Luc Picard: [laughs scornfully] You are not God!
Q: Blasphemy! You’re lucky I don’t cast you out or smite you or something. The bottom line is, your life ended about five minutes ago, under the inept ministrations of Dr. Beverly Crusher.
Jean-Luc Picard: No… I am not dead. Because I refuse to believe that the afterlife is run by you. The universe is not so badly designed.

This interaction between Scotty and LaForge pretty much sums my entire life up:

Geordi: I told the Captain I’d have this analysis done in an hour.
Scotty: How long will it really take?
Geordi: An hour!
Scotty: Oh, you didn’t tell him how long it would *really* take, did ya?
Geordi: Well, of course I did.
Scotty: Oh, laddie. You’ve got a lot to learn if you want people to think of you as a miracle worker.

Q: If you can’t take a little bloody nose, maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed. It’s not safe out here. It’s wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross. But it’s not for the timid.

Another quote from the love-to-hate-it, hate-to-love-it episode, “Spock’s Brain.” Dr. McCoy has finished restoring Spock’s brain into his body, and Spock is describing his disembodied experience.
McCoy [turns to Kirk]: I knew it was wrong. I shouldn’t have done it.
Kirk: What’s that?
McCoy: I should have never reconnected his mouth.

I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations,
a singular development of cat communications
that obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
for a rhythmic stroking of your fur, to demonstrate affection.

A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents;
you would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aide in locomotion,
it often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.

O Spot, the complex levels of behaviour you display
connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

“I’ve done worse than kill you. I’ve hurt you. And I wish to go on…hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me. As you left HER. Marooned for all eternity at the center of a dead planet. Buried alive. Buried alive…..”

From toward the end of “The Wounded”, one of my favorite TNG episodes:

Chief Miles O’Brien:[singing] The minstrel boy to the war is gone /Chief Miles O’Brien/Capt. Benjamin Maxwell:[singing] In the ranks of death you will find him. His father’s sword he hath girded on / And his wild harp slung behind him. Land of song, said the warrior bard / Tho’ all the world betrays thee. One sword at least thy rights shall guard /Chief Miles O’Brien:[singing] One faithful harp shall praise thee…Capt. Benjamin Maxwell: I’m not going to win this one, am I Miles?Chief Miles O’Brien: No, sir.

I just laugh at any of the (numerous) times they use neutrino as part of the technobabble. As a physicist studying the interaction of neutrinos with matter for the last 30 years … I laugh because not once have they come close to using them in a sensible manner. Here’s one of the worst:

Lt. Commander Worf: As you probably know by now, Jadzia and I will be married here on the station in six days.Doctor Bashir: There’s nothing more romantic than a wedding on DS9 in springtime.Chief O’Brien: When the neutrinos are in bloom.

Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, “double dumbass on you” and so forth.
Kirk: Oh, you mean the profanity?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Well that’s simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word.

Man where do you start!? Anything by Q; Data drinking goo; Get the cheese to sickbay, lots by tovuk… “If you were any other man….”
But JUST edging it for me…?

It was either this, or almost any of Picard’s round-ups during Chain of Command….

“They invade our space, and we fall back. They assimilate countless worlds, and we fall back. Not again. Not this time. A line must be drawn HERE! This far and no farther! And I will make them PAY for what they have done!” J.L Picard.
(No-one else could have delivered this line!)

Third of Five: Are you ever… lonely?
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Sometimes. But that’s why we have friends.
Third of Five: Friends?
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Sure. Someone you can talk to. Who will be with you when you’re lonely. Someone… someone who makes you feel better.
Third of Five: Like Geordi – and Hugh.

“There. Are. Four. Lights!”
Picard being tortured by the Kardassians in TNG. most moving piece of sci-fi television I’d ever seen. Still with me all these years later. Probably had as profound an impact on me as Animal Farm and 1984. Well done.

Lt. Commander Data: Judging by her appearance, it is likely you and Salia are biologically compatible. Of course there could be a difference in the histocompatibility complex of the cell membrane, but…
Wesley Crusher: Data – I want to meet her, not dissect her.

The peice I will always remember fondly was when they were dealing with a creature that was made up of silicate and rock which was “attacking” miners. Comes to find out, the creature was only trying to protect its babies (thank you Vulcan mind meld). The being took some damage, however and was in bad shape. Kirk, not knowing what else to do, turns to Bones and tries to spur the good doctor into action. McCoy looks to Kirk, and says with frustration “DAMMIT, JIM! I’m a Doctor, not a stonemason”.