Back in February, when the first TV Gourmet appeared on this very website, I knew that it was only a matter of time before I got around to this very post: making food and drink exclusively from “The Simpsons.” With much thanks to SNPP, possibly the single greatest hub of information in the entire world, I—along with photographer Nadia, dairy-consumer Will, and was-just-kind-of-there Joe (Adam from last time couldn’t join us because he was watching preseason football, preseason Rams football; neither could Matt, who’s too busy wearing Rastafarian hats and getting called a narc)—chose five recipes that have been made, featured, and gorged upon in Springfield, including the granddaddy of them all. It’s the post I was born to write, baby.

And please feel free to do some gratuitous quoting in the comments section. I’ll get things started: “The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute…Statute of Liberty…that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!”

Tom Collins Pot Pie (From “$pringfield”)

What you’ll need: pie crust, cloves, Tom Collins mix

1. Unsure of what actually makes a Tom Collins, we went by what The Internet said and used the following ingredients: ice cubes; 2 oz. dry gin; 2 oz. lemon juice; 1 teaspoon sugar syrup; soda water; slice of lemon; and 1 colored cherry (we actually didn’t include the cherry).

2. Pour the drink into the pie crust

3. Then add a sprinkling of cloves

It…it was bad. I mean, look at that picture below. It looks we caught some dragon flies, dried them up, and then sprinkled their corpses into a pool of vaguely-alcoholic water, all held together by a cheap pie crust. That’s pretty accurate, actually. The crust and drink were fine—together, even with the sogginess of the graham cracker crust, it tasted pleasant(y), with, in the words of Peter King, a nice hint of citrus—but the cloves were tooth-chippingly hard to chew. The look on Homer’s face, the same Homer who once enjoyed a hot dog with band-aid on it, says it all; even he couldn’t have more than a bite.

Made some skittlebrau once. Opened a beer, dropped in some skittles, was ready to drink. I didn’t realize they react like mentos and diet coke. All of a sudden everyone pointed at the beer in my hand and I looked to find it overflowing. Once it settled down I drank it……it tasted terrible.