WTF: TNA Impact Review for 1/3/13

Welcome loyal readers to a very special edition of WTF! What makes this week’s edition so special? Well, I am glad you asked. If you are reading this on Sunday like you ought to, then you should know that today is my 35th birthday. And I am spending it with you guys. Feel special yet? You should. Well, now that the pandering is over with, let’s review this show so I can have a proper celebration.

Narration P. Narrator comes on to take us through the wonderful web that has been woven by the glorious creative team including the latest in the Aries/Roode/Hardy story, the crapfest that is the Hogan/Bully thing, and the fact that today is the return of Sting. Man, I am so hyped for this young guy Sting. Hope he takes the ball and runs with it.

Jeremy Borash is in the ring. He is going to announce the TNA Wrestler of the Year for 2012. The five finalists are Bobby Roode, Awesome Aries, Jeff Hardy, Bully Ray, and James Storm. I would pick Bully Ray for the winner if my vote counted. And how were these finalists selected anyway? Whatever, I forgot to turn my brain off before the show started. And the winner is….Jeff Hardy, because of course he did. You guys can argue about this in the comments, but at least three of those guys had a better year than Hardy did. But whatever makes him happy enough to never leave, I suppose.

Hardy goes to the ring to accept his trophy. He says that the trophy means as much as the World Championship. Roode comes to the ring to disagree. Roode says that when he was Champ, nothing was as important to him as the title. Roode says that he set records as champ, and became the longest reigning champion in TNA history, so he deserves he trophy. Aries comes in to the ring to disagree with Roode. He says that the voting was rigged. No shit there, pal. He says that he beat Roode and averaged four stars for every PPV match, so he should be WOTY. Roode says he should be. Aries says he should be. Hardy then challenges them both to a three way match at Genesis. Really. Hey, news legend Ron Burgundy, what do you have to say about that?

Well said.

Hardy tells them both that when they think of 2012, they should think of the year of the Enigma! Hardy grabs his trophy, but is jumped by Aries. Then there is a mild BROUHAHA WITH VALIDITY! No? Ok. Hardy eventually comes out on top, because duh. By the way, I see a team of Roode and Aries being very hilarious, but if they call themselves “Hell Yes” I’ll bitch and moan about it in this column.

The announcers then run down the show, which includes the returns of both Hogan and Sting. I think Sting has had more returns this year than the IRS. Get it? Returns? Ahh...you get it.

Backstage, James Storm is asked about not winning WOTY. He is interrupted by Bad Influence who answer for him and they both do some fantastic impressions of James Storm, who had to be legit laughing at them. Storm then says that he is going to kick one in his twitter, and punch the other in his Facebook, and then instagram something or other. I don’t know. He challenges one of them to a match right now, and walks off. As he does, Daniels gives us this gem: “You forgot MySpace.” Don’t ever change Daniels.

After a commercial, there is a video package for Bully Ray that basically establishes him as that anti-hero face character. It was good. Then we have our first match.

Match 1: James Storm vs. Kaz

Before the match starts, there was a swerve where it looked like Daniels was going to fight Storm, but that allowed Kaz to jump Storm from behind. You know what I like seeing? Matches like this that features two guys that can really work. James Storm wins the match with a superkick to Kaz as Kaz jumps off the top rope. It looked good. They’ve had better matches, but who cares. This was a fun opener.

Backstage, Devon is still trying to recruit Anderson into Aces & Eights. Anderson can’t make up his mind, but enjoys Devon’s whores. DOC Gallows wants an answer right now, and Anderson says that tonight none of them can show fear to Sting. They applaud Anderson’s apparent acceptance, and Anderson gives Fake Kane his hammer. They walk out, but Devon can’t find his bat. Uh-oh. Strange things are a-happening. By the way, if Anderson doesn’t align with Sting then this show isn’t as predictable as I think they are.

After a commercial, Kenny King is backstage with Kid Kash. King says he remembers watching Kash on VHS. Good line. There is also apparently an X-Division tournament with four guys: Christian York, Kash, King, and Zema Ion. The winner gets a shot at RVD. What a tournament.

We then have a video package highlighting Sting's return and the A&E situation. Then DOC comes out. He calls out Sting. He then gets angry when Sting doesn’t show, and says Sting is wasting time. The crowd chants “We want Sting.” Shhh. He might come out guys. DOC tells Sting to get his ass out here RIGHT NOW!! And then a bat falls from the rafters and DOC freaks out. Then we go to a commercial. What kind of cheesy 80’s horror movie is this shit?

After a commercial, Brooke Hogan is asked if she has talked to her dad since she kissed Bully. She says no. She’s asked when she is, and she says she’s going to find out now. Riveting TV right there. Then we have our next match.

Match 2: Christian York vs. Kid Kash

HA! Tenay says that this is Christian York’s big break. I guess wrestling for a bunch of theme park tourists is the dream of every wrestler. Also funny is the fact that Tenay tells us that Kash trains with MMA fighters, after Kash uses a back rake on York. A. Back. Rake. Then Tenay says that RVD called York “the future of the X-Division.” He’s 35; he’s not the future of anything. York wins with his “Mood Swing” finisher, which is similar to the Cross Rhodes.

Backstage, Chavo says that he’s not scared of Joey Ryan, Matt Morgan, or anyone on the TNA roster, but is scared of originality and charisma. Weird he would say that.

After a commercial, we have our next match.

Match 3: Hernandez vs. Joey Ryan

It’s originally supposed to be Hernandez vs. Morgan, but Morgan comes out with his arm in a sling. He said it was a weightlifting injury, and says that he will be ready for the match at Genesis. He says that Ryan will take his place. The match goes for about 45 seconds before Morgan, who – surprise, surprise- is faking the injury, attacks Hernandez. This causes the DQ finish. And then Morgan kicks Chavo right in his face. Is this a Matt Morgan face turn? Nope, but it was a fun birthday present. Thanks Matt!

On a side note, I have to question the logic of having Mike Tenay on commentary. He is destroying everything with his words. Take for example Matt Morgan’s “injury.” When Morgan came out, all the announcers were “shocked by this. That’s a reasonable reaction. After all, you thought the man was going to compete, and you just found out he wasn’t. It sells the story. But then after the attacks, Morgan grabs the rope and dead stares the camera. Tenay says that when he spoke with Morgan earlier today, that Morgan said to him that when he does that, he’s staring directly at Hogan. It’s all good, except if Tenay talked to Morgan, then he would have known form the beginning that Morgan really wasn’t injured. It shit like this that pisses me off.

Oh goody, up next is Hogan.

After the commercial, they show us Kurt Angle thanking Sideburns Q. Rockefeller and Ponytail Brisco for having his back. He says tonight they don’t need their help in his cage match tonight because he has Samoa Joe on his team. Rookie #1 starts to say something but Joe yells at him. The rookies leave and Angle tells Joe that he vowed to unmask every member of A&E, and that starts tonight.

We then see Mickie, Tara, Mrs. Ass, and Gail Kim warming up for their tag match later because boobs, ass, titties. Then there is a video package of the Hogan Knows Best storyline before we are greeted by Papa Bear himself.

Hogan starts off by apologizing to the fans. It’s a miracle! He must have read my work and finally comes to his senses. Oh wait, he’s apologizing for not showing up last week, and not making the show unbearable to watch at times. You tricky devil Hogan. He says that he took a week off because he couldn’t handle seeing his daughter and Bully kiss in the parking lot. You’re 105 years old, get used to it. Hogan calls out Brooke and Bully.

Hogan rambles for a minute or two about how Bully didn’t follow a bro code or something, or other. Who know what his geriatric ass is saying half the time. He says that now that he knows the truth, he wants to ask Bully why. Bully says that he should have come clean in the beginning. Hogan says that he has been trying to tell everyone that Bully is no good and the fact that he broke the bro code proves his point. Hogan then says “if this was twenty years ago…” and I jammed a spoon into my ear. We get it Hogan; you wish you were young again. He ends up suspending Bully without pay because a GM’s gotta do what a GM’s gotta do, even if it’s illegally punishing someone because of a personal grudge. The Killer B’s protest, but Hogan throws them both out of the ring. This is destined to be the new Claire Lynch. Way to ruin Bully Ray, Hulky boy.

After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater reviews what just happened. Then there is another one of those training videos with Joseph Park at OVW. This looks like it’s the final one, as Danny Davis wishes Joseph the best. Three weeks to train for a wrestling career in your mid-thirties at OVW? Sign me up now!

Then we have our next match.

Match 4: Mickie James/Mrs. Ass vs. Gail Kim/Tara

I hope Vince watched this. This is how you book women and have the crowd behind them. The match was really good and Mrs. Ass has improved a lot recently. Working with the talent in this match is helpful for her as well. Mickie pinned Gail after hitting her Mickie-DT. Good match.

Backstage, A&E are talking about Angle’s threat to unmask them. “VP” says that they have to protect their masks with their lives. The other masked guy takes out a knife and stabs the table. No sign of Anderson in this segment.

After a commercial, ODB is in the back. She gives us an update on EY’s injury. She served literally no other purpose.

We then recap the ending of the opening segment before we cut to Hogan being confronted by Roode and Aries. They don’t want the match at Genesis. Hogan says that the match is on, and it’s an elimination match. Also, Roode and Aries team up next week against Hardy and a mystery partner. That should be fun. Then we have our main event.

Match 5: Devon/Masked Guy #1 vs. Kurt Angle/Samoa Joe

As Angle is entering the ring, DOC attacks him and locks him out of the ring. That means Samoa Joe is fighting in handicapped match. Doc takes the key, so Angle can’t get in. A&E do a good job of keeping Angle down on the outside, until Angle is finally able to take DOC out long enough to get the key. Angle gets in the ring and almost immediately gets busted open. The good guys eventually pick up the win after an Angle Slam on Masked Guy #1.

Just as Angle goes to unmask him, the whole A&E group comes down to the ring. They all beat down Angle and Joe. Anderson is walking around outside. Then Sting calmly walks down, and takes out every member of A&E by his 99-year-old self. Finally, it comes down to Joe, Angle, and Sting with Masked Guy #1. Angle unmasks him and it’s…..it’s Mike Knox. Of course, I didn’t recognize him because I haven’t seen him in a couple of years, and he has since shaved his head and trimmed a lot of his beard. I know it’s him because Tenay told us it’s the guy “known as Mike Knox in the WWE”. What an anti-climactic ending. The guy who they unmasked should have been someone that would have hit home, not a random face. Oh well, eventually, I guess. Impact ends with the trio in the ring as A&E try to cover Knox up. Interesting note – Anderson wasn’t involved in the brawl at all.

Final Analysis:

You know what? I liked this episode. It had a lot of storyline advancement, plus there were some good matches. I didn’t like the way they did the reveal. They should have done something where these guys played a different role in the company before being unmasked, like they did with Devon.

The average fan isn’t going to know who Mike Knox is. Hell, I barely recognized him, and I’ve been following wrestling for years. Oh, and what’s up with Sting just calmly walking down to the ring. After the earlier head games with DOC, I thought at least the lights would go out or something. The camera didn’t even focus on him until he was at ringside. Other than that, it wasn’t a bad show. Seriously, even the KO match was good. I hope this sets the tone for the year.

That is going to wrap it up for me this week. It has been my pleasure, as always, to bring this review to you. I will see you again on Tuesday for Headlines, and on Saturday, I have Fozzie’s Den. Until then, that’s all I got.

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