Category: Finance

Washington DC: The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.

Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx, and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into its path. Surveillance video footage shows wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.

“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”

“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”

“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”

“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”

T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball

T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks

Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.

FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y flew into it’s path.

Chicago, Illinois: United Airlines forcibly evacuated an entire overbooked flight yesterday when no passengers accepted compensation to be bumped. The airline had offered passengers $800 dollars to be placed on another flight but none of them accepted the offer.

Airline industry spokesman, Gratis Surcharge, made a statement to the media:

“United was well within their rights as an American corporation to evacuate the entire flight and leave these ungrateful passengers stranded.”

“An airline’s priorities are to make as much profit as possible, not to provide a seat to every paying passenger.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was on the flight and was willing to accept the $800 dollars along with a no luggage fee and a free meal on another flight, but the airline wanted three more passengers to accept the offer. When no one did, the plane taxied to the farthest area away from the terminal and ordered an emergency evacuation.

“It was pretty scary, we all thought that the plane was on fire or something.”

“But as we were walking back to the terminal the plane taxied by us and the pilot flipped us the Bird.”

Washington, DC: President Trump leaked his 2005 income tax return to reporter David Cay Johnston and they were shown to the public on MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow show. The 1040’s show that the President paid $38million in taxes that year.

The president was hoping that this leak would impress Americans with his wealth and dedication to paying taxes. But our experts noticed that $38 million is a paltry amount considering that undocumented illegal immigrants pay $11.6 billion a year. And that the Federal and many state budgets would collapse without their tax contributions.

While the rest of the mainstream media has ignored these facts, The Real Fake news and our reporter Andy Mocksham has blown this story wide open.

According to a study by the Institute of Taxation and Economic Policy, the 11 million undocumented immigrants in the US pay taxes on goods, services, homes, and personal income. http://www.itep.org/immigration/

Reporter Mocksham was able to get a few minutes with White House communications director Sean Spicer and he asked him if the President and he were aware of these numbers. Spicer responded,

“C’mon Andy, that is total BS, where do you get your fake news info? Everyone knows that illegals are taking away all of our jobs while they lay around all day and just collect all of the freebies like welfare and I phones! What the hell have you been smoking?

“Go and tell the President what you just told me, he needs a good laugh.”

When Mocksham went into the Oval Office and asked the President what he thought about the tax numbers he replied,

“Yeah, Andy I read that report. I know the facts, why do you think I always try to hire illegals?”

“Those people show up every damn day and they bust their ass.”

“ I have to keep saying the hateful lies because my voter base loves that shit. I would have never won the Republican nomination if I told the truth about how important these people are to our economy and society.”

“Besides, what did you think I meant when I said that Mexico was going to pay for my wall?”

“Twelve billion dollars a year will have that wall paid off in 2 years.”

Washington, DC: The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office report on the American Health Care act was released today showing that 24 million Americans will lose their health insurance, while the costs would go up almost 20% under the new plan if you include co-pays and deductibles. Immediately after it was released, Republican supporters of the plan were busy either denying the numbers or praising them.

Health and Human Services director Tom price and Budget director Mick Mulvaney were in full denial mode of the numbers saying that they were “Just absurd” and “We disagree strenuously” with the CBO report.

However, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was praising the report because even though millions of Americans would suffer a financial catastrophe, the top wealthiest Americans would receive $367 billion dollars in tax breaks and the deficit would go down by the same amount. “This will be the most incredible transfer of wealth to the top since the Reagan tax cuts in the 80’s.”

“Our plan is not about forcing people to buy expensive, one-size-fits-all coverage,” he said. “It is about giving people the choice to choose between having a place to live and food to eat, or access to a plan they want but can’t afford. When people have more choices, America is at its best. That’s what this report shows.”

“We are lowering the deficit on the backs of the poor, sick and elderly and rewarding the people who pay to get us elected. It’s the GOP way.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak with President Trump about the CBO report. When he asked him if he still thinks that every American will be covered like he promised on January 15th, he replied,

“Not everyone has the money to buy them, but they have the opportunity to if they ever have enough money. We are giving everyone the choice to be covered or not. It’s their choice.”

“Choice is good. Right now we are choosing not to wait for Obama care to finish being sabotaged by the GOP governors who chose not to participate. That could take years. We are going to finish it off a lot faster.”

“My voters wanted to get rid of it and we will believe me. It is going to be beautiful. And when it all eventually blows up, we will blame it all on Obama and the sick and elderly.
And my supporters will believe every word. I am a celebrity and they love me and hate Schumer and Pelosi hahaha.”

Washington, DC: Lawyers all across the USA are ecstatic over the new proposed Republican health care law. While the American Bar Association has not made an official statement on the American Health Care Act or AHCA, the word on the street among American attorneys is “ Colligenda Bona,”or,” Collect the Goods.” in lay terminology.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch with bankruptcy attorney Keen Conniver at a downtown Washington DC diner. When asked how the AHCA would benefit the litigators across the USA he almost could not contain himself,

“Oh my God Andy, this law is a lawyer dream come true.”

“All aspects of the law that pertains to health care will just explode.”

“And not just health care. It will affect the entire spectrum of US law from business, civil rights, estate planning, family, labor, personal injury and of course the big kahuna and my specialty, bankruptcy.”

“And not just personal bankruptcies. We are talking about huge bankruptcies of entire medical clinics and hospitals. This is going to be huge!”

“In fact, the only downside is that many doctors also minored in law and can easily pass the Bar exam and suck away a lot of the action. One of my doctor friends has already taken the exam and is ready to open his own practice representing all of his patients who will have to file bankruptcy soon after the AHCA becomes the law of the land.”

“Until that happens, long live the AHCA and Casus Fortuitus!”

“I gotta run Andy, I have an appointment with my investment guy. I am thinking about buying that vacation house in the Bahamas that I have always dreamed of.”

“Here is my card for when you get sick and then dropped by your health insurance.”

Washington, DC: US President Trump, who loves to be paid licensing fee’s whenever someone wants his brand on something, said today that he will place his name on the new GOP health care bill called the “American Health Care Act” if paid a large enough licensing fee.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham asked the President today why the new bill was not called “Trump Care” like the ACA was named after his predecessor President Obama.

“Obama is not a businessman Mocksham. He had no idea how to profit from this office. I am the most powerful man in the world and I will not put my name on this piece of crap legislation unless the lobbyists pay me to do it.”

“How big of a fee? I will take 10% of whatever the Health Insurance companies get in profit from the bill. Should be a very bigly fee. Tremendous. Yuuuge”

“I am not interested in notoriety unless I am getting paid to be notorious. These lobbyists get paid a lot of money, I know, I have spent a lot of green on them in my life.”

Washington, DC: US President Trump held a meeting yesterday with a death panel of the nations largest health insurance company CEO’s.

They discussed the most favorable way to repeal the Affordable Care Act (ACA) or Obama care as it is most commonly called.

While no one specific type of plan was decided on, they all agreed that the best way to proceed was to only cover healthy young people.

Americans with pre-existing conditions and the elderly would all be left to fight over a drastically reduced pool of Medicaid and Medicare funding until they all filed for bankruptcy and died off.

This would maximize profits and make their shareholders very happy, ensuring the highest possible bonuses and compensation packages for each of the respective CEO’s and their board of directors.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask the President a few questions after the meeting.

When asked if such a plan would do irreparable damage to the medical industry and the very fabric of American society, even possibly causing it to collapse, the president replied.

“Mocksham, I like you. You are the only fake news reporter I will ever talk to. Yes, the American health care system and society could fall apart bigly if we move to a vouchering or healthier savings account type of system, but sometimes you have to tear something down in order to make it even biglyer”

“Who would have thought that profiting from health care and boosting Wall Street was so complicated?”

“Besides, when all that bad stuff happens I will just blame all the sick people.”