Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1356

Busted
A police officer was hoping to catch a drunk driver, so he waited outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight, so he parked himself right around the bar and waited for someone to come out drunk and try to drive.
Sure enough, at 11:45 p.m., a man came stumbling out of the bar. It took him five minutes to get to his car and another five to turn his car on. The police officer sensed victory and let the man start driving.
He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the tavern.
He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of that bar and you were pretty loaded."
"Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunken man.
"How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer.
"Anoout 15," said the man.
"Fifteen! And you are trying to drive?!? You will get life for this," said the officer.
"Hop out of the car. I am going to run some tests on you," said the officer.
The man hopped out of his car with perfect grace. He smiled and stood on one foot, hopped up and down, and said his ABCs forwards and backwards. The police officer couldn't get it.
"Okay, let me smell your breath," said the officer.
"Sure," said the man.
He exhaled right into the officer's nose, and the officer smelled no beer on his breath.
"Well, I guess I am going to have to let you go, but why did you stumble out of the bar so drunk?"
"Oh I am the DD," said the man.
"The designated driver?"
"No, the designated decoy," said the man. Jerry R.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1357

Missing Employee
One morning a grumpy boss notices that one of his employees is not at his desk, so he calls his home. A small child answers in a whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your father home?" the boss asks.
"Yes," the child replies.
"May I please speak with him?"
"No," is the response.
"Okay, is your mommy home then?"
"Yes," is whispered again.
"May I please speak with her?"
"No," is the reply.
By now the boss is getting frustrated. "What are they doing then?" he asks.
"Talking to the policeman," the child whispers.
Now this gets the bosses attention. "Why is there a policeman there?" he asks.
"He came in the helicopter," the child whispers.
"A helicopter?" Now his interest is really intrigued. "Why is there a helicopter there?" he asks in an excited voice.
"They're all with the search party," the child says.
"A search party, who are they searching for?" the boss asks.
"Me," the voice replies, and then hangs up. Jerry Siegmund

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1358

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
One hand on wheel, one finger and head out the window, cursing, cutting across all traffic lanes: Philly.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, and both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in backseat: Italy.
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
One hand on the wheel, the other holding a cell phone, driving 130 mph and four feet from another car's bumper, late for happy hour, while flashing headlights to tell others to get the hell out of the way: Washington, D.C., Beltway. Michael Y.

Thursday

Joke
N°
1359

Weird Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, "Geez, that's a weird dog. He's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
Fifty dollars is laid down. Out in the yard, the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. A drinker claims his pit bull will win, but this time the bet is for $100.
Another trip to the yard follows, and when it's all over there are bits of pit bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say, what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink, it was the same breed as every other alligator." Mike Fennessy

Friday

Joke
N°
1360

Hung Like An Elephant
A man goes to see his doctor because he has an incredibly small penis and wants to know if anything can be done to help him.
The doctor rolls his eyes and says, "Okay, let's have a look."
The guy drops his pants and the doctor tries not to laugh and says, "You're right! You definitely need help! But you're in luck because we have a new procedure now that uses tissue taken from the trunk of a newborn baby elephant. It doesn't hurt you and doesn't hurt the elephant, so everybody wins."
The guy says, "Sign me up!"
So he checks into the hospital and has the operation. After convalescing for a while, he gets the courage to ask a girl out on a date.
They're having dinner at a nice restaurant, when suddenly his penis rips through his pants, snakes up over the edge of the table, grabs a biscuit, and disappears back under the table. The guy doesn't know what to think, and the girl's eyes are as big as quarters.
"Can you do that again?" she asks.
The guy gasps and says, "I think so, but I don't think my ass can take another biscuit!" Denis N. Salins

Saturday

Joke
N°
1361

Two Vacationing Priests
Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals, when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."
The men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"
Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"
The blonde replies, "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!" Salvatore N.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1300

Cat Clock
A man is walking down the street and spots another man with a cat in his hands. He walks up to him and asks him why he has a cat in his hands. The man replies, "To tell time."
He of course doesn't believe the man with the cat, and asks him to prove it. So the cat owner squeezes the cat, which causes it to screech, which causes a guy across the street to yell, "Would you shut that cat up, it's one o' clock in the morning!" Dave T.