I'm Sick of Candy Corn

Welcome to The Nitpicker. Jason Kessler loves to complain almost as much as he loves to eat. Join him on his journey through the imperfect universe of food.

(Credit: Matt Duckor)

Did you have a favorite Halloween candy when you were little? I did. It was called “everything.” Well, everything with three small exceptions: Smarties, hard candy, and candy corn. Smarties, because they’re essentially antacids. The hard candy earned its spot by being awful and taking up valuable pillowcase real estate every year. (Yes, my candy “basket” was a pillowcase.) Candy corn made the list because I honestly believe it’s one of the worst candies of all time. I’m fairly sure that the seven circles of Halloween candy hell are comprised of an outer layer of Smarties, a second ring of weird old person hard candy, and then five full circles of candy corn, each larger and more grotesque than the next. As you may have gathered, I’m so sick of candy corn.

If you must know, candy corn was developed in Philadelphia in the late 19th century and has grown in popularity so much that there are now more than 35 million pounds of the stuff sold every year. Initially, the American public was fascinated that the candy came out in not one, but three separate colors — all in the same candy. I imagine it was the 1880′s version of 3D. Eight ingredients are in the basic recipe: sugar, corn syrup, confectioner’s glaze, natural/artificial flavorings and colors, salt, egg whites, honey glycerin, mineral oil, and carnauba wax. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to use my mineral oil for getting sticker residue off my windshield, not for my candy.

I wish I had a video of the first time I tried candy corn. It would be much like the YouTube meme of babies eating lemons: My taste buds recoiled in horror at the atrocity of eating that much condensed sugar — and my face followed suit. From that point onward, I have always hated candy corn. The odd thing is that I try it again every October, just to make sure I still think it’s vile. I’m clearly masochistic.

(Credit: Matt Duckor)

There’s a lot to hate about these little teepees of junk. Tops on my list is that it doesn’t even taste good. Then comes the fact that they are so incredibly unhealthy. They are the original incarnation of “corn sugar” and they’re the opposite of diabetic-friendly. While the candy corn lobbyists may try to sway you with facts like “candy corn is 100% fat-free” and “candy corn has never been endorsed by the Taliban,” don’t be fooled. Candy corn is just gross. It’s also destructive. Do you know how many kids ruin their braces by chewing on candy corn? Tons. Orthodontists everywhere have it on their hit lists and you should, too. There’s also that offensive color scheme. I know it’s supposed to represent fall and everything, but yellow, orange, and white? That’s so ugly. The Houston Astros of the 1980s seemed to borrow their uniform design from candy corn and it’s one of the ugliest jerseys in baseball history.

Coincidence? Hardly.

The real corn industry gets lots of government subsidies to keep them in business, but I’m wondering how much money I would have to pay to subsidize candy companies not to make candy corn. Whatever the price, I think it’s worth it.

Based in Los Angeles, Jason Kessler has written for television shows such as NBC’s The Office, True Jackson, VP on Nickelodeon, and The MTV Movie Awards. Photo by Matt Armendariz.