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H wants to renew our vows as our anniversary is in October. I told him I'm not sure if I can but then told him I wouldn't mind sitting back with my arms crossed while he says them again to me - after all I wasn't the one who broke them in the first place!

Shortly after Dday we got new wedding bands - cheap ones but engraved with "I promise" on the inside. I just couldn't stand the thought of his old one touching her. I personally think waiting and getting nice bands then renewing them would be perfect - maybe on our 20th anniversary? Although to be honest I would like to hear him say them sooner with the intention of actually sticking to it this time. *sigh*

My wife wants/wanted to renew ours as well, and I've seen her scoping out new wedding bands on occasion if we pass a jewelry section. I don't know... I just know I'm not ready for that NOW, you know? Feels premature. I think that eventually, if R goes well, it's not only something I'll want, but will also be something I feel I need..... but if we do it before I feel like she's a safe partner, it's going to feel cheap and unimportant.

Me: 31 Her: 30

"Now I know that's contradiction, wants and needs in competition/But it's hard to stay on point with such extremes in opposition."

Still married.

Posts: 3911 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois

wert♂ 34478Member # 34478

Posted: 10:07 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013

Don't think saying them again would really mean anything other than to remind me that they are just words.

You know that is the rub for me. I meant them. I think she did too. Some people are asshats and some people get way off track due to a myriad of reasons. Asshats - leave them. The other group is more difficult. If they cop to it and change, grace should be granted. Those were not the exact words I said, but its what I meant by the sickness and health business. I knew going in things would be hard. I knew going in that the life long promises we were making were kind of nuts. I mean 'anything' could literally happen over the 40 or 50 years! Anything did happen. Anything will happen again. She copped to it, I am granting grace, it was all part of the original deal. Forgiveness of self and your M partner on a regular bases keeps you sane. The key is do you or they earn that forgiveness by feeling bad about it, making lasting change and moving on...

My two cent on vows...

take care....

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Jan 2012

TxsT♀ 39996Member # 39996

Posted: 10:10 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013

I have asked for only one thing from my husband for our 25th anniversary in 12 days......I want a letter from him about where he wants our marriage to go in the next 25 years.

I too want a reformation of our love and devotion but I want to do it privately. This is for us, not the world, and for us alone.

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN

SorrowBhindSmile♀ 38139Member # 38139

Posted: 10:13 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013

My WH and i have had similar conversations.

I have not worn my wedding ring since DDay. I simply cant do it. I cant explain it, but i just cant. My WH refuses to take his ring off. Even tho he wore it during the A, he still says it means something to him and he just cant take it off.

We talked about melting down the old rings and having new ones made. or buying new ones. Renewing our vows. Recommitting to eachother.

But that time isnt now. (8 months out from DDay) While i would love to sit back and hear the words...i cant trust the sincerity behind them at this stage of my recovery. I need more time for me, to work on me and to trust my feelings again.

Someday!

hugs to you.

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013

wert♂ 34478Member # 34478

Posted: 10:22 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013

Two other things on this topic.

i cant trust the sincerity behind them at this stage of my recovery.

Context matters - a lot. Where you are greatly impacts these questions. I am in a great place with me and a good place with us. Hence my previous post. Not everyone has the same frame - you know?

Rings. Silly little things. I always thought that were and still do. Never liked decorating myself. I stopped wearing my after dday as a message to my W. I have not put it back on for two reasons. First, I hurt my finger and it doesn't fit anymore. Secondly, I never want to wear the thing and I still don't. That is not a value judgement on my M, it just ain't me. I got's to be me you know. I got's to be me.

take care...

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Jan 2012

TattoodChinaDoll♀ 34602Member # 34602

Posted: 11:12 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013

This is not to say don't do it as I am not familiar with how R is going for you. Just want to tell you my story as something to think about.

I did not wear my engagement and wedding ring after DDay. And I knew I'd never be able to again. I didn't want to save it for my daughters. I felt it was like giving them a cursed object. When it clicked in my head that WH had touched OW with his wedding ring still on his hand, I made him take it off. I eventually told him to sell all of the rings. I don't regret selling them one bit. They were tainted and couldn't be saved to me. I had asked him to get me a new engagement ring so he could "re-propose." I thought maybe it would show his commitment. That he would get it...that he was willing to spend the money and mean his words even not knowing if I would say I wanted a divorce the next day. Well, he got me a ring...2 months later I had to throw him out because be was still trickle truthing me. 3 months after that his emotional abuse got so bad that I told him I was done.

Is your WH remorseful? How has R been? Is he consistent and transparent? Do his words and actions match? I hope I didn't scare you if this is what you want. If you don't feel ready, there is no rush.

I've pondered the whole renewing vows thing. We are certainly not anywhere near where we need to be to do that but when we do get there, I think it is something I would consider. Mostly because "this" marriage has to be different than the marriage in which he had the affair. It is a new start and I think I need and he needs a sign like new wedding rings or new vows to indicate that we aren't following the same patterns or continuing in an unsuccessful marriage.

On the subject of wedding rings, I'm making WH wear his for the first time since we got married. He doesn't like jewelry and never wore it in the past. Now he will. He needs that reminder. I want him to look at his hand and know that he has made a commitment. I'm still wearing my rings but that is because the set I wear is my grandmothers and I wear it to honor her. THe ring I got at our wedding I haven't been able to wear since I had kids. But I will never wear it again. OW stood up for me at our wedding. She helped me pick out the ring. We bought it from her mother who was a jeweler at the time. It will never see the light of day again.

Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303

shatteredheart7♀ 39734Member # 39734

Posted: 12:18 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013

This is something I needed before I could even begin really trying to forgive him. He broke his vows and I needed him to say them again. I adore my wedding rings so I didn't want to replace them, so we added a matching band. He was more than willing to do this for me. When we went to talk to the preacher about doing it he confessed to him why we were doing this and asked him to be sure and stress the promise to be faithful when he did his vows. The only people there were my kids and a couple close friends. It was for us and it was to help my kids understand that we are committed to each other. It really did help.

Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013

PamJ♀ 40475Member # 40475

Posted: 9:40 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013

My FWH mentioned renewing our vows when we went to Vegas last month, but, I wasn't going to jump in and plan it, (I made all the other arrangements) so it didn't happen.

He has a habit of saying "we" should do something and expecting me to do it. Often I do, like planning the vacations, booking the flights, hotels etc, but not for this.

We are going to St Lucia in January and he asked if we should renew them there, I said maybe, because, once again, he expects me to take over the task he brought up.

Just once it would be really nice if HE planned something, and especially if he surprised me with it.

I wouldn't want to do a whole church thing again, maybe something private on the beach, but I am not the one who will plan it, so it probably won't happen.

[This message edited by PamJ at 9:42 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.