The River Recap: Evaluating All the Bad Decisions Made in Episode Five

While I mentioned last week that the cast still had plenty of time to plunge back into the negatives for an overall season score, I admit I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. You’d think a crew would grow a bit more conservative when forced to deal with the supernatural on almost a daily basis, but not the adventurers aboard the Magus! Let’s take a look at the great choices they made this episode:

Episode Five: “Peaches”

The Magus finds another ship in the Boiúna…by running into it (-4): Several unnerving things occurred at once here. One, the ship ran aground. Two, the river began boiling. Oh, and three, the other ship that ran them off course suddenly disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. And yet, after all that, nobody decides to freak out. Has no one seen Pirates of the Caribbean?? Does the phrase “ghost ship” mean nothing to these people?

Lincoln attempts to get everyone to abandon the Magus and proceed on foot (-8): Though the river and the Magus have been the team’s lifelines since it entered the Amazon, Lincoln decides to abandon both after the ship’s engines fail. Yes, waiting to fix the engines would have delayed them—but switching to Zodiac rafts, which quickly run out of gas, leaves them hiking on foot. They should know by now this never goes well. Lincoln, it turns out, has more in common with Tess than we originally thought.

Kirk eavesdrops on the Exodus crew (+5):Finally, someone decides it might be worth looking into this four-man crew of hippie-pirates who roam the Amazon sabotaging illegal logging vessels. Extra points to Kirk for cleverly using the creepy stalker cams set up all around the Magus, rather than loitering right outside their door with his ear pressed to it (unlike some people, see below).

Lena and Jonas, on the other hand, sneak onto the Exodus, his camera in hand (-7):Both should know better than to go poking their noses into places they don’t belong. It’s becoming harder and harder to understand Lena’s fascination with investigating ominous ghost sounds that emanate from deep within strange ships. The first time she barged her way onto an apparently abandoned vessel, she was almost eaten alive. How does this carbon-copy scenario from the pilot not scream: danger? And Jonas just finished five or six months’ vine torture for filming something he shouldn’t have…I get that the actual endgame in checking out the Exodus was to get into Lena’s pants, but he could have at least left the camera behind.

Kirk pulls aside the captain of the Exodus (+2): Points for Kirk doing his job, but only a couple. The eavesdropping session earlier had quite plainly revealed that the Exodus crew planned to kill everyone on board the Magus eventually. Good discovery! But why confront him alone? Sure, leave behind Tess, who’d sacrifice everyone else in the crew in exchange for a clue about her missing husband. But maybe bring Lincoln? Clark? Someone with a weapon or at least two fists? Or simply warn the rest of your team about the Exodus crew’s evil plans. You know, so your guys maybe stop partying and doing shots with them for a minute.

Tess decides to enter the hold of the Exodus (-8):Tess, there’s desperate and then there’s dumb. If everyone you’ve spoken to so far calls you crazy for going into uncharted portions of the Amazon, why would you so easily believe that these people you’ve just met have a complete map of the Boiúna?

Lincoln and Clark leave the Magus in search of the missing crew (+3):It took them a hell of a long time to realize that 90% of their crew was no longer on board their own ship. But at least they noticed? I’ll be honest: all of the points here come from Jahel not only staying sober the whole episode but also discovering where the Exodus is, and telling Lincoln and Clark what they’re dealing with.

Kirk breaks the crew out of its makeshift prison (+9): I’m pretty sure the moral of this scene was: “Don’t mess with Kirk, ever.” Using his bare hands, he managed to rip open a barred door on a ghost ship and free everyone trapped with him. Why does he even need to carry a gun?

Lincoln and Clark set the Exodus on fire (+6):I am a wholehearted supporter of destroying anything and everything supernatural that kills random travelers. While I’m not sure why the advice to use fire came from Kirk rather than Clark and Lincoln (who had already gotten the rundown from Jahel via radio), at least someone thought on his feet.