I'm invited to a bridal shower and a wedding for biker boy's niece. I'm going to the wedding with him, but I can't make the bridal shower (nor do I really want to go, but that's beside the point.) Anyway, I'm sending my regrets but I'd also like to send her a card and a small gift. But I don't know what. The facts:

- I don't know her very well- She's 25-ish- Kind of a partier normally, but 12 weeks pregnant currently- They live with her parents but I don't know what their plans are after the wedding- Yeah... that's all I got

Usually I don't like to get something off the registry for a shower, unless it's specified as a (for example, kitchen) themed shower. But I don't know her well enough to go with the old contribute-to-the-bride's-trousseau thing either. Unless I can come up with something thoughtful and appropriate, I guess it'll be a gift card to wherever they're registered. But the PPK is smart and creative so maybe you guys have a brilliant idea or two?

I was totally going to say booze until I read the pregnant thing. I hate registries too, and never comply with them.

How about, a small gift basket filled with somewhat gourmet food items? Such as high-end chocolate, fun spice blends, fancy candy, etc...I don't know how much you are wanting to spend, but maybe a gift certificate for a manicure or facial or something, if she's into that kind of thing? Maybe a gift certificate (I know, not creative) to a nice restaurant, record store, or bookstore?

I like the idea of chocolate! And maybe something nice from Lush to help ease the stress of wedding planning and being pregnant? My sister and I are both teachers, and we often exchange stress relief gifts like bath bombs and nice body wash as a reminder to take care of ourselves and relax.

I am curious about the anti-registry sentiment... When one of my friends got married a while back, she got really frustrated with people buying off registry. Her theory was that she understood that they were trying to be thoughtful with their gifts, but she's trying to start a new home for herself and her husband and she registered for stuff she really needed and wanted, and she was bummed to get stuff off registry and subsequently felt guilty and like a bad person for not appreciating the thoughtful gifts that people tried to get.

Obviously, that may not be a common sentiment, but I'm just curious as to the take that you guys have on this.

_________________Your heart is a muscle the size of a fistKeep loving, keep fighting

I will totally buy wedding gifts off the registry, but I always think the shower gift is supposed to be a personal gift for the bride herself. So that's where I don't like to do the registry thing. I like the idea of chocolate, lush bath stuff, etc...

If you don't know her well, I would ask biker boy if he has any suggestions. If he has none, I'd go for the gift card to a place you know she'll use. I am a bit odd but the things people usually suggest as things everyone will like are often not things I would want as a gift. So I tend to either ask the person what they want or if that is not possible, go with something I know they'll use.

_________________Panda With Cookie If I get caught as a fugitive eating chain pizza, its going to be Pizza Hut. -linanilanil

I've never bought off a registry for a bridal shower I guess because a lot of it just seems really materialistic (like ridiculously expensive stainless steal trashcans and stuff). Maybe the people I know have weird registries or maybe I'm too judge-y. In the past I've given a lot of hand made stuff, either food-related or crafty. If you don't know her very well, a gift certificate would be super cool but you might ask her first what sorts of places she's into. I think it would be ok to ask her directly, especially if she might be into a massage or something that would help once she's in the middle of pregnancy and wedding planning.

some of my fav bridal gifts that were not things I registered for:- thank you cards, if you can get the mailing list of those invited you can even print out address labels for them- take out menu box already stuffed with menus of area restaurants and a gift card to one of them- subscription to a bridal magazine (if you know the wedding is still a ways away; works better for an engagement gift though)

When my best friend got married a couple years ago, she was really frustrated with people buying off-registry for the wedding. She got like 20 picture frames, and a bunch of other things she had no use for.

She didn't register for the shower, and she got a lot of stupid shiitake like t-shirts and underwear that said "bride" on them, and a hundred lotions and other body products. There's nothing particularly wrong with that stuff, but I think lots of people default to that when they don't know what else to buy. I recently went to a shower and I bought the bride a lighted makeup mirror, which I learned from her fiance that she wanted. If you have contact information for someone close to the bride (mom, sister, good friend, etc.), maybe reach out and ask for gift ideas?

I am personally a believer in cash. It's a universal gift card, and that's honestly what everyone truly wants. Include homemade cookies or candies to say "I put some effort into this." Done!

I will totally buy wedding gifts off the registry, but I always think the shower gift is supposed to be a personal gift for the bride herself. So that's where I don't like to do the registry thing. I like the idea of chocolate, lush bath stuff, etc...

OOOOOHHHH. There we are, that makes perfect sense. So far, none of my friends who have gotten married have had showers, so all the presents have been wedding presents.

Now it makes sense! Thank you!

_________________Your heart is a muscle the size of a fistKeep loving, keep fighting

If you can find out where she'll be getting her hair or her nails or whatever done for the wedding, you could do a gift certificate for that. I think the takeout menu idea is really cute! I've seen people do like "pantry stocking" type gifts for showers - spices, oils, etc. - but that might be uneccessary if they're living with parents.

I just got my husband's cousin a mani/pedi gift certificate for her shower, and she absolutely loved it. Great idea for a mom-to-be, too! (you could always got for just the mani or the pedi if you don't want to spend as much.)

My husband and I had a wedding registry, because we got married right out of college and needed all the help we could get. It was nice to get off-registry gifts from close friends and family who knew us well, but SO many people who really didn't know us bought us stuff we didn't want or need. The registry's there to help you, people!

We ended up with nine salad bowls. Nine. You know, because we're vegan. Vegans eat salad.

If I'm not a fan of the registry stuff, I usually go with something small on it and then something nicer that goes with it. The last shower I went to was kitchen themed, and the bride had a pancake warmer on the registry (actually kind of cool), so I got her that with some fancy pancake mix and local maple syrup. Maybe you could do something like that?

_________________sometimes, I see a really cute woman and I'm so excited I poop myself ~ Olives

I think that shower presents should be different from the wedding gift, which is usually what the registry is for. A lot of people get lingerie and stuff for the bride...but that can be uncomfortable esp if you dont know her well. But a personal gift for the bride is typically what it should be.

I think the mani-pedi (or a spa gift certificate) is a great idea.

Last shower I went to, I knew they were going to Tahiti for thier honeymoon, so I got the bride a kit for her trip! I got her a cute beach tote, some totes adorbs sandals that said 'just married' on the bottom so they wrote it in the sand, mr. and mrs. luggage tags, and mr. and mrs beer koozies (they are big drinkers)

It was pretty inexpensive and she LOVED them. She used them, took pics and sent them to me :)

I don't know if any of those would work in your situation, but here are some links just in case.

I am curious about the anti-registry sentiment... When one of my friends got married a while back, she got really frustrated with people buying off registry. Her theory was that she understood that they were trying to be thoughtful with their gifts, but she's trying to start a new home for herself and her husband and she registered for stuff she really needed and wanted, and she was bummed to get stuff off registry and subsequently felt guilty and like a bad person for not appreciating the thoughtful gifts that people tried to get.

Obviously, that may not be a common sentiment, but I'm just curious as to the take that you guys have on this.

This is why registries exist! I understand wanting to be creative and personal with gifts. But really for showers the registry is the way to go.

I think it really does depend on the type of shower and who is throwing it and sometimes the age of the bride too. If it is a group of friends throwing the shower at somebody's apartment you'd expect lingerie and personal stuff. If it's the bride's mom or great aunt or something throwing the shower at a restaurant you'd expect registry items.

I'm anti registry only for really close friends. People I know really well I want them to remember me when they pull out my gift, and generally if I know them that well I can think of something they'll love. If I don't have a perfect gift however, I do registries for showers and generally cash for weddings. I do like adding on though like the pancake idea mentioned or adding a favorite cookbook in with baking pans.

I always expect lingerie at a bridal shower. But it is normally only given from the Mother of the bride or Sister, something like that. I'm always secretly wishing a sex toy will show up! I would be the person to give a bride a sex toy at her shower if I didn't think she would be mortified. Haven't been able to do it yet.

I think it really does depend on the type of shower and who is throwing it and sometimes the age of the bride too. If it is a group of friends throwing the shower at somebody's apartment you'd expect lingerie and personal stuff. If it's the bride's mom or great aunt or something throwing the shower at a restaurant you'd expect registry items.

This one is given by the 21-year-old sister, who is also a partier, at the home of their parents, where four 20-somethings live in the basement and there's a beer fridge on the back porch. Grandma will be there, but she makes jello shots with tequila and plays speed quarters with the kids. So you can see how I might be confused! :P

I think I'm just going to put some Lush bath bombs and some chocolates in a pretty box and send it with a nice card and my regrets, and call it good.

I think it really does depend on the type of shower and who is throwing it and sometimes the age of the bride too. If it is a group of friends throwing the shower at somebody's apartment you'd expect lingerie and personal stuff. If it's the bride's mom or great aunt or something throwing the shower at a restaurant you'd expect registry items.

This one is given by the 21-year-old sister, who is also a partier, at the home of their parents, where four 20-somethings live in the basement and there's a beer fridge on the back porch. Grandma will be there, but she makes jello shots with tequila and plays speed quarters with the kids. So you can see how I might be confused! :P

I think I'm just going to put some Lush bath bombs and some chocolates in a pretty box and send it with a nice card and my regrets, and call it good.

it was definitely off the registry, but this is the problem: when you make a registry at target or bed bath and beyond or wherever, then you totally miss out on all the cool stuff at williams sonoma that i get with my mom's discount! what the fizzle! anyways that book does not work if your friends are vegan.

I was invited to a wedding shower this weekend and all that was included in the invitation was a slip of paper saying she was registered at Amazon. When I called the shower organizer, she told me that the only registry is the official wedding registry (Target, Crate & Barrel, and Amazon).

So does that mean I'm expected to buy essentially two things from the wedding registry, one for the shower and one for the wedding? I already feel weird buying traditional gifts for couples who have been together for ages, but it's what they've requested. Add to it, nothing on there except a glass measuring cup is under $25 and honestly that's all I can spend right now. What do you guys think? Would it be rude for me to go off registry? And how much are we expected to spend on a shower gift, esp if you don't know that person very well?

If you don't know the person very well then I think under $25 and off registry is fine. It depends on how you are connected to the person-you-don't-know-very-well, I think. Honestly it is one of my pet peeves to get a shower invitation from someone i don't know, like one of my mom's co-worker's daughters or something like that- it's just so obvious that the person is fishing for gifts. In that case, I just send nothing. It's not like I'm ever going to see that person. But if it's like the situation above, where the boyfriend's sister is being nice and including you, then I totally think under $25 is fine. Even a nice handmade card and a $25 gift card inside (maybe to the place they are registered) is enough to show that you are sending good wishes.