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Me And Men And God

Since I was 1 years old my parents have been divorced. For good reason, my dad isn’t the guy who becomes a husband or a father. A fantastic one anyway. Since then my mom has been a rock for me and my dad has tried his best to be apart of my life. I consider myself lucky but it has also created this massive longing to fill a hole for a manly figure in my life. So boys have been a problem. Then when I turned 13 and started going through puberty, I was molested. Creating so many more problems and one of which was a massive leap in sexual and even emotional maturity that I wasn’t prepared for. So among the other problems I was dealing with, I was also trying to explore this new world that I had been thrown into. Which got me into huge amounts of trouble. I craved manly attention in all forms and got very emotional and depressed when I didn’t get it. When the start of senior year came around I accepted Jesus into my life. He started fulfilling that longing. At the time I had been in an almost 2 year long relationship which, after being convicted of my idle of him, I ended. I ended it because I knew that the relationship wasn’t good for me or for him. After I went through the motions of a break up, I started my relationship with Jesus. Its been around 2 years since then and I have grown in my faith. I have struggled with desiring a relationship. One with a Godly man but I would want it in my own time. So through this God is teaching patience and trust in Him. He has been blessing me with wisdom in his word and to know what should be on my heart. There was a time where I would pray that he would provide a Godly man for me to lead me. But after awhile, I realized that I already had the God of the universe guiding me. So I started praying that, if He plans it, my heart and my soul be drenched in His word and all that who He is so when or if God sends a Godly man in my life for me to marry, I will be a crown on top of his head. A crown blessed by God so that I could bring as much of God as possible into that relationship. I want to honor my husband by being a Godly wife. But for now I am growing through his word. He has been showing me his truth and his beauty. I have been convicted of so many things and I have thrown away the things that tempt me to sin. But most of all, He has filled every emptiness in me with his love and grace. He has healed me from the pain I have gone through that has lead me to go to other fulfillments. God can heal anything.

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2 Comments

You are so brave to write about and release into the world your most private thoughts and feelings. I have been reading about the writing life for several years now and still have not followed through on what I feel is my calling to write so others can benefit from what I have learned through my trials and consequences. Stay courageous and don’t be swayed from your mission by fear, rejection, persecution or any other form of small-mindedness that will definitely come your way because you are brave and speaking truth.