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January 3, 2017

Goodbye Goodbye

Well.

2016, huh? Jesus Christ. This year kicked my ass and then handed it me.

I hesitated to write because so much of my year was consumed by ppd, and I never wanted my baby girl to read about that and ever feel like she could possibly be the cause of any darkness or pain. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't my fault, either. Sometimes I wish I'd written it down, for other mamas, or for my daughter, for someday, if she is suffering too and she needs it. Maybe I can still drum up some version of the story eventually. We'll see.

Anyway, 2016. I've been depressed, and broke as fucking fuck, and still plugging away doggedly at my accounting classes. I have one more semester to go; the end is finally in sight. We moved all our stuff twice, were technically homeless for two months in between. I drove to Washington State with my kids during the summer and spent three weeks with my people there. I quit Facebook and I started running again, probably my best decisions of the year. And then there was the election and its heartbreaking result. You guys. YOU GUYS. Seriously, I can't even. I'm still sick about it.

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I've mulled over many posts that never made it to the screen. I'm sorry but I'm not that sorry. I just couldn't do it, that's all. I'll always have a special place in my heart for this blog. My little corner of the internet, where I worked through grief, and shared light when I could, and made some lovely online friends. Crafting a post can be therapeutic, but I clearly don't have time or energy for it right now. I'm overwhelmed by big and real problems and I'm very lonely, to be honest, and the season I'm in calls for more direct interactions. So. All this to say: Do you want to be my friend in real life?

I don't use FB anymore, but I do have the Messenger app on my phone. I don't always have my phone in my hand or my pocket, but it's usually in the same room at least. I'll message you back as soon as I can. I'll send you a picture of my kids being adorable. Or terrible. I'll send you memes if that's your jam. I'll send you something real in the mail, maybe, sometime, you never know. I will meet up with you in real life, if you want to, if we happen to be in the same area at the same time and I can get away. I'm down.