I spent all day yesterday at Layla’s bedside. The poor little thing is resistant to any kind of sedating med they’ve tried. Apparently she was wild last night. Kept waking up and thrashing around. They changed her meds yet again and she STILL isn’t out like she should be!! I wish there was something to help her rest and forget all this is happening to her.

Today my other daughter, Aliyah, is coming to visit. It will be good to see her! She lost her first tooth Friday! I’m so bummed I wasn’t there! Her grandma is playing tooth fairy for me. So I sit here again today, keeping watch over my baby.

Yesterday I took my 3 y.o. daughter to have her third, yes, THIRD set of tubes for her ears and a tonsillectomy in the hopes it would stop all her ear infections.Very routine, in and out the same day.

Until disaster struck.I had been waiting in her cubicle for awhile when the surgery coordinator came in to tell me that the ENT had hit a vessel in her ear and she had lost what was a great deal of blood for her.About 200ml.They started a blood transfusion and it was decided that the small rural hospital we were at was not enough.She needed to be airlifted to Minneapolis, 2 hours away by car.I’ve never been so devastated!!I flew with her, she was intubated, poor baby. She's been saying she wants to fly, how ironic it was this way. And she won't remember it........in fact when she was somewhat conscious last evening she shook her head 'no' when I told her she rode in a helicopter.

We got to University Children’s hospital and the docs did an angiogram.Turns out her carotid arteries, which supply our brain with blood, were curved into her middle ear which isn’t where they should be.The doctor had nicked this artery but luckily was centered enough to apply pressure and packing.

Layla will be intubated until at leastMonday and will be in hospital until the end of the week.The doctor wants her to remain quiet and watch her for further bleeding.No further surgery needs to be done at this point.

It’s my feeling now that this artery bulging into her ear canal could have been one of the issues with her ear infections.Not sure how tubes may help in the future.Yes, she still could use them but it will be done here, at the U of Mn, where they can fix problems much quicker.

I sit here and I could be wallowing in self pity but seeing the other two very little ones in here in much worse condition humbles me. It reminds me to thank God for my blessings and that despite this very scary incident she is still a healthy little girl! Keep us in your prayers that everything else goes smoothly. I know my faith in God is getting me through this.

We all have limits, some more than others.Something that keeps us from fully living what we may be feeling.It can be religious/faith, weight, career, friendships, relationships, many things.

Had a fabulous coffee chat with Stacy!Wow!What ideas we bounced back and forth about this very thing.Not solving world problems mind you, just things that we wanted to change in ourselves.We have a great deal in common, more than we realized.There are things within that I’m frankly a chicken to let loose.Oh my God!What would other people think?I know I know I shouldn’t let that stop me.I should stay true to my desires.I did so good with my nutrition and wellness but have let myself be indifferent to it for too long.I know what I want to stand for but actually doing it?Scary!

Far too often I let others dictate how I live instead of living how I want to live.I made the choice to practice Christianity again but also still reading my Qu’ran.I can do both, it’s my choice.It doesn’t damn me, I don’t and won’t believe that.Yet I find myself cowering to express my faith.I love God, I believe that God is what controls all things, we just often ignore His guidance.My life becomes unbalanced.What an incredible God that can give us so many ways to learn His will!I want to embrace this openly instead of only within me.I’ve always felt awkward around others who are zealous about their religion and faith.I’m just as much so, just not openly.

I see others in troubled relationships and feel for them.I’ve been there.I want them to know that when they’re ready there are many of us there to support them in breaking free.

I love my career but it is not the end all of my life.I have a life away from work that is even more valuable for me.For some, they live to work and we need those people.For others, like myself, we don’t and we deserve just as much respect from employers as those that will put work first

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I’ve reached a point where I just don’t have time or patience for trivial bullshit.There is more, so much more to life that will bring happiness and wellness.I may lose my motivation some days but I still want that end result.

Hopefully this doesn't sound too disjointed. Just had this all inside and had to get it down.

I spent the other day cleaning up posts in my blog.I’ve reached a place where I don’t want the past up for the world to see.I’ve been doing some internal sorting of things as well.

For some time now I’ve felt like there is something not right within me.I feel angry and irritable frequently and without any cause.I get mad talking about my ex-husband, thinking about him and pray that I can let that anger go and find some forgiveness.I really want that forgiveness because I think it will bring me peace that I desperately need.I need to let go of all the wrongs and pain that happened in our marriage.So why is it so hard to find it?

I also find myself so short with the kids and let me tell you, I hate that worse than anything.I keep thinking how I love having kids around and listening to them play.I seem to be intolerant or irritated too often.I try to control it and not let it loose but it happens.I yell I lose my temper and it isn’t nice at all.My kids also have that same short fuse so you can imagine how wonderful it can be when we’re all on a tear.When I have lost my temper and it wasn’t something that I should have lost it over I do apologize and then find something nice we can do together.I feel so guilty and like such failure as a parent when this happens.

I’ve talked to my doctor and we have been tweaking meds.I think I really need to find the source of this anger and discontent inside me and find a way to deal with it.

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My ex called yesterday as I was trying to feed the girls supper.I assumed he wanted to chat with them but he kept trying to tell me about his new job.I really didn’t want to know, I had the feeling from the moment he told me about it that it wasn’t the answer.He proceeded to tell me that things weren’t as they seemed.

He signed on with a placement agency before I had left Connecticut.They were supposed to give him training for job readiness and to work on projects for corporations which could lead to employment with them.Over 2 years and many phone interviews with nothing offered.Then he got this temp. position.I thought even though it was temporary that it was a foot in the door.He had made it sound like he was working for the company that needed the project.What it really was is going to this company which then contracts out to other companies.They don’t have the final approval to do this project from the interested corporation yet so don’t know if there will even be work.So he went to Pittsburg with no place to live and now not even sure he has a job.

I rolled my eyes to myself.This is just so typical of him and his grand plans.