Why I Tried To Hide My Eating Disorder But Couldn’t

I tried to hide in the bathroom, but I really couldn’t. I tried to hide the extra food that I was eating at night in recovery even, because I felt so ashamed for being so hungry. No human eye was on me. I was crying, because I had just stepped on the scale for the … 50th time that day. And that number made me ‘feel fat.’ It defined me; I thought it did. It was all secret, I thought. My eyes couldn’t see anything but myself. I searched:

Calorie CountsWeight Loss StrategiesIdeal Weights and more … thinking … or acting like I couldn’t be seen.

The whole problem was… I wasn’t acting in the light of the God who made me, the God who promises that He will be the Father of the repentant, the redeemed, even the most broken, dirty, vile people. And I had never felt so vile, realized so much that there was something my soul needed, and that was not more of me.

My soul needed to behold God, to be humbled, to realize that I needed God.

‘He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.’ (Micah 7:19)

The shame of sin is real. The shame, the guilt of my idolatry was real, and I didn’t want people to know.

#1) Jesus Christ didn’t despise the broken or the hurting; take your hurts to Him, and He will hear even when it seems like no human ear is there.

‘Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,’ (Psalm 103:2-4)

Even when the world despises you for not appearing strong and self-confident, Christ Jesus calls us to have confidence in Him, because He never changes. He gives the eternal, filling, life that only He can give.

And if Jesus Christ cleanses us, we are FREE to strong in the Lord and the power of His might. Human might comes and goes. If I had confidence in myself and my ability to recover, I wouldn’t have really recovered or had hope that my life means something.

My life is here for God. It’s not just me. It’s more than me. It’s far more than me, and my life is never hidden from God. The most comforting is knowing that Jesus Christ is with me through every valley, and my life is meant for Him now.

A new creature in Christ; old things have passed away, and all things have become new… I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of saying that Jesus Christ came to earth to do exactly this, to die for sins, to LIVE again to that human souls, eternal souls, would be at home in Him, at home in knowing that to live is Christ and to die is gain.

God knows what you are struggling with; don’t keep it in the dark. Talk about it. Pray about it. Go to a counselor. Ask for prayer. Don’t bear this burden by yourself, when the Lord promises to be the Shepherd of all who come to Him.

To end, this is what Jesus Christ does. He exposes us so that we can have major surgery and be healed from the very inside out. He doesn’t do bandaids. He does heart transformation. <3

Do you have faith, that Jesus Christ can heal you, even if you feel deserted, dark, dirty? This centurion who didn’t even know Jesus knew that Jesus Christ could say the word and heal his servant.

Jesus can heal your paralyzed heart and empty soul. He can bring out all the darkness and FILL you with light, life eternal. That is why He came.

‘When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.” Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?” The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. ‘ (Matthew 8:5-7)

I couldn’t hide the eating disorder, but the most freeing thing was being exposed to be healed. Come out of the darkness. God brings you out of the darkness and into the light.

And there is nothing more freeing than to walk in the light.

I’m not saying that I don’t still look up calorie counts, and I still do struggle with the temptation to:

Obsessively Weigh Myself
Worry about what I’m going to Eat
Sweat over too many chips eaten
Or be anxious about a restaurant meal…

But Jesus Christ has freed me to NOT be that person, to be a new person that doesn’t live like that anymore. I don’t have to hide anymore.

Yes, I have restricted, cried over clothes not fitting, spent hours looking for calorie counts, been jealous of other girls because they were so skinny, spent way too much time focused on food, body, numbers, and comparison, but I’m not going to hide that … I’ve been depressed, angry… but Jesus Christ has made me new.

I’m not going to hide who I am or was because I don’t want to hide what Jesus Christ is and does. <3

You can be free to be vulnerable, to tell others that you’re struggling. It’s not a shame to struggle. It’s not terrible to have an eating disorder; tell your story, be free, and see the beauty of the Light of the World flood into your body, your soul that was once dry. Don’t hide behind a pretense of being fine. Jesus Christ KNEW people weren’t fine, but He went to them, and saved them, so that they would no longer have to hide from God, but so that they could be healed, at peace … and full of eternal joy in Him.

‘All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.’ (John 1:3-5)

Some of the super precious amazing sisters in Christ who have not hidden their stories:

Comments

It’s funny how, when you’re in the midst of an eating disorder, you don’t recognize it yourself and you try to hide it, ignore it. Yet, everyone around you notices something’s off anyway. Thinking you can hide it is just another lie your ED tells you. Once I shared my story, I got such wonderful feedback and support, way more than I ever felt when I thought I was “in control.” Thanks for always sharing your story. Merry Christmas!

So often we feel like we are alone in our ED or are recovery and while it may FEEL that way, the truth is that we are FAR from alone. God is with us at all times – even in the moments that we are hiding our ED from family or trying to lie to ourselves – we may be able to fool friends, family and such but there is no fooling God. He sees all and He knows all and for me as someone who is in recovery, that is extremely comforting.

AMEN. It’s so humbling and comforting to know that we are seen and known by God. It’s scary at first, but that’s why we need Jesus, because He sees all our thoughts and our intentions, and He knows exactly what our souls need.

the moment I came out to my friends about my ED and what I’ve been through was SO freeing. It was like a weight off my chest. Hiding my struggles was a burden on myself. And talking about them was an incredible feeling!

Thanks for this encouraging post, Em. There is so much truth here. It’s funny how we try to hide the dark parts of ourselves from God when He sees everything and loves us unconditionally. I hope your Christmas was full of goodness and peace <3

The Life of the Writer

I live in the beautiful state of Colorado where 14ers are to give you all the sore legs you need, amazing skiing, plenty of other runners, glorious sunsets, majestic elk herds, and peaceful country roads with clear air.

Please follow & like us :)

Go Back in Time!

Go Back in Time!

I am a very ordinary girl. I’m 24, but if you met me, you wouldn’t believe me. I am passionate about girls finding true beauty in Christ. I love peanut butter, icecream, and salad. My hobbies are cooking, baking, sharing laughs and tears with others, and sharing the fullness of joy that Christ has put in me. I love reading other blogs, and I hope that this will be a place where you can find encouragement, recipes, smiles, and joy. Click here to read more about me...