The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Figure Skating Fashion Disasters On Ice

This weeks marks the start of the 2018 Winter Olympic Games in Pyeong Chang, South Korea. I haven’t done much on these events mostly since I’ve written most of my Olympics posts back during the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. And I mostly combined both the winter and summer stuff in each post, save for the Ancient Greek Olympic article. Mostly because the Ancient Greeks didn’t have a Winter Olympics since winter sports weren’t really their thing. I mean they lived in a warm Mediterranean climate where snow only existed on mountains for God’s sake. If there was anything close to a Winter Olympics in the ancient world, it would’ve most likely be in Scandinavia. Besides, there are a lot of stuff going on in February like Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, and Chinese New Year. Not to mention, the crazy shenanigans at the Trump administration.

Nonetheless, the Winter Olympics do stand out in one way for a blogger like me. And that’s in the realm of figure skating. It’s a sport where people do some high acrobatics and dances on ice skates that would send any normal person attempt these stunts to the emergency room. Even so, male figure skating remains beneath the acceptable confines of traditional masculinity in the US where we have Blades of Glory as well as male skaters portrayed a little light in the skates. Still, it’s a popular spectator event with a subjective judging system based on artistry, presentation, and interpretation. Not to mention, there is a lot of drama in the Olympic competitions. Thanks, to the film, I, Tonya, many of us will now remember Tonya Harding’s husband assaulting Nancy Kerrigan’s leg with a bat. But one key feature are the sparkly outfits the skaters wear on the ice. Some may go for the classic dress or pantsuit. Some may contain sparkles. Some may depict characters from a story or pop culture. And some may represent their culture. Sometimes these costumes can make the skater shimmer and look graceful. But occasionally, you see plenty of skaters who look totally ridiculous. In this post, I show you some of the craziest skating fashions to grace the ice (though not exclusively from the Winter Olympics). For your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of figure skating fashion fails. Enjoy.

A skater can wow the judges with a black and white clown onesie.

Well, at least he’s not wearing any clown makeup to scare the kids. Still, kind of pathetic.

2. I didn’t know you can do a figure skating routine from Magic Mike.

Then again, he might be there for the fanservice. Yet, I can’t complain about his six pack.

3. Sometimes a flannel shirt and coveralls is all you need.

Sorry, but this outfit belongs out in the woods or a country barn dance. Not on ice. Still, at least his outfit didn’t cost much.

4. Unfortunately, her Katniss Everdeen costume didn’t land her on fire.

Yeah, that fire dress kind of falls flat. Even with rhinestones. Fire may burn. But ice surely chills.

Not sure how she can skate in that outfit. Seems like she could trip on it.

7. When it comes to honoring a culture, at least insult your own.

These were Russian skaters who did a homage to the indigenous people of Australia. I’m sure Aboriginies want to cut them down with a boomerang now.

8. Nothing impresses the judges like spandex and puffed sleeves.

Hey, it was the 1980s. Puffed sleeves were all the rage at the time. Even on the skating rink.

9. Just because your robe is short and sparkly enough to skate in doesn’t mean you should.

Actually, her outfit is supposed to resemble a short kimono. Since she’s from Japan. However, Japanese styles don’t usually translate well on the skating rink for good reason.

10. Tonya Harding must make her chest sparkle.

Yes, that Tonya Harding. And yes, this costume is quite revealing as well as barely covers her boobs.

11. I guess this routine is Marc Antony and Jenifer Lopez.

Basically a celebrity couple that’s no longer together anymore. And in the douchiest imitation imaginable.

12. She certainly looks sensational for an Atlantic City blackjack dealer.

Yeah, a flashy vest and tight pants doesn’t impress me. Seems more suited for a casino.

13. Some men think they can bedazzle in buckskin.

Sorry, but that frontiersman get up doesn’t work on the ice rink. He should probably go back to playing cowboys and Indians.

14. Nothing hurts the eyes like black and yellow plaid.

How he got that in one piece, I’ll never know. But utterly tacky? Absolutely.

15. Here Katarina Witt dressed in her skating program as Gertrude McFuzz.

By the way, she caused a lot of controversy with this outfit. That in 1988 the International Skating Union instilled the “Katarina Rule” which required female skaters to wear pants and skirts. It was enforced until 2004.

16. Tara Lipinski skates to “American Woman.”

Wearing an outfit I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing in school. And yes, the pants are unusually tight.

17. Apparently, this guy just had to show his muscles.

Seems like this guy’s not wearing much. Like he’s skating to a rendition of Zoolander.

18. When in doubt, wear bright colors.

He seems more suited for hosting a kids’ show. And yes, he really stands out in a crowd.

19. Johnny Weir must wear that feather top.

Well, Weir is always known for his outlandish costumes. This is no exception.

20. Some pair skaters always go to great lengths to match.

However, I don’t think this style holds up. Reminds me of something you’d see from the 1980s.

21. Her dress is watching me, isn’t it?

Had she worn a black dress to match her partner, she wouldn’t be on this post. Alas, she dressed in an outfit that resembles a spaced out cat.

22. A swan costume is a common ice skating motif.

However, she can always overdo it with feathers. And not just around her waist either.

23. Not sure if white skaters should go with an Afro-Brazilian routine.

Particularly since the guy has a plate on his chest. Still, this is kind of offensive. Couldn’t they just do samba routine in the traditional spandex?

24. Her red skating get up is draped with red beads.

I’m sure practicality wasn’t in mind with this costume. Hope she doesn’t slip and fall should a bead fell off. Then again, ice skates are quite sharp.

25. Apparently, she wanted to skate as her favorite Disney princess.

I’m guessing it’s Jasmine, judging from her outfit. Though her pants look slashed.

26. So is this supposed to be Xenia Warrior Princess meets He-Man?

Because it sure looks like it to me. Okay, he doesn’t exactly dress like He-Man, but the style looks similar.

27. I’m afraid she has a severe case of cello butt.

I think she’s supposed to skate to a Beethoven piece. But to so with a cello on her back is ridiculous.

28. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford another skating outfit after her costume partially burned from an ironing mishap. So she cut out the burn spots.

Okay, maybe I made it out. But at least it explains the outfit better than whatever she can come up with.

29. Perhaps a zebra suit can show one’s wild side.

She even has stripes on her arms. And yes, she doesn’t look particularly flattering.

30. At times, you’d swear that pair skaters wear similar outfits.

However, the woman always has to wear shorts while the guy wears suspenders. Still, kind of remind me of restaurant workers for some reason.

31. Can’t afford a skating outfit? Make one with see through robe.

Well, at least it’s easy to put on. But it barely covers her butt.

32. Queen Elsa, meet your future husband.

For he seems to resemble an ice king to me. Just look at the sparkle spikes on his shoulders and wrists.

33. Every figure skater yearns to shine like a star.

However, this doesn’t mean a skater should have stars all over her outfit. Kind of tacky if you ask me.

34. If you’re a fan of Braveheart, then you’ll love him on ice.

Yes, he’s dressed like William Wallace. However, that doesn’t mean he should.

35. Unfortunately, he forgot to pack his skating costume and now is stuck with his underwear.

Well, at least he showed up. Still, I’d be embarrassed to skate in that if I were him.

36. Always spread your wings.

However, this doesn’t mean your costume should include them. Because that’s just cheesy.

37. When all else fails, a male can skate with a bare chest.

Apparently, the concept of “no shirt, no service” doesn’t apply in the men’s figure skating dress code. Still, heard those rinks can be quite cold.

38. Of course, some men can rock in a sweater vest.

I’m just kidding. Still, he kind of reminds me of one of the Jonas brothers. However, brown and orange doesn’t go together.

39. A man can stun in silver.

For some reason, he reminds me of some sleazy futuristic nightclub owner. Only thing missing are nubile alien dancers on each arm.

40. Speaking of Space age, these two really make the future seem closer than we think.

She is a showgirl at the planet Zendu. He’s a hotshot bowler at the Cosmic lanes. Met at some disco club on the moon.

41. A skating outfit is always better with flowers.

However, I’m not sure what to make about flowers on a green bikini bra and tutu. Seriously, why?

42. Someone’s skating outfit is totally ripped.

Well, it certainly seems like he ripped it. But it’s just sewn with different types of fabric.

However, it kind of seems straight out of a Steampunk movie to me. Not sure how well that translates on ice.

66. For some people, an electrocution is an inspiration.

Well, that’s what I take from this. Since the outfit design is utterly shocking.

67. Some princesses dress in their finest dresses. Other princesses…not so much.

Well, he’s not dressed to badly. But the woman is clad in the most hideous princess dress imaginable. As if she’s like “I’m a princess. I can do whatever I want.”

68. Sometimes what was all the rage during the 1980s should stay in the 1980s.

From Skating Fugly: “The 80s called, and this outfit is so bad, they don’t even want it back. Burn it.”

69. Nothing suggests the future like skating in shiny blue jumpsuits.

Of course, their outfits are missing space helmets. Because they’d go great with the suits.

70. Some male skaters prefer to go with a casual look.

Though his outfit contains the usual rhinestones. Because even a casual wearing skater needs to sparkle.

71. A pair will always be a hit with velvet denim.

Yet, these two prove that a velvet look can look trashy. Got to love the 1980, though I’m not sure if it’s set at that time.

72. Any female skater can wow crowds in a fire skirt.

Too bad you wouldn’t see an actual girl on fire like Katniss Everdeen do a dance like this. Still, fire seems to be a common motif with skaters.

73. Best to spring into action on the ice with a pool noodle skirt.

How does this translate into a skating routine with a rugged gardener, I’ll never know. Yet, the skirt obviously seems ridiculous.

74. I suppose she’s skating to “Eye the Tiger.”

Well, a tiger that’s encrusted with rhinestones all over her outfit. Kind of seems more like a Vegas show than a skating routine.

75. So I guess this skating routine rips of Gladiator.

Even so, the guy’s costume seems like cheap outfit from Party City. The woman’s well, her outfit’s not Roman at all.

76. Leopard print is always a tacky fashion choice even on the ice.

And the fact some of the spots are blue doesn’t change anything. Definitely a ridiculous choice.

77. How about a rendition of a gritty Spaghetti western?

Okay, that seems more like an ice routine of Oklahoma! Even with the stains on his outfit.

78. A lovely skating dress can be decorated with simple craft store supplies.

From Skating Fugly: “I know rick rack trim is cheap and plentiful, but covering a plain white tulle skirt with some rick rack, tying a piece around your neck, and calling it a day is pretty lazy. Yeah, there’s a top, but it’s also uninspiring. And in case you’re wondering, yes he is wearing a red velvet/velour tuxedo thing WITH TAILS.”

79. In the future, men will be dancing to red velvet jumpsuits like this.

I know it’s completely ridiculous. But at least he makes the most of it.

80. A make skater should always be a gentleman.

From Skating Fugly: “Sergei dressed as a marching band leader with a penchant for 17th century, ruffled peach-colored cravats. What instrument should he be playing? I’m going with cymbals.”

81. Silver pinstripes always go with a shiny blue shirt.

If Elton John was a 1920s gangster, I honestly think he’d dress like this. Even the pinstripes on this are shiny.

82. Seems like this guy’s dressed up as the Dread Pirate McGlitter.

Ever heard of that guy? Of course, not. For a rhinestone laden outfit doesn’t inspire dread.

83. I don’t like the face on that woman’s dress.

From Skating Fugly: “I think Svetlana is channeling 80s Madonna with the cone boobs, lacy fingerless gloves and messy, poofy skirt. Vitali could be a survivor of the apocalypse, if the apocalypse left nothing behind except glitter belts, sparkly pants, and a shirt cobbled together with chest fringe and one lace-up arm.”

84. When in doubt, it helps if the pair is in wholesome attire.

From Skating Fugly: “‘Bye, everyone! Now that we’ve won medals, we’re off to sing in the church choir and attend the potluck luncheon. I could really go for some green bean casserole, Jello-mold fruit salad and chicken pot pies!'”

85. Behold, a Space Age Elvis Impersonator.

I’m sure he’ll be a hit on the space port cantina. Though it’s rumored that the real Elvis was kidnapped by aliens decades ago.

86. For God’s sake, let the poor firebird go!

However, the firebird doesn’t seem to have much on her. While the guy seems like he’s not hungry for chicken either.

87. “Behold, the vestiges of my inner sanctum of darkness.”

I think this is Johnny Weir. Let’s just say if he was straight, I’d ship with Lady Gaga.

88. Did those hands just make a face?

From Skating Fugly: “I believe the concept of this program was that they were a couple meeting at a masquerade, wearing several different masks. (His hands formed one mask for her to wear, her hands formed another, etc.)” Still, the hand stuff is kind of creepy.

89. Bet you’ve never seen a rhinestone skeleton before.

Yes, he’s dressed as a skeleton. And you better be lucky he didn’t use a skull cap.

90. Never thought these two would glide on the ice… from space.

Then again, skating requires a little thing called gravity. Still, doesn’t detract from the spaceness of these tight suits.

91. When you think you’re a colorful peacock, instead of a garish bird from Dr. Seuss.

Okay, that’s pretty hideous. Her makeup doesn’t enhance her look either. More like a scary clown than anything.

92. While he dresses in a classy suit, she’s in a dress that’s, well, unique.

I guess this was inspired by something off the Hunger Games. Or some Frank Gehry architecture. And I don’t mean either as a compliment.

93. You’ll surely be in for a shock with this pair.

Now that’s just plain tackiness there. Great for an electrical show. Ridiculous for a skating competition.

94. They said she skated like a beautiful swan. Though her outfit suggested otherwise.

Her outfit seems like a combination of a swan costume and dominatrix wear. Not a good mesh.

95. Didn’t know there was a dominatrix on the ice.

Would really like to see what kind of moves she’d do with a cat o’ nine tails. Might be quite interesting to see.

96. Hey, it’s Leelu from The Fifth Element.

Though to be fair, I’m not sure if I can see a skating homage to a Bruce Willis sci-fi flick. And the costume doesn’t really convince me.

97. When in doubt, skate in street clothes.

And he’s wearing a tie-dye shirt with pants. Not sure if it stuns, but at least he didn’t waste much money.

98. You know what’s missing here? Space helmets.

I mean if they’re dressed like that they might as well. Also, give them some jet packs so they can fly.

99. You’d almost mistake her for an ice skating Wonder Woman.

Then again, I kind of take that back. Or if Wonder Woman had poor fashion sense with pink velvet and jewels.

100. Say, shouldn’t this routine involve 4 people.

If you want to do a skating tribute to Sergeant Pepper, it shouldn’t just involve the Beatles who are still alive. Otherwise, it just looks ridiculous.