3. Bowser

Anyone with a brain knows that the heavier characters are the best in Mario Kart 64, and Bowser is the tank of the bunch. But his handling leaves a bit to be desired, and he loses additional points because his course, Bowser's Castle, is absolutely terrible.

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2. Yoshi

Yoshi is a great character. He's fast and agile, and he makes that weird awesome noise whenever he hits you with a shell. But like Bowser, Yoshi loses some points because his home course is a pain in the ass.

1. Donkey Kong

DK wins, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. First of all, his celebration sound is by far the best. For being one of the heaviest characters, he has solid acceleration, good top speed, and great handling. His size also allows you to knock lesser drivers around with ease. DK wins and fuck you if you disagree.