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At midnight we reach a new year: new dreams, new goals, new hopes, new diet pills, new delusions, new Water Country commercials.

But me? I don’t have plans to join a new gym. To revisit Hydroxycut. To be nice. To stop crying when I watch Inside Edition buzzed.

No. I’m cool just the way I am. Only God can judge.

But I do have just one wish. And it’s nothing drastic. Just one humble wish for the year of the Blue Barracuda (that’s the year in Chinese, right?)

My wish? I wish that people would stop bragging about paying it forward at fucking coffee shops!!!!!

Every other day on Facebook it’s the same old song:

“Just paid for the customer behind me to get a coffee at Dunks! PAY IT FOWARD PEOPLE! LIFE IS TOO SHORT! BE NICE SO WE STOP RAMPAGE KILLINGS! #PAYITFORWARD #ENDMURDER #DUNKS #AMERICARUNSONDUNKIN”

Frankly, it’s ridiculous. First of all, if you do a good deed for someone, you should not tell 1,312 friends about it. Because bragging negates the random act of kindness. In my opinion, the second you brag about buying a coffee for a stranger, you must deduct compassion points from your overall character. Not only that, but you might as well have just stolen both your coffee as well as the stranger’s coffee. That makes you a criminal, not Saint Francis of A-fucking-Ssisi. (St. Francis of Assisi didn’t even LIKE coffee!!!!).

Second of all, it’s your prerogative to brag about purchasing an extra medium regular, but don’t demand that I also pay it forward. If I want to buy a stranger a coffee, I do it on my own terms!! Don’t be a fucking joke!!!