Last time on Pokemon Black, I see Cheren and some Plasma member, so naturally I figure it’s a good time to take a break. Now I ‘ll go check it out.

…hm, it doesn’t seem like it triggers as I go into the cave. I can run right past the two. There’s another path going straight forward, so I’ll see where that one goes.

It leads me to a short chunk of scaffolding with nothing on it. Huh. And with the dowsing rods pointing toward something I can’t reach.

Okay, now on to the plot. For real this time.

Team Plasma: Huh. Pretty strong… But you’re only strong because you Trainers are controlling Pokemon!

Damn. So he already fought. Killstealer!

Cheren: So if you want to set Pokemon free… If that’s what you want, you should start with your own.

Well. There’s actually an interesting case to be made for if it’s okay to use the very methods you oppose temporarily in order to end them for good. If a wealthy slaveowner finally figures out that slavery is wrong but decides to keep his slaves in order to use his wealth and power to try to abolish the institution as a whole, is he simply self-serving? What if his slaves agree to it? What if his slaves agree to it but part of his argument against other people saying their slaves agree is that all slave agreements should be ignored? Would the fact he’s treating slaves better matter, and if so, how much?

And then there’s the issue of how Plasma’s pokemon theft thing is working. N certainly is practicing catch-and-release. What if Plasma was replacing their pokemon with the caught ones, and then using those to steal more pokemon, so that their pokemon would be rotated out in short order? That would, to continue to stretch this analogy, be like using the slavery income to buy new slaves, freeing the originals, then keeping the new ones until they’d paid for another set and freeing them. Which is, though, still slavery, it’s just a kind that ends, so how can you really claim the moral high ground? On the other hand, what if the trained pokemon are all Stockholmed and need an intermediate period before they’re able to be released or they’ll go right back to their abusive husband trainer?

But for all those have obvious problems, doesn’t “free your own slaves and opt out of society while everyone else continues whipping their slaves, and maybe catches your old slaves to whip them too” have an even more obvious flaw?

But taking people’s Pokemon by force is not right.

Whoa now, Cheren, I said you raised an interesting point. Let’s not stupid it up here. Of course taking people’s pokemon by force is fine, that’s how the people got the pokemon in the first place.

That is not real strength!

God damn it Cheren what did I just say? Since when did Plasma say this was about strength? They’re not proving who’s the best trainer, they’re using trainer skill to accomplish a separate goal. Not everything’s about being the best pokemon master!

Yay, another Plasma member showed up. Hopefully they have a full team and can fight me, since Cheren’s stolen my exp for the first one.

Team Plasma: Hey, there you are! We found that thing were were looking for. We should head for the tower now!

Fuck.

This is my game about me. It’s not about how Cheren beat up bad guys and lectured them. I’m supposed to do that!

Get this! Team Plasma has obtained the power to change this world and end people’s control over Pokemon.

Can I just say I really love that they’re not blabbing about exactly what that means? Competence: it’s easier than you think.

Team Plasma: That’s right! We must use force in order to right the wrongs of the world.

Well, that’s basically the motto of every protagonist in every game, so I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Now let’s gather around our king. Our lord N!

Yes, all hail the avatar of the interesting plot.

They disappear.

Cheren: Those guys…I don’t know what they’ve found, but they go the extra mile to gain power and cause trouble. What a bothersome bunch…

No, that’s pretty much what I want out of an enemy team.

Farla…I’m going to stay here for a while. I want to think a little bit about what the Champion asked me…

NO. He’s just an asshole or maybe he’s trying to stealth sabotage challengers.

What do I want to do with my power after I get strong?

Well, it’ll be moot if you never actually get strong because you’re too busy worrying about what ifs. And now we see how a guy more interested in fancy hair and playing with kids has kept his position so long, he’s a master at mindfucking new trainers.

And why do I want to be strong in the first place?

Cheren, you’re talking to someone playing a videogame about raising pokemon because it’s fun. Because it’s fun, Cheren.

God, I don’t know what the hell Nintendo’s trying to say here.

And that ends our plot. Our disgustingly battleless plot.

Oh wait. Walking out of the cave, that guy is there.

Cedric: Hello, Farla! How is Darumaka? Ah! This Darumaka has really taken a shine to you. The Pokedex is important, but time spent having fun together is also important.

Does this change at all if my pokemon hate me? Also, when people say that they’re supposed to cough up an item to reward my hard work at getting them to love me. Where is my item, Cedric? This is how it works.

Say, I just had a thought — have you heard of Dragonspiral Tower?

No, but it better not be as underwhelming as Celestial Tower.

Eh… I’m not surprised you haven’t heard of it. OK. Give this story a listen. Dragonspiral Tower is said to be the Unova region’s oldest building. Stories say it’s the place where legendary Pokemon came to life or where they remain in deep slumber.

Where the legendary pokemon came to life, Nintendo. You’re not talking about the general concept of pokemon that are legendary, you’re talking about a specific thing. Or, two.

My daughter has wanted to investigate that tower for a long time. “What! There’s something I don’t know?!” That kind of feeling is pure adventure. And I’m not too old for some adventuring. Away I go to have a look at Dragonspiral Tower! Catch you later!

…why didn’t Juniper – the Juniper I like even if she is crazy at N – ever do it? Also wow way to be a dick to your daughter.

I hope the reason no one’s gone inside is the dragons eat you and stupidface gets his stupid face eaten.

OH! I just walked into a puddle and a pokemon attacked me! Game, you are awesome and I love you.

It’s a shelmet.

…and it’s a pure bug type. What the hell, Nintendo.

When attacked, it defends itself by closing the lid of its shell. It can spit a sticky, poisonous liquid.

Well, now I guess I can evolve the karrablast somehow.

Stunfisk. Which is ground/electric. Okay.

Its skin is very hard, so it is unhurt even if stepped on by sumo wrestlers. It smiles when transmitting electricity.

Oh. Darumaka’s evolving.

Into studioghiblimon darmanitan. Also, I think I saw it in the opening with N.

Its internal fire burns at 2,500 F, making enough power that it can destroy a dump truck with one punch.

And also there’s deeper patches where I can surf. And there’s a little wake animation as I do so.

And a weird circle thing in the water? Like grass? But only another stunfisk comes out…It’s much higher level than the ones that show up while I surf…which is to say it’s the same level as the ones when I walk on the shallow water. Game I am confuse.

So, I need a new fire type. Well, not need exactly, one rarely needs a new fire type, but anyway. Litwick’s turn to shine.

Exploring the town, there’s some quiz thing where my answer is wrong. Checking Bulbapedia it looks like you don’t get much for being right, either.

On to the gym. It’s the ice gym, so it’s got a frozen floor.

And huh, looks like I’m underleveled. The first guy’s cryogonal kicks my team’s asses. (Is that what icecreamcone evolves into? If so it’s quite tolerable.) I’m going to explore and level.

At the top of the town, jerkface says that the legendary pokemon waits at the top of the tower for someone with real ideals. This sure is specific for a tower no one’s been in.

Huh, and there doesn’t appear to be an entrance yet. So much for that.

Mienfoo? It does look kind of cute.

In fights, they dominate with onslaughts of flowing, continuous attacks. With their sharp claws, they cut enemies.

Exploring, I finally see some Team Plasma guys blocking my way. They’re just hanging out talking about how the rest of their team is over at the tower.