Middle Aged Thoughts from Scotland

Clinging Thoughts

Today is one of those days when there is too much going on in my head and not even going on in my physical world so I suspect this post will be a brain dump with the end result that I might be able to move on and accomplish something.

I was listening to random music in the car and some acoustic live recorded cover songs were selected by the player. Among them was a version of Lady Gaga’s Bulletproof. I think it is probably the first time I listened and understood the words of the song and it really caught my attention (my try to get some more in this series). The line that sticks with me is something like, “I’m not going to love again until it is cheap”. It got me wondering what she meant by cheap love. It’s a strange phrase to me, it sounded like a lower quality of love. It dawned on me that the more likely meaning is about the cost of love. When we love we are vulnerable and so can be easily hurt, a cheap love then is a love that does not cost so much in pain and compromise, the price to pay is bearable because the person who is loved is trustworthy, fair and good. What a neat line.

I went to see a dance show at St Andrew’s University last night given by the student dance team called “Blue Angels”. I was really impressed by the quality and energy of the dancing, the team synchronisation but also the choreography the students had done. There were occasional interviews between some pieces and towards the end, somebody posed the question, “why do you dance?”. At least one student replied that they danced to communicate something to others and it got me thinking. I don’t dance (jiggle around really) much anymore now, but when I did dance I think it was a form of escapism. Movement helps me relax, as does singing and listening to music, so combining all three really is potent. I used to dance for hours on end when I was a teenager, the dance show retriggered that desire in me. If only I was as fit as I was then.

I feel like I should apologise to the rest of Europe today. I am saddened that the British Prime Minister has triggered Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty of Europe, formerly declaring that the UK wants to leave the European Union by 29th March 2019. I found myself thinking of the people I know from various European countries and wondering how rejected they felt by the UK’s actions. It is hard to imagine how this country will be better off when the NHS loses its EU staff, universities lose the EU staff, even my own company staff has 25% non-UK EU nationals. How much more difficult it might be to important EU goods, visit EU countries and revisit the cultures. Even today a merger between two major financial service companies has been blocked by the EU because one of them is British and therefore there is uncertainty how such a company would operate in EU.

I am also sad because one week ago today, a single man went on a rampage in London killing four people. Memorials are being held in various places. For me the most shocking thing is that a policeman was stabbed to death and the attacker was shot dead by police. I know this is difficult to fathom for some, say Americans, but UK police do not routinely carry guns around with them. There are armed police but they are usually in quick response squads in situations where guns are involved. For patrolling UK police to be armed is highly unusual and for them to actually fire, even more unusual, but to kill? I feel very uneasy about it. I am not saying their actions were wrong, I wasn’t there, I don’t know the circumstances except an officer was killed. I do feel sad over all the deaths.

And I feel sad because my eldest child who had been staying over for a few days has left to resume her life. We shared some good times together as usual. Mother’s Day was a good laugh with all the kids around, plus the chocolate brownies were a real treat. She was helping me and a reassuring presence when I failed to give the dog a trim with the electric clippers. I always enjoy having her around and this time we were able to sit down yesterday and have a chat about my autism diagnosis and stuff around that, you know I am not even sure precisely what was said but it was good to talk without feeling awkward. My whole identity thing though seems rather insignificant on a day like today where larger matters like Brexit are at stake. But then I guess all of humanities issues are probably insignificant in the lifetime of this planet, a tiny bite of irritation at the 4 billion year mark. With continued disunity, it is hard to imagine how we are not heading towards a major catastrophe at some point in the future.

Okay enough of the sad thoughts and back to reality. In the meantime there are discoveries to be made in the night sky (I never knew Dubhe – alpha Ursa Major was a double star until I saw it in my photograph I took) though further better images will have to wait until early Sunday morning. There is some tatty music sitting on the sofa arm which needs digitising and redoing so that it can be played once more. There is a cold mug of (Austrian) Traum Schon tea to reheated. And there is some web work to be done, plus there is pizza for food tonight to look forward to.