Wednesday Watch List: Be TV’s Valentine

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Welcome to your Wednesday Watch List, where we find five shows on this evening that may be worth you forgoing your annual ritual of burning old Valentines from your ex-girlfriend. MOVE ON, MAN! SHE’S NOT COMING BACK! Off we go:

This is the one where Charlie Brown wants the little redheaded girl to be his Valentine but he ends up spending Valentine’s Day with Peppermint Pattie instead. Listen, I’m fully tolerant of Peppermint Pattie’s alternative lifestyle, but that girl is a downer. Being stuck with Peppermint Pattie is like being stuck with a cousin you don’t really know who you realize, within five minutes, that you really don’t like. Every Charlie Brown holiday special features Charlie just getting dumped on and dumped on. And frankly, I’m a bit sick of it. Charles Schultz, what kind of nihilistic outlook are you foisting on my children? I’ll get you for this. ANTICIPATION: IT’S NO GREAT PUMPKIN.

MODERN FAMILY - 9PM (ABC)

It’s a Valentine’s Day episode, and Claire wants to surprise Phil by wearing a jacket to dinner with nothing on underneath. I fully support you ladies out there pulling the “Surprise! I have no clothes or only lingerie on under my coat!” move. That’s a sign of both compassion and class. ANTICIPATION: ATWITTER

AMERICAN IDOL - 9PM (FOX)

Cutdown days during Hollywood Week continue. I think, instead of simply having the contestants form lines and then dismissing the lines, the dismissals should be far more creative. I’d like to see a clown come out and tackle someone who has to go home. I’d also be in favor of using trapdoors, or chasing hopefuls off with swarms of bees. Because that’s what Hollywood does to your dreams. ANTICIPATION: WHETTED FOR CRUELTY