7 Promises I Make To Liberals

It’s no secret that liberals and conservatives don’t get along. But, if there’s any one thing that we’ve learned from the liberal love of sensitivity classes and situation comedies, it’s that once people get to know each other and learn about each other’s beliefs and concerns, all legitimate differences melt away. So, with that in mind, I’d like to relieve the concerns of our liberal pals by telling them what we conservatives are really like. Think of it as sensitivity class — for liberals. Granted there may be a few conservatives here and there who disagree with me on these things, but as someone who has known conservatives all my life, I can assure you that they’re the exceptions, not the rule.

1) I don’t hate black Americans, Hispanic Americans, gay Americans, Jewish Americans, Muslims, or any of the other groups that liberals obsessively claim that conservatives hate. In all fairness, you could probably make a great case that I strongly dislike Nazis, Satanists, Fred Phelps’ clan full of weirdos, and Noam Chomsky, but who doesn’t? Not only is it extraordinarily offensive to be falsely accused of hating whole classes of people, it’s really bad for America to try to falsely convince tens of millions of Americans that they’re despised and hated by half the country.

2) I’m not rich, I don’t have any particular love of rich people, and I’m not being paid off by the Koch brothers (although they’re welcome to start at any time.) Of course, I also don’t envy the rich, think it’s “unfair” that they have more than I do, or want to punish them because Paris Hilton and the Kennedy family don’t deserve their money. So, am I “in the pocket” of the rich? No, it can just seem that way if you’re comparing conservatives like me to people who seethe with resentment for people who’ve done well in life.

3) I’m not “anti-science.” I like science. I read books about science. In fact, I’m extremely dubious about embryonic stem cells and manmade global warming because I’ve been convinced by science-based arguments. Moreover, it seems rather odd that the “pro-science” side of these debates seems to rely on pleas from Michael J. Fox, sad stories about polar bears, and iffy claims about “consensus” when the “anti-science” side seems to trot out statistics and science-based arguments. Let’s face it: You don’t have to accuse people of wanting birds to die to get them to buy into the theory of gravity. If you can’t convince people to buy into a scientific argument with science, then maybe your evidence is a whole lot shakier than you seem to think.

4) I’m an anti-authoritarian, non-conformist. That’s one of the reasons I don’t like the government inserting its tentacles into our lives, it’s why I work for myself, and it’s a big part of why I’m on the Right. People think we take “marching orders” from Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, or the Koch brothers? Hell, conservatives are the only real rebels left in American society. We’re the ones who have the courage to say that we’re not victims, that we don’t care if Hollywood and the media disagree with us, and we’re willing to advocate policies we think are good for the country even if we’re called “mean” for it. You can be the biggest jerk in the world and you’ll still be patted on the back for being “compassionate” by everyone from Lady Gaga to the teachers at your kid’s school, to the New York Times if you’re a liberal. Want to be slandered, demonized, and constantly accused of being things you’re not because you believe in doing the right thing? Be a conservative.

5) I love women and I don’t think they should be barefoot, pregnant, and chained in the house on a clothesline that runs between the bedroom and the kitchen. As a matter of fact, I’d say I’m more supportive of women than a lot of liberal feminists today because while I don’t think women HAVE to be stay-at-home moms, I consider that to be every bit as much of a valid and important career choice as being a corporate VP. Also, isn’t it a bit ironic that conservatives are accused of “hating women” in a country where Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are wildly popular on the Right, while liberal men launch non-stop misogynistic attacks at them and their families?

6) I’m a compassionate person. I give money to charity, I’ve bought groceries for people, and I’ve held fundraisers on my blog to raise money for people in need. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I’m a conservative is that I believe our philosophy is the best way to do good in people’s lives and preserve the best things about this country for future generations. This baffles some liberals, who can’t seem to understand how that can be the case when conservatives oppose so many government programs that “help” people. What they may be missing is that if the government is not an unalloyed good, but a “necessary evil,” then its “help” is often as counter-productive as tossing shotguns into the middle of a drunken barfight so people can “protect” themselves. Compassion is about what you do personally, not what government programs you advocate funding with other people’s money.

7) Although I’d like to see liberalism become as discredited as Nazism, I don’t want to see any liberals shot, murdered, killed, blown up, sliced, diced, carved, cut, or eviscerated because they disagree with me politically — and that includes abortion doctors. If we have a constitutional republic and you believe in the Constitution along with law and order, then you should believe in solving even extreme political disputes via political means, not via violence. Incidentally, I will also not shout down a liberal on stage at his own speech to try to prevent him from speaking, throw pies at him, toss glitter at him, engage in a citizen’s arrest/kidnapping, or protest at a liberal’s home, which we all know is nothing more than a veiled threat. Those are fascist tactics, which have no place in a democratic society and all decent people should speak out against that kind of behavior.