Monday, January 15, 2007

lifted

So I realize I owe the final installment of my last dating defuncto - but to be honest, I haven't really felt like dwelling on it. While I want to document this one little piece of my dating repertoire and offer a resolution to those that stop by to see how my so-called love life is going, I think if I spend too much time reflecting on it it will denote that it was somehow a bigger deal than it was.

I love that I have this blog to chronicle this process - because it really forces me to see how I am approaching things and realize when I've, perhaps, actually taken a step forward. I think this was a pivotal experience in that process - because as excited as I was to be potentially "dating" someone who on paper had so many of the things that make me tick - when it didn't work out I didn't enter the "I'm never going to find someone!" death spiral I've been known to dive into in the past.

So, since I don't feel like dwelling - the quick recap: We had a great date two comprised of a yummy brunch, a visit to his place to check movie times and hear him play Claire de Lune on his new piano which, I admit, made me SWOON, and then a trip to see 'The Pursuit of Happyness.' The movie inspired my post on whether to hand hold or not - and looking back I realize that given the circumstances, that would have been premature. In a typical dating situation, it wouldn't have been a big deal - but he'd told me when he asked me out that he'd very recently gotten out of a relationship, and he wasn't sure he was ready to date yet - but he wanted to get to know me. Of course how he ended the first date (by emphatically declaring it an official date) led me to focus less on the nature of the situation, and more on my hopes that something would work out. Still, by the end of the second date, I could tell he wasn't ready. I envisioned his mindset (one I'm extremely familiar with from my own breakup and subsequent foray into dating) - "I could hold her hand, but I haven't held anyone else's hand but the ex's in so long, that's the hand I know how to hold - that's the hand I want to hold." He dropped me off and we chatted for a bit, and we made tentative plans to hang out in the next few days since I'd be leaving for Christmas soon. The plans didn't end up working out - and he told me to call when I was back in town so we could get together after the first of the year.

I was pretty sure that when I got back from the holidays we weren't going to pick up where we left off. But even with that insight, I wanted closure - I wanted explanation since he was the one to initiate everything in he first place. So when I got back I sent him a message, told him about my Christmas and asked where we left things off and where he was at. We'd talked openly about his last relationship so it was a comfortable question, and I wasn't surprised in the least when he told me he'd hung out with the ex over Christmas and he'd realized he wasn't ready to give up on things yet. Even though he'd told me the opposite when we first went out - rather than be upset, I was honestly more relieved to realize that I was no longer at that point myself. It's so exhausting to have someone in your life that you love, that you've shared something so intense with - but for some reason or other you can't make it work. But you can't give up - so you try new tactics, you "work" on things - and maybe in a few circumstances the stars align and it works out - but for the most part, I think it's just a really long, drawn out breakup. I've been there, and I feel for him more than anything because I know he wants to be over it, but he's not.

So that's the end of that story - another experience on the proverbial road to love - a moment to collect myself and realize that I could come across a hundred fantastic guys and none of them may be the right one for me - and that's cool. Because I'm happy where I'm at, happy with who I am, and starting to really enjoy the ride - no matter lies in store.

13 Comments:

"But you can't give up - so you try new tactics, you "work" on things - and maybe in a few circumstances the stars align and it works out - but for the most part, I think it's just a really long, drawn out breakup."

It's like putting the spoiled milk back in the fridge, in the hope that it will be good tomorrow. In my experience, it never works.

You've got a pretty healthy attitude about this - and some seemingly keen insights into his situation too.

I believe you might be a considerate dater! I'm with that Steve guy, most ex-periences I've had end up with our mutual love-life limping staggeringly off into the bushes to die with dignity (but hyenas always quickly drag it back into the open). sorry to hear about this, but at least you got the honesty out of him!

Yeah. I've been through the drawn out breakup (by like 5 years). It's great that you're not thinking twice about it and haven't made a voodoo doll with his name on it to torture with your girlfriends. I guess the drawn out thing is what some people need to go through. In the end it'll only make things worse and make it harder o be friends but whatever. That's him and not you. You've got this exciting new adventure ahead of you and I'm sure anyone would love to be in your place right now so savour it!

that is such a cool way to look at things...we all ought to start dating like this, I guess. But takes some time and a lot of bruises to get to this point of "just enjoying the ride" no matter what...but oh, that is a good place to be!

That road is one that is well travelled. The people with maps are the ones that get lost the most. Cliches are great, but I boil it down to this, there is more than "one" person for everyone out there. It's just a matter of finding one of those "ones" at the right time for the both of you. I can say, I know exactly where you're coming from with this. Live and learn baby, live and learn.

One of my very good friends had a very intense relationship with a man who had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with someone else. She wound up having her heart absolutely pulverized six months down the road when he went back to his old girlfriend.

So even though it didn't work out with your date, sometimes these things are a blessing in disguise...

I have to say, since I've been visiting your blog, I think you are very advanced in your dating maturity. Not going into the "I'll never date/love again" death spiral is a big step! That's such an unnecessary (and painful) process, and avoiding it altogether is great! Also, recognizing when someone else isn't ready, despite what they say, good for you! And you're enjoying it! I'm impressed, I must say.

While I may be avoiding the death spiral when my dating prospects come to a halt, I am NOT avoiding it when blogger erases my comments! I just responded to each of your insightful comments individually and then signed in (and it recognized me) but then blogger told me I'd left the most important field blank. What!? Anyway - you are all so right and bring up such good points - especially in regards to not getting involved with someone who isn't ready, with being aware that it's possible to get out there and avoid the death spiral if things don't work out, and keeping an open mind to the possibilities.

I am curious as to anon's comment (and why it was posted anonymously?) - feel free to elaborate...