Thursday, May 07, 2009

Falling

Last night, I fell. I caught my toe on a step I didn't see and I crashed into a bench, a beer in my hand. I didn't lose much of the beer but a bunch of it splashed into my face and down my sleeve. I also whacked my thigh against something and I have a very colorful bruise to show for it.

The good news is that I was with friends, everyone laughed and I came away mostly unscathed and only a little embarrassed.

The bad news is that I'm in a lot worse pain from my broken heart. I'm going to write about something now because I just have to--but please be kind in the comments. Please don't bash Kent in the comments. You will be tempted. DON'T DO IT, it will only make me feel worse.

It's been really over with Kent since some time in March. I can probably pin the date to the conversation we had where he turned down my offer to pay him a visit on my way to Israel. Communication was still steady after that talk but the frequency was less. For a while before that, I'd had some suspicions that he was involved with someone else. I hated feeling that way and I didn't want it to be true. In some sense, I knew it couldn't be true because of the way we'd been talking. But then I stopped calling...and I didn't think about it too much because I'd sort of asked him and he'd said no.

No. Well, something changed because about ten days ago facebook let me know, with very little room for doubt, that he did, indeed, have a new girlfriend. The only question was, how long? I was very upset. I was in Ann Arbor and it was the morning of my meeting. I wrote him a short email. Not an angry email. More a disappointed, hurt and confused email.

I didn't hear back. Last week, after he was to have had his final interview with the army, I sent a one-line message inquiring how it went. Nothing.

Last night, I saw more facebook evidence of the new girlfriend and I couldn't contain myself. I called him. It's been over two months since we talked. He seemed surprised, but not upset, when he answered the phone. "Hi--how are you? Has something changed?"

I thought that was an odd thing to say. "Yes." I answered.

"Oh? With your job?"

"No. NO." I explained that I'd had an interview but I was still waiting. He was confused. I said, "Something has changed. You have a new girlfriend."

He said, "Oh."

Oh. Oh as in "yes." As in...I don't know. Was I not supposed to know? I know, I know, I'd given him the brush off. But that was a move to protect myself, to help myself to stop expecting anything from him. But to know that he was moving right along, collecting new girlfriends along the way...it was too much. We only talked for five minutes. I said "you should have told me" and "this is really shitty." Over a lot of background noise, he said he would call me back. I said, "Don't say that if it's not true." I have no idea if he'll call me back or not.

I had plans but I really, really wanted to go home. I got down in the metro and I felt ill. I was crying, just a little, tears rolling down my face. I was standing on the platform and I couldn't catch my breath.

When I got out of the train, I had a few blocks to walk and I called Pele. She said, "How are you?" I said, "Not good." I explained. She was good, perfect. She didn't say bad things about him--she said it was bad that he lied. He should have told me. But it didn't mean that he didn't care about me.

I was angry and sad. I feel stupid. I don't want the past to be invalidated. I want it all to be real. Does this make it less real?

Maybe it's good, though. Maybe this is what I need to move on. But I don't like it, not one little bit.