Global Warping

The most significant event in the advancement of science was not the invention of gravity. It was not the theory of relativity. It was not even the discovery of the Higgs Boson, as much as that little rascal has impacted our daily existence. No, it was the advent of social media. No other development in human history has had a greater accelerating influence on the creation and dissemination of scientific knowledge. Beyond that, it has been solely responsible for introducing the refreshing breeze of democracy into the musty halls of academia, seeping unrestrained under the doors of dim-lit laboratories, diluting the stench of college dorm rooms and even infiltrating the aroma rich atmosphere of the American kitchen. No longer is scientific fact the guarded secret of those who have dedicated their lives to its study and exploration. Nay, at last it has been liberated by the Freedom of Misinformation Act, and is now the purview of anyone with a blog and opinion, or even a social media account. The laws of nature are now subject only to the First Amendment. The future is bright indeed.

And how providential that this should come to pass at a time when womankind is facing the greatest threat to her very existence since the dawn of the political correctness era. I speak here of global warping. The threat of global warping is a topic on the tip of tongues everywhere, and has caused more divisiveness than anything short of the First Lady wearing spiked heels to a flood zone. Scientists agree almost universally about the causes and sobering consequences of global warping, which is inspiration enough to cause a tsunami of new scientific evidence and compelling argument to the contrary available for easy viewing on any good social media site. It is even more available on any bad social media site. The internet is the great equalizer. A man, gray at the temples, garbed in the high praise of his peers for his academic accomplishments and rigorous dedication to the scientific method in all his endeavors is now the equal of a beer for breakfast unemployed pool cleaner sitting at the kitchen table in his underwear. Both opinions have equal weight in the brave new world of mental participation medals. This is heady stuff.

So consequently, it has never been so easy to assay the truth in the debate about global warping. Evidence abounds and opinions bound forth unchecked and unvetted. And since they exist in cyberspace, they automatically are true. Some, however, are more true than others. You all know which ones those are. But here are some truths that should be considered. First, global warping is real and it is here to stay. Secondly, it is caused by man. Woman, of course, remains blameless if you know what’s good for you. Thirdly, time (or space-time) is running out. Or at least curving back on itself.

But what exactly is global warping anyway, and why should we care? Well, we should care because THEY tell us we should. As to what it is, that will take a little explaining. You will find as little explaining here as anywhere, so why not make this your preferred source. Scientists, prom queens, gun runners and missionaries all agree that global warping involves the warping of the fabric of time-space. This is caused by the increase of the average ambient temperature of the planet, and by extension, the universe. Everyone knows that if you leave any of your most cherished possessions, like a car dashboard or an old Eddie Rabbitt LP, out in the sun for any length of time unprotected, warping will occur. In the case of the car dashboard this is sad. But actually quantifying the warping of the fabric of space-time is more difficult and thus subject to logical protraction. But protraction requires a place to start.

Let’s start with the Arctic ice pack, everyone else does. It is an undisputable fact that it is shrinking. You leave your best cotton dress hanging on the line in the sun too long and the same thing happens. No mystery there. So the obvious implication here is that the sun must be getting hotter since the ice pack wasn’t shrinking before. So what is making the sun hotter? That is easy. Due to the alarming use of solar cells extracting energy from sunlight, the sun has to work harder and harder just to keep up. As anyone can tell you, if you exert yourself, say by exercising or engaging in similar distasteful endeavors, you tend to heat up noticeably. The sun is only human so the same thing happens to her. Some have proposed that there is warming of the atmosphere due to all the heat being exhausted into the air by air conditioners from homes and cars and RVs, but I don’t believe that. I think it is the solar cell thing. Because of this the ice packs shrink, exposing more grass, which dies and gives off some gas or other which melts the ozone layer and makes the oceans flood and we lose a large portion of the voting block in Los Angeles. So of course the Democrats are against global warping. So of course the Republicans are FOR global warping.

But say you are a Democrat and you want to stop global warping, how would you go about it. As we have seen, the root of the problem is solar energy. But how do we get rid of it? What can we replace it with? Well, there is wind power. So let’s look at that. It is a clean source of energy and provides a handy way of controlling the bird population, so it seems like a win-win. But there are problems. A windmill is a way of trapping wind, like the sail of a ship. But like a ship, the windmill will try to move away from the wind. The only way it can do that is to move the Earth, causing it to spin faster. Over time the Earth will spin faster and faster until it is going so fast that gravity can no longer hold things to the Earth, and lawn furniture, light sleepers and small children will commence to fly about creating hazardous conditions for air travel. This is not optimal. Clearly other options must be considered.

There are always fossil fuels, but Democrats hate those and for good reason. Burning them is very harmful to fossils, some of which are already extinct. Besides, there are only enough of those to last a few years or a few hundred years or something like that. And they live in countries that don’t care for us so they sell us the fossil fuels and snicker about it. That is hurtful. And coal isn’t clean I don’t care what anybody says. And if we use that all up we will be endangering our most valuable tradition. Christmas. Corn seems promising, but using that all up would be very sobering for the poor mountain folks of West Virginia and Kaintuck. They have drones now that can detect if these poor wretches are trying to grow their own and wasting all that rocky hillside land that is more suitable for growing pot. They may not represent a lot of electoral college votes, but they are people too, in their own way. And it will be a sad day indeed when the moon shines no more in Appalachia.

So that leaves gas, natural or cattle induced. Following cows around would take more energy than you are likely to collect, and digging around in the ground for gas is just plain uncivilized.

So there we are. Opinion rich and solution starved. But I am a globe half warped kind of guy. I am not giving up. I know the truth is out there. On the internet. Somewhere. It is only a matter or knowing what voices to listen to. The old school, antiquated mumblings of academic elitists, stuck in the rigor of the past, or the new enlightened clarion voice of reason and poster of selfies that is our beloved social media. The choice should be clear. It is the new order of things. It is now. It is available to all and free for all. And of the locus of tender ironies, there is perhaps none so sweet as the fact that of this rich blend of intertwined voices crying out bravely that the old king of scientific reason isn’t wearing any clothes, many of those voices are raised by individuals who are not wearing any pants.