Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Contest!

The post preceding this quoted a reply to a form rejection that made us laugh here in the Lair. Truthfully, those kinds of things are so far out in left field they don't even bother me.

But, it did prompt one commenter to wonder what the ellipses (correctly used of course!) had replaced. Her offering:

Reading the comments is as much fun as the post! William Shatner, King's Speech, Ha! How about a little "fill in the blanks?" Maybe (s)he left out some important parts:

You know, if you had read my work (after drinking a fifth of gin, since that's how I wrote it), or spoken to me about my writing (method, which, again, involves gin, lots of gin),(You might not) reject my writing in a measured process, (which you were kind enough to do). (If you do not drink), well, that is your right. But, (I fear this may lead you) to not even know what you are rejecting. (It makes sense with gin! I hope you don't think of me:) what a fucking idiot. (Or,) thank god I'm not going to work with you, (because I hear this was Raymond Chandler's method as well. Thank you again for your time and consideration!)

There, that's a bit nicer, I think.

Now, I must tell you, this just cracked me up completely.

So, in honor of Sheila JG we shall have a new and exciting writing contest: fill in the blank! Like mad libs, but not.

Here's the PS to this querier's email. Fill in your choice of words where the ellipses are now used. And a string of commas counts as an ellipsis!

p.s.- your industry is dying,...you have already seen the implosion of Border's,..and B&N is not far behind,.....internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,.....but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read.....Jesus Christ,...do you have a rich husband or something?,,,,I don't see how you make an income,....

MAXIMUM 200 words including the words you've been given. Post your entry in the comment column of THIS post.

101 comments:

p.s.- your industry is dying(or least that’s what my psychic tells me. She’s great. All you have to do is call, and she’s available 24 hours a day!) You have already seen the implosion of Border's (that’s the fence in between the US and Mexico, right?) and B&N is not far behind (according to my tea leaves) Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch(and by ‘you,’ I mean *me*. My doctor says I have split personalities. I also have a hyphen addiction) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (which is totally miraculous, really. Similar to turning water to wine, like) Jesus Christ (my person lord and savior – have *you* been saved?) Do you have a rich husband or something? (Because I’d like to convert him to the Church, too – we have Kool-Aid!) I don't see how you make an income (if not to share it with the Lord.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (for an image makeover) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (which was totally bound to happen. I mean, red, black and white, really? That’s your colour scheme? Try thinking spring colours next time Borders!) and B&N is not far behind (There is nothing noble about a smelly barn) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (because everyone knows if it’s not on Twitter no one is going to bother reading it, that’s why my book is only 140 characters long, including ellipses) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (I bet you would even have rejected The Bible by bestselling superstar) Jesus Christ. (You should really listen to me, I have appeared in multiple times in a very prestigious photography publication. Did I mention that I used to be a playmate?) do you have a rich husband or something? (Because I do, and he tells me I’m brilliant! And he didn’t get rich by being wrong.) I don't see how you make an income (but then again I flunked Economics.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (you accursed steelworkers!) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (Bar and Grill, ever since the gentrification of the neighborhood) and B&N is not far behind, (assuming you ignore all available facts and simply take random guesses at things.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (with some fava beans and a nice chianti; also, please ignore my hyphenation of the word “assholes” in the previous sentence) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (especially the gospel according to) Jesus Christ, (which is really quite nice and makes some lofty promises to the meek.) do you have a rich husband or something? (Also, have you ever eaten a taco? Man, are those good!) I don't see how you make an income, (what with the collapse of your industry, to which I previously alluded.)

p.s.- your industry is dying,(you probably are one of the main reasons it is)...you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(Do you really think I believed your tweet that said you were concerned? You should feed your shit to your garden)and B&N is not far behind,(I doubt you have ever visited either)internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(I’d like to take the first bite)but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read(yeah sure, your form letters swear that you have)Jesus Christ,...do you have a rich husband or something?(How else can you afford those shoes you plaster all over Twitter)I don't see how you make an income(If you took the time to read the material I sent you would have known immediately that I would have made you a millionaire)

p.s.- your industry is dying, for more alien bodice rippers like mine. You have already seen the implosion of Borders, where I have personally planted my self-published copies among the so-called bestsellers. And B&N is not far behind, because I have some more copies in my backpack and I’m headed there right now. Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, unless you partake in the buffet of my magnus opal, which is Latin meaning “great work”. But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read because you haven’t read a thing until you’ve read what I’ve written. Jesus Christ, will not reap you in the harvest unless you meditate over my work. Do you have a rich husband or something? I don't see how you make an income without riding on my literary cottontails.

p.s.- your industry is dying (because no other writer knows how to use the ellipse as art - like I do) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (because they have nothing but an apostrophe in their name) and B&N is not far behind (because they have only have that sad ampersand) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (because editors don’t get in the way of grammatical creativity there) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (because you claim “eye strain brought about by ellipse overload”). Jesus Christ (often spoke of the need for grammatical forgiveness). do you have a rich husband or something?(because I need a financier for my School..,. of,…. English,,….Writing,….and Tirades) and I don't see how you make an income (so you may want to sign up to be my first student).

p.s.- your industry is dying, (a problem THE PUBLISHING REVOLUTION will surely fix). You have already seen the implosion of Border's (since it happens in the first few pages, found attached to my query) and B&N is not far behind (in the climax of the brilliant work of literature you have lost the opportunity to make money off of). Internet Publishing and Self Publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (they’re the protagonists of the novel. They’re the rebellious sons of Professional Publishing, a very strict man who wasn’t willing to protect his children’s self esteem). But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (which is what prompts the rebellion of Publishing siblings). Jesus Christ (is convinced that Internet and Self are off their rockers, not sure why) Do you have a rich husband or something? (Self and Internet’s mother, Good Query, does. That’s why she doesn’t put up with her sons’ crap). I don't see how you make an income, (since the conclusion of my novel, in which Self and Internet overthrow their parents’ cruel world, is clearly a subtle and clever metaphor for the future of your dying industry).

188 Words...I tried making it a love letter, but the words "Eat you ass-holes for lunch" was difficult to turn nice...this is the best I got:

p.s.- your industry is dying (and I want to help you save it!) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (which I myself tried to stop) and B&N is not far behind. (trust me, I am a fortune teller and can see into the future. ) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (but with my help, I can protect your asshole, I have magical ass protecting powers). but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (which may explain why you weaken my powers. You must read to keep me strong.) .Jesus Christ (himself would not be able to tolerate such things. I too once protected his asshole, but please do not assume his demise will be your own. I have since learned from my wrongs). do you have a rich husband or something? (because if not, I’d love to step up to the plate!) I don't see how you make an income (so please allow me to take care of you. I can help protect your industry, barnes and noble, as well as your asshole).

Pretty sure I had way too much fun with this, particularly with the references.

p.s.- your industry is dying like the burning embers of the old resistance, you have already seen the implosion of Border's like the Death Star’s last whisper and B&N is not far behind in the great race of the universe internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, the midday Last Supper, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, but there is time, there is time yet to wait for an old friend to greet you, our Lord and Saivor Jesus Christ cannot save us now in the face of our greatest triumph, our greatest mistake. do you have a rich husband or something? Because neither money nor wealth nor power can save you in the face of the Second Renaissance. I don't see how you make an income when all around you crumbles into dust and nothingness, the sun sets on our world and rises on another, a world where our bodies are fuel for the only true living—our electronic, our mechanical, our indestructible immutable Overlords.

p.s.- your industry is dying (to see who drinks more, you or Barbara Poelle). you have already seen the implosion of Border's (co-op displays after a new Somers book is released,) and B&N is not far behind (you. You might want to file a restraining order.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (which will go straight to its hips), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (by the late, great) Jesus Christ (and you better pray lightning doesn't strike you down.) do you have a rich husband or something? (And does he need a valet)? I don't see how you make an income (that exceeds your scotch intake).

p.s.- Your industry is dying, (as the undead are popular these days and dead books just sound cooler.) You have already seen the implosion of Border's: (I want my book to sell there,) and B&N is not far behind, (so I could sell there too. I bet my book could save the undead world! There are other zombies and it,) internet publishing and self-publishing, is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (because they eat more than brains just like that Bizarre Food show on the Travel channel,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. (Support the dead too, even) Jesus Christ (is coming back, eventually). Wait: do you have a rich husband or something? (That would be kind of cool.) I don't see how you make an income (but I would be happy to learn as the undead flock to buy our books. I know you will give me another chance because the psychic said so. I will send the re-animated copy to you at once to submit in this dying industry. Maybe I can be undead too. See you on the other side.)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (much like my chances of being published. Ever.) you have already seen the implosion of Border’s (just as you have seen the video I star in called “so you want to be a writer”) and B&N is not far behind, (not that I care because I don’t actually read,) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (and despite this fact, I’m still looking for an agent)but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing you haven’t even read (and missing out on a manuscript that is 75.6% ellipses) Jesus Christ, (wouldn’t even have anything nice to say about my book) do you have a rich husband or something? (Because I might need a loan as I’m never going to make any money writing.) I don’t see how you make an income, (when your inbox is filled with crap like this from douchebags like me.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (to get into my white underwear that almost touch my man-boobs and) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (the explosion from my bad Chinese food) and B&N is not far behind (my juicy, round J Lo, but) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(drink shots from George Clooney’s fuzzy navel and pass out on your bosoms) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (or offered favors to and licked from head-to-toe.) Jesus Christ, (and his hooker-wife Mary) do you have a rich husband or something? (Does he have a twin that butters his bread on both sides, if you know what I mean?) I don't see how you make an income, (riding naked on horseback unless you starred in “Brokeback Mountain.”)

your industry is dying (, which is really cool because once it does it will be resurrected as an undead industry and all bookstores will be open 24 hours a day to sell vampire novels like mine to the night owls. This will all begin with a zombie takeover)you have already seen the implosion of Border's (, where the zombies got a little overenthusiastic) and B&N is not far behind. (The undead, as we know, are all perverted and oversexed, which is why )internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (It's their favorite position.) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (while they're doing it. Reading would just be a horrible distraction) Jesus Christ (is also resurrected, but most people get upset when you refer to him as Zombie Jesus... can you explain that? Anyway, I think that you've been doing a great job and I don't want you to stop so) do you have a rich husband or something (for the undead to nosh on instead?)? I don't see how you make an income (work as a zombie repellent, but if anyone can pull it off it's you.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (it’s hair purple). you have already seen the implosion of Border's (implosion section) and B&N is not far behind (but just a little too far for a friendly reacharound, sadly). internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (at some kind of expensive lunch restaurant, because we self-publishers are rolling in piles of money Scrooge McDuck style) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (and I can tell because you were only in that bathroom five minutes and it takes me twice that long just to read the cartoons in Newsweek). Jesus Christ (was my agent for years, but he took me for every penny, so) do you have a rich husband or something? (Do you think he’d like me?) I don't see how you make an income (tax deduction for 800 gallons of liquid latex as a work-related expense, but I’m going to try this year anyway. Wish me luck!)

p.s.- your industry is dying (your hippie, organic food is no match for our hormone injected food) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (whoever heard of an organic taco bar?) and B&N is not far behind, (brussel sprouts and nanas is just NOT going to be the next rage!) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (because what else can we eat, you people have taken all our delicious, grease-ridden food away) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (I hope you are reading this letter!) Jesus Christ (even he liked to drink wine!) do you have a rich husband or something? (not all of us can afford our own organic chef) I don't see how you make an income, (everyone I know is going to boycott you and your food and move to Mississippi. I’m sure you don’t’ have any stores there!)

p.s.- your industry is dying,(Stop, don’t tell me to say such things. I will make it upset.) you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(Yes, I know we tried to warn them and they laughed.) and B&N is not far behind, (They laughed at us too, they will see. Nobody laughs at us.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (Oh please stop, don’t make me speak to it in such ways. It will never forgive us.) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (You told me it didn’t even look at what we wrote. We are genius how can it not have even read.) Jesus Christ, (We should speak to him again and tell him how it treated us.) do you have a rich husband or something? (How do we know, I am sorry I doubted you, it must have no need for money.) I don't see how you make an income, (It can’t make money if it doesn’t listen to us. That is what happened to Borders. We will show it.)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (I mean, it’s in an effing coma – open your eyes and smell the coffee --) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (and I wish one of those stores had literally iploded with you inside it,) and B&N is not far behind, (and speaking of behinds,) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (and you’ll end up happy to get jobs walking up and down the street wearing one of those sandwich signs that says “cash 4 gold,”) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (, which begs the question – do you know how to read? You probably claim you went to Vassar or somewhere like that. I wish you’d gone the same place I did – the School of Hard Kocks.) Jesus Christ, (aren’t you supposed to make your living at this, or) do you have a rich husband or something? (That’s got to be it. Only someone who doesn’t need to work can afford to turn down a book that’ll earn millions. Otherwise,) I don't see how you make an income, (because it sure as hell is not from using your bain.)

p.s.- your industry is dying,...(plunge a cardiac needle straight through the sternum of publishing and inject one c.c. of 1:1000 epi and crank up the defibrillator. Clear! It lives!) you have already seen the implosion of Border's,..(Ever watched Hunt for Red October? Implosions are really bad for your libido.) and B&N is not far behind,..... (B&N, the country cousin of S&M, but with a bigger...) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,..... (No, wait, the end of the joke for a manager considering staff reduction between his secretary and a co-worker is, “I’m either going to lay you or Jack off before lunch.” The secretary answers, “I’m busy; I guess you will have to…”) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read..... (The time efficiency fairy only spreads her extraordinary magical-powder on excretions from the nether regions of dross inspired submissions, thus making it mandatory to reject your work before reading it.) Jesus Christ,... (Even our Savior would have rejected your work.) do you have a rich husband or something?,,,, (Pul-leeze, everyone knows husbands are superfluous!) I don't see how you make an income,.... (I would make more if…)

p.s.- your industry is dying, or so shout the same cranks who have been predicting the death of print since 1986.

They point to the imminent collapse of the corporate bookstores--you have already seen the implosion of Border's--but perhaps this will allow independent bookstores to come into their own again, which may strengthen the position of midlist authors. The overextension of the Ann Arbor Giant could be both a lesson and a blessing in disguise--and B&N is not far behind!

I find it incredible that frustrated writers and other nay-sayers appear to be using agents as the scapegoats for the growing pains of the industry: “internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read.”

Jesus Christ. How do you poor agents keep your hearing with all that whining in your ears?

It’s amazing that you remain so dedicated, working long days and still assisting writers with two blogs---do you have a rich husband or something? You’re so generous with your professional expertise that I don't see how you make an income!

p.s.- your industry is dying from laughter at my inability to take rejection like a man. Glad I could give you a good chuckle. Oh hey, maybe you have already seen the implosion of Border's, I think they really should have focused more on books instead of music, what do you think? But I’m sure they’ll come back with a vengeance, and B&N is not far behind. But I digress. So, after reading my novel, my mom told me and my wanna-be-author alter-ego, “internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch”. Sigh. She’s right. So I thought I’d write to you, hoping you’d want to see some diarrhea I put on paper. But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. *BOWS* You are so brilliant, you could give Jesus Christ a run for his money. Hey, are you single? Or do you have a rich husband or something? Cause I could never compete with that. I still live in my mom’s basement. She wants me to pay rent, but I don't see how you make an income being a whiney douchebag crybaby unless you’re Lindsey Lohan. Peace out!

p.s.- your industry is dying (so seriously why did I even query?)you have already seen the implosion of Border's (which wasn't nearly as impressive as blowing up a whale) and B&N is not far behind (get in the bunker, Ethel) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (with fava beans and a nice chianti) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (I mean, I haven't read it yet, but that's because writing should be pure and unadulterated and editing ruins it and I know that because I am) Jesus Christ(seriously)do you have a rich husband or something?(cuz it'd rock to swim through money like Scrooge McDuck) I don't see how you make an income(in new math 2+3=bottlenose dolphin and my book will tell you why)

p.s.- your industry is dying, forsooth, like the maiden Juliet, and you have already seen the implosion of Border's, a worded star not meant for this realm. And B&N is not far behind, in the ghoststeps of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, while internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (a bawdy tavern feast of bottom dwellers!). But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, curse your eyes of newt, shouts Jesus Christ and all in the starry realm. Do you have a rich husband or something, thou blowfly shrew? I don't see how you make an income, so get thee to a nunnery, post haste!

p.s.- your industry is dying,(to see you rise up as their benevolent dictator and lead them into new frontiers of creativity) you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(if you know what I’m sayin’) and B&N is not far behind,(now is the time to embrace your destiny, and I’m your paternal legal guardian and stuff).internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(is what a cowardly guppy might tell them,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read(so that it won’t distract you from your new role as Supreme Empress of the Written Word, Foreign and Audio included.) Jesus Christ,(Superstar!)do you have a rich husband or something?(Because it’s important to have someone who won’t be threatened by your new found monopoly on cool. And on an unrelated note,) I don't see how you make an income,(when you could just as easily trade on all that awesome and sexy you’ve got just laying around.)

p.s.- your industry is dying for some great erotic fiction. Border Jones is a self-published author who misfiled her tax return. B&N Smith is the hunky IRS auditor. By the time you finish reading AUDIT ME, BABY you have already seen the implosion of Border's quivering love-button in a throbbing, mind-blowing orgasm, and B&N is not far behind – like all great heroes, he believes the lady should go first. When Border's best friend Amazon comes over during the audit, B&N tells them, "Ladies, the hottest auditor of internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, if you're into that." Snookums, I know you're impatient to get home and finish reading this, in the bath, with your special showerhead, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, knowing that when you get home you're going to be shouting "Oh God! Jesus Christ! Show me your assets!" Do you have a rich husband or something more mechanical? Either way, you'll arrive at work with a smile tomorrow! If you're thinking, "I don't see how you make an income tax accountant look sexy," read AUDIT ME, BABY and find out!

p.s.- your industry is dying, (which is why I spent the last four months working on my novel—I’m one for lost causes) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (now where am I going to go to write and escape my wife and kids) and B&N is not far behind, (their atmosphere isn’t much better than Border’s was) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(hmm lunch ham and cheese on rye sounds good) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (do you even know how to read?)Jesus Christ(no wonder you rejected me) do you have a rich husband or something? If I did I wouldn’t be wasting time writing a novel—Mexico here I come) I don't see how you make an income, the industry is dying anyway—why bother trying?

p.s.- your industry is dying ( I heard an editor at Penguin was the first to go zombie). you have already seen the implosion of Border's (they’re defenses were easily overrun) and B&N is not far behind (unless they get those doors boarded up and some snipers on the roof). internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (I heard that’s where the outbreak started. You know those guys are nothing but a bunch of shufflers drooling over themselves and moaning repetitively about their favorite anatomical snack )but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (an amazing survival plan that could have saved you and everyone in the industry). Jesus Christ, (please save us from this hell on earth). do you have a rich husband or something?(I hope it gave you an advantage at the start of zombacolypse, though I don’t see how it could do you any good now). I don't see how you make an income, (unless you’ve been bartering in canned goods and booze you had stashed under your desk).

p.s.- your industry is dying, (just like my libido), you have already seen the implosion of Border's,( I had a dream that you were the cause of it) and B&N is not far behind,(soon we won’t have opposable thumbs with which to turn pages anyway), internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(unless they had a filling breakfast in which case they’d hold off on eating you til dinner), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (and I know you do this because of the peephole I created in your office wall). Jesus Christ,(at least he knows I’m the best author since the guy who wrote the Bible) do you have a rich husband or something? (can I have his number?) I don't see how you make an income,(you probably steal. Actually, I’m sure you steal).

p.s.- your industry is dying [from assaults by idiots like me, who harass complete strangers with offensive comments. Sadly,] you have already seen the implosion of Border's [from this economic recession] and B&N is not far behind, [but dedicated authors, agents and editors will continue to fight against morons like me. I would like to believe that] internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, [but I know cooler heads will prevail. I keep hurling obscenities across the Internet] but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, [which is probably in your best interest. I pray to] Jesus Christ [to make me more rational. Incidentally,] do you have a rich husband or something? [Those shark tanks must be expensive to maintain.] I don't see how you make an income [when so much of your time must be consumed by dealing with me and my inconsiderate ilk.]

P.S.- Your industry is dying (to get people like me to realize I’m completely out of my territory. I mean, I sound crazy...don’t I?) You have already seen the implosion of Border's (which the Mayans might have mistaken for the end of the world) and B&N is not far behind (according to the Mayans. But they died. Maybe I should rethink my thinking. Do you think I should rethink my thinking? Or have a glass of wine?) Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (because I have a bad habit of turning into a mean bully and saying things like that. I really don’t mean to. You’re so nice and) you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (which I know you didn’t read because) Jesus Christ (told me so. My shrink says it’s my other personality, but I don’t believe him.) Do you have a rich husband or something? (If you do, could you hook me up with a single friend of his? I’m not crazy or anything) I don't see how you make an income (but I don’t see how anyone does.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (So I’m not sure why I want to work with you.) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (Which I passed by every day when I went shopping. Not for books, though. What was it I wanted when I went out?) and B&N is not far behind (Oh yeah! Shoes. With straps and stiletto heels) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (Kind of like that one time that me and the pool boy (CENSORED). Hey, maybe that explains my goals. What was that word for somebody who likes pain? Ma…maso...mentalist? Maoist? Mastectomy? Huh. Guess I need one of those word dinosaurs. You know. A the-rexaurus.) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (You didn’t even get to the ruby whips.)Jesus Christ (Do you know how much research that took? And) do you have a rich husband or something? (Because if you do, we should get together. For research. Because)I don't see how you make an income (without needing (CENSORED). I mean (CENSORED) (CENSORED) with (CENSORED) and a few dog leashes can really make anyone’s day)

p.s. – your industry is dying, chum. You have already seen the implosion of Border’s, and dude, that was like a depth charge going off in an aquarium. Brain soup, man. Brain soup. I don’t know how you sharks survived it, and B&N is not far behind – my ears bleed just thinking about the impending carnage. Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, which is far more than you should ever offer the offspring of those whoreson manta rays and their rectal-cranially-inverted jellyfish cousins. Talk about breeding in the shallow end of the gene pool! I wish you’d do something to save yourself, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven’t even read as thoughtlessly as if you were scraping barnacles off your leathery hide. Jesus Christ, sessile suspension feeders deserve some respect, damn it! Do you have a rich husband or something? Because I cannot believe those are your original teeth. No one, shark or barracuda, has jaws that perfect. With what you must spend on dental augmentation, I don’t see how you make an income. Swim carefully, chum, ‘cuz from where I’m skulking the industry’s looking to order shark-fin soup.

your industry is dying for my novel of toe sucking vampires. You have already seen the implosion of Border's museum quality toe jam. And B&N is not far behind, as they've already created a whole new section featuring shrunken toes, which is kinda like shrunken heads, only for the toe sucking vampires when a fresh toe isn't available (think toe-pacifiers. for vampires). Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, if they can't order enough fresh toes. But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, mostly the stuff written by Jesus Christ who's decidedly against vampire toe eaters. Do you have a rich husband or something? Cause I do. He's also a toe sucking vampire. Which is totally hot in bed. I don't see how you make an income without one sucking on your toe.

This might have gone over on words, but I laughed while writing it. And I'm tired. So there.

p.s.- your industry is dying,(to get its hands on my book) you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(alas, my book came too late for them) and B&N is not far behind,(and because of you, rejecting the best thing ever written, my book might not be able to save them in time) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(because that’s where I’m taking my golden words next) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (until your eyes bleed because of its awesomeness) Jesus Christ (I am blinded by my own brilliance!) do you have a rich husband or something? (Or stole the words from the previous work I sent you, and published it under your own name? Because that too was gold.) I don't see how you make an income, (... oh ... sh*t ... I think I just saw a shark fin)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (I wish I wish I wish) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (whom I can no longer drunkenly patronize and repeatedly ask the cashiers why my book isn't on the shelves) and B&N,(and their coffee whacked "more literary than thou" patrons) is not far behind,(God, I hope)internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (just like the one I can no longer afford due to dumping all my $ into my own "soon and inevitably to be a million seller" novel) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (which is what I'm going to tell everyone whether it's true or not)Jesus Christ (I'll take anyone who doesn't do what I want's name in vain)do you have a rich husband or something? (If I did, I'd have two dozen novels out AND a maid, that dumb twit)I don't see how you make an income (which I refuse to admit is something I will probably never be able to do in this industry, at least not with this attitude and barrage of insults).

p.s. This is what I proclaimed to fortify the spirits of my Gospel writers in this agnostic age: Your industry is dying to laud and honor you for your work bringing good news to the poor and setting captives free. You have already seen the implosion of Border's (sp?) between Judea and Egypt, and B&N is not far behind, (my code name for Herod, “Bellicose & Nuts”). Even if wiseacres claim that, two thousand years from now, something called internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (pardon my French), I advise you to retort, with my blessing: “But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, you biblical illiterates.” Moreover, many are the snakes, the Judases or Dan Browns, who would put words into the mouth of our beloved son Jesus Christ, having him ask Magdalene “do you have a rich husband or something? Girlfriend, I don't see how you make an income spilling oil all over the place and wiping guys’ feet with your hair.”

P.S: Your industry is dying (from excessive amounts of mediocre product like mine.) You have already seen the implosion of Border's (or at least taken pictures) and B&N is not far behind; (I’m driving there now with a pickup full of C-4). Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (becuase it bee muck beter eddddited). But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (for fear your retinas will scar permanently, and rightly so). Jesus Christ (even promised to blurb my book; at least that’s what the grilled cheese sandwich with his picture on it told me.) Do you have a rich husband or something? (If so, does he have a less-discerning brother?) I don't see how you make an income (unless it involves wearing black latex while whipping people and saying, “You’re not right for my list! You’re not right for my list!”)

p.s.- your industry is dying/ (and there can be no denying)/ you have already seen the implosion of Border's/ (too expensive were their bricks and mortars)/ and B&N is not far behind/ (to close more stores they'll be inclined)/ internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch/ (and who of us rejected writers won't laugh a bunch?)/ but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read/ (perhaps you'll reconsider my novel instead/even) Jesus Christ (would've been enticed)/ do you have a rich husband or something/(and might he be Stephen King?!)/ I don't see how you make an income (rejecting great novels when just the query's dumb/ Your rejection of my work was quite obtuse/ Warmest Regards, Dr. Seuss.....)

Your industry is dying. (Yea, verily I say unto you, that) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (for its sinful ways--and its poorly considered exclusive deal to sell the crappy Sony e-reader), and B&N is not far behind, (for if monochrome is good enough for the Good Book, then the penitent need not a full color touch screen, on which my book is not even available.) Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (as the Revelation according to St. John foretells with the opening of the eighth seal,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, (though only by reading the divinely inspired words of our savior, and my personal muse) Jesus Christ, (will you achieve riches in eternity.) Do you have a rich husband or something? (Cast him out, for those riches cannot sustain the soul.) I don't see how you make an income, (but He sees everything, and on the Day of Judgment your income will be weighed and found lacking for your transgressions against my query. Amen.)

p.s.- your industry is dying to read my revolutionary cookbook The Meal in the Mirror: Cannibalism for Beginners. you have already seen the implosion of Border's for refusing to stock this next to an Edible Elbows endcap and B&N is not far behind if they miss the section on How To Make Feet Taste Tasty.

internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch before you even get a chance to try one! but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, like you're on some "no body-parts" fad diet. Jesus Christ, a pioneer in the field of sharing body and blood, has even promised me a blurb!

do you have a rich husband or something? because like all expensive meat, they cook up a treat! I don't see how you make an income but then, I'm not a CPA with X-Ray vision- I'm just a cannibal with a keyboard… and a dream.

p.s.- your industry is dying (like the firebands of my tortured artistic soul.) You have already seen the implosion of Border's (- it left a black hole the size of a walnut in your dryer, that’s where all your socks keep disappearing to -) and B&N is not far behind (since they censored my self-published book by refusing to sell it, and I’m suing them for violating my first-amendment rights) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (and possibly your leftovers for breakfast) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (I bet you can’t even see it. You, like all gatekeepers, are blind to true art.) Jesus Christ (wasn’t persecuted nearly as I am. Me, the tragic lonely artist, the only one brave enough to embrace TRUE ART!) do you have a rich husband or something? (Clearly, capitalism has corrupted you, just like all the rest of the black-heared gatekeepers) I don't see how you make an income (and still have pride. A true artist should starve. Starve, I tell you! STARVE!)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (and I’m dying with it). (It will be hard,) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (where I broke my leg,) and B&N is not far behind, (at which point we can assume, minimum, I’ll lose a limb). (It’s time I tell you the truth: I’m the publishing nymph. When the last brick and mortar store is gone, I will be too.) (The Muses warned me, “Nymph,) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(” but I knew we were better off than the papyrus dryads, so I just ignored them. You know how it is: the writing’s on the wall,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. (I feel so stupid!) Jesus Christ, (I don’t want to die. Maybe you can save us! You can invest! Um,) do you have a rich husband or something? (I don’t mean to pry, it’s just that) I don't see how you make an income, (and I’m a little old fashioned, being an ancient immortal thing, so I just assumed… Anyway, write back. Please. I need you.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (as will be the whole of planet Earth soon) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (it was kind of like that bit in Independence Day but not as fun) and B&N is not far behind (that’s what my alien masters told me, and it’s going to be gory) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (literally, as they're secretly run by Zharg, Emperor of the Galaxy and his Martian minions) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (the writing on the wall, I’m telling you, you need to read it - alien destruction is coming!) Jesus Christ (is your only hope, but only if he can do that spin-the-world-back-in-time thing that Superman did in that one film) do you have a rich husband or something? (because then you might be able to buy a berth on my intergalactic spaceship like those rich folk in the film 2012 - yeah, I don’t know what John Cusack was thinking either) I don't see how you make an income (-ing alien invasion force turn back, so you might as well join me in welcoming the new rulers of Earth. Honestly, you must have guessed the end of the world was nigh when Snooki got a book deal?)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (as there is little need for electronics since the Fall), you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (once all nations realized there was no longer any individual strife, only humanity, the Borders were pointless) and B&N is not far behind, (which is why we must ration Butane & Nonoxycylin for fire, and fighting the Plague), internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (the internet's sentience is no laughing matter, nor is its caloric database rendering fueled by human rectums) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (because doing what we used to do is the only way to cling to hope-- not even) Jesus Christ, (son of God, can help us now, but at least we still have love and family to cling to, and we can ask each other:) do you have a rich husband or something? (With currency meaningless, love and family are the only riches we need, and I hope you have that, at least, to comfort you). I don't see how you make an income (on the services you still offer, but then, you only need to survive).

p.s.- Your industry is dying,(and here I was, kindly working on a new punctuation system to revive it.) You have already seen the implosion of Border's, (Amazon and their minions got them,) and B&N is not far behind, (last night, after a much deserved bottle of gin, I had a dream: ) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(and I could’ve saved you) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (, or even called the author to discuss what little subjective stuff pushed you to make such a rushed decision.) Jesus Christ, (do you know him? Well, he wishes you’d call and apologize to me. Unless…)do you have a rich husband or something? (How else could you afford to be so carefree? Because) I don't see how you make an income, (since you just rejected a combination of Gone With The Wind, Harry Potter, and The Old Man And The Sea. Yes, my work was that good. Hasta la vista, baby!)

p.s.- your industry is dying [as foretold the fiction novel you rejected, THE DA VINCI COMMA] you have already seen the implosion of Border's [as I mention in the short novellas you rejected, THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET’S NUTS] and B&N is not far behind [see my graphic comics you rejected, HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-WIT PRINCE] internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch [see the French cooking cookbook you rejected, LOONY AND LOONIER] but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read [see the self-help drivel you rejected E IS FOR ELLIPSIS] Jesus Christ [see the self-illustrated children’s book for children you rejected, HERE COMES THE QUERY BARGE!] do you have a rich husband or something? [see the Peep Diorama you rejected—and probably ate!!!!, THE OVERTON WIERDO] I don't see how you make an income [Sincerely, Glenn Beck]

p.s.- your industry is dying (to publish luminous, effulgent script such as mine) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (who declined to vend my lustrous, self-published work of distinction) and B&N is not far behind (in their lack of vision - they fail to comprehend that mere initials convey far less meaning than full-length words. The way of the future is) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (with crisps. I would have liked to add you to my train of glory) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (while those of us with eyes to see are headed straight for) Jesus Christ (who, unlike you, knows how to recognise luminous writing when He sees it. Wait, did I say that already? Anyway, He wants to know:) do you have a rich husband or something? (Because it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than to enter heaven. But) I don't see how you make an income (at all, since you clearly have no idea what the public wants to read.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (gasping and writhing from the poison I fed it) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (I set explosives, but I guess they didn't work properly) and B&N is not far behind (although it's strugling to keep up, what with it's wooden leg and all) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (in an all-you-can-eat frenzy) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (as you can tell from my deathless prose in this letter you made a huge mistake) Jesus Christ (superstar) do you have a rich husband or something? (and where can I get one?) I don't see how you make an income (unless it's through selling talented writers, whoch it can't be, as you rejected me)

p.s. Your industry is dying to dish with me about how I get my hair so lustrous and shiny. I should admit my hair products are volatile, so you have already seen the implosion of Border's – I plan to visit other bookstores to show off my hair; B&N is not far behind. On an unrelated note, I have a surprise for you: the carnivorous internet publishing and self-publishing plant. This exotic greenery is going to eat your ass-holes for lunch, as this is his natural diet, but have no fear – I’ve trained it to only take small bites to ease its hunger pains until dinner. As a precaution, I recommend wearing rubber underwear tomorrow. Just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read; this appears to calm both the plant and my explosive hair. Let us pray to Jesus Christ that both will behave. Hey, do you have a rich husband or something? Maybe he’d like to invest in my carnivorous plant business? I don't see how you make an income without investigating new ass-hole-eating plants. Oh, and thanks for bailing me out of prison the other day – my hair got so worked up! Toodles! BFF!

p.s.- your industry is dying (consider this my final warning to you, out of the kindness of my heart), you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (which I singlehandedly took down)and B&N is not far behind,(I haven't bought a single book this year!), internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(my hit manuscript has made .02 ALREADY!) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (a pox upon your reading eyes!), Jesus Christ (can't even save you from what's to come), do you have a rich husband or something? (because you may want to leave the country from the embarassment that you've brought upon yourself). I don't see how you make an income,(when you continue to burn bridges with budding stars like myself)

I promised myself I'd join one of these but I didn't think I'd find myself double posting. Loretta

p.s. your industry is dying. . . Winds of sweeping change are toppling the dictators right and left. . . you have already seen the implosion of Borders . . .big oil, big chicken, big tobacco, big book teeter on the abyss . . .and B&N is not far behind . . . shop the farmer's markets, buy organic . . . .internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch . . . Nessie, Chessie, and Jaws, like homing pigeons, have God's GPS and are locked on to you . . . Jesus Christ will come to save the good people do not count yourself among the elect, repent now! Be born again. . . do you have a rich husband or something? . . . Is your man a drug king, did your daddy leave you a trust fund, did you steal the key to B. Madoff's secret account . . . I don't see how you make an income. . . you must read the totality to understand the infinity. I hope you enjoy the unemployment line. Have a nice day.

p.s.- your industry is dying,(aren‘t we all) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (I mean my God how can they heat those places, high ceilings, big windows, coffee machines). And B&N is not far behind, (what’s noble about shopping in a barn anyway) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (and dinner but breakfast, no way, it’s the most important meal of the day. Soft eggs, hot sausage, home fries with habanero sauce, now that will eat your assholes) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read,(because reading is, archaic - You Tube, Face book, Jersey Shore, NPR that‘s where it’s at babe), Jesus Christ, (his father’s last name is Dammit), do you have a rich husband or something? (I know you do because we spent a long weekend in Atlantic city together and he told me all about your hang-ups, I mean really, what’s so sexy about smooth skinned mammals getting their fins stroked). I don't see how you make an income, (and because you don’t, how about agenting my sex manual, How To Make Love While Eating Cupcakes).

p.s.- your industry is dying for a decent lunch venue. you have already seen the implosion of Border's Taco Stupendo, and B&N is not far behind--That's Beans and noodles, the cafe where internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch. Editors on an expense account are still calling you every day and offering to take you out, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read the menu for. Or, no, not writing, food. Jesus Christ, or Lord and Savior, recommends the new seafood restaurant in Soho, where the loaves and fishes are excellent. do you have a rich husband or something? Get him to take you there for dinner. A meal costs double what it does at lunchtime. I don't see how you make an income without eating regularly. Fish is brain food, you know.

do you have a rich husband or something? If that dude don't pay I'm gonna be like the Macadamia of Death squirreling Ms. Nut away. Course, I'm bad, I'll plug your inkstained torso anyway.

I don't see how you make an income harkening to foretelling of light and life, when you’ve been warned of your doom by me - moi, ich, mujhē, aku, mig, chạn - clanking the voice of thousands... Get these chains off! - Sweetie, put the pen down.

p.s.- your industry is dying, just like your career will when I sell more books than Patterson, Brown, and Baldacci COMBINED and then return to crush you. you have already seen the implosion of Border's, who also once rejected me, and B&N is not far behind, and when I am done, internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, chew you up, and spit you in the gutter like a bum’s diseased phlegm, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (even though not reading something is precisely what rejection means in this sense, but screw that logic) Jesus Christ would not dare reject me do you have a rich husband or something? or just a God complex? With all the books you don’t read I don't see how you make an income, you must be a socialist.

Oh, wow, these are hilarious. I’m honored, of course, that my fit of silliness has been so contagious. The p.s. was a bit harder to make “nice,” but I gave it my best shot:

p.s. (My chum Henri tells me) your industry is dying, (and I’m not helping things.) You have already seen the implosion of Border’s, (which wasn’t my fault, the explosives were meant for the The Fry’s Electronics store. I’m just so sick of their lack of customer service. Come to think of it, Borders’ ain’t so hot in that department, either.) And B&N is not far behind. (I asked for something for my little cousin and got “The Day My Butt Went Psycho.” Please. I wrote to you because Henri told me and my writing partner, who is not imaginary, that) “internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,” (as there is no editorial help, which I appear to need.) Jesus Christ, (why are the rules of grammar so hard! Anyway, not that I’m stalking you, but I saw you get out of that new Jaguar XK last Tuesday at approximately 3:54pm, right after your dentist appointment, which you were ten minutes late for, by the way.) Do you have a rich husband or something? I don’t see how you make an income (commensurate with such a purchase, but then, your client list is quite impressive.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (for some new blood. Like mine! And I mean that literally. Or metaphorically. Figuratively? Irregardless, you need it.) You have already seen the implosion of Border's. (Not my fault. I’m like 46% sure of it.) And B&N is not far behind. (At least that’s what I think they meant when they wrote I wasn’t barnes or noble material. Then some guys at FroYoToGo said) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch. (Their word, not mine. Mine was flarfenuggins. Funnier, right?? That’s what I told them! Anyway, they said they called you a bajillion times about their true crime fiction novel) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (and I was wondering, if maybe you can’t. Read, that is. Sometimes, I can’t. So, I thought maybe I could help. I’ll teach you with the book I wrote, Read Good to Save Your Soul; A Message From)Jesus Christ. (It’s inspirational AND motivating!!) Do you have a rich husband or something? (‘Cause maybe he can help you publish me!) I don't see how you make an income. (Could you show me some of your bank statements?)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (for another drink) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (and it was a beauteous sight, better than fireworks) and B&N is not far behind, (Goodie! Another reason to buy a bottle of bubbly) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (Ass-holes for lunch is Tony Bourdain’s thing. I wouldn't want to piss him off by stealing his schtick.) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (ESP is a wonderful thing, isn’t it!) Jesus Christ, (He doesn’t work here, sorry, but dial 2 for our company directory.) do you have a rich husband or something? (Or something—-selling my soul to the devil was rather lucrative.) I don't see how you make an income, (neither does the IRS—-wink, wink)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (I did it, in the ball room, with the candlestick.) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (although I’ve heard that the police have no suspects. That Arson for Dummies book really helped!) and B&N is not far behind, (See? I told you mass destruction was the way to go. Does anyone want to ghost write for my story, The Serial Killer in All of Us?) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (Ha, ha! I will have my revenge!) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (which is technically what makes it a ghost writer, right?) Jesus Christ (himself told my astrologer that this was the way to defeat elitist publishers.) do you have a rich husband or something? (and if you do, can you please see if he has friends? I’m newly single since my ex’s ‘accident’.) I don't see how you make an income, (although, really, if you have a rich husband, I’m not sure why you’d want to. He’ll pay for your lawyers when you go kill someone after helping me with my ‘research’ for my book.)

p.s.- your industry is dying, and the butler did it. You think it’s Mamie the nursemaid cause you have already seen the implosion of Border's slave-trade of writers chained to the publisher’s bench, and B&N is not far behind in becoming our cyberoverlords and internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch. Which might lead you to Woodie the Chef offering you his cookbook but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read and food you haven’t tasted and Jesus Christ in a wafer. But then you think Gottfried the Pastor did it. He’s always asking, “do you have a rich husband or something?” when you turn him away. I don't see how you make an income if you can’t make the butler for it.

P.S.- Your industry is dying (although not as quickly as my VCR repair business). You have already seen the implosion of Border's (Turkey Joint over on Third Street – my finest work since graduating from dynamite academy), and B&N is not far behind (I’m rigging the charges tomorrow morning). Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (because those publishing bigwigs love homemade hot dogs, but all they have at the moment is a bunch of lips), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (just like those jerk lawyers at Chuck E. Cheese’s who refused to read my court-ordered apology letter and filed a restraining order after my misunderstanding with that giant mouse led to his broken nose). Jesus Christ (who totally would love my book, by the way), do you have a rich husband or something (because women certainly can’t earn their own livings)? I don't see how you make an income (because the blinders I wear to view the world are damn effective at shielding me from reality).

p.s.- your industry is dying (and little did you know I was going to save it!) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (I sent them step by step instructions and they wouldn’t listen.) and B&N is not far behind (just as short-sighted, rejecting my suggestions to print more drivel with lots of ellipses like mine, they're the next big thing.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (because you're too tasty to save for dinner) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. (You’ll never know the revelation of the ellipses inspired by my roommate,) Jesus Christ (that was intended to save your keisters!) do you have a rich husband or something? (I wish I did, then I could bother him instead of you.) I don't see how you make an income (I'd invite you to live with me in my mother’s basement, but there isn't enough room what with J.C. and all.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (for a savior, and I am it. Of course) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (allowing Mexican's to take all our best author job's. In the race to re-establish American superiority I am at the forefront,) and B&N is not far behind, (since they've already agreed to display my book at the front of their stores.

Here's how it's gonna work: For breakfast, you mo-fos are going to eat) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (and then I'll eat all of you for dinner and shit you out and save the industry single-handed. If you were smart you'd see the writing on the wall,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, (even though I am the second coming, a literary) Jesus Christ, (heralding a new, successful era of publishing.

So I have to ask:) do you have a rich husband or something? ('Cuz in this new era,) I don't see how you make an income, (not when you can't recognize brilliance when you see it. But tell you what, I'll give you a job. I could use an attack shark.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (along with many state and international governments) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (what, I can’t go to Canada anymore) and B&N is not far behind (just so long it’s not Ben & Jerry’s)internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (if a shark doesn’t get you first) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (I actually prefer to listen to books) Jesus Christ (Superstar) do you have a rich husband or something? (no but I do own a piece of Wall Street) I don't see how you make an income (unless you clean fish tanks on the side)

p.s.- your industry is dying (because you didn’t offer me representation. This is your fault.). You have already seen the implosion of Border's(, and I do apologize. That’s what happens when my manuscript gets close to other books: Armageddon. Now the mass of my MS increases every day. Soon it will swallow the sun) and B&N is not far behind, (for gods’ sake, my MS will destroy us all if we can’t contain it in 500 trade paperback pages—we might have some editing to do—and binder’s glue. I know you’re worried) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (, but they can’t be trusted to save the world from my book. We have to stop my manuscript,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. (Maybe that’s a good thing. What if another monster should rise from the masses? Already, the whole world could be destroyed by my 330,000 words!) Jesus Christ, (where are we going to get the money to save us all?) Do you have a rich husband or something? (Because) I don't see how you make an income (while preparing for Manuscript Armageddon.)

p.s.- your industry is dying,(like fluorescent pink ninjas in the jungle)you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(Mexico and Canada's, to be exact)and B&N is not far behind,(that's Breasts&Nuks: A Baby's Guide to Latching, in case you were wondering)internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(tastes like vulture, very stringy)but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read(without a tramboline to stay awake)Jesus Christ,(on a pogo stick is how God created the Appalachian mountains) do you have a rich husband or something?(Because if you do, how would you feel about husband rental?)I don't see how you make an income,(when there's a perfectly good pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (because of the machines). you have already seen the implosion of Border's ( thanks to a new T-888 eReader) and B&N is not far behind (just as soon as a new T-999 color eReader with rocket launchers is developed). internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (and maybe even the soup & salad at The Olive Garden if you’re not careful. Then you’ll have to go to Applebee’s for lunch. Is that what you want?). but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (which is my mom’s job!). Jesus Christ (my mom mumbles every time I bring up my book) do you have a rich husband or something? (backing your futile resistance against the machines?) I don't see how you make an income (rejecting people like me who have sold upwards of three copies on Amazon).

p.s.- your industry is dying,(but I believe in reincarnation.) You have already seen the implosion of Border's, (reinventing itself into a giant book worm), and B&N is not far behind, (but death is hardly something that we have conscious control over, and) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (but don’t worry, I’ve learned to walk with a potato chip up my butt, and you can too,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. (Except when you come to mine,) Jesus Christ, (the story that has no ending, a must read. In your next life) you have a rich husband or something? (You become a famous Literary Agent). I don't see how you make an income, (but you change the world, one book at a time.)

P.S. Your industry is dying its hair to match your soul. Black. You have already seen the implosion of Border’s and the resultant wormhole that devoured the neighboring Lowe’s and JC Penny’s. And B&N is not far behind. It’s across the street sandwiched between two Starbucks. Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat your ass-holes for lunch and peppermints for desert since you had Hardee’s for breakfast. But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven’t even read, and honestly, I haven’t either. I’m unable. But Milton was blind too, and you’ve seen how well he’s done. Jesus Christ came to him, as he did me. Though I dearly hope J.C. didn’t jump out of his closet and yell “Boogidy-boogidy-boo!” My pants haven’t been right since. When I see Milton in the afterlife, I mean to ask him. Do you have a rich husband or something? Maybe a well-off, near dead Uncle Lance? Otherwise, I don’t see how you make an income. Please don’t feel bad. I can’t see shit. I’m blind. But as long as I can locate the home row keys, and, if I may, paraphrase Robert Frost: “…and that [makes] all the difference.”

p.s.- your industry is dying,(I’m talking deader than dinosaurs without the feet twitching), you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(I did that with my mind. One thought from me), and B&N is not far behind, (I’ll do it. I swear, just as soon as this headache goes away.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(all this talk of lunch has made me hungry), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, (my book is a perfectly good manifesto everybody says so), Jesus Christ,(hasn’t answered my prayers yet, but when he does you’ll be sorry), do you have a rich husband or something?(I could use a loan. Mom’s nagging me for rent.) I don't see how you make an income, (don’t you need money to by chum to feed the shark?)

“P.S. Your industry is dying.” Helen shook her head. “I know you have already seen the implosion.”“Of Border's Ranch?” I asked, squinting at the choppy picture of Helen on the screen.“And B&N is not far behind.”“Well, roping cattle isn’t what it was, but Buckwheat & Nancy treats their people like shit.” No excuse for that.“...internet publishing and self-publishing.”“Helen, turn that damn radio off. This Skype crap is bad enough already.”“...is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,” she finished, glaring.“Watch your mouth, young lady.” Why my daughter had to harass an old cowboy was beyond me.“But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read!” Helen clenched her fists.“Jesus Christ, Helen.” I peered at her. “I’m not going to read those old man articles.” Grinning assholes in turtlenecks and recliners.“Dad, please. David says...”“Oh, do you have a rich husband or something?” I asked. She inhaled deeply. Helen hated when I brought up David. That smooth-handed bastard.“Dad,” she said quietly, “I worry about you. I don't see how you make an income.”“Oh, honey,” I said. “What’s this bullshit? ‘Make an income.’ Kiddo, I live.”

p.s.- your industry is dying,(as everyone knows. I only queried out of a misplaced sense of nostalgia. But you—)you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(which shocked everyone, because they were supposed to tank, not restructure. They won't survive without a return to old-fashioned respect for self-published works,) and B&N is not far behind(. I don't want to burst your sails, but, as things are,) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch(. Don't you get that I'm trying to save the freaking industry by sabotaging Borders & B&N??? SOMEBODY has to make self-published works more palatable,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. (I feel like) Jesus Christ, (with everyone crucifying me for saying what nobody wants to hear.) do you have a rich husband or something? (If you don't, you'd better get one, STAT, before this entire restructuring thing happens and you're no longer needed. Even as things are,) I don't see how you make an income, (since everyone knows that advances are dying and publishers don't pay and everyone pays in royalties, now.)

p.s.- your industry is dying,(the spell cast by that witch pretending to be a bag lady at the end of my block was supposed to just cause Restless Leg Syndrome…Oops!) you have already seen the implosion of Border's,( I just bought their stock, the whole buy low, sell high thing may just work this time, now I just have to look up that word bankruptcy and I’m on easy street) and B&N is not far behind,(I’m not kidding, they are following me) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(I suggested the Pizza-Snickers diet, but people will eat what they will eat) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (notice the strong literary voice in this sentence I borrowed from a excerpt in Snookie’s new book) Jesus Christ,( I thought I’d name drop here, I mean he’s sold more books than Rowling) do you have a rich husband or something? (Does he have a sister? The doctor says I’m getting better and the medication I’m on has removed my talons and ability to fly) I don't see how you make an income,(one word: Plastics.)

p.s.- your industry is dying,(just like whale hunting, because you can't turn blubber into ambergris, not in this political climate.)you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(much like an imploding sperm whale,)and B&N is not far behind,(and you don't want to be behind an imploding whale, believe me.)internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(like an orca, the mighty killer whale,)but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (like Moby Dick, which was about a whale and)Jesus Christ,(or maybe that was The Old Man and the Sea, I didn't read that either, but seeing as how we both enjoy harpooning,)do you have a rich husband or something? (because we could knock him in Shamu's pool at Sea World and spend his money on a whaling cruise.)I don't see how you (couldn't) make an income,(if you took up with me and got into the glamorous and lucrative world of whale processing.)

p.s.- your industry is dying, through beer goggles you have already seen the implosion of Border's, happy hour and B&N is not far behind, bourbon induced internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, although not before a cocktail reception but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read even if you miss last call. Jesus Christ, or Oh great sharky one as I know you liked to be called do you have a rich husband or something? With all the dental bills (all those shark teeth), chewing on naive authors who tell rather than show, and trolling for scared conference attendees, I don't see how you make an income, but I do see you why you need scotch. Daily.

p.s.- your industry is dying (I think my womb’s just exploded) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (no, I got it wrong. It was my bowel. It’s just erupted through my stomach, and sent colonic shrapnel crashing into my skull) and B&N is not far behind, (whoops, my brain has dropped into my rectum and splashed excrement into my cranial cavity) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (everything’s clearer now I have shit for brains) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (falling shattered bone has now ruptured my spleen, hence my venting.) Jesus Christ, (I think I drank too much weapons grade Drano) do you have a rich husband or something? (I’d better not fart.) I don't see how you make an income, (I wonder if I could make a buck if I sold my body for a live autopsy?)

p.s.- your industry is dying (for a government stimulus) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (Charlie Sheen) and B&N is not far behind. (Snookie), internet publishing and self-publishing are going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (and amazon reviewers will eat you for dinner), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (while watching What's Hot in Cleveland). Jesus Christ ( without the H) do you have a rich husband or something? (No matter how many times I stick my thumb up my asterisk) I don't see how you make an income, (doing something that you love)

p.s.- your industry is dying(I just saw a vulture carry off a Penguin),...you have already seen the implosion of Border's(espresso machines are lethal)..and B&N is not far behind(B&N, BP, Benson & Hedges – I hate them all),.....internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch(cutting edge writers don’t use ‘are’ anymore, but I bet you didn’t know that),.....but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read(do you go by smell, or weight, or what?).....Jesus Christ(WWJD? If Jesus was a publisher I’d have me a contract now, in big gold letters on stone tablets),...do you have a rich husband or something?(I’m going with something, you’re probably a steampunk lesbian with too many cats),,,I don't see how you make an income(your whole shtick is probably a front for human organ traffickers, although I also suspect that you may be a vampire)

(I took creative license and changed ass-holes to ass-hats simply because I wanted to. It has a nice ring to it and it is edgier, more contemporary. There is a lot to be said for the classics though…. Oh well.)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (I'm using a font is called trebuchet because I am flinging my career out to pasture.) you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(It's on YouTube.).and B&N is not far behind,(However my BDSM is doing very well. It's selling for 99 cents a pop over at readmypoorlywrittenandeditedporn.com. I sold 6 downloads this month already.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-hats for lunch,(Oh look, I just reached 7 downloads. Only three of those were from my family, including one from my teenage niece.) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. (Wait that means I have to sell another 70,000 downloads to pay for the counseling my underage niece needs after reading my crap!) Jesus Christ (and I discussed this at length. I'm gonna make a bazillion bucks self publishing. I graciously gave you the opportunity to ride my coattails.) do you have a rich husband or something? (if so, where can I find one? with the way I use ellipse and commas I am not going to make my rent with writing.)I don't see how you make an income (then again, I'm extremely stupid),....

P.S.- Your industry is dying as a direct result of your clever blog posts, especially the prompt contests (fave). Case in point: you have already seen the implosion of Border's which, after careful analysis and charting, I discovered its devastating drop in customer base *negatively correlates* with mass readership on your blogs. (Dramatic pause.) And B&N is not far behind—sitting bait.

“Shark attack!,” I warned my local B&N clerk. “You must blog to survive, or ebooks and/or Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch! (Just sayin’.)”

She went all sticks-and-stones-old-baggage-ish. “Agent spy! You just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, then broadcast it like martini-drinking-technology-loving-highlords.”

I tried another tactic. “Have you seen the query post about Jesus Christ’s life story? Written by G-O-D? Your clients flock to the reef. F. L. O. C. K. Caren’t ye that the Big Guy’s on her side? And MerBear?!” (Dramatic pause.) “Or, do you have a rich husband or something?”

When security grabbed my arm, I cried, “Honestly. I don't see how you make an income.”

I fell teary when the remaining patrons organically chanted, “LONG LIVE THE SHARK!”

"Your industry is dying," Vanymeir says, wiping his bloody sword on the grass and sheathing it again. "You have already seen the implosion of Border's." "Who's that?" Lisander asks. "That gutter town thirty leagues to the east?" Vanymeir nods. "And B&N is not far behind." "Bristol and Navarre?" Lisanders sighs and scratches his head. "You know what Falerall said, right? 'Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you a**-holes for lunch.' Any idea what that means?" "He's crazy, that's what it means." Vanymeir looks Lisander in the eye. "You're a scribe. You could do someone about it while you have the chance, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read." "There's no way that text was an accurate biography of Jesus Christ!" "So? Do you have a rich husband or something?" Vanymeir laughs mirthlessly and shakes his head. "I don't see how you make an income." "I have a standard to uphold. Everyone keeps talking about some German guy with a machine that can write words, but how will that machine know what words are worth writing?" Vanymeir squints at the hillside. "If it's not one monster it's another. I'm just glad I have a sword."

Holy mother of...,,,...,,, my word processing program went nuts on this thing after I pasted it!

p.s.- your industry is dying, and it is the masterminds of geniuses like myself that can save you with our lack of spelling, grammar or punctuation. I just thought I’d dive into said dying industry and completely change the whole landscape, one misspelled word at a time, followed by unnecessary punctuation marks. Unless you live under my rock with me, you have already seen the implosion of Border's, better known as common sense on my part and B&N is not far behind. Since I have a butt fetish, internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, because everyone knows assholes (or ass-holes) taste great with a nice merlot. But(t) you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read based on the fact that your eyes are bleeding after the first paragraph. I mean, give a writer a chance. The bleeding will stop eventually. Jesus Christ Superstar was a stupid movie, but I bet you loved it. I relish in my own stupidity, I’m as deep as a reflecting pool and haven’t taken my Zoloft today so I’m going to make a completely sexist remark such as: do you have a rich husband or something? See how slick I slid that in there? I don't see how you make an income, since you avoid such wonderful writers and forward thinkers such as me. I think you should really consider re-reading my P.O.S. and reconsidering because this email I sent to you is a positive step in a great working relationship. I can’t tell you what a complete buffoon you are on a daily basis. Deal?

p.s.- your industry is dying (at least that's what I like to tell myself) you have already seen the implosion of Border's(which of course is your fault) and B&N is not far behind (even though there's no evidence to prove that) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch(because self-publish authors have nothing better to do, cause they're perfect.) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (cause you're just the freaking good.) Jesus Christ (really has nothing to do with this, but throwing that in there makes me sound more dramatic.) do you have a rich husband or something? (because obviously you must, to have gotten this far in life.) I don't see how you make an income (read: I can do your job so much better.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (though not as fast as my chances of getting an agent.) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (in the middle east - sorry, wrong rant - anyway, my delusional ravings have gotten me tossed out of most bookstores) and B&N is not far behind. (Graffiti sanskrit, the next big wave, and not) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (Speaking of food, would you please e-mail me your Amex #, I‘m short on funds this week, take it out of my pending big advance.) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, (which in my case, skips an unnecessary step and saves time.) Jesus Christ (had a famous daddy to help him,) do you have a rich husband or something? (If so, is he looking for a partner? Or maybe someone to carry his briefcase?) I don't see how you make an income, (but if it doesn‘t require any intelligence, tact, or actual work, yet pays well, can you teach me?)

p.s.- Your industry is dying without me to guide you, my pet.You have already seen the implosion of Border's (not a to scale model, but unlike George Lucas, I don't have an unlimited budget just yet, Pookie-bear), and B&N is not far behind (they are lax in sending the blueprint. Mother says, be patient.)Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (one of Mother's favorite expressions, she's so colorful, you will just LOVE her).But you just sit there rejecting, writing that you haven't even read my manifesto, when your name is tattooed on my heart (and incidentally across my forehead).Jesus Christ has nothing on you, my dove.Do you have a rich husband or something? Fear not as I do not mind sharing you (or me. Solitary confinement opened my mind).I don't see how you make an income without our love as your muse (Ted&Sylvia, Ren&Stimpy, you complete me)(p.s.s. your e-mails and tweets aren't coming through. You might want to file a report).

p.s.- Your industry is dying, much like my hamsters who ate the first copy of my manuscript which had been handwritten entirely on a cheese wheel. You have already seen the implosion of Border's, which I blame on the democrats and they’re free thinking ways, and B&N is not far behind, as the axis of evil grows. Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, and wash you down with whatever taste good when you’re eating assholes, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. Jesus Christ died for my sins but I am pretty sure not yours so you can burn in hell. By the way do you have a rich husband or something? Maybe I could talk to him since obviously women cannot make good decisions by themselves and must have a man to guide and provide for them. I don't see how you make an income, when you don’t have a penis to help you think.

p.s.- your industry is dying, (like the tigers and other beautiful, man-eating creatures imbeciles like me have tried to destroy for vanity) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (because they were clueless and operating on an out-dated business model) and B&N is not far behind, (despite posting profits). internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (and vomit the results on the unsuspecting public), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (because I’m too fucking stupid and lazy to read your guidelines and follow them doesn’t give you any excuse, nor does my poor grasp of punctuation, grammar and spelling). Jesus Christ (on a pogo stick) do you have a rich husband or something? (Maybe a far better sense of judgment than I’m displaying by being such an ignorant prick? Or a knack for spotting actually decent writing rather than effluvious hackery?) I don't see how you make an income, (because, again, I’m too sodding ignorant to read your guidelines, but it’s OK because I am a GREAT WRITER!!!!!!!).

p.s.- your industry is dying to read (my guide on how to land an agent.) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (which was caused by a riot of people who couldn’t find my book) and B&N is not far behind, (plus you should know it was demand for my book, not solar flares that crashed the) internet. Publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (which is why I’m trying to help you by giving you the opportunity to take a cut of my magnum opus), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (even though I’m clearly an expert on my subject matter--as an added bonus, I’ll throw in a punctuation guide, titled COMMAS…AND ELLIPSES,,,, DON’T BELIEVE WHAT YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT). Jesus Christ (himself would buy my book). do you have a rich husband or something? (If not, I really think you should read my guide on how to marry a millionaire.) I don't see how you make an income (without my priceless guides on your list).

p.s.- your industry is dying, or at least doesn’t feel so hot. Publishing turned into a Giant Gated Community with Patrolled Border’s and Bob-wire Fence’s and shit, except it bought a Cheap Crappy Gate on sale at Lowe’s. Well, you have already seen the implosion of Border's, that you can’t control, and now every feeble dickwit that sorta learned the alphabet is writing books. I know one thing – Letter’s must be kept in the correct order’s and B&N is not far behind A&M! Oh, well, internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch and everyone knows that ass-holes have to be prepared just right or they taste like shit! Meanwhile I’m pissing my talent away at McDonalds but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, even the one where I channeled Jesus Christ and he revealed for women everywhere, 2012 was time for pole-change, if you get my drift. Maybe you don’t care - do you have a rich husband or something better? Is there something better? I don't see how you make an income. You must wonder, who do I have to fuck to get out of this business?

Sorry, just noticed a typo. 'By' should be 'buy'. Here's the updated/corrected entry:

p.s.- your industry is dying,(I’m talking deader than dinosaurs without the feet twitching), you have already seen the implosion of Border's,(I did that with my mind. One thought from me), and B&N is not far behind, (I’ll do it. I swear, just as soon as this headache goes away.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch,(all this talk of lunch has made me hungry), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, (my book is a perfectly good manifesto everybody says so), Jesus Christ,(hasn’t answered my prayers yet, but when he does you’ll be sorry), do you have a rich husband or something?(I could use a loan. Mom’s nagging me for rent.) I don't see how you make an income, (don’t you need money to buy chum to feed the shark?)

p.s.- your industry is dying, (for my book that’s the next Twilight, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, & Winnie-the-freaking-pooh combo) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (further proof you need me) and B&N is not far behind, (consider it a final warning sharky-poo) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (BTW it’s a delicacy in France), but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read (Don’t think I’m not onto you Reid). Jesus Christ, (chum scummer) do you have a rich husband or something? (I haven’t seen him swimming around the reef, but if you could open your blinds, I might get a better looksie tonight). I don't see how you make an income, (without my future bestselling bestsellerdom in your fins. In the words of Monty Hall, let’s make a deal...or else. Smooches.)

p.s.- your industry is dying (to publish my 500,000-word fiction novels and my half-finished, semi-autobiographical Memoir of a Klingon Geisha.) you have already seen the implosion of Border's (bookshelves from the weight of the 1000's of copies I placed of my self-published masterpieces I wrote in high school,) and B&N is not far behind (on my list of store visits for my ALWAYS sold-out book signings.) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch (if global warming doesn't melt you into a quivering puddle of make-up and mascara first,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read(, even if it were written by) Jesus Christ, (himself. BTW,) do you have a rich husband or something? (That's the only reason I can think of for why you'd pass up a multi-million dollar commission by ignoring my guaranteed bestseller and Hollywood movie blockbuster.) I don't see how you make an income (when you can't even recognize the brilliance of the next L. Ron Hubbird, but if you visit my website, guarinteeedmuneymakers.info, and pay just $49/mo, I'll teach you how to make $2,000/day on the Internet.)

p.s.- your industry is dying. So am I because of this crack habit. I really smoked a lot before sending that email. What do you mean you could tell??? Wait, who said that??? You have already seen the implosion of Border's around the little yellow man in my head. He lives next to the unicorn who dictated my novel. The doctors say unicorns aren't real and B&N is not far behind (brain atrophy and neurotic episodes caused by obsessive compulsive behavior concerning placement of dots in a line).

Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch. (*Real publishing dines on cupcakes and rips bad-mannered bastards new assholes.) But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. You don't need to read it because "I Write Like" Dan Brown and some Russian dudes. Jesus Christ, what the Funk and Wagnalls??? You can't read Russian??? Do you have a rich husband or something? Does he read Russian???

I don't see how you make an income running contests like this. I'm a First One Publishing winner. They love my writing style since I switched to ??? Ellipses are sooooo last week. Don't you think???

p.s.- your industry is dying, (according to the numerous voices in my head, and now that) you have already seen the implosion of Border's, (be afraid because the aliens are planning to vaporize New York. They have explained to me by means of the radio implant in my left molar their plan for world domination,) and B&N is not far behind, (because the artificial intelligence they have seeded into the world-wide web that will soon control all) internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, (as I tried to warn you in the message you mistook for something called a "query." You and your shark superpersona are the world's last chance,) but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. (Don't ignore me like) Jesus Christ, (who went silent on me after the last dose of Xantax. Just tell me once and for all,) do you have a rich husband or something? (With sufficient funds, I might be able to fashion enough tinfoil helmets to make a difference. I can't save the planet on my own because) I don't see how you make an income, (and the drug prescription bills keep piling up while the voices get louder and louder)...

p.s.- your industry is dying to get some good Canadian writers, eh?,...you have already seen the implosion of Border's when the free trade agreement went into affect and Vancouver became Seattle north, so why not let us Canadians in?..and B&N is not far behind in taking over Chapters – our mega bookstore..internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch, along with some fava beans and a nice cabernet .....but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read or it is red?....Jesus Christ,Buddha and even George Bush liked my latest manuscript...do you have a rich husband or something? I could send my really great novel to?,,,,I don't see how you make an income, but I guess it’s from people who can actually write, so okay, goodbye....

"Your industry is dying," Vanymeir says, wiping his bloody sword on the grass and sheathing it again. "You have already seen the implosion of Border's." "Who's that?" Lisander asks. "That gutter town thirty leagues to the east?" Vanymeir nods. "And B&N is not far behind." "Bristol and Navarre?" Lisanders sighs and scratches his head. "You know what Falerall said, right? 'Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch.' Any idea what that means?" "He's crazy, that's what it means." Vanymeir looks Lisander in the eye. "You're a scribe. You could do something about it while you have the chance, but you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read." "There's no way that text was an accurate biography of Jesus Christ!" "So? Do you have a rich husband or something?" Vanymeir laughs mirthlessly and shakes his head. "I don't see how you make an income." "I have a standard to uphold. Everyone keeps talking about some German guy with a machine that can write words, but how will that machine know what words are worth writing?" Vanymeir squints at the hillside. "If it's not one monster it's another. I'm just glad I have a sword."

p.s.- Your industry is dying, and only I have the mouth to resuscitate it! You have already seen the implosion of Border's. That was me; I was scanning the pages of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People when I hiccupped. I feel bad because Border’s was number one in my book (that’s a pun revealing how incredibly witty and intelligent I am) and B&N is not far behind. They even provide me with my own private security guard who lets me wear his shiny bracelets fastened with a chain so my arms won’t get tired carrying my books to the checkout. Where was I? Oh yeah, internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch! Have you ever eaten assholes? I like mine with fava beans and a fine chianti! But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read. Did I mention I know Jesus Christ personally? You’re an agent, eh? Do you have a rich husband or something? I don't see how you make an income, if you spend your time responding to every nut who queries you. Now, about my book…

p.s.- your industry is dying. You’ve already seen the implosion of Border's. You were there at the last battle of Anne Arbor where the Huron River ran red with the blood of the intelligentsia. Hell, you saw Steven Moore felled with your very own eyes, the hastily constructed redoubt of remaindered The Novel: An Alternative History, torn to shreds by a barrage of exploding Kindles hurled by Amazon’s elite core of national account executives… and B&N is not far behind. “Internet publishing and self-publishing is going to eat you ass-holes for lunch!” the barbarian hordes cry, licking their lips at the possibilities of total market saturation. But you just sit there and keep rejecting writing that you haven't even read, thumbing the well-worn corner of Formatting & Submitting Your Manuscript, waiting for the time and place to strike. At 150,000 words, the novel, Jesus Christ, asks the eternal question “do you have a rich husband or something?” After all, I don't see how you make an income unless you turn the tide in your favor.

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I'm a literary agent in NYC. I specialize in crime fiction and narrative non-fiction (history and biography.) I'll be glad to receive a query letter from you; guidelines to help you decide if I'm looking for what you write are below.
There are several posts labelled "query pitfalls" and "annoy me" that may help you avoid some common mistakes when querying.