Hello and Goodbye

Often times, living with relatives can be very inconveniencing, especially when you have businesses you want to attend to behind closed doors.

We met on a random gay app, John Doe and I, and decided to hook up seeing as we stay in the same neighborhood. Our meeting point was to be my place, which was my elder brother’s house. I was just a resident squatter with a room to himself, which was important for the privacy of watching porn and masturbation.

My brother and his wife were out and I was home alone, coordinating with John Doe, whose display picture was that of a very gorgeous man I couldn’t wait to kiss and cling to. I was caught up with fantasies of the things I’d do to and with him as I waited earnestly for his arrival, and I was also a little apprehensive as this was going to be the first time I’d be inviting a stranger to my brother’s house. And even though the couple was out, my brother hadn’t told me when they’d be back. So I had no time frame to work with. However, whatever was going to be, I was positive I would at least get to kiss those lips I’d been feverishly thinking of ever since I set eyes on John Doe’s display picture.

And then, my phone rang. I hurried to it, slightly startled and yet relieved that John Doe was already here. But the Caller ID indicated that it was my brother on the other end, a sight that deflated me immediately.

“Hello,” I said with some sullenness into the phone.

“Yea,” he responded, “please my internet is misbehaving. Can you help me book an Uber ride from Ikeja to the house, and then forward the driver’s number to me?”

Wait – WHAT! They were already all set to come home?

“Now?” I blurted, wanting confirmation.

“What do you mean? Of course now,” my brother snapped.

“OK, I’ll get to it. Text me your exact location,” I said, not knowing how to feel. On the one hand, I could track the progress of my brother’s return home, so I would know how much time I’d have with John Doe. On the other hand, such time wouldn’t be enough for all I’d wanted to do with John Doe.

While I waited for my brother’s text, I was typing mine to John Doe, explaining the change in situation and why we should consider deferring our meeting. I was still typing when his call came in.

Oh good, I’ll just tell him instead of text him, I thought as I answered.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hi,” he responded, and just as I was about to launch into a verbal version of my text, he stopped me short with his next words. “I’m at your gate.”

Oh shit!

My heart doubled its beat as for a moment, I sat there, speechless and clueless over what to do. Then I snapped back into focus and said, “OK, I’m coming out.”

As I disconnected the call, as if to underline the stress of my situation, my brother’s text message pinged into my phone. I checked it out to see that his location wasn’t so far from the house. As it was, there wouldn’t even be enough time for a quickie with John Doe.

What kind of Rainbow Jesus provides a man with a solution to his konji, only to snatch it away like this?

“If only I had my own space, I won’t be sweating like this,” I muttered to myself.

I booked the uber and sent the driver’s contact to my brother, and then I began to monitor his ride home as I headed outside to the gate. According to the uber app, he and his wife would be home in thirty minutes. Please, tell me again what a guy can achieve in such a short time? Was it the kissing I’d been longing to get into with John Doe’s lips or the blow job I’d been salivating to give him? Just why?!

I got to the gate and I met a young guy, dark in complexion, average in height, unevenly bearded, and clad in a tank top and blue jeans that looked a bit dirty. As I approached and he nodded his acknowledgement at me, I felt a different kind of deflation go through my insides.

Like seriously, WTF! This wasn’t the market I requested for. What happened to the red sensuous lips, the sleek jaw line, the promise of a sexy man? Who was this impostor? Both images – the display picture and the guy I was staring at – weren’t tallying at all.

I’d been duped. The realization filled me with both vexation and relief. I was disappointed over the thought that guys still conned other guys online with fake pictures to get hookups. And I was pleased by the realization that I wouldn’t feel any regret at all when I kick this guy out without achieving any sexual high.

He was smiling at me, but his deception had soured my mood.

“Let’s go in please,” I said, stifling the urge I had to dismiss him right there and then.

In the house, I gestured him to a seat while doing a more thorough once-over of him, trying to decide if I minded terribly that he wasn’t the guy I’d been expecting.

“OK, here’s the thing,” I began, “my brother went out with his wife and they will be home any moment from now. I’m tracking them on the uber app and they are” – I looked at my phone – “fifteen minutes away. I was going to text you for us to reschedule our meet when you called. If it’s fine by you, let us reschedule to another time that is fine for both of us.”

“Sure, it’s fine,” he said and got back up to his feet.

Then he walked toward me, reached for my head and pulled me in for a kiss. I kissed him back, all the while aware that these weren’t the lips I’d wanted to kiss. However, I’d decided to take what I’d gotten. It wasn’t that he was bad looking, just not the guy I wanted. For several moments, we stood there, straining against each other, our lips connected and stoking up passions inside us.

I don’t know how long we kissed, but it must have been all of fifteen minutes, because, next thing I knew, there was a loud bang on the front door. I jerked away from John Doe, instantly knowing who was at the door and feeling my heart drop to my stomach like an elevator crashing to the bottom floor from the fiftieth floor of a long building.

“Jesus! Jesus!” I whispered frantically, wondering if my personal Lord and Saviour would even hearken onto my cry and come save me in such a critical time.

There was another loud knock, followed by my brother’s bellow. “Bring your key and open the door! Mine is far!”

“OK, I’m coming,” I called back.

I looked wildly about, thinking fast about what to do with John Doe. I should of course hide him, but where? And I couldn’t control the movements of my brother and his wife once they were in the house. Who’s to say they won’t go straight to behind just the door I decide to tuck John Doe away in to look for something?

John Doe had removed his shoes upon entry into the house; I snatched them up and shoved them into his arms. And then I hustled him to the kitchen.

“Wait here,” I said. My intent was to get him out through the back door after receiving my relatives from the front door.

I raced back to the front door and finally opened the door. My brother brushed past me into the house.

“Your wife nko?” I enquired, noticing no one come in after him.

“She went to the back to check on the laundry she did this morning. You’ll have to go open the back door for her.”

Something constricted inside me. My brother in the front, my sister-in-law at the back! What village witch was turning this pot against me abeg?!

“OK,” I said to my brother, before hurrying back to the kitchen in time to hear my sister-in-law’s knock on the back door.

John Doe was still in the kitchen, looking petrified. I didn’t blame him; with my CIA-agent shenanigans, I must have conveyed to him the idea that I lived with very dangerous people. I could not even imagine what my brother and his wife would say if they discovered him. Granted, I hadn’t given them any reason to suspect me – but still…

I dragged John Doe into the pantry and quickly summarized the situation for him. He nodded his understanding. There was another knock on the back door.

“Open the door for her nau!” my brother hollered from the parlour.

Feeling my entire body going clammy with cold sweat, I rushed to the back door and opened it.

“Welcome,” I greeted with forced cheeriness.

But my sister-in-law had more pressing problems. She was instructing me to pick up her handbag and dried laundry from the floor where she’d dumped them as she hastened past me, her entire being laser-focused on her bladder and the urgent need to empty it inside the toilet. I watched her rush through the kitchen and make a beeline for the inner section of the house.

“Bring my bag o!” she called after her.

I gathered up her bag and clothes, and hurried after her, leaving the back door unlocked and pausing long enough to hiss an instruction to John Doe: “You can leave now.”

I returned to the kitchen a few moments later and checked the pantry. He was not there. A cursory glance outside confirmed that he was gone.

But then again, we are the ones that put ourselves in trouble. I’m sure nothing would have happened if you had left him in the parlor and your brother assuming he’s just a friend of yours (it helps that you said they don’t suspect you).
What fear can do shaa…