Sunday, October 2, 2011

When I say love, the sound comes out of my mouth and hits
the other persons ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain…
and through their memories of love, or lack of love , they register what I am
saying, and they say yes they understand. But how do I know they understand?
Because words are inert. They are just symbols. They are dead. You know? And so
much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be
expressed. It is unspeakable. And yet, when we communicate with one another and
we feel that we have connected… and we think that we’re understood… I think we have a feeling
of almost spiritual communion and that feeling might be transient. But I think
it’s what we live for. “

Straight Man –
the book

“Which is why we have spouses and children and parents and
colleagues and friends, because someone has to know us better than we know
ourselves. We need them to tell us. We need them to say, “ I know you, Al.
You’re not the kind of man who.””

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I do talk
English when I fight, or I am afraid of talking. Saying powerful things to someone I care for scares me and I suddenly start talking in English. During fight, even the dumbest, meaningless phrases in between, I speak in English. I do not
know exactly why? It is like a blanket, a kind of protection to say things in another language, I guess.
Like looking at things from another planet. And talk from another planet. I say
this, but this is not me who says this?! Then all of a sudden, my words are lighter. They don’t hit anyone. I am safe. He is safe. We are all in a safe zone. We
are fighting but nobody hurts! Nobody is hurt!

Today, I am tired. Today I am tired of trying. Today I am
tired of trying to understand.

Today I am broken, and tired of being broken. Broken inside.
Inside of many others…

Today I am tired. Tired of walking. Tired of fighting with my dreams. With my shadows, I listen.

Today I was thinking.I was thinking and fighting. Fighting my demons.

And, I am tired of fighting.

Today I am listening.

I am listening them. My demons, all right! They are as
confusing as they can be. I haven’t been listening them for quite some time.

I realized lately I haven’t been talking about myself much,
OR my shadows. Today, I am not going to talk about them either.

Instead, I quietly and secretly cried over my shadows on the way back from Rome to my new
home.

“It's a wonderful world
And you take and you give
And the sun fills the sky
In the space where you live

It's a day full of dreams
It's a dream of a day
And the joy that it brings
Nearly sweeps her away

It's a wonderful world
As the buildings fall down
And you quicken your step
‘til your feet leave the ground
And you're soaring above
All the sorrow below
And you're falling in love
With those you don't know
And your heart feels so wide
And your heart fills so strong
It was never a place
That you felt you belonged

It's a wonderful world
Full of wonderful things
And the people fall down
And abandon their dreams

(I hear him, he's talking out loud
Sometimes he whistles while walking
How could he know any better?
I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It's a wonderful world
It's a real crying shame
Cos she's hurting herself
In a violent way
And there's people she knows
That won't even try
And they're trapped in their lives
Feeling terrified
And it's in times like these
That she promised to call
But the scale of our love
Is diminished and small

It's a wonderful world
And she doesn't know why
She wakes up each day
And continues to cry

(He's sleeping his troubles away
He's finding it too hard to bear
I'm with him every step of the way
I weep for him, I weep for him now)

It's a wonderful world
And you take and you give
And the sun fills the sky
In the space where you live.”