amongst books

Sunday, December 18, 2011

a small note on faith & scepticism

as a writer of obscure poetry & creator of even more obscure visual poetry, it is in my nature to be sceptical. what I do is not part of the mainstream & doesn't fit in with societal convention about what I should be doing.

I question everything & can understand & relate to other's scepticism about religion & metaphysics. I am not a joiner, don't belong to any groups unless I am leading them or working with those with sympatico minds & values. as part of my vocation as a writer, I test & I push limits. & I can't abide any evidence of group mentality, such as is found too commonly via social media, alas.

however, as a creative person I also dwell in the land of metaphor & symbol. I can stretch my own imagination beyond the literal into the realm of mystery & the unknown.

I don't know what I believe in but I have faith. somehow the world moves forward. I recognize that it is a fucked up place, that we humans are responsible for the worst kinds of crimes against humanity, creatures & the earth. is there some greater force at work? I am not sure. empirically I can't prove it & yet I have faith.

while I was undergoing my health crisis, doctors told my husband that I would die. that was certain. I am still both incredibly grateful that I survived but also unnerved by how close I came. the delusions I experienced in the intensive care unit were excruciating & unbearable. I moved from one into another with a fucked up sense of time & location. & I moved from these nightmares into periods of blankness. frankly, these were what scared me the most…the oblivion. I believe that these moments were when I was closest to death. if I had died, the world would have moved on without me. while that is a sad thought, it is as it should be.

regardless of all the horror & mess of the world, it moves on. it will move on in some form long after we are all dust. I have faith.

as a final thought, I'll leave you with this story I heard many years ago:a man sits in a bar and says to the bartender, "I know there's no god." the bartender says, "why do you say that?" the man explains that he was travelling up north when his car broke down. he stood in the cold & prayed to god to save him, but it didn't happen. the bartender asks, "how did you end up here?" the man says, "some guy came along on a skidoo & rescued me."