Yesterday, the interweb was abuzz with news of a hilarious new celebrity feud: George Lopez vs. Sherriff Joe Arpaio. In case you didn’t catch it, here’s what went down: last Saturday, HBO aired George Lopez’s newest standup special “It’s Not Me, It’s You,” in which he had these words for the Maricopa County Sheriff:

Sheriff Joe, in turn, relayed a message to George via ABC15 in Arizona: “Get some guts, come down here and meet me face to face. Let’s see how you act then.”

SHOTS. FIRED.

Then, just in case anyone was unaware that Joe is 80 years old, he decided to alert everyone to that fact by issuing the following threat: “I”ll be happy to take [Lopez] to a Mexican lunch.”

TELL ME MORE JOE. The world needs to know about this lunch. Will it be Tamales of Torment? Picadillo of Persecution? I personally vote for Fisticuff Flautas, OBVIO.

Anyway, upon hearing this news, my immediate reaction was to pray for the resurrection of Fox’s “Celebrity Boxing” and start taking bets on who would win this fight. It proved more challenging than I initially thought – while George seems like the obvious choice (by virtue of being 30 years younger), Sherriff Joe has the crazy birther rage factor. In order to make an informed decision, I had only one choice: create a Tale of the Tape.

So there you have it folks. I hate to say this, but I think Arpaio’s impressive list of former adversaries, ability to repeatedly incarcerate DMX, and complete insanity puts him in the lead for winner of this fight. Assuming he doesn’t have his hands tied up with the civil lawsuit a group of Latinos filed against him for racial profiling AND the lawsuit the Department of Justice has filed too….