Menu

Music

They say that life is always easier, after you let yourself come undone. They say they’ll give you all that you want, and I’ll be waiting in the shadow of the sun. Seizing time no one has been before, close the curtains what are you waiting for? And I’ll be keeping secrets till I’m in the ground.

Changing colors makes you waste away, just paint your eyes with a vivid mind. Now you see what’s behind the lights, And I’ll be waiting in the shadow of the sun.

Finding treasures that has been on demise, building mountains in disguise, and I’ll be keeping secrets till I’m in the ground.

I’m in the shadow of the shadow of the sun, where I belong there’s something coming on. I’m in the shadow of the shadow of the sun, oh and I need you.

I’m in the shadow of the shadow of the sun, where I belong, there’s something coming on. No more waiting, times are changing, and there’s something coming on.

I wasn’t going to post this one. Sort of for myself. But I thought, why would I make a post private when I never have before? Honesty is what I’m here for.

Dear Lara From One Year Minus Three Days Ago,

I know you can’t breathe right now, but you’re going to be okay.

Today was one of the toughest days of your life thus far. Top Ten for sure. You did what millions of other people do every hour of every day. You felt what it was like to love someone for a long time-not like mom and dad, mind you-and then have them not love you back anymore. Hurts, huh? Remember when all of your friends went through that and you’d just shrug it off like, “What’s their problem?” Well, in hindsight, I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy. But after all, hindsight is always 20/20.

I’m here to tell you there’s a silver lining in the not-so-distant future. I know you already have an inkling, but I want you to be certain, because it’s there and you’re going for it.

You spent 3 and a half years in a fantasy world. A great one, but an illusion nonetheless. Yes you loved him, Lara. You loved him with everything you had in your gigantic, warm heart. Come on. I mean, who pathetically cries tears of happiness after an orgasm? That’s love, girl. Probably a little weird too, but hey, you’ve always been a bit strange.

Where you went wrong was believing this would last forever. You always knew it wouldn’t, but love can make a person so fucking blind that their amazing gift of intuition can be hidden as if it never existed.

I’m sure he truly loved you too. You could see it in the way he would look at you-especially when you weren’t paying attention. Remember how your friends would joke about his gaze toward you? It was love. Just not unconditional. You can’t hate him for that. And like I said, you always knew that.

In the next year you’re going to go on QUITE a ride. The first few months will be an absolutely alcohol induced, fuzzy time in your life. But hey, it’s summer. You’re totally allowed to go all out.

Get drunk. Make out with tons of guys. Put that breakup CD on repeat and drive to fucking nowhere while you cry your eyes out. That’s fine. You have to cry. And TRUST ME. Girl, you are going to be crying a lot.

You’re already steady love for your friends is going to grow in tremendous proportions. Taco is going to stick to your side like glue. Him and K be there every weekend to dance the heartbreak off and to give that weirdo that you’re drunkenly talking to an evil eye that means “STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HER.” Heath and Matt are going to take you under their wing and let you stay with them in PA whenever you need to. That will be a blast. Be careful with the assault rifles, though-“woman scorned” isn’t your strong suit. You’ll reconnect with old friends you haven’t spoken to in a while and even make some new ones. Isn’t that the best thing about break-ups? The free time keeps on rolling. Though, I must say, I’m proud of you for always making time for your friends even in a relationship because that is why they are so understanding and more than willing to help you through this tough time. Don’t ever change that aspect of your personality.

I’m sure today you would never think you could ever date someone else, but you can. And you will.

He will be just as kind, if not kinder. He will be smart, funny, and driven. He will have life plans that don’t consist of playing in a mediocre band for peanuts the rest of his life. He’ll want to watch science shows with you and talk about religion and politics and all of the things that you never got to do with anyone else. He’ll wake up in the middle of the night just to kiss you. He’ll let you sleep on his chest when you don’t feel well and make you soup after all 1,000 of your stupid gum surgeries. And you won’t stop smiling throughout fall and winter. It’s still new, but he’s cool. I promise. You’d never date a shitty dude this long. Truuuuust.

Most importantly, you will get your life back. I’m not talkin’ the post-break-up life. I’m talking about the PRE RELATIONSHIP LIFE. The life before you fell into that illusionistic love. Not all love is an illusion, but from the moment you met your ex, you disappeared. And you will realize that throughout the course of the next year.

Real relationships do not form when two halves come together to make a whole. They consist of two individuals who want to remain individuals but be together simultaneously. They don’t complete each other, but compliment each other. And you certainly have become complete again since losing that half of yourself that you gave to someone else years ago. You’ll never do that again.

There you have it. Never fear, Lara, dear! You’re going to be more than alright. You’re going to be better than you ever have. Because you will find what you loved most in this world-yourself.

So get ready to cry. And laugh. And scream. And every other emotion that exists in this dimension. Because you are going to experience it all. But in a year from now, you are going to be one happy lady, and because of nobody but yourself.

Keep your head up kid,

You.

P.S. You’re totally going to be named Employee of the Month tomorrow morning. I know, I know. When you walk in crying your eyes out and dead from not sleeping, and your co-workers come out and yell SURPRISE! Don’t worry. They’ll understand. HAHA!

Don’t stop, no, I’ll never give up And I’ll never look back, just hold your head up And if it gets rough, it’s time to get rough

Nothing got me feeling more like a high school kid than my boss texting me about our office being closed. I spent the day doing various healthy activities: Persian Zumba (Holy Calorie Burn, Batman!), steaming vegetables, pastel drawings with my little nugget niece, etc. It was a great day despite a slight case of cabin fever that I cured with my Taco and some singing bowl meditation. Day 14: I kicked your ass.

I wanted to take today’s happiness post as a chance to do a shout out to all of you. My internet homies. You lovely, amazingly beautiful honest creatures whom I have had the pleasure of getting to know over the past several months.

Words cannot describe how I feel when I see these complete strangers have added me to their follow list. It’s a plethora of emotions, let me tell you. I get all excited that someone else gives at least one single shit about what I write. But then as I see all the numbers add up, I get anxious about how I’m going to continue.

How many times can one write about the experience of pain?

Who wants to actually read about the 100 reasons why I’m happy?

I don’t think I’ve been getting drunk enough lately.

The days where I feel this anxiety are the days I fall silent on my little blog. I can’t write when I’m freaking out about what to write. It makes it less fun and less therapeutic.

The same happens when I’m singing. I can be in the total groove of things and record tons of songs, but once I start to lose my mojo and I screw up for no reason, I get frustrated and just stop altogether. It’s even worse with singing. I’ve sung the same songs for years now and I’m still unsatisfied. That’s life I suppose.

But for today, scratch all that.

I just want to acknowledge all the wonderful people who come and visit my crazy, word babbling, all-over-the-place blog. Thank you for sticking with me through my ADD writing and through the happy times, as well as the pain.

Especially the pain.

I think with every single feeling and emotion, pain is the one that brings humans together the most. I know I do it with other blogs. When you read a post where that person is sharing their tears with you. Their fears with you. Their inner most demons. You get that empathy flowing and you just want to run all the way to the other side of the planet and cry with them.

That’s human love right there, folks. That’s what togetherness is all about.

And as much as flipping through the news makes you feel like it’s gone, it isn’t.

WordPress is one of those places where this phenomenon, this global consciousness takes place. And that’s one of the reasons why I love it so much. It’s one of the reasons why I love all of you so much. You’ve shown me that people are still beautiful.

I hope I’ve lived up to my blog for you. I hope it’s a place where you can come to laugh, maybe cry a little, feel sort of uncomfortable, and get inspired all at the same time.

Life is a beautiful web that holds together all of the bits of your existence to make one entire masterpiece. You’re never done spinning. You’re never done dreaming. And you’re never done painting. Be life’s artist with me and create something so magnificent, that you will always remember how time is of the essence.

Taco (Yes, that’s my best friend’s nickname):I have a feeling 2013 is going to be big, Lara. HUGE even. It’s going to make or break us.

That was my best friend’s premonition of 2013. He was right on his own behalf, but he had no idea how right he was going to be about my upcoming year.

The first minute of the New Year was spent kissing my then boyfriend while Bad Rabbits played live to the rest of the crowd.

He had been feeling really off (probably because subconsciously he was preparing to dump me) and so to make him smile, I surprised him with New Years Eve Bad Rabbits concert tickets that I brought him and his very best friends to.

In that very moment at midnight, I was so happy. I would be moving in with him that coming fall and we would live happily ever after.

If you’ve been following at all, you know that’s just not how it went for me.

Although March was filled with many tears, sleepless nights, alcoholic tendencies, and eating every single fattening food you could imagine, it stopped there. I allowed myself 1 month of depression. Just one month to halt all the things I loved to do: Cooking, reading, working out, drawing, etc. And then I promised myself that I’d get back to my old self, and I wouldn’t dwell on such a common issue in every person’s life.

The end of the month was closely approaching and I still couldn’t stop crying. I hid it from my family because I know they were sick of seeing me that way. But they were still my family. They knew behind those dry eyes, I carried sadness and grief.

I remember coming home from work one day and my dad was the first to greet me as I walked through the door.

Hey Lara. How was your day?

Coldly. Fine. I have to go feed the cat.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed the cat food. I made my way down to our basement and at the bottom of the stairs I fell to my knees, cupped my face in my hands and began sobbing. It was such a random cry. Even I wasn’t expecting it.

After about a minute, I felt someone’s presence in front of me. It was my dad. He knelt down in front of me and just looked at me with pain in his eyes.

Lara, you need to stop. It’s been almost a month. I can see it in your eyes. You’re not fooling anyone-I see the look on your face day in and day out. You can’t move on if you’re still lingering. Life doesn’t make the moves for you. You have to.

I don’t remember what I said after that since nothing I said that entire month made sense.

But on that day

In that basement

With my dad knelt down in front of me

I finally began moving on.

I stopped eating like a filthy animal and got back on track. I started working out again (even though I loathed every minute of it for a few weeks). I began cooking again. Seeing my friends. Just getting back into the groove of things.

I honestly became better than I was before.

It’s easy to lose yourself when you’re in a relationship. Every decision you make revolves around the other person. You’re no longer doing things for yourself.

I got consumed in that. My love for another took over everything I wanted to do and instead of making my own decisions, I based every next move on whatever one he made first.

I realized how unhealthy that was. I started to do things I would have never done.

The most meaningful hobby I took up was art. I took a class in college and loved it so I continued a little bit after graduation. I stopped for a while, but got the urge again, so one day I ordered a bunch of art supplies on Amazon.

They were delivered the evening after my break-up.

Along with The Road Less Traveled. So eerie. I think I subconsciously knew I would need those items in the not so distant future.

In the summer, I enrolled in school. I hadn’t been in school for 3 years. That was HUGE.

I spent every moment of the summer doing something-whether it was going to the beach, dancing, some sort of event. I had the time of my life.

I even started dating again. And we ALL know my adventures with that!

And here I am.

2 more weeks left of the year.

I’m glad to say goodbye to 2013, but not because I think it was a shitty year. It was actually quite the opposite.

I’ve grown exponentially this past year.

I’m not as scared to try new things or to put myself out there.

My friendships are stronger.

I’m closer with my family.

And most importantly, I’m closer with myself. I have never been so happy being who I am in my entire existence. And I know that no matter what happens in life, I will ALWAYS have myself and that’s enough for a lifetime.

I have NO idea what the future holds for me and The Drummer. He makes me happy. And I like him. A lot. It sort of scares me sometimes, but for the most part it just makes me smile. I don’t take us too seriously right now because we’re just having so much fun and that’s how I want it to stay. But no matter what happens, at least I know that I’m able to have feelings for someone else again. And I’ll be able to do that after him, and whoever comes after him, and beyond (if it makes it that far).

***

I know Firework is one of those songs that got abused on the radio, but it holds so much meaning to me so that’s the song I’m going to end of this year with. The first time my ex and I broke up (which was WAY worse than this time because I was younger), I was driving to school one day and I was crying. I’d never heard this song and it came on the radio. To this day, whenever I hear it I get goose bumps.

Here’s to 2014. To new beginnings. To happiness.

To each and every one of you who has had to overcome a hurdle you were not prepared to jump over. It’s time to start fresh.

I know Taco said 2013 was going to be big, but I honestly have a HUGE feeling like 2014 is going to kick some serious ass. We’ll just have to wait and see.

I have a slight obsession with Two Door Cinema Club. They came to Boston in October and by the time I tried to get tickets, they were sold out for ALL THREE DAYS. Lame. I’ll see you soon, boys.

Date #3 with The Drummer tonight. I guess it really isn’t a date, per say, but I’m going up to the school he works at to hang with him and his co-workers. All of the students go home for Thanksgiving break today, so the staff gets together and celebrates the night they leave. Shit, I would too if I couldn’t get drunk on campus all semester long.

Kind of nervous to meet all his co-workers and friends. I know I’ll be fine because I’m really sociable, but it’s the whole drinking thing that gets me. Sometimes when I drink, I can be a little too “Lara” and I’m not ready to show his inner circle that, especially with first impressions. But dammit, he bought me fancy whiskey so I have to create some guidelines for my behavior.

So tonight, Lara:

No drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.

No rapping ANYTHING from The Slim Shady LP, unless requested without mentioning.

I think if I adhere to this simple rules, I’ll be okay. I don’t want to drink that much anyways because I’m really counting on driving home. Trying to keep up with this “dating and waiting” ordeal. I have faith. I think.