Born in Sài Gòn, Việt Nam in 1970, now living in the US as a claimed and renamed TRA

Conclusion

To this day, us first generation transracial adoptees from Korea and Vietnam are generally referred to as ‘war orphans’ in the media and by people we encounter on a daily basis, as if it is a self-applied term of endearment. The main assumption is that we were rescued from a tragic past and handed a hopeful future. The public was reassured that we were not going to look back and puzzle together the facts behind our orphan status.

Yet, this is exactly what we are doing. And at every turn, we are admonished for daring to not only question the historical interpretations of the Korean and Vietnam Wars, but also other people’s motives and methods for transporting us out of our birth countries. Americans acknowledge these wars without taking any responsibility for the unintended consequences. They ask us, “Where would we be without them?”

In response, we ask one searing question that few people are willing, or even prepared, to answer: Who made us orphans in the first place? In order for us to have gained our second parents, we had to lose our first parents.

Yes, people can say that we were saved. But, we’ll be damned if we let them have the last word.

6 Responses

When so many American people were against the war in Vietnam how can you so readily condemn an entire nation/society/culture?

I am a white middle-America adoptive parent of two Chinese children. I have been following this blog hoping to learn something about how to help our family deal with the family and culture losses associated with international adoption.

I am deeply sorry for your loss of first parents and birth culture. What I want to know is how we can do better with the next generation of transcultural adoptees? There is no way to deny the losses but is there some better way of acknowledging them and honoring the birth culture?

I actually grew up White & middle-class in western NY. I know all about the blue collar work ethic and the social code of doing right by others…I’m also keenly aware of how insular and self-involved that lifestyle and socio-economic class can be.

The word “condemn” is a pretty strong word and I don’t think it fits the tone or goal of our project. But, that’s just my opinion of your opinion.

As far as thinking you can “help” your two adopted kids from China “deal” with their losses of familial and cultural origins, implies that there is a quick fix, a magic bullet, if you will. As Sumeia has written many times previously, there are no cookie-cutter, easy-bake solutions for raising an adopted child.

The only a piece of advice I can reasonably think of that you should keep in mind is this: Listen to your children, empathize with them, and be there for them…but, realize that you will always be raising somebody else’s children. And, you will never be able to fix that.

Kev – Please know that I recognize I’ll never have all the answers for my children and that “dealing” will be a life-long process for all of us. I understand there is no quick fix/magic bullet. What I’m seeking is advice on content for these conversations. I’m trying to be sensitive to the issues of loss for all of us. My hope is that by talking early and often about these issues we’ll have some degree of comfort in addressing the issues. My oldest child is 3.5 years old. Last year she accompanied me on our trip to China to adopt little brother. She is just beginning to grasp the concept that she was also in China and had two other families in her life before joining our family (birth + foster). Right now, I’m trying to maintain a matter-of-fact tone as we explore the details. I’m trying not to cloud her self-assessment of her history with an overly rosy nor overly gloomy description. As she begins to understand the facts, we’ll explore the emotions. I’m sure I’ll make (am making?) mistakes. My fervent desire is to do the right thing overall.

윤선 – I definitely do not feel that we “saved” our children from anything. They saved us from a life without children. Perhaps that was selfish of us. Hopefully, we are providing our children some benefit in return but I don’t assume that is true. May I ask – did your family make you feel you were “saved” or did that come from outside your immediate family? I’m looking for advice on ways to avoid making my children feel that way.

Pam: My parents didn’t make me feel as though I should be grateful. It’s mainly been outside influences. You seem very concerned about how to bring up your own children. I have plenty of things I could say to you, so if you ever want to talk or anything, please feel free to contact me. My details are on my own blog. ^_^