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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said:
- Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary:
- I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.
She said:
- Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?
John said:
- Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.
- Oh, that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said:
- John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.
She said:
- Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going
Nu stiu ce-nseamna, da'mi place cum suna.

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush....
[img]smileys/smiley36.gif[/img]

When the going gets tough, the tough get going
Nu stiu ce-nseamna, da'mi place cum suna.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame. What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. [img]smileys/smiley36.gif[/img]

When the going gets tough, the tough get going
Nu stiu ce-nseamna, da'mi place cum suna.

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
.................................................. .......... ................................

Dating in different cultures
&gt;
&gt; WHITE WOMEN:
&gt; First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
&gt; Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
&gt; Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
&gt;
&gt; IRISH WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
&gt; Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
&gt; 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
&gt;
&gt; ITALIAN WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
&gt; Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti
&gt; &amp;meatballs.
&gt; Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you &amp; insists on a 3-carat
&gt; ring.
&gt; 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together &amp; hate the thought of
&gt; having sex.
&gt; 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
&gt;
&gt; JEWISH WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: You get terrific head.
&gt; Second Date: You get even more great head.
&gt; Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
&gt;
&gt; CHINESE WOMEN:
&gt; First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
&gt; Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
&gt; happens
&gt; again.
&gt; Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already
&gt; realized nothing is ever going to happen.
&gt;
&gt; INDIAN WOMEN:
&gt; First date: Meet her parents.
&gt; Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
&gt; Third date: Wedding night.
&gt;
&gt;
&gt; BLACK WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
&gt; Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
&gt; dinner.
&gt; Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
&gt; Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
&gt;
&gt; MEXICAN WOMEN:
&gt;
&gt; First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila,and
&gt; have sex in the back of her car.
&gt; Second Date: She's pregnant.
&gt;
&gt; Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his
&gt; girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
&gt; grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her
&gt; sister's
&gt; boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for
&gt; the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks
&gt; like a home along the Tijuana strip.
&gt;
&gt;
&gt; ARAB WOMEN:
&gt; First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
&gt; Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
&gt; Second Date: Guy is shot dead.
&gt; No third date.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 90-year-old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning'.
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearing 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear', replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong'.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along'.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going
Nu stiu ce-nseamna, da'mi place cum suna.

The priest in a small village was very found of the rooster and 10 hens he kept out the back of the parish house. One Saturday night, the rooster went missing and the priest suspected it had been stolen .The next day at the morning mass he asks the congregation
“has anybody got a cock?”. All the men stood up.
“No” the priest said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No” he said with a hint of annoyance. “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up
“No!” he said angrily.”That wasn’t what I meant either…. Has anybody seen my cock?”
All the choirboys stood up

Retirement Plan

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$44.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund,
you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment
advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

The lawyer and the duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot anddropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of afence.As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on histractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and nowI'm going to retrieve it.'The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming overhere.'The indignant lawyer said, 'I am on e of the best trial attorneys in theUnited States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you andtake everything you own.'The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settledisputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three KickRule.''The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get togo first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and soon back and forth until someone gives up.'The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided thathe could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the localcustom.The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to theattorney.His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into thelawyer's groin! and dropped him to his knees.His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing fromhis mouth.The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and manag ed to get to his feet.Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart.Now it's my turn.'(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

loving wife

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said , 'Martha, soon we will be married 50 years and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'

Martha replied, 'Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, 'I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''

Martha said, The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?'
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?'

Martha asked, And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'
'I recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.'

'All right,' Martha said. 'So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 34 more votes?'

When the going gets tough, the tough get going
Nu stiu ce-nseamna, da'mi place cum suna.

Dr. Chang & Ed Zachary Disease

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. ' The woman did a s she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'