Thursday, November 17, 2011

~~~UPDATED @ 0800hrs~~~This is so weird. It's almost 4 hours since I awoke. Suddenly, I had a rather blurry image that Char did visit me in my dreams last night. Yet, I can't seem to rem anything. Except that at some stage, I thought curiously in my dream "Hmm, why isn't the tumor in her mouth affecting her eating? She is eating very well" I also rem trying to look clearly at her face seeing if her tumor is still there but her image is a blur... My memory of that entire dream is a blur too... 30 days ago, this time was the last morning I woke up to you laying besides me...

~~~@0400hrs~~~Awake at 4am now and suddenly missing you, my baby girl. Tears started gushing out and the ache in my heart is so sharp... I love you Char Char. Although mama is crying and aching to hug you so badly... I have no regrets that I will have to live the rest of my life with my tears in my eyes and a huge void in my heart... Because I wouldn't have it any other way... I would still choose to be loved by you and to lose you rather then live a happy life never having you at all...

Of course I would have preferred to have you in my entire life. In all my lifetimes... But if I'm not worthy of your love for a single complete lifetime, even a fleeting moment like what we shared is something I am forever grateful for...

After my divorce, I am afraid. Afraid to experience loss. Mama always look strong to people... But the truth is I don't think I will dare to take my heart out and offer it willingly to another human being and trust that while he holds the knife to cut my heart into a million pieces, he wouldnt.

Honey, you have actually not only brought mama so much love and so much happiness... You have also, through your suffering helped me to understand that life is not about eternity... Love is... As adaptable as humans can be, I prefer consistency over change. I need you. I need Jase. I need my family and friends to remain one of the many constants in my life... I want to know that everyone I love will be in my life forever...

You taught me otherwise. People can say all the politically correct words "Char is always with you", "Char is watching over you even though you can't see her" but the practical truth is I HAVE LOST YOU FOREVER and nothing can change that fact. I will never get to hug you, never get to tell you that I love you, never hear your voice again, never see you again... We fought so hard for each other... Because I simply couldn't bear the thought of losing you forever...

But sweetheart, you left me an eternal gift. An eternal gift of love. A love that would have me shed a million tears, a love that far surpasses the physical existence of your being, a love that truly will carry me to my deathbed... Even when you are not physically here to love me anymore... For the first time, I realize that I am actually capable of a love like that... Suddenly, I feel rich. Living in the knowledge that I have your love with me forever does alter the assumption that I always had of myself - that I am only capable of a physical and material existence of any relationship. Clearly, I was very immature. All those bullshit are true. :-) We can actually love a person till death even when we will never get to physically see them. Oh, especially that classic bullshit that, "To love someone, you have to let go".

While I have been slowly and painfully "forced" into a position that I had to willingly and openly plead with Heavens to take you away... I am still one very sore mom. Whoever is the universal creator up there most certainly didn't fight a fair match with mommy! (Yup, I'm certainly intermittently alternating between depression and anger in this grieving process!) Or, was it as good a deal as anyone could have gotten because I did get a chance to tell you I love you...

Holy crap. How can I actually feel gratitude towards THAT so-called better place Heavens when it was cleary the HEAVENS that has STOLEN you away from me? You didn't deserve any of the suffering! Yes, yes yes... Everyone experiences loss in their life at some stage and I am no exception. Yes yes yes, there are many countless families losing an innocent child daily around the world... I am not the only grieving mom on this whole wide earth. I know it. I see and hear it daily. All these other kids are kids that I've lived with, kids that I've heard their joyous laughters, their infectious smiles, their determination to fight against all odds even when the odds were zero...

KIDS who WANT to LIVE.

The thing about cancer is that it not only steals a very precious beloved someone from you, it goes beyond giving you eternal lasting pain from a precious undeserving loss, BUT CANCER cunningly imposes every god-damn bullshit it wants into your mind whether you like it or not. And not only does it gives you absolutely NO CHANCE to say NO, it actually goes to the extent of making you willingly buy into its bullshit. Hence, you have not only lost. You pretty much lost in the most 'degrading' way if its even a fight to begin with.

At the beginning of our journey, I was adamant that I will NOT be a loser and 'give' Char up willingly. Although as a mom, I somehow knew that we always would know when we should stop in all matters. It's like a gift all mothers are endowed with, when they become one. The bond that we share physically in that 9 months somehow converts into a telepathic bond no words can explain.

Nevertheless, that mind game that cancer plays with you is totally out of line if there were rules to begin with. I have not once, not twice but up till that very last moment, when I felt that I was quite literally "eating up my own words", so to speak... Everything that I refuses to 'give in' to cancer, I had. And finally, I even to give up my child for the release of her pain and suffering.

Hello cancer, if you are reading this somewhere. Please know that I HATE YOU. Absolutely detest you. You are not only a coward, you don't even dare to fight fair! You think you are having the final laugh now that everything I hated, you had somehow made me do it willingly... To the extent of begging for that so-called better place Heavens to take my child away from me. Laugh as much as you can, because it won't be very long that you will disappear entirely on this earth! And in the very immediate short-run, someone will give us the power to NEVER FEAR you at all! Have you heard of your friend called 'FLU'? We have ripped all his prowes from it and now it fears Vitamin C!!! Just you wait and see, CANCER, you will PAY and live in fear of us humans somedays! CANCER, you will be go down in history as one of those solved mysteries! And then you will be forgotten forever!

BUT OUR KIDS WILL NEVER EVER BE FORGOTTEN. Their love, their smiles, their spirits will continue to live on, for as long as there's humans on earth. You one ugly looking beast! DAMN YOU CANCER! Go burn in hell!

Woah, from crying non stop to cursing cancer, I feel ready to start my day! Time to wake Jase up for school!

Hi, I believe that I will never be able to understand the pain and loss that you are going through. But with all these love that you have, and still growing, have you ever thought of adopting a little girl?

I am not suggesting that she will "replace" Char, but at the very least, an "abandoned" child will be able to be embraced in your love and care.

Take care, you are a very strong mom. Believe that, okay. Things might never be okay, or the same again, but life goes on, and your little boy needs you. (:

Dear Cynthia,I am sorry for your loss. Your pain is clearly very profound & personal, and there are no words that I could say that would be in any way adequate.

Just know that I - like many others - have been touched by Charmaine's story. Please let us know if there is something specific you would like us to do to honour Charmaine, whether it is a donation to a specific organisation, or giving blood etc.

Hi Cyn, i just wanna share with you that i dreamt of lil' char last nite. It actually have two parts, i know it sounded irony since i have never seen her until the wake. The 1st part i rmr that i was walking along a green pasture with lil yellow flowers growing. It was windy and the smell of freshness juz filled the air. Its a beautiful place! Then i saw a white house and that's it, i woke up with a smile. A few days later, i dreamt that i was in that house. Then i saw a box. I opened up the box and i saw a lil ger inside and she stepped out of the box and smiled ever so sweetly. I rmr seeing white cabinets where there are some clothing neatly folded. Then the lil ger sat by the window and seems to be waiting for someone. I rmr asking her who is she waiting for and she replied 'I am waiting for Mummy'. Then i ask her where is mummy? She went out? The lil ger just smiled at me without replying. Then she started to do some drawings. Then i woke up again. I rmr her face so clearly esp that sweet smile but i was quite sure i don't know her and i don't know why i dreamt of her. I always have weird dreams but never seems to rmr much, not to mention about faces. But i rmr this so clearly and i too, was puzzled. Then as usually when i logged onto this blog and then i realised, it was lil Char that i saw in my dreams!!!

I was hesitant to share this becos i don't know how you will react. But i feel uneasy the whole day so i decided to type tis. I don't know if i should say this, but do pardon me if you feel offended. I know you don't believe in Heavens but i believe lil Char is in Heavens now and everyday she is looking out from that window and watching over you.