Notting Hell by Rachel Johnson

Monday 28 August 2006 06.20 EDT
First published on Monday 28 August 2006 06.20 EDT

Clare: I've just seen the soignée Virginie Lacoste in the communal gardens of my £3m mansion in Lonsdale Gardens, after leaving the Avery house at 5am. Quelle scandale. My dear friend Mimi will love this.

Mimi: It's so difficult to be a Notting Hill Mummy when your husband has only inherited his £1.5m house and we're so much poorer than everyone else.

Clare: I want a baby so I can be a Yummy Mummy. I'm sooo looking forward to seeing the billionaire Si Kasparian at the Dodd Nobles' party.

Mimi: Predictably I've got three children called Casimir, Mirabel and Pretentious. How Ralph and I struggle to pay the school fees. I met Si tonight. SWOON. I've never been unfaithful before but I think I might now.

Clare: It was charming to see the Curtises - or should I say Freuds!! - and the Camerons, but I'm outraged that the Averys are building a garage.

Mimi: I pretend to poke fun at all the people I name-drop but actually this book is an homage to them. Just don't let anyone in on the secret! The Mail on Sunday phoned to ask me to profile Si. He took me out to lunch and then he, just, well, took me. How divine, but how guilty I feel. But - sob - he hasn't even called me since.

Clare: Someone else you won't care about is having an affair. Gosh! And now I've discovered the Averys are planning to use their garage as an extension. I'm going to threaten to expose his affair with Virginie.

Mimi: As I've got no money at all, I've just been shopping at Lidgates before going to Cornwall for six weeks. I do wish Si would call.

Clare: Bob Avery just laughed when I told him I knew about Virginie, but at least I told Woody Allen he couldn't film in the gardens. Guess what, Anouska, the gorgeous teacher from Ponsonby prep, has been seen with Si! Don't tell anyone this, because it would spoil what little plot there is, but Ralph and I have hatched two secret plans together.

Mimi: A supermodel saw me in my tracksuit bottoms and I'm now just over nine stone. How can I ever face the world again?

Clare: The couple you don't care about are back together. Ah! I've also to put up a trellis to block out the Averys' view of the gardens. That'll show them. Mimi mustn't find out about my and Ralph's plans.

Mimi: I overheard Virginie talking in a cod-French accent in Myla, saying, "Zees lingerie ees for my girlfriend." She's having an affair with Bob's wife!

Clare: Hooooooray, I'm pregnant, thanks to Ralph and the turkey baster. Mimi must never find out.

Mimi: My life is at an end. Si is getting married to Anouska and Ralph has found out about my affair. He's punished me by selling our house to Clare for more than £2m and we're moving to Dorset.

Clare: Phew! Mimi still hasn't found out about me and Ralph.

Mimi: Dorset isn't so bad after all, even if you can't go shopping, and I never felt really at home with all those multi-millionaires. If this was a Richard Curtis film this would be the closing scene where he panned back from the Square. But it's not. It's even worse.