Scott's Journal

For about three years now, Greg, Billy, and I have had a protracted debate about whether or not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze is a watchable movie. On the one hand, Greg and Billy believe it’s great, and on the other hand are the people who have taste.I’m not immune to this either. In my top ten movies—of all time, mind you—is an absolutely terrible movie from 2002 called The New Guy about a young, still-hopeful DJ Qualls trying to bang Eliza Dushku. The movie is best known for having a shitload of cameos in it and perhaps being the most “early 2000s” thing you’ve ever seen. It currently holds a respectable 7% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

I finally watched Wrestle Kingdom XI, AKA the Japanese WrestleMania. So, I want to take a second to talk about Kazuchika Okada versus Kenny Omega since we likely won’t get the chance to talk about it on the Title Hunt podcast. It has a lot of cultural implications that really could affect the way that stories are told in the ring. To explain what I mean, I briefly need to talk about a man named Dave Meltzer.

Dave Meltzer runs the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, which has been in the business of reviewing and analyzing wrestling for something like thirty five years. To casual fans he’s probably most recognizable because he’s given almost every wrestling match since the 80s a star rating out of five. The ratings are entirely subjective, but in wrestling communities around the world many people take what he says as a sort of gospel. In 34 years, Dave has given out eighty or so five star match ratings—that might sound like a lot, but remember that this man has rated several thousand matches over the course of his career. Matches that receive a five-star rating typically only come once or twice a year, and occasionally there will be a drought where no matches meet his criteria for a whole year.Okada v. Omega was a six star match.

So the Oscars are behind us, and without getting into it properly they were, shall we say divisive. For example, some people believe that La La Land should have swept every category it was in, and other people are wrong.People are upset over the Best Picture flub and are blaming Warren Beatty, while other people have pointed out that it was very likely the fault of a backstage accountant. Other people are upset that Casey Affleck won Best Actor despite allegedly being a danger to the women he works with. I saw at least one person upset that Lin-Manuel Miranda missed out on his chance at the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony), and if you honestly believe that Zootopia was better than Kubo and the Two Strings I will fight you.

Internet, I’m going to level with you: In the last two weeks I’ve watched a ton of good movies. I saw John Wick Chapter 2, I saw Green Room, which is an excellent indie horror film on Netflix, and I saw The Great Wall, which at the very least was gorgeous.I also saw the Fifty Shades sequel.You ever find yourself saying something dumb like, “I would only do that if you paid me”? It turns out that Greg was prepared to pay me. Low Five comped my ticket and popcorn, and at that point I felt obligated because, y’know, it’s my job. I write for you people. I suffer for you people.Speaking of masochism…

Alright, I haven’t written on video games in a while, so we’re going to do that for a change. Today I want to talk about a phenomenon that’s invaded video games, Hollywood, media in general, really. I’m talking about the concept of a tentpole franchise—that is to say, the tendency to prioritize sequels over new intellectual property.First, let me start by saying that I understand the mindset: New IP is a gamble 100% of the time. Even if something is exactly the same as another successful video game, there’s no guarantee that fans will latch onto your version in the same way that they’ve latched onto the original. Look at how many games started using chest-high cover mechanics in the wake of Gears of War. Look at how many games still to this day use regenerating health in the wake of the first Halo. But I digress.

With Sunday’s Royal Rumble event now well and truly behind us, it’s time to start looking forwards. Sure, we could dwell on the fact that Randy Orton winning the Royal Rumble is a tired and boring approach to the next four months, but instead of that I’d rather think about the implications for the future. So, bearing that in mind, let’s take an opportunity to think about some scenarios that might happen going forward towards The Showcase of the Immortals.

Oh no.Oh no.Dear readers, I haven’t quite told you the whole story of the movie marathon my girlfriend and I had back in December. See, it’s true that we agreed to sit down and watch all five Twilight films at once, but the initial plan was to drink our way through them so that by the end we would be reduced to sad, broken, pathetic shells of our former selves. We were going to film it, and it was going to go up on Low Five’s website as a YouTube series rather than these articles.Of course, no erosion of the human spirit could possibly be complete without a viewing of Fifty Shades of Grey.“It started off as Twilight fanfiction,” we reasoned, “And it’s supposed to be pretty bad. We’re kind of obligated to include it. It’ll be funny.”Oh past Scott, you sweet summer child.Before we get into this review proper, let’s make one thing abundantly clear: Fifty Shades of Grey is, by a fair margin, the worst film I have ever seen. It is an active assault on the senses. It offends me as a viewer, it offends me as a man in love, and it offends me as someone who from time to time enjoys the odd spanking. It aggressively upsets me as a writer. I tutor fourth graders who have written more compelling fiction than E.L. James.Alright, let’s do this.

(Be sure to read Part 1 here, Part 2 here, and Part 3 here.)Well audience, we did it.Well, I did it. I watched all five Twilight movies. None of you suffered as I have suffered. In fact, you’ve all been profiting from my suffering, so shame on you.But regardless, we’re finally here at the thrilling conclusion of the Twilight Saga. Bella’s a vampire, she’s married, basically everyone mad at them is dead, Jacob loves a baby, what more is there to cover in this series?No, seriously, what more is there to cover.

Happy New Year, everyone! For those of you not in the know, I’ve been writing about Twilight movie marathon that my girlfriend and I had just before Christmas. You can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here. Today marks the start of the epic conclusion, the day that we tackle Breaking Dawn Part 1 in all of its sparkly glory.As with every popular fantasy literary adaptation in the last seven years, the epic Twilight saga’s final book was split into two movies. After Harry Potter, movie executives looked upon the giant mound of gold coins that was Deathly Hallows Part 2 and went, “Wait…we can do that?!” That being said, unlike most movie series that have finished with a two-parter, I can tell you confidently that Breaking Dawn does not have enough going on to justify two movies. Here we go.

So in last week’s article I mentioned that I had recently sat down and watched all five Twilight films in a single sitting because, “Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny to do that for Low Five.” One traumatizing fourteen hour experience later, and here we are. Without further ado, let’s talk about the middle chunk of the saga, New Moon and Eclipse.