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sometimes a stereotype, sometimes not

As some of you may know from last post, Sarah J. Maas’ sequel for A Court of Mist and Fury came out two days ago. These are all part of the A Court of Thorns and Roses series that I’ve previously said I absolutely adored. Now, I had also said that I was going to die when the book came out and well, it’s been partially true. I saw the book download on my Kindle at 12:00 am and proceeded to have a serious case of the feels which any fangirl must know. Years ago, I only read books that were in series like The Mortal Instruments and so, I always had a case of the feels. But it’s been two years since I’ve gotten one and ohmygod. I don’t want to bore people as I try to elaborate the intensity of the exact feelings these books bring me but I’ve refrained from reading too much of the book since I still have various school assignments and I don’t want to slack too much even though I’ve already been accepted into the university I’m going to. BUT BOY HAS IT BEEN HARD. I began reading the first chapter and I realized as I reached the third chapter at 1:00 am on a school night that once I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop and so I gathered all of my strength and willpower and stopped reading. I haven’t touched it again and I’m sure this isn’t even making much sense as my stomach’s gotten all fluttery just thinking about the books but wow, it’s just amazing. Amazing. Wish me good luck because I have no idea how much longer I can resist and my final exams are next week…

It sounds strange and perhaps even impossible to some but it’s exactly how I feel. The book, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas came out on May 15, 2015. I remember browsing the kindle store and seeing a free sample of the first four chapters of the book. The cover caught my attention and the synopsis even more. I remember reading it and being frustrated that the book hadn’t come out yet. I remember pre-ordering it and waiting patiently for May 15, achieving patience simply because I was lucky I had discovered the book weeks before it was published. I remember reading and enjoying every second of it. I remember it making my heart skip a beat in both fear and joy so many times. I remember finishing the book and regretting it. I didn’t want such a good story to end. I remember being completely obsessed with Rhysand. I remember being disappointed there wasn’t any fanart and me attempting to draw him. Something I never finished as I carried on and the book went to the back of my mind. Then, one day, I saw the sequel, A Court of Mist and Fury in my library but I felt like I wasn’t ready. I was stressed out and knew I wasn’t going to read it with as much as attention as the book deserved so I put it off. And suddenly, almost a year had passed and I kept saying I still wasn’t ready. Christmas break came and I saw it in my library and thought, if I’m not ready now, I never will be. So I reread A Court of Thorns and Roses and fell in love with it once again. It was more amazing than I had remembered and it affected me more deeply than I though it would. I didn’t sleep for the entirety of Christmas Break because I was up all night, every single day reading it. And when I tried to sleep, I couldn’t. My mind was too wired up, thinking about it.

When I finished and began the sequel, it affected me even more. The story was compelling and full of so many plot twists I could have never imagined. I can usually predict plot twists, but I was constantly surprised in A Court of Mist and Fury. The characters were strong but they were real, and thus so much more captivating. Their struggles were understandable without being frustrating and it was so easy to get up caught up in the story and I’m not even mentioning the wonderful world-building and mythology Maas did. I wish I could write exactly how it makes me feel but the emotions it evokes are so strong, my thoughts are scrambled. Even thinking about the books now is making my stomach feel weird and my heart beat faster. It sounds ridiculous but it’s true. I’m a person that is deeply moved by the smallest of things including books. It’s one of the reasons I love to read so much. The feelings books give to readers are amazing. But it’s been a long time or even the first time, a book has affected me so much. I’m sure this blog post seems messy but that’s exactly how my mind gets when I think about these books.

A Court of Wings and Ruin, the third book is coming out next week and I’m not sure I’m emotionally prepared. Should I reread the books again, as I always do and give up sleep for the next few weeks or just wait? The plot is still fresh in my mind, something that’s strange since I tend to be forgetful in when I wait for a sequel since I read so many books in between. I DON’T KNOW! These books are amazing and I guess this is an appreciation post. I’m not sure if everyone would love these books since they have a lot of fantasy which is something I enjoy but I know not everyone does. But if you find yourself slightly interested, please read them. Or don’t because you’ll be dying like me. Wish me good luck people, because I’m going to need it to continue living after I start reading the story again.

A few years ago, I found a 9gag post about 10 or 15 most difficult dilemmas which described “would you rather…” questions. It proved to be so hard for me to decide that I frequently asked my friends the questions to see if they could. For all of them, the questions proved to be equally as hard except for one. There was one question that everyone scoffed at and answered the same. As if the answer was obvious and simple. The question was:

“Would you rather travel to the past or to the future?”

Or at least, something along those lines. Everyone told me that they would rather travel to the future because they already know what happened in the past. But the question was difficult for me because the past was as unknown to me as the future. History books don’t cover what it felt like to live in those times. The beauty and the harshness of it. I’m a total bookworm but something I particularly enjoy is reading fairy tales and myths. Although they are fictional, they tell a lot of what it was to live in those times, what were the issues that people were concerned with. (They’re entertaining too)

I recently saw the new “Beauty and the Beast” film and found it to be completely beautiful. There’s the part where they involved Belle more while still being loyal to the original movie, introduced a diverse cast, and more which I liked. But what awed the most was the castle, the rolling hills and beautiful skies. The rococo style of every room in the castle and the beautiful design of the clothes. I know that while they used real sets, a lot of it was thanks to CGI but it got me thinking again of the past. I always wondered what it would be like to see all the famed buildings and castles in their prime. What it would be like to wear chiton in Ancient Greece or be a duchess in the 17th or 18th century. Would I visit the legendary Pythia and receive an answer? Would I simply read, eat, and sleep (my dream life) or would I be a failure because my singing skills are lacking?

There is, of course, the fact that I would have to take in consideration that as a woman, my time in the past would not be very enjoyable. That and the plague if I ever decided to go to the 14th century. But the point is that the past is just as alluring as the future. We know what happened but we don’t know what it felt like for the people it was happening to. So please, give it a try.

I’m a quiet person for the most part. My voice is soft and people tend to tell me to speak louder. When I feel comfortable with someone, I will of course, talk a lot more but in most situations, I won’t say anything. I won’t feel like I have to say anything. Sometimes, it’s enough to just listen to what others are saying. But then there are other times where I have a very strong opinion about a topic and I want to say something. And although I do give in to this urge occasionally, I struggle with speaking up. I struggle to say exactly what I have in mind and it feels like it came out wrong. But I am getting better and I am trying so it’s fine.

Except a new problem has arisen. With graduation getting closer everyday, my patience wears thinner and thinner. I’m tired of school and heavy assignments. I wonder how can there be so many more topics to cover when I’m so close to finishing. I’m angry at the people who told me the second half of senior year was going to be easier when it’s just gotten harder. I’m fed up with a certain teacher who only seems to get more mediocre and I’m tired of doing senior activities that require me to lose hours of sleep and work. And so, as I’m sure you can tell, I’m getting really cranky which has led me to have small outbursts where I argue with people and I speaker much more loudly than I usually do. The issues here is that I’m more spiteful than I mean to and nothing comes out the way I intended. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to take out my frustrations with people who have done nothing wrong. Thankfully, Spring Break starts for me this weekend so I’ll hopefully be recharged by the time I get back. Until then, don’t be me. 😦

I don’t if this how most people are but from what I’ve seen from my friends, people tend to actually do what they aspire to after some procrastination. Some take more time than others but they do eventually get around to doing it. I’m not like that. At all. I get these moments where I suddenly want to take art classes, a writing course, photography lessons, write a short story, do a DIY, learn how to cook something, and a million things. And then it’s gone. For a few more days, I play around with the idea in my head and think of all the reasons to put it off. I have an essay to do, I need to study for a test, and I want to sleep after that because I didn’t sleep well last night and the list goes on until I think about it and I don’t want to do it anymore.

Perhaps people don’t procrastinate as much as I do but I do think everyone has these moments. Moments where you’re awake at 3:00 am and you’re finishing an essay when you suddenly get the urge to finally organize your room or write the first chapter of that story you’ve been thinking about for years but you have to put it off because you need to finish that essay. Or maybe you’re shopping with your friends and you say, I’ll do it when I get home. Except you get home and you’re tired or you have to get ready for something and by the time you have the opportunity to do it, the urge to do so is gone.

There was a TED Talk I watched last year by Tim Urban called “Inside the Mind of a Master Procrastinator.” My teacher recently played it for it during class and as I watched it again, it struck a chord in me. He argues that procrastination is fine when there are deadlines but that it become dangerous when there aren’t deadlines. When our to-do’s are our dreams and goals. I fear that this is what is going to happen with me. I haven’t had one of those inspiring moments in months but I’ll still start. I’ll start small and hope to do more as time passes but for now, I think it’s important to keep this in mind and know that it’s important to do something about it. I hate inspirational talks and quotes but there are certain truths in them. So for anyone that suffers from my same problem, I hope this helps.

When I was little, Christmas used to be my favorite holiday simply because unlike my birthday, I received many instead of a single gift. Besides, it was so exciting to decorate the house, put up the tree, dressing up, and having such an elaborate and delicious dinner in the end. My parents have always been generous but being the youngest one of my siblings, they were even more generous with me when giving gifts. Every year, I persuaded them to open the gifts when the clock struck midnight on the 24th rather than on the morning of the 25th since they had long told me the truth about Santa Claus. I loved receiving gifts, as most people do, and I loved making Christmas crafts to give to each member of my family along with watching the classic Disney Christmas films.

But as the years went by, the magic of Christmas slowly vanished. I was more occupied by school each year, and so I was always too tired to help my mom decorate, something that I started to notice was incredibly stressful to her because of the mess and her perfectionism. The dinner was also a lot of work for her, which put a strain on the night when she argued that she was tired (rightfully so) and didn’t want to do it next year. Christmas crafts and cards became a chore and my family almost immediately fell asleep when I put on a movie. The gifts decreased as did decorations and each year, I felt like there wasn’t really any holiday that was as nice as before. I read a tweet that said this was what growing up felt like. I was disillusioned. Although I am Roman Catholic, my family wasn’t very religious, and I was struggling with my faith. Christmas was more of the occasion than a religious holiday for me. But I still held on to the belief that I loved Christmas and that it was my favorite holiday. And though I struggled each year with trying to convince myself and other of this, I managed to keep saying it.

And this year, Christmas has been different for me. I think that in a way, the tweet I read spoke the truth. Childhood memories have a certain magic that belong exclusively to when you were a child. As we grow up, we lose that perspective and so the magic disappears. But we can still hold on to it and work with our new perspective. I realized that Christmas was still truly my favorite holiday because it wasn’t just one day, it was a whole season where the world around you changes. The holiday spirit is everywhere from malls, school, to your house. The weather gets chillier (in most places) and you can now justify a perpetual craving for hot chocolate. Everyone’s mood just gets at least a little bit happier. Yes, exams are coming up but winter break, family and friends time, and the start of a new year are also coming. It’s time for caroling and it’s time for joy. It’s more than just a religious tradition, it’s a time in which people share happiness with each other even if it’s just a bit, for a whole season. Despite it being a classic, I had never read Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! before. I had seen the movie and I knew the basic plot but I had never read so I decided to read it after my mom informed she wouldn’t be putting any sort of decorations in the house because we were going on a trip. I’d felt heartbroken and I had immediately compared her to the Grinch (mature for a 17-year old, I know). But I was changed when I read it.

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!”
“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

I don’t know, maybe you already knew all of this and I’m just explaining the obvious but I think it’s important to try to keep a certain appreciation for Christmas or some holiday because they do posses importance. Dr. Seuss remarked in an article about writing the book,

“I was brushing my teeth on the morning of the 26th of last December when I noticed a very Grinch-ish countenance in the mirror. It was Seuss! So I wrote about my sour friend, the Grinch, to see if I could rediscover something about Christmas that obviously I’d lost.”

That was exactly it for me. Though it saddens me that I won’t have decorations, a tree or dinner, Christmas, as cheesy as it is, lies in my heart, giving me and others happiness.

Being a teenager in 2016 is not the same as being a teenager in the early 2000’s. Besides the obvious difference in technology, so many aspects of it have changed and the one that’s been bothering me the most lately is romance. What’s up with today’s hook up culture? Romance at my age is dead. Officially dead. I can’t remember the last time I told my friends, someone liked someone else. It’s always someone hooked up with someone else at this party. I can count the number of couples I know with one hand.

What happened? The early 2000’s was THE time for romance. I remember when my sister was in high school and her boyfriend burnt CDs with songs that reminded him of her. I know, CDs. Seems prehistoric. The most action I see is someone “sliding” into a girl’s DM. And it’s not even slightly romantic considering that he probably did it because of her pretty bikini pictures and not her Brainy Quotes captions.

My sister used to talk on the phone all day with her boyfriend. If they had a really serious fight, he would come to the house to apologize. He practically lived in my house because he was always there watching movies with my sister, eating ice-cream or fries that he bought for her. I haven’t seen that again since then. There’s only one couple in my circle of friends while the rest, both female and male, assure me they don’t want anything serious. (UPDATE: They broke up after two years together.) They have the right to feel that way but why has that been everyone‘s mindset since we started high school and why has it never changed? No one in my class is even angsty and that’s even more worrying. We’re teenagers, we’re supposed to be angsty and moody all the time! I know I’m angsty; I’ve had my fair share of times where I feel like the world is against me and everything is unfair and I have to listen to Simple Plan’s I’m Just a Kid while sighing dramatically. In comparison, my classmates are happy with their parents as long as they can keep partying and drinking which is the only thing that hasn’t changed since then. I mean, even going back to the romance, where are all the teenager movies like 10 Things I Hate About You and She’s All That or even more recent movies like She’s the Man and John Tucker Must Die? Granted, they weren’t Oscar-winning movies with complex plots but they were really entertaining to teenagers back then and now me. But none of my friends enjoy them. It could be that I’m just weird but it could also be that my generation has changed.

People don’t go on dates to later become couples or decide that they didn’t have enough chemistry. People go to parties where they meet or are introduced guys or girls with whom they’ll see again in other parties or maybe even text a little just to hook up and never talk to them again. At least, that’s all I see. And even the few relationships that exist aren’t respected. I mean, I was at a party the other day when a cute guy approached me and luckily, I didn’t do anything with him except dance because as it turns out, he has a girlfriend. Even worse, I know way too many people who have hooked up with randoms only to find out they have girlfriends later on.

What has happened? Where is the romance? Where is the angst? What ever happened to teenagers? I don’t have the slightest clue but I’ll stay here watching Drive Me Crazy, hoping someone shares my thoughts.