The Difference between Constructive and Destructive Feedback

Yesterday I received an e-mail which indicated some disapproval of who I am.

It kind of hit me unexpectedly below the beltline and pushed my buttons. Now I am feeling depressive, in doubt and as if I cannot access my knowingness, anymore.

Fortunately it did not take away my experience of what I have learned. So I count on that until the pain heals. It can be very challenging when you get hit so hard. It can make you feel all wrong – who you are, what you do and what you believe in. It even can make you feel like you do not belong in this world. Those buttons were pushed for me, yesterday, and I am still dealing with the effect. Actually I pretty much fell silent since receiving this message. – I will survive it. It will pass.

Meanwhile I felt like sharing about what I have learned. Maybe it helps others to deal with similar situations.

You know, I personally cannot always avoid getting hit by discouraging energies. Sometimes they just beat on me and I can’t help it. And it does feel terrible and painful. I admit that freely.

But there is something that helps me dealing with it, when it happens. It is to know the difference between constructive and destructive energies. Because, even when I feel them and they hurt me, I know that I do not have to listen to the destructive ones. I know that they are not speaking the truth, even if they sometimes throw me off the rail, temporarily.

So, how do I know the difference?

It actually is pretty simple.

Constructive Feedback

Does not come uninvited

Does always leave you with an idea of how you can do better

Does always feel motivating

Does always accept your choice

Destructive Feedback:

Does invade your space

Does leave you feeling devastated and feeling generally wrong

Does feel discouraging

Does not accept you for who you are

That means all I have to do is ask myself: How do I feel, now?

Did I ask for an opinion on this?

Do I feel inspired, motivated, accepted as who I am?

If the answer is Yes, then great! I may go straight ahead and put the new inspiration and/ or motivation into action. Or, if my choice is that I do not need to change anything, I go and continue with what I do, feeling accepted for who I am.

In my case, today, the answer to both questions is No.

Instead, I feel muted, discouraged and like I do not belong in this world. Heck, most of the time, today, I do not even want to be here. Not exactly what I call inspiring and motivating. Rather the opposite!

So at least I know in a sense of knowledge that this message I received is not telling me the truth. It is not a shoe I have to wear and nothing I need to listen to.

It still hurts. What I will do with it, for now, is face the pain and allow healing. It may be that this lets me fall silent for a few days. And after that I speak up with a voice that is even stronger than before.

Do you encounter destructive feedback, sometimes? What is your recipe to deal with it?

Hi Ian,
Thank you very much for stopping by and sharing your view.
It is true, we are entitled to ignore destructive feedback. Sometimes this may seem easier said than done, yet, in such a case it always offers us a chance to grow.
Much love,
Steffi

Hi Ashley!
Thank you for stopping by on my blog and sharing some lovely likes as well as your beautiful insights.
It is true, a supportive network of family and friends can be a great help when dealing with destructive energies. There were times when I did not feel like I had this and most of those times I felt like I was just stumbeling from one experience to the next. Fortunately life has changed for me and I eventually was able to allow loving and supportive people and connections into my life. 🙂
Much love to you in the UK,
Steffi

Without wishing to be negative I find that life today is so frenetic and that in such a climate it is difficult for our long established instincts to deal with so many of the technological advances that are thrust upon us so rapidly. We do need to slow our lives down and once again listen to the universe. Climb into the hills or mountains, walk along a beach, or watch the stars in the heavens, allow the universe back into our lives.
In peace and in friendship, much love.
Ashley.

Seeing things for what they are and by that possibly noticing a need for change is not negative nor a judgement in my book, Ashley! 🙂
I feel a similar need to decelerate and reconnect with spirit/ source/ universe – what ever name we may give it. Maybe it simply is love? Most of us grew up in a world of war – where it is normal to put people down for their gender, nationality, religion or skin colour; where being different is seen as a stigma instead of something to encounter with interest and curiosity; where governments and banking systems are based on an old idea of slavery. Most of us have experienced one or another kind of abuse. Some of us so early in life, that it left a deep imprint.
How do we learn to trust in a world like this? How can we learn what is healthy for us? How can we learn to live in peace?
Only by centering ourselves within the heart and opening to the true love that surrounds us. For me, nature has always been a great reminder for that.
Fortunately, many people are awake and more are waking up to a new awareness, right now. This old world of war is ending – it is changing and transforming and a new, loving and peaceful world is emerging from beneath this old experience.
Have many more happy walks, strolls, strides, bimbles, danders, doodles, soodles, and even vigorous spangings, dear Ashley! ❤
In peace, love and friendship,
Steffi

Ahh Steffi, there are so many ways to walk! One last thing………Mary Oliver in a poem wrote “You do not have to walk on your knees……….” Look it up. It’s called Wild Geese and I refer to it often. It’s a prayer to the Universe. (Read more Mary Oliver, do please).

Hee hee – indeed, there are! I surely learned a lot of new terms in English from that post of yours, Ashley. I shall see if I can come up with as many expressions for all the different kinds of walking in German. (I love to go for a walk!)
Thank you for the recommendation regarding Mary Oliver. Actually I stumbled upon her name, last year, as she was quoted often on another blog I occasionally follow. Now, that you bring her name back to me I will take this as an invitation to read more from her.
Wild Geese is a lovely poem! I just looked it up and guess I will have to read it a few more times before the complete depth of the message becomes fully tangible for me. What I love at the first look is the comforting and empowering energy which flows from her words.
True, “you do not have to walk on your knees” because you have “your place in the family of things”. I love that reminder of hers.
❤

Dear Stephanie – it does hurt when that happens. But I’ve now found a way to feel immune to those attacks. The second : of The Four Agreements from Miguel Ruiz’s book of the same name, reads: ‘ Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.’
I hope this helps you, I’ve found it always works for me……Love Valerie

Thank you for your friendly comment and your insightful advice!
It is indeed a grand reminder! – Just a few days ago I saw a documentary on TV about Lemmy Kilmister who is the singer and founder of the Heavy Metal band Motörhead. Born on Christmas 1945 in Stoke-on Trent, England, he is living a pretty wild style (sex, drugs and rock’n’roll) and I am not recomending to “do that at home” (nor anywhere else) ;). Anyway, what I admire about him is that he simply is who he is. Within all the rock’n’roll-business he is a down to earth person and authentic – and he does not give anything about what others say about him. I believe, if nothing else, he mastered the advice you are sharing, above, perfectly. Just yesterday I said to my partner Kim that I could use a “little bit of Lemmy” for this situation and, the words you are quoting, here, are making perfect sense to me. Well, I can say, it does help me, too! 😀

Thank you for your loving support, Valerie, and much love to you,
Steffi

Don’t worry, it happens to us all and usually comes out of the blue, as this just did for you. And like you, most of us feel hurt no matter how we try to rationalise it. The pain will of course pass, because inside you know that the criticism is unjustified and unfair. I don’t know you personally, but your warmth, kindness and natural affection springs off the page of your blogs, and is obvious for any well meaning person to see. So take a breath, absorb the pain, and as time passes allow your inner self to work it out and neutralise it, as I’m sure you have done so many times before. Stay kind and happy, it’s the only protection you need against bad vibes. Take care, love, Mike

Thank you for your warm and compassionate lines.
It is true, somewhere is a seed of knowing that the feedback I got is just not true and this seed is growing stronger the more I am breathing with and – as you call it so appropriately – absorbing the pain. You are right, I am not the only one and it is not the first time this happend to me, for sure. 😉
Your kind words and your sympathy are truly touching me and warming my heart. Thank you so much for that!

Dear Steffi, I am very sorry to read of your recent hurtful experience. It is unfortunate! I guess what is most helpful during hurting times is to focus on those that are supportive, caring and healthy enough within themselves to be kind in their comments and who you feel good with. You are valuable and it would be a shame to let anything or anyone take that away, even for a day! Blessings, Cathie

Thank you for your lovely, heartfelt comment and for sharing sound advice. Both is highly appreciated. But mostly I thank you for your presence. It feels supportive, caring and healthy, indeed, and I agree: It is very helpful to focus on those who are able and willing to share these energies. Thank you! 😀

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NICHOLAS & #CHRISTMASBREAK: Today, I am going on a Christmas break for a good month – until January 1st 2018. What I am doing until then? – Well, I am helping Santa in his workshop! Have a wonderful Christmas time and a happy, peaceful 2018! | #KokopelliBeeFree #ElfieAndSanta