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Chris

I met Chris on my holidays in Greece. He was a barkeeper and right from the beginning I caught his eye (and him mine). It didn’t take him long until he would start to speak with me and to ask me out. I declined, because I didn’t feel good about leaving the hotel, but a kiss happened. Shortly after that he stopped talking to me… just for me to find out that he had a girlfriend. So that was it with Chris. (June 2016)

I’m back home. And sadly so. I cried during most of the drive and flight home (which sums up to about 5 hours or more). Why, you might ask yourself?

I’m just sad I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone. I did bump into Chris one last time when I left the beach. He just looked at me and turned around. I knew he would, he was glad I had to leave. And I was actually okay with it. This story had ended for me.
But all the guys from the animation team. I saw Crush in the morning, I wanted to say goodbye to him then, but he said he would come to the entrance when I leave. We decided on 2.30pm (I should get picked up at 3pm). He said he’s gonna bring the others.
After Crush left, I didn’t bump into anyone of the others. Once I was sat at the lobby I just knew. I knew I wouldn’t get to say goodbye, because… it’s just my life. I have never had the chance to say goodbye to anyone. Ever. Not if I liked them.
So I actually walked around the pool 3 times, because they usually stay there. Noone. At 2.59pm the driver came and my mom told me to get the fuck in the car. By then I was already crying like a baby. I sat in the car and looked back. I don’t know if it was real or not, but just when the driver started, I saw about 5 people coming up the reception. But it probably wasn’t them.

So I went away, no goodbye. No hugs. I was devastated. I had gotten to like these people so much by then, I really didn’t want to leave. As mentioned already, I cried. My eyes are all puffy by now. I didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day and I still don’t feel like talking. Nobody can understand this feeling inside of me. Who even gets to love people in the short amount of 2 weeks and wants to change their life, just because of this? Yeah, nobody, but me.

I don’t know why, but I need to get back. I know, they probably don’t care about me. I was just a girl on holidays. They will forget. They live on their beautiful life and I go back to normal, boring, daily life.
I don’t know about the Crush. I don’t know why the thought of not telling goodbye to him broke my heart. Maybe because I know I will not see him again. Maybe because I just wanted to tell him some things to his face, I didn’t have a chance before. You know, he was off work on Saturday. I found him on facebook and texted him “enjoy your day off, sweetie 😉 :*” by the time I realised what I had written, I was ashamed. But then I bumped into him in the evening and he said with the hugest smile “your message made my day!” I don’t think I have been this happy in a long time. I just totally didn’t expect this, as I had ‘just’ gotten a “thx :* :* :*” back from him. I didn’t expect him to be that happy about a message. It was also the evening I sang on karaoke for him (I hate singing in front of people!), because he asked me to a few days prior. Of course he wasn’t there and when the others told him, he was really upset and sad. He just has a really cute personality.When I left the hotel, I just had to tell him the things I wanted to say to his face but didn’t get the chance. So I did. He hasn’t read it yet – not so keen on facebook I guess. Which makes it that much harder.

The thing about Lex: I woke up to noticing a hickey on my neck. That was kind of weird, because I was afraid someone would notice. But nobody said so. I had been thinking about our sex a lot after the 2 hours of sleep. And it made me giggle most of the time. So no, I do not regret it. It was fun. I don’t expect any thing of it and I guess that’s how ONS should work, right? I was even surprised when Crush said Lex can come to say goodbye (of course he didn’t).

So I did say goodbye to everyone of them. But it was in the middle of the night with saying “see you tomorrow”. Maybe it’s for the better. I have never been good in saying goodbye and letting go, so that’s probably how life tries to be good with me? Maybe saying “see you” is better than an actual goodbye? I don’t know, I never got to say it before.
The thought of never getting to see any of them again is killing me. I figured I might be able to go back at the end of October, it would be their last week.

So all of this. Is a huge deja-vu from when I returned to Australia. I really don’t feel like I’m home at all. I don’t want to be here. I don’t care about my family being here or my friends. Or the work I used to love so much. Right now I really just don’t want any of it.

I think I will return to normal. Someday. It will take some time though. And the thing is: this happens almost every time I go abroad. So I got my itchy feet back on a horrible level. I even thought about cancelling my studies and go back. Who the fuck cares about my studies here? I want to get on an island and talk to people in different languages (actually, this was the most annoying thing to me yesterday: everybody talked in my mother tongue again and it freaked me out, because it made me missed all the different English accents I used to hear). And I know, apart from my mother nobody will care if I do so.

For now I will stay here for a few weeks. If it doesn’t get better, I will go. I don’t care about what my brother says anymore that I have to stay in this country because of my nephew. Because really? My heart doesn’t belong here. And although I could not be anymore born of this nationality, I don’t feel like it at all (and that’s what people told me on holidays as well).
It feels weird to know that everyone else’s life just goes on as if nothing had ever happened – well that’s because it hasn’t. And I’m sitting here, feeling like my life has just broken into a billion pieces and I don’t know how to put them back together.

Maybe my life will take a huge turn in these next couple of months. Maybe it won’t. But in the long run, I need to get the fuck away (and there’s a new target in sight now, so we’ll see).
For now I have planned to go to the tattoist and get one made for memories of these holidays. And yes, really, I am that stupid.

S, C, Lex, V, Crush, G, N, St. – you have taken my heart and kept it there. I love you guys, and I hope to some day see you again (the hope is tiny, but you know… life). Missing you.

So to let you guys know about the end of Chris’ and my story, I will write this down one last time. Then he’s gone for good from this blog and my mind.

I had to fight for attention today with Chris. I wanted to know what had happened, because it was bothering me that I didn’t know what the problem seemed to be. He ignored me at all costs and always went away whenever I was even coming close to him. And I hate to be ignored and not know the reason.
I asked his friend in the morning, he said he didn’t know but he thinks he likes me. I told him to say Chris that I like him. I’m not sure he did, but it doesn’t matter as you will read in the end of this story.
I really really dislike this guy by now, it’s the one who tried to set up a date and probably didn’t tell him that I waited on him yesterday. Or maybe he did, as Chris has been behaving like a baby. But let’s read on.

By midday I’ve gotten quite annoyed and asked the lifeguard, who is friends with him as well and he said he didn’t know either, but he could go ask him. Which he did.
When he returned he said that Chris had a girlfriend. I actually started laughing, because really? What the fuck? For once I think that is not true, secondly even if it is. He could have just said so and all was done. I didn’t expect a fuckin lovestory out of this. Lifeguard was a really nice guy though, saying he understood that I was upset and Chris wasn’t handling it like a real man. He was genuinely the nicest guy of them all. He also told me where to find him, if I needed to talk.

I was feeling calm after that. Not happy, but calm. Like… finding closure. Yet I wanted to talk to Chris one last time and wanted to say thank you (my mind is bananas), which was a problem as he was avoiding me at all costs.
I went up to the bar and told Goldie to tell Chris to please come for a second and talk. He said he didn’t want to talk. I said it’s not gonna be a big deal. He said he has a girlfriend. I said that I knew, I still wanted to talk to him. They ignored me. I waited. After like 5 minutes Chris came up to me at the bar (which he didn’t want to leave when I asked him for a quiet moment) and asked what was up. I asked him what was going on. He just said that he had problems with work and has a girlfriend (who even says these things in one sentence and this order?!) I said that I knew and he could have just told me. He didn’t look me in the eyes at all throughout this very short conversation, which he never did before. He didn’t say anything to this so I was like “look I really liked you, but whatever” and walked away. I saw it in his eyes that he was hurt by that reaction I think. I was close to throwing my drink at him for being such an asshole, but I didn’t. There’s something fishy about all of this, but… I have found closure. He probably hasn’t.

So that has been the story of Chris and I.

I would have loved to really say goodbye to him and thank him for a lovely time before I leave. But I will not show up on that bar again. I don’t let myself be treated like – neither by Chris nor Goldie (because he has been a huge ass as well). He didn’t want a goodbye, so he can get that.
I know he won’t forget about me so easily. I know he actually liked me. For real. He wouldn’t have acted this way otherwise. I will never know what is going on in his head, but now that I am angry with him, I can find the closure I was searching for today. Even if it hurt.

He ignored me for the most part of the day. I was actually crying about it like a little baby and his friend found me like this, so I’m pretty sure he told him (I was also completely drunk, mind you). He never came to check on me, whilst his friend kept asking me if I was okay when I returned. Everybody at the bar did actually, except for Chris. One even mentioned that I didn’t look very happy today, which was true (I was having an awful day even before this). Chris just asked me.omce how I was and when I didn’t really answer, he didn’t mind.

I also asked his friend at like 6pm, who first asked me to go out with him (the one who started up on that 9pm thing) if he knew what was wrong with Chris and how I felt about him and he said, that everything was fine and Chris hadn’t said anything, but that he was scared about the hotel manager. And he thinks that Chris actually really likes me. But it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way.
I told his friend that I would be waiting upstairs, so if Chris cared at all, he could come up after work. I waited for 30 minutes. He just left. So there’s that.

I also did tell Goldie like 3 times that I really like Chris and I’m sure he heard at least once (or they told him). I was provoking him, saying “he isn’t interested anyway” when he was standing next to Goldie. So he heard all of these things, yet there was never any reaction to it.

I’m not gonna do any more. I am pretty damn sad, not gonna lie. But I gotta move on, I’m leaving in 2 days anyway.

Short update:
I was very sad yesterday after what happened – or rather didn’t happen – with Chris. So I decided to go to karaoke night by myself. After it finished I waited to talk to one of the animation team, who has been very nice since the beginning. He’s Italian. And he also asked if I would like to join them to the club last night – or any night to come actually.

Now comes the funny part. Chris asked me, his friends asked me. Several times. The same question… I never felt truly secure or good about this. So that’s why I didn’t really say yes, ever (and it’s not that hard to talk me into things like that).
But when Italian asked I had no fear, I knew I didn’t have to be afraid that anybody wanted to get into my pants, but rather just having fun and a last few amazing days of my holidays.
He told me that he liked me and was sad that we were leaving so soon. So you see the difference? Chris has asked when I leave as well, but never any word after that… so it was more to make sure how many more days he had left to try and get into my pants – or at least that’s how it seems.
Italian on the other hand seems true to himself and tells me how he feels. He doesn’t seem romantically – or sexually – interested, which makes things so much easier.

So I said, why not? It’s a completely different story with Italian, so I feel good about it. We haven’t made any plans yet (as they have to work till about 2am and only go out then). So I’ll keep you updated. Maybe I just won’t go out with anyone in the end. Who knows, really?

Also. I talked to my mom about the Chris situation and she said that they hadn’t asked for me at all yesterday – whilst every other day they did all the time. And also – she said – that when she told them I was playing beach volley with the guys, they all seemed to be done with me (she said she could see it in their faces). Oh the joys… that’s probably why Chris had flirted in front of me. Because he thought I’m doing the same while playing beach volley. What the heck? But whatever, I decided today to not do a thing and see if Chris makes any move. I don’t expect him to. So expect him to be gone from this blog shortly. Short, sad story it was. But I’m feeling a lot calmer after Italian’s conversation yesterday. At least I made some funny friends here (which I will miss terribly, oh I am not looking forward to going home. At all.).

So. Turn in events. But no, no. You gotta wait just like I had to:
As mentioned in yesterday’s post I didn’t go to the entrance on 9pm. This morning I felt very upset about it (I expected to feel that way, so no surprise). For some reason I never doubted that Chris did indeed show up. I mean, there was a possibility he was just joking, right? And didn’t actually wait for me, right?
I tried to calm myself but I started shaking right when we made our way to the beach. How would he behave? Was he angry? Will he talk to me?
When I first saw him in the distance my heart skipped a beat. I didn’t want to go to the beach bar for fear of rejection. I actually was terrified to meet him, I felt so bad about what I did – or rather didn’t do.
I couldn’t hide away all day though, so somewhen I did go, and he just looked at me with a very sad face and turned around. I felt really bad and was so sad afterwards. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to do something.
When he came to collect the cups, he just meanly said “what?!”, I was actually nearly crying. I hate disappointing people, I really do. So when he went back to the bar I followed him. I grabbed some drinks and went towards him. He just said “don’t even bother”, so everyone actually heard. But I was eager to explain to him that I indeed liked him. So I went to him either way (with all his friends around, and after the one who tried to talk me into that date yesterday asked whether I did go – as if he didn’t know already – I just ignored him) and asked Chris if we could talk. He said yes and waited. I said “well.. not here”, so we decided that I’d go back to the bar when he was off work at 6pm. I went back to the beach.

All day long I was really afraid he would dump me, but then he had all the reason to. When I saw him close up the bar, I slowly walked there. Shaking. Like I felt my legs tremble, it was that bad.
I waited. And waited. I didn’t dare to look his way, for I’d give him a chance to dump me (don’t ask). Then I was suddenly scared his friends wouldn’t leave him. I wanted to be alone. I am no good in emotional talks.

There needn’t have been any worries. He called my name and I went over. We sat on the steps and were actually alone. We talked and he got nearer by time. I told him that I was sorry about yesterday, that I usually don’t act this way and didn’t mean to make him angry. He just smiled. I told him that I felt really bad all day for him being mad at me. He then suddenly said: “you can do something to stop me being angry” (and let’s be real here, he long was done being angry) and I asked what. He said to give him a kiss on his cheeks. I did know beforehand that he would turn his head, but I didn’t mind. So I kissed him. And as expected he turned his head so I “accidentally” really kissed him. Like, on the lips. It was a lovely kiss. I liked it. I really liked it actually. And all was set again. He didn’t push for more (but then he also didn’t have time) and kept kissing me. He asked me whether I would tell my mom and I said no. I said he could now tell his friends and he said “no that’s just for me… and you… and your mom”. He really thinks I can’t do without my mom, hah.

We’ll see tomorrow if he didn’t talk to his friends, because they’ll act differently if they know. And how he’s gonna behave in front of them. Does he kiss me in piblic? I guess not. But I’m just gonna play along.
Oh the joy of this. Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m really happy. (But already in mind that I gotta leave in 5 days, I’m gonna be heartbroken, I know this already.)

So quick update about Chris. (And Goldie not so much.) I was feeling a bit nervous today, because I left them standing there like idiots to be fair, so I did not for the life of it want to go to grab drinks and let my mom do it. When she returned she did say that they asked about me and whether I hated them.
Soon enough I did go myself and talked to them. When I got Chris myself (Goldie was away) we started talking again. He asked me to come back later for a drink at the bar. I didn’t actually intend to do so, but went back at 5pm. He had already fixed me a drink and drew a heart on it. Cute, yes. I stayed although my mom came to fetch me. When he was off work at 6pm he stayed there with me for a couple of minutes with another friend of his. They tried to talk me into a date but I kept saying no. All of a sudden they stood up and left, Chris shaking hands and saying “See you on 9pm tonight at the reception”. I was really confused about this, because firstly I would like him to ask me out himself and not let his friend talk me into a date. Secondly, it should be on my terms.
Also he did give me quite a few alcoholic drinks again, gladly I felt the alcohol when they were long gone.
I will not leave this hotel to go somewhere with a guy I do not really know and do not know the country either. I am not afraid of him doing anything I wouldn’t want, yet I had a bad feeling about this.

I struggeled to decide whether to go to see him and just tell him I won’t go anywhere with him, or just leave it be alltogether… as I did decline the date already.
My remorse is the worst ever, so I did intend to go there and talk to him. However 5 minutes before I wanted to leave I talked to a good friend of mine and she told me not to go, because he would be able to talk me into going with him (she knows me well, she really does) and also he needs to accept my decisions, so I need to have no remorse because he got himself into that situation, not me. I did however go to the reception 20minutes later to grab a card, and he was not anywhere to be seen. So I figured it couldn’t be that important to him (I also didn’t expect him to wait though).

I’m honest, I do feel a bit bad and am not sure how to behave tomorrow. But I guess he’ll be okay. As my friend made me realise, I do not really believe in this turning into a relationship, so there’s no need to take any risks. I can flirt and do whatever the heck I feel okay with. I just need to realise. I do not know why I always have that one guy on holidays, that really gets to me. Man I have been flirting with quite a few guys here, but none is like Chris. It makes me furious. And crazy.

I have quite a problem on my hands guys.
As you might know, I am currently away on holidays abroad. I’m not sure if I have ever talked about that time I was on holidays a few years back (can’t be bothered to read back on my phone) and had a ONS (my one and only I must say), which I kind of regret up to this day. He was a lovely guy, don’t get me wrong and I did like him (and he did ask me to marry him afterwards). But I’m just not one for just having sex with someone I do not know.

Anyway. So I have been to the beach every day pretty much for the whole day so far and there is a bar to get drinks from. Right from the first day I noticed one guy, I found very cute – Chris. I did what I always do and just smiled at him whenever we would cross ways. He seemed very shy to me, which is unusual for a bartender as you might guess and which draw me towards him in the first place.

Today I wasn’t going for drinks for several hours and it crossed my mind to just go and see if he works. We happened to cross paths on the way. Later on he came to the beach and asked if I would join him at the bar and I thought why not? There’s no harm in just talking, right?…
As I sat at the bar (there were 2 bartenders, mind you) he asked me usual stuff and mixed some drinks for me. As you might know I’m not big on alcohol and told him so. He didn’t care much and gave me some mixed drinks and drank with me. I was fine with that, as he was still working and I could drink at my own pace (although he kept bugging me to drink), but I had a huge deja-vu, because on mentioned last holidays there was a guy getting me drunk to get into my pants… Gladly, my brain still worked just fine and I didn’t go down that path (as he wanted to have unprotected sex as well, which was the only hold back, because I was THAT drunk).
I started to not be so happy about Chris’ trying to get me drunk, but still was fine. The bartenders started to talk about me in their own language I do not understand. It didn’t take long for the other bartender (let’s call him Goldie) to start flirting with me. So after like 10 minutes of being there, Chris and Goldie were both hitting on me big time. People started looking at me whilst waiting for their drinks. After a while Goldie told me he could show me some dolphins on the beach this evening, which I knew was just to get me to the beach. Alone.
At least Chris was better and asked me out to a club. I declined either.

You know, I wouldn’t mind a little adventure and if Chris hadn’t bragged with me to his colleagues, I may have found a compromis to see him off his work somewhen in the evening, but somewhere close to other people. But now I just feel like an award they’re trying to win. And I know how I felt after my ONS last time, so I’m not really fond of going down that road again. But what shall I do? I do like Chris, he’s a cutie… but I don’t just want to be some fun and we all know that it is just that. At least I’m on holidays, what more is to expect?

We’ll see how this story ends, as I still have a week to go until I return home. I’m just confused, really. I do enjoy getting the attention, but do I really want to be just a doll? Or am I?