Unlike Dustin Hoffman, most of us don't have a PR rep to tell people we have cancer. Steven Petrow, who has received a cancer diagnosis three times, has four tips for sharing the news with others.

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Movie
stars like Dustin Hoffman always have it easy — even when it comes to
disclosing they've had the "big C." Earlier this week the two-time Oscar
winner's PR rep told People magazine
that Hoffman's cancer "was detected early
and he has been surgically cured." Case closed (except that he'll also
undergo additional treatment to prevent a recurrence). For the rest of us, we
have to do our own disclosing. As one who has received a cancer diagnosis three
times and also writes about medical manners, I am a reluctant expert in how to
reveal the diagnosis to friends, acquaintances, and
even colleagues. Here are some tips for you to consider.

'I Have
Cancer:' Telling Others About the Diagnosis

Only discuss your
diagnosis when you're 100 percent sure it's correct: It's one thing to take a spouse and other
relatives through the rollercoaster of a diagnosis but hold off telling others
outside your closest circle until your condition has been confirmed. Both
doctors and their technologies are fallible, and not every cancer diagnosis is
correct. I ought to know: Years ago I had a testicular ultrasound that showed a
mass on my left testis — sufficient "evidence" for what's called a
pre-emptive diagnosis. Fortunately, I
pushed for more tests and time (instead of the imminent removal of the
testicle), which eventually led to a different diagnosis: a ditzel (a term
universally recognized among radiologists as a very small, benign nodule).

Don't let
others pressure you into revealing a diagnosis prematurely: While you can't necessarily control your condition
(or outcome), you most certainly have the power — and the right —
to decide when to make your cancer diagnosis known to others. Friends and
acquaintances may ask well-meaning questions, especially if they notice you're not
up to your usual peppy self (or have lost a significant amount of weight or
hair). But medical queries don't necessarily need to be answered. Say kindly:
"Thanks for thinking about me. If I have any news to share, you'll be among the
first to know." End of discussion.

Be clear
whether you want your news shared or kept private: Once you've started to tell those outside your
closest circle, help them help you maintain your privacy. After explaining your
diagnosis and answering as many questions as you can or can stand, explain either
that you want this news kept confidential (and friends, you must respect this
directive) or not. Sometimes it helps to have a friend tell other friends,
relieving you of this burden. Again, this is your choice. Not theirs.

Don't mistake
your employer for a friend:
Think twice about revealing a cancer diagnosis to your colleagues or boss, or
anyone who might be able to penalize you as a result. Unfortunately, despite
the protections embedded in the Americans with Disabilities Act, people
suffering from cancer have been fired from their jobs or evicted from their
apartments. Earlier this year, a Seattle office worker asked her boss for some
flexibility in her work schedule as she underwent chemotherapy. A day later she
was fired. While experts agree that she likely has a strong case, a legal fight
is really the last thing anyone needs while undergoing treatment. Be circumspect
about whom you tell in the office, and when in doubt, consult an attorney
before revealing your diagnosis to an employer.

If you're friends with someone who is seriously
ill, always be sure to respect the wishes of "the patient" whose needs come
before yours. Wait until the diagnosis is shared and then feel free to ask such
questions as: "How can I help you?" Even better, suggest helping out with
specific tasks: "Do you need me to drive you to the doctor?" "How about if I
prepare dinner for your family tomorrow?" "Does your dog need walking?" Or just
be a good friend – and listen. I'm sure (even) Dustin Hoffman has many of those
himself.

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