Pat Robertson Says Doomsday Is Coming (but This Time He's Sort of Right)

Science's own warnings of a potential end-of-all-things is just what Pat Robertson needs to drag Jesus into the picture.

5

SHARES

In the fevered mind of Pat Robertson, God's wrath always either already happened or is right around the corner. He claimed that 9/11 was divine retribution against the United States for "the pagans, the abortions, the feminists and the gays and lesbians" and that Hurricane Katrina crushed Haiti because of that country's "pact with the devil." His annual list of "predictions" is your average luke-warm goulash of doomsday prophecies that never seem to actually come true and are thus almost never spoken of again.

Advertisement

He warned that the world would end in 1982 and yet here we still are. He predicted a full-scale terrorist attack on the U.S. that would kill millions in 2007 and the closest we came was the release of Norbit. He said God told him that Syria and Iran would begin nuking their enemies in 2008 -- no dice. And he squinted hard and smiled smugly and claimed that Mitt Romney would win the 2012 presidential election and go on to serve out two terms in the White House -- you can ask Mitt how that worked out.

Advertisement

Advertisement

The point is that, like most charlatan prophets, Robertson is always wrong. At best the voices he's hearing in his head are the result of his own schizophrenia; at worst he's just entirely full of shit. But every once in a while Reverend Pat decides to try to up his batting average by latching all that silly superstition to actual science in the hope that man will succeed in providing a little handicapping where God has failed over and over again. That's why Robertson is suddenly very concerned about asteroids.

A new report from the asteroid-intensive B612 Foundation finds that large, nuclear-sized astroid impacts with the Earth are three to ten times more common than previously thought. This group believes that a "city-killer" asteroid hits us about once every 150 to 200 years, which would mean that we could be looking down the barrel of one at this very moment. Anyone who knows anything at all about astronomy -- or has seen Armageddon -- knows that it isn't a matter of if we get hit by an extinction-level asteroid but when. Earth is basically at the center of a shooting gallery and it's only a matter of time before our luck runs out, although it will probably be millions if not billions of years from now.

But science's own warnings of a potential end-of-all-things is just what Pat Robertson needs to drag Jesus into the picture. Here he was on Monday:

"I don't see anything else that fulfills the prophetic words of Jesus Christ other than an asteroid strike. There isn't anything else that will cause the seas to roil, the skies to darken... So, hey, just get ready. Get right. And stay right with the Lord… It could be next week, it could be 1,000 years from now. But nevertheless, we want to be ready whenever the Lord says, 'I'm wrapping it up, and it's time to come home.'"

Sure, this is a comically open-ended prophecy, one he never has to worry about the fulfillment of during his lifetime. But the fact remains that he's right about the impact a giant asteroid would have on the Earth and everything on it. It's about the only thing that would legitimately destroy everything, rendering our entire planet a dead rock and essentially bringing about a suitably biblical end to us all.

Here's your worst-case-scenario:

Sweet dreams.

Much more likely, of course, is that a smaller asteroid will impact somewhere within the next hundred years or so. But still, something like this is inevitably coming at some point -- although who knows if humans in their present form will even be around anymore -- and when it happens, don't say Pat Robertson didn't warn you.

Let's face it, it's tough to imagine walking out of any Nicolas Cage movie, especially one like Left Behind, and not coming to the unavoidable conclusion that there's a vengeful god in the heavens and that he's not above making us all suffer.

When Pat Robertson isn't busy hating gays and Muslims, he's also apparently a dietician. According to Robertson, who spoke on the '700 Club', a low-carb diet "violates the principles that God set down".

When the world was coming down on top of his head, Todd Akin apologized for saying that in the case of a "legitimate rape" a woman's body can shut down its reproductive system and prevent pregnancy. Now with nothing to lose, Akin returns to say he was never sorry.

I realize that it's been pointed out before, but I want you to remember this quote on the latest developments in the hostage standoff with the Republican lunatics in Congress. Write it down somewhere and keep it for use in any argument over this nightmare you might happen to get into with your right-of-center friends, because it spells out perfectly and succinctly why the Democrats can't give in.