I’ll mourn our babies alone

So before July I was a mess anyway, but then you saved me. It was a whirlwind of emotions, passion and sheer love for you, we were naive and weren’t careful in any sense. I fell pregnant fairly quickly and your true colours began to show. Was this the bipolar or split personality side of you? One minute saying you couldn’t wait to be happy with me and the next you wanted nothing to do with me. The decision was soon took away from us when I woke up with excruciating pains and asked you to take me to hospital and you said no. My dad took me, sat with me for hours and consoled me, crying and a mess. I wouldn’t see you for a month after that, you ‘needed space’ to sort your head out. I’d just started university, a fresh start? But my vulnerable and naive self went straight back to you when you said you were sorry for how you treated me and wanted to try again. It was perfect for a few weeks. Then you deleted all trace of me from your social media which spiralled into another argument, you were so quick to say let’s just leave it, walking away from me was so easy for you and you left me shattered once again. This was made worse by finding out you got back with your ex girlfriend less than 24 hours after you dropped my stuff off. After several girlie nights out I was finally starting to feel back to normal and you walked into my life again, you were sorry, you wanted to be friends, but can you really be friends with someone who broke your heart but you still love so deeply? You would stay over, it was back to normal, it was all a lie. I found out I was three months pregnant, yours, again. Even if you didn’t want to believe me, even if your family denied me. We opted for an abortion, which felt so wrong after I grieved for so long the first loss we had. You were supportive at the beginning, coming to check on me after work because I had crippling morning sickness. Then I had to go to hospital to be put on a drip, you weren’t there, I should have realised. You became more distant, I asked to see you and you were moving on with your life you didn’t want to know. I asked to at least see you for your birthday but you were ‘spending it with your family’. Then I check your Instagram, “lush weekend for baes birthday” another ex. I flipped, fair enough I was probably out of order but I was still pregnant and you didn’t respect or care for me one bit. That’s when all the truth came out. I contacted your other ex girlfriend, the first one, our entire relationship I was sharing you with her. I was worthless and I was basically the ‘other girl’ because she spent Christmas with your family. I feel so stupid for being so naive and not realising but she had no idea either, you’re just a good liar. I had the abortion by the way, I spent a whole day in hospital pining for even a text off you to ask if I was okay, but that would be too much to ask. Sitting alone in a hospital ward, the first time I stood up I cried, the blood poured down my legs and pooled on the floor, the cramps were unimaginable, I called for the nurse and held my tears back in her presence, ushered to the toilet to sort myself out, clean up, you weren’t there. To this day you still don’t know if I even went, I could still be pregnant, but you’ve not asked because you don’t care. I question if you ever cared, if you’re even capable of love. You’re unstable and you made me unstable. I’ll mourn our babies on my own, you share your bed with other girls as much as you want because FINALLY you aren’t coming back to mine afterwards. I feel a sense of freedom, but constant pain and betrayal of why I wasn’t enough, not even our babies were enough.

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