Archive for May, 2012

When your mind is saying “go do it, it needs to be done” and you listen..you push your body to move and psych yourself up to do what you need done.

Well, today once again, my body let me down. Even though I slept in, felt refreshed and went through my morning routine (a bit late but hey) I headed out to get the garden planted. My task was to get into the ground as much as I could, thinking I could work a few hours slowly, taking my time, not overdoing it. Grabbed my gear, knee pads, shovel, gloves. Maybe I started in the wrong place, maybe my body at the first bend was like “fuck this” but anyway I find myself digging in a spot that was rock hard..5 pots in I knew it was gonna be a short stint. My husband dug up a small area for me to put in the next tray, it SHOULD have been easy, but by the time I got 7 more pots in I was in tears, my knees were throbbing, my back felt like it would break. It is bad enough pushing myself but my husband had to make comments about me groaning and crying. When I begin to say how I want to do things but when I try I cant, he chimes in with his aches and pains. Always being there to compare and out do my pains with his, to make fun by groaning, it doesnt help me. It diminishes my ability more by destroying my emotional strength. I asked to keep it small this year, not do the usual 3000sq ft garden because I physically CANT do it. He said “all this is for you to sell at the market” (the market that I thought would be busy, I thought would give me purpose, I extend so much energy to make $20. a week) I went in and took pain pills, muscle relaxers and 2 Xanax. Went back out and tried again. 3 more pots and I was on the ground on my back.made the decision that I would do 1 more section then I HAD to be DONE. He carried over the pots for me, There is a 30 ft strip along the fence, usually covered with Sunflowers every season. This year he decided to add Zinnias to the strip along with the Sunflowers. I crawled along, planting the full strip..was glad to be done. Could barely walk back to house and up the stairs.

The drugs were hitting me, dragging my ass back to the house I sat on the edge of the tub in tears, washing down my legs and feet, splashing my face. Feeling incredibly dizzy, shaky, and sick I crawled under the heat blanket in my bed, wrapped the heat pad around my back and fell asleep. I sort of remember him asking me about coming down and watching a movie, not remembering if I answered. I woke about 7pm..shaky, sick to my stomach I headed down to find something to eat. ended up with PB&J. Back to bed after apologizing for being a loser, worthless and not wanting to live like this.

I cant accept this, cant accept the fact that my wants and wishes are always going to be shot down by a body that is struggling to move. To be able to function I have to take drugs, which knock me on my ass and make it impossible for me to function at all. These people that embrace their illness and rejoice in telling people about it and remaining positive must have better support than I do. Maybe they are stronger than me, maybe they havent been worn down physically, mentally and emotionally to the point where they are sick of breathing. They are doing pilates and shopping in malls..how? How are they doing all this when I can barely get out of bed.

No one fucking cares really, my friends are gone, everyone has their own lives, their own troubles. My best friend doesnt even call me to see how I am. My husband really should move on and find happiness because he sure as hell isnt ever going to find it with me anymore.

I am tired of putting on a brave face, tired of being so alone, tired of doctors rushing me out because they know they cant help me. I am just so fucking tired of it all. With no light at the end of my tunnel I have no hope. I wont make it much longer without some change. I cant do it myself since I am a useless, worthless loser who cant even plant a few fucking flowers.

When I wake up each day it is not like how I woke for years or how anyone else wakes. Before I wake my brain realizes my body is in pain, the anxiety begins before I open my eyes, I am sure of this. Once I am stirring, it comes to me what hurts. I adjust to move so the pain doesn’t worsen. Many days I cant even move for a few minutes, a few days I am so paralyzed I can only lay there and cry. I have resolved the morning tears, well, lessened them. I am taking more meds at night. I hate it but it allows me to get more than 2 hrs sleep at a time, even though I wake with a grogginess that lasts for hours.

Once up I have to stay on schedule, eat within the hour, lately I have gone back to caffeine, a cup of coffee in the morning. If I have ANY plans that day I have to have more. I take a multitude of supplements, all to help me function in whatever capacity that day. They make a huge difference in how I feel that day..I would be in bed all day if I didn’t take them plus the meds prescribed. Whatever hurts usually gets some heat, because just standing and making breakfast has worn me out. There is always some kind of confusion like taking the wrong thing out of the refrigerator, or dropping things continually, or forgetting if I added the right ingredients to what I am making. If I have to go anywhere or do anything taking a shower, getting dressed and ready usually wipes me out. When I was working I could barely walk to the car after just breakfast and getting ready.

When you live your life “looking fine” but feeling so awful all you want to do is go back to bed all day it gets to you. It wears you out. The pain and fatigue will drag you down and make you realize how many things you took for granted when you could do all the ‘normal’ things that the rest of the world does. No one could possibly understand unless they ARE the person dealing with it. Knowing that this is your life, pain, anxiety, frustration, sheer exhaustion, not to mention you cant make plans to do anything, your friends don’t want to come around and deal with it, your family is supportive to some extent but not around to help. Your husband has had it, he is so stressed out from listening to you, seeing you, living with someone who lives with chronic pain and fatigue. He only hangs around out of obligation..you would have no insurance if it weren’t for him. You would have no place to live. You would have no money. He is the last string of your old life, that used to be full of energy, life, walking, hiking, working, feeling strong, having any self assurance. It is gone..the string is wearing thin. It will snap..it is a matter of time.

When did I become so dependent..when I got sick. When did I become so unhappy..when I got sick. I am not ready to declare this is my life. I am not ready to embrace that I have some chronic illness and wear purple shirts with purple ribbons and shout it from the rooftops. I just want it all to go away, I want this horrid nightmare to be over. none of this has a silver lining, none of it has happy outcomes. You just get used to being disabled, used to relying on people when you detest doing that, used to asking for help..something I never had to do. Well, I am not used to it, I am not accepting, I am not embracing this. And there is where the problem lies.

Why is it that I get hungry in the middle of the night? I dont normally give in to this but some nights it is too strong. It is a good thing I dont keep any crappy food in the house so I am stuck with tangerines or dried cranberries.

Sleep comes hard most nights, even though I try to wake around the same time each day and GET UP..it is a push..must get up..must eat so I can take the ton of supplements and few scripts that will sustain some sort of energy through the day. It is a schedule yet somedays (seems like Sunday especially) I sleep LATE..Im up at 8 but go back..then wake around 11ish. Always hear about it from my husband. Maybe because I know he is taking care of stuff and if I am sleeping I must need the rest. If sleep comes I give in to it.

I may be new to WordPress, but I had a blog on MySpace years ago. Always revealing to go back and read something that I wrote, seeing how the ebb and flows of life interfered with my life in ways that changed me. I also learned from my old writings that I don’t seem to ever learn a real lesson.

Always thinking of myself as smart, street smart..I still have a serious weak link that eats away at me. I believe too hard and love too easily. It bites me in the ass again and again. I try so hard to not have expectations so I have no let downs but I cannot control what other people do or feel. The situations that have come to pass, still haunt me. They will never go away because the same people are still holding onto those same old hard feelings. What should be claimed as my feelings are always dismissed and outdone by others.

So, I write, draw, paint, and craft whatever comes out of my mind. I have interests in writing a book on poetry, one on love letters, With photographs that I have taken incorporated within them. I would also like to write my life story, I have many pages already and constantly make notes and add to it. Some day right?