The Neuroscience of Relationship Breakups

An unexpected and unwanted breakup can cause considerable psychological distress. People report feeling as if they have been kicked in the stomach or blindsided and knocked down. Feelings of rejection and self-doubt are common, as is the feeling of being stuck and unable to let go, even when one wants to. Friends and family may push the person to get over it and move on, yet brain research suggests this can be very difficult to do, at least in the first few months.

Breakups and the Brain

The research on relationship breakups in unmarried people (generally college students) gives us some clues as to why these events are so subjectively painful. Studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) brain scans show activity in several specific brain areas when rejected individuals see pictures of their ex-partners. Researcher Edward Smith, a cognitive neuroscientist at Columbia University and his colleagues put out fliers in Manhattan and ads on social networking sites to recruit participants who had experienced an unwanted breakup in the last six months. Using fMRI scans, the researchers assessed which brain areas lit up when participants looked at pictures of their ex-partners and simultaneously thought about experiences they had shared together. They compared this to when participants looked at pictures of a friend and were exposed to pain via a hot probe on the arm. The scientists found that the same parts of the brain lit up when individuals looked at the partner pictures or experienced physical pain, but not when they looked at the friend pictures. These brain regions, including the insula and anterior cingulate cortex are known to be associated with pain experience.

fMRI of the brain during a breakup

Our brains appear to process relationship breakups similarly to physical pain. There may be an evolutionary reason for this. The function of pain is to alert the person to physical danger or harm so she can take protective action. In the animal kingdom, one's chances of avoiding predators are much higher as part of a group than alone, therefore social rejection may have been an actual threat to physical survival for our early ancestors. If this is the case, it might partially explain how difficult it is for many people to let go of the ex-partner and move on.

Obsessive Thoughts & "Cravings"

People who have recently been rejected by their partners often develop obsessive thinking. They may ruminate persistently about the ex-partner, how they are feeling, whether they are missing the relationship, and so on. These thoughts or feelings of loss may be triggered by places they used to go to together, people they used to hang out with, holidays, and everyday rituals that were shared. In this sense, processing a breakup is a bit like dealing with a trauma. The person cycles through periods of avoiding the emotional pain and being able to distract herself, and periods of being flooded by intense feelings and obsessive thoughts. There also seems to be a gender difference, in that men are more likely to distract and avoid feelings, and women more likely to obsess and ruminate. This may be because women have been socialized to take more responsibility for relationships, leading to more time spent thinking about what went wrong or what they could have done differently.

Recent research provides some suggestion that there may be physiological basis to these "cravings" for the ex-partner. Lucy Brown, Ph.D.,a Professor in the Department of Neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and her colleagues used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to recorded the brain activity of 15 college-age adults who had experienced a recent unwanted breakup and reported still feeling love for the ex-partner. Upon viewing photographs of their former partners, there was activity in the ventral tegmental area, the nucleus accumbens and orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex. These areas are associated with reward and motivation, specifically, the release of dopamine that is also seen in drug addiction. Therefore, people may experience cravings for their ex-partner similarly to the way addicts crave a drug they are withdrawing from. This can lead to intense distress and physiological as well as psychological discomfort.

One issue with these fMRI studies is that they tend to use a small number of people who respond to advertisements for people who haven't gotten over their ex-partners. We don't know if these people are representative of the average person who goes through a breakup, or whether they answer the ads because they are especially distressed. This needs to be determined in future research. Despite the short-term pain of a breakup, longer term findings indicate that most young people are resilient and recover. College students report feeling significantly less distressed about the breakup after about 10 weeks. Also, other studies have shown brain activity in the craving centers decreased as more time passed since the breakup.

Is there anything we can learn from these findings to help people deal with painful breakups. The analogy to addiction and pain may give people a framework for understanding the intensity of their feelings and can be a basis for developing self-compassion and realistic expectations. You might expect waves of strong emotion or "cravings" for the ex-partner in the initial period. Do not expect yourself to immediately be able to "just get over it and move on." Give yourself time for your feelings in the first few weeks. Distraction and self-care activities may also help. Conditioning theory would suggest that places, people, or activities associated with the ex-partner may be particularly likely to trigger "cravings," so you may want to avoid these for a while and try to develop some new routines. You could try Rick Hanson's approach, focused on reprogramming the brain to think more positively. As with addictions, it helps to have a support group of people you can call on when you're tempted to do something foolish. If your feelings are too intense to manage alone or if you find yourself coping in unhealthy ways, you should speak to a counselor in your area.

It's not surprising that women take on more responsibility for romantic break-ups, and ruminate about what went wrong.

It's so true, that people need time to process, grieve, and let go. One thing I find helpful is to talk to clients about what they gained from the loss? For example, less criticism about appearance, more peace of mind from lack of arguing, etc.

Sadly, and this is mostly women I'm referring to, some hang on to the hope that the relationship will somehow "repair" itself, and with time, their partner will see what they lost...I guess the refusal to move on after a few months, is where the addictive tendencies are activated?

Linda,
Thanks for your comments. I think the perspective of an experienced clinician is a great complement to the research findings. Re refusal to move on, I think there may be a lot of factors. People cling onto the hopes and dreams they had for the relationship - dreams of having kids and family, emotional and financial security, status etc. If the relationship takes away those possibilities, it's difficult to let go of the dream. I also think social isolation, feelings of betrayal, limited resources, past losses or rejections, and attachment schemas can play a role. I think I will write a Part 2 later this week focusing on all that.

Re the focus on positive aspects of the breakup, it's funny that you mention that. I actually wrote a companion post on my own blog (Mari Health Psychologist blog) about an expressive writing study that did help people feel better. Here is the link.

Love the brain search summary as I don't think I'd ever be able or interested in digging all that up! Fascinating. Thank you for doing the hard work of reviewing the research, summarizing and writing about it!

Hi! I love neuroscience and it's great insight to know that the addiction, pleasure and pain centers are all actually involved. Love is a chemical addiction! People sure act like it, and now we have the proof! So difficult to work with those who are addicted to narcissistic, abusive partners....thanks for the post!

I am not surprised that physical and emotional pain is so close together in the brain. Thanks for writing this. I will refer your work to clients suffering from heartbreak.http://irenesavarese.com/blog/

I plan on sharing this with clients. I think they will find an experience of validation in recognizing that their difficulty to move forward has a genuine reason, and is not just a failure to "get over it." That validation may be the piece that helps them begin to heal more successfully.

Thanks Irene & Anne for your comments & referring your clients to the post. I've been sharing it with my clients as well. It does help explain the lingering pain of romantic rejection. If the client feels deceived, taken advantage of, or betrayed, this is even harder to deal with, in my clinical experience.

I wholeheartedly agree with your points. We do minimize emotional pain and expect people to get over it. We now know more about the brain chemistry alterations underlying rejection as well as mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression. People cannot just get over the pervasive negative thinking of depression. We need to keep educating people!

Thank you for validating that the pain people experience with break-ups are equivalent to physical pain. People has their individual means of getting over a breakup, there is no time limit to it, there are some who can bounce back within 6 months and there are some who will take more than that. Good luck to all who are mending a broken heart.

I agree wholeheartedly that recovery time and grief intensity can be vastly different . Circumstances for different people. Circumstances may differ - e.g. wanted vs unwanted; people have different temperaments, other life challenges, knowledge, and support levels.

Thank you for this article!
So my ah, friend has codependent tendencies, especially with putting his own needs last, and tends to jump from relationship to relationship with scarcely a pause.
It seems intuitive that the effect would simply occur to a higher extent in such an individual, I am curious if the effect may not occur at all with a "healthy" person.

There are different attachment styles. About 60 percent of the population are securely attached, which means their childhood needs to be nurtured and protected were adequately met or they were able to gain this sense of security later in life through other relationships, spiritual work, or therapy. Your style of jumping from one to the next may indicate Anxious attachment, which means your needs were met sometimes, but not in a consistent, predictable way. You may want to look into Al-Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous. I'd recommend your friend seek an evaluation from a therapist familiar with attachment.

I read this post with interest as I am currently writing a book about professional relationships at work.

In your post you focus on the breakup of romantic relationships - I am curious are you aware of any research or correlation in regards to the breakup of working relationships? Coworkers who may have worked effectively together and had a falling out at work, would you expect similar symptoms to occur?

I think your piece is really fantastic. I love seeing neuroscience work together with different fields of study!

I was just wondering if you still remember the works you referenced to write this article. I am particularly interested in reading the research about how women are more likely to dwell and be self-critical versus men.

i am a college student, had breakup with my first love reccently. I am suffering with all the symptoms u have mentioned. i love him so much. i have allowed him to do whatever he likes with me. i feel so depressed but i dont think he has any such feeling towards me

I applaud you for reaching out.
Breakups can be very painful and threaten your self-esteem. It's important to seek an evaluation from a counselor if you keep feeling these symptoms. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for the situation as well. Feelings of rejection can sometimes exacerbate and turn into depression. A counselor can determine if this is the case. Go to your local student counseling center or look for a sliding scale clinic in your area if cost is an issue. Check the Find a Therapist section of this website for pricier options.Another resource if you have thoughts of harming yourself is 1-800-273-TALK. This is a national hotline for people in emotional crisis.
Wishing you the best,
Melanie

When I was 2 and a half, my mother finally left my father, taking me far away. I have a major memory of screaming for him from the crib in the hall where we were staying and mother, never even tempered or kind, came roaring up the stairs shut up shut up shut up you ll never see your father again. And I didnt, until I was 28 and found him a hopeless raving alcoholic who raged at me too. I have never married; despite a couple of engagements when young, I never felt able to connect or trust I d be loved, and certainly was not drawn to positive loving men. As recently as 59, I fell for a man who seemed to reciprocate and who abruptly smashed me down in a very ugly way. Emotional pain of relationships is devastating and crippling for me and Ill never be able to trust them or myself enough again. The greatest grief of my life is knowing I ve never been loved. Wondering how my brain was maybe damaged. I didnt even recognize this when young but have reflected and see the pattern. Maybe your research could take you to study more than people at the early stages of their lives.