Didn’t we always dream of being the perfect mom or dad, and raising equally perfect children? But truth trumps fiction every time and when our time as parents came, we had to let go of unrealistic and fantastical goals. We learned that we are also guilty of parenting behaviors that are not the ideal. So, don’t be disheartened if you have normal kids who get into scrapes or talk back or sulk. It only shows they’re human after all.

That said, there are still parenting behaviors you should avoid because the consequences are harmful for the child’s psychological and mental health. The main characteristics of these behaviors are neglect or abuse in any form. Children regularly exposed to them end up with low self esteem and as adults, they will have a hard time maintaining relationships, keeping jobs and becoming independent and self-sufficient. If you want to know what actions and attitudes you should avoid in parenting, here are some guidelines:

Being unduly critical

Children who suffer from a lack of personal value often have an inner voice telling them that they are worthless and stupid, and are doomed to fail in any endeavor they undertake. They are the offspring of parents who are overcritical and demanding. As a parent, you may not actually have said derogatory words but your actions can convey the message in many other ways. Controlling behavior implies the child is incompetent and cannot be trusted to do something successfully. Do you seek perfection in your children by expecting them to achieve the highest grades or the top position in the team? Do you show your disappointment if your child gets an A instead of an A+?

A child who grows up under this environment usually turns into a self-destructive and needy adult who cannot keep a stable relationship.

Controlling your children using money or guilt

Source: Wikimedia Commons

Control of parents is necessary because there will always be decisions that they have to make for their children. But when you cross the boundary of how much control to take, it can become toxic for the children growing up. You are cunningly controlling your children by withholding money if the children are still financially dependent on you. Another way of controlling is by making them feel guilty over a decision they make that is contrary to what you want. Some parents defend their controlling manner as protecting their children. Examples of excessive control are not allowing them to make their own decisions like what they want to wear or the hobbies they want to pursue and later, in their choice of college degree and jobs. They are not permitted to question your decisions or disagree with you and their opinion does not count in family or household matters.

As adults, children who had to toe the line, no questions asked, are unhappy and have a lower life satisfaction. They find it difficult to relax, feel discontented in relationships because they are always putting the needs of their partner first and find it hard to trust other people or to stick to a spiritual belief.

Denying your children their privacy

Source: Josh Hallett. www.flickr.com

Sad but true, some parents think they have the right to know everything that’s going on with their children. And with the advancements in technology and the trends now that were unheard of their time, we can’t exactly blame them for checking on the smartphones to make sure their teenage girl is not sending half naked photos of herself to some boy. But ignoring the boundaries that children crave is harmful to the parent-child relationship and your kid will end up resenting you and will find ways to keep information and other things away from you.

The best you can do as a parent in respecting your child’s privacy is to have a forthright talk with them on core values and propriety, the proper use of the internet and the dangers lurking online. Follow the basic rules of knocking before entering their rooms and not snooping on their chats and text messages. Not giving your children their physical and emotional space will make it difficult for them as adults to respect the boundaries of other people and this can cause problems for them later in life.

Being a distant parent

Source: Pixabay

A distant parent is one who is not there emotionally more than physically. Work might necessitate one parent to be away from the house for long periods of time but emotional distance has more harmful consequences for the child. It shows when you’re not interested in your children’s activities and you listen with only half an ear as they tell you their stories or when you don’t ask how their day went and you’re not there for the important events like a play they are part of, or graduation day. Children need to feel they are important to you and you love them.

Children who grow up in an emotionally barren environment become adults who harbor much pain and anger within themselves. This can hinder them from having a harmonious and stable intimate relationship. They have volatile moods, are harsh on themselves, cannot complete a project and have other negative behaviors due to a lack of self-worth.

As parents, we have always been told to praise and support our children so that they grow up to be confident adults who can overcome life’s challenges. And so, for every little accomplishment they do, we applaud and compliment them endlessly. Then we wonder why, when they grow up, they are not the motivated individuals we envisioned them to be. Could it be that we are praising our kids the wrong way?

In a study by Stanford University psychology professor Carol Dweck, she found that 10-year old students, when confronted with a difficulty, reacted in either of two ways: face it or deny it. She called them the “growth mindset” and the “fixed mindset.”

The children with a growth mindset perspective looked for strategies to solve the problem. They processed the dilemma and engaged in it, believing that they could improve their abilities in arriving at a successful resolution. On the other end, the children with a fixed mindset perspective did not attempt to overcome the problem and viewed it as judging them and putting their intelligence into question.

So how does this relate to praise? Dweck says that our manner of praising our children has a profound effect on the kind of mindset they will form. So how should we encourage them so that they develop a growth psyche? How do we, through positive reinforcement, cultivate their drive to persevere and conquer challenges until they achieve success? Is there a right or wrong way to praise your children? As a matter of fact, there is. Read on and learn how to instill motivation, perseverance and resiliency in our kids to prepare them for success and independence in their future lives.

Image courtesy of bark on Flickr

Praise effort and hard work, not talent and intelligence.

When a child gets high marks in a difficult test and you say, “You’re such a smart kid,” you are praising his intelligence and telling him that it’s something he is born with. And because it’s innate, he’ll believe it’s a fixed characteristic that cannot be enhanced or improved upon. In the face of challenges, he will think that effort is not necessary because he is smart anyway. For example, in taking exams, he won’t have to study as hard because he’s intelligent and can pass it without effort. This kind of praise creates the fixed mindset. Such a perspective will push the child, when confronted with a challenge, to find an easy way out (cheat in the next exam,) or to give up and rationalize that his capability is limited. It will also make him complacent and conceited.

In the same scenario, praising a child for good grades and highlighting the effort he took into studying hard and preparing for the exam creates the growth mindset. In a growth mindset, the child believes that goals are achieved through determination, endeavor and performance and he strives to surmount challenges by trying harder, not giving up. He realizes that achievements are done through effort and determination and he is not restricted by the notion of having an inborn talent or brainpower.

Image by Enokson “I can BEE sincere” on Flickr

Give sincere, not phony, praise.

In prior times, teachers were taught to praise students, especially the slow learners, in order to build their self-esteem and motivate them so that their performance would improve. The result was that teachers were over-praising the low achievers so that it became too common to be meaningful and sounded phony to the students’ ears. Research by psychologist Wulf-Uwe Meyer has found that children can detect sincere from vacuous praise from their teachers and react accordingly. Older children interpreted it to mean they were not doing well but when the teacher criticizes them, it sends the message that the student can improve and do better. To make praise effective for students, recognize good work only when it is not part of the routine or when it is done exceedingly well. Be specific when mentioning a praise-worthy achievement. Cite the methods used or the effort exerted to attain the goal.

Image by Gill_Penney on Flickr

Imitate the Chinese parenting style.

Chinese parents are notorious for not praising their kids. Their reason? Their kids might get swell heads. Instead, they demand the best from their children and show their displeasure when the children fail. An A grade is not good enough; it must be an A+. And when the child does bring home an A+, there’s no congratulatory praise or hug from mom and dad. The children have been brought up to study hard without expectations of reward or praise. That’s why almost all math wizards are Asian. Another factor is the Chinese value of filial piety. In most of Asia, children are expected to be obedient and respect their parents. Excelling in school is one way to show obedience and respect. You don’t have to mimic the Chinese way completely. Shower your kids with love and praise but take a cue from the Eastern world and curb your praise tendencies a bit.

Father’s day or not, dads around the world should be given credit for having an active role in raising their kids. But when talk about family-work balance arises, it’s always mothers who get the focus, thanks to cultural orientation and traditional values. Evolving times have changed all that. Dual income households have become the norm, and with both dad and mom working, responsibility for taking care of the children now fall squarely on both parents. But for working fathers, corporate culture especially in big companies have been slow to adapt to the changes and this makes it harder for male parents to balance fatherhood and a career in such a way that he succeeds in giving both equal importance. [Read more…]

Kids in cars. That’s one of the biggest frustrations of parents, especially if the trip is a rather long one. Every day, though, parents and caregivers take children in cars – to and from school, to after-school activities, and so on. Even on the weekend, there are family activities that may require parents to take their children with them.

Learning a foreign language is not the easiest thing to do, especially if you plan on learning one that is linguistically very different from your native tongue. That said, learning a second or foreign language has always been viewed as something desirable. After all, there are many advantages to knowing more than one language including easier integration for those moving to a foreign place, better business relations for those dealing with people with different nationalities, and a deeper sense of self for those with mixed races and second generation immigrants. Of course, there’s also the matter of learning a new language for pleasure since it opens up new worlds to appreciate as you watch movies and read books in the original language.

But why study Asian languages instead of “more popular” languages like French, German, Italian and Spanish? And what Asian languages should you bother learning?

Believe it or not, the most common spoken language on Earth is actually an Asian language – Mandarin. With over a billion speakers worldwide, Mandarin speakers actually outnumber English speakers by about 150 million, making it THE Asian language to learn, especially if you are targeting the Chinese market with your business.

Nihongo, which is the language spoken by the Japanese, is not nearly as common as Mandarin or any of the other Western languages mentioned above but is still a pretty useful language to learn if you are serious about tapping the Asian market. You cannot ignore Japan’s economic and technological presence in today’s world market, and since majority of the Japanese are not fluent in English, you need to learn their language to get an advantage over your competitors.

Pleasure

If you want to be fluent in an Asian language for pleasure opting for more exotic, albeit less practical, Asian languages like Korean and Thai is the way to go. Both languages look very distinctive with the “letters” unlike any other. You bet that even if people don’t understand a thing you write in either language, they’ll be quite impressed with the pretty writing.

When it comes to the spoken language though Korean is actually very unique and is unlike any other language, being classified as a language isolate. This means that it was not derived from any other language that existed on Earth! Thai, on the other hand, is a mishmash of Pali, Sanskrit and Old Khmer, making for a rather really interesting sounding language. Thai is also considered to be an analytic language and is tonal (like Mandarin), which makes it quite different to learn. So if you are planning on learning Thai on your own, you’d better rethink your strategy because it is pretty unlikely that you’ll end up fluent in the language unless you take Thai classes or have a native speaker as a friend/tutor.

Whatever your motivation may be for learning an Asian language though, keep in mind that you’ll always be in the winning end each time you learn something new.