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A Guide to Fixing UCI

Let’s face it, our campus is flawed in more ways than we can count. This university is bursting apart at the seams as it grows, piling successes on top of failures in a relentless and inexorable march toward the future.
But we may finally have it, a response, the master plan, one plan to rule them all that will make UC Irvine into the perfect university for all eternity. What follows is a half serious, half comical set of some of the issues plaguing this campus, and our suggestions on how to address them.

Parking:
Everyone complains about parking, usually about how expensive it is, but well … whatever. The more pressing parking-related issue has always been the droves of cars parked on a diagonal, bumpers sticking out into the parking spaces adjacent, blocking parking access to others. Parking within the lines might seem like an incredibly trivial issue, but it is a basic skill that anyone who owns a car should be expected to master. After all, it’s not parallel parking. Our suggestion is to slap anyone not parked within the lines with a $25 ticket. It’s the best way to get people to stop parking like fuckheads.

Ring Road:
Walking around Ring Road sucks. It’s an inescapable fact of life. People shove flyers in your face, try to get you to go to whatever shitty club event they’re throwing or yell at you to buy their crappy boba. To every student organization selling anything on Ring Road, we know exactly what we want, don’t tell us that we want to buy whatever it is that you’re selling. We don’t. Stop yelling. But I digress. Ring Road could be vastly improved by a conveyor belt along Aldrich Park around the inner ring. It would make travel around campus awesome, futuristic for some reason. We could all just step on and jet off to class in effortless style. How cool is that?

Resident Advisors:
RAs can be a mixed bag. Fortunately the majority seems to be good/chill/cool, but wouldn’t it be awesome if all RAs were replaced with Cyberdyne Systems Model 101s? It would be a giant leap forward in turning this campus into a real life Hunger Games. Imagine evading RA-bots while out breaking curfew. They’re tracking you, those “cybernetic organisms.” Hasta la vista.
Student Center Bell Tower:
The bell tower should play music, a different song for every hour. We could have a distinctive campus playlist.

Aldrich Park:
UCI maintenance needs to let all the vegetation in Aldrich Park grow unencumbered for five years. The park will be transformed into a magical forest, a jungle, an arena for the imagination. Anything could happen. As Ajay Sidhu says in “Jurassic Park: The Lost World,” “stay out of the tall grass.”
UCI paintball tournament:
Hold it on campus, utilize the tunnels, the “tall grass” in the park and include an awesome prize for the winner. Absolutely nothing can go wrong. Add in some snipers in the bell tower and some paint artillery for good measure.

Bridges:
Effective immediately, all campus bridges should be replaced with rickety, wooden-plank-rope-bridges. It goes without saying that the Bridgekeeper from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” would take shifts guarding each one.
It’s week 9 guys, time to seize life and go streaking through Gateway Study Center while yelling “YOLO” — or you can be a derp. It’s your choice. We #dgaf.

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