A Quicky with Farrah Abraham and Chris Nieratko

I am no longer a hoarder. As a child I amassed thousands of comic books. In my teenage years it was Star Wars toys. In my 20s I began seeking out and buying up old, classic skateboards. Then I turned 30, got married, had kids, and realized I don’t really care to have heaps of crap cluttering up my life. But there is still one thing I can’t help but stockpile: celebrity sex tapes.

I’ve got them all. From the original sex tape of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, to Paris Hilton’s night vision fuck, to the only worthwhile thing Kim Kardashian has ever done in her entire existence, to Saved by the Bell’sScreech giving two girls a dirty Sanchez in a Vegas hotel room, to the unearthed 8mm threesome that may or may not be Jimmy Hendrix, and all the other D-Listers that hoped to become B-Listers by selling their “stolen” sex tapes.

Up until recently my personal favorite was the Tom Sizemore tape. I already knew how awesomely insane he was from friends who had worked with him prior to watching him try to have sex with two prostitutes in a hotel room with a coked-out wet noodle, but the level of raw, unscripted depravity in his sex video took his legend status to new heights. At the time of filming Sizemore was in and out of court with the trial of LA madam Heidi Fleiss, and his relationship with the pimpess was paraded all over the evening news. In his porno we got to see just how affected Sizemore is when he says, “Fuck the LA police department. Fuck them. I hope 22 cops die tonight and they all have a lot of children.” (You can read my review from seven years ago here.)

As sexy as Sizemore’s sweaty, slovenly body was I got the seven-year-itch and found a new favorite celebrity sex star: TV’s Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham. Prior to this tape I’d never heard of her, but she is hands down the best person to ever do a celebrity sex tape. Her body is flawless. She goes straight for butt sex. She squirts. She masturbates in the back of a limousine. The male talent, James Deen, is an actual porn star and so the cinematography is top-notch porn quality; the best we’ve ever seen in a celebrity sex tape. Is it an actual personal sex tape or just a straight up porno made for resale? Who cares? She takes it in the can with a zeal that even most seasoned porn stars don’t exude on screen.

(This is neither here nor there, but I’m a HUGE fan of the phrase, “take it in the can.” This is perhaps one of my favorite 80s lines ever.)

Most of the “celebrities” who make these tapes shun the porn industry. They’re happy to get the sexposure and capital gains of being in porn, but they pretend like they’re not in a porno. Farrah Abraham, on the other hand, is embracing the porn industry, going so far as to make a signing appearance at the Vivid Booth at the recent Exxxotic Expo in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. So I flew down to get some face time with Farrah and try to get her to give me a PSA on the PMA of anal. (As well as get some porn girls to give back to the Oklahoma Tornado victims.)