Post navigation

Homeschool Mom Interviews: Asha Dornfest

A few weeks ago, I attended and spoke at a conference called Mom 2.0 Summit in New Orleans, Louisiana, and I had the pleasure of talking with a dear friend and writing/blogging mentor of mine Asha Dornfest. I’ve known Asha since I starting blogging in 2005, and we’ve stayed in close touch since then. But for the past couple of years, she’s been homeschooling her son; I decided that our meeting in New Orleans was a perfect time to pick her brain about some questions I was having about my own homeschooling path. I was so inspired and encouraged by her wisdom that I felt compelled to interview her and share her wonderful insight with you.

You may know Asha as she is the founder and publisher of Parent Hacks, a site that has been described as “MacGyver meets parenting.” Dumbfounded by how little her experience of parenting resembled how it was portrayed in culture and even how it looked for friends and family, Asha soon found that all of her pre-birth “preparation” amounted to very little, and the best advice came on the fly from other parents. She started Parent Hacks in 2005 as a place to collect and share that advice.

She was married to her husband Rael for six years before the arrival of her son *Luke in 1999 and daughter *Mimi in 2003. Both Asha and Rael, who works for Twitter fulltime as an engineer, work from home and participate actively in homeschooling their son.

*Luke and Mimi are not their real names.

1. Tell me a bit about how you decided to homeschool.

I will be honest: the decision to homeschool was a last resort. It came after Luke’s disastrous three-year skid through two public schools and a private school.

On the surface, he could function pretty well in most settings. But because of his lack of social skills in the classroom and on the playground, he was in trouble most of the time. Despite school changes and myriad medical, dietary, therapeutic and behavioral interventions, his social learning just couldn’t keep up, and each year he fell further and furtherbehind. Academically, he was flying, but socially and behaviorally, he was floundering.

The compounding effect on his health and self-esteem was alarming. We made the decision to bring him home during the middle of fourth grade.

2. I’m seeing more “mixed schooling” families, including ours (up until recently). How did you decide to homeschool your son and not your daughter?

Our decision to homeschool Luke had to do with his safeguarding health and sense of self. It was not a philosophical rejection of school. Our daughter Mimi is as socially gifted as Luke is socially challenged, and she was loving kindergarten. The last thing we wanted to do was to further rock her day-to-day life by taking her out of school.

Now, more than a year into homeschooling Luke, I can see the incredible academic and social benefits to homeschooling. Mimi would thrive as a homeschooler. But she’s also getting so much from her time at the neighborhood school, that we will take this decision a year at a time.

3. You’ve described yourself as being someone who never thought they would homeschool. I know I and many other moms can relate. What changed your mind?

My general attitude about learning is that kids don’t need the “ideal” environment all the time…some hardship (within reason) makes for a more meaningful learning experience. We learn most from the challenges in our life, and smoothing every bump in the road for our kids only delays that learning.

For Luke, however, the social challenges in school were burying him. Most kids his age could place a scolding from the teacher or a playground argument in context and learn from them. He couldn’t. He simply felt bullied, victimized, and alone.

It took us a long time to recognize just how threatened he felt every day at school. That fear came out as anger, and, eventually, as severe depression and other health problems. We had tried every intervention *except* a radical change in his environment, and we were still watching him slip away. This was our last, best hope.

4. What curriculum approach/teaching style do you use and how did you determine it?

More than any other time, we’ve had to trust our gut on this, and it was scary. When Luke left school, he needed recovery time more than anything else, so we focused on outings, reading, and time together. We had to focus on healing, so academics took a back seat. Besides, he was already academically ahead of his peers.

Since then, we’ve taken a combination of approaches, all of which start with Luke’s interests. Rael is a natural teacher with a passion for math and programming. He sits down with Luke every morning for an hour of math at Khan Academy, or they do a Scratch programming project.

I’m more of an explorer type, so my approach is “what should we do today?” Sometimes we write, other times we hike or go on outings, and sometimes it’s just errands and household stuff. Everything we do gives Luke practice with flexibility, responsibility, and social skills in different environments.

He also has weekly occupational therapy, a social skills drama group, an outdoor education class, and a construction class through our local homeschool co-op.

5. Summarize your homeschool philosophy in a few sentences.

Homeschooling turns education inside out in the best way. Instead of sitting inside a classroom to learn about the world, you go out into the world to learn directly. Subjects like “math,” “reading,” and “science” become part of a larger, more integrated whole.

6. What’s been the most surprising part of homeschooling?

How much *I* love it. I was afraid my sense of balance would fly out the window. When Luke left school, that balance had already been tenuous for years given our near constant state of crisis. But, once we got settled in, homeschool has given our entire family a *greater* sense of balance. We’re all closer, we’re all calmer, and we’re all happier. That goes for Mimi as well.

I still struggle with the logistics of fitting in work, school, home, friends, and time for myself. But I was doing that when both kids were in school. There’s a feeling of peace and continuity that homeschooling has given us that just never existed before.

7. What have you learned most about your son and about yourself during your homeschool journey?

Oh, wow. Hard to sum this one up as it’s so wide-ranging.

About Luke: I learned that his interpretation of seemingly obvious events is completely different than mine (and most peoples’). For example, when a teacher looks at him crossly, he interprets that as a threat…a true, physical threat. That was impossible to understand until I watched it play out at home…with me. A more positive example: when he’s in a supportive group environment, his natural humor and showmanship come out. When he was in school, most of his off hours were spent trying to recover, so I rarely saw this side of him.

For me: I’ve learned so much about myself, my learning style, and my weaknesses! I’ve had to get serious about organizing myself — not only my time and space but my thought processes. I’ve come to recognize that my positive (some would say Pollyanna) tendencies don’t solve every problem. The biggest benefit has been a burst in confidence. Parenting a kid so different than me has been hard on my confidence because so often my initial reaction is off. Plus navigating a world of medical, educational, and nutritional experts has made it hard to listen to my own internal “voice.” (Sort of like those early years reading all the parenting books.) But homeschooling has changed that. Many thought we were nuts to take Luke out of school. But seeing him thrive now, watching him laugh and identify his own passions and strengths…no one is questioning that decision now.

8. When we spoke at Mom 2.0, you said something that stuck with me about the whole socialization issue that many people have with homeschooling because I’ve never heard anyone describe school as being isolating. Usually it’s the other way around. Elaborate on that for me.

Kids in school are constrained by time (the hours they spend at school and doing homework), peer group (they spend most of their time with kids the same age and very few adults) and location (they are inside the school grounds most of the day). Homeschooling removes those constraints. You can create an educational setting that works for your schedule. It takes place in the actual world kids are learning about. And it places them in a more diverse social context, giving them the chance to interact with kids and adults of all ages and walks of life.

I’m not anti-school by any means. I loved school all the way from kindergarten to the last day of college, and I am grateful for those years. But for kids for whom the social requirements of school are detrimental, homeschooling is an incredible way for them to learn.

9. Share 3 tips for parents thinking of homeschooling their kids.

1. Don’t be afraid. Only good can come out of giving homeschooling a try. Even if your homeschool adventure lasts a single year, it will be a year to remember, and there will be no lasting academic harm.

2. Be open minded. In a way, it’s just like having a baby. You probably have some deep-seated values about how things “should be,” much of which will change with actual experience. Homeschooling gives
you a chance to broaden your definition of learning, and the time to explore different methods.

3. Have fun! When you don’t have to cram activities into the couple hours after school but before dinner, the world opens up in wonderful ways. Go do all the stuff with your kid you’ve always meant to do “when you have time.” This is when true learning happens, for both of you.

10. If you had to create a motto for your homeschool, what would it be?

Everything is education.

Special thanks to Asha for sharing a bit about her homeschooling journey. Look for more homeschool mom interviews soon!

Kristen Chase is a mom of 4, writer, and co-publisher of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, a popular shopping and trendspotting blog for moms. She’s a 2nd generation homeschooler, having been taught middle and high school by her own mother back when people were still using quills and ink wells, and is now a very well-adjusted and socialized homeschool mom herself.

Comments

Heidi

Wow, Asha, thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I am a mom of a sweet second grade boy with asperger’s, and it does feel to me also, that every day at public school for him is a battle. It breaks my heart sometimes. It’s nice to hear that homeschooling works for you. Thanks, Kristen, for the great interview.

Catherine

Thank you for this. We have decided to join the ranks of “mixed schooling” families next year. My two older boys will attend 4th and 5th grade, but I will homeschool my youngest son (1st grade) and preschool aged daughter. There is no “one size fit all solution,” even within the same family. Hearing others’ personal journies through homeschooling is so helpful as we embark on this new adventure.

Cindy15905

Fabulous interview! Interesting, insightful, and to the point. My favorite concept was that although a positive outlook helps, it will not solve every problem. It took me over 5 years to accept this with my 3rd child. Looking back, I wish one of my friends had been able to convince me sometimes tough choices have to be made and the sooner the better in most cases. Although I am a true, blue, glass half-full girl to the end, I now try to see things for how they truly are instead of how I wish they would be. Thanks again, Kristen!

stephanie

thank you, thank you! what a great interview … at the perfect time for us : although we decided on homeschool kindergarten two months ago, a zero approval letter from the school district for our transfer requests arrived yesterday, and asha’s experience and confidence will move us forward with our own bit of excitement and trepidation … it was always our hope, but this just confirms it :

“Have fun! When you don’t have to cram activities into the couple hours after school but before dinner, the world opens up in wonderful ways. Go do all the stuff with your kid you’ve always meant to do “when you have time.” This is when true learning happens, for both of you.”

thanks, again!

Beth

Great interview! The one thing that she mentioned that struck me was the “school is isolating”. That is exactly how I felt through much of my own school experience(until college), and interestingly, how my older son felt as well. He had a great deal of difficulty with the social aspects of school, and as a result, was withdrawn and lacked any self-confidence. Now, two years later people comment constantly on his self-confidence and social grace.

Jennifer C

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is nice to see how homeschooling can be integrated into the family life. Did you have any push back from your husband or your family. If I mention the idea of eventually homeschooling my 2 1/2 yr old my family is immediately resistant. I like how you discuss socialization because when I talk about homeschooling everyone says he will not get the socialization he needs. Again what a wonderful interview!

Anita

Very interesting insights.

texasbighair

Asha-my sweet 9 year old son has Asperger’s and a myriad of other conditions that come with being an Aspie. (ADHD, OCD, mild Torettes, etc) I have him in a small Catholic school with 2 of my other kids and we are taking it year-by-year. We are not happy with all his treatments and meds thus far and are on a waiting list to see a new doctor and explore other options. School is very hard on him and I read this link to educate myself on homeschooling-just in case. It makes me very nervous though! I want to make sure he is keeping up. Thank you for sharing. We will see what happens next year!

http://www.houseunseen.blogspot.com -dweej

What a fantastic interview! I’m so behind on my reading but have been really praying about God’s call for us to homeschool, so it was wonderful to open up my reader and see this 🙂

http://wedontbuyit.blogspot.com/ Laura

Jennifer C, your wondering about socialization prompts me to ask some questions in return (not directed directly at you, but to anyone thinking about this):

When was the last time you, or anyone you know, were in a social setting or work setting where you were all from the same neighborhood and were the same age? It’s not reality, is it? The classroom set up is only real in its own context. No where in the real world is this age segregation true. (Except maybe senior centers).

I’ve heard of schools where the children are not allowed to talk during lunch time–they want the kids to eat and not be distracted, so they can go out for recess. Where in the real world are people not allowed to talk as they break bread with one another? A monastery? A prison during certain restrictive times?

At my local school, the kids were disallowed from inventing their own games at recess, because there were sometimes hard feelings when some kids didn’t understand the rules and felt left out or thought that it was unfair. This one has me blinking. No creative game invention during the kids’ open recess time?! My kids are creating games all day long–it is one of the ways kids are creative and helps then work together in a coordinated way. It helps them organize themselves and think through problems together. It sharpens speaking skills and listening skills. It strengthens their powers of persuasion.

My kids have friends from different backgrounds, neighborhoods, and ages. Would they have that if they were schooled? Perhaps, but maybe not so readily.

Socialization is a different word from socializing–it has a different meaning. My kids are well socialized, meaning they know how to get along well with others and are polite and can even meet an adult’s gaze. They know they are a valid member of a group. My kids have fun socializing and can spend hours at park day with other kids from our homeschool group and through activities and classes through the week and through meeting with friends (they’re at the age where we have to drop the term “playdate”). They are not socially awkward–far from it. They have rich, fulfilling friendships with all sorts of kids of all ages. They enjoy the parents of their friends as well and count them as friends too.

Jennifer C., when your family speaks of socialization, what do they mean exactly? Are they concerned about your son’s ability to get along well with others? Are they thinking he will be socially awkward? Are they thinking he won’t know the common language of recess and lines and hand raising and bullying? Are they concerned he won’t have friends? People throw that word around and then when you start to honestly examine it, it falls apart fairly quickly.

Sara

I loved every word of this. Thanks so much!

carole

Wow, thanks so much for this article! I feel like it could be our story. Our son was also diagnosed with Aspergers in 2nd grade and he struggled along until 5th grade. We brought him and his younger sister home at the end of his 5th grade year and her 3rd grade year. It has been such a huge blessing for our family. The level of stress has pretty much disappeared and he is able to stop worrying about being where he’s supposed to be and wondering if he has everything he needs. Our daughter has changed dramatically too. She has always been shy. She even wanted to stop wearing her glasses after everyone kept telling her how nice they looked. She said she didn’t like to know that people were always looking at her! Since she’s been home she has blossomed! She is now on the worship team at church and performs on stage with 6 or 7 other kids. Homeschooling has been wonderful for our family and I am thankful that we’re able to do it!

http://rowenleaf.blogspot.com Sarah

Asha that was wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing your insight with us! I started homeschooling for a child with ADD.& developmental issues.years ago and loved it. She was also being beaten up by the system and thrived at home. That was 20 years ago. Now my 12 year old is on the other end of the spectrum..very gifted and nowhere to go with it in public school. Despite being in a Science Magnet..he is not learning new things or thriving and hating the experience. This Fall we are back at home.
I love what you said about socialization..right on the money! Wonderful interview..wonderful post!!
Thank you, Sarah

http://www.parenthacks.com Asha {Parent Hacks}

I hear you, Heidi. 2nd grade was such a hard year for Luke. And while I believe homeschooling was the catalyst for things really turning around for him, I also know that every year of growth helps, too. Many parents I talk to who have “quirky” kids (diagnosed or not) see to talk about maturity being “our friend.”

That said, there was a time that depression was overshadowing, indeed STOPPING, all of Luke’s development, so in our case wait-and-see has to be balanced with acknowledging what was really going on.

http://www.parenthacks.com Asha {Parent Hacks}

A fellow optimist! Thank you for recognizing this point…it’s an easy one to dismiss. But for “it’ll be fine” people like us, it can be difficult to recognize true, persistent problems with our kids when so often time and continuity is the answer and it really *will* be fine.

For a number of years, when Luke was struggling hardest, my positive nature took a serious beating. It’s scary to let go of your “but everything always turns out okay” security blanket. But, I’m proud to say, everything IS okay now…it just took a lot of effort and definitive action to get here. Here’s to a balanced, realistic view of life that retains a positive outlook.

http://www.parenthacks.com Asha {Parent Hacks}

No pushback from my husband. It was a joint decision. Some extended family members thought we were ruining Luke’s life, but, aside from lots of “but what about…?” questions, kept the extent of their feelings to themselves.

Socialization: it’s just not a problem. There are so many options for socializing as a homeschooler! More, in fact — most group environments for homeschoolers are much more open and forgiving than a traditional classroom, so kids can more easily talk and get to know each other. The playground and the lunchroom aren’t the ideal social environments for some kids.

That said, I think there IS a drawback if you live in a neighborhood with a strong local school (as I do). Homeschool friends are spread far and wide, while school friends live around the corner. Luke has often wished for more neighborhood friendships. But, for him, playing “pickup” games is socially tricky. Most kids have no problem homeschooling, then playing in the neighborhood after school hours.

I would suggest, if you truly want to do it, to propose doing it for a year. During that year, your whole family could learn more about what homeschooling entails, and see that the social aspect is not a problem. I expect people would come around. You know…I used to be one of those people who asked the homeschool/socialization question myself! It took actually doing it before I could really understand.

Tallymomma

This is wonderful to hear. I have a son on the higher functioning side of Autism, age 7, and he has so far been to 2 different schools. The long days are just so tough for him and the pressure they put on him to perform for the states/standardized test (FL has a lot of them) is just so wearing. His is on grade level academically but is emotionally/behaviorally around age 3. It is good to hear success stories of homeschooling a special needs child as everyone tries to scare you out of taking them out of public school. This may be a great option for us as well, thanks for sharing.

CathleenB

Maybe you can look into a virtual school like K12. They have the curriculum for you so you don’t have to be overwhelmed with choices. I put off homeschooling my son for way too long. I’m so happy I made the choice, but in hindsight I would have homeschooled much earlier then I actually did.

CathleenB

Asha, you took the feelings in my heart and put words to them. What you wrote is exactly what is happening in our family now. I was so scared of trying to homeschool my son. We went through too many years of struggles and watching a little peice of your child wilt and wither every day is horrible. I have been homeschooling him since February and the stress level has gone down so much. I have two children in elementary school that I am going to homeschool next year. It’s sad when the 7 and 10 yr old can recognize how homeschooling their older brother has helped our family, and they want in on this! Thank you again for putting my thoughts and feelings into beautiful words 🙂

http://www.thecentsiblelife.com Kelly

My experience with my oldest son mirrors yours almost exactly. My son has Asperger’s as well. He also had trouble in public school and we pulled him out to homeschool after 3 years. People were shocked and dismayed and annoyed that I let him take so much time off as you said to let him recover but he needed it desperately.

We spent 3 years homeschooling and it was the best decision we ever made. His sisters and soon brother will all take a different path and I feel strongly that every child needs to have their needs met based on them-not on what we think they should do. That meant I had kids in 4 different places and I was ok with that.

My son went back to public school this year and while I was very nervous it has been a phenomenal experience for us all. He is still socially awkward, but he’s mature enough now to handle his frustrations better, and he is doing spectacularly. It helps that the school district (a new one) and his teachers are amazing. It helps that he understands what his Asperger’s means now. Mostly it helps that he had time to explore the world on his own, with help from me to help him be more socially aware.

Thanks for sharing this interview Kristen, and being so open Asha!

MNCaroline

Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us. We are mixed schoolers too! (3 kids)
Our daughter has high-functiong autism and did fairly well in her small, Christian school, but as the years went by she became more and more stressed, tired, and sick. (She struggled academically as well as socially and would internalize all of the stress.) We decided to homeschool her starting with 7th grade. I, too, thought I could never homeschool. I was nervous and scared but it has become a wonderful time together. (We’re now ending our 4th year.) We have made sure she has outside activities to be involved in – some are with “regular” homeschool groups, some are with special needs groups and she has increasingly attended small social skills classes (special ed) at our public school. She has become much happier, calmer, more social and expressive. Yes, our autistic child became more social by staying home! I agree that school can be very isolating for a child who is “different”. Homeschooling and the ability to focus on her education needs and interests has been the best answer for her.

http://katievarela.etsy.com KatieV

Awesome interview! We are just starting the homeschooling journey, and I am encouraged reading this. 🙂

http://cowpattysurprise.blogspot.com Nezzy (Cow Patty Surprise)

What a wonderfully eye~openin’ profound interview with this wonderful gal! This Ozark Farm Chick truly enjoyed the read! :o)

Ya’ll have a blessed and beautiful spring day from the sunny hills and hollers of the muddy Missouri Ponderosa!!!

http://www.rookiemoms.com RookieMom Whitney

Asha and Kristen, reading this made me extremely emotional. I cried at my desk because I could taste the anguish that Asha has gone through to find what would work for Luke, and the love and empathy demonstrated by your families choice are so moving.

When I struggled to conceive, my friend advised me that the baby who would one day arrive was just teaching me early what other parents learn later: you don’t get to choose their timing or their development paths — all you can do is respond.

It is inspiring to hear about your change of perspective and the flexibility you’ve adopted. Thanks for sharing. I think these lessons will apply to all of us at some time, homeschooling or not.

Laura

“When we spoke at Mom 2.0, you said something that stuck with me the whole socialization issue that many people have with homeschooling because I’ve never heard anyone describe school as being isolating. ”