Exclusive: Coldplay to Punish Fans for Accelerating Tourdate Leak

November 10, 2005

CRIZ MARTIN

Earlier this week, Coldplay announced their “Twisted Logic Tour” with a special “twist”: The band would unlock one new date with every 33,000 visits to their website.

Blame the band’s fandom or Coldplay-hating hackers (though not phreakers), but all 24 dates were unlocked by Wednesday, and now the band had no choice but to confirm all their dates on MTV News.

If that were it! Chris Martin, lead singer of the popular British rock band, was understandably angry his plan had been foiled. What’s less understandable are the similarly statistical measures Martin is taking to “punish” his fans when his band appears in their towns. Riff Raff has scored exclusive details on Martin’s post-punk’d plan to reinstall the crude violence and suspense the “Twisted Logic Tour” originally promised:

Every 300 people who arrive at their town’s Coldplay concert, Chris Martin will prank call his wife and tell her he is going to murder their daughter. Since the crowd might react in disgust, every 150 people Martin will call his wife and say, “Listen, in a few minutes I’m gonna say something crazy.”

At the beginning of each show, Chris Martin will scroll his cell phone number across the projection screen and dare the audience: “Go ahead, text me. See if I can read.” Within seconds he will complain about how he just received 10,000 messages and his provider only gives him 300 texts per month, and will retaliate “twisted logic style” by sending the audience picture messages of the audience until the universe explodes.

Since their new album is entitled X&Y, and since historically speaking, Coldplay is for the children, Chris Martin has brought on tour a team of embryologists who, as the concert progresses, will genetically engineer a child. Each embryologist is equipped with a text-enabled cell phone, and the audience will text the embryologist of their choice with the letter “X” or “Y”, depending on which gamete they would like the scientist to add to the test tube. At the end of the show, Chris Martin will eat the baby.