Time For These Celebrities To Get Packin’

Connor Hazelton

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Well, it happened. Donald freakin’ Trump won the election. Am I the biggest Trump supporter? That I am not but I’m also not losing my mind about him winning the election. It happened, so now instead of crying like a bunch of whiny children, we need to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward as a country. For the record I also do not like Hillary Clinton whatsoever. You have to think she just vanishes from the face of the Earth now. How in God’s name do you lose the election against the only person alive you could have beat? Crazy stuff, man.

Anyways now that I’m done with that rant, it’s time to talk about all of the celebrities who said they would move to another country if Trump won. First things first, I think you are a total asshole if you say you’re going to move to another country if the candidate you don’t want is elected. My response to you is that regardless of who our president is, this is the best country on the planet, and you should be damn proud to be an American and that you get to live here. So, if you want to leave this great country, don’t let the door hit you on the way out you dickhead… End rant. Now, as far as the celebrities who said they’re going to leave the country go, I only want to touch on a few of them, some of the ones I feel more passionate about.

Lena Dunham

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This was probably the biggest positive of Trump winning the election. I cannot stand Lena Dunham, she is the absolute worst. She’s not funny, cries when other celebrities don’t acknowledge her, shoves her feminist beliefs down my throat (which for the record I have no problem with feminists, but a hardcore feminist or any type of person annoys the shit out of me), and throws temper tantrums when she gets bullied on social media, which yeah, nobody wants to get bullied, but come on, you loser. You’re a millionaire for God’s sake, what the hell do you care if some loser who lives in his parents’ basement makes fun of you? Did I mention she’s not funny? So yeah, get packing Lena Dunham, America is better off without you.

Samuel L. Jackson

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Unlike the aforementioned Lena Dunham, I love Samuel L. Jackson and do not want to see him go. Jackson is truly one of America’s greatest treasures and is a big reason to why our country rocks. He’s an awesome actor who kills it in every Tarantino movie he’s in, and is also pretty freakin’ hilarious. Listen Samuel L., I understand how you hate Trump, that’s fine, but don’t leave this country, you are America.

Chelsea Handler

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Another celebrity I don’t want to see leave the country. Chelsea Handler is so goddamn funny (yeah I think women can be funny, don’t @ me). Handler has been a huge Trump hater from the get-go, and while I understand and respect someone’s political beliefs, she’s someone I don’t want to see leave. I would put her up there as one of the funniest celebrities out there and losing her would be depriving America of a great comedian. The last thing America needs right now is to become less funny.

Miley Cyrus

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To be honest, I don’t really feel one way or the other about Miley Cyrus. I think she’s obviously very talented but also kind of annoying. Some of her songs I can get down with, others don’t really do it for me, so I’m pretty much indifferent to her. If she wants to stay, great, but she says she wants to leave the country, go ahead and leave, I guess. I apologize to everyone for not being able to muster up enough feelings to care about Miley Cyrus and whether she moves to another country or not. I will thank her for “We Can’t Stop” though, that song bangs.

Spike Lee

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Spike Lee is an asshole and you will never get me to think otherwise… Well, if he gave me a large sum of money I could probably like him because I’m easily bought. Like I said about Lena Dunham earlier, I have no problem with people expressing their opinions and beliefs about topics they feel strongly about because that’s what makes America so great, being able to have a voice and express yourself. But when you are shoving your opinions down my throat, no matter what topic it’s on, then I hate you. Lee is a very big advocate for Black Lives Matter, while I support the cause and think it’s good that awareness is being brought up about the subject, he just won’t stop shoving his beliefs in my face. So get lost Spike Lee, you’re a bandwagon Knicks fan anyway, you poser.

Keegan-Michael Key

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Key and Peele is one of my all time favorite shows, so if Keegan-Michael Key moved to another country I would be crushed. I think he is one of the most talented comedians/actors in the business today, he can pretty much make me laugh with anything he’s in. Key is one of the few joys I have in my life, and if he moved away from America I would feel empty inside. It’s not that I necessarily want him to stay, it’s more of a I need him to stay. Don’t do this to me, Key.

As much as I hate people saying they’re going to leave the country if _____ is elected president (in this case Donald Trump), there are a few people (mainly celebrities because I don’t really care about your everyday average Joe Schmo) who would absolutely crush my soul if they left the country. So here’s my plea to you Samuel L. Jackson, Chelsea Handler, and Keegan-Michael Key, USA! USA! USA! USA! Also I’d be very sad if you moved, so do the right thing and stay in our great country. And if you do decide to leave I’ll probably just go about living my everyday life. Either way, please consider staying.