YOUNG AUTHORS GREENHOUSE

Self-Care Ideas for President Trump

In these scary times under the Trump administration, it’s important for everyone to look after themselves — even Donald Trump. While the president is always thinking of ways to help his corporate cronies, fellow-autocrats, and oligarchic lenders, once in a while he needs to stop worrying about other people and put himself first. Here are a few self-care activities for the sort-of leader of the kind-of free world:

Tweeting misspelled falsehoods in between photo ops with people you’re about to betray is hard work. Blow off some steam with a boys’ night with your two wild and crazy Steves! Play a little poker, destroy the Clean Water Act, pig out on McDonald’s, dismantle modern civilization into a feudal economy, watch the big game, terrify small children who see clearly into your rotted souls—just the usual “guy stuff.”

Meditate to block out negative sources of energy like paid protesters, fake approval ratings, and reality. It’s helpful to repeat a single mantra over and over, such as “tremendous.”

Pets and laughter are terrific stress-relievers when the paperwork piles up. After signing a bill that takes money from poor people and gives it to rich people, lean back in a large desk chair, slowly stroke a cat, and cackle maniacally.

It’s difficult to keep the romance alive with the First Lady when you’re living in the White House and she’s hiding from you in a Trump Tower panic room. Treat yourself and Melania to a seven-course candlelit dinner at McDonald’s. “Check in” with each other: ask how she’s doing, if you’re still as handsome now as the day you met or handsomer, where she’s from again? Then, over dessert, tenderly renegotiate the non-divorce bonus to December 2020.

Your children can be a source of comfort, too, so spend some quality time with Ivanka and what’s-their-names — you know, those ones. A fun family game is “Whose insufficiently unquestioning loyalty gets them cut out of the will?”

Need to get away from it all? Enjoy a relaxing break at the White House, “the Monday-to-Thursday Mar-a-Lago.”

Get positive feedback by asking people you work with to say something nice about you that hasn’t already been said and verified by well-informed Infowars commenters. Make it a friendly competition: the person with the best compliment receives a bottle of asbestos-free Trump water, and the one with the worst has to defend you in a press conference while reversing position halfway through.

Feeling a little “knotty”? Pamper yourself the way sitting presidents have since Lincoln: construct and visit one of your branded massage parlors in China.

Get some exercise with your pal Tom Brady by “throwing a bomb” with the “nuclear football” while the guy who normally holds it poses for photos and “inadvertently reveals his identity to foreign saboteurs.”

Proper rest is crucial; instead of waking up early to hate-watch CNN, try decadently sleeping in until three a.m.

Splurge on a vacation to Europe to radically misinterpret the lessons of history, alienate our remaining allies, and sample the delicious foreign McDonald’s.

Actual governing is a lot less enjoyable than scapegoating minorities and the media at campaign rallies, and Washington is a boring, unwelcoming town. Consider retiring to a fun-filled place where you’ll get a much friendlier reception, and spend your golden years in the sun and surf of St. Petersburg, Russia.