I just wanted to say I feel for you! I know how scary it is when the CEA is just rising and things are looking scary. But you still have so many options, so that's a big positive.

You are a great wife and I am sure he appreciates everything you do. I'm not trying to give you advice as I don't know all the details. If this doesn't apply to you, just 100% discard it! But with my boyfriend, I REALLY try to be extra compassionate and understanding. It's hard, but he is the one whose life is in danger and I can't pretend I know what that's like, though the thought of losing him is almost worse than the thought of dying. So it's hard to really get what he's going through. I felt so much responsibility and guilt for a while, and when I talked to my boyfriend about it, he totally disagreed and was like "Don't worry, it's my life and it's my responsibility. If I die, that's 100% on me". I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly. But I just know how hard it is to be rational during rough times, for both the patient and the caregiver. You're doing a great job! <3

I want to thank all of you. Some stuff wasd hard to read but necessary and wise.

In terms of "owning his cancer" it hasn't been a choice or motto among us. It's that "In this family no one fights alone". We're not given a choice in this as a patient, caregiver, friend, relative etc. No one wakes up in the morning and says "What to do today? Hmm maybe I'll try cancer" like it's a brand of coffee creamer.

Mohrfamily wrote:5FU comes off today and says he actually feels better on chemo "I must be messed up" he says, in a funny way.

I think that is understandable or at least I can totally relate to it. I was terrified when they told me that they did not think I should do chemo after my surgery. There is a sense of security that comes with being on the medication, even if it makes you feel god-awful physically, at least it feels like you are DOING something.

And that suggests to me that he has not completely given up, no matter what he told himself in that dark moment. : )

stu wrote:Phew . So pleased that it is going down . Big relief for you all .How are things with you ?Stu

Rocky at best but dealing I suppose. I had to put my foot down recently had a complicated argument sparked by his own depression which led us down the path of if you want forgiveness its time to take the help you have and find it when its not available. He reluctantly agreed although have yet to see any progress on that front....

So new on the front. With everything DH has been putting me through lately he finally discussed it with the oncologist and his sending him to have his head scanned just in case cancer has spread there now.

This must be a very stressful appointment, I really hope everything comes out clear! Just before his latest MRI, DH was telling me that he really did not want to go for fear of learning something bad. But cancer patients do not have that option, unfortunately... Well they do, but denial has never healed anyone. Fingers crossed you get good news from that scan XXXXX

This post of mine is totally off-topic O/T -- but I thought I would mention this because you said earlier that your DH was a diesel mechanic.

Here is my story. It goes back many, many, years, back to the time when I was at University.

At the end of my first year at University on the East Coast, I took the northern route to travel back home. This was from the East Coast via the Pennsylvania Turnpike, then to the Ohio Turnpike, then onward along I-80 to the far west. What happened around Northwest Ohio was that the warning light on the dash board of my old car turned red, indicating that my battery was not charging at all and that I had very little battery charge left.

I was terrified. It was the week-end, and I was wondering where on earth I could find an auto repair shop open, and what it would cost me to fix the problem (whatever it was). I didn't have much money at all. Just enough to pay for the rest of my trip back home.

I took the next exit from the Ohio turnpike and ended up in a small town south of the turnpike. I found a gas station there that was open and I asked the attendant if he could have a look at my car and see what was wrong. Fortunately, he said that he could, and he took my car into the garage and started looking under the hood. I was really scared, because I didn't have enough money to cover a major car repair, and I didn't know how long I might be stranded in this little town.

I was afraid that I might have to replace the generator and maybe some other components at a very high cost. I was in a state of despair.

Finally, the mechanic finished his analysis and told me what was wrong. I couldn't believe my eyes. He said that what was wrong was that the "brushes" on the generator were worn out and needed to be replaced. The generator was just fine. He said it was just the three brushes that needed to be replaced. He said that he could replace them then and there on the spot. He said that the price would be 25 cents for each of three brushes, and then the cost of his labor. It was beyond belief. I simply couldn't believe what he was saying.

This is why I will never, ever forget the name of that small town south of the Ohio Turnpike. The mechanic who repaired my car was one of the most honest and professional persons I have ever met. I have occasionally thought that I wouild go back to that place especially to say "Thank you", but I never did.

So, what I would like to ask of you is this: If you could convey to your DH that I have the highest esteem for auto mechanics in Northwest Ohio. I will never ever forget the kindness accorded to me when I was in such a state of despair.