Saturday, December 29, 2007

UPDATE: 50 Cent Gets Motivated To Sell

Filthy rich rapper 50 Cent has become a motivated seller serious about unloading his 17.6 acre estate with it's grotesquely humongous 51,000 (approx.) square foot mega mansion that once belonged to bird brained boxer Mike Tyson. Y'all surely know by now that Your Mama thinks this place, located in the unlikely wilds of Farmington, CT, looks like a damn Ramada Inn on the exterior and is so big on the inside that it simply does not matter what it looks like, it's just too damn big to be comfortable.

Mister 50 Cent purchased the place in September of 2003 for $4,100,000 and claims to have put in millions more freshening up the interiors. However, Your Mama would like to point out that the shot full of holes singing sensation didn't even bother to buy new dining room chairs to replace the ones left by girly voiced boxer Mike Tyson. So just where did these millions go?

Mister 50 Cent, a man who reportedly earned $100,000,000 from a very savvy investment in Vitamin Water, originally put the property on the market for $18,500,000, an unrealistic and ego driven price tag if we've ever seen one. The house was advertised in all the glossy real estate magazines and was much discussed by all the real estate gossips. But alas...no one seemed eager to cough up that kind of cash to own their own motel sized mansion.

So Mister 50 Cent got creative and had the MTV come and do a special Cribs episode highlighting the house, a television event that quite frankly just highlighted the insane bluster and arrogance required to ask nearly $20,000,000 for an ass uglee house in a part of Connecticut not known for $20,000,000 houses. Now people of Farmington, Your Mama has nutthin' negative to say about your little neck of the woods, we're simply stating that your corner of the world isn't where one thinks of ridiculously rich tycoons shacking up.

Apparently no one stepped up after that piece of dramatic television history and now, thanks to our doom and gloom commenter Average Joe, Your Mama has learned that Mister 50 Cent has drastically reduced the asking price of the property that in addition to 19 bedrooms and 30+ terlits (19 full and 16 half, reportedly) includes six kitchens, a 3,500 square foot disco, a Gucci pool room, and a indoor shooting range, all features Your Mama would never recommend in a private home because they're stoopid.

Anyhoo, the update here is that the price of the home has dipped all the way down to $12,000,000, and it appears the house is now listed with an Atlanta, GA based company called Greenmark Investments who have laid out very specific rules and instructions for how to purchase Mister 50 Cent's Connecticut crib.

See if you can follow: According to Greenmark'swebsite, in order to purchase Mister 50 Cent's property, a potential buyer must show proof of funds (this is not so unusual in this price range), all offers must be submitted in writing and signed by the buyers BEFORE VIEWING the property, 10% of the purchase price is to be escrowed with, now pay attention here kids because this is the good part, with 1% of the purchase price to be escrowed BEFORE VIEWING the property, and 30% of that deposit is non refundable. Yes puppies, you read that correctly, we said non-re-fund-a-bull.

Do the math kids, that means that it costs $40,000 just to VIEW Mister 50 Cents monstrous manse. That ought to separate the wheat from the looky-loos and curious cats.

Greenmark's website goes on to say that a buyer will have two weeks to perform due diligence and at the time of (sale) contract signing, the remainder of the down payment is due with no contingencies.

There ain't no messing around here. So listen puppies, if any of you out there with a few million to spare and an eye for funereal drapery, private lakes, indoor swimming pools and quirky ownership provenances, be sure to get with these folks from Greenmark. But just keep in mind they are not fooling around with any body's emaciated bank account or second thoughts about purchasing.

As they say in the bizness, there's a lid for every pot, and it only takes the right price to flush out the right buyer. Perhaps at $12,00,000, Mister 50 Cent can do that. What do you think?

Wow. Way to shoot yourself in the foot, huh? I could understand this gambit if it was a highly desirable property in, say, Aspen, that was going to have the buyers lining up, but a tough-to-move property? I foresee someone with the funds to buy this place calling the listing agent and laying down the law quite differently ....

Perhaps the $40,000 "view fee" is for the medical treatment that will be needed for the obviously stoopid uneducated palates of said viewers who will run blindly from this Ramada-hell screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!"

Will the town of Framington have an EMT waiting for these poor suckers?

There isn't a hope in hell that our very own staging lady, even with a fleet of Toyotas, could do anything to put lipstick on this pig.

Admittedly, the land itself has some potential for something a little more refined and suitable for this neighborhood to replace this poorly-conceived, badly constructed, obscene behemoth, but get me a match and I'll burn this muthafucker down myself; after one look at the interior my dear sweet Big Gay Decorator has been reduced to a poor, drooling mess - he keeps humming, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - we don't need no water, let the muthafucker burn . . . "

I'd sedate the poor dear myself if I could just find where he hid those Argentine roofies . . . but after our recent "episode", they are nowhere to be found, poor dear.

Mama, how many G&Ts is it going to take to bring my sensitive husband back to his normal, tasteful self?

Someone help me please! I think it's the prospect of contemplating all those half terlits (how does one sit on half a terlit?) that pushed him over the edge.

Farmington...LOL...might as well be on the moon, who the F*@K would want to pay $12-million to live in suburban Hartford, or even have a vacation place there? His only hope is a local with no taste who wins the lottery AND is stupid enough to pay $40K upfront just to view the place...I would offer $1 along with my own ridiculous contract stating I can make a revision to my offer after viewing the place, lol ? Then what is the "viewing" fee? I must admit my tiny penis makes me one who usually loves garishly oversized mansions, and even I wouldn't waste my time viewing this one, let alone paying for the privilege...LOL

Just another typical Rapper ... They think by buying the largest, most ostentatious place shows that they've made it - when in reality everyone is sniggering behind their back! Money may not buy brains but you would think it would buy a smart team of advisers, accountants, money managers etc.. who would have steered him towards good investments instead of this pile of crap!

Dear Mama, I feared your recent deluge of bloody-horrendous gut-wrenching properties was in some way punishment to us children, even though we’ve been reasonably well-behaved lately (depending on your definition of reasonable).

Then you turn around and do something so sweet and loving; becoming the Official Site of AmbienCR, with a free 7-day supply to rid us of the night terrors you’ve been planting in our fragile little brains these past few weeks. Is this your way of tucking us in, snug as a bug in a rug?

My threshold for tacky is restored! Take us back to Coto, run us amuck in chenille lap blankets and poly-filled pillows, more pot racks and vinyl sided McMansions with inferior millwork.

It took some doing, but I managed to get Big Gay Decorator back on an even keel: first, I stripped him down (I certainly wasn't going to let that lovely Zegna sweater I gave him for Christmas get ruined) which was no mean feat as he always assumes this is a prelude to some certain activity (he IS South American, after all), then I hustled him into the shower.

He just LOVES that waterfall shower head; while I loofahed him down, I got him to repeat after me:

"There is NO pink Toyota, there is NO pink Toyota, there is NO pink Toyota . . . "

And poof! He was back in Kansas (or our Long Island North Shore equivalent).

NOTE TO STAGING LADY: You are welcome at our manse anytime but please call ahead so I can send the car for you; I fear the sight of your overladen pink Prius, sparks showering up the drive from the tailpipe dragging from all the Crate & Barrel merchandise crammed into its tiny trunk might trigger a relapse . . .

Requiring $40,000 just to view the place is going to insure that no one offers him '50 cent' above it's actual estimated value to do so, as an off the beaten path, outdated white elephant (spent millions freshening up the place my ass).

the list of once loaded, now broke rapper/entertainers is far longer than than the list of the current in favor group. the entourages & stoopid must have "investments?" really eat up the cash quick. with music sales on the decline, i would be holding on to every hard earned dinero.i like drew careys money mgt philosophy, he told his mgr to set him up so he would never have to work again. he's got a modest/comfortable house & doesn't go nuts with spending

One other thing. Farmington is not a suburb of Hartford. It's a quaint little town about a half-hour (on packed higways...) west in the middle of nowhere. It's a lovely place with not a single property remotely similar to this practical joke. Hey fitty, any bids yet, stupid?

Little Gay Boy:I’ve been walking around the house trying to talk myself out of doing this post. But it’s not working.

Please let me try to explain how I feel before I say what I need to say. I’ve been following Our Mama almost since the beginning. It’s a lot of fun, it really is. The personalities and opinions are, overall, a blast. I’m not a prude or a delicate flower when it comes to a little ribald humor from the usual suspects (So_Chic_Darling, LAPD guy, Strapping Hunk, etc.…love you guys). I love Our Mama’s frequent suspicious notions about scantily clad cabana boys, etc. Peppers things up and the humor is so damned brilliant; I thank Our Mama for these gifts of words every day. She has never put a word to paper that I haven't enjoyed immensely.

Now, here’s the thing, and this is where I really need to respect freedom of speech, and hope mine can be reciprocated. I was blindsided and felt quite nauseated by your detailed shower story today. I'm feeling like you are using this site for some pretty raunchy, inappropriate and misguided shock value. Maybe a creative essay site or something when you get these inspirations? I just wish it could stop happening here. It never used to be this way, and I'd hope you can appreciate my request to clean it up.

I certainly am not interested in reading anything sexually pornographic on this blog either.

But I have to say, I didn't find anything even a little bit offensive in Lil Gay Boy's comment above...in fact it was pretty tame with nary a reference--directly or indirectly--to private parts or anything overtly sexual.

And honestly, in my opinion, our Mama has written far more direct and detailed things many times.

That said, I appreciate your point of view on the matter and have no problem or issue with you expressing your feelings.

Personally, there are those of our "persuasion" who feel that ANYTHING goes; as for me, what's private should remain private.

Regardless of whatever forums are out there, I don't think any details of who put what where and for how long belong in public - one never knows when some innocent child might come across it, nor the harm that it could do.

And a bitch-slap upside the head for those sistahs who think it's alright to post such details!

Back to the reality of this awful mess in CT. I would gather another reason for 50 wanting to unload this behmoth prop is the upkeep and the distance from the rest of the world.. One question though... Is Greenmark properties the people on TV who do that Flip show?Last winter a group of friends and I rented a pseudo Ramada Inn for a week of fun and by the end of the week we were exhausted from walking around and if you forgot something in the other room we almost wanted to hire someone to go retrieve it... These places are exhausting

What a joke. I doubt the big boys of LA would use that tactic. We have over 100 homes over 10 million that are on the market. A nice day of looking around could cost the potential buyer 200-400k just to look? what a joke.

cant believe this crap about a deposit and an OFFER B4 SEEING IT!!!! absolutely nutz! Are these people serious or not? He needs to find himself a local broker. Mabey this will cover his brokers airfare to show it???