Wednesday, 23 May 2012

So today has been a good day! I have got meet and greet Jessie
J tickets for her tour NEXT MARCH…yes that’s 2013, it’s a while off but it will
be worth the wait I am sure! To say I am excited would be an understatement. I
never get into the whole pop star thing (apart from Hanson and The Spice Girls!!)
but I have a lot to thank Jessie’s music for. I was suffering from really bad
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and it was just horrific on a day-to-day
basis. When I started to listen to Jessie’s album I would cry and cry and cry.
I released emotions that I had been bottling up for like a year! Her songs
actually stopped me from having flashbacks so as you can imagine I am very
grateful!!

In other news my article went live just under a week a go and I have been
amazed at the positive responses I have received. I was so scared that the
article would be bad as writing has never been my strong point but it appears
no one has noticed! The joy of people reading my article and it resonating with
them soon turns to sadness as I read some of the comments and emails. I am so
happy that people are finding some small comfort in my writing but also so sad
that they have too. I always knew it wasn’t spoken about amongst people but I
am quickly realising just how common it is.

How many people do you know who have been raped? 1? 2?
None?! How many people do we meet in one day? In a month? In a year? How many
of those people would have been raped or sexually abused. Take 20 of your
friends. 1 in 20 women have been raped. Take a look at those 20 friends again. We are all much closer to rape than we
realise and it terrifies me to think how many people are walking around with
that secret inside of them.

The other shocking theme that seems to be running through
the emails I am getting, is how it is the victims nearest and dearest that
aren’t able to deal with rape. How they are unable to open themselves up
emotionally or in some cases friends are actually ignoring them because of this
awful event. The fact that loved
ones and really caring, honest and loyal friends are disassociating themselves
from the victim is baffling to me. I understand that it is a very uncomfortable
subject. It is also very painful to have a friend suffer in such a way that you
are completely powerless to prevent. Before I was raped I supported a good
friend through her recovery. I did not feel uncomfortable and was able to be
there for her as best I could although I did not understand anything about it
at that time. So, I am at a loss to understand why victims are losing friends.
I wonder if it should not be viewed as an individual’s uncertainty of what to
say in the situation, but as a deep routed issue in society. Does society have
a bigger secret it is not telling us? Do we need to look past the act of rape
and into the relationship between men and women? I am beginning to think that
this could be helpful.

Before women burnt their bras and went to work they were
very much seen as the lower gender. Men were dominant and women were obedient. Women were suppressed
in most aspects of their lives and were not heard and most of the time their
feelings were not considered. Sound familiar??? I am purely thinking out loud
here. It does make sense that although lots of people say they are not scared of
rape they are potentially scared that rape of the reality of women not being as
equal as men?! Has society really moved on as much as we would like to think?!
I shall ponder…….

Friday, 18 May 2012

Have you ever been the victim
of a house burglary? Many victims of burglary don’t need to be subjected to
violence or see the burglars to no longer want tolive in their house. They
feel “dirty” and that their personal space has been invaded

Friends and neighbours will
be curious as to how the burglar got in.
But even if the back window was left open or the door unlocked, the
victim is not blamed. You are the
victim and what the thief (or thieves) did by entering your property and
stealing or destroying your belongings is unthinkable. The burglar will forever remain a
criminal and you the victim of a horrible crime.

What if I told you that I was
raped? What if I was wearing a
short skirt when I was raped?
Would that be the same as an open window? Would that easier access to my property be a factor that
people would hold against me? In
the case of the burglary, the open window is disregarded; the thief should not
be entering to begin with. In the
case of rape do you feel the same about what a girl might wear? Is it her fault or the rapist’s? Would
he have left me alone if my skirt had been five inches lower?

When I was raped, I was on my
way to buy food, wearing flip flops, shorts and a t-shirt. I was dragged off of the main street
and raped. Was that my fault? Was there something about me that led
the rapist to think he had access me?

When I told my friends I had
been raped, they were not quite sure what to say. The questions they asked me seemed to suggest I was on trial
as a criminal: What time of day
was it? What was I wearing? Was I alone? Was I drunk?

Shouldn’t they be focussing
on the crime he committed? HE was the one who forced the door open, HE was the
one who came up the stairs and HE was the one who stole from me. HE had the
power and I had none. He stole all my belongings and I was left with the empty
house.

Somebody penetrated me
sexually using violence. He held
me so hard and covered my mouth so that I couldn’t move or scream. But my
experience is that rape victims are held at arms length for mental scrutiny and
interrogation.

When I told people I’d been
raped, I was faced with reactions of utter discomfort. Some people looked
scared of the topic, some people didn’t make eye contact and some people said
the necessary things in order to move on and change the conversation. These
reactions, although the people were not conscious of how they were making me
feel, provoked shame and embarrassment. If someone got struck by lightening
would you interrogate them? Where were they were standing? What were they
wearing? Were they alone?

Why does society struggle
with truly accepting people who have been raped as victims? I think there are
many reasons but the main one is certain. People are scared of rape. Scared
that it will happen to them and scared to talk about it. Society sees
advertisements of rape prevention but very rarely do we see support for
victims. They have no voice because society is scared to hear it.

After becoming a victim of
rape I feel that I was further victimised by society. It was as if the rape
wasn’t a random act but something I had brought on myself.

In a world where
sexualisation dominates and even children idolise sexualised figures, why is it
we are so uncomfortable with talking about rape?

As a rape survivor I feel
it’s my responsibility to speak out and give people the chance to understand
the feelings of a victim.

This is why I am looking for
rape victims who are willing to take part in dance therapy workshops. These
workshops aim to give survivors a different way of experiencing therapy and
they will be held in a supportive space with dance therapists and councillors.
As a rape victim I know how hard it is to articulate the feelings that stem
from rape. I asked myself, ‘we feel in our body so why not communicate through
movement?’

I am asking other victims to
join my ambition to change public attitudes. Together we can overcome and
change the stigma. As Ghandi once said “Be the change you want to see in the
world”.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

I started this blog with the direct intention that I would
NOT make it my personal ranting place. However, ironically the entry that has
the most moaning in has been read the most. Maybe it is ok to be myself and
moan away ?? Lets see…

This morning started much like any other. I hated my alarm
and loved my snooze button but eventually snooze broke up with me and I had to
get up. I am a nanny so mornings are a little hectic but we have a good routine
that seems to work. We left the house at 8am, right on schedule and avoided the
normal London rush hour traffic.

As I turned into the school gate there were a trio of
teenage girls walking on the side of the road. I slowed, they turned and I
signalled for them to cross but they must not have seen as they moved and stopped
to let me pass. So after waiting for about ten seconds I drove past them only
to be stopped by the schools parking attendant. The conversation went like
this:

Him: ‘you must always give way to pupils’

‘ But I did give way’

‘You must ALWAYs give way’

‘But I stopped, gave way and signalled for them to cross,
you saw, you were standing right there!’

‘I understand but you must always give way’

‘I understand that, but I did give way. Instead of holding
up traffic, after the students declined the offer I decided to drive on. Maybe
when you saw me giving way you could have told them to cross as I was patiently
waiting for them to do so’

‘Always give way’

At this point I drove off as clearly he hadn’t added the 10th
word to his word bank that morning and was unable to bring anything else to the
conversation.

I parked and walked with the two youngest to school and
dropped the elder of the two to his classroom. I then went and sat down in the
coffee shop with the three year old. 15 minutes after the conversation with the
delightful attendant he comes marching. He stares at me whilst he marches. He
marches with such force that he knocks a chair down that happened to be in his.
Around me were about thirty or so mothers and children.

‘You need to sort out your attitude’

‘Excuse me?!’

‘You have such a bad attitude’

silence…..

‘This is the second time I have had to deal with you’

‘Sorry, when was the first time?!’

‘You can not speak to me like you did, you must change your
attitude’

Then he storms off. I am left with several thoughts and feelings. I was aware
that he was on a power trip, aware that he was projecting his issues on to me,
aware that he was a typical bully by shouting at me in front of other people
and aware that I was becoming very triggered. Enter massive flashback! I
haven’t had one in just over a month but boy, did it come on strong. I was hit
by mental images and lost all bareing on my location. I lost the ability to
stabilise myself in the present and I began to spiral into the past. I could
smell him, I could feel him and I was scared.

All because of one insignificant TINY LITTLE MAN. I know he
does not know about my rape but the thing is no one knows anything about anyone’s
lives. My issue with men is most of them think they have power over woman, in
lots of different ways. That perceived power could be scary and triggering. Just
saying.

Check your issues at the door before engaging in a
conversation with me PAlease….

Ok rant over, il be able to tell by the response if you guys
hated it…sorry if you did!!

Thursday, 3 May 2012

I am not sure if it is the weather that is making me
miserable but my mood is definitely deflated. I was so excited when I started
this blog and although I knew I had set my self a hard task I think I am
realising just how hard it is!

I am asking people to talk out about something horrific that
happened to them or to someone they know. Not only am I asking them to not be
afraid and be proud that they are a survivor, I am then asking them to actively
get involved with a load of strangers and dance around a bit!

It’s a big ask and if someone had come to me 6 months ago
and asked me to take part I think I would have said no. Although I have never
shied away from saying I was raped I do not think, until now, I have been ready
to actively try and overcome my experience.So if I put myself in your shoes I understand why it
wouldn’t be intriguing.

There are two things I want to say and both go hand in hand.
Rape is not talked about because of the stigma attached to it. If I had been
mugged, or if I had been shot I think I would have been a lot more forthcoming
with the details to my friends and family, and equally they would have been a
lot more forthcoming with love and support. There is a resistance to talk
openly about rape unlike any other tragic event I can think of that might occur
in someones life. Whatever the reason is for this, it makes me angry. We are
not to blame, we should not feel ashamed and we should not be embarrassed. So I
am angry when I face awkwardness from my friends or people around me because,
whatever the reason is that causes them to react that way, it makes me feel
dirty and like I have done something wrong.

So I thought lets speak out loud and clear and not give
anyone the opportunity to become awkward. If I am comfortable with it then so
can everyone else be. And also, if I am not telling people how much it has
affected me then how are they meant to know how much to support me?? BUT I am
realising that by writing this blog and deciding to do workshops I have not
solved the problem. I am once again powerless. Without other people who have
had shared experiences coming to me and sharing my frustration and wanting to
be proactive about changing this for future victims, I am just another person
shouting into an infinite void.

I am frustrated, and it is without judgement to anyone.
There is a frustration there because I am finally getting angry. I am angry
about what I went through before, during and after the rape. But underneath
this, there is bubbling hope. I am hopeful. I hope each day that people will
share my frustration and we can work together to overcome and make a difference.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

It is all well and good moaning about the lack of support out there but unless something is done about it nothing will ever change. So here I am, blogging away like a crazy person trying to reach out to anyone who has been affected by rape. I am reaching out and really asking for you to be brave and resilient and step forward to help me.

My aim is to do a dance therapy workshop for rape victims of any age, race, gender with their friends and families who may have been affected by this topic. Anyone can participate but I am keen to ensure that people involved in the workshop experience have been through similar experiences as I am hoping this will stop any feelings of shame or embarrassment.

It will be an extremely supportive environment and although it will be based around dance (I will explain why in a second) no one will do anything they are not comfortable with. The whole purpose of this worksop is for it to be supportive and therapeutic.

Why dance? Personally, having done dance at university it has always helped me to express myself. It is a way to communicate without words and sometimes this is vital. As I have discussed before, society can be prone to shying away from the topic of rape and the actual word has such a stigma attached to it it is hard to reach people without getting a reaction first. Dance therapy has been proven to help trauma victims work through their issues in a physical way and it has been extremely helpful for them.

I will ensure that I have trained dance movement therapists at the workshop along side counsellors in case anyone needs them. As I have said it will be a safe place to breakdown if needed whilst at the same time cartwheels and jumping is celebrated!! It will be a support group with movement to use however you see fit.

Sounds good right??? I NEED YOU! I can put this workshop on by myself but it wouldn't be too much fun and it would just be me dancing in a room by myself. Please be brave, please come forward and please email surmonterdance@gmail.com

I
have been trying to figure out for ages why no rape victim ever speaks out
about their experience and why they would feel ashamed about being a victim. Can
anyone enlighten me?? I have been at times ashamed and embarrassed about what
happened to me. Mostly those feeling have developed from peoples responses to
my story. These people did not react out of menace but out of awkwardness and
were unable to connect in the way I needed them too.

Why
is rape such a taboo subject?!

Why
do they seem scared about something that happened to me and not them?

Hear
are my thoughts. I think firstly and foremost people are scared of rape
becoming a reality for them. And of course, this is totally natural. They can
only imagine how horrible the experience is and therefore, like most humans,
they avoid the conversation.

I
am scared of getting cancer, or being in a plane crash, or losing someone in my
family but I do not think this fear makes me unable to be there for someone
whose mother has died or someone who has cancer. I do not think these problems
are contagious.

Yet,
there is something that stops people talking about rape. There is a definite
fear that I have noticed in people’s eyes even when mentioning the word rape. I
have even been asked what clothes I was wearing at the time, if I was drunk and
if I was walking alone. People who asked these questions seemed deeply
disturbed by what had happened to me and I think they were desperate to find
out ‘where I went wrong’ so that they were able to avoid the situation. These
questions do not intend to place blame on me but I did feel ashamed.

The
thing that shocked me the most by these questions was the total lack of
understanding as to how utterly powerless I was. The above questions seemed to
give me power after the rape had happened. If I had been wearing a different
outfit would I have gone unnoticed? If I had been with ten people would he have
walked past me? Possibly, but the fact is I was taken and against my will I was
raped. If I had any choice in the matter, believe me, it wouldn’t have
happened.

I
am not going to sit here and give you a detailed account of my rape, that isn’t
what I am here for. I am going to sit here and say (type) that it is the
hardest thing that I have ever been through. My whole world disintegrated in
front of my eyes and I was literally powerless to stop it from crumbling.

I
get that it is a horrible thing to talk about. And there are blurred lines when
it comes to what technically rape is. To me it doesn’t have to be so
complicated. Whatever the situation may be, whatever caused you to be alone
with that person if two people consent to sex it isn’t rape. If one person says
no and it still goes ahead it is rape. Fact.

I
would really love to hear any responses to this blog. I am so interested in
what feelings this post provokes in people. Whether you have been raped or not,
I would love to hear your opinion.

This is my platform to air my thoughts; I
would love to share it with you.

Rape and the Police

Rape claims are being left off official crime records, the BBC has learned.

Figures obtained following a Freedom of Information request showed some UK police forces were failing to record more than 40% of cases.

Rules state only allegations verified as false, reported to the wrong force, or recorded in error can be removed. The Association of Chief Police Officers said advances had been made in rape investigation but campaigners said women were being denied justice. The figures showed wide regional variations but some forces had such a high number of cases removed from records - known as "no-criming" - that critics said it was evident the rules were not being properly applied.

Cause for concern

In Northumbria, there were 382 reports of rape. Of those, 172 never made it into official Home Office figures and that was before any were "no-crimed". Police in Durham said only five of 130 cases had been "no-crimed" yet the figures showed a further 83 cases were never officially recorded in the first place. In contrast, forces in Humberside, Gloucestershire, and Northamptonshire recorded at least 90% of cases for investigation. Northern Constabulary, which covers the Highlands, Western Isles and Orkney and Shetland, puts every case on its records. HM Inspectorate of Constabulary demanded improvements in recording rape claims two years ago but has admitted there is still cause for concern.

The figures also showed hundreds of complaints lodged in the year to March 2008 never went forward to a full investigation. The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) said significant advances had recently been made into investigating rapes but admitted there was still much more to do.

Chief constable of Cheshire Police, Dave Whatton, who speaks for Acpo on rape issues, said even when allegations were withdrawn they must still be investigated. "If somebody's saying, 'I have been raped but I'm not prepared to go forward with this at court,' then it should still stay as a crime.

"That isn't something that should be withdrawn. Because in terms of threshold tests, it has to be proved that the offence did not take place, not that we can't take forward the investigation."

Lisa Longstaff, of campaign group Women Against Rape, accused police of not taking rape seriously enough. She said police have 72 hours in which to investigate a rape allegation and declare it a crime but some were using this as a way to avoid investigating.

following information was taken directly from: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8515592.stm

A majority of women believe some rape victims should take responsibility for what happened, a survey suggests.Almost three quarters of the women who believed this said if a victim got into bed with the assailant before an attack they should accept some responsibility.

One-third blamed victims who had dressed provocatively or gone back to the attacker's house for a drink.The survey of more than 1,000 people in London marked the 10th anniversary of the Haven service for rape victims.More than half of those of both sexes questioned said there were some circumstances when a rape victim should accept responsibility for an attack.

Less forgiving

The study found that women were less forgiving of the victim than men. Of the women who believed some victims should take responsibility, 71% thought a person should accept responsibility when getting into bed with someone, compared with 57% of men.

Elizabeth Harrison from Haven said there was never an excuse for forcing a woman to do something she did not want to.

"Clearly, women are in a position where they need to take responsibility for themselves - but whatever you wear and whatever you do does not give somebody else the right to rape you.

Rape victims' views on blame

"It's important people take the time to actually look at what they are doing and make sure the person they are with is actually wanting to go ahead with what they are proposing."

The survey also found more than one in 10 people were unsure whether they would report being raped to the police, and 2% said they would definitely not do so.

The main reasons were being too embarrassed or ashamed (55%), wanting to forget it had happened (41%) and not wanting to go to court (38%).

Meanwhile, the survey suggested that many people are relaxed about their safety. Almost half of people have walked home via side streets on their own.

One in five has been so drunk they have lost their memory, while one in five has got into a taxi without checking whether it is licensed.

Hardening attitudes

When asked about their own experiences, more than a third of those polled said they had been in a situation where they could have been made to have sex against their will.

Women are more likely to have been in this situation - 40% compared to 20%.

And one in five adults had been in a situation where they were made to have sex when they did not want to. This had happened to more women (23%) than men (20%).

It is depressing that people are still quick to blame the victim of rape rather than placing the responsibility where it actually belongs - squarely on the shoulders of the perpetrator

An Amnesty International report five years ago found that a significant minority of British people laid the blame for rape at victims themselves.

BBC home affairs correspondent Danny Shaw says this latest study suggests attitudes may have hardened. And the findings may help explain why juries are reluctant to convict in some rape trials.

Amnesty International's UK director Kate Allen said the new findings were "alarming but sadly not surprising".

"It is depressing that, nearly half a decade later, people are still quick to blame the victim of rape rather than placing the responsibility where it actually belongs - squarely on the shoulders of the perpetrator," she said.

"The government has announced that it will develop an 'integrated strategy' to tackle violence against women and these findings are another reminder of how urgent this is and how proper training, support and resourcing will be vital in making it a reality."

The Home Office said it had introduced a number of measures to the service provided to rape victims, including new police and prosecutors' guidance, monitoring of services and funding for support for rape victims.

A spokeswoman said: "The government is determined to ensure that every victim has immediate access to the services and support they need so that more victims have the confidence to come forward and report these crimes and we can bring the perpetrators to justice."

About Me

I am a trained dancer and studying psychotherapy and counselling at CCPE. I am on a mission to create 'Surmonter - The performance' to create awareness for rape victims and anyone affected by rape. I am trying to give rape victims the voice that society hasn't been hearing