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I know I’ve been away from the internet for a while, so bringing up Steven Seagal Lawman on the first day of 2010 is probably old news…

But I’m gonna’ do it anyway.

I finally caught a few episodes and just had to say something about how fucking awesome this show is. I know some of y’all would argue my definition of awesome, but bear with me….

Every episode pretty much follows the same format:

Seagal hangs out with his “hand-selected elite team” of likable, portly deputies for a while then they get in their police cruisers and drive around listening to the police scanner for “crimes in progress.”

Luckily, there seems to be quite a bit of downtime, so Seagal can talk about Zen, dojos, and all sorts of Oriental stuff while his partner tries to concentrate on driving.

They make their way through Jefferson Parish until they hit some sort of quota of people yelling, “It’s Steven Seagal,” and then their scanner goes off!

The boys in blue race to the scene while Seagal stares out of the passenger side using his weird Zen powers to scan the area for crime…and we know he’s doing this ’cause of the Terminator-vision and the cool whoosing sound effects the show uses!

Once they roll up on the suspicious persons it never fails that one of the perps takes off running…this is not good for our rotund, middle aged peace officers.

The chase that ensues is always the same: Skinny crook runs like the wind and hops about five fences while Steven and his chunky cops lag behind grousing about their knees between labored breaths. The boys eventually get back in their cars and track down the suspects whereabouts thanks to Steven‘s Chinese magic!

Once the crook is cuffed the first thing out of his mouth is, “It’s Steven Seagal! I’m being arrested by Steven Seagal!” Then everyone laughs like the end of an A-Team episode….but it doesn’t stop there…after the police work is done we’re treated to Steven helping out a fellow cop pass a shooting range test through the use of Ancient Chinese Secrets, or perform wacky Chinese acupuncture on one of his buddies, or sing songs to orphans, or talk to dogs…you know, all the usual stuff Steven does on his off time from busting the bad guys and taking down double quarter pounders with cheese.

I know it seems like I’m bagging on Steven and his show, but I really do like it.

Sure he’s put on a few pounds, but he comes off as a pretty cool dude and he’s still a bad ass. There may not be much danger and arm breaking, but he can still shoot the head off a match and laugh when someone tells him “Sacky Chan” might not be able to beat him in a fight but Chuck Norris would whoop his ass.

So if you’re bored, check your local listings and treat yourself to a little Seagal this year…you’ll thank me later.

Who’s Dr. Mike? Well, that’s the good doctor in the picture…the guy holding the handful of Giant Intestinal Roundworms that he just shit out of his ass….seriously…I saw him do it on the teevee.

So, this bat shit insane crazy man that claims to be a Dr. goes to Third World Countries and eats dirty food, drinks filthy water, and lets all sorts of bugs and animals chew on his flesh…all in the name of SCIENCE…or whatever.

Click this pic of Dr. Mike's back to read about bloodletting!

It’s truly fascinating….and Dr. Mike is so goddamn enthusiastic about getting leeches attached to his back and ass, drinking the “brown soup of excrement and industrial effluents” that is the Ganges River, and getting caught in the middle of a monkey gang fight, that the show has become a Casa Canacorn favorite after only one episode!

That’s right, you heard me…monkey gangs had a rumble and Dr. Mike was in a “drive by” biting.

You can’t make this shit up…

Oh, peep the teaser to the episode I saw:

Anyway, I just wanted to let you kids know that I’m alive and to hip y’all to crazy Dr. Mike and his amazing ass worms….