Some people can get annoying when it comes to discussions about money.

I make enough to get by and a little left over to save for retirement, but not wealthy by any means or even anywhere close to being wealthy. Anyway I've had to deal with some snarky remarks from relatives as if I make "big money". The other day, a family member asked, are you working and making "all that money". My grandmother once told an acquaintance one time that I make "big bucks" while I was standing there.

It burns me up not only because it's a backhanded insult but it's not true.

The only reason I have anything at all is that I've lived under my means and worked my butt of while going to school. Those that make these comments lack discipline and spend more than they need to then try to make me feel guilty.

What is the best way to deal with them? And what is the best way to educate the more irresponsible so that they can take responsibliity for their own finances rather than hold out their hand waiting for someone to give them something?

Are they actually asking you for money or just making comments assuming you make 'all that money'? The grandmother comment just sounds like she's proud of you and trying to brag about you. My grandfather does this in regards to profession and it's embarrassing, at least to me, but he doesn't mean any harm from it, he's just proud.

Just like others' relatives, some of yours might learn and benefit from more info and some won't, ever, ever figure it out. You will not be able to fix any of their problems. They may be able to change on their own, but you cannot change them.

Your life will be better when you spend time with nice people. If your relatives are snarky on any topic, try to spend more time with people who do not behave that way. The snarkiness is the problem, not the particular topic that they have chosen for their rude behavior. If your finances were just like theirs, they would likely have snarky remarks on some other topic.

heyyou wrote: The snarkiness is the problem, not the particular topic that they have chosen for their rude behavior. If your finances were just like theirs, they would likely have snarky remarks on some other topic.

+1

Along with a response along the lines of "I try to be responsible by making sure I don't spend more than I earn. With costs what they are now, that requires that I work hard."

heyyou wrote:Just like others' relatives, some of yours might learn and benefit from more info and some won't, ever, ever figure it out. You will not be able to fix any of their problems. They may be able to change on their own, but you cannot change them.

You're right....just want to prevent a situation where they want a handout due to poor decisions.

heyyou wrote:Your life will be better when you spend time with nice people. If your relatives are snarky on any topic, try to spend more time with people who do not behave that way. The snarkiness is the problem, not the particular topic that they have chosen for their rude behavior. If your finances were just like theirs, they would likely have snarky remarks on some other topic.

Good point but you can't always avoid snarky people. They are at family get togethers, work, etc.

I happen to be one of the most well-off members of my family, so I understand some of your frustration. As to the snarky comments, there are a few approaches: humor ("yeah, big monopoly money"), silence, confronting ("what big bucks?"), etc. Silence might be the best option for overall family harmony.

The biggest issue is heading off the requests for money. Just make it a habit to never seriously discuss money with the ones who want handouts. You could take it a step further and pretend to be worst off than you actually are (e.g. complain about any tough financial spots). This might be the only way to dissuade some personality types, but you might not like having to keep up the charade.

Set boundaries and enforce them, even if that enforcement just means being a silent "wall". Growing up, I watched my great grandparents play the banker to all the family members. It was a roll they played up until they died, and even a roll they kept in their trust after death. If you take on the reputation as being the family financier, it will stay with you. If you don't want to do that, set boundaries.

In my case, it's mostly light-hearted ribbing from my father. "Boy, whataya do with *all that money*?", or "You make more than I do!". I take it with good humor.

I have never experienced someone hitting me up for money, but would have absolutely no problem turning them down. I make it a policy not to mix family and business. It helps that I have a reputation as a cheap bastard, and I wear it with pride

I've been on the receiving end of comments like that. If money isn't a focus of your life (i.e. you're not always talking about it or conspicuously displaying your consumption) it's easy to just shrug off the comment and go on to whatever topic you find more interesting. If money is a focus of your life, then it may be a bit harder -- because you're trying to talk about it with people who don't understand the concept; understandable if they may react with "big bucks" sort of observations.

zeke5867 wrote:The other day, a family member asked, are you working and making "all that money".

I would smile and respond, "I just wish I was making as much as you think I do."

Jerry

Same here, I would say next to nothing or something slightly disparaging about my own situation should a snarky comment arise.
I recall only once or twice where this has happened; as mentioned in other threads, folks generally avoid talking about any finance angle in polite company...

I don't get it either. Sounds like a compliment to me. When my grandma says that, I smile because I worked hard to make what I have. I am glad she recognizes it and is proud to tell others. Everyone has a different POV I guess.

I don't get it either. Sounds like a compliment to me. When my grandma says that, I smile because I worked hard to make what I have. I am glad she recognizes it and is proud to tell others. Everyone has a different POV I guess.

I think it's hard to read the context of the remarks to the OP from what we've seen so far.
There's a sub-culture out there that looks at money as something to be spent for near-term needs, not saved in large quantities for god knows what.
If that's the situation the OP is in, then I think the less said about money and wealth, the better the situation will be...

I don't get it either. Sounds like a compliment to me. When my grandma says that, I smile because I worked hard to make what I have. I am glad she recognizes it and is proud to tell others. Everyone has a different POV I guess.

I think it's hard to read the context of the remarks to the OP from what we've seen so far.
There's a sub-culture out there that looks at money as something to be spent for near-term needs, not saved in large quantities for god knows what.
If that's the situation the OP is in, then I think the less said about money and wealth, the better the situation will be...

Maybe people like to see others struggle. Not necessarily to struggle due to misfortune, but just to have some challenge that defines them, e.g., triathlete, recovering alcoholic, med student. All these things help people pin you down and understand your motivations. If they can't figure out why you're saving, and judging from America's savings rate, many don't see the need to save, it might help to explain exactly why you're saving: for your children's college, for a house, for your round-the-world-cruise. Then your intentions become less of a mystery. The next time they see you, they might not make a snarky comment about money, but rather ask how close you are to your goal.

*IF* I have any money, I don't tell people about it, or show it off by purchasing luxury brands or displays of wealth. As a matter of fact, I take care to avoid these outward displays, and all that is left for people to see is my modest lifestyle, upon which they may very well assume that I don't make any money.

I have not received any comments.

Although I would not find these comments insulting, I would disagree with them, and use the opportunity to present generally sound opinions on how "they" save money and the wealthy accumulate wealth.

I don't get it either. Sounds like a compliment to me. When my grandma says that, I smile because I worked hard to make what I have. I am glad she recognizes it and is proud to tell others. Everyone has a different POV I guess.

I think it's hard to read the context of the remarks to the OP from what we've seen so far.
There's a sub-culture out there that looks at money as something to be spent for near-term needs, not saved in large quantities for god knows what.
If that's the situation the OP is in, then I think the less said about money and wealth, the better the situation will be...

Maybe people like to see others struggle. Not necessarily to struggle due to misfortune, but just to have some challenge that defines them, e.g., triathlete, recovering alcoholic, med student. All these things help people pin you down and understand your motivations. If they can't figure out why you're saving, and judging from America's savings rate, many don't see the need to save, it might help to explain exactly why you're saving: for your children's college, for a house, for your round-the-world-cruise. Then your intentions become less of a mystery. The next time they see you, they might not make a snarky comment about money, but rather ask how close you are to your goal.

Have you seen some of the other threads about what happens when you have a mortgage burning party? The vast majority of people do not like to see others rise above them ~if your not on the same keel or worse, that is when the remarks start to fly.

Human nature is well.... human nature. Just because they are family they are not immune to envy and greed. These, like the other human emotions, are so well known they are dubbed as the seven deadly sins for a reason. You cannot change how these folks are going to act towards you. As long as they are human they will be envious and jealous. Does not mean they don't love you as family, but just confirms they are human.

Shrug it off or if it bothers you that much just tell them after one of those comments in a forceful way that you worked hard to get to your point in life and anything financially succesful you have accomplished is through hard work and self restrain, i.e. LBYM and not luck. If they still continue that just hit the ignore button in life and distance yourself away from them.

I had a friend who lives near me who has as terrific life as well as I do and he would always make these type of comments showing jealousy. I just cut him out of my life. Life is too short to worry about these type of folks.

Good luck.

"The stock market [fluctuation], therefore, is noise. A giant distraction from the business of investing.” |
-Jack Bogle

A couple of years ago my husband and I went to his high school reunion. We own an airplane and had flown it to the reunion. During the evening one of my husband's former classmates asked him "Is there anything you do not have?" I replied that we did not have a flat screen TV (which was true at the time). She looked at me in astonishment.

It could be that you spent some money on something your relatives would consider to be a luxury item but which you have saved in other ways to be able to afford. Thus, they think you have a lot of money when it is just that your priorities are different.

zeke5867..............i agree. That was the long answer. Back in those earlier days i would just agree with those people that "yes i am wealthy" and that would shut them up. Of course back in the day i was barely above them financially but its typically a matter of comparisons anyway. If they wanted to think i was rich and it apparently bothered to point they were rude about it i just exacerbated their problem. At this point they just accept it and we can all live happily ever after.

zeke5867 wrote:Some people can get annoying when it comes to discussions about money.

I make enough to get by and a little left over to save for retirement, but not wealthy by any means or even anywhere close to being wealthy. Anyway I've had to deal with some snarky remarks from relatives as if I make "big money". The other day, a family member asked, are you working and making "all that money". My grandmother once told an acquaintance one time that I make "big bucks" while I was standing there.

It burns me up not only because it's a backhanded insult but it's not true.

The only reason I have anything at all is that I've lived under my means and worked my butt of while going to school. Those that make these comments lack discipline and spend more than they need to then try to make me feel guilty.

What is the best way to deal with them? And what is the best way to educate the more irresponsible so that they can take responsibliity for their own finances rather than hold out their hand waiting for someone to give them something?

Billionaires these days are "proud of working hard and being successful," why shouldn't thousandsaires??

GRT2BOUTDOORS wrote:Have you seen some of the other threads about what happens when you have a mortgage burning party? The vast majority of people do not like to see others rise above them ~if your not on the same keel or worse, that is when the remarks start to fly.

True.
If you workout and are dedicated to health and fitness, that seems to get some people worked up as well

staythecourse wrote:Human nature is well.... human nature. Just because they are family they are not immune to envy and greed. These, like the other human emotions, are so well known they are dubbed as the seven deadly sins for a reason. You cannot change how these folks are going to act towards you. As long as they are human they will be envious and jealous. Does not mean they don't love you as family, but just confirms they are human.

Shrug it off or if it bothers you that much just tell them after one of those comments in a forceful way that you worked hard to get to your point in life and anything financially succesful you have accomplished is through hard work and self restrain, i.e. LBYM and not luck. If they still continue that just hit the ignore button in life and distance yourself away from them.

I have a few relatives that whine about being screwed out of their 401K dropping 30%-40% a few years back (even thought it happened to nearly everybody else including myself) and their real estate investments, even though there were people that were screwed worse about 5 years ago. They are still dwelling on it, and while I feel bad for them (even though it happened to me too), there's nothing that can be done about it now.

staythecourse wrote:I had a friend who lives near me who has as terrific life as well as I do and he would always make these type of comments showing jealousy. I just cut him out of my life. Life is too short to worry about these type of folks.

That works ok with friends and distant relatives, not so much with closer relatives

Human beings are a naturally competitive lot. Listen to Mother nature! Even when an army has a common enemy there are smaller elite soldiers within the larger unit that consider themselves "better" than their fellow soldiers. Part of human nature so we just have to learn to deal with it as reasonably as possible.

Mudpuppy wrote:The biggest issue is heading off the requests for money. Just make it a habit to never seriously discuss money with the ones who want handouts. You could take it a step further and pretend to be worst off than you actually are (e.g. complain about any tough financial spots). This might be the only way to dissuade some personality types, but you might not like having to keep up the charade.

Set boundaries and enforce them, even if that enforcement just means being a silent "wall". Growing up, I watched my great grandparents play the banker to all the family members. It was a roll they played up until they died, and even a roll they kept in their trust after death. If you take on the reputation as being the family financier, it will stay with you. If you don't want to do that, set boundaries.

Nobody has asked me for anything, but I can see it happening sometime. My aunt and uncle played that role, giving money to their one adult kid who manage their finances poorly (i.e. overspend) while giving nothing to the responsible kid.

Mudpuppy wrote:The biggest issue is heading off the requests for money. Just make it a habit to never seriously discuss money with the ones who want handouts. You could take it a step further and pretend to be worst off than you actually are (e.g. complain about any tough financial spots). This might be the only way to dissuade some personality types, but you might not like having to keep up the charade.

Set boundaries and enforce them, even if that enforcement just means being a silent "wall". Growing up, I watched my great grandparents play the banker to all the family members. It was a roll they played up until they died, and even a roll they kept in their trust after death. If you take on the reputation as being the family financier, it will stay with you. If you don't want to do that, set boundaries.

Nobody has asked me for anything, but I can see it happening sometime. My aunt and uncle played that role, giving money to their one adult kid who manage their finances poorly (i.e. overspend) while giving nothing to the responsible kid.

In Millionaire Next Door, the authors argue that the "nothing kids" are actually given more and end up more successful.

GRT2BOUTDOORS wrote:
Have you seen some of the other threads about what happens when you have a mortgage burning party?

I paid off my mortgage and kept it between myself, my wife, my bank and a few family members (I told my father later when he said he was thinking about paying his off). Why would you have a mortgage burning party unless at least some part of you wanted to flaunt it in the face of your friends and relatives? Who is really to blame for their reaction?

P.S. Do you throw parties to celebrate promotions and pay raises? I never did.

zeke5867 wrote:I have a few relatives that whine about being screwed out of their 401K dropping 30%-40% a few years back (even thought it happened to nearly everybody else including myself) and their real estate investments, even though there were people that were screwed worse about 5 years ago. They are still dwelling on it, and while I feel bad for them (even though it happened to me too), there's nothing that can be done about it now.

Perhaps they are looking to commiserate, that is a strong human tendency. So if the topic comes up again, you can say "yeah, mine lost about that much too" and then follow up with "not much I can do about it now though". Some personality types dwell on losses and assume if others aren't dwelling too, they must not have had the losses. Easiest way to nip that in the bud is to make it clear you had losses, but you aren't dwelling on them.

The other factor to consider is the family rumor-mills. Being the only one with a degree can be an issue (I am the first in the family to go to graduate school for example). It can lead to rumors circulating that one makes more than one actually does. In my case, that's a bit of a non-issue since the Sacramento Bee publishes exactly what all workers at my state agency make on their website, so any family member could look up precisely what I'm paid. But for those in the private sector, it can lead to wild speculations that may be totally disconnected from reality.

If you have a family member that you are really close to, you might want to have a frank discussion about how the family rumor-mill is causing you distress. You don't have to reveal any specific finances, but you might want to make it clear that you're working hard to not end up in a rough spot and don't really have that much money and you feel hurt when family members imply that you do (particularly if their implication is that you have it and aren't "sharing" it).

zeke5867 wrote:Some people can get annoying when it comes to discussions about money.

I make enough to get by and a little left over to save for retirement, but not wealthy by any means or even anywhere close to being wealthy. Anyway I've had to deal with some snarky remarks from relatives as if I make "big money". The other day, a family member asked, are you working and making "all that money". My grandmother once told an acquaintance one time that I make "big bucks" while I was standing there.

It burns me up not only because it's a backhanded insult but it's not true.

The only reason I have anything at all is that I've lived under my means and worked my butt of while going to school. Those that make these comments lack discipline and spend more than they need to then try to make me feel guilty.

What is the best way to deal with them? And what is the best way to educate the more irresponsible so that they can take responsibliity for their own finances rather than hold out their hand waiting for someone to give them something?

Mudpuppy wrote:The biggest issue is heading off the requests for money. Just make it a habit to never seriously discuss money with the ones who want handouts. You could take it a step further and pretend to be worst off than you actually are (e.g. complain about any tough financial spots). This might be the only way to dissuade some personality types, but you might not like having to keep up the charade.

Set boundaries and enforce them, even if that enforcement just means being a silent "wall". Growing up, I watched my great grandparents play the banker to all the family members. It was a roll they played up until they died, and even a roll they kept in their trust after death. If you take on the reputation as being the family financier, it will stay with you. If you don't want to do that, set boundaries.

Nobody has asked me for anything, but I can see it happening sometime. My aunt and uncle played that role, giving money to their one adult kid who manage their finances poorly (i.e. overspend) while giving nothing to the responsible kid.

GRT2BOUTDOORS wrote:
Have you seen some of the other threads about what happens when you have a mortgage burning party?

I paid off my mortgage and kept it between myself, my wife, my bank and a few family members (I told my father later when he said he was thinking about paying his off). Why would you have a mortgage burning party unless at least some part of you wanted to flaunt it in the face of your friends and relatives? Who is really to blame for their reaction?

P.S. Do you throw parties to celebrate promotions and pay raises? I never did.

The same reason why you have a birthday party, a wedding party, a religious party, an anniversary party, a school graduation party, a prom or a retirement party - to celebrate a milestone, the attainment of a goal after a long and hard struggle, the lifting of a burden on someone's shoulders. No one is flaunting anything other than to celebrate and sharing that happiness with others. Heck, I'd just throw a party without a stated theme, that you should keep between your wife and yourself - don't even tell your kids.

zeke5867 wrote:[Nobody has asked me for anything, but I can see it happening sometime. My aunt and uncle played that role, giving money to their one adult kid who manage their finances poorly (i.e. overspend) while giving nothing to the responsible kid.

In Millionaire Next Door, the authors argue that the "nothing kids" are actually given more and end up more successful.

This was certainly true in my family but the emotional pain of never being accepted/wanted never goes away. I have a good life and when the subject comes up I point out all the "wonderful" things they have that I don't. I'm also sure to bring up the sad fact that I have no children who will take care of me so I must save as much as possible for my old age.

Sometimes when they start with how lucky I am or how much money I have I'll say "yeah, it would be nice" just to tone it down.

By the way, I'm probably one of the poorest on this forum, with no prospects (not a recent grad just starting out) and am below median in my city.

zeke5867 wrote:Anyway I've had to deal with some snarky remarks from relatives as if I make "big money". The other day, a family member asked, are you working and making "all that money". My grandmother once told an acquaintance one time that I make "big bucks" while I was standing there.

People frequently make these types of comments when they are fishing for information or trying to invoke humility. Usually, these people are not smart and not nice.

Victoria

WINNER of the 2015 Boglehead Contest. |
Every joke has a bit of a joke. ... The rest is the truth. (Marat F)

Sunflower wrote:By the way, I'm probably one of the poorest on this forum, with no prospects (not a recent grad just starting out) and am below median in my city.

It's not about how much money you make, it's about what you do with it. And trust me, there's plenty of people on this forum with modest net worth (I personally still have negative net worth due to my house being so underwater). The key thing is that we're saving and building the net worth, instead of spending every penny and then borrowing to spend some more. As long as you live below your means, you will be infinitely more wealthy than those who live paycheck to paycheck or who are in debt up to their eyeballs (the majority of people).

zeke5867 wrote:.... The other day, a family member asked, are you working and making "all that money". My grandmother once told an acquaintance one time that I make "big bucks" while I was standing there.

I really do not see what the problem is. Your grandmother is obviously proud of you and especially that you have a job making the big bucks. Nothing wrong with that and there is no reason for you to deny it. I am wondering why you would consider it an insult? Folks have said that around me: "Yep, Dr. Live Soft makes the big bucks." and I usually laugh and say, "Yep, I do make the big bucks and you can to. All you have to do is ...." Then I finish up with "And that's why you drive a nicer car than me." Of course, they do not want do what it takes to make the big bucks, but they do have a better appreciation of what it takes.