Here’s one for you. I’ve been married to my wife for almost 25 years. I honestly love her to death because I see how we have aged and become one together. The problem is, I’m just not sexually satisfied. My wife refuses to do anything oral on me, but gladly accepts it when I do it on her. I have a former co-worker whom shares an equal attraction with me. We’d love to be together but I will not do that ever. So what do you suggest?

I have to admit something. Reading this infuriated me in a way. How can a person go from “I honestly love her to death because I see how we have aged and become one together” to “We’d love to be together”(speaking of a former co-worker) in one paragraph??!!

It sounds like you are willing to cheat on your soul mate for a sex act! I am honestly really disturbed. That said, I will try not to be judgmental, and chalk this inquiry up to your being frustrated by not being fulfilled in the bedroom.

Here’s the thing. I’m not going to tell you that sex is unimportant and that you don’t deserve to be pleased physically. But what I am going to say are two things. First, having an affair with someone you used to work with is not going to make you happy. It might make you happy for a few weeks or even months, but you are going to wake up one day and say, “I threw away a 25 year marriage for physical pleasure.”

Your comment, “We’d love to be together,” just isn’t true. What you’d really love to have happen is that your wife of 25 years pleasure you in a way that you are desiring. So, instead of taking the coward’s way out and turning to another woman for a quick fix, TALK to your soul mate. Tell her what you need and want. That’s what best friends do. That’s probably why the two of you are still in love after 25 years. If talking isn’t working well enough, seek help from a therapist. Helping couples communicate is what they do!

Your wife’s problem with oral sex most likely has nothing to do with you. So find out what’s going on with her. I know nothing about your marriage or the life you have had, but if you are still saying “I honestly love her to death,” than the two of you have probably managed to work through some pretty serious life issues, many of which I have to believe were most likely more challenging than oral sex. Again, I’m not minimizing your problem, just trying to tell you that I think it’s a workable issue.

Best of luck and I will leave you with this advice. When you aren’t getting something you want out of a relationship, communication is almost always the best way to work things out. But you already knew that. You have managed to stay happily married for 25 years. Don’t mess things up now!

Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.