Sir Philip Green branded ‘the unacceptable face’

“Well, to begin with, his eyebrows are way too far apart,” said Chair of the Work and Pensions select committee Frank Field.

“Then there’s the pseudo-mullet, the big fat mouth, the floppy chin jowl and, obviously, the intense naked evil and hatred of all humankind that lies behind the eyes.”

Sir Philip Green’s face’s reputation is left in tatters following the report published on Monday. It features evidence from former executives and advisors.

“I used to have nightmares about Sir Philip’s giant, unacceptable face chasing me through a dark wood at night whilst it screamed ‘I’m mates with Kate Moss, you know’,” said a former Arcadia executive.

“He demanded that the gents’ and ladies’ toilets at all branches of BHS featured big pictures of his face on the wall,” said another.

“It was definitely unacceptable.”

The report finds that Sir Philip did nothing to address problems with his face.

“He could at least had that mole removed,” said Mr Field.

Following the investigation into Sir Philip Green’s face, the Work and Pension’s committee will now launch an investigation into Sir Philip Green’s body, with an investigation into his feet expected by the end of the year.