Diane Roberts: Hey, football fans! How’s Donald Trump gonna do?

Greeting sportsfans, I’m Brent Toast of ESPN, along with former Heisman winner Johnny Twitt. Welcome to the most important event of 2016, the college football national championship! Who will prevail?

Will it be the Clemson University Tigers, led by evangelical whackjob Dabo Swinney, or the Crimson Tide of Alabama, coached by gazillionaire and part-time Bond villain Nick Saban?

But first, let’s look at the second-most important event of 2016, the race for the White House. Who’s playing with his hand in the dirt? Who’s got his ears pinned back?

And — this is crucial — who’s No. 1 in pandering? Johnny?

Thanks, Brent. Right now I’d say you’ve got to give the edge to Carly Fiorina. Her 40 time ain’t that hot — at 22 hours, it’s right up there with the Matanuska Glacier — but there’s nobody out there more shameless.

That’s pretty tragic right there, Johnny. Not even “Jeb for the Hawkeyes.”

No.

No. What about Marco Rubio?

Could be a momentum issue: the Michigan Wolverines delivered an old-fashioned fanny-whupping to Marco Rubio’s Gators down in the Citrus Bowl.

That had to hurt. Bad year all round for Florida, Johnny. Houston owned FSU in the Peach and USF got slapped harder than a redheaded stepchild by Western Kentucky. Plus, Rick Scott is their governor.

Ugly, Brent. Ugly.

What’s happening with the Democrats, football-wise?

Well, Brent, no one’s actually seen the Democrats, since they held their debates on game nights, and Hillary Clinton has failed to tell us who she’s supporting in Monday night’s championship game. I have to think it’s Clemson: the state of Alabama has pretty much outlawed Democrats.

South Carolina has an early primary, too. What about Donald Trump?

Well, that’s the big question. We reached out to his campaign but all they’d say is that he roots for the Wharton School of Business.

The Wharton doesn’t have its own football team, Johnny. Must be some confusion with the U Penn Quakers.

Au contraire, Brent. Trump specifically stated that the Quakers are “huge losers” and that he would kill ISIS the way they taught him to at Wharton.

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