AFC East - Domestic Beer

Well if the New England Patriots don’t represent the NFL’s top advertiser, who the hell would? Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’ve been the measuring stick in the NFL for the last 15 years.

The biggest obstacle that could stand in the way of the Patriots would be the loss of both cornerbacks, Darrelle Revis and Brandon Browner. That presents their defense with some limitations, but they still have a slew of talent on that side of the ball. Jerod Mayo, Jamie Collins, Dont’a Hightower, Brad Fletcher and Super Bowl hero Malcolm Butler are all capable of keeping opposing offenses at bay.

Remember last season when the Patriots were 2-2 and people were discussing how the regime was finally over? Then they got pissed off, crushed the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday Night Football and never looked back. “Oh, but they cheated!” Fuck off, it never made a difference and I have a total disregard for your word if you believe it did.

The Patriot haters of the world can toot their Brady suspension horns, but you’ll be seeing New England in mid-January once again.2. Miami Dolphins

Budweiser

Tends to be the overlooked brother of Bud Light, but certainly can measure up – ya know, as far as domestic beers go. This season, that applies to the Miami Dolphins.

Ryan Tannehill is drawing a fuck-ton of hype this year and there’s a good goddamn reason for it. He’s got quite the crew of underrated receivers to work with, guys like Jarvis Landry and Kenny Stills who had decent 2014 showings, and rookie DeVante Parker, who will have a big slot role if he can get healthy.

Plus, Lamar Miller has finally busted out and become one of the league’s better weapons, which takes a certain amount of pressure away from the quarterback.

What this team will need is a better defense against the run – and the signing of Ndamukong Suh is going to do just that. Love him or hate him, Suh brings ferocious play to the defensive line and he’s an instant upgrade to both the pass rush and plugging the middle against running backs.

It’s not time for the Dolphins to overtake New England, but it’s coming.3. Buffalo Bills

Miller Lite

Miller Lite is to Bud Light what Pepsi is to Coke – the pesky sibling that tries so hard to beat their competition, but ultimately never will. Gone are the days of the Miller Lite catfight commercials, and gone are the glory days of the Buffalo Bills.Their last postseason appearance was more than 15 years ago, and that hilariously ended on the Music City Miracle where Frank Wycheck made a forward pass on a kickoff. Before that, the team had 4 consecutive Super Bowl appearances from 1990 – 1993 and won exactly 0 of them. But, those were about as close to glory days as the Bills can get.Now, there is certainly some hope this year. The defense is rock solid, rivaled only by that of the Seattle Seahawks, and the offensive side of the ball has promising pieces in Shady McCoy and Sammy Watkins. Unfortunately, they have one weakness and it will be exposed often in 2015.

E.J. Manuel, Matt Cassel and Tyrod Taylor do not make for viable quarterback options in the NFL. Manuel was a questionable pick when he was drafted in 2013 and Cassel and Taylor are career back-ups. No, I didn’t forget about Cassel’s stint in Kansas City before he was run outta town.

The Bills could be a respectable 8-8 or 9-7 behind Marcell Dareus and Mario Williams, but they aren’t in the same region as the Dolphins or Patriots.

4. New York Jets

Pabst Blue RibbonI’ve found that when I get PBR in public, older people tend to look at me funny and then kind of laugh as they remember how good their youth was as they drank that shit. I feel as though people do that with the Jets or when they see Joe Namath.The defense certainly brings some hope to the table – the returns of Antonio Cromartie and Darrelle Revis will keep the Jets in some ball games. The drafting of Leonard Williams will help and if Sheldon Richardson could keep his fat ass out of trouble, it’d be hard to envision any quarterback having a good day against the Jets’ defense.

It’s the offense that’s going to truly hold the team back. Again, there are weapons – Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker make for decent starting receivers. The backfield consisting of Chris Ivory, Bilal Powell, and Zac Stacy has to be able to cultivate some level of talent. But Ryan Fitzpatrick? Matt Flynn?

Look, I wasn’t willing to write off Geno Smith just yet, but when you have such a doubtful situation, can’t you think of something better than that?

At this point, I say wing it and start Bryce Petty. Can’t get much worse right?

AFC North - Scotch

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Johnnie Walker Gold LabelAs a guy who’s a fan of the Bengals, Reds and Kentucky Wildcats, it is so fucking annoying to have rivalries in every sport that would likely be worthy of the Gold Label in every sense of the word. Pittsburgh Steelers, St. Louis Cardinals, Duke Blue Devils, Louisville Cardinals… my life as a sports fan is pathetic.

Regardless, the Steelers are right back on top of the world in the NFL, despite some deficiencies on defense. In terms of fantasy, they have 2 of the game’s top performers in Le’veon Bell and Antonio Brown, the kicker of course being that both of those guys now have expectations that are higher than 50 hippies.The keys to the Steelers’ success lie in the development of Ryan Shazier and in determining if Bud Dupree can play in the NFL. Defense generally isn’t an issue for the Steelers, but this is one of those rare years where that could be what holds them to less than 12 wins (yes, they’re getting at least 11 regardless).I haven’t quite chosen who I’ll be predicting to be in the Super Bowl, but the Steelers are absolutely in the top 3.2. Baltimore Ravens

Johnnie Walker Green LabelJohn Harbaugh has gained a solid reputation throughout his time with the Ravens so it’s hard to believe that the Ravens are going to take a step backwards. The offense has a little bit of a different look with rookies Breshad Perriman and Maxx Williams, but leave it to the oft-forgotten about Harbaugh to figure it out.

The key to this offense – Justin Forsett. I’m saying sell sell sell your stock on him because I just do not buy that a career backup is going to put up a comparable season and save the Ravens’ offense like he did in 2014. And now there are rumblings that backup Lorenzo Taliaferro, who saw some time behind Forsett, could miss a few weeks.

And it’s also seeming to become quite the trend for Baltimore to have a stellar defense just like it is for the Steelers. C.J. Mosley and Elvis Dumervil lead the squad that should put up together another great campaign against the pass. They will need more from cornerbacks Jimmy Smith and Lardarius Webb.

If I’m wrong about Forsett – the Ravens could have a miraculous Super Bowl run of their own.3. Cincinnati Bengals

Wild Scotsman Vatted Malt ScotchTop to bottom, the Cincinnati Bengals have a top 3 roster in the NFL. They are deep and have incredibly talented guys in A.J. Green, Jeremy Hill and Vontaze Burfict. But, as Cincinnati radio personality Mo Egger says, “You are who you are, until you aren’t.”

Were this the New England Bengals, the Pittsburgh Bengals, so on and so forth, the team would likely have a championship. As it is, they don’t even have a playoff win in the Marvin Lewis era, now laughably over a decade long. Expect the falloff to commence this season.It has nothing to do with the talent – just see the above quote. Cincinnati has 4 primetime games… likely 4 losses. They have 3 road division games… again, despite success in Baltimore and Cleveland last season, likely 3 losses. They play Seattle at home… make no mistake, Andy Dalton isn’t going to get past Richard Sherman. 8 losses.What an absolute waste.4. Cleveland Browns

Ballantine’s Gold SealI’m not sure if the Cleveland Browns are still laughable or if they are just infuriating beyond all belief from a logical perspective. They’ve decided that journeyman quarterback Josh McCown will be a workable starter – I’m not a Manziel fan but I have never seen a team believe less in their first round quarterback than Cleveland.

And it’s truly a shame that the Browns continue to dig this hole for themselves because there’s a lot of talent worth looking at on this team. The defense is loaded with Paul Kruger, Barkevious Mingo, Joe Haden, Tramon Williams and Donte Whitner. The offense has workable running backs in Isaiah Crowell, Terrance West and rookie Duke Williams. Even the receivers, though maybe past their primes, bring some talent – Dwayne Bowe, Brian Hartline and Andrew Hawkins.

Yet, here’s a team that once again showed some hope last season, only to give up on Brian Hoyer and yet still not fully give Johnny Manziel the key to the engine. They will win 4, maybe 5 games in 2015.

Until this team will get the hell out of its own way and get a true franchise quarterback, they will continue to be the NFL’s punchline. That Mike Pettine is willing to give McCown the starting job after all of his failures as a quarterback could be the beginning of his demise.

AFC South - Tequila

1. Indianapolis Colts

Patron

If you’re looking for a fun night, you certainly turn to tequila. Of all the liquors, it will absolutely make you the best version of yourself. And if you want the top shelf, you get the Patron.

In the AFC, the Colts are hands-down the favorites to win their division, and likely by the largest margin. It’s seemed like they have been missing something the last couple seasons (cough cough running game) that cut their postseason runs short.

Boom Herron had some good showings in 2014, but with an experienced back in Frank Gore backing Andrew Luck, this offense might just be one of the most unstoppable in the NFL. Like the Steelers, one of the other perennial AFC favorites, there are questions on defense.

The team drafted D’Joun Smith and Henry Anderson – a cornerback and defensive end, respectively – to help bolster a defense whose only real star is D’Qwell Jackson. Vontae Davis and Bjoern Werner will certainly be guys that can make a difference this year and catapult the Colts back to the Super Bowl.

Getting to play the likes of the Texans, Jaguars, and Titans must be nice.2. Houston Texans

Jose Cuervo

Like the Buffalo Bills, the Texans certainly have a lot of firepower that could catapult them into true contention in the AFC, but that glaring quarterback hole is a true deficiency in today’s NFL.

Truthfully, I’m a fan of Brian Hoyer, but he won’t take you any further than Alex Smith or Andy Dalton will. With a receiver like DeAndre Hopkins on the team, whoever is throwing the ball will be made to look a little better. Unfortunately, just when they thought that was their biggest problem, Arian Foster needs groin surgery.

That leaves Bill O’Brien’s offense to deal with either Alfred Blue or Chris Polk to start in the meantime, and once you get past Hopkins, the only viable receiving options are Nate Washington and Cecil Shorts. The offense, while loaded with potential, is going to struggle to get points.

Houston’s defense wasn’t great, but wasn’t too bad last season. The ageless Jonathan Joseph remains in a Texans’ uniform and forms a pretty good secondary with Kareem Jackson opposite him. If Jadeveon Clowney is healthy at the beginning of the season, it’ll be interesting to see how he and Watt perform together and terrorize quarterbacks.3. Jacksonville Jaguars

Sauza Gold

Sometimes I just wonder if the football Gods have given up on Jacksonville, given that their first round pick was done for the season not just after a cup of coffee in the NFL, but after his first sip of it. This team has been awful for quite a few seasons in a row now.

Still, I see something to develop here. More than 5 wins? No, but if some of the offensive pieces – T.J. Yeldon, Julius Thomas, Marqise Lee – can get healthy, then we may see some decent development from Blake Bortles (for better or worse). Allen Robinson and Allen Hurns make a very interesting receiver tandem. Fantasy hopes are high(ish) for Robinson, so watch out for his production this season.

Jacksonville still isn’t great on defense, but I guess the same could be said of them – there are pieces there that you can build on. Paul Posluszny is quietly one of the league’s better inside linebackers, with help on either side from Telvin Smith and Dan Skuta. Safety Johnathan Cyprien – once healthy – is capable of being a top 10 safety as well.

Maybe next season they won’t have a top 5 draft pick…. Lofty goals.4. Tennessee Titans

Montezuma

There isn’t much in this world that tastes as foul as Montezuma tequila. And there aren’t many teams in the NFL that are going to be as bad as the Tennessee Titans.

This doesn’t have anything to do with how good or bad I find Marcus Mariota to be – for the record, my jury is still out on him. But think about this offense right now – Kendall Wright and Hakeem Nicks lead a rather lackluster corps of receivers. Delanie Walker would be TE2 on most teams, but he pathetically passes for a No.1 option in the Titans’ offense. Quick – name the running back without looking.

… his name is Bishop Sankey and he’s a second-year back out of Washington. Tell me how that team is going to keep up with the Indianapolis Colts or the nation’s best high school football offense for that matter (okay, so it’s not that bad, but you see my point).

Even a healthy Devin McCourty won’t save what is a very lackluster defense. Strap in Titans fans… I expect 2015 to be a long season in the Music City.

AFC West - Liquer

1. San Diego Chargers

Kahlua

Yeah when you start running low on categories, this is where you end up… coffee liqueurs. But hey, every now and then, maybe it’s cool to tailgate with an Irish Coffee on those colder days instead of a beer (pretend for me).

Alas, after all of this breakdown and journalistic/analytic excellence, we arrive at one of Dunn’s few bold predictions for 2015. It’s often forgotten how good Kahlua is in a good white russian, or just poured into some coffee, and I feel that people fail to see the talent in San Diego.

Cornerback Jason Verrett is setup to have a breakout season after struggling to stay on the field in 2014, but the run defense will need to be better (pull your shit together Manti Te’o).

On offense, people often forget about how good Phillip Rivers has been over the course of his career, and he’s got pretty solid receivers to work with in Keenan Allen, Malcolm Floyd and now, Stevie Johnson. He stands to be an x-factor for this team this season after he struggled to make a name for himself in San Francisco.

Now with a much more solidified run game under Melvin Gordon, things seem to be clicking in San Diego so I fully expect that they will take over the Denver Broncos.

2. Denver Broncos

Bailey’s It’s the one everyone goes for – Bailey’s. Who doesn’t enjoy a nice strong shot of the stuff in their morning coffee, and who the fuck can resist the temptation of projecting Peyton’s final run towards a Super Bowl.

I can! The demise started towards the latter half of last season and I fully expect it to continue into 2015. Denver’s defense has plenty of firepower and absolutely is going to perform pretty well with Von Miller, Aqib Talib, and DeMarcus Ware on the field.I don’t buy into Demaryius Thomas or Emmanuel Sanders duplicating their numbers from last season. I don’t buy into C.J. Anderson – I believe the running back position will fall into just as much turmoil as it was in last season. And I finally don’t buy Gary Kubiak as a good NFL head coach.It’s time for the demise of this Broncos’ regime.3. Kansas City Chiefs

Avion EspressoTo be honest, Kansas City is the team that gets all kinds of hype year after year after year, and I will never understand why. Jamaal Charles cannot carry the team on his own.I will give them credit though – they saw that their receivers had as many touchdowns as I did last season and sought to fix that problem by signing former Eagle Jeremy Maclin. The issue is that opposite Maclin is a guy named Albert Wilson – an undrafted free agent from last season who made 16 catches last year.

Okay so that problem hasn’t been fixed that well. Alex Smith is doing about what I expected him to do – tread water. Smith is not going to get you any kind of championship – efficient does not equal effective.

In order to have a shot, tight end Travis Kelce may have to be Smith’s go-to guy and the currently injured Dontari Poe needs to get healthy and lead what could be a good defense to plugging the run gaps better. That’s something they struggled with in 2014.4. Oakland Raiders

Ryan’s

Ryan’s is kind of like Bailey’s, except it tastes like Bailey’s with an excess of water and shit poured into it. Alas, it makes for a good option if it’s all you have.

Oakland, to keep their situation short because no one thinks they’re going to be that good, has a nice foundation to build on. The defense should improve this year with second-year linebacker Khalil Mack and veteran defensive end Justin Tuck leading the charge. It’s a work in progress – that simple.

Ironically – though I guess this could be said of the Raiders since 2002 – the same could be said of the offense. Derek Carr had good moments during the 2014 season that was his rookie year. The key to the Raiders winning 6 or 7 games – which I think they will – is that Carr has pieces to work with.

The abysmal running game appears to have a star in Latavius Murray, while Carr now has Amari Cooper and Michael Crabtree (who was in bad need of a change in scenery) to throw the ball to.

I’m not saying the Raiders will be in the postseason in even 2016, but this is a team on the rise.