Siskel And Juche: North Korea Condemns Seth Rogen But Also These Films

Our buds over in North Korea (national slogan, “Hey, who turned the lights out? Also, what are lights?”) recently jumped into the film criticism game. See, what had happened was, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie (The Interview) about assassinating Kim Jong-un, the gloriously round North Korean despot (I’ll tell you what they are really assassinating, comedy, heeeyoooo). And lo, and also behold, North Korea fired back! Here’s an except via our other friends at “The Independent”:

Myong-choi, who is a Japanese-based unofficial spokesman for the Pyonyang regime, said the plot of ‘The Interview’ was ironic due to the Americaís past record of assassinating leaders.

How lucky is that dude to be Japanese-based? Also, can I be the unofficial spokesman for the Luxembourg regime? That’d be de’luxe. Soldiering on …

Speaking to The Telegraph, he said: “A film about the assassination of a foreign leader mirrors what the US has done in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria and Ukraine.”

Did we kill someone in the Ukraine that I missed? The other ones might be true. I don’t know. We definitely kill some folks. The only time “droning on” isn’t boring is when you’re on the wrong side of a hellfire missile. Maybe the best-named piece of military hardware ever, tied with the “hunter-killer” Soviet submarine type.

Now, while this is probably in poor taste, it also should be noted that no one cares. The North Korean lobbying cabal is pretty small, mostly because they’d have to pay bribes in nuclear weapons or rocks. Still, we love the idea of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea jumping right into our swimming pool to play with us. It’s widely known we’re the arbiters of film taste, up to and including your mom, so we reached out to Myong-choi (or “MC Nuke” as his pals call him) for the official unofficial North Korean take on other movies that we made up off the top of our head:

(Note: All should be read in a bratty third-world dictator voice.)

Grown Ups: “It’s ironic that the imperialist running dogs of America continue to subsidize David Spade. He wouldn’t last two seconds in the glorious republic of North Korea’s labor camps.”

The Hangover: The only Hangover will be when North Korea rains down fire upon the capitalist pigs of the United States!!! Unless China tells us not to.

Transformers: Age of Extinction (they saw an early screening): Our magnificent leader Kim Jong-un can transform whenever he wants to crush beneath his robot boot the illegitimate Obama regime and the sub-standard living conditions of the entire cast of the “Housewives” series on Bravo.

The Hunger Games: Pass.

Kill Bill: We liked this one, so long as she decides to kill her uncle too. Those bastards are always getting into our bidness.

Universal

In North Korea, the radio plays YOU.

Pitch Perfect: Kim Jong-un can sing, dance, and quip better than any of these bitches. But not Bumper. Dios mios, that kid can really roll.

How to Train Your Dragon 2: The true dragon the so-called “United” States should fear is the coming 40,000 years of proud rule from the entire Jong family, coming soon to a theater near you. Also, North Korean dragons come pre-trained. Also, any dragon without a tail feather should be summarily executed, as they are not worthy of the North Korean salve of excellence.

The Wolf of Wall Street: How does Jonah Hill gain all that weight back so speedily? Asking for an entire population.

The Shawshank Redemption: Totally fake, this would never work. They end up catching you every time.

I see the red light flashing, so that’s my time. If you really want to have your socks knocked completely off by this subject take a gander at “Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea“. No power, little food, no Internet and automatic death or labor camp for any dissent. It’s basically hell on Earth. [Vince’s Note: I also read this book! I just wanted you guys to know that I read sometimes.]

You could also just follow my Twitter. I tweet about North Korean on a neverly basis.

“Also, we liked the beginning of the new version of Red Dawn, but then it got too unrealistic when the flabby American teenagers began to defeat our glorious soldiers. The original The Manchurian Candidate was actually pretty good though. Brainwashing rulez!” *flashes hook ’em horns sign*

“Maybe the best-named piece of military hardware ever, tied with the ‘hunter-killer’ Soviet submarine type.” You’re just gonna sit there and pretend like the A-10 Warthog doesn’t even exist, aren’t you?