I had group therapy last night and it was very dissatisfying. It's called a support group for a reason. And you'd think that the two psychologists that help run it would understand the difference between support, advice, and flat out telling me what to do. I felt like I got minimal support followed by mostly backlash. But because of confidentiality I'll report only on how the session made me feel.

If any of you have read my other threads, you'll understand what caused this crisis for me, I'm grieving a horrendous loss, the loss of my abuser, my brother, my cousin, my best friend, my completion, my everything (These are all what he was to me in my mind). And the disappointment in myself for succumbing to the pressure to label him a heinous monster even thought we were both kids, both unable to consent, and both for a general sense, innocent. I refuse to call my cousin anything but a human who made a mistake.

But back to how group made me feel. I felt that one of the therapist was being pretentious and conceited and was only going by the books (which where most definately bias against perpetrators, which is justified don't get me wrong, but to let that bias trickle down to child perpetrators is hypocritical and irrational, especially if the child perpetrator was himself sexually abused) I felt age stereotyped because I'm 20 and the rest of them are 30's, 40's, 50's, and even 60's and that makes me really angry. I am well above my peers in wisdom and in intellect, I am being boxed into some kind of one size fits all bullshit, and I know I'm strong and well minded. But I kept hearing them doubt me, all I heard was you can't, you shouldn't, because they think I'm just some regular old know nothing 20 some kid (and I guess it doesn't help that I look 16-17). I can't stand it, and maybe they're frustrated because it took me 1 year to get where they are now from 5-10 years. I learn fast, I move fast, I am strong, and I push forward, treat me as an individual not as a perception or a stereotype! I'm sick of people who think I don't know what I'm doing just because I'm young, and I know it's a stereotype that people my age think they know everything, but I AM NOT LIKE THEM, I ADMIT WHEN I'M WRONG, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY WHEN I MAKE MISTAKES, I LISTEN TO REASON, I AM OPEN MINDED, I AM FREE OF THE LIMITATIONS PUT ON PEOPLE OF MY AGE GROUP. I have NEVER succumbed to peer pressure in a negative way, I am strong in my will and in my self. And I would think a SUPPORT group would try and help reinforce my believe in myself, not contradict and question it! I was actually told, by one CSA survivor, that he'd rather not have heard my story because it was too difficult to hear. WTF!? THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN THERAPY? I am angry now, I am sick of being downtrodden, I am sick of being under-estimated.

I know who the fuck I am and I know what the fuck I am capable of. I've made it this far and I DO NOT plan to step down, EVER.

By the way, thank you guys for all the SUPPORT you've given me, this is what I should've got from my support group, but you guys are great, thank you so much. I wish we all never had to feel this pain I spoke of, but it makes me feel better at least knowing that there are people who can understand the pain I am talking of, but not because there are people out there who have had to endure it.

_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

I want to post this here for anyone else who feels lost, who feels the pain I have felt. I want to try and help to show them it does subside, and it won't be like this forever. Here's a memoir of just the beginning of last year as taken from my journal.

---

It's like a war inside my head.

Struggling to understand my morals and beliefs. Drowning in my memories, such deep remorse that brings great shame and guilt. The darkness tears me down & shatters the beliefs I once had. Forsaken by God, my soul screaming out for anything. It's ripping me apart. I see no answers, nothing makes sense.

But there's so many questions. The darkness shackles my ankles and pulls me deeper into the abyss, I can't breathe. It's unbearable pain, my mind is eating me alive. I tell myself I don't deserve anything, I failed the ones I loved most.

I hurt so bad. Everything hurts me, I can't even eat. I don't know what to do, everything hurts no matter what. I've had to force myself just to take a shower, I have to force myself to eat. It hurts so bad sometimes it hurts just to breathe. With each breathe I take, more pain comes in. I can feel my body failing me. I have such deep emotional pain, no one could ever understand.

I have told everybody, I'm a fucking open book to everybody. Nobody has made me feel any better. No doctor, No professional, No family member, Not even my own mother and father can help me. I have no friends, I don't even know what a friend is. I don't know how to be a friend either.

I just want this nightmare to end.

---

That was a year ago, and I've felt this on and off last year, but now this year I felt it just this week and it's subsided enough to go on. I'm no miracle, I'm still lonely at times, I have no friends. All I have is my mom and dad (who failed me, yet I've forgiven) my therapist (who I didn't even like until now) and that's about it. I only just got into group at the turn of this year. It's not going amazingly, but who knows, It could help. If I can inspire you to hold on, just hold on. The pain will come and go, and the more you learn to deal with it, the more you face it, the more you can handle it. It gets smaller and smaller, maybe not in intensity, but in duration. I'm making it, you can too. I'm not miracle, I am who I am, a survivor, and you are too. But you have to face that pain, you cannot run, it's impossible. And for anyone out there asking how can I make this pain more endurable? I only know what worked for me, and it is crying. Cry your heart out, because you should, you have every reason to cry, it's empowering and validating. It shows credence to your hurt and it lets you feel it for what it is.

Thank you all for your support guys, this website has been a blessing for me. I am proud to be on the journey of recovery with all of you amazingly brave, courageous, & strong people.

Edited by CloudyFalls (02/08/1303:16 PM)

_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

I learn fast, I move fast, I am strong, and I push forward, treat me as an individual not as a perception or a stereotype! I'm sick of people who think I don't know what I'm doing just because I'm young, and I know it's a stereotype that people my age think they know everything, but I AM NOT LIKE THEM, I ADMIT WHEN I'M WRONG, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY WHEN I MAKE MISTAKES, I LISTEN TO REASON, I AM OPEN MINDED, I AM FREE OF THE LIMITATIONS PUT ON PEOPLE OF MY AGE GROUP. I have NEVER succumbed to peer pressure in a negative way, I am strong in my will and in my self. ...I am angry now, I am sick of being downtrodden, I am sick of being under-estimated.

I know who the fuck I am and I know what the fuck I am capable of. I've made it this far and I DO NOT plan to step down, EVER.

that is a SURVIVOR speaking!!!you are doing much better than you think, to have been able to say those extremely positive affirmations about yourself. WELL DONE - and keep up the STRONG sense of who you are.

regardless of what the other issues are - which i know is really preoccupying now (and which stinks, naturally) - i hope you can bask for a moment in the admiration and appreciation of at least one of your peers here - who say - "keep up the fight - you are worth it."

Lee

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

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