Friday, October 23, 2009

So this week was much better. Wa-hoo! I felt so good I even busted out the old sewing machine and started a new project using this thrifted humongous wedding dress that I stole for $9.99.

All that material and beading… You’ll never guess what magical transformation I’m endeavoring to tackle with it.

I can’t wait to show you the finished projects. I’m giddy with excitement every moment that I squeeze into working on it.

The kiddo’s don’t have school today so I’m letting them sleep in a bit. But when they get up we are going to have some fun.

My baby turned 4 this last week and I’m still in shock over it. Don’t know whether it’s the shock from surviving four years of one of the most active, energetic wonders born on the planet or…

Could it be four years of rubbing shoulders with a miracle that leaves me bursting with joy every time she hugs me. My little Hope has taught me more about God’s love than nearly any other person I know.

So I’ll take the frantic exercise in discovering what she’s up to any day; because it means another day of living with a true miracle and angel.

I do however, think it’s high time I taught her how to play with babies. She’s always holding them upside down.

Future grandkids beware if I don’t.

Guess what else? I saw Fuzzy-Wuzzy the bear again on Wednesday night as I was coming home from my Scripture Study Meeting. Had my camera in hand and everything. But the darn thing was on the wrong setting and he lumbered into the tall grass before I could get it right. So I snapped this picture when I got home instead. Our rickety fence was very haunted looking and even though I’ve been meaning to get out and fix it, I think I’ll wait until after Halloween since it lends itself to an eerie atmosphere.

When I was little I loved the fact that George and Mary Bailey renovated an old home for their own.

I’ve often dreamed of buying an older character home and making it mine. Who’d have thought that I’d be living that dream with my very own newer home. I’ve watched it crumble around me to the point where I think it has a mind of it’s own.

Lately though, the scary abode hasn’t been so scary. (Knock on wood, because I’m not begging for something new to break down.) I’m actually starting to get excited again about reclaiming all of it’s broken parts. Dreaming of claw foot tubs, farm sinks, cream cabinets, tiled floors, and fresh paint. The home is 18 years old and it might take us another 18 years to scratch up the money to reclaim it – but I feel it will happen.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

So in addition to me moving a bit faster (Go Cardio), we caught raindrops on our tongues. Had there been any puddles we might have stopped and splashed around a bit. See I am movin’ again.

After my last whiney post (sorry, it was a downer), I realized that sure, UnBlogAbles happen and they can throw you for a loop, mess with your mental and all. However, I was also allowing it to be a crutch for allowing prior emotional eating, lack of exercise bad habits to sneak back into my life. No crutch today – ate right, got off my duff and went for a walk with my little munchkin. We were loving the brisk air and changing colors, and yes even the rain.

Hope was convinced that the leaves were touched by fall fairies, and she had to collect her favorites. How else could leaves change into such vibrant colors. To a kid, fairies seem much more logical than air temperatures and light cycles affecting seasonal change.

We must have interrupted the fairies because they had just began their work on this tree.

And I think it’s time to pick this beauty out of our garden and put the patch to rest for the winter.

Had another FawnDear first this week. Saw a Black Bear in the wild about 1 mile from my home. Tried to take a picture but he scampered into the tall grass.

The furry guy was sitting under this ancient apple tree two nights in a row. The first night I was so in shock from seeing a bear in the wild so close to home, I just parked the car and watched him watch me. Silly camera was in my purse the whole time but I was too in awe to think of it. Abner and Evo-man were with me and they were as wowed as I was. The next night Prince Erik told me Fuzzy-Wuzzy was back (same evening time, same place) and so I flew there in the car this time with the camera ready. However, he didn’t wait around. I saw him scurry over to the tall grass - Just missed him. I guess he likes apples and is filling up for his hibernation nap. For the short time being I’m not taking any walks through the neighborhood in that direction. Still was magnificent to see him. Viewing these amazing creatures in the wild so buries the zoo experience, and gives you a little thrill. Love the Pacific Northwest for showing me Bald Eagles, Orca’s and now Bears in the wild. Not too sure yet that I want to see a cougar – but hey, if' I’m in my car like I was with the Bear it might be okay.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

DUH! But flawed isn’t bad if you are working on becoming better. Since I cradled my first child in my arms, have aimed at being The Perfect Mother better than I was the day before. Some days are good and others tend to see me taking a step back.

The hardest thing for me to do is change. But change comes whether I’m ready for it or not. The hardest thing about change is that it sometimes means redirecting my short-term dreams. That’s what bites.

I had dreams of carrying on our family traditions of themed costumes for Halloween – organized and pre-preparing Christmas. My kids love it and I love doing it for them. I had dreams of conquering clutter. I mean who doesn’t want a Perfect nice clean home.Those dreams I had to shelve for the time being. They are not dead, and I mean to pick them back up, but it will be awhile. And that moment of time has dragged on for the past 12 weeks and threatened, every once in a while, to engulf me in misery.

However, I am strong.

The happy, healthy, crafty, mom you often see here on my blog is just one layer of a very complicated life I find myself leading at the present. It’s my preferred layer and one I’d slip into every opportunity I could find. However the Unblogable Happened. And it’s changed me, for better and worse, whether I wanted it to or not. I find the opportunity to slip into that comfortable layer of myself coming at fewer and farther intervals.

The Worst Part: I haven’t slept well or soundly more than a handful of nights since this has happened. And lack of sleep hasn’t had a good effect on my mental judgment. Let me tell you – Zombie Mom isn’t a pretty thing to behold.

Have fun looking at that in the mirror every morning. Okay, normally I'm not pulling faces at myself.

So on advice from my young and gorgeous counselor, husband, and Dr. Dad. I’ve started doing something I’ve never done in my entire life – take sleep aids (non-addictive ones, of course).

I’m going to be Sleeping Beauty before you know it. I promise to post those pictures when my amazing transformation Don’t hold your breath happens.

I’ve gained over 25 pounds in the last 12 weeks and am now only 13 lbs lighter than I was at my all time high. If I was a swearing type of person, which I’m not. That statement would have been followed by a super long string of very colorful adjectives, which would make you blush crimson. Thank goodness I don’t Swear. But may I say, ‘Oh, My HONK!’ I let what happen to myself? My whole marvelous transformation into that half marathoner has evaporated overnight it seems.

Can I say right now that I suspect Chocolate has a dark side. Maybe, it was even created by the Devil himself. Stupid Chocolate. You are no friend of mine. So stop tempting me.

I miss my best friend more than anything in the world. Somehow knowing that it might be years before I can spend meaningful time with this most cherished friend rips my heart out. I know this person feels the same way.

Fawndear… Why then let go of the costumes and clutter fighting, especially when they brought such joy?

I’ve ran out of time. I have less than 4 days a week to do the household work of a whole week. And I’m sorry, but clean underwear and clean dishes trump costumes and that pile of clutter on the table.

I miss reading. I tend to read 2-3 books a month but when the UnBlogAble happened my mind wouldn’t focus on the pages of any book. Even books that were recommended to help me through this tough situation. I start to read and my mind goes in an entirely different direction and I’ll have to re-read the same page 3 different times before I feel I’ve even glimpsed at what the whole darn thing was about. So the escape of reading is on the back burner as well.

Enough whining FawnDear. Enough. Sorry to indulge you in my little pity party. What I really wanted to tell you was the other side.

The Better: Since the Unblogable happened, my family’s happiness means more than it ever has. Taking the moments to tuck the kids in, kiss their foreheads, and tell them how wonderful I think they are has never been easier. My priorities have never been easier to choose. Loving my family is way more important than putting on a good show for the PTA.

My testimony in my Savior has been strengthened tenfold. I witness daily, little miracles and tender mercies (Daily, I say, sometimes hourly), that tell me that I, and each of the members of my family are important and loved individually by our Heavenly Father. Those miracles have buoyed up my spirit and kept me from that misery that lurks nearby. Without that sure knowledge I know I wouldn’t have been able to handle this whole unblogable situation. Prayers are answered! And dreams do come true. Sometimes they just take a while coming around.

Angles are real. Both unseen and seen. I feel as if I’m surrounded by both. How amazing it that?

So that whole Holiday Countdown list on the side of my blog is Changing. I was feeling guilty about not being able to measure up to my own expectations. When the truth is I’ve been doing remarkable with getting anything done at all. And to recognize those small steps in the right direction, instead of telling you what I want to do over the coming week, I’m going to tell you what I was able to accomplish in preparation for the holidays. Even if it’s only 1 thing.

So last week. I finished decorating the crafts for my Fairy Godmothers cabinet.

Who knows what I’ll be able to accomplish this next week. It may be major and it might only be one little drawer uncluttered. But whatever it is, it won’t come between me and loving my children. And if my children know their mom loves them beyond all shadow of doubt, then I’ve made a difference that counts.

Thank you for listening to my rant. I'm much better now. And promise the next post will be super happy.

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

Henry David Thoreaufrom the "Conclusion" to Walden

I Belong...

". . .Dear women, I say thanks to you. Thank you for being the kind of people you are and doing the things you do. May the blessings of heaven rest upon you. May your prayers be answered and your hopes and dreams become realities. . .May you live with love one for another. May you reach down to lift up those whose burdens are heavy. May you bring light and beauty to the world and particularly into your homes and into the lives of your children. . . You may never know how much good you accomplish. Someone's life will be blessed by your effort. . . " President Gordon B. Hinckley