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A Can Of Peaches

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

"A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked
her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

Judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of
peas."

...must be love!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff".

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn?t think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding, "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.

Quarter Horse for Sale

8 Words With 2 Meanings

WORD

She Said

He Said

THINGY(thing-ee) n.

Any part under a car's hood.

The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE(vulne-ra-bel) adj.

Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION(ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
n.

The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT(ko-mit-ment) n.

A desire to get married and raise a family.

Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT(en-ter-tayn-ment)n.

A good movie, concert, play or book.

Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE(flach-u-lens) n.

An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE(may-king luv)
n.

The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL(ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

With Age Comes Wisdom... sort of

The
nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money
will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you
don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at
all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time
to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes
so little time for a child who is afraid of the darkto become a teenager who
wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because
they demonstratehow many people a company can operate without.

Why is it
that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch
a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition
than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins....the old
ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call
for a wrong number at 4 a.m.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's
only a game" when his team is winning.

I've reached the age where the
happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's
no way you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.

After a certain age, if you don't
wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The
farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to
refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He
could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert
his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time topresent the present.

8) A bass was painted on
the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the
bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was
invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how
to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The
buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a
sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer
taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the
sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19)
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate
this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy
language

...don't forget to always

And that's all
folks ;)Love, Mame

Please note: the graphics, pictures, jokes, stories and thoughtful tidbits contained on this page have been sent to me via e-mail. I am unaware of the source creators. If you know, please advise me; I would like to give credit where credit is due.Thanks s'much!

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