Unable to enjoy my sexlife.

I’ve been with my DH nearly a decade. He’s the only many I have ever had sex with.

I am finding it harder and harder to enjoy having sex with him, or even kiss him. I hate it. I don’t know why I am in this rutt. I don’t know if I am bored or what is going on.

For the last few months, I have had an increased sex drive, and had been having sex with my DH a lot, but I’ve realized the ony reason I was enjoy it, was because I was honestly thinking about other people while we were being intimate.

I feel awful.

I want to enjoy sex with my DH, but I have NO idea where to start. I’m pretty vanilla for the most part, and I don’t have a clue how to enjoy sex. I’ve had a lot of difficulty in the past with enjoying sex too. Everything from vulvar vestibulitis to recurrent painful yeast infections.

@anonnybea: You say that you are “pretty vanilla.” I’d be bored of that too. You guys have been together a long time, so it will take work to keep things exciting. What appeals to you? What appeals to him? Do you two have fantasies that you share with each other? Of course you don’t have to answer these questions for me, but you should consider them privately. There are so many things out there for you to explore. I really feel that there is no need for sex to ever get boring! I was in a 10 year relationship before the one I’m in now and I have never been bored of sex (though I have also never been vanilla).

@anonnybea: If you won’t seek therapy and say you’re bored and unattracted to your husband, what other options do you think you have other than divorce. Maybe seperation..

You’ve obviously sought help for the medical issues that could be playing a role, but seem unwilling to work on it further. I don’t know what suggestions you’re expecting other than, see a medical doctor AND a therapist. That’s all I’ve got.

ETA: Also it takes work on both sides to make a sex life exciting and fun for the long term.

@anonnybea: Have you tried ‘different’? Try ‘different’ things and find something you enjoy. If not, it could be that you’re just sexually incompatible? Again, maybe you do need to see a therapist (on your own) to work through these issues.

@anonnybea: Have you talked to your husband about this? You said you think about “other people.” What do you mean? Is there a specific person? Have you found yourself having feelings for another person or being attracted to other people? If so, this may be interfering with the feelings you have for your husband, especially with intimate relations.

@KC-2722: We’ve tried a few different things. A lot of stuff I just don’t feel comfortable with…or disgusted by. I don’t know why, I feel like a prude. DH suggests I masturbate in front of him, but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. We tried like, massage, edible powders, feathers, fantasia kinda stuff. It was ok..but I don’t really get turned n by it.

@KC-2722: …so I need t do things I don’t like? I don’t see how I’d end up enjoy it if I don’t like it or have interest in it to begin with.

I’m 100% healthy. Quite healthy. No thyroid issues. I’ve struggled with my sex drive in the past, due to my other issues I mentioned before. It’s not that I don’t have interest in sex, it just that I am not really enjoying it with my DH I guess.

@anonnybea: No no!! I’m not suggesting doing things you already know you don’t like.. that wouldn’t do anything but make things worse. I’m saying sometimes its nice to go outside your comfort zone (ie. him asking you to masturbate in front of him).

I hate to say it but if you’re 100% healthy and still have these feelings of indifference towards having sex with him.. maybe its sexual incompatibility.

Nothing insane or requiring costumes. But once we were making out in my grandparent’s house (dirty, I know), and I said “I feel like I’m a 16 year old virgin, and you’re convincing me to have sex for the first time!”

He went with it, and we had THE best sex. Ever.

Is there a kind of porn you gravitate towards? Dominance, or porn where the woman has to be convinced, or bondage?

DH prefers sorority girl porn. While I’m not willing to share, I’ve learned that he likes an occasional BJ while he watches some!