World Sports Roundup

This issue’s sports roundup shows radical changes in fortune for many players.

Finishing last was Ali Bhutto, former prime minister of the “Islamic Republic” of Pakistan. Despite the pleas of other government leaders around the world, Ali just didn’t make the finals. Calling for leniency in his behalf were such ideological opponents as Leonid Brezhnev and Jimmy Carter, which proves once more that birds of a feather flock together. No matter what their line, politicians in general are not enthusiastic about such precedents being set. To All we can only say, you plays the game—you takes your chances.

In Africa, Idi “Big Daddy” Amin Dada also seems to have petered out in the semifinals under a massive Ugandan exile/Tanzanian assault. Amin, who once told President Julius Nyerere of Tanzania that if the latter were a woman, he would marry him, is probably wishing right now that he had. Early reports have it that Amin has been denied asylum by every nation in Africa, as well as by Guyana and the Church of Scientology.

In the far east, Vietnam seems to have gotten tied up in a seventh inning stretch in Cambodia. An unnamed military advisor to the newly formed revolutionary government was quoted as saying, “Our troops are not bogged down in Cambodia, we have not lost a single battle with the Khymer Rouge, the Cambodian people invited us into their country, and furthermore, we never went in in the first place.” He added, “We believe that we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

China, disappointing countless noncombatants along the border, stepped into the fray vowing to “punish Vietnam” for the latter’s incursions into Cambodia. Unconfirmed reports have it that the Chinese have requested “allied” troops from the United States, Australia, South Korea, and other “freedom-loving nations who wish to halt Soviet social imperialism in southeast Asia.” General Curtis Lemay personally has volunteered to lead a crack division in support of the Chinese invasion. “They should have gotten in there when we still had troops there,” Lemay is reported to have said. “We probably would have beaten the Ruskies.” China has not yet accepted Lemay’s offer of support, as it claims to no longer have any troops in Vietnam. “We never even had troops there in the first place,” said one high advisor to the Chinese mission to the United Nations. Asked by one pundit if the Chinese could see the end of the tunnel in Vietnam, he replied, “We haven’t even bothered to look. Anyway, Vietnam is full of tunnels.”

Meanwhile, in the Soviet Union, government officials denied that reciprocal action against China was planned. “No way,” said an unidentified spokesman. He declined to comment further, saying that he was far too busy preparing his own roundups to talk to reporters.

Finishing way ahead of the pack was Ayatollah Khomeini, who was traded in a spectacular move for the entire population of Iran. Speaking from the Ayatollah’s locker room in the holy city of Qom, one of his aides told the press, “The people of Iran make all of the decisions facing our country. The Ayatollah Khomeini is the voice of the decisions of the Iranian people.” Well, if nothing else, that certainly simplifies things all the way around!

The next few months promise lots of exciting events for the sports fans. Several tourneys in central America, where President Samoza of Nicaragua has been reported talking about contracts with history as well as making secret phone calls to the former Shah (when is a shah not a shah?) of Iran in Reno. North and South Yemen look hot. But, everybody is laying down big money on the Egyptian-Israeli Treaty—how long? And the dreambooks ain’t talkin’. Bets are also hot and heavy on Big Daddy Amin’s questionable longevity. So, until next time…see you at the bookie’s.