MR. CHIMPANZEE: Operetta in one act

by

Translated and adapted by

Frank J. Morlock (2003)

This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in print
or other media may be made without the express consent of the Copyright
Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about performance
rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or audio or any
other media, including readings for which an entrance fee or the like is
charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt
Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or FrankMorlock at msn.com. Other works
by this author may be found at CadyTech,
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Edited to HTML by Zvi Har’El from an Etext by Dagny

Characters

VAN CARCASS, employed at the Museum of Rotterdam

ETAMINE, his daughter

BAPTISTE, his servant

ISIDORE, Called THE CHIMPANZEE

AT RISE, Baptiste is alone on the stage waxing the floor, proudly he
interrupts his work and stands straight up.

BAPTISTE: What! to leave possibly one of the greatest families in
Spain and to be reduced to entering the domestic service in the home of a
museum curator! To descend from the Dukes of Las Pirouettas y Guimbardo y
Tambour de Basco de la Cibouletta and to ceaselessly climb up to the top
of a granary! to serve a man who lives in the midst of stuffed animals!
Fatal destiny! bitter scorn! (he waxes, raging) After that, Doctor
Van Carcass, my master, has a very pretty daughter, Miss Etamine! Truly,
beside her, the Queen would almost seem ugly! I love that young girl
whose childhood was spent in the midst of animal skeletons of all sorts:
why doesn’t she love me? (he clasps the mop to his breast) Under
this broom beats a manly heart? Yes! a warm heart beats! meaning, no! a
heart beats warmly! No. In the end, never mind! (coming forward)
Ah! If I was in Spain, young girl, if I had a jerkin with sleeves like
they have there. (he points to his used smock coat) If I wore the
high breeches of my ancestors—I would sing you a serenade.

(Baptiste sings and accompanies himself with his broom.)

BAPTISTE: By Saint James of Compestella,
I would say to you: Hey, beautiful,
Come smoke a cigarette,
Come with your caballero,
Come with me to Castilla!
Come where the Sherry sparkles,
Come to the palace of the Alcazar,
By our lady of El Pilar!
In your promenade
It’s my serenade
Following your steps
Nothing can separate us.
My mad guitarre
Shivers down low!
Under your mantilla
Hide, young chica,
Your blond attractions,
And in the somber night
Listen in the shadows.
Don’t you hear it?
By Saint James de Compestella
I would say to you: Hey, beautiful
Come smoke a cigarette,
Come with your caballero,
Come with me to Castilla!
Come where the Sherry sparkles,
Come to the palace of the Alcazar.
By our lady of El Pilar!
To you
To me! (as he says these last words, he receives a violent kick, he
turns saying and singing)
To me! By our lady of El Pilar!

VAN CARCASS: I just put money in an envelope to throw in the
street and it’s you singing, Baptiste.

BAPTISTE: I’m humming, not to displease your honor.

VAN CARCASS: Did I take you into my service to hum: since when do
my mops get transformed in your hands into Spanish mandolins?

BAPTISTE: Since the noble family de las Cabriolas della testa—

VAN CARCASS: Enough, Baptiste. I’m aware of your mania. You are
not descended from anyone, your race begins with you; but I will have
your name transmitted for future centuries throughout the world.

VAN CARCASS: (prying his hand loose) You know what I
promised you. When your soul leaves this prison of a yellow vest with its
horned buttons and green-smock coat with orange tassels, in other words
when you accomplish the act of death, I promised you a favor which has,
until now, been reserved for the great of the earth, and kings beneath
their golden arches, a favor which will preserve you for the admiration
of posterity more than all the glory of the Las Cabriolas. In a word I
will stuff you, Baptiste!

VAN CARCASS: Take it easy! I will stuff you with vegetable fibers!
I will place you in my museum between the icthyosauras and the
Megalatheurium and in a posture that will suit you!

BAPTISTE: (posing) Like this.

VAN CARCASS: Yes, but on the condition that you behave during your
life, which we will shorten little by little in perfect domestic service.
And, on that topic, I am expecting today a guest to whose service I am
conditionally attaching you.

BAPTISTE: A new master to serve! And where will I have the time
for it! Make me another arm!

VAN CARCASS: You’re arguing, Baptiste! Be careful I don’t stuff
you with hay and old oakum.

BAPTISTE: (furious) Why not old rags that beggars put on!

VAN CARCASS: It will be put on, beware of doubting it, if—

BAPTISTE: Well, who are you waiting for?

VAN CARCASS: You will be very astonished, Baptiste, really
stupefied, really speechless when I tell you who it is—but here’s my
daughter. (enter Etamine) Come closer, daughter, the pride of my
museum; embrace your father, whose day today is one of the most beautiful
days.

VAN CARCASS: And now Etamine, as you have sufficiently embraced
your father, loan me an attentive ear.

ETAMINE: I’m listening to you.

VAN CARCASS: You know I’ve neglected nothing to make you happy;
I’ve surrounded your childhood with the most interesting animals in
creation, while waiting to find you a husband.

ETAMINE: Father, you know I love Mr. Isidore who you won’t
receive!

VAN CARCASS: Isidore, the son of that dabbler in tulips from
Rotterdam!

BAPTISTE: Never, miss! Never! The marriage cannot take place; it
won’t happen! By the Alhambra!

ETAMINE: Why’s Baptiste meddling!

VAN CARCASS: Indeed, who asked your opinion? I find you very bold!
If ever you permit yourself to give your opinion—After all, as it
conforms to mine, I pardon you—

ETAMINE: Still!

VAN CARCASS: Never shall the daughter of a Van Carcass be the
daughter-in-law of a tulip-tree whose collection attracts more tourists
than my museum! To return to what I was saying, where was I, Baptiste?

BAPTISTE: While waiting to find you a husband.

VAN CARCASS: Ah! I’ve surrounded your childhood with the most
interesting animals in creation while waiting to find you a husband. To
complete my work I’ve addressed myself to correspondents in Brazil and
I’ve received noice that one day very soon I will receive by Steam Boat—

BAPTISTE: The one who is as yet unknown. A spouse for Miss.

VAN CARCASS: A monkey of the largest type.

BAPTISTE: A monkey! You are giving her to a monkey!

ETAMINE: Never!

VAN CARCASS: Not a little mongrel of a monkey, a South American
monkey, a marmoset, but the type that my natural history exhibit is
lacking, a true man of the forests, the unique, the last of the
chimpanzees.

BAPTISTE: A chimpanzee!

ETAMINE: And what are we going to do with this villainous beast?

BAPTISTE: And that’s the being to which you are going to
provisionally attach me?

VAN CARCASS: Don’t be afraid, Baptiste! This animal isn’t
ferocious except when it reaches a ripe old age!

BAPTISTE: But the one you are expecting is young?

VAN CARCASS: Of that I am completely unaware!

BAPTISTE: Eh! well! thanks! a man of the woods, an ourangoutang.

VAN CARCASS: Where’s this speech headed?

BAPTISTE: I positively refuse to have any relations with him.

VAN CARCASS: You don’t have any common sense, Baptiste.

BAPTISTE: No, I have noble sense, and I am not made to be the
valet de chamber of a Barbary ape!

VAN CARCASS: Take care! this monkey is becoming my guest, my
boarder.

BAPTISTE: What, dirty, even very dirty.

VAN CARCASS: And I won’t tolerate the laws of hospitality being
violated in the home of Doctor Van Carcass.

(A ringing is heard.)

VAN CARCASS: See who that is?

ETAMINE: It’s him without a doubt!

(A formidable shriek is heard.)

VAN CARCASS: I recognize his voice! Obey, Baptiste. (Baptiste
leaves, furious) Be happy, daughter, this chimpanzee was lacking to
the happiness and museum of your father.

(Two sailors carrying a huge sack; they open it and Isidore, covered
with a monkey hide and a well adjusted mask, comes out triumphantly, with
a terrible scream; Baptiste is tripped up, the sailors bow and
leave.)

TOGETHER:

BAPTISTE:
Ah! what an animal
How brutish he is!
He will harm us!
Ah! what an animal!

VAN CARCASS:
What a fine animal!
How colossal!
How like a judge!
Ah! what an animal!

ETAMINE:
Ah! what an animal!
He seems brutal.
He’s colossal
Ah! what an animal!

ISIDORE: (yelling) IRI CRIM INERI!

VAN CARCASS: Do you hear his scream!

BAPTISTE: I am completely confused!

ETAMINE: It’s a horrible scream!

BAPTISTE: I’m completely confused.

ISIDORE: IRI CRIM INERI!

TOGETHER:

BAPTISTE:
Ah! what an animal!
How brutish he is!
He will harm us!
Ah! what an animal!

VAN CARCASS:
What a fine animal!
How colossal!
How like a judge!
Ah! what an animal!

VAN CARCASS: Isn’t this the king of the forest!

BAPTISTE: A king of a horrifying race!

VAN CARCASS: Almost human!

BAPTISTE: How he grimaces and gesticulates!

VAN CARCASS: Observe this charming primitive!
How well he stands for a monkey!

BAPTISTE: He’s a man of the world,
Only lacking a fine lineage!

TOGETHER:

BAPTISTE:
Ah! what an animal!
How brutish!
Ah! May the devil take him!
What a way he dresses!
Ah! what an animal!

VAN CARCASS:
The fine animal!
He’s colossal!
See how well he takes care of himself.
What a proud face and bearing!
The fine animal!

ETAMINE:
Ah! what an animal!
He is colossal!
To present himself this way!
He must leave right away!
Ah! what an animal!

VAN CARCASS: (to the monkey) Take it easy! hey, there, my
pretty.

ISIDORE: Incriminieri!

ETAMINE: Take care, father, he’s going to bite you.

VAN CARCASS: No! it doesn’t bite!

BAPTISTE: (advancing his finger) Let’s see!

ISIDORE: (rushing on him) Ahi!

BAPTISTE: Yikes!

ISIDORE: Incriminieri!

BAPTISTE: What’s that mean in monkey talk?

VAN CARCASS: No doubt it signifies he’s hungry.

ETAMINE: What do these beasts eat, Papa?

BAPTISTE: I am allowed to say they swallow a little bit of
everything, gloves, soles of shoes, the legs even, silk hats,—

VAN CARCASS: You are mistaken, Baptiste, those are ostriches.
These monkeys are very fond of good things, of sweets. You are going to
busy yourself with his meal!

BAPTISTE: Excuse me, Mr. Van Carcass, but I haven’t eaten yet.

VAN CARCASS: Well! You will eat later!

BAPTISTE: After a monkey! That degrades me.

VAN CARCASS: Well! That will nourish you, did you believe that you
were worth more than this noble animal? What have you got more than he
has, if you please? Are you more elegant, better turned out, isn’t he a
true man, and who has the advantage over you of not saying stupidities?
Didn’t you read in Mr. Bouffon that these animals are susceptible to good
things, that they can stand attendance, drink and eat like natural
people! and that they don’t exact wages for serving their master? The
monkey is compared to a servant like a negro slave to a white man: His
equal, except for the color. Try not to forget it.

BAPTISTE: Oh! humiliation! degradation of the human species!
exploitation of man by monkey!

ETAMINE: On careful examination, he’s not bad, this animal.

VAN CARCASS: Say, then, Etamine, how full he is of nobility and
grace; he seems very well brought up! If he had gloves he would be
received in the best houses!

VAN CARCASS: He is adorable! Baptiste, why didn’t you ask for his
hand in velvet!

BAPTISTE: It’s an infamy!

ETAMINE: What shall we call him, papa?

VAN CARCASS: Etamine’s right! We must find him a name.

BAPTISTE: Suppose we call him, Gonzalvo.

ETAMINE: Oh, no. That’s not swanky enough.

VAN CARCASS: The fact is, he has a bearing that couldn’t be more
distinguished. Ah! I’ve got what we need! Mr. De Chimpanzee.

BAPTISTE: A noble! Never!

VAN CARCASS: Oh! I am going to get annoyed in the end! Baptiste!
You will call him Mr. De Chimpanzee or we’re going to quarrel! You will
speak to him in the third person or I am going to kick you out.

ETAMINE: Goodbye, Mr. De Chimpanzee.

VAN CARCASS: I am going to appear before the zoological society to
share news of my acquisition! Prepare Mr. De Chimpanzee’s meal and have
the care you ought for him and his species.

BAPTISTE: If Mr. De Chimpanzee would kindly permit me, I am going
to have the honor of bringing to Mr. De Chimpanzee the meal I’ll prepare
with my own hands for Mr. de Chimpanzee.

(All leave except Isidore.)

ISIDORE: (alone) Ouf! (he takes off his mask furtively
after first having made some ape like gambols) I’m suffocating! How
hot the apes must be! You see what love has reduced me to! To abdicate my
dignity as a man! It seems to me that I am itching all over! Etamine!
Etamine! At last I am going to speak to you and see you! Mr. Van Carcass
had always shown me the door. Once I learned that he was expecting a
monkey from Brazil, I didn’t hesitate to dress in this chimpanzee outfit!
But let’s behave well and not be too nasty, for fear they’ll chain us up!
Let’s have good manners to keep our freedom. Oof! It’s not easy, in this
thing! I don’t know how the monkeys stand it.

RECITATIF:
Since I put on this macaque’s skin,
I feel like a hypochondriac!
I no longer have human feelings
And I feel myself sharpening my claws.
Oh! strange prodigy,
My whole being is changing.
Words in my throat take on another sound,
And end, alas, in a frightful croak!
I’m becoming a real monkey!
It’s no longer to be doubted!
The thing is very strahaange!
But if you could hear me,
How my voice is chaanged
I’m becoming a real monkey!
I’m playing the man of the woodsI think,
And only for you, young girlA livery!
In me you see a chimpanzeeSlyly.
For this trick you must excuse me.Oh! I love you.
But will you recognize me
For a fine young man?
My Etamine! See how
Briefly I am dressed!
I’m becoming a real monkey!
It’s no longer to be doubted!
The thing is very strahaange!
But will you listen to me
Since my voice is chaanged!
I’m becoming a real monkey!
This lovely day, I intend
To astonish your praise—ah!
Look with love
And do not chaange!
One day we will share
Happiness unchaanged!
Love for your love,
My clever!
I’m becoming a real monkey!
It’s no longer to be doubted!
The thing is very strahaange!
But will you listen
Now my voice is chaanged!
I’m becoming a real monkey. (spoken) Someone’s coming! That
Baptiste! Alert, let’s conquer him, it won’t be difficult to abuse him.

(Isidore takes the mop in one hand, and puts brushes on his feet and
vigorously waxes the floor.)

BAPTISTE: (bringing different foods) I’m bringing my dinner
at the same time as the Chimpanzee’s! so what! What’s he doing there.
(Isidore waxes with thousands of contortions and grimaces.) He’s
waxing my floor! That’s great! Why he does it marvelously well. Bravo,
Mr. De Chimpanzee. (placing his foods on the buffet)

ISIDORE: Shifissfiss fiss! (he takes off the brushes and starts
to sweep with a rare energy)

BAPTISTE: Decidedly, this animal has served in the best homes in
America. By the Escurial, here’s an idea that’s not beastly; I will make
him do my work, and I will only have to cross my arms! If I had the
carriage of my ancestors, I’d make him mount behind like a slave.

(Isidore comes sweeping right up to Baptiste’s feet.)

BAPTISTE: Hey there. Let’s take it easy, my friend. Take care of
breaking the mirror.

(Isidore dusts the mirror, he dusts with the feather duster, then he
opens the clock.)

(Isidore and Baptiste dance a negro dance. Isidore performs the most
hazardous cabrioles. He tosses chairs in the air, overturns the table,
etc.)

TOGETHER:
Tra, la, la, la, la.
Let’s dance the cha-cha.

(At the end, exhausted, Baptiste falls to the ground. Isidore fans him
with his handkerchief. The door opens. Etamine rushes in over all this
uproar.)

ETAMINE: What an uproar! what a brouhaha!

BAPTISTE: (to Isidore) Kiss me, my sweet friend!

ETAMINE: Well! Baptiste!

BAPTISTE: We are the best friends in the world!

ETAMINE: You are going to get yourself bit!

BAPTISTE: Him, bite me? Rather he will dine on me! I’ve never met
a better bred man. See, Miss. (Isidore picks up the table and brings a
chair for Etamine.) Could he be more gallant?

(Isidore offers his paw to Etamine.)

ETAMINE: (frightened) Oh!

BAPTISTE: Don’t be afraid; I’m sure he’s going to pay court to
you.

ETAMINE: You’re out of your mind, Baptiste.

BAPTISTE: (with nobility) By the castanets of my ancestors!
Am I not here to defend you! Would I tolerate a clown to come lack
respect to you! Etamine, Miss Etamine! doesn’t my life belong to you?

ETAMINE: He’s babbling! Here I am between a monkey and a madman!

BAPTISTE: My whole life is devoted to you! I don’t give my broom a
whisk without thinking of your beautiful little white hands! I don’t wax
a tile in the floor without thinking of your pretty Andalousian feet.

ISIDORE: (aside) Wait, wait! I’ve got a foot, too!

BAPTISTE: Oh! young lady, I love you! How Gatilbaza loves Dona
Etamine! Besides your dove like beauty! The King said it to his nephew!
Dance peasants! The wind which blows across the mountain has blown me to
Mount Falou!

ETAMINE: God! if my father comes to discover us—why how will you
be able to escape?

ISIDORE: By jumping out the window!

ETAMINE: You will break your neck!

ISIDORE: Come on! Am I not a chimpanzee! I cross the steepest
rocks, I scale the highest trees; I am susceptible to attachment, I live
in groups in the forest, and I have for my little ones a particular
affection—says Mr. de Bouffon.

ETAMINE: Poor Isidore! He finds a way to laugh under this garb.

ISIDORE: You forgive me, right, and you love me?

ETAMINE: Oh! yes!

ISIDORE: A kiss for the trouble it cost me.

ETAMINE: Oh! never!

ISIDORE: Suppose that I am a greyhound, a pretty tom-cat, nothing
would prevent you from kissing me, from caressing me.

ETAMINE: Yes, but it’s not the same thing.

ISIDORE: Think carefully, that if I hadn’t put on this parakeet’s
skin I would never have been able to get in here.

(He kisses her.)

ETAMINE: Heavens! They’re coming. Put on your muzzle!

(Isidore leaves and quickly returns with his masque.)

(Music)

BAPTISTE: (off) Don’t go in! I tell you he’s rabid!

VAN CARCASS: Out of the way, imbecile, and don’t be afraid. I am
armed.

(Van Carcass comes in passing in front of Baptiste.)

BAPTISTE: Oh!

ETAMINE: Father!

VAN CARCASS: My daughter! Just in time!

(Isidore shows his teeth to Baptiste who hides behind his master.)

BAPTISTE: Help!

VAN CARCASS: Hush! Don’t budge! He’s capable of jumping out of the
window! And I don’t want him to escape me.