"I've Been Dating My Boyfriend for Three Years, But I'm Itching for a Wild Hookup"

Our sex and relationships columnist answers your questions.

Most Read

I've been dating my boyfriend around three years, and lately I've been wanting to get out there and have a wild hookup. I still want to be with him and stay together for a long time, but I just want to get one hookup in while I'm young. I would feel so guilty, but with him I'm getting so bored. I still love him, but I want to kiss a hot guy. You see my dilemma? Is it OK to just have one hookup, or should I just keep all these fantasies to myself?

Everyone considers a hookup at some point. Who doesn't want to sleep with that stranger who caught your eye on the street? Who doesn't flip through Tinder and think, "Maybe…"?

Your fantasy fling sounds so fun and simple: just one wild fantasy roll in the hay. You want to see what else is out there. Everyone gets that. But you've been dating the guy for three years. And it wouldn't be simple at all.

Isn't it interesting that we use the words "hookup" and "fling" when we're fantasizing about stepping out on our own lover and wield words like "affair" and "cheat" when we're talking about somebody else? Mutual monogamy is the ultimate proof of the golden rule: When you think about stepping out on someone, it doesn't seem like such a big deal. But what if he wanted just one wild hookup?

If you cheat on your guy, you may ruin the relationship. You could tell him you want an open relationship or "a break," but almost every couple that has that chat ends up broken.

So don't half-ass this: Don't cheat on him, and don't pretend that some temporary "open arrangement" might work, because, odds are, it won't. And think about whether this is really just about sex. When someone can't stop thinking about affairs, it's almost never really about "one hookup." You may be with the wrong guy, since plenty of people who love each other aren't meant to love each other forever. Especially when they're young.

But your immediate problem is that you're bored in bed. If you really love him, it's not the guy, it's the sex. So, if you haven't already, tell him you'd like to try something new. You don't have to tell him you're "bored" — in fact, don't. But you could tell him about all those things you fantasize about doing with someone else — and then try them out with the guy you love. (Click through Cosmopolitan.com for half an hour; you might find a few fantasies you haven't tried before.) I'm not saying he needs to meet you in a bar and pretend to be some handsome stranger. But I'm not not saying that, either.

Closing my eyes when giving a blow job — is it a turnoff, and if so, how much?

I just walked outside and polled 100 men. All of them love blow jobs. And all but one said: "Who cares if her eyes are closed, if that's what she wants?"

That other guy? Total douchebag.

I've been sexting and sending risqué Snapchats to my superior at work. At first it was because I had a slump in my relationship, but now I don't know how to break it off with my superior and tell my boyfriend without retaliation from either of them.

Wow, you're in a sticky situation. But we all know why: Most of us spend more time with colleagues than lovers. And, god, most jobs are so damn boring. I'm sure those days you were Snapchatting were way more exciting than the days when you were scrolling through pictures of your co-workers' kids and counting hours till quitting time. But now you've got to deal with what you've done.

First off: Stop sexting. And block his phone number too (if you think you can get away with it). Now! And don't just stop Snapchatting. Block him on the Snapchat app too.

Is he blocked? I'll wait here until he is.

OK.

Now you've got to talk to him. And you can't be ambiguous. After a little flirting, most guys aren't receptive to subtlety. They're way more likely to pick up on the slightest hint of a flirtation than a polite brush-off. But after being sexted? This guy is not going to get it. You can't tell him you're confused, even if you are. No half measures.

Seriously, don't wimp out. What seems like easy way out of this — being too nice to him — is actually the hard way, because it will only lead to more trouble when he doesn't get the message. Have the tough talk. Tell him that you now realize it was an inappropriate mistake and you want your relationship to be professional from now on. Period. You don't owe him a lengthy explanation — you were baring your boobs, not your heart. Any long conversation would inevitably lead to some confusion, and we want no ambiguity. Since he's your superior, I'd recommend doubling up with an email so there's proof that you broke it off, in case he harasses you later.

You're right to worry about retaliation from your superior. If he continues flirting, remind him firmly. And remind yourself of this: Just because you sexted him in the past doesn't mean he can punish you in the future. If he makes your workdays uncomfortable with inappropriate advances, if he exacts retribution because you cut it off, if he shares those photos with co-workers, or if he blocks your advancement, that's harassment. Maybe you know this already. If not, brush up on the info (or call one of the hotlines) here.

As for your boyfriend, you've only got two choices, don't you? Tell him, or keep it a secret.

It sounds like you want to tell him. Maybe it won't be so bad. At least you didn't sleep with the dude. In a way, Snapchat is just an exaggerated digital version of the flirting people do every day. (OK, maybe more NSFW.) There's something unreal about it — something virtual and gamelike and silly since it's on your cell phone, right next to CandyCrush. I'm not excusing your bad judgment. I'm just saying it's easy to understand how this happened. But don't expect your boyfriend to be sympathetic.

Brace yourself. He's going to be so pissed. If he's like any guy I know, he's going to be furious at first. Then he's going to be jealous when you're at work and suspicious when you come home late. It's going to be an issue that either breaks you apart or takes time to move beyond. What doesn't kill a relationship can make it stronger, I suppose. (I hope?) The most important thing is that you end the behavior and figure out why you're doing these self-destructive things rather than facing your problems head-on.

On that note, here's a second opinion from a few of my guy friends: Lie. My paradoxical pals say they'd like to know if a girlfriend was sexting (even if it was just in good fun), but they also say that they'd freak out if their girlfriends did this, and probably wouldn't be able to forgive them — even if they, themselves, would totally love to be on the receiving side of some colleague's hot pictures. That's Guy Hypocrisy 101. It's also a pragmatic (unethical) reason (excuse) for lying.

The cost of lying is the guilt you'll carry and the secrets you'll keep, both of which may push you and your boyfriend further apart. Then again, maybe you acted out because, on some level, you want to blow the relationship up?

Do you have a question about sex, dating or relationships for Logan? Submit it here.