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THE BURT AWARDS SHOWCASE CATEGORY: BEST SWING

From now until October, 27th, the hard-working staff at Better Off Red is spending a day on the blog showcasing each voting category for The Burt Awards. These blog posts will prove to be erroneous and based on falsehoods and are intended for entertainment purposes only. They are NOT to be taken too seriously. Today’s showcase category is Best Swing. To vote for The Burt Awards, click here , here and here. Winners will be announced at the first ever Burt Awards Ceremony on October 28th.

You can swing away or check swing; cast a swing vote or swing from the rafters. The Swingman once played here in Cincinnati, as did the King of Swing. The movie Swingers still has dudes saying “Vegas baby!” Swinging from your heels is not the same as a backswing. Children prefer swing sets. Adults prefer patio swings. Swing low sweet chariot or swing for the fences. Swing-and-a-miss! Swing-and-a-drive! Stay out of the swinging neck-breaker and watch for holes in your swing. After working the swing shift, go out swing dancing. Would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar? Or do you prefer swinging doors, a jukebox and a barstool? The chair swing can be equally as fun as the tire swing, but be careful, you don’t want to over-swing.

As you can see, there are all kinds of swing, but our favorite is the baseball swing – the attempt to hit a pitched ball with a wooden bat.

The five Reds players nominated for The Burt Awards in the “Best Swing” category are Yonder Alonso, Jay Bruce, Juan Francisco, Brandon Phillips and Joey Votto. Using unconventional analysis and unscientific substantiation, the experts at Better Off Red laboratories broke down each man’s swing.

Yonder Alonso. The highly touted prospect and former #1 pick out of the “U” batted .330 and slugged .545 in his 47 games with the Reds in 2011. The lefty swinging Alonso reminds us of a thermal power station. The back-half of his batting stance is a nuclear reactor preparing to initiate a sustained explosive reaction. The front-half of his stance serves as the steam turbine, designed to convert the heat from the back-half into mechanical energy. Both halves eventually work together to generate a powerful, electric swing, capable of producing devastating results.

What swing is worthy of Alonso’s? Better Off Red says – “The Nuclear Swing” at Wunderland Theme Park in Germany.

Jay Bruce: The 24 year-old basher from Beaumont (TX) belted 32 homers and collected 97 RBI in his first All-Star season. Like Alonso, Bruce swings from the south side. But if Alonso is Three-Mile Island, Bruce is Kiawah Island – relaxed, easy and ready for a long 6-iron shot. Bruce provides graceful, arching home runs that are contoured-for-comfort. All edges are sanded smooth. The expanded dowel construction of Bruce’s swing, along with the hidden barrel bolts provide extra strength, while his rust-resistant hardware stands up to the elements.

What swing is worthy of Trey Deuce’s? Better Off Red says – “The Great American Classic Red Cedar Porch Swing”.

Juan Francisco: This Dominican dandy is arguably the most dangerous power hitter in the Reds organization. In September, Francisco belted a 502-foot home run that cleared the moon-deck at Great American Ball Park, a feat never before accomplished. With a wicked, robust swing, Francisco likes to take his cuts (4 walks in 97 plate appearances). It’s often said that he doesn’t get cheated. Francisco is a summertime treat, capable of lots of water landings.

Brandon Phillips: Watching @DatDudeBP in the batter’s box can rejuvenate your peaceful lifestyle. He’s stylish and radiant, accented with a youthful flare. When the game is close and Phillips is at the plate, his swing is designed specifically to vanish your worries away and is guaranteed to lure out the care-free spirit of your inner child. Always ready for delivery, Phillips’ hearty swing exhibits strength that will ensure years of resilient usage. He enjoys swinging for the fences at Great American Ball Park, but Phillips is just as fun indoors and popular with the kids and game rooms.

Joey Votto: Mr. MVP’s swing is built with durable construction and rust-resistant mechanical equipment, ensuring years of enjoyment. Votto is a prolific hitter, capable of towering home runs and line drive lasers. He has a high strength-to-weight ratio, a stat often overlooked by the sabermetricians. Durable and mobile, Votto’s swing is resistant to decay and water damage. He will not shrink or warp and there are no dangerous chemical preservatives used in his pressure treated swing.

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