Penn Satire, Since 1899

Pottruck Gym to Offer Residential Program

The David Pottruck Health and Fitness Center will be offering a new residential program for the Fall 2014 semester. The Dwellings for Youthful Exercise and Lifting (DYEL) program is currently taking applications for freshmen and upperclassmen to live and lift inside Pottruck Gym. The program is said to focus on weightlifting, strength conditioning, and making all kinds of gains, both physical and corporal.

Members of the fitness residential program will have access to new state-of-the art beds large enough to accommodate muscle mass and a new dining hall that guarantees 50 grams of protein with every meal. Apart from this, there will be staff members readily available to help students into too-tight t-shirts.

Students will have access to a specific curriculum just made for them. The following is a sample course list for those in the DYEL program:

CHEM 150: Protein Synthesis and You!

MUSC 71 (Crosslisted as HIST 102): History of Metal – Music to Make Your Ears Bleed

ARTH 50: Greek and Roman Sculpture – Classical Aesthetics

PHIL 001: Life’s Questions – Why does Pottruck only have two squat racks and why are they always taken by people who are not squatting?

Rising Wharton junior Chaz “Cuatro Loco” Johnston said he was “pumped” and “ready to give me a full interview” after he finished his set. He was later seen in front of a mirror asking his bros whether his “lats looked small.”