The Singles' Guide To Valentine's Day

Today, single people all across America are lamenting the fact that they don’t have a significant other to get all lovey-dovey with tonight. To all the single ladies and gentlemen out there, you have it all wrong. Take it from a guy who hasn’t been single since puberty (my wife and I met when we only one of us was old enough to drive), this made up holiday isn’t for people in relationships. It’s for single people. This is the day that you should celebrate your independence by living it up in only the way a single person can.

First, let’s talk about what you can’t do on Valentines Day if you’re single. You can’t make reservations at an overpriced restaurant only to eat a fraction of your meal because you don’t want to look bloated if you get lucky later. You can’t drop $75 on a bouquet of roses that’s only going to wilt in a couple of days. You can’t sit through a sappy Rom-Com wondering if you’re too old to still make out in the back of a theater. Oh, the limitations of being single are just so horrible. I really feel sorry for you.

Now, let’s talk about what you can do when you’re single on Valentine’s Day. You can spend all day wearing sweat pants and crocs and that favorite concert T-shirt from the ‘90s that seems to repel the opposite sex. You can watch Jason Statham movies with ridiculous plot lines and awesome fight scenes. You can eat chicken wings for dinner, without using a single napkin. You can go to a cheesy bar and do body shots off of complete strangers. (Try doing that on Valentine’s Day when you’re in a relationship.) You can decide to go get Chinese food, then change your mind and go for Italian, then change your mind again and get burgers. Because you’re single and you don’t have to compromise and settle for a restaurant that neither of you actually like. Instead of overpriced champagne, you can do keg stands, or flaming car bombs, or if you live in Colorado or Washington, you can get super high and just eat Girl Scout Cookies all night long. Sure, you could try this while your significant other watches on in horror, but he/she will never sleep with you again.

And think about this. That happy go-lucky couple that is smugly passing “happy Valentine’s Day” messages back and forth on Facebook will soon be making babies and those babies will become kids who are forced to celebrate Valentine’s Day, and then that annoyingly happy Valentine’s Day will turn into a mad dash to write 276 Valentine’s Day cards for their kids to take to school just so their son can impress some girl named “Brianna.” Valentine’s Day is a vicious circle. But not for you. You’re single. And to you, I say, Happy Independence Day.