It’s been almost two months since I’ve written. I’m off the Latuda because it made my blood sugar too high. So, I am trying something different.

My brain has been on pretty much of an even keel since I have been on these bi-polar meds. The worst part is that I have to take an additional pill with it to counteract the side effects. I haven’t really had anxiety since I’ve been on them, until today (Sunday April 30).

I even got a job dealing with people! Not the smartest decision on my part, but I needed a job and of all the applications I submitted this was the only place that called. I’ve been working a lot, maybe too much, but I haven’t had any issues.

So, back to today…

I was on my way home from work and a car pulled out in front of me. I slammed on the brakes but hit him anyway. It’s like he waited for me to get there before pulling out onto the street. Minor damage to my car, but he’ll probably need a new front quarter panel on the passenger side. So, of course they wanted to exchange insurance information.

After I hit him he keeps on going, completing his entry onto the street. I have to follow him two blocks until he pulls off the street, blaring my horn the whole time. I really need a PA system for my car. Actually it’s not even my car, it’s my girlfriends car. I park next to him. I’m out of my car already, standing in front of their car, waiting for the man and his lady friend to get out. One look into the car and I say to myself “great old people, snowbirds”. (Snowbirds are older retired people who come down to Florida for the winter to use all of our resources, make the cost of everything sky high and we’re supposed to be thankful they’re here because they provide jobs!) GO HOME!

The man driving is in his 80’s, can’t hear, can’t move too good and needed to have his lady do all the talking and do everything for him. My anxiety is pretty much topped out now. I raise my hands and ask what happened, why did he pull out? The lady says it was her fault, she told him to go. Then she tried to blame me and say I must have been going like a bat out of hell because she didn’t see me. What the fuck ever!

Apparently she thought I was getting too upset because she told me to calm down. With my history of blowing up at people ,I was extremely calm. Hell yes, I was upset. I was shaking and I wanted to cry. Great reaction, crying, but I didn’t.

She called the police, they wouldn’t come because no one was hurt. What the hell is up with that? I called my girlfriend to come because it’s her car. Short story, she told me I should try to remain calm too. I was doing the best I could.

That’s the real point of this post. Why do people always tell me to calm down? I HATE THAT! Maybe I’m too upset for your comfort, but to me I was handling it a lot better than I used to. What I would have liked to do was scream at the guy that he was a fucking idiot and so was his friend who was co-piloting! I would have liked to punch someone in the face! I would have liked to collapse and break down in tears because I couldn’t handle the stress and anxious feeling I was experiencing! But I did none of that!

I was anxious because of the accident, the damage, the probability of insurance going up, anxious because they made me feel this way.Upset that I can’t calm myself down. Anxious because that’s just me now. I hate me now!

Do I need to carry my meds with me everywhere I go? I have a pill I’m supposed to take when I feel I’m getting anxiety. I don’t carry them on me because I’d have to carry the whole bottle or, knowing my luck, I’d end up in jail for not having the prescription bottle. I guess I do need to carry them with me every where I go.

Having anxiety sucks!

After all the information had been exchanged I continued on with the evening. Now here I am at 12:30am writing this because I can’t sleep. Thanks anxiety. Thanks old people. Thanks Kreigh (my brother) for fucking up my life.

Remember I said at the beginning I had been on an even keel? That’s over now! Now I wonder why I’m still here. Why did I start therapy? Why didn’t I just let myself self destruct? Then I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this shit! This shit? Anxiety, depression, diabetes, high blood pressure, the list goes on. Why should I want to stick around for this life? It’s nothing but bullshit. I’m fucking poor. No insurance, no Medicare or Medicaid. No disability for not being able to function well in society, PTSD. Bullshit!

I’ve officially started Latuda taking two weeks ago. It isn’t really seem to do much the first week, in fact I experienced a lot of anxiety, panic attacks, outbursts of vocal not physical. Although the second week, last week, I started to feel a little better during the day. After I take my pill, about 2 or 3 hours later, I start feeling very anxious, very hot, so much so that I have to put ice on my head, and then I get extremely tired and have to go to bed. Sometimes I sleep through the night, like last night I went to bed at 7:30 PM and woke up at 7:30 AM. Some nights when I get really tired like that from the medicine,I believe, and I’ll sleep maybe three hours and then wake up feeling anxious. Then I cannot sleep the rest of the night.

******(THE MOST COMMON SIDE EFFECTS OF LATUDA

In clinical studies the most common side effects with LATUDA included:
sleepiness or drowsiness
restlessness and feeling like you need to move around (akathisia)

difficulty moving, slow movements, muscle stiffness, or tremor

nausea.)*****
So, I’m curious, does anyone else or has anyone else ever had this experience from taking Latuda or any other kind of mood stabilizing drugs? I absolutely hate this, I can’t stand the way it makes me feel I might as well not be taking medicine and as of today I’m calling my doctor because I don’t want to take it anymore.

I awoke today (Wednesday) with more energy than I’ve had in quite some time. It was nice, although strange and a little guilty feeling. That lasted about three hours until the aggravation and anxiety set in. I’m trying very hard to keep my emotions in check while coming off my meds. I think getting mad and anxious is the worst. I just can’t control it. In my mind I feel like I should be able to.
I am being taken off my current psych meds so I can try something different. Latuda. I would just like an even mental health day, week, month, year.

Unfortunately in my effort to calm myself I had to retreat to my apartment. Feeling like a junkie in search of a fix, I took a clonazepam. (Sp) With that not working quickly enough, because I was of course near panic mode, I decided to have a few drinks. Yes, I also know that I shouldn’t drink alcohol with my medicine. It just works better and faster that way. I’ve been doing it that way for decades.

The effect was somewhat calming but not completely. I listened to hard rock non stop for hours. Actually I still am. My day started with various music I was enjoying and sing along with. The music just got harder and a bit more negative. Reflections of my feelings. I have been listening to The Sound of Silence for four hours now. Not the Simon and Garfunkel version, the cover by Disturbed. He has a nice deep voice and it just seems more solemn than the original, to me. It brings tears to my eyes.
I went through an entire range of emotions once the medicine and alcohol kicked in. The anxiety and anger subsided for the most part, but I had feelings of self disgust, uselessness, feeling like I couldn’t take my situation any longer. Tired of being me, tired of the emotional roller coaster. Sadness for my lack of family closeness. During that phase I was listening to a song called “Orphan Girl” by Gillian Welch-alternative bluegrass.

Back to Disturbed…

Just wanting to check out the last few hours of the night. Absence of feeling. Then I had a weird feeling come over me, a mix of sadness, wanting to cry and at the same time feeling like I’ve forced my therapist into seeing me weekly now when that’s clearly not how she wanted it to be at this time. Really it’s Patty, my psychiatrist, although I wasn’t happy going every other week any way. It just made me want to quit therapy altogether. I guess Patty just got me what I wanted. I hate being dependent.
It’s 1:37am and I’m still teary eyed and listening to The Sound of Silence. I suppose I’ll fall asleep to it. I think I really just want to cry.

Which brings me to my last song thought… FML (Fuck My Life) by K. Flay

Here it is Christmas Eve I’m sitting all alone, I don’t know where anybody went. I had high hopes for this Christmas, I started out the month good. I was in a good mood, I was happy and excited, ready to decorate feeling festive.

I guess I started to get a little down as the holiday came closer. Not really having money to buy gifts or even a card. I hated the thought of letting my little great nieces go without opening a gift from me. I didn’t want them to think I forgotten about them. I know what it’s like to feel forgotten and not having those you care about and love to I have thought of you.

Luckily I was able to send them a little something so I felt good about that. I went on a bird walk this past Tuesday. It took three hours but it was nice and peaceful. Interesting to find new birds that I didn’t know existed around here. I felt pretty peaceful after that walk. The next day I went on a mindfulness meditation walk, that walk was about two hours out in the same park but in a different area on a board walk that I didn’t know existed. Those two things really help to lift my spirit. I was feeling pretty good about the approaching Christmas holiday.
Then as usual people started getting on my nerves. People who are close to me telling me what to do, just kind of in an every day circumstance, or telling me how to behave. It seems as though sometimes people think I’m stupid. It’s bad enough if it’s a stranger but it’s worse if it’s coming from someone who says they love you. I’m 53 years old not 10. I guess that really gets to me and as hard as I tried to kind of push that aside and meditate I just couldn’t do it. So basically my only good day, besides the days Tuesday and Wednesday that I actually went out and spent time in nature, was Thursday. Great, one day!

So I’m laying here on the bed with a heating pad on my back because my back is killing me and I don’t have the money to get any kind of treatment. I thought my partner was in the house somewhere doing something but as I went out into the living room I noticed that her car was gone. She was supposed to be finding out what we were doing tonight, Her mother wanted to know if we were going to the moose, I didn’t think we were. So we’re sitting here waiting for her brother, I’m sorry I’m sitting here I thought she was here, we don’t know what time he’s coming. My partners gone. Her mother just figured out that she was gone apparently she left also don’t know where she went although she asked me where her daughter went yet I don’t have a clue. That lack of communication annoys me also.

Now that I’ve mopped the floors I’m back on the bed on the heating pad and using some aromatherapy to try and relax. I will try and meditate as soon as I’m done writing this. I just had to give that off my mind.

I haven’t written for a long time because I’ve been lazy and tired, probably somewhat depressed a little stressed out. Last night I had a dream I was working at Walmart most of my dreams happen at Walmart. I remember I was department manager in my dream and we were getting ready for inventory. I was making labels for things and I guess my manager came to me and told me that I had to work with this guy, Kevin. He was coming to work in my department with me. Kevin was a real person who worked at one particular store, I never worked directly with him. He actually was kind of an ass so that part of the story is true.

I remember I was standing in front of a ladder. I have merchandise on the ladder and Kevin who wasn’t happy about having to work with me came up to me and confronted me about something I don’t remember what. I remember he got in my face talking harshly to me and pushed me back into the ladder. He didn’t do anything other than push me and intimidate me but I remember at the time in the dream that I was very afraid. I went to my manager upset and crying and told him what Kevin did but he didn’t really think it was that big of a deal. So I explained to him while crying that I was a victim of child abuse, sexual child abuse and that that kind of behavior from Kevin I couldn’t tolerate.

With him not really concerned about Kevin’s behavior and not willing to do anything about it I quit. So I went to my car which I couldn’t find so I should say I was going to my car but I couldn’t find it. I don’t really know what relevance that had to the story but I will have to look it up and try to figure it out. So while I was out there the store manager approached me and wanted me to come back to work. I had to explain to him why it was that I left and why I could not come back.

He told me he understood and said that he would take care of the problem with Kevin and that I would not have to work with him. When I came back to work I had to go to a meeting with my assistant manager who ended up not being there. So the meeting was held by another assistant manager who apparently was unaware of the situation with Kevin. He insisted that I work with Kevin and he put us back to work together. Once again I was crying. I went to someone who I considered to be my friend, also a person that I had worked with at that same store. I tried to explain to her what happened and why I was so upset but she didn’t believe me. Not so much that she didn’t believe me but she also did not see the importance and couldn’t understand why that upset me so much.

That was pretty much the whole dream, me being upset and crying and someone I trusted and who I thought was my friend not believing me and not understanding or I guess being even sympathetic to my feelings.

When I first woke up I immediately realized why I had this dream. The last few visits I’ve had with my therapist she has talked with me about cutting back on my therapy session’s and going every other week instead of weekly. I am skeptical about that and I know that I am afraid. In one way I feel that maybe I’m strong enough or that I should be strong enough but I guess I’m really afraid that I’m not. I’m afraid of losing connection and what I feel is pretty much the only support that I have.

I know that I would be seeing her twice a month and that probably should be enough. I also know that she would be available if I had a mental emergency.It reminds me of how I felt when my last therapist was transferred to another department. I really felt lost for a while I only went a short time before I started seeing my new therapist that I currently have now. I know it’s kind of stupid in a way because I know I’m not going to be without a therapist or getting a new therapist or losing that connection totally, yet. But I don’t know I guess I’m just scared. I’m afraid to let go.

One of the things difficult for me, as a result of childhood sexual abuse, is my inability to handle my emotions.

I used to think that I dealt with my emotions well. Now I see that is not the case. All of my partying, drinking and using drugs was my way of dealing with the bad things in life.

I started smoking at a very young age, I was in junior high when I started smoking pot and then turned to acid and other mind altering drugs.

So, to put it into my timeline, I was abused while still in grade school and my parents died while in high school. There are events that happened before and after those afore mentioned events.

I quit using drugs when I was 25, didn’t quit smoking until 2007 and I quit abusing alcohol around 2012 when I was diagnosed with diabetes.

Even though I quit using illegal drugs I always had alcohol to help me cover up and drown my real feelings. So many times I’ve been hurt by friends, not even that many friends just mostly by my family. Sure I wasn’t very mature, sure I misbehaved at times. Why? It all began with my abuse.

Anyway, now that I am physically unable to drown my sorrows I have a hard time dealing with emotions. Not so much in regards to my past, but with things that come up day to day.

When something or someone tweaks my anger it just goes straight to the top. I have learned to control myself a little bit. I don’t yell at people anymore. The bad thing is, I internalize it. I can feel myself getting flush, my blood pressure rising and my heart racing. Then I just ramble off to whoever I’m with. If I’m alone I’ll rant and rave to myself. I so much want to punch a wall, but I quit doing that too. Don’t worry I have never hit anyone and believe I never would.

Then because I don’t have a way to let it out I want to cry. I really don’t want to cry either so my only option is to go to bed. I will usually need to take something to help me pass out and not keep going over and over my rage. I suppose in one way I’m still self medicating. I haven’t mastered the art of meditation or any other form of positive coping skills.

That “tool” I use to escape works with any emotion.

I don’t hate my brother, I hate the way the abuse has changed me. I hate what it has done to my life.