FRAT ROW - A convening of the bros on Columbia’s campus has concluded that you can’t just walk in here with dat fat a$$ and not throw them a trigger warning first.

“It’s simply common courtesy to warn unsuspecting civilians when they are about to receive a shock,” Anthony Revita ‘17 said. “Just a week ago, I was sitting with my bros, grinding up a frosty little nug, and some biddy walked in with a donk that just about stopped my heart. I couldn’t breathe, I felt light-headed, I needed to excuse myself from the room.”

Revita added, “You’d just think that at a progressive school like Columbia they’d do everything possible to make all students feel comfortable. But nah, those PAWGs are just everywhere, man. Everywhere.”

Trigger warnings are typically reserved for content that is deemed potentially offensive or provocative to certain groups. Revita argues that heterosexual men are certainly in a similar situation. “Bro, I can’t be constantly prepared to get a hard-on. You know how much of a burden a boner is? You gotta tuck that shit into the waistline of your pants and walk around like it’s no big deal. We’re not asking for much,” Revita related. “All we want is a simple ‘Suh dude, I got a booty that’s coming your way.’”

At press time, the legion of bros was heard tossing around an idea for a space that was safe from “bomb-ass titties.”

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”