Archive for December, 2010

The Earmarks Rehab Clinic administrators have announced that the clinic is now officially open for business. But, they warn that the reservation spots are filling quickly, so are encouraging lawmakers to register as soon as possible, before the Waiting Line begins.

As most know, Earmark Passage was recentlydetermined to be a dangerous addiction by the Center for Disease Control and Nitwit Behavior Mitigation. The addiction appears to mostly affect lawmakers who possess particularly soft brain tissue, many of whom flunked arithmetic in elementary school, and others who were bullied as children. One addict, who agreed to be intereviewed, claimed that his Earmark habit developed in the 3rd grade, when he used to squander his lunch money to buy marbles for a special boyfriend. The habit grew stronger in high school as he cashed-in his gift savings bonds and bought an enormous collection of pet rocks. In college, he pissed away his tuition and ended up flunking out by not attending any morning classes. Sad, sad story of the inability to break-out of the cycle of wasting then squandering, and squandering then wasting that has affected so many of these people who, by the way, object to being called “bird brains”.

Happily, help is on the way. The Earmark Rehab Clinic employs a 9-step program to thoroughly cleanse them of their earmark addiction. “It starts with a physical cleansing,” the Chief Nurse explained. “We use enemas, lots and lots of enemas, dozens each day to clear the fecal backup that is inevitably part of the problem. We also do a nostril enema to clear that backup. We flush all the nasty stuff out, and that seems to relieve the pressure on their noggens somehow.”

The Head physician then went on to explain the next steps, which he half-kiddingly referred to as “mental enemas”. The clinic uses a series of mental tests, psychological counseling, ouiga boards, and hypnosis to work on the addict’s behaviors. The hypnosis is particularly interesting, as the staff turns the patients into a squawking flock of birds, or a raging pack of donkeys. “The donkey bit might not change their behavior much, but it’s certainly entertaining to the staff around here. What a riot when they all start hee-hawing in harmony!”

The head of administration said that their January schedule is now full, but there are a few openings still left in February. They explained that no lame duck lawmakers will be allowed to register until all the re-elected addicts have gotten their chances for earmark rehabilitation.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were real.

Bizarreville Health officials are seriously worried over the recent epidemic of total deafness among liberal senators. They have called for an immediate confab of Ear, Nose, and Throat specialists nationwide to diagnose the source of the problem and develop a solution path, before the ailment spreads outside this group.

The outbreak appears to have happened as the senators voted to pass the so-called “Tax Cut extension” bill. The 2000 page bill, erroneously sold to the public as a tax cutting measure, actually contains 6000 spending earmarks, costing billions. The earmarks include such lame-brainness as a peanut research program, mosquito trapping research, and a swine waste management study. It was not clear if the “swine” referred to pigs or senators…or whether there was really any significant difference in the makeup of their waste products anyway.

A senior senator on the Appropriations committee was asked by reporters whether he had listened to the voice of citizens during the last election who demanded spending cuts and fiscal responsibility. “Huh?” the senator responded. He was then asked if he had heard the cries by voters to get the dang Federal budget deficit under control and eliminate the irresponsible Earmark program. He answered, “What was that?? Are you talking to me?” Another reporter asked whether he had any clue about how to balance any sort of freaking budget, or whether he and his colleagues were simply too inept to do basic math. The senator replied, “I see your lips moving. Are you a mime or something? Man, it sure got quiet in here.”

An opposing party official was asked why this deafness ailment just seemed to affect the Liberals, and not the Conservatives. He replied that he did not know what exactly they did in their caucuses, did not want to know, and was uncertain what nasty little bug was gnawing inside their auditory canals…or, for that matter, how the bugs got there in the first place. He also expressed relief that he was not one of those ENT doctors who would have to mine through the earwax of those senators, nor peer into their heads full of jell-o.

Health officials noted that this ailment has happened before. “Affected legislators normally do not have any long-term ill effects,” one official commented, “and seem to gain full recovery once they are swiftly booted out of office and go home. Bed rest is really what they need, months of bed rest.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Make it a funny Christmas. Buy a friend (or adversary) a copy of Tales ofObamaland to jam into his/her Christmas stocking. Tis the season to lighten up.

Click on one of the e-retailers on the right ->

The compromised tax deal announced by the President has infuriated a group who were thought to be his staunchest allies. The activist group known as the King Georgers was formed soon after the Tea Party groups were formed, in direct opposition to the “teabaggers”. Their platform is simple: ‘More tax. Never, never less tax.’ They believe in fiscal responsibility: tax the piss out of people to support an ever-expanding government with everybody paying their unfair share. Hey, life is not fair. The King Georgers claim that there is so much work to do in terms of complete Health Care takeover, auto/steel industry nationalization, and bank/financial system totalitarianism. And that needs to be paid for. This recent deal of continuing the ill-advised Bush tax cuts, after promising to nuke them, is their last straw, prompting them to take to the streets.

The King Georgers staged a rally yesterday to coalesce their membership, which is mostly comprised of multi-billionaires on one hand, and people who don’t pay any taxes on the other. There was a smattering of pseudo-intellectuals in the crowd, mostly burnt-brain college professors who were reportedly mumbling incomprehensible jibberish to themselves. They proudly raised their flag, featuring a likeness of King George III himself, looking pissy and ready to pound some colonist butt.

“Our elected officials,” the GeorgeMaster shouted, “are continuing to let us down. They are squandering away precious time that could be spent dreaming up new creative tax schemes, squelching slimy loopholes, and melting away frivolous deductions. Instead they are wasting time on these incomprehensibly stupid tax cut ideas. How do they expect to pay for the next General Motors takeover? The next Citi Bank takeover? The complete takeover of all media by the FCC?? We need revenue, lots of revenue to realize our bold plans for a united controlled system.”

Just then, the crowd started chanting, “Tax, tax, tax, tax.” The echo almost made it sound like “Axe tax”, so the leader quickly hushed the crowd, lest anyone get the wrong message.

“We long for the good old days of King George III,” he continued. “A time of glory when kickbacks, bribes, and favors were the primary tools to win influence. A time of ‘well-managed corruption’ throughout the land. A time when vindictiveness was the answer for those who chose to be misaligned. Where leaders would respond to Tea Party hijinx by closing the port, shutting down the city, and shooting a few rowdies if they got too confused. We need to get back to that heavy-handedness of yore.”

Insiders on the President’s staff have unofficially responded that the King Georgers just need to show a little more patience. “He has the same goals that you do,” he said, speaking to a gang of Georgers. “He’s just doing a little shake & bake right now to catch the opposition off-guard. Don’t worry, he’ll be back…then look out! He’ll make ole King George look like Mary Poppins.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so darn real.

Slam Futon, the freshman quarterback for Bizarreville University’s football team, continues to be under tight scrutiny by media and the BCAA. Allegations that his father tried to shop him around to different college football programs appears now to be true. Slam maintains he knew nothing about the alleged dealmaking.

A Shlumpville University spokesman, whose program made the allegations, said that an agent for the elder Mr. Futon wanted $160 thousand for his son to play there. When Shlumpville turned him down, he trolled elsewhere. He alleges that he next went to Bizarreville U, where a University official said, “No way are we going to pay that. Slam Futon sucks. He’s barely worth a hill of beans.” Mr. Futon apparently then said, “Okay, I’ll take the beans.” The University laughed, and said they were just kidding, and supposedly sent him packing.

But 2 weeks ago, a Shlumpville alumnus reported seeing a Campbell’s Pork & Beans tanker truck parked in the Futon driveway, with a 10-inch flexible hose routed into a basement window. The tanker truck, he insisted had a Bizarreville flag draped from the antenna. He failed to take a photgraph of the truck, but insists that he heard it emptying some sort of liquid substance convulsing into the home. Attempts to contact Campbell’s to corroborate the delivery story were met with a snickering, slightly obscenity-laced “No comment” response.

Shlumpville is continuing to push for a thorough investigation, even though Slam Futon has proven to be one of the most pathetic quarterbacks in college history. With zero wins, zero touchdowns, 33 interceptions, and 19 personal fumbles, he has yet to show any spark of talent. He was also reprimanded by the League for mooning an official when he disagreed with a False Start penalty after his fanny pack fell off during a 4th and 20 play.

Meanwhile, neighbors have been complaining about odors and noise blasts emanating from the Futon household.

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem to ring true.