Issue 4704

Harris goes deep inside the dumb black experience to ask, "In a country where African-Americans make up an inordinate amount of the prison population, does being dumb really matter one way or the other? They're probably going to get you anyway, righ...

In "Episode Three: The Dumb Glue Holding The Dumb Family Together," reporter John Harris continues his cross-country odyssey of dumbness by talking to imbecilic women. In one especially poignant vignette an idiotic woman's complains abo...

Was the Supreme Court's ruling against Tom Becker fair? Here's what U, the viewers, have to say: "That Becker guy is the worst. I'd rather have my ears bleed uncontrollably than listen to him drone on about the benefits of taekwondo again." --...

Congressman Ronald North, who today admitted to having an affair with a horse, was one of Capitol Hill's most outspoken opponents of gay marriage. The pamphlet below was distributed by North's office in 2010.

In "The Dumb Man: Hardship & Hope At An Eighty-Six I.Q.," "Dumb In America" host John Harris examines what it means to be a dumb man in America today. Though stupid men find themselves increasingly accepted by society as a ...

DENVER—In an explosive performance Sunday night, small forward Carmelo Anthony hustled all over the court, leaping for rebounds, diving for loose balls, and erupting for 36 points while the rest of the Nuggets and Pacers players watched the exciting...

We received thousands of emails about the army’s new chaperone program for women in combat. Here's what U-Say about this issue: "I can't imagine sending these women into combat without a man there to make sure to catch them when they faint at a...

CINCINNATI—Claiming that the phone had been ringing off the hook all morning, Bengals owner and general manager Mike Brown told reporters Tuesday that representatives from every NFL franchise had contacted the Bengals organization to insist they abs...

NEW YORK—Despite the game having been scheduled well over a year ago, not a single person associated with the NFL—players, coaches, reporters, or stadium employees—arrived in Honolulu for the Pro Bowl on Sunday.

TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nation's bird population.

Should Congress just forget the old procedure for signing a bill into law and just create a new one that's easier to remember like putting all the bills in a hat and then whatever one is pulled out gets to be a law?

I've been getting calls all day saying, "Shelby, you have me terrified. Tell me some more about these Decoy Muslims." All right, listen up, because I'm about to tell you what you should do next time you see someone who looks Muslimish.

The government response to the pornography outage that hit the Midwest this week has faced widespread criticism, with many complaining the emergency porn distributed by rescue workers was low-quality, featuring unattractive performers, poor camera angles,...

We urge all idiots to take caution during this snow emergency and keep in mind the follow tips: Snow is cold Avoid walking, running, or driving into trees A garbage bag does not make a "great coat" Keep icicles out of eyes Go outside only if su...

As a historic blizzard continues to hammer the Midwest, many are finding themselves stranded and without an internet connection, unable to access even the most basic pornography. Protect yourself. Keep Emergency Porn Kits in your home your home, car, and office. While an Emergency Porn Kit won’t provide you with the endless variants of hardcore sex you’re used to, it will be enough to save you from going through a disaster entirely pornless.

JAMESTOWN, ND—A decorated World War II veteran who was still a teenager when he first saw combat and witnessed the bodies of friends being torn apart by heavy artillery was cursed at by a passing motorist Tuesday for driving the posted speed limit.

ARLINGTON, TX—As the Super Bowl approaches, veterans returning to football's most high-pressure event have been doing their best to prepare their teammates for the mental stresses, unique physical demands, and quasi-supernatural nightmarish manifest...

You've got one second to make an impression with the whole world watching. Upload your one-second OSN ad, and if you're the top vote-getter, you'll see it for one glorious second during the Super Bowl. Cash in on YOUR one second of fame -- upload yo...

NEW YORK—Actor Tom Gilbert, who for the past 44 years has portrayed the popular television personality Regis Philbin, announced last week he will be leaving the long-running morning program Live With Regis & Kelly, saying he has ta...

ATLANTA—A new study published Tuesday by Emory University determined that 89 percent of networking encounters occur forcibly and without the consent of one of the parties involved, a disturbing finding that suggests far more people are victims of unwanted career-related discussions than was previously thought.

Disappointing scene in Las Vegas as boxer Hector Ansada failed to kill his opponent Kent Sudder in the ring today. Despite Sudder's clearly out-of-shape physique and a referee with near-criminal level tolerance for violence, Ansada was not able to deliv...

BOULDER, CO—After a long day of hearing the prayers of His followers and controlling the seas and skies, God confirmed today He almost forgot to kill 43-year-old Boulder loan officer Dave Elfman, nearly derailing His plan for the universe.

WASHINGTON—Citing historical legislative accomplishments, an improving economy, and the American people's resilience in the face of adversity, President Barack Obama declared Tuesday that the state of the union—aside from all the weirdos, freaks, and truly bizarre citizens out there who are "just really, really strange"—is strong.

Ann Folger waged an unsuccessful battle against QVC, caving in and buying a pitcher with fruit infuser. That knocked her clean out of the power rankings for the week, so let's see who usurped her position: 1) Audrey Thomas Last Week: 1 ...

When people want to make a documentary about a slice of Americana, they come to Reade, Texas and join the long, proud tradition of filming a season's worth of footage of the Reade Warriors football team.

We received thousands of viewers mails about Judge Lemont's decision that 16-year-old Hannah Stevenson will be tried as a black adult. Here's what U-Say about the ruling: "Hannah does not deserve this. No matter how bad her crime may have been, she...

CLEVELAND—Officials from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced Tuesday they were removing 1993 inductee Van Morrison from the institution following the discovery that he had bet on record sales throughout his career.

PARIS—At a press conference Tuesday, the World Heritage Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich and Poor as the "Eighth Wonder of the World," describing the global wealth divide as the "most colossal and enduring of mankind's creations."

End Of Section

More News

Final Week Of "Dumb In America" Looks At Future Of Idiots

In "Half-Wits Ascendant: Towards A Dumber Tomorrow," Host John Harris is embedded with The Brotherhood of the Talon, a group of anti-government revolutionaries deep in the Ozarks, where he uncovers a little-known fact: several of the nation's Founding Founders were actually dumb. Will America finally come to terms with its dumb heritage? Don't miss this final episode of this important series, or the Onion News Netword's follow-up series "Dumb In America 2: State of Dumbergency," coming in 2012.