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An irreverent look at the beautiful game

When Sunderland striker Kevin Phillips was caught speeding in his £50,000 BMW near Durham recently, he asked traffic policeman Nigel Craig if Sunderland could have the three points instead of them going on his licence. A day after stopping Phillips though, PC Craig caught Newcastle United and England’s Kieron Dyer speeding too. Rumours that he has been seen subsequently lurking outside Middlesbrough’s Riverside Stadium to complete his northeast hat-trick are yet to be denied

Referee had no axe to grind

Five-a-side referee Charlie Hellier was accused of chasing players with an axe during a game in north London. Apparently he was subjected to serious abuse from one team after he disallowed a goal and abandoned the match. Then a player hit him. ‘All hell broke loose,’ said a witness. Hellier apparently then ran to his car and returned ‘stripped to the waist and waving a long axe round