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Topic: If someone chooses not to attend an event, are they owed a doggy bag? (Read 10947 times)

Bob is not owed a plate of food, even if it's Christmas or Thanksgiving. The best part of Thanksgiving and Christmas are the leftovers and if someone didn't show up to the party because they didn't want to socialize with me, then they certainly wouldn't get a doggie bag.

This feels to me as though it's partly about how close people feel: most of us will extend ourselves further for the people we love than for the people they care about who we don't know well or feel much connection to, like a sibling's roommate. Policy aside, I suspect that if Bottlecaps had called the host two days beforehand and said something like "I'm really feeling wiped out from not having any time alone since Labor Day, if I beg off can you give my love to Mom?" her sister might still have sent a plate. Not that Bottlecaps would have been owed a doggy bag, since nobody is entitled to be sent a Thanksgiving dinner unless it's previously been offered/arranged, but her sister might have done so because she wanted to, out of affection even though her refrigerator isn't overflowing with leftover stuffing or cranberry relish.

Unless there's significant back story we don't have--say, Bob baked Bobttlecaps's sister a fancy cake for a party he couldn't attend--it's okay for him to be disappointed, but iffy to say more than "that sounds like a really nice dinner, I wish I'd been up to going" to the OP. (He's free to kvetch to his hypothetical cousin over the phone, as long as Bottlecaps and her family aren't going to hear about it; his doing that wouldn't create any sort of pressure or resentment.)

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Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

The point of the meal is to enjoy it with friends and family. If it were just "free food" Bob could go to the local pantry and get some. No, he is not entitled to afterwards partake in a dinner he chose not to attend. The nerve...

You sister was generous with the invitation. Bob, on the other hand, was rude for expecting food. Nope, he doesn't get any, nor should he get any more invitations. And I doubt he will; your sister seems to have a nice shiny spine to go with that generous spirit.

So, a non relative gets a generous invite, decides he doesn't feel up to socializing with these people, but still wants a plate of food? Entitled much? As the cook of large holiday meals..I will feed any stray that needs a place to go on a holiday but I am not a takeout counter. If you want take out service, go thru a drive thru.

I need to be sure I understand: you live with both Bob and Uncle Chatterbox. Both were invited to TG, but neither came, Uncle Chatterbox due to work and Bob because he didn 't want to. Leftovers were brought for Uncle Chatterbox, but not for Bob, and the difference was bc of the reasons they declined.

I don't think your sister was wrong or rude, but under the circumstances I can see where Bob may not understand why he did not get the same treatment as UC.

No one is owed food to be brought home for any reason if unable to attend. It's not rude of the hosts to make this decision. It IS rude for the guest to expect it. That aside, in my family and with DH and me, if the food should be available to provide guests with plates to take for whatever reason, they are welcome to it. I know we've read in other threads about some things being expensive or hosts not expecting to give away the leftovers, but I circumvent the expense issue by not serving anything too expensive to share (the only time we did not was when we bought several live crab to cook and eat at my mother's house while we were in town for a visit -- there's no way we wouldn't have shared the leftovers as we were guests staying for free in her house). In our own home, I wouldn't suggest serving something as expensive as crab or lobster or even shrimp to guests. Otherwise, we've always welcomed our guests to bring home additional food if they wanted to.

Bob is not owed a plate of food, even if it's Christmas or Thanksgiving. The best part of Thanksgiving and Christmas are the leftovers and if someone didn't show up to the party because they didn't want to socialize with me, then they certainly wouldn't get a doggie bag.

I want to be clear that I don't think that he is "owed" anything at all. This isn't a commercial transaction. There is a good analogy there though. For a normal dinner party, the guests pay with their presence and scintillating conversation and the hosts pay with food and also scintillating conversation. For the sharing holidays, the party is more about sharing the festive season with people you care about (and in some ways perhaps people you may love, but not choose be with a lot of time...)

But if I care for someone enough to invite them for Thanksgiving, then I care enough that I want them to have a nice Thanksgiving and if that involves me sending home a tupperware of turkey I'm going to do it. With no questions. If I didn't care enough to invite them, then they don't get the turkey.

To me the distinction is that for a dinner party, I say :I want to enjoy your company. Please come for dinner.For Thanksgiving/Christmas I say: I want you to have a nice holiday. Please come for dinner.

As for them mooching free food, I can worry about that the rest of the year. If they were a moocher or unpleasant, maybe they don't get an invite next year. But I am assuming that I have a reason to want this person for Thanksgiving and that means that I want them to enjoy it.

I feel like Sis' leftover policy is a manifestation of the invitee's intentions. If you can't be there physically, but you're there in spirit, she recognizes that wish with a plate of food, almost like saying 'we celebrated with you.' If you decline, you weren't, so she doesn't.

I think this is tricky, because it's unclear (and not something you can just ask) is if him not liking a crowd is the main reason or a convenient excuse. He turned down the invitation, however, and from the OP I got more "can't be bothered" than "I wish I could, but social phobia."

Maybe it's just my own personal hang-ups, but if someone declined a thanksgiving invitation, I'd assume they made other plans (Even if those plans are a marathon of Breaking Bad and takeaway). No hard feelings, but I'd personally feel like a line cook and taken for granted if I were expected to give them a plate of food I labored over while they couldn't be bothered to even tolerate my presence for a few hours.

I need to be sure I understand: you live with both Bob and Uncle Chatterbox. Both were invited to TG, but neither came, Uncle Chatterbox due to work and Bob because he didn 't want to. Leftovers were brought for Uncle Chatterbox, but not for Bob, and the difference was bc of the reasons they declined.

I don't think your sister was wrong or rude, but under the circumstances I can see where Bob may not understand why he did not get the same treatment as UC.

I agree, it seems really odd to me to bring home leftovers to one person but not the other. It's not a matter of who is "owed" the food, just that it seems petty not to include Bob if he's the only one at the house who declined the invitation due to anxiety.

I need to be sure I understand: you live with both Bob and Uncle Chatterbox. Both were invited to TG, but neither came, Uncle Chatterbox due to work and Bob because he didn 't want to. Leftovers were brought for Uncle Chatterbox, but not for Bob, and the difference was bc of the reasons they declined.

I don't think your sister was wrong or rude, but under the circumstances I can see where Bob may not understand why he did not get the same treatment as UC.

I agree, it seems really odd to me to bring home leftovers to one person but not the other. It's not a matter of who is "owed" the food, just that it seems petty not to include Bob if he's the only one at the house who declined the invitation due to anxiety.

I'd agree it was petty to not give him a plate of food also (given he's in the same house as another guest) but not rude. I would hope Bob's issue with not receiving food doesn't make it back to Sister because I'm thinking then, next year, Bob won't be invited at all.

I've never come across people getting a doggy bag from an event at someone's house. Sometimes people attending get to take home some leftovers, mostly so the host isn't stuck with them but I've never come across a full meal being sent home for someone.

I've never come across people getting a doggy bag from an event at someone's house. Sometimes people attending get to take home some leftovers, mostly so the host isn't stuck with them but I've never come across a full meal being sent home for someone.

I'm coming to the conclusion that doggie bags are some ingrained part of American culture that people from the UK don't 'get'. Never in a million billion years would I expect anybody to be sent a plate/container of food from a party. I'd never expect to take leftovers home if I did attend.

I've never seen anybody take home leftovers, unless it's kids taking home slices of birthday cake, or sometimes my Grandma will give people cake to take home because she won't eat it before it goes stale.

But anything except cake? I've literally never ever seen that. Maybe it's because people don't tend to over-cook as much? I mean, there'll be plenty, and probably some leftovers, but not so much that the householders couldn't finish them before they went bad.