Question

What can I do if my husband won't help with the baby or the housework?

Share

I'm grateful that I can stay home with our 6-month-old, but my husband doesn't realize that while his job is Monday through Friday, mine is seven days a week. It's like pulling teeth to get him to watch our 6-month-old for half an hour so I can take a shower or just get a breather. He won't change a diaper unless I ask, and then he gives me a hard time about it. The same goes for feedings or even giving the baby attention. I can't get him to clean, cook, or help with the laundry either. I'm exhausted and I never have time for myself. What can I do?

Mom Answers

My situation was a little different in that my husband had to watch our daughter 9 hours a day so I could go back to finish beaty school. after I was done it was a different story, he just thought that it was my job and wondered why everything wasn't done when he got home. Well, I work very hard but my first priority is to enjoy my 8 month old now because she won't ever need me the same way again. What I started doing though was putting the baby down for her long nap and leaving to go grocery shopping. My husband couldn't complain becauseshe was asleep and I left a gerber out in case she woke up. When I got home she would usually be awake and playing with him with a fresh diaper on. I think that it helped. Now at least when he is working my errands are done and I get some time to just focuse on what I'm doing. God Bless you.

A lot of men just don't feel as comfortable or natural about parenting. My father-in-law is great with two of our daughters--now that they are both over TWO! My husband is similar, but not as extreme. He will hold the baby as long as she sleeps! Since I'm breastfeeding, he feels helpless when she gets "fidgety." He gets uptight and she gets cranky. If I find things he can do with her that keep her happy, he gets more confident and is more willing to keep her for me. He bought a baby carrier that he LOVES to use. She either sleeps soundly on his chest or just looks around as he goes about his normal activities. (Yard work, walks, picking up around the house, etc.) He just doesn't have the patience to feel "tied down" by sitting and holding a baby all day. Our youngest is a month old now and he is getting way more involved. Every man's comfort level is different with very young babies and you need to find out what works for him. You may not have married a man that will cater to you in the way of a lot of other husbands. Gradually ask him to help with little things and DO NOT criticize his work! Male egos are fragile and he will back away altogether. Compliment him on the little things he DOES do and he should gradually come around. Men are simply not wired the same as women. They do not naturally live to aniticipate the needs of others. Babies have so many needs that men just find it overwhelming! Give him time, tell him how you feel, and appreciate what little progress you can make with him. I'm sure, no matter what, he will come around as the baby gets older and less needy. How does he respond to toddlers? Older children? Look for his comfort level and you will get a lot further than offering ultimatums. That will just make him defensive.
GOOD LUCK!!!

I have the same problem. I have a 4 1/2 year old boy and twin 8 month old boys and my husband still doesnt get it. Sometimes he seems like he is trying to make an effort but other times nothing. This time around though I am trying to make sure that I expect more from him. I go have coffee with my mom or shopping alone while he watches the boys. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just do it all myself, but that's not the point, it's his responsiblity too.

I'm in the same situation. We, or should I say, I have three beautiful children and hubby doesn't help at all. I do everything. He won't even take the trash out. He comes home from work and throws this dirty clothes all over the place and guess who gets to pick them up. You got it. If my four and three year old are fighting while I'm feeding my 5 month old guess who gets to handle it while hubby stares at the tv. You got it. If he makes a mess while eating on my couch guess who cleans it? I think you get the picture. He won't do a da** thing. I've tried everything you girls suggested a long time ago (been married 7 years) and nothing works. He doesn't care if I'm stressed. Good luck girls!!

i run my own business, do all the babycare and financially support the family. my husband works much, much less than i do, but has never stayed up through the night with our infant. i feel like i do it all and he has a pretty cush set up. it is frustrating. he was also not supportive at all during my pregnancies. it was a huge disappointment to me. he is great with our now 2 year old son. he says he just can't relate to infants. i say get over it and help. i am drowning over here, supporting the family and doing babycare while he just roughhouses with our 2 year old a bit and calls it a night at 8:30 pm! i wish i could get myself a wife like me!

i couldnt even get my husband to listen to me after i did all everyone suggested....it has gotten to the point where if i leave the baby with him all he does is get angry with him and now the baby cries everytime daddy holds him......btw, this was written with a 3 month old in my arms!

I'm glad (not actually glad, it's kind of sickening) to hear I'm not the only one in this type of situation. I know he loves his son, but dammit, don't I deserve time to myself too!!!! Fighting about it only makes it worse. I could go on and on.......... Glad to know it's not just me!!!!!!!

First let me say that I definately understand the frustration of a new baby with little help. Heck I have two, an 18 month old and a 7 week old.
My husband believes that his responsibility to this family is to bring home the paycheck and my responsibility is to take care of the home, babies, and my job. (I work at night until anywhere from 11pm to 2am) Even though I work too, when I am at home all of that is my job. Most men work hard physically and usually harder hours (though there are some exceptions)I find that playing games with your husband only makes this situation worse and may also cause your husband to look at you negatively. See how your husband feels if you treat him the way you did before the children came. Expecially if you have the privelage of staying home. Always keep a clean home, a hot meal on the table (or warming in the oven). If you need to shower, take one when your child(ren) are taking a nap or sleeping at night. Luckily for us moms children don't need to be held all of the time. Put your baby in the carseat and bring the carseat carrier into the bathroom while you shower. That way if you have to you can just pop a pacifier in his/her mouth. Your husband will more than likely see your hard work and your relationship will benefit. Nobody wants to do something they are forced to do. And remember you have nine months of bonding with baby that your husband didn't have. Give him a chance and just pray about it.

I know that it is hard just having a new addition to your home. I stayed home for 3 months after our daughter was born and I tried to do all the cooking and cleaning and tending to a newborn. It was hard, my husband would try to help, but I wouldn't let him. I figured he was working and I was at home so that was my job. Yes, that lasted for about 2 weeks. Working is Monday-Friday and being a parent is FULL TIME. Keep trying and discussing this with your husband and if that dosen't work, plan an afternoon, Get dressed, and just tell him right as you are walking out that you are going shopping or whatever it is that you are doing and just go. What he dosen't realize is that mom need some time to herself. Dad sometimes dosen't also realize that he needs some alone bonding time with his child. Just try it and see what happens. You are a wonderful mother, take that well deserved break.

There is no way that one can do it all. I say that if he wants supper and you feel drained - let him fix it himself. Or if he doesnt have clean underwear - maybe he will throw a load in. He has 2 hands and can fend. Your baby cant. Stop trying to be everything to everyone and be a little selfish. You cant be a super person and if you dont take a breather you are not going to be happy - more like resentful and that turns to anger and the relationship can be hurt in the long run. Find a sitter for an hour or so - get out or get rest and a new perspevtive - its amazing what that can do.

This Internet site provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your own health or the health of your child, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare professional. Please review the Terms of Use before using this site. Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use.

This site is published by BabyCenter, L.L.C., which is responsible for its contents as further described and qualified in the Terms of Use.