wandering in this great big world

So here’s an update about me : I’m a freshman now. I got accepted through the natiobal university entrance, majoring biochemistry. I moved into dormitory a month ago, and I started my very first class of undergraduate study today

They say, the first year is pretty much the same with high school. The lessons are quite a lot and packed and most of my high school lessons also available on my university classes

Today at 54 years ago, my campus was built. So we started the day with a ceremony, a symbol of dies natalies of my campus.

Today I supposed to have basic chemistry, in which I really curious about. But the class got cancelled due to the ceremony. Physics was quite interesting. The lecturer fits my style. English tho… I had a hard time listening to the lecturer.

I attended an event held by students from my city. There were a lot of people. I met some old friends. I didn’t stay till the end though.

I have so much things to say, but fail to fathom. I feel sleepy right now. As for why I wrote this, I feel inspired by a youtuber that vlogs every single day and now on her #302 vlogs. Since she does it daily, the vlogs are pretty much drawing her days out. I want to do the same, but the media is this blog.

Uh, I completely understand this is a tiring post. No worries tho, l’ll just leave it here and take a rest.

If you ever walked from Sudirman station straight to M.H. Thamrin street through the Bunderan Hotel Indonesia, you’ll realise that there are many, many buildings are shaped almost like prisons. High walls, wires on top, and at least three securities guard the front door with stoned faces. Not much space for parking lot and seemed like only few people come & go through the building.

The Embassy of Germany for Indonesia is what I was talking about, and what amazed me for the most. The walls that surrounded the building is likely up to four meters in high, with curled wires on top, CCTV(s) at the pedestrian walk, and four people guarded the main gate. You can’t even see the entrance door of the building from the outside.

My stop was the Embassy of Japan. It was only ten minute walk from the former one, past Grand Indonesia. When I was crossing the road using the hanging bridge, I can see the building clearly from top. From the outside, it just doesn’t look friendly. Indeed, almost looked like a prison. The building is dark brown in color, and there’s just barely any window glasses can be see-through from afar.

The standard security system here in Jakarta, Indonesia is to leave your ID card to the security (you can bring it back after you finished your business), body check, and belongings check. After you are confirmed free from harmful things, you’re allowed to go inside afterwards.

The part of the building that I visited was rather small, compared to other buildings in the street. It was only a two story building, but I took a lift upstairs because I felt tired after quite a walk. I visited the library and from there, I wished to see the street from above. But then, I couldn’t.

There were windows there, but the windows fence are striped horizontally, and block the access of the window to be opened from inside. So you’ll feel like in a cell, really. But the good thing is that the library is really comfortable. There weren’t many books there, but quite understandable since it is just a part of an office.

I also made another visit to Institut Francais d’Indonesie (IFI) last year, and I remembered feeling confused with the entrance gate because it was just a one story building, so I really, really couldn’t see anything from outside, with high, pure black walls around it.

It’s crystal clear that many people feel traumatized with bombing attacks that happened many times in the capital city, and how many foreign embassies do everything they could to protect their people inside their work area.

But it’s also crystal clear that we, civilizations, are just exposed to any kinds of attack. It makes me wonder, if there’s a bad person go to my school bringing a bomb—and nobody knows because there’s no such of security system in my school—aren’t the hundred students in my school is just really, really vulnerable to that attack? We are the youths, the ones that people keep saying as the country’s next leaders, but at the same time there is no mean of protections that we received (or to the ones we loved ; family, friends).

And it also makes me think, that even people who work in high buildings with many kinds of security system, after they got home, they’re no longer receiving that protection. They’re unprotected as ever, as vulnerable as ever.

So what do we need to do exactly?

I think for the most part, we’re not THAT afraid with the attacks we don’t know. It’s just we are THAT scared with death. The fear lie beneath us; the fear of leaving the world, the fear of not able to feel the things we are feeling right now, the fear to taste death in the worst way.

The fear to be alone inside the earth mother’s womb, the fear to be surrounded by pure blackness, the fear of not knowing anything what will happen after we die.

But we know, don’t we?

We know what will happen there. It’s just a matter of willingness to believe in it, or not. We know it’s what we do today that will affect our lives later. We know today’s act means a lot to the dead version of us. We know that every decision that created our actions will be counted for good or bad.

I’m not here to scare you. I am also a sinner. We’re all humans are sinners.

Either we die in places we want to be or in places we don’t want to be;
either we die in time we want to be or in time we don’t want to be;
either we die in a way we want to be or in a way we don’t want to be;
death will still find us, and it won’t stop to take our souls even if we don’t want it to be.

It is a destiny, a decision, a fate He has wrote a long time ago, before the entire universe was made.

There’s an indie band called Payung Teduh in my country. Their songs are my favorite ones.

One of their songs, entitled “Kita adalah Sisa-Sisa Keikhlasan yang Tidak Diikhlaskan” is a really memorable one for me. It remains me to be calm at times, and remind me with a battle I failed some time ago.

I joined a debate competition in UPI Bandung back when I was in eleventh grade. The first time I contacted the person in charge, they say the fee was going to be around more or less 200k IDR. The second time I confirmed, they said they already cooperated with Mahkamah Konstitusi. So, my friends and I won’t even need to pay at all. What’s even better was they provided food, hotel, certificate, and photo booth. I was one lucky soul.

I came to Bandung by bus, with a friend of mine, Stella. We rode Primajasa, and then took Damri to reach UPI. It was just really the two of us, talking and chattering around along the way, while singing Payung Teduh’s songs. We don’t really feel anxious back then. It felt like we were on an adventure.

As soon as we arrived to the hotel, we had a quick conference for the debate mechanism. Then we had dinner, and allowed to have rest afterwards.

I couldn’t fall asleep. I felt so anxious, thinking about my rivals and how bad I am when I’m delivering my arguments. I’m afraid of so many bad things, and I just can’t let them get out of my mind.

Yes.

I walked outside, to the mini park, sat on a bench; plug in my earphone, listening to Payung Teduh’s Kita adalah Sisa-Sisa Keikhlasan yang Tidak Diikhlaskan, and chill. Bandung looked so peaceful. It was 11.00 pm and everyone was asleep, and there I am watched the lights of the city. The wind wept my face so soft and soothing. It was a cold night and I didn’t wear any socks, but I don’t mind.

It was really calming. I had my spirit back with me. I continued to make other arguments, and had a high hope that my friends and I would win the competitions.

We didn’t though. It’s just me who couldn’t give a better understanding to my other two partners about the motion, and I ended up making them made uncoherent arguments just because of my first explanation.

But I felt happy as I could be. I learned one big thing that it’s really important to be calm.

Also, practice and have lots of discussion in order to make a coherent, codependent and cooperative arguments is always needed. Since debate is a team competition, the more you gather, the more skillful you are on delivering and thinking about new arguments.

Thank you for the chance, Civics Law of Universitas Pendidikan Bandung.

I’ve been thinking lately, where am I going to continue after high school ends?

Apparently, choosing a major in college is harder than it sounds. There has to be a thorough thinking, and a lot of consideration of some aspects. We also mustn’t forget about our dreams, because we could be closer to our dreams because of college.

Yet, this heart always filled with doubts. Fear of getting failures.

Please pray for me to stand on my ground, and work harder to achieve my dreams.