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Until recently, I haven’t really tried in this relationship. That’s hard for me to say but it’s true. I’ve given it a half-assed effort like I’ve done with everything I’ve ever done my whole life. I’ve never admitted that to anyone until just now.

I think Master knew. I think He’s been telling me that for a long time (What was your first clue? When He said, “You’re doing a half-assed job of being a slave. We both know you can do better.”?). I always have to see it for myself. Why is that? I’m so god damn pigheaded. Gah!

I’ve realized when I started to doubt my interest in this type of relationship. And I know, now, that I’m an idiot. Lol. Cause now that I’m behaving and trying and things are going smoothly and… I can’t imagine not living like this. I’ll probably question again. My moods change with the weather and the weather is damn kooky up here. But I have this time to look back on and remind myself.