Hack! (2007)

I think that Hack! is supposed to be a horror spoof, and the fact that I say “I think” should give an indication of how successful a spoof it is. It knowingly throws in a bunch of horror cliches — including a disparate group of college students (the jock, the nerd, the gay guy, the heavy metal chick, the hot foreign exchange student, and yes, the black guy) — and expects us to overlook them because they’re “on purpose.” Spoofs, though, are supposed to be witty and poke fun of their target; Hack! does neither. It’s mercilessly unfunny, and as the drab DVD cover art shows, it plays things surprisingly straight. This isn’t a parody or a send-up; it’s just derivative…or should I say a “hack” job? (Laugh it up, because seriously, that’s funnier than anything in this movie.)

At least Hack! does acknowledge that the black guy tends to not fare well in these situations. The black guy in question here is named “Q” (surprise), smokes weed (surprise surprise), utters phrases like, “That’s the shit!” (surprise surprise surprise) and dies halfway through the film (you know the drill). It turns out he’s played by a rapper named Won-G, so he very well might not be acting at all.

But there’s more! In addition to the black guy, there’s a black sheriff played by Tony Burton of Rocky fame. He’s sort of Hollarann-like in both look and function, as he almost comes to the rescue of the kids being hunted by homicidal maniacs on a deserted island. Sheriff Stoker (Bram Stoker; get it?) is no mere Hallorann clone, however; he takes his axe in the stomach rather than the back. (There’s a lot more meat there to cushion the blow.) It would be a nice touch if this were a tribute to Scatman Crothers’ by the overly horror-conscious filmmakers, but that would probably be giving them too much credit.

“Did I just smoke a Crayola?”Solo pattycakes is sad…and just a bit creepy.“I knew I shouldn’t have rubbed that bacon grease on my forehead…”“Boy, stop eyein’ my junk.”Brandy’s HMO contact lens was fairly conspicuous.To no one’s surprise, the Wonder Years reunion ended in a bloodbath.

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