My
high school gym
teacher imparted two important lessons on me. First,
showering
before school is pointless when you have gym first period.
Second, most sports are played with balls. However,
I don't
think he meant it quite as literally as I took it. It turns
out,
when you combine the excitement of sports with the comedy of deez nuts,
you get some truly amazing moments. Maybe the players on this
list are on to something. There's a reason why people are
called
sports nuts.

BASKETBALL

It should surprise no one that the sport with the biggest balls is the
source of some of the best moments in sports ... and nuts.

1. Big
Balls Dance:
In the NBA, when
you hit a big shot, you show off your big balls by
doing the appropriately named Big Balls Dance. The dance,
started
by Sam Cassell (pictured in Clippers Jersey), involves a below the
waist hand motion that simulates juggling a pair of really big balls.
Kobe Bryant was a practitioner of the dance, but it reached
epic
fame when the Bulls' Marco Belinelli became the first document white
dude to pull it off in a big game 7 playoff win against the
Nets
in 2013. In doing so, Belinelli became the Larry Bird of
balls.
Unfortunately, the NBA was not keen to take advantage of this
marketing opportunity and banned the dance. In 2014, Jameer
Nelson
and Kevin Martin kept the dance alive ... at a cost of a $15,000 fine
each. Totally worth it.

2. Nut
Punch (college):
Sadly, nuts in basketball are not all fun and games.
Sometimes a
player loses it and punches another player in the sac, which is really
funny to everyone ... except the player who got punched in the ballsac.
2004 was the first recorded instance of this phenomena we
could
find. The trailblazer? DePaul Blue Devil Levar Seals.
The
victim? Cincinnati Bearcat Tony Bobbitt (which is really ironic given
what happened to the other famous Bobbitt). In the 2013
Conference USA basketball title game, seals hit Bobbit in the sac with
8:22 left in the game. That historic move cost Seals an
ejactulation, er' ejection and Cincy went on to win the game.
DePaul basketball has never recovered, but Bobbitt did.

3.
Nut Punch (Olympics): The Olympics are supposed to be a
shining
beacon of sportsmanship and competition. France's Nic Batum,
then
of the Trailblazers, blazed a trail right to Spain's Juan Carlos
Navarro's nuts in the 2012 London Olympics. Nicely done ...
for a
Frenchie.

FOOTBALL

Not to be outdone by the
NBA, in 2014, the NFL
stepped up its deez nuts game in a big way.

1. Marshawn
Lynch Lets His Hand Do The Talking:
Marshawn Lynch was fined $11,050 for his amazing touchdown move on
December 21, 2014.
At the end of his 79 yard touchdown run, Lynch did a backward
dive into the endzone while grabbing his crotch. You can
almost
hear him yelling "deeeeeeez nuuuuuts!" as he scores. We took
it
as a good sign when he was not penalized at the time for the move.
Unfortunately, the NFL lived up to its 'no fun league'
reputation
when it issued a fine. As an impartial female sports fan said to me
"That's what makes the NFL fun. Why did they have to fine him for
that?" That said, the fine was less than the
$15,000 fines the NBA issued, so maybe the NFL isn't so bad after all.

UPDATE: Not
content to grab his boner once, Marshawn Lynch again reached for
greatness on January 18, 2015 in the NFC Championship Game against the
Green Bay Packers. With one clutch of his gonards, Lynch
achieved immortality as the only man in sports history to hold his nuts
on TV twice in one season. A true inspiration!

2. Kelce
Rubs One Out: There's an oft
repeated phrase among men that goes like this: It's ok to rub one out.
Apparently this axiom does not hold true during an NFL game.
Kelce was fine $11,025 after he made the classic 'rub one
out'
gesture during a November 30, 2014 game againt the Broncos. I
know a lot of guys who have Peyton Manning on their fantasy team who
pretty much jerk off to him all the time, so I don't know why this move
was deemed inappropriate. Kelce's Twitter explanation makes it even more funny. At least Kelce can take consolation in
the fact that his fine was $35 less than Lynch's.

3. Swift
Kick to the Schaubicles:Kelce
and Lynch can thank a pioneer from way back in 2012 for coming up
with the innovation that the NFL and nuts could intersect.
That
trailblazer is Ndamukong Suh. During the 2012
Thankgiving
Day match between the Detroit Lions and the Houston Texans, quarterback
Matt Schaub had a lot to be thankful for. Getting kicked in
the
gonards by Ndamukong Suh was probably not one of those things (I mean,
they wear cleats in the NFL, right?). This Karate Kid* move is
one reason Suh was named the NFL's dirtiest player in a poll of
NFL players. It is also the only reason he is named the
funniest
sports nut kicker in a poll of me.

*Wax on, wax off indeed. Karate Kid
is an 1984 movie about a boy who learns karate. It includes
this
classic line, which many believe evokes masturbation.