Hello Sex Doc,I got one issue to ask you about (hope that I can talk openly);its about pattern of sexuality that arouses me when I watch some porn sites and masturbate. I go to usual sites that is well known, nothing special, but the kind of videos I search and watch got some features and characteristic that arouses me more, and I think that they aren't quite good. See, I think that everything's got the thing with power, overpowering, blackmailing, extortion, controlling of every second of the moment, position, dammit...I am a nice and quiet guy, but this is worrying me.When I search for some porn videos, there are videos where both partners enjoy sex, smiling at each other, make fun of it, simply enjoy doing it, but that is not arousing me. I search for some scenarios where a female is tricked, manipulated or blackmailed into the sex. For example, one video is a bank robbery, a scenario where a few bank robbers take scared female workers and sexually exploit them threatening to them with the gun, so they would do everything they ask them. I'm not interested in physical hurting the female, but... I don't know what is it, some kind of excessive need for control. But then, if it is that, why it has to be through my sexuality?Of course that this is only my imagination, but I desperately need an explanation for it so I can move further, into pleasuring and fun sexual contacts.Can you give me some insights?Thanks a lot in advance __________________________

Answer:

What worries you exactly about this fantasy? Are you worried something is wrong with you? Or that you will act out the fantasy and potentially harm a woman? Are you frightened by it?

Sexual fantasies are simply that--sexual fantasies. As you admit yourself, it is only in your imagination. That said, I understand that it troubles you and that you want to understand it more fully.

What people sexually fantasize about often has nonsexual meanings. So in your fantasy I wonder what extortion, blackmail and manipulation represents to you.

Were you manipulated in your childhood? Were you coerced perhaps through your own sexual abuse? Sometimes having it done to you causes fantasies to surface to do it to someone else. The unconscious is simply finding a way to heal and resolve what happened to you thought the sexual fantasy.

You say you are a nice and quiet guy. I wonder if, perhaps, you are too nice and too quiet and in your sexual fantasy you get to be mean, powerful and in control. You get to tell the women what to do and they must listen to you or else face consequences. I wonder if in your nonsexual life you feel powerless and non-influencial toward women? Is this your mind's way to make up for feeling disempowered by women?

I don't recommend worrying about this fantasy. I wonder if you could embrace it as a part of you that has erotcized control and empowerment. It doesn't mean you will or want to trreat women in this way. Fantasies are not logical and often are politically incorrect.

I do recommend you find ways to enjoy other types of porn and fantasy that foster intimacy and attachment in addition to the sexual fantasy you shared here.

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