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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 11-15

Oh we're getting into the good stuff now. And by good, I mean infuriating. As usual, all block quoted text belongs to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, whose minds are very interesting. Also, before we start, I would like to give a shout-out to my mom who is about to read some very candid jokes and indignant rants about sex, written by her eldest daughter. Love you Mom! And love you too Dad, if you're reading over Mom's shoulder, which you totally do all the time!

Rule 11:

Always End the Date First

Basically:Even if you're having a great time, end the date first (see Rule title) so you can leave him wanting more of you, "not less."

BS Meter:Wait- what? If you're having a great time, end the date so he'll ask you out again. On the surface that seems okay, except that it seems that you are supposed to abruptly announce that you've had a wonderful time but have a busy day tomorrow, carefully being sure not to say what it is that you'll be so busy doing. For someone with MY social "graces" this is a recipe for disaster.

Points of Interest:

Not ending the date is bad enough. What's worse, however is prolonging the date once it should have been over. Randy felt that she was "losing" Bob at the end of their second date [...] so she suggested that they go dancing. Bob didn't want to hurt her feelings so he said okay, then he never called again. Of course, Randy should have ended the date right after the movie, but she thought she could entice Bob with her great disco dancing.

Uh, Bob? Bullet dodged, buddy. Bullet dodged.

Meg's Alternate Rule:The all day date can be a lot of fun, so don't discount it. If you find that all of your dates are all day dates, though, you are not dating, you are forming a co-dependency. Keep an eye on it.

Rule 12:

Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day

Basically:If you don't get jewelry, flowers, poetry, or other romantic gifts on your bday or Vday, that dude is not going to give you "the most important gift of all: an engagement ring." If he buys you something thoughtful or expensive for those two "holidays" but it's not jewelry or flowers, it's over. It's fine to get practical gifts any other time of the year. Also, if he doesn't sign a card "Love, name" then he doesn't love you.

BS Meter:HOLY. LORD. ABOVE. I wish you guys could see my face. (not taking a picture, it's really an ugly face I'm making.) I am DYING. I wish this book was like Tom Riddle's diary so I could jump into it and slap these women silly. Let me put it to you this way: the two most romantic gifts I have ever received are (in order of receipt) Rage Against The Machine's "Evil Empire" and a trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Seriously romantic and thoughtful, both of them. AH! But there's the rub, according to The Rules. I should have known that those men would not marry me, because they gave me thoughtful gifts that I really, really wanted instead of going to Jared.

Points of Interest:Sooo many good quotes.

Furthermore, while a romantic gift is a must for birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and anniversaries, a man who is crazy about you will give you all kinds of things all the time.

Like chlamydia! *rimshot*

For example, when Patty expressed an interest in biking, her boyfriend Mike bought her a fancy helmet. If he didn’t love her, he would have given her the helmet on her birthday, but being in love, be [sic - HA! found a typo, Rules!] gave her a necklace and flowers on her birthday and the helmet to celebrate their six month anniversary.

Whoa whoa whoa, The Rules. You just said above that romantic gifts are a MUST for anniversaries. So is the helmet now romantic? I AM SO CONFUSED! HOW DO I PROCEED!?

Also, isn’t this a little... what’s the word I’m looking for?

This is not a rule for gold diggers; it’s just that when a man wants to marry you, he usually gives you jewelry.

Thanks for clearing that up, ladies.

Meg's Alternate Rule:A thoughtful gift is totally romantic. Be gracious and not greedy. And besides, a crappy gift is a crappy gift and you’ll know when you’ve got one, even if he went to Jared. (I’m looking at you, Jane Seymour open hearts collection!)

Rule 13:

Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week

Basically:You can see him once a week for the first month you date, twice or three times a week for the second month you date, three or four times a week for the third month you date. Oh, and until you get engaged? Not more than 5 times a week. Don’t let him bully you into “extra” dates and certainly don’t listen to your own desires about seeing him. That’s not how you get married.

Men must be conditioned to feel that if they want to see you seven days a week they have to marry you. And until that blessed proposal occurs, you must practice saying no to extra dates even though you’re dying to spend more time with him and even though you’ve mentally said to yourself, “This is The One.”

Blessed proposal!

Points of Interest:

Men like sports and games - football, tennis, blackjack, and poker- because they love a challenge. So be a challenge!

...you whore!

Meg's Alternate Rule:While moderation is always key (says the girl sitting next to and eating a large bag of pretzel nuggets), I don’t know that you have to be so strict as to say only once a week for the first month.

Rule 14:

No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date

Basically:Everyone I know flagrantly violates this Rule.

BS Meter:You know what? These girls had me on their side briefly with this quote.

If a man pressures you, then he’s not someone you want to date.

True! Ah, but then...

Keep telling yourself that other women have spoiled men by sleeping with them on the first date, but you’re a Rules girl and you take your time.

Those other women happen to be my friends, bitches. You and your Rules have fun; we’re going to the Big Fat Whores Bar.

Points of Interest:

We know this is not an easy Rule to follow, particularly when you’re out with someone really cute and he’s driving fast in his sports car and kissing you at every red light.

They wrote this book while watching Corey Haim/Corey Feldman movies, didn’t they? RIP, Haim.

Meg's Alternate Rule:Part 1: Do not ever let anyone pressure you into doing something you do not want to do. If you find yourself in a dangerous situation, do anything you can to get out of it. Part 2: Do not ever pressure anyone into doing something they do not want to do. Don’t sexually harass or assault people.

Rule 15:

Don’t Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy

Basically:I am going to throw this book out the window. It is against almost everything I believe as a nascent sex educator and sex-positive feminist. Okay, ready? Obvs, don’t rush the sex (couple of months seems to be the baseline reading, unless you at 18 and a virgin and then they just say wait for a “committed relationship.” Whatever that means.) and try to keep it cool, even if you like sex (which is presented like an anomaly). Don’t ask for what you want in bed (at first, they say, but it reads like EVER), don’t do kinky stuff, don’t get clingy, don’t be a tease (you have to tell him that you’re waiting for 2 months apparently), and ... if you’re more into sex than he is but you don’t want anyone to start feeling insecure never initiate sex until you are married.

BS Meter:The one thing that is not complete BS in here is “wear a condom.” You guys know I’m all for that. Other than that, this chapter is MAKING MY BRAIN LEAK OUT OF MY EARS.

Points of Interest:Where to even start? On talking about your sexual needs with your sexual partner:

You have to trust that if you relax and let him explore your body like unchartered territory you will have fun and be satisfied.

This is how we get the jackhammer! Okay, how about moving on to kinks:

Don’t bring anything - red lightbulbs, scented candles, or X-rated videos- to enhance your sexual experience. If you have to use these things to get him excited, something’s wrong. He should be excited about just sleeping with you.

NO! NOTHING’S WRONG! SO HE LIKES TO WATCH BONDAGE PORN! SO WHAT?! IT’S NOT WEIRDER THAN THESE STUPID RULES!

Meg's Alternate Rule:There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want in bed, as long as you’re able to hear your partner’s needs as well without feeling criticized. It’s important to phrase your requests in a way that doesn’t sound like “your penis is small,” because that’s just kind of rude and dismissive and sex should always be about open communication. Unless, that is, you have a dom-sub relationship where you just get to demand things. In that case, just shout out what you want, Mistress.

tee hee.. Men have to be "conditioned" to want to be with you/marry you. They are like Pavlov's dog's, or those Pavlovian goldfish I used in my 5th grade science project. Oh, and God forbid you are interesting in bed. The same ole, same ole will last you to your 50th wedding anniversary for sure. you know, I'm starting to realize that these are rules for tricking a man into marrying you, but it sets up a disastrous marriage. That seems to be the feeling a lot these days: marriage is a prize, and the work is done. but really, that's when the work begins. no wonder one of these hussies is divorced.