Monday, February 13, 2012

Be My Valentine

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!

See, now the post can only go uphill from here.

Yesterday work tasked me with writing a Valentine’s Day article, stuffed with romantic advice. I told HB and he said, “That’s like having to do a poo in your hand then rub it on your face”. Evidently he’s pretty romantic (and also correct).

I asked two other friends for romantic stories and got these:

“I remember one time Burger King sent me a meal for two voucher… I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, so I just went in there and ate the whole meal by myself.”

“Do what I did that year when I wrote ‘I Love You’ in hair on the wall of the shower.”

So I thought I’d better scour the internet for advice. I found 10 pieces of passable advice for work, and so much crappy Valentine’s advice. Fetch the heart-shaped vomit bucket! Here are the 20 worst suggestions. I couldn’t whittle it down any more (with my heart-shaped whittling stick. Do you whittle with a stick?)

1. “Write love notes on post-its and hide them in places like the closet, stick one on the mirror, in the pocket of the bathrobe and other such other places.”

Designed for couples, but equally good for singles: simply get drunk and do the notes the night before to ensure they are truly surprising the next day.

They made some suggestions:“You light up my life” – on a lightswitch“You make me hot and steamy” – in the shower“You’re dreamy” – on the pillow

I made some suggestions as well:“You turn me on” – on every power button of every appliance in the house, for emphasis“Thanks for not being fridge-id” – on the fridge:You’re clogging my hearteries” – on the full-fat salted butter“Sorry about these corny notes” – on a bag of popcorn or, really, anywhere.

2. “Prepare a DVD with a collection of the most romantic Valentine tracks and gift it to your beloved.”

This is a fantastic idea, but I have improved it even further – why not cut all the most romantic scenes from your Valentine’s favourite movies and splice these together into a two-hour romance-fest?

Then she’s got something to watch while the cricket’s on.

3. “Recreate your first date… act like you did that time and just forget what you are now – in short, travel back to the golden moments.”

Presuming your first date a) went well, b) wasn’t at Burger King and c) was a proper date and not a drunken hookup, this isn’t such a bad idea.

Although the drunken hookup could be quite fun to re-enact, I suppose.

“What are we doing for Valentine’s Day, sweetheart?”“Getting fucked up on Vodka Cruisers and having unprotected sex!”

4. Make Everything Heart Shaped

This pops up on a lot of sites. “Present her a heart-shaped diamond!” “Cover your bed with heart-shaped confetti!” “Cook her a meal made entirely of heart-shaped food!”

For full effect, present a heart-shaped diamond in heart-shaped box, whilst wearing a heart-shaped bow-tie with tiny hearts on it, with your hair styled into a heart shape and Nirvana’s ‘Heart-Shaped Box’ on the stereo.

If you’re really talented, leave a heart-shaped turd floating in the toilet.

5. “Kiss her on her forehead and whisper the three magical words in her ears.”

“Abracadabra! Presto! Alakazam!”

Kind of hard to whisper those, though, on account of their being all magical and exciting. Try not to shout on accident, shouting isn’t very romantic.

6. “Wrap a red ribbon around yourself and gift yourself to your lover on this valentine's day.”

What? This is a terrible gift., your lover already gets you every day. This is like saying, “Tonight, we’re having meatloaf again… with a parsley garnish. Why are your pants still on?”

7. “Scatter rose petals all over the bed, then lead her blindfolded to the bedroom.”

Somehow, despite all odds and good sense, this Valentine’s tradition survives – presumably because nothing says “I love you” like waking up with half a rose bush stuck to your butt.

Also, why blindfolded? So you can lay her gently on the bed and she can go, “AAACKK AHH what’s that weird soft thing? Is my bed COVERED IN BUGS?”

On the plus side, it gives her something to clean up on the Day After Valentines Day.

8. “Sit down with your beloved and make each other's sketch – there will be some funny moments, but mind you they will be worth cherishing.”

This begins as a romantic idea, but quickly degenerates into “I can’t believe you think my nose is that big”.

9. “Would you like your life to be read as a romantic novel? You can get a romantic novel customized with you and your beloved as the hero and heroine… each novel will include personal details.”

Ally spun around, cry of outrage dying on her lips as she surveyed the man standing shirtless before her. His ebony skin gleamed in the sunlight, thickly muscled forearms flexing as he steadied himself against the side of the rocking boat. Lustrous black curls dripped languidly onto his smooth forehead, and a spark of animal lust ignited in his treacle eyes as he insolently raked his gaze over Ally's slight form.

"Oh, HB..." she sighed.

10. “Re-enact one of the all-time great love stories, like Romeo and Juliet.”

THEY BOTH DIE AT THE END THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA

11. “Invite your girlfriend to dinner. Put a ring in her glass of champagne. As she sips the drink, she will be surprised to find the ring. Immediately go down on your knees and propose.”

Actually she will not be surprised to find the ring, because champagne is clear. Red wine would be a better bet for this, or possibly beer (Guiness would be ideal).

But make sure she doesn’t choke! That’s not romantic. For most people.

12. “Pot a plant that will grow and loom for her.”

Quite apart from breaking the living-thing-as-gift taboo, who wants a plant that will “loom for them”? How big of a plant are you giving this poor woman? “HAPPY VALENTINES DAY I LOVE YOU HERE’S A BANANA TREE.”

Have just realised this is probably meant to be 'bloom', but still.

13. “Grant three of her wishes this Valentine’s Day – tell her whatever she demands will be granted. The one who loves you wouldn’t demand much!”

Well, that’s risky.

14. “Go out on a boat.”

Boats are romantic as fuck.

15. “Write her a love poem.”

Poetry is the most romantic thing ever, especially if you can manage to make it rhyme or steal one off a famous poet and hope your Valentine isn’t literary enough to call you out on it*.

If you decide to do your own, the traditional “Roses are red, violets are blue” format works well:

“Roses are red, so is this wine / Drink the whole bottle & say that you’re mine”“Roses are pricey, picnics are gay / I’ve kind of fucked up this Valentine’s Day”“Roses are red, so is my penis / Play your cards right & you might get to see it.”

16. “Make a booklet of romantic vouchers and give it to your Valentine – they can redeem the coupons whenever they like!”

There’s nothing technically wrong with this suggestion, except that it is so barf-inducingly corny that you may never get beyond the first coupon (“Give her a scented massage whenever she likes – even if there’s a game on!”)

17. “Write a cover letter to apply to be his girlfriend/wife”

I love this suggestion, possibly the most out of all the suggestions.

“I am writing to apply for the position of Wife, and also the supplementary positions of Missionary, Doggy Style and Woman On Top (part-time only).”

18. “Send him on a Love Hunt – small or large in scale!”

The idea is that you send your Valentine on a wild-goose-chase around town, to romantic destinations: the spa, the CD store (where his favourite CD is on hold for him), and finally to a nice hotel room. This is actually quite appealing if you were to make the clues cryptic.

Fuck knows where he’ll end up.

19. “Insert candy surprises into balloons before inflating them - add a folded-up Valentine's message then inflate each balloon.”

So in order to find the love messages, your Valentine has to pop each and every balloon (or wait until, a week later, they resemble nothing more than a grandfather’s ballsack (I assume, having never seen one of these)). Grand! Nothing is more romantic than the sound of rapidly popping balloons. Why not go the whole hog and splash out on a piñata?

This could also be combined with the chap who wrote, “"I knew that I had to do something sweet and special... I cut about 100 hearts out of pink, purple, and red paper”.

20. Play Truth or Dare

Because there’s a game that never goes wrong.

*Here’s one I prepared earlier:

When our eyes first met across the room, I felt my heart igniteA tiny spark that lit the dark, an ember warm and bright;And as I came to know you, that tiny ember grew‘Til all my heart was burning, and all my thoughts of you.And as we journey onwards, through every squall and stormThe fire that burns inside of us will always keep us warmAnd if you should ever doubt me, or think our love has died,Just remember that small ember, that flame of love inside.

You are welcome to use it on your beloved. If it gets you laid, you owe me $10. That's how art works.

5 comments:

Also I once wrote a note after a night out. It was my last night in a hostel and I had a "I got nothing better to do crush". I couldn't find him so I broke into his room and left it in his coat pocket.