Monday, December 15, 2008

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL (Acme News Service) – This morning, Satan announced at his weekly strategy briefing here that he is endorsing the effort of Sacramento, California Mayor Kevin Johnson to give himself more power with a self-produced ballot initiative, which Johnson and his backers have proposed to be put forth in a special election to the city’s voters. The cost for the special election is estimated at 1.2 million dollars.

In expressing his support, Satan said: “That Kevin, he really makes me proud. After convincing all of those ignorant hicks in Sacramento to elect him, and after barely keeping the seat warm at his desk for ten days, he’s pushing for power, and after all, power over people is everything I’m about! That’s my boy! A chip off the ol’ block. Truly in the mold of my previous protégés, like (James Michael ) Curley, (Rudy) Giuliani, and (Kwame) Kilpatrick. I am truly impressed with this fellow. If I didn’t know any better, I’d rack my brains wondering if I’d impregnated his mom and forgot about it later.”

Satan went on to point out his personal opinion that in many ways, Johnson’s vision of Sacramento’s future, along with Johnson’s high-level supporters, are very much united with the CEO of Hell in kindred spirit. “Look. All these people want is a great place to party, where only the most greedy, vulgar, egocentric and materialistic pigs are going to be happy. Anyone with even an ounce of integrity would be completely shat upon or run out of town. What’s not for me to like about this strategy? I say, go for it Sacramento! Give KJ strong mayor powers! Nyahahahah!”

Mayor Johnson had no immediate comment on the endorsement, but in a hastily placed conference call to all of the local media outlets, Johnson spokesperson Steve Maviglio stated, “We are delighted that Satan has honored us with endorsing the Mayor’s efforts in this matter. Of course, the usual naysayers may complain that Satan has no business in giving his opinion since he’s not a local resident. We would point out that Mayor Johnson, as he has stated time and time again, wants to make Sacramento a world class destination city, and if that’s a city that Satan ends up wanting to visit frequently, then all the better.”