Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Prancercise

Recently, a friend of mine introduced me to one of the
greatest video clips I have ever seen. The segment stars Florida resident Joanna
Rohrback demonstrating her equine-inspired workout routine christened
“Prancercising”. For five glorious minutes, the woman who could have played
Mrs. Geller's sister on Friends can be seen
galloping down a poorly-maintained walking trail accompanied by what I can only
assume are royalty-free MIDI files she found on the Internet. Donning
ankle-weights and unnecessarily tight pants, she demonstrates four distinct
methods of callisthenic exercise practically guaranteed to draw pity and
ridicule in equal measure.

Unconvinced this wasn’t an elaborate hoax devised in the common
areas of a retirement community; I decided to do some research. It appears that
Joanna developed and even registered the concept in 1989 but never put forth
much effort to market it. All that changed when she finally got around to
publishing her book in December of last year. As part of the marketing strategy
she decided to film a demonstration video and upload it to YouTube. A few
months later the video took off and since she has racked up millions of views
and even been featured on The Today Show.

Prancercise Founder Joann (and her steed

On the official Prancercise website, the technique is
described as “a springy, rhythmic way of moving forward, similar to a horse’s
gait and ideally induced by elation.” Both the webpage and the book cover
feature Joanna moving in perfect synchronicity with a magnificent white horse
that may or may not have been Photoshopped from a perfume magazine ad. Always
one to cover her bases, the picture has the following disclaimer:

Any photos showing her moving along side a horse are not a suggestion
that anyone should try such an act.

Also, since we live in an age where every physical regimen
apparently requires an overarching spiritual theme, she emphasizes that
Prancercise is not simply a way to tone one’s body. Her website declares that
the program is “about self-expression. It’s about Non-violence. It’s about
Conservation.” For a mere $50 per year, you can become a Prancercise member
allowing you to connect with other practitioners in your area and present
yourself as a Prancercise ambassador.

I have to confess that I find the video both mesmerizing and
disturbing. I am fairly certain that she could generate just as much income by
slowing down the video, replacing the soundtrack with Sarah Mclachlan’s “Angel”,
and having a voice-over plead:

This woman, like many of Florida’s elderly residents, needs your help.
For just pennies a day you can help prevent the scourge of Prancercising from
claiming another innocent victim. Isn’t it enough that that these Sunshine
State Seniors are already being subjected to destructive hurricanes, relentless
political courtship, and infrequent visits from guilt-ridden offspring? Please,
give now before the streets are overrun with galloping geezers.

Despite my good-natured chiding, I must applaud Rohrback’s
emphasis on non-violence. I cannot think of a more pertinent message for
someone who voluntarily chooses to gallop in urban areas while announcing that
it is “better to be punching into space than in your face!” I am still somewhat
unclear as to where the conservation aspect comes in but the website does
endorse both the Southern Poverty Law Center and the center for International
Aid for Korean Animals. The website has yet to take a stance on non-Korean animals.

Perhaps my favorite aspect of the program is the $50 fee that
gives you the ability to locate other “prancercisers” in your area code and act
on behalf of the brand. If Joanna is smart she will offer a dating service as
well, because any two people who are willing to shell out 50 bucks for the
privilege of publicly prancing in tandem deserve each other.