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Sunday, January 23, 2011

My dad forwarded this email to me. Thought I would share. A germ-a-phobe, slighlty OCD person like myself can relate OH SO WELL to this :)

Thanks for your e-mails

As we approach the end of another year, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom doorwithout using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel roombecause I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspreadbecause I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking handswith someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt tripbecause I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's pursefor fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savingsbecause I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa'sNovena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFCbecause their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorantseven though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gaswithout taking somone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrapin the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Exsince they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phonebecause someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Quarter dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my carbecause buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardeningbecause I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .. Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.