The Deceitful Tradition

Sources Recommend Parents take extra measures to keep new generation of kids believing in Santa Claus.

It’s getting close to the most wonderful time of the year again. The time of wonderful, joyous sensations—spicy scents of nutmeg, clove and a fresh pine Christmas tree, the warmth of an open fire, kissing beneath some forsaken plant. The bliss of Christmas time is unmatched by any other holiday. However, the most wonderful time of the year would be nothing without the most wonderful crime of the year.

That is, brainwashing Christian children into believing there exists a Finnish drunkard from Lapland who domesticates reindeer and enslaves proletariat members with growth deficiencies in order to send material goods to seemingly pious households across the globe, all while dressed as a Canadian Supreme Court Justice. A recent Pew Poll has reported that parents across the globe are finding it increasingly difficult to continue deceiving their kids into believing in Santa. Other studies agree, showing an increase in the number of Google searches asking, “Does Santa Claus Exist?” by Google accounts of users less than nine years old.

Hiding gifts in the closet and making secret trips to the mall are no longer enough to maintain this seasonal tradition of deceit. Children nowadays are gaining access to the internet at earlier ages. As a result, families all across the nation are seeing drastic losses in faith, both in humanity and in their religion. They are now forced to adopt more advanced methods of hiding gifts and reality.

Many parents are enrolling in online Software Development courses on websites like Coursera. HTML 5 has now become a staple for any parent who wants to pay the owner of a website to temporarily change texts that reveal Santa Claus’ inexistence. Others are storing their gifts in local storage units. Many parenting magazines suggest that parents block Q&A websites, such as Quora, Yahoo! Answers and Stack Exchange.

WebMD suggests that those parents with scientifically inclined children should temporarily hide textbooks that teach them to think critically, so that they do not come to any conclusions about Santa on their own. For example, if every Christian household leaves cookies out for Santa, and Santa takes one bite of each cookie, then he should be either much fatter or constantly excreting. Germanic and Scandinavian folklore do not include anything about a toilet in his sleigh.

Children are beginning to think critically and make their own decisions about what they believe. As a result, nobody can say what dangers lie ahead for parents of seemingly devout children.