Another Brick out of the Wall (Part 1)

What a week! I had a great birthday. Didn’t do a lot on the actual day, just had a few people stay over with a few drinks and everything. Was good, didn’t really plan for much else anyway.

For presents, I mostly got money from my family, in fact the only ‘solid’ presents were from Sarah, and I very much appreciate all of them. The main present was a beautiful white gold necklace which I absolutely love. I have very little jewellery. In fact that necklace is my jewellery collection in its entirety. Everything else I use is ‘borrowed’ from Sarah’s side of the bedroom. But that’s ok as Sarah doesn’t really wear any anyway.

So yes, on the Friday morning, with that necklace stashed safely away in my suitcase (along with at least half of my wardrobe) me and Sarah headed down to London for the weekend. I was feeling confident on the Friday morning and I felt that I was going to be able to go out in public dressed as Ella for the first time.

We got to the hotel without too much hassle and I, at that point, was still feeling ok about it. I started feeling like I was actually going to do this. So, for a dry run, Sarah and I planned to scout around the local area for a nice place to eat. So I chose an outfit that didn’t give too much away, put it on, did my makeup and popped on my wig. After much deliberating and annoying Sarah by saying “Do I look alright?” every ten seconds, I decided I was ready. I looked ok, but I still didn’t know if I was passable or not. Sarah insisted I was, but I remained uncertain. But still I went for it. We stepped outside our hotel room, walked our way down to the lobby and straight through to the street.

And now the tricky part. It was about 7pm or something on a Friday night, and because we were pretty much right in the middle of the financial district, there were a lot of people in business attire who’d clearly gone straight from work to the pub for a few ‘weekend welcoming’ drinks. I was a bag of nerves but I did my best to hide it. We walked straight past these people drinking outside the pub and I got my first reason to celebrate of the day. Nobody shouted any rude comments or stared at me peculiarly, or stabbed me with a fork, nothing like that. Not even stabbed with a fork! I was feeling good!

We headed our way through more busy streets and still nobody really raised an eyebrow. Well there were a few guys that looked at me, but Sarah insisted that they were checking me out, but I’m not so sure. I think I blatantly obviously looked like a guy dressed as a girl, but maybe that’s just because I know that that’s true, and I’m looking for that. I don’t know, but I still obviously wasn’t feeling wholly comfortable with the situation. It wasn’t just the looking female, it’s the whole walking the right way, how you hold your body and also, the voice. Now I’ve never really practiced any of those things, so talk about throwing me in the deep end. I mostly tried to stay silent, much to Sarah’s annoyance. I also decided to carry Sarah’s handbag as well as it seemed to give me a nice barrier to hide behind, also it gave me something to do with my hands.

Luckily I didn’t have to talk to anyone and soon enough we found a nice place to eat. A place called Bertorelli. I always love Italian food and despite the fact Sarah works in an Italian restaurant and avoids eating pasta like the plague, she let me go there. It was probably because of the paranoia induced panic attack I was having. No I’m kidding. I was nowhere near that bad. In fact by that time I was kind of enjoying it. To be honest I think I probably did pass ok to the glancing eye. It was the people supposedly checking me out that scared me. It did at times feel like everyone’s eyes were on me, trying to pick away at my attempts to blend in.

Actually, it was probably not a good idea to wear what I was wearing. It wasn’t exactly “blend-in-erific”. I had decided on a pair of girl jeans, which was fine, and a pair of flat black shoes, which was also fine. What was possibly less fine was the recently purchased multicoloured fitted blouse I was wearing that was a little too small for me, at least around the boobs department, if you get my drift. Basically the yellow t-shirt I wore underneath was necessary so that I didn’t show too much of my assets that I didn’t exactly have. The look was good, but maybe a little too good for the first time out in public when all you really want to do is blend in. Maybe I didn’t, maybe I wanted people to notice me. Maybe. So maybe I like a little attention…

But yes anyway. We made it back to the hotel fine. And pretty much straight away I started getting ready for the meal. I wanted to wear something else I’d bought recently, but Sarah thought a hot pink cocktail dress was a little too much for this place! So I just put on a knee length denim skirt and a stripy t-shirt and apparently that was sufficient.

It was as well, because when we turned up we were literally the best looking people there. We were also the only people there. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. I didn’t want to go to some independent restaurant because I didn’t want them fussing over us all the time, but I didn’t really want to go to a massive chain either because I would hate to have been sat in a room feeling like there’s a thousand and one eyes on me. (That’s five hundred people and a pirate).

But no, this place was empty. I mean completely. There was a waitress and a cook, and us two. That was pretty much it. I think I saw a moth at one point, but I could have been imagining it up for effect. You know what though, the food was fantastic. We didn’t have pasta at all, Sarah made me try veal for the first time. And to be honest I liked it. It was breaded though, and pretty much anything breaded tastes alright. But yes, we really really enjoyed the meal. Either they believed I was a girl, or they knew and they were being very polite with me. I can honestly say it was a fantastic meal though. It was a little expensive but it would be if you get starters and a bottle of wine too. I was very happy with it and would recommend it to anyone that’s doing the same kind of thing as I was that weekend. The only reason it was so quiet is because it is right smack in the middle of the financial sector and it was still a little early. The food was fantastic. Sarah agreed, and she knows these things, seriously go there. Go. Now.

So that was a great day. I had been hugely successful with being out as Ella in public for the first time and apparently not getting outed, and I had a great birthday meal with my girlfriend. It was a great start of the weekend until…. (dun, dun, derrrrr….) *

Now I am getting tired so I’m going to have to split this weekend entry up into a couple. I’ll hopefully be able to get on and finish my story in the next few days. I am slowly breaking down this masculine wall that I’ve hidden behind for years. Just wish I had a goddamn bulldozer!

14 Responses to “Another Brick out of the Wall (Part 1)”

So far, so smiley 😉
Well done you! I can’t imagine anything so wildly intimidating. I know it shouldn’t matter what strangers may think but in reality, we tend to worry more about what strangers think of us than what our friends do. I think this is your biggest move and I’m delighted to hear it went well. I hope it continues well past the cliffhanger.
Be well

so glad that you had a good birthday ella, the good thing about receiving money for your birthday, is that you can buy things you want, and also now that you’ve been out in the open as ella, it’ll get easier from now on, and hopefully speed up your transition as well

hey bbz congrats on your first outing . your bbygrl looked after you and thats a credit to her . like you am pretty much in the closet but i had my first outing last year wuith a grlfriend and like u i had the do i or dont i pass kinda paranoia but thats natural its just the nerves.keep up the good work being who you are and thats you.hugs to ya both xx becci xx nice pix btw especially the schoolgrl 1s xx

I remember the first time I went out (and it wasn’t Halloween). I was terrified and sure someone would say something. Like you, it went fine. A bit akward when the guys stare… or grab you butt! But you know what I got as a response from my girlfriends… “Get used to it” LOL.

Just remember, someone will notice something eventually, and there will be a jerk at some point… You can’t worry about it, then you will never leave the house! just keep smiling and remember that you know who you are and you never need to justify, explain, or prove that to anyone.

So, i know you think you look like a boy dressed as a girl; i know that feeling. Physically i am way more masculine than i would like to be. But, that isn’t what i see in your pictures. i see this beautiful girl with just this tiny boy bit that only peeks out when you are unsure of yourself. The closeup picture with the short hair and almost no makeup (you said one of the first without wig) you look like a girl i was in love with in grade school.
good luck to you Ella, you are a beautiful girl!!

I am an old diagnosed transsexual who never fulfilled my calling because of the pressures of family and friends. I tried to live the life of a man and in the process I destroyed 4 marriages. I have lived the life of a woman too and I felt fantastic. There is more help now than when I was your age. Don’t deny your feelings or you will live the rest of your life in emotional hell. I wish you luck.