Researchers close to discovering ‘miracle’ new life-destroying opiate

Researchers close to discovering ‘miracle’ new life-destroying opiate

A team of researchers led by the legendary hostile Dr. AH. Troubadour say they are close to uncovering a molecule rumored to exist in just two instances: the earliest moments after the explosive ignition of the known Universe, and the human brain at the peak of a heroin high.

INSTANT DEATH

“This new pill will totally fuck your life up,” Dr. Troubadour

Troubadour and his team are marketing the enhanced synthetic opioid booster caplet under the inappropriate and not properly discussed generic name INSTANT DEATH. Experts say it feels like the ethereal quest into DMT, and horse.

‘INSTANT DEATH is so good, you die before it hits you.” – Coroner’s report

Chief Medical Researcher Dr. Angstrom Troubadour says he is confident he and his team currently have a guy high on heroin in the other room, ready for surgery. Troubadour said they plan to forego the waiver process and move forward with the extraction: Troubadour, wearing sandals with socks, will capture the theoretical, ephemeral molecule from his subject’s brain at the precise moment it springs into existence and passes before the mind’s eye.

“Doing this takes great care,” Troubadour said. “You got to catch him on the nod. My men are ready to go in there and snatch it out, so we can reverse engineer it and put it in all the rest of you!”

The price of INSYS stocks tripled after the news, despite the recent arrest of their founder, John Kapoor, and lifelong friend to Raleigh T. Sakers. As such, INSYS is owned and operated under the protective legal umbrella of Lebal Drocer, Inc. He’s ours, now!

6 Replies to “Researchers close to discovering ‘miracle’ new life-destroying opiate”

Fake news about fake opiate crisis, this shit peaked in the US back in 2012. Now everyone is dying from heroin **cough, cough Afghanistan and fentanyl mix w/ a tiny bit of H.
Glad to see you didnt get Allah Akbarred and mowed down by being green and shit.