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MY H had an affair beginning late 2005 and finally left our home and family two years ago. Initially it was very tense between us all and there was very limited contact between him and the children. He was very aggressive, demanding and selfish-definitely MLC. We have been through various stages-explosive outbursts, no contact and then even some positive conversations along the way. He does not want a divorce (although he has threatened this in anger at times)as he is never remarrying. He is equally adamant that he doesn't want our relationship. He is still with ow although does not live with her.

I have seen tiny glimpses of the man I married and I have hung on tightly to those images. I have worked hard to be a friend to him without having discussions or expectations of a future. I have focussed on words of affirmation after him saying that he was never good enough for me.

In recent months there has been further movement and he has been making considerable effort to reconnect with our children and now his parents. He will call me although it is usually related to the children or business. He is usually happy to help out when I ask and is inclined to call in when he drops the children back although these visits are usually fairly brief-10 mins or so.

I could type pages but I don't want this to be too daunting or boring for you! I am keen to get a point of view here.........Do I keep on doing what I have been doing (as obviously I have had some success, albeit very, very slow success) and remain incredibly patient or do I recognise that he is enjoying a friendship with me on his terms and just move away?

I think it depends on how long you think you can handle it. It's already been an incredibly long time, and it's moved at a snail's pace.

I personally think that as long as he gets his physical and some of his emotional needs met by OW, and the rest of his emotional needs met by you, that he'll NEVER have to make a decision. All of our nuances and complexities aside, us humans really ARE "path-of-least-resistance" creatures, and rarely do we do anything until we're forced to.

What are the financial arrangements?

Puppy

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"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen

Hmmm. So Puppy are you suggesting that I should tell him that I cannot continue in this manner with the hope that he eventually realises that he really belongs here with us? I guess my only fear is that it has taken all this time to develop a 'friendship' and my moving aside could close down all possibilities if he feels I am pressuring him. Does that make sense?

I'd love to hear the perspective of others who have persisted with an MLCer. I get so tired of always being the one who patiently waits and reaches out. However, that being said there has been a definite shift recently. In the meantime I am still getting on with life, hardly sitting by and waiting for his call!

So Puppy are you suggesting that I should tell him that I cannot continue in this manner with the hope that he eventually realises that he really belongs here with us?

I think that's best decided by you. Can you continue in this manner in the hopes that he may eventually realize at sometime that he belongs with you? I've been going through this for about 1.5 years I have to say no when I ask myself that question, but everybody reaches that decision point at different times.

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I guess my only fear is that it has taken all this time to develop a 'friendship' and my moving aside could close down all possibilities if he feels I am pressuring him. Does that make sense?

Totally. I used to base most, maybe all my decisions out of fear. I think that's probably the worst reason/way to make decisions. I think you should try to make that decision and not focus on what may or may not happen, but on what you need to do that is best for you and your family.

I guess we have made the most significant progress in the last months and we are at the stage of being able to rely on each other for support. He has just started to call me and there has been a definite shift and that is why I have some reluctance to draw the line in the sand I guess. On the flip side, however, I don't want to be a friend for the rest of my days! I want a husband.