"Thankyou for calling the Consulate General of (insert any country whatsoever) in (insert any city whatsoever). If you would like meaningless information, dial numbers 1 through 9. If you would like us to pretend there is an operator to take your call, press 0."

*0*

"Sorry, all our operators don't actually exist. In fact, even if you called during the 3 out of every 24 hours we are open, Monday to Friday, we will not answer your call. Ever. In sheer desperation, you may blindly send your documents halfway around the world. Of course, as you have not consulted with us, you are oblivious to Stupid Regulation 67 Section B and we cannot process your application. We hope your slim window of opportunity to get a visa has expired and you are now fucked."

It's Mark from your beloved Melbourne. Sorry I'm late, but Happy Australia Day! We had a beer or two for you in you icy absence. I haven't read everyone's comments, so this may be old news, but my Dad died on the 24th. He was in hospital less than 48 hours, so at least it wasn't a long drawn out struggle. The funeral was yesterday (29th). It was a nice service, a couple of Dad's mates said a few words about his past that raised an eyebrow or two! There's not too much else to report from C-Town except that you are missing a great summer! It's my birthday next week (29 *shudder*), so I guess I'll have another drink on your behalf! I'm sorry to hear about your visa woes, but if it's any consolation, if you get stuck in Wintereg, your excuse that it's small 'cause it's cold won't seem so lame!

Ah mate, I'm sorry to hear that. He was a good bloke and from what I saw he kept in good spirits even when things were bad with your Mum and then with himself. I can't say I'm surprised his mates said he had some secret adventures; I always saw hints of something cheeky just under the surface.

I've finally found a good Canuck beer, which I had sampled years ago in Melbourne: the old Moosehead. I'll be sure to have a couple on your birthday.

You found Moosehead?!? I've tried so many times to find it in Australia (I had it a few times a good few years ago), but apparently they've stopped exporting it. I always thought it was really nice ... I even have an empty in my (recently decimated) bottle collection, as well as a shirt lying around somewhere. Hopefully it'll be available in NYC!

And yeah, I'm sorry to hear about Mark's dad. No matter when it happens, it's untimely. If you're reading, Mark, have a great birthday.