Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Think it was an odd year? In 2009, baseball saw 8 players hit for the cycle, three steals of home, a no-hitter, a perfect game, and an unassisted triple play. Perhaps the most mathematically improbable feat of all: Mark McGwire is back in baseball.

•The defending champion Lakers opened their season in "we played the Clippers" form, getting outshot and outrebounded but still winning. Kobe takes the early league lead in shots taken, a lead he is sure to never relinquish.

•Shaq had 10 and 10, for literally the most ineffectual double-double possible, as the Cavs fell to Boston on opening night. Rasheed Wallace didn't earn a technical, and Kevin Garnett's knee didn't explode, so all in all a good night for them.

•Speaking of the Celtics, Glen Davis will be out a couple months after breaking his thumb in a fight with a childhood friend. He'll be suspended, forfeiting a good chunk of his $3,000,000 salary. Hell, for less than half of what he stands to miss, I'll be his friend and not break his finger.

•Jimmy Rollins went on Leno and predicted Phillies in five. It was easily the funniest thing said on Leno's show since it premiered.