Friday Fun Stuff – 9-21-12

How To Get Rid Of Mormons

Like A Boss (Uncensored Version)

Top 10 Signs You Should Get A Divorce

10. For Valentine’s Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, “If you need me, I’ll be at Hooters.”
9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.
8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the “Controlling Bitch” section is.
7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she’s hired to kill you.
6. You still haven’t forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.
5. She brings a date to couples counseling.
4. You just married Liza Minnelli.
3. He won’t shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.
2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.
1. Her pet nickname for you — “Numb-nuts.”

3rd “Nile” Computer Virus

The 3rd “Nile” virus is coming. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to mainly target those who were born prior to 1950….

Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND”. (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.” (OH HECK, NOW WHAT?)

IT IS ALSO CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”Hmmm….. Have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into his own hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

More Employee Evaluations

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
“One neuron short of a synapse.”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
“Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Proof That Jesus Was…

Proof that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father’s business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

Proof that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

Proof that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

Proof that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

Proof that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all – proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

New Medications for Women

St. Mom’s Wort
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it’s just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is you’re only thought

LOVE when you’re interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you’re only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you’re not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you’re interested in is your golf score

Questions & Answers

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: Why couldn’t they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
A: Because he overdosed on Viagra!

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.