Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syllepsis#Syllepsis

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit… Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?” The prostitute said, “if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

Sex Research:

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

My neighbor banged on my door at 2:30 a.m. this morning; can you believe that … 2:30 AM?
Lucky for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she ever laid her hands on.
I said, “You’re pulling my leg.”
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!!
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until the Doc stuck his index finger up my ass!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite –
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and bomber jacket wasn’t what they had in mind.
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My wife has been missing a week now. The police said I should prepare for the worst.
So, I moved.
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A wife says to her husband “I’m tired of you always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”
He relied; “What do you expect? You’re in a goddamn wheelchair!”
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said “Son, thrown out again? That’s 3 schools this year!
You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
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I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
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Survey Question asked at a Mall:
Are there too many immigrants in America ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said “me no speaka engleeese senor.”.
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
Yup, I converted to Islam; we’ll be stoning her in the morning!
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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well… she’s not exactly my girlfriend ….. yet.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pervert, pedophile!”and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. I mean Jeez,
It completely spoiled our 10th Anniversary.
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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend …
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy and Sensible.
Or in other words ……….. B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ‘I need to get up and get a Coke.’

‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good. I’d really like one too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, ‘Why does it have to be this way?’

‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?’

After all the background checks,
interviews And testing were done, there were 3
finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the
final test, the FBI agents took one of The
men to a large metal door and handed Him a
gun.

‘We must know that you will follow
your Instructions no matter what the
circumstances.

Inside the room you will
find your

wife sitting

In a chair
…. Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t
be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.’

The agent
said, ‘Then you’re not the right man For this job. Take your wife and
go home.’

The second man was given the same
instructions. He took the gun and went into the
room. All was Quiet for

about
5

minutes.

The man came out with
tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, But I can’t kill my
wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t Have what it
takes. Take your wife and go
home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s
turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill
her husband. She took the Gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one After
another. They heard screaming,
crashing, Banging on the walls.. After a few
minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her
brow.

‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she
said. ‘I had to kill him with the chair!

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, “I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”

The General said, “Well, anything I can do to help?”

The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is… Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek.”

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, “That’s because it takes place in the future…”