Thursday, December 07, 2006

From the Mix Tape Master

Sick of Meby Ani Difranco

how sick of memust you beby nowwhile you're standing just outsideof what your pride will allowalways reaching into yourselfto find a new way to understand mewhen i'm sure that there's no one elsein the worldwho could withstand me

the first person in your lifeto ever really matteris saying the last thingthat you want to hearand you are listening hardthrough the splintering shardsof your life as it shattersand you're standing firmand you're staying closeand you're seeing clear

i took to the stagewith my outragein the bad old dayswhen you were the make-me-mad guybut the songsthey come out more slowlynow that i am the bad guyand i say, i'm sorry i'm so crazyI am astounded by your patienceand you say, believe it or not, babythe joy you bring mestill outweighs it

the first person in your lifeto ever really matteris saying the last thingthat you want to hearand you are listening hardthrough the splintering shardsof your life as it shattersand you're standing firmand you're staying closeand you're seeing clear

Past, Present, Future

I wrote this way back on February 21st of this year but I never showed it to anyone. My feelings were not particularly a big priority last winter. Finding it in my list of draft posts made me realize that I've been alone for a lot longer than just the past three months.

Past, Present, FutureI live in the presentYou dwell in the past, and worry about the future.We are a full spectrum representation of time.

If I bleed, will you wake up and be "here"here as in the present, in the now, in the know.

You speak in "me" "my" "mine",I speak in "us" "our" "ours".

Self-absorption mixed with self-helpMakes it easy to ignore the little things.I can't ignore the little things.I excel in little things.

I put on a nice shirt, curl my hair, and brush on a bit of blush.I didn't do it for a reaction...I did it for youBut a reaction was impliedAnd it was your reaction that I was denied.

I know you see this face every morning,But it is that commonplaceThat you don't see whatever you saw in me in the first place?

Only In the Past

by the Be Good Tanyas

run away to the seashoreit doesn't matter anymoreit doesn't matter anymorewords dry up and fly awaywith the passing of the dayseventually you just let the stone fall

i dreamed that i saw you you were down at the corner storeyou were looking thru magazines and you flew out the doori was trying to wave to you but you wouldn't wave backnow you know i understand you're with me only in the pastonly in the past

my palms are not open they're closed they're closedmy palms are not open they're closed they're closed

colours streak the skywe laugh and we cryand we dance in the cool grasswith the fireflieswe dance in the cool grasssunset birdssweet sweet musicswallow our wordsyou set sail and you left this townrun away run away you're so far from me nowso far from me now

run away to the seashore it doesn't matter anymore itdoesn't matter anymore

I dreamed that I saw you you were down at the corner storeYou were looking through magazines and you flew out the doorI was trying to wave to you but you wouldn't wave backNow you know I understand you're with me only in the pastOnly in the past

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Oh Christmas Tree

I picked up my little friend today from her school and gave her a ride to her babysitter. She gave me an update about her life.

She asked me if I had a Christmas tree yet, and I told her not yet. She mentioned how in art class they made decorations for the Christmas tree at her school. And then she told me about how she decorated the Christmas tree with her mom the night before and watered it. And she asked if I remembered the wooden decorations from last year that kept breaking because the glue was old. I told her yes, I remember quite fondly decorating the Christmas last year with her and her mother. My car smelled like pine for quite a while after transporting the tree. We cut up snowflakes and taped them all over a bunch of window panes. Casey (aka Fat Cat) broke a couple bulbs when she with her massive girth would attempt to drink water out of the tree holder.

I held back my tears until after I dropped her off. I felt like my heart was turning itself inside out.

Going to work was the last thing I wanted to do today yet it was the only I had to do.

It was wished upon me before I left my girls that I "find peace" with my "decision" to leave. I haven't found it yet. I haven't found much of anything yet...I feel like the only thing I have found out about myself is that I am lost, and being lost is a very lonely place to be.