…you can’t walk the next day. (Warning- this post is for adult eyes only!)

M and I had made plans to see each other on Wednesday for an early celebration of our favorite holiday, Cinco de Mayo, and also to see each other before he leaves for the next nine to ten months. We hadn’t seen each other since right after I was in the hospital and since we wouldn’t be seeing each other for the rest of the year, I knew it would be an afternoon of mixed emotions. I was feeling sad on my way there because I knew I wouldn’t see him for a while. When I saw him he had a huge smile on his face. We settled in a booth in the back, ordered our usual of margaritas and the combo fajita plate, and talked. We talked mostly about his work and then it switched to us. He told me how much he appreciates me and our friendship. He thanked me for being so understanding of his crazy schedule and always being so good to him. When he said that I thought he was going to tell me he didn’t want to see me anymore. So I told him of course I understand we have known each other for six years and if at any point I didn’t like it anymore I could have walked away. I told him he has been a good friend too because he has seen me through some highs and lows and always listens to me when I need it. Then he told me that he thinks about me all the time. He also told me he didn’t take the job where he would be gone for the rest of the year. Instead he took one where he would only be gone for a few months and would be coming back and forth. I was one happy girl.

Then I told him I have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey. He said he has heard of it but wanted to know what it is about. I told him the story and about the relationship the two main characters have. His eyes lit up a bit. Then he started talking about different things he wants to experience with me. While we were waiting for the check he grabbed my arms and started putting his hands under the sleeves of my sweater and rubbing my arms. He was getting antsy to leave. After what seemed like forever we got our check, paid and left.

We walked next door to the hotel that has become so familiar to us. When we walked in the room, it was nothing like it had been before. He grabbed me, pulled me close and started kissing me. He wouldn’t let me go. He apologized for being so aggressive and I told him he doesn’t have to apologize I like it. He said he is obsessed with me, in a good way of course. After what seemed like 10 minutes of making out, he let me escape to the bathroom for a minute while he poured us shots of tequila. I came out in nothing but my sweater, lacy boy short and heels. He liked what he saw, got undressed and pulled me into bed. He continued kissing me and eventually everything but my heels were off. He pulled me on top of him and made sure I enjoyed every minute. He told me this has been building up for years. It is always good with him but something inside of him lit up because the sex was even more intense than ever. It was the best five hours ever (this of course includes our lunch and the nap we took).

Then it was time for him to leave, I gave him a hug and kiss and he was off until the next time. I went home with a smile on my face, replaying the afternoon in my head.

Thursday morning I woke up sore from the neck down and I think I pulled a muscle. Oh yes it was that good.

Last week RC got into an argument or more I got upset with him. I saw that he was going to be performing locally so I asked him if I could get a ride home after. He said sure and might be able to get me into the gig for free and then asked if after we could hook up. We have had the discussion before about why this isn’t a good idea. I have told him before that I don’t want casual sex anymore with anyone. (I of course don’t tell him about M because he doesn’t need to know about that.) I have told him before that I want to find someone to have a relationship with and won’t be able to if I am sleeping around with people. He then tells me that we were so good together and we both have needs.

Well of course we both have needs and it is tough for me too. (And for as little I see M, trust me it is very tough for me.) He keeps trying to push the issue and in his words, “You suck”. I ask him again why he can’t understand where I am coming from and why do we keep having the same discussion. He tries to compliment me by telling me how much he enjoyed sex with me. I told him I enjoyed it too but I just can’t anymore because that is all you want, you don’t want a relationship with me.

He then said he doesn’t know why he keeps asking. My guess is he is hoping my answer will be different.

Then when I asked him if he still wanted to do lunch or something before he leaves again, he said he is trying to save money. I told him I could pay for myself but no response. Now he is gone for seven weeks. I probably won’t ever see him again because it seems every time I suggest we hang out, he wants sex and I tell him no. Then he gets upset and doesn’t want to do anything. I told him to find a girl who wants something casual.

I get that he has needs, I have them to, but don’t judge me because I want something more than ‘just casual’.

JS and I never did meet for coffee because he ended up being busier at work than he thought he would, so we made plans for the following night.

The plan was for him to pick up food then come to my house and we would watch a movie. This would be our first night in since we had the “no more benefits” talk. I was a little nervous as how things would go. Would it be awkward? Would there big a weird hug when he came over? How late would he stay? Would there be an accidental touch?

He let me know when he got to my place and that he was in the building. I asked him if he remembered where my unit was because I was having a moment of writing inspiration. Soon there was a knock at my door and a jiggling of the door handle. I had forgotten to unlock the door. I let him in and said, “Sorry inspiration struck. And I figured you would understand”. And of course he did. As I finished writing what was trapped in my brain he was looking at some flyers I had picked up for him at a recent book fair I was at. When I was done I walked over to him and there was no hello hug like we used to when he would come over. Instead he started taking the food out of the bag and adding alcohol into our shakes.

We sat on the couch, ate and talked. Again the conversation was easy and he was sharing more about himself. We were busy catching up on things and occasionally looking to the tv to watch the promos for new movies coming out. As we watched them we discussed which ones looked better.

I put in a DVD and we sat on the couch just watching and laughing. I made sure I didn’t get to close to him. Not that I didn’t want to because again he looked really good. I did grab a blanket at one point and shared it with him. We still didn’t get too close.

After the DVD was over he got up, went to the bathroom and said he should go. I looked at my phone and it had only been a few hours but honestly I was tired and had to be up early the next day. I walked him out to his car and asked him what he meant by that message he had sent me a week earlier. (“I still find you just as attractive as always, just doesn’t feel right any longer to go for it. If you know what I mean, if not we can talk about it next week”.). His response, “You were being awkward”. I told him I wasn’t trying to be but he stuck to his response.

When we got to his car, we hugged an extra big hug again. I told him to let me know when he got home. He did and we sent messages back and forth for a bit more.

The first night in since the “talk” wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be, though there were a couple of moments as we were sitting on the couch.

Even though it was a good night, there are still a million different thoughts running through my head as to why things have changed. All of which continue to confuse me.

I was talking to my dad on Christmas and he asked about the guy and how he is doing. I said he is fine and spending the day celebrating with his friends. My dad thought it was weird that he hadn’t asked me to join him and his friends. He also said that it seems that this guy might not think I am good enough to meet his friends.

But when I talked to one of my really good guy friends he said, “sounds like he might have commitment issues and you need to take things very, very slow with him”. This could be very true because when the man and I briefly talked about past relationships he said that he has only had short term relationships and one girl even lost interest. It is possible this could be issue? One of my clients is a relationship coach and she told me to say to him, “When you are ready and feel the time is right, I would like to meet your friends” and then see what his reaction is or what he says and then just leave it at that.

Also it is the holidays and spending the holidays with someone you are dating is a big step and he might be ready for that quite yet. I did ask him what he is doing for new years and he said he didn’t know and no one has brought it up.

He did thank me for the birthday wishes I sent him and wished me a Merry Christmas.

I know my dad is just worried about me. I think with this guy I just have to let things progress naturally and I like taking things slow and he might have to take things a lil slower.

Thanksgiving is on Thursday and everyone takes time to give thanks for the things in their life. For me it has been a year of rediscovering who I am and what I want to do. It has been a really tough year. Being self-employed isn’t always as glamorous as it sounds. Yes it is great to be able to make your schedule. This benefit has allowed me to see M a lot more than last year. It has allowed me to go to a lot of networking events that before I was not able to and because of that I have made new friends. I have had clients who are still clients today and also had clients where we worked together and for various reasons we parted ways.

The down side to being self-employed is that you don’t make enough money. You can have a number of clients but sometimes they don’t pay on time or they are having a slow time in their business so they can’t pay you. It has caused me stress and moments when I would call mom crying hysterically. Early this fall I even contemplated moving back to the Midwest, to move back in with my parents and save money.

I am happy that I didn’t move back to the Midwest because right before I went back there to visit, I met a nice guy who is nice, respectful, goofy, geeky like me, a writer and really cute. After I got back from my trip I got offered a part time job in the leasing office of my building. I have been there a few weeks and well the commute is great.

I think if I would have moved back, I would have missed out on some amazing things and a great person. I also wouldn’t have realized that I really want to get my writing consulting business going again because I LOVE helping other writers.

I am thankful for my supportive family and friends, new beginnings, and rediscovering what I really want.

Even though at times I feel like I am sinking at times, I am still swimming

This past weekend, I decided to start cleaning. And I don’t mean just cleaning around the house, I mean doing some summer cleaning, going through all of those papers I thought I need to keep. I found notebooks with book ideas, notebooks with nothing in them, random electrical cords and my wedding album. It is more than just our wedding, it is the pictures of me and the ex on date night, holidays, fun with friends, and the wedding of one of our friends. It brought back memories and feelings. Feelings of happiness and excitement. Pictures of our date night were times at Universal Citywalk, our friend’s comedy night, a night at Magic Mountain with friends and sometimes just hanging at home. Yes we did take pictures of us at home, mostly because we would act goofy, sometimes him more than me. (One of the things I loved about him)

I will admit it did bring back those feelings, the strong feelings I had for him. It reminded me of the nights we used to just sit up all night and talk. It reminded me of the nights we had dinner together when neither one of us was working. It also reminded me that I can be that happy in a relationship and even though it is taking time to find that person, I know he somewhere out there.

Now I pack that album away in a place where I don’t have to see it. Yes I will still keep it because I like having pictures of memories and good times in my life. These pictures will just be packed away.

Oh and I also found a sassy picture of myself that made me think I need to change my hair color again.

Tonight I was watching CSI:Miami and at the end they were playing one of my favorite songs (those who know me know I have lots of favorite songs), “Give Me Strength” by Snow Patrol.

This song got me thinking about the things that I have been through and the strength and support I have gotten from my friends and family. It has helped me through so many tough times. It helped me when I lost my grandparents and aunts. It helped me when my mom has been in the hospital. It helped me when I moved out to California. It helped me when I got divorced. It helped me through every breakup. And today it helps me when I am having those down days about my business and life in general. Sometimes it is hard living so far from home but my family and friends back home always support me.

One person in California that has seen me through my ups and downs since my divorce is M. He first met me 4 months after my ex-husband left. M saw me at my darkest time when I was still living in the apartment my ex and I shared. When I moved in with a roommate the first thing he said to me was, “Wow this place is so much better for you. You look so happy.” And he was right. He came to see me after I fell at work and my knee was the size of a softball. He has seen me when I was upset about my full-time job at the time. He has seen me when my mom was rushed to the hospital. He has seen me start a business. He always asks how things are going in my life and what is new and exciting and not just to make small talk, he does it because he cares. I have been there for him too when things in his life are up and down. When I see his work on the screen I get excited. I have been understanding that I can’t see him all the time because his job keeps him busy and he truly appreciates that. I always ask about his family and let him vent when he needs to. I give him a hug when he needs it and always flash my smile for him.

And when we say goodbye to each other until the next time, he says “Be good, do good things” and I know he means it.

Here is a song about strength tapped at an amazing venue, Royal Albert Hall

A friend and I went to see the RC (the now former crush’s new nickname). Based on the advice a lot of my guy friend gave me and because I agreed with them, I took a friend with me because it wouldn’t be as nerve-wracking as going alone. My friend and I got there a little early because we both wanted to have dinner and they had food. Another friend of mine was performing too and she got there before RC and came and said Hi to us. I will admit I was nervous because RC and I hadn’t even talked since I told him that I wanted something more. Then he walked in, looked around, saw me and came over and gave me a big hug. And yes the hug felt good and actually made me feel better. It calmed me down and I was able to enjoy the night. RC and talked about what we had done for the holiday and what was going on in our lives. We also were ripping on each other a bit, so kept things lite and humorous. Then he went up to perform and was great. After he was done, he asked me how he did and said he would walk me and my friend out. He waited for us to pay our bill and walked us out.

Once we got to my car he gave me a hug and said he would be gone for the next three weeks. We said goodnight and as I was driving home I texted him to tell him the show was good. He texted back, “Thanks and tell your friend I really appreciate her coming too.” I didn’t think too much into that comment until the next day. My friend told me that he sent her a private message on a certain social media site thanking her again for coming out and telling her she is really cute. When she told me I just felt my stomach drop once again. It did sting a little bit. She did say she wasn’t going to message him back and that he really isn’t her type which I sort of already knew. I told her I appreciate her telling me and that it is a sign of a true friend.

I could have called him on it but decided not to. I mean honestly he must think that women don’t talk or that my friend might be one of those girls that would not tell me and he could completely get way with it. Or like my mom said after I told her, he did that because he knew it would get back to me and is testing me to see if I can truly handle just being friends with him, which I think I am doing just fine. That night him and I were emailing back and forth about his show and well something he posted on his page about not having game and that he was surprised that he got me to like him. And I told him I am sure he has game and that I enjoy spending time with him and getting to know him.

Another friend of mine I talked to about this asked what I would do if somewhere down the road he changed his mind about wanting something more with me. When she first asked me I wasn’t sure. But the more I talked to her I thought I might be open to it. Would it be easy? No. But like my friend said sometimes it isn’t. She and her husband broke up once a year after dating and now they are happy.

I know the saying is, “Objects in mirror are closer then they appear”, but for sometimes when we look into a mirror what we think is there, really isn’t. This can happen in life and in relationships. This really became true for me very recently. Things were looking good with the crush, when he was gone for work, he would send me a quick message either saying he missed me or couldn’t wait to see me. He also told me he didn’t want me to think that all he wanted was just “fun”. I took this as a good sign. And after talking to a few guy friends (who told me that I need to let him know what I want and just let the chips fall and be ready for what he says), I decided to tell the crush that I want something more then just something casual. After I made that decision it was a couple of weeks before I told him, mostly because we were both busy with work.

Yesterday afternoon I got the chance to tell him. I told him in person that I really like him (which I have already told him), and he said he likes me too. Even though we had spent some time together, I picked the moment right before he had to leave for work to tell him. After we said goodbye and I got in the car, I texted him to tell him that even though we are both busy I want something more than just casual. I didn’t get a response and knew it was because he was heading to work on concentrating on that. I called a friend of mine to tell her what happened. Her and I chatted for a bit then later on in the evening I called her again. I was feeling bad that I had told him this when he was worrying about work and asked her if I should text him to tell him that. She said yes and I told him that and also that I would like to talk to him more about it when we had more time and also asked him about work. Since he was done working he responded within minutes telling me that work was good and that we are both just so busy that we wouldn’t be able to put as much into something more. He also said he hope we can still be friends and not have anything weird between us. I let him know I completely understand and I don’t want anything weird between us either.

Do I think he sent me some mixed signals? Honestly… yes. Does it suck a little? Yes. And honestly I don’t want things to be weird between us and I want to stay friends. Because honestly, I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all.

My trips back to the Midwest are always eventful and I guess that is why I look forward to them. It gives me time to relax and recharge. I also get to hang out with family and friends. And when I am with the friends, it is always exciting. This trip was no different.

After I said bye to M for the summer, it was time for me to head to the airport. Once I got there I headed to the Sports Bar by my gate. I have always passed by it but never stopped, mostly because I fly so late it was never open. This time I stopped and the bartender there was very friendly and could make a good drink, so naturally I had two. Then once I got on the plane, I had a couple more. Of course I didn’t sleep as much as I had planned but I had a great time talking with new friends I had met. Once I got back I was able to go with my mom and brother to pick my nephew up from school. He was very excited to see me.

Since the crush was still gone and I just left we were emailing and texting each other. It was nice to have someone miss me and to be honest I missed him too.

The next few days were filled with wedding things (a good friend of mine was getting married and I was her personal attendant which was an honor.) The whole wedding weekend was amazing as I was able to catch up with old friend and meet new friends. And since my friends and I really know how to party, it was fun and exhausting, due to lack of sleep and well alcohol consumption. (See below for my drink count of my trip. I only drink that way when I am back home.) The rest of my trip was filled with hanging with the family. Oh and I saw twelve deer in a two mile radius not far from my parents house. Yes they moved to the backwoods where that is not an unusual site.

Then completely joking, I asked the crush to pick me up from the airport. I knew we were both excited to see each other so I thought why not. He then told me to send him my flight info. I still didn’t believe he was going to pick me up but that morning he texted me, “Excited to see you.” It threw me just like the “I miss you” message he sent me a week earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I loved hearing it, it was just he had never said anything like that before. It was very nice.

After a very long and scary plane ride, the turbulence was so bad there were people screaming, I was finally able to see the crush after not seeing him in almost 2 months. He still looked good. He dropped me off at home and we set up a time for the next night to go out. And it was a great night.

Since then there have been a couple of other things that have happened that are making me think more and more that something more is going to happen. I will keep you posted.

This video mostly because my friends and I danced to it at the wedding and I love this song so much.

Drink Count for trip

Tuesday- 2 Margaritas, 1 shot of Tequila (With M), 4 Bacardi and Diet (At the airport and on the plane)
Wednesday – None
Thursday- 2 $3 Margaritas (With the Bride to Be)
Friday- 1 Bad Martini, a few Vodka Cranberry, a couple of shots and 1 Beer (with the Bride to Be and the Bridal Party)
Saturday (The Wedding) – Multiple Vodka Cranberries, and lots of shots
Sunday – None unless you count the fact I was drinking after Midnight
Monday – 3 Vodka Cranberry, 1 Bacardi and Diet (Hanging with Dad)
Tuesday – 1 Patron Pomegrante Margarita (Out to Dinner with the fam before the lil brother and I went to see Iron Man 2)
Wednesday – 2 Tall Bacardi and Diet (With friends before heading to the airport)
Thursday – 3 Bacardi and Orange I think (night out with the crush and he was getting the drinks for me)