WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the President of the United States announced that he has directed his budget office to cut enough money from the Meals on Wheels program to sufficiently cover the expense of flying Vice President Mike Pence to cities with NFL stadiums. Pence will be making further demonstrations, like the one he made before the Indianapolis Colts and San Francisco Giants played each other last week. President Trump tweeted about the stunt earlier this week.

The trip by @VP Pence was long planned. He is receiving great praise for leaving game after the players showed such disrespect for country!

Estimates are that it cost the U.S. taxpayers roughly $250,000 for Pence to fly from the nation’s capital and walk out on the game during the national anthem, when some players protested police brutality by kneeling or staying in the locker room while it played. Others have noted that it was not a spontaneous gesture as the press had been told to stay close to Pence’s car in case there was an early departure. Still more have pointed out the irony of Pence complaining about players using the anthem to protest, when he himself left in protest during the national anthem’s playing.

This morning, President Trump told the press pool as he exited the White House on his morning coffee, doughnut, deep fried lard patty, mainlining bacon grease, freebasing ham break that he “heard and understands” the American people’s displeasure with Pence spending their tax dollars on publicity stunts, and said he found a “bigly great” place in the budget to pay for the first and the rest of the stunts Pence will take part in the rest of this season.

“It is very true, these kinds of things are costly,” Trump admitted, “but after Mike and I met with Mick Mulvaney, we found all sorts of places in the budget where we could cut a few million here and there to pay for them. Meals on Wheels for example, where’s the real benefit in that? Do we ever recoup the money we spend feeding poor old people? Shouldn’t that money be reallocated toward doing things that make my base happy and no one else?”

The president is confident that most poor and elderly Americans would agree with the administration that “meaningless counter stunts are what make America great.”

“Screaming into the wind about how disrespectful these uppity black athletes are,” Trump said, “is maybe the most American thing since apple pie and lynching parties, know what I mean?”

Trump reiterated his stance that people protesting that people are protesting police brutality are “more righter and way more correctish.”

“I wanna know who the hell these uppity black athletes are,” Trump said, “and who the hell they think gave them the right to just protest peacefully any time they want to. I want to know where they think they got the right to say and think and feel what they want, as if they’re somehow just as equal as white people, don’t you, fam? I mean, I really wanna know where these nig – WHOOPSIE…uppity black athletes — get the nerve to behave as if we live in a free and civil society where forced patriotism is literally the exact opposite of what this country is supposed to stand for!”

Someone handed Trump a copy of the Constitution in answer to his rhetorical questions. Trump dropped his pants, and hunched over it after placing the book down on the ground. With a series of grunts and groans, the president literally shit all over the Constitution.

“I like being consistent,” Trump said, “in both my figurative and literal treatment of things. The bottom line is that we have every right to be offended by the Constitution if it’s being used in a way that makes us think about things in ways we don’t want to!”