My Best Laid Plans transcript

Contents

J.D.: *Kylie and I still haven't slept together, but I had a feeling her
four week booty embargo was about to end.*

Kylie: I have a surprise for you tonight.

J.D.: *God, I hope it's sex. Or a pony. I'll bet it's sex because I don't
see a pony.*

Kylie: Wait right here. [She goes to the table to pick up a license plate
that says "JD MD"] It's for your scooter-- What are you doing? [J.D. has
stripped down to his boxers and is lying on the couch]

J.D.: Nothing. I was just going to do a little laundry. I assume your
facilities are in-building?

Janitor: Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together
for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine.

Randall: Burn down her apartment.

Troy: I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat.

Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys. We call
this a Brain Trust. And I'm the one with all the solutions. I saved you from
that eagle, Randall. I saved your job, Troy. And Margo, I found your birth
mother! She was a tree person, remember? No, there's no shame in that. I'm
sorry, guys, but I've had enough. I'm afraid I have to find a new Brain
Trust. [He gets up and sits down with Doug, Todd, and Ted] Gentlemen. I
don't want to appear selfish, but stop what you're doing and focus on me.

[Hallway]

Molly: So, you seeing anyone?

Elliot: I went on a few dates with a guy named Rick, but then he met my mom
and it all fell apart.

Molly: She didn't like him?

Elliot: No, she loved him. They're in Aruba.

J.D.: God, I'd love to get with Molly.

Turk: Dude, you're pretty horny for a guy who claims to be getting it on a
nightly basis.

J.D.: What are you implying?

Turk: Let's just say a little birdie told me that you and Kylie haven't
slept together.

J.D.: Who?

Turk: Nurse Birdie.

Nurse Birdie: Well, you haven't.

J.D.: I trusted you!

Turk: Dude, it's been a month.

J.D.: Oh really Turk? Has it been a month? Because time just flies when
you're dry humping your way through three pairs of cords.

Turk: Look. Kylie hasn't slept with you so what she's saying is that she
doesn't want to be exclusive. Is she dating?

J.D.: She did go to a movie with her brother-in-law.

Turk: That's perfect. Dude, you can have your cake and eat it too. It's like
me talking with my old girlfriend. It boosts my self esteem and I take all
of this positive energy back to Carla. Now this is what you do: you go out
with Molly and have a great time while she's in town. But once she leaves,
you go to Kylie and you tell her you want to get your exclusive on.

J.D.: That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

[Cafeteria]

Todd: So once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's
basically just a waiting game.

Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.

Ted: You want to get Elliot, get in good with her best friend.

Janitor: Who's Elliot? [Ted gestures over to the other table] Oooh.

Ted: Trust me. The way I got my girlfriend in junior high was by getting her
best friend to like me.

Janitor: And how'd you do that?

Ted: I posed as her dad so she could rent a car. I lost my hair in eighth
grade.

Todd: Tough break five.

Janitor: I'm going in. [He walks over to Molly] Um. We should be friends.

Molly: Okay.

Janitor: Do you like vanning?

Molly: I don't know what that is.

Janitor: It's kind of my thing. It's like taking a long drive in a car, only
uh... it's in a van.

Molly: I'm still not getting it.

Janitor: Could you hang on for one sec? [He turns to his new Brain Trust]
She's an idiot.

[Nurse's Station]

Carla: Turk. I found your cell phone in the parking lot.

J.D.: Four stories and not a scratch. What are you made of?

Carla: You got three missed phone calls. All from a Rosanna. Isn't that your
ex-girlfriend?

[Another Nurse's Station]

Elliot: So, what's been going on with you?

Molly: I went to India for two weeks.

Kelso: Ladies, this is a hospital, not the junior league. Let's break it up.
And Dr. Clock, I feel as though I've been seeing less and less of you
recently. We don't pay you good money to go hide in your office. Let's get
out there on the floor.

Molly: I moved to Milwaukee four months ago.

Kelso: Welcome back.

Elliot: So this trip to India sounds so exotic.

[Hallway]

J.D.: Hey, Kylie. I was calling to see how your day was going. [He passes
Elliot and Molly and overhears part of their conversation]

Molly: ...this ninety degree cave and sweat would just be dripping off our
naked bodies.

J.D.: Naked sweat drips...

Kylie: What?

J.D.: Um, nothing, Kylie. It's a new band called the Naked Sweat Drips. They
have a great song called Perfect Breasts...

Molly: ...And then I got so flexible I could put my legs behind my head.

Kylie: J.D., are you there?

Molly: You should come. [Elliot's beeper goes off]

Elliot: Oh, frick on a stick. I gotta go. I want to hear the rest of the
story, don't forget where you were.

Elliot: [She opens the elevator door with her pinky] You're pressing the
wrong button. [She walks in and knocks J.D. to the ground with her pinky and
then turns her attention to Molly] I'm so excited! So where are we going?

J.D.: [Shouting] We haven't decided yet!

[Parking Lot]

Cox: I gotta tell you there, Supercuts. I've seen a lot of crazy things at
this hospital. I've seen smokers live to be a hundred, and I've seen
triathletes come in here and drop dead at twenty. I've seen unbridled joy,
and I've seen debilitating pain. But I never thought I'd see a jumpsuit
wearing, van driving, vomit cleaning, no good confounded Frankenstein
looking baffoon like you get a girl like Barbie.

Kelso: Nurse Turkleton, I want to talk to you about these discharge-- [Carla
knocks the papers out of his hand] We can talk later.

Elliot: You need to come get a drink.

Carla: Yes I do.

Elliot: Janitor! So, did Dr. Cox pay up?

Janitor: No! No! He says that he needs to see us on an actual date. In a
restaurant tonight at 8.

Elliot: Okay, meet me at Stanwick's?

Janitor: Sure.

[Parking Lot]

Janitor: Sorry guys, I can't go clubbing tonight. Daddy's got a date.

Ted: Aw man! I ironed my going out hair!

[Bar]

Molly: You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.

Elliot: They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the
whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a
pen in it.

J.D.: *Some guy... I never get credit for anything!*

Carla: So you guys think I'm overreacting about this whole Turk thing?

Elliot: Phone calls from an ex would drive me nuts!

J.D.: *I knew how to get rid of both of them, but I can't do that to Turk.*
[He hears a disembodied voice from his crotch]

Mr. Peeps: If you don't do it, I will.

J.D.: *Mr. Peeps? Why are you British?*

Mr. Peeps: I'll explain later. Just lose the extra bitches.

J.D.: Carla, go talk to Turk. Share with him your feelings. That's what he
wants.

Carla: Yeah?

Elliot: Come on. I'll drive you. I gotta go to dinner anyway.

Mr. Peeps: You're welcome.

Molly: We should probably go too. It's getting late.

J.D.: Oh, no no no. I just ordered two drinks. [Two gigantic drinks come]
Here they are.

[Hospital]

Carla: Hey Turk.

Turk: [On the phone] I promise, I will visit you soon.

Carla: [She takes the phone and hangs it up] I don't care if I seem crazy.
Please stop talking to your ex.

Turk: Anything for you. You know that.

[Stanwick's]

Elliot: College was weird. I was so worried about being liked that I let my
freshman roommate think we were dating for three months. We broke up at a
sorority formal. Ah, nobody could snuggle like Daisy. [She looks at her
watch] Didn't you say Dr. Cox was coming at 8?

Janitor: Oh, I'm sure he'll be here soon. [He gives the thumbs up to his
Brain Trust at another table] I kissed a dude once. It was at furnace camp.

[Bar]

J.D.: *Okay J.D., you're a little drunk. And you know what happens when you
get drunk. You get handsy. Now control yourself.*

Molly: It's tough making new friends in Milwaukee.

J.D.: [He's feeling up his own chest] *I said control yourself!* You know
Molly, if people aren't getting to know you they're missing out.

Molly: You think so?

J.D.: I do. *I knew at that moment what would happen if I reached over and
brushed the hair out of her eyes.* [Sequence: J.D. and Molly begin kissing
and make their way back to J.D.'s apartment and start undressing] *But I
didn't do that.* I should get going. I'm sorry. [He leaves Molly at the bar]

[Lobby]

Cox: [He sees Elliot walking in with the Janitor; they're laughing] Well, if
it isn't marginally attractive and the beast. How did the Porsche drive?

Elliot: Wait, why did we just go out if you already have his car?

Cox: Oh, my goodness. He actually tricked you into a date. This is so very
delicious and filling I don't think I'm going to be able to eat the rest of
the evening. In fact, I honestly don't think I can have one more bite of
your painful humiliation. I find I'm just a little stuffed. Will take my
keys to go, though. [The Janitor tosses them over] Yippee!

Elliot: You're unbelievable.

Janitor: You're the only one around here that treats me like a real person.

Elliot: What did you just say?

Janitor: There was one other girl, a few years ago... Red Haired Doctor. She
used to eat lunch with me. Until the other residents started making fun of
her. They called her Janitor Lunch Eater. Not the most clever group. Anyway,
I know that you don't think about me the way that I think about you. And I
never really believed that you would or that you could, but just pretending
for today somehow made me feel good... for a change. I'm sorry.

Elliot: You know what, it's okay. I actually had a good time.

Janitor: Thanks. [She walks away] Elliot.

[Kylie's Apartment]

J.D.: Oh, Kylie. I'm sorry. I hope it's okay that I stopped by. [She kisses
him] What was that for?

Kylie: I was thinking about how patient you've been with me. How right
things feel. And then you showed up and it feels like fate.

J.D.: Wait, are you saying that you're ready? [She nods and he strips down
in record time] Awesome.

Kylie: [She starts lighting candles] First, let me set the mood.

J.D.: And Kylie, you're right. It is fate. Because I was out with this girl
tonight that I totally could have had sex with, but it was easy for me to
blow her off because I was excited to be with you. [She's stopped smiling]
Why have you stopped lighting incense? It makes the room smell like Chinese
rain.

Kylie: You blew me off tonight to be with some random girl?

J.D.: Well, she's not a random girl. I mean, I had a crush on her long
before I met you.

Mr. Peeps: I will kill you!

Kylie: You should go.

J.D.: *I was in trouble. And if I didn't play my cards right, I knew what
could happen.* [Sequence: J.D. and Kylie start fighting; J.D. puts his
clothes back on and Kylie kicks him out; he returns to his apartment, making
several phone calls; he finally gives up and sits down on his bed]

Unfortunately, that's what did happen.*

[Parking Lot]

J.D.: *See, that's the thing about trying to have your cake and eating it
too. If you make the slightest mistake, you usually wind up getting
neither.* [Dr. Cox automates the Janitor's van to drive into the wall of the
hospital]

Ted: We can fix that. [The van explodes]

Janitor: [To Ted, Doug, and Todd] You guys are out. [To Troy and Randall]
You guys are back in. Where's Margo?

Randall: She's at a Ludacris concert with her birth mom.

Janitor: I lose my van to him, and I lose Margo to gangsta rap. Bad day.

[J.D. and Turk's Apartment]

J.D.: *And really, who wants to risk something important, just for a silly
piece of cake?*

Turk: I did it! Cut off all ties with Rosanna. Forever.

Carla: Baby, that took like twenty seconds. How did you do that so quickly?

Turk: It was easy. I just told her I was married.

Carla: You've been talking to this girl you used to sleep with, and you
never told her you were married?

Turk: She never asked?

Carla: It's no big deal. Because if you're lucky, maybe you won't be married
for much longer.