'Any books are better than none, of course, even books written without much thought ... .'

Pioneer Press

Posted:
11/06/2013 12:01:00 AM CST

Updated:
11/07/2013 10:46:53 AM CST

Sleepers

Writes MOTHER OF MANY IN WOODBURY: "Our 20-month-old grandson spends a few days a week with us. His daddy drops him off at 6:20 a.m.; I usually put him in bed with us, and we sleep for a few more hours. When I put him in bed the other morning, he looked at sleeping grandpa and said through his Nuk: 'Pa Pa.' I snuggled in next to him and pulled his warm, sweet-smelling little body close. When he woke up after a nice rest, he sat up in bed, raised his left arm and shouted: 'Oatmeal!'

"Here is a cute picture of my two sleeping partners!"

Frosty of Linwood: "I'm reading a new novel, by David Rhodes, called 'Jewelweed.'

"In one early chapter, a woman pastor goes to visit a prisoner in a maximum-security prison with no amenities and no comforts. She asks if she can bring him anything. He asks for books. She asks what kind of books. He replies: 'Any books are better than none, of course, even books written without much thought -- flavorless fantasies relying on cliches and stereotypes. I'll read those too, but what I really want are thick books with fine print, difficult sentences, long words, and enormous ideas, books written in a feverish hand by writers who hate the world yet can't keep from loving it, whose feelings so demand to be understood that if they didn't write them down they would go blind.

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Bring me books by women who have fallen out of step with society and refuse to march and sing the old songs. Books by men who through terrifying sacrifice overcome all the challenges set before them but one. Find me books by sensualists who drink their cups dry every time and yet never figure out why they're so thirsty, and books by pious men and women who continue to believe that being good will save them. Bring me books about people in love, people so passionate about each other they will stand against family, community, country, fortune, and fame in order to be together, and books about people who don't have a chance in hell yet somehow find one. Bring me books about the fear of God and the depths of nature, books about history, philosophy, psychology, science, and motorcycles.'

"Oh, to be surrounded with such books!"

BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: Yes. And with any luck, many of them will feature dialogue much more realistic than that!

Football, Ivy-style

LeoJEOSP: "LeoJEOSP attended a football game at Princeton University, and one cheer went: 'Accost them, accost them, make them relinquish the ball.' "

Life as we know it

TXTransplant: "Subject: No good deed goes unpunished.

"I live in an apartment complex that is designated for seniors and disabled individuals.

"My apartment came with a small wheelchair ramp at my back door. I do not need this ramp. Recently, one of my neighbors had back surgery and now uses a 'scooter' to get around. I told him that if he could find someone to move it, he was welcome to take this ramp for his own use.

"It was moved a couple days ago. I immediately went outside to sweep up the debris that had accumulated under the r I put the debris in my kitchen waste container.

"I am a frugal person, and the liner in the wastebasket was nearly empty, so I brought it back into the apartment rather than toss it in the Dumpster. Lots of room for more stuff!

"While I didn't need the ramp, apparently I was used to its being there. Going back into my apartment with the wastebasket, I misjudged the height of the step and fell. Took a large chunk out of my shin, screen door scraped a chunk out of my heel, and I have a large bruise on my left forearm from trying to break the fall. Ouch!

"Worst of all, by taking the wastebasket back into my apartment, I invited a colony of ants to live with me! Still trying to eradicate that infestation. A dab of corn syrup on my kitchen counter seems to be working.

"But I will never stop trying to help anyone who needs it."

Clowning around

Grammabarb of Woodbury: "Many years ago, I was concerned about my daughter being too shy.

"I learned about a clown club for women only and thought maybe she'd come out of her shell if she became a clown. I knew I would have to join, also, to get her into this group. We had great experiences, even though I was kicked in the shins during a Winter Carnival parade, by a boy who looked to be about 10 years old; plus, it took forever for us to get our costumes and makeup on, as well as off. If we had names, I don't remember them.

"One of my favorite times happened while visiting St. Joseph's Hospital. We were clowning around in a large room when a nurse asked us to go into a private room to see if an elderly lady would respond to us, as she hadn't responded to anyone for some time. As it was just before Christmas, we surrounded her bed and sang to her, she opened her eyes and continually smiled. Soon some of us did silly things, and it was clear she enjoyed us. The nurses thanked us as we left.

"However, we learned the hard way that it is not good for a group of clowns to come running into the room of sick children, away from their family, as we frightened them and made them cry.

"A Winter Carnival parade became our last when my daughter came home from school saying: 'You told me no one would know who I was, and right away a girl in my first class said: "I saw you in the parade Saturday!" ' That was the end of our clowning around.

"I still have our red wigs, noses and costumes. All my grandchildren played dress-up with them, but they have outgrown them, and my daughter is far from shy now!"

Everyone's a copy editor!

Donald: "Subject: The short-term plan needs some work.

"The 'NBA briefing' section on Page 4B in Thursday's Pioneer Press had this headline for one of its items: 'Cavs' owner: Irving in long-term plan.' The article, with a Houston dateline, opened with this paragraph: 'Dwight Howard had 17 points and a career-high-tying 26 rebounds in his Houston debut, James Harden added 21 points and the Rockets cruised to a 96-83 win over the Charlotte Bobcats on Wednesday night.' The rest of the article (six paragraphs) focused on the game and Dwight Howard; no mention was made of the Cleveland Cavaliers, their owner, or Irving."

Everyone's a copy editor!

Or: Hmmmmmmmm

Wednesday (11/6/2013) email from Miss Kitty of the Midway: "In the paper today, under 'Weather notes' on the back page of the Sports section, Jerrid Sebesta starts his story with: 'November is just around the corner, signifying a period that we are heading resolutely into winter.'

"According to my calendar, we are already in November. Do they bother to read what they type, or are we supposed to believe it is still October? [Bulletin Board says: Could be Jerrid Sebesta is in the Denial phase?]

"This reminded me of a greeting card I saw at my local coffee shop, which said: 'Does the weatherman have a window?' "

(Passive) Verbing of America

Proper Name Division

The Retired Pedagogue of Arden Hills: "I just got around to reading an obituary written by Mary Karr for Seamus Heaney in the September 16 issue of Time: 'Heaney, who was 74 when he died on Aug. 30, never lost his humility even after he was Nobelled....' "

See world

Al B of Hartland: "I stepped outdoors. It was a sweet evening. My eyes went skyward, both in gratitude and in curiosity. The action there set the stage. It was a gateway to wonder. Swallows flew high in the sky, feeding on dragonflies. The day had reached new heights.

"I paused to marvel. What a generous world this is to provide endless wonder. I look at nature and become too blessed to be stressed."