Reality vs Expectation

It’s hilarious, seriously because the more I want to avoid you, the more I end up stumble over you. Silly eh?

But I’m glad that you don’t notice me because you’re not really looking, like last Monday which I accidentally saw you three times within 2 hours.

The first was during dusk, around 730 when I inadvertently yelled your name but thank God you didn’t hear my calling.

The second was when you were waiting for the bus, I think it was around 9 and I was in the black Satria Neo.

The last was 10 minutes later, you were in the bus and I was literally in the car adjacent to the bus at the traffic light.
Which I screamed “Oh Shit!” when I realized you were just next to me and I ducked down in the car and hit the hard cover of the firm black file.
and I laughed my arse off.
You were sitting in the bus, your back facing me and I was crossing my finger so that you would not notice my presence.

I was flabbergasted and out of breath to see the distinguished physique I recognized so well. The blond spiky hair, the ocean blue eyes, the small ears and those luscious lips, it’s Jamie.

I was dreaming, absolutely because I know he won’t be here if it’s real. Oh gosh Jamie! How I miss him since he left, whenever that was. Jamie is a close friend of mine and the best amongst all. But the thing is, he’s not real. He’s my imaginary friend. We were together for such a long time I couldn’t recall the exact time and date. He’s a blessing. A miracle because he understands me the most. He’s always there through thick and thin for the past years. He’s just special.

Hey Trip!

How are you dear!

I miss you like hell.

Oh oh Jamie! WTF! I miss you more!

Tears started to form in my eyes and I could feel a lump in my throat.

No no no Don’t you cry on me. You’ve promised you won’t cry. Stop it at instant Trip! Or I’ll go. Seriously.

Why do u have to be so cruel Jamie?

Hahaha I’m not.

And he suddenly smacked my head out of the blue.

Owh great Jamie, just great! I get a smack now instead of a cuddle? What the hell was that for?

To make you realize. I don’t intend to stay long because you’ll weep upon my departure later. But hey! What the fuck is wrong with you?

You know it Jamie. You know it very well what’s wrong with me.

It’s about Sunshine eh? Come on Trippie. Sunshine’s a mere crush. I don’t know it has left a great impinge on you this much.

Well, apparently it does. Sunshine’s special you know. And don’t you remember? You’re jealous because of Sunshine. That’s why you left. You left me Jamie, alone in the dark. You won’t come in my dream and you didn’t reply my calling.

No Trip, I left because you don’t need me anymore. You’re happy, I knew you were contented that time and I gotta teach you how to let go. You have to learn to let go Trip. Besides you can’t continue talking to yourself in the dark every night. People might have taken you loco.

Apa-apa je lah.

Do you still remember why I call you Trip? It’s because you’re easily tripped over. Physically and emotionally. That’s why Trip, that’s the reason.

I knowwww Jamie.

And what do u do when you trip over? You get up and walk away. You move on. That’s what you should do. Sunshine is happy, and Sunshine doesn’t need you no matter how much you need your Sunshine. Come on Trip, like you haven’t do this. Move along. I know it’s not easy but hey you manage to get over me and continue your life remember?

It’s because you’re fictitious Jamie but Sunshine’s is real.

The more real someone can be, the more pain he/she can grant you. I don’t wanna see you like this. Let Sunshine go, move on and keep your chin up. It’s hard, I know but try my dear, try your best.

I’m trying..

No you’re not, you’re fucking not!

Don’t push me! I just can’t! Sunshine’s precious and priceless. I don’t know how will I survive without Sunshine. It would be like living without any sun.

Bullshit Trip! Bullshit! How long have you’ve been away from Sunshine? How long have you avoided the sun! And look! You’re pretty much alive! And how long have you been waiting for your so-called Sunshine? Since when did the feeling harbor? Have you considered that?Sunshine my arse!

It’s in the inside Jamie. The longing. The skip-a-beat thingy. The crazy pulse beating when I saw Sunshine. The ache to see someone you love, love someone else. It’s in the inside, it’s the heart.

Hey hey, you don’t have to worry about your heart. I’m keeping it safe for you. I know I’m not real, it’s true and I despise the fact that I’m not genuine but know this, I’ll always be in your heart, always and I have been in your heart all this while. I never left you. I’m here. I loathe seeing like this, so absurdly miserable and always faking the smile, putting on the happy facade, you’ll die of heartache Trip. And when you die, I will too.

~

Jamie gave me a kiss on my forehead and cuddled me. The he vanished, disappeared into thin air. I was devastated and was awaken by his abrupt departure. I felt so hollow. I needed someone to hug me and a shoulder to cry because I swear to God, last night I cried in my sleep. I embraced my blanket and cringed. My heart is aching by the spasm of realization Jamie enlightened me.

p.s. To Jamie, I’m trying very hard to let Sunshine go and I hope this is the best decision.

Remember how may times did I tell you that this is our song?
Countless right?
Remember how many times did I tell you that you can sit beside me when the world comes down?
Countless right?
Remember how many times did I tell you that you can still sit beside me when the world comes down?
Countless right?
Remember how many times did I tell you that you can sit beside me when the world comes down, there will always be a space?
Countless right?

But hey you,
I don’t know. I’m at the brink of giving up of my love to you.
I don’t know what am I thinking but..
Can I ask you to go sit somewhere else when the world comes down?
I’m so sorry but I have to.
And I know I’ll regret this but I don’t know.
It’s that time again when I feel like a loser and so daft.
The fact is I’m jealous you. I’m jealous.
I know I shouldn’t have. I have no right to be jealous. But I am.
I can’t take this anymore.
I’m sorry.

To Mikey.
You’re like the sun that shines me…
Day and Night.
Love,
Arshad.

I know,
Corny, cheesy, lame and you can put as many words to describe this silly act of mine. I pasted this on the front of the house of the latest play in KLPAC entitled The Poem and The Rent. It caught my attention that it said you can pen anything rather poetic and paste it there so that people can see and read it. I am no Shakespeare but it was very random that you were on my mind that particular moment. So I decided to write it there because when the love is gone, at least I’m sure that people have actually read my confession and it shows how insane you have turned me into.

Disclaimer

My blog is so depressing only depressed people stop by and read. Don't put the blame on me if you leave from here feeling tensed and depressed.
Respect me for who I am so please consider if you wanna drop a bad comment or two as this is the place where I pour everything out. So if you have some dissatisfaction or whatever, kindly get the hell out of here and you may want to get a life too.
Other than that, do enjoy your sojourn in this dismal place :)