Met: pretty much everyone over 50 has been molested

Met Police commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe admitted today that new figures showing that pretty much everyone born before 1962 has been molested by someone in a position of power at some point “are disappointing”.

Newly released files have uncovered what commentators are calling a ‘conveyor belt’ of paedophilia and abuse in which every single young person in the 70s-80s was abused ‘at some point or another’ by teachers, care-workers, BBC Radio 1 DJs, senior Conservative Politicians or policemen.

“Occasionally they’d just take newborn babies and dunk them in a massive vat of dildos for some reason,” added retired Social Worker Joan Biddle. “Nobody spoke up. It was the 70s, it was just what happened back then.”

Police are appealing for any adults who remain unviolated to come forward, “just to form some sort of control group”, but Hogan-Howe has acknowledged that this will be difficult.