- The three of them looked at the contraption in the centre of the puddle jumper which was now glowing brightly.

CARTER: “What’d you do?” RODNEY: “I’m not entirely sure.”ZELENKA: “It could just be me, but wasn’t that planet green a few moments ago?”CARTER: “Mckay, what were you thinking just now?”RODNEY: “Oh nothing – just thinking back to that mission report where you found a time machine inside a puddle jumper and I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be cool if we…”BECKETT: “O’ no…”CARTER: “Flip it back! Flip it back!”

- *FLASH* The planet returns to a nice lush green.

BECKETT: “O’ thank god.”

- *FLASH*

RODNEY: “Uh oh…” CARTER: “Rodney!”

- *FLASH*

RODNEY: “Hey, cool.” ZELENKA: “Quit it!”

- *FLASH*

BECKETT: “Here ‘e go.”

- *FLASH*- Two huge Wraith ships start flying towards them.

CARTER: “MCKAY!” RODNEY: “Oh, sorry.”

- *FLASH*

BECKETT: “Knock it off Mckay!”

- *FLASH*

RODNEY: “I’m confused.” ZELENKA: “Rodney!” RODNEY: “Kidding.”

- *FLASH*

CARTER: “Oh for the love of Pete… Give it here!”RODNEY: “You haven’t got the funky gene.BECKETT: “I’ll do’t.”RODNEY/ZELENKA: “NO!” CARTER: “Don’t think anything.”ZELENKA: “Do you think it would be wise idea to get out of here?”RODNEY: “Don’t ask me questions or I’ll start thinkin’.”ZELENKA: “I wasn’t, I was simply giving you instructions so that we don’t end up in any more life threatening predica –”

- *FLASH*- They all turn to see the sun swollen and about to explode…

CARTER/BECKETT/ZELENKA: (frantically yelling) “Turn it back!”

- *FLASH*

___________

JOHN: “Who would call at this hour?”RODNEY: “You know, it’s not this time all over the galaxy.”JOHN: “I knew that.”

___________

DANIEL: “Dr. Beckett I presume. I met you briefly in Antarctica.”BECKETT: “It was ‘n accident…”

JOHN: “Did we just?” MCKAY: “Yes.” JOHN: “And is that ship…” MCKAY: “Yes.” JOHN: “So basically we’re…” MCKAY: “Yes.” FORD: “And I didn’t even get to name it.”MCKAY: (sharply) “Don’t even get me started on you.”JOHN: “Oh, and what would you have called it Gateship boy?”FORD: “Whoops.”BECKETT: “Somehow ‘ Whoops’ just doesn’t cut it.”

stolen from Noxiard Laboratires East Western Arm 873754 if found please return.WARNING: This device is only good for 10 000 years or 2 600 000 beams, after which period no responsibility will be taken for injury, accidental location confusion or mind swapping.

_______

ALIEN CIRCUIT : “We advise that the door you are touching is currently locked.”MCKAY: “Thank you, I noticed – wait, did that door just talk to me???” FORD: “Don’t worry, everything seems to talk to you – watch.”

Just as I was getting ready to hoist my pirate flag Amazon Prime did something beautiful - they released their streaming service to THE WORLD. So, for the first time ever I found myself parting with money to watch a wonderful show live with the rest of the world. Amazing. I mean, it doesn't sound like rocket science but if you don't live in UK or US you have NO IDEA how long the rest of us have been waiting for this opportunity. TBH I have no idea how much I paid for it. I just kept clicking 'TAKE MY MONEY' 'TAKE MY MONEY' until a play button appeared.

Thank frak.

I mean sure, we all still need clips for the inevitable fanart but it's a second choice - we got to pay and support a show we love. ❤

Before I start let me also mention this. Music in shows like this is a huge deal. There used to be entire forums dedicated to working out what tracks were being played etc and then a whole separate community for finding them. Amazon has an x-ray feature that allows you to see track listings for all songs used in the episode - skip straight to that scene - buy the track from the Amazon store in fucking MP3 format. Like GOD YES.

THE OPENING - IRRITATE THE BBC

The opening was the highlight and it had to be. Clarkson is seen leaving some unknown location (definitely the BBC) with scattered radio coverage of his 'sacking'. It's pouring with rain as he heads toward an airport. When he gets there, the sun is out - a Mustang (of all the cars) is waiting. He takes it out for a drive and is joined by his mates Hammond and May with grins that melt every viewer's heart. Added to this the score 'I can see clearly now' being played live - it's just everything we've been waiting for.

This extends out into a desert where they pretty much drive through the set of Mad Max to be greated by the tent and what is basically a huge rave in the desert.

Their intros are just - well I'm sure they sat down and worked out how to annoy the BBC best and came up with this. Also, Hammond is short. The nifty little air drone filming the whole thing is immediately shot (because this is America and they shoot stuff) and we proceed inside to their new tent.

It's going to take a bit of getting used to and if we're perfectly honest, Americans do not make the best live audiences. Sorry guys, you're just not quite as insane as the rest of us. You try but...

Anyway - we're off...

THE HOLY TRINITY - NO REALLY, ANNOY THE BBC

Those of you that watched Top Gear are well aware of the heavily anticipated race between the three supercars Mclaren, Porsche and La Ferrari which couldn't be done on Top Gear for 'legal reasons'. Whatever those 'legal reasons' were - Amazon ignored them and we got a stunning sequence of these cars legging it around a track in Spain (nearly killing them at times). Seriously, I don't think I've seen Clarkson or May that terrified behind the wheel of a car in a long time.

The purpose of this segment is pretty clear. It confirms that this is absolutely a continuation of the previous show with different overlords and more $$$.

It goes on for a while and it's gorgeous. This is fan service for the car nerds who want their shiny things. Next week we'll be falling in the mud and catching fire.

THE NEWS - CONVERSATION STREET

Which, instead of any actual news, was just an excuse to irritate May about his speeding ticket for the slowest traffic offense on record. Also, he and Jeremy are wearing matching shoes which I'm sure they'll kill themselves over later. Wait, they might have mentioned that on twitter earlier.

THE TEST TRACK - THE BITUMAN OF DEATH

No seriously. Cars are going to be lost in the making of this show. There are deer on the tarmac. Unexploded WWII items. No area to crash gracefully. An electrical station on the corner of death.

THE STIG - THE ILL TEMPERED AMERICAN

The unimpressed racing driver who I'm absolutely certain will never like a single car ever and will hit many deer.

STAR IN A REASONABLY PRICED CAR - ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

Or... 'celebrity murder'. I'm going to place bets right now that there will be NO celebrity interviews at any point during this show. They'll just find every more creative ways to kill them off within five seconds which couldn't be a bigger two-fingers to Top Gear if it tried. Also wonderful was their discussion on whether or not to put said celebrities in cars and let them drive around their track...

You know how everyone was really worried that without the BBC to buck agains they wouldn't have their rebellious humour? Suckers. They're still bucking against the BBC. They're like kids in a fantastic boarding school chucking eggs at their dreadful parents' car.

AUDIENCE REBELLION

One part I loved was the open warfare with the American audience over airforce superiority. Grand Tour doesn't just tip-toe around fragile PC sentiments - it deliberately tramples them into the earth then re-lives them a few times through creative editing and I highly approve. It's called comedy and by show they're going to educate the world in it whether people are ready or not. They also managed to slip the word, 'Communist' at least 12 times (almost certainly because they were told not to say it).

JEZZA'S HOUSE

Now we know why it ended up as a pile of rubble. Never shake on things you don't mean.

I only have one question: WHERE IS THE GOAT? We're calling him, 'GIN'.

I have another question: Why did Jeremy not change his name to Jennifer? Also, maybe did he blow up his house because it reminded him to much of happy times as family? with his ex-wife?Also, if I were his children I would be SO mad at dad for blowing up what used to be my home, too. So, not so sure there weren't other motivations for making that bet...