When I Grow Up I Wanna be a Firetruck

Yes, I realize it has been a long time. No excuses from me and no questions from you, alright?

I am going to be 34 years old in two weeks.

In two weeks time, I am going to not just be jobless, but also careerless. If you don’t understand the difference between the two, let me explain:

Job = temporary work placement that is not necessarily in the field of choice you desire, but hey, at least it is employment!

Career = an assembly of all the jobs you have taken in a certain field that provides opportunity for advancement, personal growth and knowledge.

I am not excited to be entering this year of my life with yet another ball of feelings telling me I am not accomplishing what I am supposed to be doing.

I am more confused than ever, actually.

When I was a child, I knew who I was and what I wanted to be. I thought that someday I would have a leadership role in the arts or some other boss-ass career and make mad money.

Then once I was actually in the workforce, I realized my path was not easy. I worked harder and got better – and in return more was expected of me, but advancement was not coming so easily.

Becoming a stay at home mom seemed like an easy decision at the time.

I WANTED to stay home with my girls. I had just had a baby and she was one year old and I missed our time together. I wasn’t even at my old job (a job I had for almost a decade) for six weeks after my maternity leave before we made the decision for me to quit and stay home full time.

And here I still am.

Surprisingly, I am also not advancing in this career either. It has been four years since the birth of our youngest child and the days are starting to get muddled.

I think becoming a stay at home mom was really great for my family and I have been able to spend some real quality time watching my youngest grow up. This is the time I missed the most during my oldest daughter’s years and seeing the change of pace has been really amazing.

Yes, me becoming a stay at home mom was really great for my family, but now I am getting a little worried about ME.

What happens when we become dissatisfied like this?

For anyone out there who is reading this and wants to throw away their internetting device because I sound like a whiney wino, I just want to tell you that this post is only going to get worse. You should maybe shut this down and go find some funny cat videos on Youtube.

….And I also understand where you are coming from. I’m complainging about my very cushy position. I am a priveledged white lady (and I just called myself a lady, so I really am turning 34 in two weeks) and some of you may feel like you’d give your left leg in order to stay at home and raise your babies. “Power to ya!” if that is what your heart desires. You do you and you chase your dreams. What I am saying about myself is in no way any reflection of you, mmmmk?

I am tired of not reaching my potential. I miss some of the hustle of working outside the home life. I miss my coffee dates and lunches with my coworkers. I miss meeting new people and working on a project together and having spectacular results. And frankly, I am not very good at being a stay at home mom.

Aye, really, I have forgotten what it is I am good at.

I was never passionate about my last job I had in television production. It was meant to get my toe in the door and then I could move on to grander things I had in my fortune cookie. What happened was not what I expected. I got good. I got comfortable. I got a few raises and BAM! Suddenly 8 years passed.

I am 34 years old in two weeks and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

So, there’s another problem. Not only have I forgotten what I am good at, but I have also forgotten what I love to do.

I used to sing. I used to sing all the time. I still sometimes get that heart fluttery ethereal feeling when I am singing in my living room. That feeling of, “AHA! THIS!!!” Maybe it is my heart singing too.

I also used to love painting. I had such doubts about my artwork for so many years that it seems like such a farce at this point.

I have no real knowledge of how to do these things “right” anyhow. I have no formal training and I let them go for far too long.

I went to college to get a job. I thought television production would be an OK substitute for my creative tendencies. I settled for the easy route. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and how much I was damaging my soul by not following my passions. I had a child at home and had to be practical, after all.

Now, that knowledge from schooling is junk and I will never put to practical use again.

Here I am.

I will be 34 in two weeks and all I know is that my prospects are dwindling.

The thing that comes with being 34 is that you know a little bit about how you behave… even if you don’t know everything you want.

I know I like to be able to set my own terms, hours, jobs I want to do, people I want to see. I don’t want to work anywhere that involves a long commute (unless that long commute means a hotel stay). I don’t want to deal with illogical people or anyone who can’t handle my sarcasm and humour. I want something creative and challenging that makes my heart fly.

I guess, when I grow up I want to be a firetruck.

I am also open to suggestions.

Are you happy with the career choice you have made, whether it is out or in the home? I really want to know if I am the only restless soul out here.

2 Replies to “When I Grow Up I Wanna be a Firetruck”

Allison, you are certainly not alone. I’m a Dental assistant and recently found out that I am allergic to my work – sounds lame but it’s true. My immediate plan after Mat Leave was to take children into the home so we can afford for me to stay home with the kids but I didn’t plan on that being my forever plan. I had planned to return to my career as a DA when we didn’t have to have me working just to pay for childcare. I too chose a practical route. All i have ever wanted to do is be a mom and be around babies. I worry about what the future holds for me. I’m not really sure I’ll be able to make my career as a doula take off in our little town as I dream it could. So I too am stuck to figure out what my “10 year plan” is and how I will contribute to our family beyond my children’s toddler years.

Thank you for your post – it reminds me that we aren’t alone and although it seems that everyone has their shit together in life through Facebook ext, it’s not necessarily true. We all struggle. ❤

Amber. I don’t know how I missed this comment the other day. As selfish as this may sound, I feel so much more relief when I know I am not alone. Thank you!
As a sidenote: I always think you have your shit together. haha