An online journal from perhaps the biggest, stupidest Tommy on all the internet.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Illustrious TR

Death of the Enumerator/Happy Birthday Teddy Roosevelt

I wrote this nine years ago, on what would have been Teddy Roosevelt's 145th birthday. Well, today would be #154. Of course, no President could live that long. Except for James Buchanan. Who's still alive, and lives three houses down from me.

Anyway...Happy Birthday to the Illustrious T.R.From October 27, 2003....Death of the Enumerator--A Short Play

Dramatis Personae

Edwinus, the Ternary Enumerator of the High Court of his Royal MajestyKrimdall, the Stablekeep of the High CourtDan, the Stable Boy, who is 6'7" and 37 years old.Theodore Roosevelt, who is celebrating on this day his 145th birthday

The Setting

The Stables of His Royal Majesty (King Bob the Indomitable). On Tuesday. Two-ish.

Dan: He got quite cross with me when we played Connect 4 this morning.

Edwinus (quietly incredulous): He plays Connect 4?

Krimdall: He cheats.

Dan: 'e does cheat. That's why he got cross with me when I called 'im on it. He damn near killed me.

Krimdall: Yep. Tore Dan's arm off and hit him with it.

(Dan displays a stump, proudly, and Edwinus is a little disgusted)

Edwinus: Perhaps you should visit the apothecary about that.

Dan: Can't. Not on the insurance for another month.

Edwinus: Pity.

Dan: Yeah. Got a daughter at home's had the rickets something terrible.

Krimdall: Would you like to see it?

Edwinus (disgusted): What? The Rickets?

Krimdall: No, Crowfoot. The Ape.

(Edwinus ponders this. For quite a long time, actually. In fact, Krimdall has left his lunch break, and is hard at work by the time Edwinus makes up his mind, some 39 minutes later).

Scene, the second: 39 minutes later

Edwinus: Marvelous. May I see him?

Krimdall (from the back of the stable): Beg pardon?

Edwinus: May I see the ape?

Krimdall (reminded): Oh. Certainly. Dan! Get the key!

(Dan walks over to Krimdall, takes the key off Krimdall's belt, and gives it to Krimdall)

Krimdall: What do you say?

Dan: Thank you. (under his breath): Jeebus.

(Edwinus violently slaps the boy. Krimdall kicks him once for good measure. Since Dan is so huge, it affects him little at all.)

Edwinus: Don't take the Man-Jeebus' name in vain.

Krimdall: Yeah!

(Krimdall directs Edwinus to a door, moves to unlock it)

Krimdall: Now, I have three rules about seeing the ape. One: No cussing. Two: No overt references to any Brit-Coms. He has a terrible aversion to anything coming off the BBC, and I don't want to have to be cleaning intestines, again. Stops the hell out of the sink.