3:34pm: There will be blood. Oh yes, even if it takes the entire episode. But it was worth it. The Hound takes on the entire Millwall firm, and just when it looks like things are heading south, Arya picks up the Needle and reminds lead thug who she is. She eases it into the soft spot between his chin and his throat; blood gurgles up like oil from a geyser (blood from a geezer?) and we know - as we have always known - that the Starks have found their new leader.

3:32pm: The Hound wants a chicken. The thug wants to trade Arya for said chook. Then the Hound wants two chickens. The thug says he doesn't think The Hound understands the situation. The Hound says: "I understand that if any more words come pouring out of your c--- mouth, I'm going to have to eat every f---ing chicken in this room."

3:26pm: The sword-stealing thug sits down for a bit of exposition. "We can do whatever we like, wherever we go," says the little thug. "These are the king's colours, no one's standing in his way now, which means no one is standing in ours."

3:22pm: And here's the unlikeliest foster father-daughter relationship in history, Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) and The Hound (Rory McCann) wandering through the woods on a single horse, talking about buying her a pony, eyeing a tavern and wondering how many men they might have to kill to get a meal. Arya spies some geezer with her sword, Needle. "Lots of people name their swords," she tells him. "Lots of c---s," says The Hound, who always knows just the right thing to say.

3:19pm: Dontos offers her his last remaining bt of worldly wealth, a necklace that used to belong to his mother. Necklaces seem to be a bit of a theme this ep. We even had that slave girl crucified and Danny telling her men to remove her collar before burying her. Interesting.

3:16pm: Out on a walk Sansa is spooked by a fool who used to be a knight. He's drunk. "Don't you know me?" It's Sir Dontos, the knight Joffrey got plastered at a tournament in season one, hoping to see him splattered. Sansa prevented the joust and thus saved his life. He owes her, but isn't it time he sobered up? Man, that Joffrey must have poured gallons of the stuff into him if he's still tipsy three seasons later.

3:13pm: Brienne reminds Jamie of his vow to help keep the Stark girls safe. "Are you sure we're not related?" he asks. "Ever since I returned, every Lannister I've seen has been a miserable pain in my arse. You've got the hair for it, if not the looks." You have to hand it to him, he's a smooth bastard.

3:09pm: Daario Naharis, one of Danny's recruits from her last campaign, is now mysteriously played by a diffferent actor (long-haired Ed Skrein last season, not-so-long-haired Michael Huisman this time around). He's on the pull, offering up sword-balancing rituals, blue roses, wildflowers and recipes for tea to try to win her over. Doesn't he know she's a dragon lady? "You are a gambler, aren't you?" she says, but he lives to flirt another day.

3:04pm: Ah, Joffrey. Where have you been, you utter knob? He's hanging it on Jamie. "How can you protect me with that?" Joffrey asks his brother-father, pointing pointedly to his metal appendage. "I use my left hand now, your Grace. Makes it more of a contest." I bet he'd love to use his right hand right now, to give Joffrey a damn good spanking.

3:01pm: And here is Brienne (Gwendolien Christie) wearing ... good Lord, could it be? A skirt? "Aren't you just marvellous," says granny. "Just marvellous." She's come to tell Maergery who killed her first husband, Renly Baratheon. "It was Stannis. He plunged his sword through Renly's heart and disappeared," Brienne tells her. Maergery seems neither surprised nor disturbed. She is nothing if not pragmatic.

2:55pm: Joffrey's intended, Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer), is inspecting wedding cushions - they're just like whoopie cushions, except when you sit on them they squirt blood rather than make farting noises - with her grandmother (Diana Rigg). No, wait, they're looking at necklaces. Margaery suggests she should let Joffrey choose it, "and end up with a string of dead sparrows around my neck". A string of dead Starks, more like.

2:51pm: Jon is on trial, sort of. For joining the Wildlings. For laying with a Wildling girl. "If we beheaded every ranger who lay with a girl the wall would be manned by headless men," says one of his inquisitors. Jon tries to warn them of the coming assault, a band of 100,000 men; the attack will come from the north and the south. It's enough. He gets to keep his head. For now.

2:48pm: He's telling Sam (John Bradley) how much he wanted to hate Robb Stark, for being better at everything - fighting, riding, girls (or is that fighting, riding girls?) - "but I never could". Sam confesses he sometimes wanted to hate Jon Snow for being so much better at everything, "except reading". It's a tender moment.

2:44pm: Tormund (Kristofer Hivju), the big red-bearded Wildling, gets a visitor. Tall, bald, intense. It's Peter Garrett. He gets all ominous but all he really wants is to share a meal ... of human arm. They really do things differently up near the wall, don't they?

2:38pm: Seems the real issue is she's missed brother-lover. She's pissed. "I murdered people so I could be here with you," he says, and if that doesn't warm the cockles of her heart nothing will. "You took too long," she says, which is really just a faint. Really, she just doesn't like Jamie's new short hair-do.

2:36pm: Jamie notes that Cersei appears to be drinking rather more than she used to. Why? She answers with a recap of the first three seasons. Admirably brief, but drinking to remember is hardly the message to send to the kiddies, now, is it?

2:34pm: Cut to ... Jamie getting his bionic hand fitted. It looks like a giant salad server. "The craftsmanship is excellent," says the fitter. "If you like it so much you're welcome to chop off your own hand," says Jamie. Cersei (Lena Headey) calls him an ingrate. "I spent days with the goldsmith getting the details just right." "Days?" he asks. "Better part of an afternoon," she corrects herself.

2:29pm: Poor Tyrion. This dude is so seriously shafted at every turn. But what's this? Shae (Sibel Kekilli) is waiting for him in his bed. Just like old times, but he's trying very hard to stay on the straight and narrow. Remind me why...

2:25pm: Sansa is looking a little peeky, but I'd wager it's not morning sickness. Her husband manages to steal a rare moment alone with her. "I can't let you starve," Tyrion says. She's having one of her almighty funks, but given what happened to her mother and brother at the Red Wedding she probably has the right to feel a little peeved.

2:22pm: Double yay!! Daenerys (Emelia Clarke) and the dragons. My, haven't they grown. And while I don't think it's my place to be giving parenting advice, they really are a little, well, rambunctious. Not sure they should be in creche with the other kiddies anyway. As Jorah (Iain Glenn) says, "They can never be tamed. Not even by their mother."

2:18pm: Tyrion spirits Oberyn out of the brothel and they share a moment of their own. Oberyn has been sent as a wedding guest in place of his brother, Doran Martell (we've never seen him, so don't worry, you're not going senile). It's intended as a snub, and Tyrion says, as one second son to another, "I've grown rather used to being the family insult". Turns out Oberyn has come seeking revenge on the Lannisters, though I can't quite work out why he'd reveal this even to a loathed second son. Oberyn's sister was married to a Targaryen and when the Lannisters took King's Landing in the famous battle that preceded all of this (no, you're still not senile; we've only ever heard about this stuff) her children were killed and she was raped before also being murdered. He holds Gregor Clegane - aka The Mountain, brother of The Hound - responsible. I'm guessing his gift for the happy couple won't be a singing kettle.

2:08pm: Bronn enjoys a little light-hearted banter with Oberyn. "You started as a killer, now you are a knight. How did that happen?" the big banana asks. "Killed the right people, I suppose," Bronn shoots back. They both chuckle. It reminds me of that bit in Monty Python's Holy Grail. Peasant 1: "He must be the king." Peasant 2: "How do you know that?" Peasant 1: "He's the only one not covered in shit."

2:05pm: I stand corrected. Her name is Ellaria Sand. Oberyn tells Tyrion this moments after stabbing some Lannister oik through the wrist just because he can. She's not long since told us she's a bastard; I think maybe she was confusing herself with her sadistic paramour. These guys are here for a wedding. Things could get ugly.

2:00pm: Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal) of the aforementioned Dorn is inspecting Littlefinger's merchandise. His lady friend (name yet to be disclosed; we'll probably get to hear it halfway through season five, in passing when she's not even in shot) chooses a fleshy little fleshpot and Oberyn picks the delivery boy. It's like a medieval key party.

1:54pm: A delegation of yellow-clad emissaries from the Dornish territories - no, I don't remember them either - arrive looking like bananas on horseback. They treat Tyrion with all the respect he is usually accorded. Zip, that is. Poor Tyrion. But we all know that one day he'll be the big man in Westeros.

1:51pm: Yay. Here's Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), with Bronn (Jerome Flynn) and that manservant with the enormous ... flag. Bronn makes some sort of goat-f---ing joke, Tyrion boasts about his prowess as a diplomat, and Podrick fiddles with his enormous ... flag.

1:46pm: Ingrate that he is, Jamie turns down this generous severance package (what? too soon?). He doesn't want Casterly Rock, he doesn't want a wife and children, he says. "What do you want?" scowls Daddy. "Supper would be nice." Seriously Jamie, someone needs to give you some guidance on the subtle art of negotiation.

1:42pm: Model of fatherly love that he is, Tywin tells Jamie he'll need to train his left hand, but tells him he'll never be as good as he was. "No, but as long as I'm better than everyone else...". Tywin breaks the bad news - Jamie (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is no longer part of the king's guard. Instead of risking life and limb to protect the noxious twat that is Joffrey, he's being sent off to Casterly Rock to lord it up in Tywin's place. As redundancy packages go, that sounds pretty jolly good.

1:38pm: The blade was made of Valerian steel. Tywin gives it to Jamie, tells him the original was "absurdly large", and now he's made two. Let that be a lesson to you Jamie the Massive - it's not the size that counts, it's what you do with it.

1:35pm: Here we go. It opens on what appeaars to be a sword stuffed down the throat of a wolf. It's Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) pulling it out, handing it over to a smithy who melts it down to make ... two more swords. What's this? Has Tywin embraced recycling? Surely he hasn't gone all greeny on us? That would be an even more shocking turn of events than the Red Wedding.

1:31pm: One of the things I'm most looking forward to is picking up on that rather uncomfortable sister-shagger/brother-bonker reunion. The look on Cersei's face when she saw Jamie rock up with a stump where his hand used to be in last season's finale was priceless.

1:29pm: Having just sat through the last 10 minutes of a rather trippy Spartacus I have to say how glad I am to be watching GoT. I'm sure Spartacus makes sense if you make the effort. Maybe. But there's only room for so much sword-and-sandalry in one person's life, right?

1:26pm: First up, kiddies, a word of warning. I am not, nor have I ever been, the marvellous Natalie Bochenski. That will no doubt disappoint many of you; in fact, my own parents have had years of therapy to deal with it. But they're good with it now. Hopefully you will be too.

Who will live and die in the Game of Thrones?

1:23pmNatalie Bochenski: Here is Natalie Bochenski's catch-up from the end of last season:

House Stark

How they fared: "Poorly" is an understatement. The Red Wedding dispatched King in the North Robb Stark and matriarch Catelyn, as well as Robb's pregnant wife Talisa. Arya was *this* close to seeing her family again before they were slaughtered, and was subjected to the horror of seeing her brother's decapitated body paraded with a wolf's head. Sansa was given a glimmer of hope, but schemes to marry her off to Slow Lorus were derailed by Tywin Lannister, who married her off to his son Tyrion in the hope their offspring will produce an heir to the north. Bran and Rickon escaped further injury, but have been split up, meaning the Starks are more scattered than Amanda Bynes after a big night.

Predictions: Arya will go to Braavos and learn to be a Faceless Man. Then she'll kill everyone. Bran will do Warg-y things beyond the Wall, perhaps get the use of his legs back through some magic merging with his direwolf or something. We probably won't see Rickon again for a while. Sansa will continue trying to hold off demands that she get preggers. Let's hope Tyrion can keep Joffrey away from torturing the poor thing anymore.

House Lannister

How they fared: High fives all 'round, really. Except for Jaime, of course. Joffrey remains about as appealing as sour rat's milk, but that's only to be expected. Tywin's mastery of politics was evident in shutting down the Tyrell's marriage schemes, and matchmaking his own kids.

Predictions: There will be a reckoning (mostly for Joffrey). Tyrion will have to do more work as the Master of Coin - remember that business about the kingdom being badly in debt? I'm hoping Jaime's experiences will prompt some juicy encounters with his relatives; I have no doubt Cersei will end up miserable as usual. Tywin seems untouchable. While I'd like to see him kicked around a little, Charles Dance is such good value, I'd hate to see Tywin leave the series.

House Baratheon

How they fared: Stannis remains slightly frustrated and impotent on Dragonstone. We discovered his actual wife was a few coffins short of a cemetery; suspending her dead male children in formaldehyde or goo or something. That was probably the freakiest shit all season. His love/hate relationship with Davos continued, with the Onion Knight continuing to endear himself to viewers with his friendly relationship with Shireen and learning to read. And Melisandre seems to be growing in power; finally agreeing with Davos that they've had the wrong end of the war the whole time.

Predictions: Stannis will go north, reassembling an army. Melisandre will continue doing hot, nude magic rituals and saying weird stuff. I hope Stannis learns to trust Shireen a bit more; I hope Gendry doesn't drown in that boat Davos sent him off in.

House Tyrell

How they fared: Like a flower, they bloomed then faded. Margaery/Kate Middleton did her best to instruct Joffrey in the ways of PR; Lady Olenna added delicious spice to the mix at King's Landing, and all those inside plots with Sansa, Slow Lorus and Varys were magic. But then Tywin through Littlefinger discovered them and the Tyrell influence was crushed underfoot.

Predictions: The much anticipated wedding of Joffrey to Margaery didn't happen. I assume it will come in Season 4, and no doubt it will be cringe-worthy. Hopefully Margaery makes it through the wedding night unscathed. Shudder. Slow Lorus is supposed to marry Cersei, but she seems to have other ideas.

House Targaryen

How they fared: Daenerys remains super hot, super cool, super fair and super determined to get her rightful throne back. After doing a bait and switch with that douchey slave trader Kraznys (that dragon-face-burning remains one of the highlights of the series), she captured the loyalty of mercenary Faabio and the Second Sons, then took the city of Yunkai, becoming mother to all of its people.

Predictions: Both her dragons and her loyal followers will grow, and Dany will probably traverse a few of the other Free Cities. But I suspect it won't all be smooth sailing and there may be three-way tussles for dominance between Jorah, Barristan and Faabio. She's got to still be a top pick to come out of this whole mess. One of her best decisions was recruiting Missandei; she is a brilliant minor character and I hope she's put to good use in Season 4.

How they fared: Decidedly sub-par, particularly for Theon. After weeks (months?) of torture at the hands of a psychopath (revealed to be Ramsay Snow, Roose Bolton's bastard), he suffered the cruellest cut of all. Dad Balon and sister Yara were nowhere to be seen until Episode 10, in which Yara pledged to go get him back.

Predictions: You can't lose your tackle and expect the fishing trip to be the same. Theon will be a broken man; his pride well and truly humbled. I don't think Ramsay Snow will kill him, but he may as well. Could Theon ever be of any use to anyone again? I like Yara but am hesitant to say she will achieve automatic victory over the Dreadfort. But if something happens to her, at least Balon might be spurred into action. But more likely he'll just die of crabs or whatever you catch on those miserable salty islands.

The Night's Watch

How they fared: Fair to middling. Jon Snow became a wildling long enough to fall in love, but it turned out Cupid's bow shoots some fairly nasty arrows. Can I get a three cheers for Sam Tarly? How brilliant is that chap? Escaping the slaughter of rebel Crows in Caster's Keep, then seeing Gilly and her baby safely back to Castle Black. Along the way he killed a White Walker and was able to equip the "Hodor Four" with weapons.

Predictions: With his cover blown and Mormont dead, Jon could take up a leadership role in what remains of the Watch. Remember there's a bunch of murderous ex-Crows out there; not to mention Ygritte, Mance Raydar and all the zombies and white walkers and such.