Letters I'll Never Send

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i’m not quite sure what you have over me. i’m utterly in love with you for no reason. yes, you were my first “love”, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first everything but i seriously don’t know why i can’t get over you. you were never the best boyfriend, and for awhile you were even a pretty shitty friend. You said you wanted to break up so that we could be friends forever because you would probably f**k up and i would end up hating you if we stayed together. which was probably the dumbest excuse i’ve ever heard. i’ve always wondered what about me you didn’t want to be with. was i not pretty enough? not smart enough? not funny enough? I’ll never know. Then we stop hanging out for awhile and i’m finally starting to really date other people and start letting people into my heart again and then out of the blue there you come; texting me to hang out after almost 5 months of no contact. and there i am again like putty in your hands. dropping everything and everyone to hang out with you. i’m literally stupid. you obviously just want to be friends and i put my whole life on hold to be your friend. if only you would realize that i think we have potential, but again i will try and move on. even though it’s been almost 3.5 years since we dated and i’ve yet to feel anything slightly close to what i felt about you with anyone else. when will i realize that my stupidity must end.