Oh right so remember that redheaded lady spy? Well Assistant FBI Director for Counterintelligence C. Frank Figliuzzi told the Independent that her ladytrap was about to trap someone but good! Tell us more, Spencer Ackerman?

“They were getting close enough to a sitting U.S. cabinet member that we thought we could no longer allow this to continue,” says C. Frank Figliuzzi, the assistant FBI director for counterintelligence, according to the Independent. That alleged — repeat: alleged — sexual “closeness” prompted Figliuzzi’s agents to shift from monitoring Chapman’s crew of ten spies to arresting them in 2010.

We can probably take Eric Holder out of the running, because Anna Chapman is not blonde, and all African American dudes love blonde ladies it is the law. And we can take out Sexy Grandpa Joe Biden, because you know Dr. Jill Biden keeps her man happy. SO who is it then? BESIDES all of them?

Here is an up-to-date list of Obama’s cabinet, but our Google-fu is not up to figuring out which ones were sitting cabineteers in 2010, when Anna Chapman and her gang of loveable goofballs was arrested by the FBI for trying too hard to do sex to all the officials. We got a fin says it was Hillary, in the Library, with Janet and Steve. And if it wasn’t, it will be in our next screenplay. Leave your slash/fic in the comments, as always.

One thing about geek lovin': we tend to try harder to make sure our partners are satisfied, instead of just caring about getting our own rocks off.

ElPinche

Exactly…its bidirectional like thermodynamics.

mayor_quimby

Sproing!!!

MissTaken

Geeks are sexy.

SorosBot

Aw, thanks and girl geeks are very sexy as well.

iburl

Now we're up in the big leagues,
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, Chu and me baby,
There ain't nothin wrong with that.

WunkRocker

gets a movin' on upfist

mayor_quimby

Why can't fish fry in the kitchen? I understand the beans rule, but fish?

el_donaldo

She'd be all like, "Steven, one night with you and I'll turn, please," and he'd be all, "No way, baby, I've got to jump in this TARDIS with the Doctor and save the universe again, and no, I ain't coming back for it."

http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

Department of Agriculture…she offered to service Vilsack's ball sack.
~

SorosBot

I'm sure the Russians wanted to get at those deep secrets about America's farm subsidies.

Negropolis

Since they totally don't have any experience in subisidizing their agriculture…oh, sorry. lol

You people are not in the loop. She wanted me & won. I told her everything.
She got fired.

Blueb4sunrise

I think it was the WH Cabinet Maker that she was getting close to.

Lascauxcaveman

He couldn't resist. She gave him wood.

axmxz

She was trying to get into his drawers.

prommie

Look, when you throw in the angle that you know, you just know, that Bill has been trying to work Hillz into a threesome for decades, it makes it a certainty, it was Hillary, egged on by Bill, angling for a three-way.

Jus_Wonderin

Though, the way I picture it, Bill is sitting at a distance in the dark. Only the slight amber glow of his cigar ash betrays that he is there.

Texan_Bulldog

I'm going with Salazar–bet he wanted to get in HER interior.

Boojum

Michelle?

A man can dream, can't he?

http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

Clue meets Octopussy meets Blazing Saddles.

Obamapussy!!!

Negropolis

If your blazing saddle lasts for more than four hours…

Steverino247

Compromising any one of them is the same as compromising all of them. They are all involved in enough high level briefings and meetings that there's not much secret between them. Even if the discussion is not about agriculture, the Secretary of Agriculture is still listening and, as a presumeably smart guy, might even have some input on the discussion at hand. If you want Defense Department secrets, you don't go at the SECDEF directly because he knows you want more than his recipe for dip. You go after the people the SECDEF hangs out with and might say something to at a meeting or in the elevator going up. My guess would be the person least likely to think his (because you know it's a guy since there's Russian pussy at stake here) position is appreciated by others (because showing you're interested in the unappreciated is the key to every manipulative relationship). This would mean, Commerce, Interior or Agriculture. Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy.

Jus_Wonderin

"because showing you're interested in the unappreciated is the key to every manipulative relationship"

Dammit! You just describde my relationship with my dog; that manipulative german Bitch!

DrBobNM

very good synopsis

Extemporanus

Secretary Chu divulged his recipes a mere week after Chapman was deported.

Coincidence? Or…DUHN-dun DUUHHHNNN?!

http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

You have an inordinate knowledge of tradecraft that would lead me to believe you are neither tinker, tailor nor soldier.

Steverino247

Let's just say I used to know a great recipe for dip and leave it at that.

V572 Hogan Gidley

" Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy."

SLIDE RULE LIBEL!

SorosBot

What's a slide rule?

V572 Hogan Gidley

You need one to pass your Calculus 5 (Differential Equations) class.

sullivanst

It helps you perform a Runge-Kutta.

Steverino247

It makes you immune to pussy, so stay the hell away from them!

Guppy

It's what we'll be forced to rely on after we overthrow the machines.

Steverino247

Engineer shows up at work with a new bike. Another engineer asked where he got it. First engineer said a woman was riding it, saw him, then got off the bike and took off all her clothes. "You can have whatever you want," she said. The second engineer said, "Good thing you took the bike because the clothes wouldn't have fit you."

Guppy

When something's never been much of an option for you to begin with, you tend to tune it out. Think of it as a Pavlovian reaction.

Or so I've heard.

Guppy

Chu is happy in his work and thinks like an engineer, so he's immune to pussy.

And what if she rolled a night elf in WoW?

Steverino247

He might fap to the toon, but only if he had the Nude Mod.

mayor_quimby

You scare me, I am locking mydick in a box, for America.

Negropolis

Chu is not at all happy in his work. He's probably the one the Congress beats up on the most for absolutely no reason, and my homestate liberals are pissed at him now because the administration has had to cut back spending on FRIB, and let him know it. This guy has got to be miserable. He can't do anything he wants to do because of politics.

magic_titty

For your information, Rebecca, I do not care for blondes. Unless said blonde is Gillian Jacobs. Then all bets are off.

Have you checked the medicine cabinet? For some reason I leave it there sometimesBut not this time.

Extemporanus

Thanks for the, um, tip, but I just found it lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven!

Ya got 17 bucks I cold borrow?

(True story…really!: King Missile played at the bar where I worked back in the early 90s, and as the new guy, I was tasked with fulfilling the detachable penis (i.e. dildo) portion of their rider. The poor thing went crowd surfing halfway through the song, and was never seen again. *sigh*)

DrBobNM

had to be Panetta. Chapman had close ties to Putin. Who else could it be (other than HRC)?

ElPinche

Agree. It has to be Panetta.

http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

It's not Hillary. Anna Chapman is not THAT desperate.

No one is.

prommie

Hey, she is KGB, she'd take a patriotic dive for Mother Russia.

hagajim

It has to be Geithner. After all, he was one of those Masters of the Universe types with all the sexytime connections in NYC – and besides, as a Wall Streeter he was gonna make it rain for the biyatch…either that or she offtered to tongue Tom's Vilsak….now there is some teabagging.

V572 Hogan Gidley

Actually Fivehead was a gummint employee all his life except for two years early in his career working for evil war dwarf Henry Kissinger. Paulson was the Gold Mansacks emeritus.

elviouslyqueer

Tim Geithner's out of the running, although he'd still call her up for snuggling, tickle fights, toenail-painting, and watching old Julia Roberts rom-coms when his boyfriend is out of town.

Negropolis

Really? Never got that vibe off of him.

Terry

You know, it would have been easier for Anna Chapman to bone a Cabinet Secretary if she'd been actually living in DC. You know, where the various Secretaries move once they are appointed to office.

Did she wait in random Starbucks in Manhattan and wait for a Cabinet Secretary to just happen by?

http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

Actually, this helps to narrow down our list of sexytimes espionage targets quite a bit.

Apropos of nothing, Timothy Geithner is from Westchester county, NY. My hometown, even; there was a Daily Show segment on how he was having trouble selling his house to move to DC.

http://www.wonkette.com John Birf Society

Kathleen Sebelius for the fap. Silver. Freakin'. Fox.

DocChaos

Apparently Ms. Chapman isn't the brightest bulb on the tree, so it was probably someone totally useless to the Kremlin – like the HUD secretary.

Terry

"Department of Commerce: Secretary John E. Bryson"

Back when old Anna was active, the DOC Secretary was Gary Locke, if I recall correctly.

Of course, this only proves that the FBI has a hard on for Obama and his socialistic godless, animist, Kenyan agenda. If the FBI were a true patriotic organization, it would have allowed Ms. Chapman to insinuate her way to a point that her involvement would have pulled down the usurper's administration.

Why does the FBI hate the United States?

thefrontpage

I slept with Anna Chapman, several times, including one time on the Ellipse during the Christmas season, near that big fire pit in the ground, behind that building, because it was warm there. It was about 3 in the morning, and no one caught us. I met her at an Adams Morgan bar. She was pretty hot. There were two Congressional staffers on the Ellipse with us, but they weren't Cabinet secretaries. Chapman was not working at those higher levels; in fact, she mostly worked the bars of Adams Morgan, Georgetown, Chinatown and Capitol Hill to get and get close to Hill staffers. Oh, and Chapman also had torrid affairs with Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and Christy O'Connell.

LastGasp

"C. Frank Figliuzzi"? Is that the Italian translation of J.Edgar Hoover?

LiveToServeYa

In Soviet Union Federalist Russia, cabinet-with-woody bones you!

Callyson

I say it's a catfight between Timmy Geithner and Panetta. Don't envy Anna Chapman either way.

owhatever

The Feebs had allowed this to go on for a while rather than saying, Hey Cabinet member, you're screwing a Russky spy. Stop it, already. You just gave handed your hottie the sunflower crop five-year projections for southwestern Kansas.

HippieEsq

It was BILL Clinton and yes the Russians just assume he's got a permanent chair in the Cabinet Room, given all the stains he left on it and such.

Schmegeg

I saw a picture of this woman. I have secrets. I will not play hard to get.

Extemporanus

Callouses are your friend, my friend.

ttommyunger

Janet "The Face" Napolitano, natch; them Ruskies like to make their money the hard way.

DahBoner

I'm voting for Alicia Silverstone in Legally Blonde, just because I like her pout…

mayor_quimby

Chu, or Geithner, both nerdy, hapless, and desperate enough to think power was gonna get them laid.
Both unaware that nobody gives a shit who, or knows who, they are. Easy marks, loose little trollops.