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Why Love Why?

I wish I could be stronger. Then I wouldn’t feel the need to cry, or be reminded of all the loveliness that causes so much pain.

Love and pain are almost one in the same. Love feels like too much desire, and pain is the desire itself. Does that make sense? My own feelings have a way of filling me up right to the top, and spilling all over myself…everything is just mess now.

I’m so happy it’s this way though. This hardness that no one talks about that you feel when love is so painful, it’s almost delightful.

I read somewhere that first loves can be one of the most devastating means of heartbreak. What if I’m devastated but not heartbroken. My heart is actually very much together. It just falls every now and again.

But this must be Jesus? This must be the way Jesus feels when we turn our hearts from him. That’s heartbreaking.

This man is always bugging my brain. His face is always showing up when I’m trying to have a good day; I’ll be going out, or seeing a friend, or just doing every day things. He ruins what was suppose to be a good day. He wonderfully makes the day bright, yet so very dark. This is a hard thing to go through. It’s like a flickering light bulb. How annoying.

But this is God isn’t it? It’s you right? Who else?

How can I know? It’s the way he makes me feel when he’s not even there. I’ll be looking at him, though that fuzzy screen, and WOW, it’s him! His shirt looks great…what a face, I love his face…and UH how I’ve waited to see him actually looking at me! With the same lovey look that I look at him with. It really gives me so much life. His far-a-way presence but also so close.

It’s hard to believe that these feelings have been felt over and over, and there expected but DARN, my senses make it feel like the first time they’ve felt such hurt. My feelings bully me everyday….hitting me at all my weak points.

But someday, I imagine that it won’t be like this at all.

It’s overwhelming to think that I’ll be walking into something new very soon. I never imagined that this is what 21 would be like. A future that involves a lot of love. A lot of it. With the BEST MAN EVER. He really is THE best. I had to put that out there..way into….the universe.

All I can think about is love, marriage, marriage vows, where and when our personalities WILL clash, cooking an actual meal of some sort, that whole ‘me’ to ‘we’ phenomenon, sharing everything, our possible dog, that whole Canadian to American change-over thing, the across the country (universe) moving part….I’m a wife…well…alright.