I'm at a loss of what to do.....my dreams have taken a turn for the worse over the past several weeks.....i am being raped in every imaginable way in my dreams and i wake up and just feel so violated, so worthless.....it has gotten so bad i've tried to quit sleeping, i get in my car and drive all night so i do not have to go to sleep....I just cannot live through that dream again...................................

I went to a gun shop a few days ago to buy a gun, but i was flagged and had to wait three days to pick it up, but those 3 days are now past...I've driven by the gun shop a few times the last couple of days, but have yet to go in to pick up the gun...........

My new therapist threatened to put me in the hospital a few days ago, but i just cannot face going back there....i have not been there in 18 months.....except for my heart surgery.........

I just do not know what to do......guess my decision to stop taking anti-depressants was not a very good idea a few months ago.....did not realize i'd sink this LOW............michaelb

This doesn't sound good. Call your therapist, or get yourself to an emergency room right away. Help is available for you. Your don't have to suffer. Things can be better for you. Meds can be the missing tool in your toolbox. Get help today.

Wuamei
Member
Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

Michaelb:

Don't even look into picking up the gun; cancel the order. It won't protect you from the dreams and there's no other reason to have it.

Do look into picking up some properly prescribed anti-depressants, after you see your doctor. If the ones you were using before were helping, good. If not, try something else. I went thru several before I finally found the one I've been on for years--the one that when I try to give it up or even cut it back I go thru a slice of hell on earth!

I've not had bad dreams quite like that in a long time. But I used to have several.

I was raped by a gay couple my mother sold me to when I was 10--a memory I promptly dissociated. For 5 years after I had a recurring nightmare in which I was falling down what for a long time seemed like a bottomless pit. Gradually as I fell further down I began to see the bottom. Night after night it got closer & closer. Finally, one night, just as I was hitting bottom, I woke up screaming. But I never had that nightmare again.

Still I did think about it thru the years. Only last year, after about 10 years of therapy 7 psychiatric care, when my abuse memories began to come back, starting with that rape, did I start to realize what the nightmare had been about & why it had ended.

At first I knew it was connected to that rape, and thot the nightmare ended after the last time I saw the rapists, trying to "visit" me at the children's home, when I stood up for myself & put them off, even threatened them. That may have been part of it. But I don't think I was yet 15 at that time. (Maybe that's when I started seeing the bottom?)

But then around Christmas last year (another reason this isn't my season to be jolly! ), memories of the times my mother incested me started coming back.

Now I know why I quit having the nightmare at age 15: that was when my mother quit coming to see me at the children's home & moved out West. Deep down, tho I didn't know exactly why then, I was glad I wouldn't be seeing her anymore.

While I know therapy, particularly my current T who I started seeing a couple years ago, contributed to this, I didn't talking directly about the dream in order to come to this, just like I wasn't talking about SA when I started remembering mine.

Now, while all dreams don't necessarily have any clear symbolic meaning (this one was pretty easy once I remembered the whole story), talking about your dreams with a good T might help.

Have you told your T the dreams yet, specifically? Do you know if the dreams are memories of real people & events of your past, or might they be more symbolic or just true memories trying to break thru your confusion & pain?

Just some thots.

As I was writing this I saw JMs post pop up & I affirm it. Please get help now, my friend.

Dear Michael, The despair in your words really moved me. But I'm going to tell you something, maybe not in a poetic way, but nevertheless, I hope it helps. Life is very fleeting Michael. We are only here for a very short time. There are people on this planet who are fighting tooth and nail to stay alive. They would do anything to have the strength and vitality that you and I take for granted. Death is very final and forever, with no guarantees. So, my own view is that we might was well stick around for the ride. It may be bumpy, but nevertheless, as long as there is life there is hope. Hope of change. Hope for happiness. Hope that we might help someone else. Dying will come soon enough anyways. And we're all going to get there eventually, and we'll all be dead for a very very long time. So let's make the most of this little prelude called Life. But even more importantly Michael. Someone out there loves you, cares about you. And you yourself have a lot of love to give. Just your experiences alone make you a wonderful candidate to give something invaluable to someone else, your advise, experience, touch. It may even be someone you haven't met yet. Many years ago I shared some of your more desperate thoughts. I even tried to act on them. The scars on my arms are proof of that. At the age of 17 I tried desperately to leave what I felt was an impossible existence. Thank god I was unsuccessful Michael. I had no idea at the time what life had in store for me. Nor do you now. Believe me, I know from my own experience (which I'm learning is not unique) that from the deepest pain is born the greatest joy. If you can experience one, then you have the capacity to experience the opposite. I urge you to follow Wuame's and JamesMichael's advise. You must get to a hospital immediately Michael. You may or may not be admitted. The most important thing is that there be intervention. Obviously you need to be on some effective meds. I wish only the very best for you Michael. I know that you are courageous and will give yourself a chance. You deserve it. Your friend, Andrew .....there is no courage without anxiety

I remember a few years ago when my psychiatrist put me on a new medication and forgot to renew my old one. She thought she was suplementing my existing meds, but gave me the impression she was switching me. I was only taking 5 mg and 30 is standard, but going off cold turkey was devistating. It took me a long time to climb out of that hole.

My new psychiatrist tells me NEVER to go off meds without a doctor's care. Nobody can handle that.

My brother was raped by the pedophile ring that operated through our local cub scouts that got me when he was 11. He was on meds since he was in his early 20's when he remembered. He decided to end his medication because "it just wasn't him" and shortly after he tried to commit suicide by driving his car into a tree at 60 mph.

Going off your meds without a doctors help is imposible. Please call him asap!

If anybody is wondering, i am still alive.....I stopped by my therapist's office to pick up some paperwork and she cornered me into a meeting...back to the hospital, this time for 8 days....the psychiatrist told me i need to forgive myself....IS THAT POSSIBLE????????I was released this morning into a meeting with my therapist....I thanked her for the help, she did what was best for me i guess.....she and i have to decided to put the abuse on the back burner and to work on better coping skills....CAN SUICIDE NOT BE THE ANSWER??????The dreams have subsided thanks to the new medications.....resperdol and effexor.....plus i was put back on my heart medications, guess it was a good thing......I was scolded by my therapist regarding not just asking her for help by going to the hospital...I knew it was for the best, but it is so damn hard for me to solicit help, i think she thought i was playing games with her, being coy and unresponsive....i try to be as honest as possible, but sometimes it is so hard!!!!!! Do you guys feel that way too?????Well, just wanted to let you guys know i am still breathing and hopefully acquiring better coping skills....Thank you all for caring..............michael

Wuamei
Member
Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

Michaelb:

Yes I have been wondering & I've been praying for you too.

"CAN SUICIDE NOT BE THE ANSWER??????"

Yes--suicide can not be the answer!

Glad to hear you're working on coping skills. Join the club, friend! Do I feel like it's hard to be honest, to open up about stuff? Again, join the club, Michael!

"...i need to forgive myself....IS THAT POSSIBLE????????"

Yes. And the first thing to do is to figure out what you actually did wrong, if anything. What is it you can't seem to forgive yourself about? If it's about being abused, that was not your fault so there's nothing to forgive yourself for.

Welcome back Michael. Glad you're breathing and coping & surviving & getting the medication & support you need. Stick around a while longer this time if you can, ok? Take care.

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