How to diagnose and cure senioritis

A threatening seasonal disease is striking almost a quarter of Conant students once again.

Visits to the nurse’s office have risen exponentially since winter break. The nurse has reported the following issues*:

Sluggishness

Irritable

Slow response time

Racoon eyes

Lack of emotion

Blank stares

Constant groaning

Lifelessness

No, this is not a zombie plague. It is Senioritis.

Seniors all over the school are becoming lifeless. This disease does not discriminate within the senior class. Anyone can catch this disease, no matter their GPA, ambition, or work ethic.

Please consider reaching out for medical attention if you notice you or a friend experiencing any of the following symptoms:

Excessive victimization about receiving bad grades

Lack of remorse for all the “missings” in the grade book

Lack of any motivation

Constant episodes of forgetfulness about responsibilities

Lashing out at innocent teachers

Selective memory loss

Iced coffee cravings

Summer time hallucinations

Chronic sweatpants wearing

Frequent trips to the “bathroom”

Napping in the front row

Test fever

“Every day feels like a Monday” blues

Disappearance from extracurricular activities

Managing to get zeros on completion grades

Turning in a quiz half blank

Humming “Pomp and Circumstance”

Exercise caution when confronting these individuals. The only type of problem-solving these students are doing is “How to not exceed five absences?” Senioritis can get so bad that afflicted students don’t even care about exceeding their five absences and embrace bombing their finals.

To combat Senioritis, take several doses of sunlight and fresh air. Limit social media time and just get some work done. It helps to stay organized, so contact your primary care physician for a prescription of a daily planner. Set reachable short term goals to keep on track. Make lifestyle changes like eating healthy or exercising. Before you know it, prom and graduation will be here. These ideas can also serve as precautionary measures to take to avoid catching the disease.

Senioritis can vary in severity among the population. Some individuals start experiencing symptoms as early as junior year, and others inconveniently get hit right before AP testing.

Unfortunately, teachers are not officially trained to combat Senioritis in their students. Some teachers try to do their part by accommodating their lesson plans around this disease.

It is important to try to keep Senioritis under control. Otherwise, in some serious cases, students can perform horribly academically and get rescinded from their college. Contact your doctor before symptoms become irreversible.

*This article is satire. The Crier has not consulted the school nurse about senioritis.