Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

Come on you all .... I cannot seem to post any jokes any more with you all being offended . I am not bashing any one and I have put so many jokes in this thread and this is the first time any one has commented this way ... I don't think I will be putting any here for a while . Thanks .

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
​

A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

B: Yes.

A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companiesafter me and so I decided to talk to you first.

B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact onsales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to thiscompany for over a decade.

B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offeryou a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How doesthat sound?

A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament, to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going.""Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a highway patrolman pulled us over as we were driving along the freeway. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

Grandma's Visit
"Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.

Pet Parrot A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"