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Your Portal to Unlimited Golf Power

At the PGA Golf Merchandise Show, back in January, I acquired a bunch of wristbands and other accessories that are supposed to give golfers an edge by allowing them to personally harness the power of titanium, magnets, ions (or “ions”), and the kind of shimmery holographic images you see on credit cards. I made fun of all that stuff in a column and a video. Since the show, though, I’ve discovered that I kind of like wearing worthless crap on my wrist while I play golf. In the photo above are the three wristbands I’m wearing at the moment. From left to right:

An IonLoop, which provides “all the natural benefits of earth magnets and negative ions: quicker sports recovery, better sleep, stress management, natural energy, better concentration and focus, less stiffness and soreness.” Also rust, apparently. But I’ve started wearing it magnet-side-down, to keep the rust out of view. Besides, who says a little rust on your wrist doesn’t give you ten extra yards off the tee?

A barbed-wire thing, which I got in Bogota, Colombia, on a non-golf reporting assignment for The New Yorker. A woman I interviewed was wearing about a dozen of them, and when I asked about them she gave me one. It’s meant as a protest against Venezuelan kidnappers, who sometimes hogtie their victims with barbed wire. It’s made of plastic, rather than wire, so wearing it doesn’t hurt, and it attracts a lot of attention. Plus, ten extra yards off the tee.

A Tri-Balance bracelet, which allows me to hedge my gullibility bet by harnessing “the power of a hologram wristband, an ionic bracelet, and magnet therapy in one easy to wear bracelet.” This, according to a website, is also known as “the power of 3.” Result? Ten extra yards off the tee.