the japing ape

Friday, July 01, 2005

Why this blog?

Warmest Greetings to all my naked little primate cousins in cyberspace. Let me introduce myself. I am a mature male gorilla who mis-spent many years of his youth with a travelling circus, performing tricks for your kiddies and pulling rude faces at your grannies. Although the work was as boring as hell, it gave me the chance to observe closely what you big-headed ape-men call “civilization”. Don’t get wrong. I am no enemy of your species and have many human friends whom I visit from time to time. My only wish is to offer you some friendly advice from an outside perspective. Like when you humans pay someone you don’t know to listen to all your personal problems and tell you it’s not your fault because someone groped you when you were a child. Only in this case it’s free. A gorilla with a harem and an unlimited supply of fruit and veg has no need for money.

Now, what is the problem with your lives? Well, it seems to me, my hairless little chums, that you have lost touch with reality. Instead of living, you talk about living, and even talk about people who do nothing but talk about living. A lot of you, for example, spend hours and hours reading story books. Now the stories may be full of action, with fighting, and mating, and fighting about mating. But reading about this stuff is no substitute for actually doing it. If you were really doing what you were reading about, there would be NO NEED to read about it! Reading about it is just a way of imagining you are doing it when you’re not! All this unreality leads to what you humans call the “stress of modern living”. But I call it the “DISTRESS of modern living”. You skulk about with long faces, repressing the universal primate instinct to dance from place to place while shaking your backsides and fondling each other. We hairy apes have an unkind description for you: UPRIGHT AND UPTIGHT.

So the aim of this blog is to help you to unwind and laugh at yourselves. And if my efforts in this direction cause just one of you to loosen up and discover the inner ape struggling to get out, it will all have been worthwhile.

Gorilla Bananas

P.S. This blog is being written with the assistance of Dr Larson Whipsnade, my business partner and English tutor.