It’s Superbowl Sunday in the United States, and we all know what that means. Basically it involves millions of overweight macho men parking their ample arses on the couch and quaffing endless quantities of beer as they become transfixed by the spectacle of a bunch of big dumb galoots running around in a field for a bit chasing an egg shaped ‘ball’ and then battering their hapless spouses if their chosen team fails to win.

And all in full body armour.

Occasionally the play even interrupts the endless stream of advertisements, but to be fair, the event has garnered quite a reputation for its half time spectacular ‘shows’ – which usually feature some faded old music business has-been and a few fireworks.

Proper Football Fans Don’t Don’t Eat Double Cheeseburgers

This kind of thing grips America, and whips the excitement up to fever pitch, but here in Britain the vast majority of us don’t give a toss. Most of us think it’s a crap game, and not worthy of the ‘Football’ tag; it’s more like catch, in the same way that baseball is sneered at for being like rounders. Anyway, the thing is that we don’t give a toss about your Superbowl, and here are ten reasons why:

1 – Bowls are for fruit, cornflakes and porridge. There’s nothing super about bowls – they’re just bowls that you can put crap in to keep the place tidy. Crap like salad, punch, rice and custard. Bowls are just bowls.

2 – The whole thing is a con. During a touchdown the ball doesn’t have to be touched down. A ‘play’ isn’t a play at all – as in a theatrical production – it’s just when somebody lobs the ‘ball’ and somebody catches it before falling over. Then it’s done. Not a play. A ‘Hail Mary’ isn’t a prayer – it’s when the bloke who catches the ball throws it as high and as far as he can because he can’t think of anything else to do.

3 – It comes on our TV in the early hours of the morning, so it isn’t worth the effort to stay awake. It would bore most Brits to sleep if they played at three o’ clock on a Saturday afternoon, our time, let alone in the wee small hours.

4 – All the teams have really stupid names. Giants, Jets, Cowboys, Vikings, Packers, Patriots, Seahawks, Cardinals, Lions, Saints, Raiders – what do those names have to do with football of any description? None. Over here we call our teams sensible names, traditional names like City, United, County and Celtic. If we had an FA Cup Final between, say, Leicester Masai Warriors and Nottingham Soldiers Of Fortune we’d probably rip it all up and start again. Daft names – daft game.

5 – It’s crap. Nobody else in the world is interested in your stupid game. We have our own football, which everybody in the world loves because it’s more skilful, faster paced and a great deal more intelligent than yours. Also, our footballers go the whole 90 minutes, not seven seconds before they need a rest and a chug on an oxygen cylinder. Superbowl? I’ve had more fun watching darts down the pub.

6 – You Americans keep telling us that football is a man’s game, and that our football is a sissy sport. Try telling that to Roy Keane, Wayne Rooney or Vinny Jones – they’d punch your bastard lights out. Try telling Manchester City’s legendary goalkeeper Bert Trautman that – he played on in a cup final with a broken neck, or Stuart Pierce who completed an England game soaked in two pints of his own blood from a head wound. People get injured all the time in football, and most play on – unless the injury is something trivial like a shattered leg, a busted up skull or a snapped ligament.

7 – We Brits are more inclined to spend our time watching something civilised – like Antiques Roadshow, or Downton Abbey.

8 – One thing which we will concede is that, as in your bastardised version of football, there is cheating. Our footballers dive without being brought down in order to try to win a penalty, and gambling syndicates have been known to attempt to influence games, but to the best of our knowledge, never in the history of our beautiful game has anyone EVER been accused of tampering with their balls. That would be ungentlemanly and exceedingly bad form.

9 – If the Superbowl is so good, how come you’ve been trying for years to flog it to the world and how many times does the world have to tell you that we’re not remotely interested before you stop? We don’t give a fig who wins your ‘world’ championship. It’s a crap game. Get over it, and yourselves.

10 – We hear about fans at American football games having barbecues in the car park and drinking beer together. We see them in the stands, guzzling down hotdogs and cheeseburgers and politely applauding. Where’s the fun in that? We invented a phenomenon called ‘hooliganism’ which basically involves rival fans trying to beat the crap out of one another in the stands, the car parks, and the streets surrounding the stadium. It’s a classic British combination – a few pints, football and a bloody good fight. You’ll never be able to compete with that.

In summary, we aren’t anti-American here at the Café – we quite like most of you (even one or two of the Republicans, in spite of their strange political views) it’s just that we have been in love – as has the rest of the planet – with the beautiful game, and we tend to get defensive when Americans (and it only is Americans) try to put their game on some higher plane than ours. It isn’t a better game. It’s bloody rubbish. Message over.

A spokesman claiming to represent right wing extremist group Britain First today claimed that BF had rejected offers of eternal kinship from the Islamic State. In a carefully prepared statement, the alleged ‘spokesman’ told anyone who’d listen as he shouted from a bullhorn in London’s Trafalgar Square:

“Britain First was approached via an email in the early hours of Wednesday requesting that we ought to align with the Islamic State in a gesture of global brotherhood.

“Britain First totally reject any such overture. We have nothing in common with ISIS. All they seem to want is to establish a state based on their own ideology, with complete disregard for anyone who disagrees with their extreme viewpoints. They are prepared to perpetrate extreme violence, sectarianism, forcing women to make the tea – and that is distinctly not what Britain First is all about. We don’t go around telling people what to do, and chopping their heads off if they disagree with us. At least – not just yet. And anyway – they’re foreigners. We are working in the interests of our fellow patriots in rejecting these overtures – next thing is they’ll be coming over here stealing our benefits and taking council houses off deserving British drug addicts, and we’re not having that.”

The alleged spokesman repeated the statement several times to a crowd of bewildered Japanese tourists, until a pigeon shat on his head and he beat a hasty retreat towards the Strand whilst shouting a stream of colourful expletives.