Thursday, December 18, 2008

The world is doomed. If global warmening don't getcha, global spinning will.

Yep, Global Spinning is the next religion to be foisted onto the world now that Greens hero Angela Merkel has delivered the coup de grace to AGW. Like all capitalists, the Greens know you just have to deliver new products or your business dies and Adolf's spies tell him that the cops' spy at the Green Party's office knees up has stumbled upon their latest effort, from which only adherence to neanderthal living conditions can save us.

AGS

Accelerated Global Spinning

The Greens have discovered that little by little (imperceptibly - that's for the intellectuals), the rate of spin to which the world subjects itself is increasing. The consensus amongst the scientific community will be announced on inauguration day - the world will spin out of control by the end of this millennium - and Barack Obama will become the Messiah of Global Spin.

Computer models have been used to track the recorded speed of spin over the past nine years in New Zealand and the South Pacific and to produce projections for the future. Apparently the phenomenon of AGS has been well known for some time amongst the fundamentalist environment movement in NZ but now it is becoming mainstream as research grants for its ailing cousin AGW dry up. It's all to do the rate at which we humans consume energy and the consequent effect on tectonic plates.

Every time we put up a new wind farm, we deprive the wind of of it's natural energy level. Everyone knows that for every reaction there is a reaction and when you take the piss out of the wind then the world rotates faster because it has that much less force holding it back. Hitherto unnoticed, the effects are multiplying exponentially until one day, when it's too late, we try to turn back the clock and, like a lot of shagging little Shane Warnes, we are globally spun out for good. The horrors will be unimaginable as people are flung into the stratosphere by the sheer magnitude of centrifugal force.

So what has this to do with tectonic plates?

This is the really nasty bit. As the rate of AGS increases, so does the rate at which the great rift valleys of the world, like gigantic vaginas with ever dilating labia, push their respective tectonic plates toward each other. This explains why there have been so many massive earthquakes lately. It's not global warming that has been causing it. Instead the good oil now is that the real culprit is Accelerated Global Spinning. (Oh yeah, just for the pee coilers, here's a juicy little bit from Wiki "As a result the new sea will evaporate (partially or completely) several times before the elevation of the rift valley has been lowered to the point that the sea becomes stable. During this period of evaporation large evaporite deposits will be made in the rift valley. Later these deposits have the potential to become hydrocarbon seals and are of particular interest to petroleum geologists.") So there you all go, oil is a renewable resource! !

The Greens haven't yet figured out a scheme for solving the problem yet but taxing Western Civilization to death is top of the probabilities list.

However, the good news is that before we combine with Australia the world will have ended.

5 comments:

Anonymous
said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA

Just what i needed at after a monster session on the vino. i know the room was spinning at an accelerated rate last night, but i thought it was just the piss fairy coming to pay her respects. Now i know the truth.