LTT gets Legal

Before we jump full swing into Eclipse mode, I feel we need to revisit New Moon & address some things we left out when discussing it incessantly over the past, oh, I dunno, year or so. While watching the movie with my hubby this weekend, (THAT review will be shared soon!) I was reminded of HOW AWKWARD it is to watch these movies with outsiders. I always feel the need to stop every 5 seconds and explain what is going on. Or explain what was going on in the book to make them come to this decision in the movie. Or explain how the book did it better. Or explain how it was less cheesy in the book. Or explain how Bella was less bitchy last time I remembered….

Here are a few things I meant to discuss long ago:

When Jake visits Bella at school on her birthday and they’re discussing Jacob’s Rabbit, Bella asks, “Is it fast?” (Awkward pause) Jacob, “Not really….” Ummmmmmm WHY? Why did this have to happen? Was it necessary to kill 15 seconds with utter awkwardness right there? If you were looking for something to fill that time, you could’ve asked me. My answer would have been LEG HITCH or the New Moon equivalent. (Hand-holding in the Volturi hallway- FAIL- I’m still pissed that scene wasn’t included)

Their English teacher, Mr. Birdy, looks like Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World!

How does no one think it’s odd that when Sam finds Bella he has his shirt off? I feel like we already discussed this or at LEAST mentioned it, but why aren’t people more in an uproar? WE understand that Sam is a wolf and therefore wears his jorts on a cord around his ankle & runs around shirtless, but no one else does. It was raining out. It was chilly. Doesn’t Charlie, the cop, think it’s odd that an older, shirtless guy finds his daughter and he’s half naked? Isn’t he concerned that maybe Sam got a little freaky? Shouldn’t we see Chris Hansen popping out of the trees? Or maybe the 15 seconds wasted on the Rabbit conversation could’ve been used here. Charlie asks: “Why the hell is your shirt off, Sam?” Sam: “I’m a wolf therefore I’m used as sex appeal in this movie because Robert Pattinson is gone for the next hour and 1/2 I had to use it to dry off Bella’s face and I left it in the woods.” There done.

I'm sorry- who are you?

After Bella finds out that Jake is a wolf & they are at Emily’s, Jacob saunters up to the house being the only boy fully clothed. Not only that, but he has this look. It’s this cocky look like he knows he’s the shit. It’s hot. It’s a different Taylor and a different Jacob. The baby voice leaves us for a second & he just looks like a man. Gone are my visions of him on the cover of People mag in 3 years with the caption “YES- I’M GAY” while Big Daddy is in the background, with ketchup on his polo shirt. Just for those few minutes I can see Taylor as a grown up, sexy man- growing a little taller- fitting his muscles a little bit more- deepening his squeaky voice. Honestly, it looks like he lost his virginity the night before. I can’t tell if it’s Jacob who got freaky with a female wolf in the woods or if it was Taylor who gave it up. Either way I’m kinda feeling like Nikki Reed was involved. She either morphed into wolf form & took Jacob’s vcard or snuck into Taylor’s hotel room the night before. Possibly Forcefully.

When Bella tells Charlie that she needs a “girls night out” I appreciate the try, but it sounds more like a tom boy trying to convince her mom she wants to buy some Jimmy Choo’s. Or she’s being sarcastic and really IS having a girls night out… with “Ilikebigboobs41″ who she met on dykesRUs.com

In the garage when Bella meets Quil & Embry she says to them, sarcastically, “Oh- you have girlfriends now!?” And …. I just don’t get it? What does she mean? I’ve read the books & seen the movie 7 times… and every time I have NOT gotten that joke. What am I MISSING here!?

And THEN Jacob calls Mike a MARSHMALLOW? I mean #1 I don’t know what that is. And #2 Is that what the kids are saying these days? Because I’m PRETTY SURE a normal 16 year old isn’t going to call a dude he doesn’t like the name of a delicious snack that goes well with chocolate and graham crackers after being cooked over a fire. And #3 forget what I said above about forgetting Jacob is a soon-to-be-out-of-the-closet teen. I remember again.

This is one of my other favorite parts from the brilliance screenplay: Jake: “Bella, you’ve been lying to everyone … Charlie…. (awkward pause) ” Then he stops because he realizes she hasn’t been lying to anyone else….

And whyyyyy hasn’t it even been discussed or put on a Tshirt that it sounds like Jacob is trying to come out to Bella when she confronts him about being a wolf. “Bella, this isn’t a LIFESTYLE choice. I was BORN this way!” It feels a litttttle too much like Bobby is trying to tell his mommy that he wants to take Billy to the prom instead of Barbara

I could go on & on… and for sure I’d make at least 6 other gay references. I have no idea why I just made so many- but it’s like they all just HIT me when I watched the DVD this weekend!

Here’s for less gay jokes and more “oohs and ahhs” over hot LEG HITCH scenes in Eclipse,
UnintendedChoice xo

Before we retire New Moon forever (until our 10 year LTT world-wide tour) what have you noticed lately that we’ve never discussed? Did Yorkie seem the straightest of them all during your last viewing? Do you feel as awkward as I do when watching the movie with a first-timer!?

It’s a Monday and you might be on your 3rd cup of coffee looking to wake up and shake off the tireds. But you can’t, I know. In fact you’re probably looking pretty haggard when you catch your glimpse in the reflection of the coffee pot in the break room and wondered, ‘when the crap did I age 20 years?’ You’re definitely not eternally 17. So I was thinking if normal people feel this way than the twi folks have to have a few haggard days themselves. Since we could all use a pick-me-up and helped out with the site In 20 Years that Brooke sent me, I present you some of our Twilight folks… IN TWENTY YEARS!

First up we have Rob…
Hmmm… they usually say men get better with age… but it appears as though Rob’s eyebrows have just grown with age. And he may just have a drooling problem…

Daaamn and we thought present day Kristen was a hardass… look at what 20 years and some smokes will do to you… Joan Jett, midlife crisis movie here she comes!

Then it was Taylor’s turn and a funny thing happened…I put this picture in, but kept getting this back
Looks like the apple (or the double bacon cheese burger) doesn’t fall far from the tree…

Follow the cut to see an extra special treat AAANNNDDD an extra special announcement. Spoiler alert it may involve tshirts

Happy Birthday! If you remember your birthday at all last year (If I recall you went on a pub crawl, so you may not) we celebrated your birthday on LTT with birthday greetings from the Cullens.

Well, they’re too busy this year impressing men with their ability to fight as opposed to letting us women peek in our their most intimate moments together, which is why we liked their story in the first place (no I didn’t just watch the Oprah Eclipse trailer for the first time & noooo I don’t think they’re pushing hard to capture a male audience. Why would you think that!?) so I thought I’d check in with some our favorite Twilight actors & LTT-characters for birthday wishes for you. Well, let me be clear- I have no interaction with these people… but if I did, I’m SURE this is what they’d say:

Jackson:

Moon for your birthday I promise to shower & look like my picture to the left for at least 24 hours. PLUS, I’ll even put down the guitar and come over and watch all my episodes from The OC with you. Then I’ll act out the baseball scene from Twilight. And show you what else I can do with my bat.

Rob:

I know that every time I’m photographed out and about some where in LA you lament, “UH why was he THERE? He needs ME to show him where to hang out in LA.” Well, for your birthday I’ll let you be my LA travel guide. We can start with brunch at the little cafe down the hill from your house where UC loves to get coffee (you know- the one across from the pot smoker’s coffee shop- if we wanna stop in there later, I know a girl who can score us some weed), and then we’ll hit the thrift shops that the paparazzi don’t know about, followed up by a trip to Amoeba Music to check out their record collection (Slightly obvious, but I figured you would’t HATE it if we happened to get photographed together). Then you can show me some of LA’s best, unknown beaches and after laying out in the sun Tyler & Ally style we’ll go back to your place for a little dance party- since I know you love those- but it’ll just be you and me. How does that sound? And I’d like to see your record collection so if you wanna lead me up to your bedroom and show me where you keep the music… well, then.. I wouldn’t mind lounging on your bed while you educate me with your fine music skills….and if you want to lounge on your bed also… I won’t mind. I’ll even pretend not to notice the Edward Cullen pillowcase starting up at me from the head of the bed… After the records are over I hope you don’t mind if I pick up the guitar in the corner by your closet. I wrote a little something with you in mind… I might mumble it while lounging on your bed, if that’s okay with you. It’s okay if you get emotional. It’s okay if you stare intently at me- I’ll be staring back. If you need me to hold you I’ll do that too, but I promise you… I have bigger plans in mind….I always treat my travel guides with the utmost care & respect. And after all, we both deserve a “happy ending” [Uh, is it getting hot in here? And did I just say that about a Moon/Rob fantasy?)

After the jump, find out if Moon gets her birthday wish- a Fake Lesbian story starring her, Nikki & Kristen! Continue reading →

I did a lot of thinking while I was on vacation last week. I tried not to, but as I laid on the beach, relaxing to the tunes on my iPod, feeling the salty breeze flow over my body, my mind drifted. And I know you know what that means. Yes. I thought about you all. And of Twilight. On vacation. I thought specifically about the lives of these stars that Moon & I write about each and every day. And I started pondering WHY we’re so enamored with them.

A few weeks ago, Moon & I were talking about how it seems like Taylor has no friends. Sure he has Big Daddy, and WE know he’s all the friend anyone could ever need, but Taylor’s an 18 year old guy. He shouldn’t yet be in the mindset of “I have a really cool dad who always knows how to get the best table at a national food chain.” He should be watching porn with his bros & getting crap from them for letting Taylor Swift drive HIM around Hillsboro village in Nashville last week (Oh, did I forget to mention my friend’s boss saw them drive by? Oops- it’s true.) And I’m not so sure Dakota has too many friends. Sure maybe there’s that girl who lent her a pencil once in Spanish class, but most 16 year olds are constantly surrounded by an entourage of gal pals (then again, most 16 year olds haven’t made more than I’ll ever make by the time they were 5…). And while she’s the originator of the fake lesbian– the girl bff- Kristen Stewart has never really been seen publicly with anyone other than costars or lovers. What do Taylor, Dakota & Kristen have in common? Twilight err Oprah err all think Rob is hot err NO! Child Stars. So I got thinking about how many people want to be friends with celebrities. I hear people talk all the time about being BFFs with Kristen and how they’d love to be her friend.. people say that all the time about all sorts of celebs- Hell, I even say it.. but why?

Do your friends do THIS with you!?

If you know me at all in real life, you’ve probably heard about the friends I love dearly. Pardon me while I brag, but I have incredible friends. My friends run their own companies. They make me laugh- like could be on a comedy tour kind of laugh. They are artists, musicians and creators. They are extremely educated and smart, and yet half the time instead of talking to them I choose to blog about celebrities? Why? Sure Kristen uses big words from time to time and has an allure about her that might be mysterious and interesting to some, but I don’t think she’s ANY more interesting than any of the incredible people in my life. And Ashley has a smokin’ bod & a bitchface to rival Kstew’s, but give any of my friends a trainer, stylist & hair extensions and they’d be competing for the same modeling gigs she is.

What are we so interested in about celebrities? Their stories from being famous? That they are world-traveled? That they have money? That they “know” people? But who cares about the people they “know?” I just explained above the people I know. Give my friend Scott the level of celebrity that Rob has and he’d be much more alluring and better spoken- guaranteed. My husband is just as talented as any famous musician out there- I’d say that even if I didn’t sleep with him- and I can go on and on naming my friends & their talents. The only difference between with them and celebrities is that celebrities got a break. They were a few of the lucky, talented (or beautiful and untalented or just really lucky) who got through- very few do.

Come see my many talents

And it’s one thing to obsess over celebrities in general, but then we’re talking the TWILIGHT cast!? Some will argue for Kristen or Rob’s talent. Most will agree that Dakota is pretty legit, but no one seriously thinks Taylor is gonna win any sort of award except for “Kept me in business for the most time in years 2008-2009″ from Chris Hansen. Yet we talk about him over and over and over again. WHAT is it!? WHY is it!?

I know all these things, yet I still DESIRE to talk about celebs because their lives seem so much more interesting. But are they? Kristen may get to travel the world but at what cost- do those things matter if there’s no one really close to share it with? Did Rob ENJOY Budapest while being there? He might as well have been in Jersey, shooting in some old warehouse in Camden. And while going out to the Olive Garden with dad is cool the first couple of times, eventually….. that’s just a little sad….

I kind of feel bad for the Twi celebs- especially those who were sort of brought up in the world of the rich & famous- it’s one thing to not be able to go grab a burger in LA without getting photographed, but to have few close relationships? That makes me kinda sad….. Until I remember how much richer than are than me…. Never mind…

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Do you ever wonder why we’re so obsessed with celebrity culture? And specifically the celebs of Twilight? Do you agree that Tay, Dakota & Kristen seem to be semi-friendless? Wanna write them REAL letters & see if they wanna be pen pals?

Are you sad now that Taylor’s 18 and he no longer needs you? Have you and Chris Hansen met up at Buffalo Wild Wings for all-you-can-eat hot wings night because both of your schedules are virtually empty? Did you guys cry into your pitcher of domestic beer and hold each other because if there’s no need to babysit Taylor or bust us pervs than there’s no reason to live?

I saw these pictures of Taylor today and all I could think about was how sad you must be. There’s just something missing from a Taylor airport picture when you’re not in it! Sure, he’s rocking the obligatory leather jacket and that’s nice to look at for a hot minute but then I get anxious, I want to see YOU and the dad belt cell phone, pushing the luggage cart, looking for a Pizza Hut Express, thinking about ordering the personal pan pizza AND the bread sticks. What are we going to do now!? What are YOU going to do now?

Good thing I have a lot of time on my hands (read: none, I’m writing this at 1 in the morning but I love you, so I don’t care) because I came up with some ideas for you…

No, that's not an Egg McMuffin in my carryon this time, sir

Stuff you can do with your free time:
01. Finally look into those fast food franchise opportunities! I’m sure the valley needs a Sonic or a Chick Fil A (PLEASE!) and what quiet neighborhood doesn’t need a McDonald’s on the corner of their block?

03. Take Taylor’s Audi out for a joy ride. Call the paps and tell them “Taylor” is going to Morton’s, show up and peel out in front of them wearing your dad Oakleys. Cruise the Disney lot for some fresh meat to take to lunch. Leave fast food trash behind the front seat for Taylor to find when he comes home.

04. Get drunk on your personal supply of Olive Garden’s house wine. Drunk dial Selena Gomez and reminisce about “the good ol days.”

OH NO, I just thought of this: this means NO Big Daddy in Vancouver for reshoots??!!!! My reason for living is OVER!

Good bye world!
Themoonisdown

Ehhhh not to so fassssttt………………………………………..

Oh hai there prepare for #charitytweets and #jesustweets and #straighttweets

After a long hard day of whatever it is I do in my real life I came home to see a tweet saying your brother (who knew you had a brother, let alone who knew his twitter handle? Obvious we’re NOT REAL fans) had tweeted a mysterious new account called “@kellanlutz” so quicker than you can say “youth group lock in” I got myself over there to check it out. I needed to know if you had finally joined the insanity… and I found this…

enlarge this to break it down

So I started dissecting that thing like no bodies business and here’s the reasons I came up with that I think this is your official twitter…

Reasons I think @kellanlutz is for realz:
01. The profile pic is of you at a Cardinals game (holla AZ!) with some dudes crotches behind you that we’ve never seen before

02. the name @kellanlutz – what weirdo faker didn’t already have this? This HAS to be official or twitter ganked it for you on your behalf

06. Your first tweet references being a “light to this world” – YUP, jesus lover

07. You’re following @samantharonson – You love lesbians both real and fake and since Kristen doesn’t have a twitter you had to go with the next best option.

So without having the hallowed verified check mark or emailing your people and having them call our people, cause who has time for that? These are the reasons I KNOW it’s you. And I’m here to say, it’s alright… I know you read us and it’s ok for you to follow us. Just do it… press that “follow” button… NOW!

Sooooo what will we do without Big Daddy? What other stuff could he do with his free time now? Do you think @KellanLutz if for realz? How long do you think it will take before he gives in and follows us? I’m on a mission. We broke down Kaleb Nation in a week… can we get Kellan Lutz? What other indicators make you think that’s the real KL?

Stuff:
Dudes it’s that time again… time to empty out the DVR and make room for Eclipse! The lovely Jena has made an all new Eclipse DVR alertpage over on the forum. CHECK IT before you wreck it.

Something has been bothering me lately (not really), I’ve spent countless hours pondering this… I feel that it is vital (pointless) to get a better understanding of Taylor. Now, he’s finally legal, having just celebrated his 18th, what did he do? I know Big Daddy Lautner would splurge on a birthday cake for his big boy, and sure there were hats and balloons but… and this is what bothers me… Were his friends there? Does he HAVE friends???

We have only ever seen him with his ex, Swifty (<3), the Disney chick who’s name I don’t care to remember and Big Daddy of course and countless other nameless faces (probably his management, and ALL ADULTS!) What normal 18 year old doesn’t have a group of friends? Friends his OWN AGE? I mean, Rob has his BritPack, Kstew has her fake lesbians but Tay??? Where’s his crew?

Guys, I need your help here… I need to rest easy knowing Tay has some guy friends and if not… I say we hold a friend audition! I vote no on Justin Bieber and anyone affliated with Disney (especially the JoBros). Any suggestions?

Resting uneasy,
Hepburn

Well Hepburn, what a FABULOUS idea. I’d be lying if I said Moon & I hadn’t had this concern ourselves. We’ve spent many a five minutes hour worrying about Taylor’s apparently lack of friends. Not that we think he’s complaining- with a father like Big Daddy, who needs friends? But for the sake of his fans & all those who are becoming more and more convinced of his homosexuality because of his never-ending slew of of female, Disney star friends/PR ploys, I think we need to get to the bottom of this.

First things first, I did a quick google search to see what Tay-Tay has been up to lately. It looks like he was recently spotted at a Lakers game. He HAD to go with friends, right!? RIGHT!? I snagged these photos from EclipseMovie.org for us to investigate:

Evidence #1

Wait- that’s not a minidress & a bra strap I see- that’s a MAN shoulder. And NOT Big Daddy’s! DO we have some proof!? Does Tay Tay have a FRIEND?

Evidence #2

It looks like Tay-Tay may have changed seats to get a better view of the basketball players the honeys (or else that WAS Big Daddy next to him in the first picture and he ran out for a second to stock up on the $79.95 Lakers-Bakers combo (Nachos with chili & bacon, four hot dogs, 2 64 oz Coca-Colas, caramel popcorn, a bucket of fries topped with chedder & crab and a fried twinkie for dessert. Oh, plus a side salad and a gatorade for Taylor)) Not sure who the new guy on Tay-Tay’s left is. Could it be another possibility for a friend?

Evidence #3

Is he looking at Kobe Bryant? Or the girls? Will we ever know?

Uh oh- this piece of evidence is supicious. No red-blooded 18 year old male would leave Taylor in front of cheerleaders who haven’t eaten in 3 weeks (except for the girl who gobbled up the crab-fry that Big Daddy dropped) ALONE. Is it true? Does Tay-Tay have no friends?

Evidence #4

It's called a what? And THAT's what Rob said he was allergic to?

Our final piece of evidence shows us Taylor, seeing the nether regions of a woman for the first time, next to a male. Is it a fan who wanted to ask what it was like NOT being a bear? Is it his manager (who is apparently gay) telling him horror stories about sex with women? Is it Big Daddy, who miraculously dropped 167 pounds after consuming the Lakers-Bakers Combo? I think we ALL know it’s NOT a friend. No 18 year old male has what looks to be the beginnings of a full beard. Unless he’s a hipster. And no hipster would wear a collared shirt. He’d be in an ironic Fish-O-Filet sponsored “Relay for the Heart 1994″ T-shirt.

After seeing these pictures of Taylor out for a night of crab-fries and Kobe Bryant, I have to conclude…… that Taylor has no friends…

Find out what we’re going to do about this piece of news, after the jump! Continue reading →

Remember when we all fell in love with Swiftner? And then we ultimately had our Lisa Frank unicorn illustrated dreams crushed when they “broke up?” Well now they’re just messing with our emotions! The pair of them followed by a trail of rainbow hearts, dancing teddy bears and puffy stars went out for a little lunch in Beverly Hills! I know… I know… just try to remain calm. Let’s not get too excited here… I’ll let you enjoy this photo and this weekend and let the speculation run wild

Pitter patter goes my black heart,
Themoonisdown

So do you think they’re back on? Were they EVER on? Where’s Big Daddy? We know he doesn’t miss out on a good lunch date