With my 100 GAF Score, my 9 figure annual salary, my fleet of wildcats as pets and my fancy lady shoes, I am not just here to tell you how to be ready for anything, I am telling you how to be MAINPAGE ready. So, all of you sad ragamuffins, listen up. Soon, you will be the a legion of smart and handsome commenters suitable for the outside world.

When telling personal anecdotes, be light and effervescent. If you must make the reader listen to your sad tale of woe, be sure to follow it up with a quick life style tip. For example: My house was recently robbed but that sure didn't stop me from making a delicious aspic entree with the joyous taste of herring. Or posttraumatic stress disorder? I like to treat it with a fresh coat of Maybelline Lipstick, now in Fruity Jelly Lip Gloss flavors!

When feeling mild consternation, be aware of your audience. Strive to make them comfortable. "Maybe I disagree, you really make a wonderful point and I hope to hear more of these 'Bitch make me a sandwich' jokes in the future and we will have a hearty laugh over a Tom Collins (for you and a diet Tab for me)." See what I did? This ensures that as commenters, we are never seen as making waves or even worse, criticizing our places as ladies in the world. Ladies don't criticize. We gently encourage positive behavior.

Finally, I know you all love to have a giggle, but we don't have to act like bobbie soxer at a sock hop every night. I suggest we think about what kinds of comments are socially acceptable:

Correcting our filthy self indulgence through self flagellation and renunciation of our most cursed dirty, dirty filthy dirty sinning, including the oral sex. YES, we must punish ourselves for that the most of all.

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And through this and through many other tips, you too can be MAINPAGE READY. Join me, my friends, the sunshine is bright and the vistas are infinite on the MAIN PAGE.