Thursday, October 12, 2006

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Okay okay, I am planning on going back to Ketchikan. It's been the only place that has really been home to me over my life. The only one that I have thought of as home that is. It's not like I don't like other places I've been, but it's more home then the others have ever been.

Anyways, I was trying to focus I write down a list of things I think I'll need to do:

need over $4,000 in the bank

finish training at work

insurance (threw a job, maybe at island pharmacy)

cell phone plan

a place, apartment near work maybe? a place to live with full utilities and can have pets

finished with college, maybe finish my AA?

banks in Ketchikan; save money in that bank, over $4,000 that way can divide school money and moving money, maybe before move after spring quarter '08?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I know Zach will never feel the same way about me, but since that night I've been thinking of all the times I now realize I did because I do love him. It's not good for me. I called his phone and got Ashley, I don't know where they stand, but still. He should feel like he can share these things with me. I thought we were close enough to where he could share things with me. I don't think I can be friends with him anymore. It hurts too much to know he is back with this girl who tore his heart out, stomped on it, ground it into the ground, and spit on it. I can never forgive her for that. But to have him keep going back to her, I just can't stand to see that. I might have an option to go back to Alaska, I hope that I pass my technician test so I can become a Pharmacy Technician and then I'll move there and be gone from his complicated ways. When I think about him I get happy, but then I think how he can't think of me that way and it hurts. If he does go back to Ashley I don't think I"ll ever see him again, Ashley doesn't like me and doesn't want me to talk to him. I'm not sure what to do other then just not talk to him ever again. I just wish he would let me know what's going on in his life. I remember times we had that were good when there was no relationship in either of our minds and how it was nice just being with him when he didn't have pyhsco girlfriends that hated me. Thinking back on all those times I realized that I really do love him, but since he could never love me the same way, I didn't even acknowledged those feelings. How sad am I? Plus now that I"m seriously thinking of moving back to K-town, Tracy says that I should tell him because it will help me get closure or something. It wouldn't help, it's best to just let him live his life while I go to mine.

a man who will attempt (and/or succeed) in being slightly romantic ever so often (I want to be shown that he IS in love with me, not just with me, low self-esteem. I probably wouldn’t believe any guy that said he loved me more then a friend without long and hard efforts to show it on his part. I pity any guy that has to go threw this)

a man that wont hesitate to take control when someone needs too

accepts that my cat is my baby, even if he doesn’t think of Sammy like that

who will let me be supportive of him and what he does and what he needs

Monday, September 18, 2006

Just when you think that the whole thing can't get any more complicated, it does.

What in the world is she talking about you may ask, and I'll tell you in a second.

First off everyone knows that I have had this crush on one of my good guy friends for YEARS. Well, in recent days he has done something that has made me question what he could feel about me.

What could she mean? That's your thought.

I mean, that while one of my other guy friends, who is pretty damn near perfect when it comes to men being great for girls, was talking about how he feels about himself as a committed person, I kept thinking to myself about my other guy friend and how much I wanted to see him.Don't get me wrong, I really like it when my friends, especially this one, opens up to me. I just wanted to see this other guy friend. I have for a long time. This relationship that we have would be so much easier if I could see him face to face.

Anyways. While my guy friend is talking about his curent situation, my mind keeps wondering back to the one that I like. Does this make me a bad friend?

Going back to the title of this post: Today was the first day abck at the college. Wow, can you say wow? It was a bit nerve-racking driving to it, but once I was there it was like, no sweat. I can so do this. But, as alwasy, something else occupied my mind.

You guessed it.

I can't stop wishing I could just be with my guy friend that I like. Not just be with him like most people mean, but I mean just to stand near him for a minute would make me happy. I want to talk with him, stand face to face and just talk about everything and nothing at all. I want to get ot know him better and to understand him. Not just becuase I may love him, but becuase I want him to know who I am too and see if he can be happy with someone like me; not just like me, but me.

I have no idea what I'm going to do, spend the time and money to go see him, or just wait? Why is it that no one comments me on what they think?

Friday, July 28, 2006

Exactly how many of us take the time to think about our families? Most of us are too busy in the immediate family to worry about any one else. If you know me, you know I love to have the big family kinda vibe. Everyone knows everyone, getting into each other's lives, messing up some words and causing some drama. I love the idea of the good, bad, and ugly that come along with it. However if you don’t know me, reread the first part of this paragraph. Going down to Sarah’s wedding has made me relies that I know little, if any about my family’s lives and what goes on in them. My father and his kids that live close by are very close. They live within three miles of each other! To watch them at dinner that they had when I was there (my sister, her husband, her boys, my dad, my uncle, and my brother) everyone came together and it was like the family you see on “Related” (a WB drama series, very good if you ask me). Telling jokes, and doing dishes, eating good homemade food– it was just great. My dad is always been one of the best guys you will ever meet. He’s kind and funny. I was so happy to see him. Aside from whatever people may tell you, I do love my dad, and love to see him. In later years he and I seem to argue a lot more, but I’m sure it’s going to pass. We’re both just kinda stubborn I guess. My heart had really wanted to see those boys (my nephews) and when I did, it was like there were no years that had separated us from the last time we saw each other. I don’t know, maybe they felt like I was a complete stranger, but I didn’t feel that way. Honestly, I forgot where I was going with this, but I’ll just try and BS my way threw it. My sister has always been there for me, whether or not I knew it. (and this is NOT BSing) She loves me, she's always there on the other side of the phone if/when I need her. Though I never really ever called her, but she was and is really, always there when I need her. She’s been complaining how she wish her house was cleaner and bigger, and how her car was a limo to have me shofered (sp?) around in, but honestly, I’m just happy to be with her, and her room is so not that dirty. She may try to convince you otherwise, but don’t listen, she’s just crammed in the room, it’s not dirty. You know, I keep getting off subject, then forgetting where I was trying to go with this. I was trying to make a point here. With work and school (I’m going to squeeze a quick update of my life in here: I’ve been going to work full time trying to study to become a pharmacy technician and I took this last quarter off, I’m going back in the fall so don’t worry, I refuse to not get my AA. I’m getting the tech certificate threw work incase you were confused on that.) But yeah, I think what I’m trying to say is, even though we are busy, we shouldn't forget or dismiss our family. Though if you know me, you also know that I have friends that are family to me. And if you don’t know me, reread the last sentence. And even then we forget to include them in our lives. There was an interesting article in the Seattle Times a few weeks ago about how so many people jump to answer there blackberries when the beep and forget to include the people around them in their lives. Or something like that. But that’s kinda what I’m pushing here I think. Again with that forgetting about my point in this rather long rant. Well, I guess that this is long enough for now. I hope you got something out of this other then the fact that my ranting seems to go on and on and on… well, that and I hope you understand what in the world I was saying.