Saturday, October 25, 2003

here I am up to early with an acidy stomach... this is what I'm passing time with now...

Hmmm.. I'm not sure if it makes me feel better or worse about this site!

(moments later)

The things I do as I sit in the wee hours of the morning waiting for the raging inferno within my gut to subside enough to grant me a couple more hours of blessed sleep.

I guess I should be disturbed, I checked all the other blogs I read to see if anyone had a more EVIL blog than mine and NO ONE DID. Sasoozie has a blog that is just as middle of the road EVIL as mind but no one else has a blog that is more EVIL. Bah! Curses! Curses on you all! - except Sasoozie.

I really should be in bed - I have to be up in about 4 and a half hours to have a garage sale! YIKES! I've been sorting and marking since 8:30 pm!

Anyway - since hubby seems to be at a loss for pressie ideas I thought I would do him a favor and make a list so that when the holidays arrive he won't be panicking at the last moment standing in the Exxon trying to decide if I'd rather have a lighter with a woman that strips when warmed or a decorative hillbilly cowboy with a bovine standing on the state of Texas shot glass.

And now in no particular order, here is the list (and by no means is this to imply that this is an exclusive list of things that I want nor a complete list - I do like to be some what surprised from time to time).

Suggestions of Gift Items For Judy

Sandman: Endless Nights by Neil Gaimen
Wolves In The Wall by Neil Gaimen
A night in a cheap motel with Neil Gaimen
Another night in a cheap motel with Neil Gaimen (kind of like a sequel if you will)
Shiny Things (i.e. Jewelry – charms are good)
Gift Certificate to place to buy sleazy undies
Gift Certificate to place to buy sleazy toys
Gift Certificate to place to get sleazy men
The ‘Perfect’ Red Shoes (I know… this one is just a myth)
Viking Princess Barbie
Holiday Barbie
Birthstone Barbie
Wonder Woman Barbie
Just about collectibleable Barbie
Gift Certificate to get a manicure and pedicure
Gift Certificate to get a massage
Gift Certificate to get massager... oh wait that's covered in the sleazy toys request
Art supplies
Sting’s latest CD
Sting
Pretty stationary
Hot hunky (literary) man to date
Gift Certificate to half price books
3 or 4 hours a week just to myself
Maid service
Gigolo Service

Thursday, October 23, 2003

But It's Useful!

Last night my husband was having an out of mind experience. He came home and told me he knew what he was going to get me for a present - SHOES! Now I LOVE shoes and the thought of getting shoes could make me smile even if you had just shaved my cat bald (ok... That would probably be somewhat funny on it's own), but I had a FEELING that I needed to ask more about these shoes. So I asked the important question right up front "Are they pretty?" he said no... This is how the conversation went:

Him: But they are supposed to be the most comfortable shoes...
Me: (cutting him off) But are they pretty?
Him: Just think of how nice it will be to come home after a long day on your feet and how great they will feel!
Me: Are we talking orthopedic shoes? Old people shoes? What do I look like? Why do I want Ugly Shoes???
Him: Your feet will feel like they've been massaged - even after your long day on your feet!
Me: (starting to think he was brainwashed by the shoe manufacturer) Why... Do... I... Want... Ugly... Shoes?
Him: but they are comfortable! Someone at the meeting had them on and were just raving about how comfortable they are!
Me: Why do you want to buy me ugly shoes?
Him: Because they are useful?
Me: Since when have you ever bought me a present because it was useful?
Him: (thinking) um.. Never
Me: And what makes you think that after 11 and a half years you should change this? Don't buy me ugly shoes. Buy me pretty, shiny, funny... But not ugly shoes.

(later after looking up the shoes on the internet) Me:Shit! Those are UGLY!
Him: But they are comfortable
Me: Yeah and they cost $169 for ugly!
Him: Yikes! You're not getting the shoes.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Darn That Sock!

Tonight when I went to put the little people down (for the 4th time) Cabbage Patch had Monkey Sandwich, it seems that Monkey Sandwich is suffering a separated shoulder... Or should I say a separation of the shoulder - her arm is nearly off. Cabbage Patch was upset about this 'boo-boo'. I told her I needed to fix Monkey Sandwich and asked her if she wanted me to fix it tonight to which she replied 'No!' and snuggled the monkey close. Looks like I'll be darning a sock (monkey) soon... And I thought I'd never be doing something like that...

Monday, October 20, 2003

Pain

I've got a desperately bad sinus headache at the moment. So bad that I even let hubby drug me... No, no, I begged him to drug me. I'm just sitting here waiting for this stuff to kick in and make me sleepy. It's almost 8:30 pm and I'm contemplating turning in for the evening - that is how freaking bad my head hurts. I'm a little afraid that I'm going to screw up my sleep schedule and end up sitting here at 4 am trying to pass the time until a sane hour to start doing laundry and vacuuming the livingroom.

No, no I haven't magically found my missing socks (although I think I will try Sasoozie's suggestion of washing all the singletons together in hopes of their mates showing up.... G-d only knows why that would work, but for some reason it sounds reasonable to me... Maybe it's jealously that will lure the missing socks out... Or maybe socks enjoy being in the dryer... Kind of like a party... And the sounds of a party lures them out... ya know kind of like how the sounds of drunken slutty women attracts sleazy men.. Or vice versa). This morning it was a bit chilly in my livingroom so I slipped on some socks... A red one and a purple one. My feet were toasty yet uncoordinated.

A Sock Of A Different Kind

Recently my sister asked for her sock monkey that I had made for her. I made Monkey Sandwich (the sock monkey's name) back in May or June and Monkey Sandwich has resided here ever since. During this time, Monkey Sandwich has gone from sitting on my entertainment center shelf and now resides somewhere upstairs in the little people's room. (insert dramatic music here) All of the trappings that I had attached to Monkey Sandwich are long gone - the hair, the fringe skirt, the bright red ribbon... All lost and forgotten. The other day when D asked to take possession of Monkey Sandwich I had to tell her no. Tonight when hubby put the little people to bed he came down and told me how Cabbage Patch loves "That Sock Monkey" so much. So D, I'm sorry, I can't grant you custody of Monkey Sandwich - you're going to have to get a court order to get that damned sock monkey! (or just ask me to make you another one)

One Last Sock

Somehow I know that the whole missing sock thing is hubby's fault (I'm allowed to say everything is his fault - it's in the marriage contract) - and as retaliation I plan to raid his sock drawer and make a bunch of angry albino sock monkeys out of his socks. Then I'll sneak into his room late one night and scatter the angry albino sock monkeys around his room and wait for the screams the next morning. Oh yeah... I'm evil... evil to the bone... (ok, maybe just really bizarre and mischievous)

Hmmm... I think maybe this medicine is kicking in now... I should stop posting now... Go work on my manifesto or something... ;o)

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Transient Socks

This morning I took 15 precious minutes to search for matching socks - any socks, just as long as there are two of them. I finally found two that were similar enough (same color) to wear. I hate that. I have a love hate relationship with socks. I love cute socks, warm socks, soft socks, short socks, fuzzy socks, colored socks, white socks - I do love socks, I especially love having socks when I want socks. But I hate socks also. I don't really like wearing socks all the time - my feet prefer the freedom of nakedness or a pair of slip on shoes for near nakedness. Hell I stay home with my kids 5 days a week, I don't' have to wear shoes. When I do wear shoes I prefer it to be pretty shoes that don't require socks but occasionally it is shoes that do require socks and then I'm back to where I was this morning - sock searching. I've bought hundreds of pairs of socks over the years and the same damn thing happens with all of them. After a while I end up not being able to find matching pairs. Sometimes my socks would end up in the sock drawer of the Emperor of Socks' (aka hubby) and I would have to search them out among all the long white athletic socks. I tried for a while to buy only colored socks for myself to make it easier for my socks to be separated from his socks and therefore not end up trapped in his drawer, but that didn't work either, I still had to go on search and rescue sock missions and eventually I would never see my brightly colored socks again... Well at least not as a pair. I kept buying the SAME kind of socks for myself for a few years, my thought was that even if I lost some, since I already had several half pairs, I would be able to find at least a few socks to match up. Wonderful theory, but not something that actually works in the REAL world. I still can NOT manage to find a pair of MY socks! I found a cream colored sock with flowers, a red sock, a white sock, a short white sock with a cow on it, a purple sock, a black and white cow spotted sock and a dark blue sock. Grrr... Yesterday I had managed to get terribly lucky and find a matching pair of white and pink socks in my drawer (why the hell didn't I play the lottery yesterday!!!) - I haven't a clue how they got IN the drawer - I honestly do NOT recall putting them in there, nor to I recall seeing them in there before yesterday morning and I have been in that drawer just about every morning so I should know what's in there. After 15 minutes of searching this morning I managed to find a sock of hubbys that looked similar enough to one of mine and that's what I wore. I generally take a pair of his from the laundry but there weren't any socks in the dryer today. Why is it that all of MY socks disappear and all of hubby's socks seem to stay find able. That man has probably a hundred pairs of socks!!! I don't know why he buys them... I don't even remember him buying THAT many socks! Where do his come from???? Is he some how turning MY socks into his socks? Is there some kind of Evil Sock Magic going on here? Is my husband practicing the art of Black Sock Magic????