Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Last night, I had a delicious meal of pork dumplings and Asian slaw, which I followed with a large chocolate chip cookie. I had a beer at about 9:30 (Rogue 7 Hop IPA, if you're curious, courtesy of the new Total Beverage in my hometown - and ain't that a gift from the Gods). And I won't have anything else of any substance until 3:00 PM tomorrow.

I'll be subsisting on Jello, coffee, broth, and water today, and I can't have anything at all tomorrow morning. Beginning at 4:00 PM today, I'll be cranking 12 oz. of SuPrep and 80 oz. of water to Roto Rooter my insides. Then, tomorrow, a doctor's going to knock me out and shove a tube up my ass.

I'm doing this for you, friends.

You see, my family's got a history of lots of different kinds of cancers, chief among them colon, with esophageal and prostate running close behind. As a result, my doctor suggested that I accelerate the normal timeline for men to get their shit checked out (literally, I guess), and I'm scheduled for my second colonoscopy tomorrow. The first one was a thing of beauty. The pictures, anyway. My colon's a kaleidoscopic marvel. I'll spare you actual visual.

So if I'm cranky online today, you'll understand why. Just remember that I'm sacrificing so that you'll have me around for a good long while, and make sure you ask your doctor about your own colonic health. The life you save may be your own.

Newark has improved its lot in life, from the airport perspective anyway. Sitting getting on an unintentional day drunk at one of the many self-order via ipad sitting areas, which give you the option of paying with miles. So, for me to have 2 beers and a sandwich would cost me almost 4000 miles. I say that's fucking robbery. You can typically get one airline ticket for 25,000 miles. By that math, if I had the time and could sit here and consume say another 9 or 10 beers, and if you throw in a delay is totally possible, I'd then be foregoing a free ticket somewhere? Nice try United. Dickbags.

If you got those miles travelling for work, and work paid for the ticket, then is seems like you're daydrinking on someone else's dime. I'm all in favor of negativity in general, but my exceptions definitely include free drinks.

"ESPN will be axing on-air talent. Who would your top choices be? Off the top of my head, mine would be Mel Kiper Jr, Dick Vitale and Merrill Hoge."

My eyes ignored the words "will be axing" thought he was asking Rob what ESPN on-air talent he would want broadcasting his colonoscopy. I then thought the names thrown out there were curious.

All-time sportscasters for Rob's colonoscopy play-by-play and color commentary? I think a collective of Cosell, Raftery, and Tommy Smyth would be exciting, but if Rob wants cool class and calm insight, Scully and Garagiola really know the ins and outs of the game.

The L.A. Times in an article about the Chili Peppers' return to their hometown for three shows, beginning last night:

"This was the first of three sold-out concerts at the big downtown arena, a remarkable play for a veteran group that hasn’t had a real pop hit in years."

Um...

Hey, "rock journalist"...

From Billboard in August 2016:

Let’s call it the triple crown: "Dark Necessities" has now hit No. 1 on all three rock airplay charts -- Alternative Songs, Mainstream Rock Songs and Adult Alternative Songs -- a feat accomplished by only four songs (the Chili Peppers’ new single included) since Adult Alternative Songs began as a Triple A radio-monitoring chart on Jan. 20, 1996.

I know shabby rock knowledge among those with by-lines shouldn't bother me, but it does.

And the Washington football club is horrifyingly awful all of a sudden. To review:

- GM Scot McCloughan hasn't been seen in ages. Nobody knows where he is. For real. Free agency is going on without him.

- Kirk Cousins will be paid the equivalent of some countries GDP next season because the front office sat on signing him. And he wants out. He wants to go to San Fran. But the Skins have no upper hand and will get shit in return. And Snyder hates Kyle Shanahan so he won't deal with the one team that might give something decent. Best QB the Skins have had in 30 years and they have soiled themselves. The owner and his team of semi-trained monkeys like Bruce Allen need to be shipped out of the country (Trump's SS could do it) just for this issue.

- After they extended Jay Gruden's contract by 2 years. Which nobody wanted.

It goes on. I won't. 4-12 might be optimistic unless something different happens. The rumors are that McCloughan is drinking again, but it certainly seems like it's a pre-St. Patty's drunken shitshow of poorly made car bombs and stupid green beer amateur hour throughout the entire front office.