Mitchell's 5th Birthday

Mitchell's 4th Birthday

Mitchell's 3rd Birthday

Feb 2010

Sunday, July 13, 2014

A Mother's Grief, A Heart's Memory

An article I wrote about grief was published via a Seattle parenting magazine, Parentmap. I felt it was important to communicate some of the feelings I have as a parent who is grieving the loss of a child. I also hope I voiced the sentiments of other parents enduring this struggle, as many of us share these similar emotions with grief (although each experience is unique). The article should not make anyone feel guilty or burdened, but rather show ways big and small one can show love and support to families facing grief. It is something that no one can fully understand unless they go through it themselves and I think in particular, the loss of a child carries a unique pain. I know I am a changed person as a result. I like some of the changes, and miss some of my old self too. It's confusing, but we're getting through it, yet will never be over it.

Thank you all for your continued love and support. I know that from the surface we look like all is smooth sailing, but under the water we are treading for our dear lives. Life is unforgiving and never slows down to a speed we're more comfortable with and I guess that may be good. We are meant to work hard, but every now and again the full weight of grief bears down upon us and knocks us down again. We miss him so, so much.

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Mitchell's Story

Mitchell showed his first symptom April 12, 2010. He was putting his shoes on and looked up at me and I noticed his eyes track in opposite directions. Obviously that sent chills up my spine and I immediately began calling doctors and no one would see him or seemed to think it was a big deal. After it continued a few days and I insisted they see my child, we took him in and our pediatrician agreed something wasn't right. Several doctors later and multiple random diagnoses, we took him to Seattle Children's on April 16th where he was administered an MRI. That scan showed a small tumor that the drs thought was on the brainstem and when I continued to ask the hows/whys they told me not to worry.

I worried all summer long and into the fall until on November 10, 2010 he woke up gagging. I thought he must have the stomach flu and coddled him all day. Around lunchtime it was obvious something serious was wrong because his muscles were shaking and he couldn't walk. We had just had a check-up on November 8 and although we voiced concerns about his eyes drooping, the doctor came up with some strange reason. When we called him about the muscle weakness we were told to go immediately to Seattle Children's. That hour of preparation was one of the worst of our lives. We prayed and cried then left not knowing what awaited us in Seattle. An MRI revealed the tumor had tripled in size. Mitchell's muscle weakness worsened by the minute. In the next couple of days he wouldn't be able to walk at all or lift his left arm. Friday, November 12 he went in for a biopsy to hopefully know what kind of a tumor we were dealing with. Although inconclusive, enough was gathered to diagnose him with a high-grade brainstem glioma.

We began radiation December 6th and finished January 26th during which time he took small doses of temodar--a chemotherapy drug. From February 28th, 2011 until January 23, 2012 he was on a maintenance plan of temodar, irinotecan, and bevacuzimab.

Mitchell's symptoms returned a few months after we finished chemotherapy. They began with severe impulsive behavioral issues that no one could identify a cause for and Mitchell clearly felt bad about. We had some mixed MRI results in May and June, but by then it was clear the tumor was growing. Mitchell declined over the summer but fought hard for his time. He passed away peacefully Sept. 2, 2012 in his daddy's arms. We miss you Mitchell and love you...Always and forever...No matter what!