FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check.

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.

SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.

BENTONVILLE, AR—Telling reporters they were having difficulty keeping track of all the new pastimes he was pursuing, friends of local man Mark Chapineau stated Tuesday that the recent divorcé was burning through hobbies at an unsustainable rate.

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.

NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.

SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever.

DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles.

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.

CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.

BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.

Jessica Casper, who deeply regrets admitting to having a crush on Kevin Pflug.

"Oh, my God, I can't believe they told the whole school I like him," said a visibly shaken Casper, who admitted liking fourth-grader Kevin Pflug at Amber Prentiss' Friday-night slumber party. "When I went past him at lunch today, he was looking at me really weird. Brianna [Benning] told me everybody in the whole school knows."

Added Casper: "My life is over."

Unbeknownst to her, Casper was invited to the slumber party of the prettier, more popular Prentiss only because the two girls' mothers are close friends. The invitation, Prentiss stressed, was extended to Casper under extreme duress.

"Mom said if I didn't invite Jessica, I couldn't have the party," Prentiss said. "I was like, 'Mom, Jessica and I haven't been friends since second grade!' but she wouldn't listen. I couldn't tell her that nobody's friends with Jessica anymore because she's such a dork. It's embarrassing enough that everybody knows we used to be friends, but then I had to actually have her at my sleepover."

The confession, sources say, came at approximately 11:50 p.m. during a game of Truth Or Dare. Though hesitant to choose Truth because of her "super-secret crush that [she's] never told anyone about," Casper was even more reluctant to do a Dare.

"The first time I said Dare, Karen [Mullroy] dared me to hop around the room saying, 'I love Coach Snider,' who is our totally gross gym teacher," said Casper, who reacted to the slumber-party invitation with a mixture of surprise, anxiety, and excitement. "It was so humiliating."

Anxious to avoid a repeat of the Coach Snider debacle, Casper chose Truth on her next turn. When Prentiss asked her who she liked, Casper briefly considered naming Jeffrey Trenton, who is not a part of the girls' immediate social circle and would not have been as risky a response as Pflug. Instead, Casper, overcome by a newfound sense of camaraderie with her more popular sleepover-mates, named Pflug.

"They were all like, 'Oooh, you like Kevin!" Casper said. "But they didn't say he'd never go out with me. So I thought maybe they thought he would. But then on Monday, everything came out."

"When one is put into a more relaxed state of mind, whether from alcohol or too many chocolate-chip bars, your inhibitions are lowered," Pritchard said. "But while inhibitions can be bad, in certain situations they should be viewed as an ally—especially when dealing with a big-mouth like Amber Prentiss. The less said around her, the better."

Though the full ramifications of her confession are not yet known, Casper said she no longer has a crush on Pflug, whom she describes as "mean." She has also vowed never to speak to or acknowledge Prentiss or "any of her stuck-up friends" again.

And while she doesn't expect the humiliation and taunting ever to die down, Casper has decided to stay at Lakeview Elementary School and not transfer to a school in Alaska.

"If I went to Alaska, then Amber and her stuck-up friends would win," Casper said. "I figure if I can just make it to junior high, everything will be all right. Everyone will be so much more mature there."