Monday,
April 4, 2005
NUKES SET FOR RETURN TO GROUND ZERO IN 2005Story by Jim
Lockwood

New
York (AP) - In a surprise announcement, New
York Nukes management has decided that after only one
year in their new state-of-the-art, 100% taxpayer funded stadium,
they are moving back to their old stadium, Ground Zero. This
has caused quite an uproar in the Big Apple.

The
new stadium, Fission Field, was built after repeated threats
by Nukes owner Jim Lockwood
to move the franchise to New Jersey if the city didn't construct
a new ballpark for the team in Manhattan near Madison Square
Garden. Facing the prospect of losing the team, the citizens
of New York overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure in 2001
to finance the construction of Fission Field. The agreement
reached between the city and the team was sweet for the Nukes.
Under the terms of the deal, the Nukes were to play at Fission
Field rent free, but would operate the stadium, which meant
that they would receive all profits made by the stadium but
would also be responsible for any loss.

After
a year of playing at the stadium, everyone involved in the
deal seemed to be happy. But during the offseason, the Nukes
used the profits made by playing at Fission Field in 2004
to renovate Ground Zero, which the Nukes still owned and had
not yet scheduled for demolition. When the announcement was
made that the Nukes were abandoning the $786 Million stadium,
the poop really hit the fan! Famous New York civic activist
I.P. Freely was quoted in the New York Times as saying, "DAMMIT!
Why in the HELL didn't Lockwood just save us the $786 Mil
and ask us to renovate the old park in the first place? What
an A-Hole!"

When
reached for comment, Lockwood responded to his critics by
saying, "I don't really give a rats ass what they think! The
new park is really nice I guess, but it's sterile. It just
doesn't have the character that Ground Zero has. And besides
that, we had a helluva time scoring runs there. It's best
for the team, the fans, and the city that we move back to
Ground Zero. Well, maybe not for the city, but you catch my
drift."

As
noted above, the Nukes are still responsible for operating
Fission Field. Without a tennant for the stadium, the Nukes
would potentially be shoveling money into a white elephant
for years. But the Nukes have already reached an agreement
with the New York Jets of the NFL to have them play at the
stadium. Other than a few anal retentive civic activists like
the before mentioned Mr. Freely, most citizens don't seem
to care. They are more interested in the aquisition of All-Star
second baseman Rogers Hornsby and the development of young
sluggers Tony Montana and Josh Homme! The view from the seats
of Fission Field was OK, but the incredibly loyal New York
fans would rather see another Weaver Series come to Ground
Zero!