I've been having a lot of conversations lately about 'The New Normal' or what I would describe as a new set-point for daily life.

A specific example of this from my own life is my fitness level. For months and months (and MONTHS) I tried to get consistent with diet and exercise and my yoga practice. I would journal about it and create strategies and and even post about my intentions publicly. And for months and months I failed at achieving the kind of results I wanted.

Today, however, I have even better results than I imagined for myself. So what gives? How did I go from an ongoing battle with myself - which would include a lot of guilt and frustration - to this New Normal where I am strong and lean and feeling really fucking great about myself - effortlessly choosing to eat clean and train at the gym almost every day?

I'll tell ya. And it's not as big of a deal as you might think. Follow these five steps and you will find yourself living a New Normal, too.

STEP 1: Clear Vision

This is the VERY FIRST THING YOU MUST DO to transform any area of your life. The question to ask yourself is, "What do I want to create?". If you don't know your WHAT you'll constantly be in a state of confusion, which is super draining, trust me.

Your WHAT must be deeply compelling. In other words, my WHAT was initially about "losing weight" but that wasn't compelling enough. Then it was "fitting into my clothes". Still not compelling enough. Eventually, my WHAT became "having more than enough energy to do all the things I want to do in a day and feel lean and strong and clear-headed".

If you want to transform your body or relationship or even travel the world, get clear about 'what you want to create' in that area and make sure it's compelling. That is, it has deep significant meaning for you and your experience of life.

STEP 2: Anchors Away

Now that you are connected to WHAT you want to create it's time to release the anchors. And by anchors, I mean the physical and emotional stuff that's weighing you down and keeping you stuck. Think of it like 'clearing clutter'.

Where are you suppressing, resisting or avoiding? What coping mechanisms or distractions are you allowing to come between you and your desired outcome? What or who are you hanging onto that is no longer serving you?

We all have them. Usually, the most potent of these are emotional. We hold on to physical things and people and patterns of behavior because they keep us insulated (or 'safe') from our lower vibrational feelings. Emotions are powerful and some can be really uncomfortable and disruptive to our lives.

The best advice I can give here is JUMP. Jump off the mother fucking cliff and see what happens. Yes, you might feel terrified and be in a free fall with the ground coming at you at a thousand miles an hour. I HAVE BEEN THERE. And you know what? You'll find that you have the capacity to FLY. You'll find your wings and soar like an eagle. It happens every time.

STEP 3: Success Set Up

After letting go of the stuff that's not supporting you and your WHAT, it's time to set up environments conducive to your success. This especially includes the people you surround yourself with.

They say you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.

From my experience, this is a #truestory. In my case, my fitness game got amplified by the fact that my best girlfriend - a personal trainer and wellness consultant - moved in with me. I've also been dating men who are into fitness and yoga, eating well and making healthy lifestyle choices. So I'm surrounded by people who inspire and motivate me to be successful.

Not only are the people in your life indicative of your success, your environments play a huge role in it, too. Look around you. Your home - is it a reflection of you and what you want to feel? Or is there just a bunch of random stuff taking up space? What about your work environment? Are you among high-energy happy people who are stoked to be there? Or are things mind-numbing where you can't wait for the day to end?

Remember this is all about creating YOUR NEW NORMAL so you may have to shatter some old norms to get to the new one. Stay connected to your WHAT and the decisions to break out will be less painful.

STEP 4: Consistent Actions

The key to creating any lasting transformation is consistency. Every action is a CHOICE.

You have likely been choosing the same actions for a while and thus have the results you currently have. The good news is, when you choose to create a New Normal, you shift your actions and the results follow.

I used to struggle big time with being consistent in my work outs. I recognize now that I was not connected deeply to a compelling WHAT. So my lack of choosing to exercise on a daily basis was a natural response. Now, it's no-brainer to make time in my schedule for the gym, trail, and/or yoga. No 'force' is involved what-so-ever.

My coach helped me assimilate the concept of "where there is no consistency, there is suffering". Yes, SUFFERING.

Pain and struggle are a part of life. Suffering doesn't have to be. It is a CHOICE.

Choose to do whatever you must to get clear about WHAT you want to create and the rest of these steps will be easy.

STEP 5: Evaluate + Refine + Grow

Ok. That's like three things in one step but they all work in harmony. As you create your New Normal it's imperative that you stay alert and evaluate your progress. Doing so without harsh judgements. Forgive yourself for any fuck-ups along the way. YOU'RE HUMAN. Check in with your support system to help you be objective with this.

Refine or tweak what needs adjustment. This is unavoidable. You will ultimately be growing and evolving in this process and what strategies are workable will, too. So just factor that shit in.

Your personal growth and transformation is the WHOLE POINT here. If you are not motivated to be a better version of yourself and live a more satisfying, fulfilling and badass life ...then stay where you're at. Not growing and evolving is the surest way to repeat the days, weeks, and years you've already lived.

Plenty of people do it. I'm not one of them and I bet the people you admire aren't either.

The bottom line is this. You have ONE LIFE. And it's super duper precious and short. You can stay in your current state of normalcy (which may be really great, btw) or you can look at where in your life you are ready to transform / up-level and make that shit happen.

This article is a 5-step process to support those who want a New Normal. I speak from lots of experience here - both in my own life and in my coaching practice. If you really really want a New Normal but don't think you can do it on your own, let's talk. I got you.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Tantra is not going to teach you some technique to fuck her longer. Tantra is about CONSCIOUS CONNECTION to yourself and your lover (And really, all of life). So if you want the act of sex to last longer then explore it as a vehicle for your mutual pleasure, connection, and expansion.

Tantra is a way of BEING that includes sexual self expression.

I know the media (ok, porn) has done a bang-up job of brainwashing you into thinking the longer and harder you can fuck, the better lover you are. WRONG!

What makes a masterful lover is your ability to be fully present, to enter into the encounter WITHOUT expectations but with genuine curiosity for what will bring you both pleasure at that particular time, along with patience, interest and intrigue in your bodies, and a willingness to be vulnerable at times and commanding at others.

Plus, sex is WAY MORE than just penetration. The word, "foreplay" is a joke if you ask me. Don't think of massage or oral or petting or making out or the use of toys as just the opening act that leads up to the main event. MIX IT UP. Enjoy all these things at random. OF COURSE she's going to be disappointed if all that goes down is a minute-long make out followed by you entering her and orgasming before she even gets her head in the game. Women tend to require a ramp up period to get fully aroused. Just because you can get erect in a moment's notice and blow your load lickety-split doesn't mean jack -- DO NOT relate your "sexual arousal and pleasure process" to a woman's. You will only mind-fuck yourself if you do.

And if you feel you are already doing this and you still come right away...then HAVE MORE SEX that way your body isn't over excited at the idea of her vagina enveloping your penis.

BOTTOM LINE is sex is a PART OF WHO YOU ARE (the very CORE ESSENCE, in fact) and expressing this aspect of yourself can be big-time pleasurable and fun and spiritually awakening even. If it's not, I promise it's not because you need to learn some new technique to last longer.

Want to actually LEARN how to be, do, and have what I just talked about? Call me. I teach tantra. Couples and women welcome, too. (and NO, I don't have sex with students...duh.)

P.S. I get so many calls from men wanting a "quick fix" for this issue and they think tantra is going to give them the magic technique to keep fucking longer. When I share that my Tantra Program is 3 months long and is actually a spirituality-based personal growth and development program and that we don't have sex of any kind together they say "oh. ok thanks." and hang up. I KNOW men (and women) are not getting the level of satisfaction they want from sex. It's because we have all been taught THE WRONG THINGS about it. And yet we are ultimately driven by the deep desire to CONNECT intimately...so how about we LEARN HOW to do that in a way that actually serves us?

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

1. Men are actively seeking to improve themselves as sexual beings. You might think women are all about personal growth and development and for the most part you’d be right. But when it comes to sex, men are hungry to explore and expand their knowledge and skills. I have the privilege of being one of the first responders when men decide it’s time to evolve their capacity as sexual beings.

Of course, that’s not how most of my clients phrase it at first. The more common statement I hear is one related to “lasting longer” or “being better at sex”. As we explore the motivations for each person in their specific circumstance, the overwhelming majority of men get to the core of the matter and reveal the REAL driving force as something like “a deep longing to connect openly and freely with their partner”. In other words, they want intimacy. Intimacy is a common component in personal growth. It’s what allows us to truly be seen and heard by others.

We are literally naked, that is, physically. And when we match that nakedness with emotional and spiritual vulnerability something otherworldly occurs. We experience a timeless Ego-less presence to the miraculous being-ness that we truly are. Pretty cool. I suspect THAT’S the undercover culprit of men’s desire to improve themselves sexually. The rampant push to perform better is merely modern day cloak concealing a Universal truth -- we seek intimate connection.

2. Men find it difficult to speak to their wives about their sexual appetites or perceived lack of sexual abilities. When I inquire as to what keeps them from opening up or being vulnerable my clients reveal reasons ranging from fear and insecurity to not knowing how to talk about it. Sometimes they’ve been judged so harshly they have almost completely shut down the masculine sexual energy, or consciousness, that longs to be expressed. (btw, women have masculine sexual energy, too)

When it comes to being intimate and vulnerable, we are required to “take off the mask” of the Ego. But the Ego fights to keep itself intact. After all, it’s this contrived character that we identify with and so if we relinquish that sense of ourselves, who are we? Great question. But it’s one we perceive as so immense and existential that we shy away from it. Who has the time or bandwidth to solve such a riddle?

In today’s culture we rely on celebrities and magazines and corporate, government, and religious officials to tell us who we are. The problem with that is they are all in the business of manufacturing the truth (to maintain status quo) rather than revealing it.

So at best, we’re mindlessly following false images and at worst we’re being manipulated into being disconnected, dissatisfied and diseased.

This is especially true when it comes to sex. When men are “told” who they are supposed to be (at work, in society, or in the bedroom) they develop a relentless pursuit of accomplishing that in order to live up to who they think they should be. The trap being it’s a false image. It ain’t the truth. The reality is men and women alike are gifted with unique desires and a natural appetite for sexual self-expression.

The contrived characters and manufactured false images suggest one thing and the masculine sexual energy (aka consciousness) desires another. Conflict ensues. The result is men are uncertain or fearful of speaking to their wives about sex. And I think it’s safe to draw the conclusion that this unfortunate challenge is true for women as well.

3. Men crave compassionate loving non-sexual touch. When presented with the offer to enhance coaching with relaxation practices (meditation, breath and energy work, and therapeutic massage), 96% of my clients opted to do so. Why? Because they’re stressed the fuck out. Again, why? Refer to number two above.

We are all stressed out trying to live up to a manufactured ideal. And for some, the concept of compassionate loving non-sexual touch is foreign. The powers that be would have us all believe that human touch implies sexual intent and therefore a performance of some sort is required. That just reinforces the mask of the Ego or the drive to differentiate ourselves from one another and the source of our being.

It is a great privilege of mine to introduce people to a powerful healing and nurturing practice. This practice, when done with a crystal clear intention, can be very intimate and non-sexual. As a bonus, I encourage my clients to share the practice with their sweetie...and see what depth of connection results.

4. Men and women could use an an advanced education in being human. The sexual phenomenon I observe is this: People are dissatisfied and disconnected and, quite frankly, dis-eased because they think sex is an ACT to be measured and rated in terms of performance. Collectively, there’s also a rampant belief that sex is all about certain body parts.

How many people do you know, that when it comes to sex and sex appeal, compare body parts? Guys will go on and on about being a boob- or butt- or leg-man. And women talk about their satisfaction relative to the size of a man’s penis. What’s with the superficiality? Oh, right. That’s what’s being sold to us via the media and those in “power” who’re making a buck off that shit.

Here’s the deal, sex is NOT an act, it is not measurable, it’s most certainly not a performance AND it involves the entire HUMAN BEING (not just penis and vagina and couple other body parts). The pervasive perspective creates a lot of frustrated and disengaged people. How do I know? Read the title of this article again.

So what, then, is sex? Sex, or more specifically, the sexual body is a part of who you are. It contains both masculine and feminine energies. It’s one of 5 bodies that make up the human being. What are the other 4? I’ll save that for another day. But rest assured, I am here to expose the truth!

5. Women are into Tantra. OK, my sample is a little skewed but every woman I work with expresses a desire to experience more. More of themselves, more of their partners, more intimacy, more pleasure, more fulfillment in their relationship and life. That’s what Tantra has to offer.

My personal mission is to amplify passion, pleasure, and play in the bedrooms of people everywhere by supporting integrity, harmony, and vitality in each of us. Coaching, teaching tantra and writing about sex and relationships are my tools. Although my practice thus far has been built by men seeking to overcome challenges pertaining to masculine sexual energy I believe feminine energy (aka REAL power) will restore the harmony that they and our culture long for. When understood, sexual energy has the potential to create sustainable joy, connection, abundance, and ecstasy. And not just sexually. If we have the power to create NEW LIFE unconsciously, imagine what we can create when we are conscious and responsible and are no longer slaves to false images and contrived characters.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Earlier this week I made the following post on Face Book. Today I want to share a strategy for self-supporting one's truth/belief challenging. Check it out...

I love challenging people's "truth" or beliefs. And I love it when my coach, Alicia Marie challenges mine. I realized in my last coaching session that i have a tendency to tell myself this lie, "i don't like my life", from time to time. I can remember saying that as a kid...and as a teen...and in my 20's...and my 30's. When I believe that little lie-- LIKE IT'S THE TRUTH-- challenges, frustrations, depression and all kinds of shit shows up in my daily life. When I recognize that for what it is (an unconscious out-of-date broken record in my inner dialogue) I can replace it with something more useful and in fact, TRUE. The truth is I love a lot about my life...my friends, my family, my clients, the home I live in, the opportunities I have, the health of my body, the sun on my face, the two little weenie dogs that I cannot get enough of, my partner Matt Bennett, my voice and the courage to speak up and share who I am and what I'm up to...See?

I didn't intend to write all this but I guess my point is: When we challenge the "truth"/belief we are so latched onto, often a whole lotta good (peace, joy, love, freedom, connection) results.

What "truth" are you willing to have challenged today?

And now for that strategy...

Not everyone is able to have coaching conversations to support their personal growth so for anyone who could use a step-by-step self-supporting strategy, her ya go.

1. The first thing to do is NOTICE when you're in a rut (or funk, or dark hole, or stagnant spot, or anything LESS THAN desirable). The cool thing about life is it's meant to be lived JOYFULLY and ABUNDANTLY. So if that's not the experience you're having (barring a traumatic experience, of course) then you may want to challenge some beliefs or the "truth" as you see it.

2. Next, get CURIOUS about the thoughts you're having that contribute to the "less than experience". What is it that you believe to be true. It doesn't even have to be some big deal. In my FB post above, I was simply thinking "I don't like my life". That wasn't the only thing I was thinking but it sure did keep popping up for a few days. And that little lie felt like the truth. I mean, I could find all kinds of evidence to support it like: I wasn't getting any clients, my face was breaking out, my clothes didn't fit right, my relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be...the list goes on. The point is those thoughts were all about all the shit I DID NOT WANT.

3. Ask yourself the question, "What if the opposite were true?" In my case, Alicia asked me to tell her what I DID like about my life. Sitting in my office I looked around and saw my doggies laying in the patch of sunlight on the floor, "I love Copper and Penny", I said. Then I saw the green lawn through the windows and realized I love my little bungalow. I saw my shiny new car in the driveway, "I love the opportunities I have to earn a living that affords nice things". I thought of Alicia and my other AMAZING friends, "I love my friends...and family...and clients...and my work." Alicia then said, well it sounds like you DO like your life and there may just be an area that's out of integrity. What area is that?

4. If you're experiencing LESS THAN (fabulous) you may want to consider what's out of integrity. What has gone unaddressed or unexpressed that has turned into a story that isn't true? What I was not addressing was my desire for intimacy (physical, sexual, and spiritual) with Matt. I had been making attempts to express that but I realized those attempts were originating from a fear impulse. Fear has the qualities of contraction, aggression, and manipulation/control. In other words, I was approaching my request in a closed-off manner....even though I was asking for an open, loving experience. Integrity, btw, is the alignment between your thoughts, words, and actions with your true essence, heart and soul (aka LOVE). So what was out of integrity for me is pretty clear, huh?

5. LOVE is the source of sustainable creation. Are you creating from love or reacting out of fear? Don't get me wrong, fear definitely manifests some stuff. But it's usually the stuff you DON'T WANT. Love is the true creator. It's who we (and all of life) are at our core. The love impulse contains qualities like openness, invitation, empathy, presence, peace and ease, and joy. I don't know about you, but I sure do prefer to experience those qualities over the alternative. And so I did. The conversation that Matt and I had as a result of me doing this work was a breakthrough one. We still have some work to do to fully honor each other in the relationship but with integrity, it will be much more powerful and creative rather than disempowering and reactive!

In conclusion, we are more likely to be in integrity when we are coming from love. When our thoughts, words, and actions are aligned with our true essence, heart and soul--we are POWERFUL and CREATIVE. We can trust our TRUTH, allow LOVE to guide us, and create what we DO want. Anytime you're having a "less than" experience challenge what you're calling the truth. Get curious about the supporting beliefs and question whether they're rooted in LOVE or FEAR. If fear is motivating you, you're probably out of integrity. Clear that up and the "less than" will magically (yes, magically!) turn into a "more than" experience!

If you want a judgement-free space to sift through your thoughts and feelings coaching can be an efficient and effective method for helping you get powerful and creative leading to YOUR 'more than" experience. Call me for a complimentary 30-minute call to see how it works!

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Much like a weight loss program, it’s easy for the romance in relationships to plateau. Couples get busy conducting the symphony that is life--deadlines, homework, soccer practice, car payments, grocery shopping, etc. Without proper nurturing in place, partners can lose interest in the “glue that binds” if they feel they’re being taken for granted, their basic needs are being unmet, or worse, they cease to see themselves as lovers all-together.

In my work as a relationship coach, I’ve repeatedly observed that coming unglued intimately in a marriage can lead to “roommates syndrome” where two people are simply coexisting, managing the logistics of life, rather than thriving as a love-unit (yes, I just made that word up). With that said, I’ve created 5 romance nurturing techniques designed to help you dust off your love-unit (see what I did there?), and start becoming the thriving power couple of your dreams.

1. All About Timing

If you’re struggling to keep up the passion in the bedroom, you may want to consider your timing. We are all busy in today’s world so the end of the day, that is, right before bed may not be the most sexually charged time for a couple. Come up with some alternative windows that allow for a little body-to-body contact. Upon waking? In the shower? Keep in mind romance and passion don’t mean sexual intercourse exclusively. In reality, for a lot of couples (especially those with kiddos) time to ravish each other sexually for hours is rare. Sexual intimacy, however, doesn’t have to be. Remember when the relationship was new? I bet you made time to hug and squeeze and nibble and caress each other then. Don’t underestimate the power of a good long kiss...and a sexy ass grab.

2. Explore Different Environments

This may take a little work but I promise it’s worth it. Take to the outdoors. Go for a walk together and talk about all things sexy and romantic. Think back to your dating days and how just talking about making out or making love would raise your sensual spirits. Book a hotel room. A nice one, where you can both escape the everyday tasks that fill the never-ending to-do list and just be lovers. Or light up the candles, slather on the silky sheets, crank up Marvin Gaye, and turn your ordinary bedroom into a love den for the night. Okay your turn, what other environments would inspire you to be playful or frisky with your partner?

3. Set Up a Pre-Arranged Romance Plan

Have you ever heard of a drip marketing campaign? It’s where a business sets up an automated plan to reach its customers on an ongoing basis to keep them interested in their product or service. You get where I’m going here? Instead of having to come up with new sexy-time ideas every week when your mind is in work or parenting mode (because when is it not?) take a page out of the professional marketing book and pre-arrange little things to “touch” your sweetie consistently in an effort to keep them interested in romance. Maybe come up with a dozen bigger gestures (one for each month) and a half dozen smaller ones that you can rotate through the year. Here are a few ideas: Flowers, date night, a massage, a poem (it doesn’t have to be written by you), and lingerie -- for HER. A tech gadget, a tie and/or pocket square, a sexy photo of yourself, a massage, and a invitation to be pampered -- for HIM. You know your lover best. What would make them feel special and acknowledged as a sexual being? Do that. Do it consistently.

4. Topics of Conversation--Hot or Not?

When we get into a groove of managing life’s challenges we tend to talk about what’s not working and, consequently, solutions to our problems. Not sexy or romantic. While those conversations can be very productive and necessary, they don’t often lead to love making. I’m certainly not suggesting you stop communicating about the issues that you face, they need to be expressed. But what might get stirred up if you brought light, playful, fun, intimate conversation to the table as well? Can you think of a topic of conversation that’s laced with romance and desire that interests you both? You may have to get creative here or curious. The point is this, all work and no play (conversationally) makes for a less-than-romantic relationship.

5. Become a Curious George

That little monkey is always getting into something! His curious spirit takes him on adventures big and small. He has a wonderlust that keeps him constantly learning new things. Now imagine how applying that same curiosity to your intimate relationship could reengage romance. A common trap we all fall into is resigning to “know” each other. We think the person we’re with is “this way” or “that way” or we assume there’s nothing more to explore so we give up trying. It doesn’t have to be that way. If you adopt a Curious George perspective, new opportunities for romance open up. To put it simply, “thinking you already know” shuts things down. Being curious opens them up. Plus, it’s way more fun!

I challenge you to try on one or two (or go bold and tackle all 5) of these techniques this week. Running a business, meeting deadlines, tending to the house and bills, and rearing the kids is super important. And so is romance...it’s the glue that binds an intimate partnership. If you take action now (and be consistent) you can prevent it from drying out and crumbling.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

I created the following in response to a coaching client who shared the biggest challenge she was facing with her partner on a daily basis. They're both are under a lot of pressure at work and they have 3 kiddos. The first face-to-face at the end of the day was getting to be too unbearable until we talked through this strategy. Now they have a 'way to be' with one another that supports their goal of a loving marriage and happy family.

Here's a TIP for LOVERS who live together:Create a "Venting Protocol". You know how sometimes at the end of a long day you come home from work, you're tired, stressed, frustrated and you walk into an even more chaotic space? Your partner has had a bad day and it seems like they're taking it out on you? -OR- You had a brilliant day and can't wait to share it with your lover, but they are in a pissy mood. Instead of allowing this dark energy to get the best of you, leading to an argument, ruining the rest of the day, give each other 3-5 minutes (no more) to VENT. One person asks the other, "Listening or Feedback?". and then...

Lovers, take a DEEP BREATH.

VENTER: Let it ALL out. Huff. Puff. Make faces. Release whatever has been nagging at you all day.

LISTENER: Be present and just listen. And at the end of 3-5 minutes (seriously, no more) give feedback if (and only if) requested.

Then SWITCH, if necessary.

Finally, take another DEEP BREATH (or 2 or 10). And move on.

The key here is if your lover has had a bad day and needs to get something off their chest, sometimes they JUST want to be HEARD. This is where you LISTEN and be PRESENT. Other times, they want to work through something. This is where you LISTEN, be PRESENT and give feedback. Notice I didn't say try to FIX their situation. Couples who can effectively support each other in times of challenge often do so by allowing for individual growth. This comes from partners recognizing their strengths and abilities to be resourceful and creative. Unless it's asked for, don't give your opinion. Give your heartfelt compassion and presence.

Having a "Venting Protocol" in place allows for a conscious RESPONSE to your lover's fear/frustration, rather than an unconscious REACTION.

Try it on like a pair of fancy panties...if it's not a good fit, no worries! I'd love to hear what DOES WORK for ya!

P.S. If you'd like support overcoming a specific challenge (you know, the one you've been tolerating and can't seem to fix on your own) and reaching your objectives where you and your partner are once again on the same page, communicating effectively, and working as a cohesive team -- LET'S TALK.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Working as a Relationship and Intimacy Coach, I often encounter male clients who report concerns about not doing the “right things” to stimulate and arouse their partner during sex. On the flip side, I also hear from women sharing versions of “we pretty much do the same thing every time” or “I’m not really into it” or “I don’t get turned on like I used to”. These patterns have the ability to disconnect two people.

Since sex is often a touchy subject and in general, we are not in the practice of verbalizing our authentic sensual desires, I sense this challenge probably rings true for many couples at some point in their relationship. When this type of intimacy and communication start to break down, other aspects of the partnership may soon follow. However, sexual intimacy doesn’t necessarily have to wane as life gets more demanding. It can be easy to attribute the lack of energy or creativity to time constraints, kids, or exhaustion from work/life, etc. but the benefits of cultivating and maintaining a healthy sex life are too important to dismiss.

The 7-Step Sensual Sampler can help relieve some of the anxiety, frustration, or apathy in a relationship by reinstating fun, connection, and satisfaction. Imagine for a moment being curious about your lover’s turn-ons. What might it be like to have him/her lovingly explore your body? What would be possible if you were both in a playful, uninhibited state and were communicating exactly what you wanted to one another? Now imagine those same qualities of curiosity, loving exploration, playfulness, and clear communication carrying over into other aspects of your relationship. How could that strengthen the partnership?

Inspired by a Sex Nerd Sandra podcast, I recently created a the following intimate exercise to help both partners (re)discover what gets the motor running. I call it The Sensual Sampler. Think about it. When you’re uncertain what appetizer you want to eat, you order the sampler platter so you can explore and enjoy different flavors, textures, and so on. Maybe you really like some while other items on the plate don’t do it for you. Do you ever find you’re fond of something you hadn’t tried before? Well this pleasure play exercise is just like that!

The Sensual Sampler works like this:

Step 1. Choose a time that works for both of you to just PLAY. You may have to schedule this and plan ahead if you’re very busy. Anticipation can be exciting!

Step 2. Begin playtime agreeing to just “see what feels good”. No expectations. No judgments or criticisms. No need to be serious. Really let your hair down.

Step 3. Decide who samples whom first. One of you gets to relax, breathe and feel. The other samples an area on your body no bigger than the space his/her hand (with fingers spread wide) covers.

Step 4. Kiss, lick, nibble, caress, massage, etc. that small area of your lover’s body while inviting them to respond.

Step 5. As the recipient of the sampling, share your experience with your partner. You might say things like: “good”, “not so good”, “harder”, “softer”, “more of that”, “move on”, etc. Essentially, you want to let them know what you like, what you don’t care for, and to what degree (really turns you on, feels okay, uncomfortable, etc.).

Step 7. Switch. Of course if you’re both so turned on and connected that the desire for passionate lovemaking is too much to ignore – go for it! Keep the fire stoked by carrying over the stimulating and arousing pleasure play techniques into intercourse.

You can always repeat steps 1-7 with the other partner sampling another time.

Based on my experience as well as the feedback I receive, if a couple is able to communicate openly in bed, they are more apt to speak freely and lovingly elsewhere. The bonus here is you may encounter areas of your body that you did not know were pleasurable. More pleasure equals more ease. One thing’s for sure: this fun little exercise will shake up the routine. Plus, letting your hair down, communicating what feels good, and inviting your partner to playfully explore with you can really increase intimacy in a relationship. You never know, you just might learn something about your lover you have yet to discover.

Enjoy!

And if you'd like a COMPLIMENTARY personalized "Intimacy Evaluation" contact me today!

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

WOW. THIS is powerful. I read this article and was immediately connected to what I've been attempting to convey to my guy. Yes, I can take care of myself. Yes, I know he loves me and is always there for me. But my experience is that of always being the one who takes care of everything that is not his work. - www.besomebody.co In other words, I feel as though I'm the one who's taking care of everything form groceries (and all other domestic responsibilities) to puppies to dinner dates to sexual satisfaction. Sometimes I need to hear these 3 words.

Those are all nice to say, and many women want to hear them from their partner; they like to feel cherished. But none of those by themselves will necessarily have her soften all warm-putty-like into your hairy masculine arms.

The three sexiest words I’m referring to speak to primal forces within both men and women. An archetypal trip wire, these eight letters strung together can trigger a man’s spine to straighten and make a woman swoon.

I wish I could say I figured this one out by myself, but a lady friend had to point this out. Once she did, I looked back to my own intimate relationships and saw overwhelming evidence for her case everywhere.

We were having coffee when she started telling me about her new boyfriend. He was refined and kind, loving and intelligent. He was a creative artist, and an accomplished one at that. She felt him a good man and she was happy. Then she told me about the first morning they woke up together, and that’s when she really lit up during our conversation.

She has a dog. Normally the dog gets her up early to go pee outside when she’s still in comatose denial of an outside world. On this particular morning, when the dog woke her up as usual, her new beau opened his eyes, looked at her and with nary a hesitation, issued the most magical three-word spell she could recall ever hearing from a man. She said these words slid from his masculine mouth smooth as a river stone and strong as steel (that’s my interpretation of what she said). She swooned. She relaxed. Under his sudden spell she felt herself completely protected and cherished by this man’s love.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Just as a body or a business needs attention to be healthy, so does a relationship.

The damage begins when one 'believes' that they cannot have it all. This notion that we have to sacrifice one to build the other is bullshit. It's an EXCLUSION mind-set. (I don't know why we all buy into the exclusion mind-set -- is it because it gives us a handy little excuse to not show up? Or because it serves as the ever present 'out' when we don't want to take responsibility for what we've created?)

I prefer an INCLUSION mind-set. I choose to believe that I/WE CAN HAVE IT ALL...NOW.

Call me crazy. But it's this belief and way of being that has miracles occur. (That's a good thing.) On the practical side, 'to have it all' requires consciously created systems and structures to be in place. The key words being 'consciously created' -- because whether we're aware of them or not, our entire lives are framed by systems and structures. Albeit, mostly the unconsciously created type (or those others have chosen for us).

So yes, INCLUSION requires consciousness (aka waking the fuck up). It includes (hehe) a higher level of self awareness and the ability to distinguish between one's individually chosen beliefs and that of the pre-programmed collective cop-out. That is, what's being sold to us by others.

I want no part in a reality that is fundamentally EXCLUSIVE, where the cornerstone belief states that one must sacrifice a part of themselves or their life to fully experience another.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Stressed, burdened with life's difficult problems and fear that your health is declining? Then sex is the answer to happiness, longevity and a healthy body. You don't agree?

Well, here is a list of the health benefits of sex, so do it daily to experience complete pleasure. These are 16 reasons to have sex today!

1. De-stress Sex helps you reduce stress. When deep breathing exercises fail to de-stress you, sex will do the job. During sex your body produces dopamine, a substance that fights stress hormones, endorphins, aka "happiness hormones" and oxytocin, a desire-enhancing hormone secreted by the pituitary gland. In a study, published in the Public Library of Science journal, three neuroscience researchers conducted a test on male rats and found that the sexually active rats were less anxious than rats with no sexual activity.

2. Great Form of Exercise Making love is a form of physical activity. During intercourse, the physiological changes in your body are consistent with a workout. You must have noticed that the respiratory rate rises, which means you get tired. Hence, you burn calories. If you have sex three times a week for 15 minutes (but we know you can do better than that) you'll burn about 7500 calories in a year. That's the equivalent of jogging 75 miles! Heavy breathing raises the amount of oxygen in your cells, and the testosterone produced during sex keeps your bones and muscles strong.

3. Lowers High Blood Pressure Hugs and sex can improve your blood pressure. Sex reduces diastolic blood pressure, that is, the bottom number while reading blood pressure. Researchers with the University of Paisley conducted an experiment on the same. They concluded that sex improves blood pressure.

4. Builds Your Immunity Trying to fight the sniffles? Sex is the answer to fight cold and other health problems; sex can boost your immunity. Immunoglobulin A, an antigen that fights the flu increases when the frequency of sex increases.

5. Makes You Look Younger Making love three times a week can make you look 10 years younger, claims a Scottish researcher. "It's good for you to have good sex," says David Weeks, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, whose study on the effects of sex on aging appears in his book, Secrets of the Superyoung.

6. Healthy Heart Sex helps you burn calories but it can also improve your heart. Sex will stave off stroke and heart attacks, you just have to enjoy the moment. Scientists with New England Research Institute examined the effect of sex on the heart. The study concluded that men are 45 percent less likely to experience cardiovascular diseases. But the study fails to study the effect of sex on a woman's heart. (Hmmmmm)

7. Pain Relief Pleasure is the measure to override the pain. Do you experience migraines and body pain? Well sex is the answer. But if you experience back pain, it is best to consult a doctor. Dr. George E. Erlich, an arthritis specialist from Philadelphia conducted a study on the link between arthritis and sex. He narrows down that patients who engaged in sex experienced less pain.

8. Builds Trust and Intimacy Love making spikes the hormone oxytocin; this hormone is responsible for your happiness and love. If your feel your relationship is falling out, there is trust or you're worried that your partner will stray away, then make love! and dispel these doubts. The hormone oxytocin builds trust and brings couples closer.

9. Reduces Risk of Cancer Regular ejaculation reduces your chances of developing prostate cancer. In an Australian study men who ejaculated 21 times a month were least likely to develop cancer. It is further supported by other researches that sexual intercourse reduces the risk of prostrate cancer.

10. Stronger Pelvic Muscles Sex involves the use of several muscles; hence regular sexual intercourse can help you develop stronger pelvic muscles. Further, since the act of sex involves a range of muscles, it also helps strengthen these muscles - for ex: quads, your core, and the upper back. Through regular sex, you can also maintain a strong bladder and bowel function. Strong muscles, calorie burner, improves heart health - sex seems to take care of you.

11. Prostate Protection Most of the fluid you ejaculate is secreted by the prostate gland. If you stop ejaculating, the fluid stays in the gland, which tends to swell, causing lots of problems. Regular ejaculation will wash those fluids out and ensure the well being of your prostate until old age. Problems may also occur when you suddenly change the frequency of ejaculations.

12. Induces Sleep After that great, lovely workout you are bound to get good sleep. But guess what? Sex works the same way as exercise. The increased heart rate leads to increased post-coital relaxation. Sex could be the next thing for insomniacs! So what really happens: - Sex can relax you, hence if you are already tired, the act of sex will induce sleep. - When men ejaculate they become lethargic, this can make them sleepy.

13. Regular Periods Apparently sex can improve your menstrual cycle. Sex regulates hormones, which in turn regulate the menstrual cycle. Sex reduces stress, which is one of the reasons women miss their periods. Sex seems like a better option than pills.

14. Prevents Erectile Dysfunctions Fifty per cent of men older than 40 suffer from erectile dysfunctions and all young men fear the moment when they won't be able to get it up any more. The best medicine against impotence is...sex. An erection keeps the blood flowing through your penile arteries, so the tissue stays healthy. Plus, doctors compare an erection to an athletic reflex: the more you train the more capable you are to perform.

15. Live Longer A healthy heart, stronger muscles, increased circulation of oxygen and happiness are some of the factors that add life to the years and as a result - years to your life. A study published in the British Medical Journal reveals that men who engaged in sex often live twice as those who rarely had any action.

16. Healthier Semen If you're trying to conceive, increasing the volume of semen through regular sex may be a good thing. Regular sex (or ejaculation) replaces old sperm in the testicles. If there is a long-term build up of sperm they can experience DNA damage.

Colette Davenport helps healers, empaths, and creatives get their magic back. By ending their secret addictions and self-sabotage, clients gain the clarity, confidence, and direction to take their lives to a whole other dimension. Colette is an international coach and speaker, a published author, and the founder of Badass Empath Academy, the school for gifted people.

“Over the course of 25 years, I've had the honor of helping people heal themselves of chronic illness, reestablish intimacy in sexless marriages, turn struggling businesses into profit-generating ones, and leave the 'safe' job (or relationship) they loathed for a life they LOVED. This is my calling.” — Colette Davenport

Colette Davenport

Colette is an international speaker and coach + master empath who helps sensitive souls get their magic back. Her new book, Get Your Magic Back: Emotional Mastery for Empaths, teaches her signature 4-step process for ending anxiety, depression, and addiction.