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10 Black Hole facts you didn’t know were true

Black Holes are an area the size of Wales (but with fewer irritating road signs). They can be fit into an empty crisp packet, which can be inflated then popped, sending cheese and onion fragments incalculably infinite distances into the universe forever. Also new Marmite flavour.

The existence of Black Holes prove that space and time are curved, if not figure of eight shaped. This means you may have to go and see The Theory of Everything over and over again, although the first time you saw it you didn’t think it was all that, probably because you hoped it was the one where Eddie Redmayne dressed up as a woman.

Without Black Holes we would not have digital watches, non-stick frying pans or irritating animations which show you what Black Holes really are.

The blackboard calculation proving the existence of Black Holes was bought by John Lewis and sold as a wallpaper design. Infinite numbers of wallpaper rolls had to be recalled when someone spotted a {-} erroneously appeared instead of ‘~’. Rookie error.

The resurgence of Red Dwarf theory was first thought to be as inexplicable as Black Holes. Then scientists discovered that the BBC had -0 to the power of 10 new ideas for comedy science fiction.

There may now be more Nectar Points in the universe than Black Holes. Sainsbury’s scientists say if these were gathered together in an incalculably dense mass at the edge of space-time they could buy a Morphy Richards Iron, subject to availability.

Theoretically, an infinite number of extra terrestrial beings have heard the new series of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, but only five of them think it’s a patch on the original series from 1981.

It’s estimated by a computer model that there is an infinitesimal chance a Black Hole may ironically open up at Hawking’s funeral, causing Brian Cox to disappear up his own arse.

In 1995, Hawking announced he could find no evidence for so called ‘beige holes’ which, it was claimed, were like black holes but discovered at a time when all computers were beige, for reasons scientists have yet to uncover.