Woman flees abuse after seeing impact on children

Published: Sunday, December 22, 2013 at 4:30 a.m.

Last Modified: Saturday, December 21, 2013 at 10:36 p.m.

Fear and isolation left 32-year-old Catrina McKinney feeling trapped in an abusive relationship with her then-husband.

Facts

Editor's note:

This is the first in a series of articles about the Children and Family Resource Center's 5 Promises campaign, which aims to ensure success for all children in the community. The campaign focuses on five keys to success: be a caring adult; provide safe places; provide a healthy start; deliver an effective education; and provide opportunities to serve. Continuing through the month of January, the Times-News will publish human interest stories highlighting the need to fulfill the 5 Promises.

The mother of four said her children motivated her to leave.

"That was probably the only thing, because if it wasn't for them and the things that they had seen, I probably wouldn't have gone," McKinney said.

During their relationship, McKinney said her ex-husband would allow her children to do something one day and become angry with them for doing it the next.

Before she left, McKinney said her stomach was tied in knots. She was nervous and hesitated about leaving, but said her children motivated her to go through with it.

When she left, she went straight to Mainstay's shelter in Hendersonville.

This year, Mainstay has provided shelter for 106 children, which is 18 percent higher than in 2012. The nonprofit serves nearly as many children each year as it does women.

McKinney married in October 2012. She said the relationship started out rocky, but she was hopeful for change.

"Our relationship wasn't very good from probably the beginning, but I figured you know, hey, if we get married maybe he'll change — no, it got worse," McKinney said. "It got way worse. I ended up with a broken nose, two black eyes, a busted lip — it was pretty bad and then everything in our house was destroyed; he broke everything."

During McKinney's relationship with her ex-husband, she did not own her own car or cellphone. He would drop her off and pick her up from work. The family was living in Canton, where McKinney had no friends or family.

"It is very scary, and not knowing anybody up there and what to do or who to talk to and everything it is scary," McKinney said. "At that point, I didn't have anybody to watch my kids and I didn't know anybody in Canton and he wanted us to move out there because we knew nobody."

Following an altercation the couple had in April, he was arrested. Since McKinney had already paid her rent for the following month and summer was approaching, she stayed at their home in Canton until early July.

"I tried to stick it out as long as possible because I didn't want to quit working and the kids had just started school there, so I didn't want to have to change their school," McKinney said. "So I wanted to stay until they finished."

After arriving at Mainstay, she and her children lived in shelter for around 30 days.

"You could tell that they were still scared, even though they still tried to be strong," McKinney said of her children, who range in age from 12 to 6.

At night, all four children would try to convince McKinney that they could snuggle up for the night in her twin–sized bed, but she said she'd have to persuade them to go to sleep in their own beds.

By the end of July, the family was able to move into their own apartment through Mainstay's self-sufficiency program.

"Where we're at, there's a little playground out there, so the kids will take their bikes and their skateboards and play on the playground," McKinney said.

McKinney said she no longer feels like she has to look over her shoulder or be concerned about who is around anymore.

Following the altercation in April, McKinney got word from the Department of Social Services that the father of her three oldest children, who she says was also abusive, had died in 2012. Until she learned of his death, McKinney said she felt as if she constantly had to look over her shoulder for fear he would find her.

"That was like my pattern, to pick the most unstable person out there," McKinney said of her relationships.

Now she said she is taking time away from any type of romantic relationship. She is taking time to get to know herself and build a strong support system for herself and her family.

McKinney says she is proud of "getting myself fixed and realizing that, you know, it wasn't me. Not everybody is nice, and people do treat you that way sometimes and that I don't have to deal with it; I don't have to sacrifice anything to be me."

In her friendships, McKinney said she now looks for people who are stable and aren't bouncing around in their relationships and show respect to other people.

In the past six months, McKinney said she can see a dramatic change in her children. She says they have come out of their shells.

"You can tell that they're happy. The biggest (change) is probably Tanner, 6. I mean that kid he just loves to go outside and play and climb, and he's always picking on the other kids," McKinney said. "I mean he's the youngest, but he will stand up to them and he will pick on them."

She said her oldest, Sydney, 12, has begun to score higher in all of her school work.

"I guess because now she can concentrate," McKinney said. "She really tries now."

The proud mother said she's happy to be able to offer stability and consistency for her children.

"It is so much more calming and relaxing, and with all of the resources that Mainstay offers, I feel like I can be the better mom because before everybody was always uptight and you know they couldn't do things at certain times," McKinney said.

McKinney is now working at the Dandelion Eatery and training new members of Mainstay who work there.

"Honestly, if I had known that Mainstay was going to help out as much as they have, I would have left a long time ago," McKinney said. "I wouldn't have waited."

<p>Fear and isolation left 32-year-old Catrina McKinney feeling trapped in an abusive relationship with her then-husband.</p><p>The mother of four said her children motivated her to leave.</p><p>"That was probably the only thing, because if it wasn't for them and the things that they had seen, I probably wouldn't have gone," McKinney said.</p><p>During their relationship, McKinney said her ex-husband would allow her children to do something one day and become angry with them for doing it the next.</p><p>Before she left, McKinney said her stomach was tied in knots. She was nervous and hesitated about leaving, but said her children motivated her to go through with it.</p><p>When she left, she went straight to Mainstay's shelter in Hendersonville.</p><p>This year, Mainstay has provided shelter for 106 children, which is 18 percent higher than in 2012. The nonprofit serves nearly as many children each year as it does women.</p><p>McKinney married in October 2012. She said the relationship started out rocky, but she was hopeful for change.</p><p>"Our relationship wasn't very good from probably the beginning, but I figured you know, hey, if we get married maybe he'll change — no, it got worse," McKinney said. "It got way worse. I ended up with a broken nose, two black eyes, a busted lip — it was pretty bad and then everything in our house was destroyed; he broke everything."</p><p>During McKinney's relationship with her ex-husband, she did not own her own car or cellphone. He would drop her off and pick her up from work. The family was living in Canton, where McKinney had no friends or family.</p><p>"It is very scary, and not knowing anybody up there and what to do or who to talk to and everything it is scary," McKinney said. "At that point, I didn't have anybody to watch my kids and I didn't know anybody in Canton and he wanted us to move out there because we knew nobody."</p><p>Following an altercation the couple had in April, he was arrested. Since McKinney had already paid her rent for the following month and summer was approaching, she stayed at their home in Canton until early July.</p><p>"I tried to stick it out as long as possible because I didn't want to quit working and the kids had just started school there, so I didn't want to have to change their school," McKinney said. "So I wanted to stay until they finished."</p><p>After arriving at Mainstay, she and her children lived in shelter for around 30 days.</p><p>"You could tell that they were still scared, even though they still tried to be strong," McKinney said of her children, who range in age from 12 to 6.</p><p>At night, all four children would try to convince McKinney that they could snuggle up for the night in her twin–sized bed, but she said she'd have to persuade them to go to sleep in their own beds.</p><p>By the end of July, the family was able to move into their own apartment through Mainstay's self-sufficiency program.</p><p>"Where we're at, there's a little playground out there, so the kids will take their bikes and their skateboards and play on the playground," McKinney said.</p><p>McKinney said she no longer feels like she has to look over her shoulder or be concerned about who is around anymore.</p><p>Following the altercation in April, McKinney got word from the Department of Social Services that the father of her three oldest children, who she says was also abusive, had died in 2012. Until she learned of his death, McKinney said she felt as if she constantly had to look over her shoulder for fear he would find her.</p><p>"That was like my pattern, to pick the most unstable person out there," McKinney said of her relationships.</p><p>Now she said she is taking time away from any type of romantic relationship. She is taking time to get to know herself and build a strong support system for herself and her family.</p><p>McKinney says she is proud of "getting myself fixed and realizing that, you know, it wasn't me. Not everybody is nice, and people do treat you that way sometimes and that I don't have to deal with it; I don't have to sacrifice anything to be me."</p><p>In her friendships, McKinney said she now looks for people who are stable and aren't bouncing around in their relationships and show respect to other people.</p><p>In the past six months, McKinney said she can see a dramatic change in her children. She says they have come out of their shells.</p><p>"You can tell that they're happy. The biggest (change) is probably Tanner, 6. I mean that kid he just loves to go outside and play and climb, and he's always picking on the other kids," McKinney said. "I mean he's the youngest, but he will stand up to them and he will pick on them."</p><p>She said her oldest, Sydney, 12, has begun to score higher in all of her school work.</p><p>"I guess because now she can concentrate," McKinney said. "She really tries now."</p><p>The proud mother said she's happy to be able to offer stability and consistency for her children.</p><p>"It is so much more calming and relaxing, and with all of the resources that Mainstay offers, I feel like I can be the better mom because before everybody was always uptight and you know they couldn't do things at certain times," McKinney said.</p><p>McKinney is now working at the Dandelion Eatery and training new members of Mainstay who work there.</p><p>"Honestly, if I had known that Mainstay was going to help out as much as they have, I would have left a long time ago," McKinney said. "I wouldn't have waited."</p><p>Reach Bindewald at 694-7890 or renee.bindewald@blueridgenow.com.</p>