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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)

Love Means Having Someone to Lose: Engineers Not Exempt

I saw the movie 'Rush' a few days ago with my teenage son, and I was struck by Lauda's brilliance, calculated risk-taking, and execution (I promise I won't spoil the plot for you).

Lauda initially took out a loan and bought his way into Ferrari as their number two driver. He then went to work with the mechanics to reconfigure his car. Driving Lauda's car, Ferrari's number one driver was able to shave 2.3 seconds off his time. Of course Lauda renegotiated his contract with Ferrari at that point.

Just before Niki married, he said to his wife-to-be, I'm not going to be very good at this -- at holding hands, remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And yet the next scenes were of joyful love, followed by fear. Niki essentially said that happiness means it's the end because he now has someone to lose.

I've seen a lot of engineers that are afraid to show their love. That doesn't mean it's not in there, and it doesn't mean that s/he is not capable of learning to show it. It also doesn't mean that s/he is not already showing love -- it just may not be in the way you are expecting to see it.

Many of the traits and skills that have made us successful in school and work may not be the ones that make us successful once we walk in the door at home.

Yet we need all of those traits and skills. We have to figure out which ones to use where, and how loud to use them in a given situation.

The takeaway this time: Experiment with not treating the love of your life like a co-worker.

Check out Hazel Markus\\\' and Alana Conner\\\'s new book, Clash!, 8 Cultural Conflicts that Make Us Who We Are, for some insight about how the male-dominated culture of engineering may inadvertently reinforce a certain kind of behavior based on male predominance in tuning into their "independent" self vs. their "interdependent" self... and consider that "work" and "school" in Silicon Valley may reflect a lot of this culture of "independence" where a more balanced focus on "independence" and "interdependence" might create better and higher quality solutions for all... Fortunately not all engineers embody the perspective that "independence" is the only thing that really counts... it just seems that way sometimes.