The Road to Perfection: SF 49ers Regular Season Predictions

Two games into the preseason and approaching the start of the regular season, the San Francisco 49ers are looking to make it to the playoffs for the first time since 2002. Hopes always run high during training camp, but can dreams really come true? Let’s pull out the crystal ball and find out.

Week One: At Arizona Cardinals

Who to start? Must you really ask?

Coach Singletary mistakenly names Alex Smith as the starting quarterback. Smith throws three picks in the first half before injuring his recently healed shoulder from a crushing sack by Karlos Dansby. Shaun Hill comes in the game with the team behind 21-3. He completes 19 of 24 passes with 4 touchdowns. Frank Gore breaks the century mark and scores a touchdown. Coach Singletary explicitly promises after the game that he “would never again hesitate when deciding between Hill or Smith.”

49ers: 41 Cardinals: 24

Week Two: Versus Seattle

Mr. Clutch

Down by seven points with 45 seconds remaining on the clock, the 49ers score on a Hill pass to Issac Bruce. With only 5 seconds on the clock, Joe Nedney fakes the p.a.t. and scores the winning two-point conversion unscathed. 49ers: 29 Seahawks: 28

Week Three: At Minnesota

Patrick Willis channels Ray Lewis-ness when he delivers a season-ending tackle to star running back Adrain Peterson on the first play of the game. Adrian Peterson fantasy football owners across the nation sob quietly in their rooms. 49ers: 33 Vikings: 9

Week Four: Versus St. Louis

Don't you dare drop that!

Having gone three consecutive games without a single catch, Vernon Davis yells at Shaun Hill during practice to “give me the ball, fool!” Hill sure does. Davis finishes the game with a career-high 15 receptions (not one pass dropped) and scores three touchdowns. Glenn Coffee also returns two punts for a touchdown after Allen Rossum leaves the game with a sore left shoulder.

49ers: 44 Rams: 3

Week Five: Versus Atlanta

{Insert comment here}

Mike Singletary is ejected from the game after arguing vehemently at the referees for several bad calls. The 49ers are empowered by his display of passion, and go on to tie the NFL record for most touchdowns in a game with 10.

49ers: 76 Atlanta: 7

Week Six: At Houston

A battle between two offensive juggernauts. Steve Slaton and Frank Gore both have 200+ yards rushing, but the 49ers pull away with a the victory. 49ers: 54 Houston: 21

Week Seven: At Indianoplis

Indianopolis takes an early 21-0 lead after the 49ers suffer defensive breakdowns and turnovers on special teams. Shuan Hill helps cut the lead down to 28-14 before halftime. The 49er’s defensive line record their 8th consecutive 10+ sack game. Later, the 49ers cruise to an easy win. 49ers: 41 Colts: 21

Week 9: Versus Tennessee

Joe Nedney does it again

A seesaw battle between two undefeated teams. Issac Bruce suffers a concussion and leaves the game in the second quarter with both teams deadlocked at 14 points apiece. The game then goes into overtime. Joe Nedney becomes the hero when he kicks a career high 62-yard field goal against winds blowing at 25 mph. 49ers: 20 Titans:17

Week 10: Versus Chicago

In the first prime time game of the year, the 49ers comeback to win on a Shaun Hill last minute 25 yard run into the end zone as time expires. The nation begins to take the 49ers seriously. 49ers: 38 Bears: 35

Montana-esque, but with better legs

Week 11: At Green Bay

After unretiring for the millionth time to join the Vikings at the start of the preseason, Brett Fav-ra leads Minnesota to a self-satisfying victory over the Green Bay Packers (he would retire again two days later citing “family” as being the primary reason).Clearly unfocused and spiraling quickly to the bottom of the league, the Packers give up completely as Aaron Rodgers is sacked a season high 11 times.49ers: 53 Packers: 3

Down he goes...again

Week 12: Versus Jacksonville

Former Head Coach of the Seattle Seahawks

Ravaged by injuries to their receivers corps again, the Seattle Seahawks do not score. “Complete and utter humiliation,” Coach Jim Mora admits to the media after the game. He is later fired by management and replaced by offensive coordinator Gregg Knapp.

49ers: 53 Seahawks: 0

Week 14: Versus Arizona

Monday night football against the lowly Arizona Cardinals. The 49ers experience a little deja vu towards the end of the game; down by four points and needing a touchdown with less then a minute on the clock, the 49ers reached 3rd and goal. Gore screams at Singletary during the timeout to, “give me the ball, man!” He sure does. Gore bulldozes through four Cardinals, sending one to the hospital later for a shoulder ailment, and scores the game-winning touchdown. 49ers: 31 Cardinals: 29

Run, Frank, run!

Week 15: At Philadelphia

A battle between the top two defenses in the league. Both teams’ offenses go three-and-out a combined 20 times. In the end, the 49ers were able to break out with three late 4th quarter touchdowns and one interception by Nate Clements to nail in the coffin. 49ers: 31 Eagels: 10

Week 16: Versus Detroit

One team is 0-14 and looking to repeat the unthinkable, and the other is 14-0 and looking to accomplish what only two teams in NFL history have done before. The 49ers narrowly come away with the victory after a late Lions’ charge that cut the lead to one score.49ers: 34 Lions: 28

Week 17: At St. Louis

Despite being 15-0, nine games ahead of the floundering second-place Cardinals, and having broken multiple NFL records, Coach Singletary decides to play his starters for the entire game; “I want winners!”Michael Crabtree has a breakout game, in which he catches 12 passes for 185 yards and scores three touchdowns. Frank Gores finishes the game with a season high 224 rushing yards and breaks the single-season record of 2,105 yards by Eric Dickerson.

49ers: 50 Rams: 3

Playoffs?!?!

Room for one more?

“Wow! A perfect season! Who would’ve known!” Dancing up and down in my joyous discovery, the crystal ball suddenly stops glowing brightly as it had done before. “Hey, what’s the big deal?” Shaking the large crystal ball vigorously, a message appears: “I have reached my potential. Please upgrade to the premium version of myself to continue.” Well, I guess most people can’t really predict what happens during the playoffs, even if you are perfect.

Like this:

LikeLoading...

Related

So…this might be the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen George Bush live. The 49ers blow harder than Paris Hilton. They suck. They will always suck. All they have is Frank Gore and as soon as his contract is up he’s outta there. Sorry bro, climb back into your Jerry Rice footy-pajamas and eat some Rice-A-Roni while you cry…

in that case, Hawksfan, you must haven’t seen your retarded mother yet, which would explain your projection of hate towards the niners, as your mother would suck the whole team and gobble up all the projectiles aimed toward her face.

If the niners do suck it is thanks to the seahawks shoddy run defense. Frank Gore had 3000 rush yards on them and that lulled the niners into thinking they could actually run the ball. Now if the seahawks hadn’t tackled so poorly shaun hill would have long since put on his alex smith costume and dominated the league. The Texans would have been routed, peyton manning woulda cried and brett favre woulda got hit by a 75 yard excessive old age penalty.

On a more serious note the niners have faced five playoff caliber teams, with four of their five losses against the vikings, colts, texans, and falcons. With the exception of the falcons, the games were decided by less than 4 points. Last time I checked, Paris Hilton didn’t need a Brett Favre miracle and a Reggie Wayne gimmick, to send her sucking.