Diary of Drudgery: Dolphins at Saints

Pregame

Applebee’s is the official sponsor of ESPN’s Monday Night Countdown. Featured on their menu is a quesadilla burger for the price of 1,820 calories, 46 grams of fat, and 4,400 grams of sodium, which makes sense after seeing Chris Berman and Tom Jackson’s combined waistline of 94.

Keyshawn Johnson is dressed like Ron Burgandy and gives some startling insight after interrupting the rumbling Berman: “If New Orleans get the ball first, I predict a bomb the first play of the game.” We’re going to hold you to that, Key.

Adam Schefter declared the NFL has moved Sunday’s Raiders-Chargers game in Oakland from 4:25 p.m. to 11:35 p.m. (ET) due to the MLB Playoffs. That and the fact not a soul east of San Diego gives a crap.

A graphic pops up, showing that since 2002 a whopping 71 percent of teams starting 3-0 make the playoffs. That number spikes to 82 percent for teams that start 4-0. The blood vanishes from my nether regions after realizing historically positive trends don’t apply to the Dolphins.

1st Quarter

14:56 – Pierre Thomas runs a two-yard thumper to the left as Keyshawn’s prediction comes up limping. Good job, good effort… But, on the very next play, Drew Brees finds Darren Sproles more wide open than Farrah Abraham’s legs for a gain of 48 (gulp).

11:56 – Sproles, listed at 5’6″ but closer to 5’4″, slips into the end zone untouched. 7-0 Saints

10:54 – Lamar Miller busts it loose down the left sideline for a gain of 20. “I like the start of this game for Jonathan Martin,” quips Gruden. Dolphins fans become confused.

9:52 – Tannehill runs what might be the first read-option of the year, taking off for 26 yards on the keeper to the New Orleans 18. Our own Rob Smith wisely suggested to take the over for Tannehill’s rushing yards (7.5). There’s too much success for the Dolphins to open this game. I feel like something bad is due to happen.

7:19 – The best player on the Dolphins, rookie kicker Caleb Sturgis, drops in the three-pointer after Daniel Thomas gets stuffed on 3rd and inches against a seemingly 15-man front. The camera shifts to the first non-creaturesque female Saints fan. Unfortunately for her poor father, she’s holding a sign reading: “Dome Sweet Dome!!!” 7-3 Saints

For the still-confused old people, dome means blowjob, and blowjob means fellatio.

4:44 – Paul Soliai lifts Saints running back Khriry Robinson from planet earth and delivers a rib-crunching body slam behind the line-of-scrimmage. I wonder how many children Paul has consumed this week.

2nd Quarter

15:00 – Jared Odrick introduces the world to the Pee-wee Herman dance after flattening Brees for the sack. Cameron Wake (out) would obliterate this offensive line.

14:11 – Mike Wallace drops a beautiful bomb from Tannehill in one-on-one coverage that could have been for six. Sigh. 60 million reasons to make that catch, Burnell. Yes, Wallace’s real first name is Burnell (Thanks again, @Smithers_Rob).

11:48 – Tannehill scrambles up the middle and coughs up the football near midfield, because sliding isn’t the cool thing to do in today’s NFL. Fumble number six on the season.

10:27 – Sproles gashes the Dolphins defense for a 21-yard catch because he’s 5’3″ and apparently runs a 4.0 in the 40. He’s the Early Boykins of the National Football League, meaning if he were just a little bit taller and a little bit bigger he’d be a hall-of-famer.

8:10 – Jimmy Graham, upset because he has no catches, decides to outleap multiple Dolphins defenders for a 27-yard touchdown because he’s 6’8″ and the best tight end in football. He has to already be the best redhead in NFL history, right? Speaking of red, this diary may bleed out by halftime. 14-3 Saints

A slick, new LeBron-dominated commercial advertising NBA 2K14 eases Miamians’ pain just a little, knowing the quest for three begins in a month.

5:06 – On 3rd and 9, with hope for teal fading, Marcus Thigpen catches a dingy and presses the R2-button for a 50-yard gain down to the New Orleans 5.

In case Miami fans may have forgotten, ESPN throws up a picture of Drew Brees signing back in 2006. In other news, Daunte Culpepper’s highlights lately include launching a restaurant in Orlando. On his menu is grilled watermelon. Seriously.

1:33 – After the Dolphins defense holds again, Tannehill tosses his first interception on an attempted slant to Hartline. The tribulations of playing quarterback in this league. He’s been perfect on all but two plays, yet that’s not good enough.

0:55 – Nolan Carroll misfires by gambling on the would-be interception as Lil Sproles walks into the endzone for yard number 114. Brees is 15-for-21 with 210 yards and two touchdowns. Ten bones the Dolphins sit on it after the return. 21-10 Saints

0:00 – Miami runs out the clock, because why try to score any points before the half when down by 11 on the road against one of the most prolific passing attacks in football led by a quarterback who wants to torture you for passing on him.

Halftime

Jack Daniels has entered the building as my girlfriend seriously asks me if the 69ers won this week. That about sums up the night.

Below is a tweet from the wife of Dolphins cornerback Brent Grimes.

This guy sitting BEHIND ME just tole me he males more money than my man. I bet he cant cover a receiver like him tho! Bitch!

4th Quarter

13:48 – Tannehill perfectly places a pass to Charles Clay in the left corner of the end zone. Kid has touch. The good news? I think we can say at 80 percent confidence he’s the third best quarterback in Dolphins history, which isn’t saying much but it’s a start. 35-17 Saints