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April 9, 2010

Tonight, we are having a “Very Special Teas with Rob”. Our lovely boy was incredibly busy on his whirlwind press tour, but he carved out just a smidge of his schedule to have Tea with his Lady and answer just a few pressing questions that are on the minds of his fans and admirers this week.

Or course, a brief view of the lady pillows and possibly a motor boat or two spurned his cooperation. He was desperately sorry he was unable to accommodate the Tea Room this evening, but he assures us he will be back as soon as the New Moon mania dies down.

As his time was scarce in the villa in which we met, and we had a few other… needs to attend to in the time we had, we got straight on to the interview.

Q1: Rob, as you well know, my boss Sue (I had to prompt him by using her code name, Chief Slap-a-Ho, which brought an enormous smile to his face) lost her computer last weekend and was out of touch, nearly killing her in the process. Do you have any thoughts to pass along to her?

A: Our lovely’s eyes grew wide and he immediately asked why we didn’t just contact him and he’d have a computer delivered to her post haste as he was nearly beside himself when she was unable to coordinate his security detail. He blames the clusterfuck (his word, not mine) of paparazzi this past week due to their complete disorganization which he can now attribute to the absence of his darling Chief. I comforted him, as he characteristically blamed himself for her lack of connection to the rest of the known world, by allowing him to rest his head upon my bosom and play Chopin against my inner thigh.

Q2: All right, here it is, as much as I hate to ask it. What about the pictures that surfaced this week of you and Kristen, sort of holding hands on a runway? Is it true that you are now endlessly in love and will soon be announcing your engagement and several small additions to your happy family?

A: The sweet boy sighed heavily and downed the entire bottle of… I mean, cup of tea and lit a cigarette. He took a few deep pulls before he looked me dead in the eye, making the Lady’s lady bits twitch. And then he opened his mouth, blowing smoke into the thick air and answered that yes, yes it was true. Every word of it. She held his hand and it was utterly and completely indicative of the depth and breadth of their relationship. She was his one, his only, the rest of his life and he knew that the minute her metacarpals met his carpals. The intimacy of holding hands is the ultimate display of everlasting love to him and he could not in any way imagine possibly allowing someone to touch his sacred digits but her ever again. Because, as the world knows, the touch of one’s hand to another, in more civilized times, required a dowry and a ring and he was nothing but old fashioned. One does not hold another’s hand, or sorta hold it, if they do not intend to make the subject of said hand holding an honourable woman. Because a lady can become in a “family way” if the hand is held without proper protection, like gloves. He is sorry to all of his fans and admirers, but yes, this hand hold was the death knell of his bachelorhood.

I nodded sadly before he grabbed my hand, tugged me into his lap and we played a little game of “Hide the Bishop” in my temple, mourning the loss of his availability. At least a few times. Well, maybe just the limitations on his availability, really. Or maybe just the idea of possible limiting in his availability in the very distant future.

Q3: *Panting and not even bothering straightening my clothes* Well, then, I guess you’re quite taken, as indicated by the hand holding incident. Duly noted. On the same note, as you probably know, your colleague, Mr. Facinelli, posted a Tweet not long after said pictures surfaced of he and your other colleague, Mr. Lutz, holding hand and obviously enjoying each other’s company. He mentioned that hand holding proves everything and followed it by #Pellan, his chosen nickname for this union. How do you feel about #Pellan? Are you supportive that your coworkers have chosen to come out in order to make your life easier?

A: *Shifting under me, as we continued the interview with me in his boxer brief clad lap* Our dear boy took a long drag, holding the cigarette to my lips and allowing me a relaxing puff as well before answering. He sat the cigarette in the ashtray and just nodded answering that if they were holding hands then of course they should make… whichever one of them was catching, an honest… partner. And, of course, should wed straight away. Obviously, by going out in public and allowing their unprotected fingers to touch, they were declaring their undying love. The lovely child vowed to support his cinematic father as he divorced his lovely wife and joined with his cinematic brother, even if there was something quite disturbing about thinking of it in that light. But, the hand hold is sacred and can never be broken. It is an eternal and unbreakable bond, even if he had mistakenly held hands with a hobo or two. We all have a failed love in our pasts. Obviously, #Pellan was meant to be.

At that point, he was obviously spent from so much talking about his impending carpal union, and needed to rest against his Lady’s jublies. He promised to have more time and energy once the fury of New Moon was behind him and would answer each and every question his lovely fans asked of him.