Glenn Beck Has Created a Batshit Insane Origin Story for Santa

Glenn Beck is fed up with Santa. Specifically, he's tired of the commercialized, belly full of jelly Santa we all know and mostly love. Beck, as he does with so, so many things, has a plan to fix the problem though: An origin story for good ole St. Nick that would make the guys at Marvel blush.

Beck's premise, which he explained thoroughly on his Dallas-based TV show last week, is the work of someone who is either completely mad or just really, really doesn't want anyone to have any fun celebrating the birth of their Lord.

First, from the book he's writing, slated to come out in time for the 2015 holiday season:

Agios is now trying to go hunt the wolves because he has seen that his son has been dragged away. "The ridge led downward and beneath a rocky overhang. He spotted two wolves, huge animals, snarling as they fought over something they were devouring. Agios leapt from the sledge before the animals could react, spear in one hand, knife in another. The startled wolves whirled and snarled. Both ran at him like gray ghosts speeding from the gathering gloom.

Agios leaned back on the spear, planting the spear deep inside the lead wolf as it leapt. The blade lodged between the shoulder muscles. The wolf jerked the knife from his hand. In blind fury, Agios grabbed the savage creature, held her muzzle in one hand, lower jaw in the other, and wrenched. Bone and sinew cracked, and the wolf fell...and retrieved the knife as he sank it into the animal's heart.

He saw the male, mortally wounded, on its belly, making its way towards him. He saw the fallen mate dragging the spear, spilling its own blood. He gave no thanks. Sobbing, cursing himself, he scrambled to the small ripped body beneath the overhang. "Alec," he moaned, and then he screamed, "My son!" But no living thing could hear. Night enclosed him. The pines creaked in sudden gusts. The mountain storm did not care. Agios screamed again a wordless sound of agony, guilt, and grief. The wind whipped his anguished cry into the darkness."

Agios, the guy doing the wolf-killing and son-mourning is Santa, as Beck went on to explain.

That's how our story begins. That's Santa? Yes, because what does a man do when he's in that position where he has no hope, no resurrection, nothing? What does he do? He goes on an amazing journey as a hunter, as a gatherer. He eventually is hired by three wise men because he can negotiate, because nobody is going to rip them off, and he knows how to get the very best gifts. And so he negotiates with gold, frankincense, and myrrh and then has to go protect that gold, frankincense, and myrrh and then through a series of events is left there to protect the Christ child, never interacting, just watching.

He doesn't know who he is, and he goes darker and darker in his whole life as he watches this boy grow, but he's always touched by him, but he doesn't realize it until the Sermon on the Mount. As this now 75-year-old man who has spent 30 years just following this little boy, as he's listening to the Sermon on the Mount, he finally breaks. He knows who he is, and he falls to his knees, and he says Lord, let me serve him. Let me protect him. Let me point the way towards him until his mission is finished.

He makes a pact. Little does he know in that pact he has now become immortal, because as he watches the crucifixion from afar and cannot get close to it, cannot stop it, he feels he fails again. He runs off before the resurrection. A thousand years pass until he meets another little boy, a little boy that happens to grow up to be what we know as Saint Nicholas.