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A Dad's Letter

Marianne was recently interviewed for a article by Aly Walansky for an article in Golacast A Dad's letter to his Childless Self.

Being a supportive partner during the tough postpartum period is extremely essential. In this article a dad of 3 kids addresses this issue of being supportive to his wife in the form of a letter that he wrote to a younger version of himself. Marianne was reached out and asked about how she thinks partners can help support new moms. Here’s the excerpts:

“Pregnancy is hard, as is being a new mother, and sometimes it feels to many young mothers like no one is really checking in with them and making sure they don’t feel they have to handle everything on their own.

Meghan Markle discussed this reality in a recent documentary and now, one dad has shared a letter to his “24-year-old childless self” in a Facebook post that quickly went viral.

Ted Gonder just saw the birth of his third child, and while on paternity leave, he took some time to think about what he learned over the time he’s been a husband, and a dad.

The wisdom he wanted to impart to his younger self, pre-kids, is a powerful lesson to new dads and future dads alike.

He shared this inspirational Instagram post written by his wife: My wife @franzilovesmondays with a brilliant dose of perspective, truth, and gratitude.⠀⠀“Lets talk #paternityleave - I have never felt so emotionally safe and protected than during this postpartum journey. Why? Because @tedgonder had the chance to take a 4-week paternity leave from his #remote leadership position while kids were on summer break and new life moved into our house. Here is what this meant for us and got me thinking about:- he was able to take the boys on adventurous afternoons and get their energy out while I recovered and rested with little Atlas- we were able to sync as a family and feel connected from day one (and yes...that is important for dads too!!)- we share the love, the new emotional labor of caring for another child, and the commitment to making this family adventure a meaningful one (not exhausting one) for all of us- because I was living with and surrounded by my sister, our best friend and the kids' god father and my husband plus my mum I never had the feeling that I have to toughen up and just do it on my own. Where are all the communities and mama supporters these days? How have we as mums gotten to the point where motherhood is a race to the top rather than a shared vision of raising a village of strong, fun, fulfilled, and connected kids? - have we ever thought about the correlation of postpartum #depression and loneliness? Becoming a mom...no matter whether its for the first, second, or fifth time is a hormonal and physical sensation that should be a) appreciated and b) enjoyed... With my husband at home I feel like I was 100% able to do so.- last but not least: those boys are also my husband's kids. He loves them. He wants to be around them. He wants to make them feel like that we are a strong-rooted family... So why would he not benefit emotionally from this break of everyday work-AND family life and just be a #dad for a moment?⠀⠀As an entrepreneurial family, I am shouting this out to all other fellow entrepreneurs thinking about the #mentalhealth of their employees. Be at the forefront of making life possible for your teams- that is how potential and productivity get unleashed”#mytinytribe#baby#mom#digitalnomad

Now a 29-year-old father of three, Ted reflected on everything he didn’t know before he became a dad.

To kick things off, Ted acknowledged all the work his wife Franziska went through in carrying their children to term.

Baby bonding

One big lesson he gleaned from that: “Wifey carried baby IN her belly for 9 months. So you carry baby ON your belly for 9 months every chance you get.

NOT ONLY DOES IT HELP HER RECOVER BUT IT BONDS YOU TO YOUR KID MORE THAN IMAGINABLE

Diaper duty

Ted also took the time to acknowledge how physically draining breastfeeding is for a new mother, encouraging partners to take over as much diaper duty as possible.

“You will get over the grossness fast,” he counseled. “And you will prevent imbalances and resentment in the relationship.”

As an added bonus, if other new moms complain about how unsupportive their husbands are, “your wife will be bragging about you.”

Treat your partner

But Ted realizes it’s not just about helping to care for your baby. To support his wife more directly, Ted advises: “Make her the decaf coffee every morning. Even if she leaves it cold and forgets to drink it most mornings because she falls back asleep while you’re working or (later) taking the kids to school.

SHE WAS UP ALL NIGHT FEEDING THE BABY SO HELP START HER DAY IN A WAY THAT HELPS HER RESET.

Acknowledge her strength and beauty

Ted also noted that pregnancy, labor, and birth all take their toll on a new mom’s body, and that can seriously affect confidence.

It’s important to “tell her she is beautiful and help her see that in the moments when she is feeling most self-critical and hopeless about her body,” Ted noted.

He suggested reminding her that she’s a “superhero” who “literally just moved all her organs around” to “give you a child that will be a gift to you for the rest of your life.”

Ted’s biggest takeaway

Having a baby does some major things to a woman’s hormones, so Ted advises himself to be patient and — above all — compassionate

“Remember your job is to be her rock through all of this, so toughen up and keep perspective when her tongue is sharper than you know her best self intends,” he wrote. “Normal will return soon and you want her to be grateful that you kept it together… not resentful and disappointed that you hijacked her emotions by making her problems yours.”

Gonder shared he wished he had been able to find some “good dad advice” along his own journey, so he’s providing that for other dads now.

Ted’s personal insight into what we would have done differently in the past 5 years is great, but what do childcare professionals think?

We turned to an expert to see how parents can build off of Ted’s letter to himself.

How to be a supportive partner

Do the heavy lifting

Ted was spot-on about helping lighten the figurative load for a new mom, but doing the literal heavy lifting is a big help as well.

“During pregnancy, her body including hormonal influxes can lead to back and pelvic pain. To help prevent your wife from developing aches and pains, try to take over the heavy lifting like grocery bags, lifting other children, moving furniture, cleaning and or laundry,” said Marianne Ryan, a physical therapist and board-certified orthopedic clinical specialist with more than 30 years’ of experience treating prenatal and postpartum women.

Give her massages

Acknowledging and celebrating what a new mother went through is just the first step. A more hands-on approach will help as well.

“Tell your younger self to offer your wife a massage when she is sore during and after pregnancy or take care of the baby while she goes for a massage or physical therapy sessions to relieve back pain,” said Ryan.

Food and diaper duty

Changing diapers isn’t the only part of carrying for your baby that you can take over, especially to help a new mother get some much-needed sleep.

“One thing you can do with a newborn is to have your wife go right to sleep after a 9-10p.m. feed and you take over caring for the baby in another room for the next few hours. When the baby wakes up around midnight, you feed and change the baby. Then when the baby wakes up 2 to 3 hours later your wife can resume feeding the baby. That way she will be able to get 4 to 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep,” said Ryan.

As much emotional support as possible

“Eating nutritious food on a regular schedule will help her feel more grounded and less cranky. If she is busy nursing the baby, you can make her a sandwich to eat while breastfeeding to help keep her blood sugar levels from plummeting. If you don’t know how to cook, try to buy some prepared foods that she likes and have it ready for her to eat,” said Ryan.

You can keep some healthy snacks ready in the refrigerator like cut up pieces of cheese and fruits.

Make sure to feed a new mom

As Ted mentioned, new mothers are recovering physically and totally sleep deprived. Along with compliments and thanks, compassion and understanding are the ultimate aid.

“Understand that she may be short tempered and cranky. If you respond even-tempered and ask her how she thinks you can help her she will find that very helpful. Don’t try to guess what she needs you to do. Keep a clear line of communication open,” said Ryan.”

MARIANNE RYAN PT, OCS is an award-winning author, physical therapist and board-certified orthopedic clinical specialist with more than 30 years’ experience treating prenatal and postpartum women. She is the owner and Clinical Director of Marianne Ryan Physical Therapy in New York City and the creator of the groundbreaking DIY “Baby Bod” program, which is the first of its kind to bridge the gap between medical care and fitness advice. As a leading women’s health expert (and a mom), Marianne is passionate about helping women reclaim their changed bodies, whether they are pregnant, recently took part in the joy of birth or are experiencing the “joy” of menopause. Watch her TEDX video, “What Your Momma Never Told You About Childbirth” at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Zyv5Inj_lE&

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