How to Drink

Drinking is an important part of life. It allows us to express ourselves with more clarity, it makes mediocre music seem less mediocre, and it lets us feel more important than we are. But many a night are wasted because we don’t take simple measures to enhance life’s great enhancement. So here are a few boons of awesomeness for your better-looking, more confident self.

Don’t Go to a Club
Dancing is fun, but it’s not the best way to interact with complete strangers. People at clubs never have any fun, because they’re too busy trying to act cool, which is decidedly uncool. If you insist on drinking to become “lost” in the music, then just stay home, fire up your iTunes player, and drink alone. There’s no shame in that.

Don’t Try to Drink Your Problems Away
Many determined souls have thrown caution and logic into the wind and attempted this feat. Although it seems heroic, there’s nothing heroic about wasting booze. If you really want to rid your life of problems once and for all, then man up and kill yourself.

Don’t Dress Up
Most people wear designer jeans and collared shirts to their local watering hole as if drinking was a classy activity. Drinking often gets confused with class because it’s expensive and pointless. So if you’re out to get certified, be honest with yourself and others. Mesh shorts and a fanny pack will get you more in touch with what’s really going on.

Try to Drink Your Problems Away
On second thought, this might be worth a try. Just because it has never worked before doesn’t mean it never will work, and I’ve got a good feeling about this next time. Besides, Hemingway did it all the time, and I’m pretty sure that his face didn’t look like a dump truck drove over it.

Keep a Drunken Journal
An important part of writing is allowing your subconscious to spill out onto the page, and drinking aids in this process. But be careful, for this may unearth dangerously revealing aspects of your inner self that are best left hidden. If this happens, simply go back over what you wrote the previous night and delete frightening phrases like, “I am so very lonely” or, “WE’RE ALL DEAD!” and then try to repress them as much as possible. This would be a good time to start drinking again.

Have a Drinking Contest
I don’t care how “enlightened” our society becomes; guys who can drink a deadly amount without dying will always garnish respect from their peers. Most girls, however, won’t partake in the festivities. Their prudishness is not because they’re smarter, as they will try to convince you mid chug-of-war, but because four out of five doctors agree that drinking more than seven Mike’s Hard Lemonades in one night will give you diabetes.

Don’t Become Close with Non-Drinkers
Sober-drunk tension is virulent, so these relationships are often doomed from the beginning. Anyway, people who remain sober all day are uninteresting, and are best left in your dust.

Don’t Listen to Doctors
It’s a little known fact that, “Don’t knock it until you try it, buuuudy” was Pauly Shore’s original catch phrase. Yet this is what doctors do every time they tell you not to drink, or that you have a “drinking problem.” Doctors don’t drink, so who are they to defy the wisdom of the 20th century’s most influential philosopher? If Nikki Sixx tells you to stop drinking, however, then it’s time to find a new way to become a better person.

The comedian Joe E. Lewis once said: “You’re not drunk enough if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” Truly, wisdom for the ages. For those of us in college, the carefree, youthful debauchery will soon come to an end and be replaced with mortgages and marriage. Given this time pressure, and with liver transplants being a common procedure, there’s no sense in spending your time lying on the floor without feeling the need to hold on.