I miss talking, I miss letting out all my worries and just blabbering it to my closest friends. Lately I feel as if I am bottling up all my emotions and its getting harder to just talk about anything that is wrong. I seem to have also developed a filter in me that doesn’t allow me to show any weakness or talk about anything really, do you guys experience it?

It’s like if there is something really bad happening I would rather bottle up so I don’t hear some unwarranted advice or something that hurts because I alone have the entire facts of the story. For example, I am not at all happy where I am at in my work life, going into the government sector was an insanely bad decision but helpful to learn from, I don’t regret that part. But I don’t feel comfortable with some comments that say: Use the time to start a small business, study, or stick it out. I feel as if I am dying creatively and the only way I can think of amending that would be by getting on my blog or instagram and just letting it out. Some might suggest I should turn my blog into a business, that would be smart but I am doing this out of love for the thing it’s a hobby I feel if I were to turn it into a work discipline thing then I will immediately start to hate it and feel confined.

Sometimes I feel that my brain is sabotaging me, I freak out and get anxious on the littlest things. Especially things that I know quite well myself I just feel as if I am underqualified when most times I might have more to offer than others. It’s a psychological thing for me and always has been. It’s exactly like how when I work out and diet for a few months lose some weight and someone comes up to me and says “Oh wow you lost weight, looking good!” I take that as a cue to start eating junky again and I gain what I lost and more. I have no idea why I do it, I just do.

Something just came to my mind, what if you could revisit your childhood and look at yourself as a child experiencing different things. It would be weird wouldn’t it? I was really thinking this thought because right now if you were to look back or remember something from way back then you would lose the details of that memory, you’d just remember brief things whereas if you were to revisit them by actually viewing them you would remember more.

I might be going cray-cray but still bear with me.

If you were to get a chance to walk into your old school (high school, middle school, whichever) and see the classes now you would feel that they are INSANELY SMALL! But when you remember your old school you will feel that classrooms back then were insanely big. The reason I’m saying this was because recently I visited my old school and went to the different classes and man did they feel insanely small. I was like really were they always this big, maybe it was because we were small back then but the different proportions of life you went through would be interesting to look at with your older mind and older eyes (granted my eyes are pretty much gone but still good to look at things).

Have you ever grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and was about to write something that was on your mind and the moment you put the pen on the paper it flies out of your head? Or have you ever opened a new tab in your browser and wanted to type a URL link and just stared blankly at the screen not being able to remember a thing about what you wanted to do?

No? Really, double check think about it again.

That just happened to me, two bouts of forgetfulness took place and it freaked me out. I think I’ll blame the fact that I was watching a TV Show while attempting to multi-task and for some reason the thoughts just flew out of my head but it can also mean that I’m ancient now. My memory has been bad lately and I don’t know what to do to improve it. I can’t remember things anymore whereas before I used to be able to remember everything and anything. Now I need to remember what I wanted to write on that piece of paper and what I wanted to search for :/ It’s going to bug me until I figure it out.

Share with me your experiences, if you had any hehe.

UPDATE: I just remembered I wanted to double check my phone bill that’s the URL I wanted to visit LOL! Oh thank God I won’t be losing sleep on that :P

Once upon a time, a long time ago (not really but it was a while back) I was a negative person, always thinking that the world was out to get me, always hating the cards I’d been dealt with and made it my life mission to constantly be depressed and a pessimist, then something magical happened and I became this other person. I became a person who was an optimist and tried to look at the brighter picture.

It might be something called “growing up” or it might be that I had a sudden jolt during a thunderstorm (in our case a dust storm) and I changed my outlook but it has helped a lot.

Yes life deals you some foul cards but it’s not the end of the world. Yes there are rude people out there but it doesn’t mean you have to be one of them in order to get by, sometimes the nicest of people can get the most accomplished.

When I was diagnosed back in January and was informed that surgery was the only way for me to be healthy again I won’t lie to you, I freaked out and cried (a tiny bit) but once that was out of my system I looked at it as an opportunity to be more healthy, an opportunity to get rid of something so bad in my body that will most definitely ruin my life if left untreated. And every doctor’s appointment since (check-ups that is) I just laugh it off and hope for the best.

They say laughter is what makes the heart young, I guess that means depression, negativity and sourness is what makes it old!

To all you negative people out there, I just want to tell you that there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel, you don’t have to think you are holier than thou and that you are the only one in this world who is dealt a bad card, some of you might have failed a class, might have been diagnosed with a serious illness, might have even lost a loved one by death or other means, might even have encountered other negative people… I just want to tell you that you don’t have to be all negative to get the attention you seem to crave. Life is so much better when you smile, life is so much better when you appreciate it, life is so much better simply because its not life who is dealing you the bad cards and waiting for you to hit rock bottom its simply testing your resolve and seeing how you would rise from this one challenge.

Life is good, only if you paint it that way and make it seem that way. Everyone has their own priorities and the stuff that would just turn it into hell but if you dwell on those you will simply miss out on living. And remember all the negativity you have in your body will only push everyone around you away. Out the door and they’d never look back!

We all suffer daily, some choose to move on with life and embrace it, while others simply choose to keep on suffering and paint themselves as the martyr in this chapter.

I have officially become the person who would walk by a living room that has a TV turned on and turn it off since the people who were in the room are either not in it anymore or fast asleep on the couch. I never thought I would be that person, one who would berate others (i.e. Lujain) for the fact that they have turned on the TV real loud and have left the room with it still on. Electricity is a precious thing and if anything from the new hit TV series “Revolution” is going to turn into a reality then we might have a limited time with all our electrical gadgets because one day they will all be turned off and we will no longer have a use for our iPhones, iPads, Zunes, iPods, Kindles, Nooks, Blenders, Aston Martins, and so much more. Really think about it!

Are you that person, have you started to truly feel the value of the gift of electricity which the famous Thomas Edison gave us back in the day? Do you walk around turning off lights, turning off TVs, turning everything off when no one is in the room, and sometimes when they are sitting right there just to prank them into thinking that the electricity just busted out a fuse?

If you ever needed proof that the Green-Eyed Monster exists then just turn to the left or right of your shoulder and you will be able to spot one sitting there just staring and trying to kill you with their daggar-like stares. The Green-Eyed Monster in this story happens to be the person who is simply jealous from what you own, who you are, and what you can be. I have fought long and hard with myself before attempting to write this post but thought that enough is enough. I am seeing this monster surface its head quite frequently and I always seem to be without my sword to chop its head off.

There is a saying I remember hearing in one of this seasons episodes of “Suits” by Jessica Pearson which states:

It is so much easier to criticize someone else than it is to acknowledge your own shortcomings.

Everyone around me has deemed it the perfect time to put on their critic hat and criticize everyone and anyone simply because that person does not adhere to their own mold of what a person should or shouldn’t be. I am seeing blogs appearing to criticize others on different subjects, while there are some subjects worth criticizing there are some that should not be put on the chopping block simply because “it is none of your business.” Any topic that borders on a person’s livelihood or income should not come into discussion simply because you will never have the full facts not to mention it is simply none of your business of how much this person makes doing whatever they do. You know how they tell you “never tell a friend/family member how much you make at your job” well it’s there for a reason. Each and every person has a different skill set, educational qualifications, you come from a different background, your negotiating skills are different so a company would not necessarily pay you the same as any other person just because they have to give everyone an equal amount of cash. What each person should say is “Thank God” or “El Hemdellah” for this gift from God because this is what is allowing you to survive and continue living.

I do not see people thanking God for anything anymore, all I hear is “Oh my God, this person is getting paid to do nothing” and “This person thinks they’re the shit because they studied at XYZ” and “Yeah this person is saying this because he/she has a hidden agenda” not to mention “Oh of course they are all in cahoots together, it’s because they are of the same nationality/mindset”. When will we all grow up and start seeing people as individuals and treat them with respect rather than being prejudice and racist to a certain nationality, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and the what not.

It’s truly shameful that we are sitting there counting the eggs of others not knowing that the person might not end up with 10 fully hatched eggs. Not knowing that a person might be in dire need of those eggs, or simply not even knowing that by the amount of hours we spend criticizing, judging, talking about others that we are losing bits and pieces of ourselves, our sanity, and so much more.

I might have not made any sense here but I kind of understand what I am getting at in my head. If I understand it then anyone can, and probably should. Don’t look at your friend, sibling, parent and think “Why don’t I have that?” “Why can’t I make that amount of cash?” “Why can’t I get the latest gadget/bag/dress?” instead say “Thank God for what I have and my good health” and think of a way to get what you want without eyeing what others have. If you saved your cash you would be able to get whatever you want, if you managed your time you could study whatever you want and so much more.

We are all guilty of this, I am guilty myself but I am learning to be grateful because the moment you are grateful God will reward you with so much more. In the words of Rissa S. Kawpeng:

Instead of focusing on what others have that I don’t, I thank God for what I do have. And before I know it, I forget what I’m envious about because I’m drowning in a sea of blessings.

And remember constructive criticism can help a person but only if it is delivered respectably supported with proof; name calling and being rude doesn’t help with sending the message that you want to send.

Everyone out there sits and judges people based on how they look, how they dress, how they act, or even just how they breathe. Some might say that a person is perfect whereas they don’t even know what that person is going through. There is a saying out there “Don’t just a book by its cover” which applies perfectly in this life.

Seriously, don’t just a person by how they appear. I may sit there with you laughing, having the time of my life but deep down inside I may be crumbling and falling apart. The main aim to this post is that I have always put myself down, and I think in a way I still put myself down. A million and one thoughts go through my head everyday and each and every one of them is worse than the other.