Do I have to quit my job if I want to date my boss? Ask HR

Workplace relationships are common but are they worth it? Human Resources expert Johnny C. Taylor, Jr. answers USA TODAY reader questions about whether it's OK to date your boss and what you should do to protect yourself.
USA TODAY

Think about whether entering into a romantic relationship is worth it before making a decision that could significantly affect your career and future.(Photo: Ridofranz, Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Johnny C. Taylor Jr., a human-resources expert, is tackling your questions as part of a series for USA TODAY. Taylor is president and CEO of the Society for Human Resource Management, the world's largest HR professional society.

The questions are submitted by readers, and Taylor's answers below have been edited for length and clarity.

Have a question? Do you have an HR or work-related question you’d like me to answer? Submit it here.

Question: I want to date my boss, but she told me I’d have to quit my job because she’s not quitting. Do I have to quit? If I do and it doesn’t work out, isn’t this discrimination? — Anonymous

Johnny C. Taylor, Jr.: Think about whether entering into this romantic relationship is worth it before making a decision that could significantly affect your career and future. Clearly, your boss has thought about this.

There are alternatives to quitting, which I’ll cover later. But first, I’ll address your questions.

Workplace romances are incredibly common – and why wouldn’t they be? We spend one-third of our day at work. It’s a natural and easy way to meet people, and work offers a common interest.

But office dating also can cause distractions, conflicts, preferential treatment and other issues. In some cases, a failed relationship can lead to a sexual-harassment lawsuit.

These adverse effects are why employers want to be aware of workplace romances and, in some cases, manage them. Many employers have dating policies that set boundaries for romantic relationships in the workplace.

In most states, private companies have a right to impose policies that restrict employee dating. These policies commonly prohibit relationships between a supervisor and a direct report and between employees of a significant rank difference. This is partly to ensure that an employee isn’t pressured into a relationship or doesn’t stay in one to keep his or her job.

Peer-to-peer relationships, in which the couple have different supervisors, are usually less of a concern to employers.

So, in your situation, do you need to quit? It depends on your employer’s policy. Check with your HR department to see what rules apply in your situation.

In supervisor-subordinate relationships like the one you are considering, one person might have to leave the organization. But who leaves is a decision made between the people in the relationship.

However, there are alternatives to quitting. Some companies will help an employee transfer to another department or location or will assign an employee to a different supervisor.

But if you’re in a position in which one of you must leave but neither of you wants to, then you may have to quit your relationship – not your job.

As for your question about discrimination, having a romance policy that requires one partner to leave the company is not a discriminatory practice on your employer’s part. However, unfair and inconsistent application of a policy could be.

If you decide to resign on your own to pursue a relationship with your boss and it doesn’t work out, it’s unlikely to be perceived as a form of workplace discrimination. But if your boss fires you or pressures you to quit because she wants to have a relationship with you, that could be harassment.

Question: My boss is a transgender woman, but I knew her when she was a he. I’m not referring to him as “her.” Can I be fired for this? — Anonymous

Johnny C. Taylor, Jr.: The short answer is yes, you can be fired.

Many state and local laws prohibit discrimination based on gender identity or expression. But even if you are in a location where no such law exists, employees are “at-will” in most states and, therefore, can generally be fired for any reason that is not specifically illegal (based on their race, gender or age, for example), including for disrespectful conduct.

As a matter of professionalism, I recommend you make every attempt to call your supervisor by the pronoun she prefers.

But if you just can’t get yourself to use a pronoun that conforms to your boss’ identity, consider a practical approach – use her first name when addressing or referring to her.

Respect is a two-way street. Just as you deserve and expect it, so does your boss. Show her respect, and you won’t be putting your job at risk.