before i go into detail about what i am asking, i would like to provide a brief bio:

In my younger years, I never liked homework, it just made me feel anxious. Most of the time, I didn't even need to do my homework, because I retained information pretty well. I performed very well on tests. The biggest contributor to getting low grades was my refusal to do homework.

If I was interested in the material, it was easy to pay attention. Classes, like history, it was harder for me to stay on task, and get good grades, because I either couldn't focus, or didn't want to.

It is hard for me to determine if my behavior was due to actually having ADHD, or just being too stubborn to do the work.

When I was 20, right before I began college, I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Sometimes I believe I have it, sometime I believe that maybe I just wanted to have it as an excuse to take stimulant medication.

My first semester of college was pretty easy. Sometimes I would do my homework without the medication, and sometimes I would do my homework while on the medication. While it was easier for me to stay on task on the days I took it, my actual focus was pretty much the same. I was taking college algebra, which just felt like a repeat of high school algebra, which i've always been good at math. I also took a couple career classes, because I wasn't sure what I wanted to major in yet. I also took a critical reading class, which was a recommended course by my college, but not required. Again, it all felt like high school all over again. It was all pretty easy stuff.

My third semester of college, I decided I didn't want to take medication anymore. I made it not even half way through before dropping all but one class. Other factors played a role in me dropping out. I had a job that was giving me more hours than I originally agreed to work. I didn't have a car, so commuting to work, school, and back home was very time cosuming to take a bus or ride my bike. I didn't have a quiet place to study at home, because my mom was always obnoxiously loud. if i tried to drown her out with music, i was told to turn it down; if i asked her to be a little quieter or turn down the tv, it would turn into a debate over who pays the bills in the house. I couldn't study at school, because although I was working, I could not afford to buy lunch at school, nor have the ability to pack a lunch from home. It was a very difficult time for me.

You may ask how did I manage to get through the first two semesters of school. I didn't work, and I got most of my homework done before my mom came home. I also had a small business, which i eventually failed at because i was spending more and more time at home, instead of marketing myself and trying to make my sales. I had a scooter to get me to and from school, which eventually got stolen and vandalized to the point of just needing a new one. everything just sort of crashed at the end of everything.

3 years later, I enroll back in school, and get back on my medication. in that time, i became an established hair stylist, have a car, and have attained relative stability. I am not sure if I need the medication, or if it is just comforting me, because the last time I did well in school was when I was on my meds.

I began school again this summer. I took three classes and got an A in all of them, while maintaining a 30 hour work week, all while on medication. for the fall semester, i have pretty much taken my medication every day, mostly just the days i need it though. it helps me stay focused.

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just recently, i purchased an apple watch, for the fitness tracker features. this has helped me become more conscious of my heart rate. the last time i went to the doctor, a few months ago, my resting heart rate was 60bpm. since beginning taking medication again, my resting heart rate is 70-80 when i am off my meds, and over 100bpm when i am on them. this is very concerning to me. i have since stopped taking my medication, and my doctor's schedule and my schedule are in conflict. I can't seem to get an appointment with him right now.

prior to the summer, i bought some vitamins and stuff from the health food store. fish oil, vitamins for energy, supplements for memory. i have abused illegal drugs in the past, which i feel like have caused me to have memory problems, which is why i got the suppliments for memory. i just dont feel the same way that i felt before all the abuse. the good news is that i stopped abusing drugs, and have been clean for a few years now.

right now i feel like my brain is still recovering from drug abuse, while i also manage my adhd at the same time, and it hasnt been easy. i don't know if i have memory problems, because it is pretty easy for me to learn and remember stuff when i take medication. i did not realize this at the time that i bought the supplements for memory. i stopped taking all the supplements when i started taking the medication, because i felt like the medication was doing a good enough job, there was no point in taking anything else.

i havent taken any medication for over a week now. I need to get a refill, but I do not want to take it anymore! I am just worried about how well i can adapt to not taking any meds. what can i do to help me study when i am just really not feeling it? how do i cope with being frustrated every time i do my homework? sometimes i read the material, and it seems to make sense. then i go to do my homework, and i am forced to apply what i learned and have trouble doing so. stuff like this never seems difficult to me on meds. i dont know what to do, it kind of makes me feel on edge. the thought of overcoming seems possible, and much easier to deal with once i learn how... but right now, i am just sort of freaking out, hoping that my grades don't slip because i cant focus as well and slack off a little more than usual. I have been taking the suppliments again but they just dont work the same as medication, of course. i do understand the suppliments i was taking may not help with the treatment of adhd, because i did not buy them for that purpose... they are simply the most available thing i have at my disposal right now that have even the slightest resemblance to medication. its probably more of a placebo than anything, but at least taking them is good for me whether i am adhd or not... so im going to keep taking them, at least until i use them all.

i feel like this post is all over the place, but i hope that someone can make some sense out of it and give me some inspriration, motivation, or direction. I don't want to take drugs anymore. it just reminds me of when i used to abuse drugs, and i don't feel healthy when i take it. I just take it because i study better with it.