December, 2007

Mike Swick picked up his fourth-straight UFC victory with this first-round submission of Joe Riggs at UFC 60 (5/27/06), and his second consecutive victory by guillotine-choke from the closed guard — a technique that would be dubbed the “Swickitine.” Swick’s next fight is against Josh “Yes, I Banged Arianny Celeste” Burkman at UFC Fight Night on 1/23.

Y’know, I thought CagePotato had the lock on sarcastic headlines. But we’re total amateurs compared to the Memphis Commercial Appeal, which has named Quinton Jackson (*cough*) “Sportsman of the Year.” Yes, this Quinton Jackson. (And this one.) How did the Appeal come to place Rampage ahead of such remarkable athletes as Peyton Manning, Roger Federer and Tony Parker? Well, for starters…

– He’s a follower of The Secret: “I envisioned this happening…So it happened.”

– He’s smart enough to know when Jesus was wrong: “When people talk about how Jesus wouldn’t want people to fight, it can’t be true. I’m living proof.”

– His ability to predict box-office hits is uncanny: He has a role in a feature film, “Midnight Meat Train,” which stars Brooke Shields and is scheduled for release this spring. Jackson understands the title sounds slightly salacious, as he explained to one female friend: “It’s not a porno.”

– The story of how he found God is particularly inspirational: “I prayed to God,” Jackson said. “‘God, I’m a coward. Give me the strength to use the restroom. I don’t want to pee on myself in front of my son at my friend’s house.’”

– He has “yellow fever,” and doesn’t care if it’s publicized in newspapers: After a string of victories, he traveled to Japan to compete in the PRIDE organization. There, he honed his skills and his affinity for Asian women, which probably helped accelerate his fluency in Japanese and Vietnamese.

Well, we’re sold. Stay tuned next week as the Commercial Appeal names Tay Zonday as “Singer of the Year” and Lynne Spears as “Mother of the Millenium.”

It’s real simple, people. The reader who writes the funniest caption for this picture of Josh Barnett and Hikaru Sato at a Pancrase event last Saturday gets a copy of the UFC’s Ultimate Ultimate Knockouts DVD. Let ‘em rip in the comments section — the winner will be announced on Friday.

8. Fedor Emelianenko vs Josh Barnett
As Emelianenko climbed to the top of the PRIDE heavyweight ranks, the only fighter who eluded one of his signature ass-whippings was the one big name he never fought: the Baby Faced Assassin, Josh Barnett. When his name came up as a possible opponent for Fedor at Yarennoka!, our heart skipped a beat. Then, reality set in. Fedor would most likely do to Barnett what he does to everyone else — turn him into a human punching-bag for 2-15 minutes depending on how hard his skull is — but Barnett is an A-level fighter and it wouldn’t be fair to count him out against anybody (even though we just did).

7. Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic vs. Andrei Arlovski
While every other heavyweight match the UFC books seems to feature Tim “Xanax” Sylvia, the organization’s two most exciting stars are sitting on the bench. Anytime you put two offensive powerhouses — neither of whom has much of a chin — in a cage together, you’re guaranteed to see fireworks. It doesn’t matter that Cro Cop is coming off of back-to-back losses and there really wouldn’t be anything on the line; fans would kill to see these guys bash it out.

“It’s definitely something he is interested in, and when Floyd makes his move, obviously it’s going to be a mega event…Mark Cuban is a very successful businessman and has some very, very successful business ventures that we’ve discussed…Doing an MMA event with him is most definitely something we are looking at, among many things we are looking at doing with Mark Cuban.”

In turn, Cuban was quoted as saying:

“Floyd is considering fighting with HDNet Fights. We are going to let him visit some gyms to talk to some folks about what it would take to learn. He knows it won’t be easy. But he is getting involved with MMA and HDNet Fights one way or another. He is pumped about it. He wants to go on to the next big thing. Floyd is a brilliant marketer. He follows the money…If I said there’s a guaranteed $30 million payday, Floyd would be lacing them up.”

For the benefit of the dangerously naive, everything in that last quote that I didn’t put bold tags around is utter horseshit, intended to hype up the fact that Floyd Mayweather will soon be having some sort of involvement in HDNet Fights. Mark Cuban, who has been tight with Mayweather since their stint on Dancing With the Stars, is floating that stuff about Mayweather visiting MMA gyms so that you, the stupid fight fan, will pay close attention to Mayweather’s next move (and by extension, HDNet’s). But Mayweather himself never said he’d be strapping on some four-ounce gloves and stepping into a cage. Here’s what he actually did say, two weeks ago, after his TKO of Ricky Hatton: “I don’t know if I’ll fight again. I’m not going to let boxing retire me, I’ll retire from boxing. I accomplished all that I could as a fighter. Now it’s time to be a promoter.”

Let’s take it from the top, because I feel like y’all aren’t hearing me.

If you happen to celebrate Jesus’s birthday, CagePotato would like to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas. Check back Monday for our list of the eight greatest fights that never happened, and then Wednesday as we slowly recover from our eggnog hangovers.

Like most of you, I was all-kinds-of-psyched when I heard that HDNet would be broadcasting the entire Yarennoka! New Year’s Eve show live from Tokyo. But I never stopped to think about the logistics until today, when MMA Junkie reported that the broadcast will begin at 6 a.m. ET. True, the event will be re-broadcast at 3:00 p.m., and I do possess a DVR, but I kind of feel like it’s my responsibility as an MMA fan and as a blogger to watch this thing live. For the first time in my life, I envy people on the West Coast, who could party all night Sunday, then roll home at 3 a.m. and relax on the couch with a formaldehyde-dipped blunt, or whatever it is they do out there, and watch the action until the sun comes up. Not me — I have to get to bed at a reasonable hour so I don’t oversleep. Fuckin’ time zones, right?!

…or else you’ll make the kind of outlandish claims that Frank Shamrock was making during a ProElite.com forum chat yesterday. Like, such as:

“I would easily beat Kimbo Slice and Brock Lesnar.”

Alright, fair enough. But how about:

“I’d knock [Anderson Silva] out in 7 minutes.”

Really! Two minutes into the second round, that’s how you’re calling it? The balls on this guy! Shamrock also confirmed that he’s down for fighting his brother Ken in 2009 (“I gotta fight my brother, it’s bigger than mma, it’s what will take the sport mainstream”) and that he’s looking to take on Renzo Gracie and Cung Le next year. To read all of the insanity, go here.

Something else I learned about Frank today: Though the dude just turned 35, he has a nineteen-year-old son. I’m not judging or anything, but my God, do the math on that one.

We’re lovin’ the referee-cam perspective in this video of Cro Cop taking on Vovchanchyn at PRIDE Total Elimination (8/10/03). Sure, it made us so dizzy we thought we were going to barf, but it’s worth it to feel like you’re actually in the ring as Cro Cop delivers one of his lights-out head-kicks…