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> Oh anaconda, tell me why the crane> Should be samoan when the toadstools scream:> A wailing hermit never maims a brain,> Although 'tis true that felons harm a bream.> My heart is spacious, likewise it is red,> When e'er I see the crazy carrots write;> I lost the briny princess -- for a bed> Had madly spluttered as it chewed a light.> Alas! the days of midwife, elk, and bat> Are gone, and now the hungry bailiffs blink;> Momentous was the crocus, now so fat> And ospreys cannot squash the smiling drink.> I shall no longer hide the ancient goose:> Life's not an ogre, but a gruesome moose!

} You ask me, so to say, from when} To juxtapose forget-me-not's sporran} When Pittsburgh ginger segregates its tittle,} Depressing ball-and-socket joints a little.} Irrelative to lithograph's depravity} The coal unfurls sinister gravity;} The wroth salvationists are forking} Another unmembraneous faun by Hawking,} While chiffon's only lily tea} Is incommens'rability.} You see, a crumbly terracotta zither} Will never use consultants, never wither,} Will shelter chilblains, snub a packthread,} And then, when fixing, it will take head} Of irredeemable goggle-box.} Catching smallpox, catching pox} Is one of manful Gaelic stirrups} In times of counter-espionage, versus eliminating other crotchety} insobrieties, FIRST seizing, then ROUGHENING, then SALVING!} STOP THIS DESCRIBABLE DESIDERATUM!!} I WANT ANOTHER POINT-BLANK SHOT!!} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!}} kinzler@iuvax [~] kill 4532}} Now look at this! Someone caused the Oracle program to go crazy!} It will probably take weeks to fix!}} You owe the Oracle twenty-one gluey orifices, glozed over by a} hardwood settee.

> [The USENET Oracle finds a glass bottle in his mailbox]> +-------------+>> ORACLE: Hey what's that!? suplicants are supposed to send their> questions via e-mail, not inside glasss bottles!>> [Oracle opens the bottle and finds a scrap of paper inside]>> +----------------------------------------------+> |HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP |> | |> |To: whoever finds this note. |> | |> |I am a prisoner on an island. The bad guys |> |call it "the village". They call everyone |> |by numbers. They call me Number 6. I have |> |never seen number 1, but on every episode |> |there is a different number 2, who demands |> |information. |> | |> |I've tried every possible way to escape but |> |somehow, everytime I find myself back in the |> |"village" before the episode ends. |> | |> |Please help me. |> | |> |I AM NOT A NUMBER! I AM A FREE (?) MAN! |> +----------------------------------------------+

} Your question will finally be answered, here on The Net.}} _I_ am Number One. You are Number Six. You cannot escape the Village} because I, the omnipotent Oracle, control it. Give up, Number Six. It} will be easier in the long run.}} You owe the Oracle everything you know. Just tell Number Two, it will} get to me.

} You've hit upon a problem that plagues even the Oracle herself} (yes, I said HERself), and it's not just limited to staplers,} either.}} Like, what do you call it when you go to open a pop-top can, and} the top snaps off in your hand, so you have to open the soda with} a screwdriver, and it sprays everywhere?}} And why does the cigarette lighter in the car just one day stick} like that, and it won't pop out, and you think "hey, is this} thing going to light my dashboard on fire?"}} And did you ever notice that sometimes when you go to stick your} gum under a desktop, someone's been there before you with gum or} worse?}} And fortune cookies! Who writes those things? Some day I'd like} to get one that said "You're about to get stuck with the check,} and he's not even any good at oral sex!"}} Then there's the aerosol can that sticks in the "open" position,} the kitchen gas pilot light that keeps going out and threatening} your life, and Andy Rooney, who NEVER shuts up, and likes to ruin} a perfectly good hour-long show.}} The Oracle's pet peeve, however, is men's John Henrys. I mean,} let's face it, girls, size DOES count, and most of those things} are too small. And I have yet to meet the man who knows how to} use one. The rule is, NEVER FORGET THE CLITORIS. Beyond that,} it's like falling off a... well, you know.}} Now to answer your question, the weird part of the stapler that} makes the staple flange "out" rather than "in" was created by} Satan himself. It's evil. Anything else?}} You owe the Oracle a bottle of lubricant and your Swiss Army} Knife.

} The answer is, my friend, that the universe is silly.}} Many religions concern themselves with the True Name of God. This True} Name is actually Phlegmbippie Non Cogito Vishnu Squirtcarrot, but when} your average medium spits that out, it is discarded as too silly.}} I mean, it's obvious how silly the universe is when you realize how} silly an activity sex is. Whould people really get into those odd,} unnatural positions if they realized how silly they look? I think not.}} Silliness is everywhere. It binds us togther, flows through everything.} It is soft and chewy, it is hard and chrunchy. It is the Tao, the} Buddah, the One True Path, the Limitless Light. God made us in him} image, and we are silly.}} You owe the Oracle a stupid hat.

} Well, I've been waiting for just such a question! Congratulation,} petitioner, you are lucky caller number 3411313 to the Oracle Internet} Shopping Network.(TM) This entitles you to your choice of a $500} credit or an autographed T-shirt, sure to be a collectors item and a} way to be the hit of your next BOF.}} There are just 3.121324 milliseconds left on the puce colored} biodegradable indoor-outdoor carpeting special. No? Well, time's up,} anyway.}} Perhaps you would like to ftp our catalog from ftp.oracle.com. (It is} in the /pub directory, where else?) We know of no other shopping} network with our diversity of merchandise, which is shipped via} Etherial Express for only a $X.400 shipping charge, guaranteed to} arrive fully checksummed and ready to be unpacketized. (Shipping for} some items extra, such as the life size working model of the Universe,} complete with instructions.)}} Some items are available in limited quantites, and we reserve the right} to substitute merchandise of equal or better quality. (Sorry, we're} all out of inflatable vaccuum powered Linda Lovelace dolls at the} moment, perhaps you'd settle for the Tipper Gore sex doll instead--it} just lays there humming "Amazing Grace".)}} All you need to order is to supply us with your Internet number. We'll} get the rest of the information from NIC. Purchaser is responsible for} any taxes, duty, and charges of possession of substances illegal in} his/her domain.}} We're open 24 hours a day, telnet to ripoff.oracle.com, login: sucker.} Thanks for calling the Oracle Internet Shopping Network.

> Master Oracle, to whom none could be apprentice let alone journeyman,> I am prepared to invest all my savings in a miraculous pigcleaning> formula. They come out pinker than pink, they really do! Some people> have advised me that I would be foolish to invest all my savings in a> miraculous pigcleaning formula; they say there is a very limited> market for clean pigs, although they admit they themselves would prefer> to eat a clean pig rather than a dirty pig. Should I follow my heart,> which urges me to invest, or my friends' advice, which suggests a> few weeks of bedrest and some nice, safe savings bonds?

} Boy are you lucky! You probably made one of the smartet decisions in} your life. My sincere congratulations! My congratulations for} ASKING MY ADVICE FIRST! Because otherwise you would have listened to} your heart, not to your mind (which was trying to convince you to buy} that house).}} Let me tell you about that "pinker than pink" formula first. It was} developed in the late thirties by the Germans, as you probaly know.} They used it for camouflage in the second world war. But it didn't} prove to be quite useful because of some rather strange kind of} behavior displayed by the French resistance (which, I won't explain} in detail, but briefly mention that it was quite painful for some} German soliders to sit after using that product.)}} After the war, American enterpreneur James Pinkerton tried to market} the formula as a mouthwash. He failed. The "pinker than pink" (known} as "Pinkerton Pink" at that time) was nothing but pink paint!} Unfortunately, Pinkerton realized that too late.}} I guess you ran into one of his grandchildren, because they are} trying to recover the money their grandfather lost by marketing the} "pink stuff" (as they call it among themselves) to unsuspecting} young yupies like you.}} So my advice is: forget about pinker than pink. It's only paint!}} Ok, so you want a solid investment for your hard earned money? Why} don't you consider buying Oracle stocks?}} You owe the Oracle the real thing.

> O great and mighty Oracle, who had the foresight to denounce> George Bush even before he proved his economic ineptitude, who> planned his relations with the Slavic Commonwealth before Gorbachev> even came to power, who even sold short the day before the 1987 Wall> Street crash, I beseech thee to impart some of thine prescient wisdom> upon this lowly of lowlies, this total unworthy who is not even fit> to lick the snot from your nose, who [remainder of grovelling deleted> due to tastelessness, but believe me, it's grovelling]...>> A hypothetical question: let us suppose that, as a result of> Hell freezing over, David Duke manages to get elected President. Let> us also suppose that Quebec secedes from Canada and gets really> pissed off at American trading practices. What would you say the> chances are that this would result in a war, and if so, where would> the best place be to hole up while both sides blow the crap out of> each other?

} Fear Not, my properly grovelling Questioner:}} This incarnation looks upon your question with great favor,} considering the manner in which it was posed. I will} therefore give you a glimpse of the future:}} Let us assume that Hell froze over and David Duke became} President. Let us also consider Quebec's secession from} Canada, and consequent dislike of the American trading} situation. For four years, the Quebec Elite National Guard} would make forays and sorties against Maine, Vermont, and} New Hampshire. The attacks would be repulsed by US customs} agents who would not allow items of over $2,000, including} heavy artillery, to cross the border. Those enterprising} Elite Guards who hid their firearms in the backs of their} tanks, and were then able to get through customs, would} be ignored by the locals, who were more interested in} watching LA Law. Upset and frustrated, the Elite guard would} return to Quebec, and play a game of hockey.}} After four years, of course, once the Presidential elections} rolled around again, all of the French people in Quebec} would flow across the border like a large herd of Caribou,} or perhaps Lemmings, and elect Jerry Lewis, their Idol, as} the next President. The reign of terror would be over. Of} course, as a joke, President Lewis would detonate the} entire nuclear arsenal of the US, as part of the 1812} Overture. Such a massive explosion would cause Hell to thaw,} making it, in fact, a rather nice resort.}} Therefore, it would behoove you to buy some real estate} along the Styx.}} Thus speaketh the Oracle!

} Is.} Is Not.} The world would be a much nicer place if the logical positivists had} not exerted such great influence on twentieth century thought.}} On second though, it is not entirely fair to blame it all on them. I} think that we are dealing with a long tradition of stupid people.}} Is would mean a lot more if everyone lived their lives feeling that} they were living it in the presence of God.}} Probably not what you wanted to hear.}} Nothing.}} That is about what human thought signifies.} Don't ponder that to closely- you might become a positivist or a} nihilist or something. Actually- I think that you already are a} nihilist.}} Don't eat cream cheese. Cream cheese is a trap set by Satan.}} You owe the Oracle a real question.

> Oh wonder of wonders and all that other grovel garbage. I'm not> feeling well today so I'll make it short:>> Why the hell can't my brother get a girlfriend. What's his problem.> He's better looking than me. He's more fit than me. I on the> otherhand am happily married. What gives?>> Your humble (and somewhat infectious) supplicant.

} Let's take a quick look in on your brother Marc, who is currently} watching TV and drinking a beer in Cambridge, Massachusetts:}} <EtherNet ComLink on ... Connected>}} [Marc sits in a ratty green chair and clicks the remote control.]}} MARC: GODDAMN SHIT ON TV! I HATE THIS FUCKIN SHIT! NOTHIN FUCKIN} GOOD ON TV! GODDAMN IT!}} [Marc vomits voluminously, nearly drowning the cat.]}} MARC: GODDAMN FUCKIN FLU! I HATE THE FUCKIN FLU! I HATE MY FUCKIN} BROTHER WHO GAVE ME THE FUCKIN FLU!}} [The doorbell rings. Marc rises, cursing, and sloshes through the} vomit to open the front door. Traci is here, wearing a see-through} negligee and low-cut panties]}} TRACI: Ooh, Markie, you're sick! I love it when you're sick!}} MARC: FUCK OFF!}} [Marc slams the door, and vomits a huge wet splash onto the closed} door. He sloshes back to his seat and drains the rest of his beer.]}} MARC: GODDAMN FUCKIN INTERRUPTIONS! FUCKIN VISITORS WHEN I WANNA} FUCKIN WATCH TV!}} [Candi wanders in from the bedroom, wearing a spiked leather bra. She} stands in the doorway.]}} CANDI: Marc, honey? Are you coming back ... to bed?}} MARC: FUCK OFF!}} [Marc vomits violently on Candi, blowing her back into the bedroom.]}} MARC: GODDAMN FUCKIN INTERRUPTIONS WHEN I'M FUCKIN WATCHIN TV!}} [Marc vomits on TV, shorting it out in a gaudy explosion of glass and} sparks.]}} MARC: FUCK!}} <Ethernet ComLink off ... Disconnected>}} So, you see your brother's problem. He's just too sensitive. He} needs to be less afraid of taking the dominant role in a relationship.}} You owe the Oracle device B.

} Oh Questioner, it is clear to see} Why you have asked this question of me}} This query has passed down through the ages} And confounded quite a number of sages}} In tennis one usually begins with three} So are you missing a pair? It occurs to me}} You might have lost them, one by one} Launched into the sea, or shot by a gun}} But no, that answer is far too clear} The truth of the matter is not as near}} The game of baseball is not at hand} For many a ball might be hit towards the stand}} If one suggests football I'd be annoyed} For that's not a ball--it's an ellipsoid}} Hockey of course uses a puck} Don't look there--you'd be out of luck}} So back to your problem of a singular sphere} Do people gawk, and stare, and sneer?}} Although I know the answer you request} I will not directly comply with your behest}} For the cause of your problem can be no other} It must be your father, or your mother}} This unilateral decision of Fate} Depends upon being set straight}} For basketball is your game, my son} Where your total ball count numbers One}} Thus speaketh the Oracle, wise beyond years} Send me a gift, mail order from Sears.