Sunday, February 9, 2014

I'm not sure where I'm at... I have no fucking clue where I'm going, and sure as hell have no clue where I've come from.

I sit here, completed isolated from everyone and everything. I'm not sure why I hold on to hope. I'm not sure there's any left out there for me. I found the love of my life ten years ago. I had two beautiful children 15 years ago. I lost them all. Everyone I have ever loved has left me.

And still I sit, I wait, I try. . . . I beg. I beg my children to love me. I beg my husband to love me and he may as well have put a bullet in my heart. I have nothing left.

I have a family of animals... I surround myself by compensating with the love of animals. Hollywood is so trivial. Hollywood makes us think we need someone . . we need 'our person' to survive this life. I lost my person. I tried, I tried so , so hard to keep him. If I believed in fate or any kind of higher power I would have believed that he was 'it' for me. He was the one I was meant to be with.. He was MY PERSON. and no one else will ever come close to that.

I feel like I'm completely alone in this idea, the idea that there was one truly special, truly unique person to make me whole, to fit me like yin and yang, someone who complimented everything I am in life to make it complete.

But he won't even talk to me. If there was an apocalypse or some kind of uprising, like world war Z.. He and I.. we would make an impeccable team. But for some reason he wants some bimbo by his side. He wants someone who can't protect herself. I will have his back. I am trained, I am a fighter . . I will always have his back. I will be the one he needs. But he doesn't see that. He doesn't understand. Who else is qualified, who else loves him enough?
Without me, he is alone.
And without him, I am alone.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... I fear everything. Because I am human. and anything else is a fucking fairy tale created by men who were scared of their own shadow and had no concept of science or archeology or anthropology. It's absurd. FAITH is absurd and FUCKED up. plain and simple. Get your heads on straight, and understand that the only hope humankind has... is HUMANKIND.