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First of all, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have shared your wisdom and strength on this blog. I'm not sure exactly how much to share so I'm sorry if it's too much... It's just a relief to have found people who I can relate to. I began battling addiction to adderall back in grad school several years ago. I was overwhelmed, prescribed aderall, and instantly hooked. Suddenly I could read boring text books, and concentrate, and had this energy and zest for life I'd never felt. But that high was followed by horrible insomnia which led me to start drinking nearly every night to come down off the pill. By the next year, I began taking an additional dose of adderall often later in the day from time to time. I graduated began work and for the next 6 years I became completely consumed with stimulants( between adderall and Vyvance and going through a prescription 2 weeks at a time)- at the same time drinking most nights to bring myself down. Other than work I lived in almost complete isolation ( other than a couple of brief relationships being left heartbroken) I went from being an incredibly active athlete and social person, to just cutting myself off from most friends and living alone. Feeling desperate, I voluntarily entered treatment for a month. I stayed clean for 6 months and then relapsed on diet pills( adipex, phentermine) and the vicious cycle with stimulants and alcohol started all over again. And the past several months have been such a battle. I will stop for about a week and then I go right back. I'm very high functioning but miserable and almost no one knows what I'm going through other than close family. I just want to be able to wean myself from the stimulants..but is that a bad idea? I keep trying to control it. And the alcohol..my family is worried I have a drinking problem too. But I don't feel like I do...the only time I have the desire to drink is when I'm on stimulants. So am I an alcoholic or just a problem drinker on stimulants? These questions probably seem completely crazy and ridiculous but I can't figure out what's denial and what's not? I know I'm sick though. And I DO want to get well. I do find much comfort in spirituality and have attended AA. However, I question if I really need to be there? Again, am I in denial? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Any book suggestions..really anything you think could help me. Thanks so much!