Friday, September 16, 2005

The Other Side of Reality

Here is a "squirrel story" as my brother asked for. A brief background: a few years back, my Pastor was sick and we spent some time doing stuff just to encourage him and lift his spirits. I wrote two short stories for him, the second one had this squirrel in it. Pastor pulled a fast one and had his wife read it to the congregation the next Sunday. And the squirrel story was born. Here is one I wrote for him not to long ago, after he had problems with pidgeons roosting on the roof of the parsonage.The Other Side of RealityBy: R.A. Slater

It was true. There were like seventy [ahem - - - three] birds on the roof of the parsonage. And they were all settling in for the night, doing their business on the nice new shingles.

Pastor Sharon was working in the kitchen when she happened to notice her husband walking by the window with the water hose in hand. At first, she thought nothing of this. After all, it hadn’t rained in a while and all the flowers needed water. It wasn’t she saw water dripping off the roof that she though to wonder.

What could Pastor be doing?

Curious, Pastor Sharon set down her washrag and went outside. There she saw her husband watering the roof.

“Honey?” she asked. “What are you doing.”?

Pastor smiled mischievously at her. “I’m baptizing my flock.”

“What?” she exclaimed, wondering if perhaps he had been out in the sun too long.

Pastor Norm laughed and explained, “There are pigeons on our new roof and I’m trying to scare them off.”

However, the birds weren’t going to go so easily. Chattering among themselves [making comments about Bapticostals who stood outside at night to watch flowers open but wouldn’t share their roof] the three birds merely moved to the peak of the roof where the water house couldn’t reach.

Mirth, the squirrel that lived quite happily in the pastors’ TREE, like a normal animal should, heard the sound of water and left his book to see if it had finally decided to rain. Nooooooooo. Of course not. Pastor Norm was just watering his roof. Mirth was about to go back inside, but then realized that something was amiss…..Pastor was doing what????

Mirth scampered down from his tree, and since the roof was wet, he had to race around the house on the ground. On the other side, he found the two pastors calmly standing next to each other, as water poured out onto the roof from the hose in Pastor Norm’s hand.

“What’s going on?” the squirrel asked, nimbly climbing up Pastor to perch on his shoulder.

“Pigeons,” answered Sharon. “On the roof.”

Mirth looked. “Stupid birds.”

“That’s what I said,” commented Pastor Norm.

Mirth had a bold moment of stupidity. “I’ll take care of this. Just have your bottling of anointing oil handy in case I need it.”

With that, the squirrel leapt from Pastor’s shoulder and disappeared.

“What do you suppose…” began Sharon, then trailed off as Mirth appeared on the roof. “Mirth – you be careful!”

What a ruckus ensued! Mirth had taken the three pigeons by surprise and in short order had scared them off. There were a few feathers floating in the air as the squirrel returned to his pastors.

“If they come back, just call me.” With that, the squirrel disappeared.

Pastors looked at each other, not sure what to make of the event. But that night as they watched the pigeons circle their abode and turn and go the other way…the two were quite happy and decided to let Mirth have extra Acorns the next day to show their gratitude.

Captain - I wish I could understand what it is about the squirrel stories as well. Talk about being stereotyped as an author! I want to write intensely emotional drama and sci-fi...but does anyone at church want that???? nooooooo - give us the squirrel they cry. Oh brother.

Were you there that day the squirrel went beserk?Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the MississippiTo visit my granny in her antebellum worldI'd run barefooted all day long climbin' trees free as a songAnd one day I happened to catch myself a squirrelWell, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the topAnd when Sunday came I snuck him into ChurchI was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy HughWhen that squirrel got loose and went totally berserkWell, what happened next is hard to tellSome thought it was heaven others thought it was hellBut the fact that something was among us was plain to seeAs the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's coverallsHarv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!

The day the squirrel went berserkIn the First Self-Righteous ChurchIn the sleepy little town of PascagoulaIt was a fight for survival that broke out in revivalThey were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'Some thought he had religion others thought he had a demonAnd Harv thought he had a weed eater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-LoomsHe fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches legUnobserved to the other side of the roomAll the way down to the amen pew where sat Sister Bertha better-than-youWho'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic gleeBut you should've seen the look in her eyesWhen that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighsShe jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me"As the squirrel made laps inside her dressShe began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush with shameShe told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most attentionWas when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names

The day the squirrel went berserkIn the First Self-Righteous ChurchIn that sleepy little town of PascagoulaIt was a fight for survival that broke out in revivalThey were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well seven deacons and the pastor got saved,Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteeredFor missions in the Congo on the spotEven without an invitation there were at least five hundred rededicationsAnd we all got baptized whether we needed it or notNow you've heard the bible story I guessHow he parted the waters for Moses to passOh the miracles God has wrought in this old worldBut the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' dayIs how he put that Church back on the narrow wayWith a half crazed Mississippi squirrel

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About Me

I am a writer. I have a fire shut up in my bones, and so I must write....the people, the places, the events that play across the screen in my mind...because they are too much to keep to myself...the poems that are spoken in my heart...cannot be silent.
I am a woman still in the makings...who still struggles as she reaches for the higher calling of Christlikeness. Who for some reasons feels the need to share her stories, her poems, her struggles, for all the world to see.