Lost Girl Review: Episode 12

Episode 12: (Dis) Members Only

Dyson’s planning a long weekend of bear-hunting (except he doesn’t use a gun), but Bo wants them to spend some time together. Kenzi and Halle are grossed out by their PDA and tired of the on-again off-again stuff. They take bets on how long it’ll be before they’re “off again”. Out in the woods, we see a dude half-assedly trimming a tree. At least, that’s what he’s supposed to be doing, but he just keeps snipping at the same leaf and giggling like an idiot, so either he’s the worst groundskeeper in the world, or he’s high as fuck. Either way, he gets conked on the head by somebody with a rock, then dragged into the bushes by a weird vine. I’m pretty sure he ain’t coming out again.

Bo and Dyson relax in the bathtub and try to figure out where to go for some romance. Kenzi comes in and says Neville, an old friend of hers from her street days, needs a favour. Bo gets dressed and talks to him. He says his cousin Thumper is missing. (Bo: “Your cousin is a rabbit?”; Turns out it was his street name, though it doesn’t exactly inspire terror; apparently, Kenzi’s street name was “meow meow”, which I find absolutely fucking adorable.) Neville says his cousin is an illegal and has only been in the country for 3 weeks. Neville got him a job at the Queensdale Country Club as a groundskeeper. He says the Club is kinda weird and wonders if they sold his cousin into slavery or for organs or something. He says a woman named Blake is the Club gossip, so she should know anything that happens there. Bo decides they should go in undercover and asks Dyson to help. He’s reluctant, but she and Kenzi remind him how they saved his ass last episode, so he finally agrees to play Bo’s husband. Kenzi’s going in as a waitress/kitchen worker.

At the Club, Bo and Dyson look like preppie douchebags as they meet with the Club director, Mitch. Bo pretends to be some kind of UN Ambassador or something and flirts with Mitch like crazy. Dyson doesn’t seem too thrilled, but I’m not sure if it’s just jealousy or that he’s kinda playing second fiddle to Bo in the con. Bo mojos Mitch and he lets them join immediately. They ask about Blake and Mitch says she’s a drunk. In the kitchen, Kenzi meets her boss, Amy. Kenzi’s pretending to be Venezuelan (with a really phony accent) and asks Amy all kinds of questions. Amy says most of the members are there because of luck or connections, not because they earned it. She comes off as a tad bitter.

Bo and Dyson meet Blake and try to make friends. She seems to want to get really friendly with Dyson, as she says “a good stiff one usually loosens me up”, but assures them she meant a drink. They have lunch with her and she yammers on about the other members being ass-kissing wannabes. Kenzi’s their waitress and when Dyson tells her how good she is, she gives him a tip of her own—the finger. Blake points out another member named Chloe and says she and some of her friends have an invitation-only scotch tasting club (and you know Blake’s dying to join that). She also says Chloe’s tits are fake, but they look real to me. Kenzi spills a drink on Chloe and Blake laughs her ass off. At the bar, Kenzi notices a weird-looking groundskeeper (played by Boyd Banks aka Joe on Little Mosque on the Prairie) staring at her from behind a bush.

Amy tells Kenzi that Mitch keeps files on all employees and that spilling the drink on Chloe was her first strike. Neville tells Kenzi that Thumper had two strikes against him right before he disappeared. We see Blake out jogging (well, stumbling, really) and she’s accosted by Chloe. The two of them argue about Club politics and Chloe whacks Blake on the head with a golf club. She then says “She’s all yours”, and Blake’s body is grabbed by the same freaky-looking vines that got Thumper. So whatever’s going on, Chloe’s obviously in on it.

At home, Bo and Dyson are making out and Bo’s talking about how they have no secrets from each other. That’s been a running theme for the last few episodes, and of course we know Dyson is keeping a secret from Bo about her mother. Kenzi comes in, complaining about the job. She tells them it’s all been illegals that have gone missing so far and Dyson doesn’t think that sounds like Dark Fae, but Bo’s not convinced. Dyson says he’ll get Hale to run background checks on the Club members, and Bo and Dyson plan to crash the scotch tasting night. Hale shows up later and says most Club members had big bumps in their bank accounts after joining up. Dyson figures it could be some kind of kickback or money laundering thing. Hale and Kenzi volunteer to search Mitch’s office while Bo and Dyson are at the scotch tasting soirée. Saskia shows up, asking Bo to hang with her, but Bo says she has plans. Saskia tells her whatever she has going on with Dyson is lame, because succubi are supposed to play the field.

When Bo and Dyson show up for the scotch tasting club, it turns out to be a swingers’ club instead. Mitch and Chloe invite them into the hot tub. Kenzi and Hale break into Mitch’s office and start going through everything, while commiserating over the fact that they do all the legwork but Bo and Dyson get all the glory. Speaking of which, Bo and Dyson are in the hot tub with Chloe and Bo asks about Blake. Mitch says she just isn’t a team player, which I’m pretty sure is a sexual reference. Amy brings out some food and Chloe brags about it being garden fresh. She and Mitch seem to be eying up Bo and Dyson for a fourway. Kenzi finds nothing on the computer, but Hale finds lots of stuff in the files about how Club members’ fortunes changed after joining. He also finds files on the illegals that were hired (which is kinda weird), including Kenzi’s file, which isn’t too flattering. Apparently, she already has two strikes. The creepy groundskeeper shows up outside the office and Kenzi and Hale hide under the desk. Kenzi’s freaked and Hale kinda puts the moves on her (Kenzi: “This is not a sexy undercover moment!”) The groundskeeper leaves and they take the files.

Chloe’s still hitting on Bo and Dyson like crazy and goes on about how the “positive energy” flows between all the Club members; I’m thinking that may be a euphemism for syphilis. Chloe and Mitch basically say they’re up for a group grope (and Bo seems kinda into it), but Mr. Buzzkill Dyson says he has to work early the next day. Bo’s not happy, though I’m not sure if she’s upset at not getting to learn more information, or at missing out on the sex. She and Dyson argue at home, and he says he wants her all to himself. Bo says she’s fighting all her polyamorous urges because she wants to be with him too. He says it’s always a disaster when people in relationships try to change each other, but he wants to commit to her. She’s into it, but he warns her that wolves mate for life. (Remember that phrase, it’ll come up a lot in later seasons.) Bo reiterates her thing about them being honest and not keeping secrets. At the Dal the next day, Dyson says it’s time to tell Bo everything about her mother, and if Trick doesn’t do it, Dyson will.

At the Club, Kenzi’s a little freaked at being surrounded by swingers (“I can feel everybody checking me out on the boinkability index.” Bo: “Relax, they only boink other members.”) Kenzi’s actually more worried about being killed, since she’s on her third strike. Dyson gets a call from Hale and finds out that their department is getting a 10% budget increase for the next year. Bo says maybe Chloe was right about the whole “success is contagious” thing. Kenzi tells them Blake has disappeared but never checked out, and Mitch was seen driving her car. Dyson tells them all the people in the files who disappeared had three strikes, which just freaks Kenzi out even more. Another thing that freaks her out is that the weird groundskeeper is still spying on her.

Bo and Dyson go for a walk in the woods and Bo finds a scratch ticket worth $25000. They realize the whole “sudden success” stuff is starting to get really weird. They spot the groundskeeper, but he runs off. Dyson says he can’t even detect a scent trail, but they soon find something that does stink; a septic tank that reeks of death when they lift the lid. After DNA analysis, Hale tells them that Blake, Thumper, and a bunch of other humans’ DNA is mixed in with ooze from the tank. There’s also some unknown Fae DNA, probably residue from whatever grabbed the humans. Bo and Dyson confront Mitch and she drains him while interrogating him. Mitch says everyone at the Club benefits from the good fortune, but he doesn’t really know how or why it works. He says as long as a few of them occasionally sacrifice a staff member out in the woods, everyone at the Club has good luck. Bo goes to look for the Fae and Dyson says he has a way of making Mitch forget the last five years. When Bo tells Kenzi, she freaks even more, knowing she’s probably on the hit list.

Bo gives Trick the “residue” from the septic tank and asks if he can identify it. He asks if people have been having lots of luck at the Club, and when he pours the residue on a dead plant, it springs back to life. He says it’s a Land Wight, a Fae that lives in harmony with nature. Land Wights feed on humans, then break down their essence into the slimy shit that Bo found in the septic tank, which can be used like fertilizer. Whoever eats plants grown with the fertilizer experiences good luck. At the Club, Bo and Kenzi find the vegetable garden and Bo’s kinda weirded out because she was scarfing down the salad. They figure the groundskeeper is the Wight and Bo goes to find him as Kenzi heads to the kitchen to stop them serving any more food. The groundskeeper takes off when he sees Bo and when she catches him, he thinks she’s working for the “monster”. Bo quickly figures out he’s not the Wight, but he’s been sneaking around because he knew the plants shouldn’t have been growing so well. Bo wonders who else would have a vested interest in the garden.

In the kitchen, Kenzi runs in and starts telling them to stop serving food, almost like Heston yelling about Soylent Green. Amy tells the staff to leave, then reveals herself as the Land Wight and wraps Kenzi in her vines. Bo shows up and threatens to prune the Wight, but she says she needs to feed and the Club was built on her land. She lets Kenzi go, but says Bo can’t hurt her because any injury will just grow back. But the groundskeeper and most of the kitchen staff show up with spray tanks full of herbicide and Bo says it’s between the Wight and her prey. As Bo and Kenzi leave, we hear the Wight screaming in the background. At home, Neville says this must be the weirdest case they’ve ever dealt with—dude has no idea. Bo says he and the other staff have to keep quiet about it and gives him the $25000 scratcher for Thumper’s family. At the Dal, Trick tells Dyson the Wight was officially killed by humans, so there’ll be no repercussions for Bo. Dyson arranged for Mitch’s memory to be erased by “the drunk in the cell next to him”, which I assume is a reference to the kiernan from last episode. They don’t seem too worried about Chloe, though; she knew as much as Mitch did, so why leave her memories intact? Maybe because Mitch is the Club director, they figure wiping his memory is enough? Trick mentions that the Wight’s death will mean the members’ good luck will stop now, so maybe it doesn’t matter if Chloe and some of the others remember. Personally, I wanna know if their sex club is gonna keep going.

Dyson asks Trick about Bo and Trick says he still hasn’t told her the truth, so Dyson says he’s going to. He has some stuff at the cop shop, so tells Bo to meet him there. But someone else shows up first … Saskia. She starts draining him (and apparently she’s pretty damn strong, because he can’t resist too well) and when she asks him if he knows who she is, he says “Aife” (which is pronounced “ee-fah” … damn Irish names).

“Say my name, bitch!”

Bo walks in just in time to see Dyson and Saskia dry humping on the desk (at least, I think that’s what it was … unless they were actually supposed to be banging); Bo and Saskia fight and Bo jams a broken chair leg in her gut. Saskia leaves and Bo tries to revive a half-dead Dyson using the reverse succubus (which sounds like a really cool sex position) thing that she saw Saskia do a few episodes back. Of course, Bo has no clue what she’s doing, but manages to make it work and bring Dyson back. But Bo obviously has lots of questions about what the hell’s going on; she (and we) will get answers in the next episode, which is also the final episode of the first season. And believe me, a lot of stuff happens in that one!