Posted
by
Zonk
on Sunday July 22, 2007 @06:37PM
from the the-weekly-world-news dept.

Pcol writes "In the July 20 issue of the Washington Post, columnist Al Kamen reports that the BBC has translated a story headlined 'spying squirrels,' published in the Iranian newspaper Resalat on the use of trained animals to conduct espionage against their country: 'A few weeks ago, 14 squirrels equipped with espionage systems of foreign intelligence services were captured by [Iranian] intelligence forces along the country's borders. These trained squirrels, each of which weighed just over 700 grams, were released on the borders of the country for intelligence and espionage purposes.' According the story the squirrels had 'GPS devices, bugging instruments and advanced cameras' in their bodies. 'Given the fast speed and the special physical features of these animals, they provide special capabilities for spying operations. Once the animals return to their place of origin, the intelligence gathered by them is then offloaded. . . .' Iranian police officials captured the squirrels before they could carry out their assignments."

And wow, this has really gone all lengths through getting reported; As it stands now I am commenting on an article in the Washington Post, which reports that the BBC reported... yet another report by an Irani reporter.... Too much reports for today.

Did you see that in the paper the other day about those carp in the Mississippi River jumping into boats and bonking fisherman in the head? It's true. They're called big head carp, they're from Asia and they're attacking and severely injuring many fisherman.

Biologists claim the roar of boat motors agitates and excites these carp and they jump towards the sound but I think these biologists are naively missing an obvious connection. Fish are attacking fisherman. For the fish it's get them before they get you, kill or be killed. Even if these fisherman are practicing catch and release, that's a very painful, embarrassing experience for any fish and apparently they have had it.

What about the increase in mountain lion attacks? Great White sharks moving closer to shore? Moose have been showing up in towns and stomping on people. A squirrel was in my living room last spring. Am I the only one that sees a pattern here? People, wise up! The other animals are against us. It doesn't take a genius to see there's an inter-species conspiracy to thwart the urban expansion of man.

How do the squirrels fit in? Surveillance. They spy on what we people are doing in the cities and report back to the bigger species out there on the front lines.

And taken together these other species represent walking, we hope not yet talking, scratching, biting weapons of mass destruction. And if these other species can convince the insect world, for example a well known anti-human group like the killer bees, to join up our way of life and our democracy could be history.

The skeptical may ask why would these other species want to hurt us? Obviously, they hate us. They are jealous of our way of life. We swim in chlorinated, safe environment pools, then towel off and have an adult beverage. They are stuck eating sludge in the Mississippi, a river polluted by guess who: their mortal enemy man. And to top it all off we eat them.

This invasion of Asian carp is no accident. This is stage one of their well planned attack. We ignore the obvious at our own peril.

We can no longer sit back and wait for them to attack us. It's time we adopt a new doctrine regarding these other animals. We have to wipe out any and all species who are a lined against us, wherever they are. We can not rest until every big head carp, great white shark, mountain lion, moose and squirrel and any other species that associates with them are defeated.

If the U.N. wants to get involved fine, if not we can do it alone. Of course the British will show up, they always do, but we will fight to protect our way of life. And if you don't agree, you're an unpatriotic idiot who hates America.

A seagull has turned shoplifter by wandering into a shop and helping itself to crisps.The bird walks into the RS McColl newsagents in Aberdeen when the door is open and makes off with cheese Doritos

The bird first swooped in Aberdeen's Castlegate earlier this month and made off with the 55p crisps, and is now a regular.

Once outside, the crisps are ripped open and the seagull is joined by other birds.

i think we gotta have a look at social economic state of the animals and look at the collapse of moral's within the animal kingdom, spying squirrels, dorito stealing seagulls and man eating badgers in basra what's next hoodie hamsters, graffiti gerbils, please wont someone think of the children.

Squirrels must maintain radio silence. Otherwise the Iranians could get a lock with their anti-squirrel missiles. It is a major investment of time and money to train a squirrel for espionage, and even if one doesn't care about the lives of these brave little critters, that investment must be protected.

Captain Abu Rahman [enters stage right wearing a freshly starched Iranian uniform and a violently angry look on his face]: Aziz! [Aziz jumps to his feet, hoping the Captain won't notice his... errrr... excited state] What the HELL are you doing?

Aziz [sweat rolls from his body as the sun glints on his unzipped zipper and into his commanding officer's eye... his mind races at a million miles an hour as it gropes for some excuse - any excuse - for his presence and sick actions... suddenly, it comes to him] Uh... I was filming... spies!

Aziz [innerly thinking "he might buy it! He could buy it!]: oh yes, spies! American ones! [sensing the need to ratchet it up a notch] Can you believe it, captain! The Americans have fitted these mere squirrels with secret spy devices! Why, they have been here for days, monitoring our every move, depositing secret messages in nuts, beaming information back to their base in America! I personally know that one observed you for the entire day yesterday! ["that might be laying it in a bit thick," Aziz thinks]

Captain [pondering... "yesterday? What was it following me for yesterday? What did I do yesterday?" - suddenly, a thought races through his mind like a bullet - "oh no! I was, err 'visiting' the major's wife yesterday! Now the Americans will know, and they will destroy my career!"]: Quick, Aziz! [draws his revolver] We must get these squirrels at all costs!

Aziz [the sweat stops, his heart leaps, and although he realize that he must sacrifice his beloveds, he also must save his job and keep his secret safe]: Yes, captain! Let's go get those yankee scum!

I'll say. I run a successful company that consists of reading The Onion, then submitting tenders to the defense department. They buy into some crazy shit, and somehow we run into a roadblock that halts development. Quite nice.

...the U.S. is suffering from a lack of squirrel spy's. We must, as a nation, develop an equal squirrel spy system. If both the U.S. and the muslim world have squirrel spies, neither would deploy them for fear of equal retribution. We could create a stalemate, wherein we would only deploy tactical chipmunks, and keep our squirrels, and dare I say, 2 megaton raccoons, in reserve. The next step is obvious, a squirrel defence shield.