"You met me at a very strange time in my life." – Fight Club

Holiday Catalog Disappointments

Try and imagine, if you will, the sheer joy I felt when the afternoon mail brought the [name removed] Catalog, Holiday 2007 edition, that features page after page of delightfully realistic and often life-sized (well, almost life-sized) curiosities such as those shown above. My head was swimming with the Christmas spirit, and the list I was frantically trying to finish and hand to Buck TODAY, giving him plenty of time to get a jump-start on holiday shopping for me, and perhaps take advantage of some free shipping deals.

Now imagine, please, the devastating disappointment that overwhelmed me when he flat-out refused to even consider any of the items on my work-in-progress list. And it’s not as if I could just buy the items myself, as I haven’t even seen a credit card ever since the time I spent $300 on a desk lamp and we decided it would be best for all parties concerned if I didn’t shop with plastic anymore.

Buck’s reaction being breaking news and all, I canceled my scheduled post about his fascinating refusal to use a heating pad on his sore back, and replaced it with this post instead, just in case anyone should wonder why my entryway is bare and the walls of my home are not very interesting.

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Me: WHY?! What the hell is wrong with the Bigfoot? I can understand you not wanting me to get the guys wrestling —

Buck: That wrestling hold looks illegal, not to mention painful as hell. I don’t know when in history they used that hold, but I don’t remember it ever being taught in Al Nunes’ gym class. Had I known about that hold, I think I could have won a lot more wrestling matches.

Me: Yeah, well I can understand that one. But the Bigfoot? What’s wrong with that?

Buck: That thing is just stupid. What would you do with it?

Me: I’d put it by the front door. What’s the point of having no visitors if you can’t display a Bigfoot at the front door?

Buck:[laughing] That’s probably why we have no visitors.

Me: Well now that doesn’t even make sense.

Buck: And this thing you’ve got on your list…what the hell is that for? To hang clothes off of?

Me: Yes. Although I do admit that his stomach looks rather odd.

Buck: Whatever is going on with his stomach is none of my business, and I already know I’d bang my head on him somehow while reaching for a bathrobe in the dark.

Me: But he’s life-size and that’s what’s so cool. I could hang my necklaces around his neck and make him wear one of my bras. And he could wear all my watches, and my Red Sox baseball cap, and I could even put blush on his cheeksand pennies in his ears —

Buck: No. Definitely not. It would be Perry’s Nut House all over again, and we barely got out of that by the skin of our teeth.

Me: That disintegrating mountain lion wanted to wear my beads. She looked better with them on. I don’t want to talk about it.

Buck: What’s this gargoyle beer opener? Do we need one of those? Does anyone? It says it’s authentic! An authentic gargoyle beer opener?

Me: That’s not on my list, although it’s kind of cute. But we don’t need it, no.

Buck: Why have they got Jesus right next to this naked woman? He looks like a crossing guard. Why is he wearing a sombrero? AND WHY ARE THERE ARROWS ON HIS HANDS?

Me: Those aren’t arrows, that’s stigmata.

Buck: No. No. Those are arrows. Look closely.

Me:Wow. You’re right. That is really weird. Why does he have those arrows? They look like Fimo clay. But he wasn’t on my list anyway, I only circled him because I was thinking of it for Barbara. She doesn’t have a big Jesus, and I thought it could go in her office, or at the top of her staircase near that lithograph I gave her of the levitating nun.

Buck: And what is this cave the Virgin Mary is living in?

Me: Everybody always puts Mary in a cave. It’s what’s done.

Buck: Yeah, well she’s dangling giant medals of herself from fishing line off her wrists.

Me: What about the Seven Sins. You know I love the sins. I think it’s fascinating when people can’t differentiate between a sin and a crime, or a sin and a bad attitude —

Buck: I know you do, but —

Me: Look! Here’s my favorite … Sloth. Do you remember when I got in trouble in the newsroom because the reporters were having a contest to see who could name all Seven Sins? And everybody kept naming Sloth? And we had this list of like twenty five sins and they were all Sloth? Every sin was Sloth? And they forced us to take it down off the wall and I refused? And I got called into the office and accused of being a trouble maker —

Buck: They’re all gross. Look at Lust. He’s disgusting. I’m not gonna have those things looking at me all the time.

Me: What about the vomiting rain gutter?

Buck: No.

Me: The complete set of pens depicting the Knights of Templar?

Buck: No.

Me: The big-mouth chimp that holds change?

Buck: Revolting. No.

Me:Well this is just ridiculous, you’ve objected to everything.

Buck: Right. You are correct.

Me: Shaka the life-sized Zulu warrior?

Buck: Definitely not him.

Me: The T-Rex head?

Buck: Forget it.

Me:The maiden with the unicorn?

Buck: Nope. That unicorn looks way too satisfied. He looks like he should be smoking a cigarette.

Me: That was gonna be a joke gift!

Buck: For who?

Me: You.

Buck: Nope.

Me: So there’s nothing in this catalog that you could live with?

Buck: Nothing. The only thing that even comes close is this, but the devil dragon cancels it out. It looks like the statue the priest saw at the beginning of The Exorcist. So… NO.

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If anyone feels they need to own copy of this catalog (it is rather awesome) and wants the name of it, email me and I’ll email you the name and address. And if anyone has a clue why Jesus has those arrows, please tell me.

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Links:Perry’s Nut House, in my dad’s hometown of Belfast, Maine. I’m not going there again, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go there. They sell nuts and candy. Don’t hang stuff on the taxidermied animals.

@ Barbara – Seriously, those are not crosses. The catalog photo is much clearer, and they are clearly arrows. Which is what is so perplexing. I’d feel better of they were crosses because I’d at least understand that. Otherwise, you’re left feeling that Jesus is saying “Heaven’s thataway.” Please get the catalog so we can discuss this indepth.

@ Alyson – I’d never seen a catalog like this, either. Lillian Vernon must be spinning in her grave. (Although I think she’s alive, actually.)

Well, damn, I’ve never seen a Jesus with crosses on his palms. Could it be a regional thing? An obscure message from Opus Dei? A clue to the Mystery of the Holy Trinity?

When I was in parochial school, the nuns told us that one of the cool things about death was that we’d finally understand the Mystery of the Holy Trinity. I, for one, was not impressed and continued to prefer life on earth to life everlasting in heaven.

Of course, I want the catalog too and probably everything in it. I know I’ll be able to find presents for Barbara in it. Nothing in there for Sarah though. She thinks my room is just a source for dust. When I was in the hospital last February, Sarah and Barbara cleaned my room for me. Barbara spent like four hours washing and dusting all my crap. The thing is I love my crap. It defines me. If Sarah thought she could get away with it, I know she’d trash most of it even though she probably bought most of it for me. I went to Catholic school but it scared me. Last Christmas I bought Barbara a Nun gun. It’s a gun that shoots out little Nuns all dressed in black. She loved it.

And then there’s the nun doll Wendy got me one Christmas. She sits on one of my bookshelves next to the picture of Jesus with the flashing heart.

If I wasn’t so lazy I’m make myself an authentic nun get-up–a real one, with a heavily starched wimple etc. And then I’d go to Wal-Mart, hoping people would let me cut in line. No, wait, I hate Wal-Mart…I’d go to Stop & Shop perhaps and stock up on bags of candy and if I couldn’t find what I wanted, I’d shout out, “Where’s the fucking Reese’s pieces for crissake?”

@ Barbara – Buck dressed as a priest for Halloween when he was in his twenties. He just rubber-cemented a piece of white paper to his black T-shirt. But then he started going out like that to bars, long after Halloween, and bartenders would give him free drinks. All because of his rubber cement piece of paper. And he had long hair, too. They must have thought it was part of the cool-ization of the church, like folk singers at mass.

But speaking of nuns. Buck was an altar boy, and the nuns would all go to mass every morning after confession. They had to go every morning, because it was a rule or something. And Buck could never figure out what the hell they were confessing every day. Some nuns were so old they had to be rolled into the church. But, he says, all the nuns would heckle the altar boys through the whole mass, yelling “Louder!” when the kids would answer the priests in Latin. Nuns are church hecklars (sp?). You would have been an awesome nun.

Oh my GOD….I can’t breathe, and Tom thinks I’m insane, sitting over here laughing hysterically, trying to stop long enough to tell him what you guys have written here. I love Buck’s rubber cement collar idea, and Barbara’s nun-get up, and I have this mental picture of them dressed like that, sitting and smoking in a bar, cussing like sailors, and knocking back free drinks…

@ MBMQ – Barbara and Buck would totally be in that bar, cussing and smoking. But they’d be drinking insanely strong coffee, and comparing the priests and nuns of their past. And the clergy wouldn’t fare well at all.

Thanks for the shout out! We here at Toscano love your blog too. Gifts should be special and I must say the chaps at Toscano look for, design and create one of a kind artwork!
Toscano takes great pains in sculpting every piece with great detail and quality materials (designer resin and hand painting). I should know because I am one of their staff sculptors. I specialize in dragons and mystic art. Check me out! Love your Blog!

All I can say about the arrows are at least they are not pointing down! Seriously, I spoke with the Creative Director and he explained to me it is a Slash with a drop of blood, the paint makes it look like an arrow.

P.S. My friends fight over the Gargoyle bottle opener every time they come over!

@ Liam – WOW. I am so honored that you commented here … and so relieved that you aren’t horrified by my blog. Your art is just awesome; your mystical work, your dragons etc., you do truly amazing work. You’ve got probably the coolest job ever. Here at Life With Buck we’re all big fans of yours, so you can imagine the uproar you’ve caused by knowing we’re alive.

And I can’t thank you enough to checking into the Jesus blood for me! There was a lot of debate about it and you’ve kindly put an end to it. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but my husband re-enacted the sculpture for this blog:

I just got a comment from artist Liam also. I had put a pic of the dragon table on one of my blogs and he found it and left a comment. What’s cool about it is he actually reads your blog because his comment refers to my table and his comment to you refers to your blog. It’s not just a patent comment. I was so surprised to get one too.

I JUST found this comment, Joan, and it’s June 30! I’m soooo sorry. I’m so lame about checking my old posts, I promise to get better. This is wonderful that he commented on your blog and actually read it, etc. That guy is really cool. And smart, too, because from now on when I getorder from the catalog I will be looking for his work in particular.Very cool. ng>

I have been trying to get a piece by Liam Manchester, that Design Toscano no longer has, it is called “Conclave of Druidic Mourners Sculpture” It is an amazing piece.

“Echoes the quiet presence of a 15th-century original.

Symbolizing the spirituality of the ages, this faceless trio clasps their skeletal hands in a mystical union that recalls their druidic history throughout the ages of time. Our intricate, Toscano-exclusive sculpt casts shadows with draped robes and bowed heads and stands ready to take its place as a striking, European-style work for home or garden. This serene designer resin sculpture lends an image of peace and tranquility to any quiet corner.”

This catalog is amazing and I have so many pieces, my husband has an account, my dad has an account, my daughter has an account; so I can get gifts from them all from my wish list!

I love it!
If anyone knows a way I can get this piece above I would be greatful!
~deelodge

Hi Deelodge! Thanks for dropping in. I agree, the stuff from Toscano is amazing. I think that the artist Liam Manchester would know exactly where to get the piece you’re looking for. He commented here, a little above your comment. I would suggest clicking on his name and then emailing him in care of the website. I’m sure he’ll answer you. Good luck on your search!

Actually, referring to the Jesus statue in the Design Toscano catalog, those aren’t red arrows. They are supposed to be blood coming (dripping) from the wounds in his hands. They look like arrows, but they are not. Just poorly painted. I also found this definition online as to what the symbol of the heart means that is shown on that statue:

“The Sacred Heart is a devotional name used by some Roman Catholics to refer to the physical heart of Jesus Christ as a symbol of Divine love. Devotion to the Sacred Heart in focusing on Christ’s heart metaphorically focuses on the emotional and moral life of Jesus and especially His love for humanity. It also stresses the central Christian concept of loving and adoring Jesus. In most depictions, Christ’s heart is shown containing wounds to which Christ points, as well as a crown of thorns. This wounded heart is meant to symbolize Christ’s pain at the rejection of God’s Gospel message of salvation and righteousness by humanity. In including the crown of thorns, it alludes to the manner of Christ’s death, which is further highlighted by the inclusion of crucifixion wounds on Christ’s hands, in most images. Thus the Christ of the image is of a post-resurrection Jesus speaking to humanity, not the pre-crucifixion Jesus of the Gospels.”

Pretty interesting and full of symbolism, which is pretty much the Catholic faith. I sometimes, too, wish I had been brought up in the Catholic faith. Protestantism is so damn boring and tightly wrapped.