February 2015

As of recently, junior botany major Yvonne Manson has become another victim in a judgmental world. “I used to love going on relaxing walks around campus,” Manson said as she scratched the bulbous growth on her back. “Now, I hate them because I’m being pointed out for my female body in public.” Last week, Manson […] Read more

Yesterday the University of Nebraska Board of Regents announced that it has purchased a house in the North Bottoms to serve as the University of Nebraska president’s residence. “After President Milliken never moved into the house we bought for him, we decided to sell it and get something that wouldn’t make new presidents feel intimidated […] Read more

After several years of flip-flopping on the issue of whether or not to tear down the aging Cather-Pound residence halls the University has announced an innovative solution to satisfy both sides of the argument. “We just blow up floors 1-6 and leave 7-12 for incoming students!” announced an overly excited Chancellor Perlman at a press […] Read more

Death can be a troubling time for loved ones, and a well-written obituary can be a hard, yet thoughtful way to say goodbye. Fortunately though, the Lincoln Journal Star have solved all your obituary problems by announcing today that they have hired UNL sophomore and “Professional Psychic” Jordan Messersmith to edit the obituary section and […] Read more

Ants have never been lovable animals, and after some bothersome events, they still aren’t cute. It was a special, bright Wednesday at the open space outside the Student Union where a picnic lunch was lovingly placed on checkered blanket on the grass. Accompanied by a human couple, this lunch was certainly going to be romantic. […] Read more

There’s been a lot of information swirling around lately about exercise and how everyone should exercise. I’m going to cut through the noise and tell you all you need to know about exercise. Don’t. It was only a few short weeks ago when I found myself making the mistake of exercising. Before I could say […] Read more

Look at you. Sitting there, feeling all hunky dory. Well, you shouldn’t. Yeah, you shouldn’t. You know why? Well, isn’t it obvious? Don’t you see the shit-stained bird cage of bureaucracy? Because America is, like, the worst place ever, man. And you’re living in it. After my very lively semester of global studies and other […] Read more

When Adam Reynolds discovered the Holy Grail, he didn’t know what he was going to do. It was after one of Reynold’s wicked parties when he found a strange looking cup underneath a pile of forgotten coats and purses. “When I found it, I just thought that it was some shitty little cup,” said the […] Read more

In a Jan. 26 announcement at a donors’ retreat in Palm Springs, California, the Koch brothers announce their plan to spend nearly all of the future generation’s well-being to support conservative candidates in the 2016 elections. The plan comes as no surprise to political commentators and is in line with the gradual uptick in campaign […] Read more

Local resident William Meyers, 29, has it good. He found a good job immediately out of college, has a nice downtown condo, has plenty of friends, and is even engaged. However, there’s one thing his life is missing: Twitter notifications. “I just don’t get how it works,” Meyers said. “Am I supposed to ‘tweet’ jokes […] Read more