"The structure of the new universe is called 'the
toilet,'" said Garth Register Jr., an involved bystander
in evolution, "because it works like a toilet.
Everything just spirals off into infinity at the flick
of a wrist."

Register claimed the new universe was, however, like, no
fuckin' skin off his nose.

Register Seeks Republican
Nomination

As a result of being mentioned in the preceding article,
Garth Register Jr. has decided to seek the Republican
nomination for the presidency of the United States in
the year 2000.

Said Register, "Because of having appeared in the
preceding article, I am so encouraged, that I have
decided to seek the Republican nomination for the
presidency in the Year 2000."

Former Presidents Bush, Reagan, Carter and Ford all
immediately came out in support of Register, as did
former Vice-Presidents Quayle, Quayle, Quayle and
Quayle. Also Clinton and Gore came out in his support
as did George W. Bush and Liddy Dole and Lamar Alexander
and Colin Powell and former Secretaries of State
Kissinger, Baker, and Christopher if he's not dead, and
former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Rodney King,
and former CIA Director Woolsey and former FBI head
What's His Name and Mohammed Ali and Sylvester and Frank
Stallone and Kim Basinger -- although the Baldwin
brothers are still sitting on the fence about supporting
him.

"I guess I got a lotta mileage out of that mention in
the preceding article," said Register, "and if you send
your name and $850,000 to the Washington Pissed,
you too can probably have the Baldwin brothers sitting
on the fence about supporting you too."

History Repeats Itself

History repeated itself today when it told itself it
would kick its fucking ass if it didn't stop repeating
itself, but then, whoops, as soon as it finished saying
this, realized it had told itself to stop repeating
itself once before, so now had to kick its own ass as
promised for this, and then realized, the moment it had
finished kicking its own ass, that it had kicked its own
ass for this once before, too, so that now it would have
to kick its own ass for kicking its own ass again, but
then, as soon as it was done kicking its own ass again,
would have to immediately kick its own ass again for
having kicked its own ass again, again, and so on,
recursively, forever.

Jane Austeen has written extensively about the price of
this and about prejudice in her new book, "Price and
Prejudice."