"He stood between the living and the dead and the plague stopped." Numbers 16:48

Tag Archives: freedom

We all spend a lot of time thinking about what we are against.
Before I even finish typing this sentence I’ve already thought of at least ten things that I am absolutely against. Everything about our culture promotes the sense that we are responsible to know what we are against and that we need to join forces with other people who are against the same things that we are.

We draw attention to those things that we are against through boycotts, rallies, demonstrations, and blog posts. We leave the world around us in no doubt of what we don’t believe in, what we disavow, and what we reject.

We fight and we fight hard… the question is what are we fighting FOR?

In the war against all of the evil we’ve identified in the world, have we completely forgotten that there are things worth saving, worth uniting over, that there is good to uphold, and there is beauty to be seen?

What would our world look like if instead of bonding over what we are against, we stood together for good, for love, for things done right? What if we devoted our social spaces to honoring acts of kindness, to recognizing strength of character in others, to capturing moments of freedom, justice, and unconditional love?

At the end of my life I don’t want to be remembered for the list of things I was against, I want to be known for what I was for. I want give my life to pointing towards something and not steering people away. I want to be in the business of shining a light and illuminating truth, not exposing darkness and lies.

Can we live in that space? Can we use our words to speak life instead of breathing death?
What are we for?

I know. I am deceptively introverted, so I understand how much of a shock this news may come as to some of you.

While you try to recover from having your whole perception of me shaken keep reading.

As a younger person I was shy-ish. I say shy-ish because a lot of people assumed I was shy, but the truth was that I was more cautious than shy. I stepped out into the world with circumspection and moved through it doing a lot more watching than acting. There was something hidden deep inside, however, that longed for wild abandon.

It wasn’t the same as a desire to rebel– I didn’t feel the need to fight against an invisible cage placed around me by other people or circumstances. I wanted to break out of the prison cell of self. There was someone inside of me somewhere who wasn’t concerned with her reputation or how she measured up to everyone else. Buried under layers of worry about whether or not I exceeded people’s expectations and the constant drive towards perfection was a girl who was fun, who loved who she was, loved how she was made and I wanted to find her.

It was heartbreaking to admit over and over again that I had no clue how to unearth a less severe side of myself. I’m naturally a competitive and determined person, so my approach to personal change or growth has always been to white knuckle it into submission. After one inevitable failed attempt after another I learned that this tactic was paradoxical to finding freedom.

Eventually resigning myself to the belief that the carefree person I had hoped was hidden in my soul just did not exist, I finally met her in the most unlikeliest of places– A gay bar.

I was twenty-seven at the time and had come to the end of many ropes. Relationships had failed miserably, my desperate need for control was crushing me, and all of the ways I had tried so hard to live up to the standard that I believed God and everyone else had laid out before me were leaving me feeling dead inside. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person looking back at me. I’d had enough.

Literally and figuratively throwing caution to the wind I started going out with friends. I learned that a little liquid courage went a long way towards making me feel brave enough to face the dark side of the moon. If I couldn’t find a sense of freedom, I had decided I would settle for a sense of carelessness instead.

One fateful evening, weary of dodging the ceaseless advances of stumbling drunk members of the opposite sex, but anxious for something to do, my friend suggested we go to a gay club and dance. Up to this point dancing hadn’t ever occurred to me, the places my friends and I normally hung out were “grown up” bars where you sat around, looked pretty and drank fancy cocktails while pretending to maintain conversations. I had heard that gay clubs were a safe haven for the single straight lady looking for a place to have fun because there was little to no risk of getting hit on or propositioned in any sort of way.

Considering the way I was raised and my parents ministry I felt a tiny twinge of guilt and the hint of a sense of betrayal (which now seems ridiculous to me), but the appeal was too great and I agreed to go.

What I found there I will never forget. We stepped inside and the dance floor was crowded, the music was loud and the atmosphere was… brace yourself… joyful. It hit me like a wrecking ball– the air was light and easy to breathe with lack of judgement. People were jumping up and down and moving to the music, not only because they wanted to but because they couldn’t help themselves. Whether you were a skilled dancer or completely uncoordinated didn’t matter, everyone was welcome to cast off their labels, their insecurities, their pride and feel alive.

It was contagious. As Cher sang the words “Do you believe in life after love” to a roaring house mix I found myself, completely sober, in the middle of the dance floor flailing for all I was worth. The camaraderie between my fellow movers and shakers and I was unlike anything I had ever experienced anywhere else. These people didn’t know me, they didn’t care what I tried to live up to or how I failed, they just welcomed me in.

It felt like I was experiencing pure and unadulterated joy for the very first time in my life. Something cracked deep inside of my heart and God spoke– “This thing that you feel filling you up with a sense of wonder that is unrestrained is me. There’s nothing hidden from me, there’s no judgement in me, there are no wrong dance moves, but you can’t dance at all if you’re carrying all of your stuff, so come to me the way that you came to this dance floor.”

I love to dance.

It’s how I learned about surrender and joy.

I’m not perfect… Every day I have to remember to put my stuff down so that I can dance, but now I know that I can if I just will.

Will you have the same experience in the same kind of place? I don’t know, I can’t give you an answer for that. What I do know is that God isn’t limited in the ways he can and will speak. He is creative and he knows that sometimes what we need most is to see him in the unlikely places, not where we’re used to looking for him.

I just read this wonderful testimony from a young man named Everett Wickham, it blew me away. He shares about his journey with Same Sex Attractions, porn addiction and his desire for God. Go read it for yourself and leave him some encouragement or a kind word. I think he is very brave for sharing his story . To see a man his age longing for God with such determination in the midst of such a serious battle is really very cool. And it’s not that he believes that God is going to magic his SSA away, he says in the post

“We (as Christians) all wrestle with various sins, and if I had to pick something to struggle with, this sin would not be it. But I can’t choose my struggles. Neither can you. I can, however, choose what I do with them. I can choose to deny myself every day, and take up my cross, and follow Christ. So can you.

And that is what I am doing. This journey is a very difficult one, and God is still writing it. I am turning my story over to Him, and I am submitting it to Him. Part of that is obeying His command to share it with you. Living two different lives is utterly horrible. And telling you my story brings a great level of transparency to my life. It’s God’s story to do what He pleases with. I am His child. God is showing me that He does indeed “cause all things to work together for good” (Romans 8:28).”

! Very cool stuff. Go read it! And then pray for this young man, we as the body of Christ need to be constantly praying and lifting up the younger ones in our family.

Also check out Truth Ministry in South Carolina,their director McKrae Game who, as you will see in Everett’s story helped him so much, has a wonderful testimony and blog too!