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I love keeping journals/blogs. I have a problem at holding myself accountable on continuing them however (I have three or four different journals that I've started, stopped, and just haven't picked up again). Hoping having this online one will help keep me accountable to re-journalling in my others and that people may yell at me when I kinda disappear.

So my current biggest worry. Lamian lost her job in June due to being ill. She's got doctor's clearance a few weeks ago and have started looking for work again. Woodsmith quit his job because he was going back to school to finishs his Bachelor's degree. Darkeyes just lost his job yesterday due to attendance problems. I'm going to be without a job in a month or two (I've been looking since July when I found out I was losing my job). That means between 6 people in 2 homes only 2 people have actual work income coming in (Lamian just got approved for unemployment and Woodsmith's father is helping him with living expenses).

For myself I'm planning not only to file for unemployment but also try to really get a few more modeling/burleseque gigs to help out with my expenses as well as doing some spas for BeautiControl. But I'm just worried on how everything is going to work itself out right now.

Last night was hard. Had a therapy session that broke me because of this work thing and then broke down at home with Woodsmith, Primal, Lamian, and Darkeyes.

Lamian, Darkeyes, Woodsmith and I also had an eye roll moment. Peaseblossum called to talk to Primal (something she does every night) and talked to him for over an hour. The eye roll part comes from the fact she'll have a temper tantrum if either of us call him to talk to him while he's with her (he will however turn off his phone if he's taking either of us on a date or has set time aside for just for a dyad combination which pisses Peaseblossum off).

Sometimes I wonder if the four of us (L,D,W, and I) only put up with Peaseblossum for Primal's sake.

Last night was my night with Primal after our weekly D&D game. Also got to talk to a friend who is only passing the BAR away from being lawyer about my work situation. He gave me some advice that I'm going to use today.

Primal has a working phone again too. That's a good thing for me because I really enjoy sending little messages to all of my family throughout the day (to the point that I missed sending them to him that I sent a few even though his phone was dead).

Tonight Lamian and I are going to a Whine and Wine night at a friend's house (pretty much a stitch and bitch craft night with wine) and then meeting up with the boys at a bar for some house music.

Darkeye's has a job interview today also which is really good to hear.

Can I just cry? I can't deal with this work stress any more. I can't handle this back and forth bullying retaliation for takng FMLA time. I can't stand not having any work to do and being chastied for not doing any work.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be curled up with my family and just cry out this stress. I don't know why this hurts so much trying to get everything taken care of work wise.

At least my family is doing well. I don't know how I'd cope right now if there was any drama there.

Stress level decreased. I got to talk to HR and have gotten my position re-instated. Primal got a raise and is getting a promotion this month. Darkeyes got a job. All really good things. Now Lamian and I have to convince Peaseblossum having a kitten wouldn't be a bad thing so we can take the cute black kitten home. Everyone but Peaseblossum have said yes to it (despite Darkeyes and I being the only ones not allergic to cats).

*eye roll* Job does what it says and then I get offered an interview. They are willing to work around work so totally taking it (it's actually something I really enjoy doing).

How do you help out with a meta/paramour (I don't know what to call Peaseblossum, we were heading to more of a paramour level until we each hurt each other and are currently repairing all of that) when she lives a bit away from most of the people, currently doesn't have a phone/internet, and time doesn't always work out for her to either come down to us or us up to her? She's worried about feeling isolated and her not being around hurting her relationship with Primal and her friendships with everyone else. It's really hard right now because her grandmother was just diagnosed with breast cancer and the only place she has phone/internet is when she's at her mom's but she won't really be able to talk to us (espeically Primal) much because her mom thinks her being in a relationship with someone who isn't only with her (especially since he's married) is just her being used as a play toy to cheat on people with so she's very against them being together.

I know I shouldn't be either but I can't help it (or figure out how to stop it).

Sunday night while I was drifting to sleep I overheard Lamian and Primal talking. Mostly about sex and everything to make sure that we don't end up getting any cooties spreading around (a good bulk of it was about if Peaseblossum is having sex with other women that we don't really know about).

So the scared part. Primal told Lamian that while he doesn't want any other relationships because he's spread thin enough with just us three he may have a fling now or then. Why that got me scared. I'm fine with the fling part, but I just remember that our relationship (and his and Peaseblossum for that matter) started out as flings that just kinda grew into more. I'm third in his life and if that was to happen with another I'm scared of our relationship dying because of it. I know I need to talk to him about it but I have zero idea how to broach the topic. Or when. Cause I don't want to put this on him right now because his and Peaseblossum's aniversary is this weekend and I don't want my mental stuff even possibly clouding their time together.

The hurt part. I love Lamian. Quite a bit. But I've been slowly coming to the realization that she doesn't see us as more than play friends and metamours (which I guess would put us kinda in between paramours and metamours because we do have a BDSM relationship). The hurt part was just hearing her talk about the fact that she wants a relationship with a female because having two relationships with guys don't give her what she needs/wants from a relationship from a female. I know that just hearing that at the moment hurts because I'm still having myself come to terms with the fact she doesn't see me as relationship (outside of BDSM) material for her.

So now I'm just sitting here trying to figure out where to go with both of these things to hlep foster my own self-care.

Awkward moment. Primal and I were alone in the house after Lamian and Darkeyes went to his place. So we eventually end up having sex when Woodsmith comes home. The dog (Taboo) normally makes happy noises when family is home but didn't. We did realize but not until he walked into the bathroom.

Apologized, he even stated he wasn't upset just thought it was awkward to walk in on us. And now we're all sitting together watching Gorillaz music videos.