John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Have I Gone Crazy? (Published 10/15/2010)

Q:

“P” a Tributes.com visitor from Florida asks:

I lost my husband of 35 years several months ago. I feel like I have gone crazy. I’ve been to a psychologist weekly, church, support groups, I just can’t live like this, and I don’t feel like a have any reason to live. My Dr. said I have detached chronic complicated grief. Is this common?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear P,

Thanks for your note and question.

First, I need to say that neither John nor I are doctors, therefore we are not licensed or authorized to discuss any diagnosis that you’ve received from your doctor. However we can comment on some of you concerns, for example: “I feel like I have gone crazy.” That is one of the most frequent laments we hear from grieving people. As bad as it feels, it’s also normal and natural and logical. After all, your world is upside down. You and your husband were together for 12,775 days in a row, and then, in one heartbeat, he was no longer physically alive. Trying to adapt to your life in his absence can indeed make you feel crazy. As to support groups—a sad reality is that some support groups inadvertently support pain rather than recovery. Talking about how bad you feel every week makes you good at feeling bad. We suggest that you get a copy of “The Grief Recovery Handbook.” As you start reading it, you’ll probably begin to feel less crazy, and then as you start taking the actions it outlines, you’ll probably regain your reasons to live. [We know that grieving people always hear, “You have every reason to live,” and they want to scream back, “Yeah, name one.”]

We hope you find this response and the principles and actions in “The Grief Recovery Handbook” helpful.