Painting Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

How do two lesbians pass their time when on their period?

Finger painting.

ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting.

CRITIC: It's worthless.

ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian

are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"

(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)

Contagious

"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"

Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.

"Yes, Johnny?"

"My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said, 'Blimey, that'll take the contageous!'"

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting...

of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The Frenchman says,"They must be French; they're naked and they're eating fruit."The Englishman says,"Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the woman is offering fruit to the man." The Russian replies,"No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

Typical Johnny

Teacher asks the class if they can think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.

After a long pause little Johnny puts his hand up. "yes Johnny, give it a go"

I was in the car with my dad and we were driving past one of our neighbours who was painting his garden fence with a toothbrush. My dad said "it's going to take that contagious to finish that"

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in Eden.

The Frenchman says "they must be French, look at them, they are naked and eating fruit". The Brit says "No, they are English, look how politely the man offers the woman the fruit". The Russian says "You are both wrong, they are Russian. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and think they are in paradise

Bill's mom and dad want to have their own private time...

Bill's mom and dad want to have sex but their son is always around.They come up with an idea and ask Bill to go to balcony and report everything happening in the neighborhood.

They start to have sex while Bill reports.

"Miss Humphrey is going to office."

"Daniel is working at his garden."

"and umm..Mr.Bob is painting his window."

"Dave's mom and dad are having sex."

Bill's mom and dad stop right away and his dad asks from the bedroom,"How do you know that?"

Bill says,"Dave is on the balcony."

I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.

When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, Can you spare me something to eat? I haven't eaten in several days and I'm not picky.

The farmer says, I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?

"Oh, yes sir," the man says. An hour later the newly minted painter returns. The farmer is impressed. That was fast! Come on in and sit down, and I'll bring you a nice bowl of soup and some fresh bread.

The painter says, Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it the opportunity to earn this food. But there's something I need to say. Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you something important; you need to hear this. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.

An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...

to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the artist replied, 'Lenin's in Poland'

Teacher: "OK Sarah, what's your sentence with contagious?"

Student: "Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said it will take the contagious."

3 nuns and a blind man.

The nuns just finished building the addition to their monastary, but it still had to be painted. The head nun gave 3 of the nuns the task. She says: "Sisters, make sure you don't get any paint on your robes!" The three nuns decided, since there was no one around, to just strip naked. They ae painting for a while, when they hear a knock at he door. "Who is it?" one of them asks. The man outside replies: "Blind man!" The sisters agree there would be no harm in letting him in, since he is blind. They open the door, and he exclaims: "Woah, Sister! Where do you want these blinds?"

So there was an abandoned church...

and few nuns get sent over to clean it up a bit and restore its former glory. As they were painting the ceiling, one of them says, "Sisters, it is VERY hot in here, and we're working so feverishly, and i really don't want to get any paint on our robes. What say you, we just strip down, and finish this paint job in our birthday suits. This church has been abandoned for years, and even if somebody comes, we can always throw our robes back on in a second." The other nuns agree.

A few minutes later there's a knock on the door. One of the nuns looks through the mail slot and sees a man standing there. So she says "Who is it?" and the man answers "I'm the blind man."

Relieved the nun opens the door, and the man walks in and says "Nice hooters. Where do you want these blinds?"

Two men are painting a church.

They are painting it blue.

They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.

The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.

They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.

Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

"What on earth is that, Holmes?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway...

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. "Wow!" he says. "You did eight miles today! That's amazing!"

The second day, the blonde's production is down to four miles. "Still pretty darn good," the supervisor says.

On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. "What's going on?" he asks. "The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What's the problem?"

I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid

He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences

Jerry is that you?

said Tom.

Jerry - "Oh my god, Tom! I haven't seen you since college!"

Tom - "Yea it's been a while, how are things?"

Jerry - "Not bad, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I ended up finishing that Bachelor's of Fine Arts and spend my time painting. I love it, wouldn't give it up for the world! How bout you? You end up finishing your degree?"

Tom - "Yep, Software Engineering. I make a pretty comfortable living and it's rewarding work. I can't believe it, it's been so long. It was great catching up with you."

Jerry - "It was, it was. Just one last question."

Tom - "Shoot."

Jerry - "Would you like fries or onion rings with your burger?"

Tom - "Fries."

Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle...

Because it touches me so much

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.

-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again

With anger in his eyes the painter said:

-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"

I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.

There's an apartment with 4 floors...

... on the first floor there is an artist, on the second there's a plummer, the third there is a blind man, and on the fourth there is a woman taking a shower. The woman taking a shower hears a knock on the door, she gets out of the shower, puts her robe on and opens the door. It's the artist, "I just sold a painting for thousands of dollars!" he exclaims.
"That's wonderful, congrats!" she replies. Then the woman closes the door and gets back into the shower. A few minutes later she hears another knock. She puts her robe on and opens the door. It's the plummer.
"I finally opened my own pluming business, and will be making much more money," the plummer says.
"That's great, congrats!" the woman replies. she then gets back into the shower. Just a few moments later she hears another knock. She thinks it must be the blind man. So she gets out of the shower but decides not to put her robe on. She opens the door and it's the blind man.
"Guess what?" the blind man yells.
"What?" the woman asks.
"I can see again!"

Do you know why Van Gogh got into painting

Be cause he didn't have an ear for music.

A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60's together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It's perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60's luminaries standing in the grass, but none are coming inside. Paul McCartney is playing cards with Mick Jagger.

The billionaire is stunned. I've spent a year building this palace, making it perfect in every detail for the best musicians the 60's has ever known. Why won't you come inside?

John Lennon adjusts his glasses and calls out: You forgot The Doors.

Lenin in Poland

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

The artist is confused; "Lenin never went to Poland" he claims. The commissioner doesnt care about the facts however, and just wants the painting.

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.﻿

A priest is painting the outside of his church...

He realizes he won't have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out:

"Repaint, and thin no more."

Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus.

The painting only takes one nail.

I decided to teach Karate to my neighbor's kid

He was enthusiastic the first 2 days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences...

Why did the painting go to jail?

Because it was framed!

The lawyer is painting his house, and a hobo comes around and asked if he could do something or in a few dollars.

The lawyer says, "sure, take a can of paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch."
The hobo does this and 15 minutes later comes back and says he's finished. The lawyer says, "already?" And the hobo says," yeah, but it isn't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"

My friend Todd is a midget and was asked to judge paintings at an art show...

While reviewing the entries, they came across a particularly terrible painting.

I´ve just done a quote for painting Dr Who´s TARDIS.

Painting a Church: My favourite joke

Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.

One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.

Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as he stands on his scaffolding to finish off the steeple, he smiles to himself: the paint job looks pretty good, he's scammed the church out of a few hundred bucks, and he'll be done before dinner.

Suddenly, thunder ensues, a huge bolt of lightning knocks Bill right off his scaffolding, and the skies open up - and all of Bill's newly-applied paint washes right off the church.

Bill, a religious man despite his thievery, knows it's a sign from God. He falls to his knees in a puddle of rainwater and paint, and cries, "Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"

And amongst the thunder, a booming voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

A blond woman goes around a rich neighbourhood looking for work...

A blond goes around a rich neighbourhood, looking for jobs to make some quick money. She goes up to one of the houses front doors, and asks the man who answered the door if he needs any painting done. He asks if she could paint his porch. She agrees, and tells him it will cost $50 do do. The man goes back inside, and tells his wife that the woman is painting his porch for $50. The wife, surprised resonds but the porch goes all around the entire house. $50 isn't near what we should be paying to get it painted." The man dismisses this, and 15 minutes later, the woman knocks on his door, saying she is done, and even did a second coat. The man, amazed, asks her how she got done so quickly, to which she responds its not *that* big. And by the way, it's not a Porsche, it a Ferrari"

What's common between an old guy and a painting?

It only takes one bad stroke to kill them.

That has got to be the worst painting of a wagon I have ever seen

"It's a horse-drawn carriage", replied the artist.

I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal

It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.

This racism thing has gone too far

I mean you can't even say black paint anymore, you have to say "Leeroy, would you mind painting the fence"

A blonde gets a job painting pavement markings on the highway...

Her first day out she paints 9 miles. Impressed by this, her boss calls her to his office to congratulate her on doing such a nice job.

Her second day out she paints 7 miles, the third day she paints 5 miles, the fourth day she paints 3 miles, and the fifth day she only paints one mile.

Confused by this, her boss calls her into his office again and asks "What happened? You were doing so well your first day, and now you're hardly getting anything done!"

She says "I'm trying sir, but the paint can keeps getting further and further away!"

Donald Trump was admiring the Sistine chapel

Trump : this is the bestest painting I've ever seen

Docent : yes indeed Mr. President , it was painted by Michaelangelo ..

Trump : I know the fake news media makes me look like an idiot but I'm not foolish to believe that it was painted by a freaking turtle

A man spent millions on an impressionist painting then ate it...

He put his Monet where his mouth is.

A teacher asks his students to make a sentence with the word "contagious"...

...Sally answers, "Viruses are contagious."

"Very good Sally. Anybody else?", the teacher says.

Ben puts up his hand, "When I hear someone laugh, I like to laugh as well, because laughter is contagious".

"Thankyou Ben, that was a good example", replies the teacher.

Then Timmy puts up his hand. "Yes Timmy", asks the teacher.

"My neighbour was painting the outside of his house with a two inch brush, and my Dad said that it would take the contagious."

What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?

The Sha-Mona Lisa.

A little girl is painting a picture and her mom asks what she's painting...

A couple hooked up to the Joy of painting.....

9 months later they had a happy little accident

Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

Gynecologist and wall painting job

Gynecologist had no job and was broke af, after a while and many failed job interviews he gave up on his dreams and found a job as a wall painter.
On the first day, he went to work with two more coworkers to paint some walls in a vacation home at the lake.
After a day of work the team returned and the boss asked the other two coworkers "How was the new guy?"
Coworkers said "Boss, this one is a keeper! I had to promise him a raise, I hope you're not angry".
The boss asked "Why, what happened?"
Coworker answered "Well, the home owners forgot to unlock one room upstairs and we couldn't find the key so he painted the whole room through the keyhole."

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What are the funniest painting jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Painting? Well, here are the best Painting puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Painting pick up lines to share with friends.