Discovery

Those dark days I would climb into my car and howl with pain and rage, safely, so that my neighbors would not hear me. I never minded my lovemaking being overheard; my grief I wanted to keep private.I was shocked, then, by the animalistic nature of my sorrow. Sobbing, screaming, groaning my face wet with tears my teeth bared in a grimace. If any other drivers had seen me, I would not have known or cared.

And so I emerge from the darkness still discovering the depths the man went to deceive me. How it continued even until April, until now. I am closing the circle with several women he pursued while claiming I was, with his wife, oh yeah and that bj with Sabrina, the only one he was with.

My mind is recovering My spirit and soul will find their way home. My heart will mend and some day, one day, Karma will... so help me god... prevail.

Volcano, pardon my anger here but everyone in the world, plus his brother, sister mother and neighbors have all told me, 'move on, you are better off without him, disengage, stop obsessing, blah blah blah.'

A person dealing with any loss has their own process. (Look to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross). Advice, platitudes, telling me to try Jesus all serve to push me farther away. I sit home alone more often than not now, alone, because I am re-learning how to find peace and happiness on my own. But it is also because no one calls me up with a plan. Or they make a plan but then they bail, getting too busy to call and cancel. Now that I have 'retired' from the swing/casual sex scene, I look around me and find few true friends~men who want nothing more from me than my presence, my friendship. When I stop playing the game, the audience all go home.

You have no idea about the state of my mind, or my process of grieving. "Don't let this discovery obsess you" is, in my book, akin to telling someone to 'get over it'. I will do what I need to process my life. Now, how would you be as a friend, I wonder?

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