Thursday, February 14, 2013

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Sweet Mattias,
How are you five months old? It's been nearly half a year since you entered the world and it truly seems impossible. How many times will I say that? Many, many more, I assure you.

But you are five months old and you are so loved. I worried when I was pregnant with you that you wouldn't get the same attention your sister did as a newborn. Of course it's different, but it has been better that I thought. Its your eyes. You suck me in. There are lots of moments throughout the day- while you're eating, as we're cuddling before bed, after a jog just me and you- when I could dash off to do something, but I look into your eyes and I just can't. I'm stopped in my tracks. Your eyes are so perfectly blue and full of love.

At five months you continue to be remarkably easy going. You are mostly happy to just hang out on the floor and gum some toys, or your hands, if toys aren't available. You've also discovered what fun your little toesies are. Sometimes you do insist on being held, but once in my arms, you are cool as a cucumber. You let me chase after your sister, chat with my friends while just tagging along for the ride.

Lately I have been wondering if you, my second baby, will also be my last. Because of that, and because I have the perspective of how truly short this stage is, I am cherishing this time with you. The nursing sessions, the rocking before naps, the grabbing of toes and chomping on fingers. The giggles, the sleepy smiles in the middle of the night, the softest thigh rolls. Another good part of having gone through this before is knowing it just keeps getting better. So while part of me mourns that I seem to have blinked at the hospital and opened my eyes to a baby who holds up his head and stands in an exersaucer, I know the best is yet to come.

I love every inch of you and know that you were handpicked for our family. You are perfect for us.

Friday, February 8, 2013

A year from now, I will have a nearly 18 month old baby and a three and a half year old. It's hard to imagine what life will look like then. Mattias will be sleeping through the night (he basically is already), he'll likely be weaned and I'm guessing he'll be running around like a little Tasmanian devil. Meredith will be more independent, even more verbal and more social.

Me? I'm guessing I'll have baby fever. I can imagine it now- my two babies very obviously not babies anymore. Distance from pregnancy, having my body back to myself and two kiddos who won't need me quite so intensely? A recipe for wanting more babies. And in a year, we'll evaluate and decide, but me, right now? I want to shout from the rooftops, NO MORE BABIES!

If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know how much I love being a mom. You know how much I adore my two children. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for Meredith and Mattias and for the chance to be home raising them. That being said, life feels very full right now. I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. I have moments when I could burst into tears because being needed so much, so frequently feels like too much. I have (lots of) days when I basically toss the kids into Chris's arms the second he walks in the door because that 5:00-6:00pm hour is just brutal. Some days, by the time I've managed to get both kids into the car, I feel like I've run a marathon. Balancing toddler tantrums and discipline with the nursing, bouncing and napping of a baby can feel like too much. I frequently wish Mimi or Neenah were just a quick drive away instead of the cross-country or multiple leg flight they really are.

This week has actually been a good one. Those overwhelmed moments have been slightly less frequent. But even in the good moments, I feel like I should be done. Today, leaving the store, heading to the car, I pushed Mattias in the stroller and gave Meredith a piggy-back ride. I could do both. It wasn't too much. And I had that thought, "Three would be too much."

I hate to think that. I hate even more to say it. I've always said I want three children. I've also always tempered that statement with, "You know, if we're not overwhelmed with two." I can't even tell you how many times I've said that. I've never once actually meant it. It never occurred to me that two would be enough. That two would feel so full.

I love that I can hold both of them. I love that when I get special one-on-one time with Mattias at bedtime, I can hear Chris and Meredith wrestling in the next room. I love that Meredith and I can have our girl time and Mattias and Chris can have their dude time.

So, I don't know. I guess I just had to write this out. I needed it somewhere out of my head so that next winter, when my arms are aching for a newborn, I can be reminded that this winter I am feeling pretty overwhelmed. If we decide to have more, that will be wonderful. If God decides we need more, even if we don't think so, that will also be wonderful. But I don't want to make that decision without remembering that these early months are stretching me and pushing me more than is always comfortable.

Hi! I'm Beaktweets!

Most people call me Claire, though. Married to my best friend. Mama to two cuties. Loving life in the San Francisco Bay Area. Spend my days playing outside, baking, doing laundry and trying to time two naps perfectly so I can get one myself.