This blog is a record of my path from a life encumbered by dedication to values not truthful to my Self to a life more Authentic. In these posts I explore the complexities that create Verbal Abuse and Cultural Opression of Women, with the support of the curative Empowerment of Feminism.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

M.Scott Peck on Narcissism, from The People of the Lie

The Narcissist: Refusal to acknowledge sin

It is necessary that we first draw the distinction between evil and ordinary sin. It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people...The central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it.p 69

If evil people cannot be defined by the illegality of their deeds or the magnitude of their sins, then how are we to define them? The answer is by the consistency of their sins. While usually subtle, their destructiveness is remarkably consistent. This is because those who have "crossed over the line" are characterized by their absolute refusal to tolerate the sense of their own sinfulness.p 71

The evil hate the light--the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of truth that penetrates their deception.p 179 Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the sociopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness.p 76

The poor in spirit do not commit evil. Evil is not committed by people who feel uncertain about their righteousness, who question their own motives, who worry about betraying themselves. The evil in this world is committed by the spiritual fat cats, by the Pharisees of our own day, the self-righteous who think they are without sin because they are unwilling to suffer the discomfort of significant self-examination.

Unpleasant though it may be, the sense of personal sin is precisely that which keeps our sin from getting out of hand. It is quite painful at times, but it is a very great blessing because it is our one and only effective safeguard against our own proclivity for evil. p 71-72

The Narcissist: Self Image of Perfection

Utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, [the evil] are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. Outwardly [they] seem to live lives that are above reproach. The words "image." "appearance," and "outwardly" are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil.p 75

The Narcissist: Excessive intolerance of criticism

In Martin Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings." p 80 Self-criticism is a call to personality change...The evil are pathologically attached to the status quo of their personalities, which in their narcissism they consciously regard as perfect. I think it is quite possible that the evil may perceive even a small degree of change in their beloved selves as representing total annihilation. p 74

The Narcissist: Scapegoating

[Evil is] the use of power to destroy the spiritual growth of others for the purpose of defending and preserving the integrity of our own sick selves. In short, it is scapegoating. 119 A predominant characteristic...of the behavior of those I call evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at any one who does reproach them. They sacrifice others to preserve their self-image of perfection. p 73

Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad.

They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others...Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people I label as evil are chronic scapegoaters....The evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. p 73-74

The Narcissist: Disguise and pretense

While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their "goodness" is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. That is why they are the "people of the lie". The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. p 76

Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors--either to others or to themselves. p 104 Because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable p 76....Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. p 106

The Narcissist: Intellectual deviousness

[A] reaction that the evil frequently engender in us is confusion. Describing an encounter with an evil person, one woman wrote, it was "as if I'd suddenly lost my ability to think"....This reaction is quite appropriate. Lies confuse. The evil are "the people of the lie", deceiving others as they also build layer upon layer of self-deception.

I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse. p 179

The Narcissist: Greed

The Narcissist: Unsubmitted will

If the central defect of the evil is not one of conscience, then where does it reside? The essential psychological problem of human evil, I believe is a particular variety of narcissism....The particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. p 80

Malignant narcissism is characterized by an unsubmitted will.All adults who are mentally healthy submit themselves one way or another to something higher than themselves, be it God or truth or love or some other ideal....They believe in what is true rather than what they would like to be true.

In summary, to a greater or lesser degree, all mentally healthy individuals submit themselves to the demands of their own conscience. Not so the evil, however....They are men and women of obviously strong will, determined to have their own way. p 78 Such people literally live "in a world of their own" in which the self reigns supreme. p 162

The Narcissist: Coercion and control of others

[Evil is] the exercise of political power--that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion--in order to avoid...spiritual growth...Because their willfulness is so extraordinary--and always accompanied by a lust for power--I suspect that the evil are more likely than most to politically aggrandize themselves.....There is a remarkable power in the manner in which they attempt to control others.p 78

[In describing one of his patients, Peck says] Charlene's desire to make a conquest of me....to utterly control our relationship, knew no bounds. It seemed to be a desire for power purely for its own sake. p 176 She wanted the reigns in her hands every moment. p 158

The Narcissist: Lack of empathy

Theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, the capacity for empathy...Their narcissism makes the evil dangerous not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others.

In addition to the fact that the evil need victims to sacrifice to their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well....The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not "see" others at all.

There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealings with each other we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of--and prerequisite for--mental health both that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. p 136-137

The Narcissist: Symbiotic relationship

Another form of devastation that narcissistic intrusiveness can create is the symbiotic relationship. "Symbiosis"--as we use the term in psychiatry--is not a mutually beneficial state of interdependence. Instead it refers to a mutually parasitic and destructive coupling. In the symbiotic relationship neither partner will separate from the other even though it would obviously be beneficial to each if they could. p 137

I doubt that it is possible for two utterly evil people to live together in the close quarters of a sustained marriage. They would be too destructive for the necessary cooperation....In every evil couple, if we could examine them closely enough, I image we would find one partner at least slightly in thrall to the other. p 119 For adults to be the victims of evil, they too must be powerless to escape....They may be powerless by virtue of their own failure of courage....bound by chains of laziness and dependency. p 119-120

Evil in families

It is my experience that evil seems to run in families. p 80 If evil were easy to recognize, identify and manage, there would be no need for this book. But the fact of the matter is that it is the most difficult of all things with which to cope. p 130 [Evil] will contaminate or otherwise destroy a person who remains too long in its presence. p 65

The evil deny the suffering of their guilt--the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and imperfection--by casting their pain onto the other through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. The evil cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. p 123-124

It happens then, that the children of evil parents enter adulthood with very significant psychiatric disturbances. ....It is doubtful that some can be wholly healed of their scars from having had to live in close quarters with evil without correctly naming the source of their problems.

To come to terms with evil in one's parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary searing vision are those who are able to name it. p 130

3 comments:

sin1 [sin] noun1. transgression of divine law: the sin of Adam.2. any act regarded as such a transgression, especially a willful or deliberate violation of some religious or moral principle.3. any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.; great fault or offense: It's a sin to waste time.(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sin)

Belief is not knowledge. Insisting you push this belief in a divine law and sin, then yes, it will be near impossible to get someone to see their "sins" if the person sees acts as just acts and not in a righteous or sinful manner. For those who the only purpose in this life is to survive, to fulfill their own needs and desires, nothing is a sin.

The moment a woman comes home to herself, the moment she knows that she has become a person of influence, an artist of her own life, a sculptor of her universe, a person with rights and responsibilities who is respected and recognized, the resurection of the world begins.

Joan Chittister

23,000 Pageviews!

Hey Rusty Feminists, we are over twenty three thousand pageviews, and growing! Your support means a alot to me and I continue to believe that telling my story has meaning outside of my own experience!! AWESOME and THANK YOU

The Social Costs of Pornography

"Overall, the body of research on pornography reveals a number of negative attitudes and behaviors that are connected with its use. It functions as a teacher, a permission-giver, and a trigger of these negative behaviors and attitudes. The damage is seen in men, women and children, and to both married and single adults. It involves pathological behaviors, illegal behaviors, and some behaviors that are both illegal and pathological."

Peter Pan

The Peter-Pan psychological type is one characterized by immaturity or certain sorts of psychological, social, and sexual problems. The type of personality in question, usually male, is immature and narcissistic. More completely, according to Kiley, the characteristics of a "Peter-Pan" include such attributes as irresponsibility, rebelliousness, pottering about, anger,narcissism, dependency, manipulativeness, and the belief that he is beyond society's laws and norms. According to Kiley, "Peter Pan" is the adult little boy who, when in a relationship or in seeking a relationship, acts out a need for mothering. It is useful to compare the Jungian archetype of Puer Aeternus, the eternal boy.

Bessel van der Kolk/ The Compulsion to Repeat Trauma

Walker145 has clarified the operation of intermittent reinforcement paradigms in such relationships, applying the animal model of punishment-indulgence patterns. In child abuse or spouse battering, this mechanism is accentuated by the extreme contrast of terror followed by submission and reconciliation. When such negative reinforcement occurs intermittently, the reinforced response consolidates the attachment between victim and victimizer. During the abuse, victims tend to dissociate emotionally with a sense of disbelief that the incident is really happening. This is followed by the typical post-traumatic response of numbing and constriction, resulting in inactivity, depression, self-blame, and feelings of helplessness. Walker145 describes the process as follows: "tension gradually builds" (during phase one), an explosive battering incident occurs (during phase two), and a "calm, loving respite follows phase three). The violence allows intense emotional engagement and dramatic scenes of forgiveness, reconciliation, and physical contact that restoresthe fantasy of fusion and symbiosis.87,140 Hence, there are two powerful sources of reinforcement: the "arousal-jag" or excitement before the violence and the peace of surrender afterwards, Both of these responses, placed at appropriate intervals, reinforce the traumatic bond between victim and abuser.31,145To varying degrees, the memory of the battering incidents is state-dependent or dissociated, and thus only comes back in full force during renewed situations of terror. This interferes with good judgment about the relationship and allows longing for love and reconciliation to overcome realistic fears.

People need a "safe base" for normal social and biologic development. Traumatization occurs when both internal and external resources are inadequate to cope with external threat. Uncontrolable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people whe intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Assaults lead to hyperarousal states for which the memory can be state-dependent or dissociated, and this memory only returns fully during renewed terror. This interferes with good judgment about these relationships and allows longing for attachment to overcome realistic fears.

(excerpted from the link below)

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

Joan Didion

The narcissist seeks to legitimise his child-like conduct and his infantile mental world by actually remaining a child, by refusing to mature and to grow up, by avoiding the hallmarks of adulthood, and by forcing others to accept him as the Puer Aeternus, the Eternal Youth, a worry-free, unbounded, Peter Pan.

A Lesson for Bullies

A teacher in New York was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform: she had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stomp on it and really mess it up but do not rip it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty it was. She then told them to tell it they’re sorry. Now even though they said they were sorry, and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all the scars they left behind. Those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when a child bullies another child--they may say they’re sorry but the scars are there forever. The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her the message hit home.

Author Unknown

Judith Herman/ Trauma and Recovery

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering...

Smart Sex

According to sociologist Virginia Rutter of Framingham State College, surveys show that educated couples engage in more variety in their sex lives... Educated husbands are also more likely to help with housework, which turns out to be a potent aphrodisiac. Psychologist John Gottman, professor emeritus at the University of Washington in Seattle, found that when men do more housework, their wives are more likely to be "in the mood" for sex...

Studies have shown that men whose attitudes become more egalitarian during their marriage report higher marital satisfaction, and so do their wives; they also have better sex lives and more socially aware children...

William M Struthers: Wired for Intimacy

Our culture twists men's understanding of masculinity, trapping them and restricting them to an unhealthy and corrupt understanding of their sexuality. It limits the options they have to express their human and masculine nature. These factors contribute to pornography's ability to hijack a man's mental world and direct him towards thoughts and actions that lead him away from holiness.

Pamela Paul

Pornography thus creates deception and distrust in relationships. Most women have no idea how often their boyfriends and husbands look at pornography because the men do not tell them. Usually, the deception is deliberate, though many men deny to themselves how often they look at it, and most simply don’t think about quantifying the amount they view. While men consider trust crucial for a healthy relationship, they seem willing to flout that trust when it comes to pornography—deceiving their significant others into thinking they’re either not looking at it at all or are looking at it less frequently. Fitting pornography into one’s life isn’t always easy.

www.socialcostsofpornography.org/Paul_How_Porn_Became_the_Norm.pdf

Benefits of Authentic Sexual Relating

If authentic sexual relating were to be embraced as a broader social goal, imagine the benefits to our communities. Our media might offer tangible images of authentic intimacy, rather than the current focus on exploitive sex. If the skills required for authentic relating were the norm, we would reduce the likelihood that sexual energy would get channeled in destructive, violent, abusive ways. Similarly, the increased honesty in communication and respect for the body would decrease the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. All of these are sex-positive benefits, rather than a lapse into the repression of a more puritanical era.

If sex is truly like water, it is both life-sustaining and a source of tremendous energy. As a society, we are willing to plan for the quality and uses of our water. If we allow sexual energy to go undirected, we are opening the floodgates to sexual abuse and harm. We can only benefit by channeling this natural energy to positive, life-affirming purposes.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD

In apaperinComprehensive Psychiatry, researchers explored whether NPD should even be considered a disorder since the people who have it, by definition, think so highly of themselves. The authors conclude it is a pathological condition but one that uniquely causes "pain and duress" not to the sufferers but to those closest to them. Psychologist Allan N. Schore, an associate clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA says NPD can be summed up as, "Contempt of other people and their emotions." People with NPD are convinced there is nothing wrong with them; it's everyone around them who is impossible or crazy. There's some truth to their perception because often the spouse and children of the narcissist have been driven mad by their cruelty, disparagement, rages, and vindictiveness.

http://www.slate.com/id/2213740/pagenum/all/

T.S. Eliot

Half the harm that is done in this worldIs due to people who want to feel importantThey don't mean to do harm ­But the harm does not interest them.Or they do not see it, or they justify itBecause they are absorbed in the endless struggleTo think well of themselves.

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I see the problems with pornography – but what can I do about it?

Here are just a few ideas:

Refuse to give in and accept the pornography industry and their portrayals of women, children and people of color

Speak out against the sexism and racism found in the images

Use blogs, books, poetry, websites, songs, social gatherings to bring awareness to the harm of pornography

Ask critical questions about porngraphy’s effects on women and men, girls and boys

Refuse to back down when pornography supporters call us prudes

Demand changed behavior from men

Strategize about possible uses of public policy to address the harms of pornography

Organize a community against “gentleman’s” clubs and bookstores

Protest businesses that support the proliferation of pornography

www.stoppornculture.org

Jackson Katz/The Macho Paradox, why some men hurt women and how all men can help

"Victim-blaming is popular for many reasons. In this case the passive voice-intentionally or not-deflects attention off men at the same time that it helps keep the focus on women. This, in turn, reinforces the idea that "violence against women" is exclusively a women's issue, which gets us back to the original problem: men's central role is either overlooked or rendered invisible."

"The phrase "violence against women" itself contributes to this dynamic. It is so common and influential that relatively few people ever pause to contemplate what is wrong with it. But "violence against women" is a passive phrase. It contains no active agent. It is like saying "shit happens". No one makes it happen, at least no one we can identify from the available evidence. It is just something that unfortunately occurs. If you insert the active agent -men- a new phrase emerges: Men's violence against women. It doesn't roll off the tongue as easily, but it is far more accurate and honest."