Recap: ‘Dancing with the Stars’ sends home its first celebrity

It’s the first elimination of the season on “DWTS.” D-list celebrity to be determined shortly, we hardly knew ye. We kick things off with a group dance to Lady Gaga’s “The Edge of Glory,” though “kick things off” may be the wrong word choice, because someone miscues the music and the dancers are left to grind in silence for a moment. Ah, the fun of live shows, everybody!

Tom Bergeron quickly cuts to the chase, perhaps to distract us from the big misstep with the music. We’re given the usual montage of special moments from the night before, then informed of the fates of our celebrities. Ricki, Elisabetta and Rob are the first three on the block The first one safe is Ricki, which means it’s between Elisabetta and Rob. Elisabetta is coming back, but Rob is on the block. This is only less shocking than conflict between Democrats and Republicans. But Elisabetta is so grateful that, even though no one knows who she is, she still got more votes than Rob Kardashian (or maybe not — as we’re so often reminded, being in the bottom three doesn’t mean you were REALLY in the bottom three).

Now it’s time for all the stars to reveal what they think of their competition. Hmm, let me guess… they like one another? Ron Artest wants Nancy Grace to be his hype woman at a club. J.R. Martinez thinks Hope Solo is pretty. Rob Kardashian gave Chynna Phillips his A game because she’s a hot “older woman.” I get it, everyone loves everyone. Big, fake air kisses all around!

Harry Connick Jr. performs “On A Clear Day,” and this has to be one of those rare times when the musical guest makes perfect sense for ballroom dancing. Tony and Kym dance, and afterwards Tom asks Harry who he’s rooting for. Amazingly, Harry doesn’t sidestep the question and says he is pulling for J.R. plus he’s feeling the Chaz vibe. Tom thinks that would be a good bumper sticker, and I’m sure right now someone at GLAAD is making T-shirts.

The next stars up are Hope Solo, Kristin Cavallari and Ron Artest (Metta). Well, I’m thinking Ron’s in trouble. Hope is safe, Kristin is safe and Ron (Metta) is not, so no shockers here.

We meet the DWTS dance troupe. They are all very fit and very talented and not very interesting. They are, of course, more interesting when they perform. It’s a hot, sexy routine and definitely impressive. Is it impressive enough for me to want “DWTS” results to go for a full hour when this is, at most, a half hour show? Well, no, but there isn’t much they could air that would make the pulling off of this Band-Aid more palatable.

But wait! LMFAO performs “Party Rock Anthem,” and even though they’ve been on every TV show that’s not public access performing this song, it’s still fun. You just have to love a group in which one if the guys wears a box on his head. Of course, whenever I hear this song I think about the little dancing Kia hamsters. Not that that’s a bad thing. I do love that commercial. Carrie Ann and Bruno (sans shirt) are on top of the judges’ table, bumping and grinding. It really must be the song of summer! So what if it’s September!

Next we have J.R., Chynna and Chaz. I’m a little sad thinking any of these three dancers are on the bottom. Chynna is safe, J.R. is safe, and that leaves Chaz. He’s safe, too. Group hug!

Brooke talks to the final three backstage. Nancy Grace’s twins were so excited they wouldn’t stop dancing. Coco, David’s daughter, was also excited and wanted to rush home and watch the show she’d just seen on television, which of course makes everything more real. Carson doesn’t have a kid, so he can’t contribute to the heartwarming fuzziness.

The next couple safe is David and Kym. Nancy and Tristan are in jeopardy. Carson and Anna are safe. Yeah, I would not be surprised if Nancy went home this week or next. She doesn’t seem to be having a lot of fun. Maybe if they let her swing a gavel or something.

The final three! The next couple safe is… Rob and Cheryl. Color me shocked. I thought for sure he was going home.

Tom asks Len to weigh in on the final two. Len is sad to see anyone go, and who knows, in another week anything could have happened! Really? I’m pretty sure neither Nancy and Ron (Metta) were not going to set the world on fire with their dancing anytime soon. The couple leaving RIGHT NOW is… Metta and Peta. Really? I mean, yes, he was terrible, but athletes tend to last a little longer than the first week.

Not that it matters. Metta (Ron) seems pretty happy to be getting the ax. Tom is mourning the many antics he’ll be missing now that Ron’s gone. Ron is practically skipping for the door. Hey, he can tell his kid he did as he was instructed and now he’s off the hook, I’m pretty sure he’s fine with this. At least there will be no tears the first week!

Do you think Ron (Metta) deserved to go? Who do you think will be out next? Were you surprised by any of the results?