The Vacuous Personality Inventory Test

Naked Mole Rat

You are the NAKED MOLE RAT. You're either going to be a drone, or you're going to spend a lot of time whelping pups-- no in between for you. Also, when you're naked, you're really naked. Kinda disquietingly so.

SEEK: modesty. For God's sake, go put some clothes on. AVOID: termites. They're better at the whole eusocial thing than you are, and they have a cruel sense of humor.

All possible test results

You are the CURIOUS BLOODSTAIN. Nobody knows where the hell you came from-- and they're ignoring you because they're afraid to find out how you got there. Also, you don't go with the couch AT ALL... Read more

You are the CUCKOO'S NESTMATE. The bird next to you pretending to be your brother is getting all the food, and you're about to be squashed.
SEEK: to get the hell away from those charming fr... Read more

You are MEANINGLESS ADVICE. You are the I Ching hexagram with all the lines moving and half the pages gone from the book. You are the answer "Soda water will get that out" to the question of "Wha... Read more

You are THE SECOND FROM THE LEFT. Someday, someone is going to hand someone else a photograph, and say, "Notice anything?" There will be noncomprehension until he says, "Second from the left"-- a... Read more

You are QUIET HORROR. Inasmuch as you have a personality at all, you're the one watching the boa constrictor sliding up their body and vaguely wondering whether being digested is going to hurt wor... Read more

You are the ICEBERG HIDDEN IN THE FOG. Disaster waiting to strike-- no way to know when or how. Still, note that while some icebergs do occasionally sink ships dramatically, it is the fate of all... Read more

You are the INCOMPLETE TAROT DECK. Specifically, you're missing two of the Major Arcana and four or five Cups, including the Ace and Queen. You are capable of astounding insights that happen to b... Read more

You are the DEAD HOUSEPLANT. Force-grown, bought on a whim in a vague attempt to make the place nicer, and then either ignored, poisoned, or starved to death by the darkness of the room. To add i... Read more

You are the MISTUNED TELEVISION. Nothing but static and the faint echo of a game show in a language nobody understands. God is trying to speak through you, but your rabbit ears done gone deef./p... Read more

You are BURNED OUT. Inasmuch as you have any personality at all, it's totally irrelevant-- your affect is as flat as a strap in Kansas. (Although it's possible that you're still in the smoking an... Read more

You are the ZOMBIE FLAMINGO. Brightly colored, sinister, spectacular, and absolutely no threat whatsoever to anything. Not even to the brine shrimp that are flamingos' usual diet-- your digestive... Read more

You are the NURSE SHARK. Inasmuch as you have a personality at all, your big claim to fame is you're closely RELATED to some very dangerous and interesting personality types. For instance, nurse ... Read more

You are the PAPER CUP. As far as this test can tell, you have no personality whatsoever. (And when something called "The Vacuous Personality Inventory" tells you even IT thinks there's nobody hom... Read more

You are the LAMPREY. Inasmuch as you have a personality at all, it's limited to a set of dietary preferences. The reason people seem to ignore what you say so often is they can't make you out-- Y... Read more

You are the PYROCLASTIC FLOW. You are a giant flaming ball of hot ash and superheated air flooding down the side of the volcano. Unfortunately, you're not a particularly LARGE pyroclastic flow-- ... Read more

You are CASSANDRA. You know something bad is coming, you can even give details-- but nobody listens to you. I think you already suspect the reason why.
You probably DO have a personality o... Read more

You are the SPHINX. No, not the mighty riddle-asking beast of mythology-- the mutant hairless breed of cat. All you want to do is cuddle-- with anything, really, because your hosed genome has lef... Read more

You are FUTILITY. Even if you manage to bring your plans to fruition, the actual result is going to be something totally random. Still, might as well try-- perhaps you'll serve as a good b... Read more

You are the COLEOCANTH. Everybody remembers that there's some reason or another you're important, but nobody can recall what it is-- and so they figure it must not have been THAT critical.
... Read more

You are the SPECTRAL CLASS M MAIN SEQUENCE STAR. That's right! You're a star! And no, you're not unstable or a dwarf star or anything else ego-shattering like that-- you're in the main sequence!... Read more

You are the SWAMP ISLAND. Kind of like a desert island, but with rain and plenty of springs. Basically, you're a glob of mud sitting in the middle of the ocean. (The reason you have such a low l... Read more

You are PANIC!!1! Inasmuch as you have a personality at all, it's totally submerged-- you're too busy running full-tilt into walls and trying to put out forest fires with a squirtgun. (On the oth... Read more

You are the LONE FREEWAY SHOE. Nobody can figure out why you're sitting there all alone, how you got there, or how to go about finding your mate. Oh, and you're fading in the sun. When it rains,... Read more

You are the BAD TATTOO. Seemed like a good idea at the time...
Unfortunately, in its current state of development, this test cannot distinguish between the two forms of Bad Tattoo: the DRAG... Read more

You are the ILLEGIBLE WARNING. You are the yellow road sign reading SKORF over an icon of a bongo drum. You are shreds of the label left on the vial that read "Do not take with ta--". You are th... Read more