MOBILE, Ala. -- Men in evening gowns. Women in white tie and tails. Mobile’s naughtiest politicians and most ridiculous social foibles simmering in a salty satirical stew.

And that was just the first five minutes.

The Order of Osiris Ball is like watching a head-on collision between the Comic Cowboys and a “Glee” marathon.

The faithful subjects of King Antony XXIX and Queen Michelle XXIX gathered Friday night at the Mobile Civic Center Arena for the 30th convocation of Mobile’s most fabulous mystic society, and the one most qualified to tell you which tie goes with which dress shirt.

Floral Headpiece, the Observer’s ever-proper social secretary, had gone out of her way to prepare her boys for their evening out at this special venue.

“Now promise you won’t embarrass me,” she kept saying. “You’re both so phobic at times.”

Osiris has its own ways. Instead of the usual 9 p.m. start, guests arrive at 7:30. By 9, the doors close, and they aren’t kidding.

Things started with a sublime and respectful rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” — better than what Super Bowl fans got.

Osiris has its parade inside, if you will, and the royal couple took several turns around the arena floor in their royal carriage. Past royalty got a gracious nod as well.

A young thing named Sweet Pea undulated the crowd into a state of near euphoria, but they’d already been warmed up by semi-clothed exotic dancers spread about like living sculptures.

The Observer got pulled into a gaggle of young men waiting in a bar line, who were listening to one of their own complain about what he’d been put through by his date.

“I had to walk all the way back to the hotel to get her shoes!” he groused in a good-mannered way. “My feet are killing me, and now I can’t find her!”

Wearing just the right accessory is important to this krewe. Happily, the couple was eventually reunited, and one presumes that his efforts were rewarded.

On the dance floor of the arena, the Order of Osiris had a radical robotic boom camera catching all the action and transmitting it to oversized video screens above.

“It’s the only way for everyone to see what’s happening,” a young lady remarked to the Observer in yet another bar line. “I go to a lot of Mardi Gras balls, and to me, this one is like going to a Broadway show.”

As for the topics covered, there was the Spanking Judge, of course. There was commentary about wayward priests and wild, wild women. The emblems Osiris, Isis and Horus got their due diligence, of course.

The Observer’s very first Mellow Moon Pie Award must go to the redhead in the green dress and the silver pumps who was the toast of her table, sitting on one lap and then another as the tableau unfolded.

Kudos must also be given to whoever thought of decorating each table with red charger plates, candelabra and red napkins.

The Observer also believes, based on unscientific but thorough sampling, that Osiris is the most successfully integrated Mardi Gras group in Mobile.

At some point, the Observer announced that he’d had all the fabulosity he could stand and forced Dark Hallway to drive them back to the helipad for the short flight to Goat Island.

(Coming Tuesday: A first-time visit with La Luna Servanté. Editor’s note: The Press-Register holds exclusive global rights to reportage of the Masked Observer, a mysterious denizen of the Leisure Class who covers the local Mardi Gras scene. To contact the Mysterious One: observer@press-register.com.)