In Texas there’a a lady politicianWho says it’s time for men to be more chasteWe should punish them for wasting an emissionGod did not intend their sperm to go to waste.

Yes, there really is such a proposal in the Texas legislature – intended as a satire on the anti-abortionists who dominate Texas politics. The bill imposes a $100 fine for any “masturbatory emissions” not deposited directly into a woman or properly stored for future use. And yes, it really did produce a non-satirical response from an anti-abortion Texas legislator who insisted the bill shows “a basic lack of understanding of human biology.” Which provoked a persuasive fiscal promise:

In addition to its moral acclamationThere’s an even more persuasive reason yetIf men had to pay a fine for masturbationWe’d be able to retire the nation’s debt

Posted on Monday, March 27, 2017 (Archive on Sunday, December 22, 2019)