Rob Across America

Five States’ Drive

2 May 2008

Florence, KY—

My windshield gathered an impressive collection of insects today, arthropodal inhabitants of the five states through which Google Maps sent me (Maryland, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky). An apocalyptic downpour washed them all away, which would surely have made an anthropomorphized version of my windshield quite happy or quite sad, depending on whether or not it was the collector type.

Hopefully the good people of Florence, KY (Florentines?) will not be offended that I spent my one Friday night here in a hotel room catching up on e-mail and relaxing a bit rather than enjoying its nonexistent social and cultural scenes. Nearby Cincinnati, which surely has a lot more to offer, was likewise snubbed. These places and the people and things within them are not what I’m here to see. What I am here to see will be revealed tomorrow. In the meantime, here are some things I learned during my nine hours on the road today.

Aside from not knowing how to play guitar, I would have made a more than adequate replacement for Justin Hawkins when he left The Darkness. Well, okay, I already knew that one.

Despite the fact that the i stands for interstate, West Virginia seems to think it has I-70 all to itself, stuttering the chronology of mile markers and exit numbers to suit local travelers. That’s how people miss the exit for the Toy and Train Museum, people.

Just as it was six years ago when I last did it, Ohio is an incredibly boring state to drive through. Luckily, some of the farmers realized this and put up some huge signs to entertain passing motorists with fun messages like, “IF YOU DIED TODAY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WOULD GO?” followed by, “HELL IS REAL.”

According to my admittedly shallow research, Cincinnati’s Ascent has not caused any car accidents. I certainly wasn’t looking at the road as I passed it.

This region is home to a fairly widespread chain of Italian fast food restaurants called Fazoli’s. Their slogan is “Fast. Fresh. Italian.” That’s really only half true (1+0+½), but when dining options are limited to a sea of strip malls, one can do worse with his six bucks. Besides, I found an awesome note on the floor of the restaurant, which is what I’ll leave you with (full names truncated to protect the innocent):

Hey Kates!

Ok so I am seriously like what the heck?! So after world civ I was talking to Ross and this senior Lindsey was like Ross I saw Megan hugging another guy this morning. Maybe you should break up with her for me??!! I think she noticed the look on my face cuz then she was like uh just kidding!

I WAS NOT HAPPY. She annoys me ugh.

Well I hope you are having fun in biology uh… latin maybe?! lol well I love you :)