Friday, April 05, 2013

In case you haven’t noticed, I wrote a ton of words this week which means that I have earned a relaxing Friday post. I don’t make the rules around here, I just run the show (or something). Anyway, while we all hold our breath for the announcement of when Drew poops solid again, here are a few topics to get us through the day. By the way, I did a very lazy Facebook/google search on Richie Earl. Results were inconclusive. Also, Iceman and Wheelz Save The Date came the other day. It might be the best thing I've ever received in the mail. Well done, dumbass.

*Braxton Miller is a douche bag – You may have never heard of Braxton Miller before Damman and Dut introduced him to the world 8 months ago, but I can assure you that he exists. He is the quarterback of the Ohio Buckeyes and is an avid fan of unnecessary ambulance rides. Anyway, if you look above you can see his new hair style. It is the worst. If there is one person that you should avoid looking like, the Honey Badger might be it. It’s cool though because…

*Noah Spence gives no fucks – The worst part about living here is everyone blowing every little Ohio Football-related story out of proportion. Apparently, during Spring Practice on Tuesday afternoon, the sophomore DE decided to bury the “RB with a decent arm” in the ribs on a play even though Miller was wearing a black no-contact jersey. What I can deduce from this minor situation is:
a. Spence is color blind
b. Spence literally has no idea what his teammates look like
c. Spence has never participated in a football practice before
d. Spence is mentally retarded as every Noah that I've met have been
e. Kenny Guiton put a hit out on the guy taking his snaps
f. Spence hates Miller’s fucking hair
g. All of these

I don’t know if there are any other details behind this story and I don’t care (because it is stupid) but if the Ohio Buckeyes are cool with taking cheap shots at each other, I am 100% fine with that. Let’s give those ambulances a reason to be there! And if you think that it's time for me to drop the ambulance "jokes" (which seems like something that someone would say), I will never do such a thing. Speaking of dirtbag programs…

*Auburn is LOL – Apparently, this is the next program to have the microscope put on it after allegations leaked this week (from a criminal!) that the university changed grades to keep guys eligible, paid players to stay in school, and pretty much every other thing that you believe SEC teams do. Whatever, the NCAA will likely fuck this up and nothing will come of this. If they couldn’t nail the Newton family, I’m not sure how they’re going to do better with a highly questionable character witness as the only source of this info. WAR EAGLE!

*Final Four! – Thoughts? I think we all agree that the Cards should take care of the Shockers early but the late game is not as easy to predict. Michigan does match up fairly well against that zone but that zone has been bananas recently. Dick Nose is a way better coach than the corpse fucker. I think I picked Syracuse by 3 in The Nut but I am terrible at that so WE ON will probably win by 40. Fuck that, ROLL DAMN ORANGE! Let's get an all Big East championship game so that we can remind Ice that he has cockbreath and that that conference is ELITE and not OVERRATED!

Yeah, it's probably not all that rare to have a drill or two where ones go up against ones. At Auburn, the winning unit gets A's and the losers gets D's.

I just know that even at NHS, no one was allowed to touch Big Rex and everyone knew it. Good luck trying to get to him if you were lined up across from me. It makes me think that Spence is The Torg's son or something because that is really dumb.

Noella "Knepper" Spence is BradyCakes special man. There's a pretty hot Naptown reference for you. He hasn't stopped mouth farting about this guy since he arrived in Columbus. I'm sure he'll be terrible since most guys Cakes raves about are. Maybe Ohio should see what known head hunter Richie Earl is up to. He could be the college version of Chuck Cecil.

I insisted Wheelz put the picture on the left on the save the dates as a not so subtle warning to people thinking about getting married. That's what all the attic nagging and terrible DVR'ed shows will eventually bring you to do. For those who haven't seen it, it's either in the mail or you never gave me your address after I asked 10 times.

You didn't think I would go the whole day without reminding the world that Trey Burke SICK did you, G$? Trey Burke national player of the year is more like it. One step closer to Burke taking Kyrie Irving's starting job. G$'s boyfriend Luol LOLadipo finished 3rd with 10 whole votes. Good call Aguado.

Those players that said that stuff about auburn are already taking back their comments. Nothing will come out of this because there is no evidence other than what they said. From what we've seen in the past, auburn is good at covering stuff up.

Noah spence will be my breakout player of 2013. Apparently he's been unblockable.

I still don't understand all the grief with picking Braxton miller as a breakout player last year. He had a terrible season in 2011. Maybe you should change the question next year.

Natinwide gave away free tickets to employees for Tuesdays game. This is awesome for me, but is pathetic at the same time. Does this franchise really have to give away 6000 lower bowl tickets during a playoff race!? CBJ fans are on par with windians fans.

I brought you in as an "expert". That week gives you a chance to flex your chops when it comes to being a smart football fan. You are not that when you pick the QB on your team that everyone already knows about.

That was directed at Dut. You were a minute fast. You should never go to games, 1-1 doesn't get playoff berths.

Considering our next three are against STL, Minnesota and San Jose (that free game, apparently), we will need all the help we can get. I believe GSaul is undefeated at games attended, so let's chip in and get him to all of those games.

Grump, Courtney Vincent, we knew him as CV, was big ass black LB for Clemson when I was there who liked to dabble in the coke trade and would pull all nighters and go to morning lifts all coked up. I saw him at a few partys. He once told me how he would drive down to Miami once a month to pick up that "good cuban yayo.". He was a psycho and was not on the football team for very long surprisingly.

I agree that Braxtons hair may be the worst thing of all time. I would've loved to be a fly on the wall when he looked in mirror and went "yeah, this is the look I'm going for". As long as he runs roughshod over the Big Ten again, I don't really care though.

There is a reason I have been raving about Noah Spence, Ice. HE SICK! He may not be all that smart but, HE SICK! Can't wait to see Hokamania try and draw up plays in the dirt trying to stop him.

Michigan loses by double digits to the ORANGE. The lights are too bright for them this weekend.

Brett Myers can go ahead and die now. What the fuck was that last night? Good thing Antonetti and Tito thought he was a good #3 after not starting games for over a year. Kazmir also heading to the DL before throwing a pitch that matters. This rotation is going to give me a heart attack before May. At least we get to check out Trevor Bauer tomorrow.

I know this next statement isn't going to go over well but fuck it. My wife has been buying skim milk for us the last five years and I think I actually prefer it now. Keep in mind this is coming from someone who main-lined whole/2% for my entire life.

I only drink whole milk by choice. We had a steady supply of whole and 2% growing up (parents solution to that disagreement). Kept the tradition going ever since. I don't consume a whole lot of milk, so when I do drink it, I want the full effect.