Male Rape Survivors and Victim-Blaming

James A. Landrith addresses toxic myths about male rape survivors.

There is a lot of talk about victim-blaming, shaming and denial whenever the topic of rape, sexual assault or sexual abuse is discussed. No gender identification or age demographic is free from this mindset. Quite often, people don’t even realize that they are engaging in such practices. Some MRAs do it. Some feminists do it. Some human rights activists do it. Some Christians do it. Some Jews do it. Some Muslims do it. Some atheists do it. Some agnostics do it. Some Republicans do it. Some Democrats do it. Some Libertarians do it.

While there is understandably a good deal of discussion surrounding how victim-blaming affects female rape survivors, many people are quick to dismiss the same when it affects male rape survivors. In some cases, well-meaning people will go so far as to co-opt the traumas of one gender to highlight a point about another gender in a very dismissive or minimizing manner. Periodically, a blogger will post a commentary that runs something to the effect of “see, when it happens to teh menz, it is always taken seriously, but never when it happens to women.” While I understand such pieces are meant to highlight the horrible nature of victim-blaming toward female rape survivors, the end result is that they have used a traumatic experience from one rape survivor to make the case that other rape survivors have it worse based solely on gender.

Rather than call out specific people who engage in such insensitive and hurtful practices, I will instead take some time to explore some key forms of victim-blaming that are often aimed at men. Please bear in mind that most of these have a parallel form that is directed at female rape survivors. I am not saying that only men deal with these forms of victim-blaming. Not at all. On the contrary, and unlike many who co-opt our experiences to make the false claim that only women suffer victim-blaming, I am saying such vile practices are ALSO directed at men, not SOLELY at men.

Men Can’t Be Raped: This one is used by the densest of the dense without regard to gender. I’ve seen men AND women spout this nugget of wisdom on more than one occasion. Even if we take the most conservative estimates at face value, in the U.S. alone, that leaves nearly 3 MILLION male rape survivors.

Erections = Consent aka can’t rape a wet noodle: Anyone spouting this nonsense clearly failed biology. Erections can be forced quite easily and unexpectedly. Many men can attest to embarrassing incidents that involved the appearance of an unwanted erection. A simple touch can result in involuntary stimulation. While some men may have difficulty maintaining an erection after consuming several alcoholic drinks, this is hardly universal. Further, most healthy men experience erections while asleep and often upon waking up.

Contrary to the science and personal experiences of many male rape survivors, there are plenty of people who simply cannot grasp the concept of an involuntary erection. It is almost understandable that SO MANY women believe this nonsense to the degree that some will outright mock male survivors with this myth. They don’t have penises and as a result, this must all seem so simple in their heads. Really, I understand that. However, there are also a large number of morons who have no clue how their own penises work and just LOVE to broadcast that ignorance when they come across stories about male rape survivors. (sigh)Men are Strong, aka He Should Have Fought Back: This one is actually quite common. While men are not asked what they were wearing, their physical strength and perceived ability to fight back are frequently used to invalidate. There is a ridiculous assumption that all men have the mad martial arts skills of Bruce Lee, tenacity of Charles Bronson in a Death Wish movie, and incredible calm of Clint Eastwood portraying Dirty Harry. Apparently, we are trained in hand-to-hand combat, weapons mastery, and How To Be Macho from birth. In reality, it is quite common for women AND men to freeze during a violent encounter. Quite often, the encounter is over without a single blow placed. Further, predators are skilled at finding ways to either nullify a person’s strengths or use them against their victim. My own rapist was very skilled in this regard.A man raped him? He must have wanted it: This form of victim blaming is one part homophobia and one part He Should Have Fought Back. Men can overpower other men and do so regularly in physical altercations or by simply communicating a threat. Weapons are also used, as are threats against loved ones, blackmail and drugs or alcohol. The idea that all men can fight off all other men at all times defies logic and credulity. It is incredibly difficult to take a person seriously if they really believe this specious nonsense.

Women don’t commit sexual violence: While the stats most often quoted show extremely low numbers of female predation, the reality differs. Quite often the same act committed by a female as by a male is counted separately or not included in official tabulations at all depending on the statistical model. These models, with all of their obvious built-in bias, are then parroted around as if they are apples to apples comparisons of male and female predation. As such biases and outright distortions are often used to eliminate them from from data sets or intentionally isolate such data in lesser or hidden categories, we have no real idea of just how many female predators exist today. For those who believe this myth, perhaps it will be eye-opening to realize that you are reading an article written by a man who was drugged and raped by a woman. We exist and it is time for those truly interested in confronting sexual violence to stop promoting this ugly myth.Why did you wait so long to report?: When I first told my story online, I was asked repeatedly why I waited so long to disclose and told breathlessly that it meant I was obviously lying. Those asking such questions, believed it to be some unassailable “gotcha”. When pressed to justify how that invalidated a person’s claims of victimization, they predictably could not defend the concept. Lack of logic and an inability to explain the relevance of their myth seems to matter none to those bent on victim-blaming and rape denial. Many survivors wait decades to confront their traumas as they were not ready at the time, had no support or lacked the ability to confront it. We all heal on our own timeframes. You can’t put a deadline on healing and expect it to occur magically.

You must be in it for the money: This ugliness was used against survivors of clergy abuse as well as against some women who named high profile men as their attackers. Were it not for the hard work of SNAP and other organizations who have kept pushing against predators of the cloth, this type of victim-blaming would stilll be occurring regularly to male survivors.

A New Perspective

Whenever the topic of sexual violence arises, it seldom takes long for the victim blaming, second guessing and concern trolls to show their wildly transparent hands. What a person who has not been confronted with trauma feels they would do in response to sexual violence is hardly evidence of anything other than their own arrogant ignorance. It is time to reject the excuses, “I wouldas” and apologia. Along with that, we need to scrap this insidious new meme that male survivors of sexual violence do not get victim-blamed. For those of us who have been on the receiving end, the truth is something else entirely. This is not a case of “What About Teh Menz” or whatever other sexist expression comes to mind, but an appeal to people to behave in a humane manner and refrain from further promotion of rape myths regarding male survivors.

Leave a Reply

It wasn’t until 2013 that I came to terms with my identity troubles, and began to identify as female, but back when I was still presenting as male, I was sexually assaulted twice. Both times by two girls, that’s four different attackers. At 6’4″ and overweight, do you think I could’ve reported that? Not a chance. I would’ve been laughed at. In fact I still do get laughed at by my own mother when I bring it up. I’m so sick of male vicitms of rape always being ignored, of discussions of rape always presuming the myth that it’s automatically… Read more »

I was raped by a black woman in college who was SUPPOSED to be a mental heath advocate. She learned that when I was 14 I was accused of rape, even though the charges were dropped eventually because I was 800 miles away when the supposed crime happened. However during the time I was being held for my ‘crime’ I was admitted to a psych ward, where one of the nurses used a rubber band to mutilate my genitals, causing permanent scars ane eventually for a section of my penis to be removed to allow me to pass urine without… Read more »

An excellent and intellectual commentary on a crime that even now remains taboo because of social edicts that men are not and cannot be victimized. Those who have been victimized understand all to well the numbing terror of victimization, and it is unlikely that our criminal justice system will encourage male victims to come forward with the same urgency it gives to female victims. Thank you for the piece.

well i personally believe you but i have something for you the writter
it is that the writter should have absolutely no sense of guilt on him
and should consider himself pure
since in my religion the one who does have to pay the price not the one who has been pursuaded
its islam

This list is great but I feel I need to correct something. Since I developed a bit of a compulsive habit of revealing I was a male rape survivor online (I basically destroyed my whole semester looking for new places to write it and failed everything) I find victim-blaming ass hats DO demand to know what I was wearing. So it can happen.

I thought this was an important and well-written article. What saddens me is the number of commenters who disregarded the substance of the article and went off on their own personal rants about false memory and false accusations. If you have these concerns, write your own damn article. This article was about the very important issue of the shaming and invisibility of male rape survivors. I think the author’s points were proven in the comments section: people are so uncomfortable with the reality of male rape survivors that they attempted to erase the subject of the article in their comments.… Read more »

[…] of men. Men are less likely than women to be raped, yes, but it’s not that rare. Men also face unique barriers in admitting and prosecuting sexual assault–from the perception that they “can’t” be raped to the victim-blamey belief that they ought […]

[…] of men. Men are less likely than women to be raped, yes, but it’s not that rare. Men also face unique barriers in admitting and prosecuting sexual assault–from the perception that they “can’t” be raped to the victim-blamey belief that they ought […]

[…] men. Men are less likely than women to be raped, yes, but it’s not that rare. Men also face unique barriers in admitting and prosecuting sexual assault–from the perception that they “can’t” be raped to the victim-blamey belief […]

“While the stats most often quoted show extremely low numbers of female predation, the reality differs” No, it doesn’t. Women can rape men but it is extremely rare. Only 4% of registered sex offenders are female. 96% are male. Ask the justice department. Under-reporting can’t account for such a huge gap. You are biased because of your own experience. You just don’t want to admit the truth. “Were it not for the hard work of SNAP and other organizations who have kept pushing against predators of the cloth, this type of victim-blaming would stilll be occurring regularly to male survivors.”… Read more »

Oh really? in a one year period 40% of rapists were female as per the CDC statistics. The majority of rape men face is perpetrated by female perpetrators. You can find this info if you look in the CDC NISVS 2010 full report, however they call “forced to penetrate” as other sexual violence and not rape (a stupid bias). Just because the justice department (well known to be biased against men) doesn’t get many female sex offenders doesn’t mean they exist, a lot do not report their abuse. In a one year period equal numbers of men n women were… Read more »

X (or whoever you are since you’ve posted here under multiple aliases and email addresses), With regard to your inaccurate use of the word “rare” (which has a defined meaning with regard to statistical analysis), Archy has done a good job of answering those comments. With the regard to your claim that I stated only male rape survivors are accused of lying – you are flat-out LYING. No where in my article did I make any such claim. This article is ABOUT MALE SURVIVORS, not FEMALE SURVIVORS. I was talking about what MALE SURVIVORS experience, not what FEMALE SURVIVORS experience… Read more »

When it comes to believing victims of rape, they should always be believed when receiving victim’s services. They can’t victimize anyone else directly although you might make an argument about the waste of resources, it would be far worse to deny an actual victim of rape victim’s services than it would be to provide counseling for someone who (in theory) doesn’t need it. During the initial phase of a criminal complaint, victims should also be believed. If police don’t initially believe the victim by default, how can they honestly investigate the allegation? If they find inconsistencies or outright fabrications, they… Read more »

Lately Feministe ran a piece about raping men (like, a woman having sex with a sleeping man is not actually rape). http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2012/09/19/is-it-rape-if-you-dont-mean-for-it-to-be-rape/#comment-527744 Have a look what Amanda Marcotte wrote about this : “It’s…..possible that he was asleep. The likelier possibility is he was awake the whole time and lying about it in order to screw with her sense of reality. Additionally, he can make her feel both guilty and humiliated, putting him in a Position of power over her. Gas lighting is the likelier explanation. Yes, it’s a weird, elaborate mind fuck, but hey, it’s not weirder than the guy… Read more »

Well Wirbelwind – I am still amazed at Ms Amanda Marcotte and her ongoing conduct. To Paraphrase:”Can’t a few women rape their boyfriends anymore without Amanda Marcotte getting all wound up about it – reinventing reality and making it all the man’s fault – or worse?” 1) Amanda Marcotte decides what is reality – to fit her agenda, 2) Amanda Marcotte tells a woman who says she raped her boyfriend that she did not and is evidently mistaken …. Amanda Marcotte and her Mystical Crystal Balling Blog can see the truth and you had better believe it! 3) Amanda Marcotte… Read more »

In my opinion, Amanda Marcotte is a figure of divisiveness and discord by her own design more than by consequence. Building consensus takes effort and patience, and often it means conceding something to someone who you don’t even like. But friction generates friction, and that’s energy; energy gets noticed, not consensus. If Marcotte were a bit more introspective, she might realize how she often comes off as a biased, self-righteous ideologue to others outside her clique. Marcotte is all cynicism and scathing condescension, all posturing and sarcasm – more concerned about scoring points than making points. But in the end,… Read more »

Archy Yup it’s Rape – Kidnap – forced detention … and quite a lot more. The Comments on the UK Daily Mail are also very informative! Victim Blaming – Victim Shaming – …. Some examples: “These idiots went voluntarily and they KNEW what they were going to her place for! I’m still laughing at this!” – Raul, T-Town, “Oh stop with the “rape” comments. All she did was “demand” more, not force them. They could have easily walked out of the apartment. A woman cannot rape a man, no matter what PC nonsense wants us to believe.” – Deana, London,… Read more »

Yeah, lot’s of women in that Daily Mail comment section don’t believe that men can’t be raped, mostly because they don’t recognize the double standard. Even when the situation is laid clear out. The short sighted men in that comment section are putting themselves at an increased risk with the attitude they display while the women who can’t believe that men can be raped put others at risk. Some level of awareness that one is capable of doing an act is a necessity in order to avoid doing that act. In essence one could say that nothing but circumstances are… Read more »

I see Slutwalk Mississauga has linked to this article on facebook with the statement… “SlutWalk is gender-inclusive. While we recognize that women are disproportionately affected by sexual violence, it’s important to examine and acknowledge the very particular set of challenges and barriers faced by male victims of sexual violence.” James, maybe we need to add butwomengetitworse tactics to the list, that incessant need for some people to state first and foremost that women get it worse as a tactic to minimize the severity of male sexual violence victimzation. I find it extremely offensive when this happens from organizations and official… Read more »

Archy, Co-sign. And if I might add, Slutwalks have a notorious problems with racism — protestors holding up signs with the N-word, comparing women to them, which leads to the question: what about Black women? Slutwalks are also a class-based protest, something only middle to upper class women can effectively access. (Coincidentally, these women are also White.) Never a care about poor women in their communities, or religious women (i.e. Jews, Muslims, Hindus, and yes, even Christians) in theirs and what they might think. Slutwalk’s privilege is oppressive in that it assumes all women want to reclaim the word “slut”,… Read more »

While the fact that people lie about rape should be discussed I think this article was trying to start a different discussion about men who ~have~ been raped and have been invalidated at every turn. It’s not about people who have ~lied~ about being raped. It’s about men who ~have~. Why is it so difficult to talk about why people blame innocent people who were raped and easier to talk about why there are a portion of people who lie about it? That wasn’t what the article was touching on at all. Actually it never came up because that’s a… Read more »

Let me clarify something here. Even though I have never been raped, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t an important issue for me. My own mother was not only raped, but beaten by her rapists. Yes, that’s right: rapists with an “s” on the end. My mother was raped several times during her life because she was disabled and therefore vulnerable. Her first rape was at 17 (by her best friend’s cousin), resulting in a pregnancy and an illegal abortion. The police never investigated the crimes against my mother because it would have been her word against theirs. Including one… Read more »

Any system can be abused. There will never be a foolproof anything in this world. Rape victims need to be believed, and of course we must always use reason. If people were willing to simply withhold judgment, be supportive, and keep an open mind until they see how situations play out, many of these issues would never arise.

Mrs. Searching, Sorry, but I’m skeptical of utopian-based solutions. How do we resolve he-said she-said cases? How do we withhold judgement — essentially refuse to believe a rape-victim/follow innocent till proven guilty for the accused — and simultaneously be supportive of either or both parties? In either case, one person has been victimized: a victim of rape or a victim of horrendous false allegations. “Wait and see” doesn’t seem sufficient for those involved in the prosecution, defense, and overall work of dealing with these cases. Moreover, as a community we can’t simply “wait and see” because to do so conveys… Read more »

AKA, guilty until proven innocent, with the caveat that the accused can not be proven innocent through the questioning of the alleged victims account. I’m curious, aside from dumb luck (for example being at a bank machine across town, that has a camera, at the very right moment)or recording yourself 24/7 using video surveillance equipment, GPS, etc., How can one prove their innocence regarding an action they never committed? This is a question I’ve always wanted to ask a “a victim should be believed” (and this statement includes false accusers as “victims” remember, as they made an allegation and should… Read more »

I am a woman and a rape victim. Obviously, my opinion isn’t objective. My case didn’t end up in court because there wasn’t enough evidence for a jury to condemn my attackers “beyond all reasonable doubt”. A lot of people would think I deserved what happened to me because of all these rape myths that women and men survivors have to live with. The truth is that very few people lie about rape. Having been through the long and heavy procedure of reporting a rape and the very disagreeable forensic examination, reliving the experience again and again, I do not… Read more »

Helena, The truth is that very few people lie about rape … calling survivors liars doesn’t help and there are a lot of ways of getting at someone other than lying about rape. I’ve been falsely accused of rape. I was 18 and my accuser was 16. We had broken up and she falsely accused me in order to punish me/get me back. Luckily the case did not go all the way to court because I had an alibi and was able to retrieve voicemails which I showed to her attorney as proof that she was lying. But she sticks… Read more »

for every psychotic person making up allegations, there’s many folks, including many men, who say nothing at all. best friend got slipped date rape drug, woke up on the side of the highway in her car, no idea how she was there. I begged her to tell the cops but she wouldn’t… another friend was raped in church by an older kid, again, she didn’t tell anyone, because she felt responsible. After I got raped, the questions [not by cops, by my buddies] I was asked were: -Why didn’t you fight back? -why were you out that late at night?… Read more »

“The truth is that very few people lie about rape. ” You don’t know that. You presume it because it makes you feel better. It is easier to believe men (like the one that raped you) are evil and unwilling to help you, than it is to believe that a large number of women used your pain to try and push their own personal agenda. Fact is, and you even admit it… “This “justice” fails to prosecute 94% of attackers in the UK, where I live, for the reasons you have stated. This isn’t right.” Just to correct, that 94%… Read more »

Okay, my disclaimer is that I am a female survivor of rape. I found this article to be a really well written attempt to discuss some of the issues that face male survivors of rape. I liked how the article at no point implied that what happens to women doesn’t matter or shouldn’t be dealt with but rather took a more helpful approach of trying to talk about a problem that many people just don’t want to talk about. It didn’t talk about whether people lie about being raped or not, it was a tactiful and intelligent article about the… Read more »