Tag: life

January has almost come to end and what a month it has been to bring in the new year. A lot has already happened, and I am just gonne be honest, most of it isn’t good. Let me just share and explain and you will easily understand.

The month started rough, my dad and my stepmom are getting divorced. To me, it was unexpected and disappointing. I won’t go into too much detail about what actually happened between my parents, but I will say that I never expected divorce to come from it. Especially because they have only been together for about 6 years, and in my opinion, that is just too soon for a divorce. While I clearly remember what the divorce between my mom and dad was like, two of my sisters were too young to, and they took it incredibly hard. My half siblings are too young to understand what is going on, which I don’t know if that will be good for them or not, I am hoping it is for the better. It has been incredibly difficult for me, which I wouldn’t have expected. I am away at college, I cannot be there for my dad or siblings

as much as I would like too. It is a lot to take in, and no matter the troubles I have with my stepmom – I never would have wanted this.

About a week later my boss – who I was incredibly close too got fired for something that was not in her control. Without her their it left 3 college kids in charge, all who were in school. I felt like a huge responsibility was put on my shoulders – I am only 19 and a full-time student. All I want is a job that I can manage with school, and while I had a few weeks to figure things out it seemed impossible. Yet I had no idea what else was coming my way – they got rid of the assistant manager position in our district of the company (literally like a week and a half later). Well, I have heard that it was a long time coming, nothing could have been worse for our store. I am basically bossless and I have too much to handle while I am in school. I have contemplated quitting but I can’t afford to just not have a job, and trying to find other jobs with small shifts seems impossible.

I am currently writing this from my dorm room – school started again. As you can see I am seriously overwhelmed. I simply do not want to be here, I have very little keeping me here and with all the stress in my life right now, I would like to move on with my life. Unfortunately, that is all a lot easier said than done.

Overall this month has kinda been a shit show. There really is no other way to put it. I was trying to do yoga for a month straight, I have completely failed that.

I did do a few new fun things. By far the best thing has been thrifting, I find it quite stress relieving and relaxing. I found some good things, but I have also realized I have too many clothes, almost nothing fits in my dorm anymore. So I am trying to limit myself, but I think that just may be easier said than done.

Anyway… That has been my month in review. I pray that February is much better.

Also, I think I will continue to do these little “recaps” not only for content and sharing but so that next year I can look back and reminisce.

This last few days, scratch that, WEEKS have been hotter than any day I experienced this summer. They have been anywhere from 75 to 90 degrees. The real struggle though is not knowing how to dress for the day. This is basically what my daily routine has become:

7am: Cold enough to wear a t-shirt and jeans, maybe a sweatshirt.

7:45am: Walking to class, you start sweating, cause humidity decide to pick up in the last 45 minutes.

7:55am: You’re relieved cause the buildings are much cooler than outside.

8am: You start sweating again, because no part of these building are the same temperature.

9am: You get out of class and head outside to realize it is now 15 degrees hotter than when you first went to class.

PLEASE tell me anyone else has struggled with this. I literally have no idea how to dress for class in the morning so I end up going through like 3 different outfits. If any one has any tips let me know. I would greatly appreciate them, other wise share your stories if you can relate!

When I first got my tattoo or even before I got it I really just wanted something that was pretty and something I liked. Sunflowers just so happen to be my favorite flower and that was good enough for me. I knew that a sunflower reminded me of the sun for the obvious reason and that it made me feel happy. To many a sunflower can mean loyalty, which is something I have a great deal of for my family. My family is the most important thing to me, they come before anything else. It’s the honest reason I chose a school that was only 20 minutes away from home. To know that my support system was only a hop, skip, and jump away. I can still attend family events without it being a hassle to find a way home.

A sunflower can also symbolize adoration, which is something that describes my feeling for my siblings. They are my favorite people to be around, even though the can annoy the crap at me at times. I happen to be the oldest of 6 which has caused me to become the mother hen, or “mom friend” to a lot of other people in my life. I worry about their safety, and hope they aren’t doing anything to insanely stupid. But I am also the person that people come to when they need support, or just a friend to talk to. Even if we aren’t friends, I am all ears and want to help everyone, it’s the older sister in me.

My tattoo also reminds me of how much determination I have. The tattoo artist said to me, “It’s not about your pain tolerance it’s about how determined you are to finish it”. Once I have set my mind on something, I will succeed no matter what it takes and I will complete that goal. This can be shown with many other objects in my life, like the Macbook I insisted I needed for college, but my parents thought otherwise. It took months of convincing, conversations that lead to nowhere and even arguing to make them believe that my decision was what I wanted and was the correct decision for me. But in the end my determination bought that macbook, and it made me sit through the annoying pain of my tattoo.

My tattoo at first was just an object that was permanently on my body but has become a constant reminder of my how much my family means to me, and my caring personality and my determined mindset that helps me pursue my goals.

This was my first ever college speech, and because it is kinda interesting and more so up lifting I thought I would share it! I was a wreck before I had this speech but it went way better than I thought. I actually scored a 90% on it, which exceeded my expectations. I hope you enjoy it, I put a lot of thought and effort into this on.

“It is the big day. I am starting fresh, and I am gonna meet new people. I am gonna have so many new experiences and opportunities.” That’s what I kept telling myself. Moving in is probably one of the most irritating things I have ever done in my life, and I scream at my family and my boyfriend so many times over absolutely nothing. Let’s just say I deeply apologize for acting that way. I held back my tears until I hugged my mom goodbye. I don’t understand why it was so hard, they’re only 20 minutes away. The day goes on with pointless meetings and information that I am 100% sure I have already heard before. Safe to say that I was over it. Sleeping was weird, I was uncomfortable and took me forever to actually fall asleep.

Sept 4th: DAY #2

Woke up just to go a meeting about why you shouldn’t party, or at least learn to keep your priorities straight. It was funny but I was alone – my roommate went to help her boyfriend move in. I did meet some people but it wasn’t anything super life changing. They are super nice girls and I would totally hang out with them again, but I don’t want to get too set into making friends…class hasn’t even started.

By mid-day I was alone again. Roommate was with her boyfriend and the hall mates I met were doing other things! It was weird and I felt really lonely. I felt lost, like I was doing something wrong. I ended up meeting with a friend from high school. Which actually really helped. There was a glow party, thrown by the sororities on campus. I thought about wanting to join. I stayed out late, but not because of the party, I ended up visiting with a coworker.

Sept 5th: Day #3

I skipped all the “mandatory” stuff. I was more than happy to do that. I got to find where all my classes were, which made me more excited and less upset about being here. I ended up eating lunch late and eating dinner early. Which means I won’t be eating much of anything for dinner. Not really the biggest deal. It was another night where I stayed at home by myself. Not really my favorite thing but it will do. Maybe eventually I can meet some friends.

I ended up face timing my boyfriend, who is once again 20 minutes away. We are both struggling. I miss him. I miss having him around, I miss having someone to do stuff with. I would love if he could just be here all the time, but he can only stay for so long and we can only do so little until we become completely bored. It will just have to be something I figure out.

Sept 6th: First Day of Classes

Class is were good. I am optimistic. I am hoping that with time I will be able to find some friends and will be able to make it through the year successfully. I had lunch with my cousin (who I am so grateful to have) and some of the people she already knows. It kinda made me feel crummy about not really knowing anyone. But I pushed through and got to see her which really did make me feel better.

I went back to my dorm and showered and let me tell you that it is an experience. It definitely something I will probably never ever get use to. I then got to hang out with my boyfriend, which also made me feel better. We got a few things that I could still use in my dorm and went and had dinner at Noodles & Co., which was actually really nice. When we finished dinner I really didn’t want to say goodbye. He kept telling me “I really just want to drive start driving home”. He feels my pain, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I finished my homework from the day, which once again gave me hope for the semester.

Sept 7th: Second day of class

New day, new classes. I have an 8am today… definitely not a fan. It’s my communications class which made me dread it more. I don’t mind talking to strangers but as soon as something is for a grade I talk super fast and seemingly mess things up. This is gonna be a class I dread, I already know it. During my break I ate lunch by myself, which wasn’t that bad. It really wasn’t the worst thing in the world it was nice to be able to do what I wanted and catch up with the social media world. I finished lunch and took an adventure the financial aid office. Basically I have a loan and it’s super confusing, so they explained it to me and I should be good. I went back to my dorm watched some TLC with my roommate and her boyfriend. I have a new thing for ‘Out Daughtered’ it’s really good and intriguing, plus I just really love kids.

I went to my next two classes. My first one was psychology which I don’t think will be too hard considering that I had taken an AP psychology class already but never gotten the credit for it. After that a nursing lecture, this class easily excites me the most. I am very passionate about wanting to be a nursing and I am hoping that this class goes well for me. I walked back across campus to my dorm and recapped my day. Then went out for dinner with a bunch of friends from high school and to be honest it was the high light so far.

I am sorry that this is so boring, and that all of my writing have been so bland, I would like to write more now that I actually have something going on with my life. Please leave any tips for me that you would’ve liked to know when you started college or any advice on how to cope with being away from home. Honestly anything helps at this point.

I am in a mood. I just feel like crying a lot, but never do. The way I feel is sad, not good enough, disfigured, negative. I hate myself for even writing about this, it is stupid. I am talking about looks. How I look, how I feel about my looks. I am not vain or fishing for compliments, I just need this off my chest.

I think everyone should be happy with themselves, and if you love yourself then no one else should be able to hurt you. It’s a lot harder to follow your own advice, and even harder when you the other person. I am constantly comparing myself to others, always. My friends, people on social media, people I see around town. Basically anyone and everyone. I have never consider this a serious problem nor have, I ever been diagnosed with a mental disease. But I do not like myself, and that can’t be good.

I have an entire list of things that I would change about myself. and on the other side a “list” of things I like about myself. That “list” of things I like about myself is probably a measly one or two things. It would just be nice if I could just change everything else. I’m the ugly friend, the fat friend, the friend people pity. Fortunately those are self-given titles because I couldn’t actually tell you if my past or current friends would give me those titles. I’m glad I haven’t/didn’t ask because,

1. They wouldn’t be very good friends.

2. It might just hurt me too much to find out and I would rather just have my brain do the damage instead or someone else.

If I could have a magic lamp where a genie would pop out and grant me 3 wishes, I would ask for everything that I didn’t like to be changed. That might be superficial but it’s what I would do. I genuinely don’t have more than two things that I like about myself. Which honestly makes me so upset, because I want nothing more but to love myself for who I am. I can’t look at a mirror for too long and I don’t want to look at the scale, because I will always find something I don’t like.

I want to be a different person. I don’t want to be me.

I don’t feel any better, or any worse for sharing this even though I thought it would help. Please remember this isn’t a cry out for help, or someone fishing for compliments. My somber self has gotten the best of me.

I have only worked in retail for about 4 months, but while I’ve been working I have learned quite a few things.

People are really lazy – They will put things that are a whole foot away from them, across the store instead.

They get upset when your store changes it’s policies – NO matter how many times you explain it to them they think that getting 5% off every purchase is a better deal then getting double rewards points (which keep in mind gets you really good coupons).

It is really awkward when people don’t get approved for the in-store card – you don’t get the extra % off if you aren’t approved (at least not right away but that’s too long of an explanation).

Some people really care about every last cent. You bet they are gonna question why one shirt is $1.99 and the other is $2.00.

Cleaning up after the day is honestly the worst, because you see just how little respect people have for your job.

Back to school is the worst – there is so much new inventory and so little space to put it. With that also comes all the people who get to the register and then return all of it because it’s “too expensive”.

Counting down the drawers is actually so nerve wrecking, I worry even if I am a cent off even though it could’ve been a simple mistake taken throughout the day.

Anyway if any one else can relate to this kind of stuff let me know down below! Or if there are things you have learned working in your job.

Well don’t get me wrong, I am not always angry. I just feel like such a negative person. I complain a lot, and I do very negative things that I would tell others not to, and to be the bigger person.

For example, I can be extremely hypocritical, I will yell at my boyfriend for saying something completely rude and do something similar in the next 30 minutes. To be even more honest with you, there are 100 other examples. I tell myself that it’s not fair, and I wish I wasn’t that way, I don’t like being that way. But I guess it’s important that I know it’s wrong.

Other times, for some awful reason, I really like to start arguments. Believe me it is not my proudest ability. I don’t know whether it’s the attention or the feeling of “winning” but I like to argue. It usually starts out as me wanting to talk about a problem or my opinion, but ends up with me screaming or something else that is completely idiotic.

I feel like this makes me sound like a completely awful person, I think it is important that I acknowledge things about myself. That I know how have an area to work on in my communication skills and that as I grow and learn things will become easier.

Does anyone else feel disappointed in themselves for not necessarily being the person they tell others to be?