Monday, August 3, 2009

Look, dealing with the death of a loved one is hard enough, OK? It's just that death is so...so...final. And trying to come to grips with the fact that you'll never look that person in the face again is a really hard concept to deal with and accept. But fret not! Your problem (that you didn't know you even had) has been solved! That's right! Forget about "never" looking the dearly departed in the face again! Instead, have their ashes interred inside of a personal urn! Behold!

Good Lord, what the hell is that?! THAT is a personal urn, made possible by the folks over there at

Cremation Solutions (Tomorrows Traditions). (They also claim to be "Your complete Source for Scattering Urns and Accessories". And if you're like me, I know you're thinking, "Finally! A scattering source for ME!" Just be thankful it's complete, unlike all of those other incomplete ones that are popping up like weeds everywhere.)

According to the website "Cremation Solutions strives to support the people who choose cremation." And apparently the "support" that those folks need is an urn that looks like a human head. Go figure.

It's explained like this:

"Never forget a face." (Well I should say not! It'd be kind of difficult with the HEAD sitting there on the mantle, just staring at you throughout Wheel of Fortune!)

"Personal urns are a new and exciting way to memorialize your loved one." (New? Oh, hell yes! Exciting? Define "exciting". Watching people scream in horror and run out of the room upon seeing what appears to be the severed head of the dearly departed? Well, that COULD be "exciting", this is true. But I'm not so sure that's exactly the word I'm looking for here. Perhaps "different" or "conversation starter" would be more appropriate. "Friend disappear-er" might be another.)

"Now we can create a custom urn in the image of your loved one or favorite celebrity or hero." (The "favorite celebrity or hero" part disturbs me. Why would someone want to do that? Your fat uncle Alfred dies and so you put him in Marilyn Monroe's head? That doesn't seem right. It kind of feels like you're sticking it to uncle Alfred. Even if he really, really liked Marilyn Monroe, I don't think that putting his remains inside of a replica of her head is showing a lot of reverence for the dead. It's definitely not showing a lot of reverence for Marilyn Monroe. But what about the "hero" part? Like....super? They can make me a Batman head? With the pointy ears? AND the mask? Or are they just talking "hero" like Sully Sullenberger (with or without pointy ears and mask)? Maybe Greatest American Hero? I really have no idea, but I find it odd that anyone would want any of this at all, let alone a head that doesn't look like the one that the loved one was accustomed to using.)

"This is the most heart warming and special memorial product available anywhere" (Again, I believe the word they are looking for is "different". I can't attest to the "heart warming" part of the claim either. Heart palpitating, perhaps. Heart stopping? In some cases, who knows?)

"Available in Two Sizes" (Regular and melon? Oh, but I kid! There's the regular "head-sized" head and then there's the "keepsake-sized" head. I'm picturing the keepsake-sized one to be something bigger than a Pez dispenser and smaller than a Mr. Potato Head (which, incidentally, this is reminding me a LOT of!).Now, if you're looking at that and you're thinking, "But my loved one wasn't bald!", fret not! That's because "Personal urns come with a bare scalp ready for a suitable wig, which we can provide." They don't say if they can provide a wig that will resemble the hair of the deceased individual or if they'll have a few different ones to choose from, a la Phil Spector, or if they're just giving everyone the same hairpiece. I'm hoping that it's a bit more custom than a "one size fits all" approach. That could stall sales.

The hair part is a bit confusing (as if the rest of this is very straightforward!) as in an article over at The Metro it states that "No hair or wig is provided, but the US-based firm offer to "digitally add hair if you wish". What does that mean exactly? Add the hair "digitally"? How are they going to do that? Laser it on? Print out a picture of some hair and tape it on the head? That doesn't make sense.

"A plaque and nameplate are also available." All right, I'm picturing one of those "Hello My Name Is" tags! I can't help it! It's because of the head!

I suppose that if this is the sort of thing that you really want, then have it. My thought on the whole death thing is that y'all grieve however you want to. Doesn't matter how odd or crazy or strange it may seem, if that's what helps, so freaking be it. But I'll tell you this: It seems just a little bit closer to the next seemingly inevitable step. That's right. Human taxidermy. Ew. No one wants that. Do they?