Ladies... (and the occasional male..) do not tell me, that you work out... and then when I ask "oh cool, what do you do?" and your response is "I do yoga slash zumba." ...and that is ALL YOU EVER DO... you have no right to be offended when I either laugh at you, or walk away to never return. Here is why.

Yoga: its a lovely concept.. flexibility, balance, yadda yadda... but if this is all you do... ever.. you are not working out. you are stretching and sleeping, and the only reason you like it is because you use it as an excuse to buy cute outfits and prance around with a fucking mat in your hands to make guys think you are skinnier than you actually are. Yes, I understand "oohh my Gooodd its so haarrdd!!! the poses are reeeally challenging!" bitch please. if you have ever done anything else you would know better. ive done yoga, pilates, body sculpt, blah blah.. all the lil bitchy classes. Gyms love people like you because you don't use any of the actual equipment... you pay uber amounts of money every month to do shit YOU CAN DO AT HOME FOR FREE. do not even get me started on sleep yoga. just because they put a word somewhat relating to physical activity paired with the opposite of moving does NOT mean you are working out. Ps. those "yoga pants".... are NOT for everyone...

Zumba: oh Lord... I was once asked to do Zumba by a friend... and it has confirmed all of my suspicions. Zumba... is what women do, when they want to feel like they are working out, but really, they are just twirling around like fucking fairies with their flingy stringy pants to make themselves feel cool. I can think of 287 other things off the top of my head that are more productive in burning calories than doing the twist for 60 minutes. One of which would be sleeping. You burn a lot of calories while you sleep… bam. Every night I am more productive than you and im not even fucking conscious. If you participate in this embarrassing act of a so called "work-out", and are under the age of 40.... shame on you. If you do it for fun and to have a dance party, then great! you win. ...but do not tell people you work out. because you would be a liar. (Note: Please see "Zumbogus" below for further rant on this subject)

You work out? Is that why you are on your cell phone? Talking loudly so all can hear your super important conversation that can not wait until your pretend workout is over? You are at the gym, not Barbie's dream house. For the guys... you hate talking on the phone, so why would you do it during your testosterony time. Put the fone down and go back to picking up weights that are too heavy for you so you have to flail your entire body around just to lift the shit rather than use weights that are actually appropriate at the risk of looking like a wuss. NO ONE CARES. go. the fuck. home.

You know that moment.. when you are totally enjoying your cardio time… comfortable in your zone… when this bitch gets on the machine next to you, giving you the stink eye… then acts like she’s fucking queen of cardio. bitch please… don’t be checking me out and noting my equipment stats, only to click one up higher on your resistance or incline to make yourself feel like you’re better than me. Challenge accepted. Be prepared to rock a 10 incline on 8 speed, or your skinny ass is about to fall the fuck off and wish it did yoga instead. Cardio is my rest, while it is your whole life. Wipe my shit down when you’re done picking your face off of yours. Sad.

Dear Guys at the Gym: If you see a female on a cardio machine, and there is an ABUNDANCE of other identical machines vacant around her, yet you pick the one RIGHT next to her… ur not only a creeper, but you do not deserve to feel offended when she moves over 4 machines. Isn’t it like the urinal rule? If there are other ones open, no need to rub up on each other.

What is the point, of cutting the sides of a shirt so low, that the front and back connect only by a thread at the bottom. Is it not just the sleeves that bother you, but the shirt itself? Even weirder, what is the point of wearing a shirt like that, with a beater/tank underneath? You look like a Jamoke. Children work very diligently in third world countries to sew the sleeves slash entire sides that you just sawed (or chewed) off like a caveman, only to attempt to show off your "manliness".... which is actually dwarfed by your inherent lack of style since you chose to sport a bib rather than a shirt to this fitness establishment. Pick one or the other, or the other. A shirt, a beater, or a sideless bib. Then throw them all out and change completely.

Ahh.. that awkwardness time when you get off of a cardio machine at the gym to get the wipey stuff to clean it like a good gym citizen.. only to ferget which machine you were on in the row of 13 identically crappy machines... and you pretend to be confident about the one you chose to wipe down, even though inside you are wondering if the guy on the treadmill behind you knows which machine you ACTUALLY used..

For the life of me.. I will never understand what people wear to the gym. And I don’t just mean females, although that is the obvious answer. Guys, if you’re gonna rock a schmedium, at least make sure it isn’t EXTRA reeediculous schmedium. And ladies, while I have you here, if you are here for a date, just wait outside with your matching eye shadow and tank top, you’ll prolly have better luck than looking like a dumb-dumb going two miles an hour on the old people bike for 45 minutes… on your hello kitty encased cell phone.

I have a hard time including anything about foofy dances in the “gym” section, in fear of offering false hope that it relates to anything of an actual workout… but… Zumba pants.. U think ur all gangsta with ur lil pointless straps flailing about and one pant leg rolled up... You damn well know, the second they enter any place that SLIGHTLY resembles a ghetto, that shit comes down faster than a 12 year old pre-pubescent girl’s pants at a Justin Bieber concert.