Thursday, June 18, 2015

Jurassic Park was, bar none, one of the most important moments of my LIFE. In 1993 I was 9 years old, and at the height of my dino-literacy and enthusiasm.

I still have the toy version of that T-Rex on my lunch box. I spray painted him purple and we made him a tutu and call him Denver now.

My 4th grade teacher literally let me teach segments of the dinosaur unit in science class, and always asked me how to pronounce the names of the various dinos we were looking at. I had read my Dad's copy of Jurassic Park so many times that the book fell apart and I taped it back together with duct tape, and my Mom had never read Michael Chrichton so thought it was totally harmless when I grabbed Sphere next and read some seriously bizarro sex scenes that I comprehended very little of other than thinking Crichton really likes to describe nipples.

So when I find out Jurassic Park is going to be a MOVIE that Spring I went absolutely bananas. I re-read the book like twice and honed by dino-knowledge, carefully referring to the illustrated timeline poster I had wrapping around the walls of my room that showed what dinosaurs lived during which time periods, and carefully following up on the various dinos that appeared in the book so I was fully prepared for the majesty. June 11, 1993, my Dad takes me to the theater on opening day, and I saw the GREATEST MOVIE EVER TO BE PUT ON FILM. Holy shit! Those were DINOSAURS! They were REAL! People use this as a reaction gif all the time, but it is literally how I felt watching that shit:

My parents probably invested a few thousand dollars into merchandise in the following year, and I will never replicate the unadulterated childlike joy I felt in that theater watching the T-Rex eat Generro while he's sitting on the shitter.

Fast forward 22 years, and I still love dinosaurs. PurpleSaurus Rex dances around with t-rex arms and roars every week, and you can bet your sweet ass that we had a team outing to go see Jurassic World on opening day. Actual opening day, not bullshit 7 PM showing on Thursday because thats when movies open now so they can inflate the opening weekend numbers, we went on Friday like AMERICANS. Bought out an entire row at the Drafthouse Ritz, fought our way through the ROT Rally crowds with our pal Denver in tow, and we rocked that shit. If I was another party in the theater, I probably would have raised a card to alert them of a rude table because we were having way too much fun. I like to think we were all 9 year olds again watching with wide eyes and giggling like idiots. After the film, Denver stalked the theater as some clever PurpleSaurs projected his profile on the big screen for all to bask in his majesty.

And not once did I point out that Velociraptors are really the size of turkeys, and the dinosaur that most closely resembles those that appear in the film is Deinonychus. Also Ankylosaurus should have gotten more screen time because he's the best dinosaur. BULLSHIT how fast he got wrecked by the Indomitus.

I suffered an unfortunate accident while being awesome that has me sidelined for the rest of the season. I know we all signed up for WAKA solely because for the love of the game of kickball and nothing like the parties and friends so this news should be devastating...

Kickball is actually pretty awesome even if you can't play, for the following reasons. You can drink more, you don't have to worry about dropping a ball or striking out because you had too much to drink when you're on the sidelines. You get to hang out with the mascots, I heard a certain celebrity sheep, La Dy Bah Bah was going to make an appearance at tonight's game. You can still hang out at the bar and play the bar games, except that fruit dangle game it looked exhausting.. You don't have to worry about your wig falling off or having a wardrobe malfunction while playing in your crazy costume either. And finally you still get to go to the parties. And don't forget about the blackmail opportunities, when every one is playing you've got the perfect opportunity to take a bunch of photos that could be used a variety of ways. I'm pretty sure our team captains weren't already married, we have some amazing photos to add to their wedding video montage.

I'm still waiting to see how long I'm going to sidelined, but I will be signing up for next season regardless because Kickball is Awesome Even If You Can't Play.

I want to report a missing player from our team. He is about 2 feet tall, white, hairless, STD free (hopefully still is) and has an infectious smile. We already contacted the police, but they told us their hands were tied because he is not an American citizen. His name is Rodney Dangerzone and he was kidnapped this past Thursday on his debut to WAKA kickball.

[no picture here because Mason STILL doesn't understand that you can't just link to private pictures on Facebook and expect it to work]

His captors have been sending us pictures on a daily basis of the horrible torture that Rodney has been going through. I mean force feeding him Einstein bros bagels, how much worse could it get.

[again, a mysterious picture should be here but Mason is an idiot]

Oh ya let's put him out by the pool with no sunscreen on, now he's gonna be sunburned. Have you ever sunburned a penis before? Not good.

[continuing to remain willfully ignorant of how the internet works, Mason linked another private picture here]

Then they put him through a vigorous training regiment, when all he wanted to do was a few thrusts and finish early, like every guy.

This has to be the worst torture anyone can inflict on another human being... Forcing poor Rodney to watch the bachelorette. What kind of sick twisted kidnappers are these people.

[HE'S DONE IT FOLKS! With 5 attempts at linking an image that is not restricted by Facebook privacy rules, our good friend Mason has succeeded 0 times. Bear in mind that I walked him through the process of just right clicking on an image and selecting "Copy Image URL" to bypass this last week when he fucked that up too]

If you have seen Rodney Dangerzone please contact the Large Hardon Colliders with any information you might have about his whereabouts. We will not give up on you Rodney. If you are somehow reading this know that we are trying our hardest to find you. We had to lie to Gregory and tell him that you are on vacation, but he keeps asking questions like where did you vaca too, and for how long. I don't think we can keep lying to Gregory for much longer.

We ask that you please keep Rodney in your thoughts and prayers until this debacle is over.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Hey folks! As you may or may not know, a little thing called the NBA Finals is going on right now and people are all jazzed to watch it. One of the top spots to watch sports games? Sports bars! One of the best sports bars in town? The Park on South Lamar! This means the bar will be crowded during the game because everyone wants to be at such a fun place. It's entirely possible, in fact very likely, that there will not be open tables for you to sit at if you're arriving right at 8 or 9, but THIS DOES NOT MEAN THE BAR DOESN'T HAVE ROOM FOR YOU. The back patio is our stomping ground, and there's plenty of standing room around the bar and in the back area near the big projection screen.

Take advantage of it, and tables will open up as those blessed with lesser party genes go home for the evening and the Chosen kickballers assume their rightful dominant place as lords of the bar. It appears there was some misunderstanding of the situation and people felt like they were being "turned away" last week, that's simply not the case!

This week's bar game involves rubber band skillz, so feel free to grab a pack out of the supply closet and brush up on skills by pelting your coworkers with a hail of rubber projectiles this afternoon.

We have a new writer for the GMOT this week to help 'share the load' if you will. If you aren't already intrigued then maybe this image will help

Yes as you all should know by now, we are the ones at the top of the LotP standings thanks in large part to our collective awesomeness, our can do attitude, and our ability to arouse everyone and everything in sight. Some of you might think of us as the team with a giant dick... but come on, he has a name, and Gregory also has feelings. Calling him a dick just makes him sad.

Gregory is very photogenic and loves to sneak in from behind

When you get home from the bar and check all the pictures you took, don't be surprised to see Gregory's beautiful smile

If you get to know us you will realize we all have very big hearts, I mean we have to in order to pump enough blood into our huge Hardon.

We are so jacked up for the theme this week. What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get. So don't be afraid to come up to us and play with our Gregory, we promise we wont tell anyone...

The Rubik's Cube is such an ingrained part of American culture since its introduction in the 80s and subsequent wild popularity that we hardly even look at it twice. It's a cube! What's to see? Six sides, six colors, twist to solve, yadda yadda. But look closer. WHAT colors are there?

The primary colors are all present: Red, Yellow, Blue.

The secondary colors are all present: Orange, Green, and ... White?

Where the hell is Purple, the CLEAR natural color to balance the scheme out? What possible reason could there be to exclude just one of the secondary colors, throwing everything off in favor of white?

Maybe it wasn't an aesthetic decision. Maybe it was a political one. Erno Rubik, the inventor of the cube, was born in 1944 in Budapest, Hungary. Know what else was going on in Hungary in 1944? That's right, an alliance with the Axis powers in central Europe aimed at world domination and the propagation of the "master race" ... ahem, the WHITE race.

The systematic discrimination and persecution of all things purple is no less than a Nazi plot initiated during World War 2 and carried forward into the present day by sinister agents such as Erno Rubik and their vile legacies, seeking to eradicate all things purple and replace them with white.

We are Purple, and we will NOT be held down. We will NOT be silenced. We will ROAR!

The Alcaballics are coming in hard and ready to get a win after our match up against Kickness Everdeen. Warning to all other teams, they don't fuck around. I found out why we never see them at the bar... they are in it to win it, and I don't mean the Life of the Party. So yes, the odds were in their favor.. Damn.

It's all good though! We are shaking it off and ready to go head to head with A Nu Start.

Still shaking my head trying to fathom how the Large Hardon Colliders got over 400 points on week 4 for Life of the Party, but I give them many props and kudos because they always go hard at The Park. We are now extreme underdogs in the 4 teams leading, but everyone loves an underdog, right?!

I hope all of you are ready to strip it and swap it for this Rubik's Cube Challenge! Its gonna be real colorful out there.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

I would say that our domination in the Life of the Party standings is downright embarrassing for the other teams who consider themselves willing and able to “party hard,” but that phrase just doesn’t encompass the magnitude of the situation. Let me attempt to further elaborate on just how much ass we are kicking in this category with a series of team-related metaphors.

Alcaballics like to party, and we can attest to this as they are our partiers in crime and we love them very, very much. When it comes down to brass tacks, though, we are currently on a different level. We are the AA group of Alcaballics partying destruction. Our prowess is such that it is apparently driving them to sobriety, and that just plain scares me.

Purplesaurus, party extraordinaires, party royalty, never give up never surrender…partying. It used to be that Purple only partied on days ending in “y,” but now it seems like maybe they only party on days starting with “never.” Evolution has driven these beautiful dinos into irrelevance in the LotP standings. Simply put we are the 100 mi diameter meteor that ended the golden age of velociraptors jumping on T-rexs as buildings crumbled around them. Stephen can’t do it by himself people, although he almost does.

What can I say about Kick in the Punt that hasn’t already been written all over the stalls at the bar? They quickly shot to stardom last season in an incendiary win as first ever TX Live Life of the Party. As has become painfully obvious this season, we are the chastity belt that keeps these PUNTs at bay. While the PUNTs are our closest competition, that’s like saying milk is close to ice cream. It just isn’t.

So let’s see what you’ve got TX Live. We want to party you hard. We want your tired, your hungry and your sober. We want to rock your world. We want to touch you in places you didn’t realize existed, except this time we don’t want to go to jail for it. Come to the bar. Come feel our belt. Come feel our power. Come prepared for mouth kisses. Just come.

Now, you may notice that I did not say "Beer Pong", I said "Pong". There is a reason for this, and I want to make sure everyone understands it before they start bitching about it at the bar and accusing me of killing fun: Holding a competition in which drinking alcohol is intrinsic to the game and a substantive reward is offered is a violation of TABC (Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission) policies. This means playing beer pong as we know it, with beer in the cups which you must drink when your opponent hits said cup, would be cause for the bar to lose its liquor license, resulting in all of us getting kicked out forever and all of those wonderful people losing their jobs.

As I'm sure you understand, this is a huge deal and not something we're going to touch with a 10 foot pole. Is it a bullshit draconian policy? Sure, I'll give you that. The person to complain to however is not me, or the staff/managers at The Park at South Lamar, it's your Congressman!

SO, with that in mind, I'm going to have two pong tables set up tonight. On one of them will be the social points challenge: you will have three champions try to hit as many cups as possible in a 10 cup rack (i'll remove made cups in between throws) with 10 throws. Each contestant will get a fresh 10 cup rack to throw at. 1 point per cup made, cumulative score of the three contestants will be compared against the other teams for the standard points (100 for 1st, 95 for 2nd, etc).

On the other table, I'll just leave cups and balls for conventional pong. King of the hill rules, you win you can keep the table and face another challenger. No social points at this table, just for fun!You may only use water in the cups. I repeat: NO BEER IN THE CUPS. If you happen to have a beer in your hand and happen to take a sip of it when your opponent hits a cup, that's fine, but playing with beer in your cups will get you kicked right out of the bar. And you know who's going to be the jerk if that happens to you? Not me, not the bar staff, but YOU! You're the jerk in this hypothetical scenario that isn't going to happen! Don't be a jerk!

Please everyone, lets take a moment of silence and PRAY FOR SUNSHINE AND DRY FIELDS the rest of the season.

This week, I am ready to re-introduce myself to all those I only met the night of the first game that apparently melt in the rain and didn't come out and party with the rest of us the past few weeks.

This week, the Alcaballics are totes ready to face up against Kickness Everdeen team, who frankly, I have heard nothing of - clearly have not been rocking those Life of the Party points like the Alcaballics and other leading teams...

I think that the odds will NOT be in your favor this week Kickness Everdeen! BOOM.

Lastly teams better bring their BEER PONG GAME ON because the Alcaballics are ready to challenge you. I will say one thing: You better Bring it.

We FINALLY get to play! I know that KickInThePunt is ready. We have players that haven't been to the fields yet and were starting to think that kickball was just costumes at the bar.

Some of you may have heard of our guerrilla brunch takeover on June 14th. If you haven't yet here is the deal...

We will be meeting in line at Bangers on Rainey at 11am. Once we get to the door we can best figure out how to be seated, if there are many of us we probably can't sit together but can slowly infiltrate the place. Then we eat, drink, and hop around to the neighboring bars. I say we play it by ear and see what happens. There has been slight talk about creating a theme but nothing set as of yet.

It will be a fun time and you all (y'all is still foreign to me) should come along.