McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

Roommate Wanted: Share My West Village Pad

I have one bedroom available for rent in a two-bedroom apartment in the heart of Manhattan’s West Village. I would describe the room as cozy and the layout has a very chic “Eastern European” feel to it. There is no closet, but a twin-size bed would leave room for a small dresser. The room measures 7 feet by 7 feet with a 5-foot-high ceiling. It has no windows or electrical outlets, but boasts attractive hardwood floors.

The rest of the apartment gets lots of sunlight and has its own private roof deck with great views of the Village. There’s a large eat-in kitchen with a table that seats up to five, and a nice living room with a flat-screen TV.

Tenant must be a working professional, employed full-time in a 9-to-5 job, and have perfect credit. Tenant should also have a second job, with, ideally, shifts on weeknights and weekend days and nights.

Tenant must be alcohol- and drug-free! This is a must! Do not bring booze or drugs into the apartment. Respect the lock on my liquor cabinet. And the lock on my bong cabinet. This is a sober environment—for you.

The building has a doorman and an elevator. Due to recent long waits for the elevator, this would be a walkup apartment for the tenant. My apartment’s fifth-floor views will be worth your climb every time, believe me.

Tenant will not have access at any time to the roof deck, living room, or kitchen. There are great restaurants and delis nearby.

No overnight guests. No exceptions. Ideally, you do not have a significant other, but if you do, he/she cannot spend the night at the apartment. Or visit the apartment. One-night stands are also out. Basically, no hookups of any kind. Friends visiting from out of town definitely cannot crash here. Ideally, you do not have “a lot” of friends (i.e., any). But if you do, they cannot visit the apartment at any time.

I like the apartment to be very quiet when I am home. There would be no talking of any kind allowed after 6:00 p.m. Cell phones must be deactivated at 5:59 p.m. No music or television for you at any time of the day or night. No flushing of the toilet after 7:00 p.m. Ideally, you prefer sleeping on the street or in the park most nights instead of at home. However, do not take my newspapers from the recycling bin to use as blankets. Also, you must not bring any food or beverages into the apartment at any time.

If interested, please e-mail me and tell me a little about yourself. Potential tenants must send a photo—no uglies, please! Ideally, you will be very good-looking, but slightly less good-looking than me. Rent is $2,400 a month plus utilities. If you are new to New York, trust me, that is an effing incredible deal for the West Village.

I am having an open house next Saturday. E-mail me your pic, description, and a top-10 list of reasons I should consider you, and I will e-mail you back with the address if you are invited. If I choose you at the open house, you must pay a security deposit and the first six months’ rent and the last six months’ rent up-front. I look forward to meeting everyone!