The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

CarlyMoon at Night: Bachelor's Delight

But actually... Where do I even begin discussing the past five hours of my life that were dedicated to BachelorNation? All of the "most dramatic" (thank you, Hare) moments we've seen in the history of this show basically all aired in our living rooms in a single twenty four hour period. My commentary is actually pretty limited due to the fact that a) I was GLUED to the screen. Couldn't take my eyes off this train wreck, and b) real talk: Carly is my spirit animal and I didn't even really have to bother taking notes during the first three hours because SHE SAID ALL OF IT FOR ME. I just want to BE Carly, everyday.

er uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Ahem, in the meantime: Allow me to briefly walk though the RIDICULOUS amount of breakdowns we witnessed, as well as offer some brief comparisons:

1) Andi and Josh Break-up: I mean... Does anyone even know WHY they broke up? I learned NOTHING from that interview. Except that Andi still ferociously rubs her eyes when she cries and it stresses me out because THAT SKIN IS SO DELICATE AND SUSCEPTIBLE TO WRINKLES, DORFMAN!

AGING IS REAL, DWARFMAN.

The only reason this interview was remotely likable was because it's VERY pleasant to see Hare actually care about she to whom he is speaking. (For examples of the contrary, see Prince Farming, Kelsey, etc) We have high standards for the post-break-up interview, if anyone remembers the breakup interview where Jake accused Vienna of undermining him by interrupting him and measuring the cabinets...

I watch this at LEAST once a month...

2) Britt's breakdown... OHMIGAH OHMIGAH OHMIGAHHHHH. I don't know who was more pleased about the whole thing: myself, or Carly. This was by far and away the most rapid and steep decline that we have EVER seen in a contestant. Britt will be spoken about for YEARS.

What was so great about the whole thing is that she went from 10 to 0 in a DAY. There was no slow demise with her, like say, Ashley Herbert on Brad Womack's season. Or even Tierra - she went down pretty slowly. Or even Mickey - remember him? That dude that eliminated himself and took off from Hong Kong, as soon as he found out that Bentley had returned and Ashley had been pining for him?

Buh-bye, China! Hello Dignity!

But no. Britt was absolutely first in Chris's book, up until Carly pulled the rug out from under her. (Or did she pull it out from under PrinceFarming, because she revealed a completely different woman than the one he thought he knew?)

3) Hometown dates: I mean... I'm pretty sure Becca's family threw her further under the bus than Dez's family could have ever DREAMED of throwing her, the time she brought Sean Lowe home to meet them.

4) Jade. JAAAAADE and her sordid past. Shall we compare this to the reveal of Rated X? Or the reveal of that random dude on Dez's season whose girlfriend showed up? The perfect "Wild Mustang" buildup from her family was BEYOND anything that is up with which the producers could have conjured.

Each of the above events will be discussed in detail below, but I had to lead off with the acknowledgement that truly: that two night event was unlike ANYTHING we'd ever seen.

Sunday Night:Farming (and Kelsey) tell all:
Fact: they told us literally NOTHING. The only remotely remarkable thing we learned was from Chris Harrison, when he told us that bless-her-heart Ashley S thought that the crew was running a gambling ring from the accounting office. The only thing I can surmise is that the production team wanted to give Kelsey a chance to make herself NOT sound like she calculated the end of her husband (who was named Sanderson Poe, for those who just joined us), and they didn't even pull THAT off, because the only noteworthy word that Kelsey used was "crucifixion" in regards to the Women Tell All.

I'm fairly certain that Hare just madeup the notion that another woman was going to be eliminated on top of the departure of Kelsey, Ashley I and now Megan. So what looks like a GRAND gesture of generosity, [insert Carly's "WE'RE GOIN' TO IOWA!" here]

Trip to Iowa:

Why they went to Iowa, perhaps we will never know. Was it to give the women (*cough cough*Britt) a chance to back out, if they found Iowa to be too much of a small town? One thing's for sure: Arlington is LITERALLY so small that they couldn't even put the girls up in a hotel there. I guess it was stay at the pastor's house, or head to Des Moines. (Shoutout to my girl Amy, who observed that the pastor was wearing a "Call of Duty" t-shirt.)

We see footage of Farming puttering around a farm, and this is how I feel about how natural he looks on a farm talking to a cow that is DEFINITELY not named "Bessie."

Has Chris ever SEEN a cow before?

Can we go ahead and establish that Farming isn't a Jason Aldean-grade "takes the tractor another round" farmer? CLEARLY this guy works in an office, apparently selling corn all day, but there's NO WAY that man works on a farm all day everyday. (Where this office is, we will never know)

Britt was NOT pleased that Jade got the first one on one date card. She was wearing what appeared to be an unusually low amount of eye make-up as she pretended to be happy for Jade. LITTLE DID WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF UNRAVELING WAS IN STORE.

Quick reminder: again, I took VERY few notes during this episode because truly: Carly said nearly all of it. I don't know HOW they ended up using that clip of Carly's face superimposed on the moon - clearly Jacob got a little punchy around 3 am one morning and did it as a joke, before one of the story editors saw it and passed it along and suddenly it was on national TV...

As Farming and Jade meander around Arlington, Farming points out that it's deserted because "technology has taken over the role of a lot of farmers and..." he trails off, unsure.
"People have to move where there jobs," Jade finishes for him.

Grace: People have to move where there's PEOPLE. In unrelated news, is there a Blockbuster in Arlington? I need to know.

Perhaps some of you will remember the piece I did on Arlington last season when I spoke about real estate in Arlington as well as the teachers at Starmont high school, aka the Starmont Stars. For any of you that are picturing the small town charm of somewhere like Dillon Texas (clear eyes, strong heart, CAN'T LOSE!) perhaps you should know that the Starmont Star cheerleaders... DONT HAVE CHEERLEADING UNIFORMS.

That is, unless the two lines of girls that we saw on the sidelines with pom poms, wearing jeans and Ugg boots were NOT the cheerleaders.

And THEN we saw that some of the football players doubled as the marching band. To which I have only ONE question...

If they're playing the trombone, won't they miss Coach's rousing halftime speech??

Clear eyes, strong heart... LONG WAY FROM DILLON.

The Living Room Peanut Gallery was comprised of some of my oldest favorites: Nashville Friends Meaghan and Laura Grace, as well as the usual suspects: Carolyn and Johnny, and we very quickly decided that EVERY WOMAN IN ARLINGTON HAS THE SAME SHORT HAIRCUT.

You know what you did, Kate Gosselin

Ok but REALLY... I am SO creeped out by this old high school jaunt right now... Don't get me wrong: we all want to walk through the halls, feeling like we own the place - I'm SURE Chris felt like nothing less, when he walked through with Jade. But based on the fact that this is the ONLY thing that they could possibly do in Arlington... It's creepy and weird. I refuse to dignify Chris's "less of English and more like French" line with ANY commentary.

When Jade returned to the... suite at the Marriott in Des Moines, she told the other girls what she and Farming did. The green eyed monster was nearly crawling out of Britt's skin about it. In the first of (SEVERAL) spectacular meltdowns, Britt started out saying she was happy for Britt, but then immediately BURST into tears. She tried to back pedal by saying, "I'm sorry... its this weird thing I have..."Grace: IT'S CALLED JEALOUSY, BRITT.Meaghan: Oh HONESTLY. She's just jealous because she wants crowds chanting at them to be HER thing with Chris.

Farming took Whitney on a one-on-one date in Des Moines and there is very little worth mentioning. They took pictures. They had pictures taken. They kissed. She met his friends. By the way: the LRPG was wondering how far away Arlington is from Des Moines - you know, like, is it at least close enough that they could go there for a date night?

.....It is 150 miles away.

The girls drove the one hundred and fifty miles to see it. I don't even know what to say about Britt's Pout Session in the morning, but somehow they talked her into going and THANK GOD THEY DID.

Sweet Becca summed up Arlington in a single line, "I think if I lived here I'd like to pop out babies ASAP." This supports the notion that children are an activity, as opposed to a responsibility, but Becca is just so sweet and simple that we can't even really hold it against her...

Let’s all clap it up for Carly, who loved the Jesus portrait inside the church… And then met the pastor of the church, two doors down. Oh, AND the treasurer.

When Kaitlyn, Britt and Carly's names were read on the group date card, the words “ouch” and “shocker” were uttered by the women, clearly indicating that this IS a competition. Also indicating that they think that Farming has some kind of say over who decides on the date participants. Hasn't that always been a shot called by production?

Major points to Carly for then calling Britt out on her false modesty, when it came to her whining about how bad she was at ice skating. (Just out of curiosity... is there anyone who isn't/wasn't a competition skater that would claim to be GOOD at ice skating? Just curious.)

Allow me to stand on my soapbox for a brief Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus moment. Time and time again, we see a running theme on this show: Bachelor is smitten with a lady who has been deemed a snake charmer by all the other ladies. Chances of Bachelor catching onto said Snake Charm seem small, so all other ladies make it their goal to inform Bachelor of the Snake Charmer. Because the stakes are high, no lady can ever trust that Bachelor will eventually see Snake Charmer for what she is: a Charmer of Snakes. Ladies must tell Bachelor of Snake Charm IMMEDIATELY.

I'd like to think this doesn't happen in real life, but it kind of does.

My question: Why hasn’t Britt decided that she doesn’t want to be with Chris, when she clearly doesn't want to live in Arlington? Her obvious disdain for his hometown, followed by the pure lies that she fed to him like candy now put Britt in what I like to call Category 3. You know, the one where they're not there to promote themselves, they're not there for a connection, they're just THERE TO WIN. Britt moved into Category 3, somewhere between the tears and the lies in this episode.

Also noteworthy: when Carly gave Farming her Snake Charmer Revelation, she uttered the words, “I know how much you like her…” which, let's face it, have never been uttered on this show. There is a camaraderie that has been born between these women which is rather unusual (for the contrary, see Nikki and Clare, on Juan Pablo's season) and that also makes the prospect of Farming facing them at the Women Tell All horrifying for him and exhilarating for me.

Another quick question: why does Britt’s family eat off of each other’s plates? I am the most invasive person I know, and I can't remember the last time I actually ate something off of someone's plate. I often demand that my mother give me the other half of her loaded baked potato when we go out, but I don't shovel it into my mouth straight from her plate? Britt mentioned this to Chris when she was giving her spiel about how much she would love for him to come visit her hometown. She was probably patting herself on the back for sounding slightly ashamed as she "admitted" that she could show him her whole life in less than a block...

I'll bet.

Farming handled his "confrontation" with Britt VERY well. Might have been his BEST move this whole season. He never gave any indication that someone had said something to him, and gave her a distinct chance to set the record straight.

...she didn't.

Later Farming was off with Kaitlyn and he gave her the rose and KAITLYN IS CRYING AGAIN AND I LIKE HER WAY TOO MUCH FOR HER TO EVER BE WITH CHRIS. Farming is “making Kaitlyn be soft.” KAITLYN IS MAKING ME BE SOFT.

Another quick Bachelor soapbox speech: You know those girls that leave the show and say "maybe I should have been more vulnerable?" Kaitlyn is that girl, EXCEPT SHE WAS VULNERABLE AND SHE IS KILLING IT, SUBSEQUENTLY. The LRPG voted that she was a) way too good for Chris and b) way too grounded and down to earth to be the next Bachelorette.

Britt and Carly were left sitting on the couch while Kaitlyn got the rose, and Britt’s Transylvanian accent as she said “Where’s Kaitlyn?” is the most that I’ve liked her since the premiere.

When Farming and Kaitlyn returned with the rose having been bestowed, Britt's unravel began to really pick up speed.

In front of everyone, Britt began telling Chris why she deserved the rose. This is amazing. This is even better than the time that Ryan tried to talk Emily Maynard back into giving him the rose, after she'd already told him he was going home.

I would like to take a quick moment to invite EVERYONE to a 5k that will be hosted at our house very soon, in an effort to raise awareness of... the self. Yes, that's correct: a Run for Self-Awareness. Britt will obviously be there because she is in DIRE need of some.

Carly (again) perfectly described it when she said "Britt thinks she's the Bachelorette. She has to be number one. She gets really upset when she isn't." Followed by her description of Britt's breakdown: “It was so much better of an explosion than I could have possibly expected.” WHERE IN THE WORLD this girl got the idea that she could a) demand an explanation from Farming and b) do it in front of the other girls is beyondme. Clearly her mom was too busy spooning meatballs off of Britt's plate onto her own to bother with, "Now sweetheart, just because you don't get your way doesn't mean you get to throw a tantrum..."

Upon hearing the full story, Whitney asked, "What switch went off?"

Carly: “Uh, rejection. I’d just told him she was two different people and then he SAW it ten minutes later.”

As for Britt's departure... Where to even begin? ONCE MORE, Carly summed it all up for us: "Britt doesn’t want to be rejected, so she’s going to leave before he can send her home."

Except we all knew that Britt was really setting out to get Chris to beg her to stay and to say that "it backfired" would be a gross understatement. There was still a chance for her to walk out of there holding her head high, but she chose to say to Chris: "In light of what I said to you... do you have anything to say to me?"

What followed (before we got to the part where she was bawling on the sidewalk) LRPG Carolyn summarized with: "He literally cannot speak words. He has no words to say to her because he has no thoughts in his brain."

Once again: that downward spiral was unlike ANYTHING we have ever seen. There was no room to even faintly pump the brakes because it started flying out of control so quickly, never to be restored.

Goodbye, Britt. Please don't return as the Bachelorette. (And you know the sale of Bratz dolls would be through the roof if she does grace us with her Bachelorette presence...)

Ugh. Goodbye, Carly. If you're not the next Bachelorette, I WILL QUIT.

Surely she didn't get poached by the producers to come on this show when they went home for Zak's hometown date with Dez, only to NOT be the Bachelorette after all her one-liners....