I really didn't like the rhyming, you can do so much better than this... Especially the stanza's which had an AAAA rhyme pattern, it sounds way too forced. It really sounds like a modern day pop song, I don't know if that is what you were going for though. On the bright side, it was original and had good flow.

Wow, thanks didn't feel that this would get positive feedback, even tough I enjoyed writing this and I'm personally happy with the end product, I thought the rhyming would be disliked and everyone tell me I've got a bit of "Ant-Kiedis" syndrome

Wow, thanks didn't feel that this would get positive feedback, even tough I enjoyed writing this and I'm personally happy with the end product, I thought the rhyming would be disliked and everyone tell me I've got a bit of "Ant-Kiedis" syndrome

But wow, thanks alot.

no prob, personally i like the ant-kiedis syndrome.. despite how bad some of the rhymes are (like in "around the world)... it always makes for a good song to groove to, if you can come up with decent music to back it up, and deliver it decently it'll be sweet IMO...

hey mani like the rhyming, like the words, this is a real good piece. unlike the rest i like the AAAA scheme, just rhyme like youre a rapper man.everyone says i write 'emo rap' because i rhyme a lot, its cool.loved it man.

I'm alive without an animatorHeld up with no motivatorGot my map without a designatorOut of gas where's my generator

That rhyming scheme was a bit iffy - as I got closer to the end it, in all honesty, became tiring - although the words you used weren't that bad.

Where to go when you just don't know Where to go when you go so slow

Nice little refrain/interluse/take your pick. You kept the syllable count the same for both lines whihc helps immensely when it's just two lines.

Got a dream but my visions hazyI'm trying so please don't phase mePulling weights so I don't go crazySet the scene just like Scorsese

That Scorsese line, although good, seems a little like you couldn't find another rhyme so you thought of a famous person and ended up with him. Although it appears to work, it's not the best way to go about writing - although I'm only assuming that that's what you did.

Call out my nameTell me where I'm heading forCall out my nameTell me what I'm playing forCall out my nameTell me that I'm needing moreCall out my name

You've got away with rhyming "for" with itself by rhyming the preceding word of each "for". Come to think of it, you've done it with all three, so it looks as if that was intentional, so well done with that respect.

Going strong I find the cat's eyesPicked a path I hope you despiseGone alone packed full my suppliesWon the race so I won the prizeThat last line doesn't have enough syllables; it creates an unnatural lengthening in the words "I won" - for me anyway. Apart from that, a good stanza.

Where to go...go so slow

Straight away you...lights me up

Call out my...out my name

And Straight...Lights me up

It wasn't a bad song, per se, but it wasn't that memorable either. The rhyming was driving me insane by the end of it.

I'm a little divided on this one.While the contemporary radio-song feel makes me nauseous, I also realize that this is spot-on for the style...

Opinions aside:1) AAAA is murderous... except for in this style. I'd normal complain, but, honestly, it gives the delivery and flow an extra kick, which is perfect for your high-energy-type song. My only criticism here is that some of your rhymes are forced, as they seem disconnected from the rest of the verse's message. The "set the scene..." line, especially, is guilty of smelling o' force.2) I really thought more internal rhyming might just kick it into overdrive - I'm not sure if it'd come off being too much, but my suggestion is to try it and see if that compounds the energy of the song.3) It's simple, but that actually works. What does need to be sharpened is the voice. Again, some of the imagery is disjointed from the greater picture, which gives the voice this omniscient feel (and voice ought to be limited to "mortals only", in that sense).4) Maybe, just maybe, tweak and slip in some more "loaded" words - the ones with connotations that make an informed audience member smirk, 'cause you've gotten sneaky with your words... It works for the better quality pop-ish lyricists, at least (make the song so it wears a mask well - I suppose I should say).

hey mani like the rhyming, like the words, this is a real good piece. unlike the rest i like the AAAA scheme, just rhyme like youre a rapper man.everyone says i write 'emo rap' because i rhyme a lot, its cool.loved it man.

yeah man, its not a cool or original rhyme scheme but i agree that it works, nice song

look, i like it, but its so repeatitive...and for a while it just sounds like you randomly put ryhming words together lol....you could kick some anal if you put some better words to replace lame ones and then broke it up a little to stop the repeatative thing....but other than that, great mankeep on keepin on!

Hey Jammy been gone for a while, im bored and feel like full critting i havent read the other comments though so i may just be repeating what they said but oh well.

Quote by Jammydude44

I can see the critiscm now...

Ah well. Rip into this one with your full weight if you want. Slaughter it. I like it, personally, but I think I now what you lot are going to bring up and say

Honesty is the best policy though. Go for it.

LEAVE A LINK if you want me to comment on one of your pieces

Enjoy

I'm alive without an animatorHeld up with no motivatorGot my map without a designatorOut of gas where's my generator

bleh aaaa boring. 3rd line is worst out of all 4. its just... not a good way to start.

Where to go when you just don't know Where to go when you go so slow

i dont like the repeat in the second line here. Maybe phrase it where to go when you run so slow or something like that but id change "go" (second one.)

Got a dream but my visions hazyI'm trying so please don't phase mePulling weights so I don't go crazySet the scene just like Scorsese

mmkay. last line ... doesnt work in my opinion especially cause if u havent heard of scorsese your not going to be able to pronounce it and it ruins flow. of course you would be saying it if this is a song, but as reading it as a poem thats how i feel.

that out of gas, wheres my generator part didnt make sence. it sounds like you rushed yourself while writing the lyrics. take some more time and revise them when youre in the mood to write again. forcing yourself to write is a really bad thing, so just do it when it happenes to strike your mood.

as a suggestion-- when you get a few really good lines in your head, but you dont have anything else for the song, write it down in a black notebook. the black brings out your subconcious mind, and enables you to write without thinking about distracting things. it gets to the meaning, and you can go back later and re word it. then, when you feel like writting again, but dont know where to start, you can use the already written stuff as a guide, and finish the song.