Neill Cumpston

Man, I wish Neill had been at BNAT with us this year, but he's off being a movie star these days. Yeah, that's right. Neill Cumpston is making a series of buddy cop films with Jamie Foxx. They're shooting nine of them back-to-back, and they'll release one every three weeks. Or maybe not. I'm not really sure at this point. All I know is, this man's busy. And let's face it. This is the only review you really care about. I’m just about finished with mine finally, and now that I’ve read this... it all seems so empty...

HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS

Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like they’re trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it’s Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond gay to where they’re paying old people to take a dump on them.

Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK, the Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third X-Men movie had come out this summer it probably would have been some crippled crock of crap where Wheelchair Charlie traps Fuck Yeah Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap where Wolverine thinks he’s a time traveler from a hundred years ago romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New York. Of course, the X-Men movie would try to redeem itself in the third act by having Wolverine realize it’s a mind-illusion and cut Meg’s head off and play dodgeball with it, but it would be too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen.

But guess what? One movie series turned that rule on its head. One 3-movie series said, “Wait a minute, we’re going to make the 3rd movie SO tits it will make the FIRST two movies look gay.”

I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that’s the movie I was talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you’ll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie.

It’s also, thank fucking God, LOUD. Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts you’ll take it off because I swear to fucking Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going to come from, or when something big is going to crunch someone’s skull while you picture that person getting their skull crushed is really your neighbor upstairs that plays Dido all day or that dude at the Starbucks who’s always reading and looking all smart.

Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and I think it’s almost four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all pencil sketches of the characters, which I think means they ran out of money). So if you bring some chick who’s all like, “I have a spinning class tomorrow” or “I’m thirsty” tell her to go home and watch Gay Dudes and the Straight Guy because this movie takes fucking commitment. I saw the one dude in front of me who was with this girl, and the President of Warner Brothers came out and said, “This movie is three hours and twenty minutes,” and before I could say, “So what, gaylord” the chick says to the dude she’s with that she has to GO. And he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE it even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably could have made out with her, but he was like, “I’m going make out with this movie,” that’s how good it is. See ya, hottie.

This movie starts with the origin of Golem – that creepy guy who looks like Iggy Pop and wears Tarzan pants and wants the invisible-ring. He’s still on a quest with the two hobbits - Rudy from the film RUDY and Fredo - to throw the ring into a volcano (this is like a serious version of JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO). The ring is also evil but you keep thinking, while you watch it, that someone should put it on and check out some boobs. I have a feeling those scenes will be in the DVDs.

At the same time, the two other midget-men and the giant hippies have seriously fucked up that one evil guy’s tower (he was Count Duke in Star Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II), and they hook back up with Magneto, and also that chick with the bow and arrows and finally the Giant Midget with the Axe. Oh, and also that I Don’t Want to be the King/I Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there’s a lot of lines like, “Rohan shall ride!” and “Gondor still stands!” and “Flabadan Son of Rectum must wear the mantle of Bloggith!” and also there’s some shit with the elves that’s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes.

But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE OF SHIT-YOUR-PANTS, which isn’t the actual name of the battle but SHOULD be because you will shit stuff you did not eat when you see it.

It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men takes this orb from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowing eye’s plan (or part of it – something about a tree dying and Enya music playing). So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. There’s this one medium-sized battle in a city that is like the last line of defense for the Big-Ass White City and it’s pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and these huge flying bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the dudes riding them and fuck them up from the floor up. They’re really loud, too, and a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears.

Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer to the volcano, and Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave where there’s a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because even in real life giant spiders are bad news.

Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually happens in the second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what? Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn’t have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting these books, and now the movies are so kick-ass that some people are going to go back and READ the books, which wouldn’t have happened if he’d just filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now, smarty?

Let me give you an example of how NOT to make books into movies:

This summer a huge bucket of farts came out called LEAGUE OF ADVENTURE GENTLEMEN. It was about how a bunch of characters from old-timey books got together and fucked up bad guys. And NO ONE SAW IT. Why?

First, they picked a bunch of characters like Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde and Dracula-Woman and Huck Finn. These are all characters from books that were written five hundred years ago. Huck Finn was actually written before writing. These are the kind of books they make you read in summer school but you’re all like, “Fuck you, I’m going to play Sonic on my Sega” and you totally complete all the levels by August. So who the fuck is going to go see a movie about characters and people they’ve never heard of (the movie acts like you’re supposed to know who these people are)? Like I said before, MOVIES are the new books, so how about this for a movie (I even thought of a good title):

___________________________________________________

TEAM 1970’S FOOT-TO-ASSERS

The movie opens: A cult killer tries to assassinate Chauncey Gardiner, the President of the United States. Before the brainwashed assassin dies he gasps the word, “Cyrus” and takes a poison pill.

Senator John “Bluto” Blutarsky forms a super-team to infiltrate New York and take down the “Cyrus” cult. This team is made up of “Bruce” (from ENTER THE DRAGON), “Dirty” Harry Callahan, a now-teenaged Regan MacNeill (who is a stone boner machine and also has devil powers), “Quint” from JAWS, who’s upper torso washed ashore after the shark attacked him, and who has now been made bionic by Oscar Goldman and OSI, and finally Beau “The Bandit” Durville, who’s driving his Trans Am.

They enter New York with the Bandit driving like a fucking maniac, and Dirty Harry shooting people out the window and Regan making people’s heads explode and shit. Wow!

They get to the center of the Cyrus Cult headquarters in the middle of Central Park and confront Cyrus. He’s controlling his subjects with a glowing Chevy Malibu. Bruce goes totally Jackie Chan on everyone while Harry and the Bandit battle their way to the car. Quint dies bringing down all the cult killers, and they drive off with the Malibu. They also find out that Cyrus was trained by the Parallax Corporation.

Back at the White House, they get their next assignment. They must take down the Parallax Corporation, which is being run by Gregory Marmalarde. They are creating an Army of brainwashed super-killers at their facility at Crystal Lake. These new killers are indestructible and a step above the cult killers of Cyrus. For this phase of the mission they are joined by CIA agent Vincent J. Ricardo (from THE IN-LAWS) and off they go.

They blast their way into Parallax Headquarters, only to find their way blocked by the new generation of super-killers – hockey-mask wearing motherfuckers who have all undergone the “Vorhees treatment”. Bruce and Regan take on the killers, while Harry and Vincent go for Marmalarde. That’s when he reveals his newest, greatest killer – New York taxi driver Travis Bickle, who’s undergone the “Vorhees treatment” and is a virtual arsenal of different guns, knives – all of which appear from his wrists, chest, even eyes. Bickle killed Marmalarde’s frat brother Douglas Neidermeyer in Vietnam. Harry dies fighting Bickle, but not before killing Marmalarde. Ricardo searches the Parallax files, only to find that Parallax is only a tiny part of a much bigger, much more evil power – the Thorne Corporation, run by Damien Thorne. He has a huge facility in the Nevada desert, near Area 51.

Their final mission is to deliver the Chevy Malibu to Area 51. The Chevy contains a weapon which can defeat Thorne’s final plan.

Thorne’s compound is patrolled and protected by driverless trucks from DUEL and a bunch of those devil limousines from THE CAR. Two teams are sent in – The Bandit, driving his Trans Am with Regan and Bruce, and another driver named “Kowalski”, who will drive the Malibu along with Ricardo.

They battle their way through the devil trucks and demon limos until they penetrate Thorne’s headquarters. He’s got every character from every boring-ass indie film in the last twenty years strapped to posts in this huge chamber full of leather-y ALIEN eggs. The eggs are hatching and putting face huggers on the douche bags from WALKING AND TALKING and SEX, LIES AND VIDEOTAPES and CHASING AMY and everyone from every Henry Jaglom film ever made and killing them.

There’s nothing anyone can do – they have to stand and watch while all of these characters are slowly and horrible killed before our eyes, and they hatch into Aliens. That’s when “Kowalski” opens the trunk of the Malibu to reveal: ROY NEARY, JR. This is the half-human/half-alien offspring of Roy Neary from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and he starts going outer space whup-ass on the aliens along with Bruce Lee. The Bandit looks at the camera, winks, and smiles. (There can be a lot of shots during the closing credits of The Bandit cracking up).

Ricardo and Regan work their way to Thorne’s headquarters where there’s this huge demon battle between Regan MacNeill and Damien Thorne that will make the audience go, “We need new words for ‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT’”.

___________________________________________________

See? Use characters from movies thirty years ago, instead of from books five hundred years ago. And by the way, that’s only using characters from 70’s films. I also have plans for an 80’s team of ass-kickers and a 90’s team. Everyone who was into movies from before 1969 is dead, and we’d actually better hurry with the 70’s thing, now that I think of it. Also, I totally copy-wrote this with the Writer’s Society, and I also know a 400 pound man who will man-rape anyone who makes this movie without me.

Okay, back to HOBBIT-MAN, although at this point it’s just wall-to-wall awesome. The Battle for the White Mountain City has trolls and elephants and catapults and a battering ram that looks like a dragon head on fire. Also, earlier Gandalf scares off the flying bats-things with his glowing staff. In the battle for the White Mountain City Gandalf just runs around giving orders. How about turning the bad guys into babies or something with his staff? But that would actually cut down on the ass-kicking so, actually, fine.

The I Don’t Want to Be The King Guy gets a bunch of ghost warriors to fight, and that’s just awesome when it happens, and also the elf chick with the bow takes down an elephant all by herself, and the Giant Midget keeps killing people with his axe.

Then when THAT battle’s over and you’re thinking, “Just air comes out when I spooge now” they stage a whole OTHER battle at Evil Town to distract the orks so Golem and Rudy and Fredo can get to the volcano. And I won’t reveal what happens in the volcano except to say it involves Fredo and Rudy getting right to the very edge, but at the last second Fredo turns evil and decides not to throw the ring in, and puts it on instead so he turns invisible, buy Iggy shows up and bites off Fredo’s finger and Iggy falls with the ring into the lava and Evil Town is completely destroyed. You will have to find out the rest for yourselves. I hate spoilers.

You can totally leave at this point but there’s an extra half hour of everyone relaxing and going home and being happy and I guess they put that in so you can realize your pants are choked with poop from all the battle scenes, so thanks.

There’s also an Annie Lennox song over the closing credits. ????? How about Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On”, which is where they got the name Golem, or “Ain’t Talking ‘Bout Love” by Van Halen?

Peter Jackson has proved with these films that he is the man to bring A-TEAM to the screen. Five stars. Best movie of the next four years.

Neill, it’s been too long since I’ve gotten a good whiff of the crazy off of you. Give me a call later so we can talk about our unnatural hobbit love. And thanks a million for the review, buddy.

Why you ask? Because this dumb motherfucker decides to start bashing other movies to get his point across. Why must you be so insecure about Peter Jack$on'$ trilogy, that you have to bad mouth other movies in the process? Are they unable to stand on their own? Sure seems that way after reading all the crap this site has been running in that past few weeks.

Giving the Finger
> >
> > Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
> > victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of
> > all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would
> > be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be
> > incapable of fighting in the future.
> >
> > This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the
> > act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or
> > "pluck yew").
> >
> > Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major
> > upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at
> > the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK
> > YEW!"
> >
> > Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult
> > consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
> > labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in
> > conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to
> > have something to do with an intimate encounter.
> >
> > It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with
> > the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

I've been multiple posting this in the LotR threads, in case that bothers anyone. At any rate, enjoy -http://www.themoviebox.net/movies/2003/Lord-of-the-Rings_ROTK/trailer-page.html - Scroll to the bottom...more spoiler-ish than the nine minutes that are already floating around.

Harry - You really need to put this guy on the payroll. Or give him more sugar.
This was the funniest review I have read on this site ever.
"TEAM 1970 FOOT-TO-ASSERS" will fucking rock in 2008! Shit, I smell People's Choice all over it!

That is some seriously deranged musings. What do you think...Neil Cumdumpster=Ashton Kutcher? That is what I thought an Ashton review would be, but the more I think about it, all the references to the seventies makes me think that it could be Ashton's big brother. Or John Belushi's retarted love child.

Three words: President Chauncey Gardiner. Oh, and when I read "You will shit stuff you did not eat," I had to climb up on a cross in my living room like Peter O'Toole in The Ruling Class, hang my head on my chest, and laugh until blood came rushing down my face.

Sometimes I like to laugh...
This review made me laugh almost as much as the Superfriends stuff on seanbaby.com
I can't can't can't can't can't can't wait for this movie, but will probably cry and cry when its over. My only hope is amnesia so I can discover these films again...

The work day was stinking like an uncovered 2 week old mass grave, but Herr Cumpston's review had me giggling so hard, I could barely talk to Amigo Ted about how hard it was making him giggle. Yes, this was today's highlight. At least until Paris Hilton makes me pity rich people tonight. Said, ain't it?

Damn, could this review have been dumber? A homophobe who's obsessed with cocks and guys' asses (is there really any other type of homophobe?) proving that he can say shit more than a very special episode of "South Park" is not very impressive in my book. Try learning how to speak before you write a review next time.

Neil...I bow at the altar of your idiosyncratic reviews. Fredo, Rudy and Golem! Tell it like it is BOY and a pox on everyone who hated it and took the effort to finish reading it and then mock in the TB. "Why do you have to make fun of others to get your point across, can't you play nice with all the other little kids?" I say Bugger Mr. Rogers if you don't get it and read the Grudge Report or something.

I'd like to see a claymation show a la Celebrity Deathmatch where iconic pop culture figures are paired together to duel with other notable villains of film and TV in "Take Over The World" plots. The camp combinations are staggering. As far as the review, I chose not to be disturbed by his pre-1969 references and post MTV psyche. I concentrated on the more enthusiastic aspects of the review.

This guy is so funny that there is simply NO WAY he is just another dipshit Gen-Y basement troll talk-backer. This is satire, folks. I'm guessing Cumpston's secret identity is either Moriarty (the obvious choice) or some other Hollywood writer-type. The jealousy the anti-Cumpstons feel ("THIS IS THE WORST REVIEW EVER", that sort of thing) about this guy getting quoted in a Peter Travers review shouldn't worry: My bet, based on the quality of this guy's writing, is that he's a long-since established writer or film journalist.

It's scary to read all the negative criticism of this review. Find a sense of humor people. Did this fanboy loser site have that much integrity to lose in the first place? It's here for us to have fun, not raise your damn blood pressure.

Funny,funny shit.There's 100 other reviews of this already on here,so all of you without a sense of humor go check 'em out & let the rest of us enjoy what little comedy gets on here these days.Everyone who cries every time the Star Wars & Matrix films get mentioned should realize that anytime you get anything so hyped up,especially 3 different sets within the same time period,there's gonna be comparisons.Doesn't matter if it's books,tv shows,movies,athletes,etc.,it's gonna happen.Add the fact that 2 of the 3 are widely considered to have ended with a whimper or never got started,& of course people are gonna reference them if they think this one is different.Whether you agree or think it's right or wrong,that's life.

Funny how Cumpston beats the blogg tools at their own game. This review is retecent of something from Jay (Bluntman and Chronic style) it reeks of an insane comic genius working out his style. You know Neil gave some good thought and sat a computer giggling to himself before he wrote that, much like Fishy Kotex does, or TheKop, or Fett, or ...well you get the point, however the difference is that Neil is a crack up. Thanks for always bringing his insanity Mori.

Why does everyone insist on preatending they're so above it all? This isn't a review for an Adam Sandler movie for God's sake. "This is like a serious version of JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO", and the best metaphor for ass kicking i've heard in a long time "ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball stomp". Anyone who has one of those "can of whoopass" shirts can just go ahead and start washing their car with it. They weren't that great to begin with.

Maybe this is how he works some issues outMy theory has always been that it is just Moriarty himself pulling an Andy Kaufman and enjoying the sheer lunacy of getting to play an insane alter ego online. Who knows?

Very funny review with a few great one-liners and lots of wasted profanity and scatology. Anyone who takes it seriously enough to be offended is missing the point, as is anyone who took it seriously enough to flame the people who were offended. Next TB....

"ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp." - absolutely unreal!!!! darth_inedible, et. al. - sociology, philosophy, film/art appreciation 101 at the local CC don't make you high-brow, nor does AP english at st. uppity's high...get over yourselves.

cuz although matrix was not a movie everyone can like, it allowed you to make that decision for yourself. it never said it was gonna be the end all action film, it was what it was and showed you things you never saw before.
The one that you ALL should be getting on is george lucas piece of shit adaption of episode 1 and 2 which absolutly suck SHIT. That movie makes its audience feel stupid, it doesn't respect it's fans, THATS the movie you should hate on.

No one thinks you're special because you're above his brand of humor. Either you read it or you don't, but please don't lecture us on how his "act is old" or he's "an idiot moviegoer." Ummm....that's the point! "But it's too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the movie screen"...that's funny shit.

Of course now comes the part when all these wounded animals say "no I will not stop saying these reviews are played out and you suck more than me! Man, do I have a big dick!" If he's ignorant for writing this review and we're ignorant for reading it, you're ignorant for failing to realize nobody gives a shit about your supercilious posts. If his reviews weren't something of an attraction none of you bottom-feeders would even be here. Yet you read his played out reviews every time they're posted and make smarmy comments about how much they suck every time they're posted. So maybe Neill and I are sad and played out...but so is the Comic Book Guy mentality.

please tell me you're kidding with that ridiculous and tortured etymology for the word fuck. Go to yourdictionary.com or wordorigins.org to get the real story.
For starters, the French wouldn't really need to worry about captured English soldiers firing longbows, would they? So why cut off the fingers? Surely even the French would know to disarm their captive enemies. Also, while Yew was preferred, it was in short supply and often replaced with Wych Elm, Elm and Ash...
'Pluck yew'? That's what you're going with?

I just hope (and suspect) there is more in Neill's cranium than this review suggests! Oh, as reviews go it's also in the same league as the one where the horny chick referred to Legolas as Bow Guy throughout (and hardly to anyone else!)
Anyone feel safe breaking the news to Neill that Orlando is a guy? I sure hope Neill never comes to New Orleans for Carnival; he's gonna wake up next to somebody who never had ovaries if he does.

He sounds like the guy on The Mr. Show website that sends Patton Oswalt his screenplays - Erik Blevins - and his Slade Riptide "treatments."
check it out...
http://www.bobanddavid.com/section_talent_blevins_slade_hellfire1.html

I agree that some of the "offended" people here are morons. I once posted a review in which I bashed a movie. In my review I wrote the ending was so confusing even someone intelligent like me, with an IQ of 27, couldn't figure it out. And you wouldn't believe how many talkbackers criticized me for being cocky. Some people are just too stupid to understand satire, like another talkbacker mentioned.

when a hilarious, and obviously appreciative review of this film comes along. no, LOTR fans (or "complete lifeless nerds") insist that a proper "respectful" review be written, since the films and books are such "genius". get over it, you pimple faced shut ins, this guy (hopefully David Cross) obviously loved the film and was writing a deliberately moronic review. if any of you had the brains to read between the lines, you could clearly tell that the review was written to acknowledge the value the writer thought existed in the film, while still maintaining an air of deliberate lunacy.
like i've said all along, the LOTR fans are the worst. SW, Matrix, Trek fans got nothing on you guys. when it comes to being complete and utter opinionated nerds, the LOTR crowd wins hands down.

I put it right under his review of "Matrix: You Will Shit!" He loses points for actually seeing the movie this time.
"Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts..."
" that dude at the Starbucks who

First time posting here. I loved that review, made me laugh sooo much, and look forward to the film. The most entertaining thing ive read on this site in months (and the reason i decided to post for the first time ever lol)

Check out the link for yourself:
http://www.bobanddavid.com/section_talent_blevins_slade_hellfire1.html
Someone needs to hire this guy. Matter of fact, "The Simpsons" could use someone funny. The last couple of seasons have been pretty flat.

I don;t know about you guys, But I wanna fucking see the movies from the other decades! How about this: 80's- Batman, Axel Foley, The Ghostbusters, and John Rambo all team up to fight this Neo-Nazi regime, and just when they're about to get their asses kicked, Maverick shows up with Indiana Jones in his Time-travel Jet with Marty McFly and Doc Brown to take them back to the fourties and stop the Nazi's from ever coming to power! 90's- Good Terminator, Vince and Jules, Sam Gerard, The Ninja Turtles, Will Hunting, Curly, and Hannibal Lecter all team up against fucking cloned Dinosaurs created by that motherfucher Bob Sugar who has teamed up with The Blair Witch and those three fucking ghosts from Casper, only to meet the mutated Ninja Turtles and wail ass on everything? Sound good? I know im missing a bunch of icons, but so was Neill.

I've seen one of my best friends go through that gay-bashing shit, I know it isn't funny. But that review isn't a rant against homosexuality. I seriously doubt that the esteemed Mr Cumpston goes home and sticks pins in voodoo dolls of gay people. He's quite obviously writing the review in character, and the character is a lunatic adrenaline-junkie, Sprite-drinking, tits-obsessed, walking penis with the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly. The homophobia, sexism, and complete disdain for anything that doesn't give him perpetually renewed orgasmic pleasure is just an act through which to communicate his love for a film. And the word "gay" doesn't just mean "homosexual" - it's become just another word for "crap", and that usage is how I read most of his review. I've even heard gay people use the word in that context - every gay person I've met seems to have a sense of humour about it. I love reading, but I know Neill wasn't attacking me when he said that books suck. He wrote it, it doesn't mean he believes it, it doesn't mean anyone else believes it because he said so, and it doesn't mean it's true. It's just something funny on the internet. The mad bastard made me belly-laugh several times, and I think he's an ingenious and extraordinarily funny writer. But I was never once convinced that the Neill Cumpston I might pass on the street is the same guy who wrote the review, I never once felt offended for anyone I know who is female/gay/a Star Wars fan, and I don't see any neo-Nazi homophobe groups getting any new members tomorrow because of him. It's just a bit of fun, dammit!

I may regret not learning to play the piano. I may regret not spending more time in the mountains. I may regret not taking better care of my health. But I won't regret not redesigning my life to placate your damn feelings. Believe me. There is entirely too much of that going around, and I am happy to not contribute to it. If a thing is funny, it is funny. I will not edit my response to it. I don't particularly care what you think of me. Why do you care what I think of you?

Actualy it's only the forks (2 fingers up) that comes from the archers of the Hundred years wars. The rest of the story is made up but sounds good so people repeat it as fact. I don't know if you give forks in USA (they do in UK OZ NZ etc.). It's the reverse of the peace sign. In some middle eastern countries they do the same gesture with the thumb wraped around the finger which is how they shoot bow (horse archer style)there.

Listen, I'm a fag myself, and if you can't step back from your tender sensibilites long enough to appreciate how fucking hilarious this review is, it's your loss! Just for the record, let me offer a quote from the Roman poet and satirist Juvenal (no, not the Cash Money rapper), born, oh, one thousand, nine hundred and forty-some years ago... just you wilting lilies can see there's "nothing new under the sun" (to quote another wise ancient): ....."Northward beyond the Laps to the frozen Polar ice-cap
is where I long to escape when I hear high moral discourse
from raging queens who affect ancestral peasant virtues.
An ignorant crowd, too, despite those plaster busts
of Stoic philosophers on display in their houses:
intellectual perfection in their case means hanging up
some original portrait--Aristotle, or one of the Seven Sages.
Appearances are deceptive: every back street abounds
with solemn faced humbuggers. You're castigating vice,
you, the most notable dyke among all our Socratic fairies?"
So see, Neil Cumpston is actually part of a tradition of bawdy, nasty, sexually insensitive humor going back thousands of years.

God, I TRULY PISSED myself while laughing uncontrolably at this review. This guy should have a website or a comedy album. God, it's the new ways of saying the same old cliches that makes your work so BRILLIANT Neill. If I were gay, I'd kiss you. But I'm not. So, no kisses for you. From me at least. PLEASE REVIEW ANOTHER FILM!

Wow. I don't normally get upset over the use of "gay" as a negative in certain types of speech, being a card-carrying liberal lesbian as well as a pretty skilled satirist myself, but when one keeps going back to the same well several times, the only conclusion I can draw is that they are VERY thirsty, indeed! It's a joke the first time you use it. It's tedium the second time. It's obnoxious the third time, and it's offensive after that. Not merely because it offends my sensibilities as a girl fag, but because it's just such incalculably LOW humor. It's like something off of "The Family Guy." but without all the subtlety of their rapid-fire shit and fart jokes and tired pop culture references. This isn't a funny "review" at all. It's low fratboy humor, and by "low" I mean "ain't it funny to gang rape a cheerleader" kind of low. I mean "let's tie a fag to a fencepost and leave him there" low. It's only funny to people who derrive enjoyment out of other people's suffering. There's a difference between the uses of "gay" and "homo" in Kevin Smith movies, and the usage here. Even if this is "in character" it goes way over the line of good taste, tact, or even wit. I know wit, and this is not wit. This is crass humor that would probably even make Don Rickles want to disavow any kinship to the author. I can tell a good fag joke with the best of `em (If you want a good gay joke, just go into a gay bar, darlings. Half of them will tell you one, and the other half ARE one!) but there's a difference between a good joke and a cheap pop, and this little essay was full of cheap pops. He might as well have started with "can I get a round of applause from all the mooks in the room?" and ended with a sampling of the best of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck..."

I hate to break the news to you, but the word "gay" doesn't just mean homosexual. For a while it did, and nobody used it except when speaking of homosexuals. But now that homosexuals are much more public and accepted, it's taken on more of a cartoonish suggestion of being "non-masculine," "soft," "dainty," or in Neill's case anything that is not ultra-violent or even has a hint of depth or sensitivity (which is what makes it so totally absurd and, to many of us, funny). There is such a thing called context. Also, I suppose I should include the normal disclaimer that I am not homophobic, I work out at a gym with many homosexuals, have gay friends, etc. Just because you take offense to a term, doesn't mean that it was meant to offend you. It might just mean that you are overly sensitive. Please lighten up. The whole world is not against you. Hope this helps.

Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time some racist, sexist, or bigoted person referred to me as their "friend" to justify their use of hate speech, I'd be able to buy a night buried in Madonna's snatch. Don't tell me how you have all these "gay friends"... Instead, why don't you just go up to one of your gay "friends" and say "Hey! Howya doin' fag? Don't any of you gaymos look at my package, now! Ha ha ha! Ain't it grand that we're friends and I can insult you without feeling guilty about it?" I will restate my point: This review was low frat-boy humor written by someone who finds constant references to bodily functions hilarious. Anybody who laughed at this shit is obviously not done cooking yet, and needs to pop back into the oven to mature a bit more.

Can't wait to see ROTK. By the way, Dutch TV reported that The Hobbit is scheduled for shooting early 2006 and release later that year. App. PJ has signed, but I don't beleave that.
Can't wait to see that 1970's flick. Maybe something for QT to direct.

I'll grant you this: it WAS a funny review. The man has a knack for scatology, the humor beloved by all True Men on this planet. I would laugh my ass off in a bar at this guy's rant, and feel only vaguely ashamed that I didn't object to the hate speech because I don't want to look like a whining wiener in front of the guys. This was not ome spontanious bar rap, though. This was written and plotted and presented with pride in print, and I have no choice but to respond. Look at what I'm forced to accept between laughs. Have you ever objected to racist jokes told to you by some beetle-browed hate monger who feels safe to share his ignorance with you simply because you are both caucasian? I HATE that. The man who does that forces me to either laugh along with putrid noncognisant crap or turn into a crusader for truth to some clown who stopped thinking long ago. This used to happen to me all the time, but finally FINALLY most people I know get it that racism is ignorance of the profoundest and highest order. I submit that homophobia falls into the same catagory. The casual tossing off of anti-gay "witticisms" is pervasive in male circles, and destructive to the humanity in us all. This forum is too short to write a treatise on the topic, but to dismiss the truism that words have power, and hate speech has negative consequences, is simply to revel and wallow in crassness. This, unfortunately, is half the fun of this forum. Enjoy your crassness, guys. Poop to your heart's content, but don't do it at the expense of an entire group of homo sapiens that you happen not to belong to. That is thick headed hate.

Why bother with the "I read part of this review and hated it" BS? How about this:
If you're one of those, "This site sucks. Harry is a sellout" mother fuckers, then go ELSEWHERE. I have no fucking clue why you retards keep coming back for the sake of complaining.

Nasty stupid review and only funny to the drunk. Over the last three years, these films have exuded a ceratin Christmas magic for me and I love the little details (candles, shields and all that) This review is like looking at a photo of Santa Claus molesting a four-year old. And Gay still means homosexual, do you think that it's OK that gay designates SHIT or WORTHLESS of INADEQUATE. Fuck you, I bet you have a fat soft ass like a girl, spreading all over your rec-room swivel chair.

Actually, there is no word for "fuck" in Swedish that sounds remotely like it. Quick survey on the TB: how many of those who hated Neill's review are NOT Americans? Very few, I'd wager. Before you get on your high horses, let me just say that I'm an American myself. I'm just trying to illustrate something. For what it's worth, I thought it was hilarious. Satire -- no matter how crude, is still satire.

Quickly, let me point out that I DID think the review was funny. I did laugh . . . but it was despite myself. As a whole, I kept thinking . . . "is this guy for real? Did he just graduate from the third grade?!"
I'm Canadian, and I KNOW that if you listen to Jim Carrey and Mike Myers, you'd get the impression that we ALL love potty humour up in the Great White North (note the spelling of "humour" . . . the Canadian way!) . . . but the fact is that potty humour is for low brow folks, and I would hope to GOD that most of you are a bit higher on the totem pole of good taste then that!
Secondly, I've been reading tons of replies about homophobia and the disgusting nature of his comments. Well . . . all though I did find his comments homophobic, my distaste was increased by his mysogeny. TONS of women like Lord of the Rings. And TONS of women are SMARTER THEN YOU!! And they like movies just as much, if not more then you . . . and I'M a MAN saying this!
I mean . . . come ON! What are you thinking? You are posting on a public message board . . . a public website . . . why would you propigate such malice and malcontent? Do you have vagina envy? I think you wish you were a woman so that you could suck on male genitalia without a guily conscience.
No, what REALLY pissed me off about this post was the total disregard of anything created past 1969. I mean, what kind of ignorant garbage is that? How can this site endorse a view like that? It is just plain WRONG! LXG was a terrible movie, not because the characters are old . . . but because the FILM was bad. YES, your PRECIOUS "FILM AS GOD OF ALL ART" . . . THAT was the problem. Not the characters. Do you even know how COOL Dorian Grey is? Have you ever read Oscar Wilde's book about him? Have you ever READ Dracula? 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea? If you haven't, you should make time . . . because you'll probably have to get "Hooked on Phonics" first to improve your reading level.
I can see that you LOVE the action. You can't stand the dialogue parts of the film because you don't like philosophy. It is probably to hard a word for you to spell. Poo is easier . . . only two letters.
Here is the deal buddy: Action and War is not what this film is about. You may "love this film" but you don't understand it. In FACT you DISRESPECT it by joking about the characters and their names and the HEART OF THE STORY!! Oh . . . and Led Zep's "Ramble On" "Gollum" is based on the books, as is a good portion of "Stairway to Heaven" and "The Battle of Evermore" . . . oh and "Misty Mountain Hop" . . . I think even "Going to California" on that album as an allusion to Lord of the Rings.
This film is about the struggle of a man to fulfill his potential, about a woman who wants to be brave and have valor while she has youth and breath in her body, about two men of different races forming a bond and an example of friendship dispite past differences . . . and about the power of friendship in hard times. It is not about kick ass battle scenes. It is about people. If you don't like films about people, I can understand why you wouldn't like reading either . . . . because books are ALL about people and IDEAS. And ideas are something your are apparently afraid of . . . so you write cliche after cliche hoping that they will pass as good writing.
Sorry to inform you . . . but you are wrong . . . and I hope to GOD that the reviewers of tomorrow (and at 25 years old, hopefully I AM one of them) will be more literate and educated then you.
Go read some history . . . then tell me that the past doesn't matter . . . and you better do that before you support another president who wants to start World War III. (Which these movies are AGAINST . . .)

Why is it so hard for some of you to understand that this review is "in character", the same way Libby Gelman-Waxner's reviews are, and the Filthy Critic's, as well as the ones of Eagle Te, Zod and the rest of the freaks over at Night of the Creeps? Getting your undies in a wad over his crudeness and language is totally missing the point -- not to mention making you look like prats. Go to theonion.com and read the opinion columns. Maybe you'll learn something.

I hate comments like that, something along the lines of "The reviewer might think that he was being funny but too bad no one else does..." You presumptious fuck shut your mouth and try to speak for everyone!!! I thought the review was hilarious, and lots of others did!!!!

I was going to go off on a rant about how this is a review delivered in character, but DocPazuzu beat me to it. It's a fantastic character - like listening to Jay and Silent Bob review movies. It's meant to be satirical. The satire is of a ADD-addled pop-culture moron and the profanity and homophobia is part of the character... shit. Forget it. It's not up to me to tell you what your sense of humour should be about. I just want to say that it's fucking hilarious and that the guy's a comedy genius. That's all.

I can't believe some people take this guy seriously.
The funniest part of this talk-back was the poster who wrote an entire thesis on why they thought Moriarty was gay, not realizing that it was Neil who wrote the "gay bashing" review.
What I like so much about Neil (as a character) is what he represents.
To me he's every kid who hates to read b/c it's not cool. He embodies the shallow, uneducated, pop-culture bred mallrat who only goes to the movies to experience the cheap thrills they offer.
Not that ROTK is just cheap thrills but I can think of several teenage cousins of mine that will see that film and only take with them the coolness of the action scenes and none of the important stuff.
What makes Neil so funny is how unbelievable he is. It's like the guy took all the quirks and immaturities of every teenager in the US and rolled it up into one Over-the-Top sychophant.
Hat's off to the creator of Neil.
And to everyone who was offended by his review, grow up. Everyone has a right to say whatever they want. It's called free speech. And whether it's parody or not it's really up to how you want to take it, but to bitch and whine and insist that this guy not be allowd to post his review is hypocritical and oppressive. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. And yes, everyone has a right to bash another person's opinion.
And as far as hate speech goes, I didn't see any of you homosexuals (for lack of a standard PC term) insisting that some of our fellow posters be banned for all the anti-Christian "hate speech" that's been on talk-backs recently. As I understand, freedom of religion is just as much a protected right as sexual orientation, is it not?
Over the last few days, I've read about how Christians massacred the world and how Christians are stupid and how Christians are <insert insult here>, but did anyone call on the "jerkwad" AICN guidelines and how they should be enforced? Um... no.
So it would seem that it's ok to bash people for being Christian or (as in the case above) heterosexual, or white (see various movies such as Shanghai Noon:"at least he's not a white guy"), but if you go anywhere near minorities, gays, non-Christian based religous groups, you are auto-branded a racist, or a bigot, or ignorant or <insert insult here>.
It all goes back to Free Speech. Everyone has a right to voice their opinion. If you don't like it, don't read it, or better yet, talk back!
But don't go carrying the PC torch trying to silence people with opinions different from yours. That "Aint Cool."

Yes, it is curious how us "bigots" always seem to have black/gay/female friends, isn't it? Makes me wonder if it's actually true, and we're not bigots after all, just folks with a certain second-hand kind of perspective on things, which isn't as good as first-hand, but close. For the record, Holly, my best friend is a lesbian and something of a satirist herself. I'm not using a vague acquaintance to try and make my opinion sound more informed - she really is my best friend. She's also comfortable enough with her sexuality not to take it too seriously, just like I don't take being straight too seriously. I don't make fun of gay people. I'm sorry to say I used to, but I don't anymore. It's stupid. I know what it's like to hear people gay-bashing and have that moment where I think "Am I going to laugh at this? Am I going to say, wait a second, that's offensive? Is it worth the effort this time?" But the review was fucking hilarious, and I didn't take a single word of it as gay-bashing. Okay, when I read the first few lines I thought "Hmm, he's got issues," but after being tedious, and obnoxious, and offensive, like you say, any power the word "gay" may have had is obliterated simply because Mr Cumpston uses it so often. I realised pretty quickly that he was taking the piss. He wasn't making fun of gays because "it's funny to upset fags," he's making fun of gays because there's something intrinsically comedic (and tragic) about the ignorant arseholes who do so. That was the character in which he wrote this review. He was inviting people to laugh at him and his opinions as well as lines like "a Wall-Mart that only sells ball-stomp". And might I point out, nobody on this talkback seemed to care either way - I'm sure most of them got the joke - until someone took offence, and since then, every posting on the subject that's worth reading seems to have a balanced opinion. There are no dangerous ranting homophobes here. A predictably high percentage of us are geeks, and that's a minority, and believe me, we're used to being made fun of. But you'll still find us taking our geekdom with a pinch of salt. Please don't take offence, Holly. There was none intended.

Loud movies kick ass... so do bright shiny things.... so pretty... I spent three fucking hours watching The Two Towers in the theatre listening to some fat assed bloated from cake retention whore and his woman complaining to one another that '*snort* this theatre is too loud, its making my skull crack.. I'm bleeding all in my retainer'.. here's a tip you're going to see ANY Action/Adventure movie of any kind.. Its loud for a reason.. either embrace the decibels or go see fucking 'Honey'... lets turn that fucking amp up to 11 and weed out the people not in it for the ride.... oh and PS. FUCK is I think derived from the Swedish "Fokka" meaning compulate.. not 100% on that one though.. hey does that mean that the sequel to meet the parents will be called meet the swedish fucks? *BAMF*

In the course of two years the entire website has become a contest for the "foulest, cheapest, most juvenile, how-many-times-can-I-use-swearwords- review"- award. Where are the intelligent, heartfelt reviews that I used to come to this website for?
Moriarty, no: this review here did not suck, because this wasn't a review. This was the soapbox of a man who thinks he's cocky and funny, but who's really utterly unaware of what a movie is, and really doesn't understand the basics of humour anyway. I am really curious what you found in all this.
I think it's just lack of understanding hidden under much shouting and showing off.

Yeah I know we mainly just get a what-happened report...but that is the funniest review I have ever read on AICN (and I have been reading since before the BROWN..you know when Harry used AT LEAST three exclaimation marks for each post)
Loved it! One to savour

I thought the review was funny, personally - but I can understand why some people didn't enjoy it.
So I'd like to make the following proposal for those people who were offended:
Don't read reviews from this guy any more. That way, you won't be offended, but those of us who AREN'T offended can get a few laughs.
There... that settles it.
Your welcome.

And don't laugh at midgets, and don't laugh at fat people, and don't laugh at priggish people, and don't laugh at people's religious beliefs, and don't laugh when the safe falls on the coyote's head, don't laugh when someone says that the skinny kid has a small penis, and don't laugh when Scott Baio uses his "zapped" powers to rip the blouse off a coed with his mind. Humor should be positive and life-affirming. It should be little puns one exchanges with one's neighbor while playing cooperative volleyball. // Fuck that shit. It is plain to me that you people have no idea what humor actually IS. I will reiterate that the entire POINT of humor is that it releases you from the convention of decorum. The primary focus of decorum in our age is a relentless obsession with not giving offense. The only way to violate that convention, and to create humor, is therefore to GIVE offense, in one way or the other. No, I would not walk up to a gay man and say, "Hey, faggie fag!" But I also wouldn't drop a safe on his head. I wouldn't walk up to a straight man dressed in fatigues, jab a pipe through his chest and then into a furnace, and then say, "Hey, let off some steam!" The experience of finding something funny is pleasant precisely because it releases one [momentarily] from the stress of needing to concentrate on showing one's fellows excessive consideration. So play out your thymos games on some other subject.

That I give this thing power by typing these words defeats me. That this is review is funny is like saying Brittney Spears is a talented singer and performer. How have we come to using the most basic human-animal elements of sexuality, vulgarity and stupidity to stage as if it were some brilliantly conceived artistic expression. With that every monkey in a tree is an artist since like so many here all they want is to eat, fuck and toss shit about as a statement. Oh look, I was just then funny.

Maybe I'm giving this guy too much credit, but to me, he's attacking the people who make this kind of hate speech a common, every day part of their discourse--in other words, many of the people who read and post here at AICN. He's doing this by exagerrating the kind of casual use and acceptance of homophobic speech (as a substitute for vigorous, intellegent description) to such an extent that we HAVE no choice but to notice it. Now, some may laugh at the outrageousness, and miss the point. That's cool. One of the nice things about satire is that the satirist gets to laugh at the people who sit there laughing at his satire, and many of those people never realize they are, in fact, the target of that satire. Other folks may laugh and recognize what the author is doing. And still others will insist on taking the writer seriously, and miss the point entirely, which is that the writer is actually kind of working on their behalf. Just a thought.

In my humble opinion, this guy really gets it. By totally bastardizing the names, people and places in the movie, ridiculizing it, he has taken away the aura of hype that surrounds the movie while, at the same time, making us readers want to see it even more. What is even more cool is that I believe he did this intentionally. Congrats to the reviewer, he will go far!

For anyone who thought this was a serious review, you urgently need to watch about 2,000,000 hours of say, the Simpsons, to reacquaint yourself with irony. For anyone who thought the humor in the review was too low, barbarous, stupid or dirty, feel free to exercise your democratic right to not read silly humorous writing. For anyone else who thought this review was highly original and funny - consider this: it was a satirical parody. Of posts in these talkbacks. Maybe yours. Satirical - doesn't that mean, like. mocking and dissing people? Parody, isn't that a amusingly cruel copy? Sorry, yes! Neil is laughing at some of the people who post here, and he's imitating their infantile posts, Actually, it's not all that hard to spot his targets.

Who the frak is this guy to begin with? The only thing I know about him is the fact AICN posts his "reviews" and Fat Harry and his crew love it. Sure, he is unique in the fact that he draws intresting ways to make his point, but if he had a point then I would care about his reviews. Take the "shock" out of his posts and there isn't anything left.
I'm so happy not to be a BNAT or wherever the frak Neillll is so busy doing whatever the frak he's doing.

I don't care if he gay bashes or not. I'm not posting to tell AICN to stop posting his reviews (I'd rather see them than the Studio Plant "reviews" that they keep posting) I just don't get why anyone would laugh as hard as they are claiming too. Or the fact that anyone really cares about the review?

Oh and this movie doesn't count in the "3rd Movie Rule" because the Trilogy was told 50 years ago and it was written as one huge story................................................................................... There is not really a "3rd story" That's why the other films you mention suck so much...................................................................... They make a good film. They set out to make more after that and maybe make another good film. For the "Matrix" and "Back to the Future" they made 1 huge film to follow the good film that didn't need a sequel because the story was finished. After "The Fellowship of the Ring" People left the theater mad because the story wasn't finished (they are stupid not to know there were 3 movies, even if they had no idea about the Books that were out for 5 decades!!!)
And after thinking about it, Your review is better than the other crap reviews posted on this site (The ones written by the people who work on the site, boy do they love to hear(read) them selves talk!!!)

I glanced through this review, but didn't read it closely because it looked chock full of unmarked spoilers. I usually don't like Neill's reviews anyway. I like his type of humor, but not when I'm trying to read a decent review of a movie. Anyway, it always cracks me up how Moriarty has to proclaim their friendship. "Call me later, buddy!" "He's so busy, here's his schedule!" Harry and Mori don't post any others reviews with that kind of shit. Seems like Mori really, really wants us to know he's friens with Neill. But do any of us care?

Neill, I don't like your review style too much, but I gotta thank you for the Volcano reference. And that whole story about the guy with the chick who left, but he stayed to "make out with this movie" instead....that shit was gold.

He dies in Mel Gibson's new film! FRAK! Now I'm not gonna watch it. Thanks for spoiling that one. Just don't tell me what happened to Anakin Skywalker. He's lost his hand and now had a C3P0 from EP1 hand. Guess he becomes a robot...

but that whole long, drawn out digression on the merrits of B.A. Barrabas...c'mon. Aaaah, I'm just mildly jealous, I'm an Austinite who has never gotten to go to BNAT becasue I always have finals on the day in question. Dammit, Harry, couldn't your mother have held her womb just another week or so, just so that 25 years later I cold go to BNAT?

That was some funny criticizin' there. I actually laughed out loud at the Wal-Mart/ball stomp reference, and the only person here is my mother in-laws Dominican health aide (who wouldn't understand even if I signed it for her, but she has cute tats) and I STILL laughed out loud.
Bravo, Neil

A 3 year old could sift through this review, point out the word "gay," and cry homophobia. Some of us are beyond that. "Hate" speech? How anybody could read any of this review and take it remotely seriously is beyond me.

Speaking as an actual gay person this review is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I nearly peed my pants.
All you PC whiners need to take the sticks out of your asses.
"only air comes out when I spooge now" - woo!!

...flipping people off dates as far back as the Roman Empire, who referred to it as the "digitus impudicus." Meanwhile, I enjoyed the lines, "This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you'll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie," and "there's some shit with the elves that's like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes."

...back when he didn't retitle the movies and use homophobic shit every two seconds. I mean, I love an Elton John joke as much as the next guy, but it's just not that funny. Even making fun of gay people requires wit, and Neill has none. Sorry, Neill. Your 15 seconds are up. www.rockithardcore.com

Not that anybody else actually listens to me anyway, but Neill is one funny mofo. If there is one thing that I have taken from this site, besides the news, is that I also now use "tits" as an adjective. I look forward to his reviews, almost as much as any other.

I couldn't even get through the first paragraph. This guy's "humor" consists of cocksucking references and giving stupid new names to things that sound like the original names so people think he's witty. He's not.

Never before have so many read something that they didnt like, on a site they cant stand, to talk-back to people they dont know, just for the sake of BITCHING (no pun intended).
Speaking for the Rest of Us That Have A Sense of Humour (however skewed): SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

this will be the only the second time ive ever posted on this forum...and i gotta say i stopped reading this review because i found it utterly offensive...this guy was grasping and desperate for a laugh which always waters down the execution....pathetic!!

...Ali G. Another King of irony. Had a short-lived series on HBO which was canned as (seemingly) the Americans didn't 'get it'. I thought we Brits had cornered the market in irony, but Mr Cumpston has demonstrated there's hope yet for our US cousins. Oh, and as for those who can't see the funny side of this review (or Ali G for that matter), I pity you. Life is too short to take issue with something that is so OBVIOUSLY meant to be light-hearted. Basically, it's taking the piss out of the things you are accusing NC of being. C'mon, people - get a little sophistication!!

props to the gay contingent sticking up for neill. if there's a 'gay' version of AICN with a reviewer skewering straight people who's as funny as neill - please let us know. of course the PC loons will continue to press the issue and tell the gay community why they really must be offended at this sort of material. if you PCers look hard enough to find something 'offensive', chances are you'll find it. further, if you read neill's ENTIRE diatribe and are still bitching - shut your pie hole. hell, most PCers probably read all his previous rants as well and expected to find something different this time???

The intelligence of this reviewer can be summed up in one word...LACKING. What a jackass! If you are going to review a movie semi-intelligently, please don't use your review to try out your new retarded stand-up act. This moron thinks that using the word COCK and FAG makes him funny. Grow up you little shit-faced cockmaster!

The movie rocks! Can't say the middle Earth thing excites me, but the films are terrific.
As for the review, it's funny. Think of Mel Brooks and Blazing Saddles kind of funny. It's so over the top, you can't take it seriously or be offended.
Keep it up!

After all, the reviewer only made a minimum of 11 idiotic homophobic comments, listed here for your convenience:
(1) they suck dicks
(2) Dicksuck-ylvania
(3) Faggoty Fuckheads
(4) those movies went beyond gay to where they

That was a weird review, man. I felt like I was reading Junky or Naked Lunch by Burroughs while having prison sex forced upon me. I feel so filthy now. I want my mommy. I'll never look at Tolkien's world the same way again.

Since when are the terms gay and lesbian reduced to being synonymous with adjectives like "suck", "disappointing", "poor", etc.? Gay and lesbian describe indivduals who are not heterosexual and have to endure the hateful, shallow coopting of their sexual distinction by homophobes like Neill Cumpston. It's never a joke when a person's sexuality, or race for that matter, is used to symbolize what the writer or speaker subjectively determines to be lacking in value.
With regard to lacking in vlaue, has anyone else noticed that despite the excellent film crafting by Peter Jackson in the LOTR trilogy, the heroes are all white males who are ruled by monarchies? Say what you want about the lack of drama, story and coherence in the Star Wars and Matrix films, but at least they make the effort to include heroes of both sexes and various races and cultures.

... Hear that rumbling in the distance? It's a horde of Tolkien fans, most of which have read the Silmarillion, who are at this very moment bearing down on you with the intent of tearing you a new one for not understanding the cultural history or geography of Middle-Earth. If you have a lightsaber, I hope it's fully charged.

Obviously, this was written in such a low, low-brow humor manner as to elicit even the most conservative guffaws. The reviewer surely loved the movie and I surmise he chose this particularly vulgar "voice" or "personality" as a way of conveying to us the unusually broad appeal of the Rings series. That, or the writer just wanted to be freakin' hilarious. It's satire, of course, in the most ribald sense. Too scary to think otherwise.

If the PC contingency in here would spend as much time using their brains as they do stroking each other off, maybe they'd accomplish something. As soon as you condemn Neil (character or otherwise) for anything, your rants about equality and open mindedness are without any value. In fact, they're worse than Neil because instead of just being a bigot, they're a bunch of hypocrits. Off to Wal Mart for some ball stomp.

Where do all you people find the time to post such nonsense? everyone loves to chide the reviewers, saying: their reviews are worthless and I don't care what they say anyway, but clearly you do, because you've read them. Not to mention the fact that you've written something NO ONE cares to read.
Also, don't you have a job to go to? or, are you like whiney middle eastern folk who LOVE to riot in the middle of the day, when they should be AT WORK, worrying about their lexus payment and property taxes. see, these are the things that I worry about, b/c I have a job, and don't have time to whine about how dumb the reviewers are.
something tells me you whiners love to whine for the sheer sake of whining. why not get a job, complete or obtain your post-high school education, and stop wasting time on the internet?

Damned funny too. Just relax! You know, you CAN enjoy a little low-brow now and then, and still go back to enjoying whatever it is that qualifies as high-brow humor. It is possible to watch an episode of South Park and still be able to chuckle at the dry humor of a Jane Austen flick. Actually it's kinda funny that some people would be so upset over lowbrow humor in a RotK review, when you think about it. Who else has introduced lowbrow humor into the franchise? awhoops! I've said too much. See you guys in a week . . .

What's with the constant Jedi bashing by all. Sure the Ewoks weren't the greatest, but Luke showing up all bad ass at Jabba's the Rancor, Boba Fett, speederbikes, the final battle with the Emperor, what the hell? That's great stuff if you ask me.

to keep topping yourself. You read these reveiws just waiting for a funny line to hit you upside the head. I was laughing out loud from the start - don't bring a knife, like being stuck in a candle store, etc. I don't care how offensive it is ,"Star Wars: All the Dicks in the Universe Up My Ass," is funny and I can't stop thinking about the sight of a bent over Lucas getting gang banged by aliens.
But I'm black and I don't mind a racist joke, as long as it's funny.

This is a movie review...nothing more. It's well written parody that nearly put me in fucking traction I laughed so hard, as do ALL of Neil's reviews. I think it's time for all the uppity fuckin fags of the world to stop whining about being gay. It's a choice you MADE...stop complaining about all of us date-raping-jock-redneck straight people bashing you. If word(s)like, "gay" or "fag" or "dyke" or "cock-smoker" or "poo-driller" are too harsh for you...well, then as a STRAIGHT man, I'd like to say that I'd rather not be lumped in and summed up with words like "jock" or "date-raper" or "redneck". I'd also like to say that I dont have my own DAY! and I dont have my own PARADE! and I dont have my own FLAG!so, please...stop your fuckin whining...your getting as bad as the blacks and the jews and the poor and the homeless and the democrats and...ah whats the fucking piont.

i didn't LOVE this review, but it was probably one of the most entertaining things I've read in a while. this guy is either totally retarded or a master at writing the most idiotic movie reviews ever. i'm thinking it's the latter, in which case, the rise he gets out of most TBers is evidence of his... lack of skill. Loved the iggy pop/gollum comment.

Over the last four years I was laways sad that I could never find a complete list of what was shown at BNAT, so this year I've decided to let everyone know just what we had the privleige of experiencing. I hope this isn't against some obscure BNAT rue that I'm not aware of.
Trailer-Stunt Rock
Trailer-Branagan
Trailer-TheFastest Guitar Alive, Roy Orbison in a western
Trailer-A Minute to Pray A second to Die
Feature-Haunted Gold
Serial-Return of Captain Marvel. cut off in middle to....
Feature-Return of the King
Q&A with Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh and Phillipa Boyas.
The General with live band playing orignal score
short Cartoon-King Kong
Commercial-Volkswagen claymation King Kong
Trailer-Dragionslyer
Trailer-King Kong (1933)
Clip-Ron Burgundy: Anchorman
Trailer-Mad Monkey Kung Fu
Trailer-The Green Slime
Trailer-The Bodyguard. Featuring Sonny Chiba, got the whole
audience spontaneously chanting "Chiba! Chiba!"
PSA-Keep auditorium clean
Feature-Old Boy, Korean....amazing movie! Only english dubbed print in the
world
Traler-Hellboy
Trailer-SkyCaptain and the World of Tomorrow
Trailer-maniac cop 2 (french dubbed)
Trailer- Vice Squad
Trailer-Superfuzz
Feature-Nid de Guepes. French action flick
Short Film-Blind
Trailer-An American Werewolf in London
Trailer-The Vampire Beast Craves Blood
Trailer-The Howling
Traielr-Sky Captan and the World of Tomorrow again
Trailer- The Velvet Vampire
Trailer-Night of the Creeps
Clip- Menudo!
Feature-Haute Tension. French horror flick with hot lesbian killer
Feature-Teenage Mother. no more foreceps!!!!
Nasty Greasy Breakfast while on the screen with lights up played...
Cartoon-Rotten Fruit: The Greatest Band in the World. Offensive claymation british rock band pieces of fruit gethigh on pesticide and their fans keep getting trampled to death at concerts.
Feature-Undead. New Zealand Zombie Flick
Feature-the PAssion of the Christ
Q&A-Mel Gibson

I'd like to make a formal complaint regarding the terrible review written by Neill Cumpston. After reading it I felt empty inside. During the short time it took me, I could have enjoyed a cup of tea whilst watching Monty Python on the telly. In short, and in Neill's primitive language, the review was fucking shit "dude".

Compare the vulgar but funny satire of Neill with the troglodytic oral bowel movements of the truly homophobic, prejudiced Yossarian and Testiclops. Huge differences in tone, spirit, phrasing and -- above all -- intent. They come crawling out of the woodwork when they think someone's speaking "their" language. They just don't get it. Sad, pitiful wankers.

10. All the headlines end with one of these exclamation points!
9. Some of them end up with a bunch of exclamation points!!!!!
That way you know it's EXTRA EXCITING!!!!
8. There's this funny link on the front page which says "What Gollum Thinks of AICN" What a laff riot! I click it every time I visit.
7. The Talkback messages appear in this crazy mixed up order. There's new ones at the top AND new ones at the bottom! Sweeeet!!!
6. Sometimes when you visit the site, the page loads with WACKY CRAZY fonts cause the style sheet's messed up or something. Woohoo!
5. Sometimes when you visit the site, the pages don't load at all, cause the server's too busy serving up stories about some new trailer at apple.com.
Even better!
4. No threads in the talkbacks. Makes for a more interesting discussion with none of that annoying continuity.
3. The site hasn't been changed a whit in a couple of years, even though they keep running ads, publishing books and hosting film festivals. Hey! If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
Okay, I ran out of things I love about the site. Insert your top two here.

On the Two Towers Extended DVD Commentary, the lead Gollum designer (I forget his name) mentions that he used the wiry frame of Iggy Pop as inspiration for Gollum's look. The segment is comical when they show a photo of Iggy Pop onstage as they talk about the sick musculature or Gollum.

...stupid. I mean, we don't respect others because they don't conform to everything we think is normal. Right? Homosexuals, mentally unstable..whatever, whoever. As long as you don't act like me, do like me, I am allowed to make your life a living hell. Why? Coz I'm stupid and insensitive. Never mind that I claim to understand whatever it was that Tolkien or PJackson are trying to say on film. GET A BRAIN!!

Jesus Christ! All you fucking morons who want to deconstruct Neil's review should go join one of the lawsuits against "Bad Santa" and shut the fuck up. The guy's hilarious. I _wish_ I could be that funny.

"Where do all you people find the time to post such nonsense?" "don't you have a job to go to?" "I have a job, and don't have time to whine about how dumb the reviewers are. something tells me you whiners love to whine for the sheer sake of whining. why not get a job, complete or obtain your post-high school education, and stop wasting time on the internet?"
<br>
Dude, look at what you just typed. lol

I pity the poor bastards who had never read a Neil Cumpston review before. Sadly, they entered the review expecting to read a tasteful, thorough if not somewhat overly enthusiastic review. Obviously some can't get over the fact that the guy isn't trying to write anything close to a helpful review, he's just trying to get people to laugh and get excited about a movie.
Worked for me. And for everyone else...
Ye be warned.

This review was funny. If you can't understand that then it's your loss. Go back to watching Jacques Tati and talk about it afterwards with your cultivated friends.
Here's something you people who think Neil is bashing gays or spoiling the magic of LOTR will surely love...
http://home.nyu.edu/~amw243/diaries/

First off, the review was hilarious, and to all you whiners who got all hot and bothered by it, get a life... only in this day and age of entitlement mentality can people get all up in arms about a guy acting like a parody of a frat boy for laughs... shit if gay people were being tortured in public for being gay, then no, this would not be funny... but they are not, so get over yourselves...and laugh... or not... but the guy wasn't REALLY talking about YOU, so deal with it in a corner by yourselves and stop being so frail.
===============================
To answer an oft asked question from the court of the "hater-haters"...No, NO ONE read this review! REALLY! (You bullshit artists included apparently... you must hve read one paragraph and absorbed the rest from osmosis)... that's why no one is talking about how funny/ offensive it is.
================================
And lord of laughter... apparently not, you need a funny-bone to have that title, and incidentally, don't tell me we have YET ANOTHER Canadian who does not have the faintest clue about how WWII Started (Hence your WW III reference). Bush is actually following the teachings of Sir Winston Churchill... and, had his proactive advice been heeded, there would have been NO WORLD WAR II AN NO HOLOCAUST, go buy "The Gathering Storm" read it, understand it, then maybe you will learn to ditch your completely deluded visions of how peace is maintained... you have the beleif system of a mdern Nevil Chamberlain... good intentions, that can cost millions of lives due to ignorant head in the sand idealism over realism.

Absolutely hilarious, as per usual for Mr. Cumpston. Everyone pouring their hearts out in wide-eyed, indignant, frenzied rants about the shameful psychological aspects of Mr. Cumpston, LIGHTEN UP! Son of a bitch, the second funniest thing - after the review - is reading the indignant comments by people who have snobby political correctness so far imbedded into them that they can't just let it go and appreciate an - albeit low-brow - comedic gem like this. You think he truly hates homosexuals or women? He's just trying to provoke a hysterical reaction from people with absolutely no tolerance for ball-busting irony! Mr. Cumpston, I salute you. I for one enjoy putting down my Vegan Rights sign, pushing aside the Dostoyevsky novel on my table, removing my head from my cornhole and pissing myself at humor that could give two shits about being P.C.

Good speech. I'm glad most people here are smart enough to recognise stupidity and embarassed by such ignorance. You covered the subject quite well, and with a pretty extensive vocabulary to boot! If we don't have the support of the more intelligent, compassionate straights then this sort of thing will continue to make humans believe they can behave like dumb animals and get away with it. This just encourages people to think that their hatred and fear of gay people is justified, and then the more impressionable and insane among them take it to "another level" and go violently beyond jokes and underhanded comments about queers to their straight friends.

To clean up the potty smeel of the review. Copy the review to word, replace f*** with Battlestar Galactica's "frack", crap and shit to "poop", dick to "lollipop" and suck to "stink". Now how does it read?

Simple. Lucas is great at selling an idea. But he can't write a script and he cant direct a movie. Kasdan wrote the script for SW, ESB and Raiders. Kershner directed ESB and Spielberg, Raiders. SW suvived Lucas' directing thanks to the cast Marcia Lucas' editing and the innovations and stuff we hadn't seen before 1978. That's all there is to it.

See now yours is a view that annoys many "straights", Just because someone uses irony and plays the frat boy for shits and giggles does not mean he (or the many others who laughed) "hate" or "fear" your sexuality...truth is 99% of us really don't give a shit unless you are having sex in our beds (which damn I don't want ANYONE aside from the lady with me doing either). And frankly the view that we care enough to hate or fear you for what you do on your time frankly strikes us as a bit self occupied. (Which is why Pride Parades are annoying... I mean damn I don't care what anyone does sexually as long as it excludes children, but by the same token I don't need to see parades about it on display in public... even if its somethijng I'm "into"... shit, that's what The intenet is for... uh... I think...
And incidentally, the people who REALLY hate you...are going hate you no matter what the rest of us say... really... =========================
And incidentally, Humans Can behave like Dumb animals A) Because many counties have this little attachment to free speech (yeah, even if YOU don't like what they are saying) and B) Because uh, many humans ARE dumb animals... just check out how they act whenever they get a "cause" or into a "click" (pick almost any one that dosn't deal with helping others such as the poor, or the mentally retarded...or the French) for the best examples.
================================
I aplogize to D'Artagnion, D'Arnot, and Jerry Lewis in advance. The above views are not held by the creator(s) of this website, and are not representative of the feelings/beleifs of the Gorilla populace. All the above statements are opinion, any similarity to the thoughts or beliefs or statements of any other person living or dead is purely coincidence. All rights reserved. --------------------It's really late, I'll stop now... I promise.

See now yours is a view that annoys many "straights", Just because someone uses irony and plays the frat boy for shits and giggles does not mean he (or the many others who laughed) "hate" or "fear" your sexuality...truth is 99% of us really don't give a shit unless you are having sex in our beds (which damn I don't want ANYONE aside from the lady with me doing either). And frankly the view that we care enough to hate or fear you for what you do on your time frankly strikes us as a bit self occupied. (Which is why Pride Parades are annoying... I mean damn I don't care what anyone does sexually as long as it excludes children, but by the same token I don't need to see parades about it on display in public... even if its somethijng I'm "into"... shit, that's what The intenet is for... uh... I think...
And incidentally, the people who REALLY hate you...are going hate you no matter what the rest of us say... really... =========================
And incidentally, Humans Can behave like Dumb animals A) Because many counties have this little attachment to free speech (yeah, even if YOU don't like what they are saying) and B) Because uh, many humans ARE dumb animals... just check out how they act whenever they get a "cause" or into a "click" (pick almost any one that dosn't deal with helping others such as the poor, or the mentally retarded...or the French) for the best examples.
================================
I aplogize to D'Artagnion, D'Arnot, and Jerry Lewis in advance. The above views are not held by the creator(s) of this website, and are not representative of the feelings/beleifs of the Gorilla populace. All the above statements are opinion, any similarity to the thoughts or beliefs or statements of any other person living or dead is purely coincidence. All rights reserved. --------------------It's really late, I'll stop now... I promise.

See now yours is a view that annoys many "straights", Just because someone uses irony and plays the frat boy for shits and giggles does not mean he (or the many others who laughed) "hate" or "fear" your sexuality...truth is 99% of us really don't give a shit unless you are having sex in our beds (which damn I don't want ANYONE aside from the lady with me doing either). And frankly the view that we care enough to hate or fear you for what you do on your time frankly strikes us as a bit self occupied. (Which is why Pride Parades are annoying... I mean damn I don't care what anyone does sexually as long as it excludes children, but by the same token I don't need to see parades about it on display in public... even if its somethijng I'm "into"... shit, that's what The intenet is for... uh... I think...
And incidentally, the people who REALLY hate you...are going hate you no matter what the rest of us say... really... =========================
And incidentally, Humans Can behave like Dumb animals A) Because many counties have this little attachment to free speech (yeah, even if YOU don't like what they are saying) and B) Because uh, many humans ARE dumb animals... just check out how they act whenever they get a "cause" or into a "click" (pick almost any one that dosn't deal with helping others such as the poor, or the mentally retarded...or the French) for the best examples.
================================
I aplogize to D'Artagnion, D'Arnot, and Jerry Lewis in advance. The above views are not held by the creator(s) of this website, and are not representative of the feelings/beleifs of the Gorilla populace. All the above statements are opinion, any similarity to the thoughts or beliefs or statements of any other person living or dead is purely coincidence. All rights reserved. --------------------It's really late, I'll stop now... I promise.

You say:"this sort of thing will continue to make humans believe they can behave like dumb animals and get away with it."
Why shouldn't people be allowd to live as they choose? Isn't that what homosexuals are fighting for? Living their lifestyle without fear of repression?
You also say:"This just encourages people to think that their hatred and fear of gay people is justified,"(maybe it is if your solution is to limit people's freedom to act how they choose.) "and then the more impressionable and insane among them take it to "another level" and go violently beyond jokes and underhanded comments about queers to their straight friends." Oh, no! What are we to do? Instead of laws protecting people from assault (which there are), you suggest a "pre-emptive" arrest of their thoughts and speech so that the "impressionable and insane" won't get an idea from their talks. That's the same kind of backward ass shit that the majority wrongly put on homosexuals in the first place. "back in the day" gays were treated this same way so that their influences could not "infect" the masses. That was wrong then and what your saying is wrong now.
Besides, the impressionable and insane have no where to go to avoid negative influences such as violence and hate. Take a look at the movies and TV shows out there right now. There are many solutions to improving gay/hetero relations but censorship is not it.
And I still can't get why so many people believe "Neil" is a real guy out there writing an honest review. It's a fucking joke. Take it that way.

This is the greatest thin I've read in a long time man. Seriously, thank you for making my week! I actually was inspired to write my own review of the soon to be Oscar Winning "Mona Lisa's Smile". It pales in comparison to your genius, but I did give you credit for the inspiration...
www.shakabry.blogspot.com

Okay, it's quite simple really. What is a nerd? A nerd is a fag. Why do jocks kick the shit out of nerds? Because the nerds are fags.
Unfortunately, nerds are fags who like girls. Therefore, girls (who are the only people who will be friends with nerds) will not let them kick the shit of other nerds, which would be the only way for them to stop being fags.
That is why nerds created the internet: so they could have a place to secretly beat up fags where girls would not find out about it and stop being friends with them.
But there was still a problem. Jocks didn't understand computers, so they didn't know about nerds beating up fags on the internet, and they kept right on beating up the nerds, not realizing that they had stopped being fags.
In the end, the nerds had to tell everybody about the internet. So the jocks and the girls took over there just like they do everywhere else. The girls kept yelling at the nerds for beating up fags, and the jocks kept beating up the nerds for being fags, and the girls had sex with the jocks because they didn't really care about the fags to be honest, they just liked yelling at people.
Poor nerds! Everyone is always so mean to them! But that is because they are fags.

If you consider this review too low brow and think its poor satire, you'd better go back to your Graduate Level English Lit
seminar, sip your Latte, and stay off the internet. Movies are the books (at least fiction) of today. Readin' is for learnin', not imaginin'. If you wan't a clever story, watch a movie, Shakespear!!

Fredo's name is Frodo. Golem is not from a recent song, but from Hebrew mythology (a shapeless mass endowed with life). Before bashing the older books and movies, you need to check the copywrite date on the Trilogy about which you are raving. I first read the Middle Earth books when I was in High School; that was 40 years ago. The books were 40 years old at that time. Other than the few minor discrepancies, your reviews were great. Wish I had read them before I paid to see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, although I DID recognize the characters.