Written.

Thursday, 1 May 2014

To Miles 30

There’s the fear at the altair. I have to wait thirty minutes before I can head out of the ship, so that no one would think about us being together which is odd, because it seems far too obvious even by the longer second which happens in the morning when Jamie leaves and I just enter the canteen and I salute him, holding a smirk as he just smiles and walks by, trying to hold me in the same treatment as he does everyone else.

But Juju noticed it and he ranted how even I get Hince to lift his head up the book and that’s when Miles raised his head from his mug and our visions clash and I paled up. Julian just watched me for a while, most likely scanning to see if the captain is still in the canteen, but he wasn’t and I just let my fear grow loose and hideous.

I keep glancing at my watch and I wonder, the fear of the altair, how women get married off so easily without knowing, so easy, light and early in the relationship to be bounded by a mere document and I just don’t even have the anxiety to pace, waving Thom and Jonny off, who still haven’t spoken to me properly and soon enough Carlos enters the room and studies me, with a small smirk and undresses. I close my eyes, banging my fist against the top bunk, boredom slowly trying to reach its toll, but it doesn’t, anxiety is my current binding. Miles is the last one to leave and I still sit there, anxious. He stops for while as he opens his coffin locker and just stands there. I keep watching him, my emotions far too bitter and I notice how skinny he had become. I try to tell that it is none of my business.

“It’s Jamie’s birthday.” He mutters nearly inaudible and turns to look at me and I’m even sure which one of us he even wants back. He throws a box at me. “Congratulate him from me. Fucking say it’s from his brother-in-law if he won’t take it.”

And he leaves. I stare at the golden wrapped box.

Birthday?

My face pales.

I had no idea. I don’t wait for the rest of the time as I take my coat and run out, bumping into Miles, yet still holding the goddamn box. I should open it to see what the fuck he even wants from Jamie.

“I always thought that you’d be some stupid continuation of Miles, your age and how you both seem to resemble each other lightly, as if Miles is the crooked reflection, all the vanity which you’d ever had flung upon him in a satirical way.” He had lit the cigarette, lights off, the window being the only illumination a few days ago, wine drank and reached the head and lips, bed covers unneatly thrown upon us, Jamie looking at me from my side. “That scared me, it taunted me, that-”

He swallowed, inhaled.

“That I would fall in love with the same person. Again. That’s why I never started.” Pause. “Never wanted anything equal like me and Miles had. We had this whole.”

He motioned with his cigarette at nothing.

“This whole. Idea. That both men should be equal, no hierarchy, no one dunked for some odd reason.” He chewed on the cigarette. “Maybe because we were both men. Maybe that’s what attracts you to the same gender, that you both share the same roles.”

“But in reality all is false. You just fall in love with someone who you find worthy, because until...” Voice breaks. “You crack them open, to see them vulnerable, you don’t know who they are, what would-

the last thought before death be, would it be their own sanity or someone else’s and who would the other person be then?” Jamie exhaled. He paused, fully turning towards me, cigarette back between lips, a small barrier which I just took out and kissed him, fear no longer tangling me, as I felt his tongue as we cling to one another in some desperation of each other’s love.

You, is more than said.

Sometimes you fall in love with the same people, but then, maybe you’re the blind one. Is what’s written on Miles’ card to Jamie, the only thing I actually check as I get out of the ship, pulling my collar up, snow already gracing us lightly on shore on Jamie’s birthday, far too close to Christmas and candy canes about to used as scythes. I keep walking, looking at Miles’ round letters which build those words, wondering as I keep going forwards, past the bookstores slowly creeping on, the restaurants and I can’t help but keep walking, wondering what the fuck can I even get Jamie on such a small time scale. I still hold the damned yellow package, neatly wrapped in a perfect cube and it’s quite light and I wonder how else did Miles decide to grace Jamie’s memory.

I don’t have too much time before I meet Jamie, but nothing to buy actually crosses my mind, a novel would be something he would discard far too quickly after reading and I just recall how he still reads at every occasion when I’m not with him or sometimes I just borrow something off his shelf in days when we’re sure it’s far too safe and he just presses a kiss against my forehead as we both read.

I keep going from store to store, either frowning at the price of odd teapots which show no significance to clothing stores where no tie seems to appeal to me and past a few random stores with stationary and I keep looking through the leather covers of each notebook, anxiety slightly stinging me, recalling how Miles told me that he had used to write poems and by the amount I had wondered if he still did so, sometimes when I would walk in, he seemed to be scribbling something, lips moving and he would stash it as soon as I would let myself in and he would quickly adjust a smile.

He surely would still be writing,

but guilt seemed to hang on the leather thing holding words yet to be spilled and broken over to be replaced by new emotions in his wounds and I wondered, choosing a fountain pen with a matching blue colour as the cover of the notebook. I held two gifts, one from the past and the other to rewrite the past into something far more appealing. I wonder if both hands could symbolize the angel and the devil as well. I keep walking, snow becoming something rare yet the clouds just hinting night instead of a storm. Before I reach the lover, I light a cigarette, slightly warming up, closing my eyes to focus on the bitter taste and smoke, walking ahead before I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders and I open my eyes to see Jamie in different attire, a light navy blue double breasted coat and no captain hat, we don’t take our hats off too often so it’s odd and to see his hair neater slicked back than usual, not messed at all by the hat.

I don’t glance recklessly and nearly kiss him, as the captain quickly tilts his head and I’m stuck midway, as he holds onto me, waiting for a woman to pass before we quickly peck each other on the lips. He quickly apologizes, now his curiosity focused on the two packages. His eyes stop on the yellow one.

“From Miles?” He mutters and I just nod, as he yanks it out of me and signals me to follow him, as we walk a few blocks quite fast and in silence before Hince reaches a street which seems to have a river going towards the sea and he just smirks, opening the card, glancing at me and he just throws it out, not even glancing to see if it reached the water with a stretched out hand.

“You didn’t even-”

“I’m not with him, so why do I care of some scraps of something he thought was love?” And that’s when he starts searching his pockets, now anxiety catching up on him, the one print from a former lover which seems to start to bleed and you just suck out your own venom instead of another’s. He shakes his head.

“Sorry. I just wanted to get rid of it-”

“Happy Birthday, though.” I smirk and he just smiles, shyly and his gaze is focused on the wrapped notebook in my hand. I just hand it to him and he glances at me before he starts ripping the paper,

“I’m not as good with words-” I start saying as he opens it, to flick through and see if I had written anything, besides a small love, Alex in the beginning, my heart races. “-as I think you are.”

He stops. Jamie pales and looks at me.

“You-” He starts.

“No, I never read anything.” Jamie loosens up and even smiles. He scratches the back of his neck, looking down at our feet. Then he opens his coat, reaching into his breast pocket and takes out a similar notebook, nearly all full and flicks through a few pages and I just catch my name sometimes before he finds the right page, frowns at his own handwriting and scratched out bits, so he says and rips the page out.

“I- I’ve written something else for Christmas.” I put my eyes down. “Read it later, dunno, just for me not to embarrass myself now.”

Jamie smirks and I just brush my fingers against his, which can easily be dismissed by people who believe that love doesn’t exist as they walk the streets, not knowing.

There’s too many things which make you doubt yourself and I guess the fact that someone will check up on you and has some blind faith, gives you light. I wonder about that as we keep walking, my hands itching to check out the poem, but I keep my word, as we keep walking, the streets far more festive that it stings to the eye because well, we barely have any decorations up and the mood is pretty grim besides Carlos who keeps trying to recruit people for a drag show once more, as Jamie would just narrow his eyes at me in mock and I’d just decline, but offer to sew the costumes if proper material would be given, Carlos promised to get proper material. And I have to watch them recruit people with Julian also running around and then try to dress up his tall figure.

The closer we get, the sooner Jamie offers both of us a cigarette, as I light them with my lighter at once as he keeps looking at me, I think of both us dazzled how much our relation had changed over the weeks, how we actually seem to be glued to something meaningful. Jamie holds his pause and only speaks once we’re in, taking our coats off and I wonder why and as we head, I don’t see who Jamie is waving at, but I hear him.

“It’s weird how obscure your own sexuality is, you don’t know yourself until it reveals itself to you.” He paused. “I’m not sure about Alison, anymore.”

A redheaded woman runs to us, her fur coat wide open revealing a sequin dress. She hugs Jamie really really tight as he twirls her a bit and lets go of her as she has a confused face in the beginning before flashing a curious smirk.

“It’s not even about her fitting in, it’s more about women fitting in to be frank.” His voice nulls my ears. Anesthesia. Hope and fear under one wrapper. We’ve never touched the subject, myself presuming always to be a lover on the side, as the woman keeps hugging Jamie, laughing.

He’s not attracted to her either then.

“I’m sure you taste of stale cigarettes.” I used to mutter, alcohol loosing my tongue as Jamie smirked, just taking another drag from the cigarette, watching me, amused, a light curtain of concern and doubt always had been covering his eyes.

His words hit me as I open to happen to be under a sea of petals, some odd wedding trial if the fear would make me say the wrong words, but they don’t, instead he kisses the red head woman on both cheeks, as then she turns her attention towards me. She yanks me into a tight hug, the fur tingling my whole face as she shakes me from side to side.

“So this is the lovely boy you’ve told me about. James, I had no idea your son was so old already.” Her voice is quite deep and has a laughing tone to it, something which is meant to be drank as she starts laughing, pulling herself from the hug.

“Don’t listen to her.” Jamies mutters as Karen just laughs, taking us both under her arms as I notice her high heels for the first time as how freely she walks in them and I wonder how she lasts but then maybe she kicks them off as the first thing once she’s in the dressing room. She pulls us in to the premise, all of it in velvet and red, remidning of some passionate explosion and she walks until we are seated at a table and we are all hushed to be silent as a woman in a long red dress appears, her make up bright and giving her a look of fake wide open eyes, her hair pulled up in curls as she takes her time before closing her eyes, as the audience claps. I see that we could nearly be late.

“There is something captivating about women. It’s not even that you’re attracted to them, it’s more about being caught up with your lip on the hook or maybe it’s attraction to the femininity which I lack.” Which seems absurd as the singer smiles, lips wide open, yet some distracted glint in her eye as Karen lights herself a cigarette and I watch her long fingers with many gold rings as she passes me a cigarette and one to Jamie. I blink at the sudden mention of homosexuality as the woman lights a cigarette as well, before music is started to be heard as she does a few strolls around the stage and Karen mutters something to Jamie, before her lipstick becomes a trace on my cheek as I look back at her, but her light eyes are focused on the dark haired singer.

Claps are heard all over the medium sized room with the small flower pots on each table, as they clap for her soft quiet voice and her cold stare as I see Karen captivated and once she leaves I look back at Jamie, who quickly nods at Karen, who stands up. He raises his eyebrows before moving closer to me. Performers start to change, each one of them doing one song as I notice how Jamie keeps observing me, as I feel a bit too awkward, my gay experience usually ending up in seedy gay bars as I would just act normal with Paul, avoiding premises, just spending hours in bookstores or a park, barely holding hands,

so it’s a new feeling, washing the anxiety and making it like a hoop around my neck and surely not a halo once he presses his lips briefly against mine, the light long gone and now Karen clicking with her heels on stage.

I hear her, muttering something about a birthday, before she stops, I guess she grins, before she starts singing louder than the rest

and maybe thankful for Jamie’s peace as we kiss in the dark, even if we’re illuminated, we fucking glow in the dark. - And lovely chapter 30! :D and I was thinking that I guess To Miles is my favourite story which I've written and it's interesting coz I was always nagging to Callie how much I actually want to write an epic with a bunch of characters and plot lines so yeah :D I dunno, it has everything I've ever wanted and there's more to come? xD I should really shut up xDI think besides dreams, there's been a whole underline of weddings and etc, even Hince mentioning it to Al many chapters ago. I guess one of the wee things I enjoy writing is small onboard moments between Jamie and Alex which had been going on for quite a while, but I guess my hands down favourite is when Alex says how he keeps going to him at all times, I guess that's when I realized his strong attraction.Thom and Jonny didn't get any lines so far which is funny and at the same time it's how I see them on board the ship, so yeah. And I seem to pair up the sailors in two xD like Carlos and Juju, Pete and Carl, Thom and Jonny, Alex and Miles, Alex and Jamie, so yeah :) interesting xD Actually the cabaret was supposed to be for Christmas and kind of halfway I realized that I had missed Jamie's birthday so it was pushed earlier. Also the scene of Jamie throwing Miles' gift was born quite early and I guess is a metaphor for the fact that I guess I just make everything personal, really, but I didn't get one last gift from my ex and I didn't want it by the end, so yeah, so it's really metaphorical of denying a gift even if someone else denies it from you. I know what's in the box xD I'll keep silent for now, spoilers, spoilers xD You tend to muse on genders, but in the end, all you think is bollocks, all is love and love is pretty much above all. I get anxious like in the ending I was like shit, SHIT, JAMIE WRITE SOMETHING CHEESY GO XD so in reality I'm very anxious about my stories xD and yeah, in general I love how they love and interact with each other. I really love them together xD I also mused on Jamie's gift and I had to consider Alex's salary and in general that time.Ah! Also Jamie ended up kind of being a poet unexpectedly which is funny and I guess something which seemed very obvious to me as I had gotten poems from 3 out of 4 people I've dated/date and I've written poems for the lovers, ex and Callie :P so it's quite an obvious I guess gesture of affection. And also while I was finally coming to terms with my gender indetity, I was watching Howl with James Franco and I kind of wanted to make Jamie a poet even briefly, so that's what happened that he writes poems as said in his free time and I'll keep silent:)Callie I think fangirled all over this chapter xD The taste sentence actually was because I was thinking of how much I'd kill for Alex and Hincey to fuck IRL and I had an idea for a one-shot romp and that was the starter phrase but then my mind froze up and it shifted to To Miles and here it is xD Oh, Karen. I was nagging to myself how I have no trans characters and Karen was created and she finally appeared and Callie's obsessed with her because I've talked so much about her and yeah her storyline is decided and yeah she'll have her own important role in the story, even if she's not main, but then so far it's pretty much Alex, Jamie and Miles and not far from that Matt. Meg's character (the singer) was thought of while we were driving back and I had the idea while listening to In the Cold, Cold Night which is surely one of the best The White Stripes songs ever and you don't understand how much I love her and I had written the odd phrase about women and I was wondering where should I stick it in until I wrote this part and I wanted it to be Before the Stripes initially because I wanted Meg, but I asked Callie and she said the phrase would fit anywhere and I wanted Meg and the idea came to put her as another character in To Miles:) The glow in the dark was stolen because I've been obsessed with The Hellcat Spangled ShalalalaSo yeah, please tell me if you enjoyed it and I dunno, I loved the touch of Jamie actually kissing Al in the end. And Alex's anxiety is my own as usual xDPlease tell me if you enjoyed it! :Dthank you!<3Jamie

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Writing just seems to be the form where examples are the simplest and situations the realest.

My frustration is the fuel which my characters face and just limiting the value of my writing to good prose is Kubrick cutting the end of A Clockwork Orange to make a shallow movie about violence.

My work is my anger and everyone's anger at ignorance at those who will limit anyone to the background.

The further work is not about love, love is the aid to get us through society which we've created, born into and have to struggle with every day.

And love is the fuel, the fuel to the anger which I have to bear for being queer and deviant.

And I am not a love story. I am not something to cry over. I am something which should make you realize if you are at a privileged position that you should make a change, if you are discriminated, that you are not alone, that we should all have this fuel and should never just be limited to love.

Because our anger is valid.

We became our anger, so that the love will not only nourish us now, but later when all is done and we are no longer deviant to a society who hates itself.

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I do not own any of the character, band or other names based off real persons and groups; they served only as inspiration for my characters in the stories, whose rights I own. The works published herein and elsewhere by me are entirely fictional, and any resemblance to real life events is merely coincidental. No libel or slander is intended.