Pippa Middleton is being paid £400,000 for a book on party planning for women. I'd love to know what a party-planning book aimed at men looks like, but they don't exist. It's only women who must seek validation by learning that pineapple-and-cheese-on-a-stick simply will not do.

Sadly for Pippa, this is woefully out of step with the times. Nigella's How to Be A Domestic Goddess came out 10 years ago (yes, I know, I'm sorry). We are in the post-domestic goddess age; we've made our cupcakes and have embroidered our own brooches, all while bathing in a soup of irony and lavender petals. Now we cheat, or at the very least we are honest – it is the time for the Domestic Slut; how to cuts corners and get away with it. This is "slut" in the slovenly meaning of the word, an approach I both exemplify and espouse.

It is also a time of austerity, so what is presumably the first step of Middleton's guide – hire a party organiser for £50k – won't cut it. We'll all have too many redundancy leaving dos to go to in the coming months to worry about how to deal with a royal faux pas. The sister of the Duchess of Cambridge is currently a "party organiser" and contributes to the Party Times, a website with tips for children's parties, yet we can only pray the book will cater to more adult tastes.

Hosting a party is an utter pain in the Pippa. So make it easier for yourself: take a leaf out of the book of a dear friend of mine and include in your party invite a request to help clear up during and after the party. And fair enough – if I'm going to fug up your kitchen with menthol fags, the least I could do is whip round with a bin bag at strategic moments. I do hope Pippa's book also includes advice for guests, such as what dress to wear to upstage the bride – I mean host. And how to keep the paparazzi at bay by sending them the wrong time and place of the party.

Apparently each chapter of the book will start with an "amusing anecdote". We've all been there. What to do when a guest has been sick in another guest's shoe ("It was the ambassador of Israel being sick in a Lebanese minister's Crockett & Jones! Awkward."). And regardless of social class, we also all need to know how to deal with a fight breaking out. Especially if someone comes to your fancy dress party dressed liked a Nazi.

So here are my tips, feel free to send me £400k …

Drink

Wine boxes. They might seem crass, they might sit in your kitchen getting warm and cloudy throughout the night, but people will drink it. If you don't have enough booze at your party, then your guests will actually leave. Wine boxes are never ending. No one has ever seen an empty one.

Food

Everyone forgets how good Quavers and chipsticks taste. Women are too busy to actually make things, and no one appreciates it. I love the Lorraine Pascale's simplicity with her bucket-of-ice-cream cakes. But no one is fooled into believing that she actually eats them. Buy crisps and make sure you are somewhere with more than one toilet.

Music

The iPod playlist was made for the Domestic Slut. Early evening music has to be vaguely cool so buy esoteric tunes from the playlist of Jarvis Cocker's 6Music show. Mid-evening is for dancing but people will not be drunk enough to do irony: stick to Lady Gaga. By the end everyone wants a sing-a-long, so think karaoke as chosen by regulars of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Something from your youth that's gone through a recent critical re-evaluation.

Ambience

People will have a poke around your house, so make sure to hide the condoms and sex toys before everyone arrives. Alternatively, do what any self-respecting woman would do: hire out a room in a pub and get everyone to buy their own drinks. It's cheap, someone else cleans up, there are bouncers on the door and you can spend a bit more time in a meaningful career and contributing something to society beyond the tax bill for your £400,000 income.