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Thursday, June 23, 2016

I don't wanna miss a thing

My godson graduated High School tonight. I wasn't there. My sister was so good about sending me pictures all day. It made me cry. I've missed my two nieces High School graduations and now my Godsons.....it doesn't get easier. I do my best to get back for every important event in my nieces and godsons lives, but unfortunately sometimes it's just not possible. This year is a rough one. My son's graduation, moving, college, the list is endless. I was planning to be there for his graduation, but tickets were an issue. At the last minute my sister was able to get more....makes it worse. My Godson is a sweetheart, he understood, but seeing him in his cap and gown and dressed for prom last night is just a bit too much for my emotions right now. I don't know why time has to pass so quickly. It feels like yesterday I was rushing to the hospital to see him in the NICU. My 6 foot Godson was only 3 lbs 7 oz at birth, 13 weeks premature. I fell in love with him instantly. I saw the beautiful soul he would become. It was difficult to spend a lot of one on one time with him while he was growing up because I had a four year old and a four month old when he was born. Plus, he and my younger son were inseparable so neither one of them wanted to spend time with anyone but each other.

I did my best to get to know him the way I did with my oldest Godson and niece. It was difficult when the kids all just wanted to be together. Last year I was in New York and my son wasn't there for a few days at the beginning and the end of my trip. I got one on one time with him a lot! I got to see a side of him that not a lot of people get to see. He's hilarious, first of all. He's so smart and so grounded. He's an only child and yet he has none of the stigmas associated with only children. And he loves being an only child. He's comfortable in his own skin in a way that a lot of teenagers aren't. He's laid back, yet he observes everything around him and has really good instincts about people. He's wise beyond his years. He's very similar to my oldest son in that he does things his way, not really caring what anyone else thinks about it (in a good way!). Those moments spent sitting on the floor with him one on one will forever be etched in my mind. For him it probably wasn't that memorable, he's known how much I adore him from birth. But for me? It was beyond magical. It was like time stood still and I got to make up for all those years that I lived so far away and the time spent together was too crazy for times like this. I remember I told him I wished everyone could see this side of him. He told me (in almost the exact words my oldest used) "Nah. Not everybody is worth showing this side to. If they don't want to get to know me then why bother? They will think what they want anyway" Damn it took me 40 years to figure that out! Smart kid.

My kids are used to seeing me cry on days like today. They know how much I love my Godsons and nieces. They are upset too, family is important to them. So tonight as I wipe the tears that have been flowing today as I remember the boy he was and the man he is becoming, I celebrate him. I applaud him and the choices he's making and I silently whisper a prayer for God to continue to watch over my Pickolas and guide him and keep him safe. And I send him love from across all the miles and I hope he knows how very much I love him and how proud I am of him. And I pray that he and my son don't graduate college on the same weekend because I want a front row seat to watch that milestone <3 p="">3>