Father’s Day metamorphosis

I had had this foolish notion that my first Father’s Day without my father wouldn’t be THAT bad. After all, he died in August 2000. His birthday was in September. Then there was Christmas, followed by my parents’ anniversary, in March. Father’s Day, which he really didn’t seem to embrace, followed so many opportunities to grieve that I thought it would be easier. It was not.

Then I thought it would get easier as the years passed, and it did, a little, until 2004, when I became a father for the first time. So when Father’s Day came along that year, I was filled with conflicting emotions. I was happy to be a dad, but sad that my daughter would never see my father except in pictures. He’d never see me being a dad, as he saw my sisters become moms. I was, among other things, irrationally jealous.

So now, finally, I’ve found myself in a better place as a father, without my father.