Office drone by day, Roller Derby announcer by night. I tell the truth when I'm too lazy to make things up.

Squat challenge, my ass.

It started out with the best of intentions. Someone, somewhere, posted that they and a group of like minded booty-thusiasts were going to complete this squat challenge, and the perky assed infographic showed up in one of my social media news feeds, and well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Of course, I wasn’t going to do it alone, so I sent it to my workout buddy on day 3 with a text that read something like “oh, btw, we’re doing this and you’re 3 days behind schedule, so you’ve got 60 squats coming at you today”.

The problem is that these things are called challenges for a reason.

Other than occasional forgetfulness, the first half was no big deal. Between my roller derby past and my comfortable relationship with the gym right now, I was sure that I’d be all over this one. 20 bodyweight squats? No problem! 100? Is that all you’ve got (no, the answer here is no).

The problem wasn’t starting the challenge, or even maintaining it. The problem now is that I have to fucking finish it. Each day is a chore. It takes serious time and effort to bust out almost 200 squats. I’m squeezing in sets in the bathroom, or while my coffee is brewing at work. I’ve been caught squatting so many times now that it no longer phases me.

It also hurts. You may recall that I have a surgically reconstructed ankle with enough metal in it to raise eyebrows (and pant legs) at the airport, and after an ACL tear and reconstruction, my left knee could be generously referred to as crunchy at best.

Sidenote: about halfway through the month, my workout buddy and I decided to invest a significant part of our workout efforts to improving our ass-to-grass squats. She has similar mobility issues to me, and if either of us were to previously drop it like it’s hot, we sure as hell couldn’t pick it back up again, not without an assist. After a few weeks of concentrated effort, I’m not quite yet getting tush to turf, but I can certainly get low enough to fart on your garden gnome. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

We’ve spent most of November squatting, all the while improving our form, but even with this effort, we managed to fall 5 days behind schedule. It’s December 2nd, but we’re only on day 27 of 30. I think I spend about 15 minutes a day squatting now, but it feels like it’s 24/7. Oh, and let’s not forget that all of this is on top of my thrice (or more) weekly trips to the sweatatoreum.

I feel like I’m constantly trying to rally the energy and mental fortitude to bust out another round of 20 or 30 squats, and I’m usually stuck looking for quiet moments alone in which to do so. My knee and ankle hate me. My underbutt is permanently sore.

I don’t remember my life before the squat challenge, but with only 3 more days of active squatting (currently planned for Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday), I’m beginning to see the finish line. I find myself asking “what comes after a squat challenge?” because I’ll tell you a little secret…while derby butts are fantastic gravity defying structures, they are not eternal. For every retired skater, there is an ass that is slowly but surely falling and flattening.

I must have been missing my derby butt to have signed up for such squat challenge foolishness. I will admit that at some point this fall I was checking myself out in a mirror (as I often do, because, c’mon, look at me) and noticed that my ass wasn’t all that it used to be. I’ll also admit that having done more than 1,900 squats in the past month has certainly perked up my posterior. So, with the end in sight, I’m left wondering. What are maintenance squats? How many squats do I have to do every day, for the rest of my life, in order to keep up my derby ass? 50? Do I need to do them every day? What about a monthly target instead? Will 1,500 squats every 30 days be enough? Am I willing to do 18,000 squats a year, for the next 56 years, to ensure that when I’m 92 years old I’ll still be able to fill out a pair of jeans leggings? That’s over a million squats.

I guess the lesson I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t do everything I see on facebook. If you’re going to ignore this very valuable advice, then I alternately advise you do to absolutely everything you see online. Knit the sweater, bake the cake, make a million and a half easy crockpot meals, vote, protest, stage 19 elves on shelves and 3 troopers on poopers. Get a puppy. Get a million cats.