500 words a day on whatever I want

female-led relationships

Note: this post is not PG-13. It has some sex stuff in it – but not what you are thinking!

A female-led relationship, also known as wife-led marriage or loving female authority by its advocates, is where the woman is the married head of the householdand makes all the decisions. It is not a thing of whips and chains and leather (though sometimes it does become that!) – it is just a different power arrangement.

She makes all the decisions – about money, sex, housework, everything. She might ask her husband for his opinion, but she has the last word. He does not fight about it or disobey her. She does not nag, she does not play games to push his buttons – because she does not have to: they both openly accept her authority.

Some say it goes against nature or against the Bible. It certainly goes against the male pride of most men. But some secretly want it. They will even try “stealth submission” where they take over most of the housework and do whatever their wife wants without question – but even that is not enough for them. They want her to know she is in charge and act like it. It turns them on.

The man winds up doing most of the housework. Because she can just tell him to do it and he does it. For example, if she wants to go out with her friends while he works on the laundry, she just says it: “I’m going out with the girls tonight. While I’m gone you can work on the laundry.” No fights, no games, no nagging, no nothing.

Some other things she might say to him:

Go get the lotion. I need you to rub my feet.

Run my bath for me. And while I’m in there get started on the laundry.

Get up, Sweetheart, and make me some coffee and an English muffin with butter.

You did a nice job cleaning the bathrooms; I am very pleased with you.

I think I need to put you on a budget. At the beginning of every week, I’ll give you an allowance. If an emergency comes up, please feel free to come to me and we can discuss giving you some extra money.

She not only controls their money but also their sex life:

I want a full body massage for exactly one hour; keep an eye on the clock. When you are done I want you to go down on me until I tell you to stop. Afterwards, we’ll both go to sleep. You won’t be having an orgasm tonight.

Her needs come first. His come second – if he has been good. Some say a man is easiest to control if he comes only once a month. There are debates about this on the Internet as it is a key number in these relationships. It is hard for the man, but it makes sex way less boring for him.

Thanks to commenter BCR for linking to her blog where I found out about this. I did not even conceive that such a thing was possible.

Why my wife argues – an angry, bitter (but good) post I wrote after one of my fights with my wife. It seems like maybe she wanted this sort of relationship but I fought it tooth and nail and then, two years after I wrote that post, I left.

um maybe i am just a little old fashioned, but reading that kind disturbed me. it just doesn’t sound right. it sounds like an extreme only on the opposite end this time…its disturbing all the same if a guy was doing this to a girl…but it still just doesn’t sound right with a girl doing that…it just seems to slave master-slave like.

I confronted my brother in law one night after she made him shut up and get off the computer about why he did not stand up for himself and he said it wasn’t worth it. He knew he was passive and he picks his fights. When all I could do was gape, he only shrugged and said I don’t like confrontations.

Abagond, this sounds a bit exaggerated. I know and have never heard of such relationships even though they may exist. This sounds disturbing and sounds more like a parent/child relationship. I could not and would not respect a man that allowed me to dominate like that. And on top of that, I wouldn’t even want to dominate like that.

I am attracted to strong masculine men so this type of relationship doesnt appeal to me. I like for a man to be a man and take charge. Not in a what I say goes disrespectful way, but in a confident alpha male way. If I wanted a female led relationship like the one described here I would just have a child lol

This reminds me “Rasputia”, a character from an Eddie Murphy movie “Norbit”.
That’s equivalent to men that abuse their partners, it’s just repugnant.
Hope victim in those relationships have a wake-up call (imediately!)

Ugh. I can’t stand men like this. I prefer to have a man leading me or something equal. I like a strong man at all times. He has to know how to manage money, how to make desicions, and he has to dominiate me in bed. I consider myself a Alpha Female I would like to have a Alpha Male by my side to lead out pack.

This type of relationship may appear really strange if it’s not your thing. But it’s not an abusive relationship – abuse is a different topic. In the type of relationship Abagond described, the husband is the willing subject of the wife’s dominance and control. He’s not tolerating ill-treatment that he doesn’t want. He distinctly WANTS to be with a woman who dominates him and has all the control. He is unfulflled otherwise.

This is not a race issue; a little research will make that very clear. It’s a relationship issue. And while it may be a little off the beaten path and a shock when you first hear of it, it’s not all that shocking when you consider the variety of people’s tastes: some people enjoy watching their partner be intimate with someone else, some people go to swingers clubs; some people get sexually intimate with their pet dog, etc. And these aren’t “weirdos” that you would run from, it’s typically your “normal” looking next door neighbour; you just don’t always know about it.

Abagond, for such a controversial topic, you handled this post really well. I must admit, I’d never heard of this before, so I sure was taken aback when I read it! But when I followed up on the internet, I couldn’t believe how much stuff there was on it.

While I suspect there are more couples doing this where the man is the top and the woman more submissive, I know quite a few relationships that are female-led.

However, they maintain health because he generally has the right to contribute his point of view and opinion, and they both enjoy the game of ordering him to do something that he was going to do anyway or enjoys doing anyway. In some ways it’s very healthy because people engaging in this come from a subculture where consent and boundaries for behavior are actively negotiated, and generally there is a safeword in place that stops the game entirely due to physical, emotional, or mental problems.

I’ve seen mild playful forms of this relationship to the full on extreme. It’s someone’s distinct taste, and I would argue that it’s not uncommon.

For the men, there are some things they like to be in control of- but not everything is a power struggle for them- Household chores, who cooks, budgets. I would also argue that alot of ideals presented here go against gender norms, but gender ideals tend to run sexists and outdated in many cases. Just because a woman’s running the show does not mean she has to be disrespectful to her partner; as if men are these beacons of light that have the right answers for everything. It’s going to depend on the individuals and their respect for themselves and others.

When I read “mental problems” in describing relationships in which both parties share in power, or the female sits in the lead, I question how accepting are we when interacting with people who’s values run different from ours.

I’ve seen mild playful forms of this relationship to the full on extreme. It’s someone’s distinct taste, and I would argue that it’s not uncommon.

I would agree. There are a lot of people that are into BDSM and or Dominatrix scenarios that are seen by the subgroup as perfectly healthy as long as both consenting adults are responsible. Many of these couples are as conservative and very mainstream on the outside—but their relationships follow a different path, which are obviously not everyone’s cup of tea and suit them just fine.

Still, there is the niggling expectation that Black women would more likely enjoy and gravitate toward this type of Dominatrix or female led union, when in fact most Black women traditionally acquire leadership roles in families out of necessity (being the sole bread winner, single parent, being the only care taker for ailing relatives, etc), instead of some eclectic desire to lead or humiliate a man—simply because they can. Fetishers and Freaks are more likely to entertain this belief and some Black women will play along or believe showing strengths in this manner is the only way to hook a man.

In any case, it should be noted that female led relationships are subjective. I am sure leigh204 can back me up on this but Filipino families are often matriarchal and often time the women lead the relationships. Anecdotally I have a cousin who works as a nurse and a lot of the Filipino nurses actively look for white men because their own men usually are less likely to seek out work and contribute to the household. The same can be said of some Scandinavian groups, in which the woman is often times more assertive and willing to take on unconventional roles compared to American/European women.

Of course, extreme forms of this power relationships take on a totally different kink.

It was commenter BCR who first brought up the topic of female-led relationships on this blog. She did it in terms of “dominant black women”:

“There a many types of men that like black women, especially dominant black woman. Hence, many espouse that trait is the very thing that turns black men and others off. However, there are men out there who appreciate assertiveness, and desire female led relationships.”

“This sounds disturbing and sounds more like a parent/child relationship. I could not and would not respect a man that allowed me to dominate like that. And on top of that, I wouldn’t even want to dominate like that.”

DITTO!

The person doing the dominating is just as warped as the one being dominated.

I strongly prefer male dominance. It’s also prescribed by my religion and seems to work really well in my home. But we’re not nearly that extreme. The dominance is more about having him break a stalemate, being respected as a protector and provider, or my asking him for advice and leadership.

Besides, after a few years most things are just habit and there’s not much discussion about most stuff anymore.

One of our former landlords had that sort of relationship with his wife. She used to order him around like a dog, and not in a nice ‘Mummy loves you’ sort of way. It was embarrassing to hear and impossible to avoid since we lived in their backyard.

I don’t want a violent, domineering and selfish partner but I don’t want a Ballsless Wonder either.

Same here Aiyo, 50/50. Last time I checked I was an adult and I don’t live beyond Thunderdome so I don’t need a protector or leader. And I don’t want a man who didn’t snip the apron strings either. I know its different strokes for different folks but this screams master/slave and that doesn’t sit well with me.

Most males seek Female approval and secretly desire female authority. They feel more balanced when they are guided by a Woman. In whatever ways a Woman manages her FLR with her male, as long as their happy, good for them.

A female led relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that the woman acts like a bitch, nor that the man is a mat to be walked on.

At it’s most basic, it’s a relationship in which the female clearly expresses what she would or wouldn’t like, and the male chooses (or doesn’t choose) to defer to her wishes. In this way, the male is free to please her, while being released from trying to read her mind or read unclear messages she may or may not send out.

Imagine having a strong, intelligent man who’s goal is to please the woman he’s with, You. He wants You to be happy, to have time and energy to pursue your interests and hobbies, and he wants to do his best to ensure that You’re sexually satisfied.

And to aid in this effort of his, he primarily asks that you communicate CLEARLY to him what your needs and wants are, so that he can work towards fulfilling them for you.

This is the absolute basics of female led relationships. In my opinion, there’s nothing sick, perverted, or weird about it. It’s actually quite romantic.

Individuals, however, differ. Some women abuse their power, just as some men abuse their power over their wives/girlfriends. This is a reflection of the individual and/or the individual’s relationships, and not a reflection on the basics of ‘power exchange relationships’.

It’s also not necessarily unequal power in the relationship, as each time he agrees to your decision, that is an active choice on his part.

If you’re open to and interested in his opinion, then he’ll feel free to express them, to offer advice, and/or to point out things that you may not be aware of. However, he ultimately leaves the decision up to you, to your wants, to your needs. (Unless, of course, you’ve left this particular area of life up to his expertise and skills.)

Personally, I find having a strong, capable male interested in meeting my needs and desires to be a turn-on. But, *shrug*, to each her own.

“Most males seek Female approval and secretly desire female authority. They feel more balanced when they are guided by a Woman. In whatever ways a Woman manages her FLR with her male, as long as their happy, good for them.”

What I find unsettling about that statement – and most others from the female-led camp – can be shown if you change up the sexes:

“Most females seek Male approval and secretly desire male authority. They feel more balanced when they are guided by a Man. In whatever ways a Man manages his MLR with his female, as long as their happy, good for them.”

If only “inferior, lowly” men think that things are a power struggle, then why are women obsessed with controlling, dominating, “leading” everything in a relationship. You women (all of you) are hypocritical scum.

The power struggle is real: at least men (who are superior) admit that.

“Just because a woman’s running the show does not mean she has to be disrespectful to her partner; as if men are these beacons of light that have the right answers for everything. It’s going to depend on the individuals and their respect for themselves and others.”

A blog is probably the worst place in the world to go looking for guidance on the best way to live.

But I’m a sucker for giving advice, so here’s my best shot. If it does not make sense to you, forget it.

You’re looking to marry soon, but you don’t have a girlfriend yet? Isn’t that a bit strange? Marriage is serious shit, man. You need to do a bit of exploration first.

Think of a relationship as a cake with many layers. At the bottom, we have love. I mean being really fond of your partner, wanting to be with him or her. Then we have partnership. Being a good team. I guess that also means handling money, raising kids together, etc. Then comes sex. I won’t try to explain that. Then comes the final layer. Let’s call it the dynamic. If you’re blogging here, you may be interested in a dominant wife. Then it’s important to know what you both expect. For instance, I like my wife to be assertive and sometimes to give me orders. But I would not want her to run my whole life, and I am definitely not her slave. Other men do want to be slaves. Work it out between you.

It’s complicated, I know. But it’s also exciting.

Good luck.

Gruffalo

Socrates was an old Greek. He went around giving people advice. They killed him.

I m a kind of doormat male looking for a bossy woman to lead me by the nose and treat me as a cuckold but it seems that in reality even domme women dont like my type. I would prefer a woman who treats me like a male girlfriend than a male…but I have no luck. However this ismyideal type of woman. Once I had a Domme who used me this way, she was abusive in public telling “you shut up” or once she slapped me and I admit that despite the humiliation it was the right treatment for me. At home gradually she just used me but finally she got tired and dumped me for another sub with abit more backbone. However there are a few people like me who could take extreme femdom. Any comments ?

You don’t need a woman to smack you out in public if that’s what you like. Just go into any bar, say something suitably obscene to a woman, she will smack you out, that is, if her boyfriend/husband doesn’t punch you out No need for a relationship to elicit such behaviour. Besides, it’s cheaper!

I completely support the Female-led-Marriage and I am in one myself. If you really want to see what kinds of problems arise or how people behave join the EXPERIENCE PROJECT for free. It is a good community with good people who respect each other. When there, search for me “doctorrs”

There is a lot more on this topic at http://www.aboutflr.com. It will help dispel myths and help show what FLR is and is not. Lots of people participate in FLR and there are many issues. I idea is a minor culture in itself and does not have to have any kink in it. I have extensive polls, quizzes and self assessment, articles, information and a discussion board.

As an openly submissive man, I can assure you Female Led Relationships are much more widespread than anyone can imagine and they have little to do with abuse, humiliation or the de-masculinization of men. They’re about celebrating and empowering women as relationship leaders. I, for one, have been submissive my entire life. This isn’t a kink – though there is a strong sexual component about it. I have always been – and always will be – a [proud] submissive man.

I would love to be in a Female-led Relationship. Actually I would love to be married to a male, I can drag by the nose. I find so hot to have a man I can humiliate, spank, slap and he in return kisses my feet. It is so hot an erotic to have my husband in apron, or wearing my used silky panties at night and during the day under his suite. Women don’t even know what they miss, it is so erotic and arousing to have an obedient submisisve man who always tells me “yes dear” Finally I would love to marry a nice faminine male, who will not have objections if I meet younger guys and have sex with them. Yes, I am a cougar I love sexy hot men but I would love to have my hubby waiting for me at home wearing his frilly panties and an apron. Some women love strong masculine guys. I feel hot when my man is a wimp who is always obedient to me.

Allow me to clarify something here, actually, quite a few things…I’m a pretty tough cookie, thank you, played football in high school, have trained in the martial arts for years. I’m that guy who will step up quick if he sees a male abusing a female, I’ve done it many more times than once, and no, I do not have to know her. I am a take control kinda guy. Because, I choose to be submissive to my wife in no way makes me weak. It would a huige mistake to understimate me. And there are things which I control in our daily lives. Yes, I do all of the cooking, and grocery shopping…Makes sense, I can cook much better than most people I meet. I LOVE to cook, got a problem with that? My wife certainly doesn’t. You see, it is easy to sit and make blanketed judments here when you do not comprehend what is being spoken about. For your info those who doubt, I am very dominant. There is only one thing which brings me to my knees, and that is a beautiful, confident woman. Do you think you could go grab any woman, hand her a whip, and tell her to dominate me? Hang it up, she could lash me bloody, and I’d never submit to her, never make a sound. Let my gorgeous wife become displeased with me, and I’m a puddle at her feet. Let her whip me, and listen to me cry. I love her, I adore her, she loves, and adores me. Neither of us lives for this, it is simply a part of our relationship. We’ve been married for almost 10 years, and we’re more inlove than any couple I’ve ever met. I don’t desire to be unished, if you believe that you REALLY don’t get it! If I am punished, it means I DIDN’T GET IT, and I will be disappointed in myself. I know this, you people who sit in judgment definately do not have as happy a relationship as my wife and I do, I know this for a fact. Everyone we know wants to know what our secret is, how are we so happy…If we tell them, it won’t be our little secret any longer. We just had this conversation last night, that’s a HUGE turn on for both of us. We don’t care if anyone knows our thing…Go find your own! How many of you nay-sayers are in great relationships? And I do mean GREAT. When was the last time you actually communicated openly with your partner? We do it on a continual basis, so go get jealous, you should. Do not speak about what is natural and what is not, do not be so certain that what you believe to be the truth actually is. Please check my name, yes, my wife named me this. Do I make fun of people for their plain, ordinary, boring vanilla lives? No. Does your husband treat you like the Queen you deserve to be? No? Why not? Does your submissive, bambi wife, with her Twenty word vocabulary please you? Sorry, but, I’m tired of listen to the crowd say deplorable things about things they don’t understand, and are not intelligent enough to comprehend anyway. Call me a wimp, ok. So, you like to dream? Dream on.

I would love to be in a female led relationship, a mostly sexual aggressive, and male domineering woman. A dream come true. I don’t know why I am like this but I just am. There is nothing more that needs to be said. How can this life style of mine cone true? I believe the woman should have total power and control over the male. Sone think that total power leads to abuse. Yet abuse is subjective. I remember my 1st high school girl friend slapping me across the face in front of her mother. Which egg her on to slip me again. Later years she learned how to use and restrain herself from abusing me un necessarily. Some say abuse others say it’s correction. I say it’s the later. However that relationship didn’t last as long. It’s been awhile since I had any type of relationships. Later all.

Having a Female Led Relationship is something that I have desired. the problem is that I am a black man and there exist very strong perceptions of how black men should be in society.

the other problem is that although many black women appear to be aggressive, bossy or assertive. the majority of them desire a relationship that is patriarchal in nature.

women today are very confusing, they stand for feminism and their right to be just as aggressive as men. they desire to be Alpha Females but are repulsed by beta males. They seek out relationships with other Alpha males and then complain when they get abused, cheated on, or divorce him when he is being his natural self and attempting to be more in control of the relationship ( that’s not to say that all alpha males behave like this)

I desire to be in a Female-Led Relationship because I am tired of the power struggles with women in relationships, I believe I will be much more happier and content in breaking gender roles and being in charge of the domestic duties as well as going out to work and provide for my family.

the whole bdsm thing doesn’t work for me because I also want to be treated with respect in the relationship. also I want for the woman to love me and treat me with honor as a human being.

I think that having a woman who is completely in charge would be a wonderful experience for both of us!

by watching other alpha males like Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Kobe Briant. I assume that an Alpha female would probably want to have sex with other men outside the relationship. Not because she is not satisfied….but because she can.

After thinking long and hard about it, I wouldn’t want the marriage to end for something as frivolous as sex, so I am prepared to accept her infidelity if she is open and honest with me about her sexual freedom & expression.

I’m a woman (white) looking for a flr with a man of any nationality, but where do I look? I’m in the UK and none of the dating sites seems to cater for people like me.

I really liked the previous comments by the black gentleman (you sound lovely, by the way!) Like you, I’m not into BDSM (or infidelity, for that matter) but when I try to look for flr dating all I seem to come across are talking shops or BDSM porn and domintrix types looking for slaves! Not my sort of thing.

Wow, this is a pretty negative post for it being something that it seems like no one here even has interest in anyway. How exactly are you going to discuss something that relates to BDSM without pointing out the very obvious role of consent? Like someone said above, TPE is something that some people seek out and enjoy, even if it’s not what I personally seek out and enjoy. I don’t judge other people’s kink given that no one is being abused, but the responses here are highly judgmental and buy into the homophobia and misogyny that make it so that men who DO enjoy this are not permitted to do so and so that women who don’t enjoy traditional “feminine” roles are stigmatized as abusers. This should’ve drawn a better, clearer line between abusers who drag their partners into a controlling relationships and people who are constantly checking whether their partner still wants to continue the relationship and proactively looking for any disconfirming evidence when the partner always say “yes”.

The problem is that most websites that describe a FLR seem to go to the extreme. In real life, if we are honest with ourselves, the woman runs the household. I see dominant wives all the time but they give their husbands the illusion that they are in charge.

However, a FLR is different for everyone. I acknowledge that my wife is the head of our household but I do not do all the housework, stay at home while she works, or act like her slave to do anything she wants me to do. In our FLR, all major decisions are done jointly. I am my good old alpha self outside of our home. All work related decisions are mine to make. I have a few household chores to do but they are few compared to what my wife does since I work full time and she does not. She still asks for my opinions and permission if she thinks I would get upset, even though she does not have to.

We both love each other deeply but the only difference is that my wife has the final say in all matters of the household, finances and social life. It actually lifts a burden off of my shoulders because before we were constantly making decisions based on trying to please each other and that got tiresome. I was treated like a king for 41 years and I have some guilt about that. Now it is her time to be pampered and take over most of the everyday decisions. The only difference is that she now decides things that she likes instead of what she thinks I like. This is no different than many marriages that are like this but have no label attached to them.

Help ! I’m a 76 year old (but fit and young for age!) submissive male just aching/yearning still to find a caring women to accept me in a Long term loving Female led relationship .I’m not a wimp just want to give pleasure and learn to serve and obey.

I’m young, I enjoy pleasuring the woman sexually, and making her happy and all, but I simply could not be in a relationship where the woman is in control like that. I really don’t know what goes on in the minds of men nowadays. The stay-at-home dad phenomenon is really weird to me. I say that a man needs to have a job, a car and should wear the pants.

I’m a sugar baby in waiting (my husband is still alive) who will be looking for a fit old man over 75, so I can spend every dime of his Social Security benefits and pension (don’t worry, we’ll find a way to get Medicaid to pay your rent)

and trust, I fully intend to keep your a’s in line; and Of Course, you will obey me – that’s the only way you will get your diapers changed or your false teeth put in for breakfast.

I’m living an FLR with my wife. We are both convinced with how each one of us is positioned within the relationship. The only thing she has not accepted till now is to let me serve her feet in public. I told her I would be proud if I get publicly known as her foot slave/servant.

If she won’t ‘let you serve her in public, I’ll let you do it. We can get married and you can start by handing over your pay cheque. You can also carry my shopping bags whilst I shop. Once we get home, you can prepare dinner for me, run a bubble bath after, and finish it off by rubbing my feet, i will then roll over and go to sleep. Sound romantic? Up your alley? Email me at getlostloser.com.

I am thinking of writing on her facebook wall something like ‘not only should I be crawling for you and kissing your foot but I will be lucky if you decide to push your foot into my mouth as how you deserve to be honored’ but I do not know how she will react to it.

lol far be it from me to feed into some type of negative crap, but my wife is an alpha and i have to stay on point or she will drive a damn steamroller over me; however, we are equally yoked, so its not strictly a FLR. if you ask her she might not admit it but she would be sore tempted to brag for sure

I’m not trying to pass judgment on Paolo’s lifestyle nor is it what I would call depraved. They are two consenting adults who both want and enjoy a female-led relationship. It isn’t something I would want for myself, but I do not condemn it.

What concerns me is Paolo is ready to take this public, his wife is not, and he is thinking of posting something on her FB page to make it public despite her opposition. This would concern me in any type of relationship. He is trying to manipulate her into something she isn’t ready to do, regardless of any negative repercussions it might have on her life.

Moreover, within the specific context of a female-led relationship, his willingness to disregard her feelings and defy her is not true submission. He wants everyone to see him make a public display of his submission to her BUT he wants this so much he is willing to defy her authority. If he wants to truly be submissive to his wife, he should be obeying her and honoring her decision that their FLR remain private.

No true. I was only thinking and wishing but I will not do anything outside the boundaries set by her. I actually can not. All I am saying is that I really wish to have the reputation of being her foot servant.

Then I misunderstood and I am reassured to hear that is the case. My apologies. It is ok to talk about your desire to go public and your fantasies of being her public foot servant. Maybe someday you will both be at the same place and ready to live out those fantasies. Or maybe you will find a safe semi-public space to express those desires in a limited way, like within a BDSM club.