Contents

[Vince is sitting in front of the desk where he does his normal introduction speech.]

Vince: What's goin' on, Hybrids? Today, me and Ev-- where ever he is [the video skips back several times, making Vince repeat the last second of dialogue over and over]

[Abrupt cut to Evan sitting in the dark at a dining room table, his back to the camera. Vince's voice starts just before it cuts back to him sitting in front of the desk.]

Vince: -is, are going to tell you ab-b-bout [video skips again, very briefly] martial arts and a little bit of self-defense. This is actually a topic that he knows quite a bit about, being a martial arts teacher and all, also, uh, at the end of our little thing we got going on today, our little episode, Jeff's gonna give you a brief message, and then we'll wrap up, and you'll have an awesome, awesome episode. [double thumbs up at the camera] So enjoy guys. Follow us on this journey to martial arts kingdom! [starts to stand and move off-camera]

[Cut to Vince's basement. Music is playing. Evan is standing, facing the camera.]

Evan:[stops making angry faces] I will. All right, guys, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna show you guys some simple self-defense, against the enemy, if you got no weapons, just your bare hands and feet--

Vince:[talking over Evan] Bare hands!

Evan:[makes a fist, holds it up dramatically] God's weapons. [drops fist] So I'm gonna show you guys some real easy ways to defend yourself against some street brawl.

Vince: And how not to hurt yourself while defending yourself.

[Vince leans over at 0:55, revealing what appears to be Slenderman's shoulder in the corner behind him but is later shown to be a picture frame.]

Evan: Indeed.

[Fade to Evan beginning his self-defense lecture.]

Evan: Okay guys, I'm gonna show you the basic fighting stance you can stand in when you're, uh, when you're in a fight. Ha. [demonstrates as he explains] One foot out in front, knees bent a little bit, hands up here, I got my shoulders up just a little bit. You want your hands above your chin, that's an important spot, that's a button that'll knock you right out. And here's a couple things you can do-- [points at the camera, and presumably Jeff] want me to do the punches now? Okay. Um, some... proper way to punch, let's say I'm gonna do a jab, you just kinda want to fsssh [makes swishing noise, punches the air] throw it straight out from your face...

[1:22 A face can be seen moving left to right through the blinds in the window or it is the reflection of a cast member off screen.]

...straight out, and then back. [demonstrating] And see how my shoulder's still up a little bit, above, still blocking my chin-- [points at camera] same deal, it's protection. On a cross, you punch kinda like this. Again, straight from your chin, straight out, now see how my body twists a little bit when I punch, boom, see how I go up on my toes and stuff, that means that you're using your body, kinda propelling your body into the punch, and that gives you a lot more power. So if anybody tries to fuck with you, a nice quick jab, then a nice big nasty cross, and ohhh, they fall asleep. Okie-dokie? [belches]

[Fade to Evan and Vince in the basement, moving into another part of the lecture.]

Evan: All right, so, defense. Basically, Vinnie's gonna throw a couple punches, and I'm gonna defend 'em. So, first of all, I'm in my fightin' stance-- whaaa! So, let's say he throws a straight punch to my face, there's two main ways to get out of the way of this. [Vinnie throws a couple punches, Evan demonstrates the blocks while talking.] Either parry it out of the way, which was I moved my hips to the side and slapped his hand out of the way, or slipping, which is just getting out of the way. So the main idea of that is you just wanna move your hips, kinda whah [whooshing noise], and get away from the punch. And parrying is just slapping the punch while doing that.

Vince: Now with the parry, you don't wanna go too soft, because he'll just break right through. Do it soft. [Vince and Evan demonstrate in slow-motion; Vince's fist “hits” Evan in the face.] Oh, look it, right through.

Evan: Oh, my face! My face!

Vince: You left yourself defenseless, and you got a good knock in the face. Also, you don't wanna go too hard, 'cause if you wind up, and go, first of all, you gave away a lot of time, and you give away what you're about to do. Ready? [Evan and Vince demonstrate again in slow motion.] By the time he got to me I was already at his chest.

[They demonstrate. Vince throws a fake punch, Evan does a huge slap, Vince retaliates with a series of fake body blows while Evan fake-groans in pain.]

Evan: And he just 'Kamehameha's.

Jeff: And now he's dead.

Evan: Uh, another punch is a hook punch. And that is, he's gonna go to the side of my head. So that's two main places that you'll be attacked at. So what I can do if he throws this to the side, I can either duck underneath [again, they demonstrate] or bob and weave, other side, woooo, like that. And what a bob and weave is, different than a duck, a duck is just like that [drops straight down briefly], a bob and weave is if he throws this hand, I'm gonna duck underneath and-- do it slow-- I'm gonna duck underneath and go towards him so then I'm on this side of his body. And he doesn't have any weapons on this side, and he's not expecting to fight me on that side. So what you can do after you bob and weave is just kinda boom boom [throws punches at Vince's side] you know what I mean, hit him in the, in all the organs and in the face. Another way to get out of the way of a hook, or to block one, is to cover. What you do for covering is just kinda pick up your arm like that [demonstrates, covering one side of his head with his bent arm] so he throws a punch at me, bam! I'm covered, go ahead, just go ahead, right to the neck. [Vince throws a few punches, the first few deliberately missing Evan, the last one actually hitting his arm.] Bam. See that? It'll hit your arm, instead of your face, and you can take more blows to your arm. Um... all right, so those are the main two punches that you can defend from. Now kicks. If let's say that the person that you're fighting is kicking you, which doesn't always happen, but, uh, sometimes, people do that. What you can do, if they're gonna do a roundhouse kick to your side, just like urgggh, like that-- go ahead, do nice and slow--

Vince:[starts to kick, then stops] I suck at roundhouse kicks, bro.

Evan: Can you just-- [pats the side of his leg] Do it, show me.

[Vince swings his leg up and weakly kicks Evan in the leg, barely above the knee.]

Vince: That's all I got. [Evan scoffs] That's all I got! I'm not a kicker.

Evan: Really?

Vince: Not a kicker.

Evan: All right, well, what you can do, what you can do if they throw one to the side of your leg, is you can kinda pick up your leg, and point your shin towards theirs. Now that's gonna hurt. A lot. 'Cause two shins clicking together is just two bones hitting onto each other. And it's uncomfortable. But it's better than having your knee broken, or being like bashed in the leg and having to be like 'aahhhh.' Okay? Um, another one would be like if they're throwing a front kick. Some of the easiest ways to get out of that is-- [jumps backwards, off camera; pans back to follow him] goin' like this. [jumps back and forth again] I'm outta the way. Okay. Also, you can just kinda step back, like that, you just, uh, doubled the length of where you are from them. What you can do after kicks, is let's say he does a-- can you do a front kick?

Vince: I suck at kicks of all ki-- [attempts a front kick into Evan's crotch anyway]

Evan: Good, good-- perfect! See! Look at you, look at you, do that again. [Vince does, Evan demonstrates as he talks] You can step back, and then swing in really fast.

Vince: Because I just put all my weight forwards into what he was--

Evan: I'm back here-- and I beat him.

Vince: Exactly. So when I kicked him, 'cause the front kick you're supposed to put as much force as possible into your target, so if go [kicks again, Evan falls down dramatically] and push, if I were to miss that [stands in some kind of weird leaning-forward with his arms straight out behind him pose], I would be here, and his knee would be there.

Evan: [imitates Vince's stance] As if he's climbing a mountain with his hands up.

[Vince sings briefly.]

Evan: Or flying across the sea.

Vince: To the magic martial arts kingdom. Anyway!

Evan: All right. So, pretty easy ways. Just, just see a kick coming, get out of the way, or you can block it like that. Um... again, if they're kicking you to the nuts, nice easy way to get out of the way of that is to just turn so that you eat it on your leg or on your hip instead. Although the hip really ain't good to get hit either.

Vince: Yeah, it's kinda-- try to avoid the hip, at all costs.

Evan: All right. [snaps fingers]

[Fade out and back in, again to Evan and Vince in the basement, for part three of the lesson.]

Evan: All right guys, now we're gonna do some basic weapon defense. Starting with knivity-knives.

Vince:[pulling something from his pocket] And I've got a deadly weapon right heeeeere! [holds up rather small switchblade]

Evan:[utterly unimpressed] Are you-- are you kidding me?

Vince: Wha?

Evan: Is that it? Really?

[Abrupt cut, during which time the knife in Vince's hand is replaced with a larger dagger.]

Vince: My big knife!

Evan: Oh, okay! That's better!

Vince: Let's do this!

Evan: Phew! Good thing that came outta nowhere, bro.

Vince: Averted catastrophe.

Evan: Yeah, well, when you have the magic (unintelligible)-- All right, so, here's a couple simple things--

Vince: Anything's possible with the...

Evan: Let's say you have no knife and some guy has a knife. That sucks. That's kinda like worst-case scenario. The first rule of a knife fight is--

Jeff: Is you don't talk about the knife fight.

Evan: -- do not get into a knife fight. At all. If there is any way that you can get the crap away from that person, do it, because knife fights will suck and you will get cut and probably die. You probably won't win there.

[Behind him, Vince plays with the knife, stabs the air, etc.]

Evan: So again, number one rule, if I see a guy with a-- [Vince aims the knife at Evan over his arm like he's aiming a gun, Evan laughts] don't do that.

Vince: Never nose-scope somebody with a...

Evan: It could work. It could work. [resuming previous line of thought] You know, push old ladies in your way. Second rule, find something bigger than the knife. But again, you don't have that--

Jeff: Like a grizzly bear!

Evan: So, let's say he does something as simple as tries to push it into my stomach. Now the first thing you want to do, is get the hell out of the way, and get control of it. [They demonstrate while Evan talks.] So he does that again-- waaah! You wanna get to the side and grab right about-- can you see where I'm grabbin' him? Grab right about here, I forgot that you were left-handed.

Vince: Yeah, I know, me too.

Evan: Grab right about here, which is like the meat of his hand, and also the back of his hand. Now, if you're able to grab that, which, I mean, sometimes you can't, but you get a little control of it and you get it out of the way if nothing else. But, let's say you can do that, bam, you get ahold of the—the hand. Now what you do is curl up like this, and simply-- see how his hand is, just like you're doin' that [makes a fist]-- you can simply twist the hand this way, and it'll snap the wrist, do it fast enough. Now also, though he may not let go of this, or I may not be able to snap his wrist, once I get ahold of his hand, and I've neutralized the danger of the knife I can start destroying him with punches and kicks and headbutts and even biting his throat out-- stuff like that. Maybe even getting into the eye. And also--

Vince: And... if you can't do that, if you can't snap the wrist, it still hurts like a mofo, so he might actually just drop the knife.

Evan: Yeah!

Vince: 'Cause that hurts. If you do that hard enough, it hurts really bad.

Evan: Yeah!

[Fade to black, then fade back in on Evan and Vince wrapping up.]

Vince: All right fellas, so we gave you some, uh--

Evan: Simple stuff. [Ducks down out of frame briefly, then stands back up]

Vince: Simple knife defense, which is, you know, run away. We've got some simple self-defense with your fists, against fists, and as you can see Evan's the professional in this one. 'Cause he works there. I was just the dummy. [The “professional” grins crazily and starts making chopping motions with the large knife Vince was using earlier.] So... please no YouTube hate for my terrible technique.

Evan: And remember guys, there is a lot more stuff-- I-I mean, we had to make this short, but um, if you guys wanted to learn I would highly suggest looking up any other kind of videos you can find of self defense, more lengthy ones, like...

Vince: Even—even classes aren't that expensive most of the time.

Evan: That's true.

Vince: So... they're a lot cheaper than the gym, and they get you a lot more out of it.

Evan: Classes at my school especially. But I'm not sure I wanna advertise that.

[Cut to all three standing in front of a couch. Jeff is in the middle.]

Jeff: All right guys, in addition to the whole self-defense, martial arts, we also got a small response for yoga and meditation. And though I personally started attending seminars, you know, on meditation recently, we're not really experts in the field of yoga...

Vince: Barely amateurs.

Jeff: Exactly. So instead of us wasting your time, and doing, you know, half-decent stretches for you guys and whatnot... [points at Evan] Mr. Downward Dog In Jeans... [Evan smiles and winks at the camera] we're gonna actually have a small contest for you guys. The best EverymanHYRBID promotion whether it be bulletin board at your local library or school or something, send a video, or take a picture of it, to the EMH promos gmail account and we'll--

Vince: Which is...EMHpromosat?

Jeff: EMHpromos(at)gmail.com. We'll put it down at the bottom.

Vince: Play it on tape. (?)

Jeff: And we'll review the best ones, and you guys will win... a personalized message from us, even though that's not that big of a deal, and some sorta yoga prize package we'll throw together, whether it be a professional DVD series, materials, something like that. Have fun with it guys.

[Jeff and Evan point at the camera; Vince throws up the horns, for some reason. Evan starts to yell something just as the camera turns off.]

As noted in the comments below, Slenderman (or, at the very least, the dark silhouette of a person) appears at 0:55 (you can see his shoulder peeking out from behind the wall to Vince's right). [Need more info, look like it's a fake one, a false top sitting on something:http://i.imgur.com/nls1i.jpg] Edit: It's not a fake Slendy, it is later seen to be a picture frame.

At the beginning of the video, Evan is seen sitting at a table in the dark. This seems similar to the scenes of Evan talking to himself in Ryan & the SEVENTRIALSOFHABIT. The guys can't see this, similar to the "hidden" videos.

The crew announces a contest at the end of the video. One of the two winners of this contest was Magus, who received this video as his reward. The other winner was stormoftara who never received her prize for this contest, however, months later, she received a letter of apology from Jeff and the only purple wristband that has been known to be distributed to a fan.