A Tour Of My Emotions

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

05:23

Ok so the newspaper thing turned out to be a lie as well, but I did honestly think I was going to be in there.

Hi, by the way. It’s been a while.

The reason I thought I was going to be in the paper a few…eons ago, is because I took part in a charity football match organised by people at work. I don’t normally play football. The last time I played football was probably college, and whilst I did quite enjoy it, I wasn’t particularly good. I’ve never really felt the desire to play it since then. I’d much prefer to play tennis, or, you know, do nothing. But yes, I was asked to do it, and I thought it sounded fun enough, until they came up with the “catch”: We all had to dress as women.

Now I wasn’t particularly sure whether I was really happy about the idea, or incredibly scared. It turned out to be the latter. I didn’t want to introduce the idea of me dressing as a girl with my colleagues, they do, after all, already see me as quite a camp kinda guy. I also didn’t really know how hard to try, whether to just have fun with it or go all out.

In the end I just kinda of thought; I always over-analyse everything, let’s just do it.

So I did. I didn’t really think about what I was going to wear until the night before the game, but I figured I should probably wear something of Sarah’s. I didn’t want it to fit too well. So I ended up with the same top I’m wearing in this photo, and on the bottom I had a denim miniskirt and fishnets. Maybe it was a little over the top, but I decided to not bother with a wig, make-up and boobs. That turned out to be the right choice, as became apparent when I turned up on the day.

Everyone else was wearing old women dresses. Some of them were wearing wigs, but they looked silly in them. There was one guy who looked like he’d tried really hard, with boobs, a wig and a young persons dress, and yet I still managed to feel like I stood out. I was accepted. I did, after all, look like a woman, which was the idea. But I felt I looked a bit too convincing. I got a lot of comments about my outfit. Mostly like “You slut” and things like that. A few people said I looked a little too good like it and that I should “watch it”. It wasn’t malicious or anything, so I took it as a compliment. Of sorts.

It turned out to be an ok day. It ended up just being awkward because the skirt was hard to run in and my legs were boiling under the fishnets, but it was quite good to be around the people I know, dressed as a girl and being accepted. It was nice to pretend that was reality.

So after I lost us the game we headed to a local pub still dressed as women and I had a few drinks with the guys and the other co-workers that came to watch. A couple of the girls seemed to be looking at me with something similar to jealousy and one guy said “I’d definitely do you” in a very sincere tone. A little unusual, but whatever, it was an unusual kind of day.

So, I figured we’d end up in the paper about it. There were a lot of people with cameras watching the game and, well, not a lot happens in our city, it would probably be front page news. I actually love reading the local paper, for a laugh and rarely anything else. There’s usually stories like “Man leaves front door open” and “Woman forgets her purse”, that sort of thing. I especially like the letters section as there’s frequently the same old guy writing in things like “I think racism is bad” and “The Beatles were great” They’re usually a bit longer than that, but seriously, there’s nothing else worth telling you. It’s like he’s starring himself in his own paper based Big Brother series or something. That’s the last thing we want, we’ve only just found out the TV series has finally been axed, any paper based spin-offs would only be good as fuel for a fire. A fire underneath an effigy of Davina McCall.

Wow sorry, I don’t mean that! (much). I just find her insanely annoying. Oh by the way, if you’re not from the UK and have never heard of her, keep it that way, do not look her up, don’t even be tempted. Claudia Winkleman too. *shivers*. There are worse people in the world, sure, but if they somehow found themselves off the air for all eternity, I would be happy.

Anyway, I should probably tell you that not a whole lot has changed in day to day life. Living with Sarah is great and it all feels so comfortable at the moment. Unfortunately that has stopped me from really pushing to get my life sorted. I have been questioning myself recently, just to make sure that I’m making the right decision, and my answer is always the same. Yes, I should be doing this. This is the right thing for me, I must push on. The right path is not always the easiest. I will get back to the doctors and sort it out. I will book my appointment for next week and get the ball rolling again. I know I’ve said it so many times, but I’m quite determined. Life may be easy at the moment, but it’s not the life I should be living anymore.

* * *

Ok, many days have passed now since I last added to this entry. Yes, this one is taking a while. My mind is flip-flopping all over the place. I just saw a video of Kim Petras, which if you’re even remotely acquainted with the transgender community, you will have heard of. Here it is.

Seen it? Good. Ok, I am not like that. I don’t know how she can be so certain at such an early age. I mean I did have thoughts like that at that kind of age, but I didn’t act on it. I knew it was different, it wasn’t really accepted generally, so I never said anything. Even if I did, like Kim did, then my parents wouldn’t have been as easy as hers are. But I’m just wondering; is it just my lack of confidence and inability to tell people how I feel the reason I never said anything, or was it not that big of a deal back then for me? If I’d have had the freedom she did, would I now be in the same situation as her? I know that if I was given the choice by my parents, I would have said “girl”, no doubt. But things have changed now. My parents don’t really accept it, and I really don’t like putting them through it; it’s not exactly good for their health. My sister doesn’t even know yet. I mean, seriously, compared to Kim Petras, my life is a bit of a shambles. Even at my age, it’s kind of too late. Sure I can still go through with it, but it won’t be as easy.

I’m sorry, this is beginning to be quite a depressing kind of entry. Sorry it’s gone on so long, but I just had to say these things, get them off my chest. I hope I don’t upset any of you out there. It’s just how I’m feeling at the moment and I’m sure my next entry will be a lot more confident and positive. Stay strong, chin up. I will try to do the same.

26 Responses to “A Tour Of My Emotions”

The football game must’ve been some game. lol. It gets into you and you start to feel all conscious and stuff.

Oh wow, before you mentioned her, Kim Petras, after the first year I questioned my sexuality, I grew more interested in the LGBTQ Community. I fished for stories of teens and young adults who suffered through childhood feeling they felt their world is not right and videos like those. The most recent book I just finished, like just a week ago, As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as A Girl, brought me to view the depths of how sexuality can be confusing (Sorry if I don’t make much sense =P ). The one I am currently reading is T.E.A.C.H. and it’s fascinating so far! As for Kim Petras, don’t be deceived that you need to be like her! Like couple weeks after watching your first vid came out, I stumbled into Kim Petras’s videos and how she was the first youngest TG. Yeah, she is part of the LGBTQ Community, but every person’s life has a different story! She is a talented singer, no doubt about that! But a same second story is dull! It’s synthetic if you follow hers. 🙂 I saw you had a piano (semi grand, and I don’t if I saw a keyboard) in one of your pictures. A guitar, too. Sounds like a perfect story: musician + a person like yourself. =]

I finished making two cute bracelets with your name hand-stitched in it! I am in the starting process of making a shirt that I was planning to stitch in some neat designs that correlates to the kind of person you are. Umm, if I may ask for permission: May I use one of your pictures to stitch-draw your portrait figure into the shirt–just one shirt?

Stop being so tense and relax Ella. lol. ^-^. I noticed in several of your blogs you were conscious of who you are and how you could blend in within the crowd. I know it’s kinda tough the fact that you constantly have to ask yourself “Am I passable?”, or “Did I overdressed?”, or “Does he/she can detect who I really am?” and some more crazy Shenanigans. Set up an appointment for a massage relaxation therapy. Or something that makes you feel more relaxed. lol. I guess it’s the fact that maybe you try to feel too conscious of yourself that you’re creating so much internal struggle. Get the massage urgently, lol!

Like wise, as you say to us, you yourself stay positive, too! Staying true to yourself and your nature (A proud Ella we have!) will get you to great places. ^-^. So…Good morning, Good evening, and Good night Ella! Stay happie!

I think it’s very common to question yourself. I do, all the time. I think the problem is that we’re not really equipped to reason out these sorts of feelings, it goes against a lot of conditioning.

I found that I spent a lot of time comparing myself to other trans people I knew, and wondering if I was trans enough. Over time I realised that I’m the only person who could make the decision about who I want to be.

Lots of people I know only started feeling really dysphoric in their 20s. I don’t know why, I wonder if maybe it has something to do with suddenly being lumped with a whole bunch of expectations you’d mostly managed to dodge until now; maybe combined with the ability to actually learn about how you feel and that it doesn’t make you like the stereotypes you see on the telly.

I know how it feels to think you’ve left it too late. I worry that the longer I’m not on hormones the harder it’s going to get, and the worse it’s going to be. But there are people who happily transition in their 30s and 40s, so maybe I shouldn’t worry yet.

I’d say join your local gender project if you haven’t already. I only did it when I moved town recently, I wish I’d done it sooner. They’ve proven themselves an excellent resource for finding treatment.

Hi Elle. I stumbled on your site a few days ago and read everything you wrote. I was a little worried after your last post about being in the paper the next day and then nothing being posted until now.

I’m really happy your still here.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand your fear and questioning yourself. I had feelings of being the wrong person nearly my entire life. When I was 17 I almost told my parents.

In fact I did tell them that I felt better wearing womens clothing. My dad asked me if I wanted to be a girl and I was so scared of what he would do to me that I told him no.

Now, almost 20 years later, I can look back and say I should have done it.

I’ve been living fulltime since I was 29 (I’m now 36) and I still question myself. Not if I’m doing the right thing, but if people can tell I’m not a normal girl. My partner (biological female with F2M trans tendencies) says I’m a silly girl and that they don’t know.

I didn’t transition until I had moved nearly 700 miles away from my family and friends. I was completely by myself and new I had the perfect opportunity and I needed to take it.

I saw a Psychologist, who after a few sessions, gave me a referral to a doctor to start hormones and less then a year later I had my name legally changed, came out to work, and started living fulltime. My job didn’t last too long, I worked in a environment with lots of construction workers and apparently I made THEM uncomfortable.

Anywho, I ended up having to move back in with my parents. I told them in no uncertain term that I would not be going back to my old self, and if they couldn’t accept that I would just have to live on the streets or something.

They didn’t turn me away, but neither do they fully accept or understand what I’m going through. For the most part I just let it go, knowing they are too set in their ways to change, but sometimes I let them know how much it hurts me that they won’t acknowledge me as their youngest daughter.

Ah well, I guess I’ve gone on long enough. I would love to be able to correspond with you directly.

~Michelle

P.S. Your photos are lovely and you are beautiful, I know you can see it, but doubt has a way of clouding our minds to the truth, be true to yourself and confident in who you are, and for the most part people will see you as you wish to be seen.

Love your blog, very honest and open. The football game sounded fun and scary, some of those comments by the other guys will be real for sure. A couple of beers and when in a jokey environment makes it easy to get away with something they wouldnt say otherwise. Bet a couple of them will be checking you out in the coming weeks!

Im very new to all this and am still struggling to find the time to dress up when I can but I have found your blog really helpful and your pics are great, I need to get a few done! Never seen you on Tvchix – you should get a profile on there, you can always hide your location if needed.

At your age its too late? C,mon girl. Its not too late, you are still very young. I’m 36 years old and I just began, it really isnt any more difficult. The only advantage a younger person really has, is the hormones. Catching it before puberty makes the hormones work a lot better. You still have to come out, still have to change your name and birth certificate. Instead of telling classmates, its your co-workers. either that you quit and start somewhere fresh as a woman. I’ve known women to get SRS in their 60’s. You’ve got plenty of time.

Allow me to be one of the ones to break the mold a little for your usual responders and supporters. And I apologize for how weird some of this may sound… but I’m being sincere and this may be my biggest coming out yet depending on how many people read this.

I’m not a part of your community, so to speak, but I’m very empathetic to you and your situation. I’ve spent my whole life living in the bondage community (an obtuse description of a wide and varied community, but for the sake of simplification I’ll merely narrow myself more by labeling myself as softcore). And by whole life, I mean whole life, since about the age of 3-4 (I’m 24 now). I know this seems a vague relation but, I spent much of my childhood under great pressure from my parents to suppress/hide/even get rid of that part of my mind. So for almost all my childhood and teen years I lived with the fear that all of society saw me as a freak, that anyone who ever found out about it would disown me and cast me out.

Fortunately, after a disastrous first relationship that seemed to justify all my fears of my youth, I found myself in university, and the entire world seemed to open up to me. I found people who accepted and loved me… I’ll say in spite of it, or along with it, I have yet to encounter someone who’ll love me because of it. But just that was enough for me to open myself up more and feel more of who i really was around other people, although I still am leery of how to open up about it with new people (I actually didn’t get the chance to come out to my friends, i got outed to them by another bitter ex, which somehow made the fact they stuck by me and loved me all the same all the more special to me).

Now! how does this odd sob story really relate…? Well… this requires a further embarrassing confession on my part that relates to you a bit more directly… It rather comes from another part of my sexuality, I’m part of a large yet very unorganized community of people who enjoy seeing girls in kneesocks (not kneesocks in and of themselves, girls actually wearing them). Which I’m embarrassed to admit *blushes* led me to your first batches of school uniform pics on Flickr. At first I was shocked at how well you did, and I admit it brought me back. Not to ogle, but something fascinated me, and I wanted to know more about who this person was. So I found your blog, and started reading. It made me feel good to think that there are others out there, who while not like me in exact situations or tastes… have shared some of my burdens. So then I see you… braving such worries like you have had; having the courage to put pictures of yourself out there for millions to see, of your real self… suffice it to say that to me, it’s very inspiring. I wish I had more courage like that, to display to the world ‘this is me’ like you do, even if you take measures to distance yourself a bit from people you know putting two and two together.

So from one tired and humble young man… keep chasing who you really are, it’s never too late, because at whatever age you take the steps, and even if you don’t take them, you’re a far more beautiful person, inside and out, than I have ever encountered before.

Well there we are… my probably feeble attempt to further tell you that you are a true inspiration; beyond the bounds that you probably think you inspire. And while I probably made myself seem rather different or odd to people I’ve never met before (apart from those qualities, I hold a bachelors degree in history, am attending grad school this spring to obtain my masters and PhD in history to achieve my dream of being a college professor, so I’m not that out there! haha), I feel better. And in parting I’ll say this… even if you never post another pic again, please keep blogging, the rest of us like hearing from those who inspire us!

Hi Ella!
I’m Jennifer, from Spain. I’m a crossdresser for 27 years (I’m 36 now). You can find my channel on youtube, I’m Ladyblue3003. Yeah, I know, my fetishes are bizarre, nothing to do with transsexuality. Ok, 1 year ago, I saw your first video on youtube. I saw a real beautiful girl on my screen, born a girl. I’ll tell only one thing: If you feel a girl, you don’t hesitate, because never too late to make a decision. I don’t know you, and I don’t know your family, but I think you should give them a vote of confidence… Maybe, your parents at first didn’t accept you, but I think that at the end, they will surrender to the evidence that they have a beautiful daughter. You talk it over with them, they tell you what they think, they are the ones that can help you more. I don’t know as they are, but if you explain your feelings, I think that they may surprise you. Finally, I just tell you that you remain as beautiful on the outside as you are inside.

Many kisses from Spain!
Jennifer

P.S.: Sorry for my English, I have used the google translator and I don’t know if it’s well written.

I’m sorry Ella! Truly am!!! =`{“ Today, I just had the time of the world to read about your life on this website since day one your diary. And little did I know that I stumbled on an article written by you around 2007 that I know what I did/ am doing is wrong…. =`{ OMG… And no, I am not like those weird people out there! Please don’t see me like that (But, I guess when lies is written in almost all the chapters of the Odyssey, it’s hard to detect the truth of the book….) disgusting being! ='[ I really admire you ❤ I guess my compassion and love for you Ella consumed the entirety of my mind, corrupting my moment as the fake Ella. Oh, I fear myself now…. I honestly fear myself now. I did not want to harm anybody–not now, not never. I did not wanted to corrupt people's lives. I did not want to cause trouble globally. I did not wanted to de-face who you were. All I wanted to do was to have people love you more because I know you deserve much, much more love. I loved you Ella….In fact, I was too much in love with you Ella. I…..I….I….Oh it's not worth it now.

I thought I was happy to love you as my idol. Turned out to be my nemesis. I am worried to my bones now; about what you might think about me… I don't want you to feel like you were used. Living as a lie, pretending to be somebody that is not you, is not something I can handle (even though my unconsciousness did not figure that until now). Oh. I don't know what to think now…. I mean, I really LIKE you Ella. I just don't want you to feel, ummm, all distant from me (Though, I am pretty sure I know how this is going to end up. =`[ ). I just hope that once this is resolve, I can still look up to you as my idol. Please? If not, I understand…. ='{

With all due Respects to the only Ella who deserves more love from anybody else,
Not the Real Ella. (Truly, I. Am. Sorry…. =[ )

PS: I will wait for your email or message or any means of communication and we…or maybe, I…can talk me through about cancelling the myspace account… =[

PSS: I had not even One. Single. Intention to cause harm or foul play over the internet!!….I was just too much in love with you Ella, pweaase understant… ='\

PSSS: I know you'll sneer to me up to this point the fact I am such an ignorant being (your reaction when you found out a myspacer took your identity years ago) to copy another person's identity. *sigh*. I am shaking my head with grief and sadness now because I know even though I would try asking you "Is there at least one very insy tiny thing I can do to make it up for you?", I am sure you will decline. I understand….. =`{. I just hope it's still okay I can look you up in the eye and tell you I still support you…..

Hi Ella, it has been really difficult for you. But you’re so blessed to have a girlfriend who supports you in whatever you do, be it crossdressing or otherwise. I’ve come across this video titled ” Transvestite ‘wives’ ” on YouTube

My sincere prayer for you to decide at your leisure what and who you want to become. More than anything, you should know that you are a lovely person, whatever choice you make, but it should be because of what you believe about yourself. And I pray that everyone that you treasure and love dearly comes to accept every part of you for who you are. When God calls us his workmanship, the word actually means his Poem; his beautiful creation that he spoke into being. Sorry to be so preachy, but almost every photo I’ve seen of yours shows so much pain and sadness, and I’d wager it’s out of feeling unaccepted. God accepts you, and you’ll come to the place where you decide how you want to be, and I think He’ll be delighted, which ever way you choose. Please write back if you wish. I know I sound like an old mother hen or an annoying aunt, but I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you how special you actually are. God bless! ‘drea

School’s betraying me day by day cramming my face with homework, readings, and whatnot. I try not to make it a struggle but more as a complementary and as a reward after my summer break; Subliminally, still, it sounds a bit forceful. Ouch.

Speaking of forceful, may I foce myself to speak up for you. *clears throat* Happy three year anniversary with your blog, Ella!! Your words of courage, love, and strength never cease to amaze me. A talented writer. A gifted figure. You are you and nobody cannot take that away from you. Glad to see you are up and well with your day to day life and living half the fullest with Sarah.

It’s good to see you back on the web 🙂 As to your hesitancy, that’s not a problem. You’ve encountered something in Sarah that you’d never anticipated and it confused you.
Well if you want an analogy that can work, consider driving, you turned right instead of left. You don’t need to reverse to get back on the road. The destination is the same, you’ve just acquired a passenger who’s happy to travel the journey with you. 🙂 What a girl! (Yes, I DO mean both of you!)
You feel you will only be truly happy when you are who you know you were intended to be, having said that, you’ve found you’re content at the moment. There is no rush. I think the step from “Content” to “Happy” is somewhere akin to Neil Armstrong’s thinking.
What matters is you. That’s it. That’s all. Not us who read your blog, not those you work with, not your family, not Sarah. Fortunately, there is a great deal of support around you but the one ingredient that never changes is you.
Be well and be happy Ella.

hi ella
i think you are an amazing woman! and would be honered to be you friend if you would like.
i had an amazing friend and she was a transgender but she wasnt as strong as you she got in to drugs and alchol. and she eventualy moved away and tryed to start over but unfortunatly we lost contact after that. my only regret i have is i have a secret that i could not tell her and still have not been able to tell any one. i meet a really nice girl at a pub a few yrs ago and we got close and we talked about going out she gave me her number i tryed to call her but it wasnt a real number i asked around about her then i found out she was a transgender and someone who knew her told me she got scared of what i would think of her so she gave me the wrong number and stopped coming to the pub i never saw her again. which is a shame. i still dont know weather she followed through with it or gave up becouse she was scared of what others thourght of her life style choise.
i just hope you can be strong and go for your dream i wish you all the best and i hope with all my heart that you make it through all your ups and downs and get to be who you realy are! i think you are beautiful. and would love to hear from you i have bookmarked your page so i can read all you blogs. if you would like to be friends and maybe talk once in a while. you can find me on facebook. or if u can see my e-mail addy message me there. wish you all the best with all my heart. patricia XXXXxxxxx

i know what you mean about kim petras. she is so confident wit her decision i can’t help but envy her. i am 12 years old but it’s kinda too late for hormones even for me because my voice is really quite deep and i’m growing facial hair and i hate it 😦 good lucky anyway ella

I stumbled across your ‘Born A Girl’ video on youtube and was blown away by how absolutely stunning and convincing you look. I’m just your average, vanilla brand, straight and very happily married bloke, but I can’t stop myself from looking at you.
I admire your courage, and can only begin to imagine how hard it would be to gain acceptance from a conservative family.
I wish you well in whatever path you choose, and hope you don’t abandon this blog, which I’ve thoroughly enjoyed.