Red Bull Mechanic finds Missing Half-a-Second in Travel Bag

Red Bull have sighed a collective relief after half-a-second, which went missing just after pre-season testing, has been found in a mechanic’s travel bag and will be thrown into the car in time for the Chinese Grand Prix.

French mechanic Claude Neweyminion made the compelling discovery as he was packing for Shanghai, and was able to catch the elusive half-a-second before it could scuttle off. He said,

“We were wondering why we weren’t competitive, and at Albert Park Christian Horner kept saying that we were missing half-a-second somewhere around the lap. I didn’t get what he meant, normally we keep time really secure in the car, so I wasn’t convinced when he made us take a lap of the circuit and look around the gravel traps and track perimeter to try and find it. Then, yesterday, it turns up in my bag of all places.”

– Claude Neweyminion

The discovery should aid Red Bull in China, and Christian Horner has allegedly demanded a spring clean of the entire Red Bull HQ in hope of finding other fractions of time. Adrian Newey is rumoured to be designing a more efficient time container on the RB13, but this could involve filling up the Red Bull nostril with a carbon fibre man-size tissue.

Other non-news from the Paddock:

Ricciardo unlikely to race in China as hostage negotiations continue with Jedi High Council

The last picture that the kidnappers released…

Daniel Ricciardo may be unable to race in Shanghai if negotiations with the Jedi high council continue to stall. Ricciardo was abducted after evidence emerged linking Adrian Newey to the design of the Deathstar after blueprints were found in his possession. Further evidence connecting the team to the dark side emerged a decade ago, with the team running this livery in Monaco when the original “revenge of the sith” promotional material pictured the good guys, not Vader…

Toto Wolff claims that “Looowis is a big boy now.”

Toto Wolff is very impressed with how Three-time World Champion Lewis Hamilton is conducting himself this season. Toto claims that Lewis no longer needs any help getting out of his high chair, can eat his dinner with metal cutlery, and has been without his pacifier for two whole weeks.

Wolff believes that this new found maturity will help the Brit challenge for the title in 2017. The calmness of Valtteri Bottas has allegedly helped, the team aren’t even planning on packing their naughty steps in the freighters to Shanghai.

Paul the World Cup Octopus Recycled into Sushi after Failing to Predict BTCC Results

An arrogant octopod drunk on its own success was turned into sashimi after incorrectly predicting the impossible British Touring Car Championship. Paul the Octopus made his fortunes in the World Cup, predicting result after result and attaining world fame.

But that’s where Paul’s success ended. After splashing out on a multi-million pound tropical aquarium, Paul the Octopus had a string of messy public scandals, including a public breakup with a member of Little Mix and a ketamine-induced triple trip to rehab, Paul the Octopus hit rock-bottom. In a bid to rekindle his career as an eight-legged sixth sense, Paul attempted to predict the results for the opening round of the BTCC in order to pay off a heavy debt. It was always going to be impossible, and Paul was quickly diced beneath a cleaver.