The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Though related, self-acceptance is not the same as self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem refers specifically to how valuable, or worthwhile, we see ourselves, self-acceptance alludes to a far more global affirmation of self. When we're self-accepting, we're able to embrace all facets of ourselves--not just the positive, more "esteem-able" parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses, limitations, and foibles, but this awareness in no way interferes with our ability to fully accept ourselves.

I regularly tell my therapy clients that if they genuinely want to improve their self-esteem, they need to explore what parts of themselves they're not yet able to accept. For, ultimately, liking ourselves more (or getting on better terms with ourselves) has mostly to do with self-acceptance. And it's only when we stop judging ourselves that we can secure a more positive sense of who we are. Which is why I believe self-esteem rises naturally as soon as we cease being so hard on ourselves. And it's precisely because self-acceptance involves far more than self-esteem that I see it as crucial to our happiness and state of well-being.

What Determines Our Self-Acceptance (or Lack of Same) in the First Place?

In general, similar to self-esteem, as children we're able to accept ourselves only to the degree we feel accepted by our parents. Research has demonstrated that before the age of eight, we lack the ability to formulate a clear, separate sense of self--that is, other than that which has been transmitted to us by our caretakers. So if our parents were unable, or unwilling, to communicate the message that we were totally okay and acceptable--independent, that is, of our hard-to-control, sometimes errant behaviors--we were primed to view ourselves ambivalently. The positive regard we received from our parents may have depended almost totally on how we acted, and unfortunately we learned that many of our behaviors weren't acceptable to them. So, identifying ourselves with these objectionable behaviors, we inevitably came to see ourselves as in many ways inadequate.

Additionally, adverse parental evaluation can, and frequently does, go far beyond disapproving specific behaviors. For example, parents may transmit to us the overall message that we're selfish--or not attractive enough, smart enough, good or "nice" enough . . . and so on. As a result of what most mental health professionals would agree reflects a subtle form of emotional abuse, almost all of us come to regard ourselves as only conditionally acceptable. In consequence, we learn to regard many aspects of our self negatively, painfully internalizing feelings of rejection we too often experienced at the hands of overly critical parents. And this tendency toward self-criticism is at the heart of most of the problems that, as adults, we unwittingly create for ourselves.

In other words, given how the human psyche operates, it's almost impossible not to parent ourselves similarly to how we were parented originally. If our caretakers dealt with us in a hurtful manner, as adults we'll find all kinds of ways to perpetuate that unresolved pain onto ourselves. If we were frequently ignored, berated, blamed, chastised, or physically punished, we'll somehow contrive to continue this self-indignity. So when (figuratively, at least) we "beat ourselves up," we're typically just following our parents' lead. Having to depend so much on them when we were young--and thus experiencing little authority to actually question their mixed verdict on us--we felt pretty much obliged to accept their negative appraisals as valid. This is hardly to say that they constantly put us down. But, historically, it's well-known that parents are far more likely to let us know when we do something that bothers them than to acknowledge us for our more positive, pro-social behaviors.

In fully comprehending our current reservations about ourselves, we also need to add the disapproval and criticism we may have been received from siblings, other relatives, teachers--and, especially, our peers, who (struggling with their own self-doubts) could hardly resist making fun of our frailties whenever we innocently "exposed" them. At any rate, it's safe to assume that almost all of us enter adulthood afflicted with a certain negative bias. We share a common tendency to blame ourselves, or to see ourselves as in some way defective. It's as though we all, to whatever degree, suffer from the same chronic "virus" of self-doubt.

Accepting ourselves unconditionally (despite our deficiencies) would have been almost automatic had our parents conveyed a predominantly positive message about us--and, additionally, we grew up in a generally supportive environment. But if that really wasn't the case, we need on our own to learn how to "certify" ourselves, to validate our essential ok-ness. And I'm hardly suggesting that independently confirming ourselves has anything to do with becoming complacent--only that we get over our habit of constantly judging ourselves. If deep within us we're ever to experience, as our normal state of being, personal fulfillment and peace of mind, we must first rise to the challenge of complete, unqualified self-acceptance.

As Robert Holden puts it in his book Happiness Now! "Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you'll allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy. In other words, you enjoy as much happiness as you believe you're worthy of [emphasis added]."

Perhaps more than anything else, cultivating self-acceptance requires that we develop more self-compassion. Only when we can better understand and pardon ourselves for things that earlier we assumed must be all our fault can we secure the relationship to self that till now has eluded us.

To adopt a more loving stance toward ourselves--the key prerequisite for self-acceptance--we must come to realize that till now we've pretty much felt obliged to demonstrate our worth to others, just as initially we concluded that we had to submit to the judgmental authority of our caretakers. Our approval-seeking behaviors since then (misguided or not) have simply reflected the legacy of our parents' conditional love.

Undertaking such a heartfelt exploration of what I'd call our well-nigh "universal plight" almost inevitably generates increased self-compassion. And it's through this compassion that we can learn to like ourselves more, and to view ourselves as deserving of love and respect by very "virtue" of our willingness to confront (and struggle against) what previously we've found so difficult to accept about ourselves.

In a sense, we all bear "conditional-love scars" from the past. We're all among the ranks of the "walking wounded." And this recognition of our common humanity can help inspire in us not only feelings of habitually-withheld kindness and goodwill toward ourselves but toward others as well.

To become more self-accepting, we must start by telling ourselves (repeatedly and-- hopefully--with ever-increasing conviction) that given all of our negatively biased self-referencing beliefs, we've done the best we possibly could. In this light, we need to re-examine residual feelings of guilt, as well as our many self-criticisms and put-downs. We must ask ourselves specifically what it is we don't accept about ourselves and, as agents of our own healing, bring compassion and understanding to each aspect of self-rejection or -denial. By doing so, we can begin to dissolve exaggerated feelings of guilt and shame based on standards that simply didn't mirror what could realistically be expected of us at the time.

The famous French expression, "Tout comprendre, c'est tout excuser" (literally, "to understand all is to pardon all") is a dictum that we ought to apply at least as much to ourselves as to others. For the more we can grasp just why in the past we were compelled to act in a particular way, the more likely we'll be able both to excuse ourselves for this behavior and avoid repeating it in the future.

Becoming more self-accepting necessitates that we begin to appreciate that, ultimately, we're not really to blame for anything--whether it's our looks, intelligence, or any of our more questionable behaviors. Our actions have all been compelled by some combination of background and biology. Going forward, we certainly can--and in most cases, should--take responsibility for ways we've hurt or mistreated others. But if we're to productively work on becoming more self-accepting, we must do so with compassion and forgiveness in our hearts. We need to realize that, given our internal programming up to that point, we could hardly have behaved differently.

To take ourselves off the hook and gradually evolve to a state of unconditional self-acceptance, it's crucial that we adopt an attitude of "self-pardon" for our transgressions (whether actual or perceived). In the end, we may even come to realize that there's nothing to forgive. For regardless of what we may have concluded earlier, we were, in a sense, always innocent--doing the best we could, given (1) what was innate (or hard-wired) in us, (2) how compelling our needs (and feelings) were at the time, and (3) what, back then, we believed about ourselves.

That which, finally, determines most problematic behavior is linked to common psychological defenses. And it almost borders on the cruel for us to blame ourselves--or hold ourselves in contempt--for acting in ways that at the time we thought we had to in order to protect ourselves from anxiety, shame, or emotional distress generally.

Embracing Our Shadow Self

As a kind of P.S. to the above, self-acceptance also involves our willingness to recognize and make peace with parts of the self that till now may have been denied, shunned, or repudiated. I'm referring here to our illicit or anti-social impulses--our shadow self, which may have spooked or sabotaged us in the past. Still, it represents an essential part of our nature and must be functionally integrated if we are to become whole. As long as we refuse to accept--or in some way accommodate--split-off segments of self, full and unconditional self-acceptance will remain forever out of reach.

When we're able to sympathetically understand the origin of these darker, recessive fragments in us, any self-evaluation rooted in them begins to feel not only uncharitable but unjust as well. The fact is that virtually everybody harbors forbidden (and quite possibly, outrageous) impulses and fantasies--whether they entail brutally injuring someone we find obnoxious, exercising unbridled power over others, or (indeed!) running naked in the streets. And when we're able to recognize this, we're also well on the way to accepting ourselves without conditions. Appreciating that, however bizarre or egregious, most of our "evil imaginings," are probably little more than fantasized compensations for indignities, hurts, or deprivations we experienced in the past, we can now reconceive our "aberrations" as, well, rather normal.

Further, even as we come to accept our shadow side we can still maintain voluntary control over how these parts of us are expressed--that is, in ways that can ensure safety both to ourselves and others. For as long as we've been able to re-connect to our deepest, truest self, we'll be coming from a place of love and caring. As such, it really isn't in us to do anything that would violate our natural tendencies toward compassion and identification with all humanity. Owning and integrating our various facets is a transcendent experience. And when we--or really, our egos--no longer feel separate from others, any sinister motive to do them harm literally disappears.

Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Improvement

It should be apparent at this point that self-acceptance has nothing to do with self-improvement as such. For it really isn't about "fixing" anything in ourselves.With self-acceptance we're just--non-judgmentally--affirming who we are, with whatever strengths--and weaknesses--we possess in the moment.

The problem with any focus on self-improvement is that such an orientation inevitably makes self-acceptance conditional. After all, we can't ever feel totally secure or good enough so long as our self-regard depends on constantly bettering ourselves. Self-acceptance is here-and-now oriented--not future oriented, as in: "I'll be okay when . . ." or "As soon as I accomplish . . . I'll be okay." Self-acceptance is about already being okay, with no qualifications--period. It's not that we ignore or deny our faults or frailties, just that we view them as irrelevant to our basic acceptability.

Finally, it's we--and we alone--that set the standards for our self-acceptance. And once we decide to stop grading ourselves, or "keeping score with" ourselves, we can adopt an attitude of non-evaluative forgiveness. In fact, once we refrain from our lifelong habit of assessing, and reassessing, ourselves--striving rather to compassionately understand our past behaviors--we'll find that there's really nothing to forgive (remember, "Tout comprendre. . ." ). Certainly, we can vow to do better in the future, but we can nonetheless accept ourselves precisely as we are today, regardless of our shortcomings.

And here I can't emphasize enough that it's possible to accept and love ourselves and still be committed to a lifetime of personal growth. Accepting ourselves as we are today doesn't mean we'll be without the motivation to make changes or improvements that will make us more effective, or that will enrich our (and likely others') lives. It's simply that this self-acceptance is in no way tied to such alterations. We don't have to actually do anything to secure our self-acceptance: we have only to change the way we look at ourselves. So changing our behaviors becomes solely a matter of personal preference--not a prerequisite for greater self-regard.

It's really about coming from a radically different place. If self-acceptance is to be "earned," a result of working hard on ourselves, then it's conditional--always at risk. The ongoing "job" of accepting ourselves can never be completed. Even scoring an A+ in whatever endeavor we're using to rate ourselves can offer us only temporary respite from our strivings. For the message we're giving ourselves is that we're only as worthwhile as our latest achievement. We can never finally "arrive" at a position of self-acceptance because we've inadvertently defined our quest for such acceptance as everlasting.

In holding ourselves to such perfectionistic standards, however, we may inadvertently be validating how our own conditionally-loving parents dealt with us. But we're certainly not validating ourselves--or treating ourselves with the kindness and consideration our parents failed adequately to provide for us.

To conclude, only when we're able to give ourselves unqualified approval--by developing greater self-compassion and focusing much more on our positives than negatives--can we at last forgive ourselves for our faults, as well as relinquish our need for others' approval. No doubt we've made mistakes. But then, so has everybody else. And in any case our identity is hardly equal to our mistakes (for such a linkage would represent a bad case of "mistaken identity"!)

Finally, there's no reason we can't decide right now to transform our fundamental sense of who we are. And we may need to remind ourselves that our various weaknesses are part of what makes us human. If all our faults and failings were suddenly to disappear, my pet theory is that we'd instantly turn into white light and disappear from the face of this planet. So in the pursuit of unconditional self-acceptance, we might even want to take a certain pride in our imperfections. After all, were we beyond criticism in the first place, we'd never have the opportunity to rise to this uniquely human challenge.

Note:If you found this piece useful and believe others might as well, please consider sending them the link. Additionally, if you'd like to explore other self-help articles I've written for Psychology Today, please click here.

It first must be said that the article is long, wordy and somewhat repetitive. However, beyond that, it is a masterpiece. The knowledge being imparted here is worth a lifetime of inner struggle and development. Thank you for writing it.

Indeed this was very wordy, but it was a great piece. Self-acceptance doesn't get the same press as self-esteem. Both still deal with expressions of traits, evaluations of behaviors, thoughts and performance. I think if one goes even deeper, to becoming aware of & self-discovering one's own true spiritual nature, the core of any being, true and healthy self-love becomes a natural part of life.

Self-esteem essentially deals with feelings or evaluations in terms of one's abilities, performance and appearance. And as is known, people's behaviors & thoughts tend to maintain a certain level of self-esteem. So much so, most behavior is often directed at maintaining this level.

But this is very much an externally dependent process, that can take a life of its own. If for instance, you evaluate getting the highest grade in a particular class as raising your self-esteem, your value or worth,.. and others support this behavior (i.e. your parents reward you), then before you know it, the need to be the 'best' becomes ingrained.

Not only do we learn to base our self-esteem on external expressions, like having the highest grade in class, these evaluations are always relative. You need to have people that are lower than you to feel good. In addition to this, you might run a fast 400m, but fast compared to what & whom?

To sum it up: Self-esteem is finding reasons to feel good about one self based on evaluations of tangible, subjective views of external reality. "I feel good because I got an A."

Self-acceptance often becomes a sort of an ambiguous activity as well. Again it's often in response to external reality, or a material expression. Take for instance the 'dark side' of one's personality. When people come to accept an aspect to them that they deem as negative or dark, like being bitchy at times, it does feel better, but...

a lot of people attempt halfhearted self-acceptance. It goes a bit like this, "I feel good about myself DESPITE having this negative trait."

keyword being despite. Deceptively, this self-acceptance is still dealing with externalities or subjective evaluations of outward expressions.

If you go deeper, and go past subjective evaluations based on standards and beliefs and performance rooted in external experience,

you get to real self-love, which is stepping toward spiritual maturity. It's awakening yourself with the knowing that your self worth, your value and your power were always there. You can't have worth, value or power.

You are it.

That is a practice that doesn't relate to external observations, like how well one does in a test or how poor we do at mathematics. It goes beyond both self-esteem and self-acceptance.

Feeling good about yourself shouldn't be a struggle.

Too many people struggle with self-acceptance. How many times do you here about 'it took me x years to come to terms with this aspect of my life/myself'. That to me, is a clear indicator that one hasn't truly connected with the self-love of a spiritual kind. Rather one has struggled with self-esteem and self-acceptance. And that is like sweating it out in a hamster wheel. Madness defined.

What I read was insightfull, yet there was a connecting theme of "blame" as the beginning thread of our lack of self-acceptance and as a consequence also our self-esteem. Yet you say that "[with] self-acceptance we're simply affirming--non-judgmentally--that we are who we are..." What about if the consequence of or nature is exactly that unaccepting self? Ridiculous I know, who would ever want to be in that perpetual self defeating state? But the arguement is that as a matter of nature, how much really comes from blame? and how much of a role our naural proclivities play in this state of acceptaance?

but how can someone accept himself if dislikes something about himself? for example if someone hates that fact that he is over weight, fixing his self doing or doing anything else in the word won't convince him to believe that he is attractive . i believe self acceptance is good word but its highly inapplicable if the external factors weren't dealt with

If you're a fat man you should ACCEPT that this is who you are and that there's nothing inherently wrong with it. you're not going to die tomorrow, you're not going to starve, no lions or tigers coming to eat you - nothing bad is going to happen. Take as far a step back out of your life and look at yourself and accept what has happened and there have been reasons for everything happening. Laugh at yourself, observe yourself and amuse yourself at the things you do, the ways you react.

The two - self acceptance and self improvement - are closely tied but self acceptance is far more important. Also - you mention attractiveness - you will gain attractiveness when you accept yourself and become relaxed and dominant in your own skin. Are you saying fat people can't be attractive? Look at which fat people ARE attractive and you'll find the SAME THING in all of them - self acceptance and a resultant dominance which arises from relaxing in your own body and space.

Self acceptance isn't about trying to convince yourself whether or not you are attractive. It's about accepting yourself whatever you level of attractiveness, whether you are a supermodel or hideously ugly and saying, "this is what is, I'm not to blame because I understand myself"

It doesn't mean the person can't change. It's about accepting the way things are at the moment to alleviate irrational/harmful beliefs and emotions which are obstructive to change, and help perpetuate self defeating behavior.

It's not at all inapplicable, that makes no sense. Constantly rating yourself as ugly or unattractive is not going to help you in any way. This is really basic stuff, read Albert Ellis's work on it.

"My question to the guy that is overweight is, 'is this really who you are?'. The weight on your body does not define who you truly are. the weight on your body could be an indicator that you are not being true to who you are, this is if you are truly unhappy about how you look.

Certain things that happen in our lives and how we treat our body is sometimes a sign that we are moving away from our true self. The weight might be that indicator that something is not quite right and that the man in question would need to look within himself to find out what is real problem here and how do we fix it. This is only for some who truly feels that they are not meant to be over weight. As there are people who are over weight and like being that way.

I feel that accepting something about yourself is about accepting who you truly are and those are the things that can not be changed. if you are overweight and do not want to accept that this is you, then that is ok. That right there is mostly the truth. It's not really you and that is the reason why you are not accepting it.

Now that you know this, you also know you need to get back to being the real you and work towards a weight that reflects the true you, something you could be happy with.

@Anonymous (RE last comment): Even if the said person loses all this weigth, there will always be an external factor one can use to feel inadequate... trust me.

Because the feeling of inadequacy doesn't come from the outside, it comes from the inside. Because I have seen a million examples of people who have it all and still feel inadequate. And I have seen people who have nothing and yet they find their own way to be valuable to the world. Not by "fixing" themselves, but by leaning into their talents and gifts.

So I think the point of the essay is that even if you are overweight and not attractive, that doesn't mean that you are not a worthy, valuable and lovable person.

Accepting yourself is not about trying to convince yourself that you're perfect. It's about telling yourself, well yes I am not so great looking, my IQ is average, and I have no artistic talent, but I have a good heart, and I am a great listener, and I am a fantastic cook... and I'm absolutely lovable... and so I choose to be a friend to myself and love myself and give the best of what I have to the world, instead of sitting and worrying about the things I won't get because of some perceived shortcoming.

Because those things you won't get are probably not what would make you happy anyway.

BTW my mom is over 50 and very overweight, yet she married an attractive, adoring husband and, well, apparently has a very healthy sex life :-)

I disagree with you, there are no buts in self acceptance. It's not about saying I'm bad at this but that's ok because I'm good at this. It's saying I am acceptable as I am, no matter what my qualities, even if I were good at nothing whatsoever, I would still be acceptable.

Ugh. So Hitler just couldn't help doing all that stuff he did, he was a product of his environment and his genes, and in no way should he be blamed for anything. There is no free will and no responsibility!

I think there is a lot of wisdom to this article. In the abstract, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and non-judgement are therapeutic and wholesome. HOWEVER, the problem with articles like this at least for me, is that they are murky at best when it comes to the "how". How does one build these skills? Without specific behaviors and a game plan to follow, articles like this ironically feed into the cycle of frustration, self doubt, and even "improvement seeking".

I can picture someone reading this, feeling better about things afterwards as if they are now armed for battle, and then once they encounter a few obstacles they begin to beat themselves up even more. "Why can't I accept myself still?? I read that article and everything!"

What is needed is a methodology to practice. I understand that self-acceptance isn't about "doing" anything. It isn't something you need to earn or that you must acquire. But the very act of self acceptance is a BEHAVIOR. It is a new way of looking at arising thoughts and feelings that practically requires its own lexicon. The concepts identified in the article are important and valuable, but without techniques to implement them into your life, they will never help anyone.

The article made a FEW specific suggestions:
- tell yourself that you've done the best you could given the circumstances
- be self-pardoning

But I hate "tips" like, "Stop grading yourself" and "see yourself as good enough now". They might be well intentioned but are horribly insufficient. How do you stop grading yourself? Do you notice when you are doing it and then refocus your attention elsewhere? Do you notice you are doing it and then question the validity of the "grade"? Do you question the NEED to grade and find ways to undermine those needs? Do you adjust the language you use to talk to yourself?

My point is not to bash this article, there's a lot of good stuff in here. However, it would be great if future articles delved more into the "how".

1. Relax, breathe - you're not about to die - whatever stresses you are currently encountering are almost certainly not life threatening
2. Look around you - REALLY look. Spend at least a month looking EVERYONE YOU SPEAK TO directly in the eye - that means that if you say hello to someone you stop and look them in the eye (pref with a smile!) and say hello. Everyone. For a month - try it. It'll help you really see people around you and how much they are all busy also looking at themselves rather than you which will hopefully help you relax and gain a bit more self acceptance.
3. Recognise every single time that you respond in a defensive way to something someone else says. This is a sign of non-self acceptance so you want to root it out - isolate times when you feel defensive/respond defensively and simply try and respond to the positive or neutral part of whatever the person said. i.e. there are at least 2 ways you can respond to a perceived insult - the humourous and/or self deprecating way is ALWAYS better than taking things others have said to heart and responding negatively and defensively - try it out - watch how the entire mood in the room can be controlled based on how you respond differently in these kind of situations. It will lead you to self acceptance.

I think meditation is definitely one method, works for me anyway.
I guess there are many ways/ methods though? .....once you've realised, become aware of and 'accepted' that lack of self acceptance may be a problem for you.....

I used to be a complete idiot. I was always in conflict, losing jobs and rubbing people up the wrong way. In the end I decided I was not going to accept that any more- the negative elements were not acceptable and did not counterbalance the good I achieved. After all I had good friends and was a caring, helpful, interesting guy. My girlfriends were always happy but this was all about me. Damn others. So what was the game plan. CBT gave me a clue.

The catalyst was a Boderline relationship which demonstrated how much damage a person can do. My therapist used CBT a little. In the last three years I focussed on others and to be a caring, helpful, interested, supportive person. My conduct was excellent- buttons were still pushed- I did not respond. The core part of myself was accepted, the negative aspects "behavioured out" and diminished. My success at work, level of respect and influence were remarkable. I changed jobs and had even more success, becoming respected and popular despite not seeking this.

Ooorwilly adds some good advice above. Getting the social space postitive is important as there is less noise to distract one. Working inside is harder. My attitude was learnt from poor parenting and I have little to thank my parents for. There are a few bits left to clear up. I can be an enabler and get trodden on- only in relationships, not at work or in friendships. This last part, however, only appears with poor partners, not good ones. Picking them is another weakness I will not accept.

I think you should learn to accept yourself together with the need to improve the less satisfying aspects. This is a moral quest as it impacts others and one should not personally accept one's glib excuses for poor behaviour. Other people often will give good advice and help. A game plan may involve tactfully using others opinions to build and external picture of where one is at and where one should focus. Physical features are obvious and I think you can control many of them or improve them. The self-acceptance element is more tricky. You can certainly see it. I have had it but not always.

As for Curious above, the plight of young people is excessive grading. It is a plague on TV. As an adult I realise it is rather pointless as you cannot read into others minds. I do agree that self-acceptance becomes easier if others drop out of the picture and you focus on the what does rather than the what mights. Everything changes anyway and there is no absolute judgment. There are some very attractive "fat" people out there and some very unattracive "model" types.

I saw this post and wanted to say thank you. I have just recently gone through a short period of 'stinking thinking' and depression because of my thinking.
I went through the 'What if's' and 'how come I'm not here in life?' thing. After reading your post, I had a new insight to it all. The importance of understanding we are exactly where we need to be in this moment. If not, we would be elsewhere.

this is really really helpful for me.i have anxiety,panic and perfectionism problems.i cant sing in front of other people like i used to before my mom and i became really close then she started to come with me to my auditions..my mom is very loving,her not so nice side is her love for criticism.she would always tell me after singing how bad i sang,why i sang that way..she even told me the loo on the faces of the people watching me sing(how disappointed they are)...she would always criticize me for the way i sit,walk,stand,talk,just about everything.and that made my mind think that i am not an acceptable person just as i am.i even had agoraphobia,now its gone but im still struggling with my other problems.
this is really helpful.i just have to accept myself for just who i am and what i can only be.ive been trying to put into peoples mind that i am a great singer,actually i dont think i am,and thats just the way it is.no more pleasing,just accepting.

Brilliant article. You have to be in the right place to receive its message. You have to be right on the edge of taking the plunge into self acceptance, and then let the message gently nudge you over that edge.

What a fantastic post. There are so many guides on how to love ones self online, and they all start with 'make a list of your achievements' in order to feel better, utterly ignoring the difference between self acceptance and self esteem, two vastly different concepts. I am so glad to have found this after a lot of searching. I knew it to be true, but I was worried that I was wrong or I was the only one thinking it and that it was impossible to release yourself from your own judgement. But clearly it is! Thank you again.

I've had some problems with depression in the past and I needed to seek for some help in order to get back on track. Pretty soon I realized that the cause of all my problems lies within myself and since then I've been I've been trying to get to know my mind better and identify and root out whats stopping me from feeling good. I got out of the depression phase a few years ago and feel kinda "normal" now, but still empty and not satisfied, a bit clueless about myself and my life. I've been trying to understand myself and my mind better ever since and feel that I'm slowly evolving to some direction. But this post really hit the spot. The problem descibed here is what I've been sensing about myself for a while now, but until this never really managed to pinpoint and define.

I find this to be very inspiring and well writen piece and I would like to pursue this approach. I found some other articles on the same subject but I have to agree with Curious - there's a need for a more practical approach as well.

After reading this I'm constantly noticing lot of different thoughts circling in my mind that are not those of a self-accepting person. The problem seems to be quite widespread, it's the way how I regret things I've done or left undone in the past, it's how I tend to got upset about my mistakes and doubt in my actions, it's how I try to impress people and how I'm afraid to show them some aspects of myself, it's how I can't feel self-confident in many situations and how I find it difficult to relax and enjoy myself - it's lurking almost everywhere.

I'm motivated to try and deal with all this because I feel it's the only way to go, but there are lot of different things here and can't possibly try to threat them all at once, or at least that's how it appears to me at the moment.

I still have more questions than answers. Where is the best place to start? I should probably try to identify and address these anti-selfacceptant thought patterns, but how? Can I categorize these thoughts somehow, try to find some common causes for them? What are the best techniques, tricks and exercises to be used?

I would really need some practical advice, techniques to practice and guidelines to follow so I could try to set myself on the right tracks for my ride into this process. Can you suggest any solid Internet resources or literature for this kind of advice?

I can't really address all your questions here, but let me make a few suggestions anyway.

As regards reading self-help literature, two books by David Burns might be of great practical use to you: FEELING GOOD and FEELING GOOD HANDBOOK (which, I believe, is full of practical exercises. Also, Jeffrey Young's REINVENTING YOUR LIFE is excellent.

Inasmuch as you were probably psychologically wounded in the context of relationships (most likely going back to your family of origin?), what may be crucial is that you get yourself into a therapeutic relationship with a qualified professional. If you don't have the financial resources to do this, you might check out what outpatient mental health resources your community offers, where a sliding payment scale exists.

Thank you for the post and getting the topic in motion. The comments and responses have deepened and intensified the subject and really brought a few things to light for me. Please every one, keep adding. I need the help!

I live in a bubble. I fill my life with self nourishment and positive direction. I have a lovely life, it's nothing most would accept or like, but I'm quite enjoying the ride.
When I leave my bubble life and while on the outside, in the world. I curiously find two reactions to my forward bubbly self. Either people are right in there with me, having a great time. Or they completely shun me. I used to take the 'shun' as a negative critical error with my conduct. But, nah, no longer. I just walk away feeling, well, not much anymore.
There was a time when life was not like this, it was not a bubble life it was a closed life, and the difference was my reactions to other peoples praise or non-praise. Oh, how that has left me.
I don't look for my worth in others, I don't seek validation in others.
To get to this point, I didn't have to find inner anything, I just had to ACT HAPPY. That's all, human behavior is a physical thing and eventually it hits the mind and soul. Eventually, so self love was more of a game of patience then anything.
There is no time for a bad thought. If you think about all the time wasted on negative thinking it will eat you up from the inside out. It doesn't mean there will be bad times, sorrowful moments.
It just means they will not dictate who you are or how you are. They will not become habit. Which is where we all mistakenly come from. To dump the pity traps in life there is only one answer.
When you act happy, life gets so easy things happen as if by magic.
Life becomes like a bowl of cherries. It does not weaken you, it strengthens you. So "be happy", "put on a happy face". It's the answer and a sweet simple answer. It also brings joyful clarity.
And joyful clarity gets HUGE accomplishment in all areas.
SO FIRST BE HAPPY.. all else will just HAPPEN.
And when you feel the necessity of delirious sorrow and self recrimination, don't think it as uncomfortable, but calmly use it to your advantage as a personal inventory of sorts. Then don't do anything about it, just be happy again.
Bring in the self love, suck it up and then it will project outwards. It's not about "being" good, doing the "right" thing, self sacrificing yourself to others. That will not happen.
It's about living and teaching and giving when you can give your all and be happy about it. Many gifts follow happiness.
Self acceptance is one, honour and integrity are another and accepting others choices is also there on the list of benefits.
No ill feelings, "it is what is is not" meaning whatever anyone said or did usually is not who or what they are. Knowing that you can let things go with compassion. Get a good feeling, have a good life.

Sr. Seltzer, I intend to link your very useful and well-presented article to one on which I am presently working. In addition, with your permission, I would like to quote your description of self-acceptance: "Self-acceptance is unconditional, free of any qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses, limitations, and foibles, but this awareness in no way interferes with our ability to fully accept ourselves." I will also credit you. Thank you very much.

Your article has given me the courage to begin radically accepting myself. For anyone who has made an extremely embarrassing mistake based on poor judgment, the aftermath is a prickly and harrowing experience. I caused a serious mistake from which I am suffering the consequences.

Interestingly, post mistake, I have become so very grateful for my life. I never realized how lucky I am. The external, perfectionist "crap" that I would find fault in towards others and myself, has dissolved. I have the most amazing support system who are forgiving enough of themselves to still believe in me (even though my mistake is not resolved).

In the thick of my dilemma, I cannot afford NOT to completely accept myself. By beginning to accept myself, despite the doubt in my abilities expressed by others, I stop beating myself up. I stop the shameful, guilty, "less than" attitude.

Don't get me wrong, believing in one's self, when many have written you off, is scary. But, I don't think I would have understood the depths of this article's message had I not been where I am, right now. From my own experience, acceptance is the life-jacket in surviving a difficult situation.

I hope you write another article on radical acceptance as a tool to living honest and true to one's self. Thank you!