After a tumultuous first two seasons in the league that has seen him sued for non-payment of debts, banned from local shopping malls, and most recently, arrested for domestic assault, Dallas WR Dez Bryant Monday signed a contract with the team in which he formally agreed to lead his life by a strict set of rules that most human beings consider to be just basic common sense.

“Also, no more sneaking out to strip clubs during halftime.”

“No hitting your mother in the face, then yanking her hair, for example” reads one such clause the Cowboys apparently found necessary to insert into the agreement that Bryant, a fully grown man who makes several million dollars in salary and endorsements annually, will now be expected to adhere to. “Also, if you go to a jewelry store, and they give you lots and lots of rings and necklaces and stuff, you then have to actually pay them for those things,” reads another. ”You can’t just take them home for free.”

After a scandal filled college career at Oklahoma state, the talented but trouble-prone Bryant fell to pick #24 of the 2010 NFL Draft, where the Cowboys selected him to become their team’s primary wideout. But his penchant for breaking rules and challenging authority have forced the Cowboys to insist that Bryant agree to the formal rules of conduct, which most people would instinctively consider to be simple facts of life.

“If you happen to be in a mall, and a security guard tells you that you can’t allow your pants to hang down below your buttocks, you then have to pull those pants up,” reads clause 15 of Bryant’s agreement. “Additionally, you have to keep them pulled up every time you return to that mall. Or else they might not let you in. This is pretty basic stuff, here.”

Addressing criticism that the team is coddling its star player, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones defended the move, stating, “This contract is something we’re doing for Dez’s own well-being. My only regret is that I didn’t think to have all my players sign a ‘No doing cocaine with prostitutes in a cheap motel room’ agreement back in the mid 90′s.”