Language news you won't find anywhere else (for good reason!)

December 29, 2009

SAULT STE. MARIE, MICHIGAN—With only a few hundred unbanished words left in the
language, the rest of the English-speaking world has voted to banish Lake Superior State University from the face of
the earth.

"Lake Superior State has become a bit too, well, superior," said
adjective historian Red Black.

The list, really just a silly publicity stunt, has proved to be irresistible
to an unthinking media who dutifully report the latest banned words each January
1st. The college bought into the hype and began banning words in earnest about
10 years ago. About 98 per cent of all words are currently banned.

Professional note-taker Han DiCreppit was ecstatic about the result. "Perhaps
now, with that annoying college out of our lives forever, we can rebuild the
English language to its former glory. I, for one, can't wait to incorporate
words such as 'but' and 'kumquat' back into my work."

March 23, 2008

AIEA, Hawaii—Former United Nations Secretary General Boutros-Boutros Ghali and current United Nations Undersecretary for Alphabet Mobilization Yada-Yada Yada announced today the formation of the United Nations International Vowel Assistance Committee. UNIVAC's mandate is "to help the vowel-deprived wherever they may live and to fund vowel relief efforts in the hardest hit areas."

"We have a good stockpile of a's, e's, and o's," said Ng Ng, UNIVAC's Letter Distribution Officer. "We hope to have an adequate supply of i's and u's over the next six months. In the meantime, we can use our extra y's in a pinch."

"Vowels of every description are badly needed," said Cwm Pffft, an activist with the group Consonant Watch. "The people in places such as Srpska Crnja and Hwlffordd are suffering horribly."

June 17, 2006

KALAMAZOO, Michigan—A group of disgruntled grammarians calling themselves "Mad, We Are, As Hell" has filed a number of civil lawsuits over the past few weeks. The targets of these suits are writers, raconteurs, and professional man-in-the-street interviewees who, they claim, are inveterate violaters of the rules of grammar.

The group's spokesperson, Millicent Peevish, Head Shusher at the Kalamazoo District Library, said the grammarians could no longer sit back and allow "the splitting of blameless infinitives and the ending of sentences with evil, evil prepositions." A previous campaign — called Shock and Appalled — that focused on writing testy letters to the editors of various local publications, had no discernible effect.

One defendant is the essayist and dry cleaning critic Boris Langenshortevitch, whom the grammarians describe as a "monster" who "brazenly and redundantly uses 'the hoi polloi', when any fool with half a brain knows that 'hoi' is the old Greek word for 'the.' Duh!" Edna Doright, Chief Comma Officer at Scribner's, defended the suit. "Without an appreciation for ancient Greek, we as a society are lost," she said. For his part, Mr. Langenshortevitch is unrepentant. "I won't change the way I write but, to be quite honest, these grammar fundamentalists scare the crap out of me," he said.

When asked if litigation was the appropriate response to these alleged grammar violations, Harvey Earnest, president of the Center for Subject-Verb Agreement, was adamant. "My God," he said, "there are people out there wantonly dangling participles and starting sentences with conjunctions. Where will all this madness lead us if we do not do something to stop it?"

June 14, 2006

Area teen Dylan Geronimo now communicates with his parents and teachers using just the word "whatever." With subtle voice inflections, Mr. Geronimo can convey the full range of his emotions: sullenness, disgust, exasperation, and a seething, nameless rage.

"It was frustrating, at first," said Betty Geronimo, Dylan's mother. "It seemed like he was giving us the same answer to every question. Then we learned the difference between 'whatever' and 'what-EVER'."

The phenomenon is called Adolescent Vocabulary Attrition Syndrome, according to Hans Longwinded, a language chiropractor. "Speaking is quite painful for most male teenagers, so they ease the pain by shedding words."

June 08, 2006

In a scathing report released today, communications experts have declared that the instant messages teenagers exchange with each other are in reality nothing but gibberish. U.S. Chatmaster General Todd Dood, with technical help from the National Security Agency, examined thousands of instant messages

"None of it made a lick of sense" he said.

It has long been thought that teen instant messages contained abbreviations (such as LOL for "laughing out loud" and MAIBARP for "my acne is becoming a real problem"), short forms (such as L8R for "later" and R2D2 for "R2D2"), and slang (such as whassup for "what's up" and yo for "Hello, I am pleased to meet your acquaintance. Do you wish to have a conversation?"). However, the report reveals that this so-called "teenspeak" began to change so fast that kids simply could not keep up. Each teen developed his or her own lingo, and the instant messaging system devolved into anarchy.

"The crazy thing is that teen instant messaging is more popular than ever," said Dood. "They seem not to have noticed that they can't understand a word anyone is texting to them." There seems to be a prestige factor at work here. As one teen quoted in the study said, "If you say you don't understand, then you're just like so gay."

June 02, 2006

The celebrated fish filleter and gourmand Hudson Rattletrap has died. He choked to death last night while trying to pronounce the word "blancmange." Police are urging citizens to approach this word with caution.

May 26, 2006

NEW YORK—A city judge has called upon police and linguistic authorities to bring the letter combination OUGH into custody. In a sharply worded statement, Judge Abner Hough called the four-letter syllable a "menace to society" and asked officials to act quickly in the interest of public safety.

"In my 32 years on the bench, I have seen people struggle mightily with the pronunciation of my last name," Hough said. "They say 'huff' or 'hoff' or 'how' or 'ho.' Nobody knows what's right and they suffer terribly for it. It's high time this suffering was stopped and justice was done."

Police have no leads on the current whereabouts of OUGH, but say they have questioned OUCH and OUTH.

"OUGH is tricky because it has so many disguises and pronunciations," said Chief Barnaby Dunkmeister, who heads the investigation. "Our main advantage is that OUGH can't stand by itself. To make a word it needs to partner up without another letter or two, and that's when we'll make our move."

It's not clear how the language will change if and when OUGH is apprehended.

"What would likely happen is that the spelling of words that include OUGH would change to conform with their accepted pronunciation," said lexico-lawyer Hamish Morpheme. "Cough would become 'coff,' tough would become 'tuff,' and so on."

When asked what he would do with his own name after OUGH is incarcerated, Judge Hough said "I've always wanted something easy to pronounce. Right now, I'm leaning toward 'Krzyzewski'."

May 22, 2006

In a move hailed as "awesome" by teen girls, new mayor Mike "The Hammer" McClusky has ordered that all citizens must now dot the letter "i" with a smiley face symbol. A mayoral spokesperson would not comment on the future of the letter "j." Local curmudgeons turned out in full force last night to protest the decision.

May 17, 2006

SCHECHENECTADY, NY—After a long and tempestuous marriage, the two senses of the word "oversight" have petitioned for a divorce. Citing irreconcilable differences, the "responsible" sense of the word ("Watchful care or management") and the "irresponsible" sense ("An omission or error") have separated.

"It just got to be too much after a while," said responsible oversight. "The other oversight can't be trusted with even the smallest task. It's 'Oops!' this and 'Sorry!' that. I believe in being careful and in making sure that things get done right, so I just can't stand to live with such neglect."

"Yeah, you're careful, all right," countered irresponsible oversight at a tense press conference. "You're constantly watching over my shoulder and then jumping down my throat when I make the least little mistake. You need to lighten up!"

Linguist Dieter Sprachgefühl said this is the first time that two senses of a word have filed for divorce. "They say that opposites attract, and for a while these two senses got along quite well," he said. "But when you have two diametrically opposed meanings within the same word, well, really, what kind of future could they have had together?"

Some lexicographers are concerned about the impact the pending divorce will have on the language.

"Oversight isn't the only word having marital difficulties," said Loretta Letter, Chief Speller at Random House. "I've heard that the two opposite senses of 'screen' (to view; to hide from view) and 'cleave' (to separate; to adhere firmly) have been fighting like cats and dogs. It may be just a matter of time."

May 11, 2006

SAULT STE. MARIE, MICHIGAN—With only a few hundred unbanished words left in the language, the rest of the English-speaking world has voted to banish Lake Superior State University from the face of the earth.

"Lake Superior State has become a bit too, well, superior," said adjective historian Red Black.

The list, really just a silly publicity stunt, has proved to be irresistible to an unthinking media who dutifully report the latest banned words each January 1st. The college bought into the hype and began banning words in earnest about 10 years ago. About 98 per cent of all words are currently banned.

Professional note-taker Han DiCreppit was ecstatic about the result. "Perhaps now, with that annoying college out of our lives forever, we can rebuild the English language to its former glory. I, for one, can't wait to incorporate words such as 'but' and 'kumquat' back into my work."