Is it my fault my girlfriend is always angry?

Is it my fault my girlfriend is always angry?

Archived

–,
Monday,
March,
16,
2009,(8:05am)

Dear Bossy: I am in need of some advice regarding my current relationship. I am an avid reader of your blog and also comment from time to time.

I have been with my girlfriend for about 15 months. While there are so many positive aspects of the relationship that I am so happy and proud of, there are also dents everywhere you look. Now I do understand that there is no perfect relationship and there are always 2 sides to the story.

Now to cut long story short, I find that my girlfriend seems to always be angry at something/someone and I’m always the person to get the jist of everything. This is just through normal times, but when PMS comes around, I get the full force of a raging Godzilla!

If she isn’t angry with work, its her parents. If she isn’t angry with her parents, its friends. And if it isn’t friends, its me. Now through all that no matter who she is angry with, I’m always at the firing line. I love her to bits and would do everything for her, I have been there to talk to and listen to any problems she is having. I have given my advice on topics that I can relate to, but she always comes back and tells me I don’t contribute anything. I’m starting to feel that no matter what I say, no matter how important it is to me, if she doesn’t like what she hears, she’ll turn it around and suddenly everything is my fault because I am never there for her.

I am a generally positive happy go lucky guy, I rarely get angry at anyone or anything but somehow she sees this as such a negative trait of mine. Is it really? She says that I never stress of anything, I’m like that because if I was a stresshead like she is, things will never work. She is a self confessed stresshead, she seems to stress and worry about everything around her, even things like what should we eat for dinner, she will start stressing by breakfast time. Whereas I will be there telling her that it really is nothing to worry about, we will go where we feel like when the time comes. Believe me, that will start an arguement right there.

I know the easy way out is to break it off with her, but I do care for her and I know she cares for me. She does look out for me quite a lot and I always appreciate and try my best to show this, which is probably why I’m always happy when were together. We communicate a lot, sometimes it is too much but I never let it bother me as being a man, I know we are supposed to be there day and night to people that we care about.

I just really don’t know anymore what to do to deal with this stresshead situation. At times when we are having a misunderstanding, I will just shut up and not say my side of the story just because I know she will never stop until she feels like she’s won the arguement. I’m scared that my light-hearted approach to a lot of things will disappear over time. I am also scared that one day, I end up hurting one of the most important people to me.

Sorry if my letter somehow looks quite confusing, it is one of those days where I know she wil never call me until I call or go to her. Because that is when she feels she has won. I’m out of ideas in my head and starting to feel depressed.

Any help or advice would be appreciated, even if its harsh on me.

At wits end.

Bossy says: Of course it’s your fault, you big nancy. You’re a man aren’t you? There are probably a million things you’re doing wrong. And plenty she has to be angry about. I bet your toenails are too long. Or you slurp when you eat your breakfast. You take too long in bed. You snore. And you definitely leave your towel on the bathroom floor.

I’m kidding of course, although for a second I’m sure I heard the collective heart rate of the male bloggers bouncing off the roof. I guess what I’m trying to illustrate is that it’s easy when we live with an aggressive, angry person to start taking on their problems and even start blaming ourselves. We start to get brainwashed into believing they actually have a point.

It did make me feel pretty sad though to think of you turning from a happy-go-lucky lover of life into a misanthrope like your girlfriend. You see, for the record, you’re not the person who needs to change. Your girlfriend - who sounds like a bully - is the one who needs to get a grip.

I get that your girlfriend is probably a decent sort of person, deep down. But she has a bad temper. And like many people with a temper she thinks she can get away with spraying her vile ill-will on those close to her. She’s self-involved and selfish and she thinks you, the kindly good-natured boyfriend will continue to put up with her rot. Sometimes she’s so high on her rant she even starts poking at you… telling you your lack of anger is a negative trait. Don’t worry, it’s not true. It’s just another thing for her to be angry about.

The irony is your girlfriend probably thinks she’s a great emotional communicator. People who always have to be right and who badger until others back down and let them win, often do. She thinks because she knows how to “let it all out” that she’s really “in-touch” with her emotion.s She porbably accuses you of being a bit stunted in that area.

Of course, she’s not really in-touch, she’s just showing her lack of emotional maturity and her inability to deal with even the smallest life stresses. And because she’s so terrible at dealing with things she takes it out on the nearest person. You.

What she fails to realise is how much less she’s likely to achieve with her sort of attitude. She fails to grasp that stressed, angry people are usually less productive than relaxed people and far less creative. You may not act like the world is going to end when the paper isn’t delivered, but it doesn’t mean you’re any less ambitious or hardworking, driven, motivated or interesting that your girl.

I don’t think you need to break it off with your girlfriend. Not yet, anyway. But you do need to put your foot down. And you need to be as honest as you can with her about this problem. You need to tell her that her anger and behaviour isn’t endearing. You need to tell her that your love is strong, but not unconditional. Tell her that her bad moods are really getting you down.

Don’t get in an argument. This isn’t an opportunity for her to prove she’s right. Walk away from that if you have to. She’s had her turn to speak many, many times in the past. Don’t be argued into submission.

From now on take a zero tolerance approach to her problem. Stop sitting still when she rants or explodes. Leave the room or even the house. Let her know you find her behaviour self-interested, self-indulgent and boorish.

Let her know you like to look on the sunny side of life and will continue to do so. Let her know most of the time life isn’t really so serious after all.

I reckon we’ve all been guilty of taking out our bad moods on our partners. It happens. But it doesn’t make it right. Probably as your girl gets older she will learn to control herself better - or should. But you can’t wait around for that. So tell her enough is enough. Tell her you’re her whipping boy no longer.

Accept that if she does agree to try to control her temper she may still slip. But don’t be too forgiving. You can accept the odd outburst but don’t look the other way. Maintain a hard line against poor behaviour. In relationships we often get what we are prepared to accept. And if you accept this antisocial attitude any longer that is what you will continue to get.

Recognise too that relationships should really inspire you. They should make you better. And if they don’t; if you try to make it work and they really still bring you down, then you should probably find someone else.

Have Your Say

Yep check out the last PMS post, but man just tell her sraight out, tell her you won’t tolerate being a punching bag. If she doesn’t like it, show her the road!!!!! It ain’t worth it, no one deserves that crap.

There’s a thought: buy her a punching bag and hang it up in the garage.

Every time she starts to fire up, plonk her in front of it with a frying pan in hand. If she doesn’t take to it, take a photo of yourself holding a placard saying something along the lines of “you look fat with that frying pan” (but slightly more creative) and stick it on.

Mat replied to Sokrates
Mon 16 Mar 09 (01:09pm)

Right on. Call her on her crap man, don’t let her get away with it.

Samantha replied to Sokrates
Mon 16 Mar 09 (04:09pm)

It is hard to improve on Bossy’s reply… I think it is perfect and the necessary advice you need to tackle your issues with your partner. You cannot allow you relationship to be governed in this way. It takes two people to be happy… if one of you is not then it is not working. If she can treat you in this manner now imagine in 2, 4, 10 years time..... imagine when/if you have kids… imagine what you would go through with her if things get tough financially with jobs or in your relationship or with BIG issues. Life is too short to settle for this type of life and ultimately if your relationship remains this way it is doomed. You need to tackle the issues now and get her to understand what she is like from your point of view… if she can’t or won’t then you can’t settle for this. Her good points do not outweigh how she treats you in this way. Communication is the #1 issue for any couple.... lack of or break down of communication is what makes or breaks a relationship.

Anyone is capable of a tendency for bad moods… however, most of us choose NOT to be like this (I know I do sometimes) and do what we can to overcome this parts of our character or personality so as to be happier ourselves and to our partner etc.

I agree with Sokrates about the PMS post… PMS exists but it, for the most part can be controlled and/or managed either by the woman wanting to or by medication. Women you use PMS to be horrible (bossy, nasty, aggressive bitches) are just totally selfish.

Ultimately ‘at wits end’… this is HER problem but you have allowed it to become a big problem in your relationship and you will now have to get her to understand it is not acceptable. She may not take kindly to criticism or what you tell her.... but… she must learn to take on board what you and others say, both positive and negative, and learn from comments and make change.... we all have to do this. She may initially be angry and/or upset… hopefully this will pass. But, if it does not you may need to let her know that if she can’t amend this behaviour that it undermines your relationship and you cannot live in this way. You may have not alternative but to end it… but hopefully she will be adult enough to see things from your point of view. Good Luck!

Bourke replied to Sokrates
Tue 17 Mar 09 (11:06am)

There are such things as truly mutual loving relationships where a major objective of each person is the emotional wellbeing and happiness of their partner. Where there are no emotional games or manipulation. These things do exist, assuming you are willing to hold up your end of such a duo.

Many people find only one or two such relationships in their life, and often its not the first person you marry. Some never find such love, usually because they settle for something far less because they never knew how far below par they have stopped looking.

When someone experiences such love once then situations like this are very easy for them to resolve - they dont tolerate it. If they cant help the person change they just move on.

For those yet to experience one of these truly mutual loving relationships I urge you to talk to a friend or relative who has - let them give you the courage to keep trying. It is the most worthwhile objective in life.

John replied to Sokrates
Tue 17 Mar 09 (12:49pm)

Yep… tell her that you’re not going to put up with her crap, or you’ll leave. If she doesn’t stop, then leave! Chances are she’ll be angry, but hopefully you’ve saved her next boyfriend some stress!

The other thing I’ve realised is that woman don’t want solutions when the complain, they just want to complain. Guys are solution orientated. Comes to us if you have a problem ladies!! If you want to whinge, go to a girl. It’s in our DNA to want to fix things, if someone is whinging it is nearly impossible for a guy to not give the answer…

So, repeat these lines over and over when they whinge… (was this Chris Rock?)

‘Ah huh’
‘Mmmmm’
‘I see’
‘I told you that bitch was crazy!!!’

Then if they ask you a question, THEY DON’T WANT YOUR OPINION (crazy I know), but, they just want you to agree with them. All you do is say ‘What do you think?’, then whatever they say, you just agree with (no matter what). You might have to change it up a bit so that she doesn’t realise what you’re doing, but it works everytime.

Sokrates replied to Sokrates
Tue 17 Mar 09 (02:32pm)

Bourke replied to Sokrates
Tue 17 Mar 09 (12:06pm)
There are such things as truly mutual loving relationships where a major objective of each person is the emotional wellbeing and happiness of their partner. Where there are no emotional games or manipulation. These things do exist, assuming you are willing to hold up your end of such a duo.
Many people find only one or two such relationships in their life, and often its not the first person you marry. Some never find such love, usually because they settle for something far less because they never knew how far below par they have stopped looking.
When someone experiences such love once then situations like this are very easy for them to resolve - they dont tolerate it. If they cant help the person change they just move on.
For those yet to experience one of these truly mutual loving relationships I urge you to talk to a friend or relative who has - let them give you the courage to keep trying. It is the most worthwhile objective in life.

Lol I never thought of it like that, but all I can say is my woman is exactly just that, she is honestly an angel sent from above, she has taught me so much that I truly can’t express what she means to me.

Working for each other constantly does really bring untold joy, I know, my ex was a freaking nightmare and needless to say I thought they were all teh same until my wife showed me differently.

Samantha replied to Sokrates
Tue 17 Mar 09 (05:06pm)

Bourke replied to Sokrates

You are totally right! It is possible and it is amazing when you find THE ONE even after it takes you one or two failed attempts to get there. It is not worth settling for less than equal… life is just too short to be unhappy. COMMUNICATION is the only answer for Wits End (and any relationship.... don’t let it become a BIG problem.. talk about it early!)..... if OP can communicate his needs and wants to his lady and she can understand and accept them and wants to meet him halfway then it can work. If not THE ONE may be someone he is yet to meet.

Quite simple. Give the ultimatum. Stop the crap or you’re out. Do it now or it’ll never get better… just worse as the stresses of long-term relationships kick in (i.e. kids). If she’s bad now, she’ll be worse then.

This sounds like its way more trouble than its worth. Its borderlining on emotional abuse and thats something that can take years to overcome once your out of the relationship. My ex boyfriend was just like this and it was horrible.

As far as you being a happy go lucky guy, no way is that a bad thing! I am the same, nothing seems to bother me, I never stress about anything and am always happy and its the best way to be. Dont let someone bring you down!

Stop being your girlfriends doormat and punchingbag!

You can’t change her moods - only she can do that. But you can change how you deal with her.

Tell her if she has a problem, then she needs to sort it out with the person directly - instead of just whingeing about it all the time.

Perhaps life is just so good she has to make up things to have a problem with? I’m sure we all know what its like - some days you wake up in a bad mood, looking for a fight....even if theres nothing really to fight about.

That’s what doona days are for! If you can’t face the world… or you think you’re going to make people unhappy with your mood (and you’re right, we all get those days, and most of us recognise them) then stay at home or do something to fix the mood. Go walking in the park, stare at the ocean, read a book, relax and get over it.

Recognising that you’re having a bad day is good. Choosing to not inflict yourself or your negativity on others is also good. Good luck with your gf!!

Soriah replied to Moose
Mon 16 Mar 09 (11:58am)

Paranoia - I love Doona Days for any occasion. I just wish I could wear my PJ’s and ugg boots to work when it was bitterly cold. Apparently it isn’t adviseable in my line of work - they’d mistake me for a patient. Damn it.

Sheep replied to Moose
Mon 16 Mar 09 (11:58am)

Get a couple of the sumo wrestler padding costumes and go for it every time she complains. Don’t worry some of her complaints may be legitamate, you have sumo wrestler padding costumes!

Get Real replied to Moose
Mon 16 Mar 09 (03:22pm)

I love Doona Days for any occasion

Does that inhclude Dutch ovens?

Hey, ever heard the term “punching bag”? Well your getting the punches and she’s the bag. Dump her, you will never be happy.

And Bossy, “You take too long in bed”? I didn’t know that was even possible?

And Bossy, “You take too long in bed”? I didn’t know that was even possible?

Well done Stirrer. Expose yourself as a dud root why don’t you?

Anyone who thinks a woman wants a man to hump her for hours on end obviously has no idea whatsoever.

Jizzi replied to Stirrer
Mon 16 Mar 09 (10:13am)

ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES...sounds great and let her know you are about to leave if nothing is about to change…

If the classes cannot help, dump the chick and get yourself a new one....someone equally positive…

Elisa replied to Stirrer
Mon 16 Mar 09 (10:57am)

I dunno about leaving, I think in his place I’d try Bossy’s suggestion first (put your foot down, announce no more of this crap, and then do NOT let her argue about it).

But hey - there is something very very true here about being a punching bag.

If you make yourself a doormat, expect to get trodden on!

Nick replied to Stirrer
Mon 16 Mar 09 (12:21pm)

Women don’t have to want advise or opinions to talk to you about them. They know what they need to do, they just want you to hear them out, be sympathetic and support them. When you offer advise they feel patronised, lectured to and it makes you appear to trivialise their grievence into robot actions. Women don’t like feeling that they aren’t the centre of the world, whichever world matters most to them.

So, guys, what do we do? Can all the women stop reading please?
Ok, whenever she says to you: “I feel” or any variation alluding to it, you never respond with a sentence featuring: “I think” or anything implying you’re making a rational compromise on her emotional issue.

Stirrer replied to Stirrer
Mon 16 Mar 09 (10:09pm)

Oh Sahara, I feel sorry for you if you think “time in bed” is just spent humping. There are lots and lots of activities which take time in bed. Maybe it’s you who is the dud root?

harlequin replied to Stirrer
Tue 17 Mar 09 (12:49pm)

Spot-on Stirrer. It seems Sahara hasn’t heard of foreplay.

Sahara replied to Stirrer
Tue 17 Mar 09 (03:48pm)

There are lots and lots of activities which take time in bed

Ah Stirrer.

See how a little clarification can change everything.

P.S. I may have a long list of faults but I can guarantee you that being a “dud root” has never been one of them.

Anger Management classes are fantastic but it assumes that the person attending them recognises that they have a problem.

To tell the truth, I’m in a similar situation at the moment with a man whose moods range from malevolent to opinionated to incoherent rage. It’s never physical, always verbal and when alcohol is added it’s nerve-racking. Finding the right time to give him an ultimatum or show him the door and to manage the implosion that results requires enormous sensitivity and skill. I don’t envy the OP for the situation they are in or for the fact that they will have to steer proceedings simply because their partner won’t. It’s much harder than it sounds.

Anywhere But Here replied to Sir Hooch KTB
Mon 16 Mar 09 (11:31am)

Anger Management classes are fantastic but it assumes that the person attending them recognises that they have a problem.

To tell the truth, I’m in a similar situation at the moment with a man whose moods range from malevolent to opinionated to incoherent rage. It’s never physical, always verbal and when alcohol is added it’s nerve-racking. Finding the right time to give him an ultimatum or show him the door and to manage the implosion that results requires enormous sensitivity and skill. I don’t envy the OP for the situation they are in or for the fact that they will have to steer proceedings simply because their partner won’t. It’s much harder than it sounds.

Anywhere But Here replied to Sir Hooch KTB
Mon 16 Mar 09 (11:31am)

Anger Management classes are fantastic but it assumes that the person attending them recognises that they have a problem.

To tell the truth, I’m in a similar situation at the moment with a man whose moods range from malevolent to opinionated to incoherent rage. It’s never physical, always verbal and when alcohol is added it’s nerve-racking. Finding the right time to give him an ultimatum or show him the door and to manage the implosion that results requires enormous sensitivity and skill. I don’t envy the OP for the situation they are in or for the fact that they will have to steer proceedings simply because their partner won’t. It’s much harder than it sounds.

jaycee replied to Sir Hooch KTB
Mon 16 Mar 09 (02:50pm)

1 word. AntiDepressants. I was not a fan of them at all, until I met my current squeeze. We spent a year pretty much fighting, but I stuck with it because I knew we could work out. She finally took the hint and went and saw a doctor. Now, the only fights that ever occur is when she forgets them. The difference is amazing. She’s back to the same loving girl that I met. The house is quiet. I am not embarressed to go outside and say hi to the neighbours, as the days of screeching fights are long gone.

Hey

The way I see it, your girlfriend is potentially self-righteous and insecure, and her being angry at someone is her way of demonstrating her own superiority in her mind - i.e. “this” person has made her “justifiably angry” and so she’s going to take them down a peg or two by having a go at them behind their back. It probably makes her feel like a better person, and I wouldnt be surprised when she lashes out at you for being ‘the better person’ when you demonstrate your own unflappable nature in the face of adversity and you thereby indirectly challenge her own method of dealing with her issues.

Now, I may or may not be right about the reason for her anger, but besides that there is no excuse for her taking her anger issues out on you. Its a form of abuse in my mind - that she forces you to walk on eggshells because ‘shes feeling angry and you’re not doing enough for her’. Sorry, thats complete bullshit. You dont have to do anymore than listen and be understanding when you are with her. But you do need to do something - which is draw some boundaries and not let her treat you this way. 1. You dont deserve it and 2. she’s not going to change the way she treats you unless you change the way you allow yourself to be treated.

I strongly suggest that you confront her on the issue, saying something like “You and I both understand you’re na angry, stressful person. I think that you need help to discover the cause of that anger because I no longer want to be treated like your personal scapegoat. This is a serious issue for us, and we can’t go on like this anymore”.

I know that confronting her might be a scary thing. But the scarier thing is that I *personally know* a couple where the woman is insanely over-emotional and gets angry at the slightest thing (like if her husband finds out about the tiniest thing before she does), and the husband is the most laid back *passive* guy in the world. You dont want to be that guy. I shudder when I think of their marriage - even if they have been married for 30 years. Do you want that kind of life? Can you imagine how much worse she’s going to get over time if you dont curb her behaviour? Do you really want to put up with being treated that way even if she’s a nice girl? Don’t be a passive, compliant person. Stand up for yourself.

Now in saying this, there will be things in your relationship that may change for the better and for the worse. It may come down to it that as good as you are together, you might not meant to be together. But dont be afraid of that outcome. Be afraid of being stuck with an angry shrew of a woman for the rest of your life.

A good book for you to read could be ‘Boundaries” by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend - it deals with all sorts of situations where people let others walk over them and helps you identify where good personal boundaries should be set. Cheers.

While that comment gave me a quick laugh, an actually constructive approach would be next time she goes into a tirade about these ever-occuring issues that never get solved, ask her to give you a neck rub because you’ve had a crappy day. See if she can put concern for you in front of her own agenda, that should tell you everything about your future with her.

Westy replied to Charlie Harper
Mon 16 Mar 09 (11:39am)

Steak and BJ day was Saturday. Now he has to wait a whole year until it’s mandatory again.

Get Real replied to Charlie Harper
Mon 16 Mar 09 (03:34pm)

So did anyone get lucky on Saturday?

Welcome to a relationship with a woman!

This is what many of them are like, you just have to steer clear of them sometimes. My wife gets upset sometimes, walk away and come back later. This is a pretty easy walk around, and causes you and her little stress.

I would suggest staying in the relationship, talking about it to her, and if she isn’t receptive, just give her her space around that time of the month.

No!!!!
I’m a woman and would never treat my partner like this (even when my PMT is at it’s worst and I am frothing at the mouth on the inside, I have enough maturity and restraint not to take it out on those around me)- nor would I respect a man that would let me treat him like this. we also have kids and refuse to model behaviour like that for my kids.
She doesn’t behave like this because she’s a woman, she does it because she’s a b***h!

just a suggestion replied to Narkus Maximus
Mon 16 Mar 09 (11:18am)

Personally, I am a MUCH much happier person since I ended my relationship with a male who just always was getting angry at some little thing I did, etc. etc. blah blah blah.

I know there are alot of reasons to stay in unhappy relationships but for me, I’d rather just be on my own than argue and live in a house with constant tension and treading on eggshells.

Unbelievably, there are men who are in constant bad moods too, but because they don’t get PMS it doesn’t rate a mention somehow.

Narkus Maximus replied to Narkus Maximus
Mon 16 Mar 09 (11:34am)

By reading your response, you sound angrier than the OPs girlfriend…

It’s life, everyone gets irritated, it’s how you deal with it that makes the relationship. We used to have the odd barney, but they’re virtually non existent now because we know how to handle each other. And I wouldn’t walk away from this relationship in a million years. People - you can work through your issues, it all depends how bad it is and if both parties are willing to discuss or compromise.

The Cenobyte replied to Narkus Maximus
Mon 16 Mar 09 (12:09pm)

Thought of the Day
A woman always has the last say in an argument...anything you say after that..New Argument

Anne replied to Narkus Maximus
Mon 16 Mar 09 (01:48pm)

Narkus, while pretty much anyone (male or female) can and will lash out on a bad day, to say all women are like this is unfair. Most of us are civilised and have more mature ways of dealing with our anger, stress or frustration other than taking it out on our nearest and dearest. Reading the OP’s tale, and recalling the PMS one a few weeks back, it never ceases to amaze me how many decent, sweet guys end up with total psycho slapheads. You see it all the time. And nice guys reckon they always finish last?!?

just a suggestion replied to Narkus Maximus
Tue 17 Mar 09 (09:46am)

the one that constantly stumps me in these posts is why so many people stick with abusive partners. I have a low threshhold for bs, it’s true, but isn’t it better to be on your own than putting up with the sort of stuff described by the OP? It’s not just the nice guys putting up with their seemingly foul girlfriends, everybody seems to put up with alot, even from roomates. Much better to just live on your own than live with such difficulty, I say, with the exception of your children :D who you can actually train to not give you crap.

Miles replied to Narkus Maximus
Wed 18 Mar 09 (10:42am)

Just a Suggestion: I totally agree!!! But my theory on the matter is that the fear of being alone outweighs the negatives of the relationship - no matter how bad. Of course, this all stems from that ever-expanding force in today’s society - insecurity!

hmm reminded of my old days, except I took it out on everyone else around me (my family mainly) It took a while for me to grow out of this.

Self confessing to this is ok, but it sounds like that your gf isn’t changing or trying to change. Sometimes we say that because if you admit to something that you have been doing, you will later think that it’s your right to take it out on your closest family/friends.

Try to distance yourself whenever it happens next time. Tell her that you love her, but you find her behaviour unacceptable. Be firm and don’t relax the rules when she’s getting better, draw a firm line show that “if you cross this then I will leave the situation”. Sometimes she blows up at you, because you are just there. That is simply not fair to you.

Good luck, this will be long and hard.

PS - Show her this blog sure that will start an argument I am sure, but this is how you currently feel.

I get so angry and annoyed and I know I take it out on my boyfriend. I guess he is just someone to express my frustrations too.

I was diagnosed with depression (no, it’s not a cop out), I really am depressed. Maybe your girlfriend is depressed too? When you are depressed you find it hard to see the good things in life. I have been reading a good book called ‘Changing your thinking’. There is also a book called ‘Authentic happiness’. Both have helped me. Maybe you could buy one for your girlfriend?

Your girlfriend is a negative thinker and a pessimist. You are an optimist. You think she is too negative and she thinks you are too positive. There isn’t any way you can MAKE her become a more positive person, but you can try to help her see that she is negative and encourage her to change her thinking. Or maybe encourage her to see a behavioural therapist? Also, get your girlfriend involved in lots of activities (sport or dance classes etc). Get her out of the house and out doing things. If she FEELS better (physical exercise is good for this), she will THINK better. It is really hard to change the way we think, but small steps can be made with lots of hard work and lots of support!

I agree with Jules. My mate is going through the same thing because his girlfriend, has possibly the least amount of self confidence I have ever seen. The bit about the “what’s for dinner” fight made me laugh because it is the exact reason for a fight they have EVERY DAY. While I personally wouldn’t be able to take it and would have bailed a long time ago, if she’s worth it, stick it out and help her through it.

I agree replied to jules
Mon 16 Mar 09 (09:49am)

Jules, I couldn’t agree more and was going to suggest the same thing. I had been a very happy, easy going (if sometimes passionate) person but found myself developing anger issues and became very teary. It turned out that I too was suffering from depression. No matter how much I tried positive self-talk even the smallest stresses started to get to me. I am now on a low dose of an anti-depressant and couldn’t be happier! In my case the depression was caused by both highly-stressful life events and a chemical imbalance. Perhaps she just needs a good doctor and doesn’t know why she feels this unreasonable anger.
Good luck with everything. In my case my husband was extremely supportive when I sought help and I can’t tell you how much that helped me. If your girlfriend is willing to admit that she could be a lot happier if she deals with the issue then I suggest you give her all the help you can. You sound like a good man who will stick by her. Keep in mind that for some people, admitting that you have a problem and can’t cope can be very difficult and it may take her a little while to take that first step.

Max replied to jules
Mon 16 Mar 09 (10:38am)

I agree Depression is real

It really is Gods way of telling us to get a new girlfriend.

GUYS YOU DO NOT WANT TO live 24/7/365 WITH LIKE THIS FOR THE NEXT 60 YEARS.

Bel of Sydney replied to jules
Mon 16 Mar 09 (11:58am)

I am also like you Jules. Unfortunately I was so bad that my fiance’ actually up and left me and our lovely home that we had just purchased 6 months prior to our wedding date. I myself thought that he would never leave as we had everything going for us. Please talk to your girlfriend about how you feel as she probably doesn’t realise what she has with you. I myself regret my mood and anger issues and try everyday to improve so that I dont push “the one” away again as there is now nothing I can do to ever get him back
Please its something that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy to go through and it still hurts everyday!
Good luck

Would rather not say replied to jules
Mon 16 Mar 09 (04:52pm)

I’m surprised I had to scroll all the way down to here to finally see a helpful comment. I completely agree with Jules - I’ll bet your GF is suffering from depression. The reason I say this? Because I was exactly the same. I did exactly the same thing with my hubby and he too is the “optimist/passive/calm as anything” guy. Luckily he didn’t leave me. He stuck by me and now we are working on getting my issues solved. I used to pick on the smallest things from the time I woke up till the time I went to sleep. I used to get angry with hubby for being so “meh” about everything. Surely he could see everything the same way I could - Every small decision was somehow turned into a big one for me.. It was so irritaring! I am also a bit of a perfectionist and have anxiety which makes things worse. I could never seem to come to a decision about anything (your breakfast ordeal). Don’t leave your gf, you said you love her and I’m sure you do. I don’t think she enjoys living like this, but does so because she doesn’t know any way out. I love my hubby so much, I’ve told him a million times that I’m so sorry for my past behaivour because I really am even though I could not control it much. Take care of your GF, I’m sure she is feeling just as bad as you.

E replied to jules
Mon 16 Mar 09 (09:19pm)

As soon as I read this problem I had the same thought as Jules. I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 18 months ago. My behaviour before that was very similar to your girlfriend’s behaviour. I didn’t want to be angry with my husband but I just couldn’t stop myself. It got to a point where he did as bossy is suggesting and put his foot down and told me enough, that something was not right with how I was behaving and I had to get some help. I was very grateful to him for doing that and for having the balls to support me rather than walk away. I have been in therapy now for the past 18 months (yes I did get help straight away) and my relationship with my husband is fantastic now. The only thing I will make clear is she has to want the help and be able to be honest with herself that there is an issue for it to work.....if she doesn’t then you may just have to make the decision.

E replied to jules
Tue 17 Mar 09 (08:52am)

After 15 years of marriage, I left. And now the kids and I are much happier as they don’t see the conflict between the parents. And as for depression, the person has to recognise it first, if they are in denial, it just aggravates the situation when it’s brought up.

Geez Bossy, don’t scare us like that!

This situation sounds like something I’ve come across before. Believe it or not, it can be a sign that you have a strong relationship that’s just become a little complacent. I’ve seen in the past where a friend had the same “punching bag” syndrome, and the driving reason was because Mrs Friend was letting things out to (really at) him because he was the only person she trusted with her emotions. What this boiled down to was he copped the brunt of her frustrations.

It can also mean that there aren’t any big issues to deal with. When there are no major problems to take up a couple’s attentions it gives the opportunity to focus on little things and blow them out of proportion.

I think the biggest thing you need to do it talk to her and establish the difference between venting at you and venting to you (doesn’t help when it’s about you though!).

Couldn’t agree more. I don’t think she is going out of her way to be like this, I think a lot of the time it is complancency. There is no point throwing away a good relationship when something as simple as this can be fixed.

Get Real replied to Pheasant Plucker
Mon 16 Mar 09 (10:11am)

It can also mean that there aren’t any big issues to deal with. When there are no major problems to take up a couple’s attentions it gives the opportunity to focus on little things and blow them out of proportion.

This is it, isn’t it? I mean, life must be good if we start inventing issues. It’s almost like the human spirit needs a balance between the good & the bad. If it’s all good, then we are susceptible to blow things out of proportion.

Bring on the recession…

Tane replied to Pheasant Plucker
Mon 16 Mar 09 (12:44pm)

@ Narkus & GetReal - Well, all other human senses only detect *variations* in what they’re sensing. Example: Try staring at one point on a picture for a minute or two at a time. Eventually, if you stare exactly at the same point without moving your eyes, the picture fades out and all you can see is flat grey.

I believe that in the same way, humans’ happiness is due to their perception of how good life is. If someone’s naturally dissatisfied then unless their life is _constantly improving_ they’ll be unhappy.

For a guy that doesn’t stress a lot you sure are stressing a lot. Just sit her down and have frank and honest discussion with her and tell her how you feel. Then guage how she feels by her response and one way or another move forward don’t get stuck in endless circles. If this does not work try to find star flower oil in like a capsicum spray form and everytime she starts spray her in the face.

I have read in a couple of places where suddenly long term relationships breakup with the woman complaining about the man’s anger and snapping. Man/woman not really the issue. To me the lesson is that it will wear away and break it at some stage.

I have also heard from consellors that anger is not always bad. In some cultures it is quite tolerated and no one really gets upset. I won’t say which because people here don’t like to generalise; but then how can it be a culture if it doesn’t have general distinguishing features. Generalities do matter; but another issue.

The fact is it upsets you. It is not productive. Your position is reasonable. And then there is nothing more I can add to Bossy.

A repetition, but I read a book some time ago which emphasized that a happy house is one in which fulfilment has high importance and not just rules or rights. That promotes good behaviour, cooperation and the rest of it. It was a real lightbulb moment.

I know exactly what you are going through - my mate never has anything nice to say about anything. She is a product of her background of a lousy family life, worse marriage and a few other times life has kicked her in the teeth. She’s been attacked so many times and now she is a stronger person she’s fighting back. Problem is, often she defends herself before she’s attacked.

Can I suggest looking at your partner’s background to try and figure out why she is the way she is? I agree with the previous poster who said your girlfriend is insecure. I imagine you are quite a confident person, if you let the world’s slights against you roll off your back? If you can help your girlfriend overcome her insecurities it will help toughen her skin, so smaller problems will no longer be grade A dramas. And if she has more self-confidence she can tackle the source of other issues, rather then taking her problems out on a safe target.

I agree with Amy, background could be an issue. My girlfriend comes from an abusive family situation, which still affects her. The smallest thing to occur in her household is followed by an eruption of anger (even something simple as a light being left on, breakfast being a min or 2 late etc.)

As a result she has been diagnosed with depression, constantly stresses about the most insignificant things and thinks it’s strange that I don’t get angry if (we can’t get a booking for a restaurant, we can’t find a carpark, if she is a few mins late when we go out etc).

I’m an extremely relaxed guy with a “she’ll be right” kind of attitude, which confuses her at times as she is used to stressful circumstances at home and I feel she questions her own ability to communicate with me. Especially with her opinions, which she isn’t used to being allowed to communicate. However when she does, she is very forceful and yells or makes a scene as that is how her family operates. She also lies a lot, it’s rife in her family, no one is honest about anything at any time, backstabbing and secrecy are the norm (I never figured I’d be sneaking around with my partner being 24 year old guy - but I do it for her).

In the end, we spoke about it and she does her best not to take it out on me, as she lost her friends when they discarded her and made fun of her depression etc. on an internet blog they visit. Naturally she gets frustrated at times, because she has horrible luck. It’s mind boggling what can go horribly wrong for her! In those instances, I listen to her, give her a hug and ask if I can help. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t and she yells, but she is trying her best to change the way she reacts as she admitted herself she doesn’t like it.

We have been together for over 3 years now. I stuck around because I think she is the right person for me.
Currently I try and remind her that we both only have to wait until November to get out of Uni and can travel/buy a house/do whatever we want. Not sure how it’s going to turn out, she can’t leave without compounding many issues in her life.

I suppose I wrote this to help myself as much as to help you. It’s reassuring knowing people have similar circumstances to me and that they are also working through it.

If you think she is the right girl, sit her down and work through it. It will be rewarding in the end.

Bossy, love your last thoughts about how relationships should inspire you and make you better. So true.

Print out this page with and all the comments. Hand the pages to her, and give her to contact details of the Hotel/mates place you’re going to be staying at for the next few days. She needs to consider in her own time what she’s doing to the people around her and you will find out where things actually stand. If she really cares she’ll call you and if not, you’ll know it wasn’t meant to be in the long run. Just my opinion.

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