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Theon! Is that you, gurl? Jonathan loves three things - hair, twerking and Game of Thrones. Watch every week as he breaks down each episode. Warning: The following video contains vague references and confusing plot analysis, which are not really spoilers.

[theme music]
Jonathan van Ness: Oh, did you watch Game of
Thrones last night?
Alfie Allen: I didn't. No. I was out.
I'm actually in that show.
Jonathan van Ness: Oh my God. Is that
you Theon?
Alfie Allen: That is me,
Theon.
Jonathan van Ness: Oh my God. With this
blond I didn't even
Jonathan van Ness: recognize you.
Alfie Allen: Do you like it?
Jonathan van Ness: I love.
Alfie Allen: Nice.
Jonathan van Ness: You missed the craziest
episode this week.
[theme music]
Jonathan van Ness: Could you believe how
stupid Catelyn's brother
Jonathan van Ness: was last night?
Alfie Allen: Eddard, yeah.
Jonathan van Ness: Jonathan: He missed three
times. I feel so bad
Jonathan van Ness: for him, but then the uncle
got up, and was all like,
Jonathan van Ness: "Get out the way.
I got this."
Jonathan van Ness: And then he was
all like, "Uh!"
Jonathan van Ness: ♪ This is how
we do it ♪
Jonathan van Ness: So then, Hot Pie, that one
boy, he got a job
Jonathan van Ness: at the Inn, because he
cooked this little like bread
Jonathan van Ness: for the girl, and she
was like, "I love this
Jonathan van Ness: bread. It's so good."
Jonathan van Ness: So he staying.
Alfie Allen: Do you think Hot
Pie is hot?
Jonathan van Ness: No. He doesn't qualify
for my triple B:
Jonathan van Ness: big, black, bigger
than me.
Alfie Allen: I've got
the 3 T's.
Jonathan van Ness: What's that?
Alfie Allen: Teeth, tits, toes.
Jonathan van Ness: Oh. I was so relieved when
that boy came to save
Jonathan van Ness: you. You were serving me
crucified feet, bloody feet,
Jonathan van Ness: and then they like got you
down, and you were so thirsty,
Jonathan van Ness: and your feet hurt so bad,
and I was like totally
Jonathan van Ness: feeling your pain.
Jonathan van Ness: So then you got on the
horse, and I was like,
Jonathan van Ness: "Thank God. He's going to be okay.
She's going to be fine."
Jonathan van Ness: So you're like riding, and you
were like serving me fierceness.
Jonathan van Ness: And then you had like this
quad horse attack.
Jonathan van Ness: When you were getting chased
down, and I was like,
Jonathan van Ness: "What is he going to do
to get out of this?"
Jonathan van Ness: You get knocked off,
and I was like,
Jonathan van Ness: "Oh my God. Fuck. He's like
going to go back there."
Jonathan van Ness: And then when he takes his
pants off, I was like...
Jonathan van Ness: And then you were like, you're
little tushie, which,
Jonathan van Ness: can we talk about your tushie,
she's like all about your
Jonathan van Ness: tushie fierceness.
Alfie Allen: You can talk about my
tushie, but it ain't
Alfie Allen: my tushie. It's a
stunt tushie baby.
Jonathan van Ness: He had a nice tushie.
Jonathan van Ness: But what he said to you, I
was like, "Can you talk to him
Jonathan van Ness: like a lady please?"
Jonathan van Ness: Like, take his pants off, I'm
going fuck him into the dirt.
Jonathan van Ness: I was like, "You gotta warm
my kitten up before you
Jonathan van Ness: talk to her like that."
Alfie Allen: Yeah, totally.
Jonathan van Ness: What is it though with shows?
I mean they finally serve me a
Jonathan van Ness: gay scene, and it's gotta
be all fucked up.
Jonathan van Ness: Downton, sleepy molestation.
Jonathan van Ness: Fucking, Game of Thrones,
like 4 guys raping a dude
Jonathan van Ness: in the woods, like getting
knocked off a horse.
Jonathan van Ness: Like can I just get a
beautiful, gay like love
Jonathan van Ness: making story?
Alfie Allen: I thought there was
some beautiful gay stuff
Alfie Allen: in it already?
Jonathan van Ness: I don't remember it
being beautiful. I remember
Jonathan van Ness: it being short lived.
Jonathan van Ness: So last night was
Potter's big night.
Jonathan van Ness: 3 vaginas.
One Podrick.
Jonathan van Ness: So afterwards he walks into
the room with the
Jonathan van Ness: munchkin, and
the helper...
Alfie Allen: Can you just not call
him munchkin please?
Jonathan van Ness: But, Podrick came out
and was all like, "Huh."
Jonathan van Ness: And then he was like,
"Here's your money
Jonathan van Ness: from the whores."
Jonathan van Ness: I don't know if he was
like really sweet and
Jonathan van Ness: endearing, and like made
love to them, so they
Jonathan van Ness: were like...
Alfie Allen: Alfie: I don't think he did
even make love to them.
Alfie Allen: I think he just had a light
chat, and was just...
Jonathan van Ness: Jonathan: Yeah. It's
like controversial.
Jonathan van Ness: So the incestuous boy, he
was trying to get
Jonathan van Ness: a word in edgewise with the
guy, and he was like being
Jonathan van Ness: all cool with like his
captor, but then they
Jonathan van Ness: chain his fucking ass to
this table, and they
Jonathan van Ness: cut his fucking
hand off.
Jonathan van Ness: And that shit
looked so real.
Jonathan van Ness: He was like, "Ah!"
Jonathan van Ness: It's like, it's gone.
Alfie Allen: That's crazy.
Jonathan van Ness: So at the end of the
story, I get it.
Jonathan van Ness: It's like, we all have our
weaknesses. Everyone can
Jonathan van Ness: get hurt. Everyone can whatever.
Like, blah, blah, blah.
Jonathan van Ness: When is the hardcore
gay sex coming?
Jonathan van Ness: Ooh Alfie, you're serving me
Greyjoy fierceness.
Jonathan van Ness: Where are you
going tonight?
Alfie Allen: I'm going to this
Mad Men themed party.
Jonathan van Ness: Do you watch
that show?
Alfie Allen: Naw. I can't be bothered with it.
It's far too confusing.
Alfie Allen: Too many characters.
[theme music]
Alfie Allen: Where the fuck?
Jonathan van Ness: Are my dragons.