There is room in the multiplex for campy, heroic tales based on mythological deities. The original Clash of the Titans has not kept up with technology, but it remains a respected moment in time just short of cult classic status. It’s hard to believe any kid or teenager who sees Gods of Egypt will hold on to any fond memories of it or pause when they run across it on cable 20 years from now. Continuing the recent lackluster phenomenon of the Clash of the Titans remakes, Immortals, and the dreadful The Legend of Hercules, Gods of Egypt is throwaway nonsense with a story so full of plot holes it hurts to even try and describe it.

Why is every film remotely connected to ancient Greek, Roman, or Egyptian mythology stuffed full of faux British accents? I ridiculed The Legend of Hercules for this and noticed it straight away again here. Both Gods and mortals, who live together in a Garden of Eden version of Cairo, speak in the same elevated, soft vowel tone that nobody in real life sounds like. The accents are just as fake as all the green screen showcasing mighty pyramids, colossal obelisks, and even a space ship. Director Alex Proyas doesn’t waste your money on the 3D effects; just about everything leaps off the screen, he only wastes your money with everything else.

King of all Egypt, Osiris (Bryan Brown) is hanging up his sandals and transferring the crown to his son, Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Oblivion). Just before the promotion, Osiris’s brother, Set (Gerard Butler, Olympus Has Fallen), interrupts the ceremony, says he’s tired of being God of the Desert, and tells the crowd there’s a new sheriff in town. No longer will the mortals just earn their way into the afterlife with good deeds and token charms, they’ll need to arrive at the gates bearing gold and treasure. The relationship between Gods and mortals is a theme only half-heartedly explored and would have provided some proper dividends if any serious attention was paid to it.

Horus’s mirror image over at Marvel Studios, Thor, was about to be crowned king as well. Thor got himself thrown out of Asgard for being full of hubris. Horus is exiled after Set removes his eyeballs for souvenirs. Once he begins his journey for revenge, Horus will also complete his inevitable character arc of learning to care about the mortals along the way, just like Thor. The mortals in the film are represented by agile thief Bek (Brenton Thwaits, The Giver). Bek enters into a deal with Horus. In exchange for some help getting into Set’s pyramid, Horus will bring Bek’s girlfriend back to life. Whether or not this is possible is beside the point. Bek will obviously fulfill his role as Horus’s pet requiring protection; therefore, Horus will learn how to be a proper God king kind of guy.

Alex Proyas directed Dark City, a mind-blowing sci-fi film from the late ‘90s that asked some intriguing questions. In one crazy shot, the camera pulled back and revealed Dark City was way more than just a city resembling New York. Proyas does the same thing in Gods of Egypt and it is perhaps why I won’t say it’s the worst film of the year. Horus travels up to see his grandfather, Ra (Geoffrey Rush, Minions), and in doing so, we get a look at how Ra drags the sun across the sky, how he fends off some space monster attempting to devour the world, and what exactly the world looks like. These are all brief glimpses, but they jolt the audience out of the doldrums of repetitive action sequences and mind-numbing dialogue.

It’s obvious Lionsgate sunk a chunk of change into the massive visual effects but why short change the script? Written by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless (Dracula Untold, The Last Witch Hunter), just about any line said by any character is mundane bordering on nauseating. There are no insights, very little emotion, and just wait until you get to listen to the God of Wisdom, Thoth (Chadwick Boseman). Boseman was just fine as Jackie Robinson in 42 and delivered a downright virtuoso performance as James Brown in Get on Up; however, as Thoth, he may give the worst acting performance since your sixth grader attempted Shakespeare. Not only is it distracting; it’s laughable, and Boseman better cross his fingers people forget about Gods of Egypt very soon.

I am pretty sure audiences will forget all about this film as soon as its second weekend of release. Bek the mortal nails it on the head when he says to himself, “This is criminal” during one of his heists. Yes, the whole production and any expectations behind the success and worthwhileness of Gods of Egypt are criminal. It’s hard to reconcile Alex Proyas, the man behind Dark City as the man behind Gods of Egypt. His new effort is amateur hour and will go down as a laughable dud. Everyone involved with this film should have known this from the start.