The leading cause of disagreements in the first 10 years of legalized lovin' isn't lipstick-stained collars, lap dances, and suspicious hotel charges, according to a study by the University of Michigan's Early Years of Marriage Project.

It's money, honey.

In fact, statistics reveal that couples argue about finances more than anything else. In a 2006 Money magazine poll, 84 percent of respondents said money causes tension in their marriage. What's more, a study last year by the University of Virginia's National Marriage Project revealed that couples who fight about finances once a week are more than 30 percent more likely to split up than other couples. "People think money is an objective topic and that fair means the same thing to everybody," says Amanda Clayman, a financial therapist in New York City who writes a blog called The Good, the Bad, and the Money. "But money is subjective and emotional. And messy."

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Gender Spenders When it comes to handling the green stuff, divergent personalities abound: There are spenders who are prone to doling out dollars like Tic Tacs, hoarders who have a hard time parting with even a small amount of their hard-earned cash, dreamers who sock away a certain amount from every paycheck in hopes of one day owning a summer home or starting their own catering business, and even spiritual types who believe that money is the root of all evil.

And no matter which of these categories you're in, the guy you're living with may very well be your exact opposite. Says Clayman: "We tend to seek out partners who handle money differently than we do." Plus, the longer you're in the relationship, the more polarized your money habits may become. And if you and your partner aren't on the same page, it can lead to drama.

Money Talks Enter a new breed of indemand expert, born out of our inability to talk about finances and further fueled by the bum economy: the financial therapist. Offering talk-based services to couples, financial therapists dig deep, looking at the emotional roots of our relationships with money—not just what our dysfunctions are and what to do about them, but also where they originated. That's because money issues are often about more than money: They can be about love, control, independence, security, or trust. "Whatever is going on internally with a person is always expressed in how they handle money," says Clayman.

Little wonder then that money problems often find their way into the bedroom. "If you're lying about purchases, distrustful of each other's spending, or not able to meet financial obligations, it can be hard to sustain the connection you need to keep your sex life healthy," says Reeta Wolfsohn, a financial social worker in North Carolina. But combining some funds and sharing important financial responsibilities creates intimacy that enhances other aspects of your relationship.

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In fact, working through money issues can create a stronger emotional bond overall. "When we talk about compromise and cooperation, it can be abstract," says Clayman, "but money gives us a quantifiable tool. Building these skills can improve the well-being of the relationship."

Here's how to open up and talk it through:

Get on the same page.

Know where you both stand in terms of money, and figure out longterm goals as well as your thoughts on investing. "Don't be a silent partner," warns Clayman. If one person is in charge of the finances and the other opts out, this can cause a lot of "You did what with our money?!" conflict later.

Face the music. "It's crucial to examine how debt was accrued and to work together to establish a plan to wipe it out," says Kim Corwin, a Boston-area financial counselor. "Most people who have a significant credit-card debt live in a money fog." Compiling bank statements, credit-card bills, and receipts in one place will clarify the need for change.

Set up weekly check-in meetings. Use the time to pay bills, tally up the month's spending, or clear future purchases with each other. Create a "money space," a location to keep your financial records. Add plants and candles to make it a less stressful environment.

Deal in cash. Piddly stuff—like food and toiletries—is what kills a budget. So if the two of you want to figure out where the money is going, agree to pay in cash. Make a pledge: If the money runs out, there's no going back to the bank.

Set ground rules. If remaining financially independent is important to you, keep separate accounts and have your own retirement savings and investments. But agree to continue contributing to joint accounts and to set limits on what's an acceptable joint-account purchase. Ask, "Is this 65-inch LCD flat-screen something we both want?"

Talk about your past. "Money issues stem from your past experiences and can be tough to shake," says Clayman. Talk about how financial matters were treated in his family and in yours. Discuss the ways your parents saved, spent, and talked about money—and whether you will repeat those patterns or reject them. "What you've each learned to accept as normal will offer insight into your values and foster a level of intimacy," says Clayman.

Let him have it. Reenact a fake argument about money—with your partner pretending to be you, and you pretending to be him—to see how you both come across to each other. It's an eye-opener. "When most couples try this, they begin to understand each other for the first time," says Wolfsohn.

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