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Have you ever wanted your car to look like it was spray painted with 40 cans of Rust-Oleum? Do you think your middling/garbage tier sports team will win over the dolts in the stands with some new gear? Have you ever thought it would be cool to have something with the texture resolution of Grand Theft Auto III? Want your bicycle to have people turn their head and go "that's not shiny bicycle"?

Make it Matte.

Ever wanted your nails to look and feel like you'd left them in an industrial sandblaster for 30 minutes? Want people to confusingly think your product is somehow edgier based on packaging alone? Do you have a gloss-free life and need your consumer goods to match? It's time to take that reflective hole in your heart and coat it with a flat finish.

Make it Matte.

This is more than a paintjob. This is a lifestyle. This look will never go out of style. Matte black a boring toothbrush and fifty years from now people will still be like, "damn that's some hardcore next level dental tool." Matte black your glasses. Matte black AOL disks. Matte black your cat. Make a matte black lab. Get a double special deluxe and matte black your whole damn hometown. People will look down from a plane and be like, "Yo, I can't see anything down there but a dark circle!" You'll create a matte black hole.

Make it Matte.

Don't stop there. Take it to the final finish. Matte yourself. Life is too short for polished surfaces. Diffuse your whole worldview. Make a future so matte you can't reflect on your past. Arms, legs, each and every toe. Your body is a temple-- a temple with a dope new matte finish. Strut around town in matte black face. Just one cool as hell racist depiction of excellence. Get a matte black eye. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters but matte.

This space-age device is a cardboard box with two holes in it. The operative sticks a hand in one end. The contact inserts a hand in the other end. With both hands shielded from prying eyes, a secret handshake can commence.