Some of my favorite Chuck Norris facts that I have found across the web. Try not to laugh when reading this, Chuck may be watching. Click READ MORE (below,right) to continue. Read at your own risk.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer; too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

If at first you don't succeed, you are not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company. The company field tested it but it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from nobody.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma

There are no such things as lesbians, only women who have not met Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

When Chuck Norris gives you the middle finger gesture, he is telling you how many seconds you have left to liveThe state bird of Oklahoma is Chuck Norris' middle finger.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin islands. Now there just the islands.Chuck Norris doesn't﻿ t-bag the ladies he... potato sacks them!

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world downChuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.Chuck norris does not have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.Chuck Norris doesn't breath, he holds air hostage.Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blueJesus died on the cross because he wanted to appear on a necklace across Chuck Norris's bare chest.Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris does not have a reflection., there is only one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented cheesburgers by throwing a cow through a chain link fence.Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this a "slow Tuesday".