Rick Flag: This is the deal: You disobey me, you die. You try to escape, you die. You irritate or vex me... and guess what? You die. Harley Quinn: I'm known for being quite vexing. I'm just forewarning you. Rick Flag: Lady, shut up! [Harley pouts]

The Joker: I love this guy. He's so intense! Monster T: Mmm, you're a lucky man. You got a bad bitch. The Joker: Oh, that she is. The fire in my loins. The itch in my crotch. The one, the only, the infamous Harley Quinn! [whistles for Harley] The Joker: Ooh, come to daddy. Harley Quinn: Puddin! The Joker: Listen, you are my gift to this handsome hunka hunka! You belong to him now. Harley Quinn: Well... [barks and laughs] Harley Quinn: You're cute! You want me? I'm all yours. Monster T: I don't want no beef. The Joker: You don't want no beef? [mocking] The Joker: Don't want no beef? Don't want no beef? Harley Quinn: Why, what's wrong? You don't like me? Fine! Don't waste my time then. Monster T: This is your lady. The Joker: Look, are you enjoying yourself? Monster T: No. That's your lady, Joker. The Joker: That's right!

Harley Quinn: You got all dressed up for me? The Joker: You know I'd do anything for you. By the way, I've got some grape soda on ice and a bear skin rug waiting. Frost: Boss, we got a problem! [the Joker's helicopter is struck by a missile] The Joker: Huh? This bird is baked. Okay honey, it's me and you. Harley Quinn: Let's do it!

Griggs: Stay back. If she moves, fire her up. All right? [to Harley] Griggs: You gonna come down from there or what? [Harley laughs] Griggs: Oh yeah, look at you. You know the rules, hotness. You got to keep off of these bars. Harley Quinn: What, these bars? Griggs: Yeah, those bars. [Harley licks the bar] Griggs: Oh, my God. You are really in bad shape upstairs, lady. Harley Quinn: Gonna come in here and tell me that? Or are you too scared? Come on, I'm bored. I'm bored. Play with me! Griggs: You put five of my guards in the hospital, honey. No one's gonna play with you. You sleep on the ground. Harley Quinn: I sleep where I want, when I want, with who I want. Griggs: Oh man, I love you. [on radio] Griggs: Alpha-1, hit her!

[Sees that Joker is about to drive off the railing, into the river] Harley Quinn: Puddin'? [Hysterically panicking as the car goes into to the water] Harley Quinn: Puddin', I can't swim!

Captain Boomerang: [to Diablo] And the kids? Harley Quinn: He killed them. Didn't you? [pauses] Harley Quinn: Own that shit. Own it! What'd you think was gonna happen? Huh? Deadshot: Hey, Harley. Come on. Harley Quinn: What, you were just thinking you can have a happy family and coach little leagues, and make car payments? Normal is a setting on the dryer. People like us, we don't get normal! Captain Boomerang: [yelling] Why is it always a knife fight every single time you open your mouth? You know, outside you're amazing. But inside, you're ugly. Harley Quinn: We all are. We all are! [looks at Killer Croc] Harley Quinn: Except for him. He's ugly on the outside, too. Killer Croc: Not me, shorty. I'm beautiful. Harley Quinn: Yeah, you are.

Harley Quinn: I'm not much of a joiner, but maybe we should. Deadshot: Hey! She's trying to take over the world. Harley Quinn: So? What's the world ever done for us, anyway? It hates us! Deadshot: Hey, Harley! Harley Quinn: [approaches Enchantress] Hey, lady? Um, I lost my Puddin'. But you can get him back, right?

Enchantress: I've been waiting for you all night. Step out of the shadows. I won't bite. Harley Quinn: Huh. [Harley starts to walk to Enchantress] Rick Flag: What the hell? Grab her! [Deadshot grabs Harley] Enchantress: Why are you here? Because the soldier led you? And all for Waller. Why do you serve those who cage you? I am your ally. And I know what you want. Exactly what you want.

Harley Quinn: Wee! Griggs: Listen, you're being transferred. I don't know where you're going. [hands Harley a phone] Griggs: It's from Mr. J. You gonna tell him I took care of you? Harley Quinn: You're so screwed! [laughs] Griggs: What do you mean by that? What do you mean by that? Harley, what do you mean by that? Harley!

Harley Quinn: Japanese, female, mid-20s, 5'5", good health, athletic, and an only child. With deep-seated father issues. Daddy wanted a son, so she has to hide behind a mask. Katana: [removes mask] I am not hiding. Harley Quinn: Now, that was gangster!

Deadshot: Harley, why don't you stop acting like a drunken stripper? Harley Quinn: You wanna tell me what the hell is going on, then? Because... [sniffs] Harley Quinn: I smell a rat. Deadshot: If they don't blow our heads off, we'll have to fight our way out of this city. I need you to play nice with the other children. Harley Quinn: And quietly return to my cage. Sure, okay. Hey, it's okay sell-out. I get it. I get it. I know how the world works, okay? And when it comes to the heart, everyone for themselves. Right?

Harley Quinn: Puddin'! [kisses the Joker] Harley Quinn: You got all dressed up for me? The Joker: Oh, you know I'd do anything for you. By the way, I've got some grape soda on ice and a bear skin rug waiting.

Harley Quinn: [reaction to seeing Waller] No way. Rick Flag: Let's go home. Captain Boomerang: Yeah, let's go home. That sounds good. You guys wanna go home? Hmm? Or you wanna go back to prison? Harley Quinn: I'm not going back to prison. Captain Boomerang: What I'm saying is we kill the pair of them now before they kill us. Amanda Waller: [holds Katana back] I got this. You all made it this far. Don't get high-spirited on me and ruin a good thing. Killer Croc: I like her.

Harley Quinn: I lost my Puddin'. But you can get him back, right? Enchantress: I can, my dear. Anything you want. Harley Quinn: You promise? Enchantress: Yes, child. You need only bow and serve beneath my feet. Harley Quinn: I like what you're selling, lady. There's just one teeny problem. You messed with my friends!

Killer Croc: [to everyone] Y'all don't mind, I got me a sewer to crawl back into. Deadshot: Yeah, and I got some business to handle back in Gotham. Harley Quinn: I'm going to hotwire a car. Need a ride? Deadshot: Your ass is not driving.

[Mercy is watching Harley Quinn, on TV, being tossed into a padded wagon in a straightjacket] Harley Quinn: I want a lawyer! I want a doctor! I want a cheese sandwich! Mercy Graves: Now that's funny! Ha, ha, ha!

Lex Luthor: [grabs Joker] You maniac! You idiot! How dare you use one of my laboratories for your...? Joker: Harley? [Harley somersaults out and strikes a ridiculous fighting stance] Harley Quinn: Put him down, baldy! Lex Luthor: Mercy? [Mercy slams a flying kick into Harley] Mercy Graves: Here's for that punch in the face! Joker: [to Luthor] Can't we discuss this like gentlemen? [Luthor reluctantly releases Joker, while sounds of fighting continue in the background] Harley Quinn: Ooh, listen to Little Miss Can't-Take-A-Joke! [as Joker guides Luthor to a chair, Mercy goes flying across the room] Joker: Thank you. Have a seat, please. [as they sit, Harley charges across the room] Harley Quinn: BANZAI!

[as Luthor and Joker finish their discussion, Mercy and Harley are still pounding each other's heads on the floor] Lex Luthor: Mercy, let's go! [to Joker] Lex Luthor: Keep in mind, this is your last chance. [He walks out. Mercy limps after him, groaning. Harley limps over to Joker, also groaning] Joker: How you doin', slugger? Harley Quinn: A-okay, Mr. J! [He pats her on the shoulder. She collapses]

Harley Quinn: [as she's being wrapped in a straight jacket and being loaded into a police van] I want a lawyer!, I want a doctor!, I want a cheese sandwich!

[Harley tries to break into the Joker's cell] The Joker: [taps his cell walls] Sorry, hun. Bulletproof. Harley Quinn: Even better, puddin'. [She fires through an air hole of the cell. Joker ducks as the bullet ricochets wildly around the walls]

[Deadshot finds Harley in his bed] Deadshot: What do you want? Harley Quinn: I got an itch I thought you could help me scratch, cowboy... [Angry, Deadshot throws her down on the bed and pins her arms above her head] Harley Quinn: WHOO! Good start! Deadshot: Oh, what the hell... [He starts making out with Harley. She wraps her legs around him and they both tumble off the bed with a crash... ] Harley Quinn: Yahtzee!

[Joker bursts from the door, to see Batman hanging above a tank filled with piranas] The Joker: HARLEY! Harley Quinn: Hi, Puddin'! You're just in time to see the... [Joker slaps Harley across the room, then turns to Batman] The Joker: Excuse me just a minute. Harley Quinn: But Puddin', I-I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman? The Joker: Only if I do it, idiot! Harley Quinn: But it's still your plan, see? [shows him his blueprints] Harley Quinn: Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles. Now it all works! [Joker grabs the blueprints and tears them up] The Joker: Except you had to *explain* it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! [He advances on Harley, growling. Nervously, she grabs hold of a swordfish] Harley Quinn: Now calm down, Puddin'... The Joker: You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy... [grabs the swordfish out of her hands] The Joker: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE! [Joker whacks Harley with the swordfish, sending her crashing out the window and plunging down several stories to land in a pile of garbage, apparently dead] The Joker: And don't call me Puddin'.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [last lines, as a heavily bandaged Harleen is taken into Arkham Assylum] Never again. No more obsession, no more craziness, no more Joker. I finally see that slime for what he is: a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable... [she turns her head to see a rose on her bedside table with a note attatched saying "Feel better soon. - J."] Harley Quinn: ...angel!

Harley Quinn: You know, for what it's worth, I actually enjoyed some of our romps, but there comes a time when a gal wants more. And now, all this gal wants is to settle down with her lovin' sweetheart. Batman: You, and the Joker? Harley Quinn: Right-a-rooney. [Batman laughs] Harley Quinn: I've never seen you laugh before! I don't think I like it! [Batman laughs even harder] Harley Quinn: Cut it out! You're giving me the creeps! Batman: You little fool. The Joker doesn't love anything except himself. Wake up, Harleen. He had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham. Harley Quinn: That's not - no. NO! He told me things, secret things that he never told anyone! Batman: Was it his line about the abusive father? Or the one about the runaway mom. He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one. Harley Quinn: Stop it! You're making me confused! Batman: What was it he told that one parole officer... Oh yeah, "There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy. He took me to the Ice Show when I was seven." Harley Quinn: [softly] Circus... He said it was the Circus. Batman: He's got a million of them, Harley. Harley Quinn: [wiping away her tears] YOU'RE WRONG! MY PUDDIN' DOES LOVE ME! HE DOES! You're the problem! And now you're gonna die and make everything right!

Harley Quinn: Face it, Harl, this stinks! You're a certified nutso wanted in twelve states and hopelessly in love with a psychopathic clown. At wait point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?... Batman, that's who. Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun! Coming between me and my Puddin' from the very beginning...

Harley Quinn: You thought I was just another bubble-headed blond bimbo! Well, the joke's on you, 'cause I'm not even a real blonde.

[fleeing the city] Harley Quinn: But what about all our friends? Ivy and Two-Face and... Hat Guy and Lizard Man and Puppet Head and... The Joker: What about them? Batman: Don't forget your little pets! Harley Quinn: [gasp] The babies! We can't leave the babies! The Joker: I'll buy you a goldfish. Let's go!

[Batman has released Harley Quinn from Arkham to help him find the Joker. While they are riding along in the Batmobile:] Harley Quinn: [reaches for the dashboard] I want to listen to the radio! Batman: Don't! [She pushes a button, and a drag chute deploys from the Batmobile's rear, causing the car to swerve wildly, until Batman brakes to a stop] Harley Quinn: Oops. Batman: Listen, and listen good. You don't touch anything, say anything, or *do* anything unless I tell you! GOT IT? Harley Quinn: [small voice] Yes, sir.

[after Harley ties up Batman and Robin with a cable gun stolen from the Batmobile] Harley Quinn: Gee, it's amazing the things you find in people's glove compartments.

Harley Quinn: Oh, the irony of it! The stalwart Dark Knight and his greatest female adversary, working together to save the city! [She takes Batman's hand and raises it into the air with hers - cut to her hands, handcuffed in her lap, as she rides shotgun in the Batmobile] Harley Quinn: I sense a lack of trust.

Harley Quinn: Did you see the way I handled those creeps? Pow! Bam! Batgirl, eat your heart out! Robin: What was she before she went bonkers? Batman: A clinical psychiatrist. Robin: Figures.

Harley Quinn: Gee, boss, you really know how to put the fun in funeral.

[Harvey Bullock looks suspiciously at a lawyer] Detective Harvey Bullock: Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? Harley Quinn: I believe I served you with a subpoena once... It was a small subpoena.

The Joker: You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sidney. No body. No Batus delecti, if you will. We need to pull a job tonight to be sure. Murphy: Be sure of what, boss? The Joker: [doing a double-take at Murphy] Why that old Batsy's bought the cave, of course. And one more thing, Murphy... don't ask stupid questions. [Joker pushes Murphy into the midst of Harley Quinn's two hyenas, who claw off his shirt and lick him silly] Harley Quinn: I'll get the mop.

Harley Quinn: [covered in jewels] Whheee! Look at all the pretties! The Joker: Put them back, Harley. Harley Quinn: Awww, you're such a kidder, Mr J. You never could... The Joker: [grabbing Harley in a chokehold] I said put them back! [tosses her across the room] Harley Quinn: [shocked] S-s-sure, boss. I can do that. This is me putting them back. No problemo...

Harley Quinn: I remember I used to go driving like this with Mr. J... Poison Ivy: [mockingly] "Mr. J., Mr. J.!" Oh, change the record, Harl!

[a trio of Frat boys pull up alongside Harley and Ivy, and make some lewd comments] Poison Ivy: Now boys, didn't your mommies teach you that's not the way to get a lady's attention? Frat Boy: [slaps his butt] And what are you gonna do, spank me? Harley Quinn: That's right, pigs! [raises a grenade gun] Harley Quinn: And here's the paddle! [yelling, the boys leap out of their car and run just before Harley blows it to pieces]

[as Harley prepares to steal the "Harlequin Diamond"] Harley Quinn: Ooh-ooh, Mr. J is gonna plotz when he sees this...! No. No, I'm keeping this one just for myself... maybe.

[last lines; everyone is back in Arkham] The Joker: That's it. The next time I start a gang, no women. YOU HEAR ME? NO WOMEN! [outside, Harley and Ivy are tending the vegetable patch] Harley Quinn: I think we can still work it out, don't you? [Ivy flings a handful of soil in her face]

The Joker: So, after that, we're home free. Our friend in tights takes the bait, and after we lure him in, we string him up and drop him in the drink! Ha-ha-ha...! Any questions? Thug: Yeah, well boss... me and some of the other guys were thinking, since we're fighting the Bat and all that, maybe we're not getting paid as much as we should. I mean, when I was working for the Penguin, we was getting benefits and a 401-k... [Harley charges out of the shadows and hits him over the head with a mallet] Harley Quinn: Well, now you're working for Mr. J, you chowderhead. You'll do what he says, and take what he gives, and hope it is not - A BULLET! The Joker: Baby, you're the best!

Harley Quinn: You rotten little scamps! I struggle to make a good home for you and this is the thanks I get! [whacks both Dee Dee's with her cane] Harley Quinn: Break a grandmother's heart! I hope they throw the book at you! Dee Dee: Oh, shut up, Nana Harley.

The Joker: [after defeating Batman] Now, where was I before I was so rudely... Harley Quinn: [Coming in] Pumped full o' lead? The Joker: [Turns around and sees an alternate Harley Quinn] Harley? Harley Quinn: Har*leen*. A little bird told me some creep was dressed up as The Joker, fighting a Batman wannabe. You got the look, and a lot of nerve. What you don't have is the right. [Nudges The Joker] Harley Quinn: The Joker was a hero, you're not fit to lick his boutonniere. The Joker: Harley, it's me. I'm The Joker. Look. it says so right here on my underwear. [Looks at his pants and Harleen fires a shot next to The Joker] Harley Quinn: Not funny, creep. No one pretends to be my Mr. J.

Catwoman: You're brave, kid, but you need to learn to choose your battles. Batgirl: I don't know if I would you use the word "choose". Harley Quinn: Then you shoulda run. Batgirl: Not my style. Catwoman: Is being dead your style? Batgirl: I don't know. I've already died once - it didn't stop me.

Harley Quinn: Coming through, B-Man. [Approaches Batman who shoves Harley to the ground] Joker Thug: Let the lady go, Bat-freak. Or all these people get a bullet in their heads. Harley Quinn: [Getting up] I think you should do what he says. It'll be a shame to get blood all over my nice new outfit. What do you think, Bat-brain, like it? What am I kidding, of course you do, who wouldn't? So anyway, here's the deal, Mr. J is really not up for a visit right now, he's not feeling himself. Well he was earlier, but that's not what I meant. He's not doing so good and that idiot doctor I sent from here didn't help. I've seen more smarts from *these* bozos. I've gotta run, boys. If he tries anything funny, kill him!

Harley Quinn: I'm having a BAD DAY! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, run me over or blow me up!

Harley Quinn: I got one question. I've been nothing but trouble. How come you've been so nice to me? Batman: I know what it's like to try to rebuild a life. [He holds up a bag, and gives her the dress she wanted to buy, before getting in so much trouble] Batman: I had a bad day too, once. [Ecstatically, she takes the dress, then stands on tiptoe to kiss his cheek] Harley Quinn: Nice guys like you shouldn't have bad days.

Dr. Joan Leland: You've made wonderful progress, Harley. You've passed your competency hearing, and tomorrow, you will be released, mentally sane and sound. Harley Quinn: [Begins jumping up and down] Weee! Wahoo! Whoopee! Yay! Yay! Yay! [Regains composure] Harley Quinn: Uh... I mean thank you, Dr. Leland. Dr. Joan Leland: That's ok. You have every reason to be proud of yourself. The Scarecrow: [shouting off screen] Unhand me! Dr. Joan Leland: I just wish the other inmates could make your sort of progress. [Batman and Robin are seen bringing in the Scarecrow] The Scarecrow: I am the master of fear! The lord of despair! Cower before me in witless deter! Harley Quinn: Hi, Professor Crane. The Scarecrow: [Completely calm] Good evening, child. [to Batman and Robin] The Scarecrow: Worship me, fools! Worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible god of fear! [the orderlies come to take him away] Robin: I think he's getting better.

The Joker: If this lunch meat figured out where we are, Batman won't be far behind. And why spoil my sharky's appetite, when I can feed him bigger fish? Harley Quinn: Eyugh! Again with the fish, I *hate* fish! [off Joker's glare] Harley Quinn: Uh, no offense, Mr. J. The Joker: Poor Harley. This entire caper's been really rough on you, hasn't it? Harley Quinn: Uh-huh. The Joker: Cheer up! You can be my very own little mermaid. [Harley squeals with joy, then Joker pulls a giant rubber fish head over her, and laughs] Harley Quinn: You're really sick, you know that, boss? The Joker: Mmm-hmmm.

[on TV Harley stands in the kitchen wearing a "kiss the cook" apron. The Joker's men are made up as young children] Harley Quinn: They're finny and funny and oh so delish. They're joyful and jolly. Jokerfish! The Joker: Say, Mom, wondering what to feed the family tonight? Harley Quinn: What'll I feed the family tonight? [the Joker enters wearing a raincoat and hat. He looks like an old sea captain] The Joker: Arr! Try me famous Joker fish. There's Smiling Smelt, Giggling Grouper and Happy Haddock. Alfred Pennyworth: [Watching with Batman] This could cause a stampede to pork. The Joker: [He holds up a fork with a morsel of fish to Harley's mouth] Yummy yum yum. Eat it! Harley Quinn: Uh, Mr. J? I have this little problem with fish. [he shoves the food into her mouth] Harley Quinn: [With her mouth full] Yummy yum yum. [Harley steps offscreen. The Joker turns to face the camera] The Joker: Yes, friends, that's Jokerfish. [Harley is heard puking up the fish] The Joker: Tasty, tempting, and of course... Joker's Men: Naturally low in cholesterol. The Joker: Coming to your local store. [He begins to grow angry] The Joker: As soon as that nasty Mr. G. Carl Francis decides to give me my legal cut of the profits!

Harley Quinn: It's Late Night Gotham Live, and here's the man who puts a smile on your face whether you want it or not, The Joker! The Joker: Good evening folks, I'm The Joker: living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show, but it helps! Ha ha!

[Harley switches on the machine, sending Catwoman on a conveyor belt toward a meat grinder, then runs for the door. Batman swoops down and grabs her] Harley Quinn: Gee, Batman, what are you gonna do? Kick me around or save your kitty? You've only got time for one. [Without letting go of her, Batman turns to the wall, opens the electric panel, and throws the master switch. The machine stops] Harley Quinn: [weakly] Heh heh... good call. Help!

Harley Quinn: I just wanna say, if there was no Batman, there'd be no Joker, and I'd have never met my Puddin'. Thank you, Batman. [Batman glares at her] D.A. Janet Van Dorn: Sad, isn't it. Harleen Quinzel was a doctor here at Arkham until the Joker twisted her mind. Harley Quinn: Ha! You're just jealous because you don't have a fella who's as lovin' and loyal to you as my Puddin' is to me! D.A. Janet Van Dorn: Ah-ha. And I suppose it was that same "loyalty" I saw the last time you escaped and "Puddin'" here... [points to the Joker] D.A. Janet Van Dorn: ...finked on you in hopes of getting time off! Harley Quinn: Is that true, Puddin'? The Joker: [sheepishly] "Finked" is such an ugly word... Harley Quinn: [grabs the Joker and starts shaking him] You lousy, scum sucking creep! The Joker: The witness is excused!

Scarface: Court is now in session! The Good People of Arkham Asylum vs. the self-righteous vigilante called Batman! Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury! The Mad Hatter: Hang him! Harley Quinn: Shoot him! Killer Croc: Hit him with a rock! Scarface: And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker! The Joker: [bangs gavel] Guilty! D.A. Janet Van Dorn: I was promised a chance to defend my client! The Joker: Oh, very well. Like it'll make a difference.

[first lines] Harley Quinn: I'm depressed, Red. Here it is holiday time and we're hiding out in this dingy rat trap. No presents, no fun, no nothin'. Can't we at least get a Christmas tree? Poison Ivy: What? And support the mad campaign of botanical genocide that grips this country every December? Harley Quinn: But Christmas trees are so bright and fun and pretty. Oh, please? Please? Please? Please?

Batman: Harley, where's Joker? Harley Quinn: After all these years, you still think I'd give up Mr. J? Batman: Why not? He gave you up. Harley Quinn: That was a long time ago. He's changed. We've been to couples counseling. Batman: I'm talking about right now. Or haven't you been watching the show?