86

54

84.0

85.7

84.0

.607

.587

93.4%

6.6%

100.0%

0.0%

0.1%

The Nationals have officially shut down Stephen Strasburg. Other things the Nationals have shut down: the vending machine in the visitor's clubhouse, the right-field grandstand's janitorial staff, and the Teddy Roosevelt. Turns out he has a strained neck from carrying around that giant head.

2

84

57

79.4

77.8

75.3

.561

.541

99.5%

0.5%

100.0%

0.0%

0.0%

I wouldn't know for sure, but losing to a team that is 11-50 since the start of July must involve a fair bit of self-loathing.

3

83

57

81.5

85.3

84.3

.597

.616

88.7%

10.9%

99.6%

-0.1%

-0.3%

I don't want to name any names but it's never good when the starting pitcher gives up as many home runs as innings he pitched. coughROYOSWALTcough

4

81

60

80.4

79.1

78.8

.566

.546

6.6%

92.6%

99.2%

0.2%

10.2%

The Braves walked seven times against Mets pitching Sunday, including two in the 10th to help push the eventual winning run to third base. New Yorkers are always so quick to provide help!

5

79

61

79.6

79.8

80.8

.570

.590

70.7%

16.6%

87.3%

1.3%

-8.5%

Joba Chamberlain faced six batters and struck out four of them. Though, to be fair, one of them was Mark Reynolds, who struck out while still in the on-deck circle.

6

79

60

78.6

75.6

76.2

.556

.576

6.5%

64.7%

71.2%

8.4%

-9.0%

The last four A's series have gone like this: swept, got swept, swept, swept.

7

79

61

74.7

73.1

72.2

.534

.514

95.1%

2.1%

97.2%

1.3%

1.7%

The moon will crash into the stars and then pinball around from star to star leaving a fantastic trail of rainbowed light behind it. Also Barry Zito threw 6 1/3 innings of shutout baseball.

8

78

62

66.9

65.0

66.8

.494

.514

9.9%

19.5%

29.4%

-15.2%

3.5%

Shocking though it may be, the team with Nate McClouth leading off and in left field and Wilson Betemit DHing lost to the team with the highest payroll in the major leagues. Hard to see that coming, I know.

9

77

63

79.8

80.5

81.9

.570

.589

19.4%

35.2%

54.6%

6.5%

2.0%

James Shields threw a two-hit shutout. If the Rays have discovered the centuries-old secrets to pitching it would be gentlemanly of them to share them.

67

74

68.1

64.5

66.1

.471

.491

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

66

75

65.2

65.9

64.9

.465

.445

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

When the Padres wear their camouflaged uniforms, they're record is Yuck-Eww.

21

65

75

65.7

69.0

70.7

.483

.463

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

David Wright left five runners on base because A) he's lazy and didn't feel like picking them up, B) his skills have deteriorated over the past day, or C) that's just how the cookie crumbles, son.

22

64

75

65.3

62.1

63.9

.459

.479

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Contrary to popular belief, Omar Vizquel is not, in fact, ageless. He is quite old.

23

63

78

60.7

62.5

63.4

.443

.423

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Homer Alert! City of Philadelphia: the Giancarlo Stanton Homer Barrage is coming. FEMA recommends you take potable water and pasteurized processed cheese food and/or pork-flavored snack foods and take cover underground during the hours following 7 p.m.

24

63

78

68.6

71.0

71.1

.485

.505

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

The Red Sox are 1-11 in their last 12 games. At this point, setting them on fire and floating them out to sea like a Viking funeral seems appropriate.

63

77

64.4

61.3

61.3

.446

.466

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

59

81

53.3

58.3

59.1

.410

.430

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

After last season's sub-.300 OBP and subsequent ban to Triple-A, Matt LaPorta's slash line this season (.161/.212/.161) isn't doing anyone but the opposing pitchers any favors.

27

58

82

60.3

62.3

62.2

.434

.453

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Ya know, when Justin Morneau homers twice and Joe Mauer goes 3-for-5 with two extra-base hits, the Twins aren't all that bad.

28

56

83

60.3

57.0

56.8

.414

.394

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

The way Coors Field is playing this year, for the Rockies, coming to Citizens Bank Park in Philly must be like when you first got to college and realized that your life doesn't have to be just like your crazy parents'.

29

54

86

56.7

53.1

53.5

.388

.369

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

Normally you'd think, what are these guys doing sweeping the Pirates?! Are they trying to kill their draft position? But it's the Cubs, so you know, yes, of course they are.

30

44

96

48.9

49.4

49.5

.342

.325

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

0.0%

The Astros are so bad that they're not worthy of me finishing this joke.

Ha! Thanks for commenting, Mike. To me the thing is this: on the field the Astros are a mess (congrats on the 2-of-3-vs-Cin thing though), but in the front office and now with Kevin Goldstein in the scouting department, I'm not sure there's an organization I'm higher on.