Our Nation’s Keepers

Today is California’s primary election for 2014, including on its ballot a surreal motley of aspirational elects and quaint jesters. You’ll find the indispensable republican businessmen competing for Governor against such hopefuls as a poet, a golf course operator, a ‘psychologist/farmer,’ and a security guard.

The following quotes have been copied verbatim from the list of priorities submitted to elections officials by the candidates:

“Restore Regular Implementation of the Death Penalty in California.”

“Protect constitutional rights of citizens from government abuse.”

“Assure clean elections in CA.”

“Bring back to CA water supplies wrongfully taken by EPA”

“I propose to fund these without raising State income or sales taxes.”

“My family first settled in the late 1800s […]”

“I AM MARRIED WITH 6 GROWN CHILDREN AND 2 GROWN STEP DAUGHTERS. I HAVE 6 GRAND CHILDREN AND I LOVE THEM ALL.”

“Modernize the available services.”

“Cancelling the Crazy Train”

“Use my trained professional judgement to root out fraud.”

“[…] focus is safety, liquidity, then yield, and transparency in reporting.”

“As an adjunct professor I have prepared Master and Doctoral candidates to take their place in an army of educators who can transform millions of other.”

“One mission. My first bill is my concrete proposals for how we can accomplish that mission.”

“Because investing in human potential will grow the middle class, attract advanced manufacturing, spawn invention and research and medical breakthroughs that will cure disease and reduce mental illness and lower crime.”

(This post is a nod to the not-so-fictional voting scene in Moko & Loupe. I voted for the poet.)

About Quinn Comendant

Mr. Comendant joined Kilometer Zero in 2001 and is responsible for identifying and glueing together unnoticed tears in reality. He also operates Strangecode and Wheeled Migration from the safety of metaphorical mountaintops.