Money drives Mzansi

Now they have puppets in newspapers because puppets and journalists are very much alike. Anything is possible, comrades.

Who would have imagined Patrice Motsepe would give away half his moola? He didn’t look in his car’s ashtray and say, “I’ve got no money”, like the rest of us. It’s amazing. Because in politics and life, money is where the buck stops.

Let’s be honest, South African politics is like Khanyi Mbau’s sex drive: it’s driven by money. Hypocritical politicians accuse one another of corruption, but refuse to tell us who funds them. This is bloody ridiculous. It’s like Khulubuse telling Noeleen she’s fat.

The ANC, the friends of Cosatu and the SA Communist Party won’t tell us who funds them. I guess they’ve outsourced this job to City Press.

I mean, how do you get excited about R105 a day for farm workers, but spend R206 million on security what-whats at some old guy’s house?

At that rate, the Nkandla cash could keep a farm worker employed for 5 364 years, including holidays. Madness.

I’m guessing Public Works Minister Thulas Nxesi’s common sense was in the truck with the textbooks.

Apparently the government spent R33 billion on consultants in three years, but still couldn’t find someone to teach the president to adjust his glasses with a different finger.

And the DA is no better.

What’s the difference between the DA and a prostitute? The DA asks fewer questions when it gets cash from strange men.

The DA subscribes to the Tony Yengeni school of corruption. If it’s just a few hundred thousand, then it’s not a bribe.

Now The Zille is having a fight with The New Age, all because of money. Irony is someone with botox fighting The New Age.

Don’t get me wrong, I know people don’t “subscribe” to The New Age – they tender for it.

But that being said, I like The New Age (not as much as City Press, of course). I don’t think it’s biased. Now because of The Zille, when I buy The New Age in a DA area I feel like I am buying porn, and have to sneak it home in a brown paper bag.

We can’t ignore the fact that The New Age is black owned and the DA isn’t. In fact, I am starting to think they have their own version of the ANC Lekgotla, called a Lekgoa.

Comrade Helen needs to be more honest about the middle class nature of her Bantustan: it’s not KwaZulu, it’s KwaZille!

Money is skewing our politics towards the middle class. Ask poor Juju, South Africa’s version of broke. He didn’t realise that being an economic freedom fighter and a skhothane is like being a virgin and a slut.

» Missing is a puppet political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on e.tv