10 Ways To Celebrate Celine Dion’s Birthday

Did you know that today’s a holiday? A holiday more important and sacred than Christmas and Halloween and Easter and National Corndog Day combined? It’s Celine Dion’s birthday! Wondering how to celebrate? Here are 10 ways to pay homage to the greatest singer and human being this world has ever known…

1. Wear sequins. Wear more sequins. Wear all the sequins.

2. Hit up a karaoke bar and sing “My Heart Will Go On.” Give it your all. By the climax you should be sweating and crying and there’s a good chance your bowels will evacuate. Don’t apologize. Hit that last note. Then throw the microphone on the floor and get the hell out of there.

3. Strike up a flirtation with a man 30 years older than you.

4. Marry him.

5. Carry around a fan with you all day and hold it out in front of you so your hair flows dramatically in the wind.

6. Every time you say the word “love,” pronounce it like this: “luuuurve.”