The addled mind of a writer, unedited

Menu

A Little Too Late

The world has a terrible tendency to gift me with EVERYTHING I need, once I no longer need it. Seriously, this is no exaggeration.

A couple of quick examples from the past month alone:

I win $250 bucks on a scratch ticket the day AFTER $100 worth of checks bounce.

I receive an offer in the mail for a free month supply of Frontline, 2 days AFTER I plunked down $50 for the mega-sized-dog vial.

I received an email reminder about my automatic life insurance withdrawal 3 hours AFTER the withdrawal (triggering the bouncy bouncy previously mentioned)

After deciding I would never again receive the Staples in store purchase coupons, I caved and bought ink. Picked up the mail on the way back, and BINGO, there it was – $20 off an in store purchase of $50. I’d just spent 47.98.

And, inevitably, AFTER I sneeze, someone offers me a tissue.

To emphasize this idea, and because I am a geek, I made a Venn Diagram to illustrate this concept:

Were it not for the one element hanging out in the overlap area, I would surely be insane.

A while back, I was taking my wheelchair-bound Mother on a two state journey every couple of months to see a special neurologist for her rare, you’re-more-likely-to-win-the-lottery disease. Most times, I was lucky and had the aid of a very gracious Aunt, who came complete with a wheelchair accessible van.

So. Much. Gratitude.

Buuuut a couple of times I had to go it alone. Or with a helper that was, well, not so helpful.

One of the worst parts of those excursions was bathroom time. People go to the bathroom several times in any given 8 hour period. More so, when they have bladder problems. Plus, Specialists love lab reports, and urinalyses provide great ones.

So I got in lots of bathroom time. And for those of you that have never helped a fully disabled adult use the restroom, let me assure you, it is an exercise in strength, acrobatics, balance and ewwwww. And sometimes, sitting in a stranger’s pee.

But you can’t let the ew part out. Because the person you are helping feels bad enough already. That is the moment they feel least dignified.

So you are as efficient and thorough as possible, and you try to make light as you go.

But these…

WHYYYYYY weren’t these given to me back when I was facing all that poop that didn’t belong to me?

As a Cottonelle Brand Ambassador I was introduced to these (I bought them myself, but until I was invited to BE a Brand Ambassador I had never heard of them) and I can say they are fantastic. I suspect my kid’s underpants may never bear skid marks again.

But when I think back to some of the more notable bathroom adventures in Boston – the slip ‘n fall, the poo shoe and other delightful memories, and consider how utterly awesome it would be to have had these little beauties back then, I can’t help but wonder –

5 thoughts on “A Little Too Late”

Let me know the next time you don’t need something. I’ll tell you what I don’t need, becase we can swap “don’t needs.” Sometimes, that works. Sometimes. Boy, where to start, the “unhelpful” helper; check. Had batches of those when I was in Fletcher Physical Therapy re-learning to walk and those bitches worked there! I’ll spare you all my other indignities, because I worked in a teaching hospital while in college and I am not embarrassed by anything I leak, ooze, or that escapes my mortal shell in the company of others. I know this is not so for others and I understand their mortification. I do hope your mom understands that the supreme act of love and caring negates all of that. The very fact that you are so concerned and taking her to and for is a wonderful thing and you’ll have poo shoe memories a-plenty “Poo Shoe Gai Pan?” –which you’ve probably heard 8,000 times already. A Cottonnelle Ambassador is nothing to sneeze at, either. I wish I could have been one. I was had to wear diapers for 2 months, because I was so weak in 2010. Yeah, I was wowin’ ’em at the PT center. And the cute guy I had my eye on (am I nuts? 79 lbs, no hair, and shitting my pants) had to help me off the toilet. Am I deluded, or what? P .S. I, being a nerd, have a Venn diagram of my life; who’da thunk it? Great post, from a great woman! xoxox

NEVER got Poo Shoe Gai Pan. That’s awesome. And I hope my mom understands. When she gets upset I ask if she would do it for me, to which she always replies, “of course.” I try to fram it that way so she understand it is done out of love, not guilt or any other thing.

Oh my god, I think you’re my long-lost twin! This is is my life. ALWAYS. It’s a running gag at this point. Apparently I am paying for something I did in a previous life… Like being a dictator, ruthless war lord or serial killer… Whatever it is? OVER it!

It’s a running joke here too, we go under the “clearly I killed puppies and kittens in a former life” assumption. I first noticed it in high school, but since that came and went double digits ago, I can only conclude it is a permanent affliction!