"I mean, yeah," says the cap, "it looks like my wife will have toquit her job just to drive Ike to all his golf tournaments, butthere's no Tiger without Earl, right?"

"Tell me about it!" says the headband. "I'm working three jobsjust to pay for all this stuff--Amber's pilates are killin'me!--but it's all about the kids, man."

"I hear that. Like, Ike's media tutor won't be cheap, but it'llfree up his afternoons for his bunker workshops."

"Hey, you're gonna have expenses," says the headband. "We rippedout the bedrooms upstairs and put in an indoor tennis cage, butwhaddya gonna do? The little girl across the street has a live-involleying partner!"

"God! That's just plain overparenting!"

"Criminal!"

"The wife and I feel that if we put in the hours and the moneynow, Ike will be good enough to go straight to the PGA Tour outof high school and not waste time going to college. Not thatcollege is a bad thing."

"Nah, not really bad," says the headband. "But Amber's careerstrategist thinks she can do Wimbledon by 14. That's what'simportant. Did you see the MLS kid whose parents let him miss agame the other day because of his prom?"

"Sounds like somebody's got their priorities mixed up," says thecap. "I mean, I'm sure Ike will be a little disappointed he'llhave to leave home and move in with the Leadbetters soon, butsome decisions a father has to make for his son."

"I know, I know," says the headband. "I'm a little bummed thatAmber won't get to play lacrosse or basketball or, even, I don'tknow, piano, but how can she do that and put in the 13 hours aday that will give us the level we need?"

"She needs."

"She needs, right."

"Hey, I only wish my dad had done this for me," says the cap.

"Hell, yeah!" says the headband. "I know this dad who's renting ahouse on a lake this summer. Says he and the family are justgonna fish and skip stones!"

"What a waste of time!"

"I mean, what are you gonna do with your kid for two weeks on alake? I wouldn't know what to say to Amber for two weeks!"

"Most summers from now on, Ike will be playing the mini Asiantours, to build up his tolerance for travel and foreign foods.He'll need it when he gets his Gulfstream IV."

There's a pause.

"Which one's yours, anyway?" says the cap.

"The little one in the pink diaper near the incubator," says theheadband.

"Beautiful. Mine's in the blue. With the nurse and the bottle."

"Got creatine?"

"Hey, it's never too early to start, am I right?"

COLOR PHOTO: DANA FINEMAN/SYGMA

"My wife will have to quit her job to drive Ike to all his golftournaments, but there's no Tiger without Earl, right?"