Monday, June 19, 2006

i'm trouble y'all

Schure. Drive around in a car with the word "Massengill" splashed across the windshield. Just GIVE people a legit reason to call you a big douche, why don't cha?

A couple weeks ago, I had a long conversation with the offspring about getting in shape.Four of them come home with those oh, so sensitive "your child is a fattie fattie bo ba lattie" notes from the school nurse this spring.I told them that I wanted them to do aerobic exercise and lift weights. I'm thinking if theycarry me to my Hoveround more often, that ought to cover the weight lifting.Doing more of my housework while I LIE or LAY on the couch watchingtv and chainsmoking, would cover their cardiovascular/aerobic workout.At first I didn't think my lecture made much of a difference. Lord only knows why.I try to set a good example by telling them to do what I say, not what I do.I was particularly thrilled when they came to me yesterday asking for jump ropes. Finally. They'd gotten the message.I pictured their pudgy little faces red with exertion as they huffed, puffed and sweated their way to better health. God love 'em. I'd never do it.But now that I'm looking out the back window and seeing three of my smaller offspring tied to the Oak tree,I'm thinking maybe this wasn't about exercise after all.However it IS amazingly quiet. Hmmm. Maybe *I* need to invest in more jump ropes and trees....

I stopped at a health fair the senior citizens center--shaddup--was sponsoring at the mall and they were handing out free gun locks!!!Guns and senior citizens. Sounds like a great combo to me because you always want togive loaded weapons to people who can't see or hear well...

16 to be exact. Not really. I'm hep to who fathered my offspring. Well, ok maybe there are a COUPLE of my baby daddies that I'm not 100% sure of, but I slapped 'em with child support anyway!BTW, I know our kids are getting chubbier, but I love the way that shirt comes in sizes up to FIVE XL!Damn, that is one big offspring.

I was watching Play Misty For Me yesterday afternoon.Now that Evelyn Draper chick had a good, sensible head on her shoulders, didn't she?As did that Alex Forrest chick in Fatal Attraction. And they're both much better role models than that idiot Barbie. Hell, that bitch can't even settle on one career...