With so many different types of parenting out there in the world, not to mention different upbringings, cultural beliefs, and personalities, no two–or single–parents raise their children in the same way. And honestly, what works for one child may not work for the next, even in the same family. So there's no real way to know if you're doing what's best for your child–there's no “do X,Y,Z and then you will raise a happy and healthy kid, yay!” You just have to keep trusting your instincts, growing and learning, and hope for the best.

A new phase of parenting begins. For example, just when I started to feel like I've mastered the world of newborns and toddlers, my oldest started school. What the what? A whole new world. And now that I'm feeling recovered from giving birth and getting into a routine with the baby, my two-year-old is acting in out a way I've never encountered. And someday, when my husband and I will finally feel like we've mastered the world with four young kids, they will turn into preteens–and we'll have no clue what we're doing all over again.

I love the newborn phase, I really do. Even though, I generally feel like an oversized blob who will never wear real clothes again, there's nothing I've loved more than soaking up every minute of cuddling with my babies. But, I'll say that when my babies have hit around six or seven weeks and given me those first “real” smiles, my heart has soared–and I realized just how hard it can be to give and give and give as a parent without knowing if they love you back. It's a lesson in realizing that all it takes is one smile and I'm good to go. (Filing away that reminder of when they loved me so much, in my back pocket, for the teen years.)

A good rule of thumb as a parent is to pretty much expect your kids to act the opposite of what you plan on. Going out to dinner and hoping they will behave? They will more than likely pick that night to throw the world's biggest tantrum. Have an important conference call and think you can sneak away for 10 minutes? It will be the only time in their lives when the TV will fail to entice them. It's just the way it goes, my friends.

This one ranks as one of the top offenders, because it really is so hard to deal with. Every parent has felt some sort of parenting guilt, whether you've made the mistake of missing your daughter's letter to Santa in her stocking (sob), hearing a little cry of “Please don't go to work, Mama!”, or escaping to dinner with your spouse only to spend the whole time missing the kids. Parenting guilt is just part of the game and it can be tough to learn how to live with it–without letting it overwhelm you.

Of course, parenting brings us an entirely new side to our identity, but even now, after four kids and six years in the parenting trenches, every now and then I find myself struggling with the question of “who am I?!” It's hard, as a mother, especially, because we're expected to settle naturally and gracefully into our roles as mothers and yet not to be too entirely defined by it. A “good” mom these days still takes time for herself and remembers to exercise and go on date nights and doesn't let having kids ruin all her fun. But let's face it–doing all of that for ourselves takes work too, so finding time to figure out who we are–with, and without kids–isn't always easy, either.

Tell us what you think!

5 comments

I so agree with nicole! You are so right on the money. But I think if you do your best somehow things will work out in the end. I know my parents made mistakes with me and my brother. But I also have many many fond childhood memories that my parents help make. My husband does as well and we are trying our best to do the same for our boys. I want them to be able to say Yah my parents may have made mistakes raising us but we have so many good memories too. To me that’s what’s important. My kids can look back when their adults and remember the good times and pass that on when raising their own children. And hope when they are out of the house and grown they still come around to hang out with us.

I think the hardest part is the criticism. No matter what you do or say, SOMEONE is telling you that you are all wrong. You breastfeed, you are obscene. You use formula, you are lazy. You use timeouts, you are raising a privileged brat. You smack their hand away from something dangerous, you are abusive. No matter how happy and well-adjusted your children are, someone is always telling you that you are an awful parent.

Parenting is hard. Always trying to do your best and feeling like you come up short in some way each day. Talking about how difficult it is does not take anything away from the fact that I love, adore, live and breathe my children and would not have a single regret if everything else fell to the wayside for them.

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