Kagan Hearings Are Boring for a Reason

So here's a highlight from the Kagan hearing. And by "highlight," I mean "please shoot me in the face."

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. AMY KLOBUCHAR, D-MINN.: Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman. Solicitor General Kagan you did — had an incredibly grueling day yesterday and did incredibly well. But I guess it means you missed the midnight debut of the third "Twilight" movie last night.

We did not miss it in our household and it culminated in three 15-year-old girls sleeping over at 3 a.m. So I have this urge to ask you about the famous —

SUPREME COURT NOMINEE ELENA KAGAN: I didn't see that —

KLOBUCHAR: I just had a feeling.

(LAUGHTER)

KLOBUCHAR: I keep wanting to ask you about the famous case of Edward v. Jacob or the vampire v. the werewolf. But —

KAGAN: I wish you wouldn't.

KLOBUCHAR: I will refrain. I know you can't comment on future cases. So I'll leave that alone.

(LAUGHTER)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

How cute: Two chicks having fun with it. Anyway, the whole affair makes the DMV seem like Internet porn — which is the scary thing, because in life it's the really boring things that get you:

Black mold? Boring, but it will ruin your house.

Mash potatoes? Bland, but look what they do to your figure.

Taxes? No one's done a "I Have a Dream" speech on them, but someone should.

And then there are Supreme Court hearings, which have left most of America in a massive drool-producing nap. And I admit, this crap confuses me and I'm not confused me so easily not.

For example, on Tuesday, Kagan took heat for blocking the Pentagon's recruiters access to Harvard Law students. Her defense? That during the ban, recruitment went up. So actually her stance against the military was not anti-military after all, but pro-military!

This logic makes me wish I was a pony. Ponies don't have to think about this stuff. They think about pony stuff.

Anyway, we know the drill: Senators drone, nominees do their best to say nothing and, in the end, we know nothing too. Which is hilarious when you consider what Kagan said about Harriet Miers a few years back:

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KAGAN: Does anybody know anything about her?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yeah. Um —

(LAUGHTER)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Not much.

(LAUGHTER)

KAGAN: How do you pronounce her name? Is it Meers or Miers?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Miers.

KAGAN: Miers? OK.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: At least that's how everybody else has been pronouncing it.

KAGAN: OK.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And they don't know anything either.

(LAUGHTER)

KAGAN: We don't know much about her views. Honestly, the Republicans have a little bit of, you know, reason to, you know, want to know better who this person is, too.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Interesting, but not so much.

And because this is so boring, we tune out, which is what case law is meant to do. It's not to protect us, but to overcomplicate things so we just shrug and say whatever. And that's when they get you; ambivalence is worse than cyanide.

I mean, I'm even starting to question why I did this Grega-logue.

And if you disagree with me, you're a racist homophobe who never closes his robe.