Parents never intend to separate and go through extended Family Court battles, however that is sometimes what happens if parents cannot agree on the major issues of separation. Two key areas of disagreement are finances and children. These might seem like two quite discrete and separate issues, however they overlap, and when one cannot be resolved, often the other isn't.

​Children feeling 'stuck in the middle' is a real and difficult problem. The middle ground is a fought over space where children, and issues related to them, are often dragged forwards and backwards as one parent tries to have their rights upheld over the other. Sometimes parents' rights become conflated and confused with children's rights and we may ask whether children even have rights or a voice in a Family Court case?

Australia signed the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child in 1990. Article 3 states that the 'best interests of children' must be upheld in all Courts of Law, which is very much aligned to the Family Court Act which seeks to balance protecting children from harm, with having meaningful relationships with both parents. What constitutes the 'best interests of children' however, is highly contested, something that the Convention (Article 9) and the Family Court Act also recognise. Both point to children having a right have their views expressed, however how much weight these views are given can vary according to factors such as age, development, influence by adults, interference by adults and of course by the subjective experience of any professional involved in a case.

There is no magic age that a child can express their views with regards to family separation, with an expectation that the Court will listen. As professionals working in this area, I think we need to pay careful consideration to what children are saying and why. Family therapy may be appropriate, as it is helpful in understanding family dynamics and what may have impacted and informed a child or young person's point of view. I will often ask children what they would like the adults involved in their case (lawyers, magistrates, judges, therapists, parents) to know about them. They invariably say they want someone to listen and understand what they are going through.

The notion of shared care remains a contentious one, as many children tell me they do not want to spend half of their life in two homes, rather that they prefer one primary household. This may be understandable and acceptable to others when relations with one parent have been strained or reunification is in progress, but what about less complex situations? Debates over shared care often occur when children are very young and experiencing separation anxiety, or where older children hold firm views that they do not want two live in a 50/50 shared care situation. This is where battle lines are often drawn by parents, and sadly children can become casualties.

For parents, taking time to understand your child/ren is important. Placing blame on the other parent for influencing a child's views may only serve to push children further away. This might be a dynamic that is occurring, however it may also be your child's legitimate view, so consider allowing a professional to help assess this. It is important to refrain from allowing your child to hear your frustrations about the situation and/or the other parent, as children often react to this by wanting to avoid conflict by minimising contact.

​For professionals, having an Independent Children's Lawyer and a family therapist involved, is often one of the most successful outcomes in gaining a better understanding family dynamics and hearing the voices of children. In terms of the best interests of the child, we need to turn up the volume in hearing children's experiences by engaging the right professionals to help facilitate the delicate balance between parental and child rights.

Despite a recent increase in media attention related to male mental health, rates of male suicide and depression remain far too high. The incidence of male suicide is three times higher than for women, and more young men die from suicide than from motor vehicle accidents. Aboriginal men are at even higher risk of mental health problems and suicide. Men are unfortunately often reluctant to seek help, despite help-seeking being one of the strongest protective factors in the prevention of suicide. Recently male celebrities have been speaking out, encouraging men to talk to someone before feelings overwhelm them. Many of them suggest that we must look to the messages given to boys to help us address poor male mental health.

I love everything about basketball, so I was impressed to read NBL player Kevin Love's story of his recent admission of mental health issues including depression and panic attacks. He talks about the messages he was given as a boy to "Be strong, don't talk about your feelings. Get through it on your own". He was also of the view that mental health problems were happening to other people, certainly not powerful athletes (substitute businessmen, labourers, musicians, academics or anyone other category of work here), not recognising he was one of many men who were struggling. He also talked about needing counselling/therapy to help deal with unresolved grief, as so often under the feelings of depression, are things we have buried, pushed away, or hidden. Helping men come to terms with the realisation that talking about their thoughts and feelings is necessary for positive mental health, is a barrier we are still working to break down.

As I delved online into the stories of men in the public eye who had spoken about their depression, the more I became aware of men who had attempted to bring about change through sharing their personal messages. I am not sure this is enough though, for men to become more open just by hearing stories of others' mental health struggles. Men need people around them who will take the time to ask how they are doing and maybe even to pointedly ask whether talking to a professional would help. It is a difficult conversation for partners, friends or children to have with their fathers, brothers, workmates, partners and friends, as even the question itself can bring up shame, self-doubt and worry. If we don't though, we will never know how we may have been able to help the men we love.

My recommendation is to ask, rather than risk the men in your life feeling no-one noticed, or worse, no-one cared. For the men out there who think they might need help, try sharing that with someone - anyone you trust, or a service online. You have to start somewhere and imagine the relief of sharing the load and letting someone else in. We know that talking things through helps us find a better perspective to break the negative loop our minds can trap us in. I don't think it's too dramatic to say that one good conversation with someone (a professional or someone you can trust) might save your life.

What are normal feelings of sadness, grief, loss or angst, and what is a mood that has become too low, to the point it might be called depression? Many people think the answer might revolve around 'joy', with depression being the absence of joy. The ideas of joy as essential to a happy life, has been in the media a lot lately. I am not sure how much I relate to Marie Kondo's idea of 'sparking joy.' It's quite an abstract idea to wonder whether a jumper or a teapot can give joy. However if you reverse the translation and return to the original Japanese word which is 'Tokimeku', the meaning becomes something like the intangible feeling of joy in the body. I like to think of joy as a little spark between people, or between you and the world. In fact there is research to support 'talk therapy' or counselling as means to help people find that connection. Joy may just be a feeling of yourself in the world, with a place that feels right, where you have a purpose and meaning, even if that meaning is just that you are alive at this moment in time, appreciating that fact. But is joy a little too simple a term when understood as the antithesis of depression?

On the flip side, depression is a word many people avoid and walk around, like it is a black hole they might fall in if they really look closely enough. It is for some, quite a frightening concept, like the vast emptiness of the universe. To be given a label of depression can be depressing in itself, as though you are suddenly painted grey. Many people feel like they must have done something wrong to allow themselves to slip into depression. Maybe they didn't try hard enough, or they didn't avoid the pitfalls they knew might be ahead. Well perhaps it is just too simplistic to lump all of life's experiences into a single, unappealing word like depression. What if instead we looked to the multitude of words that exist in non-English languages to try and describe the pain related to joy or an absence of joy? How about expanding our repertoire of feeling words and exploring feelings such as 'suadade' (melancholic yearning), or 'mono no aware' (the transience of something beautiful). Likewise their joyful opposites, 'forelsket' (the euphoria of love) or 'Yugen' t(he mysterious beauty of the universe). See more gorgeous words here.

It might sound flippant to kick depression to the curb as a simplistic term, but my feeling is that it can sometimes be a limiting term. Life can be damn hard. Our experiences can be tough and it can seem difficult to go on when each day imitates a mountain to climb. I think counselling needs to look into the cracks and crevices of the human experience to look beyond the vista of the mountain and to just breathe for a moment. Smell the air of the mountain, feel it steady and strong, turn our back to the mountain and lean against it and then when you're ready, take a walk a little closer. Those mountains are beautiful, the view from the top may be magnificent, but so is the view from the ridge where you stop and rest along the way. Every step has it's own feeling state, perhaps 'Yugen' sometimes, or 'Friolero' (in special need of blankets and hugs) or 'Querencia' (feeling safe at home) at other times. This doesn't mean depression doesn't exist. You may feel it does and your doctor might also agree. I just like to embrace the idea that other complex feelings can also co-exist within us. We are more than the sum of one word. We feel so much. We are many things and how much richer that is than a signpost with depression on one side and joy on the other.

Deciding to go to counselling can be scary and daunting - after all you will be sharing parts of yourself with a total stranger. Or will you? Never forget that you are in control to share or not share whatever you like about yourself. No counsellor, social worker or psychologist should expect that you share the things we like to keep hidden away, especially on a first session! In fact it is emotionally safer to take the first session just to get to know the each other - and that includes you taking some time to ask the counsellor about themselves and their way of working, so they no longer feel a stranger. After all, counselling is not a one-sided transaction with one person expected to share all and the other nothing.

I'll start by sharing a bit about myself and how I might be on any given day if I saw you for counselling. I may have arrived slightly frazzled after packing several teenagers off to school, with a text message sent to at least one of them to say they have forgotten their lunch, or their Smartrider. I probably tried to cram in replying to too many emails before rushing out the door to work. On my way to work I would have listened to a podcast, either one of the many crime series that started way back with 'Serial' or other classics such as 'Missing Richard Simmons' or counselling related staples such as 'Invisibilia' (about the invisible things that shape human behaviour) or 'All in the mind' (more about our brains and behaviour). I'm sure I'll share more podcasts in future blogs, because they are one of my favourite things to talk about! Arriving at the centre I like to make sure we have music on and that our centre looks warm and inviting. On days that I remember, I will bring some flowers and foliage from my garden because I love bringing the outdoors in.

On meeting you for the first time, I am interested to know why you have come and how you found our centre. Sometimes people come on referral, so I will ask why the health professional/teacher/social worker/GP/Lawyer felt counselling might be something you need and whether you agree with them. You can talk as much or as little as you like, but as we have an hour together, we do need to talk about something! If you feel nervous or unsure, it is ok to talk 'around' the issue. Say something general like "I am not sure how people motivate themselves when they have been depressed" or "I am struggling with how I feel about myself". Sometimes people are not sure what to say, or how to explain what they are feeling and that's ok. Your counsellor is trained to help you explain in your own words what you are going through. It is not your job to keep the conversation going. Your counsellor is probably someone (like me) that loves to meet new people and is genuinely interested in learning more about you, so conversation is never a problem!

So if you feel nervous, we understand. It can be nerve wracking for some people, but we will offer you a cup of tea, a smile, a listening ear and a comfy sofa to relax on. Those nerves that you feel are a sign of change coming. For all of us, change is inevitable and is something we learn and grow from, and counselling aims to help you navigate those changes with you in control and the counsellor there beside you.

And finally, let us know if you are nervous! It helps for us to know and we can take things a little more slowly. We are here for you.