Disappointment

One of the worst feelings in the world is that of disappointment. It really sucks when you look forward to something and it doesn’t work out. It sucks when you count on someone and they let you down. But you know what else sucks a lot? When you disappoint yourself.

If you struggle with any mental health problem, you probably know this feeling all too well. I’ve let my anxiety get in the way of too many things that I want to do. Over the years I realized this, and tried my hardest to overcome it. And many times I have. It’s been hard, and I’ve had too many panic attacks to count…but I’ve done a lot of things afraid – and that makes me proud.

But yesterday I disappointed myself. Someone very important to me is moving away. There was a big goodbye party yesterday, and I was asked to speak about her. I don’t particularly enjoy speaking in front of others, but it’s not something that causes me a great deal of anxiety so, I agreed. Well, within a few minutes of getting there, I started feeling very little headed, dizzy and nauseous. I’m not sure what caused it, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to speak. Even though it passed after a few minutes – it caused me to have a massive panic attack and I knew there was no way I’d be able to form a coherent sentence. I was really disappointed in myself. I knew that I could have just sucked it up and spoke anyway, but my anxiety stopped me.

I went up later and told her what happened, and gave her a copy of my little speech. Of course, she and everyone else, understood – but that’s not the point. I hate giving into my anxiety because I feel like I’m taking one step back when I do. And I’ve come so far.

But after moping for a while, I realized that this is a part of my life, and it’s a reality for me. Sometimes I won’t be able to do everything I want – and sometimes I’m going to disappoint myself and maybe even others. But even when that happens, there will always be other opportunities.
And maybe next time, I will be able to take one step forward instead of one step back.