The Senior Will That Might Get You Kicked Out Of Your Sorority

Senior wills are a big deal. Typically given at either the last chapter or some sort of senior sendoff, it’s a chance for seniors to say their final remarks before graduating and leaving the security blanket we call college for good. A lot of times they can be incredibly sweet, a chance for seniors to shout out sisters who have been especially influential to them during their collegiate careers. But more often than not, they are incredibly dull and forced, with girls feeling obligated to say something nice about people they hardly care about. But what about if you actually gave a no holds bar senior will, if you just said ‘fuck it’ and let loose? What would that even look like? Fear not, I’m about to show you.

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It’s finally that time – senior wills. Anyone that knows me knows that I’ve been eagerly awaiting the opportunity to give my will for the last year or so now. Most of the wills you’ve already heard or will hear have been your typical forced sentimental and overall boring wills.

Fuck. That.

I graduate in two weeks and if our “esteemed” advisors haven’t kicked me out yet, they sure as hell aren’t going to go through all that paperwork now. Let’s cut the bullshit. Sit back, relax, although some of you probably shouldn’t, and prepare to hear the world’s most honest senior will ever. Hopefully we all make it out alive.

To the chapter: I will you a significantly more boring one to three more years in this sorority, depending on your grade. Love me or hate me, I made things interesting and while I know there will be a girl there to pick up where I’ve left off she’ll never be me. I also will you the “No dancing on elevated surfaces” rule. I know I did college right when the sorority has to write a new bylaw specifically because of my actions *hair flip emoji.*

To Exec: I should apologize for all the headaches I’ve caused you and all the meetings we’ve had to have, but I won’t. Mostly, I won’t apologize because all of our meetings have been bullshit and half of you have sticks shoved so far up your ass it’s a wonder you can even walk straight. In the spirit of helping a sister out, I will you all vibrators. Maybe getting (mechanically) fucked on the reg will loosen you all up.

To the advisors: You’ve probably never been so happy to see someone go, am I right? From our first standards meeting when one of you called me classless nine times, you’ve all made your feelings perfectly clear. I wish I cared. I really do. But somehow I can’t find a single fuck to give about the opinion of retired old bitches who are desperately hanging on to their glory days by forcing their outdated opinions on the younger generation. I will you all Xananx because it is the definition of a chill pill, one you all should be taking daily.

To the seniors: I will you all our memories, good and bad. I also will you stories told through rose-colored glasses. For all the problems we’ve had, and there have been A LOT, we still went through it all together and that counts for something. So I promise that any stories I tell postgrad will look at everything from a positive light because honestly, we owe each other that much.

To my PC Best Friends: I will you awkwardly trying to keep in touch for at least a year. After that, the friendships that aren’t meant to be forever will fizzle. Just know that it’s nothing personal. In a squad that’s twelve deep, some friendships are just stronger than others. It doesn’t mean all the memories we shared weren’t great and it doesn’t diminish what we had. Some things just aren’t meant forever.

To my forever friends: I will you me, bitches. Sorry you got the shit end of the stick, but you’re stuck with me forever. We’ve seen some shit together, all of us at our best and all of us at our worst. If we can make it through what we’ve been through then there is nothing that can tear us apart. I can’t wait for one of you to drunkenly recount some inappropriate college story at my rehearsal dinner and singlehandedly almost ruin the wedding making me forever regret putting you in the bridal party. I also can’t wait to return the favor at your wedding. Cheers, cunts. This is ride or die.

To my little: I will you my heart. You are my non-romantic life partner and because I hate getting emotional in crowds, I’m going to tell an embarrassing story about you to keep from crying. Sorry in advance.

To Courtney: I will you the knowledge that I fucked your brother sophomore year. It’s way past the time you found out. I’m also only slightly sorry about it.

To Jessica: I know you hooked up with Tom when we were kind of seeing each other. You knew what you did was wrong. And now, the entire chapter knows too. I will you a painful next two years. Please don’t think that people won’t like you because you’re a slut. Everyone loves sluts. What everyone hates is a bitch who doesn’t respect Girl Code, especially among sisters. Also, go fuck yourself..

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Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live.
email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com