Leviticus: Absurdity

God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals
must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions.
Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal,
kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor
unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

"It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

"The fat that covereth the inwards ... and the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver.... It is ... a sweet savour unto the Lord."
3:3-5

"The fat ... the whole rump ... the inwards ... the two kidneys ... burn it upon the altar:
it is the food of the offering made by fire unto the LORD." 3:9-11

"All the fat is the Lord's."
When you do your burnt offerings, remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." (And he doesn't like to share!) 3:16

"If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through
ignorance?" Don't you have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful?
4:2, 13, 22, 27

"The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the
Lord." 4:6

"And the skin of the bullock, and all his flesh, with his head, and with his legs, and his inwards, and his dung...."
What to do with the fat, kidneys, liver, skin, head, entrails, and dung from your burnt offerings. 4:11-12

"If any one of the common people sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats,
a female without blemish, for his sin which he hath sinned."
If a common person sins through ignorance, then kill a female goat. (More important people must kill male goats.) 4:27-28

"He shall take away all the fat ... and ... burn it upon the altar for a sweet savour unto the LORD." 4:31

"If a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle,
or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty."
If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2

"Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3

"Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good ... he shall be guilty."
If you swear to do something evil or good, you'll be guilty. 5:4

"He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female
will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6

"The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul ... sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD
a ram without blemish."
If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15

"If a soul sin ... though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity."
If you sin against your own will, you are still guilty. 5:17

"Offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them ... and the caul that is above the liver."
7:3

"The priest shall have to himself the skin of the burnt offering."
The priest gets all the skin to himself. Lucky! 7:8

"And all the meat offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan,
and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it."
The priest also gets all the meat in the frying pan. 7:9

"And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have."
And Aaron's sons get all the meat and oil. 7:10

"The flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings for thanksgiving shall be eaten the same day that it is offered;
he shall not leave any of it until the morning."
Be sure to eat all your sacrificed animals the same day that you kill them. Leftovers are not allowed! 7:15

"If any of the flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings be eaten at all on the third day ...
it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrificial animals on the third day after you kill them. That is an abomination to God and he will
never forgive you for it! 7:18

"And the flesh that toucheth any unclean thing shall not be eaten."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrificed animals if they have touched any unclean thing. 7:19

"But the soul that eateth of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings ... having his uncleanness upon him,
even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
Don't eat any sacrificed animals while you have your uncleanness upon you. If you do, you'll be exiled. 7:20

"Moreover the soul that shall touch any unclean thing, as the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any abominable
unclean thing, and eat of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which pertain unto the LORD, even that soul shall be cut off
from his people."
If you touch any unclean thing (like "the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any other abominable unclean thing")
while eating sacrificed animals, you will be exiled. 7:21

"Ye shall eat no manner of fat ... for whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the
LORD ... shall be cut off from his people."
Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or you will be exiled. 7:23-25

"Moreover ye shall eat no manner of blood ... Whatsoever soul it be that eateth any manner of blood,
even that soul shall be cut off from his people." 7:26

"The fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD."
Wave the fat and the breast for "a wave offering before the Lord." 7:30

"And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron's and his sons'." 7:31

"And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering." 7:32

"He among the sons of Aaron, that offereth the blood of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part."
Aaron's sons get the right shoulder from all peace offerings. 7:33

"For the wave breast and the heave shoulder ... a statute for ever."
Be sure to do your wave breast or heave shoulder today. It is a statute
forever. 7:34

"Moses brought Aaron and ... he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:6-7

"The Urim and Thummim"
The Urim and Thummim were like the two sides of a magic coin that could be flipped to to give a yes or no answer to any question.
They were also what Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Mormon. 8:8

Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears,
thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord.
Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord."
8:14-32

"Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar."
8:15

"And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar."
8:16

"But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses."
8:17

"Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot."
8:23

"And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet:
and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24

"And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys,
and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25

"And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27

Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish
God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since
God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know
how many legs they have! 11:23

If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if
your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean.
13:40-41

"The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not
touch." 11:7-8

"Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination."
11:41

"Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or
whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42

"Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43

"She shall be unclean."
Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification.
(And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.) 12:1-5

"If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then
continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4

"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying
threescore and six days."
If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God,
girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:5

"She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are
killed for him. 12:6

"If she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean."
12:8

"And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean." 13:40

"And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean."
13:41

God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the
dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off.
Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe.
Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe.
Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt
offering. 14:2-52

"Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean ...
and the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water." 14:4

"And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean,
and shall let the living bird loose." 14:7

"And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish ...
And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering ... and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD."
14:10-12

"And he shall slay the lamb ... in the holy place: ... it is most holy." 14:13

"And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and ...
put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,
and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:14

"And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil
with his finger seven times before the LORD." 14:16

"And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,
and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering."
14:17

"If he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved ... and two turtledoves,
or two young pigeons ... and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering." 14:21-22

"And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering ... and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:"
14:24

"And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the
trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,
and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:25

"And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD."
14:27

"And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,
and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot,
upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering." 14:28

"And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get." 14:30

"Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering."
14:31

"He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ...
And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ...
and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52

Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a
"running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him
that is clean...." 15:1-15

"Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4

"And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5

"And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6

"And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7

"And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8

"And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9

"And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10

"And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11

"And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water."
15:12

"He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13

"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself,
your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible.
15:16-18, 32

"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16

"And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17

"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water,
and be unclean until the even." 15:18

"And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean."
15:20

"And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even."
15:21

"Whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:22

"And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even."
15:23

"Every bed whereon she lieth ... and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:26

"This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers,
and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean."
15:32-33

God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe,
smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all
the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28

"Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14

"Kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood ... and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat."
16:15

"Take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about."
16:18

"He shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times." 16:19

"Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of
Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the
hand of a fit man into the wilderness. And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities." 16:21-22

Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6

Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them
to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is
apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman.
18:19

"Keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations ... that the land spue not you out also,
when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you." 18:26-28

"Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a
mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19

God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years
after the trees are planted. 19:23

"Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times."
Don't eat anything with blood, or use magic or astrology. 19:26

"Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."
Don't round the corners of your head or beard. 19:27

"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you."
Don't get an tatoos. 19:28

If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), all three
of your must be burned to death. 20:14

Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of
their beard." 21:5

The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for
his mother." 21:11

Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it.
21:16-23

Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God.
21:18

A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God."
21:20

A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from
him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be
clean." 22:3-5

What to do if you eat some holy thing unwittingly. Important stuff that you need to know about. 22:14

God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine
chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell
-- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18

"Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye
shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or
broken, or cut."
God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. Don't
kill any blind , broken, maimed, or scabbed, or female animials for him. 22:19-24

God won't accept animal sacrifices from strangers, since strangers have blemishes and are corrupt. 22:25

Don't kill animals for God until they are at least eight days old. And don't kill mother and her young on the same day. You can kill the
mom on one day and her young on the next. 22:27-28

"Keep my commandments, and do them."
God wants everyone to do all the stuff he's commanded in Leviticus. 22:31

God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8

God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual
stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the
little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send
wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your
sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these
nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41

"And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins."
26:18

"I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21

"I ... will punish you yet (another) seven times for your sins." 26:24

"And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven,
and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied." 26:26

"And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me ... then ... I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins."
26:27-28