All the rose petals, candles, sky-diving, cringing hands-over-face-embarrassment and general buffoonery has led us to tonight, when our Bachelorette finally picks her man on the big finale. And yes, we are sort of un-ironically excited! Who will Jillian, former hot dog connoisseur and hot tub slut, choose? Will it be Ed, the beefy and terribly dressed Midwesterner who had, shall we say, some performance anxiety in the “fantasy suite,” or Kiptyn, who not only has the silliest name ever but is so Ken-doll perfect that he’s downright creepy? Our money is on the evil overlords at ABC to rig up a last-minute confession from our personal favorite, nerdy Reid/Chandler Bing, and make us think something shocking will happen. We’re guessing in the end, though, it will be same old snooze proposal with US Weekly announcing the happy couple’s breakup in six months time. Sigh. [ABC, 9 p.m.]

Tuesday: Witness

Here’s a fun game we like to play: Which Harrison Ford is the hottest of all time? Is it Han Solo Ford? Indiana Jones Ford or Working Girl Ford? For our money, it’s steamy-almost-sex-with-an-Amish-lady Ford in the great 1985 Peter Weir film Witness. Mr. Ford plays a cop who has to hide out among the Amish and try and protect little Lukas Haas who witnessed (duh) a brutal murder that still makes us feel weird being in the Philadelphia train station to this day. He has an intense flirtation with Kelly McGillis, and learns to wear pants without zippers! This film boasts a heart-fluttering sponge bath, Viggo Mortensen as the best-looking mute Amish carpenter ever, and a death-by-grain scene that the Final Destination folks could only dream of. [AMC, 8:15]

Wednesday: I Survived a Japanese Game Show

When it comes to bad television, we realize we are part of the problem and not the solution (see Monday’s entry). But that being said, WTF is up with this I Survived a Japanese Game Show? According to ABC, 12 Americans went to Japan to compete in challenges with names like “Big Foot Bang Bang,” “Alien Took my Teddy Bear” and “Gopher Make You Crazy” while being led by host Rome Kanda, house mother Mama-San and Judge Bob. Tonight, the six remaining contestants apparently will be dressing up as cats for a milk relay rice and wear Velcro suits to throw themselves at a wall from a trampoline. Good lord. We … just don’t know what to say. [ABC, 9 p.m.]

Thursday: Control

Are you ready to feel all sorts of angsty and restless—kind of like the way you did when you were just a sulky teen, driving around parking lots and smoking cigarettes? Then you should absolutely settle in and watch Control, the beautiful and incredibly moving biopic of Joy Division singer Ian Curtis. Curtis was a troubled soul, committing suicide at age 23 while on the brink of superstardom. Sam Riley is spookily good as Curtis and pulls off a pretty convincing “Love Will Tear Us Apart” to boot. Samantha Morton plays wife Deborah Curtis (the screenplay is based on Ms. Curtis’ Touching From a Distance) and is amazing as always, but take a look at the pretty actress portraying Curtis’ mistress Annik Honoré, Alexandra Maria Lara. Ms. Lara and Mr. Riley got engaged earlier this year. See if you can catch the pair falling in love onscreen. [MOMaxe, 2:35 a.m.]

Friday: Inside Man

Inside Man is Spike Lee’s 18th feature film and it’s up there as being one of the more fun to watch. It’s a good old-fashioned bank heist flick, starring Denzel Washington, Clive Owen (was this the movie that made everyone fall in love with him? We think so) and Jodie Foster. Though this film seems, at first glance, to be a departure for Mr. Lee, reconsider the blue skies over the Manhattan skyline, Mr. Washington’s quick-witted quips about life in the city and all those funny/uncomfortable jokes about post-911 racial profiling. It’s a zippy affair, tightly crafted and exciting. Plus, the hard-to-pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor is in it, and who doesn’t love that guy? [BET, 1:30 p.m.]