Okinawa Approves New Marine Air Station On Unstable Volcanic Island

NAHA, Okinawa Prefecture — Hailed as yet another landmark consular victory between the United States and Japan, Gov. Hirokazu Nakaima signed legislation today moving Marine Corps Air Station (MCAS) Futenma to an unnamed and still-forming island 800 miles east of Okinawa.

Nakaima in 2013 broke a seven-year impasse between the two nations by signing a bill relocating the airbase to a less populated area on mainland Okinawa. But sources indicate that this year he has become “sick of all [the Marines’] bullshit” and accelerated the relocation in hopes “they burn in the agonizing, eternal Hell of (Goddess of Fire) Aino’s bosom.”

Maj. Gen. Charles S. Hudson, Commanding General Marine Corps Installation Pacific (MCIPAC), is personally ecstatic about the decision and can’t wait to get started on Futenma’s construction.

“Whether it was an entire aircraft group getting the clap from the Yoshihara Red Light District or a helicopter crashing into a school, I couldn’t increase the distance of these Marines from any human settlement fast enough,” Hudson told reporters at the MCIPAC headquarters in Hawaii.

“Thanks to Governor Nakaima — and the substantial monetary incentive by Japanese Parliament — we can accomplish our national security objectives while allowing me to sleep for eight consecutive hours for the first time in years.”

MCIPAC is sparing no expense on the construction, billing the new Futenma as the first “green” US military installation by harnessing the island’s extensive geothermal activity. The airstrip itself will be built on the northern end of the pristine and seismically unhinged volcanic land mass, while families will reside on the newly emerging southern end at bucolic Camp Krakatoa.

Once the land beneath it cools enough for habitation, Camp Krakatoa will be a state-of-the-art installation centered in a double-somma caldera. With exquisite views of the 100% sulfuric acid Tambora Lake, dependents will be able to take in a movie at the Pinatubo theater, work off some energy at the Vesuvius Fitness Center, or bowl a few games at the Navada Del Ruiz Columbian Cantina Bowling Alley.

Asked about his opinion on the move, MCAS Futenma Sgt. Maj. Jerry D. Taylor told Duffel Blog he is looking forward to the change of scenery.

“Even with the toxic fumaroles, pyroclastic flows, viscous lahars, choking clouds of ash, corrosive sulfur dioxide, and mild-to-moderate explosive activity, the standard of living will still be higher than any other duty station I have served at.”

Jack S. McQuack is not in control of his life. He writes for Duffel Blog to compensate for not dying in a blaze of glory in some third-world hellhole. In his spare time he enjoys eating until he hates himself and has a mean case of prostatitis.