Negotiating with Your Teen

Disagreements, clashes, struggles are an inevitable part of growing up. Whether they result in animosity or deepened relationships is in our hands.

Sometimes parents and their teenage children disagree. (Only sometimes!) And sometimes it can get quite rancorous. There can be yelling, screaming, storming out of rooms and the slamming of doors.

We're shocked and appalled. "Where is your common decency?!" we rant. "How about honoring your parents?" we rave. "How could you have such chutzpah?!" And the ultimate "When I was your age I never…."

Is that really so? Pick up the phone, call your mother and ask her how you behaved. Maybe it's time for a reality check.

Disagreements, clashes, struggles are an inevitable part of growing up. Whether they result in animosity or deepened relationships is in our hands.

Even if things really were different when we were growing up, it doesn't matter. We're parenting now.

We need to take off our gloves and be prepared to negotiate with our teenagers. Even if things really were different when we were growing up, it doesn't matter. We're not parenting 30, 40 years ago. We're doing it now. We live in a very open society that has impacted the way our children think and their expectations, and we must respond and parent accordingly.

We need to master the skill of negotiating in order to be a more effective parent. (And to survive adolescence!) It will deepen our relationship with and understanding of our teenagers. And our adolescents need these skills for future success.

What does negotiating involve?

1) Start with patient and active listening. What is my son saying? What point is my daughter making?

2) Negotiating requires the ability to recognize the legitimacy of another point of view. Maybe I was wrong on the facts. Maybe I didn't have the full picture.

3) We need the insight to perceive how important this issue is to our child. Prioritize it. Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

4) It's crucial to have the clarity to determine which issues we're prepared to go to the mat for. There should be very few.

5) Most of all, we need the courage and confidence to say, "I've changed my mind." Why? Either our adolescent made a persuasive argument and we respect his/her point of view, or our teenager presented us with new information that significantly altered the situation, or we appreciate that this is much more important to our child than it is to us.

It is not a diminishment of our roles as parents. It enhances rather than decreases our child's respect for us. And it paves the way for future open discussions.

Both sides need to learn to listen with respect, not to interrupt, to explain their point of view and the power of the counteroffer or compromise. Rigidity or inflexibility on either side will be damaging.

Sarah had an 11:00 p.m. curfew. But it was the night of the school song and dance performance. The girls had been working hard for months and wanted to have a small party afterwards to celebrate. Although her parents were strict about her curfew, they appreciated how much this meant to Sarah and they made a one night exception of 12:00 a.m. They hadn't received so many smiles and hugs in a long time.

We are teaching our children skills they will need and use all their lives. We are providing our teenagers with an open and productive venue for expression. Without room for negotiation, their viewpoints, their needs, their desire, goals and wishes are completely shut out.

Although we want to play this card very rarely, we reserve the right to say, "Because I said so."

Having mastered the art of negotiation (!), we have to remember we're still the parents. Although we want to play this card very rarely, we reserve the right to say, "Because I said so." Sparingly, but sometimes it is necessary. Since we retain the authority to negotiate, we retain the authority to put our foot down, in a calm voice and calm manner.

When a friend's son was in high school he was invited to a Purim party. Sounds harmless, right? But my friend knew that the boys would be very rowdy and that there would be heavy drinking. Frankly he was terrified. He offered to drive his child there and even park two blocks away (thereby skirting the teenage embarrassment issue). But that wasn't enough. His son insisted on driving himself. My friend stood his ground. "I only have one of you," he said. "You're too precious to me to take any chances."

His teenager screamed and threw a tantrum, storming out of the room. But his father was adamant. Negotiations had failed and he was unwilling to budge. He had to play his parental trump card.

One scene does not an at-risk child make. As long as there is a healthy atmosphere of negotiation, the occasional strong assertion of parental authority is not dangerous. And the opposite is true: If we're too permissive because we're afraid of our child's displeasure, they are at risk of feeling unloved and uncared for. Many of the anti-drug billboards today are simply promoting involved parenting. Saying "no" shows we care -- as long as we know when to say "yes" as well.

Explain to your teenager the reason for your rules. They may not always understand. They may not always agree. They probably won't acknowledge after the fact that we were right. But we'll be amazed at what we witness when they become parents themselves. (At least that's what I've heard!)

Our rules need to be rational. Make sure all viewpoints are expressed with respect and derech eretz (good manners). Be a benevolent dictator.

Only an ineffectual boss has to keep asserting his authority. If we've done our job well, constant reminders are unnecessary and counterproductive. The very fact that our teenagers know they need to negotiate with us is a statement of respect for us and our authority. Don't abuse it.

Negotiating is empowering to both parents and teenagers. Each stage of life has its joys and challenges. While there are certainly challenges and struggles ahead in this bargaining process, there is also the joy of seeing our child emerging as a thoughtful young adult with whom we can have reasonable discussions and informed debate.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
Anonymous,
November 29, 2011 12:00 PM

daughter-in-law

I wrote about daugher-in-law, and can hardly believe my ears. They have a bar-mitzvah very soon and I helped them financially, even though I have great difficulties. I didn;t want my grandson to be sad or my son to be ashamed about not being able to hold an affar. My dauaghter in law kept on pushing off arrangement, placing the responsibilty on her husband's shoulder. In the end she festively decarlared that she would make a full meal, plus salads for 120 guests, when all know that she can barely make Shabbos or an every day lunch. I the end my son found a very inexpensive caterer in his city. My daughter in law avoids working, except as a substitute in a special ed. school which amounts to 300 shekels a month. I gently hinted to my son that there were lots of jobs for mother's helpers and that wives of roshei yeshiva do them too. They have two types of helpers; one for independent mothers or elderly people, and one which entails very light tasks: going to store, sittin on bench in the sun with client etc/ She refuses to look into it, but she doesn't mind the subbing (i.e. if a regular teacher is absent), but there is very little of this and the pay is very low.
So now she doesn't have to make the simcha (I gave him money for it). Doesn't have to work to pay for it. (I am 68 and have been suffering from gout or perhaps something similar for many months, and must walk with support and a walker!)
What is wrong with her

(8)
Dianne Nitzahn,
November 21, 2005 12:00 AM

Wonderful article!

Thank you for a thoughtful and sensible article. I'm going to email it to my husband; he had a serious argument with out daughter this morning, and I think this will help him listen to her as well as negotiate. Thank you so much.

(7)
J.V.B.,
May 3, 2005 12:00 AM

I lost everything because of a teenaged stepson and his Mother's inability to parent!

WARNING!!! If you have an out of control teenager run to the hills!

(6)
Merlock,
April 18, 2005 12:00 AM

Thank You Very Much

I don't know if she'll listen or even read this, but I'm sending it to my mother right now.

(5)
Anonymous,
April 14, 2005 12:00 AM

beautiful message

(4)
chaya,
April 14, 2005 12:00 AM

this article is right on target, and well written too.

(3)
yael,
April 12, 2005 12:00 AM

recommended reading

The thoughts that Emunah Braverman has pointed out in this on-target article are dealt with in greater detail in several books written by Rabbi Noach Orloweck - a premier educator who understands the needs of the 'times' in light of Torah perspective. I also find his books a pleasure to read, plus they are well-written.

(2)
Jesa Kreiner,
April 11, 2005 12:00 AM

Thoughful and clear.

I enjoyed reading this as it makes eminent sense yet it is presented with clarity and empathy.

(1)
sarah,
April 10, 2005 12:00 AM

this is a good example for teens

i read it and it was very good i will aloso give to my mom and to my dad its a good story for ages

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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