Build a Man Cave, Don’t Create One

My husband’s birthday is the day after Valentine’s Day so celebrating is a double whammy. Buying him gifts for the two holidays is tough because I like buying him sentimental things for Valentine’s Day and useful things for his birthday. He is a practical man; he enjoys working in the yard and fixing things in the house. I encourage this part of him because he has a stressful job and working on things seems to relax him. I’ve been bugging him since the holidays about what he wants for his birthday, so last week when he came to me with a big grin on his face pointing to a magazine telling me, “This is what I want,” I paid attention. It was inside a Prime Living Magazine, for which I write, where he found his dream gift: a “man cave” you could build at home.

The man caves featured in the article were incredible. One look and I knew it was the perfect gift! Some were round and hanging from a tree. Some of them were fashioned after elaborate cottages hidden in the trees. I kept looking at the pictures and imagining how they would look in our yard. I looked at him and said, “Wow, we need one of these! We can climb up inside and retreat for days.” His face changed, and he became suddenly serious and said, “Wait a minute, the idea of the man cave is I go into it by myself. I go there to retreat, to think, and to work on stuff.” He went on to say, “I get to eat what I want (I’m vegetarian, he’s not), listen to what I want (he likes 60’s rock, I like bossa nova), and it’s a place only for ‘the man.’” The more he talked, the more I realized what a great concept a “man cave” is. It allows men freedom from being anything other than a man.

During dinner that night, we had a lively conversation about the man cave with several of our friends. I was surprised that more women weren’t open to the idea. They seemed a little jealous that their man would leave or wouldn’t be completely in need of their company all the time. One of my friends told us that her home is a man cave. She has sons, and she said they all act like barbarians in the home. She felt that a woman’s cave would be more appropriate. The conversation became so animated that my husband conceded and said he didn’t really want a man cave, but he brought the whole idea up because he thought it was funny. I didn’t and don’t think it’s funny…I think it’s ingenious. I think a man cave could save marriages, and they would be much cheaper and less destructive than a divorce.

Men who need a man cave but don’t build one may end up creating one in their relationship. They achieve this by withdrawing, getting defensive when their partner asks for more of their time, and sometimes by abandoning the relationship. Guys need time to be alone. Women do too, but women often prefer the company of friends during their “alone time.” Women are more verbal and frequently include other women in their alone time by chatting online, talking on the phone or through texting. Guys’ alone time looks different; it is alone. My husband takes a trip with his brothers every year to an old cabin in Canada that they have frequented since childhood. The best part of his vacation is when they all do their own thing during the day…alone. He writes, fishes, catches bugs, and whatever, but it is done in solitude. He is a better husband because of this trip.

With the economy and mortgage approvals making it barely possible for many to own their own home, purchasing the material to construct a man cave may be tough. You can achieve a man cave concept by giving your guy his own space within your home; this will help prevent your marriage or relationship from being sacrificed due to his need for solitude. Here are a few suggestions to help you get started:

Decide where in the home “his area/cave” will be. Guys like to take up a lot of space, so maybe a whole room or part of the garage for him would be best.

After you settle on a place, let him decorate it. Don’t worry; men’s taste with décor isn’t as expensive as women’s. Guys like caves and can do with minimal stuff….usually.

I think it is a great idea to not frequent his area. He needs his own place to retreat and if you begin going in there all the time, then there is no boundary and he is going to become resentful of your invasion. Guys, if your wife or girlfriend agrees not to invade your man cave, then you will have to agree to clean it up. I know this sort of violates the idea of a man cave, but a roach infestation in the house due to leftover food is not okay.

Kids should stay out of the man cave unless their dad personally invites them in.

I would never help build a man cave for my man if I didn’t trust him. In fact, I wouldn’t share a home with anyone I didn’t trust.

We aren’t going to build a man cave this year, but I am going to help make “his space” at our home more comfortable. He wants a new desk for his computer. He chose one that didn’t match the décor, but it is his man cave within our home. Great marriages are built with trust, understanding, and realizing you cannot be all things to your partner. Encouraging each other’s alone time can energize your marriage and make you more appreciative of the person you share your cave with. –Mary Jo Rapini