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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Hottest Major Star Trek Characters in Order (Excluding Enterprise Because Enterprise Sucks)

I don't procrastinate like normal writers, I tend to procrastinate from one thing I'm writing with more writing. So instead of going for 47,000 words on Kissing Ellen King, I'm writing this entry. As with anything I ever rank, I developed a formula to help me sort through the characters. I scored each out of ten on their facial beauty, their bodily beauty, and their personality. Then I ranked them 1 to 13 in regards to which I'd most like to fuck. Enjoy. (Also, some of the information here includes what I've read in the novels following the run of each series.)

13). Beverly Crusher

Actress: Gates McFadden

Series: The Next Generation

Ages During Run: 37-44

Rank: Commander

Role: Doctor, U.S.S. Enterprise-D/E

Face: 6/10

Body: 4/10

Personality: 5/10

Fuckability: 13th (last, 1 point)

Total: 16

Poor Beverly Crusher, she had a dead husband and Wesley as a son. While I find Beverly infinitely preferable to the short lived Katherine Pulaski (not listed here) who was a blatant attempt to insert a female Dr. McCoy into the series, I just don't find her to be very attractive. She's big in all the wrong places, and puts off a nagging motherly quality that I don't want my penis anywhere near.

12). Ro Laren

Actress: Michelle Forbes

Series: The Next Generation

Ages During Run: 26-29

Rank: Ensign/Lieutenant

Role: Maquis

Face: 5/10

Body: 6/10

Personality: 7/10

Fuckability: 11th (3 points)

Total: 21

I don't remember much about Ensign Ro from her brief appearance on The Next Generation. But there's something appealing about sidling up next to a former terrorist. Even though Laren ranks low in fuckability, I would most definitely boink her.

11). Uhura

Actress: Nichelle Nichols

Series: The Original Series

Ages During Run: 34-37

Rank: Lieutenant

Role: Communications Specialist, U.S.S. Enterprise-A

Face: 8/10

Body: 7/10

Personality: 5/10

Fuckability: 12th (last, 2 points)

Total: 22

Uhura is tough, and scores low due to her personality, or rather the fact that she never had much of one. She was TOS's Troi, often telling the crew what they already knew. Although her mirror universe counterpart was pretty fine.

10). Janice Rand

Actress:Grace Lee Whitney

Series: The Original Series

Ages During Run: 36

Rank: Yeoman

Role: Tempt Kirk's Penis

Face: 7/10

Body: 8/10

Personality: 3/10

Fuckability: 7th (7 points)

Total: 25

If Uhura had little personality, Yeoman Rand had none. She was basically just there to have a pretty face next to Kirk while he did all his manly shit. The beehive hairdo was kind of out there, but I could definitely learn to look past it.

9). Kira Nerys

Actress: Nana Vistior

Series: Deep Space Nine

Ages During Run: 36-43

Rank: Major, Colonel, Commander

Role: Terrorist

Face: 7/10

Body: 8/10

Personality: 6/10

Fuckability: 8th (6 points)

Total: 27

I'll admit, I haven't watched enough Deep Space Nine to get a feel for Nerys's personality, but like I said before, who wouldn't want to fuck a former terrorist?

8). Deanna Troi

Actress: Marina Sirtis

Series: The Next Generation

Ages During Run: 20-27

Rank: Commander

Role: Ship's Counselor

Face: 7/10

Body: 7/10

Personality: 9/10

Fuckability: 10th (4 points)

Total: 27

I think that Deanna Troi was supposed to be super hot in the Star Trek universe, but I just never saw it. Though some might have found her penchant for stating the obvious annoying, I looked past that to her empathic abilities, and the confidence to get married naked. She can read your emotions, that means she has to be awesome in bed, right?

7). Kathryn Janeway

Actress: Kate Mulgrew

Series: Voyager

Ages During Run: 39-46

Rank: Captain

Role: Badass

Face: 7/10

Body: 6/10

Personality: 10/10

Fuckability: 9th (5 points)

Total: 28

Yes, yes, I know I'm crazy for ranking Captain Janeway this high, but there's just something alluring about a tough-as-nails tomboy who was roughly a career 19-1 against the Borg. Rest in peace Admiral Janeway. She could have me standing at attention any day.

6). B'elanna Torres-Paris

Actress: Roxann Dawson

Series: Voyager

Ages During Run: 26-33

Rank: Lieutenant

Role: Chief Engineer

Face: 7/10

Body: 8/10

Personality: 8/10

Fuckability: 5th (9 points)

Total: 32

I love me some cup-o-crazy, and B'elanna Torres might have been several gallons worth. From self-harm, to sabotaging her relationship with Tom Paris, to coming to grips with her Klingon heritage, Torres was all over the place. And to top it all off, she was a genius, capable of holding Voyager together with spit and duct tape while every Delta Quadrant race had a go at it. Montgomery Scott would be proud.

5). Jadzia Dax

Actress: Terry Farrell

Series: Deep Space Nine

Ages During Run: 30-36

Rank: Lieutenant, Lieutenant Commander

Role: Science Officer

Face: 8/10

Body: 9/10

Personality: 7/10

Fuckability: 6th (8 points)

Total: 32

Again I didn't watch much DS9, so my knowledge of Dax is limited. But she fucked Worf, and the Klingons have crazy sex so...make your own judgments.

4). Tasha Yar

Actress: Denise Crosby

Series: The Next Generation

Ages During Run: 30

Rank: Lieutenant

Role: Food for the Jiffy Lube Monster, Security

Face: 7/10

Body: 10/10

Personality: 6/10

Fuckability: 4th (10 points)

Total: 33

Oh Tasha, we barely knew ye. The character really should have been something, with her parent-less upbringing and tomboy toughness, but it just wasn't. I think that part of the reason was that Trek writers needed to either go big (Captain Janeway) or go home with a tough female. Yar caved pretty quickly to the distinct girliness of Troi and Crusher.

3). Kes

Actress: Jennifer Lien

Series: Voyager

Ages During Run: 20-23

Rank: None

Role: I really have no idea.

Face: 9/10

Body: 9/10

Personality: 6/10

Fuckability: 3rd (11 points)

Total: 35

What to say about Kes. For starters, there was a latent creepiness to her character and her relationship with Neelix that made her much more intriguing. Being an Ocampan, a race with a lifespan of nine years, Kes was basically a child when she was involved with the gregarious Talaxian. A lot of people didn't like Kes and her softness, especially considering her later replacement, but she was cute as hell and had a vastly underrated body. And now she's made of pure energy.

2). Ezri Dax

Actress: Nicole de Boer

Series: Deep Space Nine

Ages During Run: 28

Rank: Captain

Role: Captain

Face: 10/10

Body: 9/10

Personality: 7/10

Fuckability: 2nd (12 points)

Total: 38

A tie for first, most of what I know about Ezri Dax is not from her time aboard DS9, but from her time captaining the U.S.S. Aventine in the novels. From what I know, the TV character was indecisive and spineless to the point of being annoying, but the Captain that helped eradicate the Borg is anything but. There's just something about her short hair and small stature that appeals to me.

1). Seven of Nine/Annika Hansen

Actress: Jeri Ryan

Series: Voyager

Ages During Run: 29-32

Rank: None; Professor

Role: Astrometrics, Resident Hot Chick

Face: 9/10

Body: 10/10

Personality: 7/10

Fuckability: 1st (13 points)

Total: 38

What Seven of Nine lacked in personality, she made up for in giant tits. There is no doubt about who the hottest Trek girl is. It's Seven, and few even come close. The character managed to be somewhat Data-y while lacking a lot of the charm that Data had. But...giant tits. Holy crap giant tits. I'm sure Gene Roddenberry, a notorious tit lover, smiled in his grave when she was cast.

2 comments:

Wherever there is injustice, we are there! Cause we are THE THREE AMIGOS! Kidding, but Star Trek Babe lists are infuriating cause I love sci fi but also work with a photographer who shoots models for their books and he says that 99.99% of all females on Star Trek are fauck ugly and he never wanted to check out all my choices cause he was disillusioned. BUT, then one day, he saw Ezri Dax and agreed that was someone who had a shot as a model, not editorial, of course, cause she is too short, but her face could be on One Tree Hill or an Urban Outfitters catalog and noone would think "You got to be kidding", which is the reaction anyone would have seeing Jadzia Dax or Kira Nerys in a Tommy Hilfiger catalog...it would be like, "You are fucking kidding me, right?" They are ugly. Ezri is a babe. 7 of 9 and T'Pol? Also not bad.