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Dating Tips For You And Your Philias 3/7: Frotteurism

The paraphilic interest of rubbing against a non-consenting person for sexual gratification.

Examples: Only one. You and someone who would probably never want to hang out with you.

I see you there, Mr. Nervous-Hands-In-The-Pockets. You’re shifting on your heels, surrounded by beautiful women, and you can’t get the nerve to grind against one of them? For shame, you patsy! So what that they might not like your body making friction against their body. That’s the point, right? So find someone unwilling and make that happen. It’s what Shakespeare would’ve wanted.

Note: This only applies to non-consenting people. Some people like it when you rub “up on them” (as they say in the rap videos.) These people are referred to as “deviants” and shouldn’t be associated with readers like you.

Tip 1: Make it look innocent. This can be accomplished by giving what I call “the bashful look.” It’s a facial expression that reads, “Hey, my last girlfriend really tore me up and while I’m not ready for anything serious maybe you could change me and I can tell you want something special and if I trust you I can be that guy but for now I’m going to rub my groin against your backpack and maybe your hip bone.”

Tip 2: Rub in a smooth circular pattern. This works especially if you’re in a bar with loud, awful music or a club with loud, awful music. That way, when she says “What are you doing?” you can say “Just trying to dance.” And by “dance” you mean “grind” and by “grind” you mean “niiiiiiice.”

Tip 3: This directly applies to Tip 2. If she gets into the dance, possibly abort mission. Find another girl who looks furious or, and this is a gamble, attempt to start over with the same girl. It can be risky to attempt the latter, but the best way to go about it is to whisper in her ear “I hear you have secret man parts.” She will respond in disgust, get away from you, only for you to follow and continue to grind. Repeat until you get thrown out by security or she leaves.

Tip 4: Statistics show that straight men in clubs are 50% more likely to call out stuff as “gay” then straight men not in clubs. This is scientifically unexplainable and can best be described as “ignorant” and “douchey.” However, if you don’t discriminate, try it on a male like this, who will be more un-consenting than any other possible class of person.

Tip 5: If you don’t like bars and clubs, fulfill your need in more public, normal areas. Like the post office, or an elementary school. Not on the children of course, but the teachers, who will be so taken aback that any fantasy any one has ever had of “teacher/student” will be washed away, leaving “nurse/patient” and “rich man/someone who does something in the house” as the reigning champions.

Note 2: Getting caught for this can be deemed as a misdemeanor crime. I’m no “master” of the criminal justice system, but if taken to court for this, the best possible course of action is to try and grind on the judge, and then break down sobbing, saying things like “I can’t help it….I have these demons…these needs…”