Before The Dawn

Heather and I are finally letting ourselves feel excitement right now what with the impending arrival of little Binky. New baby clothes are ready, our hospital bag has been packed for weeks, and we’ve even begun to discuss life once again within the context of having a child. At the same time, however, there is anxiety. We were two, and then we were three. And now – at least in the physical sense – we are two about to be three again. How will this work? Can we be a family again? Will the part of me that Maddie loved so much still be there for Binky to love too?

I had a dream the other night that I’ve had a hard time shaking. In it I was playing on the floor with a baby girl who I understood to be Binky. I was having a good time, and as I passed blocks back and forth with her I marveled at how much she looked like her sister. Then…suddenly…instead of being able to see how much she looked like Maddie, all I could see was how different she looked. I woke up in a cold sweat.

I don’t ever want to be dissatisfied with Binky because she doesn’t look or act like her sister. I don’t want the thought to ever so much as cross my mind. Binky deserves to be loved and appreciated for all the splendor that she is. Her individual splendor.

These days leading up to Binky’s arrival are hard. I wish I could fast forward to the moment I hold her in my arms and feel my heart become hers just as it did with Madeline. I wish I could flash forward to the moment she goes from my conceptual daughter to a real, live one.

That will come soon enough though. In the meantime, I will do my best to push away my anxieties and focus on the excitement of becoming a father once again. Binky deserves that.

127 Comments

Amy K says:

You’ll love Binky as her own unique, beautiful individual. Don’t worry about your dream, and don’t beat yourselves up if you accidentally call her by the wrong name sometimes. I’m so excited for you guys.

Oh Mike. There are no easy answers – possibly no answers at all. You and Heather are working so hard already to give Binky all the love and appreciation she deserves, while still honouring her big sister, and I think you’re doing an amazing job. I’m sure you will continue to do so. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. You also deserve to enjoy being parents – don’t forget that!
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Orders and invitations =-.

Alice says:

Mike and Heather, your beautiful Madeline touches and inspires me every day – and I just can’t wait for her sister to arrive.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself. There is going to be a flood of emotions from the moment of Binky’s birth – some guilt, some pain, and yes, maybe some disatisfaction too. There will always be part of you which is longing for Maddie. But those feelings – as guiolty as you may feel about them – are a natural part of the grieving process. If you occasionally find yourself wishing Binky had Maddie’s curly hair or that she had the same giving spirit, please don’t feel guilty about that. It doesn’t mean you won’t love her just as much as you did her luminous older sister.

And remember – on top of all this guilt, disatisfaction and confusion will be overwhelming joy at your beautiful, perfect new daughter.

Cinthia says:

Hang in there, dude. This baby will rock just as hard as Maddie, but in a different way. Think of it as you would the Beatles. You may like John or Ringo better than the others, or maybe get along with Paul in a nicer way, but it isn’t the Beatles without George, too. All of them have a place.

Jenn says:

Your feelings are understandable however, I do believe once you hold your daughter, all will be well. She might look like Maddie and I’m sure she might even act like her sister at times but you will be so in love with her it will be magical.

Not long now daddy!!!
can’t wait to see her pictures and hear all about her safe arrival.
Hope Heather is doing well.
My Best!
Jenn

Perfect way to explain, CarrieB. After my first child, I couldn’t imagine loving my second as much. People tried to calm my fears but no one could put it into words, the way you just did. I loved reading that. Perfect.
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Things I Said While Under the Influence of Anesthesia =-.

Sue says:

All of the anxiety, and doubts, that you are experiencing, Mike, sound like they would be perfectly normal to me. Heather & you are such wonderful, loving parents, and I’m sure all of these feelings, of uncertainty, will turn into a huge love affair with Binky(can’t wait to hear her actual name, by the way!) as soon as your eyes meet hers!!. Hang in there, and all of your fears will soon be a thing of the past! Much love to all of you,,,,,,,

I, too, worried about how I would feel about bringing baby #2 into our home. Much to my relief, my heart was able to love my second child with as much overwhelming strength as I love my 1st child. (I can’t wait for Binky to arrive!)
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..How to bribe your dog =-.

I like the commenter who used the analogy of the slice of pie: It does just get bigger. Love is infinite, which I think we have a hard time grasping, not being infinite ourselves. There is plenty of love in our hearts for all of our children. You’ll never forget Maddie and you’ll be able to give Binky all the love she deserves.
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..Ugh. Bug. =-.

I think there is a whole part of your heart that you don’t even know is there yet that is ready to love Binky more than you could even imagine – the same way you had a part of your heart ready for Maddie when she arrived. I think your heart just expands when you have children – and you discover your capacity for love is greater and more boundless than you ever could believe.

the fact that you both realise and are confronting the fears of your parenting of Binky after Maddie speaks volumes to the capabilities you both have to really truly love this child for herself.
.-= Angie´s last blog ..Having a blast with my point and shoot =-.

It’s always amazing how we can immediately love a second child just as much and in a completely different way than we ever loved our first. I think what you’ll find is that you’ll love Binky in a way that is so unique and so different from the way you love Maddie, but the key is that you’ll prefer it to be exactly like that. And, that unique love will help Binkie grow up feeling special, unique, and never like she’s living in the shadow of her sister.
.-= Neena´s last blog ..My thinking: being a drug addict? not all bad! =-.

Al_Pal says:

I’m not a parent [yet?] but I absolutely believe that your heart will expand to love Binky for her individual self. Your fear sounds totally understandable.
I’ve no doubt that you and Heather will give your all, and that your capacity to love will increase–and that you will be so loving, overall, that a few down days will be merely a blip in the awesomely-loved life of Binky.
Best Wishes.

I too wonder how I could possibly love another child the way I love my Keelyn. Would I always prefer Keelyn, would the other child know that, would I be fair with attention paid, would I be able to no say your sister never did that… so many worries. Then I remember my Mother. She really did treat my sister and I with total fairness. She really did make us believe that she loved us equally (and if she does have a favorite I still don’t know which of us it is).
I guess what everyone says is true…when you have another baby you love them just as much as the first. Don’t worry, believe in what they say, and know that you guys are going to be as great parents to Binky as you were to Maddie!
.-= charlane´s last blog ..The Making of a Flash Dance =-.

Ann says:

My girlfriend and her husband too lost their precious little buddle of joy Milyka and soon after became pregnant with their second child as well. While they went through similar feelings as you and Heather are experiencing they soon realized after giving birth to their second child that because they became pregnant so quickly again after they lost their first that they never really had that proper time to grieve her. But they did grieve their first child just after their second one was born but they did their grieving with their second child as a family (as hard as that may be considering) and they too still had a more than tremendous amount of love, joy, want and satifaction for their new little one at the very same time. Grief is a most cunfusing matter of life but I too agree with the comment made above about the “love pie” and “how it only grows bigger.” I have seen it. While it is that you are feeling scared and anxious too just know that these feels are perfectly natural and normal and you should not feel bad as feelings are our own; they are neither right nor wrong because they just are.

I wish that I could say something to take away your fears but this is life and we all live throught it! You will too!

Much love to you, Heather, Maddie and Binky and know too that we are praying for you all daily!

Annie says:

One look at that baby and your worries will disappear. It’s hard to bond to a stomach, in my experience. Once you are looking at a tiny (um, or biggish?) baby that is YOURS, those feelings will overwhelm you.In a good way.

Jackie says:

I read this blog daily, although I rarely post. I just wanted to say how lucky Binky is to be arriving to such amazing parents. I know that you both have your worries now, but once she’s born everything will fall in line the way it’s meant to. Because of who you both are, you WILL love her for who she is. This blog has shown me without a doubt that your hearts are big enough to love both your children fiercely and unconditionally. I’m so excited for you guys

I think even people who have not lost their first child still wonder if they could possibly love their second baby as much as the first one. I know I felt that way before my son was born. I can’t wait to see how much joy you are going to have with Binky. Any child would be lucky to have you and Heather for parents, and I hope you guys realize that as blessed and fortunate as you were to be Madeline’s parents, she was also blessed to be your daughter. Thinking of you all in the coming days.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Foreigner =-.

Barbi from PA says:

Hi Mike,
Your feelings are natural, some grandparents even worry that they won’t be able to love grandchild #2 as much as #1, but they all say after he/she arrives that it’s just there. You will love Binky unconditionally the same as you do Maddy. Can’t wait for you both to see her! Take Care!

Thank you for being so honest about what you are feeling. Take a deep breath…and know that all you are experiencing is part of this journey…the journey you never wanted to be on or any of us…

Trust yourself…trust yourself as a wonderful father to BOTH Maddie and Binky. I cannot wait for you and Heather to hold your new little girl in your arms. It will be hard, it will be bittersweet, but it will also be so joyous!

J in eire says:

Mike, this is so brave of you. Giving voice to these fears releases their grip on you. What you are feeling is absolutely normal even without the devestating loss you have suffered. Binky will not get the same father that Maddie did, but she will be getting a father who truly knows to love and live in the moment, because he has lived through the love and loss of Madeline. You and heather have come so far with such grace, hold on a little longer your beautiful binky is only days away.

Lori says:

You all are going to be amazed at how your love for you daughters increases…and is not divided!!! I’ve never experienced loss like you all have, but I have experienced having two children, and wondering how in the world my love for my second child could possibly measure up to that for my first. It just happens. Just as children are a miracle….the love that we feel for them is a miracle in itself as well. Praying for you all and for Binky….and knowing that big sister is watching out for you all from Heaven. I bet she’s filling Binky in on Mommy and Daddy while she waits to come and meet you. Much love!!!

Coder says:

Mike,
I remember asking my cousin, after I had my first child, how you love the next one(s) as much (even without haveing experienced a loss like Maddie, and she told me you love them each differently. I don’t have any more children, year later even, but i think I understand what she meant. Each one has a different piece of your heart, no more or less than the other(s).

Good luck to you and Heather. I think too, since this bothers you, it will be on your radar when Binky arrives, and you will make sure to do the right things at the right time. You will be a great dad to Binky too!!

PS My grandmother always made each grandchild feel as they were her “favorite.” Now we laugh that we all thought we were the fav, but we all know now, and and knew then, that she loved us all just as much, just in different way.

Mike,
Once you have Benky in your arms you won’t even have to make an effort to make sure you love her as much as you should. You just… will. To have loved Madeline so deeply, you are far more likely to love deeply again. And you will. The capacity it there and it will consume you without you trying. Don’t worry one bit. You’re a daddy, that’s just how daddys are made.
Amy
.-= Amy´s last blog ..You can have your cake and eat it, too… =-.

You two never fail to amaze me – such strength in your words after such a challenging time. I don’t doubt for a moment that you will love your girls for the way they shine differently and for how they remind you of each other.
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..we taught our cat to sit =-.

You will be an amazing father to Binky and I have no doubt all your doubts will disappear after Binky is born and in your arms. You and Heather are so strong and have the support of so many wonderful people (many whom you’ve never even met).
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Uncharted Territory =-.

Mike, it’s got to completely normal what you are feeling. Even when you haven’t been through what you and Heather have, it’s normal to have anxiety that you can love your second as much as that adored first child. I can promise you, your heart will simply grow larger. Maddie will always have her own space in your heart, you can never replace her and your sweet new baby girl will have her own, right next to her sister. We are thinking of and praying for you and your beautiful wife, your beautiful Maddie and your precious new life every day.

Lindsay from Florida says:

It’s so difficult. You don’t want want Baby A to replace Madeline (which, of course, she won’t), but you DO want them to share some of the same beautiful qualities (which, of course, they will … I say that as a big sister who sees much of myself in my younger ones … but also sees how wonderfully unique and, to use your word, splendid they are themselves).

The one thing none of us who read this blog EVER worry about concerning you and Heather is that your daughters are and will be fully, deeply, completely cherished and loved.

Angie says:

I was not in your unique situation. But I did have similar anxiety when expecting baby #2. Would I have enough love for her, because I was already fully and utterly in love with her brother? Would I be able to avoid analyzing how different she was compared to her awesome brother (I mean come on, how can there be another baby as awesome or awesome-er than him)? Am I truly prepared to expand my family? The answer was uniequivocally YES. In fact, I never asked those questions once she was delivered. It just happened. In fact, even after all this time, there are days when my heart feels like it’s literally going to explode when I see her. I pray you experience this, too.

Anxieties before the arrival of a new baby a perfectly normal, and given the situation you and Heather find yourselves in your anxieties, I’m sure, are only that much bigger. You will be an amazing father to Binky, just as you are an amazing father to Maddie. They say your heart can only grow with love as each new child enters your life. When you hold Binky for the first time your anxieties will melt away.

Katie C. says:

Oh Mike… I can only imagine how you feel. I agree that the “love pie” will just get bigger and bigger, and so the slice you give to Binky will be just as big as the one you have given to Maddie.

I have to say… after having lost my own baby a few months ago, your blog has been healing to me. I am so excited to hear that Binky has been born. To experience that joy in some small way with you will be so wonderful!!!

Elizabeth says:

I share those same fears when it comes to adding to our family. How could I possibly love anyone else as much as I love my little girl? You are not alone in your fears. Your heart will grow to include Binky in her own special place. Thinking of you all!

Mary says:

Remember the scene in the Grinch where his heart grows “two sizes that day”? The heart’s physical space might be finite, but the capacity is not (as others have said). If you think about before Maddie came, you were likely concerned that you would love her “enough.” And I’m guessing the love you feel for her is stronger than you could have ever imagined. Binky will be that way, too. You will look in her eyes and the heart capacity you never knew you had will suddenly be felt. We who have not walked the road you and Heather have walked could never really understand the fear and anxiety you have, but from the things you’ve shared with us, you both seem extraordinarily loving and caring.

She does, deserve that… I can imagine how life for you and the family is now mixed emotions all the way. The joy for new life yet the mourning for a lost baby.
It will be so good to feel her in your arms, it will be the best feeling ever I am sure! Not long anymore now, hold on to the grass…
.-= catherine Lucas´s last blog ..Want some more color? =-.

Oh course your situation is different, however every parent questions how they will ever love another child as much as the first (I did!) and the most amazing thing happens…. you do. As a parent you are in love with each child individually and I am sure that you will not be any different.
.-= kbreints´s last blog ..a good back up =-.

AmyinTexas says:

This is normal stuff for all parents expecting the next child. Will there be enough love? What if this baby isn’t as easy as the one before it? What if this baby is worse? My first child was a boy and I spent the first six months of my 2nd child’s life using masculine pronouns to describe HER. Every child is different and as those above have said, you’ll love Binky for Binky. Sure, you might occasionally call her Maddie. You might also occasionally think, “Wow, Maddie was never this hard.” But you’d be thinking that if the circumstances were different as well. There ‘s nothing like that first child. But you know what? There’s nothing like that second one either.

Coming from a parent who lost a baby and had another, I felt the same way.
Don’t worry. There is love, deep and enduring, for each child. You’ll realize immediately that it isn’t Maddie, but you’ll also do what every parent has done when they have a second child – you automatically have as much love for the next child and the next. You don’t know where it comes from, but it does.
You’ll never stop loving Maddie. Ever. In fact, she will hold a special place that no other child will ever fill.
But that won’t prevent you from loving Binky with every ounce of your being.
They could be as different as night and day or virtually twins, but you’ll know the difference and you’ll still love just as intensely the second time as you did the first.
Trust me on this one. It was one of my worries, too. It was also the one worry I didn’t need to have.
.-= Patti McKenna´s last blog ..Why John Edwards Can’t be a Good Father =-.

I’m sure it must be so hard trying to deal with the complexity of emotions…the heartbreak of losing one child and the excitment of having another. You and Heather are wonderful, amazing parents. Binky will be lucky to have you.
.-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..Beer and Boston! =-.

Liz B. says:

Not that I have any basis for knowing this, but I think the fact that you’re concerned about this means it’s going to be fine. You want to love Binky on her own terms, so you will. You want to not punish her for not being her sister, so you won’t. You’re conscious of it, so you’ll be careful.

And I think you can’t possibly be the very same person you were when Maddie was born. But you know what, even if Maddie was still here, you wouldn’t be the same person. I’m certain Binky will love you on your own terms, too.

Binky will never replace Maddie. Maddie will always have every bit of love in your heart. And somehow, in a strange way that only parents of more than one child can understand, Binky too will have every bit of love in her special place in your heart.
Each child has ALL of your love in their special place in your heart.
I used to wonder ‘How could I love any child as much as my first?’
She was the one we prayed for, dreamed of before children. And when we struggled to get pregnant, thinking for days or weeks or months that we might never have children, she was the child that fulfilled those longings.
When our 2nd came along (at 32 weeks), I realized I loved him completely too, just as I loved her completely. He had a different story. As I held him in the NICU, watching him forget to breathe, and trying to get him to learn to suck in order to come off tube feedings, I knew: Each child has his or her own unique story, their stories are special to me for different reasons, but I’m their mom. And I love both of them completely with all my heart.
Now pregnant with my third (week 34– woo-HOO!), on progesterone, procardia, & bedrest (but starting to think we might go full-term this time!), I know I will love her just as completely.
The love of a parent for each child is a beautiful thing. It’s beyond explanation–and it’s an amazing experience!
.-= Becky´s last blog ..“Working” from Home? =-.

Michelle says:

I am just going to agree with what others have said. I think that many (most…all?) parents who are expecting their second child have doubts about being able to love them as much as the first. I remember being in labor with my second daughter and really being afraid that I already loved my 1st daughter with all of my heart…was there really room for this new person? Before she was born, she almost felt like some kind of intruder on our little family to me! It’s true though, that they arrive and your heart really does expand to accommodate them! Even though my second daughter was born looking nothing like her big sister (and she has since grown to act nothing like her either…polar opposites) I was immediately IN LOVE just as wholly and completely with her as with our first. (We even went on to have two little boys, too!)

I imagine that these feeling are much, much more intense in your situation but you have shown the world wide interwebs that you are a pair of amazingly caring, devoted, LOVING parents and I think Binky is so blessed to have you two as hers! (Not to mention a world-famous, gorgeous big sister!)

Best Wishes! I’m another random stranger who can’t wait to hear all about precious Binky’s arrival!

I understand this, I really do and I think I’ve commented before on one of Heather’s posts that I think most parents (if not all) feel this way before #2 arrives. I know you are also carrying this heavy burden of missing Maddie and I’m sure that makes it more intense but believe me when I say you are going to to fall so hard in love that you won’t even be able to stand it. Believe it.
.-= binkytowne´s last blog ..Nap Time =-.

Number two is much easier than the anxiety feelings would let you think. Trust us, dear Daddy! And dreams are just a form of recycling – pay them no mind when you are anxious! You will be a fabulous family again, I know it in my heart, and I can’t wait for it to be that way for you guys!
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..A box of chocolates =-.

Rae says:

While I know you will love Binky, it is also natural not to have those feelings right away. You will *love* your daughter, but there will be a lot of conflicting feelings. Especially for Heather (love those post-partum hormones), but for you also.

Don’t have expectations on your feelings right now. Don’t have doubts on the validity of your emotions. Do expect that it may take some time, it may not happpen the moment you hold Binky… or it might.

Chrisie says:

Trisha Vargas says:

It will be okay. You will love Binky completely and that won’t mean you love Madeline any less. It’s amazing the amount of love parents can fit inside their hearts for each of their children.

The grief that you and Heather have experienced this past year is unfathomable. I read some words from another grieving parent that I thought were inspriring and wanted to share.

She said that through her grief and loss she was able to appreciate the immensity of love with her second child that she didn’t even realize she had left in her. Any parent will say one child can never replace another but as she held her second born daughter that night, she realized she was beginning to heal. She knew it was not her new baby’s job to heal her but somehow she had started just that.

Don’t misunderstand, I am in no way saying your sadness or grief for Maddie will ever diminish.

I am just trying to say that the wonderful love you and Heather share with one another and Maddie will only get bigger because through your grief the power of love and true understading of love has grown immensely.

Do not doubt that Binky will get what she deserves from her Dad and Mom plus more.

I think that sometimes all parents inevitably compare their children and they don’t always stack up. But it’s OK to feel that way b/c they measure up in new and different ways. It makes you feel guilty b/c Maddie isn’t here anymore but I think it’s OK to just let yourself feel whatever it is you feel–just maybe don’t express it to Binky (like, your sister NEVER projectile vomited!). I think you’ll find Binky is different than her sister in a million ways, both good and “bad”.

Go ahead and be anxious- it’s normal. But let me reassure you that when that moment does arrive and you hold that new baby in your arms, you will have no idea what you were worrying about. I promise you.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..From The Past To The Plastic Present =-.

Heather says:

It is so natural to compare your kids and the ways they are both different and the same. This is what humans do; compare and contrast… it doesn’t make one better than the other. Take joy in the similarities (DNA is amazing!) and joy in the differences. You will always miss Maddy and Binky won’t change that.

Jeff says:

My sister and brother-in-law went through many of the same feelings you are having, though their situation was a little different. They found out late in their first pregnancy that the baby would have severe birth defects and not be able to survive, which while incredibly painful also prepared them somewhat for what was to come. It was heart-wrenching to see.

While not pretending to know you, you obviously had time with Maddie before she was gone, which probably made the loss even that much more painful. I can only imagine that pain, and you certainly have my sympathy from the outside as a stranger.

They have since gone on to have 2 healthy daughters, and have a very happy family. They often think back to their first child, of course, and the pain is never totally gone….but each new day with their daughters brings new smiles, new laughter, a bit of healing each and every day.

I wish you all the very best. I’m sure you will have many happy days ahead of you, with the pain of Maddie’s loss never completely gone of course, but tempered by the many joys you will have with your new child. God bless.

Jeff says:

Also, sorry about the inane question on Twitter the other day about what you were having. Had not checked the blog in recent months, having been gone from Twitter for a while, and had not taken the time to catch up as I should have. Bumbling, insensitive question on my part, though no disingenuousness was intended.

My thoughts are with you as you embark on this new journey. You are entitled to all those emotions you are dealing with it. My heart goes out to you. I am excited for your family and can’t wait for you to meet little binky!
.-= Rosa´s last blog ..Ice cream and Elmo =-.

I think every expecting parent, weather a new parent or an ‘experienced’ one feels the similar emotions to the ones you guys are experiencing. I think with your 2nd child you always wonder if you’ll love the 2nd one the same as the 1st, things are different but the same too.
You are going to be an amazing dad to Binky, and she will love you unconditionally just like Maddie.
.-= Jess´s last blog ..Day #21/#365 =-.

Kayley says:

Dreams are just a random firing of neurons in the brain, don’t take them too seriously. You will love Binky just as much as you love Maddie. I think it’ll help if you talk about Maddie to Binky when she’s born, you two have dealt with so much and have such amazing and empowering strength. You can do this

Amy Collen says:

We went through these feelings a bit too with the birth of our third son Frank. I was worried about the loss of our other son Noah and how I would feel about our new son Frank. Strangely enough, I found myself almost calling him Noah and had to correct myself. This was interesting itself since my dear Noah only survived for 6 days (and he passed away 2 years before). However, now I only get his name confused with his other brother Sam. This will probably happen to you a lot (you may say “Maddie” instead of “Binky” or “Binky” instead of whatever her “A” name is :). Don’t worry about it though. It is completely normal. Also, the love will be there. It happened to me as soon as Frank was born. I was worried somehow there wouldn’t be enough love somehow. That wasn’t true at all. It’s there. I think it is a natural biological thing. You both are great parents! You are also human beings too. Give yourself a break and take things one day at a time. Just know that good friends are always here both near and far away :).

Glenda says:

When you hold Binky you will know what true unconditional love is once again. Binky will be special to you in her own unique ways. Binky will have a piece of your heart and have you wrapped around her lil pinky the minute you hold her. I can’t wait to hear all about Binky and the moment you held her in your arms. I can’t wait for you and Heather to have that joy and love once again.

Maddie will always be a part of your life… hold a piece of your heart as well. I hope you enjoy every minute of every day to the fullest.

When I had my 2nd (a girl) I realized that you can love over and over again. Unconditional love is amazingly beautiful.

You and Heather will feel that the minute Binky is born. Be strong and can’t wait to hear all about Binky! Sending you both hugs! XXX you guys are amazing!!!

Your heart is big enough to love so much. I have no doubt that you will LOVE and cherish Binky just as much as you love and will always cherish Maddie. Can not wait to see Miss Binky. Thinking of you all constantly.

Meg...CT says:

I promise you that your heart will open a little wider to let in another person. You will not love your girls the same, for they are different. But you will love them both totally and completely for who they are.
I can’t wait for the day that you and Heather hold your hearts in your hands once again.
Peace.

I know your heart is big enough for two. You’ll love Binky for who she is. I know you have your worries and that is totally understandable, but I’m not worried on your behalf at all. You’ll do wonderfully, of course!

Krissa says:

The enormous love you have for Binky shines through in the words you have written so brightly, so unconditionally and so honestly. The very fact that you are already and have already been taking into consideration these things makes me believe that you will never, never feel anything for Binky other than the deepest love and you won’t compare your daughters in any kind of way that would diminish your love for either. I know we don’t know each other personally, but I truly believe that with all my heart. You are an amazing father and Heather is an amazing mother. And it is because of the love in your hearts that you are such wonderful parents. Nothing can change that or take it away. Not even physical death can end love like yours. Maddie is smiling on you, Heather and Binky right now – and her little friend Rigby too! I just know it. (((Hugs))) and love to you guys. Can’t wait to ‘meet’ Binky!

I think every parent wonders how they can share their love with another child. Your situation is different yet similar. There’s plenty of love in the both of you and Binky is going to be proud to call you her parents.

Each child is their very own being for you to discover, marvel and delight in.

The thing about love, even when your heart is broken, is that it will expand and grow and fill the space. It will come when it is time and you will wonder that you ever doubted it.
.-= The Editor´s last blog ..Potty Talk =-.

I love, love, love that you two share so openly and honestly. I think your sub-conscience was just working through things via a dream. Don’t worry: lil Binky will instantly become her own unique person as soon as you hold her/see her. And there will be those times when she does remind you oh so much of Maddie and there will be those times when she is so uniquely her you’ll wonder how you ever thought she was like Maddie…that’s just how siblings are. She is so very blessed to be born into your family~what a special lucky girl she is!!!
.-= Mary´s last blog ..A Day of Firsts =-.

Aimee says:

I know how you feel on so many levels. Will would have been just over 2 years old and Julia is almost 1. The love we have for Julia will never replace what we feel for Will. It is just different. Your heart and soul have enough love for both and you will be amazed. You will see. You will rejoice. You will love. You will live again.

I cried all the way to the hospital to have my second baby. I felt awful for “cheating” on my first. I didn’t think it would be possible to love number two as much as number one, and I felt just as awful about that.

The moment they handed her to me, all was right in the universe. I loved them both and I have since found out, I have plenty to go around.
.-= sandi´s last blog ..let me explain =-.

I’m willing to bet that there will even be a point where you will look at Binky and think “I wish Maddie had had such lovely straight hair” or something like that, but don’t feel guilty about it. Its natural to compare and contrast them; its something I (and I’m sure all parents) do all the time.

Dearest Mike, I know I am not as mentally capable as you and your lovely wife as far as a lot of things go. I had a hysto, so as not to pass on my crappy genes. All my “kids” are chosen. And one sticks out with this post so much that I couldn’t just leave it be and not comment.
Amanda came into my life almost 4 yrs ago when I moved to KS. I went through the steps to legally adopt her and we got to where I got her birth certificate with me under “Mother’s Name”. It felt so wonderful. Then she ran and the adoption couldn’t be completed. Her Mom had passed a month before God led our paths to cross. Her first son Trevor was around 3 mos by the time the adoption was to be done. Her boyfriend at the time kicked her in the stomach and she took Trevor and walked out. She never made it to me with him. The state snatched him and instead of helping her, they told her she had to live independently and couldn’t reside with me. We did visits and then she got Pregnant with Tj. They told her that if she didn’t sign her rights to Trevor over then they would take her second son upon his birth (they did any way but gave him back at 3 days old) She was scared and saw all her other friends losing their kids (I really wish someone would help the people here, this is a baby snatching town, but I digress). I was Trevor’s main care taker and was very attached to him. The new adoptive parents were very open with us and sent pictures of Trevor till about 4 mos ago. Tj is his brothers mini identical me. (we no longer get pictures because we sent the adoptive Mom pictures of Tj and we can only imagine she is feeling guilt because he looks so good? I don’t know. Again, I digress. Its just part of the story) In my case, I don’t know what caused it, if its the autism, or the way Amanda treats me (horribly) or what but I found it hard to bond with Tj. I love him Dearly but it is different. His personality is nothing like what I knew of his big brother. His brother was verbal (I called him “Chatters”) Tj is more quiet. He isn’t Trevor and with the way Amanda acts, I guess I am afraid it will happen again.

I Pray for you guys so much.

With my little adopted nieces (no blood relation here either) I love them all so very much. Boogie was here yesterday, Peg is with me today and I just enjoy each of them so much. Oddly, they all look like Trevor and Tj (though we don’t think there is a relation) K the girls mom screamed at me for having pictures of Boogie as a baby before I had met her and I was like, Uh dude, that is my Grandson. And same with Amanda, they can’t tell the kids apart but the love is no problem here for me. I know they won’t be taken from me in the sense that Trevor was. Even when they lived out of state I got to see them. I guess what I am getting at, is a major loss caused me to buckle and shut my heart down and my major wish was that Tj didn’t look exactly like his brother because its a constant reminder of what isn’t.

I admire you and Heather so much and I am glad you share so honestly. I feel less like a horrible person and more human. Being a shut in (I am doing better. Vry proud of myself) I only have my internet blogs I read to learn from. Also… well, there was another case of deep deep love and loss and another look alike and that was hard too. I think though since you guys are so normal and stable, even if Binky is the spitting image of Maddie you will do great. I FEEL this strongly. What helped me was to verbalize to Tj. I would say stuff like WOW you look like your big brother, I bet if he were here you boys would be turning my house upside down, or something like that. It helped to talk it out with the baby. I find that I try/tried harder, not to miss mile stones, get more pictures, cling a little tighter. Its not going to be easy if you feel like I do though I will Pray that you will know better how to cope. Much love to you and your family. I am excited for your newest addition, I hope you immediately are able to call her “the famous- insert name here” because really, she already has that in common with her sister, she is a super star. I was led here the day Maddie became an angel as I bet many many more were so Binky is already starting out with her very own fan club. Ok. I will stop, I know this got very long. Best wishes to you all. Especially Praying for Heather and getting through the birth safely. I hope every one has that Prayer in their hearts and realize that it truly is needed, that her uterus needs to do its job after letting the little Binkster out. I Promise not to forget you all in my Prayers now and later. xoxo, Kandi Ann

From a mom who has walked a similar path. You WILL love Binky and that love will come pouring out of you so intense your chest will hurt as much as it hurts for your loss of Maddie. You will be pleasantly surprised. Binky will never take Maddie’s place but she will heal that hole just a little. It will be amazing and terrifying. You will feel love like you didn’t think you could again, and fear as intense as any. But as the days and weeks and months with your new daughter go on, you will be grateful for her role in your lives, different from Maddie’s role but just as important.

Your anxieties are real and based on an obviously unique situation, but ALL parents about to have their second child feel a lot like you do now. There’s just no way to fathom how you could possibly love another child the way you love your first. You can and you will, and all of the hurt and loneliness for Madeline will be in its own compartment, still valid though you’ll be head over heels for Binky.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Dining Room Disaster =-.

SJ says:

I think this post is very brave and very honest, as many others have pointed out. I am almost certain that these fears will not play out in real life, and that once she is in your arms they will melt away. I am soooo excited for Binky’s arrival…can’t wait!!!!!

Julie says:

Heather and Mike,
I found this blog a couple of days ago and have fallen in love with your beautiful daughter Madeline. I can honestly say that I understand what your going through. My 17 month old daughter, Molly, passed away in June of 2008. We now have a 9 month old, Megan. I know that having a new baby will bring about new levels of grief – the missing her big sister, the imaging your family as whole. The assumption from others that this new birth will somehow help you “move on” from Madeline – I think that is one of the hardest aspects. You know in your hearts that Maddie is always with you and that you don’t just “move on”, but it is so very hard for people who haven’t walked this road to understand. I can also tell you that Binky will bring you such joy with her joining your family. She won’t replace Madeline, she will hold a new place in your heart and you will love her so, so much. I know how bittersweet it is. When I was pregnant with Megan, I would pray that she would look like Molly, that I would get glimpses of Molly, I thought it would make me feel closer to my angel. But here and now- I am so thankful for all the parts of Megan that are just her, I am so glad she has come to be her own self. Granted, I am always happy when Megan lets me catch a glimpse of Molly.
There are so many other things I could tell you, but trust me when I say that Binky will know she is loved and that when she arrives, your world will become brighter and the fear will ease up a bit. I know that no matter what I say, it won’t make sense until the day Binky arrives. Until then, my heart is with you. I’m so glad I found this gorgeous blog.
-Julie W.

I remember when I was pregnant with my second child, right before he was born, standing in the shower and bawling bceause I was so afraid that I had ruined everything by having another child. That loving him and gving him attention would be taking love and attention away from my daughter. I already knew my daughter, and loved her with every ounce o fmy soul – I did not know my son yet and in some ways i resented him for the fact that he would be taking anything away from my precious oldest child. it was terrifying and guilt-ridden to feel that way. And it was also needless. When my son arrived a whole new soul opened up to love him. There was no sharing or love being taken away from one and given to the other – it simply multiplied until there was enough for everyone. You will have this too. And while your situation is obviously different, you will find that there will always be enough roo and enough love for both Binky and Maddie, and you will love to compare not only their similarities but also their differences. Best of Luck!

Devon says:

I asked myself that same question when we were expecting our second daughter. The answer I found was that, as your family grows, your heart does too. You will love Binky as much as you love Maddie. You might feel that you couldn’t possibly love another child as much as you love Maddie, but you can and you do. I made the mistake of expecting a clone of my first and every day they prove to me how different they really are. You will be a great father to Binky as you are a great father to Maddie. I’m sure Binky will love you very much. There is, in my opinion, a very special bond between Fathers and Daughters. Try not to be afraid, enjoy this time. I’m sure Maddie is looking in on you two and I bet she is as excited as you are to be welcoming another baby into the family. Best Wishes.

You and Heather are wonderful parents, some of the best parents I’ve ever encountered, and I say that even never having met you. Your love for your beautiful daughters shines through in everything you say and do. This feeling is normal, even for those of us who haven’t suffered a devastating loss; you will find that Binkie will make her own place in your heart immediately and effortlessly upon arrival. Our hearts have an amazing capacity to love, sometimes going beyond what we imagine we can hold or endure. She’s going to be her own beautiful, special, wonderful person… she’s going to be your daughter. How can she NOT be?
.-= Kristi of Million Dream Mom´s last blog ..storage solutions =-.

I am so excited for you two. Anxiety is normal but it will all melt away once you look into Binky’s eyes for the first time. No, she isn’t her sister but you will love her in her own way, no more, no less. I have two daughters who couldn’t be more different from each other. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I loved my first daughter but Molly surprised me by teaching me that my heart always has room to grow. Can’t wait to “meet” Binky
.-= Rachel´s last blog .. =-.

Amy Wash says:

Let me just say— the moment will be filled with joy and sadness. For me, the birth of my son celebrated what was, while I quietly mourned what wasn’t. If it wasn’t for Anna, there’d be no Sean. And now almost 2 years later a life without Sean is unthinkable. We have gone on to a second child- another beautiful son! But all through I thought I’d have my daughter. When I didn’t it was a bigger blow that the first time. With Sean, it was all about a healthy baby. With William we were hoping to replace what was missing. But we now realize that Anna will always be missing no matter how many we have. We now embrace her memory, share her when it’s appropriate and know she has made everything that came after possible.
Peace to you both on a wonderful roller coaster of an experience. Know there are people thinking of you and sending the good energy

That you acknowledge the thoughts means that your conscience of it so I have no doubt you’ll be able to love Binky fully. I was the daughter born after my parents first child died of SIDS and my parents were never able to love me the way that they loved her. Some 45 years later, I’m still the “replacement” my mother never wanted. I have no doubt that your Binky will not be saying the same thing when she’s my age.

rachel says:

When I was little, I asked my dad where kisses went. He told me they went to your heart. I asked him to not kiss me so much…I was confused, because I thought my heart would fill up and I wouldn’t be able to get kissed anymore! He told me that your heart never gets “filled up” so much that you can’t love another person, or get another kiss.

It was a silly explanation, but its true. I know that your heart, just like Heather’s, will expand…and that Binky and Maddie will each have their own place.

That’s a GOOD dream, Mike, and to a large extent, pretty normal for this stage of the game. She will be different, all kids are, and all parents freak out about #2. Yours, understandably a harder freakout, but when you meet her (today? tomorrow?) (also, SQUEE!) you’ll be in the daddy #2 club. You’ll see something that there aren’t words for, and that’s what your second child does to you. No other child does what #2 does, no matter how many more you have.

Mike, so wonderfully said (as always). I’m trying to tread carefully here so as not to dismiss at all what you feel or to even hint remotely that I understand (because I’ve never lost a child).

I honestly did have similar fears when my second was born. I loved my first son so intensely that I wondered how on earth my heart could possibly find room to love another one. In this world of yours where NOTHING is normal I think I just wanted to point out that this fear, while likely much more intense for you and Heather, really does seem to be fairly typical when the second child comes along.

The most important thing, though, is that you Spohrs are the most amazing people I’ve ever encountered with strength, honesty, and love that never ceases to amaze me. Binky will be loved exactly as she is meant to be: uniquely and without measure.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Little Einsteins =-.

amy says:

When pregnant with my girls I was terrified I could not love them as much as I loved my first born son. Trust me, when they put that baby in your arms you will wonder how you ever doubted your capacity to love another

So great to hear from you. I feel like you are right on target with dreams and figuring this out all again. As far as I know you were an awesome Dad, allow that to happen again, it will be like getting on a bike that you have not ridden for a few years…for the first few seconds a bit shaky, but then right back to how it use to feel. Binky will bring you all the love and help you need. As much as you love her, she is going to help you heal. Not change, just heal. It will be bitter sweet as you will be able to relive so much of Maddie as an infant…remember all the good and just enjoy your last few days with Heather. I CAN NOT WAIT!!!
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding =-.

christie says:

Tina says:

I cannot, and hopefully will not ever have to, imagine the pain you and Heather have been through.

What I do know is that you have been, are, and will be AMAZING parents.

You both have changed the way I appreciate my own children and deal with stressfull situations with my kids. I have a new gratitude for what I have just by reading about what you have lost and how you have coped.

I have no doubt in my mind that you will love your beautiful Binky as you loved your breath-taking Madeline.

I agree, she will be binky. She will be Maddie’s sister but as much as you will compare she must have her own life. You will teach her who Maddie was, the sunshine in her smile and the stars in her eyes. I am very excited for you and the love will just be there, don’t ever worry about that.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..DEBBY WAS IN THE KITCHEN AGAIN… =-.

It looks like you got your wish – there wasn’t too long to wait at all between this post and the wonderful news of the next one.

Everyone else has expressed my thoughts too. You will see Binky as herself. She’s your daughter, and she’s Maddie’s sister. You’ll tell her about Maddie, and you’ll always love Maddie, but you won’t feel dissatisfied with her because she’s not Maddie.

You’ll notice the differences and the similarities. And then there will come the time you realise that she’s gone where Maddie never got a chance to go, and you can only guess what Maddie might have looked like or done at that age. And your heart will ache for Maddie, but you’ll never ever find yourself thinking that you haven’t got enough love for Annabel.

Yay yay yay. Congratulations again!! And try not to worry, the very fact that you are able to identify those feelings and how you want to proceed leaves you heading in the right direction already. *HUGS*!
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday Diptych #6: Water =-.

Pam says:

Debbie says:

Wow. I found your blog last year through mattlogelin’s and have been following your pregnancy…congratulations to the both of you on your 2nd beautiful baby girl. Maddie would have been such a happy big sister and she’s watching over you now. I pray for continued blessings for your family!

Ah yes! The waiting of the new arrival. The preparations for this moment are so exciting, but there is no way to understand the sheer joy you feel once your baby arrives. Enjoy and great luck to you!
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Bridgestone Motorcycle Tires =-.