Wednesday, 30 May 2018

Ten Things NEVER to Say to Someone Who Doesn't Have Kids || Guest Post

As someone
who has been diagnosed with 'unexplained infertility' – which basically means
no-one knows why I can't conceive – I've had my fair share of questions and
comments from people wondering why I don't have kids yet.

People
don't have children for many reasons. Some can't, others don't want any. But
whether someone is childless by choice or by circumstance, it's never ok
to say any of these things to them...

When people
find out that I'm 34 and have been married for six years, more often than not
their first question is, “Have you got any kids?” It's an innocent question but
when I say no, the next question is usually, “Don't you want them?” to which I
take a deep breath and answer yes, of course I do. Most people will sense my
tone at this point and decide not to push it any further, but some are
oblivious and keep the questions coming: “So WHEN are you planning to have
kids? You're no spring chicken, y'know!”

2.
“You'll change your mind when you're older!”

Some people
don't actually want kids and that's fine. What's not fine, however, is thinking
you know their mind better than they do. If someone tells you they're childless
by choice, the correct response is simply, “Ok” - not “You just haven't found
the right person to have kids with yet” or “You'll feel differently when you're
30!”

3. “You'll
understand when you have kids.”

It's insulting
to tell a woman she doesn't understand something because she hasn't pushed a
baby out of her hoo-ha, especially when that's beyond her control. Even if what
you're saying is true and it's something only another parent can relate to,
your comment is not helpful at best and downright hurtful at worst.

4. “You
don't know real love until you have a baby.”

Wow. Just
wow. There are no words for this one. If someone actually said this to me, I'd
just turn around and walk away.

5. “You
think you're
tired? Wait until you have screaming toddlers like me!”

Parent logic:
I am the tiredest person in the world. 'Tiredest' isn't even a real word, but
I'm too tired to use real words. If you don't have at least one child, don't
even think about complaining that you're tired. Tiredness is reserved solely
for parents of young children, didn't you know?

6. “Well, you don't have kids, so your
opinion doesn't matter”

Admittedly, not many people are this
rude, but this comment was actually made to my sister (who's infertile and
desperate for children). Someone at work made this remark because she dared to
offer advice to someone else (who asked for it) who was having a problem with
their son. A third party who'd been listening to the conversation butted in
with this corker. She spent the rest of the day locked in the toilets in tears
and eventually got sent home.

There's also a plethora of stupid
things people come out with when they find out you're battling infertility.
Sometimes it's because they feel awkward and don't know what to say. It could
also be because they want to offer help. Whatever the reason, if you find yourself
opening your mouth to say one of these things to someone who's just told you
they can't have kids, just say “I'm sorry to hear that” instead. It'll save
both of you a lot of embarrassment.

7. “It
WILL happen, I just know it!”

In their
defence, the people who say this are usually just trying to cheer me up and say
something positive. But it's their certainty that gets to me the most. Are you
God? You can't possibly say that it'll DEFINITELY happen. You don't know what's
wrong with me - hell, the doctors don't even know what's wrong with me.
If it's all the same to you, I'll disregard your blind optimism.

8. “Just
relax and it'll happen! You're too stressed. Go on holiday, have a drink or two
and you'll come back pregnant!”

Newsflash! That's
not how infertility works. Oh, and I don't drink. So telling me just to get
drunk and it'll happen is inane. Advice like this is why I'm stressed.

9. “My
friend was trying for ten years with no luck...but now she has five kids!”

People always
like to tell you about the exception to the rule. A friend of a friend who was
told they'd never have children and now has a small army of the little
critters. But these people are just that – the exception. That story about your
friend doesn't make me any more pregnant.

10. “You
just need to practise more!”

I know
you're trying to lighten the mood by making a joke, but when you're constantly
having sex (even when neither of you feels like it) in the hope of conceiving
and still getting your period month after month, it's just not funny.

If you don't
have kids, what are some stupid comments you've received?

2 comments

I had someone be sarcastic to me one day when I was explaining about being late because I set my alarm wrong. It's annoying just because one person doesn't have children doesn't mean they don't have a right to be stressed or be tried etc we are all different and have different issues etc People are so judgey. I'm not saying that having kids isn't hard and that my life is harder I'm just saying a life for people without kids has it's problems too. I wish you all the very best and thank you for sharing your experiences.

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I'm Aimee, 27 years old, and still waiting for my Hogwarts acceptance letter. I dream of turning my house into a library; one bookshelf at a time. If not found with nose in a book, please provide a book.