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More than ever perhaps it's become clear to that the road to recovery isn't going to be an easy one. And I'm just talking about my mental health, it's been a struggle truly, but the past week it has felt like I've made the right steps in the right directions. So when I found myself knee deep in melancholy recently I really had to decide between a burst of incredibly self-destructive impossible, and simultaneously rational lucid, thoughts. I made it through by consciously deciding to go with the rational side of things. Slowly things came together and the seemingly distorted picture of my life got a bit of clarity.

These battles are happening quite often, I have to ask myself am I strong enough for this, do I even want this any more? I get through them but the answers aren't always crystal clear. I still don't know where my weight loss is going, major weight loss success stories or transformations give me anxiety now I just genuinely don't think I will …

I watched the first episode of the Netflix show Stranger Things, I'm already hooked. It'll be a nice diversion from things. Today I also went to see the kidney specialist, that was a mixed bag. It's going to be a bit of a long stretch before any definite answer is given. Right now things aren't looking terrible, there are quite a number of factors that could have lead to the way my kidneys are reading the way they are, one being that antibiotic I was taking for my skin condition for such a long time, my once higher weight and high blood pressure going undiagnosed and so severely high. Still isn't exactly alarming, also my urine test proved fine as well. We are going do some lab work, an ultrasound of my kidneys, and some other things in the coming weeks/months.

Ive decided to stop reading Waking Up afterall. It turns out that it wasn't really bring me closer to spirituality, just telling me how wrong all the religions have been in their teachings, and that's not what I was seeking. I have started reading Peace Is Every Step instead and have already taken a liking to it. Yesterday I did my dumbbell workout and though I still struggled and huff and puffed through it, it was 5% easier than the last time I did it.

I had therapy today, went well. I've decided to discuss something major with my therapist next session that I haven't even discussed here which will mark arguably the first time that a rather large sensitive subject as been discussed in therapy before I discussed it on the blog, but I'm finally ready to get it off my shoulders. Unfortunately I don't have therapy next week so it will have to wait a bit longer than usual.

Yesterday I went to the gym, I slightly altered my routine a bit. I did 60 minutes on the treadmill on a 1.5 incline and speed set to 2.5. This equaled out over 2 miles total distance which typically I don't pay attention to, the treadmill said I burned over 500 calories during that walk. My feet became rather irritated and sore towards the end of the walk though and still are today. When I got to the machines I went up on the weight levels from to 10 to 25. While I was on the chest press machine there was this guy across from me on the weight bench, lifting, he was very physically fit and in shape, I did my first set on the chest press and moved on to the leg-extension machine before coming back to the chest press again for a final set. At one point while resting between reps the guy comes over to me and smiles, gives me a thumbs up and nods his head. It was sort of a cool, yet awkward moment. I felt simultaneously proud, encouraged, and self-conscious.

It's been a pretty stressful past week, and I think no one will be surprised with the outcome of this weeks weigh-in with the way I decided to eat while at my friends last week. Last week I weighed 370.6, this week I weigh 371.6. I gained literally one pound. I just sort of ate my issues a bit I suppose.

I found out this morning that an aunt on my fathers side has cancer, the only aunt on that side that I have ever had any kind of involvement with. She's really nice, so hearing the news was quite heartbreaking, and it still hasn't fully set in. She's started getting treatment of some kind today. Obviously this week isn't starting off particularly great. I have no idea how my father is taking the news, I might go see him this week.

It's been over a year now and I've decided to officially call it quits on the book Darkest Evening Of The Year and will pursue something else. I'll likely be reading one of the following Peace Is Every Step, The Art Of Racing …