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8/28/2015 – Day Fourteen.

The past few weeks I’ve been wanting to do things differently. Change how I do things, change how I feel inside. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to put on a new shirt and feel good. Do my hair, get dressed and go about my day. Look out of windows and not wish to be somewhere else. Being in a different place cures your feeling of wanderlust. Today looking out the window, I don’t miss people, places, or things. To be alone with your thoughts is already a lonely place. Today I didn’t feel as alone as I felt before. Today, I got dressed, put on a new shirt, and felt differently. Normal things that people do everyday, that felt hard for me to do these past few months. Today, felt different then when I first arrived here. Today, felt like a new day, a starting over point. As the switch turned off to change my emotions, I watched as it turned back on to start mine over.

I have had such a love/hate relationship with my body but today I didn’t pay attention to those thoughts. I put on a new shirt and shut down those insecurities. Insecurities that manage to stay with me in the day that would last throughout the dark. I want to be honest with people as they feel inclined to be toward me. I want to speak louder than a mumble when I talk. I want to wear a new shirt and not feel guilt about how I feel or look. Accept changes as they come forth toward me. Cut through everyones bullshit, even if it’s just my own. I watch people from the street and notice they don’t care as much as I do. If I could read their minds and see how they tick. If they can scream on the streets, so can I. If they can be so forward with their emotions, so can I. I often wonder how did I become self conscious about my way of being. About my way of life, about where I’ve come from, about everything. Most days I feel like I am gearing up for war and other days I just don’t feel like fighting. I think about the past couple of days, this need to disappear completely. I wondered when was the right or wrong time. I thought about life and death and everything that comes after. I sat and cried and then realized that things can’t hurt anymore, but why do things continue to haunt me. It’s easy to think that in an instant all these feelings could go away. But people don’t realize it’s a process. It will take me longer to get there. It will take years to heal but what does anyone really care. We want shortcuts into feelings and shortcuts into getting rich, but that’s just me.

Today I put on my shirt just like everyone else. I put on my war paint and gracefully went into the battle. Life can be beautiful but on most days it feels like a battlefield and I am not sure if I want to live or die anymore.

-Who are you, Old Man Ghost, and when are you gonna go?
-Will the cold winds of your despair always continue to blow?
-How long must I mourn for those who did not? How long will your guilt endure?
-How many others like me do you haunt, who will never again feel pure?

Back when I was backpacking in France and England, I was used to and forced to be alone with my thoughts A LOT, and I was very self aware. Then the next 7 years I had a partner and friends(ish) and worked, and sorta …didn’t have the chance to be alone with my thoughts. Now I’m back and I find that I’m terrified of my thoughts. That’s Old Man Ghost. He’s the thoughts I’m terrified of. Do you feel that way? Part of me is also happy to have that self-awareness growing acute again. I’ve also been finding ways to make myself a friend. I film myself dancing and I talk to the video for when I watch it later, and last week, I discovered that I can put two of myselves in a video at once, and now I have two me-friends. lol…. /o\