Friday, December 18, 2009

Lost In Translation

Look, we all know that the Redskin’s press conferences and press releases that happened yesterday have a certain amount of bull shit to them. Luckily for you, my valued reader…I have a bull shit detector/translator that I have used to put said “B.S.” into plain old English.

Vinny Cerrato:

"I'm thankful to Dan Snyder and other members of his ownership team for the opportunities I've been given over the years."

TRANSLATION

The biscuit wheels have come off this gravy train, I can no longer brown nose my way any longer.

"I've had the pleasure of working with some great coaches such as Joe Gibbs, Greg Blache and Sherman Lewis, great people on the Redskins staff, and, most especially, some of the best professional football players in the world. I wish them all the best," Cerrato said. "I've also had the privilege of working for a franchise supported by the most loyal fans in the NFL."

TRANSLATION

Jim Zorn is the asshole that got me fired…I gave him the best professional players in the world and he F’d it all up. And to the fans who started revolutions and made signs…you win.

Dan Snyder (on Vinny):

"More importantly, he is my friend, and he has always been there for me and the Redskins," Snyder said. "He's the consummate optimist and has always made decisions based on what would be the best for the team."

TRANSLATION

He’s a decent racquetball player who was crazy enough to think we could win with that offensive line.

"Obviously, Bruce has got the authority," Snyder said. "And when he makes a decision, the club makes a decision, it's a Redskins decision. ... I've not been as involved as people may have thought. In terms of the future, obviously we're going to be counting on Bruce to help lead the way."

TRANSLATION

This mess is Vinny’s…not mine. Moving forward Bruce will make the decisions (after I tell them what they are i.e. Shanahan.) The decisions will now be made under the new codeword “Redskins” decisions.

Dan Snyder (on Allen):

"Bruce Allen is the personification of an NFL winner," Snyder said. "Our fans know his heritage; we know his abilities. He is the right person to lead our club."

TRANSLATION

I’ve gone back to the glory days again…the fans loved it with Joe…my approval rating should rise instantly. I think I’ll wear my belt buckle to the press conference and buy Bruce and I matching ties.

Bruce Allen (on Jon Gruden):

"Well, we don't have an opening at that position," said Allen. "And I have a close relationship with hundreds of coaches in this league, but Jim Zorn is our coach. I met him two hours before meeting you here, so give us some time to see how our relationship develops."

TRANSLATION

I’m going to kiss Jim before I F him. And you guys are all wrong…the Danny wants Shanahan, not Gruden.