Large Hadron Collider stolen by joyriders

Charged with breaking the laws of physics

Swiss police were yesterday involved in a high-speed pursuit after the Large Hadron Collider was hotwired and stolen by teenagers. The gang are believed to have jemmied their way in via a breach in the space-time continuum probably left open by a cleaner.

Police were unable to keep up with the youths as they drove the Collider around in a 27km circle of chaos, pulling handbrake turns and firing off protons at close to the speed of light. One elderly witness was treated for shock after seeing one boy pull down his pants and moon out of the window shouting, ‘Look! I’ve created a black hole!’

Experts believe that during the escapade the boys may have inadvertently created the elusive Higgs boson particle when they crashed into a lamppost, but by the time the police arrived the particle had escaped down a nearby alley.