Reality television is terrible, most people would agree to that, yet so many of us watch it as a secret vice. And it’s no less terrible. Unfortunately one of mine is Bravo’s Real Housewives series. I don’t watch every new episode (thankfully because the brain rottage would be phenomenal). I usually record or catch the series on reruns. It’s all trivial nonsense (it takes me back to the awful drama I witnessed and endured in middle and high school), yet I wind up feeling incensed afterward. It’s all so petty and dumb yet I guess, like every viewer, I am addicted to the drama. And since all my friends are well-adjusted, productive people, I have NO ONE to vent my feelings to on the matter.

Except to you, who made the unfortunate choice to click on this post today. I’ll spare you going over the entire series, and focus mainly on my thoughts on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Let’s dive in!

Warning: Rambling, incoherent rants to follow, with a heavy dose of bad grammer mixed in. Some sprinkling of light profanity is to be expected. Proceed with caution.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

This is my favorite one, though I don’t know why because I can not stand half the people on it!

I was about to give up on this one, but thankfully i love the two new additions. Lisa Vanderpump, Lisa Rinna, and Eileen Davidson are the ONLY reason to watch this series. They are fabulous and fun. Lisa V is wonderfully witty (genuinely “snarky”), Lisa Rinna is fun, funny, and so down to earth, and Eileen is sexy and cool, but highly relate-able. Naturally they are friends, REAL friends, and way to good for the rest of the batch.

I have say my Lisa V. love has grown ten fold. She is so forgiving, even to jerks like Kyle, Brandi, and Yolanda, who tried to smear her and her husband all last year. She came out smelling like roses of course. Lisa Rinna is her long time buddy, and the dynamic between the two is wonderful, light, and fun. They can relate and joke with each other without keeping score. That’s genuine friendship. It was also so endearing watching Lisa’s scenes with her adoptive son Max, and her real concerns that arise from such a dynamic. The scenes where Max wished to discover his heritage and her fears that he may decide to leave her to seek out his biological parents rang true. Max and Pandora showing their genuine love for each other and for Lisa were moments that actually tugged on my stone heart strings. Compare that to the over dramatic nonsense with Kyle whining and crying about her spoiled kids going to college (it’s always ALL ABOUT KYLE), the audience is reminded why Lisa is the fan favorite. Because she is real. She is a kind, loving person at her core who believes in raising her children to respect hard work, yet would never deny them the things they need. Her kids are well rounded, respectfully, obviously loved and love her and Ken back. Likewise for all her ribbing of Ken, they share some sweet moments together, where as Kyle is too busy bragging about how hot and successful her husband is (Yolanda too), but I will get to that soon enough.

By the way, Lisa R. and Eileen seem to have wonderful marriages and families too. Eileen has been open about her experiences as a step mom, but she seems to have bonded well with her step son (again contrast that with Kyle and Yolanda’s crying fits). She brings a whole level of maturity and calmness I’ve not seen before in any franchise, (something Yolanda thinks she does). Like the Lisas’ though she will often joke self-depreciantly about the pitfalls of being in the entertainment industry (and they will be ACTUAL jokes).

Lisa Rinna is my second favorite. She is so bubbly and fun, but honest too. While Eileen is what Yolanda thinks she is, Lisa R. is what Brandi tries to portray herself as (and FAILS miserably).

Now let’s move on to the three witches of this show.

Yolanda can lose me with her Miss Saint edit. Kumbaya? Peace and Love? Please. I’m not an idiot. Her first season in, which was JUST LAST SEASON, we watched her be passive aggressive to all the women, but especially long time friend Lisa V., whom she was more than willing to gang up on that whole season (she was also pretty snotty to Joyce at the reunion). So she doesn’t want “fake Hollywood friends”? What does she think Kyle Richards and Brandi G. are?

Yolanda just hired a really good PR agency to spin her BS. I remember her awful accusations against Lisa’s husband Ken at the season finale. All he did was try to defend his wife from Yo and Co’s malicious slandering. We saw ON FILM he did nothing wrong, yet she accused him of physical abuse RIGHT ON CAMERA, causing a SCENE at a party where all their friends and a camera crew were attending! Then she has the AUDACITY to “Forgive” Lisa for her “transgressions” on this seasons premiere! What transgressions? Because she didn’t attend her stupid self-important painting party for her daughter? AND NO APOLOGY for lying on camera about Ken and Lisa, despite there being NO PROOF WHAT-SO-EVER that Lisa was selling stories to the tabloids!

In my opinion, she is jealous of Lisa V. Why? Because Lisa V.’s husband values her as more than just a trophy Stepford wife. I’ve yet to see proof Yo’s husband David does the same.

Speaking of which, David Foster can miss me too. He is talented, sure, but no one outside of Hollywood would recognize his name, so his self-important attitude is quite laughable. He is as fake as Yo.

Yolanda is considered a member of the Hollywood Elite, so she thinks this entitles her to be the “mother hen” of the batch and it’s her primary calling to lecture and “scold” everyone. Please. Yolanda is former farmer’s daughter turned model, and she had a lot of success in high fashion before marrying one rich old man after another. She was able to live an uber glamorous life style with zero talent (and probably little real hustle) and has therefore been able transformed herself into the perfect Stepford wife. Since Husband Number XX is the renowned and highly talented David Foster, she is under the mistaken belief that his talents are HERS as well. No, sweetie.

You know, I could get on board with her having the good fortune to be genetically blessed, as well as lucky enough to be spotted at the right place at the right time to be signed on as a model, then have the further luck of being liked by all the right, hip photographers and designers of the time, even though I would be very interested to know if she had to deal with certain…indescretions…other models have had to endure just to stay on the A-lists, ahem ; but for her to expect me to buy that she is some sort of naturally born domestic goddess/perfect polly princess with the greatest marriage EVER, and she is JUST the epitome of taste and elegance and EVERYONE should want to be her friend because she is just the FABULOUS YOLANDA FOSTER who DOES. NOT. have FAKE HOLLYWOOD FRIENDS then you are insulting my intelligence, badly.

Face it, Yolanda is only sucked up to because she is Yolanda FOSTER, she is able to live a fabulous lifestyle because she married very well. She has all the time and domestic staff to mold and train herself into becoming the perfect housewife/trophy wife. I don’t buy for one SECOND that her “love” would be happy with her being any other way. She obsesses over her weight/appearance, her home, what her daughters can eat to stay model thin, etc. She works WAY to hard to impress her husband and have everything JUST “SO” for me to buy that their relationship is one of mutual respect or equality. Now contrast that to Lisa V. and Ken. Lisa detractors try desperately to compare him to door mat Greg Leakes, but Ken is self made and very loving/affectionate/protective of Lisa V. An extremely successful man on his own, he was a confirmed bachelor when he met Lisa. After marriage instead of EXPECTING her to play the role of a domesticated “good wife” (a la MS FOSTER), he taught her the business and now they work as a TEAM. And Ken would rush to be at Lisa’s side at the hospital. Again, I think that is one of the reasons Yoyo is so pressed at Lisa, it’s because Yo knows she is bought and paid for, unlike Lisa.

Like I said, Yo isn’t talented, special, or even interesting. She can stop looking her nose down at everyone, since she doesn’t have a SINGLE accomplishment she can call her own without the aid of some rich man.

Now on to Kyle. Vile Kyle. Miss Drama Queen Extrodinaire. An out of work bad actress/former child star who OBSESSES over every little thing and has to make EVERYTHING be about her. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Not to mention what a terrible friend she is.

She is infamous for doing splits on tables at parties to get attention (she’s how old??). She is infamous for screaming and storming out of restaurants. She will spread lies and bring up issues for camera time and an audience. In fact, not to long ago she spent an entire party running around the room after a big fight to tell EVERYONE what just happened. She was the freaking host. I guess you could say she “Heather Dubrow-ed.”

She is such a horrid actress you can always tell when she is faking or “on”, which is sadly about 80% of the time.

She instigated drama against Lisa V., a long time friend and companion, for attention and jealousy. Like Yo, she was so EAGER to believe the worst of her, and would NOT DROP THE ISSUE. Yet it was all Lisa’s fault? All last year she and Brandi, the woman she bullied RELENTLESSLY for a full season even going so far to hide her crutches at a party (WHAT GROWN WOMAN WITH KIDS DOES THAT??) tried to run a huge smear campaign on Lisa V. Now that Brandi has turned on her and is doing the same, Kyle is whining and crying like this isn’t a heaping dose of KARMA!

Brandi is the same woman whom, the very first season she was on, Kyle imidiantly went on the defensive and started to attack (with ZERO provocation). Two episodes in and Kyle was embaressing her kid in front of other kids and on television, making fun of Brandi for BEING ON CRUTCHES, only to later HIDE her crutches at a party that she and her imbecilic sister WERE MOCKING HER at. Brandi, seasons later wound up revealing herself to be just as vile, but at that point the ONLY PERSON who was trying to be her friend was Lisa. Brandi would of course later throw Lisa under the bus, just like Kyle, and I am still waiting hear any evidence that Lisa was a “master manipulator” who “leaked to the press” information about anyone on the show. Lisa, who has more money than those two combined, who lives quite comfortably and is actually busy and happy with her lot on life. Sorry, no.

Brandi turned on Kyle because Kyle deserves it. Kyle is a talentless shlog who is obsessed with being famous and material possessions. Kyle uses people, makes horrible accusations, tells lies, and accesses people based on how useful they are to her (exhibiting all the traits she tried to project on Lisa V.). Brandi is now giving her a taste of her own medicine, and I couldn’t be happier.

Brandi is essentially the Tamra Barney of the crew. She is crass, stupid, constantly wasted, vicious, nasty, and a total trashy slob. She uses and manipulates people with the best of them, then will turn on them. The only difference between her and Kyle is that Kyle is a whiney braggart with some actual money and a put-together family; Kyle’s also usually sober. Brandi did Kyle’s dirty work for her last season, and now has moved on to Kim and is airing out all of precious Kyle’s laundry. Serve’s her right.

However I have to laugh when Brandi runs around making ageist remarks about the other women. Brandi is only a few years younger than Kyle, who is herself only a few years younger than Brandi’s current bestie Kim Richards. So every time she insults one of those “Menopausal Mommas” she is actually attacking her “dear” friend Kimmie. Plus, as Kyle (or maybe it was Lisa) said at the reunion, it’s better to go through menopause than have your cootchie and tampon string exposed to the whole world.

As for Kyle’s sister Kim, I won’t touch that, but it speaks to Bravo’s scruples that they still allow her on the show (guess Kyle wouldn’t have a storyline otherwise).

Real Housewives of Orange County

Truthfully I have given up on the series. It was bad enough with racists and drunken trash like Tamra Barney and Vicki Gunderson, but add the self important Heather and Terry Dubrow into the mix and I am out for good.

Mean girl Heather who constantly tries to act like she is so much more educated, cultured, and classier than the other women, is such an insufferable phoney and BAD ACTRESS I can’t deal anymore. Heather, with her overly botoxed, Joker face, can take her Word-Of-The-Day calender and shove it, especially since she doesn’t know the difference between a thesaurus and a dictionary. I pretty sure classy individuals don’t brag about being rude to waiters, or yack endlessly about how big their mini-mansions are, or how many famous people they “know,” or act nasty and spread lies about coworkers. And Terry, it’s HIGHLY unprofessional to give unsolicited “medical” analysis of people you don’t like. Grow up. You’re over 50 and it isn’t cute. And what a perfect family they have, Terry shows ZERO interests in his kids (I think he even called his very young school aged daughter a “slut.”) KLASSY!

By the way, Terry looks down on blue collar workers. Is anyone surprised? Until the insufferable Dubrows are gone I won’t be watching.

And Heather, sweetie, you were never a big deal as an actress. Having kids and changing your name had ZERO effect on your “career.” You were never going to be the next Julia Roberts. Daddy could only buy your way in so far. Like Kyle Richards, you bring the HAM on board for every performance and you are not cute. You moved to Orange County because there are tons of (better) plastic surgeons in L.A., Beverly Hills, and Hollywood. Only in Orange County are you and your husband special snowflakes. You are a bore. Good bye.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

The ratings for this show is so high, and I have no idea why. Well, maybe one. Her name is Kenya Moore and while her delusions are on a painfully high scale she can be quite entertaining in a weird, train wreck sort of way. And thank god we have Claudia Jordan to throw some decent shade back at the insufferable ME-ME Leakes.

ME-ME is the only one I can’t stand. Between her crass, bully girl behavior, obnoxious donkey braying and grotesque, over-the-top faces that she must make in EVERY SINGLE TALKING HEAD I can’t find a redeemable trait in her! She’s not even a hustler, we’ve seen on tv her agency doing all the work for her. And what does she bring to the table? She isn’t funny, or interesting. She has no taste (just a label slob). She has no charisma, wit, or class. She’s super hypocritical, pressed, and loud. Not to mention all the times she’s shown racial, homophobic, and sexist tendancies. Calling Claudia a “half breed?” Really?? And how did this heifer get a role on Broadway when legit actors struggle? It isn’t from any line readings I can tell you that!

I think I’m ready to stop watching that one too. Heck, I shouldn’t be watching any of this crap in the first place! And how awful are those reunions and Watch What HappensLive? WWHL is just Andy mugging and preening to the camera, while the reunions have been reduced to just a bunch of screaming harpies with Andy pausing to cock his head to the side and make cutesy faces. Andy is an incompetent host. Can’t stand him.

Well, that’s really all I have to say. If you have managed to read this far, congratulations! You deserve a beer (or several) from the finest brewery! Or maybe a cookie. Your choice!

Previously I had posted about my excitement at the new upcoming Silent Hill game, Silent Hills, not just that my fave series was continuing, but primarily because of the names associated with the newest installment. I was over the moon with the announcement of Guillermo del Toro directing, Norman Reedus starring, and impressed with how good the promo, P.T. was. So imagine my shock to find that the fan base by large is already writing it off, before actual gameplay is even shown! Considering how the franchise has been handled prior, I could understand apprehension, or cautious optimism, or even a few critiques based onknown information. But that’s not what I’m finding on fan wiki’s, websites, and forums, since PT previewed!

Again, no game play footage had been seen since I first heard the news (trust me, I scoured the net for ANYTHING Silent Hills). Frankly, the constant negativity is tiring. Get over it, Team Silent is gone. It’s sad, but it doesn’t mean there still can’t be a great Silent Hill game that still embodies the essence of the series (lore, atmosphere, music, etc) while delivering the scares. To whine that every new game isn’t a cardboard cut out of Silent Hill 2 is frustrating as hell. Also, J-Horror isn’t the be all, end all of good horror. Particularly psychological horror. So not having a Japanese team doesn’t mean it will automatically suck.

Now, let me tell you why I am excited based on the information out there, and watch me correct some pressed idiots.

Item 1: Guillermo delToro.Guillermo FREAKING del Toro. Check out his credentials. There is a reason he is celebrated (and not just as a director). The guy’s name is virtually synonymous with quality. And check out his hand with creature designs/effects. Not too shabby.

Seriously, the fact that I even have to say anything other than his name is shameful. You could do far, FAR worse with a director.

Item 2: NormanReedus. “Why don’t they just name the character ‘Daryl’?” says bitter fan boys. Good lord, people need to educate themselves. Norman Reedus is actually a decent actor. Ever heard of a little film called Boondock Saints? Now, knowing the types of roles he normally does (the hardened yet multi-faceted “tough” guy), his character will likely be more like Murphy (or even Travis) than Harry, James, or Henry. And Murphy was a very enjoyable character for me, because truthfully I didn’t care much for the other guys.

Come to think of it, it’s not like Silent Hill had a great cast of protagonists (on the male side, anyway). I know what I am about to say would have gotten me kicked out of the fandom circle jerk if I hadn’t already left, but let’s be honest, James was the only one of the three “classics” with any depth of character (and character growth), and yet he was still fairly bland despite all of the turmoil inside him and around him (I blame terrible voice acting and flat, virtually lifeless lines devoid of realistic emotion – the one major flaw of an otherwise brilliant masterpiece of horror gaming). Harry, of course barely spoke, and had a robotic personality (AWFUL line reading). And Henry wasn’t much better, heck I barely remember Henry, did we even learn anything about Henry? Hmmm, no character development what-so-ever there either. Yet, they are fan favorites. Why again?

Yet Murphy, like Heather, actually got UPSET, and ANGRY, and AGGRESSIVE. There were realistic emotions to the situation around him, and I felt his rage and pain. Murphy (and Heather), felt more human to me. And I anticipate them doing the same with Norman’s character, which he could pull off. Because he wasn’t just birthed to play “Daryl.” But Murphy wasn’t part of the classic series, so we aren’t supposed to count him in the community. *rolls eyes*

Oh, and looky here, he also has experience doing voice work as well.

Yeah, people can take several seats. He isn’t Daniel Day Lewis, but considering the past game requirements, I think he can more than handle it.

Item 3:P.T.“Oh, they’re not talking about Silent Hills at all, just P.T.! They are not excited for the next game!” *sigh* Firstly, thanks so much for admittingP.T. was an excellent horror mini-game that created a good buzz, because I’m about to get to that in a minute. Second, THERE WAS NO SILENT HILLS GAMEPLAY FOOTAGE OR TRAILER YET! The series was JUST announced (as a surprise, as in UNANTICIPATED) AFTER the game was completed. It’s called building up hype. It’s a little marketing tool that’s been around for a LONG time.

P.T. was a success (OVER 1 MILLION DOWNLOADS), and why is this good? Well, other than getting people to talk about Silent Hill again, P.T. was a testament that the team at Konami know what they are doing. Let me elaborate: P.T. scared the pants off a LOT of people, meaning that the team behind it – mainly Hideo Kojima (who also serves as a director on Silent Hills) knows how to make a good horror game. Let me repeat this: the game had ATMOSPHERE, a (limited) STORY, legit SCARES and SCARY MOMENTS. All elements of a good horror game. It was also minimalistic, meaning not a lot of flash and bang was used to distract the player, which is good for this franchise because Silent Hill contains elements of PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR.

It also used lots of puzzles by the way, instead of gunning down enemies. Aren’t a lot of those left in mainstream horror these days. (And it worked!)

Which brings up another argument, WILL this new game be in first person or third? I can not answer that, other than the cut-scenes are obviously third person. I am however so surprised that the fan base is DEMANDING third person only? Why?? First person is more immersive and scarier! Ugh. Ideally, there would be either a mixture or options to switch, but first person is actually great for a horror game AS EVIDENCED BY OTHER POPULAR HORROR GAMES RECENTLY RELEASED. However, it’s at least likely to be mostly third person.

Anyway, grasping at straws here these bitter, pressed fan-boys are.

Item 4: Rumors.Both Akira Yamaoka and Masahiro Ito want in on this project. Considering that Konami has already shown they are willing to put some weight behind this addition, it is very possible that they could come on board. Also bear in mind he worked on Metal Gear Solid 4, and guess who directed that?

In any event, I don’t need to really go on about why having both Akira and Ito on board would be perfect, since both have been with the series since the beginning and had a huge hand in making it so successful (I dare anyone to argue otherwise).

Now, is this a guarantee that this game will be great and do the series justice. No. Obviously something could happen (like it could be rushed) and it would all fall through, my point is why readily bash it when there are so many good things to look forward to?

I will however speak of two things that concern me. Both involve Hideo Kojima, who serves as lead director for Silent Hills. The first being that while Hideo Kojima seems to be generally (and critically) liked, he is also infamous with including way-too-long cut scenes in his games. I don’t mind cutscenes, they have their place, but I would prefer seamless cutscenes like The Last of Us. Too long cut-scenes (especially a series of them) will KILL gameplay and annoy the gamers. Another thing that concerns me that, despite the gameplay and environment of P.T. being excellent (under his supervision), he didn’t anticipate on the game being completed so quickly (a few weeks it seems sooner than he anticipated). My concern is that Silent Hills may prove too “easy” or short.

However, it was largely Hideo that made P.T. into a mini-phenomenon. So there’s that.

Now again, nothing wrong with cautiously approaching this project, or being a bit skeptical based on known information, but being a whiny troll baby isn’t going to help the series.