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online dating tips for the fellas

1) No one in the history of the world who has had a good sense of humour has ever felt the need to say that they have a good sense of humour.

2) Everyone knows that “a woman who takes care of herself” means “no fat chicks.” It also means that you’re a tool. Meet the girl. Get to know her. And never forget that isn’t junk in that trunk, it’s treasure, son!

3) There is a reason why the most romantical stories of all time don’t begin with “Hey. What’s up?”

4) No “negs.” In the name of all that’s good, NO NEGS. Is insulting someone really the way to start a relationship?
“Mommy, how did you and daddy fall in love?”
“Well, dear, he told me I had ‘nice boobs, you know, if you like zucchinis ‘ And, well, I just couldn’t resist.”
“It’s like a fairytale!”

5) Emoticons are like laxatives. Use only when absolutely necessary.

6) Sometimes women have jobs and hobbies and, you know, a need for sleep, and can’t reply to your messages immediately. Berating them for this is not typically a wonderful strategy.

7) On a related note, being belligerent to a woman for not being into you is also not cool. Can’t understand why she wouldn’t be into you? Well, I don’t know, maybe it’s because YOU’RE THE KIND OF GUY WHO IS BELLIGERENT TO WOMEN FOR NOT BEING INTO YOU. Just a guess.

8) Men should not have easy access to photos of themselves without a shirt.

9) Speaking of photos…

< 30 years old – hat backwards is okay (ish.). > 30 years old – turn that sucka around.

Exactly 30? I dunnno. Like at a 90 degree turn?

10) Proper grammar and spelling is not plutonium. You don’t have to avoid.