I was recently reading an article about how the “seven-year itch” has become the “three-year itch.” I am dismayed at the idea that after just three (or even seven) years most marriages dissolve to the point where marital dissatisfaction and lack of intimacy drive people to seek it from someone else.

I am convinced that one reason is because husbands and wives often stop pursuing each other. It’s easy and even natural to back off the pre-marital pursuit once we have captured our spouse in the bonds of marriage. After all, we are no longer attempting to “win” them because we’ve already “won” them. He or she is now mine “until death do us part,” right?

Pursuit = Desire

To more or less of a degree we all want to be pursued by our spouse, because pursuit is a clear sign of desire, and we want to know we are still desired by the one we have given our life to. This need to feel desired by our spouse never stops, even after years of marriage. In some ways it is needed even more after years of marriage.

Pursuit, in the form of being proactively attentive to your spouse’s emotional, spiritual and sexual needs, tells him or her that you want them and that you want to satisfy them.

Pursuit = Commitment

Pursuit says to your spouse, “I would still choose you over any other.”

Continuing to pursue your spouse after marriage will also tell him or her that your pre-marital pursuit was genuine and more than just a game you played to get them to the altar. Your relentless and continual pursuit of your spouse makes it clear that you are in this for the long haul and that you will always want them.

Pursuit = Passion

Pursuit brings excitement and keeps passion stirred up. Pursuit says, “I want you bad enough to keep coming after you until I get you.” Pursuit says that my desire is to be close to you, even closer than we’ve been before in every area of our life together (emotional, spiritual and sexual…).

Pursuit = Pleasure

How wonderfully pleasurable it is when pursuit ends in capture! Pursuit makes capture more enjoyable and rewarding both for the pursuer and the pursued. Intimacy is enjoyed at a deeper level when you know your spouse is eager for it and is willing to do what it takes to make it happen.

What Does Pursuit Look Like?

What does it mean to continually pursue your spouse? Think first of the kinds of things you did when you were pursuing him or her before you were married. Consider too what you might do today, knowing your spouse as you do now, if you had to woo them all over again.

Put a little extra planning and thought into your dates (heck, have dates in the first place!).

Wear cologne and perfume that is your spouse’s preference whether it is yours or not. Freshen it up before you meet or before bed.

Write little notes, texts, or emails to let your spouse know you are thinking of them. Make it sweet or sexy as your spouse prefers.

Next time you are in a store for something else, pick up a little treat, snack or other surprise that you know your spouse likes. Tell them, “I saw this and thought of you.” Even better, “I was thinking of you, so when I saw this I just had to get it for you.”

Let your hello or goodbye kiss linger another 15 or 30 seconds longer than it would normally.

When your spouse is across the house or outside somewhere, when you are both in the middle of doing something else, go find him or her, give a luscious kiss, and walk away without a word. If they ask why, say, “I just needed that.”

Draw your spouse a bath, pour a glass of wine for them, light some candles and lead them to it. Bonus: help him or her out of their clothes.

The possibilities are endless, and as you can see from the list above, it doesn’t have to be something huge or involved. The important thing is to be consistent in showing you are still in pursuit of your husband or wife.

Pursuit will look different for every couple, but the message should be the same: “I want you!”

What do you do to let your sweetheart know that they are still your sweetheart? Can you think of some other ways in which you might pursue your spouse?