Highlights

Dischord Records Offers Free Studio Time to Virgins

Think you got what it takes to something something? Have skills but never had the something to something something? Well Dischord's got something for you. With a li'l help from its friends (Inner Ear Studios and Ruffman Records/Swim-Two-Birds Studio), Dischord is offering free recording sessions at Inner Ear Studio to bands/projects in the DC area who are studio virgins.

Here are three examples of what bands might/should look like, along with studio virgin probability:

1. Bleeding Love on the Empty Canvas (80% studio virgin probability)

2. Topps Trading Cards (95% studio virgins, excluding middle dude)

3. Good, No Great Penmanship (63% studio virgins probability)

Applicants must live in the DC area, play original music, and contain 50% members who are 18 or younger. Because it wasn't indicated, there doesn't seem to be any sex or race restrictions (weird). Sessions, engineered by Hugh McElroy, last only five hours, so you better either be improv-based or you best know your shit. Wouldn't it be funny if all the applicants were noise acts? Man, I'd love to be there to see the look on their faces when a noise act starts playing! They'd all be like "Whaaaa??!!?" Looking at each other in astonishment and shit! Haha! Damn, too bad I have to work.

So the Antipodean, gravelly-voiced, Kylie-killer has decided to form a new band called Grinderman. As new band names go, it's probably better than The Good, The Bad and The Queen, but the personnel doesn't really stack up. When you form a supergroup, you're meant to collect some really tight musicians from other bands and strike out for glory in bloated pretension. However, in his wisdom, Cave has just chosen three of the Bad Seeds and claimed that their new sound would be different enough that it makes no difference.

To be fair, he has a point. Go to their Myspace page (if you're into that sort of thing; personally I can't stand it any longer) to sample a new track entitled, rapturously, "No Pussy Blues." According to this other website I saw, Grinderman will make their debut at ATP in April.

Just in time for Christmas is the perfect gift for sandbox-slumming, wannabe firemen/fire women everywhere... the 1966 Brian Wilson action figure is finally here! Gone are the days when you had to sit, get stoned, and MacGyver a makeshift toy Wilson out of a potato, steel wool, and the power cable from a nearby lamp when you wanted to play rock-star dolls with your friends. You'll be able to bend him into a fetal position, spritz him with water, and sit him on top of your girlfriend's vibrator to simulate the shaking, sweating, neurotic Brian of days gone by. You can channel your aggressions into Brian by making him lose his marbles over the 42nd take of "Wind Chimes," fret over Phil Spector stealing songs from his mind, and generally refuse to record unless the vibes are positive. Really, is there anything this Brian Wilson doll can't do? (Answer: it probably won't get you laid.)

Okay, as far as recent patents go, it's not the most original (this is), but as doll designer (wha?) Mark London rightly states, "Hey, who wouldn't want a little 1966 Brian Wilson watching over their record collection or their recording studio?!" Duh. Everyone loves Brian Wilson, so expect these to sell like little deuce coupes. There is a limited run of 300 dolls that come autographed by the man himself, for the low, low price of $150, while regular "basic" figures sell for 75 smackers. The doll is available at Wilson's official website and at the two remaining shows on the current "Pet Sounds 40th Anniversary" tour, both in New York City:

In other BW news, according to Daily Variety, a Wilson biopic is in the works that has Wilson's approval and song rights secured, with cooperation from producer Mark Gordon (Saving Private Ryan) and longtime band biographer and friend David Leaf. We're just keeping our fingers crossed that the end result surpasses the made-for-tv movie Summer Dreams or Matt Dillon's thinly-veiled pastiche in Grace of My Heart.

Vivendi's Universal Music Group announced last Friday (November 17) that it is suing MySpace, which is owned by one of the world's largest media conglomerates, News Corporation. The infringement lawsuit is seeking damages of $150,000 per infringing track, audio or video. Let me restate that in proper TMT format: UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP, THE LARGEST MUSIC GROUP IN THE WORLD, IS SEEKING DAMAGES OF $150,000 PER TRACK!! AHHH!!!

So let's do some math. According to recent reports, MySpace has an estimated 106 million accounts. To be conservative, let's say only 30% of those accounts are active. Of that 30%, let's estimate a measly 1% of users uploaded one infringing track owned by Universal. If Universal wins this lawsuit, this would mean 318,000 users would cost MySpace $47.7 BILLION. Holy shit!

Obviously what Universal's seeking isn't so much a settlement, but leverage to negotiate. As Jeff Leeds from The New York Times said, "If Universal can win in court, it is likely to gain leverage in negotiating licensing terms with user-driven services — just at the moment that those services are attracting deep-pocketed partners."

Universal isn't sucking up to the user-generated communities in order to get paid; it's using power politics for control. Just last month, Universal chief executive Doug Morris' public condemnation of YouTube helped the group land a sweet licensing deal just before YouTube was sold to Google, and it also recently filed claims against video-sharing sites like Bolt and Grouper Networks. (On a side note, Universal recently worked out a deal with Microsoft to receive $1 for every Zune sold.)

MySpace has already called the litigation "unnecessary" and "meritless," stating that it is in full compliance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Furthermore, MySpace separately announced last Friday that it plans to use a new tool to allow copyright owners like Universal to "flag" copyrighted content, which would then be removed. "We provide users with tools to share their own work — we do not induce, encourage, or condone copyright violation in any way," stated MySpace. What, don't they like confetti!?

In other news, MySpace's content is all produced in sweatshops, but you didn't see that on the political agenda earlier this month, did you? Bullshit I say!

Bet you thought you had the upper hand on EMI, didn't you? You clever little Sony Acid Pro superstar! Well, serves you right — they're gonna one-up your garbage mix of Eric Clapton's "I Shot The Sheriff" vs. Wolf Eyes' "Stabbed In The Face" with an official album of mash-ups by the notorious, world-renowned Go Home Productions.

Okay, so I hadn't heard of Go Home Productions before either. But apparently Mark Vidler must have given those sexy EMI execs some very good cunningulus/fellatio action, as he gets the official "it's okay" stamp of approval for his album of synchronized songs.

The album, the aptly titled Mashed, is set to feature such pairings as Blondie with The Doors, Kelis with Duran Duran, and my personal favorite, Iggy Pop with Peggy Lee. This CD will be different than the "usual" mashup stuff, as it won't be as heavily dance-influenced, a la 2manydjs or Danger Mouse. Instead, it will just be a bunch of songs you already know being played at the same time.

But man, what an awe-inspiring album title. I feel a little ripped off, though, as I was planning on naming my new potato concept album Mashed, and now I'm left holding the bag.

You maniacs! You ruined everything! Damn you, Go Home Productions! Damn you all to hell!