Freshman Is Almost Immediately “Certain” His College Is The Best

Less than 72 hours after his arrival at Rice University, freshman Michael Nguyen is not alone in having strong, well informed opinions about each Residential College. Nguyen says he is confident that Baker is “without a doubt the best college at Rice.”

When asked about the reasoning behind his bold assertion, Nguyen claimed “I don’t know. I just can’t remember a time when I didn’t love Baker. Actually, I can’t remember anything from before I got here, now that you mention it.”

Two of the best colleges here at Rice

“Lovett is definitely the best,” disagreed Sarah Jenkins, Lovett 16’. “Ever since my O-Week I’ve had an unshakeable allegiance to my college.” Though unprovoked, Jenkins defended her college with almost religious fervor. “I will not be silent until all kneel before Edgar Odell Lovett’s beneficent will,” she whispered with her eyes wide open.

Rice Administration disagrees with the use of words like “mind-control” or “brainwashing” and cites the importance of Rice’s ranking on Princeton Review’s list of “Happiest Colleges” as a large source of precious applicants. “We have found that students who are systematically forced to blindly love their college say they are the happiest.”

And who could argue with that? I know that I feel blessed each and every day to wake up at Duncan, a perfect residential college at a perfect university. Truly nothing is wrong and I couldn’t be happier. It’s like I couldn’t feel bad even if I tried…

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