Saturday, December 29, 2012

Witness

Today my life was uncluttered enough that I peed and saw how I wanted to curl up into a ball and die afterwards because of the pain.

Life is usually more distracting. You pee and then you have something to do or think. I guess I had things to do or think after this particular trip to the toilet, but I had nothing that needed to be done or thought.

I think I am out of touch with my emotions. I am an INTP according to Myers-Briggs, which means I think, and I spend a lot of time thinking, and in my head I'm always thinking. Extended analyses of my personality type always tell me that I have no idea what I'm feeling. My usual response is, "I don't see how that's relevant."

So I found myself curled up in bed under the quilt, and the inside of my body looked like ash. To an INTP, this means, "I've got to remember to take the kielbasa out of the oven."

I wrote the whole rest of this post in fragments and got to the last paragraph and wrote that, thereby yadda-yaddaing all the emotional stuff, mostly because I couldn't come up with any more jokes. And I don't know that I can tell the difference between expressing this emotion now versus all the other stuff I've said on my blog that seemed easier.

If you dropped someone into my body and they went pee, they would go to the emergency room. I don't understand how I do it and I don't like to think about it.

I feel like I need a thesaurus. "Terrified" is a great word but it doesn't work when you already know that peeing hurts without further consequence. I've read about post-traumatic stress resulting from chronic pain. Maybe I am post-traumatically re-stressed, but that is just me making a joke again.

But so what? Can't I feel terrified if I feel terrified? Okay, I am terrified.

And it's exhausting. Like, I pee multiple times a day! But there's nothing I can do, and I don't even know why I'm terrified. Is it just that the pain is so bad? I check the kielbasa and the slavish under-animal that lives on my back keeps its eyes wide.

Without metaphor? I won't let myself feel terrified. That's a good thing? Not when you are curled up in bed and the inside of your body looks like ash* and you're not doing anything but you don't know why.

But I will say this for INTP: our rational nature is how I can blog about my vulva in the first place. It is illogical to be scared of sharing my story, and it is of more value to the world to share it than it is of value to me to keep my privacy.

*This is synesthesia, so it's technically not metaphor. Says the ever-discerning INTP.

3 comments:

I had a SEVERE SEVERE case for 9 years. Ruled my life. I'm 80% cured from the work I've been doing the past 11 months. This is real physical pain but it's curable. Please don't discount this, I discounted it 4 yrs ago bc Imisunderstood and thought this theory was saying it's in our heads. It's NOT saying that. Please try. You have nothing to lose:Anamsong.comUnlearnyourpain.com dr schubiner

Thank you so much for your beautiful writing. You have no idea how valuable your blog is to me.There are some things that really helped my urethral pain. a) Calcium citrate. I don't seem to have an oxalate sensitivity (believe me, I've tested and tested) however calcium citrate (400 mg 3x/day right before meals) is still critical for me, and it has to be vitamin D free. These are surprisingly difficult to find online or in stores. CVS brand makes Vitamin D free CC, so try them. It may takes weeks to see a difference.b) New Chapter Every Woman Multivitamin. Only this brand. Has to have a serving of 2 pills/day (not to be confused with the One Daily. These are expensive but can be purchased through various online retailers for half the regular price. Also, try for at least a month. I'm a bit nervous as they've been acquired by a bigger company and I anticipate ingredient changes.c) Neurontin. This does not help for urethral pain as much as the top two things, but there is some benefit for overall pain. Basically various antidepressants or anticonvulsants with do the job.d) Oil. I apply emu oil regularly to soothe the area.e) Rinsing with water as needed.Please, try these out! Thanks.

Me?

I have chronic pelvic pain. Feel free to contact me with any comments or questions at madpeachblog AT gmail dotcom. If you're on Facebook, you can find several support groups there for vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. I've drawn a lot of support from those groups. Best wishes to everyone out there dealing with this pain. I hope there's a bright future ahead for all of us.

Guest Posts Welcome!

If you have a pelvic pain story you'd like to share on my blog, please email me at madpeachblog AT gmail. Your post can be completely anonymous. There are many women out there who would love to hear your story!