December 2008 Archives

December 1, 2008

Monday Night ATS, Bears Recap, & Bikinis

I have a great idea, let's give our practice squad FB his 1st NFL carry on 3rd & 1 at the goal-line against this guy!

Before we hit-up the Monday Nighter, closing out the long weekend with crappy booze, a Turner brother making terrible decisions, and arguably the worst WR-core in NFL history was just not a very sane idea…and because the cats at my crib drank all my good booze this weekend, I was forced to rummage through my ole college trunk to muster out a three-quarters full bottle of Hawkeye Vodka and feel like Lindsay Lohan (and look like Nick Nolte) after an all-nighter.

Why not have Kyle Orton do this at least once at the goaline?

To start, the fact Norv & Ron Turner continue to be employed on the professional gridiron is beyond comprehendible. While Norv allowed a young Falcon team to travel cross country and bitch-slapped his suddenly pathetic squad, Ron was figuring out how to get his newly activated and former Illini-FB into the game plan. And when does he decide to give Mr. Jason Davis his first NFL carry…with the Bears looking to take control late in the 2nd quarter on a crucial 3rd & goal from the 1-yard line Yeah, great decision on that one Ron, up the middle with a Practice Squad FB and the Williams brothers hunkered down against the undersized Olin Kreutz...get a clue Homeboy!

While I desperately want Anquan Boldin this off-season, maybe trading for Packin' Plaxico is more realistic financially!

As for the horrific performance in the passing game, while the Neck-Bearded Wonder was abysmal in the 2nd half, I believe the blame of last night’s debacle should be shouldered by GM Jerry Angelo. For all the chatter about Orton’s lousy numbers in the 1st half (I saw at least three crucial drops), besides Devin Hester, none of the Bears WRs have the ability to actually get open, let alone have the size to provide a jump-ball opportunity on the outside. And considering Hester can only run two routes and needs time to locate the football, he’s still nothing more than a gadget player in my mind.

I like Tight Ends as much as the next guy, but what the Bears need are frickin' talented Wide Receivers!

Seriously, Brandon “Aligator Arms” Lloyd must have a crush on somebody in the training room, Marty “I was really good 10 years ago” Booker is done, and Rashied Davis is the nothing more than a nice 3rd or 4th WR. If Angelo doesn’t convince the McCaskey’s to open the vault for Anquan Boldin or another big-time playmaker, TE Greg Olsen will continue to be underutilized & shadowed by a safety, while RB Matt Forte will be heading to retirement by the time he’s 25 if they don’t get him some help...Paging Plaxico Burress…Paging Plaxico Burress!

JAX JAGUARS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-3)
I know most of you will think this is merely a sympathy play because of my allegiance to Cyclone Sage Rosenfels, but can you really see the Gridiron Gods bitch-slapping the poor-guy again…this time on the Monday Night stage? For all the embarrassment and utter disrespect he has for protecting the pigskin, the agile 6-4 QB has completed 68% of his passes this season and will be facing an overly aggressive Jags defense susceptible to Sage’s specialty…play-action roll-outs.

Only a few things look nicer than Andre stretched out!

The Texans rank 4th in the NFL in total offense and have found a nice balance to their passing game with the emergence of rookie Steve Slaton (774 rush yrds, 4.9 avg, 32 recpetions) and have a much improved O-Line. In the passing game, WRs Andre Johnson (81 rec 1071 yrds), Kevin Walter (14.2, 7 TD), and TE Owen Daniels (48 catches) have the size to cause trouble for a "route-jumping" secondary that bites on play-action and ranks near the bottom in TD passes allowed. With only one solid cover corner (Reshean Mathis) and a pass-rush that has disappointed this season, look for Rosenfels to find extra time on the roll-out to exploit those weaknesses. Especially if Slaton can establish the ground attack early, Houston should be able to march up-n-down the field gaining confidence as the game rolls on and riling-up the underrated Reliant Stadium home-crowd.

How bout my Homeboy Sage Rosenfels not pissing the game down his leg again…Cyclone Power BEEATCHES (not counting ISU ending the season on a 10-game losing streak). And how about MFin Andre Johnson and those mitts? Dare I say he’s currently the best WR in the game...next to David Terrell of course). With that, time to hit-up professional hardwood for some ATS hoops action tonight!

Tonight in Gotham will be the night the NBA World and Spike are introduced to Grandpa Greg Oden!

PORTLAND BLAZERS (-6) @ NEW YORK KNICKS
While D’Antoni has shocked the world by leading a band of expiring contracts and Isiah’s leftovers to an 8-8 record thus far, reality is starting to settle in for a squad simply overmatched at every position…especially after shipping Zach Randolph & Jamal Crawford out of town.

I expect plenty of ducking when the Blazer bigs rise-up!

Check this out, their frontcourt beef currently consists of two PFs that hate to rebound and are allergic to the paint (Al Harrington & Tim Thomas), and another, PF David Lee, overachieving by bouncing around with more energy than Jags WR Matt Jones after hanging out in the car w/ his buddies (just kidding, his dad said the nose candy wasn't his). While the 6-9 Lee has been awesome in D’Antoni’s up-tempo system, he’s been forced to man the middle and just doesn’t have the size or defensive prowess to handle anybody with some skill.

Like Myleene Klass, the Blazers wins have come against the classiest teams on the roundball curcuit!

Speaking of wins, do you know who Spike Lee’s undermanned crew has actually beaten? Besides an opening day victory against the Heat and a Deron Williams’less Jazz squad (btw, both W’s came when they had Randolph & Crawford), the combined record of the teams they’ve beaten is 19-65! On the flipside, Portland is one of the hottest teams in the Association and just beat New Orleans by 15 on Friday and at Detroit by 11 on Sunday. And my guess is there won’t be a letdown with a visit to Madison Square Garden tonight.

Did I even mention who the best player on the floor will be tonight...and no, I'm not talking about you Mr. Lee!

I could go on about the great Brandon Roy (21 ppg, 5 apg, 4 rpg) or how Chris Duhon & Quentin Richardson are actually starting for an NBA team, but instead, I think I’ll just put up another picture of a hottie! BLAZERS BY 11-17 POINTS - BLAZERS BY 11-17 POINTS

Considering Shorty's only hitting 29% from long range, I'm guessing he using this move more in the bedroom!

While J.J.'s lost it, our hottie in heels and yours truly have the swagger to make pool-boys and Vegas pretty nervous!

MINNESOTA T-WOLVES (+10) @ ORLANDO MAGIC
Before you call me crazy for taking the T-Wolves on the road, have you seen who the Magic are starting in their backcourt because of injuries...Anthony "Old man" Johnson & J.J. "Shorty" Redick. The already undermanned backcourt for Ron Jeremy recently lost defensive & 3-point savant Mickael Pietrus & the speedy Jameer Nelson, and will struggle mightily against anybody speed & size until they return.

And tonight...Ole man Anthony J will be asked to contain Mr. Foye...

and lil J.J. will have the luxury of stoppin' the 6-8 Miller!

That's like tryin' to stop these two from acting frisky!

While the Orlando trio up-front are dynamic (Howard, Lewis, & Turk), besides the beast known as Freaky D, neither can be considered a true PF and provide a decent match-up for Minny's perimeter-oriented PF Ryan Gomez (last 5 gms: 14.8 ppg, 11-20 from 3-pt).

December 4, 2008

Thursday Night NFL ATS Spectacular

Lovie was a fool to rid himself of this defensive guru for his ole fishing buddy Bob BOOBich!

And from all reports, it was because Lovie didn't like everybody giving Ronny all the luv!That's like Victoria firing Miranda because her mini-caboose of heaven was making the other models jealous!

You know why you haven't seen this smile in awhile, sure going to Darth Sidious' team doesn't help, but I'm guessing it's because he's realizing he's not that good...and I don't think a short week will improve matters!

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ SAN DIEGO BOLTS (UNDA 42.5)
While the Raiders offense is beyond awful, their defense is better than advertised and will be facing a demoralized Charger O led by Norv MFin Turner! That combined with the Lightning Bolts new D-Coordinator actually getting a chance to shine means I'm rollin' my 401K into an unda play tonight! (Sorry for the shorts posts the last few days, but my white tiger's in the hospital...who knew caviar & alize wasn't good for felions. I promise to redeem myself Homeboys!)

December 6, 2008

HOME OF SPORTS ATS WINNERS

While Greggy G was reliving his time spent in Ames Iowa and showing the Cyclones some luv by going with ex-clone Sage Rosenfels on Monday nights, I too was focused on Iowa talent all week. Only the talent I found was about 60 minutes straight west of Ames in a small town called Carroll.

If you haven’t heard of Lois Feldman, just do a little google search and see what pops up. This 38 year old, cougar-esque married mother of 3 decided two weeks ago that the Hawkeyes routing the Golden Gophers wasn’t exciting enough, so she found her way to the mens bathroom, grabbed a 20-something name Ross Walsh, and decided to let him have his way with her in the handicap stall(more room for position maneuvering)!!

Congrats to Mr. Walsh(on the right), but c'mon Lois, there had to have been someone a little better than that in a crowded bathroom.

Apparantly they were having so much fun that a crowd surrounded the stall and started cheering them on, enough cheering that it drew the attention of a security guard that had to do his duty and fight through the crowd to stop the boning escapade. What makes the story great is that both of them put up a fight with the guard because they weren’t done yet!!!

Poor hubby, hot cougar mommy! Winna, winna, chiken dinna!

Mrs. Feldman was released to her husband while Walsh was to his girlfriend. Then Lois decided to run from her husband as they left the Metrodome…must’ve been looking for someone to finish the job that Ross Walsh started. My point with sharing this story is two-fold…I think we may have found some serious competition for a new Hawk girl and you can be confident that Teasin’ T-Bone always finds the talent, even if it isn’t sports related. Now on to my picks that will give everyone a little more cabbage to donate to the ‘Lois Feldman needs a new house’ fund!!

I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom, but the Dome is the shiznit! Damn white girl out done me!

Cincinatti/Hawaii over 49

The Bearcats put up nearly 30 points a game against much better Big East squads, while the Rainbows luv to put up almost 30 themselves while playing on the island. While this game doesn’t have conference implications, it does have bowl implications and you know that this is gonna turn into an all out aerial attack with year end trick-er-ation. I have no idea if the Bows have the stamina to hang with the Cats, but I do know this one will score as often as Jenna Jameson’s ’95 classic Up & Cummers 17!

The D-Backs only wish they were lookin' at this backside all day after getting burned like yesterdays breakfast!

When I took a deeper look at the Bearcats, I found that Tony Pike has completed 63% of his passes and all the while only losing 5 interceptions all year long! In addition to that, he has two backs with over 500 yards rushing, and two receivers that are going to eclipse the 1,000 yard mark tonight. And lets not forget to mention that he has six receivers that average over 10 yards a catch, now that is what I call moving the chains fellas.

If they work together, I am confident that the Cats and Bows can play nice and make it all work out in the end!

For the Bows, the key has been the return of Greg Alexander at QB, he played in the first game of the year, then made his return against Nevada in late October. Since then he has simply thrown for 10 tuddies and only 1 interception, while having a QB rating that has eclipsed 150 every game except for one. He is also mobile and put up nearly 200 yards with his own feet during that time as well. Points, points, points!!!

December 7, 2008

HOME OF INSIDEPLAYS ATS PICKS

TEASIN’ T-BONE’S PIGSKIN RECORD
NCAA: 17-18 NFL: 11-7 Teasers 12-11

Sunday Red works for Tiger, are you complaining?

So I went on a Ketel One dirty martini binge last night and magically woke up this morning realizing it was Sunday Funday and all I want to do is call Sharky and tell him how all my homeys had enough balls to bet on a Florida team that was a 10 point favorite over the number one team in the land. Other than that, my head is thumping and I feel like I’ve got an Amtrak train set doing circles around my brain and the only thing that is going to cure that is a bloody and the morning line. So lets dig in, and I can assure you these were circled early in the week!

After last weeks disappointment against the Broncos, Favre and the Boyz are looking to rebound, and lucky for them they get the ‘9ers, who have been blessed with mediocrity for the last decade. You know damn well that with a one game lead over the Pats in the AFC East, Favre will not let his team lose focus today.

Grandpa Favre can shed some clothing in the friendly SF temps! Is that a lucky clover for the east sider?

I see a few aspects of today’s game that gets me absolutely excited to give my boy Sharky a call this morning. Starting with the Jets offense, there isn’t anyone on this planet that will tell you it is a bad thing to run the ball well on the road. The Jets happen to get 137 yds/game on the ground when their living out of a suitcase, and they have proven it is a key to their success by already winning 4 of 6 on the road. It makes me even more excited to see that San Fran can’t stop the run, they give up 108 yds/game, which is in the land of mediocrity, but bordering downright turnstile like in NFL land.

My homegirl Heidi has an impressive front line, much better than what the '9ers have provided for Frank Gore

When you look at the 49ers on offense, it is equally as bad as their defense. It’s like the coaching staff just found this vast land of ‘close to decent’ and decided to set up their teepees for many moon. Aside from the fact that JT O’Sullivan has thrown 3 more interceptions than touchdowns and gets sacked 3 times a game, Frank Gore is in the middle of a downward spiral that he doesn’t know how to get out of. His numbers are consistently dropping each week, and playing a tough Jets squad that is 5th best in the league when on the road won’t help matters much.

The Pac-Man is a fighter, and he will be swinging today.

But the stake in the heart for SF today will be the fact that Favre is due for some type of miraculous outing. Yes, he has lead the Jets to recent wins over the Pats and the Titans, but he hasn’t had a 3 touchdown performance since week week 4, and he got shutout last week against Denver. To add more fuel to the fire, he is in warm weather, and Grandpa Green Bay could use any help beyond Vicatin to keep his muscles moving. Jets put up mucho points and win 31-13.

BEST NFL PERFORMANCE
QB Tarvaris Jackson – After standing on the sideline with headset since Week Two, Jackson was extremely efficient and calm leading the Vikings to a victory in the 2nd half after Grandpa Gus injured his back. Completing eight of ten passes (105 yards) and throwing a game leading Tuddie in the 4th, the former Alabama St-star deserves props for keeping the Vikings playoff hopes alive. Call me crazy and a drunk, but because of that one outing & Childress decision to bench him earlier, I now believe he’s gonna be a solid NFL starter very soon.

If though the Crimson Tide's Julio Jones was redonkulous again, I have to give the award to Timmy Tebow!

BEST COLLEGIATE PERFORMANCE
While Bama FR WR Julio Jones is a frickin’ animal & would start for the Bears tomorrow, Timmy T made all the big plays Saturday Night and has a moxy that makes everybody on the Gators better...and I can’t believe how many analysts keep telling me he won’t be playing QB at the next level. While he never be mistaken for the Manning brothers & needs a quicker release, he’ll be starter for NFL playoff team by 2012.

Just like these beads, Duhon was drapped all over A.I.!

BEST NBA PERFORMANCE
I never thought I’d say this, but it’s Chris MFin Duhon. On Sunday in a victory over the Pistons, the former Dukie and Bulls whipping boy played all 48 minutes, spent most the night chasing A.I. around, and still managed this ridiculous box score: 8-14 FG, 3-5 3-pts, 6-6 FT…25 points, 9 assists, 5 rebounds, and only 2 turnovers. If that’s what D’Antoni can do with a kid that had trouble setting his alarm-clock in Chicago, can you image what he would have done with Derrick Rose?!

TAMPA BAY BUCS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (UNDA 39)
Even sitting at 9-3, with a logjam of teams sitting just behind them, tonight’s loser will be in for a Ronny Mexico type of canine battle to make the playoffs. The Bucs dominated the Panthers earlier in the year in Tampa (27-3), but I expect tonight’s contest to be much closer. In Week 6, Jake DelSPAZhomme was picked off three times and the ground attack produced its lowest rushing total of the season, while Tampa was balanced and controlled the time of possession battle.

Just like the Army/Navy game Saturday, I expect tonight's two NFL squads to run, run, and run some more!

Tonight, I expect Carolina to keep the ball on the ground, even if they struggle to move it against the league’s 11th ranked run D, to keep Tampa from playing on a short field. The Bucs dink-n-dunk style has been effective this season, but is not designed to march 80 yards so look for John Fox to concentrate on field position more than tuddies. With the thunder-n-lightning combo of DeAngelo Williams (955 yrds, 4.9 avg, 11 TD) & James Stewart (584 yrds, 4.6 avg, 6 TD), the Panthers will try to wear down the Tampa front and will use Steve Smith more as a decoy than a weapon to keep an extra defender out of the box.

Considering this is Jeff Garcia's wife, I'm starting a rumor that Greggy Gamble is a pillow-biter!

As the Bucs, the loss of FB/RB Earnest Graham is much more devastating they people realize, especially with the unexpected wear-n-rear amassed by Warrick Dunn this season. While Cadillac Williams return from a devastating knee-injury has been miraculous, he’s nowhere near the same player he was prior and still working into sound football shape (2 games: 20 carries, 47 yards, 2.4 avg, TD). While Jeff Garcia has been the captain of the ship atop the NFC South, he’s been inconsistent at times and looked lousy last week against the Saints shoddy defense (9-23, 119 yrds, TD). Especially on the Monday Night stage, look for the Chucky Gruden to keep things short and sweet for TO’s former whipping-boy.

But before we discuss how Villanova will struggle with Damion James relentless-style & the plethora of other Texas bigs...

...or how I miss seeing J Lo just chilling on a box...

...I need to tell ya this is only way Kidd can stop Longoria!

SAN ANTONIO SPURS (-1) @ DALLAS MAVERICKS
With everybody healthy and a underrated bench exposed to plenty of minutes early on, the Spurs are set for a nice run through the holidays. After beating Denver & GST by a combined 52 points in their last to, the championship swagger appears to have returned and Coach Pops has them playing with playoff intensity as they attempt to regain their place in the standings. On the Mavs side, while they’ve played well of late, I just don’t think they have the guns to keep pace with the upper echelon teams in the West. During their current five-game win streak (all w/out Josh Howard - questionable), they’ve beaten the Clipps, Hawks, & an underperforming Suns squad at home, and the lowly Kings on the road…not what you’d call statement wins.

I only know of one person that can consistently lockdown TP!

As for the match-ups tonight, Longoria & Manu will abuse the Kidd/Terry combo in the backcourt, while Popovich finds a away to keep the German Diggler from too many open looks.SPURS WIN by 4-8 POINTS

Just like u don't bring a chick w/ a neck tat home 2 meet mom, u don't open a NBA contest w/ Dee Brown at the point!

While I luv ya Dee, not as an ATS investment if ur starting!

DETROIT PISTONS (-4.5) @ WASHINGTON WIZARDS
The Bad Boys are beyond desperate to regain their moxy after an embarrassing loss to the Knicks, while the Wizzanators (3-15) already know their season is lost and still have to hear about Agent Zero talking shiznit on every media outlet possible. Considering Caron Butler is really their only star (sorry, but Jamison is simply a 6-9 jumpshooter) and their interim-inexperienced coach is experimenting with youngsters & D-leaguers (Dee Brown & JaVale McGee have started for them of late), look for a deep Pistons squad to jump out early and pour it on all-night. Prince should put the clamps on Butler, RIP always is psyched to return to the place where MJ threw him out, and A.I. & Stuckey should have a field day against Dee Brown & a banged-up Antonio Daniels. PISTONS ROLL BY 8-14 POINTS

With that Homeboys, time to open-up the NCAA ATS season!...because who doesn't luv a lil college fun!(READ ON)

But before I walk you thru Gonzaga's game tonight, I have little NBA ATS action to discuss with ya!

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS (-6.5) @ PHILLY 76ERS
Just like Brick Majors in Barely Legal 15, King James & Co. are out to demoralize anyone that lays in their path. And tonight, they get to showcase it on the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network against a team & coach looking less confident than Chris Dudley at the charity stripe. Since losing in mid-November, Bron-Bron and the boys have won nine straight, all by at least 12, and by an average of over 20! While casual fans will assume the best player on the planet has simply taking over, the truth of the matter is he has the deepest squad in the Association who perfectly complement his abilities.

Mo Williams has brought his show to the Land of Bron!

With bodyguards down-low (Big Ben & Brazilian Side Show Bob), a veteran low-post presence (Big Z), shooters to space the floor at every corner (Wally, Boobie Gibson, Delonte West, & Sasha), and finally a legit 2nd scorer (Mo Williams), they’re my favorites to win David Stern’s trophy. Throw-in the fact the superstar appears motivated from all the criticism of his supposed departure and a defensive-minded coach with Finals experience, and I actually think the Cavs have chance to win 70 this year. Oh yeah, did I mention this one’s on national TV tonight?

Unlike this, there haven't been too many smiles in Philly!

As for Philly, after a brilliant 2nd half last year, the huge acquisition of Elton Brand (probable tonight), and the ridiculous extension for Mo Cheeks, nobody in the league has undershot their expectations more than the Sixers. On of the biggest problems has actually been fitting Elton into their system. As a low-post scorer on the block, GM Ed Stefanski forgot to add shooters to surround the double-team magnet leading to a stagnate offense as Thad Young, Iggy, & Andre “Don’t shoot a jumper” Miller are all slashers. Especially tonight with the size the Cavs have to crowd the middle and their overall defense prowess, I expect things to get ugly tonight.

Having Donyell as your only three-point threat is like...

...having Tara as your only star for a summer blockbuster!

I’m not lying…last game Mo “Dead Man Walking if I hadn’t signed that contract” Cheeks actually dusted-off Donyell Marshall because he’s the only one that can space the floor…unfortunately, the festively-plump journeyman couldn’t guard my-azz after a 6-pack of 24-oz. Icehouses and a half pack of Newport Lights. As a result of seeing Mr. Marshall in the box-score Saturday and hearing Sammy Dalembert complaining about PT yesterday, I honestly don’t see how this isn’t a blowout. While the naysayers will say the Cavs played last night, considering their starters averaged just over 27 minutes played in a 20-point home victory over Toronto, I’ll take my chances…CAVS by 15-20

Zaga has more double-digit scorers than she has in her boat!

GONZAGA ZAGS (-5.5) @ WASHINGTON ST. COUGARS
While I don’t believe the Zags are a mortal lock to win it all like the Cavs, I do believe they have as a good a chance as anybody. Losing only a few role players from last year, Josh “Magic Mushrooms” Heytvelt looking to...(KEEP READING & DROOLING) or (TOUCH ME HERE)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (+3) @ CHICAGO BEARS
Just like I knew what to expect from Poison Ivy 2 (terrible acting but the riveting experience of seeing Samantha Micelli on the darkside of Who’s The Boss), the game plans for tonight’s pigskin tilt is more predictable than the happy ending in the cinematic thriller Whoriental Academy 7. I know the so-called “Bears Weather” has prognosticators jumping on the "Matt Forte runs all over the Saints"-bandwagon, but I expect New Orleans to put 14 in-the-box and force Orton to beat them his arm. Unfortunately, the combination of a cold/slick field and a weak WRing-core means the Saints will be able to jam the WRs and make GM Jerry Angelo look even worse for ignoring the Bears biggest flaw this off-season. As a result, the only weapons in the passing game will be TEs Greg Olsen, Desmond Clark, and Forte out of the backfield…and I just don’t think that can match what (Sean) Payton, Kardashian, Brees, & Co. bring to the table.

The Saints will completely ignore the Bears passing game to stop the favorite to become governer...but will it matter?

In addition, with the playoff pressure and the nationwide belief they must run the ball at nausea tonight, no matter how the Saints game plan Lovie will smash the ball all night with the kid from Tulane. Maybe the Saints D is so bad it wouldn’t matter if Kirstie Alley was in the box with’em, but I believe the desperate, playoff-hungry squad can slow the Bears ground attack. New Orleans does rank 20th in rush defense, but is giving-up a respectable 4.1 average to the opposition and should improve on that with the added emphasis I expect.

Kyle Orton can kiss is career goodbye if GM Jerry Angelo doesn't get his azz some help on the outside!

While I believe Orton has the abilities to be a legit NFL signal-caller and was not afraid to audible earlier in the year, with the pressure of tonight’s game and not having the same moxy since the Vikings debacle, I can’t see him changing too much at the line of scrimmage. Throw-in the numerous drops from a receiving core that should look even worse in this weather and a 26th ranked YPA average (6.3), and I’d be shocked if Orton passes for more than 150 yards.

Remember this...I bet (legally of course) it happens again!

...and who says Reggie can't grind out the tough yards!?

As for the leagues deadliest offense, while most believe the Windy City will cause plenty of problems, the Bears secondary is slow, has limited depth, and should have trouble quickly reacting on a frozen Soldier Field. As a result, look for Sean Payton to spread out the Bears with three & four WR-sets enabling a rested Reggie Bush to maneuver one-on-one against a LBer. I’m guessing we’ll see at least ten catches from Mr. Kardashian, including at least two for over 40 yards, while RB Pierre Thomas (last 4 weeks: 311 yrds, 5.4 avg) will continue to impress with Chicago’s D stretched all over the field.

Unlike her wrist, the Saints offense has more than one star!

When Brees does air it out, his options are more plentiful than Alex Rodriguez following a divorce…lil Lance Moore (62 rec, 8 TD) is stronger than most expect, Marques Colston (18.2 avg) has the size & hands to dominate on a jump ball, Devery Henderson (23.9 avg) has sprinter speed, and a pair of TEs (Shockey & Miller- 79 catches) roam the middle of the field with ease. Against an average Bears pass rush that should look even slower tonight, look for Brees to have plenty of time to do what he does best…survey the field, look off the D-Backs, and inch closer to Danny Marino’s record. BTW, do you remember how the Bears made journeymen Gus Frerotte & Kerry Collins (587 yards combined) and rookie Matt Ryan (301 yards) look?

Call me a tutu wearing fool if you like...but I'm right!

In closing, call me hater if you’d like Chicago, but it this ain’t about my friends, my team, or my antagonistic ways…it’s about my MFin mula baby! The Monsters of the Midway don’t have the swagger of years past and have only shown the ability to stop one aspect of a team’s attack…and usually it’s the run. Against Green Bay's balanced attacked they were steamrolled, and while I don’t believe they’ll be blown-out tonight, I do believe that can’t hang with the Big Easy football-firm of Payton, Kardashian, Brees & Co. Sorry Chi-Town, but at least you’ll be pissed-off with a little extra coin in your pocket.

While it took a lil longer in Packerland, just like Grandpa Brett, Tila was tossed after a few seasons for a newbie.

And just like MTV's trying to prove they don't luv Tequila, GB's trying to prove "Rockstar" Rodgers was the right choice!

GREEN BAY PACKERS (-2) @ JAX JAGUARS
Did you see Del Rio's squad in Chicago...they looked as though the last thing they wanted to do was play a pigskin game. And I don't think home-cooking & warm weather will change the fact half the players know their gone after Week 17. As for GB, I know their O-Line is hurting, but the GM & Coach have angry cheeseheads to appease and a talented QB never having the luxury of taking a week off. With tons of talented WRs and a solid running game, Packers roll easily against a squad planning their next vacation.

Final Score: GREEN BAY 30 JAGUARS 17

While nothing is as perfect as Ms. Fox, tonight's frontcourt match-up is close to perfect for the Raptors!

TORONTO RAPTORS (+3.5) @ NEW JERSEY NETS
The Raps frontcourt of Bosh & JO are too talented for Wang Zhi-Jianlian & one of the Lopez twins..TORONTO WINS PUNKS.
Sorry to be so short Homeboys, I forgot I left my yacht in Lake Michigan. Enjoy the weekend and make sure to give Teasin' T-Bone my luv!

December 13, 2008

HOME OF HARDWOOD ATS PICKS

At InsidePlays WE BELIEVE in the luvly ladies, we also believe in covering spreads, but as you can see, sometimes not by much!

Yep, you read it correctly fellas, while I have followed my homeboy Greggy G to the bank with his baller picks(to check out the trifecta from Wednesday, TOUCH ME!), I have focused my weekends on seeing just how many points the college pigskin boys can put up and thinking to myself…I wonder how many of these teams can beat the Lions? That has left me in mid-December with only a TrailBlazer win-but-no-cover last Sunday against the hopeless Raptors. Who, by the way, made it up last night since I was on the coattails of Double G again, CHECK IT OUT HERE!

There are smiles in the 'D', but are they for the right reasons? Automotion girls or AI?

So as I was sitting at the Pistons game last night watching them go up and down like a friggin’ yo-yo, I caught myself grabbing my beer at halftime and thinking…did ‘Sheed even play in the 2nd quarter. The answer is no, and the answer would have been the same in the 4th if it weren’t for the blown lead that got recovered with under a minute to go. And I don’t want to question 1st year coach Curry, but when in the hell is the chop and churn of player changes going to quit so they can try to get some cohesion? When is Iverson going to actually be ‘one of the team’? Why is it that McDyess shows back up and now Wallace plays under 30 minutes and Kwame is picking slivers out of his ass all night? Why is it that they let Danny Granger score 42 friggin’ points? And I catch myself taking another sip of beer, wishing it was a Special Brew, and smiling, cuz I’ve got cabbage riding on this one and Rip finds his way to the corner to hit a baseline jumper to go up by 8…….

I don't know what is going on here, but Curry better get it figured out if he has any intention of playing in May...

….so lets jump right into Teasin’ T-Bone’s Saturday Extravaganza and erase my Pistons let down from last night.

I luv me some good Ashley Judd, please read stalker letter below!

Indiana Hoosiers +16.5 @ Kentucky

Dear Mrs. Judd, I know your Wildcats are on the rise, but there are two things for certain…they will never look as good as you, and they don’t have the talent to run the Hoosiers for more than 16! Can you please send me a photo of you with less clothing for my ceiling? Luv, the mad hatter Teasin' T-Bone

Young talent is never a bad thing, but it is much better in pornos than it is on a college basketball court...

I know that Gillespie puts together the best possible team he can every year, and the Wildcats will be a much improved ball club this year, but this is still a young team that has two options…Jodie Meeks and Patrick Patterson. Beyond that you will find some boys that know how to run and jump, but none of them can be that third option that spreads out a defense.

Looks like Crimson and Crean to me!!!

Even though the Hoosiers are in even worse shape than the Cats this year, first year coach Crean has brought something back to Indiana in a remarkably short amount of time....pride. He, and his players, know that they are going to have more bumps than smiles, but this Hoosier team is the type of team that takes you back a couple decades. Let by Tom Pritchard and Devan Dumes, the Hoosiers aren’t going to wow you with high flying acrobatic moves, but they do know how to play with enough heart and passion to keep them close, especially against a mediocre at best Cats squad. Kentucky wins 78-71.

Sunday Funday in Insideplays-ville, and being an Iowa State alum, I seem to have college football and sexual acts on my mind, let me explain where my head is at…

Well lookie here, we happen to have a weiner, if you take away the bun you will see that it belongs to a certain Auburn president...Now wait a sec, that appears to be Gene Chizik with his mouth open, c'mon Gene, I know you can open wider!Lets see....weiner + open mouth = hummerAnd apparantly when you mix a hummer with a 5-19 head coaching record you magically get a better coaching job surrounded by these Auburn hotties, gotta say I agree with Mr. Chizik!

Now that we have that out of the way, aside from the Crean led Hoosiers squad that had to foul with 12 seconds left, even though they were down by 16 points already, only to go down by 18 and blow my pick, I had a pretty damn good Saturday. Even though I didn’t post it, I threw in a St. Mary’s/Xavier parlay and Pistons pick from my homey Greggy G to make sure that I woke up this morning needing to go to the bank. But we can’t live in the past, so let’s get to today’s action.

The Titans have assembled a pretty good package this year, and it is tough to deny perfection.

Tennessee Titans -3 @ Houston Texans

I have finally admitted to the fact that this has been and will continue to be a magical season for the Titans. Kerry Collins has continued to impress everyone, and their season is becoming eerily familiar with the Warner/Rams and Brady/Patriots situations within the last decade. But what really gets me today is the Titans rushing attack.

One step closer for Fisher and the boyz today.

When I break down Tennessee, they have mastered the age old reality that having a rushing attack can do wonderful things for a team. The two headed monster of Johnson and White have simply dominated all year long to the point that they gain a league leading 163 yards a game on the ground on the road. Coach Fisher has managed to curb the issues with LenDale and turn it into motivation for the rushing duo, and that simply leads to plenty of open pass patterns for Kerry Collins to pick apart all day long.

Unlike our lady friend, Houston will have their eyes wide open today, but the result will still be something that involves bending over.

As for Houston, they do have my boy Sage, but other than that, they bring a losing record, a 3 game win streak(losing record with a streak like that spells a BIG ‘L’), and a horrible rushing defense that gives up nearly 130 a game. Brett Favre can beat the Titans, but the likes of Matt Schaub and Steve Slaton cannot. Titans walk today, 31-17.

What did I tell you last Monday Homeboys (touch me here)…the benching of Tavaris Jackson earlier in the year was a brilliant decision and will transform T-Jack into a quality NFL starter. And how bout the Auburn Tigers decision to steal away one of the worst coaches in Big Twelve history Gene “Holy Chizik they hired me!”

I bet she's confused about Auburn's pigskin hiring too!

Seriously, have you ever heard of a headmaster from a downtrodden program (Iowa State) in the mist of a ten game losing streak (5-19 in his two seasons) hired by one of the powerhouse pigskin programs? That’s like Heather Locklear dropping a pimp-daddy rockstar for someone like David Spade…oh wait. (CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT!)

Jim Boeheim seemed much happier when he had hair!

The only other sports news of recent absurdity is Syracuse douche bag Jim BOOBheim’s decision to ignore the university’s judicial hearing board’s request to suspend Eric Devendorf for whacking a female student in the face. Instead of the usual whining about not making the Big Dance after scheduling cupcakes and losing every big game late in the year, Captain Orange is putting his efforts into claiming the year-long suspension is too severe and announced he’ll treat Devendorf no different while he appeals the decision.

I wonder how BOOBheim will clean-up this mess!

Last fall, the smug & cocky BOOBheim defended Jonny Flynn, Rick Jackson and Scoop Jardine after they were accused of sexual assault by a female student. While all three were cleared of charges after a 10-month investigation, the trend of Syracuse ballers acting as if they rule the world combined with a “five-strikes and your out” policy from Coach BOOBheim once again proves winning is all that matters to the bum.

All righty then, time to hit-up the ATS tablet of love…

Eagles defensive guru Jim Johnson's gonna make this poor kid wish he was back on the sideline with a clipboard!

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ PHILLY EAGLES (-15)
Unlike the Lions playing with a desire to stay out of the Hall of Fame or the 49ers attempt to impress their new stripping headmaster, the Browns look as though they can’t wait for the season to end. Especially with a lame-duck coach looking more relieved by the week he won’t have to answer embarrassing questions about his coaching abilities, I just don’t see how a trip to rainy Philly (showers likely, mid 30s) to play a desperate Eagles squad delivers anything but a blowout.

Dorsey's gonna see plenty of big green things flying at him tonight, and unfortunetly, they won't look like this!

Throw-in the Jr. High arm of Cleveland’s 3rd-string QB & a non-existent running game of late, and Eagles D-Coord Jim Johnson is gonna have a field day bringing the house on Ken Dorsey. Back to the lousy running game, speedster RB Jerome Harrison (31 carries – 7.9 avg) is out tonight & Jamal “I can’t believe he’s only 29” Lewis has aged overnight and managed just 7 yards on 7 carries last week. In addition, with WR Braylon Edwards suddenly having the worst hands since Sexy Rexy & TE Kellen Winslow out again w/ an ankle injury, the playmaking duties will once again fall on the shoulders of RB Jason “I don’t know who you are” Wright. Overall, besides my fav WR/RB/QB/Pimp Joshua “MFin” Cribbs (questionable) running some Wildcat action, I can’t see how the Browns muster much of anything offensively.

I can only think of one person looking more flawless wearing green than Brian Westbrook.

On the flipside, with the rebirth of a confident McNabb, arguably the best playmaker since Asia Carrera in Brian Westbrook, and a coach finally not calling a game like he’s playing Madden, I expect the Eagles to score with ease against the league’s 26th ranked defense. Last week, Westbrook had one of the most dominate games I’ve ever seen (33 carries 131 yards TD – 6 catches 72 yards TD) making Donovan’s sweet-azz play-action look like it’s circa 2004. Since his benching, the Eagles have scored 68 points in their last two contests with D-Nabb completing 67% of his passes and throwing five tuddies to zero Ints. Especially with a bevy a of talent on the outside and a Browns pass rush ranked 30th in sacks, look for the suddenly confident Eagles to put the foot on the gas and not let-up in front of the home crowd.

Check out the Browns' sideline tonight...I bet half the guys are already thinking about their next trip to the beach!

Not much else to say, except the Eagles still have playoff aspirations, while the Browns can be summed-up the same way the Asian ground crew from Major League summed-up the Indians…THEIR SHITTY! After Philly takes an early lead tonight, watch as Romeo & Co. appear to be counting down the minutes to the conclusion of this rainy contest.

Final Score: BROWNS 10 EAGLES 34

So your telling my Yi Jianlian is gonna stop this?!

NEW JERSEY NETS @ TORONTO RAPTORS (-4.5)
Usually investing on a team on a back-to-back is considered a “no-no” in the Association, but tonight...TOUCH ME HERE for more picks & pics

If Rae Rae was on the Orange bball squad he'd already have a perfect outfit and a coach willing to defend him!

How bout that lil bit of karma for the Cuse & Coach BOOBheim…don’t tell me you didn’t lose a lil sleep wondering if the Hardwood Gods were out to get your shady-azz Jimmy! Speaking of the World of Roundball, let’s jump right into some ATS action:

I like hers, but my heart is actually on the Bulls tonight!

Because just like in High School, Derrick Rose will be looking down at two lil dudes (Augustin & Felton) trying to stop him!

CHICAGO BULLS (-3) @ CHARLOTTE CATS O BOB
Ok, I’ll admit clamoring for The Bease over The Rose on Draft night has me looking like I read Rae Carruth’s book: “How To Make Smart Decisions”, but unlike most stubborn sports gurus, I don’t hesitate to flip-flop like an Relaxation Therapist in Vegas hotel room. Rose’s combination of strength & athleticism paired with a humble attitude & strong work ethic cannot be compared to anybody I’ve ever seen enter the Association. Just like yours truly dominating Church League games, I honestly believe the Chicago-kid is actually faster with the rock in his hands. And tonight, he squares off against the undersized D.J. “tiny” Augustine & Raymond “somewhat chubby” Felton. While both have some speed and will have their moments offensively, neither will come close to handling darting-Derrick’s relentless attack.

While both Tyrus & her have flawless physical skills, her look of passion is what we need to see from T-Time!

In addition, it appears Pax’s athletic bigs are starting to understand by simply running the floor and being active defensively, not only will Rose find them for some easy buckets, but Vinny Del Scott Baio will actually keep them on the floor. In Saturday’s impressive nine point win against New Jersey, Noah & Thomas combined for 51 minutes, 9-14 FGs, 5-5 FTs, 13 rebs, 5 blks, & 3 stls. Throw-in the decent play from PF Drew Gooden (13 ppg, 9 reb) and the space clogging Aaron Gray (last game: 12 min, 7 reb, 2 blks), and my guess is Emeka “I can’t bend from the waist” Okafor & Boris “Dude, my festively-plump French-azz is a Bobcat” Diaw are in for a long night.

Boris Diaw might want to borrow her car because rumors have him heading to New York very, very soon!

And speaking of Mr. Diaw, rumors have been swirling that Diaw & Bell were actually acquired so Charlotte can ship them onto Gotham and their old headmaster. Considering they just arrived and probably don’t have much interest in learning Grandpa Larry’s slow-azz schemes, I don’t see how these trade reports can help their ATS matters tonight. Did I mention do-everything F Gerald Wallace has also been on the trading block since ARRP Brown took over? Maybe that’s the reason he’s a shell of player he was the last two seasons.

Like our friend, Luol's finally putting his lanky frame to use!

Throw-in Luol Deng’s excellent play of late (last 5 games: 19 ppg on 52% shooting) and a deep bench to wear-out the undermanned and overall shitty Cats O Bob, and I expect the Bulls to send the so-called GM known as “His Airness’s likes White Girls, Golf, & Gambling” to his eighth-straight loss. BULLS BY 10-15 POINTS

In his 8th season, James has now become more of a role player...and that's what you call a good thing Homeboys!

While it's impossible not to luv B-Diddy, I don't think those knees will like a back-2-back in cold-azz Chicago vs Rose!

LA CLIPPERS @ CHICAGO BULLS (-3)
For those of you new to IP.com may I say: “Welcome to the ATS Pool Party with Tequila in the Sangria” and “Just because I’ve bet on my hometown Bullies two nights in a row don’t think I’m a homer”. After singing the praises of darting-Derrick, the freak of nature had his first awful game of the season (and potentially lost my girl her X-Mas present by fouling DJ Augustine from behind the arc and up by three in the waning seconds!) That being said, observing his moxy to become a leader paired with the disappointment of letting down his teammates, I expect Baron Davis & his creaky-knees to have some fear in those eyes playing a back-to-back against the lightning quick kid.

While this back-to-back is a nice sight, veteran Marcus Camby probably doesn't think his is so pretty!

Every Association aficionado knows playing back-to-back on the road rarely brings out the best for a below-average veteran squad. While the (7-17) Clippers have actually found a nice rhythm winning three-straight, traveling to the Windy City after a snowstorm is not a recipe for success for a team w/out a bench. Last night, four players took their warm-ups off after opening tip…and let’s just say their not what you call NBA legends: Mardy Collins, Steve Novak, Paul Davis, & Jason Hart. And with guys like B-Diddy, Zach “Baby-fat” Randolph, and the 34 year old Camby logging heavy minutes in Oklahoma City, those cats are gonna have to play a much bigger role at the United Center.

Thanks to Rose runing the show, T-Time is finally starting to match his athleticism with some passion at both ends!

I know the Bulls also played last night, but they’re young, deep, playing at home, and much more accustomed to winter in Chicago. While Rose’s game wilted in Charlotte, the continuing improved play of T-Time (last two games: 38 pts, 14 reb, 4 blk, & 56-fg%), Joahkim Noah (last two games: 14 pts, 14 reb, 5 ass, 3 blk, & 86-fg%), Luol Deng (last 5 games: 17.4 ppg, 54-fg%) & Ben Gordon (last 5 games: 23.6 ppg, 49-3pt%) is a more important trend for Vinny Del Baio’s Bulls. Especially with the Chicago media all over this guys earlier in the year, look for the youngsters to have plenty of energy and to easily outrun the undermanned Clippers tonight…BULLS BY DOUBLE DIGITS

There's nothing a wrong with a festively-plump booty, and luckily for the Sixers, it looks like Elton's starting to use his!

MILWAUKEE BUCKS @ PHILLY 76ERS (-3.5)
I know the Sixers have disappointed my wallet and yours just about every time I’ve thrown them up here, but since the coaching change, I see a team like Chicago that’s starting to gain some momentum. In Saturday’s 15-point win against the Artists Formerly known as the Bullets, Elton Brand finally looked like the big-money baller dropping 27 & 9, while Sammy D (17 rebounds) attacked the glass like it was a contract year. Throw-in the recent reemergence of Iggy (last 5 games: 18.2 ppg, 8 rpg, 4.2 apg), Andre Miller (last 5 games: 14.6 ppg, 7.0 apg), Lou Williams (last 5 games: 16.5 ppg), and adding a shooter to the starting line-up to spread the floor for Elton in Willie Green, I expect Philly to make a lil run through the All-Star Break.

Sometimes it looks like Ridnour is wearing these heels when playing D...not a good thing w/ Andre Miller on the docket!

As for the overachieving Bucks, while Scotty Skiles has them competing, they’re 5-11 on the road this season and don’t have a true PF to stop Brand’s low-post game (Luc Richard Mbah a Moute & Charlie V). While Redd & RJ make for a nice combo on the wing, Iggy & Thad Young have the athleticism & length to make them earn their buckets tonight. Throw-in the defensive challenged Luke Ridnour & Ramon Session trying to stop Andre Miller from banging his way to the cup, and I like the 76ers to start-up a nice lil two game win streak…MO CHEEKS OLE SQUAD BY 7-12 POINTS

Canisius should be in for a lil more athleticism facing Cuse!

CANISIUS GOLDEN GRIFFENS @ SYRACUSE ORANGE (-24)
What can I say, I can’t have a day this week without mentioning the kids in Orange. I know I told you karma screwed them Monday, but the Gambling Gods have too much on their plate to worry about BOOBheim all week. Following the loss to Cleveland St., the coach claimed his players have taken teams lightly of late, which means tonight we’ll see a fiery and disciplined Cuse squad from the opening tip. And who better to take out their frustrations on that the MFin Golden Griffins! In (3-6) Canisus’s last three games they’ve lost to Albany by 28, St. Peter’s by 24, & Manhattan by 18. Considering that’s an average of over 23 points per contest, don’t you think #11 ranked & angry Orange can throw in a couple more buckets…CUSE BY 36-46

I know we have a Pigskin game & NBA action to dissect, but first, I have few more thoughts on the man they call Plaxico!

Before we hit-up the Monday Night tilt, I cannot believe the amount shiznit I’ve received regarding my clamoring for Plaxico Burress in Bearville once his legal matters are settled. Everything from he’s a cancer to a thug, I’ve learned Chicago fans physically can’t stomach Plax with a “C” on his helmet and hope he spends plenty of time in jail. This from a city featuring Drew “lady-killer” Peterson daily on a radio-segment called “Win a Date with Drew”, not to mention, the smirking-devil continues to wander the streets mocking our judicial system as everyone jokes how he’s engaged to a 23 year-old!

So tell me, why do we laugh at Drew & hate on Plax?

I know that’s like comparing an Asian Hairdresser to an Asian stripper, but considering Plax has received far worse treatment for basically shooting himself in the leg, wearing sweatpants to a club, and showing-up late to film sessions, I’m standing by the tuddie-crabbing former Spartan. And please, any dorky white dude that says "What's he need a gun for" is the same guy that doesn't even get hit-on by pole-dancers and doesn't have to worry about his KIA gettin' carjacked!

Just like Jesse, no matter what they say, stall tall my friend!

As for why I want Plaxico in Chicago, its simple:

1. The dude is arguable the best redzone threat in the league and immediately opens things-up for everybody, especially RB Matt Forte & TE Greg Olson.

2. For all his shenanigans, after this incident I expect Plaxico to desperately try to improve his imagine with the team & community…at least for a couple years.

3. Because of all the aforementioned shenanigans, the Bears can trade or sign him on the cheap.

4. Sports are simply entertainment Homeboys, and especially as a so-called sports writer, a personality like this is a dream come true!

With that, time for:GREG GAMBLE’S TEASER SPECIAL OF THE YEAR!!!Just like that smile, the Colts -1 is teaser-ific!

Talk about the teaser of all teasers Homeboys…a must win for Peyton and the Colts playing in some nice weather against an already mailed-it-in Jaguars squad. While I’m guessing Indy covers the seven, teasing them down so all they have to do is win is a bigger lock than scoring on prom night when your date has a back-tat just above a thong that reads “Wanna Play Doctor!” on the front. Call me crazy, but I’ve teased this with the NBA, College Hoops & Bowls, Women’s Badminton, & my 401K I’m sure you know the saying “On Any Giving Sunday”, but check out this little gem, its MFin Thursday!

WHY INDY -1?
Even in the midst of a seven-game win streak, the Colts haven’t clinched shiznit and had an eye-opening experience last week struggling against the lowly-Lions. I know Marvin “Car Wash Gangsta” Harrison is out, but let’s just say I’d trust Manning throwing to the Bears WRs. With Wayne, Clark, Gonzalez, & the abilities of Rhoades & Addai (questionable) out of the backfield, I don’t expect to see much of a letdown. Especially with a home-crowd that’s completely lost interest in their own team, Peyton will probably have as hard a time hearing as I did quarterbacking our flag-football team.

Fred telling us they suck summed it up for me!

As for the Del Rio and his band of malcontents, I’m guessing playing without star CB RaShean Mathis, top LB Daryl Smith, leading WR Matt “I swear its sugar” Jones, RB Fred Taylor, & WR Jerry Porter won’t help matters tonight. In last week’s victory over the Pack (mostly by capitalizing on some idiotic plays by GB) Garrard was forced to throw to three different TEs, the uninterested WR Reggie Williams, Maurce Jones-Drew out of the backfield, and received a fountain-of-youth contribution from AARP-vet Dennis Northcutt (how the hell is in only 30!). While Northcutt should be commended for his performance (5 rec, 127 yrds, TD), I’m guessing he won’t have another game like that the rest of his career. While MJD is still a ridiculous threat every times he touches the pigskin, without Freddie splitting carries and S Bob Saunders probably returning to put on a hurting, look for the former Bruin to tire late. Not much else to say Homeboys cause they only need to win!

Final Score: COLTS 31 JAGS 17

While some are sweating Brett's decision to return to NY, they're probably not sweating getting a point in Seattle!

WHY JETS +1 @ SEATTLE?
While the Jets have been up-n-down more than Paris in a hotel room, they desperately need this game and have the luxury of playing a 3-11 squad ranked 28th in both total offense & defense. I know Holmgren will try to rile-up his 2nd stringers to beat his ole gunslinger, but considering they have the 31st ranked pass D, I can’t even fathom how Grandpa Vicodin can turnover this one to a loss. As for the legendary home-field advantage at Qwest Field, the Seabirds have won there once this season…against the MFin Rams! And in the rare possibility I lose this game, at least I’ll be happy for my boy Seneca!

Final Score: JETS 27 SEABIRDS 17

Why is she licking the mag, Greggy G's on the cover!

WHY JAGS/COLTS OVA 38…WHY THE SUNS +9?TOUCH ME HERE to smell what the Gamble is cooking!

Last night after counting my winnings, I couldn't believe the line at "the Dog of Bo" had Bron getting MFin points!

Just like Keeley, King James gettin' points is picture perfect!

CLEVELAND BRON-BRONS (EVEN) @ DENVER MELOS
I actually was awarded a point last night for playing King James, but I know you guys won't be as lucky today...but I also know it won't MFin matter! Its on the Eastern Seaboard Programming Network, against his rival young baller (Melo), and your telling me Chauncey & his chompers make that much a difference? BTW, don't worry bout who's injured cause Bron's not! CAVS BY 5-10 POINTS

With that, IP.com's #1 Iowa scout has produced more inside info than Blago's nanny throughout the college pigskin season. And following Gene Shiznit's Noxzema girl from 90210-crazy exit from Ames that same scout (aka my Homeboy Drew Donkulous) needed to vent.

As for Greggy G's opinion, I believe Shiznit knew he was leaving in the fall...that's why ISU sucked more than normal!

Welcome to the inaugural Friday addition of...DREW'S MFin DISH

From Ames to Auburn 12-16-2008

Anyone who thinks Gene Chizik is disloyal and treated Iowa State University badly should just call Dan Mc Carney and ask him about loyalty. Mc Carney who really brought ISU football back into conversations around the the Big 12 and the Midwest (especially Iowa City) was forced to resign by AD Jamie Pollard two years ago. Dan Mc Carney may have had only a 55-84 record in Ames but brought the enthusiasm and energy to ISU football that they had not seen in a very long time. Dan Mc Carney got more out of his players than about any coach I have ever seen. Of course all the enthusisasm in the world won't keep your job in this business.

WE MISS YOU MAC!!!

So now it's time for Mr. Smoke & Mirrors Jamie Pollard to conduct another super secret job search and find his next "prodigal son"...and he better get it right this time! There are only so many smoke machines, inflatable football helmets and crappy music you can put on the football field before you are going to have to put an actual football team on the on the field. Pollard asking for more money from boosters and fans is going to fall on deaf ears if he does not get it right this time. ISU fans deserve better. He better put together an iron clad contract with a hefty buyout to keep his coach in house.

So where does ISU go from here? I suggest they call Tommy Tuberville. Undefeated in 2004 (13-0) and unemployed today. Good luck with that Gene Chizik!

Hungova w/ luv,Drew Donkulous

I know I used this last week, but......how funny is it that we have the same undies!

December 20, 2008

INSIDEPLAYS COLLEGE BOWL ATS

It's hard damn work homeys, but if Santa can do it, I think InsidePlays can step up to the plate. All I want for Christmas is those two front things....

Today is the beginning of Bowl Season at InsidePlays, and although bowl season doesn’t have the same meaning as it did in college(puff, puff, pass Smokey), I’m excited to announce that yours truly, Teasin’ T-Bone, is making the commitment to our fan base to provide my insight(and of course my pick) on who is going to cover ATS for each and every game! I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not particularly fond of all of them, so I’ll let you know when I have a 5-dimer and I’ll also tell ya when I think it reeks of a south Chicago street corner girl that I wouldn’t touch w/ Greggy G’s bent boy toy!

I thought Chizik just had to open his mouth to get the job, but it appears he had to bend over and take one for the team as well!

And if you didn’t read up on Drew Donkulous’ rant on the situation in Ames Iowa, CHECK IT OUT HERE! I couldn’t agree more with his thoughts on Chizik and the programs situation. The way I see it is like this, whether we want to admit it or not, Gene Chizik is a coach on the rise, and in Ames and with the poor history of the program, they are only going to get 2 styles of coaches….an up-and-comer like Chizik that puts a turnstile on the coaches office every 3-5 years, or a mediocre coach that can bring .500 ball and stability to the program. I give my props to AD Jamie Pollard if he can find someone other than this, last time I checked Ames Iowa has the Hawkeyes 2 hours to the East and the Huskers 3 hours to the West, kinda tough to pull in top recruits and coaches Mr. Pollard.

Time to get up and stretch, and trust me, no camel toe today from our pigskin ladies, I already checked!

Refresh your drink and lets get rollin’ on college pigskin.

Navy vs. Wake Forest -3

This is my 5-dimer fellas, You may think I’m crazy for going with the Deacons today, especially after the Midshipmen gave WF their first loss of the season back in September of this year, but I believe that provides a couple advantages today. First, there isn’t anything better to help prepare your team than having played that exact same team before and knowing how your offensive and defensive schemes worked. Secondly, Navy has the triple option, and that is it. That makes it pretty easy for the WF defense, when they have had 3 weeks to prepare for a one dimensional team. Plus their defense only gives up around 110 yards a game on the ground, so you can bet they are looking to change the fact that they gave up 200+ in September.

Riley Skinner is smiling today knowing that his leathal pair(Pendergrass & Adams), are going to be able to let loose and have some fun!

And when Riley Skinner takes the field, I think Navy may want to start back pedaling. The man gets nearly 30 attempts per game and completes 63% of them, and he threw for 270 yards the last time the Navy defense tried to stop him. 116 of those yards went to DJ Boldin, so look for him to continue his dominance at wideout, and I have to believe that the Deacons are going to get a little more creative with Pendergrass and Adams coming out of the backfield. We know they won’t have record days on the ground, but they are 2 highly talented backs that will get the ball in different ways today. Wake Forest wins 24-13.

To mustache, or not to mustache, that is the question.

Fresno State -3 vs. Colorado State

I’d use Greggy G’s money to bet on this one, but that would be about it. My gut tells me that Fresno is gonna roll, but my pocket book has been hurt twice by them this year(how can they be a national contender and only beat Toledo by one friggin’ point?). But I still sit here and think that the talent level on both sidelines are very different, national title talks vs. not even suppose to make a bowl. With the extra weeks off, my hope is that the Bulldogs have been able to re-focus and believe that a bowl win can salvage their season. Fresno wins 35-10.

Many great things come from South Florida....but are they good enough, I'm not convinced.

Memphis +11.5 vs. South Florida

The Memphis Tigers are everything but a perennial pigskin powerhouse, and I have to admit that I haven’t followed them at all this year, but I have followed the South Florida Bulls. I saw a team self-destruct in November and lose 4 of its last 5 games, all with all star Matt Grothe at the helm. The difference maker…defenses figured out Grothe and made him throw 11 interceptions in those 5 games. With a shaky offense and a defense that has lost its swagger since Coach Mac exited to Florida this year, if the Tigers can put up two touchdowns, they will definitely cover and might even win the damn thing. And if you can read between the lines, it means I also love the under at 55 points as well. South Florida wins 21-17.

It's a good thing they allow the football team to score, cuz good talent is already being wasted in that neck of the woods!

BYU +3 vs. Arizona

Imagine a college coed passed out on your bed, bra on but no panties, landing strip down below and smudged lipstick up above. You don’t know how she got there, what do you do? Don’t touch it with a 10 foot pole, much like this game! It’d be okay to crack open a beer and watch(either the game or the chick) for 3 hours or so cause it would be fun, but that’s about it for me. I do believe that BYU is gonna win this outright. They have a stingy defense that has had a couple weeks to rest up, and their offense is downright explosive. But I love the fact that they have a chip on their shoulder and will be trying to prove that a mid-major conference can play with the big boys. BYU outright, 31-21.

We have reached the last Sunday Funday before Christmas, and this is always a special one to me because it provides four avenues of fun…big boy and little boy pigskin, as well as big and little boy roundball! No gadgets, no gizmos, no sugar plums...

And on this Sunday, I don’t have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. I have a vision of having a bottle of Templeton Rye delivered to my front door by the TR man himself, Dr. Killmer, and he would deliver it in a vehicle that would make sounds like the friggin’ ice cream man was coming. He would drop it off at my doorstep like he was on a milkman run, I would open the door, he would look at me and in a Ja Rule voice would say ‘Holla, holla, me and my homeys are lookin’ to make some dolla’s, dolla’s!!’ I think I can help with that today my friends….Wrong team, right colors, and that's good enough for me. Hey look, is that Reggie Bush cumin' in my tunnel, I mean coming down the tunnel?

New Orleans -7 @ Detroit

When I saw this line throughout the week I thought one thing…the Vegas Gods have some type of belief that the Lions are actually going to stay close in this one because it is their last home game and this is their last realistic shot at winning a game. I get all that mumbo jumbo, but the bottom line is that we have a matchup of the most potent offense in the league at 28 points a game against the absolute worst defense in the league at 32 points a game. Plus you are putting a dome team in someone else’s dome, and it really can’t be considered a home field advantage for the Lions cuz there won’t be any fans there!I don't even think Heidi Montag creating a diversion like this would sidetrack the Saints today....

Even if you wade yourself through all of that muck and still think the Lions might have a chance, lets not forget that Coach Rod is already passing his resume out at the local high schools, and the turnstile that is the QB position never seems to quit rotating. I have got to believe that Orlovsky gets the nod again just to gain some experience, and you know if he is playing to get experience that the coaches are going to be more concerned about giving him specific plays in specific situations, which doesn’t necessarily line up with how the flow of the game is moving. So even if the defense doesn’t lose the game by giving up 50 points, I still don’t think the Lions offense can get in the 20’s to keep this one close. The Breesy Bush wins, 38-17.
Click below for my SUNDAY FUNDAY TEASERS!

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (-4)
Do you know how frickin’ cold it is in Chicago…so cold my 24 oz Icehouse was frozen by the time a finished walking my white tiger around the block this morning! Call me crazy, but I honestly believe Green Bay has no desire to even suit-up for tonight’s festivities. While Chicago’s playing for a playoff spot and some redemption after getting blown-out in Lambeau, the Packers are playing for nothing except pride…and my guess is pride will be thinking about sitting next to a heater more than the pigskin. Throw-in the reports of infighting from Packerland as players and coaches are pointing fingers on who to blame for their demise, and as soon the Monday Night magic wears-off I expect the Packers to be looking for the bus.

Forte is a perfect back to for these cold-azz conditions!

And just like her, look for the Bears to pound it all-night!

As for the game-plan, expect a heavy dose of Matt Forte as the Pack ranks 24th in rushing D and have looked even worse since LB Nick Barnett was knocked-out for the season. On the offensive side of the ball for GB, while Rodgers has played well in first season under center, the cold & windy conditions, as well as, the added pressure from a season spinning out of control should make this a nightmare for the Cal Bear. I know the Bears secondary has been susceptible to the pass, but as the season has progressed many of their youngsters have developed into quality playmakers (D. Manning, K. Payne, & C. Graham). Especially with a riled-up fandom on their side, I expect the aggressive group to create a few turnovers & look more impressive as the night wears on. I could go on, but it’ really that MFin simple!

Final Score: BEARS 23 PACKERS 10

You know why she's happy...she played the UNDA too!

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (UNDA 40)
Once the Bears get up tonight, look for Lovie to simply pound the ball ad nauseam to ensure his QB doesn’t make the same mistakes he made on his last nighttime stage (3 INTs in a loss to Minny). Especially after the criticism O-Coordinator Ron Turner & he received following the Saints game, don’t be surprised to see Orton with less than 20 pass attempts tonight. On the flipside, with a banged-up O-Line and a QB feeling plenty of pressure from the Cheeseheads the last few weeks, I don’t think Green Bay has the confidence to make things happen on a frozen Solider Field.

Final Score: BEARS 23 PACKERS 10

Brandon always seems to get a solid look!

*Since this morning's write-up, Anthony has been ruled out for tonightPORTLAND BLAZERS (+3) @ DENVER NUGGETS
Since the Iverson for Billups swap, it’s amazing how Carmelo (probable-elbow) has completely transformed his game. While always a dominate scorer, Anthony actually seemed to enjoy letting the world know he had no intention of putting effort into the defense end. Now, with Chauncey bringing in a professional swagger, all of a sudden he’s attacking the glass and actually putting-up a hand on D. That being said, all the luv the Nugs were getting while playing the bottom-feeders after the trade overshadowed their still short bench and inept frontcourt.

If Carmelo & J.R. Smith played with passion on D like this, the Nuggets could be really frickin good!

In the paint, George Karl has limited options as K-Mart (12 ppg, 7 rpg) is a shell of a player he once was, Nene is merely a big-body that cleans-up Melo’s misses, Linas Kleiza thinks he’s a small forward, and the Birdman is a one-trick pony (swatting shots into the third row instead of trying to block it to a teammate). While Carmelo has stepped-up his performance on the glass and Chauncey has pointed the bigs in the right direction, Denver just can’t compete against anybody with some size. Speaking of Melo, no matter what he says his ailing elbow is huge concern for Karl & Co. In his last two games, the All-Star is 8-27 from the field and starting to shy-away from contact (last two games: 4 free throw attempts & 3 rebounds).

While her bikini bottom has some Nugget blue, what you didn't know was her bikini top had Trailblazer red!

Poinsettia Bowl – San Diego, CA
BOISE ST. BRONCOS @ TCU HORNY FROGS (-3)
For all the offensively wizardry we’ve seen from the Broncos during their unblemished season, looking through their schedule it’s tough to defend Boise St’s BCS-bowl aspirations. Besides an impressive early season victory over Oregon, the Broncos played nobody outside of the conference that finished with a winning record (Idaho St., Bowling Green, So. Miss) and had the luxury of playing a collection of WAC teams that were absolutely abysmal this year!

Boise St. dominating the WAC is like Pebbles getting plenty of sleep without Bam-Bam around!

Nothing highlighted this more than a three week span to start November where Boise St. played (3-9) New Mexico St., (3-9) Utah St., & (2-10) Idaho. Coupled with down years for Nevada, Fresno St, & Hawaii, and the undefeated Broncos had little to stand-on when complaining about their disrespect in the polls.

While the 8th year Sr. has given us some crazy memories...

Finishing his career against TCU could leave him like this!

Tonight, the high-powered Boise attack led by RS-FR QB Kellen Moore (25 TD, 9 INT, 70%) has the opportunity to prove their greatness against the nation’s #2 ranked defense. And in my opinion, the somewhat slow feet of Mr. Moore will be in for a culture shock with the size & speed of the Horny Frogs relentless attack. With the NCAA's leader in sacks & forced fumbles DE Jerry Hughes (14 sacks, 6 forced fumbles, 18.5 tackles for loss), DL Cody Moore (6 sacks), and a bevy of big bruisers controlling the line-of-scrimmage, Coach Gary Patterson will have the luxury of dropping plenty Frogs in coverage to confuse the young signal-caller. While star LB Robert Henson has been ruled academically ineligible for tonight, the kids in purple have plenty of talent to replace him, including SR. LB and team leader Jason Phillips (12 tackles for loss)…the brains behind this lethal defense.

Just like Megan's 100% flawless, TCU's RBs are 100% healthy!

On offense for TCU, while they’ve been inconsistent at times this season with their spread attack, nagging injuries to their top two RBs was the main culprit. In the season finale, both the bruising Jr. Joseph Turner & the shifty Sr. Aaron Brown looked close to 100% as they steamrolled a solid Air Force squad for a 44-10 victory. In addition, with their power running game back in place, 6-3 So. QB Andy Dalton was able to open things-up for the passing game completing 21 of 27 for 321 yards, 2 TD, & zero picks.

Jimmy Young has the look of a Sunday Funday playmaker!

While the Frogs are loaded with plenty of speedy duel options for the spread and a solid possession TE, the real playermaker and future Sunday gridiron contributor is 6-1 So. WR Jimmy Young (1003 yards, 17.1 avg)...and trust me, he'll make one play tonight that reminds you how the bad the Chicago Bears WRs really are!

The Horned Frogs game plan will be solid gold tonight!

While the Broncos D looks solid on the stat sheet, they’ve really played nobody with much size and are extremely undersized up-front. As a result, look for Coach Patterson to hammer the ball early to wear down Boise before opening things-up with some play-action as the game progresses. Turnovers & penalties have been the biggest Achilles heel for TCU this season, but I expect with the added time to prepare you’ll see a much more disciplined group itching to spoil the Broncos dream season. I know I haven’t talked about the Broncos solid rushing attack with eighth-year Sr. Ian Johnson (738 yrds, 5.2 avg) and lil So. Jeremy Avery (613 yrds, 5.6 avg.), but considering the nation’s most dominate ground defense has allowed teams to average only 1.7 yards per carry this season…I’m not worried about that at all.

...or discuss my bag o goodies, how about the nice early X-Mas present 40-point Rodney Stuckey received last night?

A match-up with Benny's unispired & lousy defense!

Hawaii Bowl – Honolulu, Hawaii

Trust me, ND will be too focused to be distracted!

NOTRE DAME DOMERS (-2) @ HAWAII WARRIORS
While it pains me more than looking at my 401K or a broken bottle of Boone's Farm, I just cannot fathom how the Golden Douchebags don’t end the season on high note. For all the awful displays from Chubby Charlie’s boys the season, the extra time to prepare coupled with a sizable skill advantage over the artist formerly known as the Rainbows just makes for an unfortunate Irish victory. While Hawaii's bandwagon has gained momentum of late & kept the spread down, as mentioned yesterday, besides Boise St., the WAC is absolutely awful.

Not even a Hawaiian Tropic girl will break their confidence!

I know Hawaii’s regular season finale almost saw them pull-out a victory over an excellent Bearcats squad, but honestly, the kids from Cincy treated the trip as a vacation, only a had a couple days to prepare, and slept walked through the first three quarters before dominating the 4th. Prior to the contest, the Rainbows so-called emergence came at the hands of (2-11) Washington St. & (2-10) Idaho at home, and against arguable the nation’s worst defense in (3-9) New Mexico State. Oh yeah, and the week prior to New Mexico St., the Warriors lost 30-14 to (3-9) Utah State who’s only other wins were against…you guessed it, Idaho & New Mexico St.!

Screw Colt Brennan, all I want for X-Mas is Timmy Chang!

...and maybe a pink Santa hat!

While JUCO QB Greg Alexander (12 TD, 4 INT, 64%) emerged as a solid playmaker after some early struggles, the poor kid's had to run for his life as the Rainbows have given-up a nation leading 49 sacks. Making matters worse, the OL can’t run block either to take the pressure off him as they’ve averaged a mere 3.3 yards per attempt. Surprisingly, after the departure of cult-hero Colt Brennan and his top four receivers, Hawaii still has some nice talent on the outside. Unfortunately, with the improved health of Notre Dame’s D (at least two top tier starters returning) and the size advantage up-front, don’t expect Alexander to find the time to hit-up or see those little WRs.

The Hawaii DBs will have trouble with Floyd's size...

...and the hands & speed of Golden MFin Tate!

As for the so-called offensive genius Chubby Charlie & his boy-toy Jimmy Clausen, while the Warriors can’t handle the dynamic WRing duo of Golden Tate (52 catches, 17.4 avg., 7 TD) and 6-3 Fr. phenom Michael Floyd (9 games: 46 catches, 15.3 avg, 7 TD), I expect Notre Dame to run a balanced attack to wear down the Warriors front before opening things-up. The Irish have three highly-recruited backs desperate to rebound from their performance against USC, so look for a punishing performance from the trio & OL tonight, highlighted by long-distance scamper from So. Armando Allen.

And while I make the selection of ND while hidding my face, what can I say, it's all about ATS money for the homeless!

Listen, just like you, I’d much rather watch a Golden Douchebag embarrassment followed by an uncomfortable press conference from Cocky Chuck, but I honestly believe you’ll see an inspired performance from his kids. Early in the year ND easily handled many of the below-average squads, but once they faltered and TD Jesus’s boosters started to raise hell, everything seemed to crumble around them. But with the vote of confidence for their headmaster, a chance to regroup, game plan, & get healthy, I expect to see a passionate group that exploits an opponent with plenty of glaring weaknesses.

And T-Bone is lookin' to cover a couple things as well. It's very nipple, I mean simple... the Friday after x-mas is the day of the Chippewa and the Hornet(especially after the high school-like performance yesterday!)

December 27, 2008

INSIDEPLAYS SPORTS ATS PICKS

I told the ladies it was time to go bowling, they obviously misunderstood, but who am I to argue!

Let me start today by saying that for those of you that don’t believe that dreams can come true, they did for me last Sunday. I pulled off a perfect trifecta that included the NFL, NBA, and NCAA pigskin. But most importantly, the Templeton Rye fairy visited me(I had a bottle in my liquor cabinet, close enough) and I was sucking down TR presses for the better part of 8 hours on Sunday Funday. To relive the dream, and the Sunday Funday pics, CLICK HERE!

Insideplays...the land of higher education.

And now, for the first time in several weeks this Saturday actually feels like a college football Saturday again. With 3 big games that feature good perennial power, I know where my azz will be sittin’ most of the day.

By land or by air, #5 knows how to get it done!

West Virginia -2 @ North Carolina

I still haven’t found any living proof that the ACC or the Big East had teams that knew how to become a great team throughout the year. It seemed like every time one of them was on a roll, instead of gaining confidence they became afraid of losing. But 2 aspects of this game are very clear to me today. The first, the Mountaineers know about the post season and the preparation that goes with it. Bill Stewart has proven he can win in a bowl game, but Butch Davis’ boys might try to enjoy the atmosphere more than focus on the game.

Score, score, and score some more, our friend Paris and the Mountaineers have something in common.

Secondly, I love almost any team that relies on the run in a bowl game. West Virginia gets 217 yards a game on the ground. With an offense led by Pat White at QB, and followed by lightning quick Noel Devine, it makes this stat even better. We all know that Pat has more experience than Jenna Jameson in a studio, and that will prove extremely valuable at getting the spread offense going and moving the ball down the field early. With nearly a month off, I think both teams will struggle early in the air, and unfortunate for the Tar Heels, they are relying on Shaun Draughn who only manages 65 yards a game. WV wins 31-17.

INSIDEPLAYS NFL ATS PICKS

Welcome back to Insideplays, and if you have a slight addiction to our banter, you know very well that today is Sunday Funday and it happens to be the last week of the NFL regular season. And with the playoff picture still an absolute mess for over half of the seeds, there are a couple of good matchups between teams that are fighting for next week against teams that are waiting to wake up at their off-season home tomorrow morning. So while the Giants, Titans, and Steelers all can take a break today knowing they get to suit up in two weeks in their own locker rooms, lets take a look at who I believe is going to live to play another day.

I loved college as much as bluto, but today is about the professional ballers of the pigskin league.

Carolina Panthers -2 @ N.O. Saints

Carolina already has a playoff berth clinched, but they know if they can take down the Saints today that they get to join the other elites in the league and take next week off. On the other hand, the Saints already know that they are eliminated and my guess is they were less than motivated throughout the week and really don’t have any new game plan put in place.

Carolina Blue...don't be denied!

On top of that, the line is a little closer than it should be because somehow the Saints have been able to muster a 6-1 home record during their .500 year, but when you look deeper at that record, the 6 wins have come against teams with a combined record of 41-49. Let it be known that the Saints beat who they should and lose to those they shouldn’t, Carolina happens to be one they shouldn’t.

Carolina just needs to make a copy of what happened earlier this year, I think that sounds like a great idea!

In fact, they have already proved they can’t hang with the Panthers when they received a serious 30-7 spanking from them just 2 months ago. Back on October 19th, the Saints still had post season hopes alive and they could only muster 7 points thanks to a stifling Carolina defense that only allowed Reggie Bush 55 yards and Drew Brees just 231 through the air. I know that home field advantage will swing this one by 10-12 points, but the Panthers won’t let a victory slip away today. Carolina wins 27-17.

She knows what Sundays are about, but I'm not sure that she knows what the teaser part is all about.

SUNDAY FUNDAY TEASERS

NE Patriots teased to pick ‘em @ Buffalo Bills
The bottom line today is the Patriots need a win to stay in the playoff hunt and hope that the Dolphins or Ravens lose. The good news is they are playing against a sub .500 Bills squad that has managed to go 2-7(two wins against the pathetic AFC West) in the back end of the year. I think Bill a la Hoodie will find a way to get his team motivated to stop a reeling Bills squad simply looking to get out of the cold.

Home whites and playing inside a dome, a great combo!

NY Giants @ Minnesota Vikings teased down to -1
No starters for the Giants going up against a Vikings squad that only needs to win to grab the NFC North title, and in my humble opinion this happens to be a very scary Vikings squad to go up against in the playoffs. We know that Peterson is going to get his yardage and Jackson has been much better since his mid season spell on the sideline. Plain and simple, I really like the Vikes today and that is enough for me.

And if you haven't had enough yet, cuz I know she hasn't, don't forget about La Tech at -1 essentially playing a home game and teasing the Packers to -5 while you watch them make the Lions the only 0-16 team EVER!!!

Before we hit-up my ATS Bowl and Hardwood selections, here are a few quick thoughts on yesterday’s NFL Action:

What are the odds he's crying and wearing Wranglers today?

GRANDPA FAVRE
Yes, I’m hater and I'll admit it felt better than a China Town massage watching the Vicodin Vet throw pick after pick after pick to end the season and Mangini’s career as a New York Jet!

The sun hasn't set on McNabb or her just yet!

MY HOMEBOY DONOVAN MCNABB
While most say they were luckily, I’m just glad my preseason Super Bowl pick is still alive. BTW, I luv how no matter what playoff team an analyst discusses they give the proverbial:
“Nobody wants to play that team!”

While I luv watching him lose...this dude needs a shrink!

JESSICA ROMO/TERRIBLE TO/MR. JONES
I laughed so hard I spilled my Shlitz Ice all over my Yellow Notepad of Sin when they panned to Jerry Jones looking like someone just told him his plastic surgeon died and had left his file open on his desk.

Just like Grace Park here, instead of blaming one of your QBs, maybe Coach Johnny G should look in the mirror!

BYE, BYE, CHUCKY
While I’ve never been a hater of John Gruden, for some reason watching the utter demoralization on his face was more fun than the time I played Strip Wii Tennis with the Olsen Twins.

As yours truly strolled the beach this summer, I wondered how bad my Chicago Bears would be!

FACE IT…DA BEARS ARE SHITTY
I don’t care that they almost made the playoffs. Watching their weekly performance was more painful than waking up to take a piss after drinking hot-damn and using a cheap-hat with spermicidal lube. From numerous moments of coaching stupidity, to a GM overpaying a LB with declining skills after back surgery (that already had a contract), which resulting in not having any money to sign even a competent WR, as a diehard Bears fans…I’m actually glad it’s OVA!

GREGGY G’S WINDY CITY TEASER WONDERLAND

With the shitty weather, what better way to spend the night than loungin at home and teasin' a few Chi-town teams!

After missing plenty of time to injury, hopefully the layoff helps put a cherry on top of Tyrell's once promising career!

NORTHWESTERN CATS (teased +19) vs MISSOURI TIGERS
Entering the season, the Tigers had BCS dreams dancing in their head, but back-to-back losses in early October ended what was supposed to be a magical season. Fortunately, with the quality of the Big 12 teams, Mizzou still had an opportunity for a New Year’s Day Bowl Game with a home tilt against rival Kansas and a conference championship with Oklahoma still on their schedule. But like Grandpa Favre, Jessica Romo, & Chucky in Tampa Bay, the Tigers choked and are now playing in the Valero Alamo Bowl against Northwestern.

Just like our friend, NW has been playin' while havin' some fun!

On the flipside, (9-3) Northwestern couldn’t have been happier with their season & ended things even better with a victory at the Big House and against state rival Illinois. While the class of the Big Ten is nowhere near the top dogs in the Big 12, the Cats & Coach Pat Fitzgerald have started to built something special in Evanston. Led by Sr. QB. C.J. Bacher and the return of Sr. RB Tyrell Sutton following another season decimated by injuries, NW will be playing with the confidence & emotion needed to keep pace with the high-flying Tigers.

If you paired Dania's legs with the Wildcats DE Corey Wootton's arms, you'd have a perfecct athletic specimen!

I know Coach Fitzgerald has nobody that can come close to handling WR Jeremy Maclin (95 rec, 1221 yrds, 12 TD), TE Chase Coffman (83 rec, 920 yrds, 10 TD), or contain the cocky QB Chase Daniel (4125 yrds, 37 TD, 15 INT), but with the momentum they’ve created and having a few more weeks to prepare, I expect a magical performance from the kids in purple. Led by 6-7 DE Corey Wootton (9 sacks), who does a wonderful job of getting his mitts-up on his pass rush, and the increased familiarity with the schemes 1st-year D-Coordinator Mike Hankwitz has brought in (last year he was Wisconsin’s D-Coord. before being a scapegoat), I guarantee the Cats force Daniel into a few turnovers (Btw, my guarantees work 60% of the time).

Sit back, relax, and watch NW keep this somewhat close!

On offense for Northwestern, while Bacher missed a few games in the middle of the year, he looked extremely sharp closing out the season & has a bevy of veteran WRs that have been the snagging the pigskin for him for years (Sr. Eric Peterman, Sr. Ross Lane, & Sr. Rasheed Ward combined for 151 catches this year). Throw-in the probable return of SR. RB Ty Sutton (776 yrds, 5.0 avg, 6 TD & 30 receptions) from a wrist injury causing him to miss the final four games, I expect the Wildcats to put up some points on the nation’s 99th ranked D (117th against the pass). As for how many points…enough to cover more than two TDs, FG, and safety they need for this teaser!

Final Score: NORTHWESTERN 24 MISSOURI 34

Mr. Aaron Gray finally has a match-up with a NBA frontcourt that won't exploit his athleticism!

CHICAGO BULLS (teased +9.5) @ NEW JERSEY NETS
I know the Bulls have looked worse than Courtney Love in a bikini of late, but tonight’s match-up with NJ might be exactly what the doctor ordered. Chicago’s lack of interior presence has enabled teams like the Clippers and Zach “Baby-fat” Randolph to wreak havoc for Vinny Del Scott Baio as they consistently dump the ball in and force his guard-oriented squad to double-down. But tonight, the Bulls will be treated to a similar style of play to their very own as the Nets basically let Devin Harris penetrate and dish on every play.

Unlike our friend Grace, Brook's legs are much thicker!

While some will say rookie C Brook Lopez is developing into that type of low-post presence, Chicago actually has a decent match-up in the slow-footed, but efficient 7-footer Aaron Gray. Likewise at the point, Derek Rose is one of the few players that has the speed to keep up with a player like Devin Harris. Sure the Nets also have Mr. Vinsanity to utilize one-on-one, but I actually think the injury to a struggling Deng helps tonight as Coach Baio will be forced to play the lanky defensive specialist Thabo Sefolosha on the aging superstar.

Gordon could cover these cause he's too busy shooting!

Even though Ben Gordon might be the worst defensive player in the NBA, he’s quietly having a remarkable offensive season (21 ppg, 45 fg% 43-3pt%) and will not be isolated by anybody of importance tonight. Throw-in the improved play of T-Time running & jumping with Rose and more minutes for the always solid Nocioni, and I firmly believe this one to go down to the wire tonight!NETS IN A BUZZER BEATER

To skip my Bowl pick & head to the hardwood...TOUCH MEMy Homeboy Colin Kaepernick runs like a Gisele!

Sorry, I meant "Gazelle", not "Gisele"...won't happen again!

Humanitarian Bowl – Boise, ID
MARYLAND TERRAPINS @ NEVADA WOLFPACK (-2)
In similar fashion to what I told you yesterday about Missouri having no desire to play in the Alamo Bowl, Maryland probably isn’t too excited about hanging in cold-azz Boise, Idaho for the holidays. While I’m sure we’ll see a few red turtles in the stands, tonight’s crowd will be dominated by Wolfpack & WAC fanatics riled-up to beat a team from the so-called power conferences. Especially with the unique Smurf Turf in Bronco Stadium where Nevada played one of the most exciting games in history last year (L to Boise St. 69-67), I expect the Terrapins to look shell-shocked for at least a quarter and to struggle all-night with the WACky nighttime atmosphere.

While you can say Hello Kitty, I'm saying Hello Colin!

On the football side, if you haven’t met the 6-6 duel threat gazelle, say hello to QB Colin MFin Kaepernick! The sophomore from Cali was spectacular again this season throwing 19 Tuddies, only five picks, and rushing for 1115 yards, 16 TD, and a redonkulous 7.3 average! While he’ll be dealing with a little more speed when facing the Terrapin LBs, the Wolfpack averaged almost 40 ppg this season and actually looked more cohesive as the season progressed. Overall, Nevada has won three of their last four with their only loss coming at the hands of previously undefeated Boise St. 41-34.

The Terps are gonna find it hard to bring down Taua!

And while Kaepernick, the WAC’s 2nd leading rusher, steals the headlines, let’s not forgot who took home the rushing crown in the conference…his tailback and battling-ram Vai Taua (1420 yards, 6.7 avg, 14 TD). Also a sophomore, Taua surprised everybody as his fame came once last year’s superstar RB Luke Lippincott when down with a season-ending injury in Week Two. Also, while Taua wasn’t much of factor in the passing game early in the year, Kaepernick has started to trust his 225-lb partner in crime (last 2 games: 9 rec, 79 yards) opening things up even more on the outside. Throw-in three solid targets at WR, including Sr. playmaker Marko Mitchell (1011 yards, 18.1 avg, 9 TD), and Nevada won’t have any problems putting some points on the board against a slightly above-average Terrapin defense.

While Miranda is always consistent, Maryland is not!

On the flipside of the wild excitement from the WAC darling, Maryland has lost three of four and been the definition of inconsistency in the pigskin world this season. Jr. QB Chris Turner was supposed to turn the corner this year, but his production actually dropped in some areas and he’s only thrown one more TD (11) than pick (10). As for the running game, So. Da’Rel Scott (959 yards, 4.9 avg, 6 TD) has shown glimpses of being a premier back, but seems to be looking of his shoulder aware Fr. Davin Meggett (son of NFL scatback David Meggett) will soon be taking the reigns. While the 5-8 Meggett (422 yards, 5.3 avg, 4 TD) is dangerous every time he touches the pill, the Terrapins have struggled all year to find ways to utilize his abilities.

If you want to invest in this guy...be my guest!

In closing, usually with a WAC squad facing an SEC squad, the biggest difference is seen in the trenches…and surprisingly, most experts actually feel the Wolfpack is more dominate in both those areas. Nevada is holding teams to under 75 rushing yards per game, which means Maryland’s inconsistent QB will have to pull off some magic in the crazy nighttime WAC atmosphere on the legendary Smurf Turf. And in my humble, correct opinion that ain’t gonna happen Homeboys!

Final Score: TERRAPINS 24 WOLFPACK 37

Just like our favoite girl from the Hills, will the Hawks be too cool for school after all the hype they've received recently?

LSU TIGERS @ GEORGIA TECH YELLOW JACKETS (-4)
In the collegiate pigskin world of the spread offense and the Warren Moon run-n-shoot, Paul Johnson’s triple-option is a breath of fresh batcave and makes me smile more than an Asian Hair Dresser wearing a school-girl outfit. Even with limited resources at Navy, Coach Johnson struck fear in the power conferences when they saw the Midshipmen on the schedule. Now with the sick athletes at Georgia Tech, those same coaches look more nervous than a frat-boy heading to Planned Parenthood for the results.

Just like this magical bikini, the triple-option is magnificent!

While everyone thought it would take some time to convert the Yellow Jackets into a wishbone scheme, Johnson proved his magic was already in place during their regular season finale at Georgia. Against their in-state rival and preseason National Title favorite, the triple-option exploded for 409 rushing yards in a 45-42 victory on the Dawgs lawn. Led by future NFL star Jonathan Dwyer (1328 yards, 7.0 avg, 12 TD), the breakout performance from the lightning quick Fr. Roddy Jones (vs Georgia: 13 carries, 214 yrds, 2 TD) and a QB born to run the option (So. Josh Nesbitt- 631 rushing yards, 7 TD), Tech put the nation on notice that there’s a new dynasty in the making.

Mr. Johnson is gonna make life miserable for LSU's Fr. QB!

While the defense gave up plenty of yardage against Georgia, the Dawgs are littered with NFL skill position players, a veteran QB, and plenty of confidence. As for LSU, they finished the season in disarray losing four of their last six, including a blowout home loss to Mississippi, and still have no idea who their QB of the future is. Tonight, after experimenting with Jarrett Lee & Andrew Hatch most of the season, Nick Saban’s water-boy will give Fr. QB Jordan Jefferson (42 comp% - 2.8 rushing avg) his second start of the season trying to prove this was a rebuilding year. As for a prediction, at least two sacks from the small forward playing DE Michael Johnson!

Rumor has it she had a Yellow Jacket on before this!

While the Bubble Bee D has given-up its fair share of yards, the new scheme installed by Dave Wommack should benefit from the additional time to prepare. And speaking of few extra weeks, how do they think the displined triple-option will look after Coach Johnson is finally able to throw-in a few more wrinkles? As for a prediction on one of those wrinkles, Nesbitt is a better passer than his numbers suggest. After pounding the ball all evening, look for the extremely underrated & Andre Johnson-sized WR Demaryius Thomas (6-3, 230 lbs) to pluck a few one-on-one jump-balls for his biggest game of the season. I could go on, but I need to start cracking on my Icehouse sautéed Shrimp for my New Year’s gathering. Take my word for it, Georgia Tech rolls like Kirstie Alley after a runaway donut.