Hunger Games

In a surprisingly candid recent interview, Academy Award winning actress Jennifer Lawrence, best known for her role as Katniss Everdeen in the stupidly successful Hunger Games movie series, was asked about her recent break-up with Coldplay frontman Chris Martin – a question which turned the beautiful, charismatic, and young star’s face bright, blushing red.

“Chris and I had a very fun time together – we traveled, went to amusement parks, we did the things fun couples are supposed to do,” Lawrence said. “I never was a big fan of his band Coldplay, but my God, who is, right? Anyway, we met, and he is a sweet guy. A little too sweet really, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

So why did such a wonderful, fun, sweet relationship come to an end? Well, despite what sounds like a picture-perfect romance, Lawrence said that there were some shortcomings in the relationship.

“Well…he didn’t quite measure up…to certain aspects as previous boyfriends, I guess you could say,” said Lawrence. The young mega-star then composed herself, took a deep breath, and said, “Chris and I didn’t work out, because he just couldn’t fulfill my needs,if you know what I mean. Actually, let me re-phrase that. Chris literally couldn’t fill my needs. At first it was kind of cute, and it didn’t bother me at all. I’m not some materialistic type chick, I never was. But eventually, I just didn’t feel like he was the right fit for me, or that maybe I was the right fit for him and, in the end, that had a lot to do with it.”

Despite the break-up, Lawrence says that she and Martin remain good friends.

“The relationship wasn’t going to be growing any time soon. In fact, I think it may have stopped growing right before puberty. But despite that, Chris and I are still happy we met, because as I said, he’s a great guy. We’re just better as friends than lovers, as is often the case these days,” said Lawrence. “He really is a wonderful human being, but I mean, you don’t sell a bajillion records if you’re not trying to overcompensating for something. Which is why there’s no way I’ll ever date Chad Kroger from Nickelback.”

Lawrence was ranked the #1 sexiest woman in the world on the FHM ‘100 Sexiest Women In the World’ list. Martin’s ex-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, refused to comment.

In a bold move by the Federal Prison System to combat swelling overpopulations of their institutions, a real-life Hunger Games reality show has been launched by MTV in partnership with the Federal Justice Bureau. The show features violent criminals and convicts squaring off in an enclosed area of a major city, in a full-blown fight to the death. The winner of the contest is awarded freedom and a second chance at life. The show has been titled Con Stars.

Season 1 began pre-production last week in Detroit, scouting locations and filming exteriors. Future seasons will film in other urban and violent cities across the country. Based on buzz alone, season 2 has already secured a green light, and executives are rumored to be eying Camden, New Jersey as their next death ring.

The show is hoping to be a ratings smash, and execs are looking to at least secure the number 2 slot, just behind the Walking Dead. TV analysts suggest that the show will set a new precedent for Reality TV – while mind-numbing stupidity used to suffice, with shows such as Jersey Shore and Honey Boo-Boo running the ratings, Con Stars hopes to knock them out of the park.

Before all the glitz and glamor of TV could begin, the show’s concept had to pass through the U.S. Congress first, the first show ever to be scrutinized by the government before airing. Members of Congress had to give the show the go-ahead, and the decision also had to have a Presidential seal of approval on it as well, as President Obama would be the one to sign the winner’s pardon, setting him free.

Curiously, there was little pushback from either the republicans or democrats on the actual content of the show, and both sides spent more time arguing whether The Hunger Games was a ripoff of Battle Royale or The Running Man. Ron Paul, who is generally ignored by the other members of congress, was the voice of reason throughout the hearing, stating that The Hunger Games was clearly a ripoff of Death Race 2000, the David Carradine film which pre-dates both Battle Royale and The Running Man.

“If you watch both of the Hunger Games films you’ll notice elements stolen from the Running Man and Battle Royale scattered throughout. Death Race 2000 came even before all those, and if you really break it down they’re all reminiscent of Gladiator fights in a modern setting. What makes Hunger Games plagiarism as opposed to tribute is the author denied knowledge of all those prior films and books. What does she think, we’re stupid?”

Congress agreed to let Viacom, parent company of MTV, produce the show with actual prisoners. All of the men selected will be at the discretion of the board of prisons in each state. As of this writing, the 30 contestants were being selected from institutions around the country, and filming is set to begin in August. The show will premiere on MTV and MTV2 in the channels’ winter lineup.