HORROR-Scopes!! Presented by Dr. Cranfill

Now that the lawsuit is settled, Dr. Cranfill’s HORROR-SCOPES can make their triumphant return. What lies in wait for you Cancers and the rest of the zodiac? Only Cranfill knows….

(June 22nd-July 22nd)Cancer– all i want is a couple days off….Yeah? Well all I want is a sexy pillow fight between Alison Brie and the red haired girl from True Blood to break out on my bed while I’m in it. That’s probably too much to ask for but a bonus day off work probably isn’t. We Americans work entirely too much. It’s all broken down in this graph. Cancers, find yourself a personal day to take off. Maybe a Monday. Like this Monday. No work. No errands. No worries. Maybe some golf. And some booze. Ok sure. This is me officially letting my boss know I am taking Monday off to go golfing and boozing. If I don’t hear back from him I am going to assume that means approval. Good. Glad we got that cleared up. Power song? Huey Lewis and the News- Couple Days Off

(July23rd-Aug.21st)Leo– you cant start a fire without a spark…Well actually Bruce. You can. By spraying dry ethanol onto the highly toxic chemical, Chromium Oxide VI, you get an exothermic reaction of fire where no spark was ever present. IN YOUR F&*%#$!& FACE SPRINGSTEEN!!! I just made you my chemistry BITCH! But alas, Chromium Oxide VI is kind of expensive and I think your name goes on one of those LISTS when you buy it. So, if it’s a fire you want this week Leo’s, I say provide your own spark. This guns for hire….. Power Song? Bruce Springsteen- Dancing in the Dark

(Mar.21st-Apr.20th)Aries- i wonder, hows it gonna be….Aside from being greatest hot ham band to ever grace the face of this stupid, stupid planet, you wanna know what else Third Eye Blind is? They’re a band of forward thinkers. Listen to em. “How’s it gonna be when you don’t know me? How’s it gonna be when there’s no one to talk to? How’s it gonna be when I leave you for your hotter sister?” Ok maybe they never said that but it’s clear they’re thinking about the future. Not just how to get there, but what it’s gonna be like when they DO get there. You should do the same on whatever change you’re contemplating at the moment. Power song? Greatest Band Ever To Live- Hows it Gonna Be

(Oct.24th-Nov.22nd)Scorpio– take your baby by the hair….Take her by the what now? Hair? Sweeeeeet. Seriously… who doesn’t like a good hair pull every now and again? I know for a fact several of you Scorpios do. And I get it. There’s passion in a good hair pull. Whether its the “slap my ass and call me Susan” kind OR it’s the slow, sensual draw you in close variety, they both come from the fiery pit of true passion. You Scorpio’s need and crave this kind of fire. But be careful little dragons. Don’t forget to breathe your own fire while out looking for others that do the same. Power song? WangChung-Dance HallDays

(Nov.23rd-Dec.22nd)
Sagittarius– La donna è mobil qual piuma al vento….Unless you are fluent in Italian, you have no idea what any of that meant. If you DO know Italian and aren’t actually Italian, screw you for being a bilingual show-off sonofabitch. Jerk. Point is, most of us red blooded, Target shopping Americans don’t speak Italian but we don’t need to know it to enjoy Pavarotti belting it out in his legendary operatic tenor. LESSON!!! You don’t need to necessarily understand something to enjoy and appreciate it. Some things are visceral and have no need for science. Power song? Luciano Pavarotti- La Donne Y Mobile

(Sept.24th-Oct.23rd)Libra– lie to get what I crave……Track 1. The Package byA Perfect Circlefrom the 13th Step album. 13 steps. Just like in a recovery program. Sorry to tell you Libras but you’re going to be dealing with a junkie in stage 1 of 13 this week. They’re going to be on a fresh package and you’d do well to just let them crack out. I know its against your nature but there’s a process here you need to let run its course. This won’t necessarily be a drugs thing either. It could be about love. But then again, aren’t love and drugs pretty much the same thing? Power song?A Perfect Circle-the Package

(Aug.22nd-Sept.23rd)Virgo– across that line on the darkside yeah….What CAN’T we learn from John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band? Obi Wan may have warned us of the dark side first but that was a long time ago and in a galaxy far, far away. Meanwhile, John Cafferty is fromRhode Island. Virgo’s. You’ve been dancing dangerously close to the dark side on something here recently. Time to make a decision. Are you popping and locking for the Empire or for the Rebellion? Figure it out. The rest of us are confused. Power song? John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band- On the Darkside

(May 22nd-June 21st)
Gemini– its just you and me against me……..Before I get into this, does Jack White do ANYTHING that isn’t 1000% awesome? Same goes for Danger Mouse. It’s a shame some stations, AHEM KROQ, aren’t playing this song. It’s as the kids say, swag. You and me against me? That seems a bit unfair. But as Janet Jackson once said, that’s the way love goes. Gemini’s, if you find yourself in a relationship where your other is skilled in the arts of turning you against yourself, get out now. It’s pretty muchRussiain winter. Don’t make the same mistake Napoleon and Hitler did. Power song? Danger Mouse & Daniel Luppi feat. Jack White- Two Against One

(Feb.20th-Mar.20th)Pisces– if you want to hang out, you’ve got to bring her out, cocaine…..Oh so if I don’t have any coke then I cant hang out? Is that what you’re saying Eric? You just wanna use me for my booger sugar huh? Well. I better get used to it. You know why? People use other people. All the time. That’s just the way it is. We live in a social barter system people. I help you move and you lower your standards for me one drunken night. Win-win. Respect the social barter system. Use. Get used. Use again. All within reason of course. Power song? Eric Clapton- Cocaine

(Jan.21st-Feb.19th)Aquarius– take it, to the limit….one more time….If there ever was a song to put on repeat while drinking yourself to death, it would be this one. Sad that’s where my head goes eh? Anyway. Aquarii, the time has come to take that one thing to the limit ONE, more, time. I know you said you were done and never again but trust me. One, more, time. If for nothing else to prove it to yourself it can be done. Remember. For every Brett Favre there’s a George Foreman. I think you’re a George Foreman. Power song? the Eagles- Take it to the Limit

(Dec.23rd-Jan.20th)Capricorn– we were meant to live for so much more……Man, SCREW Nietzsche, when I wanna get all philosophical and junk, I just throw on some Switchfoot. For real. Listen. You Capricorns have a slight tendency of taking things too seriously or of making something out of nothing. Not everything has to be deep and have a bigger meaning. Sometimes it just is what it is and that’s ok. I mean, how else can you explain Real Housewives of New Jersey? Let Jacques Cousteau search the bottom of the ocean, you stay in the kiddie pool for now. It’s what you need. Power song? Switchfoot- Meant to Live

(Apr.21st-May 21st)
Taurus– im not your fool nobody’s fool…..Good god. Look at everybody’s hair in the video for you power song. Good thing Cinderella wasn’t around in the early 1700’s or they would’ve been scalped for their pelts. Tom Keifers’ coif alone could easily keep 2 Iroquois children warm thru the winter. Cinderella reneged on their promise to be nobody’s fool but I need you Taurii to stay strong. Like this piece of concrete. No falling for repeat offenders this week Taurii. I know you know I know you know better. Right? Power song? Cinderella- Nobody’s Fool