Welcome to the conclusion of "The customer is always an Ass". I haven't really stopped shaking my head at some of the ones from last week, so if you're in the mood for laughing and feeling guilty about it, you're in the right place!

Years ago when I worked in a restaraunt kitchen, I sent out one of our more popular items which happened to be mushrooms in a hot skillet. We put garlic butter in it so that when the butter hit the hot skillet it would smoke and look all cool and whatnot. So I send this thing out to the table and a man was sitting in the non-smoking section with his kids. The server walked by his table with the smoking mushrooms to get to the table it was destined for. The man saw this food going by his table and shouted to his kids:

"COVER YOUR MOUTH AND NOSE KIDS.....DONT BREATH THAT STUFF IN!!!"

After the server dropped the food off she walked back over to the screaming man so see if everything was alright. He was fuming:

"I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE NON SMOKING SECTION!!!"

The server explained that it wasnt smoke, but just butter burning in a hot skillet with mushrooms in it.

"OH SO YOU MEAN THAT MY CHILDREN ARE BREATHING IN AIRBORN MUSHROOM SPORES!?!?! AND NOW THEY WILL HAVE MUSHROOM GROING IN THEIR LUNGS??!?!?!!"

My manager at the time came over to try and calm the man down , but to no avail. We ended up buying his entire meal for him. I just don't get it. Airborn mushroom spores that can grow in your lungs. They are a threat to us all.

I love my job and my customers, most of them are awesome people. My boss is so cool, he deserves his own thread. You do get a few rotten people once in a while. Nothing bad like whats been described here, but "inconveniencing" rather.

The place that I work is a print shop that does professional design. For better or for worse, we are "available" to common people and our prices are affordable and it works out cheaper for you in the end because you can also print right there. I'm one of the two graphic designers but sometimes I man the counters.

Anyway, the point of the above is that we don't have to look busy to be busy. Apparently thats not enough for some people. One time, when everyone was at lunch and the machines were getting the much needed downtime, a pair of customers walked in - man and a woman. The woman comes up to me, while the man sits down on our couch, crossing his legs in a show of self-important assholery.

The woman, with a pleasant smile, approaches the counter.

Woman: "I have a disc here has some documents we want printed."

Me: "Sure, no problem"

I found that they want them black and white, double-sided, blah blah blah and 10 copies. I check the disc and find out that there are 180 .doc files - most of them tables that reach right to the edge. This is suicide, as usually we have to mess about with margins to make sure they come up fine. Imagine doing it for 180 files. I fucking hate Word.

I explained the price, the fact that there could be extra fees, and mentioned that we are booked until thursday and won't be able to start until then.

The look on the woman's face went from cheerful to sad to "oh shit I'm gonna get beaten tonight". She looked at her partner who, during this entire exchange, was looking at me like I was raping her.

Asshole (without standing up or twitching a muscle): "No." Me: "W-what?" Ass: "No, that's unacceptable." Me: "Well, I'm sorry, but I can't do anything about that. We are busy-" Ass: "Where? I don't see you being busy." Me: "Well, we are." Woman (almost pleading): "Please! We have a conference in an hour and a half!"

I'm a big pushover.

Me: "I can try and fit you in right now, but you will have to pay at the current rush-rate of 60% mark-up" (we were that busy) Ass: "NO. I don't want to pay that." Me: "I'm sorry, that's all I can do."

I said the last bit and meant it. At this stage I wanted to get rid of them.

The poor woman was nearly crying. The asshole never moved an inch.

Ass: "You are losing business here!" Me: "Not really." Ass: "You are losing $100 worth of work." Me: "$86.90 more like." Ass: "DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!" Me: "I can assure you that we currently have a lot more work, worth much more than that." Ass: "YEAH?! FUCK YOU! YOU ARE LOSING MY BUSINESS AND THATS NOT A GOOD THING TO DO!" Me: "Please leave. There is a copy centre just down the road, they can help you there." Ass: "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" Me: "Very well."

I left them and went about working. They spent half an hour, arguing. I think they were waiting for my boss or something. When he came back, I explained the situation to him. He went to the reception and fucking yelled "Alright, if you have no further business, get the fuck off my property."

Fun times.

I was a shift manager at a local Pizza Hut for about two years. We were a pretty shitty little store, the store manager had just taken it over before I got there from someone who was just plain doing a bad job. So I guess we had a reputation, but I digress.

There was this one guy who always came in and wanted something for free. He didn't even order anything, he'd just walk in and say, "hey, is that an extra pizza? Let me have that, will ya buddy?" In the beginning, we never really told him to fuck off, just nicely told him that we can't do that.

But he'd do this at least once a week, and then he started hitting on the >18 girls working the phones and waitressing, and doing this when there was a rush. Eventually one of the other shift managers told him politely but harshly to get out and don't come back. When he did, she pushed the holdup alarm

She didn't say anything to the guy, either, just kept giving him the cold shoulder...until the cops came, and she got this crazy scared look on her face and pointed at him...I'll never forget the look on his face when the cop pulled his gun on the guy. Still didn't keep him gone after that, though. It took the store manager outright telling him never to come back or else...I don't know what he said, but it worked.

I've recently gotten a second job as an usher at a theatre in downtown Toronto. Tonight was the opening/media night of the main stage show, and there are no pricks stuck further up their own asses than people from internet sites who attempt to get onto the media list, and when that fails, attempting to get media seats from the ushers. This occurs because the theatre I work at is a general admission/bar tables set up. Scene from this evening:

(I have just opened the doors. It is 45 minutes until the show begins. There is a nerdy looking gay theatre fanboy waiting at the entrance)

KatOuz: Hi! Can I scan your ticket, please? (AssHat hands over ticket) KatOuz: Alright sir, you can sit anywhere there is no"reserved" sign. Have a great show! AssHat: Uh, I should have reserved seating. I'm media. KatOuz: Oh, alright! Name and media outlet? AssHat: Buttface Von Taint, iamagianttheatrefag,com* (I check the list, even though we don't grant web writer's media status) KatOuz: I'm sorry, sir, we must have left you off the list. Here, I'll lead you down to one of best seats near the front. AssHat: I was left off the list? Where's the PR rep? My website receives near a thousand hits a day! I must be on the list! KatOuz: I'm so sorry, let me walkie the PR. (I move off to the side, pick up the PalmPilot that we use to scan tickets, and which has no voice or speaker function) KatOuz: Laura? His it's Kat. There's a man up here who runs iamagianttheatrefag.com; you must have accidentally left him off the media list. Oh, OK. Oh, alright. Will do. Sorry to bother you! (Walk back to the asshat) KatOuz: I'm sorry, we just didn't mark you're seat. Here, follow me! (I lead him to the worst possible seat in the house. He doesn't notice) AssHat: Oh, these are fantastic! Do you know where (list of many critics from the city) are sitting? I want to talk to them about the play I'm writing? Oh, and what do they look like? KatOuz: I'll keep an eye out for you! AssHat: Can't I know now? And where are my free alcoholic beverages? And my press kit? And my backstage access pass? KatOuz: Oh, the PR rep will be along after the show. Bye!

Fucker.

*names have been changed to protect the toolish

There must have been something in the air today; despite it being a slow day, I had three seperate incidents that left me fuming.

Background: I work at Michaels (arts & crafts store).

INCIDENT ONE: A woman called and asked if we carried Klutz activity books. We do, and she asked for a title called "Paper Accessories". I'm pretty familiar with the section and have never seen this one, and told her the closest we had was one with paper twirling.

"So you won't even go look for me?"

(I'm at the register ringing up customers.)

"Well, I can send someone to double check, but I'm certain we don't have that title."

Silence. She hung up on me.

INCIDENT TWO: I can tell this little old lady's gonna be a problem before I even start ringing her up. Despite the fact that only my register a) has a light on b) has people being rung up and c) has a cashier behind it, she stands up at customer service for a few minutes as though waiting for someone to magically appear at her command.

She finally gets it and gets into line. When it's her turn, she hands me three floral items and I ring her up. She gives me a coupon, and I explain that her items are already on sale, the coupon does not apply (it says ON ONE REGULAR PRICED ITEM on it in big letters.)

Her: "THAT'S NOT RIGHT, THESE WEREN'T ON SALE LAST NIGHT." Me: "Well ma'am, our sales run from Sunday to the end of Saturday, so today's the start of a new sale." Her: "THIS ISN'T RIGHT. I'M GOING TO REPORT THIS."

Checking the original prices, I tell her that everything she's bought is on sale for 50% off or more, and therefore the coupon would not have saved her any more anyways. After carefully showing her the original price and sale prices, she finally gets out her wallet.

Her: "WELL I DON'T WANT TO GET YOU IN TROUBLE, SO I'LL JUST TAKE THEM. AND RING ME UP FOR ANOTHER ONE OF THE PLANTS." For some reason the "not getting you in trouble" part pissed me off the most. I was half tempted to invite her to report to my supervisor, who probably would have just laughed in disbelief. Actually, my supervisor said I should have sent her over. But I'm not that outwardly mean.

INCIDENT THE THIRD: This probably wouldn't have bothered me as much if it weren't after the last two. Another woman wants to make a return, and has photocopies of her receipts. I explain that our return policy is that without the original receipt, we can only issue merchandise credit. This turns out not to be an issue since she's exchanging anyways, and ends up spending more that she returns. But afterwards...

Her: Are you under new management? Me: No, we've had the same managers for years. Her: Because I've only had this trouble making returns recently. Me: (wondering what the "trouble" is) Well, recently the company has been scammed out of a lot of money because people have doctored their receipts, so corporate has been enforcing the original receipt rule. (Last summer I personally handed about $50 in cash to one woman only to later discover she had doctored her receipt...I'm still a little sore over it.) Her: Yes, but I have photocopies.

She then grabs her purchases and storms out of there, leaving me to stare in wonder.

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About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.