Wednesday, February 07, 2007

DENVER (Feb. 6) - One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

well, I'll be dipped in shit. praise be. he's recovered from cock suckage and pineage. I wonder, maybe I should do this, too. I have such a hankering for dick. the change could do me good.

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev.

ok, let me get this straight. if I am recalling the original yarn, hags requested a massage and didn't realize the person giving him the massage was gay. he was also holding crystal meth for him, too. but had no intention of taking it (of course), and this non-gay, gay encounter was an isolated gay incident? WOW. I am loving the depths of this spin.

Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition. "He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."read more...

notice how situations is plural. shouldn't it be singular? remember, ralph mouth, hags only had one non-gay, gay experience. the shame of this paragraph is just perfectly brilliant.

When I act out it doesn't usually involve dick (maybe my own, not someone else's peepee).

Man, just admit you like the cock and get over it.

On the other hand...

I'm a little annoyed over the backlash over the two guys kissing while eating a Snickers bar. I completely channeled the Ladynad The Tramp moment when these guys kissed. I also laughed my ass off when they did manly things like drink oil and pull hair from their chests.

I passed the breakroom at work a few years back and two guys were talking. One said "not to be gay, but that's a nice haircut". The other reluctantly thanked him. I laughed then because there are guys like this (the one I knew talking was in the closet too), but I have dumbass relatives like this also.

Sometimes a cigar is a cigar and we can laugh at stupidity (without thinking that these commercials promote violence against gays).

Yes, the "complete" hetrosexual is an issue: does that mean he cracks a fat over photos of Hillary Clinton? Are you not a "complete man" if you can't imagine Condeleeza Rice bucking like a mustang as you deliver to her the state of your union, doggy style?

And what is an "incomplete hetrosexual"? You fuck chicks but listen to Judy Garland records? You accept oral sex from men you meet in bars, but only cum when you close your eyes and imagine it's Scarlett Johanssen gobbling on your knob?

I would like a video of how they proved he was completely hetero. I bet it was during a MMF three-way.

On second thought, I don't want that video. Haggard's weird lip-curling gives me the heebies.

Oh, and I agree with John on the Snickers ad. I liked the omnipresent homoeroticism in just about every ad during the Super Bowl. What was up with that? All that butt slapping finally get to those guys?

About Jewgirl

Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer and non-fiction essayist, among other literary loves. She is a contributing writer for Zouch Magazine and Mock Paper Scissors. To read more, hit http://katieschwartz.com/bio