UPDATE: Quick Search Confirms ‘Too Many People Living in London’

Google has confirmed that London is home to 8.174 million people, a population larger than entire countries, which by anyone’s standards is too many. After years of stressful and uncomfortable living and commuting by those who work in the important bits, research undertaken supports fears that the capital has become unacceptably overrun by other people. A recent survey showed that no matter which borough you live in, everyone agrees it’s “getting silly now.”

Tom, someone’s neighbour, said: “Always busy, isn’t it. People just don’t understand how much room they take up. Wasn’t always like this of course”, reflecting widespread concerns that we need to return to a less frustrating, more carefree, spacious London, like that we figuratively saw in the much beloved Victorian era when everything was fine.

Boris Johnson’s take on the situation provided a rare pragmatist message from the city’s Mayor: “I hear Haiti has a very similar population to London, yet is 25 times the size. I should think if we sent some people over, they could actually start doing someone some bloody good, helping earthquake orphans or shutting down witch doctor’s surgeries. Probably fit right in, a lot of them, too.”