Sexual assault is selfish and if a person does it, they do not truly love and respect the person they’re with.

It’s selfish, because it’s putting one’s own “needs” above someone else’s safety and well-being. It’s selfish because the person would rather avoid a potentially awkward moment than make sure their “loved one” does not have their boundaries crossed.

Love is not selfish. Love is respectful. Love is putting someone else’s needs over one’s own. If they truly loved me, they never would’ve risked hurting me.

My passion for swing dancing began with the best first date ever. After dinner and a movie, my ex taught me swing dancing… or what I later would learn was very sloppy East Coast Swing (a sub-genre of swing dancing). The relationship didn’t last, but my love for swing dancing has.

I’ve been dancing for five years now and it’s always brought so much joy to me. It’s exercise that doesn’t feel like exercise. It’s a great stress reliever. The music is incredible. And the people I meet are even better.

I’ve always felt safe in the community. Even when other women occasionally pointed out the creepy, socially awkward guys who I shouldn’t dance with. Even when a celebrity within the worldwide swing dancing community (Steven Mitchell) was accused of sexual assault by many women just a couple years ago. Even when Facebook groups popped up in response to this scandal and people shared many stories of non-consensual experiences at dance events. These awful stories sparked a worldwide conversation about consent in swing dancing. Nowadays in blues dancing (another sub-genre of swing dancing), the instructors always mention consent in their classes. It’s been exciting, especially as the survivor of many sexual assaults, to see a consent culture bloom within our communities.

You are not a monster. You did not come out of nowhere, emerging from the shadows to shatter the life of an innocent girl. You are not unexpected or unique. You were simply following the example of those around you. You are a product of our society.

When you were three, you were forced to hug and kiss people even when you didn’t want to. You learned that it’s okay for people to make you uncomfortable if it makes them happy.

When you were four, your cousin would hold you down and tickle you no matter how much you kicked and screamed at them to stop. Your relatives did nothing.

Important Definitions

- Sexual assault: any unwanted/non-consensual sexual activity. More information here.
- Rape: Sexual assault involving penetration.
- Consent: affirmative, sober, voluntary, unambiguous, verbal permission to engage in a specific sexual activity at a certain time. It can be withdrawn at any time and cannot be assumed under any circumstances. More information here.
- Trigger: anything that reminds a person of a traumatic memory in someone who has experienced trauma, often related to the five senses. They can cause flashbacks, anxiety, feeling disconnected, anger, feeling defensive, tenseness, feeling negative thoughts, etc. More information here.
- Rape Culture: a culture in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality. Examples here.