I feel silly as I write this. I’m in my forties, financially secure, had relationships but ultimately have stayed single. For many years now, I have wanted to adopt or foster a child. In the past year, I have realized that time is moving on and finally signed up to take classes to become a foster parent.

Here is the problem. My parents are incredibly negative when I talk about my plans. I’ve heard everything from “You won’t be able to date if you have a child” (well, I’ve dated for the past twenty-something years, and it’s time for something new) to comments about how “You won’t know anything about the child. He/she could steal from you.” Meanwhile, I haven’t asked for their opinion and never have asked for financial support.

I’ve tried talking to my parents about this, and it leads to glib responses and sometimes an argument. I know that I don’t need their approval, but I almost feel like they don’t like the kind of person that I am.

When I was a child and teenager, my parents were quite controlling in deciding that certain friends were “no good,” etc. I understand that they were trying to help me to become a successful person. Well, now I’m over 40, own a home, and have done well at my job. I know the pitfalls of fostering and adopting and have considered this for years.

Any advice/insight would be helpful. I have started to stick to “safe” topics on the phone with my parents (we live miles away from each other), but it seems like our relationship is strained just because I’m not doing things exactly the way they want me to.

I am very sorry that you have to deal with controlling parents that do not support your actions.

But it sounds like to me if you have been wanting and planning to foster or adopt a child, then its something that you are meant to do. This could be a series of lessons for you; one is to learn how not to let your parents control you, your feelings and your choices. Only we are in control of our fate and many people want to control others because of fear.

Perhaps they fear that you will raise the child better than they raised you, maybe they feel that once you have the child, they will no longer be in the picture.

So for that, the lessons for you is to learn how to overcome your parents controlling ways, also for you not to carry on those controlling ways to your foster or adoptive child.

Everything in your life will repeat until you stop the cycle and seems like in your life is to be controlled and to listen to your parents.

Be your person, do as you damn well, please. And do not let negativity and fear block you from what you want.

Also adopting or fostering a child will and can open doors, that could be the route that leads you to meet a wonderful loving person that will love to help you raise the child.

The universe is limitless, and opportunities come in the oddest places and times. Dare urself to step through and ignore all the negative stuff that is surrounding you! Think of negativity as noise and distraction from your primary goals.

Nobody has the right to control you. Watch YouTube videos about narcissist/co-dependent relationships. I would suspect that your parents are narcissists and you have codependent tendencies. The videos have helped my life tremendously, so yes I think counseling would work for you if you prefer that method. While I firmly believe your decisions are nobody’s business since you are asking I will give you my opinion. Take it for what it’s worth its just one person’s opinion.

In a way your parents are right, you have no idea what you are getting yourself into, and you don’t know what you’re doing, but that is every woman who has ever had a child. However hard you think this will be, I promise you it will be harder! I tell you this not to discourage you, but so you don’t feel like a failure when you have those moments, it is normal.

Also, I know it’s not politically correct to imply a woman can’t do it all, but I’m going to say it. Children need a male presence. You absolutely will have to deal with the child’s void of not having a father. Again I tell you this not to discourage you, but so you don’t have resentment towards this child for you not being enough. It is possible to raise a well-adjusted child, but your road will be harder, be aware it will need to deal with.

The story I’m about to tell you is not meant to discourage you but as an example of what not to do. My sister-in-law has two children via a sperm donor. She is so overwhelmed with raising the kids on her own she has her mother cooking, cleaning, disciplining the kids for her. She has built up resentment for her brothers because her brothers are not over every other weekend ” fathering” her children. She has resentment towards the children because they are she has resentment towards the whole family for not picking up the slack, and she is on depression medication. In her situation, she had the children to fill up an empty void she had inside of her. Her mother tried to discourage her, but she was adamant that she could handle it and this would make her happy. The truth is you need to be happy and complete before you have children, you need to have your “cup runneth over” so you have loved to offer the child. Don’t have children to try and fill you up; it doesn’t work. This goes for everybody not just single mothers.

Again I am not saying this to discourage you, having a child puts new meaning in your life and giving a child a loving home is very noble. The reality is your road will be harder, as long as you accept that you should be fine and do what is right for you! I wish you all the best and success with growing a family. Your life is your own; your happiness is your responsibility, don’t live for your parents and be honest with yourself.

Hello! It is wonderful that you are going to adopt a child! It will make a huge difference in the lucky child’s life as well as your own. Lots of people have kids for the wrong reasons.

You sound like a successful, balanced, mature, and responsible woman who is very capable of making her own decisions. Your parents have no right to try and tell you what to do and to put you down. Their reasons for why you should not adopt are really silly as well, in my opinion.

You don’t need their permission. In this day and age, us women are free to make our own choices. Adopting as a single woman to me is quite admirable! As long as you’ll be able to provide for the child financially, and give them the love that they’ll need, then that’s all it takes! No need to explain yourself any further on your decision to foster or adopt a child to your parents. This is YOUR life, and YOU are in control of it. I wish you the best of luck!