Essays on Life, Liberty and the Art of Depression

1) Thank the Lord almighty that Kate and Jon are finally friggin’ getting divorced. I am SICK of their whining. It’s worse than mine.

2) Ok, so she thwacked her kid on the bottom. She’s got 8, the kid was blowing a whistle and wouldn’t stop and NOW, she’s doing it alone. Was it child abuse? I got spanked a plenty and I think I’m OK (maybe not) and frankly, please tell me when time out works except on Nanny 911?

It hardly seems, I only see you my dreams,
I’ve seen a lot of you of late, but yesterday escaped.
I totally forgot, though I can’t believe,
June 17th came, and I forgot to grieve.
That day 6 years ago when you left my side,
Your spirit soared to way up high.
I want you to know, that not one day goes by,
That I don’t forget that you have died.
I type it yet I don’t accept,
I still hold the tears not yet wept.
So I put this out there to remember,
My thoughts of you so warm and tender.
I hope you’re well and doing fine,
I hate that it’s …

So my unemployed friend writes this letter in response to a classified:

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting…I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies. I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you …

The only thing worse than a winter cold? A summer cold (and swine flu but let’s not go there). Especially if the weather’s nice but since Noah and his arc have taken up residence on the east coast, maybe it doesn’t matter that much. However, I’m a very bad sick person and, up until a few years ago, every head cold turned into a sinus infection with rounds of antibiotics, blah, blah, blah. And so, after much research and pain, I have come up with a survival guide. Here it is:

So, I’m thinking that a great, inexpensive way to enjoy the summer (once it friggin’ STARTS–for Godsakes I am begining to think we need to hire Noah at this point) is to just pack up my things and head for a picnic in Central Park. Cheap, easy and fun, right? Um, well, according to TIME OUT KIDS, to really do it right, to really have the right amount of fun, it costs…$377 and that doesn’t even include food…but it does more

Feet on the desk? Not the end of the world.
Feet on a historical treasure? Welllll, not so good.
Feet on a historical treasure while talking to the Israeli Prime Minster? Worse.
Feet on a historical treasure while talking to the Israeli PM and then having a formal White House press photo taken? Worse yet.

Having visitors at same said desk while talking on the phone? Priceless.