Scared to set a Wedding Date

Ok, maybe I'm not so much "scared" as confused, intimidated, overwhelmed, or apprehensive.

The boyfriend and I have known each other since 2005, been dating since 2006, and have lived together since 2007. We've known that we've wanted to get married ever since we started dating but were in no hurry. We've recently had some positive changes in our lives which have sparked the discussion in the past couple of weeks about actually making it "official" between us.

Which is really what I've been wanting since the moment we met (or technically before, since we found each other online and were dating before we physically "met"). And I feel sorta shallow for this, but the thing is . . . how am I going to look and feel in a wedding dress? I was doing great with the weight loss last year, but have come to a dreaded plateau in the past few months. I'm not sure how I can settle on any date just yet when I don't know what direction my body is going. I've been big all of my adult life and have always dreamed of at least having a waist that curves in instead of out for my wedding. I'm currently at the lowest point I've been in about 10 years and think I'd be much more comfortable with my body after losing at least another 30-50 pounds.

So maybe this is the added motivation I've been needing to push myself harder and do better with? I'm willing to bet I'll do extra well in the next few weeks, maybe enough to break through this (I'm sure what I really need is to push the exercise more than anything else). I know that 30-50 pounds is totally doable, especially since I've already lost over 100 so far. I know I have the power to make it happen, and I'm doing all I can right now to get a hold of that again.

So I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here . . . advice, support, motivation, reassurance, someone to relate? Or someone to tell me I'm not shallow for wanting this? I've mostly tried to focus on my health and not worry about my size, but maybe dreaming about the big day isn't going to hurt.

You are not shallow at all. its a day that u will remember for the rest of your life and hopefully the only wedding dress youll ever be in. I would use this as motivation. I am the exact same way. Even though im not getting married anytime soon, i wouldnt want to get married until I thought i looked good enough in my eyes. Maybe you guys can just get engaged and have a long engagment. its a step closer, you just need some more time to lose the rest of weight you want.

I totally understand where you are coming from.. I don't have any advice, because I haven't figured it out myself! I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years and 5 months, we've lived together forever I think.. and we recently made a huge move across the country to advance his career.. so what's the hold up? I don't even want to be ENGAGED at my size. So I keep putting it off, and he keeps being supportive.

I think it's important to remember that your fiance loves you for you, not what size your wedding dress is. And don't underestimate stylists, they can do a lot for creating the illusion of an curvy, inwards, waist.. love the way you said that Do what you heart says.. because this is your life

While the wedding and your weight are connected, don't let one dictate the other. Don't put off the wedding in order to lose weight for the wedding. They should not be interlinked that closely. They are two separate goals that relate to each other but are not reliant on each other.

Set the date. Make it official. And work on your weight loss between now and then, but don't make the wedding day the deadline.

You will look beautiful at your wedding because it is your wedding! No matter how much you weigh. And if you have each goal be separate, you will be much happier at your wedding because you won't feel some sense of failure or dissatisfaction if you don't make it to some predefined goal.

Maybe set an interim goal for yourself - like 15 to 25 lbs, so half of what you are thinking. And then based on how long that takes, you'll feel more confident about how far out the date should be. So, for example, if it takes you 4 months to lose 20 lbs, you'll feel confident that you can lose another 10-20 lbs in 4 more months and be right where you were hoping to be by the time of the wedding.

But really, don't put so much focus on that one day, instead of the whole rest of your lives together.

If you both feel your relationship is ready to go to a deeper level, by all means just go get married.

A wedding is about the union. Not your weight, the dress, party, and other "stuff." All that "stuff" is just optional and you can be married without any of it.

My spouse and I have been married 3 separate times in 3 separate styles. We'll probably renew vows again in another way for some other anniversary too. I liked each of them for different reasons.... but these celebration things, what I wore, what we ate afterward... this STUFF wasn't WHY I married him or why we stay together.

Maybe set an interim goal for yourself - like 15 to 25 lbs, so half of what you are thinking. And then based on how long that takes, you'll feel more confident about how far out the date should be. So, for example, if it takes you 4 months to lose 20 lbs, you'll feel confident that you can lose another 10-20 lbs in 4 more months and be right where you were hoping to be by the time of the wedding.

But really, don't put so much focus on that one day, instead of the whole rest of your lives together.

This is like what I was thinking. Lose 10 pounds, see how you feel, see how long it takes you. Use the confidence from those 10 lbs gone to set an official date.

Now see, I really don't want to tie the two events together but I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Maybe my feelings will settle once this has a chance to sink in? I have been thinking about seeing where I am and how I feel in a month or so before looking into making any real plans, and maybe the suggested ten pounds will be enough of a boost to help me figure things out.

Maybe I should make it clear that I've always been a bit nervous about the idea of the ceremony itself, not the committment or our future as a couple. I'm just a horribly self-conscious person as it is and have always had trouble with being the center of attention (I have agoraphobia and social anxieties which certainly don't help). But while most of me is scared, part of me still wants that ideal wedding ceremony.

I do know the wedding isn't all about the dress or the party or whatever; I think in my mind I'm treating the commitment and the ceremony as completely separate things yet that they somehow have to be tied to each other to be socially acceptable. When he sensed my apprehension last night about setting a date he knew exactly why. He remarked that we could run out right then and there to do it with no pressure from friends or family (we do actually live in Vegas so we could literally hit the drive-thru to get married anytime we wanted)! Maybe we'll end up doing that anyway and have a more formal ceremony later on, when I feel more ready. I know he loves me for who I am, no matter what size; it's something he's made very clear despite any insecurities I had in the past with him. But when it comes to others?

Maybe my real problem is the whole friends and family deal. Although I'm not as horribly self-conscious as I used to be and as awful as it to feel this way, I feel like I've let people down with the way I look. Or maybe it's just the craziness of it all being pounded into my head over and over as I was growing up, that my size made me feel different and unworthy for a "normal," happy life. It's something I'm still struggling with at times. When I first moved here in '97 (and was 35 pounds heavier than I am now) he was asked by friends and family if I was pregnant (it was actually the very first thing his mom asked him after she met me!) as people were assuming he got "trapped" into this relationship since I wasn't at all the type they expected to see him with (not just fat, but shy and quiet). ****, even our old boss (we both worked under the guy at separate jobs) pulled him aside and asked if he knew what he was doing hooking up with someone like me, that I was only going to drag him down. You can imagine how all that made me feel. While I do feel accepted for the most part now, I still feel like I stand out the wrong way. He doesn't care at all what other people think and puts me first, but I don't know how to get over feeling self-conscious when I look and feel the way I do. I hate the way I've let it hold me back from enjoying certain things in life and wish I could find a way to put a stop to it.

It's just confusing and horribly self-depricating when I let myself think about it too much. It also makes me feel extremely shallow to even think about postponing the marriage to the person I love more than anything in the world just because I don't want to be horribly self-conscious over my weight on the day of my wedding. I know I shouldn't care what others think and I'm not expecting perfection, but I just . . . I dunno, I just want to feel like I'm at somewhat of a "normal" size and actually weigh less than my husband-to-be.

I'm sure things will work out fine, but maybe it helps to wonder, vent, and get feedback in the meantime!

Congratulations to you, first of all! You have lost so much weight, it's amazing! You are one of the people here I really feel inspired by, just looking at your pictures.

Being not comfortable in the company of others is not a good way to go about a wedding ceremony. And unfortunately I cannot predict what effect it will have on you. (For me, it was great, I felt like the most beautiful girl on earth thanks to the custom-made dress I had and I glowed so much I actually even like the photos )

But don't let these insecurities get in the way of having a wonderful celebration of your commitment to one another. Maybe lose some more weight, then get officially engaged, then set a date for next spring? That gives you plenty of time to lose the weight you want to lose, and you can never have enough time in planning a wedding. (We got engaged in May 2008 and married in August 2009. I lost only about 8 lbs even though of course I planned to lose about 60. And the last two months were crazy with preparations...)

I don't know anything about you, so I have no idea what kind of wedding you are planning. But in the process of planning mine, I had sound help in a community which was full of girls who stuck out - socially anxious, over-weight, you name any "social deviation", and everyone found a way to celebrate the commitment in a way she felt absolutely comfortable with.

And dreaming of the big day will most certainly help you to push yourself harder. You deserve the best, go for it!

I can understand social nervousness. But remember you don't have that kind of big ceremony where you are center of attention being stared at by a mess of people you may or may not know well.

Have it the size YOU and your intended want and only invite those YOU want there. They come in all types!

I've been hand-fasted among friends, married in a ceremony in City Hall with only parents and immediate siblings, and married by a minister outdoors among friends and some classmates of my kid. The kiddies sang "Twinkle Twinkle little star" as I went down the "aisle" in the grass. Very cute.

I've been to big, swanky formal hotel weddings with what felt like a few hundred people and I was lost.

Fancy restaurant weddings both inside and outside. One wedding was in a clubhouse on a lake because the two people were into boating. One was in a public garden ampitheater thing.

Casual backyard weddings with family and friends that was about 20 folks and BBQ, and I've even been to a 5 person wedding because I was a witness for the bride.

My cousin was married on the beach with only immediate family so I could not attend since I was not a sibling. Didn't mind it a bit -- I sent a gift/card later.

I've seen people get married in the middle of the Disney marathon at Cinderella's castle! They run, stop long enough to marry with the minister waiting there, and then go run some more to finish the race.

Really, and truly... they only people who have to like it is you and your intended and you are free to have it any way you want.

GL!
A.

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Started Oct 2014:

Last edited by astrophe : 05-28-2010 at 09:35 PM.

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