Sunday, July 31, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Those who believe and go into exile and struggle in the cause of God with their possessions and their persons are greater in rank in the sight of God; and they are the ones who attain salvation. Their Lord announces good news to them, of divine mercy and acceptance, and gardens for them, wherein is lasting happiness. Where they will abide forever. Truly there is a tremendous reward in the presence of God. [9: 20, 21, 22]

Hadith of the Day: Give people respite from evil, for that is a form of charity you give to yourself. [Bukhari & Muslim]

Wise Quote of the Day: Repentance of liars is lip service, for true repentance liberates one from sins. [Rabia al Basri]

Guidance of the Day: To make the most of your connection with your child, understand that in childhood, bidding for emotional connection is not an optional event. Children are designed by nature to behave in ways that attract attention from adults. From infancy on, a child's very survival depends on adults noticing them and taking action.

If children can't connect with parents through positive behavior, they will do it by acting up. For little ones, this may mean lots of fussy, whining, annoying behavior. Older children may become obstinate or defiant, just to get their parents' attention. But when parents turn toward their children's bids for connection in consistently positive ways, children are less likely to act up. Whether they are conscious of it or not, they know their parents are there for them emotionally, and they don't have to behave badly to prove it. The key is then to look for opportunities to turn toward your children and to connect emotionally with them. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: Marriage is not a fifty-fifty proposition but a willingness to give ninety percent. In giving whole heartedly you receive rich compensation. Be a person worthy of love, turn to God for help, if you put your trust in God and ask for strength, success is assured.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Ayah of the Day: The only ones to frequent and maintain the mosques of God are those who believe in God and the last day, and who practice prayer and give alms for the poor and fear none but God: then they may be among the guided. [9: 18]

Hadith of the Day: Modesty does not bring anything except good. Modesty is part of faith, and faith leads to Heaven; while vulgarity is part of disbelief, and disbelief leads to Hell. [Bukhari]Wise Quote of the Day: Son of Adam, whatever you earn beyond your upkeep you are storing for somebody else. [Ali radi Allah anhu]Guidance of the Day: If you want to improve your marriage, you should work on improving that fundamental unit of emotional connection, the bid. Remember: Happily married couples extend bids and respond to one another's bids for emotional connection at a much higher rate than unhappily married couples. They make a habit of constantly turning toward one another's attempts to connect. They avoid turning away or turning against each other. This habit has a remarkable payoff: It allows spouses to be affectionate to one another and maintain their interest and sense of humor, even when they're in conflict.

Husbands and wives who live mindfully together find a seemingly infinite number of ways to turn toward each other and connect emotionally. Mostly, this is a matter of noticing and responding to their partners' bids for connection. But husbands and wives can also be proactive, creating increased opportunities in their shared lives for turning toward one another. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for thought: The first years of life are crucial in determining what shall be the future of the child physically, mentally, and spiritually. That grave responsibility belongs by right of sex to the woman who bear and nurture the whole human race. Theirs is the right to bear and rear to maturity as well as to influence for good or ill the precious souls of men. The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Ayahs 0f the Day: There is immunity from God and the messenger of God for those polytheists with whom you have made treaties; So travel the earth for four months, and know that you cannot thwart God, and that it is God who thwarts the atheists. [9: 1, 2]Hadith of the Day: There is no obedience to created beings when it entails disobedience to the creator. [Tirmidhi, Ahmah]

Wise Quote of the Day: It is important to keep one's shame, whether male or female, for nothing destroys a nation faster than losing one's shame in public. The responsibility of maintaining a religious and modest society weighs on the shoulders of both Muslim men and women, so let us take this role seriously. [Shaykh Amjad Rasheed]

Guidance of the Day: Focusing on dreams can also help people find shared meaning within a conflict. The idea is to focus less on the conflict itself and more on the dreams, goals, or wishes that underlie each person's fixed position within that struggle. Some might call such dreams "hidden agendas."

There's a good reason for people in conflict to try to view one another's perspectives in a more positive light: Digging into each other's hidden agendas or hidden dreams offers a tremendous potential for intimacy and emotional connection. The trick to uncovering that potential is to stop trying to resolve the conflict. Instead, talk about the meaning your position holds for you.

When people in conflict start sharing their dreams/goals, the conversation becomes a revelation of what really matters in their lives. It becomes a bid for connection, an opportunity to turn toward one another with statements like: Now I understand," or "I can see why you feel that way," etc. [The Relationship Cure]Food for thought: Home is the ideal workshop for acquiring all of the gentle traits of femininity, as you function as a wife, mother, and home maker. The world isn't short of brainpower. It's short of love, kindness and spiritual values. The workshop for such teaching is the home and the mother the master teacher.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Ayah of the Day: As for those who believed later on, then went into exile and struggled along with you, they are of your number. But those with blood relations have more rights on each other in the decree of God. For God is cognizant of every single thing. [8: 75]

Hadith of the Day: If someone seeks refuge in Allah, give him refuge. If someone asks in the name of Allah, give him something. If someone does a favor, repay him. If you cannot find anything with which to repay him, then pray for him so that he knows that you appreciate what he has done for you. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day: Repentance, awareness of God, and uprightness are the foundations of all that is beneficial. Know that repentance is a key, God consciousness (taqwa) is vast, and uprightness is the source of rectification. [Shaykh Ahmad al Zarruq]

Guidance of the Day: Recognizing the idealism in one another's positions and talking about it can be tremendously helpful way to build emotional connections. Think of all the relationships that might be forged if people in conflict could say, "I know that we don't agree on this issue, but I understand that you're committed to your vision as I am to mine. Therefore I respect you.

All of this comes from each person sharing the meaning he or she holds within the conflict. Such sharing allows people to recognize the source of their conflict as idealism-- a recognition that leads them to turn toward one another and connect emotionally.

People form much more positive emotional connections when they encourage one another's dreams and aspirations. In this way, shared meaning provides the common emotional ground that motivates people to stay in a relationship or a job even when those bonds are wracked with conflict and struggle. People "hang in there," continually bidding and responding to bids for connection, because the relationship is part of what makes their lives significant. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: Inner happiness is a happiness of spirit, serenity, tranquility and peace of soul. It can carry you through the turmoil of life with a calm stability. Unhappiness arises from a failure within an individual--weakness of character, sin, failure to fulfill responsibility, or self centeredness.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: As for those who are atheists, they are helpers of each other. Unless you do this, there will be discord in the land, and much corruption. As for those who believed and went into exile and struggled for the sake of God, and those who gave shelter and assisted, they are the ones who are really believers; there is forgiveness for them, and a generous provision. [8: 73,74]

Hadith of the Day:Whoever is done a favor should repay it. If suitable payment cannot be found, then the doer can be praised, for by praising the person, you thank that person, whereas by not mentioning the favor, you show ingratitude. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day:Keep the company of the scholars; love them, benefit from them, be humble before them; and make your children accustomed to that as well, for the scholars are the inheritors of the Prophets. [Shaykh Bayanuni]

Guidance of the Day:How do we achieve shared meaning in our relationships? One way is to recognize that conflict often stems from people's idealism. If we can uncover the ideals hidden within another's position in a conflict, we can often find common meaning.

Another way to achieve shared meaning is to talk about our dreams and aspirations, fostering one another's support for these quests. And, finally, we can achieve shared meaning through the use of rituals--that is, regularly engaging in meaningful activities that draw people together emotionally.

Most conflicts don't arise from pathology. They develop because people attach different meaning to the same situations, which gets in the way of their ability to bid and respond to one another's bids for connection. But if they keep talking to one another and describing how they find meaning in their positions, they may reach some common ground, a place where meanings merge and compromise is possible. [The Relationship Cure]

Du'a of the Day:Allahummahdina li salihil a'maal wal akhlaaq. (O Allah! Guide us to the good works and manners).

Food for Thought: Pleasure is derived from things which pleases the senses, whereas happiness may arise from unpleasant experiences. Pleasure may be derived from sin, while happiness arises from the struggle to overcome sin.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Ayah of the Day: As for those who believed and went into exile, and struggled in the cause of God with their possessions and their persons, and those who provided shelter and assistance, they are friends to one another. As for those who believed but did not go into exile, you owe them no protection until they go into exile. But if they ask for help in religion, you are obliged to help them, except against people with whom you have a treaty. And God sees what you do. [8: 72]

Hadith of the Day: All of you are shepherds and are responsible for your flocks: A ruler is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is the shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a slave is the shepherd of his master's possessions and is responsible for them. So, listen! All of you are shepherds and all of you are responsible for your flocks. [Bukhari & Muslim]

Wise Quote of the Day:There is no good in wealth without generosity; there is no good in brotherhood without caring for one another; there is no good in a blessing that is short lived; and there is no good in supplication without sincerity. [Ali radi Allah anhu]

Guidance of the Day: Communicating well emotionally requires more than saying the right words; we also need to send and receive nonverbal messages accurately. The ability to discover shared meanings in our lives leads to greater stability in our relationships with friends, family, and coworkers. It helps people settle conflicts and collectively pursue the goals that really matter to them--goals like raising a healthy child, building a successful business, or helping an elderly relative die peacefully at home.

When two people find meaning, they're willing to support each other's dreams, even when there's little to gain personally from doing so. All of this is very good for relationships. The same thing happens in positive environments and healthy families. When people agree that their relationships lend meaning to their lives, they keep coming together, turning toward one another, and strengthening those relationships--even in the face of conflict. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: Happiness is the bud, the blossom, and the fruit of good actions. It must be earned. There are spiritual laws governing happiness, just as there are laws governing the universe. Happiness is through overcoming our weaknesses, performing our duties, losing our self centeredness, and putting ourselves in harmony with eternal laws.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: O Prophet, say to the captives in your hands, "If God recognizes good in your hearts, God will give you better than what was taken from you, and God will forgive you. And God is very forgiving, most merciful. But if they intend to betray you, they have already betrayed God; so God has given power over them. And God is all knowing, most wise. [8: 70,71]

Hadith of the Day: One who believes in Allah and the Last Day should do good unto neighbors. One who believes in Allah and Last Day should do good unto guests. One who believes in Allah and the Last Day should say something good or nothing at all. [Bukhari & Muslim]Wise Quote of the Day: Though the woman may chose any line of work which conforms to the etiquette and standard of sacred law, she may not upset the household structure in doing so. [Shaykh Sa'id Ramadan]

Guidance of the Day: Turn off the television. TV often interferes with people's ability to listen to one another. TV interferes with children's ability to connect, as well. American kids watch an average of two hours and forty-five minutes of TV a day. Some 17 percent watch over five hours daily. Compare this with other studies that show that kids spend just forty-five minutes a week talking to their parents.

More than two-thirds of kids over age eight said their families kept the TV on during meals, the times when you'd most expect kids and parents to be talking to each other. But with families' eyes glued to the set, the quality of interaction can only deteriorate. Indeed indicators of discontent--such as not getting along with parents, being unhappy at school, and getting into trouble a lot--are strongly associated with high media use.

So for the sake of your family relationship, limit TV watching. Be aware of occasions when TV gets in the way of your ability to respond lovingly to one another's bids for connection. Use the TV as a means to connect with each other, rather than as a means of isolation. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: The first law of heaven is obedience, and it should be the first law of every home. It is the foundation of an orderly home, a successful family, and the successful lives of the children. The wife is the key, when she sets an example of obedience to her husband, the children follow. The problems of rebellious youth can often be traced to homes where the mother disobeyed the father or showed lack of respect to his authority. [Their is no absolute obedience to any created being, it has to be within the guidelines of the Divine Law].

Sunday, July 24, 2005

At the present God has relieved you, knowing there is weakness in you. Yet if there are a hundred of you who persevere patiently, they will overcome two hundred; and if there are a thousand of you they will overcome two thousand, with God's permission. And God is with the patient.[8: 66]

Wise Quote of the Day:Submit to the rulings of religion, for Islam is linguistically derived from submission and do not engage in rational analogy using your intellect alone. For the intellect has limits that it can reach just as the sight has limit that it can reach. [Shaykh Bayanuni]

Guidance of the Day:Let go of your own agenda. It's hard to be a good listener when you are struggling to direct the outcome of a conversation. Listening---especially when a friend or loved one is trying to work through a difficult emotional experience---requires instead that you let go of your desire to control the situation.

Although we can't eliminate all the pain life presents our friends and loved ones, we can offer one another immeasurable support in difficult times simply by listening in authentic, emphatic ways. Often it comes down to developing the kind of mindful presence. The key is to look for those "emotional moments"---those unpredictable but golden opportunities we have to simply stop and say to another, "I understand how you're feeling right now." Communicating well emotionally requires more than saying the right words; we also need to send and receive nonverbal messages accurately. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought:The masculine and feminine roles are different in function but equal in importance. Together they can accomplish something that neither acting alone can accomplish. Each is distinct, yet neither is complete in and of itself. Their roles are neither identical nor interchangeable.

Friday, July 22, 2005

O Prophet, rouse the believers to battle: if there are twenty of you who persevere patiently, they will defeat two hundred; and if there are two hundred of you, they will overcome a thousand of those who scoff, because these are people who do not understand. [8: 65]

Hadith of the Day:

Let each of you protect himself against Hell Fire, be with even half a date (given in charity) - and if he finds (not even that small amount to give), then with a kind word.

Wise Quote of the Day:

The Islamic law opened the door of vocation in front of the woman such that she may be able to seek refuge through it in case of need and exceptional situations, or such that she may find in her profession an opportunity to convey a message or attend to important (issues). [Shaykh sa'id Ramadan]

Guidance of the Day:

Respond with an occasional brief nod or sound. This indicates that you are paying attention. Research shows that candidates who nod during interviews get the job more often than those who don't. Verbal cues such as "mm-hmm," or "yeah," or even a grunt serve the similar purpose.

From time to time paraphrase what the speaker says. Doing so tells the speaker that you're still interested, especially when you can restate the important parts. This also serves to ensure that you understand what's been said. A good time to paraphrase is when you introduce a question. For example: "You say you'd really love to go to Africa. Why do you think it would be a great place to visit?" Or, "It sounds like school has been really frustrating for you this spring. How is it harder for you now than last semester?"

Maintain the right amount of eye contact. Allow the speaker to catch your eye. Avoid staring, which can be interpreted as a sign of hostility or intrusiveness. But don't be afraid to look at the speaker. Avoiding eye contact altogether gives the impression of disinterest, nervousness, or lack of confidence. Be aware also that holding eye contact with a warm smile for several seconds may be interpreted as flirtatious or seductive. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought:The design for humanity is based on a division of labor. The best way to work in groups is by a division of labor. What a perfect plan God designed for the family. Since the woman is biologically created to bear children, her role as a mother is unquestioned. Her home making role is assumed. She must nurture her young and run the household, to free her husband to function as a provider.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Having harmonized their hearts. Even if you spent everything on earth you would not have harmonized their hearts, but God harmonized them, for God is wise. O Prophet! Count on God, and the believers who follow you. [8: 63, 64]Hadith of the Day:God shall torment those who torment others in this life. [Muslim]

Wise Quote of the Day:

There is no good in prayer without concentration and calmness; there is no good in fasting without refraining from idle talk; there is no good in reading without contemplation; there is no good in knowledge without piety. [Ali radi Allah anhu]

Guidance of the Day: Be sparing also when sharing past experiences with teenagers or children. Young people often have a hard time imagining that their elders were ever as young as they are. And it's specially hard for them to imagine that older people ever encountered challenges similar to the one's they are facing. Such lack of imagination is not their fault; it's just a normal part of being young.

You can still let youngsters know that you understand what they are going through. However, the best way is to engage them in friendly conversations about their own experiences. Ask pertinent questions, reflect back what you're hearing, and emphasize.

Tune in with all your attention. Once you have encouraged somebody to talk, the next step is to listen---really listen. This probably sounds simpler than it is. Many people have an unfortunate habit in conversation of planning the next thing they are going to say rather than turning in to what the other person is saying.

It may help to think about your conversation as a tour of some aspect of this person's life. Be willing to go along for the ride, asking questions in ways that show your sincere interest and natural curiosity. Listen in a way that feels natural, not forced. Your expressed interest ought to be genuine and consistent with your own personality. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought:

Children tend to respect a firm father and love him more because of his firm training. and it is always best for the children to feel their mother's support for their father's authority, and the united front of their parents. Try to understand that any advancement to a better, happier life is difficult.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Now if they incline toward peace, then incline to it, and place your trust in God, for God is all-hearing, the all-knowing. And if they mean to deceive you, surely you can count on God, the One Who strengthened you with Divine Aid and with the believers. [8: 61, 62]

Hadith of the Day: Make much remembrance of the destroyer of pleasures, (i.e. death). [Tirmidhi & ahmad]

Wise Quote of the Day: For one who initiates wrongdoing there is remorse on the morrow. [Ali radi Allah anhu]

Guidance of the Day: Ask questions about people's goals and visions of future. Such queries can be a great way to connect. Look for commonalities. People are attracted to those with whom they have things in common, so make it a point to let other know when you share similar views or backgrounds. At the same time don't try to make yourself the focus of conversation. Say enough to establish common ground and emphasize, but always remember to share the floor.

When you want people to disclose information about themselves, it can help to reveal details about your own life first. Be sure to aim for balance, however, sharing too much personal information too early can be harmful to relationships. Your conversation partner may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of what you're sharing, or feel pressured to become too close too soon. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought:The key to acceptance is humility - realizing our own frailties and limitations and therefore looking to ourselves for change. Only with this spirit of humility can we build a successful relationship with another person.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Let those who scoff not figure they are ahead, for they will not cause frustration. And prepare what power you can against them, including cavalry to terrify God's enemies and yours, and others beside them whom you do not know, but whom God knows, and whatever you spend on the cause of God will be repaid to you, and you will not be wronged. [8: 59, 60]

Hadith of the Day: Do not gloat over your brother's misfortune, lest Allah give him well-being and afflict you. [Tirmidhi]

Wise Quote of the Day: Be steadfast in reading books of knowledge and in teaching them to people. For the best of people are those who learn and teach. [Shaykh Bayanuni]

Guidanc of the Day: Start by asking questions. Don't ask the kind that can be answered with simple one-word responses. Instead, ask questions that allow people to explain their points of view and elaborate. Questions that begin with the words "Why do you suppose..." and "How do you think.." are good for this. Avoid questions that are too open ended---questions like "What's new?" or "How's it going?" Too often people get pat responses to such queries, perhaps because they are not sure you really want to know.

But if you ask the same type of question in a more tailored way, you are sure to get meatier answers. Examples: "So what's your latest project (at school, in your department, around the house, etc.)?" "How's your summer going? Got any vacation plans?"

It's good to ask specific questions, but it's not good for a relationship to pry, or to manipulate people into telling more about themselves than they're comfortable revealing. To find the right balance of disclosure, let the other person take the lead as you ask open-minded questions related to information that person has already revealed. [The Relationship Cure]

Du'a of the Week: Allaahumma innaa na'oozubika min qaswatil quloob. (O Allah! we seek refuge from the hardness of the heart).

Food for Thought: A loving marriage is the foundation of a happy family, and a happy family the foundation of a stable society. Most of the problems in this world stem from troubled homes. If we are to have peace in the world, we must begin at home.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Those with whom you made an agreement, then they break their promise every time, without pangs of conscience. So if you prevail over them in war, then disperse their followers with them, that they may take a lesson. And if you really fear treachery from a people, default on them equally; for God does not like the treacherous. [8: 56, 57, 58]

Hadith of the Day: The believer's shade on the Day of Resurrection will be his sadaqa. [Tirmidhi]

Wise Quote of the Day: Live treating others well and avoid aggression, and should others aggress against you leave them but in the best way. [Ahmad al Zarruq]

Guidance of the Day: While understanding metaphors and all the various forms of nonverbal communication can boost your ability to connect with others, you won't get far without a strong foundation of good, basic listening skills. Your knack for drawing others out and expressing genuine curiosity about their lives can be a real boon to bidding for connection and establishing satisfying relationships. Good listening skills can help you to feel easy in all sorts of social situations, and to build the kind of rapport that leads to solid emotional bonds.

Focus on being interested, not interesting is some of the best advice available. You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in you. You can apply the same principle to building better relationships with your spouse, your siblings, your children, your boss--with anybody who plays a significant role in your life. That's because everybody wants to feel valued and appreciated. And nothing fosters such goodwill as your ability to pay sincere attention to the details of another person's life. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: The race of men is like the race of leaves. As one generation flourishes, another decays. With what strife and pain we come into the world we know not, but it is commonly no easy matter to get out of it. The utility of living consists not of the length of days, but in the use of time, a man may have lived long, and yet lived but a little.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Such was the habit of the people of Pharaoh and those before them; they denied the signs of their Lord, so We annihilated them for their wrongs, and We drowned the people of Pharaoh; all of them were offenders. For the worst of beasts, to God are those who scoff and do not believe. [8: 54, 55]

Hadith of the day: Give the sadaqa without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity. [Tirmidhi]

Wise Quote of the Day: Be with Allah as if there were no creation, and be with the creation as if you had no ego. [Shaykh Abdul Qadir Jilani]

Guidance of the Day: In addition to the words we speak, our voice provides listeners with a wealth of emotional information. Knowing more about the voice can help you to more effectively express what you are feeling, and to hold a listener's interest. It's also difficult for people to monitor the way their voices sound to others, which is one more reason the voice can provide so much emotional information.

If you want to use your voice to communicate your feelings more clearly, pay attention to the pitch, rate, and volume at which you speak. Remember that a slow, quiet monotone does not foster interest. But if you vary your pitch, rate, and volume in ways that emphasize the points you want to make, you will be more interesting speaker. You'll have a better shot at connecting with others on an emotional level.

To read emotion in others' voices, pay attention to changes in their pitch, rate, and volume. As with facial expressions, such changes can't tell you absolute truth about the way another person is feeling, but they are an indication that a significant level of emotion is being expressed. Don't be afraid to follow your hunches and ask the speaker questions about your perceptions. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: Death is easiest to those who during their lives have given it most thought, as though always to be prepared for its imminence. Only in this way, it is possible to die resigned and reconciled, patiently and tranquilly, having experienced life more fully because of the constant awareness that it may soon come to an end.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Such was the habit of the people of Pharaoh and those before them; they scoffed at the signs of God, so God punished them for their sins; for God is powerful, severe in punishment. That is because God is not about to change the blessing bestowed on a people until they change what is in themselves; and because God is all hearing, all knowing. [8: 52, 53]

Hadtith of the Day: Sadaqa appeases the Lord's anger and averts an evil death. [Tirmidhi]

Wise Quote of the Day: If you cannot be of benefit to the Muslims, then do not harm them; if you cannot make them happy, then do not make them sorrowful; if you cannot please them, then do not abuse them; and if you cannot praise them, then do not disparage them. [Yahya ibn Mu'adh]

Guidance of the Day: Recognizing feelings, identifying them, and demonstrating your understanding--all of these are important steps to building better emotional connections. Because faces are such a significant tool for making and responding to bids for connection, it's important to have a clear sense of how your facial expressions come across to other people. It's also important to learn all we can about the way others use their faces to convey feelings.

Among all the parts of the body, the face is the most uniquely suited for the function of expressing emotion. Information is exchanged via rapid changes in the shape of the forehead, the brows, the eyelids, the cheeks, the nose, the lips, and the chin. People worldwide use the same facial expressions to communicate certain emotions.

Just as the space between us is important, so too are the bridges that we build across that space via touch. Touch can be an important tool in bidding and responding to other's bids for connection. It can convey underlying channels of feelings in so many situations. The key lesson to remember is that touch is powerful. Remember that touching and being touched is important to our sense of well-being and feeling connected with others. Used wisely, it can communicate your affection, concern, and affiliation with others, and foster the development of warm, open, trusting relationships. [The Relationship Cure]

(Note: For a believer as we all know, touching has to be restricted to the same gender or the mahrams from the opposite gender)

Food for thought: It is not in the last weeks or days that we compose the message that will be remembered, but in all the decades that preceded them. Unique circumstances of death will be granted to someone with a unique personality.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Note how the hypocrites and those with sickness in their hearts say, "Their religion has deluded them." But for any who trusts in God, God is truly mighty wise. If only you could see when the angels take the souls of those who scoffed; they strike their faces and their backs--"Taste the torment of the blaze! "That is what your hands brought about; for God is not unjust to servants. [8: 49, 50, 51]

Hadith of the Day: Whoever gives mischief to another Muslim has given mischief to me, and whoever has given mischief to me has given mischief to Allah. [al Tabrani]

Wise Quote of the Day: Whoever is miserly with knowledge will be tried with one of three things: that they forget what they learned, or that they die without benefiting others, or that they lose their books. [Sufyan al Thawri radi Allah ahnu]

Guidance of the Day: Communicating with one another on a heart-to-heart level is not as mysterious as it might seem. Nor is it necessarily intuitive or automatic. Whether we're aware of it or not, people constantly send one another signals that can reveal how they're feeling in the moment.

You can't not communicate. Whether you smile or maintain a blank face, look straight ahead or down at the ground, reach out and touch or hold back, you are communicating and others will attach meaning to that communication.

Through facial expression, tone of voice, gesture, word choice, and more, we're constantly revealing our true emotional experience to one another. The key is to become more observant and more aware of these signals in your own behavior and in the behavior of others. Once you do, you can use your awareness in a conscious way to improve your bidding process and form better emotional connections. [The Relationship Cure]

Wise Quote of the Day: The dignity that we seek in dying must be found in the dignity with which we have lived our lives. The art of dying is the art of living. The honesty and the grace of the years of life that are ending is the real measure of how we die.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: And do not be like those who have left their homes vainly, to be seen by the people, while blocking the way of God. For God encompasses what they do. When Satan made their acts seem good to them, he said, "No one can defeat you while I am near you." But when the two armies saw each other, he retreated and said, "I have nothing to do with you! For I see what you do not see; as for me, I fear God, for God is severe in punishment." [8: 47, 48]

Hadith of the Day: The seeking knowledge (in the company of others) for an hour in the night is better than spending the whole night in prayer. [Tirmidhi]

Wise Quote of the Day: Accept the truth from whoever says it whether they are young or old and beware of being given to refusal and arrogance. [Shaykh Bayanuni]

Guidance of the Day: When you understand your own enduring vulnerabilities and are willing to talk about them with people you trust, you are in a good spot to form deep and solid relationships. Another essential element is your willingness to listen openly when a friend or loved one tells you stories of the hard times they have endured, the events that are the most unforgettable parts of their emotional heritage. Honored respectfully, such conversations are the foundations of profound and emotional connection.

It takes a brave heart to look back thoughtfully at past injuries, your family's emotional philosophy, and your emotional history. But doing so with a clear intention of improving your current and future relationships is well worth the effort. Getting clear about the past allows you to separate yesterday's issues from today's reality. It allows you to be more present in your current relationships. Being fully present and aware is vital to improving your bidding process. [The Relationship Cure]

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Believers, stand firm when you meet an army, and remember God often, that you may be successful. And obey God and God's messenger, and do not dispute with each other, lest you lose heart and your power leaves you; but be patient, for God is with the patient. [8: 45, 46]

Hadith of the Day: Allah will show no mercy to those who do not show mercy to others. [Bukhari & Muslim]

Wise Quote of the Day: There is no virtue in not voicing good judgment, just as there is no virtue in speaking ignorantly. [Ali radi Allah anhu]

Guidance of the Day: Knowing that our brains are wired in various and highly individualized ways allows us to be more compassionate and tolerant toward ourselves and others. It helps us to build better relationships through understanding and accepting our differences.

If we want to form solid, emotionally satisfying relationships with others, we must learn to manage these differences. We must learn to compromise. Understanding emotional command system gives us a framework to do just that. Whether we like it or not, life is filled with opportunities either to celebrate or bemoan our differences with other people. Conflicts can arise from our contrasting comfort levels.

Conflicts can also come up between two people who are driven in the same direction within an operating system. In addition, clashes can arise when people are operating from totally different, highly activated systems that are at odds with one another. The connection can succeed if the pair acknowledges their differences and makes room for compromise. Sometimes it's the bidder who makes the difference; sometimes it's the respondent. The bid succeeds and the relationship is enhanced when people realize they're approaching the issue from different perspectives and they need to find some middle ground.

Food for Thought: When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the air plane takes off against the wind, not with it. There is no vulture than despair.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: If they turn away, know that God is your protector; an excellent protector, and an excellent savior. And know that a fifth of anything you gain as spoils is for God and the messenger, and for relatives, and orphans, and the poor, and the traveler, if you do believe in God and what We sent down to Our servant on the day of distinction, and the day of meeting of the two armies; for God has power over everything. [8: 40, 41]Hadith of the Day: Shake hands and rancor will disappear. Give presents to each other and love each other and enmity will disappear. [al Muwatta]

Wise Quote of the Day: Signs of a person who really knows Allah are eight - his heart is in a state of fear and hope, his tongue is in a state of praise and gratitude, his eyes are in a state of shame and tears, and his will is in leaving the dunya and seeking the pleasure of his Lord. [Uthman radi Allah anhu]Guidance of the Day: When things go wrong in a relationship, people often ask, "Was it something I said?" Well, may be. But more often it's things that people don't say that harm their relationships. According to the psychologist Dan Wile, many arguments spring from issues that people need to discuss but never do. In the resulting tension and confusion, quarrels erupt, leading to hostility, defensiveness, and withdrawal.

Talking about your feelings doesn't make all your problems go away, nor does it solve conflicts. But it does create an opportunity to connect with other people. You're not attacking and you're not withdrawing. instead you're extending yourself and making a bid for understanding. If the other person can turn toward your bid, then you won't feel isolated anymore. You won't feel as if you're facing off at opposite ends of a boxing ring. You'll feel that you are together in a problem. You'll feel you can support one another emotionally as you work it out.

Improving your ability to bid and respond to bids is not going to solve all your problems. It will not banish all negative feelings. It will not solve all conflicts. But it will help you to get along better with people, to share life's burdens, and to build better connections with significant people in your life. [The Relationship Cure]

Du'a of the Week: Allahumma aslih lee deeni wa dunyaaya (O Allah rectify my religion and my worldly affairs for me) ameen.Food for Thought: We die so that the world may continue to live. The tragedy of a single individual becomes, in the balance of natural things, the triumph of ongoing life. All of this makes more precious each hour we have been given, it demands that life must be useful and rewarding.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Say to those who scoff, "If you desist, what is past will be forgiven you; but if you resume, the example of the ancients has already occurred." Fight them until there is no more civil strife and all faith is in God. Now if they desist God surely sees what they do. [8: 38, 39]

Hadith of the Day: Satan is the wolf of humans, like the wolf of sheep; he consumes the lone sheep. Therefore, beware of disagreements (or seclusion), and you should stick with the jama'h, the general body (of the Muslims) and the mosque. [Ahmad & Tabrani]

Wise Quote of the Day: Watch your eye, should it ever reveal to you the faults of others, say to it: "O my eye, other people have eyes too." [Ahmad al Zarruq]

Guidance of the Day: A steady diet of gratitude is one of the best-known cures for a crabby habit of mind. Here how the diet works:

1. Each day for one weak, keep track of the times you feel like criticizing somebody important in your life, such as your spouse, a relative, a friend, or a close coworker. Try to come up with atleast five incidents each day, and write them down in your Emotion log.

2. After you have described the critical feelings and the incident that preceded it, find a way to encounter that criticism with praise and appreciation. You may feel some resistance to doing this, especially if you feel that your criticism was justified. But try to ignore that resistance. Just set aside the faults you perceive in that person and look instead for reasons to value him or her.

3. Each day, make a point to share those five bits of praise or appreciation with the people who earned it.

4. Notice what effects these offerings have on your relationships, and write about them in your Emotion log. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. Both medicine and advice are easy to prescribe but hard to take.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: For those who scoff spend their money to block the way to God, so they will spend it, then distress will be upon them, and then they will be overcome. And those who scoffed will be herded into hell. That God may separate the corrupt from the wholesome, and set the corrupt upon one another, then gather them all in a heap and throw them into hell: those are the ones who are the losers. [8: 36, 37]

Hadith of the Day: Allah has called them doers of good because they did good to their parents and their children. Your parents have rights over you, and your children have rights over you. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day: Hastiness is from Satan except in five things: feeding the guest, preparing the deceased for burial, marrying off the daughters, paying a debt, and making repentance from sins. [Hatim al Asamm]

Guidance of the Day: Our research shows that married couples who regularly express their appreciation for each other have much happier, stronger marriages. And in our laboratory studies with parents and their children, we observed significant differences in the ways children reacted when their parents criticized or praised them. In one study, for example, parents were asked to teach their children a new task. Those children whose parents focused mainly on their errors made more mistakes. But those whose parents emphasized what they were doing right improved their performance.

Children with critical parents turn away from their parents in times of trouble. But children of parents who consistently praise them for their accomplishments turn toward their parents for support, even when things go wrong.

This same principle holds true to all kinds of relationships. Regularly expressing praise and appreciation can change the whole emotional climate of your home, your workplace, and your various circles of family and friends. People grow closer in the knowledge that they can count on one another for support in good times and in bad. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it. This is a form of hope we can all achieve, and it is the most abiding of all. Hope resides in the meaning of what our lives have been.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: But God would not punish them while you were in their midst; and God would not punish them while they sought forgiveness. But what excuse do they have that God should not punish them for blocking entry to the sacred mosque, when they are not its guardians? Its guardians are only the conscientious, but most of them do not know. [8: 33, 34]

Hadith of the Day: Learn your genealogies and maintain your family ties. By Allah, there may be something between one brother and another. But if they were to realize what is truly between them, that in itself would suffice to prevent them from breaking off relations with one another. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day: In the Torah are written five lessons - wealth is in contentment, safety is in seclusion, dignity is in rejecting desires, enjoyment is in long days (in the Hereafter), and patience is in few days (in the dunya) [Hasan al Basri]

Guidance of the Day: Conflicts are inevitable whenever people come together around common activities or goals. How you express your position in a conflict makes a tremendous difference in your ability to connect with others.

Here's the basic rule of thumb: Complain when you must, but don't criticize. What's the difference? A complaint focuses on a specific problem, addressing the other person's behavior, not his or her perceived character flaws. Criticism, on the other hand, is more judgmental and global; it frequently includes phrases as "you always . . ." or "you never . . . " Criticism attacks the other person's character, often with negative labels or name-calling. It often assigns blame.

Complaints can be difficult to say or hear at times. But they're generally worth the trouble because they help people to understand one another and to solve problems. Criticism, however, does just the opposite. It hurt's people's feelings, leading to increased tension, resentment, and defensiveness in relationships. People don't communicate well when they feel defensive. They tend to shut out new information. They're not open doors to others' influence. All this gets in the way of emotional connection. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: To be happy we must not be concerned about others. The greatest remedy for anger is delay. To forget the wrong is the best revenge. Kindness effects more than severity.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: When Our signs are recited to them, they say, "we've heard. If we wanted, we could say something similar, for these are just myths of the ancients." And they have said, "O God, if this is the truth from You, then shower stones on us from the sky, or visit us with a painful affliction. [8: 31, 32]

Hadith of the Day: A true maintainer of family ties is not one who seeks reciprocation. Rather, a true maintainer of family ties is one who, if his/her ties are ignored, will continue to maintain them anyway. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day: Do not involve yourself in anything other than absolutely necessary things and real discernible things/needs. Organize your devotional practices and you will find your time extended due to the baraka (blessings) in it. [Ahmad al Zarruq]

Guidance of the Day: Another solution when things have gone awry is to revisit the episode with that person later on. You can begin by saying something like, "I feel bad about the short conversation we had yesterday. I didn't handle it very well. So I want to say I am sorry and I'd like to make things better between us." Ofcourse, you have to gauge how receptive the other person might be to this. I believe that most friends, siblings, spouses, and kids are responsive to such attempts at fixing failed bids.

In fact, children often benefit greatly from parent's willingness to admit errors. It gives children permission to make mistakes without feeling bad about themselves.

Colleagues at work may also be open to genuine attempt to repair miscommunication, particularly if you already share a high level of trust. But if your bonds with coworkers aren't that strong, be cautious. They may or may not view your attempt to revisit and fix the interaction as appropriate. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: Wisdom is that the words and deeds and opinions are right at their place, and also knowing the depth of things. A wise person changes his mind, a fool never does.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Believers, if you are conscious of God, God will provide you a criterion, and pardon your evils, and forgive you. And God has the greatest grace. And when the atheists have plotted against you, to keep you under arrest, or kill you, or expel you, as they plot, God plans too; and God is the best of planners. [8: 29, 30]

Hadith of the Day: No sin is more deserving of immediate retribution in this world, regardless of whatever deeds may have been stored for the next world, than the severing of family ties and sedition. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day: One who is headstrong and opinionated perishes, while one who seeks the advice of others becomes a partner in their understanding. [Ali radi Allah anhu]

Guidance of the Day: The key to connect is to look for and celebrate those moments in which you connect with another person on a feeling level. Such moments usually begin by noticing an emotional expression as a bid for connection. You hear something a person says, or you see a facial expression or a gesture, that reveals their happiness, sadness, anger, fear, contempt, or disgust.

Once you notice it, you let this person know with your words expressions, or gestures that you understand how they are feeling. Your demonstration of understanding provides a bridge for emotional connection and paves the way to a deeper, more meaningful relationship. It's that simple. Emotional moments can be shared with your spouse, family members, friends, coworkers--even the checker at the hardware store.

You can become a collector of emotional moments by consciously looking for opportunities to connect with others. Doing so allows you to take a positive role in the development of a stable, meaningful relationships. [The Relationship Cure]

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Believers, do not be unfaithful to God and the messenger, or knowingly be unfaithful to your pledges. And know that your possessions and your children are but a trial, and that there is a higher reward in the presence of God. [8: 27, 28]

Hadith of the Day: One who severs family ties will never go to Paradise. [Bukhari & Muslim]

Wise Quote of the Day: Four things are not appreciated except by four types of people -- youth is not appreciated but by the old, freedom from worries is not appreciated but by those afflicted with calamities, health is not appreciated but by those in poor health, and life is not appreciated but by the dead. [Hatim al-Asamm]

Guidance of the Day: Most people don't get married, have children, make friends, or take jobs with the intention of allowing these relationships to fail. And yet that's what often happens--simply because people don't pay enough attention to the emotional needs of others. They are not acting mindlessly because they want to be mean; they're just temporarily caught up in their own concerns and not focusing on the people around them.

But if you don't pay attention, you don't connect. And if you don't connect, you wind up operating on the principle that your partner, your friend, and your coworker is not going to be there for you. That, in turn, starts a cascade of negative interactions--including criticism, defensiveness, attacking, and withdrawing--all of which eventually destroy the relationship.

Being mindful, on the other hand, leads to the formation of stable, satisfying relationships. When you're mindful, you notice other people's bids and you respond to them. You can shift attention from your own concerns to the concerns of others. In doing so, you learn to understand what other people are feeling, and you're able to feel those same emotions at the same time. You can be "in the moment" with another person, focusing on your shared awareness and your shared experience. You have the sense that you're on a journey of discovery together. It's a creative process of revealing your life stories to each other. These stories unfold every day when people are mindful of one another. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: Everything is funny as long as it happens to somebody else. Every person is a hero to his imagination. You really believe in heredity when your child's report card is all A's.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: And be wary of temptation, which does not afflict only those of you who have gone wrong; and know that God is severe in retribution. Remember when you were few, deemed weak in the world, fearing that people would seize you, when God took care of you and strengthened you with divine assistance, and provided you with goods that you might be grateful. [8:25, 26]

Hadith of the Day: Verily, the deeds of the children of Adam are brought before the Almighty every night of Jumu'ah, but no deed will be accepted from anyone who severs family ties. [Bukhari & Ahmad]

Wise Quote of the Day: Despite committing a sin, Allah still bestows four blessings on His sinful servant - He does not cut off his sustenance, He does not cause his health to deteriorate, He does not make the sin apparent on him for all to see, and He does not hasten his punishment. [Sa'd ibn Bilal]

Guidance of the Day: For adult-child relationships, keep in mind that children are often less reciprocal than adults, and that's natural for their stage of emotional development. Keep responding positively to the child's bids for attention, because it will pay off in the long run. Your consistent response tells the child that you can be trusted. It also serves as an important model for positive relationship-building. Over time, the child will begin turning toward you more often.

Also, make it a point to turn toward people with fun-loving, high-energy responses when you can--responses that include kidding, affection, and humor. This type of enthusiastic, positive response has an impact on people's ability to access humor during conflict situations. When you regularly feel enthusiastic support and affection from somebody, you're more comfortable cracking lighthearted jokes in the midst of arguments with them. And humor is key to unlocking even more interest, affection, support, and empathy in relationships. [The Relationship Cure]

Dua of the Week: I would like to include a short dua weekly (to be memorized) from the duas of the Prophet, may blessings and peace be upon him. I hope this will be of great benefit for all of us, inshaAllah.

Allahumma inna nas aluka minka wa na'oozubika minka. (O Allah! we seek You from You and we seek refuge in You from You).

Food for Thought: Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. All people are created equal, but ambition or lack of it, separates them. Ability will enable a person to get to the top, but it takes character to keep them there.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Ayah of the Day:Believers, respond to God and the messenger when they call you to what will give you life. And know that God comes between a man and his heart, and that it is to God that you will be gathered. [8: 24]

Hadith of the Day:Those who are conscious of their Lord and maintain family ties will have increase in their age and their wealth, and their family will love them. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day:Examine your soul constantly in matters that you are obliged to do or in need to be done. Anything that you are in no need of doing, leave it. [Ahmad al Zarruq]

Guidance of the Day:Brothers and sisters who turn toward one another in conversation are more likely to maintain close, supportive, satisfying relationships. Turning toward one another's sense of humor in everyday situations----bolsters your relationships while making life together a lot of fun. The more you can tap into each other's sense of humor and joy, the stronger your relationship becomes.

But if you want to build a solid, long term relationships, you've got to be willing to turn toward each other's bids in all sorts of circumstances. That's why marriage vows include phrases like "for better or worse." That's why people shun the idea of a "fair-weather friend." We long for relationships with people who will stick by us even when we're tired, crabby, fearful, depressed, or frustrated.

The less people turn toward one another, the less satisfying their relationships are. If you want to build a deeper emotional connection with somebody, turn toward that person as often as you can. You typically have more chances to turn toward your child than toward a work colleague, for example. And opportunities for turning toward a spouse are usually more abundant than for turning toward an adult sibling. But in general, if you can turn toward any significant person in your life--even when you are angry, frustrated, complaining, or sad-----your relationship will grow stronger. Then, if you face a time when turning toward one another is impossible, the goodwill you've accumulated will be enough to see you through to better times. [The Relationship Cure]Food for Thought:The one who seeks faults in others is faulty himself. He who is in mud likes to pull another into it. If you were someone else, would you want to be friends with you?

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: For the worst of animals to God are the deaf and dumb who are not rational. If God had recognized any good in them, God would have made them hear; but if God had made them hear; they would have turned away, refusing. [8: 22, 23]

Hadith of the Day: Whoever hopes for increase in their wealth and in their lifespan should maintain their ties of kinship. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day: The one who claims to love Allah yet does not abstain from things prohibited by Him has lied; the one who claims to love the Prophet (may blessings and peace be upon him), yet dislikes the poor and needy has lied; the one who claims to love Paradise yet does not give charity has lied; and the one who claims to fear Hell yet does not give up sinning has lied. [Hatim al Asamm]

Guidance of the Day: Emotional communication skills can be learned and perfected at any age. The greatest test of these skills comes as a couple seek a deeper level of intimacy and understanding in their relationship. If partners can continue to turn toward one another in mutually satisfying ways, their bond will grow stronger. But, if they begin habitually turning away or turning against one another, their relationship will disintegrate. Failure to connect is a major cause of high divorce rate.

Learning how to recognize and turn toward each other's bids for emotional connection can help unhappily married couples and their children to create a more stable, loving family environment. By improving your ability to connect emotionally with each other and your children, you will be in a better spot to solve conflicts and create a healthier environment for your kids. The cost of unhappy and failing marriages is high. In addition to the emotional turmoil that couples in stressed marriages experience, they also suffer more physical illness than others. Studies show that being unhappily married can raise your chances of getting sick by more than 35 percent.

Family stress caused by a couple's failure to connect can also effect the well-being of their children. Children raised in homes with a high level of marital hostility have chronically elevated levels of stress hormones. They have more bouts of infectious diseases like colds and flu, they have higher rates of psychological and social difficulties as well--problems like depression, rejection of peers, and poor behavior--especially aggression. They are also more likely to get bad grades and skip school. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: The person of few words doesn't have to recall so many. Some people think they have an open mind when it is really their mouth.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Believers, obey God and the messengers of God, and do not turn away from him when you hear him. And don't be like those who say, "we hear," when they are not listening. [8: 20, 21]

Hadith of the Day: Kinship is a trial from Allah. Those who maintain its ties will have ties with Allah, but those who sever its ties will have their ties with Allah severed. On the Day of Judgment, the tongue of kinship will be loose and eloquent. [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day: There are four things from the illumination of the heart -- an empty stomach because of caution; accompanying the righteous; remembering past sins; and not expecting to live for long. [Abdullah ibn Masud radi Allah anhu]

Guidance of the Day: The importance of strong, healthy emotional bonds between parent and child can't be overstated, because these bonds serve as the foundation upon which all other life relationships are built. If a child doesn't learn how to connect emotionally with a parent (or with another caregiver who serves as a parent), that child will probably encounter difficulty in connecting to people in all sorts of relationships for the rest of his or her life.

Many factors affect children's ability to bid, respond, and connect to others, including the type of temperament they inherit. We're all born with certain personality traits--sociable or shy, intense or easy going, and so on. To some extent, these traits determine how comfortable we feel in reaching out to other people or responding to others' request for connection. Still, a large part of a person's knack for emotional connection is also determined by what happens in the home. Consciously or not, parents teach their children through interaction and example. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: The door of wisdom swings on hinges of common sense and uncommon thoughts. Common sense is seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Ayahs of the Day: Then your Lord inspired the angels, "I am with you, so steady those who believe. I will cast fear into the hearts of those who scoff, so strike above their necks, and strike off their fingertips." That is because they contended with God and the messenger of God; and for anyone who contends with God and the messenger of God, God is severe in punishment.[8: 12, 13]

Hadith of the Day: Allah said, 'I am the Most Merciful, I created kinship, and I derived it from My name. I will maintain those who maintain it, and I will cut loose those who sever it.' [Bukhari]

Wise Quote of the Day: Four things are from the darkness of the heart - a full stomach without caring (whether it is halal or haram); keeping the company of oppressors; forgetting past sins; and being under the delusion that one's lifetime will surely be long. [Abdullah ibn Masud radi Allah anhu]

Guidance of the Day: Complex, fulfilling relationships don't suddenly appear in our lives fully formed. Rather, they develop one encounter at a time. If you could carefully observe and analyze those encounters--you would see how each one is made up of many small exchanges. There's a bid and a response to that bid. Like cells of the body or bricks of a house, such exchanges are the primary components of emotional communication. Each exchange contains emotional information that can strengthen or weaken connections between people.

Positive responses to a bid typically lead to continued interaction, often with both parties extending more bids to one another. Listening to this kind of exchange is kind of watching to a Ping-Pong game in which both players are doing well. But a negative response to a bid typically shuts down emotional communication. All bids cease. The game is over. People want to pick up their Ping-Pong paddles and go home.

Bids typically grow in intensity and frequency as a relationship grows and deepens. How did it become possible? One small interaction at a time. And how do you keep it afloat? By continuing to make bids to one another for connection, and by continuing to respond to one another's bids, moment by moment in positive ways. While the process sounds simple, most people can think of many relationships in their lives that have gone awry because of failed bidding or failed responses to bids. [The Relationship Cure]

Food for Thought: The test of good manners is to be able to put up pleasantly with bad ones. Hot words never resulted in cool judgment. Only the brave know how to forgive.