Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sometimes...

Sometimes I get overwhemed when I compare my life to my friends and aquaintences.

One of my best childhood friends had a baby yesterday. One of my absolute best friends from high school has a three year old. I will be a bridesmaid for another close friend this summer. It seems like everytime I go on Facebook another friend is getting engaged, picking a date for their wedding or having a baby. Most of the time, I'm happy for them. They are doing what makes them happy and that makes me happy.

But there is no way that I am there yet. I can hardly balance my own life and responsibilities let alone be responsible for someone else. I feel like even though The Boy and I live together things are separate in a way that they won't be when/ if we get married. We don't pay bills together first of all. We still ask before borrowing things from one another. And doing things for each other still seems like favors instead of obligations. For instance, I knew that I was going to have a break at work the other day and when I got there I thought "wouldn't it be nice to get some knitting done while I am on break". So I called him and asked him to bring my knitting stuff to my work and he agreed. But there was no obligation on his part to do so. I do little errands for him also but also not because I have to but because it is something nice to do for my partner. Somehow once the ceremony is over, those little things that were favors when you were dating, or even living together, come to be things that are expected by the other person instead of appreciated as small gifts to each other.

And don't even get me started on how I don't need a baby right now. I LOVE babies and kids, but I know that I am not in place right now to have one. First of all I'm 3,000 miles away from any physical supporters. If I am going to do the baby thing, I know I am going to need some support and I am also going to want to share that baby with everyone. Not to mention the whole going back to school and working full time thing. If I had to I could make it work, but since I have the choice, I am going to wait.

Now all that said, hearing about all the engagements, wedding plans and adorable new babies, makes me ache a little inside.

I can't help seeing their happiness and beening just a tad bit wistful. Just for a moment.

I love my life the way it is and I don't see me really truly beening ready for a big change anytime soon.

I know it will happen for me someday.

And in the end that is what brings me back to being happy that all my friends have happiness too.

1 comment:

I know that feeling entirely. I felt similarly when friends started getting engaged. I was living with my boyfriend at the time and kept thinking "not ready, not ready" until one day.. I was ready. And eventually so was he. Now we're married and I feel the same way about babies. As much as I adore them and get a tinge of that yearning when I see my nephew or a friend with a little one, I know I'm not ready. And I know that one day, I will be. So basically, I'm not saying anything you don't already know -- that things come in their own time, never helps to rush it... and having the wistful yearning when you see friends do stuff you're not ready for is totally normal!