SCRIPTEASE Doctor Who Series Six

The Reduced SFX Company presents a lot of timey wimey stuff freeze-dried into one script

OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF SHOW

There’s this crazy, two-hearted guy who has this time machine in the shape of a... Hang on, why are we bothering? The show’s been on since 1963, for Pete’s sake. What do you need a synopsis for? Thanks to BBC America, even the Americans know what Doctor Who is now! Just move on and read the script, okay? Okay. Thanks.

ACT ONE

THE BBC: Thanks to BBC America even the Americans know what Doctor Who is now, so why don’t we film over there for a change? STEVEN MOFFAT: Wait, you mean we actually get to leave Wales? THE BBC: Because of the unique way the BBC is funded, yes! STEVEN MOFFAT: Geronimo!

Thus, THE DOCTOR summons AMYPOND (please see HERE for an explanation of why she is AMYPOND and not AMY POND) and her husband RORY to AMERICA.

AMYPOND: We’re in America! RORY: This is so exciting! RIVER SONG: He invited me as well! Hey, we’re in the United States! THE DOCTOR: First time I’ve left Wales in years. I’m so looking forward to this! This holiday is going to rock!

An ASTRONAUT walks out of a lake and SHOOTS HIM.

THE DOCTOR: Bugger. [DIES] EVERYBODY: But he’s The Doctor! He can’t be dead! We don’t believe it! MARK SHEPPARD’S DAD: Hello, you don’t know me yet but I’ve brought some gasoline so we can set The Doctor on fire and toast us some marshmallows. EVERYBODY: Oooh, marshmallows!

They set THE DOCTOR on FIRE and TOAST MARSHMALLOWS.

THE AUDIENCE: [Suspicious] We bet it wasn’t really him that died. STEVEN MOFFAT: [Truthfully] It was, honest!

ACT TWO

There are SCARY MONSTERS wandering around who completely slip your mind after you’ve looked at them, rather like NICK CLEGG whenever he appears on TV to announce something. They are THE SILENCE.

AMYPOND: The only way I can remember these monsters exist is to write on myself. RORY: I’m sure you could get an app for that, you know. Less messy.

To everybody’s surprise, THE DOCTOR turns up.

THE DOCTOR: Hello there! THE AUDIENCE: We knew it wasn’t really him that died! STEVEN MOFFAT: [Truthfully] It was, honest! AMYPOND: Wait, Doctor, aren’t you... RIVER SONG: Shhh, don’t say the “D” word! This is a younger version of The Doctor and he can’t know he’s dead already! We need to distract him from the fact or there’ll be a time paradox thingy-wotsit!

RORY DIES.

RIVER SONG: Nice distraction!

RORY comes back to LIFE. He does this A LOT. Meanwhile, SFX’S FAVOURITE ACTOR MARK SHEPPARD has teamed up with our heroes and helps them against THE SILENCE.

SFX’S FAVOURITE ACTOR MARK SHEPPARD: Hello, I’m awesome.

He IS. Elsewhere, THE DOCTOR meets PRESIDENT NIXON.

PRESIDENT NIXON: Howdy, Doctor! Sure is nice to see ya. Thanks to BBC America, even us Yanks know who you are these days. THE DOCTOR: I’m honoured, Mr President. And now I’m going to make a veiled comment that will make you paranoid and anxious to record everything people say and eventually cost you the Presidency of the United States. PRESIDENT NIXON: Really? You could’ve just said I was “looking a bit tired”. That way you could’ve stopped three decades of the media adding “Gate” to the end of every scandal. THE DOCTOR: ...Damn, you’re right. PRESIDENT NIXON: This conversation may be being recorded.

ACT THREE

AMYPOND is kind of PREGNANT, except she’s not really. But she IS. Yet she ISN’T. It is VERY CONFUSING. What’s more important, however, is that after almost 50 YEARS, someone has finally HAD SEX IN THE TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR: I can’t believe it wasn’t me. This is so unfair. It’s my TARDIS, for crying out loud. AMYPOND: It was a great night, except that Rory died at the end and I had to resuscitate him. RORY: It was either that or cuddling, and I don’t like cuddling.

To everybody’s immense NON-SURPRISE – because he’d been HINTING about it since 1963 – NEIL GAIMAN writes an episode. It is VERY GOOD. Most notably, he brings THE TARDIS to life.

THE TARDIS: Hello, Doctor! I’m a hot ditzy chick who’s madly in love with you! THE DOCTOR: Okay, so now I’m thinking it’s a good thing I didn’t have sex in you because that would’ve been well weird. THE TARDIS: Did I mention I’m in love with you? THE DOCTOR: You did, yes. I suppose I am too, because I did run away from home with you. I love you, TARDIS. THE TARDIS: I love you, Doctor.

She DIES. Sort of.

THE AUDIENCE: [General weeping] RORY: At least it wasn’t me for once.

ACT FOUR

THE DOCTOR figures out that AMYPOND isn’t really AMYPOND but a CLONE.

THE DOCTOR: She’s not real!

He KILLS HER.

RORY: But... but... didn’t you spend two episodes earlier this season fighting for the rights of clones? THE DOCTOR: Who cares? RORY: Alrighty then.

They embark upon a COOL MISSION with lots of COOL FRIENDS to get the real AMYPOND back. They do, but EVIL EYEPATCH LADY escapes with AMYPOND’S BABY.

AMYPOND: What am I going to do? She took my baby! RIVER SONG: I have to tell you something... RORY: She took our baby! This is really traumatic! RIVER SONG: Er, can I just say... AMYPOND: I want my baby back! RIVER SONG: You might want to sit down... RORY: Our poor baby! THE AUDIENCE: OH FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, YOUR BABY IS RIVER SONG!

AMYPOND and RORY are stunned. Everyone else: NOT SO MUCH.

RIVER SONG: Hey, Doctor. You’re not the only Time Lord any more. Because I was conceived in the TARDIS I have Time Lordian mojo and we can get it on! THE DOCTOR: Hello, gorgeous! RIVER SONG: Hello, sweetie! THE TARDIS: [Weeps with jealousy]

ACT FIVE

The show returns after a REALLY, REALLY LONG BREAK.

THE CHILDREN OF BRITAIN: We can’t remember anything about the plot now, although we were pretty confused even when we did. So all we want to know is... Are there any scary monsters? HITLER: Yes! I’m in the first episode, which is called “Let’s Kill Hitler!” THE ADULTS OF BRITAIN: Wow, an episode where The Doctor kills Hitler? That’s a great idea!

HITLER gets locked in a cupboard and is barely in the episode.

THE ADULTS OF BRITAIN: Boo! We got duped! STEVEN MOFFAT: [Chuckles] THE ADULTS OF BRITAIN: We bet you’re fibbing about it being the Doctor who died, too. STEVEN MOFFAT: [Truthfully] It was, honest!

There are several more EPISODES that are either SCARY or FUN or SURREAL, including one in which AMYPOND gets OLD and THE DOCTOR kills her again.

RORY: You know, everyone reckons I die a lot this year, but Amy’s not doing too badly either. THE DOCTOR: Don’t forget that I died, too. THE AUDIENCE: Except we’re still convinced it wasn’t really you. STEVEN MOFFAT: [Truthfully] It was, honest! THE DOCTOR: Hey, seeing as we’re near the end of this series, isn’t it about time your crazy brainwashed Time Lord daughter shoots me dead? STEVEN MOFFAT: Hang on, you have to make a phone call first.

THE DOCTOR makes a PHONE CALL and discovers that BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART is dead.

THE ADULTS OF BRITAIN: [General weeping] THE CHILDREN OF BRITAIN: Wait, who? THE ADULTS OF BRITAIN: Part of our childhoods just died. You’ll understand later this year when The Sarah Jane Adventures return. THE CHILDREN OF BRITAIN: [General weeping] STEVEN MOFFAT: [Hands everybody a tissue]

ACT SIX

THE DOCTOR is shot DEAD by RIVER SONG, who we now realise has been in JAIL these past few series because SHE MURDERED HIM. This is all VERY CONFUSING but at the same time rather POIGNANT and SATISFYING. However...

RIVER SONG: Hey, guess what? The Doctor I allegedly killed was really a robot! THE AUDIENCE: We knew it! It wasn’t really him! Moffat fibbed to us! STEVEN MOFFAT: [Shuffles feet awkwardly] AMYPOND: River Song, I can’t believe you’d tell me this randomly over a glass of wine in my garden after I’ve been mourning The Doctor for ages! RIVER SONG: I was supposed to keep it secret but I’ll tell anyone anything after a glass of wine. At least, that’s how I’m rationalising my sudden confession because it doesn’t make much sense to me, either. RORY: [Wandering in] What are you all looking happy about? AMYPOND: The Doctor’s alive! RORY: Really? Blimey, no matter how many times I die, someone always has to beat me. What is this, an Olympic sport?

Elsewhere, THE DOCTOR is returning a DISEMBODIED HEAD to its box.

DORIUM THE HEAD: There’s a really important question you need to know the answer to! THE DOCTOR: Why? DORIUM THE HEAD: Because it’s the plot arc for the next series. We’re dropping a big hint to keep people hooked. THE DOCTOR: Oh, I get you. Okay, so what’s the question? DORIUM THE HEAD: Doctor who ? THE DOCTOR: Er... and? DORIUM THE HEAD: No, that’s it. “Doctor who?” THE DOCTOR: That’s rubbish. DORIUM THE HEAD: Yeah, I know. I’d shrug if I had shoulders. Still, I’m sure it’ll lead somewhere profound and intriguing. THE DOCTOR: Riiiiight. Anyway, must dash. Got to break River Song out of jail again so we can have a romantic candlelit dinner. THE TARDIS: [Weeps with jealousy]