Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Indignity of Not Commuting by Bicycle and Instead Just Going For A Ride: None, I Regret Nothing

You know how they recently found those primordial cosmic waves that prove the Big Bang or whatever? What if the Universe in the millisecond before the Big Bang was this ideal state of Platonic digital perfection, too perfect to exist, and so it blew up? And what if now our obsessive digitization of every aspect of existence is simply the Universe putting itself back together again? Then, when we finally upload the last bit of digital information and the Universe once again attains digital perfection, there's another Big Bang and the whole thing happens all over again? Over and over and over and over in a tragic cycle of destruction in the relentless pursuit of the unattainable?

Admit it, I just totally blew your mind.

Anyway, this morning I thought to myself, "It sure would be nice to go for a ride. Too bad I have so many responsibilities." But then I remembered I don't have any responsibilities at all, and so I said, "Fuck it, I'm riding." I wasn't a total shirk, though, because by way of doing my part to re-digitize the Universe I strapped the old Fly6 integrated video camera/tail-light to my bike.

(A few people asked why there are no seats on the Ferris wheel, and the answer is that in those days you just hung by your hands like a monkey.)

Well, here it is from approximately the same spot today:

Comparatively sucky, wouldn't you say?

Nevertheless, from there I just nip into the park and then totally slay this gnar-gnar drop-in, dude, burritos, etc.:

Then I'm on this trail:

Thanks to urban sprawl, there aren't too many pleasant ways to leave the city limits on a bicycle. Really, the best way to escape by bike is to find a wormhole, and this is one of the more pleasant ones. In fact, this trail was once a train line, and if you look you can see the rotting railroad ties. The Parks Department is planning to pave and otherwise buff and sanitize this trail in the near future. This is a shame, since for a trail that sees almost no maintenance it's actually in pretty decent shape, especially when you consider we're coming out of the worst winter in decades. Indeed, this was the only obstacle I encountered:

I totally would have bunny-hopped it, but, you know, I was afraid to jostle the Fly6.

Next, I won the city line sprint against myself as usual, at which point the trail abruptly goes from dirt to paved:

And then I encountered another Fred:

There is that pregnant moment as two Freds pass, each eyeballing the other's equipment and shoring up his pedal stroke so it doesn't look too sloppy. As far as animal behavior goes, it's somewhere between a peacock displaying its plumage and a guy sucking in his gut for the salesgirl helping him at Banana Republic. The difference is that it only takes place for a split second, and occasionally at "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed.

Anyway, once you leave the city limits the path continues, though being paved it sort of loses its charm, and in general I'd rank it as "meh-to-pleasant:"

The real appeal is that it's incredibly convenient. It continues for many miles through the northern suburbs, and it provides a car-free jumping-off point for all manner of recreational bicycling endeavors.

This, however, was to be a short ride, and lo I left the path and forded the Saw Mill River, which is also known as Nepperhan Creek, "Nepperhan" obviously being an old Indian word meaning "Piss Rivulet:"

Then there's a little incline as you pass the necropolis:

Which is compounded in difficulty because obviously you've got to hold your breath the whole time.

Next, I executed a somewhat less gnar-gnar burritos dude etc. drop-in onto a different trail:

Please note that I am not riding a properly engineered gravel-specific bicycle, and under no circumstances should you ever try anything like this yourself:

See, I can do it because I'm a semi-professional bike blogger, but the rest of you need that extra half-degree of head tube slackness or whatever, otherwise you are 100% guaranteed to die.

Anyway, it's still hovering around freezing in these parts, plus the wind was blowing at like 500 knots all day yesterday, and as I suspected the trail was firm and air-dried as a result:

Here's a guy walking multiple dogs:

See, you need to have lots of dogs when you live in a populous New York City suburb.

Of course, I shouldn't even have to tell you that the smallest and yappiest of them immediately took off after me, yapping all the while in his stupid jacket, nor should I have to add that the owner made no attempt whatsoever to recall the little piece of shit--not that it would have mattered anyway, because people suck at dogs:

My plan was to let him keep chasing me and then ride to Manhattan if necessary, where the yellow cabs would make short work of him, but then suddenly he stopped and turned around like he'd forgotten his wallet in his other doggie jacket:

Good riddance.

Finally! Blessed, dog-free solitude:

Once I was satisfied that I was safe from dog molestation, I picked a scenic spot and leaned my bike against a tree:

Finally, once the Man in Black finished making his piss rivulet, he approached the Fly6:

And then he killed the witness:

Unfortunately, he took his glove off before strangling it instead of vice-versa, and now he's rotting in jail for public urination.

Speaking of the Fly6, I switched to a more pert saddle bag to make room for the camera on my seatpost, but as it turned out that wasn't necessary since I was able to mount it on the uncircumcised section of seat tube between the top tube and seatpost clamp:

Here's some gratuitous head tube-and-trail porn:

Of course, the headtube of my bike has a lion on it, so I couldn't resist taking a picture of the bike in front of the nearby Son of Sam altar of sacrifice:

I'm not afraid to admit that I was terrified the whole time. Furthermore, train tracks run along the river below, and as I was taking the picture a noisy diesel train was slowly creeping by, its bell going "ding...ding...ding," and between the rumbling of the engine and the death knell it sounded like the intro to a Bathory album.

Then, I heard the sound of twigs breaking. Turning towards the sound, I saw some deer:

Though at first I was certain they were bloodthirsty hellhounds, and if I hadn't urinated moments ago I surely would have soaked through my Giordanas.

Having nabbed the shot, my heart throbbing, I remounted my bicycle and rode off, only to feel a tap-tap-tap on my buttocks! "Dear God!," I cried. "It's the Headless Fred of Yonkers!" Alas, it was not so, and what it actually turned out to be was my keychain about to fall through a hole in my pocket:

Ironically, as I put on this jacket this morning, I was planning to mention how great it was. However, I no longer think it's great, because if I hadn't already been in a heightened state of terror-induced awareness it's unlikely I would have noticed and I would have lost my fucking keys on the trail. Here's a closer look:

It seems the pocket is separating from the jacket right above the word "Castelli," which is also kind of ironic. I suppose it can be easily fixed, but I have cycling jackets and jerseys many years old that have never come close to shitting out the contents of their pockets, so there you go.

In conclusion, if you have this same jacket, make sure you use it with a Fly6. Then at least maybe you can see the spot where you dropped your keys.

I love these mini travelogues. I do the same thing to the yappy dogs, lead them on for as far as they will go. And I guess yesterday's four footed rats have become today's hell hounds, or headless Fred's. No mention of Mt Dogshit, the raging piss rivulet must have washed it away.

Two dog tricks::: don't wear all black, they don't like it. When approaching, lift up your front wheel up and down 5-20 inches few times. Dog will either be scared or thinking you want to play, it may still chase but it will be a play chase rather than defending chase. When u lift front wheel be sure to drop it immediately without any resistance, like when a dog lifts both front wheel to play chase.

Don't wear black?!? So I'm supposed to wear some goofy Fred flamingo outfit because the little doggies don't like black? Then on top of that I'm supposed to hop up and down like a doofus, so between the colors and the hopping I look like a mating lizard???

If one had the patience to slow down just enough to keep an out-of-shape dog interested, one might have a better chance of luring it to that timely and 2.5-dimensional end. I have considered doing this.

--- i found that just wearing a white or whatever color helmet does help --- all black with black glasses you are looking for it.

little dogs you can just look at them in the eye and say something when running into them, they just need to be acknowledge.

but if you ever find yourself one on one with a dogo argentino or other super strong and aggressive breed that just run away from his keeper, you best bet is to attack the dog with the wheelie method. decrease speed, look in eye, scream, wheel. bigger and more aggressive is the dog, higher you have to lift the wheel (above his head height) and faster you need to drop it --- touch the rear brake. Only works with dogs, not with mountain lions, cows, bears and other biggies. Do not do it with big wild animals it may have the opposite.

I think you should have turned around and rode at 3 MPH behind the dog walker dude for about 10 minutes to let him know how it feels to be followed. and then speed up and give him a squirt in the face with your water bottle on your way by. I live near riverside park and the dog people are rampant up here. They think they are doing the world a favor by having a dog somehow, if leaving shit smears all over the side walk is a favor than maybe yes. I don't hate dogs just annoying and entitled dog owners that can't control their stupid mutts.

Here's more:Andrew Crooks, the owner of NYC Velo, a bike shop in the East Village, said that the guessing game over the Snob's identity has been a hot topic. "Early on, a couple of people made suggestions that I wrote it, which I took as a huge compliment," Mr. Crooks said.As well he should.

Whilst on a very heavily attended 'Gran Fondo'-ish ride this past Saturday, I was riding along with a couple of gentlemen, one of whom was shall we say on the slightly douchey end of the fun vs. douche scale. His Fred sled was in the yellowish color-way and he was wearing a U.S. Postal team jersey. I'll let folks draw their own conclusions there.

Anyway, we three were coming up a slight rise and I noticed a teenager had crossed the quiet country road to check the family mailbox. As we approached he saw us and smiled in a friendly way and Mr. douche said in an only slightly joking manner, "Heads up. We wouldn't want to run you over". I remember thinking, and almost said to him, "You know, sometimes a simple 'good morning' will suffice".

Wildcat, he may even be the same one who ordered you to assist in his tire pumping months back. Or at least that same ilk.

Wanna see a dog's "master" go berserk? Wait up for his unleashed dog and coax it along vocally.... "C'mon boy! C'mon!". Did this once to a regular nuisance in my neighborhood. The guy's voice went up two octaves he was in such a panic, alternating between screaming at the dog and screaming at me.

GET OFF THE COUCH Snob, or at least stop hanging out in the comments section, with that "I've been on a ride today so I can goof off for the rest of the day". Don't you have to get the seventeen kids lined up in front of the TV yet?Banana Republic - do they still exist? I haven't been in one since I was slim enough not to need to suck my guts in to impress the sales team.I'm going out riding now. I will either be in chili red or vivid green for visibility, since I have to play in traffic.

Even though im home from work by 3:30 in the afternoon, i like to wait until rush hour and disquise myself as a commuter-fred, just so i can blaze past the pissed off suburban drivers who are stuck in gridlock. As zero hour approaches i prepare myself to mount my wheeled steed of glory and conquer all that is evil in suburbia with my baronial powers of smugness! (I just hope i dont see any chiweenies cause those things are mean friggin man!)

I know you eschew serious commentary unless fatalities are involved, but... Why don't you mention the names of the trails you are riding. Are you afraid your fan base will ride along with you like Forrest Gump? Never mind, they are the Old Put in Van Cortland Park, the South County Trailway and the Old Croton Aqueduct. These are chronically underfunded and under attack by the fucking Tea Party. Use the Force mother fucker!

First!!!...A QUESTION FOR BIKE SNOT. You seem to know some nice trails. I need new ones. Greenway, CP Loop, River Road just aint cutting it. I've heard that there are some nice places in bronx and westchester. Can you recommend a few, or those exact ones that you seem to like taking pics of? I dont ride in packs so I wont be organizing a gran fondo around them. I ride alone, and would be happy to ignore you and not ask for your autograph if i see you on the trails. I would've asked some friendly cyclists that dont intimidate me with their fancy bikes and ornamentation, but frankly I can't find any...Do you want to be my friend? Sorry, too far? So...the trails?

Ok it seems that somebody has outed your secrets already a couple of posts above me. Redundancy is the sign of civilization, whatever that means. I'm not sure there is much to say to me. Id like some attention anyway. Thanks

I ain't even playin. People scoff (do people still actually scoff?) until I bust out the GOTC! kryptonite and the dog cowers in fear. Try it. Worst case scenario you do it and your buddy........wait you don't have a buddy. Nevermind.

Todays post actually made me decide to take my bike down some trails. One raccoon and one SUV (which should not have been on this particular trail) with a chick pissing by the drivers door (yeah, i embarrassed the fuck outa her!). Turns out 28's dont do so great in mud OR sand. Needless to say, i will DEFINITELY be going back there soon!

Given how little I get these days, my pecker is undoubtedly cleaner than my hands. The point, however, is to wash hands a few times a day and you're usually near a sink when you pee indoors. In fact you can save time by...ehhh, maybe I won't go there.

Well its official we are playin Paternal Work Hooky tomorrow and takin the kids on the last day of Spring Break to the Tunnel Hill Rail Trail in Illinois. It has a 543 ft pitch black tunnel and a 75 ft tressel as well. I am fired up. GET OFF THE TRESSEL.

So many dog haters in one room. Did i wander into the Human Resources department? You need some dog language lessons. When a dog is aggressive or nips clothing, rarely is it an attack. It's play or posturing.

Dogs may chase cyclists because when you exercise your sweat smells like cat piss from metabolized protein and not enough water. Drink your water instead of squirting it at dogs.

Dog biscuits are a good idea but a dog isn't going to take them until they nose your hand and you talk to them. You will have to stop the bike or get off to do this.

Try addressing the dog, "What a pretty (handsome) puppy". It will put the owner at ease if you say hello or even stop to greet the dog. Dogs tend to pick up on the owners vibe and respond in kind.

Cyclists are a perceived threat to the dog and in some instances to the owner. Remove that perception by your behavior and that dog won't bother you again.

Some dogs and some owners are just bad and none of this will work. Bared fangs or a straight up tail are warnings except in small dogs who may be overcompensating. In this instance, just pedal faster, preferably in the opposite direction the dog was originally going. It will usually choose to go back to the owner who will praise them because they are an idiot.

This is all observation and not scientific (except the cat piss part).

As I once said in an older comment, I live in a place where dogs are the cyclist's nemesis. In Bucharest, Romania. Here, there are hundreds of thousands of stray dogs, no master to call them back, roaming free on the street or practically everywhere.

In time, Romanian cyclists developed effective tactics against the canine threat, which I am happy to share with you.

1. Most dogs run fast, but not for long. All of them give up after about 50 European meters (i don't know how much is this in American meters, a few Fahrenheit feet and a gallon, I think). All you have to do is keep going, there's no way they'l keep up on the road.

2. Because of having feet, they might catch up with you upon off-road terrains, where your bike is not diligent enough. Even here, dogs are mostly intrigued by the wheels or pedals, and try to bite those and not any of your soft body parts. In most instances, it is enough to keep going, all you risk is to run over the dog's head, which is not actually a risk, but something desirable for most riders of the mountain bike style.

3. Sometimes dogs may display aggressiveness against the rider itself. Very interestingly, most of these dogs give up the fight the minute you dismount your bicycle. They just run in the opposite direction. If you re-mount the bicycle, they come back at you, and so on and so forth, in an intricate dance between man, animal, and machine. A good idea is to walk by your bike until you are out of the dog's territory (the already mentioned 50 European meters).

4. Unfortunately, not all dogs are so easily daunted, especially when they attack in packs. They remember their wolf instincts, and they surround you and come at you simultaneously from your flanks, while some of their team mates cut you off from the front. It is always useful to carry a big raw beefsteak with you. It is counter intuitive, since beefsteaks are also liable to attract packs of hungry dogs, but since they will find you anyway, the dilemma is moot. Throw the steak not too far, and watch them tear each other apart trying to get a piece of it. It is also a useful way to find out who the alpha dog is. If you manage to get the alpha dog and engage in coitus with it while it sits in a submissive position, then do the same with all it's wives, then YOU become the alpha male and the pack is yours, they will follow you and hunt with you wherever you ride your bike. Coitus with alpha dogs is unfortunately prohibited by Romanian law, but they can't prosecute you based solely on the fact that you carry around a pack of dogs everywhere you go, they have to catch you in the act.

5. There are also little ultrasound devices, and even smartphone apps, that emit beams of ultrasound frequencies, that supposedly scare dogs off. In my experience, it works, but only if you get close enough to shove the device/smartphone inside one of the dog's orifices. I think it's because the dog's body acts like some sort of resonance box that amplifies the signal.

Hope you find my advice helpful, as I often found advice on this blog extremely useful. Thank you.

Re dogs, when an animal is illegally and intentionally off the leash and harassing me on a public thoroughfare, I do not stop and say, "nice doggy", to it or the negligent owner, thereby reinforcing their behavior. Let's just say I respond proportionately and effectively. …and yes, Vlad, more than one is bad news.

I know Bike Snob has seen everything, but I think this little atomic light needs some snob attention. http://www.renehersestore.com/servlet/the-1339/ZZ---/Detail

Reportedly, the 37 year, 11 oz light is powered by a "lattice enabled nuclear reaction."Two thoughts from our household: possible treatment for prostate if mounted correctly, and if it blows up on impact what a great revenge for being hit by some D***A** in a car.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!