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Topic: Desperado comes to his senses ... (Read 133 times)

Desperado, why don't you come to your sensesYou been out ridin' fences for so long nowOh, you're a hard oneI know that you got your reasonsThese things that are pleasin' youCan hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boyShe'll beat you if she's ableYou know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet

Now, it seems to me some fine thingsHave been laid upon your table,But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no youngerYour pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home

And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin'Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?The sky won't snow and the sun won't shineIt's hard to tell the night time from the dayYou're losin' all your highs and lows;Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?Come down from your fences; open the gateIt may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above youYou better let somebody love you, before it's too late

Songwriters: Glenn Frey / Don Henley - "The Eagles"

I've been here before and here I am again, bruised but wiser. Went 120+ last year, been serial binging and restarting ever since. I've re-installed "Pluckeye(Level 2)", cleared all saved files and am ready to move forward. I curse the day I was introduced to P & MO. I confess I've allowed these ugly sinful habits to linger, my heart has been corrupted and out of it came my lust for flesh and pleasure to soothe my discomfort, boredom and shame. I've used PMO to self medicate and numb the feelings of living and it worked, I became numb and disconnected. I'm ready to reconnect and instead of foolishly trying one more time in my own strength, I'm enlisting RN & Pluckeye as weapons in my defenses. I admit that on some level I want and enjoy these things that are in fact hurting me, past time to come to my senses...

Notes:I noticed right from the start of installing Pluckeye back on my system that I felt a gut level urge to try and search out some porn, to try and penetrate my defenses, but I resisted the urge to try. Felt anxious for a while before rebuking satan and getting some relief. Last night I had a dream with an erotic component that was interrupted(thankfully). I was at a house party of some sort and a woman I didn't recognize was aggressively trying to perform fellatio on me. Like most dreams its hard to pinpoint where the dream started, but I felt like I'd been dropped in and landed in that moment. I wish I could say I immediately resisted, but in the moment I could feel myself getting ready to consent. Then suddenly things were interrupted and I had to rescue my cat and leave the party. I know, weird. As dreams go its not the weirdest I've had, but I'm certain it was my adversary the devil seeking to devour me and drag me back into the pit of PMO. I'm not going back, I've never been with anyone ever at all except my wife and its going to stay that way. I also noticed yesterday a strong impulse to check out the ladies, which usually isn't a problem for me, my weakness is being alone with a computer. This time is different from my previous attempts at PMO freedom, usually it starts out quiet and then the intensity ramps up around day 10, on a monday while my wife is unavailable to me and perhaps we've had a scheduling conflict for fun time. Then its intense, but this time I've been given the full court press right out of the gate. Good, I must be doing something right. Be well my friends, keep up the fight.

Notes:I had another erotic related dream last night, but to be fair to others I won't share any details, except to say it was an obvious attack from my adversary. Unlike my previous efforts which were typically quiet for at least a few days, this time is a slug fest all day every day. I occasionally just get the taste in my mouth for some porn, if you know what I mean. This battle with PMO is strange, on the one hand I know its bad for me, I know its stealing from me and my wife in many different ways and on one level I do want to be rid of it, but if I'm honest on another level I really, really enjoy it too. I suppose thats why quitting is so hard for so many of us and why the lasting success rate is so low for recovering addicts of all different stripes. I can't speak for anyone else and maybe this is true for us all, but for me I've always had a knack for getting lost in thought, just mentally leaving. I nearly flunked out of 1st grade because I had such a problem with day dreaming, which was a continuing pattern through out my scholastic career and then finally later being diagnosed as ADD, but long after school was a memory. Everything I've read and learned says its all related, my ADD, my sub-par school performance, my struggle with porn and erotica and my interest in all things that go fast. One of the components of ADD is low production of dopamine, so us ADDer's tend to seek out risky behavior and careers in an effort to stimulate ourselves into feeling normal, but of course this need leads to fallout in the rest of our lives. Risky sexual behavior of course can lead to VD, AIDS, infidelity and divorce. Some get into illicit drugs and crime, which can lead to death and prison. I'm not sure what life looks like for me post-PMO, I can't take stimulants like most ADDer's because of a sensitivity to artificial stimulants which elevates my heart to dangerous levels. So I'm a little concerned as to what or how I will be post-PMO without it to elevate me from my natural muted self. I dunno...

2:02 pm UPDATE: Its amazing how the urges coincide with stress. My wife hurt her knee and is gonna require surgery, my business isn't doing well, bankruptcy is a real possibility, but my gut level want, is to wank myself silly to some porn. I know it'd only be temporary relief, but here, in this moment, it sounds very enticing. I'm thankful I reinstalled "Pluckeye" its really keeping me on the rails this time. I haven't made any efforts to beat my defenses, but just knowing its there, as an obstacle, is comforting and reassuring to me.

Notes:Well Hallelujah! For the first time in at least a week I had a good night sleep, No erotic dreams, No stress, I feel better and I have hope. I haven't mentioned it up to this point, but I am a Christian, which makes having this PMO issue an even more serious problem. I don't like referring to it as a problem, because honestly I see it for what it is, SIN(lust, infidelity, fornication, debauchery, etc...). Since RN isn't a Christian only or religious based forum out of respect for others and so I won't sound judgemental, I'll just keep calling it a problem, an addiction. Believe me I have no judgements for anyone struggling with PMO, I know exactly how alluring and addictive it is. I was introduced to porn when I was 8 by a neighborhood friend, it wasn't something I went looking for. In the beginning it sounded ludicrous, hilarious and unbelievable as my friend told me about a magazine his dad had where people did everyday things like playing a piano, but without any clothing... I can still remember the moment, my reaction and then him leading me to where his dads magazines were. At first seeing those first images was just as funny to me as I thought they'd be, but within a few minutes I could literally feel the dopamine coursing thru my brain, my eyes wide, my palms sweaty and after 30 minutes of turning pages I was literally in a stupor. Of course at the time I didn't know what was happening to me, but I knew I liked what I saw and I liked what I felt and I knew I wanted more. Sadly within my friends basement his father had a room dedicated to his seemingly limitless porn collection, stacks and stacks of magazines 2 feet high each. He had centerfolds that he'd had professionally cut out and placed on wooden plaques hanging on the wall, literally surrounded and immersed in a pornographic pool of images. From the start I felt a need, a pull, to see more and more. We'd get together a couple of times a week and waste time flipping thru his erotic library of flesh on parade. This went on for a few years until cable TV arrived on our street in 1982, I was 12.

Our house was located in such a way that no TV antenna was tall enough to get reliable reception so my parents got basic cable for our whole house, 3 tv's. One in the living room, one in my sisters room and one in mine. Back then it was a plain looking black box with a single knob in the center and only like 30 possible channels. Being curious I explored all the channels, we didn't get any of the movie channels, but that didn't stop me trying to look thru the distortion on the screen and listen. Soon I discovered that the last channel was an adult channel and every so often I catch a glimpse of a body part, in motion and with sound... I had heard friends at school discussing how you could cheat your box and make it give you movies for free, but no one knew how to do it. With the possibility of seeing naked bodies in motion I was highly motivated and set out to see if I could figure out how to make this happen. Took the box apart, fiddled around inside and realized the solution was stupid cheap and simple, a 1-1/2 inch long piece of scotch tape blocking the contacts and video porn was mine, 24/7, free and private. Once the images were in motion and with sound, it wasn't long before my P=Porn progressed to PMO, often...

So that's how I got started and my progression or digression proceeded like most guys my age, with each advancement in technology brought more opportunity and choice. At my peak or at the depth of MY depravity I composed erotic stories, erotic recordings and was PMO'ing 3,4 and 5 times a day, even after I got married. I've made several attempts at quitting and had some successes at times, but when ever a new technology presented itself a new wave of addiction returned. Mags to Cable to VHS to Internet and DVD, then add in the stresses of life and self medicating was easy and readily available. When I was introduced to the web in 1998, my third search ever(15 minutes) was for porn. So anyway that's my story in a nutshell or nut-bag depending on your view point; I'm 47, married, ADD and quitting PMO for the last time.

Notes:Slept pretty good last night, had some cravings yesterday but never acted on any. Have an appointment for my wife to see the orthopedic surgeon on Monday and hopefully surgery will follow quickly there after. I guess that's all there is to report, just simmering in my own desires letting the clock tick, tick-tock, tick-tock...

2 Timothy 2:22 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

22 Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

Be well as we flee from youthful lusts together, though it may cause discomfort at times.

Notes:Slept good, no more erotic dreams. I have had some impulses to search for videos now and then, but I've resisted. I wonder if these urges, these temptations decrease over time, I'd hate to think I have to maintain this level of resistance perpetually. Honestly a part of me still really wants to dive in head first, but I know what awaits on the other side. If I did dive in it'd be a few hours wasted searching, edging, followed by 4 or 5 rounds of M to O. Then afterwards the guilt, the shame and regret would come roaring back and I'd hate myself. This cycle must be broken, I just hope what I'm left with will be satisfying. Here, mid-stream is the worst, I have memories of the past and what it can offer, but no clear idea of the future.

I love the show, "Elementary" and the parallels of Sherlock's heroin addiction to the addiction of porn. I remember in season 2 I think it is, he remarks to Joan that his addiction is like a leaky faucet and now he's been sober for 2 years and the most his sobriety can offer is not to drip... I hope and pray there is more at the end of this slog, than simply a faucet that doesn't drip anymore. I need more. Please God, let there be more. [/quote]

Quitting pmo and water fasting at the same time? Hate to tell you this good buddy, but that may be tough on a fellow. A man has only so much will power.

It is tough. I've actually had a meal here or there opting to make PMO the primary focus. My health needs the fast, no doubt and I only caved on the meal after going grocery shopping for my wife who is down with a busted knee. We see the Ortho-surgeon tomorrow @ 3. I've done the water fasting before and usually by day 3 it gets easier. Thanks for the encouragement and words of cautious wisdom, I'm listening. I do confess some frustration, my wife has been struggling with illness and injury and chronic allergic reactions for several years, our sex life has been declining and sporadic at best and the PMO was one way how I coped. I know its no excuse and I honestly know my wife still finds me attractive and wishes we could return to our former vigorous selves as much as I do, but sometimes it seems to be slipping further away instead of regaining lost ground. Its hard not to get down and this afternoon I gave in a looked at a few clips, no MO took place, but I know that dopamine was still released and it effected me. I have Pluckeye installed, but I had it set for 4 hours so I could do some maintenance and while it was down I caved in. Just got finished deleting the files and I'm resetting the timer to 40 days instead of hours. I try not to complain or mention my sex life as I've seen other men on here who've gone without for years, so my sporadic love making would be a dream to them, instead of something to mourn the decline of... Sometimes I think its harder having someone so close, under the same roof, in the same bed and not be able to enjoy ourselves the way we once did and long to again. Its no excuse, the responsibility is mine, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. So we begin again, Day 1.

Cage,Recovery is not a straightforward process. There will always be ups and downs. Setbacks should not set you back. Instead they are invaluable experience to understand yourself better.

Keep going my friend. Dont worry about the number of days.Focus on improving and improvement plans.You'd find that you have many other things to work on beyond pmo.Its wonderful to finnal reconnect with yourself.Life is more meaningful when we extricate ourselves from addiction.Let this be your main focus: self connection.

Keep up.your water fasting. This is great. What are the reasons for water fast?

Notes:Regardless of my setback yesterday I am still committed to being free of PMO and excited about moving into the next phase of my life. I am currently facing many storms financial, physical and spiritual. My decision to water fast is rooted in everything I mentioned, I want to reboot, my body, my mind and my spirit. I no longer wish to be who I've been, but I'm not sure what "me" will look like on the other side, I just know I can't continue with how and who I've been. My biggest hope and prayer is for my wife's health that only God knows for sure what it actually is, not to mention her physical disabilities and injuries. If I had half my wife's strength I wouldn't be here on RN, but I don't.

As a child I was labeled a day dreamer, my teacher told my parents I was most likely going to dig ditches or pick up trash, I was told by my father I was too destructive and that I never finish anything. I can still see myself in my mind, what I was doing when he said it. My father isn't a mean man, but needless to say he never really understood me, but I'm sure he did the best he could. So far I have done a good job at wrecking things and failing to complete projects I've begun. My pastor and my wife both tell me that I should just forget what he said, but every time things start to cave in on me I hear his words again and more often than not, I walk away. I know I sound depressed this morning and I am, but its one of the typical phases I go thru after a setback. By tomorrow I will have re-summoned my enthusiasm and focus and be back on track in earnest. I've never understood why its so important to me to win my father's approval, when I know its unattainable. But still I go back again and again hoping this time I'll get it right...