LeBron James has found himself in quite the predicament down in La La Land. The Lakers are all but eliminated from playoff contention with about twenty games left to play in the regular season, and The King just can’t seem to do anything right. As a Portland guy, I’ll always revel in watching LA flail. It’s clear that when a once-storied franchise becomes a complete sideshow, in any sport, everyone else enjoys it too.

Disclaimer:

I’ll admit that I’m pretty much a helicopter Blazer fan. I watch the national TV games, and otherwise rely on the ESPN app pretty heavily. For this reason, I won’t be referring to the Blazers as, “we,” but that’s also because I’d like to reserve that specific brand of fan entitlement for UO sports. At least in this blog.

Disclaimer done. Back to Bron Bron.

I would call LeBron a clown, but you have to go to college to earn that title. Bronnie Boy arrived in Hollywood last July with hopes of continuing his budding acting career, but he has quickly learned that for every star on the Walk of Fame, there are hundreds of Tummy Tea endorsement deals waiting in the wings. The Kid from Akron might soon realize that when things get tough in California, there’s only one thing to do (something I’ll do one day): move to Oregon.

In free agency, LeBron was the ultimate Bachelor. Every single city was desperate for that final rose. Portland was vying for his attention as much as any franchise with the whole, “Dame needs a third option,” billboard stuff. But as soon as the Zers knew they weren’t even making it to Hometowns, they gladly settled right back into their front seat at the Tell All.

LeBron is officially a Californian now. As a Portland Metro Area native, I am obligated to make a joke about being mad about the influx of Californians moving to Portland, but for once in my life I am less concerned with the impacts of internal US migration on local standards of living, because some things just AREN’T bigger than sports.

As Bron looks around at the fledgling young team he has in LA, one that was actually playing well for a stint while Lavar Ball’s only son was healthy, he might start to question his future. He had a committed group around him, but he treated Kyle Kuzma and everyone else like Caelynn by snubbing them while tampering his way to Anthony Davis, only to get completely Cassie-d in the end.

Now, that was a lot of “Bachelor meets NBA” talk for a guy who has watched very little Bachelor, and probably less of the NBA as a whole. However, I know a fence jumper when I see one, and just like Colton the Virgin, King James is a clear-cut, stage five fence jumper. In this case, I believe that fence is placed at the border of Oregon and California.

Former Oregon Governer Tom McCall is famously credited with placing signs at Oregon’s border saying something to the effect of, “Welcome to Oregon — Now Go Home!” I don’t like to get political here, but with LeBron looming, it seems like a pretty good time to bring those back @KateBrown.

I’ve got news for you, “King,” Portland doesn’t want anything to do with you. You may have sent us home early on in your search for love, but that also means that we got to see you in all your messy reality TV glory. The contestants who once truly wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you have now seen your true colors. Perhaps being willing to sell off your entire team in the pursuit of a unibrow is par for the course in Brentwood, but that just ain’t gonna fly in Rip City.

All-Star Point Guard, Damian Lillard, clearly anticipated that a fence jumping attitude was permeating up and down the West Coast, so he recently came right out and cleared the smog by committing to his dream of delivering a title to Portland.

If you happen to see Dame in “The Shop,” anytime soon, I’ll eat my column.