Destitute in Paradise (Badoing is Dead, Long Live Badoing.)

This Autobiography is about my personal journey out of the pit of Depression, Anxiety, Low Self-Esteem, & Apathy……..(the list goes on.) in my case, as a result of an Undiagnosed Personality Disorder, (We’ll get to that later.)

Preface.

A dozen or so years ago, after a lifetime of introspection; Trying to solve the puzzle of my life; I decided to read some books on Depression, bad move, they spoke of Miracles & God, I was a Militant Atheist, the others were no better, and in fact they made me feel worse.So I read no more.

Some time after I had been Saved, I realized, that part of my Mission, was to write a book about Depression, but to make that book Humorous, & easy to read; this then, is my attempt. The journey begins in May 2002. Location: Llanelli, South West Wales, but that path began only, after a much longer & painful road that led to its beginning, & there is much we need to know about ~Jami.But first let’s say hello to Badoing.

Some of the Character’s Names have been changed to protect their Identity.

Who was Badoing & how did he Die,

Badoing was harmless; A Hedonist Extraordinaire, and yet Celibate. 45 years old, riddled with Depression, Social Anxiety’s, Suicidal tendencies, Jack Daniels, & Crack Cocaine. (Mostly.) Badoing loved to Dance, but he only ever figured out how to Dance alone, poor bugger; he was terrified of Women & Distrustful of Men; I know he a broke a few Heart’s with his unavailability; For him, it was so much more, than mere Dancing…It was Necessary…it was his only reliable form of Deep emotional expression. Dance as he might, he could never truly escape the People; even when he felt totally lost to the Emotion’s & Rhythm’s of the Music; Badoing knew you were there, watching; maybe not, he didn’t care, (Or so he told himself.) the only thing that really mattered; Was to Dance, & be free of the here & now. But Badoing could never escape his concern; for your Welfare, you see from Badoing’s point of View, if he could make you feel better about yourself; then quite naturally, he would feel better about himself; & so he lived, to find ways; that would help others on their Journey, knowing that he would be Lifted too. Badoing died in the early hours of New Years day 2004.

Hello My name is ~Jami.

I have a Personality Disorder, & it’s mine! ; down through the years, many Shrink’s ,Quack’s, Doctor’s & Counselors have tried to take it from me; Or me from it I’m not sure?... but it’s mine, & it covers me from head to foot, inside & out; it clings to me like Tar, & it will not wash away, but I’m buggered if I can see it…Can you? (It’s called Reactive Attachment Disorder or R.A.D.)And yet, it Plagues every waking moment of my Life; it Colours the Patterns of my Behaviour, it is there in everything that I do; & Think…Sometimes I talk to it, I say things Like “ Hello my name is ~Jami, what’s going on?, & it replies, “Why?...Why?; I hear that one quite a lot actually.. Another thing I’ve noticed about it, is that you can give it as much Weed & Chocolate, Sex, or Wine as you like…( Actually Sex is the first thing to go out the window.) But nothing seems to feed it: in fact you ever, only feel worse; for Punishing your Body so.

When I was young; before I could figure out what was going on in my Life, I used to Break my Toy’s… all of them. Then they brought out "Tonka" Toys, I couldn’t break them; so they put me in Care; along with, my Older Brother Ali, (Who told the Taxi Driver on the way, that I broke all my Toy's.) & my Younger Sister Tammy.

But I’m skipping ahead, lets go Back to the Beginning. I am James Innes Denholm; & I come from an Ancient and Proud Family of Denholm’s, & Pisshead's. Our Family Motto is, “Victoriam per permaneat.”; Which I’ve always taken to mean “Ah go on, just one more round, Please”; but actually means “Victory through Persistence.” and as a Denholm; I am incapable of Giving Up, though it may take Decades to Achieve my Goal; & We are all the same.

The Denholm's are an Ancient Family; No serious study Of Scottish History; can fail to Notice the Recurring Name… Denholm; we are Unforgettable. Love us or Hate us, but we all, have the capacity to leave an indelible mark on People’s Heart’s.First & Foremost, we Love People & we Love Having Parties, sometimes it hard to separate the two, we have large open Hearts, & make Loyal Friends.

Family Folklore Says that we are all Descended from Scottish Royalty; albeit illegitimately; However there is a Village in the Scottish Borders County of Hawick, called Denholm, It is from there; I believe My Ancestors are from.

The word Denholm, means " Dry Land in the Valley".

In the next Section Iwill talk about; " ~Jami, the early Years. (Living with a Personality Disorder.)"