My brain thinks differently than the rest of the world. These are those thoughts.

I Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Touch Electronics

For instance, I’m very good at forgetting passwords. Technically that’s not my fault though. They* say to have a different password for every account you have. So I have a password for Facebook, one for twitter, another one for me email, a 4th one for my online banking and so on. Thus it is understandable why I forget every password at least once a week.

I’m also really good at getting hangnails and then picking at them until they bleed. Again, not really my fault. The things are incredibly irritating.

I can quote stupid movies. That is a very useful talent for one to possess. People love a good “count on pee-drinking crap-face” now and again. It’s a great one for parties.

I can make a mean chocolate pie.

I know a lot of useless hockey statistics. I would say that could come in handy if you were on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and had a hockey related question. You could use me as your phone a friend, but they changed the way that show works, so this talent is not even helpful for that now.

And my best talent is purchasing expensive electronic gadgets and ruining them. I’m super great at that.

It started my freshman year of college. I had a dell desktop computer. It broke. 6 months after I purchased it, it just stopped working. Super.

Junior year of college, I bought myself a dell laptop. It was green and super awesome. Guess what? It stopped working as well. But this time I was smarter, I had a warranty. I got my delightful green laptop fixed. Then something fantastic happened. I dropped it. Right off my desk during class, just dropped it right onto the floor. So after that the screen just sort of fell backwards when open, rather than standing erect as it should.

My junior year of college I also decided to invest in an iPod touch. Did you know those things do not like nail polish remover? One would assume that they probably wouldn’t, but that didn’t stop me from dumping a whole bottle of it on my iPod. Also did you know that apple warranty’s do not cover that sort of accident? Who knew that stupidity wasn’t covered.

More recently I purchased another laptop. I wish I could say that this purchase was more successful. But nope. It fell off my bed a week after I bought it. Aaand now the screen doesn’t work. At all. I might as well not even have a screen and just sit with a keyboard and only a keyboard. That’s how useful it is to me. It is incredible difficult to use a computer when you can’t see what is on the screen. In fact, I might venture to say, it is impossible.

And that brings me to the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

I purchased a Macbook. My computer/Apple product track record is not good. In fact,it’s terrible. I break everything. I don’t know why I did what I did. I’m only setting myself up for failure here. I go and purchase one of the most expense laptops that exist and decided it would be safe for me to have? What is wrong with me? Although thus far, I’ve had it for a 3 and a half hours and it’s still working so, not too shabby.

I won’t be surprised if it suddenly combusts right in front of me. Or a tornado comes and blows it away. This would not shock me, mainly because I am me. And that is what I do. I break things. It is my one true talent in life. If you need something broken, I’ll do it. I don’t even need to touch it. I just need to be in its presence and poof! Broken. I am so good at breaking valuable items.

And that is why immediately after posting this I’m going to put this Macbook back in it’s box and never touch it ever, ever again. I can’t break it if it’s not in my hands right?

And even if I do manage to break it without touching it, I purchased the 3 year Apple Care plan. So suck on that, computer! You won’t win this one!

*I like to imagine ‘they’ is a collective group of men who wear suspenders and snort when they laugh. This makes life more fun for me.