Why take on more?

Ok, — it doesn’t make sense!
So many things I can’t do these days. Pains are just overwhelming. Not even the computer part of everyday life since it seems overwhelming too just to open the darn computer! – and now NaNoWriMo?

A month of writing with the goal of 50.000 words isn’t that borderline insane when computer and internet seems such a heavy burden just to enter? Well, it could also be an incentive to get back on track. At least that’s what I hope. And first day went well.

Not only did the first day go well, but I’m online now as well! Now I’d like to go rowing and have a shower, but the mere thought of it makes my hands shake. What a shitty feeling! I DID love the rowing and the normality about a daily ritual. The return to a real week with a day off every Sunday. Now it seems out of reach.

It’s not easy to ask for help, since I don’t know what to ask for. Ask for the miracle to have my pains reduced? – to get my brain to work more effectively? Hardly ‘do-able’.

So I keep challenging myself. Squeezing every ounce of possibility out of a bad apple.

I’m a competitor – big time. Competing with myself mainly. What others can do stands merely as a goal to be reached. If they can do it, why shouldn’t I make an effort to do so too? Otherwise it’s all over. The day I stop trying.