Greenman Da Pornogre

Saturday, April 22, 2006

When Is A Cucumber A Fruit?

Given Bro. Dobson's catch regarding the deviant sexuality of the louche Spongebob- he of the "square" pants, I couldn't help but be suspicious of the orientation of all the children's programming characters out there today. Keeping in mind the predilection among christians to "suffer" the children- see Priestgate, I thought I'd check there first. And, what do you know, I discovered the largely unpublicized "XXX" version of the popular "VeggieTales" from BigIdeas. Who'd have guessed that lovable Larry the Cucumber worea rug? Or that he was a fruit and not necessarily a vegetable. Our poor children.

Friday, April 21, 2006

simpcocks

Meet Chris Simcox. That's him over there on the right. A former kindergarten teacher in LA, Chris retreated to Tombstone, AZ and began to plot a reimagining of the OK Corral, with he and his as the Earp faction and the entire nation of Mexico as the Clantons. Chris founded the Minuteman Civil Defense Corps. He and his buddies arm themselves and play dress-up while doing ride alongs with the border patrol.

Now, Chris and his pals have climbed in the wayback machine to visit China, circa the Qin Dynasty. They've delivered an ultimatum to Our Dear Leader that, if he won't act to toughen border security, Chris and his happy campers will build a fence of their own, running the length of the southern border- but, being chainlink and concertina, probably not viewable from space.

msjade

Jade actually has arms and may or may not actually smoke- handrolled or otherwise. She doesn't have anything to do with the subject of this post except in the sense that her beauty is the antithesis of the grotesquerie that is Michelle Malkin.

Seems Miscegenelle got a bee in her burqa over some California college students who were protesting military recruiters on their campus. Now, these students made the mistake of including some personal contact info in their press release and the Filipina Franco, in her infinitesimal wisdom, decided to publish it.

As you could probably expect, the Manila Mussolini's Minions- some one at kos called them "orc-like" and that pretty much sums it up- descended upon the unsuspecting peace activists like a plague of locusts. Except locusts spouting death threats.Lovely.

When the horrified students contacted Mal-kin to remove their contact info, she promptly removed it and apologized to them- no, wait, that would be the rational thing to do. She actually reposted the info in question like the shrew that she is.

I should make it clear that I consider Michelle Malkin to have, by her actions, renounced her humanity and would gladly give a firm handshake to the one who brings me her pelt.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter

Everybody likes Jesus. Leaving divinity aside- and that's not as big a step as it seems(ask Thomas Jefferson, Deist, who constructed his own version of the Gospels by snipping out all the miraculous stuff), as a politician, as a philosopher, Jesus was worthy of study and emulation. If more people actually believed and lived by that catchphrase; "What Would Jesus Do?", the world would be a much better place. Unfortunately, the answer to that ubiquitous question, no matter how many times you shake it up or "Ask Again Later", the answer never comes up "Vote Republican."

Because I like Jesus so much, I prefer to imagine the rumors of his horrible death as greatly exaggerated. I like to think of him as marrying the Magdalene- in a huge blowout party in Cana, before setting sail for the south of, wait for it..., France. My own belief in the entirely human nature of his blood kind of deflates the whole Merovingian balloon but I like to think of him and Mary, sitting on the porch, surrounded by their grandkids.

The crucifiction, especially in the hands of Mel Gibson, is just ugly. Happy Easter.

Friday, April 14, 2006

How much Up could an Upchuck chuck if an Upchuck could chuck Up?

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Yep, 2nd Amendment time. Being no legal scholar, I can only read it as words in a sentence and, at first glance, it appears that this "right" Chuck Heston, Wayne LaPierre, and rednecks everywhere are continuously kvetching about, is entirely contingent on the "well regulated Militia, being necessary..."

When it was drafted, there was no U.S. Army let alone a National Guard. Every able bodied male was expected to come to their respective State's call armed with their own weapon because the States didn't have arsenals and didn't want to spend the money necessary to arm all the men.

I think we can all agree that this "well regulated Militia" is no longer necessary- though with the National Guard busy in the Iraq clusterfuck, we may have to rethink that one. Therefore, I submit to you that the 2nd Amendment is no longer valid or binding, that a redrafting is in order, and that, until the reworking is done, Congress is essentially free to ban all personal firearms*.*- note I didn't say they should, just that they could.

I see nothing wrong with having all firearms registered, their firing pin imprints and lands/grooves documented.I see nothing wrong with holding the individual gun owner criminally responsible for any damage done with his or her weapon, regardless of who's hands it's in when it occurs. I see nothing wrong with holding the gun manufacturers responsible when their product ends up on the streets unregistered and for the deaths that follow.

In the immortal words of Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Handguns are made for killing. They ain't no good for nothing else..." We have to register our cars every year and pay to insure them against the damage we may cause through their use. And cars aren't even meant to kill. Seems kind of silly that some folks want to spout off about "cold, dead hands" and such rot over legislative measures meant to inspire responsibility(Hell, they can still do their cold, dead hands schtick in their next stand-off with the blue-helmeted UN/ZOG troops who moved in silently in black helicopters).

I should make this clear, I own two handguns- an old relic and a modern Sig. I have a concealed carry permit and, in fact, I'm licensed to teach the class necessary for obtaining it. I don't hunt but the rest of my family does and I really don't have a problem with it. I don't want to give up my weapons but I have no problem with anybody- up to and including the government, knowing that I own them.

Soon, Charlton Heston will be actually cold and dead and someone can wrap his stiff little fingers around that famous musket. At least he'll rot happy.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

quilty

Always sitting by young George's side, just knitting away, is it? No, it's not Mama Bar, though a cross between Mme. Defarge and "Buffalo Bill", of "Lambs" fame, kind of sums her up as well.

Call her "Kharmen", if you address her, for she tallies like Inca strings and abaci the sins of the man we call "Preznit"- and throw up in our mouths a little (praise jeebus for Prilosec).

Every single fallen soldier, every faceless native lumped together as "collateral damage", they all go in George's debt column. Gaze upon his ledger, now a tome, soon to rival the OED for shelf space- but what does a man who says "nuke-ular" need with a dictionary?

This man or, more appropriately, this adolescent in suspended animation, suffers from a serious deficiency in character. That's what happens when one goes from silver spoon in the mouth to silver spoon at the nostril, when all of one's mistakes and/or failures are swept under the rug with lawyers- guns?- and money, when what little that does go right is built up into legend- see Rangers: Texas.

I didn't vote against George W. Bush because he was a Republican or an evilgelical christian. I voted against him because he was George W. Bush.

Somewhere during this passage of time, somewhere deep within the collective DNA of the species, we've stopped producing high quality leaders for ourselves. Where are the Jeffersons (yes, I realize they're "moving on up"), the Lincolns, the Kennedys- I think Ted must be a stepchild? Hell, if Lincoln came along today, he'd be dismissed for being unphotogenic, for being awkward, for not being someone Joe Sixpack would want to have a beer with.

Settling for a leader that rednecks and evilgelicals are comfortable with would be humorous if it weren't so terrifying.

Makes me long for a fire and brimstone hell to be winked into existence exclusively for the Bush League Gall- Stars

Crapture

Used to dream, wet, of the RaptureThe cheap, illicit thrills of "The Stand".(Don't you worry none. I'm inevitably still standing after the shit goes down. No matter the substance of the shit).All the meddlesome Christers gone in one fell swoop.Ahh...But, then, it hit me.If it did go down that the righteous all went up, I'd be stuck with those same C.I.B.S.Os-Christians In Bumper Stickers Only- back here on earth.Whew!It's a good thing it's not gonna happen.Wet dreams go nightmare.Fuck.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

kitkat

This little guy, may he rest in peace- if he actually existed and wasn't just PhotoShopped into existence- has become the Poster Cat for the Intelligent Design- not to be confused with Bowel- Movement. Why? I couldn't say.

Driving Miss Ruth

The young lady on the right, with Chimpy's Vienna Sausage between her fingers, is Ruth Malhotra. The Georgia Tech student is pursuing legal action against the institution so that she may exercise her God-given right to insult homosexuals. Did I mention she's the chairman of the Tech College Republicans?

Taken by itself, Ruth's ridiculous campaign is worthy of a guffaw and a place for her on the Wall of Shame two spaces below Michelle Malkin. But, when you add in an attempt in Tennessee to ban dildos, a bill in Missouri protecting pharmacists who refuse to dispense Plan B/the morning after pill, another Missouri bill attempting to have Jesus declared State God, and, the capper, the proto-simian Bill Napoli's South Dakota abortion ban(and a real tearjerker of a christi-virginal exception), it becomes just the latest example of what I like to call the Massive Fundie Tantrum sweeping this nation.

The Republican Party's "Pay for Play" farce is in shambles, the pretendsident is growing steadily more out of touch, batshit crazy, and unpopular, and the house of cards that the evangelicals built on the backs of Bush and the GOP is cluttering the floor of the church like a Mardi Gras 52-Pickup Orgy.

So, these whackjob fundies are backed into a corner, dinosaurs catching a whiff of asteroid in the air. All of their recent insanity is but the kicking and screaming of the youngster avoiding a bath. I like to think of myself as a firehose.