Cowboys and Indians

You see, I got a telephone call today. It was one of those Indian computer scammers who was trying to “fix” my Windows. Unlike most though, this bloke had a reasonable grasp of English and I could actually understand what he was saying. I decided to play along.

“May I speak to the householder?” Says he.

“I am the householder” says I keeping my language as plain as possible.

We established that I was sitting comfortably and that my PC was switched on.

He went into a long rigmarole about how he had been appointed by Microsoft to fix computers and that they had informed him that my PC was infected. He told me how thousands of my files would have been changed and that my computer was full of viruses.

“Wow!” says I “That sounds very serious. Is it dangerous?”

“Do not worry” says he. “I will fix it for you.”

I told him he was very kind. He liked that.

He then proceeded to give lengthy instructions on how to find the Ctrl key. After a suitable pause, I told him I had found it.

He then directed me to the key beside it. I asked if it was the key with the four little bent squares on it. This caused some confusion but he agreed in the end that I had indeed found the right key. He told me to hold down that key and press R. Now anyone who uses Linux will know that this will do fuck all. I was intrigued at this stage so decided to fire up Windows along with Linux. I had to explain the delay, so I told him I had pressed something wrong and that the machine was “re-something” “Rebooting?” says he, obviously delighted to have a right plonker on the line.

While Windows was loading we had a wee chat. We established that I was on a dial up connection [I’m not] and that only myself and the five kids had access to my PC. He promptly blamed the kids for the infection.

Eventually, Windows loaded and I followed his instructions and ran “inf”. It didn’t work and I told him so. This frustrated him, because he explained that “inf” is the command to show infected files [whereas I know that it’s supposed to show the legitimate contents of a Windows folder called “Inf”]. I told him that it was very difficult anyway to hold down Ctrl, the Windows key AND type “inf” all at the same time. He sighed.

He decided to take a new tack and said he would fix the problem for me. I told him that he was very kind. He told me to fire up my browser. I switched back to Linux where my browser was already open, and played a swift game of cards. He asked what was taking so long. I told him my browser was just loading and that it was being very slow today. Eventually I finished my game and said I was ready.

“Good” says he. “Now do you see where it says “google.ie” at the top?” This was clever. The fucker at least knew he was talking to someone in Ireland. “Now wipe that out so it is just a blank box.”

I told him I had done that.

“Now type W W W” says he.

“W W W W” says I.

“Noooooo! W W W. Three Ws.”

“Sorry” says I. “W W W.”

“Dot” says he.

“D O T” says I. That really pissed him off.

This went on for a while and eventually he steered me into a site – www.ammyy.com which offers a free download for remote control software. At last I could see where this was heading. He told me to download it.

“I can’t do that” says I.

“Why not?” says he, getting frustrated again.

“Because I am using Linux and it won’t run.”

There was a long pause. “What did you say?” says he at last.

“I said I am running Linux and I can fix any imaginary problems myself because I am a computer engineer……….”

I have never heard someone hang up so fast. It must have been a world record.

Comments

Cowboys and Indians — 23 Comments

Just head over to http://www.linuxmint.com. Download and burn the file to disk. You can either boot into that disk and try it out, or else run "mint4win.exe" on the DVD which will create a wee "virtual PC" in Windows. Either way, you can play around with it to see what it can do. If I can work it, anyone can!

Well done, one for the archives. The last guy to ring me up I told him I lived on top of a hill and my broadband wasn't working because it couldn't come up the hill! He went to check with his supervisor when I hung up!

Well, thank you for yet another ruined keyboard (although I've learned to keep spares around since I've been reading Head Rambles). Spit my tea all over it you know. This one says it's "washable" though so do you think I should unplug it first before dumping it in the bathroom sink?

Last time one of these fuckers called chez moi the wife answered… When she was informed that we had a problem with our machine, she asked what could that possibly be as 1) I'm a bona fide computer engineer 2) my son is a networks guru for NBC and 3) my daughter is an applications analyst, so with all bases covered what could possibly be wrong?.. He put the 'phone down very quickly.

(I don't get this type of call any more, OR double glazing, OR stupid surveys, OR solar panel salesmen since I invested £80 in a Truecall box. None of the fuckers has the stamina to get past the Great Wall of China thrown up by this box when an unrecognized number tries ringing me, the phone doesn't even ring!… Friends/family get straight through by being on the preferred list and it's easy to add/delete numbers, so we've gone from 5 cold calls per day average to ZERO in 3 months!… Highly recommended…)

I don't get that many calls. The only ones I get are either trying to fix my computer or they are some fucking bleeding-heart charity trying to part me from my cash [some hope!]. The charities usually use a "withheld" number so I am prepared for 'em with a little speech about disturbing the sleep of the elderly. The computer ones are quite happy to display their numbers which is strange, as presumably they are easily traceable?

I don't see any mention of TrueCall in Ireland so it probably doesn't work here!!

A lot cheaper than TrueCall and seems to do pretty much the same job. I haven't bought one yet so can't give an opinion on it, but I'm seriously thinking about getting one. The number of recorded calls I'm getting is becoming more than a little annoying.

I HATE FUCKING COLD CALLERS… The cunts think that they have the right to disturb you AND tie up the 'phone line that YOU are paying for at any hour of the day or night, despite your number being on the TPS/opt out UK/call prevention/nuisance call registries… What they are doing is effectively illegal but they don't care.

I installed the Truecall box after a particularly nasty bastard trying to flog me solar panels, when told by me just before hanging up on him to shove his parasitical subsidised-by-everybody-else solar panels up his arse and fuck off, the cunt had the temerity to call me straight back with a complaint about my language and attitude!… To which he got a lot more abuse, needless to say, before I hung up on him again… He didn't call back that time…

Sean, I did some research before buying and the Truecall was the only one where there were no adverse comments that I could find (except, of course, whingeing about the price!). Also, it's the only box which has all the bells and whistles built in, like answering machine, call recording facility etc…. This last would be very useful if you suffer from nuisance calls or 'phone stalking in that the evidence can be collected without having to connect your 'phone to a separate recording device.

The Truecall box should work anywhere that Caller ID can be enabled on the line (so Eire is OK) as it needs this facility to check that the caller is "preferred"… If they're on the list, the box puts them straight through with no intervention (our 'phone list is about 60 numbers of family/friends/doctor etc. and you can upload them to the Truecall website then download to the box by telling it to "'phone home"… Much easier than the alternates like CPR where you would have to input and store every number by typing it on your 'phone keypad). Any number you may have forgotten to list can be added by pressing the star key when that number calls you next (the caller would have to fight their way through to talk to you, but after you've "starred" them, they get through straight away next time).

The Truecall has a pre-recorded message which tells a "withheld" caller that call screening is in place and asks them to press a specific digit on their keypad (which thus screens out all the computer-generated automatic calls), then requests the caller to state their name. Then and only then does the 'phone ring and the box tells you who is calling and gives you the option of accepting or rejecting the call by pressing either the star or the hash keys. Until you've done that, the caller is in limbo, waiting on you to respond. If you "hash" them, the box plays a message which sweetly but effectively tells them not to call again (It's "fuck off", but politely). The only people we know who call us and have number withheld seem to be quite happy with this arrangement, they also suffer from cold callers and are envious of the fact that we at least have a solution.

The other thing I like is that all the pre-recorded responses (the default ones are polite but firm) on this box can be re-recorded by you if required… If I had my way, being a cantankerous auld bastard like GD, I would do this today. However, Herself feels that "fuck off, cunt" may be slightly inappropriate under some circumstances, so she won't let me…