Hard times

OK, I don't normally post on boards but I figured I'd get some outside opinions from people that don't know me. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 4, and both in our late 20s. Our families get along great. We had always talked about having kids and are very excited about the prospect.

Last year I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, had my thyroid removed, and went through a one-dose radioactive iodine treatment. I'm fine, just a routine body scan left the end of this year. Since we have the official OK from the endocrinilogist to have kids without any effects from the radioactive iodine, we're thrilled! I stopped my pill last week because we had both decided we were ready to start trying.

Well, it was all hunky-dory for a week or so until it REALLY hit me - I could get pregnant right away. All these questions: Do we have enough money? (No, you never really do for a kid but my husband is actively looking for an accounting job but can get a job in restaurant management at the drop of a hat). Are we in a good living situation? yes. Do we have good health insurance? Yes, I'm very grateful that my company covers 90% of my health insurance.

So now I'm thinking about going back on the pill for another couple monthes, but I can't go back on it until I have my period now. My husband and I are at odds because he doesn't see the problem with getting pregnant now. He says money isn't such an issue because he can go in and get that job. But, if he does, he'll be working nights, weekends, and holidays.. any combination thereof.

I love my husband with all my heart and with all my being. I want nothing more than to have children with him. What do I do? What do I say? things are very tense between us right now as I feel like I've let him down...

I apologize for the rambling. If anyone needs any questions answered, please don't hesitate to ask.

First, I’m glad you have recovered from your ordeal of the past year! I’m sure it couldn’t have been an easy time for you and DH.It is very exciting that your doctors have given the thumbs-up to start trying to have a baby.

Second, your questions and concerns seem very normal to me.Before pregnancy becomes a reality, it’s sort of this nebulous exciting prospect floating around that you see happening sometime in your future.Once the “future” becomes the “now,” it’s like… whoa, we’re really doing this!!I just went off the pill.I had planned to go off at the end of August, but when it came time to do it, I was suddenly filled with all of these worries, similar to yours.

Talking about my sudden fears with DH and my girlfriends helped enormously.Also, I just started doing more research, and found that, according to the “are you ready” quizzes, I seemed rather ready. JI made a dental appointment since I read that you should have a full cleaning before getting pregnant.DH and I have been consciously eating better.The money thing can often be a touchy subject, but we talked about how so many of our friends have kids and don’t need baby stuff anymore that we’ll have tons of hand-me-down clothing, supplies and furniture. LIke you, we have a good place to live and good health insurance. Etc., etc.In general, I just feel more *prepared*.So last week I felt much better about stopping the pill.

There are so many unknowns and everyone keeps telling me, “you’re never fully READY.”For me, I had to find a balace between the the worries and the excitement.They are both still there, but they are currently balanced.It doesn’t sound like you’ve changed your mind, it just sounds like you need a bit more time to prepare.I would imagine your DH would understand that.You can do it together and it will be fun and exciting and you’ll feel that much more confident when you do decide to go off the pill.Needing more time should NOT make you feel like you are letting him down!

If you want kids, you can always find reasons it won't be an ideal time. I'd say go for it now while you are still quite fertile. Trying and trying and trying...and failing...and failing...and failing...to get pregnant after you get over your fears will really stink.

With every year your fertility goes down because egg quality decreases among other reasons. Late twenties is the time. Everything else seems to take care of itself in every other family I know.

Hi Gizzmo, I've been thinking about your post and really wishing I had some insight. My husband and I are also in our late 20s and planning to TTC next year. I'm wondering why your husband is so upset at the thought of waiting a few more months. Is that really a big deal? Does he feel your worries are unfounded? Hopefully you two will be able to talk it out and figure out the best plan.I can't imagine it turning into an argument if I said I wanted to wait a few more months. That's what makes me think this has more to do with other issues, like his job situation. Maybe he truly doesn't feel there is anything to worry about? On the one hand, I think that sometimes women (including me!) try to plan too much and wait for everything to be perfect. On the other hand, sometimes it really is prudent to wait a few more months. Once you get pregnant, there is no turning back!

Buy yourself a couple of months with sponges or other temporary method which does not mess with hormones.Tell DH this is a time for you to have 2-3 months on prenatal vitamins, folic acid and such , and give you space enough to know you will be no more than 5-7 months pregnant during the Mid- May through July time that is the hottest of the year, a tough time to be in your last couple months. It may also get you past July 1 into a new benefits year with your employer so that if you have pregnancy issues (not thyroid related) that require you cut back to 30 hrs a week using vacation hours, with remaining time for extra rest and medical appts, you will be in a better place at work. None of these suggest rejection of what DH wants, only doing it in a timely way that will help you have a healthy pregnancy and good position at work re: time off, should you need it. So happy to hear you are past the thyroid cancer, and healthy. My aunt was diagnosed in 1989, had surgery, a newer (then ) more focused radiation, and just passed her 20 year mark in good health. Her oldest is just starting her junior year in college. May you have an equally trouble free , long life with DH and your own children!

I also don't understand what your husband is so worried about. I think waiting until he gets a job is not only reasonable, but should be required. Get him settled in a new job and then start TTC. You are young enough that you have this extra time.

But your DH needs to chill about waiting a few months and find himself a new job before he worries about becoming a daddy. Good luck.

Sorry, I missed in the OP that it was just a few months. I'd say it makes sense to wait that long, but don't let it turn into months and months and (seemingly "suddenly") years for a various string of reasons.

It's been a very long, tough week. I love my DH with all my heart, but he's so stubborn! (Not that that can't be said about me, as well.) It's not that he doesn't see the money issue as an issue, he just doesn't see it as big an issue as I do. We're going to talk more tonight because we're both just so frustrated with the whole situation. I've tried everything I possibly could to get him to see where I'm coming from.. What else do I do?

First: Glad to hear you're recovering well from your ordeal this past year.

Second: With your thyroid issues it will probably take you a little while to get pregnant. For me (hypothyroid) it took 5 months with everything else being healthy about me-getting my meds right. So in all reality it will probably take the few months you're looking for to get the BFP.

There never is enough money. The basic stuff is expensive-but you don't need a super expensive crib, you can buy second hand items (stroller, clothes etc.). And in all honesty-when it comes to toys my DS who is 9 mo old enjoys playing with the Solo plastic cups he found. And I've vowed not to buy him tons of toys-since its really paper and plastic cups he loves playing with (great sound makers).

To clarify: your DH has interviewed for a good job, and feels he will get it...what timeframe is he expecting? If he has to go to the restaurant job with the odd schedule-that may actually save you some decent money on childcare when you return back to work!

I truly believe there are several "freak out" stages of becoming a parent: the I'm off BC freak out (wholey crud, what are we about to get into???); the I just got a BFP ("wholey crud, I can't believe we did it, what are we about to get into, how am I going to make it the next 9 mo?"); The 4-7 mo freak out ("wholey crud, what are we about to get into, how am I going to make it the next X mo, am I going to be a horrible parent???"); And it continues until you see that little face looking up at you and you say "The baby is perfect, we'll all be just fine."

Talk to your DH about all of your fears, share how you are both on the same page with wanting a family. The concept is still probably a little vague to your DH, he hasn't had to change any part of his life to achieve your plans-you're the one taking on all the responsibility right now (stopping the pill, taking the vits, eating well, etc.). You're "I'm not totally ready" is totally normal, and probably a pretty good indicator that you're ready-you're thinking forward to the all the posibilities to ensure you take the best care of your family-a sign of a mother.

Deep inside this man is a little frightened boy - the small emotional part of everyone who has faced the possibility of losing someone they love, who may have held off emotional reactions to be strong. To himself, he has been saying, first we get through this, then we get through - so much time, then we go back to living normally and then everything really will be okay. Maybe he sees any delay as - does she know something I don't? Is it really not going to go away, this threat to our lives? Him brushing off the money thing- hey, that is probably 1 way he actually CAN see himself doing something that will bring on a normal life again. Providing for family is not something he sees as an obstacle, but his most constructive action, finally some control over life. I would say, if money is a concern, let him get the job. Lousy as the altered work schedule may be, most couples have a couple years of that kind of sacrifice to make things work. He too needs to feel he is moving forward again. A few months delay to build yourself up in strength, nutrition he could probably live with. If you say to him, first we beat the cancer. Now: your next step is to get us some money. My next step is 3 months (or some short time frame) seeing to pre-natal buildup, getting my body through a couple of monthly cycles not regulated by the pill. Then - in Jan. or some close goal date, you and I will be through your schedule change, I will physically be ready, then together we work on making a healthy baby. You have been through a horrible experience. But so has he. Maybe he needs this. If the job change would provide the income you need, maybe you need to let him do this to psychologically get himself into a place of normalcy and strength. Delaying more than a couple of months may be very damaging for him. He needs that inner security, to feel you two have a normal future coming and that he is actively doing the man thing to prepare for it - he is getting the extra income, you will do the body build-up and carry this new life. Set a goal, put up with the schedule change a while, and set a timeline that is short. Remember, wait 3 months, then it might happen quickly as you have been realizing. But then again it might take a year or 2 - a normal, natural thing. If that is the case, the worst of getting used to the schedule changes will happen long before the baby comes. If you delay a year or 2 without the job and schedule change, to save money, and then 2 years conceiving- that to him could seem a long, long time. Sometimes when both members of a couple work, having some overlap in home time, but also some days 1 works and the other doesn't, is not just an economy in child care costs. It also provides each of the parents with some time as the only one home with baby, which can be a strong bonding thing for many fathers.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts so far.. It's quite insightful! I've tried telling him "let's wait until after the final body scan in December and start fresh in January and use condoms until then and my cycle can regulate and I can build up the folic acid and get my body where it needs to be.." (which we moved up from January.. doctor doesn't suspect to find anything, just protocol) He's not keen on that because he says we can still get pregnant with the condom and we don't like them. I tell him that we haven't tried all that's out there and there's probably one we do like, but don't know it. I'm trying to get him to adhere to that plan, but no luck so far.

I'm sure the having a baby thing is his way of control again, a way to contribute to the marriage.. I say I could get pregnant right away, he says it might take you a while.. Both are true, but don't we have to be ready just in case it does happen quick?

Also, I don't know if it has any bearing at all, but I know that neither set of parents would be too pleased if we got pregnant with him out of a job. Especially, if he chooses to go back into restaurant management. His dad is in restaurant management and he was always working nights, weekends, and holidays when my DH and his sister were little..

I think what's really getting him is that we were both literally on the same page until I got off the pill and I realized things could happen. He doesn't understand why I changed my mind, doesn't think it'll go back to being on the same page for a while, and doesn't know why I'm so scared. I can't give him an answer for that.

Deep inside this man is a little frightened boy - the small emotional part of everyone who has faced the possibility of losing someone they love, who may have held off emotional reactions to be strong. To himself, he has been saying, first we get through this, then we get through - so much time, then we go back to living normally and then everything really will be okay. Maybe he sees any delay as - does she know something I don't? Is it really not going to go away, this threat to our lives? Him brushing off the money thing- hey, that is probably 1 way he actually CAN see himself doing something that will bring on a normal life again. Providing for family is not something he sees as an obstacle, but his most constructive action, finally some control over life. I would say, if money is a concern, let him get the job. Lousy as the altered work schedule may be, most couples have a couple years of that kind of sacrifice to make things work. He too needs to feel he is moving forward again. A few months delay to build yourself up in strength, nutrition he could probably live with. If you say to him, first we beat the cancer. Now: your next step is to get us some money. My next step is 3 months (or some short time frame) seeing to pre-natal buildup, getting my body through a couple of monthly cycles not regulated by the pill. Then - in Jan. or some close goal date, you and I will be through your schedule change, I will physically be ready, then together we work on making a healthy baby. You have been through a horrible experience. But so has he. Maybe he needs this. If the job change would provide the income you need, maybe you need to let him do this to psychologically get himself into a place of normalcy and strength. Delaying more than a couple of months may be very damaging for him. He needs that inner security, to feel you two have a normal future coming and that he is actively doing the man thing to prepare for it - he is getting the extra income, you will do the body build-up and carry this new life. Set a goal, put up with the schedule change a while, and set a timeline that is short. Remember, wait 3 months, then it might happen quickly as you have been realizing. But then again it might take a year or 2 - a normal, natural thing. If that is the case, the worst of getting used to the schedule changes will happen long before the baby comes. If you delay a year or 2 without the job and schedule change, to save money, and then 2 years conceiving- that to him could seem a long, long time. Sometimes when both members of a couple work, having some overlap in home time, but also some days 1 works and the other doesn't, is not just an economy in child care costs. It also provides each of the parents with some time as the only one home with baby, which can be a strong bonding thing for many fathers.

gizzmo- you sound like you are being VERY realistic. And you know, even though I have been trying for 2 years unsuccessfully with a ton of medical intervention, there are STILL times when I wonder if I am ready. So, I think it is fair not to have an expectation of feeling perfectly ready all the time but it is also a very good idea to get the job situation under control.

I think TTC and infertility (hopefully you will never know about this) can be very difficult and when you and your husband get on the same page, it will be more fun and exciting. (Sadly, my husband and I sometimes look forward to our appts because it is another time we can be together during the week).

If I have learned anything in this process, you can't think month to month and asking for a few extra months will NOT impact your fertility and hopefully will make you feel better about everything!

While it's true there is never enough money or a perfect time for a baby, I think you would have to be daft to TTC while your DH is out of a job. Especially in this economy. Super qualified people are not getting jobs that they should be getting. I don't see how waiting a few months to make sure he actually gets the job could harm anything. It's not like you are taking TTC entirely off the table or wanting to wait for years. It's a few months. Something else is eating him. You need to figure out why it bothers him so much b/c it sounds like it's about more than TTC. Good luck.