Assaults on the Casually Mundane by K. Jean King

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There are two kinds of men when it comes to mentioning the word “vasectomy”: those who immediately thrust a protective palm over their nether regions and those who have already had one.

If you are among the first population, it is possible that, as protective as you may be of your tender potency, you may be considering getting a vasectomy. Whatever reasons you may have, it is clear that the one thing more terrifying than having your manhood snipped is hearing those two awful words, “I’m late.”

You’ve already taken the first and most important step in the vasectomy trail – you’ve consulted your doctor. He’s explained the procedure to you and answered all of your terrified questions. You’ve read all the clinical pamphlets he sent home (you know, after covering all the disturbing procedure images with blank sticky notes). But can you be that guy? Can you walk around town, the office, a truck dealership, knowing you’re no longer potent?

Consider a woman’s perspective on the matter. (Besides, what is this procedure for if not the T&A?) Only a man would deride another man for shooting blanks. To a woman, a man with a vasectomy is a man who possess two inherent traits: confidence and dependability.

What is the most attractive trait in a potential mate? If you said high cheek bones, you are very close. But the real answer is confidence.

It isn’t as though women aren’t aware how important highly functional testicles are to their male counterparts, even if they disagree on principle. In order for a man to concede to a vasectomy, he has to pry himself away from the stigma that not ejaculating live sperm makes him less of a man. He has to be comfortable enough with his own masculinity to agree to this permanent change in potency. Women get that, and that amount of confidence in one’s own masculinity is attractive.

Traditionally, birth control has always been conceived as a responsibility of the woman. It was the woman who had to take her pill regularly. It was the woman who had to undergo invasive and debilitating surgery to deem a couple permanently barren. It was even the woman who had to ask “do you have a condom?” because when all the blood has been redirected south, you tend to not think of anything else.

In the 21st century women have a lot to do. There is a reason they’re not greeting you at the door with a cigar and a martini when you stroll in from work every night at five-thirty. Chances are she isn’t going to walk in the door for another half an hour. Or she’s taking someone to soccer practice, or boy scouts, or is getting the dog groomed.

In the 21st century, knights in shining armor don’t come with a horse and a lance – they come with a toilet brush and a fly swatter. Anything a man can do to make his female counterpart feel less burdened makes that man immensely sexier.

When a man takes the hard road and relents to a vasectomy, what he’s saying to his female partner is “I’ve got this.” It is showing her that she can rely on him to take care of things; never having to worry about a pill or a condom again is a huge load off. (Pun intended.) You’ve freed her from this particular prison of responsibility.

It’s all over the web: fit is the new skinny. In other words, being fit has replaced being skinny as the most desirable physical trait. Being fit now puts you at the height of sexual allure; being skinny just makes you skinny.

This shouldn’t be surprising. The cultural ideals about what makes sexual partners appealing change all the time. That is because it isn’t about what your body is, it’s about what your body says about you.

If you had been a skinny cave dweller, you would be last on Neanderthal Magazine’s Most Eligible Mate’s list. Instead of sexy, your fellow tribesman would say, “Do not choose skinny for mate – likely has parasite. Choose mate with six pack. Can outrun many mountain lion.” They walked around on their new bipedal legs saying, “Fit is the new standing upright.”

Then as time went on and society changed, so did the idea of what was considered sexually appealing. You get agriculture, you get civilization. You no longer need to wrestle bears to survive overnight.

You get money, and now money gets food. The more money you have the more food you can buy. And suddenly your BMI is directly proportionate to your gross annual income. If you are skinny it means you’re a poor-ass mo-fo who likely slops muck out of pigpens for a living. If you’re fat, you’re a banker. You’re a lawyer. You’re the duke of Montchestershire.

You. Are. Sexy.

Until food becomes mass produced. Now everyone has access to food. Now everyone is eating. And eating. And eating. Motherfucker, we can’t stop eating! Now everyone has extra junk in their trunks. Pot bellies are no longer reserved for the rich. (Is there nothing the poor isn’t taking from us!)

That is how skinny became sexy in the first place. For the first time in human history, the less child-bearing your hips were, the more attractive you became.

So why is fit the new skinny? In a culture where toned abs and thighs no longer suggest you can protect the pack from the routine Tiger attack, why has it become attractive again?

Fit is indicative of health. In lieu of chasing wild boars all day, one becomes fit by exercising regularly and maintaining a healthy diet. Fit translates to, “I’ve got my shit together.” Unlike skinny, which is the new assumed-anorexic or drug addict.

In this culture, fit has become sexy because it assumes you lack emotional problems, which is the least attractive quality you can have in 2013. If you’re fat it translates to “you have no self control,” and if you’re skinny it means “you have emotional issues.”

Eventually something will replace fit as the paradigm of sexual attractiveness. But until Cosmo runs the headline, “Bionic Is the New Fit,” it’s either therapy or taut thighs.