Relationship problems are another type of "stress" we all experience
from time to time. Conflicts can arise with our spouse, parents,
children, friends, co-workers, employees, bosses, or even with total
strangers.

As common as our relationship problems are, we often misunderstand
what causes them to occur. Much of the time they come from hidden
conversations and action patterns within us, not from the behavior or
attitudes of others. The problem is we often don't notice the role that
we play.

In addition, most people are confused about what it takes to create
happy, successful, long-term interpersonal relationships. This is
another hidden cause of our stress, which I will address in the second
half of this chapter.

How To Deal With Relationship Stress

The secret to dealing with any relationship problem is to use the six-step method outlined in Chapter 4:

How To Deal With Relationship Problems

Step 1: DEFINE YOUR PROBLEM(S) SPECIFICALLY--i.e. "My
husband never talks to me," "My boss hates my guts," "I can't
stand to be around X for more than two minutes," or "I'm in love
with Y, but he/she isn't interested in me."

Step 2: RELATE TO EACH OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
PROBLEMS AS FEEDBACK--i.e. assume you are partly the
cause of the problem.

Step 3: IDENTIFY THE SPECIFIC CONVERSATIONS AND
ACTION PATTERNS within you that are causing your
relationship problems to occur or persist.

EXAMPLE: Consider the case of Laura and Steve. Laura came to see
me because she was tired of her husband Steve's uncaring behavior.
The couple had been fighting about this problem for years, but no
matter how much Laura complained, Steve refused to give her the
type of attention and caring she wanted.

My first step in treating Laura was to help her define her problems
more specifically. This involved showing her that her problem could
be divided into two separate parts:

PROBLEM #1: "My husband doesn't care about me anymore."

PROBLEM #2: "My husband doesn't do certain things I want him to
do no matter how much I ask."

Next, I helped Laura view each of these problems as feedback. Instead
of assuming that Steve was the sole cause of these problems, I asked
her to consider that she might also be playing a role in bringing them
about.

From this new perspective, Laura was able to recognize some of the
conversations and action patterns within her that were contributing to
her difficulties. Regarding her first problem--"my husband doesn't care
about me anymore"--she eventually discovered that she was wrong
about this conclusion. Steve did care about Laura very deeply. He just
didn't show his love for her in the ways she expected. For Laura, there
was a right way and a wrong way to show a wife that you cared. Even
though Steve did many things that--from his perspective--showed that
he lover her, Laura couldn't appreciate these expressions because they
didn't fit her standards. She had formed a negative judgement about
Steve--i.e. "he doesn't care anymore"--which kept her from
recognizing the truth about his feelings.

As Laura began to deal with this internal conversation, she was able to
challenge and "disprove" the false "reality" it created within her. She
began to notice that Steve did express much love and concern for her,
and this helped her feel better about the future of their relationship.

With regard to her second complaint--"Steve doesn't do what I want
him to do no matter how much I ask"--Laura also found the feedback
perspective of value. By asking herself how she might be contributing
to this problem, she recognized the following issues, which had
previously escaped her attention:

a) By assuming Steve didn't care about her anymore, she repeatedly
interacted with him in a negative, resentful fashion. Given that Steve
could feel her blame and anger, why should he try to please her when
he knew she would never be satisfied?

b) Because Laura wanted Steve to behave in ways that were contrary
to his nature, she spent much of her time trying to make him into
someone different. This caused Steve to resist her even more.

c) Instead of praising and rewarding Steve for the few loving things he
did the way she wanted, Laura constantly put him down for not doing
these things more often. She noticed that her parents did the same to
her when she was young, and she remembered she didn't like it much
either.

d) Even though Steve found it difficult to give Laura what she wanted,
he was not incapable of making certain changes. By assuming he
would never come around, however, Laura stopped herself from
exploring other ways to ask for what she wanted--ways that might
work better for Steve and motivate him to want to do what she asked.

As Laura learned to free herself from each of these hidden patterns,
she began to feel more hopeful about her marriage. Steve noticed this
change in Laura too, and his own behavior began to improve
spontaneously.

NOTE: Had Steve come in for treatment, with or without Laura, I
would have used the same approach with him. I would have helped
him discover the ways in which he, not Laura, was causing their
marital problems to occur. Since each partner generally plays a role in
any relationship problem or conflict that occurs between them, both
can usually benefit from adopting a "feedback" perspective.

Many of us assume that our relationships should just work out by
virtue of our inherent goodness and kindness. Our thinking goes
something like this: "Human beings are naturally loving, caring,
committed individuals who only need to find the right kind of partner
to live happily ever after."

The truth about human relationships is often the opposite, however.
Most of us have been "programmed" to fail in our interpersonal
relationships, and if we follow our automatic tendencies, we will
destroy any union that matters to us.

To succeed in our relationships, therefore, we must learn to recognize
and deal with the hidden relationship-destroying patterns within us. Not only must
we know how to deal with these patterns in ourselves, but we must
also know how to deal with similar patterns in other people as well.

We have already discussed several of these patterns. Take the issue of
control, for instance. Much of our relationship stress comes from our
conscious and unconscious efforts to change or control other people.
We want others to behave in certain ways, and when we can't get
them to, we become angry and resentful. The more we try to change
them and fail, the more angry, frustrated, and depressed we are likely
to become.

We are also very critical and judgmental of other people. Internal
conversations such as GOOD/BAD, RIGHT/WRONG,
CAUSE/EFFECT, AND PERFECTIONISM commonly contribute to
our interpersonal problems.

NOTE: Many of our relationship-destroying patterns, such as
GOOD/BAD, RIGHT/WRONG, PERFECTIONISM, and CONTROL,
have positive benefits in our lives as well. As a physician, for
instance, I often must distinguish good from bad, and right from
wrong. I need to have a reasonable amount of perfectionism in caring
for others. And I often need to take control in difficult or life-
threatening situations. When I go home, however, and try to assert
these same "successful" patterns with my family, friends, or other
individuals, conflicts can occur.

Other Key Relationship-Destroying Patterns

In addition to the conversations and action patterns noted above,
there are four key patterns that are very destructive to our
relationships. If you learn to recognize and deal with these four
patterns, you will be able to prevent or eliminate much of the
relationship stress you experience.

________________

THE
BLAME
GAME
________________

Of all the relationship-destroying patterns that affect both men and
women, the most damaging is our tendency to blame someone or
something other than ourselves when relationship difficulties occur.
This pattern is hard to resist, since we can usually find many irritating
habits or behaviors in others that seem to be the cause of our
problems.

There are two good reasons you should refuse to play this game. The
first is that it keeps you from relating to your relationship problems
as "feedback." As we have already seen, there are many advantages to
adopting this "feedback" perspective, and you lose these advantages
when you blame things outside of yourself--even when some degree of
blame may seem justified.

The second reason you should refuse to play the blame game is that it
is based upon a false understanding of the nature of human
relationships. Relationships are not "things" that can be "good" or
"bad," "right" or "wrong," or "satisfying" or "unsatisfying" in and of
themselves. They are processes that evolve over time and whose
outcomes are determined by the behavior of their components. Any
"qualities" such as "good" or "bad" that we attribute to our
relationships, therefore, are not fixed or immutable characteristics--
they are temporary states that are always subject to change.

When we blame either our partner or our "relationship" as the source
of our dissatisfaction, we not only fail to acknowledge how we may
have contributed to our problems, but we also fail to see that we often
have the power to successfully resolve them.

EXAMPLE: Jean complained that her husband never talked to her
anymore, that he had little intimate contact with her, and that he
immersed himself in his work to "hide" from her. She repeatedly
maintained that her marriage had gone "sour," that there was no joy
or satisfaction to be derived from it, and that the only possible
solution was to seek a divorce. By blaming both her husband and her
relationship for being the source of her dissatisfaction, Jean placed
herself in the weakest possible position for dealing with her problems
successfully. Had she related to her husband's behavior as "feedback,"
and had she assumed that the poor quality of her relationship was in
part a by-product of her own unconscious attitudes and behaviors, she
could have explored many other options. She could have tried new
and creative ways of interacting with her husband that might have
made him more willing to recognize and address some of the problems
she knew existed.

The same could be said for Jean's husband as well. Surely he was aware
of the loss of affection and communication in the relationship, and he
could have taken the initiative to restore these ingredients too.
Instead, he was busy playing the blame game himself--secretly
criticizing and punishing his wife for the relationship's demise.

The blame game also causes problems is in our relationships with our
children. Parents are often frustrated and perplexed by behavioral or
emotional problems in their kids. They may even take one of their
children for therapy because they believe the child is primarily to
blame for such problems. For therapy with children to be successful,
however, parents must often be helped to stop playing the blame
game and adopt a "feedback" perspective. This can enable them to
identify their own role in causing their children's problems to occur or
persist, and by modifying their own behavior as parents the behavior
of their children will often improve as well.

________________

KICKING
YOUR
SEEING-EYE DOG
________________

Another relationship-destroying pattern I see in many couples is
KICKING YOUR SEEING EYE DOG. This pattern is based upon the
principle that opposites attract. Most of us become attracted to other
people not because they are similar to us, but because they possess
certain talents, skills, and qualities we lack. This is why outgoing
individuals often hook up with shy, introverted partners. It is also
why intellectually-oriented people tend to marry emotion-oriented
individuals, and why impatient people often end up with slow,
leisurely-paced mates.

If you think about your own romantic relationships, past and present,
you will probably notice that you and your spouse or lover differ in
many ways.

For example, my wife, Christina, and I differ from each other in the
following ways:

-One of us is more intellectually oriented, the other is more
sensation-emotion oriented.
-One is talkative and outgoing, the other quiet and reserved.
-One likes sports, the other hates sports.
-One likes camping, the other hates camping.
-One spends money very easily, the other is a frugal saver.
-One likes to watch TV, the other rarely watches TV.
-One likes to go to parties, the other finds excuses to avoid them.
-One likes the kitchen to be clean and neat, the other leaves it messy.
-One likes Apple computers, the other IBM.
-Etc.

When we "fall in love" with someone, we often hope that their
strengths and talents will become available to us, and that we can
contribute our strengths and abilities in return. If I am an undisciplined
spender, for example, it may be good for me to associate with
someone who saves (and vice versa). If I tend to be intellectually-
inclined, it might be good for me to have a partner who can remind
me of the emotional side of life (and vice versa).

Like a person who knows he or she is blind, we often hook up with
others who can function as "seeing-eye dogs" for us in life. When we
find someone who can fill this valuable role, we tend to marry them
to keep them around.

But then a very curious pattern emerges. This is the pattern I call
KICKING YOUR SEEING-EYE DOG. Often, it begins very slowly,
but eventually it becomes full-blown and threatens the survival of the
relationship.

KICKING YOUR SEEING-EYE DOG is the pattern whereby you try
to change or mold your partner into someone who thinks, feels, and
acts just like you. Instead of respecting and appreciating your partner's
differences, you begin to judge them negatively for being the way they
are. Instead of keeping yourself open to what their differences have
to offer you, you embark upon a foolish and futile project to change
them to be the way you like.

This very common pattern makes no sense at all. Indeed, if we were
aware of it, we would stop it very quickly. It's as though one day we
recognize we are "blind," so we go out and find a seeing-eye dog to be
our partner. Then, we bring the dog home and every time it tries to
pull us in a certain direction, we kick it for disturbing us. This is
exactly what we do to our spouses and other loved ones. No wonder
they resent us and claim, quite correctly, that we don't respect or
appreciate them.

________________

INVALIDATING
OTHERS'
OPINIONS AND
POINTS OF VIEW
________________

Another relationship-destroying pattern is INVALIDATING
OTHERS' OPINIONS AND POINTS OF VIEW. Most people who fail
to deal with this pattern have trouble maintaining successful
interpersonal relationships.

This pattern stems from our basic tendency to want to be right most of
the time. We want to be right about our thoughts and ideas. We want
to be right about our feelings, opinions, and ways of acting in life. We
want to be right about our theories, values, and moral standards. In
short, we want to be right about almost everything, and when we
actively pursue this goal, we can destroy our relationships in the
process.

You see, in order for you to be right, you must view other people's
thoughts, feelings, and opinions as wrong or invalid, especially when
they differ from yours. While proving yourself right may allow you to
feel temporarily satisfied, your partner often ends up feeling hurt and
resentful. These small hurts are not easily forgotten, and they will
often come back to you in subtle--and not so subtle--ways.

The secret to dealing with this hidden cause of stress is to: a)
recognize when this pattern has been triggered within you; b) resist
the temptation to act upon it; c) do the exact opposite--i.e. consider
that other people are "right" rather than "wrong" as much as possible.
While this may appear like a foolish thing to do, most people benefit
from creating this context.

NOTE: Choosing to view someone else as "right" does not mean
you must view yourself as "wrong" or invalidate your own opinions
and points of view. The purpose of this strategy is simply to
compensate for your automatic tendency to invalidate other people.
As I pointed out earlier, most people--including yourself--are right
about their point of view in one way or another. By consciously
creating the context WHEN I THINK SOMEONE IS WRONG,
THAT PERSON MAY BE RIGHT, you can compensate for your
tendency to overlook this possibility.

________________

FAILING TO BE
A BEGINNER
________________

Most people assume they know what it takes to succeed in
interpersonal relationships. They think that if they just find the right
partner, or if they feel strongly "in love" with another person, their
relationship will succeed and they will live happily ever after. This
common fallacy is another hidden cause of stress.

FAILING TO BE A BEGINNER is a pattern whereby we fail to admit
that we don't really know how to succeed in a particular area of life.
Instead of finding out what it really takes to succeed, we act like we
already know and there is no further need for us to study the matter.
Love and marriage are two big areas where this hidden pattern
repeatedly gets us into trouble.

For example, most people don't really know what it takes to have a
successful marriage (divorce statistics attest to this fact). Many
people assume that "love" is all they need to succeed. Aaron Beck,
one of the original pioneers of cognitive therapy, argues against this
popular belief in his 1988 book entitled Love Is Never Enough:

Although love is a powerful impetus for husbands and wives
to help and support each other, to make each other happy, and
to create a family, it does not in itself create the substance of
the relationship--the personal qualities and skills that are
crucial to sustain it and make it grow. Special personal
qualities are crucial for a happy relationship: commitment,
sensitivity, generosity, consideration, loyalty, responsibility,
trustworthiness. Mates need to cooperate, compromise, and
follow through with joint decisions. They have to be resilient,
accepting, and forgiving. They need to be tolerant of each
other's flaws, mistakes, and peculiarities. As these 'virtues' are
cultivated over a period of time, the marriage develops and
matures. (p. 4)

Beck also points out that we are rarely taught how to establish these
personal qualities and skills. In addition, many of the ideas we have
about them are also mistaken. Thus, no matter how many times our
relationships fail, we rarely question our own fundamental
understandings.

It is possible to learn how to create successful relationships. But in
order to obtain this wisdom, you must first admit you don't have it.
Then, you must seek out other people who can teach you to succeed.
Many excellent relationship coaches exist who could help you do this.
They are not hard to find, if you actively search for them. For
example, I suggest you read Beck's Love Is Never Enough (see Suggestions
For Further Reading). I also suggest that you study the next part of
this chapter very carefully. You will also find several other helpful
references in the Suggestions For Further Reading section.

Four Key Patterns That Cause Much
Of Our Relationship Stress

_____________________________________________

THE BLAME GAME

KICKING YOUR SEEING-EYE DOG

INVALIDATING OTHERS' OPINIONS AND POINTS OF VIEW

FAILING TO BE A BEGINNER

_____________________________________________

What Does It Take To Have Happy, Successful
Relationships?

Misunderstanding what is needed to create successful, long-term
relationships is another hidden cause of our stress. In the remainder of
this chapter, I will briefly discuss ten important ingredients for
creating successful relationships of all types.

We all have a purpose, or purposes, for each interpersonal
relationship we enter. These purposes may be either consciously or
unconsciously adopted. Some of them are relationship-enhancing.
Others, however, can be relationship-destroying.

Most of our automatic--that is unconsciously adopted--purposes tend
to be self-centered. These cause us to enter into relationships primarily
to get things from others--love, sex, happiness, pleasure, security,
prestige, or children--instead of making our relationships about
pleasing and supporting the other person. This is especially true for
marriage.

(Other self-centered purposes for getting married
include getting away from your parents, doing what
society expects you to do, avoiding the pain of
loneliness, having someone to take care of you, etc.)

The best purpose for marriage, or for any other long-term
relationship, is to forget about what you might get in return--although
this is still the ultimate motivation--and focus on what you can give to
the other person. Hans Selye described this as the "philosophy of
gratitude." According to Selye, the best purpose you can adopt is to be
of service to others, so much so that they are genuinely filled with
gratitude for having you in their life:

. . . to incite gratitude in others is perhaps the most natural
basis for a long-range aim of man. It can be hoarded
throughout life and accumulated into a tremendous wealth,
which more reliably than any other assures our security and
peace of mind in this world. . . . It can be pursued through
whatever talents one may have. . . It can be accumulated as
long as you live, and even your offspring will benefit by it. . .
And--best of all--this is one type of selfishness for which you
certainly need not dread censure: no one will blame you for
hoarding avariciously the gratitude of your fellow men. . . I
know of no other philosophy which necessarily transforms all
our egotistic impulses into altruism without curtailing any of
their self-protecting values. (The Stress Of Life, p. 290.)

I can personally vouch for the wisdom of this philosophy. Whenever
I enter into a relationship for the purpose of obtaining things from
others, the relationship quickly deteriorates. On the other hand, every
time my aim is to ensure the success, happiness, and well-being of
other people, the quality of their lives improves and so does mine.
Our relationships remains fresh, exciting, and mutually rewarding.
This holds true for relationships with spouses, friends, children,
parents, colleagues, co-workers, and even total strangers.

NOTE: Most relationship-enhancing purposes are not natural for
human beings. We are not "programmed" to adopt them, and we must
therefore create them through repeated conscious effort. Frequently I
find myself slipping back into my old, self-centered purposes. But the
moment I catch myself doing this, I immediately choose to become
other-directed.

COMMITMENT

The dreaded "C"-word today is commitment. For many people,
commitment means loss of freedom, obligatory suffering, fear of
making the wrong decision, fear of financial ruin, and many other
negative outcomes. While most people make (and break)
commitments all the time, few of us know what it means to live
committedly.

In order to have happy, successful relationships with other people,
you must understand the nature of human commitment. For example,
you must know that commitment has little to do with your thoughts,
feelings, desires, or opinions. It is not a mysterious force or ability,
such as "will power" or "self-discipline," which some people possess
and other people lack.

True commitment is a context we create to keep our promises
REGARDLESS OF OUR CIRCUMSTANCES. It is an unconditional
pledge to ourselves and to others to live our lives consistent with our
word. It is a decision--in advance--to always rise above our fleeting
thoughts, feelings, moods, and situations and to deal with any problem
or conflict in a way that enhances, rather than diminishes, the quality
of our relationships.

When problems occur during the course of our relationships, each of
us is triggered to respond in automatic ways. A key issue for all of us
is:

____________________________________________________________

ARE WE GOING TO REACT OUT OF OUR AUTOMATIC
PATTERNS, OR ARE WE GOING TO ACT FROM OUR
PURPOSES AND COMMITMENTS?
____________________________________________________________

Are we going to act on the basis of our triggered thoughts, feelings,
moods, or beliefs, or are we going to act in a manner that is consistent
with our word? This one ingredient often determines whether our
relationships succeed or fail.

Unfortunately, when most people commit themselves to other
people, they do so conditionally. What they really mean is: "I'll remain
true to my commitment as long as you remain true to yours, or as
long as I feel good about my promises, or as long as nothing better
comes along, or as long as we don't have any major conflicts or
difficulties." They know that if certain events occur, or if their
thoughts or feelings change--which they frequently do--they can go
back on their word.

The reason why commitment is so important for human beings is
because that's all there is, in essence, to our relationships. A
relationship is a process that flows from the promises--and only the
promises--of each individual. It does not flow from our thoughts,
feelings, needs, or desires, even though these are obviously important.

For example, two people can interact over time, but if they have no
implicit or explicit commitments to each other, they do not have a
relationship. Also, when the commitment of one or both members
dies, the relationship dies along with it, even if the people remain
together. This often occurs in marriages, when one or both spouses
struggle to preserve the outward semblances of togetherness even
though the heart of the relationship is no longer present. (Sometimes the relationship can be revived!)

As long as we make intelligent, sincere promises to other people, and
as long as we endeavor to honor these promises--NO MATTER
WHAT HAPPENS--our relationships usually flourish. When we make
foolish, naive, or insincere promises, however, or when we violate
either the letter or the spirit of our commitments, our relationships
tend to die because we destroy the very ground that gives them life.
Unfortunately, our society supports and condones such destructive
behavior. It exonerates people for breaking their word, especially if
they have any reasonable excuse for making such a decision. In truth,
most of these excuses are not really justified, except in extreme
situations such as repeated physical abuse, verbal abuse, or other
serious offenses.

Thus, to have happy, successful, long-term relationships, you must
conduct yourself in a manner that supports both you and other
people. This includes, but is not limited to, the following types of
promises:

Successful Interpersonal Relationships

To promote the health, well-being, personal growth and
success of your partner

To communicate openly and honestly

To let your partner know if something important is bothering you

To deal with any problems or conflicts in a way that
both you and your partner feel satisfied

To always keep your word or immediately atone
for any slips you make

To do whatever it takes to preserve the quality and
integrity of the relationship, regardless of whether
this is comfortable or easy for you to do

For example, people who avoid dealing with the "little" hurts,
disappointments, and minor broken promises in their relationships
often suffer as time goes on. Not dealing with such "little" problems is
equivalent to intentionally ignoring the early signs of cancer. Your
interpersonal problems will continue to multiply, until one day you
notice that your relationship is "terminal."

People who make and keep the promises listed above often have a
minimum of stress and dissatisfaction in their interpersonal
relationships. On the other hand, people who are reluctant to make
such commitments, or who try to get around living up to them, often
find that their relationships fall apart.

ACCEPTANCE

Another component for successful relationships is accepting other
people exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. When we form
a relationship with another individual, we should honor and respect
that person exactly as they are, including all their faults and
weaknesses. Since each person is a composite of positive and negative
features, we must accept all of our partner's attributes, even the ones
we don't like.

True acceptance of this kind is not a passive act. It is a positive gift
that you give to other people. In fact, you could say that love, which
we normally assume to be a feeling or emotion, is the natural
consequence of such generous acts of acceptance. When you accept
other people exactly as they are, they feel love both from you and for
you. Because you grant them the freedom to be the way they are, they
feel nurtured and secure whenever they are in your presence.

EXAMPLE: When Christina and I married in 1984, we composed our
own vows for our wedding ceremony. Notice how the first of these
vows embodies this principle of acceptance:

WEDDING VOWS--MORT ORMAN AND CHRISTINA
CHAMBREAU, JUNE 10, 1984:

-I promise to love you just the way you are.
-I pledge to share my life with you, to honor and trust you,
and to always be faithful to you.
-I know that the experience of loving you can be mine whenever
I choose.
-And I will not hold you responsible for my own happiness and
contentment.
-I will cherish you, love you, and be truthful to you through
all the changes and miracles in our lives.

When you don't accept people exactly as they are--i.e. when you set
out to change them, improve them, criticize them, or make them
into someone different--they stop feeling loved and appreciated by
you.

NOTE: Most of us have trouble accepting others as they are because
we mistakenly believe that our happiness and success are dependent
upon others. If you are highly dependent upon someone for your
happiness and success, you will strive to change or control that person
as much as possible. This will eventually produce feelings of hostility
and resentment in the other person, not to mention feelings of
frustration, disappointment, and resentment within you.

TRUST

Trust, like commitment, is another essential ingredient for successful
interpersonal relationships. Since our relationships are products of our
promises and commitments, it is mandatory that our partners trust
our basic integrity. It is also essential that we conduct ourselves in a
trustworthy manner, and that we demand the same from anyone who
wants to have a relationship with us.

____________________________________________________________

LITTLE "WHITE" LIES AND OTHER MINOR TRANSGRESSIONS
ARE MAJOR SOURCES OF DISTRUST IN OUR INTERPERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
____________________________________________________________

Many people believe that they can get away with minor
transgressions, as long as the immediate consequences are not terribly
serious. Trust, however, can easily be destroyed by such minor
transgressions.

Since I am dependent upon you to keep the major promises of our
relationship, I am going to have doubts that you will come through
when times are tough. If you break your word to me on some minor
occasion, why shouldn't I assume you might do the same on more
important issues? You may think no harm results from breaking little
promises, but my trust in you--not to mention your own trust in
yourself--will always be diminished.

Similarly, the way you can rebuild trust in a relationship, once you
have damaged that trust, is to demonstrate that you can be counted on
to keep your word--NO MATTER WHAT! Never make a promise
you know you aren't going to keep, and keep every promise you make
or promptly acknowledge when you fail to do so. (It is also important to communicate to others as
soon as you discover you might not be able to keep a
promise you made.) This will tell the
other person that you are sincere about having integrity and will go a
long way toward restoring their faith and trust in you.

NOTE: Some people assume that trust should be granted to them,
regardless of their past behavior. This may be reasonable at the
beginning of a relationship, but once you have damaged that trust,
only a fool would give it back to you. You must work to earn back the
other person's trust by demonstrating that you are now, and intend to
remain, a trustworthy individual. Prior to establishing this, you don't
really deserve to be trusted.

COMMUNICATION

Everyone knows that successful relationships require good
communication. What most people don't know, however, is what
separates good communication from poor communication or from
verbal or non-verbal interactions that are either inconsequential or
destructive.

Good communication is not merely the sharing of experiences,
thoughts, or feelings. To create successful, long-term relationships
you need to communicate in a way that is purposeful, powerful, and
meaningful to other people.

By purposeful, I mean your communications should always be consistent
with the purposes and promises of your relationship. If you say that
your purpose is to please and empower your partner, both your
communications and your actions should attest to this fact. If you say
you will love, honor, and cherish your partner exactly as they are and
exactly as they are not, your communications and interactions should
reflect this commitment.

By powerful, I mean your communications and interactions should be
effective. This means they should regularly produce your desired
result. If you are angry with your partner, or if you encounter any
type of problem that detracts from your sense of love and admiration,
you should be determined to communicate until that problem is
resolved. Whatever type of interaction might be required, you must
not rest until the result has been produced. This is the type of
purposeful, powerful communication that is needed to succeed in long-
term relationships.

And last, to be effective your communications must be meaningful to
the other person. It doesn't really matter what you think or how you
feel about the things you say or do. The only thing that matters is
how others are affected by them.

Two people never experience the same event or reality in exactly the
same way. Each has his or her own "internal reality" about whatever
may have happened, and these internal realities must always be taken
into account.

______________________________________________________

THE SECRET TO GOOD COMMUNICATION IS TO HONOR AND
RESPECT THE INTERNAL "REALITIES" OF OTHERS.
______________________________________________________

Remember, the realities you perceive or think you have
communicated will often have very little correspondence to the
"realities" that appear within others.

NEGOTIATION

Marriage and other relationships are ongoing series of negotiations.
Obviously, many minor differences and conflicts must be worked out.
Requests must frequently be made of each other, and the option to
decline or renegotiate certain requests must occasionally be exercised.

The following rules and guidelines for negotiating often contribute to
successful interpersonal relationships:

Guidelines For Successful Negotiations

Each person should be free to request what they
want or need from the other person

Each person should be free to decline any request
that they can't responsibly honor

Any conflicts or differences of opinions should be
resolved in a win-win manner (no one should be forced
to capitulate to any agreement).

Each person should be committed to what works for the
relationship (as opposed to what works for them, what
they personally want, or what would make them happy or
comfortable.)

SURRENDER

Another key ingredient for successful interpersonal relationships is
surrender. This is not the type of surrender where you are forced to do
something someone else wants. It is a voluntary type of surrender
whereby you willfully give up control to someone other than yourself.

One form of such surrender is choosing to go along with the thoughts,
ideas, and opinions of your partner. This involves voluntarily giving
up two of your most cherished desires:

a) Your desire to be right;

b) Your desire to be in control (i.e. to have things your way).

Another form of voluntary surrender is allowing others to function as
"seeing-eye" dogs for you. Each of us has gaps in our knowledge,
skills, and abilities in life. When we recognize such "blind spots," the
wisest thing we can do is surrender ourselves to the guidance of
another. Let your partner (or a coach) be your guide in these areas.
Let them do the seeing and thinking for you, since you will only get
yourself into trouble if you try to do these yourself.

Remember, one of the major benefits of forming intimate
relationships with other people comes from sharing your weaknesses
and blind spots with them. This is one way you can compensate for
some of the limitations and drawbacks of your ingrained, automatic
tendencies.

Another type of voluntary surrender involves the promises and
purposes of your relationships. Once you make these promises--
provided they are well-designed--forget about ever going back on
them. Close any door that might provide you with an escape. In other
words, voluntarily surrender to your own promises and commitments,
and then live as though your life depended on them. It might!

Also, when you create an equal partnership with another person, you
must give up certain "rights" to do things as you please. You can no
longer function as a separate, unattached individual since your choices
and actions will affect the other person. Therefore, in order to
succeed in your relationships, you must give up wanting to be right,
wanting to have your own way, wanting your partner to think and feel
exactly as you do, and many other desires.

____________________________________________________

YOU SHOULD VOLUNTARILY SURRENDER THESE RIGHTS,
NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD OR IMMORAL, BUT
BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY DON'T WORK IF YOU WANT
A HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP.
____________________________________________________

FORGIVENESS

We discussed the nature of forgiveness in the preceding chapter. With
regard to our long-term, interpersonal relationships, forgiveness takes
on an even larger role. Not only must we forgive our friends, lovers,
and partners for what they may have done in the past, but we must
also forgive them--in advance--for the fact that they will probably do
similar things again in the future.

Biolinguistic organisms (i.e. human beings) cannot easily change or
control their automatic programming. When you form a long-term
relationship with another person, it's important to remember this.
Even though the other person may truly want to change or improve
certain behaviors, the chances are good that he or she will continue to
respond automatically. Thus, you will need to be forgiving and
understanding when such slips occur.

RESPONSIBILITY

Responsibility is also a major cornerstone of successful, long-term
relationships. As we have already seen, true responsibility means
neither credit, nor blame. It is a stance we take to personally take
charge of our lives and to always acknowledge the role we--as well as
others--play in the problems and conflicts we experience.

One of the central problems in all of our relationships is how we
respond when things don't go as we want. Do we blame other people,
outside influences, or our relationship itself whenever we experience a
lack of satisfaction? Or do we view such problems as signals that we
need to learn and grow ourselves? Are we going to try to change or
control our partner in order to be happy, or are we going to recognize
that our own happiness comes primarily from the contexts and
commitments we generate--or fail to generate--within ourselves?

Unfortunately, many forces in society encourage us to adopt a
victim's role. These forces tell us that we are not responsible for our
problems and that we do not have the power to generate our own
satisfaction and happiness. This widespread trend toward
"victimization" in our society is another prominent myth that
produces much unnecessary stress and suffering.

SUPPORT

The last ingredient to be considered is support. This is related to
Selye's "philosophy of gratitude." If you make your relationships
about supporting other people, you will find this strategy reaps
dividends beyond your wildest imagination. If you are committed to
helping others achieve their personal goals and ambitions, they will
feel indebted to you and will often repay you in kind. Even if they
don't, you can still get pleasure from contributing to their well-being,
while finding the support and encouragement you need elsewhere.

One problem with this strategy is that some people are good at
"giving" love, support, acknowledgement, etc., while others are
inclined to be "takers." Such givers and takers often end up together.
This is because for a giver to give--and feel personally fulfilled--he or
she must find someone who takes, and vice versa. Stress can result,
however, when givers make the mistake of expecting their giving to
be reciprocated. Instead of enjoying the pleasure of supporting their
partners, they become angry and resentful when little is given to them
in return. It is not so much the inequity that causes them to be
resentful, but rather it is their unconscious expectation that the other
person should return their generosity in kind, even though they are
not programmed to function in this way.

In addition, most of us--whether we are givers or takers--are often
reluctant to accept support from others. This is another unrecognized
cause of relationship stress which must be overcome if we want to be
successful.

In addition to the issues already discussed, I will briefly address three
other topics that have a bearing on stress in our relationships. The
first of these is how to deal with anger or criticism when it is directed
at you by others.

The secret to dealing with this common situation is to use the
technique of Flipping To The Opposite Reality (see Chapter 6 and
Appendix B). The best way to deal with anger or criticism from
others is to:

_______________________________________

TRY TO AGREE WITH THE ACCUSATIONS
OTHER PEOPLE MAKE ABOUT YOU.
_______________________________________

Instead of defending yourself or counter-attacking, assume there may
be something you can agree with regarding the accusations or
criticisms of others.

TIP: I am not suggesting that you should ALWAYS agree with the
accusations of others--especially if such accusations are totally
incorrect--nor am I suggesting that you VERBALLY agree out loud
with the other person. What I am suggesting is that you
INTERNALLY take the point of view that the other person may
indeed be "right" rather than "wrong" in one way or another. (The validity of other people's criticisms and
accusations may not be apparent at first glance. If
you look at these accusations honestly, however, you
will often discover that they do have some merit.)

The rationale for using this technique is explained in Appendix B
(Flipping To The Opposite Reality). In short, no matter how things
initially appear to you in terms of right and wrong, you can "flip" to
the opposite reality and assume it is true as well. In other words, there
must be something you said or did (or didn't say or didn't do) that
irritated the other person. People rarely accuse you or criticize you
without provocation. Even if you didn't do what you were accused of
doing, the fact that someone chose to verbally assault you often
means they are angry with you about something else. Thus, even if
you are certain that you didn't do anything wrong, it is worth
considering that the opposite may be true.

NOTE: If you have trouble following this argument, or if it appears
to you that I am encouraging you to tell a "lie" or agree with
something that isn't really true, consider coming back to this section
after you have studied Appendix B.

Benjamin Franklin once said "the sting of any criticism comes from
the truth it contains." It may be difficult for us to appreciate these
truths, however, because of the harsh, critical manner in which they
are usually been communicated. We are all guilty of sins and omissions
that escape our conscious detection. We can be mean, insensitive,
inconsiderate, arrogant, insulting, demeaning, unforgiving, or
inhospitable in many ways that we aren't consciously aware of. But
these behaviors are often very obvious to others, especially when
they feel hurt or offended by our words or deeds. This is why we
should always assume that others are "right" rather than "wrong"
when they criticize or accuse us. By agreeing with their accusations,
WE PLACE OURSELVES IN THE BEST POSSIBLE POSITION TO
RECOGNIZE THE TRUTHS THEY CONTAIN.

Another benefit of this approach is that other people's anger toward
you will quickly disappear the moment you stop defending yourself
and agree with their accusations. People will feel you have listened to
them, heard them, and that you acknowledge the validity of their
observations and points of view. They will respect you for admitting
that you may have been wrong--even if you weren't--and they will be
grateful you didn't respond defensively. Thus, even when you can't
understand how another person's accusations may be true, it is almost
always a good idea to make this assumption.

Several points are worth noting about this advice:

1. Everyone likes to criticize. It's our way of trying to make the world
a better place to live. So don't be shocked or offended when someone
decides to criticize you. While it may feel like they are trying to hurt
you, they may actually be operating with good intentions.

2. Don't take criticism personally. When someone criticizes you or is
angry with you, try to focus on what you did or didn't do and ignore
any
generalizations or personality attacks that also come along. People
can sometimes be very vicious and insensitive when they are angry. If
you put their viciousness aside, you can still benefit greatly from the
feedback they are providing you.

3. If you don't understand the legitimacy of the other person's anger
or
criticism, ask them to help you better understand their point of view.
As long as you are interested in what you can learn from other
people's negative comments (instead of arguing against them), they
will usually be willing to explain things in more detail.

How To Deal With Distrust In Your Interpersonal
Relationships

Earlier, I talked about the importance of being trustworthy. But what
should you do when other people break their word to you and your
trust in them is diminished? My first piece of advice is try to prevent
this problem from occurring whenever you can. When I form a
relationship with someone who is important to me, I will often let
that person know that my word is very important to me and that I
expect them to honor theirs as well. When people know you'll be
watching them very carefully, they often think twice about breaking
their word.

My second piece of advice is whenever such a problem does occur,
don't let it go by. I will generally confront an individual the first time--
and any other time--a major or minor promise is broken. I don't let
such violations go by, even though they may be minor and even
though it may be uncomfortable for me to address them. The
consequences of ignoring such minor transgressions, especially with
regard to trust in your relationships, can often be enormous.

Similarly, when people repeatedly fail to keep their word with me or
are reluctant to acknowledge such failures as a problem, I either don't
get into relationships with them, or I will terminate one if it is already
in progress. Would you board an airplane if you saw it only had one
wing? Would you try to drive a car, if you noticed it had a defective
tire? Why then would you try to have a relationship with someone if
you knew he or she lacked the intention to keep their promises?
Relationships depend upon trust in the same way airplanes depend
upon wings and automobiles depend upon tires. Stress is an inevitable
outcome whenever you try to conduct a meaningful relationship when
this essential ingredient is missing.

NOTE: This is one good example of where you WOULDN'T want
to use the technique of "Flipping To The Opposite Reality." If you
know someone is dishonest or untrustworthy, don't switch to the
opposite reality and assume you can count upon this individual.
Remember, "Flipping To The Opposite Reality" is merely a technique
you can use to "see" certain options or alternative interpretations
that are not immediately apparent to you. Sometimes you can benefit
from these opposite "realities," while at other times you may
recognize that it would be imprudent to follow them.

Also, it is important to understand that human beings operate on the
basis of two very different types of promises--explicit and implicit
ones. People will not only hold you accountable for the promises you
verbally make (explicit promises), but they will also hold you to
promises they assume you have made or they expect from you
(implicit promises). Most of us understand that when we violate our
explicit promises, distrust will be created. But when we violate an
implicit promise, whether or not we agreed to abide by it, our trustworthiness
will also be reduced in the eyes of other people. Often, you may not
know or suspect that you have violated such implicit promises.

This is why FAILING TO CLARIFY YOUR AGREEMENTS AND
EXPECTATIONS is a stress-producing pattern. It's important to
recognize your own and others' unspoken expectations and get them
out on the table. Only then can you be responsible for accepting or
rejecting them and for knowing the types of standards your behavior
will be judged upon.

Defeating your relationship-destroying patterns is best accomplished
as a team. While both parties in the relationship have their own
stress-producing patterns, each can team up with the other to prevent
their own internal patterns from becoming destructive. In fact, when
you and your partner know and accept each other's relationship-
destroying tendencies, these patterns can even become a great source
of fun and satisfaction in the relationship. Since you can't change
them or eliminate them anyway, you might as well accept them, have
fun with them, and include them as part of your relationship. (I am not talking about "acceptance" in the
pessimistic sense, such as hopelessness or
resignation, but rather as a necessary first step in
learning how to deal with such patterns more
effectively.) Share
them openly with your friends, associates, lovers, and other
companions. Find out what their secret relationship-destroying
patterns are, and ask them to support you in dealing with your own.
You can also offer to do the same for them in return. Once you make
such a pact, you can then play a game to see who can give up their
destructive behavior patterns first whenever a problem or conflict
arise. The one who gets free first can then try to support the other.

When a friend, lover, or associate agrees to play this game with you,
you will have an invaluable ally in your fight against your own
relationship-destroying patterns. When both people in a relationship
share this basic commitment, the relationship can be strengthened,
not pulled apart, by any difficulties that arise.

Where To Go From Here

We have briefly examined some of the hidden patterns and issues that
contribute to stress in our relationships. If you agree that these issues
are important, I encourage you to continue exploring them on your
own (see Suggestions For Further Reading).

Remember, whenever you are faced with a difficult relationship
problem, you can return to this chapter and review its contents.
Refreshing your memory may be all you need to get yourself focused
in a more useful direction.

If you can't seem to resolve a difficult relationship problem by
following the step-by-step method outlined in this book, consider
getting coaching. This may help you to identify other hidden causes
or other potential solutions that may not be apparent to you.

DAY 10: EXERCISES

1. Think of a time when you were either angry or frustrated. Which of the following
contexts might have been helpful to you in that situation?:

Negative conversations about myself are rarely true.

Negative conversations about life are rarely true.

Negative conversations about other people are rarely true.

2. What is your understanding of the following context: "The best way to get love is to
give love"?:

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

3. What is your understanding of the following statement: "A relationship is what
happens between two people who are waiting for something better to come along"?:

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

4. To what extent do the following patterns occur for you in your relationships
with others?