Pocket Tazers!

This is a discussion on Pocket Tazers! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I have read this somewhere before but it re-surfaced and is so funny that I thought I would post it here for all to read ...

Pocket Tazers!

I have read this somewhere before but it re-surfaced and is so funny that I thought I would post it here for all to read again and for the ones who havent read it yet this will make your laughter quota for the day for sure, I promise.

POCKET TAZER this is to funny... LOL...

Pocket Tazer, a gift for the wife for her protection.

This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully bought his lovely wife a "pocket tazer" for their anniversary. (Don't be drinking liquids when you read this, I'm warning you.)

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

Awesome!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.
_________________

I got a stun gun in a grab bag of electronic stuff I bought way back when they first began to show up in 90. I promptly figured out that it was in there because it didn't work. After about 20 minutes of tinkering I found a bad solder joint on the board and had it working. (remember I had just turned 16 at the time) This thing was huge. It was easily the size of a 4d cell mag-lite. I don't know how it would measure up to more modern ones but I do know it worked. It also took a whopping 8 aa batteries.

Fast forward a few months, to me and a buddy of mine sitting in my first car in my parents driveway listening to the newly installed stereo, and dreaming of the open road. Anthony spotted the but of the stun gun sticking out from under the seat, and picked it up. Of course being a teen himself promptly decided to play with it. When he wondered aloud whether it would light up the dome light, I promptly set out to prove it would not. I turned it on (came with an on/off switch only, in other words if you hit the switch it was on until you turned it off) and stuck it up against the dome light.
I quickly learned that that chrome strip around the handle just in front of the grip isn't just for show...
It seems that on that model at least it was a ground of sorts to prevent someone from taking it away from you. I know this because my thumb was resting on it. If you recall car bodies and seat frames are all conductive. I got it trhough my right arm and my left but cheek. YEOOOWWCH!!!

Anthony nearly got it in the lap when it flew out of my hand. Fortunately for him (and his children) it bounced off the seat and landed in the floor.

The only time I have had a more painful shock was when I got 480vac through the chest a few years back. (for those of you that remember the post, yes that does include the lightning incident.)

I saw the title to your thread, and immediatly got the mental image of that taser going off in a pocket, and some poor slob flopping around on the ground! Think that was brought about by the "pocket" aspect.