Presidential Harrisment: Obama Polls Poorly with Fanatics

In early March, Harris Interactive conducted an on-line survey to gauge the attitudes of Americans toward President Barack Obama. The Harris Poll generated some fascinating data. For example, 40 percent of those polled believe Obama is a socialist. (He’s not—ask any socialist.) Thirty-two percent believe he is a Muslim. (I had predicted that a Mormon, Jew, Wiccan, atheist and Quetzalcoatl worshipper would become president before America elected a Muslim, so a third of this country actually may be quite open-minded, in an obtuse way.) Also, 14 percent believe that Obama may be the Antichrist. Of those who identified themselves as Republicans, 24 percent think Obama might be.

Scientific polling may include multiple questions designed to measure the internal consistency of the responses of those being surveyed. To measure the consistency of the responses of those who think Obama might be the Antichrist, we have prepared an extension of the poll.

Please answer the following questions “yes” or “no”:

Do you consider your belief that Obama only might be the Antichrist to be a sign
of your open-mindedness and scientific outlook?

Have you ever called a local TV news office because you saw an image of a major religious figure in (a) a piece of toast, (b) tree bark or (c) a Sheetrock water stain?

Were you surprised that the president might be the Antichrist because, according to the movie The Omen III, the U.S. ambassador to England should be the Antichrist?

Do you think Earth is only 6,000 years old?

Have you had the fillings of your teeth removed to rid your person of the tracking devices placed by the government?

This poll also found that 22 percent of Republicans think that Obama “wants the terrorists to win.” We assume most of those 22 percent who think that Obama “wants the terrorists to win” are among the 24 percent who think that Obama may be the Antichrist. Therefore, a small percentage of Republicans who think that Obama may be the Antichrist also think that Obama wants the terrorists to lose. If that group includes you, please rate the following three statements from 1 to 5 (1 is “strongly disagree,” and 5 is “strongly agree”):

The Antichrist wants us to beat the terrorists so he can take credit for it, thereby making it easier for him to accomplish his ultimate nefarious goal.

The Antichrist considers himself to be in competition with the terrorists because they do not recognize his authority on matters of all things evil.

The Antichrist would root against terrorists because it is just like him to be tricky like that.

Please rate the following 10 statements from 1 to 5 (using above scale):

Obama is not the first person I have suspected of being the Antichrist.

I was pretty sure that Bill Clinton was the Antichrist.

As Pat Robertson noted, the Haiti earthquake was the direct result of Haitians making a pact with Satan more than 200 years ago.

Pat Robertson is wrong about the Haiti earthquake, because earthquakes are caused by living people behaving immorally.

Hurricanes are also caused by people behaving immorally.

Volcanic eruptions are also caused by people behaving immorally.

But climate change is a hoax.

I saw Sarah Good with the Devil!

I saw Goody Osburn with the Devil!

I saw Bridget Bishop with the Devil!

Thank you for participating in this poll. Some respondents may feel this survey is another example of leftist political bias. In fact, these questions and statements are designed not to find out whether an individual has a specific political viewpoint but rather to determine whether the respondent is a minor, middling or major crank. The results are crucial for the proper stocking of personnel and resources of the FEMA internment camps. Again, thank you—and don’t forget to mail in your census form.