RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Friday, September 15

25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Chelsea F.C.

(just a skinhead hooligan Chelsea supporter throwing

up a Sieg Heil while holding up a kid giving the middle finger)

[25-Man Metaphysical
Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players
who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100
non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted
towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a
team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical
sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the
highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak
English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And
yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate
myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man
Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

It is appropriate that Chelsea is owned by a
Russian oligarch, because I think of the football club similarly to how I think
of Russia, or the Soviet Union. They are obviously an imperial force (Chelsea
in football, Soviet Union/Russia in history), and I am obviously against all
imperial forces and hate all forms of imperialism with a contrarian’s blind
passion (or as passionate as a jaded bearded fortysomething fucker can still
be). But for whatever reason I don’t really directly care or feel effected by
Chelsea (or Soviet Union), so I’m not an active hater of them, like I would be
for Manchester United or United States of Amerikkka. Those forms of imperialism
are obvious and in my face.

This means I don’t care to wish all forms of
failure upon Chelsea, but much like the Soviet Union’s Afghani quagmire, when
Chelsea fucks up and finishes outside the continental-qualifying top seven,
like they did two seasons ago, I take great joy in that. It’s fun to see
imperial forces fail, even if their relative failure still puts them four spots
above your relative favorite’s normal. (Although we had great fun two seasons
ago, didn’t we, imagining “what if Chelsea get relegated? what if???? But they
did not, although failure to qualify for Champions or Europa league is the Big
6 version of relegation, at least for now.)

The Chelsea life cycle during these last 100
matches as is the basis for metaphysics here is pretty simple – Jose Mourinho
was on the downward “let me burn out everybody” cycle of Jose management
lifespan, and Chelsea finished 10th, which meant he got shit-canned early on
during that season. Antonio Conte came in as the eventual replacement and took
mostly the same batch of players with a couple of key upgrades, and combined
that with lack of continental competition to keep a fresh and fit squad at the
top of the table for an EPL title last season. But the alleged personnel
changes that were going to definitely happen – both coming and going – didn’t
necessarily happen, so for now (until December) Conte has what he has. Of
course, they sit in 3rd right now, and powered through their first Champions
League match to boot (albeit against a lowly Azerbaijani outfit), so it’s hard
to bemoan Chelsea life right now. Of course, they are an imperial force in
football, so all of this is expected of them, and even though I don’t actively
hate them, I hope it all falls apart in horrible and comedic fashion. But here
are the 25-men who played the heaviest metaphysical role for the club’s past
100 matches…

#1: Cesar
Azpilicueta – Spaniard vice-captain and anchor of defense has survived
multiple management regimes at Stamford Bridge, and it’s easy to see why, as
Mourinho to Conte has been questioned (for some fucking reason) going into the
early stages of this season, despite them being in 3rd and having crushed weak
ass team in first Champions League match. It seems very much like EPL is
determined to keep up pattern of having defending champion managers get sacked
the following season. But in recent weeks, Azpilicueta has been the vocalist on
the squad, offering words of support and encouragement for Conte, that the
board room hasn’t necessarily seemed to echo in their own actions. Some people
will classify such a player as natural born leader, but there’s something more
to it than that… an ability to politically navigate all the fucked up
situations football is bound to deliver inevitably, and come out not looking
like an asshole. It’s hard to do in an industry overflowing with asshole (due
to how they’re manufactured). But Azpilicueta has somehow done it, and seems
attached to Conte right now, just as he did to Mourinho before, and Guus Hiddink in the interim
between the two. Some players are political cockroaches, and survive it all,
and they usually end up vice-captain.

#2: Thibaut
Courtois – Belgian GK and soulless android.

#3: Gary
Cahill – Okay, maybe Cahill at center back is the true anchor of the
defense, as he’s also the captain (and also English as fuck, which means he
“speaks the language” or “the fans relate to him” or whatever coded racialism
talk is used to justify him as more the main man than Azpilicueta, whose name
sounds a little too revolutionary, a little too anti-Brexity to truly be the
anchor of a club supported by the notorious shitbags Chelsea is supported by.

#4: Diego
Costa – Some guys just look like an asshole, and most folks understand
this, though they’re delegation of assholery may be based on nationalistic
biases and racial under currents. I’ve worked to try and rid myself of as much
of these biases as possible, so very few men still cross that threshold of just
naturally looking like an asshole at the pure and unexplainable universal
sense. Diego Costa is one such man. Every atom spins with the energy of
self-importance and conniving heart. It was no shock that Conte wanted nothing
more to do with the man, as Conte comes from Italy – land of many spirited
assholes, where the natural inclination of asshole somehow has transformed into
almost lovable malcontent. Conte, I am sure, knows the difference between
regular run-of-the-mill asshole and absolute universal asshole. But of course,
in true asshole ways, Costa was unaffordable and/or unwanted by all potential
suitors in the transfer window, so he has been resigned to sitting in the
stands duty until his self-value decreases enough or some other club becomes
more desperate to move away from London in January.

#5: Eden
Hazard – Another Belgian, and Hazard is weird, because he can be an
enjoyable player to watch, but there’s something that sterilizes the experience
of him away for me. I don’t know what it is, but I just never transition from
barely enjoyable to actual excitement.

#6: N’Golo
Kante – (previously #14 for Leicester
City on 15-Apr-2017) I’m a Kante mark, because I strongly believe that
African defensive midfielder is one of the main metaphysical keys to successful
football club. Granted, Kante grew up in France, but was born to Malian
immigrant parents, and fuck if any nation on this Earth has been a colonizing
force of fuckedness, it’s France. Frantz Fanon wrote The Wretched of the Earth
specifically about them, for fuck’s sake. Nonetheless, full geographically
based African or not, Kante had Malian national team eligibility until France
finally called him up last year, and it supports my African defensive
midfielder theory. Only a person with deeply ingrained survivalism but also
flair can fully operate that fulcrum position of defensive midfielder, able to
help stifle others, but quickly flip it into counter attack. N’Golo Kante has
won the Premier League title the past two seasons, and that’s no accident. His
style was the perfect trigger to unleash buckshot Jamie Vardy and .22 Magnum
Riyad Mahrez at Leicester City. And last season, he brought stability in the
middle to complement the entrenched back line and feed shithead Diego Costa
(and others) up top.

#7: David
Luiz – Luiz has done a couple stints with Chelsea, and I don’t love him
(because it’s Chelsea, and also he’s Brazilian, whom I also boycott
metaphysically at international level, for some odd reason… an odd reason
called Neymar likely), but I don’t mind him. He makes me think of Ygnwie
Malmsteen – I think it’s the hair. Malmsteen is playing locally near me later
this year, and I can’t imagine any reason on Earth not to go see Yngwie
Malmsteen play a shitty club in 2017.

#8: Pedro
– Fun fact about Pedro: he played forward for the Barcelona C team the last
season they existed, in Spain’s fourth division (unable to move higher because
Barcelona B was in third division). He then moved up to Barcelona B and helped
them get promoted to second level of Spanish footballing pyramid. Then he spent
seven seasons with Barca itself before getting cashed outside to England, and
Abrahamovich’s bulging pockets.

#9: Nemanja
Matic – (previously #23 for
Manchester United on 01-Sep-2017) Matic and Mourinho are hardcore homeboys
from way way back, so Matic was the one Mourinho was intent on poaching over to
Manchester United. In my humble metaphysical analysis of football, defensive
midfielder types are the truest fulcrum upon the pitch, and the likeliest
extension of manager’s mind in the grass. Thus Matic has already been assigned
that role at Old Trafford. Mourinho recently told the story of once putting
Matic in midway first half, then pulling him midway second half, and how that
made Matic one his all-time favorites, because Mourinho knew it sucked to do
but Matic came in the next day and was like, “Yo, that sucked, and made me sad,
but whatever, because I was playing shitty.” AND THAT WAS WHEN JOSE MOURINHO
KNEW NEMANJA MATIC HAD NO RESISTANCE LEFT TO HIS SOUL OR SPIRIT, AT LEAST
TOWARDS JOSE, so that’s why he’s in Manchester now.

#10: Marcos
Alonso – To be honest, I’d rather talk about Islam Feruz here, a Somali
immigrant to Scotland who got all his youth footballing at anti-fascist Celtic,
but didn’t sign a contract with them once at professional level, and ran off to
Chelsea, where he is part of their vast army of young talents who never
actually end up playing for the parent club. Feruz appears to be a bigger flame
out than most Chelsea wonderkids, but I love him (and always use him at lower
level Football Manager experiments, because I sign all guys named “Islam”,
always) because he plays for the Scottish national team at U-21 levels, but
also can still play for multiple African teams apparently. (I don’t think
Somalia sports a team, but he apparently has legal enough ties to play for
Tanzania or Zanzibar.) And while Marcos Alonso is a regular presence still for
Chelsea, I do not enjoy regular presences at valuable top of the table clubs
valuated at the billions. What I enjoy about football is fucked up Somalian
kids ending up in Glasgow and scoring hat tricks against shitty loyalist
assholes while being named Islam.

#11: Cesc
Fabregas – Forgive my stupid American ignorance, but I always feel like
part of his name is missing. He also always reminds me of somebody Furio would
kill on the Sopranos as well. My brain is a horrible buffet of
media-manufactured stereotypes.

#12: Willian
– As much as I try to be indifferent to the point of dislike towards both
Chelsea and Brazilian players, something about the hair makes me enjoy Willian
dashing up and down the flank as winger. My apologies to anyone who would hold
such a joy against me.

#13: Victor
Moses – It should be noted that I have been jotting down pertinent
metaphysical data for a metaphysics offering about the World Cup
(self-published, like all quacks do), and it makes me happy to say, that
despite an inconsistency due to corruption of governing bureaucracy, the
Nigerian Super Eagles still look to be poised to qualify for Russia out of
Group B in Africa, shockingly so considering they were drawn with Cameroon and
Algeria in African qualifying’s Group of Death. Victor Moses and the gang have
done well, losing only one qualifier, and already seeing Cameroon and Algeria
eliminated. (Algeria’s elimination has been cause of great concern in African
football; no way that team should have only 1 pt in qualifying, and Algerians
are not known for their footballing patience.) Anyways, Victor Moses is key
member of the national team, so I use his listing as an excuse to bring all
this up. I’m reading an anthology of poetry for each nation that qualifies as
well (because Eduardo Galeano taught me that poetry and football pair together
perfectly, when done right, although both have been mangled horribly by
dominant power systems), so I use google’s algorithm (on an incognito search,
which we all know is not incognito, but it forces them to pretend and thus not
use as much bullshit against you from your filter bubble) to search “Nation
poetry anthology” and then I get whatever the top result book is that actually
exists in local university library. Thus far I’ve only read Russia and Brazil
anthologies, and let me tell you, poetry is fucking sick.

#14: Branislav
Ivanovic – Yet another player technically born in Yugoslavia, which
obviously came apart at the ethnic seams in the ‘90s, thus he is now classified
as Serbian. The sheer number of world class players who come from what was
traditionally Yugoslavia is insane when you start adding them all together
(which they will never do themselves, because tensions remain hot, and UEFA
actually is running out of different groups to slap former Yugoslav republics
into now that Kosovo is recognized national team). Like his country mate Matic,
Ivanovic was loved by Mourinho, and also like Matic, he became expendable to
Antonio Conte. Ivanovic is aging though (33), and after nearly 400 club matches
with Chelsea, he went back to Russia again to play for Zenit St. Petersburg
this past February.

#15: John
Terry – John Terry’s remarkable (you have to use that word as even a
contrarian “sportswriter” with regards to his time) tenure at Chelsea was going
to come to an end, and there was no better way than as Premier League Champion
one more time. It seemed signal for him to do the “retirement” phase of a
couple seasons in the United States being overpaid to perform in a shitty
league where a bunch of middle class hooligan wannabes drink microbrews and
beat on drums and pretend to be “supporters”. But obviously Terry has not given
up on his ability to occupy a prominent(ish) Starting XI in Europe yet, as he
instead opted for playing for freshly-relegated Aston Villa. This move suggest
Terry will forego the U.S. money tour and instead make the transition to
second-tier player-manager, then outright manager. That’s got to be a weird
thing to have as a force on your team if you’re the manager though – an elder
spirit of the sport, who you know can help out a ton, but also might slip the
boardroom knife between your shoulder blades during any bad spell.

#16: Asmir
Begovic – Around the time of World Cup 2010, I fell in love with the Bosnia
and Herzegovina national team, and thus fell in love with Begovic, as he was
big part of their run during that period. When it appeared obvious he was
leaving Chelsea this past summer, and I was also concerned Lukasz Fabianski
would leave Swansea City, I was wishing and hoping for Begovic to come to the
Swans. Along with my African heritage defensive midfielder beliefs, I also feel
strongly that your most metaphysically solid GK is going to come from Eastern
Europe, where darkness has hung over existence for many decades. A GK requires
the ability to navigate the darkness, and not become too emotional over
successes or failures. A coldness ofheart and survival mode eyesight with wide peripheral vision is
necessary at GK, and Eastern Europe has been benefit of an environment which
would nurture such psychic genetics. But instead Begovic went to Bournemouth,
and Fabianski stayed in Swansea. (An odd aside to Begovic – he played youth
football during his teens in Canada, of all places.)

#17: Oscar
– Oscar is about the smuggest looking dude ever, and also he (along with later
listing John Obi Mikel) did what Diego Costa couldn’t do – get that Chinese
Super League money. Fellow Brazilians Hulk and Elkeson also play for the same
Chinese team, and they actually caused a giant brawl this past June, where
Oscar booted the ball at opposing players creating the fracas. He got suspended
8 matches, but Shanghai SIPG is still sitting in second, and looking good to
qualify for the Asian version of the Champions League. Sometimes I actually
catch Asian Champions League matches on the computer, but I tend to go for
eastern Asia brackets with clubs from Iran and Saudi Arabia, not the western
Asian clubs. I can’t even say “Arab clubs” because then Persians would be mad.
Oh, by the way, Oscar and his Shanghai SIPG club are in the final four of the
Asian Champions League, with the first leg (against Urawa Red Diamonds) set for
12 days from now. DE-COLONIZE YOUR FOOTBALLING EXPERIENCE! THERE’S MORE TO THE
WORLD THAN JUST UEFA.

#18: Kurt
Zouma – On loan to Stoke City all season. It seems Chelsea loan out all
their non-white players, to let them sort out who is best elsewhere, and not
upset the Chelsea Headhunters with too many players at once that they have to
whistle at like assholes every time they touch the ball.

#19: Michy
Batshuayi – Belgian striker most famously known for authoring the dystopian
classic 1Q84, and many felt was going to win the Nobel Prize for literature in
2014, but he was narrowly edged out by Luis Suarez.

#20: John
Obi Mikel – I did all that talking about Nigeria already, and here was the
fucking team captain sitting right here, waiting for me to gloss him as well.
Mikel is no longer with Chelsea though, having been one of the lucky men to
cash in on those ridiculous Chinese Super League contracts. Sadly, as of right
now, his Chinese Super League team – Tianjin Teda – is sitting next to last on
the table, and flirting with relegation. I can’t imagine his contract will
still be feasible as second level of Chinese football.

#21: Baba
Rahman – The young baby Baba Rahman is a Ghanaian who has been potential
Chelsea star for a few seasons now (of which they have hyped many, but few have
come to fruition). As a follower of African club football, I can tell you one
of the most heated rivalries in all of black Africa (African football is still
culturally somewhat segregated in style by Arab and black regions) is Hearts of
Oak and Asante Kotoko in Ghana. Rahman’s first professional season of football
was played for Asante Kotoko (having played youth football, and thus
contractually owned by Dreams FC in Ghana). One season there, and clubs like
Manchester City, Parma, and Arsenal came sniffing for the young man. He ended
up at Chelsea by way of a German stint, and has since been about to
breakthrough for a while. Last season he went back to Germany on loan, and one
has to wonder if Rahman has much life at Chelsea left barring a miracle turn in
his fortunes.

#22: Ruben
Loftus-Cheek – Young 21-year-old “about to breakthrough” Chelsea-owned
midfielder on season-long loan to Crystal Palace, who have had their worst
start to Premier League season ever. Chelsea’s “out on loan” Wikipedia section
is bigger than most clubs actual rosters. That shit is wack and goes against
the integrity of football and antifa are the only true supporters of real
football in Europe, and it’s sad that American antifa think antifa is only
about macing Nazis. Then again, MLS sucks.

#23: Nathaniel
Chalobah – Another “about to breakthrough” Chelsea wonderkid, which meant
he was loaned to the following clubs: Watford (42 matches), Nottingham Forest
(12 matches), Middlesbrough (19 matches), Burnley (4 matches), Reading (20
matches), and Napoli (10 matches). In that same period he only accumulated 15
appearances for Chelsea proper (10 of which were last season, which is how he
cracked the list). Finally, the kid from Sierra Leone, now 22, and seven years
into English football property, he transferred to Watford where he can actually
appear for the club that owns his rights. (I wanted to make some sort of blood
diamond reference, but it seemed heavy-handed, and it’s not like he’s free –
he’s still in England, and earning lots of money that a poor kid from Freetown
probably finds mind-boggling, as does everybody back home, which has made him
an alien in his own homeland. Corporate colonization is real.)

#24: Antonio
Rudiger – If Action Bronson is so fuckin’ Albanian, how come he doesn’t
drop more soccer references?

#25: Kenedy
– Look, I got Ibn al-Arabi’s Meccan Revelations Volume 1 in the mail today, and
I’m trying to wrap this thing up to go lay in the bed naked and read some more
of that. So I’m out.

starting points

What It Do

Low art formed in low places by a real dude. Bread words on the bedazzling bedeviled internet machines. For flesh and blood contact, or exchanges of treasure or tribute): RAVEN MACK PO BOX 585 CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA 22902. For 1s and 0s robot contact (or exchanges of virus and vinegraic piss): ravenmack at gmail dot com. Paypal support can be thrown at that email address too if you got it like that.

Might I suggest the best way to enjoy my madness is to scroll to the bottom and get lost in the tag labyrinth.