On TV: Um, 'Lost,' we can't go on like this

Published 10:00 pm, Tuesday, November 7, 2006

(Note to viewers: If last week's "Lost" is sitting unwatched on your TiVo, skip this column.)

Hey, "Lost," got a minute? We know you're busy packing for that 13-week hiatus that kicks off after tonight.

That's what we want to discuss with you. Have a seat.

Before we get to the core of the matter, thank you for two exciting seasons. The first really got us. Outsiders blamed our fierce loyalty back then on the head-over-heels rush of endorphins all of us experience at the beginning of a saucy new relationship. Make no mistake, that's what we have -- a relationship. An intricate serialized drama like you requires total commitment. That was crystal from the get-go.

Week after week you teased us with puzzles, filling our brains with questions.

Problem was, you didn't give us enough answers. Then you'd leave us frequently and without explanation during season two, making us wade through repeats and clip shows. Not cool, "Lost." Not cool.

Even through that, we preached patience. Hell, when most viewers wanted to truss up Michelle Rodriguez, coat her head to toe in bacon grease and leave her at the mercy of the island's polar bear, we hung tough.

Now, standing on the edge of season three's winter break, something's amiss and you know it. Oh, sure, you remain one of ABC's most successful series. Last week you snagged about 16.1 million viewers. As advertiser bait goes, you're still tops.

Our issue is that you don't take us places anymore. You've gotten rid of almost everything we liked about you. No more Eko. No more alarming discoveries or profound mysteries. Not enough Hurley.

"Lost," you're boring us.

Don't look at us like that -- look at yourself! Where you once brought us Dharma Initiative weirdness, tasty power struggles and sinister island dwellers, now we have dirty Sawyer, mud-slicked Kate and sweaty Jack sitting around in cages.

Hurley, Charlie and the rest of the survivors are wandering the beach doing next to nothing. Locke has turned into Mr. Rogers with a Bowie knife.

Seriously, would it kill you to actually do something for once?

Killing the only Tailie that we liked doesn't count. Quite the contrary. When that cloud of smoke beat Mr. Eko to death, some of us hit our limit. Not only did you off your best-loved character, you did so with an entity nobody has even come close to understanding.

To be fair, you have an acceptable defense for showing Eko his final exit. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje wanted to return to London to work on a film he plans to direct. Honestly, though -- death by raging pollutant? It's been three seasons. We've put in our time. You owe us some inkling of what the deal is with Ol' Smokey.

Heaping insult on top of that, you replaced Eko and the other wasted Tailies with Nikki (Kiele Sanchez) and Paulo (Rodrigo Santoro), a couple ripped straight out of the JCPenney catalog underwear section. Dull and duller! Nathan Fillion shows up on tonight's episode, and we can't wait to see what he'll do. That's because we loved him in "Firefly." Oh, you thought our anticipation had something to do with you? Sorry.

Even if everything's mapped out, the numbers don't lie. Viewers are leaving you every week for "Criminal Minds" on CBS. That procedural that doesn't come close to matching your intelligence and complexity, yet it's putting its boot to your backside in the ratings department.

You know what "Criminal Minds" has that you don't, besides almost 1 million more viewers as of last week? Plots that move.

Tune into "Criminal Minds" and a viewer is guaranteed a solid and electrifying start, a taut center and a firm ending. With you, we get Sawyer gnawing on fish biscuits and taking beatings.

"Lost," you still won among 18- to 49-year-olds by a 32 percent margin, so the news isn't all clouds and misery. Given the sand trap where you've stuck the plot, however, you can't blame us for turning to CBS for a little "wham-bam-thank-you, ma'am" fun with serial killers.

A number of us believe this relationship is worth salvaging. First, you're going to have to change a few things. Start with this: We want action. The bedrock of every relationship. The problem with this season is fairly basic -- nothing interesting or amazing has been happening on the island that you've led us to believe is both of those things and more. That needs to change, and pronto.

In order to jump-start the motor, you'll have to use your get-out-of-jail-free card. Spring Jack, Sawyer and Kate, and get on with the rest of the season. Nobody likes seeing central characters brought to heel for weeks on end. Look at Sci Fi Channel's "Battlestar Galactica," which reached a fork in the plot similar to yours. The series' human protagonists were under Cylon occupation and the producers wanted to show things from the enemy's point of view. That lasted for three episodes, then BOOM! The humans are back on their ships and merrily zipping through space. Balance, as the series presents it, was restored in short order. As long as the island's group is split apart and aimless, nothing exciting can happen. Break 'em out tonight. Then you'll have a cliffhanger working for you.

Also, how about you ditch the focus on The Others? Scale it back, at least. We've tried to embrace the whole exploration of what their goal is, but the more time we spend among The Others, the more it occurs to us that Ben, Juliet and their neighbors are pretty much just suburbanites with rusty moral compasses, lab equipment and too much time on their hands. "Lost," you hinted at Dr. Moreau-style madness, only to pull back the curtain and reveal an evil cul-de-sac that could have been set in Monroe, Wash.

After all that is rectified, you'd better start answering some questions. We still haven't forgotten about the statue with the four toes. Nobody gets why that polar bear is there and, after Eko's death, the secret behind the smoke demon had better melt our brains.

Shape up, "Lost," because you're not the only unusual option out there. We have our eyes on a new guy, NBC's "Heroes," on Monday nights. "Heroes" might not be as smart as you, but it's always a good time. We could easily redirect our passion over to NBC and abandon you completely.

Fortunately, you have until your Feb. 7 return to fix what's broken. Take this time to think about our relationship, then start doing better by us ... or else.