How to Debate an Obnoxious Man, According to Three Women Who've Done It (a Lot)

Tonight, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will face off at Hofstra University in the first presidential debate of this election. The event is expected to be the most watched presidential debate in history. And for good reason: Polls have Clinton and Trump nearly tied in critical battleground states. The race looks close. And a face-to-face showdown is perhaps the best way for Clinton to convince voters that Trump is not fit to be president.

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But how? Any woman who wants to take on a man in public has to navigate a web of double standards. She needs to seem authoritative, but not "bossy." She needs to be emphatic, never "shrill." And no matter how she behaves, someone is going to decide she should have smiled more.

As Clinton girds herself for battle, we asked three women who've been talked over, interrupted, condescended to, and criticized how to handle obnoxious men.

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Jill Abramson

Jill Abramson is a writer and journalist and the former executive editor of The New York Times, where she was the first woman to hold that position. She is now a lecturer at Harvard University.

For most of my career as an investigative reporter and editor, at both The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times, I was way outnumbered by men in almost every meeting. I'm still flooded with invitations to appear on endless journalism panels because the sponsors feel that must include a woman.

At the news meetings earlier in my career in the Wall Street Journal's Washington, D.C. bureau, my ideas were often attributed to one of the guys in the room. I'd hear, "As Jerry said....," when I was the one who had made the comment. I usually stayed silent but steamed inside. Now, I think the best way to deal with this kind of sexism is not to interrupt and say, "Hey, that was my idea," but to mention the oversight later to the person who ran the meeting.

Over the years, I often felt unheard. I think I overcompensated for this later, as a manager, by interrupting people and not listening enough. This was a big mistake. It's terrible to interrupt a colleague or someone who works for you. It sends the message "You aren't really worth listening to," even if that's not what you mean. It also sends a signal that you overvalue your own beliefs and opinions.

As for public speaking, like panels, I often feel like the female protagonist in The Heidi Chronicles by Wendy Wasserstein, who appears on a panel consisting of men and literally does not get a single word in. When that happens, listen for pauses and be ready to jump in. Better yet, before a panel begins, ask the moderator to make sure to invite you to speak or add a point. This is better than interrupting or remaining mute.

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Soledad O'Brien

Soledad O'Brien is a journalist and television producer, appearing regularly on CNN and HBO. She is the chairman of Starfish Media Group, a production company and distributor.

When I was probably 21, I was an associate producer on a morning show in Boston. Every day, I had to go to this meeting that took place at 9 a.m. And as soon as my show ended, I would run to get to this meeting. At almost every meeting, there would be this guy there named John. And every time I walked in five minutes late (because I had run from the control room), he'd say, "Oh, I guess we are on colored people's time today."

It would just drive me crazy. It was my first job. I was young and embarrassed. I was furious. I would always try to spit out some reaction.

A year later, I got a new job and I never saw him again—ever. I mean, I've been in this business for 30 years. And 30 years later, I've still never seen him. For me, the lesson is do not waste your time on people you can't change. It taught me not to put psychic energy into people who don't matter, the people whose opinions you don't care about, who have no impact on you. Instead of getting pissed, I should have just said, "Forget him. What about me? What can I do for me?"

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And I think that's really still true to this day. At the end of the day, don't get sucked into the dispute. Don't get riled up by people who are just trying to get under your skin. Smile at everybody. When I get mad at people now, I tell them, "I'm gonna pray for you."

When someone is interrupting you or attacking you, you want to make sure not to lose your temper or focus, partly because you don't want your voice to go up. I think when women—me, specifically, but even in general—get stressed and mad, our voices go up. And then nobody really listens to you. People who really have power drop their voice when they're mad, because it lets them take up some space. You've got to take your space. So, I tend to choose to slow way down and make sure my voice is very low-pitched. I stay very calm and don't rush. I take up time and space and speak forcefully.

When the person is done freaking out and looking like a fool, you say, "Okay, should we go back to the facts now?"

When I'm interviewing someone or talking to someone, and I think they are being difficult, I tend to throw in terms of respect more. When it's becoming challenging, I probably use the word "sir" ten times. I'm always going, "So sir, if I may," and "with respect, sir." I find that it keeps me on track and it gives a certain tone to the conversation.

Having kids has really helped with that strategy, because you do the same thing you do when your toddler is having a meltdown. You step over them and keep going. You can't sink down to where your toddler is going, or you will lose all control. If you engage in a shouting match, you never win. And actually, the more upset someone gets, the more calm you have to get. When the person is done freaking out and looking like a fool, you say, "Okay, should we go back to the facts now?"

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Joy Reid

Joy Reid is a political analyst at MSNBC and the host of AM Joy, a weekend talk show that covers news and politics.

Unfortunately, getting interrupted really does happen to all women all the time. Disrespect for a woman's voice still exists in our culture. And so women have this really difficult tightrope to walk. If you are assertive and stand up for yourself, you give off the impression that you're the b-word. But if you are soft and try to use your femininity to make your point, then you are not taken seriously. It's very hard.

All you can do is be prepared, so that you're confident in your facts and that so that nobody can shake you by claiming what you are saying isn't true. It's a tried-and-true debate tactic to try to disarm someone by just emphatically stating an untrue fact, saying it really assertively. I think all you can do is be calm, be assertive, and be certain that you are right. It's very important that you know what you are talking about, because that's how you lose debates—being wrong.

I'm in the call-out school. I don't think it does anyone any good to let a smear hang in the air.

If somebody is being out and out offensive, you have to call it out in the moment. I'm in the call-out school. I don't think it does anyone any good to let a smear hang in the air. If someone is saying something offensive, then whether you are a woman or a man, you have an obligation to cut that off in mid-sentence. We've gotten to a point where the discourse is so coarse and so ugly that people feel just much freer to say things that would normally be beyond the pale. If someone is disparaging you, you have every right to stop them from doing so and to correct them in the moment.

I've been on shows both as a host and as a guest when people have made what I consider to be racially insensitive comments—not even necessarily about African Americans. Someone will talk about Asian Americans in a way that's archaic and offensive. Or, they'll talk about immigrants, particularly Hispanic immigrants, in a way that I've found disparaging. In those moments, I say, "You shouldn't say that about someone. You really need to respect people." There have been times where I've said that and had pushback. The person has said, "No, I'm going to keep saying this."

"Because you're a girl or because you're black, people will think that you don't have anything to contribute. You need to let people know that you do."

I know what it's like to be nervous that you're going to be the only person of color or you might be the only woman in the room. I've had that happen to me a lot throughout life and have felt that spotlight on me in moments when I've been uncomfortable or feel disrespected.

When I was growing up, my mother always said, "When you go into a classroom or a meeting, always have a question to ask; always have something to say. Don't sit silently in the room. Because you're a girl or because you're black, people will think that you don't have anything to contribute. You need to let people know that you do." So, I did. I've always forced myself to say something, to train myself not to be afraid.

When I look back, I can think of times where, as a woman in the world, I've said, "Okay, I will take care of somebody who's being rude later. I'll have a conversation with them." I should have taken care of them in front of everyone! As women, we have this tendency to not want to have a confrontation in front of people, but we don't necessarily help ourselves by saving confrontations for later. I never want to blow up at people. I don't scream. But I think you should take care of a problem in the moment. I think you are happier that way. I think you are more honest that way. I think you are more honorable that way.