01:16 pmIt happens to be my lot in life that I was born on what we know as Valentine's day. I blame my parents. When my oldest sister was born on Bastille day and my older sister was born on Thanksgiving, it was bound to happen. Despite this obvious fact, they had me. Paradoxically, I was born on the day when many are conceived.

Up until 2001, I spent every year single. It sucked hard. Worst of all, every girlfriend I had that seemed like a potential prospect would break up with me. I even had a couple that got back together with me after Valentine's day.

Now, many of you are probably thinking "Yeah, yeah, being single on V-day sucks. Get in line." But stop to consider the horror of my predicament. When you mention you were born on the 14th of February, EVERYONE immediately says "Aww! Valentine's day! That's so cute!" You always get at least 1 box of those candy hearts that taste like chalk. And, perhaps worst of all, your mother STILL thinks it's cute to ask you to be her valentine.

The only thing that could have made my already depressing teenage years worse would have been Catholicism.

Somewhere in this time, a thought began to percolate. Namely, why call it Valentine's day at all? Not just an anti-Valentine's day, but something that simply isn't Valentine's day. Period.

Forget the annoyance which is Valentine's day. Forget Hallmark and everyone else who turns everything red and puts up hearts on any flat surface. Forget the fictional story about the Catholic saint who left a note behind. Throw all that away and replace it with:

PHILDAY

Now, I know it doesn't have quite the ring to it, but I haven't yet found a religion that I'd approve of canonizing me (the classic Groucho Marx problem, you see). Still, I'm working on that.

So what is this PHILDAY about? Anything. Nothing. If you want to go have an expensive dinner and a soak in the hot tub with your SO, you'll find no objection from me. If you want to catapult water balloons at Greyhound buses, go for it! If you want to spend the day attempting to break your record time for sustained head stands, this is your day.

Failing anything else, doesn't it make a lot more sense to celebrate a day which happens to be my birthday, rather than a made-up day for a made-up person with a made-up story?

In fact, to that end, I'd like to propose a contest. Write a story about PHILDAY that invents an origin on the way. You may use myself and any of my acquaintances as need be.

I'm open to suggestions on prizes. Preferably something computer related. A shiny Pentium-150 with Linux perhaps? Maybe some software that I can churn out.

Stories will be judged by me. Since there is no set genre, it can be assumed that the one which holds my interest the best will be selected.

Phil Day?

And yea, on the day that Phil was born, his Philistine parents were philled with joy. On this day, a great light shone upon the heavens...or perhaps it was just the maternity drugs, but hey, we're going off his mom's account here so bear with us....

Empowered with the effects of Fetenol and Vicodin combined, the slightly-less-than-virgin mother of Phil proclaimed "Let this day forever be known as the day that Phil came into the world...let us Phil our socks with feet, our pockets with arcade tokens, our counters with emptied Coke cans, our hearts with joy and our glasses with a mixture of two parts grenadine, one part spiced rum and say "Joy to the World, for Phil has come!" Or will, if he ever gets around to shaving that beard. Wow, that is a very hairy baby I made".

And so children, we celebrate the birth of Phil in just this way...may your hearts be philled with gladness at the ability to spend the day thinking of Phil, and shouting from every window "You are SO Wrong!!!"

The subject of Elvis always mystified Phil's father. Not his sparkling smile, his devilish gyrating hips, or his descent into drug abuse, sloth, and fried catfish jokes... it was the fact that Elvis wouldn't fuck luscious Priscilla after she gave birth to Lisa Marie. Phil's father could not understand this. It was, however, no mystery to Phil's father's friends why Phil's father could not understand why Elvis didn't fuck Priscilla. After all, it was widely known that Phil's father was a motherfucker.

Now -- I should interrupt this narrative to mention a peculiar phenomenon -- that of the omen or portent. Primitives up to and including the Baptists have long believed that a certain important event may be alluded to by certain comparatively minor events. For instance: Julius Caesar's assassination was preceded by strange storms and a slave whose hand, though on fire, was miraculously unharmed. Siddhartha Gautama's birth was preceded by his mother's dream of a strange elephantesque deity. Phil's birth was preceded by the founding of IBM and the unveiling of ENIAC -- two events that would act as a cynosure to Phil's life.

That is not to say that IBM's incorporation or ENIAC coming out of the closet (so to speak) were in any way related to Phil's birth. As previously established, Phil's father (unlike Jesus's, and like Siddhartha's) was most definitely a motherfucker.

Rather, what would come to be known as PHILDAY (marking the auspicious event of Phil's wailing entry into this world, as opposed to the quiet birth of Buddha and the farm animal-adorned birth of Jesus) counts IBM's establishment and ENIAC's disrobing among its countless omens because they all three occurred on the same day of the Gregorian calendar -- that day being February 14th. February 14th is in a unique position, being halfway between the calm inauguration of the new year and April Fool's Day -- and thus, Phil is eternally caught between nothingness and idiocy. It could not have been otherwise.

IBM and ENIAC are thus omens of Phil's birth. They are deeply related -- a one-two-three punch of proportions unmatched in the computing world. The significance is unquestionable, save by chronic masturbators, child molestors, corrupt police officers, and admirers of Ayn Rand. Other events occurring on February 14th -- for instance, the release of Tarzan of the Apes -- shall go undiscussed.

At any rate, it became clear that Phil's father was a motherfucker when Phil was born and resembled his father. Having never seen Phil or Phil's father, it is a demonstration of my supreme prophetic gifts that I am able to say with some certainty that Phil resembles his father -- and if he doesn't, then I say that none of ye know the true nature of Phil's father -- including, perhaps, Phil. Do not allow this to sway your opinion of Phil's importance in the years to come, as at least one historic figure had not the foggiest idea who his father was.

Phil, being born at an early age, was abundantly aware of his importance to the world. He dispensed wisdom far and wide: "Gott ist tot! Gott bleibt tot! Und wir haben ihn getötet," "the most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments," and "It's amazing what one finds in one's bellybutton" numbering among his favorite aphorisms.

Phil's promising career as a charlatan and computer astrologist extraordinaire was tragically cut short by the mounting boredom of this biographer. Phil's promising career was also cut short when he died, at the age of 67, from asphyxiating on a haemorrhoid. It is unknown if the haemorrhoid was his own.

Upon his third resurrection, Jesus burst into a million candy hearts. These were gathered by the Hannukah bunny and distributed to veterans on All Hallow's Eve. Santa Claus decreed that the day should be called "PHILDAY" and moved to February 14th, in honor of Phil.

A tapir came along and snoze. Then Phil fell out of his nozz. "this won't do," thought the tapir. "If word gets out, I'll be the laughingstock of the whole chaparral. Then a peccary type pigCame and bunted the poor confused Phil with his nozz. Phil flew up into the air and landed at the DMV.Yes, it was DMV, the musical! They sang and danced and the people watching got bored. Including those watching was the king. The king of Armadillos.The armadillo king said "I shall have to proclaim today a holiday in order to get out of this wretched musical," just then, a full-grown Phil landed in his lap. "Aha," thought the king, " I shall proclaim today PHILDAY." Everyone was quite happy, especially those with nozzes, because, in celebration, Melissa got to squidge them all. The end.

In a diner, shortly after four a.m., the man behind the counter started to hear strange noises. He went into the back and looked around to find a large snake trapped behind some appliances! The snake was so cheery despite being trapped, and asked for help so nicely, that the man gladly assisted. What they didn't notice, though, was that the snake in his struggling had ruptured a gas line behind the stove. Shortly, the whole place burned to the ground, but because he was so nice the snake was allowed to stick around anyway. In his gratitude, he named the day in his savior's honor.

My hazy recollection of last week's nano-fictionary in honor of Phil's Day:

On a lunar colony, is a swarthy philistine race, yes a race, of long haired, long bearded pizza delivery boys known for thier pizza making abilities. This race of pizza delivery boys was bred of an alpha male, Phil. So one day, the president decides to go to a pizza place of the Phil race and steal the uber tasty delightful pizza. A war breaks out from this terrible act. Phil besides being an artful pizza maker and deliver is a skilled diplomat and sorts out this mess with his diplomatic abilities. Thus, we celebrate Phil's day to commorate is ending of this massacre. Also, we use red hearts to commorate the splattered marina sauce wrought in this war.

Long ago (well, not really that long ago), there was a deranged inventor who lived under the sea in a submarine. He had a first mate who happened to be a time traveler from the year 1888. No one knows how he got there or why. He just was. Whenever the deranged inventor would order him to do something, he'd just say "Umm...uhh...very good, sir!" which suited the inventor just fine.

One day, the inventor decided he had a craving for brownies and invented this contraption to make what he considered the world's perfect brownie. He created many brownies and placed them on a plate, but a horrible thing happened -- they were eaten!

The inventor knew it wasn't the time traveler from 1888. He consumed motor oil. After an exhaustive search, they found a little black cat that said "Hey man! Wassup?" The inventor was really annoyed and accused him to which the cat answered "Don't worry man! 's cool! 's cool!"

The inventor then set to inventing a machine to destroy the cat, but he overengineered it and destroyed the world instead.

However, Phil in his merciful ways, saw a different destiny for mankind and reconstructed the Earth. Lo, he even created brownies for the inventor and fixed the design of his machine. And it was good.