Rumble Roses (PlayStation 2) review

"Are you kidding? This is the same company that came up with classics like Contra and Life force? The same ďKonamiĒ that is responsible for modern-day goliaths like Metal Gear and Lament of Innocence? What were they thinking? Oh, thatís right. The joke Robin Williams made about only having enough blood for one thing at a time. No, Iím not going to repeat it; True Baby has more class then that.
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Are you kidding? This is the same company that came up with classics like Contra and Life force? The same ďKonamiĒ that is responsible for modern-day goliaths like Metal Gear and Lament of Innocence? What were they thinking? Oh, thatís right. The joke Robin Williams made about only having enough blood for one thing at a time. No, Iím not going to repeat it; True Baby has more class then that.

Something Konami obviously doesnít, else I wouldnít have stumbled onto Rumble Roses because it would not exist if the company had one shred of dignity. Okay, okay. I didnít stumble onto it. I picked it up intentionally because Iím a dirty perv and itís easy for me to spot these kinds of games.

Well, I could be blindfolded and dizzy and could still manage to pick this one out of a line up. Itís so scantily blasť it makes a porn bot on myspace look like a schoolteacher. But alas, the phenom Zig already covered that aspect so Iím not going to be redundant and cover it again.

Instead, I would rather talk about the mechanics of the game and the actual wrestling side of the entire thing. Thereís wrestling. At least, I think that is what itís supposed to be.

. . . .

Well, since I covered everything ďwrestlingĒ about this game, letís move on shall we? The simplest way to put this game is itís a hooker. Wait, Iím going to explain. What is sexy about a hooker? Nothing. However, there are plenty of things sexy about a stripper. Although they dress the same, act the same and are pretty much both only after your money, the sexiness of a stripper is found in the mystery and in the unattainable aspect they create. They are not as in your face. (Dirty, dirty pun) Again, this game is a hooker. I donít like to be told things, and to me a game this blatant is trying to say itís sexy, while it really is not.

The entire game screams look at me, all while poisoning every sense in your body. Although the music is fairly decent with some good tracks for intros, the voice actors need to take a few less valiums before they step into the studio. Ben Stein could give these girls a lesson in personality because every cheesy monologue given is gray and more over dramatic then a cast member from ďSurreal LifeĒ muttered from a monotone voice. The laughs are hideous and the screams are just as bad, each one worthy of community theatre. Every sound is overdone and under emotional.

Your emotions arenít going to fair any better. Each ďwrestlerĒ has their own alternate ego, leaving a mass of storylines to follow. Storyline being the operative word there, with no pull or sentiment to the characters itís just dull, boring rhetoric that is keeping you from the dirty. Not to mention, itís all linear and everyone ends up fighting the same boss at the very end. Which isnít a bad thing necessarily, except boredom creeps in long before you even have those alter egos. If you want to see and unlock everything like I do, strap in for the long, dismal haul.

Leaving my ears bleeding and my interest flat lining wasnít enough for Konami, they had to hurt my eyes as well. The girls are good looking there is no doubt about that, but the mechanics suffer a great deal in order for them to perfect ďbouncingĒ. All the movements are like a Viper hitting every stoplight. It goes smooth for a moment during the beginning of the attack, stops abruptly as if the wrestlers were thinking about what theyíre doing, then runs again. Chug, chug, chug baby.

Moves? Yeah, okay there are actual wrestling moves in this game, which, I hate to say are fairly decent. Itís honestly like a souped-up Smackdown at times, but those times are rare at best. The only things worthwhile are the three finishers each wrestler has. A lethal move, a killer move and the ever-amusing humiliation move. But again, the one glimmer this game may have is lost to the fact it wants to be naughty. The lethal and killer moves are great, but there is no strategy involved. Once your bar fills up all you need to do is tap a button to execute it. No waiting until your opponent is groggy or finding the right position. Thatís too much workÖ right? So instead Konami has opted to remove all the in-between stuff, magically warping your wrestler to the correct position after a brief cut-scene. The build up is gone, and so is the entertainment. Part of the fun of wrestling is watching some dolt get caught or walk into a move. Anything to get to the vision of one chick lying on another that much faster.

The humiliation moves are a bit different as they are all submissions. Dirty, naughty, embarrassing submissions. But Iím sure you could have guessed that from their title. Although most of them look neat and seem painful, they arenít worth all the work getting to them. Unless youíre really hard up you havenít seen enough exposure.

Itís so sad that Konami has to resort to these kinds of things to try and make a buck. Itís also sad that we as consumers buy it. The one thing that this game has going for it, it doesnít pull any punches. It makes no qualms about being dirty, risquť and downright class less. But the thing that really grates me is the fact Konami tried to bury all this sleaze under wrestling. This game has nothing to do with wrestling. Itís all about bouncing chests and tight thongs. If thatís enough for you, then have at it. But as a wrestling fan, I know there is something better to play. Something beyond the dirty.

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