Hello hello hello hello hello hello. Welcome to the X Factor liveblog: the shriekquel. You've had plenty of time to aurally cleanse yourself following last night's wonky assault of ill-defined floorfillaz, and now it's time for those responsible to face the hideous consequences.

This isn't just any old X Factor results show, you understand. No, there's a double elimination in the offing. Who'll go is anyone's guess. Logic dictates that Frankie will go, partly because of how awful he was last night and partly because even the studio audience booed him, but he seems worryingly invincible at the moment. So who? The Risk? Johnny? Janet? We should probably just be thankful that it's only a double eviction. If all the acts who underperformed last night were sent home, then we'd be in for a month and a half of Dermot O'Leary puffing out his cheeks and absent-mindedly asking audience members if they've been anywhere nice lately.

Still, you know the score by now. I'll be back here at 8pm to guide you through all the mounds of filler that will invariably lead up to tonight's elimination and you'll react with shock when Misha gets sent home. Deal? Good. See you in a bit dot com.

7.40pm: Before we get going, isn't it nice to have The Cube back? Obviously I'd have preferred it if they went with my suggested title of Remedial-Level Greenhouse Motor Skills Fun Time, but I suppose you can't have it all.

7.46pm: Everyone on The Cube just went crazy because a woman successfully managed to walk in a circle. If this isn't a deliberate ploy to drastically lower our expectations ahead of the X Factor group song, I'll be staggered. Staggered.

7.58pm: IT'S TIME! TO MERCIFULLY EUTHANISE THE TERM! 'FLOORFILLAZ'!

8.03pm: For the sake of consistency, let's say hello to the X Factor judges:

TULISA - Her tattoo tonight is just a string of upper-case vowels. I think this is a satirical response to Kelly Rowland's judging style last night.

KELLY - She didn't say 'hello'. Not even once. What a poxy letdown.

GARY BARLOW - Again, walking on pumping his fist. This is presumably because it's the only way to stop his heart from dying of boredom.

8.07pm: Oh fantastic. There's a group song. It's Price Tag. And since this is obviously mimed, it seems to have descended into a bizarre finger-pointing competition. Johnny opens strongly, getting about six strong jabs in. But The Risk and Little Mix counter with a flurry of their own. Craig, held down by the weight of the challenge, barely manages to raise a single arm. Frankie barely even tried, though. Naturally.

8.09pm: Time for the interminable recap now, in which we learn that Gary Barlow calls his group of boys 'Team Barlow'. I bet Team Barlow nights out are a right old bundle of fun. Half pints of warm beer. Discussions about traffic. Occasional needlepoint breaks. I want in, damn it.

8.11pm: Also, they replay the bit where Kelly Rowland told Louis off for telling Frankie what he'll never be. Which is a bit weird. He's never going to be a tree, is he? Or a penguin. Or the moon. Or, you know, technically competent. I don't see what's wrong with pointing this out.

8.13pm: The interminable recap wasn't actually that interminable tonight, which means we can zoom straight onto the JLS guest performance.

It's an exclusive performance of their new single, apparently. And no expense has been spared. There are lampposts. There are two or three benches. It's Lady Gaga's massive bath all over again.

8.17pm: I don't know what this song's called, but the lyrics seem to suggest that all of JLS have fallen in love with the same blind girl, and they all like staring into her eyes - all of them, all at once - but she's already got a boyfriend. JLS don't care, though. In terms of where they finished X Factor, they're just as popular as Same Difference so they know that all women would fall over to get a piece of them. More or less.

8.19pm: To fill time before we get to the yoghurt adverts, Dermot talks to the contestants. Johnny does the same old 'Coo-ee Gary Barlow' nonsense as he does every week. Janet says she's scared. Kitty says that she takes her criticism very well. All the other contestants bite their lips and try not to snigger too loudly at this.

8.22pm: Christ on a mucky stick, what is THIS? An M&S advert featuring all of the X Factor finalists, each singing a line of When You Wish Upon A Star while a little girl screams at an old man? No no no no no NO. These things have RULES. X Factor is where the X Factor finalists live. M&S adverts are for Caroline Quentin and women running around in underwear. This is ALL WRONG. I will be buying my prawn cocktail sandwiches ELSEWHERE from now on. Disturbing.

8.23pm: In other news, expect to see Matt Cardle singing My Old Man's A Dustman for the Poundstretcher Christmas adverts any day now.

8.25pm: And now for Florence And The Machine, played here by Noel Fielding in a Rod Hull wig.

8.27pm: This is an interesting performance. Florence is wearing an outfit that trails out in six different directions and flaps about a bit. I can honestly say that I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting her to wear a T-shirt reading 'Sorry this isn't You've Got The Love'. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

8.28pm: And then it finishes and everyone realises that Florence has somehow become the new Annie Lennox, and they all back away as politely as they can without actually making eye contact with her.

8.30pm: More adverts now. If they do the M&S advert again, I'm going to put my foot through something. Possibly my own head.

8.32pm: Actually, I've just realised something about the X Factor graphics. The big X comes all the way from outer space and lands in the middle of London. But X Factor is actually filmed in Wembley. Perhaps they should change the graphics to amend this. Perhaps next week the big X could land in a rundown industrial estate, next to a stabbing.

8.35pm: And we're back. Lines are now closed. You may now stop feeling slightly superior for not voting for anyone.

8.36pm: And now, it's time for the results. The act with the lowest public vote is out, the next two will have a sing-off. Clear?

8.37pm: Little Mix are through. They react like a load of mice have run up their legs. Marcus is also through. And Misha is through. Well done Britain.

8.38pm: Also through: Craig. And Frankie. FRANKIE. I take back that well done Britain thing. Britain, you confuse me.

8.39pm: Finally, Janet's through. That leaves Johnny, Kitty and The Risk. Seriously, though, Frankie? Did any of you actually SEE that?

8.41pm: Oh. The Risk are going home. Not even a sing-off for them. The crowd erupts in boos. Tulisa looks shocked. They play The Risk's best bits, which is sweet. Remember the bit when they didn't exist? And then they existed as a bunch of groups? And then when they were The Risk? And then when one of them left, and they weren't really The Risk any more? No, me neither.

8.44pm: I just looked at the comments following the news of Frankie's survival. I think I might start moonlighting as a semi-professional jaw resetter. I'd make a fortune tonight. A FORTUNE.

8.46pm: Also, on Twitter, Wayne Rooney has announced that he's switched X Factor off in disgust. When he's taking the ethical high ground, you know you've got problems.

8.49pm: First in the sing-off is Johnny. He's doing Unchained Melody, which is famously Simon Cowell's favourite song. However, he hasn't banked on the fact that Simon Cowell isn't actually there tonight. He should have done Louis Walsh's favourite song instead which, as we've already established, is the theme tune to Pingu.

Actually, though, this is quite the performance. Kitty is going to have to do something really special to beat Johnny here. Or, since she's the contestant who X Factor has been rooting for all along, she just has to turn up. Oh well.

8.50pm: Kitty, trouserless as ever, is singing a song I don't recognise because I'm not a retired librarian.

8.52pm: Kitty's doing well, it has to be said. I'm actually going to be sad if either of these two go home. There were much worse performances last night. Naming no names, of course.

8.53pm: Louis Walsh gets to vote first, which is weird. After a period of confusion, he sends Johnny home.

8.54pm: Kelly Rowland starts waffling on about hats or something. She's a card, that one.

No, she's still talking about hats.

Still talking.

Oh, she's sent Johnny home too.

8.57pm: And that's Johnny gone, too. Poor Johnny. Who'll talk back to Gary Barlow now? Little Mix? Oh HARDLY. Louis Walsh is in tears. Johnny thanks Britain for allowing him for being him. This is a profoundly emotional moment. I might be exaggerating a little.

8.58pm: And that's that. We'll have to struggle through next week's X Factor without The Risk or Johnny. Which is a shame, because I heard that the theme for next week's X Factor is either going to be Anonymous Boybands or Widow Twanky. Oh well. Thanks, as always, for the mountain of comments - your dedication to this nonsense is admirable. If you fancy it, you should follow me on Twitter (@StuHeritage). And if you don't, I'll see you back here at 8:15pm next Saturday. Deal? Deal.