Ernie Cline

Nerd Porn Auteur
by Ernest Cline
I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porno movies
that are made for guys like me.

All the porn I've come across
was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males
Men who like their women stupid and submissive
Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos
with gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary

Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected
liposuctioned women
Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation
in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.

But I don't wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater porn.
I want porno movies that are made with guys like me in mind:
Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world
is a woman who is smarter than you are.

You can have the whole cheerleading squad,
I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:
Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.
Oh yes.
First I want to copy her Trig homework,
and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her
for hours and hours
until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.
Suma cum laude, baby!
That is what I call erotic.

But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?
No.
Which is why I'm going to start writing and directing Geek Porno.
I shall be the quintessential Nerd Porn Auteur.
And the women in my porno movies will be the kind
that drive nerds like me mad with desire.

I'm talking about the girls that used to fuck up the grading curve.
The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.
Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.
Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses
and chips on their shoulders.

My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.
My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.

In my kind of porno movies the girls wouldn't even have to get naked.
They'd just take the guys down to the rec room and
beat them repeatedly at chess
and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle
or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.

Buy stock in some hand cream companies
because there is about to be a major shortage.

And I'm not just talking about straight porn. Oh no.
There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren
of all sexual orientations.
Gay nerd porn flicks with titles like "Dungeons and Drag-queens."

This idea is a fucking gold mine.
I am gonna make millions,
because this country is full of database programmers
and electronics engineers
and they aren't getting the loving they so desperately need.
And you can help . . .

If you're an intelligent woman is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,
and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker's home planet,
then you are hired.

It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or unattractive.
It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.
You are beautiful. . .
And I will make you a star.

Originally posted by Celerity@Jan 8 2004, 11:00 PM First I want to copy her Trig homework,
and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her
for hours and hours
until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.

It must be an age thing. Ernie Cline was 29 when he wrote that, but he's 31 now. So I'll break it down to you kids.

"The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.
Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.
Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses
and chips on their shoulders."

Latin clubs were the hang outs of nerds back then. Today it's "Basic Geometry".
Weird clothes were mismatched, layered socks and candy striped leg warmers underneath a plaid skirt. hot hot hot
Way back when, when people got Braces, everyone could see them. a 4.0 GPA is perfect As.
MENSA is a club for genii. Genii is plural for Genius. Not Genius', because that's ownership.

"until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica."

Battlestar Galactica was a sci-fi show that was on from 1979 to 1982. It featured Dirk Benedict. Every girl loved Dirk Benedict. My hair was modelled after Dirk.

"They'd just take the guys down to the rec room and
beat them repeatedly at chess
and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle
or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies."

Heisenberg's uncertainty states thats the width of two quantum particles (basically) is not as wide as the Planck model of atomic size. That all Quantum particles exist as both forces and sub-atomic particles only.
Aliens was a Movie starring a young Sigourney Weaver who was sci-fi's first kick-ass woman, not the damsel but far more the heroine.

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things used to be when they were growing up, what with walking twenty-five miles each way to school every morning, uphill, both ways, through year-round blizzards, carrying their younger siblings on their back
to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average, despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for .35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell
I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it.

But now that I've reached the ripe old age of 29â€¦
I can't help but look around and notice
that the youth of today â€“
You've got it so fucking easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood,
you live in a goddamn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today . . .
you don't know how good you've got it.

I mean, when I was a kid...

We didn't have the Internet.
If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the goddamn library and look it up!
And there was no e-mail!
You had to actually WRITE somebody a letter,
with a PEN,
and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the fucking mailbox. And it would take, like, a WEEK to get there.

And there were no MP3s or Napster!
If you wanted to steal music
you had to go down to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day and tape it off of the radio, and then the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!

You wanna hear about hardship?

You couldn't just DOWNLOAD porn.
You had to bribe some homeless dude
to buy you a copy of Hustler from the 7-11.
It was either that or jack off to the lingerie section of the JC Penny catalog.
Those were your options!

And there was no call waiting! If you were on the phone and someone else called -
they got a BUSY SIGNAL!

And we didn't have Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your boss, a collection's agent, your mom, your drug dealer â€“
You didn't know!
You had to just pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics.
We had the Atari 2600!
With games like Space Invaders and Asteroids.
And the graphics sucked ass!
Your guy was just a square!
You had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens.
It was just ONE screen, forever,
and you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and faster and until you died.
Just like LIFE!
Those video games built character, Sonny Jim!

And when you went to the movie theater â€“
there was no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height.
If a tall guy sat in front of you, you were fucked!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only, like, 20 channels!
And there was no on-screen menu!
You had to use a little book called the TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning!

Do you see what the fuck I'm saying?!!
We had to wait all week, you spoiled little bastards!

That's exactly what I'm talking about.
The problem with you kids today is that youâ€™ve got it too damn easy!
You're spoiled!