Soap Watch

by CAROLINE FITTON

Last updated at 15:55 08 January 2005

Where would we be without the soap hospital drama featuring the organ transplant and the potential donor? Up Yabbie Creek without a paddle in Home And Away, it seems. With Kirsty's kidneys failing fast, people are queueing around the block to see if they are a match. We are awash in failed antipodean organs: Neighbours' Liljana's liver failure is receiving more attention than even Hannibal Lecter could lavish with a little Chianti.

Back on UK soil, Geri's facing a bone marrow transplant in Family Affairs; so many transplants, so little time... it's simply offal.

A quick glimpse at others on the soap critical list reveals Emmerdale's Sam Dingle in urgent need of a brain transplant; a hair transplant for EastEnders' Sam Mitchell (she bangs on about her barnet smelling of chip fat all week); but I fear we're too late for Pauline Fowler's total charisma bypass.

Coronation Street

Possibly auditioning for a part in Footballers' Wives, Candice glams up for Warren's football debut at Weatherfield County on Sunday night. And just when you thought it was all over, Warren scores a debut goal. So, at the end of the day, dad Danny didn't have to be as sick as a parrot.

From glam to goth, Rosie Webster is doing what she does best - scaring her parents. And so is Ian who, midweek, tells Sally that such is her magnetism, he can't cope working with her and that she will have to resign. By Friday he knows which cards to lay on the table - the promise of a more upmarket life. It suits her aspirations and Sally is tempted - perhaps if he'd gone to Specsavers it could have tipped the balance as those glasses are a little downmarket.

Young Adam McBarlow returned for another brief encounter with Weatherfield this week, but it seems the laddie's packing his Caledonian bags yet again by Monday. Also on Monday, Roy endures intimidation over a sarnie in the caff, but by the end of the week fab Fiz dispenses wise counsel - a shared moment for two of the most sympathetic characters around. The return of Ashley and Claire from their Parisian honeymoon only serves to highlight Fred's feelings of loneliness. Perhaps if he stopped speaking with his mouth full, or just stopped eating for a while, it might help his cause.

EastEnders

That strange scratching sound you can hear is actually the bottom of the barrel being scraped. I'm wondering whether Jeffrey Archer is the chief scriptwriter these days, so wooden and heavyhanded are the 'plots', so stereotypical are the characters. We know it's grim down south, but it's become one giant clichÈd Fagin's den - from Big Mo (now evidently welded to her wannabe Tibetan shepherd's hat) to Stacey Slater to Lucy Beale, who is fast becoming a little tea leaf, the rate of petty crime escalates daily. With talk of cullings, why boost the ranks of petty criminals? Call this progress? Jake and Danny stashed drugs and counterfeit money on top of Pauline Fowler's wardrobe before you could say 'Crimewatch'. If only Pauline had known.

Since every market stall he touches turns to gold these days, Alfie 'King Midas' Moon should be running the whole market pitch - Zoe for a start is never at her stall these days, as everyone endlessly points out. Zoe has become a thing so manipulated, she's turned into a puppet. She even moves like one. 'Psycho Stepford wife' as Dennis calls her.

This week very dirty Den made a suggestion so hideous to Zoe that I wanted to scream - if Dennis won't impregnate Zoe, then he'll have to. He spends the week eyeing her up like a piece of prime steak. As Zoe says, 'This is sick.' She said it. Sadly, by Thursday his plan is put into action. Best to look away. Haven't the Slater girls had enough grim, unwanted male encounters to last them a lifetime? And it gets worse - Chrissie now wants Den's baby. How many more kids is this man going to be permitted to father? If we shout for help loud enough, will anyone hear us?

Emmerdale

So, finally, Sadie's weeks of scheming, smouldering over bribes with Cain and night meetings at the trusty cricket pavilion have paid off and she has wrecked the wedding. Patsy Kensit has grown into the part excellently, and is having real fun doing it, even though she never gets to change her camel coat. One has to feel sorry for Charity as, having rebuilt such a great wardrobe of clothes again, her fiscal security is now scuppered for a second time.

The discovery of a body on the moors on Sunday brings a week of unknown activity for Alan Turner. No longer lolling about like a beached whale in the B&B, he's allowed to walk, talk and, by the end of the week, appear on This Morning, making an appeal for the whereabouts of Shelly. It turns out the body on the moor isn't hers after all. He also gets to flex those sizeable leg muscles and on Thursday pays a visit to jail to see Steph, who doubtless has managed to customise her overalls into some sort of a cinchwaisted fashion statement, with hair decoration to match. Does any prison supply mascara? Let's hope. And the first unwanted pregnancy of 2005 is Debbie's.

Hollyoaks

Now that we are free of the uneasy emphasis on funerals and underwear - that was so last year - good-time girl Candy is in overdrive as full-time party planner for Nicole's 16th birthday on Wednesday. Hopefully it'll be more successful than her disastrous attempts at matchmaking Paula with Justin. Undeterred by being kicked out of the Owen's, next day she performs a full makeover on Paula and, by the end of the week, they're bezzies (Chester-speak for new best friends - not to be confused with bizzies, that's the police). Does someone pull a string in her back to make her talk like that, or does she run on batteries? And Darlene goes in for an operation on Friday, but as there's way too much hospital stuff this week, I won't even mention it.

Family Affairs

Now that there's a vacancy in a certain East End nail bar, Yasmin shouldn't hesitate to apply. Her impeccable credentials include being firmly welded to her novelty nail file, plus she would bring some desperately needed frivolity and glamour to Albert Square. And someone has to tame those wayward Walford cuticles.

Having gone smoochy eyed over paediatrician Dr John, it was pretty handy for Tanya that Sean died this week after being stabbed. It was not so handy for her that she subsequently failed to save the life of Liam (who stabbed him) who, entirely coincidentally, was in a joyriding accident and ended up in the same hospital. Being suspended from work, on Monday she awaits a disciplinary board verdict. On another ward, Geri has a successful bone marrow transplant, while Katie and Yasmin sign up for speed dating on Thursday, providing a spot of much needed light relief away from hospital watch.

On the parental tracking front - it's the new black - Chrissy traces her mother, who turns out to be a veteran of shows such as Dynasty, Howards' Way and Triangle. Yes, she of the over-arched eyebrow, Kate O'Mara, who appears on Friday. But can she really be Chrissy's mum? Apparently, she once lived in Dorking, but I couldn't see Kate O'Mara in Dorking.

Home and Away

Yabbie-dabba do! There's nonstop frantic hospital activity in the Yabbie Creek vicinity; the place is awash with potential donors, and I'm not talking kebabs. Flynn has to be the most overstretched doctor on the planet, so how does he remain so calm? There are never any other medical staff on duty. Even so, he still crams in a day away with Sally, just as Leah goes into premature labour with their surrogate baby... and there are double ops all round on Wednesday as Shelley kindly donates a kidney to Kirsty.

Being the resident Ray Mears of Summer Bay, Tasha extends her tracking skills to tracing her parents. On Monday, her mum Angie appears to her in a vision. Or nightmare. On Tuesday she discovers a hidden box full of guns and money - and two letters. Since she's more of an outdoorsy kind of girl, it takes her until Wednesday to read the contents - and so discover who her father is. Oh, and Kim punches Duncan on Friday. Hooray.

Neighbours

Having a rare blood type isn't particularly convenient when you need a liver transplant, as Liljana discovered this week. When all possible personnel - family members, friends, the cat - had been checked and rejected for compatibility, at the 11th hour someone divulged that Liljana had a secret son, who happened to be travelling in a truck nearby at that precise moment (don't ask). And, wouldn't you know it, the son, Luka, turns out to be the perfect match. No time is wasted as his portion of liver is removed and grafted into mum on Monday. Quick medical reality check - this is a viable process, the donor does not have to be deceased but, in reality, it would take between four to six months. However, in the magic kingdom of Erinsborough, it seems anything's possible in the space of two days. Coooo.