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Hey guys! I decided to make one small change to my author profile this year by changing my author name to M.A.Fernández. I also decided to take a big step, at least for me, in my writing “career”. It can be considered my first try and I was so nervous, but I hope you guys still enjoy it.

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I look into his eyes so wild so untamed. I see something else but it can’t quite be named. Maybe it’s fear or maybe it’s shame. I hear his words and think maybe it’s true, maybe we don’t need love, maybe we can choose. Maybe happiness is in the freedom that comes from being alone, maybe we don’t need another soul to feel at home. But if this is true, then why do I feel a greater peace only when he’s next to me. Why is it that only with him, do I feel free? We’re in a battle of loving and being unloved, with no help or guidance from above. We’re losing battles and hoping to win the war, while everyone seems to be keeping score.

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Sitting in class, in my first semester of my doctorate program in clinical psychology. I can’t help but wonder about, quite frankly, a little bit of everything. See I’ve been going through moments in my life that I would never be able to find a specific word to describe, which is why I decided to make a small article to share with you guys. First I’d like to start by stating that about two years ago I left home and by home I mean Puerto Rico, even though I think that home is more people than a place, home was in Puerto Rico, literally and figuratively. Yet still I left home, not because I wanted lo leave my home but because I was in search of something better, something that home could never provide, and so heartbroken an all I left home. I think home always understood even though I myself never grasped the feeling that everything was ok, that leaving was ok.

Here I was; a 21 year old female in search on labor opportunities and as many the pursuit of happiness. I searched and searched and though taking steps forward nothing felt right and I sure as heck didn’t feel complete, maybe I still don’t but that’s not the point. After spending 6 months in Connecticut, a year in Pennsylvania, obtaining a license in Personal Training (which I came to learn was not me) and obtaining a Master’s in Business Administration, still nothing felt right. I should feel accomplished but I didn’t, I didn’t really feel anything, This is where things get interesting, but I don’t want to give too many details because I don’t want to give spoilers to a future book I am developing, a book that will be fiction but that I will draw some aspects from my life.

Close to end of obtaining one of these different “tittles”, I was now a 23 year old female in an entry level job related to my college studies (psychology) and still I felt nothing. All I could think about was home, how much I missed home, how much I craved. But I had no excuse to go back, jobs would pay less and there was the little fact (sarcastic) of student loans. But I couldn’t take another minute in Pennsylvania, I hated the city, everything about it, to those who like it I’m sure you have your reasons, as I have mine for liking the country. I pondered what to do and it was a hard decision, if I were to come back home I needed a reason to come. After talking to many friends, I came to the conclusion that I would apply late to doctorate program. Agains’t all odds I got in, a story I will also tell in the future.

I backed my bags and sold everything I owned in a span of 7 days and took flight towards home. I arrived home and although everything was the same, everything felt different, part of home just wasn’t there, at least in the figurative sense. But still it was home and for the first few weeks I got to know my home as much as I could; I was still handing in assignments from my masters and starting my doctorate program. I felt good and I felt at peace, even with my incomplete peace. Then on the 20th of September my whole world changed and I mean this in every sense of the world. Hurricane Maria was passing through my home, destroying and damaging everything it found in it’s path, my aunts and uncles were scared, my animals were scared, my parents were scared, but for some reason I was not scared, I wasn’t even worried, I don’t even think I realized to what extent my home was being affected.

See but everything that begins, has an end and so Maria came and went. With it, Maria took the electricity, running water, cell service and many parts of my home. My house was almost intact after the hurricane past, but my aunts lost there homes, I had no way of communicating with my parents (who were in the states) or anyone for that matter. Two days after I started driving through my city in search of answers for my heart, I needed to know that my other home was ok. As I drove to where I would find my answers, my heart was torn my home was not the same, my home was damaged, my home was destroyed (which I will describe in greater detail when I publish my final book to a trilogy I am developing). I tried to shake the feeling but it was hard, everything looked dead and dark but I at least I was able to determine that my home was safe.

Now, close to two months after the passing of Maria I still have no electricity, running water has returned, although sometimes it leaves, cell service is never reliable, I have to drive 30 minutes to even think of using the internet or and hour and a half when I’m in school, I have to wash my clothes by hand and let me tell you something I feel blessed. I’m alive, my family is alive,my loved ones are ok, my parents know I’m ok, I have food and somewhere to live. I get to experience true silence and darkness at night, something that can be quite magical. My first book wasn’t launched when I wanted but still I was able to launch it. Being a writer in these conditions is definitely hard, being a new author and trying to share your book is near impossible, but I can still write. Even if I have to drive 30 minutes to charge my computer, even if I have to stay away from my house all day to access the internet, even if I have to charge my phone and Ipad in my car, I will still write. I will write because I am alive and I am blessed and those are the only two things I need to write.

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She said goodbye to another body she knew as home. Another soul that had almost become her own. But as much as she loved him, he never understood that home was never a place. Home were his arms, home was his heart. Home was something no one but themselves could tear apart. Home provided happiness like no other, because happiness was never about the places explored or the personal battles conquered. Happiness was seeing those beautiful eyes and smile time and time again. Home was about having a lover and friend. But home was a one way stream, home in reality was nothing more than a dream. An idea that was never fulfilled and was easily killed because at the end it was all about the thrill.
-M.Fernández

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He kisses and caresses her, tells her shes so sweet. That he has eyes for no others and she was who he was waiting to meet. Their interests and their taste just seem to align and everything seems perfect, everything seems fine. Innocent laughs, and gentle brushes,turn into misguided hands and sexual touches. Her mind tells her, just tells her too wait, it’s too much to soon it’s all so insane. But she likes the feel, the feel of being touched, even more she likes the idea of being loved. All the while her body betrays her and gives signs she dosen’t want to send. She feels weak and powerless she wants to give in, but this boy she just met, he isn’t even a friend. Yet some how some way she makes things come to an end. Thanking God she was still strong enough to pretend. But time goes by and they meet again and it seems this time she just wont withstand. Theres something about him she just can resist and everything seems so happy maybe this is finally her good twist. Maybe this is the happy ever after shes been so longing for, maybe this time she wont end up crying on the floor. So she gives it all, with all her might, she decides to give her heart and begin to fight. She fights for something that seems true and it almost seems like he’s fighting too. He wants the future and the happy ever after maybe this time it wont be a disaster. She slowly learns to love her self again, just like she did before she met them. But time passes and things quickly turn bad, and the soft and gentle kisses surely come to pass. The intense nights filled with passion soon turn to screams and dark actions and she cradles a body thats no longer there, that feels nothing for no one except for himself. But she holds on to an idea that dosen’t seem to pass, holding on to a misconception of something that wont last. She lets herself get quieter every time and the demons in her mind start appearing outside of nighttime. She wants to escape but dosen’t know how, she got stuck in a brutal love game and dosent know what to do now. So she closes her eyes and wishes for the best, maybe this was all some sort of test. A test she’ll never know if she passed or she failed, only that it took her, really nowhere. And she compares this with what she’s lived before and she finds herself, yes, thats right, crying on the floor. That place to which she vowed she’d never return, thinking next time it would be their turn. So she crumbles away within her heart, knowing again it’s time for a restart.