Soapwatch: Claudia Connell's ultimate insight into this week's soaps

Finding childcare in the real world, as any parent will tell you, is a tricky and expensive business. If only they could access some of those 24-hour, seven-day-a-week facilities that soap characters seem to get their hands on so effortlessly.

Take the Coronation Street babies – that must be some understanding child-minder that Kevin, Tyrone, Katy and Izzy have. It appears she’ll happily look after the kids from first thing in the morning until late at night, while her charges’ parents booze it up in the pub or the Bistro.

The wellbeing of children in Walford is a concern as well. Kat will make vague references to picking Tommy up from ‘nursery’, but who is looking after the twins all day while she works on the market stall?

Disaster strikes in Coronation Street after the minibus plunges off a cliff

Where are Janet and Lexi, while Billy and Lola prop up the Queen Vic every night? The kids of Emmerdale are seen a little more often but that doesn’t stop Marlon and Laurel constantly fretting over five-year-old April most nights... from their usual table at The Woolpack. Is it any wonder soap kids end up going so spectacularly off the rails?

CORONATION STREET: A CLIFFHANGER OF A COACH TRIP

After being named Greater Manchester Business Woman of the Year (no, you didn’t dream it), Carla decides to reward her team for their hard work by taking them all along to the ceremony.

What hard work? They make one pair of knickers a week between them and spend the rest of the time going on cake runs and asking for days off to attend to their dysfunctional families.

Nevertheless, ten of them all pile into a minibus driven by Steve that ends up swerving off the road and plunging over a cliff . Will they all make it out alive? I know who I’d like to go over the edge – let’s just say it’s a shame the whole boring Nazir family (and their wretched chickens), not just Alya, aren’t aboard.

Steve survives but, unable to cope, he walks away without trying to help any of this injured friends. When the police talk to him later he breaks down and finally admits he needs help for his depression. A few driving lessons wouldn’t go amiss either.

As the seriousness of the injuries – particularly Sinead’s – unfold, the street’s residents start to turn on Steve. Desperate and alone, he reaches out to his ex-love Michelle.

Linda prepared to go to the police to report Dean

Elsewhere, Gary avoids a prison sentence and Roy attempts to make amends for his attack.

EASTENDERS: LINDA GOES TO THE POLICE

It’s Mick’s birthday and, as we know all too well, Carter birthdays don’t tend to be happy occasions. Shirley arrives with a gift for her brother-turned-son and doesn’t miss an opportunity to lay into Linda, accusing her of lying about Dean.

The next day Mick takes Linda to the police station to formerly report the rape , and later they realise they have to tell their children what’s happened. They decide to break the news to Nancy and Lee over one of their famous family meals. Predictably, all hell breaks loose with Lee losing his temper and later attacking Dean.

It’s all too much for Stan, whose health is rapidly deteriorating. He asks a huge favour of Mick and Tina – and it’s nothing to do with borrowing Mick’s car or Tina’s fake tan.

Elsewhere, Sharon discovers Ben has accidentally handed The Arches over to Max and tries to reason with him that he should give it back. Three guesses how that works out.

Things aren’t looking good for Phil, who is still banged up, with no means to get himself out. At least it gives us the chance to count how many times he can say ‘Old Bill’ in one episode.

Here’s the crazy thing: the Mitchells know the truth about Nick being responsible for tampering with Roxy’s car, but they don’t want to get Charlie in trouble for harbouring his dad.

The scriptwriters have tied themselves up in knots with this whole Nick and Charlie fake death, fake copper storyline, and the sooner it’s brought to an end the better.

EMMERDALE: A REIGNITED FLAME FOR CHARITY AND CAIN?

Charity is back in court on insurance fraud and arson charges, with Rakesh – seemingly Yorkshire’s only lawyer – defending her. But will Charity’s cousin Sam lie on oath for her? Cain continues to provide support and even offers to take on Noah if Charity is sent down. That’s a bit rich considering he has nothing to do with his own son Kyle. Let’s hope this rekindles their relationship; Cain and misery guts Moira were never a realistic match.

Also, Emma, the Barton boys’ long-lost mum, turns up and wants to build a relationship with her most troubled son Ross. She should take care – Ross tends to get to know people by robbing them.