Thursday, March 27, 2008

Host: We’re going to see an utterly ruthless weapon capable of unparalleled destruction. The engineers at Lockheed Martin have been working furiously for the past five months to unveil their newest doomsday device exclusively to you here on Future Weapons.

[Focus on bald head, shifty eyes. Tableau. Deeper focus.]

Host: Tell us about your weapon.

Scientist: We’ve been working on this weapon for months. Properly wielded, we believe it’ll be able to take the lives of countless third-country souls. But its beauty lies in its production cost: three ha’pence a piece.

Host: Wonderful. Wait, what?

Scientist: The unit is assembled in Guernsey.

Host: Acknowledged. Let’s see this masterpiece.

[A 2x4 with a nail is swung at the Host’s head.]

Host: That was too close.

Scientist: As you can see, it’s an effective weapon. The swing alone took the lives of thirteen “terrorists.” Here are their bodies.

[Host watches bodies uncarted. Turns to see the nail impaled into someone’s eye.]

Host: How?Alright, I think what we can take from this is why does Lockheed Martin not register on MS Word’s spell check?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

My friends, forget the Law and Order scene, I’ve trumped it with something so delicious it would seem that my writing skill has been increasing exponentially.Without further ado, my absolute greatest work, my magnum opus.

We begin after Star Trek: The Next Generation’s series finale, after Captain Picard saves humanity.

"Ensign, warp factor ass, engage!"

"Sir, I don't-- "

"Number One, lock this ass in her quarters and activate a stasis field around her ass."

"Captain, that's impossible."

"Riker, do as I say. Warp factor ass, engage!"

Aside:"I don't know. Do you know what's wrong with him?"

"What's that muttering back there?"

"Working on warp factor ass, captain."

"Excellent.Number One, how is that stasis field coming along?"

"Captain, it remains impossible to isolate a stasis field around one woman's ass."

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The sand burned my feet and sweat rolled down my temple, around my jaw and down my neck.It was hot and dry but the beach breeze felt cool against my arms and chest. I dug my feet into the lower layers of moist sand and so did she.

“I’m not a boy,” she said handing me a Dixie cup brimming with rum and five cubes of ice.

“Stand,” she said.I stood.“Turn, please.”I did so.She pulled on the waist of my trunks, dropped an ice cube into them and laughed.

“You, madam, are a bitch.”I reached down and pulled out the offending cube and plopped it into her half-filled, iceless cup of rum.

“Damn,” she said still laughing and threw the warm rum on my chest.She poured herself another half-rum and we sipped.

“Garçon!”I called, but she’d already begun uncapping the rum.She took my cup and scooped more ice from the cooler before handing it back to me.She tipped the neck of the bottle into my cup until it overflowed over my thigh and crotch.The ice cooled the rum and the cold rum felt fine on me and she knew this and smiled.“And you?”

“I’m going to take a dip,” she said as she laid out a beach towel before my chair.She got on all fours and smoothed it out, pointing her ass at me with her knees together, reaching and arching her back like a stretching cat.It was a beautiful sight and she did it on purpose.She stood, reached into her bag, came to me, dropped a lighter and cigarettes on my now-dry crotch, and gave me a peck on my cheek. “I’ll be back in a few and we’ll have another drink,” she said smiling before running off delicately to the water, barely kicking up sand.

Mission Statement

I write because I like making people laugh. Some of my blog entries do so, most fail miserably.

No, wait. I write because I need validation. Those of my blog entries I consider failures are those lacking in comments. Validate me with comments whether they be constructive, or contain links to pictures of ghost towns. I do love them so.

Also, perhaps a tertiary objective completely unrelated to this blog, I love playing with wax and will one day fill a pool with molten wax and throw ice cubes into it. Wouldn't that be grand?