F or those of you who read my debate forum column on the economy recently, you probably noticed that I referenced the Tea Party and DVDA in the same sentence. Here’s the exact quote:

“Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and forward a political philosophy which has been sorely lacking since this teabag gargling nonsense finally went DVDA. (Wiki…I absolutely cannot explain DVDA in print)”

I find this hilarious, because the Tea Party is {f-king} stupid. Really. Really. Stupid. Stupid to the point that I’m willing to overlook basic rhetorical rules in favor of reducing an argument to hateful playground embarrassment. Basically, the Tea party is a bunch of people who, ironically, want to have a hippie sit-in and stop the entire world from functioning because they are irrationally terrified of change. Oh please dispute me…

Now this is where things took an interesting turn. It appears that far fewer people know what DVDA is than I thought. I assumed everyone had seen Orgasmo in college, or at the very least has some basic knowledge of ridiculous sexual things of this nature, and DVDA was common knowledge. Not so, not so, my friends. How little did I know.

For the record, DVDA refers to a mythical sexual technique known as “double-vaginal, double-anal”, and if that still isn’t enough for you,well, think a while. Nooow you get it. As in, four guys, one girl. In Orgasmo, the gag was that only the oldest, crustiest, blown out female porn stars who were desperately trying to stay in the game in order to score cash for heroin would ever engage in this act for money. So…yeah. It’s a beautiful Tea Party reference. But much to my suprise, I even had to spell it out for my wife, and I know damn well she’s seen the movie because we saw it together. In retrospect, any frustration I experienced from having to explain it to her was more than diffused for the following two reasons:

1. It has highly entertaining to see her try to figure it our with her fingers, (like you probably are right now) before summarily declaring it impossible.

2. It probably indicates she’s never done it before.

To be fair, she should probably reserve judgement given the skill set of an aged porn star, but the best part is yet to come. I submitted my column at the ass-crack of dawn, and promptly went back to sleep because I’d been up since 2:30 AM California time banging it out. Why? Let’s go with, “I’m a busy guy, and {f-k} off Captain Responsibility”. When I wake up, I stumble over to my computer, drink a sip of coffee, and casually check my email. Suprisingly, I have an email from my editor. It read as follows:

- Ben, dude. I love you, but we can’t use that DVDA stuff. Can you make some changes? I think you scared my intern when she looked that up. Don’t get me wrong, you can say fuck all day long, but this is a little much. Sorry. –

Oh wow. Before I could even mentally engage the fact that I had to do a minor re-write, my brain was flooded with images of her sweet, darling, naive little intern reading through my column, innocently typing DVDA into a search engine, and promptly degenerating from alarmed shock all the way down to abject horror before running back to the editor’s desk and desperately hyperventilating her way through an explanation like the traumatized kid they find in the ductwork in Aliens.

An hour later I received a second email.

-Nevermind. We’ll print it the way it is. But we might need a new headline…-

Looks like DVDA made the final cut. The first headline was “Use Toilet Paper, not a Tongue.” Fair enough. I can see how that might be a problem. I acknowledge that there is a difference between suggesting a sexual act and overtly describing one in a publicly available news forum. I suppose I just feel a bit like a textual sociopath because “the line” is always soooo far behind where I think it is. I have a lot of conversations that abruptly terminate with that observation.

I found out later that I had apparently shocked not just my editor but the entire office, and it took the hour between her first and second emails for the fractured Lord-of-the-Flies pandemonium to finally calm down into a level-headed assessment of what was actually written on the page. In my defense, I simply invited the public to look it up rather than spelling it out, and the readership should take some responsibility for that. Seriously, if you get an email from “Esta Busty” out of the blue requesting you visit her website and you get ridiculously offended when you click on the link, we should probably sit down and discuss how natural selection works in the digital age. And besides, take a second and realize:

THIS IS ME.

Have you read my blog? Jesus Christ, get the {f-k} out of here. For starters, I’ve been going to quite some length to do my little bracket-hyphen-bracket profanity thing you see in the previous line in the interest of maintaining some comfort for everyone who might accidentally stumble onto my blog. Now I get to say fuck all I want?

Fucking. Awesome.

Remember that one friends. Always, always bargain high and negotiate down. If you want a girl to sleep with you, ask for anal. By the end of the conversation vaginal intercourse will seem like you’re doing her a favor.

But seriously, I understand that the best way to get a teenager to read Balzac’s Droll Stories is to tell them they are inappropriate and they are not allowed to read them, but it’s not like I directed everyone to a video link that popped up on their screen with no warning and they had to stare at it for ten seconds to figure out that the thrusting Matrix-esque abomination before them was not a fourpack of bratwursts being shoved into two empty Pringles cans. You know, I had a friend who’s a computer expert tell me that apparently advertisers keep a list of what websites are viewed directly after an ad for their product pops up in the interest of monitering effectiveness. I would love to see the data on how many searches went like this:

1. Dayton City Paper – “debate forum left”

2. Wiki – “DVDA”

3. Google – “DVDA hardcore video bitches anal”

Probably somewhere in the ballpark of 49.2% of the readership. The other 50 some-odd percent probably did ‘Dayton City Paper – “Letter to the Editor”.’

Lastly, I suppose want a little {f-king} credit. Not for introducing a ton of readers to DVDA, FOR WHICH I SHOULD GET CREDIT…but for introducing the Tea Party to a website like Wikipedia where they can go and actually learn some facts about our country and what they are talking about. Think of how much better things would be if the average Tea Partier took a minute and looked up “Keynesian Economics”. At least we’d be confronted with an economic argument that is stupid on a level beyond a basic misunderstanding of economics. Perhaps they would be able to come up with something, dare I say it, useful? Probably not, but nonetheless I find inherent social value in sowing the seeds of information amongst a group of people who otherwise would still be sitting in a jungle somewhere vigorously rubbing two petrified turds together in a futile, hateful attempt to create fire.

I guess I’ll close out by showing you the final exchange my editor and I had regarding the DVDA incident. About five days after it was published, I sent her the following email.

-Just saw DVDA in print. Do I get a gold star or a barfy face sticker for the effort? -

Perhaps a bit too cavalier, but whatever. (Oh, and if you don’t know which cartoon the “barfy face sticker” reference comes from, might I suggest Wiki? For those of you who do know, stop and realize how blissfully lucky and carefree your childhood was during that golden time of comics.)

Her response?

-Gold star. Just warn me next time!-

Oh, I plan on it. believe me. I just can’t figure out how to warn about sending an intern to Wiki DVDA in a way that will avoid the trauma of explaining DVDA.

Unfortunately, Tea Partiers know exactly what Wikipedia is. It’s where they go to try to make the Paul Revere entry match Sarah Palin’s account of The Midnight Ride. As opposed to Conservapedia, where they get away with rewriting history.