Welcome to my blog created on Mother's Day 2010, after receiving a Stage3 breast cancer diagnosis. I posted daily for one year through "cancer camp." If you are a new member of the Sisterhood of Cancerous Breasts, I bow to you Sister, you may want to read from the beginning. If you are already a Follower, thank you Dear Reader, for your sweet company. Come in, make yourself comfy, and I will tell you a story. with love and faith, Writergirldreams

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

On a Horse With No Name

Today was another quiet day for me with very low energy. We are having a record breaking hot spell, and although we have air conditioning and I stayed inside, the heat really gets to my chemo self and has caused my arm to swell and ache again. I am flashing all over the place, all red cheeked and fanning myself like a Southern Belle in a petticoat. I sure hope it cools down tomorrow when I go to work. When you're bald and flashing everywhere, wearing a wig is like wearing a wool beanie to Death Valley.

I made phone calls today, scheduling initial consultations with both of the general surgeons that True North recommended. I meet with one of them next Monday, and the other on September 7. True North had also asked that I meet with her surgical partner, a microsurgeon she does all of her surgeries with.

Here is the dilemma. Both of the recommended general surgeons are on my plan and "in-network." So is True North. The problem? Her microsurgeon partner is not. I do have a PPO, but that doesn't help me much. The out of pocket deductible for an out of network provider is $500, and the maximum out of pocket for out of network services is $4,000.

Let's put it this way. With all this out of pocket out of network stuff, I may be shit out of luck using the plastic surgeon that would probably be my first choice.

That sucks.

Microsurgeon's office is going to contact my insurer, and I will talk to True North's Patient Coordinator, but I don't think there is any way to get around this. I've already met my deductible and out of pocket for in network. I just can't afford to take on another $4,000 in debt. Very frustrating. Will keep you posted how this goes. When I meet with the surgeons, I will ask for plastic surgeon recommendations if it does not work out with True North.

This is something I keep re-learning with this cancer thing, just when you think things are headed in a certain direction, it all changes again. It does you no good to sit in the saddle of this thing, facing the horse's ass, doing everything you can to get the horse to change direction.

You have to face the direction the horse is going.

This is not easy to do when you get these ideas in your head, or your heart set on what you should do and how and when and who.

You have to roll with it. Face the direction the horse is going, and just hold on to his mane.

My horse has taken me on all kinds of circuitous routes, damn, some of them so frustrating and challenging. No matter how I felt about the path, that didn't change it one damned bit.

You just have to settle down, weave that mane through your fingers and say "Ok horsey, nice horsey, take me where you're taking me."

ACS Relay for Life, Vallejo

When problems are seen as opportunities, adversity seen as a good education, and the belief that every single thing that happens in your life is connected to a larger unfolding good, no more problems, just transformation, embracing this fragile glorious imperfect life where every step, even the wrong step, is on the path and leads to growth and grace. So chill baby. You got this. writergirldreams