Pizza Shot Guys

Written By Chris C-Ford ---- Friday, April 25, 2008

Every once and a while, the Wizards have a promotion where a fan comes onto the court to attempt a 3 point basket. If he makes the shot, the whole crowd gets a free pizza. Last season I cashed in on an estimated THREE free pizzas. Plus I got the coupons from my friend, giving me lunch & dinner pizza each time. This was key because I had no money to purchase food.

This year ZERO people have made the shot. The people who did attempt it should be ashamed of themselves as I don't recall one shot even going close to getting in. I know you "shouldn't judge a book by its cover" (except harry potter, cuz that cover is sweet), but I can tell as soon as I see the clown they trot out there, that I will not be eating food the next day.

There are several varieties of "Pizza Shot Bums" and we have seen them all this year.

Hat Guy: This guy comes out with a baseball hat on. You know this guy is a bum right away because he is one of 5 fans wearing a baseball hat in the whole arena. Now does this guy remove his hat for his jumper? NO! Why Not? Because he is a bum! I scream "take your hat off" but to no avail. He doesn't even turn his hat backwards. Sure enough, he airs it. And what else could I expect, he can't even see the rim.

Collered Shirt Guy: This guy comes out to the court wearing his free Papa John's shirt OVER his long sleeve dress shirt. The sleeves are going to affect him, he has the option of wearing a t-shirt, but he chooses to make me want to vomit. He looks like a jackass wearing a t shirt over a collered shirt, but i guess he finds it less embarassing than showing his disgustingly girly body. I scream "take off your damn work shirt" but to no avail. He fires up a weak airball. Soup Kitchen for me tommorow!

Bad Dribble Guy: This guy comes out wearing the proper attire. Pizza begins to enter my mind. Then he is handed the ball and takes a dribble, usually through the legs to impress the crowd. I don't know if you have ever seen a terrible player try to dribble between his legs but it is disgusting. He almost loses all chance to have babies. He grabs the ball with 2 hands, drops it on the floor, jumps over the ball, and picks it up when it bounces up. He can't even dribble twice. I don't even watch, but the crowd tells me that unintentional bulemia is in my future.

Trash Talk Guy: This guy comes out like he just won the NBA championship before he even fires up a shot. He waves his hands in the air and attempts to grab the mic from Styles and screams some nonsense about loving Gilbert and being great. This is the guy that airs it the worst. I think it is safe to say that this guy will never see jugs unless he ponies up some dough.

Haircut Guy: This guy does not have a basketball haircut. Some kind of Curly fro or shaggy hair. I sound like my dad, but I have to scream "Get a Haircut" Yeah, maybe my hair is longer & messier, but I'm not taking the shot. Sure there are several NBA players like Kyle Korver, Ben Wallace, Old Andrew Bogut that have "hippie hair". But they also have mad skills. This guys hair tells me right away that starvation may be the cause of death. OMG he actually hits the backboard. The hair didn't affect his shot, his lack of athletic ability did however.

Other Guys Include:

Hooded Sweatshirt Guy

Pink Shirt Guy

Sunglasses On Head Guy

Old Man Too Weak To Hit Rim

I don't know how these guys get picked to do the shots, but good job Verizon, you are saving Papa John's alot of money...