Sparrow rules out Cock Robin inquest

Attorney general Dominic Sparrow has rejected calls for in inquest into the death of former scientist Dr Cock Robin. Mr Sparrow insisted that the evidence that Dr Robin killed himself was "overwhelmingly strong", and he had seen no evidence whatsoever to support allegations that he was actually murdered with "my little arrow".

Robin's body was found in the Oxfordshire woodland in 2003, shortly after he embarrassed his former masters the Hawks and the Weasels by leaking details of their hitherto unsuspected carnivorous activities.

A group of woodland creatures has mounted a long-running campaign for an inquest into Robin's death, pointing to a number of irregularities in the evidence which led to the original verdict of suicide. They argue that Robin's injuries were inconsistent with self-harming, that an absence of fingerprints at the scene was highly unusual, and that there was a large arrow sticking into Robin's heart labelled "Property of the Sparrow".

Eyewitnesses have been hard to come by after the Fly, who is widely believed to have seen the murder take place with his "little eye", was tragically crushed to death by a woodland police SWAT team in an unrelated incident. Another potential witness, the Fish, who allegedly got close enough to the killing to have carried out an abortive attempt to stem the blood flow "with his little dish", was said to be unwilling to testify after receiving a "thorough grilling" from authorities and being literally served up on a platter to journalists.

When asked whether this decision would put a stop to conspiracy theories, Mr Sparrow said: "The evidence is clear that Dr Robin committed suicide - he wasn't killed by anyone, and most certainly not by me, the Sparrow, with my bow and arrow, I killed Cock Robin. Oh bugger, what a giveaway."