20 Things We Learned From Women’s Magazines That Scarred Us For Life

The other day, I realized that I always put on my underwear with such intense concentration and anxiety that you’d think it was some kind of perverted carnival game. Why? Because I read in Cosmopolitan like six years ago that if you let your feet touch the crotch part of your panties while you’re putting them on, you will get some horrible vaginal foot fungus (it was discussed in an article called, like, “THE LATEST WOMEN’S HEALTH SCARE YOUR DOCTOR WON’T TELL YOU ABOUT).

The truth is, between the smoky eye tutorials and charming Taylor Swift profiles, women’s magazines also excel at scaring the shit out of you. I asked the rest of The Frisky staff about the freaky things they’d learned from years of reading lady mags, and we came up with the following list. Feel free to add your own in the comments!

1. That my death from a poorly sanitized nail salon foot bath is inevitable.

2. That any kind of pain in my abdomen is either an ectopic pregnancy or advanced ovarian cancer.

3. That my face is going to erupt into some sort of festering infection any second now because the makeup I’m using is more than three months old.

4. That if I’m not debuting a wild new sex position every night my partner will get bored with me.

5. That having hair anywhere on my body other than my head will make me a societal outcast who will die sad and alone.

6. That I am definitely going to get skin cancer due to my refusal to wear long sleeves, three layers of designer sunscreen, and a large sunhat every time I go outside.

7. Seriously though, that freckle? THAT FRECKLE IS CANCER.

8. That if we have sex too soon, the guy who was really into me before we fornicated will lose interest immediately.

9. That my portion sizes are 10 times too big and really, no matter what I’m eating, I could have made a healthier choice.

10. That traveling alone always leads to being kidnapped by a drug cartel.

11. That my inability to reach the “Big O” means there is something wrong with me, him, it, something. Something is definitely wrong.

12. That I should consult my horoscope before making any decisions at all.

13. That my gynecologist has been molesting me.

14. That it’s impossible to party every once in awhile without becoming another statistic in the BINGE DRINKING EPIDEMIC.

15. That if my boyfriend finds out I poop he will leave me.

16. That the only reason I don’t have Jessica Alba’s body is because I’m too lazy.

17. That my office chair is giving me scoliosis.

18. That my bra is giving me breast cancer.

19. That I’m not having nearly enough sex and will regret it for the rest of my life.

20. That I’m having way too much sex and won’t even live to regret it because duh, sex causes cancer.