Poetry & Art

I don’t know whether to think of it as a fresh start or a milestone, but it must be significant right?

It could be a new beginning. A new beginning to my mental health? A reset to my attempt counter? Perhaps a new beginning to my relationship with myself.

Or a milestone. For awhile I didn’t think I’d make it to graduating high school. But there I was, under that white tent, getting handed my diploma. Then I thought I wouldn’t make it out of adolescence, to my 18th birthday, 1 month later. But here I am, with only 4 hours …

How did my mind get so dark?
How do I keep disappointing everyone?
Why do they say those things?
Why do I say those things?
Who is the dark cloud hovered above me?
Who will I be once the cloud swallows me whole?
When will this go away?
When will I feel happiness?
What will happen if I go?
What will happen if I stay?
Where will I go?
Where will I be?

I came to share a story, and ended up staying a few days longer than expected. I am proud to have encountered each and every person that I’ve spoken with; regardless of what may, or may not, have been said.

My goal in life is simply to leave things better than the way I found them, yet I can not say with any certainty that I achieved that; though, I can, in one last effort, leave you with a few songs that may do what I could not.

I know. I know everyone says suicide isn’t the answer. I know I wouldn’t want my friends to commit suicide. I know this will hurt you. I know this will remind you of Sean. I know this will disappoint all my friends, my teachers, and my family.

And I know this is self centered and entitled; it’s pretentious and trying to sound too deep, but I don’t believe I was meant to have a happy life. I don’t think I was meant to grow old. I was meant to die early on, eventually forgotten.

It’s kinda a shit poem that I wrote when I was at a low point but I had the courage to show it to my sister and she laughed. I felt like I was gonna get a different reaction where she would finally realise “shit you need help” but I guess nothing changes in this shitty world.

Life itself

I lay here hopelessly upon my bed
Where words seem to fall but yet,
They never seem to leave my head where I sit behind a colourless screen and constantly keep falling in and out of a bad dream,
The net I cast to set me free only ended up tying

I’m going for a stroll tonight
Through the woods without a fright
Tired of putting up this fight
I need to escape from this life

Stars above me
Ground below
wind whispering all my dark secrets yet untold
I wander for miles
Looking up at the stars
My head teeming with voices
Who tell me a thousand lies

I take another step
To the edge of the world
As I look into the valley
I don’t feel the cold
But a strange sense of peace
For what’s about to unfold
I look up one last time
And kiss the stars goodbye
The voices now silent
As my life flashes before my eyes
I take one more step
One final deep breath
Throw myself to the rocky abyss
For one …