Letting Go

I’m angry. And I’m tired. My mind and my heart ache. It’s always a combination out here of emotional ups and downs from being around the refugees and then being personally challenged by exhaustion. I am at the point of constantly wanting to cry, and spending energy trying to hold it back.

I am not sure that by simply sleeping I would recover. I am not sure what I need to do or how to go about getting it. I just know that I am sad and emotional.

Taking a shower is an amazing thing. It did help, and although I am not magically ready to take on the world, I feel a bit better. I cried a bit in the shower. That probably helped too.

Walking through the camp today I heard my name a lot. There are many Khadijas in this camp, but only one “Hawaji” Khadija (the white one). They just don’t stop calling my name. I think mostly it’s that it is easy to remember, and I am easy to spot. I take their pictures, show them, and chase after them. I can’t help but play with the children. Today I saw Ibrahim who I met in March.

As we walked out of the school today, a tear ran down my cheek. I wasn’t able to hold it back. I want to suck it back in, smile and continue to play, but I didn’t have the power, it had been released.

After showering, I lay on my back in the dark of our new guest house at Feed the Children I close my eyes and reflect. I can be both sensitive, and strong. I can shed tears, and work hard to bring that passion and emotion through my work to others.

The generator begins to hum and think, “My heart is not aching, it is growing bigger.”

Katie-Jay keeps i-ACT running on several levels. Much of her work entails coordinating partnerships with other grassroots organizations and implementing the campaigns developed by Gabriel and seeing through the details. She graduated from Portland State University with a BA in Sociology and a focus on Community Development. She has previously worked as a community organizer in Thailand, Guatemala, and with grassroots organizations across the United States.

Even though it is 11:35 p.m. USA EST http://www.refugeedaylive.org/ is “showing” a repeat of some the live and recorded footage from this morning. Unfortunately the sound is all I get for most of the video. But the video is there a in a few bits, here and there. So I got to see Rahma and Raouda in the opening (which I missed this morning) and also Adef, Achta, Guisma, Bashar, Beshir and the new baby who is only 15 days old. Congratulations to Adef and Achta!

I noticed you got to see Ibrahim the son of Dajhima and the brother of Khadija. He was the only picture that I didn’t have of the family members that we honored April 18, 2009 here in Rhode Island.

While writing this they are again showing the opening of the live feed from Djabal…showing Adam, friend of Rahma, Sam Sam, Director of Obama School and I think the English teacher at the school, Annette, you, Gabriel, Ian and Eric!

I can’t imagine how exhausted you must all be. What an emotional day! And you said it is so hot. So without much sleep, it must be a draining experience.

So please, know we appreciate your efforts.

Here in the states all day, all that is on the news is Iran. Very, very disheartening to hear all the talk of the international community’s need to stand up for the Iranian people by the congress members, etc., but no mention of the Darfuris.

I wasn’t able to connect today, and my stomach dropped in disappointment. No internet. I think I may have been able to contact, in a smaller way, the kind of frustration, or feeling of failure, or sadness that comes from not being able to help. I sat in the 4c booth today, surrounded by face painting, sculptures being painted by kids, joy, abundance, and thought about the refugees. When I came home to see the footage, I was shocked to see celebration, joy, coming from the camps. A friend’s family helping dye sheets for tomorrow watched it with me. I pray that many people saw it. And I do know that what you are doing IS connecting the Darfurians to the world, because it is happening to me.

Thank you. Thank you for letting us know that what we are doing is working. That the faces and voices, and stories of the refugees are reaching the world. And reaching you. The Darfuri people are incredibly grateful for what UNHCR and the other organizations have been able to provide. And they love to laugh. I love to hold their hands and smile. I love that I know some of their names. They find joy in where they are in life, and truly wish for only a few things: to go home and to get an education.