Nancy Cameron in failed bid to distract David Cameron from cocking anything else up

Nancy Cameron has apologised to the nation after her bid to distract her father from cocking anything else up by hiding in a country pub ended in failure.

Although the prime minister’s daughter, eight, managed to abscond during a family lunch at the Plough Inn in Buckinghamshire, she only managed to get as far as the kitchens before Mr Cameron’s chauffeur returned to the pub to retrieve her.

‘My plan was to lay low in the soft play area while the family chose which car to be driven home in, and then stay on the run for maybe a month to six weeks so that my daddy would have to stop working until they found me,’ she said. ‘Everybody is always saying what a total cock-up he’s making of everything so I thought I would be doing the country a favour.’

Nancy added that she hoped that if Mr Cameron was ‘sick with worry’ about her, he might reverse his planned cuts to the Cameron family’s Peppa Pig DVD budget, announced during a recent family meeting.

But her plan was thwarted when she was seized and returned to the Cameron family, having interrupted Mr Cameron’s tenure as prime minister by just fifteen minutes. ‘Still, my little brother Arthur worked out that I saved the economy £280m worth of cuts in that time,’ she said proudly. ‘And at least I got on the news – they left Mr Clegg out in the cold months ago and I don’t think anybody’s even noticed.’