what a heartbreak feels like, in stages

breaking down in tears in public because of the tiniest little reminder that you didn't ever realize was a thing

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"i'm over it"

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breaking down again after you thought you were over it

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doubt in everything you believed was real

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frequently double-guessing why you're being so dramatic and letting this hurt so much

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heaviness & confusion, while simultaneously not caring about things you used to

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wearing a lot of baggy clothes and oversized jackets to express my new "i don't give a fuck" self

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queasiness/mild revulsion when thinking about being romantically involved again with anyone in the future

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fear

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Excited to lean into healing, wondering what it will look like on the other side. will I believe in the ultra-romantic, "true" love I once put all my hope in? Or is that childlike view of love gone forever? Can I get back there? Do I want to? Will it look like something completely new?

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Fear again. What if I can't love the next person better?

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Beginning to feel some magic creep up again when another person can get your heart to flutter.......