How to teach your body what food to digest calories and sodium and fat from. ( I would love to be able to eat hot wings all day and not gain any weight or have my blood pressure skyrocket.)

How to not kick people in the teeth when they say something stupid.

How to win the lottery without wasting your own hard earned money on lottery tickets.

How to form a healthy and satisfying sexually addictive relationship with your favorite British male actor that plays an American on a popular television show that will remain nameless. Essentially, how to get him addicted to your sweet, sweet vagina and all its powerful loveliness.