Fit for a King

God never gives up on us.

Once there was a king. The king had a servant to whom he entrusted a precious vessel. The vessel was somehow damaged. The servant's awe of the king was so great that he did not know what to do, where to turn. He found a wise man and sought his counsel. The wise man told him that he should not bring the shattered vessel before the king; it was not befitting. The servant decided it would be better to seek advice from one of the king's closest friends. The servant thought a person such as that would be more likely to have a deep knowledge of how the king would respond and would also know what course of action the king would take.

When he appeared before the king's trusted companion, he asked his advice and received the following reply: "I know the king's greatness and exaltation. A vessel such as this may not be placed before him. You must destroy the vessel completely."

The servant still did not know what to do and finally decided to go to an expert craftsman, hoping that perhaps he would be able to repair the broken vessel. He went to the craftsman, who told him that even if he succeeded in repairing it, it would still look damaged. Its appearance would remain marred; it would never be appropriate to take to the king.

The servant said to himself, I cannot act as though nothing has happened; I cannot absolve myself from responsibility. I will go before the king. Let him do to me as he sees fit.

The king said, "I will use the broken vessel. Those with whom you consulted responded as they did for the sake of my glory. I, however, choose to use the vessel as it is."

Fear Of Confronting One's Failures

God unveils His presence to those who are able to see. The awesome splendor of nature, the intimacy of Divine Providence, are visible to anyone who has not blocked his vision.

Feelings of spiritual inadequacy can be overwhelming."

When we seek to go beyond the blinders of ego, materialism, and escapism, we are still at times blocked. At times it's not what we don't see that causes our blindness; it's what we do see. When we let ourselves hear our deepest selves, the voices of inner wisdom of spiritual yearning, we are sometimes overwhelmed. We feel that "the vessel cannot be placed before the King." These feelings of spiritual inadequacy can be so overwhelming that we don't know what to do. We see our brokenness, and in sharp contrast we perceive the power and goodness of God. At moments of stark revelation, we tend to retreat. How can we possibly live with what we have become? The more honest we are, the less accessible teshuvah, repentance, feels.

Teshuvah, repentance, is a statement of God's very nature: His never-ending compassion.

The ultimate insult one person can give another is lowering one's expectations of him. The attitude "I would never expect any better from you" is not one of compassion. It is the most profound form of disdain. God does not give up on us. His exacting judgment, which we must face on Rosh Hashana, is real. We must not allow ourselves to be defeated by the dread this knowledge inspires.

God judges us, not because He wishes to punish us and see us get what we deserve, but because He believes in our ability to transcend our blockages. Even the most severe punishments ever meted out to humanity, such as Adam's expulsion from the Garden of Eden, were given to enable personal rebuilding of that which was broken in Adam and in the world.

We must not be afraid to approach God honestly.

Teshuvah is the key to our rebuilding ourselves. We must trust God's compassion and not be afraid to approach Him honestly. The month of Elul is the time of year when the spiritual nature of the season moves us toward Him and Him toward us.

Seeing Ourselves As We Are

Examining where our lives have taken us is the first step. The purpose of this is not to generate self-hatred or despair, but to seek correction and ways of moving beyond our present situations. We must be willing to look, not only at the specific actions that may be less than perfect, but at the character traits that motivated errors in moral judgment. When we content ourselves with superficial self-examination, our efforts are doomed.

I am a fairly unsuccessful gardener. The verdant plants I bring home from the nursery live very uneventful (and unusually short) lives. Part of the reason is that my own urban childhood brought me to maturity without the ability to look at two green shoots and know which one is a weed. When the shoots grow tall enough to make it clear (even to me) which is which, I tend to cut the weed rather than uproot it. The re-germination of aggressive and unwanted weeds is an eternal, unpleasant surprise.

Similarly, when searching for the "real" self, one must ask the basic question: why? Why do I do this? Why do I want this? Which basic trait is somehow contorted? Until these questions are honestly answered, the root of the weed is left untouched. There is still little awareness of which middah, character trait, needs to be corrected. The "plant," therefore, is very likely to flourish again. The same deed (or its very similar first cousin) is likely to be a prominent part of one's soul-searching next year.

What To Do With The Flaws

Character traits don't disappear. One of the most irrational decisions that can be made is the rejection of one's essential personality. Finding new and appropriate channels for the traits that are the least desirable is a challenge. Denying their existence, or attempting to eliminate them, is escaping the challenge that is part of one's very being, for finding a positive outlet for them often has the effect of uprooting the negative aspect of the trait.

To understand the mechanics of change, let us look for a moment at one of the most striking examples of self-change I have ever seen.

Irene's parents never wanted a child. Perhaps they wanted a trophy to show others, very much as they collect art and hang it on the walls of their exquisite home. Irene never felt wanted. This was not a matter of unrealistic expectations; it was a realistic acceptance of her status. When her parents' marriage dissolved, the custody battle revolved around who would be "stuck" with the child. She was raised from the age of eight by various hired women.

By the time Irene was an adult, her insecurity was a very strong component of her personality. We all know the forms insecurity takes. No friend was loyal enough, and therefore she constantly "tested" them until they almost always failed to meet her expectations. No situation was stable enough, and she moved from lifestyle to lifestyle.

I, too, was a member of the society of failed friends. I liked her and admired her enormously; she is a woman of rare brilliance and refinement. However, I was unable to give her the kind of unconditional support she needed and therefore demanded.

We drifted apart. I heard of her occasionally. She is an artist, and her works are displayed periodically in various galleries. One Elul, I wrote her a letter in which I asked forgiveness for having allowed our friendship to disintegrate.

As God would have it, I met her on the bus the very day I put the letter in my purse. As I handed her the letter, I did not know what her response would be. Would she trust my sincerity or would she see this as a sort of cushion upon which I could lean to alleviate any guilt I might be feeling before the High Holidays arrive? She smiled at me warmly, gave me her address and phone number, and invited me to her home.

In the course of my visit to her somewhat isolated house on a remote Israeli settlement, I found myself feeling as though the body of the person to whom I was speaking was Irene, but the person inside the body must be someone entirely different. The warmth, security, and genuine interest she showed in me and my life were completely out of character.

To uproot her insecurity, she wrote an account of every good she experienced.

As the sun began to set over the desert, I felt comfortable enough to ask her how she had accomplished such a major achievement. She knew exactly what I meant. She had decided to uproot the negative side of her insecurity completely. In order to do this, she wrote a brief account of everything good she experienced every day. She opened her closet and showed me a collection of tens of school notebooks. Each one was full, and each one was a statement of its owner's longing to free herself from the limitations that enveloped her. This changed her view of the Creator and His world.

Simultaneously, she decided to use her insight to zero in on other people's fears and insecurities and make herself a friend to many people who would never approach someone less sensitive to their fears. I felt that I was in the presence of one of the authentic heroines of our generation.

Mitzvahs: Their Place in the Cure

The Maharal speaks about the difference between positive commandments, in which the Torah tells us how to direct our energies, and negative commandments, various actions the Torah tells us to refrain from in order not to diminish ourselves. Both are necessary for us to retain the integrity of our characters. Therefore, when one notices that a certain trait is the root of behavior that is self-destructive, reestablishing a commitment to the commandments that are most difficult is a first step. When performed with the consciousness that what is at stake is not just a specific mitzvah, but also a redefinition of how one's traits can be used, there is a world of difference.

We must use every day that is left to see ourselves as we are. We must see our histories, our choices, our potential, our habits and hereditary tendencies. We must not be afraid to see the flaws; rather, we must take our broken vessels to the King and let ourselves be healed.

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About the Author

Consummate educator and internationally acclaimed speaker, Rebbetzin Tzipora Heller has been a full-time lecturer at Neve Yerushalayim College in Jerusalem since 1980, impacting the lives of thousands of women worldwide. She is the author of six popular books, including Here You Are, Battle Plans, and This Way Up. She recently launched a daily video program based on the timeless Jewish wisdom of "Duties of the Heart." Learn how to channel your emotions to experience every day with purpose, meaning, and joy at: dutiesoftheheart.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
D.,
September 1, 2010 6:55 PM

Response to Anonymous: question

Anonymous, I feel for you and your financial situation. I would suggest reading a page or 2 daily from the book A Garden of Emuna.Any time I go through a rough patch in my life I turn to this book, it helps me strengthen my emuna in Hashem and puts alot of things in perspective.

(8)
virginia,
August 26, 2010 4:04 PM

love our flaws--see their hidden beauty

a candle holder that doesn't emit or reflect light cannot do its job; my broken-ness lets more light flow into & through me, & those flaws? why not let them be facets that shine more or have a hidden quality that makes me more beautiful to G!d than i'd be w/out them. i can use them to render me more useful to G!d than i'd be w/out them. consider a diamond w/a chip--only a flower has been ingraved upon the chipped place . . . isn't it more valuable because of that? that's how we can perceive ourselves.

(7)
Anonymous,
August 25, 2010 12:24 AM

question

You have truly inspired someone with many issues to change but I need advice. I am overly anxious, compulsive about spending money, irresponsible at times, and worried about money (being unemployed since Feb. 09), which results in anger and breaking of Shabbos. My faith wavers and I have to remind myself that Hashem has helped me before and all will be okay, until I break down again. so what do I do, in the same vein that Irene did to improve herself?

(6)
raye,
August 23, 2010 5:54 PM

Almost a complete story of my life

When I visited my parents after my divorce, my mother told me that I had been an unwanted child. What a greeting after ten years of a childless marriage.

(5)
ruth housman,
August 22, 2010 2:38 PM

we are all of us, vessels

it is a deeply kabbalistic concept, and for me a deep, profound truth, and that is, we are all of us vessels, and can be seen as clay at the hand of a Master Potter. How we are shaped, through life experience, through genes, by sadness and through the alchemy of joy and the angst of life, determines who we are, as vessels, by any artist, by any potter, are so shaped.
As potential is contained by pot itself, we take these shards, when we are broken by life, and by some alchemy, something happens, and hopefully that alchemy again, changes us, deeply. Hopefully we learn love, we learn sharing, and the sensitivity of being broken. As to whole ness, we need the cracks as it is said, because that's how the light gets in.
There are levels to this story, and at the deepest possible level, we each have a story, and as stories are for climbing, there is a Master whose hand is everywhere visible, when we suddenly, see "the light".

(4)
Miryam,
September 29, 2004 12:00 AM

Great Article

Thank you for this article!

(3)
Anonymous,
September 5, 2004 12:00 AM

GREAT!

This was an incredible article! Couldn't have more timely and perfect for me to see! I look forward to more from Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller!

(2)
Anonymous,
September 5, 2004 12:00 AM

thank you

thank you so much Rebbetzen Heller for an inspiring Rosh Hashanah piece.

(1)
IlanaWald,
September 23, 2003 12:00 AM

The human quality of this approach is realistic.

The simplicity of this approach and making it simple hits the core of human emotions.