Shorts / Sh*tflix

From the makers of Qwikster, another new, completely necessary Netflix service.

Script

Sh*tflix

By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch

INT. WHEREVER - DAY
Stock footage: Netflix web page/logo. People watching TV.
Qwikster web page/logo.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Here at Netflix, we recently spun
off our DVD rental service into a
new business: Qwikster. But now,
we're doing what Netflix Instant
watchers have wanted for years:
putting all of our bad streaming
content on one convenient new
website: Shitflix.
SHITFLIX LOGO (same as Netflix, new word). Moving forward,
as the Narrator introduces new category, a mouse clicks that
category and we scroll through a few EXAMPLE FILMS.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Looking for Netflix Instant's vast
collection of straight-to-video
sequels starring a minor character
from the first movie? Head on over
to Shitflix.
CATEGORY: "Straight-to-Video Sequels." EXAMPLE FILMS: "Ace
Ventura Jr.," "The Grudge 3," and "Road Trip: Beer Pong."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And only Shitflix has famous
directors' terrible first efforts,
right at your fingertips.
CATEGORY: "Terrible First Films." EXAMPLE FILMS: "Money
Talks," "Chronos," and "Bound."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Remember those film recommendations
based on your interests, that
somehow don't interest you at all?
They're all here for you to ignore.
CATEGORY: "Wrong Recommendations." EXAMPLES: "At Close
Range," "Ever After," "MILF."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
It's perfect for people that hated
paying for all of Netflix when all
they really wanted to watch was
Disney Channel Originals...
CATEGORY: "Disney Channel Originals." EXAMPLES: "Princess
Protection Program," "Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure," and
"Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
...and the occasional documentary
about how horrible food is.
CATEGORY: "Food Is Horrible Documentaries." EXAMPLES: "Food
Inc.," "King Corn," and "Killer At Large."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Woody Allen is one of Hollywood's
most celebrated directors. Now,
with Shitflix, you'll have an
all-access pass to just his very
worst movies. From September to
Alice, Shadows and Fog to Scoop,
these are the films he's not known
for.
CATEGORY: "Woody's Worst." EXAMPLES: The above-listed
titles.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Shitflix proudly presents the
Internet's largest library of
Hispanic stand-up specials, while
also featuring all this random
British stuff produced between 1989
and 1994!
CATEGORY: "Hispanic Stand-Up." EXAMPLES: "George Lopez: Why
You Crying?," "Carlos Mencia: No Strings Attached," and
"Gabriel Iglesias: Hot & Fluffy." CATEGORY: All This Random
British Stuff: "Bramwell," "Noel's House Party," and "Rab C.
Nesbitt."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
If you're into shameless knock-offs
like Ratatoing and Transmorphers,
and who is?, sign up for a Gold
membership.
CATEGORY: "Shameless Knock-Offs." EXAMPLES: The above-listed
titles.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Gold members also get access to a
staggering amount of anime without
anything remotely sexual.
CATEGORY: "Non-Sexual Anime." EXAMPLE: "Dragonball Z," "Yu
Gi Oh," and "InuYasha."
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And just like Netflix spawned
Qwikster, Shitflix is proud to
present "What-the-Fuckster.com."
Recent movies that you've somehow
never heard of even though they
star multiple very famous actors.
NEW LOGO: "What-the-Fuckster" in "Qwikster" font. EXAMPLES:
"Scorched," "Wrecked," and "Grilled."
Over the following, the Shitflix logo.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So sign up today for Shitflix,
starting at $79.98 a week. Or go to
BlockBuster oh wait we bankrupted
them eat shit, also Netflix is now
just Memento.
Final logo: "JUST MEMENTO." With a single MEMENTO image.
END.