The Importance of Finding Ernie

George W. and Laura Bush did not want to ruin all those nice sofas and table legs, so before they moved into the White House they gave their cat, Ernie -- who has six toes, so all the more claws for scratching -- to a friend, Brad Freeman of L.A.'s Brentwood.

The White House revealed last week that Ernie is missing (perhaps gone off to form a support group with the Clintons' banished cat, Socks). Freeman has made sure that lots of lost-cat signs are posted in his neighborhood, which has had a dangerous reputation since the days O.J. lived there. "And my housekeeper goes to the shelter every day," said Freeman, telling the Washington Post he hopes the cat has been stolen by someone with a nice house. Worrying about Ernie has made him "very upset. In fact, I'm on heavy medication."

Noelia Rodriguez, the first lady's spokeswoman, told TIC yesterday that Ernie is still on the loose. "It's spring in Los Angeles," she said. "I doubt that he wants to be found."

Does this mean that Ernie has not been neutered? Rodriguez laughed and said she didn't know. "Only someone in San Francisco would be thinking about that."

THE PAPAL MARLON: RAI, the Italian state TV company, has asked Marlon Brando, 67, to play Pope John XXIII in a movie about him. "We approached Mr. Brando because he was considered as the ideal candidate for the role," a spokesman told the Mirror. "Facially there are some resemblances between the two. He seemed very interested in the part." No definitive deal has been struck; shooting is to start later this year.

THE RACE TO CHE: Two movies about Che Guevara, one by Robert Redford starring Benicio Del Toro, and one by Mick Jagger starring Antonio Banderas, are scheduled to begin shooting this fall, says the British wire service Ananova. Redford's story is about Che's trip across South America; Jagger's is about an affair between Guevara and an East German spy. A Jagger friend said that the rock star, who has temporarily forsaken music in favor of the movies, "knows that if Redford gets his movie onscreen first, they are dead and buried. "

THE KANBAR INVENTIONS: San Franciscan Maurice Kanbar, whose new book is "Secrets From an Inventor's Notebook" (Council Oak; $22.95), is the inventor of such products as the D-Fuzz-It fabric comb (profits from which would have enabled him to retire and support his family without creating anything else), Skyy vodka (which he says is uniquely guaranteed to be hangover-free); a medical gizmo that covers used needles and prevents needle sticks; the about- to-be-introduced Vermeer Dutch chocolate cream drink; and the wagel, a coarse peasant-bread product he says will be on your breakfast table someday.

His passion is movies. "I support the film industry," he says, including the San Francisco International Film Festival and the Jewish Film Festival. His contribution of $5 million to New York University helped create the Maurice Kanbar Film and Television Institute there; all profits of his book go to an institute scholarship fund.

Asked the secrets of creativity, Kanbar describes himself as perpetually unsatisfied with things as they are, and therefore motivated to change them. And "you cannot get a patent for an idea. You must carry an idea to a fruition.

An idea is like a handbook." A patent is issued to the individual who can show the first date of invention, the moment that a means for creating the product has been described.

And after that? "My 11th commandment," says Kanbar, is "thou shalt not bull- - thyself. Never say, 'They would buy it.' The question is 'Would I buy it?' "

LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH: A profile of Felix Dennis, creator of the hugely successful Maxim magazine and the 72nd richest man in Britain, reveals that one of his homes is Mandalay, an estate formerly owned by David Bowie on the island of Mustique. Dennis paid $6 million for the spread, says Vanity Fair, the price including "furniture and fixtures, sheets and towels, and Bowie's two pets, a calico cat and an overweight little dog."

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

"If I see another actress who looks great, I'll be the first to tell her, 'I like your body.' I look at her as inspiration, not competition." - Marlee Matlin in Fitness magazine.