The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ”And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n
roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the
balcony.”

”Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. ”I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

”All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest,
”But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

”But, Father,” protested the young priest, ”my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

”Yes,” replied the elderly priest, ”and I appreciate that. But the
flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church
roof!”

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. “You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.

“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”

Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
–
A. They can’t stand fast food.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they exist and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have similar to my character lines.

Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these
perceptions:

Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

Nearly 67 years ago I was studying in the Sick Bay on the RNZNVR HQ in Wellington when the Duty Doctor (A Surgeon Captain which is a Senior rank in the RNZN) came in for something as I was getting married in a weeks time I asked him if he had any advise to give a young fellow soon to be married. I still remember his reply. “NEVER marry someone for what you want them to be! Marry someone for what they are now. Because if you have to change them then they’re NOT what you want!”