Handicapping The New "Dancing With The Stars" Field

Receive the latest popcornbiz updates in your inbox

Ah, “Dancing With The Stars.” The perfect show for your parents to watch. Your mom loves the dancing. Your dad loves the hot chicks in skimpy outfits. Never has a show been so well suited to old people who can’t watch “24” on their current heart medications.

Well, this year, ABC execs pulled out all the stops and have assembled what many message board folks are saying is the finest cast in the history of the show. And why shouldn’t it be? The show gets huge ratings, and the stars get paid six figures to appear. It’s no shock the collective Q rating of the cast seems to jump on a yearly basis.

In terms of athletic ability and overall attractiveness, it’s hard to think of a more ideal cast. Attractive men. Attractive women. A pleasant dearth of senior citizens. There are even two solid villains here in Kate Gosselin and Shannon Doherty. How can Kate do this show with 8 kids sitting at home? Let’s just say that Cambodian nannies are more than happy to be paid only in socks.

So it’s a solid cast. But who will win? Well, allow me to put on my dancing fortune teller hat (which is made entirely of tap shoe bottoms) and divine the odds:

Buzz Aldrin (200/1): Hey, he walked on the moon. He never DANCED on the thing. Sorry, old timer. You’re out early.

Niecy Nash (100/1): The “Reno 911!” star may be able to cut a rug, but will viewers forgive her for both “Do Not Disturb” and “Chocolate News”? I say no.

Kate Gosselin (75/1): One of the most hated people in America now tries to win your hearts through the power of TANGO. I don’t see it. But having her kids home watching will give the ratings a bounce.

Pam Anderson (60/1): Your father won’t say it, but he likes his bimbos as bimboey as humanly possible. That will work to Pam’s advantage for a little bit. But eventually, the fact that she has two mylar balloons strapped to her chest will inhibit her dance moves. Also, Pam ain’t exactly a spring chicken these days. I fail to see how she advances very far, given that there’s no pole in the center of the dance floor on this show.

Shannon Doherty (50/1): Has an uncanny knack for inspiring hostility in even the most docile of human beings within five minutes of entering the room. If she and Pam aren’t pulling hair by Episode 3, I’ll be let down.

Aiden Turner (20/1): He’s on a soap. Whatever.

Chad Ochocinco (14/1): NFL stars usually do well on this show. But Ocho may be hampered by the fact that he’s completely insane. Also, given his play against the Jets, I’d say he’s lost a step. Or 30.

Jake Pavelka (10/1): THE BACHELOR: ON THE WINGS OF DANCE. See how it feels to be the one begging to stay, young man! THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!

Erin Andrews (8/1): The smoking hot ESPN sideline reporter and blog magnet has wanted to do the show forever and has some dance background as a former U. Florida cheerleader. And her appeal can only skyrocket now, given that she won’t spend any time on this show asking college basketball coaches how they feel going in to the second half.

Evan Lysacek (5/1): Hard to argue with a gold medal figure skater’s chances. But beware! Evgeni Plushenko could ambush the set and kneecap him at any second. Those Russians… very crafty.

Nicole Scherzinger (4/1): The lead singer of the god awful Pussycat Dolls can dance, and will not be required to sing on this show. She was born to win this.