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Why Are People Mean? Part 1

It is easy to understand the motivation(s) to get along with others. For starters, humans are incredibly social beings who need positive relationships. In fact, there really would be no chance of a society if people did not, by and large, cooperate with each other and get along.

Yet, people quite often harm each other, on purpose. (in other news, the sky is blue!).

But why is this? Why do people so often want to hurt and harm others? Decades of research indicates that there is much truth in the popular belief that people are mean to others in order to feel better about themselves.

Positive Distinctiveness

Social identity theory argues that humans have a basic psychological need for "positive distinctiveness." In other words, people have a need to feel unique from others in positive ways. As humans naturally form groups, this need for positive distinction extends to the groups we belong to. That is, we tend to view our in-groups more favorably than out-groups (groups we do not belong to). And as a consequence, we tend to see people who are not part of our group less positively than people who are. This is especially likely to occur when there is competition between the groups or when people feel like the identity of their group has been challenged.

Research in this tradition most often finds that people display in-group favoritism, and further, that degrading out-group members can have a positive impact on self-esteem and feelings of positivity towards one's groups.

Downward Comparisons

Social comparison theory argues that people naturally make comparisons to other people. And these comparisons can often make us feel worse about ourselves or better about ourselves. As we generally prefer to feel good, we are prone to making downward comparisons, or comparisons that enable us to look down on other people. Moreover, research based on this theory also supports the notion that people are more negative towards others when they have been insulted or belittled, and that this can make people feel better about themselves (it can help restore self-esteem). In one study, when people were told they were unattractive (using fake feedback), compared to being told they were attractive, they rated others not only as less attractive, but also less intelligent and less kind. Put succinctly, being insulted made people more likely to demean others.

Classical Projection

Frued argued decades ago that people cope with negative views of themselves by perceiving other people as having particularly high levels of that same negative view. Basically, say you are feeling dishonest. You are then more likely to see other people as dishonest, and this makes you, in a sense, feel more honest yourself.

Research supports this idea. In one study, when people were told they were high in anger, they were more likely to perceive another person's behavior as exhibiting anger. And, in doing so, they had less angry thoughts themselves.

Ego Threat

Researchers have discovered that it is threatened self-esteem that drives a lot of aggression. In other words, it doesn't really matter if people feel good or bad about themselves in general. What matters is that people, in that moment, are feeling worse about themselves than usual.

This line of research has found that threatened self-esteem is associated with a wide range of heightened aggressive behaviors. For instance, when people are insulted, as opposed to praised, they are more likely to force another person to listen to obnoxious noises.

Summary

Whether it is as a means of promoting our groups, or ourselves, we tend to be more aggressive when our self-worth has been challenged and we are not feeling particularly positive about ourselves. When our self-esteem is threatened, we are more likely to compare ourselves to people we think are worse off than us, to see other people as having more negative traits, to degrade people who aren't members of our groups, and to become more directly aggressive towards people in general.

When you insult or criticize someone else, it may say more about how you are feeling about yourself than the other person.

I wonder why this happens. There must be a third factor to explain the connection between self-esteem and meanness. My self-esteem is generally a bit on the low side, often dipping even lower when I have one of my frequent set-backs... but I always try to avoid being mean. I think I'm generally pretty successful. My social skills aren't great, so people might think I'm aloof, rude, self-absorbed, or stupid, regardless of what my intentions are, but I don't think anyone would call me cruel.

Am I mean without knowing it or have I managed to avoid this problem somehow? Maybe it's because one major pillar of what self-esteem I do have is my niceness. I've had people praise me for being nice, even though I have a lot of room for improvement. So if I were mean, it would obviously make me feel worse about myself instead of better.

I have had the same thoughts as you. My self-esteem is on the low side, I can't tolerate people being mean, and I am never intentionally mean to anyone. (even if, like you alluded to, my general awkwardness may make me seem aloof and uninterested, and hence rude, to some people some of the time).

So how does this fit with this research? I think some of the seeming discrepancy is that this research really is't indicating that people with low self-esteem are more mean than people with high self-esteem. It is indicating that people with low self-esteem are likely to be more mean when they feel bad about themselves relative to when they feel good, and that the same applies to people with high self-esteem.

So even if you are very nice, maybe you are slightly more mean (but still less mean than most people) when you feel really, really crap?

I actually think there reaches a point where feeling bad about yourself has the opposite effect. So people with very negative self-views or chronic very low self-esteem or who just feel like total crap compared to usual, become almost more nice, or at least, apathetic. At that point, you sort of lack the care and energy to promote yourself above others.

It is also possible that some people, regardless of chronic self-esteem or momentary self-feelings, just are so high in empathy (or maybe just so sensitive themselves?) that they are just exceptions to the rule. Or, like you said, maybe if self-esteem is bound to your niceness, the same sorts of findings that typically occur weaken.

It could be all these things. But you are right. Sometimes the nicest people basically hate themselves. And the people who love themselves (narcissists - well at least explicitly they do)can be the most mean.

People who are insecure but don't act out...are NOT cruel versus People are insecure and act out. Thus, this can go from a FEELING to an ACTION.

But personally I think "insecurity" is not what drives cruelty -- it's being JUDGMENTAL -- this can be mild meanness to outright racism and eugenics for example. Therefore, you can go from a THOUGHT to ACTION.

Being judgmental breeds negativity and insecurity in others; therefore JUDGMENTAL IS WORSE THAN INSECURITY -- IT IS the number one trouble-maker, it creates separateness and can become a strong form of HATE. This is how a lot of BULLYING/hate begins.

Because our part of the world pays homage to "survival of the fittest" --- highly judgmental is part of the game: ME VS. YOU (I'm top-dog, you under-dog). And people/groups who do the judging never take responsibility for creating negativity/HATE -- unless they get caught or your name is Paula Deen.

hi anonymous, yes I agree that being judgmental is more the cause of being mean than insecurity. when people are feeling insecure come off as annoying, or needy, in need of reassurance, neurotic, harmless. and it usually results in inaction because it can be paralyzing!

when you are feeling judgmental you are comparing someone to your own values or traits and finding them to fall short. it is a Me vs You type of thing. Superiority vs Inferiority. and it is more likely to manifest as attacking someone else, whereas insecurity usually manifests as attacking your own self. therefore I do not agree with the author that insecurity is what causes meanness.

I think "being mean" is too vague to be useful. Note, for example, that whether you are "being mean" is determined by the receiver, and they have interesting ways of defining things. I've been described as "mean" many times by many people. I bitched out a coworker and got called "mean". Why did I do such a mean thing? Because she stabbed me to make me move over and give her more room. I've had "friends" describe me as "mean and stingy" because I won't spend my paycheck buying them booze, lend them my car, pay their rent, whatever. To hear the stories told, I'm just a hateful, selfish, bitter bitch, and they will never mention their own attempts to weasel me out of whatever they want. My ex told everyone I was "mean" and "cleaned him out when I left him for no reason". His friends were confused when they went to his house and discovered that everything was still there! I was so very mean that I took what I had before I moved in with him.

I think being mean is intentionally being cruel to someone else. I don't know you, but I have been called "mean" too. Once was for cutting someone out of my life who was dishonest, lied for many months about a drug addiction, including doing drugs in my house, and used me. I made the decision and stuck to it, the person wasn't someone I wanted to associate with anymore. That made me "mean" "heartless" in his eyes. By his definition, "nice" would have required me to take him back, let him live with me, support him financially for no reason, and believe him. It would have meant not caring about smashed property and trust and stress and respect and risk.

I try to avoid conflict and people tell me I am very harmonious. I had a close friend who was difficult and had a lot of issues but was also really fun and intelligent. We had a falling out. I tried to leave the relationship on good terms as possible, but she wanted to fight, and I ended up losing my temper and saying a lot of mean things that I regret. I wish I had told her the way I felt in a more respectful and kind way. She wasn't a good friend, and I got betrayed, but I still wish that I had been nicer at the end because the way I acted hurt me too. I was mean because she hurt me. When I admitted that to myself, I started to get over it. I also started admitting to myself what types of people the people I was "mean" to were. Users/betrayers/people who are trying to freeload...stop caring about their opinions!

If people, like that coworker, are telling you you are mean, maybe you should keep your thoughts private and just act them out. Don't tell the person how you feel just treat them the way you see them. It might be less honest, but it works better for me. Most people are not open about their negative feelings about people. It seriously puts you in the weaker position if you do.

there are so many instances ESPECIALLY THROUGH VERBAL in using that through meanness. LIke if a person says something very hurtful to you on a one on one and your displeased. if you are at work you have to find some place to put the emotion so you don't go off. This is very hard especially if that person is comfortable in doing this again and again. (mean viscous people are taught how to do this) so keeping it private and placing the emotion in a happy place that no one knows about is how to release and forget this person and then that person won't know because the cycle has stopped.

THIS IS NOT EASY THOUGH ..... ESPECIALLY WHEN IT IS A DIRT BAG. BUT I'VE tried this technique and it works.

- apologies from a human being about what happened to you at your home. I know sometimes we have to be hard even when we are good natured.

Because the current definition of a human being only permits us to view our selves as animals, albeit "intelligent" animals. As unique individuals, humans are even more complex than we can imagine, and this "antiquated" definition needs to be revised to supply a broader perspective. The current definition is restricting and limiting. For us to understand even our own selves and to gain confidence, we must have a model, and personally I agree with the new definition as put forth by independent researcher Richard Crant which states that humans are; "Absurd and paradoxical, sentient beings of essence and inference" Crant 2012 [1]. Seeing this has given me the model that I needed to find my own expression and see my self as unique, valid, and vital to the whole as humanity is.

the article was good to read. I'm trying to get closure or wrap my head around why some people are so mean. I had a mother that was relentless, 24-7, in absolutely pounding in my head how terrible I was. telling me everyday to go and do all of them a favor and kill myself. We don't like you, your worthless. The worst day of my life(my mom speaking), was when you were born. Thank God that I am a loving, compassionate person, who was a paramedic and loved doing wonderful things for others. If I can do something for someone today, I'm happy. I just cant understand how someone could be so mean to their own family. It haunts me.

Some people just enjoy hurting and getting one over on others - personality disordered individuals, sociopaths, psychopaths...human predators. As a society as a whole we have developed enough awareness to know when our self esteem is low and, as some of the other posters have mentioned, people who are low in self esteem are often kinder b/c they know pain and have the grace not to inflict it upon other.
On the other hand some people hurt others for the very simple reason that they can and they derive personal satisfaction/pleasure from it and, in a relationship, giving them the "low self esteem" or other ways out mentioned in this article, only has the potential of giving them the power to continue to perpetrate abuse.
I would have expected an article on this subject in Psychology Today to be more compreshensive.

There are many people with low self-esteem who are very nice and generous and giving! When I think something mean, its usually when I feel unhappy with my life, judgmental and superior of others, and self-confident. Its also usually for something that I have been judged harshly for by someone else before. I try to notice it so I can stop it.

Meanness and cruelty in my opinion come from hatred, disgust, and the desire to punish and inflict pain on someone else. If you have really low self-esteem you don't want to hurt other people, you can relate to people who are suffering or weak. The people who are mean and bullying probably were bullied in the past and never dealt with their negative experiences or came to terms with their vulnerability so instead they prefer to inflict the same suffering on other people to cope. Screw those people and their power trips!

This just gives people who act harmful, a free pass, and promotes blaming good, nice people as "weak."

I have been around narcissistic people! Sure, they may appear like they need admiration. Okay, so praise them, and see what happens..It makes them worse! So much worse! It just empowers them to be abusive. What they lack is a) genuine connections to other people and b) realistic self image. They get better when they are able to connect to their own emotions, and when they stop getting praised excessively.

Kind of off topic, sorry. But no its really annoying to see this claim that meanness is caused by insecurity about the self. I don't like all this doubletalk. People who are mean, feel mean. People who are manipulative are aggressive. People who are weak feel weak. We need to stop giving free passes and digging deep to understand the deep inner causes of these things because it ends up making sympathetic people more easily manipulated and intellectual people more permissive. Bad behavior is freaking bad behavior, so try to stop it in your own behavior and keep the people who insist on behaving in negative ways out of your life. We are not "all narcissists" deep inside.

After giving meanness some thought. I do not believe people who have been wounded ,necessarily are the wounders. I am a wounded healer. I work as a nurse and treat all patients regardless if they are drug abusers or kings or queens the same. I do not show favoritism. I also give to the homeless by going out on the streets and finding them. I have been bullied my whole life and refuse to bully others. Why are some people mean in my opinion is because inside they are very angry individuals,they are angry for being angry.The real jelousy is seeing others in peace and happiness. That is the real jelousy.I have met homeless people who are more happy than a coworker, who has money, friends, family. Why because they are Jelous of being an angry, jelous human and it gives them a sense of relief to make someone who is kind and peacefull a taste of their never ending battle of dysfunctional emotions of anger and envy. SO they want to share their anger, their frustrations, their Jelousy with you so they don't feel so alone with their disorder in this world.

I believe that people can be mean in order to try to put themselves above others and occasionally when they do so they derive a high out of it; they feel exuberant, no matter how false their claims are. When I witness this, when I am the target of such behavior, I often fail to correct it in the other person, which would mean putting them in their proper place in order to protect my own self esteem. The funny thing is, if I were to call them out on their behavior they would probably imagine that what I am doing to them is what they have done to me, and yet they will never see that it is just a taste of their own medicine, because they are hell bent on enhancing and protecting their own ego. Look at it this way, if you are of a difference of opinion with somebody else, and you are each trying to prove your point in order to reach a clear outcome, which would mean you can both learn something out of the encounter, in a respectful manner, and they decide, out of frustration, because they are likely to feel that they cannot prove their point, so they begin to attack you and to put you down instead, which is to say they move away from a position of mutual respect and become disrespectful, playing off the idea that you are not of significant standing to even question anything that they say, then you are dealing with someone exhibiting anti-social characteristics, underlying low self esteem, because they are fighting dirty as hell to protect their ego, which is why they are so quick to attack yours, which really makes them look very petty and malicious when you are able to keep their garbage at arms distance. Generally speaking, I've noticed that a lot of people do not engage in conversation to discover the truth, but they often engage in conversation in which they often rely on logical fallacies in order to generate and introduce false ideas, which they pretend to standby at your expense. The later is very common. It's as if someone asked you what you thought about oranges and you told them that you didn't like them. And then they were to pause and ask you what you thought about apples, and you said they were delicious, and so they dishonestly conclude that you were being dishonest about your dislike of oranges and that you actually find oranges delicious. A lot of it has to do with the principle of substitution; they simply fill in the blanks any way they want to, and so they aren't worth talking to at all. They are simply dishonest and malicious when it comes right down to it.

Yup, that's basically me. Losing my mind, friendship, respect and eventually money. Yup, we go worse to terrible, we are the scum and we can't change. We love me some power trip and belittling others and we were victims in the early childhood and we all take it back! But at a price not worth paying.

I don't think, I can ever be mean to anyone. I do have low self esteem, but I prefer to be positive instead. I'm a little over weight. I prefer myself as i'm extra healthy. I cant be negative anything. I always thinking of my heart and how can I be a real model to my children. THAT'S JUST ME

I have noticed in some people, the mean ones I mean, is that when they see how nice I am, they look at it as a weakness then try to find cracks to get in and disrupt my niceness. other nice people that are really nice, really like me cause I'm nice like them and they appreciate it. I have this Job in Yellowstone Park as a security guard. I am here to help people not be a jerk to them, and they love me for that. it pays to be nice. makes me feel good too.

Another thing I noticed about mean people is that they will become increasingly hateful and verbally abusive if you do not check their behavior. And even when you do, and they stop trying to shift the conversation in a dozen different directions and you have pinned them down to the point, and you think you have finally gotten them to acknowledge that there is a problem, don't be surprised when they turn around and laugh it off and engage in the exact same behavior a couple of seconds later. What I found out was that you often have to fight fire with fire. When someone is just being totally disrespectful you have to push it right back up their own nose, so that they can take a good whiff of what they are trying to bury you under. Generally speaking, they will run off to the nearest authority and plead that they are the victim of your abusive behavior. This happened to me in an office setting, and I am glad that it did. The woman actually had noted every kind thing I had ever done for her in her complaint to our employer. Her angry conclusion was that I thought I was morally superior to her. In other words, if you turn the other cheek and show kindness and humility in the face of blatant aggression and cruelty, you may unwittingly be encouraging the cruelty and expression of anger in other people, because they may be getting a big lift out of such expression. You may be, and likely are going to be, the only person in the world who is going to stand there and take their nonsense without immediately and justly retaliating against them. Probably the majority of people are relatively highly vigilant with regards to how people address them and speak to them and are quick to anger against any offense. There are then plenty of people who test others to see what they can get away with. The more you let them get away with directing their inner anger against you, well it is like water traveling along the path of least resistance. I would not call it "human nature", which is what people say when they conclude that the behavior is natural and inevitable; I would rather call it by what it is, "animal instinct". One day I challenged another woman on what she referred to as "human nature". I asked her that if it were true that the behavior she was describing was human nature, then what of the opposite behavior, wouldn't that be human behavior as well? She reluctantly gave the opinion that the opposite behavior would be "moral behavior", something she apparently looked down on. Not enough drama in it for her, I suppose. A lot of people never mature. Never, even if they live to be one hundred. And I have to say that I respect my friends who were quick not only to challenge disrespectful behavior from others, but who were also quick to use their fists, against other men, when it became apparent that words would not do.

you hit the nail on the head, beautifully said. it describes a psychopath or a sociopath. I think one component they simply don't have is the ability to have a close personal connection to people. No feelings, no warmth, so hugs. all they feel is jealousy and anger. It makes those people really mad to see us happy. they hate it when someone is happy and all they want to do is take that away. they can never be happy for someone when something good happens. they are just jealous and that turns to anger. My boss is this way. lonely but to narcissistic to admit it. his ego is as big as Yellowstone caldera. they are experts on turning words around and hitting people back instead of admitting they are mean. no feelings, no regrets. no remorse.

yep. they hate it! especially say working at a job for 6 months and how some men now abuse women at work because they think our rights are stripped. and I wore makeup and worked in the bakery fighting sexual harrassment from some mexicans and then went to the time clock and punched in and this "secret" abuser said "you look really pretty" like I don't know that already. I said excuse me I have confidence it just that you don't see it because your soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo freaking mean. I think the mental health industry brain washes sociopaths to be cruel to people that don't deserve so much abuse in society to feed their own insecurities. people are beyond stupid nowdays. i blame recreational drugs. and false hiring techniques with neoptism and favortism at the job and men think they can be free to do whatever they want without consequences. Spanish and black men are so dysfunctional nowdays and it will soon fall like a deck of cards. just wait. it's coming. :)

I have noticed in some people, the mean ones I mean, is that when they see how nice I am, they look at it as a weakness then try to find cracks to get in and disrupt my niceness. other nice people that are really nice, really like me cause I'm nice like them and they appreciate it. I have this Job in Yellowstone Park as a security guard. I am here to help people not be a jerk to them, and they love me for that. it pays to be nice. makes me feel good too.

I read an article about bullying that had current research about bullies and I believe it relates to this article. It used to be thought that people with low self esteem bullied others to make themselves feel better. What has been found is that that is a myth. It is actually people with high self esteem that are more likely to bully when their inflated view of themselves is threatened as this threatens their social status. They will then bully others to make others feel bad so they can feel better than them and increase their own level of self esteem and social status. People with lower self esteem don't usually have a high status so they don't have as much to lose if their self view is threatened by failure, poor performance,public embarrassment et .
I also have struggled with low self esteem off and on through my life and people in my life would never consider me me! I have always believed that the low self esteem explanation was not the full story when it comes to mean people.Definitely some narcissistic/antisocial aspects were being overlooked.

Mean people either want to fuck you, they want to be you, or they want to be your friend. Their meanness essentially amounts to these people's innability to have their needs met. One could say they have "control issues."

well they certainly doen't want to be my friend so we can scratch that one off the natural selection list. and by fuck you literally in the head? and be you wtf?

JUST BE YOURSELF. UGGH..... AND I LOATHE CONTROL FREAKS MALE FEMALE SHIM I DON'T CARE SOMEONE WHOM CONTROLS SOMEONE BASED ON THEIR OWN SOCIOPATHIC NARCISSITIC NEEDS IS WIERD. AND PEOPLE CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM. wierdo bizzare society we have. very bizzare.

I've never actually been mean to anyone in my life. But there came a time this year after being treated less than favorably by two people that all of a sudden I decided to be mean. I guess you get pushed and pushed and you can only get pushed so far. I did feel initially really bad about being mean, which is comforting to me as it lets me know I have that ability to feel guilt and empathy. But after I got over that, I actually felt good about being mean and wondered why its taken me so late in life to realise that nothing bad happens when you're mean and you know, some people just really deserve it. I recommend being mean but save it for extra special people.

It is obviously engrained in a persons brain to be cruel. I was bullied at Junior school because I was introverted and didn't fight back.

I have been bullied by occasional people at some of the jobs I have done.

I have been recently verbally bullied by a neighbour. . like 'you look like a Morlock, Gargoyle or Monkey. Or a dirty prostitute and just today, 'Her mom should have had an abortion'. It hurts badly and eats in to your confidence.

At the end of the day, these bullies are sick, sad people who have no real life and get enjoyment mainly through hurting others. They need help. Not the nice people.Perhaps one day they will suffer the same treatment, I am sorry but I really hope that day will come.