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Friday, December 21, 2012

Rantin' and Ravin'

I want to open a club called "The Rant & Rave" where you can get on the open mic to rant about something that bothers you while house music plays and strobe lights flash.

Anyway.

Today I want to talk to you all about something near and dear to
my heart: the get-a-grip friend. I started thinking about how
everyone really needs one the other night when I saw a commercial for
some supposedly magical skin cream that basically came right out and
said "YOUR FACE IS MAKING MEN FLEE IN TERROR, BUY THIS LOTION."
Didn't even try to hide its marketing strategy.

No, seriously -- they have this standard issue "average-looking
relatable lady" looking in the mirror disdainfully and saying
"no WONDER men look right through me." And all I could
think was "Can I just save the money I'm sure as shit not about
to spend on this face cream and use it to buy this poor woman a
FRIEND instead?" Because really? And this is a factually undeniable, universally
true statement: If you are looking in the mirror and thinking "this
visual fart of a face is the root of all my problems!" then you
don't need a fancy sounding lotion, you need a GET-A-GRIP FRIEND. You
need someone to grab you by the shoulders and say “GIRL. NO. Men
look right through you because you have such crap self-esteem that
you spend your leisure time sitting in front of a mirror pawing at
your supposedly grizzled mug in disgust. Let's go out for
cheesecake.”

And I think that's a problem a lot of
women have: they don't have a get a grip friend. And I can understand
why, they're hard to come by and can be hard to keep around because
sometimes the grip-getting can be hard to hear. I mean, if you've got
three friends that agree with everything you say and one who
occasionally says, “Honey no, that's an awful idea,” she probably
isn't gonna be the one you pick to be maid of honor because
whatever-she-just-doesn't-get-your-genius, but you NEED HER.

Now I'm not talking about friends who
belittle all your ideas or judge you or treat you like you're stupid.
Those are not get-a-grip friends, those are assholes. They're easy to
come by, you don't need to keep them. Let them float on away like
stank on the wind.

But I think we ladyfolk sometimes
default to this style of friendship where even when our friend is
talking crazy, we smile and nod because it's easier to avoid the
confrontation (and then talk about how nuts she is with a different
friend later). But we need more get-a-grip friends in the world.
People who can support their friends, but can also say...

“No, I DON'T think you should get
that tattoo on your forehead, you've been drinking.”

“Quitting your job to start a meth
lab isn't as great an idea as you think. The hours are probably crap
and also you might get blown up.”

“Harem pants are not a thing. They
look like they were designed to allocate space for your adult diaper
full of poo.”

“Sure, a pet chimp SEEMS like a good
idea at first, but they'll eat your face.”

“Should you give your ex-boyfriend a
second chance? If he's got no chance for parole, he's got no chance
with you.”

So please, if you have a get-a-grip
friend, cherish her. If you don't, I hope you find one soon. And if
you ARE the get-a-grip friend, the world thanks you.