People Just Do Nothing (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Godfather

1
# Hype, hype, riddim, riddim
Hype, hype, riddim, riddim
# Hype on the riddim,
it's aboom seleck!
# Hype on the riddim,
it's aboom seleck!
Hype on the riddim,
it's aboom seleck!
It's DJ Beats right now.
It's MC Grindah right now.
And what time is it, Grinds?
It's about grime time!
What's changed since
we were last here?
Erm, subs have gone up 50p. Yeah.
Innit? Yeah.
Decoy's got a new exhaust fitted.
Yeah. Erm
Sounds like an aeroplane.
Do you think you've got more
listeners now?
Yeah, I'd say we're at least
on double figures now.
Oh, yeah. At least. Per show.
Yeah, yeah.
Max. At least. Max.
At least, yeah.
At least max, yeah.
# B stands for brutality
I said E
# Stands for the energy
# I said A
Stands for Audi
# I say Audi T # T!
Guaranteed
# T!
Riding the beat
# T!
T!
Have you got more attention now
you've got the beard?
A lot of attention
from the beard, yeah.
I'm getting a lot of the mums down
Green Dragon,
do you know what I mean, checking me
out and that, yeah.
Cos they know I'm on telly,
so they think I got bare money.
I ain't.
Cos you lot don't give us no money.
This programme contains
strong language.
Miche!
You get it! Miche!
Oh. They're 'ere!
All right, boys. What's going on?
All right?
'It's a big day, big event for all
of us. It's exciting.'
Angel becoming a Christian is
probably the biggest event
she's ever been through, other than
being born,
so, yeah, it's pretty big.
Are you a Christian?
I'm not technically christened,
but I definitely am a very
spiritual person.
And I think I have Christian morals.
Like, I love Christmas, for example.
I love, like, everything about
Christmas, like, getting presents,
eating loads of food, so I think I
do believe in God in that way, yeah.
Miche!
Do you know where my Avirex is?
You've Miche, there's
glitter all over it.
Huh? Oh, sorry. I've been
doing T-shirt designs. Don't put
It's hectic, it gets everywhere!
They should have more christening
emoticons, shouldn't they?
So what I've done is like a baby's
head with some water splashes
and then a church. Like, what else?
I dunno. Just, like, smiley face
or Mm.
A gun? Why a gun?
Godfather, innit.
Love that. See ya later.
Basically, yeah, when you get
Christianed,
you need a godfather, yeah.
Godfather.
So it's a very important decision
I have to make,
do you know what I mean, like?
And it's going to be someone that's
very close to me Yeah.
..and someone that's loyal.
It's out of Decoy and Beats.
But
I thought it was going to be me.
Huh? Well, we'll see.
Whoever's the most deserving out of
them two.
Congrats, mate. You're in the
running. Yeah, but
Nah, you've made it to the finals.
Oh, it's the finals? Yeah! It's them
two. Oh, sick. Yeah.
Lean back. Huh? Lean back.
Oh, that's lovely, that is. Cheers,
mate. It's all right.
See that?
And what are you doing here?
So these are designs for Angel's
christening T-shirt.
And it's just so everyone can have a
sort of memento from the day.
Oh.
Like, I did GCSE Art, so, yeah, just
using some of the skills
and techniques
I picked up from then.
This is just a sketch, though.
It'll look a lot better
when a professional's done it.
Oh, shit.
'I've conquered the snack world,
conquered the DJ world,
'the rig doctoring world,
'been there, done that
and now I'm printing the T-shirt.'
Designer T-shirtprinting!
It's emphasis, you know.
The first lady of Kurupt FM enters.
All right. How you doing?
All right, yeah.
Thanks so much for this.
I was going to go Snappy Snaps,
but Grindah said you could do it
a bit cheaper.
Yeah, no, I've actually got my own
printing machine.
Pretty? Printing machine, so
Pretty? Er, printing. Printing
machine.
Machine to Oh, right, yeah!
No, printing machine.
Yeah, 'course. Exactly, yeah.
I got it off Uncle Bobby. Yeah, he
told me that it's like a 3D printer,
but 2D, so you actually save on
energy. It's so big!
That's what they all bloody say.
Yeah, when it comes to fashion,
I'm always one step ahead.
Sometimes, people look at me
strangely
and they're like, what's he
wearing?
These are actually women's boots.
I like the heel on them, I like the
texture of them.
They're very ersilky smooth,
easy clean.
The jacket is real halal
lambskin leather,
blessed by the guy at the mosque.
OK, so I've sketched out
a sort of family portrait. Mm-hm.
Obviously, this is rough, so the
final product will need to be
sort of more classy, but with
that sort of essence of heaven.
Like, does that sound OK?
Erm Yeah, definitely. Listen,
I can handle anything, you know.
Yeah. I'm a self-made guy, you know.
Yeah.
I came here in '93 with nothing
but Â£5 and my brother's passport
MY passport.
Definitely my passport.
Shout out Steve's in action, too.
I see ya.
# Up and down, she's rubbing it
# Up and down, she's rubbing it
# What's that?
Yeah, she's loving it.
# I said up and down,
she's rubbing it,
# Up and down
She's rubbing it
# Up and down
She's rubbing it.
To be fair, she's loving it.
She always bloody does, to be fair.
Do you know what I mean?
They always do, mate!
So what makes a good godfather?
Oi, a good godfather is
someone that is
that listens. Listens. Yeah?
Ermis loyal. Loyal.
Ermlooks out for people.
For people.
Er, keeps themselves to themselves.
To themselves.
You're talking over me. Sorry.
That's minus one in the godfather
chart, mate.
Oh!
See that, Decoy, mate?
You want to step your levels up,
mate.
Keep going.
Yeah, that's fine.
'To be honest, like,
'the whole Godfather thing, like, it
don't really bother me.
Like, I'm always there for them,
innit, so if they ever need me,
then I'm there, either way.
Why do you care about her so much?
Pfff That's a bit of a weird
question to be honest, like
I'm just there, innit.
They're likefamily.
Right, so this is just mine
and Angel's dance routine,
obviously in the early stages,
but, we'll just show you
where we've got to so far
And one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight.
Play Hard
by David Guetta ft. Ne-Yo and Akon
Remember tits and teeth.
Decoy, stand back a bit.
Right, so I've toned down
the dance routine.
We don't need a dance routine. Yeah,
yeah. No, sure. Absolutely, yeah.
We can just see how it goes on the
day. If there's time.
Cos we're ready either way, aren't
we, Ange?
Yeah? Cool.
Five, six, seven, eight
And lasso. And round, and round.
And round. Shimmy down.
Can we just try and keep it simple?
Lasso, lasso.
No, Miche. Stop going over the top
with everything. Do you remember
the gun fingers I taught you on your
birthday last year?
Don't confuse her, she's got to
remember the christening routine.
No, she doesn't!
Angel, don't do a routine!
Right, so I've sorted the T-shirts.
Er, what else, what else?
Ooh! Do you want to see her
christening dress?
Angel, are you looking forward to
getting Christianed? Yep.
You know you're going to have a new
godfather tomorrow, yeah?
Which means you will always have a
guardian to protect you
throughout your tiny life.
Yeah?
Ooh, ideally, though, I suppose
he needs to be somebody
that has experience of actually
being a legal guardian.
Innit?
She agreed. Angel agreed with me!
Isn't that a bit much?
No, cos this way, you know, she
could always re-use it
later on in life. I got a couple of
sizes bigger so, you know,
maybe within the next sort of 18
months, two years,
she could use it as like a
bridesmaid's dress,
if she was ever a bridesmaid. Well,
no, cos we don't know anyone
that's getting married and
Let's just change the subject.
Oh!
This brings me back.
Hit me, Angel!
Hit me! Hit me!
Hit me! Angel, hit me!
Oh! We're having a great time.
We're having a great time!
'Yeah, I do think Kevin
would make a good godfather.
'I mean, you know, he's got a lot of
things going for him.'
Kids love him, he's a lot of fun.
You know, he can be a right
old laugh,
cos he's really on their level,
mentally.
Right, now you're both dead!
I'm not.
'She seems a bit fonder of Decoy,
you know,
'but I think that's cos she sees
more of him.'
Eryou know.
Put that on there. OK.
And down
we go.
Yes.
Yeah, Aldona!
Hello? Aldona?
Yeah, all right. I'll
come round later.
Yeah, come and get it later, man.
It's bloody Abdi, innit. He forgot
his scarf, I thought it was Aldona!
So where is Aldona?
Oh, you know, she's very
spontaneous. Sometimes she'll just
kind of head out for a couple
of months and she'll come back
with, you know, my credit card,
hopefully, this time, Aldona!
You know, she's like a bloody sexy,
slutty Frisbee.
You know, I'll throw her away
sometimes,
she'll always come back, mate.
It's all banter, you know.
Banter, banter.
No, please come back, Aldona.
So do you know who the godfather's
going to be, then?
I feel like it has to be
Beats, surely?
Cos, you know, I think he'd be
really good,
like, caring and thoughtful.
Well, we still got Decoy in the
running.
I just think it feels a bit weird,
you know,
Decoy being the godfather.
Why would it be weird? Oh, I dunno.
It just doesn't seem Oh, Miche,
come on! Get with the times.
It's the 21st century, all right?
Skin colour does not matter any more.
Oh, my God! No, no.
I'm not saying that. I'm just
saying, you know,
he's around a lot already.
Which is good. So maybe it's good
..to get someone else. Oh, my God,
Chapatti's here!
Hello.
Special delivery for Lady Miche.
Can I have a look? You may.
Killed it.
Smashed it.
Oh, my God. Chapatti
I think I hate them.
This is ruined!
What the fuck's she going on about?
Miche! I don't know, mate.
Tell him to fuck off! It glitters.
Fucking hell, mate. Classy. Jesus!
I'm not having her crying all through
my godfather announcement,
all right?
Right, we need to think of summat.
Here's what we're going to do. OK.
You bosh out some T-shirts. Mm.
Something simple.
Just like a picture of Angel
and the date.
Yeah? OK, cool.
So what are you going to do then?
What d'you mean?
Nah, I mean, when you were saying
the list of things to do,
I thought you were going to say,
"And I'll do this and that".
Mate, I've got a very important,
life-changing decision
to make, yeah, about my daughter,
who's getting Christianed.
I ain't got time to be
fucking around with you and that.
Sweet. All right. Cool.
Delegation. Know what I mean?
For fuck's sake, how do
you get this on?
Miche?
Miche?
Miche? Go away!
I need help with my tie, I can't
clip it on.
Are you big into your religion?
Nah, we're not really
religious sort of people.
I'd say, personally, if I was to
choose one I related to,
I'd probably be Rasta.
What, do they do christenings?
Yeah, yeah. They do their own sort of
tip, where they all go
into, like, a mountain in Jamaica
and just all sit in a massive tent,
relaxing and blazing all night. Yeah.
That's nice.
Thank you.
I thought the pink looks quite nice,
doesn't it,
with the brown of the cross?
'Ah, Miche gets just proper weird
around churches'
and she starts banging on about
marriage constantly, like
I don't see why she'd want me
and her to be related.
If anything, I think that would put
me off
wanting to do anything with her.
It's basically incest, innit?
So do you do any sort of loyalty
discounts here then?
You mean for other events?
Yeah, like weddings or Oh.
Do you do a lot of weddings here?
Well, weddings are a slightly
different case, because,
for a wedding, you have to be a
member of the congregation. Yeah.
See the mic situation?
Is it wireless based or is it?
We don't have mics, sorry. No mics?
No. Bit weird. No worries,
I've got my own,
but erm cool. Oh, right, OK.
Ooh, just so you know, your friend
is down there. Yeah.
I think he's been here all night.
Oh, fuck's sake.
Steves! Steves! Wake up, you mess!
I got your text message.
Did I miss the cremation?
Nah, you got a good
20 minutes left.
Sorry, can I help you?
Ye Ah! You have got aa mic.
Well, it's forthis is for
We use this for sort of
the big services.
This is going to be a big service.
How do you? I don't
Pop that in there for me, please
mate. Go on.
Well, OK. Come on, that's the way.
What else? Whoa!
We're going to have to get this
removed.
Is there anything
I can be sick into?
Er, yeah, there's loads of stuff.
There'shere you go.
Cheers, man. It's all right, mate.
We'll wash it.
That's not going to be enough,
actually. Is there a bigger one?
'Nah, I wouldn't say I got
a drug problem.
'I think I've got the opposite of
a drug problem,'
to be honest, like, I've got no
problem with drugs whatsoever.
I'll try anything.
We gather in the front. Yeah, yeah.
You've got everyone sitting there.
I'll probably pop
you off to the side there.
I'm by the font,
normally. Just by the font. Yeah.
Yeah. No, that's good.
Good, good, good, good, good. OK.
There it is.
Going to get Christianed in there.
You see in there, yeah? That's where
you're going to meet God!
Not if you don't make it down the
stairs in them heels, Carol.
No, don't laugh.
I don't know how you do it.
Just wiggle it, come here.
Let me look at you, darling.
Ah, that's nice.
Here she is, look at her, Princess!
Ah! Can we go in?
Your shirt's untucked. What are you
doing?
Is he looking?
Come on.
Grindah, you see that? What?
Just tucked Craig's shirt in,
standard parent-guardian
sort of sh We have to go, mate.
You've got a bit of glitter on your
cheek. What?
Bit of glitter. Bit of glitter.
Has it gone? Yeah. Right, come on.
Miche? Have you got any pants on?
What? Yeah! I've got a thong on.
Just looking.
Hello. Hello.
Mum, this is the vicar.
Hello, darling.
Hello, nice to meet you.
And this is Angel.
All right? Lovely to meet you. You
too. Angel, say hello to the vicar.
Don't you look lovely. Say hello.
I'll come and speak to you.
All right.
Hello. Welcome, welcome.
Don't you look lovely?
Yeah, she does, doesn't she?
Yeah, like a little angel.
Easy. Easy. You just come straight
from the rave?
Yeah. Do you still feel fucked?
Mic's not working. Come on.
Try it. Try it. It's not working.
I've had face paint all over my
face, when I got here.
Lucky there was little sink thing
on the way in to wash your face.
Mate, that's holy water.
What happens
if you get it on your face?
Makes you religious or something.
I didn't mean to be religious.
Hope they've got them ready, to be
honest, mate, you know? Cos
I haven't got time, mate.
I've been up all night, you know.
I'm not in the mood, mate, you know.
All right, geezer. I'm here to
pick up my T-shirts,
I've got a receipt for you. Yeah.
Nice bit of kit you've got there,
actually, mate.
Is it a smooth mechanism on
that, yeah? Yeah, it's OK. Yeah.
Do you make some decent profit
off that?
What kind of money you making,
net profit? What kind of margins?
I'm not sure. Cash flow?
That's Â£225, please.
225 quid!
I'm sorry for your loss, by the way.
Huh?
No, it's fine, mate.
It's not a problem.
It's very reasonable anyway.
You've got to lose some to
gain some, you know?
Do your pout.
Perfect! Stunning. Right.
Miche? Miche?
What?
What's he want? I don't know. Can
you watch my bag? Yeah, 'course.
Come, come on.
Easy!
How you doing, Selecta? You all
right, yeah? Yeah.
Angel? Yeah, looks nice.
Angel?
Angel?
Angel? Angel?
Oh, my God! Yeah! Do you like it?
What, you got him to re-do the
T-shirts? Yeah.
That's so romantic! It wasn't
romantic, it's just normal.
That just shows how committed
you are to me, doesn't it?
Not really. Just needed them done,
so don't
Thank you. Do you like it, yeah?
Ta-da!
Oh, my God. They are stunning!
Oh, thank you so much!
You're welcome.
No worries. No worries. Oh, my God.
Craigy boy! Have a look.
One for you, mate.
It looks like she's died!
Oh, man, that T-shirt!
Like she was, you know
we were at a wake or something.
It was really funny.
Oh!
Steviet-shirt.
Sorry. Jesus' eyes were watching me.
No, Miche, it ain't going to go
over. No, I can tell.
It's going to squish my do.
Put it on, Beats, mate.
Put it on, mate. Come on! Take your
top off. Take your top off.
Yeah.
All right, shall we
go up?
Angel. Will you take pictures?
You can take some pictures.
Do you know? Just go up there.
Just go like that.
Angel, do you wish to be baptised?
Say yes, Angel, yeah?
Yes. Yes?
Well done.
Let us pray. Hands together,
everybody! Or not, is it?
Here, we are washed by the Holy
Spirit and made clean.
Here, we are clothed with Christ,
dying to sin that we may
live his risen life.
Decoy.
Shall I take Angel for a bit? If you
want, mate. Yeah.
Come on! Come to Uncle Beats!
You got her? Yeah, come on.
You give to your faithful people new
life in the water of baptism.
Angel. All right.
Just stand closer to me
than Uncle Decoy, yeah?
..may serve you in faith and love
and grow
Is that your family over there? Mm.
It's a bit weird, innit?
"Ooh, I'm Decoy. I bring my family
with me.
"I want to be Godfather."
..Amen. Pathetic.
And now we come to the responses.
Do you reject the devil and all
rebellion against God?
Everyone? Yes! I reject them.
The responses are on the sheet.
Oh, there's a sheet. "I reject them."
I reject them.
Do you renounce the deceit
and corruption of evil?
Yeah, I do. Yes, renounce them.
I renounce them.
Do you turn to Christ as saviour?
Yeah. I turn to Christ.
Do you submit to Christ, our lord?
I submit to Christ, our lord.
Christ claims you for his own.
Receive the sign of his cross
It's like, yeah, I was thinking,
the power of Christ compels you!
Yes, all right, thank you.
Ah, that's from Exorcist, innit?
Yeah!
About the girl's mum noshing people
off in hell! Yeah, I love that!
If the father would like to
step forward, please.
No worries, mate.
I'll take over from here.
Pass me the mic, please, mate.
Yeah, sure.
Angel, if you just stand there.
Rightwelcome, people.
As you all know, I've had
the important decision
of who will be the godfather.
Very important. Exactly.
It's er it's something
I took very seriously.
I even watched this film called The
Godfather to help me work out
what it is they actually do.
To be honest, I didn't end up
watching it all, cos it's quite long.
But the point is, I learnt that it is
more than just some little name
given to you by some
silly little John in a church. Yeah?
It's about loyalty. Yeah.
It's about respect.
It's about being
the head of a crime family.
Which is something we know a little
bit about, isn't it? Yep.
So, for that reason,
I feel there is no-one better
for the role of godfather
than
me! MC Grindah!
I now declare myself godfather!
Good, good.
We should have actually all
had maybe a little drinks
for this bit, like a toast.
Anyway, good. Back to you, mate.
The best man won in the end
of the day, innit.
Good job, mate.
Yeah, same to you, mate.
..and come to the inheritance
of the saints in glory, amen.
You're Christianed!
Thanks, thank you, everybody.
Amen! Amen!
Come on then, let's go. Let's go and
eat buffet.
Thank you, everybody.
Great ceremony, innit?
Yeah, it was really good, man.
Craig?
Come on, come with Mum.
Went well.
What about Angel, is she happy?
Ah, very much so. She didn't have a
clue about it and, to be honest,
if she had some next John just always
there, like, she'd be like,
"Who's that?" She's got Daddy there,
do you know what I mean?
a.k.a The Godfather, like!
Steves! It's time to go.
What you doing?
No, justjust talking to Jesus.
What you saying to him?
Just apologising, cos
I'm a bit worried that he's put
a curse on me.
You're just on a come-down, man.
Come on, we'll get back to Grindah's
and we'll sort all this out.
Bye, Jesus.
Going church is definitely one
of the most
like, intense things you can
do on a come-down, really.
Oh, wait a second.
'But I just try and avoid
comedowns as much as possible.'
'How do you avoid them?'
Just do more drugs, basically.
Party Hard by Bob Bradley
Getting down
to the old school
Go on, give it a go, Craig.
Probably got Little Mix on there.
I just think - listen to me, Miche -
I just think
Decoy would be a better choice,
that's all.
It doesn't really matter, cos all
that matters
is that Angel's going to go heaven.
And he's the perfect man,
that's what I think.
Oh, whatever, Mum. Nobody's perfect.
If he ain't, he'll fucking do till
Mr Perfect turns up.
Cheers, darling.
I would smash him into next week.
Mum! I would! I don't care!
He'd wake up and be like ,
"Ooh, what day is it?"
And I'd be like,
"It's next week, darling!" Oh!
Beats! Decoy! Ready for you, mate!
Ah, I got to go do this Jah ceremony
to help Steves with his come-down.
Is that.? Yeah. Sweet.
Take a seat there.
Yeah! Yeah!
Miche! Miche!
Huh?
How about Angel? I have got it
all ready.
Nah, I think just do her
when she's older. Sure?
Cos we have hotboxed her room
out, so we are good to go,
so just letting you know.
Yeah, that's fine.
She's busy doing her karaoke.
Last chance! No, it's fine.
All right, sweet!
Do you think that Grindah
and Miche are good parents?
Oher, well, you know,
I don't judge other people.
But no. Probably not.
'Miche is lovely and I reckon she's
doing her best, but, you know
'with an absolute
twat in the house,'
how canhow can he be a good
father?
- Well done.
- Yay!
Oh, Princess, look at you. Who wants
cake? Yeah. Do you want cake?
Yeah, I'll have some.
Happy christening! What
sort of portion control do you?
Mm!
Steves, this is for you mate,
all right?
We'll get you back, keep toking it.
# If it wasn't for the girl you're
holding tight
# If it wasn't for the girl you're
holding tonight#
I watched this documentary once,
where they all just go into a hill
in Jamaica
in a fucking big tent and just chill
and blaze, do you know what I mean?
And that's how you cleanse yourself.
With the power of Jah Rastafari!
What is Rastafarianism?
Ugh, you're so white.
Rastafarianism is a movement that
started in Jamaica
..with a geezer called Bob Marley
and
he just blazed a lot, made some of
the best music in the world.
Boom, there you go. The rastas was
born.
Play Hard by David Guetta
ft. Ne-Yo and Akon
Ugh! I can feel it now.
I can feel the curse being lifted.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Go on, then!
One, two.
Go on, Ange! Oh, yeah!
# I get the way that you rockin'
Flip that thang thang,
don't stop it
Oh, I love it! I love it!
Ooh. Whoo!
Agh!
# Got a gang of cash and it's going
all on the bar
And it's going fast cos I feel
like a superstar
Easy. Just exorcised Steves'
come-down.
Jesus has been defeated!
# The only thing we know how to do
# Said it's the only thing we know
how to do
# Work hard, play hard
Work hard, play hard
We work hard, play hard
That's it. Spin her, spin her!
Keep partying like it's your job
Work hard, play hard
Now you spin me. Oh, my goodness!
Work hard, play hard.
We work hard
Spin mummy, Ange. Spin Mummy.
Keep partying like it's
your job
'Yeah, I made the right decision with
the whole godfather thing.
'I mean, at the end of the day,'
you don't send a boy in to do
a man's job, do ya?
Yeah, but you know that I'll always
be there for you anyway, so
'Nah, I checked it out and there's
not actually that much to it.
'It's just good to get her done,
know what I mean?
'Yeah, set her up for life and that.
'Exactly. Cos, like'
if she does end up going
down a darker path or whatever,
likebecoming a brass or a murderer
or whatever,
then I know she'll always go heaven.
Yeah. Straight into the VIP.