The Heart Attack Hall of Fame

Ever go out to eat and wonder how unhealthy that dinner you’re consuming might be? I sure don’t, but for some reason I was interested to take a look around at popular restaurants and see exactly who is trying to give America high blood pressure. Maybe it was because of my lack of creativity the last week or so, but man, did I succeed. There’s some pretty nasty stuff out there. I wouldn’t recommend you avoid all of these items because I can promise you that they are delicious, but just don’t eat them every night. You might find yourself looking like Kirstie Alley, and not the Kirstie Alley who gave birth to a baby who’s thoughts were narrated by Bruce Willis.

For every item, I will also provide photo evidence to show what you might look like if you were to indulge on that particular menu item on a daily basis. This is for my fellow sufferers of A.D.D. who just like looking at pictures.

Chipotle Mexican Grilled Chicken Burrito

1,179 calories
7 g fat
125 g carbs
2,656 mg sodium

Just wanted to start with something light to get us going. About a month ago, I wrote a post about how much I loved Chipolte once I actually gave it a chance. I always knew these monster burritos weren’t exactly good for you, and I feel as though it’s public knowledge. Despite a reputation for using healthy, fresh ingredients, Chipotle’s menu is limited to king-size burritos, overstuffed tacos, and gigantic salads —all of which lead to a humongous waistline.

While not all that terrible for you, you should probably avoid these things on your lunch break. I would recommend for dinner only, or you might find your fat ass riding a scooter to and from work.

Chili’s Awesome Blossom

2,710 calories
203 g fat
194 g carbs
6,360 mg sodium

Jesus. Hard to believe that a single onion can wreak so much nutritional havoc, but batter and fry anything and serve it with a rich dipping sauce and you’re bound to do some damage. Truth is, no one thinks that a deep fried onion is healthy. But, people don’t realize just how bad it really is. The pieces are so irregular it takes different amounts of time for sections of the same petal to cook. This means that some parts are invariably overcooked. When you overcook deep fried food, all the moisture is released and the oil is let in. That’s why onion blossoms are so much greasier and calorie-laden than say onion rings. Even if you split this thing 4 ways, you’re still eating about as many calories as you would from a normal meal. Daaaaaaamn.

If you keep eating the Awesome Blossom, you’re probably going to end up looking like that fat guy from Lost. I don’t know his name, but I bet he’s had a few Awesome Blossoms in his day.

P.F. Chang’s Pork Lo Mein

1,820 calories
127 g fat
95 g carbs

I don’t ever eat at P.F. Chang’s because I think they are overcharging for the quality of food offered. When I found out that the P.F. stood for “Paul Fleming”, I was even more turned off. If you can find a whiter name than Paul Fleming, I will buy you dinner. Anyways, back to the fat.. Don’t eat the Lo Mein. It’s bad for you. That’s all I got.

Continue eating the Lo Mein, and you will look similar to former WWF heavyweight wrestler, Yokozuna. Sure, he had some epic battles in the ring, but he died when he was 36 and weighed in at a trim 900 pounds at that time.

You know this burger’s in trouble when it takes more than 20 syllables just to identify it. If you think the name’s a mouthful, just wait until the burger hits the table. You’ll be face-to-face with two-and-a-half days’ worth of fat—a full third of which is saturated. To do that much damage with roasted sirloin, you’d have to eat about eight 6-ounce steaks. (It’s nearly three days’ worth of saturated fat.)

Keep eating these burgers, and guess what? You’re going to look like John Travolta in Hairspray.

Uno Chicago Grill Pizza Skins

2,400 calories
155 g fat (50 g saturated)
3,600 mg sodium

This appetizer is like eating a Large Domino’s Sausage Pizza. Would you ever think of saying to a waiter: “You know what? I’m hungry tonight. Let me get started with a large pizza and go heavy on the sausage.” If you’re ordering for a party of more than five, it might be OK, but for smaller groups, it’s tilting toward gluttony gone wild.

Keep eating these and you’re going to end up like the guy who is fat but wears the “I Beat Anorexia Shirt”. He does look happy though.

Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce

2,430 calories
128 g fat
207 g carbohydrates
5,290 mg sodium

First off, I have to watch what I say here because my girlfriend works for Macaroni Grill, but Daaaaaamn! 2,400 calories? 128g of fat? For some pasta? That’s crazy.

Other things you could eat and still be as unhealthy as Macaroni Grill’s Spaghetti with Meatballs:

18 Twinkies

19 Ho Ho’s

16 Ounces(4 cups) of sausage gravy

3 Whoppers

19 strips of bacon

6 fried chicken breasts from KFC

If you kept eating plates of pasta from the Macaroni Grill, you’re probably going to look like a porked up version of Robert DeNiro as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull. That wasn’t a good look for him.

I have to add that you should keep eating at Macaroni Grill and tip your server well, especially if her name is Stephanie. Just try and order something besides the Spaghetti and Meatballs.

Outback Steak House Aussie Cheese Fries

2,900 calories
182 g fat
240 g carbs

This one really takes the cake. This tub of sludge is, according to Men’s Health magazine, the worst food in America. Just eating this one food item, which is listed as a starter, will fill your entire caloric intake for the day. During my research, I checked what the good folks over at Urban Dictionary had to say on the subject. Here’s what you get:

Cheesy Fries from Outback Steakhouse that when ordered xtra cheese extra bacon and honey mustard or ranch is an orgasm in the mouth along with a heart attack in one bite

Couldn’t sum it up any better than that. If you continue eating this “starter” you will end up like Manuel Uribe, who has the distinct honor of having his picture coming up first on Google Images when searching for “World’s Fattest Man”. He weighs 1,234 pounds. Holy jesus.