Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Costume Conundrum

Joe and I have a costume party to attend tomorrow, and this post marks the first time I've thought about what I'm going to wear. I used to get really excited about Halloween, so I have a cache of costumery, but most of it is the kind of sexpot stuff that was feasible several pounds ago. I do have a cape and a witch's hat. If my hair were long enough to put in a bun, I'd be tempted to dig out an old pair of wire-rimmed glasses, draw on some wrinkles, and go as Professor Minerva McGonagall from the Harry Potter books. Perhaps I could go as her lesser-known niece, Montana McGonagall. It might be fun, convincing drunken party-goers there's a minor character they can't recall. "C'mon -- she's the one who almost had the one-night stand with Sirius Black. On the Knight Bus? They were both drunk? I can't believe you don't remember!"

Even when we were more gung-ho about Halloween, Joe and I didn't exploit the wonderful world of couple's costumes very much. One time, he was a vampire, I was a vampire's victim...not very imaginative. Another time, we dressed as bunches of grapes. I can't remember who was Concord and who was Thompson, but the costumes involved black pants, black turtlenecks, wreaths of fake grapevine on our heads, and green or purple balloons tied onto lengths of black yarn and pinned to our clothes. It was kind of hard to sit down, as I recall.

There's even a contest at this party. One of last year's winners was a gal dressed in overalls and a flannel shirt. She also wore a computer-labeled cardboard box, hung from straps over her shoulders. Can you guess what she was? The Farmer in the Dell. I know someone else who pinned clothes all over himself, taped a single-serving box of Tide to the outer layer, and went as a pile of dirty laundry. That was clever. Joe dressed as a jellyfish one year. He wore white and carried a clear-plastic umbrella with strips of bubble wrap trailing from the edges. It was great, but the bubble wrap proved too tempting to other guests. By the end of the evening, he looked like he'd been washed ashore and trod on by unwary tourists. Oh, and there was the infamous year we both went in drag! Joe was a ringer for Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, and I looked like Tom Petty after orthodontia. It took a while for people to recognize us -- that was fun.

Maybe I can get excited about Halloween this year. I'm a writer. Surely I can come up with something creative. In fact, maybe I should look to the world of books for costume ideas. Let's see...what famous literary duos can I think of? Nothing obvious, like Romeo and Juliet or Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth. Something funny and unexpected, like, um, er...

All I can think of is Ahab and the great, white whale.

"C'mon, you remember Montana! She wound up as a stripper in that dive on Knockturn Alley? That's right. The Witch's Tit."

Love the Farmer in the Dell. Loved the Montana MacGonagall idea--I'd like to try that one! Spending the whole evening making up stories about Minerva's unknown niece.

I went to a party once, and there was a man and woman dressed up as follows: the man was shirtless and wearing the trousers of a soldier uniform, and the woman was wearing just the uniform shirt (along with fishnet stockings and heels of course--apparently she shared your affinity for sexpot costumes). Guess what they were.

An upper and lower GI.

*snort*

One year I dressed up as Miss Colloween (heh heh), when I could wear a slinky black dress (this was BK--before kids) and I put cobwebs all over my dress, my hair. Wore black lipstick, white makeup, etc.

And a couple years ago when we went to a party, I slaved all week before to make the horns for a home made Maleficent costume. (Maleficent, the villain from Disney's Sleeping Beauty, is my favorite villain--she's so elegantly evil).

And last year I had no time to plan a costume, so I wore a fuzzy spider ring on my hand, dressed in black, put spiderwebs in my teased hair, and drew a web on my face...went as a black widow.

Geez, Esri, if your books are as funny as this, I can see why you win contests all over the place. Like Trish, I really relished the stuff about Montana McGonagal.

Also, I love the costume ideas. Gives me a vicarious thrill to imagine going to a costume party for adults. Our big Halloween excitement here will be dressing our baby up as a lamb and going to the zoo. Oh, and eating a bowlful of candy, of course, if we can just keep the $(#@* trick or treaters from ringing our doorbell!

But even BK, I was never as hip as you, Colleen. I did have a fantasy last Halloween about making my dh go as a football player (go Browns!) and myself as a pregnant cheerleader, but unfortunately I wasn't one of those cute pregnant women with curves and a belly. Put it this way: I should have made my dh dress up as Ahab.

Joe: Phantom of the Opera. (Cause he looks sooo good in a tux shirt and a cape.)

We had a blast at the party, then some of us went to the Dark Horse, a dive college bar where the young and nubile were dressed to thrill. One the gals in our party made friends with Pi, a stunning young man dressed as a Chippendale, with a fake schlong sticking out of his fly (his friend had an identical costume). She was introducing us to him, he was shaking hands all around, but when it came my turn, I couldn't resist, and reached down and shook the fake penis. He said, "Thank you!" It was kind of sticking out; I didn't even have to brush his pants with my hand. When I told my mom this story on the phone this morning, she gave a little shriek. Turned out she hadn't heard me say it was fake.

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