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Saturday, February 18, 2012

They Just Don’t Understand

I once did not understand. So now, instead of getting upset
when others don’t understand, I see it as an opportunity to inform or at least
to pray for them.

When I came to understand Catholic teaching on love and
marriage, my heart grew to include the unborn children I once thought I did not
want. Knowledge demanded action since my
husband and I had taken permanent measures to end the creation of life in our
family. One reversal and four more souls
later, our clan of ten, grew to twelve when we later accepted two orphans from
Kenya. Love grows; pure and simple. But some just don’t know that.

Here are my thoughts to some of the people in my life over
the years, who just didn’t understand.

To the guy I know from church who pointed to my pregnant
belly and said, “Tell Mark the tax credits aren’t that good.” You just don’t understand what real treasure is.

To the man at the basketball game who shouted to me as I
walked down the bleachers carrying our youngest one, “Is that the last one?” Really? I may have smiled but I did not enjoy
all the people in the lower bleachers looking up at me and waiting for my
answer. I nicely told you that’s not a question you should ask people. If I
wasn’t navigating my way down bleachers with a baby in arms, I might have said
much more.

To the girl at Papa Murphy’s Pizza who loudly asked: “Are
you having any more?” You certainly provided a teaching moment with all eyes in
that small store on me, waiting for the answer. Some things only God knows, especially the
things we surrender to him.

To the man in the airplane who turned and angrily glared at me
years ago when the baby kept crying. I was
traveling alone with three children; did you think I was pinching the baby to make him cry? Your dislike of children was clear, but
trust me, I was more stressed than you. What a blessing when we de-planed and
a lady came over to tell me she had prayed for me. Thank you to everyone who
quickly offered me help. Sir, your
heart is small and your anger quick. I said a prayer for you.

To the man who told me we are not Mormons: No, I’m Catholic and so are you. Do you know
what that means?

To any of the well dressed women in malls or grocery stores
who were tempted to look down on me in my sweatpants with my large brood: Don’t feel sorry for me, these sweat pants
are comfortable, and the sneakers are too. I don’t want what you have but do
you know what I have?

To my son’s friend who commented: “Imagine how rich your parents would be if
they didn’t have so many kids.” Do you
know how rich we really are? There is nothing on the face of the earth that my
son would trade in place of his siblings.

To another son’s friend who meant it as a compliment when
he said, “I respect your parents for having so many kids and not taking welfare.” I know you
meant well but perhaps you confuse openness to life with dysfunction. Not that
it’s wrong for people to need help sometimes, but your intended compliment
showed ignorance on what it means to accept the blessing of a large family.

To all those who have made comments that they won’t be
having anymore because they’ve gotten “fixed” or “taken care of it.” Nothing was broken before. Surgically
altering a healthy body to prevent natural functioning is not “taking care” of
that body. No judgment from me, however. Remember, I too once did not understand.

For those who made comments about how old my husband and I
were with our last one, (45 and 44). We are including eternity in our timeline,
are you?

To the woman at the fast food restaurant who thought I ran a
day care. I do care for mine every day.
You were surprised when I said they were all mine but I loved the look
on your face when I told you there were still four more. Thanks for the laugh.

To the nursing student who asked me how I can stand all the
drudgery? Won’t you be cleaning bedpans and other messes and taking care of
needy people? The difference in what you
will do and what I do is that I am taking care of the people I love most in the
world. I prefer the word blessing to drudgery.

To anyone who thought we were adding to an already overpopulated
world. Inform yourselves. Most of the world is suffering—really
suffering—from a population decline.
People are our greatest natural resources. Get out of town sometime and
notice that most of the world is still empty. Or just remind yourself that God
is all knowing. He would not have made a world too small to contain us nor make
a heart too small to receive all that he has to give.

###

* Columnist, Theresa Thomas and I are working on a book dedicated to promoting "Big Hearted Families"--not necessarily BIG in size but big hearted with a love of life. We are collecting and sharing news and stories that support families to grow their hearts and souls. Come like our Facebook page Big
Hearted Families Facebook .

23 comments:

Very thought provoking...hopefully to those who need to think! As another mother of many, your words resonate. While in my childbearing years, it never ceased to amaze me - the level of ignorance and rudeness exhibited by even total strangers, who think they have the right to pry into other's personal lives. I once replied when asked, "Don't you know what causes that?"..."Are you offering to explain it to me?" (with hands on hips) As expected, the fellow turned crimson red and quickly shuffled off. It's hard not to be angry when people are so invasive but you are right, we need to pray for them and model Christ at every opportunity. 5 of our 8 are married so far and soon, we'll have our 14th grandchild...Our kids are now enjoying the same joy they gave us. Oh, for love's sake!

Thanks for this. I put it on Facebook and it started a good discussion among family and friends--about having lots of children--or not being able to--- and the hurtful things that people say without even realizing how they sound.

Thanks, Angie. I think you hit the nail on the head; they don't realize how they sound. We would never walk up to a childless person and ask them: Don't you know what to do to have children? Yet, people often told me: "Don't you know what causes that?"

Well said, Patti! I made a choice to alter my healthy body after my youngest was born. I was not practicing my faith, never mind living it. It is the greatest sorrow of my life that I did not trust in God's wisdom for our family size. It is amazing to me that insurance will pay for sterilization, but not for reversal. That says a great deal about our society. Blessings!

You are so right, Christine. Our insurance paid for the sterilization but we had to pay for the reversal. We did not know where the money would come from but decided that was what God was calling us to. We decided to make payments. Then, my husband's grandmother died and left the exact amount to cover the reversal. Praise God! Too bad we did not figure things out earlier though. Ah, such is life. God bless you!

Oh, I loved this!! I have my seventh on the way and I have lost so much support from people around me. My husband thought about getting a vasectomy just because he said he can't stand all the comments and insults. I try to tell him not to care what people think so much but he's always been that way. :(

I only have six & get all the comments, I tend to let them roll off of my back. When they say "You've got your hands full" I say "Better full then empty." when they ask "Are you having more?" I say with a smile "It depends who you ask!" I love having a biggish family! The comments about home birthing are interesting too :) Thank you for sharing this- God is Awesome!

I love hearing from other moms in this situation. I have quite a few friends with big families. We've gotten together for summer potlucks and have all had the same feeling of gratitude as we watch all the kids interacting and having fun. It makes us feel very wealthy with riches we can take to heaven with us. I pray daily for everyone who reads my writing, so you are all on my prayer list now.

For families who love life and want to grow big hearts and strong souls, come "like" the new Facebook page Big Hearted Families. New book coming out with the same topic by Theresa Thomas and me.

Patti, so very eloquent! As a mom of 5 I haven't received quite as many bewildering (frustrating, annoying, etc. :D) comments as you, but I've had my share. Thank you so much for writing this. God bless you!

My wife and I were raised protestant and thought nothing of using birth control, so after two children in the first four years of Marraige I had a vesectomy.When public schools did not measure up to our expectation, led by my wonderful wife we looked at and then enrolled our children in Catholic School. I guess the journey home was set. By the time my son graduated college him my wife and myself were all welcomed into the Curch. Were still Praying for our daughter - who is a college senior- regularlySo at the age of 47 and 4 years into being empty nesters I can attest to the poverty of being so young and without children. Now we couldn't taken our kids to eourope 4 times etc. but I would sure feel more fullfilled and useful.

There are so many who were led astray only to later understand the truth...often too late to undo something permanent. The Church does not require a reversal but we felt God call us to that. Since God can use all things for good for those who love him, your life surely has abounds in opportunities to allow him to make up now for what is lacking and fill your life with his graces. I will pray that your daughter joins you. God bless you.

Patti - this was lovely. I often feel like people think we are crazy - they truly don't understand. We have nine, currently, and have experienced some losses. My sister, only a year younger and with the same devotion to openness, has three and would love more, so she and her husband are starting the process to adopt from China. They would like to adopt a girl about to age out of the system, and a younger child and I AM SO JEALOUS! Not truly jealous, but envious, as I have always wanted to adopt, but I think God has other plans for us. We are all blessed, if we allow ourselves to be open to it.

I know exactly what you mean. Even with 10 and two adopted, I've looked at families who have adopted little ones from another country and I have the urge to kidnap them. Of course I would never do such a thing but I'm not so sure about my daughters. :-)

* Columnist, Theresa Thomas and I are working on a book dedicated to promoting "Big Hearted Families"--not necessarily BIG in size but big hearted with a love of life. We are collecting and sharing news and stories that support families to grow their hearts and souls. Come like our Facebook page Big Hearted Families Facebook .Visit our blog Your Big Hearted Familyand share your own stories and insights

‎2 Month Celebration Prizes! My blog is 2 months old tomorrow and there's almost 39,000 hits. Come "follow" by February 29 and get entered in contest for 4 good Lenten reading books: Freedom, Walking with God, The Heart of Motherhood, and The Bible Compass.

Hi Patti,I remember your story from years ago when you belonged to an online email list of Catholic moms. It inspired me so much and helped my husband and I on our faith journey. We also had a very similar story, taking 'potentially' permanent steps to ensure that we wouldn't have more children. But by the grace of God we were able to reverse that decision. We now have five children here on earth and two more blessings in heaven. My husband was also just ordained a deacon and we are witnesses to the beauty of life everyday. Thank you!

What a blessing to hear from you! Please go to the Big Hearted family blog site (link at the bottom of the article above) and share your story. Or send me an email: pattiarmstrong@mac.com. I would love to hear more about your story. God bless you!

Wow, I love the clarity of this post. Can I share it with our family???? Just the other day my mother said, in front of our 6 kids, "So is it against your religion to use birth control?" This is after having lenghthy discussions with her about our reasoning in having a large family. On a funnier note, I had a woman come and knock on my door and ask me if I was running a day care. She had heard from a friend of hers that there was a day care on our block. "Nope, they're all ours!" God bless you!

Yes, Marcie, positively you can share this with your family? I gave my gift of writing to God many years ago--to serve him. I pray daily for those who read my words. The Holy Spirit inspires me but the work has just begun when I write it. God bless you.

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Patti Maguire Armstrong

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This site is dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and entrusted to the care of the Blessed Mother. It is a collection of inspiration, news, and favorites from the best selling "Amazing Grace" book series. Thank you for visiting. You are in my prayers.