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It has been almost 10 months but I never wanted to stop.

I had a horrible birth experience due to bully nurses and lack of support. My son was drinking formula before we even left the hospital after my c-section. I had intended to EBF for two years. By the time he was 2 months old, I was barely getting him an ounce or two pumped. By the time he was 3 months, I had given up and he was 100% formula fed. I was terribly depressed about it. When he was about 7 months old, I decided that maybe I could try again. I met with a lactation consultant at the local hospital. She was very eager to help me and support me until the part in the conversation where she learned that my son was 7 months old and not the 3 months old that she thought by mistake. I got an electric pump and tried half-heartedly for a few days. I was living with my in laws at the time while we waited for our rental to be ready and had zero privacy, so that was part of it. Most of it was no longer feeling hopeful about it. It was getting to hard to be sad all of the time and it was taking away from my son. He just turned a year old. I'm still heartbroken about not breastfeeding and I still don't feel right about not doing it. I feel like I should still be. I don't mean that I feel guilty or I feel pressured by outside sources. I feel, deep inside, instinctively I guess, that I should be giving him breast milk still.

I mentioned it to my husband and he pointed out that I didn't get anything out when I tried pumping a few months ago. That's all he said. I think he doesn't want me to try again and be upset by failing. I think he thinks I will fail.

I have PCOS. I lost 30 before I got pregnant. I think that's how I got pregnant, actually. During my pregnancy I lost another 20. While living with the inlaws and depending on them for groceries, I gained 30. I'm currently working on losing it again, but it's a slow process. I'm eating fairly low carb so that I don't have to take diabetic (type 2) meds and it's working great. I fear that, on top of being so overweight and probably dealing more with the PCOS again will make it impossible to relactate.

At this point I don't know if it will do more harm than good to try. All I know is, like I said before, it just doesn't feel right. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I forgot to do something big. And I know that it's because I'm not giving my son something that my body wants to give him.

Should I just find a way to make peace with it and move on? Is it so unlikely that I won't be able to relactate again given that I didn't do very well in the first place?

I don't feel comfortable meeting with a consultant. I know that would be the best step for most people, but for me it just makes me uncomfortable and nervous and I end up not being honest with them anyhow.

Re: It has been almost 10 months but I never wanted to stop.

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry your journey into motherhood was so difficult. As you experienced, the gap between our mothering hopes and our mothering realities can be immense. You can fill that gap with sadness or you can fill it with anger or you can fill it with acceptance... How you deal is, ultimately, up to you, and we can't tell you the right way to feel, or whether the right thing to do here is to try your best to relactate or to just move on.

The one thing that I feel like I can say is that it is possible to relactate, given the right tools and the right level of determination. How much milk you can expect... That's hard to say. It might be a full supply, it might be very little, depending on your individual body.

Re: It has been almost 10 months but I never wanted to stop.

Yes, it is possible. Whether the time and effort needed to do so is feasible for your family situation is something to think long and hard about. Yes, your son would still benefit from breast milk so I personally think it's worth a shot. But if the stress of trying to do so affects your daily interactions with him to a significant degree, maybe it's not. You have a happy, healthy, thriving baby. Focus on the positive in that. First, get really educated on how to relactate. Pumping for a few days is not going to magically bring in s full supply. Like mommal pointed out, there's no guarantee you'll bring in a complete supply. Would you be happy with giving him a few ounces a day in a cup or would that be a failure to you? Studies are clear that any amount of breast milk is beneficial. Or are you seeking to just have the nursing relationship back? http://theleakyboob.com/2011/12/your...o-relactation/

Re: It has been almost 10 months but I never wanted to stop.

I strongly suggest the book Making More Milk. I also suggest reading up on online about relactation and induced lactation and adoptive nursing. I know your baby was not adopted, but adopting moms who wanted to nurse thier children have long been at the cutting edge of re-lactation and induced lactation, especially for older babies and toddlers.

The IBCLC may have been shocked that your baby was 7 months because she had assumed something different, and worried your chances for bringing in a ‘full’ production for your baby were not as good, which of course they are not, compared to 3 months. That is just reality. BUT whether the age is 3 months or 7 months or 12 months or 24 months, there is very little difference in what needs to be done to increase/bring back milk production and encourage baby to nurse.

Re: It has been almost 10 months but I never wanted to stop.

btw, PCOS and obesity do not mean you cannot relactate. Yes, they can be an issue for some moms, milk production wise. But by no means all.

Also, will your baby nurse? Before pumps existed mothers relactated by nursing. Maybe for you, encouraging your baby to nurse, mayvb with a lactation aid, will feel better than pumping. Of course you can do both. There are many avenues to take with this.

Any local LLL around? I think it would help you to talk to other moms who understand your very natural desire to nurse your baby. Of course, that is what we can do as well.