The letters, diaries, and musings of slightly chemically imbalanced animals.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Cat Manifesto

The above is a snapshot of Fangs, taken by a hostage whose ransom was never met.

The below is a manifesto of a housecat who has watched one too many Bond movies:

Dear World,

It’s high times you were introduced to your new supreme leader of all things criminal and fiendish. I won’t use my real name as I must maintain anonymity as I unveil my devilish plans. You can refer to me as the “Clawed Menace,” or maybe “Fangs McCoy.” Perhaps “Mousewrath” is more suiting. Take your pick. Just know that I now control the whole of the criminal element.

Anyways, you don’t know who I am but it’s high times for change, I tell you. It’s time to take back the city! I, and my legions of felons, will control, nay, destroy you!

And unless you want that to happen, I suggest you take a look at my list of demands:

I would like my genitalia reattached. And pronto. Well maybe not mine, but if you have any spare tiger genitalia, I would like that, please.

Then I would like a meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. I’ve always wanted to curl up inside his hat.

Then I would like a teacup yorkie flown over my penthouse by chopper and then dropped from the air in front of my bay window. Repeatedly.

Then I would like all YouTube video clips of cats in human clothes removed from the internet.

Then I would like the Internet presented to me, atop the finest china, on a tray of dead mice, covered in pureed chicken. Then I will eat the Internet and videotape myself doing it and the post it on the – damn.

I will get back to you, world, when my devilish plan is complete. Until then, watch your back.