Wok Town

Look at that adorable little Asian girl. LOOK AT HER. Asian babies are the cutest thing in the world. If I could have a little Asian daughter that stayed tiny forever without resorting to becoming a midget (the proportions get all fucked up) I would go for it. Unfortunately, only Asians, gay guys, and Angelina Jolie can have Asian babies.

I guess I’ll tolerate The Great Firewall for some Mongolian beef.

Since I can’t have an Asian baby, I substitute that craving by stuffing my face with Chinese food. China may have a deplorable human rights record and 75% of its citizens are below the poverty line, but their Americanized dishes are awesome so I guess I can forgive them for poising themselves to take over the world through deceit and shady ethics. I guess I’ll tolerate The Great Firewall for some Mongolian beef.

This place is new and opened up next to some shitty Brazilian buffet and across from what has to be the worst Italian restaurant I’ve ever eaten at. I won’t name names because I can’t remember them. Both places must’ve been run by migrant Hondurans since the food was terrible but the mopping job was top notch. I discovered it when my boss walked into the office victoriously shouting that he had found Chinese around here not made by Indians. It’s strange, there are a bunch of little Hong Kong bodegas selling calling cards and illegal narcotics (probably) in downtown but no Chinese restaurants unless you count PF Chang’s in Brickell.

I decided to give it a shot. At first glance, it looks like hippies and vegans got a hold of Chinese food. The very first thing I saw on their menu was “Positive Wok”, a set of vegetarian dishes. Based on the clean vibe I thought “shit, this is a vegetarian Chinese place.” Then the chick asked if she could help me in Spanish, so I knew they had to have some meat in their food somewhere. Hispanic people don’t stay vegetarian by choice too long. They may try it out, but tofu croquetas don’t taste anywhere close to as good as the ones with pig innards do.

…this is one of the few times that being white isn’t a positive thing.

Their fried rice is good, but to be honest it’s a little bland. I could be biased here since I’ve started making my own fried rice and use entirely too much seasoning. You’ll understand what I mean if you try it. Sometimes their fried rice is almost white, and this is one of the few times that being white isn’t a positive thing. Damn, that’s a fucked up joke, and just two days after Martin Luther King Day. Here’s another scenario where being white sucks: White chocolate. That stuff tastes like guilt and shame.

Mongolian beef is the shit, and theirs is fantastic. My only complaint is there’s a lot of Mongolian, but not a lot of beef. There’s maybe four thin strips of beef in there and the rest is nine pounds of crazy sauce and onions.

In addition to that stuff, they have gyoza, which are dumplings. You can get them with chicken or pork, pan fried or steamed. If you get them steamed, you are A SHIT. Not the; a. Pan fried is so much better it’s not even funny. I always view pork I didn’t cook myself dubiously because of the high risk of tapeworm infection, but damn their pork gyoza is good. Ain’t that a bitch though? If the line chef ex-con accidentally undercooks your pork you’re going to end up with a 4-yard long tapeworm in your intestines. At least you’ll lose weight.

All right, so we’ve covered enough. They deliver as far north as midtown and as far south as lower Brickell. I suggest you check them out unless you’re into Confucius. That wasn’t a joke, that was the name of another restaurant nearby.