WRT the ring: do you think it would be possible to reason with her on this? Explain that the diamond companies are cartels and artificially inflate the $ value of diamonds by a factor of ludicrous; and that they would effectively be stealing thousands of your hard-earned dollars were you to succumb to her pressure. If she really needs a diamond ring, tell her to find a 2nd hand one she likes.

Echoing the points others have made. If I was a fat out of shape sick old guy and had lost a job I loved where i was around people all the time, and I got the chance to hang out with my awesome son getting drunk and reliving glory days, I'd love it, and would give up a couple of years to do it. Your motives may ( or may not) have been ****ty, but your dad got more out than he gave, for sure.

Dump the gf, she's trouble.

Good luck with your classes, mature students often do well exactly because of what you are doing, working hard, planning your time etc.

On the classes, I agree, I skipped loads of lectures in uni, because I figured I could get through the content of an hours lecture in 5 minutes just by reading the book, but I used to just watch 24 instead, which left me a **** load to catch up on by the time exams came around.

Women that insist on large rings are trouble. Put it off as long as possible, but when it comes down to it, run.

Sorry about grandpa.

people keep telling me this. It's not happening. I am planning for our future, and that future (at the moment) is dependent on us being financially comfortable for the next few years while we finish school. An expensive ring isn't going to accomplish any meaningful end. I offered a compromise, that I'd buy her a "placeholder ring" that's more affordable, but she doesn't want it. Too bad for her. She's offered to help me buy the ring, but I'm not going to do that. That's silly. Her argument is that if she has a ring, then maybe her family will be more accepting of us living together. That's fair. I don't want her to compromise her morals to live with me, but honestly, I don't think it's that big of a deal to her because we obviously do everything else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GMan42

From what we've heard about her so far, I don't think it's too big a surprise that she expects one.

Jmakin, have you guys worked out her possessiveness issues, or has she just "been better lately" so you're cool with it? Just a word of warning, that **** never really goes away.

She's been tons better. I have a bad habit of talking only negatively about her - it's really not her, and it hurts her feelings. I just have a tendency to talk about negative things in any given situation. She's really cool, fun, and supportive. Lately she's been talking/hanging out with her old lab partner, which has caused a few jealousy issues (especially since there's no shot in hell I could pull off the same thing with a chick) but I think I'm just gonna bury my head in the sand and try to find out as little as possible about their friendship, because it's too easy to read into minute things and make a big deal of them. I trust her, and she's not going to cheat on me. The guy's pretty harmless too, I guess, but definitely has a crush on her. I'll let this one go and see what course it takes.

This has been a difficult year for me, financially and physically. Without her support I wouldn't have made it through it all, and I am deeply grateful to her for that. She cares very deeply about me, and sometimes I don't really understand it. I don't find myself particularly desirable sometimes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pushy26

Posting to sub cos I like this blog.

WRT the ring: do you think it would be possible to reason with her on this? Explain that the diamond companies are cartels and artificially inflate the $ value of diamonds by a factor of ludicrous; and that they would effectively be stealing thousands of your hard-earned dollars were you to succumb to her pressure. If she really needs a diamond ring, tell her to find a 2nd hand one she likes.

Yea, I've explained all that. It's hopeless. It's out of my means, though, so it's just not happening.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rugby

Subscribing.

Echoing the points others have made. If I was a fat out of shape sick old guy and had lost a job I loved where i was around people all the time, and I got the chance to hang out with my awesome son getting drunk and reliving glory days, I'd love it, and would give up a couple of years to do it. Your motives may ( or may not) have been ****ty, but your dad got more out than he gave, for sure.

Dump the gf, she's trouble.

Good luck with your classes, mature students often do well exactly because of what you are doing, working hard, planning your time etc.

On the classes, I agree, I skipped loads of lectures in uni, because I figured I could get through the content of an hours lecture in 5 minutes just by reading the book, but I used to just watch 24 instead, which left me a **** load to catch up on by the time exams came around.

We had minor issues about her hiding stuff from me. When I investigated further, it was all really harmless stuff that she hid because she was worried I'd get pissed off. Mostly stuff about this guy. Now, I'm not naive, but it does seem like they have some type of bond. She doesn't have any friends, really, and I want her to hang out with other people other than myself, within reason, of course. So, Friday night she calls me and asks if she's allowed to go with this guy and his friends to some Art thing down in Santa Monica. I told her that sounded like a date, but that if she wanted to go, by all means, go ahead. I was gonna go drink with one of my really good friends anyways, which I rarely get to do. I think this kind of peeved her a bit, she said something like "Well I want to sleep with you tonight."

I said, "What do you want me to do, hang around at home and stay sober while you hang out with some guy all night? No way, go do your thing, and I'll do mine. I'm not gonna be on call."

So, she went to the thing, and picked me up at my friend's house when it was over. It was reaaaally late at night, but whatever. I think I handled it well. I'm dealing with minor jealousy issues right now which are really atypical for me, but I'm trying to build trust and all that. I got super drunk, played a lot of N64 with my friend, and fell asleep on his couch. Really desperately needed to unwind.

The main thing is the way she talks to him seems way flirtier/more interested than in the way she talks to me. She never really talks about me, and always is asking him how his day is, etc. He texts the **** out of her. I'm kind of throwing my hands in the air on this one, she's obviously intent on doing what she wants to do, so becoming controlling is only going to make the situation worse.

I've definitely talked to girls while we've dated, but nothing like this. She got really mad a few months ago that I was chatting with my fling from Ireland on FB, but we're separated by thousands of miles and a few oceans.

My gf's uncle really wants to get me that job. I guess a position just opened up that pays 80k, and he said he'd try to get me 8 hour days that work around my school schedule. Not sure why he's trying to get me to do this so badly - but if it at all works with school, i'm gonna go for it maybe.

people keep telling me this. It's not happening. I am planning for our future, and that future (at the moment) is dependent on us being financially comfortable for the next few years while we finish school. An expensive ring isn't going to accomplish any meaningful end. I offered a compromise, that I'd buy her a "placeholder ring" that's more affordable, but she doesn't want it. Too bad for her. She's offered to help me buy the ring, but I'm not going to do that. That's silly. Her argument is that if she has a ring, then maybe her family will be more accepting of us living together. That's fair. I don't want her to compromise her morals to live with me, but honestly, I don't think it's that big of a deal to her because we obviously do everything else.

The issue is not whether you give in to her demands. It is that she thinks it is an appropriate demand to make.

Eh, kind of. Was talking to my step grandma yesterday, going through some of my grandpa's suits and stuff since we were exactly the same size/height, so they fit me pretty well. She said that there were "allocations" that he made to me and my siblings that he didn't make to anyone else, and it was something he wanted to do for us. She said "don't hold your breath, it's not right now, but at some point in your life, you will be very, very happy."

I'm not sure what this means. I know he mentioned to me privately that he didn't want me to worry about money, and that they were selling his apartments when he died and I was getting a share of it. That's it. My sister told me that she had a conversation with him that was similar to that, and when she mentioned how I was struggling to pay bills and go to school, he said something to the effect of "That's silly, I don't want you guys to worry about money at all."

It's kind of a strange thing coming from him, our whole lives he pounded the idea of being a "self made man" and not accepting anything from anyone. He was a very disciplined, intelligent, modest guy that really came up from nothing. I guess he had a change of heart - but honestly I'm kind of embarassed/shy about asking about the actual provisions of the will. I told my grandma that if it doesn't apply now, let's not worry about it until the time comes. She said that "She's not able to do what he asked right now," so maybe that means she's waiting for the market to pick up before she sells the property. Who knows. I kind of want to see the actual will - when enough time has passed, like 3-6 months from now, I'm going to ask my uncle about it.

I mean it seems silly to me, if his actual wishes were that I finish school without having to worry about living the way I do, that I have to struggle for a few years til she decides it's time to sell the property. I feel like it's out of my control anyway, so I'm just gonna pretend like the conversation never happened and see if I'm surprised one day.

Well, it happened finally. Me and the girl broke up. It's been about a year since we started dating.

I am a total and complete mess. I didn't anticipate it would be this hard. Over the last several weeks she's been texting and hanging out almost non-stop with this guy she met in her anatomy class. Maybe I mentioned it here, idk, I'm too lazy to look.

It's nearly 24/7 - at first it started innocently enough, but she'd call me to ask me if she could go for a motorcycle ride, or she'd start hanging out with him and waiting til I was in class to start texting him - she'd be places longer than she was supposed to and I'd get super suspicious about it, suspecting the worst.

The worst of it is really not that bad. She's just hanging out with this guy a ton and texting him a ton. I don't think she really had an opportunity to cheat, and she's sworn up and down she's not attracted to the dude. I believe her - but that's what she told me about her ex boyfriend, that she was never attracted to him physically. I also know she has a history of this type of behavior, and she has a history of being deceitful with me.

I can honestly say I've never lied to her in the course of our relationship, soemthing that previously would have been impossible for me. But over the last 6 weeks she's texting this guy stuff like "How's your day? I just woke up, I'm home alone " ad nauseum, while barely replying to my texts. Maybe this sounds chick-like of me - but to me it tells me something. I'd find her ignoring my texts while spending hours talking to this dude. Last weekend, while I was working until 10pm, she went on an art walk in Santa Monica with him and was out til 4 am. Like wtf? I don't know any guy that would be cool with this.

It came to a head a few times this week, when I expressed my concerns and that maybe she liked him a little more than "just a friend." I linked her some BS article about signs you're taking a friendship too far, and every single thing (stuff that's really obvious ldo) she was doing, like dressing up super sexy every time she knows she's gonna see him. She flat out denies she's crossing a line, but said she'd stop being his friend if it bothered me that much. I said it DOES bother me that much, but I shouldn't have to ****ing ask you to stop being his friend if it's obviously upsetting me to the point I'm about to throw my hands in the air and walk away.

So it comes to a head on friday night, and I tell her I'm sick of how paranoid I've gotten (stuff that stems from her behavior), I'm sick of being worried about her friendship with this guy, and I'm sick of her prioritizing him over me. I told her it wasn't worth it, and that there's no way I could move in with her or marry her like she wants with our relationship in its current state, so the best thing for the both of us would be to just move on.

My points:

Trust is degrading (on her end too) in the relationship, not growing.

I feel less attracted to her day by day because of this stuff.

If I tell her to stop seeing him, she'll just start hiding it, and I become the controlling dbag. If I let it go, I be miserable, and possibly let it continue into something else. It's lose lose for me, especially since I care so much.

Almost everything I do is because I'm "allowed" to. I'm terrified of her, because her tantrums are fierce and she has a habit of throwing things. Call me a pussy, or whatever, but I usually cave to her demands because they are so persistent and so fierce if denied. I stay 7 nights a week at her place, and have to get up at 5am to dodge her parents every day. She can't stay a single night at my place because "she's not good at getting up early" and if I stay a night at my place, she spends the night either hanging out or talking with this other guy. I'm emotionally hostage.

So, after ALL of this, and I tell her I'm done, the last few days I stupidly assumed she'd tone back the constant, nonstop texting and flirtatiousness. Lo and behold, I catch her getting a text from him today, and it's the same ****ing ****. Nonstop. A lot of the timestamps indicated she was texting him when I wasn't in the room or on an errand, or at work. Unbelievable. Same **** too - what are you doing today? When are you off? Yea, I'm home alone. I'm really bored.' She didn't ever stop texting him from our fight until now. I think the longest they went without texting was 4 or 5 hours at night, allowing for sleep. No "friend" texts this way, I told her, and either he wants to get in your pants or you want to get in his, and this should be obvious to her.

I lost it. I was so ****ing pissed off - maybe unreasonably, I don't know - that she'd STILL go and talk to this guy after all of this. Like, tone it down for at least a few days FFS. I got angry, she threatened to leave because I was mad at her. I told her this was HS bull****, if she was gonna leave do it, and my only option is to DGAF about anything she does anymore. Whatever, hide it from me, don't hide it from me, cheat on me, don't cheat on me - my feelings have no bearing in this relationship and they haven't for a long time. Even if i try to break up with her, she'll refuse to leave. She held me down and tried to force me to talk to her. I told her I wasn't interested in anything she said until she could at least admit that maybe her friendship with this guy was inappropriate.

I told her a MILLION times, it's not that she's going on 1-on-1 dates with him, it's not that she's talking to him 24/7, it's not that she's dressing up sexy for him, or avoiding any mention of me whatsoever when she talks to him, it's the fact that she prioritizes him over me, and it's not cool, and i've made it known a million times it's not cool, and she keeps it up.

She got enraged over the course of the convo, throwing things and hitting me with various objects within reach. I told her to stop, and to please leave. I was abused when I was a child by my mom, and I am not going to take this. I will not hit a woman. She kept it up.

At this point I'm done, and just sit there til her rage has exhausted itself. She keeps on with the "Why don't you love me?" "Why are you throwing us away?" type of stuff until she must have given up, and she collected all her things in a duffel bag, kissed me on the cheek, and left.

I told her I think we should take a week to cool off then reevaluate. In my mind, we're done. I don't want to be. i love her desperately. There are so many amazing things about her - yet I find myself constantly miserable when I am around her. How can both of those be true? I can't do it to myself anymore. If it doesn't happen now, it will happen eventually.

I just wish this wasn't so painful. I'm sorry for this emo wall of text; I don't even have a single friend to talk to this about. My entire year has been devoted to her.

I mean it's obvious to anyone that we'll probably get back together. The question is whether I have the fortitude and soundness of mind to forgo that, and make a smart decision. What if I walk away from this and regret it years later? What if I never find anyone else like this? These are real fears I have.

But I was happy when I met her, and I am no longer happy. That is important, but I cannot tell if it is because of her or my own head.

I'm terrified of her, because her tantrums are fierce and she has a habit of throwing things

She held me down and tried to force me to talk to her

She got enraged over the course of the convo, throwing things and hitting me with various objects within reach

Please get your ****ing head on straight. No matter how cool and uniquely awesome she seems the rest of the time, this **** becomes very tiresome and isn't something that you want to live with. If you get married, or move in together, it'll be that much harder to disentangle yourself, and she'll sink her claws in even harder if you try to leave.

You can easily find yourself a stable, albeit more "boring" girl that you get along with just as well. If you really keep wanting to go back, then I think the drama and violence are part of what you're attracted to, and you need to have a long talk with your shrink about what part of your past is causing it.

I stopped seeing my shrink, because I think he's full of ****. He stopped calling me for appointments anyway.

His advice to me was, "Let her cheat on you."

But yea those are things that are definitely red flags to me. They have been for a while. But part of dating someone like this is the constant brainwashing and doubting of reality that goes along with it - you start to ask yourself, "Jesus Christ, am *I* the crazy one? Am I driving her to this?"

If her past is any indication, I'd say no. She has a pattern of this behavior. But for someone with low self esteem, it's easy to blame yourself. That's what people like this prey on.

Sorry to hear about that J but her behavior seems very inappropriate. Easy for a complete stranger to say you should just leave her and move on but the evidence sure suggest you should. I know you're venting most of the time but I can't remember ever reading about anything positive she has to offer only bad and very bad things. You guys will probably go through the break up/get back together/repeat cycle for a while but this sounds like it has almost no way to end well. Aside from the severe anger issues she has the "relationship" she has with this guy IMO is COMPLETELY unacceptable. I think you will look back in a couple years on what you put up with and thank God that you let her go.

Also, leaving the door open to yourself that you might get back together just ends up causing you more pain. It's always been MUCH easier on me to completely end things with no chance of getting back together, then you can start moving on with your life (and healing) much sooner. Sure the next couple months will suck but there is something about breaking up and being newly single and trying to better yourself and and fighting through it that is very empowering and feels good.

cliffs: move on with your life, this girl seems ****ing crazing and is acting very inappropriate and you can't trust her. NEXT

I've been through the same thing with my mom, until I eventually had to cut her out of my life.

I'm very vulnerable right now, there's a ****load going on in my life and I don't know if I will have the willpower to fight through it without her. However, if we're gonna just do the breakup/get back together/breakup routine, I don't want to go through that. I just want it done, like ripping off a bandaid.

I just don't know what to do when she inevitably comes to me in a few days, tears in her eyes (which I can't stand seeing) promising the world and that she ****ed up, saying whatever she has to to get me back. I know it's going to happen and I'm just defenseless against it.

Hopefully she'll make it easy for me and **** some dude, or something. It'll suck but that'll make it easier.

From the sounds.of it she was having doubts too. Sometimes when people aren't sure they'll insist on a definite marker (a ring, for instance, sometimes a baby) from the other one, when really they're trying to recommit themselves mentally. Your instincts were correct.

You're going to be okay. The loss of comfortable companionship is hard to take but as far as I remember the occasions you've doubted yourself the most have been for reasons to do with her.

But I was happy when I met her, and I am no longer happy. That is important, but I cannot tell if it is because of her or my own head.

There needs to be no other reasons. No need to justify/rationalize it either from your side or hers. The whole point of being in a relationship is that you make each other happy; that is obviously not happening here. The relationship has run its course. Time to end it now.

People say that relationships require work (and you've certainly put your share of work into this one), but that's not really true. Relationships don't require work and shouldn't be that hard. What they do require is attention, and she doesn't seem to be giving the amount of attention to the relationship you need.

So it's time to cut it off. It's ok to be sad that something is ending and to miss the good times that you had with someone. But in the end, if both people aren't getting what they need out of the relationship then it's time to move on.

couple all of what you wrote with the fact that she is wanting (demanding maybe?) to get engaged when you've only been dating a year and this seems like a no brainer gfto situation. no way 2 people in their early 20's should be getting engaged/married after a year of dating imo.

She spent the last few hours pleading with me through text, i laid out my case and told her if it doesn't end now, then it will end eventually.

I got some things out of her, that she knows this guy "maybe" (lol) likes her and she still seeks out his company. She said it's because she likes the attention, but whatever.

So she said to give her a chance to fix things, and i said i think they're beyond fixing now. She wants me to give her another chance so i told her i'd talk to her tonight.

I don't have a lot of illusions about where this is going and i fully expect it to be better for a few weeks then fall apart again. I'm going to make her fully aware that there are no other "chances" at this - either we work or we don't work. It hasn't been working, so we'll see.