Comments for Paging Dr. NerdLovehttp://www.doctornerdlove.com
Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern NerdSat, 10 Dec 2016 00:09:00 +0000hourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.7Comment on Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It OK To Date For Practice? by Dan Brodribbhttp://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/12/ask-dr-nerdlove-ok-date-practice/#comment-967411
Sat, 10 Dec 2016 00:09:00 +0000http://www.doctornerdlove.com/?p=8469#comment-967411“On the one hand I would like to be free to leave if I’m not happy anymore. On the other hand…”

What has been helping me with commitment is looking closer at the word ‘happy’ and trying to define it more precisely.

Does happiness mean never being bored or uncomfortable? Does it mean having my way all the time? Does it mean being able to do whatever I want whenever I want? For a while I thought it did, and now I’m less sure. So that’s been helpful.

A second thing–paradoxically–has been recognizing that I’m always free to leave. In the past I worried I wouldn’t be able to break up with someone or that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I’d doubt my ability to know when enough was enough. But I also doubted my ability to recognize who was worth committing to. So I’d always be looking for signs to commit or external things to make the choice for me. (I’ve seen others have done this with marriage, pregnancy, etc. using it as a way to have the choice made for them (“We’re engaged/married so I can’t back out now”)

Recognizing its always an option helps me with that. I am always free to leave for whatever reason. And I am also free to make the choice to stay…also for whatever reason.

And knowing that actually makes it easier for me to relax and take responsibility instead of looking to how I feel at any given moment or for some external sign as the signal to stay or leave.

And that in turn is helping me trust myself which for me helps not just with the decision to stay or leave, but also in recognizing WHEN its time to start thinking about that choice, It’s also helped me in making decisions I can stick with instead of reversing course as soon as my thoughts/feelings change.

]]>Comment on Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It OK To Date For Practice? by Georgia Delanyhttp://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/12/ask-dr-nerdlove-ok-date-practice/#comment-967410
Fri, 09 Dec 2016 23:21:00 +0000http://www.doctornerdlove.com/?p=8469#comment-967410That’s really terrible and I’m really not sure what you expect the letter writer would achieve by following this advice.
]]>Comment on Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It OK To Date For Practice? by Jimmy Two-Hammershttp://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/12/ask-dr-nerdlove-ok-date-practice/#comment-967409
Fri, 09 Dec 2016 22:53:00 +0000http://www.doctornerdlove.com/?p=8469#comment-967409DNL has written about it:

Here’s the thing…”flirting” was never really supposed to denote a seriousness of intent. Now…it CAN, but there’s a reason we use the phrase “flirting with danger” for someone who is coming close to, but not falling into, a dangerous situation.

However, flirting has come to mean, that’s in part to PUA’s, the sort of negging and shit-tests that PUA’s pull. This isn’t true, this isn’t true for most people.

Also, people are AWFUL at telling when someone is flirting with them. Men are much, much worse than women at it and depending on their attitude pick up a lot of false positives or assume anything is a negative.

Now, you can layer in elements of seduction, interest, attraction, and the like into flirting to make them more than just friendly, platonic flirting.

Even the people who are doing it don’t always know when they’re flirting, or how far they’ve taken it.

Sometimes flirting is literally just “being nice”, but the tone suggests something more, but also that they’re just joking.

People have asked why DNL uses the “gentle teasing” or “ribbing” or “playful insults” examples, but honestly part of it is because there’s no singular thing that can be pointed to as “flirting”.

The wiki article for “flirting” is amusing because literally everything is potentially flirting…which, you know, is kinda true.

I’m not sure I agree with them linking flirting and coquetry if only because coquettish behavior was usually gendered as feminine flirtatious behavior….specifically as applied to a coquettish ingenue, as I can’t really think of boys or men being displayed as ingenue characters.

]]>Comment on Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It OK To Date For Practice? by One True Guesthttp://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/12/ask-dr-nerdlove-ok-date-practice/#comment-967408
Fri, 09 Dec 2016 22:48:00 +0000http://www.doctornerdlove.com/?p=8469#comment-967408Absolutely. I know plenty of couples who are in long term monogamous committed relationships without getting married (they have kids, houses etc). I think these days the question of why get married is a tough one to answer if you don’t have a religious or legal reason. But ultimately it’s a gut thing I think, an emotional thing. Sometimes symbols matter to people and sometimes they don’t. And that alone says something about the values of an individual. So someone who is strongly against the symbol and someone strongly in favour of it likely also have other incompatibilities. If it’s less strong, then I imagine someone can compromise and it’s not big deal. For me, I don’t NEED marriage, but I’d like it. And I couldn’t for the life of me give you a logical reason why. Fortunately my boyfriend feels the same. So yay two people who are mildly in favour of symbols 🙂 .
]]>Comment on Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It OK To Date For Practice? by Willhubbellhttp://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/12/ask-dr-nerdlove-ok-date-practice/#comment-967407
Fri, 09 Dec 2016 22:33:00 +0000http://www.doctornerdlove.com/?p=8469#comment-967407Great answer, thank you
]]>