Can be found: Sipping raki in one of Olympos' tree houses, lecturing a trapped-looking crowd of locals about the guiding principles of Buddhism.

Favourite phrase: “When I was in India with Swarmi Shivananda...”

If you eat your roast beef in Turkey, it's considered Turkish food, right?

The bucket and spade brigade

Characteristics: Tramp stamps, hoops, muffin tops and tight, low-cut singlets on the girls; bicep tattoos, gold chains and pastel-coloured vests on the guys. Staying at the cheapest accommodation in Altinkum, and never staying in the same bed twice.

Can be found: During the day: watching the Millwall game at whichever sports bar does the cheapest roast beef dinner. At night: scrapping in the street.

Favourite phrase: "Oi, stay away from my bird!"

Posh and Becks cool their heels after a long day fleeing the paparazzi.

Characteristics: A walking golf stereotype: plus fours, golf cart and shiny new golf clubs bought just for the occasion.

Can be found: In Belek, of course. Stuck in a sand trap or lamenting the water features of one of the resort town's seven golf clubs. Later, the golfer can be spotted at the bar, complaining about his handicap and massaging lotion into his sunburnt bald patch.