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'Real Housewives of New York City': Reunion recap, Part 1 of 3. No, really.

June 11, 2010 | 11:22
am

To the lady readers of this post: Cross your legs before proceeding.

A three-part reunion? Like, Bravo, are you serious? Should I be expecting a special appearance by jelly beans and lollipops, in which the camera will focus on the candied treats for minutes to kill time? There is no reason -- NONE -- for a three-part special. I can barely tolerate the two-part specials that have become the norm. At this point, I'm waiting for Bravo to start making these things into movies with random trips to Abu Dhabi. Wait. Has that been done? Don't get me wrong. I most certainly enjoyed Part One of the gathering. But I would have LOVED it had it been an hour of every amazingly awesome moment from the three parts crammed into one. I’m an addict, I know.

But there is no thinking. There is no breathing. I have a job to do.

So let's break down it all down into satchels of gold:

-- We were again given the delightful replay of Alex's awesomely absurd statement heard 'round the world -- at least, in the parts that get Bravo: "While you are in high school, I am in Brooklyn." It never gets old.

-- In the midst of Alex trying to explain her new lease on meanness (or frankness), she also got a lesson on how to sit without her woohoo showing. And who would have thought that lesson would come from Kelly? The Department of Pants and Leggings hasn't provided her much protection this season.

-- When Alex politely snapped at LuAnn with, "Let me finish, dear," I was half expecting LuAnn to jump to her feet and break into an Auto-Tune-laced song with lyrics like, "'Dear' doesn't make you chic' or 'A lady says dahhhhling, my friend."

-- Two words: Turrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttle time. I'm not usually a fan of all the montages from the season. The episodes just aired. I don't need a reminder. But when it comes to the Ramona bits, I get pretty giddy with joy.

-- Another two words: Pronounced eyes. Thanks, Andy Cohen, for finding a polite way to describe Ramona's ogglers. That was pure bliss.

-- More from the Ramona Coaster. The pronounced-eyed Cameron Diaz wannabe explained that she regretted her harshness toward Bethenny on the Brooklyn Bridge: "If I had to erase one comment out of all my comments, that's the one." Kelly, of course, jumped in: "Oh really, not that I'm stupid?" Oh, Kelly, you must have been imagining doing cartwheels. Ramona was talking about things she regretted saying!

-- The major conflict this season has been the atrociously overplayed fight between ex-best friends Bethenny and Jill. It's still very much unresolved, but the only one who seems to care is Jill. The back-and-forth exchanges were excruciating to watch. And viewers got more back story to their division. Bethenny claimed that the main factor leading to the demise of their relationship was Jill allowing the "fame" go to her head, an accusation that Bethenny (whose spinoff show documenting her pregnancy and marriage premiered after the reunion special) also faced. Oh, and there was that little mention of Jill's apparent sabotage: She told the other Housewives not to film with Bethenny. Jealous much?

-- Did anyone else catch the chillingly terrifying look Kelly gave LuAnn after the songstress called her "a little rabbit in the woods"? It was as if Kelly had to calm herself down by imagining unprocessed gummy bears growing on vines.

-- An honorable mention to viewers for providing the best (most unnecessary) questions/statements: "Alex, what's with the hives?" and "Simon seems bloated this season." They were things I didn't even know I cared to know.

So ShowTrackers, what did you think of the first part of the reunion? Should there be three parts to this thing? Are you excited for Round Two? The drama continues as Kelly tells Ramona that her "blood type is Pinot Grigio" -- aw, she's trying to be witty! And Sonja makes an appearance! Until then, share your favorite moments from Part One of the special or from the season in the comments section.