Philadelphia MFT

Between traveling, prepping ourselves for potential family foolishness and browsing the "Black Friday"/"Cyber Monday" sales; we've become detached from actually feeling thankful about anything on Thanksgiving. Here are a few tips for cutting the things limiting us from feeling gratitude this Thanksgiving.

Unplug from social mediaSocial media can be the fastest ways to send you into a black hole of ungratefulness. It's a great way to stay connected with our family and friends but can serve as a way to make you question what you actually have to feel thankful for. It's hard to cultivate gratitude when you're comparing your first fried turkey attempt to Tiffany from high school's perfectly executed turkey complete with homemade stuffing and sweet potato pie. If you feel that you immediately go to comparing yourself to others on social media; be honest with yourself and refrain from using it. Delete the apps off your phone; better yet turn OFF your phone to really enjoy the company of the ones your with. Remember comparison is a deterrent of thankfulness so if others posts on Instagram exacerbates that in you; get rid of it.

Serve others One of the best ways to feel thankful for all you have in your life is to help those that are less fortunate than you are. The goal here is not to make yourself feel better about your own situation because you are doing "better" than someone. The goal is to grow empathy and understanding of that person's life experience. Growing that will help you understand that you're not any different than those that you're serving. Life can and will throw anyone for a loop and you aren't exempt from that. Appreciate your present circumstances because they can always change. Here are a places to volunteer this holiday season: Volunteering on Thanksgiving in Philadelphia

Verbalize your blessingsThere is something powerful about speaking your blessings out loud. Verbalizing your circumstances forces you to acknowledge how great or horrible they are. Write a list of the great as well as the things you take for granted and say out loud what you're thankful for. When you speak it from your mouth and hear it with your own two ears, it will keep you from ruminating over things that are petty and out of your control.

Thanksgiving is a time to be fully present with the ones you love as well as reflective about the positive things going on in your life. Reiteration of our blessings and the love we have with and for our friends, families and our world can only bring about more of the positivity that the world so desperately needs.

﻿ In the early stages of a relationship, we idealize our partners. Their quirks are endearing, and their bad habits are easily overlooked. Over time, their shortcomings become more and more apparent and we grow to resent them. As dissatisfaction ensues, many are left wondering how they chose such a partner. But in reality, they were always this person. So what changed?​ We all have expectations for our partners, our relationships, and ourselves. But these expectations have a tendency to far outweigh reality. As the magic of the “honeymoon phase” of dating (the first 18 months) wears off, we are left with unrealistic expectations that are impossible for our partners to live up to. So how can this be reconciled? The answer is simple. Lower your expectations and you will be happier for it. I know, I know, this is not what you were hoping to hear. But it can be life changing. If you can accept that your partner’s quirks are simply personality traits and not anything more, than you can start to remember why you loved them in the first place. Your partner is not perfect, and neither are you; but you are perfect for each other. Lowering your expectations to match reality will alleviate a lot of the frustration you currently feel and will give your relationship the space it needs to flourish.

Apologizing is an underrated and underused skill. In life there is always conflict, mistake and misunderstanding. Because of these constants, there is always a need for an apology. Think back to any time you’ve felt wronged and were apologized to by the offending person. Did the apology fix the entire situation? Probably not. Did the apology help you to feel better? Likely so. An apology is not always a cure all, but it is surely a step in the right direction. Many people to recognize the need for apologies but do not know to properly execute them. Below are some tips to help you recognize when and why you need to apologize more:​Benefits

You let a person know that you’re taking accountability for your actions.

You can reopen the lines of communication and move forward in repairing.

Both parties can have a sense of relief and a reduction of stress.

When you should?If you’re aware that something you did has caused another person pain, an apology is normally in order. Your intention may not have been to the hurt the person, but the reality is that you have and it’s important to take ownership for that. Apologizing opens up the line of communication and will ultimately give you the opportunity to express that your intent was not to be hurtful. Letting a person know that you feel bad that you have caused them pain, let’s them know that you actually care about their feelings. This creates an atmosphere of trust and safety, which allows for more open conversations in the future. Take the time after an apology to start discussing boundaries. Often times the original offense is a result of a lack of clear boundaries.

Things to avoidYou should avoid apologizing in order to get the other person to stop talking about the offense. This usually comes off as insincere and often compounds the problem. Avoid, dodging responsibility in your apology. For example, “I’m sorry if you feel” places the blame back on the other person and can invalidate their feelings. One of the biggest mistakes people make when apologizing is incorporating a promise with it. Telling someone “I’m sorry, I promise this won’t happen again” sounds good but what happens if you do it again? You’ve essentially made a promise you couldn’t keep and established a pattern of being hurtful.

ObstaclesOne of the biggest obstacles people face when issuing apologies is an admission of guilt. Some people believe that apologizing is synonymous with taking responsibility for the entire conflict instead of their particular role in it. Another obstacle people have is that an apology often draws focus on a mistake they’ve made, which can be an uncomfortable feeling for some.

I should have done this.You should have done that.What if I had done that?

These are common types of wishes for something different or better after the result the was delivered.

'Should have' or 'what if' questions aren't a problem generally, but some people get stuck in thinking about them. The decision(s) was made and what followed was regrettable, traumatic or something else that is difficult to face.

Then it becomes a problem. Getting caught up in 'what if' or 'should have' thinking means you aren't living in the present moment; you are living in the past, a past that can't be changed and becomes more and more distant - while the emotional effects are held closely –as the present continues to roll past and the future becomes the now and the then.

In this case, more decisions are coming your way, but not being dealt with – either ignored, trying to reverse course or being made while the past effects are too influential. It becomes an endless loop: Reaction, that immediate, gut expression takes over, instead of responding to a new set of circumstances.

Facing a bad choice takes courage – an ability to look at why you made the decisions you did and learning from this.This is the more cognitive/rational/logical approach to moving beyond a 'what if' loop.

No one can be prepared for every possible outcome, and anxious people spend a lot of time and energy trying, but is there a simpler solution? Rather than planning for 50, 100 (more?) outcomes, prepare yourself emotionally. You have fewer possible outcomes – maybe 6 – and how you respond to each of these emotions is applicable over and over again in every situation.

Sad, anger, disgust, fear, surprise andhappy. Those are the 6 basic emotions, and processing these feelings around the decisions made and the reaction can be an approach that makes you more resilient in future difficult scenarios. If anger, sadness or fear is holding you back, then knowing these are feelings that you can handle makes that decision with unknown consequences less frightening.

It's not easy at first – maybe ever – to pinpoint these basic emotions, but effort – talking to someone or journaling – can bring your awareness to a place that allows you to see deeper into yourself, and it is here – deeper – where lasting change can better take hold.

So next time you ask yourself 'What if?' or tell yourself you should have done something different take it as a cue to reset your focus to now and do the work to build yourself up for next moment.