Books & Writing

Book review: Shame by Jasvinder Sanghera

Every now and again, you experience a moment in your life where you realise that there is so much more to the world than what you see.

**advisory: the subject matter discussed in this book and thus also in this review may cause distress to some. It is a subject which the author feels must be talked about and so I am sharing my experience of reading her book and sharing how it has affected me. This review seeks to share the importance of the subject matter discussed in the book and to spread the message that help is out there. I do not wish to taint the reputation of an entire culture: for some, these cultural traditions are a part of their lives they they are happy with and no harm is caused, and that is fine. This book focuses on the need to support those for whom these cultural traditions are not welcome and are forced upon them by family members, friends, and the wider community. Please bear this in mind whilst reading. Thank you**

As a child, I'd attended primary schools with a large number of ethnic minority children and that was just the way it was to me, there was nothing odd or unusual about it. I figured I understood their cultures rather well: we greeted everyone in assembly with 'good morning Mrs..., good morning everyone, salamalekum"; I'd ask them about various traditions such as Eid; I'd marvel at the beautiful henna patterns on their hands.

But then, one morning a couple of months ago, I realised I was still a million miles away from their cultures.

As a trainee teacher, we had the opportunity to listen to a speech by Jasvinder Sanghera - founder and CEO of the charity Karma Nirvana. She stood for hours telling us her story and of her work, and it was truly inspiring.

In this book, which I bought a copy of during the lecture and that Jasvinder kindly signed for me, she recounts her experience of her Sikh culture, mainly focusing on her experience of arranged marriages, forced marriages, and honour-based abuse and violence.

Jasvinder was raised in a family of 8 siblings - one boy and seven girls - and recounts observing as her elder sisters were set up to marry men they had never met. She watched as they went off to Pakistan to meet their husbands, to marry them, and then to return to England, leave their education and work in dead-end jobs to save money to sponsor their husband to come and join them in England.

Jasvinder had higher aspirations than that. She longed for an education. She wanted to finish her GCSEs and do her A levels. She wanted to work hard to earn the money to buy a house with a garden. She wanted to be her own woman. She wanted what her culture - or, more specifically, her family - would not allow.

Jasvinder took a stand against her arranged marriage and after being held a prisoner, locked in her own bedroom and guarded around the clock, she ran away from home at the age of 15. Her family disowned her and her community despised her. To them, she was dead.

Jasvinder's book, Shame, tells of her struggles to keep herself going once banished from her community. She tells of the impact her actions had upon her relationships with her family members and the shame they felt she had brought on them.

This book, however, is an uplifting story of staying true to one's self, of overcoming hatred and adversity to do what you feel is the right thing, and of learning to forgive.

Jasvinder tells of how she set up her charity, Karma Nirvana, to help women like her: women who were no longer safe, women who were being abused, women who had nowhere to go.

Upon reading this book, I realised that I was so ignorant to the lives of those around me. Had I made the same mistakes that others had? Had I turned a blind eye to young women going on long holidays, assuming it was part of their culture? Had I ignored rumours of classmates returning as married women? Had I made that same mistake of thinking that arranged marriages and forced marriages were the same thing?

This book has opened my eyes and I truly believe it is a book which needs to be shared, to raise awareness of these longstanding traditions which go against UK law and legislation. It breaks the silence on issues that are rarely talked about for fear of - as Jasvinder herself puts it - rocking the multicultural boat.

Just a few months after her lecture, I remember being at University and going to use the bathroom. I entered the cubicle and on the back of the door there was a little flyer from Karma Nirvana. "Forced marriage is not legal in the UK. It is not part of any tradition or culture" it read. Heartbreakingly, next to this flyer, I found someone had written "tell that to my parents". I'll never know the woman who wrote that, and I'll never know her story. I'll never know whether she went through with the marriage, whether she was punished for her reluctance and her refusal to comply, or whether maybe - just maybe - she contacted Karma Nirvana and got their support. Either way, I find myself thinking about her and wondering what happened. I hope she is OK.

This is a book which, truly, has changed the way that I see the world.

I urge you to pick up a copy and give it a read. If you can't bring yourself to read it or you're simply not sure, at the very least I urge you to watch Jasvinder's TED talk which was simply inspiring.

Disclaimer: I know many people who have partaken in arranged marriages as part of their cultural heritage. These people are happy with the arrangement and they are in marriages that they want to be in. It is important to stress that forced marriage is a marriage in which one or both 'partners' do not wish to enter into marriage with the other person, and pressure, punishment, emotional or physical abuse, is used to force the two to marry. The forced marriage arrangement is against UK law, thanks to legislation supported by Jasvinder herself. I do not wish here to rock that multicultural boat or to suggest in any way that culture is a bad thing, or to suggest that all members of these cultures are victims and/or perpetrators. But for some women, and even for some men, this is a harsh reality and it needs to be talked about. If you have any further questions on the matter, or if you have been affected by any of the issues mentioned in this review, I urge you to visit the Karma Nirvana website and seek their help.