Gold Member

Are you always going to be who you are?
I know sounds stupid but after reading post of the past couple years, I have thought about it.
Posts where he treats me like crap, she dumped me, he is jealous, she is submissive, his family, her kids. People tell them to get rid of them, move on. They will never change. Will they never change? Are they always going to be that way? Many years ago love made me do some things that I would never do and I am not very proud of it. Nothing really bad, jealous type of things as the relationship was ending. I was not me.
I hope this makes sense. Sometimes it is hard to put thoughts in written words.

Putting things in written words is sometimes harder then hard. I know because I sometimes have a difficult time with it and what I do put in writing gets completely misunderstood and then it's nearly impossible to correct.. As for always being who you are, well, people do change either from experience or some tramatic thing that may have happened to them. Some more then others..Even being in a situation that takes away from your normal life can change you, but it's something others around you see that you don't. Others can see a change in us while we don't see and refuse to believe that we have changed, even the minor things. To this day, I wish I was the person I was 9 years ago..I was never like how I am now, constantly exhausted...

You know, I just have to comment on this particular line too and I cant help but feel blessed by my ability to express my emotions and thoughts via "pen and paper". Those who know me in real life can all tell you that when it comes to expressing myself verbally, I sometimes can fail miserably...but if I write it out, it's like an epiphany.

As to the topic itself, it is also such a true point that you bring up. Time and time again, I watch people do the same habitual mistakes over and over. Even I do. Fortunately there are people who consistantly show compassion and caring throughout their lives too, and I'm glad they dont change. But thats not to say that people don't change: circumstance, events, conscious decision...they do sometimes facilitate a change in one's personality, be it for better or worse. More often than not, though, I'd say that most people remain the "same" for their entire lives.

Gold Member

More often than not, though, I'd say that most people remain the "same" for their entire lives.

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This is the answer. People can consciously modify behavior, and it is a task, but I believe we are born with a personality that makes each of us unique, and is the footprint for who we are. Certainly events, people, situations leave impressions in us that alter our perceptions and feelings, but the true self remains the same, always. Those who sit and really think about it can find through reflection that the person that "never used to be this way" really was that person all along. So if that person does not work for you, there comes a time when you move on, or stay unhappy.

Gold Member

Are you always going to be who you are?
I know sounds stupid but after reading post of the past couple years, I have thought about it.
Posts where he treats me like crap, she dumped me, he is jealous, she is submissive, his family, her kids. People tell them to get rid of them, move on. They will never change. Will they never change? Are they always going to be that way? Many years ago love made me do some things that I would never do and I am not very proud of it. Nothing really bad, jealous type of things as the relationship was ending. I was not me.
I hope this makes sense. Sometimes it is hard to put thoughts in written words.

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As for people changing, that's up to each person. Some people take lessons from their experiences and make their life better a tiny bit at a time. It adds up and those people end up feeling good about themselves. They usually have a balanced perspective and can make sound choices.

Others have the same kinds of experiences, and for whatever reason, they don't pay attention and learn, or apply, any of those useful bits. They find themselves unhappy at a time in their life when, as the saying goes, "You're old enough to know better." But it's never too late to start.

Tell me if I've got it right here; if I'm not mistaken, the bold type is where you stop talking about other people's posts, and start telling us about yourself. Sorry, it was just unclear to me.

Now then, don't you think you're bullshitting yourself? From what I interpret, years ago while you were emotionally wrecked, you let your anger, not love, guide your decisions to do things that you knew were wrong while you were doing them. It was you. You can't do things that you would never do.

People change all the time, life seems to change us, traumatic events etc.. Now as far as character traits I don't thing we change, or we think we have and the same things keep coming up and making us lose certain things in life. Esample of character traits I believe are possesiveness, control, stubborn things along these line.
I can't tell you how many times over the years that I have heard someone say oh I am not controlling anymore and they still are even though they don't see it.
Am I going to be the same person in 10years, yes in some aspect, my character traits are not going to change, I am still going to be stubborn, the things that I am willing to accept and not accept in a relationship aren't going to change.
So the answer to this question is yes and no. I mean char. things I don't believe change, feelings and emotions always change. I am happy with who I am and when it comes to everyday life things of course people change then, but things that are there character trait, I dont think change.

Gold Member

As for people changing, that's up to each person. Some people take lessons from their experiences and make their life better a tiny bit at a time. It adds up and those people end up feeling good about themselves. They usually have a balanced perspective and can make sound choices.

Others have the same kinds of experiences, and for whatever reason, they don't pay attention and learn, or apply, any of those useful bits. They find themselves unhappy at a time in their life when, as the saying goes, "You're old enough to know better." But it's never too late to start.

Tell me if I've got it right here; if I'm not mistaken, the bold type is where you stop talking about other people's posts, and start telling us about yourself. Sorry, it was just unclear to me.

Now then, don't you think you're bullshitting yourself? From what I interpret, years ago while you were emotionally wrecked, you let your anger, not love, guide your decisions to do things that you knew were wrong while you were doing them. It was you. You can't do things that you would never do.

The only thing I have to base my answer on is the words you posted.

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If you look, I didn't post anything in bold type. Don't know why it showed up in the quote. So there is nothing to interpret. I was using me as an example to aid in conveying the point I was trying to make. I am posting this to be judged for my actions.

Gold Member

If you look, I didn't post anything in bold type. Don't know why it showed up in the quote. So there is nothing to interpret. I was using me as an example to aid in conveying the point I was trying to make. I am posting this to be judged for my actions.

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I highlighted that text because I thought you had switched from examples of others to an example of something you had personally experienced, but I wasn't sure. That's why I said, "Tell me if I've got it right here; if I'm not mistaken, the bold type is where you stop talking about other people's posts, and start telling us about yourself. Sorry, it was just unclear to me."

I then addressed that part in my last paragraph. In my assumption that it was referring to yourself, I played devils advocate to try and extract a personal truth from a statement I thought to be rife with self denial.

Gold Member

Many of us change a great deal over time. Our personalities may be part of our dna makeup, but more than anything we are what we've learned to be, and that can change as our lives change. I was once a success-driven individual. A few different things culminating in a near-death experience changed all that, and I adopted the "live each day like it was your last" philosophy. I now live differently, think differently and act differently (not necessarily better or worse).

I think our partners can also play a big part in how we change. I used to be more like my first wife (a bank executive), but now I'm more like my present wife (an aging hippy).

Gold Member

Maybe take this one step further. People bring out different sides of other people. If you are around someone that brings out the bad side in you and you are normally really not that kind of person. Are you, yourself?

Gold Member

I don't think anyone can bring the bad side in you out. I think each individual makes the choice to act a certain way at a given time. Well, at least I do. If I choose to act badly around a person, it's my problem.

Gold Member

Ditto that. You can be either good, bad, or somewhere in between. It's entirely up to you. A mature person shouldn't let anyone dictate their thoughts, beliefs, and actions. Anyone that allows others to manipulate them needs to think about why they do, and how to grow a spine.

Gold Member

I tend to think that I'm continually evolving. Continually growing, emotionally and mentally. I see where the original point is made, in that fundamentally, people don't change. A cheater will likely continue cheating. An asshole will likely continue to be an asshole. Outside factors won't change these traits.

BUT, if that change is initiated from within... If the person genuinely sees they have a problem, and work to change those aspects of their personality and their lives, then I DO agree that someone CAN change. But again, I stress that this drive, this desire to change MUST come from within, and MUST be genuine. Some people do see the light.

As to the second part of this discussion, yes, you can let others affect your personality. But that's a choice one makes. I see this more as adapting your personality to better fit in with a person, or group of people; rather than just being yourself.

In a way I do this each and every day. I hide aspects of my personality from everyone around me. Sometimes people will say things I believe to be wrong, but rather than challenge them, I will often just nod in indifference, keeping my real opinion (and my real identity) to myself. In the strictest sense, it's not healthy, but sometimes you have to adapt a little to be accepted. And sometimes that acceptance is just as important.

Gold Member

I tend to think that I'm continually evolving. Continually growing, emotionally and mentally. I see where the original point is made, in that fundamentally, people don't change. A cheater will likely continue cheating. An asshole will likely continue to be an asshole. Outside factors won't change these traits.

BUT, if that change is initiated from within... If the person genuinely sees they have a problem, and work to change those aspects of their personality and their lives, then I DO agree that someone CAN change. But again, I stress that this drive, this desire to change MUST come from within, and MUST be genuine. Some people do see the light.

As to the second part of this discussion, yes, you can let others affect your personality. But that's a choice one makes. I see this more as adapting your personality to better fit in with a person, or group of people; rather than just being yourself.

In a way I do this each and every day. I hide aspects of my personality from everyone around me. Sometimes people will say things I believe to be wrong, but rather than challenge them, I will often just nod in indifference, keeping my real opinion (and my real identity) to myself. In the strictest sense, it's not healthy, but sometimes you have to adapt a little to be accepted. And sometimes that acceptance is just as important.

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Yes, a well adjusted person, continually tunes themselves for the better. About the last paragraph though; keeping some things close is necessary just for civil social function. And you have to pick your battles too. A group of adults each knows the others buffer their thoughts and opinions before being sent to the vocal chords, all for their own reasons. After all, brutal truth is never a good policy, you wouldn't tell a woman her baby was ugly. And most healthy people accept that.

I shouldn't be writing this late at night. I hope i can delete it if it makes no sense in the... morning.