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I had my second IC session with my new IC. For the second time he keeps speaking about my FOO and my upbringing. I was always an introvert and guess I still am. I never shared my feelings with my family. I just kept to myself. My parents passively raised us. They wanted me to succeed and gave me opportunities that most families would never have experienced. At one point while speaking about how my father did not actively show encouragement to me I thought I was going to cry. I know my Dad is really proud of me and even more so now. He's just the type of guy that keeps it in.

I was just average in school. I remember the first month of each grade in high school I would be far ahead of most other students. Then as the year would go on I would fall behind. I would lose interest. In the end the possible A student was a C student. As I would start to fall behind, my parents through encouragement of my various teachers would put me in programs to try and help me keep distractions to a minimum. It still didn't work because I didn't have someone looking over my shoulder. I'm not trying to shift blame. I know in the end it was me who had to break it but man it was hard to focus on something you were told to do and not wanted to do.

Up until recently I was still the same way. I still am in some aspects. My IC today said I probably have ADD which is funny as it was suggested in a post a couple of weeks ago. My BW is upset that I'm trying to blame my upbringing on my A. I'm not. I'm trying to understand what go me there and my IC keeps focusing on that. I love my family and don't see how they played a part when I am the person that controls my fate. They may have been reactive rather than proactive but they were still there trying to help. Hopefully these IC sessions will help me uncover what lead me to the A. Something is stopping me from reaching deep down inside to try and find out. I don't know why though.

Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada

stilllovinghim♀ 29971Member # 29971

Posted: 9:57 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013

Keep in mind this was only your second session. I understand wanting to get to your "Why's" asap, but these things can't be rushed. Give your IC some time. If its still bothering you then just come out and tell him/her directly your concerns.

Also, if ADD is suspected make sure you get a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist who specializes in ADD/ADHD. If you do end up learning you have ADD or possibly something else, read up on it. Take your meds if prescribed and keep working.

Look at it from this angle, when you put on weight it was quick and easy and you didn't really notice how fat you got until you couldn't button your pants and even then you could be in denial, "oh these jeans just came out of the dryer" or, "I dont know why I have all this cellulite all of a sudden. Must be the fork that's making me fat or the wife's cooking or the moon isn't alingned right" etc instead of admitting you ate junk and sweets every night and was a couch potato. You put on 5, 10, 15 lbs and it was almost unnoticeable and so easy to do and so quick! So when the time comes when you admit hey, its my fault for putting on weight not anyone else's. You start eating right and exercising and guess what? Its hard! Its discouraging and takes sooooo long and you have to not only make changes but lifelong changes perminate healthy changes of diet and exercise!! This metaphor maybe isn't the best, but I think you know what I'm getting at.

“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1944 | Registered: Oct 2010

Sam793♂ 37081Member # 37081

Posted: 3:41 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013

I guess I was just rambling on. I know it's my fault. I know I was the one who had the affair. My parents didn't force me to have one. I did it myself. I wish I just didn't do it to my BW. I didn't hate her. I just ignored my marriage responsibilities. It's for better or for worse. I ignored the worse.

Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada

Misfit123♀ 38471Member # 38471

Posted: 3:43 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013

Somehting I have learned thru IC about tackling the FOO issues. It's not blaming our pasts/upbringings, it's looking back at one's life and noticing the patterns of our learned coping skills. Learning how we felt then and how we dealt with our issues back then. Now we can see our pattern of bad choices (bad coping skills) and learn from them.
It's so worth looking back for a little while just to understand you, your learned coping skills. I came from a family of 8 kids, so the parents not showing encouragement is an understatement. How about showing more attention to us. My Dad made me feel unacceptable in ways.It sucked being just a number sometimes. My siblings and I all learned different coping skills, some good some not so good.
I wrote this in my journal recently:
Going Forward - It's about using what I have learned about myself (thru IC) And How I choose to act and react to current and future situations.

It's not easy sometimes, but it's was very helpful for me to look back over my life thus far and see how I acted and how my coping skills since childhood did have patterns.
I now know how important communication is with one's spouse. I have always been confilct avoidant and introverted myself. So I always kept in my real feelings and went along with whatever BH wanted. But I built up that wall between me and my BH. Now that I know my weaknesses I can rebuild, Going forward, being genuine, speaking up for maybe different sides of an issue, No more holding in real feelings. And Bh says he has faults too to work on. Don't we all? Everyone has the "phychological air" that they grew up with. The way we learn how to act, how to show and deal with emotionsand feelings.
A very good book that has really helped me is
"When anger scares you"
How to Overcome
Your Fear of Conflict
& Express Your Anger
in Healthy Ways
By: John R. Lynch

I still have a couple chapters to go but it is good. It was also very hard to read at time because it would bring up old hurts. But it has been very educational for me.

Good Luck to you and give the IC a chance.I think it's good to start with FOO to learn what Your different patterns are.
Sorry this was so long

FWW 40's
BH 50's
2 kids
EA D day 8-2011 (wasn't truthful- EA was actually PA also)
PA D-day 1-29-2013
some TT after
working on R - taking it slowly to try to get it right :-)

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2013

Sam793♂ 37081Member # 37081

Posted: 5:37 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013

That's more along the lines my IC was talking about. Not so much how they treated me but how I reacted to signs of negativity or punishment. Running and hiding was the best way I dealt with it. Still do. I always did that to my BW. I don't want it anymore. I also don't want to alarm my BW with this new way. I don't want to seem argumentative or standoffish. I'll have to try it out so see if I can stay strong.

Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up