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Washington D.C.: Land of the Brie, Home of the Knave

When it comes to weather, Washington is the wimpiest city on earth. People here
couldn't make it a day in Iceland's capital. Much less spell it.

People here are unfriendly too. Just ask anybody who is here but
not from here.

We all know that.

Is that because the headquarters of most federal agencies are here?
Is it because Congress is here? Did each state and each congressional district
conspire to send us the 535 people they definitely don't want hanging around at
home? Are they willing to elect them, then keep reelecting them while paying them
handsomely to stay away as often as possible? Did they send them here so they
will do whatever they do here, not back home in fill-in-the-blank where the
water's sweeter and the air is purer than in this glorified swamp? After all:

Schools here close at the drop of a drip, correct?

The government declares liberal annual leave a lot.

Metro cars go out of service if too many pigeons are spotted in
one place.

Perhaps I exaggerate. But not much.

A lot of people here are from someplace else. And they never forget
and they never let you forget it. Even if you too come from fill-in-the-blank.

The pizza here stinks compared to (fill-in-the-blank)!

A decent bagel in D.C.? Fuhgettaboutit!

Cheesesteak sandwich — here?! Are you nuts?

Also, it is too damp in the summer and winter.
Not like fill-in-the-blank where men are men, women are glad of it and school
children uncomplainingly walk many leagues in snow while ours snivel before their
video games.

A couple of years back, the president took a good-natured pot-shot at
D.C. for closing public schools because of a light dusting of snow. He said it
wasn't that way in Chicago. Nor is it in other fill-in-the-blank places.

Maybe so, but ...

What he didn't say (probably because he didn't know) is that the private
school where his kids go did close that day. But D.C. public schools didn't
close. They were open for business as usual that day. Whatever ...

Which begs the question: What are you doing here? OK, if it is the job,
then do what you gotta do. Stay if you must.

But what about when you retire or get the chance at another job closer
to God's country? Why do you stay if things are so awful?

Here's a thought. Lots of people (some transplants like me, some
native-born like my kids) really, really like it here. We wish you did too.
But ...

If you don't like it here, if you miss fill-in-the-blank so much, please
pack your belongings (remember they have real winters in fill-in-the-blank) and
head for Union Station, or Reagan, Dulles or BWI airports at a date to be
announced. There you will find a bag lunch and a travel voucher good for a trip
to fill-in-the-blank.

That's a one-way ticket, of course. We really enjoyed having you, but
you know how catty we can be.

The Australian shepherd breed of dog does not originate from the land down under.
It was bred here in the U.S. starting in the 1800s, with the pup's primary
ancestors believed to come from Germany or Spain.