Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Two examples that happened in THE SAME MORNING in my car driving the kids to school:

Yep.

I'm an asshole.

Like that's news to you people.

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Welcome to Fantasy Island

I received a call the night before from out local police station asking for their yearly 'benevolent fund' donation.

I have not a single fucking clue what a 'benevolent fund' is but since it sounds like "been in violent fun," I don't argue with these people.

So I threw $20 in unmarked bills as per their instructions into an envelope and taped it to the front door along with my social security card and birth certificate.

These benevolent people are sticklers.

Whatever.

So, with the kids in the car, I started backing out of the driveway.

Cam (6 yrs old):"Dad..what's that envelope on the front door?"

Me:"That's money for the police."

Light. Bulb. Goes. Off.

Me:"We have to pay them once a year to keep you kids. Otherwise, they take you away."

Cam:"Really?"

Me:"Yep. You have to pay to keep your kids. Otherwise, they put the kids in jail until they find a home that CAN pay for them. What's cool, though, is that you get to see what a jail looks like from the inside. They have steel toilets and..."

Payton (9 yrs old):"NO THEY DON'T!"

Me: "Yes. They do. It happened to me. That's how I ended up with your grandmother."

* pause

Me: "My original family couldn't pay the money. I'm really from Jamaica."

Payton:"YOU'RE FROM AN ISLAND?!?"

Aaaaaaaanndd...SOLD.

Cha.

Ching.

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Ding-Dong You're Both Ding Dongs

About 2 minutes after I told them that the Jamaican story was bullshit, we pulled into their school.

As I opened my door, the 'your lights are on' chime in my car started going off.

* ding dong

* ding dong

Cam:"What's that noise?"

Me:"That's just an alarm to remind me that you two are in the car. See? (I point to her) Ding dong..(I point to him) ding dong. Two ding dongs. If only one of you were in the car, I'd just get the one ding dong."

I see them both thinking.

Payton:"So..what does it do, like, SCAN the inside of the car?"

As she's asking, she's making her hands do this invisible 'scanning' motion.

I've never wanted to have kids. I don't intend to ever. However, if I did, it would be 100% because of things like this. Because I can think of no better reason to have them than to amuse yourself by telling them all sorts of fantastical shit just because they're gullible and because you can. :)

Yep, you are just front-loading against all the crap they're going to deal on you when their voices deepen and the hormones hit. Pay back is hell man! I ought to know. My 17 and 14 yr. old demon spawn are doling out the revenge harsh even as we speak!

When I was a kid my family was going to take a trip to British Columbia and I had one of my sisters convinced there was going to be a language test at the border. She horrified upon learning she was to be left behind with the guards because she did not speak Canadian.

You are soi bad! I love it!@ am 5 feet tall. When my son was 14 he was already 5' 8". We were at a friend's house and I was treading water in the middle of the swimming pool. My son walked over to the side of the pool across from where I was and asked, "Are you touchimg bottom,Mom?" I said yes. He stepped into the pool and promptly sunk in way over his head. (he knew how to swim. so it wasn't that rotten a trick)

My dad used to do this same shit to my sisters and me. During show 'n tell, we'd repeat all the stories he would tell us - like, training Olympic athletes, hunting with Davey Crockett and other shit like that. One day the teacher called my mom and asked her to have a talk with my dad. Oh no, that didn't stop him, we just learned not to repeat everything he said even though it was true.

I've always thought that it would be really fun to teach kids that tables are chairs and chairs are table and so forth. I'm glad someone is already doing this and documenting it so my kids won't be fucked up. Thank you sir.

Warning you now, my son is a teenager, every now and then, he will pull some fucked up prank on me and when I am about to go full tilt on him, he will give me that absolutely gorgeous lopsided grin of his and go, : hey mom remember when you told me........." just sayin....payback is fuckin whore with the clap

Clearly we went to the same parenting school because my daughter believes she's descended from trolls (she's 18 and not the brightest, bless her heart) and my two youngest believe in Red Bow Tie Day ... a day when parents can put their misbehaving kids on the corner with a red bow tie and the Orphan Wagon will pick'em up for free.