lover and hater

Unraveling

I haven’t been scared since I moved to college. That’s not to say I didn’t feel apprehension, anxiety, or worry. But real scared, where I didn’t know what to expect or what would happen, and I have no control over the situation? It’s been a long time.

I’m unraveling. I hate to quantify or qualify relationships, but it’s the easiest way to put it – the last of my best friends have left this place. Haley moved to Los Angeles, and I feel such a hole in my heart. I knew this time would come but what I didn’t expect was feeling so utterly lackadaisical. Though I’m not the type to spend every free moment with my girlfriends, I am suddenly very aware that I’m alone, the last one.

This is all very dramatic for something as inane as moving from your college town out into the world. And being the last one isn’t even true, as there are fistfuls of people still here who I love and adore and will miss when I’m gone. But it’s these last months of waiting, not knowing where we will live, where we will work, or who will take over our current lease, that are simultaneously killing my spirit and revving me up for the next big thing.

All of this is garbage, nothing talk. To put it out there feels good and I never forget that I have a best friend for a husband. But learning where to re-direct your energy, planning for the uncertain, that’s scary. Scary, exciting and just what I need.

By the way, I use handkerchiefs. My husband thinks it’s gross. This is a picture of one of my favorite hankies.