. . . a funny old life with multiple sclerosis

Please Excuse My Brain, It Doesn’t Know What It’s Doing

I was formally introduced to my brain after my very first MRI.

There it was, in all it’s lesioned glory, glowing brightly on the computer screen. I was entranced and tried to take in what the neurologist was telling me as he counted up the little blobs of white amidst the grey.

I used to like my brain and we got on quite well; it saw me through lots of adventures, exams and crises. And Trivial Pursuits. It could always be relied upon to make snap(ish) decisions or mull over a myriad of options for any given situation.

Lamentably, it has decided to strike out on its own, making a bid for devolution and taking a lot of important bits with it. Now my short-term memory is atrocious. I repeat myself. I also talk about the old days, but that’s probably an age thing. I repeat myself.

I frequently apologise on behalf of my brain and it can become quite awkward. Say I’m standing in front of a huge cafe menu, chalk-boarded behind the increasingly-impatient barista. I am blank. I literally cannot think what to order. Likewise menus in restaurants, shampoos and conditioners in Boots, colours on paint charts and which wrapping paper to buy for Christmas (someone told me it was soon).

I forget the most basic facts so chatting with me can be a journey into charades. I can’t remember names, conversations or dates. I point to stuff, use my hands to describe things and say ‘aggggghhhhh, you know, that, that, um, thing with the spouty bit?’ ‘Oh, yeah, thanks, kettle.’

However, let’s look at the upsides. For one, I no longer brood on things. Drawn-out arguments are a thing of the past. I could have one on the Monday and bounce into work like Tigger on the Tuesday, all forgotten, unless I’ve blogged about it. Then I brood, meh.

But having a short-term memory means I re-experience wondrous things again and again. It’s almost as if every day is new. I get up in the morning and think, ‘wow, what a lovely day! Oh, great, I can have coffee! Wow! And the cat, isn’t she just gorgeous?’ Until, thwack, I veer into the bannister and it all comes rushing back.

That aside, I will continue to count my blessings. I equate it with a computer and how refreshing it can be to delete and send to the trash bin all that junk that’s been hanging around, and that’s got to be a good thing?

I’ve operated as you describe above for the majority of my adult life. I have no idea whether some of it is due to MS, age, stress, not to mention long established maternal amnesia or just life generally but you are so spot on when looking at the upsides – I love the fact that I greet each day with an optimism I rarely felt in my supposedly ‘healthier days’. Sometimes I question whether I would appreciate my life as much if my past and present had been less eventful; I suspect the answer would be no – though just as you suggest, I have difficulty recalling yesterday – well some of it anyway, and as for the shopping list? Still looking…… x
Thanks again for a great post x

Thank you! It’s weird, isn’t it, this wondrous feeling each morning?? Like today, I woke up and thought, wow, I’m seeing a friend for lunch, oh lovely, my plant’s decided to pop out a new flower, etc. I remember (vaguely) when I was first diagnosed, colours and experiences seemed brighter somehow, something I can only put down to a newly-discovered zest for life which, up til then, was kind of just passing me by. Odd.
x

I know what your talking about….HONEST….. for instance, I’ve got a gardening DIY poster with a section on ….. “Where did all those bulbs, ( I) planted last Autumn go to ?” and what type were they anyway?? I hope a few surprises in the way of…scent…….colour will pop up!