Timeline of a man cold

Having just barely escaped unscathed from the throes of my husband's Man Cold, I thought it would be helpful to you, dear readers, to break it down into a detailed timeline so you would know what to expect in the event your husband comes down with this dangerous and potentially marriage-ending disease. Although no two Man Colds are exactly the same, there are enough commonalities that you should take heed of my experience and, if nothing else, quickly book yourself on a plane to anywhere else on this planet at the first signs of his cold.

Day 1: The sneeze. The husband gives a worried glance and feels his forehead with the back of his hand. He immediately begins taking large quantities of zync, Vitamin C, Theraflu, the boiled root of an African Baobab tree, essence of dung beetle oil, and Himalayan yodeling goat curd to stave off a possible Man Cold.

Day 2: Husband develops a sore throat and stuffy nose but has no fever. He takes to his bed and cancels all meetings and other business for the day. His physician is consulted who diagnoses his condition as a common cold. Unsatisfied with that diagnosis, husband consults WebMD and decides that he suffers instead from either Acute Invasive Asian Fungal Sinusitis or Fermented Shark Poisoning.

Day 3: The cough. Husband coughs a second time and then immediately contacts attorney to begin drawing up a new Will (leaving out doting wife who mistakenly brought home the wrong kind of chicken soup). Husband's mother is brought in to replace wife and make homemade chicken soup just like when he was a kid and say, "there, there."

Day 4: The CDC is called and placed on notice that a possible Man Cold pandemic might be on the horizon. Quarantine tape is wrapped around the infected bedroom and NASA decontamination units are delivered for the other family members. Anticipating widespread panic, the Governor declares a state of emergency and the National Guard is called in. A team of Golden Retriever therapy puppies is brought in to help residents deal with their stress.

Day 5: The Husband's symptoms begin to wane. He rises from the bed and asks how many weeks have passed since he became ill.

Day 6: Husband's Man Cold is almost entirely gone. The quarantine tape is removed and the therapy puppies are sent home. Husband says, it wasn't so bad. Wife is indicted by a grand jury for attempted murder.