Someone once said, "Free advice is worth every penny." So as you embark on a great new adventure, follow closely these little instructions I'm about to give you, and your life will be more screwed up than that of any member of the Jackson 5.

And always begin those interviews with the question, "You don't have any kind of screwy drug policy here, do you?"

Always be an hour late for everything. It adds mystery.

Bet big on the Chargers.

And remember, if your kitty gets low, you can always make it back with a big move on the Monday night game.

Keep up with the Joneses. In fact, make it your sole goal in life to kick the Joneses' ass.

Never ever take crap from Mike Tyson.

Do what Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods do: Never take a stand on anything, because you might make somebody angry and screw up your endorsement possibilities.

Buy all your Rolexes from out-of-breath vendors near Shea Stadium.

Never miss a single game of your beloved Boston Red Sox, even if it means staring at the Internet radio feed on your computer for four hours. Tucking in your three-year-old can wait. You've got to keep your score book up to date.

Try to please everybody.

Move to N.Y. or L.A. right away. That's where all the important people are.

Don't play basketball. Play EA Sports NBA Live 2004 basketball. Don't join a football team. Get in a fantasy football league. Don't shovel the walk. Drive 20 minutes to the athletic club, and get on the sim-snow-shoveler 2000.

Find a cigarette brand, and stick to it, dammit.

Men, when you get your first apartment, nail your baseball cap collection up on the wall. Chicks dig it.

Supersize everything.

Get more tattoos than Allen Iverson. They age you gracefully.

And wear enough jewelry to set off the airport metal detector from the Hertz lot.

Once you're married, never go to bed mad. It's important that you settle, once and for all, who forgot to tape the Cavaliers' game.

Get deeply involved in world championship wrestling.

Let Bob Knight be your moral compass.

Buy a great big house on a great big wide street with a three-car garage. Then anchor yourself in a La-Z-Boy, and vow to never miss a SportsCenter or meet the neighbors.

Remember, charities only want your check, not your time.

And never do community service without being sentenced first.

Get involved with the Big Brother program. They'll take you to the ball game and buy you ice cream cones.

Secretly tape all your conversations with your agent and hitmen. And keep the tapes where prosecutors can easily find them once the trial starts.

Always get one for the road.

If you get pulled over by a cop, be sure to say, "You're not gonna check in the trunk, right?"

Keep your grudges handy.

Buy the biggest freakin' SUV you can find. If your kids want to talk to you from the backseat, they can use their cellphones.

Care deeply about your kids' sports. Call the coach a lot. Attend every practice, constantly hollering instruction. If your kid is into hockey, get him on teams in three different parts of town, even if it means he has to eat dinner in the car every night. Remember, your kids are your second chance in life. Don't let them blow it for you.

If you're about to make a bet with a very tan stranger on the 1st tee and he says he's "about a 22," take his word for it.

Take yourself very, very seriously. It's crucial that the world remembers you after you're gone.

When the cameras are on you, pray louder than everybody else. God keeps track of this stuff.

If your team wins the big game, celebrate by picking up a Mini Cooper and throwing it through the window of a Denny's.

If your team loses the big game, console yourself by picking up a Mini Cooper and throwing it through the window of a Denny's.

And, most important, before making a decision, ask yourself these four words: "What would Rodman do?"

Remember, graduates, the future is in your hands.

Try to palm it off on somebody else.

COLOR PHOTO: PETER READ MILLER

Care deeply about your kids' sports. Remember, your kids are your second chance in life. Don't let them blow it for you.

If you have a comment for Rick Reilly, send it to reilly@siletters.com.