7/26/10

He ain't heavy - at least not to me.

I see that child - the small one, the dirty one, the odd one, the fat one, sitting in the corner of my classroom desperate for a friend.

I know him, the child who smiles and laughs at jokes that are taken at his own expense, the child desperate for attention, for friendship, for acceptance and love.

These are the children that I take particular care with; the ones I try to boost with an offhanded positive comment meant for others to hear.

I was once that child – and so were many of you.I was called “small-fry” or “short-stuff” – the shortest one of the class who looked years younger than my age.Yeah, it could’ve been worse, but my heart didn’t know that.

Each year I search for those souls in my room- they’re not hard to find.I wrap them as best I can in my protective arms, all the while praying that the coming years in school will treat them kindly – but I know in my heart that they won’t. I try show the rest of the class by example what is important - their character, their humor, their intelligence and their special talent.

And that child who is too big for his age?The one who might be the youngest in his class, but because of size his parents decided to send him to kindergarten anyway- in order to help him avoid the taunts of the other children? The one they call fat? I know him intimately.

He’s my son.

I pray for him every night as we cuddle in his bed and he shares his heartbreak of the day, for I know that the coming years will be so very difficult to navigate.The doctors tried to tell us that he was going to be a big man, not to worry, he would be a tall man, and each year we kept a close eye on his growth.

I try not to cringe every time he eats a meal, or grabs a snack, or tells me he’s hungry because I know he’s a growing boy.Every other boy his age can eat like a monster and still be a beanpole.He has no such luck.

He plays each day and night outside with the “Do-Good Brigade”.They race their bikes down the bike-path to a school a short distance away.They shoot hoops upon their return, or play “Let’s crush whoever has the football” and then kill each other on the trampoline for hours.

He comes in every night long after dark, reeking of sweat and dirt.

And as he showers and walks to his room wrapped in his towel, I notice the stretch marks lining his stomach and armpits and my heart aches.

Still, we continue to encourage him. We talk about healthy habits and we incorporate them into our daily lives.The thing is- we are not unhealthy people.We DO eat fresh fruit; we DO eat tons of veggies; we ARE active people.This is what I don’t understand.But, I’ll just add that to the list of 5 BILLION other things that perplex me.

So now I not only love that chubby fat boy that sits in the back of my classroom, but I also love the one that sits at my kitchen table.

78 comments:

I had several guy friends with whom I went to high school who were just like your big guy when they were younger...And then over the course of one summer, they grew 6 inches.

I was at one of my college boyfriend's one day and needed to borrow a t-shirt. He is 6'3'' and the t-shirt he gave me was a medium. He explained that the summer of his ELEVENTH grade year in high school, he grew six inches.

My partner was your son at school. He is now in his mid 30's, almost 6 foot 5 tall, and the only one of his school mates who hasn't gotten fat and slothful ;) He is fit, and you can not tell looking at him now that he is the boy in those school photos. As a high school teacher myself I have watched many boys grow into their size, just like Crazy Charm above, all about 11th of 12th grade (my partner, grew another 4 inches after leaving school).

We also have an adorable, loveable, dogooder, tenderherated, helper, but chunky boy at our house. I know he'll get his growth spurt. It will just take time. But as he's entering 8th grade I worry about what others might say, although so far we haven't had any problems. I'm thankful he has good friends and he knows his family loves him. I can only hope people are kind to your son also. But it sounds like he is a great kid and has good friends so hopefully that will go a long way.

My son was that boy. He put on almost 20lbs in a year when he was 10. He is now almost 14, has not gainned an ounce in three years and is finally growing taller and shaping up. He rides his bike for miles every day and canoes several miles every week. Your son will get there too, but it is hard to live with the cruelness of other people.

Always heartbreaking to hear about a son or daughter's difficult day. I know he is surrounded by love and positive thoughts though. Sounds like he has some good friends! I'm sure he will grow into a tall, dark and handsome man :)

My son, at 15, is still that boy. Smart, kind, geeky (sci-fi club, student council, band), and his only sport is golf. I am so proud of his accomplishments and relieved he has one or two close friends, but your post brought me to tears because we've been there, and I have a feeling before he graduates, we'll be there again.

I teach HS, and like you - try to find those needing the extra positive comment or attention. It can be absolutely heartbreaking, but it can also be so rewarding to see them blossom and become young adults who accept themselves for who they are. It's a 50/50 shot at best, but when they take pride in themselves, it means the world.

Don't we all just beat ourselves up over our looks! You can't even turn on the television without seeing one commercial after another for some weight loss system, or wrinkle cream, or new plastic surgery technique...My son, now 19 was never over weight, but did entertain the idea of HGH at one time. Thank God, he talked to me about it first...He also had a friend who was the chubby kid, who is now one of the most handsome young men I've ever seen, and thin too!

Very poignant. My heart holds yours in support. Betcha anything he's going to be just fine! From your picture, he looks so much like my youngest did. Saw the stretchmarks, too. BUT 2 things happened: (1) he caught mono between 10th and 11th grade and within weeks, whole different body type. Weird. (2) He discovered he was freaking strong -- and so did all the other kids. He had a monster arm when it came to throwing a baseball or football. It flabergasted his peers, who BEGGED him to join fb and bb teams. He wasn't interested, but he discovered the beauty embedded in his body, and as soon as the testosterone kicked in, he started running and lifting just for the heck of it. Damn! He freaking morphed into this Adonis. I'm so glad I bit my tongue during those chub years; I got so much flack from the fam about his eating and 'puter habits. But having had a middle child with a wickedly brutal eating disorder, I did not want to contribute to same in youngest. Eldest is a string bean and for the life of me, can't keep weight on. B/C he played varsity soccer as a freshman, he overtrained and stopped growing. Had to stuff 4000 calories a day into him to jumpstart his growth. He eventually hit 5'8'. He HATES being on short and skinny, even though he's gorgeous. And truth be told, though he was adored by peers throughout school, he suffered terribly inside while the rest of us were unaware. Didn't matter that he was "popular" with teachers and kids. Youngest, on the other hand, was fortunately born with a joyful disposition.

Follow the joy. That's what I say. Celebrate the joy in that boy. Love him up, just like you do with the kids in school. Then watch what happens when the beard fills in. I think you're going to be surpised! I sure was.

I have the opposite worry. Kiddo is 5 1/2 yrs old & starting Kindergarten this fall. He is barely 35lbs (with clothes on) and 42 inches tall. He was the smallest in Pre-K even among the girls. Kiddo was teased even then over his size. He wants so desparately to be included with the "big kids" when they play. He is also slightly emotionally immature & very bright which doesn't help matters.

I just hope my son & yours makes friends who won't desert them when the others start making fun of them, teasing or bullying. I pray nightly too.

Your son and mine sound very similar. Actually, that picture almost could be him from behind!

I'm not sure if you remember, cuz I posted about it, but in his 8th grade year, I asked the doctor at his annual check-up if I should be worried about his weight. Now keep in mind, this assbag, I mean doctor, has been his doctor since he was literally minutes old. We go see him a minimum of once a year for an annual check-up, but when Stud was younger, we were there sometimes once a month, or more, thanks to ear infections, etc.

Anyway, every year I waited for him to say something about my son's weight, but he never did, so I tried not to make myself crazy about it. I assumed the DOCTOR would mention it if it was a problem right?

But, for the hell of it, I asked at his 8th grade/14 yr-old check-up, and suddenly Dr. Oblivious became very concerned. Long story short, he decided Stud should lose 80 lbs. EIGHTY POUNDS!! Shit, I would have had to cut his legs off!! At the time, he was 5' 10 1/2" and weighed 230.

Stud followed a low-carb diet, per the doctor's orders, and in 3 months, he lost about 50 pounds. He kept it all off through the rest of 8the rest of 8th grade, but once 'graduation season' hit, he sort of fell off the wagon. We had about 30 graduation parties to attend that summer, and it was just too much for him. I didn't push it cuz, hey, he's a kid. He should be able to enjoy himself with his friends, and not obsess about every little thing he puts in his mouth.

He's gained most of those pounds back, but he's also grown 2-3 inches, so he carries that weight well. However, like you, I see those stretch marks, and it breaks my heart. I try not to obsess over his weight, or say much to him, as I don't want to cause a bigger problem. My mother used to do that to me as a kid, and I can remember sneaking food/treats into the bathroom so she wouldn't see me eating them. I do NOT want that for my son. He's comfortable with himself, and that's what matters.

I must say, Stud has always had the most excellent friends, and thank God, he was never really 'that kid' who was teased and made fun of. What a difference that makes for a kid, don't you think? I know that contributes greatly to his self-confidence, and I'm so happy for him.

Holy crap, sorry for the novel. :( This post just really pushed a button.

kids can be so cruel. my son is heavy too, as am i. i do know he will grow soon and be muscular and thin, chuck was too. but then he took a wrong road for some years (well lots of years). he's on the right track again now. hugs to you and your son honey. i am so glad he is active. that's what will make the difference soon.

hmmm, i wonder if i'll grow and be muscular and thin? i'm only 63. what do you think?

Is there anything more tender than a mother's heart toward her children?

Good for you for recognizing the need in the littles and your son. My now 20 year old son was chubby - he told us one year at the beach he wouldn't take his shirt off because he had 'boobs'... he is now 6 ft. 3' and if he weighs 150 I'll eat my hat.

Sounds very familiar. I have my own "wow he's REALLY big for his age" boy and I worry about him all the time. Add special needs/delays and you have daily parental heartbreak. I think all we can do is try to fill our homes and surround ourselves with kind people and hope that this offsets the inevitable schoolyard cruelty.

How you've touched me with this. Throughout my son's toddler and elementary school years so much was expected of him because of his size. He fell on a classmate at recess in first grade and broke the other boy's arm, then a few years later, because he had minimal swimming experience, he was uninvited from a pool party because the mother felt that she would not be able to jump in and rescue him again because of his size. This went on for years. He was even too big to play pop warner football.

He grew tall and yet, throughout high school he had that chunky look until his senior year, when unfortunately a serious knee injury sidelined him from playing football that year. I thought I was going to lose him - he was so devastated.

But, now he is 6'4", square in the shoulders and narrow in the waist. He works out daily and eats healthy and has a quietness that is sometimes deafening, but is successful and thoughtful and I am so proud of him.

Just keep up the healthy habits and he will grow into his body. My brother was that kid until his senior year in high school when he began to grow up and up and up. He now plays professional football, makes a boat load of money and all the girls who wouldn't give him the time of day when he was the fat kid are tripping all over themselves to get his attention!!The most important thing is you teaching him those healthy habits so he continues with them as he grows up. Good luck and just my opinion, but he doesn't look all that big to me!

Bless you for doing what you do for those little ones that shouldn't have to be taunted. The best thing we can all do as adults is to teach others, our kids, our grandkids about compassion. Our world is tough enough without our kids having to endure the cruelity of it as such a young age. Your son will be fine because he has an awesome mom supporting him!

Your eloquently written post brings back the heartache I remember feeling for both of my boys.

You see, I had one of each of your child examples.

My oldest son was always the smallest in the class. From kindergarten all the way through high school. I was worried to the point that I took him to see an endocrinologist to make sure there was no medical issue. I was told I could put him on growth hormones, but I declined.

My second son was heavy. Wider than he was tall. It started in second grade. He just began getting chubby. I noticed the stretch marks in sixth grade. He was studious and in band. Not the least bit athletic.

My oldest son is now twenty six and is a respectable 5'9". He is and always has been thin, but he is comfortable in his own skin.

Middle son is twenty three and is 6'3" and a cool 190#.

Keep the faith. Kids are cruel. Just remind your boy he can only control himself and not what others do or say. His body is just his shell, like a turtle. His soul, what makes him him, is on the inside and that's the part that matters the most.

Sorry I went on and on. This post just hit home with me since I was affected twice in opposite directions.

This post hit a chord with me because I was, and still am, on the bigger side (for a woman that ain't so cool), but I had a boy in my class this last year who was very big. He was tall for his age, but not by much, but he was very heavy. It broke my heart to see him like that, but at the same time he melted my heart because he is the sweetest boy in the world. Everyday after school, he would give me the biggest hug in the world. I looked forward to those hugs everyday. I hope in time he grows out of it, but I don't know. His mom told me that since he is her first (out of 4 so far), she didn't know what to do with him. He gets free lunch, but always had money for a snack, which weren't the healthiest in the world. Anyway, I do hold a special place in my heart for some of the "misfits" cause most of the time, they are the best of the best!

I probbly don't need to tell you that my son is so different from everyone else. The fact that he can't talk makes everyone think he doesn't understand what they say about him. It hurts so damn much...

My child has always been big for his age. It's always been a burden. Middle school was especially cruel. He still doesn't like to swim with friends due to the stretch marks - sometimes I think he is literally growing out of his skin! At 14, he's 6ft2 and only getting taller. I see him stretching out...High school will be easier.

I love how you describe those students. As you know, my classroom is full of that type. (my favorite). xoxoGorgeous post.

My brother was like that. He wore a 36 waist pants when he was in 8th grade. The summer between his 8th and 9th grade year he lost over 30lbs and grew about 6 inches. I had been working all summer and hadn't seen him much so when I saw him in the pool for the first time I asked my mom who was over visiting my brother she said "no one that's bubba" I said "um no it's not!" lol It was. He actually had teachers asking him if he had started doing drugs because he looked SO different! Now at 22 he still wears a 31 in pants and all the girls chase after him!

-->My stepson was always "husky" despite being active and eating healthy. Now he's going to be a senior in high school, is tall, lean physique and muscular thanks to many hours in the weight room for football.

That is a wonderful, heart-warming post. When I was young I was very thin and gawky. But, I was blessed / cursed with an incredibly strong sense of self confidence that helped me befriend all the outcasts, and attract the ire (and occasional fist) of the people who tormented them.

Your son may be chubby now, but he might grow out of it. Or he might not. The most important thing is that he's loved by his friends and family, regardless of whether he's big, small, or somewhere in between.

Yes, life can be hard for people who don't fit in, but eventually everyone finds their way, discovers who they are, and they do just fine. Your boy will too.

I love your sensitivity and ability to see life through the eyes of others. Everyone should have a teacher like you. We all ache with our children when they ache and hope that others who share their days will be kind and gentle with them also.

My son was the opposite. Started school a year earlier so he was the smallest, thinnest, youngest and in a few ways, the smartest.He was picked on for all those reasons and more.He suddenly shot up to his adult height in high school,he never got heavy.. he has always been a bean pole .. and his friends were usually taller, bigger, heavier.He taught school for 7 years.And I heard the same tenderness and care in his emails that I am hearing in your post.Your students are so lucky to have you in their lives. One good teacher, one decent person can make a difference, even if it is not until they are adults and look back and remember who made some sort of impact ..

It's hard to put into words what I want to say. I hope your son hits a good growth spurt, where he'll grow taller and balance out.

My son had the opposite problem. He was the runt of his class. Little Timmy, so short and skinny, looking so much younger than the other boys (and some of the girls). Timmy's sophomore year, he hit his stride and grew about 7 inches. By the time he graduated from high school, "Little Timmy" was 6'1". some people don't even recognize him now!

This is beautiful for so many reasons - because I can feel the love you have for your son, because I can imagine the gratitude from the boy in the back of the class, because I know I have some version of this in my future -

Every child should have a mother like you. Every student should have a teacher like you.

Our son had a stroke when he was 2.5. When he left the hospital, they said he would never talk or walk again. He had professional therapy sessions 2x for years; and a couple of years ago we were in Aspen and he snowboarded for the 1st time. It's wasn't pretty, but he did it.

Now, he's a DJ in Austin. He still can't swim, roller skate or ride a bike; But that's a small price to pay for everything he can do. If you ever met him, you'd never guess how sick he once was.

Even at this age (28), sometimes ignorant bastards give him shit because when he gets tired his ankle rolls. Fuck em.

He had more than his share of angst in school growing up.(He was actually held down on the playground in 4th grade and beat up because he was so different.)But now that he's grown, he said he wouldn't have had it any other way. That what he went through has made him the man he is today.

Just continue to love and support your son, providing him with healthy options at home. He's still young. One of Brett's friends actually shot up 6" in 1 summer!

1. I was always about a foot taller than everyone in school and was dubbed, "the jolly green giant." So there is empathy here.

2. I love your thoughts as a teacher. Now that I am a mom, I would be a completely different teacher! I was good before having kids, but now I would GOOOOOD. Especially after having a kids with special needs. Now I GET it.

3. I love the comments from anonymous. They prompted me to go brush up on my Asian this morning and what they wrote is just beautiful. (In case anyone doesn't pick up on my sarcasm, I am laying it on pretty thick...)

I was always the scrawny kid in school, and usually shyed away from team sports, because I was usually one of the last kids to get picked for a team. Instead, I excelled at gymnastics. I could be on a team, but still showcase my individual talents without first getting the 'approval' of others.

So this made me tear up! My child is the 3 yr old that has a very limited vocab. He has a vocabulary of a 1.5 yr old. We're taking him to a speech pathologist twice a week to get him where he needs to be. I pray for him each night bc it breaks my heart that I can't just snap my fingers and make it better!!

Oh honey! I was that kid, the chubby one...I wish I'd had a teacher like you. At least I had a great Mom, and great Mom's can fix anything.

My boy is on the opposite end, a tiny little thing who doesn't play sports. He spent a lot of time getting picked on this year, and we spent a lot of time talking about how to handle it and how this would all mean nothing when he grew up.

Your son (and mine) will end up being such a considerate person of other peoples feelings having been put through the ringer himself. He's gonna be awesome, just like his Mom!

oh boy does this bring back the memories! i was that kid in school and at home. coming from a family with two older thin brothers sometimes it was worse at home! just make sure that your girls understand that your home should be his refuge, that he is loved unconditionally. if he has that he can handle the world.

i think it is so sad that we are so hard on each other..wish we looked at each other the way God looks at us..he sees our heart and not our skin. your boy seems like a good boy and with you (i had my mom) to help him through he is going to do just fine..i mean look at me i turned out pretty fabulous!HA!

I was this child and I am now 34 years ols and have a 4 year old amazing little girl with Spina Bifida, smart as a tack and awesome kid, in a wheelchair and starts kindegarten next year and I am terrified for her for the future!! I don;t want her coming home sad about the kids teasing her all time, but I just try to build her up, thanks for all you do and boost the underdogs, but if you take a step back the teasers and bullies are teh real underdogs!!!!

I hear you. I have three girls and my middle got the wrong genes... nope not jeans... well those too. She tries to share clothes with her sisters... let me tell you... It won't ever happen. A kick while she's down? She is also my girlie with major learning disabilities. But on a positive note... She's got great HAIR. We all wish we had HER hair. Momma's love'em all.

Oh. That just breaks my heart. But, also I'm so hopeful and happy for him, he's got you as a momma. I love them all differently too now, the weird kids and the talkers and the pushers - it's hard not to want to make them happy when you have to send your own, weird, talky, pushy kids out into the world and hope they land on some soft hearts.

As he becomes a man, he will even out. The trouble is the pain he feels in school. What's really sad...each and everyone of us have been that kid at one time or another. I take those children in my class and lift them high and remind them how wonderful they truly are...even when they don't see it!Your a great blogger!

LoVE LOvE LOVE this post. I am so grateful for teachers like you; who see their students as worthy and individuals. Gosh, so many of us were that child or have that child. We are hard on ourselves as mamas, and I can feel in your words your love for your son. Protecting them is difficult, but he is loved and love can go a long way.

Just as I continue to pray for my beanpole son with Asperger's. Always the tallest in his class and the quirkiest, he had such a hard time making friends. To this day he struggles, but has found his way somehow with grace. I'm so proud of the young man he's become.

Don't forget to tip the waitress. I really DO live on tips....

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About Me

I am a teacher, a writer, and the mother of three children. I've decided I'll never give up. No matter how many battles I lose; no matter how many tears I shed; no matter how many martinis I have to drink, I will continue to fight the good fight! I love to laugh, believe that every day is a new day, and thank God each morning that I am still here.