You’re a new school Fire Emblem super fan and want to geek out about Awakening.

You’re an old school Fire Emblem super fan and want to shit on Awakening.

You’re looking for a walk through of Awakening and took a very wrong turn.1You could also be here for the shipping and shitposting. That’s fine.

Welcome to my play through of of Fire Emblem: Shipping Simulator…er…Awakening. We begin by creating our avatar unit for the game. I’m choosing to do this play through as the male version of the avatar as unlike in Birthright, you’re not essentially forced to play as one gender just to obtain all the child units.

The default name for your avatar is Robin, but that’s a last name, not a first name. And if our character’s last name is Robin, it’s clear his first name must be Christopher. I’m setting Christopher Robin’s asset2The stat that you get bonus growth to. to Resistance and his flaw3The stat that you have the weakest growth in. to Magic. Since Christopher is a tactician class, it might not make sense to limit our magic growth, but My Little Pony has taught me that friendship is magic. If Christopher develops enough friendship in the game, he’ll overcome his magical limitations and become the Princess of Friendship.

Once we save, we’re taking to our first chapter, Premonition.

Premonition

We’re treated to a cinematic cut scene of a blue-haired man who is clearly a protagonist and Christopher fighting Jafar from Aladdin’s spiky-haired brother. Following the cut scene, we learn the blue-haired man is named Chrom. Chrom is telling Christopher how this is their final battle. I really hope the chapter title is right about being a premonition, otherwise this game is going to be much shorter than I paid for.

Chrom and Christopher move towards dollar store Jafar (whose name is Validar), but he doesn’t attack our heroes. Whether it’s because he realizes he’s outnumbered two to one and he’s taking up defensive positions or if it’s because Premonition is a glorified tutorial mode is irrelevant. Validar clearly went to the Action Movie School of Bad Guy Strategy, which means none of the bullets from his gun can hit us. Also, because Fire Emblem uses medieval weaponry with magic as its combat tools, Validar’s guns are so bad at hitting us that they’re not even invented yet.

Our heroes advance on Validar, with Chrom dealing a strong blow with his signature weapon, Falchion. Validar rambles something about how we can’t change what’s already written, but he must not be aware of the invention of the erasable pen. Christopher deals a critical hit with a strong lightning magic attack, killing Validar and ending the level. Magic flaw, my ass.

We get another cut scene with Validar crumbling to the floor before exploding into a ball of gas. Chrom comes over to congratulate Christopher when — SHOCK AND SURPRISE — Christopher turns on Chrom and impales his intestines with what appears to be a literal lightning bolt. Chrom crumples to the ground dead and we get a save screen.

No. I don’t want to save this, Awakening. I’ve played three minutes and you’ve already killed off the main character. Just who in the hell do you think you are, Gurren Lagann?

Prologue

Nope. Just kidding. Chrom is back, this time with some girl with pigtails. Chrom helps a very unconscious Christopher Robin up off the ground, unaware that Christopher just gutted him like a fish moments ago. Chrom is concerned about the well-being of Christopher, but doesn’t seem to know him, confirming that everything we witnessed was, in fact, a dream. The theme song to St. Elsewhere briefly starts playing as the conversation continues.

Christopher introduces himself to Chrom. Well, sort of. It’s clear Christopher is now an amnesiac. Fortunately, Chrom’s cleric sister, Lissa, and his overly protective man-servant, Frederick, are here to help move the plot along and get us moving forward in the cut scene hell that is the first fifth of this game. Chrom and Frederick keep talking about Shepherds, yet there are not sheep around. Considering no one aside from Lissa has a staff and there’s not a sheep dog to be seen for miles, I’m confident Chrom’s true destiny is not as a farm hand.

Chrom and Christopher give some exposition to let the player know they’re in the Halidom of Ylisse which is ruled by Chrom’s older sister, the Exalt Emmeryn. Chrom explains he’s the leader of the Shepherds, which is actually a guardian group. Frederick is his protector and might be the most cautious person known to man. Lissa is also here.

Christopher suddenly remembers his name just in time for Lissa to notice a nearby town is on fire. Great. Christopher his replaced amnesia with pyrokinesis. At this rate, I won’t have to play the game at all, as my avatar is learning overpowered skills just by leveling up through cut scenes. Chrom decides saving the town is important or something, meaning we’re finally taken in to the actual level.

We begin the level by meeting a toothless man with face paint eye marks drawn on by a drunken eight-year-old. His name is Garrick and he wants to burn it down. Some village girl is crying and that’s enough for the blue-haired hero to say someone has to do som…

Wait. Lissa is the first to say someone should do something? Huh.

The level starts and Frederick tells everyone to be cautious, lest you get hurt. In older Fire Emblem games, permadeath was a very real, very terrifying prospect, but with the advancements in modern technology, Nintendo and Intelligent Systems finally designed a turn-based video game that’s more forgiving to someone who doesn’t have the time to invest 400 hours into a video game. Chrom notices Christopher wielding a tome and — instead of having ‘Nam-like flashbacks — decides to encourage him to kill bad guys with it. But since Christopher is only level one, he can only use Thundershock and Tail Whip, meaning it won’t be a one-turn knockout, even on simple baddies. Lissa teaches us how healing works because this is also a tutorial level and our first turn ends.

Our second turn begins with Chrom telling Christopher that he should heal any wounds he has. This is because Chrom has no sense of adventure. So Lissa heals him just to shut him up. Frederick steps on something sparkly and suddenly becomes better at using his weapons. We get more tutorial nonsense as our units move across the map — an action taken slowly because healers like Lissa take far too long to level up in the early game. Chrom doesn’t want me to rush into danger, however I’m being so deliberate in my movements that I never bothered to tell you we’re actually on the fourth turn now and even Frederick thinks we should pick up the pace. This means it’s time for a lightning round.

Finally, our protagonists advance on Garrick, who is too busy playing with fire to notice we’ve killed his troops. Frederick steps on something else shiny and gains XP. Some people will tell you this is the only useful way to give Frederick XP and those people might be correct. But this play through isn’t being led by our brains. So I let Frederick kill Garrick just to make the lone person who played Thracia 776 who is still reading this slam their laptop shut. The level mercifully ends, but now we have to listen to more expositional talking.

Chrom accepts Christopher into the Shepherds. Frederick is wary, but Chrom is smitten. We get a true cut scene where our heroes stare at a church that’s still smoking, but doesn’t have flames coming out of the windows anymore. I’m very confused how this fire works, as the church seems to be significantly less damaged than when we first saw it.

We get some backstory about how Ylisse is constantly sparring with its neighbor, Plegia. It’s not a war according to Chrom, it’s a police action. Frederick insists they get a move on and Lissa has to be restrained from calling him a poophead.

End of Level Recap

Christopher – Level 2 Tactician

Lissa – Level 2 Cleric

Chrom – Level 1 Lord

Frederick – Level 1 Great Knight

The Worst Fire Emblem Awakening Play Through Ever: Premonition and Prologue