V is for Virgo

It’s still hot here in San Francisco. We’ve had a sweltering heat wave for the past five days or so, and this is essentially our summer. Tonight it’s finally cooling down, and I had the sheer joy of seeing the Dutch film, Yes Nurse, No Nurse at the Castro. It was truly a wonder, and managed to be extremely naughty and playful without being explicit at all — and my face still hurts from smiling and laughing.

Two links of particular note: Mariah’s X-Rated Hell "This place is built for perverts like us to abuse,humilate and degrade that beautiful slutty whore Mariah Carey in every way imaginable!" And this beautiful house for sale, with a fabulous view in the backyard (third photo down) — if it is a prank, hooray!

Thank you to everyone who has emailed me in the past few days regarding my last post — wow. Interestingly, there were a significant number of emails from Scotland. Hornboy and I celebrated the departure of his relative and non-relative by drinking many beers, and going to a "men of Hooters wet t-shirt contest" at a gay bar where the proceeds went to the AIDS Emergency Fund. And while I was one of three women in an all-leatherdaddy gay bar, I got my ass grabbed! Hornboy was getting us drinks and I felt a hand slide across one cheek, and pause for a little fondle on the other. I thought, now I’m wearing a dress, and obviously a girl, so someone can’t be making a mistake. And I don’t know anyone here… and normally, this action would cause a reaction from me, such as an elbow-check to the stranger’s stomach, or a quick spin around with a deflection. But it was a leather bar full of the gayest men imaginable… so I turned, and met eyes with a handsome leatherdaddy — who smiled and sort of shrugged, as if to say, "well… it was there…" I grinned back at him, and he made his way over to the wet towel-whipping frenzy behind the makeshift Hooters Men stage.

For the next few days I’ll be working with the British TV crew as one of the subjects for their sex/reality/comedy TV show. They want to film me in Golden Gate Park, and I have no idea what they have planned…

Meanwhile, I don’t have a sex advice column, but I might as well for all the emails I get from people desperately seeking reasonable, useful advice. I am, however a Virgo, represented with no small amount of irony in the Zodiac as a virgin. That irony took a little twist in the beginning of the Virgo cycle over a week ago when I received an email from a young woman through a social networking message board who had just lost her virginity in a painful way, was still bleeding a bit, and quite worried. I realized that I hadn’t read advice on this topic for anyone, at least not in a way that wasn’t shameful or brief, and certainly not from a woman who could relate. We really need this information out there in a supportive manner — hear that, sex advice authors? Anyway, here was my answer to her, for anyone else who might want to know:

"Tearing is normal, yes, but not so much tearing that you continue to bleed or have tearing on the perineum (the skin between the vagina and anus). How bad is it? Does it feel sore and sometimes a bit sharp, or is it throbbing all the time? Soreness and occasional sharpness is fine; constant throbbing is a concern.

If the bleeding is excessive, as in you need to change panties once a day or still see blood when you wipe after peeing, then you should see a doctor. Also talk to a doc if it feels infected (hot, itchy, discharge), or if there was indeed tearing on your perineum. I know that seeing a doctor about sex sucks — maybe go see a practitioner at Planned Parenthood where they will be more normal about sex (and you’ll be anonymous).

Keeping it clean is a good idea, but don’t overdo it. There is a high concentration of blood vessels in the vagina, and this helps cuts and wounds to heal faster than on other parts of the body. Plus, the vagina is typically naturally self-healing, and cleaning too much might give you a secondary infection such as a yeast infection. Don’t use perfumed cleansers or douches. So you’ll want to clean it once a day, but no more than that. Swab the vaginal opening lightly with a q-tip and Neosporin ointment to prevent infection and speed healing. Don’t have penetrative sex until you feel healed. And believe it or not, clitoral masturbation will speed healing by bringing more blood to the muscles and erectile tissues in your pubic area, so orgasms are good (if you can even get in the mood!).

As for your next phase of penetrative sex, you might want to get yourself a thin, smooth dildo and practice on your own a few times before taking the big plunge again. Get yourself aroused, and practice orgsaming around something say, as slender as a finger or two. Then get a dildo close to the size of the guy you like, and practice on that a few times. Use condoms on the dildos for cleanliness. This will gently stretch the hymenal tissue. Even still, the next time or two that you have sex, you will experience a bit of discomfort and a bit of bleeding. Eventually the discomfort goes away, and you can concentrate on feeling pleasure and exploring the whole new array of sensations from partnered penetration.

And don’t panic if as time goes by, you notice that you have little irregular flaps of skin just inside your vaginal opening. These are called "hymenal tags," and all women have them. *Not* having them is not normal. You just seldom ever see these tags on major porn starlets who typically get them removed with labiaplasty (plastic surgery).

Please write me back and let me know what’s going on, and if you have any more questions. Hugs, Violet"

She did write me back, and said that no one knew what to tell her, so my long-winded response was a welcome relief. She’s just fine. Welcome, Virgo.

The London Times named Violet Blue "One of the 40 bloggers who really count" and Self Magazine named TinyNibbles one of the “Best Sex Resources for Women.” Blue is an author and journalist on sex and technology, hacking and security, porn for women, privacy and bleeding-edge tech culture. She is a columnist for Engadget; she's an educator, speaker, crisis counselor, volunteer NGO trainer, and the author and editor of over 40 award-winning books. Blue is also an advisor for Without My Consent, as well as a member of the Internet Press Guild.