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Warning: strpos() [function.strpos]: needle is not a string or an integer in /home/content/32/9850332/html/pandr/blog_old/index.php on line 37"Payne & Redemption seems very ambitious and impressive. Good luck with your project! Looking forward to seeing it." - Sam Lake, creator of Max Payne & writer of the Max Payne videogames.

...I'm not even a Service Pack. At best, I might be described as a Critical Security Update for Internet Explorer.

Mac users, you are excused for not having a clue what I am on about - I'm just impressed that you can even read this!

(that was a 'Mac-users-are-stupid' joke - oh well, at least there's only 2 of them to get offended...)

Now of course, all of my PC compadres will clued up as to what I'm on about - I'm talking about Updates of course! I was comparing the updates I have for you to Windows updates. Ok, ok, you can stop laughing now.

My leeches, your comments are mighty scornful. With each one I read, a tear falls from my eye onto my thumb. I am then forced to flick it off my thumb, using a standard 'clicking' technique, which as we all learned from Bono & Bob, causes an African child to die. So please, for the sake of the children, stop posting comments that make me cry!

So you want an update? Here's one - nothing. Independent films take time, because they run into trials and tribbles. We might have a trailer out for you soon, but I can't guarantee anything yet. What I can guarantee you is that it will be released, quicker than Duke Nukem, but it will take time - in the mean of which, though, if you find yourself getting chafed, click this link, print out and remember that good things come to those who wait...

Yours disappointed to learn that Cameron Diaz in fact has no breasts,Luke "Jeff Garlin" Morgan-RoweProducer what thinks that Papua New Guinea is an island shaped a bit like a dinosaur.

This totally slipped my mind due to everything that's going on at the moment, but there is an article on Payne & Redemption and an excerpt from an interview I did with editor Pavel Barter on page 19 of the UK gaming magazine PC Zone (Issue 177) on shelves now, priced £5.99...

Yeesh... I remember when PC mags were around £2-3... But you know what Alan at WHSmith said? "You know what this is? The world's smallest violin..."

A lot of you are wondering why there haven't been any major updates recently, why we didn't wish anyone a merry Christmas, why there wasn't any Javascript snow falling from the top of the page, and... well... mainly why nothing appears to be happening with the film! And I don't blame ya...

Since wrapping, producer Luke-Morgan-Rowe has been admitted to a high-security mental asylum (where they still allow him access to the internet - idiots), DP Piers Leigh ran off to France with his secretary and is now selling Marlboro Lights to Catholic school girls, and as for me... well, I've become an alcoholic and spend most of my days pondering over which gauge shotgun cartridge would make the most interesting artistic pattern of my own brain matter on the wall behind - something, at least, Tracy Emin would be proud of. So, all in all, life is pretty good and things are progressing as we thought they would.

However, the real reason why there haven't been any updates is because, well... there are no updates. None. Zip. Zero. No enchilada - Nahmean?

We are all working as hard as we can to ensure Max Payne: Payne & Redemption is cut, coloured, washed, blow-dried & styled to the highest of standards, and we will NOT rush it for any cause. Films like these cost a lot of money, they take a lot of time and effort, but above all, they require a lot of PATIENCE... And believe me when I say, we all want to release this film as much as you guys want to see it! So stay tuned, have faith, and you won't be disappointed - I promise.

I'd also like to say, we really appreciate all the kind comments & e-mails we receive from everyone around the world, and we do try and reply to all of your e-mails, but due to the high volume of messages we receive and because of how busy things are at the moment with the film, we can't always reply to everyone... Just know that you are not being ignored and we are very grateful for your support.

Alas my young pelicans, we have entered into the 2007th year since the birth of the lord god's own son - his omnipotent, omnipresent, gracious and good spawn. No, I'm not 2007 years old!! Oh you...

Anywho, 'thas been a while since anyone's given you an update, and there's a very good reason for that - there's nothing to say. Absolutely zip zero, nada, fuck all, a pinada full of nothing, an udder that when pulled and squeezed delivers nothing but nothing, a lolly-pop mould filled with nothing, so when frozen, only it freezes, a president's head filled with...oh you get the picture.

Aha! But that would be my particular speciality! Waxing lyrical about nothing. As I have just done.

I hope you all enjoyed Mr Director's little slideshow in the previous post (you know, it took him over 36 weeks to make that thing?! Jeez, a little overkill for the end product, don't you think? Especially if you consider that it took him only 10 minutes to write the script for this "film" - shit, I'm not supposed to say that. 1x Judo Chop coming my way now...)

Anywho (twice said in one post - aren't you lucky...well, it's christmas), I thought I'd show him how it's done by putting up a few pics of my own from the P&R Christmas party, graciously hosted by our DP Piers, in his modest place...

Well, it started off well when Nigel, John & Kylie showed up in true party spirit! Most of which was downed by yours truly! Oh what a night...

Yo-Yo and Laura were enjoying themselves, but were already drunk when they arrived...typical.

Piers risked bringing his daughter, who for the entire evening was flanked by his magic "sparkly gold & red mans" - uh, yea I enquired about smoking too - but the camera doesn't lie!

Michael Johns, as usual, was not too impressed with the whole affair - kept going on about how he'd rather be with his homes poppin' gros 'n' shit.

Dewi then turned up, but didn't stay long, as he found it too hard to stay away from his computer (he actually has to peel his skin off the keyboard - and I not talking about his hands!)

Ben also couldn't stay long, as he had too many other parties to attend - at least he kept his hat on!

But the evening wouldn't be complete without a visit from El Directorio himself (currently sporting a moustache, BTW).

So it was all going so well until the damn sound system broke! Alas, yours truly was once again the hero of the moment - arriving in the nick of time with my admittedly dated iPod...

After exhausting the supply of plonk though, the party was deemed irrelevant by Fergle's mother & sister (both of whom raging alcoholics), so they decided to end it.

So that was our night, and the only thing I have to tell you. I will leave you for now with my sicerest endowment of good will & fortune for the forthcoming year. I genuinely hope & pray for you that it will be prosperous and enjoyable, and bereft of unpleasantries.