We’ve been around, lurking in the shadows, commenting on blogs where we can. Poor T-Nabs has been without internet for well over a month. Can you imagine? In our time off one of us has moved, one of us has had a terrible time at work and home, and both of us have had an inability to create for you. Through all of our trials and tribulations the only thing keeping us moving forward is our weekly brainstorming sessions and the fact that we knew we would be back soon.

We live to create for you…making you laugh brings us joy. So watch this blooper reel and laugh you cheeky bitches. LAUGH!!!

We were hoping to have the actual episode finished and ready to post today, however children who refuse to nap, techie malfunctions, and limited time left us with no option but to give you a sneak peek of what we have coming up.

While I cannot offer you the results of our experiment until the episode is released, I can give you my original write up of the who, what, and why. Pardon me for getting all scientific on you. We took this very seriously…and T-Nabs and I are HUGE dorks. Like…mahoosive. You really have no idea.

Enjoy!

INTRODUCTIONIn the young adult novel “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer, character Jacob Black is a shapeshifter. One of the more intriguing characteristics when approaching the story from a Biological standpoint is that Jacob Black’s average temperature is 108 degrees F. In the novel, all shapeshifters are able to procreate despite the fact that sperm would not be viable at these extreme temperatures in a normal human being. This line of thought led me to wonder if this elevated body temperature would cause pain or discomfort for his mate during intercourse.We conducted a pre-research experiment on the average temperature of the human penis flaccid as well as during an erect state and discovered that the penis is an average of 2 degrees warmer when erect. This would mean that the average temperature of Jacob Black’s erect penis is 110 degrees.

Our hypothesis is that the temperature of the shape shifters erect penis would cause pain and discomfort to the average human female during intercourse.

METHODTwo anonymous female participants ranging in age 25 – 30 consented to test the hypothesis using pyrex heat conducting dildo’s. Dildo’s were placed into water which was boiled until reaching preferred temperature and measured by digital thermometer. Participants began with control temperature of 98 degrees and temperature was increased incrementally until reaching 110 degrees. After each test, participants were asked to complete a short survey rating discomfort levels on a scale of 1-5, 5 being intolerable pain.

Next would come the results section of this report, but you ladies will just have to wait for that! Feel free to discuss your thoughts in the comments. We would love to hear what YOU think the results are!

The video is primarily made up of Bloopers and screen tests. I hope you enjoy!

Special thanks to the trooper who lent his penis in the name of science and did the “pre-experiment, temperature control testing” for us. An even bigger thanks goes out to his wife. THAT’s fuckin’ teamwork!!! Mr. Pantz, we salute you. *dildo’s raised*Now after you watch this video check out his damn blog. You will thank me for the rest of your life. Click HERE!!!

PS: There were no children present during the filming of these videos. All innocent eyes and ears were napping or playing outside while taping. At one point you hear the little one wake up from his nap. We may be slightly crazy, but we would never jeopardize our kiddos.

WARNING This video may not be safe for work.(this should probably go without saying at this point..)

WARNING:Abundance of Adult themes ahead.Abandon ship immediately if you are easily offended by graphic sexual acts.You have been warned. The following is pretty tasteless even for us…

Mommy G. Pumpkin, if you are reading I strongly urge you to stop right…about…NOW.

So the idea for this post reaches way back to the midnight New Moon premiere. T-Nabs and I were about half a bottle of Stoli in, and severely sleep deprived when we started talking about the ever glorious Patzy and the dirty dirty things we would like to do to him.

Let's just take a moment and enjoy the beauty that is...The Precious.

Now before I go any further, I would like ask you a question. Have you ever met a person who knows EVERY funny “nickname” for any given sexual position or act (*cough* my husband *cough*). This person often pops up after much alcohol has been consumed and tries his/her hardest to gross you out by saying things like, “I sure would like to give you two dogs in a bathtub right now…you know what that is? That’s when…” And then he/she proceeds to tell you something so disgusting you either start laughing so hard you can’t breathe or your ears start bleeding from the sheer horror of the definition. Most of these sayings are usually pretty gross and degrading, however I have to admit, I find them hilarious.

So how does this relate to Twilight you ask? No worries folks…I have a point.

So here T-Nabs and I sit, giggling our tipsy asses off, waiting for New Moon, and discussing Edward and his hotness. When suddenly from the mouth of T-Nabs spouts brilliance that could only come from a diehardTwihard.

“I love RPatz so much I want to do the REVERSE SPIDER MONKEY WITH HIM!!!!”

Um…what?

I turn to look at her and immediately I laugh so hard I almost piss myself in the middle of the theater. Yes folks, she went there.

She said it.

The Reverse Spider Monkey.

Like this. Only backwards, and nekkid.

So that got me thinking. What other sexual positions/acts could be derived from our beloved Twilight?

An AliceWhen a girl is giving a guy a blowie and she predicts when he is going to cum and immediately decides to leave and go shopping instead of finishing him off.

The Jasper BatWhen the guy does fancy dick twirling tricks before finally sticking it home.

Playing Doctor CullenWhen the guy (or girl) dips their hand in ice water and then puts on a latex glove and gives his/her partner an intimate “exam”.

A Twitchy BellaGirl on top. Girl begins to spasm uncontrollably like she is having a seizure forcing the man to hang on for dear life while she stutters and moves her hips in unpredictable patterns.

An Isle EsmeWhen the sex is so rough that you wake up in the morning with unexplainable bruises.

Jacob’s RabbitWhen a guy does a girl doggie style and uses his index and middle finger (like rabbit ears) to diddle her skittle.

A Mike NewtonWhen I girl is on top she punches her partner in the stomach right before he comes so that he throws up and then has to go home.

A Hey ArizonaWhen a guy jerks off into his hand and then shakes it all over the girl and says, “How you likinda rain girl?”

Ok, Ok, I will stop. But you have to admit it…you laughed. If you have any of your own awesome Twilight sexy slang please feel free to have at it in the comments. I know some of you girls are FAR more creative than I, and I look forward to any additions you may have. Perhaps we will create a Kama Sutra of Twilight.

Well whether you liked that or hated it, I am willing to bet that all of you will never, EVER look at the ‘spider monkey’ scene the same way again.

We've been talking about it, dropping hints about it and even accidentally commenting on blogs under the TwiPop name when we weren't supposed to be...(my fault, I can't keep my gmail accounts straight).For the past few weeksPoptarrts from Lick my Poptart & yours truly, Stoney G Pumpkin have been toiling away at our first attempt at a podcast, and we finally have it up and available for your listening, erm...pleasure?

Yes, it's a bit rough. We are still learning so don't judge us by our virgin voyage. Like all 'first times' it's a bit scary, kinda rocky, but SUPER exciting.

For our first episode we answer your questions about our FanFic: Call of Booty. We asked for reader questions and boy did we get them! Get deep into the world of Gameward and Nymphbella....and possibly pick up some exclusives!

So the other day my favorite person in the world, Poptarrts from Lick My Poptart, got a wild hair up her ass and asked me to comment on Breaking Dawn for a feature on her blog.

Now she knows me well enough to be perfectly aware that Breaking Dawn and I don't necessarily get along.

In fact, this is the movie I'm looking the most forward to and not because I'm excited about seeing the story played out on the screen I'm mostly looking forward to seeing what the fuck Summit is going to do with the implied sex, and bloody impromptu c-section...imagine that shit in 3D.

Frankly unless the official Breaking Dawn poster looks like this, my hopes are not high for an Epic Win:

(This poster made by Nameless Wonder from TwiSoup.)

So without further ado...please take a moment and check out my commentary on Breaking Dawn. I promise you will enjoy it...love the book or hate it.

We had some RL bullshit to sift through but now we are back and ready to climb back onto that sparkle peen. Yes you have heard correctly, we are ready to make funnies for you!

I just want to say thank you for all of the concerned DM's and Twitter message's and emails we received from all of you. It really means a lot to us that you have got our backs no matter what. I think I speak for T-Nabs and myself when I say, "YOU BITCHES RULE!!!!" I don't even think our family was quite as supportive as all of you have been.

We have some fun stuff up our sleeves for you but today I have just a little somethin' somethin'.

So I spend a shit ton of time on my computer...or my phone...ok, let me rephrase; I spend a shit ton of time on the INTERNET.

My husband calls my phone a tumor...I am never without it. Even the other day I get a gmail Chat from Latchkey Wife that said: Are you ever NOT on ghcat? No LKW...I am ALWAYS online...ready and available for ANYTHING. I even Twitter in my sleep...ok, not really but if I could I would.

As a result of too much time spent online, I have developed a little time killing habit of google image searching completely random shit.

I just plug in the first thing that pops in my head and sift through the pictures. The results often leave me grossed out, pissed off, pissing my self laughing, or just confused. One thing I started to notice is that no matter what I was searching for...something Twilight related almost always popped up.

I started to wonder if Google was just starting to read my mind? Or maybe my search history was playing games with me. So I deleted my search history, deleted cookies and temporary Internet files and tried again.

Sure enough. Twilight.

So I thought I would play a little game. I searched for the most wacky, un-Twilight related stuff I could think of and then tell you how many pages it took me to find something Twilighty.

Due to some unforeseen events in our real life we had to put the trip to Chicago on hold. We will not be able to see JBone and 100 Monkeys and while we are super duper bummed, sometimes family has to come first.

Don't worry, we are all fine, we just need to take a moment and get our personal lives in order.

We do have some fun things on the way though, so no worries.

Dirty Seuss will be making an appearance.

We have a great video about Twilight on it's way.

There have even been rumors of a podcast...shhhh...this is super duper top secret.

So please bear with us for a few more days. We will be back and better than ever.