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My last training update was in mid-April. In the five or so weeks since then I have taken no less than 18 DAYS OFF. That should have been more like 4 DAYS OFF. Between slight injury, familial medical emergencies, travel and minor rebellions by my house and car, it’s not been a great time for running. If I’ve done little running, I’ve done absolutely no weight work and I’ve completely neglected stretching and rolling. Bad runner. BAD RUNNER!

I’m turning over a new leaf this week. Today I went to the gym — after an interview for a new project in Manhattan — yes, to the gym, all the way the hell up in Briarcliff Manor. There, I discovered the extent to which entropy has set in. Someone traded my upper body for that of an anemic tree frog, because I couldn’t lift anything. I had to lower all my weights by at least 25% in order to do 20 reps. I will do weights at least once per week.

Then I ran 5 miles on one of their treadmills. I have a treadmill at home, but I was there anyway, so I might as well get it done. It was a long five miles, since, after I started, I looked up to see what was showing on the television right above me and it was Oprah’s Surprise Spectacular. What a surprise! Like a bad car accident, I couldn’t look. But I couldn’t look away. There was her BFF Tom Cruise, in the special seat right next to Oafrah! There was Madonna! There was Dakota Fanning! There were unfamous people talking about their dead kids or something! There were hot-panted dancers shaking their asses along with Beyonce to something that the obviously overwhelmed closed caption transcriber kept referring to as a “motha.” I kept misreading it as “mothra,” which gave it a TRIPLE BIZARRENESS SCORE!!!

Oh my god. What a celebration of megalomania!* I enjoyed every second of it. And this was just Part 1!

I know someone who briefly worked for Oprah. Have you gotten the impression that she’s a really nice person? Well, guess what? She’s not! She is actually insane.