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2. Strike that. I will never eat a meal again. I will be forced to eat random snacks I find at the bottom of my purse or in the car because I will continually be too busy and forget to eat.

3. I will be expected to be available at all times during my child’s shower to adjust the temperature with the faucet because it is always too hot or too cold and can change multiple times during a 10 minute shower. (Seriously when do they learn to adjust the temperature themselves?)

4. The main sentences in my house will be the following:

• Stop picking your nose.
• Don’t stick your toy in that.
• You need to poop INSIDE the potty.
• No you can’t build a rocket ship out of crap in the random crap drawer.
• Stop picking your nose. (I say that one a lot)
• Eat your dinner.
• Sit down and eat your dinner.
• Stop crying and eat your dinner.
• No I did not make that to torture you.

6. If I get rid of the one toy that they haven’t play with in 2 years that is the one toy they will ask me about the day after I get rid of it. And then I will have to go to the store and spend $50 replacing it because I crumble like gluten-free bread under my children’s guilt trips.

7. Bedtime is actually hours after I put them in bed.

8. “Go to bed and stay there” means absolutely nothing in my children’s language. I may as well be speaking Chinese after they hear the words “It’s bedtime”

9. There are such days as Pee on the floor day. Where everyone in my house somehow manages to pee on the floor. Including the cat.

10. I will never pee or shower alone again. Someone will always barge in, bring their drama, expect me to referee from the shower stall, find a toy behind the toilet, need juice, a snack, fall down, cry, have to pee, or have a poop emergency while I am using the bathroom. Including the cat.