Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Well, Wilma decided to be "generous" and allow us a fall break this year. So, being that they weren't sure exactly how much food they had, and we have a 7pm curfew, and everything in the area is a MESS, and we have a week off of school....I decided it was as good a time as any to head home. So, here I am!!

I'm going to try to get some work done while partying it up with old friends and spending time with my goofy little fur ball!! I'm currently using a computer that might have been Pebbles' first (sorry, I'm sick of the Flintstones references, too), so I probably won't be around much until next week. Then it's nucking futs time at school as we try to make up a week lost in the last half of the semester. I'll try to get my pics developed by the time I go back so I can post them for you all to see what Wilma did to my poor little campus.

Have a terrific week, all!! See you after my leisure time is complete!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

In preparation for the storm, I left the following message on my voicemail: "Hey guys, this is Tina checking in from Hurricane Alley! If you're getting this message it probably means I don't have cell service. You can try my land line ###-###-####, but it's a cordless so if we don't have power that won't work. Your best bet is to just leave me a message and I'll try to get back to you whenever I can. Thanks!! Bye!"

Interesting responses:

Vanessa (a friend who lives about 20 minutes South of me--well within impact zone): "I guess you don't have service or power. I'm really worried about you, please call me right away!!" This was supplemented by two text messages saying about the same thing (different wording each time so I know she sent it twice on purpose) and one asking how I was holding up. Perhaps I'm just a synic, but how can I call you if you can't call me and how am I supposed to get your text messages if I can't get your phone calls??

Lisa (friend, somewhere on the other coast of FL, I think, who really knows): "Hurricane Allie?? I thought it was Hurricane Wilma!! What's going on?!?!? Please call me I'm so worried about you." D'oh!

They're talking about evacuating us now. Boca (our main campus) has no water, electricity, phones, cable (not sure how they know that without power), internet. They were "shelter shopping" this morning, trying to find a place for all the residents to go. We may be out of classes the rest of the week. Our food supply here is rather insufficient even though there aren't many of us here. They're hoping for a shipment, but some of the roads aren't very safe and they're limiting traffic in some areas. The other buildings on campus don't have power, so they aren't certain if we'll maintain power.

They're meeting at 10am (now) to discuss what to do. We should know before 1 what's going on.

So more waiting games. But again, I've got a food stash, 3/4 tank of gas, plenty to do, so I'm really not worried about anything. I'm just fine here!! Promise!

So Wilma rolled on up in here starting in the middle of Sunday night, packing a cat 3 punch. It was pretty nasty and totally exciting at the same time. I didn't get much sleep due to the anticipation and loud rain outside. I got up around 7 and turned on the TV (and returned it on through the various brown outs) and got out some homework reading. I watched TV and read and watched the storm until there were only two of the three options left. The power disappeared somewhere between 8-10 (I lost track of time).

Around 10-10:30 the eye came over us. Nothing terribly exciting, we didn't get the eerie calm. The wind slowed down and rain got very light. Then we were in it for round two. The wind was worse during the second half, but there was much less rain. There are about 50 of us or so still on campus and we meet in various common areas of our respective buildings (we weren't allowed to leave the buildings for obvious reasons) to watch things. It was pretty much done by around 1 or 2 and everything was completely done by about 4.

They opened the dining hall to feed us cold cuts for about an hour, but I opted out (they buy the lowest quality meat and it's SO nasty). The dorms were so quiet and so loud all at the same time with nothing on and nothing to drown out noise. I have a professor who lives very nearby and she had offered up her house to us prior to the storm. Sleeping in an eerie, non-powered bedroom (with windows that don't open, hence very stagnant, ever warmer air) didn't really appeal to me so I went to her place for the night. It was interesting driving the less-than-one mile to her house. This area is very new so there are lots of trees without root systems. Lots of them wound up in the street, along with street lights, traffic signals, power lines, and who knows what else.

I just got back and found that we indeed have power now (I'm told it came back between 11:00 and midnight). It's VERY chilly outside. I'd say cold, but then I'd get laughed at. AOL is telling me it's about 54 F. One of my friends is having some trouble. She's a bit on edge. I might wind up taking her home to Kissimmee (Disney area) today and spending some time at home. I originally opted to stay here so I could get work done, but I think she might need to go home and doesn't have a way to get there.

So that's were everything is. My cell phone is working, when it wants to. My room phone is working now that we have power (cordless), but I don't have an answering machine. I'll try to keep in contact as much as I can, but no need to worry about me!! I'm doing just fine!

(I took a bunch of pictures, but I'm not cool enough for a digital camera, so I'll try to get those developed and on a CD so I can post some of them).

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Well, I just found out that my long weekend will now extend into Tuesday. So much time to be productive!! Although, I still can't rationalize why they did that. The storm should be out of the area by late Monday evening. But hey, no complaining here!!

I just need to say how BEAUTIFUL it has been here, with the exception of Friday. Even then, it wasn't really nasty, just some on and off rain. Saturday was gorgeous. On my way to breakfast/lunch with some friends, we passed a family on their bikes, out for a mid-day ride. Today was sunny and bright as well. The winds were up a little, but it was hard to tell if that was just normal "autumn" breezes or hurricane induced winds. I saw one light shower that lasted all of five minutes earlier today, but nothing really so far. The forecast STILL has it going directly over us. We're supposed to have a building meeting later tonight to go over worse-case-scenarios (I think). One of my favorite professors offered me her one of her spare rooms at their place if things get yucky here. I've worked with both her and her husband last year and this year and her kids are terrific. So, if we loose power or water or something comes flying through my impossible glass, I skip on over to her place (which is at max a mile from here).

So, life goes on as normal around here. Went to church, then sang in the Latin choir, came home, did some homework, cleaned my room, did my laundry (wow, didn't realize I hadn't done it in so long), and now I'm about to get back to doing some grad school stuff. Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!! Have fun at work tomorrow and Tuesday--he he *snicker, snicker*

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Okay, so I decided to take part of this weekend and clear away some of this looming application work.

I registered for the GRE, but since I waited too long, I can't take it until Nov 4 and I have to go home to do it even that early. Then I busted out the GRE prep book my friend gave me. I wasn't really all that worried about my verbal scores, all I do is read and write. However, it has been 2-3 years since I've even so much as touched my calculator other than to balance my check book. So the math portion was worrying me a bit. So I start with the first practice test. I completely screwed up the instructions for the verbal and bombed that section. I did equally as poorly on the math, but I expected that...just needed to get those particular cogs going again. Well, I realized my instruction mistake and went through each problem and read the solutions and explanations anyway. I was still raring to go, so I decided to take another practice test. Well, this time I knew what the instructions were and I was fairly confident that my score would sky rocket. No such luck. I got the same terrible score!!! My math score shot way up, though. Now explain this one to me, please!! I'm absolutely baffeled! I figured I was just worse off than I expected and started working on the extra verbal activities provided. Well, I was doing 90% or better on all those activities. I just don't get it.

So then I decided to turn my attention to my applications. I found that two of the applications I want, I still don't have. I tried e-mailing the person listed on one site for a packet, but the e-mail bounced. Terrific. The other site I tried filling out the online form (again) and (again) it wouldn't process. I found another address for someone at the first school and e-mailed him. Then I found an address for someone at school two and e-mailed him. Meanwhile, I still had a couple of packets that I wanted to take a closer look at. Last night I submitted the electronic portion of my #1 choice and filled out all the supplemental materials. I just have one more essay to write for that one. Talk about nerve racking and exciting all in the same ragged breath. So then I looked at the other applications. One of my other top choices requires quite a bit more than I've done. That school is near my northern relatives, so if all else fails, I could do non-degree seeking work while living with one of them and get residency there. Then re-apply. That actually wouldn't be a terrible idea. Except hanging around for a year, blah. Another school has really turned me off, so I threw that application to the side. Finally I filled out one more application. It's not one of my top choices, but if I might wind up sending it in anyway. Each one of these things is $50 a pop to so much as submit. No refunds for getting shot down.

I feel good, sorta. I little more at ease and a little more stressed out. I've got to figure out this verbal thing and work on entrance essays and personal statements and ... Still hanging out, waiting to see what Miss Wilma's going to bring while watching TS Alpha! It should be intersting to see if that one stays its course. I wonder what colliding hurricanes does....

Anyway, I've got degree audit paper work to fill out so I can get on up out of this joint in May! Hope everyone's staying safe and having fun!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Whoo Hoo!! Long weekend!! My school has finally decided to make a decision. They’ve cancelled Monday classes and closed the university Sunday and Monday, but we’re not going on total lockdown. Meaning, the dorms are open to residents ONLY and all other buildings will be closed. All the upper-classmen are hitting the store to stock up on…er….necessities (of the alcoholic persuasion) and preparing to hunker down. The under-classmen are scattering like cockroaches in the light. Me, I’m stoked to have the whole weekend to myself, two of my roommates went home and the other one is pretty quiet and tends to occupy herself with her local friends off campus. I went to the store, amazing wasn’t a mad house, and bought milk, juice, and crackers. All predictions have put this storm exiting the state right over our city (National Hurricane Center & Hurricane Alley & Local News). The timing and strength has fluctuated quite a bit, though. Like I said, I’m prepared to ride this thing out. I’m going to curl up with my blankie, GRE prep book, a cup of grape juice, and some Triscuits!! I’m hard core, let me tell ya! I sincerely hope the eye passes over us. It shouldn’t be strong enough to cause that much damage (besides I live in the ritziest part of the state—if I wasn’t in the dorms I’d never be able to live here, barely can even with that precaution). I just think it will be cool to experience the calm, blue skies of the eye in the middle of the storm. I’ve been through enough on the edges; I want the full thing this time ;) Yes, I know I’m asking for it, but hey, after a million anticlimactic storms can’t I wish for a little excitement to accompany all the panic?

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend! I’m going to get back to the studying and enjoying my hurricane weekend!

The concrete building I call homeafter a few hurricanes last year.

The street I actually live on, at home after Jeanne, as a cat 1

P.S. Are there any other regular readers that I haven't gotten in my link list?? I tried to finally update it and now I can't figure out if I included all my normal haunts :/

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I'm fervently working on my thesis like a good little girl and catching up. My stress level is still relatively high, but I'm working on putting it in His hands and letting go. I'm doing better...

Now this! I don't have the $50 it's going to cost to evac. Besides, most of our gas stations are out of gas anyway. We've been having a problem with that lately. I wonder what they're going to do now that they're out of names. Go AWAY, Wilma!!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I know I said I wasn't going to be on much for a bit, but I'm giving up my morning nap to relate an INCREDIBLE story.

Yesterday was terrible, just awful! I got back midterm after midterm with nothing to show the amount of work I've been doing. My day started at 5:30 just like every day, and I was off and running non-stop until 10:30 last night. Homework, classes, errands, homework, classes, homework...and it all HAD to be done yesterday. I was in over my head and losing my grip, FAST!!

Joseph had messaged me yesterday morning and we'd kept a running dialog most of the day. By the time I was sitting in my last class of the day, without my homework for that class complete, with an unimpressive midterm grade, and a new LENGTHY homework assignment in my hands I lost it. I was sitting in class willing myself not to shake which in turn forced me into tears. So now I'm trying not to shake and trying not to cry. I sent Joseph a quick message hoping that his encouragement would help. He did respond, but it lacked sincerity. I chalked that evaluation up to my stress level. Class goes on and I was actually getting a lot accomplished (it was a lab). I finished a huge assignment by doing some tricky programing work in excel. It must be noted that I despise LapPro! After I finished I started helping another student who's my mother's age and just doesn't get this whole computer thing. After we gave it a rest we started walking out and actually started talking about God and Christianity and peace and grace and comfort. It was REALLY cool!

I walked passed the Homecoming carnival to my lonely and VERY messy dorm room to finish the homework and e-mail it to my professor. I sent Joseph a final text message around 10:15 to let him know I was finally done with my day and going to bed. At least I thought I was. My dinner selection decided to haunt me, so I didn't fall asleep very quickly (I guess popcorn and Pepsi on an empty and stressed out stomach isn't the best idea--particularly for someone sensitive to caffeine). Now, anyone who knows me knows that I go to bed as close to 9 as I possibly can since I don't sleep well, ever, and I have to get up so early. My phone started vibrating at 10:45 and I figured I was awake so I might as well answer it. It was Joseph. With torn emotions, I answered. At first he was very concerned and did his "it will be okay and you'll get through it just like always and what can I do" routine. At the last comment I laughingly said he could write my thesis for me. He asked what it was about (hello, where have you been?) and I told him Panama. He gave me a very conservative and limited-knowledge two sentence summary of the fact that Panama has a canal. I laughed at his assessment of the situation.

I then launched into an explanation of my thesis from intro through conclusion. I was starting to feel a lot better and more in control of things as I realized I had more of an idea what I was going to write about than I'd previously thought. Just as I was relaxing in this realization, he piped in with his conservative pro-American argument. I tried to point out to him facts that I've come across in my MONTHS of research. This was in vain, of course. I was trying to let go of his ignorant critique of my hard work when he launched into Puerto Rican bashing. Well, that's about all I could take. You're not going to find many Latin American scholars accepting an ignorant commentary laced with such hatred. I decided that explaining some reasons for the things that he was complaining about was a waste of my time and abruptly ended the phone call. I sent him a text message trying to calmly explain why I had gotten upset and to apologize for my rudeness. His messages in return were terribly rude, meanly rude. I called him crying to say that if this is the way he shows his friendship when I needed his support most, I had no interest. He just argued more and argued that he hadn't been arguing and basically said he didn't care what I felt. We basically hung up on each other.

That was it! I curled up in a ball and started uncontrollably crying. My jaw was chattering, I was shaking all over, tears were STREAMING down my face, and I was whimpering as a result of trying to hold back sobs. It was BAD! But, it didn't last all that long. Shortly after I broke down a thought passed through my mind: "forgive him." I suddenly remembered the devotional I'd read that morning about being quick to forgive but careful to not allow abuse to perpetuate. By the time that flash of thought finished, I realized I was laying flat on my back, one leg straight and under the covers, one leg cocked to support the small of my back, my arms comfortably positioned. The shaking and chattering had stopped. My cheeks were wet, but no new tears were flowing. I was calm, peaceful, and comfortable. "Just forgive him, Tina."

I laid there, still, for a LONG time. I don't lay/sit/stand still for any given amount of time. When I finally did move, I rolled over and fell fast asleep.

I cannot describe the incredible power the Lord can have when He rushes in and touches our lives. There is only one explanation for what happened to me last night. I was spiraling downward so fast, so out of control. In one single moment, He came to me and calmed me. Instantaneously. I only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night. I need much more to function, especially after such a long and stressful day. However, today I'm only slightly sleepy. I didn't doze off watching cartoons while babysitting this morning; didn't have the need to take a nap after sitting and before class. I'm almost shaking in pure excitement and disbelief. I can handle anything because at the end of the day, it's not me who is handling it at all.

On my way to babysit, the song I had posted earlier came on the radio, "You'll think of me." I cranked it and listened to the words, again, with new meaning. The following verse jumped out at me:

Someday I'm gonna run across your mindDon't worry, I'll be fineI'm gonna be alrightWhile you're sleeping with your prideWishing I could hold you tightI'll be over you And on with my life

I'm going to be fine. I'm going to get over him. I was in love with what he represented, not with who he was. I'm working on another poem, perhaps I'll be more proud of this one. I'll post it later, once I've worked it all out.

I hope everyone has a terrific day. I'll be back once I tie up some loose ends and get at least up to date. God bless!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I'm currently trying to fight off a panic attack. Two mediocre test grades, one mediocre essay grade combined with more work than there are hours in the day is freaking me out. In the past four days I've probably eaten sufficiently for one and yet I'm not hungry, nor do I have to time to care. I'll be offline for awhile. Please send your love, I could use it right now.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Today is the "glorious" recognition of the "founder" of the new world. This blog could get really long and spiteful, but I'm going to make it as to the point as possible. This wonderful man had his math COMPLETELY wrong and thought he could make it to India in a matter of a couple of months. A month longer than the trip was expected to be, they got lucky and ran into the islands in the Caribbean. They would have died had they not stumbled upon the riches (of the land, not of metal) of the indigenous people. So the story continues to talk about his grand development and the civilazation of the savage people. And by civilazation, I do mean wiping out all the indigenous and replacing them with Europeans and black slaves. Some indigenous were crafty enough to blend in and completely forget their old ways (there have been recent biological tests to show that 25% of the genetic make-up of the population of the Dominican Republic is in fact Taino).

Then there's this monument. The monument is in his honor in the Dominican Republic (where he first settled). They kicked several neighborhoods worth of people out of their homes to build this thing. Then, they light it up and shine this huge cross into the night sky on special occasions (i.e., today). When they do, most of the city has to go without power, which is in rather short supply to begin with.

So, please, just keep alongWalk away and ignore my tearsMaybe you'll remember meWhen you look back on these years.

Here, LP, I tried. My pathetic attempt at a cheesy poem. I really wish I could stop crying, stop caring, stop wanting to be in his arms. Above all I wish I knew how. Why do I allow him to have this control over me? Why can't I just harden my heart and move on? What was different about the last time, the time I walked away and hurt him? Now he's the one who's left me broken and alone. I know it will never work out, I know he's no good for me, I know I deserve better. Then why can't I convince myself of that. Funny thing is, I didn't want to get back together with him until the past few weeks. Is this all because before I knew he still wanted me and I could turn around at any given moment and now I know he's finally moving on?

I'm feeling so lost and alone right now. My few friends are all hurting right now and I'm the strong one. I have to be strong with my mom, can't let her see me hurt. The only person in the world I can turn to right now might not care, and if he did, it'd hurt all the more. Shit, even the counselor doesn't want to see me anymore. So instead I pour my heart out online to people I don't know and will probably never meet.

Church has always been a place of comfort to me, but right now they're doing this series called "God @ Home" which makes me feel all that much more alone. I don't have a "home" right now. My mom's so far away and I'm temporarily renting this dorm space until I move, yet again, at the end of this year. My father doesn't talk to me nor does most of his family. Right now I want nothing more than to crawl into someone's lap and cry myself to sleep. Too bad there's no one around.

I guess that's all I've got. I'm just hurting so much right now and feel like there's no one for me to turn to. I'll probably wind up calling him and either feel worse because he won't have time for me or won't care...or because he'll toy with my mind and emotions once again, whether intentionally or not. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

So I've spent the whole day locked in my room being very productive and a good little senior thesis writting girl. I came across a place in my notes where I'd listed books from another university that I'd wanted to get through interlibrary loan. One of those books I really wanted to own myself. The only problem is that it was written by a Panamanian and published by a Panamanian press. Apparently it's next to impossible to get books from Latin American countries that aren't published in the United States. I got online and started searching and searching. I finally found a site that listed several books by this author and gave an e-mail link to contact if you wanted to purchase the books. Thinking nothing of it, I sent an e-mail expressing my interest in buying this specific book. I wasn't sure if I'd even get a response. Well, after all my hard work I rewarded myself with a dinner out with a friend, topped off with icecream (I feel sick, in that good way). So I come back to an e-mail from the AUTHOR of the book. He lists off a few stores where I might aquire this book if I lived in Panama. However, I very much do not live in Panama...I hadn't read far enough. He also said if I lived outside of Panama, to give him my address and he'd find out how much it would cost to mail it to me. SCORE!!! I e-mailed him back explaining a bit of my interest and why I wanted a copy of his book so badly and included my mailing address. He e-mailed me back to say that it would cost $20 to send it and to either mail him a money order or cash wrapped up. How cool is that?!?!? So now I'm going to get an awesome book from the author himself. ROCK!!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Okay, so time for a real post. It's been a long week and fairly roller-coasterish.

Saturday night I was almost home from the lab when my phone rang. It was the home number of a dear friend who was to be getting married this coming weekend (Oct 9) . As I was supposed to be in the wedding, I assumed the phone call was important. That was an understatement!! The wedding has been called off. Her mom was so upset, poor woman. "They both need more time, particularly him." What did the bastard do?? I'll wack his weenie off!!! But, she didn't give details, just said to pray and that the "bride," K, would call me when she was ready. She said she sent K to stay with K's sister in New Jersey for awhile (they live in a VERY small town in NC). Her poor mom was in tears when she asked me to call a couple of the other bridesmaids that I'm close to. K is the LAST person in the world you'd want to double cross. She's beautiful, sweet, innocent, PERFECT in every way. I want to kill him for hurting her.

After that "lovely" conversation, I picked up my roommate and we grabbed some fine, gourmet dining. Yes, by that I do mean Taco Bell. On our way back to our suite (the first time I've been in the building in about 30 hrs) I notice my bicycle isn't sitting in the little alcove of the hallway. Terrific, I'm running on two hours of sleep, terrible news and now this?!?!? I talked to the housing director and he said he'd look into it but no promises. An hour or two later it was found, thank God. Apparently the Fire Marshal had been in the other dorm building and found a bike "out of place" and confiscated it. On of the RA's heard about it and had seen my bike in the hallway, WAY out of the way, in a cubby hole of wasted space, and had hidden it in a storage closet so it wouldn't get swiped. I was jumping up and down when I wheeled it into our common room, its new home.

Okay, I've now been up for 36 hours with a two hour nap. I think it's about time for me to sleep!! Just kidding. The people above me think it's wonderful to play their music really loud and dance. Okay, fine. I dug out my little fan, faced it towards the wall, and created my own little sound machine. Nope, still not good enough. Okay, how about my little sound machine and a smooth CD playing right by my head. Well, that was better and after an hour or so I finally passed out.

Sunday--the sun is shining and I'm semi-well rested and running late for church. I NEVER EVER EVER run late. I despise being late. Oh well, there's a first time for everything. So I get to church and it's all about family and home life and blah blah blah. Our new series is "God @ Home" and the "theme verse" is Joshua 24:15 "but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." I remember my brother saying that phrase a bit and I can picture this painting he has in his house that has that below it. My brother and I haven't really spoken in the past few years. In fact, we've barely seen each other and made it a point to avoid each other. Since he doesn't have a good relationship with my mom, avoiding him isn't very hard. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen my 20 month niece (that's 1 2/3 years for Damasta) and still have a finger or two left to pick my nose. So yeah, things basically suck between us, which is spectacular since neither one of us has a relationship with our father and I'm loosing my relationship with my dad's side of the family as my brother looses my mom's side of the family.

Anyway, I've been thinking about him a lot lately and this sermon was basically a "hello, call him stupid" for me. So, after the service, I did just that. On my way to the car, I was shaking as I took out my cell phone and scanned my list for his name. Our conversation went REALLY well. I think we've both started growing up enough to tolerate each other a bit more and to put past bullshit behind us. We talked for about 20 minutes. We agreed that we didn't want to loose each other as we've lost so much family already (and apparently we're loosing more--but that's another story). He basically invited me to step into the role as his daughter's only aunt. The whole thing was really cool. I hung up the phone and started bawling...out of overwhelming emotion. By that point I was sitting at a table in Applebee's with a friend and the server gave me a very strange look. Oh well!

After all of that it was back to church for spn service and singing. Yay!!

Well afterward I was supposed to go to the beach with a friend where I don't know what she was planning to do, but I made it clear that I HAD to read and study. I called her to see what she was doing and if we were still on. That lead into a two hour conversation about how depressed she was and how she's been treating me like crap and her holier than thou attitude and stuff. It was pretty intense, but it's good that it's out there. Then I invited her over for dinner to show there were no hard feelings, even though I really didn't have the time to waste. But, it's all good.

This week is midterm week. I had an exam on Monday (did okay), a paper due on Tuesday (pretty good), and an exam today (eh). I'm still beat from my escapades over the weekend. While I had a great time, I realized it's one of the last times I'll be doing something like that with that group of friends. Add on top of everything the Joseph drama....OY! Let's just say that the beginning of the week didn't go well.

Tuesday was Rosh Hashana (sorry if I spelled that wrong) so the public schools were out. The girl that I babysit was home all day with her mom, but her mom had to do something for three hours in the afternoon so I was going to watch her. Well, the little girl wanted to come hang out at my place. That's cool. I figured I'd take her swimming at the pool here on campus. Well, this poor kid came to find out that tropical weather and dorm rooms don't really mix. I have a wide selection of kid movies, but 7 year olds can only sit through so much Disney, apparently. She can thank Tropical Storm Tammy for her blah afternoon.

Then there's Joseph. I never sent him that letter. I was too upset to send it the day I wrote it and didn't care enough to send it after that. Maybe I'll still send it, maybe I won't. All I know is that I have to put distance between us because the closeness we'd been toying with was too much for me. We're supposed to spend Nov 4th together (an event that he wanted me to go to with him), but I don't know if that's going to happen. Basically, I don't know much of anything.

Thursday afternoons are my usual time to meet with the counselor. He said he couldn't think of much for us to talk about and that if I really wanted to come in, I could, but he didn't think it was necessary. I'm a bit confused. I still feel really depressed, but perhaps that's just my situation and things will start looking up soon enough. He said he'd put me down for a maybe next week, but unless something comes up, he doesn't think we'll be meeting anymore. Um, okay. I guess I should take that as a good sign, but it was just struck me as a bit odd.

So now I've got all weekend to do all the thesis stuff I've been supposed to be doing all semester long. My adviser responded to an e-mail I sent her about something completely non-related and wrote "P.S. I haven't seen anything from you this semester, what do you think your grade is at this point?" OOPS!!

Ahhhh, the sweet bliss of blogging again. Now if only I can catch up so I can do it daily or almost daily or something. My poor devotional sits gathering dust, too. I can make up excuses for not blogging, but not having time for God is a little wrong. Anyway, have a terrific day and weekend. And Happy HNT to all of you half nekkid people!!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I can't tell you how much it pains me to write this and the words aren't coming very easily. Since we've both had trouble making up our minds, I'm going to make one decision for us both. This isn't working and it's got to end. I need to focus on my school work; you need to focus on your new interest. You're not being fair to her or me by keeping us both in the middle. She deserves better than to be continually left hanging. Our love was too strong and went on for too long to try to be friends. It was easy to love you, it was easy to hate you, but it's killing me being your friend. I love you too much to be merely your friend. However, we both know that a relationship won't work either; it didn't work before, we're too different, neither one wants it, and we're at different places in life. There's too much history and passion between us. It's got to be all or nothing...since all doesn't work, I guess we're left with nothing. Please understand that I'm not blaming you. I'm just as guilty. What happened at the beginning of August toyed with us both. I can't tell you how similar I feel now to how I felt three years ago. You kept me on the side while you were with her and now you're doing the same, and I'm letting it happen, again. I can't do this. I love you, Joseph. I always have, and I always will, but now's the time to let go, again. I'm sorry, goodbye.

I woke up early this morning around 4amWith the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstateI pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleepBut thoughts of us kept keeping me awakeEver since you found yourself in someone else's armsI've been tryin' my best to get alongBut that's OKThere's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedomTake your memories I don't need'emTake your space and take your reasonsBut you'll think of meAnd take your cat and leave my sweater'Cause we have nothing left to weatherIn fact I'll feel a whole lot betterBut you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my headI tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions leftI guess I'm feeling just a little tired of thisAnd all the baggage that seems to still existIt seems the only blessing I have left to my nameIs not knowing what we could have beenWhat we should have beenSo

Take your records, take your freedomTake your memories I don't need'emTake your space and take your reasonsBut you'll think of meAnd take your cat and leave my sweater'Cause we have nothing left to weatherIn fact I'll feel a whole lot betterBut you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mindDon't worry, I'll be fineI'm gonna be alrightWhile you're sleeping with your prideWishing I could hold you tightI'll be over you And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedomTake your memories I don't need'emAnd take your cat and leave my sweater'Cause we have nothing left to weatherIn fact I'll feel a whole lot betterBut you'll think of me

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Oy! I'm so tired today. It's a good thing running the lab doesn't take much brain power.

So last night, as promised, I took off on an adventure. I met my god-daughter's father, Chad, and her 14 year old uncle in Lakeland and we drove to Tampa to meet the boy, Joseph, and go to Howl-O-Scream at Busch Gardens. The car ride over was a blast. It's a little over a half an hour and with Chad driving, I don't really want to know exactly how long (or not long) it took us. We were being crude and rude and sexist and all kinds of other stuff. I was laughing so hard I had to make the boys shut up and eat the fast food we'd picked up so I could have a breathing break. We were rocking out to ACDC on the hard rock station, then embarrassed the kid by rocking out to the smooth 80's stuff on the soft hits station. It was awesome!! No holds barred. I think they only way anyone would have believed we were stone sober at the time would have been with a breathilizer test.

We got there and we're walking to meet Joseph and another couple that none of us crack heads (the three from the ride over) has met before--co-workers/friend's of Joseph's. I decided that the SHORT walk to the tram stop was too far and made Chad give me a piggy back ride. That lasted about three steps before my stretch low rise jeans created a frightening scene. I know we were all there to be scared, but I don't think that's what people had in mind. So he dropped me, quite literally, I barely kept my feet under me, pulled up my pants, and walked on my own two feet.

We got to the gate and meet this new couple and it was SO awkward. Joseph didn't know how to interact with me. I was having a great time and wasn't going to allow him to ruin it so I focused my attention on my crack-head comrades. Things didn't smooth out until we went in the first haunted house. Now, I'm really sensitive to strobe lights. Yes, I know I shouldn't go to spooky haunted things where I know there will be strobes, but hey, I'm young and dumb! Well, Joseph is well aware of this issue as we've been to this event (and similar ones) many a time. I told Chad, who was walking behind me, to touch my waist or shoulders or something when we went through strobes (I get so disoriented that I can't figure out which way is up or down, left or right, so a simple touch usually helps). Well, apparently having someone behind me do that is totally different from me reaching out to the person in front of me. The first strobe area we walked into, Chad was right there like I'd asked him to, but I couldn't figure out where to go. All of the sudden I felt a very familiar hand in mine, leading me through. Just leading me through, nothing more. It was really nice. He'd remembered and taken care of me, but at the same time, it was totally platonic.

When we got out, one of the group who hadn't gone through the house was off getting her fortune told. Dude, I HATE waiting around. I started wondering around the area, basically just pacing. After a while, we were all tired of waiting and the beer stand was still staring us in the face. Chad bought me a Bacardi Raz and himself a yard of beer, a Howl-O-Scream tradition. Well, I ate a small dinner (my only meal of the day) a few hours before and I was sweating like a cow--FL heat & humidity mixed with a ton of people=nasty! To top it off, I'm pretty much a one drink wonder to begin with. I downed the drink a little too fast realizing I was REALLY thirsty. Oh yeah, that was all it took. Then I was made fun of for about an hour until I got a bottle of water and we sat through an air-conditioned show. Nothing like good friends to tease you relentlessly when you can't for the life of you walk a straight line, or even walk without falling over yourself for that matter.

So the rest of the night went pretty smoothly. I didn't have anymore to drink but two of the guys continued drinking until both us chicks had their keys. Luckily Chad sobered up before we left 'cause I didn't have my glasses with me and driving at night being nearsited isn't a terrific idea. We ragged on each other, teased each other, scared the piss out of each other, reminisced about years passed, laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves, and had a generally terrific time. By the way, the rabid dog title comes from a Howl-O-Scream a few years ago. Someone was yelling "beware of rabid dog" and we picked it up and have been saying it ever since. Well, in my quasi-drunken state, we were walking through a scare zone when a man dressed as a dog jumped out at me. I have terrible depth perception with my glasses on and it significantly worsens without my glasses. Add to it that I was intoxicated...I had NO IDEA how far away from me this dog-dude was. I ran over the other chick thinking he was going to crash into me while Chad was behind me screaming "rabid dog." I almost fell over myself trying to give him an high five while laughing hysterically.

Towards the end of the night there was a older child (late elementary school) on this bungie/trampoline thing. He looked to be Hispanic, probably Mexican or Guatemalan. Joseph made a horribly crude racial joke. Well, I can take a lot of things, but this is one Latin American scholar that you don't want to piss off. He starting laughing to himself and looked over to check my reaction (I was the only one in ear-shot, hence the joke was made specifically to me). The look on his face was classic a "oh shit." He backtracked a lot and apologized a million times over. It was funnier to see him squirm than to let him know that I was only minimally offended and was over it by the time he'd even opened his mouth to apologize. It taught him a good lesson though.

As the evening came to a close, we all said our goodbyes and went out separate ways. The decision was made that I'd stay with Joseph to avoid some serious drama at my god-daughter's house. Her mom didn't come with us and didn't know I was coming, basically because I didn't know I was coming until the last minute. Had she known, she would have guilt tripped Chad into not going and either both of them staying home or Chad staying home with the baby and her coming in his place. So we decided to say that I'd chosen to join them at the last minute, which was true, and that I had to take care of something at home, which was stretching the truth, a lot.

So I rode back with Joe who was hungry and we waited in the line at McDonald's for who knows how long (along with everyone else who'd been at the park). Finally we made it back to his place around 3am. Mind you I still stink, and pretty noticeably (I still can't figure out why it was so bad though). So I take a shower and he's in bed by the time I got out (I was just glad he didn't insist on joining me in the shower). I didn't really want to sleep in his bed, but the short loveseat wasn't appealing either. Besides, if either of us was going to sleep on the loveseat, it would have been him... his rules, not mine. I asked him what the sleeping arrangements were and he said I could sleep in there with him...gee thanks. So I climbed into "my" side of the bed, all the way at the edge and laid on my side with my back to him. He came over and tried to give me a hug and a kiss, or whatever he was trying to do, all he got to do was give me an awkard hug and a kiss on the cheek. He whispered goodnight all sweet and sexy and seductive like. I just mumbled back goodnight, normally, uninterested. I could tell he was a little rejected, but I'm okay with that. He went back to his side of the bed and we. When the alarm went off 2.5 hours later he tried the cuddling thing again, but again was rebuffed. I was proud of myself.

Fifteen minutes later, it was 6:15 and I was ready to head out. After a long drive, I made it to the lab alive (I didn't fall asleep at the wheel) and actually a good bit early. I don't know how I did this driving-back-from-his-house-first-thing-in-the-morning-before-the-sun-comes-up thing so much my freshman year. I guess I'm just getting old or something. I'm dragging so much today.

Now, I'm not as convinced that I'm done with him, emotionally. However, I am more resolved to rebuff his advances and move on the best that I can. It's time to move on, again... besides, like we've always said, if it's meant to be, it will come around again...but if it's not, no point in waiting around to find out. "It's my life. It's now or never..."

About Me

I'm a first time mom learning the ropes and figuring out how to be a modern mommy! What was second nature to my great-grandparents and grandparents is brand new and modern to me! Follow me as I endeavor on this journey of breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and generally attempting to be a modern mommy!