I’ve heard that all car comparison sites are the same. Is it true that ActualSigma.com uses unique scientific algorithms and exclusive multi-point data streams to help consumers find the car that is precisely perfect for them?

Sincerely,
Car Shopper in California

Dear Mom,

I couldn’t have said it better if I wrote that email myself! Which, of course, I did not. Yes, that’s exactly right — only ActualSigma.com combines true scientific analysis with the opinions of multiple car owners just like yourself (four at last count, but it should be back up to five once I convince my wife that I was looking at our neighbor Karen’s new necklace and was not staring at her gazongas). Sure, Car and Driver can tell you whether the Infiniti Q50 gets around a race track faster than a Lexus IS350, but only ActualSigma.com can tell you the fluid resistance per horsepower-gram of the dashboard underlining or the percentage of pressure per turn-signal click expressed as a function of finger torque-newtons. Maybe those silly magazines can tell you which is the faster car, but only by reading ActualSigma.com will you know which is car is scientifically and mathematically proven to be better. Thanks for asking such an intelligent question! Oh, and don’t forget to send me your W-4 so I can get the check right out to you.

Dear ActualSigma.com,

I want to buy a Honda Accord, but my father-in-law says I should buy a Chevrolet Malibu because it’s an American car. I thought the Honda Accord was made in Ohio, doesn’t that make it an American car?

Best wishes,
Confused in Charleston

Dear Christian,

On the surface, it would appear that both your father and you are right, since both cars are assembled in America. And that’s exactly what everyday useless car-buying sites like Edmunds and Autobytel with their press junkets and their long-term test cars and their multi-million-dollar budgets would have you believe. All they care about is making money from dealer referrals, but I care about finding the right car for you. This is why the world needs ActualSigma.com! Only ActualSigma.com goes behind the press-kit data to research suppliers, interdepartmental engineering communication strategies, and technology transfer per ink-foot. Do you know how much work it is to figure this stuff out for you people? You don’t, do you? Of course you don’t, and that’s why I keep telling my wife that I have to stay up all hours of the night on the computer, because the research is never-ending. And yes, maybe some of it does involve going to web sites that some would consider “pornographic”, but how else can I find out what the Average Joe wants and needs out of his life? Clearly, I am not average. I don’t work a “regular job”. I don’t “hang out with my buddies”. I can’t relate to the “typical human being” with his (or her) “middle-class ambitions” and “social aspirations” and “friends”. This is what I have to do to put a roof over her head, and yet just because hotdutchmomswillingtoplease.com suddenly shows up on the credit card statement, she acts like the goddamned world is ending. I tell you, there’s no point in being a genius, because no one appreciates you. Just ask Hitler.

Sorry, did you ask me something about a Corolla?

Dear ActualSigma.com,

I am trying to decide between the Mercedes S63 AMG, BMW Alpina 7-series, and Audi RS7. I’ve read all the data points and analysis on your web site, but I still have a few questions. This is an important purchase for me, and I’m willing to spend the time and money to get it right. Are you available for private consulting?

Signed,
Redondo Beach Attorney

Dear Redundant,

Do you have any idea how much time I put in to ActualSigma.com to make sure that all the data you need to make the right decision is there at your fingertips? While you’re gallivanting around town trying to convince strippers to fellate you in the alley behind the Taco Bell, I’m busy crunching data so that you’ll know which car has the highest refractive spark plug resistance per windshield-wiper cycle and which cars atomize the most brake fluid per camshaft lobe-inch rotation. And you think you can just sweep in and pay me money to explain this shit when I’ve already put the data right in front of you? Jesus, no wonder you’re considering a Mercedes. As it happens, I know exactly which car you should buy, but I’m not going to tell you, not even if you empty your wallet at my feet and get down on your filthy, stinking knees and beg me. The data is there, the work is done, and if you can’t figure it out from what’s already on the web site, then perhaps you should just buy a Toyota Highlander, since that’s all you deserve.

Dear ActualSigma,

I have very large breasts, which makes it difficult to find a car that I can drive comfortably. A guy at work said your site helps people pick cars, is that true?

Thank you,
Tammy in Tacoma

Dear Tammy,

Yours sounds like a very special case, and I want to be sure you find the best vehicle for your needs. Why don’t you email me your mobile number so I can get more information? Is it okay to text you after 11 pm?

David Kaddish will answer more of your questions next month, provided his wife lets him out of the house.