Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dear Blob,This week I had the pleasure of watching the backs of celebrity heads, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel, cuddle and smooch, at The Hollywood Improv, awaiting my turn to potentially entertain the star-powered couple. Imagine my luck, I thought, performing this month for Gene Simmons and Justin Timberlake! Fantasies of singing my version of Ooops! for Britney's ex-boyfriend , waffled through my pancake-loving mind, as I awaited my performance-turn.... Perhaps The Ukulady would be asked to open for Justin's next world tour! Maybe he and Jessica would hire me to perform at their wedding.....Alas, my BFF-With-JT-dreams were dashed to the rocks of foiled-fantasies, when he and his entourage departed the Improv right before my set, which kind of sucked, as the Comedy Club audience aren't the cleverest of crowds; more interested in college-guy pot 'n' pussy-humor. It's an emotion-roller-coaster, Blob 'n' Readers, to show up for a show and be first, surprised by the attendance of a coveted US Weekly celebrity-couple and then 2nd, nervous to perform for the man who Brought Sexy Back and finally, disappointed to perform for a crowd of just plain people. Celebrities are more important than anyone and I know that if Jessica and Justin had seen The Ukulady, they would have totally asked me to be their best friend and comedy sidekick.Love The Ukuladyps: My first draft of this blob, I wrote Lick instead of Luckpps: I can't believe McCain has the gall to compare Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears! He's the one with the celebrity-whore-blogging daughter who is BFF with talentless non-celebrity celebrities, such as the sluts from The Hills, as reported by US Weekly.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Gene Simmons, Brangelina, Parasitic Twins & Camping!Dear Blob,I performed for Gene Simmons last week and am contractually forbidden to say anything on the subject. I auditioned to be an in UnNamed soon-to-be-aired reality television show, based on songwriting. Gene told me I am a natural performer and I am proud of him for not being dead. Once the show airs, I will post a full-disclosure blob on the subject.

In other news, I dreamt I was BFF with Brangelina and all their kids. In real life, I did go to Jane Fonda's acting summer camp with Angelina, in the '80's. She and I were never in the same bunk, and I recall her being extremely shy, so a tween friendship never materialized.

An early morning question queried by my manpanion:"If Siamese twins have sex, is it masturbation, or incest?" Wow. Probably both. Weird. I'm relieved I don't have a parasitic twin. I'm also relieved I wasn't born with two faces. Google that one, Blob! A baby in India was born with a rare condition, two faces. I don't recommend googling medical oddities and deformities, before bed.Love The Ukulady

ps: Manpanion and I went camping last weekend and a skeevy wannabe hippie was making the rounds, attempting to befriend other campers. Luckily, Manpanion wore his comedy Republican hat, discovered to be The Best Deterrent for skeevy wannabe hippies. The schmucky one-world-one-love-hippie saw Manpanion's "Proud to be a Republican" hat and pleasingly, steered clear of our campsite.pps: Do not go camping in the summer. Schmucks abound, with a enormous disrespect for other campers and the earth, as proven by a pristine emerald waterfall, fringed with moss, ferns, a cast-aside lavender g-string and a dirty diaper.