18 thoughts on “Why Moving Too Fast is a Red Flag”

I had been dating a guy where he only wanted to see me in the weekends only (Friday night till Monday morning, however I work a lot of weekends) our relationship was like this for 9 months. I struggled with this for awhile & realized it was not working for me only seeing him in the weekends and especially when my work shift fell on these days, he also worked every Saturday. So I said to him I wanted to see more of him. He was not happy and said I was pushing him, I said I wasn’t pushing him and that I had to consider my needs too and was there a compromise we could find . He said he would think about it.
My question is was I moving to fast?
I thought 9 months was not fast and I wanted us to build more on our relationship together. He suggested seeing me every 2nd week, 1 night through the week, I said yes to this but realized I was not happy and said to him I needed to see him 1 night through the week – every week. He tried to get out of it the following week but I said no and we saw each other. He has since ended our relationship a month later because I asked him where he thought our relationship was going and that I wanted us to be living together this following summer. He said he couldn’t give me what I wanted and that I wanted things to go quicker than him and that hes got used to living on his own. Hes 64. Has told me he loves me all this time and now ends us, I am confused. Was I going to fast? or did he have no intentions of us ever being together.

Mahalo Joe! This came at a perfect time. I just met a gentleman on OK Cupid. We had nice emails, a telephone conversation (a first for him with online dating) before meeting, and an hour and 1/2 coffee meeting last week. He emailed every day and we met again 4 days later for a light dinner that lasted 2 1/2 hours. He said if I was willing we could date exclusively. He had date ideas for the next few months. Lots of planned time together and I didn’t even know the gentleman. Flattered, yes & no, smile. Emailed me 3 times the next day. I did not know how to respond, having to have Process Time for myself, and Get Clear time. I wrote thank you for your time & I don’t see us as making each other happy long-term. My gut said this is Too Much Work Too Soon and he is way too available. Your Video gives me more help if this occurs again, it has given me Dialog I can share with the gent, in person, now that I have experienced this Too Fast phenomena again. Also the comments from others helped. Great Community!! Cheers! and many Thanks!

Hi Joe today’s topic is one I’m dealing with just now and have been since meeting a Man online 9 weeks ago. I think he is in love with the idea of being in love with me just like you stated in the video as he wanted to commit to me even before we met. I’ve tried to slow him down and advised him to see if I’m actually a good fit for him by getting to know me first. He has been so good to me, showing up consistently. showering me with gifts and wants to pay for driving lessons. I’m not materialistic and generosity is important but is really a bonus as I can’t be bought. As he works away I agreed to spend 4 days together this week and although I had a lovely time we were like an old married couple that vegged out watching TV & movies something I don’t usually do. I found myself being bored and struggled with the sex because of the lack of intellectual connection and so emotional & physical intimacy. I have uncomfortable gut feelings on this from the start and can where I went wrong in allowing this stranger to get too close too soon. I’ve had some serious mirror time that’s been uncomfortable too as it’s uncovered some shallow aspects of myself. I’m lucky as this person is not abusive and I know will wish me well if we part as I will him. I should be on top of the world but feeling confused, I know our time apart will help me assess and gain clarity on the situation and I welcome it, he on the other hand is like someone who has lost a limb. His generosity frightens me a bit I feel there is manipulation in it to secure me as a mate for life. The quality of my life has improved since meeting this Man and I know having this kind of care and attention long term is what I want in a relationship so I’m willing to give it a shot.
Thanks for all the great advice.

Thanks so much Joe, Your words of wisdom have come at a perfect time. Sometimes I doubt myself and start to wonder am I being too picky? I am a very fun loving woman and have several male friends ( one very special, but he wont commit ,so I am trying to move on.. and one of my male friends asked me why do I have a wall up and not let anyone in? I really gave that some thought and with your words of wisdom and reading Laurie’s post and love reading all of the posts as they really do help me. So thankyou to everyone!! Especially you Joe..!! I do know that I am on the right track and that its not a wall I am putting up, but its that i cannot give of myself as I know that particular person is not the right one for me. I am on the right journey and hope that one day I will be able to share that journey of life with someone else,

Thank you sooooo much for this post. You’ve been following me around, right? Seriously though, I just finished a “jumped in too fast” relationship. I’m 58, he’s 63. We liked to do many of the same things, and spent lots of time together, for about 7 weeks. I met his son after a month, we camped on an island after 6 weeks. At first spending almost every evening together was fun. After the 2 months, reality began to set in: I needed more “me” time. I felt like I had to justify the time I spemt away from him, and began to notice: his pessimism, clingy-ness, and how he often smelled like dirty dogs (he has 5!), his chronic lateness to our dates showed me he didn’t value my time as much as his own

Our last conversation was shortly after my week-long vacation, during which I gainedt some perspective (and tallied up the pros and cons). II tried to tell him that I could see him up to 3 times per week. He says “I thought you wanted a). long term relationship” and I told him that 3x/wk is what I could do (Iwhile thinking :” but not with you, now that your real personality is emerging.”) Then he told me I should learn to communicate better and I agreed.

I am relieved that I got out of that, especially based on what I now know about him and jumping in too soon.

Thanks for your advice. It help. Single life is very tough, so is married life if you don’t know the right answers when problems arise. I don’t seem to have that “chemistry” with men I meet. When it happens, they are usually much younger. I guess I have to learn to have “chemistry” with the white and grey-haired men, who have been married a long time and have been or are still looking like I am. It’s nice too get along well in conversation and I do like to take it real slow. Most men I meet, want to rush and I have to “say goodbye” to them Men must learn to “get very interested in their new date’s” personality, interests, family background, grown children, etc. first or they’ll be gone.

I’m in this situation right now and have to admit, albeit reluctantly, that my gut is sending me messages that I probably shouldn’t ignore. I’m no ‘spring chicken’ and have to keep reminding myself that even if “Mr. Right” should never come along, I’m still better off than with a string of “Mr. Wrongs”. Thanks so much for your level-headed advice.

Hey Joe,
I LOVE your videos! I have been watching them for several months, since my divorce and even though I’m in an exclusive, loving relationship (thanks to your advice and some helpful male friends), I still watch your videos from time to time.

Today I felt like reinforcing your advice by telling my own story. I met my Love on a dating site and when we started dating we didn’t kiss or even hold hands until we knew it was right. He was just as cautious as I was, and took the time to make sure that we were compatible before it got physical, and it was so worth it!

At first, we only saw each other about once or twice a week. But when we did get together, we took the time to get to know each other intellectually by spending many hours talking and most of our first dates were spent in a social setting, while interacting with other people. We have many common interests so we went to meet-up groups that focused and discussed those interests. We also went to museums, art festivals, and spent a lot of time together walking and hiking – all before we even held hands. So, when the first hand-holding and kiss did finally happen, it was magical.

Now it’s been months and we still have that magical connection. We are comfortable with each other and have developed a strong connection built on open communication and trust. And even though we feel like it couldn’t possibly get any better, we have no intention on rushing into marriage or cohabitation. Although we are confident that we will be able to handle life’s stressful moments together survive the storms, we need to actually experience some of those storms together before we make that final commitment.

The very first moment we laid eyes on each other, I the sparks flew. We talked for 4 hours on our first date and the connection was phenomenal. I was surprised to find myself wanting to push forward too quickly. Fortunately, I refused to allow myself to get caught up in my emotions because I knew it would hurt the relationship. It took a lot of self control, but I saw him as worthy enough to back off and let him pursue me. I made it a point not to call, email, or text him unless he called, emailed or texted me first. Also, in the beginning, I purposely saw him only once or twice a week at the most to give us both time. It may sound calculating but I know that men like the pursuit, so my gift to him to assume the feminine, passive role and give him the time and space to decide whether or not to pursue me. In return, he respected me enough not to pressure me into a physical or committed relationship too soon. He gave me time to evaluate him and decide whether or not he was worthy of my love. I’m convinced that is why we have such a strong connection now.

Concerning the email from Jessica. I to used to have a tendancy to move too fast in relationships. That was a issue I learned when I looked back on my relationships with men. I however don’t do that anymore. I totally agree that we should date more than one person at a time. I date at least two to three men at a time. When they aren’t meeting my needs it is goodbye. I move on. One thing that Jessica may want to think about is what I always remember. You once said you are only one away from the right one. How so true. I date different men and in the back of my mind, I have my list of Mr. Right and I always remember, I am only one away from the right one. If Jessica is having trouble dating more than one at a time, maybe she should remember that line and keep it with her on her dates. Good luck to her.

Hi Joe,
Thanks for the video, it help me learn a lesson. Met someone on match and he keeping rushing things. He was also talking when we would have sex and I keep talking about knowing him better and did tell him 90 days when that will happen. Long story short he keep pushing the issue and I finally had to end it. It open my eyes that if things get rushed, it would end up badly and you just confirmed I made the right choice. Thank you.