Single-Function Site What The Fuck Should I Make For Dinner? Has Some Recipe Suggestions for You

Lots of expletives on this single-function website What The Fuck Should I Make for Dinner?, which recommends recipes at random (usually from Epicurious) whenever you visit or hit reload. You can even click the “I Don’t Fucking Like That.” button and it’ll suggest something else. It’s like the Russian Roulette of cookbooks, but with a “skip” button.

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Rather than buy frozen crust, throw dough in the air singing Italian songs, or almost turn into a chick while going over the finer aspects of gluten free diets… be a Visionary, and make the entire pizza crust out of bacon.

Get a sheet of wax paper, and lay it down like fuck-towel on the counter

Line up 6 or 7 strips of bacon goodness parallel to each other on the wax paper (6 for fat strips, 7 for thinner strips)

Make a bacon strip weave by alternating the strips in and out across your first pass

If you used 6… complement with 6, 7… use 7. You just want to make it a nice square.

Whatever the count… it is important to have the tips of the bacon overlap fully with the cross strips for structural perfection.

Get a pan big enough to hold your bacon weave… it MUST HAVE SIDES to hold the bacon grease that comes off of it while cooking.

A pan that has some grooves to drain the bacon is better… but don’t use a broiler pan.

Broiler pans increase the cook time and increases the risk you’ll burn your weave due to the air gap between the catch pan and the grated top pan.

If you skip the part about picking the right pan… you will fucking light your house on fire with bacon grease drippings!

Take the wax paper with the weave and smack it onto the pan like you’re slapping a bitch.

Put it in the oven and bake for 30 minutes

If the top doesn’t “look done”… it’s OK… you want it a little fatty for the next cooking step.

After cooking, take out and let cool for a few minutes… drain the grease.

Get a plate with some paper towels to sop up the grease off of your cooked weave

Get two spatulas and scoop your weave up…carefully… flop it on the plate.

At this point you will see the crispy underside of the weave. Pause to marvel at its glory.

More paper towels on top.

Ok… cook’s note. You can let this sucker dry off and set for a while or move right to the next cooking phase. The best part about this bacon crust is that you can prepare them in advance. Simply take your crispy placard of awesomeness and tuck it into a one gallon zip lock bag and throw it in the fridge for later.

Pizza toppings.

Take the “fatty” side and put this face down on the pizza sheet. This is important because when the oven heats up the pan, some more of the bacon grease will melt off… creating a beautifully greasy layer between your creation and the pizza sheet… meaning your pizza won’t stick to the pan. Awesome.

Step 1. Use a quality pizza sauce. If you decide on Ragu or some other Dago knock-off… you will be sorry and will have to start over again because it will taste like dog vomit. Even bacon can’t cover that up.

Step 2. Load this bad boy up with mountains of fresh shredded cheese. Put so much creamy cheese on this pie that you might just think you’re a dairy cow making a bukkake film.

Step 3. Fresh cut peppers (the more kinds, the better), red, green, and white onions, don’t skimp or try to arrange like your some sort of decorator. Heap the shit on.

Step 4. Fresh sliced Genoa salami, more bacon, Canadian bacon, ground sirloin, steak, and any other four legged animal product.

Ok… another cook’s note. If you soil your bacon pizza with any of the following, you are a bitch:

Tofu, Chicken, Turkey Pepperoni, pineapple, anything else stupid.

Step 5. More cheese… be the dairy cow.

Throw it back in the oven (375) for about 10-12 minutes until the cheese is melted/brown, or until you’re jumping up and down with excitement like a sailor coming into Thailand on shore leave.

Take it out and let your pie cool for a few minutes or you will burn your mouth on the pizza and ruin your experience just before the bacon climax.

Ok… last cook’s note. Many people will make completely uninformed comments about the health of your heart. Be kind in your responses to them if you must, but otherwise… the prepared remarks should be kept handy to fend off an loser who questions the legitimacy of your bacon masterpiece.

Female Complainant: “Oh so you say. I blame your father for not putting the stem on the apple, otherwise you would know that statement is completely false. Bacon pizza rocks.”

Male Complainant: “Really, you must be confused. Maybe you’re suffering from some sort of iron deficiency delirium brought on by the tampon sucking all the blood from your snatch. Bacon pizza rocks.”