25 Rules For Selfies All Men Should Follow

Let’s face some facts here. In an increasingly narcissistic society, the selfie is the cherry on top of the sundae of our collective vanity. I mean, I’m not exactly breaking new ground in pointing out that taking a picture of yourself and sending it out to the world is the height of insecurity. I guess it would be one thing if you were just throwing it out there in a “who gives a fuck” kind of way, but that’s not what you’re doing. You want views, likes, comments, all that shit. “Tell me I matter!” “Validate my existence!” It’s pathetic.

All that being said, women can take as many selfies as they want. Men like looking at sexy pictures of attractive women — always have, always will. And yeah, we get some crap about objectifying the models, but with selfies, the model is in full control of the image. So the complaint about a male-run publication like Playboy or Maxim calling the shots and perpetuating the sexualization of women just doesn’t hold water. The models are doing it to themselves. I mean, seriously, if you don’t want that kind of attention, stop posting pictures of yourself in bikinis, flashing those “fuck me” eyes. It’s not rocket science, here.

Anyway, my point is that selfies are a bit feminine. But some of you guys are addicted; so if you absolutely must do it, here is a list of guidelines you should follow.

1. No naked selfies.

I’d like to reinforce the fact that these are rules for men. Women can do whatever they want. But dude… c’mon.

2. No gym selfies.

People can tell if you spend a lot of time in the gym. There’s no need to blab about it.

3. No more than one a week.

Really, that’s too many. If you have to Instagram or Snapchat or Whatever The Fuck, vary it up with some other stuff besides your stupid-looking face.

4. No car selfies.

You’re sitting in traffic and you’re bored. So you decide to share that with the world? What the fuck, dude?

5.No airplane selfies.

Why do you assholes think, anyone gives a shit about you sitting in a fucking chair?

6. No drunk selfies.

If you ignore all the other rules on this list, please adhere to this one. I know you’re having fun, but like most decisions you make when you’re drunk, this is a bad one.

7. You’re only allowed to take a selfie with a tiger if it’s attacking you.

How the hell did this become such a big trend? Those pics with heavily sedated jungle cats do not make you look like Hemmingway. They make you look like an asshole.

8. No shirtless selfies.

Look, if you’re at the beach with your girl, then feel free. But a shot of you brooding in the bathroom mirror just looks desperate.

9. No selfie poles.

Or whatever they’re called. You know what I’m talking about, and if you own one, I hope somebody beats you to death with it.