I’m on my way to a date with the Frenchman. We’re going to an awesome new place in town, Bodos Schloss (same brains behind it as Mahiki). We have an arrangement that I pick the venues, and he picks up the bill (well, I’m unemployed right now!). Whilst I’m on my way, I’m texting my man. And I feel guilty.

Since reading The Rules, I promised myself I would keep dating until my man tells me it’s official… and he hasn’t yet. But it just feels wrong, as I can’t imagine how I would feel if I knew he was going on dates. Should I keep dating? Or focus on my man, break the Rules, and risk getting hurt?

My man came to see me in London this weekend. And we had fun. And we even drew our faces in the sand (not that it looks like us!)!

He told me that he liked me… We were lying on the floor in my bedroom (I don’t have a bed in there yet). We were fully clothed and I was lying on top of him (it was innocent!). He said that he liked me “quite a lot actually”. It just came to him. He seemed surprised! And I had that Liesl feeling! and i had butterflies. And i wanted to say me too! But I said nothing. Because I was scared that saying something would make me too available. Go against the Rules. Make me less appealing. So I kissed him.

But HE likes ME! Enough to tell me. YIPPEEEEEEE!

… And here I am on a date. Feeling guilty. Because I feel like he gave me something. He shared his feelings with me, and I strongly believe you shouldn’t abuse people when they are brave enough to open up to their emotions. Or risk losing someone because you’re trying to keep your guard up.

Should I tell him I’m dating other people? What good would that do? Provoke him into telling me we should make it official? Or push him away and make him think its acceptable to date (or sleep with) other girls? And surely by placing my guilt onto him, I’d just guilt-tripping him?

Or am I dating other people because I haven’t fallen for him hard enough?

Another day. Another complication. I wish these things were easy.

Either way, I’m hungry and I’m late. So my guilty mind will have to wait.

Being at the start of a new relationship (and I mean relationship in a very loose sense of the word, as obviously there has been no talk of commitment yet), I am rather aware of ‘the game’. He lives 2 hours away from me, so I have to depend on my phone to keep in touch with him. But do I get in touch with him? Or do I wait for him to get in touch with me? Should I call him, or is that too keen?

We have grown up being told that we should play hard to get to capture a man’s attention. Men like challenges, so we should be aloof. But I like challenges too. And if we both play it cool, then neither of us will get in touch. And don’t men like confident girls? And if I want to speak to someone, shouldn’t I just be able to do it without worrying if he’ll still like me because I initiated contact? Do I really want to be with someone anyway if I can’t act myself?

And then we get down to the actual text messaging. Do I reply if he doesn’t ask questions? How can I be funny on a text message? Will he pick up on my sarcastic tone or think I’m being serious? Has he not put kisses on the end because he doesn’t like me, or simply because he doesn’t put kisses on texts?

Something very simple has suddenly become something very complicated. And what is acceptable?

I have lots of girlfriends who treat men badly. Like shit actually. And the result is that they have men falling at their feet. Literally. But does a woman have to be a bitch in order for a guy to like her? I know these girls, and I know that deep down they like the guy, but they aren’t comfortable with showing their emotions, and isn’t that because of pride and the fear of getting hurt?
And what about these obsessed men? Do they truly like the girl for who she is? Or do they just like her because they can’t have her? And isn’t all of this a huge effort to be with someone? Because surely you should be with someone that likes you for who you are, someone who makes you feel comfortable for being you, and who makes your life that little bit more exciting. Or is that just my romantically charged mind idealising relationships?

And I’m really not very good at playing games. Because if someone does something that annoys me, I react. And if someone arranges to meet me and doesn’t, I react. And if I text someone and they don’t reply, I react (in a jokey way and I wait at least a day, I’m not that crazy). And that’s how I treat my friends, so why should a man be any different? However, by reacting, I probably have given the impression that I’m crazy. But why should I tolerate someone treating me badly or making me feel inadequate? Because I want someone to appreciate me, and to realise what they have, and I shouldn’t have to compromise… Or should I? Because thinking about it, I HAVE scared a few guys away, or I’ve lost patience with them and ended it even though I still liked them.

And because I like my new man, and because I want him to like me, I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘the game’ and how I should play things. And I’ve been wondering whether I should wait for him to text me (we’ve all seen the film He’s just not that into you, and if he likes you he will get in touch, right?), or do I just text him (he’s probably trying to play it cool too, and we live in different cities so I don’t want things to fizzle out just because we were both trying to play it cool). And so far, I’m going with the just do what you feel frame of mind. It was ME to suggest he came from the airport to mine, ME to send the message to clear the air after the whole TV presenter fiasco, and ME to invite myself to the seaside. But i don’t mind driving it, because I’m confident, and I can tell that HE likes me. Or does he? Am I just making it too easy? Maybe I should start to reverse the power now.

So I’ve bought a book (I was directed towards the Self-Help section in Waterstones – how demoralising!). It’s called the Complete Book of Rules. Apparently is tells you time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right. And what’s more, it’s a multi-million copy bestseller, so apparently I’m not the only girl on the planet to be questioning this.
But why should we have to use games to impress Mr Right? Surely playing games and not being ourselves means we capture the heart of Mr Not-Right?
But I’m going to read it. And I’m going to try it. And you can be certain that I’ll share my discoveries and report my experiences with you, dear readers.

For those of you not familiar with cockney (people from London) rhyming slang, ‘telling porkies’ means telling lies. And my dearest readers, this is an apology to you, because I have lied to you. It’s something I would like to call a white lie, but it’s a lie nontheless.

What did I lie to you about? I hear you ask. All will be revealed, I promise. How could I lie to you? I know, I know. I am new to the whole blogging-about-my-private-emotions thing, and I felt guarded, but going forward I solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God.
In my last post, ‘Hello! is it me you’re looking for?’, I wrote about some of the men that have been in my life since breaking up with Jules. I wrote about their V’s, their N’s and the reasons our romance came to an end. Well… it has not exactly ended with the man I named the extremely personal Number 4. Why did I say it had? Well that gets me onto a discussion surrounding the complication and confusion of new relationships. To do that, and to make it up to you for my dishonesty, I suppose I must tell you the story of this man, and how he made it into my life. As I have previously mentioned, I do respect his privacy, but I do need to give him a name so that he becomes a slightly more personal character than just 4. So I name him my man. Obviously, he is not literally MINE (and maybe he never will be), but he’s the only one I’m interested in right now…

So let me tell you the story of my man and I so far…

We met about one month ago whilst on a yachting holiday in the Adriatic sea. Josh was with a big group of his friends, and I with a big group of mine. I was attracted to him from the moment I laid eyes on him, and luckily for me, the feeling was mutual. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on a yacht, but there is not much privacy. On top of that, I’m a classy girl, and I did not want to give him the satisfaction of being his holiday romance. This meant that during our week’s holiday, we developed a rather lovely emotional relationship. It also felt a bit like a teen romance, because there were no mobile phones and we had no mutual friends, so were excited to bump into each other and slightly nervous to be around each other. And, wow, did we kiss like teenagers! We kissed because there was a crazy attraction, and because, well… that’s all I would allow, despite his many attempts on yachts, pavements, deck chairs (ok, so it may have happened once on the deck chair!) , club car parks, et cetera et cetera. But my rule was clear, I was not the type of girl he could mess around on holiday (and he was kissing other girls, and I knew because he told me as he didn’t want to betray me, which I suppose you have to respect). By the end of the holiday, I couldn’t wait to spend time alone with him, so I did something incredibly bold and invited him straight back to mine from the airport.

I landed the day before, and well, it seemed a logical thing to do given that we developed a nice bond and he was flying back into London. And it was fun. And intense. But fun. And he told me that he was ‘into me’, and I told him that ‘I liked him’, and he came back to London a few days later, and then a few days later. And he took me on our first date (it’s a weird order I agree): we went to the theatre in London, and then for Mexican Street Food, and I thought things were great. Intense, but great.

And then it happened. The moment that the fantasy and the unsustainable intensity came crashing to reality. I got into my bed after the date … and I lay on his shoulder… and looked up… and he was … texting a relatively famous TV Presenter. I didn’t even mean to look. I just looked up and I saw the name. And, oh God. Why is he texting her? He already told me he kissed her before we met, and said he was flattered she paid him attention, but he made it out like that was it. She took someone else home that night (she must be a slut!). Why did he tell me a half truth? Why oh why oh why oh why is he texting another girl. Sure, guys had asked me on dates. But I liked my man and I wanted to see how things went without any risk of ruining the present.
So I got angry and I did was any other irrational girl would do and… let my rage fester and not say anything. And have him pester me to tell him what’s wrong. And fester. And pester. And fester. And pester… and WHY ARE YOU TEXTING A GIRL IN MY BED! Ok, there we go. Playing it cool.

One thing I would recommend, is not allowing yourself to have ‘the chat’ with someone when you are not sure the outcome you want yourself. Because then you end up in a conversation like this: “I like you but I don’t know how much… I don’t know what I want from you, I don’t care… but I do care… oh this is really intense, we don’t even live in the same city…” I’ll let you put it all together.

So he went home, confused at what he had done wrong, because it was just ‘innocent flirting’ (again, too much information but I love his honesty). Confused at what he wanted from me. Worried that things were too intense, and worried that we had told each other too much. And I was left at home and I felt… well, what did I feel? Hurt. Hurt because I liked him, surely… or because, as I have told you I am proud, and he should respect me, and like me, and not want to message other girls. Why does he not like me? Why are all guys cheating a**holes like Jules? Why am I comparing him to Jules? We aren’t even officially together, I don’t even know how much I like him… But I want him to like me. Oh no, what if he doesn’t like me anymore because he thinks I am a crazy jealous person. Am I a crazy jealous person?

And that is exactly what ran through my mind over the following days, and that’s exactly what I felt. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Worried about what he thought of me. Worried that he didn’t like me anymore.

And then I met the psychic, Katie Winterbourne (see my earlier post), and I got my pre-Jules-days confidence back. And through this confidence my attitude and anxiety shifted. I stopped thinking about the ‘What if he doesn’t like me?’, and ‘what if he thinks I am too…’, and I thought what do I think, and what do I want, and how does he fit into that? And that is an empowering feeling. And I realised there is really no need for the anxiety, no need to worry about ‘what if’, and no justified reason to be angry, so I swallowed my pride. And I messaged him. And I was just honest. Honest about liking him. Honest about feeling hurt and WHY I felt hurt. And honest about feeling it was too intense. And I realised that the beginning of relationships are always confusing, and awkward, and uncertain. But that should be part of the excitement and not the reason for anxiety. And I am the one in the driving seat. I act because I feel, I will no longer act because of how he might feel if I don’t. I am myself. And if he doesn’t like it, then it is his loss. And this feeling is really empowering, because men will no longer be able to project their own vision of me onto me, and I will no longer bend and stretch myself because I am concerned about them liking me. And I think (hope) men will like that confidence.

So I decided that it’s ok if it doesn’t work out. And it’s ok to try it, because it doesn’t have to be about pride. Pride is just a barrier for fear. Fear that someone might betray me like Jules did. But pride might prevent me from moving forward. Is my man a bad guy for messaging other girls? Well maybe for doing it from my bed, but maybe that proves the innocence of it all. And I suppose he really didn’t do anything wrong because we aren’t in a relationship, and by messaging girls it doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect me. He respects me because he is honest with me when I need him to be, and that is enough. And that is already more than Jules offered.

Today I text him, and I said I wanted to get out of London (well I’m not going to be too keen and tell him it’s cause I want to see him ;-) ). And in 7 hours I will be on a train to spend my Sunday with him by the seaside (I really need my beauty sleep).

So, yes, I did lie to you. But I also lied to myself. Because it’s easier to walk away, than to risk getting hurt. But if you don’t take a risk, then you will never know. So until tomorrow night, dear readers, I already can’t wait to tell you about it. Let the adventure begin! :-)

I suppose I should have established that I am not a crazy person before I dropped that into post number 3 of my blog. But I am not ashamed of it because it’s the best money I’ve spent in my life.

How does this fit into being aloveinlondon? Well I didn’t expect it to, until the first ‘energy’ she picked up was relationships, particular the “disappointing” role a particular one has played in my life.

I suppose this is the opportune time to bring up the dreaded story of my ex-boyfriend. I won’t give him a secret name, because he doesn’t really deserve one. I am also optimistic that this will be the last post I have to write about him (famous last words). So let me tell you, very briefly about the story of Jules…
Boy sees girl. Boys likes girl. Boy facebooks girl (oh come on, it’s the 21st century right?). Girl ignores boy. Girl’s boss bigs up boy. Girl not interested. Boy starts calling girl (thanks boss). Boy texts girl. Boy gives final facebook plea to girl. Girl takes pity on boy and meets boy for a drink. Girl falls for boy (there were many wonderful dates in between, it’s not that easy). Girl feels wonderful and stable with boy who adores her. Girls tells boy he’s amazing. Boy tells girl… He’s not over his ex girlfriend. CRASH BOOM POW! There we have it, the first emotional explosion that shattered what was really quite a lovely love story.

If only that was the end of it. That would be enough for most people. This is where the romantic ideallists differ from your regular girls. So certain was I that Jules was right for me. So shocked was I that this man who whisked me off my feet was having doubts (how dare he), that I decided to wait by his side. In fact, I encouraged him to face his ex girlfriend (an actress from New York) and next thing he was off on a plane to New York to see for himself that perfect Kate (real name) was nothing but nostalgia. In the mean time I sit and listen to Mumford & Sons’ album Sigh No More, and Ellie Goulding‘s album Lights – two albums that sum up my feelings at the time more perfectly than any words will ever be able to (and both still my favourite albums, but I digress!).

And sure enough *cue Halleluja music*, a few horrible months later, and we are reunited, and he thanks me for my understanding, and is assured that what we have really is greater than he ever had with Kate. … FINALLY ♥ ! … and then two weeks later he was cheating on me with a supermodel whilst in South Africa. Crash! Boom! Pow! … and you only find out months later after tortuing yourself as he’s closed off to you, and so you do the crazy phone detective thing that no girl ever likes to admit to doing, or want to do, and you discover he’s texting said supermodel and arranging to fly her to London and then to Paris for the weekend. POW!
It wasn’t so much the story of infidelity that shattered my confidence. It wasn’t even the year and a half this pitiful (one-sided) love story dragged on for that drained me. It was all the words, and all the put downs, whilst he tried to find out who and what he wanted, that left me feeling completely and utterly deflated. Being told by the man who you perceive to be the love of your life that you (and I quote) just don’t stimulate him enough intellectually. Being told that you are better than… well actually everything that makes up your life. Which in reality means that your job, your friends, your hobbies, actually everything about YOU is just not good enough.

How does that make you feel? It makes you feel, no, it makes you BELIEVE, that YOU are just not good enough. And how do you pick yourself up from that?

Well according to the psychic (she’s called Katie Winterbourne and is absolutely divine, I would recommend her to any of you based in London), you are left not really knowing who are you. You are left “introducing yourself without knowing you are introducting the person to”. You are left sad and angry. But let’s not forget that I am very PROUD. So this is all kept very very low beneath the surface, and on the outside I am vibrant, and on it, and energetic! And well, that’s exhausting. And you can’t expect someone to know you when you can’t even show them who YOU are. So they project an image of you onto you, that either you don’t want to be, or you just aren’t. And you EXPLODE! And, in 50 beautiful minutes, Katie Winterbourne allowed me to say goodbye to the anxiety, and the heartache, and the self-indulgence of Jules.

And that’s HUGE!

It huge for me, dear readers, which means it’s huge for you too. Because finally I have let go. And that means that life is about to start. And according to the lovely and magical Katie Winterbourne, it WILL end with me falling in love. And it will involve a ski resort (I don’t ski!). And that means, that aloveinlondon has just become a very, very exciting adventure… and it’s still only Day 1! :-)