Monday, October 20, 2008

For those of you with broken common sense filters, that means: "Do not actually do any of these things."

Schedule a fake phone interview with a coworker. Make them an offer on the spot for a ridiculous amount. Wait until they hand in their resignation to let them in on the joke.

Put Vivarin in the decaf.

Sneak into your boss's office. Using your best impersonation of his voice, change his voice mail message to "What a coincidence, I was just reading over your performance evaluation. Clean out your desk, you're fired."

Lure a flock of pigeons into the elevator with bird seed. Take the stairs.

Cover the top of the inside of the microwave with a layer of shortening, thin enough that it will cling without dripping until the microwave is turned on and it melts.

The next time you have to go to a relative's funeral, call a coworker who doesn't like you and ask them to cover for you because you are playing hooky today. When your supervisor confronts you about it, produce the program from the funeral and break down sobbing.

Put a pair of gold fish in the water cooler. Call PETA.

Start an office football pool. Have all the participants make out their checks to a coworker who does not gamble and can be trusted as an impartial custodian of the money. Give copies of these checks to the police as evidence of illegal gambling activities.

Find out where your coworkers take their smoke breaks. Install a smoke alarm; an extra-loud one, if possible.

Steal all the Earth-friendly, energy-efficient CFC bulbs from your office and replace them the old-fashioned, electricity-sucking kind. Install the CFC bulbs in your home. Or just toss them.

For your next coworker's birthday, offer to buy the card. Pick one with a clean white interior, have your manager sign it first and scan the signature. Write demerits "signed" by your manager to your coworkers every time they bother you.

Call in dead.

Every time you see a free publication, subscribe one of your coworkers at your work address. Make a point to hang around the mail room and complain about how much personal mail your coworker receives.

Make a note of all your coworkers who have nice cars. Go to a junkyard and collect as many corresponding hood ornaments as you can. Walk around the office with these hood ornaments sheepishly asking people "Did you used to have a Porsche?"

Schedule a D.A.R.E. officer to come to your next department meeting.

Report one of your coworkers to the FBI, INS, FDA, or any other government agency you can get on the phone. When the federal agents arrive to investigate, kidnap them and hide them away some place safe. When the agents are reported missing the feds will assume your coworker did it.

Replace the deodorizer in the bathroom with an air horn.

Sit down with a group of coworkers for lunch, preferably with members of both sexes. Look around at each of them in surprise and say "That's funny; I've slept with almost everyone at this table." Then calmly eat your lunch.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The objective of this game is to cross the parking lot without dying ("Losing").

There are two teams, consisting of people on foot ("Pedestrians") and people in motor vehicles ("Drivers"). A player may switch teams at any time by either entering or exiting a vehicle ("Changing Teams").

If you are new to (or simply bad at) the game, you may find the following strategies helpful:

It is highly recommended that you only Change Teams with a parked vehicle in a designated parking spot. Failure to do so increases the likelihood of Losing.

You should only Change Teams in a vehicle that you own, otherwise the Officials may intervene.

Some Pedestrians will be carrying equipment such as shopping carts, grocery bags or IKEA furniture. These items are not required to play the Parking Lot Game, so Pedestrians should feel free to abandon them when faced with the possibility of Losing.

Most night games will already be properly lit, but Drivers are still advised to turn on their headlights and Pedestrians are still advised to avoid all-black uniforms.

If you are playing as a Pedestrian, do not attempt to surprise Drivers by suddenly changing directions or jumping out from behind a parked vehicle. Unlike most other sports, confusing the opposing team is not in your best interest here.

If you are playing as a Driver, you do not have wait for a Pedestrian to Change Teams before Changing Teams yourself. Slowly following a Pedestrian around in your car will likely only irritate your fellow Drivers.

Taking your keys out of your pocket is universally regarded as a signal that you are considering Changing Teams. A crafty Pedestrian may consider taking out their keys even if they are far away from their car (or have no intention of Changing Teams at all) in order to teach rookie Drivers a lesson (see #6 above).

Like most action sports, wearing helmets, knee pads and gloves may make people think that you aren’t cool, but they are still probably a good idea.

In the event that someone does Lose, keep an eye out for the Officials: players struck by Officials can still Lose.

Small children make lousy teammates. Sometimes it seems as if they want to Lose.

Other sports should not be held on a field currently hosting a round of the Parking Lot Game (see #10 above).

If you are a Pedestrian, do not walk down the center of a lane. Lanes are for cars, not people. You're not a car, are you? If you suspect that you might be a car, try ingesting several gallons of gasoline and see what happens. IMPORTANT SAFETY DISCLAIMER: Be sure to use unleaded fuel only.

Pedestrians with pets take note: your pets are not allowed to play. But that doesn't mean that they can't still Lose.

Handicapped spaces are for handicapped Drivers and Pedestrians only. Attempting to Change Teams in a handicapped space when you are not handicapped may result in the Officials arriving and forcing you to Change Teams for a very long time.

Some Drivers have no intention of ever Changing Teams (for example, delivery-truck Drivers) and are merely there to make the game less enjoyable for everyone.

As with most sports, playing the Parking Lot Game while intoxicated makes you more likely to Lose.

Sidewalks and curbs are for Pedestrians only, but that won’t stop truly determined Drivers from pursuing you out of bounds.

When looking for a field to play on, keep an eye out for any of these conditions: rain, cars parked across two or more spaces, drunken Pedestrians who appear to be considering Changing Teams, and Drivers engaged in what are typically considered Pedestrian activities (i.e., reading, grooming, talking on a cell phone). The more of these signs you spot, the higher your chances of Losing if you choose to play on this field.

Drivers looking to Change Teams should be advised that driving slower will not cause a parking space to magically appear