HAPPY FUN BRAIN SCREAMING TIME: A Buffalo Bills Season Preview!

Holy shit, you guys, I can’t remember going into a Bills regular season so stoked about their chances to Make Some Noise since… well, certainly since the expiration date on my collectable box of Flutie Flakes!

Yes, it’s been a long playoff drought. The Drought can now legally drive and get into R-Rated movies without an adult. The Drought thinks it might take a gap year before starting at UB, travel a bit, see how droughts in major professional sports leagues in Europe live. Did you guys know they have something called “relegation” there? Totally weird, right?

And yes, this has been a year of transition, after firing a coach and his brother, nearly cutting the starting quarterback, pulling some Unorthodox Draft Moves, firing the guy who pulled the Unorthodox Draft Moves a week later, proceeding to Howie Roseman a whole lot of the fired guy’s top draft picks, signing a respected veteran receiver, having that veteran receiver retire a week later, and proceeding to get everyone else on the roster Beat to Shit before a single football is thrown in anger.

It’s just a little dirty! It’s still good! It’s still good!

But that’s cool. It’s all cool. This plucky group of upstarts just might have what it takes to finally end their wandering in the Playoff Desert. It’s gonna happen.

For example, we finally have a REAL LEADER in Sean McDermott, our new head coach . And I do mean HEAD coach.

It’s really heartening to see a man stricken with severe nerve tonic addiction make it to the highest level of his profession. INSPIRATIONAL!

AND THE QUARTERBACKS! I spent my first month when I moved to St. Louis hearing about how the Rams were SO VERY VERY SCREWED because Trent Green went down in a preseason game and all they had was some shitty no-named Arena League grocery clerk to back him up. And do you know who that grocery clerk was? Kurt. Warner. Yep, true story. Swear to God.

Well, I get a similar feeling when I see this group of quarterbacks. Tyrod Taylor has been underrated, throwing 37 touchdowns against 12 interceptions (and adding 10 rushing touchdowns) over the last two years, despite his offensive line actively trying to get him killed and our former GM holding him out of the last game of the year so we wouldn’t have to guarantee his salary if he got injured. Taylor was also picked in the 6th round of the draft, just like that other AFC East quarterback. Coincidence? I doubt it. Now, if he can just get out of that pesky concussion protocol…

And Young Nathan Peterman, unheralded gritster rookie out of Pitt! Look at this guy:

THAT IS THE FACE OF LEADERSHIP! That’s the kind of funny-looking dude for whom other guys will run through electrified razor-wire that is also on fire. Plus, he has 9 7/8″ hands- bigger than Flacco, bigger than Matt Ryan, same size as Cam Newton and Big Ben. Guaranteed success.

It’s just a little slimy! It’s still good! It’s still good!

Everything else is just peachy too. Yes, they traded away their best talent in Sammy Watkins, who cost them two first-rounders. But that’s OK! He was injured all the time and they got a second rounder AND EJ Gaines for him. EJ Gaines, who has missed approximately half the games in his career due to injury.

And they traded away likely starting cornerback Ronald Darby to Philadelphia. But they got a third-round pick AND Jordan Matthews for him. Jordan Matthews, who always works from the slot and chipped his sternum in his first practice.

And they traded away Reggie Ragland, a second-round pick from last year who didn’t play a down for them. But they got a fourth-round pick from Kansas City AND…uh…nothing. But since he was on the bubble to be cut period, it’s like a bonus mid-rounder!

And they signed squint-hard-and-he-could-be-a-Hall-of-Famer receiver Anquan Boldin! And then he retired a week later so he could go off and fight injustice or something. Unless he’s donning spandex and beating up street hoodlums, who needs him!?? Probably would have been one of those kneel-down-for-the-anthem distractions, and we can’t have that! Rookie Zay Jones can totally handle the role.

Everything else is falling into place. Teflon Shady hasn’t gotten into any bar fights with cops this offseason. Our starting left tackle (and best player) Cordy Glenn might or might not be ready to play Week 1, but he’ll totally be ready to play. His backup is suspended (again) but that’s cool, no problem. CBS has a depth chart for the secondary that has a giant blank space across from rookie cornerback Tre’davious White, but that’s in no way a comment on EJ Gaines’ inability to secure the spot from mighty challengers Shareece Wright and Kevon Seymour.

Probably the farthest we’ll see any Buffalo-related pigskin fly this season…

Yep. It’s all good. Good time to be a Bills fan. They’re going to compete this year! They’ve got a puncher’s chance! Parity! Any given Sunday! Next man up! Losers are just winners who haven’t beaten anyone yet! This isn’t your daddy’s football! Can’t make an omelette without killing a few people! Trust the Process! TRUST THE PROCCCCCEEEEEESSSS!

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