Nov. 14th, 2006

06:37 am - Muscular Girl FAQ

I’m not the ranting type and I doubt I have half enough rage to make this a good one. But, I’ve still got to get it out of my system.

Okay, here’s the deal: I lift weights. Some people collect stamps, some people play soccer, I lift weights. And, I’ve got a muscular physique as a result. I’m not huge, probably because I'm just not designed to get body-builder big. Here are the answers to the FAQs so you won’t have to wonder about the rest:

1) Yes, I was born a female. Did you just win $5 from a friend who bet you that you weren’t enough of a jerk to ask me that?

2) No, I’m not on steroids. I lift weights and eat right. Look, do a few hours of Madden 2004 and a few bonghits get you a few steps closer to the Madden Bowl? Of course it does. Likewise, what I did with my two hours has made my delts show. By the way, nothing wrong with a nice BH of something decent. I'm into lifting, not nunnery.

3) Yes, I do want attention. Are you kidding? Who doesn’t? But, I’m not some desperate self-esteem case that wants the approval that daddy never gave me. But, just like the girl with the c-cup rack, I like to show off my best assets. Thing is, my best assets are my shoulders and arms and that’s why I have 5 different colors of the same tank top. Yes, I know it’s 48 degrees out tonight but I’m still not wearing a jacket and neither are the other girls waiting in line.

4) No, I will not flex for you. For god’s sake, why would you ask that? Didn’t you realize that you said that loud enough for everyone at the party/in the train/in the next booth over to hear that? Don’t embarrass me. Back to the girl with the c-cup, did you shout for her to flash a bare nipple at you? So, why would you ask me to “flex” for you? Look, I have a decent face, and hard-earned muscle definition. I’m glad you noticed. I’m proud of it and I’m happy to talk your ear off about lifting and creatine and metabolic optimizers if you want. But, just don’t make me feel self-conscious about it. Flatter me and give me just a smidge of an opportunity to show some false humility about it.

5) No, I’m not into girls. Please. Sure, if Jessica Biel wanted me to get boozy with her and then asked me if I ever “feel confused” I’m sure I’d consider a little exploring and spelunking. But, otherwise, guys only.

6) No, I will not “have your back” if you decide to give the evil eye to the chick who took your boyfriend/took your spot at the bar/spilled Corona on your shoe/left pee on the toilet seat just before you went in. I’ve never been in a fight and I don’t even do tae-bo. I know, the guns made you think otherwise. But my combat style would consist of running away and flailing my arms and I’d probably add a urine puddle just for good measure. By the way, don’t point a “that’s my bodyguard” thumb my way across the room and think I didn’t notice. I don’t care if you get your ass kicked, just don’t make me run tonight, I already worked out today.

7) No, I don’t date bodybuilders only. First of all, professional bodybuilders don’t workout at Seattle Fitness. Okay, maybe Golds. I’m not sure where they go but they do it as a full-time job and don’t have much of a life outside liver tablets, distilled water and sleeping 10 hours per day. Will I date a guy who is 50 pounds overweight and a smoker? I dunno. Do I like guys with muscles? Heck yes. Doesn’t your girlfriend? So, don’t ignore me just ‘cause you think I’ll beat you in armwrestling.

8) Yes, I did sweat some of my boobs away but I’m at a B even on a good day. Just remember that boobs are fat and I’ve tried to get rid of most of my fat so that you’ll think I have nice quads.

9) Yes, I attempted to compete in a few bodybuilding competitions and I didn’t even place. I know I look buff when it’s my turn to break at Belltown, but it takes 12 hours per day of commitment to win those things and I have a full-time job that pays better than the gamble of trying to be a full-time bodybuilder.

10) No, for the love of god, do not strip down to your wife-beater at the party and show me your biceps. Not only will I not return the pose, I’ll probably bolt because now you’ve made a scene and made me paranoid that the nice looks I was getting are actually unfriendly check-out-the-freak stares.

11) No, I have not considered professional wrestling. First of all, please see question 6. Second, I’m 5’5,” so even with 3” of heels I don’t make the cut for modeling, wrestling or probably even walking the round number card at a Toughman Contest.

12) No, I’m not protesting too much by going on about my muscles, my guns, etc. Look, just like any girl or guy who likes their body, I don’t mind getting nice attention for mine. I work hard at it and I think I look good. The big boobed girl wants you to look at her chest, the guy with the washboards wants you to “force” him to take off his shirt and I enjoy your admiring glances at my guns. Maybe I’ll cut back on the lifting someday or maybe even squeeze out a few kids and grow an ass. But for now, I’m that chick with the muscles. Please be a cool guy about it.

13) Yes, I saw the episode of Entourage, I don't think she was all that built and I didn’t know who Evander Holyfield was until I saw that episode.

14) No, I don’t like to “take control” in bed, I don’t like it rough and I don’t think it’s physically possible to fuck someone to death. By the way, I heard you say that to you buddies after I walked in. Keep your stupid voice down and get some manners.

15) Did you just touch my arm? Dude, what the hell? You just walk up to random people and squeeze their arm? Did you think that if you grabbed my upper arm as I walked by, I’m going to stop and a spotlight will light me up as I strip into a posing bikini and do a front double-bicep for you? If we’re dating, dancing, having sex, or saving me from a burning building, feel free to touch my biceps all you want. Otherwise, you’re just gropy and I’ll do everything I can to act startled and accidentally spill my drink on you.

16) No, I have not considered being a stunt-woman. Extrapolate from Question 6.

17) Sure, I will come over for a photo session with you. Simply show me your business card that identifies you as a professional photographer with a website that lists the various fitness magazines or commercial products who purchase your photo work. Oh, you usually do artistic photos? Oh, that’s okay, again, just hand me your professionally produced business card that directs me to your website that shows your years of photo work and dedication to the arts. Oh, you just do photography as a hobby? Sure thing, just give me the address and time of night you’d like me to come to your apartment. Should I come alone wearing my bikini and an overcoat? How long should I stay? Do I have to blow you or can I just use my hands?

18) Absolutely, I’ve seen the websites with muscular girls oil wrestling and I’m totally going to sign up for one of those. Yep, you’re right, maybe they’ll pay me even more than $1,000 to have some 40 year old anger-management dropout put her ass in my face. I mean geez, I’m sure my parents, friends, family, present and future employers have never heard of video downloads circulating on the internet so I’m totally into it.

19) Yes, I think I could probably lift you up, and possibly lift you over my head. I get this question from time to time. Where in god’s name did that fantasy come from?

20) Yes, you can ask me how or why I got into lifting. I enjoy talking about it. But, you cannot shout across the room all of your jerk theories about why I lift such as the fact that I’m a tranny/I’m a lesbo/I need a man/I need a woman/I hate men/I hate women/ I grew up angry/I have too much time on my hands so why don’t I iron your clothes and mow the lawn.

21) No, I’m not a specialty fetish prostitute. But, I read the Stripper Rant in the Best Of section, so if you actually show me the $10,000 and you’re not hideous I promise I will actually consider it… for a non-refundable deposit.

i want to see exactly how big this chick really is. i think that the fact that she went out of her way to write this proves exactly how desperate for attention she is, regardless of what she says. if she was truly secure, she wouldn't care if people wanted her to flex. i work out and if someone wants to see my abs, i'll show them!

i am mostly vegetarian except for chicken and i just shrug and say "i dunno, i just don't like meat" and people tend to leave me alone. i've never felt it necessary to write a FAQ about my opinions on beef... *shudder*

well, being vegeterian is kind of a dumb american thing that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. there are several important nutrients only found in animal products and a lot of vegans do look to be moments from dying if you ask me. as someone who suffers from a severe vitamin b12 defiency at no fault of my own, it's really hard to comprehend why someone would intentionally destroy their own health in the name of... eating healthy. lacto-ovo-vegetarians don't bother me nearly as much as vegans, but i can see how people from other cultures would find us odd. i really just don't like beef or pork!

i didn't say that vegetarianism is exclusively american. what i'm saying is, those who do it here tend to be doing it for ignorant reasons and are generally doing it wrong and unhealthy and just living on macaroni & cheese. i take no issue with those who do it for cultural reasons. i have a friend who is pregnant and vegan and severely underweight. she has been told by every doctor and nutritionist since the beginning that she's being stupid and that maybe the baby will get what it needs but after the pregnancy she is going to be very sick. why the hell would you do that to yourself? because you don't have the stomach to kill a pig? (by the way, i study serial killers and look at crime scenes for fun. you really can't freak me out by graphic descriptions of killing animals.)

you're also talking down to the wrong person if you think your cute little jimmy dean comment is at all relevant. i am very much into holistic nutrition and i know what i'm talking about. i eat very healthy and educate everyone i know on general nutrition.

i'm not bent out of shape and if you were paying attention at all you would have noticed i don't capitalize anything. it's a matter of style, not a mistake.