Neverland native Peter Pan has been taken into custody today following several allegations of pedophilia. While the public largely think of him as the boy who never ages, courts are likely to view Pan as an elderly man. Given Australian criminal law does not account for any condition of everlasting youth, the time since his birth would be the only metric deemed relevant. “He might not look it, but he’s at least 100 years old,” argued prosecutor Alfred Newcombe, “the state will attest that Peter Pan used his power of flight and childish appearance to groom Wendy for subsequent sexual encounters.”

The alleged pedophilic acts mostly involve 12-year-old girl Wendy, but there is also a cloud around what exactly Pan’s relationship was with Tinkerbell. The source of the criminal complaint, however, was not a victim but rather Pan’s nemesis Captain Hook. “It just didn’t seem appropriate,” the pirate explained, “I mean I’ve known this guy for decades, there’s only so many young girls I can watch him bring around before I have to do something.”

Hook claimed that this criminal issue was the main reason for his hatred of the fake youngster, and he had no clue why he was so consistently the one who was vilified. “How am I the bad guy here?” asked the astounded buccaneer, “it’s always ‘You’re evil Hook!’ or ‘Leave Peter Pan alone!’ but what am I meant to do? Not only does this midget frequently defile young girls, but he cut off my fucking hand! He’s a sick little pervert and he needs to be stopped.”