Thursday, April 19, 2012

Questions.....I've got 'em!

I’ve got questions…..questions that don’t necessarily need
to be answered, but if you’ve got the time and/or inclination, please help a
bitch out.

Or, if you’ve got questions, maybe I can help you answer
them. See, do you see what I just did here;
I just created a win-win situation for us both!
Damn, I am so smart. (PS – It’s
all the smarties that I stole out of my children’s candy baskets at Halloween,
they are just kickin’ in!)

Get Outta the road Turkey

First, I want to know why that damn gaggle of turkeys is
stalking me. Every damn day, EVERY day,
as I travel down the dark stretch of back road that is the first part of my
commute, they are there. I know this; I
just know that those muthafuckers wait until I hit that curve at 50 miles an
hour and they jump out in front of me.
See, I think it’s a game that they like to play with me; I call the game
Thanksgiving dinner. One of these days I
am going to hit one of those bastards and stuff ‘em for dinner.

Wear the hat Dwight, wear the hat

Why do Dwight Yoakum’s songs make my hips wiggle, but his
face makes me put on a chastity belt?

For the love of all that is holy, when will my boobs stop
aching when small babies cry?I stopped
breastfeeding over six years ago and the minute I am around one shrill crying
infant my boobs totally swell up and ache….I am not a fuckin cow, I do not make
milk on demand…stop crying!!!

Why does my husband undermine my spank bank? Every time I mention I think that someone is
cute, he slyly points out something to me….that guy on the Sci Fi series
Stargate Atlantis…not the moobie one, but the other one…I mentioned that he was
cute, and then hubby said, “Did you ever look at his ears, they are pointed,
maybe he is part elf” GODDAMNIT HUBBY….now
every time I look at him all I focus on are his Spock like ears.

Why do my muscle relaxer pills say that I can take (3) in
one day. Because I two (2) within six
hours of each other and I became a zombie.
Yep, that is right, a zombie…no higher brain function, drooling on
myself, falling down (more so than normal you bitches) and the ability to speak
in tongues. All I was missing was the
stigmata and I could have heralded the end of the world.

Did you eat poo, did YOU??, see he wont look me in the eye!

Why does my pure bred dog eat shit? This is the first dog that we have ever
purchased from a breeder (the rest of our dogs we gotten through rescue’s). This dog, all expensive like, is one step
below my zombie relaxed self….

Why do my children feel the need to hold my boobies up when
they stand in front of me? It’s not like
I am not wearing a supportive bra, I am trying to keep them up you little
bitches, the fact that you constantly let me know that gravity is just around
the corner does not help mommy’s mood or make me want to buy you shit.

Why does Justice clothing market slutty clothing to my
girls?? Both they and Old Navy – no my
babies do not need string bikinis and flashdance ripped up shirts.

Why are you wearing your Juicy sweat outfits jogging? Shit you not, just yesterday I saw this lady
(pretending to jog, but really walking) and she was decked out in her bling
bling juicy track suit, complete with full make up, and hair in a high
pony. She smiled at my husband, but she
got this evil scowling look when she saw me.
Ha ha, you read my blog….twatwaffle.

Why is my friend Jenn so afraid of midgets? This is unknown, so to help her out I have collected the following t-shirts that I am going to give her:

Aww, come on, cows are cute. Well, calves are cute. Maybe it's because I work with them every day? I'm brainwashed, aren't I? Shitshitshitshitshit. I'm screwed.

And yesterday someone brought in there (not kidding) pet turkey to the vet's office. It can no longer walk. When they then told us that the stupid turkey has been eating DOG FOOD for 4 months, we instantly knew what the problem was. The hard part? Convincing the owners it was all about the dog food and not that the turkey tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof. *facepalm*

When I was in high school, my youth minister was a midget. I guess I got used to them pretty fast.

I have a friend that is terrified of midgets. A local strip club had the porn star "Bridget the Midget" headlining one night. A group of guys took him there without telling him what was going on. Front row seats and she popped out of a box right in front of him. He knocked over three tables trying to get out of there.

I have a good friend who loves midgets. She wants one to live with her so it can sit on her couch and wait for her when she gets home from work. The thing she likes about that image is that his feet will be dangling off the couch. She used to live in an apartment with a handicapped bathroom, and I kid you not, she actually said, "See, if I had a midget, he could sit on the toilet with his feet dangling. Wouldn't that be awesome?" I keep strange company.

I don't have any answers for you either, but will ask you to contact me when you find them. You see, my brother-in-law is so terrified of midgets, he has convinced himself they are not humans, but demons.