Win at Fucking in 3 Easy Steps

A lot of people are insecure about their sexual prowess. They worry how their partners or potential partners will see them, how they will treat them, or how they will perceive their skill, or more than often, their lack of skill. Sometimes it can seem like good sex is a joke everybody else gets.

All of us have insecurities, but all of us deserve good sex and a safe way to have it. So I’ve written this little list to help us all remember that good, safe, satisfying sex is within our reach.

1. MASTURBATE

Practice makes perfect. We don’t shoot people into space without making sure they’re good to go in zero gravity. They spend hours in a simulator, then in a suit at the bottom of a pool, then in a crazy high altitude airplane puking up their guts and studying astrophysics or whatever. This is how you should approach sex. Probably not with the vomiting part, although this is a judgement free zone, if that’s part of your process, don’t be ashamed of who you are.

Get to know your instrument before you have to teach someone else how to play it. For so many people, masturbation is just getting the poison out, and sometimes that’s a necessary tool. If you ever find yourself unable to make a decision, I suggest rubbing one out. It’s a brilliant mental tool. But, masturbation is also training you how to approach partner sex. If it’s always rushed and clinical, what are you teaching your body about future sex?

Empower yourself to have the kind of sex you want whenever you want it. If you weren’t born with all the tools to make this happen, the Internet is a big, beautiful masturbatorium, both in terms of imagery and products. Order yourself some quick release cuffs and a dildo with a suction cup and go to town. I am officially giving you permission to fuck yourself silly. Dance like nobody’s watching. Or like somebody is, that’s cool too.

2. BE NAKED

I’m fat. This isn’t news. I spent a lot of time worrying that the people I was sexually attracted to wouldn’t be sexually attracted to me because my body was not the right shape. You could read paragraph after paragraph of me telling you that whatever the fuck is wrong with you, it makes someone’s dick hard or their slit wet, or whatever terminology applies to whichever indicator of sexual arousal any person on this planet would prefer to be used; or you could hang out naked and learn to be comfortable in your skin no matter what anybody says to you or about you as long as you got you.

In my experience, being naked is crazy good for your self esteem. Being naked with a potential sexual partner in a nonsexual context can make it easier to speak frankly about sex, and easier to feel comfortable when the scene starts to turn steamy. It’s easier to avoid worrying about how your boobs look when you’re cumming all over somebody’s dick if they’ve already seen those same boobs sitting at your desk, or laying on the couch, or in the bathroom while you were brushing your teeth.

This is also a great way to find out if somebody will be getting kicked off fuck island for body shame talk. Because sweetheart, if you can’t take my fat sitting on the couch, you definitely can’t take my fat sitting on your face and you need to get the shit out of my house and never come back. Don’t fuck people you don’t feel good being naked around.

3. TALK ABOUT SEX

Fucking someone without telling them how you like to be fucked or asking how they like to be fucked is like playing a video game without a tutorial. Yeah, maybe you’ll stumble over some up up down down left right left right B A start shit after hundreds of hours of fail, but wouldn’t it be better to ask for a damn map?

Especially talk about sex while not having sex. Talk in general about the sex you like, about the sex you think you’d like. Talk specifically about the sex you’ve had with the person you’re talking to, about what you enjoyed, and what you didn’t; what you were going for when you did that thing you did with your tongue and whether or not it had the desired effect, or if it’s maybe not the finishing move you were hoping for.

And for Pete’s sake, talk about what you don’t like, and let your partner(s) talk about what they don’t like. It can be uncomfortable to talk about some of these things, especially to hear a partner tell you that you maybe need some practice in certain areas, but how the fuck else are you going to have better sex if you don’t know anything about the sex you’re currently having?!

Also, talk about sex with your friends. If I have to listen to you talk about your mortgage re-fi, please at least tell me about fucking as well. We’re not in a convent, you are not Sister Mary Fixed Interest Rate. Please let’s talk about dicks. And pussies. And asses. And anything else that involves fucking of any kind.

I tried to avoid specific reference to any particular sex acts because that’s basically irrelevant when it comes right down to it. There are a million videos and articles on BJ techniques, and how to have the best ass sex. This isn’t what that is. Good sex is about ownership and passion. Once you have that, whatever kind of sex you’re having with whichever partner(s) you choose is the best sex. All the rest is drag.