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DOES YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TEEN NEED AN INTERVENTION? by Susan J. Knowles

We have all heard stories about the difficulties of communicating with teens. Attempting to converse with teens today may involve asking them to stop texting long enough for you to finish a sentence. You’ve seen them, teens carrying around their cell phones as an extension of their bodies. As a parent, you may also have to compete with an iPod as you attempt to carry on a conversation with your teen through earplugs while the volume on his or her favorite song drowns out your voice. If you don’t have these problems in your home then consider yourself fortunate.

I regularly see these problems in my office as a psychotherapist providing therapy for children and teens, as well as adults. As I walk out to the lobby to greet my clients and their parents, I often observe teens sitting near their parents but with little interaction going on between them. The teens typically are texting on their cell phones or listening to music on one of many devices – complete with earplugs. When I have seen parents attempting to talk to their children, it usually entails the parent raising their voice to be heard over the music or a parent talking to their child while they are still texting.

At one point in my career, I was contracted to provide therapy to teens in middle and high schools. Teachers were constantly complaining to the administration that some of their students were texting during class. As a therapist, at times, I had to ask these same students to put away their cell phone or music device so that we could have a session. Some teens would even maintain that they could hear me through their earplugs and insist on keeping them on. Other teens were so adept at texting that they would attempt to text under their jackets without even looking at their phones. While they may have mastered the technique of typing blindly on a cell phone keyboard with only the use of their thumbs, they had not mastered the art of effective face-to-face communication.

Many of my sessions with parents of teens concentrate on what to do when their teen has exhibited an inappropriate behavior. We discuss the use of giving reasonable consequences for these behaviors. Consequences usually involve taking away something of value to the teen in order to ensure future compliance. Also, giving a consequence helps teens learn that parents set the rules that they must follow.

Parents instinctively recognize that cell phones and iPods are the “most valuable” assets that a teen possesses and suggest taking away these devices as a viable consequence. At the same time, parents will also report that taking away these objects can send their child into a tail spin resulting in depression and possible threats of suicide, temper tantrums, yelling or other destructive behaviors.

As a clinician, this has opened my eyes to the seriousness of the issue facing parents today. Almost all teens have a cell phone that allows them to “interact” while allowing them never to speak to that person face-to-face if they so choose. This includes interactions within their own family and beyond. Many teens’ “relationships” today are being formed through short sentences that can be easily texted without any physical or emotional attachment required. In other words, these so-called relationships are shallow at best. Lacking is the face-to-face interaction with its emotional and physical cues that enable a person to really get to know another person on a deep human level.

If teens have no time to develop a relationship on a deep personal level, then how will we ever teach our children how to communicate and experience the most important relationship: a relationship with God? If our teens never stop long enough to focus their attention and speak to the can’t text? It will be difficult at best.

Christian parents are entrusted with teaching their child about God by modeling good Christian values through their own behaviors as godly parents. If children don’t notice a parent’s behaviour because they are too occupied with texting or listening to music then they may not see God in their lives and may not discover the value of developing a relationship with God.

Limiting the use of cell phones and other devices may be met with resistane from your teen at first but in the long run it will help you to bring your family together and to speak to him or her about God. Start by spending time talking with your teen about his or her day. This will help you to become more involved in your teen’s life and in what concerns him or her. You will not only be showing them that you are always there for them but you can begin teaching them that God is always there to listen, as well. You will become a prominent and trusted figure in your teen’s life and not just another voice shouting to be heard over the music or an interference with texting.

It takes work to grow in oneness, but the reward is definitely worth it.

It takes work to grow in oneness. On a torn envelope, Sarah finds the following note left on the kitchen table one morning: “Sarah, I know you said you would like to spend time with me. I agree that we’ve really grown apart lately. I think we need to spend more time together, and I know you were looking forward to relaxing for a couple of evenings. Well, you get your wish. The boss called and said I have to work tonight.

“By the way, would you mind ironing my golf shorts when you get home? I have a tournament tomorrow. Oh, before I forget, tomorrow night the guys are coming over to watch the game. You don’t mind, do you? And something else — I’m leaving on business to San Diego Monday. I’ll be gone the rest of the week.”

If Sarah is like most wives, she’s thinking, How in the world does this goofball think we’re going to get close if he’s always gone or having someone over?

Suppose Jesus had taken the attitude that closeness would “just happen” with his disciples. “Okay,” He might say. “I have called you guys to be apostles. You have left everything to follow Me. But I have a lot of stress on Me; I have to save the world! So My ‘alone time’ is very important. Your job is to take the Gospel to the whole world, but I really think you can handle this without Me. I’ll spend Saturdays with you, but the rest of the time you’re on your own.”

Is that how Jesus became “one” with His disciples? No. He understood the value of spending time with them, talking, teaching, dining, and experiencing happy and challenging moments together. There were times when Jesus needed to be alone, but He understood the value of being with His followers, too. In the end, He gave His life for them and they gave theirs for Him — the ultimate testimony of oneness.

Togetherness: Making It Work

If you’re struggling with the challenges of togetherness, here’s help.

If you find yourself struggling with the challenges of togetherness, here are some simple suggestions.

Remember who brought you together. God has united the two of you for a reason. It’s no accident. He calls you to become one (Genesis 2:24), to honor one another (Ephesians 5:22-33), to love one another (I Corinthians 13), and to remain together until death separates you (Matthew 19:9).

Change the way you think. You’re still an individual. But God has called you to leave your father and mother and unite with your spouse. That means making changes in your thinking (you belong to someone else now) as well as your behavior (you don’t act like a single person anymore). Changing the way you think can change the way you feel. Start thinking like a married person, and you’ll probably begin to feel like one.

Educate yourself about God’s desire for unity in your marriage. Read Bible passages that emphasize the importance of oneness and unity (John 17; 1 Corinthians 7). Personalize them by inserting your name and the name of your spouse. Pray that God will show you any attitudes and actions that stand in the way of oneness. Stop focusing on your mate’s mistakes, and start working on unity by changing yourself.

Learn from others. Ask couples you know who have strong marriages how they moved from independence to interdependence. What mindsets and habits did they adopt that worked for them?

If you asked that of Bill and Ruth, here’s what they might tell you.

Bill was independent. So was Ruth. For the first three years of their marriage things were so rocky that both felt they’d made a mistake in getting married. They developed separate interests and friendships, spent little time with each other, grew apart, and even considered divorce. But because of their church background, they felt they had to stay together.

Things changed on their third anniversary. They made a commitment to each other: No matter what, they would learn how to connect and develop intimacy. They began studying the Bible and praying together, and attended every marriage conference they could find. They made spending time together a hobby; where you saw one, you’d see the other. They took up golf and skiing. For the next 20 years they would have at least one date a week.

Recently Bill and Ruth went to another marriage retreat — where they were voted Most Dedicated Couple. Their switch from aloneness to togetherness hadn’t just happened. They’d intentionally drawn closer and stuck with that commitment.

They’d probably tell you that intentional intimacy is an investment that always pays off — and they’d be right.

There is a fine line between becoming one with your mate, while maintaining your God-given identity. It’s challenging, but even more so if you’re new to married life. If this is your story, maybe you’re asking, “What does it mean to become one and how do my spouse and I do it?”

Does a husband pursue his career over his wife’s desire to move to another state for a once-in-a-lifetime job offer? Should a wife go out once a week with her girlfriends while her husband stays at home with the children? How do they merge their finances, possessions and time?

Becoming one is something that takes effort and persistence. Guaranteed, it won’t take place instantly but with wisdom and effort, it can happen. We invite you to take another step toward marital oneness by reading the articles we’ve provided here.

Feelings of Doubt and Uncertainty

The adjustment from being single to being married can create feelings of loss and anxiety. Here’s how to cope.

by Mitch Temple

The sudden change that comes after the honeymoon can be one of life’s most sobering moments. Some young couples describe this as “being hit in the face with a cold glass of water” or “being struck by lightning.”

Others express it this way:

“I feel like I’m on another planet, and I want to go home!”

“I miss being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.”

And here’s a favorite that marriage therapists hear often: “If two becoming one means that I disappear as a person, forget it!”

If you feel like this, don’t think you’re alone or that your situation is hopeless. The following quotations illustrate the fact that the adjustment period from aloneness to togetherness is often complex:

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.—Claire Cloninger

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.—Rita Rudner

Many couples wonder how the blending of two personalities and sets of ambitions, desires, and dreams could ever be expected by a wise and all-knowing God! Trying to adjust from “freedom” to partnership can be difficult and exasperating — but it’s a process, not just a destination.

The Feelings are Normal

When we shift from being single to being married, we experience loss. Losing something leaves us feeling sad. But as we grow in our relationship with the person we committed to, the grief can turn to joy and contentment.

It’s common for young couples to experience various levels of “buyer’s remorse.” That was the case with Nicole and Ted.

Nicole had waited for many years to find the right man to spend the rest of her life with. At age 33, she met Ted. Within 13 months they were married in her hometown of Atlanta.

Though she was certain Ted was the man God had chosen for her, Nicole missed her independence. Often she felt sad, conflicted, confused — wondering whether she’d made the wrong decision about marriage. She loved Ted and was thankful for him, realizing she couldn’t have asked for a better man. But she struggled with having to give up her “alone time” and sense of freedom.

After praying, studying the Bible, and getting direction from Christian friends, Nicole began to see that her feelings were normal and that most people experience them. She accepted the responsibility of honoring the relationship God had given her with Ted. Each day she made conscious efforts to enjoy her relationship with her new husband in the fullest sense.

Though she occasionally needed time alone, Nicole learned to think in terms of two instead of one. When tempted to do her own thing at Ted’s expense, she resisted. When it would have been easy to plop down on the couch after a hard day’s work, she spent time with her husband first. Ted responded in a similar way, and their marriage developed into a bond filled with joy and intimacy.

That’s how closeness and biblical oneness develop in marriages in spite of selfish tendencies. Though challenging and often confusing, the transition from independence to interdependence is absolutely vital to your union.

I am in the carpool line and scrolling through my Twitter and I see the word “school” and “shooter” and my stomach drops and it hasn’t stopped hurting now. I pick up my children and I can tell the teachers and principal of my school don’t know yet, because when something like this happens adults can connect by just looking at one another, and I know that they haven’t heard.

And then I think about praying and I am also really crying inside, mourning for the rip into our lives that this creates, the searing, ugly, tearing wound of evil, and the hurt and tragedy of the fact that we have disregarded hurting people and ignored so much of the pain and hurt in our world, and that we are a hurting, isolated people who so need love and forgiveness and healing.

There are some things that I want to tell you, my friends, because I know that in times like this we look around and wonder what to do next, and mostly I don’t know, but here’s what I do know:

You need to let your children believe in God.

Even if you wrestle with the whole concept, and if it makes your head hurt to think about evolution and exclusivity and is Jesus the only way, and even if you wrestle with if the Bible is historically accurate or if God performs miracles, here’s one thing that no one, not any one person, can deny: the existence of evil.

Evil is real and I am begging you to face the reality. We are not raising our children in a Dora the Explorer make-believe land, and they can feel that. We cannot protect them from everything, and they can feel that. We are not enough. And they can feel that. If you make yourself the highest protection for your child, then what will you tell them when they ask about school shootings? About movie theatre shootings? About car accidents and natural disasters and fires?

We cannot have them within arm’s length at all times. They grow and they flutter their wings and they strain to fly because that’s what they are supposed to do. And so when God describes himself as a great daddy bird that lets us hide in the shadow of his wing, this great Lion who reigns and roars, this great I AM who exists outside and inside and around our reality and invites us to eternity, this one that guides and protects and is over all, even this tragedy, we must let our children believe in that God.

Without heaven, death is despair. Without eternity, the end of our time on earth is the dark, deep end. And without souls, we are merely animals. And so school shootings happen because pain and evil and suffering are real, and there is nothing scarier than a person who has disregarded human life, who has been so hurt by life that they have been caught up in the snare of evil, and darkness has won in their life but it doesn’t have to win in ours by staying indifferent to the reality.

I want my children to never feel alone, even when I am not with them. I believe in God because I have wrestled long and hard with the questions of life, of evil and pain and suffering and forgiveness. And I believe that this story only makes sense with Him in it.

So I’m asking you to give your children a narrative. Give them a framework for understanding good and evil and life and death. Do the best you can, even if it feels awkward or hard. I think we all know that these “days are evil” as Paul said to the church at Ephesus many years ago. Would you pray with me?

God of all comfort, we come before you with humble, silent hearts. You gave us tears so that we can mourn and we cry out for you to pour out your loving, warm light on the many so deeply affected today by the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings. For those who lost children today, would you gather them to you, for you promise that “those who mourn will be comforted.” For the children who have been traumatized by these experiences, would your healing light penetrate their souls and speak deeply into them, about the truth of the protection of their spirits and the reality of heaven. For the family of the shooter, we ask you to draw them close to you. And we thank you, God, that you are a God who remembers, you are a God of justice, and that evil will not have the final word in this earth, and that no matter what happens to us, our souls find rest in you, and they are secure in you. Help us to turn back to you as a nation, to take action to protect those who are suffering in their minds and souls, and that we would not “be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with love.” (Romans 12:21).

“A destruction, an annihilation only man can provoke, only man can prevent.” –Elie Wiesel

Some extended family contexts may be so far from spiritual that we need to till the soil of conversation before making many direct spiritual claims. It’s not that the statements aren’t true or desperately needed, but that our audience may not yet be ready to hear it. The gospel may seem so foreign that wisdom would have us take another approach. One strategy is to “tell it slant,” to borrow from the poem of the same name — to get at the gospel from an angle.

“If your family has a long history of negativity and sarcasm,” writes Newman, “the intermediate step of speaking positively about a good meal or a great film may pave the way for ‘blinding’ talk of God’s grace and mercy” (67). Don’t “blind” them by rushing to say loads more than they’re ready for. As Emily Dickinson says, “The truth must dazzle gradually / Or every man be blind.”

7) Be real about the gospel

As we dialogue with family about the gospel, let’s not default to quoting Bible verses that don’t really answer the questions being asked. Let’s take up the gospel in its accompanying worldview and engage their questions as much as possible in the terms in which they asked them. Newman says, “We need to find ways to articulate the internally consistent logic of the gospel’s claims and not resort to anti-intellectual punch lines like, ‘The Bible says it, I believe it, and that settles it.’”

Yes, let’s do quote Bible when appropriate — we are Christians owing ultimately to revelation, not to reason. But let’s not make the Bible into an excuse for not really engaging with their queries in all their difficulty. (And let’s not be afraid to say we don’t know when we don’t!)

8) Consider the conversational context

Context matters. It doesn’t have to be face to face across the table to be significant. “Many people told me their best conversations occurred in a car — where both people faced forward, rather than toward each other,” says Newman. “Perhaps the indirect eye contact posed less of a threat” (91). Maybe even sofas and recliners during a Thanksgiving Day football game, if the volume’s not ridiculous. Be mindful of the context, and seek to make yourself available for conversation while at family gatherings, rather than retreating always into activities or situations that are not conducive to substantive talk.

9) Know your particular family situation. In some families, the gospel has been spoken time and again in the past to hard hearts, perhaps there has been a lack of grace in the speaking, and what is most needed is some unexpected relational rebuilding. Or maybe you’ve built and built and built the relationship and have never (or only rarely) clearly spoken the message of the gospel.

Let’s think and pray ahead of time as to what the need of hour is in our family, and as the gathering approaches pray toward what little steps we might take. And then let’s trust Jesus to give us the grace our hearts need, whether it’s grace for humbling ourselves enough to connect relationally or whether it’s courage enough to speak with grace and clarity.

10) Be hopeful

God loves to convert the people we think are the least likely. Jesus is able to melt the hardest of hearts. Some who finished their lives among the greatest saints started as the worst of sinners.

Realistically, there could have been some cousin of the apostle Paul sitting around some prayer meeting centuries ago telling his fellow believers, “Hey, would you guys pray for my cousin Saul? I can’t think of anyone more lost. He hunts down followers of The Way and arrests them. Just last week, he was the guy who stood guard over the clothes of the people who killed our brother Stephen.” (53)

With God, all things are possible. Jesus has a history of conquering those most hostile to him. We have great reason to have great hope about gospel advance in our families, despite how dire and dark it may seem.

When We Fail

And when we fail — not if, but when — the place to return is Calvary’s tree. Our solace in failing to adequately share the gospel is the very gospel we seek to share. It is good to ache over our failures to love our families in gospel word and deed. But let’s not miss that as we reflect on our failures, we have all the more reason to marvel at God’s love for us.

Be astonished that his love is so lavish that he does not fail to love us, like we fail to love him and our families, and that he does so despite our recurrent flops in representing him well to our kin.

Tis’ the most wonderful time of the year . . . and it’s a unique opportunity to give the good news of Jesus to your unbelieving family.

Randy Newman’s book, Bringing the Gospel Home, is a resource meant to equip Christians in how to talk about the gospel in their closest relationships. Because of the book’s relevance in this season, Crossway is currently offering a free download.

Christmas with Family Who Don’t Know Jesus

David Mathis recently extracted some practical ideas from the book in connection to all the family gatherings accustomed to the holidays. Here are those ten points again, or in his words, “a few thoughts from a fellow bungler to help us think ahead and pray about how we might grow in being proxies for the gospel, in word and deed, among our families.”

1) Pray ahead

Begin praying for your part in gospel advance among extended family several days before gathering. And let’s not just pray for changes in them, but also pray for the needed heart changes in us — whether it’s for love or courage or patience or kindness or fresh hope, or all of the above.

2) Listen and ask questions

Listen, listen, listen. Perhaps more good evangelism than we realize starts not with speaking but with good listening. Getting to know someone well, and specifically applying the gospel to them, is huge in witness. Relationship matters.

Ask questions to draw them out. People like to talk about themselves — and we should capitalize on this. And most people only enjoy talking about themselves for so long. At some point, they’ll ask us questions. And that’s our golden chance to speak, upon request.

One of the best times to tell the gospel with clarity and particularity is when someone has just asked us a question. They want to hear from us. So let’s share ourselves, and Jesus in us. Not artificially, but in genuine answer to their asking about our lives. And remember it’s a conversation. Be careful not to rabbit on for too long, but try to keep a sense of equilibrium in the dialogue.

3) Raise the gospel flag early

Let’s not wait to get to know them “well enough” to start clearly identifying with Jesus. Depending on how extended our family is, or how long it’s been since we married in, they may already plainly know that we are Christians. But if they don’t know that, or don’t know how important Jesus is to our everyday lives, we should realize now that there isn’t any good strategy in being coy about such vital information. It will backfire. Even if we don’t put on the evangelistic full-court press right away (which is not typically advised), wisdom is to identify with Jesus early and often, and articulate the gospel with clarity (and kindness) as soon as possible.

No one’s impressed to discover years into a relationship that we’ve withheld from them the most important things in our lives.

4) Take the long view and cultivate patience

With family especially, we should consider the long arc. Randy Newman is not afraid to say to Christians in general, “You need a longer-term perspective when it comes to family.” Chances are we do. And so he challenges us to think in terms of an alphabet chart, seeing our family members positioned at some point from letters A to Z. These 26 steps/letters along the way from distant unbelief (A) to great nearness to Jesus (Z) and fledgling faith help us remember that evangelism is usually a process, and often a long one.

It is helpful to recognize that not everyone is near the end of the alphabet waiting for our pointed gospel pitch to tip them into the kingdom. Frequently there is much spadework to be done. Without losing the sense of urgency, let’s consider how we can move them a letter, or two or three, at a time and not jerk them toward Z in a way that may actually make them regress.

5) Beware the self-righteous older brother in you

For those who grew up in nonbelieving or in shallow or nominal Christian families, it can be too easy to slide into playing the role of the self-righteous older brother when we return to be around our families. Let’s ask God that he would enable us to speak with humility and patience and grace. Let’s remember that we’re sinners daily in need of his grace, and not gallop through the family gathering on our high horse as if we’ve arrived or just came back from the third heaven. Newman’s advice: “use the pronouns ‘we’ and ‘us’ far more than ‘you’” (65).

Dear Dr. Bill: I’ve heard you talking about forgiveness on this program and I wonder if you can help me. I’m having trouble forgiving my husband for his adultery. I discovered the truth back in February and kicked him out of the house. Now he wants to reconcile but how can I stay married without losing my self-respect? Maybe I can forgive my husband, but I don’t think I can love him like before. And if I divorce him and lose my house, it would feel like I was being punished for something I didn’t do. What do you think?

Kendra, I’m very sorry to hear about your husband’s affair. I’m sure the past 10 months have been very difficult for you, and that you’ve experienced feelings of shock, anger, sadness, and betrayal.

If your husband is truly repentant, I believe you should give reconciliation a chance. You may find it hard to believe, but many couples whose marriages were devastated by adultery have been able to put the pieces back together and go on to have a fulfilling, loving relationship again.

Every one of those couples will tell you the process involved a lot of hard work, and that the feelings of love didn’t return overnight. But some would tell you that their marriage is healthier now than it was prior to the affair.

If you are willing to at least consider reconciliation, I’d encourage you to find a Christian therapist who is experienced in working with marriages impacted by adultery. Our Focus on the Family counseling department may be able to help you locate a therapist in your area.

Also, let me recommend an excellent book that I know you’ll find helpful. It’s titled Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity. The authors are Gary and Mona Shriver, a couple whose own marriage survived an affair. We recently aired their story on the Focus on the Family daily broadcast.

How Do I Restore My Relationships?

Dear Dr. Bill: Several years ago, my marriage was struggling and as a result, I became involved with another woman. The affair cost me five years of my marriage, five years of watching my children grow, and about five years of my life. Thankfully, my wife has chosen to forgive me and we are back together. But what I’d like to know is this: How can I rebuild the relationship with my wife and with my children to what it was before?

I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to share this very difficult issue. First of all, I need to commend your wife for the strength and courage she has demonstrated in forgiving you. Many spouses who have been cheated on are never able to forgive their husband or wife.

From your e-mail, it sounds like you are truly repentant and have renewed your commitment to your wife. So you’ve already taken the first step toward healing.

It’s also important for you to understand that when a violation like an affair has occurred, it often takes a long time for trust to be rebuilt, both for the spouse and for the children. You can take specific actions to help re-build trust, such as joining a men’s accountability group at your church. You’ll need to find a group of men with whom you can be completely open and transparent, and who will be willing to hold you accountable to your commitment to your wife and kids.

You also need to understand that your family may still harbor feelings of anger toward you for what you did. It’s important that you not get defensive when they are angry with you or bring up the past. The fact is that you messed up and now you need to be willing to accept the consequences.

Most importantly, you, your wife, and your kids need to commit to family counseling. First, you and your wife need to work through those things in your marriage that caused the conflict in the first place. Basically you need to perform an “autopsy” on what died in the relationship and led to the affair. If you don’t, unresolved issues in your relationship will surface again. After you’ve dealt with the marital issues, it’s critical that your kids join you in the counseling process. They’ve got a lot of emotional baggage to unpack, and that needs to be done with a Christian family therapist. I want to urge you to seek professional Christian counselling.