A female perspective on the Autistic Spectrum, Mental Illness and everything else….

This is how it is.

I’m fed up of getting crap from people telling me that the person wanted to be left alone. They never told me this at any point. And, personally, I do not feel that this would be the case if the other person hadn’t signed a contract saying she wouldn’t talk to me. I have a right to my opinion without ‘friends’ of theirs laying into me about it or saying I deserve to be punished. And the added case of my support telling them not to talk to me. Aspergers is not a choice. The OCD traits are NOT a choice. I didn’t ask to be let down by the mental health services. That is why I’ve been saving up my own money to pay for the therapy that I need. I still get laid into for that and told that I deserve to be punished. I honestly did not know that the other person didn’t want contact. I thought it was the University dictating and if they spoke to me they’d get into trouble.

Let’s not forget that ‘friends’ have a habit of adding fuel to the fire of any situation and making the other person involved look completely evil. I’m not evil. I am disabled and made genuine mistakes because I do not understand things. I was majorly let down and when I met this other person I just innocently wanted a friend. I don’t deserve to be laid into or have criminal charges on my name. I have tried to explain everything. But, no one is listening to me.

I’m trying to teach others about the OCD traits and how it’s not easy to just ‘snap out of it’.

All I wanted was the order taken off. I got into OCD mode about it because it meant a lot to me for my future career. If they cared at all they wouldn’t let their friends lay into me like they have done. They would tell them that I didn’t deserve it. It’s not fair to destroy me to protect their career. I just want fairness because none of this has been fair.

Am I really that repulsive that I’m not worth wanting to know? That’s how comments make me feel about myself. If you had my disability traits then you would understand that my actions were not a choice. It’s since ‘friends’ of the other person has got involved that I’ve received more charges on my name. I confided in the other person, not them. They don’t even know me. Therefore they don’t know my intentions or who I am as a person. I will plainly tell anyone, in some cases quite brutally, if they are completely wrong about something. In this case, they are wrong. I had no bad intentions towards the other person. I saved up to pay for therapy for my OCD traits. I paid the £400 in victim compensation (regardless whether they actually received it all or not, it was paid in full). There have been so many different versions of ‘the truth’ floating around that I’m confused. One minute people are saying it is because I threatened the other person that they didn’t want to know and then another version was regardless they never wanted to know. I don’t know how I was ever supposed to act appropriately unless I was told the truth at the time. I tried to commit suicide because I felt so bad when I did find out. That is how I am as a person. I do care and I hated myself. I haven’t been in contact since I was pissed off with the new charges that were added. I don’t intend on being in contact again.