Rediscovery

A lot of changes have happened in my life these past months. I became extremely depressed. I had heightened levels of anxiety and stress, and completely lost all confidence and faith in myself. I was utterly miserable. And when others began to notice, I knew I had to take corrective action. I spent tremendous amounts of time reflecting and thinking deeply about what it was that made me feel all these macabre emotions.

Eventually I concluded it was my job. I wasn't happy. I didn't feel supported. I wasn't setup for success. I didn't know how to grow. No one could help me. But the most important realization I made was that the environment was not one I would ever thrive in. You see, it wasn't what I was doing that made me sad, it was where I was doing it. For awhile I fought through these thoughts—not wanting them to be true. However, with each losing battle I became more and more broken, and those closest to me could tell something was seriously wrong.

With this awareness, I quit my job and took an extended staycation. My goal was to spend time reconnecting with myself and asking what I want. I was tired of letting myself get pushed around by a life I was unhappy in. It wasn't just unhappy, it was pure misery.

In the end, I spent one month out of work. It was absolutely the best time of my life and it was such a necessary reprieve. During this time, I rediscovered play and experimentation. I rediscovered what it was like to feel curious about something and try it out without anyone standing there judging me and making me feel inadequate. I also learned to stop judging myself and making myself feel inadequate (a little bit). During this time, I created things that were ugly and messy but new and exciting. For once I focused more on the action and exploration of the thing than I did on the outcome of it. Through this act of creating without assessment, I unknowingly allowed myself and my skills to grow. I started feeling confident in me again. I felt myself becoming creative again. I felt myself becoming happy again.

That month passed by too quickly, but I am looking forward to the new adventures ahead for me.