Floating Through Space

People want to be attached to something beyond themselves. They
want to get “out there” every day and not be stuck all alone in the house. They
don’t want to be nameless and unaffiliated. They don’t want to be aimless. They
perceive that they need the label of some relationship or job or club in order
to avoid all this.

Is this you?

Floating Unattached

People feel they must be attached to something they can give a
name to in order to feel like a person. Otherwise they are invalid.

Consider that the majority of high school graduates go off to
college so that their parents will continue to support them while they buy time—that
is, to continue receiving support before they are able to support themselves. I
mean, that’s what I’m doing, and most of my friends certainly don’t want to be
in college. So many kids at my school just don’t care and don’t want to be
there. Of course, I go to community college so I might just have the low end of
totem pole to look at here.

What about students at fancier-pants places though? What if
putting their fancy pants on is the only way they feel worthy? What if all
other pursuits just look way too low-brow—even if those are what they really
want?

Floating through space. People attest to being so busy all the
time. Yet, might it really be that they love hustling from one activity to the
next, no matter how mundane or meaningless, so that they won’t have to stop and
stare in the face of life? So they have a good excuse to keep putting off those
scary things they really want to do? So they can say, “Sorry, I just didn’t
have time to get around to it”? So they don’t have to face up to what they’re
really feeling? Cue Tove Lo, from the top please.

I’m certainly not suggesting that you do the opposite of rush
around, which is to stop and stagnate But when you constantly go, go, go… Are
you even doing things you want to be doing? Do you really care about the
commitments you’ve made? Are the bulk of your activities soulless? Might you be
running on an endless treadmill?

Maybe you talk to a certain girl everyday just because you think
it’s better than being alone, or you stay at your job because you think it’s
better than being broke. Is it really? Are you sure? Have you tested this? What
if when you let go of these things, you are able to connect with better things?

I like to speed through schoolwork so I have time to work on my
own projects, such as this. In the past I might have allowed myself to take all
the time in the world on homework so as avoid such scary creative endeavors.

Let’s get down to the dirty stuff here. So tell me. If I dropped
out of school, remained jobless, and just worked on my own stuff for a while,
what would become of me? Would I shrivel up and die in oblivion? Would I even
be a person anymore? Would I have a name? Of course, I have a website, so
that’s something. But what if I didn’t, and I just went out and
travelled the world all by myself for a little while? Then what am I? Who would
Kim Wrate be?

The fallacy of those questions lies in the assumption that my
worth is objectively-based. In other words, I’ve wrongly imagined that what makes me a valid person is being
attached to something outside myself.

The problem there is that I have no idea what other
people think of me, and I can never have any idea. When I run in the woods,
it doesn’t matter that I’m a community college student on the indoor track
team. Those labels are meaningless there. I’m just another- albeit clothed and
domesticated- animal.

Step Into Your Self-worth

We must determine our own self-worth. It is impossible
to define yourself by the value someone else attributes to you. Ultimately, you
are the one who accepts and applies that value-judgment to yourself.

I’m not suggesting you lay around all day and get big and tell
yourself you’re valuable. I don’t want to live like that anyway. I genuinely
want to live an active, full life and help other people to do so. I would like
to be part of the solution rather than the problem. I just think living and
working on my own terms is the best way for me to do so.

Yeah, it might be a bit scary once I become, for the first time,
unattached from a massive organization beyond myself, and it could very well be
a little lonely. But what’s the use of keeping up this game? That’s largely
what it (school) is to me now.

I don’t mean to say I don’t learn anything valuable there and
that it isn’t a valid path for others to take. But I’ve thrown away more life
to it than I ought to. I see that at this point it’s probably holding me back
more than it is propelling me forward. I know logically that floating around on
my own probably would not be as tragic as I fear. I also know that I really am
just floating around at school anyway.

At least on my own I’d be doing conscious floating. At school
there’s a tendency for people to accept their present role and hope there will
be something waiting for them at the end of it, whether it’s graduate school, a
fancy-pants job, or a spot on the couch back home. It’s as though they get so
used to being drilled with directions all the time that they can’t find their
own direction anymore. They have become dependent on others telling them what
to do. To do any other would require too much effort. Let me just sleep through
life and hope…

Yet, no one wants to be alone and unnamed. At least at school or
a job there’s some perception of being productive, and there are other people
there to connect with. I understand this feeling. It’s part of my motivation
for sticking around the institutional life, for the time being.

Stepping Into Love

What we can choose to do instead of grasping for external
validation is connect with each other consciously. Not due to mere convenience
or expectation. Not due to a need to avoid solitude, monotony, and boredom. Not
due to a desire to disconnect from something undesirable. Instead, due to a
genuine interest to connect with something wonderful. Doesn’t that sound beautiful?

I know people do this already. Yes, you can connect with people
who you’ve known for years and who you see every day at some large
organization. The point is to connect based on something you really, really
care about. To connect out of excitement. To connect by mutual attraction.

To do this, I also have to connect with myself in a love-based
fashion. Instead of railing on myself to get my work done so I can make money,
I can be genuinely interested and excited about the ideas I have to share with
others. Instead of staring myself down in the mirror to become more attractive,
I can take joy in what beauty I know I do have. Instead of wishing I’d just get
my shit together and become a perfect person already, I can take pride in what
I have accomplished thus far, and from there look with a smile to what I shall
do next.

Likewise, instead of wanting for another person to just get a
grip and become happy, or lose weight, or stop
complaining already, I can choose to connect to what a beautiful person she
is now. Now is all we have anyway; plus, you’re a beautiful person and so am I,
so… Why not?

Provided I take responsibility for what happens, why not allow
inspiration and a higher purpose to guide me into wildly fun, unabashed love?
What the heck is wrong with that?

So long as I have no hidden motive, we respect one another, and
all the cards are out on the table to both myself and to my friend, nothing is
wrong. There is nothing the matter at all. We are each great spirits of
unending value, and no namesake could ever give or take that away from us.