Monday, December 9, 2013

And Then it Hit me

Even though I came to about 6:30am, I didn't arrive to my best friend's house until after 8:30am. And when I did, I couldn't stop laughing. Everything was funny. I felt great. I had energy. I didn't even think of the night before- I was having a great time in the moment. It wasn't until after my fiance got mad at me and my friend stared at me in wonder that I began to think something was wrong. It was confusing. I felt like there was something I wasn't catching. That I was oblivious to something obvious.

I went and brushed my teeth, and blood poured from my mouth. I recently had a bleeding issue, so when it wouldn't stop, I became more alarmed. I had to hold my frenulum (frenulum labii superioris - the little flappy thing that connects the lip to the gums right below the nose inside the mouth) for about 20 minutes before the bleeding stopped. I hadn't noticed that injury yet. I have no clue how it happened. It hadn't bled yet since I woke up and I couldn't remember seeing blood or blood stains since I woke up. Something was wrong. I could feel that nagging of my brain trying to tell me something.

So I sat there in the silence, our kids playing in the background. Slowly- so slowly- I began to study the reactions of everyone around me. The friend who had babysat the night before- she had been concerned. She had watched how we all came back one by one. to her, something had gone terribly wrong. My friend's fiance- he had been horrified for so long he had become devastated and insecure when he came home at 5:30am and found we were both still missing. The babysitter said he just sat there staring at her sleeping saying, "You aren't [my best friend's name- removed for privacy]. Did Maggie ever come home?" and shaking his head. She berated him as he sat there with his head in his hands trying to tell her the details from the night before. They waited in terror, hoping we would come home. It was still too early to call the police- and they were in denial. They were hoping we would show up. In less than an hour, my best friend showed up via cab to her own house- purse and hat missing, only returning with the clothes she left in. Her fiance paid the cab. She was shocked to learn that I wasn't back still. She began to panic. When we were in high school together, she went missing from a bar and gang raped only to wake up naked in a field the next morning. We had an agreement- there were certain safety precautions we always took- some just to feel safer when we were in various situations. She totally panicked- shutting down. About 45 minutes later I called. I had just woken up- and I was laughing- I was fine, but I had just woken up naked with some stranger. That was completely unacceptable in our circle- she knew she was supposed to have protected me. But I told the babysitter to tell her I was fine and I was on my way home to her house. When I got to her house her fiance and her were passed out and the babysitter asked me a million concerned questions, but mainly filled in what few details they could piece together because neither I or my friend remembered anything and we had been missing most of the night.

As I sat there trying to understand why everyone was making a big deal about it all, most of all I struggled to understand why my fiance was upset that I had woken up naked in another man's bed. I'm not a cheater, but for some reason I didn't realize the gravity of it for over half an hour of trying to figure out why he was mad. And when my best friend gaped at me saying, "What the Fuck, Maggie? Are you kidding me?" I paused to figure out what was happening. I literally could not figure out the cause and effect of it all. But then I began processing it.I m supposed to feel bad about this. Stuff like this isn't supposed to happen. I shouldn't have gotten so crazy. I shouldn't have had so much to drink.

Finally I had a frame of reference to work from- I shouldn't have had so much to drink. Now that I as beginning to understand why people were frustrated with me and disappointed in my choices, I tried to retrace my steps from the night before to see where I went wrong.

I had 4 beers at the tailgating party- from 12:08pm until 2:26. One I didn't finish because it got hot. One I had only barely started drinking when they closed the party down. I tried to chug it- but I'm not good at drinking beer. I ended up only drinking a third of it before being forced to throw the beer in the trash.... still cold and tasty. I was barely beginning to feel a buzz. I had the beginnings of a slur and I was relaxing, but only slightly. Then we found a portapotty. Two of us used the bathroom then. We found a few street vendors- one giving out partial shots to promote the new Svedka Creamscicle Vodka (pretty good, but not creamy enough for me), the other selling the last 3 draft beers. We all got a half shot of the Svedka and 3 of us (all the girls- we had a coworker female friend there at the time too, so the fiance got the shaft) got the last three beers. These were in some cool new cups that have a puck kind of thing at the bottom to label the beer- and plug the bottom of the cup. In my wonderment, I accidentally poked the puck and unplugged it only a few sips in...... Yup. I spilled the whole damn beer an couldn't stop it. Lame. We made it from there to Scholz Garten. I got a local draft beer. All the beer gave me a stomach ache. The local beer sat wrong and I ended up sobering up because I couldn't drink anymore. I finished the local beer at about 4:30pm. From there the coworker went home and we hopped a petty cab- the 3 of us (best friend, her fiance, and me) went to Starbucks (Yup! My idea!!). I got a mocha and was happy. Then on to Darwin's Pub to meet up with a different coworker friend. I got there and still didn't want to drink- even though the bartender tried to pressure me into anything alcoholic. I instead got a gyro- but only ate 3 small bites before I sat very still for the next hour. I was nauseous and my stomach was locked up. This happens regularly if I try to drink a number of beers. Drinking more makes it worse, so I just have to wait it out. We left and went next door to The Lodge. My friend and I went immediately to the bathroom. When we came out, her fiance asked us to come over so I could be introduced to another coworker. "This is Maggie- my fiance's friend from high school." "Nice to meet you." My friend and I went immediately to the corner of the bar, leaving her fiance and the other guys at the bar. There was probably only 9 people in the entire bar, including the bartenders. Everyone was sitting at the bar, but my friend and I stood near the wall of the long skinny bar. We were having our own low conversation. She noticed I was low and I was about to cry again, so she took me to the side to get me to smile and laugh. That is what I asked her to do. I needed help enduring tonight. This was going to be a hard night and I needed to have company because I really missed my fiance. I couldn't confide in him about that though- he was dealing with enough being overseas. I always tried not to make it harder on him than I needed to. He needed me to be strong for him. This is what I signed up for. It's hard loving a soldier sometimes though. It's lonely. I looked up at some point and noticed a stranger staring at me from the bar. Not long, but long enough for me to remember it.

And then my memory peters out and I wake up naked with that stranger......

OMG! I WASN'T DRUNK!! I HAD BEEN SOBER FOR HOURS!!!!

ME: HEY GUYS! Guys- do you remember me drinking last night?
BFF's Fiance: Oh yeah- you got fucked up.
Me: NO! Do you remember me getting drunk? I counted all my drinks, and I didn't drink enough to get drunk. I got a stomach ache and stopped drinking at Scholz Garten- remember?
BFF: OMG- She's right babe! You took a bunch of shots at Darwin's, but she didn't drink any.
BFF's Fiance: You girls didn't drink at the Lodge?
BFF: Not that much!
Me: I don't remember drinking at the Lodge.
BFF: You did- you had a beer on the dance floor when we were dancing.
Me: We danced last night? I don't remember any of that!
BFF: Yeah we were on the dance floor- just the two of us.
BFF's Fiance: I think you are right. You didn't slur You always slur when you get drunk. You weren't acting drunk.
Me: OMG. Seriously. I had 6 drinks in 7 hours- and not even a full 6 drinks. I spilled that one from the street vendor- I didn't finish my last beer at the tailgating party- that shot was a half shot. The first beer I had got hot and I didn't finish it. Seriously- I wasn't drunk. I HAD to have been drugged. That's the only thing that makes sense. Just two weeks ago I drank that whole case of Dos Equis to myself in only 4 hours, remember? And I remembered everything from that night. There's no way in hell I drank so little- was sober - and then lose my memory for over 12 hours. And I'm not even hungover now. I had to have been drugged!
BFF: Well that explains the way you are acting.

We all sat there in silence. I'm pretty sure I whispered Oh my God over and over again. I was blown away. I wasn't even drunk.That changes everything. I wasn't cheating. I wasn't a dirty slut. I was drugged. Someone did it maliciously to have their way with me. I could have been beaten. Or gang raped. I could have been killed.

In my confusion the night before, I believe I walked away from my friends. No one knows. But once I realized I was alone and lost, I called my best friend repeatedly. Amazingly I never once called her fiance or the babysitter. Instead- I received a text from a friend (not a mutual friend of the people I was with) in Virginia. I instead called that friend over and over again looking for my BFF. I couldn't figure out who he was and I kept asking him to look for my BFF. He tried to get me a ride back, but I haven't been to her house enough to know how to get there, so I have the address stored in my phone. I could barely remember who I was and I couldn't read the street signs or bar signs to give him a reference for a cabbie to get me. He knew I was in trouble from the way I was so confused and alone. I walked the streets of downtown Austin for who knows how long that night in this state- and I was sexually deprived since I had been celibate (aside from my soldiers 2 week vacation) for over 13 months. I had noticed my irrational phone call streak and my friend in Virginia contacted me that morning to make sure I was OK. At this point I was only coping- I was completely in shock, struggling with denial.OMG. I was drugged. How did this happen?
I had to return immediately to San Antonio to meet with the babysitter. Her first day was in the morning and I had to meet her before she went to work that afternoon. As I packed up my car and grabbed my son and my dogs, My friend and her fiance left in hopes of locating her purse which had gone missing the night before.about 15 minutes later, her parents showed up to check on her.Is everything OK? I got a call from my daughter on a strange number in the middle of the night. I was half asleep and I only realized that she was in trouble. Is everything OK?
I recounted the details we knew and then told them.I think I was drugged and raped. Your daughter went missing too- twice, once looking for me. Her fiance spent all night looking for both of us. We don't know what happened because nobody remembers anything.