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> In my other question where I asked about "lurch" I meant lunch, but> now that I think about it, lurch may have been slightly totally> correct, because I am feeling rather ill, and I think it is your fault> for letting me bring it up again.

> I have a list of some 314 things that I absolutely must accomplish by> the end of the day today. The minimum time required for any of them is> ten minutes. Some of them require unbounded time, and several require> hunting up or developing tools (software, hardware, hammerware, etc.)> from unknown locations.>> If we were to assume that each task took only ten minutes, then 10*314> is 3140 minutes, which is about 52 hours.>> We have not even included the time required for eating, brushing> teeth, checking e-mail, or asking questions of my Favorite Internet> Oracle.>> How can I possibly get everything done? The usual suggestion is,> "Delegate," but I delegating to myself takes extra time and> self-criticism. I've already shot myself in the foot for being so> inept. What should I do next?

} As Einstein once said, "procrastination is like a black hole, both} are attractive, but only one will make spaghetti out of you".}} Taking a leaf out of Einstein's book (he was once an amateur} botanist), we can solve your problem using basic mathematics. We know} that in 4.5 billion years or so, the Earth will be destroyed by the} sun becoming a red giant. Thus, if you haven't done everything by} then, it no longer matters.}} We can reduce the limit by noting that in 100 years time, you will be} dead anyway, and it will no longer matter. Sorry if this is a shock} to you; I'll give you some time to let this sink in. There, that} should be long enough. The point is that your arbitrary limit of "by} the end of the day" is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.}} Firstly, make a list of all the jobs that you have been asked to do} by people older than you. These can clearly be ignored as those} people will die before you, and not realise that you have no} intention of ever doing them.}} Secondly, make a list of jobs that are so important that someone else} will jump in and do them before your not doing them becomes a} problem. Ignore these as well.}} Thirdly, make a list of all the jobs that are so easy that someone} less skilled than you could do them. These are clearly not worth your} time and energy, so the person who gave you these jobs clearly hates} you. These jobs can be ignored.}} Fourthly, make a list of jobs that are too hard for you to do. The} person who gave you these jobs is clearly a moron who is unable to} delegate properly. These jobs can be ignored.}} There should now be precisely one job left on your list. Just} remember that water flows downhill.}} You owe the Oracle a PowerPoint presentation on how to procrastinate.} NOW!

} Right. The "!" operator signifies the factorial function. It is so} powerful that it can turn zero into one. Observe:}} 0! = 1}} It gets big fast. It gets so big so fast that many computation schemes} are unable to contain the result. For example, anything beyond 20!} won't fit in a 64-bit integer.}} You owe the Oracle a value for (-1)!

> My horse fell on me when we were getting ready for the 100 mile ride> to McMurdo Sound, and now I am pinned underneath him. He won't move> even if I yell and scream, which I have been doing for 6ix hours now.> It is time to bring in the cavalry to help me get out from under him,> and that's is why I am asking you. You won't laugh at me like penguins> do.>> Please hurry. It is so cold!

} I'm afraid that all the king's horses are no longer allowed to help} people who've fallen and can't get up, ever since the infamous Humpty} Dumpty incident. It turns out that horses can get really spooked when} bits of eggshell get caught in their shoes.}} You owe the Oracle a yolk yoke.

} We all know that the Bible says, "Pride goeth before a fall."}} So go and look that up. The closest you'll get is Proverbs 16:18, which} says, "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a} fall."}} I, myself, the massive and wind-driven Internet Oracle, am but an} amateur in providing profound but contradictory advice, when compared} to the Holy Bible. I was assured in my pride in my own omniscience} until I read Ephesians 2:8,9: "For by grace are ye saved through} faith--not of works." And then James 2:24: "Ye see then how that by} works a man is justified, and not by faith only."}} Yes, I can produce contradictions for you and tell you yes and no in} the same breath, and that you both CAN and CANNOT insure your pride,} but I'm nothing compared to the Bible, even though I am Pretty Damned} Good.}} You either owe the Oracle a gilded lily, or yourself a gelded willy.

> I have to write a essay about Joyce Kilmer's poem Trees.>> I'm supposed to tell why "she" wrote it.>> How can I do that without suggesting to the professor that Joyce Kilmer> wasn't "she" but was "he" because I am so awwwfully tempted to "Make A> Statement" about professorial stupidity and ignorance? Like, "Prof, you> gnumbskull, Joyce isn't "she" or "her" you iddddddiot!">> I was thinking of----> I think that I shall never see> A stupider professor than thee> but it doesn't quite scan.>> (I can resist almost anything except temptation.)

} When rating someone's poetry,} It matters not if "he" or "she",}} Dear learner whose mind is obsessed} By whether someone had a breast}} Or what form, inter alia,} They had for genitalia.}} You should not ultimately care} If dress or pants they chose to wear.}} What matters more is how their brain,} Could scenes highly nuanced explain.}} I set the test; I'm not the clot.} You're meant to read George Eliot.

} I could tell you how I came to be in possession of a wild pig with} tusks, but that would be a complete bore.}} Maybe the story of how I invented a teleportation machine that went} wrong? I was literally beside myself.}} Or perhaps the story of how the garage used the wrong shade of red on} my car? That one's a bit off-colour.}} The story of what happened when I snapped the end off my pencil? It's} rather pointless.}} Possibly the tale of how I trained a dog to roller-skate? That usually} falls flat.}} Maybe the tale of the bucket that is too big for its hole? That} usually doesn't go down well.}} Would you enjoy the story of my invention to control my TV from a} distance? Probably not even remotely.}} Perhaps the story of how I invented jewellery for sheep? That one's a} bit rambling.}} Maybe you would like the story of how my oven failed yesterday while I} was making a cake. That ended up half-baked.}} You might be intrigued to know that all the trees in my orchard caught} a rare disease last year. That tale's a bit fruitless.}} You owe the Oracle a recording of the story of the auld empty barn as} told by Private Frazer.

} Unfortunately, not everyone agrees that Trump is a bad dream.}} For example, a certain Vlad P. of Moscow is rather enjoying it.}} You owe it to the Oracle to pinch yourself every so often to see if} you can wake up.}} If nothing else, it might briefly take your mind off the pain caused} by drowning in medical bills.

> Resplurgent Oracle, you can Really Help Me this time!>> I am studying Ancient Geography History and am disconfusulated by> Macedonia and Macadamia. They seem to be different. But how? I> mentioned it to Prof. Howe, who teaches Abnormal Psychology in his> spare time, and he says anybody who lives in Macademia is nuts.