30 November 2009

Tonight I witnessed a sizeable explosion of turkey feathers and elevator indiscretion on the CW. It was Gossip Girl, and it was Thanksgiving. And let me tell you, Blair had her pie indeed.

First of all, it's highly unlikely that Serena's grandmother would deign to involve herself in a Thanksgiving dinner ichat. And yet she does it anyway, and apparently she's just survived cancer. Just give her the emmy already!

I was astounded by Serena's newfound ability to lie UNTIL OF COURSE I remembered she's been lying to Nate. Which is not to say that Nate has lost any of his newfound ability to think, or at least to give witty quips at apropos moments. Case in point: "Threesomes, man, don't believe the hype!"

Eric begins the episode by sulking around the apartment doing his best tight-flannel, floppy-brown-hair, sucked-in-V-shape-body Dan Humphrey impression. Classic older brother syndrome. Remember when he started Chucking out right after Bart and Lily's wedding? That was hilarious.

(1) Nate is in love with Serena? Since when? I guess the very beginning of the series showed us a lovelorn Nate, but that was clearly because he was still in a post-virgin haze. Why does Nate like Serena now? Have they been spending more time together than usual? Nope. They all spend time at the campaign headquarters, but I usually just see Serena and Tripp hanging out by themselves. Shouldn't Tripp be signing documents at least once in a while? Either way, Nate's never there. Although I must admit, it's really sweet to see Chuck so clearly in on Nate's secret crush, which is only natural since they spend so many boy-weekends together.

(2) Dan likes Vanessa...because he looked at her in a new way whilst threesoming with her? Here's a tip: if you like someone, you know. You're not, like, taken by surprise by your crush's loveliness for the first time in the middle of a gross college THREE-WAY starring Hillary Duff. Perhaps this new crush Dan is experiencing is actually a crush on threeways. It seems funny that no one would consider that, even though every single person responds to anything Dan says for the entire episode with "...and how long have you been in love with Vanessa?"

I'm just saying that unrequited love storylines usually provide the most effective drawn-out tension, but when they're founded on nothing, the effect is the lamest.

These act breaks are THE GREATEST. First, Lily invites every single worst possible guest to Thanksgiving (I can think of a senator's favorite wife who's about to get a BIG surprise). Then there's a huge SNL-quoting "MM Whatcha Say" remix punctuating each miniature explosion - Vanessa hates her mom! Lily just saw Serena kissing a senator on a video phone! Jenny lost her appetite (ha-ha?). I can't believe that it's 2009 and television is going where I want it to go already! A truly intertextual tv schedule! First SNL speaks to the OC's Coop-shoots-Trey scene, then Gossip Girl puts her two cents in on that. Who's next? Mad Men? Perhaps a birth-story-confession followed by another birth-story-confession punctuated by the Beach Boys singing "Yeah! Whatcha Say!"? Only in my wildest dreams. Also I suppose Josh Schwartz would have to have his finger in amc, too. All in a matter of time.

And I want to add that the scene leading into the explosionthon suggests that Lily might be a burgeoning alcoholic just like Kirsten...until every single other person in the scene takes a long, hard sip of wine, too.

Serena must emit some pheromone that keeps boys from ever having a logical thought ever again. Sure, she's no college student, but for a senator to forget that elevators have cameras? That's pretty stupid. He must be in a haze, and that explains why he couldn't wait to divorce his wife until maybe a month after his election. You know, maybe to avoid the headlines he's still in. In the newspapers.

Blair's obsession with her mother's will is upsettingly boring. I guess it adds to my observation that she's becoming more of a child as Chuck matures. She's interested in the boringest stuff ever and everyone else has to play with her - even Dorota, who's actually pregnant. Then Blair invites Serena to Paris with her that night because when we play pretend, that's what we do.

Which brings me to Serena's routine international vacation-retreats. Is she living in the 90s? Is there really still this much money in the world? Every time she takes the SAT or almost sleeps with a senator or can't go shopping, she gets to fly out to Europe. When I wanted to run away in high school, I had to settle for driving to QuikTrip.

Jenny looked a lot like Dakota Fanning in one scene, which makes me wonder if any casting directors would consider a mid-season switcheroo. I'm pretty sure she could still pull off the patterned tights. At least more than Blair or Vanessa have been able to.

Although it was odd to see Blair herself carry a smoked salmon platter into the Van Der Woodsen's, the image was easily replaced by sweet memories of Chuck immediately serving up some maturity nice and rare to Tripp and Serena. "Get serious," Chuck's new haircut seemed to say. "You want to have an affair? Try growing up." Whatever he actually said, ManChuck strikes again!

PS Serena's wearing a jumpsuit to Thanksgiving. Someone's getting some mileage out of the failed Lily-80s-show costume closet!

Here's what I think Serena's dad's letter says:

Dear Serina,

Hi! How are you???! I am still a doctor without borders. I am helping tons of tribes. Our post office is in Switzerland! What a kick!

Are you nice? I don't know because I have never met you. Did you know your mom came to get me in September and October? Then she told me I could never meet you, even in the future! What's that all about I don't know.

I guess I love you! I'm off to go do surgery. Vive le Switzerland!

nice to meet you,your namesake

So I'm guessing next week we'll find out if I'm right. And maybe we'll find out who Tripp's favorite wife is, once and for all!

28 November 2009

I still have notes sitting around from how i met your mother's two most recent episodes. I was going to throw them into a hilarious recap for you, but instead I think I might go more philosophical on himym. For instance:

Why on earth would himym insist for two years that Barney's hopelessly in love with Robin only to have them break up like it didn't matter at all? In other words, What was the point of Swarkles?

My thoughts: I mean, clearly they were trying to set up a plotline with story-changing consequences. Everyone's always tacitly wondered what's going to happen to Barney in his old age. Will he insist on staying the Wedding Singer Limo Driver Ladies' Man, or will he try to settle down with someone and figure out that there are other joys in life? And which option would Ted choose?

So finally, after planting the Barney & Robin Would Make Great Friends episode in season 1, and after having them "accidentally" sleep together, and after making every single solitary Barney joke about HOW MUCH HE LOVES ROBIN for a year and a half, those two lovebirds get together. They slip into it with the greatest of ease, even if they don't want to label it. Their honeymoon period ends, which signifies the beginning of the actual relationship. And now, eight episodes into their relationship, that's enough. Kill it.

I heard from a friend that Carter Bays et al said the writers had just simply ran out of Swarkles ideas, and Swarkles had just seemed like the thing to do at the time so it's no big deal to take it away. Either Bays has been trained to say this because the finale will bring them back together, or he's lazier than I ever picked up on.

With the end of Swarkles came a return of ladies' man Barney - i.e, the two-steps-back Barney. Who really loves to see Barney back the way he was? They've already shown us all the hilarity that ensues from his hijinx. Now we just get to see more slap carnage? (cut to Slapsgiving 2) Not a great payoff. And Robin, wow, don't get me started on that. She walks around like she's an actual character, even though the show has already made it perfectly clear that she's only really there for Ted or for Ted via Barney. Her own storylines are so lame - she dates Sandy Stormy or whatever, she goes to a Canadian bar (which WAS hilarious but was quickly followed up by not ONE but TWO greencard episodes AND a guess-the-canadian-sex-position episode)- not interesting stuff here. Just be with Barney and stop shoving Canada in my face every time I open my mouth to eat!

So they got together, and then they got apart. Obviously there's still time for fall-out. All I'm saying is I was SO against Swarkles back when it was just Barney's one-sided pathetic obsession, but they got me to like it eventually (!), only to take it away before the end of November.

I guess I always knew Lily would end up with Barney, Marshall would end up with Ted, and Robin would end up alone, "just like she always wanted." I just didn't count on my heart getting caught up in the mess.

27 November 2009

...and yet somehow there's a Fridanksgiving meal on its way! Right now it's hanging out around the kitchen. It's not ready yet.

I just figured for your sake I'd mention that I didn't get a haircut, didn't get a turkey until Thanksgiving morning, only BARELY watched tv (come on), and came up with an outfit 7 minutes before dinner last night. So if you skipped a few items on your own to-do list, you're just like me: still great!

Also I purchased a typewriter on ebay for just under $30 (that's including shipping) and boy oh boy, are you getting a great-looking Holiday Card this December!

In preparation for the holiday season, I've begun to put red noses on every moose head item in my house. This includes my toothbrush holder, a majestic poster in Colin's room, and the shower curtain. And the barbie horse with brown pipe cleaners around its head that stands atop the printer. Pictures to follow.

22 November 2009

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the glorious holiday feast that must happen four days from now? Are you feeling the extra pressure, seeing as it's FINALLY Thanksgiving on November 26th (aka Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving (probably because the first Thanksgiving I remember fell on the 26th))? Do you even have your turkey yet?

IF you answered yes, yes, and no, then this is the list for you. I figured if I have to get a list going to get myself ready for Thanksgiving, why not make it public? This way we all win.

Now, my Thanksgiving feast will happen on Friday, as I have a family Thanksgiving to attend on Thursday (one which will not yield me any leftovers BUT AT ALL). This means I must look good on Thursday and cook good on Friday. Here we go.

Honey Do!SUN

figure out who's going to give me a haircut before Thurs

watch a lot of tv

maybe I'll try to grab a turkey today wouldn't that be smart!

MON

look for recipes for Friday's cookstravaganza. I already have a turkey/gravy recipe. Check!

watch tv

TUES

Finalize menu for Friday. There is still time to change the menu before Weds. Do not panic.

Think of something to wear on Thursday

Try to watch tv even though there's nothing on on Tuesdays. Perhaps watch Food Network for menu ideas

WEDS

enjoy my final day of work before Thanksgiving

go food shopping after work for friday's feastravaganza

rewatch last week's antm finale to lessen withdrawal

prepare a pie thing? early? this will be more clear after my monday/tuesday recipe legwork

THURS

watch the parade (on tv)

shower and put on makeup and clothes, plus perfume

do hair

get to dinner on time

maybe make some more things in the morning for friday

FRI

Cook it all up

Watch tv

Eat

Stuffed and passed out by 8pm!

Preliminary Menu:Turkey and Gravy (my first whole turkey YIKES BIKES)StuffingYams with pecansA vegetable or two, but preferably not green bean casserolePie/sCranberry sauceRolls or CornbreadHow could I forget?! A nice festive soup to begin with! Probably squash based. With white wine and peanuts in it.

Feel free to use the list in any way that will optimally help you plan your Thanksgiving week. Just don't try to show up to Thanksgiving wearing what I'm wearing. That would be "going too far."

18 November 2009

At first I thought I might recap Top Chef just as thoroughly as I'm recapping other shows. Then I realized it's a seriously boring recap, and I don't have fast enough fingers to capture each menu that appears on the screen. Look, if my fingers aren't fast enough, whose could be?! So instead of doing a proper recap, I'm just going to give a few observations.

Padma Lakshmi made a grammar error. She said "the criteria for this challenge is this, this, and that." What must Salman Rushdie think of subject-verb agreement?

My dream is that one day, I'll be able to watch Top Chef and recognize the "famous chefs" before the bottom third has to explain who they are/why they're "famous."

Hey look at this: ELImination! This seems like something people might bring up.

ANTM Crossover:There is a certain rule of thumb that works similarly for both Top Chef and America's Next Top Model:

If you try to defend why your meat was undercooked, the judges are just going to say, "there is no excuse."

and similarly,If you try to suggest that you gave better poses during the shoot than the chosen photo, Tyra Banks will cut you off with a strong, beautiful "I chose this frame for a reason!" Remember earlier this cycle, when she was like "YOU FORGET YOUR EYES, JENNIFER!!!"

That's basically it for me and Top Chef, not Top Scallop. I wish Fabio were still on.

1. Nicole is a Colorado artist with a bloody eyeball that she BRAGS about and a "subdued personality." Naturally, she's going to win.

2. Laura has everything going for her - vivacity, charm, an accent that just won't quit, and phenomenal photographability. But she wears homemade clothes in judging, so of course she's going to lose.

Thoughts from the beginning of the episode:

There's finally going to be an Erin-free episode!

Has anyone ever figured out if the theme song background singing says "NA nana nana na" or "MODel model model"?

Listening to Nicole and Laura try to give usable dialogue for the editors is like watching two kindergarteners having the first conversation of their entire lives. "I want to win." "Me, too."

Thoughts from the Challenge:

Probably the best cycle 13 moment is when Nicole and Laura are trying to memorize lines, and as dyslexic Laura struggles in the background, we see Nicole in front, proudly biting her lip and smiling as if to say "YES! Fully memorized. Laura's never gonna know what hit her."

The girls shoot a Covergirl commercial wherein they play two friends hiking in Hawaii with makeup. I wish I could see these commercials while I'm watching regular tv.

Bringing Teyona back is like a slap in the face. Can't we all agree to forget?

Classic Nigel: As soon as Jay Manuel introduces him as the photographer, Nigel hulks towards the girls and slurs "HIII, LADIES."

Nicole on set, giddily: "I'm not wearing sunscreen and I don't care!!!"

As Nicole rubbernecks to see Laura's runway walk across the bathroom, her VO says, "It's hard because we ARE friends...but that has to end now."

Thoughts on the Runway:

Nope, no Erin-free episode in the entire season. Maybe next time, Becky.

Beautiful, not only do the last six contestants walk in the show, but Eddie Murphy's daughter Bria does, too. Why wasn't she on Top Model?

The Walks: Nicole refuses to do any walk besides the Cowboy-with-bruised-testicles. Laura always needs a little bit more attitude. Laura wins the runway, but not before writhing in gales of wind and glitter with her former co-contestants in the middle of the catwalk. This ought to go over well with the Parents Association of Improper TV That I Watch.

Nicole says that she wants to win because, "it would be the biggest bummer...to lose."

Josh is still convinced that "Laura" is a character piece, and that win or lose, she'll end up like "Oi! That's alroight! Back to the outback where oi started!"

ONE OF THE FEW INSTANCES WHERE TYRA IS COMPLETELY WRONG: Suggesting that Nicole's Clomp Clomp could be called a "signature walk." Come on, Tyra, don't do this!

Classic Tyra, talking to Laura: "Hold on, hold on. Dyslexia who?"

During deliberation, Miss J sits there with two huge shoulder poofs and somehow still manages to ask if Nicole can "control her shoulders." Really.

Then Miss J quickly follows up with a clever, implicit suggestion that America's First Petite Top Model will actually be his penis. Take that, cutting room floor!

Tyra's consolation speech to Laura was like watching two kindergarteners break up for the first time of their entire lives. "You are pretty." "I really wanted to win."

In conclusion, clearly Laura should have won. Actually, I would place it like this: Laura gets first place, and Tyra and Nicole share second. Miss J can have third.

And don't forget, we now have two champion Nicoles to keep straight. Will the next cycle be a Championship cycle, wherein each winner returns to compete against the rest of the winners?! I WOULD PRODUCE THAT MYSELF.

16 November 2009

I was told Lady Gaga would be narrating the entire episode, rather than appearing in just one awkwardly-placed concert insert. I was told wrong.

Reading through the notes I took during the episode, it seems that various storylines occurred this week: Not only did three very-close college students maintain a surprisingly unsloppy relationship, but Blair lost a my-diddums-is-more-powerful-than-yours match, and Jenny did some stuff! I'm still experimenting with format here, but I think I'm going to basically say a few things in paragraph form and then go through my notes in perhaps a bullet-point list. Hey, that link to the right doesn't say "potentially stolen from" for nothing.

I forgot why Nate and Vanessa broke up in the first place. Maybe here would be the perfect place to introduce my gossip boy/girl theory. I propose that each character on the show can be accurately described in a few adjectives (e.g. Blair is Rich, Conniving, and In The End A Good Friend). Using these adjectives, you can pair up the boy characters to their precisely equal girl characters. Chuck is also Rich, Conniving, and In The End a Good Friend. See? They're the same! The rest pair up like this: Nate & Serena (Rich, Ditzy, and Moderately Slutty), Jenny & Eric (Outcasts, Experimenting with Looks, and Too Young To Know Anything Yet), Rufus & Lily (Old, Parents, Each Other's True Love), Dan & Vanessa (Pseudointellectual, Brooklyn, and In Love With The Rich, Ditzy One), and hmmmm who else? Is there anyone else? Who would Georgina match up with? Wow, I'd hate to find out.

Which brings me to Nate's line near the end of the episode: "You can count on me always" Wow, well said, Nate. And totally untrue, and you're too dumb to notice.

Lately people are addressing Vanessa by her last name, which happens to be my last name, and it's weird when she just had an unplanned (yet surprisingly unsloppy) threeway with the people who keep shouting "Abrams!" across NYU's various coffee shops.

Jenny's reading Nylon. +3

At some point, apparently Chuck says something to Rufus. Cut to Josh on the couch next to me: "Since when has Chuck deigned to speak to Rufus?"

I guess Blair's trying to replace the headband with A BERET. Rock Bottom must be around here somewhere!

Regarding the scene during which I missed LITERALLY two words:me: wait, Lizzie McGuire's going to have Dan write a play?colin: Dan will take her to the cabaret.me: Dan and Blair?

Serena's shoulder pads: Doing their best to keep the neckline up while also keeping the hemline WAY up.

Trip's wife "Who wants to take their favorite wife to brunch?" - yikes, she already acknowledges that there's more than one "wife" in the picture

Look, review the play on that one. This camera phone image takes it all down to the backdrop's level.

I had a note about Vanessa looking like blue Stevie Nicks. That probably makes sense for something.

Serena was 13 when Jude Law's Alfie came out? Solidly born between 1990 and 1991. Mystery Solved.

I was kind of hoping the Belgian with the Dinghy would give Jenny some of that E he's selling. On a remote controlled boat.

Nate: "Post Threesome Stage One." Suddenly, Nate is becoming something. Perhaps it's the Core Curriculum. Either way, he's accessing the knowledge in his brain more easily, and he even makes mean jokes to Dan's face! If that's not the sign of increasing intelligence, I don't know what is. Tess: "He's like a freelance musketeer."

I forgot all writers could jump back and forth among forms. Dan the novelist/essayist is now also a playwright. Which suggests that my next move will be menopause-prescription-fine-print-copywriting. If Only!

Update: Jenny & Drugs. Tess: "It's about time Jenny got involved with drugs." Josh: "Does she still go to school?"

Some mean-girl extra, in response to Lizzie McGuire's accusation that Vanessa is in love with Dan: "It is true."

"Alternachick Abrams"

I liked the Serena/Nate "What are we doing" scene better when it was Zack Morris and Jessie Spano rehearsing their kiss for the Snow White Rap.

Once again, Chuck saves the day. His new leaf has remained turned since Lily's near-rape at the opera bathroom last season.

I'm pretty happy that Chuck is turning into a third adult on the show. It's a shame that Blair has to turn into a baby in order for this to happen. It also throws off my gossip boy/girl theory, but I can keep working on that.

In grade school, it was the desk with no basket underneath for me to rest my feet. In college, it was the molded plastic chair that routinely chopped off my feet at the ankle whenever I chose to sit indian-style. You know what IT is. And although you may share my troubles, here follows a list comprised solely of:

Chairs I Have Exceptional Difficulty Sitting In

1. The Papasan Chair.

I mention that I can't handle a Papasan chair and people look at me like I'm crazy. "But it's so much fun, Becky!" "Just sit still and maybe you wouldn't fall so much, Becky!" If I could sit in this chair, I would, but as it stands, the Papasan is a Very Difficult Chair for me to sit in. And if I am sitting in it, it's most definitely facing the ceiling, which means I need help getting out.

2. A Chair Made Of Cardboard Rolls.

PINCH! PINCH! PINCH! PINCH!

3. The Hanging Chair.

What, for when I go hiking? I might as well be wearing a full-body cast if I'm going to try to look natural in a hanging chair.

4. The Tub Chair.

Yes, I could sit in this...IF I WANTED TO TAKE A SIDEWAYS BATH HONESTLY!

5. The Loop Chair.

??

...inside?

6. The Naked Lady Chair.

Not even in private!!!

7. The Musical Chair.

Obviously the most comfortable chair in the world. Prepare to keep your own nether regions hoist up!

8. Lamb Chair.

What if you sat down in the dark and felt this chair's wool and you were like "wow, what a dreamy chair!" and then suddenly the lights came on and it was this complete sheep face nightmare!?!

9. The Gun Chair.

Why don't they go ahead and install that inflatable donut thing on it, too, for when I inevitably shoot my buns off.

10. The Ultimate Slap In The Face Chair."No, you may not."

And just to make chairkind feel a little less self-conscious, here's my favorite chair to sit in:

15 November 2009

Josh and Colin have entered into a Wonderful Pistachio video contest. This means they brought home five million prop pistachios. After we put literally as many pistachios as would fit in our bodies into our bodies, we had leftover pistachios. And so today became: PISTACHIO DAY.

To celebrate, I ate more pistachios and made pistachio sweets two ways.

The recipe:Makes 12.You need a very clean, dry bowl for beating egg whites, so I do that step first. They’ll be fine standing for a few minutes while you prepare the rest of the batter (and you don’t have to worry about cleaning the bowl twice).

1. Preheat oven to 350º. Coat a 12-cup muffin tin with cooking spray. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, pistachios, baking powder and salt; set aside. Stir extracts into the milk; set aside.

2. Beat the egg whites until stiff but not dry. Carefully transfer to a bowl and set aside.

3. Add the butter and sugar to the mixing bowl; fit mixer with paddle attachment. Beat until mixture is fluffy. On low speed, gradually add flour mixture. Slowly pour in milk-extract combination, and beat until just mixed (at this point, the batter will be very thick – do not over beating or it will create a tough crumb).

4. Fold in the beaten egg whites. Evenly spoon batter into prepared muffin tin. Bake for 13 to 15 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Top with Pistachio Frosting.

In closing, your honor, I didn't do any tv recapping today, but I certainly did honor Pistachio Day. And then I let you in on it, which is half the secret. What's the other half of the secret to blogging? Nice try. Great try, really. Even I don't know the other half. I would assume it has to do with html. I still think html is l33t speak for hotmail.

13 November 2009

In the good old days, Becklectic was all over the place. You might have said it was rather eclectic! That was the point of naming it Becklectic. That it was about a lot of things.

Then after three great years, we had a real stinker year. Everything was "I hate health insurance" and "with the younger girls it's always 'let's go camping.'" I mean, even I stopped reading it. And I don't blame me.

Then suddenly I graduated college and spent a year doing NOTHING but reading television recaps. Probably to make it look like I really am going to have a career involving television, even if I have nothing to do with the industry in any way. AND SO:

BECKLECTIC HAS DECIDED:

TO GO RECAP.

That's right, I'll be recapping all the television I watch. It will be like you're Nielsen and I'm every family with a box. You might not even have to watch tv anymore!! I wouldn't recommend quitting tv, but you're obviously allowed to do whatever you want, now that we're not married anymore. God, it's like I can't even say the word! This is ridiculous. Divorce. Divorced! We are divorced! But you can still read my recaps.

I'm projecting recaps of the following series:America's Next Top Model

as well as occasionally:Must-See Thursday (including It's Always Sunny) (not including Community or Parks & Recreation, or at least not yet)Gossip Girl MAYBEhow i met your motherI would have done Dollhouse but it JUST GOT CANCELED.