Theresa May’s advisers tell her to pick a football team and ‘stick to it stupid’

Theresa May’s advisers have told her to let the public know which football team she supports – and that its very important that she remembers which one she picked.

Sir Charles Robertson-Bailey is an Oxford professor who acts as a consultant in working class peculiarities for the Conservative party. He told Scoop Alley: “Supporting a football team is a great way to show the plebs that you are one of them.

“It worked wonders for her predecessor who had everyone believing he was a man of the people by telling them to refer to him using the common-man alias ‘Dave’ and posing as a lifelong supporter of the team Aston Villa.

“Everybody fell for it hook, line and sinker. It was a great way to shake off his Eton and Oxford image.”

However, in a later blunder, Dave said he hoped people would become West Ham fans. For the first time his mask had slipped people realised that he wasn’t a real Villa fan, just a villain.

All the pieces fell into place; the family history of slave trading and money hidden offshore, the expensive education, the pig, the human rights violating policies – this guy was no man of the people!

Sir Charles continued: “This is a big no no among the working class. Once you have picked a team that is it – you should only support one team. Even if they’re ruddy useless you can’t change. It’s fascinating.

“In fact the shitter the team are, the prouder the plebs get for supporting them. It’s a wonder they don’t all love the Conservative government.”

It is expected that Mrs May will select a team that reflects her desire to appeal to everybody and not just the privileged few.

Sir Charles said: “The obvious choices are Chelsea and Manchester United. I believe both teams are universally loved by the masses – and both have proved willing to use their excess money to maintain the status quo and hold down any competition from upstarts who get too big for their boots, which will keep the right wing of the party happy.”

At which point Mrs May walked into the room and said: “Fuck that Charles. I’m Millwall through and through.”