10 Sex Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself

I’m an ob-gyn who travels the country lecturing about sex—but believe it or not, I haven’t always known how to enjoy my body. I had my first orgasm at 30, and now I consider it my job to make sure women don’t have to wait as long as I did. I got there by unlearning everything I’d been taught about sex.

I can remember being seven years old and hearing my mom spell “s-e-x” while talking to a friend on the porch of our house in Alabama. From her hushed tone, I knew she was talking about something very naughty. As I got older, I was told to “keep your panties up and your dress down,” common advice for Southern girls. (I was even instructed to scrub my “down there” quickly, lest I discover the pleasure that bathing could bring.) I dutifully saved my virginity for marriage and didn’t like sex once I had it. I faked orgasms for years. I’d hear friends talk about doing this or that in bed and looking forward to getting their partners naked and I’d wonder, What the heck is wrong with me?

Why I ever decided to become an ob-gyn I can’t tell you, but I’m so glad I did—in part because it was my patients who helped snap me out of my pleasureless fog. They asked me questions about sex, not just vaginas or babies. I remember one patient asked, “Is anal sex safe?” My first thought was “That’s illegal in Alabama!” but I gave the best answer I could. It became clear that I needed to learn more about sexuality—for my patients and for me. I started by reading everything I could get my hands on: sex therapy textbooks, magazine articles, sex manuals like The Joy of Sex. I’d seen plenty of other women’s private parts, but never my own, so—yep—I grabbed a mirror and took a look. When that first orgasm happened, it wasn’t some skilled loverboy who showed me how; it was me. As I got more comfortable with my body, I actually wanted to share it with someone else—and my next sexual experiences were, well, pretty damn fantastic. Today, I’ve been married for 20 years and have a fulfilling and adventurous sex life. Having made my own transformation from prude to sex expert, I want to help other women get the satisfaction they deserve. By the time you’ve finished this (very personal!) self-survey, your eyes will be open to what’s really going right, and wrong, for you in bed. May the rest be X-rated history.

1. What do I really think about sex?

We women are supposed to be so empowered these days—in command of our careers, our bank accounts and our sex lives. But if you grew up in a home that taught you sex was shameful, those old messages could be living on in your subconscious, mucking things up in the bedroom. They certainly did for me. To start tackling my sexual baggage, I made a list of all the negative messages I’d received about sex and then wrote positive ones next to them: “Only bad girls enjoy sex” became “Every girl deserves to enjoy sex.” Then, when one of those old thoughts entered my mind—in bed or out of it—I had a positive one ready to replace it with. It actually turned into a fun bedroom game that served a dual purpose: getting me over my hang-ups and getting me in the mood.

2. Do I know my parts as well as I do his?

A common lament I hear from women is “He can’t find my clitoris.” We expect men to know where the sweet spot is, but can we give them much more than basic directions? The pea-size tissue you see between the labia is the tip of the iceberg—the full clitoris fans out deep into the pelvis. I often give couples a lesson I call Clitoris 101. The basic premise? Don’t go straight for the “pea.” It has so many nerve endings that stimulating it before you are fully aroused can be uncomfortable. Instead, touching the labia and rim of the vagina and putting pressure on the mound where hair grows first boosts blood flow to the entire area, giving more pleasure and stronger orgasms. Ignoring all the stuff around the “pea” is like touching just the head of a man’s penis. (What man wouldn’t gently correct us if we tried that?)

3. What’s my express route to orgasm?

Where does it feel most natural to be touched? What speed or pressure works best for you? Is there a go-to fantasy (oh, yes sir, Officer…) that brings you to climax like clockwork? If you can’t rattle off the answers to these questions, figure them out—knowing how to give yourself pleasure is key to being able to enjoy yourself with someone else. One patient of mine found that her best masturbation fantasy was a menage a trois with two men; another figured out that touching herself felt best when she lay on her stomach. Once you know exactly what gets you there, you can show your partner—or just let your mind wander back to it when you need a little push over the edge.

4. Do I ever let him do all the work?

Hopefully, the answer is yes—you deserve to get as good as you give. But so many women think their partner’s pleasure is more important than their own. One patient told me she’d read everything written about fellatio, and even when her partner was trying to please her, she was distracted, thinking about what tricks she’d use on him next. Enough’s enough. You know how satisfied it makes you feel when you give your partner a really good time? He’ll feel the same way if you lie back and let him do it for you.

5. Am I OK with my body?

The way you feel about your body directly and profoundly affects your sexuality. One woman I treated had always had a satisfying sex life—until she had a baby. Then she felt fat, hated the new shape of her breasts and missed her prebaby abs. And when her husband touched her in those vulnerable places, she’d push his hands away. Eventually, she started avoiding sex altogether. It may sound corny, but I told her to buy a journal and record in it one positive thing about her body every day. When a month had passed and she hadn’t run out of things to write, she finally accepted the truth: Her body was worth appreciating, and satisfying, just as it was. (Exercise helps too— it produces chemicals that can actually ramp up sex drive and arousal.)

6. Do I have sex for the right reasons?

I’ve handed my office Kleenex box to too many women who felt empty, sad or lonely after a sexual experience. Bad sex with someone you love is one thing—sex that makes you feel bad about yourself is another thing altogether. The latter almost always happens when the circumstances that got you into bed in the first place are overly complicated. Take a minute to remember the last few times you had sex and why you did it—and then, this is key, think about the quality of the sex in each of those cases. Great reasons to have sex: You want to connect; you’re making up after a fight; it’s a celebration (wedding night, anniversary); you’re making a baby; you’re horny, pure and simple. Not-so-great reasons to have sex: You want him to stay the night; you want to avoid a fight; you want someone to love you; you’re afraid he’ll leave you if you don’t. Think about it. Sex is always better and more deeply satisfying when your motivation for doing it is simple and healthy.

7. Can I rank my top five touch-me zones?

For a truly fulfilling sex life, a woman needs to discover the pleasure spots that aren’t covered by her undies. One of my patients found that nipple stimulation alone could bring her to orgasm. Another found a soft, sensitive point on the backs of her knees that made her crazy. I’ve got a spot behind my right ear that makes my toes curl. Your assignment: Start exploring on your own, with a feather, a vibrator, your hands, whatever, and find your top five most touchable spots. You’ve got to come up with at least five. Then show them to your partner so he can push your buttons better.

8. Do I have “vagina anxiety”?

I’ve lost track of how many patients have come into my office anxious about the size or length of their labia, or the way they smell or taste. In fact, one of the most common questions I get is “Am I normal down there?” As 1970s as it sounds, I recommend using a mirror to have a peek, like I did. Otherwise, just take my word for it: Unless you’re fighting chronic infections or have labia so large that it hurts to wear underwear, you are normal. And whether you agree or not, men think we’re pretty darn good-looking down there—I hear it from my patients’ husbands and boyfriends all the time. Still, no matter what men think, you need to learn to like your sexual parts. If that means blowing this month’s shoe budget on a Brazilian wax, fine—whatever works for you. Me? I go for gorgeous underwear. There’s nothing like wearing La Perla to make me want to take off my La Perla.

9. What does my face look like five minutes after sex?

Get up and look at yourself in the bathroom mirror after sex. Are you flushed, spacey-looking, smiling? Or are you frowning a little, furrowing your brow, distracted? Sometimes we need to ask our bodies, not our brains, if we like sex—the mind can justify so-so experiences, but your face in the mirror at 2 A.M. can’t lie. And if you don’t like what you see? Climb back into bed and get yourself some sleep already! You can wait till morning to ask yourself question number 10, which might well change everything….

10. Have I told him 90 percent* of this stuff?

(*The other 10 percent can stay between you and your Sevens.) When it comes to talking to your partner, my advice is simple: Tell him what makes you the crazy-wonderful sexual being you are, and ask him to give your crazy-wonderful naked body exactly what it needs. You request exactly what you crave from waiters all the time—salad instead of fries, fizzy water, extra sauce—so why not do the same with your lover? Believe me, he’ll give you what you want—you’re a big tipper!

Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., is an ob-gyn in New York City, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University and author of Pleasure: A Woman’s Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need, and Deserve. She writes a monthly sexual health column for Glamour and a daily column on glamour.com.