What type of games do you enjoy? MMO's only Collectable card games (such as EVE Online, Magic etc) Dungeons & Dragons, roleplaying games Other IRL dice throwing games Other games? There's only EVE! All kind of games, I like to try anything Any game where I can be _evil_...

I am a pirate and I am the most ruthless kind. A true pirate through and through. I only care about getting a lot of good kills, loot, and ransom by any means. I play eve to blow stuff up. I don’t care about people’s feelings and I’m not bound by some higher moral code in this video game. My loyalty is to my friends, my corp, and my alliance and no one else. I think role players and carebears are generally weak and pathetic and most pirates agree with me. I think these mislead kinds of mentalities are something to be ashamed of, where as they would probably feel the same about pirating.

I’ve been in one of the most ruthless pirate corporations and alliances in eve and I have come to tell of one of the most hilarious pirating stories I can remember, because everyone loves a good laugh.
Our whole alliance existed in one low sec system that bordered a busy high sec area. Anything that came into the system that wasn’t blue died and most residents of the area steered clear of the system.

This fine evening I was waiting at a perch in my Megathron with some mates and ready to pounce on anything that came to the gate. Randomly, I got a convo from a neutral in system I had never met. Some pilots had been trying to locate him for about 15 minutes but he was nowhere to be found. I am not sure why he convoed me out of everyone in system… but I prefer to think it was fate.
Me - “How can I help you?”
Him -”I need some help”
Me - “Sure man, what can I do for you”
Him - “Well I am having trouble with this mission and I could really use some help. These ships are really kicking my butt.”
I’m thinking this guy can’t be serious. He comes into our system, a low sec system known for its pirate presence, to run a mission and then convo’s someone with a negative 8 security status to get help with it? I’m thinking this has to be Christmas.
Me - “Well what level mission is it and what are you flying so I know what to bring. Should I be tanked for sansha or guristas?”
Him - “It’s a level 4 and I’m in my raven. Its just my regular tank. I don’t know what you mean.”
Me - “Hold on a minute, let me grab my ship.”

He actually told me what he was flying and I confirmed it by d-scan. All the intel I could ever hope for. I get on voice coms and I tell everyone in system whats going on. We all meet at the perch and I tell everyone to hold and not say anything in local. After all, we were hoping it was a trap.

Me - “Well I’m ready. Why don’t you join our fleet so I can warp to you.”
Him - “Join your fleet? Ok sure”
HAHAHA! He actually joined the fleet with my entire alliance in it! We all warped to the mission gate and warped into the mission grid at the same time. He was 50k from the warp in point and he freaked out when he saw all the ships we brought and immediately warped off. Aww, crap. I tell everyone to start shooting the rats and stay at the warp in.
Me - “Where did you go? We all came in to help you with your mission? Come back dude we need your help with this. We are taking a lot of damage and some of us have to warp out.”
Him - “Sorry, I saw a bunch of flashy red guys and I ran. I’ll come back.”
Me - “Hurry up we need your help.”
Him – “I’m coming.”

I told everyone in voice coms he was coming back and they kept pretending to help with the mission. He warped back in. He was immediately tackled and my alliance opened fire. I shouted in local “Hey guys what are you doing?” (pause) “No don’t shoot him he is the friendly we are helping! Shoot the rats not him!” Meanwhile we are all laughing so hard in voice coms we can barely breathe. Tears streaming down my face I am laughing so hard. His ship pops fast under the hail storm of dps and he warps out of system in his pod. The walk of shame.

Him - “What the hell man?? You blew me up?”
Me - “Im so sorry dude it was a mistake. I didn’t shoot you at all, check your killmail. They thought you were neutral and panicked. Bunch of morons. I told them not to shoot you. I can’t believe I asked them to help. They killed most of the ships in this mission for you though. I can help you finish your mission if you want. I won’t ask for their help this time. I just thought they would get it done faster. Do you have any other ships?”
Him – “Its ok man I understand I guess. Yea I have a brutix I just bought in Dodixie and I need to fit it. Let me go get it.”

Im thinking, he cant be serious can he? Is he really going to go get another ship for us to kill? All my alliance mates let the GCC wear off and they go wait on gate. About 20 minutes pass go by and I hear a roar of laughter in voice coms.

Him – “They blew me up.”
Me – “Huh?”
Him –“They just blew up my brutix when I jumped into system”
Me – “You gotta be kidding me. I told them you were coming and not to shoot you. I am so sorry dude. I should have linked your name and stuff. They just said they didn’t realize it was you. What a bunch of idiots. We have had a lot of ships come through here in the last few minutes and they thought you were with them.”
Him – “I thought you told them not to shoot me.”
Me – “I did I swear! Do you still want to finish this mission? I can’t do it alone.”
Him – “I guess. The only ship I have left is my merlin and I don’t have any money left. Fitting that brutix was all I had”
Me – “That merlin should be enough.”

Sure enough he comes back into system and gets insta-popped on gate by everyone waiting for him, haha. This was back when there were only one size of rig and they were expensive as hell. We found out when we posted the killmail that he had rigged his frigate and it was worth 20-30 million isk, lol!
He finally realized he had been had.

Me – “What did you learn? Never trust a pirate.”

We blew up every last asset he had and he kept coming back again and again. Stupidity is the only constant in the eve universe and my ship is fueled by carebear tears. The odd thing is I didn’t get on any of the killmails because if I had, he wouldn’t have believed I was on his side. It was still some of the most fun I’ve had in the game and one of my finest displays of my talent as a scammer. I did take the time afterward to tell him every stupid mistake he had made and try to make sure he learned his lesson well. I normally don’t do that but I thought after all he had lost, he should walk away with something priceless – how to make sure it never happens again.

I am not with that corp anymore, but I have to admit I will always miss it.

LMFAO!!!! Ya know you'd think he'd get it certainly after the Brutix but then he goes and proves yet again that there's no minimum intelligence required to play this game. Ya know this story seems very familiar to me. Like maybe a friend from turbulent subversion told me. Spathi, Shadowjet or Stonedog.....hard for me to remember everything from back then seeing as how I was almost purpetually shit faced at the time. What system was this?

It was difficult, but I have intentionally left out my corp and alliance name, as well as the system we operated in. Though I have tried to represent them well. I wrote this story to entertain, not to impress, and I would like to avoid any prideful comparisons or eve politics. My name is Damien 1 and you are welcome to friend me in game and I will answer any questions you may have. Cheers mate.