SYDNEY, Australia -- Monty Panesar was racially attacked by a fan during England's match against New South Wales in Sydney on Sunday, England and Wales Cricket Board spokesman has confirmed (in Hindi). Apparently a fan whirled out of nowhere and came charging at a frightened Monty.

While it's true, England's coach confirmed, that Panesar had been counselled to deal with such racist attacks from spectators (especially white spectators, especially wasted white supremacist trash) in Australia before their impending tour, Monty was ill prepared for a three bladed spinning fan headed directly for his flanks. Monty managed to suspend the fan in mid-air with his hypnotic yoga skills and questioned it's purpose? The fan, in a reasoned response, argued that it had come to see England fight Australia, viz. the Queen's chosen children fight the children of renegade and unrepentant white convicts but was shocked to see a nigger in the garb of an English cricketer play for England. He felt cheated and wanted his money back or, failing which, the back of Monty. At this Monty dropped the discourse, the ball, his visa and fled. He lost consciousness before he could cross the breadth of the cricket field; the fan, fortuitously, was stowed away by Australian air conditioners before it could hit Monty. When approached, Cricket Australia's Peter Young remarked that he had been apprised of the incident by Monty but was unable to comment since Monty's testimony was mostly in Hindi.

Reuters reports that one fan even shouted that Monty would go home on elephants. [sic] When contacted, Yahoo Answers commented that it was true that Monty was Indian, that elephants could swim and that people who still rode elephants were obviously stupid, so technically there was nothing disparaging, racist or even remotely outrageous about the observation that the stupid Indian (Monty) would go home (India) astride an elephant. In an example, Yahoo Answers clarified, "I'm white, racist and stupid but I wouldn't throw a tiff if someone called me all of that, okay?"

Speaking to the Australian media (that was still in two minds about reporting or condemning the issue first) Young confirmed that security would be beefed chickened up for the five-Test Ashes series that started in Brisbane next week.

When approached, a beleaguered Monty gave his narration of the events in the Indic language Humanity but regrettably we (this reporter) does not understand Humanity - not that you, the reader, would like us (this reporter) to.

More than 10% of London is Asian. The comment from a random white spectator who was queried while he was leaving the stadium after the match was "When did this happen?"

With all white spectators wanting their money back (well the non-white spectators never made it home), CA is confronted with an unprecedented crisis for refund of ticket monies.