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9/21/13

Parking Attendants

Out in the country and at the beaches, if there are places to park, there is also a man wearing some sort of fluorescent safety vest, strap, tape, etc., who is the “Parking Attendant.” Considering the auto break-in rate in most areas, paying someone to watch your car while you’re away, in theory, is an excellent idea.

The problem I have with this is that these **ahem** “Parking Attendants” always seem to look an awful lot like the person I think I want my car guarded from. Your nice and friendly crack addict with rotted front teeth. The eerie looking man who plucks his beard hairs in a broken piece of mirror and that all of my dogs seem to want to kill?? The drunken sailor who I think may be an American who I believe has the beginning stages of gangrene in his feet due to diabetes angry because of years of alcohol ingestion.

It’s a strange lil’ business. They don’t work for anyone, no one hires them. They just show up and charge what they think they can get. This is a pretty good deal because in reality, they do watch your car and it is how they buy their drugs and alcohol….so…that’s sort of an honest living…at least from one perspective. And really, if you think about it, you have to appreciate the honesty in it all. “Look, I could just break in your car and steal your crap, but why don’t you pay me not to.”

Usually they’re harmless but there have been a few strange ones. There was the ridiculously unconvincing 50'ish transvestite that liked to wear cut off t-shirts that showed his (eerrr..) her pot potbelly. Or the super eerie, deep set eyed, red faced man who turned out to be the world’s best mariachi singer. Who knew!?!? And my personal favorite, the 12 year old juvenile hall escapee that kept saying “Mmmmm mamacita” every time I walked by.

Yeah, thanks kid. I’m flattered. Really.

While walking around a local city this week doing some errands, I noticed a very intoxicated Parking Attendant teetering, loudly negotiating a “surveillance” deal with a European looking man. I came across the same Parking Attendant about 20 minutes later on the way back…executing an excellent visual of himself hard at work.