It’s not looking good for those of you clinging to some hope that this Daniel Bryan vs. Wyatt Family thing is heading anywhere interesting. Despite WWE’s best efforts Daniel Bryan was the most important person in the world on Raw Monday, and the most important person in the world isn’t about to become a Bray Wyatt lackey.

They more or less blew off the feud here on Smackdown — not only did Bryan outwit and escape all three Wyatts, but he knocked Bray out of his rocking chair. That damn chair is Bray’s urn or gold medals — messing with is the ultimate offense and Bryan just sort of casually did it as he was making his way up the ramp. WWE is clearly done with this storyline, which is a shame, at least in theory — like all things Bray Wyatt, reality was never going to live up to the storyline you fantasy booked in your head.

Best: Zeb, Bigg Hoss & Toni vs. Santa Claus

I don’t believe we’ve discussed Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro’s ring jackets in these Smackdown reviews before, so let’s rectify that. Bigg Hoss and Toni — I don’t know where these giant screaming men with the xenophobic gimmick get off being so loveable.

Zeb Colter ranting against the menace of immigrants from the north pole and calling Santa Claus, Señor Claus because all immigrants are secretly Mexican is the kind of silliness I’m fine with WWE deploying. It’s an established character being taken to a ridiculous extreme as opposed to random stupidity. It’s the difference between the Daniel Bryan anger management skits and R-Truth in a Sherlock Holmes hat. It’s actual comedy writing vs. the lazy s–t we get in its place 95% of the time. I have a feeling Colter comes up with most of his promos himself, in which case, take some notes from Yosemite Sam WWE writing team.

Best: Some Combination of Rhodeses and Real Americans Will Never Not Be Good

I was a bit down on the Rhodes brothers (particularly Cody) last week, but they rebounded nicely this Friday. Of course the quality of this match can be largely attributed to Bigg Hoss and Toni (hee hee, adorable) but Goldust and Cody were on their game too. Goldust was extra fired up, throwing out one-liners left and right, and Cody wisely cut back on the high-flying stuff during the hot tag, opting instead for hard clotheslines, high knees and Alabama slams. The highflying thing isn’t your calling Cody — the Rhodes family are brawlers son.

Speaking of which, it’s time for Cody to retire the Disaster Kick. I recall it used to look okay, but lately Rhodes bounces off the ropes, sort of floats through the air with bent legs like he’s sitting on an invisible chair then lightly brushes his opponent with his shin while wildly slapping his thighs. It’s no good. Here’s an idea — take a page from daddy’s handbook and just f–king elbow dudes in the skull until they don’t get up.

Worst: “I’m Bad News Barrett! Here’s Some Good News!”

This week Bad News Barrett came out to deliver the devastating news that the Slammys were so successful and popular they breathed fresh life into the locker room, so yes, we’ve graduated from Bad News Barrett’s bad news merely being lazy and uninspired, to it not even being bad news. They had Bad News Barrett come out and deliver good news. Sure, he still said YOU’RE DUMB after it, but 90% of his message was positive.

Are the guys on the WWE creative team the worst writers in the world? Not like, bad by TV writing standards, but literally the worst people who have ever put pen-to-paper or fingers-to-keyboard? I think they might be. They don’t even know the difference between bad and good. I just, I don’t, I ja blah gah blah pfffbhtht…

Okay, where were we? Oh God, the Damien Sandow segment — out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Man, the despair is just thick around Damien Sandow these days, innit? When was the last time they let the poor guy say anything clever? Or wear his bathrobe? Mark Henry kicks Sandow once and he rolls outside grabbing his face and eats the count out. This isn’t a smug Fandango intentional count out either — “nuts to this whole f–king wrestling thing” is etched across Sandow’s face the whole time.

Just…just quit dude. TNA or the indies couldn’t be worse than this. Hell, being a waiter at Red Lobster would be a step up.

Worst: Tone Down The Canadian Nattie

Even though I’ve never met her personally, I’m pretty sure Natalya is one of the nicest, most levelheaded people on the WWE roster. She has to be — politeness and general decency is pounded into every western Canadian’s skull from birth. When you live on the barely populated surface of the friggin’ snow planet Hoth, you can’t afford to piss off or freak out your neighbours. Locking yourself out of your house in winter up here means you die — you have to be able to rely on the kindness of your fellow man.

That said, Natalya comes off terribly whenever she opens her mouth on TV. Even Brandon “STOP S–TTING ON WOMEN’S WRESTLING” Stroud can’t abide her. I think the issue is that there’s basically only one female character in the WWE — a catty lady with a penchant for slapping people in the face.

I don’t think Natalya is terribly catty or into unprovoked slapping in real life, and wants the world to know that, so she’s driven to explain the actions that have been written for her in a very careful, very pedantic, ultimately annoying way.

While a Bella twin or Eva Marie might be YOU GOT NOTHING GIRL, NUH-UH, LUH-OOSER, SLAP, Natalya has to be all, “Well Michael, my opponent is a very talented girl and a fine champion, but frankly I don’t care for her attitude and I was born a champion, which is why I believe I, Natalya, am justified in thinking I should be Divas champion.” She’s so polite about s–t you just want her to shut up.

There’s a reason Natalya comes off much better on NXT when she’s allowed to just be veteran wrestler and regular human being Nattie Neidhart. Either just be yourself, or stop trying to Canadian-it-up and hoist those L-fingers up on your forehead and start slappin’ some face. This halfway approach isn’t working.

Best: Go To Spear

Rollins and Reigns vs. The Usos was good, because of course it was, but the real highlight of the match was Ambrose shutting the Michael Cole stupidity train down cold on commentary. Throughout the match Cole was burying what little subtlety The Shield break-up storyline had six-feet under and pestering Ambrose with an endless stream of “What if the Shield loses on Sunday? You could! What if? What if, what if?!”

Ambrose’s response? “F–k off, we’re not going to lose. You’re ‘what ifs’ are stupid. What if pigs fly? Are we going to discuss that? Shut up.” It’s what needed to be said, but not many guys in Ambrose’s position on the card would’ve had the balls to say it. Dean Ambrose for permanent commentator/Cole shutter-upper.

Meanwhile in the ring, Rollins and Reigns ended the Usos with a rad GTS-into-a-spear combo. Well, actually the timing could have been tightened up a bit, but still, I’m excited to see the Shield launching guys with the Go To Spear on a regular basis.

Worst: Ryback and Axel Are Out of the Title Match Now, Right?

And the runner up for saddest guy in wrestling — Ryback! Trust me, Sandow just edged him out by that much.

Ryback and Axel being beaten and humiliated in around a minute by the Big Show means they’re chopped from four-way tag title match at TLC, right? In any sport pretending to be real in any way, one team in a scheduled title match definitively proving their superiority over another team in the match, means the losing team is out.

Then again, maybe the match wasn’t fair. Big Show was HUG POWERED after all.

BOOHUGGA, BOOHUGGA…

Worst: Why Did This Happen Instead Of Like, Literally Anything Else?

Del Rio and Kofi Kingston were supposed to have a match on Smackdown, but then The Miz came out to interrupt annnnd no…can’t do it. I’d take a second Bad News Barrett segment over this. Moving on.

Best: The Randy Sanders Show

Did Randy Orton binge-watch the British version of The Office recently or something? Because the dude has suddenly become a master of cringe comedy.

Orton perfectly captured “Guy who knows it’s over but desperately wants to keep up appearances” last week on Smackdown, and this week he nailed “Guy who’s caught somebody in a betrayal, but actually ends up apologizing to them because the relationship is just that f–ked up.”

On Raw Randy caught Triple H dead-to-rights with his hand in the John Cena cookie jar, but there was no snake pantomime of RKOs on Smackdown. Just a hangdog Orton insisting he’s still Triple H’s man and angling for any sign of approval. It was awkward, uncomfortable and probably made a lot of slashfic writers happy.

So yes, the WWE finally starts acknowledging Randy Orton’s bland soullessness in storyline and suddenly the guy becomes this nuanced, emotionally complex actor. Where the f–k was this the last 10-years? Given the Batista/Eve precedent, Randy Orton’s quitting/getting that third strike any day, isn’t he? Dammit.

I’m happy for bryan, but sad for the wyatts. they ended up with the short end of the stick in every feud they’ve been in since getting called up to the main roster. kane didn’t get brain washed for them, and neither bryan will. kofi and miz were just squash matches. and now that the shield might be breaking, they might not even have any feud to look up to in the future.

I totally disagree with you about the rhodes brothers (and especially cody). cody is no cm punk. he can brawl great, but his highflying is very good still. he doesn’t need to stay in the shadow of his family. he can be his own thing. also, the disaster kick is one of my personal 5 coolest looking moves in wwe. absolutely no to retiring it… in fact, it even looks cooler lately! he’s kicking people’s heads like footballs: [youtu.be]

when you took a hiatus for the thanksgiving episode, ambrose was also on commentary for the best commentary/shutting up micheale cole/JBL just sitting and not even talking because ambrose KEPT SPITTING OUT CLEVER AND CREATIVE STUFF FOR 15 MINUTES in probably a decade. seriously. cm punk and ambrose need to become commentators and wwe’s shows would instantly become in the top 10 shows in the world no matter what’s the content.

the total opposite of that would be hhh/orton’s segment for me. as I’m one of the few that, no matter what, have enjoyed orton a LOT since summerslam and am very, very sorry and sad for what wwe did to him since then. they never treated him like a champion or a challenger neither vs bryan, show or cena. he was just hhh’s lacky. he’s the one that actually got screwed in all this storyline, not bryan. bryan will always be fine as long as he gets to perform dropkciks, suicide dives and pro graps in front of people in the ring while pointing his arms in the sky. orton might not taste the world gold after the titles get unified ever again…

Bryan’s kinda becoming a career killer. The Wrestlemania match with Sheamus sucked, but Bryan came out of it the biggest guy in the company and Sheamus came out of it with people cheering for Dolph Ziggler to beat him. Randy’s the saddest boy who realizes his more talented sibling John is his parents favorite, no matter what they say, and The Wyatt’s just can’t put anyone away long-term (like how Akuma’s Raging Demon went from killing three guys to maybe one). Love the dude, but at this rate the only guy I want to see D-Bry have a long story with is John Cena (hinthint).

what I think will happen: hhh and company will help cena win (even without cena asking for it) and make him their face of the company (even though he always was.)

what I wish would happen: believe it or not, I’m hoping hhh becomes the champion of champions! 1. to see everybody’s reaction 2. because I don’t care about the main event scene or orton or cena as long as someone I enjoy isn’t in it, and thus, won’t be mad no matter what’s the result. I just don’t care. 3. because if he’s opening and ending every show every night, he better go all out on it and become the champion for mega heat. 4. to get bryan or punk over and actually cut the loose ends in their storylines with him. 5. to see the ratings drop as a final sign for wwe to understand what the people want and who they don’t want.

what I secretly hope will happen: orton will win. he’ll harras the bellas every week, tell the crowd that their wives, sisters, mothers and daughters want to sleep with him while flexing his muscles. then, he’ll DDT the miz on the floor in front of his dad every other week, and steal the show in a match with cody or goldust every other week.

I like the idea of Cena as an unwitting Champion of the bad guys, like that time Big Johnny made him fight Zach Ryder for their respective #1 contenderships but full time.

Man, it’s sad how good Orton was during that first month or two as the heel champion of the company. I love his performance now, but it goes nowhere except another bland babyface turn. Can’t anyone be booked consistently good in this company (outside of NXT)?

I don’t think Bryan is a career killer so much as they just book everyone poorly and Bryan is the only guy insanely over enough to survive all the bad writing, while most of his opponents succumb to it.

Good point. Bryan’s the only one who is so good at something (ring wrestling) that he’s irreplaceable to fans. The others, they can work in smaller roles (Orton got by just fine RKO’ing random dudes for two years), but Bryan demands attention.

I love how Ambrose refers to Jimmy AND Jey as “The Uso”, and my love for him has only grown since buying Payday 2/him being on commentary! It sounded like he got cut off after mentioning JBL combusting? Also, yes to what you said about Colter. Him being an established xenophobe makes the difference between me finding the “sneeeeaking across our borders” funny and, let’s say, face-of-the-company Jern Cena calling Eve and AJ slutty slut-sluts. Great write up, and damn you post these fast!

Gotta agree with themosayat on keeping the Disaster Kick. Maybe Cody’s been off with it a few weeks (though I don’t think so), but it really is beautiful and devastating at the same time.

Speaking of which, love Golddust, but as some RAW commentator said this episode was proof that his kneeling slap is a terribly set up move. Wrestlers taking it from him look like they’re bent over in an attempt to hyper-sniff their farts. Compare to Cody and The Usos (possibly just Jimmy), who bother to gut kick an opponent to set it up.

Good/Bad on The Bellas: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but they looked pretty good this week. Most of their offense is still hit or missmissmiss, but their tag stuff is coming together. I might actually tolerate them if WWE brought back the Woman’s Tag Titles. On the other hand, how much does WWE not know character? They’re “faces”, yet wave around their Slammy like it means anything against AJ’s Divas Championship. It’s so pathetic that it could only be a heel action, because no face would show off a Slammy (RIP Owen).

I dunno, I just don’t think sorta-halfway-highflier is what Cody should be doing. I think he should be throwing suplexes and hitting dudes hard. I mean, clearly the current packaging has never really caught on — time for something new.

Oh, I agree about Cody getting rid of most of his high-flying stuff and focusing on a more brawler style (Muscle Buster is legit), I just like the Disaster Kick enough that I’d like it to survive the transition, at least as a surprise finisher.

lol, the current packaging has never really caught on? that’s only because since being FIRED AND MIRACULOUSLY HIRED BACK ,THANK GOD, he didn’t get any chance to have any promos at all. he’s relying on in-ring work only to stay relevant. although he could have just ONE of those 15-minute show-opening useless and time-filling promos that stephanie or triple h have, and he’ll get over as much as a freaking match of the year candidate would make him! (of course, having goldust overshadow him isn’t working either. until they face off at mania because of that!)

personally, I think cody, WITH both the highflying moves AND the normal hard hitting moves, is secretly the second best overall in-ring performer in wwe currently after bryan. he got multiple moves for every place in, out of or around the ring. they get the crowd fired up, too. I especially love the alabama slam, the move where he holds the opponet’s legs while making him lean on the ropes before kicking him in the gut and samoe joe’s muscle buster. also, the springboard dropkick, the cross rhodes and the disaster kick. just give him the figure 4 leglock and the sharpshooter and I’d say he’s the absolute best.

I agree with themosayat on Cody being one of the best in-ring guys, and that his move set is good as it is. But what I agree the most is that if he was just given more time to shine individually, he’d be more over individually as well. I find his performance at MITB a great proof of this (Sandow’s betrayal or no, he was the star of that great match!) as well as his match with Orton (which I did find a little short) and his promo as he was leaving after getting fired. He just didn’t really get much of a chance to do something on that level since then, mostly because he was fused with Goldust. I don’t mind it, in fact, I love them as a team, but I do wonder how Cody would be doing if he still had the solo push he had for that brief time a few months ago.

EDIT: how did I forget adding the monnsault to the list of my favourite cody moves?! he might very well be the best moonsault-er in the buisness. or at least his long, high, slow and perfect moonsault is one of the most beautiful ones in the world.

It’s a risky move because he always does it to a standing opponent, so he needs to slow it down so, yeah, it does look dangerous most of the times, but I really love it nonetheless. It’s a nice innovation rather than just doing a regular moonsault, and I love how some guys that catch him really well allow him to roll into a pin immediately. One moonsault on Reigns was that type of awesome, since he also kinda raised his leg just as Cody floated into the pin and it looked so smooth and beautiful.

I don’t think there’s any particular benefit clickswise between a slideshow and a regular multi-page

I just like the slideshow better — each page loads faster. It makes things much more convenient if you want to jump around between pages (like if you want to read what I had to say about the main event, but then jump back to see what happened earlier in the show). I do realize you have to scroll back to the top of the page to progress, but surely that’s not a huge hardship.

Also like Kaztrator says, I use the slideshow a lot, and I usually put the finishing touches on these articles at like, three in the morning, so I’m in no mood to try anything different.

I’ve once written a comment of 5 long paragraphs. and only to correct one word, by pressing left a few times, it got me to another article and my comment was lost! (since then, if I have a multi paragraph comment, I copy it after every paragraph just in case I did that by accident to paste it again and not lose it.)