I Can't Do That...Unless You Dare Me!

Dude, you're crazy! Three scoops of frozen yogurt mixed with raisins, BBQ sauce, Barbie heads and rat poison! You'd have to kill me before I ate that! You'd have to tie me to a tree and pry my eyes open with toothpicks! You'd have to kidnap my parents and send me the Polaroids! Sure I want to join this frat, and I knew hazing would be rough, but there is no way I'm taking one bite. Unless you dare me.

Clean up the toilet I just puked all over with the University President's toothbrush? And then before I replace it you want me to bend the bristles back so they're all warped and shit? Are you insane!? I could get expelled! I'd never get into Yale law school! I'd never get the job I need to raise a family! I can't do that. Unless you dare me.

Get work as a janitor at a local elementary school so I can deal drugs to minors? Are you kidding? It's bad enough I'm out of an education! Wait, sell the kids bags of pixie stick powder and make them snort it off the locker room urinals? Then call my mother, tell her what I did, and ask for her grandmother's wedding ring so I can marry a hooker named Celeste? Where do you come up with this stuff? You're crazy! I can't do that. Unless you dare me!

Man, my life's been taking some bad turns. Yeah, you're right. Maybe we should go on a road trip. Hey, look on the side of the highway! A horrible accident! I think a little boy is trapped under one of the cars! There are firemen and ambulances. They're running out of time! I have to do something. But I can't. Unless you dare me.

All on a dare

Phew, that was close! But the press is asking me how I lifted that station wagon over my head and pulled out little Joey. I know I can't tell them the truth. I can't possibly explain to them the super-human strength that comes over me when I cave in to peer pressure! I knew even if they threatened to tell my girlfriend I was gay, or put bamboo under my fingernails, I couldn't possibly reveal my deepest, darkest secret for the sole purpose of selling newspapers. Unless they dare me.

Damn it! Now everybody knows! My girlfriend just called and dared me to tell her she was fat. My father dared me to paint the house. The police dared me to stop selling fake cocaine to minors.

WHOA. What's that you say? You dare me to stop doing whatever people dare me to do? Interesting. No one's ever dared me to do that before. But then if I stop doing what people dared me to do I'd just be doing what you dared me to do, which is the same thing as doing whatever people dare me to do. That would make me a tool. And I won't be a tool. Unless you dare me.

Dave Holstein dares you to join his free newsletter or to say hi, by clicking here.