Wandering as a Heuristic

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On Relationships

As I’m sure all three of my readers are aware by now, Mickey and I are getting divorced, but still care about each other and are going to do our damnedest to remain friends after all this. So without getting into the gory details (there are parents present, and such), let me explain where things are in my head, about relationships at least.

In an ideal world, I’d like to have some sort of relationship with Mickey, but what shape that relationship takes is really up in the air. We both agree that there’s still attraction and some chemistry there, and I don’t see why we can’t work with that, albeit later, once the whole mess has become slightly less painful and stressing. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we’re getting divorced (accepting doesn’t mean I like it, just that I acknowledge that it’s going to happen), but I’m not really sure I’m ready to actually move on.

Mickey HAS moved on, at least in respect to seeing other people. I’m still working on coming to terms with that, and I fluctuate between being okay (not fine, but okay) with it and getting that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach. I’m glad she’s being honest with me about it, though, as there’s been enough deceit happening and that just puts a strain on being able to remain friends. (Remember, boys and girls, lying always hurts more.)

There is, in fact, a point to me bringing this up, and it’s not just to air dirty laundry. Mickey wants me to be able to fool around as well. Since she’s not being monogamous, she doesn’t see why I should have to be. And to a certain extent, I see where she’s coming from, though there is a small voice in the back of my head whispering “You made a commitment, and it’s not officially done yet.” So instead of actually going out and getting laid, I’ve been hanging out with several attractive young ladies and flirting madly with them. It’s not a matter of “ooh, grunt grunt, wanna play,” so much as these are people I’ve been interested in for some time now, and now feel validated in pursuing. Especially since Mickey’s given explicit written permission for me to do so, and I’ve kept her in the loop as to what if anything has happened. [Aside:Which is sort of the difference between cheating on someone, and having an open relationship: awareness and communication.]

So now I’m left up in the air as to what to do, whether I should actually follow through on the desire to fool around, or stick to the [self?]righteous high road. All I know right now is that: 1) I do not want a serious commitment again any time soon, and 2) I’d like my next relationship to be flexible about polyamory. For what it’s worth, Mickey’s claiming the same about not wanting a serious commitment any time soon. She may be dating again, but she says she has NO wish to be anyone’s girlfriend right now.

This may have been too much information, I apologize if so, but I wanted to share what’s going on in my head. Oh, also worth noting: I’ll be in DC for a few days next week, and I got a new computer yesterday. That’ll be a separate post, though.

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3 thoughts on “On Relationships”

Well, you know my take, clinging to a commitment that has been broken by the other party isn’t a more honorable or pure thing to do, it’s a more insane and self-destructive thing to do. If you don’t want to go there for emotional reasons, that’s a different story, but for the sake of a commitment? Sillyness. Clearly it’s a completely inadequate and petty analogy, but if someone is contractually obliged to buy cheese only from your company and they go buy 15 pounds of gouda from another supplier and tell you that despite the contract, they don’t want to exclusively buy your cheddar anymore, are you supposed to say ok, that’s fine, and I still won’t sell cheddar to anyone else because the original contract was exclusive? No, the contract was broken and you’ll find another buyer or buyers (wink wink nudge nudge). Your personal honor remains intact no matter what course of action you pursue at this juncture. The question is not what should you do according to rules of honorable conduct but what are you emotionally able to handle right now?

But I’m not you, so maybe I don’t know shit. But I do know that in your shoes I’d probably want to become the biggest player in town just for the sheer ego trip. I just think a lot of your anxiety would dissipate if you had 4 or 5 girlfriends worshipping you.

I’m having to hold back a lot of my thoughts because this is a public forum.

> these are people Iâve been interested in for some time now, and now feel validated in pursuing. *Especially since Mickeyâs given explicit written permission for me to do so*, and Iâve kept her in the loop as to what if anything has happened.

That is absolutely most gut-wrenching statement that I have ever heard from you. I am absolutely blown away. Why do you need MICKEY’S PERMISSION to do ANYTHING?! I mean, isn’t this obvious? And why does she need to be kept in the loop? Why would she want to be?

I absolutely agree with Uriah. What I read from this post is that you are an emotional masochist–you are putting yourself through a lot of pain that you simply do not have to.

If you both know that you are getting a divorce, then the commitment is over. There is no moral reason to hold out until a judge tells you what you already know. What are you trying to prove by doing otherwise?

If you can get laid that easily, and it is something that you want to do, then for shit’s sake _do it_. It doesn’t change the fact that Mickey destroyed your marriage; it doesn’t make what she did any less wrong. You do not yield your “moral high-ground” by seeing other people.

The sooner you move on the better, Nabil. I understand that it can be rather difficult to change from a “not-available” attitude to that of a single person again. I have experienced this after my previous relationships came to an end, but I imagine that it is considerably more difficult in your case.

I’m not saying that you should go out and get into another serious committed relationship immediately, in fact it is probably something you should avoid. Rebound relationships are never good for anyone, but dating other people (and maybe even getting laid) is not a bad thing in your situation. I think that it will make it easier for you to put this horror behind you. Just please don’t hold back because of Mickey, or because of some deluded since of honor. That would be a tragedy, and you are not greek damnit.

Ok, I got that out. If any of that was inappropriate for a public forum, just edit it out.

Now, tell me your tricks for picking up hot women. You are apparently doing better than I am. :D

> For what itâs worth, Mickeyâs claiming the same about not wanting a serious commitment any time soon. She may be dating again, but she says she has NO wish to be anyoneâs girlfriend right now.

1) What it’s worth? It is worth nothing. You should not trust anything she says on this matter. She is just trying to make herself feel less guilty by trying to make you feel more special. The most healthy thing is to not talk about each other’s relationships at all for the time being. That way, no one has to lie to make the other person feel better.

2) It’s irrelevant. You shouldn’t be thinking about what she is doing and with whom. It’s a 100% sure mind-fuck. I know it’s hard, but just don’t go there. Trust me, you don’t want to. When it comes to stuff like this, ignorance really is bliss.