Rejection 101.

“I have not failed 1,000 times. I have successfully discovered 1,000 ways to not make a light bulb.”

~ Thomas Edison

I’ve been a shoulder to a friend lately. All my shirts are wet from his tears. As I listen to the same story replay over and over and over at our favorite cafe, with only minor variations here and there – like a broken record; I struggle to find the right words into this universal symphony of heartache. Because there are none.

One palpable truth is that we’re constantly moving, in one direction or another. We’re a verb, not a noun. And no matter how deep the black holes get, there’s always some degree of light or else we’d be swallowed in. But maybe not the kind of light you’re expecting.

If you’re human, you must have been rejected at some point. And if you haven’t yet, you shouldn’t be reading this, as I’m pretty sure it’s at least PG-13. Or even worse, you might be on the wrong side of the love-door as we speak. Or so it seems from the painful outside-looking-in. If so, I hope to break the news to you kindly. Even when truth kind of hurts.

It’s funny how during the winter, you can barely remember the summer heat. You understand the concept of “summer”, you know it’s a barefoot season with birds and flowers and warm feelings and long, green days, but your body forgets. I find the heart to behave in a very similar way.

As I remember my own trip to hell – over scars that no longer hurt even if they tried – I wish there was a secret door I could open right into my friend’s chest and once inside, shout at the top of my lungs so that he thinks it’s his own thought – and convince him it’s not the end, not yet. The end of the story, maybe, but not the end of you. You’re an entire book, remember?

He’d still not hear me out. Love seems to not only make you blind, but also deaf. Never mute though…

But just as the sun also rises, one unexpected day, he’ll come out of the grave and start noticing it’s too hot for January. He’ll look at a calendar that says June and realize that the birds are alive and there’s no longer any trace of snow.

And if it weren’t for the pictures he still keeps, he wouldn’t even believe there was ever such a thing as winter. It must have been a cruel joke. The past can be a messed up clown sometimes. He’ll almost feel like laughing.

Because what else can you possibly do, when she’s not that into you?

So let’s rewind to January…

The bad…

The bad is when she makes you cry. When you still can’t believe this is happening to you (why, you’re only invincible); when you get down on your imaginary knees and beg her shadow to turn into flesh.

You’re not even religious, but there must be a god for these moments. Never has the cave of your mind been so overpopulated by all your dark thoughts hanging upside down from the ceiling like bats; if you’re not careful, you might just throw up.

You think you must be the only vampire in the underworld who’s fallen in love with a human. She’s only living proof of the too-good-to-be-true-kind-of-love, that’s all. So great a love, it literally ate you for breakfast. Big boy is now in diapers.

You can’t remember you warrior days. All you want is a cup of hot chocolate (with a bottle few drops of poison – and by this I only mean alcohol) and crawl up on your momma’s lap (or daddy’s shoulder) whether you’re in your 20s or 50s, because if love doesn’t know age, then a broken heart doesn’t really know how to be alone. And it shouldn’t.

So if she doesn’t return your calls, e-mails, metaphors (or whatever sticky things you throw at her), it could be that she’s really taking care of her sick great grandparents – as she honestly pointed out – and doesn’t have any energy left for you.

It could also be that she has to pass her boards every day and the last thing she needs to worry about right now is your relationship.

Or that she’s in love with yoga instead of you, but you’re not jealous because now you know what you need to do next: Get a two-week instructor training, and maybe then you can show her the way of the heart. Or so you’d like to believe.

Except for when you turn off the lights and she’s not there and you remember that most people are lonely and misunderstood and go to bed with cold feet. So cold that if by any chance or unspoken universal law, that perfectly weird person that you could fall into mutual weirdness with showed up out of a blue cold night, as if some mindful Van Gogh painted her especially for you; you’d never be too busy or too sick or weary to open the door.

The ugly…

This is the part where Invisible-and-Scary-Clown-Half-Joker comes in and your life turns into a pathetic and ridiculous sitcom that’s also fun at times. That is, if sadomasochism of the mind can be considered a fun performance to attend at your local, dinner theatre.

Here’s where you shouldn’t wait until she says “it’s not you, it’s me”, because of course it’s me! You’re not breaking up with yourself now, are you? But you do believe her; you even go so far as to give her a hug, bless her heart. At least she admits it’s her. This gives you hope to stay. But it should give you wings to fly away instead.

If by any unfortunate event you should hit your head against the wall at this point and take the highway to insanity, you might find yourself behaving like any other 15 year old (except that you’re at least 35).

You might even go so nuts as to get fake Facebook and Twitter accounts because she’s blocked your regular ones and how else would you know who she’s into now.

Or spy on her at night from the darkness of your car while you treat your body like a dumpster; or talk shit about her that you would delete in an instant if she just decided to log you back in. ‘Cause isn’t life one big computer after all?

Or invite yourself to parties you know she’ll be attending and then accidentally bump into her. Because let’s be honest, with that cave-man, 3 year-old, insect-infested beard; bulldog face and bloodshot eyes, who would ever guess you’re absolutely insane (about her)?

Other crazy scenarios might include calling her and hanging up; calling her and crying; calling her and asking: why? Calling her and threatening or insulting her but quickly changing your mind and hanging up; texting her 20 times a day to communicate to her in a very mature way the latest updates concerning your now non-existent relationship – news only you seem to be involved in.

And then, if nothing else works, talk to her parents (now, that’s just straight out dirty). Tell them you’re worried about her; tell them she should probably get back with you because you’re her ideal, safest choice; the only one who could protect her; and if they love her, they should be worried too.

It’s a pointless circus, you see? And you’re a wild animal. Who put you in captivity? The person in the mirror looks like her but if you just get closer, you’ll recognize your own features. There’s power in the added wrinkles. But you can’t see that yet.

The good…

I’m not going to tell you this because I have no idea who or how great your Good could be. But spring exists, I swear. And summer is just ecstasy. So if you have to drag yourself or crawl for now, do that. Sometimes there’s no other way out of hell than walking back and barefoot through the fire.

What I could do is fetch you some tea along with these letters Future You has been sending me. He (she) tried to mail them to your address first but it seems like you’ve moved, or maybe you’re just never home or your mailbox is always full.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Dear unloved lover,

I know it sucks to be you right now, but try to see the less apocalyptic side of things. You don’t love someone because of their reactions to your love, but their actions in your life.

You love them from a place you already inhabit and you hope that they can help you turn into a better version of yourself; swim to the surface, not drown in meaningless sorrow.

If your love is really love and not just swinging, teenage infatuation, it doesn’t have to be humiliated by their response. And if it is teenage infatuation, then get a healthy snack and just watch it on TV.

Your love is free, alive, it moves; and it can never be cancelled or lost. But you can always recycle it – into art, music, words, and all kinds of service to other beings.

Get busy, you. Love is a movement, not a feeling.

{…}

Dear rejected lover,

Give yourself a break from yourself. Aren’t you tired of excesses? Go out for a walk, talk to a friend (they’re required by law to listen to you until they pass out).

Eat some green things, tell jokes, watch funny videos, notice how alive and new everything is under the old sun. Get a pet that will love you unconditionally (better than nothing, no?); breathe in, out, deeply, slowly.

Your lungs won’t hurt forever.

{…}

Dear crazy lover,

Ditch the drama. It’s exhausting. Love is not supposed to be war, but home. I know she seems like the most beautiful woman in the world, but believe me, she’s really not.

There’s as much ugliness in each one of us as there is beauty, it all depends on the circumstances and what kind of glasses you’re using. Every belle can turn into a witch, just give her a couple months. Nothing and no one is perfect.

Everyone goes to the bathroom and it ain’t pretty.

{…}

Dear unsatisfied lover,

You might feel like no one else can give you what she gives you and maybe you’re right; she’s unique and there should be a whole science for all the cute things she does. But what if someone else could give you more?

Your feelings won’t agree because we tend to see the glass half-empty, but if you need a brain right now, take mine for reassurance, I’m way into the future and I’m telling you it looks good.

The door to your cage is unlocked. Just don’t look back until you’re too far off to return.

{…}

Dear lovable lover,

You deserve more. Whatever your dream of love is, it must be alive somewhere and if it hasn’t materialized yet, you better spend your time bringing it into existence instead of wailing over someone else’s failure to notice all the greatness in you.

Why should this be any different than all the other lessons life is trying to teach you? So what if most of us are lonely losers? Only the losers win, you know?

Whatever makes you happy and full must be real – if not yet in your hands – otherwise you wouldn’t be real either.

If a plant needs sunlight to survive and bloom with life, it’s only logical that there should be a sun somewhere.

And if she was accidentally misplaced in the shadow, would you not encourage her to do whatever it takes to stretch toward the light?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Before you go, do join the BHC (Broken Heart Club) below and tell us who smashed yours. Because when you combine a hot, virtual beverage with a confession, time stops being an issue and the body starts to naturally produce this magical, elastic thing called ‘glue’.

About Andrea Balt

Co-Founder / Editor in Chief of Rebelle Society, Wellness Alchemist at Rebelle Wellness & Creativity Curator at Creative Rehab. Unfinished book with a love for greens, bikes and poetry; raised by wolves & adopted by people; not trying to make art but to Be Art. Holds a BA in Journalism & Mass Communication, an MFA in Creative Writing & a Holistic Health Coach degree from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition®. In her work she tries to reflect the wholeness of the human experience by combining Art & Health + Brains & Beauty + Darkness & Brilliance into a more alive, unabridged and unlimited edition of ourselves. She is also on a quest to reinstate Creativity as one of our essential Human Rights to (hopefully and soon) be included in the UN Declaration. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram and sign up for her Monthly Stroke of Renaissance.

26306228 Responseshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.elephantjournal.com%2F2012%2F01%2Fmaybe-shes-not-that-into-you%2FMaybe+she%27s+not+that+into+you.+2012-01-05+01%3A06%3A23Andrea+Balthttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.elephantjournal.com%2F%3Fp%3D263062 to “Maybe she’s not that into you.”

Andrea, wha't a great piece! Nothing helps a broken heart but time, I'm afraid. There is an adage that says the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, but even that does not work forever. After my 5-year relationship ended, I did the work, the grieving, the suicide watch (yeah, it was bad – lost love combined with other transitions) and made it out the other side. A book that really helped me was Susan Piver's "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart". Also, "Why Men Won't Commit". And then, my friend, I went to Spain (wish I'd run into you in Madrid. Next time!!) – Alexa M

I don't see the "love-replacement" option as viable, either. I don't think you can fully love someone else until you've healed from the previous bleeding. One thing is for sure, there's no cure for the grieving, you just have to crawl for the first few months at least. You can make it a little better by staying balanced but not make it go away.

My love-life-lost story was pretty awful too, it was like the worst possible thriller: as calm as it gets on the outside but so psychologically insane and disturbing. Not pointing any fingers though, we were both guilty as charged. As I was mentioning in the article, once you're out (summer) you can't believe you actually lived with the craziness for so long.

Thanks for the book titles. I'll check them out – but gotta tell you that I kind of want to change the second title. That's why I used a "she" in this article. I'm tired of "he" being the bad guy, the one who can't commit, he, he, always he. I've also been the bad guy many times. I think I may even be it as we speak. But that's just feminist me speaking.

And yes, it would have been terrific to meet broken hearts here in Madrid.

I would be remiss (esp. if anyone is considering the 2nd book and then writing it off for the title) – not to mention that the title of the book is completely misleading! http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Wont-Commit-Getting… The 2nd part is "getting what you both want without playing games". (George Weinburg, Phd. is the author) – and it really is a handbook for understanding the way men think (a la mars and Venus) and I sure did get a few "aha" moments. It should be called "What motivates your man" or something like that. It definitely does not lay blame, and it is written by a member of the male species! Good book, though, and no I am NOT his publicist or anything. maybe someday he will blog about MY book – Alexa

Everything a best friend should say, but most do not.
I have been shredded several times and everytime is just as bad as the first.
There is one that lingers.
The one that just left with no explanation.
The not knowing is so much harder than the truth. I would rather be blamed and have something to obsess about than be left just wondering what the hell?

Thanks for sharing Marilee. I am with you on the not knowing part – so much that I get fired up just to talk about it. I've been there (and I’ve also done it to others, we're all crazy like that). But no matter how much we hate to hear it sometimes, truth is always the kindest thing to say.

When you love someone and you're not loved back in return (or not loved the way you need & deserve – which also cancels you), it's not so much about not hurting (because you're gonna hurt anyway), but about which way hurts less and is more noble.

Honesty certainly takes courage, and sometimes it can be as simple as saying one true sentence before you run away (the title of this piece, if you want to keep it simple) so the other person can get on with their life.

Agreed. I wrote this is more like a consolation, not exactly a formula or a pre-op but more like post-op – the "operation" being an inevitable fact of life, I suppose. But I think one does get wiser with time. At least one should or else we’re doomed.

~Byrne Christopher
This is an incredibly powerful piece of writing for all us hopeless romantics. Thanks for the sincerity!

~ Martin Murphy
Actually everyone always has whatever they need in life…But usually not in the form they expected. […] They also have it in relationships as well. If you ask a single person for a list of qualities in a partner, they will write a list longer than any one person can possess. But if you ask them who in their life possess those qualities, they will name their various friends, confidentes e.g. their gay hairdessers to make them laugh is a favourite!… Romantic love can make you feel happy & sad, but unrealistic expectations are what usually cause the most pain, which is ironic because you actually have around you all that you need.

~Fatima M. da Costa
‎"Love is a movement, not a feeling." Wow. I can't even begin to describe to you the images of various musical, dance, political, & cultural "movements" that flashed through my mind as I read that line. Your writing always moves me 😉

~ Lisa Walker LeFevre
oh the trials and tribulations of love! somehow we manage to survive. sometimes we even learn a lesson and grow a bit stronger!

~ Kathleen Horner
Absolutely! The part about getting creative works very well!

~ Zell Space
Become who want to go out with. Whenever I'm doing those things I imaging she would be doing I'm not lonely.

I really appreciate this read right now. My relationship, which was quite new to begin with, ended last week very abruptly. In fact, I am still trying to figure out what happened. Kind of a punch in the gut really, but time and friends and muddy hikes, and lots of yoga push me through the moments where I feel like I could turn in to the stalker.
It's amazing no matter how many times I go through rejection, it still just sucks. And no matter how rational I think I am, I still go through these goofy moments flooded with emotions.

Much love and gratitude to all of those stuck in January. I am ready for June.

Wow. Andrea, this is what I needed. I am not a teenage but no matter how many times I go through rejection, it still just sucks and painful. I felt like my life has been in winter again. I don't want to breathe, don't want to laugh and don't want to do anything except beating me up. "What I did?" Yes, I was in a black hole.

I like your saying "what if someone else could give you more?". True. Summer after cold winter must be sweet. I am ready to open my heart to new seasons. Thanks for beautiful, powerful and encouraging writing.

Happy to read you. Hang in there. A part of our heart is always 15 years old and when "she" is shaken up, she needs all the extra care (and this only time knows how to mend, damn time, who invented it???)

Really enjoyed your article as I have been really confused as to what did and did not happen between this woman and me. She disappeared as fast as she moved into my life. She kept me guessing 50% of the time, and each time I would decide it was over, she'd rekindle it again. I finally told her I had to get off the train, she didn't like it, but a couple of weeks later, she had totally moved on, and I am still was dealing with the loss. And when I happen to run into her (we work at the same large company), she flashes the smile, gives the look and disappears again. I still can't shake it, but continue to move forward, stay away etc etc… it makes me mad– all the crap she said to me about me being the "perfect man" etc etc and then to dump it just as fast. Makes my head spin… When we were together we really clicked, but as soon as we were a part, she'd have second thoughts until we talked a little bit and bam it was back on– I got tired of the roller coaster and the pain of it all– even still didn't want to say goodbye, but did. Finally as the pain starts to move away into a dull ache, like what you have after the numbness from the dentist wears off– I see her and the wound is ripped open again. She's fine, she doesn't care, she's moved on and I'm stuck. I've got other options and I don't care about them. I have others who love me, but I still stew. It's not her it's me and I know it, but just don't know how to get out. I feel stupid. Your article helped, thanks.

Such an excellent piece Andrea. Over the last year I read many similar pieces and none can match your wit, clarity and call towards greater things…. because there are greater things… waiting to come rushing into our lives if we allow them. I believe the good old saying " The only thing that cures heart ache (or loss) is time" or other similar well intended yammerings, is crap….. some people never heal no matter how much time passes, because they never allow the winter to truly pass and the new summer to warm and inspire their heart. This last year I experienced the most devastating and hurtful breakup, in which I lost not only my love, but a dream, a future and so so much more. I allowed it to wreck me for almost an entire year…. we truly can be our own worst enemies some times… Why would any sane person allow that to happen, perhaps because love is one of the greatest inducers of insanity known. The beauty is that love is also one of the greatest inducers and creators of beauty, bliss, success, innovation and out right revolution. This is where the most devastating time of my life has lead me, to the edge of a revolution, boundless success, righteous innovation and the opportunity to not only inspire and enact massive change in my life but in the lives of thousands and hopefully millions of other peoples lives some day. History is full of men and women who have been inspired and driven to accomplish amazing things in the name of love, loss and rebirth. I hope all you wounded hearts find your greater contribution to the world, born from one of the most powerful things we are lucky to experience…. love and all it brings.
PS- "He’d still not hear me out. Love seems to not only make you blind, but also deaf. Never mute though…"
this is one of my favorite lines, and hopefully we use our complete inability to be mute to speak up and inspire our selves and others to new barefoot warm summer days, laying in a park, going for a swim, or just going for a stroll and soaking it all up.

I loved her but I had to dump her. I am not acting insane. Love takes time to dissipate. Clash of personalities in the extreme and it was getting worse. I did the right thing ending our relationship. I have no regrets. Love makes me crazy. But I've realized some things about myself in the process and that is all that really matters. It still sucks to give up that every day connection but ours was an illusion of connection so rather than settle for a reasonable facsimile I chose to pursue the real or live the rest of my life alone. I'm approaching 50. I am not wealthy. I am still a dreamer. Hardly your classic grown up. I feel like I was built for a different time. I love deeply even when that love is way less than perfect. I always want things to work out. I stayed too long with her but I almost settled for her. If the relationship was more peaceful I would have been proud to make her mine forever. But nothing was changing. I have some horrible days now. Doubts, fears, insecurities creeping in. The desire to run back to the comfort of our dysfunction.. Sometimes feeling worthless, sometimes feeling like a champ. She wasn't into me? I know. She wanted something from me very badly. She didn't want me. That's ultimately why I left her. I am someone not something. I wanted to feel that difference with her. It wasn't possible. I did the right thing, I know it, but I still feel many of the same things described in this article. But as you say springtime is around the corner. Losing people just sucks and it will continue to suck til it doesn't.

Thanks You're funny. And if she's not your summer, I'm sure somebody else will. But yes, I'm all for at least trying to cross through the mud. I think the only easy thing in life is breathing. The rest takes work. So do relationships and communication is such a big issue, I'd say the biggest.

So kudos to you because it takes more courage to be honest and ask for what you want than to walk away quietly. As long as it doesn't get ugly and you end up getting that fake FB account.