100 Things I Care About More Than The Melbourne Cup

As the season of animal cruelty, champagne fuelled debauchery, and unwarranted pride for this piss-stained corner of humanity arrives once more, let us rejoice in one hundred things I care about before the Melbourne Cup. Excessive? Perhaps. Sincere? F’oath I am.

100. Low-fat mayonnaise.

99. Orthopaedic crocs.

98. Finger tattoos.

97. Chakras.

96. Star signs.

95. Prince William’s receding hair line.

94. Prince Harry’s receding hair line.

93. The possibility of my own hair line receding.

92. Redwood desks.

91. Ergonomic chairs.

90. The conversation between Jesus and whoever took him on for his carpentry apprenticeship.

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