Community Building

Recently I’ve been involved in relaunching a kink group in my town. It has been . . . challenging to say the least. I’ve realized that in the sex blogging world, I always so easily gravitated to the people I had something in common with. It was never just sex but some sort of nerdiness about sexuality, a concern with feminism, an academic interest in kink. One of those things usually lined up and bam, new friend.

In the kink community, especially locally, it isn’t so easy. I don’t have a repository of writing to learn about someone from. Fet stalking can get you part of the way but only so far. And, as a leader in a group, at the end of the day I’m in interaction with people that I really don’t have much in common with. Some days I really struggle with it. I don’t always feel that enjoying hitting or being hit with similar objects is enough common ground to build a friendship on.

Has anyone else experienced this before? How do you handle it? Where are my nerds at?

3 Responses for "Community Building"

I know exactly where you are coming from. It sounds fun to meet someone in person with a hypnosis fetish, or someone that likes to grovel at another’s feet. Yet when it comes time to make that connection it just seems odd to do so.

It’s easy to misunderstand the nature of relationships in the strange twilight semi-underground of the BDSM subcultures. Marriage is still marriage; friendship is still friendship. Acquaintances are still acquaintances.

The idea that sharing a fetish brings a connection is a romantic myth.

Can you meet a future friend or spouse at a munch? Yes! You can also meet them at church or at work.

What you hope for as a group leader is good cordial relations among those who attend your events. Then you work for it. If something more happens, great!

I know what you are going through, I had the same desire for some time. I tried to get involved in a “special interest” group was appealing to me, so I trolled some of the sites and nothing really clicked. I had the crazy idea that I would see what happened when I approached women in normal situations and just asked if they were ever curious about a fetish or if they had one they would like to share. Well, to say I got mixed results would be an understatement.

This is a real challenge to a person’s self-esteem. You have to have the balls to do this with full conviction, sweetness and fun. If you look scared or doubtful, it’s over. Believe me, it took a while to build up to it.

I needed to get some training, to find a lady wingman and then it all started to work. For guys, self esteem is the biggest issue, work on that. For woman, I would encourage you to be blatant about your desires. The days are gone where people just “hope” someone will bring it up.

Get loud, make it happen!

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About Ellie

Ellie Lumpesse writes about sex, BDSM, relationships, non-monogamy, feminism, and rhetoric. In addition to blogging, she produces the Bedroom Radio sex podcast, is a phone slut for hire, and reviews sex toys.

This is the last time you will see her talk about herself in the third person.