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Saturday, September 8, 2012

52 lines about 26 teams (Wrapping up the NFL Preview I Thought I'd Wrap Up Earlier)

I got through 6 teams before the season started, more or less, in detail, but there's no time left to dilly-dally. Here are two quick lines about each team I haven't previously discussed:

Chicago Bears: This is The Boy's pick to go to the Super Bowl; he says it's Bears-Texans this year. Me, I can't help but wonder why Jay Cutler named his kid "Camden."Philadelphia Eagles: This is the year, maybe, the "Dream Team" coalesces. Or What's-His-Name," Andy The Coach, gets fired because nobody wants to admit they made a mistake putting millions of dollars behind an ex-con dog killer who's only in it for himself.

Detroit Lions: When I said to The Boy "They sure played a heckuva game against the Saints last year in the playoffs," The Boy said they lost by a LOT and suggested that I misremembered how good the Lions might be. I'm guessing they'll win the NFC North.

Miami Dolphins: Nobody cares about the Miami Dolphins, which has been the case since Dan Marino retired. Here is the Butthole Surfers' song, Pepper,

because I didn't have a second line about the Dolphins.

Houston Texans: I once said that it was an immutable law of football that the Texans would not make the playoffs. Then, the other day, I said that this year's Super Bowl would be Packers vs. Texans.

Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta remains the single most boring football team in the entire areop4ru3840932745auetghnewr SORRY I DOZED OFF THINKING ABOUT THE FALCONS. The guy Matt Ryan replaced in college, "Quinton Porter," played second string QB on the Hamilton Tiger-Cats in the CFL the last two years.

Kansas City Chiefs: I picked them last year to go to the Super Bowl, then everyone died or something. This year, I'm picking them to play in the AFC West. *hope that comes true!*

Washington Redskins: Somehow, the Redskins manage to spend a billion dollars in free agency every year, including this one when they were penalized cap space for spending a billion dollars in free agency every year. The teams guaranteed over $35,000,000 in pay to its three biggest-named (?) free agents this year, and if that doesn't argue for a hefty millionaire's tax, I don't know what does. New Orleans Saints: My Packers-Texans Super Bowl prediction was made before I knew a federal judge would find a constitutional right to deliberately injure the other players and reinstate all the suspended Saints. Wouldn't Suspended Saints make a good name for a band, or a detective novel?

Buffalo Bills: The Buffalo Bills celebrate the start of every year by releasing the most talented player on their roster, this year kicking Vince Young out to trade for Tavares Jackson, reportedly because he's valuable in the "Wildcat Offense." When a head coach says "We're going to use the Wildcat," what he means is "We're not going to win many games," and anyway, why do you need TWO wildcat quarterbacks backing up your $25,000,000 Trebuchet? Are you going to run the wishbone?

New York Jets. I know that was three sentences on the Bills, so I'll make it up by using just one here to say that I've got $10 riding on a bet that Tebow will be starting by Game 5.

New England Patriots: I don't want to talk about them, so let me use a sentence here to say that I'm incredibly disappointed that the best game of the week for me, Bills-Jets, isn't being shown on TV in Wisconsin. Also, the Patriots* are cheaters, and if their fans are sick of hearing that, well, Fire Belicheat.

Seattle Seahawks: QB Russell Wilson is my new hero, and I use his name as an adjective now. Wilson, according to a Bleacher Report headline on an interview I didn't bother to read, said he "refuses to be average," so all week long I, too, have been refusing to be average and telling people who did a good job that they "really RussellWilsoned that".

Arizona Cardinals: Honest to God, I almost typed "Wildcats" there instead of Cardinals. What's wrong with me?

San Francisco 49ers: I could've sworn I heard they traded Alex Smith. The Boy says I am wrong, and this story says that after hurting his feelings by trying to get Saint Peyton, the Niners guaranteed Smith millions of dollars to continue being an average quarterback.

Green Bay Packers: I have the Packers' defense in my fantasy football league. I suppose it could be worse, but only if the NFL admitted a brand new team to the league and required that this new team play me at nose tackle.

Pittsburgh Steelers: They don't really matter anymore, do they? In the last two playoff games the Steelers have been in, they've looked like they just couldn't really get excited about the game.

Denver Broncos: The kids can't wear number 18 in Denver because it's a "gang number," and because Denver parents are stupid. But Saint Peyton's number won't be all that exciting when he's injured by week 9 and the Broncos go 6-10; if I were a Broncos fan, I'd still chant "TEBOW".

Cincinnati Bengals: Did you know that there's some sort of huge rivalry between Cincinnati and Cleveland? With nobody in the world caring enough about either of those cities to worry, it's nice that they have each other. Baltimore Ravens: For some reason, I really really really hate Joe Flacco. Like, viscerally hate him.

San Diego Chargers: Philip Rivers is still the absolute worst quarterback in the NFL. Good luck, Chargers' fans.

Oakland Raiders: I would buy a Raiders jersey and wear it for a year if their front office announced that they were holding a seance in the owners' box so that Al Davis' ghost could see the games. BONUS FOOTBALL ANALYSIS: Carson Palmer didn't do so bad last year even though he joined the team mid-season, so I'll expect the Raiders to be the AFC West Champs this year.

I don't know why the judge ruled that way; I didn't read any articles about it. I just know that happened, and it's the second time a federal judge has interfered with an NFL ruling and let players play all or part of the season. (See also: the Williams Twins, Minnesota)

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