Well the celebrity pantomime of X Factor USA carries on Stateside, and it’s not even hit the TV screens yet! After long, drawn out speculation, the panel of judges was announced – all red herrings had wriggled through the net, or been cast aside, Simon Cowell had his way and British ‘Sweetheart’ Cheryl Cole began filming the show in mid-May, 2011. By the end of the month, after just 4 days of auditions, she was given the boot. Who’s to blame? Well, who knows?

The media - both print and online - is all agog with speculation, and I’ve decided to join in, make random guesses and list the (possible) reasons why she is ‘persona non grata’ with our American brethren. We have an ‘Essential’ relationship with the States – and thank you for this information, President Obama, on your recent European tour, though whether ‘Essential’ tops ‘Special’ is unclear. It seems our Cheryl was neither to Fox TV executives, however. Nothing special, and certainly not essential.

But really – do we care? Does America care about Paula Abdul, come to that, though we are informed by British tabloids that she is ‘America’s Sweetheart’. Hmm - maybe this is the first clue. How many national sweethearts can one judging panel take? And to get back to my first question, and I’m sorry to sound so cynical about our national treasure – it seems we do care, if the media coverage is anything to go by. She’s all over the place. Every magazine, every newspaper, every which way! Though if we couldn’t care less, no one’s saying. Which makes sense, if you think about it.

Righto then, I shall once again employ the magic online formula of 10. Here are (my) ten reasons why Cheryl Cole is back home - (back where you belong, pet)!

1. She chooses her own clothes, just like any grown woman! During auditions in LA, her purple pants were trailing on the ground in 'That’ outfit, as it’s called in the British press – the top was orange and the belt sky blue. She refused to have a stylist, willfully behaving like an ordinary mortal, and is so tiny she looked like she'd raided her big sister's dressing up box. Someone should have told her female celebrities are not at liberty to do what they like with their own bodies. She's public property now! So what can you expect, pet?

2. She stayed in the hotel room eating biscuits, according to Fox insiders, and didn’t play the game ie schmoozing all over Hollywood, and staying stick thin. Paula Abdul even suggested she should use crystal therapy to overcome ‘negativity’. Well let's face it. That told you, pet!

3. She forgot to switch on to ‘Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution’ – if she had, she’d know he didn’t go down too well in LA. Jamie Who? Hmm, he could have taught you a thing or two there, pet!

4. She refused to have elocution lessons! I mean what’s tharrallaboot, eh pet? Ow the ‘ell are they supposed to know what yeronabout, eh our Cheryl? It’s all Dutch to us, so what will our poor kissin’ cousins make of it across the Pond, like? Did you honestly think you could join the hallowed halls of international celebrity and stay the same. Eh, pet?

5. Talking of Dutch – The Voice, TV singing talent show which originated in the Netherlands, is currently doing pretty well in the States. It’s coming to Britain on the Beeb next year, and WILL NEED A JUDGE! Say no more, eh pet?

6. Paula Abdul is ‘America’s Sweetheart’! How can she flirt with Simon Cowell with pretty young Cheryl at his side? What was he thinking – bringing his young British sidekick across the Atlantic, and parading her for all to see, when Paula was just sitting there! Really, he showed a distinct lack of taste and good breeding. Sorry, pet, but one of you had to go!

7. Cheryl lost confidence. She was left out of the girly chat between Nicole Scherzinger and Paula, so sat alone in her dressing room plotting her next sartorial attack (Hmm, she wondered, should she make it shocking pink and mustard next time?). Wi' stripes, eh, pet?

8. The whole thing was a publicity stunt. She was never invited to be a judge in the first place. She just flew there, flounced onto the set, and told Simon – ‘It’s a Yes from me, pet’ and plonked herself down beside Paula, for all to see.

9. Cheryl suddenly remembered she is actually a pop star, not a judge. If anyone wonders about her aptitude for this role, they need only look at her choices on X Factor 2010. She championed Cher Lloyd, who frankly couldn’t sing, saying she reminded her of herself (she wasn’t wrong there, then). She voted off Gamu Nhengu – a refugee from Zimbabwe – who had a fabulous voice, a wonderful stage presence and a heart warming back story. What were you thinking, pet?