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So what did you do yesterday morning? Betcha it wasn’t as awesome as what I was doing…watching porn at a local bar at 8:00 in the morning. That’s right. I got up early on a Saturday morning to watch porn and drink beer. I am awesome. Or weird. Or maybe both. Yesterday marked the third annual Porn and Pancakes at a local bar. It was my second time going and you can bet your ass I’ll be there next year.

I’m pleased to report that unlike last year, there were no gang bangs and I didn’t vomit. I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed in this year’s selection. There was something special about last year’s selection, they went a little campy last year. This year they had more “serious” porn. All except the porn version of Jersey Shore, which was amazing, and the disturbing midget and fat girl porn.

Let me tell you a little something: when most people thing of FFM (female female male) porn, there’s usually a twinge of excitement in the air. Yesterday there were shouts of “Ew!” and “That’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen!” instead. Picture this: two very large girls wrestling around in a ring, and a midget ref. One woman had ponytails, zero make up, a wife beater, and full on granny panties – none of which did a thing for her cellulite. The other one had super floppy boobs and a pink wig. As for the dude, he looked just like Chewie from Chelsea Lately AND he had a tiny penis. Now picture this, said people engaged in a variety of sex acts with one another. [Insert gag here]

One of the guys I went with had never been before, and he was afraid he’d walk out with a big fat boner. Instead, he walked out with a tinge of nausea. Not sure if it had to do with that video, or the Train Wreck who was with us. You may recall that she’s the one that’s still hung up on an ex who she dated for seven weeks and who broke up with her seven months ago. Within the first 15 minutes of her arriving at the bar she had already shown him and Biggie a picture of her in a bra and flashed her muffin top. Not sexy. Not sexy. She then proceeded to start telling us why reverse cowgirl is her favorite sexual position.

Look, I know we’re at Porn and Pancakes and all, but it’s not that kind of party. There’s not a single person at the bar who is holding a video camera and you’re not supposed to be making movies around here. Also, these dudes have significant others and I’m sure those ladies would be pissed as shit if they heard you talking about how it hits your spot just right. Shut your mouth, whore, you’re ruining my porn.