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How Bernie Sanders Has Secretly Won the Nomination and Our Hearts

today we look at the revolution

First of all, some may find it problematic that freefootballscholarships appears to be endorsing yet another candidate for President of the United States. I want to make it clear that we here at freefootballscholarships stand by our endorsements for Rick Perry, Paul Ryan, Hilary Clinton, John Boehner, Justin Trudeau, Ted Cruz, and now, Bernie Sanders. We think that whosoever we endorse is the only person qualified to be President of the United States. Our views do not evolve or change over time.
Moving on. Ever since Bernie Sanders started running for President in early 2016, he’s been beset by obstacles. The mainstream media is attempting to sink Sanders in favour of moderate Republican Hillary Clinton. This is despite the fact that Bernie has quite clearly won the election.
How, you ask? The lame-stream media is reporting Hillary Clinton as comfortably in the lead, both in delegates and actual votes. This is a lie told to us by the shills at the Clinton campaign. Below, I’ve outlined the ways in which Bernie is not only winning, but has decisively clinched the nomination AND the presidency.

Bernie Is Winning Amongst High-Information Voters: anyone well-versed on the issues immediately votes for Sanders. Low-information voters, like women or the blacks, tend to gravitate towards other candidates. This is because they’re too distracted by the hip-hop music to research political candidates. After they’re Facebanked by loyal Sanders supporters 100% of these low information will retroactively change their votes from Clinton to Sanders, allowing Bernie to immediately clinch the nomination.

As A Canadian, I Am An Expert On the Political Process: Last year, when I flew over America on my way to a resort in Mexico, I used my time in the United States to learn everything about the political process. From caucuses to moccasins, I learned it all! This makes me an expert. And as an expert on the political process, I can tell you that in my heart I know Bernie has more votes. That’s called winning, folks.

No One I Know Has Personally Voted for Hilary Clinton: not a single one of the Canadians I hang out with has gone down south and cast a vote for Hilary. This is despite the fact that many of those same people have been active on social media advocating for the Sanders campaign. There’s just no way Bernie isn’t winning.

Donald Trump Won’t Even Run Against Him!: advance polls have Hillary Clinton losing to Donald Trump by five percentage points. Those same polls give Bernie a margin of victory of 74%. Faced with such a daunting opponent, Republican Candidate Donald Trump will drop out and leave Sanders’ path to the white house unopposed. Then, in November 2016, hundreds of millions of Americans will turn out to vote in Bernie Sanders as the first white president!

No Candidate Except Sanders Understands the Tangy Zip of Miracle Whip: the tangy zip of miracle whip has eluded Hilary Clinton for decades while Bernie understands it immediately. I think this speaks for itself.

Every Super Delegate Will Vote for Bernie: there’s no chance that any Superdelegate will vote for Hillary Clinton. If they try, Sanders supporters will daintily throw chairs and helpfully issue threats until that poor, misguided Superdelegate changes her mind. This is why Roberta Lange has changed her vote to Bernie.

No Candidate Except Bernie Has Been Able To Get A Hashtag as Devious as #DropOutHilary Trending on Twitter: demonstrating the alarming skill of the Sanders campaign, Future-President Bernie Sanders somehow managed to get hashtag #DropOutHilary trending on twitter. This hashtag essentially dismantled the Clinton campaign and removed any viability Hilary had left as a candidate.

Chicks Are Gross: since the start, this has been one of the main rallying points of the Sanders campaign. A female leader would upset the traditional gender dynamics of America. This is something the white male millenials supporting Sanders will fight tooth and nail to avoid. Since College-aged Males are the most reliable voting bloc, expect Sanders to make Hillary non-viable in California and clinch the nomination!

Guys are Gross!: Thanks for self identifying as a Canadian. As Richard Wolfe a guy who did some awful things and was punished by a flourishing penal system (G&M, June 4, 2016) wrote to his brother from solitary confinement in Western Canada “keep it real.” The best satire critiques the known world and leaves us laughing, with some shred, maybe, of hope. (Pope’s “A Modest Proposal”).