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Author
Topic: Serodiscordant couples stories? (Read 6756 times)

Guys, as I said on a previous post, I've been seeing this guy who I really like and if things continue to go the way they are I will have to disclose my status to him pretty soon and keep my fingers crossed that he will at least try to be with me. The odds are pretty low that we'll become boyfriends, I do think he will bail on me, but I'm trying to be as optimistic as possible.

Because of this, I've been curious about stories of serodiscordant couples and disclosure. Could you guys share a little bit about your own experiences on this? I know some have been successful, others haven't, but I just wanted to understand the possible scenarios, the approach you took, etc. I am a bit paranoid about this, clearly.

MilburnCreek

I will be celebrating my second anniversary in a serodiscordant relationship next week (Jan 14).

I am poz, my partner neg. We met in a bar at a gay event. I will avoid the details, but this guy decided he really wanted to go back to my hotel room, I said yes, and *someone else* at the bar told him I was poz. That person then told me that they had done so.

Meow.

In any event, he came back to the room with me and we started playing. We never talked about hiv status: he knew, and I knew he knew, and being undetectable, i felt ethically OK moving ahead on that basis. We got into it, and, yes we fucked bb (me topping).

It was expected to be a one night hookup, but we stayed in touch. We talked online about my status, and I forwarded some websites - this one in particular, one that included the Swiss study, etc. He had a 'common' understanding of transmission issues (incorrect) was intrigued as to the truth contained on this site.

Two weeks later he quit his job, packed, and moved in with me.

We've been together for two years. We fuck regularly, bb. He is still negative. Our only 'rule' is that I test every 3 months, and as long as I'm ud (or damned close to it), its all systems go. If I ever spike, I will wrap up.

Interestingly, our best friends are also a barebacking, serodiscordant couple who have been together 5 years with the same non-transmission going on.

Now, overlay on that: we are crazy-in-love, but we have an open (and homnest about it) relationship. When we play, I tend to play with poz guys, or, if i play with neg guys, I disclose; he only plays with neg guys.

It works. We have sex and don't worry. We play and don't worry. Both of us are of the mindset that what we do is "safe enough" for our risk tolerance levels, and life is too short to live in fear.

Three serodiscordant relationships. All when I was neg and the other HIV+1st - 80's. then the 90's again. I asked xxx times his status. He was HIV+ but lied for several years. We had safe sex. Broke up. Back together in the early 90's. The day he told me the truth, I left him. 2nd - 80's We dated for awhile and fell in love. Had safe sex. Never discussed HIV. He got very sick after a few months. Got tested, HIV and AIDS. Got very very sick. Committed suicide less than a year after diagnosis. (Was going to die anyway.)3rd - 90s Long term boyfriend, both of us hiv-. He picked up HIV "extramaritally". Was diagnosed during seroconversion as he was so sick. We stayed together another year until he fell in love with another guy and wanted some cockamamy 3 way I dunno what. I broke up with him.

I had some lovers but not boyfriends, besides these, who were HIV+ and I didn't bolt. I only bolted that one time due to the multiple lies but also I think I couldn't deal much with HIV at the time, due to having recently lost a bf to AIDS.

I haven't had a bf since I became HIV+ a few years ago. I haven't remembered any especially hurtful rejections by fuckbuds. Haven't fallen in love with anyone HIV- or HIV+ in several years so I don't know what it might feel like to be rejected by someone I loved, because of my HIV status.

My own experience says honesty about HIV may help prevent heartaches, weeding out the guys for whom HIV is a deal breaker.

______

Rockin, i hope you get what your heart wants! I dunno your situation, why the hesitancy to disclose during this time that the feelings are developing? Whatever. Just remember, its his shit, if he can't deal. I know that doesn't help a viseral pain, but its nevertheless true. Maybe it might be possible for you to not imagine that a person who cares for you will reject you, you seem a bit pessimistic. I think the HIV+ guy's attitude is important, but finally of course it just comes down to the character of the negative person. Consider it a blessing in disguise, if someone can't deal with HIV, but otherwise "would have been ok" with a relationship.

« Last Edit: January 07, 2013, 03:20:18 PM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I'm new to this. I"ve not shared that much on here, may as well give it a go.

Started seeing a guy in April, had a good time but both knew he was going away for almost 2 months so that kinda held us apart. He left and we effectively broke up. Sometime over the summer it seems I was horrendously unlucky and picked up HIV from one of the 3 people I had sexual encounters with. My guy came back after his time away and immediately came round to mine (that was a FUN night:). A few weeks later he asked me to stop seeing other people and we became exclusive.

He had possibly picked up some type of urinary infection which could have signalled some type of underlying STD, so I went to get tested. Yeah, what the hell, check for HIV while you're at it. Really wasn't expecting the text that they wanted to see me a few days later. As soon as it came through I knew.

Told him a few days later when he came back from the village he's been living in for the autumn. He freaked out, we'd had a condom break and obviously he thought he could have given it to me or the other way round. He told me he loved me that night. And held me in his arms. I never thought I'd be desired or loved again, I was prepared for him to walk - he's only recently out and it's a lot to deal with. I wouldn't have blamed him. He's been tested, neg.

We've been through a lot since then- stress, long distance relationship issues, the occasional fight (iI never knew I could get that angry or upset - I don't do faling for people). We've also done A LOT of talking. I've done lots of opening up to him about my fears and pretty much about everything. My diagnosis seems to have broken down the walls I'd built through my twenties to protect myself, it's the silver lining to the big shitty cloud. Talking is the way forward, we defined what we felt comfortable doing sexually and I've not pushed him further than that. He's coming around to becoming a bit more open and we now have a damn fine sex life (and it's getting better by the day).

We've just spent 2 weeks of Christmas together almost every day, which was pretty awesome. He's back in my city now which will defo help with the long distance thing. I'm meeting pretty much his entire family this Friday which is freaking me the fuck out

We've been together for two years. We fuck regularly, bb. He is still negative. Our only 'rule' is that I test every 3 months, and as long as I'm ud (or damned close to it), its all systems go. If I ever spike, I will wrap up.

Interestingly, our best friends are also a barebacking, serodiscordant couple who have been together 5 years with the same non-transmission going on.

Now, overlay on that: we are crazy-in-love, but we have an open (and homnest about it) relationship. When we play, I tend to play with poz guys, or, if i play with neg guys, I disclose; he only plays with neg guys.

It works. We have sex and don't worry. We play and don't worry. Both of us are of the mindset that what we do is "safe enough" for our risk tolerance levels, and life is too short to live in fear.

Omg, really? You should start telling your stories to doctors who insist that UND people can still infect others. What about that whole story with "there's still HIV in semen" bullshit? Call those guys in Boston.

Rockin, i hope you get what your heart wants! I dunno your situation, why the hesitancy to disclose during this time that the feelings are developing? Whatever. Just remember, its his shit, if he can't deal. I know that doesn't help a viseral pain, but its nevertheless true. Maybe it might be possible for you to not imagine that a person who cares for you will reject you, you seem a bit pessimistic. I think the HIV+ guy's attitude is important, but finally of course it just comes down to the character of the negative person. Consider it a blessing in disguise, if someone can't deal with HIV, but otherwise "would have been ok" with a relationship.

Because he's young (24) and has hypochondriac issues. He does seem quite mature but all of this is pointless when discussing irrational fears, you cannot argue with those. I always tell myself that if the guy loves me he will be with me, no matter what, but it still hurts anyway.

I do plan on handling this with as much grace as possible. I won't make a drama, won't apologize and won't cry...even if I do crumble afterwards by myself.

Good luck. I've been with my partner for little over 5 years. I'm positive, he's not. The topic of HiV rarely ever comes into play in our relationship. With everything else involved in a relationship (family, friends, the future, our careers, the house, travel) my being hiv positive just isn't a focus. You have nothing to be ashamed of, display confidence, and if he can't handle that sucks. Hopefully he will see that dismissing a relationship due to HV is very short sided.

Omg, really? You should start telling your stories to doctors who insist that UND people can still infect others. What about that whole story with "there's still HIV in semen" bullshit? Call those guys in Boston.

If you are a bottom, the UD in semen stuff has absolutely no bearing.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Here's the thing about this thread. At this point, only YOU know that you are a serodiscordant couple. If you have any hope of making any relationship work, you must start with honesty.What I or others have experience with our +/- relationships, ultimately, don't matter with yours. We are all different. You said you know some disclosures work out and some don't -- that does about sum it up. Although, I will add -- the longer you wait to disclose, the more you will fall for this guy and the more difficult a "bad" reaction will have on you.My advice -- stop stalling and have a talk with this guy. If you really do want a relationship - You owe to yourself, as well as him.

Good luck,Mike(and remember -- his reaction is his -- you can't control it and you can't "own" it -- it is HIS)

Here's the thing about this thread. At this point, only YOU know that you are a serodiscordant couple. If you have any hope of making any relationship work, you must start with honesty.What I or others have experience with our +/- relationships, ultimately, don't matter with yours. We are all different. You said you know some disclosures work out and some don't -- that does about sum it up. Although, I will add -- the longer you wait to disclose, the more you will fall for this guy and the more difficult a "bad" reaction will have on you.My advice -- stop stalling and have a talk with this guy. If you really do want a relationship - You owe to yourself, as well as him.

Good luck,Mike(and remember -- his reaction is his -- you can't control it and you can't "own" it -- it is HIS)

Harsh words but I'm aware of it, I know each case is different. I was just curious to see how other people have been doing it, successfully or not.

Harsh words but I'm aware of it, I know each case is different. I was just curious to see how other people have been doing it, successfully or not.

Well -- I wasn't really going for harsh, just trying to get you to see that sooner vs. later in probably the best thing here. The real question that you have to answer right now (not to me or us, but to yourself), is --- are you looking for this info to stall the inevitable? That is how it appears to me -- I know this is scary, if you really like this guy, you don't want him to push you away. However, I'm sure that we both know that you have no real relationship with him when you keep something that could be this impactful from him. And the longer you wait, the more you invest in him, the harder a "bad" reaction is going to be for you (and him). Of course, you could be pleasantly surprised and get a "good" reaction too.and yes, I know it's easy for me to dispense this advice. I was already in a long term relationship when I tested positive -- I told him the moment he walked in the door the night I found out. Not even close to your situation, but I did know that keeping it from him was not going to help the outcome. Fortunately, he stuck with me and continues to test negative.

i am positive and my bf is not. he knows from the start. i ve been infected 9 months ago, 2 weeks before i started this relationship. then i told him as soon as i learned my status, we hadn't had sex at that point. after my acute retroviral syndrome, we had sex several times. and still living together. never barebacked i ve been on drugs for 6 months and recently got UD (i hope!! not have my latest results yet.) so i really want to go bareback, but i cant trust the odds, even it is slim chance. i might wait for several months before go bareback (even though he is topping)

and we love each other a lot. he is doing elisa testing every 3 months btw, because i push him to do it

I am poz and my bf is neg.....we will have been together three years at the end of the month. I have been poz since we have been toghether but did not know the first year and a half. I am the bottom and my bf tops. Prior to knowing my status we only fucked bare and I even fucked him a few times.

I got awfully sick and that is when I found out and did not have much choice but to tell him immediately which was very hard. Luckily he tested neg and continues to. We mostly play safe but have our moments. We are still kickin and couldnt be happier....

Being poz & finding a partner can be rough especially if you live in the bible belt like me....so much ignorance & wrong info out there.

My ex bf of 6 yrs gave me hiv when he cheated on me. We broke up & I had no intentions of getting into another relationship. I had made up my mind I would just find poz guys to have sex with. I would even tell guys that were hitting on me that were negative that I was poz just so Id scare them away.....most of the time it worked.

Until one neg. Guy I kept pushing away because he wanted a relationship w/ me. I told him no it was to soon, he even said we wouldnt have sex until we were in a relationship. I finally told him I was poz to scare him off....he didnt budge....still came on hard.

Being poz & finding a partner can be rough especially if you live in the bible belt like me....so much ignorance & wrong info out there.

My ex bf of 6 yrs gave me hiv when he cheated on me. We broke up & I had no intentions of getting into another relationship. I had made up my mind I would just find poz guys to have sex with. I would even tell guys that were hitting on me that were negative that I was poz just so Id scare them away.....most of the time it worked.

Until one neg. Guy I kept pushing away because he wanted a relationship w/ me. I told him no it was to soon, he even said we wouldnt have sex until we were in a relationship. I finally told him I was poz to scare him off....he didnt budge....still came on hard.

That was 2 years ago & he just proposed last week.

That's why I started this thread. I need to know that stuff like this happens because sometimes I get hopeless.

But why push him to do it if you don't do bareback and you are und? Do you get paranoid about it?

yes actually come to think of it, i get paranoid about it. because even we use condoms, we are almost 24/7 together. and he has some gingival problems. i know it is impossible via oral transmission but still to be safe. doing elisa in every 3 months is precaution for the worst case scenario.

and sometimes i ask him, "why me?" because he is younger, hotter guy than me. he could find real nice guys anytime he want but "love" is the reason. he is suffering with me sometimes, and help me in my depressive times. so i believe that's the only answer. there are people who really don't care if you have HIV or not. we are so obsessed about it, but education is the key. i hope your special person won't turn out to be germ-phobic.

I've been with my first serious boyfriend since December. We are both part of a volunteer group (great way to meet cute, smart, open minded guys muaha). I didn't tell him until our 4th or 5th date, when I was sure he really liked me and would at least reject me in a nice way. Turns out he was fine with it! I actually have more hang ups when it comes to sex than he does. And I don't know what else to say other than HIV wasn't the end of my love life like I thought it was at first.

Rockin,I fell iin love with my partner back in '98. We met were inseperable forlike a week. The time came I could not ignore the talk. When I told himhe said he thought so. It didn't matter to him, he loved me so it was a non-issue.

best of luckK

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"We all think and feel differently as the years go by" Thank you, Grey Gardens.

we are so obsessed about it, but education is the key. i hope your special person won't turn out to be germ-phobic.

I do wonder if education is the problem, I'm not sure. It can be an irrational fear of anything health-related. We are, after all, wired to stay away from things that can, even remotely, jeopardize our health (just think of people's reaction to the words "infection", "disease" or "virus"). Some people call HIV a disease when it's really a chronic condition these days, and it seems silly but I think just a simple change of words can help fight the stigma.

HELLO, I would like to say that I am in a serodiscordant relationship. I am neg my boyfriend is positive. When we met I just felt in my heart that he was my dream soulmate. We dated for a few months. We talked about getting tested and so forth. And we both said that no matter how it turned out we qould continue our relatiinship. And we have we are both in love doing fine. I go to his appointments with him I assure him of my love. We haven't had sex yet other than some foreplay but I'm patient with him. I don't let his status get in the way of our relationship. We will always play it safe. You have to be honest and give him the option to make a decision. If its love it wont matter.

I have AIDS , I was diagnosed in 2005 , so we were together many years before I was AIDS . I know when I was infected and by who But that is something I never told Bob and never will !

We work will as a NEG - POZ relationship Bob has no fears of transmission and as of this time I find that it would be unlikely he would get HIV As a young couple you have the world by the horns I truly hope it works out well for you both .

I never worried if my partner was HIV POZ when I was single . Thankfully Bob does not either .

I´m also in a +/- relationship for now a year with a girl, I disclosed to her before we started dating. We have good sex and fun, but never with penetration (we agreed it together and deal well with it, we don´ t want to take any risk), anyway she gets tested each 6 months. The relationship is great and she is really open with my health condition, we talk a lot about it, without taboo and I know she is looking for informations regularly by her own...

My ex wife was also neg and the marriage ended but no because of HIV causes some months after disclosing to her...

This was written last year by Tim Horn, I'm not sure if there has been any update on this information since then, but nevertheless it's worth clicking on the link and reading the whole article if you are not sure about the protected/unprotected sex issue while undetectable.

Undetectable viral loads in blood is not a guarantee that HIV is also undetectable in semen, according to a new study involving 101 HIV-positive men who have sex with men (MSM) conducted in Boston and published online ahead of print by the journal AIDS. Of the 83 men with undetectable virus in blood samples, roughly a quarter of them—21 MSM in total—had semen with detectable HIV.

This was written last year by Tim Horn, I'm not sure if there has been any update on this information since then, but nevertheless it's worth clicking on the link and reading the whole article if you are not sure about the protected/unprotected sex issue while undetectable.

Undetectable viral loads in blood is not a guarantee that HIV is also undetectable in semen, according to a new study involving 101 HIV-positive men who have sex with men (MSM) conducted in Boston and published online ahead of print by the journal AIDS. Of the 83 men with undetectable virus in blood samples, roughly a quarter of them—21 MSM in total—had semen with detectable HIV.

The study from which that information was gained has yet to be followed up. Several subjects who tested undetectable in blood draws experienced minor spikes in viral load as found in semen and ejaculatory fluid. However, no further research was done to determine the viability of the viral particles or if there were enough to warrant concern re: transmission.

It would have been a nice followup. Hopefully someday such a determination can be made.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

EAGA has worked with the British HIV Association (BHIVA) to prepare this position statement to help clinicians and health promoters translate the evidence on HIV treatment as prevention and thus support patients to make an informed decision about starting treatment based on their individual circumstances.

Click the above link to download the PDF file: BHIVA-EAGA position statement on the use of antiretroviral therapy to reduce HIV transmission.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

You know when you catch his reflection, you see him looking at you and he doesn't know it... That is how they really feel about you. I saw his reflection bounce off a window outside the HIV clinic (years ago), I knew he was the one.