London 2012: Surface-to-air missile defences for Olympic Games

Surface-to-air missiles could be used to protect the skies over London during the 2012 Olympic Games. Defence Secretary Philip Hammond said they would be rolled out if military top brass decide they are needed.

Mr. Hammond told us, "We're intending to surround large swathes of East London with batteries of Starstreak laser guided surface to air missiles . We've already tested their capabilities on Hackney Marshes where we've been targeting Russian Aeroflot aircraft on their approach to Luton. With some success actually!" He joked, "With the massive success of the fireworks in Beijing it'll be interesting to see how Al-Qaeda are going to top it!"

This is, apparently, just the first step in a militarisation not seen in the capital since the Second World War.

NewsBiscuit has uncovered plans to encase the entire M25 with razor wire, with concrete bunkers set every 300 metres manned by heavily armed, private militias recruited from South London estates.

Ticket-holders for the events will be issued detailed maps of the areas they are to visit, as 'they will need to safely negotiate the extensive and closely packed minefields'.

Philip Hammond also revealed that a Prisoner of War camp is to be set up in Hyde Park, including enforced hard labour. "Anyone with a turban, beard, funny accent or suspicious bulge in their pants are liable to find themselves in Stalag Hammond for the duration. So just watch it, see?"

In spite of this, Mr. Hammond is looking forward to the event hugely. We asked him for an early projection as to who he was expecting to do well. "Poland are looking good," he said, "and, with the home advantage, they're gonna be tough to beat..."

GOTCHA! Aeroflot flight falling mysteriously short of the Luton runway