Chet
Meek's Page of Puns, Part E

... word plays, catchy phrases, and
other foolishness.

I take no credit for this material.
I am only the collector. Most have come from the Usenet Newsgroup
alt.humor.puns; but others have crept in from misc.writing,
alt.callahans, humor mailing lists and other contributors. I have
made no attempt at attribution (please forgive; ... we only rarely
know the original author anyway). Despite that, some show
attribution. Where it was there, I kept it.

Puns,
Word Plays and Related Madness.

Did you hear that NASA is going to send some cows aloft on
the next shuttle to study the effects of zero gravity on milk
production?

It will be the herd shot round the world.

... Udderly ridiculous.

... A shuttle ride will sure hustle their dairy aires.

... I think we milked this pun for all it is worth.

Tired of being turned down for pickup truck rentals for your
yard work? Get the Gardener's Express card. Their slogan is
"Don't heave loam without it!"

... Is this mulch ado about nothing?

... For peat's sake, enough is enough!

Why isn't phonetic spelled "fonetik?"

Is there an inter-state highway in Hawaii?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

Chemist: "If you are not part of the solution, you are part
of the precipitate."

The cat-lovers will hate me for these:

If you toss a young cat out the window is that "Kitty
Litter?"

How do you make a cat bark?

Douse it with gasoline and throw in a lighted match. ...
Woof!

What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in
concrete?

Not enough concrete.

A medical doctor, an engineer and a lawyer all went into
shark-infested waters when their boat capsized. The sharks tore
the doctor and the engineer limb from limb and ate them all up.
They left the lawyer. Why? Professional courtesy.

What do you call four spanish-speaking men standing in
quicksand? ... Quatro cinco.

What do you call a guy with no feet? ... Neil.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of
leaves? ... Russel.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs under a car?
... Jack.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool? ...
Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot tub?
... Stu.

What do you call a guy with no limbs in a shallow pond? ...
Wade.

What do you call a guy with no limbs in a hole in the
ground? ... Phil.

What do you call a guy with a spade in his head? ... Doug.

What do you call a guy on a barbecue grille? ... Frank.

And his girlfriend? ... Patty.

What do you call a woman with one leg? ... Eileen.

What do you call her oriental cousin? ... Irene.

What do you call a woman with both legs? ... Noleen.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

A1: It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

A2: Call him cigarette. Every morning you can take him
out for a drag.

What do you call a man you find at the bottom of the
bathtub? ... Dwayne.

What do you call the costume of a ballerina with one leg?
... A one-one.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who plays a dozen
musical instruments?

... Stump the band.

What mean person said there should be an "s" in lisp?

Receptionist at the incontinence hot line: "can you hold?"

Check your mailbox for the Oscar Meyer sweepstakes, you may
already be a wiener.

Are spooky sausages "Halloweiners?"

Did you hear about the termite who was a new customer at the
bar?

To one of the regulars he said, "Where is the bartender?"

The guy at the bar replies "He's in the back reading pulp
fiction. I'll teak you to him fir a sawbuck."

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everybody else?

Always remember, you are unique, just like everybody else.

The depressed patient and his therapist were discussing
recreational drug use, and the popular image of a frying egg
being characterized as a person's brain if he uses drugs. To the
therapist the patient said, "visualize a raw egg; then visualize
it being cracked into a skillet of hot oil. That's my brain on
reality!"

Did you hear Mary Poppins retired to California and became a
really good astrologer? Apparently, she specializes in helping
people with bad breath. Her shingle reads: "Super California
Mystic - Expert: Halitosis."

Did you hear about the girl named ALLISON who got a new
boyfriend who was a tractor dealer? She sent her old boyfriend a
John Deere letter. He may have a CASE against her for desertion.
When she later dumped the tractor salesman, he cried, "while my
John Deere was plowing the field, your Dear John was breaking my
heart."

Jay Leno, doing "Iron Jay" (an intellectually challenged
fitness enthusiast, with a big chin), was asked what he had to
say about 2% milk. "Well, the 2% milk is ok, I guess; but you
have to wonder what the other 93% is."

What STD do birds get? ... Chirpies. ... It is a CARDINAL
disease; and it is untweetable.

If Lisa Presley has Michael Jackson's baby, is it a glove
child?

Is a pirate ship a thugboat?

One Pirate to another, "do you want to come to the corn
roast?"

"How much?"

"A buck an ear."

If you want a computer-type to hurry up, do you tell him
"fiche or cut byte?" If he wants you to hurry up, you can tell
him "ROM wasn't built in a day."

Do you know what you get when you cross a pit-bull terrier
with a computer? I don't know either, but when it Megabytes it
Megahertz.

Perhaps the most frustrating computer error message of all
time: "Keyboard not responding. F1 to proceed."

URL jokes (The URL is the Uniform Resource Locator, or
address for a page on the World-Wide Web):

James T. Davis offers this URL rhyme:

Some of these are real URLs,

Others are older than Milton BURL.

And some are nuttier than a sqURL;

But what the hey, I thought I'd give it a whURL.

All these URL puns are making me sick. I'm going to hURL.

Did the Duke of URL say, "Don't be so sURLy this URLy in
the day."

This is cURLing my toes; I guess I wasn't away fURLlong
enough.

Shhh! The secrets of the universe are at
http://www.cia.secret .. *& ^^^ NO CARRIER.

What do you holler to a group of castrated men who disapprove
of an university's operating system?

"Hey, eunuchs: you nix UNIX?"

What is the politically correct name for the UNIX system? The
procreatively challenged system?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

Did you hear the news? A suicidal twin killed her sister by
mistake.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac!

"Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!"

Consciousness (def'n): that annoying period between naps.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?

Do they make dog biscuits from collie flour?

The time for action is past! NOW is the time for the
senseless bickering.

Failure is at the end of the path of least persistence.

Does a very heavy rowboat qualify as a hunky dory? If it has
a bell is it a ringy dinghy?

If Fairbanks, Alaska outlawed dogs, would it be called
Dogless Fairbanks?

If Xerox and Wurlitzer merged, would you have a company that
sold reproductive organs?

Is a barber who works in a Library called a Barbarian?

Do sheep get their hair cuts at a baa baa shop?

Toad (def'n): It is what happens to an illegally parked frog.

If a new-born lice lands on a leaf of lettuce is it a new
lice on leaf?

A baby harp seal enters a bar and orders a Canadian Club on
the rocks. He gets a plate of green peas instead.

Now for the younger
set:

A snake and an undertaker wanted to get married. What will
they put on their towels?

... Hiss and hearse!

Why do birds fly south for the winter? ... Because it's too
far to walk.

What's black and white and eats like horse? ... A zebra.

What is the first thing you should do after a steam roller
runs over your foot? ... Call a toe truck.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
called a shipment, and when you send it by ship, its called
cargo?

How do sheep know if you are pulling the wool over their
eyes?

Joe: "Its raining cats and dogs out there!"

Moe: "I know. When I was out, I stepped into a poodle."

Why did the dumb blonde have TGIF written on her shoes? So
she would know: "toes go in first."

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper? ... He sold
his soul to Santa.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Easy: unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way: unique up on it,
too.

Where was Humpty Dumpty last seen? ... Great Falls.

Why is it easier to poach ivory in Alabama than in Africa?
... In Alabama the Tuskaloosa.

Is a barbecue a bunch of little girls' dolls standing in a
line?

Does dragon milk come from cows with very short legs?

Did you hear about the guy who died drinking milk? The cow
fell on him. He was udderly crushed.

In little league, my friend got onto first base. Then he
stole third.

He told the umpire "second was out of my way."

If you have a bunch of candy coated desk-top computers do you
have Reese's PC's?

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide? ... Because it is
too cold outtide.

Where should the animals go if there is another great flood?
... Newark.

What does "benign" mean? It is what you be after you be
eight.

Would Dracula's Mother be Dracma?

Here
are some BY the Younger Set:

These are the answers of six- to
ten-year-olds about various aspects of love: why it happens, what
to do about it, etc., most contributed by Elaine Jordaan
{emjord@FISHNET.NET}.

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS
EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can
tell if he's in love." Bobby, age 9.

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food
will get cold. Other people care more about the food." Bart, age
9.

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are
just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they
just broke up." Sarah, age 9.

"See if the man has lipstick on his face." Sandra, age 7.

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on
fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their
hearts are -- on fire." Christine, age 9.

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING
WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU:"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I
hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9.

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that
they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
Dick, age 7.

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you
feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." Gina, age 8.

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken
dolls." Julia, age 7.

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get
the best of you." Brian, age 7.

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you. That's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 10.

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a
new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 6.

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it,
but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to
buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have
videos of the wedding." Allan, age 10.

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours." Kally, age 9.

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9.

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." Will, age 7.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
Dick, age 7.

"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8.

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash." Dave, age 8.

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love
isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." Natalie, age
9.

The following are actual
quotations from papers of grade school children about classical
music:

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you
better not try to sing.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He
was rather large.

Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have heard
of.

Aaron Copeland is one of our famous contemporary composers.
It is unusal to be contemporary. Most composers don't live until
they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the
one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio gets stabbed also and
they live happily ever after.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Caruso was first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and
said he would go a long way. So he went to America.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written a
long time ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the
Hatfields and the McCoys.

My favorite composer is opus.

A virtuoso is a musician ...with real high morals.

My very best liked piece is the bronze lullaby.

L-O-N-G
puns (or Shaggy Dog Stories):

Many people remember Golda Mier, the former Prime Minister of
Israel. Not many, however, remember her husband, Oscar. He was
an active terrorist leader in Plasticine in the 1940's, trying
to get Israel recognized as the Jewish homeland. Oscar Mier's
band of terrorists were very famous, and effective. They adhered
to a strict dietary code in which they ate only wheat and
wheat-based products. This diet caused the men to develop strong
muscles, all right, but it made many of them irritable and
obnoxious too. Some of them developed attitudes that bordered on
surly and ruthless. And thus they were known far and wide as
"Oscar Mier's All-wheat Meanies."

Did I ever tell you the story of the construction project at
a mental hospital in which the patients were encouraged to take
an active part? This is not a pun, but I enjoyed it anyway. One
of the patients was nailing boards on the side of a storage
shed. Sometimes, he would take a nail out of his pocket and
pound it in, but about half of the time he would just put the
nail back in his other pocket. The construction foreman came
along and asked him why he only used about half of the nails.
The patient replied that those nails in his other pocket could
not be used because they had the head on the wrong end. The
Foreman chuckled a little; but the patient hauled him up short:
"I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid! Those nails are for the
other side of this shed."

From Newsgroup: misc.writing From: Whitesea <
Cwhite@epsilon.com>

Subject: Humor for Tech Writers Date: Fri, 9 Jun 1995 18:41 GMT What would it be like if Dr. Seuss was a
tech writer???
.
Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say:
.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
.
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir:
.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and exit with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to cache your memory & you'll want to RAM your
ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer (and be sure to tell your Mom)!
.

And, speaking of Dr. Seuss, here is one from a U of Texas MBA
student:

From: COREYR @ EMAIL (Corey Rosemond)
{coreyr@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu}
After months of silence, OJ finally spoke at the trial. His words
to Judge Ito were: "I did not, could not and would not have
committed this crime. Seems with a little help from Dr. Suess and
a bit more time, he and Judge Ito could have extended this
statement.
--------------------------------------------------
Ito's statemets in ALL CAPS... OJ's in lower case.
--------------------------------------------------
.
DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU LEAVE A POOL A BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did not leave a pool of blood.
I can not even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.

I really should save this one for the ides of March; but I
won't keep you waiting. There was a farmer who sold his bull
"Caesar" to another rancher across the river from his ranch. As
the cowboys were about to ferry the bull across the river, the
stock keeper who had become fond of the bull asked if he
couldn't have one last bite to eat in his favorite pasture
before going. All hands agreed, so away he went to eat. The
farmer came after a short time to register his complaint that
the bull had not been sent. To the assembled cowboys, he said:
"We came to ferry Caesar, not to graze him!"

And another: Once there was this peasant woman who lived with
her family in a small cottage. She was very poor, and had only
one prized possession: her berry. It was the most beautiful
berry in the kingdom. Fellow peasants would travel miles just in
hopes of getting a glimpse of her wonderful berry. The King, a
very possessive man, heard about the berry and was enraged.
"Such an object should be in the royal treasury," he shouted.
Immediately, he dispatched his men to take the berry from the
peasant and bring it back to the castle. Once at the small
cottage, the knight in charge knocked loudly on the door. "Open
up," he shouted. The husband of the family opened the door. When
he saw the knights, he was frightened. "What can I do for you,
sires?" he asked meekly. "We are here about an object in your
possession." The man smiled, relaxing a bit. "Ah, you wish to
view my wife's berry. It is a very pretty berry, indeed." The
knight snorted:"We are here to seize her berry, not to praise
it!

What did the wood worker say, beaming with pride and all
spruced up? ... I came; I saw; I carpentered.

{More on venerable old Caesar. Best at the Ides of March.}

Veni; Vidi; Vici. -- I came; I saw; I conquered.

Veni; Vidi; Video. -- I came; I saw; I got it on tape.

Veni; Vidi; Vito. -- I came; I saw; I paid my loan shark.

Veni; Vidi; Velcro. -- I came; I saw; I stuck around.

Veni; Vidi; Visa. -- I came; I saw; I shopped.

Veni; Vidi; Peachy. -- I came; I saw; I felt really keen.

Veni; vidi; VD. -- I came; I saw; I cankered.

Veni; vidi; Reachy. -- I came; I saw; I reached for a few
puns.

Veni; vidi; Vacuui. -- I came; I saw; I left.

And
Finally Some Jokes of Most Any Sort:

Subject: Diamond

1. A bright gem, the sparkle of which renders a woman stone
blind to the defects of the man proffering it.

2. A woman's idea of a stepping stone to success.

3. Nothing harder than making the payment on one.

Subject: Lincoln, on his critics

If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks
made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other
business. I do the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing
so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is
said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me
out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no
difference. -Abraham Lincoln (1862)

A guy walks into a pet store wanting to buy a talking bird.
He sees a parrot and says to the bird, "Hey, can you speak,
Stupid?" And the bird replies, "Yes. Can you fly, Dopey?"

Subject: Quick Thinking!

Removing his shoes, an inebriated husband, home from a
night out with the boys, carefully climbed the stairs, opened
the door of the bedroom, entered, and closed the door after
him without being detected. Just as he was about to get into
bed, his wife, aroused from her slumber, turned and sleepily
said, "Is that you Fido?" The husband, relating the rest of
the story said: "For once in my life I had real presence of
mind. I licked her hand, and crawled into bed."

What's a wimp's version of a Pit Bull fight? ... Two poodles
yapping at each other until one of them wets the carpet.

You know your marriage may be in trouble if ...

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat
out tonight and when you get home, there's a sandwich on the
front porch.

A small collection of dry comments by cabin staff to
irritating airline passengers:

Passenger: "How often do planes of this airline crash?"

Attentant: "Only once."

There's a whistle on the lifejacket. You can use it to
attract thesharks." (from QANTAS; I think it sounds best in an
Australian accent).

Passenger: "Why was there no safety drill?"

Attendant: "Simple: we crash, you die."

If you wait too long to marry your dreamboat, you may find,
by the time you have made your mind, his cargo has shifted.

It's soo easy to tell a married couple these days. The
husband is the one who enters to car from the left or street
side. the wife is the one who climbs over the snowbank on the
right side.

One of the first things a Gal learns after marriage is that
candy comes in bars as well as $20.00 boxes.

When a man has put his foot down, it means his wife has
finished vacuuming under the chair.

One of the major problems facing this country today is that
too many women get all excited about nothing. ... And then marry
him!

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to
red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more
than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that
way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd
never expect it.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep,
and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends
and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I
don't know what to tell you.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the
edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he
looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he
thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.

If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should
press a number of wishing floor.

Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

An out-of-work ventriloquist hangs out the shingle as a
necromancer (someone who communicates with the dead). On his
first day, a woman comes in and says, "I would like to speak
with my husband, who died several years ago. If you can get him
to speak to me from the beyond, I will pay you $10,000." His
reply was "Madam, for $10,000 he will speak to you as I drink a
glass of water."

The meetings will continue until we discover why we are not
getting any work accomplished. Credited to Richard P. Feynman.

It's hard for a fellow to keep a chip on his shoulder if you
allow him to take a bow. Credited to the band leader Billy Rose.

Colin Powell removed himself from the bid for the presidency,
saying that it would require "a calling that I do not yet hear."
Bob Dornan and Bob Dole heard the calling. What they didn't know
was, it was a prank call.

Meanwhile, OJ Simpson is still searching for Nicole's real
killer. He says he'll find him, even if he has to search every
sand trap and water hazard in North America.

A lady midget goes into a doctor's office on a rainy day and
tells the doctor, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible
pain in my crotch."

He says, "Hop up on the examination table and I'll see what
I can do."

She gets up on the table, he works on her awhile, and then
he tells her, "Okay, hop down."

She gets down off the table, stands there a second, and
then says,

"Doc! I feel great! What'd you do?"

"I cut two inches off the top of your galoshes."

The Psychiatric Hotline's Voice Messaging System:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5,
and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the
call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please
be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your
head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer.

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years,
but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on
the walkway and fell over into the beer vat. It was a tragedy
-- and Murphy drowned. The foreman thought it was his job to
inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up
at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the
door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy
passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and
drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and
after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me --- and did he
--- suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three
times to go to the men's room."