In a Musing Mood

Impostor Syndrome

Impostor Syndrome is a bitch. There, I said it, dear readers of the page. Impostor syndrome makes me feel like a big fraud, a phony, like I am not a girl or woman, but some freak trying to fit into a round puzzle with a square piece. It blinds me, and consumes me, and often (well, not super often) tells me to pack it in.

What makes me turn off this negative way of thinking? I don’t have many friends, so a support sytem is small and cis and heteronormative. The only person who can kind of understand this irl is Egg, and I’m sure she will even have a tough time truly understanding just how destructive this way of thinking becomes for a lot of trans people. I don’t know the percentages between trans women and trans men concerning impostor syndrome, but from groups and boards I’m in , this syndrome affects a lot of trans women at some point in their transition,

For me, I feel like I won’t be accepted into women-only spaces. I feel like my voice sets me apart from other women. I feel like a giant compared to most women. I’m generally self conscious when it comes to my awkwardness. I want to break out of this internal funk, this battle in my mind.

I won’t stop transitioning. I’ve come so far. I’ve had a surgery, and have another one scheduled in two months. But having a vagina does not make me a woman. I will still have abundant facial hair, and 42 years of testosterone poisoning to try to overcome. On the outside, everything is going smoothly. But in my heard, there is a thunderstorm, a cyclone, and a hurricane all popping off at the same time.

I am a fighter. I have had a relatively easy life. I have a my mood disorders and and invisible illness to deal with, but my upbringing was comfortable, thanks to my parents. They are not, however, supportive of my transition, which leaves Egg and two other people who actively support me. And one of those people I see often enough to believe that I may be able to fool the population at wide. But I don’t want to just fool people (although, I must admit that I take perverse pleasure in hearing people stumble over their words when trying to identify me), I want to be recognized as a woman, and treated with respect and dignity. I haven’t had the blessed opportunity to come across a TERF in real life, so I’m thankful for that. I often wonder what will happen on that fateful day. Will I try to argue, or just say fuck off and keep it moving? I don’t know.

Right now, all I want is to feel good about myself, to feel some self worth, and to get out of my head so much. So, Ill wrap this up now. I don’t really have much more to say, other than impostor syndrome is a bitch. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.