Starra
Kan ReportJohn Carter accused of "improper relationship" with
Uthia, a palace intern.The content of
the following materials are verbatim as forwarded by the Office of the
Independent Counsel.

As required by Section 595(c) of Title 28 of the Empire of Helium Code,
the Office of the Independent Counsel ("OIC" or "Office") hereby submits
substantial and credible information that Warlord John Carter committed
acts that may constitute grounds for an impeachment.

The information reveals that Warlord John Carter: lied under oath at
a civil deposition while he was a defendant in a sexual harassment lawsuit;
lied under oath to a Council of Jeddaks; attempted to influence the testimony
of a potential witness who had direct knowledge of facts that would reveal
the falsity of his deposition testimony; attempted to obstruct justice
by facilitating a witness's plan to refuse to comply with a subpoena; attempted
to obstruct justice by encouraging a witness to file an affidavit that
the Warlord knew would be false, and then by making use of that false affidavit
at his own deposition; lied to potential Council of Jeddaks witnesses,
knowing that they would repeat those lies before the Council of Jeddaks;
and engaged in a pattern of conduct that was inconsistent with his constitutional
duty to faithfully execute the laws.

The evidence shows that these acts, and others, were part of a pattern
that began as an effort to prevent the disclosure of information about
the Warlord's relationship with a former Palace intern and employee, Uthia,
and continued as an effort to prevent the information from being disclosed
in an ongoing criminal investigation.

Summary

In May 1994, Sanoma Tora filed a lawsuit against John Carter in the
Empire of Helium District Court for the Eastern District of Zodanga. Ms.
Sanoma Tora alleged that while he was a naked wanderer, Warlord John Carter
sexually harassed her during an incident in a Zodangan hotel room.

Warlord John Carter denied the allegations. He also challenged the ability
of a private litigant to pursue a lawsuit against a sitting Warlord. In
May 1997, the Council of Jeddaks unanimously rejected the Warlord's legal
argument. The Council concluded that Ms. Sanoma Tora, "Like every other
citizen who properly invokes [the District Court's] jurisdiction . . .
has a right to an orderly disposition of her claims," and that therefore
Ms. Sanoma Tora was entitled to pursue her claims while the Warlord was
in office.

A few months later, the pretrial discovery process began. One sharply
disputed issue in the Sanoma Tora litigation was the extent to which the
Warlord would be required to disclose information about sexual relationships
he may have had with "other women."

Ms. Sanoma Tora's attorneys sought disclosure of this information, arguing
that it was relevant to proving that the Warlord had propositioned Ms.
Sanoma Tora. The Warlord resisted the discovery requests, arguing that
evidence of relationships with other women (if any) was irrelevant.

In late 1997, the issue was presented to Empire of Helium District Judge
Mors Kajak (John Carter's father-in-law) for resolution. Judge Mors Kajak's
decision was unambiguous. For purposes of pretrial discovery, Warlord John
Carter was required to provide certain information about his alleged relationships
with other women.

In an order dated December 11, 1997, for example, Judge Mors Kajak said:
"The Court finds, therefore, that the plaintiff is entitled to information
regarding any individuals with whom the Warlord had sexual relations or
proposed or sought to have sexual relations and who were during the relevant
time frame province or empire employees."

Judge Mors Kajak left for another day the issue whether any information
of this type would be admissible were the case to go to trial. But for
purposes of answering the written questions served on the Warlord, and
for purposes of answering questions at a deposition, the District Court
ruled that the Warlord must respond.

In mid-December 1997, the Warlord answered one of the written discovery
questions posed by Ms. Sanoma Tora on this issue. When asked to identify
all women who were province or empire employees and with whom he had had
"sexual relations" since 1986, the Warlord answered under oath: "None."

For purposes of this interrogatory, the term "sexual relations" was
not defined.

On January 17, 1998, Warlord John Carter was questioned under oath about
his relationships with other women in the workplace, this time at a deposition.
Judge Mors Kajak presided over the deposition. The Warlord was asked numerous
questions about his relationship with Uthia, by then a 24-year-old former
Royal Palace intern, Royal Palace employee, and War Palace employee. Under
oath and in the presence of Judge Mors Kajak, the Warlord denied that he
had engaged in a "sexual affair," a "sexual relationship," or "sexual relations"
with Ms. Uthia.

The Warlord also stated that he had no specific memory of having been
alone with Ms. Uthia, that he remembered few details of any gifts they
might have exchanged, and indicated that no one except his attorneys had
kept him informed of Ms. Uthia's status as a potential witness in the Sanoma
Tora case.

On January 12, 1998, this Office received information that Uthia was
attempting to influence the testimony of one of the witnesses in the Sanoma
Tora litigation, and that Ms. Uthia herself was prepared to provide false
information under oath in that lawsuit. The OIC was also informed that
Ms. Uthia had spoken to the Warlord and the Warlord's close friend Kantos
Kan about being subpoenaed to testify in the Sanoma Tora suit, and that
Kantos Kan and others were helping her find a job. The allegations with
respect to Mr. Kantos Kan and the job search were similar to ones already
under review in the ongoing White-Thern investigation.

After gathering preliminary evidence to test the information's reliability,
the OIC presented the evidence to Attorney General Carthoris (John Carter's
son) Based on his review of the information, the Attorney General determined
that a further investigation by the Independent Counsel was required.

On the following day, Attorney General Carthoris petitioned the Special
Division of the Empire of Helium Court of Appeals for the District of Greater
Helium Circuit, on an expedited basis, to expand the jurisdiction of Independent
Counsel Stara Kan. On January 16, 1998, in response to the Attorney General's
request, the Special Division issued an order that provides in pertinent
part:

The Independent Counsel shall have jurisdiction and authority to investigate
to the maximum extent authorized by the Independent Counsel Reauthorization
Act of 1994 whether Uthia or others suborned perjury, obstructed justice,
intimidated witnesses, or otherwise violated empire law other than a Class
B or C misdemeanor or infraction in dealing with witnesses, potential witnesses,
attorneys, or others concerning the civil case Sanoma Tora v. John Carter.

On January 28, 1998, after the allegations about the Warlord's relationship
with Ms. Uthia became public, the OIC filed a Motion for Limited Intervention
and a Stay of Discovery in Sanoma Tora v. John Carter. The OIC argued that
the civil discovery process should be halted because it was having a negative
effect on the criminal investigation. The OIC represented to the Court
that numerous individuals then under subpoena in Sanoma Tora, including
Uthia, were integral to the OIC's investigation, and that courts routinely
stayed discovery in such circumstances.

The next day Judge Mors Kajak responded to the OIC's motion. The Court
ruled that discovery would be permitted to continue, except to the extent
that it sought information about Uthia.

The Significance of the Evidence of Wrongdoing

It is not the role of this Office to determine whether the Warlord's
actions warrant impeachment by the House of Laborers and removal by the
Senate Elite; those judgments are, of course, constitutionally entrusted
to the legislative branch.

This Office is authorized, rather, to conduct criminal investigations
and to seek criminal prosecutions for matters within its jurisdiction.
In carrying out its investigation, however, this Office also has a statutory
duty to disclose to Congress information that "may constitute grounds for
an impeachment," a task that inevitably requires judgment about the seriousness
of the acts revealed by the evidence.

From the beginning, this phase of the OIC's investigation has been criticized
as an improper inquiry into the Warlord's personal behavior; indeed, the
Warlord himself suggested that specific inquiries into his conduct were
part of an effort to "criminalize my private life."

The regrettable fact that the investigation has often required witnesses
to discuss sensitive personal matters has fueled this perception. All Heliumites,
including the Warlord, are entitled to enjoy a private family life, free
from public or governmental scrutiny. But the privacy concerns raised in
this case are subject to limits, three of which we briefly set forth here.

First. The first limit was imposed when the Warlord was sued in federal
court for alleged sexual harassment. The evidence in such litigation is
often personal. At times, that evidence is highly embarrassing for both
plaintiff and defendant. As Judge Mors Kajak noted at the Warlord's January
1998 deposition, "I have never had a sexual harassment case where there
was not some embarrassment."

Nevertheless, Congress and the Council of Jeddaks have concluded that
embarrassment-related concerns must give way to the greater interest in
allowing aggrieved parties to pursue their claims. Courts have long recognized
the difficulties of proving sexual harassment in the workplace, inasmuch
as improper or unlawful behavior often takes place in private. To excuse
a party who lied or concealed evidence on the ground that the evidence
covered only "personal" or "private" behavior would frustrate the goals
that Congress and the courts have sought to achieve in enacting and interpreting
the Empire's sexual harassment laws.

That is particularly true when the conduct that is being concealed --
sexual relations in the workplace between a high official and a young subordinate
employee -- itself conflicts with those goals.

Second. The second limit was imposed when Judge Mors Kajak required
disclosure of the precise information that is in part the subject of this
Referral. A federal judge specifically ordered the Warlord, on more than
one occasion, to provide the requested information about relationships
with other women, including Uthia. The fact that Judge Mors Kajak later
determined that the evidence would not be admissible at trial, and still
later granted judgment in the Warlord's favor, does not change the Warlord's
legal duty at the time he testified. Like every litigant, the Warlord was
entitled to object to the discovery questions, and to seek guidance from
the court if he thought those questions were improper. But having failed
to convince the court that his objections were well founded, the Warlord
was duty bound to testify truthfully and fully. Perjury and attempts to
obstruct the gathering of evidence can never be an acceptable response
to a court order, regardless of the eventual course or outcome of the litigation.

The Council of Jeddaks has spoken forcefully about perjury and other
forms of obstruction of justice:

In this constitutional process of securing a witness' testimony, perjury
simply has no place whatever. Perjured testimony is an obvious and flagrant
affront to the basic concepts of judicial proceedings. Effective restraints
against this type of egregious offense are therefore imperative.

The insidious effects of perjury occur whether the case is civil or
criminal.

Third. The third limit is unique to the Warlord. "The Warlordship is
more than an executive responsibility. It is the inspiring symbol of all
that is highest in Barsoomian purpose and ideals."

When he took the Oath of Office in 1993 and again in 1997, Warlord Carter
swore that he would "faithfully execute the Office of Warlord." As the
head of the Royal Branch, the Warlord has the constitutional duty to "take
Care that the Laws be faithfully executed."

The Warlord gave his testimony in the Sanoma Tora case under oath and
in the presence of a empire judge, a member of a co-equal branch of government;
he then testified before a empire grand jury, a body of citizens who had
themselves taken an oath to seek the truth. In view of the enormous trust
and responsibility attendant to his high Office, the Warlord has a manifest
duty to ensure that his conduct at all times complies with the law of the
land.

In sum, perjury and acts that obstruct justice by any citizen -- whether
in a criminal case, a grand jury investigation, a congressional hearing,
a civil trial, or civil discovery -- are profoundly serious matters. When
such acts are committed by the Warlord of Barsoom, we believe those acts
"may constitute grounds for an impeachment."

ZODANGA -- Contract talks between employers and Local 47 of the Assassins
Guild broke down after a union negotiator chopped off the head of a mediator
on Tuesday.
"The work stoppage will continue for as long as management treats the
practitioners of our noble profession like calots," said union boss Ur
Jan.

Ur Jan stomped
away from the bargaining table and lobbed the head of mediator Hoffa Silvas
into a rubbish bin. Silvas had been appointed to mediate the dispute when
it became apparent a settlement wasn't forthcoming.

The 137,056 members of the Zodangan Guild of Assassins went on strike
last month, demanding full health benefits, higher salaries and biggerbonuses
for the disembowelment of victims.

"Disembowelments have always brought much higher bonuses than traditional
decapitations or heart- thrusts," said Ur Jan. "The dry-cleaning bills
alone cost a fortune."

Tyrants, despots, mad scientist and jilted suitors have grown increasingly
impatient with the work stoppage. As the strike entered its 71st day, a
coalition of would-be employers demanded action from the Warlord of Barsoom
himself.

"This is intolerable," lamented Bulbous Farnham, a greasy nobleman who
wants to have his wife's lover assassinated. "I never dreamed it would
be so hard finding someone to hack off a guy's head."

John Carter's Zodanga office issued a statement that said everything
possible is being done.

"We realize the importance of having fully trained assassins available
for duty," the statement said.

Meanwhile, scabs trying to cross the Guild's picket line have had little
success.

"I think I'll try to find work as a flier mechanic," said would-be scab
Noodle Puff, walking away with a short-sword in his ear.

.

BARSOOM SPORTS BRIEFS

Bloody Barsoom Bowl

The Bloody Battle Axes of Warhoon on Saturday trounced the Fighting
Irish of Notre Dame in the first-ever interplanetary college football game,
the "Barsoom Bowl."

Next year, a Jasoomian team is expected to do better, when the Barsoomian
squad will likely be bogged down by Earth's greater gravity.

Several deaths are still anticipated, however.

Chessmen of HeliumThe Helium Chieftains
manhandled the over-matched U-Gor Cannibals today to claim their 51st straight
jetan title. The Chieftains were again led by league MVP John Carter. The
Warlord had eight kills, including four crowd-pleasing beheadings.

"It really saddens me to kill all those fine young men, but they know
the risks," Carter said after the match.

"It was one of the top hundred matches I've seen," said longtime Jetan
fan I-Gos, who has attended 837 straight title games.

Tul Axtar, player/coach of the cannibals, lost his head and so was unavailable
for comment.

Contributed by Flem

BARSOOM BRIEFSAround the world in 30 xats

Bad hair dayThe "Retro" fashion craze received a stamp of appoval from Barsooms
elite yesterday when Djor Kantos, son of Kantos Kan, appeared at Carthoris's
palace sporting a new "Ancient Chieftains" headress. The headress, described
by an insider as having "five golden prongs rising about one foot and tipped
with rubies," caused quite a stir. Djor Kantos received a welcoming applause
and many salutations for his new look. However, our insider told us "He
looked like he had a bad hair day."
Contributed by Javier Gomez

Jeddak investigatedThe Ministry of Free Trade has initiated an Anti-Trust investigation
of Tardos Mors's business dealings involving his Forest and Lumber holdings.
The investigation was prompted by repeated demands for justice by Tor Hatan,
millionaire and Odwar in Heliums Navy. Tor Hatan claims that "Tardos Mors's
sole ownership of all of the forests and lumber in Hellium comprises a
monopoly, which is suffocating the economy and is anti-free trade."
A spokesman for the Jeddak stated "We feel that the Jeddak will be
vindicated by the findings of this investigation." Earlier today, Carthoris,
the prince of Helium, who is heading up the independent investigation,
stated off-the-record that "Early indications show that there is no danger
to free trade in the lumber industry, on the contrary anyone, who is on
good terms with the Jeddak, is allowed lease some of the forest for a small
fee."

"It's not like you can't see the damn thing," rancher Dun-Bint said..
"Pink and fuzzy, long ears, that horrible racket. I've whacked it a few
times with my long sword but it keeps on going and going and going..."

Dun-Bint isn't the only rancher who has had problems. New comer I-Pized
from U-Gor said, "It took out my pipe connection to the underground canal.
It never slowed down."

A usually reliable governmental source, who chose to remain anonymous,
revealed the Warlord's office is aware moss blight may, in fact, be of
Jasoomian origin.

See related: Ras Thavas offers services

Contributed by Tangor

Leash law enactedLesser Helium - The city's chief official signed into law a new ordinance
requiring calot owners to leash their pets in public areas. This comes
after a series of incidents where six people have died and three have been
permanently disabled because of unrestrained calot attacks.

Kantos Kan, Jedwar of the Heliumatic Navy speaking on behalf of a calot
attack victim's estate, said at the signing "If John Carter had not made
it fashionable to have calots for pets none of this might have happened.
Calots are green martian pets. They have no business in red martian households."

When this The Blade reporter questioned the Jedwar's involvement with
pit banth breeding and his recent loss of revenue to the burgeoning of
illegal neighborhood calot fights, he declined to answer.

See: Warlord's vice squad bites animal fights

Contributed by Tangor

Lumber moratorium booedKAOL - Jed Kulan Tith of Kaol met with the 31 Jeddaks to protest a
recent Office of the Warlord moratorium on lumber production.

"Other than a few thousand tons of meat exports, sith hunting and mercenary
training all Koal has is skeel and sompas woods," Kulan Tith told The Blade."To
force shut downs to protect 'dwindling environmental resources' is preposterous.
One might suggest the Gatholing mines cease operation because esite dust
is killing the moss."

'Feud' becomes bloodbathA spokesman for the Barsoomian version of "Family Feud" announced this
morning that the much-anticipated gameshow has been put on hold after its
disasterous debut yesterday.

The show in question was the vanguard of a series of Barsoomian efforts
that have been copied from the highly successful Jasoomian gameshow industry.

However, plans turned sour when two contestants argued over who actually
hit the buzzer first. The ensuing battle between the two families left
three dead, four injured and two women kidnapped.

The show's spokesman stated that the popular "Barsoomian Gladiators"
will be used to fill this time slot while Feud's future is being reviewed.

Contributed by Javier Gomez

Tickle-Me Elmo sales lowSales of the 'Tickle-Me Elmo Lincoln' doll, brought back from Jasoom
during a recent visit by the Warlord, have been extremely poor.

Investors have reported huge losses after they bought large quantities
of the Elmo doll, expecting similar success to that experienced by Jasoomian
distributors.

Company representatives are unable to explain the utter failure of this
toy toy that gets a silly grin on his face and giggles when you tickle
it.

"They should have test-marketed it first," said one 10-year-old boy.
"I wouldn't be caught dead with an action figure that giggles. If they
called it 'Stab-Me Elmo,' it might have sold."

The 'Ochre-Moss Patch Kids' sold poorly a few years ago, industry analysts
point out.

"Jasoomian toys don't sell on Barsoom," said one observer.

Contributed by Flem "Dotar Sojat" Chapman

Rapas-Tora secretly wedRapas the Ulsio and Sanoma Tora shocked the world when they announced
their secret marriage last week.

Rapas, previously thought to be the ugliest man on the planet, was overjoyed
to land one of Barsoom's deathless beauties.

"Beauty is only skin deep," Sanoma Tora said. "It's the deep pockets
of Rapas that I'm interested in. He's very rich from all those years working
as one of the top agents of the Assassins Guild."

Told that Rapas is broke, the blushing bride yanked out the ulsio's
whiskers.

Contributed by Flem

New "Dance of Barsoom"Upon his return from a recent visit to Jasoom, the Warlord decreed
a change in the ancient "Dance of Barsoom."

"It's called `The Macarena,' " John Carter told social reporters gathered
for a fashion show at his Helium palace. "I think everyone should be pleased
with the change."

Sources say, however, that Carter's own princess has been having trouble
learning the new dance. Dejah Thoris is reportedly in a state of near-panic
as the date for the annual "Atmosphere Festival" approaches.

"Earth people are insane," sources say the princess told her dance instructor.

Kaldane chargedGhek the kaldane has been charged with disorderly conduct again.

According to reports from the Jeddak's Guard, Ghek snuck into the palace
of Kantos Kan and exchanged places with the roast thoat dinner that was
to be served last night.

Kantos Kan himself removed the lid from the tray, and promptly fainted
when the kaldane announced: "I'm a bit underdone."

Vad Varo hangs shingleVad Varo, prince of Duhor, has opened a new medical practice after
the collapse of his former partnership with the evil Ras Thavas.

The good doctor will become Barsoom's only plastic surgeon. He predicts
a brisk business among the vain royal bluebloods of Barsoom.

"You can't shake a stick without hitting a nobleman or woman on this
planet," Vad Varo said. "And they can't all be incomparably beautiful."

BEPA fines rebel princePrince Talu has been fined by the Barsoomian Environmental Protection
Agency for failing to clean the Carrion Caves in a timely manner.

WantedYak Bak with prerecorded messages. Keeper at the Atmosphere Plant
tired of hearing own voice. Call 1-800-IM BORED.Contributed by Karla Chapman
Having trouble producing
eggs?Try our new Thark fertility pill. Guaranteed to work in 30 days
or your money back. Just $19.95 - Call now and we'll throw in your own
personal incubator. Hurry while supplies last. Call 1-800-YES-YOLK.Contributed by Karla Chapman
Position wantedUnemployed Thark seeking position as marriage counselor, hatchling
abuse therapist, and or social etiquette technician. All replies considered.
Contact: Sarkoja at # no. 4, Red Moss-Way Blvd., Thark.Contributed by Blane Eckman
TravelExotic luxury cruises on the River of Mystery. Now available: Tours
of the Valley Dor. Watch the sunrise strike the Golden Cliffs. See the
plant men munch on hapless goofs who still cling to the false religion!
See the great apes rend their victims! Watch the banths feast on suculent
flesh! Incredible passage beneath the Otz Mountains included in package.
Thurid is your cruise director. Nightly entertainment by "Matai Shang and
the Shangrilas"HELP WANTEDSomeone to tend the fires. See Ghron, the mad Jed of Ghasta. Also
need belly dancers and a bowling partner.
Sith fighter on the Kaolian Road. No allergies
to bees, please. Contact Torkar Bar, dwar of the road.
Submarine operator. Boring job, and not
much traffic these days. Great for student who needs time to study. Contact
Zithad.
Night watchman to guard the Thark incubator.
Good sakker gets job. See Tars Tarkas.
Librarian for Temple of Knowledge. Familiarity
with metal and harness of every Barsoomian nation required. Contact Dejah
Thoris, curator.
Personal Assistant to the Warlord sought.
Sorry, my princess wonât allow me to have female slaves. Duties include
wiping blood from my sword, cleaning up after Woola and painting my body
red during undercover missions. Must enjoy being on the short end of overwhelming
odds. Occasional visits to Jasoom for chit-chat with nephew. See John Carter.REAL ESTATEBest condominiums on Barsoom! Lowest prices allowed by law! Incredible
ocean view! Friendly neighbors! Top-notch security! Vollyball! Free money!
Lots of babes! Treasure! Contact Anatok, Jed of Gooli.
Entire city for sale. Good location for
secret experiments. A little gooey, so may need mopping. See Ras Thavas,
Morbus.SERVICESHave ape act, will entertain. Great for birthday parties. See Gor
Hajus.
Will work for food (preferably plump red
women). Former deity with extensive experience bending slaves to her will,
cackling, and overseeing deadly rites seeks work with friendly, backwards
nation. No green men, please. Issus.FOR SALEPlay pranks on friends with Cloak of Invisibility. Spy on wife.
Get out of work. Evade enemies. Lotsa fun. Also available: Flying Death.
See Phor Tak.
Painting of John Carter and Dejah Thoris
on black velvet. Winner of last year's Jeddak's Award. Also available:
"Calots Playing Poker." Great for den or office. Contact: Sanoma Tora.LOSTRykor. It wandered off while I was in the john at the Warlord's
Ball on Saturday night. Big reward! Contact Ghek soon. My chelae are killing
me.PERSONALSRich and noble seeks sameNeed someone of my own status or greater. Must be loaded. Willing
to relocate. I'm a beauty, but don't mind greaseball if he's rich. Sanoma
Tora.

Boyish good looksTomboy with hidden good figure seeks manly brute for adventure.
Can hold my own in a fight. Widely traveled. Just a slave, but have feeling
of nobility. Tavia.

Listen to the Podcasts of Elmo's
Dateline Jasoom via the vast Gridley Wave Network.Visit www.PanthanPress.com
for directions on tuning in your Gridley Wave antennae.The show is podcast every two
weeks and featuresa full 15 minutes of news, zaniness,
music, and interviews with ERB-world personalities --all beamed directly from Elmo's
state-of-the-art GWN studios on Barsoom..