Dennis Hasbert in Intensive Rehabilitation Therapy

According to the Chicago AP, former U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert has agreed to pay $3.5 million to the victim of his sex-abuse. He still hasn’t been sentenced. Rumor has it he may also undergo “Intensive Rehabilitation Therapy” commonly used by politicians and celebrities. I was able to obtain from a confidential source a copy of the “Intense Therapy” that Dennis Hasbert may undertake. The program is known as Bogus and Unauthentic Legalized Larceny and Spurious Hypocritical Intense Therapy (BULL SH*T). This intense therapy is for one week.

Sunday Mixer

Join in a mixer for all attendees Sunday night at 7 PM until? Meet the instructors and fellow politicians who have fallen from grace. Open bar and free marijuana tasting (not yet available in all states).

Monday Session

How to Hold a Press Conference. Learn how to deny charges without using the telltale signs for lying. Learn how to say “intense therapy” with a straight face. Learn how to pronounce new words like “paparazzi”. Panel discussion with panelists Bob Filner, Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, Alex Baldwin and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Tuesdays Session

Sex-Abuse 101. Learn how to pay hush money without leaving a paper trail. Included are proven methods to avoid blackmail and getting caught.

Wednesday Sessions

Recreational Drugs for the Whole Family. Learn the proper way to use a bong.

Thursday Sessions

Stings are my Favorite Things. Learn to identify a sting operation. Learn the best hiding places for your drugs. Learn how to avoid a body cavity search.

Friday Sessions

Yes, You Can Be Re-elected. Instructor – Mark Sanford, re-elected Congressman for South Carolina. Closing Ceremony: Graduation ceremony for those who have not dropped out of the program, been removed from office or arrested.