Monday, March 30, 2009

Symptoms: Irritability, short temper, agitation, repeating the chant "I hate my life", low tolerance for stupid people, lazy people, people who are all talk, people who flirt all day, people who have attitudes. All leading up to the patient cussing out the "IT" moron and walking out at 4pm. Aftermath was a ton of crying, calling The Boy and yelling, a lot of cussing, thoughts of going postal, wondering if I have enough in savings to quit (nope), and how to finally find time to write my resume. Yea, it was a BAD day.

I am also having Boy issues in my head. I am almost 33 and even after my divorce at 23 I thought I would be married again and with a family at 35. Now I am in a relationship with someone 1300 miles away. There are times when I think he would be completely happy like this forever. I am envious of my friends who have their boyfriends and husbands around. I want to go out to dinner, go to movies, cook dinner together, work on the house together, be adults together. But I don't get to do any of that. I am ready to work with someone towards goals. Pick out new furniture together, save together, start a family, be a team with someone. Instead I spend 6-7 weeks being single and then part of a couple for 5 days. I have a boyfriend who lives with his roommate, plays video games every weekend with his friends, sometimes it feels like I am dating someone in his early 20's. This was the type of guy I dated in college. I have been on dates and dated guys who have goals about their future, who do things in anticipation of adding someone to their lives and starting a family. Dare I say, they plan for their future. The Boy seems to think that planning is counterproductive and since things change, why plan. That is life!!! I love him but damn it, sometimes I feel like I am destined to live in this house alone and in a long distance relationship for ever,

I will be out of this funk before I step on the plane, I promise, I just need a little rest and time off, I think.

UPDATE: Thinking about this post tonight, I should clarify that I am not looking for The Boy to move back next month or pop questions, but it would be nice to know that we are both going down the same path. It would also help if this wasn't an open ended separation. And if I had some clue that he was thinking past next week or next month and planning a future past the next work project.