Two months

It’s hard to believe it’s been two months. Two months since you crashed into my life with a suddenness that was overwhelming.

Every day is a new adventure. You’re never the same. It seems that each day you’re doing something new, exploring your ever-expanding world. You eyes seem brighter, more focused. You watch me now, look at shadows, stare intently at the ceiling and I can only wonder what you’re seeing.

Your hands are still constantly curled into a fists and I wonder when that will stop. However, you are starting to use your hands more, curling and uncurling your fingers. You’ve started kicking your feet when you’re excited. Or upset. You poke your tongue out all the time, like you’re trying to taste the world. Best of all, you’ve started smiling. If I’m lucky, you give me a huge smile in the morning when you wake up and realise I’m standing at your cot, ready to pick you up. And it’s nice. It’s nice to be smiled at when previously all you did was frown at me.

I watch you with your daddy and it’s such a beautiful thing to see. You smile at him, almost silently laughing. You’re so peaceful when you’re curled up in his lap asleep, your head on his chest. His hand reaches right across your tiny back and it seems like for you it’s the safest place in the world. Eventually – and probably earlier than we think – you’ll be too big to curl up in our laps and go to sleep. We won’t be able to make you happy by simply holding you close. We won’t be your safe place in the world.

Right now there’s so much I don’t understand about you. So many times I’ve struggled to make you happy because I don’t know what you need and you can’t tell me. I feel so out of my depth. This is something I never expected I’d do. I never thought I’d have a child. Other times I feel that you deserve someone better than me to be your mum. So often it feels like I’m doing the wrong things with you. I’m so unsure that what I’m doing is okay, that I’m not somehow already messing you up.

I guess all I can do is give you my time and love. If I can do that, then I think you’ll turn out okay.