Then you need write a patent! No worries — the US patent office will accept anything, no matter how crazy it is. Case in point: US Patent No. 8,609,158 which is, apparently, a cure for everything. It is a patent for a pharmaceutical drug, or food, or recipe, or lifestyle (it’s really hard to say) that purports to be “so potent that it removes or alleviates” the following problems:

Depression

Mood disorders

Attention Disorder symptoms

Thought disorder

Mental illness

Pain

Right lip retardation symptoms

Physical problems

Lymph Node cancer

Bumps in the neck

… and many other illness symptoms

Here is the abstract:

This is a potent drug with narcotic benefits made from distinctly and uniquely combined and processed interchangeable seed and seed derivatives that are so potent that it removes or alleviates depression, mood disorders, Attention Disorder symptoms, thought disorder, mental illness, pain, right lip retardation symptoms, physical problems, Lymph Node cancer and many other illness symptoms. It removes bumps in the neck within a week or two. It is interchangeable in most aspects. It can be combined and processed with Pharmaceuticals and medicines to create new drugs. These Pharmaceuticals are now long lasting. I prefer the daily dose, but this drug can last months. It is extremely strong or potent and can be made weak to make your little Attention deficit child normal. It is an incredible mood stabilizer and reduces psychosis. Use it for cancer patient and for people with pain issues. It works.

This drug (or recipe or concoction or whatever) is so fucking awesome! It doesn’t just cure cancer … it fucking rebukes it, like some kind of old-timey priest-shaman casting out demons. The inventor notes that she is “a minister who has prayed my way through this medicine.”

This patent far outshines the myriad of other patents for nonsensical bullshit inventions. It is not just a patent for a magic pill written in the language of crazy-talk: It is a patent written in such an incoherent manner that it’s actually difficult to tell what the fuck the “invention” is.

For example, if you are among the “Paranoid Delusional and the Chronically Mentally Ill,” you are instructed to consume a specific cooked version of the “invention” (a bunch of random herbs) along with two cups of coffee.

And then there’s rocks and dirt. No, that’s not a typo: Rocks and dirt appear to be important for the continual treatment of cancer, at least according to the “Favorite Best Method.” The inventor notes that she herself is “almost normal when I take my favorite best method.” Here’s an excerpt on the role that rocks and dirt play:

Rocks (Sand), soil, dirt, and other rock ingredients (Volcanic ash), land substances, and the contents of these ingredients and earth ingredients or parts of the earth benefit this patent. I have used them all. Use the minerals and what’s in these ingredients to add benefits and change the Patent into a different function and inside these ingredients the results will be the additional uses to make this patent and many others. To make these items easily digestible, I cooked sand, dirt, rock, volcanic ash and added it.

So … yeah. This inventor clearly has some problems and I shouldn’t be picking on her and I don’t want to be picking on her. But the US Patent Office … what’s their fucking excuse? Somebody there allegedly read through this incoherent drivel.

It has never really been the case that an invention has to be real or functional to be patented. For example, Nikola Tesla’s last US patent was for a vertical takeoff tilt-wing biplane. The schematics for the device look like something cooked up through gnomish engineering in World of Warcraft. It would have flown like an osmium anvil, and yet it was patented. But at least that patent was well-written, and at least it clearly defined what the “invention” was. The same cannot be said for US Patent No. 8,609,158.

This wonder drug has won the Stupid Patent of the Month award at the Electronic Frontier Foundation, which is how I came to know about it.

2 Responses to Cure For Everything Now Patented!

“It is extremely strong or potent and can be made weak to make your little Attention deficit child normal.”—Somehow the words “strong” and “potent” in relation to a drug seem the complete opposite of what I’d want to give a “little” child.