Relationships Shouldn't Be More Important Than Friends

I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of relationships. I wonder if or why a single relationship in our life, the one we have, or will have, with our significant other is supposed to be bigger, better, than the one we have with friends. Why is this the one that we should make count or last? I have an eccentric varied group of friends and, for the really close ones, I call them my family. I love them, some say, too much. I would do anything for them no questions asked, but it is the outsiders that make me stop to think and say "should I be asking questions?" Anyway that's a post for another time.

Why do we strive to find mates who we feel complete with, but sometimes keep around friends that make us feel less than ourselves? I have friends who make me feel complete, who strive to make me happy every chance they can, and who want to make me feel loved and wanted. I even have some friends who do the jobs I mentioned above AND fulfill me sexually. So why do I keep looking for that elusive semi-perfect (no one can be perfect) mate?

I think, for those times I feel utterly alone and nothing feels right. No matter what HMH says or DG does I feel about as low as I can get. I don't think someone I haven't even met yet, or the someones I haven't met yet will fill that hole for me. I know I will have to fill it for myself. Which is egregious if I may say so.

I believe that friends make part of our lives, however, as time goes by and our routine and habits changes, our personality become different and we start making new friendships.I understand that you love your friends, but a husband or partner is supposed to stay by your side the most part of your life.Be with you, complete you, even that's not 100% !!!!
So, it can be a little romantic, but the person who shares everyday with you and had made the votes of marriage, definitely will love you, really much. More than any friend .....

5 years

I've been struggling with this for months now. My husband puts his friends before me and it makes me sick... it makes me feel like im not important to him and like he abandoned me. I left my friends for him some time back{i lost contact with them} but, he haven't done the same, But i think your partner should be the most important person in your life!!!

I"ve struggled with this very question for a looong time! My fiance is my best friend and has been for over 7 years now. My other friends claim that I choose him over them and that I spend all of my time with him. The reality is, he is my favorite person to spend time with because he is my best friend and I can completely be myself around him.... more so than I can with my friends or even some family members. Being with him feels relaxed and fun. We always have a great time even lounging around the house . I think for people who find "sitting on the couch with their spouse- stuck in the house- bored and missing friends" have never been in love with their best friend or been in love period. Love doesn't feel that way. Even lounging around we laugh, cuddle, kiss, have fun and I think it okay if your spouse comes before your friends. Especially if you plan on starting a family together. If your freinds come before your spouse, it will make it very difficult for the two of you to stay together.

Personally, I consider my marriage to be the primary relationship in my life. My husband feels the same way about the marriage, too.
However, with that said, I still value my friendships. One friend, in particular, has been in my life longer than some men. If my husband and I ended up divorced, chances are, she would still be in my life. Yes, on some levels, friendships are secondary relationships by nature, but they are still endearing. With this particular friend, I consider (and treat) her like a good family member. For me, it really depends on the friendship.

I think the importance of certain relationships is different for each person. I know a lot of people who consider their friendships to be their strongest bonds. Personally, I've never felt that way about any of my friends and prefer my friendships to have as few strings attached as possible though my husband is the most important person in my life. I'm sure there are a lot of others who feel the same.

I disagree. My boyfriend is my best friend and while people don't believe in the perfect soul mate I know I have found mind. Significant others are great because they give you everything a friend can give you only more. I feel more like myself when I'm with him. Don't get me wrong I love girl time, but nothing replaces a special bond between you and your significant other.

Anonymous #20 this is how the Internet works - Someone asks for people's thoughts on something, people voice their opinions. It's not about changing others' minds and lifestyles. Just because your message doesn't start with "In my opinion....." doesn't mean you're trying to impose anything.

5 years

"should" and "shouldn't" are my two least favorite words. basically they are only used when someone is trying to impose their values upon you. But the internet wouldn't be the internet without that, would it? If you want to have your friends come before your sig. other that's fine with me but there is really no reason to say that the way you live your life is superior to the way others live theirs.

They shouldn't ! You start by neglecting your buddies to hang out with your boyfriend one too many weekends and next thing you know, you're married, with children, and no prospect of having a social life ever again. And then you just sit around with your hubby in front of the TV on saturday nights, trying to look like you don't hate each other too much, waiting for death to just take one of you already. That is if you still even have a husband.

I understand where the article is coming from, but I tend to disagree. Obviously you want to balance your life, and not neglect your social life, but the person I'm potentially spending the rest of my life with, is more important than my friends. She is my best friend and my lover. Can't say that for my other friends, sorry :P

I agree that there should be a balance. I think its important not to make plan after plan and call it off for frivolous reasons. Its also not healthy to do NOTHING with anyone else such as friends or other family members. It shouldn't be a situation where one is pit against the other.
But your partner is someone you're in the process of creating a life with. Your relationship with your partner has to be the foundation for every major decision you make from then on. You don't enter into a mortgage with your friends, buy a car, adopt at pet, start a family, etc. It's a very different relationship and there are priorities that are more important.

Well, ideally your partner IS your best friend and your lover (as creepy as that term always is). I'd rather see my husband than anyone else in the world. I don't have more fun with anyone else. I call my friends and have lunch with them, but they're all very secondary. I'm comfortable with them, but there's no way I'd reveal as much of myself to them.
It's nice to have friends, and it's important to make sure they feel appreciated and cared about, but they are so very secondary to a relationship.

You should just love the love all around! My best friend is engaged, but we call eachother "non-lesbionic (yes, we made up that word) life partners" because we can't imagine life without eachother. Love between friends and love between lovers is a different kind of love, but they should both be embraced and nurtured. Maybe I sound kind of sunshine-flowers-and-dewdrops, but I think we should hold on to our happiness where we get it. Never abandon your friends for a lover, never abandon your lover for your friends.

I totally agree that your partner should be first in your life. However, I also get tired of friends who I always have to end up calling and setting stuff up with way in advance to even see/talk to them. I understand that they have husbands and families to take care of, but sometimes I wish they thought of me before I had to contact them. Then when we finally do get together they always say they want to do it more often and need to make changes, but then they never actually do it and things go back to the way they were. I don't want to sound annoying and selfish, but it is totally different for me than my friends as right now I'm not dating anyone and they are married and some are married with kids. I understand they have to set things up in advance due to their hectic life, but sometimes it just gets lonely and while I know I have friends sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

If your partner isn't the #1 in your life, why are they your partner? That relationship needs to be THE most important priority in your life or it won't last. You have lots of friends but the partner is on an entirely different level.

I agree with others: there is nothing more amazing than being around someone you like to do things with as you do with your friends and on top of that you have the physical connection... it's really magical! it's far from perfect, just like friendships are far from perfect but feeling the connection with anybody is just amazing, and at that level of intensity, it makes you feel very blessed. but that's also why you shouldn't settle for less!!! otherwise, it makes you miserable to realise that it's not as deep as you hope (just like you should get rid of the friends who hurt you!).

c4rolin, what i meant about "he wins" is just if there was an extreme circumstance, i would choose him
but we schedule all kinds of friend time, plus we spend time with each of our groups of friends with the other person...but if i was put in a position to choose, he would win - thankfully i'm not put in that position very often/ever!!
i know what you mean, and i would never want to be one of those girls...i have lots of close friends and i've maintained those friendships throughout my relationship...nothing worse than a ditcher...i've never ditched my girls for my man...i've thankfully never been put in that position by either of them

i'm one of "those girls" right now. the majority of my friends are engaged or married, and i am often left to fend for myself. case in point, i travelled back to my hometown last weekend to see my best friend who lives there. we hung out once, but as soon as her fiance WHO SHE LIVES WITH AND SEES EVERYDAY wanted to do something, i was ditched. she and i only see each other a couple times a year, so it hurt, but i expected it, since it's been happening for years. oh well. that's what i get for not settling like many of my girlfriends.
i think it's weird to have your life revolve around any one person/group of people. like c4rolin3 said, those people are to enrich your lives, not be the only thing(s) in it.

skigurl - i know where you're coming from but he shouldn't win all the time
what about 'those girls' who constantly put their friends second all the time and cancel plans etc with their friends for their man - i wouldn't stick around on the receiving end of it, just as i wouldn't constantly do that to my friends.
i know what you mean about a boyfriend having to be your number one, but i wouldn't never repeatedly cancel and 'fob off' my friends for my boyfriend time and time again - noone deserves to be treated that way and i CANNOT abide girls like that.
(i'm not saying you're like that - i'm generalising :) )
it's sad if a girl has no friends, or her life revolves around her boyfriends friends and couples - it's important for you to have a life together but it's enriched by the people around you x

I agree with the other girls...there needs to be a balance...
I balance my friends, my family, and my boyfriend...all are very important to me, but if I have to choose over friends or boyfriend, he wins...
and I win when it comes down to his friends versus me, although he does have lots of guy time
if you're going to spend your entire life with someone, they have to be number one..you have to support each other and always be there for one another, no matter what

it's definitely about getting the balance right
i'd hate to be in the situation of feeling like i had to make a decision of one over the other, but i do take the point that kate makes
you should never put someone in the position to choose between a friend or a boyfriend either- i hate friends that would do that just as i'd hate a partner for doing that. it's surprising how many people i know that that's happened to.
it's all about the balance - luckily i'm fortunate to have a great boyfriend
and an amazing group of friends, who can successfully balance time with partners, time with each other and time all together as a big group
same goes for him with his friends, he spends quality time with them, with me and with both together.
my boyfriend is absolutely my number one priority- it's just that i don't put my friends second and i wouldn't expect him to either.
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