Thursday, June 14, 2012

I can't believe my baby boy would have turned six today. I can remember the day he was born like it just happened yesterday. After a difficult pregnancy my water ruptured at twenty eight weeks and I sat in the hospital for two weeks just waiting for my tiny baby to be born. I had no idea on that day that three and a half years later we would say good bye and watch his tiny white casket be buried into the ground.

His birthday's get my mind and heart wondering -- what would he be like today? To be honest I have so much trouble just thinking of possibilities. I guess part of that is because it just hurts so bad to think what could have been. But then again -- could it really ever have been? I feel so strongly in heart and mind that Gavin's life and death was meant to be. As much as it hurts -- our little boy had an amazing mission here on Earth a mission to show the world what it means to find joy in suffering and show mankind how to really truly live life to its fullest. Just so much to ponder.

I of course would love to catch just a glimpse of my sweet boy. I have always hoped that people don't age after they die. I don't really care what correct theology is -- I have my own ideas and I'm pretty sure God thinks that's just fine. I have shared before about how Gavin was buried in a red long sleeve tee which was more than two sizes too small due to his swelling in his last days and a pair of scull and cross bone leg warmers -- that was it. No diaper, no undies -- just his cute little butt hanging out. You can read more about that by clicking here, but it gives you an idea of what I'm picturing.

I can just imagine him sitting in his wheelchair playing with his trucks and tools, maybe with his binky hanging half way out of his mouth. It's kinda funny that I still see him in his chair right? But I just have a feeling that God wouldn't want me to miss out on his first steps and just maybe the moment we meet again he will walk right to his mommie's arms. I can almost feel the warmth of his skin.

Almost.

I know he's gone. But let me tell you this. He is so very alive. I don't think I really need to explain how the legacy left in his three short years of life runs so deeply through our family. It follows us around where ever we go -- sets us apart, defines our past and has helped set the foundation for our future.

8 comments:

WOW oh wow so moving. So beautiful. Weeping at my desk this morning. I loved hearing the laughter and seeing the smiles and affection in your video. I hope I get to catch a glimpse of your reunion up there :)

Again. Blown away. I cannot watch the video again because then I will truly be a wreck here at work. However, those pictures are so vivid and perfect. Thinking of you and again remembering how crazy our journey in life is, and how God has an orchestrated plan for us we could never understand or imagine. Happy 6th Birthday Sweet Boy!!

Beatuiful..just beautiful..I watched the video before and just watched it again and cried and cried.Your strengh and faith are awesome. you photographed my grandson 2 years ago and produced amazing pictures..i followed your blog daily and if i haven't told you before i'm telling you now that you inspire me!! Sending Hugs to your beautiful family and wishing your Sweet Boy a very Happy Birthday!!!

Happy birthday Gavin!! What a beautiful boy. Your family has an amazing little angel watching over them. The video is simply beautiful...he was so loved. You and your husband are very inspiring..and great parents :)Karen from CT

I have a feeling he is not going to wait for you to walk and I think you'll be just fine with that. I picture him running to you with outstretched arms, but still the three year old little boy who you miss so much. Happy Birthday Gavin!