UPDATE Marital problems, help (super long)

I'm active on this board but for this post I created a different screen name just to keep this anonymous.

DH and I have been married 5 years and have our first baby and I stay home with her. We've had a pretty good marriage, I think, with a few issues here and there. But recently those issues have come to the surface again and I'm having a hard time dealing with them.

For starters, DH likes to be point blank honest which is good sometimes but other times he can hurt feelings. And sometimes he can be just a plain old asshole for reasons I'm still trying to figure out. Example, first year of marriage I labored for weeks over what to get him for his birthday and finally decided I'd get him tickets to a game, since he liked this sport. I even sprang for good tickets. I was so excited, and told him he could take me or a friend, whichever he wanted. He was less than pleased and ended up taking me, only to sulk the entire game, hardly saying two words to me. I buried this memory because it was so hurtful, I didn't have an answer for it, and didn't know how to talk to him about it. Just a few weeks ago this popped back into my mind, and started a snowball of feelings that lead me to where I am today.

A few months ago DH seemed moody so I asked him what was wrong, and pushed him to answer so I could help him or do something to make him feel better. He answered me with a list of things about me that he doesn't like. Anything from my sexual technique to how I am such a negative person.

The sex thing... ugh. He had mentioned to me before (a few years ago) how he hates my technique but he won't do anything to help me know what he wants, so I'm sure every time we have sex he's dissatisfied. And he's mentioned that my legs are never shaved well enough, that I breathe funny through my nose. All sorts of hurtful things, and to hear all this after we've been together for a few years, to know I've been doing it wrong all this time. It kills any self-esteem I had in that regard, and doesn't make me want to have sex at all knowing I'm so awful and he just gets impatient when I try to spice things up. So he brought this up again during our recent talk.

As for the negative thing, I'll admit I do have to work on this. While I don't agree with him that I'm a negative person, I do recognize that I let little things frustrate me more than I should, and I vocalize those frustrations more than I should. But I don't think this makes me a negative person. I find beauty in every day, I do things I enjoy, I think overall I'm happy.

The other part is that he doesn't like it when I vent my frustrations about motherhood. I'm home all day with the baby. Most days are great. But some days she won't sleep, is fussy, taxes all of my energy (after a long night of little sleep) so by the end of the day when he's done with work I'm ready for him to step in and be with the baby so I can take a break. He only gets an hour or two at night with her before it's bedtime but all summer he had the lawn mowing or the garden, or something he had to fix in the garage. I understand that he has other stuff he has to do, but it would only make me more upset when, after a long hard day with baby, he'd be out in the garage after dinner. No 'thanks for dinner, hon' or 'sorry I can't help you tonight' just plain old irritation when I say I need help. Of course this is partly my fault because by that point I'm frazzled and probably didn't ask for help in the nicest way. Because I'm frustrated. And there's the issue he has with me: expressing frustration. I told him that I can't just pretend I'm not frustrated or that I don't need a break. And if I don't communicate my need, how will he know I need help? This is something I need to work on, asking for help when I need it and keeping all negative emotions out of the request. I think hearing that stress in my voice stresses him out, which I understand.

Then there are little things that I've been noticing now in the past few weeks. He never looks at me when I talk, which can be annoying when I'm trying to tell him a story that requires hand gestures to demonstrate something. I make dinner every night and he never tells me it tastes good, he just drops comments like "kind of bland" or "does it need all these tomatoes in it?" or "hmm, not a fan of the sour cream" or whatever. This is his honesty coming through and while I can appreciate that he never gives a false compliment, I just have to wonder what it means when I don't hear any compliment or when he only mentions what he doesn't like about something.

I've been thinking about this stuff for a couple weeks now and it finally all came out this morning because I asked him if I could take some time this week to get away for an hour or so because at that moment I was feeling exhausted, I'm sick with a cold, been dealing with a sick baby, and he had stuff to do in the garage all weekend. He got upset and told me to go have my me time right that moment and he'll cancel his plans and stay with the baby. That's not what I asked him for! So finally I just said, 'I wish you spent more time with the baby, I wish I didn't have to feel guilty for asking for some me-time, I haven't been happy for the past few weeks because until then I hadn't been thinking about all these issues we have because I didn't want to . and no wonder I never want to have sex with you after all those things you've said to me. my self-esteem is gone! we need to talk to someone about our issues.' And he's been ignoring me ever since.

I know you're probably thinking our marriage is doomed. He can be loving and supportive, and he is a good dad. We have fun together and usually get along. I do love him and I want our marriage to work. I wish I could explain the better sides of him but baby needs a nap so I have to go.

Comments (23)

Can you try counseling? It looks like there are some pretty big communication issues, but nothing so big that the two of you couldn't work through it with some help. I read somewhere that for every negative thing you say about your spouse, you need to say around 7 good things for a strong marriage. His "I don't like the sour cream" is more than just honesty - everyone needs to feel loved and appreciated.

So sorry you're hurting, and I hope you're able to get to a better place soon.

Thanks for replying. I want to do counseling, even if I'm the only one who goes. I have been avoiding these issues because they make me so sad, and I knew when I brought them up that they'd make things even worse between us. I just wish I understood him better, what I could do to make him happier with me. And I wish I didn't have to feel guilty for wanting the same for myself.Ā

I think couple's counseling is a good idea given what you've said. There are definite communication issues. This brutal honesty thing w/ your husband seems incredibly hurtful and makes me wonder what his home life was while he was growing up. Maybe he is mimicking what he saw? I don't know, but the way he's "being honest" with you seems to stem more from an attempt to hurt you though maybe he just doesn't know how to communicate in another way? I do feel for you and hope he will agree to go w/ you for therapy.

Another thought I had, and not knowing how old you both are but has this transition in lifestyle been a major issue w/ him (it is a big change for everyone) but is he dealing w/ it well in your opinion? My thought was that maybe he's having a hard time adjusting and escapes to yard work or other tasks so as to not deal with? If the two of you are older was he so used to bachelorhood and then married life w/ you and this is just a big jump from that and different than he anticipated?

I think he is having problems adjusting though he may not admit that. It took a long time for him to feel comfortable staying alone with LO and he probably doesn't know what to do with her all the time he's with her. He also probably has this idea of what my day is like and doesn't think it's as hard as it is. I mean, I don't sit around and eat bon-bons all day yet I still don't have time to keep the house clean. He probably can't understand that.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish I had advice, other than counseling. If you truly want to make it work and you think he does to, try try try!! If nothing more, you know that youĀ did everything in your power to make this work. I'm sure it will. Having a baby is a lot of stress on a couple. Especially if he's used to all of your attention.

I really think having a baby really changes a marriage and puts a whole new level of stress as well as joy into it. I think it's normal to have these kind of ups and downs but I think unless both of you are commited to eachother it could get worse. And like someone else said it really sounds like a lack of communication. I really think mostĀ men feel they are theĀ providers and that even though most will not say it really feel the mom should take on more of the baby responsibilities. i know with my dh he spent most of the summer outside mowing , working in garden and lots of other projects. I had to have a talk with him and tell him I wanted us to feel more equal and that I work full time as well as take care of lo.My dh is much more helpful since I told him how i feel. I hope everything works out and just rememberĀ that having a lo will definetely change a relationship and it can take a while to settle in to your new life. Good luck to ya mama