Cheating in a Marriage: Is Monogamy Impossible?

In more news about your cheatin’ heart—or his, is more like it—moral majority and Gwyneth Paltrow announced last week in an interview that you don’t have to worry about a cheating husband because, like, everyone’s doing it. Says the Goopess:

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. If death by virus was a punishment for extra-martial affairs there would be only three dudes left in this world right now.”

There’s a big picture here on cheating that I’d like to get to, but first, let’s get to the smut. Is Gwyneth telling us that yes, her husband did indeed cheat with a lesser-than starlet a few years ago? I’m not one to judge. I don’t really care what Gwyneth Paltrow does with her husband, or what he does with other women unless I’m obsessing over her, which I normally am. (My Gwyneth obsession will be covered in another post.)

So the big picture. Gwyneth is just one more person to tell us that men cheat and that we ladies have to just uh, suck it up. The fascination about monogamy and if we’re capable as humans to maintain a marriage without cheating, isn’t a new conversation, especially when it comes to politicians, which I wrote about here. In fact, this month, David Greenberg covers “Sex and The Married Politician” for the Atlantic Monthly, explaining that it male politicians have always cheated—the media just never covered it. Kennedy being the most famous of all cheaters, until Clinton came along, natch, was a man to be respected. He wasn’t known best for his multiple affairs long after he was in the White House. As a journalism student 20 years ago, I always wondered why his affair with Marilyn wasn’t objectified in the press. Greenberg writes:

“Reporters weren’t covering up for [President] Kennedy so much as they were abiding by their era’s social and professional codes, which regarded their politician’ personal lives as privileged realms.”

These guys have always cheated—we just never spoke about it. Of course, this has changed in the past few decades, and man, we haven’t stopped chattering about it, and Twittering about it since. Weiner. Schwarzenegger. Edwards. Too many to list. Okay, so let’s say that this has always been an acceptable premise. And maybe there’s actual hard-wired body chemistry leading to our politicians cheating. A New York Times article a month ago presented the science of politicians who cheat. In “Ambition + Desire = Trouble” Stephanie Rosenbloom interviews a biological anthropologist who says:

“Most people who got as far as he’s gotten are high-testosterone people…Along with that ambition comes a high sex drive. Testosterone’s linked with both of them.”

Does this apply to rock stars too? Anyone willing to get up on stage and lead a crowd of 20,000 to their feet has to have some sort of megalomaniacal personality, right? Let’s go through the rumored list. Bruce Springsteen. Jon Bon Jovi. Of course there’s Gene Simmons. I mean, good luck Shannon Tweed. And then, circling back to the beginning of my post, there’s also Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow’s husband. Of course, there’s the polyamorous folks. Which, what the hell?

What about us regular folks? Is it possible that we’re moving into the decade of open marriages? That wives are finding it acceptable and more—they’re willing to talk about it (even if the only purpose is to save face) i.e., Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes, yes, she’s not your average person, and yes, cheating seems to be more prevalent in the entertainment industry, and yes, she’s married to a rock star, BUT a therapist friend of mine recently told me that she has two clients who are in open marriages. That’s a lot for one small practice, no? I’m asking you. And look at Tristan Taormino’s popular book on open marriages–Opening Up. 44 positive reviews!
Is this a trend?

If you define the rules and if you agree that you’re both allowed to stray as long as the sanctity of the marriage stays in tact—and by sanctity I mean love, respect, commitment to family—then can you also fuck someone else? And can you separate the two? For me—nope. But what Gwyneth is telling us, I think, is that people stray. And more, that we should expect it. Again, I should probably take this from the source. This is also coming from a woman who sends out a newsletter about buying a Stella McCartney blazer as a realistic option for your fall wardrobe.

wow. two couples in open marriages in one practice. that does sound like a lot. monogamy seems to be a lot about making a choice…my sister went to a wedding this weekend and the word faithful was used twenty times in the ceremony AND putting the other person’s needs before your own was stressed over and over. we talked about both points and well, we weren’t sure that either was entirely realistic…maybe the were good goals or hopes? (love the picture, btw)

I think women have been subjected to a version of Open Marriages for years…men got to go have sex with multiple partners and we got to keep our mouths shut. I think it pretty much worked for generations but unhappily for women while being way cool for men. It is interesting to see people embracing Open Marriages but I just don’t see it working longterm. Very few people have the strength to shoulder all those emotions and I think the people who say they can, are mostly lying to themselves. The best version of the Open Marriage is don’t ask, don’t tell if you ask me…but who is really up to that challenge??
And because I am a gossip…I can’t believe Mr. Martin stooped so low for such a loser starlet. No wonder Gwynie has been working out so hard…a much younnger version is litterally wating in the wings…very sad.

Not really sure if “respect” and “fucking someone else” can really go together! I always feel like the person who preaches monogoamy is the one who’s husband has a hundred affairs so I won’t go jinxing myself here, but hey, marriage is hard. It takes work, work that falls by the wayside of life and then you add kids into the mix and the next thing you know you can’t be bothered to shave your legs for anyone. To make monogamy work, time and attention must be paid to each other in a very conscience and purposeful way. Open marriage, well, not sure about that. Wouldn’t a marriage suffer more if the little attention you had for each other was going a little towards someone else? And while women have always been the more resilient sex, I doubt their are many men that can handle the gander having as much sex as the goose.

Though I can say that an open marriage would never, ever work for me, I could honestly say that I understand the premise of it. If you’re both interested in sleeping with other people as long as there are rules and boundaries involved, then (am I crazy??) but I can see it working as long as two people are in agreement that this is what they’re doing and that honesty is tenement. This would only work if it’s agreed upon and there’s full disclosure though. It can’t seem like cheating–it has to feel like, we’re doing this together because we both want this. Love this discussion!

Rather than explaining the phenomenon famous men cheating as part of their megalomaniacal personalities, I’ve heard it explained differently–that powerful men, ie: politicians, actors, rock stars, cheat because they are not held accountable in their daily lives. They spend days, weeks, months away from their wives, and lonely men wander, especially when enticed by groupies and interns. They are given opportunities to cheat that are extremely hard to come by for most men). If these men led traditional lives, coming home to their wives every night and attending their kids soccer practices, would they have the opportunity? I think treating Hollywood as a microcosm of American family life is wrong, in that these people aren’t representative of “us”, and the idea that the rest of us should follow their lead is frightening for this monogamist. Sure plenty of average people cheat on their spouses everyday, but is the incidence of that on the rise? Or is it just more widely discussed nowadays. I’d rather live in an age with higher divorce rates attributed to infidelity than live in the Kennedy era, where wives turned a blind eye because divorce was taboo. The question is…will true monogamy ever be the norm? Or has it ever been?

This is a good question Katrina, one I’m not sure can be answered with an absolute answer. Yet, I think your comment about celebs being so entirely different from us is right. We forget sometimes as a culture. Thinking of US Magazine “They’re Just Like Us!” is just another fantasy to get through the difficulties of life. But “Just Like Us!” doesn’t typically mean a manse in Malibu, or a string of women/men that we call on to be our lovers. We live much less boring lives – not such a bad thing.

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Hayley (@hayleykrischer) and Miri (@novogrodsky) are the Femamoms. We cover everything that has to do with the edgy mom lifestyle–political, silly, irreverent, whiny and even the most trivial. We’re also unapologetically full of conflicts. Brownies and Botox. Organic and Fruit Loops. Prudes and sluts. We heart you for joining the discussion. And though we're super friendly, we don't tolerate rudeness.