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Contents

ADMISSIONS
J.D. watches Elliot and Molly over at the desk laughing and talking.

J.D.'s Narration: Being the new doctor at a hospital can be difficult. That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.

Doctor: Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.

J.D.: Hey, Ron, the I Don't Care ward's down there.

J.D.'s Narration: Anyway, the person who reached out to Molly...was Elliot.

Elliot: Hey, do you wanna go down to Little Tokyo and do karaoke with me tonight?

Molly: Do people with trichotillomania compulsively pull their hair out?

Elliot: [pause] Do they?

Molly: Yeah!

Elliot: Cool. 'Cause inviting you to karaoke is kind of a big deal to me. I'm a little shy about my "-aoke." Heh.

Molly: I'm sure you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Elliot: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty tone-deaf. And I do these, like, kick moves that I don't think people really get. Plus I sometimes wear a cape.
Eh! It's probably all in my head.

J.D.'s Thoughts: It's not.

Dr. Cox passes.

J.D.: Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?

Dr. Cox: The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power. Absolutely loved the leg warmers!

J.D.: First of all, they were just big socks, okay? And secondly, if you need to do some laundry, here's the washboard, right?

Dr. Cox: What do you want?

J.D.: As co-chief resident, I've noticed that some of my residents are a little overwhelmed. And I-I-I think it would be nice if you gave 'em one of your patented pep-talks, you know?

Dr. Cox: I'll be more than glad to give your residents a little pep-talk.

Cut to...
I.C.U.

Dr. Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here --

Doug: "Pee-pants."

Dr. Cox: -- he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.

Doug is furiously taking notes.

J.D.: Doug!!! Stop writing and go!

Doug whimpers and runs off.

Dr. Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative.
The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family.
Great to see you kids. All the best!

J.D.'s Narration: As doctors, we always take patients' histories, even though there usually aren't a lot of surprises.

Elliot: And, Mr. Phillips, do you exercise?

Mr. Phillips: Yoga every morning.

Elliot: Ugh, I can't do yoga -- all that deep breathing. I hate breathing. [laughs] Except, you know, to live. Umm, do you drink?

Mr. Phillips: Occasional glass of wine with dinner.

Elliot: And any drug use?

Mr. Phillips: Been on and off heroin for the last eight years, but I've been clean for the last six months. See? Look, no track marks.

Kid: Way to go, daddy!

Mr. Phillips: [laughs and tousles kid's hair] 'S my biggest fan!

Elliot: Heh. Umm.... Do you smoke cigarettes?

Mr. Phillips: No way.

Elliot: Of course not. Those things'll kill ya.

INTENSIVE CARE WARD

J.D.: Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart, so I'm gonna schedule a periocardiocentesis and drain it with a needle.

Mr. Daniels: Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest?

J.D.: Not just someone -- Dr. de Man.

Mr. Daniels: Who is Dr. de Man?

J.D.: Say it...say it without the "Dr."

Mr. Daniels: Who's Mr. de Man?

J.D.: No, just say the--the last name.

Mr. Daniels: Who's de Man?

J.D.: I'm de Man!
That was awesome! That was fun doing that with you.

Mr. Daniels stares blankly.

J.D.'s Thoughts: All right, now that you've got his confidence, drive it home.

J.D.: So I'll go ahead and schedule the procedure.

Mr. Daniels: If you think it's the right thing to do.

J.D.: I do.

He walks out to the hall, catching up with Dr. Cox.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I want to thank you for that "everyone's a murderer" speech. Nice scare tactic. Unfortunately, my residents have stopped eating.

Dr. Cox: That wasn't a scare tactic, Portia! Eventually everyone commits a sin of omission or doesn't act quickly enough, and somebody kicks the bucket. It's really...it's really not a question of "if" -- it's a question of "when."

J.D.'s Thoughts: It's strange. Even though a lot of patients have died under my care, I don't think I've killed any of them....

FANTASY: DINER

J.D.: Heaven's a diner?

Mrs. Tanner: Get anything you want, dear.

J.D.: Ooh! Maybe I'll have some flapjacks!

Elaine: They don't have those.

J.D.: No flapjacks in heaven!?! Are flapjacks evil?
We--d-d-don't worry about it. Listen, dead people, do any of you feel that I may have, you know...killed you?

Mr. Bursky: No.

Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren't a great doctor.

Elaine: He was nervous.

Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird!
But no, dear. You didn't kill any of us.

Elliot: Definitely. Thirty-five, married, good job, cute little boy, great dog.... Can't remember what kind they said -- long-time recovering heroin addict -- a bulldog! That's what it was! Named Paris -- after the city, not the slutty socialite tramp.

Turk: He's a heroin addict?

Elliot: Yeah, but he is, like, super serious about his sobriety. I mean, he's been to rehab like six times.

Turk: Sounds like he needs to dial it up to super-duper serious, huh!

Elliot: [laughs] I'll tell him!

Turk: Look, Elliot, you know the chief of surgery isn't gonna accept the surgical risk of a valve replacement on someone who's just gonna destroy it with drugs.

Elliot: Anyway, because of the heroin use, surgery doesn't want to give Mr. Phillips a heart valve. So now an ethics committee is gonna decide if he gets the operation or not. And I'm freakin' out, because I've gotta go and argue his case at--

She notices the clock.

Elliot: Oh my God! Is it already two o'clock!?

Molly: Oh, relax, that's Greenland time. This way I remember to call my mom on her vacation before she goes on the boat.

Elliot: "The boat"?

Molly: Yeah, she's been sleeping with a commercial salmon fisherman.

Elliot: How fun for her!

Molly: Look, I've dealt with a lot of ethics committees, and you're gonna be great. I mean the key is just be confident.

Elliot: Well, I'm not.

Molly: I tell you what: I'll go with you for moral support. And, you know, if things get dicey 'cause it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts, then we could make out -- and they'll give you whatever you want.

Todd: What? I thought I heard something.

Elliot: Goodbye, Todd.

Todd: Back to the transplant.

Elliot: So, who's even on an ethics committee?

Molly: Well, obviously higher ups. Umm...

Transition to...
CAFETERIA

Molly: [voice over] ...the Chief of Medicine.... A sharp legal mind.... And an older doctor with a wealth of experience.

J.D.'s Narration: As I was contemplating how easy it would be to make my first fatal mistake, I had a feeling that Mr. Daniels felt good about this procedure.

Mr. Daniels: You know, I feel good about this procedure.

J.D.'s Narration: See?
Still, we all end up leaning on certain clichés when making major decisions. Like, "Don't jump off a bridge if you don't know how deep the water is."

J.D.: This procedure's too risky right now, Mr. Daniels, I think we should wait.

Meanwhile...
THE MINI
Carla drives along.

J.D.'s Narration: And, of course, the classic, "No matter how clean the janitor gets your husband's dead dog, you still need to put him in the trunk and not accidentally leave him on the roof when you drive off."

She hits a bump and Rowdy goes sailing through the air, landing in front of a child, who screams.

J.D.'s Narration: And finally, the lesser-known, "You can accomplish anything with a friend by your side."

Elliot: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.

Dr. Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think?

Ted the Lawyer: She knows my name! Whatever she wants!

Dr. Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr. Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean?

Molly: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I-I think you should ask Ted again.

Ted the Lawyer: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake?

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock. Edwards, here, is at best just a few minutes away from walking towards the light, so what's say you stop wasting our time and give me your professional opinion.

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes friends will surprise you.

Molly: Mr. Phillips' numerous relapses paint the picture of someone who has not overcome his addictions, sooo, no, I don't think he will.

J.D.: Since 1:42 yesterday afternoon. His wife did not want him to do it. She's beautiful, by the way -- one green eye, one blue. She's from Luxembourg. They're both from Luxembourg. I believe they're, uh, Luxem...bourgian.

Dr. Cox: Where in Luxembourg? I-I spent two weeks there.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What are the odds? Just stay vague.

J.D.: Uh, outside Mertert, near the German border.

Dr. Cox: Ah.

J.D.: They say what they miss most are those lazy summer afternoons on the Moselle River.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Daniels. We have rethought things and decided that you should have that procedure.

Mr. Daniels: Okay.

Dr. Cox: I know that took quite a bit of cajoling, but I think I was able to convince him.

J.D.'s Narration: That's okay. 'Cause I wasn't the only one lying around here.

ADMISSIONS(?)

Turk: Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.

Carla: Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home.

Turk: Why?

Carla: I need you to go somewhere for me.
I want you to go to a...strip club!

Turk: Okay.

J.D.: Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?

Turk: Can't talk now, good stuff's happenin'!

J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second?

Guy: Don't care!

Carla: Where, where am I gonna find a dead stuffed yellow lab?

Janitor: I can help.

Carla: No, you have work to do.

They laugh together at the absurdity.

Janitor: Let's go.

Flash to...
YARD

Carla: NO!!!

Janitor: Okay. I just needed to know where the line was.

Janitor: Helloo. Wrong place, wrong time, little buddy.

Flash to...
JANITOR'S GARAGE

Janitor: Fellas, I'd like you all to meet...Kyle. Welcome him, treat him as a brother. You'll enjoy it here. Any complaints, go to Duane. Umm, what've we got on the table. Greg, may I run the meeting? Is that cool? Okay.

Cut to...
INTENSIVE CARE WARD
J.D. has a large red turtleneck on under his scrubs.

J.D.'s Narration: Besides, I had bigger problems. I had to do Mr. Daniels' procedure. Luckily I'm a professional, and professionals finish the job.

J.D.: This needle is too sticky! I'm out! Get it together, Laverne!

Dr. Cox: Hey, Peggy? Yes, I noticed the turtleneck choice in August, and can only assume it's got something to do with that grapefruit you store in your trachea. Let me put your mind at ease: You've killed before.

J.D.: Who?

Dr. Cox: Do you remember Mrs. Carter?

FLASHBACK: PARKING LOT

J.D.: Whoa. Bye-bye.

Mrs. Carter: Wahoooo!

BACK TO PRESENT***

J.D.: She died?

Dr. Cox: Three days ago of endocarditis. You didn't get blood cultures and you missed it. You happy?

J.D.'s Narration: The weird thing was that I was a little happy.

J.D.: Sticky needle please!

Nurse Roberts: Here you go, Doctor.
Oh, by the way, when this is over [sotto] I'm kicking your ass!

DOCTORS' LOUNGE

Janitor: Psst! Where's your husband?

Flash to...
STRIP CLUB
Turk is happily following Carla's request.

Flash back to...
DOCTORS' LOUNGE

Carla: He isn't here.

Janitor: Ruff, ruff.

Carla: [gasps in delight] You found Rowdy!?!

Janitor: Nope. Not Rowdy. This is Steven. You know, Rowdy was 48 inches from snout to tail, Steven's only 46...on a good day.

Carla: I think we're okay! [laughs]

Janitor: I got him off another taxidermy guy on the internet. Had to trade him my, uh, squirrel army.

Carla: Oh, I'm sorry you had to do that; but thank you!

Janitor: Nah. Everyone thinks squirrel armies are so great...I'm not sure it's the healthiest habit in the world.

J.D.'s Narration: Killing Mrs. Carter, though admittedly bad for her, was just the pick-me-up I needed.

Mrs. Carter: I don't know how my car ended up in the community pool.

Nurse Roberts: You musta lost control after you went through the snack bar.

Mrs. Carter: [shrugging] Mmm.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Mrs. Carter?

Dr. Cox: Ooh, did I trick Newbie? [laughing] I did, didn't I!
And now of course he has to live in fear of when he will kill. When, when, when when when when when when when when?

J.D.: You know what, I don't appreciate lying.

Dr. Cox: Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now!

Cary Brothers' "Blue Eyes" comes up.

J.D.'s Narration: One of the hardest things around here is that sometimes you don't get to know how things end.

FRONT DESK(?)

Molly: What are you doing?

Elliot: Oh, just waiting for Mr. Phillips. He, uh, showed up the first couple of days, but he's missed his last three rehab appointments.

Molly: I'll wait with you.

Elliot: Thanks.
I got my eyebrows waxed.

Molly: They look really good.

TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT

J.D.'s Narration: ...Whether it's wondering if your husband will realize you replaced his dead dog with a shorter replica...

INTENSIVE CARE WARD

J.D.'s Narration: ...Or wondering when and if you're gonna kill that first person.

J.D.: Okay, everybody, watch closely, because if you're not careful, you can cause a pneumothorax.

KARAOKE BAR

J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately it'll drive you crazy if you don't have a friend to help you through it.

Molly: You know, he might have gone to Florida early. Maybe he's going to a hospital down there.

Elliot: You think?

Molly: I don't know. Maybe.

They watch the karaoke singer finish "Blue Eyes."
The girls cheer.

Elliot: Okay, there is no way I'm following that guy. I don't even have my cape.