Weird Astronaut Antics, A Fast-forward Campaign Season And A Footloose Larry Craig Help Send Sanity Into Default

IT WAS A YEAR THAT STRODE BOLDLY into the stall of human events and took a wide stance astride the porcelain bowl of history.

It was a year in which roughly 17,000 leading presidential contenders, plus, of course, Dennis Kucinich, held roughly 63,000 debates, during which they spewed out roughly 153 trillion words; and yet the only truly memorable phrase emitted in any political context was "Don't tase me, bro!"

It was a year filled with bizarre, insane, destructive behavior, an alarming amount of which involved astronauts.

In short, 2007 was a year of deep gloom, pierced occasionally by rays of even deeper gloom. Oh, sure, there were a few bright spots:

Several courageous members of the U.S. Congress--it could be as many as a dozen--decided, incredibly, not to run for president.

O.J. Simpson discovered that, although you might be able to avoid jail time for committing a double homicide, the justice system draws the line at attempted theft of sports memorabilia.

Toward the end of the year, entire days went by when it was possible to not think about Paris Hilton.

Apple released the iPhone, which, as we understand it, enables users to fly, cure cancer, read minds and travel through time.

The plucky, lovable New York Yankees once again found a way, against all odds, to bring joy to the literally billions of people who do not root for them.

Dick Cheney did not shoot anybody, as far as we know.

BUT OTHER THAN that, 2007 was a disaster. American consumers came to fear products manufactured in China, which covers pretty much everything in the typical American home except the dirt. Global warming continued to worsen, despite the efforts of leading climate experts such as Madonna and Leonardo DiCaprio, who emerged briefly from their private jets to give the rest of us helpful tips on reducing our carbon footprints.

On the economic front, the dollar continued to lose value against all major foreign currencies and most brands of bathroom tissue.

There was a major collapse in the credit market, caused by the fact that for most of this decade, every other radio commercial has been some guy selling mortgages to people who clearly should not have mortgages. ("No credit? No job? On Death Row? No problem!") The subprime-mortgage fiasco resulted in huge stock-market losses, and the executives responsible, under the harsh rules of Wall Street justice, were forced to accept lucrative retirement packages.

So they did OK. But for the rest of us, it was another bad year. And as is so often true of bad years, it began with . . .

JANUARY

DEMOCRATS, HAVING WON the November election, take control of both houses of Congress with surprisingly little loss of life. In the House of Representatives, incoming speaker Nancy Pelosi pledges "a new era of bipartisan cooperation," then brings the gavel down on the head of outgoing speaker Dennis Hastert.

Upon taking power, the Democrats, who campaigned vigorously against the war in Iraq and who hailed their victory as a clear voter mandate to get the troops out of Iraq, immediately get down to the business of being careful to not do anything that might actually result in the removal of troops from Iraq, in case that might turn out to be a bad idea. This is fine with President Bush, who calls for a "troop surge" based on his understanding of the comprehensive Iraq Study Group Report, as interpreted for him by aides equipped with 20,000 GI Joe action figures.

FEBRUARY

SOUTH FLORIDA HOSTS Super Bowl Roman Numeral. After what feels like three months of pregame festivities, an actual game is played, pitting the Chicago Bears against the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings. What begins as a close contest is broken wide open in the third quarter when the Bears defense is unable to stop a 1993 Buick LeSabre driven by 87-year-old North Miami Beach resident Winifred Bingleman, who took a wrong turn on her way to mah-jongg.

In other February action, Democrats in the House of Representatives, after a large amount of talking, pass a non-binding resolution sternly ordering President Bush to get out of Iraq, unless he chooses not to. Over in the Senate, Democrats try to pass a non-binding resolution that would have not bound the president to the same course of action that the House resolution did not bind him to. But that one fails, leaving the president, according to political observers, somewhat less non-bound than he might otherwise have been. Everyone agrees it has been a busy, busy time in Washington.

But the big news in February is the death and subsequent wacky adventures of Anna Nicole Smith, whose body remains in a refrigerator in the medical examiner's office while her infant child is embroiled in a paternity dispute that eventually comes to involve pretty much every adult male resident of the United States except Richard Simmons. The dramatic finale takes place in a Florida courtroom presided over by Judge Weeping Twit, who, in a display of Solomonic wisdom, rules that everyone involved will get a TV show.