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} If I may answer your last question first, chronological indifference is} a widely argued topic that scholars across many different fields of} discipline still to this day struggle to address. Ever since the} domestic post-war period of peace leading in to the uneasy cold-war} paranoia, there emerged and flourished a staunch contingent of people,} mostly children of surviving World-War libertines, whose psychological} makeup simply did not meet with the mold of what was considered the} "norm" at that time. Whether this was a result of the sheltered} innocence of their upbringing (as compared to the prevailing} shell-shocked post-war consciousness and the subsequent inequivalency} of interpersonal communication therewith) or simply a natural tendency} to shirk the mantle of middle-class complacency indirectly forced upon} them by their parents, guardians, and figures of authority, is a} question for psychologists. The undeniable result, however, was a} sub-culture of people prone to socially dehabilitating, long-lasting} periods of depression, often accompanied by lachrymation and fits of} mild hysteria. It became evident to these people during their dolor} that the subdividing of their periods of lachrymose into measurable} chronological units was folly (perhaps because in their state of} dementia such quantifications proved too difficult). Nevertheless,} these people were in a state of chronological indifference, satisfied} with the notion "We've got time enough to cry."}} By the time the Soviets began to realize their place as a Eurasian} superpower and to dig their political tendrils into Western} governments, a larger and more vocal subset of the American culture} directed their social uneasiness to an entirely different emotional} extreme: paranoia. Unlike the aforementioned "sad" group, these people} were typically made up of the American bourgeois and were mostly} positive, outgoing, and contributing members of society. In fact, one} might say this crowd exhibited an unhealthy attraction to the "American} way of life," as it existed in their own family units and as it was} portrayed on the radio and TV. As Communism reared its head, many of} this crowd buckled under the pressure of what surely after the Cuban} Missile Crisis seemed like an inevitable rise to power of World} Communism, and as a result, an intense fear of the USSR (and especially} nuclear destruction) set in. This fear and paranoia was every bit as} socially dehabilitating as the post-war ennui exhibited by the "sad"} group, and had the curious effect of making its victims chronologically} indifferent, although this quality often manifested itself in a more} brusque fashion. A famous example of this was the often-told story of a} woman who told a stranger "My diamond watch has stopped cold dead!" to} which the angst-ridden stranger replied "Who cares? We've all got time} enough to die!"}} As the millenium comes to a close, the Western world is now comprised} of the children and grandchildren of the postwar era. Planes, trains,} and other scheduled forms of transport are exhibiting exponentially} increased amounts of chronological imbalance, while we as individuals} are continuing to make excuses for being late to work, late for dinner,} late to Johnny's ball practice, etc. at a rate far surpassing the} development of devices such as cellular phones and microwaves that are} supposed to act as "time-savers." Truly, the concept of "What time is} it?" has never been in greater peril than in these modern times.} Whether this is because of the society-altering sociopsychological} developments of our predecessors or because of newer, more distracting} bugaboos such as Travelgate or El Nino, it cannot be denied that the} footprint of chronological indifference cast by our fathers in the wet} concrete of the Third World still matches the outline of the feet of} all of us today.}} If I may answer your first question last, it's 3:22 p.m. CST.}} You owe the Oracle some blood, sweat, and/or tears.

} Dear supplicant,} There are no perfect humans on earth (although some incarnations get} pretty close.) I would suggest that you model your life after a} combination of these famous people, remembering to only take the best} characteristics:}} The humor of Bill Cosby} The athleticism of Dennis Rodman} The sex appeal of Fabio} The intelligence of Albert Einstein} The business sense of Bill Gates} The body of Arnold Schwarzenegger} The voice of Billy Joel}} Beware, my humble friend, knowing that this is an imperfect world, you} may end up as following:}} The humor of Dennis Rodman} The athleticism of Bill Cosby} The sex appeal of Bill Gates} The intelligence of Fabio} The business sense of Billy Joel} The body of Albert Einstein} The voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger}} You owe the Oracle a DNA-liquidizer.

> Hmmm...>> I see what's happened, supplicant. That time machine you're working> on in your spare time has malfunctioned, causing us to swap our> positions in space and time.> There's nothing we can do about it, I'm afraid, except wait for the> effect to undo itself. Don't touch anything while you're waiting.>> You owe the Oracle a better grovel.

} Dear Oracle,}} I think you are pretty keen.}} Could you please help me out? I have been working on this time machine} and last night I switched the flux capicitor and the flange and then} tried to turn it on. I thought at first that nothing had happened, but} when I woke up this morning there was a really cute girl in bed with} me. She had a tattoo that said "Lisa & Orrie" in a heart and seemed to} be expecting someone else to besides me. I am now hiding in the} bathroom.}} What can I do?

> And on the `net users come and go> and talk of viruses, like Michelangelo.>> LET us go then, you and I,> When the Web is slowed out due to the cry> Like a drunk passed out upon a table;> Let us go, to certain half-deserted URLs,> The muttering retreats> Of restless nights, password only adult hells> And bad-designed pages that do everything but smell> Screens that follow like a tedious argument> Of insidious intent> To lead you to an overwhelming question...> Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"> Let us go and make our visit.>> And on the `net users come and go> and talk of viruses, like Michelangelo.>> The info-overload fog that rubs its back upon the Windows' bane,> The AK-47s' smoke that robs, its muzzle on the Windows' bane> Clicked its mouse into the corners of the icon,> Lingered upon the spools that strain in pain,> Let's fall upon it and hack! The stuff fouls the `web up, by jimmeny!> SLIP by the firewall, made a sudden leap,> But seeing that it was yet but another endless Sept. night,> Curled once about the mouse, and fell deep> into despair.>> And on the `net users come and go> and talk of viruses, like Michelangelo.

} We are the hollow answers} We are the stuffy men} Learning together} Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!} Our dry humour, when} We ZOT together} Are quiet and meaningless} As supplicants in chucked wood} In our drained queues}} You owe the Oarcle a penny for the Old Guy

> oh wise and wonderful oracle, who's dog i am unworthy to wash, but> will do so anyway just so you don't have to get yer hands dirty...>> is it just me, or does it seem like my dog is more in charge of this> situation than I am?

} Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you, but in order to properly} answer your letter, the Oracle had his minions follow you around for} a few days, taking notes. Herewith, highlights from their report:}} DAY 1:}} 5:34 a.m. Subject emerges from home with canine companion, `Sadie,'} a large tan-and-black German shepherd. Subject is heard to use the} dog's name interchangably with terms of endearment such as `pookums.'} Sadie digs in her paws when subject attempts to bring her back into} the house. Subject and dog walk around the block three more times.}} 7:02 a.m. Subject emerges from home alone. Dog looks out window,} whimpers. Subject stops. Dog cries louder. Subject enters home.}} 7:10 a.m. Phone-tap records show subject calling in sick to work.}} 7:15 a.m. Subject and dog emerge from home, head for park.}} 4:30 p.m. Subject and dog return home.}} DAY 2:}} 7:06 a.m. Subject emerges from home. Dog looks out window, whimpers.} Subject walks to train station.}} 7:30 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. Intermittent sounds of destruction from inside} home.}} 6:00 p.m. Subject returns home.}} 6:02 p.m. Distinct "Oh no!" heard from within home. Also, "What have} you done!" Also, "Bad girl!"}} 6:03 p.m. Much barking and growling heard from within home.}} 6:30 p.m. Subject and dog emerge from home. Sadie digs in her paws} when subject attempts to bring her back into the house. Subject and} dog walk around the block twice more. Subject is heard to call dog} "little snuggler." Subject gives dog a cookie.}} DAY 3:}} 7:18 a.m. Subject calls in sick to work.}} 8:45 a.m. To operative's surprise, subject emerges alone from home,} gets in car, drives away.}} 9:47 a.m. Subject returns home, emerges from car holding a large bone} wrapped in a pink ribbon. Subject enters home.}} DAY 4:}} 7:03 a.m. Subject and dog emerge from home, walk to train station.}} 7:15 a.m. Subject attempts to take dog onto train, is stopped by} conductor.}} 7:16 a.m. Much arguing between subject and conductor.}} 7:17 a.m. Dog bites conductor on leg.}} 7:18 a.m. Subject and dog run home.}} 7:35 a.m. Subject calls in sick to work.}} 9:30 a.m. Subject emerges from home, gets in car, drives away.}} 11:13 a.m. - 2:15 p.m. Sounds of destruction from within home}} 2:20 p.m. Subject returns bearing several packages.}} 2:22 p.m. "Oh no!" heard from within home. Also, "Bad girl!" Also,} "Bad, bad girl!" Also, "Would snoogums like a cookie?"}} DAY 5:}} 7:03 a.m. Subject emerges from home with dog in a new, strange} harness. Subject is wearing dark sunglasses and is swinging a long,} red-tipped stick. Subject and dog walk, with some difficulty, towards} train station.}} 7:16 a.m. Subject takes dog on train, meets no resistance from} conductors.}} I can continue, I suppose, but what would be the point? I'm looking} over the various notes on your misadventures as a fake blind man with} a willful non-seeing-eye dog, and I can't quite decide whether to} laugh myself sick or simply slit my immortal wrists out of empathetic} embarrassment. (Here's a tip: Blind people rarely let go of their} seeing-eye dog to buy a hot dog from a sidewalk vendor. And I have} *never* heard of a seeing-eye dog forgoing her duties in order to} engage in sexual congress.)}} I think it is safe to say, at this point, that YOUR DOG IS IN CONTROL} OF THE SITUATION.}} You the Oracle a cookie.

> Oracle most wise, who knows all illnesses ever seen or not seen in> humans or otherwise, please answer my question.>> Let's see, I'm tired, headachy, bloodshot eyes, and I can't concentrate> on my work. Do you know what is wrong?

} Ebola.}} Soon you'll start gushing blood from every pore as your inside shred} and. . . just kidding! Calm down. You're just worrying too much.}} I just wanted you see things could be worse. Hey, what do you care if} you go down in History as the most lecherous and coke-addled President,} dwell on all the good times you've had. It's been a long strange trip} from the casinos of Hot Springs to the pantries of The White House. I} for one will think of you every time I turn to a new month on my "Girls} of Low-Self Esteem" Calendar.}} Besides, you're going to have a grand old time in Pacific Palisades,} just up the road from Nixon's old home... how ironic! Just funnin' ya.} Sheesh, you are touchy. Go find an intern an unwind will ya.}} You owe the Oracle an F-14.

} Dear Supplicant,} Rather than view summer school as "icky," why not consider it as} opportunity for amusement? You could always try one of the following:}} Sneak into the classroom early and turn off the air conditioner. Then} write on the board, "Due to school board restrictions on power use, a/c} will not be available today. Students and teachers are requested to} remove everything except underwear to guard against heatstroke. The} Principal." Then show back up right before class starts to see how many} people believed it.}} Walk backwards everywhere you go one day. If anyone asks, tell them} you're observing a special holiday of your religion.}} To any test questions you don't know the answer to, write, "On the} advice of attorney I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might} incriminate me."}} Dummy up a photo of one of your teachers in computer class to make it} look like a mug shot, then print twenty copies and post them in} strategic spots around the school.}} Affix caps (of the capgun type) to the letters on the typewriters in} the typing classes as a special observance of Independence Day, if} you're in the US.}} Be sickeningly sweet to your least favorite teacher one day (candy,} flowers, everything). See how paranoid they get trying to figure out} what you're really up to.}} After you take the first bite of "food" in the cafeteria, clutch your} stomach and double over moaning in pain. Hold your throat in one hand,} and make weak pointing motions at your tray with the other.}} With any of the above, if you get caught just hold up your stick of} Mentos and everyone will smile and understand, while the Mentos theme} song starts playing in the background.}} Just follow any of these simple suggestions, and you will be well on} your way to having much more fun of this type next summer. You owe the} Oracle your principal's toupee and a copy of the answers to next week's} English quiz.}} fidelis ero... fortasse in hac ultime inveniem fas

} No you idiot, it's not James Cameron who is writing the triology, it's} James *Clavell*.}} The plot goes basically like this:}} Zadoc disembarks from a boat in a foreign port. Very foreign. Read the} newspapers and find the current troublespot, and that's it.}} Within five minutes he has a greater understanding of the local culture} and a greater rapport with the locals than embassy staff who have lived} there for twenty years.}} Within ten minutes he can pass as one of the natives undetected.}} Within fifteen minutes, a ravishing local girl with an unpronouncable} name has fallen deeply in love with him, even though to do so risks} death.}} Within sixteen minutes he has had sex with her.}} Within seventeen minutes, she is dead.}} Within nineteen minutes he has had sex with her again.}} Within twenty-one minutes he has realised that she is dead.}} Within twenty-three minutes he has formed a firm friendship with} another foreigner from some perfectly normal other country (say,} Switzerland) who displays all sorts of cultural quirks, traditions and} hidden weapons that no-one from that country has ever heard of.}} Within twenty-five minutes, his friend is dead.}} Within twenty-eight minutes, there has been a revolution, and he is now} the only foreigner in the land.}} Within thirty-one minutes, the new government asks him for extensive} help in running everything from the justice system to the sewage works,} even though their xenophobia means that they have thrown every other} foreigner out of the country.}} Within thirty-five minutes, the country is a first-world country.}} Within thirty-eight minutes, another ravishing young girl with an even} more unpronouncable name has fallen deeply in love with him even though} (yadda yadda) to do so means that she risks death.}} Within thirty-nine minutes she is dead.}} Within forty-one minutes he has realised that if things are going to} happen like this, he'd better make his moves faster in future.}} Within forty-five minutes a religious official has taken a liking to} him and breaks him out of prison, even though he is in there for} swearing to kill the country's religious leader.}} Within forty-eight minutes, he has stolen a tank and run it over the} tent where the religious leader is resting.}} Within fifty-one minutes, the entire population of the country is} en mass attacking his tank which is in the main square of the capital} city.}} Within fifty-three minutes he has shaken off his attackers and} is making for the border.}} Within fifty-five minutes he has reached the border.}} Within fifty-six minutes he is having tea with the border guard and} discussing philosophy and art, even though the entire population of the} previous country is about three yards behind him.}} Exactly fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine point nine nine seconds after} arriving in the country, he passes across the border an into safety.}} Within sixty-five minutes he has a greater cultural understanding of} the new country's culture and a greater rapport with the locals than} embassy staff who have lived there for twenty years, and book II} begins.}} You owe The Oracle a Linguaphone 'Learning the Pronounciation of} Ravishing Foreign Women's Names Before They Die' cassette tape and} computer software kit.

} I sucked in the last drag of my cheap cigarette and tried to focus my} bloodshot eyes on the message that crawled up my screen like a hungry} cockroach.}} "Damn, it's happened again," I said to no one. The sig was as familiar} as the trigger of my trusty Smith & Wesson:}} > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com}} I glanced wearily at the slogan on my own faded business card:}} > Get Your Free Private Eye Mail at http://www.zotmail.com}} Another day in the city, another Hotmail slacker. My revenues from my} own Internet service were down, way down, like a lump of scum down a} sewer. And yet these chumps kept managing to send stuff to me.}} I was about to flick the message away like an ugly puppy, when I saw} the rest of it. It stopped me as cold as a metermaid's shoulder.}} > what is the posibility of me tracking, locating and} > killing Harlan Limajliew?}} I stared at the words for a long time. And then I realized this could} be it. I realized that this could finally be the case I had been} waiting for. I realized that it had all the elements: A search. A} pursuit. A violent death. And a mysterious stranger. I realized that} I was interested.}} And then Lisa walked up behind me, her heels clicking like the} insistent staccato of some ancient rhythm, and she began idly massaging} my back. "Another loser without a grovel, Orrie?" she said.}} And then I realized I had better things to do.}} ****** !!! ZZZZZZOT !!! ******}} Sorry, kid, that's why I call it Zotmail.}} You owe the Oracle a search, a pursuit, and a mysterious stranger.