Now and again, it is necessary to seclude yourself among deep mountains and hidden valleys to restore your link to the source of life. Breathe in and let yourself soar to the ends of the universe; breathe out and bring the cosmos back inside. Next, breathe up all fecundity and vibrancy of the earth. Finally, blend the breath of heaven and the breath of earth with your own, becoming the Breath of Life itself. ~ Morihei Ueshiba.

As I dip inward to find answers, I navigate the center of a large ocean of feelings.

I can easily become exhausted around the banter of noisy egos. I don’t enjoy superficial but flourish in meaningful. I’d rather have silence, a good book and some dark chocolate than attend a party.

I’m not “cool” or “hip.” I don’t dress flashy or in-style.

Fitting in, is difficult. I sort of blend but I don’t mix well. I can play the extrovert but prefer my introverted heart. The former leaves me exhausted.

I’m also extremely sensitive. I could hear a mouse fart in the next room. When hurt, my heart bleeds black and blue and I can feel your bruises too. I can hear emotions hiding in the shadow of false bravado. I can see when eyes truly twinkle or blink back a tear.

It’s exhausting to feel all of the time, so I am hanging out in low gear. It is a space above an imaginary watermark. It’s not an easy place to be. I tread the water in my soul. I hide under a lily pad, peeking out occasionally but mostly staying tucked in. The water is tepid and the weight of the lily pad is comforting.

It’s okay to rest. I need to rest in this quietness and give myself permission to recalibrate my heart of emotions. It’s a sandstorm of chipping away debris and filling it with love. My inner camera lens seeks truth as I burn through my karma.

My overly sensitive radar leads to miscommunication. It happens. Words are spoken and I misinterpret it as harsher than it might be. Perhaps it was harsh but then I take it a step further, jump off a cliff and ruminate the meaning into an introspective hell.

He, she, it blamed me for, said to me, [Fill in the blank].

It doesn’t matter. Sometimes when this happens it’s not my stuff, it’s theirs. Accepting responsibility for my actions is enough to sort through.

Let it go and let it be. Let the muddy colors change to persimmon. Let the breeze caress the harsh words. Let the birds channel serotonin to my tired synapsis.

I need to let myself know, I have the power to stop the thought process as well as the ability to fuel the pain.

I will listen to the wind. Write. Sit in a sunspot even on a cloudy day and recharge my heart.

“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.” ~ Susan Cain

I either fully trust or tiptoe along the edges and fear trust. I send and receive mixed messages especially to those who have the same issues. It’s not a coincidence we are given the same lesson. Instead, it is a wake-up call to step back and sit with the mixed feelings and learn.

I’m giving myself a chance to tap into where do I begin and end? I learn more each time and let go of those thorn-like expectations of how it should be. I reflect and see. Give and take what is needed.

It’s an infinite recycling of refinement.

I love to give and I cherish my friends. I’m protective and will defend like a lioness would her cubs. I need to do the same for myself and protect my tenderness; Step aside from the mainstream flow and trust my genuine self.

I can’t actually climb to a cave, meditate and eat berries. Instead I have to go through each day doing the norm. This is where I find who and what the real pillars are versus the illusions.

Actually it’s all an illusion, but I live in this world, therefore I must occasionally carve a small imaginary cave and retreat. It’s not a negative thing. It’s proactive and protective like letting a nasty gash heal, however slowly, it teaches me patience.

I’m in a sacred moment with my thoughts and it brings a smile of inner compassion. The frankincense burns and protects the space. Earlier a goldfinch peered into the window. He seemed to be checking on me. Thunder rumbled in the distance: nature’s drums. The universe is watching and I’m not alone.

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About
Carolyn Riker

Carolyn is an educator, counselor, writer and a poet who finds comfort and balance in nature and music. Introspective, forthright, kind and compassionate, she intertwines life with being real. She also writes for Journey of the Heart and Rebelle Society. Carolyn can be reached at Facebook.

lovely piece of writing, don't know how i stumbled across this but i did and think i was meant to read it, sounds like exactly what's in my head but i couldn't articulate it like you have, thanking for finding the words for me and reassuring that i'm not the only one who thinks am going crazy with it all sometimes, gratitude gratitude xxx

Really beautiful! I had no idea there were so many of us introverted yoginis. I too tend to bruise easily with other people, but have recently been finding it feels good to be courageous and risk exposing myself to others.

Thank you for writing this. I loved this line especially, "When hurt, my heart bleeds black and blue and I can feel your bruises too. I can hear emotions hiding in the shadow of false bravado. I can see when eyes truly twinkle or blink back a tear."

I find little comments by men..If any.I have always had a sensitve heart and was taught to be brave and tough.It's so hard for anyone to live true to themselves.I'm trying now but hover between an existence of solitude and loneliness..hoping for some relief.Thanks Carolyn.I too, am looking and hearing goldfinches out my window:)

SO beautiful. Resonated to my core. I have quite a sensitive heart, but have spent years building a wall and refusing to sit with my openness, allow, savor, and nurture it. I instead spend time distracting my mind, not giving any chance for my wall to disintegrate. This piece was a calling to me. Thank you!

Thank you so much for this. I'm in media in Colorado Springs, and this past week and a half has been overwhelming and heart-bruising with the Black Forest Fire. I shall be blanket-cave-making this weekend.

Your words live in my heart. The flows, waves and rhythms that you so beautifully describe, are known to me. It's like walking in the woods and hearing someone sing a song I myself composed and haven't sung to anyone. So timely for me, I am just now learning to live whole, not censoring myself and living in only accepted fragments any more. It is so exhausting, to feel everything, all of it, in the wide spectra of human emotions. But I'm learning to let it flow through me, instead of going with it. Of all the blogs I've read this week, this one stays like the experience of a sunset in orange and purple. Thank you.

Thanks for beautifully putting into words what I feel everyday. I too am an HSP. I feel everything so intensely that it is overwhelming. The bad is almost impossible to bear but the good is mind-blowingly awesome. I often need time to recover.

I didn’t know anyone else felt the same way. I always say that I am an introvert trying to live in a world full of extroverts. I live there when I have to, but I can breathe in my introvert world. Thank you so much for sharing this.

It’s always so refreshing to my heart, my mind and soul to hear stories pertaining to other people’s lives that are just like me. Growing up I always knew I was different. And I never understood why and I grew up hating how sensitive I was, even into adulthood. I thought to be so sensitive and emotional was a character flaw and everyone would always tell me “you’re too sensitive” or “you need to toughen up”. Anytime “it” was referred to it was always negative. It hasn’t been until probably just the last 5 years or so that I began finding articles on being an empath, that I finally understood myself and that what I am could actually be seen as a gift. Yes, there are often times where it still feels like a curse, but at least now I know I’m not alone, there’s nothing wrong with me and that there are things I can do to protect my sensitivity. Now I know when I’m overwhelmed, or can’t handle people, when I need to be alone, that it’s part of who I am. It’s always so refreshing to read articles and see part of myself in them and say “hey, that’s me!” Or “me too!” When you grow up feeling different and your gift is made to feel like you’re broken, to find out you’re really not, it’s a wonderful and freeing feeling.

I too feel the same way. I have also learnt that if you try to let go of the ego, the sensitivity will still be there but not as heightened. We have to learn to let go of the desires that affect the ego. I always knew there were there's like me, but always seemed alone on my path fighting an unseen battle on my own. My own family can't e en relate to me when I try to articulate how I am feeling. I almost feel like I'm in a constant state of depression and my anxiety goes through the roof cuz I feel like no one understands the bigger picture. I yearn to be around like minded people but seems to be a detriment docent there isn't too many of us that over sense. My intuition is growing stronger as is my reading of other peoples energy. I feel as if we are like this for a reason and must come together somehow to help wake everyone else up. I've been awake for a while now but have little resources other than this gift.