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One of the realities of message boards is that people make assumptions about who we are and what we’re doing based on our posts, their observations of other posters’ behaviors, and their own life experiences. This is totally reasonable: we all have to use the resources available to us to understand the people we communicate with. A problem occurs, though, when a poster is regularly discussed. While no one here agrees on everything, a sort of fluid group consensus about a person’s character and motives develops. The discussed poster is forced to deal with misunderstandings caused by the discrepancy between the semi-consensus and who s/he really is.

I’ve spent about two weeks thinking about what I want to do in regards to CUF. I’ve decided that this isn’t the place for me to post and that it would be better for me to spend the time I once spent here working on other projects. I’ll definitely miss the friends I’ve made and community I’ve felt here, though. I haven’t really read any threads in the last little while, but I find myself clicking over just to see who’s online. It’s a silly, nostalgic thing to do. I spent a great year here and I got to know myself a lot better. Thanks to all of you for that. Your friendships have been really beneficial to me. I’ll miss you.

At times there seems to be a group consensus about who I am and why I do what I do, and it was one of those times that led me to this decision. I figured, then, that I’d post this both as a goodbye and as an attempt to explain the reasoning behind my decision to go. My hope is that some of you will believe what I write here over the group thoughts and your own experiences with people who may not really be all that much like me. I also hope that you will realize that while my feelings were of course hurt, hurt feelings were not the motivating factor in my decision to exit. Please accept the below as my real reasoning. Sorry this got so long.

1) I made my own mistaken assumption about one of the prominent posters here and trusted him with personal information he intimated he would not share. He had thought the motivation for my thread was hurt feelings and was probably pretty surprised by the information I gave him. The progression of the thread demonstrated to me that he evidently felt justified in sharing my personal information and in using it to further what I am now assuming was his own desire to strengthen the SE and to blame the wreckage of any reform possibilities on me. My thread made it evident to me that this individual wields a lot of personal power on the board (he is not an admin). I am bothered by the actions of this person both in regards to me and in his protection of a hurtful system. One person’s behaviors really shouldn’t mean that much to me. I’m guessing I’d feel differently, though, if this board were a bit more democratic and if power were distributed more evenly.

2) I was bothered when some people told me that they tried to get Robin into the SE for me and that my thread ruined any progress they had made. I never thought that getting Robin into the SE was the way to solve your problems. That puts all of the focus on him. It really bugs me that he finds himself needing to explain and apologize time and time again. This SE problem ultimately has nothing to do with him. You’ve roped yourselves into a system and put the conflict with Robin at the center of it. Likewise, I am not now nor never have been the one impeding SE reform. The people impeding reform are the people who are invested in the status quo. They hide behind the Robin and Rosebud conflicts because it distracts attention away from them.

3) I was repetitively told during my thread to be quiet and stay in my place. Nobody used those words or said it to be hurtful, but it’s kind of one of those familiar things a person like me hears all the time. I don’t think it should be any surprise that I didn’t listen, especially considering that this is just a freaking message board. Please keep in mind that being well behaved isn’t exactly one of my goals. The way I see it is that "well-behaved women seldom make history." (This phrase was coined by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, a Mormon feminist.)

4) I was told that my effort at SE reform was weak and doomed to fail from the beginning. I didn’t really expect it to succeed, but I wanted to try for my own reasons. I received compassion when I was viewed as weak, but when I shared stronger motivations for my thread, compassion turned to anger. I received threats and was told that no one likes to be used. My problem with taking such behaviors quietly is that the SE nomination and election process left me feeling used. It pissed me off. My thought is that those who can’t take it ought to quit dishing it out. FWIW, I haven’t been angry for a long time and anger wasn’t my motivation for the thread.

5) I was told that because of my thread, SE reform won’t happen for a while now because there are people here who can’t “capitulate to a woman.” As I’ve thought it through, I’ve realized that CUF isn’t adding enough to my life right now to make the effort of dealing with this kind of sexism worth my energy.

Forgiving and moving on is the respectable thing to do: for me and for you. I hope you’re able to fix your problems and that CUF is around for a long time to come. There are great posters here. Someone please let me know if you manage to clean things up or if anyone here decides to put together a new board…..

Thanks for all the friendships. Yeah… they’re silly in their own way, but they still mean something to me. Good luck.