Date: Sat, 9 May 2009 20:03:22 -0700 (PDT)
From: Cris Ray
Subject: Working Title - Intro
Disclaimer: Alright y'all know the deal. If any of y'all aren't 18 or it's
illegal to view this kind of stuff in the area y'all live in, click the
pretty little back button and do something legal. If man on man stuff
offends y'all leave, and if you plan on stealing my work don't. Ha ha that
in mind, please enjoy.
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I have to write this just so y'all can understand how much this story means
to me. This story is completely real. I didn't change any of the places
or dates or events. The only thing I did change were a couple names. I've
needed to write this for months. I didn't even realize I did until I
actually started writing and cried the whole time while I did. I don't
know what writing this will honestly do, hopefully give me the strength to
finally forgive myself and move on from what I did. The text message you
see at the beginning is five months old, that's how long I've carried the
weight of this around. The emotions and everything I've felt in this are
raw and real. I just absolutely have to get that point across so maybe one
of y'all who read this won't make my mistakes, because believe me, it's not
worth the pain you could inflict on someone else, and it's not worth the
pain you inflict on yourself. And that those of y'all who haven't made my
mistakes will treasure every moment you have with someone you are in love
with. Anyways sorry for babbling here, I hope y'all enjoy this and please
sent comments to yarnwahssirc@yahoo.com I don't know how often I'll write
installments or even if I will, y'all let me know if I should continue.
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"Why did u hurt me?", said the text message from his ex boyfriend on an
orange enV.
Brooks just stared at his phone for sometime, not quite knowing how
to say what he knew he needed to. Time had run out. The race was run and
they both lost. How do you possibly tell someone that you'd dated for ten
months that you were never really in love with them? A tear ran down his
cheek as he took a breath and prayed for the strength to do this.
"I don't know how to tell u this I care about u so much but I was
just never able to fall in love with u", he finally sent back to Jake. His
heart ached as the guilt racked its way through his entire body. He looked
out the window at the bright twinkling stars of the December sky. Why did
Jake have to ask him this of all nights, on Jake's birthday?
"Erase my number and ne thing about me. I won't b back for my
stuff. And I want u to promise u won't ever do that to ne 1 again. Have a
good life brooks", said the text message and that was it.
Brooks just laid there staring at his phone. He didn't even feel
the tears well up in his eyes or even cascading down his face. All he was
aware of was how all of a sudden quiet the world around him seemed. He
felt he deserved whatever he got, probably worse. Eventually he was
finally able to realize the reality around him and wiped his eyes. He
gently said a prayer for Jake's well being and happiness and picked up his
book and tried to read. It was a lost cause.
He went to his bathroom and looked in the mirror. His deep blue
bloodshot eyes stared back at him. He brushed a strand of his shaggy brown
hair out of his eyes and began to wash the Irish white skin of his face.
He stood back up and just looked at himself, eyes trailing down his 5'11
slender yet toned body.
"I'll think about it later", he said to himself as he walked to his
bedroom. Instantly though that thought was crushed by the weight of
emotion that swept through him. Jake had moved back to Washington State at
the end of July and Brooks still wasn't able to sleep in his own bed.
Jake and Brooks had gotten together the previous September. They
were the couple you'd see always fighting and always making up. Everyone
thought they were perfect for each other, including Jake. For the entirety
of their relationship Brooks knew Jake was amazing. He was kind, cute,
courteous, everything any guy could want. But no matter how hard he tried,
Brooks just couldn't make himself fall in love with him. Around May Jake
decided he had enough of South Carolina to last him and started making
plans to go back to Washington. For the last month he lived with Brooks
and his family. Brooks refused to let Jake sleep on his couch and gave him
his bed instead. Those were the happiest ten months of Brook's life.
The trip to Atlanta to drop Jake off at the airport with some close
friends just didn't seem real to Brooks. The final supper at Chili's with
everyone that Sunday evening just went by like nothing in the world was
happening out of the ordinary. Like Brooks and Jakes lives weren't
changing. At the end everyone who wasn't going cried and they all took
turns taking pictures. Next thing Brooks knew they were riding off in the
sunset towards Atlanta with two of their closest friends, the one from
Atlanta actually driving them.
The car ride was laughing and joking and Ashley showing them places
from when she grew up. It just didn't seem real to Brooks. How could
everyone be smiling? Things were changing for good and nothing could halt
it. He wanted the ability to personally stop time and just enjoy Jake's
company a little longer. True he wasn't in love with him but he did love
him and care for him deeply. They had shared so much of themselves for ten
months with each other.
Around three in the morning they finally made it to the airport.
They sat at a café eating a bagel, finally knowing the inevitable was upon
them. It was quiet, just like now. Finally they had to walk Jake to
security. As Brooks leaned in to kiss him and hug him goodbye, he wanted
this moment forever. They didn't let go of each other for two minutes, but
finally fate and God had to break them apart and Jake walked away. Brooks
felt everything inside rise up to his eyes and unleash in torrents of
tears. When he finally lost sight of Jake, he turned to Ashley and she
held her arms out for him and he just hugged her and cried on her. He felt
the weight of Erica, their other friend pressing in on his other side and
they all three cried together.
Eventually the tears started slowing down until they stopped and
they finally left the airport. Brooks stayed up to talk to Ashley on the
drive home and also to keep his mind away from Jake. If he slept he knew
he'd dream. They got home around 6 that morning. Bidding his friends a
goodbye and thanking them for everything, he made his way to his basement
bedroom and just stared as his bed.
He picked up a t-shirt Jake had left and just cried into it,
wondering how to pick up his life where he left off yesterday. The only
thought running through his mind was it wasn't even a day when Ashley and
her boyfriend had come to help them load his stuff up into Ashley's car.
It wasn't even a day that Brooks's father, aunt, and grandmother had all
hugged Jake goodbye and that Brooks's mother had called him tearfully
wishing him the best. And all of a sudden, it was like those ten months
didn't exist. Like that last month was just a dream. Brooks laid on the
couch instead and cried for an hour. God eventually took pity and allowed
a dreamless sleep to emancipate him from the anguish he was feeling.
Brooks snapped back to reality as he continued to cry. That bed
had been an oppressive memory of the past for five months. They had laid
there and joked and horse played. They had fallen asleep in each other's
arms. They had made love. They had mapped out their lives together, all
on that bed.
In October Brooks left his comfort zone to visit Jake for a week in
Washington State. He had never been on a plane before and the farthest
he'd ever been outside of South Carolina was two hours west to Atlanta and
two hours north to Charlotte. 11 hours after being dropped off at the
airport in Greenville, South Carolina though there he was, in Spokane,
Washington. His first night was spent at a local mall with Jake and some
of Jake's friends and getting felt up by a male associate of Nordstrom. He
truly realized he wasn't home anymore and that Jake was slightly different
after that moment. Such a thing back in South Carolina was unheard of to
the point that Brooks didn't even know how to react. Jake and his friends
just laughed.
They made love again that week and Brooks personally prayed the
week would never end, no matter how homesick he really was. It amazed him
just how different he was. Asking for grits at a diner got a raised eye
brow from the waitress and Jake's roommate asking him what grits were.
Asking for sweet tea got a confused "Yes, I mean we have unsweetened tea
that you can add sugar to". And anytime he opened his mouth one of Jake's
friends would point out the "exotic" southern accent that Brooks possessed.
The basic principle of always calling your elders ma'am and sir was laughed
at by his roommate's mom with a "You were either raised in the south or
just brought up extremely well".
One thing Brooks had to admit though was downtown Spokane was
beautiful. The park was amazing as was the Davenport Hotel. And ice
skating for a good ol' southern boy was an adventure sending Brooks into
laughter as he skated around the ring and a smile as Jake stared at him.
The eve of his last night there they sat in the lobby of the Davenport and
Brooks considered the possibility of leaving the life he had known for
nineteen years behind to stay here with Jake. He knew though it would end
up being a lie that he couldn't fulfill. For no matter how much he wanted
to, Brooks was just not able to fall in love with Jake, though he would
have moved Heaven and Earth just to have been able to.
And like his intentions towards Jake, all good things must come to
an end. The week ended and saw another tear filled goodbye as Jake sent
Brooks off at the airport back to the life Brooks knew and missed. For as
much as he loved being with Jake, he was painfully homesick. After
thanking Jake's roommate for her hospitality and having another endless
minute of hugging Jake, Brooks went through security. As the officer
looked at his ID, all she said was "I thought I detected an accent". As
flattering as the attention about where he was from was, he couldn't wait
to get back home where his accent was considered nothing out of the
ordinary and try to pick up the pieces of what that week had revealed to
him.
Once again reality was cruel enough to take Brooks away from his
memories, or maybe reality was trying to be fair and chivalrous towards
him, that was to be decided. He was finally able to stop crying, sighed,
and went to bed, hoping that tomorrow, New Years Eve, would be kinder to
him, though he certainly knew he didn't deserve the kindness that time
would be able to bring him. Before he laid his head down and said his
prayers, thanking God for all the blessings He was kind enough to bestow on
someone like Brooks, he noted the irony. Just five months prior time had
been the worst thief he had ever known of, and now time would be the
emancipator he didn't deserve.
Thank y'all for reading, I hope y'all enjoyed it and please send any
comments to yarnwahssirc@yahoo.com and thanks again y'all!