Tony died and was sent to heaven. Saint Peter told him that, because he had cheated on his taxes, he could not enter heaven right away. But "if you will sleep with a fat, ugly woman for five years and enjoy it, then you can get in." Tony decided that was a small price to pay for eternity in heaven, so off he went with his enormous new friend, pretending to be happy.

Soon he saw his old buddy Carlos up ahead, with an even fatter, uglier woman. "Carlos? What happened to you?"

Carlos replied, "I cheated on my taxes even more then you but in ten years, I'll get to enter heaven." As they commiserated their fates, they spotted their old friend, Jon, with a gorgeous supermodel.

Stunned, they asked Jon how he ended up with a goddess while they ended up with two hippos. Jon replied, "I have no idea, but I'm not complaining. She's fun and the sex is great! But there is one strange thing: every night, after our sexual escapades, she rolls over and murmurs, 'Damn taxes!' "

Monique van der Vorst was paralyzed from the hip down at 13 when she suffered nerve damage during a routine ankle operation. Years later, she went on to win a silver medal for handcycling in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. However, that same year she was hit by a car while training in her wheelchair and endured a spinal cord injury. Last summer, as she trained for the London 2012 Paralympics in her wheelchair something happened that changed her life: She collided with a sprint cyclist. When she was recovering in the hospital, van der Vorst discovered that she could move her feet. Something had occurred during the accident that reversed her paralysis. Van der Vorst told Reuters that when she took her first steps she felt like a child learning to walk again. Doctors are still stumped by her astonishing recovery. Some theorize that the trauma of her last accident might have jolted her body back into activity. Van der Vorst, now 27, went through an intense rehabilitation and eventually began training on a racing bicycle. Because she is no longer disabled, she is ineligible to compete in the Paralympics. Instead, van der Vorst is now in training to compete in the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. People on Twitter are astounded by her story. One person said, "Wow this story is incredible," and another person called it "amazing." Given that van der Vorst has already won two Paralympics silver medals and the 2009 Iron Man in Hawaii, I think we might be seeing her in Rio in 2016.

Most everyone knows that New York City is one of the hardest place on the entire planet to find parking. So when you find a spot, you make darn sure you can squeeze in, no matter how tight is really is. In this CCTV video, apparently taken in Bushwick, Brooklyn, one NYC driver proves why he belongs there. The driver squeezes into such a small spot, he has to literally wiggle in and out while pushing the cars in front and behind him as he makes many moves to finally get his car between two others.

An Invercargill man who moved next door to the woman he raped seven years ago is more likely to reoffend than if he was living on the other side of town, a rape prevention educator says. The convicted rapist, Craig James Crofts, 48, was sentenced to four years' jail in 2004 after admitting raping a woman. He was denied parole on several occasions and served his full sentence before being released, a parole spokeswoman said.

Offenders were usually denied parole if they showed a high risk of reoffending and no remorse for their actions. Crofts' victim is now living in fear after he moved into a house next door. Police say there is nothing they can do. The two residences are so close that, when Crofts is in one part of his block of units, he can see directly into the front window of his victim's flat, which she shares with her partner.

Police have asked Crofts to move out of the area, but they do not have legislative powers to make him move. "It's not OK for any victim of sexual violence to have their offender living next door," Rape Prevention Education director Kim McGregor said. "Closer proximity to previous victims increases the risk."

The woman has an indefinite protection order in place against Crofts, but the order does not specifically say he could not live beside her. "I just don't feel safe knowing he is living there, all I want is for him to move on," she said. "When I see him I feel very shaky and that's how he affects me, it just brings everything back - I hate him living next to me."