Don’t Let an Ex Define Your Boundaries

Dear Harlan: My ex and I reconnected a few months after our breakup and started a friendship. Since this happened, she initiated physical contact with kissing and touching, and she’s often saying, “I miss you.” Though we have not been intimate, I don’t feel 100 percent sure of her intentions or feelings when she does this, and I get the feeling that she also is talking to other guys. I guess I just want the honest truth as to whether I should end this friendship for good and continue to move forward. Obviously, a part of me still has feelings for her. — Ex in Limbo

Dear Ex in Limbo: She isn’t a friend. She’s an ex who is kissing you, giving you mixed signals and crossing boundaries. Forget mind-reading, and stop focusing on what she wants. Focus on one thing: What do YOU want? Do you want to get back together? Do you want to be her friend? What’s your boundary? Don’t let her define what you want based on a few kisses. You can be the one to define what YOU want. If you want to get back together with her, then tell her that the mixed signals make you think she wants the same. If you don’t, then don’t kiss her and let her touch you. If being friends with her makes it too hard for you to meet other women and move forward, then don’t be her friend. You don’t owe her anything other than the truth. Focus on what you want, and see if she wants the same. If not, move on.