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Here’s an easy way to turn dreaded employment networking into
deadly effective bonding:

When you’re networking, ask for a reference, not a
job.

Whether you’re doing catch-up drinks or grabbing lunch to
reconnect, your main goal is to get an ally, not a tally of job
listings. Recruiting a helping hand to your search is your
aim.

So don’t ask your college buddy if he knows of any jobs for
people like you. How would he?

And don’t ask your boss from two jobs ago if she has the names of
any people who are currently looking to hire somebody like you.
It puts her on the spot.

No, instead, ask for a reference. Mention that you’re going to be
moving on, or you’re already looking, or that you’re actively out
on the street. Let them know the type of positions you
are and are not suited for, and
what you’re hoping to achieve in your next opportunity.

And then ask them if — when it gets to that happy place in your
search — it would be OK to use them as a reference.

By not putting them on the spot about specific job openings, you
reduce the awkwardness inherent in the networking conversation.

And by letting them know that you hold them in high enough esteem
to potentially use them as a reference, you’re actually paying
them a compliment.

You’re also making it easier for them to say “yes”, and to feel
good about themselves for being a good friend and helping you out
with this little favor.

All of which means that you have a new buddy in your search — one
who’s going to be thinking about keeping an eye out for new
opportunities and an ear open for fresh possibilities for their
reference-able friend: you.

It’s wins and grins all around.

Now, this doesn’t work for just any old person you meet on the
street. There’s probably a pretty good match between people you’d
take to lunch and those you could ask to be a reference. So my
advice would be to stick to asking those you know well enough.

Being realistic, the widely offered and deeply wrong advice from
the past decade that you should try to extract favors,
concessions, names, jobs, and career assistance from people
you’ve only met over the phone is not only useless, it can be
counterproductive to your aims by antagonizing your broader
network.

By making your networking about compliments, you’ll find it pays
dividends.