Green Balls and Glitter

What on earth are you talking about Mary? Has Mabel been spiking your tea again?

No, no dear. Do calm yourself. I was talking about Strictly Come Dancing and that politician chap with his green face and alarming yellow suit. Did you watch it dear?

Oh, ab-SO-lutely dear heart. It is quite the required viewing at la residence. I always make sure Snetter brings me a large G&T and a plate of Cheese Straws before I settle down, but I must admit I get so excited that those little pastry flakes do find their way into the most unusual of places!

That sounds rather itchy dear. I do hope that Ed Balls continues to do well, he really has thrown himself into the whole thing which is just so admirable; but of course there are some lovely dancers this season.

Indeed there are – it’s such a shame that ballroom isn’t taught in schools more. Do you remember having to practice our Flying Skips together at class with Miss Trutchington?

Indeed I do Agatha. In fact, I am certain that the late, great Morecambe and Wise must have copied our moves for their end of show dance.

You are spot on Mary! Although I would like to think that our rendition was a little more… feminine…. should we say!

Of course it was dear, and everything was fine until those young chaps from Broadwick Grammar came to dance with us, but I do seem to remember a couple of them rather liked the fact that you were always taking the lead!

My goodness Mary, your memory is quite rapier sharp today. But you’ve reminded me of that lovely man in America, Pierre Dulaine, who believed that dance could help the underperformers and trouble makers and enhance a child’s education and life.

Oh yes, I do remember something about him. Didn’t they make a film about him?

Yes, indeed they did dear one. It starred that delicious Antonio Banderas (sighs) and I believe it was called ‘Take the Lead’. But, all this dancing is so romantic and stylish it does make me think of happier days when there was someone to share the excitement with.

Indeed Agatha dear, and I believe we need to find you an exciting man for the upcoming party season, it simply won’t be the same without one.

Yes (looks wistfully at her cup of tea) I do miss old Binky. I still feel a tad guilty about leaving him to rot in that Egyptian jail. Maybe I could drop the charges and have him return to Blighty.

You are a soft touch Agatha. I think you should leave him to his own devices, he needs to be taught a lesson, that you are not a woman to be trifled with. And we need to “hook you up” as the young ones say, with a suitable gent. In fact, you might meet someone if you join me at the party next week.

What party is that dear? I don’t believe I have received any invitations for the forthcoming weekend.

Oh, well those charming people, the Jutting-Heskeths, have invited the Count and I to a ‘Strictly’ Halloween party. I am determined to go, but sadly the Count will be entertaining Great Aunt Madrigal on her annual visit from Florence. So you could be my “plus one”! Apparently it’s going to be glitter and ghouls! Their parties are quite the talk of society and invitations are only to a very select few. I need to decide on my costume, of course.

I don’t believe I do know them, dear, but it’s a thought. Could we perhaps wear our belly dancing outfits?

Oh Agatha dear, that would certainly put the frighteners up them, and may scupper one’s chances of any more invitations. I think I should go well covered, the less flesh on show the better in my view. No, I was thinking more ofMadame Arcarti – you know, the Medium from Blithe Spirit.

That would be too perfect, my dear. And so elegant. I can imagine you floating serenely through vaulted rooms wafting incense and predicting futures. And maybe I could dress up as the Spirit – paint my face green. Perhaps I might attract the attentions of a charming politician if I am channelling Ed Balls?

Oh my goodness dear, I would advise caution. After all, our old pal Gussie Twot-Wickham was involved with that MP for a while. I believe he was mostly made of wood – right down to his handlebar moustache. She used to complain it gave her splinters! Still he was rather dashing and good at parties and the like. Always had a ready anecdote with which to thrill the assembled company.

Wasn’t he the one who was chums with that orange man with the strange hair in America. You know the one? He keeps bothering women.

Trump dear?

No, not me dear. I do believe it was the dog.

Oh no Agatha silly, I mean Donald Trump who’s running for President.

My goodness (fanning herself quickly) don’t mention his name! Just the thought of him makes my head spin and my heart sink. My equilibrium has been quite all over the place at the thought of him becoming President – I mean, can you imagine what the first lady would be like…. goodness, I believe the whole world would go backwards……women would be quite subjugated…..and then there’s the wall…. Oh I feel quite faint (swoons)

Agatha dear, pull yourself together and have some more Apple Tart!

Thank you Mary, (munching daintily) yes that does pep me up. Maybe an MP is not such a good idea then?

I think not dear, but perhaps a spot of speed dating would give you a lift?

But Mary dear, you do talk nonsense! You know that, at my age, nothing is ever done at speed! Which reminds me, isn’t that Lesley Joseph amazing – a true example to all of us who are trying to mature with grace and vigour.

Oh absolutely dear. Who knows, after we’ve mastered belly dancing we could perhaps take up the Charleston?

Now, there is something to look forward to. Would you like another slice of apple tart ?

Do you need ask? This really is glorious – so seasonal, and the pastry is as light as a feather!