If you told me Jessica Alba was on a bikini vacation in the Caribbean and you had photos of the uber-MILFtastic, i’d say, oh, happy days. If you told me Chrissy Teigen and her enlarged funbags were also there in a bikini and that Jessica was bending over and flexing this way and that, I’d say, somebody get the oxygen tank, I’m feeling lightheaded. Is this a dream? Yes, kind of it really is.

Hottest mom in the world Jessica Alba rarely gets down to showing off her stellar body these days, maybe a couple or three times a year. It’s like a nature cameraman waiting months for a once in a long time animal phenomenon to occur. You have to be in the right place at just the right time. Especially when Jessica is bending over in her bikini. And with Chrissy Teigen co-vacationing in her undersized bikini. Wow. This is so much better than National Geographic, and, truly, imho, far more important. We’ve been struck with great fortune! Enjoy.

There’s something admirable about a man who adores his wife. There’s something even more admirable about a man who takes nekkid pictures of his wife to express his adoration and then shares them with the world. As with long time Egotastic! Reader and fine female photographer Terry Osterhout who has compiled his past five year’s of photos of his beloved muse and life partner Liz La Point in a compendium color gloss book. Yeah, you better believe that’s better than buying your wife flowers from the guy at the freeway offramp on the way home for your anniversary.

I am now the grateful owner of a copy of ‘I Love Liz La Point: 5 Years of Art and Love’ here in the Egotastic! hideout. I’d urge you to consider the same, a sampling of which is here in the attached gallery. Enjoy.

Hooray for Friday, the day that makes all other days of the week pretty much it’s bitch every time it rolls around. Perhaps it was born with privilege, but it works hard to keep it’s rep. It’s why we honor the day by opening up the Reader email bag of happiness and tingly feelings. I really am pretty sure I hear the angels sing when I pull back the goldenrod colored strings and the reader contributions pour out. It might be in my head. I do often hear voices. I’m sure I’m fine. Hide your pets.

This week’s Reader Finds includes the deliciously blonde and topless Amy Smart (from the goodness of EgoReader ‘Ben’), Ana Alexander and friends in the highly underrated formerly awesome show Chemistry (lovely lasses topless via ‘Jeremy R.’), the beautiful Bambi Northwood Blyth topless in not one, but two exquisite pictorials (thumper be happy thanks to ‘Eren’), some early nekkid modeling shots of Latina hottie Bruna Mendes (from the mind of ‘Alonso E.’), the red hot Carmen Kass topless for Vogue back in the day with a kicker of Paraguayan delight Larissa Riquelme topless (much kudos to ‘David M.’ for both), skinny Euro model Franzi Mueller flashing her natural nubs (swell bit of the slender sextastic from ‘Jeeba’), Kelly Curran funbags of perfection on screen (thank you kindly to ‘Bennet’), Lindsay Ellingson alluring in a bit of lingerie (underrated hotness dropped off by ‘Jenny’), Madonna topless in the screen gem Body of Evidence (okay, so film, not so good, but ta’s… thanks to ‘Aaron W.’), Penelope Cruz big guns bare in early film work (oh, en fuego ta’s from ‘Stephen P.’), and last, but holy heck not least, numerous killer photos of of busty Asian model who EgoReader ‘Henny’ couldn’t quite name, but already forgiven, you’ll know why if you make it to the end. Enjoy.

One of my favorite actors, Danny Trejo, is taking time out from killing narcos with a machete to open a taco stand in LA. The restaurant will be called Trejo's Tacos and features the grizzled face of the lovable rogue as its logo. The first location will be housed in an old Taco Bell on South La Brea and Olympic in Los Angeles. They ripped out the garish Taco Bell decor, that looks not unlike a bus station in Arizona in the 70′s, and replaced it with "black Venetian plaster, black leather upholstered seating, and custom black-and-blue tile murals will create a vibe somewhere between hip urban taqueria and biker bar." Sounds appealing. I would eat the eff out of some Danny Trejo tacos. I bet he kills all the meat himself by giving it a dirty look.

I hope he expands to New York. I would go there every day for lunch in the hope that his toughness essence enters into my soul and makes me muy macho.

When I was about ten years old I was introduced to a game called Custer’s Revenge at the house of a friend of mine. You know the kind of kid with really bad parents that don’t supervise them at all. The game had the notorious reputation of being both lewd, violent, and kinda racist. The game involves George Armstrong Custer trying to cross the screen with a raging hard-on. If he can avoid all the arrows being shot at him he gets to rape a tied up Native American girl. He also had a game called Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em, in which a man on top of a building ejaculates semen into the mouths of two women waiting below with open mouths. I knew what I was seeing was dirty, but I also knew deep down that there was something deeply distrubing about the whole thing.

Later, I played the game Leisure Suit Larry in which you play the eponymous hero trying to get laid. This game had only mild misogyny and the sex was all consensual at least. In the years since there have been several games with gratuitous male junk. The folks at Kotaku compiled the “best” of them. Enjoy your trip down donger lane.

That's Mortal Kombat as in 2011's Mortal Kombat, not Mortal Kombat as in Mortal Kombat the franchise as a whole. This is why it should've officially been named Mortal Kombat 9, so I don't have to write shit-tastic sentences like these. Still, I'm now a shoo-in for the Guinness 'most uses of the words Mortal Kombat in a paragraph' world record.

Anywho, yes. Last time we caught up with the upcoming tenth release, Ermac was doing his thing as only Ermac can. His new joint-contorting, pulling-Sub-Zero's-guts-out-through-his-mouth-using-psychic-powers Fatality is among the grisliest the series has seen.

But does it rank highest on the gore-o-meter? It's too early to say, natch, as we've only seen a little of what X has to offer. But while we're still waiting on that agonising April 14 release date, let's take a look back. Let's party like it's 2011, and skewer heads Mortal Kombat (see the first paragraph) style.

Here, courtesy of StylishGaz, is a countdown of the Top 15 Gruesome Fatalities from the last installment. From Kratos slashing some poor bastard's half a body in half, to Baraka's claw-y meat-spinny thing, to Goro simply pulling his opponent's body in half as they explode in a meaty mess, there's something for everyone right here. Check it out.

It’s been a good week for 1990s TV shows. First Fox brought The X-Filesback from the dead. Now NBC is reviving Coach, the classic Craig T. Nelson sitcom about a gruff college football coach who’s surrounded by bumbling idiots in his professional life and touchy-feely women in his personal life.

The show originally aired on ABC from 1989 to 1997. However, NBC is apparently pleased with Nelson’s recent work on Parenthood and convinced by Modern Family that grumpy 90s sitcom dads can have a second life in the new millenium. So they outbid the other three networks—that’s right, they all wanted it—and ordered a 13-episode limited series.

They’re no word yet when new Coach will air, nor whether any other original cast members are on board. But the idea is that an old, long retired Craig T. Nelson returns to the game to serve as as assistant coach…for his own son! Imagine all the hilarity that will ensue!

No, seriously though, Coach was pretty damn funny. Jerry Van Dyke is 83 years old, but if there’s any way they can get him back as Luther, I’m in. That guy was a comedic genius.

Shelly Scholten is a fitness trainer and a model and a remarkably hot bodied entry into the fancy if not feckless bottled water bikini pimping line of girls prancing through the Malibu waters. There is arguing marketing effectiveness, there is no arguing how badly you wish Shelly would return to your blanket on the beach after her bikini shoot and say something like ‘man, having my picture taken makes me super horny’. Dare to dream the unlikely.

Shelly flashed her quite fit and ripe and ridiculously stellar body like a true pro pretty damn sure she carries no extra body fat around in places she’s not aware. I’ve done a careful twenty minute examination of my own and I must concur. Simply bikini body perfection. Wow, that tight little thumper. I do believe I need some electrolytes, stat. A Gatorade and Shelly in just her thong bottom ought to do the trick. In fact, just skip the Gatorade. Enjoy.

Naturally, making the cover of Playboy magazine as Gia Genevieve did this current month, is going to give you quite the boost in your career as a blonde hottie. It doesn’t hurt when you back that up with some quite alluring topless photos in Lui magazine, establishing your bold credentials ad a young woman who knows just how hot she is and just what to do about it. Make men suffer happiness just that much more. The tease. Oh, the tease.

All I know is Gia Genevieve is going places and that I want to go with her. Somebody needs to hold onto her clothes she keeps taking off for her photoshoots. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to beg to do it. I know how to fold a bra. And contain my deep felt lust for girls like Gia until two beers have passed my lips, at which point I become a bumbling overly-honest romantic. Be kind to me, Gia, I did fold your bras. Enjoy.

I don’t know what you call this outfit Kelly Brook is tooting about L.A. in, but I call it a little slice of heaven. Or a little sneak peek of her other worldly booty cheeks which have given so much tingly good feelings to so many people for so long now. We probably out to give them a medal. I know I’d like to be the one who pins it on Kelly’s derriere.

Having now relocated to warm sunny L.A., no offense London, you have nice museums, we’ve had the chance to see more and more of Kelly Brook skin in public than ever before. There’s no sweaters and coverup clothing in L.A. nine months out of the year. You workout and you flaunt it, daily. Including some all too short loose bottoms that flash some inches of your sextastic curvy bottom. Just knowing those round mounds of faptastic are in my local environs is giving me the chills. I think I need to unfog my binoculars, if you know what I’m saying. Enjoy.

Darn it, Destructoid. You just beat me to that ‘breast collaboration' joke.

Anywho, to business. If you have even a passing knowledge of the gaming world, you'll probably know Dead or Alive's boobtastic reputation. Developer Team Ninja and their perky pugilists have been defying gravity and bathing suit size decency laws for years now. The latest release added that fancy new 'clothing gets more seethrough as the match goes on and fighters get sweatier' tech, just so you know what you're dealing with.

A little more obscure –but no less ogly– is Senran Kagura. It's all about toontastic lady ninjas, with similarly skimpy outfits and supersized chesticles. Combined, these two franchises are almost as dedicated to all things ladylumps as we are. And we don't say that lightly, natch.

This week, Dead or Alive and Senran Kagura combined forces, resulting in a tide of boobtastic the world has never seen. Well, kinda sorta. It resulted in exploding costumes, at any rate.

Yep, this week in Japan (because where else) a selection of Senran Kagura DLC costumes hit Dead or Alive 5: Last Round. The fighter is known for its destructible arenas and heavy impacts, and now we've adding this to the mix. Check out the delightfully pervtastic results of a heavy hit in these new outfits:

Ginta Lapina is perhaps the most famous blonde model you’ve not heard of. The darling of many European magazines and commercial advertisements, the sextastic Latvian blonde often lends herself to high class fashion and lingerie campaigns, like this pictorial bit of wonderment for the La Senza brand. She has that certain, come hither and check out my panties, kind of passion inducement set of skills that translate quite well into sales. I myself will likely add a few new items to my shame closet of silky lady’s things. I’m told it’s more healthy to indulge than deny.

Ginta I think married some super rich dude, as these things go, which might explain the decrease in her work efforts. When I marry my billionaire heiress, well, let’s just say, I shall miss you all. But I’ll send you postcards from the summer mansion in San Remo. I admire people who work even when they don’t have to, I just don’t intend to be like them. Put me in the camp with Ginta Lapina. Please. Enjoy.

There’s something about those brunette South of the Border model ladies that float my boat. Or yacht. Some day it’ll just be me and Pitbull and forty sextastic Latinas partying on my 40-foot sloop and I’ll knock Pitbull over the side, because he’s annoying and I can do the math. Mexican model Stephanie Borja can definitely come. Based on this visual application, I’d say she’s ready for some high seasons exhibitionism.

Featured in this month’s Hombre magazine, the premiere lads magazine for the boys down South, Stephanie shows why you really do need a boat of your own. Dock it and they will come. The lust inducing Latina like Stephanie with just the right amount of shyness, as in not all that much. Oh, that body on Stephanie when her clothes come off. Perfecto! Enjoy.

Well, I suppose this was inevitable. OSU Library busted coed and future adult star to be Kendra Sunderland got enlisted by grown up products toymaker PipeDream to have her various lady parts molded into replicable silicon toys for the lonely hearts club to delve into on a slow Saturday night. Naturally, you can’t have the replicas without the original, so the company filmed the young hot blonde ingenue in the making stripping down for her ‘pouring’ session.

If you had any doubt this wiser than most college aged young lady has the tool necessary to garner a strong following among consumers of mature themed entertainment, just check out these photos and erase all doubt. This is a potential A-list franchise film star in the making. You never know what gets you over the hump in the humping business, but I’d place a few shekels on Kendra’s future in her chosen field. Enjoy.

Cara Santana doesn’t just have a great body, she has one of the tightest worked out bodies in Celebrityville. Kind of snuck up on us. In the proud tradition of the petite hotties who work out daily with their yoga and Pilates and whatever mysterious things go on in that place they call the exercise room at the gym. Hence, when Cara putts around town in her Spandex stretch pants and a sports bra, as is her standard dress code, she’s earned it. And, of course, so have we.

It’s not that we’d like to see every single sextastic celebrity have the same worked out body. They’re all different. That’s the delight. Cara’s falls into the category of Hurt Me, Beat Me, and Scream at Me for Eating Pizza. That’d be rough to live with for more than one night. But, oh, what a night. Enjoy.

Professional hot person Rachel Hilbert was looking mighty fine while posing in a series of bikinis in this photoshoot for Victoria’s Secret. Rachel has a nice perky pair of yabos that look amazing all pushed up and sexy in these tops. MY favorite is how unbelievably scrumptious they look in the green and white bikini top. Rachel is seriously hot in every possible category. She’s got lots of tone on her body, a pretty face, and those aforementioned ta-tas. But let’s not forget her booty because to forget her booty is to deny one of her best attributes. Her thumper is a nice round number that I would personally like to wear as a hat.

These pics makes a man want to go to Victoria’s Secret and drop a dime on buying their girl these outfits. But they’ll never look like Rachel. No, sir.

Sexy young actress Bella Thorne was spotted rocking a bra top while hanging out in NYC. I wish I had known she was hanging out in the city yesterday without a shirt on so I could have beheld this lovely sight. Her mighty cleav was in full display. She’s got a perfect pair of ta-tas for her size. If Goldilocks were a lesbian rather than a porridge thief, Bella’s boobs would be the ones she would pick because they are just right. I think this is a good look for a formal night out that more hot ladies should adopt, fancy bra and jacket. Who needs a shirt? That’s so 20th century. Get with the times, gramps!

Bella is so hot that she makes me think very bad thoughts. She’s young, but she’ll be legal soon. I looked it up.

I’m a serious journalist with various degrees in things we need not delve into, but suffice it to say, I’m not supposed to play favorites in any regard. However, Eila Adams is my favorite unclothed reporter on Naked News. So, there, now, take away my Pulitzer. The cute as as bunny naked hostess for Naked News this weeks brings in the million and billion dollar celebrity real estate homes, so you can be jealous of both her body and how much J-Lo is selling her home for. Trust me, it works.

Naked News continues their 7-Day Free Trial Membership because like me, they are just certain you will love their online offering of fully nekkid talented ladies delivering the days news and sports and entertainment goings-on. It really is the single best way to keep in touch with your world. And some other delicate matters. Check them out. Have fun. Live a little. Go on. Enjoy.