A fitful meme the morning will exhaust

I usually try to say no to memes, but this one turned up in tight pinstripes and begged me to ruffle its hair, the saucy little minx.

Name three fics you think I will never, ever, ever write. In return, I will attempt to write a snippet of one of them.

Admittedly, since I am currently trudging through the 47th circle of Work Purgatory, I probably don't need any more daft images trying to squish their way into my already overwrought brain. But silliness is a tried and tested form of relaxation, n'est-ce pas? Of course it is...