Gary Brown: Make a date to check out new calendars

Saturday

I always appreciate getting a calendar such as “The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said” because every day it makes you feel almost like an orator.

“So many minority youths had volunteered ... that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself.”

That, according to the calendar, was the excuse a former congressman gave for not serving in Vietnam.

If it’s not the most stupid thing ever said, it certainly deserves to be in the top 365.

I didn’t see the actual calendar, just publicity material for it, so I don’t know for sure what day next year I’m going to be glad I didn’t say that. But I’m pretty sure I’m going to be happy when that day gets here.

NEW CALENDARS HERE

One of my most pleasant times of the year is when the new calendars come out.

Some guys look for the new cars. Some women watch for the new clothes.

I’m a calendar kind of guy, and early in autumn they appear in great number on store shelves and in publishing company catalogs.

One of my favorites is “The Original Page-A-Day Calendar 365 Jokes!” calendar, which also includes silly puns and riddles. You can’t be too silly.

“Did you hear the one about the thief who stole only things that began with the letter A?

“A wallet, a car, a watch ...”

Ha, ha, ha, ... ahem.”

Some of the humor in next year’s calendars gets specific. I saw, for example, a golf calendar — hey, I plan to spend some of the days next year on a course or 20, so it caught my eye. It is called “Golf Quips, Quotes and of Course Jokes,” and it offers this quip by Bob Hope.

“Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.”

And I ran across a calendar for “Just for My Teacher: A Year of Fun, Quotes, and Thanks.” It’s shaped and sized to dimensions of the apple that’s pictured on the front, an apple that appears to be polished enough to be given as a gift this Christmas to some student’s favorite teacher. And in the catalog I saw, the calendar is opened to Aug. 9.

You may have noticed that humor is running its course through the selection of calendars offered here. Next year’s calendars are not all funny. Some picture nature (sea scenes and wildlife), places of solitude (country settings and secret gardens), nostalgia (collectible teapots and porch pictures), cute pets (kittens and puppies), sports venues (golf courses and baseball diamond), and hobby interests (origami and guitar playing).

Well, my personal interest happens to be stupid stuff.

They have plenty of calendars for me. Certainly they have the “Stupidest Things Ever Said” that I was talking about.

“I want an autobiography,” an entertainment star supposedly told her editor, and she is going to tell some of us one day next year, “without revealing any personal information whatsoever.”

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