Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Got All This Paella

I made Paella this past weekend. Lots of it. Before I post the recipe, here's the bulk of a paella-centric Seinfeld script:

From Seinfeld: The Raincoat (I &II)

GEORGE: (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight?

(Morty and Helen look at each other)

HELEN: Tonight?

GEORGE: Yea they're making Paella.

HELEN: (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.

JERRY: (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans?

HELEN: (turns to Jerry) We have plans.

JERRY: Where'd you get plans?

HELEN: (annoyed) We have plans.

GEORGE: Well um, what about tomorrow night?

HELEN: (turns back toward George) Maybe

GEORGE: Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.

MORTY: (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though.

GEORGE: (quietly) Ya.

JERRY: (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later.

GEORGE: Ya.

(George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed)

JERRY: So what plans do you have?

MORTY: None

JERRY: So how come you're not going over there for dinner?

HELEN: Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.

MORTY: We can't stand them.

JERRY: Really? Since when?

HELEN: Since always. We've never liked them.

JERRY: Why?

HELEN: Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice?

JERRY: No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.

MORTY: Well we do.

……………………………………….

[Costanza House]

FRANK: They're not coming?

GEORGE: No, they had plans.

ESTELLE: How could they have plans?

GEORGE: That's what I wanna know.

FRANK: Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends.

ESTELLE: What am I supposed to do with all this Paella?

GEORGE: They said tomorrow, maybe.

FRANK: Maybe?

ESTELLE: Maybe they don't like us.

FRANK: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?

ESTELLE: Ah keep quiet.

FRANK: What are you trying to set my mouth on fire?

GEORGE: I don't know what the reason could be.

……………………………………………..

[Costanza House)

(George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in)

ESTELLE: You think they're coming tonight?

GEORGE: I dunno they said maybe.

FRANK: Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us.

ESTELLE: Well they better come, I got all this Paella.

FRANK: I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.

GEORGE: Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you.

ESTELLE: Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night?

GEORGE: I-I wasn't in the attic.

ESTELLE: I heard noise.

GEORGE: Maybe it was a mouse.

FRANK: (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving!

GEORGE: What?

FRANK: I will not tolerate infestation.

GEORGE: You haven't even seen one.

FRANK: Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.

ESTELLE: All right Frank that's enough.

(Frank sits back down)

…………………………………….

[Jerry's Apartment]

(George enters)

GEORGE: Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!

JERRY: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Mom and Pop Seinfeld

JERRY: Look I don't know.

GEORGE: All right I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.

JERRY: Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing.

GEORGE: So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?

JERRY: That's right.

GEORGE: Is there something wrong with my parents?

JERRY: Absolutely

GEORGE: Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.

JERRY: These the people you currently live with?

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: Uh huh

GEORGE: So are they coming tonight or not?

JERRY: Look I really don't know what they're plans are.

GEORGE: Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella.

JERRY: What is that anyway?

GEORGE: It's a Spanish dish. It's a mélange of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.

JERRY: I-I'll tell 'em

………………………………………..

[Costanza House]

(George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)

GEORGE: They were drinking champagne in a buggy!

FRANK: First Kramer, then Elaine?

GEORGE: Yea

FRANK: It's a slap in the face.

ESTELLE: (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them!

FRANK: What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that.

(Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room)

ESTELLE: The hell with them.

GEORGE: (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying.

…………………………………………

ESTELLE: You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer.

Anatomy of a Stinkface

My Fate is Not Fat

I've been dieting all my life - from Slim-Fast in third grade, to Phen-Fen in Junior High, to Weight Watchers in my late teens/twenties. I know more about food and calories than fit people, I'm grease-phobic, and I love fitness.
So why am I still fat?
Fruit Roll-Ups.