A Catholic Guilt Trip My Grandmother Would Be Proud Of

My friend John is a Catholic so he knows how to lay down a solid guilt trip. Take this email he sent me at lunch, for example:

I had a moment and wanted to share a surreal personal experience, not unlike your dream of advanced aircraft maintenance. I dreamed the other night that I had pimples on my face and one on my left eye (yes the reference to Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez, RIP, comes to mind). Well, I went to pop that bad boy and my eyeball exploded into my hand. According to my understanding of anatomy, the innards of the human eye have the relative volume and consistency of a chicken egg yolk. Little FYI. Then, with a black hole where my eye should have been, I ran around looking for a ride to the hospital. Just thought I would share that with you. I think it was my subconscious wrestling with trying to understand why you would not come out with us on Aaron’s birthday. Thanks for the nightmares, jerk.

John, congratulations on your recent engagement. It is always wonderful to hear big news like that through a third party. Asshole.

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