Absolutely! As
someone who has spent the last 15 years with my partner Mindy, who I consider
my "true love" and soul-mate, I know for a fact that true love is as
real as it is common. When someone
says that they are looking for, or have found, their soul-mate, what they are
actually saying is that they've found someone whom they feel so intimately,
spiritually, and physically connected to, that they feel the only explanation
for having found such a "perfect" and complimentary partner, is
through some kind of divine or cosmic intervention. In other words, they and their romantic partner were meant
to be; that their relationship is a product of fate and/or destiny.

However, within this line of thinking, the other assumption
is that we all only have one soul-mate; we only have one chance in life to meet
that special someone, the person who "completes us." I don't believe that's the case. I feel that we all have multiple
soul-mates out there. Before meeting
my wife Mindy, I had been in love with other women; some who I also considered
my soul-mates. Even though I'm no
longer with them, our time spent together was deeply meaningful to me. They all helped me mature into the man
I am today, and I still feel a connection to them; I still have love for them
in my heart.
So what exactly is love? And how does love differ from lust or deep friendship? There have been a number of researchers
and theorists who have addressed such questions.

Passionate vs. Compassionate Love

According to psychologist Elaine Hatfield the two basic
types of love are compassionate love
and passionate love. Compassionate love is characterized by
attachment, trust, affection and mutual respect. It is a form of love that typically develops out of feelings
of shared respect and mutual understanding for one another. Passionate love on the other hand, is
characterized by sexual attraction, emotions, anxiety and affection. When such intense emotions are
reciprocated, a sense of elation and fulfillment results. When one's object of affection does not
feel the same way, despondence and despair is experienced.
Hatfield suggests that passionate love is fleeting
(temporary), usually only lasting between 6 months to 3 years.

Hatfield also suggests that the experience of passionate
love is influenced by whether or not your culture encourages falling in love,
whether the person meets your preconceived ideas of what an ideal love looks
and feels like, and if you experience physiological arousal when the other
person is near (i.e., quickened heart beat, flushed cheeks and chest, increased
blood flow to the genitals, etc.). In the ideal situation, over time, passionate love will mature by including
elements of compassionate love.
Conversely, especially in the case of an arranged marriage, it is hoped
that compassionate love will eventually incorporate elements of passionate love
as well.

The Color Wheel Model of Love

John Lee compared styles of love to the color wheel in his
1973 book The Colors of Love.
Lee suggested that just as there are three primary colors,
there are also three primary styles of love: (1) Eros, (2) Ludos and (3)
Storge. Using the color wheel
analogy, Lee proposed that just as primary colors can be combined and mixed to
create complementary colors, the three primary love styles can be combined to
create nine unique secondary love styles.
For example, a combination of Eros and Ludos results in Mania, or
obsessive love.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory
of love that suggests the existence of three components of love: intimacy,
passion and commitment. These
three love components are visually represented as the points of a triangle. Different combination of these three
components results in different types of love, representing the three sides of
the triangle. For example, when
you combine intimacy and commitment, the result is compassionate love, while
combining passion and intimacy leads to passionate love.
Sternberg argues that relationships built on two or more
components of love are more enduring than those based on a single component
(ex., intimacy alone).

Sternberg
uses the term consummate love to
describe a combination of intimacy, passion and commitment. One can visualize this type of love as
filling the center of the triangle.
While consummate love is viewed at the strongest and most enduring kind
of love out there, Sternberg suggests that this type of love is rare.

Intimacy

No discussion about love would be complete without the
mention of intimacy. So what
exactly is intimacy? Intimacy within relationships has been defined by levels
of cognitive and physical closeness, positive affect, commitment, and
mutuality, and is viewed as a dynamic and interactive process based on mutual
trust and respect. According to Erik Erikson, intimacy is also viewed as
encompassing the ability to commit oneself to an emotional partnership while
having the strength to face whatever challenges such a pledge entails. In addition, intimacy has been regarded
as the primary method of getting close to another individual; the process by
which people explore the differences and similarities in how they and others
think, feel and behave. To gain an
even better understanding of intimacy, it is also useful to examine the fear of
intimacy.

Fear of Intimacy

Being in an intimate relationship is rife with positive
possibilities. It can be a source of happiness, intense pleasure, and personal
fulfillment. However, intimate
relationships also carry with them the possibility of experiencing intense pain
and suffering. Because of the
risks involved within intimate relationships, some individuals become anxious
or fearful towards intimacy. Such
anxiety, also referred to as a fear of intimacy, was defined by Descutner and
Thelen as “the inhibited capacity of an individual, because of anxiety, to
exchange thoughts and feelings of personal significance with another individual
who is highly valued."
According to Firestone and Catlett, a fear of intimacy is not simply a
fear of closeness to another individual, but is rooted in existential fears
related to one’s mortality. Being in a close, loving relationship with another
has the ability to remind us of how precious life is, and conversely, how
limited it is as well.

Conclusion

Returning to the question posed at the beginning, "do
you think there is true love in the real world?" Love, in my experience, is all around us. Soul-mates and true loves are around
every corner. But in order to
experience true love with another, one must feel true love within. I don't mean to imply that people
should be selfish or narcissistic.
Quite the contrary! What I mean is that people need to first learn to
truly respect themselves and their bodies, care about their physical and
emotional health, as well as their spiritual health (according to their
beliefs). There is an old saying
that goes, "people cannot hope to find true love with others, if they do
not learn to first love themselves."
What is true love? I tend
to subscribe to Sternberg's concept of consummate love as an apt description of what true love is all
about. But I'd also like to add
that you really know you're in love with someone when you care so much about
them that you'd do anything to help them realize their hopes and dreams, would
never think of intentionally harming them, and being with them inspires you to
be the best person you can possibly be.