Jokes for folks who sing along to both TOOL and Gordon Lightfoot in the car.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

A Tale of Two Johns

Hi! Sorry to disappoint those of you who came here expecting
me to share titillating anecdotes about how I secretly put myself through
college as a call girl. This obviously didn’t happen, for several reasons.
First, a basic analysis of my student loan debt would show that my part-time
college jobs paid just enough to cover beer, pizza, and purple hair dye. Second,
you have seen my house, right? If I’d been a “high end” hooker in college, I’d
live in a much nicer house with a hot tub. Or at the very least, I’d have a permanent
scar and/or limp and an impressive collection of chips from Narcotics
Anonymous. Third, gross.

Today I want to talk about publicity. Wait, don’t run away!
Have a beer. Relax. It’s kind of a funny story. Anyway, I fracking HATE self-promotion.
Hate it more than war or cilantro or adults that use the word “selfie.” The challenge is that my latest book is a bit of a tough
sell. Because, prison much? (And infidelity and toxic friends and horrible
secrets and paralyzed sex jokes and racial imbalance in the criminal justice
system and 80s hairbands and a scruffy little dog named Avis, after the car rental
company.) To help get the word out, I’ve employed some macro-level stuff. *Barfs
at own use of word “macro.”* This included hiring a publicist, booking a blog
tour, and yelling about my shit on Facebook and Twitter and then running away with the
cold sweat of self-loathing clinging to my torso.

The first sunflower to bloom in my yard.

All of which may or may not be working. So it’s time to
shake things up, get micro, reach out and touch someones who enjoy books
remotely like mine. I decided to visit the Amazon sales page for Jonathan
Tropper’s This is Where I Leave You,
because I feel (hope) that readers who like his novels will also like mine. I
scrolled through the five-star reviews, looking for a few kind souls who may be
open to reading and reviewing Mandatory
Release. Ultimately, because most people are afraid to connect their email
addresses with their reviews (I can’t imagine WHY), I ended up with two guys
named John.

I emailed both the same brief, kind-of-grovely pitch,
explaining who I am and why on earth I was writing to them. I heard back from
John #1 almost immediately: “No, thnaks.”

Not even enough interest to spellcheck his rejection.
However, I heard from John #2 a few hours later. He said it sounded right up
his alley and he enjoyed the four sample chapters he read. He finished by
saying I didn’t even have to send him a free copy, because he wanted to help
support my career.

So there we have it, on the micro-level. A tale of two
Johns. One a vaguely dickish poor speller, the other a kind soul who restored my faith in human generosity, all on the same day.

Goodreads JT fans, you have been warned.

PS: If you post an online review and email me the link by
August 10, I’ll enter you in a drawing for a $25 Amazon gift card. I’ve also got bookplates—I’d be happy to
inscribe one for your paperback copy, just let me know if y’all want one.

3 comments:

"Cold sweat of self-loathing clinging to my torso!" That's my smell! Brilliant post, Jess! My "macro-ni" and cheesy efforts went so far as to lead me to send a free, signed paperback of my book to a "Super Fan" in INDIA——some guy, who's address was 'behind a tree in back of bungalow'. At least I got a blog post out of it, which included a pic of the $29 postage receipt. Oh wait, Super Fan begged me to take the blog down. (I did.) (No reviews forthcoming, or sales spikes in India.) I imagine my poor book propping up a crooked table or something, but I can claim an international fan base now, right?!