Top 10 Songs (And Corresponding Actors) We’d Like The Academy To Use For Stage Dismissal

Unless you are a movie buff, love drooling over hot actors and actresses, play a hilarious drinking game, or are into overwrought demonstrations of fake appreciation for overpaid (and usually undeserving) celebrities, watching the Academy Awards can be a boring bust. The musical aspect of the show can be brutal, ranging from cheesy song-and-dance spectacles to yawn-worthy tributes.

One thing we’ve noticed is that the music they usher actors and actresses who have gone over on their speech time is always the same: incredibly boring and super patronizing. So, if they are going to patronize the artists with some orchestral chiding, why don’t they do it with actual songs?

We’ve chosen ten songs we’d like to use to kick the world’s finest thespians off stage.

This should be pretty self-explanatory. Nicole Kidman is perfect. She has a perfect face and a perfect body and perfect hair and perfect style and a perfect smile. Admittedly, also a little bit jealous.

But like the lyric from [lastfm link_type=”artist_info”]Cake[/lastfm]’s song that goes “Every shiny toy/That at first brings you joy/Will always start to croy and annoy,” Kidman is that shiny toy that we are just totally disinterested in playing with. No one can deny she is talented and gorgeous; she is a veritable Aussie automaton. And we are sick of it.

James Franco is like your favorite stoner buddy who also just happens to have a degree in English Literature from what seems like every major university in the world, a steadily climbing acting career (RIP: Freaks and Geeks), a farcical hip-hop group, and dashing good looks.

Everyone knows that Franco gets high and he makes every anti-weed campaigner tremble in their tightly wadded panties. Why? Because he is a weed smoker that actually accomplishes more in one day than most do in a month. And like a fellow famous stoner ([lastfm link_type=”artist_info”]Kid Cudi[/lastfm]) sings maybe “that’s the only thing that keeps me level /Up in my crazy head.”

In real life, one thing Natalie Portman is not is a “monster.” The waifish, nerdy vegan vixen has been stealing men’s hearts since she was barely pubescent, let alone legal, with her Lolita-esque smouldering looks. But in the movie Black Swan, we get to see a side of Portman which shows that maybe there is a little “monster” hiding deep down under her perfect exterior.

Fellow Gemini [lastfm link_type=”artist_info”]Kanye West[/lastfm] (their birthdays are a day apart) even sings about those crazy red eyes Portman got when her Black Swan character turned evil: “And my eyes more red than the devil is.”

Jeff Bridges is one of the most talented, likeable actors making films today. So why usher him off stage with [lastfm link_type=”artist_info”]Foo Fighters[/lastfm]’ existential rock hit, “The Pretender?” Well, being that Bridges is one of the world’s greatest actors, he is also one of the world’s greatest pretenders. We may think of him fondly as “The Dude,” but then do we really know him?

Michelle Williams has been a household name (appearing on teen drama, Dawson’s Creek) for a long time, but without massive success–until now. The only reason we can guess is that Williams has always been sort of tentative and awkward, taking the back seat to more glamorous actresses with her apple-cheeked girl-next-door good looks.

Well, Williams has grown up into a gorgeous, less gawky woman with acting skills to match, and Williams is “ready to start” like the [lastfm link_type=”artist_info”]Arcade Fire[/lastfm] song says in these lyrics, ” Now I’m Ready to Start /I would rather be wrong /Than live in the shadows of your song /My mind is open wide /And now I’m ready to start.”

There is no serious reason for why this song should be chosen, beyond its obvious hilarity and applicability. It would be pretty ironic if Jesse Eisenberg was kicked off stage to the lyrics, “My MySpace page is all totally pimped out/I got people begging for my top 8 spaces.”

Helena Bonham Carter is known for her fine acting skills just as much as she is known for her quirky, devil-may-care (or as the kids would say, DGAF) eccentricities–most notably in her fashion sense. Pop songstress, [lastfm link_type=”artist_info”]Lady Gaga[/lastfm], is also known for her wacky attire, albeit on a grander scale, and would encourage Helena Bonham Carter to continue on with her kooky escapades with lyrics like:

“I’m beautiful in my way, /’Cause God makes no mistakes /I’m on the right track, baby /I was born this way .”

Just say Javier Bardem’s name and you hear resounding, blissful sighs from women all over the world. There is no question that Bardem’s uber-masculine appearance is an aphrodisiac to all the babes on the block who like a “real” man. The same goes for Latin lover, [lastfm link_type=”artist_info”]Enrique Iglesias[/lastfm], who has a new song out appropriately called, “Tonight (I’m F**king You).”

This is probably just wishful thinking on our parts, but what else were we giving vivid, one-track-minded imaginations for?

A lot of people may deem Amy Adams annoying, but then simultaneously admit that she is also really, acutely hard not to like. There is something about Adams that makes her fiery locks and syrupy-sweet perkiness intoxicating–in the way you get a crush on that popular girl in sixth grade. The kind you judge all the rest of your future lovers on.

[lastfm link_type=”artist_info”]The Black Keys[/lastfm] describe Adams’ effect the best with lyrics to their song, “Everlasting Light.”

“Let me be your everlasting light /I’ll hold and never scold /In me you can confide /When no one’s by your side /Let me be your everlasting light.”

Christian Bale is known for getting into tip-top physical shape (or letting himself go) for his acting roles. To put it bluntly, Bale is a method actor to the nth degree and is known for being as attractively violent (in his roles) as he is theatrically virile. Such is the case for Bale’s Oscar-nominated role in The Fighter, where he was certainly letting the “bodies hit the floor.”

What music would you like them to use to usher people off stage during the Academy Awards? Let us know in the comments!