Tag Archives: Wanderlei Silva

Welcome to the pleasure dome ladies & gentlemen. Put one hand on your genital area, tighten up that belt around your neck, and get ready to diddle yourself silly. According to Ellis, when you hit the age of 65, you no longer look human, you look like Yoda. That’s Ellis’ research, and Rawdog’s research? GILFs. Tully has an uncle who is like 80 now, and he told him every time he looks in the mirror, he’s surprised to see that he’s old. That could be the onset of senility, or it could be because he doesn’t feel like he’s 80. Ellis saw and used the sister version of the Swinghouse bathroom over the weekend, it was let’s say, well used. Rawdog went shopping over the weekend, which of course brought up the logical next step, he needs a new car. His laptop is still with the fuckin geek squad or some shit and he said it’s going to cost a lot of money. This is about when, collectively, the jaws of all listener’s across the globe hit floor – after he said he thought he’d probably lease a vehicle because he couldn’t afford to buy a vehicle. Tully clarified it that he can have a car payment, buying a car doesn’t mean you have to pay for it all once. Rawdog also doesn’t have a credit card because he doesn’t want to have to pay fees to build “credit” (and yes, he put air quotes around credit). So let’s re-cap the past two revelations real quick. 1.) He didn’t know that you can buy a car, not pay the full amount, but have car payments. And, 2.) he’s never owned a credit card and has no idea how one builds up their credit rating.

Nobody can contain themselves when listening to TJES.

So UFC Fight Night 26 was on Saturday. Sonnen guillotine choked Shogun until he tapped, and then Sonnen made the stupidest after fight speech I’ve ever heard in the UFC or I imagine that would ever be uttered in the WWE. He also called out another older, ready to retire fighter, Wanderlei Silva. And look, we all know what Sonnen is doing, he hypes up himself and his fights, but that was so ridiculous, I think it cheapened the UFC image and sounded worse than the bullshit wrestler’s in the WWE spew. Travis Browne knocked out Alistair Overeem (Ovaries as Ellis says) and put that roid raged dude with a front kick and hammerfists. Matt Brown pretty much knocked out Mike Pyle in 29 seconds, even though Pyle pretended he was totally all there after his fucking head bounced off the canvas several times. John Howard won in a hug-filled split decision over Uriah Hall, and Urijah Faber’s cornrows won a decision over Iuri Alcantara. And thanks to Sonnen’s stupid ass post-fight speech, I can fake segway right into Tito Ortiz fake hitting Rampage Jackson with a fake hammer during a fake wrestling match.

How right you are, sir.

Korean shit wine is a thing, it’s called Ttongsul and is rice wine mixed with the fermented turd of a human child. It’s alcohol content is around 9%, it’s poop content is around 91%, and it’s supposedly medicinal in some crappy way, but the rest of the world is calling bullshit. Ellis heard some religious radio show that was talking about a guy that’s now a girl and wants to play basketball against chicks. Basically, it sounds like almost any women’s event in the Olympics where communist countries participate. This brought us into some Jesus talk, with Julio, Enrique, and Rosalita. Tully had a dream, and needed some dream interpretation from Ellis – which just so happens to be Ellis’ forte! His dream was that he was watching Sylvester Stallone in a big fight scene against brown people. He was on top of their car trying to hold on and shoot the bad guys, like a James Bond. Next he was helping chase a Max Headrom type character through a train station, while his wife is off shopping or some shit. Finally, he was playing women’s softball. Ellis says the 1st dream is about Tully learning to get along with his Japanese in-laws. The 2nd dream is the train of life, he’s moving forward. The 3rd dream is part his competitive nature who got beat by DanOD5 and so he feels emasculated. The 3 dreams together mean he’s a good, loving, father who got beat up by a chick.

Like, OMG, grrrrr!

Rawdog had a semi re-occurring dream which is him standing on top of a mountain, it’s crumbling, he keeps jumping to different mountains but they keep crumbling. Dr. Ellis says it’s the pedestal his parents had put him until his sister and brother were born and then that pedestal crumbed beneath him. Ellis continued taking calls and helping analyze the dreams of callers until everyone was satisfied and will sleep comfortably for the foreseeable future. What a guy! And apparently I’m gay and want to have sex with bears. The US military invested up to $44 million big ones on a stealth bomber. Canadians? They spent $620,000 little ones on a stealth snowmobile, and while it’s not quite stealth yet, it is pretty quiet! Moto news time, Ryan Villopoto just might be the current world’s greatest motorcyclist racer, actually, he must be. Because somebody said he’s wrapped up the title because they added his points up on a calculator or some shit. There’s a mystery superstar actress who overdosed and it’s all caught on camera and shit. Sounds juicy. In Aussie news, Ellis will be on Loveline tonight, I think, pretty sure. Oh, and some old Canberra man tried to shove an entire fork in his bleeding dickhole for sexual gratification. You stay forking classy Australia! Researchers at a university in Australia think if you add electrolytes to beer, the world can be hangover free, because I mean really, who has time for a glass of water before you pass out in a puddle of your own piss?

This pertains to all of you.

A 22-year-old man was walking on train tracks and got hit by an Amtrak train going 110 MPH. The conductor said he hit him straight on, but was fully conscious when police arrived and he’s not only fine, he’s okay. Josh found a site that identifies the lowest rated (or most hated) videos on YouTube, it may or may not be boootube.com. Live limbo time! How low can you go? Rawdog versus Ellis in a limbo competition, where Rawdog should have a clear edge here since he spent a portion of his college days at limbo parties. While the tale of the tape gives the advantage to Rawdog, it did not turn out to be enough as Ellis was able to out limbo Rawdog and his Monster Mash limbo method. The punishment for losing? Spin the wheel of doom! And what was the justice to be served? RC car nut pull. Hey, wanna fight at EllisMania 9? Make a video of you sparring or punching a heavy bag or you little sister or some shit and send it to fightclub@ellismania.com. And now, it’s racial joke Monday. A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The parrot says “I’ll have a beer!” The bartender’s impressed, slides over a beer and says, “Anything else?” The parrot says, “I’ll have a shot of rum!” The bartender is amused by all this and says, “That’s quite impressive, where did you get him?” The parrot says, “Africa, they’re everywhere!” OH!

It’s another Monday, and some of you wouldn’t mind having sex with robots, and some chicks will fuck fat dudes, but not if you show them the fat first. Dingo and Ellis’ friendship has been taken to another level after this weekend, and apparently Dings has a killer pad. Intern Anal Gay-Lewis took Ellis’ advice and got rid of the crooked / aspiring pedophile mustache he was rocking, but he still looks weird because he has a weird head. The guys are thinking of Voltron’ing together to create a single mega-comedian, Laughtron. They could also split apart to be separate comedians, but together they’d be unstoppable with jokes about aspiring pedophiles and people in the audience with pictures of their kids. Ellis saved a gay dude from getting raped by another gay dude that was blue-balling the other gay dude’s drugged up butt. Even though he wanted to kill Mr. Gay Molestor Dude (HOMOcide, get it?), he thwarted off the dude and called the cops, all that happened the same night he went to see The Used, via Bert McCracken – whose wife listens to the show and turned Bert on to it. There was some talk about school. School in Australia, US, France, etc. I’m with Ellis on this one, I hated school and I hate even having to walk through them to this day. Somehow the conversation went from schools to the nearly non-existent middle class in America and Mexican’s taking jobs. All that collection of randomness in the first hour of the show, damn!

Fuck yeah, bath salts, so tite!

Good news, scientists have cured a baby with HIV by giving it a cocktail of shots within 30 hours of it’s birth – suck on that Africa. Supercross in St. Louis this weekend, Ryan Villopoto won the 450 class, and that’s MMA news, no wait… That’s Rawdog’s MMA news, in real MMA news, Mark Hunt knocked out Stefan Struve, and Wanderlei Silva knocked out Brian Stann in a super exciting Don Frye-esque fight. And in other MMA news, Katie got paid today and announced a purchase of shaving cream and a bunch of toys, not toys for children, but for adult holes – if you catch my drift. Why would the words “Blink 182 is gnarly” come out of Ellis’ mouth? Because of the drummer, you know, that dude that plays the drums. The next Death! Death! Die! album is working up to be a massive double disc set, as much music as can fit on a cd – plus a DVD of Big Fucking Mega Boat. Probably not out in time to be paired with the double disc release, is the Death! Death! Die! lunch box. A woman tried out to be the first female NFL kicker ever, she didn’t make the cut after missing her 15-20 yard kick – an old injury seemed to be holding her back. New TJES producer was introduced today, Domonick “Dom” DeLuise (@TheHippieDom) – whose been in radio for about 7 years and has luscious locks like Dingo, just not as long. He’s part Mexican, part Indian, part Italian, he eats meat and “froyo” (aka frozen yogurt), which might be a good nickname for him on the show. He speaks well, like he might be smart, so this could hopefully turn out to be a very good match.

You may not like Hollywood news, but you can appreciate some fine art.

Bad news, JCPenny seems to be losing the battle with Macy’s so your catalogs of department store jerk-off material may be dwindling even more. Who was the dumbest person/s on TJES so far? Stupid Tits? Aaron Lewis? Porn stars? Probably porn stars. This led us into the segment, You Sir Are A Moron, band edition. There was a lot of back and forth here, too much to keep up with so I’m just going to pretend we all know exactly what each person voted and who was more of a moron, sir. Hollywood news times, at 2:05 AM, Justin Bieber tweeted, “Worst birthday ever” – because part of his entourage was too young to be let into the club. HAHAFUCKINGHA! But wait, Bieber said that was bullshit, he didn’t try to bring underage people into the club, he said he walked in – it was lame – so he left. OMG! You guys… I sooooo… don’t give a shit. TMZ says Benji Madden has a dream pad. Jay Leno’s days may be numbered and Shia LaBeouf was boxing at a gym or some shit. Brendan Fraser has some seriously major expenses, saying he’s losing $87k per month, while Drake unloaded a cardboard box containing $50k at a strip club. And some Aussie billionaire plans on building a replica of the Titanic, yes, the unsinkable ship that um, sank. Fuck. That. Shit.

British porn.

Revisiting moto news, Will was called in for his opinion as he watched his first motocross this weekend. Predictably, he didn’t have anything to say, which spurred Ellis and Tully to rag on him for a bit until angry Will finally revealed himself and told them to fuck off. One is left to assume Will is missing his tickle partner and is having a hard time adjusting. That brought us to final calls, some lazy chick called in to say she doesn’t like working, which stunned all of us other working class dickheads. A dude called in about this chick that wanted to “eat him out” and it was awkward because she told him to get on all fours, he was scared and didn’t take the bung tongue surprise. That and he thought about her licking another guys asshole and now he’s been making out with her, therefore by proxy, eating another dude’s asshole. Another dude called in to say he signed his kid up for wrasslin’ and wondered if maybe something would be better, because he wants to wear his ass out so he doesn’t bother daddy anymore. Some dude wondered if Ellis ever smoked out of a human skull before, because his dad did Vietnam and swore it got him higher or some bullshit. Clearly that dude’s dad has never smoked out of your mom’s asshole. Because that shit is like smoking a joint rolled by Jesus and licked shut by your little sister’s pussy lips. OH!