'Little Trump' Is Driving All His Surrogates Insane

Being our semi-regular weekly survey of the state of Our National Dialogue which, as you know, is what Nino Tempo and April Stevens would have sung, had they recorded "Derp Purple."

Before we start with the performance pieces, let's take a look at some real news concerning a real journalist. On Monday, the invaluable Amy Goodman of Democracy Now!will stand before the bar in the newly formed petro-state of North Dakota on charges of Doing Her Job In The First Degree. Formally, Goodman is charged with "participating in a riot" because she filmed a violent police action against the people protesting the construction of the Dakota Access pipeline.

Originally, Goodman was charged with misdemeanor trespassing. But then, a backwater states attorney named Ladd R. Erickson upped the ante with a rioting charge that, theoretically, could land Goodman in prison for decades. Erickson offered the following explanation to The Grand Forks Herald for why he decided to inflate the charges the way he did.

(I'm sorry. That was a mistake. Somebody in the control room threw the wrong switch.)

"She's a protester, basically. Everything she reported on was from the position of justifying the protest actions," said Erickson, adding that her coverage of the Sept. 3 protest did not mention that people trespassed during the incident or the alleged assaults on guards. "Is everybody that's putting out a YouTube video from down there a journalist down there, too?" he asked.

Maybe, maybe not. But there's no doubt that Goodman is, and that she was practicing her craft on the ground that day. This is an assault on the First Amendment occurring in broad daylight. Where the hell is the elite political press on this one? We see endless and disgusting video of what happens to the traveling press at Donald Trump's rallies, and that's bad enough. But why wasn't every network in North Dakota there on Monday to cover the legal proceedings and (with any luck) to make Ladd Erickson look like an authoritarian goober for a national audience?

Now, onto The Sunday Showz. And let me make a modest suggestion to the people who book the guests for such productions. Give up on the Republican campaign for president. Seriously, there isn't a single surrogate for El Caudillo del Mar-A-Lago who won't drop the collective IQ of your program by 20 points and who won't turn even the most sedate interview into an exercise in Bedlam. And it's not even the Kaleigh/AJ/Kellyanne/Scottie Nell Axis Of Stupid, either. It's the people who once were held, God knoweth why, in high esteem in the political life of this country.

For example, there's N. Leroy Gingrich, Definer of civilization's rules and Leader (perhaps) of the civilizing forces. He long ago departed this earthly realm on golden clouds of his own intellectual flatulence, but his shilling for Donald Trump has sent him spiraling off toward the Horsehead Nebula. He dropped by This Week With The Clinton Guy Shocked By Blowjobs, where old pal Martha Raddatz was ensconced in the big chair. He would like you to know that, despite being A Historian and a Leading Intellect, he also is a crazy person who hears Alex Jones through his fillings.

Well, I think they are the news media. This is not about election officials at the precinct level. This is about last Friday, when the networks spent 23 minutes on the Trump tape and less than one minute—all three networks combined—less than one minute on Hillary Clinton's secret speeches that were being revealed on WikiLeaks. And you look at that and you say—I mean, I think it's amazing that Trump is as close as he is right now, considering the one-sidedness of the news media barrage. And the best description of it is by Barry Casselman in his blog, where he said this is a coup d'etat. He said 14 million citizens and private ballots picked Donald Trump, 20 TV executives have decided to destroy him.

First of all, as all actual historians know, you can't have a "coup d'etat" against a candidate because there's no "etat" to coup against. Second, as all actual historians watching this interview undoubtedly shouted as one, "Who the fck is Barry Casselman?"

GINGRICH: No, the coverage continues because you want it to continue. The fact is, Trump did not set out to get 23 minutes against himself and less than a minute on—and I think that's a devastating number. Which came, by the way, from "The Hill". But here's my point, and I've said this publicly, there's a Big Trump and there's a Little Trump. The Big Trump is a historic figure. The Big Trump beat 16 other people for the nomination. The Big Trump is creating issues that make the establishment very uncomfortable. The Little Trump frankly gets out—is stupid. I mean, that comment just then is dumb. And I don't defend him when he wanders off; I've told him over and over. You know, presidents have to be disciplined, and in that sense Hillary is probably better trained to be president, just because she's the most corrupt person to ever get the nomination of a major party.

Actual Historians may recall precisely what appendage the late Mr. Presley used to call "Little Elvis." Given that, I think the evidence is absolutely clear that Gingrich is absolutely correct when he says that Little Trump is stupid and will get Big Trump in trouble. Big Trump never should let Little Trump do his thinking for him.

Moving along, we discover that Republican vice-presidential candidate and future dog-walker at Trump Tower Mike Pence dropped by Face The Nation, where John Dickerson, nobly holding down the seat once sat upon by onetime Hohenzollern art critic Bob Schieffer, asked him about all the trouble Little Trump has been causing this campaign.

PENCE: Obviously, history records that Bill Clinton didn't just talk about doing things, that he did them. It took a while to find all that out. He was under oath in 1998. And he finally came clean on having taken advantage of a 23-year-old intern at the White House named Monica Lewinsky, and in the most appalling behavior by an American president in the history of this country. Look, Donald Trump has made it very clear that he deeply regrets those words that he used 11 years ago, that they don't represent who he is, and that he has categorically denied these unsubstantiated allegations.

"The most appalling behavior by a president in the history of this country."

Meanwhile, over at broadcasting's Overlook Hotel, where my man Chuck Todd always has been the caretaker, we were treated to yet another visit from my man Chuck Todd's new BFF, Hugh Hewitt, who likely was signed aboard originally to provide The Conservative Perspective, but who now finds himself also pursued across the ideological landscape by the rampaging Little Trump. He took shelter in one of the most reliable rhetorical bunkers there is, one that was constructed in the 1990s by The Arkansas Project, LLC—that there is somewhere out there the one document that will prove conclusively that the Clintons looted the tombs of the Pharaohs.

HEWITT: If in fact Secretary Clinton's State Department directed aid to friends of Bill, that is criminal wrongdoing that will haunt her into her term if she wins, and you can't rule out Donald Trump because if the Russians drop, no matter its provenance, if they drop her private emails, that means she is compromised as a national security leader. Wait and see.

Little Trump has made them all crazy. Little Trump is the reason none of them are getting the Clinton auto-da-fé they've been searching for ever since America said quite clearly that it didn't care what Little Bill was up to, either. My man Chuck Todd summed it up:

TODD: Now Hugh, I did have a Clinton supporter admit to me, they said they won the primary, but they lost the campaign.

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