Mind Matters — Lost Boys

When I saw the newspaper photo of the young teen who was found to have guns in his
room and a plan in his head to pull off a Columbine copy of a school shooting
outside of Philly, I felt a wrenching wave of sadness. Another lost boy in the news.
No, my first inclination was not to punish him mercilessly.

I also felt great sadness for the young boy who made a huge mistake when he threw a
chunk of ice from an overpass onto a passing car. The woman driver was killed and
this boy was crucified (fortunately, we still have enough justice for that not to
have literally happened). (Meanwhile drunk drivers causing fatalities and who should
be held far more responsible for their actions often get far less punishment and
definitely less harsh community reaction than that child incurred.)

Of course, the victims of offenses committed by young boys suffer tragically. But in
these cases the tragedy lies not only with the victims but also with the child
perpetrators. When these incidents occur, it’s easy for us to identify with the
victims and acknowledge their tragedy. But the tragedy of our lost boys is lost upon
us.

However, there are knowledgeable and compassionate voices among us who can direct us
to a better understanding of our boys. One such guide is psychologist James
Garbarino, Ph.D.

Garbarino gives us a solid study of why boys in our culture get violent, and he
offers ideas of what we can do about it. His book, Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn
Violent and How We Can Save Them, is not a reflexive “Let’s build more
prisons” diatribe but a thoughtful explication of the various factors that collide
to create the violent scenarios that occur: difficult family situations, lack of
bonding and attachment to a nurturing caregiver early on, having been shamed through
childhood, being some examples. But Garbarino also points to society as influential.

I recently attended a safe schools summit where administrators and local police and
school personnel discussed what emergency measures would be implemented in the event
of, for example, a school shooting. As much as we need such planning of emergency
response protocols, we need even more to learn how to prevent these events in the
first place.

Garbarino’s guide to changing the violent course of America’s lost boys puts the onus
on all of us. Our societal response needs to be more than disaster preparedness.
Living in society does mean that we have a connection to each other. The common good
is diminished when something is awry with its individuals, especially, its children.
Even individualistically oriented Americans need to consider this fact!

Garbarino notes that one of the core principles anchoring a healthy society is the
need for affirmation and respect of all its members—again, especially of its
children. Children who can develop in an environment where they feel connected and
not alienated and discriminated against are not likely to turn to violence.

The prevention of violence is possible, but it includes some unpopular notions. We
rugged individualists don’t like taxes for health and education, but do like our
access to guns. Garbarino’s research would have our priorities the other way around.

We do need health insurance for children (for one, so that brain development is not
compromised even pre-natally). We do need parenting and home visit programs to
educate those who would benefit by that. We do need to reconsider gun control
measures. We do need to look at the pervasive violence that our society condones.

Change is never easy—and change of attitude or perspective? Very difficult. But I
agree with Garbarino that to make a safer society, we need to see what we need to do
as a culture and community to save our lost boys. They may be the canaries in the
mine.