Wednesday, February 27, 2013

[Photographer snaps photograph of Eliot Spitzer, Eliot Spitzer's Dad and Eliot Spitzer's Mom. Photographer walks away]Eliot Spitzer's Mom: Eliot, our picture's gonna be in the Boca Beat section of the Miami Herald!Eliot Spitzer: Wow, little old me?! In the Boca Beat?! What an honor!Eliot Spitzer's Mom: No need for sarcasm, El. I think it's nice to get our picture in the paper, that's allEliot Spitzer: Sorry, it's just I was supposed to be the first Jewish President - and now...Eliot Spitzer's Mom: You can still be the first Jewish President... of the Boca Grande Condo Association[Eliot Spitzer gives his Mom a death stare]Eliot Spitzer's Mom: What? It's very prestigious - they just created the BGCA by merging Boca Laguna and Grande Playa so it's an open election.Eliot Spitzer's Dad: But you're gonna need a strong campaign El. I hear Irv Rosenthal - the over-80 shuffleboard champion of Southern Florida - is running. High name recognition!Eliot Spitzer [muttering]: Well, I'm gonna take a shot of cyanideEliot Spitzer's Mom: Speak up, El! I can't hear you what'd you say?!Eliot Spitzer: I SAID I'VE GOT A SLATE ARTICLE TO WRITE

Saturday, February 02, 2013

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: Now Thomas, you've got to do your homework before you play any video gamesSon: And you've got to think before you say stupid shit like thatOld-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: Thomas James McArthur! You don't talk to your mother that way!Son: Well I guess you're not paying attention because I just did, you dumb slutOld-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: That's it - I'm washin' your mouth out with cilantro!Son: Nooooo! Anything but that!Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: It's the only way we're gonna clean that filthy mouth of yours![Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap grabs a bunch of cilantro and shoves it in her Son's mouth]Son: Arghh - how - bleh! does anyone - yuch - voluntarily use this as a garnish -- mehh - on their tacos?!?!

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave: I'm sorry man - but you're gonna be fine. IT'S NON-TOXIC!Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled On Him: ARE YOU SURE? It feels kinda WEIRD ON MY SKIN?Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave (to her boyfriend): Derek, the glow shit - it's NON-TOXIC, RIGHT?![Derek the Boyfriend kind of nods but is really so fucked up on Molly he's just in his own world, dancing]Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave: Yeah - he says it's NON-TOXIC TOO! OK I gotta go see my friend near the stage. WOOOOO![Girl Who just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit on a Dude at a Rave pumps her fist]Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled On Him: WOOOOO![Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled on Him pumps fist]Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave's INNER MONOLOGUE: I don't believe that non-toxic bullshit for a minute - that guy's gonna turn into a fucking mutant. Probably disfigured for life. Whatever, Deadmau5 is absolutely CRUSHING this set!!!