The Rants & Rambles of A Grumpy Old Dude

Father Murphy

The Fundraising Problems Of Father Murphy

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. He asked for suggestions about how to raise money for his church. He was told that racehorses made money for their owners, so he went to a horse auction, but he made a very poor buy. The horse he bought turned out to be a “Donkey.”

However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the headline in the paper read,

“Father Murphy’s Ass Shows”

The Archbishop saw the paper, and was displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first, and the headline read,

“Father Murphy’s Ass Out In Front.”

The Archbishop was up in arms, and figured something had to be done. Father Murphy had entered the donkey in a third race, and it came in second. Now the headline read,

“Father Murphy’s Ass Back In Place.”

The Archbishop thought that this was too much, so he forbade the priest to enter the donkey in any more races, which inspired the editor to write,

“Archbishop Scratches Father Murphy’s Ass.”

When the Archbishop read this, he ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. Now the headlines read,

“Nun Owns Best Ass In Town.”

The Archbishop read this and immediately ordered Sister Agatha to dispose of the animal. She managed to sell it for $10.00. The next day, the headline read,

“Sister Agatha Peddles Her Ass For $10.”

They buried the Archbishop three days later.

Royal Babysitters

Once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away in a distant country, lived a great and powerful ruler, named a Shah. He lived on a gloriously beautiful palace with his beloved wife, who was the Shahnee, and his only child, a handsome boy, known as the Shan.

The Shah loved his little son very much, and tried to protect him as much as possible. The Shan was subject to small fits, or seizures, and had been known to fall down and hurt himself. So the Shah hired two strong, alert, intelligent guards to go with the Shan wherever he went, to protect him from all dangers, and to be there when the Shan had an attack, to keep him from falling and hurting himself.

One day though, a minor catastrophe occurred. The Shan, now approaching manhood, had become interested in pretty girls, and went to a club, to watch the dancers, and talk to them. While he was engaged in conversation, the two guards became distracted by a couple of pieces of feminine pulchritude, and were not near when the Shan had an attack, and fell down a short flight of stairs, breaking his arm.

After leaving his son with the doctor, the Shah called the two guards, to question them as to where they had been at the time of the accident, and why they had not prevented the Shan’s fall and injury, as they should have. He ranted and raved, and yelled at them, and threatened them with dire punishments, and finally screamed at them, “Just where were you, when the fit hit the Shan??!”

Smart Feller

The vain person is one who loves the smell of his own farts.

The amiable person is one who loves the smell of other people’s farts.

The proud person thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

The shy person releases silent farts, and then blushes.

The impudent person boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The scientific person is one who farts regularly, but is concerned about pollution.

The honest person admits he has farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The dishonest person is one who farts, and then blames the dog.

The foolish person suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The thrifty person always has several farts in reserve.

The anti-social person excuses himself, and farts in complete privacy.

The strategic person conceals his farts with loud laughter.

The sadistic person farts in bed, and then pulls the covers over his bedmate.

The intellectual person can determine from the smell of his neighbor’s farts, precisely the latest food consumed.

The athletic person farts at the slightest exertion.

The miserable person would truly love to, but can’t fart at all.

The sensitive person is one who farts, and then starts crying.

Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg?

A newly hatched chick asked his mother, “Am I people?” No, you are chicken! Do chickens come from people? No, chickens come from eggs. Do people come from eggs? No, people are born. Are eggs born? No, eggs are laid. Are people ever laid? Some are; others are chicken!! 😕

“Life eats life eats life eats life …. this is very necessary. Compassion is thusly limited in scope and becomes relativistic when we step away from nature’s cruelty and harshness. ”

In Hindu culture we have a saying, “one living being is food for another”. That hasn’t stopped us however from developing entire philosophies around the concept of ahimsa, or non-violence towards all beings.

Personally, I have thirty years experience in being a twelve year-old boy. It might interest those interested in fart jokes that the practice of letting one rip and pulling the covers over the bedmate is called a ‘Dutch Oven’. Used as a verb it’s ‘Dutch Ovening’.
I’m disturbed that there’s a slang term for the event, I’m even more disturbed that I know what the slang term is. 😮