It started out as a regular dream. I was laying down on a wooden floor in front of a fireplace, incredibly tired and just wanted to sleep. My “parents” were there sitting on the couch. “Parents” is in quotes because they weren’t my actual parents in real life, but in my dream these strangers were most definitely my parents. We just moved into a new house and I had my own bedroom, but I fell asleep on the floor in the living room because my bedroom felt lonely and didn’t feel like “home” to me.

Parents – “Why don’t you sleep in your room?”

Me – “I’m too tired…..I don’t want to……”

And I was incredibly tired and half asleep. The wood floor felt hard, but warm in front of the fireplace and I was comfortable and felt safe.

My “dad” picked me up and placed me on the couch.

This feels like it actually happened, in a past life or something.

And then I woke up at a retreat center for video gamers. People who wanted to get away and play video games all day, but the games they had were old and sucked. Paperboy was one of them, a nintendo game from the 1980’s.

I sat on the floor with two of my friends, two boys and a girl with punkish pink hair. One of the boys said that if I was a soda flavor, I wouldn’t taste good. That’s when I became lucid and realized what he said didn’t make any sense.

Me – “I wouldn’t taste good if I was soda?”

Him – “No way.” And he started laughing.

The 3 young people seemed extremely familiar to me, like I knew them personally from other dreams. I was completely lucid but felt like I met these three over and over again, and also been to that same video game retreat center repeatedly.

Me – “I know you! You were in other dreams I had. Do you remember me?”

They all shook their heads. “We don’t know you.”

They got up to leave, visibly miffed by my comment.

The girl – “We never dreamt of you dude.”

I was irritated and confused. Confused that those people and that place seemed so familiar. I stood up and said, “look! This is a dream!” And started flying around the room. I learned how to fly from previous lucid dreams and it’s not as easy as it sounds. It’s pure will power.

Then I flew out of the building and was surrounded by darkness. Not evil, just cloudy and I was losing lucidity.

Me – “This dream sucks, I better wake myself up or I’ll never get any rest.”

I opened my “eyes” and was outside my house in my backyard.

I specifically remember opening my eyes, it’s such a strange experience when this happens. It’s the second time this happened, when I think I’m opening my real eyes only to open my celestial eyes. I was out of body. I could feel the dampness in the air, the wind on my face. I looked down and saw a holographic computer screen hovering in front of me. It was long and rectangular. So bright. All around me was dark, because of night. But the screen was so bright. I blinked a few times just to be sure of what I was looking at. A perfect rectangle of light surrounded by the dead of night.

“Well, this is new.”

Yep definitely a computer screen. It had images on it, but I couldn’t comprehend any of it or see it clearly. I was too much in awe, or in shock to understand it.

Then I realized that I was “holding” the screen in-between my hands. Like it was such a natural and intuitive impulse, to put my hands out as if I were to clap really loud, but instead, conjure up an astral computer screen. If I narrowed or widened the length in-between my hands, the screen would stretch or narrow.

“Whoa.”

This all happened moments after opening my celestial eyes and then I heard a voice.

Voice – “Michael.”

Then a pause.

Me thinking – “Well, that’s new too. I never heard a voice before. Maybe I’m being called on a mission?”

I looked down at the computer screen thinking it would give me instruction. Is Michael in trouble and I have to save him?

Then the voice started talking again, clearly as plain as day. That’s when I realized it wasn’t a voice from a spirit guide, but my audiobook! I could hear it so vividly. I can’t hear anything while I’m having a regular dream, or a lucid dream. My auditory senses get cut-off completely but while out of body, I can hear everything clear as day.

Me – “Huh, interesting.”

Not that that little bit of info will ever apply to me in waking life, but yeah. While having an out of body experience, you can hear everything going on around your sleeping body.

I was let down because I really thought I was being called out on my first mission to save somebody. I was amped up for it and ready to go, but no. The audiobook ended up bringing me back to my bedroom in my body and the experience was over.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. That I’m completely off my rocker. Something is seriously wrong with my brain. But I swear I’m as normal as they come other than fear of commitment.

The girl I fired the other day, she has serious mental problems. She twitches, squints her eyes quickly, talks loud and is argumentative, defensive. Can you get a visual of the type I’m talking about? Or is she too rare of a breed to be like any other?

Anyway, she’s the only person I know who has legitimate mental issues and so I asked her a few weeks ago if she ever had a lucid dream. I wanted to know if there’s a correlation between emotional imbalances and fucked up dream experiences.

Her – “I dream of my teeth falling out all the time, it’s sort of like a lucid dream.”

Me – “Have you ever had auditory hallucinations? Do you hear things when you fall asleep that aren’t there?”

I forgot what she said (this happened weeks ago), but the answer was no. At least, not comparable to what I’ve experienced.

Me – “Have you ever had an out of body experience?”

Her – “Not that I know of.”

She’s the craziest person I know, but she hasn’t experienced what I have.

My blog is getting full of this shit. I’m almost to the point of being embarrassed by it. No no, I AM at the point of being embarrassed by it. I don’t talk about it to anyone outside my blog. And I’m the type who NEVER gets embarrassed. Or at least, I’m not easily. That’s why I dance and sing the way I do. But this…..this embarrasses me.

And I can’t stop this crazy new notion that I have. This idea, becoming solidified into an actual belief, that my thoughts impact EVERYTHING.

I’ve written about it before – loads in fact. That thoughts have a profound impact on reality. But it was only thoughts and idea’s, nothing substantial.

I have no clients today. It’s wonderful. And I want to write about this so bad, all this garbage inside my head – where do I start? But I also hate writing long rambling posts. Posts where I transfix and lose my rationality. Those posts embarrass me more than anything, more than my out of body experiences.

I’ve experienced, several times now, that we are the universe. I hit that high point of moksha, the point where you understand everything – I hit it a few times while ingesting powerful psychedelics, and once from simple meditation before falling asleep.

When I was a high schooler, keeping a journal, I made it my mission to find out exactly who I am. I peeled layer after layer, but it was like an onion. I found no pit at the center.

Me thinking – “Maybe if I’m as honest as I possibly can be, than I can know myself?”

So I wrote as honestly and as candidly as I could muster and realized my true self can only be found in my intentions, and digging even deeper, intentions can be found in desires. I came to the conclusion that there is no “me”, only what I desire.

I learned about buddhism soon after that. I learned that buddhism teaches you how to let go of desire.

Me – “Than there wouldn’t be any “me” left!”

I understood this, and didn’t understand it at the same time. I understood the impossibility of it.

Me – “If I desire not having desires, I hit a brick wall.”

It has to happen by accident, just like anything in life. You have to let it go before it actually comes to you. Ayahuasca kept repeating this over and over to me.

But why? How?

Without desire, we learn that we are in fact, the universe. Without the “me” that separates us from it (our one true veil), we’re able to see reality and not delusion.

I read an article about a man who thought he was going to die. He was at war, his shelter was about to get bombed. He accepted death and in doing so, experienced moksha. He saw his life flash before his eyes and with complete clarity, seen how and why he ended up at there at that exact point. All his doing, all his choice, subconsciously his making. He experienced himself as the universe – he unknowingly directed his path.

Desiring life is the biggest desire we can not overcome, no matter how suicidal. The only way out of it is through acceptance, just as that man did when he accepted death.

We desire because we fear and our only one fear is that of death, all other fears stem from it. We stop desiring when we stop being afraid to die.

Suicidal people have always fascinated me. Any of us are free to kill ourselves anytime we want, no big deal. Just opt out of this life. You’ll be forgotten just like 99.99% of everyone else who ever lived, so why should it matter? So if it doesn’t matter, why not live? I mean, since we’re all going to die at some point anyway, why not ride it out to see what happens?

When I look at it from this view, suicide seems irrational, illogical. It seems silly like a child throwing a tantrum. I’ve always viewed it like this and I think that’s why I don’t take anything seriously because, well, who the fuck cares, right? What does it matter? I mean really.

Suicidal people have trouble accepting things. When they try to control, fix, or change something, they only get themselves in deeper. It’s karma. When doing things out of fear, you dig yourself deeper. Just like what happened with my business.

If we believe we can fix something, there wouldn’t be any fear of it. We just do it and that’s that. It’s a test, like Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey. How far can you push yourself? How much do you believe in yourself? How far are you willing to go?

Finding your story is incredibly cathartic, I’ll save that for another post. We should all know our story.

Anyway, where was I?

When I was just learning about this, I may have still been in high school, I don’t remember, but I thought if I purified my desires, I can be a good person. If I kept my intentions at a healthy level of care and respect for others, I’ll be okay in life. But then I dug deeper. Why do I want to be good? To be better than everyone else? To obtain admiration?

It’s like organized religion. Finding a way to one-up the next guy as a show of being more “tolerant” or more “forgiving” than any other organized belief system. And it’s not even a belief system, not really. People of organized religion don’t believe in god, they have faith in him and imo, faith ain’t worth shit. That’s why I love the Jews. They’re instructed to actually believe.

My saintly decision to be “good” was a sterile systematic approach to place myself higher than everyone else. Like my shit don’t stink. I was playing to the tune of my own organized religion.

That’s when I decided I had enough. I stopped digging. It was fruitless. I hit a brick wall because of the impossibility of always having sheisty ulterior motives. I couldn’t get over myself and my need to be the best, my need to control everything simply because I am the best/better than my counterparts.

Because as long as I was the best, I could control my level of fear. I was emotionally stable because I was able to control my fear level and I did it through thinking that I was the best around.

***********************

It’s now the next day. I had to end that post because I got a call from work telling me I had a client scheduled at 1:00 and it was already 1:10. I stripped off my sweaty PJ’s, flung on pants and shirt and literally, I was there at work in 6 minutes flat.

Me – “I didn’t know I had a client.”

Employee – “She booked it this morning and I forgot to tell you.”

Me -“I’m still wearing yesterday’s underwear.”

Employee starts laughing.

My client, when she was laying on the massage table – “Do you do reiki?”

Me – “I don’t, I’m not much of a follower in it but I know a woman who does it. She comes here and takes clients. It’s the same price as a massage.”

Client – “That’s strange because I sense you’re more than a massage therapist. There’s something about you.”

I swear to god, I’m not making this shit up. She actually said that.

Me – “I’m a believer in other things. I kind of suffer from out of body experiences.”

Client – “Me too! This sounds weird but once I thought I was flying down a worm tunnel.”

Me – “Oh yeah, I went down a few of those too.”

Before I went in to massage her, I was feeling nuts. I needed to feel normal again by talking to someone with similar experiences and guess what happened? 6 minutes later, I was massaging a lady who didn’t think I was crazy.

This is just one small example of how my thoughts been effecting things lately.

A few weeks ago, the toilet at work exploded. Well, it didn’t explode, but the tank cracked right down the center and it happened at night when nobody was there. So the damn thing was running for probably 8 hours before my employee walked in and seen the mess. There was about 2 inches of water on the bathroom floor and it leaked into one of the massage rooms completely soaking it thru and thru.

I was at the eye doctor when this happened, sitting in the waiting room waiting to get called in.

Employee – “It’s flooded in here! It’s a complete flood!”

I asked her to take pictures and send them to me, I asked if it smelled, if she can turn off the valve…etc. I kept my shit together and called my Dad. He just so happens to have a wet-vac. We got everything cleaned up and next thing I knew, I was staring down the bowl of a brand new toilet. I was praying for a new toilet! The old one was stained and gross.

Me thinking – “I kind of want this thing to break. How the hell can a toilet break though?”

If it broke, it would come out of my landlords pocket. Not mine.

And that’s just what happened. The day before the explosion, I scrubbed it clean and dropped one of those blue 1000 flushes in the tank wishing the damn thing would bust because it still looked dirty.

My esthetician, I prayed she’d get another job and last month she did just that. Now she’s only here one day a week, if that. But that’s hardly considered anything special since it was bound to happen.

I wished one of my therapists to work more so I wouldn’t have to rely on crazy Cara, and lo’ and behold…..

I wished Cara gave me a good reason to fire her, and she did. She bitched out two of my employee’s before I fired her, which I didn’t even know about until yesterday.

I feel like if I don’t “need” something, if I don’t have a sticky attachment to whatever it is I’m griping about and instead just ride it out and soldier on, shit unfurls on its own. But it’s happening expeditiously as of late.

I wrote my master plan, remember? The one I took a picture of and posted? Yeah well, part of the plan was to hire another therapist by October to help with those upgraded couples massages I want to sell again. But it’s hard finding decent therapists to work as independent contractors. Anyway, one of my IC’s is friends with an outstanding therapist who’s looking to move here and find a new job, can you guess which month? October. She’s going to start working here in October. Just as I planned!

I can go on and on with this stuff…..the more I think about it, the more coincidences I can write about. But I’ll stop here.

I just binge watched Orange is the New Black. I watched 7 episodes all in one sitting, but I started watching it at 9:30 at night. You can imagine what time it is now. But it doesn’t matter. In a few days I’ll be suffering from jet-lag. I’m going to the forest festival in Anchorage to celebrate the fourth of July. I leave on Wednesday and today is Monday morning. Well, more like I leave tomorrow night, really really late tomorrow night.

I’m bringing my laptop, screw it.

Damn, what else did I want to write?

In my video game, The Witcher 3, there’s an old man sitting on the side of a trodden path that says, “Where’s your road wend?”

Damn, I want to write more about attachment and desire. If I don’t write about it now, I’ll forget. But I’m so freaking tired!

I’ll just write real quick that no, you can’t let go of all desire. Not unless you devote your life to meditation or do psychedelics until moksha pours itself in to cement. According to ayahuasca, it’s impossible to maintain this state for long.

But……you can let go of the things you can. Even just a little bit of it, let it go. And keep letting more go bit by bit.

Desire is not attachment, they come and go like cravings. Attachment is when things get sticky. The stuff that defines you and can’t live without.

Bit by bit, I’ve stripped myself of all fear about losing my business. It’s not going to happen, not ever. And that’s that. And if it does, I start anew. A tiring long road? Possibly yes. But it’s more tiring living in fear than it is to keep getting back up.

This is a state of mind that I trained for, it doesn’t come naturally or easy. Severe worry and anxiety can break you into it.