Principles for Relationships from God's Word by Claudio Consuegra

Personality and relationships – 1

“There are those who rebel against the light; They do not know its ways Nor abide in its paths. Job 24:13 (NKJV)

Does it ever feel like you and your spouse are just wired differently? According to Gretchen Rubin,[i] most likely you are. As Rubin explains, “Any combination of personalities has the potential to be happy couple, but it lessens the feeling of conflict when you know your partner’s tendencies. Rubin categorizes people into four different personality types based on how each of us responds to expectations, or requests, made of us. She refers to these responses as the Four Tendencies. Her point is that when we know our own tendencies it will help us know our strengths and weaknesses. She writes, “The people who are most successful and the happiest are the ones who’ve figured out, whether consciously or unconsciously, how to counterbalance the limitations of their tendency.”

What are the Four Tendencies? Rubin classifies people into the following four groups:

Obligers. These people are fantastic at meeting other’s expectations — their friends, loved ones, co-workers, etc. — but not as good at meeting their own inner expectations. They get things done because they know that other people are depending on them. Rubin declares that most people are Obligers.

Questioners. As opposed to Obligers, these people resist outer expectations until they are sure those expectations are valuable, worthy or fair. They tend to take their time to make decisions because they’re carefully doing their research and calculating the pros and cons of everything. Rubin believes that Questioners do well with inner expectations.

Upholders. If you’re checking things off a to-do list every day, chances are you’re an Upholder. You probably tend to meet both outer and inner expectations such as deadlines and appointments?

Rebels. They tend to be the smallest group in the framework, and are described as those who tend to resist both outer and inner expectations; no one else can tell them what to do.