Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Characters of my Blogworld: Episode 1.14

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."-Robert Frost

If you're a new reader to Assistant/Atlas, or even one of the half-dozen of 'longtime' readers, then you'll definitely want to read this post. I've decided that if I'm going to be writing about my little corner of the world, then I've got to let you know who everyone is in it. So imagine the following as the opening credits-- hopefully in a cool, Digital Kitchen-made format [Digital Kitchen is a Seattle-based company that's behind many of the coolest opening credits on TV, like Nip/Tuck and Desperate Housewives].

The Straight Man/Hero: Your faithful Assistant/Atlas. I'd be played by Seann William Scott or Chad Michael Murray-- or any other hot blond actor with a three-part name.

Maggie, The Best Friend: In my world of work, this position would have to go to our steadfast, if slightly nutty, receptionist, to whom I will give the pseudonym Maggie. Maggie would be played by Joan Cusack, who would put on some weight for the role. Maggie, having worked in our office longer than anyone, is the only one besides myself who knows the truth about Sloane.

Sloane, The Clueless Boss: I thought long and hard about the adjective I'd use to describe my boss, and went with the relatively kind 'clueless'. 'Evil', 'moronic', 'devil-worshipping', 'inept', and 'batsh*t crazy' would also be appropriate. I'm pseudo-naming my boss Sloane, which all of you Alias fans out there will recognize as the name of Sydney Bristow's boss/nemesis. He would be played by Ron Rifkin, who plays Sloane on Alias, although I think he looks more like Victor Garber after a few whacks with an ugly stick.

Bubbles, The Comic Relief Intern: Taken from the Brit hit AbFab, 'Bubbles' is oddly similar to the Bubbles on that show-- the uber-clueless assistant of Edina. Our Bubbles is actually a brunette, might be sleeping with Sloane, and has a weird penchant for knee-high boots. Other than that, she is a source of amusement for us all. She would be played by Taryn Manning gone ditzy.

Derrick, The Handsome Courier: A fairly minor character in my world, but since he appears in the office nearly every day, and both Maggie and Bubbles have an almost obscene erotic desire for him, he makes the character list. Since we probably couldn't get Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom to play such a bit part, he'll be played by Casper Van Dien, who obviously needs the work.

So that's my office. Essentially, it's just the four of us, with the occasional appearance of Derrick. Obviously, with fully 25% of the staff being evil and at least 50% of it totally clueless, you can perhaps understand why I started this blog.