A piece from here a piece from there. I pull the parts together where, the facts I've found and those still gone are segments searched and sought so long. Together joined and linked I find, small questions answered in my mind. Assembling self and as I go, not really half, but never whole.

Assembling Self

Saturday, May 15, 2010

So Many Years

So many years left in the dark struggling against the raging tide.
Disputing what they say to me the hope that they deny.
I'm told to go about my way and forget what I could know.
The answers hide within sealed files the lies they tell just grow.
Go away they say and carry on but life is not the same.
The stranger staring from the mirror what used to be her name?
Where do I get these emotions that run so deep inside?
And why the facts about my life do they feel they have to hide?
What is the fear that lurks below the surface that I see?
The truth that we are asking for why can't they let it be?
And understand that they don't have the right to keep from me,
the names of those who gave me life and seal my destiny.
Would you not find that just like us you search faces in the crowds?
So many times I want to shout "Where are you now" out loud.
Attempt to fit the pieces to a puzzle missing parts.
The links gone are most important.
They're the ones that fulfill our hearts.
I can't believe that they insist that we can live this way.
Like an albatross it hangs about our necks most every day.
As mariners who are lost at sea we search for clues and signs.
To questions that will be forever asked until the end of time.

I've put if off long enough and I feel strong enough to tackle contacting the courts to do another request for information from my birth father. He did not admit to being my birth father in 2003 but he did not deny it either. And, although stating he understood my need for updated medical information for myself and my children, he claimed everyone was healthy. I don't believe that at all what I believe is that it was an attempt to just get me to go away. Well, I guess he doesn't realize somewhere I inherited the stubborn gene. My stomach feels sick thinking about it but I know it has to be done. With further medical problems in the last five years I have the right to my medical history! Who knows in 7 years perhaps his attitude has changed. Perhaps not and for that I am prepared, as well as anyone can, in being denied by your own blood relatives.

Von yes this is my fourth petition first three were denied twice by my birth mother, once by my birth father. My birth mother sent me a letter, a non-id one, saying I had the right to know about myself but I guess she thinks one 8 page letter will suffice no names, photos, and not being able to know my siblings. But it's not and it will never be enough.