I’m Sorry

I’m writing from my phone so no featured picture, no links, and I apologize in advance for any typos.

It’s been a few days, and I’m still trying to process the turn of events. I won’t say “new” turn of events, because honestly, it should’ve been expected. The signs were all there, but many of us, the expert pollsters included, ignored it.

To say I haven’t struggled would be a lie. To say I’m not still struggling would be a bigger lie, and I’ve told myself enough lies prior to Tuesday night. I am truly frightened, and reading the numerous accounts on social media does not allay my fears. Whatever happens in the coming months cannot erase this, regardless what our new leaders do even if they do well or not as bad as feared. The psychological damage is devastating, and the despair is as deep as I’ve ever gone. This has broken me.

I appreciate beyond what I can say all the messages, tweets, and comments you’ve sent me. I’m sorry I haven’t answered. I have a huge backlog of those and your posts to go through. I haven’t done any blogging, writing, editing, reading, or gaming since the results. All of my pursuits have pretty much come to a standstill. I’ll try to address what I’m going to attempt I do. Hopefully by saying this, it will prompt me to push past my hopelessness and establish some normalcy again.

The State of the Reader – I will try to update the Reader from Wednesday. It’s in my drafts since I add to it every day.

FF Tarot – since this is tonight I should be able to keep on schedule.

Comments and Posts – as stated above I’ll be slowly going through them all your blogs are so important to me, and I receive an email when you post so I don’t miss anything. You’ve all been so supportive and awesome, and I feel awful when I don’t have the energy to read your lovely posts. It might take a bit, but I go through from oldest to newest so you may see likes/comments on older posts.

The Broken Rose – …this is hard. I want to continue editing and posting this, but it is hard to edit a story about sexual assault and how that should be treated when an individual who has done it numerous times has not only never been called to task for it, but has been rewarded time and time again, this final with the running of our country. I don’t have words for how much this hurts. I don’t know how to express how invalid I feel. I can’t explain how knowing your worth as a person means nothing to the systems in place. I’m happy I don’t have a daughter. I don’t know what I would say. Sometimes the bad guys win? As true as that is, it’s still hollow and doesn’t encompass how wrong and shameful the situation. This has told sexual predators that their actions are acceptable even more than a thousand Brock Turners. He was at least convicted.

Writing The Broken Rose in our broken time was hard because as terrible as the things I wrote were, someone is living that today, but it was also incredibly powerful because I was able to shape a reality that benefited the victim. What kept me going was our world as a whole seemed like it was moving in the right direction. While rapists weren’t typically punished, there was still vehement outcry and castigation towards their reprehensible behavior. Now, their legions have received a major boost, and while fantasy may force use to suspend out disbelief in the magical, I did not want this to apply to decency.

I will try to continue editing. A few people have told me that now is the time when stories such as this are needed the most. That this could be my own small dissension against depravity. My doubts as someone of significance stymie this thought though along with my knowledge of fanfiction stigma. I’m no one of consequence writing a story that many will see as being of no value due to what it is, a cruel reflection of how I feel today. No one will discuss this in classrooms. There will be no dissertations or lectures about the content. What does it matter? I attempt to keep the rallying cry of “If this reaches just one person, then it’s not a waste of time.” If a victim reads this, takes in what I’m trying to express, and they realize how they should be treated even if they aren’t, then that’s a small but significant step. I’ll continue as best I can, trying to fight the demons of despair and invalidity for that reason alone.

“We all have grief. We all carry despair, but these things are not all we are.”

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30 thoughts on “I’m Sorry”

I can’t express enough how much your voice matters. I hope in the coming days that you can find it in you to keep moving forward, as difficult as it feels. I haven’t had a chance to read The Broken Rose yet, but I think I can echo your own thoughts and say that your words are incredibly important here, especially in a time where so many people feel that any last semblance of security and comfort in a system of justice for victims of sexual assault has gone away. It’s times like these that stir up turmoil and grief, but maybe something good can come out of those feelings. Grieving is growing, in a way. Please know that if you ever need to talk, I’m only a DM away on Twitter.

Thank you so much! I’m better now, and thanks for reminding me about Twitter. I forget that you can send messages on there, and I should remember because Cheap Boss Attack and Mr. Panda shot me ones over the past few days.

Either way, your friendship (and the friendship of all of my blogger peeps) means the world to me ♥

Hugs. ❤ It is utterly heart breaking. So many mixed feelings: grief, anger, fear to name a few. So many of us understand and feel the pain you are feeling right now. I have hope that this pain we are all feeling can at least give us the strength to continue to fight for the rights of not only ourselves but for others as well. We are all in this together and we need one another. I've shed tears several times since they first started tallying the votes and I'm sure I will continue to do so. Those tears and the pain that caused them are reminders of how much we as people care about our country and all of the people in it. Passion is one of the best tools we have to encourage and fight for change. You are absolutely right about how if we can even reach just one person out there that it can make such a difference. I couldn't agree more.

Like if I let myself think about all the aspects of suck it is, it’s truly overwhelming. I *may* write a post about all of them at some point when I get my bearings together or I may just note them down for my own usage.

I’m better now and very determined to continue editing and posting The Broken Rose since stories like that are really needed now, and even though it won’t reach a huge/mainstream audience, it could still reach someone who needs it.

Glad to hear it! 😀 It’s totally understandable to feel overwhelmed by all of this. It is definitely a lot to cope with and worry over. I’m glad to hear you’re determined to keep writing/editing. 🙂 I think it is a great idea to write out your concerns right now. Even if you just write it out to get it out. One of the best things about writing is how therapeutic it can be. And if you can reach out to others with it, even better.

Don’t worry about us, the internet isn’t going anywhere anytime soon 🙂 Take care of yourself, and you know my email address if you need to vent about anything troubling you. I consider you a good internet friend, and I will always look out for anyone I consider a friend.

The harsh reality is that our world will always be filled with darkness, but we can’t let it decay our light. We are powerless to vanquish all of the evil rampaging against humanity, but we can always do good for the people we are blessed to have in our lives. Every small act of kindness steals away a drop of evil’s corrupt power.

I’m better now and I’m definitely going to continue working on The Broken Rose and other narratives about assault. I think it’s now more important than ever. Thanks so much for just being there and supportive ♥

Always know that we’ve got you whenever we need you. Over the past eleven months, I couldn’t be more grateful to have become part of such a fantastic community consisting of people like you, Mr. Panda, pine717, Red Metal, hungrygoriya, Rob, Ellen, and benez.

Thank you so much! I’m better and the support of friends and just people letting me vent/get it out has been amazing and cathartic. I also realize I’m not remotely alone in this sentiment, if social media is any indication. The same story seems to be playing out all over the country. Right now I’m playing massive catch up because two days of no productivity, well…my email box hasn’t been this full in quite a long time :O

Your posts are an important part of my weekly reading and I look forward to having that back in the rotation, but mental health is more important and we’re not going anywhere. Take time for you, find something to stand up and fight for, and if there’s anything I can help with, you know where I’m at. Your comment section community is understanding =)

Thanks so much! You and everyone here are so amazing. I’m better now. I played some WOFF, updated my Saturday post, and now I’m going through the enormous backlog of email notifications. Thank God WP has that otherwise I’d miss a lot of blog posts, and life would be waaaaay less interesting.

I am pretty much speechless and sorry for what has happened or for what is happening. as I said to all my online friends, i can always be a host for 6 weeks. 2 ppl comfortable, 4 when everyone would cuddle a bit XD and please keep on following your passion, ALWAYS!

I’m better now. Cynical, dry humor for the win hehe. That’s my next stage after going through a depressive/low state. I know it’s a coping mechanism, but it’s keeping me productive and not sleeping all day (and catching up on my massive backlog of emails and comments).

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. *hugs* You’re going through an awful time, and taking care of yourself is the highest priority. That isn’t selfish, that’s healthy, IMO.

You already know my thoughts on TBR and how important I think it is. At least you’ve been brave enough to share your voice. That counts for everything. But if you need a break, please take all the time you need. The last thing I want is for you to feel pressured right now.

I’m better now. There are always phases to these things and I’m now using pretty dry, cynical humor to get me by hehe. I’ve been amusing my husband greatly, which is a nice perk since he’s been extremely supportive these past few days. Honestly, I cannot imagine the couples who were on opposite sides. It’s…not even a political difference. It’s “hey I respect peoples’ humanity and you kind of don’t…” Such a mess.

I’m definitely continuing TBR because (and I think you said this in your email), it seems even more important to talk about those paradigms now.

I’m really glad you’re feeling a little better. *hugs* I’m definitely relying on some cynical humor, too, heh. And it makes me feel a bit better every time I see someone speaking up about being kind and inclusive.

We’re here for you. Like I said before, if you need anything, we’ll be here to support you. You’re not alone. Whether here on WordPress, on Twitter, or anywhere outside of the internet, we’re here with you.

Here’s something I wrote up for today that I wanted to share with you to encourage you:

You’re one of the kindest bloggers I have come across. You’re also a spectacular writer with excellent ideas and passion. Your Final Fantasy VII stories are truly remarkable. Please keep the drive going and keep being the special writer you are.

I really appreciate this! A lot of times when I come out the other side of the state I was in when I wrote this I feel really dumb for feeling like I did, but in all honesty it was necessary to go through and cathartic in a way. I have a bit of a cynical and dry sense of humor, which has come out in spades lately hehe. It’s a good way to deal with it, and I’ve also been thinking about what I can do to help/make things better, and I do so love making lists.

Dear incredibly awesome Narcissist, we haven’t been blog friends long but you’ve become incredibly important to me. It saddens me that you are broken but I understand entirely. There isn’t much I can say to make things better but just remember, there are still LEGIONS of us who will not let this bastard prevail. We are ready for this four year battle. We will not rest. Hate will not win. All my love, Cupcakes.

Thank you so much for putting up with my sadness. Now that I’ve sort of dealt with that (and let me tell you social media does NOT help), I’m trying to think about what I can do. I’ve been getting more ideas for stories about dystopia I’ll say that. It’s very true that the toughest times produces the most interesting art.

I also remember that only a quarter of the country voted for him. A QUARTER. Way to fuck it up *throws tantrum* but yeah, there are legions of people who aren’t going to put up with his bullshit, and me and my husband have a theory about this whole shit show that was randomly embellished on tumblr last night by someone with way more understanding of what I was talking about than me.