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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I have not posted in ages - a month and a half! Wow! I have been meaning to. Actually almost everyday I think "I'm going to make a post" and then I feel like everything I have to say is the same things I've been saying for nearly 9 months. I feel like I've been waiting for something new to write about it and today is that day.

Our new baby is arriving in approximately 2 months which means it's time to start actually planning for a new baby to come. With Noah I started planning/buying things right from the start. I was so excited I just couldn't wait. Although with this baby I don't need much since I already have everything, so I have been putting it off. It's just too hard to plan for a new baby when my last baby died. The hardest part is the nursery. We decided it would be best to change the nursery. We will keep the same room and the same furniture, but we have to change the decor. That is Noah's room and I feel like it's special to him. I can't have another baby in his exact same room. It's just too weird. We will use all his clothes and all his toys, but we made the decision to change the room. I was content with this decision because I could prolong it awhile and not have to think about it. However, now that time is here. It's being painted on Friday (thanks to a good friend who knows there is no way we could paint this room on our own). I'm starting to panic. When we refer to this room now, we will no longer call it "Noah's Room" We will start referring to it as the new baby's room. All the paint, bedding, curtains...all that will change. It will be an entirely different baby's room. I'm excited about the new room because I like re-doing rooms. I'm excited about the bright cheerful colors and about the new baby. However actually packing up Noah's things and having to do something with them is so incredibly hard. I had a friend help me organize all the clothes so they are now separated out by month and ready to for this baby to use. But for the past 9 months I have been throwing everything in this room. Anything we get pertaining to Noah - documents, paperwork, gifts, cards, etc...it all gets put in his room. Now I actually have to do something with all this stuff. It's like I'm packing away Noah's life. I'm taking his 11 months and packing it away to prepare for a new baby. His room will be different, his clothes and toys will be used by a new baby. There will be few things that will remain just Noah's. I've been dreading this point for so long. I found the bag of his clothes that he wore on his last day - all cut to shreds. I totally lost it. Imagining him that day - I shutter. I can't get the image out of my head. I feel like as time goes on the memories are getting more distant. He is getting further away. I just want to do everything I can to hold him close to me. But time makes us move forward and do things like change his room and pack up his things.

Missing that sweet little boy that would climb the stairs so fast and look back at you to make sure you were watching...and just laugh.