Yet More Crap Jokes
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A Load of Balls
Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers
returned from the Falkland Islands without being
decorated.
The captain called them into his office to explain.
"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he
said.
"So the regiment has decided give you ten pounds sterling
for each inch of measurement between any two parts of you
bodies.
Private, which measurement for you?"
"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"
"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms
outstretched, sah!"
The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two
inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant,
how about you?"
"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"
"Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put his
tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up
and asked, "Where are your balls, sergeant?"
"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"
The Pheasant and the Bull
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would
love to be able to get to the top of that tree over yonder," sighed
the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
day, after eating some more, he reached the second branch. And so
on.......
Finally, after a while there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
BIRDS AND POPSICLES
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited
the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A
gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She
holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A
gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left
on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he
scared the Hell out of the other two and they flew away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way
you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are
three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking
the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the
popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one
is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one
is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one
who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I
like the way you think."
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