29 December 2016

Albuquerque V. Honest Al's

Honest Al's Rental Cars 143 East Boulevard NY New York 10010

September

Good afternoon,

Please excuse me, I’m terrible with names – I don’t even recall my brother’s - and am unsure who to address this to and your letter of FINAL DEMAND was mostly red in overly large bold letters; incidentally, the use of such literary devices is something we writers often frown upon, sentiment is it cheapens the literary tone of whatever it is one is attempting convey.

Anyhow, to point: I am aware your invoice to me for car rental was due the 17Th October and it is now one month later. I am sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news but, obviously upsetting for me, due to a number of frauds committed on myself and having issued a instructions to my solicitors to take action against the perpetrator I am therefore unable to make payment for the bill due to yourselves for this period of car rental.

This is obviously upsetting for youbut this deferment is important - I’d go so far as to say absolutely vitally important - and I action legal summons against this person immediately. Not to do so would be a travesty of justice and, indirectly, detrimental to very small businesses such as yourselves! This could change in a few months but in my limited experience the law is a slow moving bitch.

Let me end on a good note and thank you for your service to date. I thoroughly enjoyed the car on rental, a red Ford Pinto, it’s handled exceptionally well in all manner of traffic circumstances and I would hope that I may be able to rent from you in the future, hopefully with legal victory on my side. Please advise when you can collect the car, it is with me in Mexico City, Mexico - I assume you are aware of this?

Also, for the record, I don’t have a brother, he’s actually my sister, Nancy Albuquerque, which just goes to show!

Here’s to victory,

Chassis Albuquerque AUTHOR www.chassisalbuquerque.com “I write because no one believes what I say.”

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Chassis Albuquerque 23 Ocean Pkwy Jones Beach NY New York 11793

September

Dear Mr Albuquerque,

You owe $1,275 in rental backdated from the previous month which has to be paid, either to us or through our collections agency WHO WILL NO DOUBT INFLATE THE AMOUNT BEYOND ALL REASONABLE COMPREHENSION.

With regards to you geographically I know for a fact you’re not in Mexico City, Mexico (the one territory you specifically asked if we cover and I stated emphatically we do NOT because of the Mexican question). I drove past your place in New York as soon as I received your letter, an hour ago and there you were, in all your fabled literal splendor mowing your front lawn - our car, a red Ford Pinto, parked in the centre of the wealthy-looking double-drive.

While it is my understanding you’ve managed to somehow quite successfully hack a living writing what you write, writers, real writers like Dickens or Melville, would never have dreamed of embarrassing themselves the way you have over what is clearly such a trivial financial amount for you.

I’m sorry to hear about your legal problems, however, your life as a writer is well-documented and perhaps if you were more careful with your money, information, credit cards and didn’t associate with prostitutes quite as regularly as it seems you do you’d be better off and not engaging in yet another confabulation at the expense of another. In my experience this seems to happen when people have more money than common sense and your reasons for ignoring our several requests to pay are mystifying.

You have and still are making use of our vehicle, the aforementioned red Ford Pinto, please pay what is due for its fair use or return the vehicle and pay us.

Regards, Honest Al MANAGER Honest Al's Rental Cars Please note: WE DO NOT HAVE A WEBSITE

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Honest Al Rental Cars 143 East Boulevard NY New York 10010

September

Dear Honest Al,

Thank you for your letter, Honest Al. You pose a number of very interesting questions none of which I feel obligated to address or respond to. With that in mind if you’re suggesting Charles Dickens always paid his bills do I have news for you, you could not be more wrong. Charles Dickens regularly left people high and dry and Herman Melville, well, maybe more of that another time!

As previously advised to you I do not intend paying you anytime soon; in fact, it’s unlikely I ever will, and that’s before I even mention the endless mechanical problems the car has experienced since I first began the rental. Yes, out of politeness, I have not previously mentioned any of these problems as when I first took delivery of the rental car, the red Ford Pinto, speaking to you that day all those months ago now you seemed under immense pressure and I did not wish to add to your personal problems. I do accept as fair your point I’ve been able to make use of and enjoy the rental and you’ve been unable to enjoy any remuneration for said car, a Red Ford Pinto. Therefore, here’s what I suggest: We continue to correspond monthly in the likelihood my legal circumstances may at some point in the future improve. That is all I can offer and it’s a shit-load more than fucking Charles Dickens would, let alone Melville to whom you so fondly refer.

As regards your suggestion I return the car I’m unable as I’m making use of it. For the record, the vehicle’s extensive mechanical problems is something of great concern to me and I strongly suspect it’s not roadworthy. I’m already engaged in one court battle and easily have stamina enough for a second but given your obvious persona problems is that something you seriously wish to pursue? I’m only thinking of you, Honest Al.

Warm regards and speak to you next month?

Chassis Albuquerque AUTHOR www.chassisalbuquerque.com “I write because no one believes what I say.”

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Chassis Albuquerque 23 Ocean Pkwy Jones Beach NY New York 11793

November

Re. Final Demand Notice Ref.: ALB096545-567

Dear Mr Albuquerque,

WE HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED BY OUR CLIENT:

HONEST AL RENTAL CARS 143 EAST BOULEVARD NY NEW YORK 10010

TO ACT AS FOLLOWS: THIS LETTER SERVES AS FINAL DEMAND BEFORE COURT ACTION PURSUANT IN MONIES OUTSTANDING IN THE MATTER OF CAR RENTAL OUTSTANDING FOR THE AMOUNT OF $5,183.

PLEASE CONTACT US DIRECTLY TO MAKE PAYMENT IN REGARD TO THIS MATTER IMMEDIATELY TO AVOID SEVERE COURT ACTION.

I am writing this letter to inform you of a situation that has developed recently. It has come to my attention that my reticular formation – the area at the base of the brain responsible for sleeping – is malfunctioning.

Whilst I am very flexible regarding the arguments presented my response to your complaint is two-fold:

1) I WILL NOT PAY - IF FUCKING HERMAN MELVILLE DIDN’T WHY SHOULD I?2) I WILL NOT RETURN THE CAR, ONE AFORESAID RED FORD PINTO.

See you in court, bastards!

Chassis Albuquerque AUTHOR www.chassisalbuquerque.com “I write because no one believes what I say.”