Sunday, January 27, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers

A 105 year old California woman has passed her driving test. The only problem is that she started it when she was 97.

A 105 year old California woman has passed her driving test. She could pose a real hazard as she likes to send telegraph messages while driving.

A 105 year old California woman has passed her driving test. The only problem was that to start the car she kept looking for where the crank was.

A 105 year old California woman has passed her driving test. Apparently she needs to be able to drive to take her kids to the Social Security office.

Apple has found that there is child labor at some of the companies in their supply chain. Apparently they became suspicious when all of their iPhones came only with apps for “Dora the Explorer”.

Apple has found that there is child labor at some of the companies in their supply chain. Suspicions were raised when the companies kept complaining all their best workers were being stolen by Nike.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg says that women are less liked once they become more successful. She says she has limited her own success by buying Facebook stock.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg says that women are less liked once they become more successful. The best way to prevent becoming successful is to post your drunk and naked pictures on Facebook.

Hawaii reported a record number of visitors in 2012. Mostly because all the people who are homeless because they can’t afford a home there are now considered “visitors”.

Philadelphia Police arrested a man who threatened to blow up the Liberty Bell. They couldn’t figure out which one was more cracked.

Illinois’ credit rating has been dropped to the lowest in the nation. It’s time to really reassess how you are doing business when your financial status falls below that of Alabama and Mississippi.

Mitt Romney says he is “not going away.” Unfortunately for Republicans, neither are John McCain and George W. Bush.

Mitt Romney says he is “not going away.” Neither are those videos where he says that 47% of the country are moochers.

Rabbits are causing problems at Denver International Airport by chewing on the wires of cars in the parking lots. Airport officials say those rabbits shouldn’t even be there. They belong at O’Hare.

Dubai is planning to build the world’s largest underwater hotel. They have a ways to go. Just about every hotel chain in California is already underwater.

A report says that China is home to 7 of the 10 most polluted cities in the world. To which Texas is saying “Thank you!”

Chattanooga, Tennessee is trying to attract high tech people with a high speed Internet system. Or as AOL calls that, “dial up”.

Chattanooga, Tennessee is trying to attract high tech people with a high speed Internet system. To which Arkansas is asking “What’s the Internet?”

A Pennsylvania man who died at age 88 and loved fast food was taken through a Burger King drive-thru as part of his funeral procession. When Burger King employees told people they had a regular customer who lived to be 88, everyone assumed they were telling a Whopper.

A Mazda race car in the 24 hour endurance race in Daytona will run on biofuel made from chicken guts, pork lard and beef tallow. Or as NASCAR fans call that, Sunday dinner.

A Mazda race car in the 24 hour endurance race in Daytona will run on biofuel made from chicken guts, pork lard and beef tallow. Apparently the car will be sponsored by Taco Bell.

A 1794 U.S. silver dollar was auctioned for $10 Million. When you are $16 Trillion in debt, it takes $10 Million to actually buy a real dollar anymore.

Apple is no longer the most valuable company in the world, falling behind Exxon Mobil. That stands to reason. No one ever started any wars over an iPhone or iPad.

Chinese firms and Gulf sheiks are reportedly buying up farmland worldwide. Apparently the foreigners are taking this Farmville thing a little too far.

A report says that Americans average longer relationships with their credit card than with their spouse. Mostly because they are paying for both long after they part with them.

A report says that Americans average longer relationships with their credit card than with their spouse. Mostly because with Kim Kardashian, she loses her spouse before she’s even done with one credit card billing cycle.

Mexico is moving to shore up their justice system. Americans were surprised. Mexico has a justice system?

Mexico is moving to shore up their justice system. Apparently their police and judges will now take bribes with several different currencies.

A report predicts poverty for women with children in their elder years. Mostly because their children will still be living in their basement when they reach their elder years.

A study says that people who quit smoking before they reach 40 may live as long as those who never smoked. Mostly because those who never smoked don’t live as long from breathing the smokers’ second hand smoke.

Hillary Clinton’s new glasses she has been wearing are reportedly worn by people who have suffered concussions. Apparently they were still lying around the house from when Bill needed them after Hillary hit him in the head with a vase when she found out about Monica.

A study found that one in three Americans have sleepwalked at some time in their life. Or at least pretend to when their wife catches them coming home at three in the morning.

Students at a Massachusetts high school honored a no tanning pledge before their prom. Apparently they decided to instead use the money to buy alcohol and get hotel rooms to have sex.

Sarah Palin and Fox News have reportedly severed ties. Apparently they found it much more cost effective to buy a parrot and train it to say “Liberal media!”

A poll says that Denzel Washington is the most popular movie star. But even he couldn’t carry a movie with Lindsay Lohan.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz says the Republicans should be the party of the 47%. Which is where they already are if you look at how many people voted for Mitt Romney.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz says the Republicans should be the party of the 47%. The only question is how do you get that many people to be multi-millionaires?

Tennis pro Victoria Azarenka caused controversy in the Australian Open finals when she called for a medical timeout because she was playing poorly under pressure. In fact, she was choking so bad they almost had to call in the trainer for the Lakers.

Kenan Thompson portrayed Ravens’ linebacker Ray Lewis on a “Saturday Night Live” skit. The bit really killed. The only way it could have killed any more was to have Lewis play himself.

A Japanese restaurant is charging $110 for a dirt tasting menu. That sounds like grounds for a lawsuit.

A poll says that the decision to put women in combat is favored by 70% of Republicans and 80% of Democrats. Especially the ones who are still paying alimony.

A study says that people who commute by car tend to gain more weight than those who use other means of transportation. Mostly because you can’t go through a fast food drive-thru in a bus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only seven more days until the Super Bowl. Or as Raiders fans call it, a pizza party. No matter who you want to win, be it the 49ers or the team with the homicidal linebacker just make sure you remember to always send the love!