A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared……..She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, If there is a miscarriage or unsuccessful delivery , what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

Store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes. The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework."Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think. What must be awaiting me further on?"So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

Last month, a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world." The survey was a huge failure...

A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.” The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... “Oh, no,” he, said, “Everyone’s fine - both my brothers are alive”. The only thing is I just quit drinking...! !!

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.......

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one ofthe worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, therewere 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metaldoor and handed him a gun.'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what thecircumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in achair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' Theagent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wifeand go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and wentinto the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came outwith tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agentsaid, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots wereheard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging onthe walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowlyand there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to deathwith the chair.'

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?” But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So…... I switched the heads."

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.. The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... .... I just lost it.'!!!

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from ourneighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from theNazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?' 'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!''And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman. ' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!' At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too?'

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" the doctor chimed in. "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" the pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

A man is digging a hole at the same time that his friend is covering up the same hole. And thus they spend the day, one digs and the other one covers up. Curious, a passerby who can no longer keep quiet watching the surrealist scene, approaches the two men and asks, "Gentlemen, what exactly does this mean?"

"Well, we're working," one of them answers.

"And are you positive there's nothing wrong with what you're doing?"

"Well, if there is something wrong here, it's Joaquim's fault. He didn't show up today."

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ At last a guy has taken the time to write this all downFinally ,the guys' side of the story. (Imust admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear"the rules" From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseballorgolf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost makingher eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Once a cunning man visited his cunning friend! After a couple of hours chat, he was expecting for something to eat but there was no offer. He was just waiting for the offer from his friend. And the friend was just trying to avoid and flush him out of the home without any food. But this never happened!!

Frustrated friend finally had to sardonically offer him atleast something:

Sarcastically::Oh shit, i forgot to offer you anything buddy, so sorry for that. Anyways would you like to have a tea or coffee??

His cunning response was like: " i dont mind having chilled beer until hot coffee is prepared"

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italian's, in the weeks that followed, a Chinese archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the China Daily read: 'Chinese archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Italian's.-

----One week later, the Punjab Times, a local newspaper in India , reported the following:After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Amritsar , in the Indian state of Punjab , Dugdeep Singh, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Dugdeep has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, India had already gone wireless.

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he seesis a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?

I should expect a big quarrel with her!" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could notstudy for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look asdirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said thatthey had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tireof their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back andthat they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thankedhim and said they would be ready by that time.On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that asthis was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit inseparate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had preparedwell in the last 3 days.The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. When George opened the back door, he saw there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked him if there anyone was in his house, and he said, "No." Then they told him all the patrols were busy, and that he should lock all his doors. The police would be along as soon as someone was availablle.

George hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry anymore because I shot them." And he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the police officers said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?""Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife, after death. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy .Judy!' 'Is that you, Steve?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' 'That's wonderful! What's it like?' 'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.''Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!' 'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ..'

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks. God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live." she complains.

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. - If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. - If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. - If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. - If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. - If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. - If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. - If they've left early, put them in Sales. - And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.

When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.

Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.

New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.

The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

A wealthy Old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! "

Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! "

Moral of this story...Don't mess with the old dogs.... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

*2007* - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia.*2008* - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing.*2009* - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner: Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? Husband: Definitely not! Wife: Why not - don't you like being married? Husband: Of course I do. Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Husband: Okay, I'd get married again. Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) Husband: (makes audible groan) Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Husband: Where else would we sleep? Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed. Wife: - - - silence - - - Husband: sh#t.sh#t.sh#t.....

Baby, I ‘v seen you yesterday while surfing on local trainplatform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. Forlong time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you canbe a real debugger for me now.My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which neverproduces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not onlybeautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and givespower to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When youlooked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were runningsmoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before*/.With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if welinked together, I’ll provide you all objects & libraries necessaryfor a human being to live an error free life.Also don’t bother about the firewall which may be created byour parents as I’ve strong hacking capabilities by which I’ll ultimatelybreak their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage.I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your databaseso that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if thishappened to me,I will crash my system beyond recovery.Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me allprivileges of your inbox.

There were 2 friends complete fans of football. So they made an agreement that the first one who will die - will come back in the dream to the other one and tell him if they play football in heaven. One of them died and a couple of month later he cames into the dream of the other.

- I have 2 news for you... One is goof and the other one is not so good...- Tell me the good one!- Yes, they play football in heaven.- And what is the bad one?- You are in team that will be playing tomorrow

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

You have to try this, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............... This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't... It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY.....) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

*******

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things . On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft back ground music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell .

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .

Vents we re checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting..

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit .

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls .

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork .

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"