I was recently listening to David D's 'On being a man that naturally attracts women'. He talks a lot about father relationships. You know I feel a lot of my trouble with women (and being social in general) comes from being raised by an aggressive man-child. That might get you places in the world when you are 6ft, but when your size genes are from the mother's side and you are only 5'1, no one takes your temper tantrums seriously. In effect I felt like I have to retrain myself in all areas of my social life (loudness of voice (I dared not raise my voice in our home for fear of reprisal and violence), I have to learn not to always antagonising people (put downs where very common in our household) and so on) in a bid to undo all the damage of the last 20 or so years.

This all came to a head today, I had a massive fight with my Dad which came from some really tiny words. He asked me if I was the can I was opening was a can of tuna, I hate these questions. See my Dad, bless his heart, is hopelessly socially retarded when speaking to his sons, he has a sense of estrangement which makes it hard for him to naturally talk to us, so instead he contrives pointless conversations like these. I know that if I say anything the conversation will end with me being made to feel stupid or having to put up with my dad's terrible sense of humour...gah...so I normally just stay silent and keep my head down until he leaves...but this time I snapped and said 'what?'...and which point he went bonkers: What what?! What's wrong with you?! Why can't you just answer a simple question?!

He was flying off the handle and letting out what seemed like years of repressed rage and and random insults...then effectively kicked me out of the house (ah...unemployed AND homeless!).

Now, I'm not angry. Over the years I've come to see him as a lonely man who has a lot of misplaced anger. I understand how frustrating it can be when you are an angry dude feeling angrier all the time because the world is running away from you. I used to be one fucked up angry guy myself and made months of effort to change that.

I'm writing up write now all the issues I have with my Dad and examples I can remember of it. I am refining the list and am gonna sit down and just listen to him (not make any points of my own on that day, make no justifications either). But am going to lay down the following ground rules:
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No shouting
No swearing
No accusational venacular (parasite, bad father, useless! stupid cunt! etc;)
Without these ground rules no one is going to feel understood and in the end it will all be a shouting contest with no effective conclusion.
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You know maybe this is the big chance I've been waiting for? I might finally be able to get years of repressed anger and frustration out of our relationship. This might possibly be the biggest single chance I had to improve my confidence and self-esteem on a very fundemental level.

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