This Thanksgiving, serve up roasted brussels sprouts with quinoa and motherfuckin' cranberries

Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Quinoa and Cranberries

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GET THAT SOUPY GREEN SHIT OUTTA HERE. C’mon, anybody showing up with that casserole from a can didn’t even fucking try. How about something much tastier that packs some actual nutrition in it? Bring this bastard to Thanksgiving and nobody is going to ask you to do the goddamn dishes.

I DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN that you slept through breakfast. That’s no excuse to eat cold pizza wheneverthefuck you eventually drag your ass outta bed. You’re blurring meal times, nothing wrong with that. But don’t go wait in a fucking line at some pretentious restaurant that overcharges for breakfast food. Instead, cook up this filling motherfucker and give your stomach something worth waking up for. THIS SAVORY STACK OF PROTEIN & FIBER will keep you feeling FULL AS FUCKuntil Lunchtime.Grab a mimosa and BRUNCH LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.

Sweet Potatoes have a shitload of antioxidants and betacarotene. I’m so goddamn tired of seeing sweet potatoes being served under an inch of marshmallows and butter. EVERY. FUCKING. FALL. Don’t you realize there are vitamins in these naturally sweet sons of bitches? The beta-carotene in them alone will help keep your skin looking right and vision on point. What the fuck is the marshmallow fluff doing for you? NOT A GODDAMN THING.

Don't fuck around with Campbells Chunky Sodium Soup. Make this Bean and Beer Chili

Bean and Beer Chili

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Trying to feed a big ass crowd for the football game? DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH SOME CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY SODIUM SOUP. Serve your guests this gridiron grub and give those bastards protein, fiber, and a full stomach all on the cheap. Sneak some veggies in that motherfucker like zucchini, peppers, and carrots and nobody will taste the goddamn difference because you’re a nutritional ninja.

Tell your problems to wait until normal business hours for bullshit because YOU NEED A FUCKING DAY OFF. But don’t ruin a good time by using tonic that has fucking corn syrup. That sweet syrupy shit will ruin the taste and your waist.

WHO WANTS SOME GODDAMN DESSERT? Frozen bananas are legit treats that can make you feel like you’re at the boardwalk even if you’re just standing in front of an oscillating fan in your apartment. USE YOUR IMAGINATION MOTHERFUCKER. Make some of these with the kids, they love that shit. Whether you let them read my recipe or not, that’s on you.

Eggplant is abundant as fuck this time of year so you can buy them on the cheap. Not sure what the hell to do with an eggplant? Grab that Grimace-looking son of a bitch and roast the shit out of it so you can whip together this dope dip. Stow those prepackaged sad excuses for a snack and GET FUCKING SERIOUS.

GARBANZO BEANS. CHICKPEAS. WHATEVERTHEFUCK YOU WANT TO CALL THEM. These tiny bastards are filled to the brim with protein, fiber, iron, folate, B-6, magnesium, and all kinds of other boss nutritious shit that your body needs on the daily.If you’re short on time or feeling lazy you can buy them already cooked in a can. They’re less than a fucking dollar. Try them as a sandwich filling, blended up to make hummus, or roasted and wrapped into a burrito. I mean shit, you can use this recipe as a dip or toss it on top of salad. Chickpeas are versatile as fuck.

Have yourself a big ass glass of summer with this Watermelon Cucumber Slushie

Watermelon Cucumber Slushie

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If you’ve gone all summer without drinking a single slushie, take the rest of the day off and whip up this refreshing motherfucker right here. The watermelon and cucumber in this shit help soothe inflammation and the mint will keep your breath on point. FUCK IT. Splash some vodka in there if you want to take tomorrow off too.