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It's Christmas, Ya'll (The Pageant Every Church Passed On)

(CAESAR AUGUSTUS is sitting on his throne in the middle of the stage. MRS. AUGUSTUS is laying by his side and TWO JESTERS are draped over chairs on either side of him—they're both drunk with bottles of booze in hand.)

CAESAROh, jesters, my jesters. Why do you jest no longer?

JESTER #1We've tasted the sweetness, darkness, and loneliness of the bottle.

JESTER #2And we want more!

CAESARFooey! I say to you, fooey, oh jesters. Forget, that. I am in the mood for other things.

MRS. AUGUSTUS(like a tramp) What sort of things your royal badness?

CAESARSweet of you to offer, wife. But I, like many others of this time, prefer young boys. Nay, I am not in the mood for pleasures of the flesh. I am in a decreeing mood!

JESTER #2A decree?

CAESARAbsolutely.

JESTER #1Of what sort?

CAESARThe lucrative kind. I run this. All this is mine. However, times is tough. We need a bailout. We need revenue. We need taxes!

(The Jesters jump for joy and in their drunken state they try to perform for the following song and dance for the king.)

JESTER #1 & #2You'd be hard pressed to find a self-respecting manTo agree that there's no better truck than a ChevyBut when times are tough, things are rough and tensions running upWhat's better than a dedicated levy?

MRS. AUGUSTUSMy husband's tastes for gold and food are quite exquisiteSo I spend my days and nights just drinking sherryI push my feelings down inside to keep up my appearanceBut on my husband's tomb it reads "Hail Caesar! (He's a fairy)"

CAESARMy mouth is dry, my eyes are red and haven't showered in a weekHeavy weighs the crown, you know, this burden's tough to carryBut when my wife suspects that I prefer the company of boysWhat's better than a dedicated levy?

(Everybody dances to a conclusion.)

CAESARSo, it's settled then. A tax, I say! A tax for all!

(Everybody exits. As they exit, MARY and JOSEPH enter. They've been traveling for a while.)

JOSEPHFor the love of GOD, woman!

MARYI'm with child, asshole! Some might even say I am great with child.

JOSEPHThose people haven't seen you naked lately, oy! You could hit the gym, why not?

MARYJoe, we've gotta stop. I'm tired.

JOSEPHNever! We go to the City of David to pay our taxes!

MARYIt's Bethlehem. Nobody calls it "The City of David" anymore.

JOSEPHPEH! It's the city of David! Who is this Bethlehem? What is that?

MARYCan we stop?

JOSEPHNo!

(They continue to walk.)

NARRATORAnd so they trekked on. Joseph insisting they continue until they reach their destination.

(They walk off the stage. The stage goes black.)

NARRATOROnce in the city of David, Mary gave birth to her child in a barn. She went into labor in a barn. Her initial contractions started in a barn. The kid was born in a barn. It is important to understand that Mary birthed a child in a barn—where cows poop.

(The lights appear and Mary is sitting with a child wrapped in the swaddling. Joseph is Proudly smoking a cigar.)

JOSEPHTwenty sheckles for a room?? PEH! I say, we sleep in the barn.

MARYA room would have been a little nicer of a place to have a child. Could you not smoke that? The baby is coughing.

JOSEPHNonsense! This will teach the boy about life. He will grow up to be a strong man! A carpenter! Just like his father!

MARYListen, about that father thing...

NARRATORMary neglected to tell Joseph about her previous visit from the angel Gabriel.

JOSEPHI believe you neglected to mention this, wife! How did that work? Was he bigger than me?

MARYCome on, Joe. It's God.

(Joseph continues stomping around and the stage goes black.)

NARRATORAs it so happened, God did not want his child to be born without fanfare. So, he rounded up some spectators. First on the list: shepherds.

(The lights come back on as we see three shepherds, GARY, WINSTON and PETE, standing around looking at their sheep.)

GARYWinston!

WINSTONWhat?

GARYGet your damn sheep away from me. They smell funny.

PETEYou smell funny.

GARYI wasn't talking to you, Pete.

WINSTONHey, shut up, Gary.

GABRIELENOUGH!

(GABRIEL's booming voice is heard off-stage. The shepherds all look up and cower.)

PETEUh...god?

GABRIELNo!

GARYMuhammad?

PETESteve?

GABRIELGabriel, you morons!

WINSTONWho?

GABRIELThe Angel Gabriel!

PETEOh...of course...Gabriel?

GARYWhat's up, Gabriel?

GABRIELYou still don't know who I am, do you?

WINSTONSure, we do! Weren't we in the Coast Guard together or something?

NARRATORThe three shepherds went into the night shouting the news from the rooftops, hilltops, and other high places. Each one of them was arrested for disturbing the peace. Gary, Winston, and Pete were all released the following morning and continued to spread the word with their sheep in tow. However, the spreading of the news led to some problems at the highest level of government.

(The stage goes black.)

NARRATORAt the King Herod level of government.

(The lights come back on and HEROD is sitting on a throne striking similar to the one Caesar sat on. THREE WISEMEN, AL, FRANK, and TIM, are standing listening to him.)

HERODYou're probably asking yourself why I called you all here today.

FRANKSure are, King.

ALWhat's the haps?

HERODI've come to hear tell of a great king.

FRANKMust be talking about you, king.

ALI don't know of another great king. How bout you, Tim?

TIMI hate both of you.

HERODNo, not me, men. Don't be silly. The King of the Jews. Some shepherds went ‘round hollering about how wonderful this baby king was. Fella by the name of "Jesus."

ALSounds like a reasonable guy.

FRANKProbably runs a fine house.

TIMFor an infant, sure.

HERODFor wisest wisemen in my kingdom, you are all pretty stupid. I don't want this so-called "King of the Jews" running around my kingdom. You can't have two kings in one kingdom. If you have two kings in one kingdom do you know what that creates?

ALA power vacuum!

FRANKA vacancy of power!

TIMShut up! That's completely wrong!

HERODTim is right to demean you. The opposite is true, in fact, it creates a power struggle. And I am not one who enjoys struggling for my power. I don't much care for fending off any Johnny-come-lately king who thinks he rules the Jews.

FRANKBut there's lots of Jews around, King.

ALFrank's right.

HERODI know that. So, I would simply like to meet this king and reason with him. Nay, I would like to worship him. Because if he truly is the King of the Jews then he is to be worshipped. He can rule the religion and I can rule the land. It will work out perfectly. People never have a problem sharing authority. Co-kings. Fifty-fifty.

ALWhy that's a fine idea, King.

TIMThat doesn't sound quite right.

FRANKBully, Tim. It's a great idea. Worship his feet and share the throne.

HERODIt's settled then. Go out into my kingdom and find this king and when you do, bring him to me so that I may pay my respects.

FRANKDone and done, Herod.

ALWe'll find him. We're wisemen.

TIMIn a manner of speaking we are wise, yes, Al.

(The three wisemen start to leave but Herod gets up and stands in their way.)

HERODNow, I must make my instructions crystal clear.

FRANKWho do you figure to do that?

(Music begins and the following is sung. Musically it's the same as the first song.)

HERODI'm the king I want for nothingSo, nimrods, follow me like sheepExcept for Tim, poor Frank and AlI could manipulate in my sleepI simply can't believe this jerkI hate his guts and all his Jew-y kingnessAnd therefore I must ask myself:So, what's the deal with Jesus?

TIMI'm not a dolt I see through liesI know I should suspect the worstThe growing madness with his powerNot unlike mogul William Randolph HearstI've no doubt of his powerHe's the chosen one to lead usPrecocious little scamp he isThat's the fuckin' deal with Jesus?

FRANK & ALWe're plain spoken, yes, it's trueThe less we say is more, says TimHerod wants a Jew-y kingAnd so we will deliver himWithout good Tim we'd probably starveHe promised not to leave usEvery single place we go we hearSo, what's the deal with Jesus?

(They dance to a conclusion. The stage goes black.)

NARRATORWith that rousing number, the three wisemen, Frank, Al, and Tim ventured off to find the King of the Jews. Little did they know they were about to run into some tough customers.

(The lights come back on as Gary, Pete, and Winston are standing around with sheep surrounding them.)

FRANKYou know, it really is. I'm wise, but to be King of all Jews? A fella could get used to that sort of thing.

TIMHave you seen him?

PETEWell, that all depends. What's in it for us lowly shepherds?

ALI've got some gold.

GARYDone. He's in Nazareth. Dad's Joseph. Mom's Mary.

WINSTONGreat family.

PETEWe've basically been touring around talking about how awesome the kid is.

TIMWhy?

GARYNo particular reason.

WINSTONWe're shepherds. Take away the sheep and we don't do anything.

PETESo, we figured we'd at least do something other than shepherding while we're walking around all over the place.

ALThat's really true.

TIMAlright, guys. Thanks for the help. We'll be on our way.

(The three wisemen wander off the stage.)

WINSTONWhy did you dime them out like that?

GARYDude, gold.

WINSTONYeah.

(The lights go to black.)

NARRATORThe shepherds Winston, Gary, and Pete thought nothing of pointing the wisemen in the right direction. The wisemen followed the path to Nazareth and arrived at the home of Joseph.

(A KNOCK is heard as the lights come on and Mary is preparing a meal. Joseph is sitting at the table sipping wine and baby Jesus/Rick is playing on the ground. Before Mary can answer the door AL, FRANK, and TIM enter.)

JOSEPHJust who might you be, with the robes on the heads?

TIMFriends.

JOSEPHSo go and tell us your names, perhaps?

ALI'm Al. That's Frank and that's Tim.

MARYWelcome. Is there something you need?

FRANKWho's the kid?

MARYJesus.

JOSEPHRick.

MARYIt's Jesus. Joe has trouble dealing with that.

JOSEPHYou'd think I could name my own son. PEH!

ALIs he by chance king of the—

MARYJews? Yes, he is. He's quite a boy.

JOSEPHI don't even recognize this family anymore.

TIMWell, the king is quite impressed with your boy and he has requested that young Jesus come to the court of Herod and be worshipped as a king should.

MARYThat sounds lovely.

JOSEPHThe court of Herod? I hear that's a dangerous place.

FRANKMaybe for dissenters. Are you dissenters?

TIM After that I doubt they'd tell you if they were, Frank.

FRANKAh, yes. Well, either way your dissenting days are over.

JOSEPHBefore I even got a chance to dissent in the first place. This is one rotten day.

MARYWe'd love to see the king and have him worship my child. That's a mighty nice thing to do.

ALSure is.

TIM Great. If you don't mind putting us up, we'll leave in the morning.

(The stage goes black.)

NARRATORBut that night, something happened to the noble wiseman Tim. He was visited by an angel in his sleep. The message that angel brought was that the life of Jesus would hang in the balance if he were to be delivered to Herod.

(The lights come on and Tim is fast asleep. GABRIEL's voice is heard.)

GABRIELTIM!

TIMWhat?

GABRIELOh, um, Tim! Tim the wiseman!

TIMI'm awake, moron. Who's talking?

GABRIELIt is I! The angel of the Lord!

TIM I don't know who that is.

GABRIELUgh...come on, man! Gabriel!

TIMOh....oh...you...what's—what's goin on, buddy?

GABRIELDo you know who I am?

TIM An angel of some kind?

GABRIELYou don't do you?

TIMNot really.

GABRIELI bring to you a message from God.

TIMAny reason he can't just tell me himself?

GABRIELWell...because...I am getting tired of going through this with everybody! Every time I visit somebody it's all, "Who's Gabriel?" and, "Why can't God just tell me himself?" or, "You're just a middleman. How do you live with yourself?" That's bullcrap. I am God's right-hand man!

TIMYeah, that or his servant.

GABRIEL(whining) No, I'm not.

TIMOkay. Something you need from me?

GABRIELDon't take Jesus to Herod.

TIMI know.

GABRIELTake hi— wait, what?

TIM I knew that. Guy sang a song about killing him and those two ding dongs were too caught up to notice. We're gonna take him someplace else.

GABRIELEgypt.

TIMEgypt?

GABRIELWhat's wrong with Egypt?

TIMIt's a little random, don't you think?

GABRIELListen, if you don't take him to Egypt then I will have wasted my time even talking to you.

TIMWell, I certainly don't want that to happen, Gabriel.

GABRIELExactly. I am an important angel. Go to Egypt. Go there because I told you to.

TIMGod told me to.

GABRIELNo! Me! I told you!

TIMFine. That it?

GABRIELYes...goodbye!

(The lights go out.)

NARRATORAnd when everybody woke up the next morning, Tim led everybody to Egypt. Jesus and his family were safe and the three wisemen were off the hook. However, as time passed Herod slowly realized he would never see the King of the Jews.

(The lights come on and Herod is sitting on that throne. A WOMAN is draped over a couch next to him.)

HERODThis isn't right. I've been foiled by a couple of idiots and one reasonably wise man. I'm ruined!

WOMANDon't cry. You're still my king.

HERODWho cares? There's another king out there. Ooh! I hates wisemen!

WOMANYou needn't worry, king. You'll never hear from that King of the Jews again.

WOMANI'm a loyal woman can't you see?If I see rules, I know they'll bend.But if I know one thing for sure:You'll never see that jerk again.

HERODYou know you're right, my loyal wifeThis is the absolutely where this story endsThat Jesus clown was just a mythI'll never see that jerk again.

WOMAN & HERODAnd our story ends with songAnd musical accompanimentFor all of those of you who hateTake our advice and get bent.Herod's story is a happy oneHe's his father's favorite sonIt's our position, yes, we do contendMy kingdom will never see it's endJesus Christ will never be my friendWe know we'll never see that jerk again.

About Points in Case

Founded in 2000, PIC is a comedypublication featuring enlighteningand irreverent humor from adiverse group of awesome writers.You'll find that we are somewhatcollegiate, often sarcastic, and alwayscuriously insightful or inexplicablydelightful. Read more »