Chaos is Queen

Saturday, October 8, 2011

After four days of non-stop rain the sun finally came out to play. The world felt so fresh, so clean, and new. The air was crisp. The sky, a perfect, brilliant blue. It felt like pumpkins, blustery, blowy leaves, and sweaters. It was my most favorite kind of day in the middle of my most favorite month. I spent the morning walking with my Nana and my Kyle. Two of my most favorite people. A day as lovely as this only made me miss you more. I can appreciate the beauty of days like this, but true joy alludes me...Joy feels as far away from me as you are. I can take a deep breath of fresh fall air and let my heart swell with my love for you. A love that is sometimes so difficult to manage, but wonderful all the same. You feel so far away...We feel so far away...I know that you're there. All I need to do is point myself East and let the knowledge of you wash over me. Just knowing that you're pointing West quiets my heart and calms my soul.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

In honor of today being the first official day of summer I thought I'd post a list of my absolute favorite things about our current season. This BLAZING California heat will NOT be included.

1. Swimming in my nana's pool. Sigh. Especially when I can hear the doves...singing? Cooing? Whatever it is they do? Every summer growing up I spent a good portion of my time parked in or around that pool. Swimming, tanning, reading, napping... I grew up listening to the doves in the late afternoon as the shade claimed the water. I grew up listening to my precious Nana urge me and urge me and URGE ME to get out of the sun! My most favorite part about all of this? Is that I'm still doing it! That at the age of twenty seven not only am I still spending summers by her pool, but I'm sharing it with my kids. And that maybe, just maybe, this will be one of their favorite memories as well some day. And even though I completely ignored her at fifteen when she tells me now to get myself and my boys out of the sun, I smile and I immediately put those boys in the shade. Why? Because after eighty-something years on this Earth, she deserves the respect. And two, she is sure as Hell RIGHT!

2. Tomatoes. Mmmmm, tomatoes. Tomatoes, warm, right off the vine from my parents garden. Tomatoes paired with cucumbers slathered in Italian dressing. Tomatoes splattered all over the road...Wait, what? Yep. Here in the good old state of California you know it's summer when you see those puppies smeared all over the road like- well, you KNOW like what.

3. Sun-burned cheeks.

4. Two words. Lake Tahoe.

5. Ice cream in the evenings and iced tea alllll day long.

6. Warm nights spent on the porch. Or riding bikes around the neighborhood. Or snuggling on a blanket watching the stars. For simplicities sake let's just say warm nights. Or rather, warm nights spent OUTSIDE. Because let's be real here, warm nights while trying to sleep indoors just sucks.

7. Summer evenings spent on my parents back porch with a glass of wine. It's always nice to sit under the twinkle lights my mother as so artfully set up and just... catch up. To just sit...and be.

Here's my secret. Summer is my least favorite season, so my list is short. But what I do love? I love like crazy.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I broke down in the middle of the card aisle today in Walmart. The boys and I were picking out cards to send to Pete for Father's Day when Caden asked me to read what the Spiderman card said. I didn't make it through the first sappy sentence before I couldn't see the words anymore through the tears. I miss him so much it literally hurts. Every. Single. Day. I don't know how military wives do it. I don't know how single wives do it. I don't even know how mob wives do it! Please don't hold my TV viewing preferences again me. The worst part is that I don't know when he'll be home. I don't know when the boys will get to see their daddy again. I don't know when the next time I crawl into bed without feeling scared will be. I just don't know...

The other morning Kyle woke me up when he came into my room crying. Every mom will tell you that kids have different cries. Hurt cries. Tired cries. Angry cries. Cries that aren't really cries at all...This cry was his legitimately upset cry. Something had happened to make him truly distraught. Normally when he's crying like this he's either wet the bed, had a bad dream or Caden has done something to hurt him. So when he came in and I asked him what was wrong, I fully expected to be told that he had peed his bed. What I didn't expect was for him to say, "I miss my daddy!" When something happens to upset my kids that I can't fix my normal response, "Oh honey, come here." And then they get a big hug and a back rub...

Today in Walmart Kyle asks me, "Mommy are you crying?" And I answered that I was. So then Caden asks, "Why?" And I tell them that I miss their daddy. Kyle then holds out his arms and says, "Come here, mommy." My three year old then gave me a big hug and rubbed my back.

My five year old told me it was going to be okay.

So, even though I don't have my husband right now, I clearly have two little men who are looking out for me and I can't help but feel like one of the luckiest woman alive.

For the last week or so I've fallen into bed around nine or so completely exhausted...Only to toss and turn for hours before eventually falling to sleep. I think it's this heat, but I absolutely refuse to run the air conditioner through the night...Sigh.

Insomnia sucks. Especially when you have children that are always up at the crack of dawn.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

In just a few short weeks I will get on a plane, land in IL, and be reunited with my man. And aside from being terrified of the plane ride, I am BEYOND excited. I haven't seen him for a month and half and I'm ready. I'm ready to snuggle all night. I'm ready to lean over and kiss him whenever I want. I'm ready to banter back and forth in the special way that we do and honestly...I'm ready for some kid-free time. It kills me that I can't take them with me so that they can spend some time with their daddy, but I'm going to look at the bright side. I'm going to be a much, much, much, MUCH better mother when I get back.

I've been researching Chicago non-stop for the past couple of weeks and I've pretty much figured out my top three things to that I want to see. The bean, which I don't think is the official name. But you know what I'm talking about. That giant, silver bean shaped thing in Millennium Park? That one that supposedly has the amazing refection quality and is amazing to photograph? Super excited to see that! Well, I'm excited to just see Millennium Park in general...Second, the original Playboy mansion. Don't ask me why, I truthfully have no idea. Wrigley Field. Don't ask me about that one either. No, I'm not a Cubs fan I'm just drawn to it...And lastly, the address of the Valentines day Massacre. Because I'm macabre that like. Oh wait, that's four. So I figured out my top FOUR things of must sees in Chicago.

Who knows if we'll make to any or all of those. As of right now we have NO plans and I think that's partly why I'm so freakin' excited. I have a whole week ahead of me where I get to do whatever I want. GO wherever I want. SEE whatever I want!

Monday, June 13, 2011

My child has started talking. And when I say, "talking" I don't mean, "Mama, dada, or baba." I mean long-winded, surprisingly articulate speeches that NEVER END. Speeches on his favorite things; Toy Story, Power Rangers, Magic Tree House. Speeches on completely random people, places or events. Or even a play by play on his latest(imaginary) fight. The latter is by far my favorite. There is just something so funny about listening to a three year old in his sweet little voice telling you about how he punched someone in the face because they kicked him in the wee wee. And please don't ask me where he gets this stuff because I have NO idea. I have a sneaking suspicion he gets it from his older brother, who in turn gets it from school, but truthfully, I'll probably never know. Which is probably a good thing because I wouldn't want to have to put the smack down on some poor kid because he's been teaching mine about violence. I mean, REALLY.

My absolute favorite thing about these speeches is that they are just that. Speeches. No listener participation required. No, "mhmms or oh, really's?" necessary. Eye contact? Pretty sure that isn't needed either. In fact, I think all Kyle requires is a warm body-no wait. Scratch that. I think all Kyle needs is a vague human shaped object. And I'm not even 100% sure on that, either. I probably shouldn't admit this to the internet lest anyone thinks I'm a terrible mother, but I've been known to space out a time or two during these long-winded, one sided conversations...And I kid you not, five full minutes later, he's still chattering away. Completely oblivious to his non-audience. And that is exactly what I mean when I say listener participation is not required.

I only hope he keeps talking like this. I hope I get to enjoy listening to him talk and talk and talk well into adulthood. I dread the day when I have to drag out even single syllable answers to the simplest of questions. How was your day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. What did you learn? Stuff. Ugh.