“Liam can’t wait to have the tit sewn onto his head, he says he wants a big floppy one. Personally, I think he should have a large vagina sewn onto his head because to tell you the truth, Liam is a c*nt of the highest order,” Nicole Appleton, his long suffering wife told CBBC’s Newsround program.

The ailing popstar who made an utter fool of himself at the BRIT awards recently, is said to be relishing the opportunity to acquire the mammary gland on his head.

Dr. Giles Mumptington, who will operate on the star at the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead, spoke about the procedure: “First we will shave off his naff Southern ponce hairstyle, then we will peel back his scalp and stick a big mammary gland on it. We have already got the breast in storage after being donated by a nun who had no need for her tits anymore. The procedure should only take three or four hours to complete, that is if there are no complications.”

There were fears in the Oasis camp today that Liam could be mistaken for a policeman once the procedure is completed.

“Liam is a mentally retarded oaf with a very limited worldview, but I have to commend him on his latest action. It’s as if he’s slowly waking up to how people view him. I think that’s a step in the right direction and by having this t*t grafted onto his bonce he’s showing the world what an utter self-hating loser he really is,” his brother, Noel Gallagher told Melody Maker magazine.

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