Does God speak? In the silence of the wilderness, in the shattering noise of a city street? What does it mean to wrestle with gender, and not accept the standard of just being gay? What does it mean to speak about that journey, accepting others, yet still be true to your own self?
This is my journey out of silence, out of the shadows of others, not afraid of my own voice, rather, listening to my Rabbi speak my name, giving me strength.

Monday, September 10, 2012

New Shoes

New Shoes - previously published in Christian Courier

The Lord
spoke a profound word to me this past month, through a very innocent act done
by my 2 ½ year old.As I was getting
ready to go out for a meeting my daughter brought me a pair of shoes.She proudly carried them to my feet and
promptly put them down right in front of me and said, “Daddy’s shoes?”

I looked
down and didn’t see my shoes but the shoes of my wife.Red wedges, definitely not mine.Phoebe waited there patiently for me to put
them on.I told her that these shoes
would not fit Daddy and that they weren’t mine but that they were Mommy’s.She didn’t move.I showed her as I slipped my bare feet into
them that my feet were too big.My toes
fit, but my heels hung a good 3 inches off the back.She stood smiling as I showed her that these
were not a good fit.Sure, I could walk
in them and get around in them but they were not mine.

I took them
off, put them in the closet and grabbed my shoes and put them on, showing her
that they fit my feet perfectly and that these were in fact Daddy’s shoes.Little did Phoebe or I know the significance
of her innocent action or what God would again remind me of later that
week?I left it at that and went to my
meeting not thinking twice about those shoes or Phoebe’s insistence that those
red wedges were Daddy’s.

That week
in Church I was playing the piano for the worship team and as we were singing I
got a picture of those red wedges and my feet in them.I was taken back a bit and kept playing but
then felt the Lord say to me that He has given me new shoes, ones that fit my
feet perfectly and that in these shoes I could stand upright, strong, a man
capable of being a husband, father, brother and son.I was reminded of the time when I used to
wear shoes like that.When my
masculinity was so broken and my identity marred due to circumstances in my
childhood.I had always secretly hoped
that I could eventually become a woman.I was reminded of the times I used to wear my mom’s shoes, pretending to
be just like her.I wished that I could
wear shoes like that without shame or fear of being ridiculed and called names.I had always felt odd in my skin, in my
gender and even though at the time I was comfortable being gay, my secret
longing was that I could eventually have gender reassignment surgery and that
would be the final answer for this empty feeling inside.

God met me
in a profound way which stopped that process from ever happening.My masculinity and sense of gender healed
through submitting my life over to God and for him to set things in order so
that I could stand secure in whom I was clearly designed to be.I am grateful to God as I look at my life and
all that He has done and blessed me with.To know that without him my life could have looked very different than
what it is today.

Those shoes
reminded me of my past, but the greater reminder was God saying that he has
given me new shoes, a new identity, one that he had intended from the beginning
when he knit me together in my mother’s womb.These new shoes fit and the other ones never did.No matter what I could do those red wedges
would always be shoes that would never quite match the DNA of my feet.I felt like God was speaking this as a
reminder to me but also to all of us.I
walked many years in the wrong shoes, even though God had something better for
me, but he has the same gift for all of us.He calls each one of us to take off the shoes that don’t fit and allow
Him to fit us with those perfect fitting shoes.New shoes, ready for us to walk in the fullness of who we were created
to be all along.Are you ready to take
off your shoes?Because God, your Father
who knew you before anyone else did is ready to fit you with ones that fit you
perfectly.

4 comments:

I was siting at home, it's late, I can't sleep, nothing on tv, nothing to do really... but read articles and I stumbled upon your new blog post. I always like reading what you post.

I was thinking about my own journey, where I've come from, the work of healing God has done in me. I wasn't thinking of shoes but I was thinking of identity and the clothes I used to wear... and the question... What were we created for? What were we redeemed into? Restoration of what the enemy has taken had come pretty quickly as I looked at an old picture of me, my twin brother, and a couple of our friends... I didn't see a girl confused with her gender, I saw a little girl who was a little girl and who didn't think she was suppose to be a boy... and so then I thought about what we were redeemed into something more then just to get to heaven but to bring heaven to earth, for restoration... it's a real reminder that restoring of my feminine identity isn't reaching for some kind of genetic miracle but allowing for my Creator to stir in me the very woman that God created me to be... not hiding behind some broken pseudo masculine posturing out of a felt need to protect myself because of a poor view of what it means to be a woman... interesting how our stories are alike yet different... to think I was trapped in my own body is such a foreign way of thinking for me now and worlds apart from being comfortable and to actually like being a woman ... such a world of a difference and profound change of heart.

Thanks...I am reminded over and over again of the Love of our saviour Jesus who bore the weight of all my unworthiness, the things I did, my own confusion and see eternity with great fondness. Sarah-Jane...God's not done with you, each time I have met you, I see a a newer, stronger, softer, beautiful woman who is head over heels in love with Jesus.

Marcy...I so appreciate you. You have so much WISDOM...and your heart is so BIG...probably the biggest I know. I know the plans I have for you says the Lord...good ones...prosperous ones...with hope and a future...God's not done with you either, and I feel as if God has even grander things planned for you...his faithful daughter!

About Me

My wife and I are learning from others that living ideally in a close knit community, reaching out to others and being debt free are important. Sharing stories and inspiring people to be the best that they can be. We enjoy music, poetic lyrics and art.
Art and words (spoken), any way you look at it, is an expression of someone's inner workings, what is actually being brought out into the light of day, either on canvas or on paper. We enjoy moments of self reflection as we pick up a pencil, paint brush or camera. It is actually liberating to turn the TV off and walk into creation...and get your hands dirty.