Former Molester Offers Touching Apology

Twice-convicted sexual offender Chester Dryden broke a three year silence this weekend to talk with the press and offer a touching apology about his crimes.

“When I think back on my actions, I know I really rubbed some people the wrong way,” admitted Dryden. “It’s hard to grope – I mean grasp – the impact my actions had on others.”

Dryden’s crimes reached brief notoriety in 2015 when newspapers dubbed him “The Georgia Grabber.” His calling card was a greasy palm print left on the right back pocket of white pants, and his stated motive was reminding people not to wear white pants after Labor Day.

Dryden claims to be rehabilitating well in prison. He works in the kitchen and plans to open a bakery when he gets out in 2020.

He added, “I don’t want to hurt people anymore, so I found a more productive outlet for touching buns.”