Words on the journey of raising a boy who eschews many social “boy” labels, and empowering him along the way.

Confessions, part 3

As Q gets older, life becomes more complex (of course). I’ve found that it’s become harder to advocate for him as his challenges have become harder to pin down, more subtle, and sometimes more ambiguous. For instance, Q has expressed a feeling of invisibility at school and the sense that folks just “don’t get” him. But it’s subtle. He’s not down and out there at every turn. And many have said he seems happier this year than last. But something isn’t right for him. He has a hard time articulating it (after all, he’s only just 10), and that leaves me having a hard time trying to rearticulate it. Or to make meaning of it. And then, harder still, to try to help others make meaning of all of this. It’s no longer just watching out for my little boy in a dress. With growth comes change, and complexity, and navigating the more complex layers of life with and for Q has been quite something (something of a challenge? something of a heartbreak at times?).

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I think my son had similar feelings in 9th grade (being invisible, being a little fish in a big pond, etc), and ended up acting out in a childish attempt to stand out.
I assume you work closely with Q’s school, reach out to them and it’s my hope that you can aviod what my son when through (arrests, court appearances, living in a group home, probation, etc)

I had a lot of the feeling invisible in school, too. And I went through a lot of the bullying. And I did change some of my outward appearance to make things easier for myself. That was good in some ways and bad in some ways but I got through it. I’m in grad school now and finally decided to “fully transition” because, well… it was easier. It was easier in the end to transition to male instead of banging my head into a metaphorical wall every time I walked out of the house.

Some things will get a lot easier. Q will, most likely, end up with some kind of queer community online. And articulating things will get easier because there will be more words and more nuance to those words. And then comes the frustration because the rest of the world isn’t eye-deep in gender theory like you are. But at least things are a little clearer for you.

And maybe Q will decide “you know what, screw it, this is too much work.” Maybe Q will cross dress, or transition, or maybe Q will say “screw it, this is who I am.”

But whatever in the world happens it isn’t your doing, positive or negative. You’ve done with your job is as a parent. Your kid CLEARLY knows you are there for them and you support them. Keep doing that. Try not to be disappointed if they decide on hoodies and jeans for middle school. It’s not a failure. Try not to be too nervous if those hoodies have pink zippers and flowers on them. It’s not a failure.