Justin Bieber has announced his retirement during an interview with Power 106 in Los Angeles and judging from the picture above, he’s leaving to travel into space with his team of oil drillers in an attempt to save humanity from a rogue comet. From The Daily News:

The 19-year-old superstar went on Power 106, a Los Angeles hip hop station, and said his next album, “Journals,” will be his last.

Of course this could be bullsh*t because Bieber is currently one of the biggest stars on the planet. The idea of him retiring at nineteen probably sends a chill down the spine of the record executives/leeches hoping to see him make a jump to TV and film.

It’s a dream come true for someone like me though. Not only do I get to report on the possible speculation behind why a chodling like Bieber would want to retire, but I also get to revel in the schadenfreude when fans, like the girl in the Vine below, lose their minds because Bieber could be leaving.

My official verdict on the matter? He’s trying to promote his album in a way that could possible outdo Beyonce, which is impossible. It smells as fake today as it did back in 2012. My dream verdict? He’s the only one with a body small enough to climb into the comet’s crater and detonate the series of explosives in time to save the planet.

Pretty much. He’s not crazy enough for Buscemi, although I could see him fucking up the mission by being a complete asshole. He could also just be the guy who gets shot off into space due to the comet being unstable.

But I see him as the guy we convince to stay behind and save humanity, even though our technology is advanced enough that he wouldn’t need to do so. Kill a baby bird with one big stone.

did you expect him not to want to retire? he does all of this good shit to make media happy and then he does one thing BECAUSE HE’S A TEENAGER and he gets shit for it. Media is basically trying to make him seem like bad person. Media has finally shut him out. Maybe instead of being assholes and THRIVING for something bad to say about him look at all the shit he does for other people. he is a good person media just obviously doesnt care.. just think of it. how would you feel if your whole life was recorded by camera’s everywhere you went. you get no privacy.

Bieber is a pretty shitty person. What, did you just ignore every bit of news on him over the past couple of years? His antics haven’t been just teens being teens, it’s been shitheads being shitheads. It was reasonable to defend him early in his career, when he was getting hated on solely for being an overexposed teen pop giant, but he’s past that now. Now he keeps doing shit that would get any other teen arrested, and you’re defending him for it!

We were all teenagers once, Beiber is just a dumb rich immature adult now. You cant make excuses when someone is over the age of 18, hes an adult. He has bodyguards and security following him everywhere, of course he thinks he can fight anyone. If he were living like the rest of us he would be in jail or have all his teeth kicked in by now acting like that.

I won’t be surprised if this turns into one of the arcs on Season 4 of Game of Thrones:

Joffrey announces his stepping down from power, only to say “sike, bitches!” and have Tyrion, Arya, and Brienne publicly executed in a penultimate episode that makes the Red Wedding look like Full House.

did you expect him not to want to retire? he does all of this good shit to make media happy and then he does one thing BECAUSE HE’S A TEENAGER and he gets shit for it. Media is basically trying to make him seem like bad person. Media has finally shut him out. Maybe instead of being assholes and THRIVING for something bad to say about him look at all the shit he does for other people. he is a good person media just obviously doesnt care.. just think of it. how would you feel if your whole life was recorded by camera’s everywhere you went. you get no privacy.

We need to plan a doomsday shelter for just such an occasion. I’ll bring the beer, you bring the nachos & we’ll hunker down & wait it all out while the Beleebers & the One-Directioners slaughter each other.

What if the Beleebers tried to forcibly circumcise the One-Directioners, only to realize that none of them possess male genitalia? Would the universe explode? Would this be like the picture of the hand drawing the hand?

This has to be the most stupidest article I’ve ever read. Not to break your heart but he’s not retiring so ha. You guys can’t take a little sarcasm? Boohoo you don’t like him. But I’m sorry mr editor it’s not about you. He has 47 million fans all around the world. And just cause you hear all that bad shit on tv or radio or magazine does not mean he’s really like that. How come you never see good things about him? Cause the people would find it boring to read or see duhhh! So what do they do? They trash talk justin everyday . But us beliebers know that he’s not this monster media has made him out to be.

Wait… did he get the HIV from being bitten by the monkey-love-child he abandoned in Europe? Or was it from the dirty girl in South America he gave nice gifts to so she would do butt sex? Wait, was it from the spit-shined tattoo gun they used for his hard-as-f*ck bro-bro ink? So many possibilities…

Pretty sure you guys are right. Poor little tyke is all tuckered out from banging prostitutes in South America and his syphylitic brain is getting the best of him. Don’t worry, his keepers will keep wheeling him out there to feed their own bank accounts. He can’t quit, he has an army of enablers to feed.

“My dream verdict? He’s the only one with a body small enough to climb into the comet’s crater and detonate the series of explosives in time to save the planet.”
I think we’re all dead in this scenario.

oh another article with grown men talking shit about this kid they shouldnt care about…sweet. and look another pissy comment about how much he doesnt care about the article…then why comment asshat!!! jeez, get a life

awesome! a sarcastic and possibly ironic response at my own pointless comment. mocking my own drivel while at the same time participating in my awful attempt at humor. man we sure no how to win at internetting.. [i.imgur.com]

I have it on good authority from a friend of mine who runs security at a club that Bieber is in to drugs-heavier than pot. When you look at his weird attitude, and the sunglasses in the day time it makes a lot of sense.

Hopefully this means he has a lot more free time to melt down publicly, I unabashedly love that shit. Plus it means more posts like this one where the bizarre Bieber defenders com out of the woodwork and make my day.