Monday, November 3, 2008

From the BSNYC Culture Desk: BSNYC Attends a Movie Premiere

Over the weekend, a large number of people emailed me photos of unretired professional cyclist, cancer activist, tall bike enthusiast, and reformed marathon runner Lance Armstrong at the Tour de Gruene. The Tour de Gruene is a time trial in Gruene, Texas, which also (according to its website) features "oompah bands, lederhosen, and abundant Bavarian food and drink." Armstrong is a noted fan of oompah music (he has been known to sit in occasionally with an Austin band called the Oompah-Loompas), and he's also riddent the Tour de Gruene in the past, so it was no surprise to find him there. The big question on everybody's lips, though, was of course: "Will Armstrong wear lederhosen this time?"

I for one was hopeful, so I was excited to see the photos. Here we see Armstrong emerging tentatively from his car, checking for photographers. (Apart from the nutjob with the camcorder in the grassy knoll and the person who took the actual photo, the coast appears to be clear:)

Finally, though, Armstrong (emboldened by the distant sounds of his beloved oompah music perhaps) summoned the courage to show himself. Unfortunately, though, he wasn't wearing lederhosen at all. He was just wearing some crappy t-shirt:

The only possible explanation for Armstrong's clothing choice is that it was laundry day, and when he opened his t-shirt drawer all that was left was this one and his old Letle Viride World Tour '89 raglan tee with the hole dangerously close to the nipple area. Also, judging from the sunglasses and the rest of the photos, which show Armstrong hanging with Steve Hed, I wouldn't be surprised if they were both coming straight off an all-nighter at Shane Stock's house. In any case, he only had a few moments to collect himself before the autograph hounds came:

Incidetally, Armstrong did win both the ITT and the TTT, though with regard to his ITT victory he said he was only "moderately pleased" and that he "wasn't ecstatic." I like to think that the shirt confered upon him the power to find something negative in a positive situation. After all, that is how I approach my own endeavors. When life gives some people lemons, they make lemonade, but when life gives me delicious ripe oranges I squeeze the citric acid out of them and pour it into my eyes. Though I will say I was pleased to see Armstrong racing his bike this weekend instead of running the New York City marathon. Even if he didn't race in lederhosen.

Speaking of disappointment, last night was the New York City premiere of Macaframa, and I decided to attend. If you don't know what Macaframa means, I can't help you, because I still don't know. All I know is it's a highly stylized movie in which people in subtly different outfits ride their fixed-gear bicycles around San Francisco to musical accompaniment. I'd been seeing snippets from this movie for many months now, so when I learned it would be shown in my own hometown I figured it was my responsibility to check it out.

I proceeded to a place called Arlo and Esme on East. 1st Street in Mahattan, which New York Magazine says offers "coffee by day and coffee cocktails at night." Personally, I like my cocktails without any coffee, and I like them day or night, so I was already concerned. The flyer for the event had said "first come first serve," so I did my best to get there late in hopes that I might be turned away. My hopes were bolstered by the fact that the entire block was encrusted with fixed-gear bicycles like barnacles on a jetty:

The closer I got to the venue, the more severe the bicycle-clumping became:

In urban fixed-gear terminology, this is what's known as a "bike carbuncle:"

To my horror, they were even hanging from the trees:

Unfortunately, despite the fact that the venue was obviously going to be packed, I was granted access. (A bouncer duly checked my driver's license, which I have cunningly amended to fool people into thinking I'm actually over 21.) I made my way downstairs just as the film began and took my place at the back of the crowd, where I hoped not to attract any attention. (In an attempt at disguising myself, I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, and I hadn't showered since participating in a cyclocross race the day before):

Despite the poor vantage point, I could see enough to determine that this was no ordinary fixed-gear movie. Indeed, it was actually an ordinary fixed-gear movie with a much higher quotient of 60s and 70s rock music than I had expected. And while "Venus in Furs" by the Velvet Underground isn't exactly the sort of music you'd expect to accompany aggressive urban fixed-gear riding, it did work with the San Francisco gingerbread-house backdrop, as well as with the frequent shots of clouds and waving alfalfa fields or whatever they were. Bemused, I sought a slightly better vantage point:

Believe it or not, I could see pretty well from here, but despite this, I began to grow a bit bored. Firstly, while some might find watching people ride down steep San Francisco hills on brakeless fixed-gear bikes thrilling, I find it kind of ridiculous. The frantic spinning coupled with the upright position (short stems are the new long stems) of most of the riders makes high-speed riding look comical--it's like watching old-timey baseball footage. Secondly, while I'm not particularly impressed by most fixed-gear trick riding, I'm completely sick of those goofy elephant trunk leg-over-the-bar skids, and this movie has them in abundance. They're like the PBR of fixed-gear freestyling and it's growing tiresome. Of course, in other respects the fixed-gear culture has moved on. It turns out my dirty-person-wearing-a-hoodie costume was thoroughly out of date, as the new look appears to be flat-brim caps and puffy coats:

Ah yes, ideal riding apparel.

At this point, I decided I was going to need help getting through the film, so I sought assistance in the form of alcohol. Fortunately, the bar was right behind me, and there was no line since everyone else was riveted by the film. It looked eerily like that bar in "The Shining:"

I ordered a Guinness, since those take a long time to serve properly and I figured waiting for it to settle would help kill some time. I then returned to my place and promptly drank it in about three gulps. Going...

Going...

Gone.

Meanwhile, the movie played on, and a pattern evolved. A new rider would be introduced, then he'd spin really fast down a really steep hill, then a song would kick in and he'd dodge some cars, pull some skids, do some wheelies, or jump over some things. When it comes to the technical aspects of moviemaking, I'm fairly ignorant, though I will say that to me the movie did look very professional. Actually, it was kind of like watching a commercial for California tourism in that it was pretty but otherwise fairly uneventful. As it drew to a close, I realized that for all the music and outfits and Golden Gate Bridge shots it would also be interesting to see a movie like this that gives the viewer a little insight into who these riders are. Then again, I suppose that's asking too much, since this sort of thing is essentially soft-core bike porn. Also, the place was packed, and everyone else seemed to really enjoy it, since they were pretty much watching themselves.

After the movie, I swiftly moved through the crowd since I wanted to go home and watch "Little Britain," and I was among the first people to the vast bicycle parking lot that E. 1st St. had become.

The Ironic Orange Julius Bike was easy to find, since it was the only one with brakes and without expensive anodized hubs. (My hubs are cheap and badly oxidized and basically look like rotting apple cores.) Most of the other bikes only looked crappy at a glance but were in fact very expensive. Except for this one, with the requisite Obama spoke card:

Until last night, I was still undecided with regard to the Presidential election, but that spoke card may have clinched my vote.

At any rate, if you like watching people ride fixed-gear bikes you'll most likely enjoy Macaframa. I'm probably not the target audience, but they seem to have done a good job. You'll also probably enjoy the upcoming "Empire," which involves none other than Prolly and is already getting lots of attention. Thanks to all these movies fixed-gear cyclists are fast cementing their reputation as urban daredevils. Ultimately, I'm sure we'll see a feature-length, mainstream film. It will probably be just like "Quicksilver," except none of the characters will be messengers.

Wait a minute, you saw an Obama spoke card? And you say you were in New York City when this happened? Manhattan, no less... That's sheer craziness. As an expression of raw, F-You individuals, that's like being a salmon swimming upstream during spawning season.

I have nothing but awe and respect for the way fixed gear hipsters stay ahead of the trends and avoid sheepishly following everybody else.

I love the totally pathetic attempt at a remount at about 1:08 in the "Empire" trailer. 'Cross racers they are not; even Lance would put them to shame in this field. Anyway very happy with the nice long Monday post.

I used to think that shirt was cool and in fact I still think that shirt is cool but now I would not wear that shirt even if I had that shirt because now Lance has worn that shirt and now I don't want to wear that shirt.

Now I am thinking of all the people I would rather see wearing that shirt. Merckx. Cipo. Phil Liggett. Nicole Cooke.

Don't you have any respect for the privacy of the fixies in the tree? They are MATING. If you read up on their reproductive behavior, all bikes do it in trees. Except possibly recumbents, but they have never been observed mating.

Anyway, I have made the necessary alterations to the photo to make it safe for work

empire looks gayer than macaframa. i am wondering what the point of holding onto a truck or car is w/a fixed gear? i can see pushing off a bit, but holding on? doesn't make sense, done to imply danger, which it doesn't. i hate folks who ride in trafffic for the hell of it. messngers: yes. commuters: yes. hipster jack off idiots bombing in and out of traffic and pedestrians cuz they think its cool: no.

Will you dish on Saul Raisin who according to cyclingnews.com, after finishing the NYC Marathon, has avowed to do an Ironman distance triathlon? When they are too trashed to ride, is this where professional riders go?

Of course it was originally 'endeavour', but there is only one correct spelling in the New Country, as you no doubt still refer to it. Please don't confuse the general, non-grammarian readership with trite colloquialisms.

And C.Ass, don't mistake my helping Snob by pointing out the errors of his ways. I truly believe he appreciates it, and cringes at corrections, as he is normally quite fastidious (and correct) in his spelling and diction.

It's gonna be sick when a "Fast and the Furious" for bikes comes out... It'll star Zach Efron as the naive but tough-as-nails undercover cop, and Jered Leto as the troubled street-savvy messenger/musician. There'll be cameos by Johnny Knoxville as Sharky, the veteran messenger with a soft side; Christopher Bridges (aka Ludacris) as Prolly; and Lance Armstrong will play the love interest: RTMS.

Aside from the weak riding, there is something distasteful about people who feel the need to document themselves that makes these videos even tougher to stomach. I know from experience that skateboarding was compromised around the time video cameras grew prevalent and dipshits started showing up at "sessions" insisting on taping your every last ollie. At the time I naively tried to fuck up the footage with lewd gestures, but that just became part of the whole urban culture industry formula. I sort of thank god that I am getting old.

" ... I know from experience that skateboarding was compromised around the time video cameras grew prevalent and dipshits started showing up at "sessions" insisting on taping your every last ollie. At the time I naively tried to fuck up the footage with lewd gestures, but that just became part of the whole urban culture industry formula. I sort of thank god that I am getting old."

Those "dipshits" were more likely pedophiles than skateboard video-makers. Your 'story' reeks of bullshit.

what a bunch of bullshit they gots the christmas decorations up at the cracker barrel i hung around there for about 2 hours until they made me leave it was more interesting than the shit your writing about id order the french toast but i dont order nothing that gots to do with no fucking frenchman

reading your bs rant and rave with your "i'm so uncool that i'm cool" p.o.v and i ask myself, "why in the hell were you there?"

a)you're just as curious as the rest of us to see what people are creating, or b) you're just that lame to go out in the cold (on a sunday night), wait in line (i was cool enough not to), stand (i was super comfy on the couch), take horrible pictures (i was in them not taking them) and then write about what a shitty time you had. it looks to me like you're caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

if you don't like the way something is done...do it better. if not, at least offer some constructive criticism otherwise you just look like an idiot.

i have a feeling i'll be seeing you at the "empire" release...and by the way...keep talking about it because it's great free press! :)

Good to hear from you, and thank you for your comment. Since your question seems sincere, I'm happy to answer. Obviously I was curious about the movie or I wouldn't have gone. Please know that when I write about what a "shitty time" I have someplace I really mean for the joke to be on me. If you weren't amused then either I did a bad job or this blog is not for you--or most likely it's a combination of both.

As far as "constructive criticism," as I said in the post I thought the movie looked very pretty and professional but personally I would have liked to at least learned a bit more about the people I was watching. (I might even have liked to see some female riders too--in fact some other audience members seemed to feel the same way.) And while I certainly wouldn't say I'm doing something better, I am doing something my own way, which is writing this blog.

At any rate, it wasn't particularly cold last night, and I really don't mind taking a leisurely ride into the city on a Sunday evening, having a drink, taking some bad photos, and riding back home. Riding and writing is what I do. Also, there was no line when I got there--I walked right in. Sorry you didn't enjoy the post, but I enjoyed writing it, maybe a few people even enjoyed reading it, and, yes, the filmmakers got some publicity. And it didn't cost anybody anything. (Except I did pay for the beer.)

But if someone really wanted to document an overlooked cycling subgroup, they'd take a look at the intrepid folks riding around the city with bags of food hanging on their handlebars.

It could be called "Empire Szechuan."

What? Too much set up for a line with too little pay off? Sorry, the whole election thing has got me distracted.

Everybody go vote.

Except that french guy, ant1. And you too, commiecanuck and Bluenoser; didn't you guys in Canada just have an election?. Oh and AndyPandy in Oz, unless of course, you're an ex-pat. And that Russian accent guy....

Now who says New Yorkers ain't real Americans? Here I am telling folks it's important to vote and then tellimg some folks they can't.

What could be more American than that?

Heck, I'm feeling so American, I'm getting the urge to field dress a moose.

Wonder if moose prefer taffeta to something a bit more substantial with a structured shoulder?

Hmmmph. I should have paid more attention when my remote got stuck on "Project Runway."

Via CommieCanuckQ:How many messengers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:Four. One to change the bulb, one to realize bulbs don't work unless you pay the electric bill, and the third to borrow the money for said bill from his mom. The fourth one just stands around in coffee shops.

ok first of all, i hate when people say "top ten" for the 1000th time. where are the math skills? but on a positive note i appreciate that you mentioned Little Britain, because i and my girlfriend have been basically addicted to the BBC series of late. i'm so glad that my sense of toilet humour has been translated for television. glad to hear that your taste is impeccable as is mine.

everyone is such a hateful insecure douche in these times.... I will ride my track bike on the street in sf b/c I want to...I enjoy it. I dress how I like and do as I like. People can say what they like. It is just sad how many people are bitter with life. The fact that I am called a hipster because I am 28 and ride a fixed gear is funny. But go for it. I put myself through college. And most professional office workers are insecure gadget obsessed twirps that comment on anything to feel better about themselves. BSNYC is funny... I hate the internet though. Good bye Jesus.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!