2 more members join a society on the move

July 12, 2009|By John Kass

I'm going on staycation this week, but soon after returning from tending my tomatoes and taking afternoon naps, I'll be cooking Kass' Beer Can Chicken for 100 lucky loyal Tribune subscribers, and we'll drink beer and talk politics and anything else. Details at the end of this space.

But first, let's welcome two new members into the Society of the PLMSRCS. Everybody knows this snappy acronym: the Society of People Lord Mayor Shortshanks Really Can't Stand.

One is David Hoffman, the city's inspector general. Mayor Richard Daley appointed him to investigate City Hall corruption. Trouble is, Hoffman is good at his job.

He obeyed a federal judge and investigated City Hall job transfers. A Daley aide resigned after Hoffman said the aide lied to investigators.

Now Hoffman's credibility is under attack, and the mayor is all smiles. If Hoffman opens his mouth, the mayoral attack dogs will accuse him of playing politics and drag him into the mud. The mayor knows he can't get rid of Hoffman without first getting rid of Hoffman's stellar reputation.

"If I say something, then you say, 'Mayor Daley is not the reformer; he's fighting the reformer [Hoffman],'" Daley said last week in a blurt of paranoia. "I'm more of a reformer than anyone else, in regards to the people's money and the City of Chicago."

He's more of a reformer than anyone? Thank you, sir, may I please have another?

Now, let's honor another guy with a political target on his back. My friend Chalkie. He doesn't say much. Chalkie's the silent type.

He's starring on a killer T-shirt just as the mayor hopes to spend billions on the Olympics, though taxpayers are already squeezed dry and violence holds some neighborhoods hostage.

Naturally, the Chalkie T-shirt is a must-have item. He may even be cooler than my Obama Chia heads, both the Happy and the Determined, upon whose terra cotta scalps I'm growing my lush crop of Hopium.

Don't you just love Chalkie? I sure do.

Chalkie is the creation of someone who knows the guy who runs the Second City Cop blog. Somebody ratted Chalkie out to the U.S. Olympic Committee, which then sicced its lawyers on Chalkie. The Chalkie T-shirt went off the market before I could score a couple in XXL.

"We used Chalkie as a throwaway gag on the blog," wrote Second City Cop's blogger in an e-mail, adding that the Chalkie T-shirt was intended to raise money for the families of fallen officers. "Chalkie ran into the humorless buzz saw of Olympic lawyers."

The real police who make the arrests lost confidence in Daley years ago. They know he doesn't have their backs, they're undermanned, and they're working without a contract. They're exhausted. Chalkie is the expression of their weariness.

Many politicians probably wish they had a Chalkie T-shirt to sleep in, so they could at least dream about walking upright and free, like those plucky, bandy-legged Scots in the movie "Braveheart" who defied the evil King Longshanks of England.

Chicago politicians wouldn't dare defy King Shortshanks of Chicago. They saw the movie. They know what happens. And they're not about to shout "Freedom!"

Chalkie would cry Freedom. If only he could talk.

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As part of the Tribune's get-to-know-the-writers series, I've agreed to cook my famous Beer Can Chicken, and Wings might cook his special treats, for 100 Tribune print subscribers. We'll raffle off some grills and teach you how do the chicken. But first you must register at www.chicagotribune.com/kassbbq. The event will be held on Aug. 1, from noon to 3 p.m., at the beautiful Cantigny Golf facility in Wheaton. The cost is only $15. All proceeds will be donated to Chicago Tribune Charities. Copious food, beer, Wings and me for only $15? What a deal. Space is limited, so register soon. Hope to see you there.