Scientists say all men watch porn

Canadian scientists have been thwarted in their attempt to watch porn and get paid for it because they couldn’t find any research subjects who’d never watched it.

Researchers at the University of Montreal were planning a study comparing the attitudes of men in their twenties who had never been watched pornography with those who used it regularly. But, sadly, their ground-breaking research project had to be dumped when they failed to find any men who had exerted enough self-control to be in the control group.

“We started our research seeking men in their twenties who had never consumed pornography,” said Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse, “But we couldn’t find any.”

But Lajeunesse wasn’t to be discouraged and carried on anyway in a bid to find out more. He interviewed heterosexual male students and found that, on average, they first watched pornography when they were 10 years old. 90 per cent used the internet, the remainder preferring the more traditional video approach.

The average unattached subject said he watched for 40 minutes three times a week, while those in relationships were more restrained, watching 1.7 times a week for 20 minutes, presumably stopping when their girlfriends came home.

Lajeunesse says pornography does not have a negative effect on men’s sexuality and that the subjects’ sexual appetites were ‘quite conventional’, although he didn’t go into detail.

“Pornography hasn’t changed their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as harmonious and fulfilling as possible,” he adds. So that’s OK then.

If there’s anyone out there who genuinely hasn’t used porn, please get in touch and we’ll pass your details on to Professor Lajeunesse.