Hardly Working / Bill Murray

Pat meets the star of "Rushmore," "Ghostbusters," and his worst nightmare.

Script

Hardly Working: Bill Murray

By Owen Parsons

INT. CH OFFICE
MURPH, KEVIN & EMILY work super-intensely at their
computers, wearing green eyeshades and typing away furiously
like 50's accountants. Pat enters. His back is to us.
EMILY
Pat, where have you been? It's
10AM, work started seven hours ago.
PAT
Sorry I'm late, guys, I... ran into
Bill Murray.
EMILY/MURPH/KEVIN
(standing)
WHAT? / Amazing! / What happened?
Pat turns, revealing black eye, split lip, bruises.
PAT
He beat the shit out of me.
EMILY
Oh my god! Tell us about it!
PAT
I was crossing the street by my
apartment, and he just came out of
nowhere and hit me. And he kept
hitting me. Over and over. I
screamed for help but no one came.
KEVIN
Did he say anything?
PAT
When I was bleeding on the ground,
he leaned down and whispered "No
one will ever believe you."
ALL BUT PAT
Wowwwwwww...
PAT
Then he spit in my ear. And left.
MURPH
CLASSIC Murray. I'm so jealous.
EMILY
Right? He shows up out of nowhere
and everyone's all like "Bill
Murray!" and then he's gone. Like
he's this mysterious comedy god. I
can't believe you got to meet him!
PAT
Were you listening? He kicked my
ass! I mean he literally kicked me
in the ass likes seventy times. My
ass is shattered.
KEVIN
You must have been so surprised.
PAT
I was when he snuck up behind me
and smashed my head into a mailbox.
EMILY
Mmm, doesn't Bill always sneak up
on you, though? Remember Lost in
Translation?
MURPH
Oh my god, yes, who saw that role
coming? Just "wow," am I right?
KEVIN
I love Life Aquatic.
EMILY
Me too! Let's watch the trailer!
They gather around the laptop. Pat slams it closed.
PAT
Doesn't anyone care that something
horrendous just happened to me?
EMILY
Really? What?
PAT
Bill Murray broke my leg in six
places!
Reveal: Pat’s left leg is in a cast.
PAT
I still don't know where my kneecap
is!
KEVIN
Whoa! He signed your cast?
PAT
No, I-
(seeing)
oh god. Oh god. He must have
followed me to the hospital.
He turns his leg to show the signature. It says "SEE YOU
TOMORROW -BILL" in creepy red lettering. Everyone gasps.
EMILY
Jesus, is that a Groundhog's Day
reference?
MURPH
How fucking off the chain is that?
PAT
He's coming back. He's going to
kill me.
MURPH
Yeah, he slays me, too. Remember
Osmosis Jones? The chimp egg bit?
PAT
Goddamnit, not everything Bill
Murray does is a comedy!
EMILY
Broken Flowers was more of a
dramedy.
PAT
No! This is not funny in any way!
KEVIN
Like Garfield?
PAT
(grabbing Kevin)
He pinned me down, wrapped his belt
around my neck, and pressed his
thumbs into my eyes for two hours!
KEVIN
(knowing)
Like Garfield.
PAT
(snapping)
No! Bill Murray assaulted me.
He's stalking me. And he's
probably going to kill me. I'm
going to die, and there's nothing
funny about it!
Kevin, Murph & Emily stare, struggling with the concept.
EMILY/MURPH/KEVIN
(speaking out of unison)
Bill... Murray... NOT... funny?
PAT
YES!
Beat. Their eyes widen.
MURPH
Oh my god!
PAT
Finally!
MURPH
(pointing)
Bill Murray!
Pat turns around just as BILL MURRAY (back to camera)is
swings a bat at his head. It connects, Pat goes down off
camera.
EMILY
Mr. Murray. Huge fan.
Bill swings the bat down. We hear Pat cry out.
MURPH
I watch my City of Ember DVD every
night.
Bill swings the bat down. Pat does not cry out.
KEVIN
What's it like working with Wes
Anderson?
Bill swings the bat down again.
EMILY
(pointing to Pat's body)
Can I be next?
END.