Reversing Pew

I served shrimp at my wedding and enjoyed Saturdays at the mall. I didn’t know any better. But I do now.

I didn’t grow up religious. Like many other American Jewish children, I had a bat mitzvah at age 13. Enjoyed Seders and matzah crackers at Passover. Lit the menorah and got presents during the eight nights of Hanukkah. But I was fully immersed in secular life – attending public schools where I was the only Jewish kid in the class. Sharing occasional church services and Easter egg hunts with friends. Serving shrimp cocktails at my wedding. Enjoying Saturdays at the mall.

I didn’t know any better. Neither did my parents.

But now I do.

The results of a recent study by the Pew Research Center, called Portrait of Jewish Americans, revealed that 60 percent of Jews intermarry, and one in five Jews considers themselves to have no religion. Most, according to the report, say Judaism is only about culture and ancestry. That was once me and everyone I knew.

Until I discovered that the Judaism I knew wasn’t really Judaism at all. It was a watered down version of religion, with all the meat and meaning removed for the sake of being politically, socially and culturally correct.

I discovered that the Judaism I knew wasn’t really Judaism at all.

But it was this lack of meaning and authenticity that left me feeling spiritually empty and searching for something different. My brother married outside our religion, as did my husband’s brother and all of our relatives.

Our children are the last remaining Jews on both sides of the family. So I realized that raising them the way we had been raised was pointless. If you’re going to be Jewish, I thought, there must be more to it.

And then, I had the amazing privilege to share a Shabbat dinner with a Chabad rabbi and his family. And nothing would ever be the same again.

The sounds and smells and spirituality oozed from that holy experience. There were songs and prayers and meaningful stories. They didn’t pretend to be anything other than who they are – Torah observant, God-fearing Jews. I literally fell in love with my religion, and realized that what I had been searching for in other religions existed in my own.

My husband and I did not share the same zeal and intensity when it came to diving into a religious Jewish life. I saw how I wanted us to live, and I wanted to make drastic changes overnight. We were encouraged to take it slowly, that every single new mitzvah is an accomplishment and stands completely on its own.

The next Friday, for the first time in my life, I was aware that a special and magical time was approaching – Shabbat. I purchased a challah from the grocery store, and dusted off the prayer book I had received many years earlier for my Bat Mitzvah. From the drawer, I took out an unopened box of white Shabbat candles that had been given to me. Before that night, they didn’t seem relevant to my life. I cooked chicken soup and we sat down together for a quiet dinner as a family. And together, my husband and I discovered what Shabbat could be.

It was a great start, but it only made me crave more. Things I felt had been withheld from me – intentionally or unintentionally – it didn’t matter. It was my birthright to be part of it – yet I knew almost nothing about it. We learned little by little. And we continue to learn.

I devoured information from the Internet, took on a learning partner, looked to my rebbetzin as the first real mentor and role model I had ever had – as a Jewish woman, wife and mother living a Jewish life devoted to goodness and Godliness.

It was a constant back and forth dance, removing something from our lives – like pork and shellfish – and replacing them with new and meaningful mitzvahs.

Over the years, it was a constant back and forth dance, removing something from our lives – like pork and shellfish – and replacing them with new and meaningful mitzvahs. Our children were very young during this transition and didn’t really understand. Our parents, on the other hand, looked on in disbelief as we changed the way we lived. The Torah teaches, above all, to treat others well. In hindsight, we should have been more loving and less judgmental in our journey.

Flash forward seven years later, and most people would never know we have not been observant Jews all our lives. It is a natural part of who we are and how we live.

We now live in the religious Jewish community of Toco Hills. You may have seen us on Saturdays, walking to synagogue, along with throngs of other observant Jewish families who don’t drive, work or use electronics on this holy day.

This life has become completely ingrained into who I am and how I am raising my children. Being Jewish is infused into all they do and they are comfortable and confident in their identity. We teach them to be humble and modest. To do the right thing even when no one is watching. We teach them about the rules of keeping kosher and Shabbat and dressing and acting modestly. That it’s never okay to say something negative about other people. Ever.

Some things are simply off limits, and that’s a good thing. Children want boundaries. They want a life of meaning and connectedness.

So when I heard about the results of the Pew study, and the buzz from people seeming to gloat about how American Jews can blend into their culture and surroundings, I felt a little sad for all the Jews who have never really learned what it means to be Jewish.

It’s an unbelievably beautiful and special privilege. And it’s an unbelievably important and challenging responsibility. We are meant to serve as a light unto the nations. An example of goodness and Godliness.

There is an important movement in Judaism that went undetected in the recent Pew study – it’s not one of the well-known denominations – but I imagine it’s growing even faster. It’s called the Baal Teshuvah movement. Thousands of Jews each year come back to their Judaism, picking back up again where their great grandparents left off. Here in Toco Hills, I am surrounded by these people. For us, Judaism is a constant source of learning and growth. The religious Jewish schools and synagogues are overflowing. Classes abound for adults, and we constantly strive to be better Jews, and better human beings.

Getting to this point has not been easy; my husband and I literally stepped out of one world and into another. When we leave the house and go out into the world, it is obvious from our clothing and our head coverings that we stand for something. And I hope it is obvious from our behavior as well.

I am thankful to have gotten here, but I realize that we have to continue to work at making our lives spiritual and bringing God into our lives.

I have learned that religious practice and rituals should not be shunned – even, or especially, in a modern world. It creates an important spiritual framework for our lives and strengthens our family. I haven’t always done things right but each moment I have a chance to start over – to be a better mom, a better wife, and a better Jew. It’s a huge privilege and responsibility that I don’t take lightly. I’m grateful to have discovered that, and to rediscover it every day.

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About the Author

Mindy Rubenstein is a freelance journalist living in Atlanta, GA, with her husband and children. She also owns Tree of Life!, a small business helping Jewish and non-profit organizations with writing, editing and design.

Visitor Comments: 21

(19)
Esther Cook,
March 9, 2015 7:08 AM

Teshuva from Christian

I had it better and worse in that I was raised Orthodox Christian. This is a more Spiritual and ancient form of Christianity and I felt much closer to Orthodox Jews than the superficial, dogmatic PapoProtestant "Christians."My mother was raised atheist, but a Jewish heart yearns for God and at Bat Mitzvah age (12), she was baptized. She died a fervent Christian.Doesn't matter," said a Conservative Jewess very firmly, one Shabbat at kiddish. "She was Jewish all her life." Oh, she was! She was a fanatic zionist and she bought my daughter Jewish storybooks. I learned recently that she had volunteered for the IDF as a young adult. They turned her down because she was Christian.well, in my 50's I started exploring my Jewish heritage. What a revelation! I become a little more observant all the time and my Ivrit is getting better and I can almost keep up with the Kedusha now. I am happier.I had long yearned to have a tribe. That was because I do. All Jews everywhere are my family. I rejoice in them all.

(18)
roxanne,
February 11, 2015 6:43 PM

Thank you for an inspirational article. Thank you also to Aish, Chabad,and brother and sister Jews who reach out with love and show the beauty and deep meaning of Judaism.

(17)
Yb,
November 21, 2013 12:23 PM

Lovely article

This was a great read for me, as a Jew who has lived both in the U.S. and Israel and met all kinds of different people in "our" community.
Though I'm not observant and even disbelieve in a supernatural God, knowing my heritage and being proud of my identity is a top priority for me. Learning the lessons of the Bible and the Talmud is something I so deeply enjoy and appreciate as I go to Torah group discussions every week.
To me what matters the most is being a good person and sometimes I even wish that a lot of good willing and loving people will convert to Judaism, as I believe the results of it could be positive in so many aspects

(16)
surie,
November 20, 2013 8:06 PM

what a change

I was moved to tears by your article. You and your husband must be special

people to have changed and adapted to Yiddiskiet so beutifully. May Hashem give much Yiddish nachas from your children. My husband and I live in Lakewood NJ. we would welcome you to come for a Shabbos, if your visting up North. No we are not Chabad, just a middle age couple, who loves company. You can reach me through my email .

PS I bake fresh challa every Friday morning.

Surie

(15)
Zahava,
November 20, 2013 7:40 AM

Not so fast!

You said: "...it’s never okay to say something negative about other people. Ever."

Actually, that is not correct. In fact, sometimes it is halachically *required* to say something negative about someone. Please ask your local Orthodox rabbi for clarification.

(14)
Miriam,
November 20, 2013 4:29 AM

You are never too old to make the change

My husband and I along with my son and daughter-in-law also found that the Judaism we had been practicing was very different from Torah observant Judaism. We also benefited from a wonderful Chabad rabbi zt"l, obtained learning partners and started going to Aish events and spent two weeks learning at the Aish Executive Learning Center in Jerusalem. We moved from the Washington DC suburbs of Virginia to the Washington DC suburbs of Maryland to live closer to observant Jews and to be within walking distance of shuls including Aish.

My husband and I were in our 50's when we made these changes 10 years ago and we are so happy we did. It was a gradual process where sometimes it was my husband initiating change and sometimes it was me.

Our son and daughter-in-law live in a nearby city and our granddaughter is the first child in 5 generations on both sides of our family to attend an Orthodox Jewish day school. We feel we are in a "minority of a minority" as far as the Pew study is concerned, but it is so much more beautiful to live a life dedicated to Hashem.

(13)
Saul Pillai,
November 20, 2013 1:39 AM

Thank you

Thank you for sharing your journey... Everything you wrote made so much sense and I especially liked this part... "The Torah teaches, above all, to treat others well. In hindsight, we should have been more loving and less judgmental in our journey."Somehow becoming judgmental (unintentionally) seems to be a pitfall for many who want to be observant and this same pitfall drives away many who are connected to people who are becoming observant....

(12)
Laurie,
November 19, 2013 8:31 PM

I am so happy for you and your family

Sometimes one part of a married couple becomes inspired yet one spouse doesn't. I'm sure you and your husband were on different pages in the beginning of your teshuva, but it seems you both grew significantly. While I'm sure you thank Hashem daily for your awareness and fuller life; don't forget to thank your husband for journeying with you. Btw, I am also a lucky wife.

Anonymous,
November 20, 2013 2:26 PM

Yes, I was not so fortunate. My husband was not interested at all.

I converted in 1973 but wanted more in the way of an orthodox lifestyle and to raise our children in a religious household and my husband was not interested at all. It will always remain a life long regret of mine. Yes, be very thankful that your partner in life is supportive. You are so fortunate. B"H

(11)
robin B,
November 19, 2013 5:51 PM

Jewish education is the answer. Jewish day school. authentic Jewish day school...

(10)
Anonymous,
November 19, 2013 4:24 PM

Loved this

Great article! So well said! Tizku l'mitzvos.

PS To 100%, I would say, everything is good, something is better than nothing, but the more you do, the more you feed a Jewish neshama and the more you understand, even if not consciously, about the beauty, power and responsibility of being a Jew.

(9)
Private name,
November 19, 2013 2:28 PM

I think the other problem is that so many Jews are so out to say who is and who isn't a Jew.. We attack each other devalue one another to the point that many just throw their hands in the air and say this isn't for me... it isn't that they don't have a longing, it isn't that they don't feel that inner calling... but until we ourselves stop killing and tearing each other down and become more welcoming ... many will continue to fade away because they don't feel the community wants them....

(8)
Alan,
November 18, 2013 4:44 PM

Fantasitc Article

Excellent article. I think the most important statement in this article by the author is this: "the Judaism I knew wasn’t really Judaism at all. It was a watered down version of religion, with all the meat and meaning removed for the sake of being politically, socially and culturally correct."

If we try to show our fellow Jews who have only seen the "watered down version" what the authentic version is really all about, we can positvely affect their lives and the lives of their descendents for many generations.

(7)
sharona,
November 18, 2013 8:01 AM

As Jews, we are entitled to know as much as we can about our heritage so that we can fulfill our mission, individually and nationally.

(6)
marc,
November 18, 2013 2:35 AM

it is never too late to start being closer to Hashem

All of us have a spark of g-dliness in us like a pilot light that never goes out. You only have to have the desire.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 17, 2013 11:03 PM

Does it have to be 100%?

Does becoming a religious Jew mean that you do the full monte or can it be a change of perspective more mitzvahs,Jewish education Torah studies etc?

sarah,
November 18, 2013 10:08 AM

One cannot become a "religious Jew" overnight. But that doesn't mean that if you don't do everything 100%, then there's no point in getting started. What we must look forward to is to come closer to G-d, to connect to Him, and to strive to do His will, one step at a time. And trust me, from personal experience, I can tell you that it's worth the effort!

(4)
Bracha Goetz,
November 17, 2013 10:39 PM

Great article!

(3)
Anonymous,
November 17, 2013 10:02 PM

wow!

this is SO inspiring! It is so commendable that you picked up your life and made this unbelievable choice! There is so much to learn from your actions and reading this really makes me smile. Thank you so much for writing this article!

(2)
Diane,
November 17, 2013 8:36 PM

I am inspired by your story-love Ba'al Teshuvah!

Mindy,I, too, grew up Reform and even helped devein shrimp for parties my parents gave. I didn't know what being Jewish was until I started Reform Sunday school in 2nd grade. I knew something was missing. I was the only kid in secular school who stayed in the classroom during the Christmas pageant.

I lived in Israel after nursing school seeking my Jewish roots. What I found instead was a physically abusive marriage. I had one son, but i had to give up custody as a condition to receive my Get. i left Israel, and although I visited my son yearly until his father let him visit the US. i was so distraught, my second husband wasn't Jewish and turned my back in a religion that made me lose my son. Then, Hashem intervened and gave me a disability that I couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair, it helped me get rid of the Non-Jewish husband who didn't feel it was his duty to care for me. That is when I began searching within Judaism for healing, i became bat mitzvah as an adult although I was still beginning ti search for meaning. In the meantime, I married a Jewish man whose mom had been Orthodox and dad Methodist, and their marriage didn't work. (That is another story,) My son has married a fantastic Jewish woman in Israel and has given us two beautiful granddaughters. Although my walking is better using a cane, my disability now affects my reading due to severe eye spasms (form of dystonia). So, now, that I am dependent on my husband, I was going through a tough time. I have begun studying to strengthen my marriage with Torah with Sara Yoheved Rigler (a contributor here, too.) i am learning to be more observant and seeing how Torah can help in everyday life.So, I am taking it one step at a time with my as a Ba'al Teshuvah. Our conservative views do not fit the Reform either. You are an inspiration. Thank you!

(1)
Mordecai,
November 17, 2013 6:48 PM

Very encouraging

This is an inspiring, encouraging and excellent article. Thank you!!!!!

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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