Tag: step dad

Family time – for most families is something that occurs pretty much everyday at some point, whether that be sitting down for a meal together, watching some TV, bath and bedtime stories etc

Not so in our blended household. For until the time that Ron and I live together, the Ordinary Moments of family time that most people enjoy, are probably more extra ordinary moments for us.

So because of this, the few hours snatched here and there each week that we have together as a family are precious, and to be made the most of.

Generally, every other weekend the girls go off to there dads – as much as I miss them, its also has its upside that Ron and I get to have couple time on a regular basis. This weekend the girls were meant to be at there dads, so we were looking forward to having some time together, not planning much, playing things by ear. However, for one reason and another, at the last minute, plans changed and the girls ended up being with us. Our ‘no plans, lazy weekend’ suddenly became a distant memory, so we got stuck in to ‘family time’

I love family time – we don’t have to be doing anything major, costly or exciting, just being together for longer that a hour at a time is a luxury to be enjoyed. I love watching Ron with the girls, and the girls love being with him – I think because of his childishnesschildlike ability to have fun on their level. He will happily play games with them, climb, swing, hide and scooter

Favourite family time activities are usually the simple ones – a walk in the woods, wandering round local beauty spots, a trip to the park, rock scrambling etc

As ordinary as these moments are, its the things that I hope our children look back on and treasure. A price can not be placed on the time and attention we give to kids – it has meaning to them beyond value (especially if icecream at some point is involved!)

Linking up with #theordinarymoments

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There are many challenges being part of a blended family. Balancing parental duties and responsibilities is often one of them. Trying to maintain positive relationships between everyone is another. Ensuring regardless of what is happening in the adult relationships, that it has minimal impact and bearing on the children.

These are not easy things to do. There are ups and downs along the way, a bit of a juggling act of people’s emotions and opinions. It feels like a constant (rather steep) learning curve that changes continually.

For instance – there is the childrens ‘real’ dad.

He is in the childrens lives regularly, he loves and adores them I’m sure. His relationship with me is a bit of a rollercoaster. There have been periods where we have got on great, almost returned to a solid friendship where I’ve been sure that he’s finally moved on. And then there are periods where for what ever reason (and usually I am unable to figure out the trigger or the reasoning behind it) that the relationship is terrible, communication stops entirely and this can go on for months.

The effect on the children is what worries, frustrates and makes me down right angry. I do as much as I can to protect them, with reassurances that whilst mummy and daddy don’t always see eye to eye, what we both do is love them to the moon on back. So no matter what, just remember how much we love you and don’t worry about anything else.

It is so difficult to explain to children the intricacies of adult relationships when to be honest, I don’t understand them myself. When your 4yr old (as she was at the time) tells you that Daddy says ‘you broke the love mummy.. why did you do that, can you not fix it‘ or when your daughter says ‘Daddy doesn’t want to talk you anymore, why aren’t you friends?‘ the hurt that it is obviously causing them breaks your heart.

Them being witness to the ups and downs has an impact on how they view other relationships. For the first year of Ron being in their lives they fully expected us to split up. Their assumption was that nothing was permanent and even with reassurance from Ron and I that we would be together forever (here’s hoping lol!) their response would be, but you and Daddy aren’t together now. Even after we married Natalie once asked ‘mummy, when will you get deevorced again?’

Trying to reassure them of the permanency of Ron in their lives has been trickier given that we don’t live together. This is of course set to change, but at the moment the facts are that the children have a part time dad, and a part time step dad. However, 2 part time dads, do not a whole one make! What the children do get is just the good bits from their two dads. Which is great for them, the laughs, the fun the excitement of seeing them. However, what they don’t get is the continuity, the discipline and structure. .

The alternate weekends at their ‘real’ dads consists of no rules. No bedtime, no brushing of hair, a bath only occasionally. Food that a child would choose rather than what constitutes healthy well balanced meals. So for them Daddy is amazing, its all fun times, no telling off, no boundaries. I try not to be too critical – afterall, this is his time with his children and his parenting style is his choice. It is only every other weekend, and how much can it hurt for them to go a weekend without brushing teeth or hair, eating too much junk food and running riot.

But I have to be honest, it niggles, I can feel the hairs on the back on my neck rise when they come home like ragamuffins full of tales of staying up till midnight, having icecream for breakfast and nutella sandwiches for lunch. AND if I’m really honest, I’m jealous. How can life with me compare, at home they have bedtimes, they have to eat their vegetables, we have routines and rules about behaviour and consequences for non compliance. Is there any wonder that occasionally during fall outs they throw at me ‘I want to live with Daddy’ – heavens.. who wouldn’t! (Well, actually me, been there, tried that!)

The girls know which day Rons here, and they look forward to seeing him. They know he’ll play games with them (limbo and the quiet game are their favourites, and Monopoly occasionally too), they will be able to climb all over him, receive big bear hug cuddles.

They are still learning the boundaries with him, they push them here and there (generally when I’m not around) and to Rons credit, he is calm, never raises his voice, is consistent and rational with them (ha ha.. things that generally I’m not when the girls are pushing my buttons). But in the main, as they only see him for a few hours a week, its all positive fun stuff..

They see their two dads as the men in their lives that play games with them, that throw them in the air and tickle them till they scream, that give them treats and money when the icecream van is outside the house.

Where does that leave me?

The person that offers stability

The constant in their lives

The person who they know is there day in day out, night in night out.

The person they turn to and want when they fall, when they are upset and need comfort.

The person they learn from, who teaches them

Overall – the person who blends it all together for them and tries to make sense of their unconventional family

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This year the Daly blended family are seeing some pretty major life changes.

Since marrying, we have lived rather unconventionally, insomuch that Ron lives in Todmorden, and I live with the children in Leeds. These days, its rare couples don’t live together before they get married, and pretty much unheard of to live apart after they get married. But for us, thats the situation we have lived with.

Yes, its been hard, married yet still a single parent, having very limited time together, travelling back and forth constantly. Its been tough and challenging to build a strong family unit. Don’t get me wrong, there are positives to our living arrangements. We have never had an argument – ok – so Ron never argues anyway and if I’m honest, I’ve had a fair few rows in my head with him! But in the main, because our time together is pretty brief, we do everything we can to make the most of it, so fall outs don’t happen as we don’t want to waste what time we have on them.

The plan has always been to live together at some point. Its been the location thats been in question. Ron having his business in Todmorden, and my business in Leeds led us to look for places mid-way between, but in all honesty we have been getting nowhere. If I’m being really honest, I don’t think that we’ve tried very hard.

Mid-way was ok, but it still meant uprooting the girls from schools, friends, from everything they knew, for me it still meant leaving behind my support network (who I rely on very heavily) and moving to somewhere where I knew no-one. Pretty daunting I can tell you after being here for 14years. So perhaps I’ve dragged my feet a little, put it down to needing to save more money, not being able to find the right size, location, price of house etc.

The kids
Time is marching on, Jessica turned 8 in January – how much longer did I want to leave it. The older she gets, the harder it will be for her to settle, make new friends, integrate in to a new school quickly and seamlessly. Natalie at 6yrs old, a bit less of a worry, especially given her outgoing, diva style personality anyway. Jessica is more sensitive, more aware and I feel will be much more affected by the change.

Parenting
Its been getting harder, for all intents and purposes, despite being married, I am still a single parent. I have to make all the day to day decisions, carry out all the everyday parenting tasks including juggling work and home life schedules, schooling, homework, activities, family time, discipline. Yes, Ron is there at the end of the phone, and a couple of late evenings a week he is there for me to talk things thing through, gain his opinion and input, offer support. But the bottom line at the end of the day – the parenting is down to me – I’m the one thats here day in, day out 24/7.

Relationship
The constant separation is tough. Yes, we are in a pretty good routine of which evenings Ron comes across to Leeds, what time he has available to spend with us on a weekend. But time is so limited, and its always there, its always at the back of my mind, he’ll be gone shortly, or the knowing that he won’t be getting here till 10pm, and then be away at 7am in the morning. With an hour or so journey each way, this has to be factored in to any plans. As accepting of the situation we have both been, its hard not to let a bit of resentment creep in here and there.

At the back end of last year we said we would look to be in a home together by Christmas of this year. That we would aim to have my house on the market beginning/middle of May. Well, the end of May arrived, and the house was no where near ready for marketing, in all reality we had made no headway towards living together at all. Talk was all we’d done, definitely no action!

I’m a bit of an all or nothing sort of gal, if I decide to do something, then it gets done. At the beginning of June, I took stock a bit, if something didn’t change soon, we were never going to end up in the same house, before we knew it, another year would pass, and we’d be starting to get to a position where I wouldn’t want to move the girls school as Jessica would be coming close to high school.

I set myself a month deadline, to have the house ready and on the market by the end of June. So with a lot of hard work, one room at a time was treated to a facelift. Gardens sorted, hanging baskets hung, pots populated with plants, decking re-stained, fences painted. Ron – with his ever cautious eye on spending resisted on pretty much everything – did we really need to paint that, buy that, replace this, stain that.. but I’m like a dog with a bone, if I want it done, it will get done regardless. The result.. a house that was ready to market by the end of June. And even Ron, yes Ron finally relented and agreed that the house and gardens looked great, and it was worth the hard work and money (excuse me whilst I faint!)

A couple of valuations later, we had a price point in mind of what to market it at. We took the step of going with an online estate agent rather than the traditional high street ones. The saving was huge on fee’s and given that pretty much everyone is online these days, why pay the extra for a high street presence that really isn’t that necessary nowadays. I have to say, that it was one slick, smooth operation.

Within a couple of days of contacting them the For Sale board was up,

a day later the photographer was there taking photos (and boy, what an amazing job he did of them!), and a day later we had the brochure and description in my inbox ready to approve.

Saturday 4th July – it went live online. I was a bit giddy, a bit nervous. It all started to feel that bit more real, that bit more scary.

By Sunday, we had 5 viewings lined up for Monday evening, and by Monday evening we had 2 offers on the table.

Tuesday saw us accept an offer, the status change online to property Under Offer and the For Sale board change to SOLD. I honestly can’t believe that the house sold in 2 days, I was expecting months.

Its become truly real, the Dalys are now on the move with all the ups, downs, traumas that it will no doubt bring along the way. All I can say is Bring it On, its about damn time!

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Welcome to Our Daly Life – a blog about a ‘blended’ family known as the Daly’s that will hopefully have input from all of us at some point or another. All of us being:

Charlotte – Mum, Business Owner, Wife and general stress head,

Ron – Stepdad, Business Owner, Husband and one whom never gets stressed

Jessica, daughter no 1, 8yrs old going on 18!

Natalie, daughter no 2, 6yrs old and lives life to the full!

We are an unconventional family to say the least. I was previously married for 14yrs and had two lovely children. 4 1/2 years ago I became a singleton again, and quite happily plodded along through life with my two lovely children.

I met Ron – thanks to a bit of online dating, and we married a year after we met in February 2014. However, here is where we get even more unconventional, for whilst we are married – currently, we don’t actually live together, in fact, we don’t even live in the same county, never mind town or house! This is more for practical purposes as his business is over in Todmorden and mine is here in lovely Leeds. So for the past 18 months of blissful marriage we have lived apart.

Odd, strange, peculiar I know.. but it works.. for now at least..

But we are set to start a new journey in our life together – we are heading towards ditching the unconventional, for the more conventional and are looking to actually live under the same roof in the not too distant future.

Our lives are about to take a dramatic change, and in our Blog I hope to document and record for posterity the new chapter we are about to begin.

I don’t pretend to be a great writer, witty, or original, but I am honest (brutally sometimes!), and I have set it my mission to get all the family involved in our blog. So expect not only my own personal musings, but also comments from a Step Dad, learning the ropes, from an 8yr old whose world revolves around something different every day depending on how the mood takes her, and the odd sentence or two from a 6yr old who is cheeky, delightful and has some of the greatest one liners.