Selena Gomez Is The Greatest

According to people who listen to really shitty pop music, that above video of Selena Gomez and girls that she makes out with in my brain is what some people call a “diss track”. The intended target of Selena’s fiery rage is her twat of an ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber, whose downward spiral is apparently in full effect, but she just needs to get over his tiny pecker already and focus on our, I mean, her future.

But before she moves on, she has one hilarious story to tell about how her dad used to take her to Hooters all the time when she was a kid and she’d trick the big-breasted waitresses into becoming her new mommies.

“But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!’ So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over.”

The “Spring Breakers” star didn’t find her role creepy at all. She laughed it off: “And that became our thing.” (New York Post)

Of course that’s not creepy. That’s why every married man is in Hooter’s in the first place, because of that delusional hope that maybe, just maybe, one of those perky, bouncy, slutty waitresses will say, “When you’re done with those mediocre wings, I’d like to give you oral sex in the bathroom.” That’s why Hooters thrives and places like Bennigan’s with waitresses in pants are long gone.