Wednesday, 6 November 2013

I never lied

I stomped down to the end of my driveway, assaulted by camera flashes, flashin' in my face. "Off my property!" I cried. "Shoo... Shoo... Boogie on out of here before I call the police."

"Nerissa the Cat, what do you have to say for yourself?" cried out one reporter. "Your readers want to know the truth. What do you have to say about the allegations of the existence of a video of you, allegedly enjoying a nip mouse?"

"There's no video. There was never a video. It's all a made-up story, made up by someone tryin' to make me look bad. It's that nosey neighbour cat, I tell you. He's had it in for me since day one. Lies, lies! It's all a bunch of lies. A giant smear campaign, designed to discredit me."

The reporter looked down, briefly checking his notes. "But your Peep #1 has confirmed she is in possession of a video. A video consistent with the allegations made by this nosey neighbour cat."

MOUSES! I spun around and gave the reporter the ol' stink eye. "There IS no video, I tell you. Never was one. NEVER! And even if there was, it can't prove anything. You can't prove there was nip in that mouse. There could have been anything in that mouse. It could have been filled with parsley. Or even oregano."

"So," began a second reporter, "you now admit that there is a video."

"I ADMIT NOTHING. Now get off my property this instant. You're trespassing. Shove off! SHOVE OFF!" I cried, pushing a reporter and nipping and his heels. "Take that you big ol' oaf. Do I need to use my claws on you?"

Out of nowhere I suddenly said to the press, "I wanna see this supposed video with me supposedly enjoyin' a mouse full of nip."

"But Niss, there is no video," Seville reminded me.

"Well... actually... there might be a video... maybe... possibly. There might have been a time when... just let me see the video. I'll use the video to prove my innocence. I said it before and I'll say it again, you'll never prove there was any nip in that mouse."

Seville sat back on his haunches. "I'm confused. What do you want me to do? Should I go get the video from the peep? They're sayin' she has the video. Maybe I should ask the peep to resign from bein' our peep? Maybe we can fire her."

"No, no, no..." and I shook my head. "Okay, here's the story. There might be a video. I might have had a nip mouse or two but I still say you can't prove there was any nip in the mice although if there was, there was only the one mouse or at least, only the one time. I don't quite remember... I was sort of nipped up."

The reporters looked at one another with confusion in their eyes. One spoke up and asked, "So now you're admitting that you did lie about the nip mouse..."

"I never lied," I said, cutting him off. "You just never asked me the right questions. Sivvers, get me some nip, will you?"

I sat down in the middle of the driveway, shaking and mustered up some tears. "Okay, here's thereal story. I have been known to enjoy the nip. I'm sorry if I've appeared in public all nipped up. I shouldn't have done that. But I never lied to anyone and I'm not going anywhere. I'll keep on writing Nerissa's Life as long as peeps out there will read it." I closed my eyes, trying to forget about the scandal to which I had just admitted.

"Nissy, sweetie. What's the matter? Are you having a bad dream?" asked Peep #1 as she scooped me up into her arms before kissing the top of my head. "What's wrong, Nissy?"

I looked up at my peep with big eyes. Dream? I was dreaming? There were no reporters hangin' out at the end of our driveway, dogging me with questions?

"You had a big day yesterday, celebrating your blogoversary. With all those treats you ate and the nip you sniffed, it's no wonder you're having bad dreams. You were exhausted and fell asleep listening to the news."

I squirmed out of the peep's arms and settled back down on the couch, resting my head on a knitted mouse filled with catnip. For just a moment I looked up at the peep, questioningly. She understood exactly what I was asking.

"Don't worry, Nissy. There's nothing wrong with a cat enjoying a little catnip. It's not like it's an illegal substance or anything," she laughed lightly and kissed me on the back of my head before giving my chin a little tickle.

I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep but this time, I dreamt only of the nip mice. Dozens upon dozens of glorious nip-filled mice. There were no cameras or reporters. There were no awkward questions bein' asked. Just sweet dreams filled with mice, filled with the nip.

There I was thinking, "There's usually a grain of truth in these things!" and, well, need I say more. Every cat is entitled to a bit of nip now and again. Can't say that Pusia has much of a liking for it, though...

Oh my dear, Nerissa, what a dream. That catnip really gotcha, didn't it? Thank cat it was just a dream :) I feel a little ashamed, I forgot your blogoversary...I can't find the post, so I have to congratulate you here. HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY my furriend, and Granny and I hope you never stop blogging. Lots of Pawkisses :)