Hey all. I know everyone has their own story and I want mine to be read and not just in another thread because my life has stopped.

I'm a 21 year old male, good looking, have potential and the ability to strive. I know I can get over this. Its just the hardest thing one could ever imagine. I would rather be gay than go thru this pain. Or Bisexual, anything i dont care. I just cant take this anymore. Ok so I discovered my HOCD little over 2 years ago. I was always a shy kid, always. I have had social anxiety my entire life too so I was always looked at as a shy kid. I wouldnt have a problem meeting guy friends and i was confident in my sexuality %100, I would just have a nervous breakdown everytime a girl that I thought was attractive was around me. I was so afraid of girls, I wouldnt talk to them really even. Unless it was an unattractive girl, because there was no anxiety because I know she knows im hot and i could get something better.

I was at a party about 2 years ago and we were all drinking and smoking. I would usually just hang around my guy friends and just talk about stuff rather than trying to find a girl to hook up with. I wanted to find a girl to hook up with and I wanted everything to go right I just couldnt do it. Well one of my friends brought a girl up who was single and she was attractive. She starts sitting next to us just joining the conversation and showing off her tattoos but not really talking to me. She was just trying to get my attention. Ok stop for a sec. Since I know she is interested in me, know she would want to hook up, know that my friends brought her there for that reason, and I know im not going to know what to say or do and know that shes showing her tattoos for me, it causes sooo much anxiety to where I couldnt even TALK. I wasnt saying anything to her because i was so nervous, even after beers! So i just sat there as everyone was lookin at me waiting for me to do something. I seriously stood still and they were laughing. One girl said this is like a commercial or something. Other people were laughing at texting about me. It was a nightmare. Then I came to the conclusion that they would think I HAD to be gay. And now that i'm older thats still in my head and everytime I think about it, its like a freight train hitting me. I just stop, roll my eyes up and shake. And they told my close friends and friends friends about that night and now its like some of them think im gay now and i'm just not admitting it and thinking thats why Im not proactive with girls.

I wont take up much more of your time but I have to say more. Sorry but these are the 2 incidents that ruined me.

Another time I was at the club with 2 of my friends and another friend who wasnt really a friend. We were taking E but the 2 others backed out so I took double and my other friend took one. Usually when i'm on E I can do anything without being scared. But this wasn't normal E. I got it from my brothers friend who i trust so I know it wasnt purposely bad. I had no motivation or anything couldnt dance AT ALL. I was trippping out in the club thinking everyone was thinking I was gay for no reason. Then this guy came up to me and started talkin to me. He was in a suit. I thought that was cool as hell haha. But then I said alright man stop talkin to me are you gay or something. I DONT KNOW WHY i said that. I was just scared. Then he was like what?? are YOU gay? Im like noo.... and I said it like I was hiding it so it looked like I REALLY WAS GAY. AND TO THIS DAY WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME ABOUT BEING GAY AND SAY NO LIKE IM DEFENDING MYSELF. ITS NOT FAIR. WHY?! I KNOW IM NOT GAY. I MASTER BAIT TO WOMEN GIRLS TURN ME ON NOT GUYS. .... So my friends heard that and saw my reaction and acted differently the rest of the night to me. I was down the rest of the night too. I was down because I thought they thought I was gay this whole time EVEN THO I WASNT. Its so weird. Before this second incident I had sex once with a girl I was going out with for a few months. She was GORGEOUS. My anxiety would hold me back from doing what I really wanted to do with her. We had sex for about an hour and i couldn't ejaculate. I was sooo nervous before having sex too and thinking about messing up. So now I know I have performance anxiety as well.

So now I dont date, dont come out of the house much at all. I over master bait because I have a problem with that as well. I avoid seeing the friends I used to because of something like this happening again. I dont want to ask my friends like.do you think i'm gay. I dont know what to do. Ive been thinking about suicide as a way out. But I havnt gotten that far yet. Whats keeping me from committing suicide is knowing that it would be a selfish thing to do, to hurt my family and friends. I still have drugs to try before I die. And there's soo much i still have to do. Im seeing a therapist now for my social anxiety. Im where i was a year ago. It doesnt help. I was on meds but not anymore because my insurance ran out. I was researching how they treat HOCD and its very similar to how they treat Social anxiety. I just cant take it anymore.

Firstly, I just thought I'd let you know that I edited a bit out of your post. Explaining your problem is fine, but there are minors on the forum, so we need to try and be... a bit less descriptive with some things. Sorry, I'm not quite sure how to explain what I'm trying to say. :laugh: Just try and avoid any sexual description or anything that's not really appropriate for young eyes.

williamfrackner0 Wrote:So now I dont date, dont come out of the house much at all. I over master bait because I have a problem with that as well. I avoid seeing the friends I used to because of something like this happening again. I dont want to ask my friends like.do you think i'm gay. I dont know what to do. Ive been thinking about suicide as a way out. But I havnt gotten that far yet. Whats keeping me from committing suicide is knowing that it would be a selfish thing to do, to hurt my family and friends. I still have drugs to try before I die. And there's soo much i still have to do. Im seeing a therapist now for my social anxiety. Im where i was a year ago. It doesnt help. I was on meds but not anymore because my insurance ran out. I was researching how they treat HOCD and its very similar to how they treat Social anxiety. I just cant take it anymore.

I think I may have misunderstood you. Do you fear that you are possibly gay, or that people just think you're gay? HOCD is the fear of being gay.

Unfortunately, 'peer pressure' is present even outside of school. No matter how strong and confident a person is, we're always concerned about what people think. Fearing that people think you're gay would fit into this. You want people to accept and like you, right? You want people to think of you as 'cool', etc? However, according to most standards, gay isn't something that's accepted. So, I think it makes perfect sense for you, or anyone else that is greatly concerned with what other people think and say, to be afraid of being seen as gay. You're afraid that it'd give people reason enough to dislike you.

And, as you've mentioned that you have social anxiety, maybe it's something that's tied in there somewhere? You want to be accepted and liked, but here's a problem that may stand in the way of that.

You stated that you like girls and you are attracted to them. You have no attraction to men? You know who you are, and you know what you are about. If you were gay, you would know.

As far as other people thinking that you're gay, I know it doesn't help much, but what does it matter? You know you're not. So, they can think you are all they'd like, but it doesn't make it true. If you don't date men, 'chase' them at all, but do so with women, then they'll figure things out soon enough. If they say you're gay again, just be honest with them and tell them you're not.

With drugs, I know you didn't ask for help with this, but be careful. From what I've heard, drugs don't help anxiety, depression at all.

And, you mentioned suicide. As you said, you know you'd leave behind a lot of hurt. You'd hurt the people that love you. You can overcome this stuff with time, etc. They'd never truly overcome you killing yourself. So, I think you owe it to yourself to figure things out. Work and things and overcome your problems. I know it's hard at times, but you deserve to live a full life and your loved ones don't deserve to be left with never ending hurt.

I hope things work out for the best.

'Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars' - Les Brown
'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent' - Eleanor Roosevelt

Hello and thank you for responding so quickly. What I have is a fear of people thinking im gay. I know im not but my brain makes me feel like people are thinking that because im not proactive with girls because of my SA and all my experiences with girls went wrong. Because of my anxiety when I talk to girls that im attracted to, i go the other way because its painful. Then after having this happen to me over the years my brain has come to the conclusion that everyone thinks im gay. I walk around and dont care and it works for great awhillle. I was crying before I wrote this so my heads a little fuzzed up now. But sometimes something stupid will remind me of it like someone makign a gay joke or talking about gay people and seeing for my reaction. And for SOME reason my reaction is DEFENSIVE when it comes to gay jokes and people being gay. In reality i dont give a rats crack about gay people. Im not against them they are people like everyone else. But why do I feel like this? And then after this happening over and over again I test myself randomly once in awhile to see if I am.

Heres how it goes:

See a male: I instantly think people are looking at me to see if I like him. So that makes me nervous and be suspicious so I dont act how I normally would so then it looks like i could be attracted to him. So then i think people think im gay because of that. its weird i nkow im trying to explain it the best i can. But when I think about sexual things its turns me off. And it just feeds off my fear. The anxiety grabs my arms, legs and face emotions. And controls them and makes me look defensive and scared.

See a female: Usually I only see girls at parties or work. When I see girls now I freeze up and keep obsessing about the fear of being embarrased by her because im not saying the things normal people say becaise im so nervous and so i go avoid these situations. My brain is thinking 4 steps ahead of everyone elses. And the feeling of being judged by her and other people around me makes me avoid it all.

The bad thing is its starting to spread to my family now. I think they all think that im gay and am hiding it or in denial. Honestly I dont blame them because I would probably think the same thing due to how good I look and the girls i could be / would get with.

williamfrackner0 Wrote:What I have is a fear of people thinking im gay.

I don't think that falls into the HOCD category. I may be wrong, but I really don't think it does. So, since you mentioned social anxiety, I'd tend to believe your problems fall more along those lines. You fear being judged poorly and not being accepted. Your mind's using you being gay as a reason to convince yourself that you won't be accepted and that people will judge you poorly.

williamfrackner0 Wrote:I know im not but my brain makes me feel like people are thinking that because im not proactive with girls because of my SA and all my experiences with girls went wrong. Because of my anxiety when I talk to girls that im attracted to, i go the other way because its painful. Then after having this happen to me over the years my brain has come to the conclusion that everyone thinks im gay. I walk around and dont care and it works for great awhillle. I was crying before I wrote this so my heads a little fuzzed up now. But sometimes something stupid will remind me of it like someone makign a gay joke or talking about gay people and seeing for my reaction. And for SOME reason my reaction is DEFENSIVE when it comes to gay jokes and people being gay. In reality i dont give a rats crack about gay people. Im not against them they are people like everyone else. But why do I feel like this? And then after this happening over and over again I test myself randomly once in awhile to see if I am.

Heres how it goes:

See a male: I instantly think people are looking at me to see if I like him. So that makes me nervous and be suspicious so I dont act how I normally would so then it looks like i could be attracted to him. So then i think people think im gay because of that. its weird i nkow im trying to explain it the best i can. But when I think about sexual things its turns me off. And it just feeds off my fear. The anxiety grabs my arms, legs and face emotions. And controls them and makes me look defensive and scared.

See a female: Usually I only see girls at parties or work. When I see girls now I freeze up and keep obsessing about the fear of being embarrased by her because im not saying the things normal people say becaise im so nervous and so i go avoid these situations. My brain is thinking 4 steps ahead of everyone elses. And the feeling of being judged by her and other people around me makes me avoid it all.

The bad thing is its starting to spread to my family now. I think they all think that im gay and am hiding it or in denial. Honestly I dont blame them because I would probably think the same thing due to how good I look and the girls i could be / would get with.

From what you've explained, and what I've understand, this is how I understand things:
- You're afraid of not fitting in in society (amongst your friends, family members, etc).
- Your mind is grasping at any reason it can to convince you that you don't and never will fit in. It's chosen to convince you that you're gay.
- Since your mind is trying to convince you of this, you're starting to think irrationally. You're suspecting people of thinking you're gay. Little things you notice convince you of this.
- You know you're not gay, but the irrational thinking has left that little bit of doubt in your mind.

As I said before, you'd know if you were gay or not. You've stated you're not gay. So, you're not gay. That's not the issue.

You're issue is the social aspect of things. I'm sure you care far too much what people think, and all those other fun things that go along with social anxiety, phobia, and shyness.

If you've 'chased' females before, shown interest in them, dated them, etc then I'm sure most people have concluded that you have an attraction to the female sex. You've never dated a male, right? Never flirted with one openly in a bar or something? Never really done anything to show that you have any sort of attraction to the male sex? If you've never really shown that you have any interest in the male sex, why would any conclude that you do? It really wouldn't make sense to come to that conlcusion.

Been there, done that. You can call me an HOCD specialist ;-). Classic HOCD case to me. Had suicidal thoughts about those issues too. Couldn't stand the suffering and doubting about my sexuality. I was also 100% convinced people thought I was gay.

Obsessions about others thinking that you are gay....is because you are obsessed with it yourself. But in fact other people simply don't think that way. Besides you can't know what other people think. It's your own interpretation. And that people react strange when you react strange....ain't that logic ?
My best friend had his coming out a few years ago. Nobody cared. We all treated him the same as before.

Don't base your entire sexuality justification, being and happiness on the ability of scoring girls. It's doomed to fail. It will cause anxiety, which will cause 'failure', which will cause more HOCD spikes.
For me scoring a girl in a disco is like jumping from a plain. I even used to hide in the toilet after a girl approached me. So why push it? After suffering on HOCD for 10 years I eventually got an relation with a colleague. She had been close to me all along and I tricked myself into it. Believe me it will just happen.

Just relax and enjoy your live. If you have any questions considering HOCD issues feel free to ask.

Thanks for responding. Yes that is it. Im am obsessed with myself and keep obsessing about negative thoughts that my brain makes up. Its hard man. Also looking back at all the times I tried with girls I have nothing to go on from here. Im like mentally retarded when it come to talking with girls. Like I dont know the right time to say things. Dont know what to say at all because im so anxious and obsessing about being embarrassed and insulted. Thats what is causing me to have HOCD. My life has stopped. Not only do I have social anxiety, but I have the fear of being seen by people, yet not afraid of people. Its so weird and now that i'm looking back, I can see it. I was like this my entire life. Afraid to be seen by people. I can fit in with guys because I know they arent judging me because I look secure but when it comes to talking to girls and being secure I am just not secure. I think its because i have nothing to go by. was afraid to talk to girls all my life.

Ive tried to forget it. Ive tried to not think about it and put it in the back of my head. I tried to act as if it doesnt bother me. It works for a little. Because I am acting. Im not acting how I really want to. How I really feel. I feel like im normal and everyone else has problems. I dont know...Really deciding whether to end this pain or not.

You feel like acting, because your simply not ignoring your thoughts. I know it's extremely difficult to step out of your own mind just like that. It takes time and patience.
Believe me I feel you pain. I have felt the same. Even though it looks endless.....It will go away. Thrust me in this. Hang'on there. There is nothing wrong with you, it's just your HOCD !!

The problem with HOCD is that sexuality forms an (over exaggerated) important part of you identity. Other OCD forms like e.g. cleaning OCD froms are IMO annoying, time consuming but much more tolerable.
You are more person than just your ability to seduce girls. And you know what....there are enough pretty girls having the same obsessions/uncertainties as you. The girls are not perfect also...so you don't have to be either.

Personally, I never really dared to speak about my HOCD during the times I was suffering from it. I often tried...but couldn't simply dare to name the real problem....so therefore I was just misunderstood.
So I understand how difficult this is. I however would encourage you to look for professional help concerning HOCD, because it is actually a very well treatable form of OCD, and so it isn't worth suffering from it .

It's funny. You know ..... Nowadays I feel 100% straight. In fact I'm so convinced about my heterosexuality now...that I wouldn't even care anymore to be Gay. You get that ?? It's simply no obsession anymore.

Good luck!!! Know what you are going through !!!!!......don't do silly things. Think about others!!!!!

Oh, I was quite amazed and relieved when I read the first post because it is an exact copy of my life. All my life, whenever someone would talk to me about girls I would stress out and shake my head as in nah.. I don't know why that is, maybe because of some emotional abuse I had to withstand as a child. Have you been emotionally abused? I didn't really have problems talking to girls that much except ones that I really liked. I, like you, am attractive and my disorder has prevented me from having a girlfriend ever even though most of the girls in my high school saw that I was attractive. I also had another symptom in my life that prevented me from having a girl and that was one day I would be confident and the next day I would be depressed and I think the two are somehow related. I'm 18 and my worse symptoms started around 6 months ago during the senior year of my high school. It all happened in one moment of time, one second I was the way i had been for all my life and the next I became the sufferer of HOCD. I actually remember the moment when my first anxious, obsessive sexually related thought came to my mind. I, for the past 6 months have been unable to make eye contact to anyone because of an extreme feeling of shame. Almost everything I do and say make me think that the person who heard it thinks I am gay.
Because I became really paranoid thinking that everyone thought I was gay I went to a psychiatrist who prescribed me an anti-psychotic medication. The anti psychotic which happens to be Invega helps alot with the depression but not with any of the symptoms like shame. He also diagnosed me with Psychotic Major Depression, but I always knew there was something more to this.
I am in the same planet as you my friend, severely depressed because of what has been happening and not seeing any light in this long, dark tunnel.
I will get prescribed an anti-depressant soon again and I will tell you if it helps or not. I would like to keep in touch with you cause I can see that we're going through the same thing.

Just one question to others: Does this every go away, when will that be, and how? Because i wouldn't want to go to a therapist that would take me to gay bars and all that sh*t.

Thank you HORCD and Josh for responding again. It really means alot when someone sees this and understands it. Really.

Josh that made me very relieved as well to read your reply man. Just wondering do you have Social Phobia as well? I have missed out on so many opportunities with hot girls you would smack the crap outta me if you knew. I smack the crap outta myself for it. Its a let down when you have nothing to build off of but bad memories and when I try to talk to girls I just ef up even more and make myself look like a fool.

I dont know if ive been emotionally abused. I never grew up with my real father. Just a long term step dad for most of my life that I never liked. My real father had similar problems but he was misdiagnosed and he turned violent and abusive towards people. I dont really know man. I feel like since im gettin these negative feelings about everything you start to get so emotionally worked up that you cant take it anymore that you just violently rage out. Thats why he is in prison. But it doesnt matter because I dont talk to him anyway.

Inside my head i KNOW im not gay but when someone even mentions the word gay or even if it comes out of the TV, i automatically feel defensive like i am trying to hide it. It wasnt like this all my life. It just started like whenever anyone says fag or gay im thinking thats what they think of me so it must be true. And then I try to test it. Then once i see that im not, im back to normal again. And ill be good forawhile but then someone will bring it up again. Then I have to test it again. It just never stops. Im so insecure with myself around people that Im just come off as weird.

On top of it all I actually had a girl ive known for a long time talk to me again and I was so sttracted to her i cant stop thinking about her. Im pretty sure she stopped talkin to me because im not the authoritive kind of guy she wants but she just liked me for my looks. I feel in love with her because its been years since we stopped talkin like that and i still dream and think about her. It just adds to my depression.

I dont see any light at all down this tunnel either. Im jsut starting to enjoy life now by myself. Just enjoy the simple qualities we have. I have nothing else, noone else to turn to. So yeah i just have to enjoy being in my room all day and entertaining myself. I do love myself but im not able to get over the secure point in my life because peoples thoughts affect the way my brain works. But yeah you have to love yourself because you can love anyone else. I guess thats what im working on. I dunno. I would love to keep in touch man. It really feels good knowing im not the only one. You can email me at <!-- e --><a href="mailto:williamfrackner0@yahoo.com">williamfrackner0@yahoo.com</a><!-- e --> about anything.

HROCD how did you get rid of this illness? Did it just come out naturally? I really need to get mine out because my brain is on overload every second of every day. I don't know what could help me except a total brain shutdown. If i could go into a coma for a few weeks, god that would be something like heaven for me.

williamfrackner - I don't know, I am shy sometimes but mostly due to my disorder. 6-7 months ago it started in just one second the first time I had the obsessive thought come to my mind. It's been a battle through hell ever since. I don' know how you survived 2 years dude I would be doing drugs by the end of the first year. I was put on medication, but it's stupid. The only thing that controls your
thoughts is you, the meds don't help with anything except the after effects of the thought.

Yeah I dont know either. It has changed my life completely. I cant analyze a social situation without the feeling hcod somehow finding a way in my head anymore. My social anxiety is what stops me though. Its just too hard for me to be in social situations. After all the medication and therepy it doesn't help much. I have learned alot about myself though, and am still learning.

It keeps happening. It happened again. I cant tell if people think im gay and im hiding it. I dont care about gay people and jsut dont want people thinking that when im really not! Its enough to make me want to kill someone. I think that if people dont see me dating girls, see me not talking about them or talkin about anything sexual theyll think im gay. Because thats how people are. Even from previous generations. The HOCD makes me want to turn violent.

Someone just made a joke saying if you could lick your balls, would you? First thing that goes through my mind is that they are saying this joke to make fun of me. They are taking pride in laughing at me. I think they all think im gay and are acting like they are doing me a favor by not saying they know so it makes my life easier. Like I dont know how else to explain it. But then it goes away when I get solid proof that they arent thinking that. But then someone else will trigger it again and make me think they think that. I cant go out anymore and I just dont know what to do.

From what you explained I can tell that you don't have a HOCD problem. You have a paranoia problem and a delusional problem. There's no person in the world who would read what you wrote and say that you have homosexual OCD. Your delusions involve homosexuality and you interpret that as homosexual OCD.

Idk if your still on here William but welcome to the club I too have social anxiety but it came along with the hocd accept get this every gay thought that comes up i get a thud in my vain/ muscles as to tell me I am gay OR a tighten of the Anus and believe me it pisses me off beyond belief I punch holes in my wall when I loose it these symptoms make me think I'm possessed I have thought suicide multiple times and I too am attractive and EVERYTHING the girls friends had it all and one day this shit hit and had it going on 2 years worst thing to happen to a man hands down hope you get through..