I have no idea why my company decided to post evacuation instructions in every office, kitchen, copy room and vaguely defined common area -- perhaps they were a little shaken by our brush with that cigarette-in-a-garbage-can fire, perhaps it's some kind of law these days, or perhaps they're simply trying to avoid a lawsuit when somebody gets hurt in a freak fax machine explosion because there was not a handy map of the office nearby and they forgot where the stairs are. I panicked! I had toner running down my face! And third-degree paper cuts! Everyone was screaming and I couldn't see the illuminated EXIT signs! But a map! I could have stopped to consult a map! OH WHEN WILL CORPORATE AMERICA EVER LEARN?

I will especially miss the fact that I have OPTIONS for fleeing the building.

See, the SOLID red line is my BEST option, while the DOTTED red line represents my FALLBACK route, to be used only if the zombies decide to start with the corner window offices, where all the extra-delicious executive brains sit.

And because I am a child who personifies and has imaginary conversations with cigarette disposals, I will admit to staring at this map sometimes and wishing it was like the Marauders' Map in Harry Potter, because that would pretty much be the coolest thing ever.

Dude, stay away from the leftover pasta salad in the kitchen. Professor Snape has been in the third stall from the right for 45 minutes already.

So yes. I will miss that. Along with our first-aid station stocked with everything from epinephrine shots to generic Midol, the CPR and Heimlich manuever posters, the external difibulator and the emergency oxygen tank. How in the world am I going to feel safe at home? What if Noah requires something besides infant Motrin? What if I accidentally set the dog on fire? What if I forget where my front door is?

Now you can kiss that extra fancy multi-optioned escape route map g'bye and say hello to the map of your local area - complete with big red X's over Target, Coach, and Sephora. Oh, and also? You may want to mark that new map with a symbol indicating the whereabouts of all Panera's and Starbucks lest the stupid cable company decide that today is the day that you get no internet access.

BTW- we can totally be the next Joy Mangano if we think up a way to turn that weirdo self-asphyxiation thing into a combination oxygen mask/hair drying hood to use when we're getting our highlights done!

Oh man. This makes me laugh so hard because we used to have an escape plan at my old job. We had an "emergency drill" once and as we were walking up the grassy fire escape road to the upper field, my co-worker started shouting at us that we were going the wrong way.

"THIS IS WHERE THE HELICOPTERS NEED TO LAND! WE CAN'T BE HERE! THE HELICOPTERS LAND HERE!"

We all wanted to slap her, because she wouldn't shut up about the IMAGINARY HELICOPTERS and we seriously had no fucking idea what she was talking about.

So, finally, I was all "Gina, WHAT HELICOPTERS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

And she was all "Um, the helicopters that are supposed to come rescue us."

And we all started laughing because, WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

I think you should mark in very lovely fluorescent, or perhaps glitter, where your office is on the map so all will remember Amalah and new people will come and say, "Is this where Amalah of urban legend lore worked?!?! Please, show me where she wove her tales of delight." And they can point to the escape route.

You can TOTALLY go back and 'visit' only to restock your purse from the first aid cabinet!

I really think it's expected.

I mean, I have two grown daughters and they seem to find their way home for 'visits' and when I'm not looking, they take q-tips and jello and other staples (really? is jello a staple???)

What would be cool is if you outfitted your home office EXACTLY as if it were part of a big corporation. Post the minimum wage sign and maybe your "first dollar" in a frame and of course and illustrated chart with the Heimleich Maneuver. Stuff like that... yes, yes, you simply MUST do it!!

Oh for chrissake. Seriously. The gas mask. You're killing me. And what's worse? After the freaking bird flu thing on Dateline, I actually looked at those and considered purchasing two or, you know, eleven. Just in case, and because I'm crazy like that. I know. I KNOW. It's overkill, but again, have I told you how NOT RIGHT I am with things like that?

And also, Y? I fucking HOWLED at the helicopters. I mean, full on compulsive giggling, complete with inability to regain any composure whatsoever. Because, I WOULD SO DO WHAT GINA DID. You don't want to be with me in an emergency, you just don't. Because I will have a gas mask on *and* I will be screaming for the helicopters. And also, running in the opposite direction and leaving you all in the dust. And that's just during a drill. Imagine, if you will, the real situation and how awesome I'd be then.

That sounds suspiciously like you did the write up on the Evac-u8. Is this your way of letting us in on your new freelancing gig? C'mon, fess up -- your writing adds for medieval "safety" apparatus, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!?!

Hey Amy,
How are you doing? Great points about the emergency map. Hey I am is the process of planning our Class 10 year reunion and have been trying to locate/get in touch with you. Could you email me so I can bring you up to speed. Hope to hear from and see you soon.
Matt Manz

You really really should make your office map into HP's Marauder's map.

You know the gal who is ALWAYS in the breakroom eating something...you should draw her in there (name and all). The guy who is always standing at the desk of the prettiest girl in the building and flirting til she feels like throwing up....draw him in there too along with the biggest brown noser in the buildingwith their head up the VP's ass (lol) and all those other annoying people who always seem to be in the same lace, anyplace besides where they might actually get work done. That would be so damn funny. They might even frame it in your memory. lol. Make sure you post a copy for us.
Dawn
Delurking

To have a Marauder's Map would be the best. That way you could know when your boss is out of the office so you could take a nap at your desk. Also you could find out who always leave's the doughnuts uncovered on "Doughnut Thursday" so that the little gnats get in and start having a feast...

I agree with everyone. You should definitely mark the toilets/urinals. And any other random thing you can. Like any stains on the carpet that you know the story behind, and definitely any candy jars. That would be really funny.

On the Hill, an "escape hood" is standard issue in every office. We had to attend training sessions so we could use them properly.

My colleague said, "All I need to know is if I can drive to Virginia at 85 miles an hour in this thing."

Because one of the options after donning the escape hood? Is "Remain working at your desk." Yes, yes. After being told to put on my personal gas mask, I'm going to continue working calmly at my desk. While I send emails in all caps to my friends saying "WAAAH, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Absolutely - replace the map with your very own Visio diagram of the floor. Complete with toilets, urinals, potted plants, and notes about each person occupying each cubicle.

Having worked in a high-rise office building in New York at the time of 9/11, I'm actually surprised that I didn't have one of those maps posted in my old office. We had two sets of emergency stairs, and the fun part of every fire drill was trying to figure out which one was Stair A and which was Stair B.

I work in a school and of course we have those escape route maps in every room. But I have a tiny room and it is NOT ON THE MAP. How will I know which way to go? How will I even know where I am starting? Apparently, in case of emergency, speech therapists are expendable.

After wiping the coffee off of my monitor (snape in the stall was the final straw) I thought to myself - with your final days on the job winding down you should use your time wisely and make some maps for your house, and maybe your car. And I think adding details to the office map is a good and kind thing for the next person that finds themselves wondering which bathroom is for girls and which one is for boys.

I'm with Jennifer above. If you had a Marauders Map at work and still quit, I'd have to smack some sense into you.

Your comments are exhausting. Everyone explaining in detail everything they say, everyone all "I hate assvice, but you should be doing this...", everyone all "jealous.jealous.jealous." and "bitter.bitter.bitter."

Heh. We have a sliding glass door in our office, and after every emergency procedures meeting/training we have to MAKE SURE that we know how to exit the door five feet from our desks, we joke that we're going to do the Homer Simpson in event of a real emergency- lock it behind us and jump up and down yelling "I WIN! I WIN!"

"Dude, stay away from the leftover pasta salad in the kitchen. Professor Snape has been in the third stall from the right for 45 minutes already." Thanks, now I have to wipe little bits of Cinnamon Toast Crunch off my monitor.

Wow, I missed all the mommy in-fighting, and in a way I'm really glad. It's so sad that people can't just accept the choices others make, thankfully the majority of your readers think you rock and any choice you make for your family...short of selling Noah into white slavery...would meet with over-whelming support.

The Amalah and the Babalah and the Amalah Familah (Famalah?)deserve support and goodwill...not assvice and griping!

I would totally draw the toilets and urinals. I might even go as far to draw someone using them. And? I'm definitely with Dawn on drawing the stereotypical people that every office has. It will be awesome.

I missed the mommy-infighting, and I'm glad I did. I can't stand that stuff! I've learned to let go of the guilt a while ago (I've had to, working full time and going to law school with an 18 month old. There's no room for guilt in that equation.)

Who cares, really, what complete strangers think - the only people that moms have to answer to are their children and their husbands.

Draw some urinals, some toilets and make sure to make an X marks the spot where the secret boss/coworker makeout hiding spot is. We used to catch our boss or other coworkers in the nurse station in our office, how scary is that! And these were married professional people btw.