MENU

Reflecting & My Work

My Work as a Psychotherapist

Problem areas that I look to help with include Anxiety,
Depression, Confusion; Couple, Marital or Family
Conflict;
Stress, Work Dilemmas, Lack of
Personal
Freedom, Trouble finding Meaning in Life, Spiritual or
Energetic Disharmonies...

My time as a psychotherapist has also included
working
to
help people with career, relationship, existential or
emotional
stress; single incident and complex, family of origin
post
traumatic stress disorder; physical, emotional, sexual
and
spiritual abuse. After over 40 years I have to
say
there is little that I have not had some
experience
with - what any person seeing me might
bring to a
session.

What do I see as the pivotal point for assisting any of
us
to learn to change? I
find that one of our most harmful, self deceptive
myths is in the way a lot of us have
been taught to believe that we each live mainly as one
central personality, a "self" that is largely in charge of
our lives (or at least struggles to be so). The reality is
far more complex. We have many subpersonalities,
scripted Personas - who can even be in profound
conflict with
each other.

Unfortunately, all too frequently at least some of
these "Autopilot" type (automatic, reactive style)
aspects or "sides" of ourselves (that we see as
Who We Are without questioning them too much) are
caught in life long
patterns: habits of thought, feeling or action that can
really be
considered addictions - particularly given how
destructive they
can be... Just think of our Global Culture's habits of
Consuming, Exploiting, Warring and so forth.

Inevitably these Autopilot patterns include some mix
of
four overall styles: 1) an active seeking to Dominate, 2)
a
passive descent into Victimhood (being unable to
accept Power and Worth, 3) a passive caring for Self
or
own's Group more than Others or 4) the reverse of #3,
an active caring for Others more than Self or one's
own
Group. I term these respectively 1) Pushing, 2)
Negating, 3) Dreaming and 4) Bridging. Real balance
is
when all of these styles within us are learning from all
the others. I will be elaborating how it is these four
styles emerge (and can evolve) in a book I hope to
publish by fall 2018, to be called Our Way Off
Autopilot.

It's complex because overall, this set of Autopilot
realities is actually an Ecosystem. It
functions at the group/societal/collective level, as well
as within each of us individually. It is like a human
malware program which jumps back and forth
between
self and social reality, compromising our overall
Balance. For instance, an Autopilot type Pushy
Sociopath can be a country's personal
dictator or warlord - but it can also be embodied in an
unethical,
ruthlessly Capitalistic
Corporation - which is "legally", supposedly a Person
as
well!

Here's
another way for me to
explain this. Consider how it is we can each seek
(more mindfully - or perhaps more desperately!) to
possess - or else to
avoid possessing - a balanced place for ourselves in
the world. Companies, countries, couples (and
obviously key Celebrity type individuals [Mmmm, say
Charlie Sheen (?) et al ] as well as you
and I): we are All also trying to Obtain What We Want,
yes? When such Pushiness fails (as it inevitably does!)
we feel Negated. Then our only other options may
seem
to be to try and Bridge (again inevitably ineffectually)
or
Dream (addictively). Living through any of these
Autopilot self programs or scripts, we fail to realize
that
- for real balance - we need the completeness in us,
what indigenous peoples call the Four Directions...
Here
it's a Rehabilitating of these four Autopilot styles so
that
they are learning to work to Include each other -
instead
of their usual Competing.

To paraphrase the Buddha: The cause of
all
suffering is our unawareness.

Whatever the emotional, situational,
relationship or
psychological problem: overt or subtle, seemingly
simple,
long term or a supposedly unsolvable dilemma, issue
or
situation - I believe that something can be done
through a
certain type of 'personal
stance': a looking to re-discover balance for
oneself on a daily, moment to moment basis. The
Dalai
Lama calls this happiness. Others have called it many
other
names: Flow, Wui Wei, Mindfulness... It feels like being
caring towards both oneself as well as others yet
living calmly in the moment.
You're not
following a script for that, however, (as we sometimes
need
to realize we've been doing!) This is even
possible
when there seems to be no workable (external)
solution...

I believe this because I have seen this work
over the
years:
that our perspective or stance towards ourselves and
others
as well as towards both the overall situation and it's
possibilities makes a Big difference. For instance,
one
day you can easily Survive the dilemma of talking to a
particularly
annoying person and another day it just does not feel
possible - that's the difference I'm referring to. It is
not
one "Attitude", it's an availability of internal resources:
firm where it needs to be as well as flexible when
that's
needed.

This is complex to convey. Attitude - as
taught in most
of
our societies - has often actually been Judgement,
Defensiveness, Bigotry or any of a myriad of other out
of
balance perspectives, thus entrenching interpersonal
and
systemic abuse. Our societies sanction this
dominance. The
forcing/conditioning of Attitudes of indulgence,
violence,
dissociation or victimization towards oneself and
others is
probably one of The Biggest Problems underlying our
world's
and our individual pain...

It has been the Parent's, Boss' or
Corporation's
attitude
of "Just Do It" or "Suck it Up" or "Take that Smirk off
your face" and alllllll the other variations of these
scripts that have created havoc in our lives. (I was
even
told in school that I was NEVERRR to Repeat Letters or
Capitalize Unnecessarily!) We were not supposed to
carry
the Assertive, Rebellious part of our young fresh
selves into Adult Life. Of course we can also have
carried it Too Much - so much so that our rebellion has
then dominated our adult lives... We've often ended up
therefore with either a
reactive Autopilot stance of CONFORMING or a
reactive
Autopilot stance of NON-CONFORMING. Either way
we are not
in a balanced, conscious relationship with ourselves
or with our
world.

So how could some kind of change to how we
approach
our lives
or ourselves help all this?

For an Extreme Example: Let's imagine I am
standing caught,
cemented
knee deep into a hard flat concrete roadway with no
person in
sight(!) An automated steamroller is headed towards
me and
will inescapably crush me to death in the next
minute(!) I submit to you that I STILL have
choices -
choices in my
attitude (how I handle myself in the moment)
- in this
case
whether I die screaming and desperate or die with as
much
dignity and composure as I am able to muster in the
circumstances... :>)

I use that "lovely example" above to make
this key point: it is the choice of our personal
Attitudinal stance - of how to Be With
Ourselves (and thus with Others) - that makes a key
difference in how we will experience life. Consider: I
could have used the complete reverse type of
example... For example, say I'm sitting in my "Here
and Now" in an ideally prepared situation - wherever,
whenever that might be and whether I understand
that or not... It's been arranged by my higher self, my
knowing intuition - set up for me to understand myself
and my world more through This HereNow. All I need
do, for example, is go through the painful breakup
with this person I've believed is "perfect for me" in
order to realize what I had not yet noticed about the
relationship - which then allows me to grow in
awareness and perspective.
Yet I can't pay attention - and get that next piece of
self
understanding. I'm preoccupied - caught "on
Autopilot" by what
some aspect, some subpersonality of mine is
focused on - say the next
external source of consumption, possession or
dominance addiction...

This is a crucial "filter" for All your
interactions with
your world. It is also something you can actually shift:
your relationship with
self. Often we are being controlled by a script or
subpersonality that has an Attitude (!) - but that
aspect of self is Not
the Whole of Us! In most cases that persona's attitude
to life has been scripted: conditioned and trained
by previous experience. Yes, there are certainly also
impacting genetic differences, as well as
present metabolic/body chemistry state differences.
If you have just had a lot of coffee (or alcohol) or else
you are still recovering from sleeping pills or other
medications your attitude is at least partially then
driven by those influences.
All the same, our genetics are not yet (!) controllable
and
whether you have had an Upper (like coffee) or a
Downer (like a tranquilizer) will still have been at least
somewhat chosen through the type of relationship to
self you are currently experiencing... So for workable
change, the Autopilot type Scripts in these personas,
moods, and sides of ourselves are indeed crucial.

If you choose to investigate these automatic,
attitudinal scripts - as they exist within your actions
and reactions - you will likely find they developed as
impulsive defences or offences you had in original
early life conflicts. They started as attempts to
Try and Stay Okay in various difficult situations. The
trouble is that 10, 20 or 30 years later we are still
using these computer program type scripts -
now as Personas, subpersonalities - on an
"Autopiloted" (i.e. conditioned)
basis.
These subtly scripted style responses and
attitudes will
then impact what way others will respond to us... It is
these
out of balance subpersonalities, then, these worries,
needs,
addictions and depressions which are impeding our
connection
with Flow, Balance, Mindfulness - with true happiness.

Balanced Attitude: The blessing you
give yourself and
the world.

Such an Integrity to one's attitude is a
flexibility, focused towards harmony. In Taoist and
other Eastern
terms I believe it would be known as an embracing of
the enigma called Chi, the mysterious factor
which Lao tzu credits (in paraphrase) as "harmonizing
the passive, Chaos type forms of Yin with
active, Order type elements of Yang". It is Not
a further Imposing of anything on yourself or others.
This balanced attitude is about you Caring for
You, as well as for All Others.

That stance is really like a calming Location
within our overall experience of ourselves. It's a
particular position you take in your energy body, a
location of coherence towards oneself and the world.
It's been called lots of different terms. Here, I'll say
that it starts as a sense of a Balanced
Observer which leads "up" within oneself to what
is also called the Higher Self - what I whimsically call
the Detached
Eenthusiastically Initiating and
Oserving Self -
i.e. D E I O S location within us. I'd suggest
(as did Taoism's Lao tzu) that any final, definitive
"Naming of This" is impossible. Still, we can Point
Toward it through such terms as Inner
Tao, Higher Self or simply as Middle as I am
doing in the book I will be publishing on this: Our
Way Off Autopilot.
This inner calming place can make All The
Difference... (See the Dreaming, or else
the Resources page
for more.)
Each of us has some access to it - but the point is -
we can get more.

Our flexibility to start being able to do and be
all this is available through what
some writers and psychologists have termed
emotional intelligence: the
capacity to be
flexible in our emotional reactions. Buddhists and
Taoists
would call it a meditative approach to life. It's the
balanced attitude to take all parts of one's life with
equanimity. The times when you have felt a curious
mix of
balanced yet grounded happiness are instances of
this. In Christian
terms it might be termed a state of Grace. In practice
it's the
height of balanced self assertion. When you have
access to
this balanced place in yourself you know that other
peoples
realities are supported by your quiet assertiveness:
they
also feel better through knowing "where you're at".
They
will know that it is not a problem for them to be
putting
their needs on the table because they also know
you're able
to take care of yourself. As you also feel okay with
putting your needs out clearly as well, then the two of
you
(or however many are involved!) can work out what to
do
next. All this leads towards win - win situations
happening more easily.

A lot of people first coming for therapy or
attending a
workshop on increasing their personal life balance
may be
expecting something whiz bang, something that the
therapist
or leader is going to Do To Them. In contrast, in my
opinion, anyone looking for help needs to find their
own assertive
Authorship for their lives. This happens as you Take
and/or
Find the reality of something like this
assertive/proactive
stance I've outlined (in your own terms and ways) - but
for You... This then gives you a tool for shifting your
life
and your relationships yourself - not becoming
dependent on
some external authority who is going to be telling you
what to do!

Too many forms of life processing, coaching,
spiritual work or therapy can tend to take advantage
of this vulnerability - telling the new client or acolyte
What to Do... They then have a New Boss or New
Parent - who may perhaps mean well, but who do not
put the client, patient, acolyte or customer's freedom
first - basically because no one can Know another's
Truth for them! It's like neglecting the Prime Directive
in the Star Trek movies (that one needs to be mindful
to not dominate
someone as they grow...)

So. I'm "attempting" to show - here on this
website or if
you
were to see me in person - that it is your own
expansive self that can become more in charge of your
life... Not through that Self actually
Dominating You, though! In other words, I
do not mean that this being more in charge is being
more controlling of other people or yourself. I mean
being more in charge of looking to find that Balanced
Observer, that Middle place in you... because it Feels
Better, calmer, more assertive - more happy. This
requires reflective dialogue with yourself and with
others, caring for yourself and others, because you
and anyone you're in contact with will be better off.
And that's what you want, isn't it?

Reflecting onwards: How it is we can Mindfully
Live
our
Lives?

I suspect that this capacity to be reflective is
somewhat hard-wired into
us.
But consider... How often do we give ourselves
emotional or interpersonal Space to do that,
though?

When reflection is stalled (or not happening in
a
balanced,
spontaneous way) I suggest that it is in those times that
there are routines, scripts, needs, fears, beliefs and so
forth getting in the Way of that... getting
in our way of finding more inner/outer balance.

Expansive Reflecting happens as we most
clearly experience who and how we Know ourselves.
Reflecting, meditating, contemplating -
being within a state of Flow is a start to accessing your
Middle - that
Detached
Enthusiastically Initiating Observing Self.

As I paused for a bit here in typing and
"reflected" on, for instance, the
writing/building of
this website from its first version in 2004 up through
all
these following years my immediate
impulse was that: "I really should thank my wife
for her
indulging of me" given all the many long hours
I've
spent, plugged into my computer, putting
this together. Call this Reflection Layer One. It was
actually part of an Autopilot Script, not too much of a
really inclusive form of reflecting. Did you notice?

That first layer reflection above says a lot
about my
personal
Programming - i.e. my personal Autopilot styles. A lot
of our scripts include key "contextualizers" in words
(or else in tones) that say things like Should, Ought to,
Have to, Supposed to and so on (i.e.
towards self or others). I once counted, for instance,
that both
my (British born and raised) parents would use the
word "Sorry" every second or third sentence! Okay...
so
say I delve further, reflect more on "Should Thank my
wife". This first layer is me focused on how "I
am Wrong, so Sorry for Imposing My Intent
for Helping Others. Working all those hours; I
have also Harmed her". This is similar to scripts which
many of us learn. If I leave it there at such a layer (and
fail to reflect more deeply) I will have missed an
opportunity to expand my awareness.

This is because in that first reflection layer "I"
am separate, disconnected from honouring the
complexity of my relationships.
Perhaps my wife is glad I've done this. If I
Assume her displeasure (without checking
that out) I am not flexibly considering all the
options, I'm living on a predetermined script, perhaps
a multi-layered Autopilot persona who is afraid of her
anger or something. Delving to reflect more deeply on
"writing this website for all these years" perhaps I'd
also find, say, that I've been writing to avoid
communicating all this to people directly in person -
as I have a script which says I should not believe I have
something Really worthwhile to convey. Do you get
the flavour of this here? It's when any of us delve more
interactively with the possible scripts that we
may have going on that we will find more of what
motivates us, where our passion, intent or Love for
Life is wanting us to go! There are fascinating layers
for us to journey through here...

There is a similarity then to the Russian Dolls
analogy; where, as we open up one first superficial,
surface level of ourselves, we then find another more
refined layer - a smaller doll within.
These layers of self - receding up/off into the more
enigmatic, detached-yet-engaged, more
comprehensive aspects of self - are really part of
the classic journey into the realm of soul within.

Considering all the pages of this site, other
than the pragmatic focus of the
contact page, each of the pages of this site has been
an attempt to demonstrate that your life and your
personal growth through life can be impacted by
these Autopilot self routines - those first few layers of
the "Russian Dolls". On the other hand you can go
further... So as I reflect to a next level here, I
know that my Intent for this Reflecting page is to be
able to convey some of my sense of the Joy of
accessing more freedom for oneself through
this process that I'm attempting to
demonstrate here! In other words, You can find that
expansiveness for yourself as I am finding it for me
and attempting to demonstrate that for you. This, my
friends, is also how we can pull ourselves through
entrenched depression, victimhood, compulsions,
addictions or anxiety - by following the layers...
Particularly as you look say at the four key Autopilot
styles or aspects that I explain halfway down the
"Images and Identifying" page here you will see how these
overly Passive or Active, overly
Self or else Other focused scripts
have been keeping us caught, held in the sway of their
predetermined expectations...

So although despair, anxiety, conflict,
domination, depression and so forth can appear
rampant (and like the doom and
gloom one may feel about a threatening personal or
widespread economic melt down - in how infectious
they can seem!) finding more of a sense of inner
personal freedom can also become contagious,
spreading a balance of reflective optimism

When you are more Open to the
unique self
that You Are, balanced in the Middle of the
bickering
or depressed or otherwise "dysregulated
subpersonalities" you are carrying with you (i.e. the
Autopilot's four Persona styles)
you can feel yourself having more freedom for going in
this or that personal direction. You are not being
herded along by your controlling Autopilot. You feel
more connection with the sense of having an Intent for
living in Peace - a capacity for mindfully weighing
what
option you want to actualize next.

For me this website has been about
my chance to "give back". I know, as well, that (through
my exploring of all this as I have written it over these
years) it has also been a chance to further my own
journey... so I thank you for that. I
sincerely hope it will also have been of use to you.