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Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Close Shave

I loved my Norelco BodyGroomer. I used it all the time, especially prior to having any X-rated man-on-man naked time. Recently I used it to manscape the essentials, and just three days later I had exactly that kind of tryst. All was gong well as we were enjoying the sexuals, when suddenly we were interrupted by a dreadfully loud noise coming from my closet.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“What the hell is that?”

I jumped out of bed and ran to the closet, having no idea what the sound could be. It got louder as I opened the door.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Finally, I located the source of the racket. My Bodygroomer. After 3 days of sitting untouched on a shelf, with no one anywhere near it, somehow it had turned itself on.

Of course this happened while there was a trick in my bed. I was mortified. And then, it got worse.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The on/off mechanism is not a switch, but a flat button on the front that you press in to start, and press in again to stop. Somehow, untouched, it was jammed in the on position, and no matter how much I pressed, it wasn’t stopping.

“What IS that?” called my fling.

BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Um, nothing!” I called out, trying furiously to dig my finger under the button.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Is that, like, a sex toy?”

“No-no,” I yelled, slamming the device against the shelves. No help. I flipped it over to remove the batteries. No battery cover. It’s rechargeable. And apparently, it was full of juice.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Do you need help?”

“No! I’m fine!” I called, and finally shoved the wicked thing in between some towels, with a huge pile of clothes on top of it.

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Still audible, but better. I returned to bed.

“Sorry,” I muttered, “That was... ah... I have this… um… I’m not sure…”

He looked at me. “Do you HAVE any sex toys?”

7 hours later, long after the boy had left, the evil groomer stopped clamoring. I dug it out from under the towels, and promptly threw it away. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if, three days later, it somehow magically brought itself back to life again, and is currently sitting in some landfill in Staten Island, buzzing away.