Have you got a problem?

I have always been excited by female bottom. Over the years, I developed a fetish of being dominated with it. But it became a problem now as I lose my erection during sex. I only get excited when my girlfriend is sitting on my face, but lose it otherwise quickly. This strained our relationship and she very much broke up with me. I would not want this fetish to control me or be a problem for my future relationship.

What should l do? Can you give me some advice please?

Timothy, 37 years, Surrey

Dear Timothy

I am sorry to hear your circumstances. The end of a relationship is always heart wrenching but you must not blame yourself for what happened. No one chooses to have a fetish, it is something that just happens.

Can you remember the point when the fetish started to take over your life? Could there have been a stressful event or something that triggered it? Could you have been fixating on the fetish as a form of escapism? When people undergo stressful or traumatic life experiences, they often self-medicate. This can be in the form of turning to alcohol, drugs or even fixating on a fetish.

I agree the female bottom can be extremely alluring indeed, although it is no replacement for a loving relationship and intimacy.

It seems apparent to me that you have two options. The first option is to embrace your fetish as a lifestyle choice and find a like-minded kinkster on a site like Fetlife. Someone who shares your passion for face-sitting fun! Many fetishists opt to find life partners who share their fetishes and interests and often find their soul mates through fetish clubs or sites.

If you are determined to try and combat your fetish, then you will need a sex therapist who can council you and help you develop methods and techniques to wean you off bottoms! You must choose to do whatever feels right for you and do not be ashamed of your circumstances or your decision. I’m rooting for you!

Walk Of Shame

Dear Mistress,

I’m certainly no novice when it comes to fetish and have experienced most things. I have indulged in various activities and enjoyed session time with many Mistresses over the years.

Some of the sessions I have requested have been very extreme and have involved humiliation, pain and degradation and I have spent thousands on all kinds of kinky toys and outfits. The problem is I have never been comfortable in accepting my perverse desires and after a particularly kinky session I feel shameful and end up throwing away all my toys and deleting all my Mistresses numbers…only to crawl back later with my tails between my legs having googled them on the internet! I end up buying more stuff, which I know I’ll throw away in a month! I’m not married but I feel like I’m letting myself down. How can I end this cycle of self-abuse or at least come to terms with my desires?

Ashley, Birmingham, 32

Dear Ashley,

As a pro Mistress, I found that a few of my subs suffered from this cycle of excitement and extreme play, followed by self-doubt and shame. So, I approached some of my more experienced subs to ask them their thoughts on such scenarios. I also asked some fetish professionals who are experts in their field.

Let me ask you a question. Do you feel shame because of what happens in the sessions? Or are you feeling this way because you are addicted to the buzz it gives you and it is taking over your life?

If you feel that you do have a genuine problem and it is affecting your work or your ability to form a relationship, then perhaps it is time to seek some counselling with a therapist.

You tell me that you tend to throw everything away after a ‘particularly kinky’ session. My subs tell me that they have displayed similar behaviour in the past, until they realised that they were experiencing sub drop.

Sub drop is a condition that can happen after an extreme session. When your body is subjected to pain, it can cause a rush of endorphins and forces your brain to dump loads of noradrenaline and dopamine from your system. This can leave you feeling high during the session – similar to when drugs like cocaine are consumed, and this high can be addictive. However, it can leave your system depleted and your mood and energy levels very low. In turn, this can cause subs to blame the fetish play for the way they are feeling and to feel shameful and embarrassed.

Look deep inside yourself and ask if you might merely be suffering from sub drop after an intense session or whether you feel that you have an addiction you need help with. Only you can answer that. Wishing you the best.

A Sticky Situation!

Dear Kaz, I have gotten myself into some trouble. When my family are wrapped up in bed at night I head off to the nearest phone box to look at cards left by ladies of the night. What began as curiosity has turned into an addiction for visiting prostitutes. I have not always been careful and now my penis is itchy and leaking an odd coloured discharge. I think I might have caught an STI, how can I be sure and should I tell my family?

Bill, 35, Hammersmith

Dear Bill,

It does sound likely that you have contracted an STI. Itchy genitals and discharge are generally symptomatic of an STI. The only way to be sure is to visit your local sexual health clinic. If you are based in Hammersmith, then your nearest clinic is the West London Centre for Sexual Health. I would advise you to visit them immediately to get checked out and obtain treatment if needed.

If you have contracted an infection, then it’s possible that you could have passed it onto your partner. If this is the case you will have to come clean and tell her. Untreated STI’s can lead to many health problems in women such as Pelvic Inflammatory disease and infertility. STI’s can also cause severe problems in pregnant women and can be fatal to the child she carries. You are going to have to man up, admit what’s happened and face the music.

Safe sex should always be practised with an unknown partner and it only takes 30 seconds to rubber up. However, I think you need to go cold turkey and consider treatment for sex addiction. Think of the consequences to your partner and your family…and all for a quick fumble. I hope you do the right thing Bill and learn from this error of judgement. Wishing you good luck and I hope you can find the strength to overcome your problems.