posted June 04, 2005 23:33
I have a friend who is in a dilemma. She is living with this guy who has had at least 2 "emotional affairs" with other women while he was with her. By emotional affairs, I mean telling these other women he loves them and/or needs them in his life. Also he has said very explicit sexual things to them. He still has contact with the second woman and talks to her almost every day. He has told his girlfriend that nothing is going on between them now but he really likes this girl as a friend and wants to continue to talk to this girl. My friend is really upset by this because she feels that they have a past now and cannot revert to just being friends. They have also done some other things like cybersex. Also, this girl asks him questions about his and his girlfriends' sex life and her boyfriend also brings up sex as part of their conversation.

I personally think that he has betrayed her before and why should she trust him? Also, let me mention that my friend found out about all this because she read private emails between him and these other girls. He says that my friend needs to get over her insecurity and that it is his life. What do you think?
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posted June 05, 2005 00:05
Sure, it's his life, but if they are living together then they are sharing their lives with each other. It is clear that she wants a monogamous relationship and has been very hurt by his infidelity. It is not her fault for feeling insecure about their relationship. He has dealt a serious blow to her trust in him, and has given her no reason to believe that things will change. First and foremost, she must ask herself if she even wants to continue the relationship at all. If she thinks she wants to try to save the relationship, she must make it clear that she will leave him if he continues to betray her. He needs to decide if he wants to be true to her. If he wants to quit being selfish and be faithful to her, then they will have a lot of work to do to repair the damage done to the relationship. If he still acts like it is no big deal, and continues to talk to other women in an inappropriate way, then it is time to kick him to the curb. The only way this will work out in a way that creates a meaningful, healthy relationship is for both of them to be very honest with each other. They will both have some soul searching to do, and it will not be easy. They need to figure out why this has happened and what will prevent it from happening again. There will be a lot of different emotions involved, and they both will have to be supportive of each other. Seeing how I don't know the people involved, I can give no real prediction as to whether things will work out. These are the kinds of things that can destroy a relationship, or sometimes serve as an opportunity to get real and honest, things that all good relationship need.

posted June 05, 2005 04:03
Sounds like the two people involved have differing definitions of monogamy to me. I'd advise your friend to very clearly state to the guy what her definition of monogamy is, and to make it clear that he has breached it in the past. It's then up to her whether she gives him another chance, or not. Be aware that even if she does give him another chance, the ensuing lack of trust could well destroy the relationship.

posted June 05, 2005 05:56
Unfortunately, from what I understand, she has defined her version of monogamy to him and told him that she felt like he cheated on her. His response was to tell her that it was no big deal because it wasn't like they were having sex. He also told her that she had an outdated idea of monogamy and that she was basically unrealistic. Until she broke up with him for a short period of time, he never even apologized. Also let me mention that this is all over the internet, sorry not sure why I didn't clarify that in the first place. Even though they are sort of back together right now, he still continues to talk to this other girl.
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posted June 05, 2005 09:37
The relationship might be salvageable, but there's no reason to try and save it. He's an asshole. Tell her to have hime take a long walk off a short pier.

--------------------And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?- The DecemberistsPosts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001
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posted June 05, 2005 13:24
He sounds like an idiot. If he thinks that having sex is the only way to cheat on someone, then he's just plain stupid. For most people interested in a monogomous relationship, emotional affairs can be just as hurtful if not more than physical affairs. My previous answer was based on the assumption that the online relationships were something she had just discovered. However, it sounds like she has already tried her best to fix the problem, and it is time to move on. Given that she has already clearly outlined her position, and he has completely invalidated it, I would say just to dump this moron. Sounds like he will only continue to hurt her.

posted June 05, 2005 14:37
The sad irony in this story is that the 'woman' he's having the affair with is a balding 54 year old named Dave.

I kind of feel sorry for the guy. A lot of people treat the internet as the modern alternative to the Mills and Boon book - a bit of harmless escapism. It's a place where people can let their hair down, flirt outrageously, and b*llsh*t on about ass pictures, naked beery adventures, Liv Tyler speaking elvish, Natalie Portman, etc, secure in the knowledge that they'll never actually meet the person on the other end of the conversation, and that no-one takes what they're saying seriously anyway.

I have a female friend who is a big fan of a particular male actor. She's a co-administrator of a fan site dedicated to the guy, and openly expresses her fantasies about him both online and IRL, even in the presence of her husband. Should that be the end of her marriage? Should hubby throw out her extensive collection of DVDs featuring the actor, and add the fan site to their firewall block list? This would seem like a bit of an over-reaction to me.

--------------------If you watch 'The History Of NASA' backwards, it's about a space agency that has no manned spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the Moon.Posts: 10488 | From: Melbourne, Australia | Registered: Oct 2002
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posted June 05, 2005 15:09
Is she exchanging intimate e-mails with this celebrity? Is her spouse feeling like he's been cheated on? If yes, then yeah, she should take down the site.

--------------------And it's one, two, three / On the wrong side of the lee / What were you meant for? / What were you meant for?- The DecemberistsPosts: 7670 | From: the lab | Registered: Mar 2001
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posted June 05, 2005 22:00
Ugh. I'll have to put in a vote for "unsalvageable". How could she trust this guy again? And why would she want to? Obviously it's going to hurt but a person is better off with no relationship than a crappy one.

Reminds me of a guy I used to know. He was once caught cheating and to wriggle his way out of it he told his so-called girlfriend that "Oh! I didn't cheat! That other girl and I only 'had sex'. You and I 'make love'. I didn't 'make love' with her. I only do that with you."

I wanted to slap him myself. But she took care of that. She realized that no relationship was better than a relationship with him. Good for her.

I am now 18 years old (not really a lot of knowledge or life experience). But I see these problems repeating themselves throughout every age-group: Somebody is treating his partner very poorly, and this partner doesn't take action (but is seriously hurt)... Whenever this happens, I can only suggest that she should let him go. There are enough people around that are at least sharing the same view about Monogamy and life.There is no need to stick with somebody like this.

better people are waiting..

thomas

--------------------Everything I say espressis onley my own op1ni0n, and shall not reprisent the openion of othar Austrians.Pizza and ginormous jugs is what I need!

You know it is a fact that as geeks we couldn't get laid if we were eggs.

And ArcticBlue. The fact is not so much whether of not he is trustworthy. As much as is she willing to put up with it? If that is not what she deems a proper relationship, then she needs to find someone that believes as she does.

--------------------Does he know our big secret?Has one of us confessed?'Bout the wires circuits and motorsBuried in our chestPosts: 2435 | From: Somewhere between the gutter... and probably another gutter | Registered: Mar 2003
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