Twitter

Give me fabulous or give me death.

Cannes 2017: amfAR Gala

Farewell, Cannes 2017! We hardly knew ye, and yet ye also lasted for like eight thousand years.

Best Dressed: JESSICA CHASTAINgown by Prada, necklace by Piaget

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

Don’t look so surprised that this snagged the Best Dressed spot, dear readers. This is a deceptively simple look. Just a black dress and a weird pearl necklace? Yes, until you get the back view:

Photo: HawtCelebs

It has no right to be this perfect. But this is the magic of styling. Throw on a long tasseled necklace, whatever. Throw that necklace on BACKWARDS, and you somehow up your coolness factor by eleventy billion, and take this look from forgettable to fucking fabulous.

Runner-Up: NICOLE KIDMANgown by Chanel, jewelry by Harry Winston

Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock

Nicole Kidman embracing her severity can be very hit or miss on the red carpet, but this is a win for me. I’ve seen enough fringe and feathers at Cannes to last me a lifetime, but I love how fucking creepy this is. I should hate the way it sticks out over her neck and chest like supernatural pubes, but somehow it’s thrilling. Very Drusilla-from-Buffy-goes-to-the-opera. And that’s a compliment.

The wide-legged pants are ridiculous here – a skinnier leg would have given us the same gown/pants effect and looked far less sloppy – but it’s different from most of what we’ve seen at Cannes. That alone is enough to warrant an honorable mention. And honestly, bitches did NOT bring it nearly hard enough to the amfAR Gala this year. It should be one of the peaks of the Cannes red carpet, but like too many other red carpet events, it has been overrun by models who all wear the same damn sheer bedazzled gown.

IZABEL GOULARTgown by Zuhair Murad

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

Speaking of models in sheer bedazzled gowns… This bedazzle actually has some sense of style to it, and I like the way it sort of fades into tiny sparkles on her cleavage. More things should fade into tiny cleavage sparkles, in my opinion.

CINDY BRUNAgown by Ulyana Sergeenko

Photo: Andreas Rentz/French Select

The necklace is doing ALLLLL the heavy lifting here, but that was true for Jessica Chastain and I loved that shit when she did it. I think the issue here is that this necklace feels like it belongs with a different dress entirely.

MELISSA GEORGEgown by Schiaparelli

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

This is actually quite pretty, but I just can’t get excited about it.

TRACEE ELLIS ROSS gown by Jenny Packham

Photo: Kevin Tachman/Getty

This is INSANE, but I think I would have loved it if it weren’t essentially a bathrobe. Those ridiculous Muppet sleeves could have worked with a gown more fitted, or even just more artfully draped. But the proportions here make everything go from risky to cartoonish. Also, diamond studs would have helped. They help most things.

ANJA RUBIK dress by Saint Laurent

Photo: Alberto Pizzolo/AFP/Getty

Looks like it was taken out of the 2012 Lady Gaga reject pile, but points for wearing something different, I guess.

DOUTZEN KROESgown by Boss

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

Athletic, California-girl faux-natural chic in a way that almost nobody does anymore. It’s not my favorite aesthetic, but it’s a refreshing break from everything else we’ve seen. Plus, the colors are fantastic.

PAZ VEGAgown by Redemption

Photo: Andreas Rentz/French Select

The hair, earrings, and lipstick are to die for. I could take or leave everything else.

IRINA SHAYKgown by Prada

Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock

She gave birth like ten minutes ago, so she gets credit just for showing up.

KATE UPTONjewelry by Chopard, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING FRINGE ALREADY.

JOAN SMALLS gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock

I hate this for making me type the phrase “bejeweled harness.”

BARBARA PALVINgown by Prada

Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock

Boring and terribly fit.

COCO ROCHAgown by Jean Paul Gaultier

Photo: Andreas Rentz/French Select/Getty

Is that blush, or is Coco a chimney sweep in an old-timey film?

HAILEY BALDWINgown by Elie Saab

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

Well, she’d be the most stylish girl at the prom.

WINNIE HARLOW

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

Sorry, sweetheart, but I maxed out on sheer bedazzled gowns a few looks ago.

BELLA HADIDgown by Ralph & Russo

Photo: David M. Benett/Getty

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

LARA STONEdress by Chanel

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

This is an assault on all of my senses. (Yes, I can smell how terrible this dress is. It smells like desperation. And Chanel No. 5.)

ANNA CLEVELAND gown by Jean Paul Gaultier

Photo: AFP

IT HAS EYES.

KAROLINA KURKOVA gown by Marchesa

Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock

Oh my GOD, models. Get it together! What are we even DOING right now?

EVA LONGORIA gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Damiani

Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock

Well, at least it’s not sheer.

NICKI MINAJgown by Roberto Cavalli

Photo: PeopleStyleWatch1

Forgettable.

RITA ORA dress by Chanel, shoes by Paula Cademartor

Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock

Hairspray understudy.

Worst Dressed: UMA THURMANgown by Armani Privé

Photo: Andreas Rentz/French Select/Getty

I saw many a blogger hail this as genius. It is not genius. It is a poorly-cropped button down over an evening gown, with terrible hair and equally bad shoes. Stop smoking meth, everyone.