GOODISONFELLAS

Having chased off Snowball Meulensteen and packed off Boxer Phelan to the "vets", new Manchester United supremo David Moyes today continued the Old Trafford revolution by elevating Ryan Giggs to the position of player/coach and inviting Phil Neville to audition for the role of first-team coach. Subsequent reports that George Switzer, Colin McKee, Kevin Pilkington, Robbie Savage and Keith Gillespie had also been offered key roles were put down to the Fiver emerging from behind its bush with a carafe of Wickes' finest – it's got his name written on it – and wondering who Moyes was next trying to buddy up with from the LinkedIn group "1992 alumni of The Cliff".

"It's a great privilege to be appointed a player/coach," said Carrington's own keep-young-and-beautiful yoga guru, 'Mad Lizzie' Giggs, opting for an official title with a slash rather than a dash in it though not as musical as the Italian version allenatore-giocatore.

"I hope I will be able to bring my experience to bear, having been both a player and part of the Manchester United family for so long," he continued, making a stand for the history and traditions of the "Manchester United family" despite the influx of new made men, the Goodisonfellas. "It's no secret that I have been taking my qualifications and I see this as the first step in my future career. I'm really looking forward to working alongside David and the team," he said, oblivious to the fact that he had indeed been working alongside the latter element for the past 22 years.

Moyes, too, was delighted to welcome Giggs on board. "His career is an example to any aspiring young player and I'm sure that both he and the players will benefit from his new role," he said, before definitely not adding his relief at erecting a shield against concerns about the rampant Evertonisation of Manchester United, sucking a black and white striped mint and humming the theme to Z Cars.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Fans are encouraged to weigh in with their feedback about the new third kit by connecting on Twitter using the hashtag #RiseUpLFC" – Liverpool's PR team launch their new "iconic, statement-making … strong and dynamic" third kit which "strengthens the club's fashion heritage". Fans weighed in, like this, this and this.

FIVER LETTERS

"As I read yesterday's Fiver about Wayne Rooney's chat o'crisis, I smiled and then, to my surprise, gave a little snorting chortle. If you were being generous, you'd say I laughed. As I did so, one of the tiny screws holding my specs together gave up the ghost and the frame pinged open, promptly releasing the left lens. This has never happened before. I mean, I've laughed before, but not at the Fiver. But in a bittersweet twist, I now need new specs. I think there should be some sort of warning if you're going to make people laugh. Will I be compensated?" – Paul Leonard [it's unlikely to happen again. Will that do? – Fiver Ed].

"Shocked as I was to hear the £60 price tag of watching Real Madrid play a friendly at Bournemouth, I feel the $15 ticket price to watch Manchester United train for a friendly in Sydney may just top it for bare-faced cheek" – Phil Withall.

"If Big Website's visitors could type .com instead of .co.uk, wouldn't that save valuable time that could be better spent STOPPING FOOTBALL? Alternatively, Big Website could auction off those saved seconds as stoppage time, to be used whenever Arsenal need an extra minute to collapse even further" – Seth Kleinschmidt.

"Mike Fichtner needn't shudder too long at contemplation of the verb 'to Fiver' (yesterday's letters). He need only revisit the issue dated 15 October 2012 when this exact gag was debated previously. My initial suggestion was related to the oft-maligned punctuality of the Fiver, but I think maybe now should read 'To Fiver: to continually rehash old material in the hope no one will notice'" – James Moseley.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.

BITS AND BOBS

The former Manchester United goalkeeper and coach Jack Crompton, who made 212 appearances, has died aged 91.

French authorities have weighed up Leonardo's appeal against his "unjustified and harsh" nine-month ban for shouldering a match official. He's now banned for 13 months.

Roberto Mancini says his Man City sacking was unfair – "I believe I did an extraordinary job … This sacking still does not have a reason" – and says he really misses Mario Balotelli. "I love him, but I have not heard from him since he arrived at Milan."

Fifa's world ranking wonks have grown tired of their favourite gag – rating England better than Brazil – and opted to restore some order. Mr Roy's boys have plunged to 15th – their lowest since Shecond-Shoish Shteve's Euro 2008 clanger.

What first attracted Fulham to a new sponsors Marathonbet? Is it: a) the club record fee the online bookies offered? Or: b) Marathonbet's status as "a dynamic and inventive brand"? Fulham CEO Alistair Mackintosh: "Marathonbet shares the club's objectives."

And 20% of all baby boys born in Bolivian city La Paz are now called Neymar. Registry office spokesman Remigio Condori told La Razon: "By the current trend, in the next 17 years most adult males will be called Neymar. It's the name in fashion."