Friday, 25 September 2009

Sadly I have not been redeemed for my sins of misogony. I have been reliably informed that the Valkyrie has in fact long ago had her feminist icon status revoked with extreme prejudice.

When asked why I was referred to that time the Valkyrie fed the foulest of delusions shared by every drooling, unwashed, socially-backward, basement-dwelling fanboy out there by becoming forevermore 'that chick that totally dug Hawkeye's patent-pending Date Rapist Pick-up Technique'!

Your big, scary sword says no no, but your eyes say yes yes.

Way to go Clint, can't you ever just keep it in your pants man? No wonder Mockingbird divorced your sleazy ass!

No wait she was a Skrull then right? The real Mockingbird was in space wasn't she....or was she in hell?

(Today's aborted apology came courtesy of Defenders v1 #9 wherein the Celestial Madonna and cosmic marital arts expert Mantis indulges in that quaint old Earth custom of 'kicking an old lady who's waiting for the bus'. She'll fit right in in no time)

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

It has been pointed out to me that my last post about Puck descended into drooling, misogynistic fanboy madness offending many of my loyal female readers. I can only profusly apologise for my complete lack of sensitivity. How I went from talking about hairy Canadian midgets fighting giant Arabian ghosts to gibbering about catholic school girls, skirt slits and nymphomania I have no idea!

In order to make up for my ghastly, thoughtless behaviour please accept this small token of apology.

It's a picture of the one-time Defender and feminist icon Valkyrie getting her girl power on against The Swordsman by insulting that which men hold as the most sacred and masculine of all their attributes - their facial hair:

(Today's feminist rhetoric was brought to you by those bastions of gender equality Avengers #117 wherein it's revealed that when Captain America hits an Atlantean square in the chops with his shield it makes the sound 'CLAM!'.)

Friday, 18 September 2009

I'm gonna play it straight and tell you guys something up front - I love Alpha Flight. That's right I said it, I love 'em and I'm not afraid to admit it. It was one of those great under-the-radar books Marvel was putting out in the 80s full of quirky characters and delightful madcap adventures. C'mon people a book about a Canadian super-team all being painfully polite to one another while kicking seven shades of shit out of dudes called Deadly Ernest and Scramble the Mixed Up Man - what's not to like.

Another thing Alpha Flight had was the greatest hairy, Canadian midget in all of comics. Nope I'm not talking Wolverine here people - I'm talking Puck. Sure he wore tiny blue short shorts and a vest with a big 'P' on the front (which we all know is the single, sure-fire way to make your costume the dopiest looking thing this side of Speedball - I'm looking at you Animal Man) but he still manages to be awesome. He was always my favorite Alphan.

Except for Sasquatch of course, but that's a gimme. He's basically a big furry version of the Incredible Hulk - nothing tops that!!

Anyway as I was saying Puck is great despite his fashion sense...and despite that fact that his super-power is basically to bounce around the place like a demented rubber ball. His taste in women has also got to go against him too. From the first issue of Alpha, dude had a thing for bespectacled bookworm and all-round ugg-mo Heather Hudson. She was snooty, pulled her hair back into the ugliest pony-tail in all the Marvel Universe and she dressed like a grandma but still poor old Puck couldn't get enough. Whenever she was around he went from cool, hairy, bouncing, Time-Bandit-looking super-hero to pussy, lovestruck loser. Dude has time-travelled to World War II with Wolverine and fought Lady Deathstrike, but with Heather he's reduced to 'official-glasses-catcher' anytime she feels like playing super-hero:

Uh Oh missed 'em. No pity-snuggles for Eugene tonight

I totally don't get it. He's on a team with fine-ass weather goddess Snowbird and wacky, sex-kitten Aurora for crying out loud - what is the little guy thinking?!

I digress, we were talking about Puck weren't we. So he's got no taste in women clothes or super-powers - what he does have makes up for all of that! Puck...has a secret origin - and it's the greatest secret origin since Iron Fist's magical kung-fu kingdom!

All is revealed in Alpha Flight #32. We learn that Puck wasn't always a bouncy midget in a dodgy jumpsuit. He started off life as a seven-foot tall, swashbuckling adventurer - Sinbad style. One day while he was out buckling some swash he found a magical black sword and inadvertently released the malevolent Razer - the evil spirit that was trapped within the blade. In order to stop Razer from using his scary black sword to somehow conquer the world Puck does the one thing he could think of to stop him.

Why he stabs himself in the head with the magical blade of course! Luckily this doesn't shish-kebab his brain like you'd think, instead it somehow sucks Razer's smoky ass into Puck's body thereby saving the world from a right good stabbing from a big black sword!

It turns out though that using your body as the prision for a giant evil ghost can have delibitating side effects. Like say never-ending chronic agony and significantly reduced physical stature!

That's right people, you heard me, Puck's dwarfism isn't due to some hereditary genetic condition or a bone growth disorder. Oh no nothing so pedestrian from the folks at Alpha Flight. Puck's dwarfism is caused by the big black smoky Arabian ghost living inside of him!

That Razer is a dude who knows how to dress

Alpha Flight #32 unloads this batshit insanity on us when Razer escapes from Pucks's body and starts wrecking up the joint. His suitably peeved team-mates demand to know why Puck barfed up a giant ghost bent on world domination and since 'because Heather was mean to me' didn't seem like a good enough explanation he had to tell them the whole sordid story.

The rest of the book (the part that isn't Heather bitching it up and Puck's Sinbad Adventures) is just Razer hacking up Box, Northstar and Aurora with his giant, ghostly, stature-reducing magic sword until Puck can pull himself together long enough to save the day. Of course being free of the blight of Razer, his body has reverted to its proper height and its proper age:

What's Papa Smurf Doing Here?

Once again the only thing Puck can come up with to save the day is some more own-head-stabbing and suck Razer's evil spirity ass back into himself. Sadly doing so will also reduce him back to a gnarled, pain-wracked dwarf robbing him of the chance to look the woman he loves in the eye as the man he should be.

Oh the pathos!

Yeah because Speccy McSnooty would be much more interested in him as a seven foot tall pensioner with muscles that would make Hulk Hogan cry. Right!

Why he didn't just ask his magical Alphan team-mates Shaman and Talisman to yank Razer out and stick him in the nearest magic lamp or something I'll never know.

Ooh Talisman. I forgot about her too. She's like a hot Canadian Doctor Strange with a bad attitude, daddy issues and the most awesome skirt slit in all of comics. She is my favorite Alphan!

Thursday, 3 September 2009

(Today's video game geekery is courtesy of New Avengers #43 wherein Skrull-Cap splits his time between being naked, being half naked and beating up Sabre Tooth Tigers. A little something for everybody.)

Your wings were working perfectly, your snazzy red leather ensemble looked awesome (and didn't at all make you look like a creepy bondage festishest). When you revealed your ugly mug you got all the screams and horrified expressions you were hoping for. Hell, you even got to hock a great big acidic loogie right in some gormless super-hero's face.

Then it went and happened! Defeated - god help us all - by

Spider Cuddles!!

Geez, I know he's got the proportionate love and affection of a spider and all but still. Not even Stilt-Man ever got beaten by a hug!

(Today's moment of spider-TLC was brought to you by the good people at Amazing Spider-man #594 wherein Peter Parker wanders around some lady's apartment naked before heading over to the local jail to rough up an octogenarian - and you thought Reed Richards was a jerk!)