15 Baffling Pieces of Video Game Merchandise on Etsy

Etsy is a site where talented people sell awesome things. It’s also a site where crazy people sell crazy things. These mostly seem like the latter.

15. Pok?mon Bra

Gotta catch ’em… oh, never mind.

Do you like Pok?mon? Are you a stripper? If you answered yes to both of those questions, you still shouldn’t get this rhinestone encrusted Pok?mon bra, because it’s hideous. It looks like an art class project from a school run by pedophiles. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with nerdy underwear, maybe you should avoid bedazzled lingerie inspired by a game where the heroines are all ten years old.

14. Legend of Zelda Artwork

They just played one of the CD-i games.

Remember how Wind Waker’s art style was controversial because all the characters were epileptic zombies with no hands or feet? No? Well then I’m not sure how this is a “tribute to Link and Zelda.” The piece is called “Zelda and Link Forever,” and is presumably subtitled “Screaming in Endless Agony.”

13. Video Game Flask

If you’re such a hardcore gamer that you feel compelled to express your love through your alcoholism, you’re in need of multiple interventions. It doesn’t help that it looks like the artist was drunk when he made this, although maybe he was just expressing solidarity. Regardless, I think you’d be better off putting your money towards either a new game or a detox program.

12. The Cake is a Lie Perfume

Ladies, have you always wanted to smell like the punch line to a video game’s running joke? Then today’s your lucky day! “What is that enchanting scent?” everyone will ask, and your reply will be, “It’s chocolate cake, inspired by a joke from Portal that people like to endlessly repeat because they aren’t smart enough to think of their own.” And then the swooning commences.

11. Skyrim Shirt

“I was going to come up with a clever idea, then I remembered that I’m an idiot.”

Remember when “arrow in the knee” jokes hadn’t been run into the ground? Yeah, those were a good five minutes. You could buy a Right Said Fred shirt from eBay and it would be more culturally relevant than this comedic atrocity. This is such a shamelessly uninspired attempt to cash in on a stupid fad it makes the Awkward Family Photos board game look like high art.

10. Slowpoke Mug

“I may be slow, but the death I’m suffering is even slower.”

Oh, no. Slowpoke, you poor beast, what have they done to you? His mouth tries to scream, but all that come out is blood. And then there are the eyes. God help us all, the eyes.

This mug isn’t even safe to use–the creator says it’s “mostly for show.” Show what? That you’re a big fan of Pok?mon, but only when they’re suffering? It looks like a prop for The Silence of the Flaaffys.

9. Need for Speed Clock

There are all sorts of video game clocks on Etsy, but this Need for Speed one is easily the dumbest. “Do you have a need for time?!” the seller should have asked, instead of claiming that it’s the PERFECT way to decorate your favourite room. Perfect, indeed – it manages to capture both the tackiness of video game merchandise gone wrong, and the frat boy immaturity of decorating a room with posters of cars and hot girls. It’s almost admirable that they could capture that many bad ideas in one little clock.

8. Infamous Artwork

Look into the eyes of Cole from Infamous. Look into them! Do not glance away. Never glance away. Do not blink, do not sleep. They are watching you, and all they need is a single moment of weakness. Then they will strike.

This chalk pastel work would make any room uncomfortable, but I’d recommend hanging it in the bathroom for that extra creep factor. Your guests will never want to use your bathroom again, which means you never have to clean it again!

7. Dungeon Siege Coaster

Keep your drinks from staining your furniture… to the extreme!!! But be careful, because any cold drink you place on this bad boy will doubtlessly erupt with the heat of a thousand suns.

Paradoxically, anyone with enough bad taste to want to buy these ugly coasters actually owns a dungeon where they wouldn’t look out of place amidst all the other crap. Well played, Etsy.

6. 2 Girls 1 Up Button

What’s wrong with Daisy’s… everything?

Finally, your two favorite video game girls and your favorite horrifying porno are together on a button or keychain. This is another product where the cultural relevancy expired about five seconds after it was created, but don’t let that stop you from telling the world that you love video games and coprophilia. Think of the interesting people you’ll meet, and then be locked in an abandoned warehouse by.

5. Majora’s Mask Earrings

Etsy has lots of cute video game earrings. It also has these. Admittedly, I don’t know much about earrings, so maybe having the creepy mask salesman from Majora’s Mask staring into the soul of anyone who looks at you is a hot new fad. But I think the general rule is that you shouldn’t adorn yourself with the images of angry, scary people. That’s why you don’t see many Ted Bundy necklaces.

4. Call of Duty Onesie

If you own this, you’re in some Bad Company oh God I’m so sorry.

Ha, Call of Doody. Get it? You see, Call of Duty is a video game, and duty sounds like doody, and that’s poop. Isn’t that hilarious? Poop? Ah, this is probably over your head. Try watching Wreck-It Ralph; it will explain this joke about a dozen times for you.

3. Cat Playing Video Games Art Tile

What the hell is going on here? It looks like Hitler drew Garfield. Combining video games and cats is apparently the Internet equivalent of a speedball – awesome when done properly, disastrous when not. And not to overlook the cat-thing’s deformities, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what kind of controller that’s supposed to be. Whatever it is, I’m assuming the cat is playing ChuChu Rocket! and purposely losing.

2. Video Game Soap and Shampoo

The creator of video game soap is on a “Lvl 3 quest to drench the gaming community with awesomeness!” and “give gamers a reason to shower,” two claims that should make you shudder in revulsion. The soap is scented like Mountain Dew and sold with the aid of softcore pornography, because if your marketing strategy is “insulting stereotypes” there’s no point in only going halfway.

In addition to a wide variety of soaps, you can also buy Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper and Pepsi scented caffeinated shampoo. Perfect for the gamer who’s always wanted to smell like a fast-food restaurant’s filthy soda fountain! While I don’t wish to “downplay the epic-ness of this trio,” I have to take objection to the claim that using this would be a “FTW way to start the day.” Because anyone who said that to me would spend the rest of the week eating through a straw, and an assault charge is no way to start the day.

1. NES Controller BDSM Paddle

Well, that’s it. The last of my fond childhood memories is dead.

Those of you who grew up masturbating to Nintendo games will be pleased to know that for a mere 40 dollars you can get your lover to beat you with a gigantic NES controller, assuming that anyone who buys this is capable of convincing someone to have sex with them. Pair it with this Piranha Plant riding crop and you’ll never again be able to play a Mario game without getting uncontrollably aroused! “Now I’m playing with power,” someone using this paddle would probably whisper in a sultry voice, while the Mega Man theme plays in the background.