Friday, July 20, 2012

If your head is comprised entirely out of meat and steroid residue, you might recall that big UFC pay-per-view a few weeks ago. I was mildly intrigued just because of the amount of ridiculous smack between that Sonnen fella and the Spider guy. I had planned on going out drinking with the BRAHS that night anyway and we ended up meeting at The Loose Goose which just so happened to be broadcasting this PPV on every TV in the joint (which was fucking annoying but the place was packed with assholes so they clearly knew what they were doing). MMA isn’t really my thing, but I was told that this event was supposed to a good one so whatever. 99.7 The Blitz was out there doing a live remote to promote the fights and the definite drug dealer that does their morning show so they were giving away prizes. Guess who was the first name drawn out, bitch? THIS GUY! I haven’t checked yet, but I’d guess that my picture is on the station’s website with the aforementioned heroin addict DJ and other people.

I love free shit more than just about anybody so I was pretty pumped. My choice of prize was a UFC t-shirt or a gift card to something called DAMAGED at the mall near my office. I chose the gift card because the shirt was fucking stupid. After some quick internet phone research, it was easy to see that this clothing store features nothing but TAPOUT gear. I have no idea how much the card is worth, but I’m going to use it to buy the most ridiculously absurd and tacky thing that I can find in there (that might take awhile). For the first part of today’s post, does anyone have any suggestions for what sort of horrible meathead clothing item I should purchase? Personally, I think it would be hilarious to watch myself trying to interact with society while sporting a TAPOUT v-neck.

Anyway, one of the guys that was there with us decided to bring up the topic of masturbation (completely unprovoked by the way—Damman and The Swine can confirm). He (we’ll call him Tequila) brought up a pretty good topic though: what was the last movie not Rated R or higher that you jerked it to? Good God, I’ve been thinking about this for two weeks now and I still have no clue. I honestly can’t recall. Is Mean Girls rated less than R? Because if it is then my answer is DEFINITELY Mean Girls. I thought that it may have been Return of the Jedi but there is no way that I could confirm that suspicion either way. So that is part two of today’s post…answer THAT question if you dare. It’s harder than you think.

Finally, with the Olympics coming up next weekend and my love of throbbing bologna ponies shining brightly today, let’s get to the open forum portion of the post: RETRO BONERS! When you are a young rapscallion, pretty much anything can get the blood flowing down south. If you watched a lot of sports back in the day, the Olympics were a perfect fit for your dong’s combo love of sports and sexiness. I distinctly remember three (at the time) young ladies that I was pretty much in love with twenty years ago. Time to publicize these crushes so that they can prepare their restraining orders…

Gabriela Sabatini – So exotic. She knew how to hold onto a racket. She appears to have aged well; might have to put her back in the bank. Also sexy foreign tennis player = Steffi Graf. I hope that she’s not related to a certain someone…

Shannon Miller – Now that I sift through some old pics of the gymnast, I’m not sure what was so appealing about her. But then I remember that you should never try to deconstruct the thoughts of the teenage penis. It wants what it wants. At least it didn’t like Kerri Strug.

Summer Sanders – I used to subscribe to Sports Illustrated for Kids. I can’t imagine a more pointless magazine/anything. I wish that I still had some of these so I could go back and read the hard-hitting journalism that permeated through every page. However, I remember that they used to feature Summer Sanders in every issue. Summer has held up well over time, too. I love you, Summer.

You’ve got three ELITE topics to contribute to today. Go get it, son! I’ll already answer for Grumpy regarding his youth crush: Mary Todd Lincoln. ZING! I’m heading up to Michigan tomorrow for some lake “fun” with the in-laws. It always results in four million mosquito bites and sleeping in a 100 degree room. This is not one of my favorite weekends of the year. Peace, BRAH!

This should be your TAPOUT purchase, or just go into damages and by $50.00 worth of athletic tape and bandages. They always sell that shit there and you can never have enough of that stuff around the house.

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I drink and watch football with a friend that knows the names and events of every Womens Olympic Gymnastic champion from 1996 on. He knows what they are up to these days and watches the random gymnastic events they show at 3:00pm on random thursdays in May. I would be 100% creeped out by this guy if I didn't think it was hillarious. I've seen this kid stand and cheer in a bar as loud as I would if the Falcons made a field goal to win a playoff game.Kid's a nut.

I'm going to Michigan this afternoon brah! We'll both be up there. But, I'm going to see the Tigers take over first place tomorrow.

*No clue on your Damaged store purchase. All of that stuff is ridiculous.

*Also don't have a clue on the movie question. That was a LONG time ago brah. Was Can't Hardly Wait an R movie? I'm sure I whacked it to J Love Hewitt a few times in that one. She is still absurdly good looking...good for her. Nowadays I'm so tainted with filthy porn that there is no way I'd have any interest in doing that. Porn these days is one more reason that nobody should have a daughter. 16 yr old guys are going to be expecting anal, bondage and facials right off the bat.

*I was into the athletes you speak of as well. Shannon Miller was definitely on my list...not sure why either. Last week Jim Rome did an interview with Dominique Moceanu and it was TOTES one of the best radio interviews I've ever heard. She destroyed that creep Bela Karoli and her own father.

Mean Girls is a pretty good selection G$. Can't Hardly Wait is also. Damn, I cant think of another solid selection but I'm betting Iceman jerked it to Dark Knight Rises last night based on his Facebook posts.

I got nothing on the UFC stuff. My friends wrestled at UCD with Urijah Faber and we went to his house for a pre fight BBQ once. I wore a black shirt and felt the most out of place in the history of feeling out of place. Faber is a cool dude BRAH.

Speaking of sexy olympic athletes, I came across this article after hearing about it on the radio the other day. It makes it sound like the Olympic village is essentially like one big orgy for 3 weeks, with standing orders of 100,000 condoms for each Olympic games.

What was the last non R movie I jerked it to? Easy. Last night...The Dark Knight Rises...in a theater surrounded by strangers. Incredible movie and even better orgasm. I am more than happy to ruin the movie for everyone here.

SI for kids was ELITE because they included perforated trading cards in every issue. I once traded one of those useless things for a Topps Mike Greenwell rookie card. It seems in the end I was the one who was fleeced.

Isn't Shawn Johnson like 13, weirdo? Grumpy likes underage mosquito bite titties and apparently beats off to the Disney Channel. Speaking of Disney Channel...apparently there was this show called Even Stevens with Shia LaBouf back in the early 2000's or some shit. I was informed last night that the chick who plays LaBouf's sister in that show is in a movie called Mirrors 2 and shows her bare beefers. I guess this is a big deal to those who watched that crap. It's always awesome when people from kids shows start doing shit like that getting naked or doing hard drugs...or doing hard drugs while naked.

Looks like I'm pretty random today. I guess 3 hours of sleep does that to a person's brain.

Want to jerk off to some Olympians this year? Just do a quick google search of Michelle Jenneke. ELITE pre-race slutty dancing.

The Swine thought that I should get a chain at DAMAGED to support that $ reflector thing that I wear as a necklace. That's not a bad idea. I need to get my $ necklace to be legit and not held together with twine.

Drew, I'll allow it. Now I can say that I know someone that watched that crappy Married With Children rip-off show with the talking dog. I can't believe that someone as insanely hot as Nikki Cox married a troll like Bobcat Goldthwait. He must be hung like whoa.

Iceman, The Dark Knight Rises is ELITE. I will also totally ruin that movie, because, if you didn't take the time to see it last night, then fuck you, you deserve it. I am even too tired to think about this topic, though I'll try.

Sweet Shannon Miller call. You're right, she isn't that much of a prize and last I saw she is bald from cancer, but in 1992, and the very pubescent year of 1996, she was top notch. Ever present cameltoe was always welcome.

Everything everyone said about Dominique Monceano goes double for me.

I will mix it up on the last non R rated movie. If I remember correctly (I discovered internet porn way too early), I want to say my go to for family friendly eroticism was MTV music videos. I think Britney popped out around the tender age of 15, so that definitely went a long way. And Mandy Moore. Yeah definitely Mandy Moore.

I'd still let one fly over Mandy Moore, now that I'm thinking about it. /afk

G$...I thought about making the Iceman/Colorado joke and passed on it. I'm glad someone did. I should have done it.

Also, I don't think the Nikki Cox/Bobcat marraige lasted very long but he did get her in her prime.....and her prime was FANTASIC if you like tall redheads with big natural titties. She now has done way too much plastic surgery to her face...looks like shit and is popping out kids with Jay Mohr. No bueno.

"Ice, why didn't you go watch Batman in Aurora, CO? You would have done all of us a huge favor"

Like fly out of the crowd, tackle the guy before he fired shots, give a cheesy Bruce Willis line and be a GOD DAMN HERO?! I totally would have. Instead I watched in Toledo, ate my weight in popcorn, polished off a huge bag of Mike and Ike's for dessert and occasionally elbowed my brother to wake his sorry ass back up.

Ide, it looks like we are the only smart people here that went and saw this fucking masterpiece last night. From now on whenever anyone asks you if you could be anyone who would you be the only acceptable answers are Batman or Bane. Period.

Speaking of Neeson, Prime. There was actually a preview for Taken 2 last night before TDKR. I'll be honest...I'm on the fence about it. I mean on one hand, I'm extremely pro-Neeson. He rarely serves up a stinker. On the other hand, I'm not sure if you could effectively do a sequel to Taken without jumping head first into the realm of over the top ridiculousness. Plus Taken was just so fucking awesome, I would hate for a crappy sequel to tarnish such a prestine repuation of a movie.