Sunday, September 22, 2013

Hello, How Do You Do?

"Excuse me? Tash told me to come see you about my equipment," Stephen said as he walked into Charis' lab. The Society's head techie looked up from the machine she was working on.

"Oh, a rookie? Sure, I'll grab it for you," She said, rummaging through a nearby bin to collect all the gadgets. After a moment, she stood up, holding all the things Stephen would need.

"Here you are. One Communicator, two Prohibitors, two Copyrights, one Scene Transition, and a Plothole Generator. You need a weapon?" She asked, handing him the equipment. For some reason, she had the horrible feeling that she would never see that Plothole Generator again, but she shook it off.

"Yeah. I don't think I'll be tough enough to go up against an enemy with my bare hands," Stephen said.

"Alright. Any preferences?"

"Sword."

"Sword?"

"Biiiiiig sword."

"Um, okay…" Charis said, looking through the weapon racks for a biiiiiig sword. She soon found one, and grunted as she picked it up.

"Overcompensate much?" Someone asked behind Stephen. He turned around, to see that there was nobody there.

"Who said that?" He asked. Charis sighed.

"Karissa…" She said. In an instant, her sister reappeared in front of Stephen.

"Well, why else would he have such a huge sword? Can he even lift the thing?" She asked.

"Wait, how did you…"

"You'd better just go. Good luck on your mission, Rookie," Charis said, returning to her work. Karissa vanished again. Stephen decided that it would be wise to see himself out.

Post-MÄR

Drake…

The Cullen clan stood over the boy who had fallen from the sky above their front yard. The boy was unconscious when he hit the ground, and was badly injured. Carlisle, the patriarch of the Cullen clan of 'vampires', leaned over the unconscious boy's body, his fangs bared.

Wait… oh, right. Meyer-pires. No fangs. Silly me. Carlisle was just baring his pearly whites, which were as pale and beautiful as the rest of his body, except for his golden eyes. The child was wounded, and only one thing could save him. Carlisle had little choice but to turn him, even though he only had some bruises and a cracked rib.

"Scram! Scram, you stupid fairies!" Drake shouted, running straight into the gaggle of Meyer-pires. The 'vampires' broke off and ran from the armored Agent brandishing a spear.

"We were just trying to help him!" Carlisle shouted back.

"I said beat it!" Drake repeated, shooting a small bolt of lightning to make the Cullens run faster. It worked.

"Let's just get him back to the Library," Drake said, removing his armor when he was free of Stephen. Both Agents lifted Stephen as Michael opened a Plothole and the trio left the fandom.

From his perch in the trees, Nameless watched the Agents and Rookie go. When he was sure they were gone, he leapt from the tree and vanished before he hit the ground.

There was much to do.

Ben…

"Ben, what did you do to tick Shirley off this time?" Valerie asked as she and Michael set the heavily wounded Agent's stretcher down on a bed.

"I can't really remember… something about a cow, a microwave, and a package of burritos, I think…" Ben said, "Then she was waving something that looked like one of my vertebrae in my face."

"It is honestly a miracle you live day to day," Michael said before leaving. Ben looked over at his neighbor.

"Brother, can you spare a spine?" He asked. Stephen chuckled a little bit. The chuckle left when they both heard an angry screech.

"You just don't learn, do you?" Valerie groaned. Shirley kicked down the door, somehow, rage in her wooden eyes. I think.

"You. Are. Dead."

"Spare me, don't spear me…"

"I'm with Valerie. Do you even have a self-preservation instinct?" Stephen asked, watching as Shirley's eye started to twitch dangerously.

What happened next will not be mentioned due to the incredibly graphic content.

Willie…

Stephen peeked over the cover of the manga he was reading.

'He's just… standing there… staring at me…' He thought, hiding behind the book again. He'd just been released from the medical wing, and was now doing some research on a possible weapon to use. He'd started reading some manga to find ideas, when that guy just showed up, leaning against a wall and staring at him. It was slightly intimidating, to say the least. The person who was intimidating Stephen so much wore black armor and had a pair of razors hanging from his waist. There was just something in his eyes that made Stephen absolutely terrified, and the whole glaring thing wasn't helping.

Stephen looked up again. He almost jumped out of his skin when he saw that the guy had moved, and was now literally right in front of him, still staring down at him. Stephen tried to shrink deeper into the chair.

"Hey."

"Please don't hurt me!" Stephen cried, cowering. The strange guy in the black armor narrowed his eyes. He motioned to the manga Stephen was reading.

"Can I see that when you're done?" He asked. Stephen nodded, glancing at the razors that the armor guy kept at his waist. He really hoped that was dried ketchup, not congealed blood.

"Thank you," Razor-armor guy said. He held out his hand.

"Willie. You're the new guy, right?" He asked. Stephen tentatively reached out and shook his hand.

"Y-yeah. I'm Stephen," He said. Willie smiled.

"Pleased to meet you."

Claire…

"And I've scheduled a meeting with the florist… I was thinking lilacs, is that alright?"

"Yes, dear."

"…You've still got to find a good tuxedo…"

"Yes, dear."

"…Preferably a blue one…"

"…Yes, dear."

"…Ooh, I still need to decide on what color the bridesmaids are going to wear. Do you think red would be good?"

"Yes, dear."

"Yay! Okay, I'm going to go ask Rhia about the cake. I'll be right back, and then we can keep on planning!" Claire said, giving Michael a quick peck on the lips and skipping off. Michael turned to the only other person in the reading room that Claire had cornered him in.

"Any smart remarks you'd like to add?" Michael asked, seeing that Stephen had a huge shit-eating grin on his face.

"Wha-pish," Stephen said, making a whipping motion.

"Hey, guess who just got signed up to be the flower girl?"

"Eh. It was worth it."

Phoenixia…

It was a fairly normal morning for Phoenixia. She woke up, showered, decided what she was going to look like that day (frizzy redhead, but not too frizzy), got dressed, and started her daily rituals in her flower garden.

She released the stinger-less bees from their hives, allowing them to pollenate the many flowers in the garden and make the honey that would later be gathered and sent to Rhia in the kitchens. Make sure the Lantern Lily Pads were lighting up properly, snip unwanted branches off of the bonsai, trip over a sleeping person in the middle of the walkway…

Okay, that last one wasn't usually part of her morning. And she didn't really trip, more like stumbled.

Phoenixia checked his wrist for a pulse. Good. It was there. She gave him a soft smack to try and rouse him, but he didn't budge. Phoenixia looked at the flowers around her.

Ah, that would explain it. He'd probably sniffed the Good-Night Blooms. No wonder he wasn't waking up. Good-Night Blooms gave off a pollen that could make an elephant sleep like an author after November, and only specialized bees could properly pollenate them. They made very sweet honey, however. Phoenixia laced her fingers together, bringing her hands above her head and…

"LIVE, DAMN YOU!" She screamed, bringing them down on his stomach. He jolted awake, doubtlessly shocked from the sudden, slightly painful, waking call.

"What the hell?" He asked when he recovered from the impact.

"Word of advice: Don't go sniffing something if you don't know what it is," Phoenixia said, helping him to his feet. "Now, what brings you here?"

"I, uh… I kinda got lost," He admitted, scratching his head under his orange bucket hat.

"Oh, I recognize you… Stephen, right?" Phoenixia asked. She mispronounced his name, however, saying it with an 'f' sound instead of a 'v' sound.

"Stephen. Yeah. And you must be…?" Stephen asked, correcting her on the pronunciation.

"Phoenixia. So, where were you trying to go?" She asked, shaking his hand.

"I can help you with that. I just need you to do one thing…" She said, a sly smile spreading across her face. Stephen gulped.

"…What?" He asked. Phoenixia held up a watering can.

"Would you mind filling this thing up for me?" She asked. "I'll make it worth your while."

"Alright. Where can I find the water?" Stephen asked, taking the watering can from her.

"Go that way, then take a left, the second right, and another left. Use the faucet on the far left," Phoenixia said. Stephen nodded and set off.

Fifteen minutes later…

"Well, it took you long enough," Phoenixia said when Stephen finally returned. She had started scouring through the nearby flowers, looking for any signs of invading Plot-Bunnies, while waiting for Stephen.

"Sorry, I got a bit distracted," Stephen said, setting the watering can down on the ground next to her. "Really shiny flowers," He muttered under his breath.

"Ah, the Diamond Roses," Phoenixia said.

"Were they real diamonds?" Stephen asked.

"Sort of. There are only eight of those flowers in existence, so not much research has been done on them," Phoenixia said, picking up the watering can and starting to sprinkle the nearby vegetation. Stephen lifted an eyebrow.

"But… I saw nine…" He said. Phoenixia was silent, but he could see a small grin on her face. When she finished watering the plants, she set the can down and held out her hand to Stephen.

"Let me see your Communicator for a second," She said. Stephen handed it to her. After a few moments of rapid button clicking that was too fast for the eye to see, Phoenixia handed it back.

"There you go. I uploaded a map of the Library to it, and it should update itself every time the Library decides to shift around, but no guarantees," She said. Stephen looked over it, noting that the Library was shifting even now.

"Thanks, Phoenixia. This'll come in handy," He said, scrolling the map around to find his quarters. Phoenixia winked at him.

"See ya around, Stephen," She said before returning to her work.

Tyler…

"Move it, move it, move it!" Stephen called out as he hustled through the Library with armfuls of paper containing crummy stick figure drawings. He was late for a meeting with Tash in her office about him finding a weapon, and he didn't want to keep her waiting. Tyler turned around to see what the source of the noise plowing towards him was.

One thing: At this moment, Stephen was wearing his favorite orange bucket hat.

Another thing: Said bucket hat has faded from years of wear and sunlight, and is now frequently mistaken to be the color of salmon, much to Stephen's distaste.

Another thing: Salmon looks a lot like pink.

Another thing: Tyler hates pink.

Tyler popped the apple he had been eating in his mouth, core and all. He pulled out a ping-pong paddle, turning it into a three-foot long Lego axle. Tyler fell into a batter's stance.

"Hey, battah, battah, battah…" He chanted as Stephen came closer, not noticing his impending doom.

"SAH-WING!" Tyler yelled as he swung (obviously) the staff straight at Stephen's head. It clocked Stephen right between the eyes, knocking him onto his back and causing a pained shriek from something that sounded like it had just been crushed under a hundred forty pound sixteen year old. Stephen's papers fluttered through the air. Tyler returned his staff to its ping-pong paddle form, regurgitated the apple he had been eating before he had eaten it, started eating it again, and caught one of the papers.

"Rich Burlew you ain't, buddy," He said after inspecting it.

"Ah do declayah, waiter… theyah's a flah in mah soup…" Stephen said in a voice reminiscent of a southern belle.

"And people call me crazy."

Post-Psyren

Adrian…

"So, who are you?" Stephen asked again, referring to the revived Adrian.

"I'm Adrian," Said Librarian said.

"Aren't you supposed to be, you know, dead?" Stephen asked, going by what he had heard from other Agents.

"Yes. Your point?"

"So, you came back?"

"I would think that would be obvious."

"How?"

"It's tough to explain…"

Stephen glanced at the Librarian's cat ears. Reaching to his bedside for his Bag O' Doodads, he pulled out a laser pointer.

"What is…" Michael started to ask. Stephen pointed the laser at a wall.

"DIE, LITTLE SHINY LIGHT!" Adrian screamed, his cat instincts in full control. He morphed into his kitty form and pounced at the point of light, getting a mouth full of wall for his efforts.

"I could have fun with this," Stephen decided, watching Kitty!Adrian chase the red dot of light around the room, swearing to kill it and its family. Finally, Tash confiscated the laser from him so she could have a turn.

Aster…

For your consideration, a standard Society meeting.

"Ben?"

"Here."

"Stephen?"

"Infirmary."

"Thank you, Valerie. Jared?"

"Here!"

"Chloe?"

"Here."

"Gareth?"

"Here."

"Drake?"

"Here."

"Aster?"

"Kyaa~!"

"Chrys?"

"Here."

"Akai?"

"Here."

"Cha…" Tash paused, looking back at Aster, or more specifically, her new headwear.

"Aster, where did you get that?" She asked. Aster pointed at the faded orange hat she was wearing, as if to say, 'this?'.

"Oh, I borrowed it from Stephen-kun," She said.

"Oh boy," Ben muttered.

"Does he know you borrowed it?" Tash asked.

"No. He was sleeping when I asked him, so I assumed he said 'yes'," Aster said, looking quite proud of herself. Hey, she had asked this time.

"This… could get ugly," Valerie noted. Ben started scooting away from Aster.

"Kyaaa? What's wrong?" Aster asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Well, Ben thought it would be funny to swipe Stephen's hat a little while ago. Stephen disagreed," Michael said.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the understatement of the year," Ben said from his hiding spot under the table.

"What happened?"

"Let's just say that afterwards, Shirley asked him if he wanted to compare notes."

"Hey, the way he broke Ben's thumbs was art."

"Aster, just go down to the infirmary and put the hat back where you found…" The lights flickered and died, cutting Tash off. The room was pitch black.

"…It. Phoenixia, what's going on?"

"I think he just cut off power to this part of the Library. Nothing too serious, I'll have it back in a minute," Phoenixia reported.

"Who has wronged me whilst I slept."

The icy voice came out of the shadows that were too dark to see through. It sent shivers down the spines of everyone in the room. Ben was whimpering under the table.

"Where is the treasure that was stolen from my sleeping body? Answer my question and hand over the criminal, and your lives shall be spared."

"Aster! Aster did it!" Ben shouted.

"K-kyaa…"

"Aster. You have committed a crime most heinous. All the gods that you believe in and the demons that you fear may one day forgive you, but I will not."

"Phoenixia, where are the lights?"

"Just a moment!"

"However. Return what you stole, and maybe, just maybe, you will be spared," The voice demanded. Aster, now thoroughly terrified, couldn't take the hat off fast enough. It was snatched from her hands by the thing in the darkness.

The lights clicked back on, revealing Stephen pulling his hat back onto his head.

"Ste-PHEN!"

"Here."

The instance was afterwards referred to as "The Incident", with capital letters, and was considered the primary reason that Stephen's hat should remain, safely, on Stephen's head.

Rhia…

"Kill da wabbit, kill da wabbit, kill da waaaaabbiiiit…" Rhia sung to herself as she returned from a successful Plot Bunny hunting trip. She'd managed to take out almost two-dozen Plot Bunnies, and had even seen one of those Bunnies that had unfortunately gotten away from her. She had wanted to track it down, but decided not to for fear that it could have been leading her into a trap. As nice as a trophy would be, she wasn't willing to risk it.

Walking through one of the Library's reading rooms, she saw a sight that made her heart stop for a second. Lying on one of the couches, taking an afternoon nap, was one of the newer Agents in the Society, Stephen. A book lay on the ground next to him, but what drew her attention was the thing sitting on his chest, whispering in his ear.

It was that Bunny. The one that had gotten away from her. Pure black, with raggedy fur and an evil look in its red eyes, it was one of the most malicious, and thankfully rare, subspecies of Plot Bunnies.

Without a second thought, Rhia aimed her rifle and put a round between the bunny's eyes in one swift motion. Stephen's eyes jumped open as he heard the gunshot. Rhia ran to his side as soon as the bullet left the gun.

"Wut…" He said, but at that moment, Rhia had wrestled him onto the ground and bent his arms behind his back in a manner most painful.

"Listen to me. You just had a dream, right?"

"Ya, eye ded. Et wuz a gud ide 4 a stor-e…" Stephen said in some strange accent. Rhia put more strength into the arm lock, eliciting a yelp from Stephen.

"Don't talk about it, don't even think about the dream you just had. It should hopefully go away soon, but don't let it get into your head," Rhia ordered, terrified by the Agent's sudden change of accent. She had to nip this thing in the bud before it took root.

"Wut iz gong on? Wuz gud dreem…" Stephen said, his voice wistful. Rhia wrapped her arm around his neck, pulling him up and blocking off his airway for a second.

"Don't think about the dream. That thing that I just killed was a Plot Bunny from the 'troll' subspecies. You are very lucky I found you when I did," Rhia said.

"T-troll? Oh… oh, Kamina, no…" Stephen said, the evil accent from the language of pure malice leaving his voice as he spoke the name of his deity.

"Good… good. Just think happy thoughts…" Rhia whispered. When Stephen was finally able to speak coherently, she let him go so she could claim her trophy.

"You feeling okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, fangz…" Stephen said.

Rhia slapped him across the face.

"I mean, thanks. You're…?"

"Rhia. Nice to meet you. You're Stephen, right?" She said, holding out a hand. Stephen shook it, thankful that she had come when she had.

That night, rabbit stew was served for dinner. Stephen wisely avoided it.

Dave…

Stephen and Dave ducked behind a corner, panting for breath. Stephen peeked around the corner to see if their pursuer was still there.

"I think… we lost her…" He said. Dave started to laugh.

"Oh, we haven't lost her. She's not gonna let us go for what we did," He said. Dave held out his hand.

"Ah, he'll be fine. You'd be surprised how good Valerie has gotten at stuffing his guts back into his body," Dave scoffed.

"See, this time I made things a bit tougher. Now, she'll have to find where I hid them first," A malicious voice added from above their heads. Dave and Stephen looked up. Shirley was hanging from the wall, one claw holding her up and the other holding a bloody coconut.

"Crap!" The duo said at the same time. The demonic stick dropped down with a berserker yell, and the chase was back on.

Tom…

Tom (archaeologist) dashed through the halls of the Library. His hunter, while fast, hadn't really mastered turning at the speed he was moving at, resulting in several crashes.

Tom was still confused as to why Stephen was chasing him. He had only been showing off his new coat, but when he had told Stephen where he had gotten it from, Stephen had gone feral and started chasing him like a madman.

Tash rounded a corner, not noticing Tom running for his life. He was able to maneuver around her, and came to a stop, hoping that she could help him.

"Stephen… is trying… to kill me…" He panted, his hands on his knees. As he spoke, Stephen appeared at the other end of the hall, crashed into a wall, shook himself off, and put on a burst of speed, rocketing straight at Tom and Tash, whose back was turned.

"Got it," Tash said, holding out her arm and clotheslining Stephen. He collapsed to the ground, the wind knocked out of him.

"Alright, what's going on?" Tash asked, after Stephen had gotten his breath back. He had tried to attack Tom again, so she had to restrain him on the ground.

"The… jacket…" Stephen hissed, staring at the trench coat that Tom was wearing.

"Oh, you like it?"

"Waaaant!" Stephen howled. Tash nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, trench coats are…"

Meanwhile… Somewhen…

"…Cool."

"Pardon, Doctor?"

"I said, I'm looking for my old trench coat because I was thinking of wearing it again. Trench coats are cool. Unfortunately, I can't find the bloody thing," The Eleventh Doctor said.

Meanwhile…

"Where did you get it?" Tash asked. Tom stopped mid twirl, his back to his senior and junior.

"Um… nowhere. Well, gotta go, bye!" He said quickly, running away.

"He got it… from Doctor Who!" Stephen screeched. Tash's eyes widened.

"As in… the…"

"The Tenth! From the Tenth! Waaaant!" Stephen screamed, trying to force Tash off of him. As soon as he said that Tom's new trench coat was from the Tenth Doctor, played by the handsome, dashing, stone-cold sexy David Tennant, Tash snarled.

"Waaaant!" She screamed, flash-stepping after Tom.

The chase was afoot.

Jared and Chloe…

Stephen set the pieces of the broken Gadget down on a clear area on Jared's desk. Jared looked at it silently, his eye starting to twitch.

"This… had better not be what I think it is."

"And if it is?"

"It would be the fourth one you've broken in one month. Do you know what that means?"

"…No."

"It means that you have officially set the record for most Plothole Generators broken in one month. Keep it up; maybe you'll set the all-time record," Jared grumbled, sweeping the pieces of the rather expensive Gadget into a trashcan.

"So, what happened to this one?" Chloe asked, biting back laughter.

"I sat on it. Then, when I was carrying it over here, I dropped it. These things break really easily," Stephen said.

"Look, the fact remains that you have broken four Generators. Any more, and we'll have to put a little sliver on our budget's pie chart: 'Replacing the destructive moron's Generators'. These things seriously aren't cheap," Jared said, looking through the unorganized chaos of his lab for another Generator.

"Hey, two of them weren't my fault. Nameless broke the first one and Shirley used the third one to hammer a coconut into my abdomen."

"Yeah, but you still haven't told us how the second one broke. You drop off the radar…"

"Well, if you people had remembered me…"

"As I was saying, you dropped off the radar for almost a week, get back to the Library riding Fred…"

Stephen shivered.

"…And, to top it all, you suddenly developed super strength between disappearing and getting back."

"Are you going anywhere with this?"

"I'm just saying, how do we know that you didn't trade the Generator to someone or something for power?"

"I never said it was an excuse. But I seriously can't tell you what happened. I can, however, tell you that you can trust me. So could you please just give me the new Generator?" Stephen asked. Jared thought about it for a second before handing the Gadget over.

"Do try to bring this one back, Bond," Jared asked.

"You'd better be glad Shirley's not around."

Avak and Lily…

Avak sat in the corner, staring at the thing that had been chasing him. The thing. The thing he had never seen before. And, since he had never seen it before, Avak was only able to think one thing about it.

It was absolutely terrifying.

Avak had never been very good at new experiences. The first time he had ever sneezed, he had gone running to Valerie, trying not to cry. The first time he had gotten the hiccups, he had almost hyperventilated. So when this tiny brown thing appeared and started chasing him, Avak had simply started running. Now they were at a standstill, with Avak curled up in a corner and the thing sitting on its hind legs and staring at him.

"How did a mouse get into the Library?" A voice asked. The thing turned its head to the source of the noise, and then ran off.

"With all those cats we had in here a while ago, you'd think that they'd all be gone…" Stephen noted, watching the mouse run away. He hadn't yet noticed Avak sitting in the corner.

Of course, he became hard to miss after embracing Stephen and sobbing.

A dark shape slipped through the shadows in the weight room. Always sticking to the walls, staying out of the line of sight of its target, who was currently pumping iron with his newfound strength.

"Twenty-eight...twenty-nine…thir-" Stephen grunted as he lifted the almost one hundred pound weight over his head. His current record with this weight was thirty-one times, and Stephen was trying to beat his own record before his Rise maxed out. With silent footsteps, the shadow approached his target.

"Lord Stephen, correct?" The shadow asked, now at Stephen's side. Stephen screamed in surprise, accidentally throwing the weight at the ambusher. The tall man moved out of the way, barely touching the weight.

"Holy crap, who're you?" Stephen shouted, trying to calm his thumping heart. He usually didn't take very well to being scared. There was a glint in the man's eye. This was the opportunity he had been waiting for.

"I am the dark void. I am the cold steel. I am the just blade. I am the one that all beings of fanfiction know and…" The Society's resident ninja started to monologue. Stephen clicked his fingers.

"Ooh, you're Cristoph, right?" He asked, cutting off the ninja's never-finished monologue. Cristoph fell to his hands and knees, a rain of depression around his head.

"So close… I was so close..." He mumbled.

"Um… You okay?" Stephen asked.

Alice and Louise…

"Well, look who's back," Valerie said as Alice and Louise carried the whimpering Stephen into the medical wing for the fifth time since he had joined the Society. They set him down on the usual bed, and Valerie started checking his body for injury. After a few minutes of careful prodding, she stood up.

"Cracked rib. Thankfully, he heals remarkably fast when he's resting. How did he…" Valerie stopped when she realized that he had been brought in by Alice, a.k.a. 'The Glompy One'. She sighed.

"Um, sure…" Stephen said. Very big mistake. In a few seconds, he was screaming uncontrollably as he was subjected to a hug like a vice.

End flashback.

"It sounded so… innocent. So not painful. I was so wrong," Stephen cried.

Harriet…

You may be wondering. Earlier, it was stated that Stephen had been brought into the medical wing five times. Once for rehabilitation after a Meyer-pire attack, once for malnutrition and minor insanity after his ride on the Fred Express, once for having been brutalized by a coconut used in ways that coconuts were never meant to be, and once for glomp-related injuries. So, how did he get sent to the medical wing the fourth time?

The answer: he said the wrong five words to the wrong person at exactly the wrong time.

The wrong time would be any time at all.

The wrong person was Hati.

The wrong five words were: "Is cricket a real sport?"

I'll leave the rest to your imagination. Needless to say, it involved a very mad Hati, a cricket bat, and Stephen's skull. Repeatedly. Since then, he has shown an incredible fear of said bat.

Jess…

"Can you hear anything?"

"Gah! Keep your voice down!"

"Oh. Sorry," Jess whispered. Stephen kept his ear down on the ground.

"I'm not sure. What did you say I should be listening for, again?" Stephen asked, keeping his voice low.

"Alright, just a minute…" Stephen said, closing his eyes and continuing to listen.

"So, how are you able to do that again?" Jess asked.

"I can temporarily heighten one of my senses using my abilities. I just can't use it in combat because it takes too long to use and it leaves me a bit… Wait, I've got something."

"What? Where?"

"By my estimation, about… a hundred yards behind you," Stephen guessed. Valerie turned around to head in the direction that Stephen had heard the noise from…

…And nearly tripped over Leonard.

"Gwagh!" The crippled baby-demon snarled. Jess looked down at Leonard, then back at Stephen, who was standing up and dusting himself off.

"A hundred yards, huh?"

"What?"

"I said, 'a hundred yards, huh?'"

"WHAT?"

"A HUNDRED YARDS, HUH?"

"WELL, I MIGHT BE WRONG! I SUCK AT JUDGING DISTANCES!" Stephen shouted, turning around. When he did, he screamed like a girl.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" He screamed, staring at the thing in Jess's arms.

"This is Leonard, the thing you were helping me look for."

"WHAT?"

"I SAID, THIS IS LEONARD!"

"THE THING I WAS HELPING YOU LOOK FOR?"

"YES!"

"HE IS VERY UGLY!"

Leonard hissed at Stephen. Stephen hissed back.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEARING?" Jess shouted.

"SIDE EFFECT! AFTER USING 'RISE' ON MY SENSES, IT KIND OF DULLS THAT SENSE FOR A LITTLE WHILE AFTERWARDS! SINCE I WAS BOOSTING MY HEARING, I'M GONNA BE HALF-DEAF FOR A FEW MINUTES!" Stephen explained.

"OKAY! WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!"

"NO PROBLEM! LEONARD COULD MAKE A SMALL CHILD CRY, BY THE WAY!"

Leonard growled.

"I DON'T LIKE YOU MUCH EITHER!"

Marcus…

Stephen clicked his fingers in the air next to his ears, then checked his watch.

"Two minutes and forty-seven seconds of Sense Rise… seven minutes and thirty of back fire. Meh, I could do better," He decided. With his hearing finally returned, Stephen decided to finish what he had been going to do before helping Jess find the ugly thing. To The Recreation Room!

As Stephen came closer and closer to The Room of Recreation, he began to hear two voices coming from behind The Door to The Room. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but when he came close enough to make it out, he stopped dead.

Stephen stopped in his tracks. It sounded like two guys that Stephen wasn't familiar with yet, and from the sound of things, they were in the middle of something… important. Abandoning his plans on entering The Room, he slowly tiptoed past The Door to The Room, moving as slowly as possible to avoid making any noise.

"B-bu-but y-y-you're so m-m-much be-better than m-m-me at th-this…"

"YOU HAVE TO MOVE THE STICK AROUND MORE! MAKE EVERY STROKE MORE PRONOUNCED! HERE, I'LL HOLD STILL SO YOU CAN TRY SOME MOVES ON ME!"

"O-o-okay…"

"ALRIGHT, ARE YOU READY?"

"Y-yeah…"

"ALRIGHT, THEN JUST DO EVERYTHING THAT I TELL YOU TO DO! FIRST, MOVE THE STICK DOWN... GREAT! GREAT! NOW, KEEP IT HELD DOWN, BUT GO FORWARD A LITTLE BIT… YEAH! YEAH, THAT'S THE TICKET! NOW GO STRAIGHT FORWARD!"

"B-b-b-but…"

"DO IT!"

"O-o-okay!"

"YES! BRILLIANT, NOW…"

Stephen quickened his pace a little bit, wanting to get as far away as possible.

"PUNCH!"

"HADOUKEN!"

Stephen stopped, turning around so fast it was a miracle he didn't get whiplash. He walked straight up to The Door to The Room, pushing it open to see…

Two guys, twins, Stephen thought, sitting in front of a TV and playing Street Fighter. The two turned around to look at him.

Stephen was too shocked to say anything.

"WHAT! YOU WANNA GO, TOO?" The louder twin asked.

Stephen slowly backed out of The Room and pulled The Door shut behind him.

"G-good job, y-y-y-you sc-scared him o-off."

"MAYBE HE WAS JUST ASHAMED BY HOW MUCH YOU SUCK!"

Emily…

Stephen tried to shake what had just happened out of his head, but it was kind of hard. Under no circumstances were any puns intended. He walked through the halls of the Library, trying to concentrate on other things, when he stepped on a book in the middle of his path.

Stephen looked down to see what it was. It seemed to be a sketchbook, probably accidentally dropped by a careless artist. Stephen scooped it up, noting that the cover had the letters 'E.S' written on it. He opened the book, partly to see what this 'E.S.' had drawn, and partly to find some distraction from the previous incident.

Oh, how wrong he was. How very, very, wrong.

One peek was all it took. Stephen slammed the book shut, his face a deep crimson. Had that been… No, it couldn't have been. It was probably just his overactive imagination.

Stephen opened the book again, slowly. His jaw dropped when he saw the first picture.

It looked like… Adrian and Tash… and Phoenixia… and…

Kamina, this thing was detailed.

Stephen shut the book again, feeling a new duty. This 'E.S.' person was a fool to leave such a book out where a young, innocent child could easily find it, and it had to be destroyed. There was no doubt about it.

"Excuse me?" Somebody asked from behind Stephen. He turned around quickly, hiding the book behind his back. It was a little girl, maybe around thirteen, with red hair and a palm tree shaped hair clip.

"Yes?" He asked, trying to seem as normal as possible.

"Have you seen a sketchbook around here?" She asked. Stephen blanched. So, this girl had found the sketchbook previously, lost it, and now wanted it back because she thought the pictures were 'pretty'. There was only one course of action possible:

"No," Stephen lied, hoping she wouldn't ask what he was hiding behind his back.

"…Um, what are you hiding behind your back?" She asked. 'Crap! I've been found out! Quick! Think of some witty excuse!' Stephen thought.

"…No reason," Stephen said, handing the book back to the little girl. She looked at him like he was crazy (which he very well might be), accepted the book, thanked him, and left.

Stephen, having had enough strange meetings for one day, decided to go back to bed.

And now, introducing…

Hati slammed her cricket bat, which was functioning as a gavel, on the table. The stack of three tables wobbled dangerously as Hati tried to keep her balance on top of her stack of chairs.

"Order in the court! I will have order! I will also have another one of those delicious cookies. Rhia, could you pass me one?" Hati asked. Rhia dutifully tossed her a cookie, which the acting judge began to nom on happily.

"All rise," Adrian, acting guy who tells the audience to rise, said. All the members of the Society present stood up.

"You are all like tiny ants from up here!" Hati cackled, obviously enjoying herself, as evidenced by the white curly wig she was wearing. Everybody sat down. The accused party raised his hands from the defense table. He would have raised only one hand, but being handcuffed made it slightly difficult.

"I have a request…"

"A-hem."

"Oh, fine. The accused has a request for the most honorable Judge who lords over us all," Stephen groaned. Hati nodded approvingly.

"Proceed."

"Can I please have anybody else as my lawyer?" Stephen begged, looking over at his appointed defense. Aster gave him a thumbs up.

"Don't worry, Stephen-kun! I'll be sure to get you checkmate!" She assured him. Stephen slammed his head onto the table.

"Or at least tell her what's going on," He said.

"New lawyer request denied. Suck it up, evildoer. Now then, Valerie, would you please read the minutes from the incident for which the accused is being…um, accused?" Hati asked. Valerie stood up and cleared her throat.

The small creature pried the door open, scampering into the room and under the table before any of the people notice what happened.

"Confusion gives way to indifference and the incident is ignored. Two thirty four, Drake yawns."

The creature poked its head up between the one called with the demon following it and the one that summons the sparkles. Neither of them notice it, too busy being bored. Across the table, the Feeder notices it, and begins to do a strange dance.

"The judge would like the accused to demonstrate the No-no-no for the sake of those watching," She said.

"Oh, come on. Everybody here saw it-"

"The judge would like to remind the accused just who is holding the cricket bat in this court."

Stephen growled. Seeing no other option, he began to demonstrate. The No-no-no consisted of shaking his head furiously while waving his arms in front of himself. Stephen did this for about a second before stopping.

"Wait, how did you do that if you had handcuffs on?" Adrian asked. Stephen lifted his hands to show that the chain had been snapped.

"Whatever. They were made of plastic anyway. Valerie, you may continue," Hati ordered.

"Two thirty eight, all Agents stop laughing long enough to continue the meeting. Stephen is quite visibly looking like he wished he was dead, but also seems wary of something."

The creature ducks under the table again, its natural curiosity drawing it towards a shiny object at the hip of one of the humans.

"Two thirty nine, Pete yawns. Two forty, I yawned."

The creature stealthily pulls the shiny object away from the human. It notices that there is a twist cap on it, and that there is a liquid inside of it. Using its small teeth, the creature tries to gnaw through the metal.

"Two forty five…"

Hey, it was metal, and the creature was just getting its baby teeth. However, the liquid inside of the metal case is worth the pain in its teeth. It is sweet, and glides down the creature's throat. The creature feels energy flowing through its veins…

"…Small green object starts bouncing around the room, screeching like a monster that just drank a full flask of Firebrand Whiskey."

'sthatoohwhat''mtirednow.

"Two forty six, object wears itself out and collapses in Stephen's arms. Object is identified by conscious Agents. Stephen attempts to make excuses, including, but not limited to, 'I've never seen it before in my life', 'It followed me home, I swear', and 'No, wait, Adrian, don't-'. Two forty seven, Adrian clonks Stephen on the head, knocking him unconscious. Tash captures the thing. Two forty eight, Hati calls meeting to a halt and goes to search for a proper wig for the first ever Society trial. Obviously giddy. End minutes," Valerie finished, sitting back down.

"Thank you, Valerie. Agent Stephen, you stand accused of harboring a potentially dangerous creature as a pet. How do you plead?" Hati asked.

"Innocent, Your Honor-san," Aster announced.

"Then let's get this trial underway. Prosecution, you may proceed."

"Your Honor, the prosecution would like to put up the caught monster as evidence," Tash announced from the prosecution table.

"Kitty, if you would," Tash requested. Adrian wheeled out a large covered cage, putting it in full view of the audience. When he pulled off the tarp covering it, many people panicked. Others were too busy preoccupied with the cute.

The 'thing' was about a foot and a half tall, with green skin, blue eyes, and three fingers and toes on each hand and foot. A small pair of stunted wings grew out of its back, and a beard of tentacles circled its mouth. Oh, and it was wearing a diaper. And was curled up on the bottom of the cage, napping.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the monster! A juvenile form of Cthulhu!" Tash announced. There was no reaction from the audience until Adrian held up a sign that read 'Gasp'.

Everybody gasped.

"The prosecution may now proceed with the questioning."

"Um… Polo!"

"Aster, please shut up."

"The prosecution calls the accused to the stand," Tash said. Grumbling under his breath, Stephen stood up and approached the table next to the Judge's stand. Adrian stepped forward, holding a Bible.

"Please place your right hand on the Bible and repeat after me," Adrian requested. Stephen took the Bible from him, set it aside, and placed a case of DVDs in Adrian's hands.

"Oh, whatever. Repeat after me: I swear to speak the-" Adrian was interrupted by Stephen clearing his throat.

"JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?" He screamed, making Adrian drop the holy material and cover his ears.

"I'll take that as a yes," Adrian decided, walking away. Tash approached the witness stand.

"Agent Stephen. Would you kindly tell us just what it is that is currently napping in the cage that has been presented as evidence?" Tash asked.

"…"

"Don't '…' me, Agent Stephen. Answer the question."

"It's Cthulhu. Although I call it Lil' C."

"Why do you call it Lil' C?"

"Because it's just a baby. Circa a few days after the universe's creation."

"And why do you have it?"

"Because I thought it was cute and nobody would be allergic to it."

"Disregarding the fact that the presence of an Elder God-"

"Junior God."

"-Junior God could turn the entire Society into a group of raving madmen and women?"

"Something beat Lil' C to it."

"…Good point. Now tell me, how is it that Cristoph, who is basically our only 'sane' member, is still fine? Why isn't Lil' C driving him nuts?"

"I plead the fifth on that one."

"We're not in America right now, Agent Stephen. Answer the question."

"Black jack!" Aster shouted, making Stephen hit his head on the witness stand.

"That's 'objection', and proceed."

"Your Honor, this court is functioning on the Phoenix Wright rules. The fifth may be pleaded."

"Sustained. Prosecution, please stop this line of questioning."

"Okay. Agent Stephen, would you please tell us how exactly you came to be in possession of this Junior God?"

"Back when I was originally thinking of a way for me to fight, I thought that you would let me fight using a Junior God. I went to R'lyeh at the beginning of the universe and lured Lil' C with a leg of chicken on a string."

"And didn't I tell you, upon noticing that you had this creature hanging off your back, to put it back?

"No, you just shouted 'Ste-PHEN' and I said that I would put it back. I never specified where I would put it, and just put it back in my room."

"And during your time MIA, how did Lil' C survive?"

"I keep a large amount of rations in my room. Lil' C must have hit them."

In the audience, Drake and Tyler looked at each other and grinned. It was fairly obvious what he meant by 'rations'.

"So, in conclusion, Lil' C is yours?"

"That is correct."

"Your Honor, the prosecution rests."

"The defense may cross-examine."

"Thank you, Your Honor-san," Aster said, standing up and replacing Tash in front of the witness stand. She cleared her throat, placing a pair of fake glasses on her nose.

"Agent Stephen-kun, where were you three days ago at around nineteen hundred hours?" She asked.

"I was, uh… in my room, I think."

"You hesitated."

"Hey, you put me on the spot. I had to, uh, jog my memory."

"So, you claim to have been in your room?"

"That is what I said."

"And you were not, of course, sneaking in to storage room number six?"

Stephen gulped.

"Why would you say that?"

"I would say that, Stephen-kun, because…" Aster slammed her hands down on the witness stand, "I saw you three days ago at nineteen hundred hours, sneaking into storage room number six!"

"Storage room number six is where we keep the phlebotinum…" Tash noted.

The court was completely silent. Stephen slowly lowered his head into his hands.

"Aster…"

"Yes, Stephen-kun? Did I do good?"

"You do know what you're trying to do here, right?"

"Kyaaa, a little bit. I was just doing like what Phoenix Wright-san would do."

"Aster, your job is to get me out of trouble, not get me in even MORE trouble!"

"Kyaaa…"

"Your Honor, can she get a do-over?"

"No. I'm adding 'phlebotinum thief' to the charges," Hati responded.

"Then can I get a new lawyer? Please?"

"Still no. Defense, you may continue."

"Yes, Your Honor-san. Now then, Agent Stephen-kun, why were you stealing the phlebotinum? Don't lie to me. I can tell when you're lying."

"I did it because I'm an alien with three arms, two and a half legs, and a major sweet tooth."

"Oh. Okay."

"That was sarcasm, Aster."

"Ohhhh."

"Anyway, I stole the phlebotinum because I needed it for Lil' C."

"Why did you need it for Lil' C-chan?"

"Because…" Stephen said, but was interrupted by a low growling from the cage. Lil' C had awoken.

"Aw crap. Is it three thirty?" Stephen asked. A glance at his watch told him that, yes, it was three thirty. Stephen cursed under his breath.

"Everybody, I would advise closing your eyes!" Stephen shouted, diving towards the cage, fishing through his pocket for something.

In the cage, Lil' C's eyes opened. Unlike before, when they were alight with playfulness and a childlike curiosity, they were now hard and icy. An ancient, almost unpronounceable tongue whispered from its mouth(s).

"Cthulhu tesd R'yleh… ds hyds opf vinc… ds hyds opf vinc… Hyds opf lst? (Translation: I am Cthulhu of R'yleh… the stars are gone… the stars are gone… Where have the stars gone?)" It groaned, a deep and guttural voice coming from its throat(s). As Stephen started to approach the cage, he, too, began to speak.

"Cthulhu! Bagd thard msksl nansk! (Translation: Cthulhu! This is not your age!)" Stephen hissed. The Junior God turned its head to face the mortal who had spoken in the Elder Tongue.

"…Vask. VASK! (Translation: …You. YOU!)"

"Vd. (Translation {Slang}: The stars do not shine in the skies here. Your time shall come one day, but not here, and not now. Now, you are my charge, and you are soul-bound to my soul, heart-bound to my heart, mind-bound to my mind. Return to your sleep, Sleeping Lord of R'yleh, for your body has yet to grow.)"

Lil' C was silent for a moment, face to face with Stephen at the bars of the cage. The audience had closed their eyes and covered their ears, for the sight of the Lord of R'yleh and the sound of the Elder Tongue could drive a man to even further madness.

Stephen pulled a small white pill out of his pocket, holding it out to the Junior God. After a moment, Lil' C spoke.

"...Gha yus? (Translation: …Can I at least get some water?)"

"Pok dgs. (Translation: Just take it.)"

"Keh. (Translation: Fine.)"

Lil' C took the pill from Stephen and swallowed it dry, making a face as it went down.

"Bvah! Soap qasi! (Translation: Ugh! It tastes like soap!)" It grunted, the hardness disappearing from its eyes slowly. Soon, they returned to their childlike appearance, and the Awoken Lord of R'yleh…

Sneezed.

Stephen laughed a bit and scratched its head. Lil' C made a soft purring noise.

One by one, the Agents in the audience opened their eyes and uncovered their ears, hoping that the problem had been resolved and they wouldn't be driven insane.

"What just happened?" Tash asked.

"That was why I needed the phlebotinum. When I brought Lil' C here, its body was a bit confused. Its elder, more matured consciousness was somehow able to find its way into its juvenile body, and the phlebotinum was the only way to make sure that the matured mind stayed out. When Lil' C has its normal, immature mind in control, it can't drive people insane. When the matured mind comes back, however, it can drive a man mad. So, I think I'm justified in that case," Stephen said, bending the bars of the cage and scooping up Lil' C. The Junior God started to snuggle up to him.

"Are the other Leaders in agreement that the charges of phlebotinum thievery should be dropped?" Hati asked. Adrian, Michael, and Tash all agreed. Hati slammed her gavel, and declared the charges dropped.

"The defense would like to take a nap, Your Honor-san."

"Noted. Prosecution, do you have anything left to say?" Hati asked.

"Yes, Your Honor. Ladies and Gentlemen, Agent Stephen has still been harboring a Junior God in his room without our knowledge, and he still needs to be punished properly for this fact. That is all."

"No real reason. Punishment shall be decided out of court. All Agents except for Stephen and the Leaders, please exit," Hati decided. The audience slowly filed out of the room until it was only Stephen standing in front of Hati, Tash, Adrian, and Michael.

Stephen gulped.

Later…

With his head held high, Stephen walked out of the courtroom, Lil' C hanging off his shoulders. The Agents waiting outside the door to hear what the punishment was perked up when Stephen came out of the courtroom.

"Well?" Inara asked.

"They said I could keep Lil' C," Stephen said. Lil' C made some jabbering noises from his shoulder.

"They let you keep it? Why?" Willie asked.

"I showed them just how snuggly Lil' C could be. Isn't that right?" Stephen said, scratching Lil' C's head near where its ears would be.

"What was the punishment, though?" Tyler asked.

"I just have to clean the Phoenix Zord top to bottom," Stephen said, still grinning. Tyler and Willie grimaced.

"Question: what do I have to do to be able to use this thing?" Inara asked, an evil grin on her face.

"One: you can't, and two: do I want to know why?" Tyler asked.

"Probably kill some people with it," The slightly sociopathic thirteen year old said.

"Willie, you are a really bad influence on her."

"Hey, I didn't do anything."

Stephen was still staring at the Zord, dumbstruck.

"Think he's okay?"

"I… I have to wax it, too…" Stephen muttered.

"He's not okay. He's royally screwed."

…Lil' C, the cutest little Eldritch Abomination EVAR.

Later (Or maybe earlier. I don't know. It happened, okay?)…

"Juari Ken – Abarai!" Tash called as she ripped through the Sue. The Sue's body faded into nothing, becoming one with the air of the Library. Tash leaned on her sword, panting for breath.

"One down…" She said, looking over the battlefield the Library had become, "A few… hundred… to go. Bollocks."

Nobody knew where the Sues and Stus had come from, or how they had gotten into the Library. Each and every one of the Sues and Stus was ridiculously strong, and it took a high-level agent to be able to take just one out. Even Adrian was struggling with defeating them.

Adrian snapped the neck of another Stu, but was kneed in the back by another one.

"Oh, give me a break!" He groaned as the Stu put him in a headlock. Another Stu took the place of the one he had just killed, and lifted an enormous katana, obviously with the intent to kill…

…Until the Stu's head disappeared from his shoulders. His body fell limp to the ground.

"The h-" Was all the Stu holding Adrian got out before being brained by his comrade's head traveling at the speed of a fastball.

"Well, it took you long enough," Adrian grumbled, shrugging off the now dead Stu. The newcomer bowed his head in apology.

"Sorry. It took me a while to clear out the other rooms. You all can take a rest; leave it all to me," The tall, muscular man said. Adrian nodded, glad for the reprieve from the fight.

"All Agents, retreat! Fall back!" Adrian ordered, knowing that with this man here, none of the other Agents would be necessary. As soon as the room was devoid of Agents, except for the big damn hero who had shown up, the fun could really begin.

"So, one Agent thinks he can take on all of us, huh?" A Sue sniggered. The man shook his head.

"I don't 'think' I can take on all of you," He said, "I know I can take on all of you."

And with that, he disappeared, and the Sues and Stus at the edge of the crowd started flying.

He was just one man. Yet he had surrounded an army through pure speed and strength.

And, oh, how they were screaming.

The man continued his rampage until there was only one Sue left, backed into a corner and terrified out of her mind.

"Y-y-you…" She stammered, "I th-thought you were j-j-just a bedtime story… s-something parents told their children to frighten them…"

"You seem frightened," The man said, bending down to look her in the eye.

"The Man of a Thousand Captures, of Ten Thousand Kills, the Agent Who Never Runs…"

The man reached out with a hand the size of a spade and grabbed her head, lifting her off the ground. She continued to speak.

"…The Army of One Man, the Slayer of Dragon's Nests…"

Stephen started to wind up for a throw…

"Agent… Stephen…" The Sue said. Those were her last words.

As he watched her fade from existence on the other side of the room, Stephen marveled at his own achievements. This marveling was put to an end when the Library started to shake, much more then it did when the Fourth Wall was broken. Above Stephen, a large piece of the ceiling fell…

"Stephen! Wake up!" Somebody said, shaking Stephen roughly.

"Huh? What?" Stephen grumbled. The memories started to flow back. Oh, right. He had been dragged down to the Basement to watch the Sue Factor with the other Agents. Stephen wasn't really a fan of reality television, but he couldn't find a way out of this mess, so he had decided to try and take a nap.

"Look! Look!" the Agent (Stephen couldn't tell who it was in the darkness) hissed, pointing at the screen. The sleep left Stephen's eyes the moment he saw just who it was on the screen.

Nameless.

"Holy crap, what's he doing there?" Stephen asked.

"We're here with Nameless, first round competitor in Sue Factor. Nameless, the judges called your performance 'lackluster', 'overwhelmingly dull', and 'like a dying rabbit, but I was the one dying'. However, they praised the original song you wrote for the competition, and I've heard that you've received several job offers from prominent music companies. What do you have to say about that?" The reporter on-screen asked, holding the microphone up to Nameless's face.

"As soon as I received the offers, I burned all of them," Nameless said flatly.

"I'm sorry?" The reporter said, obviously confused.

"I don't really give a *bleep* about the music, the prestige, or this ridiculous competition. I just needed to get a message out, and this was the fastest way to do it," Nameless said. The reporter shrugged.

"And I guess we're all the worse for it. Would you care to give us a demonstration of the song you sang, one more time?" The reporter requested, although her face was very clearly saying 'oh god please don't let him sing, please don't let him sing, he sounds like a pane of glass in a blender, please don't sing'.

"No. I will, however, give a little message, in case the idiot missed it," Nameless answered. Stephen leaned forward, knowing that he was the intended recipient of the message, and wondering what his creation wanted to say.

"Creator," Nameless drew his thumb across his neck, "You're a dead man."