Hi.. I recently had a few drinks with my mates boyfriend (with her permission) and later she started kicking off causing us of stuff even tho iv proved diffrent any way he comes round to me as he don't know any one eles but then leaves but knocks on again at 5 am I couldn't leave him on street and he told me was over and I was there for him as a mate as like I would her I gave him a hug and he kept trying to touch me and sometimes managed to even tho I kept telling him no we can't I couldn't do that to my mate or my boyfriend but after Afew more attempts he got the hint and left... Now I don't know what to do I feel really used as I was just wanting to be there for a mate going through a rough time I'v recently blocked all contact of him and her but now I don't know what to do or if was classes as everything cuz he left before went to anything eles

Thanks for coming to share your experiences. It sounds like you were in a difficult position. Although it doesn't sound like any abuse has taken place.

It can be really difficult when you feel stuck between a friend and their ex-partner. It sounds like you might need some help talking through what has happened. It might be helpful for you to speak with someone around what has happened. It might be helpful to contact the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90, they may be able to offer you some support.

Take care,
Luke

This is Abuse team - 29/03/2015

Milly

14/03/2015

I am with my boyfriend of 3 months now . Started off really great , opened car door for me . Very sweet and kind . Then I atared to se signs of jealousy and insecurities . He basically accuses me of cheating but blames it on his head playing with him and he says he knows I am a good girl . He got really angry when he wanted to be intimate and I didn't so he said he felt rejected which was not the case I just wasn't in the mood . When he gets angry I can't help but be wary of how he will react towards me . He got angry as I accidently hit him with my iPhone , the metal but by mistake off cause and he got so angry he pushed me and put his arm on my troat as he felt I wasnt listening . He had before which he said he wouldn't put his hands on me . Like I said he is a wonderful guy very protective of me maybe. He says he is addicted to me all the time and that he loves me very much and the reason he behaves this way is because he loves me but sometimes I find my self questioning what kind of love this is when I cannot predict what he will do to me when he ges angry and he can get angry over little things ... Please help as I am currently ignoring him as it is starting to get to me as I always told myself I would not want any man putting there hands on me because I seen it happen to my mum .

Thanks for coming forward to talk about your experiences. It must be really tough for you.

I'm glad you've taken some space away from him, it sounds like it is giving you some time to think about what is happening.

He is the only person that can control his behaviour, and the way he is behaving towards you is not ok. He can access support around his jealousy, and www.respectphoneline.org.uk have a great resource on managing jealousy. But I am worried that he put his arm on your throat, this is really dangerous and it wouldn't have taken much pressure for him to stop you breathing.

I understand that things seemed great in the beginning but for things to get this bad in the space of three months is worrying. Have you thought about talking to a professional about it? What you are experiencing is domestic abuse and there will be services in your area that can offer you support.

I think you are very aware that something is wrong, but you also need to know that you can't make him change, he has to decided he wants to change.

In the meantime it might be helpful for you to contact the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 to find out a bit more about what is available in your area. It might also be helpful to have a read through the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk.

Take care,

Luke

This is Abuse team - 27/03/2015

K

13/02/2015

I've recently been seeing this guy but nothing serious. I've told him that I'm not ready to have sex with him but he keeps getting dangerously close. I've even had to devise a 'safe word' because he wasn't listening when I said no and now he has stopped listening for the safe word too. The first time he stayed over, I woke up with some of my clothing removed but we just joked it off. However this morning I woke up to him touching me whilst he thought I was still asleep and I really don't know what to do, I feel really uncomfortable but I can't bring it up :s

Is there anyone else you can talk to about this? It seems like you have tried to tell him you don't want to do things, but he is ignoring this and I worry that he may eventually force you to have sex. Only you can decide if you want to continue seeing him, but I can't see him changing at the moment as he is clearly not listening to you.

You deserve to be respected and safe in a relationship and if you are not feeling like this, then you need to decide what to do and also get the support you need.
This is a really great organisation that can give you advice:http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

I have been with my partner since for almost 3 years now. He has always cheated on me throughout the whole time we have been together I have always taken him back. He has been on dating websites, planned to meet women for sex, called sex phone lines and has even planned to become a male escort behind my back. He has always lied to me about these things until I took it upon myself to find them out by going on his emails. I confront him about it and he promises he will change it will never happen again etc. at one point in the relationship he promised me a baby, we planned it all out and then when I got pregnant be made me get an abortion. He has made me get 2 abortions in our relationship. It has broken my heart. I cannot live with myself because of it, I have nightmares about it and I hate myself. Recently my partner has been getting more and more physically abusive. He has always been quite verbal, calling me a slag or a skank, making me feel like I'm not good enough to be with him. I suffer with severe migraines and I have to sleep them off to feel better so I was in bed yesterday morning and it got to about 12 o clock and my partner came into the bedroom and told me that his clothes needed washing for him to take yo work with him today and the house needed cleaning. I asked him if he wouldn't mind putting his clothes in the washing machine as I didn't feel very well and I would tidy the house up in a little while when I'm feeling a bit better. He started going off his head at me, shouting, pulling the blanket off me, calling me a lazy bitch etc he says that he works 60 hours a week to give me this life and the least I can do is clean up. I clean up everyday, even ehen I'm not feeling well I still do it but I was just in so much pain yesterday I couldn't do it. I started crying because he was being so abusive and he was on top of me on the bed shouting at me saying that if I don't like it then I should leave him (he says that to me atleast once a day) I said to him every time I have tried to leave in the past he stops me so then he punched me in the side of my head and spat in my face. I Got a massive lump on my head straight away and it bruised up. He grabbed my phone off me straight away after that and wouldn't give it back to me until I had calmed down. To stop him being more mean to me I just got out of bed after calming down and started doing the washing. He stopped me and started to argue more with me but I just agreed with him and apologised saying I can see that I was being unreasonable and he said I'm mental if I think that he is in the wrong although he apologised for hitting me and spitting on me. He went out all day and I just slept all day when I woke up he came back and he was all over me saying how much he loved me and was kissing me and saying how sorry he was. When we went to bed he even tried having sex with me but I said I was too tired. I felt sick by him. How could somebody treat someone they claim to love like that? I needed to post on here for reassurance because he makes me feel like nobody thinks I'm right but surely I am right in saying he was wrong by what happened? I am so hurt right now every time I think of it I feel tears trickling down my face. It's distracting me at work, it's horrible. Then he will have ago at me for being upset still saying I play the victim all of the time. Please tell me, am I in the wrong here ? Did I really deserve that? I don't know whats right anymore. I just need somebody to talk to.

I am so very sorry to hear about the awful abuse you are experiencing. You have been through so much and are being so brave.

None of this is your fault, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. It is very common for abusers to blame the person they are hurting so they don't have to take responsibility themselves. However, this is not true and is another form of abuse in itself. You did not deserve any of this.

I am really concerned about the level of physical and emotional abuse and control. The most important thing is your safety and well-being.

Does anyone else know what has been happening? Can you tell anyone at work? It is good that you have that space away from him as you can safely contact people for help.
I think the best thing to do is to call the national domestic violence helplne - they are open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
You can also call the police anytime and they will have a duty of care to investigate and protect you. They can tell you about injunctions and other orders that you can get to keep him away from you.

I think it will help you if you can tell people about what is happening - people at work, family, friends, doctor - anyone you trust. You do not need to cope with this alone.

The helpline can also tell you about refuges - these are safe houses where you can stay and he won't be able to find you. It's just one of the options open to you to think about.

It's so good that you have reached out for support, now you have the info you need to get the support and help that you need to stay safe and free from abuse,
take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 16/02/2015

Em

11/01/2015

I've been married 6 yrs my husband does love me... but twice he has spat in my face. .. he's cheated and says vile things when we argue but after always says I should just ignore him nothings meant by it... anyways recently I had enough of his jealous ways (over my female best friend) I ended it but now he insists he's changed all in space 2 weeks.. I just can't bring myself to let him get his feet under the table again

Hi Em
Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear about how difficult things have been. Spitting in your face, and saying horrible things are not ok and are both forms of abusive behaviour. And I can understand how awful it is when someone cheats on you.

I think you have been really strong by ending the relationship and it sounds like the best thing for your wellbeing and safety. It is quite common for people to say they have changed in order to get someone to come back to them, and for the first few weeks maybe it would seem better but the worry is they will start to return to their previous abusive behaviour. Only you truly know what he has been like and if you think this change is possible, but it sounds to me like you have done the right thing.

I think you need your space and in time if he has changed and really takes responsibility for his behavaiour and the impacts it has on you, then maybe things can be different but right now I think you are doing the right thing. I hope you have got people around you to support you? Try to talk to people and tell them what has been happening. You could also get a referral to counselling from your GP if you feel that would help.

I hope this helps,
take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 12/01/2015

Anonymous

04/11/2014

i have just got back with my boyfriend a few months ago after leaving him for physically abusing me. i had left him for 2 and a half years and decided to get back with him because he said he had changed. ever since we have gotten back hes hit me twice again leavin me with bruises. he has strangled me. called me names and slalpped me. he has taken on anger management counselling but then left he admits hes gt anger issues and a short fuse and takes full blame. im really confused and upset because we have had good times but surely he cant love me if hes making me feel like this.. hes told me mulitple times that im not allowed to leave him what should i do?

We’re really sorry to hear you have been suffering physical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.

It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

I have been with my boyfriend nearly 7 months, he's 20&I'm 16 (nearly 17) when we argue he'll grab me, he's never actually hit me but he's dragged me by my hair,spat at me,grabbed me & sat on top of me. I can't tell anyone because stuff that's happened in the past between him & my family. He also accuses me of speaking to lads, constantly checking my phone,always on my facebook & doesn't trust me in the siltiest I've never ever cheated or messaged anyone so I don't understand why he's like that? Even when I take my little cousin out he'll say 'what lads was there' 'who did you speak to' it's really starting to bother me. He says he loves me & he wouldn't be anyone without me & that he needs me?? I just don't know what to do because I do love him & don't want to leave him but I don't know if he should do this or not?..

Thanks for your message. We are really sorry to hear about what you have been going through.

We are sorry to hear you have been suffering abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth.

Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour. Emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent
or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the bullying is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult.

It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a
relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't
want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.

As you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can
contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

We hope that this helps, and that you get the support you need and deserve.

Take care,
The This Is Abuse Team

10/06/2014

leah

27/05/2014

me and my boyfriend have been in abusive relationship and I'm getting to the point where i feel like its happening again. He says he love me even though he's cheated on me twice..he says that i look horrible at parties and why i can't i dress up like other girls?. He also used to get his friends to call me names. im getting to the point were i feel useless but its hard because sometimes hes really loving and caring i need some advice what to do? i wanna brake up with him but whats the easy way to say it?

Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.

It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship - no matter what kind. It’s also very important to leave the relationship safely. There are many reasons why people don't feel they can leave. Fear is a huge one, also uncertainty about what to do/who can help. If you are still with this person or in contact with them, we would urge you to think about completing a safety plan like this: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/47-keeping-safe-in-an-unhealthy-relationship.html

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).

We hope that this helps and that you're able to get the support you need.

Take care,
The This Is Abuse Team

29/05/2014

jhon

15/05/2014

me and my girlfriend are always arguing, but she always buts the blame on me and uses my past against me, i know i have done some bad things and i admit to them but she does not realise what she has done, all my friend and family say get out but i cant i cant do it, i have been throu a lot of pain in my life, i cant do it, im beginning to think i deserve everything she does to me, controlling me and and cheating on me

We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering abuse in your relationship. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.

A lot of people who have experienced abuse will blame themselves. However, the responsibility lies solely with the abuser, never with you. This can be hard to get your head around. Just because the abuse went on for a long time, does not mean you were complicit in this. Please remember, you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour.

Talking about what's happening is really important and you can get help. You can speak in confidence by calling the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk

We hope this helps and that you get the support you need and deserve.

Take care,

15/05/2014

Melissa

04/04/2014

My boyfriend and me have been in a abusive relationship and sometimes it would get out of hand and he would grab a belt and hit me with it or he'll force himself on to me and rape me without me saying yes or no. He doesn't even allow me to wear skirts anymore neither long or short. I can't even go out with my friends anymore. It's like I am the only one experiencing this and that I deserve all this. I don't know what to do. What should I do?

Thank you for your message. It’s brave of you to share what is happening in your relationship here. I can hear how frightening the situation you are in is and how much you need a bit of support at this time.
The things you describe in your message are very concerning. Your boyfriend is being very violent and raping you, as well as being controlling. All the things you have written he does are serious crimes. You have done nothing to deserve the way you are being treated. There is support out there for you to access.

Are you able to talk about what is happening with anyone in your life, family, friends or a trusted adult? What is happening to you is not ok and you should not be treated in this way. You deserve to be treated with love and respect by a partner. If you don’t feel you can talk about this with anyone you know you can call Rape Crisis, they work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence and are open 12-2.30 & 7-9.30 every day. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999. You may also want to call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. The more support you have the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next. It sounds like you are in danger at the moment. You can also call 999 if you are being hurt, or frightened you are about to be hurt. What your boyfriend is doing is illegal.

We also have a live chat from 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk more about this with one of the team.
Take care,
Becca

04/04/2014

marie

18/02/2014

My partner of 4 years forced himself on me after we had been drinking, this is not the 1st time it has happened, now I feel really uncomfortable with him

I am not surprised that you feel uncomfortable, rape is a very traumatic experience. Has anything like this ever happened before?
Has he done anything else that has worried you?

You can contact rape crisis, they are lovely and will be able to listen and offer you advice.http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
They have a freephone helpline
0808 802 9999 which is open from 12 - 2.30pm
and 7 - 9.30pm.

It is really important that you get some support to help you cope with this, we also have a live chat which runs every mon-fri 5-7pm if you want to talk more,
take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 19/02/2014

Anonymous

27/01/2014

I was in a relashionship with my girlfriend for 3 years and slowly realised that she has been abusing me but I don't want to leave her what should I do and is it to late to get help

There are some specialist services to support people in abusive relationships whether they want to leave the relationship or not.

For women over 16 there is the National 24 Hour Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247.

For men there is the Men’s Advice Line 0808 802 0327.

For young people and children there is Child Line 0800 1111.

You are also very welcome to use the live chat function here to speak with one of our advisors from 5pm – 7pm Monday to Friday.

Take Care,

Brian.

28/01/2014

Rachel

23/01/2014

I am 16 now but when I was about 14 I went to my first party. It was my first time drinking so I got pretty drunk I live In a small town so I walked home but before I started to leave a boy ran up and forced me into a bedroom. He told me to take off my clothes but when I refused he held me down that is when it happened after that he left me and I went home and never told anyone but I was just wondering if it is not to late to tell someone

Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you.
It is never too late to tell anyone about rape or sexual assault, or indeed any kind of abuse. You are being really brave to want to get some help and to talk about it.
The best thing to do would be to ring rape crisis who are lovely and will be able to listen to you and help you if you want to talk to the police:

If you look on their website you can also email them or find a local service near to you.
How would you feel about telling someone in your family about what happened? I know that may feel scary but what happened was not your fault at all, and you will need some support in coping with what happened.

If you want to talk more to us we have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.

I hope this helps,
take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 23/01/2014

Gemma

19/01/2014

I guess my boyfriend has been abusing me for about 4 months now. I thought he was just being passionate and stuff, but now I realize that he abuses me. We have a lot of sex, an often I don't want to. Sometimes he'll just stick his hand down my pants, ....then tell me to take my shirt off. if I say no, then he yanks my shirt off for me and he's always too rough in sex. I hate it, but I'm scared to leave him. Help?

Hi Gemma
Thank you for contacting us. I am really glad that you did as it sounds like your boyfriend is being very sexually abusive. If he is forcing you to have sex against your will then this is rape.

I understand that you feel too scared to leave him - is this because you are worried about what he might do?
Don't worry, there are lots of people who can help you. Have you told anyone about this? There is a really great organisation called Rape Crisis who can give you some advice and support. They will listen and believe you (and remember, none of this is your fault) - 0808 802 9999
/ http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

If you do want to leave him, it is important that you do this safely: tell other people (like friends or family) what you plan to do (you don't need to tell them everything that has been happening) and try not to be on your own when you tell him. Make sure you are in a public place if you meet him in person. You may also need to change your phone number if you think he will try and contact you or harass you afterwards. You also need to think about whether he may contact you online (you can block him from facebook/email etc).

I know this feels scary, but you deserve to be safe and you do not have to cope with this alone. You can also come onto our live chat which we run every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more,

take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 20/01/2014

Anonymous

14/01/2014

I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years know, and I noticed signs of abuse just before I went away to university. I had always felt controlled, but this is when it got serious. I was too scared to tell him I was going away for definite, so it caused me to lie and say I might be changing university. I didn't want him to leave me! When eventually I told him I was definitely going away, it was horrible. I was trying to pack and get all my work done, but he would call me and call me and call me and make me promise that I would never break his trust, never go drinking without him, never meet up with people without him. I agreed because I didn't want to upset him. When I eventually got to university, he told me if I rang and I didn't pick up then he would leave me, if I didn't reply to a text then he would leave me. I wasn't allowed to go into my kitchen if guys were there or to make friends with girls either in case they were bad influences and made me want to go out. I lost contact with all of my school friends because he hated me talking to them and not him in the evenings, he hated me seeing them because he thought they would persuade me to leave him.
I suffered all of this for a year of university, but the main thing was him not letting me see or talk to my mum. He thinks that she is trying to break us up all of the time, when really she is just concerned about me and my health and my studies. I ended up changing university to live at home so I could see him more and he wouldn't worry about me being with guys every evening. I try and hide my phone because I am worried someone will message me who he doesn't know about or want me to talk to. I have ended up having a second life, as I am not allowed to make friends. I am not allowed to add friends on facebook, and I have to tell him who is at home when I'm home, what I'm doing, where I am.
When I am with him I am madly in love with him, but when I'm not i feel like I have a surveillance camera attached to my head and that I have to tread on egg shells. He is never physically abusive but I feel stuck in a box. I have found someone that I like, who knows all of this, but I am too scared to think about leaving him. I love him too much to hurt him, but the relationship is affecting my health.
Am I silly for being in love with him after him making me give up my life, friends and hobbies for him? Am I silly for being scared to leave him and hurt him? Is it so wrong that I have found someone else?
I am so ashamed of my life, I don't know what to do next.

To everyone who has posted.. you are all so brave and strong. what you have been through is awful, but there is help out there along with support you dont have to suffer alone or in silence. abuse of any kind is wrong. just please tell someone especially a teacher or youth worker because they will help you.

best wishes to every single one of you

xxxx

emily - 06/02/2014

Thank you for your message, I am so glad you got in touch. What you are describing is very concerning as your boyfriend has total control over you and is being very emotionally abusive. He does not have the right to control who you talk to, where you go or what you do. You should not fee you have to have a second life.

You say that you live at home again, is that with your mum? Does she know what has been happening? I know you said she was concerned.

I want you to know that none of this is your fault, and I don't think you are silly at all. It is very common to still love someone even though they are abusive but I am glad that you recognise it is affecting your health - abuse can be incredibly traumatic and the impacts of it can last for a long time.
It is also not silly to be scared to leave him, this is also a common feeling, and I also don't think it is wrong that you have feelings for someone else who represents a life where you are not controlled and abused.

It is very important that other people know about what is going on in order to keep you safe and give you space to talk. This can be family/friends/uni tutor/counsellor etc
I think it is also a good idea to contact some specialist support. You can contact the helpline on 0808 2000 247 (24 hours/day) or if you want to write back with your rough location we can email you local service info.

We also have a live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm.
What is happening to you is serious, but you do not have to go through it alone,
I hope this helps
take care
Jo