The Ongoing Struggle

With every entry I post, I input a minute piece of myself. It helps me to write about the experience. Today is no different. Every few weeks, I find myself falling backwards into a depressive funk. Sometimes there is a specific trigger, and other times it just slaps me across the face like a ton of bricks without any warning. The funk can last anywhere from a day or two up to a few weeks. It has gotten to the point of daily panic attacks and crippling depression. It causes me to call out of work or cancel plans with friends/family. I am going through one of those funks as we speak.

Those of you who know me personally know that I look at situations objectively and through a realistic lens. I do not sugarcoat whatsoever. I am not writing this post for your pity or sympathy. I simply want you to know that this is an ongoing battle. Self-care, and more importantly, self-preservation, is a daily struggle.

I have been dealing with panic disorder and major depression since the age of twelve. I have seen countless counselors, taken multiple medications, and even tried holistic medicine. In the beginning, I thought these thoughts and feeling was temporary and would eventually resolve themselves or go away. As time went on, the exact opposite was true. I realized that it was more permanent, but that I could at least make it more manageable.

The strongest tool in this endeavor was myself. I grew to understand myself. I learned my triggers, warning signals, behavioral patterns, coping strategies, support network, etc. I developed my insight and grew to understand myself. A new pattern emerged. The “funks” were still happening, but they were not lasting as long.

The biggest difference was that I now had the knowledge and tools to fight back and make life a little bit easier.