Monday, March 06, 2006

The trouble started Last Week. I received An Angry E-mail from The Woman Who Told Me About The Knitting Group. You may recall, she was The One Who Complained That Boys She Met On-Line Never Called Her Again and it turned out she was meeting them in The CASUAL ENCOUNTERS Section of Craig's List. The Subject Line of Her Letter read, "A Few Issues I Have With You Right Now." Baffled, I opened The Note.

"Dear The Daily Randi: I didn't want to say anything the other night, because I didn't want to embarrass you. But, I have a few issues with you right now.

The previous week you made a comment about how you wouldn't pass judgment on me because I took a job in the porn industry. But by saying that you were making a judgment. I feel like you make a lot of judgments about me. You make me feel like I don't "measure up" because I don't meet your standards. And, this hurts my feelings.

I invited you to join The Group because I thought you were Cool. This is really bothering me, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything. Signed, The Woman Who Told You About The Knitting Group"

"Huh?" I thought, re-reading The Letter. Thinking back, I couldn't recall A Single Conversation I had had with this woman outside of, "I Will Help You Fix That Dropped Stitch." And, "I Really Like Your Yarn." Oh, and, "You are Meeting Them On CASUAL Encounters? I thought that was only for Gay People!" Sure, the week before, she had Refused To Tell All Of Us About Her New Job because she said She Was Mortified and Couldn't Even Tell Her Parents Where She Worked and when she Finally and Very Dramatically Told Us she was Working In The Dirty Porn Industry, I kindly said, "Oh. I am not going to Judge You for That!" But, I didn't think I was Passing Any Sort Of Judgment by saying I Wasn't Going To Judge Her. I simply meant, I Wasn't Going To Judge Her! After all, not Two Minutes Later, I was Telling Another Woman In The Group How Much I Adored Dates At Jumbo's Clown Room, despite it being A Well-Known, Dirty, Los Angeles Stripper Joint. Just by Judging This Conversation, one can see that I Wasn't Judging Her New, Dirty, Porn Industry Job! But, really, when One Takes A Job Working In The Dirty Porn Industry, can one expect Not To Be Judged by most people? I mean, that is kind of like Meeting A Boy On Craig's List's CASUAL ENCOUNTERS and Expecting Him To Actually Call Again After The Encounter. As far as Meeting My Standards, I can't Help Her. Lots of people Don't Meet My Standards. Like Paris Hilton's (Alleged) Filthy Vagina. Way Not Up To Par. And Lindsey Lohan's (Alleged) Lousy Coke Habit. So Not Cool. Charlize Theron's (Totally Apparent) Fugly "I Have A Parrot On My Shoulder, Ahoy Mate-y!" Oscar Dress? Totally Beneath Me. But, they ain't writing me letters.

Naturally, I had to Respond. I was Ruthless as I explained in my e-mail to Knitting Lady that I was Unable To Judge My Response during Our Apparent Judgment/Dirty Porn Industry Job Exchange as I have had More Lengthy Conversations with The Clerk Who Bags My Groceries At The Local Ralph's. The Grocery Clerk, by the way, knows I Think People Who Request "Plastic" over "Paper" Are Awful and That I believe Us Magazine is Still Superior to All Other Periodicals, including The Revamped, Star. And then I politely expressed to Knitting Lady that I Did Not Care for Her Preference for Metal Needles. Which of course, elicited The Following Responses from Knitting Lady:

Day Number One -

"Dear The Daily Randi, You just don't get it. Signed The Woman Who Told You About The Knitting Group"

and Day Number Two and My Personal Favorite:

"Dear The Daily Randi, I have been thinking some more and you need to seriously look from within because you're the one with issues and you're a bully. Yes, You Bully People. I've seen you do it to others beside me. And, I'm not going to let you bully me nor ruin my knitting experience. I'm one of the founding members of the group and have been enjoying it for a long time now. So...from now on I will be civil to you and you will in turn be civil to me. Capice. I hope so."

Oh and by the way, I don't appreciate the comments you made about The Group Leader. And neither would she. Signed The Woman Who Told You About The Knitting Group. Only Because I Thought You Were Cool."

Wow! A Bully? Quickly, I thought back to times I had Bullied the other members of The Knitting Group. Did I Corner Someone and Demand They Hand Over Their Yarn Stash? Had I Followed Anyone Home and Stolen Their Knitting Money? Had I Purposefully Tripped A Member With My Measuring Tape and Laughed? No, No, NO! Clearly, This Woman was Cuckoo! Not only that, but I have No Idea what Comments I Apparently Made About The Group Leader that Crazy Cuckoo Knitting Lady was referring to! Crazy Cuckoo Knitting Lady was The Bully! Not, I!

So, leave it to I, The Daily Randi, to get Kicked Out Of A Knitting Circle By A Crazy Cuckoo Knitting Lady For Being Overly Judgmental, A Huge Snob and A Big Giant Knitting Experience Bully. I have to say, I am Kind Of Proud Of Myself.

The last time Something Like This Happened, it was Junior High and I was getting kicked out of Mathletes.

Well, I will admit, Not Being Good At Math and Wanting To Spend More Time Hanging Out With The Cool Kids had a little something to do with that, too.