The He Says, Zee Says Mailbag, Volume 1

Welcome to the first ever official He Says, Zee Says mailbag, where silliness, political incorrectness, and Cary Grant’s body hair reign supreme! We had a blast going through the tons of questions you emailed, tweeted, or Facebook-ed us, and hope you enjoy our answers too!

We’re very tolerant of insane, dumb, or stupid questions, and are incredibly grateful for the chance to unleash our inner Ernie Baron. Or, Kuya Kim, at the very least, minus the cool hat.

And so, let’s get crackin’, sexies!

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Q: What do you think of men with prominent nose hairs? (Jack S.)

Zee: Aaaaand we’re off to a great start.

I find them mesmerizing, actually. I love how the hairs blow in and out as he breathes, and the way they sway left and right as the man talks. He could be the most boring conversationalist, but his nose hairs would make him a winner. Sometimes, I give them names like Jack and Toto, the nose hairs. Toto is part hair, part mole, as he pokes in and out. Toto is cute.

MDJ uses this electric nose hair trimmer that he has graciously offered for me to use. That’s fine with me, but have you ever poked a finger up your nose after using those things? It’s all bristly and sharp. Definitely not as cute as Toto.

MDJ: First, an infographic.

God, I love infographics.

Now, as a man cursed to the doom and gloom of male pattern baldness, I have an innate sympathy to any non-scalp hair a man can have on his head.

I tend to over-compensate for my baldness with weird artsy-fartsiness on my facial hair; could you imagine the wonderful possibilities one could do with a thick protruberance of nose hairs?? Dreadlocks are an exciting possibility, as would be braids. I think the ultimate facial hair combination would be nose hairs tied into braids, then joined by the tip to one’s handlebar mustache. That would be fierce.

Nose hairs are fine. Just don’t forget that like all other hair, a regular wash and some distinctive styling is always welcome.

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Q: I want to know if women find men with hairy arms sexy. I have a vested interest in this. (Anthony A.)

Zee: I ask you the same question; do you find girls with hairy arms sexy? Because I have hairy arms. Not as hairy as some, but hairy nonetheless. I do understand your concern, as I’ve been called so many different names as a kid. “Monkey” was the most common, but I never really allowed it to bother me. I was too busy enjoying the effects of static electricity as I rubbed a balloon and tested it on the long locks of my arm. The joy of seeing it stand on end was immeasurable.

If you weren’t the weird nerd I was, you may feel bad. My suggestion is that you embrace it, love it, grab a balloon, and start rubbing. Confidence and nerdiness is the new sexy.

Imagine the fun and joy I have with MDJ’s arm, leg, and chest hair plus rubbing a balloon. Oh, so kinky!

MDJ: What is it with all these hair-related questions? I feel like Head & Shoulders should be offering us a hefty sponsorship. We accept PayPal, you know.

Cary Gran shows off his new sweater.

But on your question – I do think a man should have a bit of foliage on him. A man should only have a completely hair-free body if he’s a) an Olympic swimmer, or b) a burn victim. You, my friend, are neither.

Plus, Cary Grant exposed probably the most iconic display of manly hairiness in North by Northwest, and I don’t see any women complaining. David Hasselhoff wishes he was him. If it’s good enough for Cary, it’s good enough for you.

One caveat though: If it goes above the elbow, wax it off. Dashing Diva does a great job at this. I can’t recommend them highly enough. Otherwise, just avoid cashmere sweaters, where body hair has a nasty tendency to poke through, making you look like a Mister Rogers cactus.

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Q: Do you believe in imaginary friends? The Phoebe Cates version. (Louren C.)

Zee: First of all, I will be honest and tell you that I had to Google if Phoebe Cates did have an imaginary friend. It seems you are referring to the movie Drop Dead Fred.

The first modern day reference to “Drop Dead Fred” in 14 years.

As MDJ would know, I’m really bad with pop culture references. I grew up doing strange things like ballet and sports, nothing much beyond that. Secondly, you’re asking people who go to Opus in their heads. Of course I believe in imaginary friends! It’s just unbelievably fun to share secrets with a friend who answers the way you want them to, and says the things you can’t. It’s wonderful to have an automatic scapegoat when things go haywire. “My imaginary friend did it/said it!” can be an easy way out. But alas, we need to grow up and we find out that “imaginary friend” isn’t a figment of our imagination and actually does have a name called “Chemical Imbalance.”

So, if ever you do have an imaginary friend beyond the age of 8, I suggest seeing a therapist. Don’t worry, “Chemical Imbalance did it!” works just as well. It even sounds cooler.

MDJ: What are you talking about? I’m super popular. I have millions of friends. What do I need an imaginary one for?

Just look at the misadventures that Big Bird had with Mister Snuffleupagus. The folks on Sesame Street seriously wanted to have him committed. Imaginary friends only get you into trouble, and make people give you weird looks. The only time I’d want the name “Big Bird” associated with me is if I took up a new career in the porn industry.

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Q: Are you a good person? (Ann)

Zee: This has got to be the toughest question, Ann. I guess I can be categorized as good as I try to live each day without hurting anyone, and really try to live my life doing what’s right. I do admit I am a tad too honest and not a lot of people can take that. So, I may be a good person for some and a bane for others since I may say things they don’t want to hear. Right, MDJ?

MDJ: Ahem. For the sake of domestic peace, I have no comment on that. True story: I took a personality type profiling once, and I was characterized as a “peacemaker.” Meaning I’m the kind of guy who values harmony, cohesiveness, peaceful coexistence, and goodwill to all mankind.

I can be sarcastic, bitchy, and preachy once in a while though. But that’s all right, because in my head I’m always justified.

Q: What is ONE food item or drink that you had when you were a kid that you want back which is either no longer available in the Philippines or simply just no longer available? (Chio H.)

Zee: Horlicks the candy would be top of mind. It’s a malt candy that Ovalteenies tried to copy, but just doesn’t compare. Violet Crumble is also something I don’t see around anymore. It had a malt base too. Like a bar of Maltesers. Notice how all the foods I miss are malt based? I think that’s why I eventually shifted to beer. I blame my former alcoholic self on candy.

MDJ: Easy. Magnolia Chocolait in a glass bottle. All you 80’s kids know what I’m talking about. None of that lame watered-down polypropylene or tetra pak crap – I am convinced that the glass bottle made it taste at least 8 times better than the over-manufactured modern Chocolait.

This bad boy sells for PHP 350 on eBay, would you believe?

Either that, or the days when McDonald’s Big Mac was genuinely a BIG Mac, and not the sad Medium Mac it is today. Us macho men need our protein, you know.

*****

And that concludes our first ever edition of the official He Says, Zee Says mailbag! Do keep your questions coming! We love the chance to actually have a pseudo-conversation with all of you!

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