Is there street parking for my bike? And enough closet space for my boots?

Quick! Name one of the most arduous tasks in NYC. That’s right! Apartment hunting! And why is that? Because there are millions of bizarrely laid out apartments filled with all manner of citizens with at least a quirk or five and you’ll be paying insane sums of money to live in these places! YEAH! NYC!

I’ve been on the apartment hunt for over two weeks now and so far I’ve seen 8 places I do NOT want to live and crossed off several blocks in town that I never want to transverse again (on the plus side I have refined my searching methods and know where I want to live and what I’m looking for in a living situation…so it’s been a good learning experience). Here are a few of the choice encounters:

The first place I saw was in response to a Craigslist ad with a guy named Bruce. When I arrived at the apartment, I called Bruce and he said, “Oh you’re here! Great, I’ll send my son right down to let you in.” Son?? Turns out Bruce is the dad of a 19 year old boy named Matt who is the actual prospective roommate. Nineteen years old. After looking around the apartment Bruce took me aside, put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Of all the people who have come by today, you have the best energy. I’d love for you to be Matt’s roommate and friend.” NOPE! Nope nope nope. I’m not looking for a mentor situation here. Matt is a cute young man with a muscle boy body (he’s a wrestler and so innocent looking…ggrrrr) but I’m looking to share my space with an equal and not a boy. Next.

Then came Debbie on the UWS with a 3-bedroom where my bedroom could be a vampire’s tomb room: long and narrow, one tiny slit of a window that faces a dark alley, a mirror that shows no reflections…well, made that part up. The day I saw the apartment was also the day a giant leak had destroyed the ceiling in the bathroom and thus making it impossible to use the toilet without getting wet (in an un-fun way). Debbie was cool and a reader of A Song of Ice and Fire series, but I just didn’t feel like it was going to work out (also the living room and the kitchen were at opposite ends of the looong L-shaped apartment). Next!

Things only got better from there. My next appointment introduced me to a charming but strange little old woman who was renting out a massive house up in Harlem. There were 4-bedrooms/3-baths with 3 other housemates who were all < 24 years old. The house was pretty cool, messy, but had potential and there was a dog named George. George attacked the little old lady while we were viewing the house and tore her sweater. Then I thought I saw bedbugs. NEXT!

Finally there was Kyle who lives on a quiet street really close to a subway stop and next to a grocery store and laundry. The building is lovely from the outside and I was truly charmed by the area. I buzzed the apartment and waited with a hopeful smile. Kyle didn’t answer…some lady did and directed me to Kyle’s down on the ground floor. Ok, no worries…ground floor! The ad did say “garden apartment”. I finally find Kyle and he ushers me in to a…an…office…? YES! Kyle is living in a space that was previously used as commercial space! He’s even kept the reception desk in the “living room”. The “bedrooms” are windowless squares that use to be offices and there’s no kitchen! And no shower. And is this a joke? Seriously, Kyle, wtf? Kyle assures me he intends to install a shower and a kitchen in 3 days time. Whatever, let the tour continue…the coolest part of the apartment was the back yard that’s huge and lush and well maintained. And shared with the church next door who doesn’t allow alcohol in the yard. ACK! NEXT!!!!

So the search continues and I wonder if when I move I’ll still be able to get to the Eagle on Thursdays. Seriously, I’m opting to stay in the upper reaches of Manhattan instead of Brooklyn in part because that means getting home late from the Eagle is still doable (also the bf lives in Harlem). I also wonder what it will be like to wear gear around my new neighborhood. Living in the East Village no one really cares…but will the residents of Harlem feel the same? I have worn neoprene shorts and boots in Harlem and had a couple people laugh at me and one girl hollar a flattering remark about my booty, but in general I’m a bit nervous about gearing it up on streets above 110th. I predict future blog posts inspired by these explorations…