I'm the one having an emotional affair

I am the spouse of a man with untreated ADHD. There are good times but there have been horrible times when he's told deplorable lies to avoid conflict, and has saddled me for years with the majority of the financial responsibility of our family and has emotionally abused me.

I love him but I'm burnt out from our marriage and I struggle to feel attracted to him. And I just don't feel valued and seen by him.

Enter the ex and the big dramatic love of my life who I was off and on with for most of my 20's. We reconnected a few months ago and mostly IM but it's become more frequent, and there have been a few epic phone conversations. He is also married with kids and lives far away so although we've both admitted to still having strong feelings we won't be acting on it. But the contact is intoxicating and honestly just gives me something I don't get from my marriage.

Comments

Re your screen name, yes you can't talk to many people, if any offline, about the situation you're in that you describe. I imagine that you can't talk to many, if any, about the impacts of your husband's ADHD generated and ADHD related behavior either. Living in a household that has ADHD (let alone ADHD plus other things out of relational whack) in it can be very lonely. People on the outside don't see in. I guess I just wanted to extend some sympathy that years of loneliness and or not being treated kindly and or being lied to, and or having to do the work or whatever to be the one to clean up financial messes would leave anyone holding any of those bags feeling emotionally starved.

I read your post a few times. Can't talk, it comes across to me as a very much needed vent and naming of your situation. You didn't asked to be judged. If you've been emotionally abused (whether your husband is aware of the impact of what he does, or whether he remembers it, a half hour or a day later), likely no, at this point, you do not want judgment.

So a couple things

First, if you haven't found it yet...I'm still figuring out that the site now crossreferences Melissa's blogs with this side of the discussion board...or I think it does.... but if you haven't found it yet, the site owner Melissa Orlov has a post over on her blog side about emotional relationships outside of a relation that has ADHD in it.

Second, about the long distance feature of your relation.....just that part alone. It seems to me from having done one of those, though not in your marital situation, that yes there can be some consolation and new interest in starting a relationship online. I, too, started one with a very old flame. Eventually, you'll either have to take the relationship to offline, if you're going to pursue it, or if in fact you got into the LD relation online because you were lonely and hadn't been treated like an attractive person and your love and affection had no where to go, the LD relationship won't be enough for you. Just human nature, I think.

You'll likely be taking stock of a lot of things, due to this LD relation. I discovered, to my horror, that LD relations, since they are intermittent and not in real time and space simultaneous encounter...there's a lot, a whole lot hidden about them. I discovered that I was putting my own fantasies and desires into the "information gaps" of a LD internet and phone relation. You might keep an eye out for that. It's a path to some sadness, or was to me.

I don't think I ever planned to pursue the emotional affair offline. Or I know I don't plan to break up my family for it. And I imagine he doesn't want that either. We're trying to be more cautious.

Thanks for understanding. The friends I have talked to about my husband always say 'you'll have to forgive him' what they do not understand is that while I have forgiven him for so much over and over again. I am just emotionally burnt out. There are so many times where I've said to myself 'I wish I never married him' and that 'I wish I could get out.' And with the ex I feel like it reminded me of what love is actually supposed to be where someone is thoughtful and sees you clearly.

With my husband all his infractions are my fault somehow. The way I nag him, the way I talk to him, if a I get angry. I just don't have a partner I have another child I have to manage and keep on top of. Its not very romantic.

When my husband instigates intimacy I honestly feel repelled. I try to sometimes obviously give him that but its not natural at all. Because I just don't feel like we are equals and I don't feel safe with him.

I don't know if I've hurt myself more by starting this relationships because you are right it cannot give me very much and I don't really know what I want right now.

I'm much in the same situation than you and the infuriating thing is that the quilt, from others' perspective, for the emotional affair, lies within me when, as you said, we did not look for an affair or wish to have it, it just happens after years and years of emotional neglect and abuse...something's got to give...!!! I find hard dealing with the quilt and shame and the secrecy of my feelings, lying beside my husband and thinking of another, making love and thinking of another, talking about everyday things when inside, my heart just cries after another...But what I have noticed recently is that when I'm not at home or when I'm away from my husband, I don't feel the same intoxicating pull for the other, I'm happy being by myself. So I figure the emotional affair is an escape for my mind and my soul, from a place that is so painful I cannot seem to endure without this 'fantasy escape.' I don't know how I can solve this conundrum without divorce, recently I have been thinking of temporary separation but because of kids and finances this would be very difficult, and also, having to explain it to friends and family who cannot see the suffering I'm n and who only see we're a strong team/couple, in fact an example for many....I don't want to separate or divorce but on the other hand, I don't want to continue and live in a marriage that seems a lie and is emotionally so painful I feel sometimes I cannot cope...