This article was co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC. Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

There are 64 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Being a social outcast can be difficult, especially for children and teenagers. Lots of people go through a period of being on the social fringe; in fact, your experience is the stuff of some of the most poignant literature and movies ever created. Being ostracized is not your fault. Take heart in the knowledge that this time in your life will pass, and it gets better. In the meantime, there are things you can do to cope with social exclusion.

Steps

Method1

Coping with Social Exclusion

1

Confide in a loved one. Although it can be difficult, it can help to find a supportive person in your life who will be a good listener, like your parents, a favorite teacher, or other loved ones. When young people are hurting because of their relationships with their peers, they should confide in supportive adults.[1]

Talk about how you feel when you are excluded.

Feeling like you are heard and understood can help make you feel better.[2]

Talking to an adult will also let you know that you are not alone.

2

Diversify your social options.[3] Cast a wide net in seeking friendships. Often when a person is a social outcast in one place, like in school, that person will be accepted in other places, like on a sports team.[4] Putting yourself in multiple settings will increase your chances of making friends.

Doing multiple extracurricular activities that you like will give you more opportunities to make friends. It may even be easier to make friends through extracurricular activities because you will find other kids who share your interests.

Focus on your interests.[5] Join a sports team, sign up for a theater troupe, take an art class, go to summer camp, or find another activity that you are genuinely interested in. Then focus on having fun and fostering your interests instead of just on making friends.[6]

Raise your self-esteem. Through participating in extracurricular activities that you like, you will gain a sense of passion and purpose. Doing something you like and that you eventually become good at will raise your self-esteem. People with self-esteem are attractive to others, so learning to value yourself will help you to make friends.[7]

Consider finding friends online. Seeking out people your age who share your interests is easier today than ever before. Look for web pages and clubs devoted to your interests. Just be sure to use the internet responsibly and with parental supervision.

3

Start small. Focus on making just one new friend to start. Having just one close friend has been shown to strengthen children's connectedness to school and to boost their self esteem.[8] The quality of friendships is more important than the quantity of friends someone has. One good friend is better than having ten acquaintances.

Once you meet someone you'd like to be friends with, start a conversation with him/her.[9] Ask the person questions about him/herself or his/her interests, or chat about the activity you are both engaged in.

After you've spoken to the potential friend enough that you are friendly acquaintances, invite the person to do something with you. This can be scary at first, but that is the only way to turn an acquaintance into a friend.[10]

Get the person's contact information so that you can follow up with plans after you've invited the person to hang out.[11]

Recognize that the end of a friendship is not failure. Relationships change constantly during the course of a person's life.[14] If a friendship ends, especially during your childhood or teenage years, it's a sad but inevitable part of life. It is not a failure. Accept that some friends will leave your life, but that creates an opening for you to make new friends.[15]

5

Remain dignified and polite. Although it is normal for friendships to end, the way you end a friendship matters. The way you act toward people who are not your friends but who ostracize you also matters. Be the more mature person.[16]

Follow this mantra: create distance with dignity. No matter what your former friends are doing, or how cold or exclusive they become, avoid angry exchanges.[17]

Do not badmouth your former friends to others or online.[18] That will just make you look mean and may scare away potential new friends.

In fact, do not to put much energy into the broken friendship or the people excluding you. Move on and shift your focus to all that is going right in your life, such as the new friendships and activities that help you feel good about yourself.[19]

6

Resist obsessive FOMO (fear of missing out) behavior online. Spending a lot of time on social media, constantly reading other people's updates and obsessing about all of the fun things people are doing without you can lead to unhealthy FOMO (fear of missing out).[20]

Realize that people make tend to embellish their lives when they post online. Your peers may not be as happy as they say they are. And even if they are, their happiness does not mean you cannot be happy also.

Realize that virtual "likes" and "friends" are not the same thing as in-person friendships. You can be much happier with only a few good, real-life friends in your life than a person who has thousands of online followers.

Disengage from unhealthy relationships on social media until you feel better.[21] Don't look at your peers' social media accounts for a little while. Instead, use the time you would have spent online to try new activities, focus on your interests, and make new friends in real life.

Be careful about what you post online.[22] Whatever you post on the internet will be on there forever. Resist the urge to post unkind things about the people who are ostracizing you. Again, be the better person, and focus on your interests and potential new social groups than on the people who are excluding you.

7

Don't take everything personally.[23] People are often so focused on their own problems and their own lives, especially during adolescence, that they aren't really focused on other people.

The people excluding you may not realize that they are making you feel like a social outcast.

Unless someone is actively mean to you, do not assume that he or she has malicious intentions toward you. Sometimes not getting invited to something is just an oversight.

Maybe the person you think is excluding you actually thinks you are not interested in being friends with him/her. Unless that person is actively mean to you, consider being friendly to him/her. Maybe that person will become your friend.

It gets better. Most social exclusion happens during adolescence, and most cliques disappear by the end of high school. Life gets better, and you will not always be a social outcast. Stay positive, and know that you are not alone.

8

Stay true to yourself. Do not let what is "popular" discourage you from following your passions and from being your wonderful, unique self.

Be a good friend. People who enjoy true and lasting popularity are those who are good friends, whether they have one friend or one hundred friends.

Being a good friend means being respectful, fair, interested, trustworthy, honest, caring, and kind.[27]

So if you want to have friends, be just the kind of friend you'd like to have.[28] Being a good friend will help you keep the friends you have and will attract new friends.

Method2

Coping With Bullying

1

Identify bullying. Bullying goes beyond simply being excluded from the group or normal teasing, and it is a serious problem. Bullying includes teasing that is hurtful, unkind, and constant.[29]

Bullying is intentional tormenting and can involve physical, verbal, or psychological torment. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to taking the victim's money or possessions, like taking a child's lunch money or sneakers.[30]

Some kids bully by ostracizing others and spreading rumors about them.[31]

Bullying can include using social media or electronic messaging to taunt others or hurt their feelings.[32] Cyber-bullying is increasingly common.

2

Learn why bullying happens. Bullying occurs for many reasons. Sometimes bullies pick on other people because they need a victim to feel more important, popular, or in control.[33] Sometimes kids bully others because that is how they've been treated by other kids or by their families. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families where everyone calls each other names or uses violence.[34] Sometimes bullies learn the behavior from popular culture, which makes them think that bullying is normal or "cool." Certain reality TV and internet sites show promote mean behavior.[35]

3

Alert an adult. Bullying is not something you should tough out on your own. If you are being bullied, tell someone. Most schools and communities have anti-bullying policies. Notifying an adult will spur the adult to follow the procedures in place to stop the bullying. A parent, teacher, coach, principal, lunchroom attendant, or other adult can help you handle the bullying.[36] You are not alone.

4

Confide in a loved one. Although it can be difficult, it can help to find a supportive person in your life who will be a good listener, like your parents, a favorite teacher, or other loved ones. When young people are hurting because of their relationships with their peers, they should confide in supportive adults.[37]

Feeling like you are heard and understood can help make you feel better.[39]

Talking to an adult will also let you know that you are not alone and will help you manage your emotional distress.[40]

5

Find safe haven. Identify at least five adults you can go to for help when you are being bullied. Find a place where you go to be safe from bullies, such as church, a community center, your home, etc.[41]

6

Avoid the bully, and use a buddy system. Staying away from the bully and avoiding being alone can help in the short-term. Don't go where you know the bully will be, and try not be alone when the bully is present. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, at recess, or wherever the bully is. There is safety in numbers.[42]

7

Remain calm. Bullies are encouraged to continue bullying when they provoke a reaction from the person they are bullying. Remain calm when you are bullied. Do not to respond to bullying by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate into violence, trouble, and someone getting injured.[43]

If you cry or become angry, it will make the bully feel more powerful.[44]

Practice not reacting. It will take a lot of practice, but it useful to learn how to stay calm in an upsetting situation. Not reacting may eventually get the bully to leave you alone.[45]

Cool down by counting to 10 or taking deep breaths. Sometimes the best thing to do is to wear a "poker face" until you are clear of danger.[46]

Smiling or laughing at the bully may only provoke the bully more, so try to maintain a neutral, calm expression.[47]

8

Set clear boundaries with your bully. Tell the bully that his/her behavior is inappropriate. Say something like, “I don’t like what you are doing and you need to stop,” or, “That is bullying and it is not right.”[48]

9

Walk away. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore hurtful comments, like acting like you are texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you're signalling that you don't care what he/she says. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored and will leave you alone.[49]

10

Notify the authorities. If a bully physically attacks or hurts you, notify an adult and the authorities. Physical bullying is called assault and is illegal. Telling someone will ensure that the bully is punished and cannot hurt anyone else.

11

Restore your confidence. Being bullied can hurt your self-esteem. Know that there is nothing wrong with you; the problem is with the bully.

Participate in clubs, sports, or other activities that you enjoy to build self-confidence, distract you from your negative feelings, and help you to build positive friendships.[51]

Focus on the positive things in your life, and talk to someone about them.[52]

Method3

Seeking Help

1

Tell an adult. If you are being bullied or are feeling unhappy in any way because you feel like a social outcast, tell an adult whom you trust. It will help you to talk about your feelings, and the adult may also know how to help you by helping you talk through your feelings and/or by stopping the bullying.[53]

2

Consider enrolling in a social skills program.[54] If you have problems understanding social cues, making friends, dealing with social conflict, or any other social skills, ask your parents to enroll you in a program that will teach you social skills.[55]

3

Seek therapy. If you are depressed, anxious, struggling in school, have difficulty sleeping, are consistently sad or unhappy, or especially if you feel like harming yourself or others, speak to an adult and seek counseling/psychological therapy right away. Dealing with depression and bullying are not things that you should handle by yourself.

Method4

Learning Why Social Exclusion Happens

1

Learn why being a social outcast hurts. Human beings are an intrinsically social species. Much of our species' success is due to our highly developed ability to cooperate and interact with each other. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is not surprising that instances of interpersonal rejection and social exclusion are negative experiences for individuals.

2

Learn why social exclusion happens. There are many reasons why people exclude or ostracize others, so it can help to ask yourself why you are being excluded. Being excluded is not your fault, but it helps to understand how others think in order to learn how to make more friends. There are 4 main groups of people who are ostracized:[56]

People who hinder the group's operation. From an evolutionary standpoint, groups accept people who add something to the group. Those who hinder the group's operation can become excluded. Sometimes people are excluded because they are difficult to deal with. Other times, people are excluded simply for being different, and people naturally fear what they don't understand.[57] The group has to learn to see this difference positively.

People who are a danger to the group. Societies ostracize people who are aggressive, threaten the group's core values, who are untrustworthy, etc., as a way to protect the group.[58]

People who do not offer specific benefits to the group. Sometimes, a group feels that it already has enough members, so adding more will not add anything new to benefit the group. This isn't personal; the group just isn't interested in growing its members.[59]

People they are jealous of. If you have qualities that others don’t possess, like high intelligence, athletic ability, beauty, musical talent, self-confidence, or any other positive trait, your presence may remind them of what they are lacking. This can cause resentment. This is their issue, not yours.[60]

3

Know how social exclusion can be harmful. Being excluded socially has been linked to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, alienation, poor academic performance, suicide, and even mass killings. Social ostracism can also change brain function and lead to poor decision-making.[61]

4

Know that social exclusion can also be beneficial. A recent study shows that social exclusion can sometimes be positive.[62]

Social exclusion of independently minded people who are proud to be unique can validate their sense that they are not like everyone else. In these cases, social exclusion can help spur creativity for the independent thinker.[63]

Being part of a clique may not always be fun. Cliques can be very stifling and may try to control how their members look, think, dress, and behave.[64] Not being part of a clique can help you to stay true to yourself and to develop true friendships that do not stifle your creativity or individuality.

Community Q&A

How do I deal with being social excluded in my own home? I have interests in things my family doesn't support, and it hurts because I really don't see the problem with it.

Community Answer

Everyone should be safe and comfortable in their own home. If people/family do not listen or support your views/ideas, speak to someone you trust and who you know has faith in you. A teacher, guidance counselor, or another family member who doesn't live in your home are all good options.

What do I do in school when no one wants to be my friend because I'm ugly and different?

Community Answer

You shouldn't care what people think. It's not bad to be different, and appearance isn't the only thing that matters. If you don't like your appearance, then change it, but deep down, having a good personality is more important.

I have been a social outcast all my life, as a kid, as a teenager, and as an adult. So why do people who try and help think it won't always be that way? Who are they kidding?

Community Answer

I am also a social outcast and I try to see it as a good thing. In school, for me, all the popular girls were super mean, so I told myself "You may not be popular, but all the people who are popular are really mean, do you want to be like that?" I continued to do this every time I started to feel like a social outcast. I honestly don't really care anymore, because all those popular girls will end up working for me someday!

You don't have to be exactly like someone else to be their friend. Keep trying. Consider joining an after school club or activity that appeals to your interests. There's a good chance you'll meet someone there that you have things in common with.