Oh, it's so haaaaard to be a white-collar man nowadays, what with laws and feminism and Ikea restraining our healthiest instincts. Oh, wait, no it's not. We're coddled and chubby pink piglets who don't have to fight in wars or protect anyone. Enjoy your Frappuccino like a man and quit complaining, you teenager.

Beyond being a terrible book, The Da Vinci Code is also a conspiracy book, which is mostly appealing to those so intellectually afraid or stunted that they cannot tolerate or conceive of a world that is complex and hard to explain. So, that.

The thing about someone whose favorite book is Twilight is that I would never really be able to tell. Like, they could keep answering Twilight to that question long after years of marriage and I'd still not be sure if it was all an ironic joke. "Thanks a lot," Generation X.

People who like The Stranger are the human equivalent of asking the question "so what" to everything you say as a way of proving a point. It's obnoxious and we have an unwritten social code not to do it.

If there's anything grosser than someone unexpectedly revealing their genitals, it's someone unexpectedly revealing their spirituality. There are support groups for this kind of behavior, and for loving Paulo Coelho's "allegorical novel."

Yeah, they're probably right, but Dawkins-thumping nerdtheists make me want to join the nearest megachurch out of spite and polish my "but you can't prove it" piss-takes until they are Reddit-tantrum sharp.

Masturbation epic Portnoy's Complaint is what I call an "excuse" book, in that nebbishy horndogs use it to "excuse" the fact that they are unacceptable little hairy monsters. Like, if they can get women to laugh at their most antisocial behavior, it must be OK. It's not, and you're not.

You think waiting around is going to turn jerky-but-hot Blake from advertising into Mr. Darcy? No, the only thing you're going to be waiting for is your cats to eat your face after you die of loneliness. Settle for a loser like the rest of us.

If someone you know "just loves" books like this, or that James Frey lie, they love reading about the breakdowns of others. This means they either A) Seriously relate to breakdowns or B) Take undue pleasure in the breakdowns of others. I've got enough schadenfreude for both of us, thanks.

If you're going to say this is your favorite book, you might as well tell the truth: The Bible is your favorite book, and no amount of Santa Claus giving out swords to children to slay infidels is going to change that.

Oh, it's just "Nabokov's gorgeous, hypnotic, seductive language" that you love so much! It's just all that gorgeous, hypnotic, seductive language that is the reason you can't stop talking about this book. It's all that gorgeous, hypnotic, and seductive language that is the reason we're not welcome at The Cheesecake Factory anymore.