reviewing reality stars' books and products

Unfiltered Blonde: A Review

Did you guys know that former RHOBH housewife Brandi Glanville is a vino-enthusiast? If you’ve ever looked at any of her social media accounts, you would probably glean that she’s been swilling something alcoholic recently.

#sotallytober image source: tumblr.com

So I guess no one should be surprised that homegirl “developed” her own version of Chardonnay, Unfiltered Blonde (which is on point with her current “brand,” which also includes her podcast “Unfiltered with Brandi Glanville,” although I am not really sure what her brand represents? Blonde people who talk and drink too much? Actually, that seems to be exactly what it is). Brandi mentions her damn “wine” in every single podcast (which I had to stop listening to as it was all cast members from shows on E! like WAGS and shit and ain’t nobody got time for that). Not surprisingly, it was kind of difficult for me to find, and the shipping costs alone made me want to cry like Kim Richards after her dog murdered another person, but I sucked it up just to see what this mess could POSSIBLY taste like.

I recruited my brother, sister-in-law, mom, dad and my poor husband for this tasting. I promised they didn’t have to drink more than a taste unless they liked it (lol).

MOM: Ooooh a real housewife’s wine! Fun! Whose is it?

ME: Um…. Brandi.

MOM: Brandi from Beverly Hills?

ME: Yeah.

MOM: visibly deflates Oh.

you sure you don’t have any ChardoNeNe in there? image source: gifbin.com

Everyone seemed prettttyyyyyy ambivalent about giving this a shot, but I bullied them into it. How bad could one taste of “wine” be?

I shudder just seeing the label again.

After a half-hearted cheers, we all took a sip. Here are our thoughts:

MOM: Wow…. no. This is bad!

DAD: Very… strong?

SIL: It tastes like when already sour-y wine goes bad, and the aftertaste is like literal post-vomit mouth.

HUSBAND: A combo of church wine and… syrup?

ME: SO much acid yet somehow too sweet? It leaves a very unpleasant sensation, like you just swallowed a mouthful of kerosene.

And the MVP review from my brother:

“This is about as balanced as Brandi Glanville.”

Even Ralph Wiggum says two thumbs down. image source: Rackspace.com

We couldn’t even finish HALF of the bottle between six people who were ready to enjoy a cocktail. I am writing this review a full four days after we tried the “wine” (I use that word very loosely) and I am NOT exaggerating when I say I can STILL feel the burning sensation in the back of my throat. Much like Brandi after a night on the town!

god I hate brandi after drinking this. image source: imgur.com

Now I can say with confidence that I am fired as the family mixologist. I’m pretty sure next time I cook something everyone will be digging through the trash making sure I didn’t use Kenya Moore than Delicious Bread or Vicki Gunvalsunny Side Up Eggs.

Undrinkable Barf.

I may have to wait a bit before diving into the next overly-sweetened grain alcohol beverage drink from a housewife. Much like spending too much time with Brandi herself, I feel like my one sip changed me for the worse.