Anecdotes of a Hotel Night Auditor

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Luna Tries Again

When I walked into the pantry to make the coffee after my audit there was a note from my favorite breakfast attendant.

Yesterday you did not put out the cereals and breads, and you need to start making all of the coffee. From now on it must be done before I arrive every morning.

Instead of following her request I decided to print a second copy of my work checklist. I highlighted the section after my audit where it says..

-Print guest bills.

-While they are printing make fresh coffee for guests waking up early.

It said nothing about having to put out food. I put the paperwork on her counter next to the note she left me. I did make all of the coffee, and placed them in the dining room. Normally I only have to make one regular and one decaf for guests who wake up early. When Luna arrived, she made the rest. The reason I made all five pots of coffee was because she only wanted to three coffee pumps out at a time so she could walk around and offer to refill people’s cups with a smaller serving pot that she also used to top off the coffee pumps so she didn’t have to keep switching out the pumps. Luna needed the guests to watch her putting fresh coffee in the pumps. Her ego required it.

I put out all five coffee pumps, then I hid her smaller serving pot. I also hid the plastic ice buckets, that are made for the ice, NOT HOT LIQUIDS. Luna liked to fill them with her fresh hot coffee and let the coffee sit in the plastic ice buckets where they could get as much of the chemicals from that plastic in the coffee as possible, while also making the coffee cool before then pouring it into her smaller serving pot so she could poison our guests, thinking she is doing nothing wrong. Luna believed people didn’t want their coffee as hot as it is when it brews. Clearly Luna knew nothing about coffee. I hid all of it. She had no choice but to keep refilling the pumps properly. There was also the added bonus of pissing her off.
But wait, there’s more! She also liked to piss off the laundry people. Instead of using the large garbage bin on wheels that was provided for her, and could accommodate all of her garbage, she would use the clean laundry bins. To make matters worse, she never cleaned the bins after. Who wants to put their clean laundry in a dirty bin? Luna doesn’t give a shit. Ain’t nobody got time for that! She cared more about making coworkers miserable. I took all of the clean bins, and emptied all of the clean laundry from the dryers so she couldn’t access to any of them.

I went to get milk for my raisin bran. When I opened the milk cooler I was slapped in the face with the stench of rotten milk. I pulled out all of the milk cartons to discover that the majority of the milk in the back of the cooler was dated from February, and a couple of the cartons had actually burst open and was leaking funky rotten dairy into the corner of the cooler. I threw away every milk that was in that cooler. I also checked the yogurt, They were also outdated, so I threw those away too. At that point the cooler only had cream cheese in it. Guess what? Those were also outdated. Into the trash they went. The cooler was completely empty.

Luna walked in at 4:45am. Her shift didn’t start until 5:30am. I heard her yell out..“What happened to all of my milk and yogurt!” Then she opened the cooler and I heard her say…“Oh my lord, what is that stench?” Then I heard her say…“Why is all that coffee here?” I watched her grab the coffee pumps from the top shelf of the coffee display.

“That is all very fresh hot coffee.” I said. Like usual, she refused to look at my face. I think she had difficulty being evil while making eye contact with people. Instead she responded by talking towards to the floor.

“You are probably lying. I am sure you got lazy and left yesterdays coffee on the display, and added more coffee to it. I will make it fresh.” She said.

“It is more fresh than the inside of that dairy cooler, I promise you that.” I replied. She took the coffees, and carried them to the pantry. I walked into the pantry with her, and I stood in the doorway. “Be careful that shit’s hot.” She took the lid off one of the pots and flipped it upside down in the sink. It splashed back and hit her him the arm. She yelled.

“Oh my god I just got burned! That coffee is hot!” I looked at her and grinned.

“Am I still a liar?” I asked, then I walked back to my desk to enjoy the fresh hot coffee that I made. I make good coffee. Coffee is my friend. Mmmm coffee.