Monday, August 5, 2013

Insert Dramatic Finale Here (part 3 of 3)

"PERFECTIFICATION IN TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES!" blared the voice from the capsule's sound emitter thingy.

"Quiet, disembodied voice! Jurai-Ken… Tairenso!" Tash burst into flame, smashing into the capsule of condensed Suergy, but the only effect she had was to push it back slightly. "Damn it!"

For the past minute, various members of the Society had been trying, completely without success, to disable Operation: Final Perfection.

Harriet smashed it with her cricket bat.

Ben had nuked it.

Valerie had fired arrows for the better part of the minute.

Drake had given it a vicious Storm Kick.

Tyler had detonated approximately a pound of grenades on it.

Ingrid had blasted it with an assault rifle.

Cristoph had stabbed it with his sais while Algazdun pecked at it.

Rhia slashed it with her wakizashi.

Ossa slashed it with her katana.

Jess jabbed it with her needle.

Danielle smacked it with her staff.

Terrie hurled knives at it.

Kyle pounded on it with a mace-shaped Omniweapon.

Willie blasted it with Hellfire.

Chrys blasted it with Desu.

Jared smashed it with the Boomhammer.

Chloe sliced it with her shield.

Dave hammered on it with his axe.

Shirley tore at it.

Alice sliced it with her sword at level 5.

Louise unloaded a round of ammo into it.

Tom stabbed it.

Akai stabbed it.

Aster blasted it with a massive windstorm, and then a blizzard.

Lily hit it with a blast from Excalibur.

Michael slashed it.

Claire hurled a pinecone at it, nearly knocking it over.

Pete fired at it with the Lighthopper guns.

Karissa smashed Gekkou into it.

Charis had been trying to disrupt it with an EMP, with no success.

Many more Society Agents attacked it with many more skills, until it became completely impossible that they had all been fitted into a minute. The effect of all this?

"At least we scratched the paint," Tyler pointed out.

"Don't mess with nukes!" Another nuke slammed into the capsule, enveloping it in nuclear flame.

"Random blast of magic that shouldn't have a name but I wanted it to so it does!" A blast of blue energy smashed into the capsule, pushing it back almost twenty feet, but having no effect.

"YOU AREN'T GOING TO BREAK IT, YOU KNOW."

"Shut up!"

"PERFECTIFICATION IN TWENTY MINUTES, BY THE WAY."

Tash blinked.

"Twenty minutes? Weren't there around three minutes left when Retsa died?"

"RETSA PROVIDED A GREAT DEAL OF EXTRA SUEREGY TO COMPRESS INTO EXPLOSIVE PERFECTIFICATION. IT WILL TAKE A GOOD WHILE LONGER NOW."

"Oh."

"EXACTLY. CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BOTHERING ME NOW? IT IS GETTING EXTREMELY ANNOYING."

"No!" Tash slashed Nepthys across the capsule, but it had no effect.

"PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DAMAGE ME."

"I'll damage you if I feel like it!" Again Tash struck at the capsule, but nothing happened.

"THAT IS IT. I AM GOING TO USE THE ANIMATOR."

"The what?"

"OBSERVE." A small laser-pointer like object popped out of the sound-emitter thingy, and fired into the sand. Everyone held their breath, waiting to see what would happen. The sand glowed, and… nothing happened.

The entire Society facefaulted collectively.

Tash frowned. "You realize that that did nothing, right?"

That's when a massive hand rose out of the sand, smacking her away. She recovered quickly, landing on her feet, but was stunned for a moment by the sheer unexpectedness of the attack.

"THAT WAS THE ANIMATOR. IT CAN CONTROL OBJECTS VIA TELEKINESIS."

"Yah!"

"WHAT?"

Michael lunged forward, slicing the sand arm in two, before slicing at the capsule. Before his sword could reach it though, the sand reformed into a tentacle, grabbing the Leader and lifting him into the air…

Then Claire hurled a pinecone at it. The pinecone smashed straight through the tentacle and hit the capsule with a loud ringing noise. As Michael fell, he slashed at the capsule again, this time connecting with a solid slash, although it still did nothing. As the tendril reformed, both Agents leapt back to avoid getting sliced by it.

"Fastball Special!" Drake launched Tyler at the capsule with unbelievable speed. Tyler swung his staff, but simply bounced off. As he did so, Drake hit with a Slicing Gale, pushing the capsule back slightly.

"Enchanto!"

"Tremor!"

A huge explosion erupted from the ground under the capsule, lifting it into the air before slamming it down. Even still, it wasn't even scratched.

"Don't Mess with Nukes!" A third nuke slammed into the capsule. Still nothing.

"I have an idea! Cover me!" Harriet charged the capsule. As another sand hand rose out of the ground, swatting at the Society leader, but Tash flew overhead, slicing it in two. As Harriet got closer to the capsule, the hand reformed, swiping at her…and she dodged, letting the hand smack the capsule. Once again, there was a ringing noise, and then….

Skritch!

"OW."

"Yes!" Harriet exclaimed. "We scratched the glass!"

Tash's jaw dropped. "How does that even make sense? We've been hitting that thing for minutes now, and the only thing that accomplished anything was it hitting itself?"

"Don't complain, Tash!" Valerie called, launching a stream of arrows at the capsule. As the sand formed into a barrier, Ben hit from behind with a series of notes from Bahamut, pitching the capsule into its own barrier.

Skritch!

"Haha!"

"That makes even less sense!"

"Ha!" Pete fired a round of energy blasts into the capsule. Once again…

Skritch!

"STOP THAT."

"I get it now!"

"What?"

"Hitting it with the sand hand must have been the proverbial straw that breaks the equally proverbial camel's back!"

"In that case…" Harriet cupped her hands to her mouth, calling to the entire Society. "Hit it with everything you got!"

Once again, the entire Society let loose on the capsule. As tendrils burst from the sand, the stronger Agents stayed behind to deal with them, while the faster ones zipped through to deliver blows to the capsule.

"OW! PERFECTIFICATION IN 15 MINUTES BY THE WAY. JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW."

"Not really…" Tash muttered to herself. "Jurai-Ken… Tairenso!" Tash burst into a whirlwind of flames, spinning towards the capsule, bracing herself to slice through a tendril or hand.

However, she still wasn't prepared for the massive shape that burst from the sand, throwing her fifty feet backwards. Sand dripped off the beast's rapidly forming, dragonlike body as it let out a thunderous roar. As the roar died down, all was eerily silent for a moment. Then, just as jarringly, the silence was broken by Tyler.

"Holy muffins, what is that?"

"THIS IS THE ULTIMATE WEAPON DEFENSE. ITS SOLE PURPOSE WAS TO BE USED IN CASE OF ACTUAL DAMAGE TO ME. RETSA TESTED IT SEVERAL TIMES, AND EACH TIME, THE PROTECTION SOCIETY WAS UNABLE TO DEFEAT IT WITHIN TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES."

"Don't we have more than twice the Agents they do?"

"RETSA FELT CONFIDENT THIS WOULD WORK. JUDGING BY YOUR ABYSMAL FAILURE TO DAMAGE ME SO FAR, I BELIEVE HER CALCULATIONS WERE CORRECT. PREPARE TO DIE."

The sand beast charged at the Society, who scattered. As the beast turned around, Harriet smashed one of its legs with her cricket bat. Before the beast could fall, sand gathered around the stump, forming a new leg almost instantly.

"Crap, it can regenerate?" Then the sand beast kicked out, hurling Harriet backwards.

"My Coffeemakers are not Controlled by Hoover Dam Computers!"

"Storm Kick!"

"Boomhammer! Tremor! Epicenter!"

"Enchanto!"

"I Don't Call My Attacks!

Coffee, earth, Rubik's cubes, magic, and Drake all slammed into the beast, and chunks of sand dripped from its now-soaked form, but they regenerated just as fast. As Drake fell, he slammed a Storm Punch into its side. As the beast turned to snap at him, Valerie demolished its back leg with a volley of arrows. Tash launched herself up, delivering a flaming slash to the sand monster's side, fusing bits of it to glass, which Claire shattered with a pinecone. Ingrid loosed a round of bullets into the regenerating back leg, and Lily froze the whole regeneration process… literally, by jamming an Ice Blow into the leg. The sand beast roared in pain, and unleashed a blast of sand from its maw at Lily, who activated Top Gear, teleporting away just in time.

"TEN MINUTES LEFT!"

"Come on, we have to take this thing down!" Tash yelled.

Jess blasted another leg with water, before Ossa slashed it off. The beast roared again, falling forwards. As it did, Karissa swung Gekkou, smashing through part of its face before it could fire another blast of sand. Both Rhia and Cristoph ran up onto the beast, slicing its wings off. As a finishing touch, Kyle blasted its head with an Aurora Grenade. The beast quickly dissolved back into the sand.

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE. THE PROTECTION SOCIETY TOOK AN HOUR TO DEFEAT THE ULTIMATE WEAPON, ONLY TOOK TEN MINUTES?"

Tash smirked.

"Like I said, we've got more than twice the numbers you ha- wait a minute! Did you say ten minutes?"

"YES. I DID."

"That makes no sense!" Tash protested.

"I SPED UP THE COUNTDOWN BY RELEASING THE SUERGY TO POWER THE ANIMATOR, AND BECAUSE THIS FANDOM ONLY EXISTS FOR THE PURPOSE OF THE COUNTDOWN, I EFFECTIVELY SPED UP TIME."

"Bollocks! Everyone! Stop relaxing! We've got five minutes to prevent the end of the universe!" Harriet yelled.

Once again, the entire Society burst into action, blasting the capsule with everything they had.

-DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING SCENES HAPPEN AT EXACTLY THE SAME TIME. DO NOT BE CONFUSED-

"What does it take to damage this thing!" Tyler blasted a sand tendril into oblivion, and fired a round of energy bullets, which were stopped by a sand wall. "Damn it!"

"Let's see it stand up to this!" Ben strummed a few notes on Bahamut, vaporizing the barrier, but before he could take advantage of the opening, the sand burst up, knocking him off his feet.

"Storm Kick!" Drake vaulted over both Agents, hitting the capsule feet-first. He was forced to propel himself backwards as two sand blades slashed up, narrowly missing his ankle. "Good thing I got all that practice from dodging Adrian's traps!"

00000

Valerie stood on the sand dune, firing sprays of arrows at the capsule. Meanwhile, Terrie, Ezra, and Danielle were fighting sand tentacles, keeping them from getting in Valerie's way.

00000
"Don't Mess With Nukes! My Coffeemakers are not Controlled by Hoover Dam Computers!" Coffee and nukes bombarded the capsule, but to no effect.

"Epicenter!"

"Enchanto!" Explosive Rubik's cubes and a wall of earth slammed into the capsule. Still nothing.

00000

"Hellfire!" A blast of dark flames seared the capsule with enough heat to fuse the surrounding sand to glass, although evidently not enough to damage the capsule.

"Bolero of Steam!" now the capsule was coated in steam, but to no effect.

"Gah! Fire Slash!" A flaming blade struck the capsule.

"Water Scythe!" A burst of water struck the capsule.

Nothing.

"AUGH!"

00000

"Jurai-Ken… Rinwi!" Tash smashed both feet into the capsule… and nothing happened.

Harriet smashed it with her cricket bat.

Aster blinked. "This is getting oddly repetitive…"

However, she still fired a jet of water. Nothing, nothing, and more nothing.

00000

Everywhere in the universe, various invincible villains twitched. It was as if there was a new one out there somewhere…

"YES. THAT'S SORT OF THE POINT. EITHER WAY, I CAN'T HAVE YOU GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE PLAN. DIE."

A wave of sand burst out, flattening the Society. Tyler was the first to recover, staggering towards the capsule. He didn't make it. Less than a yard from the capsule, he collapsed from sheer exhaustion. As he did, he flung his staff arm in front of him, and it brushed the capsule ever so gently….

CRACK!

"WHAT?"

The entire Society leapt to its feet, instantly rejuvenated. "YES! WE DID IT!"

"NO MATTER. PERFECTIFICATION WILL STILL TAKE PLACE."

Tash's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "WHAT?"

"DESPITE THE DAMAGE TO THE SUERGY CONDENSION CAPSULE, THE SUERGY WILL STILL PURGE THIS SUBFANDOM. YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR BILLIONS OF….WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Tash had pulled out her Plot Summary.

"You're lying."

"WHAT?"

"I checked. Aside from us… and I guess you… there isn't even the slightest sign of life here."

For a moment, all was totally silent. And then…

"FUCK."

Tash blinked. "Never thought I'd hear a computer swear…."

"EVEN SO… PERFECTIFICATION IN TEN SECONDS."

"Five seconds? Are you just making it up now?" Tash screamed.

"NO. BY DAMAGING THE CAPSULE, YOU RADICALLY SPED UP THE COUNTDOWN. PERFECTIFICATION IN FIVE…"

The Society rapidly began opening Plotholes and diving into them.

"FOUR…."

As the Society's Plotholes closed, Tyler was the last one left, gazing contemplatively at the now-glowing capsule. "Well, I guess that's the end of the PCMSPS… I suppose it's almost too bad, in a way… "

"THREE…."

Tyler snapped out of his reverie, opening a Plothole.

"TWO…"

Tyler dived in.

"ONE…"

The Plothole sealed behind the Agent with a pop.

"ZERO."

00000

Pure, white light.

Although Tash had been correct, if anything were alive in the sub-fandom, it would have been instantly blinded by the sheer brightness of the light now blasting in waves out of the completely demolished capsule. Of course, it wouldn't have very long to be worried about its blindness, because less than a second later, the entire universe was absolutely nothing. The words that had made up its very being were being unwound as destroyed, reducing it to a meaningless husk.

Even after the perfective wave had died down, the shockwave rippled out, touching every fandom in existence…

00000

In the Yugioh fandom…

Yugi and Joey were about even. Yugi controlled the Buster Blader equipped with a Divine Sword Phoenix Blade, but Joey had out a Red Eyes Black Metal Dragon equipped with Dragon Nails. Both player's life points were at 100 Neither had any cards set. They were playing on a tabletop.

Just then both duelists were thrown off their chairs by a shockwave, their cards hopelessly scattered.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

00000

In the Spectrobes fandom…

Maja knocked Rallen to the ground with a blow of her scythe arm. "Ha ha ha! You thought you could just waltz in and defeat me, huh? Well now you're gonna pay!"

She raised the scythe…

A shockwave knocked the High Krawl off her feet, and yanked Rallen to his. Before Maja could get up, Rallen fired his blaster at her, burning off the scythe arm.

"The tables are turned, Maja!"

"GGRAH!"

00000

In the Pokemon fandom…

Jessie snickered. They had trapped Pikachu in a rubber claw. Ash was out of usable Pokemon. It looked like Team Rocket was finally going to get away with capturing Pikachu.

Then a shockwave sent the robot attached to the claw toppling over. Pikachu leapt to freedom, and Team Rocket was thrown out of the cockpit. James raised his head, to see Pikachu glaring at them, cheeks sparking with electricity.

"Er…"

A moment later…

"Team Rocket's blasting off agaiiiiiin!"

DING!

00000

So the last act of the PCMSPS was to maintain the status quo? That seems a little ironic…" Tyler mumbled.

"Don't complain, Tyler." Drake said matter-of-factly.

Tyler twitched. "That's it!"

Drake started. "What?"

"The running gag for this chapter!"

The fourth wall rumbled.

"What are you talking about?"

"In the first chapter, it was the Department of Redundancy Department. The second chapter was the floating mouths. The third chapter… uh, not sure. Fourth chapter, it was Retsa constantly being interrupted, and this chapter, it was random ironic echoes!"

At this, the fourth wall spasmed so hard that Drake and Tyler were thrown to the ground.

"Ow…."

"Well, you should have known better."

"Hmph." Tyler got up, followed by Drake.

"So, you think that's really the end of—MMPH!"

This last exclamation was due to Tyler clamping a hand over Drake's mouth. "Don't say it!"

"Mmphmmph!"

"Oh… right… sorry." Tyler moved his hand off of Drake's mouth. The other Agent inhaled deeply.

"What was that for!"

"Look, in the first chapter-,"

The fourth wall rumbled ominously.

"-I said the cave looked deserted, and then the bat-squid showed up! Obviously, if anyone confirms the end of the PCMSPS, this entire five chapters-,"

RUMBLERUMBLE

"-will all have somehow been part of their master master plan! And, speaking for myself, I do not want to go through the whole, 'epic finale,' shtick again!"