Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the Trump Hotel in Washington, D.C. was
defaced. Apparently someone sneaked in and put up a large sign saying “Trump.”

Some CEOs are blaming the presidential campaign on poor
results. That, and the fact that people aren’t buying their products because
those same CEOs laid them all off from their jobs back in 2007.

China has passed a “draconian” cyber security law.
Apparently it will make it even more difficult for people to access the five
government approved websites they already have.

China has passed a “draconian” cyber security law. Which
will go along well with their draconian human rights laws, draconian limits on
having children and draconian controls over the media.

A study in France says that dangerous driving runs in
families. Which means we should immediately revoke the driver’s licenses of the
children of Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson and Billy Joel.

A report says robots are being developed that have a “brain”
and can learn like human children. So don’t be surprised when you come home one
day to see a machine sitting on your couch playing video games and eating junk
food.

Justin Bieber reportedly gave an impromptu performance at a
bar in Toronto. There is a word for an impromptu performance by Justin Bieber.
A “concert.”

New Delhi, India has been named the most polluted city in
the world, with air pollution levels 90 times higher than what the WHO
considers safe causing schools to close down. Mostly because it’s no use to
have class when kids can’t even see their textbooks sitting on the desk in
front of them.

A report says U.S. consumer borrowing was up in October.
Mostly from people buying airline tickets to the country they are moving to
once they find out who wins the election.

A report says U.S. consumer borrowing was up in October.
Apparently it’s a result of people seeing the government $19 Trillion in debt
and saying “When in Rome…”

A report says if Donald Trump is elected President the price
of gold could go up 10% to $1,400 an ounce. Not only that, the high demand will
also make for higher prices for dehydrated non-perishable meals, survivalist
kids and nuclear fallout shelters.

The Dow was up 350 points on news that the FBI cleared
Hillary Clinton of any wrongdoing with her e-mails. To which O.J. Simpson is
saying just think how high the market will go if the President gives him a
pardon.

Four states are voting today to raise the minimum wage.
Apparently it is their way of attracting new college graduates who will see
their diploma find them a higher paying job than they can get anywhere else.

Americans’ average spending in October was up to $93 a day.
Which is good except for the fact that the average Americans’ income is $51 a
day.

A report says the end of Daylight Saving Time can trigger
Seasonal Affective Disorder. Not from the lack of sunlight, but from people
sensing that they will soon have to spend time with their families and go in
debt as we are just a few weeks from the holiday season.

A study says children who have had anesthesia before the age
of 4 have lower grades and IQs. Mostly the ones who had surgery and spent their
recovery time watching “Duck Dynasty,” “The Kardashians” and “Dr. Phil.”

A study says children who have had anesthesia before the age
of 4 have lower grades and IQs. Ironically, people with higher IQs have been
asking to be put under an anesthetic until the election is finally over.

A study says whether people love or hate to exercise is in
their genes. The people who love to exercise also have genes that make them eat
raw kale, avoid eating ice cream and enjoy a sharp stick in the eye.

A study says whether people love or hate to exercise is in
their genes. Apparently their genes also affect their eyeballs who think the
person looking back at them in the mirror who weighs 350 pounds is pretty hot.

A study says “return to learn” laws that give students extra
help after a concussion may not give them the support they need. Mostly because
they know an athlete who asks to return to class is still obviously not fully
recovered from their brain injury.

A study says flavored e-cigarettes may entice kids to smoke.
It’s bad enough when the flavors are bubble gum and gummy bears, but they know
it’s gone too far when they start offering Gerber’s strained peas.

A report says marijuana in Colorado is getting more potent.
Mostly from people who are afraid if Republicans win the election they will
lose legalized pot and want to make sure they are smoking something that will
keep them high the next four years.

The DEA says it will not relax its restrictions on medical
marijuana. Mostly because it’s so much easier to make drug busts on people who
are sick and can’t get out of bed to run away.

The University of California at San Francisco is banning
sweetened beverages from campus. Mostly because they know they can make a lot
more money selling students what they really want. Alcohol, energy drinks and
Starbucks.

Rapper Kid Cudi has returned to the stage after undergoing
treatment for depression and suicidal urges. Although he had to be watched
closely because what better place to go for someone wanting to die than a rap
concert?

Mel Gibson and his wife have announced they are expecting a
baby. He is 60 and she is 26. With a newborn on the way it will be nice to see
a family that goes back to the tradition of living with three generations under
the same roof.

Jessica Alba says she maintains her looks without ever
working out. She says she also eats the same as she always has. In fact, she
says she consumed an entire sandwich just last July.

Jessica Alba says she maintains her looks without ever
working out. If she isn’t careful, saying things like that could end up with
her getting assaulted with sacks of kale being carried around by roving gangs
of overweight women in yoga pants.

Joe Buck has written a book which tells how he was hired to
announce football games at Fox with no prior experience. Now the only mystery
people want solved is knowing how he ever got hired to call baseball and golf.

Joe Buck has written a book which tells how he was hired to
announce football games at Fox with no prior experience. Apparently it had to
do with his dedication, persistence and that his dad is Jack Buck.

The owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers says kneeling during
the National Anthem is a “bad choice.” He personally tries to avoid any bad
decisions himself, which is why he has never moved to Cleveland.

Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rogers was reportedly
upset over the “low energy” his team displayed in their loss Sunday. It was
almost like their heads were made out of some kind of cheese.

Sports Illustrated has debuted a first person Virtual
Reality experience of running the 2016 New York City Marathon. Which allows
people to run the 26.1 mile race they way they always dreamed it should be.
Wearing jammies on their couch without having to put down their gallon of
Haagen Dazs.

Kim Kardashian has reportedly gained 400,000 followers in
the five days she was offline after being robbed in France. Those are the
people who like the idea of following her but don’t actually want to waste time
in seeing what she has to say.

A report says Kim Kardashian’s absence from social media is
costing her $300,000 a week. Just like Donald Trump’s rants on social media are
possibly going to cost him a $400,000 a year job as President.

Verizon has introduced 5GB and 10GB speed prepaid plans for
their customers. The 10GB plan is perfect for people who now have an excuse to
keep their nose in their phone screen not just all day but on weekends,
holidays and religious occasions.

A report says that 85% of all Samsung phones have been
returned under recall. The other 15% are underwater on their home mortgage and
are hoping the phone might help them collect on the insurance by burning down
their house.

Experts say millions will use social media as a hangout and
support group on election night. Mostly to find out which countries all their
friends are moving to once they find out who won the election.

Tesla says it will likely add solar power roofs to their
cars as a charging mechanism. Which is different than Fiat Chrysler’s plan for
their roofs which is a sign that can be seen from the air saying “Need a tow
truck.”

Researchers say they have found a “significant” Bronze Age
city in Iraq. It’s the first Bronze Age City discovered in Iraq since every
other city in Iraq.

A report says Brexit backers in England are putting their
money on Donald Trump winning the election. Mostly because both choices will
result in millions of people looking for a new place to live.

Experts have published a robotics “roadmap” to help Congress
understand the state of robotics. Mostly as a threat to let them know if they
don’t start getting things done the voters will give them a roadmap of their
own so they can leave Washington, D.C. after being replaced by a machine.

22 states now allow people to take selfies while voting. That’s
not an issue in Florida. Because the state’s demographics are a bit older, they
are still working on legislation to allow voters to take Polaroids.

22 states now allow people to take selfies while voting. The
other 28 are satisfied with not having anyone under 30 show up at the polls
because they won’t have anything to do while they are waiting.

NASA astronaut Shane Kimbrough was able to cast an absentee
ballot from space. Which gives him the advantage of if his candidate loses to
not come back from the International Space Station for the next four years.

President Obama’s popularity is near a record high on the
eve of the election. Mostly because the voters are looking at Hillary Clinton
and Donald Trump saying there is no way things are going to get any better than
they are now.

A poll says 3 out of 4 New Jersey residents view Governor
Chris Christie unfavorably. Which is still better than everything else on the
planet which New Jersey residents have an unfavorable rating of 9 out of 10.

A poll says 3 out of 4 New Jersey residents view Governor
Chris Christie unfavorably. The other 1 out of 4 say they will take the survey
just as soon as they are actually able to get across the George Washington
Bridge.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am just getting
ready to go and cast my vote for the next President of the United States. On
one hand, I am proud to be able to be given the chance to take part in the
process. On the other hand, I don’t want any of the blame for what this place
will look like in another four years. No matter what happens, you can always
give me hope for the future when you remember to always keep on sending the
love!