On a lighter note, my regular readers this week will both be pleased to learn that my diet is now approaching its triumphant conclusion. As the last remnants of the toxins typical of industrial-age food leave my body after five days of eating only raw fruit, vegetables and salad and eschewing all grains, starches and potatoes my mind has become clearer still.

It’s now plain that my belief - acquired yesterday after a mere 96 hours on 800 kCal per day - still left some room for error. In fact my annoying colleague proved not to be a Roswell Grey hiding underneath a terrestrial skin after all but was in fact a platter loaded down with scorched tuna steaks sautéed potatoes and salsa, followed by a generous serving of chocolate truffle torte and cream. I checked with Sir Rupert, King of the Pixies and the Vegetarian Society’s head of bacon, and they assured me that tuna steaks, Roswell Greys and colleagues at the Department of Hurt and Awful Nuisances are all root vegetables.

I must say that the empty desk opposite me looks rather sad and lonely with its hastily emptied and hastier-refilled drawers and all that fingerprint dust but I’m happy in the knowledge that I can recommend to you both four solid days subsisting on roots, nuts, and berries or, as it is more properly called ‘The State Retirement Pension, 2020 style, Gordon Brown Special Commemorative Edition.’

Old Sir Rupe also points out that my line manger, a lifelong Labour Party and Liverpool FC supporter is, in fact, a tuber corm or rhizome.