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Author
Topic: In a very dark place..... (Read 19882 times)

The last two months have been a struggle. This past week has been the worst. I can't eat or sleep. I try to stop thinking about the separation but it consumes my thoughts 24/7. I've tried to get out, but all I want to do is crawl into my cave (home) and cry.

This is a bad one... don't know exactly how I am going to manage this pain.

I hope you try and get out of the house . Please find someone to talk with . I am sorry you are feeling this way , Like Robert said " It will pass " That sounds cold . But know we are all here for you .

Oh Tom, I feel for ya. Women can be really strange sometimes can't they? I know, as I am one of them. I don't really know the situation here but I urge you to try and talk with someone about this. Letting your thoughts run 1000 miles per hour all the time isn't a good thing. Dwelling is getting you no where but I know if it were me, I would be wanting answers and explantions too. Sometimes we have to learn how to move forward without the answers we are desperate for. I hope I am making sense here. Just know that I feel for you and am also quite familiar with the deep wounds love can make. I'll be hoping for brighter days to come to you. Hugs

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Diagnosed July 28th 2003

'I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.' -Diande Ackerman

'Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?' -Frank Scully

Tom, you will make it through this. It is a difficult moment but you are going to get by.

A therapist is the ideal person to see at this moment, trust me on that. Still, you know well that if ya need to talk you've got my number.

Sending you a hug and wishing you well.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Hey T - You have a lot of support here - I definitely know that it can be hard and seem insurmountable.... and there is no pain like your own - so, I can only agree with many of the others here and say that you should go and talk with someone. Therapy is actually the best gift you can give yourself. You are definitely on my thoughts. You have my number also, feel free to call (and of course, I will be giving you a call).

I have nothing to offer to make the pain subside. I just want you to know that no matter what you feel, you have my utmost support and if I can help in any way, please let me know. We both know that you need to find some help in dealing with this. True strength comes when we can admit that some things are beyond our ability to confront alone. This is one of those times, so be strong.

(((Skeebs))) I am sorry you going through this. I hope you can find someone to talk to, it helps alot to get it out in the open and off your chest.To get yourself out of the house, are there places that you can take your doggy for a long walk down there? Some days I rather just be with my dogs, it is amazing how unconditional love thier love can be and he might help to pull you through.Be strong!!XOXO

Seroconverted: Early 80sTested & confirmed what I already knew: early 90s

Current regimen: Atripla. Last regimen: Epzicom, Sustiva (since its inception with NO adverse side effects: no vivid dreams and NONE of the problems people who can't tolerate this drug may experience: color me lucky )Past regimensFun stuff (in the past): HAV/HBV, crypto, shingles, AIDS, PCP

Thanks everyone for the concern and well wishes, trust that it is much appreciated. I've been through despair before, but nothing like Sunday night. It was as if something snapped. My ex-wife from 16 years ago called the police... and I don't remember much. They took me to a crisis center/mental ward about 75 miles away.

I have some follow-up appointments with a psychologist next week. Once again, thanks everyone.

Tomas, I've been where you are before, this all came to a very bad head about 12 yrs ago, I ended up on 72 hour mental health hold, when I had a very bad melt-down, hang in there my man, I can tell you this, it will get better, but it will also take some time as wellsending you out the love & support and healing your way

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I thought the period after my diagnosis would rank as one of the most difficult times in my life, it pales in comparison to this. While it may have been a catalyst to my current state, I am not so sure the separation is entirely to blame. To be honest I think this is my depression left unchecked that has caused everything in my life to fall apart. Not sure if I am making sense, my mind does not seem to work right yet.

I wish they hadn't made the appointment for the therapist so far off, I hunger for answers right now... my short term memory is blitzed and I'm not sure what to make of it.

And sadly, on Sunday night, I attempted suicide... this is just not me. I can't really seem to figure it out yet. I think I lost my mind. I am still in a precarious situation and just trying to maintain for the time being.... but it is better I guess.

Thomas, please dont do this ^. Won't you please call 911 if you get to this point again? Maybe you think the hospital cant help you if you get to this point, but the Paramedics and the hospital staff are trained to help you in this type of situation, and they will be glad to do so.

Or pick up the phone and call one of us.

Or Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. Just let them try to help get you through the moment so that you can live another day - so that your cure will be able to save you

Thomas, please dont do this ^. Won't you please call 911 if you get to this point again? Maybe you think the hospital cant help you if you get to this point, but the Paramedics and the hospital staff are trained to help you in this type of situation, and they will be glad to do so.

Or pick up the phone and call one of us. Or Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255.

Please dont let it get to this point again.

We love you very very much.

-Will

I know Willy, I know.... humbly said: that was then, this is now.... I really can't form the thoughts as to the difference from where I was then and where I am now, but there is a difference... I am working on it.

Sending my support and hugs. Please do as Willy says and call 911 if by chance you feel like doing something to yourself. With depression and other mental illnesses, the urge to "end it" is common but most people don't really want to die - they just don't know what else to do to escape. It is scary when you can't espcape your own head and self medicating is usually the way most people go which compounds the problem.

Paramedics and ER workers are trained in how to deal with this which doesn't always lead to being commited or anything frightening like that which is what most people fear. I attempted to take my own life a few years ago when I was in a dark place but thank God I called 911. I don't think I was ever treated so nicely by people in the health care profession and there was some real change that came after it.

Tomas, suicide isn't the answer, think of what that would do to your family, they just won't get any answers as to why, I have some drugs I can take if things get too WIRED for me, when the walls start to close-in on me, I got my BENZO'S and TRAZODONE, they are not antidepressants, as those are what lead to me having a melt-down, if you can try to get your appointment moved up sooner, it's worth a try, wishing you all the love and healing your way, please take care of YOU Tomas, right now that is of the utmost importance

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

There's really nothing new I can add that hasn't already been said. We are all here for you should you need us. No doubt any one of us would be more than willing to talk anytime you need, and based on personal experience, calling 911 helped tremendously, so please keep that in mind. Sending hugs and love your way!

Sending my support and hugs. Please do as Willy says and call 911 if by chance you feel like doing something to yourself. With depression and other mental illnesses, the urge to "end it" is common but most people don't really want to die - they just don't know what else to do to escape. It is scary when you can't espcape your own head and self medicating is usually the way most people go which compounds the problem.

Paramedics and ER workers are trained in how to deal with this which doesn't always lead to being commited or anything frightening like that which is what most people fear. I attempted to take my own life a few years ago when I was in a dark place but thank God I called 911. I don't think I was ever treated so nicely by people in the health care profession and there was some real change that came after it.

PM me if you need to talk more about it. I have been there.

Pete

Thanks Pete for sharing your experience. You're right, truth is I don't want to die but living at that point (on sunday)seemed even worse than death itself. It's hard to explain. I hope others who have been ignoring their depression can get some kind of message from this, dunno what though... This is something that has been dwelling in me since 2001, long before diagnosis and wife heading for the hills. It's been a destructive force in every aspect of my life, don't know why I ignored it for so long.

Thanks Pete for sharing your experience. You're right, truth is I don't want to die but living at that point (on sunday)seemed even worse than death itself. It's hard to explain. I hope others who have been ignoring their depression can get some kind of message from this, dunno what though... This is something that has been dwelling in me since 2001, long before diagnosis and wife heading for the hills. It's been a destructive force in every aspect of my life, don't know why I ignored it for so long.

Maybe you ignored it, because you were just not ready to hear the truth. I have been where you are now and all that matters now, is for you to find some help and go from there. We both know that suicide solves nothing, however it is a powerful call for help. You know that you don't feel right, mentally and that is always a good sign, because you realize that you still have control. Right now, you just need to be good to you and do things that bring you joy. Tommy, it's time to drop the world from your shoulders, even only for awhile and take care of you. I really feel for you, as I know how black the darkness can become. But you have stepped back from the darkness and you need to find some help, before you return to discover the source of the darkness.

Thomas, please take Wumpy's advice about calling 911, or doing that online thing. We don't want to lose you, especially to suicide.

I've attempted suicide. I've got the scars on my arms to prove it. My mother, rest her soul, actually found me, and she told me she started cleaning me up (there was blood everywhere) while waiting for the paramedics to get there. She did get tested after that.

But the thing is, it affected my daughter, and my family and friends in a pretty nasty way. It took a lot of apologizing on my part, and took a bit of time, before people trusted me again (I don't know if that makes sense). Especially my daughter, it left her feeling empty, and like total shit. And that wasn't fair.

Please get yourself some help sooner than your therapy appointment if need be. I'm counting on this.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Yesterday I called them to move the appointment up to Monday. I thought it was for next Friday but it was actually on Wednesday as Rev Moon pointed out to me over the phone. I can't wait that long.... so it is now on Monday.

I just got back from my 10 am appointment, and as one can tell by the time here on the east coast, it didn't happen. As I was filling out the paperwork, specifically answering the question of when I first talked and walked as a baby, the receptionist informed me of the $102 payment needed per session. This is with insurance of course, so what the hell?!?!

I explained to her that the facility I was in felt it necessary because of a suicide attempt last weekend. She told me I could contact TriCounty which offers services on a sliding scale for those without insurance. That's the problem, I have insurance... I am also still married so they count the income still as part of my household. And we don't qualify....

I should have knocked the office's fancy waterfall rock display over.......

As I was filling out the paperwork, specifically answering the question of when I first talked and walked as a baby, the receptionist informed me of the $102 payment needed per session. This is with insurance of course, so what the hell?!?!

I explained to her that the facility I was in felt it necessary because of a suicide attempt last weekend. She told me I could contact TriCounty which offers services on a sliding scale for those without insurance. That's the problem, I have insurance... I am also still married so they count the income still as part of my household. And we don't qualify....

UTTER BULLSHIT!

The greatest Nation on Earth (or at least we used to be), and we let this crap happen? ugggghhh!

I'm not sure how all this works Thomas, but like Den said, can you call your ASO and relay all this to them?

Negative on the ASO, there are none in my area and all pozzies without insurance use the local health department like I use to. My wife and I make too much annually to qualify for any sort of assistance while not making enough to pay for it on our own, even with insurance. (i'm currently unemployed)

And the matter of me not working right now, well.... doesn't matter, because her income still counts towards the household because we are married.

So I plan on doing what I've been doing for the last week, getting out more, staying busy and looking for work. I've also sought guidance through another source, and have gained some insight on things through that.

But, while I know I am a good person, I have many issues I have always wanted answers to and I thought this was going to be a road of discovery of sorts perhaps. I have no answers to this ticking clock of anxiety that has haunted me all my life... and my temper??? It's 0-60 with no in between..