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Monday, January 6, 2014

A mostly true story.

My conversation with Key Bank's customer service hotline:
"Good afternoon, thank you for calling key! How can I help you today?"
"Hey there. I misspelled the answer to my security question and now I'm locked out of my online account."
"Okay ma'am, that's no problem, I just need to ask you some questions so we can verify your account."
"Great. Thanks."
"My pleasure, ma'am. First question, what date did you open your account?"
"Oh gosh. Um. It was ten years ago. Maybe nine. I think it was the summer time? Let's say 2005."
"Ma'am, how much is currently in your account?"
"Not a lot."
"Ma'am, I need an amount."
"Well that information is online and I'm locked out of my account."
"Okay ma'am, and what is the location of the branch where you opened the account?"
"Orem."
"Ma'am I need the exact address."
"Oh. Well. That information is online. And I can't get into my account. Which is why I'm calling. Remember?"
"Ma'am I need the branch location."
"University Parkway?"
"Okay ma'am, and what time of the day did you open the account?"
"Really?"
"Yes. Also, if you could describe the weather and the color of shirt you were wearing and the name of the mayor of Cincinnati at the time."
"Wait, what?"
"Ma'am what was the amount of your last deposit?"
"Again, that information is online."
"Okay ma'am, can you describe what you ate for lunch?"
"Leftovers."
"Leftover what?"
"Stroganoff."
"Okay ma'am. Edward or Jacob?"
"Jacob. I guess."
"Interesting choice, ma'am. Okay at this time I cannot verify your account."
"But why?"
"Ma'am I cannot tell you which answers were incorrect."
"It was Jacob, wasn't it."
"Ma'am, at this time, I cannot tell you which answers were incorrect."
"Okay. Well what else can I do?"
"Ma'am, you can visit your nearest Key Bank location. Thank you for calling Key!"

My conversation with the manager at my nearest Key Bank location:
"Hey there. I misspelled the answer to my security question and now I'm locked out of my online account."
"Okay ma'am, that's no problem, I'll just need to call customer service."

4 comments:

Detest key. When you and I were roommates, I thought I would be super money savvy and open a CD with my trusty old Key bank. They debited my account twice for my initial deposit, causing me to overdraw the account and have no money. Over the weekend. Like zero dollars. I convinced them to give me a free iPod shuffle (this was cool at the time) and promptly closed my account after receiving it.