Consent is something the Board and Certified Facilitators of Cuddle Party take seriously. It is the foundation of what we do.

In January 2018, a news story came out about the Cuddle Party co-founder, Reid Mihalko, alleging that he had coerced a woman into sexual acts in 2009. He subsequently issued a public apology, acknowledging the harm he had caused, and agreed to enter into an accountability process. Reid announced that he was stepping down from booking or teaching any events for an undetermined amount of time, citing, “As I receive new information from my community about other harms I’ve caused to people, it is irresponsible that I teach sex ed until I’ve done some serious self-analysis and deep, deep work on myself.”

We as a community and as an organization are dismayed by Reid’s actions. Consent is the cornerstone of what we do at Cuddle Party. We have dedicated our lives to building a world where touch and affection can be shared in ways that are enthusiastically welcomed and where no one is obligated to do things they don’t want to. At Cuddle Party events, we create spaces where No is respected and honored and never has to be explained. Reid’s actions are antithetical to our values and the vision we hold for the world.

Due to these recent revelations, Reid’s facilitator certification has been revoked. This means he cannot facilitate Cuddle Parties.

(Reid has not held a leadership role in the organization since 2008, and this will continue to be true.)

Many of us are friends with Reid, or looked to him for leadership, and are processing feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and betrayal. It has been a difficult and eye-opening experience, particularly as we all work diligently to bring consent culture to the wider world through safe, non-sexualized cuddling. We believe accountability is important and valuable and we are consoled by the seriousness with which Reid is taking this issue. We hope his accountability process serves to heal the harm that has been caused, even as it does not restore Reid to a leadership position in any way in the Cuddle Party organization.

Many of you already get why a Men’s Cuddle Party would be amazing, eye-opening, fun, connecting, relaxing, or healing. But for some guys, it may not be immediately obvious. And for others, it may be downright frightening!

North American culture sends us (particularly straight men) lots of messages about not getting too close to other men, which can leave us a bit isolated! Here are a few reasons* why you might want to consider giving a Men’s Cuddle Party** a try:

1. There are some great men in our community!
With all the great women in our community, sometimes we miss the opportunity to connect with the guys in our midst. This is a great chance to build friendships and to experience our fellow men as something other than “the competition”

2. We are often raised to keep some emotional distance from other men
Sometimes this means we end up trying to meet our needs for emotional comfort and physical comfort through the women in our lives (women often have a more diversified support network). When men give support and acceptance to one another, we emerge juicier, stronger, happier, and all our relationships benefit.

3. In my experience, men are very good at giving massages
Strong hands? Social incentives? Couldn’t tell you. But if you’re a guy with a knot in your back, a men’s cuddle party might just be one of the best places to be.

4. Cuddle Parties are also a workshop to practice skillful communication…about what we’re interested in and what we’re not, and to gain fluency with our own boundaries and interests. Some people find it easier to practice these skills with folks of their own gender. If you’re not sure about cuddling, but you’re looking to dive into the myriad of personal development opportunities at a Cuddle Party, a men’s event could be a great place to start.

5. Cuddle Parties are great spaces for trying new things and taking small steps outside your comfort zone
Because many of us have been been discouraged from physical contact with other men, many of us need a bit of extra safety and structure to even consider what might be on the other side of that wall. As with all Cuddle Parties, you are not required to do anything, and you’re supported in trying things and changing your mind at the drop of a hat. This allows some incredible freedom for self-exploration.

If you identify as a man, and there’s a Men’s Cuddle Party in your area, I’d encourage you to give it some consideration. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk. And if you’re a Yes to checking it out, I’d love to hear about your experiences!

Notes:

* These reasons are generalizations, and a lot of them apply particularly (though not exclusively) to straight men raised in mainstream North America. We are a diverse group, and the challenges and benefits will be different for different people. If you identify as a man of any sort this space is for you, and I look forward to hearing about your own experiences.

** Specialized Cuddle Parties are meant to create opportunities for greater connection between people. Cuddle Party loves people of all genders, orientations. ages. and pretty much anything else you can think of. Respect for all humans is fundamental at all our events. In Vancouver, we currently run specialized events for Young People (18-30), self-identified Men, and self-identified Women.

This is by CP facilitator Edie Weinstein, and posted on SMINGLE, a website for singles.
SMINGLE: How do cuddle parties play into boundaries and communication?

EDIE: Cuddle Party is a 3 1/2 hour workshop designed to offer a safe space to learn about communication, boundary setting and nurturing, non-sexual touch. It includes what I call ‘portable life skills’ that allow participants to practice immediately saying yes to what they want in life and no to what they don’t want. The workshop begins with The Welcome Circle which sets that helps people get to know a bit more about each other and establishes the rules, including that clothes stay on the whole time and that verbal consent is necessary before anyone is touched.

SMINGLE: How does sexuality and sensuality differ?

EDIE: Sensuality is about immersing in each experience with senses fully alive and engaged. Enjoying an orange, for example, can be a completely sensual experience as you gaze at it, noticing the color of the rind and the pulp and the fruit itself, and then smelling it, taking in the sweet and tangy aroma, listening to the sound of the peel coming away from the pulp in a slight ripping manner, feeling the bumps on the skin, tasting the juice as it sits on your tongue and licking it off your fingers and from your chin as it drips downward. Doesn’t it feel like you just ate an orange?

Sexuality is greatly enhanced if you allow all of your senses to be turned on. The most powerful aphrodisiac is the imagination and the most important sex organ is the mind. We are each responsible for our own pleasure and cannot expect a partner to provide us with that.

I encourage women and men to get to know what they enjoy and then share that information with any others with whom they are involved so that no one need be a mind-reader. You are more likely to ‘get what you want, when you know what you want’

SMINGLE: What role does body image play in sexuality?

EDIE: These amazing bodies we are given at birth have receptors that can take in all manner of sensations. A healthy, vibrant body is able to offer and receive immense amounts of pleasure. Unfortunately, in many cultures, there is the mistaken impression that only certain body types are attractive. That belief limits people in terms of their willingness to be visible. Shame, perhaps from childhood messages about our bodies, trauma or abuse history may play a role in how people view themselves. The more you love the skin you’re in, the more you will enjoy sexual interaction.SMINGLE: How do cuddle parties play into boundaries and communication?

Cuddle Party is a 3 1/2 hour workshop designed to offer a safe space to learn about communication, boundary setting and nurturing, non-sexual touch. It includes what I call ‘portable life skills’ that allow participants to practice immediately saying yes to what they want in life and no to what they don’t want. The workshop begins with The Welcome Circle which sets that helps people get to know a bit more about each other and establishes the rules, including that clothes stay on the whole time and that verbal consent is necessary before anyone is touched.

SMINGLE: What advice would you give individuals embarking on a new relationship with someone that has different spiritual beliefs?

EDIE: Openly share with a potential partner, what your beliefs are and the ways in which you live them. Spirituality is not simply what you do in a house of worship on a particular day of the week. It is about the influence it has on your values and principles. If either person’s beliefs are so rigid that they leave no room for those of the other, then perhaps there is not enough synchrony between them. If there is flexibility and understanding, then peaceful co-existence is possible.

SMINGLE: What advice would you offer divorcees re-entering the dating scene?

EDIE: I would first encourage them to love the man or woman in the mirror. No one will ever love you enough to make up for you not loving yourself. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated by a partner. Know that you are whole and complete, whether or not you are in a relationship. If you feel wounded by divorce and are still carrying anger and resentment toward your former partner, it will have an impact on any new relationship. Enter into the experience with a healing heart. Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else; it is a gift you give yourself. Dating is a way of getting to know another human being AND getting to know yourself. I was widowed and since then, have had wonderful lovers and relationship partners. I have few regrets and find that love is never wasted.

BIO

Rev. Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW is a Renaissance Woman and Bliss Mistress who delights in inviting people to live rich, full, juicy lives. Her business is called By Divine Design, the title of which came to her in a dream. Edie is an internationally recognized, journalist, interviewer and author, inspirational speaker, licensed social worker and interfaith minister. She speaks on the subjects of wellness, spirituality, sexuality, loss and grief and is a frequent guest on radio and television. Edie is a contributing author to the book Sunshine Sisters: A Celebration of Legacies http://www.mollysunshinetour.com/. Check out Edie’s daily Bliss Blog at http://blog.beliefnet.com/blissblog/

However, we realize that it’s a question that comes up, and many people are just not yet at the place where they are comfortable with people of the ‘wrong’ gender. It’s understandable and deserves some thought.

For those of you who ate to much this Thanksgiving or who are already strategizing a New Year’s resolution to counteract all the holiday sweets, you may want to try the latest thing: a new weight-loss plan called the “Cuddle Party Diet.” It’s fantastic. You make new friends, get some affection, and leave feeling relaxed and elated. What could be better?

Humorous though it may sound, it could be true. A number of recent studies have indicated that cuddling may actually help you lose weight. But how can that be?

Most people who know me consider me an open book. There’s not much I’m unwilling to reveal, and many people find it very easy to get close to me. Having said that, we all have things we don’t like to discuss, sticky issues that make us uncomfortable or self-conscious. Or we might not want to talk about certain things because we just don’t think they’re that important and we’d rather not dwell on them. But in the spirit of openness, we sometimes take a risk and share our hearts in the hope that others will receive our gift of vulnerability and accept us, warts and all.

For those who don’t know me, let me preface this column by saying that I am a Bible-thumping, Jesus-loving born-again Christian. I believe the Bible is infallible and am absolutely convinced that Jesus Christ is the only way to God. I’m pro-life and am committed to remaining a virgin until I take the plunge into the uncharted waters of holy matrimony. In other words, I’m one of those dangerous people the mainstream media labels as a member of the religious right.

Researchers are always seeking answers to fundamental questions about illness: “What is the cause of cancer?” “How does stress damage your cells and organs?” “What causes plaque to build up inside your arteries?”

The flip side of such questions is “what is the mechanism by which love and affection positively affect health?” The answer to this question is oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone and neurotransmitter. Once believed to confine its effects to inducing labor and milk ejection, oxytocin actually has far-reaching effects on both sexes. You could not fall in love without it. These days it goes by nicknames such as “the bonding hormone,” “the cuddle hormone,” and even “the love hormone.”

You have two rules regarding sexuality…No dry humping, and no sex. The no dry humping is pretty obvious, but the no sex isn’t. Sex means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. How do you define it? -Shawn

Great question, Shawn.

The quickie answer (pun intended!) is that the Cuddle Party definition of sex is any activity (snuggle, nuzzle, kiss, massage, spoon, etc.) that’s done from the intention of “getting somewhere,” as in, “gotta get to the next base.”

February 28th, 2005 will mark the one-year anniversary of first-ever Cuddle Party. As the date fast approaches, I am blown away by just how far Cuddle Party has come in just 366 days (Leap Year, remember?).

The most touching moment of the past year came to me early one non-descript morning in August when I received a 7:30am call from a stuttery-voiced man asking if there would be any Cuddle Parties in St. Louis come February. I explained that we were planning to begin training people to be Cuddle Party Facilitators early in 2005, but that we didn’t even have an application process ready or anything announced. Perhaps, with some luck, someone from St. Louis would be accepted into the program, go on to become certified, and be leading Cuddle Party events by February, but no promises, I explained.

Okay, you’ve heard or read about Cuddle Parties enough times that you’ve finally checked out the website, said to yourself in your best skeptical voice, “Hmmmm, seems harmless enough… Three hours of massage, spooning, and conversation sounds pretty okay.” Then your boss calls up and yells at you for ten minutes, after which the idea of cuddling a bunch of strangers sounds like heaven. In a moment of hug-fest-crave induced courage, you email your RSVP to the next Cuddle Party, and now you’re thinking, “What the heck do I do now? How do I make the most of all this?”

One of the most frequently asked questions we get about Cuddle Party is “It’s really a cover for an orgy, right?” In today’s day and age, somewhere, somehow, we became convinced that sustained affection must lead to sex. Therefore, a group of adults touching each other affectionately over a three-hour period MUST turn into an orgy. The two concepts of Touch and Sex got stuck together and squished. All of a sudden, touching became having sex, or on the way to having sex. Therefore, cuddling must lead to sex, right?

In speaking to people about Cuddle Party, Reid and I have frequently experienced a lot of wariness and disbelief from women. Many women simply don’t believe that engaging in such a thing could be safe, much less fun.

Why would I want to pay for a Cuddle Party when I can get groped by strangers in a bar for free? their raised eyebrows seem to say. Guys don’t listen, they don’t respect us, they just want sex. Men are bastards.

Bill Maher recently declared on his new HBO show, Real Time with Bill Maher, that “Cuddling is for girls.” He went on to humorously advise against Cuddle Parties for men, stating that the only time a man should say that he needs a hug is if he’s choking.

Maybe a good spooning would sway Bill Maher’s view point, but his humor is right on. The opinion that “skipping the screwing entirely” and going “right to the boring part afterwards (cuddling)” is a sure sign of the “neurotic and emasculated” is funny because it’s so on-target with what many people think. It’s exactly what a virile, All-American, He-Man is supposed to say about non-sexual touch, right?