The Script to Hasbro's Episode Four: A New Resculpt - Special Edition! (continued)

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The Script to Hasbro's Episode Four: A New Resculpt - Special Edition! (continued)

(This'll probably get moved, but this is the category it was under in the old forums.)

This is a continuation of the story of Star Wars: A New Hope told through the eyes of the figures. When Tycho created the thread, he set up some much more detailed rules, which I don't feel like retyping. Basically, in Star Wars: Episode One: The Resculpt Menace, the Power of the Jedi Line was created. Vader and the Emperor rule the galaxy, but the Rebels want justice for the aliens who will never be produced otherwise.

"Cripes," thinks POTF CT Han. "I can't get my pistol out of this stupid holster. That screwy QC inspector didn't check to see that the pistol was permanently glued to it. I guess I'll have to BS my way through this one."

"My only hope is that the Boba Fett in this scene is the original one and not the 300th edition with rocket firing backpack or even the Deluxe version with the mother of all rocket packs."

"Jabba, even I get resculpted now and then. I've got a sweet job that'll pay the debt in full. But there's no way I'll pay more than the extra 10%. I was a pegwarmer for a long time so there's no need to pay you a scalper's ransom."

After climbing over Jabba's plastic wagging tail, Han climbes in to the Falcon which has miraculously been resculpted to a much better detail than he can remember.

"I'm just a YES man trying to make my way in the universe." - Jango McCallum

"Good dialogue and smooth editing are no match for a good YES man by your side, kid." - George Lucas

Ben and Luke leave a Mos Eisley speeder lot, handing credits to, well, no one, because the Seller Alien hasn't been produced yet.

Ben: "You'll have to sell your Vintage speeder."
Luke: "Didn't we just hand him our money? Oh well. Since the POTF2 version came out, the old one's just not in demand anymore."

Garindan notices the two heading towards a docking bay. Since he's the "hologram" version, instead of the Freeze Frame one, no one noticed him at all. He talks in his COMMtech Reader.

Ben and Luke meet up with R2 and Threepio. Chewie leads them into the docking bay. Since this is R2 w/ Holo, his articulated ankles let him descent the steps. Luke realizes this is the POTF2 Falcon that had been jammed in the bottom shelf of Toys R Us for a year and a half.

Luke: "What a piece of junk!"

"I went to Star Wars Celebration VII in Anaheim, and I didn't get even a lousy t-shirt."

"...It's full of dust and it looks like it has been broken into. Where's the floor plate and radar dish?"

Han: Never mind that kid. Someone broke into the box to pilfer it for parts for their vintage Falcon. By the way, which Luke are you? I know you're not the original 1977 Luke because you don't have a lightsaber growing out of your arm and not the OC 1995 Luke because you are punier than a midget standing in a hole.

Luke: Well I was floppy hat Luke a little while ago and I will be Helmet Luke in a few minutes. Gee, I don't know. Maybe there's one more resculpt of me to be made.

Just then a rabble of Stormtroopers break into docking bay 99 and begin firing.

Han: Damn! I still can't get this pistol out of my built in holster! Chewie, hurry up or we're going to get resculpted really fast!

CTC Han miraculously becomes resculpted to OC Super-buff Han and with a mighty yank, dislodges his holstered pistol. Amazed at the size of his bulk, the wimpy POTF GC Stormtroopers scurry away.

[External view of Mos Eisley spaceport. Two sandtroopers; one from the POTJ line with binoculars, the other a lowly non-FF sandtrooper look on as the Falcon takes off...

"I'm just a YES man trying to make my way in the universe." - Jango McCallum

"Good dialogue and smooth editing are no match for a good YES man by your side, kid." - George Lucas

Luke: It's awfully cramped in here.
Han: Here, come up into the CD-ROM cockpit. It's much roomier, and apparently the floor tiles do stuff in conjunction with a computer keyboard.
Luke (in his best Cartman voice): Sweet!

Death Star Troopers croutch in the DS Chasm playset, because that's their only pose, as the beam fires on the Complete Galaxy Dagobah playset.

Interior Millenium Falcon:
POTJ Ben Kenobi: "Ooh!"
Helmet Luke: "Ben? What's wrong?"
Ben: "I felt as if millions of Force Fires were sent out with spelling errors, then suddenly changed to .0004 versions. I feel as if something terrible has happened. You should continue to be discounted."
Smuggler Pack Han (entering): "I told you I could get yet another resculpt."Sound of crickets
Han: "Don't everyone buy me at once."
C-3PO and Chewie are playing his Dejarik gameboard.
C-3PO: "Now be careful, R2. These pieces are molded, and if you break them, the Wookie will no longer be mint."
R2 makes some mouse clicks.
Chewbacca: "Grrowl!"
C-3PO: "He made a fair bid. You're only worth $6 by now. Screaming about it won't help you."
Han: "You'd better take his 'Buy It Now.'"
C-3PO: "But, sir. No one worries about bidding on a pegwarmer."
Han: "That's because scalpers will keep submitting them for bid, if you don't."
C-3PO: "I still don't see your point, but let the Wookie win the auction."
Chewie (surprise!) puts his arms up behind his head.

Luke and Ben and still doing lightsaber exercises...

"I went to Star Wars Celebration VII in Anaheim, and I didn't get even a lousy t-shirt."

Vader: "Her resistance to the resculpt focus groups is strong."
Tarkin: "I don't understand; she's the only female character. Why won't she allow the Really All Absolutely New Sculpt! or Disco Outfit?"
Intercom Voice: "Sir?"
Tarkin: "Yes?"
Voice: "We've captured a Millenium Falcon. It matches the one we 'accidently' damaged and tried to remove the sticker sheet."
Vader: "They must be trying to get their money back. Leia may yet be of use to us."

The Falcon passes through the store 'theft protector' into the toy department, and a SpaceTrooper watches it, from his $50 Star Case.

Stormtroopers search the ship for any figures. Of course, there are Malakilis, Chocobi-Wans, and Tatooine Anakins, but these are not the figures they're looking for.
Officer: "Lord Vader."
Vader: "Did you find any Droids figures? Vlix maybe?"
Officer: "No. The sticker sheet is missing, as well as the catalog. We believe they may have played with this 'toy' right after the store."
Vader: "I sense something. A present I've not felt since..."
Vader turns around like he was on a Land Of The Jawas playset spinner.

Where were our heroes?

"I went to Star Wars Celebration VII in Anaheim, and I didn't get even a lousy t-shirt."

Luke: "It's a good thing you had these Last Action Hero toys."
Han: "I've been a scalper before, but I'm not used to hiding myself. Look, we'll never get past that Rent-A-Security-Guard at the entrance."
Ben: "Leave that to me."
Han: "D*mn fool! I knew you'd say something like that!"
Ben: "Who's more foolish; the scalper or the buyer who pays scalper prices?"

Death Star Trooper: "COMMtech Stromtrooper; why aren't you on the shelves? CTC Trooper; come in."
The trooper looks into the back stock room. He sees several case assortments that should hold CTC STs. An employee is tapping the box while holding CTC Greedos and Jawas in his hand. The DS Trooper understands.
DS Trooper: "We've got a dealer. I'll see what I can do."
As the door is opened, 12" ChewbaccaMcBeal hits him in the face. Han crumples the blister bubble on another DS Trooper, rendering him un-purchasable.
Luke: "What with his crappy sculpt and your overproduction it's no wonder we're pegwarmers!"
Han: "Bring 'em on! I prefer occasional resculpts to all these shipping delays."

R2-D2 makes a startling discovery...

"I went to Star Wars Celebration VII in Anaheim, and I didn't get even a lousy t-shirt."