I am going to pray for the two of you! Thank you for your candid posts!

I have a question: how much did the two of you talk about roles, responsibilities, and real-life/day-to-day living while he was still incarcerated?

My friends think I am silly sometimes because we will have an argument about something so irrelevant to our current lives because he is still inside. I tell them that, when a topic surfaces, we need to discuss it whether or not it is relevant at the time. We both need to understand each other completely! We need to have reasonable expectations about everything! It will already be a huge adjustment when he does come home and we will have disagreements that we have to deal with so, if there are things we can fight about all throughout our relationship, we need to do that!

You've referenced the MWI factor. My husband and I had a relationship before he went in, but that doesn't fix everything. Just so everyone is thinking about it, EVERYONE grows/matures/changes! Relationships end even if no one becomes incarcerated. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! It is so important to relearn each other every day and keep talking about big things and little things!

The key to your current success is due to the investment you both have in the relationship. I told my husband a long time ago that my happiness should matter to him! I told him his happiness matters to me! He couldn't agree more. We reference that sentiment in times of conflict. It is hard to merge two lives and get everything YOU want. Communicate and compromise!

One more thing, it is necessary (in my opinion) for a man to feel like a man, especially if you want him to behave responsibly! My friends think it is funny that I include my husband in day-to-day decision making, both big and small. The truth is I can usually get him to think "like me" and still think the decision was his. LOL We just got our house painted and when it was all complete, he said, "I did such a good job picking out the whole color scheme!!!" "Yes baby! You did that! It looks so good!" LOL Men are supposed to be the leaders of the family! They are supposed to be protectors and providers! We need to feed that ego the best we can and keep building them into those strong leaders. It is not always easy because most of us women are extremely independent, if not naturally, out of necessity. It can be done though. Build on little gestures.

Good luck and keep the communication/compromise going!

We did talk about roles and responsibilities for when he came home. We talked about it a bit before his release in 2014, but before he came home in May, we spent much more time in it. He needed to know what I expected from a husband. We marred a week or so after that first release. He wasn't ready and had no clue how to be a husband. He thought he was, though.

I tried to include him in the decision making process with things, but he would not participate. He would tell me that he wasn't there. That because he was in prison he didn't have the right to be a part of that process... We had a couple fights about it. I told him that we needed to start doing those things together because we were married, but he would not budge. I tried to talk to him about bills, so he knew what they were, how much they were and when they came out... He wouldn't talk about it. Again, the reason was that he was in prison and didn't have the right to do that. He's an extremely stubborn man who has his own moral code and values. I don't understand them most of the time.

The problem with him acting like a teenager and not like a man comes from being incarcerated as a teen. It stunted his maturity. He can function, quite well, as an adult in prison. Outside of there, it's a problem. He really has never functioned out here as an adult. He doesn't really have an adult male that he can spend time with, other than his friends, and most of them have done time. He hasn't learned how to be a man. The things his father taught him have me scratching me head. He taught J that a man will support his family by whatever means necessary... Be it a hammer or a gun. We fought about that pretty hard the last time he was home. He chose the gun and was still out there, breaking the law. So he went back... What he went back for was the gun his dad said he could support his family with.

When someone has been incarcerated for quite a while it totally changes their heads. Everything seems to be viewed in prison terms. That's what they have been used to. I can't get mine to understand that prison logic doesn't work out here. It just doesn't. Not everyone is out to get over on you.

We are committed to making this work. The fact that it's hard for him to put himself in my shoes makes it difficult. It's a process.

__________________

Angela

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Time should help him adjust to life after prison, at least it did for me. There were still a few "WTF did I just do, or say", but the longer I have been away, the less prison influences my thinking. What hasn't changed is my opinion of our society, which is drastically different than before I lived in the belly of the beast.