Crazy Cat Lady Diaries - The Mouse

Summary: Stories based on conversations with a dear friend who will always be a Crazy Cat Lady to me. Part truth, part fiction, all humorous!

Chapter 1

I know what everyone calls people like me, a crazy cat lady. Maybe I do prefer the company of cats to
people, but they understand me in a way people don’t. As I near the “Golden Years,” my cats have
become the family I never had. I have my
two boys, Moose and Tuvok, nicknamed Fattums and Baddums. Two lovable, adorable, and utterly rotten
animals. Fattums eats everything in
sight and Baddums likes to projectile vomit all over the house. I imagine if I had children, they would act
like them. Which probably explains why I
never had any kids.

And like anyone with kids, while I love my boys dearly,
there are days I want to murder them.
Today was just such a day. I came
home from work, took off my shoes, and was just getting comfortable when Tuvok
walked up and rubbed up against my legs.
This normally wouldn’t be a cause for alarm. But as I reached down to pet him, I saw
something wiggling in his mouth. Bending
closer, I found he had a damn mouse in his mouth.

Of course, I screamed like a girl and jumped, which scared Tuvok. Stupid cat dropped the mouse. While it scurried off, Tuvok looked up at me
as if to say, “Are you going to get that?”

Ignoring him, I moved into the dining room, flipping on
every light as I went. My eyes scoured
every nook and cranny. Not finding
anything moving around, I crept toward the kitchen. Reaching around the corner, I turned on the
light then looked inside. Nothing on the
floor at least. Sliding past the doorway,
I grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on, an old, heavy pot. Holding it by the handle like a baseball bat,
I searched. Nothing out of the
ordinary. Wherever that mouse went, it
was gone.

“Meow.”

Looking back, I found Moose, reminding me that I’ve
neglected my duty to feed him as soon as I walked in the door. Praying the mouse would go visit my
neighbors, I made my way upstairs with Moose right behind me. Reaching the top stair, Moose dashed by me,
almost knocking me back down the stairs again in his rush to get to his dish
before I do. I grabbed the railing to
steady myself while cussing him out. He
ignored me and raced into the cat room.
Much good it’ll do him to kill me by knocking me down the stairs! He’ll never be fed then.

After I fed the ungrateful baggage, I changed clothes and
headed back downstairs to get my own dinner.
As I entered the kitchen, I spotted Tuvok sitting on the floor, staring
up at the stove. Looking up, I found
what had his attention. That damn mouse
was sitting on my stove, cleaning his whiskers.
Tuvok, that worthless cat, was doing nothing but watching him.

I inched around the corner.
I kept looking around for my broom then back at the mouse. Didn’t want it to escape again. I finally found my broom and grabbed it. The mouse, sensing his pending death,
scurried across the counter. Holding up
the broom like a ninja warrior, I yelled, “DIE,” as I swung at that damn
mouse. In the next instant, I knew I
made a huge mistake. But, I couldn’t
stop it from happening. In slow motion,
I watched the broom miss the mouse and smash into my favorite pink wine glass. It flew against the wall and shattered. Glass flying everywhere, I screamed,
“WHAAAAA!”

Furious now, I’ll admit, I became a little deranged. That glass was from my mother. Granted, it didn’t match any damn thing else
in the house, but I loved it! The rodent
managed to escape while I was distracted with the destruction of my wine glass. I looked all over for the vermin and spotted
him moving near the wall.

“There you are, you little bastard!”

The damn thing actually paused and looked back at me as if
to say, “Who? Me?”

Apparently, I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. Raising the broom over my head, I raced
forward to smash it, only to stop abruptly when a piece of glass punctured the
bottom of my foot. Dropping the broom, I
cried out, “Ouch! Damn it, damn it, damn
it,” as I hopped on one foot away from the rest of the broken glass.

Reaching the doorway back to the dining room, I clutched the
wood trim to maintain my balance. I lifted
my foot and found the piece of glass still stuck to me. I pulled it out, cursing out the mouse and
cats the entire time. Putting my foot
down, I stood up, looked into the dining room, and found the boys sitting
together, watching me. Their tails
twitched back and forth and I could swear they were smiling at my debacle. What’s more entertaining to a cat than a
crazy woman swinging a broom at a mouse?

Noticing me glaring at them, both cats turned and insolently
walked away. Hopping over to a chair, I
sat down and carefully examined my foot.
No permanent damage, but damn, it hurt like hell. Grabbing a napkin from the holder, I took off
my sock and pressed the napkin to the cut.
It took several minutes and cursing a blue streak, but it finally stopped
bleeding.

Standing, I’m ready to limp my way into the living room to
put my feet up and happened to look back in the kitchen. There was the little bastard, back on top of my
stove, doing a victory lap. Cursing out
lazy cats, rat bastard mice, and the world in general, I limped into the living
room. The mouse won this battle, but I
would win the war!

The next day, I came home from work, armed and ready to do
battle. I stopped at the store and
bought Tomcat Glue Traps. The
description on the box drew my attention, “Tomcat glue traps represent the very
latest in glue trap technology.” That
had better mean they’ll hold the little bastard. I placed them around my kitchen and dining
room then the waiting game began.

Every day I’d come home from work and dutifully check the
traps. Every day the damn things were
empty. A week went by. The traps remained empty, but I didn’t see
the mouse either. I started to
wonder. Maybe my lazy cats did their job
and I just haven’t found the body? Maybe
the mouse decided to move into my neighbor’s house instead? Another week went by without a mouse
sighting. Deciding either the thing was
dead or moved on, I quit turning on all the lights and looking around every
corner before walking into a room.

Now, I don’t cook a whole lot since I’m the only one here to
eat it. Mostly I get by on salads,
frozen microwave dinners, and sandwiches.
One night, I decided to treat myself to a take and bake pizza. I turned on the oven, put the pizza in, and
went to put my feet up while I waited for the timer to go off.

Sitting back in my recliner, I picked up the remote control
and turned the television on. Moose
decided to join me, sitting across my lap as I stroked his back with my free
hand. Just as I was getting into the
evening news, this smell started coming from the kitchen. It wasn’t a smell one would expect when you
put a pizza in the oven either.

Pushing Moose from my lap, much to his irritation, I rose
and went to investigate. Approaching the
kitchen, the smell was much stronger. I
looked at the top of my stove, nothing there.
Opening the oven, the smell almost knocked me over. I turned the oven off. Next, I pulled the half-baked pizza out of
the oven and looked. For God’s sake, I
just cleaned this oven a couple of weeks ago.
Haven’t made anything that cooked over that would cause a smell like
this.

Pulling out the rack, I set it on top of the stove and looked again. Finally, I spotted it. The sight had me ready to toss my cookies. A half-baked mouse lay dead in the back
corner of the oven. Well, that’s where
the little bastard went. I slammed the
oven door closed.

No dinner for me that night.
You could say I lost my appetite.
I tossed the pizza into the garbage.
It would be a long damn time before I could think about pizza and not
remember cooked mouse smell too! I had
to wait for the oven to cool down before I could clean out the remains.

Next day, I went out and bought burner covers for my
stove. Almost burned my damn house down
with them too. But, that’s another
story…

Write a Review
Did you enjoy my story? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! Thanks,
Mertz

Mark Morris:
Just back from a week in Dublin and finished this story in 2 days - very entertaining and an easy, fun read. The plot keeps moving and the various scenarios - divorce, ex husband, job, lovers maintains interest.Hope to read part 2 soon as possible, back in Australia.Well done aiofe 👍

trippix1963:
Not really a big surprise at the end, but it's pretty well written and fun. I liked the characters - they were more developed than in some successful published books I've read. A few typos but I've seen that in published books in the last few years.

PenumbraMINE:
I really enjoyed this quirky story. It was sweet and funny and very well written and not the usual mystery romance. A caffeine-addicted English librarian, a hot Canadian farmer, and a ghost go looking for treasure is the gist but this story is so much more. I don't want to give away the details b...

viveksaji1990:
The novel is altogether a fun read although there are way too many typos and spelling-grammar errors. If those could be corrected, I am willing to give a better rating and also convince people to buy the book if the book gets published. Apart from the typos, its a really fun and slightly romantic...

jaydenmatheny:
it I absolutely amazing on if the best books I have personally read❤ I highly recommend this to anyone 13+ back to my point I love this book and there should definitely be a second I would most likely but this book if I ever saw it in a store

tinaasante871:
the story of the two best friends are soo sad but it didn't end well at all.... I hope there will be a continuation... I will be patiently waiting for how Faith and Lucy will stay together and be accepted by both their families...

emilia handy:
THIS BOOK WAS JUST SO AMAZING?!?!!??! I couldnt make myself stop reading it. it had such amazing characters and an amazing plot twist. i suggest everybody should read this that likes humor as well as romance.

Katharine Southworth:
This story has such an interesting premise. It was well thought out and well executed. I was a little confused that the main female character wasn't more cautious around her husband after she had lost her memories of him. Otherwise, I enjoyed the characters.There were grammatical and technical er...

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