Ah well, it is that time yet again, the thread to end all threads! The ONE thread (except there are nine of them, so that doesn’t really work does it) The thread of impending doom! So sit back and enjoy yet another years’ worth of predictions by me, Kaolian Drachensborn, the one and only Psychic Ranger of Doom and Stuff! 2013, or “lucky number 2013” will come to be known as the “year of the mysterious tree ooze” after a tree is discovered to be oozing material previously unknown to science. It turns out later to be pizza sauce, but not until 2014.

The world economy will start out horrible, but will immediately see a turnaround once the stock market is replaced with a MMO random number generator that just assigns people wealth randomly depending on the day.

The Asylum will continue its rampage of conquest, having assimilated the WoW forum without them even noticing. Next up? The original Everquest forum! The invasion plans go awry however as it is discovered the original fortifications left by the ancients at the tume iof the OOT sundering are not only still intact, but they are in fact aware and actively repelling any return of the Exiled ones. Also a new form of pudding is discovered.

Kastigir decides to take up competitive pogo stick racing on the circuit, winning fame and fortune for his record bounce time at Annapolis.

Siesen and Tasera will be involved in a horrific teleporter experiment accident, leading to the creation of SiesTaserasen, terror of the Caribbean mongoose fields!

Timelordwho perfects his recipe for the perfect bagel spread, to the delight and confusion of at least 4 other people.

TirithRR will be the only person I accidentally duplicated on the list this year, which given my selection process for making the list is actually pretty damned close to a miracle. Previous years have had at lest 4 duplicates that I later have to weed out before posting. Oh, and also he’ll be hit in the ankle by a small planetoid.

tribalfusion009 will discover where 001-008 went off to once he discovers their secret cookie making lair. They apparently make cookies there. Fusion powered cookies.

Deep in the Andes mountains Xsarus will discover a secret decommissioned space shuttle base built during the cold war and forgotten for years. Under finders-keepers law, free space shuttle Yay!

Davejohnsan: One word: Horseapult…

Jophiel will learn how to balance a chair on his chin this year. Because that’s a skill that has unlimited number of practical uses!

Atomicflea isn’t in this list this year because she didn’t post in the Asylum in time to get in the list. So there nyah! Thbbbt!!!!!

Exodus will secretly be revealed to have been Clstr7 THIS WHOLE TIME!!!! MWahahahahahahahahah!!!!

While tuning a broken xylophone, Aripyanfarwill discover a long lost mathematical proof for the perfect equation. That proof eventually makes a nice shim for the G flat key.

PunkFloyd decides to star in a remake of “Plan 9 from outer space” the worst movie of all time. Given the inevitable rule about sequels being worse than the originals, this eventually destroys civilization as we know it.

Draxyle will…. Wait, really? I can’t tell him that. With an industrial rotohammer? Wow… To shreds you say? Ouch. Well, I guess it would be better not to know that ahead of time, especially the part about the toboggan.

Calthine will learn how to yodel the national anthem!

Despite appearances to the contrary, Belkira will form a secret shadow company to provide discount sock lint samples to laboratories around the world. Said lint samples will be used for nefarious purposes too terrible to predict or even speculate about, such as the creation of lint monsters or alternative felt hats!

Shaowstrike and Criminy will be nibbled to death by tree frogs. That happens sometimes. Only a D could have prevented it…

Paskil will discover that I like to use excess exclamation points when writing most of my posts for no apparent reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

Stupidmonkey inherits 14 million chickens from a mysterious benefactor. Unfortunatly, it doesn’t come with a place to store 14 million chickens.

Aethien will briefly invent a new form of matter, but then he decides to clean the microwave and it is lost for all time.

Deadgye will discover a ________ while _______ing down the abandoned slope of mount ________. Upon it’s discovery, he will shout ______________! Before falling over into a year long __________.

Klausneck learns that a hidden camera, 4 tons of liquid cheddar and a tow truck can make the best viral movies of all time when combined with a herd of angry rabid yaks!

Poldaran will report so many spammers this year that the spam reports themselves will technically be classified as spam briefly, causing him to have to report himself, then report the reports on himself, causing an infinite loop and a brief period of lock up until he is software patched.

LockeColeMA will discover the secret stash of lost relic ban sticks from the age of UBB, and will go on a brief reign of terror. It will be terrifying. In the long run no one really misses the warhammer forum anyways though.

Nadenu will find a gold nugget the size of a large van. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how much you like chocolate) the entire thing is a gold foil wrapped chocolate nugget. Catwho will briefly change her name to “Catwhat?” in an effort to confuse people on Tuesdays. It works, but the effects last far longer than predicted, lasting well into Wednesday, and leading to a global resurgence of yodelers.

While walking to the park on Thursday, June 13th at precisely 8:07 am pacific standard time, Elinda will trip over an exposed waffle vein, causing her to drop a package containing 200 giant rubber bouncy balls. The balls then proceed to bounce out of the package, and down the street, where they later collide with a package of antimatter bouncy balls, causing a massive explosion. All is not lost however, as the explosion is directed upwards by a conveniently placed titanium alloy funnel, and ends up inadvertently launching a taco stand to the moon. The stand soon receives awards for outstanding tacos.

Spoonless will decide to learn how to speak Batchi and the bianary language of moisture vaporators.

Demea will invent a new programming language consisting of only 2’s and 3’s. It’s like Binary, only not!

Rdmcandie, Peimei , and someproteinguy will fight a three way pistol dual over the location of the empty grave next to Bill Carson.

Bijou will accidentally post the first octupal-post when posting a recipe for apple strudel in the OOT forum.

Turin will find $4.36 cents, an old banana peel, 3 socks, a long missing remote control, and for some inexplicable reason, a waffle in the middle cushion of his old couch.

While strolling through a local park one fine Wednesday, Nobby will happen upon a duck. This duck is in fact the most evil duck in all existence, who has plotted our downfall for all time. Utter doom and ruination will however be averted when a nearby game of “duck duck goose” takes a tragic turn for the worse due to a misunderstanding of the rules and the fact that the game was being played by large soccer players. Anyways, long story short, eventually Nobby gets to eat a nice roast duck dinner which may or may not contain the essence of pure evil.

Dyadem will get stuck at an unusually long red light on Tuesday, August 27th. The cause of the long light will much later be discovered to be a misplaced waffle wedged in the circuit board of the light controller cabinet. The locked cabinet…

To her horror, Thumbelyna discovers that she is out of corn meal while attempting to make a scale model of the gobi desert. Vowing that this injustice shall never happen again, she creates an arch-criminal mastermind alternate persona to secure all the corn meal reserves on the planet. CornMealyna, the scourge of Iowa is born!

BonYogi and Technogeek will race eachother to the mythical West pole in the worlds most recent dirigible race!

While searching the cupboards for potato seasonings, BrownDuck will accidentally travel to a hidden world accessible by wooden household storage units but cannot be named directly for fear of copyright infringement lawsuits (yes, it’s New Jersey, but don’t tell anyone) and proceeds to take the place over. The Potato remains unseasoned for an entire season.

Omegavegeta and PigtailsOfDoom are hospitalized for a week after an epic staring contest gets a little too competitive. This is why you don’t bring super glue and machetes to a staring contest.

Totem will buy lederhosen and a silly hat. What, they can’t all be winners you know. Some of these predictions are probably actually really lame, but I don’t control the future, I just predict it!

Trickybeck decides to embark on a music recording career. A tricky music recording career.

Having located the lost city of El Dorodo behind a poorly placed Mexican billboard, Debalic decides to learn how to Knit goofy hats.

Almalieque will be violated by goats.

Nexa, having succeeded in her evil plan to lock the real Smasharoo away in the pocket alternate demensions of Xarabat IV, will replace him with a semi autonomous robot that occasionally flings pickles at people for no apparent reason, as part of a greater plot to learn the secrets of the 1st dimension!

Danalog will get well soon and get over that whole Pneumonia thing.

Kavekk decides to see exactly where the critical mass of wackyness really is, in his attempt to develop the ultimate weapon of mass humor destruction: the hilarity bomb. 42,000 monkeys, 18 tons of banannas and 3 trillion gallons of marshmallow cream later, he decides that was probably not one of his better ideas.

Nilatai will:

Run for congress on a "tax all the emu's" platform :

6 (35.3%)

Turn into a robot :

0 (0.0%)

Be eaten by robots :

10 (58.8%)

Other: please elaborate below in a post! :

1 (5.9%)

Total:

17

Not to be outdone by NASA, Uglysasquatch proceeds to launch an entire bushel of wheat into geosynchronous polar orbit. I don’t know why either…

Gbaji decides to write the longest forum post ever in the longest thread ever. Upon typing the last piece of punctuation, that particular section of the forum will reach an electronic density greater than that of a neutron star, will implode and turn into a black hole from which no text shall ever escape.

Fleven will do the impossible and learn the secret to waffle teleportation. He shall then use this newfound power to confound other people with amusing placement of waffles.

While initially reluctant, Olorinus eventually decides to become a cyborg when he accidentally swallows his computer during a particularly bad nightmare. We are hopeful he cleaned the dust filters first.

Guenny will be eaten by rabbits

As foretold by the pie sages of albaquirki (not to be confused with Albuquerque) Allegory will develop a new form of martial arts based on pasta wielding techniques and rapid eye blinks to confuse your opponent. It will be very popular in Italy.

Zymunn will patent a new game, where people have to do things, but only when the specified person says to do them. The new game “Bob says” will be an epic commercial failure, but on the bright side will destroy the economy of North Korea and Georgia (the state) so it has that going for it.

Darqflame will discover a method to produce unlimited supplies of aardvark hair from a small orange box. The Aardvaarkorangehairclonomattronicon will later go on to receive a prestigious design award AND a Nobel peace prize! Also, she’ll probably get a waffle thrown at her shin at some point for no apparent reason.

Against the odds, Elderon will figure out how to win at tiddlywinks and will begin a life of traveling professional tiddlywink gambling.

Kakar and cidbahamut will team up to revive vaudeville for a reality TV show. Hey, at least it isn’t Jersey Shore.

The world will look on in awe and terror as WDN discovers a way to turn Tofu into an elephant during a live television broadcast.

Upon further review, the grand dutchess Gradocicy will be inserted into this list as a made up person to see how many people actually read this whole list. Hah!

ElneClare and Jonwin decide to take over Boston and rename it “MegaUltraBostonofDoom!” Critics rave about the new city name, and refer to it as the best new city name since Vancouver!

Driftwood decides that he’s had it with all those woodchucks trying to figure out how much wood they could chuck, and goes on an anti-woodchuck rampage with a suit of power armor. The new nursery rhyme now goes “how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if it’s a pink stain on the floor”…

Bodhisattva will decide to invest in a yoghurt barrel processing plant, thus saving himself from investing in something entirely impractical, like an aardvark farm. This has the net effect of destroying the economy of Brazil.

DSD will perfect the fine art of nasal blast levitation and will float around doing neat stuff until a head cold prematurely ends her dreams of flight. That’s snot normal.

Tare decides to build a robot taredactyl, to the delight of 5 year old dinosaur enthusiasts everywhere

Allakhazam will visit and say hi maybe, unless he doesn’t!

Niobia Will invent the instant puppy cloner while attempting to invent the instant puppy cleaner. Though popular after the initial disastrous attempt to clean 50 puppies leads to a city wide dogfood shortage, the machine is later banned after the puppies figure out how to clone themselves and try to take over the world. Luckily, puppies are really bad at world dominion.

Anyone I forgot will win $3 from a $4 lottery ticket, and be kidnapped by Owls!

As for me? This year is THE year. You know the one… Ewww, no, not that one, what’s wrong with you??? Yeah, that other one…

2010 - Dyadem and fhrugby will open a high tech schooner construction company. We don’t know why either.

2013 - Dyadem will get stuck at an unusually long red light on Tuesday, August 27th. The cause of the long light will much later be discovered to be a misplaced waffle wedged in the circuit board of the light controller cabinet. The locked cabinet…

Upon further review, the grand dutchess Gradocicy will be inserted into this list as a made up person to see how many people actually read this whole list. Hah!

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Jophiel wrote:

Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.

Having located the lost city of El Dorodo behind a poorly placed Mexican billboard, Debalic decides to learn how to Knit goofy hats.

El Dorodo in Spanish means "city of tuques". Most people don't realize that Mexicans even know what tuques are, considering the climate.

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publiusvarus wrote:

we all know liberals are well adjusted american citizens who only want what's best for society. While conservatives are evil money grubbing scum who only want to sh*t on the little man and rob the world of its resources.

I'm working on it! Hopefully by the end of next year I'll be healthy again...

It's Weavebola. He caught it from the monkey hat.

____________________________

Jophiel wrote:

Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.

Poldaran will report so many spammers this year that the spam reports themselves will technically be classified as spam briefly, causing him to have to report himself, then report the reports on himself, causing an infinite loop and a brief period of lock up until he is software patched.

These Riot Key spammers are making it look like I'll hit that before tonight is out.

Poldaran will report so many spammers this year that the spam reports themselves will technically be classified as spam briefly, causing him to have to report himself, then report the reports on himself, causing an infinite loop and a brief period of lock up until he is software patched.

These Riot Key spammers are making it look like I'll hit that before tonight is out.

And here I thought I was the Spam-killer. Pol must frequent many more boards than I.

____________________________

Jophiel wrote:

Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.

My uncanny ability to flare my nostrils has been the downfall of better (wo)men than you.

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"The Rich are there to take all of the money & pay none of the taxes, the middle class is there to do all the work and pay all the taxes, and the poor are there to scare the crap out of the middle class." -George Carlin

ElneClare and Jonwin decide to take over Boston and rename it “MegaUltraBostonofDoom!” Critics rave about the new city name, and refer to it as the best new city name since Vancouver!

We have secret plans for MegaUltraBostonofDoom!, of which I can only say it involves a former Rouse Property and gem stones.

____________________________

In the place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair! -ElneClare

This Post is written in Elnese, If it was an actual Post, it would make sense.

The following people will be eaten by one or more Grues: fenderputy, Sarlos, Elinda and or kundalini

2007 wrote:

Elinda and Eminda will fight it out in an epic duel to the death to determine which of them has the best "E" name! Exodus and Elderon will of course register protest. the winner gets to rename Lichtenstein!

2008 wrote:

In a massive upset election, Elinda will win a surprising write in campaign to become prime minister of Norway. Her first act in office will be to declare endangered species animals entirely delicious!

2009 wrote:

In a last minute twist of fate, Elinda will be in position to catch the winning touchdown during the 2009 superbowl, but will decline due to not wanting to be tackled by large linebackers.

2010 wrote:

In a stunning coup, Elinda will develop a new form of shoe based on yak bladders. Nike will fall after sweeping sales figures lead to a total loss of business by them. This will lead them to recruit an elite mercenary band of guerrilla yaks to lead… the Yak Attack!

2011 wrote:

Elinda, after a strange industrial accident involving a generator and a ceramic leprechaun, will develop superpowers. The new superhero E-linda will have the ability to zip through the electrical system, fry rogue copy machines with a single glance, and the ability to recall e-mails sent in a drunken stupor before they reach their intended targets! Her Arch Nemesis, Ground Wire Dude is fairly ineffective, since hes always being grounded by his parents…

2012 wrote:

Elinda, secretly one in a series of alphabet prefixed clones, will disappear for a while and reappear as Flinda after a bet goes horribly awry.

2013 wrote:

While walking to the park on Thursday, June 13th at precisely 8:07 am pacific standard time, Elinda will trip over an exposed waffle vein, causing her to drop a package containing 200 giant rubber bouncy balls. The balls then proceed to bounce out of the package, and down the street, where they later collide with a package of antimatter bouncy balls, causing a massive explosion. All is not lost however, as the explosion is directed upwards by a conveniently placed titanium alloy funnel, and ends up inadvertently launching a taco stand to the moon. The stand soon receives awards for outstanding tacos.

I just wanted to separate out my predictions from the those of the rabble.

I've never been eaten by a grue but it's been years since fenderputy has been seen around these parts......

What? Being kidnapped by owls isn't a good enough fate? Hrmph. Ok then.

"After being rejected from the human trials portion of the LHC partical accelleration program for being too quarky, Lolgaxe lepton another oppertunity to travel the world as an overseas nontraditional nose sausage salesmen (which obviously sells sausages made entirely from the nasal remnants of various animals and obscure vegitables) 9 months, 480,000 air miles, 3 arrest warrants and 2 really bad fish tacos later, he ends his career as an ONNSS to try a much safer vocation, in this case live cobra juggling.