Hello. I am a male survivor from csa. It has been about twenty years since my five year abuse cycle occurred. It started when I was about 8 or 9 in the Boy Scouts. My victimizer was not the scout leader but he was one of the assistants. He was about 20 or 21, an Eagle Scout, and had a very captivating personality. He knew everything about everything and I admired him and I was always looking for his approval. Looking back, I must have seemed like the perfect target. Anyways. We became close quickly and he started to drive me to and from the meetings (my parents liked and trusted him). Son though he started to convince me that the scout master didn't know what he was doing and that we should go on our own camp outs. So that is exactly what we did.

I don't know how many we went on but it was a lot. Soon after we started these camp outs I awakened to him playing with my privates. He quickly pulled away but then started to talk to me about if I liked it or had ever done anything with anybody. Then he started playing again while telling me how god I was and cute I was and how much he loved me.

After that night I have a hard time remembering how the rest of it happened or even what was said. All I know is that I remember time after time I was laying face down in the tent while he took me from behind. Looking back it seems that that is all I can really remember about all of our camping trips for those five years. Sometimes I get flashes of hikes and camp fires but mainly it is just his weight on my back and his breath in my ear as he confessed his love for me. I don't even really remember any discomfort from the penetration.

Finally, one day we were at his apartment. He was telling me how much he loved me and that he knew other men that would love me too and would even pay money to spend time with me. I think that that was when the spell was broken. He didn't love me he just wanted to have sex with me. Then he was on top of me again but it was different. He was being very rough and I was divers t in that I felt betrayed. It hurt so bad that time and it as the last time I saw him after he dropped me off at my house. We talked on the phone a few times after but that was the end. I never told anyone until my senior year in high schol when I told my high school sweetheart about my one gay experience. It was she that told me that I was a victim of child abuse. I never realized what was going on even after it stopped. I never knew that I was being manipulated and abused and used. It was a huge eye opener for me. Ever since then I have struggled with relationships, sexuality and trust in general. I almost never feel comfortable but I have Been trying to heal.

I have a wife and four kids and for them I have to work on this. I also have to work on it for me. But I don't want to cripple my children's growth and happiness with my overbearing protectiveness and constant fear. That is why I joined this website. I pray it helps me to heal.

That must have been a really tough story to write. Glad you posted it.

"I never knew that I was being manipulated and abused and used." That's it in a nutshell! I don't think I'd even call that a "gay" experience considering the age difference, the one-sided nature of the abuse, and the amount of grooming he did before and during to make you compliant. What's more, you were nowhere near the age you would have had to be to render anything even remotely resembling consent.

Somehow, I think it's even worse when your abuser is someone you trust and look up to. (That was the case with me.) If it's a total stranger, that certainly doesn't mean it was any less traumatic but at the same time, the betrayal on top of the abuse adds another level of hurt.

Again, glad you posted. If you've checked out some of the postings on the site, you've seen how in a lot of ways, we're really all in the same boat. Take care.

Thank you for your greetings and words of encouragement. I do live in Virginia but my abuse occurred in Texas. I have looked around the website and it is amazing to me that I have read so many posts that I can relate too. It's like I wrote them myself but I did not. They were by other men from all over. I have read a lot of posters use the term "brother" when talking to each other. It is such a blessing to have found a forum in which I can feel safe to reveal myself knowing that there are kindred spirits here to help. Thanks again.

I'm glad you found MS. As I tell everyone else, share as much or as little as you are comfortable with-though you have shared quite a bit here already.

That's fine too.

Your story is heart-wrenching and sadly very familiar to me--and no doubt many others. It took me years to truly confront what happened to me at summer camp when I was 13. Peeling back the layers of shame, guilt, and anger is tedious but well-worth the effort I have put into it. I hope you find hope and healing here.

Will

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I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made. --FDR

What a heartbreaking story, Draco. He did betray you. He was fully capable of being a REAL friend to you, but chose to be a manipulative and greedy pervert instead. I am glad to see that you are facing these issues at last, head-on, and seemingly clear of mind and purpose.

I am also proud of you when, still as a lie-poisoned teenager, you broke things off when you did. That mention of "other men" - he had even worse in mind for you.

Healing is possible and I urge you to cling fast to every resource at your disposal, including the community here. Welcome.

I have a wife and four kids and for them I have to work on this. I also have to work on it for me. But I don't want to cripple my children's growth and happiness with my overbearing protectiveness and constant fear. That is why I joined this website. I pray it helps me to heal.

Hey Draco,

You are making a great start, and for all the right reasons. This isn't easy stuff to process, but having a community of guys who "get it" can be a huge help. Are you in therapy? If not, consider it. There are some good trauma specialists out there who know what to do with guys like us.

Keep up the good work.

Jude

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I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

What a heartbreaking story, Draco. He did betray you. He was fully capable of being a REAL friend to you, but chose to be a manipulative and greedy pervert instead. Matt

thank you for saying that, SoccerStar, i really needed to hear it. your stark statement of objective reality gives underlying substance to the subjective emotion evoked and experienced as a direct result. it allows me to reflect on my own reaction rationally. without confusion or embarrassment. now it makes sense.

i don't "feel" betrayed. i WAS betrayed! total validation. complete vindication.

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