lördag 20 augusti 2016

Background and disclaimer:
This is a translation and repost of "Får min karaktär chans på din karaktär?" Om sexuella relationer på lajv." The original post was written i Marsh 2015. I have a background in mainly Swedish larping and have mostly been to Vampire, Low and high Fantasy and post apocalyptic games. I have been to some Nordic Larps and participated in both the swedish larp con Prolog and Knutpunkt. I larp mainly at games where, if you want to have an in game relationship you have to go and get your coplayer on your own, where most larp organizers will find it an odd question to help out with. I also find that the swedish tradition is pretty "What you see is what you get" compared to some other larp traditions.

Do you want to date my character? About sexual in game relationships at larps.

Sometimes when I am building my character for a game I'm going to, I start thinking about my characters intimate relationships and what they look like. That it would be nice if there was another character present at the game that meant something extra to my character. Someone my character had a relationship with. A sexual relationship.

What are the pros with playing a character who has a in game sex partner present at the larp?

Sexuality is a large part of the life of many humans identites and lives, and to include sexuality into the character can make it into a more complete character.

Having the in game sex partner present can give the character more reasons for performing different actions.

A sexual relationship is a kind of relationship and I think relationships add a lot to your larp.

Things can become complicated in interesting ways if other characters meddle with the relationship.

A positive sexual relationship can give many opportunities at positive experiences, which might contrast nicely to the rest of the larp.

Equally a negative sexual relationship can give many opportunities at negative experiences, which might contrast nicely to the rest of the larp.

It gives many chances for the character to experience strong emotions.

Love triangles can be fun.

Sometimes who you are having sex with goes again the moral grain of the character or causes moral outrage in their social arena and that can give a nice dramatic curve.

But I still need to get at least one player who would want to play such a relationship. Most larp that allows characters to have in game sex uses different representational techniques to symbolize that characters are performing a sexual act during the larp. Or you go out of game together and talk about what you did in game while they where away from the others. I can tell you more about these techniques in another post. So, it's not like your are asking someone to engage in real sexual acts with you and it shouldn't feel awkward to ask?

But it does feel akward.

I've talked to a lot of larpers about this, both face to face, on the phone and in several facebook groups. A problem that came to light was that several men who wanted to do "the right thing" said they rather not ask women if their characters could have a sexual relationship. Some men said it was because they did not want to be seen as creeps/creepers and some men where worried about making the woman they asked uncomfortable. Some men said they were just shy or that they feared getting a no.

To me, gender matters as well. I have no problem at all with asking women, both women I know really well, and women I'm just acquainted with but that I thought about wanting to larp more with in the future. It usually runs very smoothly once we get to the larp and are trying the sexual relationship out. One man I talked to said he felt them same when he asked other men, and that he worried less when asking men.

To me it's always a little tricky to ask men. I'm almost always the one to ask and extremely rarely get asked. I can only have theories about what that is about. It can because I'm assertive and not very shy about a lot of subjects that other people find difficult to talk about. But I also belive that there are larping men that think I would be offended by the question because I'm a feminist. I would not, and honestly I would probably be flattered as long as I get to feel it is fine to turn the man down based on my own preferences and my thoughts about my own character. There are people I really don't want asking me, but most of those people know who they are. And if I've been in a fight or disagreement with someone doesn't have to be an end all. To play a positive relationship with each other, or play people who would do anything for each other can have an incredibly healing effect that can bleed over into your real life.

During these talks what crystalized was that is that you can ask/need to ask before the larp but that the situation can need to be adressed during a game where something changes or where a new relationship starts. Check in to find out what kind of relationship the players want to play now. Several told me that it had been a grand revelation to them the day they realized it was ok to go out of game for shorter or longer meeting about what they wanted and what their coplayer wanted. Other just wanted to play prepared and rehearsed sexual relationship where consent was already established because they found it really hard to get back to immersion after being interrupted. Instead they chose a safer router of not having that kind of in game relationships or kept all in game interaction very platonic.

Several people told me that it was very important to them to know what the other larper was thinking and feeling about the relationship, both the one who asked and the one who got asked. They wanted to avoid hidden intentions. I myself has an ethic that is more conserned with consequenses and less with intent. I don't care or judge so much based on hidden inten. I'm ok as long as the other person is happy and treats me right out of game, no matter why they are happy or treats me right.

After you asked another larper the question about having an in game sexual relationship and you found someone who said yes, it's really important to talk consent, wants and needs. You can approach this in a number of different ways.

You can start with yourself, modeling what kind of subjects can be discussed: "I would like if you hugged me and stroked my back." I'm saying "me" and "my" here, because even if you play a character, that is your body.

You can start with asking the other person what they are comfortable with: "Are kisses on the lips ok, if there is no tongue?"

You can start with asking what hard limits the other person har: "is there anything I absolutely can't do with you?"

You can start with what you're not comfortable with: "Never touch my neck, it's very sensitive."

Several women and men I spoke to declined having in game sexual relationships. Why? Well they had different reasons.

As I wrote above, some men answered they were afraid to be seen as creeps.

It is a difficult question to get a no on.

Not interested, as in "I'm not interested in that kind of relationships when I larp"

They had real life partner who was not comfortable with them larping that kind of relationship and they chose to honor that wish.

Both men and women where afraid that if they asked the question they would be misunderstood.

It was mostly women who were afraid that there would be rumours started that they were having out of game sex with their in game partner or that they wanted to have out of game sex.

Both women and men who only wanted to ask larpers that they had chemistry with battled with themselves if it was ok that they were feeling this way. They felt they were discriminating other larpers.

Some had never met a larper they wanted to larp having a sexual relationship with.

Anyway, this is an existing topic that we will probably return to in the future. I would love if both men, women and non binary people start thinking about if in game sexual relationships is something that they would like to play, and how they would get around to finding coplayers in the future. How they talk consent and what they really want to get out of the relationship. But if you want this type of play, please work on asking in a way that makes the other person comfortable with both saying yes and saying no. I felt it was sad that so many men that said they would like this kind of play felt it was so scary to ask that they didn't. If you ask in a nice and respectful way, you are not oppressing anyone.

But if you are very much older, maybe you shouldn't ask a much much younger larper, and this goes a lot for older men, due to us living in a patriarchy.

fredag 19 augusti 2016

Background
In my experience a lot of people who write about larp approach it in an intellectual way, while people who are more interested in the physicality and/or sensuality of larp instead organize work shops where they instead show other larpers what they mean. I enjoy doing both, an also I reach different people in organizing work shops and writing in the blog. I have also spent a lot of time since the summer of 2014 to battle sexual harassment and rape cases on a policy level and to support victims on a community and on a personal level. That has taken a toll and I would like to explore and celebrate the more positive sides of larp as well. Less focus on what we don't want and more focus and what we do want.

My name is Karin and I have organized sensual workshops both about the positive end of the spectrum with Asmr for larp, the negative end with my Torture Workshop and the more neutral workshop about using Tactile Touch in larp. Tactile touch is when information is transmitted by touching some thing or person or being touched by a thing or person. Tactile massage is a Swedish massage form that is very light and soothing.

As you might realize I'm a sensual larper. You might not think so if you have met me as a sniper staking out a small village, covered in mud, reporting in after my four hour shared shift with my team mate. But what is a sensual experience? The night chill, the straining of the eye to see movement down in the village and the feeling of cold mud against my skin that dries and cracks is also a sensual.

Disclaimer

This blog post can apply to other genders but I myself am woman and I also enjoy writing about and for women. The blog post does not apply to all women. If you are not a woman and still identify with what I write, I think that is great.
I come from a Swedish larp tradition where we mainly write our own characters and decide our own relationships. The few larps with prewritten and casted characters I have been to have been so called Nordic Larps such as Just a Little Lovin' (2011) and Coven (2014).

The validity of enjoying yourself
We all have our own reasons for enjoying larp. Some of these reasons that have to do with how our bodies relate to interaction with others seems to be taboo to talk about, or if you talk about them you are not supposed to do so in a public or semi public space. Sexuality, sensuality and even the physicality of larp seems to be some of these taboos to some people.

I am interested in sensuality at larps. I think there are valid and useful things about sensual larping, sexually charged larping, erotically charged larping and romantically charged larping. I think that there is no shame in also experiencing an echo of what you are playing in your own body. Some some like to play sexual characters and map that characters sexuality away from their own, some map it after their own sexuality. Most Swedish larpers I have talked to about this subject never even thought about having a character with another sexuality than their own before I asked. And all of this is ok and valid.

To me the whole selling point of larping is the physicality of the experience. There are other ways to role play that are less physical than larp. Certainly there is still a sliding scale of how physical different larps are, and the same goes for sensual romantic play. It can be as unphysical as letter writing and long bouts of eye contact that still leaves you tingly all over. Or it can be as physical as real making out, tongue and all. And it is not unheard of that larpers then moved into the realm of real sex and even having long committed relationships after meeting at a larp. And as long as this happens with enthusiastic consent I am fine with it. We only have one life and we deserve to enjoy it.

Now I would like to say something about how women are more often than not raised to put the needs and wishes of others before their own needs and wishes. We are taught that to indulge in what makes us happy and tingly all over should come with a tint of shame. This manifests in many ways and when it comes to physicality it also comes with how the female body is critiqued and must be constrained, covered and controlled. Women are held to higher moral standard than men and their behavior and words are very closely monitored.

Another thing I have realized is that a lot of men, and some others as well, confuse experiencing sensuality and romantic or sexual tension with another larper has to do if that larper is conventionally good looking or even exeptionally good looking, I have found that this is often not the case. It can be easier if the other persons looks are acceptable to you but to me and many women I have talked to it has more to do with how you play the character, smell, eye contact, how the physical interaction is working out, how the larpers do their characters body language. To me it can be a certain swagger to the shoulders, a way to clench a jaw line, an arm around my waist, calling me an in game pet name.

And I want to say:

You deserve to have more than an ok larp when you spend time, work and money on larping. I think it is ok to leave gameplay that is not enjoyable for you, steering away from it. If you choose to off game with the people it is not working out for and you find another way that is more enjoyable to you, that's great but I know it is not possible for all larps. It's ok to choose to steer towards the kind of things you like. It is ok to put yourself first.
It is ok to state your wishes and preferences clearly, because how would you otherwise attain them. If you can accept a no you don't need to apologize for your desires.
It is ok to want to touch other larpers and to do so according to consent and it's ok to want to be touched and experience that. You play at being a goddess, a concubine, a lover, a fearless warrior queen and you can find and deserve to find coplayers who will move with you to attain that which you truly enjoy. And I know we can both have that play with each other and we can help members of all genders to both explore their own desire and acquire the skill to play these kind of relationships at a desired physical level at larps that allow it. I know I enjoy the prolonged,
For a woman in a patriachy it can be a very liberating thing to ask for one what one wants and then greatly enjoy herself, and I as a feminist celebrate that.

Further subjects for the future

About larp attraction and how it correlates with beauty norms.

Prolonged romantic tension and bleedhunt.

Bleed during the game as a desired state.

Norms about hooking up with coplayers.

"It's even more intense because we know its not real"

Getting to experience deep emotions without having to be responsible.

Sexually charged larping and feminism

"Romantic play as a gendered phenomenon"

Have a finnish person guest post about norms about romantic play as pre-written characters in Finland.

tisdag 16 augusti 2016

I wrote an earlier blog post about how larps are too short to larp with unattractive guys. Afterwards I asked the Swedish Larp Women Unite Group on facebook about what they think makes a male larper more attractive to play romantically with. This blogpost is a follow up on that post.

What do I mean with romantic or intimate play?

Romantic or intimate play does not have to has as its main goal that the characters will end up happy, or even together. It is a type of play that can be used to tell any story but due to what it entails more often than not needs more communication between the players before the larp game.
Part of this is because it more often than not means you will be touching each other in ways that demand a little bit of trust. Even touch that would otherwise be innocent can be very loaded in a romantic or erotic setting. Themes that have to do with intimate relationships, sex and romance are given a lot of weight in current literature, music, movies and other art and there is no reason it shouldn't also be present in larp.

Remember, the following hints I have gathered from different people who belong to the Swedish Larp Women Unite, and this can mean that they can contradict, be very specific or be repeated. The hints are not primarily from me, but gathered from a Facebook group.
You can't change yourself to fulfill all of these demands, but even those you can't fulfill can give valuable clues about what other people think about or are looking for.

I will be dividing the answers into categories.

Hygien

Have a pleasent smell. The absense of bad smells and odors. What is a bad odor is very individual, but basically: wash yourself and brush your teeth.

Body odour. Everyone has a different one, and if your body odor is compatible with what the other person enjoys, that makes things easier.

Brush your teeth, don't smell of sweat.

Eliminate a bad breath.

Smell nice/ be clean.

I don't mind sweat unless it's very old or the person is sick.

Dirt is fine, but wash your hands.

Looks

Have a nice haircut.

I like tattoos and piercings.

Brown, emotional eyes.

Don't be more than 5-10 years younger than me.

Negotiating

Take the initiative and talk about limits.

Think through and formulate your own limits.

Off course, stay within the limits we agreed upon.

Don't say "I don't have any limits" or "I'm up for anything with you." I don't believe you and I will be careful with your body and your ego.

Do a lot of check ins during game.

Take the initiative and ask for the characters to have a relationship, but offer me an easy way to say no in case I don't take you up on the offer.

Be ready to negotiate and talk through limits.

I like if we have an idea about what the relationship will lead to in game for both of us. I want a goal with the relationship at the larp, whether it's romantic or not.

Is it a safe haven to retreat to after the adventures of the day.

Will it end in tears and misery?

Will it start out carefully and end on a happy note, offer something exiting but still feel cosy?

Will it tie two groups who otherwise would not see eye to eye closer toghether?

Is it just to cover up our evil plans!?

Out of game interaction.

Say no if what is suggested does not suit you. This makes it possible for the other player to find someone else or suggest something else.

Say no if you do not want to do what is suggested with the person who suggests it. This makes it possible for the other player to find someone else or suggest something else.

Be a reasonable person: Be or give the appearance of being on the same ethical page as the other player. Have the tools to talk about limits, consent, the setting the larp is in and how you want the game to play out.

Be calm or project calmness when speaking about the setting of the game even if you do not agree.

Project confidence and that you are a good listener.

Before the larp - show that you want to play out the relationship. Be involved in suggesting how the relationship was before the game started and describe how you would like it to play out during the game. Show enthusiasm in front of your game partner even if in game you will play estranged and possibly murderous.

Help out by being creative in coming up with scenes that relate to the relationship. It is scary to play a romantic relationship, and it can become really scary if the person who promised to play that they were in love with your character doesn't even say hello before the game.

Don't be a sleaze.

Don't talk shit about women, we can hear you.

Act mature, be calm and secure.

Listen.

Don't assume a suggestion for romantic or intimate relationships between chacters means anything in the real world. But don't assume it doesn't either. Make a risk/reward - call. No shame.

Style of play/ larp-style

Show me you are willing to co create our larp experience with me.

Show me you see me. Realize even the smallest gesture can give as much emotion as something more grand.

Talk to my character in game and not just about my character.

Involve me in the creation of storylines, don't just deliver them as the finished product at expect me to enjoy them.

Allow us to have a, eye for detail. Barely touching hands can feel like an electrical jolt if done right.

Be prepared to at least take half of the initiative both in and out of game. It is possible to be adversaries in game and still invite the other person to larp with you as long as you keep it active. It is passive play that is so hard to keep up with.

Be active in playing out the relationship during the larp. Keep an eye out for your in game partner if you are near each other. Check in with them out of game if needed if you need to know more about ideeas or wishes. If your partner seems unresponsive or tense, find out why.

Roleplay in a convincing way.

Be perceptive of how the game is going and try to be objectively analytical. Ask yourself "is this working out?"

If you can, check in to see if both of you are having fun and feel the relationship is adding to the larp experience.

Don't be afraid of taking people you are playing a relationship with to the side and ask how's it going. Accept if it's not working out and help them end your relationship a in game way that works out for all of you.

When it comes to show physical affection, do it clearly and directly. Don't cop a feel on someones bum or start making out without warning. Instead you can stroke a piece of hair behind the ear and look the coplayer in the eye.

NEVER improvise anything about pregnancy/abortion/dead infants without clear consent!

When choosing what compliments to use, primarily compliment in game and not out of game characteristics.

I we negotiated consent and limits before the game, I prefer if you don't check in very often during the game. I don't want my game to be disturbed if not needed. I promise to tell you if anything changes if you promise to tell me the same.

I don't like compliments out of game, but at larps I don't mind being complimented for my out of game appearance.

Other

Dancing. Its good no matter what dance you know, and you don't need to know it better than you are able to dance without harming your partner.

If you can express emotion through dance that is extremely attractive. Dancing complements larping beautifully.

Well made gear. Having good looking and realistic gear.

Bring an extra blanket.

Bring chocolate.

Write me letters before the game - I'm delighted if you show this intiative and show that you want to build up a back story to the relationship.

If fitting the scenario, ask for a photo of me to carry around in game.

söndag 14 augusti 2016

This post mostly focuses on larp participants but can be of interest to organizers as well.

What is a Trigger? Usually, what we mean with a trigger is something that for a PTSD sufferer sets off a flashback of their trauma. These days we also often mean it is something that sets of a phobic reaction for a phobia sufferer or a panic attack for a person who sufferers from anxiety.

When talking about triggers one can also mean allergies, although that is less common, migraines or epileptic seizures. I will however not focus on these in this blog post but more on the acute physiological reactions and how to handle them.

Having triggers does not mean you can't go to possibly triggering games. Most of the times that is up to you and what you know about your current mental health. Here are some tools to help you gauge under what conditions you can participate.

Innehållsförteckning (list of ingredients)
Usually you don't know all your triggers, but you might know what has triggered you in the past. It can be easier to handle your mental health if the larp has some kind of easily available summary of what themes are present at the larp. Going through the summary you can gauge how likely it is you will be triggered at the larp. This can be called the following:

Trigger warnings

Content warnings

My suggestion is the swedish "Innehållsförteckningar" which translates into:

List of ingredients or

Table of content.

In my experience the most common triggering themes are sexual harassment, rape, incest and domestic abuse. If many of the larpers have war time experience, unexpected sounds that imitate shots, visceral depictions of wound, war time torture and so on are also common triggers.

So you might have known and unknown triggers

Opt in and opt out of triggering play.
Some games who are aware that their themes are triggering for a lot of players have either stated opt in mechanics or opt out mechanics. Opt in means that if you want certain play, the player has to actively ask in some way to be included in that. For example, only marked players are up for being kidnapped by the special forces and having a bag put over their head. In an opt out mechanic, instead it is assumed everyone at the game want the stated game and if you do not you instead have to state that.

Also! If you suffer from PTSD or Anxiety attacks it is double important to really rehearse using the safety words and insisting on everyone knowing them. If you become triggered it can be really hard to remember you are safe and can break the scene at any time.

Self Care always comes first

Elin Dalstål has written an article focusing specifically on this subject and I will probably link it when I come around to it.
You can lessen the chance of being triggered by coming prepared. Eat enough, drink enough, and sleep enough. Most PTSD or Anxiety sufferers feel it helps if they utilize the buddy system and have a friend who will leave everything to take care of them.
Leave any scene that you feel is becoming too much for you. There is no shame in seeing to your own basic needs, no matter if others are not. Larping is not a race.

Triggered!
What to do if you are triggered in a really bad way, that flashback starts playing or your fight of flight reflexes go haywire?

What I do is:

I immediately leave the scene if possible. I'm most comfortable not calling attention to myself.

If I can't leave I try to alert the attention of the other players that I am distress. Sometimes this means using safety words that break the scene.

Find a secluded spot, not to far away from the others, where I feel safer.

Do a calming exercise, such as a breathing exercise.

If anyone come to check on me I ask for my "buddy" or if the game has a safety host I ask for them. I am not comfortable talking to anyone, or the busy main organizer. But I can't always talk when I'm triggered.

If anyone want to be nice to me I instead ask for a hot beverage or a blanket.

What you can try to do for a triggered larper if you want to.

If they run, let them run, but remember what way they went.

If you are their buddy, calmly walk after them.

Accept if they can't talk immediately.

If they are hyperventilating, help them steady their breath.

The best thing is if someone can stay in their vicinity while someone else gets a blanket and something to drink.

Some are very embarrassed from being triggered and might not want to talk about it afterwards.

Don't make a big deal about it.

Ask them when everything has calmed down if they need help getting back into the game or if they want to go to their bed and take a nap.

And, I can't believe I have to write this but never have sex with a larper who you helped get through being triggered immediately after you helped them. They are in a vulnerable position.

fredag 12 augusti 2016

I can't handle critique when I'm not paid to handle the critique or am in school intent on learning something.

I've helped in organizing Berättelsefrämjandet larps Landsväg in 2014 and Hinterland in 2015. I've volunteered to do character coaching in other games. I organized two small fantasy games in 2005 and 2006. But the fantasy games were made in a tradition and at a time where the main part of the feedback an organizer got was positive and bubbly.We also did not have social media in the way the we do today, so actually giving the organizer feedback and critique had to be done in an more active and directed way. You knew that if you wrote it, it would be meant for the organizers eyes. With social media you can be talking with your friends about what you were doing this weekend and then Facebook makes it possible for the organizer to stumble over that conversation.

Nordic Larp is a movement that in part moves towards larp as art, and art can be critiqued. And as I said before I can't handle critique. So while I do want to do my larp Witches of Ästad Farm in November I still don't have much of a plan for what I will do with the feedback afterwards.I'm pretty sure that some will adore the game, while others will be disappointed. And I fear my reaction to that. I don't want to go "I'll never organize again and I hate all larpers". I'm prone to hyperbole when I am upset.

I think the thing is this:

I don't mind critique of my larps being out there. It is very important that other people get to express themselves, and talking about your experiences is part of self expression.

I don't mind others asking respectfully for what they want or need before or during a game. As long as they can divide between need and want and is ok with me saying no to a want and being truthful about not being able to fulfil a need.

What I do mind is that when critique is delivered directly to me I feel like there is a strong demand from me to respond and to respond in a certain way. To fix the perceived problem. And I have trouble with that because I am to damn truthful and I really struggle with that. I need to repeat to myself that it's fine to say.

"I hear what you are saying and recognize this was a problem for you."

Instead I blurt out "I can't really do anything about that, because the game is over." or "It was clearly stated in the list of content for the larp that this could happen, did you not read the content list?"

I'm thinking to myself that there also is a formula most organizers of Nordic larps use in which they say to their participants that they are very open to critique and that participants can contact them at any time. That they can inform the organizing team if there is anything they need to participate in the game. And after games there more often than not are organized feed back forms that they send out and encourage participants to fill in, saying they need the feed back to get better.But I don't get better when I get a lot of feedback at once or feel critiqued from several people. I respond better to being mentored by people I have developed a personal relationship with and who I trust. I'll write about "Karins octagonal feedback model" some other time.

Final thoughtsI'm thinking that I wouldn't want to impose "The week of stories" as I have understood the concept. I understood it as asking participants to only talk about the good things with the game the week following the game and leave critiques for the time after that week.I don't think I as an organizer of a larp game can ask of my players to do anything special once they have left the venue. Their social media interaction belongs to them and if they are disappointed in the game they have a right to express that to their friends, which today is often done in social media. It is also in the hearts and minds of the larpers that the game will live on and what they don't talk about or write about they most often do not remember.

So I'll probably get off social media in the weeks (2-3 weeks) following the game. Or at least get off Facebook. Or have a designated hour of day when I log on, check it out and then log off.I have my co-organizer who can do the administration and moderation on Facebook where such is needed. I'll take care of my needs to withdraw a little when a project is done and I am in an emotionally vulnerable spot.

If we make a feedback form I will be careful with what kind of feedback I'll ask for, and only ask about things I feel I'll know what to do with. And I will probably have my coorganizer go through the answers before I do. And then the same as with social media, I go through them after 2-3 weeks.

I'll give myself some "weeks of no stories" to create a distance between myself and my creation.