The following is to the tune of “I Wanna Be A Supermodel.” It’s a disturbing and unhealthy song. So it makes sense that the parody is equally misguided. Seriously, if this is your life’s ambition, think again!

I don’t care what saner people say
I’m gonna be a Hellsing minion
And everyone is gonna kill like me
Wait and see
When I’m a Hellsing minion

And my gun will shine like the sea
And everyone will wanna kill just like me

‘Cause I’m smart and I’m fast
And I’m a real good shot
I’m gonna be a Hellsing minion

I wish that I was like Lord Alucard
With a gun like his and a boss like this
And I would show them how, how it was done
And that’d be fun, oh, that’d be fun

And I would sing my song out loud
On “Why I love my guns; why I love to kill”
And oh! the Harkonnen
It’s the coolest gun that you’ve ever seen

‘Cause I’m smart and I’m fast
And I’m a real good shot
I’m gonna be a Hellsing minion

I got to shoot yesterday
And I’m going to shoot today
And I’m going to shoot tomorrow
‘Cause I’m going to be a Hellsing minion!

‘Cause I’m smart and I’m fast
And I’m a real good shot
I’m gonna be a Hellsing minion