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We Need a Break

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

What do you call an elephant at the North Pole? Lost.

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed? When your nose touches the ceiling.

What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck.

Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chicken wanted a day off.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, can he get a free beer? The bartender says all right. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley. Well, a man at the end of the bar says, “That’s amazing; I’ll give you $1,000 for the frogs.” The man agrees, and the guy takes off. The bartender says to him, “You could have gotten more for the frogs.” The man says, “Frogs are easy to come by; hamster’s a ventriloquist.”