(At the dive shop I work at, we do all sorts of courses, but mostly learn-to-dive courses called ‘open water course.’ Just before closing, a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Hi, I did this course with you… um… learning… an open course?”

Me: “Oh, you mean the beginners course?”

Customer: “I don’t know/ It was the… the… open course or something like that.”

Me: “Was it the ‘learn to dive’ course? The first dive course you have done?”

Customer: “No! Maybe… I’m not sure.”

Me: “Yeah, if it was the beginner’s course, then it is called the ‘open water course.'”

Customer: “That’s the one! So, I did that with you guys. You gave me a DVD and said when I bring it back you give me $50.”

(I had never heard of such a thing, but I haven’t been working there for more than a couple of months so I ask my coworker about it.)

Coworker: “Nah, mate, we don’t give out DVDs. It’s all online. Maybe you did the course with someone else?”

Customer: “No, I did it here! You said you give me $50! I have the DVD. You know, it is a CD but with videos on it!”

Coworker: “I know what a DVD is, but we still don’t do that trade-in you are talking about.”

Manager:*poking head around corner* “When did you do your course?”

Customer: “About… three, four years ago?”

Manager: “Hm. So, about five years ago we gave out DVDs for customers to watch before their course rather than watching the videos here. They had to pay $40 deposit which they got back when they returned the DVD.”

Customer: “Yes, that was it! I found the DVD now. Can I give it back and you give me $50?”

Manager: “No. First of all you would’ve only paid $40 deposit, and we haven’t use the DVDs for at least four years.”

Customer: “But… I found it again! Can I bring it in and I get money back?”

Manager: “No! They are useless to us now and you are about five years late in returning it!”

(I work in a fairly busy dive shop that sells a large range of snorkeling equipment as well. A couple comes in. She is about 6’0” tall, in a short and incredibly tight turquoise dress that doesn’t flatter her figure at all, wearing a turquoise necklace and very heavy turquoise make up. He is about 5’5″, bald, and very shy.)

Woman: “Hi. I am looking for a snorkel set, but it HAS to be turquoise. It is my FAVOURITE colour!”

Me: “Of course, not a problem. If you just turn around you’ll see our snorkel sets on the wall.”

(I proceed to talk them through the different options, but she is very focused on the only turquoise one, which barely fits her.)

Woman: “Ooooh, [Man], do you think I look pretty in this?! Of course you do. Should I kiss you now or in the car?”

(At that, she throws herself at him, making them both fight for balance. His face gets deep red and he mumbles something incomprehensible, all the while she is basically licking his face. I decide to go back to the counter and give them some privacy.)

Woman: *coming up to the counter* “Hooo-hooo! We are taking this set! It is so beautiful and my sexy stud here is buying it for me. Isn’t he CUTE!?”

(I start ringing it up.)

Woman: “Oh, is that a Scorpio necklace? Are you a Scorpio?”

Me: “No, my boyfriend is. It is his necklace, but I like wearing it.”

Woman:*pointing at the man* “Ooh, he is a Scorpio, too!” *leaning towards me* “Does your boyfriend have the same… STING in his, ahem, TAIL, as he does?” *giggles*

(I am speechless, and the man looks like he wants to die.)

Woman:*nudging the man* “Don’t deny it. You are such a wild one between the sheets!”

(The man pays, grabs the set, sort of nods at me without making eye contact, and leaves.)