Saturday, November 22, 2008

10 dpo

It's 6:22am, I've been up now for 25 min. I woke up this morning thinking "maybe it will be positive". Who did I think I was? Seriously. No, not me. Of course, it wouldn't happen, things like this just don't happen to me.

Warning: SELF PITY PARTY IN PROGRESS

I tested with first morning urine and of course, it was a BFN.

My flicker of light has just been turned off.

We don't have the money for another cycle, we don't have insurance coverage, I'm turning 36 years old next month. It sucks.

And tomorrow is Ethan's 6 month anniversary. 6 months that my precious baby was born still. We were so close. I could almost feel him, I thought we were in the home stretch. Fool. I'm such a fool. I wish I could go back to that day, if nothing else, to have him in my arms. My arms ache for him. I want to feel him, I want to cry my eyes out without stupid people telling me "he's in a better place". I want to hold him all day.

I miss you Ethan. I love you so much. You will forever be in my heart.

I did get one of my BFPs at 10dpo, but it was so light. I had to convince my DH it was there by getting a blood test! So, all hope is not lost yet. Give it a few more days. I know how much that single line sucks, so I'm so sorry. Hope, hope, hope...

I fear that you never meant for me to find this blog, but we seem to have some mutual friends in common. Please know that I think of you and your family often, and still pray for you all regularly.

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. On top of everything this TTC rollercoaster seems even more cruel. I know. I meant what I said...anytime you need or want to talk, I'm here. Sending hugs and peace your way...