Most believe every pregnancy ends in a baby, but for me that was not the case. I was 17, a senior in high school, and three months before my 18th birthday when I made the decision to have unprotected sex with a co-worker. His name is Dustin, and was everything I wanted in a guy, plus was from my home state of Texas (at the time I was residing in Montana with my step-dad and mom).

The date of my period came and went. I had never thought that I could be pregnant because I never had a normal cycle. So, finally the day came that my mom joined me in the backyard for a cigarette, looked me dead in the eyes and told me she wanted me to take a pregnancy test. I said ok, with no worry that I could be. (Of course, every girl thinks that first hand once she’s missed her period a few weeks, but mine had been two months late, I was a smoker and drinker so I didn’t know what to think). So, I took the test and there they were, those dreaded lines no 17-year old wants to see. Through the course of the next three days I took one each day, and yup, still pregnant. My mom called and made my appointment for December 15th.

My senior prom was that weekend, so my grandma flew up from Texas to buy my dress. That day, it was a Friday, I had started to bleed at school. I asked friends and my mom and they told me not to worry, probably a UTI (being my first pregnancy, I didn’t worry and took the advice of those before me). So, I went on with the prom plan as normal. Then Monday, December 6, 2010 came. I’m sitting in my first period class waiting for the bell to ring, and I just don’t feel right, so I went to the restroom. Sitting on the potty I felt something come out that is not supposed to come out when pregnant, and in the toilet was a golf ball-sized ball of blood (later I’d find out that it was entirely my baby and placenta). Feeling so over whelmed with emotion, I felt so weak, I rushed to the AP office and told her I thought I was having a miscarriage and called my mom. I could barely tell her what was going on. She came and got me. I went and got my stuff from class with a note, and my friends could tell something was wrong. My AP told me that if that’s the case, then its God’s way of saying it’s not time and that it’ll be okay.

I got home and went straight to bed. The cramping began to get more intense with each passing moment, so my mom called the doctor. I told them I was 6-7 weeks and they told me to go to the ER, so I did. Once getting admitted, the nurse informed me I was 10 weeks and got me settled in my room. The doctor took blood, put a catheter in, and sent me to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech told me she’d let me know if she found anything. Of course, she didn’t say another word to me after that. Anxiously awaiting the doctor, my mind was going a thousand miles a minute, emotions flooding me. He came in an told me, “I’m sorry to be the one to inform you, but you have experienced a miscarriage; your blood shows no sign of pregnancy and you have passed the majority, but will have a little more bleeding and possibly clotting for the next few days.”

My mom and I drove home in silence, of course me smoking like a chimney on the way. She called my AP and she told my mom she didn’t expect me back ‘til that following week and she’d get my work sent home. My two best friends stopped by and I told them, we smoked and they left. I tried sleeping that entire week but I couldn’t help but feel the guilt that I’d done so much wrong while not knowing about my baby angel.

That Friday I returned to school; I had to stay caught up with everyone if I wanted to pass my senior year.

By the time it got around the school, everyone doubted me, called me a liar and said I was doing it for attention, and so on. But what I couldn’t understand was I did everything right after I took that test, I took my prenatals, ate good food, stopped smoking and drinking, drank lots of water and I ended up losing my blessing.

Now, the dad knew about this but he never believed me. He recently got married and she has ovarian cancer, so now he claims to be sterile. My best friend just had his daughter Emma; she’s two months old. I no longer talk to him or even give attention to his existence.

It’s been two years this December, and although it’s gotten easier I still remember every single detail of that day. Although I only knew about my baby for a week, he still remains in my heart forever. I believe every woman has mother’s intuition and mine tells me he was a boy. Every dream I’ve had he’s been a blued eyed, brown haired beautiful baby boy. His first birthday just passed and I chose the name Armony Lane, Armony meaning strength/home; Lane meaning path.

Courtney, I am so sorry for your loss. I have had a miscarriage and a stillbirth. I have said a prayer for you that God would comfort you and heal you, and that you would hold your baby in heaven one day.