Comments:

1

Jane

I often wonder what in my profile has made a man think I am an appropriate match for him. I have to say, I think men just email women who look good to them, for whatever reason. Sometimes I get emails that simply say they like my smile. And some are just outlandish–literally–they are from all over the country!

So, yes, wrong men but, as Evan always says, don’t take these things personally. I think they are just gaming; it’s not about me or the characteristics described in my profile.

I used to answer every email—no way do I now bother with the ones that are way outside my narrative of whom I am looking for. ( I still answer any thoughtful or humorous email whether they fit my criteria or not.)

Yes, I find I am very popular with the over 50 paunchy crowd (I’m 42 and slim.) Then there’s all the, “I’m just a simple guy, want a no drama relationship. No liars. No cheats.” (that’s all they have to say)(this is usually misspelled/without proper grammar.)

I do not put “thou shalt nots” in my dating profile but rather send a quick e saying, “Thanks for your interest; good luck in your search.” Period. End of statement and so on… Then delete their profile and move on. What else can a gal do?

Isn’t that like asking a prospecter if he finds a lot of pebbles while he’s searching for gold? I got plenty of mail from men young enough to be my son until I simply set an age-range preference. Same for men old enough to be my dad. I got plenty of men looking for one-night stands and simply said “no thanks.” If they were rude or scary, it was especially easy to say “no thanks.” For everyone who was nice and gentlemanly but not very likely to be on my wavelength, I was polite and appreciative when I declined.

Most messages I receive are from guys who are 20+ years older than me, are 100+ miles away from me, have more children than I want to consider, etc. That’s the vast majority, but as Moonsical said, I don’t state in my profile what I don’t want. If I’m not interested in them, I just delete their profile. If they spent time and effort writing to me, then I’ll write them a personal “no thanks” message.

I’m currently not dating online, but back whe I first started out on Match I did then it leveled off the longer I was on the site. I would still get the occasional email from somebody old enough to be my father-sorry, just can’t do that unless it’s Harrison Ford, Robert Redford, or Tom Selleck-in other words, it wont happen. Like moonsical & A-L I didn’t put any “you shouldn’t be” in my profile so I guess it left me open to guys who were willing to take a chance. Sometimes I would send a reply other times I wouldn’t

I was getting way too many emails before I started outlining some guidelines, such as height requirements. I hesitated before doing it, worrying that i’d come across a b*tch to guys that did meet my requirements who would then choose not to message me. My current bf said he was stoked about the height requirement, figuring it gave him a better chance, so I guess it worked out okay.

When I first went online, I felt I had to respond to every email, no matter how offbase. I certainly wanted to treat everyone as I would want to be treated. I remember not knowing how to respond to people I wasn’t interested in …in the most polite way possible. Once I sent the thanks, but no thanks automatic response and received a horrid, vulgar reply. With time..online sophistication brings..no response is pretty clear enough and does no harm. I do have to say I was shocked to realize how many men send out form letter emails…it’s a numbers game after all. You learn to discern profiles and emails after awhile, with practice and time. I would like to see a break down of someone’s profile with tips of how to spot character issues, etc.

Used to get guys emails from guys telling me I am “hot” and sexy.I could not for the life of me understand why. My profile indicated clearly that I was looking for a relationship and none of the photo’s I posted were revealing and showing too much bare skin. I had guys much older then me emailing me. Like moon says with the big beer belly. I had the way much younger guys at least 15 years younger and not doubt on the prowl to get themselves a “cougar”. Fine if that suits you. Each to their own….. Not what I was looking for. Anyway I think that much all have been a phase. I still get to email, but a lot less.I have to say that lately I have been seeing better quality men contacting me. Nice, polite, good jobs, nice looking etc I am open to meeting guys that would make a good partner and so maybe I am attracting that more in my life. I have not met someone yet with whom it has clicked yet…I have to say they had a lot of traits that I would like, but I have to also be attracted to them. That has not happened yet,but like I put in most of the comment I have posted I have a postive outlook and so I am sure I will meet someone eventually. I am not a person who gives up easily.

It has really been surprising how many emails I get from completely “wrong” men, let alone the number of winks. Sometimes it’s just a geography issue, but many times they clearly have not read my profile. I’ve been lucky and so far all have been polite, so I respond using the automatic “no thanks” option. If the writer put some thought into the email, then I reply more personally. I follow Evan’s instructions and don’t both listing my deal-breakers in my profile, since it wouldn’t matter anyway. I wonder if women do this to guys…. probably yes.

Yes. I used to get really annoyed (because these wrong guys were often persistant sending multiple emails) and I used to put my ‘should not’s’ in my profile, for example “I prefer to date men without children as I have none yet myself” etc. because then I felt completely justified not returning emails since I made it clear what I was looking for. Now I’m just on eHarmony and don’t bother with ‘have not’s’

It’s been a long time since I’ve done the on-line dating thing, and I’m still not ready to try it again, but there is alot of “blanket-bombing” goes on. They figure they’ll get a hit somewhere. Of course I wasn’t really looking to be someone’s numbers game. As far as do they read your profile, I was e-mailed by one who’s greatest pleasure seemed to be taking off for the weekend on a whim. As a parent, that’s not the stage of life I’m in, and I won’t be for several years yet. I just responded that I was at that point in my life and he should prolly look for someone who was, but I thanked him for his interest.

At first I had the urge to “bitch up” my profile, which I did not actually do, except for specifying my minimum desired height in a man (at first I only hinted at it by stating how tall I am in heels – many did not take the hint).

As for the rest of these questions, I already answered them in another thread.

I used to get a lot of mails from people i would not dream about dating or people who are too far.. But after i read the mails and blogs of Evan i changed the way i saw dating. Just reading each mail once changed the way i thought about others and myself! And i actually began enjoying talking to people. And found better guys.. I still get mails from odd guys but fortunately i have found someone who seems to be perfect for me and loves me a lot!!

I really want to thank Evan for it!! All the best to you and Thanks a lot!!!!

I do, and it’s a conundrum. I don’t worry about hurting the feelings of men who contact me but obviously haven’t read or understood anything in my profile. Likewise the guys I told “no thanks” in the past. Or the spammers. Or the incarcerated. Or the meth mouths. Or the married men. I have used a humorous form letter in the past to deal with some of these guys–well, humorous to me–not sure they got the joke. Sigh.

It’s the guys who write clever, interesting letters but who just aren’t at all physically attractive to me that I feel for. I try to write them back something nice but making it clear we’re just not quite the right match. I have found if I write more than that, or tell them I am seeing someone else, I’ll get rebuttal letters. “Then why is your profile still up?” “But we match on 97% of our interests.” Etc. I don’t respond to the rebuttal letters. My initial polite response was sufficient.

Like Juju, I have leaned towards the slightly bitchy in rewriting my profile to try to eliminate some of the unwanted correspondence, but that just seems to present more of a fun challenge to some of these guys. I notice many men are comfortable saying things like “if you don’t meet my physical attributes for a match, please try someone else,” etc. I don’t read a lot of women’s profiles, so I don’t know if women do this, as well. I’m considering being more restrictive in my physical criteria and somehow working that into my narrative, but I know it won’t get around the men tho look at my pictures and contact me without even reading the profile. At least then, I could feel less guilty about being a “heartless deleter.”

I don’t think it matters if you say in your profile that you’d prefer this or that as it has been my experience that most (not all) men do not take the time to read your profile in the first place.

I, on the other hand, when browsing men’s profiles and find someone I’m interested in actually READ the profile. If they are saying they would like to meet someone whose: 25-35, 5’2″ to 5″6″, blond with blue eyes….and I’m 36, 5’8″ with black hair and brown eyes…well common sense would tell you not to waste my time, right?

I would get very upset to get emails from the 50+ and over crowd. I resist the urge to say something and usually delete. Sometimes they get it and sometimes the “winks” keep on coming. Match has an option where you can block people from contacting you.

If I’m wrong, I’m fine with eating crow, but when I was doing the online thing, I usually saw a red flag when a guy in a major metropolitan area at least 100 miles away would contact me. Not that nothing could ever come of it, but I was often curious why the guy had access to so many women and was not meeting anyone in his own city. But, that’s just me.

Who has had a man chat with you and tell you that you are very pretty, all the sudden stop talking to you? I mean the last conversation ended nice and everything seemed fine. I really need a lesson on how to attract the right men.

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