The BEST Birthing Method

There is much debate about which is the best birthing method. I’ve seen many mommy wars waged on this very topic, as moms argue over which way is the best, hardest, healthiest or promotes the best bond between mommy and baby.

I definitely think that it is important for moms to make informed birthing choices, and plan for what they feel will be best for them and their babies. What I don’t like is when mamas start attacking each other, or trying to make others feel inferior for their birthing opinions or chosen methods.

Before my son was born I was told that vaginal birth with no drugs is the absolute best. I was given multiple reasons for this, but the most common was for bonding with the baby. I’m sure that there have been medical studies done on the topic and that’s really not what I’m here to discuss. I know that many wonderful mamas still carry guilt for their birth methods, and I know even more pregnant mamas who harbor fears that they will not be able to give birth the “right” way. I am 100% for moms making informed decisions about birth and going into it with both eyes openbut I’m a bit weary of the guilt trips that all-too-often accompany that information.

This is why I’m sharing my story:

When I was pregnant with my first baby I made a birth plan that described all my wishes and hopes in great detail. It said I didn’t want any type of medical intervention and I wanted to deliver him vaginally without any painkillers. 9 days past my due date I was induced, but still hoping to have a pain-medication free birth. I was so worried about doing everything “right” and not being judged by people who might think that I was selfish or weak for taking pain medication.

A few hours in to labor all those hopes flew out the window and I begged for intervention. The nurses gave me something in my IV which made me both drowsy and loopy. An hour later my son was born. The doctor laid him on my chest and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I still remember the tears flowing down my cheeks as I started at his perfect little face. I can’t adequately describe the love that I felt in that moment, but it still gets me teary-eyed when I think about it. The bond I felt for my son was immediate, even with the pitocin flowing through my body accompanied by whatever medication they gave me in that IV for the pain. It wasn’t what I had planned, but it was beautiful.

Then came my second birth. It’s quite a story (you can read it here), but the short version is that I delivered the princess roughly 10 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. My birth plan didn’t even make it in the building (neither did my dr). She was born in 3 quick pushes without even a chance to get any type of medical intervention. There were a couple issues with me afterwards, but her actual birth was pretty much perfect. But if I’m honest, I didn’t feel that immediate bond when she was placed on my chest. Instead of weeping at her beauty and being in awe of the miracle of life, I think I just smiled a bit and thought “aww she’s here”. That was it. The world didn’t stop turning the way it did with my son, and I don’t remember crying at all. I was happy, relieved, and full of love, but it was very…different. I didn’t even realize until a few hours later, that the bond was not immediate with her the way it was with my son. It’s hard to describe the difference in emotions, but it was definitely unique.

After my issues were cleared up, I was able to nurse her before she was taken to the nursery for her newborn tests. I stayed awake for awhile waiting on her. I wasn’t exhausted the way I had been with my son, I wanted desperately to see her, but I wasn’t frantic as I had been 2 years earlier when my son was separated from me for his newborn tests. As I spent the first night with her, and many nights since then, our bond has grown and deepened and it has been beautiful to watch it happen.

My bond with both my kids is equal now, but I still find it interesting when I think about it. The medicated birth that lead to an immediate bond with my son, and the easy birth with no interventions without the immediate bond. It goes to illustrate that every birth is truly unique, and beautiful in it’s own way. I have no regrets about the births of either of my children. Neither went the way that I was expecting, but I smile at the memory of both.

I write this for those that worry that your birth won’t be perfect. Birth rarely goes the way that we have planned, but each is beautiful and difficult in it’s own way. Birth is not a competition, it’s personal, and it is up to you (with the help of your health providers) to decide what the best method is for your family.

And to the moms who worry about bonding with their babies… It’s true that it’s not always immediate, but that isn’t your fault. And it doesn’t have to affect your entire relationship with your child. My daughter will probably never know that the magical-emotional bond wasn’t there immediately after her birth (At least not until I tell her as she’s preparing to birth children of her own). She won’t know because it doesn’t affect our lives today, just as the choices I made during their births do not affect us today. The pitocin, the pain medicine, and the almost birth in the car. They each lead to the same outcome, a healthy baby welcomed into a family full of love.

The love that I feel for both of my children goes so far beyond what I felt for them in their first few days of life. It grows everyday, and I doubt that it will ever stop.

So enough with the mommy-guilt, bring on the mommy-support. Support for all mamas, for all birthing decisions & all birth plans (even the ones that stay tucked away in the car while mama delivers the baby).

*disclaimer*

I recognize that there is a lot of medical research that has been done on the topic of birth, and I’m not here to talk about that today. I feel that those conversations are best between moms & their doctors, midwives or nurses. Not from my little blog. Nothing I am saying here is medical advice, just one mama’s thoughts in the hopes of alleviating some mommy-guilt from those that may have been told that they did (or are planning to do) things the “wrong” way.

Did your birth go according to plan?

Looking for more Birth/Pregnancy posts? Check out these two favorites:

Lol – my first boy was 3 and a half weeks early and I hadn’t even written a birth plan! And yet somehow everything turned out ok… I think (in hindsight) that birth plans cause false expectations about the birthing process and pregnant mummies should just outline things in the vaguest way. As with you, my second was totally different and a lot quicker, but late, and I didn’t bother with a birth plan then either… I also found I didn’t bond as quickly second time round. I think the most important thing is to relax and not to cause extra stress by trying to measure up to something you wrote before you were in the moment. I didn’t much like the idea of pain medication and didn’t need it first time, but the second time hurt so much more I was BEGGING! Just goes to prove, as you said, every birth is different, but they are all amazing accomplishments and should not be compared, just respected. XX

Thank you so much for sharing. I had a pretty difficult birth experience with my son and never really had that moment with him. Probably not til he was like a week old. The rest of the time I was mentally and emotionally out of it – looking back I feel like I was barely cognizant of anything that was happening even though I was awake. It was like a dreamy, out-of-body sort of feeling, and not the good kind of dreamy.

I keep thinking that if birth could have gone differently, that would have changed. But thanks for sharing your experience that you had more trouble bonding with your unmedicated birth!

Great post! I actually didn’t experience that teary eyed emotional moment after either of my births. Sure I loved them and wanted to hold them and love them but the first thing I thought after baby number one was “I don’t think I can ever do that again”. Baby number 2 I was emotional after because of frustrations with the doctor.

Neither of my births went according to plan!!! I had hoped to labor in the tub with my son, but he was ready to arrive before the tub was done filling (4 1/2 hour labor from water breaking to him being born!). Then my daughter came very quickly in just 1 1/2 hours (after 2 days of prodromal labor) in the front seat of our suburban in the parking lot of a run-down car audio shop outside the army post. (The hospital was 45 minutes away). I never expect my births to go as I plan, but I always warn mamas to prepare for a natural, unmedicated birth, because you never ever ever know how your body and baby will birth – and you may end up with labors too fast for any pain killers or any real relaxation techniques (Seriously with my son’s, cx were right on top of each other, and I couldn’t focus on anything to help get through them – it was crazy!).

I love what you share here, though, because I did have some guilt with my daughter, since she didn’t get to nurse until 9 hours after she was born as her temp had dropped so far having been born at 3am on an April morning. I felt guilty that I didn’t get to hold her for so long (though I did get a nice hour or so before we got admitted).

I think my biggest guilt, though, came with not being more informed with the post-birth hospital procedures, and I’m still a tad frustrated that they gave me pitocin without my knowing (and my hubby and doula didn’t stop them, despite it being in my birth plan).

wow! those are fast births!!! That is good advice to prepare for unmedicated, because you are right, you just never know!!! And the other side, to prepare for fully medicated/c-section because things can certainly go unplanned in that direction as well :)

I’m so glad that this post was an encouragement to you, and hopefully helped to relieve some of that mommy-guilt <3

Thank you so much for writing this! I think that bonding at birth has been put so high up on a pedestal and we are told there are only special ways of insuring this. And it’s all well and good to plan for an unmedicated natural birth unless, if you are like me, you find yourself with severe pre eclampsia and have to deliver your 1 1/2 lb baby at 26 weeks through a c section. And everything you have been taught about how things are supposed to go are thrown out because they are not possible. Thankfully, even though I didn’t get to hold him until he was 2 weeks old we have a great bond and I couldn’t love my three year old any more. And I also have an amazing bond with his one year old brother who also was born 3 months premature through a very emergency c section. Thankfully God can take our less than ideal outcomes and make beautiful family bonds in ways beyond what we were told would happen in the natural birth world. Thankfully I was able to pump breastmilk for my 26 weeker and feed him only breastmilk til he was 14 months and my almost 16 month old is still nursing like a champ. These are blessings that I was told would be difficult to do with very early preemies.

My 2 kid were born in very different scenarios too, my son’s birth quite similar to your daughter’s birth. I never felt immediate bonds with either of mine, even though both births were unmedicated. Thank you for sharing your honest story, Paula! We all can learn a lot from this.

Ah thank you for writing this! I’ve had 4 c-sections and while I am way past the “guilt” stage of it, I still get a bit sad knowing I’ll never experience “normal” childbirth. My bond with all of mine was pretty much instant- and believe me, I had LOTS of drugs going in!

I agree completely! With my son, I had no birth plan, I just wasn’t into the whole idea of detailed plans because I knew plans usually go out the window. I was very firm on not wanting to be induced, and I figured I would wait and see how it went with pain, but I wanted to avoid an epidural. Well I had to be induced because of preeclampsia (started with that little pill that I have since read many scary things about, but all was fine when I had it), then 24 hours later had to have pitocin (again, something I was previously against) then about 10 minutes into the pitocin I was in so much pain I was screaming in a not very nice fashion for the epidural :P 36 hours of labor total, beautiful healthy boy who cried right away and only needed O2 for a few minutes while the nurses were cleaning him up. And let me tell you, I was soooo happy for that epidural while the midwife spent the next 30 minutes stitching me up “down there”!!!
So in the end, all was fine and a birth plan wouldn’t have done any good anyway. Honestly, I went in with the “ignorance is bliss” syndrome; it’s having another one that I’m scared about, now that I know so much more about what can go wrong! ( Not that that is stopping me :) )

I’m currently preparing for my second baby knowing that it might not all go according to plan. I knew it with my first but didn’t really expect anything to go wrong. My labor started with my water breaking, contractions starting, and then me going back to sleep and waking up to no contractions at all. My plan was the midwifery center at our hospital with the big tub but I ended up in regular labor & delivery hooked up to pitocin. I tried to be strong about it but I ended up in tears over needing the pitocin. 9 hours or so later, after a pain med-free pitocin labor{though if I hadn’t hit transition when I did I would have ended up getting an epidural, I was so tired}, along with major back labor, I finally had my son.

I guess I “bonded” with him quickly. Honestly, my first thought after that last push was “finally! I can stop!.” It was pretty awesome holding him for the first time though:)

It really doesn’t happen like you plan. I will say that I think being confident in the hospital, doctors, or midwives that you have chosen is super important. If you trust them, it will be a little bit easier on you if your plans change.

I have three kids, and each and every time was such a different, unique experience. Plans so often go flying out the window and it’s never what you completely expect. Trusting in those around you, having the people you want by your side, and welcoming a safe baby is the best birthing method to me :) Great post!

As a neonatal nurse who attends every birth in our L&D unit, I think the “best” birth is one that results in a healthy mom and baby. Sometimes epidurals stall labor. Other times, they allow the mom to relax and make the birth happen more quickly and easily. The same is true of just about any intervention. Used unwisely, they cause problems. Used wisely, they can improve birth or even save lives.

Education is the key. Learn as much as you can about birth. Learn about what the interventions are, when they are useful, when they aren’t useful, and so on. The more you know, the easier it is to feel confident no matter whether it is a completely unmedicated, no-intervention birth or a highly medicalized c-section.

Wow! Our birth stories for both kids sound very similar. But our experience is opposite. With my first (who is now 4), I had hoped for a natural childbirth but went in with an open mind. I ended up opting for an epidural, a choice that I’m fine with to this day. My labor with him was long- 36 hours start to finish including an hour of pushing. My bond with him wasn’t immediate, even though he was my first born. We welcomed another child 4 weeks ago. My labor from start to finish with her was under two hours. I barely made it to the hospital as well. I got to the room at 12:16 and she was born in three pushes at 12:26. There was no birth plan, I didn’t have a gown on, and the doctor was there, but not in scrubs. My bond with her was immediate. It is weird, everyone and every baby is different!

Thanks for sharing this! My husband and I are thinking about having kids sometime soon and this is always a big fear of mine – choosing between natural and drugs. I’ve heard so many opinions about both as well as horror stories about both. It’s nice to hear your perspective – guess I’ll just go with what happens! (which honestly will probably be me screaming for someone to give me drugs) :) Thanks!!

thank you for this…. my birth went no where near as planned… i was going for the all natural thing and she will come when she comes.. then i was 100% effaced, and at a 2 the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy.. my last check up it was 3 which was exactly one week before her due date… . so there was really no improvement for almost a month, and my doc said that if i wanted to be induced to call the office no later then thursday. we talked about it then decided this baby most likely is not going anywhere, lets do it i guess…. sunday we went in at 730pm, started the process… monday came, the pitocin got hooked up, i was drug free for an hour… i hated everyone.. i hate people touching me, talking, all i wanted was my ipod and my blanky, and i felt like i was dying. then i got phetinal thru my iv… ellyot dropped and i was ok.. i appologized to my husband, my sisters, and my mom because i felt awful… then that wore off, my left hip felt like it was getting ripped out, then i decided for the epidoral…. next to the last thing i wanted to happen.. that was great, everything went along as its suppose to, then the left hip thing started and continued…. for 2 hours.. then it was time to push… didnt feel a thing, pushing was FANTASTIC.. concentration/breathing great was there, she was going to come ANY minute, she has a ton of brown curly hair, … 3 hours later my doctor comes in before she goes home for the day, this is 6pm, why isnt this baby here yet, well baby was right there.. she checks it out, ellyot was rotated wrong and stuck on my hip AND fighting for room with my full enlarged bladder.. so there was a moment where she tried to rotate her, her heart rate dropped, emergancy c section here i come… my beautiful baby girl was born at 723 pm on 4/23/12… on her due date even,,, i felt guilty i wasnt able to do the drug free thing.. but i got to kinda hold her when she came out, after all i had no feeling in my body and i wanted to sleep.. jake held her the whole time after the quick clean up while i was in recovery.. the drugs wore off quick, i got my chills under control, and i was with them in no time. and now, i am just thankful i have a healthy baby.. there isnt any issues to where i cant have babies “the natural way”… my doctor is an amazing lady, and now that she knows whats going on in my insides, she says its totally do able.. c section was the last thing i have ever wanted to do.. i didnt get to see her come into the world, and that still kinda makes me sad when i think about it.. but then i get a cute little bit running over to me for a high five and that feeling goes away.. for future babies, i more way more open and i am just going to go with it..

I threw birth plans out the window after my first baby. They might go well for many moms, but I’ve found birthing to be somewhat unpredictable. ;-) Trying for a vbac this time in a place that is NOT vbac friendly has me all kinds of nervous. This post just makes me so excited to meet a new baby soon, regardless! Thanks for the reminder that no matter how goes, there is (Lord willing) a baby at the end.

I believe the whole “birth-bonding” thing can be misleading and over-rated. Not that I don’t believe mamas and babes should be able to spend those first few moments together, if possible, but I do know some women who have later blamed their entire failed relationship with their child on the fact that they weren’t able to “properly bond” at birth. Nonsense! A lifetime of relationship is not determined in the few moments after birth.

I’ve experienced 10 births: 4 cesareans, my 1st VBAC with an OB, a VBAC in a hospital with a CNM, 2 VBACs in a freestanding birthing center with a CNM, and 2 homebirths (both babies weighing over 11 lbs each). None of these births went as I’d envisioned, though I would say that every one was unique and precious. Each of my cesarean babies was taken away at birth and a couple were not returned for HOURS. I was able to hold most of the others right away, but was thankful, especially with the last one, that there were others to hold him, as I really felt the need to pull myself back together after a rough time of an 11 lb 2 oz, posterior, shoulder-dystocia delivery. My big four-year-old guy suffers no ill effects from my lack of immediate bonding, and still loves to cuddle in mom’s lap. :)

Birth is such a beautiful process and as mama is risking her life to give life, there should be no guilt attached.

“A lifetime of relationship is not determined in the few moments after birth.” THANK YOU!

As an infertile couple, my husband and I are now seriously looking into adoption — and can I just tell you how much it bothers me when moms who have the privilege of giving birth to their own children bicker about “the absolute ONLY way” to do x, y or z? Adoption is beautiful, and we are excited about it. But I won’t get to “do all the right things” during the pregnancy. I won’t get to create a birth plan. I won’t get to bond immediately, or ever nurse my baby. Adoptive moms have a lot of fears and guilt to work through as well, often for things that are completely out of our control because our children didn’t come from our bodies.

Thanks for this article, and for being on the “honor every mom” team. Blessings to you and your beautiful family.

Jen, though we have been blessed with 10 natural children, just recently we have added a new member to our home; my six year old great-niece. In the blog post I shared about this experience, I concluded with: “Most of my children have been carried in my womb, as I counted down nine months to hold each of them. But one special dark-eyed little girl I’ve held in my heart, patiently awaiting her return for five long years.” I understand. ((hugs))

I do hope to adopt (or foster) one day, so while I can’t currently say I know what you are going through, I do have SO much respect for the process and what a challenge it is. I pray your heart is freed from all of the stresses other moms have put on you (both intentionally and unintentionally) about doing things the “right” way. You are definitely doing it the “right” way for your child, and that matters far more than any birth plan ever could.

I had an epidural and was not the slightest bit phased as far as my awareness or personality. The only change was obviously the numbness from the waist down. I was completely alert, had a great birth and bonding experience, and I’ll definitely be doing the same thing with baby number two.

Like you, I was “overdue” with #1 but I ended up with a c-section. I tried to VBAC 2 more times and ended up with sections both times. So with #4 and #5 I had no choice but to have c-sections. Between vomiting because of anesthesia, painkillers that put me to sleep, and the dozens of people in and out of my room, I don’t think I truly bonded at first sight with any of the first 4. The last one was at a different hospital and just a different experience altogether. I still threw up (on the OR table) and had a bunch of meds but I felt that connection almost immediately. I’ve learned through birthing 5 babies that the emotions and bonding will come and that’s what most important.

I had non medicated home births with both my boys. Both emotional experiences afterwards we’re different even though they were born pretty much the same non medicated home birth way. I don’t think the bonding had anything to do with drugs vs no drugs. It was just a different birth so different emotional experience nothing more. =)

Delivering my son didn’t go according to plan either. Due to complications, I had to have him via emergency c-section at 31 weeks. But, if it weren’t for that c-section, neither one of us would be here today. So, I thank my lucky stars each day because those doctors saved our lives. But i felt so much guilt right afterwards and it took a long time to get over that hurdle. Friends would say things to me like, “oh, you had a c-section, you took the easy way out.” Or, they would refer to a vaginal birth as a “natural birth” which was hurtful because it implied that there was something unnatural about the way i delivered my son. It was crushing. Due to the complications i mentioned above, it is too much of a risk for me to be pregnant again. No, i will never know what the 3rd trimester feels like. No, i will never know what a contraction feels like. No, i will never know what it feels like to give that final push and hear the baby crying as it enters the world. And that certainly wasn’t my plan. But, i don’t think any of that makes me any less of a mother or lessens the experience i had giving birth.

During my pregnancy and my son’s younger years i learned 2 things: 1) you will get more unsolicited advice about pregnancy/birthing/child rearing than you will know what to do with and 2) everyone’s a critic…and an expert. But, at the end of the day, what’s best for mom and baby is always the right decision, and what’s best is truly unique to each and every mom and baby out there. :)

I wanted a home birth but our insurance didn’t support it so I opted for a standard hospital birth but I wanted to be on my side not back and medication free if possible and no way was I having an epidural. My daughter decided to break my water 6 weeks early and she was double footling breech which.meant she was standing upright on my cervix and facing my spine. So I ended up with a spinal block and a c section at 34 weeks exactly. She is now 14 months old, 31 inches tall 27 pounds and starting potty training. And of the bottle for two months now. It was a unique experience and she spent 12 days in nicu but I’m Ok with how it turned out. I didn’t get to see her or hold her for several hours and I was horribly emotional but we bonded instantly.

Like many women, I planned an non-medicated hospital birth. However, 6 hours after my water broke and 16 hours after I went into labor naturally at 38 weeks, my son’s heart started stopping with each of the back-to-back-to-back contractions that had been happening since the water broke. We ended up in an emergency C-section that likely saved his life and I was just grateful that I had a healthy little boy to hold in my arms, even if it wasn’t right away. In the end, that’s what we all hope for, right!? After a pregnancy during which it was suggested to me to have an abortion because, “you know this child is never going to make it, right?” Making it that far and the possibility of losing him at that point was very scary and his daddy and I were just not willing to take our chances because someone might say something afterwards to make me feel guilty about it.

I think some of it has to be the joy of becoming a mother for the first time vs adding a new life, but not being a new mom. Does that make sense? Also, your second delivery was SO rushed, you didn’t have time to emotionally prepare during the labor to meet your latest addition.

I had a planned c-section with my twins, and my experience was completely different when it came to the birthing… and that “not bonding right away” lasting much longer than a few hours or days as it did for you. It was several weeks before I finally, really, felt that crazy love for my girls. (you can read more about that here: http://hdydi.com/2013/09/10/twinfant-tuesday-getting-that-motherly-feeling/)

With my VBAC of my son which took 36+ hours of labor, during my 41th week of pregnancy, I was just SO HAPPY to have him in my arms. I didn’t cry a single tear. But, I loved him. ANd unlike with the girls, the first few weeks with him, I was on this crazy high of love for him. I adored him (still do).

I think it’s just weird how hormones affect us. How our birthing experiences can affect us. And how our love changes, matures, and evolves over time and is just different between each child.

My birth was exactly 72 hours long due to severe nerve pain through my body. It caused lots of problems. My midwife and every midwife knew and the doctors and nurses didn’t know what was going on. I went through transition 3 times. After each time I got almost to 8 then back to 5. Anyways, everything went wrong but I had a healthy girl…that I no longer wanted. No bond. Zero. I thought it would come eventually. It didn’t. 6 months went by. Nope. After sinking into an abysmal post partum depression among almost every post partum health problem one can think of I had to make myself love her. She’s 2 now. I love her, I do. But whenever I see loving posts about mothers and babies it makes me angry. Because I never bonded with my daughter. To this day, after forcing myself to love her I feel like something is missing. Some key element. But, I do my best to make sure she never feels it. (Yes I breast fed.) I guess I’m just broken.