Stop Being So Crazy, You God Damn Lunatic: 101 Ways to Tone It Down a Bit, Please

Yep, you’re pretty neurotic. Everyone is to a certain extent, but you’re worse than most. So, stop being crazy. Despite what Helloween would have you believe, it’s definitely a good idea. Don’t know how? Let me help.

101 Ways to Stop Acting Like a Complete Nut-Job:

1. Breath

I know this seems pretty simple, but a lot of people seem to miss this one. I’m not talking about those bullshit slow, calming breaths that quack therapists always suggest will help you relax and clear your mind. That’s stupid. Your problem isn’t that you need to relax, it’s that you spend so much time being crazy that you actually forget to breath normally. You’re probably suffering from some form of brain damage due to a lack of oxygen that’s made you much more crazy than you were intended to be.

2. Relax

I lied, you could probably benefit from relaxing a little bit. Feel free to try a few slow, calming breaths if that’s your thing. But whatever technique you use to relax, do it a lot more often than you’re currently doing it. Which I’m guessing is somewhere around the amount of NEVER. Which might explain why you’re so fucking INSANE.

Crazy people have a way of making everything seem needlessly intense. “What, there’s someone in the bathroom? BUT I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM NOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!”

Do yourself, but mostly everyone else, a favor and take a step back. Try to calm down. And for God’s sake, chill out. Nothing is as important as you think it is.

3. Stop Yelling

She'll be dead by her 21st birthday at this rate...

I was going to say “stop yelling so much”, but then I realized it’s going to be better for everyone if you just stop cold-turkey. When you think about it – which I do often – there’s rarely a good reason for yelling. Being excited is not a good reason. Yelling to avoid getting raped, or to help someone else not get raped is a pretty good reason. If you, or anyone you know, or anyone in your vicinity is about to get raped, or is in any danger of getting raped, please yell as loudly as possible. But otherwise, keep your volume to the minimum required for the people you’re talking to to hear you. If you’re talking to someone further than ten feet away, either call them on a cell phone or talk to someone closer. Yelling just riles you up and increases the amount of crazy that comes out of you.

4. Exercise

For God’s sake, if you don’t know by now that exercise is good for you, then you must be cra- oh, right. Well, I’m telling you right now – exercise is really good for you. Some kinds of craziness are because of chemical imbalances in the brain (I assume, based off of what commercials have told me). But even if your particular brand of crazy has nothing to do with the chemicals in your head… Okay, let’s be honest, all forms of lunacy are based around your brain not working right, which is directly correlated to how the chemicals do things up there (If you’re a doctor, please help me say that in an intelligent way). So, whether it’s brain damage, brain malfunction, or you just were born retarded, the point is, exercise is healthy, and can possibly help reduce how crazy you are.

5. Make a List

Write down a list of all the things you do that are crazy. Then, STOP DOING THEM! Whenever you feel like doing anything, look at the list of crazy things you do. If the thing you were about to do is on that list, maybe just don’t do it. However, I understand that purposely stopping yourself from being crazy will most often only make you crazier in the long run. Even normal, well adjusted people such as myself need a “crazy outlet” every once in a while. AWDJI%$Y I%$#$ERBRTHMM @$ @#ROQF)T)%$YG< EF786446456aer E# (banging randomly on the keyboard is a crazy thing I like to do sometimes, to help relieve the stress caused by the small fortune I spend on keyboards.)

Just try to keep it in moderation. Hold it in all week, except for Saturday. Be really crazy on Saturday. Or you could have a certain time every day where you do whatever you want. I don’t know. You figure it out.

6. Don’t Talk About It

The guys know what I'm talking about. Or, not talking about.

The more you talk about how crazy you are, the more crazy you begin to believe you are. The more crazy you believe you are, the more crazy you will act. Also, talking about how crazy you are only makes people talk about how crazy you are for always talking about how crazy you are. Confused? Well I’m not, so I’m going to continue. Basically, a certain amount of your craziness can be boiled down to perception. Both how crazy you perceive yourself to be, and how crazy everyone else perceives you to be. The more “built up” your craziness is, the more likely you are to act crazy. It may be a conscious habit of trying to live up to other people’s expectations (and your own). Or, it could be a subconscious habit of trying to live up to other people’s expectations (and your own). Either way, you’re fucking nuts. Be less of that.

7. Don’t Over-share

Have you ever heard of the acronym TMI? It stands for “I don’t care about whatever your saying and I’m actually a bit put-off by the level of detail in the information you’ve just divulged.” Or, more accurately “Too Much Information.” Nothing increases the public perception that you’re crazy quite like the story about how your dog got an anal fissure, and then you got one a week later. Because first of all, what? Why are you telling anyone that story? I can guarantee that a story about a dog/owner shared anal fissure experience isn’t going to be good. No one wants to hear it. And when you obliviously keep telling it, despite the obvious lack of interest and probably lots of vomiting, people are going to think you’re crazy. Especially when you go into all that detail. And stop showing us pictures, too.

You may have your own version of sharing way too much about things that should never be spoken of, but the basic principle is the same. It’s not funny to gross people out or go way too far just for the hell of it, unless you’re really good at it. Guess what? Only two people on Earth are good at it, and you’re not one of them. When everyone tells you to stop, it’s probably a good idea to listen.

8. Stop Lashing Out Violently

You know what’s crazy? Hitting people. Breaking things. Having dreams where you’re swimming in a pool of blood and loving it. One of the cliches of craziness is inappropriate levels of hostility or anger in response to people and events. The insane are known for things like stabbing someone just for asking what they think of the weather.

You don't want to end up like this, because you won't look nearly as cute gunning people down.

I once had a friend – and by friend I really mean HATED NEMESIS – who would do things such as grabbing me, pulling out a knife blade, and holding it up to my throat like I was a hostage in a B level action flick. Do you know what people said about him behind his back? That he was a lunatic. And he was. He probably still is.

I don’t think anyone ever called him a lunatic to his face, for fear of what he might do to them. If anyone ever did tell him he was crazy, it likely would have been me. I’m sometimes a bit too forthcoming with observations I make about people. That could be why he always “fake” threatened to slit my throat, come to think of it.

9. Take Any Doctor Prescribed Medication

Some people will tell you not to take your medication. They will babble on endlessly about how doctors are just shills for the pharmaceutical companies and medication only makes you worse, and so on and so forth. To them, everything is a conspiracy. It’s true, that in some cases, doctors can make mistakes if they don’t know you well or don’t have a good medical history.

Maybe you should stop, and start taking anti-crazy pills!

Or if they just don’t care. But I bet most doctors care. If you’re really worried about this, keep finding new doctors until you find one you trust. Ask a lot of questions, and give them as much information as you can. Then, take the damn medicine.

Some people will still tell you not to take your medication, they’ll have a lot of reasons why, but none of them will be rational to the outside observer. There’s a word for people like them, but I’m not going to say what it is because if you don’t know by now then I’m not sure telling you directly will help.

10. Find a Constructive Outlet for Your Craziness

There are so many people who have incredible amounts of crazy in them that you’d never even be able to tell. And it’s all because they’ve found a way to channel their insanity in a healthy way. Take for instance, Dexter, a fake character in a realistic but ultimately fake world. If you’re not aware, Dexter is a serial killer, who only kills bad guys at night when no one can see him. During the day, people think he’s normal, at least somewhat. Now, as the audience watching him, we’re privy to the fact that he’s actually a CRAZED MURDERER with a blood-lust so intense he literally has to kill on a regular basis to keep himself under control. Yet, to everyone around him, he’s a pretty nice guy who would never stab someone in the chest with a knife and then dismember their body just because he’s a sick bastard who really enjoys it.

What I’m saying is, go ahead and kill people if it helps you act normal most of the time. Or, make some really weird art that nobody but you understands. Take up a hobby or something. I don’t really know what I’m saying, actually. But try to find something to satisfy your craziness so the rest of us don’t have to deal with it so much.

11. Don’t Take Yourself So Seriously

People who can learn to laugh at themselves and their circumstances end up well adjusted. People who don’t, don’t. So, don’t take yourself too seriously. There’s something about taking one’s self too seriously that has the propensity to lead one down the path of going completely bonkers. I think this is because the world is not a serious place. It’s a ridiculous rock flying through space around a giant, continuous explosion in the middle of basically, nowhere. It’s all but guaranteed that a wild and wacky things are going to happen to you and around you in your life. The phrase “truth is stranger than fiction” doesn’t exist for no reason. It exists because real life is filled with weird shit. Trying to be serious through all the weird shit will make you feel insane. And you’ll go insane.

12. No More Talking To Yourself Out Loud

I can’t believe I actually have to tell anyone this. Talking out loud to yourself is pretty messed up. Not to mention absolutely crazy.

Just don’t do it. Ever. Feel free to talk to yourself all you want in your own head. We all have inner monologues. It’s when they become outer monologues that people start to walk across the street to avoid you.

13. Meditate Daily

Even if it’s only for twenty minutes, try to set aside a time each day when you reflect on yourself. Who are you as a person? Why do you do the things you do? What is it that’s so addictive about edible panties?

Find her, and kill her. It's the only way.

These kinds of questions will help you get to the root of yourself. It’s at your very core that you’ll discover whether you’re actually crazy, or if there’s just a crazy person living inside of you. Some people were born to be insane, but for most of us, I fear we just have a crazy person living inside of us, controlling us. Making us do really dumb things that cause people to look at us strangely in the produce aisle with all that produce down our pants. Produce doesn’t belong in your pants. I know. You know it. But the crazy bastard inside of you thinks it’s a productive use of your time.

That’s where meditation comes in. Meditation is a way of drawing yourself inside of yourself, so you can meet yourself. When you meet yourself, I’m guessing you’ll find that you’re a pretty normal person. Which means somewhere inside of you a crazy person is lurking. It’s time to go find them, and murder them. They’ll always come back, thus the importance of daily mental health maintenance, before they grow too powerful to destroy.

14. Have a Good Support Group

For example...

Everyone needs people to love them, to support them, to physically restrain them when they’ve gone mental and are trying to eat the cat. People who don’t surround themselves with these type of people often end up in mental institutions. Those who do surround themselves with a solid support group usually end up as really successful people who are deemed “eccentric”. Think of all the crazy billionaires and celebrities who are stark raving mad. Yet, because they have people who care about them and encourage them, they’re allowed to interact with society.

Don’t you someday want to be jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch talking about the cult you’ve joined and how great it is and how you can’t wait until the Kool-Aid party next month? All of this, right before you get paid $20 million to play dress-up and pretend in a fantasy world someone else created just for you?

15. See a Therapist

Now, there are good therapists and bad therapists. Bad therapists will say things like “I’m going to teach you some breathing exercises to help you relax” or “and how does that make you feel?” Good therapists will say things like “I think the fact that your father abandoned you and your uncle molested you and your only friend as a child was the puppy your mom bought you explains why you sometimes pretend to be a dog. You feel like you bond better with household pets, as a household pet yourself, than you do with people.”

Wow. Deep, right? Now imagine that kind of insight applied to your screwed up mind.

Good question. Be honest.

16. Admit That You Are Crazy

It’s a commonly accepted fact that people who are actually crazy don’t think they’re crazy. Just admit you’re crazy, and by virtue of your admission, you can’t be that crazy after all. Accepting that you’re crazy makes you less so, immediately, some doctors might say.

17. If You Hear Voices That No One Else Does, Ignore Them

Anytime you hear anyone tell you, ask you, beg you, or threaten you to do something, it’s probably a good idea to look around and ask loudly “WHAT?” If everyone around you looks confused, and scared, there’s a good chance the voice you heard was just in your head. You might even question the person closest to you to make sure it wasn’t their request. And always, always, be sure to ask “why?”

There’s almost nothing more insane than hearing a voice tell you to do something, and then doing it for no reason other than it told you to. Try and use your discernment, also. Sometimes voices have a way of giving reasons that sound good, but aren’t. For instance: “because I told you to”, “this is God speaking”, and “if you don’t I’ll eat you” are all terrible reasons to do anything. Be sure to double-check your logic with others as well. Because, you know, if you’re crazy, what you think is rational may not be very rational.

Basically, make sure you confirm with several outside sources that whatever you’re about to do because your head told you to isn’t outside the realm of sanity.

18. Reward Yourself For Keeping It Together

I think this may be the most important part of toning down the craziness. You should associate good feelings with not acting crazy, conversely experiencing nothing but shame and guilt when you do act crazy.

That’s why you should always reward yourself for deciding not to light yourself on fire in a crowded area after all. That would have been crazy! But you didn’t, so buy yourself an ice cream cone! And next time you want to beat up a tree for laughing at you, and you don’t, cut it down and use it for firewood instead. That’s a thing normal people do.

Well, I didn’t quite make it to 101. To be honest, I only had about 6 ways already when I started. I kinda just assumed I would get to 101 before I ran out of ideas. Now I know, 101 ways to do or not do something is a lot. Either that, or I overestimated my ability to think of things. Maybe next time.

But, I did almost make it to 20, and while that’s nowhere near close to 101, it’s close enough for me to be proud of my half-assed effort. So, to all you crazies out there, I hope you learned something. I sure didn’t. Just remember to try and not be so crazy in the future. At least not around me. To be honest, you weird me out a lot.

I leave you now with this wonderful video of animals humping things (which is something else it’s crazy for humans to go around doing):