“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” ~ Phil Donahue

Depression is a thousand knives continually cutting at the fabric of the heart.

It is the emotional wasteland of nothingness stretching mile after forsaken mile.

It is darkness and despair and the endless echo of loneliness.

It is oppressive and violent and vile.

Perhaps even worse than the desperate sadness itself, is that depression lives in hermetically sealed rooms with foil over the windows, curtains drawn, lights yanked from their fixtures and doors closed and nailed so tightly shut that it feels like the eternal darkness of night will never brighten into day again.

In a word, it’s the barren emptiness of hopelessness.

And yet there are ways of getting light into that room.

I recently received an email from a reader struggling with depression (to respect her anonymity, I’ll call her Maria). My reply to her request for help quickly exceeded 3,000 words and I had only touched the surface of what I wanted to say to her.

It wasn’t long before I started thinking (certainly without arrogance! :)) that what I was writing may be of value to others in similar circumstances trying to find relief from their own pain. That, at least, has been my hope.

So I got Maria’s permission to reply to her email here on my blog and to quote the content of her email as well. Turns out I’ll need 5 posts to say what I want to say to her. I know. I’m long-winded.

Each post will be published as follows:

Post #1: Suicide and Depression: 6 Ways to Hold on to Life
If you’re sinking, you need a rope, not a how-to manual on swimming technique.The Goal: Don’t drown.

To start off, I’d like to quote a small part of “Maria’s” email to set the tone. After explaining the problem she’s having with friendships dissolving (to be addressed in Post #4), she wrote this:

“I’ve indulged myself in self-hatred and depression and suicide attempts because I always thought I wasn’t worth it… I’m not at peace. Very tired of weeping and sleepless nights for months. I really don’t know how long this self-hatred and disbelief and guilt will keep hitting me.”

As I told her in my initial reply, I’m humbled by her openness and her request for help. I’m now asking for yours as well. Please add to my thoughts in the comments at the end. There will likely be many of my dear readers who have or are or will struggle with this challenge. I’d love them to have access to a broad perspective.

That, after all, is what we do here, right? We reach out with thoughtful comments, sharing ideas, expertise, experience and wisdom in an ongoing quest to uncover truths about human happiness and potential. And so I’ll thank you in advance for whatever you can add to what I write below.

The subtext of my response here will be this: Please stay alive long enough to find some answers, some relief, some way of stepping away from the barren emptiness that depression can be into something better, something brighter, even something happier. But first, stay alive.

6 Ways to Keep Holding On Despite the Pain

Or maybe this is a better way of saying it: 6 Ways to Tighten Your Grip on Life when it Feels Like Your Fingers are Being Pried Off

1. Know this Will Pass

No matter how long you’ve been at the edge, please remember that all things have an end. Every season is replaced by another. Every game has a buzzer. Every start has a finish.

So too your pain will subside. Hang on to that thought. It can be the loving hand you tightly hold through your darkest hours. As for that door mentioned earlier, it turns out it was never nailed shut after all. It’s not even locked. It’s just difficult to find in the dark.

But you will find it. Perhaps a light will be bright enough here to help you locate it, so you can begin the work of stepping from the darkness into a brighter life.

2. Feelings are only Feelings

Depression is but a feeling. Nothing profound here, I know. But think about it for a moment. You may feel like you were on the 20th floor of a building that collapsed leaving you battered and bruised and buried under a ton of brick and concrete, trapped, barely alive, bleeding into nothingness.

But that’s not what actually happened. It only feels that way. Knowing this can also help you endure the current difficulty even if it’s lasting much longer than you expected.

The impulse to end it all will not last indefinitely. But the act to end it will. The intensity will fade. Feelings change. All of them do. So will yours. Hold on.

No-brainer disclaimer: To those with major forms of depression, feelings are also bio-chemical reactions. If a spark plug in a combustion engine fails to ignite the gasoline/air mixture in a piston, the car won’t budge. Likewise, if a brain does not have adequate access to the proper amounts of serotonin and dopamine, happiness will also be out of reach without proper treatment from a psychiatrist. But with the right treatment, happiness is obtainable. (more on this in an upcoming post)

3. The Price Paid

Think about the pain and suffering as the price being paid for more compassion, humility, wisdom, empathy, patience and a priceless confidence that, once your depression is in the past (as it will be!), you will be able to overcome anything.

You’ll be able to climb any mountain and cross any barren wasteland. You will be endowed with perseverance and endurance. How do I know? Because you will have done it! Experience truly does breed confidence.

Such traits will then serve you well throughout your life. Think of it as a down payment for something incalculably better later. So please hang on for the reward that’s coming at the end of the dark tunnel. It will come and you will be glad you held on a little longer.

4. Run from Alcohol

The longtime fable of drowning your sorrows in a bottle is self-defeating and self-destructive. It doesn’t work. Why? Because alcohol is a depressant. Drinking will make you feel worse, not better. So stay away from it, especially while you’re dealing with your current challenges.

At best, medicating pain only masks it for a while. But it does not cure the cause generating it. Like a Band-Aid over cancer, the disease can spread below the surface if it’s not treated correctly.

So stay sober and seek an actual remedy for curing the wound. You will begin to feel better faster than by delaying the proper treatment as you sink deeper into the bottle.

5. Many others have made it through this Barren Wasteland

It used to be thought that the human body was incapable of running a 4-minute mile, that runners’ lungs would simply explode. Then someone ran it. Almost magically, others were suddenly able to break the barrier too.

Knowing others have worked through and beyond their depression bolsters courage and determination and confidence that you too can walk the road to emotional freedom and happiness. It may hurt for some time longer, but it will fade. Countless others have made it. Hold on to that thought. You can get through this too.

6. There is an Ear that Listens … and Knows

You may or may not have any particular faith. I do. I believe in a God who cares deeply for us.

But when we go to Him, He listens and places our hands in His. Try it. You may be surprised at how much it can help.

Afterthoughts

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore

My goal with this post was simply to encourage the tightening of your grip on life. It’s about coping and enduring. Ideas for changing how you feel, lifting the depression, seeing something truly worth living for, well, those are in the next two posts to come.

Suicide is like demolishing a house to get rid of termites. Its overkill (pun not intended) given the limited nature of our emotional pain and the permanent nature of the act to try to put a stop to it.

To my dear reader and email writer I’ve been calling Maria: Life will get better. Just as certain principles of health will predictably produce known results over time, so there are principles of happiness that if regularly applied will also produce predictable results (we will be talking about some of those principles over the next couple weeks).

So hold on. Be strong. Given how you feel, to have survived this long says a lot about your internal strength already. My next post hopes to turn on a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Please let me know if it does.

No-brainer Disclaimer: As a blogger spouting off his two cents, know that any and all my thoughts should be taken as friendly opinion only. Please seek professional help if you are depressed and have thoughts of hurting yourself or others. Call 9-1-1 if those thoughts or feelings are particularly strong.

YOUR TURN!

What have you done to help you hold on when you were in your darkest hour?

What are you doing now?

How’s it working for you?

What advice would you share with someone struggling under the weight of depression?

We would love to read your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

27 Comments

Maria’s letter (your quote) has made me really concerned. I want to help in any way that I can. If you’re reading this, Maria. I want to help too. If you want to chat on skype or just email me, Ken has my email address.

I’d like to say one thing. Pick out something you know you can do to help others. Do this thing as often as you possibly can. Doing for others releases good hormones in your body. Not only this, it helps you see for yourself how much you have to offer.
Volunteering for the homeless, needy, at a youth club etc, will give you something to hold onto life for.Anne recently posted … People Are Watching You

Your compassion is touching and sincere, Anne. Thank you for that. I hope “Maria” can feel the outpouring of love from you and so many others I know are feeling the same thing, whether they express it here in the comments or not.

I love your suggestion about service and the hormonal effect it has. I actually address that same issue in my next post, even if not as eloquently or passionately as you did here. Perfectly said, Anne! Thank you for that.

Ken, You are a good friend to help. And Maria, I hope Ken’s efforts will show you that you are not alone. I have lost several friends to suicide over the years, and if there was anything I could have done to help them make a different choice, I would have.

Two things have helped me in my darkest hours. One was believing that the darkness would pass. The first time I went through a dark period, I was a teen, and I had not lived long enough to know the truth of this. But after that, when dark times would come, I would remember that I had come out on the other side before. That gave me confidence and hope that I would again.

The other was following Anne’s advice in the above comment. I did things to help others. Even when I didn’t see how I could find the energy to do it. Helping others showed me that I was not alone, that we all have challenges, and that even in my low state, I still had something to offer someone else.Galen Pearl recently posted … Choosing to Thrive

Thank you so much for bringing your personal experience into your reply. I think it’s so important for people struggling to get out from under the weight of depression to hear that others have made it through and have become strong and healthy and happy people. It can seem so eternally dreary under that cloud. But there is light to be had.

Thanks for helping point out the way. We all can get lost as we grope around in the darkness for answers. Comments like yours helps point the way to happier days.

This series is going to be really interesting, I’m looking forward to the forthcoming episodes in this topic. I believe that these kind of articles could help one to get over the hard times…Angela recently posted … Eine wundervolle Stadt: München

That’s certainly my hope, Angela. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. There’s just so much to say, I’m starting to think I’ll have to break the next post (Part II in the series) into two separate posts itself. It’s already 3,200+ words!

I can only relate my story and tell you how I fought depression and the preventive measures I take to stay healthy, happy and sane. My depression was triggered by the sudden onset of Tinnitus (a loud constant ringing in the ears – I was diagnosed to have the severest type – sometimes 3 noises at once – very loud, both ears and 24/7). The depression lasted for two years and the Tinnitus is still with me (we aren’t friends but we manage to coexist). This is what I learned and do:

Find a therapist that works for you. I went through four before I find one that provided me with what I needed. If the therapy doesn’t make sense to you and there isn’t chemistry between you and your therapist and no feeling of real compassion is sensed – move on.

I read everything I could get my hands on regarding depression and anxiety (anxiety often co-exists depression – if you aren’t feeling down, you are feeling anxious).

Exercise – really important – walking is fine. When I was at my worst, I would walk 12-15 miles at day. My wife and I would have people over for dinner and if I got anxious, I would excuse myself from the table and take a long walk. You have to do whatever works.

Meditation and mindfulness practices – it’s not just a new age, feel good thing, it really helps calm the mind and put everything in proper perspective.

Be proactive and try to lead a full life. March to the beat of your own drum. I was telling my wife today wouldn’t it be fun to raise butterflies and then let them fly all around the house – makes sense to me (Kathy sees it slightly differently).

I’m truly touched by the way you so candidly shared your experience here. I trust there are people motivated and inspired by it and the suggestions you shared.

While I’ll talk about finding a good therapist in another post in the series, I like what you said about finding someone you can sense is compassionate. A point I hadn’t thought to make, but will add now.

As for butterflies in the house, I’m with you on that one … as long as it’s your house! 🙂

Truly appreciate the poignancy of your first-hand perspective, Riley. I think it’s so important for people struggling with depression, anxiety or any other emotional difficulty to read and learn all they can about it, including others’ experiences with their particular challenges.

PS: I didn’t know about the TInnitus. Hope the coexistence is increasingly tolerable and that one day your “roommate” decides to move out, or at least starts speaking in a barely-audible whisper.

I am thinking all the time to commot.suicide. I Have 3 kids and evwn though i really love them i am.being sellfish thinking only what’s best for me. Already six months with amtidwpressants and visiti g a phscologist but nothing seems to help. I know what I want. All I want is to die so I Won’t be a burden on others. WHo knows me will be surprised that i have dwpression because i was the most loving and happy woman ever existed. It is as if i have a curse. DEPRESSION IS THE WORST ILNESS ONE CAN GO THROUGH

It is. It sucks horribly. One of the difficulties with depression is just what you said: the feeling that you are a burden to everyone and even THEY would be better off without you. But remember, that’s part of the illness, not an accurate description of reality. Remember that. Nothing you feel is a true image of reality right now. That’s the nature of depression. It distorts everything. Up feels like down and down feels backwards and backwards feels inside-out.

But up is still up and down is still down even if everything seems torn apart and twisted out of shape. The twisting is in the mind of the person suffering the ravages of depression. Six months is a long time, for sure. And antidepressants unfortunately don’t work on everyone, even if it does on most.

Sometimes finding a different mix of chemicals can help. I’m not sure what kind of therapy your psychologist practices, but behavioral psychology seems to work best.

Perhaps the most important thing you can do right now is to move forward. Take whatever step you can. However small the step is that you can get yourself to take. Perhaps it’s just to turn the lights on today. Or get out of bed. Or go to the park. Or go to lunch with a friend. Your therapist should be giving you regular goals to strive toward. If he or she is not, ask for them or switch therapists.

But either way, know that the darkness will eventually clear, that light will come back, that the depression will fade and happiness will return. Hang on to that hope. Stay strong. Suffer nobly, dedicated to keeping your kids as far away from the hell you’re currently experiencing as possible. And take a step forward. And then another one.

And if you would like to talk further, please reply or send a message.
In the meantime, you’re in my prayers. God bless.

Too many people live under the weight of depression and anxiety and other related or causal issues, as you are well aware of in your practice. This (and the series this post is the first of) is my attempt at trying to help reduce that number and provide a light at the end of what can be very long and lonely tunnels.

Most things do pass. There are some, of course, for whom pain doesn’t pass though. I have friends who are always in pain. Their conditions are chronic and incurable to modern medicine. So while applicable to most, it’s not to all. Unless, of course, they have a faith in a next life wherein their pain will cease. That too can provide some sense of hope in the future and strength to endure int he present.

You have given some invaluable information and it is so helpful to have it in bite-size format (6 ways instead of 50 hurdles!). Also, the quote that you included, from Phil Donahue, is so appropriate, that suicide is a permanent solution… I think, though, it is often hard to see that when you are in the throes of the depression and all you can see is the desperation to be free of the pain. Thank you for presenting this article and the series. Now, on to the next one…Deborah E recently posted … 4 Things My Grandpa Taught Me

While I have a rough time trying to keep my posts reasonably short, I rarely come up with some of the huge lists others compile. My thinking is that it’s better to have a short list of solid material people will more likely read than a long list that people graze from. Then the most important tidbits may not be noticed sandwiched between so many other ideas of lesser importance.

You’re right about those who are severely depressed not being able to see much else but the prospect of stopping the pain. Mine is, perhaps more than anything, a plea to those who may wonder by what I wrote and read a few words, hoping they’re embolden to just hang on a little longer.

I’m one of those who made it through. I suffered from depression, depersonalization, anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, etc etc etc for a few years, this obviously made me think in suicide a few times, but there was always a spark in my life that made me feel alive (my family). This definitely made me A LOT stronger, I no longer suffer from any of these conditions, just as Ken said, it will pass, but it won’t happen by itself, a huge mistake I did was thinking I would just snap out of it, it just doesn’t work that way, you have to make an effort. One thing that helped me a lot was meditation and doing exercise, I was so eager to be happy again I started to walk around the block every morning and meditating trying to bring myself to the present moment.

There’s a lot more, but I can’t explain here everything I did, if you need my help, I’m here for you.

Thank you so much Carlos. Your sincerity in sharing your experience was heartfelt.

You said getting over the depression (and the other difficulties) does not happen on its own. That is such an important message for others to hear. Good point about meditation too, using it to help center you in the present moment. So much of depression and anxiety lives in the dark view of the past and the fear of future events and circumstances. Bet getting back to the now can go far in alleviating much of those problems.

So glad you were able to make it out of such a deep emotional hole and that you had family to help. But I’m curious to know (and think it would be helpful to others), that given your experience, what advice would you offer someone who didn’t have a supportive family?

I had a supportive mom, but I barely see her because she lives in another city and I live by myself, so I was pretty much alone in this, but that’s not good because that would make me think I was alone in this world, which is so wrong in many ways. There are PLENTY of people in this world, and if we think about it, we are all in the same situation (Excluding the economic part, we all know money doesn’t equals happiness), we born, we live, we lost loved ones, we laugh, we cry, we kiss, we make friends, we get angry, and we die; so, why are some people happy and some people depressed? I think it’s because sometimes, we forget to appreciate what we have, and that’s the reason why we get lost in these “what if…”, “why didn’t I…”, and many many other questions that doesn’t have answers, and doesn’t let us enjoy the present moment.

One thing I did was bought a dog, he taught me that no matter what, we should always appreciate what we have, even though he once broke a leg, he seemed so happy to see me and always enjoyed the moment, it is incredible how much we can learn from dogs and how our feelings change when they are so happy with our presence.

The past cannot be changed, the past is nothing more than a memory that can be wrong, the future is uncertain and most of what we think of the future is a total construction of our imagination, there’s no such thing as future, the ONLY existing time is now, even if someone creates a time machine to travel to the past, he would be living his present time.

While depressed, this doesn’t make so much sense, I know, but once we see the smallest spark in the dark room, a whole new world full of opportunities and joy opens at us.

Thanks so much for your wisdom and eloquence here, Carlos! And no need to apologize for the length of something so insightful and helpful as this!

Carlos, there is great wisdom in these words: “so, why are some people happy and some people depressed? I think it’s because sometimes we forget to appreciate what we have, and that’s the reason why we get lost in these “what if…”, “why didn’t I…” … questions that don’t have answers, and don’t let us enjoy the present moment.” Thanks for sharing that. No need for further comment by me on that subject.

As for the help getting a dog provided you, there are actually whole therapies built up around animals. I know a wonderful person whose practice uses horses to help people overcome their depression and anxiety and other issues. The animal kingdom is rich with lessons for us human types, for sure. And the act of caring for another living thing takes attention away from the “woe-is-me” self-focused attention that is so destructive to our happiness as well.

Living in the present is such a difficult but critical part of our recovery from childhood traumas, so thanks so much for your reminder here.

I’m recovering from depression. I’ve had it before. Why am I frightened plus all I am doing is reading books on depression to give me support and look for that magic pill.i know the only pill is time and I’m fed up waiting. Any tips for coping on slow days?

First I want to thank Ken for his advice and encouragement to those of us who struggle, and also to those of you who took the time to comment. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a child. My parents were divorced before I was born. My father was a crack addict and bi polar and my mother was very critical of me and is still to this day. Through my life I have endured a lot of trauma. When I take the time to think over it I still feel in awe of all that I have endured up to this point and the idea that all things come to pass does very much ring true with me. In spite of me knowing this I currently am finding it very difficult to will myself into doing the small things I can to boot strap myself out of the my current state.

As a child I was subjected to a tremendous amount of counseling and even spent some time in a psych ward due to attempting suicide. As an adult I have very much rejected the idea of counseling as well as medication. My experience with both of these as a child were not positive for me. They simply lead to the belief that I was not “normal”. The truth was that I was just a normal kid subjected to far too many adult problems that should not have been on my shoulders. Over the years I have been in some pretty abusive relationships. All of which I mustered the self respect and courage required of me to exit.

I married 3 yrs ago and 2 yrs ago I realized that my husband was an alcoholic. The roller coaster of this disease has knocked me down to a very low place, at times I feel to a lower place than I have ever been. While my husband is not abusive to me there have been so many lies that my spirit feels so broken.

I have a 13 yr old son from a previous marriage who adores my husband and truth be told I love and adore my husband as well. I share this because I realize that what I should do may seem so obvious to many but leaving my husband does not seem so clear cut to me for these reasons.

I put on a smile each and every day for these two but inside I am dying and when I am alone I am relieved that I can finally take off my mask and stop pretending that I am not hurting so deeply from the inside out. I guess I find my strength in being strong for them but I feel very alone.

For the first time in my life about a week ago I questioned wether I myself was bi polar… and I did it out loud. I told my mother and my husband. Both expressed to me that this idea was nonsense. My husband told me I was the strongest person he had ever met but deep inside I am the only one that knows the depths of my emotions and what feels lately like pure torture. If I described my life I guess I would say for most of it I’ve felt like Ive been in a mud pit struggling to climb out and every time I think I have successfully made it out I am knocked back to the bottom.

I’d like to share with all of you that I am not suicidal. My son has been the greatest blessing life has ever given and the day he came into my life suicide was no longer an option that I could I ever think about considering.

This is getting long and my brain is foggy so I’m not even sure if I’ve put coherent thoughts together and I’m not even sure why I’ve written this. I guess after reading everything all of you have shared it feels like a safe place I can share my struggles without being judged.

hi maria, i understand how you are feeling. Things might be really hard but they will eventually get better. you are not alone, and i know you will eventually get through. i think understanding how you feel to has helped me a bit as well

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About Me

My name is Ken Wert, the founder of M2bH. My purpose here is to teach you how to live a richer life of greater purpose and meaning, of mind-blowing possibility and deeper, more soul-satisfying happiness than you ever dreamt was possible. Join us on this happy adventure as you learn how to unlock your hidden potential to enjoy the rewards of a life well lived. Read more ...