Pages

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Homeschooling the Older Adopted Child

(Okay, I lied. This was supposed to be a post about my kitchen. Silly me, I forgot to take pictures of my kitchen today and I'm quite franklytoo tired to do so now. So, rather than get up from my comfy chair where I'm enjoying the silence of the evening and take pictures, I'm going to share this post instead. Check back tomorrow for the promised KITCHEN post!)

I don't always give my opinion on my blog. Hmmm, well, maybe in a round-about way I do? :) In any case, I'm going to share my opinion tonight, on the subject of older adopted children and their education.

You can disagree with me if you want. I'm good with that. This is what I think, based on my experience and maybe your experience has given you a differing opinion. No problem.

I think older adopted children should be homeschooled.

There. I said it.
Now for why I think this way. First off, let me say that I love homeschooling, was homeschooled from 7th grade and up and have homeschooled all of my children from the beginning, with the intention of homeschooling them until graduation. That being said, I am not anti other forms of education, nor am I naive enough to think that parents can only do a good job if they are homeschooling parents. (Case in point---my husband, who was public-school educated and is, in my not so humble opinion, a perfect man. :))

Homeschooling Johanna wasn't even an option. That's just the way we educate our children, so naturally I would homeschool any adopted children.

Having had her in our home for 7 months now, I can say with absolute certainty that we would NOT be where we are with attachment and bonding had we put her in school.

You see, Johanna came to us completely peer-dependant. As in, 100% peer-dependant. And did I mention she was peer-dependant???

This means that she had NO problem lying, cheating, decieving, manipulating, and avoiding adult interaction. She was most comfortable with our children. Hugging, snuggling, touching, and opening up emotionally to adults was not even on her radar. She didn't even cry for weeks after she joined our family because she knew how to control her emotions so fully and how to hide her feelings from adults.

Teaching Johanna what it means to be a daughter and sister takes time. An immense amount of time. Time I would NOT have if she was gone 8-10 hours a day.

Being home all day (and having very limited time with anyone outside our family) has forced Johanna to open up to Brent and me. She is removed from her peers (who, for her entire life, met every emotional need she had!) and becoming parent-dependant, the way it should have been from the moment of her birth.

She is learning to open up to me and accept (and even crave and ask for!) my affection. In a way, because she is home, she has no choice but to grow closer to me. We cannot recreate her birth and begin bonding from infanthood like we would like to, but we CAN learn each other intimately.

I am convinced that if we had put her in school, it would just have transferred her peer-dependancy from the orphanage to her school. If she had bonded with an adult, it probably would have been a teacher. She could have kept us at arms-reach and continued the unhealthy dependance on her friends for her security. There would have never been the hour-long holding sessions in the middle of Math or the necessary discipline action during our lunch break.

Instead, we are seeing a depth to our bond that is amazing. Letting us IN is hard for Johanna, and she's honest about it. Just this week we had a long period of crying/holding/talking where she told me that sometimes she starts to feel so happy when we hug that she pushes me away so she doesn't start crying. (She cries almost daily now, working through so many of her losses, emotions and feelings.)

Books on attachment and adoption mostly highlight how to bond with a young child. It's a whole 'nuther ballgame with an older child, although many of the processes are the same.

Johanna is working through the stages of childhood now, and I firmly believe that she needs to be daily, hourly, consistently close enough for me to help her through them.

And that is why I think the older adopted child should be homeschooled.

You can throw the tomatoes now. Only don't hit my kitchen, cause I need it clean enough to take pictures of it tomorrow! :)

22 comments:

Thank you for this GREAT post! Since I'm adopting a nearly 14 yr. old this Sept., I've been scouring the bloggy world to see what has worked for other families. Homeschool seems to be the best solution. I'm presently homeschooling my 8 yr. old who I adopted nearly one year ago.

You said: "Books on attachment and adoption mostly highlight how to bond with a young child. It's a whole 'nuther ballgame with an older child, although many of the processes are the same."

Can you elaborate, please? Though my daughter was 7 at the time of adoption, she was very tiny and it made things very easy. I could hold her, carry her in my arms and in an ergo, etc... There were some things that I've kept private that might seem strange to those not familiar with older child adoption and that's what I think you are referring to, but it's what I really need to know. If you aren't comfortable blogging about it, can you email me?

Most moms, of course, want to be as prepared as possible, but I feel that there is some vital information that I still need that isn't found in books or classes on adoption because the arena of teen adoption of children raised in orphanages is still very new.

Like you, I believe in keeping them within the family, like one would a newborn baby. I never thought of a child being "peer dependent" before, but it does make perfect sense and my social worker was astute enough during our homestudy visit to mention that much of my daughter's identity may be tied up in her relationships with other children or even the fact that she likes to help with the babies, especially ill ones. If there aren't any babies to help out with, she will have to turn to someone/something else for satisfaction, hopefully, me.

Her file also says that, while she tries hard in school, she has trouble grasping knowledge and is an average student. This could mean many things, but my gut feeling is that the way she's being taught isn't her best learning method and/or the information isn't anything she can relate to in her daily life.

Educationally, what was your daughter doing in China before her adoption? Have you started academic studies for her yet at home? With my current daughter, just learning about being in a family and learning English was plenty to work on for several months. Did you find this with your daughter, too? There is so much I'd love to talk to you about!

Wonderful post, Selina. I agree with you even though I haven't yet walked through bringing home an older child. At fourteen, a child has lived so many long years in another environment. It would seem to me that time is short for bonding. I also agree that older children thrive at home with their families, and do not need so much time with peers in their teenage years. I think when you completely take them out of that peer group environment, you just eliminate a lot of unnecessary issues and allow much more time for bonding. I also read that often children who are adopted when they are older are frequently not ready to leave the house at 18 or 19 because they feel like they have only just arrived and really need mo time with there families. I would think that being homeschooled would offer a great head start in bonding. Blessings to you, Selina, as you press on loving and parenting all your little ones! :)

You hit the nail on the head with the peer-dependency. I am reading a book (and reviewing it on my blog) about this very subject. While the book is not targeted towards adopted kids, it certainly applies to older adopted kids. It gives some great ideas on how to connect/attach to our older adopted kids.

I agree 100%! Our daughter was 10 months at adoption. Putting a child in day care is the same as an orphanage. I know one mother who adopted with us 5 years ago and she still does not think her daughter has attached. WHY??? Because she cam home and stuck her in daycare. Our daughter is very advanced, very well adjusted because she is at home and not forced out into the world. Homeschooling is WONDERFUL! No matter what the age. I recommend BJU Press distance learning, WONDERFUL Christian curriculum. We are very pleased with it. I think an older child would be prone to try to fit in with the school kids and be more at risk for smoking, drinking, etc to be one of the crowd. Too much for an emotionally fragile child who is trying to learn the language and culture, and family life.

Okay, I am not going to throw tomatoes but would llke to share 'our story". We adopted our son at the age of 4 with known and unknown special needs and in my heart I believed the same as you all and planned to homeschool him along with his older sister who had been adopted at 11mo. I am a stay at home mom and I truely did stay home with him his first year and work on that attachment - it is still coming, but we also have the challenge of autism. Our son can hear, but he does not speak - our family is learning sign, he is also gets on cycles or periods of self injury. These about wipe our family out phycially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It is a very draining thing to live with. We made the decision to enroll our son in public school (something I had never done with a kindergartener before!) and he is flourishing! He can read and write, he loves school and the structure of it. His aide is a Christian and for us it has been the best solution. Not the one I dreamed of or would ever wish on anyone else, but sometimes it is the solution that is best for the child and the rest of the family. I continue to homeschool our daughter and this is her time with mommy. When her brother comes home he requires 100%. Just another perspective.. and I agree with you on the choice that you have made with your daughter but that doesn't work for everyone.

Kippi, I agree with you! I homeschooled our three sons most of their lives. They were in highschool when we adopted a 6 yr old girl from another country. It was my full intention to homeschool her. But based on her educational and emotional needs, we ended up discovering that she learned better from another teacher and it was better for me to focus on only wearing the mom hat. Her first year she would have 5 full-blown tantrum meltdowns at home per day (minimally). These were exhausting. She began going to a half day program 8-1, and then had afternoons and evenings with me...where my only job with her was to be mom and her to learn to be daughter. Perfect! She has been with us 6 years now and is doing well. She has been in school and has had an excellent team of teachers and resource teachers working with her. We have come to a point in time where she will need to be homeschooled this coming year, but I think she is ready for it. One thing we have to be careful about when adopting kids from another country and out of an orphanage is that we are turning their world and all they know upside down. We basically throw out the language and culture (no matter how hard we try to include elements of it). If they were in an orphanage or school, they were used to be around children 24/7. Our daughter thrived on being able to interact with children her age and even babies (none of which were in our home of high-schoolers). Imagine being taken from everything familiar to you? It helped her tremendously to be given that back...children to interact with in a group setting like was familiar to her. And, it gave me the ability to focus on bonding with her as mom...and not having to be teacher.

Kippi, I agree with you! I homeschooled our three sons most of their lives. They were in highschool when we adopted a 6 yr old girl from another country. It was my full intention to homeschool her. But based on her educational and emotional needs, we ended up discovering that she learned better from another teacher and it was better for me to focus on only wearing the mom hat. Her first year she would have 5 full-blown tantrum meltdowns at home per day (minimally). These were exhausting. She began going to a half day program 8-1, and then had afternoons and evenings with me...where my only job with her was to be mom and her to learn to be daughter. Perfect! She has been with us 6 years now and is doing well. She has been in school and has had an excellent team of teachers and resource teachers working with her. We have come to a point in time where she will need to be homeschooled this coming year, but I think she is ready for it. One thing we have to be careful about when adopting kids from another country and out of an orphanage is that we are turning their world and all they know upside down. We basically throw out the language and culture (no matter how hard we try to include elements of it). If they were in an orphanage or school, they were used to be around children 24/7. Our daughter thrived on being able to interact with children her age and even babies (none of which were in our home of high-schoolers). Imagine being taken from everything familiar to you? It helped her tremendously to be given that back...children to interact with in a group setting like was familiar to her. And, it gave me the ability to focus on bonding with her as mom...and not having to be teacher.

That said...here's a link to an article I wrote regarding the pros and cons of homeschooling the older adopted child. http://theeducationcafe.wordpress.com/2013/02/06/5-pros-and-cons-for-homeschooling-older-adopted-children/

No tomatoes here, but our daughter has thrived at school and bonded with us in a very healthy (gradual) way since coming home last summer. She knew the love of a family in China and so we knew she could learn to trust us, and she has absolutely blossomed while being grafted into our family in a way that only God could orchestrate. I would keep her home in a minute if we thought that would be best for her-- sure sounds like that is the case for sweet Johanna. Thanking God that both of our girls are getting what they need, and thankful that He enables us to do what's best for our kids, even when it doesn't make sense to others.

Did Johanna attend school in China? While I think it is great you homeschool, I also think that attending school (public or a private Christian school)is important for children to learn to submit and respect other adults. I read here that you also keep your children with you during services so they aren't in Sunday school during church either. If you home school and keep your children with you during church, at what point do they ever learn from other authority figures? Perhaps you have your children in AWANA or scouting that you haven't mentioned or have extended family that your children spend lots of time with but it's just something I think is important. Those that homeschool and homechurch can be come very insular and that's not a healthy balance either. Either way, I think it is great that you are able to meet the needs of your family emotionally and educationally.

Yes, Johanna was in school in China. She is considerably behind academically, so I don't know that they put that much "into" her, so to speak.

When I said that our children sat with us in church, I was referring to the worship services. They did attend Sunday School and the Wednesday evening "club" classes. (although, we're looking for a new church right now, so they're not in the "club" class right now.)

I do understand your concern for being too "secluded". Time won't allow me to elaborate my feelings on that right here and now. Perhpas in a blog post soon?

I will say, though, that as a Christian, I don't see any commands in Scripture for my children to "learn to submit and respect other adults". I'm not saying I have a problem with them learning to do so, just that I don't find it to be a scriptural mandate.

In my adopted girls' case, we're still very much in the bonding stages with all three girls, so no, I don't want them learning anything from other adults just yet. They need a healthy dependance on parents (like our bio children had by the time they were 18 months or so) and THEN they can learn a healthy respect for other adults.

Speaking as a mom who is homeschooling her two young kids and as a daughter who was home schooled all the way through high school; I have to say that I agree with Selina. I did go to Sunday school classes, but we often stayed in with my parents as well. Watching the society today and the kids lack of respect for elders and their parents; I have to say that I think keeping your kids under your watchful eye for as long as possible will promote respect for authority. What greater authority does a child have than their parents. If you teach your children to respect you and in turn respect others when you are around them; they will learn proper respect for their authorities. Watching public schooled kids and many private schooled as well, I am not impressed with their respect for authorities. Putting a kid in a classroom with 30 other kids and one adult does not mean that my child will learn respect for authorities. If anything what they will learn is that it's cool and fun to be disrespectful; until you get caught. True respect is something taught by a parent to their child; respect that has to be earned!

I have adopted older children and I am with you. In 2 years my 9 year old son is already caught up with his peers, if not surpassed some. I have a 7 year that we just brought home that was very emotionally unattached and quiet. In the past 3 months he has become a loving sweetheart and a chatterbox. I love homeschooling my kids (all 3 are adopted) but the hardest thing to teach them is how to be a family.

Could you elaborate on your day with her when you first started homeschooling. We just returned home with our 12 year old Ukrainian blessing and it is summer. I have homeschooled for 9 years, going on 10 and all 3 of mine are in a hybrid now 2 days a week. He is going to go a schoold specifically for ESL students from 9-12 and then home with us for the rest of the day. I am trying to figure out what exaclty I want to do with him in the afternoon. They will work on reading, math, and language. Any suggestions appreciated. THANKS!

We brought home a 14 yo boy from China 3 months ago. He is our only (living) child. He was very social in the SWI and was a member of a performance troupe there. School for him was a nightmare we quickly learned through interpreting his miming and fantastic artwork about school. I googled with his Chinese name in characters and found a message board on baidu.com nominating him the dumbest kid in school. Through social media I have found the meiguo mama of several of his SWI/school mates who told me that ALL he ever did in school was sleep. (he has some hearing loss and probably couldn't hear). At first he was moved up front, then to the back because he was distracting. When he was awake, he was drawing (and he's fantastic at it). He was terrified of ANY adults.

We started attending the Mandarin Baptist church where we live. Most of the congregants are int'l college students. He is everybody's little nephew. He refuses to speak to the boy his age there (but that kid is in AP high school classes after being here 1 year. His parents in China are paying for him to be here).

He is in ELL 2-3 hours/day. His teachers are all female and all about my age and being in school (and at the Mandarin church) is teaching him to trust adults. He doesn't have much interaction with other kids. We were able to go to a local HS co op because he is only in school 4 hours a day, but I cut him off from the boy he'd grown close to because that boy has some mental health issues/rage issues his mother shared with me). I'm not exactly sure what they are doing because he has less than a 2nd grade math level, so his ELL teacher is also doing math with him. He sees the math teacher a couple days a week. He's in Advanced Art and loves it. He spent several nights before Winter Break making peppermint bark etc for his new friends. I don't think he's *learning* much at school, but I am glad he is there. I am a single parent until 9-10PM during the week and quite honestly, I need a break because I am very hands on with my son when he comes home from school.

Going forward IDK what we will do. At the HS level they throw all kids in the same class and if you can't hack it with "modifications", you are just out of luck. You'll be passed on your effort, but if you can't pass the required tests, you don't get your high school diploma.

We are applying for a district transfer to the magnet arts high school. The principal has already told me they will waive the 3 essays required for admittance (and most of the foreign students are LIMITED English Vietnamese kids). If he doesn't get accepted there, I don't think we will throw him to the wolves of the local public HS. We are dead flat broke from the adoption, so private school isn't an option. LaoLao is paying for tumbling/gymnastics twice a week which he LOVES.

I have had some UGLY conversations with the ELL director for the district regarding appropriate education and even testing because if he had such a low math level, how literate is he in Mandarin???? I have no problem keeping him in public 8th grade right now because I can force the district to use my tax money to test him. The ELL director went so far as to lay a guilt trip on me at a meeting with 10 people about how many resources my son diverts from other students and how his ELL teacher no longer gets a lunch because of him. Bummer, man.... I drop in there frequently to see what they are doing to know what to do at home.

I love how even though he's still at less than 100 spoken words of English, he is excited to tell me about his day (We speak Manglish and charades!). I didnt want him at school over lunch because he won't eat the food and lunch would be an opportunity for bullying etc. We do Rosetta Stone and ixlmath.com in the PM.

I tried posting the following reply to kippi above, but it never said comment awaiting moderation so I'm not sure it went through. I'll try again here. Thanks

Kippi, I agree with you! I homeschooled our three sons most of their lives. They were in highschool when we adopted a 6 yr old girl from another country. It was my full intention to homeschool her. But based on her educational and emotional needs, we ended up discovering that she learned better from another teacher and it was better for me to focus on only wearing the mom hat. Her first year she would have 5 full-blown tantrum meltdowns at home per day (minimally). These were exhausting. She began going to a half day program 8-1, and then had afternoons and evenings with me...where my only job with her was to be mom and her to learn to be daughter. Perfect! She has been with us 6 years now and is doing well. She has been in school and has had an excellent team of teachers and resource teachers working with her. We have come to a point in time where she will need to be homeschooled this coming year, but I think she is ready for it. One thing we have to be careful about when adopting kids from another country and out of an orphanage is that we are turning their world and all they know upside down. We basically throw out the language and culture (no matter how hard we try to include elements of it). If they were in an orphanage or school, they were used to be around children 24/7. Our daughter thrived on being able to interact with children her age and even babies (none of which were in our home of high-schoolers). Imagine being taken from everything familiar to you? It helped her tremendously to be given that back...children to interact with in a group setting like was familiar to her. And, it gave me the ability to focus on bonding with her as mom...and not having to be teacher.Blessings,Delana

Hello! A research on homeschooling the older adoptive children brought me to your post and our church, Community Baptist Church are newly supporting you! We were so blessed to have you and your family at our church a while back. I loved hearing your story, especially Johanna's story. I am a home educator myself (was a public Special Education Teacher at first) and a home school consultant/evaluator. I have had the priviledge to help a wonderful Christian couple this past year who adopted two teenage girls from Russia. They chose to homeschool for many of the same reasons that you share here. As I spoke to her, we totally agreed that this would be the best route for them and their new family. It was so nice to read your "take" on this sensitive subject. Their homeschooling is providing positive bonding and so much more. It does take time and so many things need to be worked on with much guidance from the Lord and much praying. Thank you for sharing this topic and I'm so glad I ran across it. We are praying for you and your family!

Selina

About This Blog

I am a daughter of the KING, wife to my beloved husband, Momma to our eight treasures, and missionary to SouthAfrica.

Brent and I are currently raising financial support so we can move our family to South Africa and begin an orphanministry. We live full-time in a 35 ft travel trailer (quite the adventure with so many of us!). Please pray that we can raise the needed funds quickly so we can fulfill the calling God has placed on our lives.

The purpose of this blog is two-fold: to record the journey the Lord is taking our family on AND to offer encouragement to others on the same journey. I blog most often about family,adoption/orphan care, and parenting our large bunch (including our virtual triplets!).