Tag: reality

So this may be chemically altered, but it is fabulous that my head is able to concentrate on other things than the past. There is so much ability, that I am a bit like an excitable puppy running around from one thing to the other, not being able to focus for long because I just have so much to do and get done.

However, there is the fatigue, oh the fatigue, I have been in bed all day. Guaranteed I am not going to sleep until the early hours but even with 10 hours, I am struggling to move.

A way I can describe how my brain feels is when I first got drunk and I couldn’t remember a thing about the memories. I can stare at the trees and it is peaceful.

My support network is very strong, the strongest it has been. My trip to the hospital brought a lot of things into light and it has taken a great deal of conversation to get everyone understanding what is going on. It is also amazing that I am not being viewed a psycho or crazy person, and there is patience that is being practised.

I have to admit it is difficult to explain to my parents the trap I fell into, and it was very surreal when it became real that what I went through was a crime and that these men were not my friends or being nice to me out of the kindest of their hearts.

But I am able to get up without wanting it to be over, and I am able to see some light in the distance. The medication has me restless and up and down but overall, I am smiling and I have my fight back, I am just starting out this path to finding who I am away from what defined me.

My previous posts have been written when I was in a secondary state in which my brain tends to start winning that battle over me.

On Sunday, I made the decision that I couldn’t continue this fight without assistance. After 5 hours and a trip to be psychiatrically assessed, I am now back on medication to stable my mood. After years of refusing to ever need medication again, I am at peace with my decision and very proud of myself for sticking through it.
I am less stressed in regard to sleeping now, I can’t say if it is the medication kicking in, or if it’s the knowledge I am safe.

I would like to again address a few things that have happened specifically on this blog. Whilst I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion, I kindly ask for no one to judge characters in my life, this is unfair to all involved.
I am writing this blog to raise awareness to the reality of mental illness and the journey I am undertaking to get better. I am not writing this to paint people in bad lights, and I hope I have made it clear that I have no hatred for anyone that cannot handle the seriousness of my problems, even I can’t do it.

In the positives that have come from this hell weekend, is that I know now how supportive my, network of friends are and there is no judgement, only support. I have also realised I have helped others in their times of need without even knowing. I go by the motto that to do to others what you wish others to do for you. Following this, I believe that life doesn’t provide us with space to hold grudges and hold onto negative thoughts. Instead, I will let the negativity go as I move my life away from the source of such negativity and continue my own goals and journey.

For anyone that reads this and is in a dark place, there is light, that is a promise. People are willing to help. It takes courage and bravery for you to be continuing your fight. Reach out and there will be support, there are useful website links on my page as well. And remember that I am proud of you for sticking with it.

I am not angry with anyone or blaming anyone for being unable to be there 24/7. This person has been with me throughout every episode I have had this year and there have been many. I think everyone is allowed to say that they can’t cope and it should be a respected decision. It was only more difficult for me as I had solely relied on one person when I was low, and the removal of this showed the cracks in the way I have been dealing with things.

This has made me message a range of friends and reach out to them that I needed their support. What I got back were messages of love and much-needed support. I also was in a way made to talk to my mum about how I have been feeling as I didn’t have that one person to go to.

Everyone in my life are people of sunshine and rainbows. I have trouble trusting so everyone has gone through months of me sussing them out to how close I allow them to come to me.

Thank you all for likes, comments and advice, just needed to clarify that I am not trying to paint anyone in a bad light and I fully respect everyone’s personal decisions.

I never knew a human tear duct had the ability to produce so many tears in such a short time space.

This is suicide. This is the voice that is telling me the only way out is to let death take me.

This is the voice that is explaining I will never get better, no matter how hard I work at it, I will always fail.

This is the fear that I will always be like this.

This is the anger that I wouldn’t be like this if men hadn’t abused me.

This is the sadness that I am left alone again. This is the trying to get myself through the days when I wake up suicidal. This is the exhaustion that is caused due to the fear of sleeping. This is the worrying that my education is going to be jeopardised if I go book myself into the hospital as a suicidal case. This is the fear that once I admit my thought process I will be treated as a sub-human with no choice on what I want to happen.

I have been asking out loud for someone to just end it all for me. I have admitted that they have won and I am exhausted from trying. I have been keeping myself quiet because I don’t want to continue hurting people.

This is the constant state of panic that I thought I had the answer to deal with. Yet people think that you need alone time to focus on yourself and get better. We don’t need alone time. We need support and care. I feel so feeble, like a baby bird who doesn’t know how to fly, yet I jumped.

This blog is for awareness, not for romanticism. This is the stark truth of having your brain want to kill you and you have no way out anymore.

This is the second day that I have been urgently wanting medication to sort the chemical imbalance out. I would have known how to deal with it before, but I have no tactics that I can use anymore.There was no plan B because I thought plan A was invincible. Now I understand that it is wrong to rely on people. There is no blame. Just wish I knew plan B is always needed when something as fragile as death is being messed around with.

I lost myself in the attempt to seek help. Now I have everything on the highest level of pain and zero morphine.

This is my want to be productive and get on with things. This is inability to do so.