This is actually brilliant. Some quotes for those who don't want to read through all of it...

Any inspection, test drive, pretend flight is more thanwelcome. If you dont want to drive it you can just sit in the drivers seatand I can make engines noises but there will be an additional fee for this.

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It is with great sadness that this morning I must inform you that the mint green ford focus has been poo'd on by a bird. I have had a quick look around the*neighbourhood*and there was 2-3 birds that looked a bit guilty, I have issued them with verbal warnings but on this*occasion I am not prepared to perform DNA testing.*

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My sincere apologies, I should have made this clear from the very beginning to avoid any doubt in your minds. I am pleased to confirm that you can easily fit 3*tins*of Heinz Baked beans and 1 bottle of cheap aftershave on the dashboard. None of these are included in the sale of the mint green ford focus but I will allow you a spray of the aftershave, if I think you have sprayed more than is fair I will have to rub my face against you to reclaim some of the aftershave. I have not been able to test (due to laziness on my behalf) if an expensive bottle of aftershave would squeeze on to the dash but I suspect not.

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Good news! The Focus is still driving awesome, I just took it for a spin in to town to pay a bill that I really didnt want to pay. *I popped in to Dominos to try one of there sub sandwiches, the bloke said it would take 10 mins he must be new because it only took 5 mins but I*didn't*say anything. Sorry but I ate it in the car which now smells a bit of peperoni but I can fix that, it did that thing that pizzas do you know when its really hot but you try and nibble at it anyway then a bit of cheese and a piece of peperoni slides out and sticks to your chin. Its left a red burn on my chin that looks a bit like the sun emerging from behind a pyramid, its quite arty really. I used my free can of coke to try and cool the burn a bit, that was useless. Any way the sub was a let down unlike the focus. Why*haven't*you bid yet?

#99 | Roaring Pipes Maniacs

If your business meeting was for more than 2 people then some of the participants may have to hold their drinks, they might whinge a bit because of this but just remind them that in some parts of the world they haven’t even invented drinks yet.

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I valeted the car so it’s looking good and smells divine – you might want to lick it but I recommend against this since some of the cleaning products I use are bad for tongues.

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The windows are unbroken glass, have no chips and critically are transparent unlike bricks which are not often used as a window making material

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Sorry, the free cardboard box is no longer available. I used it to make a Flux Capacitor

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Good news though, my pal was let off with a caution after his dog attempted to hump an old lady that collapsed recently

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Did I mention this car has a leather steering wheel? Probably not suitable for vegetarians - not sure? I dont speak vegetarian so cant ask one.

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I once hid 2 sachets of brown sauce in his wallet and then forgot about it for at least 2 months until he called me from work saying words that would kill a nun instantly