Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): [talking Groucho into walking on the ceiling with her special shoes]But it’s so easy. The bottom of your shoe creates a suction that holds you up in the ceiling.J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): No, no, I’d rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.

J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): I don’t know what I’m doing here, when I could be at home in bed with a hot toddy.Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Huh?
J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho) : That’s a drink!

Antonio Pirelli (Chico): If you please, Mistah Carter?
John Carter: What do you want?Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Can I have a month off next August?
John Carter: What for?Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Well, you see, my lawyer, he got-a me a divorce, and one month every year I win the custody of my wife’s parents.

J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Ah ah! Bad luck, three on a midget!

Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): [referring to the seating arrangements at an upcoming dinner] the judge shall sit on my left hand, and you [turning to Groucho] shall sit on my right.J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): How will you eat? Through a tube?

Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): Perhaps you’ll think I’m forward, but last night, when I first saw you,J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): And slammed the door in my face.Peerless Pauline (Eve Arden): I realized that you were the man I’ve been dreaming of.J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): What do you eat before going to bed?

Peerless Pauline: Oh, but, you don’t have to go right now, do you?J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Well, there’s nothing to keep me here that I can see, from this angle.
Peerless Pauline: But, we, we hardly know each other. I can be very entertaining if I want to be.J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): [Speaking directly to the camera] There must be some way of getting that money without getting in trouble with the Hays Office. [Speaking to Pauline] Will you walk on your hands?

[shortly after Goliath and Punchy walked into the big top, an announcer mentions that Goliath is to catch three one-hundred pound cannon balls, one at a time and Punchy lights three cannons one at a time toward Goliath. The first and third cannon fuses function correctly. After Goliath caught first cannonball second cannon’s fuse faltered, Goliath then claps his hands twice, motioning for Punchy, to light the third cannon. After Goliath successfully caught the first and third cannon balls, he then turn around accepting the applause. As Goliath is turned around, accepting the applause, the second cannon ball goes off and its cannonball popped Goliath, in his rear end! Then the crowd starts laughing extremely loud! Goliath, after being “popped in his rear”, is so exasperated that he throws his barbell at Punchy]
Goliath: Why, I’ll fix you!
[When Punchy is hit by the Goliath’s barbell, only his head appears, above the ground]

Little Professor Atom: What do you want?Antonio Pirelli (Chico): Oh, sure, we come in if you insist.
Little Professor Atom: Is this a friend of yours?Antonio Pirelli (Chico): I should say not, he’s a lawyer.

J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): No thanks, I’ll sit this one out. I’m just an old groundhog. I shouldn’t even be out until February.

Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Now, be sure; when the Normandy docks tomorrow in New York, the Jardinet and his entire orchestra come directly here.J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): This bedroom will be awfully crowded.

Antonio Pirelli (Chico): [Talking to ‘Punchy’ in the train’s sleeper car] How can you fall asleep? Oh, you count-a sheep, heh? How many sheep you have to count before you fall asleep? One! Eh, you’re an insta-maniac.

J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): [Picks up phone] Operator, operator! Get me the steamship Normandy. Where is it? It’s in the water.

Captain: Why I can’t believe it.J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): But I tell you the man’s name is not Jardinet! His real name is V. T. O’Connor.
Captain: No there must be some mistake. Are you sure?J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): I’m positive. It’s the biggest dope ring in years and Jardinet is the head dope. Now, keep him in the brig until I can dig up some more dope. This is Operator 77B signing off. That is all.

Jardinet: I cross the ocean! I am called a dope ring! I race on a train, when I get here, what do I find? Animals. Animals!Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Animals?J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): Animals! Mrs. Dukesbury’s friends are my friends!

Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Now, I know you will all be thrilled. Jardinet’s opening number will be Beethoven’s somber, spiritual first movement of his second concerto, album three, opus four…J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): And number five on the Hit Parade.

Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): You, monster. You’re responsible this disgrace!J. Cheever Loophole (Groucho): That’s gratitude for you. Most men get their sweethearts one ring for an engagement. I got you three rings!Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): A circus! I’ll be a laughing stock.

Mrs. Suzannah Dukesbury (Margaret Dumont): Get me out of this cannon! Get me out of this cannon! Please, get me out of this cannon!