Friday, January 14, 2011

I was scrolling through the national geographic news and came across this disturbing image that will no doubt haunt my dreams tonight. Lets start with the facial area shall we? Now I am not one to be rude or point out obvious malfunctions, but what the frick kind of nose is that? to what scientific biological purpose would it serve to have a honker like that?....literally While we are in the vicinity please for the love of the animal kingdom, why is this evil spawn smiling?! Is it me or is it seriously smiling? All I can think of is he is saying to himself..."yeah keep looking at me with amazement....gaze into my eyes while I suck out your soul. watch as I flutter my large tooting nostrils...hypnotizing you with each flap..... I will rule the world soon and you will all bow to me". And wait.... are those horns?! ok maybe they are ears....but they resemble the horns of a certain you know who that lives in a place I will certainly not be going some day.... cuz I am sweet and innocent of course, anyhoo I am convinced this is an actual real life minion from the bowels of hell. I hate national geographic for making me look at this thing, which of course is why I had to share it all with you. I'm not going to be the only one double checking under my bed and in my closet tonight. toodles

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

So, the new year brings more than sure to be neglected resolutions for Arkansas. The people of Arkansas woke up to dead fish and dead birds, in the thousands. I'm sorry does anyone else but me find that a bit on the odd side? So the explanation so far is lightning or fireworks. I have a problem with that and here it is.....why would lightning or fireworks be selective in it's damnation? You see only one species of bird and one species of fish were killed. So the lightning randomly selected only blackbirds to fall dead from the sky, and of all the fish in the river, only one kind go belly up?I am not sure what kind of shenanigans or goings on there in Arkansas to bring about such apocalyptic sings, but I am damn sure I wouldn't stick around to find out. For the love of chicken little, someone do something! I mean whats next, waking up to dead frogs or squirrels littering the neighborhoods? Seriously, I don't care what the scientists or biologists say about this...... it can't be good. And for the people in Arkansas, good luck with that........

Monday, July 19, 2010

I heard they are remaking yet another popular eighties show, Wonder Woman! And since it's been a sufficient amount of time that has lapsed since my "incident", I can share with you why I feel I deserve said role. After all I can safely say my friends have known me long enough and have plenty to laugh at without making me feel dumb about a stupid little childhood incident.....right?It's 1982 and I seriously think all the cool shows like the Hulk, wonder woman, and the Justice league were more fun than playing outside. Yes i said that....why? because back then kids actually played outside....all day. Our imagination was in abundance, and never did we say we were 'bored'. Those were the days, and being a twin made it even better. I mean how convenient it was to have a partner in crime! One of our favorite things to do was dress up and run around as our favorite super hero, and yes we did play the role of the "Wonder twins" but I hated always getting stuck having to be the one that turned into a bucket of water.My most favorite role was Wonder Woman. With her cool gold cuffs and boots, and don't forget her lasso! Now granted I could not replicate her massive breasts....although I'm not gonna lie....I did try. Nothing could express my pure excitement in my soul when Fruit of the Loom came out with "underroos". Seriously I thought I was actually Wonder woman when I had them on, complete with a red bath towel draped on my back...worn proudly. The only time it was ok to run around like a freak in your underwear.One day I took my role to a place I never thought possible and it's only now I can truly laugh about it, because when it happened it was serious business and not funny......at all. So, remember how wonder woman would throw her arms out and twirl flawlessly until her clothes whipped off so fast it was missed by the naked eye?Then as she slowed down, not only was her hair perfectly coiffed but complete with a crown. Then donned in her cool costume she would fight crime, I mean what was cooler than that!? Well I would practice this unobtainable twirl over and over and the mere fact that I did not have lasting brain damage is a miracle. I would twirl everywhere, over and over praying that my shear might would whip my clothes off and be replaced with gold shorts and bullet proof bust. I took this madness to the shower one day and sadly it was not successful like I hoped. I am not sure what possessed me to begin the flailing...I mean twirling in a cool fashion, but I soon realized the shower was not the place for super heroness to happen. As I twirled, my wet arms began to gather the shower curtain and all of a sudden I was entwined in a plastic cocoon, totally hindering the process of me becoming wonder woman. Before I could stop, I began to fall, viciously ripping the curtain down with me. As if the sure beating I would receive by my mother was enough punishment, the bathroom door that once concealed my secret attempt at heroness, was whipped open by my mother. This of course was topped off by my brother and his friend standing there to witness me on the floor wrapped up like a burrito. For the love of Lynda Carter, if I could only have Superman's heat lazer eyes to disintegrate them to prevent further blackmail attempts! Well I am pretty sure I let down Lynda Carter that day, along with Every little girl in the world...at least that's how I felt. My mother was actually not as pissed as I would expect, due to the fact I gave her something to laugh at for a few days.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

For the love of Downy, why does dirty laundry multiply like rabbits on crack?! I have an idea why don't we send all our dirty laundry to the criminals in jail to do for us? I mean really all they do is play basketball and work out. Shouldn't they NOT be doing something fun? I say all the people out there with dirty laundry piling up rally for the prisoners to stop making license plates and do our laundry. I mean wash and properly fold and separate into proper little piles of washed fluffy goodness. Then on the way home from work we can all drive up to a little convenient window and pick up said laundry bundles.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

1. Do not under any circumstances wear spandex….ever. I’m serious, there is not a woman alive that wants to see you in that, EVER…….please for the love of sight, keep that for home use only.

2. Please wear pants that cover your ENTIRE ass not just the bottom part, but the top crack part as well. No one wants to see a hairy A- hole on their way to work, and it can’t possibly be comfortable.

3. If you insist on riding with traffic, then do not get in the way, after all you are worth at least 20 points. God help you if you get in the way of someone frantically trying to get home to the toilet, turtleing will only improve your chances of getting hit or run off the road.

4. Make sure every part you have a current use for, is secured appropriately, important objects are known to get stuck in the spokes of the wheels. Also, important appendages do not fare well when you run over a pot hole. According to my brother it hurts when a nut randomly gets free and is unintentionally sat on.

5. If you insist on all the fancy gadgets and latest trends for your bike, then make sure they do not hamper the functions of the bike. We all will laugh watching you wobble uncontrollably as you are furiously trying to set your pedometer or fan speed.

6. Last but not least, DO continue to think you are cool by riding your bike without utilizing your arms and hands. Leaning back with your arms to the side displaying your apparent Godly skills, can only lead to tears, tears of laughter for all of us driving along innocently. We know the chances of you hitting a pothole or the handlebars suddenly jerking to one side, are greatly in our favor and everyone can use a good laugh or two.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ummmm....just a little tip I thought I would pass on. Be careful of your movie selection for your family's movie night. I have been working hard and going back to school and I have a few days off, so I thought it would be great for our family to bond and have a movie night. Much cheaper than going out, anyway I told my husband to bring home the movie, The Knowing. I said, "oh I think that was the movie that had a cool trailer, that should be good, get that one" So we all sat down and of course my 2 girls had to start fighting....again, so I screamed "we are going to have a family night God dammit, now sit down!" Well, we sat down to a movie of death and the destruction of all human kind......enough saidand wow

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I'm afraid, due to school and work, I must recycle an old post sorry! please enjoy...again

I AM NOT SURE I CAN EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ON THIS ONE….BUT FOR MANKIND I WILL AT LEAST TRY. ONE DAY A FRIEND OF MINE SENT SOME ANIMAL PICTURES VIA EMAIL. LITTLE DID HE KNOW A CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY STRIKE FEAR AND CONFUSION INTO YOUR VERY SOUL WAS AMONG THEM.

THE MAGNITUDE OF FEAR THAT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF A CREATURE OF THIS KIND CAN EXIST IN THE SAME REALM AS WE LIVE, IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOUR MIND ALONG WITH YOUR SKIN INTO A WILLIE WONKERS KIND OF TIZZIE.

MY QUESTION IS TO OUR GOVERNMENT, THE ONE THAT WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE HAS OUR BEST INTEREST ALWAYS IN HAND. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF STEVE IRWIN WERE WE NOT NOTIFIED THAT SUCH CREATURE EXISTS? WHY HAVE OUR TAXES NOT GONE TOWARDS ERADICATING ITS SPECIES FROM OUR LOVELY PLANET??

I MEAN I AM TH ROUGHLY CONVINCED THAT IT IS A DIRECT DESCENDANT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF, A MINION OF PURE EVIL. I ALSO BELIEVE IT IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN THE WORLD. SOMEHOW “IT” IS RESPONSIBLE.

NOW THAT “IT’S” IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY RETINAS FOR EVER, I CANNOT SHAKE THE FEELING THAT WHILE I AM IN BED AT NIGHT WITH THE COVERS PULLED TIGHTLY UP TO MY CHIN THAT I HEAR A “CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICK” OF “IT’S” NAILS AGAINST THE HARDWOOD FLOORS. SLOWLY IT CREEPS CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FLIP ON THE LIGHT IN A VIOLENT JERK AND OF COURSE… BECAUSE OF IT’S EVILNESS….IT’S DISAPPEARED OR BECOME INVISIBLE TO THE HUMAN EYE.

DO YOU KNOW THE FEELING YOU SOMETIMES GET THAT MAKES YOU TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU? THAT IS BECAUSE “IT” WAS THERE. “IT” WITH IT’S WIRY HAIRS AND GREENISH YELLOW EYES. IT’S LONG BONY FINGERS OUT STRETCHED TO SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.