Jan 21 20 things to never say to a grieving parent…. Unless you want a plate throwing at your head!

1. “It just wasn’t meant to be” – Funny that, it really felt like it was meant to be for the nine months I was pregnant.

2. “It’s all part of God’s plan.” Well God needs to F right off then doesn’t he.

3. “You can always try again.” Thank you Captain Obvious, we know that, but it doesn’t really change the fact that the child we love more than anything in the world has died does it.

4. “It’s probably for the best if he/she was going to be disabled.” OMFG. You utter tit.Best to keep those kinds of thoughts to yourself love. No bereaved parent will ever wanna hear that shite.

I won’t be smiling like this if anyone says any of these things to me :)

5. “I can imagine what you’re going through, my nan/dog/teacher just died.”K cool. You definitely get it then. Let’s not compare grief eh. There is probably no worse pain than the death of your child for a start but also, it’s not a competition.

6. “When are you going back to work?”When I chuffing feel like it ok! Unless you’re someone’s boss it really isn’t anything you need to concern yourself with and it’s just irritating being asked constantly.

7. “Aren’t you bored all day doing nothing?”Grief is a lot of things but never boring, trust me.

8. “Better they were stillborn than you got to know them and then they died.”FFSyou absolute moron. Dunce cap over here please.

9. “At least you know you can get pregnant now.” You should be a motivational speaker, you’re so insightful. Not helpful, especially for those who went through IVF or suffer from secondary infertility or had genetic issues. Basically just don’t say this to anyone.

10. “When you have kids you’ll understand x,y,z….”. I DO HAVE A KID YOU MUPPET. Parents whose babies sadly died are still parents to those children. It is just hurtful to dismiss them as people who aren’t parents following the loss of their baby so don’t do this! Or you really might get a plate thrown at your head.

11. “You really need to start moving on now.” Why Brenda, because you think I should? OK I will just wave my magic wand, ah there we are abracadabra! I’m cured!

12. “Be thankful you’ve got your other children.”Hardly the point now is it. Those children are also grieving their sibling too FYI.

13. “Everything happens for a reason.”Yes, yes it does. In my case the placenta failing, but you didn’t mean that did you. You just wanted to offer me an empty cliché to try and make sense of this senseless act. Sometimes shit things just happen and clichés don’t help.

14. “At least…..”Any sentence starting with the words ‘At least’ should never be spoken to a bereaved parent. I tried to look for the ‘at least’s’ too when my baby died – spoiler alert - there aren’t any.

15. “One day you’ll get over this.” Hmmm don’t think so huns. I’ve not broken up with some shitty guy that broke my heart, my child has died. I don’t think there is any getting over that.

16. “You need to start moving on now, it isn’t healthy to be wallowing like this.” – If anyone ever said this to me they would have a plasma screen TV thrown at their head never mind a plate! We might hurt slightly less in time but we will NEVER really move on from the death of our baby.

17. “You’ll get back to normal in time.” How do you know that Brenda? I think this might just be my normal now! (I don’t know who Brenda is but she sounds like a proper idiot doesn’t she?!).

18. “They’re in a better place now”.ARE THEY? I would have given my baby the best life ever.

19. “When you feel better let’s go and get smashed, that’ll cheer you up.” OK, LOL. I am pretty sure the answer to my problems isn’t at the bottom of the bottle. We could give it a try though I guess! (As long as Brenda isn’t coming, I don’t like the sound of her).

20. But by far the worst, the absolute worst thing you can do is say nothing at all to a friend or family member who is going through the agony of losing a baby. Please, just say something.

I’d love to hear any of the clangers you’ve heard! Let me know in the comments. I must note that most of these have not been said to me either. I am very fortunate to mostly have the creme de la creme of people around me.

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Friday feels! 🛁 Mindfulness comes in many forms and spending an hour in the tub with a book a few times a week and a few luxury bath products might sound simple but it does me the world of good. Anyone else want to drink my bath? 💖 .
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A year ago today we said goodbye to Billy for the last time. At 1pm we held a very small intimate funeral for our son, a task no parent should ever have to endure. I recall thinking afterwards that although the service was lovely, it was the second worst day of my life (the day I was told he’d died will always hold that award, hands down). It was a beautiful, sunny day but it could have torrentially rained all day for all I cared. I fit the soap opera stereotype of a grieving mother perfectly. Chic little black dress, huge Chanel dark sunglasses and hair in a sleek ponytail as I mustered up some serious inner strength to get through this. I clutched onto one of Billy’s teddies in one hand, my husbands with the other whilst my mom held onto my arm the whole way through. The surrealness of being inside a hearse with a tiny white coffin with your child inside still sits with me to this day. I felt dizzy and sick and just remember reading the little name plaque on the coffin over and over again trying to calm myself down. It felt like I was having an out of body experience and sometimes, it still does. I watched as my husband carried the tiny coffin in his arms to the stand, a mixture of pride and heartbreak in equal measures. No daddy should ever have to do that and no mummy should ever see it. We listened to the John Lennon song “beautiful boy” because he was. So so beautiful. ❤️ I have always loved this song, especially the line on this post. None of us could ever begin to plan for something like this, not in our worst nightmares. .
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I forgot to share this last week but here are the leaves with the babies names who were taken too soon floating away on Billy’s birthday. The intense gale force winds made this task so much fun. 😂 We managed to have a lovely day on what should have been his birthday and had a very peaceful and relaxing week in our little cottage in Wales. I held it together really well (the days running up to it were much harder) and I’ve been expecting it all to catch up on me this week and hit me hard, but it really hasn’t. I’m feeling more positive and happy than I have done in ages. I guess it’s onwards and upwards from here! 🙌🏻💙🧡⭐️ .
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September. Used to be my favourite month of the year, it’s my birthday month after all and we get to enjoy the early autumn days where we start to wear cosy clothes and enjoy pumpkin spiced lattes! But now my birthday will always be 3 days after my son’s funeral so it’s never gonna quite be the same again. It was also Billy’s actual due date on 12 September, planned C section date on 6 September and his funeral took place on 12 September so there are a lot of milestones coming up. But you know what, I’m not gonna dwell on any of these dates. I’m going to simply let them pass by without letting this month be a write off. I’m going to enjoy my birthday this year. Mr Protein said I can have WHATEVER I want for my birthday as last years was so rubbish.... I pity the fool sometimes! 😂 I’m going to enjoy this September, go for lots of autumnal walks, splurge on a new coat and pair of ankle boots and have a really great month. Last September was so utterly horrendous for us and we got through that and I’m looking forward to the rest of this year. I’m feeling so much more positive now that we’ve got the ‘first year’ done. So here’s to a fabulous September for us all! 🍁 🍁 🍁 .
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And just like that, a whole year has gone by. Billy Stardust should be one. And if he was here, I probably wouldn’t be cruel enough to label him with Stardust in his name.... or maybe I would! This year has been the hardest we’ve ever faced. How does anyone prepare for this, let alone get over this. To carry your baby to full term, have the nursery ready, own just about every baby item ever invented thanks to a very enthusiastic nanny! And then, in a puff of smoke it’s over. Over before it ever really began. A life so short has made such a big impact. .
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I’ll always miss you little one. It’ll never be right that you aren’t here. I always wonder what you’d be like now; cheeky, mischievous, beautiful. Would you be a fussy eater or a total gannet? I bet you’d laugh non-stop, your dad and I are pretty damn funny. I know you would be too. I hope you’re not causing too much mischief up there. I don’t want to hear that you’re always on heavens naughty step when I meet you there one day. Or maybe you can be as naughty as you like up there, it is heaven after all! I promise we will make up for all the cuddles we have missed out on, I’ll never let you go when we meet again. We love you so much. I’ve struggled to say happy birthday because you should be here to join the party, but just this once, happy birthday little guy. We love you more than you could ever imagine. ❤️💙 .
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Thanks for all of the messages today from our nearest and dearest and all the DMs, the support of those around us means so much and receiving so much love today has meant a lot. 😊❤️
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For Billy’s anniversary I’ve written the names of all of the babies whose parents I’ve connected with and spoken to regularly over the last year (Can’t tag everyone Instagram has a limit on the number of tags).
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Babies who like Billy were not here for long enough, whose short lives have had the biggest impact. I cried so much when I was doing this, just seeing all of these babies names together, and this isn’t even a fraction of it. There are way too many leaves on my table. Way too many hearts broken here. But there is also a lot of strength here. An ability to fight through the pain, to carry on smiling despite a broken heart. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, made me laugh and shared a bit of dark humour with me over the past year. Thank you to our babies for bringing us together. ❤️💙 I wish so much that these leaves were still on my tree and that these babies were with our families as they should be. .
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I’m going to scatter these leaves at sea in Wales on what would have been Billy’s first birthday. I hope these little ones cross paths wherever they are and see their names floating away together. 💙💙💙
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My new Billy Bear made by one of my best friends moms, the incredibly talented @thelittlecoverup (aunty Arlene to me!). What a lovely, thoughtful gift to be given at such a difficult time. I’ll treasure him forever. 💙
@thelittlecoverup not only makes these wonderful bears, but also lovely baby clothes. Check her out! .
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