"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
~ Jack London

Bookworm Challenge 2016

1.) "Pleasures of the Damned" by Charles Bukowski
2.) "Batman and Psychology" by Travis Langley
3.) "Glory O'Brien's History of the Future" by A.S. King
4.) "The Best of Batman: 50th Anniversary in Film and Television"
5.) "Tough Sh*t: Life Advice From a Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good" by Kevin Smith
6.) "Lady Midnight" by Cassandra Clare
7.) "The Killing Joke" Alan Moore
8.) "The Merciless II" by Danielle Vega
9.) All Star Batman #1, #2, #3
10.) "Batman: Year One" Frank Miller
11.) "Rebirth: Batman" & "DC Universe Rebirth: Batman"

I know it’s been a while since I have posted anything, and there’s a variety of reasons. I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. Changes, for better or worse. A torrent of good news and bad news leaving me overwhelmed. Luckily, I’ve been doing the opposite of what I typically do (which is wallowing in my own self pity while accomplishing nothing in the process.) I’ve been trying to focus on what’s best for me – for my health, for my happiness, for my future. I’ve been keeping a decent writing schedule and working on a new rough draft. I’m trying to nurture my body back into a state that I can properly function and not be quite so frequently sick. I’ve been trying to make sure that I do things to make Angel happy, instead of everyone else coming first 100% of the time.

But you know what sucks about this? I’m not used to it. And since I’m not used to treating myself a little better, it’s resulted in a mental assault on myself. Because I feel like I’m being selfish, and I don’t deserve to want what is best for me. I keep trying to push through, because I know I’m getting close to having my old self back – the version of myself that’s less broken, less corrupted. The Self I need right now. But it’s breaking through that barrier that’s tearing me apart. I know I’m almost there, but I know I’m fighting myself on it. I want to give up. Today was especially rough.

I started to doubt myself. How will I ever make it? In life? Against illness? How will I ever publish a novel? Why should I think I’ll ever sell another piece of art or get paid for another photo shoot? I’m not strong enough for this. It kept pounding in my head with each heart beat: I can’t do this.

Suddenly, I didn’t know if I could go on, period. Or if I did, if I could keep going with my life. Maybe it was time to give up on my childish dreams and finally grow up and join reality.

Until, I read this quote earlier:

“Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.” – Wentworth Miller (please see his Facebook post here)

That post, by a man I already admire, really struck me. But that quote? Oh, that quote. That fueled the fires inside me.

So my goal? Stick to my writing schedule. Crank out chapter after chapter. Continue to work hard at the things I want. Because I persist, despite all the things that want to stop me.

This is the year I get to take control back. It hasn’t been easy, and I’m sure it won’t get easier any time soon. But I will persist.

This thought came to me while I was procrastinating studying for my algebra test – would it be interesting to post some places I like to write at? So, here’s the first one: college. Specifically at this spot outside the Fine Arts building. I don’t know why, but there’s something about this place that relaxes me and let’s the creative juices flow. I’ve written an entire rough draft at this table throughout the semesters. Today it is particularly wonderful.
~Angel

Stress is a happy little erosion eating every single bit of happiness from my life. I lose sight of everything because I can’t get a grip on anything, and before I know it, life is spiraling out of my control. It’s crunch time. I don’t need this right now. And it never fails – one step forward, ten steps back. Get something handled or some good news, only to have it all followed up by a series of bad. No matter how hard I try to keep moving forward, I get kicked in the teeth and knocked on my ass.

I am tired.

After my surprise (and somewhat miserable failure) going away party for Skylar, when I was pulling into my driveway, I stopped in the field and got out of the car. Because I’m stressed, and sick, and exhausted, and honestly.. I’m just not sure what to do anymore.

And there it is. The forest. The field. The sunset. Calling me. Some desperate begging from the earth to just go. Leave. Forget everything and explore.

Obviously, I didn’t run off on some grand adventure. But I did walk around for a few minutes, taking in the quiet and letting myself calm down. I don’t feeling one-hundred percent better, but I’m not having a panic attack at least.

And it’s peaceful in the deep Cathedral where you cannot breathe No need to pray, no need to speak Now I am under all

And it’s breaking over me A thousand miles down to the sea bed Found the place to rest my head Never let me go

I really could use that vacation right now. Is it the 17th yet? Because I’d greatly like to not be Angel for a little while. Oh well. Until later,

Each way I turn, I know I’ll always try To break this circle that’s been placed around me From time to time, I find I’ve lost some need That was urgent to myself, I do believe

Life is weird. I say this a lot, actually. Sometimes because my life is being weird, sometimes because the whole world is going insane around me, and sometimes as just a gentle fact. But here it is, staring me dead in the eye, being all weird and whatnot, saying “Behold my grand symphony of destruction and creation.” I’m just supposed to sit back and survive the ride, but I’d like to actually enjoy said ride. Even if it’s crazy. Even if I think I might die with every twist and turn. I need to grit my teeth and hold on and try to enjoy it.

Tonight I think I’ll walk alone I’ll find my soul as I go home

So, one of my very best friends – Skylar – is about to leave for the army, and it’s eating me up inside. I know she’ll be back. I know it’s for the best, and I’m so proud of her for being so brave and jumping out there int0 this great wide world. But it doesn’t change the ache in my chest, and it certainly doesn’t change how much I’m going to miss her. She leaves the day before Brittaney and I head to Orlando. Then, while we are in Orlando, the anniversary of Eric’s death will roll around. It’s going to be the first time I haven’t spent the 23rd of June at the cemetery, and I’m somewhat terrified. I guess a part of me is worried he’ll be let down. I know I’m worried about how I will handle it when the day actually comes. But I know that if I stayed here, dealing with Skylar leaving, Eric’s anniversary, and the approach of Whitney’s birthday… I couldn’t handle it. Not this year. Not right now. So I need to be away. Fate gave me an opportunity and I took it. Even though there is peace when I’m alone at the graveyard with him, I know that someday I will have to leave the land of the dead and learn to hold myself up as one of the living.

Something that helps me rejoin the land of the living: Going to the zoo with my maniac friends. Hell, adventures with them in general is just.. Yeah ❤

I failed miserably at finishing my manuscript in time for my self set deadline (well, I wasn’t off by too much until work got in the way), which is why I haven’t posted really for some time. I was trying my hardest to make sure I accomplished that. But, things happen. I’ll get it done. But first, I need to finish my photo shoots with Little Red – aka Skylar – before she leaves.

Plus, I’m learning to deal with the Mysterious Sickness of Doom — erm, my bad — Sjogren’s. But explaining that is a post all it’s own.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” — Steve Jobs

Anyway, that’s all for tonight. I shall post more hopefully this week.