By 9 pm last Monday, the Milky Way’s seven lanes were thoroughly stuffed, and a faction of earlybirds clogged Lane 3 (a/k/a the bar), clutching little black pagers, ready to lose their street shoes and seize a free lane at the first beep. Their patience was rewarded by a rousing spin of Run-DMC’s “You Be Illin’ ” — courtesy of Neptune’s Mark Pearson, who despite having DJ’d only 10 times in his life was eagerly waiting to try out a certain Yaz-to-Freestyle segue he’d thought up.

An hour later, bowlers were deep into their strings, resisting the focus-shooing temptations of Project Future’s “Ray-Gun-Omics” (the world’s first electro track, notes Pearson), dealing with an unexpected press presence, and feeling the mounting pressure of the final frames — or not.

“We’re not keeping score,” said the gentleman at Lane 6. “Why do that? It just creates problems.” He then slapped his girlfriend’s ass repeatedly as she tried to line up a spare. She nonetheless picked it up.

“This is my first time bowling!” she squeed.

Others were more seasoned, or seemed to be.

“You’ve got to use the wood,” said a guy on Lane 5, referring to fallen pins. “If you’re really skilled, you can play the ball against the wood.”

“Are you talking about your balls again?” hollered a girl from his bench.

Meanwhile on Lane 10, a non-profit developer was sussing out a Half Worcester (a nasty situation where the pins appear to be missing a tooth from a ball rolled clean through) while her friend in from Colorado munched fries and sized up New England’s unfamiliar (to him) hybrid of ten-pin bowling and skee ball: “I’m hoping the more beer you have, the easier it gets.”

In the other room, the end of “Situation” slid perfectly into the first notes of “Don’t Stop the Rock” (just as forecast) and the members of Chicago’s frenetic Cacaw (one of them rocking a dope hip pack) warmed up for their late live set by dancing in a wobbly circle. The night was growing late, and two impatient dudes at a table wondered aloud whether one could run to one’s car to smoke a joint and remain within beepable range.

Wild nights I don't need to break this news to you returning LGTBTQ-folk, but for those of you just joining us in Boston, a bitter little amuse bouche to start off this otherwise super-tasty survey of our current gay-nightlife situation: our gay bars kind of suck.

J.P. to the rescue! This Tuesday, June 24, the musical mayor of JP, Rick Berlin, hosts a benefit for the victims of the earthquake in China.

Where the girls are While Boston does have a few conventional — some might say uninteresting — gay bars, it doesn’t have a designated hotspot for queer women.

52 ways to leave 2009 Your usual lackadaisical approach to New Year's Eve — just see what happens and go with the flow — is not going to cut it this year. Sure, the end of this decade may not have the same kind of new-millennium pressure riding on it as the last one, but the plunge into 2010 is a milestone nonetheless.

Rhythm queens It’s a chilly Monday afternoon, and at the head of the lawn in front of the Christian Science Center, Zili Misik are starting soundcheck, bear-hugging their instruments to keep them warm.

Sonic sculptors For more than a decade, local noise-rockers Neptune have cultivated a loyal fan base on the fringes of the Boston rock scene.

School daze The shows that Tufts University’s Oxfam Café has hosted over the past year-plus are not your typical sweat-drenched college rock shows.

Anti-Bush league It’s crucial that we maintain clarity by holding fast to simple truths — like how our president is kind of a dick.

Poni Hoax Poni Hoax are, it’s clear, out to crash the increasingly humdrum post-disco party (just with better supplies), so it’s only fair that you crash theirs.

Boston Pride Week: Off the map We may seem a little cranky, but us local gayfolk just love a parade, and we’re actually heartened by this annual influx of brothers and sisters from every state of New England and every letter of our ever-expanding acronym.

BOSTON PRIDE WEEK: OFF THE MAP | June 07, 2010 We may seem a little cranky, but us local gayfolk just love a parade, and we’re actually heartened by this annual influx of brothers and sisters from every state of New England and every letter of our ever-expanding acronym.

THE NEW GAY BARS | June 02, 2010 If I may channel the late, great Estelle Getty for a moment: picture it, Provincetown, 2009, a dashing young man with no discernible tan and an iffy T-Mobile signal languishes bored upon the sprawling patio of the Boatslip Resort.

ARIEL PINK’S HAUNTED GRAFFITI | BEFORE TODAY | June 01, 2010 If the gradual polishing of Ariel Pink’s sound — and it’s not all that much more polished — puts his loyalists at odds with his albums, I count that as good news.

MORE THAN HUMAN | May 26, 2010 It’s hard to talk about Janelle Monáe when your jaw’s fallen off.