Ho ho ho, Santa's come early with a story so juicy it counts towards one of your 5 a day! Get this, kids: a third division Italian football player claims to have been paid for sex by at least thirty footballers, around half of which are said to be "top flight" international stars.
He's known only as Victory, and he has this to say: "I have about 30 clients who are footballers and I would say that a dozen are Serie A and national team players - several times I have been asked to take part in group sex sessions. Players from the same team and my friends and it is always just for sex. They all know I am a footballer as well but they like me because I am discreet. A lot of them are bisexual, they are married or have girlfriends. They have a respectable image but none of them will ever admit to being gay, not for the time being anyway."
On the surface it might sound a little too sensational, a bit too much like the plot of a porn movie, but should only provoke a "Is anyone really surprised?" shrug from you.
It's simply common sense that some footballers are gay or bisexual, and that they'd go to any lengths to hide the fact. But at the same time, footballers are also bored, over-indulged, overgrown schoolboys with hugely inflated incomes, and egos to match. So don't hold your breath waiting for names to be named. The clubs and the players can buy anything - sex, and silence...

"I would also like to take this opportunity to squash the persistent rumours about mysterious 'disappearances' and emphasize that rural and urban areas are now enjoying a life of harmony and peace. I'm sure you're glad to hear this. And I'm happy you're glad."