Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter...

It's Easter Sunday and I am still in between. I am coming to terms with what I believe about Christ and what I want to hold onto from my youth. It isn't easy.

I know that a physical resurrection is essential to mainstream Christian teachings but I've already concluded that I don't believe in the physical resurrection of people so why would I believe this to be necessary of Christ?

I don't necessarily disbelieve either though. I recently read a wonderful book where the author stated that she believed in the possibility of everything but the conviction of nothing. That sums up pretty well where I stand right now. I believe that God, Divinity, or whatever you wish to call that which is greater than ourselves absolutely has the power to bring forth a virgin birth and a bodily resurrection but that just because He could doesn't mean He did. And in order to feel good on these holidays I have to figure out what meaning I'm going to take from these things.

I've already done a great deal of research into the historical data. It's inconclusive at best. It seems that everyone who writes on this topic has an agenda. Either they believe and their research is skewed in that direction or they don't believe and they are skewed that way instead. I think I may have found an author who attempts to strike a balance though. So, I've ordered Marcus Borg's The Last Week and The First Christmas. The reviews of these books seem to indicate that he reaches conclusions independently of historical fact, looking for the deeper meaning of the biblical stories instead. This is very exciting for me because I've found myself longing to pick up my bible but once I do unable to shake the feeling that it doesn't hold the same meaning for me that it once did. Hopefully these books are going to open up a new meaning for me that will satisfy my longing for old comforts while holding true to new beliefs.

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What am I seeking?

The short answer is, my truth. Not the truth, MY truth.

Over the last several years I've been coming to terms with the questions and doubts I've had with the 'gospel truth' pounded into me by the fundamentalist church. I grew up an odd mix of Southern Baptist and Pentacostal- washed in the blood and afraid of fire and brimstone at the same time. I went to bible school and Sunday school and always felt like a good girl when I could tell my grandmother I'd gone to church during our weekly phone calls. I liked the people, like the fun activities and as a child the inconsistencies didn't bother me- probably because it just never occured to me to question the authority of church leaders. Also because I didn't fully comprehend them.

But now I do understand- I understand that what I believe in the deepest part of myself can't coexist with what I was taught I should believe. I realize now that when I was arranging my own transportation to church as a little girl it was about more than pleasing my grandmother. I have always been a seeker and now I'm broadening the search.