Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation? The Dude: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Walter Sobchak: When we make the handoff, I double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! Huh? The Dude: That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.

The Dude: God damn you Walter! You fuckin' asshole! Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the FUCK, has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. The Dude: Yeah, but Walter... Walter Sobchak: Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with nail polish. These fucking amateurs...

The Dude: Walter... what am I going to tell Lebowski? Walter Sobchak: I told that fuck down at the league office... who's in charge of scheduling? The Dude: Walter... Donny: Burkhalter. Walter Sobchak: I told that kraut a fucking thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos! The Dude: Walter... Donny: They already posted it. Walter Sobchak: Well they can *fucking unpost it*! The Dude: Who gives a shit! They're gonna kill that poor woman, man! What am I gonna tell Lebowski? Walter Sobchak: C'mon Dude, eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander on back. Donny: How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter? Walter Sobchak: I'm shomer shabbos. Donny: What's that? The Dude: Yeah, and in the meantime, what do I tell Lebowski? Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit *don't fucking roll*! Donny: Sheesh. Walter Sobchak: Shomer shabbos! The Dude: Walter, how am I going to... Walter Sobchak: Shomer fucking shabbos. The Dude: Oh fuck it. I'm out of here. Walter Sobchak: Come on, Dude... [rolls his eyes at Donny] Walter Sobchak: Fucking BABY... [Donny nods]

Walter Sobchak: I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death... The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man. Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talkin' about? The Dude: Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic... Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude! The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... Walter Sobchak: And you know this! The Dude: Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced. Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish? The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past. Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax... [shouting] Walter Sobchak: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVIN' IN THE FUCKIN' PAST!

The Dude: Also, my rug was stolen. Younger Cop: The rug was in the car? The Dude: No. It was here. Younger Cop: [eager] Oh, separate incidents. Maude Lebowski: [on answering machine] Jeffrey, this is Maude Lebowski. I need to see you. I'm the one who took your rug. Younger Cop: Well. I guess we can close the file on that one.

The Dude: These are, uh... Brandt: Oh, those are Mr Lebowski's children, so to speak. The Dude: Different mothers, huh? Brandt: No. The Dude: Racially he's pretty cool? Brandt: [laughs] They're not literally his children. They're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers - inner city children of promise but without the necessary means for a - necessary means for a higher education. So Mr Lebowski is committed to sending all of them to college.

The Dude: Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what the fuck are you talking about? Walter Sobchak: Huh? No, what the fuck are you... I'm not... We're talking about unchecked aggression here, dude. Donny: What the fuck is he talking about? The Dude: My rug. Walter Sobchak: Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element! The Dude: Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so what the fuck are you talking about? Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please. The Dude: Walter, this isn't a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy... Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you...? The Dude: Walter, he peed on my rug! Donny: He peed on the Dude's rug. Walter Sobchak: Donny you're out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!

[the Dude, Walter, and Donny walk out of the bowling alley, to find the three Nihilists waiting in front of the Dude's car, which has been torched] The Dude: Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car. Nihilist: Ve vant ze money, Lebowski. Nihilist #2: Ja, uzzervize ve kill ze girl. Nihilist #3: Ja, it seems you have forgotten our little deal, Lebowski. The Dude: You don't HAVE the fucking girl, dipshits! We know you never did! [the Nihilists, stunned, confer amongst themselves in German] Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter? Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of. Nihilist: Ve don't care. Ve still vant ze money, Lebowski, or ve fuck you ups. Walter Sobchak: Fuck you. Fuck the three of you. The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter. Walter Sobchak: No, without a hostage, there is no ransom. That's what ransom is. Those are the fucking rules. Nihilist #2: His girlfriend gave up her toe! Nihilist #3: She though we'd be getting million dollars! Nihilist #2: Iss not fair! Walter Sobchak: Fair! WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRYBABIES? The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter. Look, pal, there never was any money. The big Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, so take it up with him, man! Walter Sobchak: And, I would like my undies back. [Stunned, the Germans confer amongst themselves again] Donny: Are they gonna hurt us, Walter? Walter Sobchak: No, Donny. These men are cowards. Nihilist: Okay. So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen. Walter Sobchak: Fuck you!

The Dude: Walter, ya know, it's Smokey, so his toe slipped over the line a little, big deal. It's just a game, man. Walter Sobchak: Dude, this is a league game, this determines who enters the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Smokey: Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking it 8. Walter Sobchak: [pulls out a gun] Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain. The Dude: Walter... Walter Sobchak: You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain. Smokey: I'm not... Walter Sobchak: A world of pain. Smokey: Dude, he's your partner... Walter Sobchak: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero! The Dude: They're calling the cops, put the piece away. Walter Sobchak: Mark it zero! [points gun in Smokey's face] The Dude: Walter... Walter Sobchak: [shouting] You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero! Smokey: All right, it's fucking zero. Are you happy, you crazy fuck? Walter Sobchak: ...It's a league game, Smokey.

[when making the payoff] The Dude: Dude. Nihilist: [on the phone] Who is this? The Dude: Dude. The bag man, man. Where do you want us to go? Nihilist: Us? The Dude: [to Walter] Shit! [to Nihilist] The Dude: Uh. Yeah, uh. Me and, uh, the driver. I'm not handling the money, driving the car and talking on the phone all at the same time. Nihilist: Shut the fuck up. Walter Sobchak: Dude, are you fucking this up? Nihilist: Who the fuck is that? The Dude: That is the driver. [Nihilist hangs up] The Dude: Shit! Walter, you fuck... you fucked it up! You fucked it up! Her life was in our hands, man! Walter Sobchak: Nothing is fucked here, Dude. Come on, you're being very un-Dude. They'll call back.

The Dude: It's like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh... Donny: I am the walrus. The Dude: You know what I'm trying to say... Donny: I am the walrus. Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch... The Dude: Oh yeah! Donny: I am the walrus. Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov! Donny: What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?

The Dude: Fuckin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man. Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude. The Dude: Yeah. Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old. The Dude: Oh! Walter Sobchak: When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast. Donny: What's a... pederast, Walter? Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Jesus Quintana: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up. The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man. Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click." The Dude: Jesus. Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Walter Sobchak: Eight-year-olds, Dude.

Walter Sobchak: Your wheel! At fifteen m-p-h I roll out! I double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! The uzi! The Dude: Uzi? Walter Sobchak: You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked!

The Dude: What's in the fuckin' carrier? Walter Sobchak: Huh? Oh, that's Cynthia's dog. I think it's a Pomeranian. I can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I'm watching him while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii. The Dude: You brought the fuckin' Pomeranian bowling? Walter Sobchak: What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude. The Dude: Man, if my fuckin' ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin' dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go fuck herself.

The Dude: I mean we totally fucked it up man, we fucked up this payoff, we got the kidnappers all mad at us, and Lebowski, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he didn't do anything, huh? Walter Sobchak: Well, sometimes, it's a cathartic... The Dude: No, I'm saying, if he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he leave me in charge of getting his wife back? Because he doesn't fucking want her back! He no longer digs her, it's all a show! Ok, so then why doesn't he give a shit about his million bucks? I mean, he knows we never handed off the briefcase, but he never asked for it back. The million bucks was never in the briefcase! The asshole was hoping that they would kill her! You threw out a ringer for a ringer!

Walter Sobchak: You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament! The Dude: Fuck the tournament... Fuck YOU, Walter! [pause] Walter Sobchak: Fuck the tournament? All right, I can see you don't want to be cheered up here, Dude. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.

The Dude: Jesus, man, could you change the channel? Cab Driver: Fuck you man. If you don't like my fuckin' music get your own fuckin' cab! The Dude: I had a rough... Cab Driver: I pull over and kick your ass out! The Dude: Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!

Tony the Chauffeur: So he says "My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates, my daughter's married to a jadrool loser bastard, and I got a rash so bad on my ass, I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain." The Dude: Ahh fuckin'-A, man. I got a rash, man. Fuckin'-A.

Brandt: Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier, once we get instructions for the money. The Dude: Why me, man? Brandt: He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion. The Dude: He thinks the carpet pissers did this? Brandt: Well Dude, we just don't know.

The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides. The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

Walter Sobchak: Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet... The Dude: I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter. Walter Sobchak: Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude. The Dude: Walter, face it, there isn't any connection.

Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski? The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of? Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. The Dude: Oh yeah? Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson. The Dude: Johnson?

Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny? The Dude: Walter... Donny: What? Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story? Donny: I was bowling. Walter Sobchak: So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know... The Dude: (interrupting) Walter, Walter, what's the point, man? Walter Sobchak: There's no reason - here's my point, dude, there's no fucking reason why these two... Donny: Yeah, Walter, what's your point?

The Dude: I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know? The Big Lebowski: What in God's holy name are you blathering about? The Dude: I'll tell you what I'm blathering about... I've got information man! New shit has come to light! And shit... man, she kidnapped herself. Well sure, man. Look at it... a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's cool... that's, that's cool, I'm, I'm saying, she needs money, man. And of course they're going to say that they didn't get it, because... she wants more, man! She's got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?

[after recovering his car from the Auto circus] The Dude: Oh, Jesus, what's that smell, man? Auto Circus Cop: Yes, probably a vagrant slept in the car. Or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on.

The Dude: You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. All you needed was a sap to pin it on! You'd just met me! You human... paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser', you know? A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about. The Big Lebowski: Well, aren't you? The Dude: Well, yeah!

[after reporting the stolen car] The Dude: Do you find them much, these, stolen cars? Younger Cop: Sometimes. Wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though. Older Cop: Or the Creedence.

Walter Sobchak: Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes. The Dude: What about the toe? Walter Sobchak: Forget about the fucking toe! Coffee Shop Waitress: Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep your voices down? This is a family restaurant. Walter Sobchak: Oh please, dear? For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint.

[while dunking the Dude's head in the toilet] Blond Treehorn Thug: Where's the money, Lebowski? Where's the fucking money, shithead? The Dude: It's uh... uh... it's down there somewhere, let me take another look.

The Dude: Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Nihilist: We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back and we cut off your chonson. The Dude: Excuse me? Nihilist: I said [shouting] Nihilist: I zaid VE CUT OFF YA JOHNSON! Nihilist #2: Just think about that, Lebowski. Nihilist: Yeah, your wiggly penis, Lebowski. Nihilist #3: Yeah and maybe we stomp on it and squoosh it, Lebowski.

The Dude: [on the phone] Of course the car made it home, you're calling me at home. No, Walter, it did NOT look like Larry was about to crack!

[being shown a picture Bunny's old farm home] The Dude: Oh boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus.

Younger Cop: And was there anything of value in the car? The Dude: Oh, uh, yeah, uh... a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a, uh... uh, my briefcase. Younger Cop: [expectant pause] In the briefcase? The Dude: Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers. Younger Cop: And what do you do, sir? The Dude: I'm unemployed.

Walter Sobchak: Also, let's not forget - let's *not* forget, Dude - that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either. The Dude: What are you, a fucking park ranger now? Walter Sobchak: No, I'm... The Dude: Who gives a shit about the fucking marmot!

The Dude: Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women, man. Malibu Police Chief: Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw shit, Lebowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear? The Dude: [after a pause] I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

The Dude: I only said I THOUGHT she kidnapped herself. You're the one who's so fucking certain! Walter Sobchak: That's right, Dude. 100% certain.

Walter Sobchak: Etz chaim he dude, as the ex used to say. The Dude: What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What the fuck are we gonna tell Lebowski? Walter Sobchak: Huh? [blows out a cloud of smoke] Walter Sobchak: Oh, him! Er... [mutters incoherently] Walter Sobchak: What exactly is the problem? The Dude: Well, the problem is... W-what do you mean "what's the"... umph... Th-there was no... We d- we didn't eh... uhumph... They're gonna kill that poor woman! Man! Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? That poor woman... that poor SLUT kidnapped herself. Come on dude, you said so yourself. The Dude: Man...! I said I THOUGHT she kidnapped herself... YOU'RE the one who's so fucking certain! Walter Sobchak: That's right dude. One hundred percent certain.

Walter Sobchak: Now that is just ridiculous, Dude. Nobody is going to cut your dick off. Not if I have anything to say about it. The Dude: Thank you Walter, that makes me feel very secure, it makes me feel very warm inside.

Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude: Look, man... Walter Sobchak: Dude, please? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude: Just ask him about the car. Walter Sobchak: Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude: Is that your car out front? Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude: We know it's his fucking homework! Where's the fucking money, you little brat? Walter Sobchak: Look, Larry. Have you ever heard of Vietnam? The Dude: Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter... Walter Sobchak: You're entering a world of pain, son. We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole a car. The Dude: And the fucking money. Walter Sobchak: And the fucking money. And, we know that this is your homework. The Dude: We're going to cut your dick off, Larry. Walter Sobchak: You're killing your father, Larry!

The Big Lebowski: Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Lebowski? [the Dude walks out and shuts the door] The Big Lebowski: The bums will always lose! Brandt: How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski? The Dude: Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house.

Da Fino: Well maybe you and me could pool our resources, you know, trade information? Professional courtesy? Compeers, you know? The Dude: Yeah, yeah, I get it, fuck off Da Fino. And stay away from my special - from my fucking lady friend, man!

Maude Lebowski: Now, what happened to your face? Did Jackie Treehorn do that as well? The Dude: Ah, no that was the chief of police of Malibu. A real reactionary.

[after the chief of police throws a coffee mug at his head] The Dude: Ow! Fucking fascist!

The Dude: Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. Real fucking brat, but I'm sure your goons can get it off him. I mean, he's fifteen. [pause] The Dude: Flunking social studies.

[the Dude has been drugged and is semi-conscious] The Dude: So if you could just write me my check for ten percent of a half a million... five grand... I'll go out and mingle.

Walter Sobchak: You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in 'Nam of course. The Dude: Then you know he's got emotional problems, man. Walter Sobchak: You mean... beyond pacifism?

Brandt: [the Dude is leaving after his first meeting with Lebowski] Well, enjoy. And perhaps we'll see you again some time, Dude. The Dude: Yeah, sure, if I'm... in the neighborhood and I, uh... gotta use the john.

The Dude: By the way, do you think that you could give me that $20,000 in cash? My concern is, and I have to, uh, check with my accountant, that this might bump me into a higher, uh, tax... The Big Lebowski: Brandt, give him the envelope. The Dude: Oh, you've already got the check made out, that's great.

Brandt: You never went to college... The Dude: Oh, no I did, but I spent most of my time occupying various administration buildings... smoking a lot of thai stick... breaking into the ROTC... and bowling. To tell you the truth Brandt, I don't remember most of it.

Knox Harrington: So you're Lebowski. Maudie's told me all about you. She'll be back in a moment, sit down. Would you like a drink? The Dude: [as he sits down] Uh, yeah. White Russian? Knox Harrington: The bar's over there.

Maude Lebowski: My father and I don't get along, he doesn't approve of my lifestyle and, needless to say, I don't approve of his. Still, I hardly wish to make my father's embezzlement a police matter, so I'm proposing that you try to recover the money from the people you delivered it to. The Dude: Well, I could do that... Maude Lebowski: If you successfully do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 10 percent of the recovered sum. The Dude: [stunned] A hundred... Maude Lebowski: Thousand, yes bones or clams or whatever you call them.

Brandt: Her life is in your hands. The Dude: Man, don't say that, man. Brandt: Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat that: her life is in your hands. The Dude: Oh, shit, man. Brandt: Her life is in your hands, Dude.

[singing while semi-conscious in the back of a police car] The Dude: He was innocent, not a charge was true, and they say he ran away... Branded!

The Dude: Would you come off it Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man. Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about Dude? The Dude: You're fucking Polish-Catholic! Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia, Dude. The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... Walter Sobchak: And you know this! The Dude: ...And five fucking years ago you were divorced man! Walter Sobchak: When you get a divorce you get a new license? You turn in your library card? You *stop* being Jewish?

Maude Lebowski: It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. But unfortunately there are some people - it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women - who engage in it compulsively and without joy. Yes, Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these. The Dude: Listen, Maude, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but I don't see what it has to do with - do you have any Kahlúa?