Top Ten Dangers of Living in a Mennonite Town

Oba, nay! Oh, yo, so the weltlich Englishers at Maclean’s Magazine said Steinbach was “dangerous.” They even put it on a list with Wetaskawin yet! I’ve got frintschoft there and I naver had any problems. But Martha says, “well, Peter, it is dangerous yet.” So, I listened to Martha and she tells to me all the things what are dangerous in Steinbach for sure. Here’s what she said.

Dutch Blitz – I tink when that magazine said Schteinback was dang’rous they must have been talking about Dutch Blitz. If you play with the Loewen sisters it can be very dang’rous once for sure!

People who drive bicycles on the sidewalk – I had to agree with Martha on this one. This happens all the time in Steinbach yet. Like it says in the Bible somewheres, “two wheels bad, two legs good.”

Lutherans – You have to be careful with those Lutherans. Next ting you know, you’re going to be drinking a glass of wine with your meal or even baptizing a baby yet.

Mrs. Penner’s dills – The Friesen boys warned to me, “oba, Peter, watch out for those dills,” but I didn’t believe them and I had such a sore stomach after faspa that I couldn’t even feed the pigs that evening.

Englishers coming in from Vanapag – More and more the Englishers are coming and not just to buy cars yet, but to live! My opa always told me, “there’s nothing more dangerous than an Englisher.” That’s why I never got married to that Johnson girl from the city even though I tink she fancied me. I hear she married a Platt.

Falling asleep in church – Pradja Kornelsen tells such boring sermons that sometimes I find myself almost sleeping. One time I even fell right onto Mr. Klassen’s lap and it created quite the stir. He was nearly sleeping, too, and then when I fell on him, he woke right up and it was all such a commotion. Three ladies in the women’s section fainted.

Losing your salvation – This is not hard to do. It’s the biggest danger in town. I once almost lost my salvation when I missed a tithe, but then I gave extra chickens the next week and it was okay.

Livestock – I tink the chickens are usually okay, but sometimes there are cows on the road and the cars hit them and then it’s quite worrisome for the drivers. We need to say, “oba, Knels, keep the hogs penned up yet!”

Over-eating – This is such a big danger in Schteinback yet. The omas of this town are the most dangerous people I think. You cannot say no. You must keep eating and eating until you cannot eat anymore.

Da drugs – They say there’s drugs here yet. But we voted and voted yet to keep da marijuana out of Schteinback and yet still they say there is drugs here? How can it be yet?