Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thank You Cards

I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, adding to my own series of thank you notes:

Dear Mom,

Thank you for birthing me. On this day, Happy Birthday to you!

Love,Tony B.

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Dear Milton Bradley,

Thank you for showing me how a professional athlete can be least professional when it matters most. By releasing a half-hearted apology through the media rather than facing your team like a man, you have sunk to a new low and have pretty much guaranteed that you won't return to the Cubs next year. In fact, you probably don't want to return because you have the Cubs on the hook for $21 million. It's great to see how you reward the only team who has ever offered you a multi-year contract by creating tension and unrest within the clubhouse. The Cubs need you about as much as Magic Johnson needs his AIDS. Similarly, at least the Cubs can throw lots of money at you to make you go away.

Happy trails,Tony B.

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Dear Horrific Full Tilt Poker Players,

Thank you for being stupid enough to assume I'm bluffing when I make a large bet. You see, I'm a pretty tight player, so you tend to pay me off most times. My favorite instance of this was when I was playing tight for sometime, then someone bet at me during a hand, I re-raised them having completed an Ace-high flush, and they called me with King-high. That's right folks- not even a pair. It makes it a lot easier to be a profitable player when folks like you all are throwing away their money.

See you soon,Tony B.

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Dear Florist for our wedding,

Thank you for being the only vendor that we've worked with that has made our wedding planning difficult. Usually when you sign a contract and state things that you're going to do, you have to follow through with those promises. I guess in this case, you're above written documents. Changing our contract to try and put in cheaper flowers and less service is really not a great way to earn future business. Don't worry, I won't even mention your name if you actually end up doing a good job on the 3rd, but rest assured I'm calling you out if you don't.

It was also a nice touch that you tried to change all the terms so close to the wedding.

Regards,Tony B.

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Dear Facebook,

Thank you for allowing me to keep up to date with/stalk other folks with relative ease. It's much more efficient to pass on human contact or phone calls, and just read the News Feed. If we're lucky, we may soon just go without human contact all together!

Seriously though, thanks for letting me look at entire albums of photos that belong to people that I'm not friends with. The access given because one of my friends gets tagged is sweet!

Poke,Tony B.

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Dear Back of my Vizio TV,

Thank you for only having one Audio/Video input and two HD A/V inputs. At the current time, I don't own an extra set of HD cables, so I can't hook up my DVD player and Wii at the same time. I'd love to buy the extra wires, but I'm lazy and short on cash at the moment (not to mention it's a pain in the ass to get access to the back of the mounted TV.) I guess the movies will have to wait, so thank you for keeping me from watching any of the Thumb movies or old Lost DVD's. (I know I will really thank you for this later, but right now it's annoying.)

Best,Tony B.

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Dear Baseball Season,

Thank you for getting out of the way early so I can concertrate on football. True, we'll have one more fling on Sunday at AT&T Park, but let's be honest, I'll be checking my phone for the Bears' score the whole time I'm there.

Until next year,Tony B.

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Dear My Own Office,

Thank you for not having windows. It keeps me from knowing what I am missing out on.

Yeah, I just ended a sentence with a preposition. I'm crazy like that!

Sincerely,Tony B.

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I'm off to play a private show in Tahoe City in the afternoon, but I'll be back in Davis tomorrow and playing at the G St Pub tomorrow night. Come on out if you can!

4 comments:

You should just stop buying flowers altogether. They are nothing more than a source of pain in your life.

My groomsmen and I had the worst luck ever with our tuxedos. Nobody's fit right. My pants were about twice the size they should have been and my jacket sleeves were not symmetrical. My dad had the wrong color bowtie. My buddy's sleeves were half the size that they should have been. It was a disaster. Supporting local businesses is for suckers.

I'm a little worried about the suit aspect, though we purchased suits rather than renting tuxedos so you'd think we would have gotten all this worked out ahead of time. I pick mine up on Friday, so I guess we have a week to work out any kinks.

I intentionally didn't write about this because it was a harder choke than the Cubs last year. I lost. Nothing much I can do. King Felix and Mauer were awesome last week, but the rest of the team was awful. I'm winning in the consolation grudge match between my brother and me this week. Not that there is any money on the line...