In just under 2 weeks I will be seeing the new Metallica film, Through The Never, at the IMAX theatre here in Melbourne. Ever since the film’s unveiling at the San Diego Comic Con this year, to say I have been anticipating this is a bit of an understatement. I just got back from the USA and when I was on the flight home, before I took my Xanax tablet to pass out and sleep the whole way, I quickly checked the film guide to see if it was showing on one of the plane’s gazillion movie channels. It wasn’t. Still though, seeing this movie at the IMAX theatre in 3D is kind of a big deal for me because not only is it in 3D so I am sure to have a killer headache before the movie is over but I very rarely go see movies in the cinema anymore and this is for a number of reasons;

1) I really don’t like people who have no cinema etiquette and therefore make my viewing of movies at the cinema a complete waste of money and time. Yes Mr “I have seen this movie already, even those I am seeing on opening night, and therefore I will tell you what happens before the scene even eventuates”, I am talking to you. You are the worst. Please stay home.
2) I don’t really care for most movies made these days and so therefore will wait for the DVD / BLU-RAY release to watch it in the privacy of my own home because of people in reason 1.
3) Cinema food pricing is completely ludicrous and more unrealistic than the pricing of a croissant at the airport.
and
4) I really get annoyed by walk-in-late guy – you know, the one who walks in 5 minutes after the movie starts and then always sits right in front of you and then opens up his Malteasers or packet of crisps and makes a shitload of noise thus making me miss an integral part of what is being said. Annoying!

Sure, I will take some of the blame because I should just not go there and therefore I wouldn’t deal with such things but every now and then it’s nice to get out of the house and actually do something entertaining like seeing a movie. The last film I saw in the cinema was in the USA a week and a half ago. It was a movie about a mafia family starring Robert De Niro. It was one of those cheap Tuesday nights in California and I went along with 3 friends. Hey, who am I to turn down good times and no hassles? It was either go see a movie or stay at the house alone and look at all the stuff I bought that wasn’t going to fit in my suitcase… again. I opted for the movie. The cinema was pretty empty and the film was kinda lame, even for a De Niro movie. It had its humorous moments but it’s not a film I will be re-watching in a hurry. In fact, if I saw this at someone’s house in their DVD collections I’d probably question them on why they feel the need to see this movie more than once. It’s not like it was Taxi Driver or the Blues Brothers, this was some film called The Family. Don’t waste your time unless you want to see Dianna Agron kill some dude with a tennis racket.

ANYWAY, Through The Never looks bitchin’! The fact that Metallica has made, or should I say, is part of an action movie is something that sounds better on paper than it probably will be but for the sake of this article, I am going to be optimistic. Well, to be honest, I am actually pretty damn excited by it. I have this love / hate relationship with Metallica. For one thing, every tour they do, I’m there. Every book on them, I’m buying it. Every DVD / BLU-RAY, yep, I snap them up too. Why? Cos I’m insane. Probably. No, but because I still enjoy Metallica. Sure, I haven’t bought an album since And Justice For All (I don’t really count the Garage Days double release cos that’s not technically an official album), but that doesn’t hold me back from seeing the Californian quartet in concert and deliving into their lives through books and documentaries. It’s a habit, I guess. I first saw Metallica in Adelaide at the Thebarton Theatre in 1989 on their And Justice For All tour and I guess I’ve been hooked ever since. Now almost 25 years later, the thought of Metallica starring in their own movie seemed ridiculous back then but seems completely logical now. I mean, where do you go after writing disappointing albums with Lou Reed? Exactly… straight to Hollywood! And what better way to bring in the audiences around the world than with a bitchin’ soundtrack and a shitload of explosions and guns n stuff? Damn straight!

This isn’t the first time that metal has hit the cinemas here in Melbourne. Back when Iron Maiden’s Flight 666 was shown in the cinema here, I was over the moon and not just because my ugly face is in it but because a doco on Iron Maiden was being shown in a cinema setting and I was surrounded by a bunch of Melbourne metal heads and great friends. That combination always makes for good times. Even Poodle was there, surprisingly (or not surprisingly), with two bourbons. Yes, even the most hardcore of Melbourne’s music scene will find a way to get bourbons into a cinema. Good job! Sam Dunn’s documentary on one of metal’s greatest bands gave all fans of Maiden a taste of what it’s like to fly your own plane around the world, play some shows along with a few rounds of golf and tennis, all the while keeping your hands out of your pockets because, according to the old man working for Maiden who confronted a friend’s brother on the matter, it’s just unacceptable.

But I digress, Through The Never may sound and look cheesy but I am actually pretty damn anxious for its release. What we have here is a band who sadly ran out of fresh ideas finally come up with a fresh idea! I probably haven’t been this excited since that day I saw the VHS of Rock N Roll Highschool starring the Ramones on the shelves of Civic Video in Salisbury for $2 a week. I was thankful then just as I am thankful now.

Metallica are no stranger to movies though. Who could forget their reveal all documentary Some Kind Of Monster; a gripping documentary that follows the band recording one of the worst albums of their career while going through therapy in the midst of an emotional breakdown. The film is filled with classic moments in cinematic history as the band fight with each other pretty much the whole way through whilst the director intersperses scenes of Lars Ulrich talking about the black on some shitty paintings he owned and then re-sold for millions, James Hetfield driving around and talking hot rods, Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine crying because he isn’t making as many millions as his former band (how distressing), Rob Trujillo being welcomed to the band with a one million dollar token of the band’s gratitude, and the highlight of the movie; the band’s therapist, while wearing a Cosby sweater, offers to write the band’s lyrics. It’s a touching movie that I recommend everyone see. Not only does the film show how embarrassing it must be at times to be in Metallica knowing that you haven’t done a great album in years, but it even goes to show that you can sue your fans for illegally downloading your albums and then still continue on to be one of the biggest, if not THE biggest band in metal today. It’s kinda ridiculous when you think about it. I think KISS are probably the only other band capable of suing their fans and then, once out of court, those financially out of pocket fans will still manage to scrounge up enough money to buy the next set of KISS shot glasses and golf balls without hesitation. The mind boggles. Still, Some Kind Of Monster is highly recommended and I’m sure, or at least hoping that the KISS one that is currently being made will be just as amusing.

Even though taking the piss out of Metallica is almost as fun as ragging on KISS, I have to admit that I am still a huge fan (actually I am a KISS fan too but that’s a whole different article in itself). Sure, I don’t own the Load albums, the orchestra one, or their last 3 debacles (Sorry, Deth Magnetic, you showed promise but your production killed you) but that doesn’t matter because it’s Metallica. I just returned home from the USA with like 3 new books on the band. Maybe I have a problem? It wouldn’t be the first time this is pointed out to me. Still, Through The Never looks to be a whole load of fun. I am anticipating Saturday the 12th of October as I settle into my uncomfy seat for two hours and experience what’s sure to be the blockbuster event of the year. It looks to be a night of good times and no hassles. I hope you can join us.

Oh, and if you’re coming along to this momentous night, please open your Malteasers and potato crisps before going into the cinema. Thanks.