Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Fools and Their Money

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. What can I get you? What have you got? Anything you want. I'll bet you do. Why don't you tell me. Maybe you'd like to see a menu. No, I don't need one. I know what I want. Are we talking about the same thing? I think so. Then maybe you'd like to whisper what you want in my ear. Scotch and soda? He's toying with me. Chased out of the pocket, he's gonna throw it on the run, it's incomplete. Good Lord, Sam, isn't this the tenth football game you've watched today? It only seems that way. That's the beauty of football. Sundays. The incessant drone of the television, the stench of beer and monosyllabic conversation. That's it. Get into it, girl. Oh, Diane. Listen, I dropped by to give you a bit of news. I've decided to go away for a while. I just wanna collect my thoughts and see if things look brighter from a new perspective. Frasier, I think that's terrific news. A very positive step. I'm so happy for you. Well, thank you. I'm happy for myself. Say, wait a second, Diane. Crazy notion just jumped into my head, I don't know where it came from, but I was wondering if you'd like to come along. I mean, after all, we do travel well together, and we have that matching luggage. Frasier, I really don't think that would be a good idea at all. Of course. I understand. Oh, Diane. I've been putting off telling you something, but I feel I must now. You've been using the word "really" far too frequently. In fact, it's become really noticeable. It's really quite maddening, really. Frasier, I know you're disappointed that I didn't accept your invitation, but I really-- I don't think that's any reason to get on my case. "Get on my case." What a charming bit of slang. Frasier, nitpicking at my choice of the correct modern English does not make you any more attractive to me. If that's the purpose in your visits here, perhaps you should find another tavern in which to bore the life out of the clientele. I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Miss God's-Gift-to-Men. It just so happens that I come here to share the companionship of my male friends. So, men, what's on the agenda tonight? - Football. - Oh, good Lord. I mean, "Rah." Using a colloquialism to ingratiate yourself with the rabble? How very sad. How really very sad. Did you see that bootleg by Montana? The guy's unstoppable. Woody, looks like you're gonna win the bar pool today. The Rams still have a chance, and if they make a comeback, - I take the pool. - Woody, you know, if you win this, that's gonna make three weeks straight you've been in the money. Yeah, yeah, I guess I'm on a streak. You know, I've always been a lucky guy. Back home I won a haircut. The heck kind of contest was that? Well, it wasn't really a contest. It was just policy. See, if the barber nicks your ear, you get a free haircut. I think Schopenhauer put it aptly when he said: "Noise is the most contemptuous of all forms of interruption. It is--" Impertinent. Excuse me? What you were trying to say was: "Noise is the most impertinent of all forms of interruption." She said "contemptuous," can you believe that? I thought I'd have a conniption. Stop this quibbling at once. As the only two entities of any discernible intellect in this place, it is our duty to set an example for the others. You're only saying that because you know I'm smarter than you are. This from a man who mispronounced "rémoulade" at a dinner party. Diane, I am fed up with the rémoulade incident! - lsn't it true? - You are totally overblowing it. Hey, hey! Would you two cut it out. You're drowning out a perfectly good tire commercial. There's the gun. Final score: 24 Yeah, all right. There's the final. Looks like you won, Woodrow. - Hey, Woody. - Hey, Woodrow. Thank you very much. I want you to know I couldn't have done it without all you guys because, well, this is your money. Here you go. Seventy-five big ones. Paul, second place. Twenty-five. You did good, kid, but I still think I got a more reliable system. Yeah? I could really use one. What's yours? I just bet opposite whatever you pick. So, Woody, what's this system you got up your sleeve there, huh? - Yeah, Woody. - Well, I don't actually have one. I just kind of look at the picks and one team jumps out at me. - He's got it down to a science. - Really. Imagine how much he'd have made if he'd parlayed some of those bets. - What's that mean? - Well, that's when you bet a series of games with a bookie. I mean, you gotta win them all, - so the odds are pretty long. - Do you guys know a real bookie? I got a friend who's got a friend who's got a friend. - And he's a bookie? - No, but his friend is. Wow. You know, if I bet with a bookie, I'd have something to tell my grandchildren. Sam, I don't think you should encourage Woody to pursue illegal activities. Oh, lighten up, will you, Diane. It's a part of a guy's passage into maturity. You know, like going to a cathouse or whizzing off a balcony or mooning out of the back of a car. Or on a really good night, all three. - Yes, the triple. - Triple. Hey, why don't we-- Yeah, good idea. I got the schedule for next week's games here. Anything jumping out at you? Oh, yeah! These are the strongest feelings I've had yet. - Well, what? What do you got? - What's up? All right. Indianapolis, Tampa Bay, Buffalo just hit me right in the eye. Houston. - Yeah, I'll bet. - Yeah, I'll bet it did. - What's so funny? - All those teams you picked, they're a long shot, Woody. He doesn't even know - what the point spreads are. - What difference does that make? I haven't looked at the point spreads all year. Hey, Sam, I'd like to bet these teams with your bookie. Okay. All right. How much you wanna put down? Twenty, 30 bucks? Thousand dollars. You own $1 000? Yes, ma'am, it's all my savings. Woody, I'm not gonna let you throw away all your money on gambling. You know, Woody, all that money on one shot, you gotta be nuts. Yeah, why don't you sit down and give it a little thought here. Excuse me. I've been observing what's been going on over here and I have something to say. Listen up here, Woody. Do you realize that in the course of the evening, Diane has made 1 7 errors in the areas of grammar etiquette and statement of fact? Frasier, your pedantry is insufferable. And you suck eggs. All right, Sam, I've thought about it, and I've decided - I definitely wanna make the bet. - No, you don't. Think some more. Well, I'm the one who's been winning the pool. And you know what I think? You think I'm some dumb hick who can't make it on his own in the big city. No, I don't. I just think it's a dumb bet. Case closed, Woody. But it's my money and I'm willing to take the risk. Woody, I can dig up a bookie somewhere. - I'll make the bet for you. - Woody, I'll make the bet for you. Might as well keep it in the family. - Sam - No, no. You heard him. It's his decision. It's his money. He's a grown-up. - Where's your money? - Thanks, Sam. Come on, man, don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe. Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my backyard. - Hey, is that him? - Yeah, yeah, I think it is. For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he - Good to see you all too. - Sorry, Sammy, - we thought you were Woody. - Can you believe it? - The kid actually hit his parlay. - I know. Boy, that's fantastic, isn't it? - Yeah. - So, what is this? - What are you guys doing? - We're planning a little celebration - in honour of Woody's good fortune. - A celebration, huh? You mean like food, music, drink, that kind of thing? We're not providing any of that, but we're hoping Mr Moneybags will spring for that when he gets here. I don't think it's such a good idea to make a big deal out of this. You'd just be encouraging him to gamble some more. He won 10,000 bucks. What more encouragement does he need? - Oh, fine. - Hey! Thanks a lot, guys. Hey, but guess what. I've got some great news. I won that parlay. We know, Woody. Congratulations. Well, thanks, Miss Chambers. - So, Sam, did my money get here yet? - No, not yet. They'll be bringing it pretty soon. Matter of fact, I'll call right now. Carla, why don't you start that celebration here. Hi, everybody. Diane, listen. I'm here to tell you that I've just spent the most painful week of my entire life. I was ice-fishing in subzero-degree temperatures in Nova Scotia. I don't think I could have stood it for another minute, but it was worth it. Because every iota of pettiness in me was left back on that frozen tundra. So I'm here just to ask you to please forgive me. - Apology accepted. - lncomplete sentence. Oh, my God. I hope they're still biting. What's this? "Please" -something. - Please get in here! Sam, is this an M or a double N? Just forget about that and sit down, will you. I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that-- It felt so right when I did it, but now it turns out to be all wrong. What's her name, and how many months? I never placed Woody's bet. Oh, my God. Sam, for the first time in your life you had the right intentions, and it still blew up in your face. It was such a stupid bet. I was just trying to protect him. What am I gonna do? I mean, I don't have $10,000. Oh, dear. Well, we know that Woody actually did pick the winning teams. Yeah? So? - So why don't you go to the bookie - Bookie. and tell him that you honestly intended to wager on the winning teams and see if he won't give you the money. That's a good idea. While I'm at it, why don't I just tell him that I meant to bet on - all the winning teams since 1975? - Can you do that? Please! Well, Sam. Why don't I just sound Woody out for you? There's always the possibility that the money isn't important to him. Yeah. Maybe not. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, thank you. Sam, by the way, thank you for coming to me for advice. I'm touched. Well, if this works out, you will be. Hey, Sam, that guy still didn't show up with the money. - He is gonna give it to me, isn't he? - Of course he will. No bookie would welsh on a bet. He'd be the lowest spitwad on earth. Actually, murderers are lower. You know, back home we'd take welshers, rub them with bacon fat and throw them in the sty with Romeo, the friendly hog. - Well, gee whiz-- - Woody, why don't you and l - have a chat. - Yeah. - Oh, sure, Miss Chambers. - There's a table right over here. Woody I want to speak metaphysically. And you need money for the language lessons. No problem. Let's start again. What I'm talking about is the meaning of money. What is it worth? It can't buy love, it can't buy friends, it can't buy happiness. Well, you're right, and I already have all those things. So, in fact, you have everything. And it wouldn't matter if you never got that money at all. Oh, you're serious. Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Chambers. You see, it's just that my family never had a lot of money and still my folks were always making sacrifices for us kids, especially my mom. I remember something she used to say to me, she'd say: "Woody, hold on to your dream. I lost mine, but I want yours to come true." It always made me sad to think of what Mom gave up for us. What was your mom's dream? To be a drummer in a power trio. Her big hero was Ginger Baker in Cream. Whenever we'd walk by the music store in town, she'd just stare and stare at the Ludwigs in the window. I knew even though she was standing in front of Keller's Music, that in her head she was up on some stage banging out the solo in "Toad." It must have been tough to go back to breading cutlets. Now she's gonna get those drums. And with heavy metal coming back, who knows what might happen. Bless you, Woody. Bless you, Miss Chambers. How'd it go? Not well. Sam, I feel utterly defeated. Here you came to me as a friend asking for my advice, - and I let you down. - I know. Is there anything I can do to help you in this time of crisis? Not dressed. What a shot! Sam, maybe you ought to call the bookie again. Sit down for a minute here, will you. Woody, you know that old expression, "When you win a bet, you never get paid for eight days"? - No, but I like it. - Well, it's an old lrish expression. Which is probably why the bookie hasn't shown up yet. But you know what, it gives you an opportunity - to do some financial planning. - Financial planning? Yeah. Yeah, you know, like spreading out the payments over a period of time, just like they do with the lottery winners. - Lottery winners? - Yeah, yeah. All right. Listen. Here's my plan. Now, I'll keep the $10,000 for you and I'll give you, let's say, $1 a week for 10,000 weeks. Or, all right, maybe the deluxe plan. Two bucks for 5000 weeks. What do you say? Well, it's a tough choice, but I think out of those, I'll stick to the whole thing at once. - You're kidding me! - No. No, you're missing the obvious benefit of spreading out the tax burden. - Am I right, Norm? - Oh, yeah. Great plan. You'll be real happy you did it when you reach the age of 412, I think. Let's talk, Woody. Come on. Sit down, Woody. I've been trying to think of an easy way of saying this, but I don't think there is any. I never placed your bet with my bookie. Here's your thousand dollars back. You never placed the bet? No, I was trying to take care of you the way Coach used to take care of me. And it worked out about as well, too, which scares the hell out of me. Sam I wanna thank you. You're welcome. Oh, wait a second here. Why aren't you going crazy? Because it's the nicest thing that anyone ever did for me. Are you kidding me? I mean, not only did I not make the bet, I lied about it. Woody, you should be going crazy. It was for my own good, Sam. Come on, man, don't do this to me. You're out $10,000 because of me. You couldn't have known how it was gonna turn out. You thought I was gonna lose. No, wait a second. What difference does that make? Come on! Man, I cheated you out of $10,000. I mean, who do I think I am? You should wanna kill me, Woody. It happened. I really don't see the point in getting angry. Now, you're not being honest. Now, down deep, you're mad. - You know you are. - Maybe I am, just a little. No, you mean, "Hell, yes, I am, Sam!" Come on. It was still the nicest thing that anyone ever did for me. You're a great man, Sam. Oh, man, you're hopeless. Go on, get out of here. At least let me feel like a jerk in private. Sure, Sam. - Sorry. - No, don't say-- - Sam? - What? I can't stand to see you like this. Would it make you feel better if I took the dollar a week? Come on, man. A dollar a week is meaningless. How about a dollar a week and a raise? Nice gesture. Not good enough. Okay. How about a dollar a week, a raise and your Corvette? My car? Not a chance. - Why not? - Don't be ridiculous. It's my car. - But you owe me $10,000. - I don't care. I mean, it's my car. But you said you wanted to make it up to me. We're talking about my car, Woody. I see. You say you're sorry, you say you care, but when it comes down to it, - it's just a lot of lip motion. - No-- Well, I think that stinks! - That's good. - You're nothing but a selfish, - lying creep! - That's good. That's good. - You're angry now. - Oh, you bet I am! - Now I'm gonna go pack my bags. - Oh, no. Wait a second. What are you doing? What do you mean? Oh, you're my boss and I yelled at you, I can't stick around. Woody, Woody, Woody. That was just a little yelling. - Now, that doesn't mean anything. - Well, no, but I've never yelled at anybody like that before in my life. - We can't be friends anymore. - Woody, come on. Woody, friends yell at each other. It's okay. Coach and I used to fight all the time, but we were good friends. - Really? - Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact, it made us closer sometimes. - Oh, sure. - No, I'm serious. Come here. Come here. Listen. Coach was a great peacemaker. He had this little trick. He'd You know, after a big fight, he'd make us put our arms around each other and sing "Home, Home on the Range." - I know. It sounds pretty silly, huh? - Yeah. Well, do it for me anyway. Come on, Woody. Come on. Yeah, there you go. Coach used to start me out on the first few notes. Oh, give me a home Where the buffalo roam And the deer and the antelope play - How long we gotta sing this? - Half an hour. Coach said that if you could sing "Home on the Range" with a man for half an hour, you couldn't possibly hold a grudge. Where seldom is heard A discouraging word And the skies are not cloudy all day - You feeling better? - I still want your car. Home, home on the range Where the deer and the antelope play - Coach's old trick. - Oh, good. Everything's okay. A discouraging word And the skies are not cloudy all day Home, home on the range