Perfect…

Today really just seems like the day I need to start writing things down. I have so many odd things happen to me in my life and when people keep saying things like, “you should write that down!”, “only stuff like that happens to you,” etc. you start to take it seriously. For Saturdays, this one was pretty normal, nothing extraordinary happened, but I felt a shift inside of me. I read the 4th book in the “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” series, and there was a character in there I couldn’t help identifying with on this one point. She was described as a beautiful person, she controls people, situations, bends them to her will, but when people spend too much time with her, they are left feeling empty, void. In the story this was because once she built them up and made them feel special, she would break them down imperceptibly until they no longer knew how to function without her. Their confidence was gone and it was only her influence that kept them going. I don’t abuse people in that manner, I only wish to bring light and happiness to the people I meet. One thing bothered me though, I am a control freak, I do pay a lot of attention to the way people act, behave, react and in my mind I could “control” them a bit because I’ve studied why they do the things they do and where their moral compass points them. I have never actively tried to manipulate anyone except in my romantic relationships, but for reasons I thought were “okay”. Society tells women, “make him think it was his idea”, “behind every great man is an even better woman”, stuff like that. Through my influence I’ve tried to make men rise to their greatness. This, however, is where I seem to lose the “control”. I’m divorced now, my ex-husband of almost 3 years left me, among depression, medications, bi-polar issues, etc., I do believe an underlying cause was I spent so long building him up, grooming him for confidence and the knowledge that he could succeed that I think I became a little too good at it. He honestly believed he could do WAY better than what we had, I wasn’t worth trying for and he hasn’t looked back. From certain behaviors and little bits of knowledge I have of him, it doesn’t seem things are “going his way” if you know what I mean, but he still hasn’t reached out to me nonetheless. I’m currently struggling with the fact that the last 4 men I’ve dated since my divorce have all ended things saying “you’re perfect, you deserve the world, but I don’t want you”, concise and not exact words but you get the picture. The word “perfect” has been used every time though. I’m beginning to despise it. What does that mean anyway? What is a perfect person? I have mood swings, I have shown my “spots” and “wounds” from my divorce, and as far as I can tell I’ve shown a perfectly IMPERFECT person, just a regular human, but again, I’m not making that known well enough either it seems. I really feel like I should stay away from people now, almost like I have some kind of plague of “perfection”. My sister, 10 years younger, jokingly said to lighten the mood during a conversation, “Jesus doesn’t like perfect Deanna!” It made me laugh at first, but then I kept overthinking it, and it really feels like I’m being punished somehow for the way I was made. No one wants to hang around with a saint, because it reminds them of how bad they are, so I believe the same is happening with me. By waking up every day thinking to myself, I want to be the best person I can be today, and actively making that happen, I’m actually doing a disservice to myself. People don’t want to be around me, because they lack that discipline. How do you take yourself down a few notches? Food for thought… until next time…