It must be a terrible burden when the release of your new video becomes a big event. Particularly when you're Lady Gaga, and the world's media is perched on the edge of its seat waiting to find out who's going to be most offended THIS time.

Luckily, with Alejandro, which premiered yesterday, there are many groups that could lay claim to be the most offended. Here are just a few of them.

1 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

Opening with militaristic men carrying giant set squares and other technical drawing equipment, the first group to take offence will be the League of Engineering Draftspeople, for suggesting that not only are they on some kind of violent rampage led by a recently unseated parliamentary representative from the Ministry of Silly Walks, but that women are grossly under-represented in their field. Shocking.

Happily, the next thing we see is Gaga, dressed in typically high-concept fashion.

2 Lady Gaga Alejandro Illustration: YouTube

For the next minute, Gaga is mostly dressed as a giant leather bluebottle.

As she peels back one large fly-like eye, then the other, entomologists will be up in arms, particularly fly enthusiasts (or "muscaphiles"), who will be rightfully concerned about this seeming advocation of insect cruelty.

3 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

Ardent fans of choreographer Bob Fosse, veteran performer Liza Minnelli, the film version of the musical Cabaret, Madonna, voguing or Marlene Dietrich could also be offended, as could supporters of wigs, black and white films, original thinking and, possibly, fans of television show Glee. Yes, they could all decide to be offended by Gaga's tribute to one (or perhaps all) of the above, while flanked by a pair of mincing ninnies.

4 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

A buff gentleman wearing a policeman's helmet studded with pointy nubbins and sporting little apart from a confused look should be enough to elicit complaint from some Scotland Yard spokesperson or other.

6 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

And the image of a stone-faced soldier of apparent ill intent, set against a backdrop of rioting and destruction, is offensive to – well, mainly to people who saw and/or loved Gaga's last video, Telephone, and were hoping for a similarly entertaining experiment in linear storytelling. This is one of the sections of the video that feels thrown in because they wanted it to be almost nine-minutes long, rather than because it adds anything, or makes much sense.

7 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

The "men in enormous undercrackers dance routine" – which takes place somewhere in the middle of the completely predictable five-minute bondage/S&M mid-section – is offensive both to people with a distaste for "nude" underwear, and to those who think that wearing slimming support garments is restrictive of the natural human form.

5 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

There is certainly an argument that any offence taken by the Catholic church may be warranted, given the conflagration of imagery including (clockwise from top left); the burial of a heart surrounded by barbed wire, pierced with a nail, reminiscent of the sacred heart iconography; Gaga dressed as some kind of crusader; Gaga's crusader raised above head height to wear an inverted cross at penis level; and, of course, Gaga dressed as a red-rubber nun and deep-throating an entire rosary, which is not only irreligious, but also a possible choking hazard.

8 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

These haricuts are offensive. Even the people with the haircuts think so.

9 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

Giving new meaning to "having bullets for nipples", Gaga is raising the bar in bra art by adding rifles to the cup tips. The number of groups of people that could plausibly be offended by this runs so high that, at this point, it's possible for the mind, and the eye, to wander and realise that actually, as overdressed, crazy-dressed and underdressed as she is in this video, for once, Gaga really isn't the one worth watching here.

10 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

Look at the man to her right. No more expressive a pout has been seen on a dancer since Madonna decided to go on tour supported only by a troupe of angry giant ducks in spandex.

11 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

And if you go back and watch the whole thing again, you realise that while you were distracted by the face of Gaga, there were many more entertaining faces in the background.

These dancers, in fact, are the most impressive bunch of gurning hoofers that have ever graced a music video.

12 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

In fact, while there were elements of other Gaga videos that merited rewatching, the only thing that makes repeated viewings of Alejandro inoffensive is the fact that with each viewing comes a face more impressively pouty and ridiculous than the last.

And if there was any justice in this video, it would end in a glorious celebration of everyone pulling their best face, in the worst pudding-bowl haircut they've ever been made to wear. But there isn't, because it's been directed by a fashion photographer. So it ends like this instead:

13 Lady Gaga Alejandro Photograph: YouTube

Which is frankly offensive.

Yes, I wish to add my name to the list of the offended. I'm offended that Lady Gaga and Stephen Klein have decided that what it takes to make a publicly loved, critically lauded nine-minute "event" video, is just to make a nine-minute video, and that the rest will fall into place. Not so.

Making nine-minute videos is fine. The offence is in wasting my time when they turn out to be as dull as this one.