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Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Do you ever question your own strength? I ask myself am I strong, am I tough? I might put on a tough exterior but I'm very weak underneath it all. I want to be strong not just appear strong. I want to give strength to those who need it. But giving that strength to others drains me of my own energy. I give all my energy when I teach, hence I'm always tired during the school year. I've give my energy and strength to bolster my parents during their time of urgency. I give my energy and efforts to SL as well. What does that leave me with? Well, if you were following along I have nothing left.

So the question at hand is am I tough enough? Recently, something in my RL has tested me. Shortly after my parents celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. He was told initially that if untreated he would have 6 months, that the cancer was inoperable, and radiation was out of the equation. My dad was already a survive of colon cancer but the cancer had reappeared near his surgical incision and had metastasized to his liver. He was given an 11% chance of survival. My father's faith in God and his faith in his doctors had gotten him through the first bout of cancer and I believed and prayed for a miracle and we got it the first time. But, why am I doubting a miracle this time? Is my faith less? Is my dad's faith less? No! This time I'm scared! That's the difference. I am scared of loosing him, I'm scared for my mother, and I'm scared for my father. Each time I see my father I want to hug him, cry with him, scream and fight for him. Instead I give him my strength, I put on a face of courage, I act like he's already won the battle. If it wasn't for my friends here in SL and RL I wouldn't be able to even think about getting out of my bed or leaving my home. Without being aware that I need their support my students have given my their strength as well.

Like Leonardo da Vinci said; "I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death." Maybe, just maybe, I am tough enough!