LATEST DIALOGUES The Science of Happiness: Why complaining is literally killing you

Sometimes in life, all the experience and knowledge simmering around in that ol’ consciousness of ours combines itself in a way that suddenly causes the cerebral clockwork to click into place, and in this fluid flow of thought we find an epiphany rising to the surface.

One such point for me came in my junior year at University. It changed the way I viewed the world forever as it catapulted me out of the last of my angsty, melancholic youth and onto a path of ever-increasing bliss. Sounds like I’m verging on feeding you some new-agey, mumbo-jumbo, doesn’t it? Well, bear with me, because I assure you the point here is to add some logical evidence to the ol’ cliches, to give you what I would consider my Science of Happiness.

At the time of this personal discovery, I was pursuing a double-major in Computer Science and Psychology. Aside from these declared interest, I also had an affinity for (Eastern) Philosophy and Neuroscience. This led to semester course load comprising of two 300-level psychology courses, one 300-level philosophy course, and a graduate-level artificial intelligence course for both biology and computer science majors. This amalgamation of studies quickly tore my brain into a dozen directions, and when I put the pieces back together, I found myself resolute with rational reasons for optimism and for removing from my life the people who liked to complain.

1. “Synapses that fire together wire together.” This was the first phrase my AI professor told the classroom, and to this day it is still one of the most profound bits of logic I hold onto in order to dictate the decisions of my life. The principle is simple: Throughout your brain there is a collection of synapses separated by empty space called the synaptic cleft. Whenever you have a thought, one synapse shoots a chemical across the cleft to another synapse, thus building a bridge over which an electric signal can cross, carrying along its charge the relevant information you’re thinking about. It’s very similar to how nerves carry electric from the sensation in your toe all the way up to your brain where it’s actually “felt”.

Here’s the kicker: Every time this electrical charge is triggered, the synapses grow closer together in order to decrease the distance the electrical charge has to cross. This is a microcosmic example of evolution, of adaptation. The brain is rewiring its own circuitry, physically changing itself, to make it easier and more likely that the proper synapses will share the chemical link and thus spark together–in essence, making it easier for the thought to trigger. Therefore, your first mystical scientific evidence: your thoughts reshape your brain, and thus are changing a physical construct of reality. Let that sink in for a moment before you continue, because that’s a seriously profound logic-bomb right there.

2. Shortest Path Wins the Race. Beyond the absolutely incredible fact that your brain is always doing this, consistently shifting and morphing with every thought, even more exciting is the fact that the synapses you’ve most strongly bonded together (by thinking about more frequently) come to represent your default personality: your intelligence, skills, aptitudes, and most easily accessible thoughts(which are more-or-less the source of your conversation skills).

Let’s dig deeper into the logic behind that. Consider you have two pairs of people throwing a ball back and forth. One pair stands ten feet apart, the other at a distance of 100 feet. One partner from each team throws their ball to their respective partners at the exact same moment with the exact same speed. The first team that catches the ball gets to dictate your personal decision and mental state of mind.

So which team will get the ball first? Basic physics of distance, time, velocity tell us that it will always be the pair standing 10 feet apart. Well this is basically how your thoughts work. Through repetition of thought, you’ve brought the pair of synapses that represent your proclivities closer and closer together, and when the moment arises for you to form a thought ( and thus throw our metaphorical ball of electric energy), the thought that wins is the one that has less distance to travel, the one that will create a bridge between synapses fastest.

3. Acceptance vs Regret, Drift vs Desire, Love Vs Fear.
In the time of my scholastic renaissance, this is where Eastern Philosophy came in and handed me a sort of Occam’s Razor of simplicity that I could use to strengthen my forming ideology.

It was simple, every time a moment came my way and brought with it a chance for reactive thought, my two choices were simple, regardless of the flavor you put on them: Love or Fear; Acceptance or Regret; Drift or Desire; Optimism or Pessimism.

And now, my friends, we have our two pairs playing catch.

Naturally, for my own well-being, I realized that all I wanted to do was move the pair of lovers closer together so they would always beat the fearful, pessimistic pair. And so I began to implement a practice into my life of loving everything that came my way, accepting it while relinquishing the need for control. The Buddhists say that the universe is suffering, and I believe this is because the universe is chaos, and thus by its very nature out of our control. When we try to force desires, we are bound to find innumerable occasions where the universe will not comply. And so I decided to stop desiring to the point of attachment. I started to practice the acceptance that Buddhists speak upon, to Drift in the Tao, to accept the natural flow with an optimistic love, to say to every moment that came my way, good or bad, “thank you for the experience and the lesson, and now bring on the next moment so I can give it the same love.” Over and over I did this, moving those synapses closer and closer together, to the point where any synapses in my brain associated with sadness, regret, pessimism, fear, desire, melancholy, depression, etc had a smaller and smaller chance of triggering before the synapses of love gave me my reaction, my thoughts, my personality. And so my default state become one of optimism and appreciation, and the illusory burdens

I attached to this existence lessened.

Now, as I pointed out, nature appreciates chaos, and our brain is no different. And so it’s important that I point out that this obviously is not a fool proof practice that will completely eradicate negativity from your consciousness; sometimes emotion weighs too heavy and sometimes the pair that catches the chemical charge will be the negative one; but, like any muscle, if you exercise those loving synapses enough, you will find yourself in possession of a new innate strength that will make the world shine more beautifully far more frequently. You will also find yourself being far more happy because of better health–which I’ll get to in just a moment, but hold on, because we’ve got one more point to discuss beforehand.

4. Mirror-Neurons. So if your mind hadn’t already exploded when you learned you could alter reality with your thoughts, you may want to get ready for it. Because guess what? It’s not just your thoughts that can alter your brain and shift those synapses; the thoughts of those around you can do it as well.

If there’s any ability that truly separates us from our primate ancestors, it’s that of imagination. It’s the root of all art and architecture, of the (fictional) stories that formed religions that now control the lives of billions—even to the point of war over which fairytale is the “right one.”

That human failing aside, imagination lets us live in the past and in the future, and by escaping the present moment we can use our memories of the past to predict what will happen in the future; ie: I know from past experience that fire burns skin, so I know inside my minds-eye that if I stick my hand into a fire I will lose my flesh. This is so instinctual we don’t even recognize it’s constantly happening with every symbol that we’re perceiving in our day-to-day moments. But it is this ability that allows us to navigate the complexity of our society. Even more exciting is the fact that this skill also works with emotions, not just situations.

The premise, again, is quite simple: When we see someone experiencing an emotion ( be it anger, sadness, happiness, etc), our brain “tries out” that same emotion to imagine what the other person is going through. And it does this by attempting to fire the same synapses in your own brain so that you can attempt to relate to the emotion you’re observing. This is basically empathy. It is how we get the mob mentality, where a calm person can suddenly find themselves picking up a pitchfork against a common enemy once they’re influenced by dozens of angry minds. It is our shared bliss at music festivals, or our solidarity in sadness during tragedies.

But it is also your night at the bar with your friends who love love love to constantly bitch, whether it’s about their job, the man, the government, or about their other so-called friend’s short-comings, or whatever little thing they can pick apart in order to lift themselves up and give themselves some holier-than-thou sense of validation when you nod your head in acquiescence, agreeing like a robot afraid of free-thought : “Totally, man. It’s bullshit.”

But it’s not bullshit. It’s life, it’s chaos, and as you continually surround yourself with this attitude, you are continually trying out this attitude by firing the synapses in your brain. And as I explained above, every time you fire these synapses, you’re reshaping your brain. This is why it is so important to spend time with people who lift you up, because your friends are moving those fearful, cynical, pessimistic synapses closer together, making your default, short-path-personality as jaded and bitter as your peers. Want to be happy? Surround yourself with happy people who rewire your brain towards love, not towards fear of being invalidated. [[EDIT 11/8/15 : I’m NOT saying don’t be there for friends who are having a hard time and need an ear or who need to work through a difficult situation. Nor am I saying you can’t be critical about the failings and injustices in the world. Positive change usually requires critical thought.]]

5. Stress will kill you. You see, the thing about all this negativity, of regretting, of attachment to desires, of pointless complaining about impermanent things that will always continue to pass in an existence where time moves forward—the thing is: it all causes stress. When your brain is firing off these synapses of anger, you’re weakening your immune system; you’re raising your blood pressure, increasing your risk of heart disease, obesity and diabetes, and a plethora of other negative ailments–as psychologytoday points out below.

The stress hormone, cortisol, is public health enemy number one. Scientists have known for years that elevated cortisol levels: interfere with learning and memory, lower immune function and bone density, increase weight gain, blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease… The list goes on and on. Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels also increase risk for depression, mental illness, and lower life expectancy. This week, two separate studies were published in Science linking elevated cortisol levels as a potential trigger for mental illness and decreased resilience—especially in adolescence.Cortisol is released in response to fear or stress by the adrenal glands as part of the fight-or-flight mechanism. — psychologytoday

And if you need more evidence for the damaging effects of stress, there are innumerable more studies that show the negative impacts of pessimism, bitterness, and regret on your health. Here’s one from the MayoClinic and another from APA.

The bottom line is this:
The universe is chaotic, from unpreventable superstorms of wind and rain, to unpredictable car accidents or to the capricious whims of our peers whose personal truths even have the ability to emotionally damage or physically hurt others. And every moment holds the potential to bring you any one of these things, any shade along the gradient of spirit-soaring bliss and soul-crushing grief.

But regardless of what it brings your way, your choice is simple: Love or Fear. And yes, I understand it’s hard to find happiness on those nights when you feel like you’re all alone in the world, when a loved one passes, when you fail that test or get fired from that job; But when these moments come, you do not have to live in regret of them, you don’t have to give them constant negative attention and allow them to reshape your brain to the point that you become a bitter, jaded, cynical old curmudgeon that no longer notices that the very fact that they’re alive means they get to play blissfully in this cosmic playground where you get the godlike power of choice.

What you can do is say; “Yes, this sucks. But what’s the lesson? What can I take away from this to make me a better person? How can I take strength from this and use it to bring me closer to happiness in my next moment?” You see, a failed relationship or a bad day doesn’t have to be a pinion to your wings, it can be an updraft that showcases to you what things you like and don’t like, it can show you the red flags so that you can avoid them. If there was a personality your ex-partner had that drove you insane, then you now have the gift of knowing you don’t want to waste your time with another partner who acts the same way.

If you are mindful to the lessons of the failures, there is no reason that you can’t make the default of every day better than the one before it. Do something new everyday, learn its lesson, choose love over fear, and make every day better than the last. The more you do this, the more you will see and appreciate the beauty of this existence, and the happier you’ll be.

We like you too :)

Science and Nonduality provides a forum where preeminent scientists, philosophers, teachers, artists and a large, international community gather to explore and advance the new paradigm emerging in spirituality, that is both grounded in cutting-edge science and consistent with the ancient wisdom of nonduality — the deep understanding of the interconnectedness of life.

I prefer to give the Universe a Name..lol..God…..and God is Love and God is Unseen Spirit

1John 4:11 Dear friends, since God loved us this much, we must love each other.

:12 No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is truly in our hearts.

:13 God has given us his Spirit. That is how we know that we are one with him, just as he is one with us.

:14 God sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. We saw his Son and are now telling others about him.

:15 God stays one with everyone who openly says that Jesus is the Son of God. That’s how we stay one with God

:16 and are sure that God loves us. God is love. If we keep on loving others, we will stay one in our hearts with God, and he will stay one with us.

:17 If we truly love others and live as Jesus did in this world, we won’t be worried about the day of judgment.

:18 A real love for others will chase those worries away. The thought of being punished is what makes us afraid. It shows that we have not really learned to love.

1Jo 4:19 We love …..because God loved us first.

Also before their was Eastern Philosophy…their was Middle Eastern Philosophy…it all came from the God of Abraham…so in a Nutshell this is what Steven Parton has discovered:

Philippians 4:8 Finally, my brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are right, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue and if there is any praise, think on these things.

:9 Do those things which you have also learned and received and heard and seen in me. And the God of peace shall be with you. <

:10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me has flourished again. Although you indeed did think, but you lacked opportunity.

:11 Not that I speak according to need, for I have learned to be CONTENT in whatever state I am.

Shalom and Blessings to You ad CJ

Funny co-incidence..I wrote a song about that back in 2007…and my friend Big Country Mike recorded it here:

I’m sure your heart is in the right place, but your awareness of history is not. You might want to read up on this. Before there was Middle Eastern Philosophy, there was Eastern Philosophy. It won’t take much time or effort to sort that out. It definitely did not all come from the imaginary god of Abraham. The revealed wisdom of Abrahamic religions are all pretty childish in comparison to actual wisdom traditions. Keep the books open brother!

Not so fast Pardo..Please check out the Ruins of Gobekli Tepe, and its connection to Noah’s Ark with the non indiginous animals carved in stone that are a very compelling find…doncha think..or doncha <

Yes, indeed, I do! It is a fascinating place, but I don’t think there is any connection to Noah’s Ark per se. I certainly do believe there was a great flood back then though. There are literally thousands of flood myths from most cultures around the entire globe.

But at Gobekli Tepe the animal depictions are more likely astrological as the monoliths are aligned toward the cardinal directions, as well as certain stars and star clusters.

Recording a flood myth in the Bible–based on a real event–does not make everything else in that book true. Nor can it establish the Bible as the progenitor of older wisdom traditions from other parts of the world.

Revealed wisdom is inherently spurious as it is ultimately based on “because I said so” information. Although I agree it is cool that some stories in the Bible more or less check out!

Steven..”because I said so” is the mantra of most parents…its like “Father knows Best”…and once we grow up and become parents ourselves..we realize that the world does not revolve around us ..but sadly some never grow up 🙁

And speaking of Stars.. who aligined the Stars in the Sky…from the Virgin Birth Virgo..to become the Lion King Leo ?… Its no co incidence who they are speaking about…So Steven..the Choice is yours…You can Believe God and His Word..and lets Jesus heal up your deadly wound..or you can Suture Self…if you get my Drift <

February 28, 2016
at
11:58 am,
pardo44
said:

Hahaha… you are funny, and you have a nice, yet persistent attitude and I appreciate it. But the stars aren’t “aligned,” my friend; they only appear that way from our position on this planet. We humans are relentlessly creative and love making up stories to explain why things are the way they are. The Bible is one great example of that. But they are just stories after all. Written by people. A long time ago, in a very superstitious age.

The leap to trusting the creator of the universe wrote that particular book and that I should believe it over all of the other–frequently more plausible–books of wisdom is too reckless for me.

And it was really only a minor flesh wound… very much on the mend! 🙂

February 28, 2016
at
3:15 pm,
Reg-Thoris Sappie
said:

I see you are a man of Science in your bit on DNA…how do you explain such a complicated Code..Do you believe in an Intelligent Code Writer…??

February 28, 2016
at
7:10 pm,
pardo44
said:

I write prose, not code, so I couldn’t begin to explain the incredible depth and complexity of DNA. And my only opinion on any creator of that code is that such a being would be fundamentally non human and non gender, and therefore profoundly, inexorably unknowable.

That means those who purport to write books in “his” name (and many of those who follow them) are often arrogant, calculating, and trying to control others for their own gain. Unsurprisingly, that taste of reality has been lingering on our tongues for millennia.

And even those who actually do perceive a glint–or a bolt–of truth will always necessarily shade it through their own cultural filter, leaving us with a multiplicity of such tales that can sometimes conflict with others coming from the same source.

Sorting out this mess requires making a concerted effort to check out as many of these stories as you possibly can and see where they resonate. Believing in Christianity, or whatever you learned on daddy’s knee, doesn’t give you a special one-way ticket to paradise. Heaven and Hell are just stories made up by people pretending to know what they are talking about. They don’t.

Of course, the scientists who try to tell us this is all cold, random chance don’t know what they’re talking about either. At best, they keep up with the latest discoveries from all fields and can intelligently synthesize them. Few try and fewer can.

The best we can do is make our current life the best and most uplifting it can be. Be here with me now. I don’t need any more fantasies about the next life. I’m busy with this one.

February 28, 2016
at
10:38 pm,
Dizzy Dogz
said:

I enjoyed that!

February 29, 2016
at
6:18 pm,
Reg-Thoris Sappie
said:

Steven…Im sure you enjoy the prose you write..each one is your special Creation..one might even say you Love them…and so it is with our creator…and He wants to make Himself Known to us as “Our Father”…have you ever experienced that kind of Love Steven …if not Just let Father God Love you ? Once you feel that Love…you will be complete IN Him… and you will want to return that Love…Peace and Blessings will abound in your Life <

February 29, 2016
at
8:14 pm,
pardo44
said:

Let’s agree to disagree on this topic.

Peace and blessings do abound in my life, and without the contortions necessary for me to invent a father in heaven to provide them. I just don’t believe in such things; they do not make sense to me.

I believe you will be a deeper and more understanding soul if you can more willingly allow those around you to find their own way. If you notice someone is really lost you should reach out and help guide them as honestly as you can. But if they have clearly found their own path you would do best to honor it.

March 03, 2016
at
6:35 pm,
Reg-Thoris Sappie
said:

Will do Steven..but remember…if Im wrong …you got nothing to loose..but if your wrong..you will die in your sin…think about forever darkness..eek

Take a Tip from Famous Amos…and as you draw your last breath..Call out to the Lord

Amos 5:8 The LORD made the stars, the Pleiades and Orion. He turns darkness into daylight and day into night. He calls for the waters of the sea and pours them out on the earth. His name is the LORD.

Amo 9:6 The LORD builds his home in the heavens, and over the earth he puts the dome of the sky. He calls for the waters of the sea and pours them out on the earth. His name is the LORD!

Romans 10:9, “that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” Because of Jesus’ death on our behalf, all we have to do is believe in Him, trusting His death as the payment for our sins – and we will be saved!

Romans 10:13 says it again, “for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Jesus died to pay the penalty for our sins and rescue us from eternal death. Salvation, the forgiveness of sins, is available to anyone who will trust in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. <

This was an awesome scientific eye opener…loved it until I got to —imagination being the root of the ‘fictional’ stories of religions…and that is a human failing. (Paraphrased)

Is this an article about The science of Happiness: Why complaining is literally killing you, or a soapbox for how stupid people are for embracing the myth of God? And yes, I know, you didnt explicitly say the word stupid, or mention God for that matter. I guess I was just sharing my viewpoint of what I thought you meant…Distracting distracting distracting. And you achieved that distraction in less than two sentences. Congrats.

Would have preferred your religious conclusions left out. Don’t really feel it has any place in a scientifically based article. Keep your sassy writer’s voice though…that was cool.

Whether you ‘believe’ or not is not the point…the religious topic is so charged that it totally distracts from the main point.

On a side note—That viewpoint you shared deserves its own special paper, research and try to prove it. Scientifically. Now that would be interesting! Thumbs up on the research and writing style of this article. Let me know when you prove that the stories are really fables. Kudos on your pluck.

All stories are fictional in some sense. Even History ends up being somewhat fictional and imperfect no matter how well we try to do it. All this comes back to another scientifically proven human weakness, the fragility of our memories. Many studies show that each time you recall something you end up changing that memory and reshaping it with your other experiences (even if it is just a minuscule amount each time, and you barely notice it).

All this to say that all those old religious books (whatever your preferred religion may be) can also be considered imperfect as they were written by imperfect humans over the ages. I am not trying to say that everything is wrong but only that you should not get hung up in the details since those details might just be the result of the imperfections of the memory of all the humans that were responsible to bring those stories from when those events took place to the present time.

So in the end it seems pretty stupid that human beings are going to war over those old books because of details that matter not. If you squeeze the knowledge of all those old books they’re pretty much all telling the same (to sum it up they all basically say: “Don’t be an ass and be nice to others!”) but most people seem to be missing the forest for the trees.

Additionally all those old religious books are also in line with what this article is all about, i.e. choose love over fear, so this is not a new message (a guy even got killed over it 2000 years or so ago).

I really hope that one day most of the people finally get the message and then Humanity can really move forward and start building something great as a whole. We might even get to build ourselves a paradise, but on this world not on another hypothetical one. BTW this is my only “faith”… 😉

Sugapes, that was beautifully said. I agree whole-heartedly. War over a belief system, or harm in any manner over said beliefs is just sad. You have a good heart.

The only point I wanted to make was that once a belief system opinion is out there, (whatever it is and regardless of whether that opinion is right or wrong), people will focus on that religious statement-especially if it is different than their own.

And while I understand why the author brought it up I feel religious minded statements should be in an article about, well, religious centered subject matter. I think another less distracting ‘example’ of the imagination mind connection could have been used.

If you breeze thru the comments you’ll see some people not being able to get past that religious statement. I was looking at this article from a writing stand point. Religion will distract from main topic everytime…even if it relates to how we think…it will cause an off topic commentary.

But I suppose that happens anyway no matter what the topic. We are humans with ‘imagination’, lol.

I didn’t agree at all with the religious viewpoints of the universe and evolution (except that [false] religions are most definitely “fictional stories” that have controlled the thoughts and actions of countless people throught world history), but I am open-minded enough to overlook our differences and was able to appreciate the valuable information presented in this article without being distracted by those things I disagreed with. Not sure if your comment is a compliment or a criticism, but it leans more toward the negative, which encouraged my support of the author. I find many relevant truths here, and as stated previously, most religions are based on the premise of peace, love, and happiness/good will toward others. I am glad to see the science behind my own religion (which is often highly criticized by its opponents) is acknowledged and validated by someone in the scientific/philosophic community. This article supports so many verses from the Bible that talk about love and being content in any circumstance; ideas that non-Christians don’t always comprehend. Even many Christians can’t get past some of these teachings when life doesn’t go the way they think it should. I believe this article is well written and will shed some much needed light on the discipline of “taking every thought captive” and being a “light to the world”. Thanks Steven Parton, for taking the time to share your wisdom and insight! Will be sharing on my FB timeline 🙂

This is an interesting concept… but impractical. The authentic methodology of how to not be affected by your brain and it’s myriad thoughts (both good and bad) is not to ATTACH to those thoughts. Let them pass and don’t over-analyze or beat yourself up because they entered your mind. Don’t attach to them and let them pass, more thoughts are certainly on their way behind them…

I guess the part I don’t understand is classifying pain as a bad thing. Pain and negativity don’t seem like the same thing to me. Avoidance of pain, or trying to minimize pain, is one of the American and eastern attitudes that I find shallow and can’t really understand. Pain seems to be a real part of life, and part of being deeply connected and alive. I am not sure it should be shunned. Am I wrong?

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