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Quit Hating Her

June 22, 2016

WARNING: Contains profanity & triggering language.

Got this message on my public Facebook page last night.

I get these kind of messages often. It is not possible to be a woman who speaks up about anything and NOT receive messages like this. Misogynists have threatened to rape me, come to my home and kill my family, and silence me in myriad violent ways — and more often than not, when there is this kind of hateful message the word they call me is: Cunt.

Cunt is a hard word. It makes us cringe right? It feels scary. Words feel scary when they are MEANT to feel scary. Misogynists call women cunts when they are trying to instill fear, trying to put us back in our place, trying to remind us that what our identity boils down to is: our cunt. And our cunt is really all we’re permitted to use, not our brain or heart or voice or passion or anger or even body, really. And so when a man calls me a cunt, I know what he is saying: Know your worth — you are nothing. You are here for no other reason than for me to use. So lie down and shut up. There is violence implied and that’s not an accident. There is a snarled lip and maybe a knife, even.

I went to sleep after reading that message. I woke up to this screenshot from Sister:

Here is the thing that misogynists need to keep relearning:

If you call a woman a cunt, you are calling your sister and your mother and your infant daughter a cunt also. You are actively creating a world in which it is okay to call those women cunts. You are releasing poison into the air that the women in your life WILL BREATHE BACK IN. You are poisoning your own people. You cannot hate a woman for speaking her mind without hating all of us. Women are a package deal.

There are not two of you, sir. There is not you, the father – and you, the internet misogynist. The internet you IS YOU. If you are a misogynist on the internet, you are also a misogynist in your daughter’s nursery. While you are holding her. While you are whispering to her your dreams for her: That she uses her heart and her mind and her passion to live a big life of purpose.

That’s what you want for her right? That’s what all women want. To be able to be fully human without the threat of violence.

Quit hating your daughter, sir. She’s a Warrior.

When we know better, we do better. You know better now. Step up. For her.

Here’s the thing: according to biology, the female “cunt” is valuable. Females produce one sexual cell every month, while males produce millions in a day. The famale is the one to gestate the offspring, breastfeed, and of all mammals our children seem to have the longest period of need, taken care of by their parents, unable to obtain food on their own or precreate themselves. Procreation is, of course, the definition of life itself.

So when a man calls you a “cunt”, it is only made violent through his ignorance of what your cunt is worth. The value of our procreative energy input means the male is supposed to be solely responsible for bringing in the wealth once we are caring for the children. To expect the female’s economic contribution on top of the visceral input of her procreative powers, is to work her double-time. It is beyond our physical and social evolution, and the working female does not breed as much.

I’ve been in several violent encounters with my husband. Every single one has boiled down to his work productivity, and his sharing of financial resources with me. He has become verbally and physically violent with me when he has failed to make as much money as he expected, and when he has hoarded his money trying to keep it from me. The laws still, thankfully, point out that the wife is worth 40-46% of your income if she bears your children, even in the event you separate.

Just as it can be understood that male violence is caused by his financial failings to the female, it is known that men who listen to their wives ideas are more successful financially and in family building.

They are both cunts. In fact, they are professional cunts. They have fostered their reputations very deliberately, and they make a point of making revolting statements in order to upset people and engender very specific reactions.

At the moment, Hopkins is using the death of her grandfather to elicit sympathy. How anyone perceives this is, of course, up to them, but I would ask you to juxtapose these two statements that she has publicly made.

On the death of her grandfather:

“Why does death come so slowly and yet so fast when waiting for a loved one to slip away?”

On refugee children’s corpses being washed up on beaches:

“Show me pictures of coffins, show me bodies floating in water, play violins and show me skinny people looking sad. I still don’t care.”

I am pretty certain that no-one here would see this last statement and think that it is anything less than fucking disgusting. It is obvious that many here would balk at calling her a cunt, and that is their right. However, I am truly offended that it is suggested that if I call this appalling human being a cunt, then I am also doing this to my beautiful daughter and my lovely wife. Or actually, any other woman.

It is not a term that I use regularly, especially to refer to a woman, but I don’t understand why I am “allowed” to call a man it, and not a woman, without my motivation for both uses judged by someone who does not know me at all?

Katie Hopkins is a cunt. And me saying that does not mean I am not Sean Melton. She is a cunt because she says shocking things to gain notoriety and infamy. She sees refugees as sub human, and does not care when children escaping wars are forced from their homes and die in their desperate attempt to survive. And not only does she not care, she wears this appalling lack of empathy like a badge of honour.

I am a nice guy. I am not perfect, but I certainly do not have an issue with women because I call someone who deliberately acts like a cunt, a cunt. I have fought misogyny for years, often to my detriment, because so many men see the situation as “us and them”, and react very aggressively when they are faced with what they see as a traitor. I despise misogyny in all its forms.

But Katie Hopkins is still a cunt, and me calling her this does not mean I am a misogynist.

“You cannot hate a woman for speaking her mind without hating all of us. Women are a package deal.”

Nah, sorry, that isn’t fair or true. If Katie Hopkins wants to laugh in the face of dead children, then it is not remotely fair to liken this to another woman who has benign political views that one simply might disagree with. Women are not a homogeneous mass who all speak for women everywhere when they strike an opinion.

Katie Hopkins is a cunt, and she makes a living out of being one. And me calling a spade a spade does not mean I think on any level that someone who has the same chromosomes is the same.

So this had never ever happened to me before Saturday night when I told a story about how much my daughter Grace loved you and Abby on Abby’s facebook page. And then there was a reply from some guy named Matt who said similar things about me. Abby’s admin took care of it pretty fast but I was so SURPRISED. I saw it while we were in the car and my husband was driving to dinner and I literally gasped. Anyway, love this post–love you–Grace loves Abby.

As an aside, my husband says that I tell so many stories about Gracie’s great love of Abby that you guys are either going to just show up for dinner one night or take out a restraining order. =)

I always try to be as polite as possible, I call people Mr./Miss/ma’am etc until given their permission to call them by their first name. I hold doors open for either sex, small kids etc. because I am a special ed teacher it’s sort of a bad habit. I am male but I have been called that name many times some in faith discussions, a few times by police along with a bunch of other explicative etc. That was a bit ago. Back in the USENET days, every other word was some derogatory remark cuss word, especially in the Christian sections. I never minded it much but when I heard it referred to women it made me very angry because it carries so much baggage and wounds deeply. It is like using racial epitaphs especially the “n” word. The F word etc also carry that kind of wounding as well.

What I always got frustrated about even more in the evangelical corporation was the threats of physical harm, the intimidation, the attempts to get a person fired, kicked out of their home, make them go bankrupt, lose health insurance, lose their church, lose their family, abandoned when sick, taking money, lying, manipulating, protecting child abuse perpetrators and people who abuse their wives. These are a cottage industry in the Evangelical corp. If anyone has ever been through a church split you will see some of this if not all of it. Or you have been part of a power play to have a church or denomination take over by some true believer crowd who think God talks to them. I still remember people online praying for my death because we had a doctrinal disagreement, I joined right on in at the time even offering God a few choice ways he could take me out. I am very Glad God is merciful and forgave my arrogance and pride for not answering those prayers. I am often glad God does not give me what I want at a time but that is another post.

In the modern evangelical corp being police is seen as a character flaw, one should be a go-getter, an overcomer, a warrior for Jesus, not politically correct etc. I never understood that myself. I am deeply sorry to any women whom have been blasted or demeaned it is not right, ever.

Words used with the intent of insulting others reveal a hierarchy of dominance and submission defined along lines of gender. Calling someone a “c—” is not the same as calling someone a “dick.” Basically, “c—” implies submission and weakness, whereas a “dick” is someone who abuses their power, dominating over and against others. “Don’t be a dick” has an entirely different meaning from “Don’t be a c—.”

These two types of insults (along with other corresponding words) are not equally interchangeable — which is really the whole point: conformity to a sexual hierarchy — a conformity which is damaging to both males and females in different ways. In this way, it is comparable to “n—–” and “honky.” Not all insults are equal, and this is due to the underlying power structure that such epithets express. Calling someone a “dick” in such a context is not at all the same thing as calling someone a “c—.”

Where there are such hierarchies of power, there is always violence lurking not far under its surface.

For the love of God, will there be a man in this forum who stands up and acknowledges that these are heavily gendered insults, directed in a specifically biting way towards women? Reading the comments here breaks my heart both for the women who have dealt with this nonsense and for the men who want to jump up and shout “double standard” because someone called them a ‘dick”.

Guess what! There is a double standard! It’s that men get to engage very differently with the world than women do, and very rarely do we worry about a gendered insult or feel like this type of verbal sexualized violence is directed towards us. And really, when was the last time someone called me a “dick” as if my anatomy all of a sudden made what I’m saying irrelevant? IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFE!

I’ve never been as ignorant or angry as this Sean guy from the post, but I’ve said my share of stupid things. But being a father of three incredible daughters has changed me a lot. Hopefully he will change too…

Cuneiform”, the most ancient form of writing, derives from “kunta” meaning “female genitalia” in Sumerian of ancient Iraq. It was also spelled “quna,” which is the root of “queen.” Since priestesses were known to be accountants/administrators of Temple of Inanna in Sumeria c.3100 B.C. when Cuneiform was first used, it is highly likely that cuneiform was “the sign of the kunta” who kept the books (clay tablets) for the temple economy/redistribution of wealth that evolved from communal economics of ancient mother-cultures.

Calliing a woman a “cunt”, is actually calling her a “QUEEN who invented writing and numerals.”

I strongly encourage you to visit a Youtube site, Marriage Today, by Jimmy and Karen Evans. They are amazing and can help you and your husband truly understand what’s going on with your dynamics. If you can get your husband to watch just one, he won’t feel threatened and may even become humbled. Please, please try it.

So it’s cool to call someone a dick, a prick, a cock, a knob, a bellend, etc, but as soon as I call someone a cunt I’m an evil misogynist right? Genuinely curious because I’m a trans woman with a penis and I’m wondering why it’s cool for some women’s genitals to be revered above being used as an insult, but others’ aren’t.

So, my daughter came home one day (age 6 going on 35) asking what a bitch meant. I used the word several times in my explanation to take the mystical draw out of it. I told her bitch was actually a word for a female dog but sometimes people use this word to put down girls and women. Sometimes it’s said out of anger and not directed towards anyone personally. I also explained that it wasn’t just this word that had some deeper power to hurt. If she called someone stupid with the same intent of hurting them, to me…it’s the same as bitch. What matters most about the words that come out of our mouths is the intent in our hearts. That needs to be checked. So we talk often about the power of the tongue and, while it’s small, it can do great damage. However, before it ever gets to our lips, it’s had awhile to grow in our hearts. That’s where we need to start with our language.

Then there’s really no problem with it though if it’s another term for female. When I’m called a “Bitch.” I perk my brow, smirk, and say “You call me a bitch like it’s a bad thing.” And then I walk away. More responses such as this need to be coming out or else we’re in the same category as the safety pin children hiding in their little bubble.

I think Liz Lemon from 30 Rock summed it up best why the c-word is a horrible word (put simply there’s no male equivalent to that word in the context that it is used to be vile and hateful):

Liz: I’m not upset by cursing. I love cursing. I love it. But this word is not acceptable because there’s nothing you can call a guy back. There is no male equivalent to this word.
Pete: Well, why don’t we come up with one, and then you can call him that? Like, um, “muncus”.
Frank: “Fungdark”
Liz: I’m serious, you guys.
Pete: You’re just in reaction right now. You need to just take a few hours and calm down.
Liz: Don’t tell me to calm down, you Fungdark.
Pete: Yeah, you’re right, it doesn’t work.

My husband called me a cunt a few times last weekend in front of our 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter. Then he said it wouldnt have haoppned if i hadn’t “poked the bear”. He hasn’t apologized and that’s ok. Because it has solidified my action to divorce him. I saw your super soul Sunday and it spoke to my soul. My soul that has been slowly dying for the past 7 years in this marraige. My soul is now coming first. Over this annual of a marraige. Ihave found strength in my wavering decision to stay or go. So thank you for your truth!

I once said to the man I was married to (I refuse to call him “husband” which connotes protector) “Which do you prefer? That I divorce you or kill you?” Of course I was somewhat joking and I divorced him. He was killing my soul with his verbal abuses. I loaded up my little car with my kids and just the basics and I drove off and never looked back.

What does this have to do with the word “cunt”? Show those who use the word the proverbial finger by embracing it. Have a tee shirt printed with the word and wear it. The LGBT community once adopted the word “queer” and guess what? It took the sting off of it’s usage.

That is truly beautiful, Shannon. I left my daughter’s father for the same reason, it’s almost like that word sparks a fury inside that cannot be blown out, once it’s been uttered you can’t take it back. I applaud you for putting your soul first I don’t personally know you, but I know you deserve better. <<>>

I could not agree more… once my ex called me that I knew it was done and I could never go back. It took a few months after that to solidify and go ahead with the break up, but something in my heart could never let it go after that.

Good for you Shannon ! You’re making the right decision ! Your husband is abusing you ! I’ve lived with abuse for 60 years . Now divorcing my husband of 34 years ! These abusers need to be put in their place ! They never stop !

My ex husband calling me a slut, and then doubling down when I asked him to apologize by saying,”I’m sorry you’re a slut.”, was one of the final nails in the coffin of our 16 year marriage.
The one person in the world I expect to not disrespect me in that way is my partner. When I met my current bf almost 3 years ago, I let him know right up front that calling me derogatory names, ever, was an instant deal breaker for me. I’ve also raised my three daughters and son to understand that disrespectful language like that has no place in loving, committed relationships.

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Women are not a packaged deal. Women are their own individuals with their own thoughts personalities, and feelings and we don’t need to be protected from words. There are female seriek killers, Women who abuse their significant others and sons. If women are a packaged deal then im an abuser. Basically it was a stupid thing to say. If a man calls a women a cunt it doesn’t mean he’s calling me or any other woman a cunt. Also using the word cunt doesn’t make someone a misogynistic it’s just an insult used to call out mainly women who are being terrible or irritating just like dick is an insult used mainly against men. If I call a man a dick it doesn’t mean im a misandrist or reducing him to only a body part and that he has to lie back and get raped it just means i was calling him out on something terrible he did.

Hi there,
So nice of you to leave your comment. However, it seems to be terribly uninformed. You see, Glennon was not doing anything to be deserved to be called an insult like this. Actually, no one deserves to be called an insult like this, no matter if well deserved of not. Obviously you ended up at her blog not by chance, so please go and purchase one of her books, it may teach you something. Society nowadays is okay with calling people insults instead of loving everyone fiercely and without limits. I am embarrassed for you, and sad for every woman you love. They deserve to have someone who respects not only them but humans and women as a whole. Someone who respects other’s opinions and people that stand up for what is wrong. Just food for thought.
A

Very well said. I like the fact that you are the only female on this blog that’s hasn’t rounded up the villagers with the pitch forks and torches and attacked “the man” I am saddened that most of these women have the idea of “us” against “them” attitude.

While this is what I always try to do, it’s also good to remember that many of us here have been abused by men. What I’m reading most here is “abusers” vs. “survivors”. And many of us survivors have men in our lives whom we love. And those men wouldn’t do something like this.

That feels fair enough. Yes, women aren’t one monolithic entity nor are we are so tender we can’t handle name calling. I didn’t see anyone saying there aren’t abusive women. I know a few myself. Perhaps it’s generational, but it’s a word I wouldn’t allow in my home nor would I allow it to be said to me by anyone who wanted to be in relationship with me. It could be different for you.

With that said, I look less at the name calling and more at the intention and “energy” behind it. I’ve offhandedly said to someone about another guy, “He’s such a dick.” It’s non-threatening and a way to blow off steam.

That’s different from posting, “You conservative/liberal dick” on his FB page. That takes it to another level that is creepy, at best and aggressive and slanderous at its worse. Also, Glennon clearly doesn’t set that tone on her page. I see people’s FB pages as their front porch and they get to set the tone. Good manners dictates that if you go visit their home, you observe the standards they’ve created and choose to engage or not. It’s mutual respect.

These are not ordinary times. People are getting serious threats for speaking out. Judges have to have security. We have a president who normalized sexual abuse and was elected to the highest office in the land. Glennon and her sister handled this well. Bring it out in the open. Name it. Personalize it and bring it back home to a real life experience and invite this man to see it through the eyes of his baby daughter who lives in a world with a bully as president and bully trolls on the internet.

Finally, many of the comments on this page come from women who’ve experienced some form of abuse. When you’ve been abused and “cunt” was your abusers’ favorite derogatory term, that needs to be seen and witnessed as part of the conversation.

These are some basics that my parents taught me and that I’m trying to pass on to my children. Not always sucessful in the living out of them part, but trying.

#1 No name calling
#2 No cursing
#3 When you have a grievane with someone, pull them aside, because that is what you would want if you did or said something terrible while angry
#4 Forgive ~ Do not let the sun go down on your anger

I actually don’t find that word to be as offensive or vulgar as the “F”-word which Glennon has used rather frequently. I suppose it’s a matter of taste or background, but perhaps if one profane word offends you then you should consider how all profane words (and I realize “profane” is open to interpretation) could offend others. Like the Golden Rule for Profanity 🙂 The “F”-word is beyond offensive even when used in an attempt to be funny. It’s never funny, always makes the person saying it seem cowardly, and it always ruins the attempted punch line. I love the message of using words that only lift us up. Also, sadly, telling someone you are going to pray for his daughter in a clearly snarky tone is taking yourself right down to the level where you think he is. “I’ll pray for you” has somehow become a new version of “F”-you, and I would love to see that stop. P.S. I’m off to a 5am Pilates class….now that’s profane to some 🙂 Happy Tuesday, everyone!

What makes you so sure that Glennon does not genuinely plan on praying for his daughter? She is a woman of faith. And as far as the “F” word, that is the beauty of freedom of speech. You don’t have to read what Glennon has to say.

Wow…in one message you managed to: (1) Tell Glennon her language offends you even though YOU choose to go to her page…Sean posted a comment to Glennon’s page, not the other way around. It is the difference between someone walking into your home and calling you the “C” word and you going into their home where they use the “F” word and being offended by it. Apples and oranges is an understatement, (2) “I suppose it is a matter of taste and background…” is pretty much calling her poor white trash, (3) you totally missed the point of the “C” word and what it means. It is something that in this country is a particularly feminine insult because it conflates female genitalia with violence. It makes reference to the historical belief that women were only good for what is between their legs, (4) you assumed that Glennon was being snarky about her prayers for his daughter, which incidentally says more about you than her, (5) you managed to both humble brag (let me just fashion you a medal real quick for that 5 am class…not the 8 am one…that’s for slackers!!!!) and passive aggressively end a post that was dripping with condescension and negativity with the “Happy Tuesday, Everyone!” and accompanying bullshit happy face emoji. Maybe you should avoid Glennon’s page in the future and use that sunrise Pilates class to think about what energy YOU are putting out in the world.

Thank you. I felt exactly the same way when I read that post but I could have never articulated it the way you did. I would have just screamed inside! Now I feel better that someone else picked up the underlying Yuck!

Oh my god, I had no idea that the word cunt was a magical word. You mean to tell me, that every time I call a women a cunt, I’m telepathically calling every women I’ve ever known or loved a cunt? This one word has so much power! What if I call a man a cunt, because he’s being a cunt? Does it only work on women? What if I just genuinely think someone is being a cunt? Do other genital based words carry this magical ability? Like, what about prick, or dick, or cock, or complex insults, like cock-hat, or cock-gurgling ham-slammer? What about other fem-specific words? Like flesh-lettuce, or ham-sleeve?

This seems to be a purely American thing. You see, using genitals or sex as an insult are older than time itself. When did everyone get so fucking concerned about what dangles between their legs? Whatever. Ironic-sexism seems to be the new, hip thing. Calling a man a prick, cock, sausage-masseuse, dick, pants-gerbil, is just perfectly fine, in fact, I’m sure in SOME circles, it’s encouraged, because yay, girl power! But the moment you call a women anything to do with her vagina, HOLD the FUCK ON YOU AGENT OF THE PATRIARCHY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID? YOU’RE CALLING EVERY WOMEN A CUNT You filthy misogynist you. The very fact that you know this one, magical word, means you hate ALL women. No, just no. You know what I do when someone calls me a “scary word”? I either ignore them, because they’re clearly an idiot, not worth my time, or I turn around and tell them to eat shit. When you get this bent out of shape about a word, that’s how you give a word power over you. Personally, I love the word cunt, because in America, you can’t get legions of privileged white women to spit out their skinny late’s and cry “MISOGYNIST” and sing “We Will Overcome”, like you can with the word fucktard, or nitwhit or asslicker. See, that’s the thing, other curse words are so blase, because no one gives a fuck if you say fuck anymore, they’re not offended, hence that word means nothing anymore. It’s boring. At least, in America.

However, if I ever go to the UK, motherfucker is actually a much more offensive term, because apparently people over there don’t get as bent out of shape by whatever flesh configuration they carry with them in their pants, unless you’re using it on your own mom. If you really want people to stop using the word cunt, stop being so offended by it, because then the fun is gone. Oh, and before you accuse me of “mansplaining”, please, there’s real, English words out there that mean the exact same thing, but don’t carry the ironically sexist baggage of identity politics; “patronizing” and “condescending” are both perfectly fine words. You’ll look more intelligent using real, English words to express yourself, rather than using a made up word, that’s also defeating your purpose by being ironically sexist. Go ahead, call me a patronizing dick. How about a patronizing sausage-peddler? Feels good, doesn’t it?

Yes, actually. Words only have power if you give them power, was really all it boils down to. My only problem is that everything is so gender specific. The part I don’t agree with is, if you call someone a cunt, you are calling every women a cunt. Or that there is implied violence. But, then I suppose it really depends on the context. Sure, I guess if someone calls a women a cunt, and is implying contextually that their genitals are all they’re good for, then yeah, what a fucking knob-goblin. But, most of the time, I just call someone a cunt in the context of someone just being a cunt. But, I guess it’s not all about me. It’s true, there are a lot of real misogynists out there, but no one should take those people seriously, because they just sit around at home angerly masturbating because nobody likes them.

1 : I will try to explain why calling a woman a cunt is calling all women cunts, by using an analogy :

Let’s say humanity is divided in two categories : blond haired persons and brown haired people. Let’s say that since beginning of time, blond haired people are presented like less worthy people than brown haired people. Being brown haired is linked to being strong, courageous, smart, what have you. Being blond haired is linked to being weak, irrational, oversensitive, you see the picture. Well, with time going on, brown haired people throw around « blondie ! » as an insult towards their brown haired fellows, and towards blonde haired people as a general description of why they think these blonde haired people are inferior to them. No need to explain « You are so dumb, so weak, so irrational », because they have ONE word for all of this. Quick and easy. And some blonde haired people start saying it too, in order to demonstrate «It’s not an insult, I claim it back, being blonde is awesome, look how blonde I am! »
Other blonde haired people start to think brown is better, too and cut their hair as short as they can, they tie it in a bun, they try to hide it, they wear hats.

But if you admit that the half of your own family is blonde haired, and they hear you calling another person « blondie » , they might come to you and ask you « But Daddy (or « Darling), I am blonde, too, so do you hate me like you hate this person… !? » What are you saying to THEM ? « No Sweetheart, it has nothing to do with your hair ! » ? If this is true, then find another word for your anger and your hate. Say whatever you really mean, but don’t reduce them to what makes them what they are.
What would you feel if your first name became an insult ? What would you feel every time you heard someone pronounce your beautiful name to insult someone else ? Or yourself ? Would’nt you want to shout « My name is CB and it’s nothing to be ashamed of !!! » ?

Many commenters have said that « brownie » is a thing too and that brown haired people are’nt nearly as offended by it then blonde haired by « blondie ». Well, why would they ? Since the beginning of time, they are told being brown haired is awesome !! They LOVE their brown hair, they compare it to each other, they show it every chance they get, they brag with it, they take pictures of it for the whole world to see on the Internet ! How could it be an insult ? « Hey, look at my brown hair, isn’t it the brownest hair you’ve ever seen ? Brown hair is POWER ! Brown hair is BETTER ! »

So, why are blonde haired people so offended by being called « blondie » ? Might it be because it is thrown around like an insult since the dawn of humanity ? Could it be that blonde haired people have started to BELIEVE being blonde haired is something to be ashamed of ? Like saying « Yes, I am blonde, but please, can we forget that for a while ? Blonde is not all that I am. I am many other things, blonde is not the main thing. You can’t reduce me to only that. »

I don’t know, I too believe that words have only the power you give them. I also believe being blonde is as good as being brunette, I don’t care if you are blonde or brown haired, as long as you are a decent person. I believe insults go both ways : a word can be USED as an insult, and it can be TAKEN as an insult, and it can fire back in both cases : if you call me blondie, I will shrug my shoulders and say « Yes, I am blonde, and ? What do you mean by that ? Can’t you find something more… SPECIFIC ? » And if you call me (searching for what would really make me feeling insulted) « stupid » or « useless », well then I would be pissed. Although these words are polite. See ?

2 : But I also believe in a thing some (not all) women call « mansplaining » (I don’t like this term either) which is something some (not all) men do in order to prove they are right and the woman they are speaking to is wrong, and it goes a little like this :

Man : (says something, could be anything, really)
Woman : Ouch, what a hurtful thing to say !
M: What, « (says it again) » ? C’mon, it’s true, everybody knows this !
W : Well, it hurts !
M : How can it hurt, it’s true, I can prove it !
W: I don’t care if it’s true or not. You’ve hurt me by saying this. I expect you to apologize.
M: How can you not care if it’s true or not ? This is totally silly. Besides, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
W: Well, you did, so I want you to apologize.
M : I am NOT going to apologize for saying something that is TRUE and wasn’t MEANT to hurt you. All you have to do is changing the way you see it. But *I* did nothing wrong, so I won’t apologize. You are being irrational. Besides, even if I apologize, it wont take away words that have been said and heard, apologies are useless.
W: And you are denying my feelings. You’ve hurt my feelings, no matter if you meant to or not, so you have to apologize !
M: I am not responsible for your feelings, I am responsible for my words only. You chose to be hurt by them, you could have chosen otherwise. Just don’t be hurt and all will be well.
W: I can’t chose my feelings, these feelings are HAPPENING to me.
M: This is NOT my fault !
W: I. Am. Hurt !
M : Get ! Over ! It !

Sooo.. Who is wrong and who is right ? I don’t know, probably both. But this mecanism exists, there is no denying that. Maybe we could aknowledge that when we say certain things, although it’s not meant to hurt, some people are in fact being hurt. So, if we know it, maybe we can avoid saying them. And maybe some other people can say « I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt me, so I wont make you apologize. But please notice that what you say can be perceived as insulting, here’s why (be sure to explain why). Can you please think about it ? » Maybe we could all try to become more forgiving and respectful towards persons who are not like us. Because, hey, not two persons are really alike. (« Trying hard not to be a jerk »)
And if you step unwillingly on someones foot, say « sorry ! »

Okay, just to clarify one thing. I’m a British woman and I’m pretty sick of this ‘oh but in the UK women don’t get upset about the word cunt.’ WE DO. We just get called humourless killjoys if we complain about it. But rest assured, mostly we find it aggressive and hideously offensive.

Apologies if someone already said this and I missed it. As a woman, for me the C word is like the N word. It doesn’t matter how much I might logically understand that I shouldn’t let this word hurt me the truth is this word cuts to my soul. My soul. If someone doesn’t get that, I really cannot explain it. But I hope that if you cannot empathise you are at least willing to offer me enough respect not to use that word. I used to think that “words were just words” and that it was wrong to give them more power than their due. But I’ve changed my mind. That has been my consciousness-raising. I take back the power of love and respect and that we need to recognise the sacred in each other. Let’s change the world by beginning with the word. Let’s be gentle with our speech, including our self-talk and ongoing commentary in our heads.

It is safe to say everyone on this measly planet, male or female, has used a word in their life someone else found offensive or derogatory. That said, calling one person a name does not mean you are calling everyone of that gender, race etc. the same name. That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. If I call you a bitch, it’s because I believe YOU are acting like a bitch and THAT is where it ends. AT YOU. Sometimes the things women say make me cringe and I hope people realize not ALL women are overly sensitive expecting to be treated as delicate glass. I DO understand the author’s reasons behind the article and though I do not agree entirely, I do see her point. Yes, behave towards others as you behave towards your loved ones. BUT let’s get real here, you will never care for my feelings, life goals and personal circumstances as a stranger the way you will for someone who is close to you. It is unnatural if you do and I encourage you to get a hobby because you have too much time on your hands. SO, though what the man responsible for this article had said may be rude and uncalled for as he does not know the author, it’s also fair to say for that very reason is why he may say it to her yet never dream of thinking it about his loved ones. HE. DOESN’T. KNOW.HER.

Thank you millions, Glennon, for once again putting into actual, lovely, human words what my heart is feeling. And I’m so sorry you – anyone – is ever spoken to this way. Beyond that, what a beautiful lesson for all of us: There are not two of me. We may be more than the sum of our parts but if I treat ANYONE poorly then I am a person who treats people poorly. The best version of me – of all of us – is the one who lifts others up, respects others even – ESPECIALLY – when we disagree, and sees God in ALL His people, not just the ones who make it easy for us. Thank you for constantly reminding me that love wins!

I’m sorry that you are the target of hate, G. I hope that the love you receive from all of us Warriors helps to drown out the negativity and hatred. I love that sister fought back without sinking to Sean’s level!! So often, these interactions just escalate because people feel the need to stoop lower and shout louder than the guy next to them. Sister’s response shut him down without riling him up further, effectively extinguishing his rage. LOVE IT!!! Thanks once again for being a shining light!

Always a woman to blame, huh? Maybe…men could stop being assholes? Maybe men could take responsibility for their own behavior without pointing to the nearest female-bodied person and yelling “She started it!”

After watching The Vagina Monologues, this word no longer has any power over me. I’ve taught at some rougher high schools. The last time a student threw this in my face, I laughed. I remembered the older woman chanting it on stage, gaining a thrill and some excitement from it. She reclaimed the word and it gave her power instead of taking it away. Words only have the power we give them. As Elenor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

With that being said, your words (and those of your amazing sister) were inspiring in the wake of such hate.

I’ve decided to start
Cunt Cuntry!
Write our own Cunstitution
Let our liberated clit bells ring out:
The Cunts are coming: It’s the Cunt Revolution!
I’d cut through my panties, I’d shake my pube hair loose,
I’d sign my Jane HanCunt in cursive with Cunt juice.
I’d declare the Independence of Clitoris to Shining Clitoris,
Proclaim the Emancipation of all Cunts–
and tell Dicks this:
You’re being drafted for the Big Solution:
Stand Erect, Be Proud,
You’re part of the Cunt Revolution!
Defending our slick, silky, vaginal turf
For all cunted creatures, created or by birth.
And they’d wear buttons with fists raised, that say:
Patriarchy! I survived! Now this Dick’s fighting the Good Fight for
Vaginal Pride!
And kids in school would learn the Her-story
Of the Boston Tea-ch Party,
When Cunt-Liberators tossed Cunt-Traitors into the sea,
Finally felt what it meant to be free.
And they’d learn how color complicated the win,
How White Cunted Creatures had to sacrifice Privilege,
Re-focus Vision for a Real Revolution to happen.
And kids would have weekly field trips
To the Museum of Un-Natural His-Story
With display glass jars of rapist dicks in all their shriveled glory.
And Behind velvet rope, ancient relics of the past, like:
Female Guilt, Circumcision knives, Certificates turning whole people into Wives.

And there’d be torture chamber exhibits
with tall, skinny heels
Inviting little girls to:
Try this, and see how this feels-
Cunted Creatures wore these to work or to anywhere formal:
This Pain was called Sexy. This process was called Normal!
And there’d be old collections of posters like:
Keep Abortion Legal- with a plaque:
Not much is known. But these come from an era when
Insecure Ruling Dickheads thought of
Bodies as something to own.
We’d pledge allegiance to P-Flag
With stars like you– and crooked stripes!
We’d carry passports made from a giant Cunt Mold
In all pubic colors: Gray, Auburn, Ebony, Gold.
We’d ban all commercials of:
Are you not so fresh?
Is your vag repulsive? Do you stink like fish?
And instead, we’d conduct a Cunt Taste-Testing Session,
Get used to the smells of Blood, Yeast, and the Ocean.
And Hothead Paison would lead Alison Bechdel’s Dykes:
Watch out for the Cunt Cuntry Army on Bikes!
There’d be an Esteemed Office called “National Astrologist”
And Cunt Commander in Chief would be… a Gynecologist.
And Michael Moore would be Vice-Pres…
Cause the Cunt Cuntry Court of Legality says:
Possessing a Cunt matters less than possessing
the Cunt Mentality.
And daughters would laugh at old-fashioned terms like
Virgin and Bitch and Whore
As they checked out the newest inventory of vibrators Sold at the corner store.
Because daughters would be freer and dykes would be Freer and dicks would be freer
If we stood up and sang:
My Cunt tis of Thee
My Cunt tis of Thee
Because Cunt is the latin root of Kin and Country
But see, somehow some of our countrymen forgot they had
Sisters, decided to treat us as unwelcome visitors,
Made it hard to have a cunt in this country.
Made it hard to have a cunt in this country.
So, we are starting Cunt Cuntry.
Not out of rebellion,
Or unexamined sisterhood,
Or some sort of Seventies Separatist Revival.
We are starting Cunt Land
For that which it will stand:
One Nation
Under Survival.

Amy, I love that!!! I love you too Glennon but I’m tired of women freaking out about the word cunt. It’s nothing to be afraid. I’m proud of my cunt and proud to be a cunt. Let’s take back that word and own it.

The point isn’t the word itself, it is the violent and implied violence of using that word against someone that’s the problem. If I, as a woman, want to have a cunt party- then that’s my right, but if the same word gets thrown at me on the street, on the Internet, in a frat house (or behind a dumpster), then there is a perceived and very real possible violent act that accompanies this slur. And, until a rapist gets more than a slap on the wrist or a frat gets more than a warning, or a creeping creeper gets more attention than the women who call his vajra opt into action, then you better freaking believe that “the C word” is off the list of words that males in my world will be allowed to throw around.

What implied violence??? Where are you small minded idiots getting this from? Have self respect and value in yourself and the little words that are used by little people won’t hold anything over you. Why is this a man vs. woman war? For fucks sake, get some self respect and be strong.

Yes! It’s time to reclaim the C word. The fact that people are so outraged and stung by this word only shows how deeply the patriarchal belief is internalized IN WOMEN that the vagina is a shameful thing. If you’ve spent any time in the UK or Australia, people use the work Cunt often and in reference to both men and women. It is the equivalent of saying in the US, don’t be a Dick or that’s a Dick move. We call men Dicks all the time and they aren’t reeling in shame or acting as if they have been stabbed. That guy’s comment was meant as an insult but let’s not gets so focused on the word Cunt and what it means. Do you see what I’m saying?

I was called the c word just this week. I was inching my way out in traffic and for 15 seconds or so blocked a man from moving forward. He yelled c as he drove past me. I immediately felt ugly, horrible and sick to my stomach. So many negative emotions. I thought “I’m someone’s daughter,” “I’m someone’s mom”, “I’m someone’s partner”. “I’m someone’s Noni” “But I am NOT someone’s c word!” Thank you for putting into words so much of what I was feeling. And thank you sister for standing up, speaking out and pointing out the irony to this new dad. This open dialogue will help bring much needed change to many. Blessings fellow warriors.

How about the fact the word c*unt is just a vile, despicable and hateful word? I am horrified that you get nasty posts on a regular basis for doing what you do. What we Warriors NEED you to do. Thank you, G. For keeping on even in the midst of hate. I am actually super shocked by a lot of the previous comments essentially defending this man’s use of this word. In my opinion using the word dick is not even close to the same thing, but then again, I am also a white waspy woman that complains (that also shocked me)…but I digress. G, thank you for warrioring on. See you in Charleston.

I think it is’nt the same because there is no shame linked to the male genitals, while women have always been told their sex is something to be ashamed of, something to hide, almost something to be forgiven for. We are “just” women. Men are told “Don’t be a girl !” or “Be a man”, or “Man up!” or “Grow a pair !” You see ? The phallus is a symbol of power, so “dick” seems to be a lesser insult. At least, that’s the way I feel.

I don’t understand where all of this” “it goes both ways came into play”. Glennon was called a cunt by a misogynist on FB. Did she or any her sister call anyone a dick? Not that I have seen. This is not an article about how all men are misogynists, or a man bashing article. It is however saying how using the word Cunt feels to a woman. If you don’t want women to call you a dick and say how that feels, then write your own article! Don’t slam my friend Glennon for writing such an honest real feeling about how it feels to be called a cunt.

You fuckin first world waspy middle-upper class white women….the most protected and privileged group of people on Earth, literally the standard of beauty and status the world over. And complain more than anyone else.

Okay, I’m a man and that word C_NT is not one that is in my vernacular. But I have to wonder, is there a strong reaction to a woman calling a man a dick? I mean, it’s 2016 and everybody wants to be treated as equals, so shouldn’t women be rebuked for that word as well?

Bob, I think the point of the rebuke is the hatred, and minimizing and marginalizing women, not necessarily the use of the word cunt or dick or a thousand other meant-to-be-insults-when-snarled. Could be any word, really.

But why? Why is one word so powerful? How can you safely say that every man has this intent of marginalizing, degrading all women, minimizing women etc. when using this word? I think people regardless of sex sometimes call men dicks when they’re angry and call women cunts. How is that a single world can have such implications? I just don’t really follow.

Of course your are right, no one should be spoken to in a demeaning way. So calling men a dick is wrong. As is telling them to “man up” or “grow a pair” etc.

But I think there is a subtle difference.. When a man uses a word like cunt to a woman there is an implied physical threat. It’s the same when a woman is “cat-called” on the street. These types of words are more hurtful when there is real possibility that you could be raped or physically harmed. Even if you are on a public street when a man says this, where there are people around you, it reminds you of how vunerable you are.

Yes you are right about the physical threat implied. But I do think we women all get too upset about the word cunt because it’s associated with shame and revulsion associated with the vagina. Look at the latin. Pudendum is the word for female genetalia and it means shame or hidden. Phallus = male genetalia, is symbol of dominance and pride. This is why the word is so charged. We need to reclaim the word cunt they way the LGBTQ community has reclaimed the word queer. We can own the word and it will no longer have any power over us.

Women should be rebuked for calling men dicks, but other men shouldn’t? Or did you conveniently forget that that word isn’t nearly as gender-specific by the giver or the receiver? Treat us like equals by stop attempting to derail our issues and silence the discussion.

No, Bob. This is not a place to keep score. There’s no justification to treat any woman poorly. It drives me nuts when one person will use vile behavior of another to justify his own. Using any disparaging word about women is just an indication of the deep hate and contempt one has for them. Having done some counseling in my day, I know there are reasons for the hate, but they’re just reasons, not excuses. A man once asked ” If someone offers you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” As hard as it is to let this terrible behavior go, there’s nothing you can do to change the man and revenge is not a reward.

Of course I am horrified that you have to deal with this crap regularly. I want men to understand how truly hurtful this word is, but I also think men and women use the term. “He needs to grow some balls.” too often and I think this is just as cutting though not as hateful sounding. I remember being disgusted with writer/teacher/minister Marianne Williamson when she referred to the president as “Spineless” early in his term. No matter your politics, the word spineless is cutting if you hear it the way I do, which is to say with a visual attached…emasculating. Words and terms that are used to slice have no place on blogs like yours or in political commentary if you want to be taken seriously.

What? Spineless = without a spine. Without a backbone. Males and females have backbones, spines, they make you stand up straight. If you are spineless you can’t stand up for anything. Has nothing to do with emasculating.

What I meant was the effect the words have on people. Spineless seems to hit men harder than women for many reasons. Coward does as well. I know the definition of both words. Calling a woman spineless or a coward does not seem to carry the same sting as it does to a man. It may be wrong but for years and years, men were and in some ways still are expected to be tougher and more courageous than women. Many men feel emasculated when women or other men call them either. I’m not saying these are on par with cunt, but it’s important to look at language as a whole.

It seems in the US when we want to cut a man or to emasculate him we call him a woman, we feminize him, we tell him to man up, to grow balls, to stop being a pussy, to stop being a girl, that he throws like a girl, we call him pussy whipped, we point out the one feature that makes him a man and NOT a woman, his dick and we start this when he is young so knows a woman is something he doesn’t want to be, that she is less than he.

When we want to belittle a woman we refer to her genitalia (cunt, pussy), to her function as a breeder (bitch) and equate her to less than a man, to less than human (bitch), we call her girl, and girly and prude and slut and we start this young too, with teasing on the playground (boys will be boys) and catcalls as she walks home from school (can’t you take a compliment, bitch). She begins to fear these words and the potential violence behind them.

As adults we know the power of words and can learn to take the power back. But before we get to adulthood we suffer a thousand slices to our child self, a thousand bleeding wounds with these words. We do not become the people we could have been. It’s with childhood and our children that we need to make this change so we can call someone out based on their actions or lack of action, not their gender or genitalia.

Love it. We give the word it’s meaning and can take it away. I’m proud to be a Cunt, or a vagina, or whatever. Cunts rule!!No one can shame me by using that word because I’m not ashamed of my vagina or of being a woman!

I feel this goes both ways. We also need to refrain from calling men “dicks” or “assholes” as it does exactly the same thing to them– an attempt to belittle them by saying the only thing they are worthy of is their lowest, basest functionality — we all must rise above the temptation to demean and demoralize. Society depends upon it.

Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that this goes on, but I am. Every. Single. Time. Thank you for sharing this story that a) reminds us that this hatefulness is real, and b) that the respect and love to shut it down is real, too. Thank you for tolerating this awfulness so that we can all continue to benefit from your wisdom, because you are kinda awesome.

HI! Thrilled to respond to this! A book came out in the late 90s called CUNT (with a very pretty flower on the cover) written by an awesome lesbian who wanted to reclaim the word.
The book intro on Amazon:
“An ancient title of respect for women, the word “cunt” long ago veered off this noble path. Inge Muscio traces the road from honor to expletive, giving women the motivation and tolls to claim ‘cunt’ as a positive and powerful force in their lives.”

I bought this wonderful little book for all my girlfriends for Christmas that year. I kept it on my coffee table for a decade. I think you will love it.

Hi Victoria ~ like you, I was introduced to this book titled, “Cunt,” a few years ago when a mentor/wise woman invited her friends to read and discuss the book together over a 6-week period. You can only imagine the stories we shared about going to/calling the bookstore to order the book. Before reading the book and talking about it with a book study group, the word ‘cunt’ seemed like one of the cruelest words thrown at anyone, man or woman. But, it is just a word. It is the intent with which underscores the use of it that is important to realize, which I think Glennon, Amanda and you so eloquently explain. I performed monologues in 2 productions of “The Vagina Monologues” by Eve Ensler. She has a monologue titled, “Cunt.” By the end of the monologue, the whole audience is chanting ‘cunt, cunt, cunt,’ in a benign manner, largely humorous manner, because Eve re-defines, destigmatizes the word in the content of the monologue. The word itself will never be removed from the English language, but we can remove our own internal, defensive, trigger-like effect when it is used and then eloquently, like Amanda, respond with the plain, simple intent to educate the user. With regards to the argument that if men should not use the word cunt, then women should not use the word dick. If, and only if, white men had EVER historically been legally defined as an inferior group, then would I take time to place the use of that word in the context of the word cunt. As it is, using one word vs. the other is, to me, comparing apples to oranges. With all said and done, it’s just not nice to call each other names, especially when one is a grown-up! Brava & Bravo for the discussion!

To the leader goes the arrows. I can’t fathom the courage it takes to get back on the horse everyday after regularly taking blows from the worst of humanity. Thank you. I’ll add that I see this anonymous (or not, what an idiot. Good for Sister) seething hate directed toward anyone who dares to speak a strong opinion. Male, Female, religious, secular, Jewish, Christian… we have an angry, cowardly humanity problem.

Awww G sorry you have to deal with this stuff on a personal level.
I heard a song on a new CD titled ‘Songbird’ the other day, and immediately thought of you.’.
some of the lyrics paraphrased were “she’s so tiny and so small
how’s she find the strength

So brave to sit up in that tree
and sing all
day”
Just keep singing your some G.as there are many peoples’ lifting you up In Love ,my friend.
I’ll give ya the CD the next time I see you at a signing, or talk.
stan nassano

Interesting conversation. Language is a powerful thing. What I would like to offer to the discussion is this thought. We live in a culture where the strongest expression of contempt is to call a man or boy a “girl”. What does this really mean?Why is it so insulting? I think the “cunt” issue does expose that tiny bit of misagony that still lives in this country. Look at our history…how long it took women to get the vote, the right to birth control. This is recent history, folks.

Oh my goodness, my thoughts exactly! Where do they learn this from? I caught my two sons at the dinner table calling the other one a “girl” in a derogatory way (aka teasing) and I explained to them that there is nothing wrong with being a girl and why would they tease about that. Your mother is a girl would you tease her and call her a boy. I quite firm with them. And then I went away and thought about it, was I overacting? Was this harmless? And no…it wasn’t. It was not right and I needed to explain to them that it wasn’t. But maybe this is how it starts…two little boys teasing each other and no one told them it wasn’t right. So it festers and grows into something bigger and more hurtful.

My husband and I are expecting a boy in a few weeks. I remember first wanting a girl to raise to be strong and fiercely independent and all of those other traits I want for women everywhere. But then I realized that to teach a boy those things about women is just as important, because he can be part of the solution. Now I am SO EXCITED to have the chance to teach a boy how to stand up for women. I try with my nephews, contradicting their remarks to each other of “You throw like a girl!” but I am so grateful that my husband and I will have an opportunity to show our son on a daily basis that there is nothing wrong with being a woman, that women and men are equal in every way.

When my daughter was in judo I made her a shirt that said I FIGHT LIKE A GIRL–BE AFRAID. My son has a gf and i talk to him about what is and isn’t appropriate and to stand up for her but empower her too and never let his bros say those things about girls. She is his best friend (they are 14 and ridiculously adorable). Apparently no one took that jerk side as a child and taught him how a real man treats women and people.

I find this really interesting also, why can’t they say the word they are actually meaning which is ‘weak’? Girls aren’t weak. So say what you really mean.
Then probably check yourself for teasing someone for being weak. We’ve all been weak at some moment in our lives!!!

This was amazing and left me with chills. If I was on Fb this summer it would’be gotten a share for sure!! Regardless thank you for writing so beautifully despite the subject matter and expressing yourself despite the hate. Peace to you sister!

I’ve read all the comments. High five to all the men who basically said, “Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You’ve given me something important to think about.” To the others who deflected the conversation, to change the focus to your experience or mansplain the word “cunt” to those of us with “little lady brains”, this article was written about you!

I hate the term “mansplain.” A man should have the right to express his opinion the same as a woman. That said, the word cunt is clearly worse than the word dick, at least in our culture (in great Britain they use cunt all the time for either gender and it’s much less offensive). I do think some guys use it in a hateful, misogynistic way. However, I don’t think the term necessarily implies violence. It depends on the context. So I don’t think that every time a man uses that word he announces that he is ok with misogyny. To me that is way overblown. But the underlying point – that the world would be a better place if all men treated women like they would want their sister or daughter or mother to be treated – is valid.

“A man should have the right to express his opinion the same as a woman. ”

Not when it’s about a solely womens issue. The subject matter defines who gets to say what about it.

Would you say a straight person has equal right to express their opinions about gay issues?
Not in my book.

Would you say a person of color has the right to express their opinion the same as a white person about POC minority issues?
Nope!

Because they are groups with entirely different perspectives and one group clearly can’t grasp the subject matter because they haven’t lived it! So, in response: No you can’t have the PRIVILEGE (which is the word your looking for, not ‘right’) to contribute equally to a discussion that you haven’t experienced. You can however LISTEN and ACCEPT what people tell you about their experiences.

It’s clear when most men want to ‘contribute to the discussion’ what they really mean is to silence, twist it, change it and minimize it. IE: MANSPLAIN.

Stop it. GIve him a break. Yes, a man should have an option to give an opinion. No you don’t get to berate him for it. Yes, I think the word CUNT is a travesty, no matter it’s history. And NO you don’t get to give him such a hard time for having a point of view. Knock it off.

If it’s about a subject you not in the field of, or are ignorant of, then you don’t just get given a prize cup and a participation award and asked to join the table anyway. That’s not how the world works. You don’t ask a Dog Walker for an opinion on interpreting Seismic data. Why ask a man about womens issues, or a white person about African American issues, or a straight person about gay issues.

Everyone might *feel* *entitled* to an opinion on these subjects, but that is just entitlement itself speaking. LISTENING is a far better method to use.

No one is berating anyone, if you think THAT is berating, you’ve not been around long.

I won’t stay silent because it’s somehow upsetting to others to tell them to LISTEN instead of SPEAK.

That is rather like saying that “nigger” isn’t necessarily offensive when a white person says it. It depends on the context. No, it doesn’t, and yes it is. Women seldom use that word. There is a reason. Please respect that reason. Men cannot define what words are offensive and hurtful to women. They can listen and show respect when we tell them, or not. The fact that you don’t understand why it is offensive and violent and threatening doesn’t mean it isn’t. Just like a white person not understanding why “nigger” is offensive doesn’t make it unoffensive. The choices are listen and respect or ignore and disrespect. There is no door through which men get to decide what should and should not hurt, threaten or offend women. Any man who uses that word, except in an academic discussion of the word itself, is acting out of misogyny, whether he thinks he is or not. Men don’t get to decide that a word whose meaning is entirely and hatefully aimed at women is okay sometimes. And they certainly don’t get to decide when these times are. Ban it from your vocabulary just like you (I hope) have banned racial slurs.

The closest equivalent would be to call a man a cock. Which I don’t do. But, my impression is that the impact is not the same. Maybe I am wrong about that . But to the vast majority, cunt is beyond offensive, and it DOES imply a threat of violence, even if the person saying it wouldn’t actually commit that act of violence. In much the same way calling someone a “nigger” calls to mind the lynchings of the past and is a reminder to know your place and not get too uppity, even when it is said by someone who would not join a lynching party. When you choose that word, you choose it’s modern meaning. If that’s not what you mean, then select a different word. Don’t try to redefine or minimize it. Respect it’s intended meaning, then respect women and delete it from your options list.

I have two daughters. Does that qualify me to express an opinion on the subject? Also, are women disqualified from expressing opinions about issues that impact men? Interestingly, I said I find it offensive when women use the term mansplain. In my view, that term is a way of diminishing a man’s viewpoint even when it is legitimate. Why do women get to tell me how I should feel about that term, which is directed only at men? Do you not see the hyopcrisy? (Not that it’s the same as saying cunt – please don’t twist my words.)

To be clear, I don’t call anybody a cunt. Never have, never do. I would never want anybody to call one of my daughters that. But I don’t think you can generalize things quite so much. I just watched an episode of Veep centered around the fact that numerous characters had called the president a cunt. It’s a vulgar show and a vulgar environment depicted – I don’t think it was in any way implied that any of the characters (several of whom were women) were violent.

Also, I have heard the term used by women numerous times. Again, I think you have to hear the context – who is speaking, who they are speaking to, etc – before you decide it implies violence. If you disagree, thays fine, but in my opinion trying to exclude men from discussions about these kinds of issues is not helpful.

And by the way, if I wrote an article about how being called something by women makes men feel offended, I would never say that women were not allowed to comment on it, give their opinions or explain how they view the term. Women in this very comment thread have discussed whether calling a man a dick, or saying he has to grow some balls, is offensive. If I told them they were just “womansplaining” would you think that was a fair, substantive response?

You are spot-on Mike! (Please note “Over-It” and “Jenn”: I am both a woman and a Christ-follower, so I am granted your permission to discuss the following.)

A strong case can be made that the biggest threat to Christianity resides in the Christian community. In fact, no one can turn a person off to Christianity like a judgmental Christian.

In the same way, the single greatest threat to women’s rights and equality, is the angry, man-hating feminist. When an obviously kind, brave gentleman respectfully adds to the discussion on a decidedly feministic blog, and shows interest in understanding the female perspective (whether or not he worded it exactly how YOU would have had him word it is irrelevant) and sharing his own male perspective as a father of two daughters, and you go off on a tirade, LITERALLY telling him what he DOES and DOES NOT have a RIGHT to discuss, you truly feed the misogynistic beast and perpetuate the stereotype that “all females are overreactive, hormonal, B!%@#&$ who are incapable of rational, level-headed discussions.”

So, gay person says, “It hurts when a straight person calls me a faggot. Yells it out a car window. Posts it as a comment on my blog post. This hurts all gay people because it reduces us to our orientation only. Makes us less human.”
Straight person says, “But you sometimes call each other faggots. Plus, I have close gay friends. Plus, straight people get called bad names too. Plus, I never say that word. Plus, the history of the word faggot is really blah blah blah. Plus he was probably just insulting YOU, not all gay people.”
Gay person says “How is any of that relevant? You don’t really get to explain to me whether I’m hurt by this or not, or why it hurts, or how I see this insult relating to other people like me.”

I’m British and a copy-editor (so very interested in language use). We don’t use it ‘all the time’ and it really is just as offensive here. It’s widely thought of as the most offensive word to use and it’s one of very few expletives that isn’t broadcast on TV or radio.

Thank you Glennon. You have articulated everything that every woman is feeling in Naples, FL where a School Board candidate, Lee Dixon, called an ABC newswoman a “rascist cunt” in a Tweet. Yes, this man is running for our SCHOOL BOARD. Every woman who hears this story recoils in horror. Every man (who is not one of the candidate’s supporters) are horrified and agree that the word is the “lowest of lows” as one father said.

Thank you for articulating so clearly how and why that word is so degrading and violent.
No one who uses that word should be making decisions that affect our children. EVER.

If anyone is in Naples, FL, please be sure to vote for Erick Carter on Aug. 30th and check out his website to sign up to volunteer.

While in high school, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. He and his coworker came and talked to me. All of a sudden, his coworker said, I thought you said your girlfriend was a cunt? I was shocked. My bf didn’t say anything. I later realized he had major emotional issues and he would call me these things behind my back to justify cheating with other girls. He made me look like the crazy one by degrading me to not only his coworker but some of my friends. They believed whatever it was he told them. That is where what the author said is true. He didn’t have to call me a cunt to hurt me, but it shows how little he thought of someone he said he “loved”. From what I’ve seen, this is pretty common in our culture. Perhaps people who see this assume the guy will grow out of it. Unfortunately it may grow into violence toward women.

I’m feeling like this reply was a bit abusive itself. Are you, BB, saying that Amber is a borderline personality disorder because she commented/replied with a story about her BOY friend and didn’t include abusive women in her reply? Her very general statement was pretty much about her own situation. If you were trying to educate her that abuse comes from both genders, there are certainly gentler ways to do it, than by essentially calling her a Borderline Personality Disorder…she said nothing about being convinced about anything. Sounds like you have some anger issues of your own to look at…

Borderline PD and Narcissistic pd are not the same thing clinically and are easy to differentiate from each other. Stop using dr google — none of the symptomatic indicators of axis ii cluster b have any thing to do with thinking only one gender is abusive. That’s an absurd statement and not even close to what Amber was discussing. You are a troll and an uneducated one at that.

Thankyou…x and can I add, not all bpd sufferers are unaware of the impact of their behaviour either. Some spend their whole life searching for a way to heal, and over 10% of us take our own lives as we see it as the only way to stop hurting those we love

Unfortunately this has nothing to do with BPD/NPD. Nothing. Believing you are being abused has nothing to do with it. It is true that BPD/NPD often stem from abuse/neglect/insecure attachment, but not from believing that the opposite sex is out to get you. While believing that the other gender is always abusive is also not a true understanding, that does not seem to be what Amber is saying. But don’t take my word for it, investigate further in the DSM-V.

As a slim, brown dude I’ve been called a lot of things. Beaner. Wetback. Spic. Kunta (As in Kinte; as in an African straight outta Africa.) Nigger, faggot, pussy. Et cetera ad nauseum. And none had the slightest impact on my sense of self-worth; none angered me nor saddened me. If anything I found each said far more about the person using it than it did about me.

The first time I was called “nigger” was in St. Louis by a girl leaning half-out of the passenger widow of some muscle car or other as it sped down the street where I was skateboarding, asking loudly over the roar of the engine, “Are you a nigger or what?”. It was such a surprise to me and was so clearly out of the ignorance of someone who had a strictly binary experience of race that I found myself laughing and almost giddily yelling back, “or what!” as the car turned the corner.

Similarly I was only bemused when I spent the better part of 7th and part of 8th grades in the rural PNW being referred to only as “Kunta” by another clearly confused and culturally isolated white person. I remember calmly explaining to him that, despite his best efforts, if he was trying to insult me it wasn’t going to work because it simply didn’t make any sense.

Later, in my sartorially, tonsorially and eyelinerlly adventurous young adulthood if I was told I “looked gay” or outright called a “faggot” I’d reply, “Thank you, I take that as a compliment.” without missing a beat. (And I meant it, FWIW.)

I’ve given little thought to the burden of indignation that may be my responsibility to “the Greater Good” or even to others less ready and able to absorb the impact of the barbs. And it’s possible I could have a massive blind spot or a thick callus I’m simply unaware of having developed. But it’s not that I don’t care when racists or homophobes attempt to dehumanize others through language I’m talking about recognizing that meaning isn’t always fixed and tragedy plus time sometimes equals “fuck it.”

Finally, as someone growing up with an English step-father (and the accompanying English extended family), “cunt” simply doesn’t carry the weight for me (or my sister, or mother) as it does for most. And if you think words meanings aren’t culturally mutable, try saying “fanny” in polite company in England.

I’m not suggesting the word in question isn’t offensive—anyone would be hard pressed to deny that the intent behind Sean’s usage was of the crudest sort—but I’m of the opinion that if you let it offend you the terrorists have won.

You explain that “cunt” doesn’t have the same weight for you, and point out that meanings are personally and culturally influenced. Perhaps, then, you should listen and consider Glennon’s phenomenological explanation on behalf of millions regarding the very real meaning it does hold for those of a different culture and entirely different gender?

My interpretation of Chris’ comments were that they ran parallel to Glennon’s. Don’t let the words of ignorance and hate define our gender. The only power it has is that of which we, women, give it. Is it wrong, yes, abhorrently, emphatically, yes… But as ‘warriors’, we hold the mirrors up to block the ugliness of that comment to reflect it upon the speaker.

Chris, you took a very specific topic of conversation and attempted change it’s course, to make yourself the center of attention and devaluation the thoughts of the original author, without sympathizing. That technique is called deflecting. It’s not acceptable.

Come on, now. Chris was adding a perspective to the argument and respectively providing his alternate conclusion. This was not deflecting and you are not the final arbiter of what is acceptable discourse. If we do not allow a respectful exchange of perspectives on the topic at hand (and yes, though he was all over the place for a bit, he did come back to the point) we are just an echo chamber.

I also ultimately disagree with Chris on his final point, but his perspective as someone with a different set of experiences is important.

First of all, get a life! I am a woman and don’t spend my time feeling like a victim. Chris made his comment which was not rude or belittling to women. Quit being such a delicate flower that is so sensitive to everything. If you don’t think you are a cunt, then don’t embrace the insult! Be what you are and don’t expect special treatment. I am really sick of women feeling victimized all the time! If a woman wants to be a victim her whole life, she owes a lot of to her own attitude!

Hi Chris,
That you choose not to be offended is one adaptive strategy to offensive behaviors. And the behaviors you describe towards you are offensive as was Sean’s behavior. Calling out offensive behavior (which often leads to abuse)seeing it for what it is, is, from my perspective, what opens the way to awareness and possible change and growth. Amanda and Glennon are examples of this very thing. As was, since you bring racism into it, Dr. King and Black Lives Matter. They are speaking their truth with love and power. The way one chooses to work with these toxins personally is also important but not exclusive to calling out what on sees if there is an opportunity to do so. And, to my mind and it seems many others here, Amanda has done this with love and skill.
Best,
Christina

It feels like your inferring an awful lot in making your diagnosis Doctor. The elements of offense are intent, context and perception. I can’t fathom doing anything but laughing at someone trying to offend me with a perjorative or an expletive. I aim to instill the same sense in my daughter. A 6 y.o. daughter who I might add i am a stay-at-home-father to. A daughter who, despite no grand plan to raise a feminist, just said the other day apropos of nothing, “Women are really important to the world.” If someone ever calls her that I hope she doesn’t let it crush her or enrage her. I hope she tells the person to fuck off and gets on with her life. What I’m not doing is suggesting GDM and Amanda shouldn’t “speak truth to blog post and comments” People should express disdain for hatred. I would think that went without saying tho.

Chris,
Thanks for your thoughts. I applaud your thick skin and I’m sorry you’ve had to develop it. I think, although you have a thick skin, and because words are culturally sensitive, it still doesn’t make it ok for a person to be ignorant or to use them. Wouldn’t you rather have people NOT call you those words than have to develop thick skin?

Developing thick skin will not solve bigotry or make “terrorists” go away, but discussing the power of words may help educate one person at a time. Probably to keep some inner peace and hopefully happiness, we can’t let those words offend us, however, if something isn’t said or done about it, ignorant folks will think that it’s ok to continue.

I’ve been trying to wage a one woman war against the c word and the p word, by the way. I’m not aware of a nasty reply so I hope I’m getting thru to some about how demeaning it is to all women THEY love.

Of course, you’re right. I didn’t include the entirety of my position in my comment. I was not at all suggesting the post and comments didn’t have some value. As far as I was aware I was participating In a discussion about the value of words.

Yup. I was called a cunt by my ex while we were married (and after). He has a beautiful intelligent daughter that I raised virtually on my own after our divorce. Too bad he would never read an article like this.

I absolutely love this. I love that your response was articulate and to the point without mirroring the rage and hate this man felt the need to express. We should all remember to be a voice of education and empowerment with the goal of helping people “do better” for the women in their lives.

I definitely see the point you are trying to make, but I’m not sure I see the logic you’re using to get there.

To put it bluntly, not all women are the same. I take issue with the idea that I can’t dislike one woman without disliking them all. That I can use one horrible word to describe one horrible person and that somehow just because I use that word I’m now bound to think of all women in that same light. That’s not how rational people think about things.

Also, And I don’t know the reason why anyone would call you or anyone else a cunt, but I do think it’s pretty ignorant to just outright state with 100% certainty that the only reason that someone would call you a cunt is because you are simply speaking your mind. At the very least you have to acknowledge the words that come out when you speak your mind and the power that they have. I’m definitely not trying to put any blame on you because quite frankly, I’m not familiar enough with your writings to have an opinion one way or the other, but it’s entirely possible that a horrible person with horrible ideas can speak her horrible mind and say horrible things. Yes, that’s her right to do so, but that doesn’t mean that non-horrible people aren’t going to see those words and think she’s not a great person.

Now, I’m not saying that gives anyone the right to call her a cunt or any other name, but if they did, I wouldn’t automatically assume that the name-caller thinks the same thing about his own mother or sister or daughter. I think it’s possible that he might do everything in his power to raise a child that doesn’t have horrible thoughts or say horrible things. I personally try to avoid petty name calling with anyone I disagree with, but I can’t help but admit that I’ve seen some horrific people, both men and women, online in my day who I’ve thought, “wow, what a cunt”. But that’s on an individual basis. And you are 100% wrong when you say that if I call one woman a cunt, I’m also calling my sister or mother the same thing. That’s just not how it works. There are good people and bad people in this world, people I agree with and people I don’t, and you don’t get to tell me that I don’t like the good ones just because I dislike the bad ones. Sorry, but I don’t accept that.

Matt. If you call one woman whom you dislike an ass, you are not denigrating all women. But when you use an intensely hateful word that is only used against women, you absolutely disrespect all of us. There is not a comparable word used against men, so I know it is harder to get. But ask your sister and your mother if they agree with what you just wrote here. You may be surprised to find they do not.

There is not a scenario where “but she IS a cunt” is a valid or appropriate response.

“There is not a scenario where “but she IS a cunt” is a valid or appropriate response.”

I think this is where we are going to have to agree to disagree.

Words only have the power that you allow them to have. I don’t see cunt as any more powerful than asshole, or bitch, or dumbass or whatever else. There are people on this planet that there aren’t words horrible enough to describe them. Men or women. Also, I’ve been called a cunt before (granted, it was coming from a girl living in Australia, where I think that word is a lot more common) so your argument that cunt is only a derogatory word for women isn’t valid.

I’m assuming that you don’t think that calling one man a dickhead means that you think your father is a dickhead too, right?

Matt, you sort of sound like someone who uses the word “nigger” to describe a black person that he doesn’t like but says it’s okay because he has black friends who he likes. The term is racist, and when you say it to anyone, it shows that you are racist. If you call one gay person you don’t like a “fag” then you are insulting your gay friends along the way. When you say “cunt” it shows that you are sexist. Say “idiot” or “asshole” if you must. But there is no place for racist, sexist, homophobic type labels.

This statement alone is so full of privilege I can hardly speak. Words have power all on there own from the meaning that has accumulated through their history. Insulting words are insulting, but there are some that are kept especially to wound groups of people who “don’t know their place.” Specifically, women and people of colour. If you can’t see that, ask the people around you in those two groups if words have power.

The way this word is directed at you is very different than how it is directed at a woman. That is part of your privilege.

I’m sorry, I make it a habit of not directly interacting with professional internet victims if I can help it so I won’t be addressing any of the “points” you brought up in your reply. I hope you have a good day though.

As a man, who clearly just doesn’t understand what is being expressed here on behalf of countless women, maybe you could just listen and not try to argue countless women out of their deeply experienced reality ? Maybe you could just let it be valid, even though it is different from your own experience. You don’t get to dictate to others what their experience is or how they feel.

“Maybe you could just let it be valid, even though it is different from your own experience. ”

The irony of you saying this is that this is exactly the reason why I’m trying to give my opinion of the subject. I want to give a different experience. Not every person that uses that word is a woman hating wife-beating, asshole. I’m not trying to say that people aren’t allowed to be offended, just pointing out that sometimes people take offence where none was meant to be given.

“You don’t get to dictate to others what their experience is or how they feel.”

His point is that the article seems to say the woman being insulted could not possibly have been acting poorly. It seems to say the insulter could not possibly have a nuanced view of it.

I agree with him. I have seen women do cruel and petty things just to hurt someone, and have internally felt that “being such a cunt” was the most apt descriptor. And I say that not only as a woman, but as a very vocal feminist.

For me, that word does not describe a misogynistic and reductive mindset any more than saying “oh shit” is supposed to bring up images of fecal matter. Nope. To me, “oh shit” means “bad/big thing just happened.” And “cunt” means “someone being malicious and spiteful.” That is simply what the words mean to me, and to assume that I am being broadly misogynistic to call a single terrible person a name is just lazy.

Where I agree with YOU is that my own experience of the author being wrong doesn’t invalidate your experience of the author being right. There ARE misogynists who use that word in exactly the way she describes. And because I don’t want to add to their shitty momentum, I refuse to use it out loud.

But my main point to you is, he isn’t wrong just because of his gender. He made really solid points. Argue the post, not the poster.

Matt, might I ask…?
If you make it such a habit not to get “involved ” in these types of Internet discussions with “Internet victims ” then what in the HELL are you doing here? If you don’t know anything about Glennon or why this is even such an issue for WOMEN then I must ask again
Why are you here? How did you get here?
I’m honestly just very curious

A family member liked this blog post on Facebook. I read it and felt the need to reply. For the most part this discussion has been civil, eye opening, and intelligent. Even if I don’t agree with everything being said, most people are capable of relaying their points in a way that I can understand where they are coming from.

I just refuse to even start into a debate with someone who starts a conversation by talking about my “privilege” and how I couldn’t possibily have a valid point because I’m a man. There’s literally nothing to be gained in that type of discussion by any side.

I have learned a lot by commenting here and my thoughts on the matter have changed a bit. But certain types of people aren’t looking to change anyone’s minds they just want to get on the internet and bitch about how life isn’t fair because they are part of x minority group, and I’ll have no part in that.

That’s a fair point/question, and I pondered it in my response. I happen to not like the casualness with which bitch is used in life these days, but I do recognize that the intention is usually very different from the intention behind cunt. I also think that dickhead and prick are male equivalents of bitch. All three describe generic assholes of a specific gender.

In my experience, cunt takes it up a notch and is wholly female. And to be fair, I’m speaking from American use, here. Even if used toward a man it is based on the idea of denigrating women and the man by comparison. I truly don’t believe the other words do that.

The person who posted on Glennon’s page was being aggressive by doing so. Again, in my experience, someone who is that way online is that way in life and while I think it is very possible to raise a child who is kind and good even when you are not, that usually happens in spite of the parent’s behavior rather than their ability to control and compartmentalism themselves. “I can hate, but teach my children not to” doesn’t usually pan out.

I also understand that aggression and hatefulness toward women overall is not always the intent. That in many cases, the speaker isn’t thinking that deeply. It is fair to say “that’s not always what it means” as long as you recognize that it often IS what it means and not dismiss that. Because when a large group of people in the offended party say, hey, this is problematic and here is what we hear/feel, I think it is good for society to listen. It’s how we grow past bad behaviors, habits and prejudices.

I wonder if the use of the word “all” is really the sticking point. “If you use the word cunt toward one woman, you are disrespecting women” may have been less unilateral and assumptive that everyone has the same perspective. But I would not let that hyperbole stand in the way of accepting the perspective as true for a large number of women.

The Internet is filled with people telling each other how to not offend them, and it is tiring, I get it. The flip side is it gives voice to people who have kept pain silent because the people closest to them don’t hear them. We don’t have to follow every request by every person. However, it never hurts to hear them, take it in, and consider whether there are different ways we could approach similar situations in our own lives — whether we ever meant to offend someone or not.

Cunt is not an acceptable word to call a woman EVER. If she is hurting you or someone else, tell her exactly why or how you disagree with her. That is constructive. Calling her a “cunt” will only ever be destructive.

To be clear, I feel the same about calling a man a “dick.” Never acceptable.

I encourage you to read some of Glennon’s other writing. She is a fantastic woman who shares her experiences freely and only ever seeks to spread love and justice. I even feel bad arguing with you here because I’m not sure it’s what she’d want me to do. Plus, I’m sure she’d be much more eloquent about it.

Firstly, I don’t see what we’re doing as arguing. Discussing an issue that we have differing opinions on would be what I’d call it.

And yes, using that word is definitely not a great way to start a conversation, I’ll give you that.

Like I said, I try not to let any argument degrade into simple name calling. Even if I fully disagree, I’d like to think that if I can’t do more than name calling I’m not any better than they are.

That being said, I think my biggest problem with this article is the outright statement that 100% of the time the word cunt is used: A) the man is a misogynist, and B) the woman couldn’t possibily have been doing anything wrong at all besides speaking her mind. Granted, that’s most likely 100% what happened in the scenario that ended up prompting this blog piece, but I just don’t think it’s a hard rule for every single time that word is used. I agree it’s a pretty destructive word, but sometimes that’s your intention when all else fails.

Thanks to everyone trying to keep this emotionally charged subject civil. I believe that for many women in America the word Cunt connotes rape, rape done to punish a woman for angering or insulting a man in some way. Now it’s fine to be angry when someone insults you, but to use a word that means the woman should be raped? I think it’s the whole concept of a woman “deserving” something unspeakably horrific that is misogynistic. Not every man (or woman) who uses the word cunt intends it in this way, but that ( imo) is sloppy language.

I’m so glad I live in New Zealand, where if you call someone a cunt, you’re just swearing, and nothing more. Thing about swear words – “cunt” included – is that their literal meanings are irrelevant. For example, if I drop something heavy on my foot, sexual intercourse is absolutely the very furthest thing from my mind, but will also be the literal meaning of the first word out of my mouth.

In the UK, Australia, and New Zealand, we REALLY enjoy our swearing! We use the word “cunt” very freely, although I have noticed that it will be directed at men about ten times more than at women. I myself get called a cunt on average five times a day, in varying contexts. It’s not always an insult – there’s a lovely woman who works at the cafe I frequent, who gives me nice discounts because I am, in her words, “a good cunt”. Yay for being a good cunt!

But in America, you can’t use the word like that. I actually think accents have something to do with it. American accents make the word “cunt” sound far more obscene and brutal than British/Aussie/Kiwi accents do. You can’t call your best mate a daft cunt with a cheeky grin on your face if you have an American accent, whereas British/Aussie/Kiwi accents almost seem specifically designed for that purpose.

So yeah, in this neck of the woods, it’s just a swear word, and nothing more. Which is fortunate for me, because I love being a fuckin’ potty mouthed cu…uhhh…I mean, I really enjoy swearing.

Super interesting to think about strong words meaning really different things in different parts of the world. A lot of the conversation here in these comments is about can we de-stigmatize the word cunt, as Eve Ensler does in the Vagina Monologues and I’m assuming in the book Cunt that someone mentioned. I love swearing, and if a Brit or Aussie or Kiwi called me a cheeky cunt I would feel affection, not humiliated and afraid. It seems like in order to destigmatize the seriously offensive meaning in the USA, men are going to have to stop using it in a demeaning/hostile way, and maybe women are going to need to start using it as a term of playful affection…
I’m curious, are there swear words in Britain, Australia, NZ, etc. that ARE considered too strong/voilatile? Because cunt is the only one I can think of in modern US English that has the voilatility it does. Fuck used to, but in a generation’s time it was destigmatized for the most part.

There are horrible people and some of them are women. But it is never acceptable to refer to or reduce even a horrible woman by a foul name for a body part that you should have no access to, even verbally. It’s just off limits. By referring to a woman (or a man) only as that body part, you are stripping that person of dignity, individuality, humanity. You are reducing that woman to something that is not yours. it is not “just words,” but reflective of a thought process that is degrading at best and threatening at worst. No one has the right to do that to a woman. No one.

I guess that’s the biggest difference here, when I call someone a cunt I’m not referring to a body part. I just mean they’re a shitty person.

Sarah (another commenter here) said it best in response to another comment.

“For me, that word does not describe a misogynistic and reductive mindset any more than saying “oh shit” is supposed to bring up images of fecal matter. Nope. To me, “oh shit” means “bad/big thing just happened.” And “cunt” means “someone being malicious and spiteful.” That is simply what the words mean to me, and to assume that I am being broadly misogynistic to call a single terrible person a name is just lazy.”

When someone says words, they are also projecting a meaning behind them. Over the internet, it’s not always easy to determine that meaning so it’s very easy to get signals crossed. I’m just trying to say that every time someone uses cunt as an insult, that doesn’t have to equate to “I hate all women” and for you or anyone else to assume it does is doing nothing more than looking to create more hate where it doesn’t necessarily exist.

You completely and totally missed the point. When you use the word cunt, you give permission for anyone to use the same word. Whether you agree or not is besides the point. It is how language works. It spreads. Like wild fire. And you have a responsibility to make that stop. Who determines who is horrible? You? So you get to choose who gets to be called a name and who doesn’t? Seems like a slippery slope to me. And sort of really sad that at the end of it all, you ultimately defend the use of that word depending on who it used to reference. Yes, indeed. You missed the point.

I agree with you a LOT. But, I do think she’s right and you missed the author’s essential point: that even if you don’t harbor misogyny in your heart when you say that word (in our culture), the fact is that by saying it you add your voice to the tide of misogynists on the Internet who ARE using the word that way.

Think of it this way: you know that all lives matter. But if you tag a post with #alllivesmatter on Facebook, you are giving your blessing to that hashtag. You are helping to perpetuate its presence in the world, a presence that is largely fueled by ignorance and hostility and racism. Your intention doesn’t change that. It may be relevant to the actual interaction you’re having, but as soon as you use a loaded term, your implications spread beyond your intention. The term brings baggage. Even if you don’t “give it power” many others do, including your listener.

So. Yes, you can use that word without personally hating women. But you cannot use it without hurting women, simply because you add your two cents into the “it is ok to call women this” column, and most men who pick that word out of their lexicons to throw at a woman are not doing it as circumspectly as you do.

Sarah, I respectfully disagree and think that using the word in a different context has the opposite effect.

In places like New Zealand and Australia, the overuse of the word “cunt” by normal people has stripped the word of almost all of its power. Over here, it’s basically a gender neutral insult that means the same thing as “fuckwit”, “asshole” or any number of other things you’d say in a wide variety of contexts, from friendly teasing, to extreme road rage, to, yes, hateful misogyny. I’m from the US originally, so I don’t tend to use it, but my wife uses the word all the time.

Simply by making the word off-limits, by only allowing a word to be used in its most mean-spirited and hateful context (like the one that inspired this blog post) you reinforce its hate.

Language is constantly evolving and new meanings can be created for old words. Sometimes the new meaning gets used so much that the original usage no longer makes sense.

Don’t ban words or hashtags. Take ownership, redefine them, flood the new usage and take away any power these horrible misogynists think they have.

I get your point , Matt. Actually, this is Glennon’s space so yes, she could invoke that right here.

Just because you may have the right to speech does not take away your responsibility or repercussions. Yelling fire in a crowded room, per se.

And if you use such a word while performing a crime…

“In the law of some countries, hate speech is any speech, gesture or conduct, writing, or display which is forbidden because it incites violence or prejudicial action against or by a protected individual or group, or because it disparages or intimidates a protected individual or group.” (Yeah I got lazy and wiki’ed this)

Nothing personal, Matt. Glad to see guys here even if this is a very decisive issue. Hope you’ll be back when it’s all love and kittens and rainbows 😉

Dude. Seriously. That’s a lot of rationalization to defend a style of “commentary” that is one step up from banging rocks together. The problem isn’t the word itself; it’s the inarticulate misogyny driving those who use it that way. Who hurt you, chief? Damn.

My point was not everyone uses words in the same way for the same reasons. You can’t assign misogyny to a word, only the intention behind using it.

I almost didn’t respond to you because of your silly childish personal dig. There’s no reason for that. Don’t expect any further responses from me unless you can grow up and cut that childish behavior out.

I guess it doesn’t occur or matter to you that that “horrible person” IS someone’s daughter, mother, sister, wife, best friend. Why is it that, because you dislike someone, you think you can define them as a “horrible person” aka a “cunt?”

It seems that you completely missed the fact that “cunt” is not just any old name. You know, this whole part:
” Misogynists call women cunts when they are trying to instill fear, trying to put us back in our place, trying to remind us that what our identity boils down to is: our cunt. And our cunt is really all we’re permitted to use, not our brain or heart or voice or passion or anger or even body, really. And so when a man calls me a cunt, I know what he is saying: Know your worth — you are nothing. You are here for no other reason than for me to use. So lie down and shut up. There is violence implied and that’s not an accident. ”
This is not the same as calling someone a “jerk”, (ie – rude) “jackass” (dumb, foolish), or even a “motherfucker” (there is no realistically- based implication in those words). But every woman who has experienced being called a “cunt” within the context someone chose to use it against them knows well the truth of Glennon’s description. As another commenter said, there is no male equivalent.
There is a big hole, torn by lack of factual and phenomenological understanding, in your own “logic” and “rational” thinking here.
(Regardless of the instability of your own logic, it’s not surprising that you went right for calling Glennon irrational. It’s one of the most popular old standby means for a man’s invalidating attack against a women when he is too polite to just call her a cunt.)

I am a woman and I have been called a cunt and did not experience it in any way the way you or Glennon describe. It is no different to me than being called any other derogatory term. And none of them mean anything to me whatsoever coming from some random stranger on the internet. I agree that Sean has some anger and hate issues, not because he is using the word cunt specifically, but because he found the need to use ANY profanity or derogatory language toward a stranger on the internet. And because that language seems to be based solely on Glennon expressing an opinion that he disagrees with. I would have had the same opinion of his anger issues if he had said “motherfucking liberal” or called her a liberal ass hole, cocksucker, bitch, etc. in the same context.

My point is that you assuming that you speak for ALL woman is ridiculous. You do not. Glennon does not. Women are a wide and varied group who do not all feel exactly the same about anything. You would be quick to correct me if I insisted that no woman is especially bothered by being called a cunt just because it doesn’t have any special power to me. Why are you so quick to do the opposite?

Believing that one slur aimed at one person equals aiming it at all people sharing a single characteristic out of tons of characteristics people have is equally ridiculous. I don’t use the word cunt because I just don’t like the word. I don’t use motherfucker for the same reason. I do occasionally refer to someone as a bitch. It has never meant that I think all women are bitches. My thoughts are aimed solely at the individual in question. And at the specific moment. I’ve been known to call my best friend a bitch when she is in fact being a bitch at the moment. I don’t think her a bitch in general any more than I think all women are bitches.

“Bitch” usually describes behavior or a set of behaviors. “Cunt” reduces the person to a nasty descriptor of a private place to which you (or any commentator) should not have access. By using it you are dismissing the person and the behavior and explaining it away with a reference to a body part that is shared by all women. You are edging that part in an ugly manner.

I see your point, Matt, but I don’t think that she meant that you are not allowed to dislike one woman without disliking them all. What I think she is saying is that in order to call a woman a cunt, one must first have a hatred towards women. She is saying that in order to use that word one must first have a desire to reduce that woman, violently, to a humanless thing only valuable for a man’s use and abuse. Having a desire to do that to a woman is only possible if you are capable of seeing a woman as anything other than a fellow person. I think she is saying that if you have that capacity, you have it for all women, including your sisters, daughters, etc. I hope that you can see the difference.

Well, I think the word can be hate filled regardless of who it’s directed at. Which is why I rarely use it in anger. But no, I really don’t feel like it is a woman-specific word. I am learning that a lot of women disagree however, which would probably change my usage of the word if I used it frequently.

Or, to be honest, I might be tempted to use it more often. I mean once you’ve lowered yourself to using words that are meant to harm (asshole, bitch, dumbass, etc) might as well hit as hard as you can when you’ve lowered yourself to that point. This article has driven home the point that if all I have are words and I’m trying to hurt someone, cunt is, by far, the most effective word to use against a woman.

But yeah, I still think I can be angry at one woman in particular, call her any name in the world in anger and not hate all women because of it. Just the same as if I was angry at a man.

Hi, Matt. I commend you for thoughtfully and respectfully engaging in this dialogue, as most men shy away from it. However, the issue addressed here is the power and magnitude of a very specific word that carries tremendous hate and denigration in the context of American culture. While it isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison, I would liken the word “cunt” to the “N word,” or other racial slurs. If a white person angrily calls someone a n*gger on the internet, but never behaves hatefully towards a black co-worker, he/she has still engaged in racist behavior in another forum, which says something about his/her underlying beliefs about a particular group of people.

I don’t imagine you would tell an entire race of people not to be offended by a racial slur, so why question or deny the impact that the word “cunt” has on so many women?

I do agree that despising an individual woman for her deplorable behavior doesn’t mean you despise all women — but you’re conflating the issue here, which is about implicitly hateful language. If we have a specific grievance with someone, then we should address the specific grievance. Using the word “cunt” takes aim at women, not at individual behavior. It’s also just plain lazy.

If what you’re really arguing for is your freedom to use any word you want, then that is indeed your freedom. I would just encourage you to be aware of the social implications of the words you choose.

“If what you’re really arguing for is your freedom to use any word you want, then that is indeed your freedom. I would just encourage you to be aware of the social implications of the words you choose.”

That’s a very good point, and one that I do take to heart. I don’t use that word (or really any word) lightly. I honestly can think of only one time in the past 20 years that I’ve used that word towards a woman and that was after extreme personal insults and attacks she made against me and after holding back for many encounters. Even then, I didn’t really use it to sexualize her or to try and reduce her to her sexual organs, but I simply used it because I knew that it would have the most impact.

I guess now that I’m thinking about it, That’s really no different than calling one particular black person a nigger just to get under his skin, and then claiming that you’re not racist. While I do think it’s possible, I don’t really think it’s very likely in most situations.

To be quite honest, I’ve never really directly associated the insult of “cunt” with the slang for body part “cunt” as being the same thing. It’s just a word to me. If I’ve learned anything here, it’s that not everyone feels the same way. I still take issue with the idea that everyone that uses the word thinks ill-will of all of womankind, I still don’t agree that everyone puts as much venom behind the word as is received, but I guess it’s not fair for me to assume that people all have the same ideas about the power behind words.

Thanks for giving me something to think about and it doing it in a way that’s more than just “oh, that’s a bad word, you can’t use it”

Matt,
I want to thank you for being open to conversation on this topic. I love Glennon’s posts because her forum tends to bring out many people who are willing to share, reflect and grow. Thank you for bringing your thoughts to the table. I was just talking to my son today about how the best conversations are with those that don’t share your views but are willing to discuss things with an open mind. Now I am going to go and think too.
Dawn

If a man does such a horrible thing as to call a women a cunt, it doesn’t mean he thinks the same of women he loves, as you pointed out. No, that’s thinking too literal. It means he is actively creating a world where it’s acceptable for men to treat women with less value and respect he was expects for himself. For this, he must take responsibility for his contribution to the world where he and the women he may love still have to live.

Like if I encounter a guy I don’t like on the internet, I can call him whatever names I want and it doesn’t matter, I’m not responsible for all of humanity collapsing because I’m calling someone stupid names.

All of the sudden though, it’s different for women? If I call her a name I’m making it ok for everyone to hate all women all over the world?

Why can’t an argument just be an argument? Why do you get to hide behind being a woman like somehow the rules are different? I refuse to believe that I’m affecting the world just because I insult one woman who I think deserves it no differently than if the person I was disagreeing with was a man. No matter what names I use.

“I refuse to believe that I’m affecting the world just because I insult one woman who I think deserves it no differently than if the person I was disagreeing with was a man. No matter what names I use”

Don’t worry, you don’t need to believe it. I can promise you…..as a woman, and as “part of the world”….that I’m not offended by someone, somewhere who just called someone else a cunt. That is called grasping. And it’s almost comical.

I agree with most of what you’ve said Matt. It’s a nasty word. I’ve said it. I’ve been called it. It’s meant to do one thing….to instill hate and anger. But yes, it’s still just a word. Words only hurt you if you let them. That’s entitlement? Please. The next time someone calls my five year old a name, I’ll be sure to remind him it wasn’t just him that got called a name, but all five year olds everywhere.

Let’s just add this to the ever growing list of new things to be offended by.

I personally don’t think that you can call a man whatever name you want either. I do think that if you call a girl cunt, you are kind of giving a permission for anyone who doesn’t like or agree with your daughter (or wife or mom…) to use that also, because you can’t really get mad at them for doing that if you are using the same word.
I also think that you are setting an example to those around you that they can use whatever word they want about people they don’t like. Like if I’m calling a person (man or woman) an asshole I’m setting an example to my friends, kids etc that it is ok to use that word to describe someone. That’s how I understood it when Glennon said that if you call one woman a cunt you call them all that, because when you use a word, no matter what the word is, you are saying that it is okay to use that word (Obviously I know that I can’t know for sure what Glennon actually means, but that’s just how I understood it)
I also agree with you that if I would call someone a certain name, I wouldn’t mean it for all men or women or black person or white person, but unintentionally the message I would be sending is that it is okay to use that word of any one of them, my child, friend, brother, mother included.
I personally don’t want to live in a world where it is okay to call anyone a name to hurt them. It is totally ok to not agree with someone or acknowledge that someone really just isn’t a nice or a good person, but if I just call that person a cunt or an asshole or something else, it doesn’t solve the problem at all. That is what this guy did when he posted that comment on Facebook. Maybe he did have a point why he doesn’t like Glennon or her work, but because he didn’t say why he posted that thing it just comes out mean and hateful, because I’m sure his comment won’t change how Glennon works and he knew it, since he didn’t point out any real problem he has with her. So I personally think that the problem is with name calling in general because it is always meant to hurt and never solving the real problems. I do get it though that if people are arguing there are sometimes mean names yelled and it’s not horrible, but when someone intentionally chooses to call someone something, like this man obviously did since he typed it, then it is just mean, no matter how anyone understand’s the word.
I think that’s why this conversation is good, because we are pointing out our differing opinions politely and that way maybe can see each others’ points, that never happens when we are just calling names.

You’re not helping anything with your short snide remarks. The best part of this discussion for me is that most of the people here that disagree with me, or even the ones that mostly agree are able to express their ideas in a way that opens up a dialog with each other. Something that could potentially change a viewpoint. So far your comments have been unhelpful at best, and inflammatory at worst.

If you have something to say, say it. If you can’t be bothered to articulate why you think I’m wrong, I’m just going to assume it’s because I’m not and you’re just mad.

Hi, I’m sorry. I do understand that there are some women you don’t like. I mean that honestly, but what I think may not be crossing your mind is the fact that one word is overkill. Even to a woman you don’t like, why would you need to degrade her so much? Why do you need to tell her she is nothing? Why do you need to tell her she is a worthless object? Why do you ever need to make someone else less than you? You can dislike anyone you want, but it says so much more about you and not the person you dislike.

Hi Matt – first of all thanks for such a respectful dialogue. It’s been interest in my to read all the points and counterpoints.

I thought I might weigh in here because I feel strongly that words are powerful. Not because we give them power, but because history has infused them with certain power. The N word can be ignored and someone can choose not to be offended by it, but the very fact that that person would acknowledge they choose to not be offended is tacit acknowledgment of the inherent power of the word for the majority.

Even the fact that you say you only know of one time when you used it is an implicit acknowledgement that it holds a different weight than other words.

I did not interpret this post to mean that the man was so vile that he would actually call his daughter or wife a cunt. I read that to go on a public Facebook page of someone you do not know personally and post something so vile is releasing a venom into the world that may very well feed into hate against the women he would never call a cunt.

The internet is overflowing with these types of horrendous and polarizing comments and this post is pointing out that those comments have a broader and much more far-reaching impact than the one most people consider when making them.

I am writing this directly to you, but I am taking into account those who have agreed and disagreed with you. I am considering those who will read this after I post and I am carefully trying to clearly articulate a message that will contribute to a more peaceful world because even if this doesn’t change your mind in any way – it will undoubtedly effect someone.

So, I believe the point is that regardless of whether individuals don’t feel the word as strongly as G did, culturally we all know that it has infused negative power and if you use it you are impacting our collective humanity negatively.

But it’s one guy on one page? No its the thousands of followers of that page who will read it. It is how they feel when the see a man so casually and boldly use that word towards a person they admire and it is the thousands of men and women who feel angry, scared, or saddened by it.

“I did not interpret this post to mean that the man was so vile that he would actually call his daughter or wife a cunt.”

To be fair, Glennon did actually say “Quit hating your daughter,” Like those are actual words that she said. I think that’s a pretty clear statement of her position and the biggest thing I took issue with. It appears (to me anyway) that her direct point is a literal, “If you use this word you hate all women”. Which, to put it frankly is batshit insane to me.

I concur, words have inherent power even when we don’t personally mean to convey that power. That’s not something that I’m always aware of.

Thanks for your addition to this conversation. I feel like it’s been a productive use of my time, which isn’t something you can always say about discussions on controversial issues on anonymous message boards.

“I’m not trying to, but … ” “I’m not saying that … ” “I don’t do that, but … ”

When you post something that requires this many qualifiers, you can’t then sit back and say that people who vehemently disagree with you are “professional internet victims.”

Saying “I don’t do that, but” or “I don’t say that, but” or “I personally don’t believe, but … ” really means that you think that doing that, saying that, or believing that is OK in certain circumstances because hey, she REALLY is a cunt, y’know?

Nope, not OK. Not even if the person really is someone you believe to have earned the title. To most women, the word “cunt” is like the word “n—r.” So when it leaves your mouth in anger, you are saying to the world and to the women in your life that you think it’s OK to use that kind of demeaning, subjugating language to insult a woman, even if she is a horrible person.

How about calling her a horrible person? An evil bitch, even? There are so many words you can use other than cunt. Cunt goes right to the source. It calls out our “otherness” in a way that is demeaning and inescapable. There is no corollary for men, I’d like to point out. When you call someone a “n” you are calling out their otherness in a despicable way. Same for cunt. You boys can call each other f–gs or cocksuckers or whatever you want, but that is an insult to gay men in general. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the person to whom it’s addressed is gay. You’re not calling them out for being “other.” You’re just calling them a name, bonus points for demeaning an entire group along with it, amirite?

I’ve thought hard about your comments and I just can’t get with them. I agree with the previous posters that the male privilege you are displaying is pretty stunning. Also, when I say privilege, I don’t mean that you have money or power or status or whatever. It means that you have the privilege of being in the Category On Top – men. When you’re in such a category, it’s going to be a real stretch for you to tell people in the categories below you how they should feel about being in that spot.

“you can’t then sit back and say that people who vehemently disagree with you are “professional internet victims.”

Nor did I. There were lots of people here who disagreed with what I said and I didn’t call them professional internet victims. I only called one person that and that was the person who tried to start a dialog with me by telling me that I couldn’t possibly understand the conversation because of my “privilege” When I hear that word I know that it’s extremely rare that anything even remotely intelligent is going to follow. There is a certain group of people that are trying to dominate discussion on the internet, and they’re not looking for actual debate, they’re not looking to change people’s minds, they’re just looking to be angry and rant about how life isn’t fair. And when I see it happen I refuse to even give them the attention that they are desperately craving. I’m really sorry if being born a woman makes you feel like you are in a category below me, but that’s not how I feel and I refuse to even engage in a discussion with someone who has already assigned that role to me in her mind. There’s literally no intelligent debate to be had here, and since that’s the only reason I’m here, I’ll wish you a good day as well.

Matt,
As a woman who is participating in the domination of this blog response I would like to thank you for your comments. Do I agree with most of what you have said? No. Do I think because I see things differently than you your points are invalid? Quite the contrary. I would like to applaud you on standing up and speaking your mind in a way that didn’t involve debasing women. It could’ve been really easy to feel attacked and reply “well maybe you are all just c***s have a nice life”…but you didn’t. So thanks for that.

I have a lot of things I would like to say on the subject, particularly to you, but I you may be sick of the discussion…try to humor me?

“To put it bluntly, not all women are the same. I take issue with the idea that I can’t dislike one woman without disliking them all. ”
—— to be clear this part of your original reply I agree with . You’re under no obligation to like all women..I sure don’t..
You then added,
“That I can use one horrible word to describe one horrible person and that somehow just because I use that word I’m now bound to think of all women in that same light.”
— I’m not an advocate of name calling no matter the reasons/word/sex etc, but I’ll level with you, when I’m pissed or venting, yep, I do it. This being said my main problem is with the choice of the word he used.
The word is a derogatory term for women… I dont think that much can really be debated. I’ve seen some women here who say it’s not offensive to them and that’s great. I’m glad they don’t feel hate or less of a person when they are called that. To me it is offensive, maybe not to the degree the blog post states, but yes offensive. When people use that(no matter their gender) the implication is vaginas and those who posses them are bad or somehow less worthy… otherwise it wouldn’t be an insult right? If we “must” use names I think we should aim for mean words that can be used to describe anyone no matter gender/race etc.
I take issue with men and women calling each other p**** for the same reason..people call each other that because they aren’t being strong so we are likening them to a vagina? Same thing with another poster talking about her boys calling each other girls in a mean spirited way…

I feel the same with any other word used to make a person feel as if they are no more than the group we associate them with and if they aren’t in that group (example a straight male calling another straight male a f**) we are still saying something is “wrong” or “unworthy” with that group.

When people say gay as an insult or r***** as an insult, it’s just wrong in my eyes… same with c***.

I see your point to an extent on the instance you used that word. I can be a very hateful person when I am very angry. You said it because you wanted to win and that I understand, but it was too far in my opinion. You hurt her with the word because of its meaning and undertones in this society. You dont hate/dislike women and she was acting in a way that in your mind deserved her to be called a name so you pulled the holy grail of insults to win… doesn’t mean you hate women or think they are only here to lie down and shut up,

BUT

Would you (assuming you aren’t racist and don’t use this word) in a fight with an African-American/black use the n word to win?

Would you use f** in an argument with a person that is homosexual to win? (Again assuming you bear no hatred towards people who are attracted to the same sex and that you are a straight male)

To me it’s the same. I can respect other women don’t feel that way. I can respect that you don’t feel that way and I get our culture is a little quick to cry offended these days…but in the case of using the c word as an insult i think it’s worthy of being deemed offensive.

Just something to think about i suppose.

Also, I’d like to comment on the privilege talk. Men have more power in this society then women if you look at how much they make comparatively and other factors. Women are still viewed by many as the weaker sex, I don’t think that means your points and opinions don’t hold weight…

That means you are being attacked and debased for being who you are and that is simply WRONG. You should not be judged and told your opinion doesn’t matter because you have a penis!!! WRONG.

I’m white. To SOME people of other races that means I’m racist automatically, others can see not everyone in the group is the same… Because I can be put in this “privileged” group doesn’t mean I dont care about other races or that my opinions are meaningless because I don’t belong. I understand there is still racism in this world and I hate that. I hate it. What I can do as a white non racist person is not use derogatory terms to those of a different color to perpetuate hate…
I don’t believe someone is less than me because of their skin color and though I’m a bit of a hot head I have never once used those words as an insult to win.

Similarly you can be a male and not hate women. You can disagree with a feminist and not be a woman hater…

So if you would like the discussion you say you aren’t seeing here know that I am capable and willing to have that discussion. If you chose to leave because you are feeling attacked and unheard I encourage you to keep standing up and stating your opinions in a civil way. I think we all have something to learn from one another.

To those who say we are giving to much power to words (Matt I think you touched on this too) I see your point to an extent, but I firmly believe words are the most powerful weapon human kind possesses. You can respectfully debate that and I will listen even though I may not agree

“So if you would like the discussion you say you aren’t seeing here know that I am capable and willing to have that discussion.”

Oh, I just meant that I wasn’t capable of having it with the one or two people that started off by talking about how I couldn’t possibily understand what was going on here due to my priviledge. 95% of the replies that I’ve gotten here (including yours obviously) are perfectly fine and civil and I’m up for.

I’m pretty sure I touched on it in another comment, but I since I never really saw the c word as an exclusive gender specific insult, I never really made the connection between it and the n-word, f-word, etc. The r-word, I have completely separate issues with, but I definitely acknowledge that there is a huge difference between insulting a non-mentally challenged person by calling them a retard and actually calling someone with a mental disability the same thing. I guess I can see where using the C word on a woman vs a man would be two different things as well. Definitely repeating myself here, but I always thought of the c-word as a synonym for “shitty person” and not as some powerful way that I can assert my male dominance over lowly women, but I do realize that not everyone has that same relationship with the word.

You’ll have to forgive me, I’m going on 26 hours of no sleep right now I just hit a wall (figuratively, not literally) , and my brain isn’t coming up with all the right words at the moment. I have been trying to acknowledge everyone that has posted to me, and I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t see your comment or take it to heart. I might post more later if something comes to me, I think it’s awesome that we are able to have this conversation where not everybody sees eye to eye but for the most part everyone is being civil and discussing their differences like grown ass people.

Please share his name. People like this should not be allowed to hide in the shadows and make threats, veiled or not. They should not be allowed to verbally assault and intimidate our wives, sisters, daughters, and friends with impunity.

Like those who make actual sexual assaults, they need secrecy and anonymity to flourish and continue to spread their poison.

Society can not allow these thugs to continue to thrive. At the very least we must shine a bright light on them and drive them back under their rocks. And at best to ‘police’ them and force them to pay a very high price for their actions.

The first time I was called this word, I was 10-years-old. I must have stared at him blankly, because then he proceeded to clarify that this was the worst thing in the world he could call me and, therefore, I should be mortally wounded. Since I had no reference point, I continued to stare, not with fear, but with the thought that this was a very desperate, ignorant boy who was hurting so much in his own skin that he would do anything to make another human being feel his enormous pain. But the word meant absolutely nothing to me, and I was only slightly curious about ascertaining its meaning; in fact, it took me serveral years more to truly understand the definition. Even then, at 10, I knew that this word would never have energy or impact in my life, because only 10-year-old boys, with enormous insecurities and physical and emotional and psychic pain would ever use this word as a weapon. From that moment on, I knew the word was strictly for the use of other boys, and then men, to use when they were desperately hurting, and small, and afraid.. It is a small, desparate man’s word, used to destroy themselves. It does not apply to women, to us. I think we as women should understand this, that it’s an empty, impotent word, used by empty, impotent men.

Glennon, I am always impressed and inspired by how you express yourself whether you are speaking to emotions you are feeling or how you respond to external triggers. I am stunned by the revelation that you deal with threats against you and your safety. How in the world do you maintain your beautiful outlook on life and not be afraid of potential harm or the hate of others?

There is nothing worse to me then this word. I don’t think there is any power in using it more it would only be a trigger for women who have had it thrown at them like a knife. It was used by my brother to intimidate and abuse me. He is now a father to 2 beautiful warrior sisters. I’ve prayed that somehow becoming a father will heal whatever has been missing in him to cause such hate and fear of women. I’ve stopped contact with him years ago. We would like to believe that these men came from horrible homes and mothers that abused them but I can attest that at least in the case of my brother that is far from the truth. I doubt he is the only misogynist who came from a Mother warrior who did her best. I think your response is the most powerful of all, showing that no matter what intimidation and anger thrown your way you will power on in love.

Thank you so much. Reminds me of Audre Lorde’s writing on silence. She inspired me to speak to the man face to face who had sexually assaulted me.

“My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences.”

I love this response! I love that you didn’t cringe from his hate spewed words, and so effectively threw the word cunt back out there, unashamed and bad ass brave! May we all be so brave and straightforward when confronted with hate and violence from anyone! Warrior on!

I believe this rage, this extreme sense of entitlement to “put you in your place” is essentially what is the root cause of all these mass murders. How do we fix our culture? Thank you for showing him the truth. What ugly words he generates for one is brewing poison for all. I know… we respond always in love. I just hope we can curb this soon enough. I have a daughter and granddaughter with another one on the way. I want to see them in a better world before I leave this one…

Thank you for articulating how the word cunt makes me feel. It’s been used way too much by my ex-husband towards me, mainly since I’ve stopped allowing him to control me. And it’s true, he’s trying to reduce me to my body, which is all he’s ever seen me as.

…. Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more! A big shout out to your sister too!

The internet brings out so much horrible behavior that I just can’t comprehend… I hope at least a few trolls read your post and take a long hard look in the mirror at who they are and who they want to be.

Thank you for being a warrior, for being real, and for holding up that mirror.

I’ve been called this word a few times. Usually it is when I’ve spoken my mind, or made a man feel like he isn’t as powerful as he wants to feel. It seems to me like a word of last resort…like “I can’t think of anything else, so I’ll go to this word and hope it shuts you up.” Kind of like a little kid shrieking instead of using words.

I don’t let it bother me anymore. I’ve often thought we should take it back — put the power back into it and take the hate and violence out.

Bravo and well said………….The “c” word ( i refuse to say it but glad you did) is the word I hate the most and you just clarified why I hate it so much. It’s so refreshing that there are women in the world like you, Glennon, that arent’ afraid to speak the truth!!

We need to take that word back.
It is my fucking cunt
I am pleased with and proud of my cunt
You want to offend me, frighten me, intimidate, or threaten me, cunt will not suffice any longer. I love my cunt. I love the power my cunt has.
I will no longer give that power to any individual who does not have the intimate relationship with my own fucking cunt that I have.

This! Yes! I was talking with my BEST that not only do we want our daughters to have the courage to say no to an uninvited sexual advance, i.e. rape – we want them to be able to sat no in situations where the answer is no because “this is gooooood stuff and I don’t want you to have any of it”

By taking it back, we transform it’s meaning from vulgar to beautiful! If it is supposed to refer to our vagina, how can it be vulgar except when it is said with violence and hatred? Our bodies are beautiful! By reclaiming the word, we make it ours and give it the meaning we want, taking away the power for it to be used against us. If Cunt is a beautiful word, we don’t take on the hateful message behind it.

Yes! Since my college woman’s studies class in 1990 THIS is how I hear and use the word cunt. It is MINE, it is my power, is the source of my creativity… That power scares people with no power of their own.

The “c-word” makes me cringe every time I hear it. The vulgarity it implies diminishes every good thing a woman is and does. Thank you for addressing this person and teaching him with class and grace. When you know better, you do better. Hopefully he’ll get it, for the sake of his wife and daughter. #lovewins

His behavior hurts my heart so much. This kind of through-a-screen vitriol is the absolute worst thing about our internet culture, in my opinion. Like today, when I see that the sit-in for gun safety means some legislators are finally taking a stand, the ridiculous level of hateful comments just…hearts my heart. Your response here is awesome, Glennon, as was Sister’s. The reality is that, when you fight fire with fire, you get…a bigger fire. Fighting fire with water is what gets the job done. Thanks for dousing his hatred with words of wisdom. Hopefully he’ll see the error of his ways. Carry on, Warrior. (And give Sister a big hug for me, if you don’t mind!)

I was called a ‘cunt’ a week ago for the first time in my life. (I was also likened to an abusive alcoholic and deemed ‘unprogressive’ in the same email, but I digress…) There was something very disturbing to me about being called that word in particular by another woman, and a woman who insists she owns moral integrity that I do not. Anyway, thank you for your clear message about this word – it was foggy in my mind because I was still looking at it through injured eyes. An extremely intelligent friend suggested that the best way to deal with my swirling emotions around this subject was to attempt to hold space for other women who were called that word this day, other women who were dealing with a similar tough situation. So I hold some space for you today and accept your offering at the same time. Solidarity + Onward.

Once a linguistics teacher told me that cunt meant beautiful, ornate thing. I never reasearched the etymology but why would she lie. We could look into it. But you’re right, in the current vernacular, the word does imply violence. Such a shame.

As a linguistics teacher, she was probably trying to teach you the etymological use of the word. Originally, that is what the word meant in Old English (though newer translations may relate it as above, if you read an older version of Chaucer you’ll find it in the correct “queint”). You can also find other variations of this word that more closely resemble what one might currently expect in different Germanic languages that have fed modern English. Hopefully you were studying something in linguistics since you denoted that as her field, and if so, that definition could have easily been considered correct in her expertise.

This is so amazing for me to read today. I am a woman who uses her voice and I have been feeling upset the last couple of days because of some conflict regarding my blog (which is about gender equality in the Church). This really puts the comments I have received into perspective! Thank you for being so encouraging, Glennon. I really, really needed this.

It’s always bugged me that the worst word in the English language is cunt. It used to be Fuck…but then people started using fuck a lot more, and it lost a lot of its power. We need to do the same thing with cunt… Would it work if just as black people can call each other niggah, we should call our sisters cunt? Can we own that word and make it special to us and rob others of misusing it?

I’m still bothered by the F word, because isn’t the whole connotation of it to be using sex to show anger or violence? You don’t say “F you” to someone meaning, “I would like to make love with you.” When you say or write a word that turns sexual intercourse into rage or a threat, how is that in any way empowering the women who use it? I know some women who seem to find using that word somehow liberating, but I don’t get it. To me, it sounds like joining men in seeing sex as a weapon.

Well, if historians have taught me anything it’s that women have been seeing sex as a weapon for a very, very long time… Just more scalpel and less battering ram. But anyway.

Fuck to me, in its sexual meaning, involves zero anger or violence. It is definitely common to ask if someone wants to fuck (have casual sex), or to refer to fucking as different from lovemaking (the former quick and carnal, the latter slow and emotional).

But it’s all in the use. It has anger some ways (“fuck you!”), annoyance others (“oh for fucks sake.”), jubilation others (“Finally! Fuck yes!”), and fervency others (“you’re so fucking awesome, I love you.”).

So no, it doesn’t have to have violence layered in it at all! It’s a flavoring word. I think of it as peppercorns: you can use it in lost of cases, just not too much.