Abandonment Issues

I never realized how many cases of feelings of abandonment existed until I became a spiritual counselor. Feelings of abandonment are pretty rampant in U.S. society.

I find that most cases of feelings of abandonment are predominant with females in general, African-American females in particular.

Abandonment is rampant with African-American females due to the condition of the Black community and the Black household in general with single African-American women being head of household due to no man in the house; and without a man in the house to lead by example and to execute certain duties and responsibilities, little Black girls grow up with a sense of void and a subtle or overt anger and/or distrust of Black males.

Many of these young Black girls will even attract males that are replicas of the very same fathers that abandoned them. They will seek men who beat them and these females will interpret the beating as a form of missed out but necessary reprimand or punishment.

A lot of these girls enjoy being spanked on the fanny, especially in the sex act (doggy style position). They are unconsciously playing out dramas of being disciplined for being naughty or bad and the spanking (discipline) is seen as a gesture of love and concern for we discipline and reprimand (correct) when we love and care about our children (though many Blacks have now bought into the new paradigm of not physically disciplining children which from my observations and studies correlates to the high incidences of black male and female incarceration/prison rates, gang membership and violence, teenage pregnancy, disrespect for elders, disrespect for life, etc. - things you didn't see a lot of in the 1940s, 1950s, 1960s and early 1970s in Black communities across the country.

However, because we have degenerated in many respects as a collective people, in many instances it is a good thing that many parents do not physically discipline their children as they are emotionally imbalanced and can do serious harm to the child in physically disciplining the child.

However, when it comes to physical or corporeal punishment, I only have an opinion and I respect other people's free will, but for me personally, I will use what works and what worked wonders for myself coming up as a little boy. People have to get in where they fit in. Basically, people must do what works best for them. If discipline works for you, good! Use it! If it doesn't (due to personal beliefs), still good! Simply don't do it! People must simply do what works best for them based upon their personal circumstances and belief systems.

I counsel a lot of Black women and many have a subconscious proclivity for the need to be punished (abused). Many are attracting males that serve as replacement fathers or father figures. What they didn't get in an actual daddy or father: love, attention, discipline, guidance, etc, they are seeking in boyfriends.

Many will get out of line on purpose with their boyfriends so as to be put back in their place. Many derive sexual passion from these kinds of antics.

Heated arguments and even physical fist fights leads to hot steamy "ghetto love" sex in many cases. As Julian and Nathan Hare elucidated in their works back in the 1970s, it's a case of "kick and kiss," something commonly used by ghetto pimps with their whores.

"Kick and kiss" meant a man kicks a woman's ass then turns around and kisses her and the battered and mentally twisted female interprets this as love and care. Basically, the woman receives pain then she receives affection. This was nothing but a psychological ploy to keep this woman confused and on the street as a loyal and faithful whore for the no-good pimp.

You still have a lot of kickin' and kissin' going on today, and what do many Black male youth identify themselves as today? PIMPS! Many of them simply desire to be a pimp. Of all the things you could be in the world from a public leader, religious leader, engineer, astronaut, healer, judge, attorney, doctor, etc. why would you want to be a pimp -0 a weak man who preys on weak and injured females?

And the Black females (mostly the younger generation of Black females), are they not generally looked upon as and called "hoes?" I'm afraid they are! They are commonly referred to nowadays as bitches and hoes and Black females themselves glorify these terms in their ignorance. Personally, repetition of a word or saying constitutes mental programming and after you've been listening to degenerate gangster rap music all day, you've been seriously programmed. You've probably heard the terms "bitch" and "hoe" about 50 times.

And yes, the young Black males too glorify these terms in their ignorance, especially the ignorant gangster rapper and wanna-be gangster rapper who'd even exploit his own sister for a $10 record label deal.

Black females are experiencing abandonment at alarming rates due to the fact that Black relationships generally don't last long and Black women are the least likely of all women in the U.S. to be desired for marriage and/or actually to be married. Many Black males (of the younger generation) have stated to me: "Why should we marry them hoes when they give up the pussy for free?" "Who buys the damn cow when you can get all the milk for free?"

Defining Abandonment

The word "abandonment" derives from the word "abandon."

Abandon. verb [ trans. ] 1 give up completely (a course of action, a practice, or a way of thinking) : he had clearly abandoned all pretense of trying to succeed. See note at relinquish. • discontinue (a scheduled event) before completion : against the background of perceived threats, the tour was abandoned. 2 cease to support or look after (someone); desert : her natural mother had abandoned her at an early age. • leave (a place, typically a building) empty or uninhabited, without intending to return : derelict houses were abandoned. • leave (something, typically a vehicle or a vessel) decisively, esp. as an act of survival : he abandoned his vehicle and tried to flee on foot.

A feeling of abandonment simply means a person feels given up on due to another (parent or guardian) ceasing to support or look after him or her.

Boy have I learned that this feeling is so common in our society and nation.

Now while I say "feeling" (feeling of abandonment), the feeling is a legitimate one based upon a real action or act of abandonment. Most people who have a fear of abandonment or being abandoned have at some point in their life been abandoned and usually by someone they loved and depended on. The act of being abandoned justifies the feeling of abandonment (despite the feeling being an unhealthy one).

Why People Are Abandoned

The people who have been abandoned by someone they love (or loved) have been abandoned in accordance pursuant to contractual agreement before incarnating. This may seem and sound strange to many people simply because metaphysics and occult philosophy are not taught in U.S. schools and thus are foreign concepts.

People who experience abandonment in this lifetime chose this lesson. The problem is - when we take on flesh or the dense body, we forget everything including contractual agreements made on the Other Side.

If you have been abandoned, YOU chose this life lesson and you could also be learning a karmic lesson in that you may be paying off karmic debt due to abandoning someone in a previous or past life. The person who may have abandoned you in this lifetime may have been abandoned by you in a previous or past life. The roles are just simply switched or reversed in this lifetime so that you can experience what you dished out on another. Experience is the best teacher. What better way to learn something than through personal experience?

This is why I teach people to stop feeling sorry for themselves and to release all that anger, hatred, and bitterness they may hold towards the person who satisfied a contractual agreement by playing out a certain role that gave a valuable life or soul lesson and/or perhaps helped you to clear your karmic slate all by simply abandoning you and allowing you to experience what you yourself did to another person and thus creating karma that must be resolved.

See, once you learn your lessons, you (Soul) can move on to higher ground (higher realms). That's why you are here on Earth in the first place. To learn! To experience! To grow and evolve! Earth is a big school and we are all students who signed up to learn valuable life (soul) lessons.

So why be mad at your biological father because he abandoned you? Your life went a certain course in response to his abandoning you and it was supposed to so you could experience other soul lessons you applied for while on the Other Side. Every role a person plays in your life is critical. And there are no accidents. Every person that comes into your life is someone you contracted with in order to experience a lesson or lessons. This is why many of you keep on attracting the same kinds of people. It's because you have something to learn.

"Djehuty, I keep attracting Scorpios in my life!" Well, that's because Scorpio teaches you something you need to learn. What are the traits of Scorpio? Learn the traits of this sign and you will come to learn what you need to learn from Scorpio (and not necessarily the person who may be born under the sign of Scorpio, but Scorpio the Zodiac sign itself).

You keep on attracting Taurus? What is it that Taurus teaches you? What are the traits of Taurus? Perhaps you need to learn the opposite traits that the Taurus person is displaying to you. If Taurus deals with patience, loyalty, perseverance, stability, and practicality, perhaps you need to learn these traits in your life.

You attract certain signs in people for a reason.

Again, there are no accidents. Every person that comes into your life is someone you contracted with in order to experience a lesson or lessons, so you might as well get rid of that self-sabotaging victim mentality and victim consciousness because it has not served you positively and constructively and nor will it. There are no victims on this ride called life. Only participants!

You play a role in everything that happens to you. You are not powerless (until and unless you give your power away to another due to buying into some illusion sponsored by the Matrix or society).

Okay, so your mother abandoned you! On a lower level or mundane level, it doesn't look nice for a mother to abandon her child, but there's also a corresponding spiritual level as well and we can't judge what happens on the spiritual level in the same light as we do pertaining to the material or mundane level.

What may appear bad or negative on the lower plane is seen as good or positive on the higher plane - the spiritual plane.

Let us stop judging people for the roles we asked people to play in our personal dramas called life. You scripted your life so there's no one to blame for anything that occurs in your life outside of yourself. You must learn to take responsibility for your self and learn to take responsibility for your role played in all of your life dramas with various characters.

The lesson abandonment teaches us is clear: that when you establish your relationship with your Higher Self or the God within, you are never alone.

You are never alone. You always have guardian angels on the scene. You always have a spirit guide (or two) on the scene. You would realize all of this if you lived more on the intuitive side of life, or the invisible side of life.

When you learn to be by yourself, or learn to be alone, the fear, hurt, and pain of abandonment will dissolve. The problem with most people is that they know nothing about being alone and know too much about being lonely. Being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things.

Abandonment inverted is a sense of being at home within Self. If you have been abandoned, you have a lesson to learn so as to arrive at a certain state: contentment, peace, acceptance of, and company with Self.

The outer circumstances always reflect the inner. If you feel abandoned externally, it's because you have abandoned on the inner plane. You have abandoned the relationship with your Higher Self and this is because you are perhaps focusing too much on the external - the person who has abandoned you.

People give you what you desire via transmitting via vibration. If you emit a vibration of being abandoned, rest assure, you will be abandoned. Somebody will come into your life (that YOU attracted) and give you want you fear because according to higher law, what we fear will appear.

The man (boyfriend) who comes into your life and then leaves you like your father did is only giving you your worst fears. If you don't feel worthy of love and to be loved, a man (or woman) will pick up on this energy and give you what you unconsciously want or more of what you unconsciously want - more confirmation that you are not worthy to be loved.

People give you what you ask for via transmission of energy or what you broadcast out. So what are you broadcasting? When you are thinking you are broadcasting. When you are feeling a certain way you are broadcasting. Again, what are you broadcasting? Someone who has been hurt over and over again? A helpless victim who has no control over his or her destiny? Someone who is always abandoned or left?

Being abandoned creates a defense mechanism in many people. To protect themselves, these people shut down - their hearts! These people decide or choose not to trust which can create real anger, frustration, sorrow, and depression when there's a deep desire to trust or want to trust. Most people who don't trust other people want to trust other people deep down inside of themselves. They really do! However, they allow the fear (of being hurt again) to block them so they shut down and this is where the misery and depression comes from because at the person's essence is this desire for love - to give and be loved by the man or woman of one's dreams.

People who have a hard time trusting don't trust themselves. They don't trust that they are worthy of being loved. They don't trust that they are unique. They don't trust that they deserve the best for themselves. They simply do not trust many things pertaining to their own selves.

What we want from others must first take root in ourselves. When we truly learn to trust in God or the Universe, we will automatically learn to trust in ourselves - our abilities and gifts, what we have to offer, etc.

Overcoming Abandonment

Abandonment is an illusion. You can never be alone because God is always with you. Even when you don't know this, God is still there. This was the theme of the book and movie "Conversations With God."

Leave your comfort zone! Learn to trust but this time, learn to trust from the heart and the mind. Not just from the heart (emotions), but the mind (logic) as well. Trust your instincts, your intuition. Become judicious!

You can program yourself by working with energy to only attract trustworthy people. Stop looking to be burned and dogged out. What you look for, suspect, or expect you will usually get. If you don't want to be or get hurt, then why are you thinking about being hurt so much? You were only hurt so much in the past because you were unconscious. You lived by default. You failed to learn the lessons.

"I just don't want to be hurt, Djehuty!" This is what many clients tell me. These people usually end up being hurt because they are unconscious of the language they are using, the words they are speaking. The Universe doesn't process negative language so when we use the word "don't" the Universe erases it and so our statement of "I don't want to be hurt" becomes "I WANT (or desire) to be hurt!" And guess what? YOU GET IT!

Hell, because of unconsciousness, people are bringing hurt and pain their way due to ignorance.

You see, they want love (true love) but because they think about being hurt and the pain associated with being hurt, they create blocks to their own desires. This leads to frustration and apathy. There are many frustrated people in the world. They want something but are afraid at the same time. They unwisely focus on what they don't want more so than focusing on what they do want!

Most hurt people miss the lesson of pain. When we are hurt or pained, the objective should be to never shut the heart down in response to being hurt, shutting the heart down to protect self. This is unwise, because when we shut the heart down entirely, we miss out on all the other gifts waiting for us and that come to us by way of an open heart.

Trust me, it's no way in the world you will be giving love with a closed heart. If you're not giving love because of a closed heart, you damn sure won't be receiving love with that same closed heart. I can guarantee you that!

The goal of pain is to process the pain without letting the heart close or shut down. Deal with the pain consciously! Deal with the pain while processing that pain because within that pain is information and knowledge that can help you learn a valuable lesson (or lessons) and arrive at the polarity of pain which is joy. And that's what we all want at the end of the day, right?

In pain is joy or pleasure. You are going through so much pain because of a deep desire for the opposite of pain (which is joy or pleasure), but you are missing the lessons. You are focusing on the pain and not the lesson. In fact, many women have told me that they just numb themselves. They just block things out! This is unwise! To block emotion and thought is to suppress them and whatever is suppressed is eventually expressed.

Most young ladies I deal with have so much pain in their lives because that's what they give the majority of their focus to. They focus way more on pain than they do joy and so pain is what they attract. Wherever thought goes, energy flows. If your attraction is pain then pain is what you will attract. Period!

Whatever you think about the most is what you'll attract the most. It's that simple.

In closing, I would like to focus on the analogy of an abandoned house and the person who feels abandoned.

When we think of an abandoned house, we think of a house that is empty and void on the inside. It may even be neglected. It may be boarded up (guarded).

Now apply the foregoing to the person who feels abandoned. Clearly these people who feel abandoned and/or who have a fear of abandonment are empty and void on the inside, in some respect. They feel neglected by someone whom they feel should have paid attention to them. They also are on guard. They have boarded up their hearts in an attempt to protect themselves, attempting to make sure they never get hurt again.

No chances for these people! No risk either! They will play it safe. But there's no adventure in safety! The excitement comes from reasonable risk. Risk is opportunity and for opportunities there must be chances.

These people must learn to trust again, but with intuition, reason, and wisdom.

They must learn to reprogram their minds. When negative and self-defeating thoughts arise, they must shut off that type of thinking and think the reverse - positive thoughts!

"He/she (my lover) will leave me for somebody else!" becomes "My lover is in my life permanently because of our energetic cord and connection that transcends the flesh."

"My mother/father abandoned me!" becomes "My mother/father fulfilled her/his role pursuant to contract so that I could experience valuable life lessons for my ultimate good and soul growth and thus I am grateful for the role this person played in my life and for my benefit."

"I am not worthy of love!" becomes "I am worthy of love because I am love and I emanate love!"

"I can't trust anyone because I'll be hurt!" becomes "Because I trust myself I only attract trustworthy people into my life and trust is reciprocated and therefore I experience peace."

"He/she broke my heart!" becomes "He/she has helped to strengthen and purify my heart as I am processing the pain while my heart or 4th chakra remains wide open to receive and emit pure love."

"I'm afraid to get involved in a relationship with someone" becomes "I am eager and excited to get involved in a relationship with someone - my ultimate soul mate, because of all the joy and pleasure that awaits me in this blessed union or relationship."

Try these affirmations the next time you start thinking negative. In fact, affirm them daily and watch the miraculous results that transpire in your life and almost overnight.

Changing your words will change your mind and when you change your mind - you change your life! This is how it works people!

Your destiny is in your hands. You are the captain of your ship (life). Leave the dock and set sail upon the high seas of adventure and mystery.

Open your heart and the true love you desire will come. Just as closed mouths don't get fed, neither do closed hearts. As singer Madonna said in a song: OPEN YOUR HEART!

Lastly, to all males out there with a female child(ren), just because your relationship with your daughter's mother didn't work out, you still have a moral duty and obligation to help raise your daughter (and son too). Paying child support is not enough. Emotional bonding is important for a healthy father-daughter relationship. Little girls need guidance, protection, a sense of paternal security; love, and trust in their father. It helps them develop a healthy view of males and helps balance them. They'll have better relationships with males in their future due to being attracted to males with similar qualities of their respected and endeared father.

My good friend Harold Acey says that many black women have an unconscious and a conscious hatred of black males simply because they are mad at their black father for leaving them and not being in their lives. And not to alienate other races and nationalities by focusing so much on Black women (which is not my purpose and never is), but I'd be remiss if I didn't state that many females in general have an unconscious or conscious hatred of males, period, because their father left them and wasn't in their lives. I have also counseled numerous Caucasian women who suffer from abandonment issues.

Many black girls have been raped, molested, and sexually assaulted and they are bitter, sad, and angry that they didn't have a strong and protective father or father figure on the scene to protect them and thus they may resent all black males. They may learn to develop a general distrust of black males due to being violated by a black male. They may develop a feeling that black males generally are not reliable.

Some may even make up their minds to only or exclusively date men outside of their race, seeing these men as real men - reliable, financially solvent, caring, considerate, trustworthy, provident, paternally inclined, marriageable, etc.

The rampant disgust and mistrust of black males by many black females (who were abandoned and/or violated by black males) also plays a pivotal role in the high incidences of black female lesbianism. Many black female lesbians are not really lesbian at heart but are merely experimenting with this lifestyle and/or sexual orientation as a reaction to their disappointment and frustration with black males. I will go more into detail on this subject in the article "Homosexuality." So stay tuned to Dherbs.com!

He is the founder and owner of Dherbs.com, which he started in the Fall of 2003 in Glendale, California.

Deborrah Cooper

While researching "abandonment issues" for an upcoming brodcast, I ran across this article. I must say that I am appalled at the level of hatred and disgust this author displays towards Black women. How can someone in good conscience believe himself to be a relationship expert and positive, forward thinking life coach is shocking. Why not lift Black women suffering from abandonment issues up my Brother instead of verbally and emotionally abusing them with harsh words of this nature? I see nothing here that would help a Black woman's spirit feel hopeful - all I see is blame and condemnation, slick name calling and underhanded denigration.

This so called 'spiritual advisor's hatred of women is mind boggling. His thinly veiled contempt couched in advice for women is simply scary. Women would do well to steer clear of anything this misogynist has to say about them.

not only hate for women, but also racial hate. This guy describes tendencies, compares them over time, and yet, he does not list a single resource that supports his claims. He just sounds ridiculous. This was the first article I read on this website, and I will never visit it again, for it seems to be a very questionable resource.