Intellectual and self-indulgent meditations on feminism and femininity.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

In Defense of Quickies

I am a perfectionist. This means that I read about perfectionism and wonder if it is a good thing or not. I have read research saying that perfectionism leads to procrastination because we are always waiting for the "perfect mood" or otherwise procrastinating because we know once we start what would be a mundane task for most other people, we are embarking on a time-consuming project where every t must be crossed, every i dotted.

This is why I don't proofread my blog posts. I don't even make a habit of reading over them before I post them. If I did, then it would escalate until I was revising it three times (for content, organization/style, and grammar) before I post, so I just post. Please excuse my typos and grammatical errors. I go back and fix them if I or other people notice them.

Imagine having sex with a perfectionist. It would be very stressful. Also, the perfectionist might put off having sex whenever he/she is the least bit tired or not in the mood, because he/she is afraid of being anything but his/her best in the sac. I'm not quite like that, but I do have anxiety about having sex when I'm tired because I'm in danger of becoming a "pillow queen." The other night, after staying up until 1:30 am talking with my boyfriend and being very sleep deprived from accumulated irregular sleeping cycles, I asked if he wanted to make out, but asked if it was okay if I was a pillow queen and just let him kiss me so I wouldn't have to be active. He said it was fine, and proceeded to have sex with me.

The sex was different from before. I was more relaxed that I had ever been. While we were not physically doing anything different, a combination of the sleep deprivation (which makes me act like I'm drunk and eventually made me start giggling for no good reason) and lack of expectations made me approach sex with a different perspective. I noticed and enjoyed things more, without analyzing them or trying to match them.

That session of sex was actually not a quickie, but after awhile we terminated sex since it was late, we were both tired, and we had to go to work the next morning.

The next morning, my boyfriend wanted to "finish" like he hadn't the night before. What follows was what was probably the most seemingly disinterested session of sex we have ever had. I enjoyed the quickie, actually, but again it was different.

First of all, my boyfriend started initiating sex with me after 7 o'clock. Usually by this time he's leaving for work or anxiously getting ready to leave for work, so I (who was still lazing in bed) was like, "Wha? You're trying to have sex with me now? At this time?"

Second of all, unlike him, I did not awake with a hard-on (thank goodness for that), but I wasn't wet either. Therefore, told him, "No, don't go in yet." He admits that he was rushing it.

Third and lastly, because it was the quickest quickie we've ever had (although it was 7:18am by the time it ended, to my boyfriend's anxiety), my boyfriend came subtly. I was confused about whether or not he had come or not because his reaction wasn't as extreme as it usually was. He noticed that I noticed, joking that my reaction was, "What? You're done already?" Really, it was more like, "Did you cum or not? Because I'm not really sure."

Despite all of this, I enjoyed the quickie and told my boyfriend that I had no problem having more of them in the future. For one thing, it's low-pressure (not just for me, for him, since he worries about bringing me to a climax, which just makes me more anxious about whether or not I can get to a climax). For another thing, they're quick and they feel good.

Let's say that most sex is like the movies. There are romances, action movies, horror films, chick flicks, dramas, indies, and epics. They are all huge productions and last a certain amount of time. Movies are great. I mean, some of them disappoint you or are so-so, but the really great ones give you a sense of catharsis and euphoria and have you thinking/talking about it for days.

Quickies are like comic strips or inspirational quotations. They're short, you enjoy them, and they make you feel better about your day.

The fact that quickies are quick make them very good for long-term couples in committed relationships. Relationships with small children (or even larger children) do not have time for private movies very often. There is actually a theory of sex in married couples that claims that couples purposely squash passion because it is based on mystery (and hence lack of intimacy) and unpredictability (which is not good when you have two kids, two careers, and a mortgage). Therefore sex becomes, if not boring, at least very routine (after the kids are put to bed every Thursday night!). On the other hand, plenty of studies show that people should have more sex because it improves our quality of life. Quickies would allow such couples to have more sex, and to have it in an unpredictable and therefore passionate, but manageable way. Easy solution, right?

Lastly, quickies still feel good. I once saw a quotation about golf: "Golf is like sex. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good." I have to admit that sometimes when I have trouble waking up in the morning, I masturbate. It's quick and low-pressure and easy, and afterward I have this sense of euphoria that tricks me into thinking the rest of the day will be okay. While I'm not advocating that people stop masturbating just because they have a regular sexual partner, why not share the love?