Updated on
Monday, November 3

119 comments

I was date-raped over the summer. I was really upset and so I told my best friend and she told me to go to the hospital to get a kit done, so I was actually going to report it. But then I told my mom (for additional support? I don't know. she was my mom) and she didn't believe me and all I could think was if my own mom doesn't believe me, why would some doctor I've never met before believe me? I haven't told anyone else about it and I wont.

Your mom's actions were wrong, albeit perhaps not so out of the ordinary. I am so sorry that it happened to you. No one should have to go through that, and being faced with skepticism from someone you thought you could trust no doubt made it worse.

WOW omg. I'm really sorry to hear about that. The fact that your mum didn't believe you? I really hope you find it in your heart to forgive her. I'm guessing you don't really have a relationship with her, or she is your step mom. Stay strong.

@1d: please don't say things like that. If it's not true and she has a strong relationship with her birth mother, it will just make her feel worse. Also, I don't think it's an excuse either way. Our culture conditions us to disbelieve women and believe men, even when it's a stranger's word vs. your own daughter!, which is part of the reason why assault is so rampant and reporters are disbelieved and victim-blamed.

1 here, thank you for all your supportive words, people! This thing made me realize that if I can post about it anonymously and get support I should also be able to pull myself together enough to go to counselling services to work through some of the lingering feelings I'm having ... so thank you! Really!

@ 1d Previously, I actually had a really good relationship with my mom (like, it wasn't amazing but my dad was abusive growing up so my mom became this incredible parent in comparison) and that's why I trusted her enough to go to her and also probably why I was so shocked that she didn't believe me. What I'm trying to say is I think you were not unreasonable for assuming we had a rocky relationship or she was my stepmother because I always thought that my mother, like any good mother, would have my back if anything bad happened to me (until she didn't).

If you were to open any national newspaper, listen to any public radio, watch any Canadian news broadcast, or read any online news from reputable sources you certainly would have come across the Jian Ghomeshi story. The media coverage and public response to this issue has been massive and has led to multiple articles on sexual harassment and rape culture which reference the story.

Your ignorance may not make you a moron but your crass and callous response certainly does.

Basically, some dude tried to stand up to his boss, who happens to be the biggest media corporation in Canada.Fuck presumption of innocence or fair trials, media lynchings are way more fun, especially when you control the media.

I know how it works in a court of law, but this isn't a court of law. This is outside of the legal system at this point. If we can presume that Ghomeshi is "innocent until proven guilty," then it should apply to the women as well (i.e. that they're not lying).

First, took me a year to even figure out that someone using coersion to touch you sexually without enthusiastic consent is actually assault. I felt like it was my fault, because I "let myself get into that situation," the usual victim-blaming adage. I became very deeply depressed and my boyfriend at the time stopped trusting me over the whole thing. Finally when I described the whole thing in detail to him a year later he freaked out and insisted it was assault. As did my doctor. And my therapist.

At that point, or even the day after, what options do you have? Making a police report, even talking about it, is incredibly traumatizing, and I did not want to be questioned on the validity of my allegations and blamed for it like I heard so many others have been. And of course, the sentence for a non-violent sexual assault is... well, nothing. probably a warning. So what benefit would there have been of me reporting? I didn't think he was going to do it to anyone else.

And then there was the aspect that if I reported it, I'm sure it would have gotten into my friends circle, people would have taken sides, and I would have just been ostracized further. The guy was a close friend of mine and was widely considered to be one of those really nice positive people.

One of the things that's really disturbed me in the time since is how society seems to view sexual interactions. If the woman (and it's always a woman and man, because heteronormativity) isn't 100% into it, that's okay, expected even. Random grabs from strangers in nightclubs aren't considered assault, they're considered a part of the average clubbing experience. Having sex with overly drunk people is defended because apparently it's more important to get laid than to respect a vulnerable person's boundaries. The victim-blaming is so difficult to hear, I can barely cope with it.

I honestly find it incredibly terrifying and I'm not even sure how to get back into dating. It's just so normalized and I never want to have to deal with someone telling me a man's desire for my body is worth more than my own integrity.

I agree with everything you've stated, and I'm sorry for what you went through.

I do wonder what counts as coercion though. When I'm with a women, I always ask if she's okay with whatever touching, etc. Obviously if there's any objection I back off. Sometimes people (women aswell as men) are nervous with a new sexual partner, and so they might come off as hesitant. This might be a dumb question, but is there a clear line between communicating to your partner and coercion?

3a). If someone is nervous about an activity, make sure to pause along the way. Tell them that they're safe, and that it's ok to pull the plug at anytime. You sound like someone who actually cares about his (hers?) partners, so thank you.

Yes, there is definitely a clear line. I won't go into detail about the situation above, but despite of a power imbalance, there were a number of very strong no's given. The person took advantage of my trust (staying with him alone while out of town, significant age difference) to force the thing. I cried for so long afterwards... didn't know what the hell to do. I developed a condition called vaginisimus afterwards that has made penetrative sex impossibly painful.

Anyhow, communication is a lot different than trying to coerce someone into something they're not feeling. I mean, if you're trying to convince your friend to go to the movie, you'll maybe attempt to do so two or three times and then give up, and it's clear to you whether they're just doing it for you vs. doing it because they want to. But this "negotiation" went on for over an hour. For some reason people seem to tolerate a lot more shit when it comes to sex. Of course, there are reasons for this.

There's a huge amount of pressure for women in heterosexual relationships to "put out" or otherwise be viewed as prudes, cold, failing her role in the relationship, bad human being, etc. This leads to a lot of women agreeing to do sexual things they don't want to do, which I think is heartbreaking. This is deeply harmful, and these kinds of views contributed to the idea that marriage is a contract for sex and thus marital rape is not possible (on the books in many US states until the 1970s). I can't understand why someone would want to do something sexual with their partner without their enthusiastic consent... sex is something you do together, not something you do to women. It's very easy to identify a lack of enthusiasm, so just put the brakes on until you get that. Honestly, your sex life will be way better and your partner will be much happier.

I would consider that coercion. My current partner and I are both very experimental sexually, but if I'm uncomfortable with something (or vice-versa), it stops. That's how any healthy sexual relationship should work, and what he (she?) did to you borders on predation.

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It's definitely not your fault, and you're correct that the age difference can cause a huge power imbalance, and become coercive by its very nature.

I really hope that you can find a way to heal, because the emotional damage this could cause is awful. Sex should be something that both players enjoy, and not something that occurs with one person getting off at the expense of another.

4d: the vast majority of rapes are by someone you know personally, often someone close to you, not some rabdom kidnapping you off the street. Additionally, non-violent rapes are a matter of he-said-she-said, which can make them hard to prosecute for. And since we only have two verdicts in our criminal system, "guilty" and "not guilty", sometimes a lack of evidence will allow a guilty person to go free and destroy the victim's reputation. (In Scotland, e.g., they have an "insufficient evidence" verdict, which results in neither a guilty nor not guilty sentence.)

Yeah. I was raped in residence on my last day of staying there. He was a friend of a friend and we'd been at the same party. He couldn't get home and I said I had an extra bed since my roommate had already moved out.

He had his hand over my mouth the entire time and if I tried to scream he hit me. Nobody knew.

I went through hell over the summer because I thought I was pregnant. Ended up having to tell my mom, and she didn't believe that it was 'really' rape. That hurt, obviously.

I didn't report it because of two reasons. First, I'm scared nobody will believe me. I'm scared they'll say that just because I was drinking underage, I was asking for it. I'm terrified that they'll say inviting him into my room, even though I was just trying to help out and be a good person, was inviting him into my body. Second, I never want to run the risk of seeing him again. I've cut almost all ties with the friends that know him, I've stopped going to the place he works, and I stay out of the neighbourhood where he lives. If reporting my rape means I might have to see him again then I honestly couldn't do it.

I mean, in addition to that I'm crying even writing this down so I don't think I could actually bring up the courage to tell someone in a position of authority that it happened. There are also some more complicated feelings that I've worked through with my doctor but that's the main gist of why I never reported my rape.

Please report this. I feel terrible for you. If this piece of shit hurt you, he probably hurt other people before hand and other people since. Look what happened with Ghomeshi - he was attacking his dates for over a decade, and the behaviour didn't stop. This piece of shit who did this to you needs to be outed and shamed.

What reason do you have to disbelieve 5? She has literally nothing to gain from making this post. There is zero incentive for her to make this up. And you can't seriously be making an argument about how "unlikely" this is: sorry, but people are raped in this manner every day.

To the victim, there is no staue of limitiations on sexual assault. Police routinely arrest old men for 20 and 30 year old abuse cases. Who knows how many other people he has hurt. You must report it to the police, they will be very supportive. Don't protect your attacker. Be strong

Numbers-wise it's like an upside-down pyramid. Many many instances of fleeting unwanted attention near the wide top and fewer instances of violent/threatening/coercive/retaliatory/ abuse/penetration near the most severe nadir.

I've had unwanted attention here at work. Don't wan't it but I don't want to make waves. It's easier to just go along with it as it's mild but annoying. I don't want it to wreck my work relationships and get pushed out.

8, literally fuck off men get raped all the time. Women can also be rapists, and statistically men are EVEN LESS LIKELY to report sexual assault and rape because of fear of being laughed at from people like you. Back the fuck off with your double standard speech, because you're the one enforcing that standard.

8b the majority of men who are raped are raped by other men. And yes, they are less likely. I hope you are aware that it is patriarchy that says that a women raping a man is fantasy? No feminist would ever say that it is a fantasy for a man to get raped by a women. Patriarchy sets these rules and roles for men and women in society. Men DO get raped, but I hope you are educated to know that these incidents occur most often by other men. Although, I am not claiming it never occurs at the hand of the women.

8c). BINGO. I just love when people try to turn it around and say men get raped too, like that invalidates the thousands of women who are raped each year. No one is saying that it's not horrible when a man gets raped (it absolutely is), but at least be honest and tell the rest of those statistics. It's most likely still a man who was the aggressor.

8c and 8d I think you misunderstood my comment. I'm a female rape victim myself so in no way am I invalidating female victims (note that I said men get raped, not ~men get raped too~). I'm also very much aware that the patriarchy enforces the idea that men ought to fantasize about being raped by a woman, that's exactly what I was trying to say. The things you two are trying to say are exactly what I was trying to communicate in my original comment. Thanks for jumping down my throat though, as a victim I love being spoken over! (y)

You are clearly very defensive 8e. I didn't jump down your throat. I said "I Hope" you are educated to know this and "I hope" you are aware. I chose my words for the purpose of not assuming you didn't know. But I still wanted to make my point since you didn't make it obvious. But I am glad that you know are aware of these things. But don't put words in my mouth. I didn't make any assumptions.

I was young when it happened and I didn't tell anyone, still haven't. I'm sort of glad I didn't. It was a family friend and our families are still friends. I still see him quite often too. It would have torn our families apart. Even if I reported it, it wouldn't have mattered. The chances of him getting convicted are low and I would have had to go on stand and say what had happened to a room full of strangers. Instead I told nobody and eventually it stopped.

I was in a relationship for a few months with someone. I completely trusted him, we met each others' families, we were known as a couple publicly, expressed feelings for each other etc. In our common social group he was known as a very kind and compassionate person. We physically had gone relatively slow by today's standards. We were making out and happy to move further so we had a very clear conversation about it, he said he was ready to have sex, I stated I was excited to be with him and to fool around but wasn't ready for actual penetration yet. I talked about how significant sex was for me and how strongly I am emotionally impacted by consummating a relationship (we had already talked about this when we first started dating and I repeated it here). I was absolutely clear about my boundaries, he agreed and stated he understood and respected that. We continued on with undressing and were enjoying each other until at one point he was on top of me and without warning moved and penetrated me twice, I was shocked and I didn't know what to say/do. He stopped, apologized and said he "got carried away". I felt horrible and conflicted because I felt incredibly violated but he was my boyfriend.

Thinking about it still makes me feel ill and this happened two years ago. I have never told anyone that this happened except for here right now.

Poor guy. Deep down, we're just animals. Having sex is one of our strongest instincts and it IS hard to resist when you're making out with a girl naked. I hope you didn't leave your boyfriend over this, he is most likely a good guy who really got carried away.

^ holy shit, stop with the rape apologia. Men are NOT "just animals" that get "carried away" by their sex drives. They are human beings with self-control and a sense of morality, boundaries, and ability to stop when causing harm to others, and believing anything otherwise is not giving them very much credit. If I don't seem into something sexual, I've never had a partner that just drove on anyways, they always stop and make sure I'm okay and that we're still good to go.

I can't believe you'd come on here to sympathize with the perpetrator over the victim, and tell her you hope she didn't dump him. You can fuck RIGHT off.

@12b: Actually, yes, human beings are just animals. Everything else is a social construct. And yes, men do get carried away by their sex drives. If you've ever had good sex before you would know that you are not always in control. Sometimes you "let go" and your body acts without you. I am not blaming the "victim" for anything. I'm just saying these things happen and it's not anyone's fault.

Also I'm not saying rape doesn't exist. If he had pointed a gun at her or hit her, I would be the first one to blame him. But in this case they were both naked, making out and finger each other. The guy apologized afterwards and I'm sure he felt terrible. It happens. You need to talk to him, forgive him and move on.

> you are not always in control. Sometimes you "let go" and your body acts without you.

Fucking bullshit.

> these things happen and it's not anyone's fault.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Rape is the rapist's fault.

> If he had pointed a gun at her or hit her, I would be the first one to blame him. But in this case they were both naked

Rape is any sex in which you do not have the other person's consent. You do not need a gun or have to be a stranger for it to be rape. I felt sick just reading this, these kinds of justifications are why women are raped every day and lead to victim-blaming by people who figure it's not because they didn't use a gun or something.

@12d. Somtimes you give consent, sometimes you don't. Sometimes it is implicit. Sometimes you don't give consent and you rationalize. Sometimes you do give consent but you're too ashamed to admit it. Sometimes there is physical coercion. Sometimes there is psychological pressure. Sometimes you have mixed feelings. Sometimes you're acting on impulses or you give signals that you're not even aware of. Sometimes bad things "happen", as 2c puts it.

This isn't a black and white situation. Boyfriend and girlfriend fooling around naked and the dick slides in.... it's one of those grey areas imo. Always making it a rapist vs victim situation is very convenient but doesn't really solve any problem.

12 f: I might have agreed with you in the girl in her story explivcitly told her boyfriend she didn't want him to penetrate her. This is explicit. I don't see any grey area in her story? I am not calling him a bad guy. I am saying that he did something that made her feel uncomfortable that she asked him twice not to do. No boyfriend of mine has ever accidentally had sex with me in the heat of the moment. They try but if I don't want to, they stop immediately. This is not that hard to do. Go stick it in a glove and rub it out if you can't keep it from going in the wrong place.

12f: you seem to be falling into the fallacy of "rapist = scum of the earth", therefore good guys can't be rapists.

It turns out that people you may think are otherwise good can commit horrible crimes like rape. You need to deal with that cognitive dissonance instead of trying to rewrite reality to accommodate your biases. Reading your pathetic excuses for non-consentual sexual activity make me really sick as a survivor of sexual assault. It is a myth that "men just get into it and can't stop." It is untrue. If you have ever felt this way, you are making excuses for violating someone. Feel uncomfortable about that, accept that you are wrong, and stop defending rapists instead of trying to invent some idea of "real rape" that fits with your personal biases and makes you feel less uncomfortable.

@12h and you seem to be falling into the fallacy of "I enjoy being the victim because it proves that I'm a good person and I get attention". Oh that's not right? I thought we were playing armchair psychologists. It is a myth that men get carried away by their sexual urges? How would you know? Maybe you are the one trying to accomodate reality to your biases.

To all the people who are sharing their stories here: thank you. You are all wonderfully brave souls, and what happened to you was horrific and - I cannot state this emphatically enough - NOT your fault. I hope you find a way to get inner peace and work through the issues the incident(s) must have no doubt caused.

I was assaulted multiple times by the same person when I was younger (nine years old). I did not tell anyone about it until I was 18. I then told my girlfriend at the time, as well as my best friend. They both believed me, and were very supportive. My mother also learned of it (I hadn't told her myself, but she found an account of it that I had written therapeutically) a bit later, and she believed me as well, even if she didn't understand the resulting issues I had from it.

I am a male in my early twenties. I never made an official report. I was fortunate enough to have counselling in university, and a support system, both of which helped me a lot. I can now talk about it without starting to shake with rage, or without forgetting to breathe as I recall it.

Please, please believe me when I say that you will heal. It will take a lot of time, and you will have to overcome seemingly insurmountable issues, but you will do it. You can do it.

@13a/5, 13 here. You are amazing for sharing yours; I cannot imagine the courage it must have taken to write that out. I hope that doing so gave you some tiny measure of peace, knowing that other people know now, and that we don't blame you in the slightest.

Believe me, I completely understand what you mean when you say you will go to any measures, including not making an official report, to avoid seeing that person again. Had I had that choice at the time, I would have done exactly what you did to avoid seeing my assailant again too.

It took you a lot of strength to share your story, and I know you have the strength to not let it define the rest of your life. You are not alone in this, and you will get better. You will take back the control fully one day, if you haven't already. Stay strong my friend. :)

On the other side of the story here. I was falsely accused of rape (I am a guy).We were in a new relationship, went to the club, both got pretty drunk, I was more drunk than her. She came onto me, and I wasn't going to stop her. Woke up in the morning with all my roommates being told I had raped her. They said they laughed in her face, because we had really thin walls, and could hear everything (I didn't know that). She didn't go to the cops, but I talked to my lawyer and he said I had absolutely nothing to worry about and if anyone was guilty of rape, it would be her since I was more drunk, and there were witnesses who could hear that she initiated it.

False rape accusations are about the same rates as other crimes, and the justice system deals with it accordingly. Feeling compelled to bring up stories like this (which are not exactly difficult to share: I was accused of a crime I didn't do, no one went to the police and no one believed them isn't exactly a brave confession) is at the expense of women and men trying to share their stories of unreported assault, so at minimum you're lacking in empathy.

For what it's worth, the only person in my circle of acquaintances who claims to have been "falsely" accused of rape figures that lack of no = yes. Having talked to the victim... ugh. It's disturbing, but yes, men and women can commit rape without even realizing they've done so, and staunchly trying to absolve themselves of the crime isn't very helpful.

15. a. I really wish I understood anything you wrote. That was the most grammatically confusing reply I have ever seen. Which is sad because you seem to have a lot of passion about whatever the hell you're trying to say.

Not sure what was confusing about 15a's response. What I got out of it, for the confused people (my background probably helps):

- saying you didn't feel like stopping someone from having drunk sex with you is bad. Drunk sex is not enjoyable. It is difficult to understand why the poster would have engaged in this activity, for little benefit and lots of possible negative outcomes.

- False rape accusations are as common as false reports of other crimes. Suspect OP was frustrated with the poster for bringing this up because you never see people come out of the cracks to play devil's advocate for e.g. false bike theft

- It is not brave to tell a story of a false rape accusation that had little credibility and ended in no damage to career or reputation on a thread where survivors are telling their stories. For those who are brave enough to share these stories (and face a lot of negative repercussions for it potentially), it appears to serve as a foil for them (e.g. trying to present another side, which OP seems to think is inappropriate). This is hugely lacking in empathy for the bravery it requires to tell a story of how one was violated and disbelieved for it.

- 15a knows one person who claimed to be falsely accused of rape, but upon speaking with the victim doesn't believe the accusation was false. Many individuals think lack of explicit verbal no = yes, despite other reluctance. That doesn't make it "not rape" and therefore a false accusation

16b. why? patriarchy is not a "buzz word", it's the social structure of our species. Are you also rolling your eyes everytime you hear the word government or community or bureaucracy anything else that describes how society functions?

I have never been raped but was sexually assaulted by a classmate multiple times in high school.I was in a upper year tech class and the only girl.

He would stick his hand down his pants and touch himself - making sure I saw, then would walk over to me at rub his hand in my face. He would also verbally assault me with things like "slut, whore, cock sucker".

The teacher had no clue because he often left the room and we worked in cubical s so he could easily slip into mine without the teacher noticing.

The weird thing is, I had nothing to do with him. I didn't run in his social circle, I did nothing to him. I was simply the target because I was the only girl.

And the few male friends I had in that class did nothing, despite seeing it. But I don't really blame them. They were kinda nerdy and he was a jock and intimidating. We were the losers and supported each other in silence.

Looking back (late 20s now), I probably should have said something. The teacher was a good guy and I am sure he would have acted on the knowledge. But it never really occurred to me to say anything (I had bigger problems in my life at that point and life was pretty messed up). Instead, I just skipped class a lot. I ended up barely being there by the end of the term and somehow passed with an 80 despite failing the tests. I think the teacher felt bad for me.

Anyway. I really hope people reading this don't follow my example. If someone is harming you (physically, emotional, etc), say something. You deserve all the love and respect in the world, and don't let anyone take that from you.

I want to provide a different perspective, that is very hard for me to share as I know many will disagree with me.

My dad is on the sex offenders registry, and I love him dearly.When I was in my early teens he was charged with indecent exposure for showing himself in department stores. While he did not directly assault anyone, he definitely caused people to look at him in a way they did not want.

He lost his job, he was charged, we lost our internet, it went in the paper, we had regular 'check in' visits from cops. All my teachers knew, my principle knew, my classmates knew. I had to be interviewed by child services. I was devastated and thought my life was over. My dad has always worked hard, been so kind and always made sure my sister and I felt loved. He never yelled, he never used physical punishment. He never touched us, he never hurt us. He was (and is) my hero, like most little girls dads are.

BUT, I am glad it happened. Given his clean past he avoided jail time, but placed on probation and the registry for life. He is living with the consequences. He had court ordered therapy. And I am happy. If it weren't for someone speaking up, he never would have gotten help for the growing delusions in his head - delusions he was creating to cope with his misery at work.

Not only did the person stepping up stop his negative behaviour in that moment, they also saved my dad from continuing down a dark path.

It has been over 10 years now, and life is great. You can tell he is truly happy - unlike when we were kids and he was just working to support us and drowning in his misery. He was able to overcome his demons and get over his sexual illness.

So if you have been affected by someone else's sexual mental illness or power delusions, say something. In addition to stopping the suffering they are inflicting on you, you can also prevent future suffering of others and maybe cause that person to get the help they need for long term recovery and rehabilitation into society.

I don't know why you think this story would be negatively received. I think this is beautiful I think people need someone to blame all the time. If you want to blame anyone for sexual assault, blame society and blame our social structure. Blame "the (figurative) man"!! Don't blame the victim, and don't hate the rapist.

Yes, a rapist should be held accountable as someone who committed a crime. However, as someone who is interested in psychology, I like to delve into the minds of those who commit these actions and ask why. When in their life were they educated into thinking that it was ok to exert power over somebody else, or to get off on women being submissive.

Some men commit sexual assault knowingly, and some commit sexual assault unknowingly because they are not educated about the nature of rape in the way that women are today. So, I can never hate the man who rapes unknowingly. I want him to get help and face rehabilitation and education.

We need to love each other, even criminals, to help each other overcome the our lack of awareness of one another. We need to help each other learn and grow. We need to not be afraid to speak up when something isn't right.

Your dads case is very different from rape. It is nothing close to rape. I don't know the gravity of what your dad did that he had to be put on the sex offenders list, but he obviously broke some laws. As far as he is okay now is all that matters

(Male here) First, so sorry to all of you sharing stories here.Second, all I could think of reading these stories was do none of you sharing have a strong male in your life? If one of my female family members or friends told me they were raped, I would find the guy, crack him in the head with a bat, throw him in my trunk, drive him out to a wooded area and bury him deep within the earth. And I'm not being figurative here, this is honestly what I would do and I would sleep like a baby at that. Am I wrong?

I would agree with you if I didn't know people that commit these acts have issues that are handed down from previous generations. While this doesn't excuse their behaviour, and my visceral instinct is to agree with you, I am better than these miscreants and will not stoop to their level. Outing them publicly as criminals, getting them charged with a record and letting them live out a long, painful life of consequence and notoriety will be the best & legally sound way of revenge for me. They will also get the help they probably need.

If I were raped, my brother would have a similar response as you. Which is why I probably wouldn't tell him. He can get pretty emotional and explosive. I wouldn't want to have to worry about his reaction and the trouble he would get in on top of worrying about the rape and repercussions of that.

If anyone hurt a family member (and I was 100% sure it was them) they would not be alive for long. ISIS better be scared if they attack Canada, because if they hurt my family, I will go Rambo on their ass.

If you want to blame anyone for sexual assault, blame society and blame our social structure. Blame "the (figurative) man"!! Don't blame the victim, and don't hate the rapist.

Yes, a rapist should be held accountable as someone who committed a crime. However, as someone who is interested in psychology, I like to delve into the minds of those who commit these actions and ask why. When in their life were they educated into thinking that it was ok to exert power over somebody else, or to get off on women being submissive.

Some men commit sexual assault knowingly, and some commit sexual assault unknowingly because they are not educated about the nature of rape in the way that women are today. So, I can never hate the man who rapes unknowingly. I want him to get help and face rehabilitation and education.

We need to love each other, even criminals, to help each other overcome the our lack of awareness of one another. We need to help each other learn and grow. We need to not be afraid to speak up when something isn't right.

YES WE'RE SPEAKING UP WHEN SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT BY BLAMING THE RAPIST!

You're talking about holding society accountable? So we should start blaming society for theft, murders, vandalism, child abuse, human trafficking and any other crime. What type of society do you belong to? Everyone should be responsible for their actions. Nothing you said made sense.

That's not your decision to make, 20. It's the victim and the victim alone's choice.

It's all fine and dandy to want to hypothetically sympathize with someone unknowingly committing rape, but that doesn't erase or reverse the harm done. Rape can ruin sex for the rest of your life, can result in severe psychological issues including deep depression, anxiety, self-harm, or suicide.

It is a nice hypothetical to entertain this view of the unwitting rapist. It is extremely disrespectful of the person who was actually hurt. I cannot see how the burden of having committed an unintentional rape could possibly outweigh that of being raped. Intent doesn't matter when harm is caused.

You are all missing my point. People want to start a lynch mob. Who is there for people who need rehabilitation? Somebody needs to be. I hate mob mentality. I do not judge the victim and nothing in my post said that I do. The victim is entitles to be angry.

For everything you guys have listed, they are socetal problems. Theft, murder, child abuse whatever. These crimes stem from either psychological issues or the socetal issues (class would be a big figure that contributes to crime). Why does this not make sense? Why is it ok to say that people need to look out for criminals too? They are all human beings.. Why is everyone so ready to hate everyone and hang everyone for their crimes?

20.c; Why is it disrespectful for me to the victim to not HATE their rapist? That doesn't mean I am not on the side of the victim. By the way, just because I am saying the man might be unknowing of the crime, it doesn't absolve them of the crime. I am not talking about laws here. I still want people to face due process. I am talking about HATE and ANGER. I am saying I can never HATE someone who unknowingly or due to ignorance did something bad. This is has nothing to do with them not facing their crimes. So what exactly is your problem with what I said? I am asking this not maliciously but I am seriously wondering.

SCENARIO 1A to B: I don't want to have sex with youB to A: I want to have sex with you (B usually doesn't say this and proceeds to next step)*In B's head*: I must have sex with A--> B then performs sexual activities on A even though A already made their point EXTREMELY CLEAR

SCENARIO 2- B sights A*In B's head*: I must perform sexual activities on A--> B then performs sexual activities on A without giving A a chance to decide whether or not A wants it

SCENARIO 3- A and B are flirting with each other- B gets turned on--> B performs sexual activities on A even though A doesn't want it and was casually flirting

SCENARIO 4-A is wearing "revealing" clothes or nothing at all because A can do whatever the fuck A wants to do with their body-B doesn't mind its business and gets turned on--> B performs sexual activities on A even though A wasn't asking for it and say "I want to have sex with you"

@20g, they can feel however the hell they want, but it would be better FOR THEM if they forgive and move on. Negative emotions won't do good to anyone. Furthermore, the justice system shouldn't be about getting revenge, but reeducating/rehabilitating the criminal so that we can all live in a better society. The victim's hatred shouldn't play any role in the justice system.

20g: "better for them" sounds incredibly paternalistic. That's not your call to make and I doubt you are qualified to make it anyhow. People commit suicide all the time having been raped. It is an incredibly harmful crime. You seem to be downplaying that and portraying victims as individuals with an irrational hatred that factors in. I don't think their response is irrational at all. Society is harmed by not taking care of the victims of crimes first. That's not to say it shouldn't take care of the perpetrators of crime, but their welfare should be secondary. The situation has been caused by them causing harm.

20e, c here. I think you have misread my response. I said it is disrespectful for anyone to tell the victim how to feel about a crime. Survivors have the right to feel however they like: hatred, forgiveness, etc. No one has the right to judge them for how they feel; rape is a horrible crime and healing is a personal thing.

@20h, It is best for anyone to not get caught up in negative emotions. How is saying that disrespectful?!If you feel hatred, anger, vindictiveness, shame, etc. YOU need to deal with that. It is terrible that you were raped and it is certainly not your fault. However, the way you feel about it is entirely up to you. Bad things happen to everyone, whether it's rape, road accidents or leukaemia.

You are all missing my point. People want to start a lynch mob. Who is there for people who need rehabilitation? Somebody needs to be. I hate mob mentality. I do not judge the victim and nothing in my post said that I do. The victim is entitles to be angry.

For everything you guys have listed, they are socetal problems. Theft, murder, child abuse whatever. These crimes stem from either psychological issues or the socetal issues (class would be a big figure that contributes to crime). Why does this not make sense? Why is it ok to say that people need to look out for criminals too? They are all human beings.. Why is everyone so ready to hate everyone and hang everyone for their crimes?

Because the person who was violated is also a human being, and in the evaluation of a crime committed against them, their welfare should be the primary concern, not the perpetrator's.

I mean, we don't freak out about muggers going to jail or getting their due, despite the fact that material crime is likely more symptomatic of life circumstances as opposed to an abuse of a power dynamic. I'd like to talk more about why that is but I suspect it would fall upon deaf ears.

I am not targeting any story here, just stuff I have heard on tv and news.

If two people get really drunk, and have consensual sex, but they would not have if they were sober, it seems like the guy always is accused of rape because he took advantage of a drunk girl. Would this actually be rape or just a bad mutual decision? I always see the news reports and the public attacking the guy for taking advantage when they were both consenting, and no one forced the other into it. I would get it if the guy was pushing alcohol to her, trying to make her drunk for the purpose of having sex with her. But it seems that once alcohol is involved, the guy automatically raped her, end of story.

Anyone else notice this? This is by far my number one reason for avoiding drunk hook-ups like the plague.

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