Campus Juniors Getting Head Start on This Semester’s Nervous Breakdown

With the fall semester still in its opening weeks, a number of school-savvy upperclassmen are already making preparations for this semester’s stress-induced total loss of control, whose arrival in the coming months is reportedly all but inevitable.

From overburdened pre-meds to under- skilled pre-laws, many of these proactive, emotionally volatile students are gearing up for what’s really not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when.’ Sources report that, come mid-November, these students may just find themselves half-naked atop the Michigan League fountain, attempting to ride Father Triton out of stress and disquietude and into the enduring calm of some great, black expanse of sky.

When pressed for comment, a representative from CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) announced that, to accommodate this semester’s ticking mind-bombs, they will now be accepting appointments for crisis counseling up to two months in advance.

Though this sort of catastrophe-readiness planning seems to be the norm, several interviewed students reported favoring a slightly different—and highly complicated— catastrophe-avoidance strategy, which included such novel tactics as “staying a day or two ahead on the reading” and “starting essays a few weeks before they’re due” to leave time for editing, revising, and even instructor feedback.

At press time, students in this latter camp had imperceptibly begun the slow, steady decline into madness.