Gimme Five: Vampire flicks that suck so good

Critics LOVE to make fun of the Twilight Saga and the YA books that inspired them, sinking their ever-sharpened fangs into every morsel of not-quite-fleshed-out dialogue and K. Stew hair toss. But since I am someone who gets their most satisfying sustenance from flicks of the Terribly Awesome variety, I drink them up like Daniel Day Lewis on a strawberry shake. Cause, as history has proven, vampire movies are at their best when they kinda, sorta, totally bite. Especially if they don’t know they do. (Sorry, Bella.)

To celebrate the release of the last instalment in the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn – Part 2, let’s chew on a handful of other creature of the night features that suck so good.

5) DRACULA, DEAD AND LOVING IT!

Leslie Nielsen as the most infamous fanger in the world? What could be more so wrong it’s right?! How about a script by Mel Brooks, who also plays Dr. Abraham Van Helsing?

4) ONCE BITTEN

A super young Jim Carrey tries to get his cougar on with Lauren Hutton. Little does the pale virgin know that this particular older lady on the prowl has an undying taste for flesh. And not in the sexy sense!

I saw this one during my Jim Carrey phase (The Mask was smokin’ in my 5-year-old mind) and was immediately enamored with the super 80s 3-Speedtheme song and Halloween dance-off sequence.

3) VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

Wes Craven directs Eddie Murphy as Caribbean vamp Maxmillion (and his disguises, Guido and Preacher Pauley) in this ought-to-be-straight-to-DVD horror comedy. What’s more, Eddie Murphy co-wrote the batty script and dons the most ill-fitting wig of the last several centuries.

2) BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

Even fans of the much darker Buffy TV series will want to take stake in the 1992 flick that inspired seven seasons of Scoobies, spookies and smoochies.

Yes, Joss Whedon’s script was mucho doctored by the producers to have a lighter, 90210 crowd-approved feel, and there’s that whole lady cramps = vamp slayer Spidey sense plot. But there’s also Pee Wee Herman lurking on a carousel whilst wearing a pedophile wig, an undead and chain earring-rocking David Arquette, a valley girly Hilary Swank and Luke Perry (we’re all still saving ourselves for Dylan, right?). Think Clueless, with fangs. Or, I guess, Vamps with slayers.

1) FROM DUSK ‘TIL DAWN

I could legitimately go on about this one from dusk ’til dawn. (And I did once.)

Quentin Tarantino plays George Clooney’s way perverse bro-turned vamp in this self-penned, Robert Rodriguez-directed classic. Also, all the (v)amped up ass-kicking occurs at a bar called the Titty Twister and includes such highly original implements as condoms filled with holy water and dudes with penis guns named Sex Machine. Oh, and the Cloonz has a fired up neck tattoo!

Emily is one of the founding members of Cinefilles, a former TV Guide Canada writer and editor and an admitted heroine--note the added e, please--addict. When she's not slaying you with her rhetorical devices, she's probably watching a Late Night Comedy, Teen Horror, or Because You Watched Good Burger on Netflix. Twitter: @emilygagne.