And I have known the eyes already, known them all--The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,Then how should I beginTo spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?

ugghhghghghg i'm getting sick. i can feel it. i couldn't sleep last night; not in the normal way when i'm talking to someone or i'm watching a movie or something -- i just lay in my bed and thought about how awful i felt.

then when i finally got to sleep i had a sex dream about paris hilton. it was was pretty lifeless & boring (duh).

anyways, i'm real sad & emotional lately! i'm a mess, did you know that? it's like harvey pekar says, "the more i thought, the more i felt like crying. life seemed so sweet and so sad, and so hard to let go of in the end. but hey, man, every day is a brand new deal, right? just keep on working and something's bound to turn up."

1) i totally have a crush on the greek (?) manboy that works at the pita place. he just has such a suave demeanor about him, even as he's refilling the shredded lettuce container, dressed in his red eat-a-pita uniform. for my part, i laugh awkwardly and mumble my order under the scrutiny of his slightly arched eyebrow. sigh.

2) friday nite was seventh heaven at white orchid. "funniest night ever" according to carlyanne. i feel like there were a lot of SECRETS & WHISPERS. except not really. but kind of. i tried to play catch up wayyyy too quickly and got wayyyy too drunk but i was lovin' the dancefloor and the cute people workin' it. how often do you get to hear space disco in toronto? yeah, that's right.

anyways, the night culminated in me playing solo JENGA and looking for hood ornaments on ebay, so yeah. fun fun.

3) i've started amassing a wee collection of vintage charm bracelets:

valentine's day present; sterling silver chain w. heartsparis souvenir braceletheart locket charms w. old photosfrom some rich old broad's estate sale; all sterling, from all over the world

i'm also considering an opening in a chicken slaughterhouse. on the one hand, i cry if i see a hurt animal; but then again, i could casually drop that i'm an eviscerator at cocktail parties.

who says hamilton isn't a land of opportunity !

truth be told, i'm not very motivated to find work since i'm moving in a few months anyway. in desperation, i've basically tried to bribe myself into getting a job with the promise of a special gift from myself, to myself.

i made a belated new year's resolution yesterday to read 100 books in 2007. so far i think i've only read laughable loves (milan kundera), les enfants terrible (jean cocteau) and wuthering heights (duh), so i gotta get crack-a-lackin' (... also, i think i need to brush up on my ebonics because i'm pretty sure that doesn't mean what i think it does). i don't think i'll actually read that many books this year, but i do love to indulge my obsession with list-making, so here goes:

reading list:

- finish cosmicomics by italo calvino

- conversations with professor y by celine

- decline and fall by evelyn waugh

- candide by voltaire

- gravity's rainbow by thomas pynchon

- the invisible man by ralph ellison

- suggestions ???

i just want to be really, really well-read, because at the end of the day all i really am is an insufferable know-it-all.

a) a few days ago, while feeding fallow deer in gore park, an old man approached me & the twelve-year-old girl i had befriended, introduced himself as charlie, then asked me "are you her mother?" "no," i replied, after which he proceeded to ask if i was "old enough to go out for a drink?" charming, really.

b) a native man, bordering on his early forties, cornered me in a bus shelter and told me his story of how he had just flown in from vancouver, first class (and with champagne, even!), and was going into his fourth year at mcmaster for psychology. he was a sneaky one, thinking i wouldn't notice the overwhelming stench of cheap rum or the fact that he hadn't showered for weeks!

c) a man came running after me and exclaimed, "wait, miss, where are you from?" "...canada?" i replied hesitantly, "oh, you see, i thought you were european." then sven (his name probably wasn't sven but it was something very russian nonetheless) kissed my hand and told me i had "aristocratic hands, those long fingers and slender wrists." and even though i suspected he really just wanted to take me down a back alley and give it to me bolshevik style, it was quite charming. then i ran away.