Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Potential Dignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Parking Lots

A popular local non-cycling publication called The New York Timesis reporting that the 34th Street Partnership is attempting to create a bike parking lot in midtown Manhattan, which they want to make “the premier bike parking facility in the country.” (Of course, I didn’t know about the article until it was read to me by the Canadian anchorman on NY1. If you don’t have cable or don’t live in New York City, every morning a Canadian reads the newspaper out loud to us on TV, complete with accent. Seriously.) Such a lot already exists in Chicago, which would make this concept that city's second-greatest cultural export after Pizzeria Uno. Proponents of the lot cite the fact that secure bicycle parking will encourage more people to commute by bike. While that would be nice, I think that’s short-sighted. In fact, the long-term benefits for cycling are almost immeasurable. Here are just a few:

Fantastic Sponsorship Opportunity

According to the article, all they need to make this parking lot a reality is “a corporation willing to pay as much as $200,000 a year to sponsor the idea.” Big American bike companies easily spend that much putting their misshapen lumps of plastic under the lycra-clad posteriors of professional European cyclists with penchants for house music and ungodly faux-hawks. Certainly at least one of these companies might consider instead using that money to sponsor a parking garage, which would in turn help them put their cheaper misshapen lumps of Taiwanese aluminum under the Docker-clad posteriors of America’s commuters.

New Subculture Potential

Let’s face it—the messenger subculture is largely responsible for many of the trendiest aspects of urban cycling today, and it has dictated the bike choice, bag choice, clothing choice, and lock choice of an entire generation of riders. But with the Apocalypse looming and the whole thing getting a little tired, it’s inevitable that a new subculture will arise to supplant it. But what will that be? Frankly, I’m not sure that subculture exists--yet. Tall bikes, tandems, and recumbents are all too unwieldy, and it’s very difficult to picture the forces of gentrification emulating food delivery people. (Unless thermal food containers become the new messenger bag.) However, if these parking garages employ bike valets, this could give birth to a new segment of the service industry that is ripe for appropriation. Bike valets will be fleet of foot as well as swift on the bike, and their wardrobe will be just the right combination of functional, durable, and irreverent. Furthermore, just as alleycats are designed to replicate the working conditions of the messenger, "valetcats" (in which participants are handed tickets and must quickly find and return with a bike) will evoke all the excitement, risk and glamor of working in a bicycle parking garage. Indeed, handlebar tags are sure to become the new spoke card.

Life Imitating Art

Another upside of having valets is the potential for reenactment of the garage scene from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” only with bicycles. Just imagine the potential for comedy when a truant teenager must reluctantly hand over his father’s vintage De Rosa to a salivating attendant. He’ll be pedaling frantically on the rollers later that day with the front wheel on backwards, wondering why the excess mileage isn’t coming off the handlebar-mounted computer.

Art Imitating Life Imitating Art

We’ve all been waiting for it, and now it can finally happen. That’s right: “Quicksilver II.” Having regained his fortune, Kevin Bacon (with the help of Paul Rodriguez and Jamie Gertz) opens a chain of bicycle parking garages. However, a cadre of drug smugglers is using the oversized downtubes and bottom bracket shells of today’s carbon fiber and aluminum bikes to move vast quantities of heroin and cocaine through the city, and they’re attempting to wrest the garage chain away from our protagonists as it is vital to their operation. You’ll thrill to high-speed bike chase after high-speed bike chase, and you’ll cry as Tiny (Louie Anderson) is shot to death in a gruesome ride-by shooting, but in the end you can count on Bacon and his pals to triumph.

Elevation of Cycling Culture in General

A number of people have pointed out that fixed-gear freestyling has a lot in common with artistic cycling. (Slightly fewer people have pointed out that it also has some things in common with autistic cycling.) In fact, most bar-spinning, stem-humping, leg-over-the-bars-like-an-elephant-trunk tricksters are essentially bicycling Barishnykovs and are little more than a sequined tutu away (if that) from being bike ballerinas. Certainly then we’re at most a decade away from fully choreographed displays of artistic cycling at Lincoln Center, and we can look forward to a time when the cultural elite of this city leave their rides with the bike valet so they can go and enjoy the bike ballet.

I love that all those hipsters who think it's cool to do tricks on fixed-gear freestylers are completely shown up by a bunch of homely german women. Those artistic cyclists do MUCH cooler tricks than I've ever seen a hipster do.

A bike garage in Manhattan? Please. It'll be $18 for the first hour, and if your bike gets parked in behind a couple recumbents, it'll be stuck there over the weekend. Not to mention all the gum on the floor, getting your bike keyed, and that hideous smell in the corners. Unlike regular garages in NY, it won't stink of hobo urine, rat and pigeon dung, but of Cytomax, VO2 interval sweat, and Paoli Bettini's leg shavin's.

From this moment forward, if you are going to post spoilers in your blog, tell us in advance! I have been waiting for 22 years for Quicksilver II and now you have blown it for all of us! I don't pay $39.99 per month for broadband so I can be kicked in the nuts by your thoughtless, elitist, in-the-know chatter regarding what is certainly "the most eagerly anticipated sequel ever to grace the silver screen" (Roger Ebert).

And, Sir, now that I have seen Bach on Bicycle, or whatever that abomination was, I am going to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy two grapefruit spoons to use on my own eyeballs. That was as bad as reading ...one...of...bikesgonewild...posts..maybe...even...dare...I...say...worse...???

A bike garage on 34th street doesn't help the 95% of NYC commuters who don't work within 4-5 blocks of it. How about funding locking bike storage boxes in existing garages all over the city? You can park 20 bikes in the space of one car. If that car would pay 20 bucks a day for the spot, charge the bikes $2, and you come out ahead. I'd pay $2 a day to safely park my bike in a fully enclosed locker in a garage with an attendant. Beats $4 a day to take the subway.

Better yet, use the power of government to make every garage in the city offer free bike storage lockers...

So the lot is just going to have bike racks? Really? I've never biked in NYC but I have to imagine it's similar to biking in Cleveland except the rude morons pay more for rent and feel the world owes them more.

From the stories I've read about bike theft in NYC I'd think they would use something like Bike Guard Lockers instead. I know if I was paying to park my bike I'd prefer it to be a little more secure and maybe out of the elements.

I garage park my car at work so that I don't have to clear snow from it, I'd prefer to not have a wet saddle when I retrieve my bike from the lot.

I am still trying to comprehend why someone would want to listen to a commentator, even one with the dulcet mid-Atlantic tones of a Canadian, read a newspaper aloud. Does he read the cartoons out too? "Now Nancy says, now Sluggo says..." New York: what an amazing place. I thought that the restaurant that sells nothing but rice pudding there was the ultimate, but apparently not.

On the subject of bike parking lots, I have gone to the one in Chicago which is right in Millenium Park. It has parking, showers, a mechanic, bike rentals--where I borrowed a yellow bicycle made by the Great Trek Bicycle Building Corporation--and even a hip cafe where you can sit outdoors and enjoy your espresso as the delicate crema is blown off by the wind from Lake Michigan. America needs more of these so good luck New York!

34th St. is just one location, but it's certainly in the Central Business District. I often take business trips on Amtrak. I like to bike down to Penn Station but there's not a single bike rack along the entire perimeter of the station. So this facility would fulfill a need of mine, perhaps of others.

But I don't see the single-speed/fixie apocalypse as imminent. In fact, it seems to be just catching on over on Park Avenue:

Yes it's true, there is a ridiculous rice pudding parlor on Spring St in Manhattan and anyone who frequents it is either a country fried rube who can't believe there's a place that only sells rice pudding, or has serious food issues and should seek a 12 Step program for fat people (I believe it's called OA)...but on a positive note Rice to Riches is almost certainly money laundering front for Chinese mafia.

Of course the sad part is that Spring and Mulberry is historically the territory of the Italian mafia, but they , like everyone else in lower Manhattan have been forced out by douche bags from Connecticut with pleated khaki's and reflective velcro ankle restraints to protect their "work pants" while they ride to the new 34th St bicycle parking lot on their dedicated commuter bikes.

What would a job interview for a Bike Valet be like, is it "experience a plus or not necessary" will train deals. Can I list my bikes on my resume?Union, benefits, drug testing, I need more info before I quit my job, thanks for the lead.

Polygraf, if there is drug testing required does that mean you have to have done drugs to get the bike parking job?

In Japan I understand that the parking in those huge lots is all automated so maybe a job putting the bikes in or taking them out is not all that it is cracked up to be. Unless you can purloin a plaid top tube cover!

Anon 2:01 - I'm only interested if it also includes frequent and regular rides by the valet at or above 30 MPH so when I have "average speed" displayed on my computer it looks like I actually belong on a $10k frame.

Hey, It New Yorkers, it's a fashion accessory, they don't actually want to ride it with you two-wheeled trolls. They just want to brag about their Louis Vuitton bar tape.

...openyoureyes (if you still have them)...i hope you have those grapefruit spoons handy cuz that 'bach on bicycle' ballet you so cherished, reminded me of my pre-ride stretching routine...'course my tutu is black & studded, not pink, cuz i'm nasty that way...

Valetcats - In which participants are handed tickets and must quickly find and return with a bike!

Oh man, I am picturing little hipsters running around trying to find the right bike and then crashing into each other trying to un-park 5 bikes the fastest! Of course, there will be one hipster following them around with a helmet mounted camera filing it for the DVD and YouTube!

Thanks to the dollar, we hired some American gardeners last month. They are soo cute with their little kahki dockers and white tennis shoes, which I understand is the national dress in their country. The language and culture barrier and has been a bit rough, as we don't have "restrooms", but only shit closets. They always seem to be shooting each other, and when you give them a band-aid for a blister, they somehow feel compelled to pay you $2800 and insist on a MRI.

"Thanks to the dollar, we hired some American gardeners last month. They are soo cute with their little kahki dockers and white tennis shoes, which I understand is the national dress in their country. The language and culture barrier and has been a bit rough, as we don't have "restrooms", but only shit closets. They always seem to be shooting each other, and when you give them a band-aid for a blister, they somehow feel compelled to pay you $2800 and insist on a MRI."

"A number of people have pointed out that fixed-gear freestyling has a lot in common with artistic cycling. (Slightly fewer people have pointed out that it also has some things in common with autistic cycling.)"

Do you even know any thing about autism you fucking idiot? If you did you would realize your comment makes no sense what so ever.Even when people use 'gay' or 'retard' as an insult it adds up to a kind of logic. Twisted and bigoted though it may be.But your autism slur is just meaningless. Given that you have made no use of non sequitur humor in previous blog entries to date (which is the only way you could pass the comment off) I can only assume that this meaningless slur has arisen from a misguided attempt at comparative humor. Do some research. Just because 'Artistic' sounds similar to 'Autistic' doesn't make it clever writing to compare the two.

I won't deny that the fact the words are almost homononymous was part of my reason for making an admittedly broad joke. However, autism can also involve repetitive behavior, in particular "restricted behavior" which "is limited in focus, interest, or activity, such as preoccupation with a single television program." This is from no less a source than Wikipedia, which we all know is never, ever wrong. And I don't think it's a stretch to say that some fixed-gear freestylers engage in "restricted behavior" in that they only ride one type of bicycle, and they do so in tiny circles. Just replace "television program" with "bicycle."

Sorry if you were offended. That was not my attention. I hope you continue to read the blog, though I certainly understand if you decide to seek less controversial entertainment elsewhere.

I use the bike garage in Chicago everyday, specifically the free parking on the lower level. The worst part is the bike rentals to the toursits and the "hip cafe". Also, regarding corporate sponsorship, it's ironically the McDonald's Bike Garage at Millenium Park...which almost caused me to stop parking there.

Looks like I'll be saving my pennies for that phat dope uber-hip Raw Cannondale at £1,449. Then I'll only be outclassed by the cops on segways in Prospect Park. Man, I can't wait for warm weather to roll around so I can see that stupendous waste of taxpayer money again.

I won't deny that the fact the words are almost homononymous was part of my reason for making an admittedly broad joke. However, autism can also involve repetitive behavior, in particular "restricted behavior" which "is limited in focus, interest, or activity, such as preoccupation with a single television program." This is from no less a source than Wikipedia, which we all know is never, ever wrong. And I don't think it's a stretch to say that some fixed-gear freestylers engage in "restricted behavior" in that they only ride one type of bicycle, and they do so in tiny circles. Just replace "television program" with "bicycle."

Sorry if you were offended. That was not my attention. I hope you continue to read the blog, though I certainly understand if you decide to seek less controversial entertainment elsewhere.

--BSNYC

It wasn't the controversy nor the slur that bothered me. It was how little you know about autism. I love a good dose of insulting humor provided it makes sense. (You probably think schizophrenics have split personalities)I'll admit the joke makes some sense when taken in relation to the Wikipedia article. Its just to bad the Wikipedia article gets it wrong.You can insult people with autism for the sake of humor till you're blue in the face. Just try to understand what your talking about before you write it.

The Chicago Bike Lot is in fact sponsered by no less than McDonalds. But I suppose it's better than Exxon-Mobile. Still a good idea, nonetheless...but when I first heard they were putting in PUBLIC SHOWERS I thought, "now here's a Nightly Local News expose waiting to happen".

Oh for sure. My evil lair is a large igloo where we watch Buffalo TV news read my Americans. We just renovated the shit closet, you should come up sometime.

I don't think Sprocketboy is aware that most evening newscasters are in fact, closet Canadians. My activist group CUNTs (Canadians United as National Treasures)is working on outing these people to encourage Canadian pride. We are planning a parade in July in Greenwich, were we strip down to our Hudson's Bay Company speedos and chant, "we're here, not contrite, we're polite, get used to it, please."

i've worked with autistic school children for years and i thought the joke was pretty funny. not his best, but funny. i pictured one of the kids i've worked with and what his self-designed fixed gear would look like. probably not all that different fom some of the color coordinated messes i see every day when passing through williamsburg.

Autistic cycling, that is funny shit, and you made sense of it. dude cant handle it, he better saddle it, up and ride, someplace else, but props for rep'n how he felt,

Now for,Local news Expose on hip hop lobster blog posted by cog:

Sometimes Cog gets so into his shit, he ends up with it, so to make up for it, the 2 part shit, while not bad, but it aint the best shit he had, so he give ya one better. yes on the date one and one eight, he made a late update! hit ya again with another new jam.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!