We won’t go all patronising and say ‘doesn’t he look good for a man of 48’, but really, could a real woman look this good at the age of 48? The hair alone should have its own West End show.

Now the bad news. The boy’s a cock. He’s also someone we’ve never, ever, ever had the urge to bum, not even slightly. Not even just the tip.

And nor have we ever met anyone who wants to bum the bloke. Not one. Not even half a one. We have, however, met people who have actually… No, best stop there. We might have to sing for our supper otherwise.

Also, Tom Cruise likes to do his own stunts. Well bully for him.

Do you want to see him doing his own stunts? He took the time out from protecting a magic ring, so be nice…

(Something to do with the new Mission Impossible. Key words are ‘Prague’, ‘flying’, ‘topless’, ‘Thomas’, ‘Cruise’ and ‘lightning bolt’. We hope you’re taking notes.)