DO NOT WANT: The Goatee Saver

Despite being bald, my beard has retained the consistency of a brillo pad. It grows fast and thick, and if I don’t shave I start to look like Sasquatch. So, I am always interested in new and innovative shaving products.

Which this is not:

The Goatee Saver is a device that promises to give you a goatee that “women will notice and men will respect”. Basically, it’s an adjustable shaving guide that prevents you from nicking off pieces of your precious goat. It’s also totally stupid.

Why? Well, look at it. This is a good example of product design gone mad. Who wants to clamp something to their face before they shave? It’s also a good example of a product for which there is no legitimate need. Men have been pruning their goatees for decades without technological aids. And for the most part, the goatees I see on the street look fine. Or at least well-trimmed.

But what really bugs me about this this thing is what it means. It’s another step in the emasculation of the modern male. Shaving- however you do it- is the most sacred male grooming ritual. It’s about skill and personal style, and how you shave says a lot about you as a person. If you can’t maintain a proper-looking goatee without looking like a member of the Borg, then you have no business placing sharp things near your face anyway. By using a Goatee saver, you’re relinquishing your manhood.

So, lose the mouthguard, grab a razor and some Barbasol, and shave your damn face. It may not be fancy, but at least you can look yourself in the eye as you do it.