If only everyone thought and felt what we wanted them to! Wouldn't that make life easier? Well maybe easier, but not necessarily more fulfilling.

Here are some suggestions to prevent people from getting defensive when we are communicating our perspectives:

We cannot control anyone else's behavior. I'll repeat that because it's so convenient to forget.

We cannot control any other person's behavior. Really.

Even when it seems like someone else is acting irrationally or being inconsiderate, they are behaving from their reality and based on the feelings they are experiencing. As much as we may want and try to convince them "rationally" to understand our reality, they only have their own reality.

This is not to say we shouldn't share our realities and perspectives of how people's behavior impacts us. However, it is impossible to alter another person's reality.

Our feelings are incapable of lying. And everyone else's feelings are incapable of lying. Feelings are truthful...like it or not.

So as frustrating as this can be, it is our yoga practice of compassion that enables us not to get caught up in a reactive tornado in response to another person's seemingly irrational behavior (remember, they are experiencing feelings that are real to them).

To dismiss or discount another's feelings is counterproductive and almost always agitates a situation. It is our compassion, that allows us understand that the person causing us discomfort is probably experiencing something troubling themselves.

If the other person is hurting or angry, they may not be able to hear your reality until their emotions are less heightened. So if this is the case, consider just listening for the moment and talking at a later point.

When some people are angry/scared/anxious they will not be able to process anything you say until they are in a less exited state.

So give them a chance to cycle through their emotions, even if you don't understand their reality. This sort of compassion can be effective, not only to show you are supportive, but also to help ensure that YOUR perspective is heard (even if it's not at the exact time that you want it to be heard).

In short:

We ALL have feelings

Our feelings never lie

We ALL have DIFFERENT realities

It is impossible to change anyone else's reality.

All that we can do to influence another person is to share OUR reality and communicate OUR feelings

Why is this important?

It can save us a lot of futile judging and attempts at convincing our spouses, kids, co-workers to feel the way we think they "should".

Speak from YOUR reality, talk about YOUR experience, communicate YOUR feelings....don't tell anyone else what you want them to think or feel...rather, focus on their behavior and how it makes YOU feel. No one can argue with what you are feeling.

What would our relations be like if we all saw the world from the same reality? Would it really be better, or just smoother?

1 Comments:

I am from SC and my heart was heavy with sadness over Joe Wilson's shameful name calling to our President. And they speak of our youth!!! This is a grown, educated man. You say give them a chance to cycle through their emotions, even if you don't understand their reality. I don't believe anyone should be expected to understand such disrespect. You say that this sort of compassion can be effective, not only to show you are supportive? Only evil and darkness would be supportive of a man such as this. My love and my compassion went out a hundred fold to our President, who had to stand before millions and be publicly slandered!! After much prayer and meditation, I came to realize that Joe Wilson's hatred was revealed for all to see and in the end our Presidents greatest opponents were the ones who ended up with the understanding had compassion. But not for Joe Wilson. In a kinder world your practice would be beautiful....