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The LFL is not for those who want to get their kicks

Laeping Larry

WHEN it comes to pay TV's sporting eccentrics, no-one consistently out-weirds the "extreme sport" channel, Fuel TV. And, on Fuel TV the proverbial jewel in the clown is undoubtedly the Lingerie Football League, inarguably American Football's most inexplicable off-shoot.

Picture a game played by 14 women in two-piece swimwear, and tassels, and ribbons, shoulder-pads, and helmets, with everything else exposed to the naked eye.

There's no kicking at all, except for a kick-off - the indescribable trajectory of this perhaps indicating why there is no kicking - no goal posts, and no one in the arena.

Saturday's telecast game between the Philadelphia Passion and the New York Majesty - fresh off the satellite from last October - had a particularly poignant moment for connoisseurs of great sports-entertainment disasters.

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While the players took a time-out, the stadium PA blared Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days, as the camera panned with an unwinking eye around innumerable banks of seating entirely unoccupied by spectators. One felt that The Carnival is Over by The Seekers would perhaps have been a more apt musical choice.

There was no great difficulty in following the game. Philadelphia quarterback Jackie Danico would throw the ball to running back Tyrah Lusby, who would then score a touchdown. Occasionally, for the sake of variety, Danico would throw the ball to wide-receiver Tabby Haskins, who would then score a touchdown.

The New York team had more problems than simply dealing with an opposition player named "Tabby". A new coach had instituted new plays, leading to a certain amount of, well, anarchy. Indeed, quarterback Krystal Gray found herself in the position at team huddles of first having to give the code for the play, and then having to explain the play in encyclopedic detail anyway. This presumably doesn't happen quite so often in the NFL.

The resulting confusion led to one memorable incident in which Gray took to the line for the next play, unaccompanied by her teammates who were still all back in the huddle.

Not that players were necessarily the only ones somewhat at sea. At one point, an on-field official announced a penalty for "Too many men on the line". Given the outfits, he just can't have been paying particularly close attention.

Noted commentator Tom Dore, "First game for some of the officials here - struggling with some of the finer points of the rules."