— Belly Flop: Brock Turner has registered as a sex offender, and he’ll never get to compete in a swimming competition again. Brock’s mom called the police on the protestors assembled around their house.

— A Place For Pigs: Gretchen Carlson will receive a $20,000,000 settlement from Fox News and Roger Ailes

— Eat Shit: Subway’s Jared Fogle is suing the parents of one of his victims, claiming that their divorce is the reason for her trauma, not the 4 years he secretly filmed her changing and bathing while she was underage

— Come On People: Bill Cosby wrote a book about how not to be a victim

— Fat Chance: 92% of KATG fans think Kerryn wasn’t too mean to Whitney Way Thore, star of the worst reality show of all time. Keith’s free Nazi tattoo idea is deemed brilliant. 6 people think that you can collect Nazi memorabilia and not be a complete fuck.

— Fuck You Jacket: Tony shares more stories from the marching band trenches