1} Emoticons rule. Before you run your mouth, remember: chicks like to natter; men prefer to act. Facial expression = action. Reply to most texts [if you must text at all] with symbols. She can fill everything in herself. Fuck, that’s what she’ll do, regardless.

2} It takes two to have a conversation. So, if it’s a topic you don’t care to discuss— don’t. Walk away. Grunt. Whatever. Actually, just say whatever you don’t mind discussing, instead. As a woman, she’ll feel compelled to give her feelings on the subject. I’ve never, in my life, met a woman that could stay “on topic” without my influence, thus derailing them is easier than singing the first bar of ‘Happy Birthday’.

3} Swat her ass. Often. If you feel the need to say something to her— smack her ass, instead. Let her work it out.

4} If you absolutely must say something serious to her about your relationship— immediately follow it with something silly. Rock her emotional canoe.

5} If she ever asks “What are you thinking about?” respond: WWI fighter–planes. They’re fucking awesome. Works for me.

As usual, I take a micro event (a slice of my life) and make it a macro lesson.

How to handle a break-up like a man:

1} Be polite. Harsh words will only paint you to be the asshole you most likely aren’t. End things civilly; disregard all attempts at dragging you into crass behavior.

2} Understand that, no matter what, you will be portrayed as the bad guy/instigator. Yes, the onus of getting a woman is on you as is losing one. Contrary to what the world will try to tell you – gender defines you.

3} Have sex with another woman as quickly as possible. A woman willing to sleep with you is willing to do just about anything else for you. This means, if you bed her, it’s very probable you have her in all other areas (or she is at least amenable to other options). A woman does not have this benefit from the same activity. This advice works for men and not women because sex is an end for men but a means for women.

4} Remember, women have a 463 bullet point checklist for men to meet. Men have 2 – youth and beauty. She will be easier to replace than you will be.

5} Her friends will tell her anything to make her feel better. Not to mention the fact that most of this advice will be counterproductive, considering the nature of female interaction. It’s also why a woman’s female friends will never suggest any type of self-improvement. All humans are in competition with one another – and that’s how women compete for the best men. De facto, this will make it much harder for her to replace you.

6} Realize you lost her because you screwed up. Tighten your Game, get in better shape, etc.

7} Understand that she will consider herself better off without you. And she is correct – for the moment. Do not expect her to miss you, mourn for losing you or pine for your attention. In this world of instant (internet) validation, she will be backed up by her friends (that want to keep her single AND out of the competitive pool) along with men that want to fuck her.

8} Do not contact/stalk her. As above, she doesn’t miss you and you will only learn things you would Truly rather not know. Give her time. As my father said (and it was brilliant) – if a woman wants to be with a man, nothing on earth will stop her from going after him. Never – not once – have I seen this disproven.

9} Have confidence in who you are. If you’re even half decent, it’s only a matter of time before she realizes what a prize she lost. Don’t wait for that, however. If her SMV is high enough, she won’t even remember she was married to you let alone shared a few drinks.

10} Understand most men have no Game. And most women don’t realize that their Game needs to adapt to their (quickly) decreasing SMV. This knowledge alone will be a comfort to the wise.

Extra Credit: Most of all, keep in mind [as it’s been said countless times] that women are the gatekeepers to sex; men are the gatekeepers to commitment. Sure, she will be banging another man mere days after the two of you split (I know from personal experience) but that’s no guarantee that she’ll find a fulfilling relationship before you do.