Horror Power Ranking – January 26, 2009

Posted by

9 years ago

Despite my public love for the Underworld series, I never guessed that the rest of America would so wholeheartedly embrace the third outing. I guess that means we’ll be treated to theatrical outings for, at least, Underworld: Fall of the Vampyr, and Underworld: Sideways Shuffle of the Mummy. Plus, funny, high quality filmmakers are taking over horror, starting with Joss Whedon, and Judd Apatow. Do we see a new trend emerging? Let’s check it out:

Underworld: Rise of the LycansWell, paint me completely surprised. Not only is Underworld the number one movie at the box office this weekend, and not only did our own Stacie Ponder like it, but it actually might be more fun than the first two movies combined. I feel weird.

2

4

Friday the 13thHooray, Jason is back! For the past few weeks, I’ve been complaining about the invisibility of this reboot, and I think the producers read this column, felt ashamed, and started advertising it hardcore. I am a major media mover and shaker.

3

1

My Bloody Valentine 3DThe scariest thing about My Bloody Valentine? There’s been no announcement of a sequel. It’s de rigueur to have a big opening weekend, then announce the next installment. What gives, Lionsgate. Oh, right. Lionsgate hates horror. Forgot.

4

–

Cabin in the WoodsAny day with news about a new Joss Whedon movie is a good day. I am a little confused why Bradley Whitford, and newly Oscar-nominated Richard Jenkins will be playing the terrorized babes in this movie, but I’ll trust Whedon.

5

–

Bill Hader/Judd Apatow Slasher FilmSimilarly intriguing is the Bill Hader-penned, Judd Apatow-produced slasher film now in the works. Title suggestions: “The 40 Year Dead Virgin;” “Knocked Out;” “Filleting Sarah Marshall.” Hey, I got more of these than the cryptkeeper.

6

–

Lesbian Vampire KillersThe more I hear about this, the less intrigued I am. There’s a very delicate line to balance between homage, parody, and spoof, and from what I’m hearing, it doesn’t quite toe that line. I mean, don’t get me wrong: Lesbian vampires are still in it.

7

8

ZombielandI’m still a little wary of a zombie comedy that isn’t Shaun of the Dead, but with Abagail Breslin joining Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, and Jesse Eisenberg, clearly something in the script is attracting good actors.

8

–

Grace“Jordan Ladd gives birth to a killer baby,” is a great pitch for a horror movie; the only reason I’ve rated it so low is because that’s probably my worst nightmare ever. Not the Jordan Ladd giving birth part, the killer baby part.

9

9

The UninvitedI’m sure the producers of this movie hope that that it doesn’t get uninvited from movie theaters too quickly. I’m also sure I’m the first, and the last person ever to make that joke. So, you know, good job me.

10

–

HorsemenDamn, I love Dennis Quaid, but seriously? Was this the sequel script to Se7en no one wanted to make, and you just picked it up? Tell you guys what: let’s see who can name the most movies this trailer rips off; I can do at least two, so beat that.