The season premiere of The Bachelor was totally bananas

27 Jul 2016

3 min read

:

Episode one The Bachelor saw the gifting of a bouquet of bacon, a planking competition, and one of the girls walking out mid-rose ceremony

Holy crap, it’s arrived – the first episode of The Bachelor starring Australia’s favourite Bachelorette reject and all-around dork, Richie Strahan. Of course, Channel Ten chose the rope access technician from Perth who once told Sam Frost he was "falling in with her" after they made snow angels together to get his own show – of course they did.

He’s handsome, he constantly embarrasses himself, and best of all, he most definitely won’t have any skeletons in his closet that will make Australia not believe he’s your every day guy next door looking for true love on national television cough cough Blake Garvey’s stripper past cough cough.

The episode introduced us to the 22 girls vying for Bachie Richie's heart, and gave us a very clear indication of who to dump into the usual Bachelor contestant categories: the resident villains, the freaks, the front runners, and the has-that-girl-really-been-on-the-show-this-whole-time-we-never-even-noticed-her-until-episode-sevens.

Here's who we've managed to group into each category:

The resident villain

Keira. And only Keira.

The girl is nasty. And up herself. To give you an idea of how cocky she is, she described herself as "pretty much the whole package". After meeting Richie (he was so flustered by her, he asked her what turned her on), she spent the whole of the cocktail party getting progressively drunker and drunker, and dropping hate bombs on all the other girls as soon as they were out of earshot. Look at her shooting darts out of her eyes here (far right, but that obvious):

The freaks

Eliza, Vintaea, Janey, Sacha and Bacon Girl.

Eliza not only sang Richie a song minutes after first meeting him, she continued to sing the same damn song multiple times throughout the night. Oh, and she also gave Bachie Richie a booty slap. Again, minutes after first meeting him.

Luckily for Vintaea, she sensed the producers had roped her into the freaks category and, saving herself the humiliation, walked out mid-rose ceremony. Not before the show's editor team had a field day grouping together all the scenes where she swore like a sailor to prove that she was most definitely not wifey material.

Janey, the children's entertainer who calls Cinderella her life hero. Where do they find these girls, really? Janey took off her shoe after meeting Richie, gave it to him and promptly ran away. Because that's normal.

Sacha started eating her rose mid-rose ceremony. Eating it.

Bacon Girl, also known as Noni, gifted Richie a bouquet of... bacon. Enough said. We gotta say though, we did have a small chuckle when she delivered the line, "don't go bacon my heart" to explain the whole thing.

Here's that beautiful moment:

The front runners

Alex, Megan, Tiffany and Olena – clearly Richie has a thing for blondes. And major babes.

Alex is obviously this season's Snezana Markoski. Like Snez, she has a kid. Richie didn't care though, and liked her so much he gave her the white rose, which symbolised "exclusive access to a secret hideaway", which sounds a bit like it could just be the mansion's basement where they store the candles when they're not in use?

Here's Alex looking the part of a front runner (read: normal-looking):

Megan got a rose probably because she took her shoes off at the cocktail party.

Tiffany got hers because she won the planking competition amongst the girls (but not against Richie because we got a glimpse of his ab muslces at the start of the episode and it was very obvious he planks every single day of his life).

Olena tried to seduce Richie with her eyes and Ukranian phrases that he didn't understand, and it looked like it worked – Richie was practically drooling over her.

The has-that-girl-really-been-on-the-show-this-whole-time-we-never-even-noticed-her-until-episode-sevens

Natalie, Aimee, Sophie, Marja, and Georgia.

That girl on the right? Yeah, that's Marja and apparently she was in the episode. Oh wait, she was the girl who did yoga at the start.

Props to Channel Ten for yet again managing to break things down for us in easy-to-digest terms. Keira, bad, Alex, good. We got this – let's get this season started.