Such a sweet, sour, tangy and just all-around delicious life we live... from poetry and cooking to movie and book reviews, from baby updates to philosophies of family and spiritual adventures... enjoy the wide, tangential ride.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Sunday, November 09, 2008 We just had the best weekend... our friends Phil & Christine came all the way from San Jose to do our maternity photography. It was awesome! I've seen some of the photos on his camera, and they look great so far. Can't wait to see them larger. It was a really cool experience, even though it is tougher than it looks to be a "model." I think that this is going to be one of the gifts I value most... we love photography, and art, and this session was where the two met to celebrate the pregnancy. :) Christine was there as all-around support, make-up technician, photography assistant, and stand-in. Phil did an amazing job with the pictures and never complained once about having to work with amateurs like me and Joel-- just kept clicking and directing and adjusting lights until we actually looked like pros! What a great experience.

Monday, November 10, 2008 Sometimes I find it difficult not to be overwhelmed with sadness when I think about going back to work so soon after the baby is born. I'll probably have to go back a mere 6 weeks after the birth, and I just don't know how I'm going to do it without falling apart. When I think about how much I'm going to miss by being at work during the first, precious months of his life, I can hardly bear it. Yesterday I was sitting in my chair and felt the baby start his calisthenics, and I did my usual "Hey, baby" to the stomach, and then burst into tears. I feel like these next couple of months are the last ones I will have where no one can tell me I have to leave him. Although I know it sounds weird to say it like this, we will never be this close again. After December, we'll be two bodies instead of one, and that means we can be separated, and that we will be separated-- way too soon for my peace of mind.

*sigh*

It's not that I don't want my son to separate from me or be his own person. It's that I can hardly deal with the fact that within a few weeks of his birth I will have to leave him all day and go back to work. I feel like I'm going to miss everything-- all those important, intense, amazing "firsts" that babies go through. And, yes-- I know that women all over the world are dealing with these same emotions over having to leave their child and get back to making money to support that child. Somehow, though, it doesn't make me feel better at all to know that there are lots of us out there who are going to miss their babies all day long.

And mine isn't even born yet! Sheesh, you'd think I would at least wait until he's here to start missing him. /:)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008I saw the doctor today and was able to finally get across the type of pain I'm feeling in my hips, pelvic region, tailbone, etc. I mean, it's to the point where I'm having a hard time standing up, walking, or going up/down stairs without pain-- every day. It can get pretty severe at times, like a sharp knife is cutting into me. I end up walking like a 98-year-old, shuffling my feet to cut down on the pain as much as possible; probably looks ridiculous. Anyway, I told Dr. A., and he said that he would approve disability whenever I felt that it had gone far enough and I couldn't take it any more. Yay! And now for the bad news-- it has gone far enough, and I can't take it any more, but I can't afford to take disability and leave work. If I were to leave, my paycheck would drop to half-pay. Half pay? That is so far from what we need that it is totally impossible to even imagine how we would live, especially considering that my paycheck is our main source of income. Joel is thankfully bringing in freelance income, but it wouldn't be enough to cover the other half of my paycheck. All of which means that no matter how painful it is, I'm just going to have to do deep breathing exercises, walk very slowly, and figure out how to keep going at work until I'm basically ready to collapse. Yay? I'm really not trying to be a martyr here, but I have no idea how this is going to work. Seriously speaking, I don't think I'll make it much longer... but how the heck am I supposed to take the time off to rest/recover/not be in pain, when doing so means we'll lose half of our income???

On that note, looks like it's time for chocolate milk. If chocolate can't cure it, what will? ;)

Friday, November 14, 2008 Well, to be depressing YET AGAIN, I signed up for my health coverage for Jan-Dec '09, and it was pretty ugly. I don't qualify for short-term disability coverage because of my "pre-existing condition" (pregnancy), so if I take off *any time* after the birth, it will be covered only by regular disability-- half of my regular paycheck. In other words, I'm scheduled to come back in the first week of March '09, for a total of 8 weeks out. If I actually did that, I could expect to get half of my paycheck for those two months off. Half. You know, because who really needs the other half?? I usually just toss it in a dumpster or use it for papier mache projects anyway, so what's the diff?

***sigh***

And not only that. Oh yes, there's more! My monthly premiums went up by $100, and that's without adding the baby, let alone Joel, to any sort of health coverage. I don't qualify for Healthy Families or Kaiser Children's Health Plan, which both have income guidelines that are just under what I theoretically make per year. I say theoretically because my take-home pay is approximately half of my gross income. In a way, it would be better if I made less money, because at this point I'm going to be spending another $300/month for baby + Joel (at least), which added to the extra $100/month for my own premiums, makes things pretty dicey around here. And then top that off with the fact that I will be taking home only HALF of a paycheck for 2 months, and you can see where we're screwed.

I don't mean to sound so negative, but man oh man... I'm at a loss here as to how the heck we're going to make it.

Oh yeah-- and yesterday at work, I actually broke into tears while walking down the stairs after a meeting. It was very embarrassing, as my coworkers were there and got to witness the whole debacle. They were all very kind and concerned and supportive, but it almost made it worse, in a way. Yes, I was in pain, and yes, it was a touch embarrassing to cry in front of everyone, but it was also a reminder that there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I just have to keep going as long as possible and then recover as quickly as I can and get back to work as soon as possible next year. Otherwise... well, maybe the landlord will take some of our oranges and grapefruit in lieu of rent? Hmm... I'm going to look into it.

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Who am I?

I write in my blog (lemontartlife.blogspot.com) to try to figure out just who I am and what I'm doing here... Like so many, I still have to find my purpose in life. For now, it's enough to know that I have a son to raise and introduce to this amazing world. I'm hoping the rest falls into place along the way