Friday, May 27, 2011

That's a tough question, and it can be tricky. So here are a few tips to warn you that your doctor may not be real. Any one of these (not to mention ALL of them, FFS) should alert you to look for another doctor.

1. A reputable physician's sole listing will likely NOT be in a Bulgarian language newspaper in Skokie, Illinois.

2. A reputable physician generally will NOT be seeing office patients at 6:30 on a Saturday night.

3. A reputable physician will NOT wait for you, alone, in a dark, locked, building with a "CLOSED" sign in the window.

4. A reputable physcian will NOT let you knock for a while before letting you in himself.

5. A reputable physician will NOT stick toothpicks in your chest.

6. A reputable physician will NOT give you a bottle of pills labeled "Prosperous Farmer" that expired in 2002 (or anything called that, no matter when it expired!)

7. A reputable physician will ALWAYS have some sort of office paperwork.

8. A reputable physician will NOT jump into his car and try to drive away when you return for a follow-up visit.

If your physician does this, and you paid $150 cash for it, then you must have been seeing this guy.

And, for the record, I think it's absolutely pathetic that the patient involved didn't see a problem with items #1-6.

I am so happy that I sent the article to Grumpy, but I am not sure about Grumpy's opinion that a real accupunturist does not stick toothpicks in your chest. There is a high cringe factor in all this. Have a good holiday.

I would rather assume (perhaps incorrectly) that someone reading a Bulgarian-language newspaper might not have the best grasp of American medical customs. I'm not sure that blaming the patient makes all that much sense here.

I agree that it is pathetic, but if the patient was a foreigner new to this country, then I could see hwo this could happen. However, the whole scenario should seem really odd to anyone. I sure as hell would not be giving this guy a shot at treating me!

"A good case of smallpox may rid the system of more scrofulous, tubercular, syphilitic and other poisons than could otherwise be eliminated in a lifetime. Therefore, smallpox is certainly to be preferred to vaccination. The one means elimination of chronic disease, the other the making of it..."

When I first came to this town, I respected the ICU pulmonlogist and he was accepting new patients, so I was very happy while he was my doctor, but then he soon left his practice to become president of the group, I had to find a new one.

A friend advised a doctor that specialized in alternative medicine, thinking I'd be interested in someone that focused on diet, exercise, and proper amounts of rest and relaxation.

I made the appointment and showed up. What first freaked me out was the handmade sheets of paper he had in the waiting area touting natural products, vitamins and something like EDTA chelation therapy.

I was not impressed with the office help. She certainly did not look as if she knew or cared about anything in the medical field, rather like a local high school babysitter that fit showing up at the office into her schedule.

Then, during an exam, the doctor left me on lying on the exam table for a few minutes (well-covered) to take care of some business.

The table looked ss it had been a hand-upholsterd purchase from an antique auction. I looked around, and it seemed as if the doctor's license used a slightly different name than the one I'd made the appointment.

The doctor had left the door slightly ajar and a salesman (or maybe the plumber) passed by the room and met my eyes.

I hopped off the table to shut the door, and decided to poke around a bit. The first cabinet I opened, was filled with 500 count bottles of ibuprofen 800 mg.

I thought, 'is he competing with pharmacists over ibuprofen; does he give this to patients, or put a few in prescription bottle for his patients or give them the whole bottle, and what kind of labeling?' knowing it's against the law in this state for docs to dispense out of their offices. I decided to dress and leave at this point, as I wasn't interested in anything he might have to say.

Well, I don't think this particular MD works around here anymore. I see his advertisements for a pain clinic in the big town 60 miles south, and wonder about his patients.

I just love your posts, Dr. Grumpy! I always look forward to reading them. As someone who has a bipolar brother and sister who both drive me NUTS, why are they being treated by a psychiatrist and not a neurologist? Is there a strict division between what these two specialists treat?

I think there have been times that you wanted to hop in your car and drive away when certain patients came in for a follow up visit. The difference may be that while you might like to do this, you don't acually do it.

Welcome to my whining!

This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate.

Singing Foo!

Have Dr. Grumpy delivered automatically to your Kindle for only 99 cents a month! Sign up here!

Dr. Grumpy is for hire! Need an article written (humorous, medical, or otherwise) or want to commission a genuine Grumpy piece for your newspaper/magazine/toilet paper roll? Contact me to discuss subjects. You can reach me at the email address below, or through my Linked-In profile.

Note: I do not answer medical questions. If you are having a medical issue, see your own doctor. For all you know I'm really a Mongolian yak herder and have no medical training at all except in issues regarding the care and feeding of Mongolian yaks.