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Wednesday, 8 January 2014

CCP Hints No One Gives a Fuck About Faction Warfare

After
years of neglect from EVE journalists and some benign scorn from nullsec
alliances CCP has confirmed what we've all been wondering. CCP DickNose gave
Eve Onion this exclusive interview while LP farming:

First of all, it’s called god damn Factional Warfare!
Anyway, we've been just crushed with work trying to get those CSM8 meeting
minutes together so we thought we’d give Factional Warfare a bit of attention
since it’s been quiet on that front for a while: Nobody gives a fuck about it.
There. We said it. Plus, we’re kinda busy dangling a carrot in front of L4
runners and then bludgeoning them with the throbbing erection of hi-sec gankers.

Here’s some behind the scenes info. At first we were
like, ‘Yeah, I think we found a great place for old null alliances to go to
die.’ But then we saw the potential to further popularize the first person
shooting juggernaut known as DUST
and we couldn't resist. We worked tirelessly to integrate EVE and DUST into one seamless universe. In DUST, you and your team muddle through some gameplay and
take over some sector, or area, or base or something. Then, in EVE, there’s a
planet icon with a percentage underneath it that changes how much a white bar
fills in your HUD. That's some revolutionary cross-genre shit right there!"

At this point in the discussion CCP
DickNose noticed an Atron on short outside his novice complex and promptly warped
to a safe. He wisely fitted every available low slot with a warp stab and
didn't bother bringing any drones or weapons – but you never can be too careful…

"Whoa that was close. Anyway, while we’re pleased to
see that Caldari/Gallente space is nothing but an ATM for some of the *cough*
null alliances, we’re equally amused to stroll through Amarr/Minmatar space
where literally nothing ever happens. It’s an impressive feat, I think, to so
accurately model the vast nothingness of space like we did in Amarr/Minmatar
lo-sec."

My conversation with CCP DickNose continued
for some time. At one point in the conversation he idled at a gate in 1.0 space
where he was blapped unceremoniously by a war target. “Damn you, CONCORD!!” he
cried whilst vigorously squeezing his empty Mountain Dew bottle. “I had a
shitload of tags from Destroyer rats!”

Looking defeated, he concluded our
interview with a sigh of relief saying “I can’t wait until the next expansion
comes out and we ban PVP in hi-sec. Undocking a faction-fit Rifter with 10
PLEXes in the hold free of worry is every capsuleer’s God-given right.”