If you've played online before you already know that according to every person you play against you "suck." Well stop sucking because what I have below is a compilation of personal experiences that have helped many excel as gamers, and after years of mentoring under people who have t-bagged me countless times I've taken their word for it when they say that this stuff works. Many of you may already think that you have a golden ticket. The one trick that allows you to be better than anyone else on this video game sphere we call earth. Some of you will say it's a special controller, some will say it's a certain diet, but you're all completely wrong. It's actually five things and luckily for you I've compiled them all in this list.

Now you may scoff and think that I just threw this list together, but nay. I'll again remind you that this list was actually built over many years of gaming and many years of mentoring under people who claim to be the best video game players of all time. I've noticed some similarities while mentoring under the self-proclaimed greats over the years, and here's what I see that keeps popping up.

1) Tell everyone how high you are, or how good the weed you have is.

You may laugh, but by god these player can snipe. Whilst bragging about how they are "baked out of their minds" these players will get multiple headshots and at least a double kill. Obviously being gorged out of your mind and sounding like you have the intelligence of a marsupial that eats it's own feces has no effect on your game because it looks like I need to take some pointers.

By god he just took out the entire team while describing how to roll the perfect "fatty" and disrespecting my mother. Glorious.

2) Confess quietly that you're intoxicated.

Again, revealing personal details that you would think no one cares about seems to have a positive effect on your ability to kill people. Granted while intoxicated most of your kills will be teammates which you'll apologize for dispatching hours after the incident occurred, but during that time you won't be doing one thing. Dying.

Because you're unable to do the simplest of tasks you will spend much more time in the comfort of your own base meaning you will not be adding to your death count. This professional tactic combined with something people may call camping has been effective for eons, but you need to remember to do one thing.

3) Blare some indistinguishable tunes as loud as you possibly can into the headset.

What's better than giving the position of an enemy, or warning a teammate that someone has captured the flag? Sending garbled, and crackly distortions through a device that cannot handle the frequency output by music.

We all now realize that Tu Pac is your favorite artist of all time because all we hear is "zzzkkkkzzz Califor...zzzkkkccckkkttzz vveeeee." on repeat for 97 minutes straight. Luckily for us this tactic quickly allows your teammates to mute you meaning you're able to focus and somehow manage to become the MVP of a match.

Sure communication may seem logical for team cohesion, but when you're as good as Iluvweed420_69 who needs teammates?

All you need is some "Californ zzzkkkkccczzz veee" and a sniper rifle.

4) Refuse to hit puberty, refuse to mature, and refuse to stop talking all at the same time.

If you're an 11 year old racist, you've got a bone to pick with society, and your dad works for Microsoft. Congratulations Peter, you're about to be a pro gamer.

Make sure you don't forget to disrespect your mother who has been bringing you a constant stream of chocolate milk, wail into the mic hurting everyone's ears every chance you get, and make comments so prejudice that people will want to bring their Xboxes back to Best Buy. You know the game, you're a pro at it, and it's very important that we all know your dad has a job at some gaming company.

One other advantage you have is that you'll be getting some extra kills as people are navigating the menu to report you on the Playstation Network, but hey. That just means 5 more kills in Killzone 3.

5) Noob Tube

We all hate you. That was on behalf of every person on earth who's ever played Call of Duty. Regardless, if you're ever in doubt and if it's completely apparent that you have no real skill just make sure to get this attachment and use it constantly. Sure you can't hit someone with a sniper rifle, and your spray and pray tactics have failed you countless times, but even the worst player could get a kill or two with the Noob Tube. Trust me. I've tried it and it works.

We still hate you all.

And that my friends is what several years of experience playing online games has taught me. If you have some tips of your own please leave a comment, but if you don't try these tactics that I've been taught by men who claim to be pro then it's your loss. I mean just think. Someday you could be pro like them.

Well until next time I'll be seeing you in-game.*

This blog is not an officially endorsed IGN blog and the opinions seen are my own. I'm an extremely sarcastic person and if you didn't pick up on that while reading this article I am quite surprised. No one should take anything I say too seriously... ever. So if I say something that makes you mad, please take a deep breath and relax. *hearts*

*Feel free to help me come up with a better outro sentence because that one was awful.