Thoughts on life from a survivor

Monthly Archives: January 2017

I’ve been doing some cleaning, physically and metaphorically. Sam is moving in, so I am making space for her, and as I do so, I find myself making space in my mind.

Today, I started organizing the “cat room,” a large walk in closet in the hallway which holds Autumn’s food, water, and litter box. It has a great deal of storage space, which has never been wonderfully organized, and after I changed bedrooms last year it failed to miraculously arrange itself. So far I have combined the contents of two shelves into one full shelf, one empty shelf, and a full recycling bin. Three shelves and a four by six floor to go.

Some of the items that made it to the recycling bin were my collection of Belgian beer bottles, which I had already been feeling rather foolish about. It started a few years ago and spread to cover every windowsill in my bedroom, but was really the domain of a teenager. I wasn’t bothered at first, convincing myself it was a sign of rebellion, not acting my age, but in reality it was silly.

I threw out my retirement notebook with all my 401k statements, it was rather depressing to see how much money I had when I retired, and the memories of where it went. I’ve been shuffling off my memories of Lieve and her children over the last few months, forgiving them for their behavior, this was a good physical act to remove reminders. It has been an interesting exercise, and I am fairly certain I understand the events better than when I was living them.

Two large packages were paperwork from Emma. All sorts of things I shouldn’t have, she saved everything. I have her documents safe, in these packages were her previous marriage certificates, and Death certificates from her husbands and father. Pay stubs and IRS returns from before I met her, photographs of her father and mafia elite, a lithograph her father had purchased for his grandson which no one ever wanted to retrieve. There were some things I kept, pictures of her in grade school, cards I had given her, and the silliest picture of her on a tractor which her first husband had adored; it makes me happy to think of them together now.

I’ve been moving around a number of “feelings” lately. I have chosen to walk away from a few friendships with people with myopic views of the presidential election rather than argue. Some were so vehement in their passions I actually found it necessary to block them. Oddly, this space has allowed me to make new friends, they share the beliefs of my old friends but feel no need to bring it up in every conversation. This is not a unique situation, Lieve and I were visiting one of her friends back in 2013 and said “We brought you something you’ll like.” She responded “Dick Cheney’s head on a platter?” This was four years after Cheney had left office, but he was still on the top of her mind, probably dying of loneliness.

I settled my feelings about a woman I cared for deeply who had brain damage. It saddens me that I needed to experience it to understand it. I had known she was fragile and was exceptionally gentle with her, but my fortune was to know her during a remission of symptoms, I was not responsible for her relapse.

A friend called last week, in panic. She had overstepped her morality, and was filled with shame and embarrassment. I understand how that works, but I don’t truly understand the feeling. I was quite impressed she turned to me, I know I’m a warm and understanding person, but my morals have been questioned repeatedly. We share the experience of losing a spouse, so I suppose that is why she trusted me. My brother (yes, I am accepting that I have a male sibling) once told me I had no morals (I did, they just were not his), I could never tell if he was serious or jealous. Most likely he was just judgemental, which I increasingly am not. It is pleasing to know that I am seen as non-judgemental and egalitarian.

I am doing better with the analysis of my thoughts and motives, and although this gives me insights into the thoughts and motives of others, I dare not reveal what they show me. In a conversation about an article in Pravda about unrest in America, one person suggested the use of water cannons to disrupt protests. This sparked a discussion on why water cannons are not used in America, with someone insisting that water cannons and mace are still used in America, which turned into an argument about the difference between “mace brand” and “MACE.” Yes, the conversation about a Pravda article claiming that Americans will argue about anything devolved into an argument about anything other than the subject of the article. I watched helplessly as any possibility to share information vanished. One person stepped in and made the point I was trying to reveal, they were ignored as the argument carried forward; the initial discussion completely forgotten. This is why I am shying away from discussion, most people only want to argue. I do not. I want to exchange ideas, which does not happen on one way streets.

I am finding peace in stepping away from disruption. This may result in life as a hermit, everything has a price. I still believe the tide is turning, I’m just in no condition to surf.

Like this:

Happy New Year. I am much happier today than I was one year ago, waking in the hospital with what must have been a wonderful assortment of drugs. I do not recall pain in my elbow, but it was still a few days until I realized I no longer had an elbow. It must have hurt, previous experience suggests morphine would have eliminated pain without clouding my memory, although the brain injury should have clouded my memory.

Today, that rebuilt contraption functions better than any of the doctors and therapists expected, better than most of them thought possible, better than any of them were capable of doing themselves. That is one of my triumphs, something I am proud of even though I had little to do with it.

It appeared, to everyone, that an inordinate number of performers died in 2016. David Bowie died on the day I started writing again. It is difficult to remember, I can’t remember writing, but the article existsand is accurate and not horribly written. The brain injury was apparently not clouding my memory at that point. I could only have been typing with my left hand, I remember frustration with using the mouse left handed, and I remember the initial reports on the internet. I remember Sam being there, and saying to her “I think Bowie died.” This is how my memory works now, bits and pieces. From what I have been told, my brain may take another couple of years to heal, perhaps I will have rich, full memories again. They still exist for some moments of the past, not as many as before, but none in the past year.

They tell me I will continue to get better, and that progress will not be linear. My goal, which I believe I have achieved, is to accept this. I no longer judge myself against two years ago, I judge myself against two months ago. I don’t always see the improvements, but people around me do. As many reminders I receive that TBI is an “Invisible injury,” I like to believe what others see as improvements.

There have been some disappointments, but I am certain I am not the only one to have been disappointed. I like to think I have become accepting and tolerant, and in reality one cannot be tolerant unless they are aware of what they are tolerant of. The election cycle appears to have been far more divisive than previous elections. I have friends who stepped away from social media altogether, many of whom have stated “All my friends became monsters.” I have seen a failure of civility, related to but not a part of the election. The route to proving one’s point has somehow degraded to insulting the opponent’s intelligence. It hurts a bit when you’re recovering from TBI, but it has been a learning experience, both in illuminating the character of people who claim my opinions are due to my brain injury, sometimes in crude and derogatory terms; and in learning not to argue with people who have no interest in reality. I am trying to open my own mind, I do not have the energy to open others.

I have not been as irritable as it appears is common in people with brain injuries, I have become more frugal with the energy I am willing to expend. It is fascinating to discover how much energy it takes to do nothing, I find myself exhausted after completing one or two simple tasks in a day. I shy away from meanness and anger, so perhaps I am more sensitive to it. People rarely feel they are cruel, telling them so makes them angry, so I have had to simply avoid some dear friends and family. This should tell me something about my former self, I have yet to figure out what I have learned. In some cases I wonder why I ever put up with them in the past, in most cases I see my own failure in enlightening them.

I have done enough. That’s just me talking, I really have nothing to say in the matter, but I have no desires of conquest. I intend to spend some time volunteering at the Brain Injury rehabilitation center down the road, I recall an ability to communicate with the non-verbal. I haven’t expected a long future for some time, but I can do my best with the days that present themselves. Who knows? Maybe I will fulfill my genetic predisposition and go another forty years. Time will continue, and all of this will eventually be meaningless.