COMMUNITY VOICES: Helping older victims of domestic violence

Recently, I have been involved in a collaborative process in understanding how to respond to domestic violence and sexual assault against elder women in our community. There are many misconceptions concerning the difference between elder neglect and abuse and domestic violence in the elder population. ...

By Dale Brown

The Taunton Daily Gazette, Taunton, MA

By Dale Brown

Posted Aug. 11, 2012 at 12:01 AM
Updated Aug 11, 2012 at 11:02 AM

By Dale Brown

Posted Aug. 11, 2012 at 12:01 AM
Updated Aug 11, 2012 at 11:02 AM

» Social News

Recently, I have been involved in a collaborative process in understanding how to respond to domestic violence and sexual assault against elder women in our community. There are many misconceptions concerning the difference between elder neglect and abuse and domestic violence in the elder population.

Abuse is not acceptable at any age, but let us not minimize and confuse domestic violence as caregiver burnout, the frustration of living with someone who perhaps has dementia or is medically or mentally compromised. Clearly, believing these issues as an underlying reason for abuse or neglect is doing nothing more than validating the abuse.

Research supports the fact that domestic violence rarely begins during the later years in a relationship. The abuse does not mellow, stop or “get better” with age — in fact it often gets worse in later life. Some use the phrase “domestic violence grown old.” As in any healthy intimate relationship, equality and respect are paramount. Power and control have no place in this equation.

Picture for one minute that you are somewhere between the ages of 60 and 80. You are living in a relationship where there is no open communication or safe emotional intimacy. Your opinions and feelings are minimized or ridiculed and you are blamed for all that is not right in the home. There is domination and humiliation and possessiveness. Caretakers, friends and even family members are made to feel unwelcomed in your home. Your partner attempts to turn your adult children against you. You become isolated and no longer participate in community activities or religious functions due to your partner sabotaging any trips or events away from the home.

Perhaps you are too ashamed and embarrassed to face friends, family and clergy. You may hear threats to your safety and emotional stability and may be financially exploited. Your property may be damaged or disposed of because your partner feels “you don’t need that stuff” anymore. There is usually no negotiation or compromise, no shared responsibility or respect, and certainly no trust and support. There are accusations and intimidation. Dignity and self worth are scarce commodities at this point. We have not yet mentioned either physical or sexual violence. Life is unhappy to say the least, but you do not want to leave the home you may have created for several decades at least. It is what you know. It is who you know. It is your life.

Most of the red flags listed can actually apply to all ages. Domestic violence takes on an added dimension however, for older victims. Massachusetts defines “elder” as 60 years of age and older. Baby boomers are now in their 60s. Unique barriers for elders may include the withholding of medication or denying transportation to medical or pharmacy appointments or that weekly Sunday drive. Some elder victims have had adaptive devices moved beyond their reach so that they have even more limited mobility in the home. The fear of being institutionalized and losing any sense of independence is more common with elders.

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Elders have limited economic resources as a couple. As an individual, you may feel that you could never make it financially. In addition, you may be the only person your partner has for companionship and you would feel guilty leaving. It is a challenge to see elder domestic violence through a different lens than observing domestic violence in a relationship which may be decades younger.

What cannot become a cloudy issue however, is the theory of adult protection. People will sometimes ask why the system doesn’t do something about an elder being abused. The right to self determination explains the fact that any person with the cognitive capacity to consent or refuse services has the right to refuse a protective service worker’s attempt to conduct an investigation and provide protective services. Elders especially desire the right to self determination and the least intrusion into their lives by most entities and therefore, protective service workers, domestic violence advocates and others must offer the least restrictive services that will assist in freedom and safety for the victim. In fact, research reflects that freedom rates as more important than safety for many elders. While this may be difficult to accept, it indicates that a person can choose to live in harm if she or he is competent to choose.

How can we help? The current talking point in terms of advocacy is the empowerment model, where personal emotional support is offered and community resources are shared. The person experiencing the abuse must ultimately decide what is best. Shelters are often ill-equipped to care for some elders who may be medically compromised, need adaptive devices or assisted care. Shared chores, changes in routine and lonliness from a partner of many years can be difficult issues for an elder who might be placed in “a safe house.”

Is it likely than an older perpetrator will be arrested and sent to jail? Will we put an aging, perhaps physically ill perpetrator who has lived in his or her home for possibly 60 years out into the streets? Outreach is not geared toward older victims and domestic violence support groups are traditionally geared towards women in their twenties through fifties. Many of these women are attending due to the negative impact of family violence on their children.

Further complicating the issue are the myths of elder abuse. The myth that this is generationally normal, he/she is too old to change, he/she doesn’t remember what he has done or is too frail to do real damage. People also see and excuse the abuse as caused by dementia, Alzheimers, or caretaker stress. The truth is that as we know, domestic violence at any age is about power and control in an intimate relationship.

Remember too, that stressful experiences often manifest themselves through physical reactions. There is no denying that our brain, body and mind are inextricably linked and that what cannot or will not be verbalized is often transformed into a physical ailment. Being mindful of this holistic approach is useful in our work with victims. Victims are ourselves, family, friends and neighbors, not only clients.

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Remember that listening, support and caring are the first steps to assisting a victim.

This information is the result of a positive community collaboration. For further information, contact may be made with: