Why not listen to the aftermath? Includes STAR WARS THEMED versions of regular features Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

Caution! From about 30 minutes in, and after ample verbal warnings, we do spoil some plot details of the film. (Sorry about that).

]]>David F. Porteous and David Candy (who like Star Wars) have been to the movies with sound engineer David Chisholm (who likes football and girls).

Why not listen to the aftermath? Includes STAR WARS THEMED versions of regular features Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

Caution! From about 30 minutes in, and after ample verbal warnings, we do spoil some plot details of the film. (Sorry about that).

]]>01:09:11yesDavid F. Porteous and David Candy (who like Star Wars) have been to the movies with sound engineer David Chisholm (who likes football and girls). Why not listen to the aftermath?bonusS3E6 - Unbelievably, it's more ottersMon, 03 Jul 2017 18:00:55 +0000"I don't know how they got into the air ducts, I just want them out. And don't let Jerry screw you around about how he warned us to put the fine mesh otterwire over the vents because otters are skinnier than they used to be. I don't care. I just want them gone."

This week on Cheerful Despair:

Lies about Leith - a place you've probably never been, and if you rely on the signs, you will never get to

The Ultimate Otters Quiz???

The longest Debate Bag we have ever had

Speculation about the D&D stats for the God of Abraham

David Candy meets the local The Batman for Leith - I bet you thought that wasn't going to be mentioned again, but it was. It's a callback! It's right there, a lesser spotted callback!

....Please like me.

-dfp.

]]>"I don't know how they got into the air ducts, I just want them out. And don't let Jerry screw you around about how he warned us to put the fine mesh otterwire over the vents because otters are skinnier than they used to be. I don't care. I just want them gone."

This week on Cheerful Despair:

Lies about Leith - a place you've probably never been, and if you rely on the signs, you will never get to

The Ultimate Otters Quiz???

The longest Debate Bag we have ever had

Speculation about the D&D stats for the God of Abraham

David Candy meets the local The Batman for Leith - I bet you thought that wasn't going to be mentioned again, but it was. It's a callback! It's right there, a lesser spotted callback!

....Please like me.

-dfp.

]]>01:07:21yescomedy,batman,otter,dfpiiiS3E5 - My Bicycle has a BrexitMon, 26 Jun 2017 06:00:00 +0000"I don't care how many Shannon McNamara has, I am not spending five pounds on another fidget spinner! Why not listen to that stupid podcast instead?"

This week:

We offer our code-breaking services to GCHQ. Uh, you're welcome...

Cheerful Despair remembers Lady Diana the way she would have wanted. With a quiz.

Sir Isaac Newton commits various acts of political self-harm in the name of science!

plus

Will David F Porteous be ostracised by his people for his controversial views on doner meat?

Why not rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast? (That's not a rhetorical question. We expect your answers in writing.)

]]>"I don't care how many Shannon McNamara has, I am not spending five pounds on another fidget spinner! Why not listen to that stupid podcast instead?"

This week:

We offer our code-breaking services to GCHQ. Uh, you're welcome...

Cheerful Despair remembers Lady Diana the way she would have wanted. With a quiz.

Sir Isaac Newton commits various acts of political self-harm in the name of science!

plus

Will David F Porteous be ostracised by his people for his controversial views on doner meat?

Why not rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast? (That's not a rhetorical question. We expect your answers in writing.)]]>49:59yescomedy,bicycle,scotland,chat,edinburgh,sketches,brexitS3E4 - The one where the boys call for another world warMon, 19 Jun 2017 21:09:06 +0000There are only two things that come out of the Cheerful Despair Podcast Studios - steers and episodes of the Cheerful Despair Podcast - and this doesn't look like a steer. Whatever a steer is.

In this episode:

We plot to send people who are in one geographic location to another geographic location

Glenns the vodka man; pushing boys into wells since 1972

David Candy meets another person

Andy Peters shakes a duck corpse in front of a camcorder

The minimum amount of cheating necessary to win

Escape from a Council flat

Plus Cross Quiz and Debate Bag - which we think you like, and that's why we keep doing them.

]]>There are only two things that come out of the Cheerful Despair Podcast Studios - steers and episodes of the Cheerful Despair Podcast - and this doesn't look like a steer. Whatever a steer is.

In this episode:

We plot to send people who are in one geographic location to another geographic location

Glenns the vodka man; pushing boys into wells since 1972

David Candy meets another person

Andy Peters shakes a duck corpse in front of a camcorder

The minimum amount of cheating necessary to win

Escape from a Council flat

Plus Cross Quiz and Debate Bag - which we think you like, and that's why we keep doing them.

]]>01:11:59yesS3E3 - Midnight at the Racist DiscoMon, 12 Jun 2017 21:37:22 +0000Benefiting from many local amenities, this bright and stylish 2-bedroom podcast features tasteful neutral decor and returns for its 15th episode.

This week:

David F Porteous will never get a massage in this town again!

Join the Aryan Brotherhood of Edinburgh Taxi Drivers for a DVD marathon

Will Captain Britain take back control by leaving the League of European Superheroes?

The Cheerful Despair podcast is unable to vouch for the safety of those failing to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname or like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast.]]>01:07:41yescomedy,scotland,chat,edinburgh,sketches,despair,hummus,cheerfulS3E2 - 2010s Open Quotes Cheerful Despair End Quotes PodcastMon, 05 Jun 2017 18:55:50 +0000On this week’s action-packed instalment:

Sign up! - For the Cheerful Despair Academy of Football

Chow down! - On our secret recipe for beans on toast (The second ingredient will shock you!)

Hook up! - With Edinburgh’s sleaziest billboard lion

Blast off! - To a whole new world of cancer, chemical toilets and floating liver aboard the USS Summer Holiday

plus

Tune in! - To the olympiad of automaton combat that’s setting wirelesses aglow across the Empire and Dominions

Now of course it’s entirely up to you, but we've been talking and it really feels like the polite thing for you to do would be to rate us on iTunes. In fact you could follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast too. But remember this is your decision. There’s no pressure.

]]>On this week’s action-packed instalment:

Sign up! - For the Cheerful Despair Academy of Football

Chow down! - On our secret recipe for beans on toast (The second ingredient will shock you!)

Hook up! - With Edinburgh’s sleaziest billboard lion

Blast off! - To a whole new world of cancer, chemical toilets and floating liver aboard the USS Summer Holiday

plus

Tune in! - To the olympiad of automaton combat that’s setting wirelesses aglow across the Empire and Dominions

Now of course it’s entirely up to you, but we've been talking and it really feels like the polite thing for you to do would be to rate us on iTunes. In fact you could follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast too. But remember this is your decision. There’s no pressure.

]]>01:08:21yescomedy,space,scotland,chat,edinburgh,bread,sketches,despair,sticks,cheerfulS3E1 - Cheerful Despair beyond a, but not the, ThunderdomeMon, 29 May 2017 10:15:33 +0000“Jean, when you’re over next weekend, can you ask Mark to look at my phone again? Yeah. It’s that thing with the skeletons. Yeah. It’s come back. Okay. Okay. Thanks love. See you on Saturday.”

On this week’s episode:

Can David F Porteous and David Candy save the world?

Sir Barry Thunderdome wants you to share the rewards of the hit phenomenon that’s set to sweep Australia!

Do the kids think David F Porteous is cool? (They don’t).

Plus! We exclusively reveal Cheerful Despair’s official brand of cigarettes. Then, for health reasons advise you not to smoke them.

Don't forget to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname, like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast and follow us home from the bus stop.

DC

]]>“Jean, when you’re over next weekend, can you ask Mark to look at my phone again? Yeah. It’s that thing with the skeletons. Yeah. It’s come back. Okay. Okay. Thanks love. See you on Saturday.”

On this week’s episode:

Can David F Porteous and David Candy save the world?

Sir Barry Thunderdome wants you to share the rewards of the hit phenomenon that’s set to sweep Australia!

Do the kids think David F Porteous is cool? (They don’t).

Plus! We exclusively reveal Cheerful Despair’s official brand of cigarettes. Then, for health reasons advise you not to smoke them.

Don't forget to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname, like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast and follow us home from the bus stop.

DC

]]>01:09:30yesS2E6 - Take your unaccompanied singing back where you came from!Fri, 11 Nov 2016 16:10:43 +0000Season two of my favourite podcast comes to an end in typical style with a flurry of racism, and a battery of insults directed at anonymous/famous man Chet Hanks. Join us in wondering what he ever did to deserve this.

It can't be miserable optimism - so it must be Cheerful Despair! #NotMyTagLine

(Episode recorded in July 2016, before Earth's last reserves of hope were depleted).

]]>Season two of my favourite podcast comes to an end in typical style with a flurry of racism, and a battery of insults directed at anonymous/famous man Chet Hanks. Join us in wondering what he ever did to deserve this.

It can't be miserable optimism - so it must be Cheerful Despair! #NotMyTagLine

(Episode recorded in July 2016, before Earth's last reserves of hope were depleted).

]]>01:07:15yesS2E5 - The Salmon-Flavoured Cat Food Themed Episode (But Not Really)Thu, 15 Sep 2016 22:47:20 +0000Cheerful Despair, that pod-cast you forgot you subscribed to, returns. It's honestly better just to listen and not make a scene. We'll just leave a small tip and not eat here again.

This time:

Have your sandwiches been Phil-ed?

Wow! In a new segment, we meet John, an extraordinary individual.

Also! David F. Porteous (who was educated by the state) is taught how to pass the port.

Plus! We invent a new trendy artisan snack for hipsters, then foolishly share the idea with the internet. (Do not steal our genuinely quite good snack idea for which we have no legal protection. Thanks.)

Good night and good truck.

-DC. For, and on behalf of, DFP.

]]>Cheerful Despair, that pod-cast you forgot you subscribed to, returns. It's honestly better just to listen and not make a scene. We'll just leave a small tip and not eat here again.

This time:

Have your sandwiches been Phil-ed?

Wow! In a new segment, we meet John, an extraordinary individual.

Also! David F. Porteous (who was educated by the state) is taught how to pass the port.

Plus! We invent a new trendy artisan snack for hipsters, then foolishly share the idea with the internet. (Do not steal our genuinely quite good snack idea for which we have no legal protection. Thanks.)

Good night and good truck.

-DC. For, and on behalf of, DFP.

]]>47:34yescomedy,scottish,scotland,candy,edinburgh,despair,catfood,porteous,cheefulS2E4 - The Star Trek / Hate-Themed EpisodeSun, 17 Jul 2016 14:22:48 +0000Welcome to another episode of Cheerful Despair - the podcast about how Star Trek the Next Generation has too many damn nerds. (This is the sound of the internet eating itself).

On this episode:

An initial half hour about Star Trek, which you can easily skip

Noel Edmunds magic box that cures cancer

I loved David Candy, he smelled of mould

Remember when Prince Adam came to Scotland?

They're like baby pigeons

That's clever enough for religion

And regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag

Until next time - may your trucks bring all the boys to the yard.

- dfp.

]]>Welcome to another episode of Cheerful Despair - the podcast about how Star Trek the Next Generation has too many damn nerds. (This is the sound of the internet eating itself).

On this episode:

An initial half hour about Star Trek, which you can easily skip

Noel Edmunds magic box that cures cancer

I loved David Candy, he smelled of mould

Remember when Prince Adam came to Scotland?

They're like baby pigeons

That's clever enough for religion

And regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag

Until next time - may your trucks bring all the boys to the yard.

- dfp.

]]>01:10:35yesS2E3 - The Brexit Themed Episode (But Not Really)Mon, 13 Jun 2016 06:45:42 +0000As relentless as the passing of time and the approach of a referendum on the political destiny of this Moderately Good Britain - so arrives another episode of Cheerful Despair, featuring:

The actual sound of regular segment Cross Quiz being written

Dried Homeless food

My favourite colour is anarchy

The actual sound of regular segment Debate Bag being written

Elon Musk vs Romanians working in Subway

How one man's hatred of furry animals gave us Velcro (other hook and loop fasteners are available)

Government will soon send you a letter explaining why you should listen to Cheerful Despair, but the Daily Mail thinks we're crap.

Trucking - Excelsior!

- dfp

]]>As relentless as the passing of time and the approach of a referendum on the political destiny of this Moderately Good Britain - so arrives another episode of Cheerful Despair, featuring:

The actual sound of regular segment Cross Quiz being written

Dried Homeless food

My favourite colour is anarchy

The actual sound of regular segment Debate Bag being written

Elon Musk vs Romanians working in Subway

How one man's hatred of furry animals gave us Velcro (other hook and loop fasteners are available)

Government will soon send you a letter explaining why you should listen to Cheerful Despair, but the Daily Mail thinks we're crap.

Trucking - Excelsior!

- dfp

]]>53:33yesS2E2 - The Middle Eastern Themed Episode (But Not Really)Mon, 06 Jun 2016 00:19:22 +0000With profuse apologies for the failure to keep our promises for weekly uploading - even though we specifically say in this episode that this is a thing which is happening - here is a bumper episode to make up for it.

Featuring regular segments Debate Bag and Cross Quiz, plus:

The former artist currently known as Prince - better or worse than your mum?

David Candy's obsession with the past

You're Pavloving yourself

The Power of Greyskull is self-confidence

He's got a pint of whole milk down his trousers

Sincere requests for you to send pictures of humus to @dfpiii. Please send pictures of humus. Do not send actual humus. We cannot stress this enough - do not send actual humus.

Resume trucking.

-dfp

]]>With profuse apologies for the failure to keep our promises for weekly uploading - even though we specifically say in this episode that this is a thing which is happening - here is a bumper episode to make up for it.

Featuring regular segments Debate Bag and Cross Quiz, plus:

The former artist currently known as Prince - better or worse than your mum?

David Candy's obsession with the past

You're Pavloving yourself

The Power of Greyskull is self-confidence

He's got a pint of whole milk down his trousers

Sincere requests for you to send pictures of humus to @dfpiii. Please send pictures of humus. Do not send actual humus. We cannot stress this enough - do not send actual humus.

Resume trucking. -dfp]]>01:22:37yesS2E1 - The James Bond Themed Episode (But Not Really)Mon, 25 Apr 2016 06:15:29 +0000Hurtling straight at your ears like a bullet from a golden gun (which, presumably is either less dangerous or certainly no more dangerous than a bullet from a gun made of another metal) it's the Cheerful Despair Podcast!

In the first episode of our magnificent second series you can expect to hear:

Donald Trump's views on crimes committed by fictional characters played by the actor Tom Hanks;

Time travel and racism;

David Candy's favourite colour - you'll have to listen to find out, but it's shocking. You will be shocked by this one colour-liking fact;

and all the usual schtick including Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

An innovation for this series: this episode is being broadcast before we record episode two. If you have a theme you'd like us to discuss or a question you want us to answer, please submit them on twitter to @dfpiii

]]>Hurtling straight at your ears like a bullet from a golden gun (which, presumably is either less dangerous or certainly no more dangerous than a bullet from a gun made of another metal) it's the Cheerful Despair Podcast!

In the first episode of our magnificent second series you can expect to hear:

Donald Trump's views on crimes committed by fictional characters played by the actor Tom Hanks;

Time travel and racism;

David Candy's favourite colour - you'll have to listen to find out, but it's shocking. You will be shocked by this one colour-liking fact;

and all the usual schtick including Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

An innovation for this series: this episode is being broadcast before we record episode two. If you have a theme you'd like us to discuss or a question you want us to answer, please submit them on twitter to @dfpiii

]]>53:24yesSeason 1, Episode 6Mon, 08 Feb 2016 21:15:42 +0000Few dared dream that when we began posting podcast episodes that one day we would have posted six and that would be the end of season one - but that event and that day have arrived.

In the final episode of Cheerful Despair, prepare yourselves for:

Everyone involved to become sad and frustrated with the whole process, to say nothing of their lives

The Ultimate Slavery Quiz

A desperate appeal for you to love us

Until we meet again, possibly in a future life, in a parallel universe, don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day, keep on trucking.

DFP.

]]>Few dared dream that when we began posting podcast episodes that one day we would have posted six and that would be the end of season one - but that event and that day have arrived.

In the final episode of Cheerful Despair, prepare yourselves for:

Everyone involved to become sad and frustrated with the whole process, to say nothing of their lives

The Ultimate Slavery Quiz

A desperate appeal for you to love us

Until we meet again, possibly in a future life, in a parallel universe, don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day, keep on trucking.

DFP.

]]>38:30yesSeason 1, Episode 5Mon, 01 Feb 2016 20:11:38 +0000Welcome to the fifth and second to final episode of season one of the Cheerful Despair podcast. In this episode:

An extended discussion on the bum hose;

All the lyrics to Katy Perry songs we know;

Do you remember the Crazy Frog? I remember the Crazy Frog. I remember the screams;

One or more Draculas and a Frankenstein and a Herby Goes Bananas;

I couldn't even tell you if there is a Blue Peter any more;

Do you remember when I killed myself?

REMEMBER TO RATE THIS BASTARD PODCAST. And none of this four stars or below shit. Get on the iTunes, give it five stars, or I'm going to glue your pets to the ceiling.

Much truck.

DFP.

]]>Welcome to the fifth and second to final episode of season one of the Cheerful Despair podcast. In this episode:

An extended discussion on the bum hose;

All the lyrics to Katy Perry songs we know;

Do you remember the Crazy Frog? I remember the Crazy Frog. I remember the screams;

One or more Draculas and a Frankenstein and a Herby Goes Bananas;

I couldn't even tell you if there is a Blue Peter any more;

Do you remember when I killed myself?

REMEMBER TO RATE THIS BASTARD PODCAST. And none of this four stars or below shit. Get on the iTunes, give it five stars, or I'm going to glue your pets to the ceiling.

Almost certainly some kind of reference to Hitler and / or time travel

If you enjoy the show, then remember to rate us on those ratings sites they have now. Or just send money.

Please begin trucking.

DFP.

]]>Welcome to the fourth episode of Cheerful Despair, subtitled "the episode I uploaded without re-listening to". In this episode:

Things

Various stuff

Almost certainly some kind of reference to Hitler and / or time travel

If you enjoy the show, then remember to rate us on those ratings sites they have now. Or just send money.

Please begin trucking.

DFP.

]]>43:08yespodcast,time,travel,funny,humor,stuff,hitler,uncertain,possibly,dfpiii,porteous,dfpSeason 1, Episode 3Mon, 18 Jan 2016 07:00:00 +0000The third episode Cheerful Despair has arrived, this one subtitled "There are just too many things for all of them to be things at once".

In this episode of David Candy and David F Porteous's yet-to-be-award-winning podcast:

The global conspiracy about vaccines

Powering through with a mix of Nespresso and Cialis

For every day that I grew a beard I had less of a home

E.T. suffered from Stockholm syndrome

Paranoid and frightened all the time, and very, very needy

Pandas are useless

Leave comments, rate and - most important of all - subscribe for future episodes.

Do not truck unless it is safe to do so.

DFP.

]]>The third episode Cheerful Despair has arrived, this one subtitled "There are just too many things for all of them to be things at once".

In this episode of David Candy and David F Porteous's yet-to-be-award-winning podcast:

The global conspiracy about vaccines

Powering through with a mix of Nespresso and Cialis

For every day that I grew a beard I had less of a home

E.T. suffered from Stockholm syndrome

Paranoid and frightened all the time, and very, very needy

Pandas are useless

Leave comments, rate and - most important of all - subscribe for future episodes.

Do not truck unless it is safe to do so.

DFP.

]]>38:53yesblack,comedy,humour,dfpiii,dfpSeason 1, Episode 2Mon, 11 Jan 2016 21:14:56 +0000Welcome to the second episode, subtitled: "If Stephen Hawking could walk, he'd never have got a film made about him."

In this episode:

The syphilis of Adam Smith

Governor wanted, must have own wig

How am I going to build a proper commemoration plaque on my Hitler shrine if I don't know his birthday?

The golden whores of London

And remember, guys - as I always say - continue to truck, if you have already begun to truck, otherwise do not begin trucking.

DFP

]]>Welcome to the second episode, subtitled: "If Stephen Hawking could walk, he'd never have got a film made about him."

In this episode:

The syphilis of Adam Smith

Governor wanted, must have own wig

How am I going to build a proper commemoration plaque on my Hitler shrine if I don't know his birthday?

The golden whores of London

And remember, guys - as I always say - continue to truck, if you have already begun to truck, otherwise do not begin trucking.

DFP

]]>41:03yesSeason 1, Episode 1 - "I worry that something like this has the potential to turn me into a Hitler-like figure"Tue, 29 Dec 2015 22:11:24 +0000In the inaugural episode of the Cheerful Despair podcast, David Candy and Scottish Author David F Porteous discuss:

Why chickens taste of nothing

That df never needs to p

The evil plans of the World Dryer Corporation

Featuring regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

]]>In the inaugural episode of the Cheerful Despair podcast, David Candy and Scottish Author David F Porteous discuss:

Why chickens taste of nothing

That df never needs to p

The evil plans of the World Dryer Corporation

Featuring regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

]]>35:10yesfunny,comedy,david,evil,world,cross,candy,debate,corporation,f,quiz,chat,bag,chicken,dryer,plans,urination,dfpiii,mrdfpiii,porteousWelcome to our podcastTue, 29 Dec 2015 21:28:26 +0000Join two men on the right side of middle age and the wrong side of clinical obesity as they talk about basically nothing. Be disturbed by their absurd views and alarmed by how much you agree with them. For thirty minutes anything goes - this is cheerful despair.

Scottish author David F Porteous is approximately one half of Cheerful Despair, find out more about him at his website http://www.dfpiii.com

Feedback about the show is always welcome on Twitter @dfpiii. Our first season will begin shortly and will air weekly until it stops.

Keep on Truckin'*

DFP

* Keep on Truckin' is not the way I plan to sign-off on any of these updates in future.

]]>Join two men on the right side of middle age and the wrong side of clinical obesity as they talk about basically nothing. Be disturbed by their absurd views and alarmed by how much you agree with them. For thirty minutes anything goes - this is cheerful despair.

Scottish author David F Porteous is approximately one half of Cheerful Despair, find out more about him at his website http://www.dfpiii.com