Penitentiary of Loss

I hate my job and my job hates me. The few family members who remain in my life are worthless masses of matter who feel they are too good for me. They ignore my calls and when we run into each other they avoid me as if I had leprosy. The only people that I actually care about were stolen away from me by some egotistical prick. Just today, I found out my kids love him more than me.

My life is shit.

I am tired. I’m just so fucking tired of it all.

The only solace I found was at church but it’s not enough anymore. The weight of pain is far greater than the weight of pleasure, if any strands of pleasure even exist at this point. I try everything I can do to help remove the cloud of misery that hunts me, but nothing seems to help.

I want to escape this cage of darkness.

I imagine anointing myself with a hard metallic metal against my forehead. I want to glide my index finger down to the trigger, take a deep breath, and blast my head away!

Left on the indifferent floor, would be a cold dead body marinating in my cold dead blood. The entrails of my brain would garnish what’s left of my face.

It’s funny, because the bill collectors would notice I am long gone before my kids notice Daddy has killed himself.

Meanwhile, my other family members would no longer have to hide or press “deny” on their cells when I call.

I suppose after my death I wouldn’t feel anything. I wouldn’t be full, nor empty, I’d just be… nothing.

Nothing…

Life is a penitentiary of loss.

But suicide is a sin. If I kill myself my afterlife would be no better than the physical life I am in now.
I know no other escape. I have to ask my lord, the devotion to him is all I have left.

So I prayed, I prayed for help and this time God actually responded.

I asked him to show me the way and he replied with a loaded gun.

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If you are in the US, you can’t go 25 feet without finding a loaded gun, I wouldn’t call that a sign. 🙂 Then again, maybe the sign is; “Yes, it’s a choice, but so is living everyday. Make the choice to make your life meaningful to yourself, f*ck everyone else”. It is always darkest, just before the dawn.