Secrets of Area 51: Revealed!

The US government has just formally, officially acknowledged the existence of Nevada’s infamous “Area 51” – where some believe an alien spacecraft crashed in the early 1950’s – saying that it was a base for the development of U2 spy planes.

What does this acknowledgement mean?

This lovely couple can finally reveal that their last name isn’t actually “Johnson.” It’s “Fredericks.”

The residents of Area 51 can finally get their mail that’s been backlogging for 60 years.

That all across the world, thousands of U2 fans are saying, “Oh, so that’s what the name means?”

The reason the UFO crashed? Totally drunk. Apparently the first words uttered to humanity as they aliens emerged from the wreckage was, “S’okay. S’okay. Lemme jus’ back it up. Ssshhhh. S’okay. Iss just a scratch. ‘L polish right out. Ssshhhhh.”

The site is actually named for Lt. Col. Arnold Rea51.

Conspiracy theorists everywhere will be calling middle-of-the-night talk shows to say, “Well, the government said it’s for spy planes, so I guess that clears that up. No aliens. No cover up.”

It might mean Bono is a space alien. I’m not sure.

Some poor archivist has to go through 60 years of redacted documents with little pieces of tape and write “area 51” over the blackened places.

What? Am I wrong?

Those poor aliens can finally leave Nevada and find out that they managed to crash in the worst area… well… anywhere. Like, in the universe.

Wait a second, U2 spy planes? That means that at some point in our history the US has been spying! On other countries!

What are they hiding at all the other “areas”? 50 more to go, US government!

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

That’d be the best part of being a conspiracy theorist – everything validates your belief. “Here is concrete, irrefutable proof that Oswald killed JFK and acted alone.”
“Well, there you go. Only the CIA could create this quality of false evidence.”

My wife and I went to a U2 concert last year and he took off the glasses! He sang a song for his father, who’d died, and he took off the glasses for it because, he said, his dad always hated the sunglasses gimmick. It was a surprisingly touching moment.

I’m not sure why it took them so long to acknowledge Area 51… they already did so in “Independence Day.” Sheesh. I have to admit for a minute there I was getting Area 51 confused with Roswell but that’s a whole other can of aliens. I’m all sorted out now. Thanks for correcting that for me.

Um, isn’t it well known that the aliens landed there for all of the available sex via prostitutes and brothels? I saw a sign for Area 51 right next to the brothel sign that advertised hot sauce and souvenirs. Hey, wait!! Maybe the aliens were looking for a new market for their sexcapades!! Who else would combine hot sauce with sex? And who else would attempt to sell sex in the middle of freaking nowhere??