Messages - Philgood63

Hey Nation. I would like to share a few facts, because it may help someone else, and also because it helps me to write it of course ! A few weeks ago I noticed that the Facebook messenger app on my phone was proposing some very strange words while I was writing, some words... totally innapropriate in any normal conversation, then I figured out that this f**king app had taken these words from an old search I made on porn sites, which I did inside a private page, because I don't want my phone or my computer to remind me of these pages, that would be huge trigger. And then Facebook does not care about any "private" status and randomly grabs some words to propose them to you, later !!! As soon as I saw this I cleaned all files and now I'm sure I'll never use my phone again for this, sure ! And concerning the computer ? Well, it seems that it does not behave this way, but... now I'm very cautious about these things, and once again, that's a new motivation to eject this crap out of my life. Something else : when I did watch porn (well, yes, I did, I'm not healed yet ) I noticed that at first I'm attracted by girls and then after a few minutes I'm in a kind of fuzzy state where I don't know what I prefer. I know it's called HOCD and I learned about it on YBOP site, but feeling it myself is totally different from reading it, and it puts me in a very creepy mood, with shame interlaced with disgust... Erk, never again ! That's not me, definitly, and I don't want PMO to make me something I'm not.

Thanks Gunner, I totally agree with the fact that we need to re-invent the way we live and behave, and the way we replace that old shitty pathway by new ones. I draw a little poster just in front of my computer which represents all the things I like to do and that I forget when old pathways take control, so that when I have doubts, I take a look at this and I remember "oh f**k yeah, I should rather grab my guitar and play", or anything else, and, well, that works. 11 days cleared now, and even if I'm well aware it's not only about the number of days, that gives me strength to figure out that I can stay away from porn for a "long" time, I mean, a much longer time than I used to in the past. That's cool to figure out that I spent more time away from porn these latest days than I did for let's say... twenty years probably... maybe thirty... That's amazing when you think of it. So, that helps me to count the days right now, but I know it's not the point, I know I need to replace all this crap by healthier way of life, and I'm glad to see that it's true, I do things today that I would have not even tried in the past. More : I achieve things that I would have not dared to fail at in the past ! (not sure my sentence is grammatically correct but I think everyone catches what I mean !)

"Going Nowhere", was singing the irish rock band Therapy? in the 90's, that's exactly what I feel when I get back to PMO. That may be "cool" at the very instant, for a few seconds or minutes, and then you realize that you are "nowhere", at least on a road that you don't want to travel. And it's a long way getting back to the crossroad where you can choose again... For me the most difficult thing now is that I reached this level where PMO does not surround me any more, but it's still here, and it may look innoffensive. It's not of course, so I have to do what it takes to kick it out of my life once and for all.

Still walking this path... Still much progress to do, but I'm now in a state in which I don't live for PMO. That's still here, but it's not the center of my life any more, and I feel it's important step. I used to wake up every morning thinking of "it", you know, every morning, and now I just figure out how lame it was, how pathetic I was, and I know I've made huge progress to take this away from my life, so I'm sure I can totally make it.

Time for a milestone along this road, I think. It's been a long time since I did not hang up there, and back in the game I feel that everything I said, and any of you folks said, in my thread or in the whole Reboot Nation site, is clearly TRUE. I do not just read it, say it, or understand it, I FEEL it, that's quite different. And I feel that it's more than worth doing it, and starting from scratch again and again and again, I don't care, we don't care, cos' starting again and again is just the true path. I feel that I'm more real than I was before, and more THERE than I ever used to be. By the way, 2 weeks ago I met a woman and we were really in tune, and then she told me "let's stay friends" and I'm OK with this, I don't care, I need as many - if not more - friends than I need a woman in the sense people usually understand it. If I come to "need a woman", today that sounds to me as lame as "I need to watch porn", you know ? I don't "need a woman", I need hanging up with people I like and who like me, I need talking with people that are interesting to talk with, I need to feel happy fellows around me, I don't need to listen to my limbic brain that only wants "this", you know, this "thing". What's the point ? Is life just filling and then emptying my testicles ?? WTF ? I need to live, I don't need to fullfil my prehistoric urges. Thanks Nation, take care, all of you.

Thanks a lot TakeActionNow, your words are right, that's exactly the point : living something that is real, genuine. These days I have the feeling that it's quite related with meditation. I mean, it's not necessary to use meditation to reach this, but the thing that meditation aims at is necessary : being there, in the instant, being myself, being a "whole" and not just a body and a mind, separated one from each other. Of course porn is not the only cause, there are many other things in our life that keeps us far from the instant, and dissociated, but definitly porn is a piece of the puzzle, because it perfectly fits with the "virtual" life we are most of us living, I say "virtual" having the meaning of something that is not true, not there, not now (to my opinion there are things on the web that are true, there, and now, and there are things we can touch that are untrue, not there, not now). I want to re-gain something that is true and I know it only can be achieved through an effort. Thanks again, man, and all of you down here, let's do this.

Once again I have to write something that will probably seem strange at least, or maybe provocative, or even totally pretentious and dumb. But that's not my aim, that's really what I feel today : I am under the impression that I have seen e-very-thing on the net that is porn ! Well, I mean, of course (and fortunately for me !) I have not really seen everything, but when I come to fail and look at this, everything looks the same to me, and I quickly lose any interest for this stuff, it's as boring as to breathe air. Even things that may be "new" look like "always the same shit", and in a way, that's true... What would be really "new" for me would be to get my fingers out of my ass and go meet real people ! Yeah, I'm gonna do this.

May sound odd, but I more and more appreciate the fact that it's difficult, tricky, long and uncomfortable. That's probably the only thing I've ever made in my life that is difficult on purpose, and - once again it's odd to say this - that makes me feel alive. In a sense it's like that Ministry song that Johnny Cash fantastically covers (I think it can be heard in the Logan movie soundtrack), which says somthing like "Today I hurt myself, just to see if I still feel, if I was still alive", and that's more or less the feeling I experience. I feel it helps me.

Looks like it's time for a little check-in there. First of all, to say again and again that I'm not down. I've had great progress since last months. Partly thanks to the Fortify Program. That's not much, that's most of the time just reminders of the situation, the ways to fight, the things that we can gain in this effort... but I feel it's worth remembering this for me, from time to time, and Fortify helps me in this task. Especially the included tracker is very positive-minded to my opinion, because it shows me more progress than failures, and that makes me feel better. Now I feel as if I was in the middle of the battlefield : I've been gaining inches then feets of ground thorough the days of battle, and now it's too late for getting back, my only option is to keeping moving forward, as slowly as it can be, nevermind, I keep on progressing. Do I feel more energy, or something else ? Well, to be honnest, right now, I don't know. I don't feel that bad, nor great, I think once again that I'm in the middle of something, that's fuzzy, that's foggy, a little bit chaotic, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I can see it.Take care all of you.

I'm in a f**king mood today, I just feel angry against all that shit, that industry that f**ked me, all those b**ches that look the same to me, all those f**ing p**n sites that are also all the same, all that time I wasted for this, and finally : against myself, who did this on my own, like a f**king rat in a laboratory that does the crappy things that mad scientists imagined, falling into the f**king trap those motherf**ers designed ! You know, always the same old thing : "despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage"... but I want this to change, f**k, I shall be more clever than a f**king rat or what ? So, let's prove this, man...

Hanging on there because I felt I was in need to read some stories similar to mine... I did 14-days streak a few time ago and I'm determined to be better than that now. I think I can do it, but I have to keep in mind what are my real goals, especially feeling better, more connected to life, even if I do not gain anything alse, that's an experience I still want to live.

Now 7 days since I felt so bad and I say it again : Bad things happen to me after each of my pon binges ! So what ? Paranormal phenomena ? Nope, I think it can easily be explain : each time I binge, I let myself be... less. Less into the instant, less caring about my dignity (or what it's left of...), less human in a way. Less ready to make any effort. Less myself maybe. Anyway, that's totally clear to me : there is an effect, any time I touch myself too much, I become someone I don't like to be. I'm really determined to stop being that douchebag, so the only way is reboot. No pain, no gain !

I've tried to "surf the urges" as recommended from here to here, and I totally failed : urges have surfed me. So much that now I'm fu**ed again, sticked into tha gloomy putty shit, bwaaaa.... And something I noticed once again and which is totally anything but scientifical : I have f**cking bad luck any time after my binge periods. I feel bad, and bad things happen to me, most of the time not big issues, but simply some small but unpleasant things, which remind me that my own place is not here, that I'm just dog shit which sticks to the soles of humanity, something like that. OK, I stop with complaining and saying lame things, but you get the idea. For a reason I totally ignore, shaking too much my dick makes me feel bad in real life, that's clear. My conclusion : let's stop surfing the urges, let's f**k them ! Waaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr....

Some fresh news, not bad, I'm still walking through my path to a new life (yeah that sounds a little bit emphazing but in a way that's true). Of course I still fail sometimes but I recently reached 12 days clear and it was a long time since I didn't do so well. Now I have 5 days clear and still counting, and I think I am in a good vibe. The fact that I use the Fortify program from association Fight The New Drug helps me, maybe because I paid for it, that's not a big amount of money (especially if you compare it with what you can earn, which is priceless !) but I think it definitly sets my brain in a more proactive mode. Sometimes it recalls me "Hey man, if you paid for this program it means you did consider this battle as something important for you and your life, right ? And if it was important for you in that very moment, that's probably still important for you right now, even if your f**king limbic brain tries to convince you that it's not..." Of course I don't say that it's the only option, but for me the "package" Reboot-Nation + Fortify Program is efficient. I was losing my faith after almost 2 years of struggle, and it gave me a boost. Anyway, whichever is the method, it's always up to me to make it come true and effective.

Yep, you're probably right, I'll check for this. I've tried to work with a group on other issues on latest months and it definitly help me moving on. I have to try this again, by the way, that's more general than sex-related issues but that's useful also. i see this as a global improvement.

Hey man, you don't have to feel sorry because you're depressed and shere it, do not worry ! We are all depressed in a way, and that's much better to recognize it, and share it here, than to deny it. We're all depressed for many reasons, and if not, anyway the process itself to quit the addiction make us depressed, that's normal. Keep on going, you're doing right, we're all doing right !

Congrats, man, that's great to set goals, and quite efficient, I totally agree with you. Some may say that setting goals is not enough to reach them, that's right, but if we never set them, that even worse ! To my opinion that's a way to commit to something and have a reflexion about the way we may reach the goal, so that's definitly positive.Happy new year to you, take care and keep on fighting, bro.

Thanks David, I'm very pleased that you found my thread helpful, that's nice to hear !

You may be right concerning the fact of being lonely and the supporting groups meetings. The fact is that I hadn't figured out that I was talking so much about my loneliness, so thanks for pointing this, that may help me. I'm used to loneliness, I've always lived alone and never waited for someone else to live and make things I like in life, thanksfully, but of course when it comes to sex and all that's related to, well... that's an issue, or at least that's quite different (I mean, being alone or not). Maybe in another life I would have never had to deal with such issue as PMO addiction... Well, anyway, there's no "another life", so, let's look at this one : Yes it's true I can't tell about this problem to anyone and that's a problem.

I have lots of good friends, but that's just a subject we can't talk about, I don't know how to say, but noone talks about this here... Oh yes, I forgot to mention, I don't live in USA, I live in France and... you know, sometimes (most of the times ?) it takes time for things (whether they're good or bad by the way) to cross the seas ! We had high-speed internet later than in USA (I don't know exactly but I think the difference was around 2 or 3 years for "average" people like me) and in a way that probably "protected" us from this addiction, and I guess that's why today noone talks about this here, it seems that almost noone knows it's a problem, and none cares about this.

I tried to talk about this to my therapist, she's a woman, she's smart and graduated in psychology, and guess what she said to me ? "What's the problem ? Keep on fapping until death watching at porn if it makes you feel good at the moment. Why bother ?" !!! You can imagine how disapointed I was... So, I try to have a look at this, but I don't think I can find SA meetings near my home, or at least their point is not about internet, these meetings exist, but that's people who can't help but f**king with their neighbour instead of their partner... definitly not my problem ! I think I will try again to talk about this to my therapist and try to make her have a look at YBOP, I'm quite sure she doesn't know about this, and that may help both of us ! Yep, I like this idea, I'll do this.

You-hou !! Three days completed !! I am the king of the woooooorrrrrrld !

Nope, joking, I'm not even the king of my bedroom, but the Fortify program delivers me a kind of badge when completing 3 days so I feel nice... and a little bit bitter to be honnest, because that souds very lame when you really think of it : "Hey people listen, I'm very proud of myself, because it's 3 days since I've not tried to numb myself in a totally degrading and useless activity in order not to face the little problems of my everyday life !"... Wow, you're really a winner, dude. Well, anyway, that's no use being bitter, I'm here, and at this point of my life, yes 3 days without bullshit is a nice situation. Let's appreciate it and move on !

Still on my way... still some relapses... fact is that I don't even get any pleasure from this, I mean, I used to have pleasure in this, I confess, even if I already knew it was "bad" (sorry I'm lacking for a better word !), well, at the very moment, that was nice. Now, that's even not, I'm just forced to do it, I can't help but doing it and doing it until its end, but that's as pleasant as to dig a hole or washing the plates (which I'd better do, by the way !). That's pure pulsion, pure addiction, there's no point at all in doing it... The worst is that it hurts ! Yeah, as lousy and lame it may sound, that's truth : that's really painful and my dick yells "hey you up there, stop your bullshit, it huuuurts !". Yes true, I heart it. So... what's up now ? Well, nothing new under the sun, I just have to get back to the basics, stay calm, read and read again the articles in YBOP, meditate (well, kind of, I don't pretend to be a monk), doing useful things in my house, maybe getting out... yeah, getting ot would be nice option !

Oh yes sure, Anothertry, definitely my life is better right now than when I was almost just living for PMO !! I'm more confident, more calm, more loaded with faith (whereas when I was PMOing all days I was just able to wonder when I would kill myself...), I do more things, I enjoy more little things (and of course I also feel the bad times with more intensity, but hey that's life as well), I can appreciate to be myself sometimes, wheras in the past I was just wishing I was someone else... many differences with "before", for sure ! And since a few weeks I can say that my brain is rewiring, considering that - even if it's still not healed - it has different reactions, different ways of thinking than when I was stuck into PMO. I still encounter urges, but they do not seem to be unbeatable any more. I still have flashes of P scenes, but it's less intense. It looks like my brain now knows that there are other ways to feel fine, even if it still considers that PMO is one of them. But it's not the only one any more and clearly that makes difference. I know road is still long, and I will still need help from my therapist, from my friends, from all of you guys here, but I'm sure I'll get through this. Thanks to all of you on the forum and take care.

Some news. First thanks jjacks, your words are true, "we are better than that". I deeply believe in this fact, even if - sadly - sometimes this thing is better than me, I mean, better at playing this mind game. I had highs and lows since 15 days, and I "lost" sometimes, but still there is progress, as I can now withstand the 5 days of the week quite easily. I know that's not amazing, but for me that's definitly a progress and - I hope - a milestone. Now I have to work on saturdays and sundays... Usually I have strange and quite upsetting dreams on Friday evening, which really f**k my mind and lead me to fail on saturday morning. I know the process, I know when it occurs, but I'm still stumbling on the trap and get into it each time... OK that makes me sad at the moment, but I don't say I will stumble on this for the rest of my life, I still have faith. I think I'm really lacking the presence of a woman but I know I'm not the only one in this case and that's no excuse. Anyway if I don't change anything, nothing will change on its own, right ?

Thank you so much guys ! Right now I really needed to hear some friendly voices on the forum, from folks who fight the same demons and know how f**king hard it is, I really appreciate your support indeed ! Sure I hope I won't lose my sense of humour, which has been my best partner in life until now, and God knows it had to help me so many times. But that's OK, I don't like to complain and whine about my fate, which is not so bad though. I have issues, but I also enjoy some good things in life, I have strong relationship with my friends, I have a job which is not the worst on this planet... so what else ? Why complain ? This issue is a real one, this drug is a real one, this fight is for real, sure, but I'm still convinced that many men and women have already faced, and still face today, tougher issues, and if they did not win any time, they sure faced the issue, they fighted and did not give up. We probably are not so weak than we sometimes think, we just need to find where are our ressources. I think I found them, I think I can do this and I'm sure every of us here can do it. Thanks to all of you, and take care !

8 days and I feel a little bit horny. Not really upsetting, but I start thinking of "it". The Fortify program helps me having a "line", kind of a pilot light. And more of all I know that - if I ever fail - I will just f**k up my time and I don't want this any more ! Now I don't think so much of the number of days in a row that I would lose, worst is the time that is lost, because I can't regain it. I think I can handle this a few days more, and then I hope I'll reach the flatline, which I like a lot.

Congrats Harpoon, you did it ! That's nice to see your here, at the 90-days milestone. I've been reaching it last year, and it was really hard just after, probably because my limbic brain had a new strategy to f**k me up, kind of "hey, you did it, now you can have a rest and release your efforts, right ?" so stay strong my friend ! (I did not, and now I'm still here to struggle...)