Giggles for the day..again..

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

'Well, she's there.'

Now i am going to run..not walk outta here.. nothing worse then a woman's wrath!!! Hope it made you smile a tiny bit…

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A man walks into a bank and announces "this is a robbery, everyone lay face down on the floor" He glanced over at the guard who was reaching for his gun but the robber shot first and killed the guard. He then notice two men looking up at him and asked if they saw what he did? The first man said yes so the robber killed him. He then asked the second, did you see what I did?? and the man replied no I didn't but my wife did. LOL LOL LOL.

Here's one for all to enjoy. back in 1987 my Grandma Jones died and then the same night we had a knocking at the door when my Dad answered the door he fainted after we heard Grandmas voice say it is about time you answered this door, it's raining and dark out here.She always said any one to cross her while alive would live to rue the day they crossed her. A few other family members said they saw her also at different times over the years since, or heard her.My brother Randy refused to babysit any more in my home because of her pouring out his beer, turning on and off lights, chains rattling and such. LOL

>> This is a story about a> couple who had been> happily married for years.> The only friction in> their marriage was the> husband's habit of farting> loudly every morning when> he awoke.>> The noise would wake his> wife and the smell would> make her eyes water and> make her gasp for air.>> Every morning she would> plead with him to stop> ripping them off because> it was making her sick.> He told her he couldn't> stop it and that it was> perfectly natural. She> told him to see a doctor;> she was concerned that> one day he would blow his> guts out.>> The years went by and he> continued to blast them> out!>> Then one Thanksgiving> morning as she was> preparing the turkey for> dinner and he was> upstairs sound asleep, she> looked at the bowl where> she h ad put the turkey> innards and neck, gizzard,> liver and all the spare> parts and a malicious> thought came to her.>> She took the bowl and> went upstairs where her> husband was sound asleep> and, gently pulling back> the bed covers, she pulled> back the elastic waistband> of his underpants and> emptied the bowl of turkey> guts into his shorts.>> Some time later she heard> her husband waken with his> usual trumpeting which> was followed by a blood> curdling scream and the> sound of frantic footsteps> as he ran into the> bathroom.>> The wife could hardly> control herself as she> rolled on the floor> laughing, tears in her> eyes!>> After years of torture> she reckoned she had got> him back pretty good.>> About twenty minutes> later, her husband came> downstairs in his> bloodstained underpants> with a look of horror on> his face. She bit her Lip> as she asked him what was> the matter.>> He said, 'Honey, you were> right. 'All these years> you have warned me and I> didn't listen to> you.''What do you mean?'> asked his wife.>> 'Well, you always told me> that one day I would end> up farting my guts out,> and today it finally> happened.>> But by the grace of God,> some Vaseline, and two> fingers, I think I got> most of them back in

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpashowed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and nofull-time employment which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

Oh, for Pity's sake—- I laughed out loud!!!! Says a lot about what most of us think of the IRS these days. We did receive $50 refund from our state of Kansas last week. Since our state is broke we hurriedly deposited it, in our BANK! Now was that a wise idea?? Guess we will soon find out—sigh! PR

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … (get ready)..................a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.…Marriage changes passion.Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. …Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants .…When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'…Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. …Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !! …Wouldn't you know it…Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. …Life is like a roll of toilet paper.The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

LOL. Almost as bad (and true) as when we were in Sydney. We had a choice of a room with a sleeper sofa and view of the harbor and Sydney Opera House or a room with a K bed. We took the view, and the first nite, as we climbed into the sofa, it folded up on us. Had to call maintenance to fix it so we could go to bed.

I have a bad memory, as anyone who knows me will tell you. It has been a lifelong problem. So, now I am working with alzheimer's patients at an Assisted Care Facility. I just can't remember why that is a good match.

Computers are supposed to be all about memory, so why is it, that even after I tell the computer to remember me, it still asks for my password??

The mind is like a computer, it needs to be refreshed once in awhile.

One thing about us diabetics is that we get to carry a candybar around, we just don't get to eat it. (Taken from youtube. There is a section for diabetic humor.) (The others are mine.)

A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog..

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him.

Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up: he's got a couple of broken bones and the cuts and scratches have become deep gashes. His whole body is bruised, and he is barely conscious.

Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What the hell happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Testa."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and theybumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. Andthe hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"......He said: "Where'd you get the lousy hairdo?

> THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE> SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG> WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER> QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE> SKIN OF MY ARM.> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN> LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY> MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE,> SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF> THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET> PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.> THE OTHER S RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER..> THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID…WELL, WILL YOU LOOK> AT THAT…> I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Oh, Roy!!! My mom really did go camping one time with dad and her brothers and their wives, took a trip to the john, and really did come back with a "trail of toilet paper" dragging along behind her! Her brothers spared her no mercy so from then on she would cutely ask me, "check my backsides" before we would leave a bathroom—-fond memories you stirred up. thanks!! PAt R

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on Credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from back East is driving through town.

He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "Services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

Four men were playing a round of golf. The 8th hole green was near a highway. As one of the golfers prepared carefully to sink his putt, a funeral procession of cars appeared on the highway. Despite being just about ready to putt, the golfer paused. He took off his cap and placed it over his heart. With bowed head, he patiently waited for the hearse to pass by. The other men were stunned. One of them said, "Wow, Steve, that was so respectful of you!" Steve answered, "Well… she was a good wife."

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch together and catching up with each other.

1st psychiatrist: So, how have things been going?

2nd psychiatrist: Not bad. My mother has been staying with me this past week for her annual visit.

1st psychiatrist: Sounds good…

2nd psychiatrist: It's been okay. I did have a Freudian Slip pop out of my mouth the other day, though.

1st psychiatrist: That's interesting, a Freudian Slip; you meant to say one thing but something else came out instead. What was said?

2nd psychiatrist: Well, we were having breakfast. I meant to say, "Please pass the salt".

1st psychiatrist: And what did you actually say?

2nd psychiatrist: "You ruined my life you stupid bitch!"

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And, my favorite from Drew Carey:

So, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY… and we meet at the bar!

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing .. and the traditional caps, they looked almost .. as grown up as they felt.

This class would NOT pray during the commencements——not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine…until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.

All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!!!

The student on stage.. simply looked at the audience and said,

'GOD BLESS YOU And he walked off stage…

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.

Oh, that was so special!! Itsn't it funny when we are told we CAN'T do something, it becomes more important to us, and we find innovative ways to get around the rule of denial. In our small town a minister was carrying around a 5 ft. poster of Jesus thru the Lent season. He would just quietly set it down then participate at whatever he was at—-he attended a basket ball game with his Jesus, when the high school Supt had the minister thrown out of the ballgame, because of the poster—-

He immediately became the center of attention on the sidewalks of town, people thought that it was terrible—the minister heard of it and he exclaimed, "Good, they are talking of Jesus!" I wrote a letter to the editor commenting on the unfairness of such, some day we might not be able to wear a cross, or a fish, or any other symbol of Christianity, another newspaper in a larger town up north, picked up the story and wrote a full article on the minister and his Jesus—and elaborated on the unfairness—-never doubt that your words will make a difference too—we all need to stand up for our rights to worship as we see fit—Amen!! Pat Roth