If my calculations are correct, the Indians are going to win six billion games this year.

Forget whatever the hell Major League Baseball tried to do yesterday, as the real Opening Day – and perhaps the greatest sports day of the year – starts in less than 90 minutes. To celebrate, the boss told me to eat a chocolate chip cookie laced with weed, let it sink in for 30 minutes and then predict how all 15 American League teams will finish this year.

Here’s how that went:

AL East

1. Baltimore Orioles – 91-71

Apparently this shit is kicking in already, which is nice. I’m not sure why so many people still hate on weed, as I have no desire to rape, kill or pillage with THC in my system, but I will take the fucking Orioles to win the four-headed beast known as the AL East. Holy shit, that rhymes. Eat your heart out, Lil’ Bow Wow. Wait, hold on, yup. There are five teams in the AL East. Apparently Tampa Bay is still in the majors. Anyway, gotta love the potency of this Orioles lineup and their bullpen that will shut you down as if you’re a foreigner at JFK…

2. Boston Red Sox – 90-72

Saying the Red Sox are going to win the AL East would be trendier than saying I got molested at an East Coast frat house, so I’ll take them to play in the Wild Card game instead. The addition of Sale is bigger than the deuce I’m about to drop. Does weed make you shit? That’s something they never tell you in health class. The funnest thing to watch with the Red Sox this year won’t be how amazing Mookie Betts and Xander Bogaerts play the game. No sir. It’ll be Pablo Sandoval’s weight gain. You don’t need to tell him how satisfying a Snickers is…

3. New York Yankees – 85-77

The Yankees haven’t finished under .500 since 1992, which coincidentally was the same year I saw my first set of tits. Betsy Grieson was her name, and let’s just say she was blessed. Especially for a sophomore. Years later I would find out that she fucked my cousin the same weekend I took her to see A League of Their Own, which I’ll say kind of sucked. Not the movie but the fact that she plowed Dave Rhombus. Anyway, “kind of sucked” will also be how many Yankees fans sum up their beloved team’s 2017 season…

4. Toronto Blue Jays – 80-82

My left arm is kind of tingling, which is either cool if it’s the dope kicking in or shitty if I’m having a heart attack. Either way, let’s make this clear: I’m loving it. The 2017 Toronto Blue Jays? Yeah, not so much. Troy Tulowitzki is a shell of what he used to be, Jose Bautista is a turd, who come to think of it, should really try one of these cookies to chill him the fuck out a bit, and this bullpen is a bigger mess than Gary Busey’s brain. You had your chance, Toronto. You blew it…

5. Tampa Bay Rays – 78-84

The good news for Tampa Bay Rays fans is that they will actually have an excuse to not go to games this year. This team does about as much for me as naked pics of Corey Dickerson, who, let me check, haha! He does play for this team. Pot makes you smarter, kids…

AL Central

1. Cleveland Indians – 96-66

There isn’t a better pitching staff or manager in the American League, and when you throw in the fact playing in the AL Central is like playing in a basketball league where all of the other players are retards in wheelchairs who are missing their arms, you have to think the Tribe will have this thing wrapped up by May.

2. Detroit Tigers – 88-74

Kate Upton said Justin Verlander won’t plow her after games because he’s too tired. Does anybody have her number? You know who wouldn’t be tired for his face between those yams? Frank Fucking Rhombus, that’s who. And I wouldn’t even need my bottle of little yellow guys…

3. Minnesota Twins – 76-86

Damn. I’m getting a throbbing boner just thinking about getting the chance to shove six inches of Frank inside of Upton. I think weed actually makes it bigger. Yeah, it’s at least seven or nine inches now. Anyway, we’ve already spent too much time here talking about the 2017 Minnesota Twins…

4. Kansas City Royals – 74-88

You know what? I think I’m going to have another one of these cookies. They’re fucking delicious. I don’t know what kind of butter they used while making the dough, but there is no way it’s Blue Bonnet this time around. You know who else is going to want to ingest multiple cookies before watching their team play this year? Yup, Royals fans. Danny Duffy is their best pitcher. Danny Duffy. That’s a funny name…

5. Chicago White Sox – 13-149

Asche? May? Garcia? This team fucking blows…

AL West

1. Houston Astros – 93-69

On the surface, Charlie Morton as your #3 pitcher looks about as sexy Alan Arkin butt-ass naked. But the Astros will get one more starting pitcher to go along with this offense that is going to be more potent than Antonio Cromartie’s semen and make it all the way to the ALCS before bowing out to Cleveland…

2. Texas Rangers – 89-73

A healthy Yu Darvish to go along with a solid offense while playing in a pig shit awful division sounds like it could be a successful recipe, just like these cookies. #Goddamn…

3. Seattle Mariners – 84-78

Everybody’s high on the Mariners this year because of a few offseason trades, but not me. I’m just high…

4. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – 73-89

The average age of an Angels player is older than my grandma, and she died 12 years ago…

5. Oakland Athletics – 68-94

I love the city of Oakland, so it’s a shame that the baseball team that calls this city home is going to suck so many balls this year. Oh wait. I forgot. I actually hate Oakland. Carry on…