DEREK
Check out this guy! Better luck time, chump! This could have all been avoided if he became a licensed fireman at my school, Derek Martin’s Fire Man Boot Camp.

MAN (sobbing)
Please God No…

EXT. WOODS

DEREK is chopping wood in a forest, shirtless, save for fireman suspenders.

DEREK
Start the fire within at Derek Martin’s Fire Man Boot Camp. You will learn all about the mystical element that has daunted and taunted man since we invented the damn stuff. The future is here! The first step to saving your face from being melted off like cheeze whiz is prevention!

INT. HOUSE

DEREK (voiceover)
Smoke detectors are useless if you aren’t properly trained to use them!

DEREK
Did you know 95% of people are not? They are as good as dead! You don’t want to die, do you?

DEREK is shown removing the batteries from a smoke detector and putting them in his pocket. He then calls over a man and points to the smoke detector and points to the empty battery holster. He shakes his head and gives the man a slight slap to the back of the head.

DEREK (voiceover)
They say smokers are jokers, but I’m not laughing. If you’re smoking in bed, you might as well be smoking in dead!

A man is smoking in bed, slowly falling asleep. After a cheap strobe effect, the man is replaced with a skeleton in bed.

DEREK
What are you? An electricity expert? No! Learn how to control man’s greatest invention, electricity, so it’s bastard son fire doesn’t show up and screw up your big dinner with the boss!

An overloaded circuit breaker starts sparking next to a man with a martini. His pants quickly catch on fire while the man next to him starts freaking out.

EXT. WOODS

DEREK is chopping wood in the forest.

DEREK
So you fuck up and a fire breaks out. What you learn at the boot camp is how to not lose your shit. Fire can smell fear and it only makes it madder. And you don’t want a mad fire mama protecting her fire cubs. Let me tell you!

DEREK kicks open a bathroom door, goes in, and then kicks the door shut.

DEREK
Stop, drop, and roll? Yeah right. Get real! Fire will eat you alive…if you let it. With Derek Martin’s Fire Man Boot Camp, you set the main course!

A geeky man is on the ground, rolling around in an uncoordinated fashion. DEREK is running towards the flames with a shield and broadsword.

DEREK
In the hundreds of fires I have put out, I have lost at least one man in each fire due to improper checking for backdrafts! I will teach you how to check for backdrafts!

A man is about to open the door to his linen closet, and feels a rush about his feet. He looks confused, and DEREK begins to run in slow-motion towards the man. The linen closet explodes into flames. DEREK is thrown back and lands several feet away. He rises, crying in slow motion.

EXT. WOODS

DEREK chops wood for several beats. He wipes his brow.

DEREK
Yeah I can hear you, back there, murmuring to yourself. Derek, why don’t I take advantage of the free fireman training they offer at the volunteer fireman academy? Maybe because I don’t discriminate. Are you 500 pounds? Shit, some of my favorite fireman are fatsos. Are you ethnic? I love spicy food! Maybe you are deathly afraid of fire. Shit, I don’t know.

DEREK slams the axe into the trunk of the tree.

DEREK
Maybe because your older brother is on the volunteer fire department and him and his friends are a bunch of jerks who make fun of your ideas and never let you do anything cool. Then he sleeps with your wife and your kids think he’s the ‘cooler dad’. Next thing you know, your kids are showing up at your door fresh back from Disney world while you’re sitting at home in your underwear on disability wondering where your life went. You turn to booze, pills, the sex trade, just trying to scrape together enough dough to get your ass on a bus so you can shoplift some video games from the mall.

DEREK pulls the axe from the stump.

DEREK
I don’t care what your story is. I will teach you how to control fire to meet your ends. Or just put the fire out. Your preference.

INT. CLASSROOM

There is a montage of shots of DEREK teaching a classroom of people about fire. There is a shot of him dancing mystically next to a wastebasket on fire. DEREK lights a baby doll on fire and tosses him into the crowd, who immediately disperse. Another shot has DEREK using a fire extinguisher on someone talking in class.

DEREK
We offer night classes, day classes, telecommuting, phone commuting, cyber lessons, virtual reality classes coming soon! And when shit gets real Derek will be there! I’m pretty much licensed to deal with all things Post-Traumatic, so bring your problems down along with your interest in fire!

DEREK is listening to someone talk, and rolls his eyes. A cheap computer map spirals onto the screen.

Come on down to Derek Martin’s Fire Man Boot Camp. Where you can set the fire within!
Take exit 24 off I-95, take a right at the Arby’s and go down for about 5 minutes until you hit the CostCo, I’m right there on the left.

EXT. HOUSE ON FIRE

MAN (still crying)
My precious dogs!

DEREK
Never let fire get the best of you. Or see you cry. I can teach you.