A Twins Baseball blog, written by two guys who don't even live in Minnesota and probably don't know a damn thing and why are you listening to them? But you know what? It's not like YOU have a blog! ...Oh. You do. Well then.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The AL Central Must Be Defended

PREGAME

WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.

I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?

Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:

RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 HokiesWV: From the Palo Alto archipelagoTB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hellKK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants

WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.

TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.

RK: It could be worse.

TOP 1ST

RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!

TB: It seems so

WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets

RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse

TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.

WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?

RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?

TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee

WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel

RK: He's the ignoble assassin

WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.

RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing

TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.

RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!

WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.

RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win

WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.

RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on

WV: I see what you did there.

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better

TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.

RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes

WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?

TB: Nope

RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating

RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.

TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on

WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.

RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer

WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.

RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!

WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?

RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe

TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.

RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system

RK: Damn, a matter of inches

WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.

TOP 2ND

WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?

RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial

TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever

RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight

WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.

TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.

RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?

WV: Remember what I said about fisting?

RK: I try not to

TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay

RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play

TB: Exxxxhale.

RK: I was waiting to

WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child

RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!

BOTTOM 2ND

WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.

WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.

TOP 3RD

RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads

TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.

WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!

RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS

RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit

WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.

TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.

WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?

RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?

WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria

RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance

TB: Gah.

RK: The almost-double play looms large

WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?

RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this

TB: ROCKET BATS

WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.

WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.

RK: As is their wont!

BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0

WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.

RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large

TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial

RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it

WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.

RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does

RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way

TB: I guess that kinda works

WV: Little things

RK: I will again call a shot

WV: LITTLE THINGS

RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!

TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert

RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!

TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.

RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?

TB: It's time for a Kubelution!

RK: Gah that was his pitch

WV: My thoughts exactly.

TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1

TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!

RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything

TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?

RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T

TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.

RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time

TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks

RK: I think a lot of people can say that

RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up

TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?

WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.

TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is

RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone

Robert and Bill actually love Blyleven's style and you KNOW he deserves to be in the hall of fame and don't even get us started. Do us a kindness and circle us the next time you see us inebriated in the nosebleed bleachers. Oh we're live? I didn't know that.

Every Day We Read The Book:

Capital, Volume 1, Can It Happen Again?, One-Dimensional Man, In Praise of Barbarians, Ecocritique, Liars Poker, An Engine Not A Camera, The Two Trillion Dollar Meltdown, Theory of the Leisure Class