MOSCOW, Russia -- Russian President Vladimir Putin today insisted that Russia's new spate of anti-gay laws were not harmful to anyone, despite mass calls from his high-ranking friends for more oppression of the gays. In a public statement before the Russian Winter Olympic Games, President Putin said, "It is ridiculous to claim that I am a homophobe. I had many friends who were gay. Unfortunately they are dead now, due to some unfortunate accidents, but I respected them highly." The speech was made after rumours spread that the President was somehow against gay people in Russian society.

In Moscow, thousands of gay protestors have gathered round Red Square in a march to get Russia's "anti-gay-propaganda law" abolished. One gay protestor in Moscow said to our reporter, "The government in Russia is forcing our President to implement these laws. I'm right behind Putin (and enjoying it). I have seen the pictures of his fierce, naked body as it strode through the Siberian landscape that he released a few years ago, it is obvious to me that Putin is not at fault."

US President Barack Obama sent a delegation of "sports advisers" to Sochi, which included many prominent gay sports people to see if he could push Putin into using nukes. "After all" commented Mr. Obama, "we wouldn't want billions of Russian and US taxpayers' money going to waste on unused weapons of mass destruction." The reaction in the US has been one of outcry that the delegation unfairly under-represented Hispanic, disabled, blind, mentally ill, and cancer-stricken athletes, as well as athletes out of work for boldly speaking truth to power.

Putin further backed up his claim by saying that he looked up to famous gay people like British singer Elton John. He then commented that he'd actually probably prefer to look down upon Elton in case Elton had any ideas. "It doesn't matter about their sexual orientation," said Mr. Putin, "it's just a bloody pain when they come into my country and I'm forced to stop them from spreading their gayness."

Human rights campaigners complain that gays are coming under a lot of scrutiny across the world in a wide range of different countries and that it is just not fair on them as they only became a human rights campaigner as a quiet, relaxed gap-year job. "What with UKIP Bible-bashing MPs not respecting gays here and gays being banned in some less developed countries, it's just not fair on us who do all the hard work. Sometimes I ask myself: Why can't we just kill the gays and then there wouldn't be this problem?" said the human rights campaigner for the British National Party.