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Monday, March 10, 2014

There are times, when I can't believe that this is my life. Sometimes in the wondrous way- where I stand back and watch my kids play in the foreground of an artistic sunset, take deep breaths and submit to the scent of the salty ocean air around me, hearing fits of giggles and shouts of surreal song. And then sometimes its more like, in the way of total womanly breakdown- where I feel guilt for the things that I can't keep up with, or miss out on, or have done wrong with, in every which vague way that is physically and mentally possible. In the end it always evens out. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, a little bit of photography and nonsensicle words at 11:00 on a Sunday night. Or is it Monday morning yet?

I absorb emotions like a childs brain absorbs knowledge. If you're sad, I'm sad. If you're happy, I'm happy. If you're angry, then so am I. And I haven't quite figured out how to turn it off yet. An Empath... that's what they call people like me. Its totally a legit thing- we take on the emotions and feelings of others. And I'm not alone, theres a whole clan of us (like we're some kind of sub species, haha). ...but would I be too much of a downer if I said I sure feel alone most of the time?

Sometimes I become so disconnected from my reality, that I can't see anything beyond my 4 immediate walls. I have all of these wishes, and wants, and maybe's, but- I need a nudge. A direction. And sometimes its as simple as a trip to the beach, just 3 miles down the road, to clear my mind and reboot. But sometimes its much more complicated. I get so overwhelmed by everything that has been unknowingly drawn to me like a magnetic force, that I break the stare first, and climb back into my turtle shell. I go through my own sort of lunar phases. I separate myself from the force. I have to break empathetic contact.

And that's not always necessarily a bad thing. Because sometimes I discover some of the most amazing things about myself, and my loved ones, and what I truly believe in and care about when I take these personal (though not always intended) vacations. But... having to go it alone is exactly how the pony sang it in the 80s cartoon with the purple smooze- ...ok its actually nothing like that, those lyrics are ridiculous now that I look them up and put actual words to the tune (what is that movie even about, really?), but- when I hum the melody I feel slighty comforted haha.
I think this is mostly hormones, writing this for me tonight. Lonely hormones, released by my lavender linen spray, and kept floating in the air by the lack of circulation in my vintage Hawaiian Puuloa.

I have got to go to the beach tomorrow, life. I have got to find something with a very elastic waistband, use some very potent and hopefully nausea relieving essential oils, blow some larger than life size bubbles, and go in search of a much needed way out of my hermitville. Maybe its all of the recent change, or the absence of hearts that were once close, but this Mama needs some sweet tasting shave ice on my palette and the forbidden smell of Kona coffee filling my nostrils. I need a soul restoring adventure. I need a new.