Wednesday, October 24, 2007

What If Bad Things Gonna Happen?

Life is never easy and you can say the same about a grueling NBA season. When every team has its 82 games in April, there are some playoff-happy winners and, also, gone-fishing losers. As every radical environmentalist does, let me project only catastrophies for each NBA team in the upcoming 07-08 season. Yes, someone has to be the winner, but to write the worst scenarios for every franchise is always funny (not so funny if it's connected with your beloved team). Mmm, what if bad things gonna happen? Charlotte Bobcats know what I'm talkin'...

Atlantic Division Issues>>>

CELTICS-Ray Allen's surgical knees-Kevin Garnett's clutchless game-Paul Pierce lacks any kind of consistency-Doc Rivers can't make intelligent decisions-Kendrick Perkins is waaaay slow-Scot Pollard is a tall model-Esteban Batista can't play NBAball-Rajon Rondo has no shot-Eddie House is a maniac-bomber-James Posey is out of shape forever-Tony Allen is athletic and that's all-Brian Scalabrine is a bench-spectator Nightmare: First Round Playoff Exit

NETS-Jason Kidd is older and older-Vince Carter's disastrous end-game-Richard Jefferson underachieves-Lawrence Frank is clueless in the clutch-Jason Collins can't hit anything-Nenad Krstic is a subpar defender-Bostjan Nachbar is a subpar defender, too-Malik Allen is forgotten-Darrell Armstrong is too old and small -Marcus Williams is too erratic-Antoine Wright makes fatal mistakes-Jamaal Magloire is good on paperNigtmare: Out of Playoffs

KNICKS-Zach Randolph is selfish and immature-Eddy Curry can't knock down mid-rangers-David Lee's offensive game is dead-Jerome James is the worst NBA center-Quentin Richardson may fail to score-Jamal Crawford's poor decisions-Renaldo Balkman may be a disappointment-Fred Jones can't get any daylight-Stephon Marbury is fool all season long-Nate Robinson's wild, troubled antics-Jared Jeffries can't make layups-Isiah Thomas is a legitimate threat to explodeNightmare: Out of Playoffs

76ERS-Reggie Evans isn't interested-Samuel Dalembert has no post-up game-Shavlik Randolph is useless-Jason Smith is an useless rookie-Calvin Booth is an useless veteran-Andre Miller may be overloaded-Rodney Carney does very little -Andre Igodala may be frustrated-Kyle Korver is soft-Willie Green isn't good enough-Kevin Ollie is forgottenNightmare: Last in the East

RAPTORS-Sam Mitchell may lose his magic stick-Andrea Bargnani plays no defense-Jorge Garbajosa is injury-prone-Jason Kapono is defenseless-TJ Ford is too shot-happy-Jose Calderon doesn't get enough mins-Anthony Parker may be unutilized-Carlos Delfino a chronic mistake-man-Chris Bosh is way overrated-Joey Graham can't find his spot-Rasho Nesterovic is too passiveNightmare: Out of Playoffs

Central Division Issues>>>

BULLS-Joe Smith may be a disappointment-Luol Deng may fail to develop-Ben Gordon may be unable to hit clutch shots-Kirk Hinrich may be overloaded-Ben Wallace is more ineffective than effective-Andres Nocioni is underappreciated by team-Thabo Sefolosha is still a project-Tyrus Thomas got no jump shot-Chris Duhon is underperforming-Joakim Noah is too helter-skelter-Scott Skiles may lose his mindNightmare: First Round Playoff Exit

CAVALIERS-Daniel Gibson may fail to regain his form-Larry Hughes is stuck in mud-LeBron James is OVERloaded-Mike Brown is predictable-Drew Gooden lacks sufficient athleticism-Zydrunas Ilgauskas is slow and too finesse-ish-Damon Jones is a talker-Donyell Marshall is clumsy-Ira Newble is forgotten-Devin Brown may get little PT-Anderson Varejao may be uninterested-Sasha Pavlovic is out of reachNightmare: Out of Playoffs

PISTONS-Chauncey Billups is no longer his old self-Antonio McDyess may get too old fast-Jason Maxiell has no experience-Flip Saunders may be fired-Rip Hamilton may be frustrated-Tayshaun Prince becomes an offensive liability-Jarvis Hayes is dim-Lindsay Hunter is on decline-Amir Johnson is young project-Nazr Mohammed is good for bench-Rasheed Wallace is poisonous loose cannonNightmare: First Round Playoff Exit

PACERS-Jim O'Brien is thrown into too dangerous water-Troy Murphy is slow-Mike Dunleavy is soft-Marquis Daniels may be an underachiever-Danny Granger may be an underachiever, too-Jermaine O'Neal is better on paper-Jeff Foster can rebound, period-Kareem Rush is a dud-Jamaal Tinsley makes too many mistakes-Travis Diener is a CBA player-Ike Diogu is inconsistent-David Harrison is frozen-Shawne Williams is just a roster nameNightmare: Last in the East

BUCKS-Michael Redd may get trade-angry-Mo Williams may be too content-Charlie Bell is a prisoner-Desmond Mason is forgotten-Royal Ivey can't make much of a difference-Bobby Simmons' injuries-Andrew Bogut's lack of athleticism-Dan Gadzuric's limited talents-Charlie Villanueva's softness-Yi Jianlian may be a catastrophe-Larry Krystkowiak just doesn't have itNightmare: Bottom Feeders

Southeast Division Issues>>>

HAWKS-Joe Johnson may be solitary-Acie Law may be too nervous-Anhony Johnson is slow-Speedy Claxton is injury-prone-Tyronn Lue is limited-Salim Stoudamire may get little daylight-Marvin Williams is dud-Josh Childress is clueless-Josh Smith lack the emotional maturity-Zaza Pachulia depends too much on finesse-Lorenzen Wright is an underachiever-Al Horford may end up not being the saviour -Mike Woodson is a subpar coach Nightmare: Bottom Feeders

BOBCATS-Raymond Felton's pressure to show he's for real-Jason Richardson may be discontented-Gerald Wallace can't go higher in his game-Emeka Okafor's health-Primoz Brezec, unathletic, slow.-Adam Morrison, erratic (and now out for season)-Matt Carroll's mediocre game-Jeff McGinnis is fading-Ryan Hollins is just a rook-Othella Harrington is journeyman-Walter Herrmann's awkward style-Sam Vincent is a newbie among wild coaching catsNightmare: Bottom Feeders

HEAT-Shaquille O'Neal, less explosive, slower to react, injury-prone-Jason Williams is the past-Smush Parker is foolish-Udonis Haslem may be overloaded-Dorrell Wright is not a real player-Antoine Walker is a fat slouch-Alonzo Mourning is a magnet for fouls-Penny Hardaway should have retired forever-Dwyane Wade is after serious surgery-Pat Riley should have gone after 2006Nightmare: Out of Playoffs

MAGIC-Stan Van Gundy may be on the hot seat again-Dwight Howard is an inferior defender with few low-post moves-Adonal Foyle is one-dimensional-Rashard Lewis is expensive and hurt-Keith Bogans is on the wrong team-JJ Redick is worse than Durant on D-Hedo Turkoglu ain't a true leader-Trevor Ariza is only for leaps-Jameer Nelson ain't a good enough PG-Keyon Dooling is out of control-Carlos Arroyo is too much in love with his ballhandlingNightmare: Out of Playoffs

WIZARDS-Eddie Jordan can't give the team anything new-Gilbert Arenas is more interested in shooting than winning -Caron Butler is on the wrong team-Antawn Jamison is overrated-DeShawn Stevenson is on the wrong team, too-Antonio Daniels is underachieving-Brendan Haywood is lost in his self-Etan Thomas is like Haywood (and now out indefinitely)-Andray Blatche can't bear the added responsibility-Darius Songaila doesn't have a role-Nick Young is a young buck-Dominic McGuire, the same as YoungNightmare: Out of Playoffs

p.s.: stephen jackson has to stay home every night and go to sleep after the late-night news. (-charley rosen)p.s.2: /matt bonner on his red beard/ *it's scientifically proven that a beard increases your vertical leap. it's simple aerodynamics, like the feathers on a bird's wings.*p.s.3: /greg oden on his giant crutches/ *they're bigger than half the people in portland.*p.s.4: this just in: the nets have offered kerry kittles for kobe bryant. (-peter vecsey)p.s.5: *it's a machine, actually,* said pat riley, marveling at spurs' offense.