But you had troubles that were a bit difficult and he thought, ‘I’m not giving it to do this time. I’m waiting for another opportunity.’

He planned it quite a while ago.

It’s like, if you live a good life, you wanna go with a big bang.

The thing is that he planned it, he knew it. You would say now, deep inside he knew.

He was a bit shocked because he had started that process a while ago already, but then, when it came closer, he thought, ‘Maybe I should change my mind.’

But at that stage, he could not change his mind. It was, you know, one step too far already.

Do you understand?

Verena: Okay.

He could feel there was something, you know, very wrong. It was one of the glands that sit around here [indicates upper left and mid abdomen].

N: Spleen, pancreas?

Pancreas. He knew there was something wrong, he could feel it. And he knew he was not the type to suffer.

V: Exactly.

‘I might just as well go like this, with a big bang.’ It’s like, live on stage. You would understand because you actually spent several lifetimes together.

V: Several?

Yes. Probably… four. Four.

V: Okay.

You had, what would be called, a perfect match. You had these ideas: It has to be interesting because if it’s boring, you might as well be dead. So you need an interesting life, you need ups and downs, movement, constantly, to make sure you can feel how alive you are.

Do you understand?

V: Yep.

So, you were, what’s considered, the perfect match.

You had this appointment to meet. He was impatient. He saw you and he said, ‘That’s her. I recognise her. But I want to have her right now.’

You were not quite sure. You had other options. You had a few other things that you wanted to achieve before you went into that kind of companionship.

You needed, or you were expecting, to get some more experiences before you met up.

Except for his impatience, you know? He couldn’t help it.

It would have lasted a lifetime, literally, if you would have met up a little bit later.

Do you understand?

Nerida: [To Verena] If he had waited a little bit longer, when you were a little bit older, you would have been together all your lives.

V: Ah. Okay.

You understand?

V: Yes. But now, in another form of relationship, we stayed together as good old friends. He never wanted to let me go.

Yes, of course. You have an appointment. You had something that you would call nowadays a contract. You know, you had this idea and this plan. ‘We’re going to meet up again, in another lifetime. We will recognise each other and we’ll just go for it.’

But you missed some experiences that you wanted to have, that he could not give you. Because he was impatient. He wanted to have you right away, once he recognised you.

You might have wanted to have other things, like offspring.

So there came a point where you were looking for that. And he could not give it to you, because he did not want to. That was not part of his plan, but it was part of your plan.

To match these ideas together, it was actually planned to meet up a little bit later, when you’d had this experience. You know, you can raise a child and start the companionship at a later point; when you don’t have to be busy with, ‘Ah, still can’t talk, still can’t walk. What am I gonna do with this?’

He was impatient. ‘I want this. This is my plan and I want it now.’ You understand?

V: Yeah, thank you.

He’s very fond of you.

Yes. He’s already making plans to meet up again, starting off in a different way, more suitable. And he’s trying to cure his impatience, because he did not do very well with it. You understand? He wanted to have this and this and this. And this. ‘And I want it now. I can see it right there and this is mine.’ It was like this with you and it was with many other things.

V: When we were on the trip together he apologised to me. And he said I was the most important person in his life.

Yes, that’s true. It was a great gift, from a man who was so impatient. He had to work on this. He was trying to get better. And he thought, ‘Now I’ve gotten over the impatience. I’m more patient now. I’m getting older. I’m getting more settled, you know?’

But then he had planned, ‘I wanna go with a big bang. And I wanna be sure she’s close by.’He was impatient, even with that. It came to pass, and then he changed his mind again, like this [clicks fingers] at the last second. But it went too far ahead already. He would have suffered a lot if he would have stayed much longer.

He could have stayed a bit longer, but not much longer. We are not very good with time.But he could feel it. There was suffering coming up.

N: He had pancreatic cancer?

Yes. It’s not a good one.

N: It’s a nasty one. A good one to avoid.

It’s quick. It’s very quick, as you would say here.

There will be a cure one day. And it’s easier than most of these people in the medical profession think. Will be very easy. But it’s too easy to see, right now.

So, at the moment, it takes you off the stage of life very quickly. And people suffer.

He could feel it coming. He did not want to suffer. He did not want to cause any problems either .But that was out of his hands because his decision, the whole process, had gone too far already.

Maybe there would have been another year. We’re not good with time. But that’s a possibility.

The older one is angry, somehow angry because there are regrets. He wanted to talk about things that he did not get to talk about. There was some unfinished business.

The younger one: devastated and relieved at the same time.

He always felt, ‘I will never be good enough. I tried and tried and tried. I was never good enough.’ So, on one hand, he’s devastated because he was never able to give proof. He was about to prove that, ‘I can do it. You see? I deserve your respect. I’m good enough.’

But then, on the other hand, relieved for the same reason. ‘I don’t have to prove anything.’

Do you understand?

V: Not completely. How do the sons now regard me?

There was a halt for a while. So, it’s getting better now.

It will get better and better because they’re going to be more and more like him; because they’re going to be more and more themselves. It’s like, ‘Now we can be ourselves.’