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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hi. Remember me? I wrote a blog once.
This blog was a very helpful tool in working my way through the grief I felt after losing my Sam.

As I have gone on, healing a bit more each day, I find that I am taken away from my blog more than I would like. Believe me, I still want to blog. I like telling the world about the little things that make up my days. The problem is finding time to do it. More about that later.

Over the past two years, I have made some massive changes to my life. These changes are probably not outwardly noticeable, but to me they have been big.

It started with a change in attitude. I looked at the things that took up time in my life, and thought about how beneficial they were (or were not) to me, and to the people that were important to me. As a result of this, I now spend a bit more time on me: exercising, reading a good book, retail therapy, going to concerts...little things that make me feel better. And make me a better person/mum/employee.

I also spend less time on things that are not as important to me: housework (more on that later), work (not that I'm slacking off - on the contrary! See below), people that don't offer me anything in return for my time and effort, etc.

I've changed the way I interact with my family. I communicate better with Anthony and spend more quality time with Oliver.

I've changed my attitude to work. I'm no longer prepared to make myself crazy for work. I will do what I am happy doing, just enough of it to do it well but still maintain a healthy work/life balance.

I've changed my attitude to my health. I eat better, exercise more, and don't spend too much time consumed by the quest to lose weight.

All these changes are for the better. I like to call them the gifts that Sam keeps giving me, because many of them wouldn't have happened if I hadn't lost him. It's sad to realise that, because I wonder about the time that I've lost, and the opportunities that I missed before, and I regret many of the things I didn't do (or did badly) with Sam. But I'm grateful that I've had the opportunity to re-evaluate my life. I wish everyone could do that - without having to lose someone special of course.

Because we take so much for granted. We worry so much about stuff that is meaningless; worthless. We try so hard to please people that don't deserve it, and to impress people that don't care. We miss wonderful opportunities and don't take the time to take risks, to play.

Without Sam, and without this blog, I wouldn't have realised all this. That's why this blog is still so important to me. Because I've still got some lessons to learn (one of them is learning to manage my time better so that I can fit a regular blog post in!), and some things to share.

It's not going to be as regular as it was. I've gotta be realistic about that. But come by eery week or so, i'll try to post at least weekly. I've got plenty to keep me going for the next little while, so when I find time, I'll blog.

Losing Samuel made me realise some of the things that you have. The work/life balance became parmount, I take more pleasure in the simple things, I am more aware of the value I place on my friends and family, the people that bring meaning and joy to my life. These are just some of the things that this journey has made clearer to me, they were always there, but now they are vital and so important to me. Life is full of lessons, and I am always wishing at the time that I could flick to the back page for the answers, but after the fact, I am glad I didn't know them at the time, because the learning is part of the journey, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but they make you who you are. Laura xoxo