For me, love in general is loving that person despite everything. Love is having faith in that person and if you don’t love that person enough, yan papasok yung you will have to walk away and no I’m not saying that’s wrong, kasi lahat ng bagay may hangganan. But all I’m saying is napakahirap ng pagmamahal. Hindi yan madaling ibigay sa friends, family at ibang tao kasi ang hirap magmahal.

Kasi pag mahal mo, mahal mo even in the tough times. You find yourself forgiving people and understanding them because that’s how much love you have. You forget about the pain and hurt they may have caused you lalo na yung petty things because love is so much stronger than the hurt diba?

Ang dami kong friends na sobrang love na love naming ang isa’t isa pero nasan na sila ngayon? Sometimes you only love a person when it’s convenient. You love a person when everything is right for the both of you. If nahurt ka, if may maling nagawa sayo, all of a sudden hindi mo na mahal without even thinking nab aka ikaw may mali ka rin na nagawa.

I was just about to count the days after my friendship break up but counting would mean recounting so many bad memories and I’m just not into that right now. Especially that I am feeling extra good about myself and my life lately. No. I will not dull down this empowerment that God’s grace so generously bestowed upon me. He he he.

I was listening to Episode 14 of Wake Up with Jim And Saab and there was this light bulb moment. Like there will always be that someone who will try to bring you down (and succeed in the process) just to make themselves feel better (for a short period of time) because honestly, bringing someone down, breaking him/her to pieces does not make you gain a whole lot. It wouldn’t even make you happier in the long run come to think of it, so why? Why would you do that?

There may have been many reasons, of course and maybe I am also really bound to learn from these kind of things so I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a very long time, I blamed myself. I put myself in this really sad place and look at the happy memories as they flash in my mind every. single. day. then it would dissolve into sad grey colored thing and tears start to well up. That’s a cycle I have put myself into while in this dark, sad place. But day by day, I fight it. Day by day, I try crawling out, grappling every single thing out of the way just so I could see the light again, with bright colored sunshine-y things. Imagine dealing with that for a long time? Blaming yourself for shit. Not understanding everything and thinking to yourself that you actually deserved shit? How did I come as far as not loving myself the way I should? I take in every single thing, when I was questioning myself I put it out in the world and someone said that maybe I was really the bad one? Maybe I was the toxic one and I deserved that? Then at the back of my head I’d think “maybe you’re right” even though I know that I am not like that. That I have a good heart and I cared too much. People would often take my sensitivity as cringe-worthy. Some would even go as far as telling me that I have too much feelings. Maybe yes, you guys are right, but it’s not like I cry in front of everyone and just be sappy and pabebe. No one would even notice that I am sad. It’s all in my thoughts and you guys just see it because I write about it in here and on twitter but it doesn’t mean that I go day by day crying and self-pitying.

All these things made me feel that I was really to be blamed and I try every day to improve myself, to be stronger, to acknowledge what needs to be worked on. However, what I learned in the process of improving myself is to let go. When I let it all go, when I didn’t take simple comments like that (that I’m sure wasn’t intended to make me feel bad about myself) by heart, I felt empowered.

I didn’t need to feel and think like “am I doing it the right way?” because I realized there is no “right way”. We all differ in our areas of strengths and weaknesses so my process and learning would be different from everyone else hence I didn’t need someone else’s approval whether I am doing the moving on and self improvement correctly.

I was able to take a grip and hold myself together for once. I understood myself better and knew myself more. I even loved myself more than I ever did in the past.

With all these, I went back to the time that I was brought down by my friends and looking back, I saw how strong I was to walk away. How I was put down because I can handle the heat, I can handle the stress. Because their own toxicity wouldn’t work on me. And it had to take a collective effort to throw someone under a bus—I must have really been such a top gal wasn’t I? HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, I do not blame myself anymore (or anyone else for that matter) because with learning to love myself, I realized that I don’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves something like that. Looking at the bigger picture, what happened was complete and utter bullshit. A complete waste of time and energy.

What did you even gain when you tried to bring a friend down? What did you gain when I left the group? Did it make you really happy knowing that you hurt someone deliberately? Think about it.

I am not bitter anymore and slowly but surely, I am taking away all of what makes me sad in my heart by learning to completely forgive anyone who has hurt me and done me wrong (whether they realize it or not) It’s such a relief for me to be able to love myself and understand myself better now.

They say that grieving is nothing like anger. It’s a loneliness that stays and lives within that never goes away. Once we dealt with loss, we only get used to the pain this separation brought but we never really get over something like this.

I know this. I know this is PMS because I am extremely emotional over every single thing since yesterday. Every story I read through Facebook posts, every tweet I see that’s filled with joy and love makes me tear up, and today, I am doing the same. I am tearing up mostly over anything I see and read.

I came across a Facebook post that has been shared so many times. It was a long read and more often than not, I just would scroll down and like whatever interests me. This time, I read the whole thing and in a snap, I felt bittersweet feelings—a roller coaster of emotions. Joy and sadness all bundled up together for me to cry over. It’s a story of a dying person, a woman in her mid-40s, fighting stage 4 breast cancer, holding on for dear life. She almost died and everyone was praying for her peaceful passing but somehow, a miracle happened and she was brought back to life again after moments of almost dying.

And so, I realized again, that we are mortals. It is impossible not to die. Death is inevitable.

It’s just really so painful that though we know that we are mere mortals, death of a loved one is just so fucking hard to accept. It’s like you know it will happen but when it does, you are never prepared for it.

It also made me think about life. My life. How I have made it through the twists and turns and how am I still alive and enjoying the bliss of being alive.

I guess what I am getting at is that we focus so much on things that we fail to see what truly matters. We shun the idea of death or how short life is because we are too busy looking at the wrong things for the wrong reasons. We focus on all these negative energies like how to make things right, how to be okay when people do not like us, how to be civil with people who hurt us so much, how to earn forgiveness and how to forgive those that wronged us when in fact, life is so much more bigger than all these things.

I’m not saying that these things and emotions we have do not matter, it’s just that there are far more better things in life we should focus on because indeed, life is short.

I keep hearing in church that in our time of death, in our death beds, we wouldn’t be thinking of all the riches we acquired, all the honors we received in our time, the cars we bought, the good things we have, the food we eat at extravagant occasions—we wouldn’t even be thinking of all those that hurt us because in our last minutes, we would think of all the goodness in which we lived a wonderful life. How we valued our family and people we love. We wouldn’t even be thinking whether the people who hate us before learned to love us or accepted us. No. That wouldn’t and shouldn’t be the last thing in our minds.

So I guess, this is me letting go of all the things that hold me back. This is me moving on from the stress I put myself into just because I want and seek forgiveness, love and validation. This should be the end of it all because I know for sure, when I die, I wouldn’t be thinking about all of those things. The things that broke me and made me so lonely for a period of time.

Let’s all focus on the good things, good memories we have and we will have in our sweet short time on earth.

Wow, we’re in the middle of August already! That means our anniversary is in less than a week plus Paramore’s concert is also going to be next week and the next thing I know, it’s almost the end of my happy freaking month?! Woah!

Okay so before I publish the things I wrote for the past few days, I’ll give you this one first!

Ultimate Surprising Experience So Far

This would have to be the TFIOB (girls) Night at Rhea’s condo unit. I swear. This surprised me on a different level. Wait, let me publish it right away after this HAHAHAHA.

Current Obsessions

I started obsessing over podcasts in July when I listened to Wake Up with Jim and Saab but I like to consider it as a full blown obsession when August started. I was so hooked to so many other podcasts aside from Jim and Saab’s. My go-to podcast would have to be that and Self-Helpless (go check them out!)

Did Differently This Month

More than ever, I found myself still being reflective but self-aware and happier. I mean usually, when I think things through or like play over and over a scenario or a behaviour over my head, I get so emotionally tangled to that which leaves me no space for growth and understanding. So this month, I love how I am reflective but at the same time pushing myself to see the bigger picture.

I included this because I look what I feel: Happier!

Currently Practicing

I have been practicing a lot of things but my most favourite one is complaining less, caring less and being happier with myself. It takes a great deal of effort to really be patient and kind especially if a lot of things piss you off but like I said, practicing it often leads to achieving that goal. I am more patient, I don’t complain as much as I used to, I cared less about what others think and say negatively about me and I’m overall just really happier!

That’s my office BFF! Always happy and myself when I’m with her.

Working On Physically

I plan to work on going back to making art regularly again but since there’s a lot on my plate that I need to handle, I am just focused on working on going back to boxing and doing yoga regularly. Not working out really made me feel like shit and have become overall shitty to Kyx so he’s all for me—working out so that I don’t turn into a “monster” lels.

This is me feeling all glowy whenever I work out. Sorry I don’t have photos of me working out because I’m shy hahaha

Finally, the day has come. Every year since 2007, I would wait for August first to come so that I can finally greet you a happy birthday.

During those times, my “happy birthday” greeting would entail a meaning of thoughtfulness, care and friendly love. It’s my way of telling you that I went the extra mile for you. You know that I used to not like birthdays and greeting people right? It’s also my way of showing you that every year, I make it a point to let you know how much I value your day. It’s not just a mere hello or a greeting, it’s always something more and I’m always too shy to let you know.

After 11 years, here we are—still really good friends, best of friends in fact, and I cannot emphasize enough how much you mean to me so instead, I am here with you to celebrate your life. I want you to know that I love you with everything that I am, I love you in my dark times and in my bright days. I love you when I’m sad, I love you still when I’m happy. Even when I’m angry, I love you. No matter how many rollercoaster of emotions I go through on a daily basis, nothing changes with the love I feel for you. Happy birthday my ddear love love hahahahaha. You are the little ball of sunshine whenever life rains on my parade. See ya later! Let us enjoy cake and beer later (pero ako lang naman yung iinom but whatever haha)