One of the goals I have set for myself while I spend some time at the beach is to get (finally) a first draft of a novel out.

I’ve had a few cracks at it in the past but never gotten further than about 10,000 words on 5 different ideas. I excused that due to my “P” nature*, never wanting to finish anything, but as I recently pushed on to 20,000 and then 30,000 words on my latest effort I have discovered something far more sinister at play.

Sure I face the same writer’s issues as everyone else… Staring at that blinking cursor, re-reading some text and realised how bad it is, getting taken off on distractions (Googling a character’s name and ending up spending an hour watching YouTube, etc), but these things bubbling up inside me seem to be distinctly personal.

I’ve always believed that the Universe supports our Purpose. Whatever goes on inside us when we accept our Purpose, the organising energy around us recognises that and attaches to it. And it starts bringing what we need to pursue that passion, converging its energy in our direction.

I have come to understand that in other endeavours it is neutral. It does not particularly support or hinder us and if we progress with a reasonable degree of energy (most people accept this as “work”) we will achieve a modicum of success.

Energy applied to any activity brings outcomes. When we apply our own energy we get results, however when we submit to the support of the universal convergence the energy is multiplied a thousand, a million fold. That’s when extraordinary achievement happens in a short space of time.

Anybody who has experienced this knows the ride can be both amazing and also very challenging. Sometimes our personal development just can’t handle the power of this force. Imagine the singer who brings so much joy to millions around the world with the energy of the universe around them suddenly at 18 having to deal with everything that comes with that success? Well we, sadly, know the outcome often.

But I’ve also discovered a loophole!

When I was 16, the time when we know ourselves best but have no discernment to understand, I knew what I wanted to do. I knew my artistic creativity was beckoning me to a life of an author, or a playwright, or a director.

But my father, bless him, insisted that I would starve if I chose that life and implored me to choose a “proper” career. Now to a boy with abandonment issues (adoption does that to you), fear of rejection, unresolved father issues, and a need for acceptance, plus a young man’s desire to win the respect of his father, that was a powerful install that has stayed with me long after his passing.

I believe I even went into financial services subconsciously to please his ghost (my dad was a Bank Manager), and to prove myself as a worthy successor.

My rationale was simple… Even though my true purpose was somehow to be expressed creatively, if I did well enough in business I would build up enough money to live forever and I would prove myself to him in an endeavour that he would appreciate, finally freeing me to pursue my own personal dream.

So the universe shrugged its shoulders and said, “ok, a bit dodge, but I get your rationale, we’ll support that.” And my career blossomed and for a long while it looked like that plan would work out.

And that’s the loophole. In order to get the “benefit” of the universe’s help it just sorta needs to look a bit like your purpose, quack a bit like your purpose, and waddle a bit like your purpose. Basically I think this is because it is impossible for most of us to hit on our purpose straight away so the universe allows a degree of flexibility.

I remember Ken Blanchard* saying one should reward any activity or behaviour that is approximately similar to the one you want and that will achieve the desired outcome. So if you luck upon a “Purpose” similar enough to your “real” one the universe recognises that energy as being approximately similar and rewards you.

But that loophole is a double edged sword. I had spoken about it in my seminars, but now only really “get” what I was talking about. You can trick your mind into believing anything. That’s how affirmations work. Say them often enough, with enough energy and commitment and your mind will believe it.

Nature abhors a vacuum so will set about filling that imaginary reality with concrete reality and so manifestation takes place.

But fool yourself long enough and you risk “wasting time” pursuing a goal that is not really what you are all about, not really your “purpose”.

A series of recent events has caused me to check myself and my path. It began at the beginning of this year unpacking all my “stuff” that had long been in storage as I lived in places word wide and significantly smaller than I used to. I found a stash of newspaper clippings, letters of congratulations, and so on of my childhood efforts in writing and performing.

It was a profound moment for me. I was brought to tears as I wondered what my life would have been like if this part of me had been nurtured and encouraged. How I might have avoided a 30-year detour that was a waste of time (I integrate later), and how little of my life was left to devote to what I had dreamed would be every moment of my life.

I looked back over those years and realised my happiest moments were when I applied artistic creativity to what I was doing – copywriting, performing on stage in my seminars, filming TV commercials, and producing my seminar / play “The Quest”.

And I remembered magic glimpses of recognition of my talent from people like Bruce Dawe* who said my writing was the finest he had experienced as a University Lecturer, and Bryce Courtney* who said of me “Well, nobody can dispute this boy can write” after reading my submissions at his writing course at Macquarie University.

More recently when my mother died I realised I had no-one left to prove myself to and was finally set free of any perceived promises or living up to I somehow thought was necessary in my life.

So, submitting to previous patterns, I set myself again to the task of getting enough passive income to pursue my dream. Should be pretty easy with everything I know, hey? But I think the universe had enough of my sidestepping the issue and put its foot down. After a year of frustration I have realised that I have only been supported in tasks, activities and goals that are DIRECTLY related to artistic creativity.

Try to run a seminar or a program or create a website with content from my former life that would make some money to set me up – nope sorry, no support there – sure you can have a bit of success, but no more than anybody else putting their own energy into it.

Need a new computer powerful enough to edit films – boom – yours free! Need three months off to write first draft of your novel – boom – a friend comes along with a project they are prepared to pay over the money for that gives me enough to live happily for that time and focus on my writing. I could go on. And all the little pointers that occur when you’re starting to manifest your destiny – friends giving off the hand suggestions that lead to major life changes, emails arriving in my inbox that set me off on something that reinforces what I’m all about. Even being close to my future world. So many, many little things.

So I’m starting to get it. Gradually listening. To my heart, to my soul, to my divinity. To the whispering of the universe and its manifesting energy.

But, if I’m so on track, why is it that every time I sit down to write, up bubbles doubt and fear?

I didn’t know what it was at first, but I listened.

“This is a frivolous activity.” Echoes of a past and powerful installation.

And this is new to me. I have never experienced subconscious fear before the last few years. And this is the first time I’ve been strong enough to hear it and not run from it. To stand in its face and acknowledge it. To thank the omnipresent ghost of my father, have gratitude for his protection but courage enough to finally say, “this is my life and I will do what I was born to do. I love you, and I admire your contribution in your own way, but let go of me, let me go.”

Subconscious fear is an interesting beast. It rears its head when we least expect it and usually when we least need it. Like all fear it’s there to protect us but only from manifest concerns installed into us when we did not understand or could least defend.

And these are the fears we should banish to the farthest recesses of our existence.

So I have (even more) personal development work to do…

But for now, please excuse me, I have another 2,500 words of the first draft of my first novel to bang out.

* Kenneth Hartley Blanchard (born May 6, 1939) is an American author and management expert. His book The One Minute Manager (co-authored with Spencer Johnson) has sold over 13 million copies and has been translated into 37 languages. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ken_Blanchard

* Donald Bruce Dawe, AO (born 15 February 1930) is an Australian poet, considered by some as one of the most influential Australian poets of all time. Lecturer at the DDIAE (University of Southern Qld) where I did my first degree. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Dawe
* Bryce Courtenay, AM (14 August 1933 – 22 November 2012) was a South African novelist who also held Australian citizenship. He is one of Australia’s best-selling authors, notable for his book The Power of One. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bryce_Courtenay

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