Post by Friendly Destroyer on Dec 11, 2011 14:06:34 GMT -8

La Cavernale

Here is my rational behind the story you are about to hear. I think the Canadian Government must have offered a grant to french Canadian authors with the stipulation that the story must contain some form of educational subject matter. This is the only explanation that seems to make sense, as every single book we read in junior high always started it's story around some kind of educational subject for the first 80 pages, and then BAM! All bets were off. It reminds me of when I was in grade 3 and we had to write a story about plants, but all I wanted to do was draw Dark Wing Duck so I made a story that contained all of 3 sentences of Launch Pad giving D.W a potted plant, telling him the species and then the other 6 pages were about them fighting Megavolt, going to space, building a cool car, finding the Ninja Turtles and watching Tiny Toons. I am sure we all did this, but I'm also sure we all stopped doing this by the time we became adult authors of adolescent french novels right?

So, La Cavernale,

It starts off as a story about a group of summer camp kids and their leader going into a cave to learn about bacteria in water. There is a whole lot (endless pages) about them examining these "fascinating" bacterias until all of a sudden... the cave entrance collapses and they are all stuck. Oh no! Well then the most logical of plot lines develop as the camp leader says "I have psychic powers that I've only decided to tell you about right now, and not 5 minutes ago when the cave entrance collapsed, but anyhow, my psychic powers are telling me that we must all stay down here for an extended period of time as it is dangerous out there." Fair enough. There must have been some sort of need to incorporate survival guide techniques as the next twenty pages methodically detail how to distill water, build shelters and conserve food. Riveting! The camp leader's psychic powers, which we'd almost forgotten about, then tell her it is safe to dig their way out of the cave. When they do so they are greeted by a post apocalyptic world that has been thrown into chaos after a nuclear fallout. The typical path of summer camp bacteria investigation novels, pretty much. So psychic powers once again prove very useful as the leader understands that they need to immediately find shelter and stock pile weapons! She's right too. It has turned into Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome out there. They find a cabin and meet a an old man that tells them that The Bandits have taken over everything and that they need to get weapons and fight them if they want to live. I guess this would be a good time to say that the author has already explained that the groups time in the cave has exposed them to something that has made them impervious to radiation. The cabin is keeping the old man impervious to radiation as all cabins surely would. Anyway, there are all these battles between the summer camp kids, who are very proficient with guns as it happens and very brave all of a sudden as the last I remember they were shitting their pants and crying about home and being scared when the cave collapsed (they don't even bring up home once they get out, they just want guns!). They do a great job fighting The Bandits, but they are only a bunch of summer camps kids after all and before too long it looks like they will be wiped out by The Bandits, who are radioactive mutants by the way. The Bandits are charging in for the kill, when all of a sudden... in comes the United States Army! I'll mention again that this is a Canadian book, set in Canada, but of course since it is obviously being written by a 5yr old, it's The United States Army. The U.S.A army destroys The Bandits handily and the ending abruptly comes because there are no more cool things like mutants, guns, psychic powers, and fighting to talk about.

Post by Friendly Destroyer on Dec 11, 2011 18:28:35 GMT -8

SHUT THE FUCK UP about Lennon's death if you weren't alive when it happened. I swear to god my Facebook is flooded with 20 something year olds crying about something they didn't even experience and will never understand.

Then again, people are still caught up about that Jesus guy dying so what do I know...

This reminds me of something funny and since we are in the Every Thread Thread here we go...

I was in French Immersion school for a stint back in junior high (does that mean anything to Americans? All french speaking classes, junior high is grades 6-9) and man oh man did we aver read some crazy books in that class. Just as you did in English class we would also have novel studies. Only the novels had to be in french, at a grade appropriate level and had to be written by a french Canadian. There aren't a whole lot of these in Canada so I take it the book selection is rather slim. For instance we once read this book called "Le Sect des Assasin", which is "The Cult of the Assasins". These books typically involved 10 different plot lines and read like someone transcribing a 5 year old's dream, "and then the dinosaurs came to help me, but Superman helped me instead, and then the birds were talking to Superman but Superman wasn't being very nice to the birds so I flew away on my jet pack instead". This "Sect des Assasin" was about the assassination of this John Lennon type rock star (he was called John Goodman in the book. No shit.) by a cult of androgynous assassins. Yes they were androgynous, as you would expect. The story's first hundred pages revolve around the main character wanting to make it as a rock star just like his idol, John Goodman. The are so many unnecessary details about him playing shows, signing contracts, band members quitting, and then out of nowhere John Goodman is assassinated and we find out that that is what the story is about. So our main dude becomes a journalist (why not?) and begins to investigate Goodman's death. Of course we end up in secret back rooms full of androgynous assassins who not only are responsible for Goodman's death, but ALL of the political and cultural assassination that have shaped our world. Another plot line develops about his uncle being the head of the cult or something and that they have been waiting for him this whole time as he is the chosen one. French, what are you gonna do?

Post by weenie on Dec 12, 2011 9:12:28 GMT -8

I never got to read books like that! It was all Le Petit Prince and endless reenactments of the Trial of Louis Riel. Seriously, I learned about that goddamn trial every year in les sciences humaines et sociales and never once learned anything about World War Fucking Two. Thank goodness for Band of Brothers.