In late February, 1993, I was fired from Management Information Center for advocating “inferior” technology of PCs to Group’s companies in disregard of their heavy investment in IBM mainframes.

My younger brother, Rashid, went to Instanbul for undergraduate studies. But he was having myterious, infinite problems.

I had helped him get admission in my university, KSU (King Saud University) but he had rejected it.

“It looks like baby poop”, that’s how he had described the university and the city, Riyadh.

I had to agree because he had told a truth but wasn’t that a little immature reason to reject free undergraduate studies?

Hamid, my elder brother, told me his plans to tour Syria. I asked him to also include a tour of Turkey to help our poor younger brother.

But he’s a little different sort of a guy. He remembered how Rashid had called our KSU “baby poop”.

After his return from Syria, he told me about a weird incident.

On the last day of his perfect tour, he found a beautiful scene and stopped to take a snap.

Out of the blue came a uniformed officer. He informed my brother that he had violated the law by taking a snap of a classified premises.

“How’s that?” my brother wondered.

The officer showed him a building in the background that looked spooky and had certainly appeared in the shot.

Hamid had to admire that officer.. for his politeness.

He told Hamid he could book him indefinitely on charges of spying. That could ruin his career in Saudi Arabia where he worked for P&G.

But the officer made him a terrible offer. “If you give me your camera, I’ll just pull out the reel and return the camera back to you right away.. and you can walk away with your ‘crime’.”

That was a terribly good offer in notorious Syria. So Hamid thanked that officer for his politeness. But the snaps..

The snaps were lost.

When I heard that weird story, I felt sorry but knew it was God’s mysterious way to correct him for not agreeing to help Rashid. God only corrects good people.

Weird God!

Hamid was also very happy for my inferior job as Data Entry Operator in Dallah Telecom as he dislikes equality.

When it came the time of Hajj holidays, I went to Turkey.

God then reminded me of That Girl (I had seen in 1983) and told me she was in a tourist country.

I asked my colleagues for some advice and got full briefing.. in where to find prostitutes and the correct way to bargain for more than half an hour!

See, I’m an idiot with small brain and all loose screws. I only learned women’s genitals were different from a man’s less than a year ago (God had helped me order porn from Sexy Software — nice guys and girls there.)

So I deserved a COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE, didn’t I?

And God had kindly provided that.

Turned out my brother Rashid just suffered from racist Turks in the dormitory so I gave him some $220 and his Indian friends were so excited, they gave him a dedicated room in their apartment and also gave me a royal tour of Istanbul.

Billions have read Quran since more than 1400 years but none have succeeded in cracking the puzzle of disjoint letters appearing in the beginning of 29 chapters of Quran.

But I can explain what others can’t because no one has known Jesus as I have.

I was serving my jail term, reading Quran when the Voice told me these letters are God swearing by them. That was weird.

It’s a very common habit of Arabs to swear by stuff. How come no one could figure this simple puzzle out?

Because its time had not come. That’s why.

Now anyone can go check my explanation and see for himself whether I’m telling the truth or not.

Even if a single occurrence fails my explanation, it’ll mean I’m wrong.

The good news is that God’s voice is no longer a privilege. Jesus says “My sheep hear my voice and follow me”. In another place, he says “my sheep knows my voice and follows me and I call them by their names”.

I have a personal relationship with Jesus as many others do. I just know him better than anyone else.

When our second child was born, it was a girl. I asked my wife to suggest a name.

She said “I love the name ‘Asma’ the most but your brother has already named his daughter ‘Asma’. I love the name ‘Erum’ next.” I said “Erum is the city God destroyed according to Quran”.

She then suggested “Aasia” and I liked it. I said “That’s a beautiful name. It’s Greek and means ‘welcome’. Adam, a Jew born in Greece had named Turkey “Asia” because it welcomed Cain.”

I then looked up “Erum” in my wife’s book of Islamic names because I wondered why Pakistanis named their daughters after an evil city.

The book said it was of Persian origin and meant “garden(s)”!

I was shocked. I told my wife and she named our daughter “Aasia Erum”.

But I then understood the mystery of Aad & Samood who figure prominently in Quran but no scholar has ever been able to find their ruins, making it embarrassing for Muslims to believe in lies and things that don’t exist except in their minds.

When I arrived Pakistan, I was unmarried and filthy-rich. And beauty is my weakness.

I went to a park to view women and children and get some life as I used to do during my stay in King Saud University’s homosexual dormitory. My elder brother Hamid had discovered that secret and it worked for me, too.

But there was a security guard at Park’s gate. He told me politely it was a family park (and off limits of evil, single men).

After marriage, I was able to view beautiful women as I was accompanied with a wife who took the evil out of me.

So that’s the secret to dodge the Cherubim God put on the way to the Tree of Life: Marry a woman who loves you. Only a woman who loves you (your soul mate) can take you to the Tree of Life.

It’s good that God put Pakistani Cherubim on the way to the Tree of Life lest the mighty ones would eat from it and become God-like.

Since his arrival, he was in search of a song he had heard and found amusing.

He only remembered its rhythm and a few lyrics. Since I had never heard it, I couldn’t help him find it.

A girl of 10 used to come and go freely in our house because our mom loved her for some reason. Her name was Fahmida.

Hamid once asked her about the song and sang the small part he remembered,

“Tu patang heh kisi aur ki”
(you are someone else’s kite)

It made her burst into a laugh!

Hamid, the Mr. Smart, was embarrassed. After a while, she caught her breath and corrected Hamid: It’s not patang (kite) but pasand (like).

She then told him song’s name as well as the name of the Indian movie, DIL HEH KEH MANTA NAHI (MY HEART JUST WON’T ACCEPT).

That movie is an Indian remake of Hollywood movie, IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT.

Little did Hamid know God was going to make that movie and its song come live in his life. Hamid had been signed up for THE DIVINE COMEDY, which he rather sees as THE DIVINE TRAGEDY because it hurts him.

My flight back was scheduled earlier and went through Dhahran and I returned with my sister, while mom stayed behind with my brother, Hamid, (who figures out prominently in my life).

A few days later, I went to Airport Dhahran to receive mom who had decided to go through Dhahran back to Jeddah with me. My brother, Asim, who used to live in Dhahran, had given me his car to bring mom home.

I waited until all passengers came out but my mom didn’t come out. I gently asked the security guard to let me in to see why my mom had not come out.

I found her in the legal office. She was being interrogated by two officers. They told me my mom possessed 100 copies of magic. Traficking in magic carries death penalty in the holy lands of Saudi Arabia.

I looked at those pages and found some verses of Quran. I showed them those verses and asked them how that could be magic?

They looked intently, consulted with each other and knew they had no chance of winning the case and released mom.

Mom then told me she wasn’t sorry for her loss of those pages. She used to feel sorry for the millions of poor visitors and pilgrims who were harassed by these insolent customs officers who used to ruthlessly tear apart their luggage in search of non-existent drugs and left them crying without compensation.

It was then that I decided I was going to challenge them one day to prosecute me and God called me Son of Woman.