Well, the job is history after an agreed-upon several weeks of transition. I folded completely even though I knew I was lied to, set up. I figured I do not need these people for enemies, and sold my sense of pride down the river like I have learned so well to do years ago. Back then, it was bartering my body for my sister's. Guess that makes me a prostitute - the only difference was the currency traded.

I walk away with a promise from them of good will and probably some good words to slide me into another position somewhere. Yet I feel like I just sold my soul and the whole world got darker.

This thread is very relevant to me, though I'm not sure I have anything useful to add except thank you guys for giving me some big things to think about. I oscillate between being overly compliant and overly confrontative. Any healthy middle ground is still elusive.

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I come here now, and I see lots of anger.I don't blame anyone for that. It is perfectly understandable.But it is not healthy for me.So I'm going somewhere else.

I'm so sorry you're having to confront this. A healthy work environment is crucial to a healthy life---especially for survivors. I left a toxic work environment a while back for a better opportunity. After being there 9 years, the place had become toxic to the point where I think it helped trigger the CSA issues. As bad as it was, I hesitated to leave for the unknown---that somehow the toxicity was preferable. It was an abusive relationship.

Here's the takeaway. I did find a better position and left on good terms. Don't believe for a minute you sold your soul. You are using them for a good reference to slide you into something better. Look at this as being more equitable. This could be "mutual aid."

Will

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I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made. ---FDR

Thanks, Matt and Will - your good words gave me more support than you might realize. Matt - intolerably toxic are precisely the words. Will - the "mutual aid" is so true - submerging my pride was the only political way to get the win-win - my own sensitivities were just not worth allowing to stand in the way of that, no matter how righteous I felt about it.

A good friend of mine down the road who knew about the parallels between this situation and my childhood abuse suggested that by standing up to this situation I could finally stand up to the dragons of my past. I thought it was brilliant of him to see that. So maybe that shows to you the significance of it all to me.

So I was pretty depressed after a meeting that was cordial instead of contentious, because I felt once again that I did not stick up for myself. I got what I wanted and he definitely got what he wanted. But instead of fighting for what I knew was right, I just said "OK" to what I clearly knew was not. Just like I did with my abuser. I guess the whole situation was a trigger - the immediate 24 hour fall-out was tough to get through.

I'm better now, thanks - but can see that I'm STILL dealing with those ghosts. I'm still learning how deep this goes.

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