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How to Love

Love is expressed as an action and experienced
as a feeling. Yet, love has an essence that resists definition in any single
way: it encompasses compassion, determination, endurance, support, faith, and
much more. Everyone is capable of love, and there is seemingly no limit to the
amount of love you can give or receive. If you struggle to express or receive
love, there are ways to help you open to love.

Part1

Loving Yourself

1Appreciate you. Before loving
anyone else, you have to love yourself. Learning to love yourself means accepting
and appreciating the vulnerability within. You have
many qualities that are unique to you. Learn to appreciate who you are and what
you can offer.

·If you have problems loving yourself, then work hard to build yourself up.
Work on your self confidence by accepting your past and moving forward. You may
feel that things you did in the past will make you unlovable, or that you have
too many problems to be lovable. Untrue. Accept the things that happened to
you, forgive yourself, and move on.

2Care about yourself just as much as you
care about others. This can be difficult if you find yourself as a natural caretaker or
if you have children. Remember, your ability to take care of others increases
if you are adequately taking care of yourself.

·Don’t let yourself become the last priority; instead, do things do show
yourself you care. Treat yourself to a massage or a bath. Do one thing every
day that is just for you.

·This extends to maintaining boundaries and saying “no.” If what you need is
some relaxation, say no to getting together with friends.

3Give gratitude. Grateful people
have health benefits and report higher levels of happiness. Find ways
to be grateful for things that surround you, and most importantly, for who you
are.

·Think about the characteristics you have that you love about yourself.
Maybe you are very compassionate, generous, or a good listener. Maybe you pick
up new skills easily. Perhaps you create beautiful paintings or wire
electricity like a pro. Take a moment and be grateful.

4Have a good attitude. Even if
situations seem negative, find something positive, big or small. Having a
positive outlook is linked with health and emotional benefits, such as lower
rates of distress and having a longer lifespan. When you
start to have negative thoughts, especially about yourself, turn them into
positive thoughts.

·Combat thoughts about new situations. Instead of “I’ll mess this up; I’m so
foolish!” try “I feel proud of myself for trying something new and putting
myself out there.”

·If you think “I am so bad at meeting people” replace it with “I’m excited
to learn new social skills and meet people more like me. I know I can succeed
in making friends.”

5Engage in things that make you happy. Being happy is
part of showing love to yourself. Create a state of happiness by doing things
that make you feel good. Do things that make your body, mind, emotions, and
spirit feel good. Happiness largely depends on putting in the effort to make
your life more positive.

·You can choose to meditate, practice yoga, paint or draw, kayak, hiking, practice Muay Thai or
engage in lively discussions. Think about what brings a smile to your face, and
go do it!

6Take some alone time. An important
part of self-care is to spend some time alone. It can be difficult if you share
a room or have children, but saving some time for yourself is important.
Solitude can help you unwind, work through problems, reboot your mind, and
discover yourself. Don’t feel guilty for wanting alone time. By spending time
alone, you can improve your relationships by prioritizing your happiness and
allowing yourself to reset.

·It’s important to note that alone time doesn’t mean going on social media.
Try to do things that enrich your life and make you feel good like taking a
walk or journaling.

·If you struggle to find alone time, wake up before other people, or spend
your lunch breaks alone. Ask your partner to watch the kids for one hour each
week so you can get out of the house and spend some time alone.

7Accept that you don’t need a partner to
feel complete. Some people believe that happiness and love can only be experienced
through a relationship, or that a bad relationship is still better than no
relationship at all. Staying in a relationship that does not work does not
respect you or your partner. Solitude is different than being lonely, and it is
not worth succumbing to social pressure to fit in or feel complete.

·If you are unhappy or impatient being single, make the best of the
situation. Pursue opportunities that are difficult to accomplish with a partner
or a family. Travel, acquire lots of close friends, and enjoy your perpetual
freedom.

Part2

Loving a Partner

1Commit. Put forth effort
into the relationship and work hard to make it work. Communicate openly with
your partner about your goals for the relationship and where you see it going.
If you're only interested in a short-term fling, be honest. If you've got an
eye toward serious long-term love, be honest. There's nothing wrong with either
kind of love, but you need to make sure that your partner is equally committed
to the same version of love that you are.

·Commit to the person and to the relationship. Put in work to make your
partner feel special, and work toward making the relationship work.

2Be intimate. The word
"intimacy" is often associated with sex, but being emotionally
intimate is a huge part of a loving relationship. Emotional intimacy involves
allowing yourself to feel and express vulnerability around your partner.
Avoiding vulnerability can look like like withdrawal, attack, or accusations.
On the contrary, intimacy can look like sharing fears, discomfort, and
disappointment with your partner. Feelings or situations that previously felt
unsafe feel safer in an intimate relationship because of the vulnerability and
trust that has been developed.

·When you begin to feel vulnerable (like experiencing fear, sadness, shame,
or hurt), take a moment and pause. Acknowledge whatever feelings come up and
allow yourself to feel them; don’t avoid them. Take compassion on the feeling
and be gentle with it.

·Share your vulnerable moments and let your partner support you.

3Accept that love is dynamic. If you’re
concerned that the initial attraction and strong feelings of love are wearing
off, realize that love can occur in waves. Sometimes you feel overwhelmingly in
love with someone, and other times you experience less love to or from that
person. Just because you hit a low point doesn’t mean that the feelings will
last forever. Life happens in cycles and it’s okay that love experiences highs
and lows.

·Lots of things can create peaks and troughs in love, such as having
children or growing older. You can work through them.

4Be open to receiving love. You don’t have
to be the one in control of the love in your relationship; let your partner
express love toward you. Receiving love can feel vulnerable to some people
because it requires letting go of control. Be open to receiving gifts,
accepting compliments, and warm gestures toward you. You may feel like you now
owe something back, but let that go and enjoy the experience of receiving. Love
does not have debts but multiplies.

5Touch your partner. Touching does
not need to be sexual, but engaging in a long, supportive hug or reaching out
for your partner’s hand is a way to stay connected. Express your love for your
partner by initiating and sustaining physical contact. Affection is one way to
express care, appreciation, and other connecting, positive emotions.

·Affection is a way to make your partner feel loved and for you to feel
loving.

6Express gratitude to your partner. Sometimes the
way we communicate with a partner can be lost in translation, but gratitude is
always understood. Affirm your appreciation of your partner by expressing
gratitude. Thank your partner to show that you notice the effort put into the
relationship. Show appreciation for the things your partner does, and also for
the qualities that your loved one embodies.

7Be partners in life. The whole point
of going through life with people you love is so that you can tackle life’s
challenges together. Work together to find solutions, solve problems, and
comfort each other when times get tough. We can’t solve everything on our own,
we can’t know everything there is to know... but a whole bunch of people
getting together out of love can solve just about any problem.

Part3

Loving Despite Differences

1Don’t expect perfection. Don’t expect
perfection in the person you love or in yourself. This sets incredibly
unrealistic expectations. Neither of you will be able to live up to these
standards and you both will end up hurt and disappointed. Take it easy on
yourself and your partner, and expect mistakes to happen.

2Learn lessons and apply them to your
relationships. Yes, bad things will happen in your relationships. You’ll say the
wrong thing, or your partner will hurt your feelings. It happens. The important
part, when anything goes wrong (even if it’s just problems in your life), is to
learn your lessons and keep moving forward. Try to make the most of any
negative situation, turning it into something positive by gaining and growing
from the experience. Honestly try to see your significant other's point of view
in any argument that gets fairly serious.

·If you're in the wrong, apologize and own up to your mistake. Good
relationships air out the grievances and clear the air.

3Reconcile your differences. It’s hard to
feel love toward someone when you’re really mad or upset at your partner.
Whether you and your partner become volatile or avoid fights, there’s actually
no measured differences in couple happiness. The important part is finding
happiness together after the fight.

·Be aware that there's always the opportunity for reconciliation. Whether
you have volatile screaming matches or you sit down together to compromise
before things get too heated, almost every style of conflict allows for some
form of reconciliation. No matter how you and your partner fight, make sure you
are, in the end, both feeling heard and able to come to some kind of agreement.

4Balance your negative and positive feelings toward
each other. Balance is important in creating a happy and loving relationship.
Research shows that in relation to stability over time, the magic ratio for
positive and negative interactions in relationships is five to one, or five
positive interactions for every one negative interaction. When you recognize a
negative action toward your partner, do your best to provide positive
interactions to restore a sense of balance.

·Positive interactions include physical intimacy such as touching, smiling,
and laughing.