Our first annual summer
controversy is brewing
in Southampton Village:
the First Presbyterian
Church on Main Street
has petitioned to install
a cellular tower along its
facade. Preservationists,
environmentalists,
NIMBYs, 99-Percenters,
Night Fishermen, and Luddites are all on the
record as opposing it. That’s pretty much
the entire town except for the guys at
Crescendo Audio.

While reading the story, I came across
descriptions and renderings of the church’s
plan; they propose using camouflage materials
that would blend right in with the building’s
historic look and feel.
This intrigued me. I did some Googling and
discovered a new generation of cellular towers
that look like full-size trees. It’s true—some
genius architect has designed fake trees that are
made of metal and wires and all the necessary
parts to handle mobile calls. There are pine
trees, palm trees... No hydrangeas though.
Anyway, this got me thinking about faux
technology—actual items you can use in your
life that don’t look like technology at all. Here
are a few goodies:

Item 1: Rock Speakers
The East End is ground zero for extravagant
swimming pools, and I’ve come across my fair
share of rock speakers over the years. I’ve
grooved to volcanic lava rocks spewing 200
amps of power in Amagansett, and I’ve felt
the thumping bass of Italian faux marble sub
woofers in Hampton Bays.
If done properly, rock speakers are great faux
technology. They enable you to bring music to
your pool deck, tennis court or backyard. And
they look pretty cool too.
The issue is wiring. Despite advances in Wi-Fi
technology, most affordable rock speakers
must be hard-wired. This means you must dig
a path to bury the wires all the way from your
house to the speakers—and cross your fingers
that animals and lawnmowers don’t damage the
wiring. I’ve had rock speakers for three years
and believe me, it’s a constant issue.
Item 2: Halo Headphones
Anyone with an iPod can attest to the
difficulties that ear buds present. On the one
hand, standard ear buds sound crappy and
constantly get tangled in your pocket. They can
also cause hearing loss.
The alternative is to wear headphones. Beats
By Dre is a hugely popular product that I’ve
written about before. But the headsets are
massive and clunky—not the most appropriate
thing to wear to a business meeting.
Enter Halo Headphones. It’s a simple concept:
a bandana with embedded earphones. Halo
promises to deliver great sound while you work
out, and the buds never come out because they
are secured to your skull via the headband.
Priced around $65, Halo Headphones are a
great piece of faux technology, but the problem
is the headband. Put it this way: there’s a
reason why headbands haven’t been in style
since the days of Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe.
Item 3: The NavJacket
This is faux technology to the max.
Manufactured by O’Neill, the NavJacket is a
Gore-Tex winter sports parka with an embedded
GPS unit that connects to your phone. The idea
is that if you’re off in the wilderness, maybe
climbing Everest or doing some backcountry
skiing in British Columbia, you’ll always know
where you are. More importantly, if you get lost
or buried in an avalanche, people will always
know where you are.
There’s more. The NavJacket also has special
goggles that display trail maps and other stats
(altitude, barometric pressure, etc.) right on
the lens.
At $1,600, the NavJacket is definitely not for
everyone. But if you’re a survivalist who wants
to look super cool, then it’s worth checking out.
Bonus Nostalgia Item: The Darth Vader
Speaker Phone
I actually owned one of these, back in the
1980s. It’s a plastic statue of Darth Vader, about
12 inches tall, with a tiny speaker embedded
inside the mouth. I recall hours of fun and long
conversations with friends who called as the
Evil Lord.
While these phones are no longer in
production, a random search on eBay found
plenty of models for about $35. If you have
a Star Wars fanatic among your friends and
family, I highly suggest picking one up as a gift.
Use the Force.