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Satirical & Poetic Musings Of A Self-Proclaimed Nobel Prize Winner

Tag Archives: NRA

Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe. To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being. The honor I feel when I hold thy firm, cold metal in my hand often overcomes me and causes my eyes to well with tears. Thou, my Lord, hast given me protection against all of mine enemies: high school kids, grade school kids, church goers, country music fans, and those dancing in gay nightclubs. It is because of thee, oh most Exulted One, that I am able to unleash my wrath onto a world that does not appreciate thy glory and the greatness you possess.

The Almighty God Surrounded By Holy Water

With your guidance, my King of Kings, I will continue my work to end the plague of the liberal and the anti-gun lobbyist. I will not end my war until their oppression against thee has been vanquished and every high school student who hast offended they Greatness lies dead and bloodied upon thine altar of gun powder. I go now, my Liege, to fulfill this Holy War upon the infidels who seek to suppress and deny thee thy rightful place upon the throne of the greatest country to ever allow the slaughter of its most innocent citizens. With thy aid, I hope to have this goal achieved by Christmas 2019, and, barring any unforeseen interference by the FBI, I will. Amen

Drive, And Stay In, A Truck Like This Baby Each Time You Leave Home, And You’ll Never Need Worry About Truck Inflicted Terrorism

Idjit City, Wisconsin. Terrorism opinionist and NRA member, Guy Gonad, today said the horrific terror attack which took the lives of 84 people in Nice, France yesterday could have been avoided had everyone in the crowd been in a truck rather than walking about freely. “Come on, man, it’s so friggin’ obvious,” Mr. Gonad said earlier. “It’s a lot damn harder for a terrorist to kill people with a truck if everyone is in a truck themselves. We here in a America don’t have terrorists killing people with trucks because we have a little piece of literature known as the Second Amendment. It gives us the right to keep and bear trucks, arms, Volkswagens, and anything else we deem is necessary, to protect ourselves from Islamic terrorists, Barrack Obama, and liberals. What kind of crazy country sends its people out to a celebratory event like Bastille Day without first being certain each of them is safely in a truck of their own? One that’s far too liberal-minded and dandified, if ya ask me. The only safe populace is a populace that’s in trucks. That’s what George Washington implied when he wrote the Second Amendment, and who in the hell are we to argue with him?”

NRA City, California. The lord God of the USA, the NRA, today released a statement regarding the recent horrid ISIS attack on an Istanbul airport. “The problem with the attack today in Istanbul,” said NRA spokeswoman, I’neda Soul, “is that all of the people in the airport weren’t armed with guns. In America, we have the Second Amendment which allows our citizens to carry guns, like the AR-15, with them at all times. This is why terrorist activity and gun related deaths in the US are almost non-existent. We’re free here, in America, because we’re all armed. Once the rest of the world learns the value of a seriously armed populace, things like this bombing in Istanbul will cease to exist. We here in America will pray to Jesus for those who lost their lives in this preventable, Istanbul, tragedy, and we’ll also pray that people across the globe understand the value of placing guns into the hands of every man, woman and child on the planet. Until then, remember these words of Donald Trump, a god amongst men: “A free America, and a free world, is one were the Mexicans remain behind a big fuckin’ wall and everyone who isn’t Muslim is armed to the gills with death-dealing weapons. Amen”

LaRifle Town, Texas. Executive Vice President of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, said today he loves guns SO much he often carries up to 40 of them at a time in the gaping hole he calls his mouth. “I need never worry about black teens in hoodies, or black Presidents in business suits,” LaPierre said earlier, “because I can, and almost always do, carry upwards of 40 guns in my mouth whenever I leave my home. If a brown or black-skinned som’bitch fucks with me, I’ll spit out a gun or 4 and blast their dark asses back to the stone age. I’m NOT a man to be fucked with. So don’t fuck with me or my big-ass gun-toting mouth, ya’hear?”

Little Cock, Arkansas. The NRA today released the results of a 400 billion dollar study it conducted to show the connection between owning a gun and penis size. “This study shows, conclusively, that men who own guns have penises that are, on average, 23% bigger than men who do not own guns,” said NRA spokeswoman, Penelope Pubis. “It also shows, quite amazingly, that even women who own guns have a really big penises, metaphorically speaking. The study was conducted using the utmost care and respect for the privacy of all participants, both gun owners and non-gun owners alike. Various advanced penile measuring devices were employed and used in a variety of ways too sensitive to discuss publicly. After 7 months and 400 billion dollars spent, there can be no denying it: those who own guns have bigger penises than those who don’t. This study also shows, without question, that the primary motivating factor in one buying a gun is not safety, but penis size. Those with the biggest dicks own guns. And, yes, this is true even for female gun owners, metaphorically speaking. ‘Nuff said.”

Bloodbath City, Oklahoma. Hello Pontificator readers. Today I want to talk to you about a very serious issue: My desire to own a nuclear missile. You may be asking yourselves why I would want to own such a thing, and would it be legal for me to do so. Let me start off by saying, yes, it is completely legal for me to own a nuclear missile. The Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution gives me the right to keep and bear arms. It does not specify which arms I can keep. It simply guarantees my right to bear and keep them. My right to own a nuclear missile is not negated by the fact that, back in the day, no one had a friggin’ clue what nuclear weapons were or how dangerous they would be. To tell me, a mostly responsible adult, that I can’t have one is against the American Constitution and all it stands for. Secondly, nuclear missiles DO NOT kill people. People kill people. Have you ever heard of a nuclear missile arming itself and launching itself at a city all on its own? Of course not. That’s just plain nuts. PEOPLE launch nukes. They don’t launch themselves. Period. And, I, should I obtain one, promise not to launch it. Actually, I don’t even know how to launch such a device so the threat of me doing so is non-existent.

I Promise This Won’t Ever Happen With The Nuclear Missile I Wish To Own

Finally, as to why I want to own a nuclear missile, I have only this to say. My penis is rather average in size, and though owning a gun, which would be far easier to obtain, by the way, might make me feel like it’s a tad bigger than it really is, a gun fails in comparison to how huge my penis will feel if I owned a nuclear missile. As well, I think a nuke would look lovely next to the TV in my apartment. So, there you have my inarguable reasons for wanting to own a nuclear missile. To deny me in this endeavor is to decree yourself an enemy of America and her Constitution. Also, you’d be denying me the illusion of feeling like I have a huge penis, and who would want to do that?

Thank you for reading, and please, be careful out there. The world is just crawling with crazy people looking for quick and easy ways to kill you.