I think I'm going mad!

by Lesley
(Australia)

The room was dark and musty, empty bottles rolled around on the polished timber floor as if they were trying to get away as fast as possible. The air was stale and sickly and the curtain blew from the corner of the window to allow a faint scent of the real world awaiting my entry...

For weeks, months, possibly years this was how my life became, each day promising myself to not have a drink or if I did only have one...just one or maybe two if I wanted but then I must go and be productive and do what 'normal' people do...have dinner, wash up, some supper perhaps, read and go to bed. That all sounds so easy and straight forward and so healthy and predictable somehow. How very boring! That is where I was different, I believed or rather my life had got to a point where I had to drink for it to be exciting. It lifted me up, it gave me energy and made me smile. Yes I always smiled when I drank. It took away my fears, my insecurities and gave me hope courage and strength. AAhhh that's better I thought as I took the first sip of my favourite sav blanc or sparkling wine. The instant relief gripped my body and sent waves of calm rippling out to the extremities.

I wanted to feel like this forever. Just continue to be in this state and in this place. There were times that I became so intimate with alcohol that it actually saved me from myself. It kept me alive after everything else failed. It was a very close companion and was always consistent in the way it made me feel. I could always rely on my friend to get me through anything.

Eventually our relationship changed and I became too close, too dependent on my fluid of choice. We co-existed and started to have a difference of opinion many a time. I wanted to do one thing and it wanted me to do another. I would smile to start with but would end up wishing we had never had contact. It was hard to get through a day without my faithful friend. The hours passed and I would start to gather energy towards the end of the day with our impending meeting just around the corner...always at 5, seldom before...I couldn't let my friend wait for me.

Slowly we became inseparable and far too dependent on each other and I always knew that one day we would have to end our co-existence. I was getting sick, our relationship had become toxic! It was now a bitter sweet affair when previously it had been only a sweet affair. I wanted out, no more secret meetings and late night beatings. My eyes were black, my heart was closed. You must leave now before I change my mind.

10 months later...it is difficult without you but it was difficult with you. There is no choice but to continue alone on the path to find myself.