Can You Even Handle This Insane Tale of Simon Cowell's 'Heroism'?

Prepare yourself for a yarn from the high seas that's so exciting and dangerous it makes Jaws look like fucking Babe. This maritime drama stars none other than Simon Cowell, a British man known mostly for being mean to amateur singers on musical game shows. The setting: Cowell's yacht off the coast of St. Tropez. Are you ready for this epic story of unparalleled "heroism," which comes direct to you from The Hollywood Reporter? You better be, because there's no going back now.

Adjectives often used to describe Simon Cowell, especially during his reign on American Idol: cold-hearted, prickly, cruel. But off camera, departing from his TV persona, he could also be called a "hero."

According to the London Evening Standard (via Rickey.org), the ex-Idol judge known for his acid tongue saved nine people from a sinking yacht while vacationing in St. Tropez with former girlfriend Sinitta. When Cowell received a distress call on Wednesday, he sent the captain of his own personal yacht to check out the situation nearby.

And there you have it: When faced with impending doom, ultimate badass Simon Cowell ordered the captain of his yacht to go pick up nine people who were on a different, sinking yacht. Amazing. Who else among us would have had the guts to do such a thing? Could you have done that, reader? You couldn't have done that. And who can blame you! We are all cowards before Cowell.

Thank you, Simon. Maybe the police officers and firefighters of the world can learn a thing or two from you about bravery.