Unicorn interviews 6: The Poly Unicorn (extract)

It will occur to most threesome-seeking couples after a while that obtaining a unicorn from scratch every time is a rather labour intensive and uncertain endeavour, however good at it you become. If you meet a unicorn you like, would it not be better to keep her around? Would it even, perhaps, be better to actively seek out a polyamorous unicorn right from the start, to love and cuddle and have that extra spicy excitement with from time to time? Someone to bring into your relationship, a lovely extra addition to that which you already have?

Well, my baby ducklings, I have some bad news for you. If you try to venture from swing to polyamory, and enter these forums/pages/sites with the intention of seeking out a female to share as a couple, you are in for a baptism of fire. The cries of ‘unicorn hunter!’ suddenly sound like the most terrible derision. The polys despise you, my darlings, and when I went on a forum and explained this post to ask for quotes, I had to spend a day defending my rationale to the best of my (somewhat extensive) linguistic ability, and ameliorating a whole lot of hurt feelings and vitriolic accusations. Allow me to shield you from this a little, with some explanation.

Similarly to the kink scene, the poly scene has a lot of rules, a lot of lingo to learn, and a lot of literature to read before you even speak to anyone without causing offence. Asking for clarification on anything will likely give you the response that it’s not anyone’s obligation to educate you. Allow me to assist a little.

Unlike the swing scene, which is absolutely full of unicorn hunters, where that’s pretty normal and acceptable, the poly scene views you as naive sex tourists who are out to exploit vulnerable individuals and don’t really understand the nature of polyamory. You are an outsider, boys and girls, come to hurt them. There are a number of excellent references about exactly why this is, and why unicorn hunting in polyamory doesn’t work (couples privilege, male privilege, unbalanced power dynamics), and a lot of broken-hearted, former poly-unicorns littering the groups. I’m not going to go over all this here: www.unicorns-r-us.com does an excellent job of helping you understand the issues, and why striding in with your swinger-size-nines to pick up a spare F for your couple is really not cool. If your intention is sincere, these are issues you really need to understand before you even start trying.

Not to be disheartened, boys and girls. After a year of searching, I actually have found a happy, poly unicorn to interview. Truly, this must be the rarest of the rare. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the last of the unicorn interviews.

What would you like me to call you? Unicorn N. I’m 24, a single unicorn, pansexual, polyamorous.

What brought you to the scene?Up until November 2017, I’d been in back-to back Vanilla (by which I mean, people who weren’t particularly sex-positive or sexually adventurous) long-term, monogamous relationships. No matter how much I loved someone, I always felt trapped by monogamy. I kept thinking, “I’ve got so much love to give. I can’t be the only person who thinks this way?” I found that I continually developed intense crushes on colleagues or new friends, then spend my time either fantasising about these people or chastising myself for never being able to just love one person at a time. It felt like a personality disorder: I was either swept in euphoria or crippled with guilt. Neither person was really me….

This interview with a happy polyamorous unicorn crosses the bridge between swinging and poly. Swingers and polys rarely mix, despite what people may think. The polys tend to dislike their romantic lives being equated with promiscuous sex, and the swingers are usually about ticking off their sexual goal list, rather than forming relationships with the people. For this reason, the term ‘unicorn hunter‘ is considered fair enough on the swing scene and makes up the majority of the swinger couples you’ll meet. In the world or poly, however, it’s a term of derision. There are a lot of former poly ‘unicorns‘ who will tell you exactly how and why unicorn hunting upsets them so much. It’s also discussed later in the blog, with ‘Couple Profiles: What the single women see‘.

This interview, however, is a shining rare example of a single bisexual woman who is happy to form relationships with couples.