My mind, most of all. But if I must list everything, it’ll start with passion. For whatever I’m doing at the moment.

And it’s so ungrateful of me.

I’m waking up groggy and sleepy most mornings, with a little bit of excitement in my belly for a new day, which will turn into something that resembles having a brick stuck in my throat as the sun rises.

And Pippa… oh, Pippa. She’s turning 5 months this Sunday. People said if you want to know how it feels to have a child, start with a puppy. It sure does feel like it.

An organised chaos. (one of my favourite oxymorons).
A suffocating sweetness of a demanding, gentle soul.
A neurotic, irresistible little spark of madness.
A breath of fresh, milky air.

A dog. A puppy. A child in essence.

It’s mind-blowing how she sucks time and energy out of both of us. And it makes me feel so guilty inside. It’s like I don’t want to give myself to anything else but my own need. That’s why we bought a dog for. Mostly for me, so I can learn to carve that selfishness out of my flesh. And to learn to thread through the challenges with A, who most of the times has different views on how to handle things. It’s a big, real, eye-opener test for me.

I even stop being excited about church. I opened myself to God only in mornings and afternoons, and occasionally called on to His sweet name when I felt like I was about to losing it, and needed to remind myself to hold on to the Solid Rock. And to be grateful.

Not a third-world problem, I realized that. But still, sometimes it’s just so.. crippling.

I saw a screen of mist suspended above some fields on the way in to work; that’s when I know my favourite season is arriving. And I really hope it’s going to help me overcome this wave of helplessness.

Now that I wrote all of this, and re-read them, I know what I’m lacking.
I’m desperate for a time for myself.

A day-off. I need a day-off.
To be suspended in the air like a pool of mist; just me.

I want something else to cuddle. As if my husband is not cuddly enough.

Having. a. puppy. is. hard. work.

She’s super cute, and has been growing really fast, too. She weighs in 3.7kg last night when we went to the Vet to get her ears checked. We found out she’s had an ear infection when we brought her in the first time, and has been on Dermotic ear treatment for 10 days. It’s pretty much cleared up, which is good news.

We’d been looking at The Trading Post for some puppies for months. And as much as it had made me nervous, I couldn’t help myself but kept scrolling through those pages and photos. And wondered; what it felt like to have one of them.

And which one of them that I would go for.

And based on price and location, we decided to check out this home breeder in Melton. She bred first generation Cavoodle; which is a cross mix of Cavalier King Charles and Toy Poodle. We looked it up on Google and Pinterest, and we were quite happy with their temperament, characters and their look when they’re older. Puppies will always look cute, we just want to make sure that the look goes on as they get older haha.

We drove there on Sunday, 7 February 2016, on Chinese New Year’s Eve, and it was also Sophie’s (Nin&Stan) 4th birthday. We didn’t realize how far Melton was. It was like a full-on industrial road trip to the West. At least for me. Maybe because I was so nervous my senses were running wild.

When we arrived at the place, we saw three people walked out of the house, and one of the girls was holding a cream, fluffy puppy. My heart sank a bit; both because of the fact that I might be missing out, and also because I might be going home with one of those fluffy fury ball.

The lady (Laura) had four puppies left; three girls and one boy. The boy was apricot and round, the girls were blenheim (white and red spots). I stood there unsure of what I was supposed to do, Andrew dunk in amongst the jumping puppies straight away. You could guess who’s the animal person here. After a while, two of the girls seem to be interested in us. One straight-haired girl (more Cavalier) sat next to me and started licking my hand; another curly-haired girl (more Poodle) showed her tummy to Andrew as an invitation to rub her. So that narrowed it down. Laura said amongst the four, the cutest was the one who were friendly with Andrew. She has a more round teddy-bear face, and her curly hair will help the look, too. AND she was quite popular. During our time there, there were about 5 phone calls asking for her.

It took a while before I made a decision. We went for the straight-haired girl, because she was gentle and she seemed to like me. Andrew actually let me decide. He didn’t say a word about his preference, which was a bit nerve-wracking. But I was sort of glad he did, because I was the one who had to be very sure about this. He’d been wanting a dog since he was a kid so he wouldn’t have mind either way. As I was sitting down, filling in the new owner’s forms, I looked up and saw the curly-haired girl sitting on her hind legs, looking at me with her round eyes. And she looked so perfect. I actually said it out loud.

Laura replied, “It’s up to you. All I’m saying is: you can choose your puppy, not your child”.

And that’s how we ended up going home with Pippa.

She was quiet and a bit scared on the way home, and I had this tightness in my chest as I tried to make her comfortable on my lap and hoped she wouldn’t pee on me.

Omaigodiamactuallybuyingadog.

Why ‘Pippa’, you may ask?

Well, I like that name, first of all, ever since Kate Middleton’s wedding and we heard about her gorgeous sister. But I wouldn’t name my daughter that, so this is a perfect chance for it. Also, it rhymes with puppy/peepee/poopoo haha!

Remember when I said when I’m too scared/nervous at something, I tend to not see it in writing? Because seeing it will make it real?

So yeah, there you go. I can’t believe I am actually thinking of buying a dog. A freakin’ dog. The one little thing that my Dad prohibited when we grew up. The one thing that I know will require a lot of commitment and effort and attention and time. And effort.

So why do I have an impulse to get a puppy now?

Well, we thought it could help with our stress level. And our love handles. And I want something fluffy to cuddle. And it could be good with kids.

Since we’ve got the idea of getting a puppy, we still haven’t decided on what to buy. But definitely something small. One that you can carry. Something fluffy. Not white. I don’t mind black. But might go for brown/black. Spots.

I’m not even sure if it’s going to be good for us. With our work hours and everything else.

It horrified me to find that I haven’t actually opened this page for 2 full years!! My last entry was on the 6th of November, 2013. My 2nd wedding anniversary.

Unbelievable.

That said, I occasionally delivered my rantings through Instagram. So, technically, it’s not two full years without any sort of typing or commenting or complaining or just typing away. Can’t imagine not doing anything to do with words for two full years. I’d die.

Anyway,

I will not talk about New Year’s Resolution. I think it’s a lot of crap; you have this list that will ultimately makes you feel depressed because you’ll find that you don’t fulfill some/all of them. Or worse, you’ll actually forget about them. And I sound very.. negative.

This year is also The Odd Room’s second year. Time flies when you have fun, they said. The thing is, it’s not always fun. At least not around here. I thought I knew what I wanted. But apparently, hospitality drains me. It still does.

I’m still passionate about service. I’m still excited when it comes to food and coffee. I just don’t know how to keep up with all these changes and trends and demands. I guess this is the difference between working for someone else and working for yourself. I’m just not sure if I have it.

and now A is talking about starting another TWO businesses. I should be grateful; my husband is not lazy. He is a very curious man; and he is seriously serious about coffee. And making money. To secure our lives, of course. I just don’t know if I could bear another TWO big responsibilities. And to be honest, it’s fighting for space in my life with my other passion; I would love to be a mother.

But to get there, we need the moolah. I don’t want to be irresponsible and expecting my parents to cope for my life’s expenses all the time. Well, and also other things. Like, quality time. That, we don’t have much lately. I don’t even know if he shares the same goal as me on this one. He said he does, but his action just doesn’t reflect what he said. The cold fight last night was also around that same topic. I said ‘cold’ because he neither agreed nor disagreed to what I said. He just lied there in the dark, forgetting about whatever I said. And went to sleep.

This might be my raging PMS hormones speaking. Or typing. I should’ve taken two instead of one calcium tablet before bed. They said PMS gets worse when you reach 30. Hurray. I found myself swearing under my breath way too often, and more drawn to articles about home remedies for younger looking skin and muscle pains. Boy is getting older a lot of fun or what.

There’s a lot of uncertainties around. Ngkong Tjien passed away two weeks ago. I always thought that the others would go first; that he’d be the last one standing considering his health. It was a great comfort he didn’t suffer. He walked to the market on Monday morning; an umbrella in his right hand, newspaper in his left. And his heart just decided to quit on him. I would love to think that he didn’t feel as much. It’s just that… it was such a shock. I can’t even put my feelings into words. ‘Weary’ will be the closest.

This is comforting. The sound of the keyboard clickety-clacking. Writing has always helped me solidifies my thoughts; straightening them out of my scrunched-up mind. The absence of auto-correct helps, too (iPhone is killing my spelling). I feel stupid for not being able to type ‘responsibilities’ without counting the ls and is. It also pleases me when I realized I’ve had these uncommon words which I rarely use but they just popped up when I needed them. It’s like they were stored deep inside my head, waiting for their turn to shine.

Help me, Lord, please help me. This.. anger. This.. desperation for release. This frustrating phase of my life. I tried so hard to suppress this unhappiness; my head acknowledges the grace that You have showered me with but my heart keeps yearning for everything else. I wonder if being unhappy is okay. I’m sure You understand this feeling, Lord Jesus. In Your sweet, powerful name I pray. My eczema on my right forefinger has gone better rapidly in the past two days since I prayed over it in Your name. I know firsthand how powerful Your name is.

I realise the mood has gone somber since I started writing this morning. That’s usually the case. I write when my mind can’t keep up anymore. I wish it isn’t always the case, because I love writing. And I actually feel a bit better now. Just a bit hungry. Had one banana, one apple, a quarter of a pita pocket filled with cajun chicken, avo and mixed salad, half a cup of Cappuccino, and 350ml of green tea with a slice of lemon. Shouldn’t be hungry yet. But again, damn PMS does whatever it feels like.

It’s lunchtime. Time flies today. Usually I will be reaching about 3,000 steps according to my Health app on my phone. It’s 12.03pm, 827 steps. Nice. I think I can afford ‘not working’ today. I need to recharge on my ‘extrovert’ battery; it’s been drained for waayy too much since we opened in 2014.

I thank God for these exciting two years with you.
It is true
there’s nothing easy about marriage life,
but it’s all worth it.
It’s all worth it, because I’ve got you.

I’m happy,
though it’s not always perfect
but I’m happy.
And I hope you are, too.
We are both doubled in size,
I hope it’s quite an indication hahaha

Sweet hubby,
thank you for everything.
For your love, your strong and protective arms, your commitment.
Your leadership, your kind words, your simple, humble, gentle heart.
Your silly jokes, your pranks, your playfulness.
You said we have to keep being young at heart,
and I think you’ve changed me for the better.

My prayers that you may continue being great,
that the wisdom of the Lord be your guidance,
and His love your anchor.
I pray that I may continue to be your loyal sidekick,
to honor, respect and support you,
and to love you according to God’s unfailing love.
I pray that we continue to put God in between us,
as our holy veil so we may see everything through Him.
May we continue to embrace this sacred romance with Him,
and God’s glory may shine through our little family.

I’ve experienced the abundance of God’s grace and favour
through you,
and I can only lift my endless praise to Him for that.
I thank God for you
I thank Him for bringing you into my life.

Happy 2nd wedding anniversary, Sayang,
and wishing for many more years to celebrate with you!