My husband and I found out this week that our new little one is a boy. For the first time, sort of regardless of gender, I realized that the baby inside me isn't my precious Amelia. It's brought on a renewed sense of grief for me, plus a feeling that I really wish there was some sort of "do over" ability - I'm finding myself wishing that both Amelia and the new little guy were in there. I want both of them desperately. Anyone else have this experience? It's really caught me off guard how much seeing the new baby in ultrasounds is making me mourn my daughter. How did anyone work through this?

It's so very normal to be wondering,questioning, thinking. I can't tell you some many times my mind went crazy.....

When I was pg with Casey, many thoughts would flood my mind over and over again. I was very happy to have a boy instead of a little girl because Kat was my little girl, she was (is) my princess. I have to say from the moment Casey was born, I kept looking for him to look like his sister. In a way he does but in other ways he doesn't.

His eyes light up and that's Katlyne shinning star in her little brother.

Someone once told me that having a baby after losing one is the most joyous thing but, also brings on a profound sense of grief, all over again. She said that when she was going through her next pregnancy and, when she brought her new baby home, she was realizing all of the things that she will never have/do with her first and it brings the pain all back again.

I have started to understand what she means. I am thrilled to be carrying this little miracle and pray continuously to be able to bring him home. As I experience things I didn't last pregnancy, I start to realize what Zach and I didn't get to share and what we never will here on earth. It's almost like another slap of reality... I'm not sure how to work through it, I guess just one day at a time.

What you are feeling now is stuff that I feel all the time. During pregnancy and each milestone that my daughter has already hit brings me face to face with the fact that those are the things I will never see my son do. It hurts so bad sometimes like when we go to our families cottage and my daughter plays by the water while my husband fishes, I think my son should be here too, fishing and playing with his little sister. I think besides bringing my daughter home the 2nd hardest thing so far was when my daughter turned 1. I had such a hard time not crying because I will never see my son with birthday cake all in his face and hair. I feel very lucky and blessed to have my daughter and some days are always harder than others but I am hoping that you are able to find some way through all the pain so that you can enjoy the gift of the baby you will be bringing into the world. I tend to "smother" my daughter out of fear of losing her and I have to force myself to step back and remind myself how blessed I am and enjoy the now instead of worrying about the future. Good luck to you as you find your way through all these sharp emotions. God bless!

I really appreciate all of this input. Something I've been thinking about is that I've felt kind of numb about this pregnancy, and things seem very tentative still, but that I kind of want to do some things to prepare for the new baby, and to remember Amelia too. So this is a bit crazy, but I think I'm going to make baby blankets for both of them over the next few months. I think it will be very therapeutic.

DJA,
I have found myself grieving all over again through this second pregnancy. I know that our new baby boy (Joshua) will not be his older brother Seth and could never replace him. I think for a long time I did not bond with Joshua (probably out of fear), but once I started feeling him move inside me, he became more real to me. I think your idea of making two blankets, one for each is beautiful. We will teach our little Joshua that he has a big brother in Heaven who loves him very much. I am sure that Joshua will bring much comfort and joy into our lives as will your new one. I wish you the very best! (And watch out for those pregnancy hormones, they can make you really emotional which intensifies your mourning).

Danae
I just wanted to say that I too, have felt this way, especially in the beginning of the pregnancy. It scared me when I realized a part of me viewed the new pregnancy as a kind of "second chance" to finally bring her home.
As time has gone on, it has helped me to notice the ways in which this child is very different from Ila (eg., sleep/wakefulness patterns, activity level, the fact that she sucks her thumb in all the ultrasounds, my own reaction to/craving for certain foods, etc). They are subtle things of course, but they have helped me tremendously. In fact, the differences in this pregnancy overall were enough to make both DH and I convinced this one was a boy (which it's not!).

I can completely relate to you saying that as you prepare for your little boy, you want to remember Amelia as well -- I find myself doing the exact same thing. I think your baby blankets idea is just wonderful. In fact, my best friend had been working on a little flannel cuddle blanket for Ila when she died. She sent it to me a couple of weeks later, thinking it was something I should have anyway. She had embroidered her name on it. It may sound a bit odd, but I sleep with it every night, and somehow it brings me a small bit of comfort.

Just want to give you HUGS. I think the blankets are a wonderful idea. I know what you mean about being numb, I am a little behind you and I haven't let myself feel too much yet because I am so scared. Take each day as it comes, think that is the only way to get through. HUGS