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What is this Genderqueer thing?

I’ve come across a lot of people who have no clue what genderqueer means. I get a lot of blank stares and then, “Well, are you a boy or a girl?” or “Oh you’re trans?” People want to put other people in a box with a nice label they understand. I’ve never been a mean or defensive person, when people ask me from an honest place, trying to understand, I want to answer their questions. I think it’s hard to grasp what we’ve never seen or experienced.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term the dictionary definition of genderqueer is: denoting or relating to a person who does not subscribe to conventional gender distinctions but identifies with neither, both or a combination of male and female genders.

I’ve always felt mostly male. Not 100% though, which was a huge mind fuck for me for a long time. I like my body. I like being androgynous looking. I am both. It’s my identity. This is who I am. I’ve felt this way as long as I can remember. I felt this way before I had words for it. I thought I was trans for years, but I never felt fully trans and it was hard. Not being able to define yourself in a world that thrives on definition is a pain I don’t want anyone to feel. There needs to be more education and acceptance for difference in our society.

Pronouns are hard for non-binary, and there are a lot of different feelings about them. I prefer male pronouns he/him/his, but not all genderqueer people do. No I don’t always look male. I am androgynous, there are times I feel more feminine than others. I don’t see clothes as male or female. I wear what I like, which is a mixture. I love wearing shirts and ties, but it is fucking hot in Miami and that’s not feasible all the time. I am very lucky the body I was born with allows me to pass as both. I love when people asked me my preferred pronouns. It shows me they respect me, and they care enough to take the time to get it right.

I can only explain what genderqueer means to me. I am outside the gender definition of male and female. I am both. I see more and more people coming out as genderqueer and the younger generations are more tolerant and open about getting away from the hard and fast stereotypical rolls gender used to play in society. Progress, but we still deal with a lot of ‘you must pick one, you can’t be both,’ hate online and in person. A lot of us struggle with pronouns. There are tons of different opinions on how we should be referred to. This comes down to respect. Ask what pronouns someone prefers and then use them. I finally took the advice of another gender-fluid author and added my preferred pronouns to my bio. People make mistakes. I’ve been referred to as she as much as he, with some they’s thrown in. I don’t get upset when it’s an honest mistake. We all screw up, but don’t turn your nose up at someone’s pronouns because they can’t pass as their preferred gender, because of how you see them, or you’ve known them differently their whole life. It’s not easy to come out. It took me a long time to become comfortable with how I see myself.

There are a few celebrities who have come out as being gender-fluid and genderqueer. Ruby Rose, one of my favorite actors recently said in an interview with Elle Magazine, “For the most part, I definitely don’t identify as any gender. I’m not a guy; I don’t really feel like a woman, but obviously I was born one. So, I’m somewhere in the middle, which – in my perfect imagination – is like having the best of both sexes.”

Ruby also made a fantastic video about her identity called Break Free.

Steven Tyler says in his memoir, Does the Noise in My Head Bother You, he sees himself as half and half.

Andreja Pejic is a famous model who does both male and female clothes. “I try not to describe myself, even though when I do interviews and I work with journalists it’s difficult, because they want you to summarize yourself as one thing. I find this very limiting. I would definitely describe my last few years as living between genders. You can’t say it’s one or the other. A lot of my close friends say ‘she’. But a lot of people say ‘he’ too and I am not offended by that; when you are in this position, living this life between genders, you can’t be too offended by anything. Either way is fine, but I prefer “she”.”

Tilda Swinton has stated, “I don’t know if I could ever really say that I was a girl – I was kind of a boy for a long time. I don’t know, who knows? It changes.”

There is a whole spectrum of non-binary, gender-fluid and genderqueer.

I am not hiding behind my social media accounts. I am not pretending to be anything. I am a queer author. My gender shouldn’t matter. I am not fronting as a man. Derogatory comments referring to me as female are disgusting. I have never minded female pronouns even if I prefer male ones. But when they come from a place of hate on social media I do have a problem.

Genitals don’t define someone’s gender, and frankly unless you’re sleeping with someone their genitals are none of your business. To claim you’re ‘outing’ someone who identifies as genderqueer makes you ignorant and bigoted.

I am genderqueer. I love who I am. I love my body and I’m proud to be queer in every sense of the word.

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11 thoughts on “What is this Genderqueer thing?”

I’m so glad you explained this because now I understand. Thank you also for revealing this part of yourself. You are an amazing person and I am so glad I’ve gotten to know at least a part of you. I am enjoying getting to know you and I love your work. Keep on putting out those bestsellers my friend. Know that you have a supporter in me for life. ❤️

Great post, JR! To be honest – I’ve always kind of wondered, but just chose to treat you as male since that’s how your social media accts are set up. Guess I should’ve just asked, but I’m still not comfortable doing that. It seems too personal of a question to me and, in the end, it doesn’t really even matter.

Thank you for the explanation. I’ve been seeing myself as more and more gender fluid as the years go by. I like dressing male and female, mostly pants and shirts, and like the look of pants suits the best. Not that I like wearing a suit in general. 😉 I go by female pronouns and comfortable as a girl. But sometimes I feel male, especially when I work. Do I see myself as being male? Not really. So, I’m not trans either, but I can imagine myself as male sometimes. It really is very fluid and mostly not in an outward kind of way. I think that a lot of people miss that it’s an internal thing, and some people feel the need to express it outwardly and some don’t. As you said, there is a spectrum. Now, I need to go read some of your books. 🙂

Thank you for sharing. So often people judge without knowing. I try to ensure my children understand all the facts before they decide how they feel. That we are all individuals with different ways of living our lives and that should be respected. You may not agree and that is okay because that person is not asking you to be them, just let them be themselves and love them for that.

You are a spellbinding enigma, Mr. Gray! I find you more and more intriguing as I follow your work and your daily journey. I loved the blog post and re-posted it on my own accounts. It’s an important message. It’s not just your story, it’s the story of many. I think if offers great insight to those that live on the fringe of understanding, or those too blind to see what’s before them. I’ve never placed too much emphasis on gender as a definitive role. I am a lover of both sexes. If that’s packaged up as one beautiful being that’s even better. People are so busy judging and pushing people into idealized molds that they miss out on the beauty within. In the end we are all mortals of the same flesh and blood. Shirt and tie, dress and heels, makeup or no makeup. It’s the skin we’re in that makes us who we are. Let the world not define you…the only truth you have is your own. – Sighs with affection for the person unafraid to be genderqueer. –

Thank you so much for your comment. I could not agree more. People are so busy judging they miss out on how beautiful it is to be unique. This is the reason I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to personality not body parts. You’re amazing, and thank you so much for sharing the post!

Thanks for this post. I’ll admit when I read your bio saying you were “gender queer”, I was like “what does that mean”? and now I read this blog post. Thanks for sharing. Now I understand it a bit better. I know I won’t always get it right, but at least I know more now. So…thanks again for sharing and I hope Texas is a great experience for you and your family.

When not staying up all night writing, J.R Gray can be found basking in the warm glow of the Miami sun, or at the gym where it's half assumed Gray is a permanent resident. A dominant, pilot, and sword fighting enthusiast, Gray finds it hard to be in the passenger seat of any car. Gray frequently interrupts real life, including normal sleep patterns, to jot down nonsense. The bane of Gray's existence are commas, and even though it's been fully acknowledged they are necessary, they continue to baffle and bewilder.
If Gray wasn't writing…well, that's not possible. The build up of untold stories would haunt Gray into an early grave or possibly a mental institution where the tales would end up on the walls in crayon and finger paint.