Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very,
very sorry and would do anything (Joey realizes its
Chandler and hangs up the phone in anger and
resumes to reading the magazine. )

(The phone rings again)

Joey: Damnit Chandler!
Stop callin'!

Ross (on the phone):
Joe-Joey, it's Ross.

Joey: Sorry Man.

Ross: That's all right.

Joey: What's Up?

Ross: Uh-not much. Uh I
got Chandler here and he's really really sorry- (Joey realizes
what is going on, hangs up the phone and goes back to reading his
magazine.).

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey and Chandler
are there getting ready for Thanksgiving.]

Chandler: (entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks!
Aww!

Phoebe: Look everyone, its the spirit of
Thanksgiving!

Rachel: So are things with you and Joey any better?

Chandler: They couldnt be worse. I spent eight
hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to
me.

Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably
really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh?

Ross: Should we all expect Christmas
gifts that can be stolen from your office?

Rachel: You shouldnt.

Phoebe: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I
are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this
year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy
one gift. And-and theres the added mystery of who gets who.

Ross: Who gets whom. (They all look at him.) I
dont know why I do that. But it
is correct.

Monica: (reaches into
the pocket of her apron). Hey, what's this? (takes out the pieces
of paper with everybody's name on it) It's all of your names.
(puts the names in a bowl) Let's pick!

Joey: (Phoebe pulls him
back in) Okay.(shyly) I invented Secret Santa. You know?

(Ross chuckles)

Rachel: What are you
laughing at? You're the one who said Die Hard was your
idea.

Ross: It was! Don't
make me show you the napkin!

(Rachel reaches into the bowl of names)

[Cut to later, the gang, minus Joey, is watching the
Thanksgiving Day parade.]

Rachel: Well, Im gonna take a nap, turkey makes
me sleepy.

Monica: We havent eaten yet!

Rachel: I know, but all that work youre doing to
get it ready, I just (goes into her bedroom.)

Chandler: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh
Rachel for your secret Santa, cause I wanna trade for her.

Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh!

Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so
badly?

Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets,
its like impossible to get her something she likes. Come
on, lets trade!

Chandler: Oh thats not true! Thats not
true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how
much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with
it (notices the look on Monica and Phoebes faces.)
Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her
this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it (Phoebe looks
confused.) Her initials

Phoebe: Ohh. Okay I'm really bad
at initials.

Chandler: Oh. (makes a
wow face)

Monica: Wow! You got
your shopping done early this year.

Chandler: Yeah well my
Camel Cash was about to expire so..

Monica: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else.
Ooh, like Ross Geller.

Chandler: Op, y'know what though, its
kindve a girlie briefcase.

Monica: Who cares? He works in a museum!

Chandler: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about
to start!

Phoebe: You dont have to do that, Ross and Joey
arent here, you can watch the parade if you want.

Chandler: Thanks.

Monica: What is wrong with this freezer?! (She jabs her
arm into the freezer and a piece of ice flies into her eye.) Ow!
Ow!!

Phoebe: God, what happened?!

Monica: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye!

Rachel: (standing in her doorway) People are trying to
sleep in here!

Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.

Phoebe: Open it up, let me see.

Monica: Oh, yknow what, I cant, it really
kills.

Chandler: Well maybe you should put some ice on it.

Phoebe: Ooh, God it looks bad.

Rachel: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor.

Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I cant go
to him when I dont have a boyfriend!

Chandler: Hes really picky about his patients.

Phoebe: Honey, youve got to go. Whats his
office number?

Monica: Like I remember his office number! (Pause)
Speed dial 7.

Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, Im calling on behalf
of Monica Gellers eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in
today. (Listens) (to Monica) Hes out of town, but does she
want to see the on-call doctor?

[Cut to later, Phoebe is adding butter to something and Ross
is watching.]

Phoebe: This is so cool, til Monica gets back,
its like Im head chef and I get to make all the
decisions. (She looks at the remaining butter, and then decides
to add it to the dish.)

Ross: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the
recipe exactly!

Phoebe: Okay, get out of my kitchen!

Chandler: (entering) All right! Okay! I think I am
making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he
went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once!
(Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing
it.

Phoebe: All right I I gotta call my mom and ask
her a left handed cooking question. I'm
going to be in there (points to Rachel's room) (thinks about
something) While I'm gone..(Ross and Chandler are confused as to
what she is thinking about) (thinks) Chandler you're in charge!
(Chandler becomes a bit excited as Phoebe goes to Rachel's room.)

Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa,
but Im already getting her something for Chanukah, I was
wondering if you wanna switch.

Chandler: I dont know R.G., I was thinking
something girlie for your office.

Ross: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you dont want to do that,
then youre gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges
every gift she ever gets.

Ross: Oh, thats not true! Ive got her lots
of stuff she never took back.

Chandler: Like?

Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year.

Chandler: When was the last time you saw her wear it?

Ross: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then
uh

Chandler: Big dog?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking the furniture
into boxes to return it.]

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: What are you doing?

Joey: Im sending back all this stuff that
Chandler bought out of guilt.

Ross: Everything? Even the TV?

Joey: No! Im putting that in my room.

Ross: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but
dont you think you could at least hear the guy out?

Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if
Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?

Ross: Thats a good point. So uh, how long are you
gonna punish him?

Joey: Five years.

Ross: Youve sentenced him?!

Joey: Hey! Dont do the crime if you cant do
the time.

Ross: Joey, the guys your best friend.

Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway,
I dont know why youre pushing for him so hard. With
him out of the way as my best friend, theres a spot open.

Ross: Oh, who? Me?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Wow! Im honored! And yknow what
Im gonna do as my first act as your best friend?

Joey: What?

Ross: Im gonna get you to talk to Chandler.

Joey: All right. But if you werent my best
friend.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are sitting at a
table and talking about Joey.]

Kathy: Oh my God, is it really that bad?

Chandler: I walk into a room and he wont even
talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I
know he only knows the bad words.

Kathy: Oh I am so so
sorry. I feel responsible.

Chandler: Don't worry.
It's not your fault.

Joey: (entering) Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you
seen Chandler?

Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. But
umm, one of who is over there.

(Joey turns around and sees them kissing.)

Kathy: Oh.

Chandler: Hey Joe.

Joey (speaking Italian): Va fa napoli! (Storms
out.)

[Scene: Dr. Burkes office, Rachel and Monica are waiting
as the doctor arrives.]

Doctor: Ill be right with you. Okay? (to the
nurse) Thanks, Wendy.

Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor?

Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that Im thinking about
jamming this pen in my eye.

(Monica laughs)

Rachel: You have the best
luck with eye doctors!

Monica: I know!

(The intercom buzzes.)

Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know.

Monica: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of
town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now.

Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy
Burke, his son, will see you now.

Dr. Timothy Burke: Ready?

(Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs up.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is packing as Chandler
rushes in.]

Chandler: Hey! Im sorry! That(sees that
Joey is about to leave) where are you going?

Joey: My folks.

Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?

Joey: I dont know. I might stay there for a few
days while I look for an apartment.

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Yeah, yknow at first I thought we could
talk about this yknow, work it out, but uh, seeing you two
together I dont think I

Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you
want me to say that Ill stop seeing her?

Joey: Look, its not about her. Okay? But seeing
you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I
dont want to live with some one who doesnt know what
it is to be a friend. So, Ill see ya. (He starts to leave,
but Chandler grabs his bag and stops him.)

Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend,
I just-I just screwed up!

Joey: Yeah! You did! And thats why Im
leaving.

(The chick and the duck walk into the living room.)

Chandler: All right look, if youre not gonna stay
for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very
difficult year! What with the robbery and all! And that chick used to be very cute!

Joey: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in
the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was
doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you
down!

Chandler: What?

Joey: Yeah! But if wouldve know what kind of
friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldnt have
worried about it so much! See you around!

Chandler: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one
second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we
still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours
and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?

Joey: Weve got a box. (Motions to a large wooden
box next to him.)

[Scene: Dr. Burkes office, Tim is examining Monica.]

Tim:I remember the last
time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you
were just standing outside The Dairy Queen.

Monica: I was probably waiting for it to open.

Tim: I gotta tell you, you look great now.

Monica: You look great too.

Tim: Youre an excellent patient!

Monica: So how does it look?

Tim: Well, youve got a little scratch on your
cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days.

Monica: Like a pirate?!

Tim: If that helps you.

Monica: Umm, so how long have you been working with
your dad? (He looks at her) Come on, one of us had to mention
him.

Tim: I moved back here a couple of months ago.

Monica: Oh. Big family dinner tonight?

Tim: Uh. (He holds up a brown lunch bag.)

Monica: No way!

Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my
girlfriends.

Monica: (disappointed) Oh.

Tim: But we broke up.

Monica: (happy) Oh.

Tim: She-she wasnt ready for a serious
commitment.

Monica: (sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirates voice) So
you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie?

Tim: Youre not wearing the patch yet.

Monica: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Its closer to dinner.
Monica has just told everyone that Tim is coming to dinner.]

Ross: Hes coming here for Thanksgiving!

Rachel: I know, its sick.

Monica: Why is it sick?

Rachel: Because its Richards son! Its
like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner!

Monica: Okay if it were Greek I
would be blind in both eyes.Come on I like him because he's
handsome and he's nice and smart and....handsome. Come on,
Phoebe, you understand dont you?

Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where Id be your best
shot but, no. Im sorry, but I think its twisted.

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: (coming out of the bathroom) Whats twisted?

Monica: Me going out with Richards son.

Joey: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Chandler: (He is now in the box, in their living room.)
Sounds like a really bad idea to me.

Rachel: Is he okay in there?

Joey: Hes fine!

Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you
and Richards son, youd be able to tell your kids,
that you slept with their grandfather.

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to
Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the
altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer,
(points to Joey) threw a girls wooden leg in a fire,
(points to Chandler) livin in a box!! (goes to her room)

Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?

Joey: Chandler?

Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One
(holds a finger up through the air hole), it gives me the time to
think about what I did. Two (holds up another finger), it proves
how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds
up a third finger), it hurts!

Rachel: And-and if he
stays in the box you guys would be friends again?

Joey: Let's just say
it's a start.

Ross: (to Rachel) Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the
necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it?

Rachel: (worried) Why?

Ross: I just wanna check something.

Rachel: Okay. (She goes into her bedroom)

Ross: (He puts his hand over the hole on the box.) (to
Chandler) Now, well see.

Chandler: Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand
quickly.)

Rachel: (coming out of her bedroom with a necklace)
Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time.

Ross: (grabbing the necklace) The necklace I got you
was gold, this one is silver.

Rachel: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed.

Ross: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it!

Rachel: Well isnt it better that I exchanged it
for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out
of?

Ross: What did you get?

Rachel: Credit.

(Theres a knock on the door.)

Monica: (running in from her bedroom) Ill get it!
Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill
get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it!
Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill
get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! (opens the door) Hi,
Tim.

[cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the
football game, and they all cheer loudly.]

Chandler: What happened? What happened?!

Joey: You kissed my girlfriend!

(A commercial for sunglasses comes on.)

Rachel: Ooh, I like those sunglasses.

Ross: Like em, like em? Or, Id like
to get store credit for that amount like em?

Rachel: Va fa napoli! (Joey nods his approval.)

Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is ready!

Tim: Where can I wash up?

Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are
hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap.

Tim: Thank you.

Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin that
for the Pope!

Monica: See hes nice. Right?

Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in
a relationship where you can actually use the phrase,
"Thats not how your dad used to do it."

Tim: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit?

Monica: I saved you a seat. (Motions to the one next to
her.)

Rachel: (pouring the wine) Sick-sick-sick-sick.

(Theres a loud knocking.)

Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (goes over to the door.)

Chandler: Gotcha! (laughs)

Joey: That doesnt sound like thinking to me!

Chandler: Sorry!

Joey: Yknow I dont think you should be
talking at all in there! I think youve got to much thinking
to do to be talking and making jokes!

Chandler: Okay, okay, you got it!

Rachel: Ross, can you pass me the yams?

Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joeys got the mashed potatoes
if you want to exchange them.

Rachel: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?!

Monica: Oh-ho-ho, weve got company.

Ross: Theres nothing the matter with me. See,
Im not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings.

Rachel: Okay, fine. (She gets up and walks into her
bedroom)

(an awkward silence follows)

Chandler: You cant tell, but Im trying to
break the tension by mooning you guys!

Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to
you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to
me! And if it doesnt mean anything to you, then you should
get out of there, otherwise youre just an idiot in a box!

Chandler: Youre right, and Im sorry! This
means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I
wont say another word tonight.

Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing
seriously?

Chandler: Absolutely!

Joey: That sounds like another word to me! Are you
gonna take this seriously? (Theres no response from
Chandler.) Okay.

(Rachel comes back carrying a shoe box.)

Rachel: Dont say that I have no sentiment!
(Starts to show Ross whats in the box.) This is a movie
stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time
you made me breakfast in bed! (Holds up a bone) This is from the
museum from the first time we were together. Okay, maybe I
exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter!

Ross: I dont know what to say, Im sorry.
Though, youre not supposed to take these. (Points to the
bone) Its like a million years old, we, we actually, we had
people looking for that.

Tim: Yknow I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I
mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isnt.

Monica: I know! I mean its like me and your dad,
thats a totally separate thing.

Tim: Oh, I totally agree.

Monica: Were just two people who find each other
very attractive. Right?

(Tim leans in to kiss her. They stop, and when he tries to
kiss her again, Monica pulls away.)

Tim: What?

Monica: Nothing. Nothing.

Tim: No-no really, was-was that not okay?

Monica: No-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh,
that was a goood kiss

Tim: Oh my God! It didnt remind you of

Monica: (interrupting) Dont say it!

Tim: No, but it did! Didnt it?!

Monica: Yeah!

Tim: Oh man!!

Monica: I know!

(They both shiver in horror.)

Monica: Oh my god. I
am....I am...so sorry.

Tim: It's okay. I mean,
it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.

Monica: Oh. You know
what's even worse? My friends were right.

Tim:You know what the
worse thing for me is, is that you actually remind me of a
younger version of.... my mom.

(Monica quickly turns around.)

[cut to later, Tim has left. Monica is still shivering.
Theres a knock on the door.]

Joey: Ill get it. (Its Kathy.)

Kathy: (sees its Joey) Oh.

Joey: Hey.

Kathy: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how
sorry I am

Joey: Thats okay. Chandlers the one
Im mad at.

Kathy: Well, Im still sorry. Is he
here?

Joey: In the box.

Kathy: (going over to the box) Chandler?

Phoebe: Oh, he-he cant talk right now.

Kathy: Why not? Whats going on?

Phoebe: Hes just trying to show Joey how much he
means to him.

Kathy: By being in a box?

Rachel: Joey, had reasons.

Phoebe: They were threefold.

Kathy: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not
being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm (She
looks at the gang who are watching, they take the hint and leave
them alone.) Listen I dont wanna be someone who comes
between two best friends. I just, I cant stand seeing what
this is doing to you guys, and I dont wanna be the cause of
that. So, I dont think we can see each other anymore.
Im gonna go to my moms in Chicago, Im gonna
stay there for awhile. (pause) I think this couldve be
something really amazing, but yknow this is probably for
the best. Yknow? Im gonna miss you. Good-bye,
Chandler.

(She gets up and leaves, Chandler waves good-bye with one
finger extended through the air hole. Ross glares at Joey.)

Joey: (starting to cry) Open the box!! (Runs over to do
so.)

Rachel: What?!

Joey: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of
there! (He opens the box) Get out of there!

Chandler: So?

Joey: Yeah, were gonna be fine! Get out!

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin in
there.

Chandler: Man, this is

(Joey says something unintelligible and they hug.)

Joey: Now go! Cause you can still catch her! And
Merry Christmas from youre secret Santa! (Chandler runs out
and closes the door.)

(After hes gone.)

Joey: All right, who got Chandler? Cause I uh,
need to trade.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, the gang is all there
watching Chandler.]