Before boarding a plane where we were to be sitting in the very last row, my dad gave me this sage advice: "Set your sights low so you won't be disappointed." He probably didn't mean for me to extrapolate that little quip beyond that particular scenario, but I took it and ran. All of this to say, I'm aiming for achievable goals in 2018 because the world is such that I'm looking to grab a W any way I can. To that end, my New Year's resolution for 2018 is to not be a garbage person with awful, garbage nails.

Like many problems I face in life, I attempted to solve this one by buying a bunch of stuff. It's a tactic that works for me about 47% of the time and you can't argue with results like that.

I was recently telling someone about this journey I'm embarking on and they asked me what products I've been using. So here I am again, blogging for the three to five people who asked or actually care about any of this. As good a use of my time as any, I'd say.

(Briefly: Amazon.com, AKA the pit that I throw all my money into, made me an "influencer" and I don't really know what that is, but I'm going with it because it feels like one step closer to full on SPON CON and brands sending me free shoes and stuff. You can find the full link to all these products and other shit that I've bought here. Every single thing I'm mentioning is something I paid full price for with my money so woo for me.)

One of the best reccomendations I ever got was OPI's Nail Envy Nail Strengthener. It's kind of a pain because you have to apply it every other day and then remove it after a week and start over but I'll be damned if don't see a vast improvement in my nails when I'm using this.

At some point, I googled, "how to not have shitty nails" or something like that. A lot of articles talked about using certain oils for nail health which eventually led me to this site listing a bunch of oil concoctions for specific nail issues. Eventually I settled on the "nourish-your-nails oil" and got to cooking:

I usually put the oil on at night and then slip on some cotton glovesto keep everything insulated. Apparently these are "moisturizing," but I think they're really just cotton gloves. I don't remember how exactly I stumbled across this lotion but I saw "Healthy Hoof Cream Intense Protein Treatment" and was SOLD.

It's this really thick cream and smells a little weird so you know it's effective. Uusally I'll apply my oil mixture, follow it with the lotion and then slip on my gloves. Also, it's $6 so why not?

I love a sheet mask and will buy the Karuna Hydrating Serum + Hand Mask every once in awhile. It's good to put on at night and then put on your gloves before bed so all the JUICES can work overnight.

I also bought these Kocostar Nail Therapy situations which are like little mini masks for each nail. They are very hard to put on and might be a placebo but I dunno. Buying shit is fun.

And then, of course, the only thing that's actually probably doing anything at all effective: 2.5 mg of Biotin.

I had been at this regimen for about a month and my nails were starting to look pretty not shitty!! Another recommendation I kept seeing for nail health is to get regular manicures. There's a new nail salon in my neighborhood I've been walking and driving past for weeks and finally caved. Allow me to be so bold as to say that I think from now on, I only fuck with that gel manicure life because regular polish chips for me almost immediately and makes me IRATE.

Anyway, Color Camp is this cute new nail salon on Beverly Blvd behind The Grove and they give you free LaCroix with a straw. On my first and so far only visit, I splurged on a "super gel" manicure which apparently is a formula from japan that "strengthens nails, promotes growth".

When I was getting my nails done, I asked my technician how long this super gel stuff would stay looking good and she said about three weeks and possibly longer depending on how hard I am on my nails. Almost immediately after, I ordered dishwashing gloves and that's about as much effort as I can put forward to that sentiment.

I dunno man, here we are. It's good to have at least a few goals that are rather achievable especially as the planet descends into madness. At the very least, I'll be able to look down at my slim cuticles and strong keratin and delight for a moment, enjoying how my nails look as I type out a text message asking a friend whether or not I need to evacuate due to forest fires/massive earthquakes/nuclear attacks/billionaires who have started eating non-billionaires. It's not a lot, but it's something.