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“HOW TO GET MARRIED IN A MONTH: OR, HOW I STOPPED WORRYING AND LOVED SARAH KURESHI” (THE CLIFF NOTES VERSION)

By Wajahat Ali

For all those wondering about the “story” behind my “sudden” marriage to Sarah Kureshi, here’s a cliff notes summary (my version, btw.)

Our friendship was ignited by our mutual adoration for all things “hagoo,” which is a common South Asian word for “poop” – an utterly appropriate foundation for a couple whose combined maturity is that of an 8 year old.

We’ve been purely platonic for years. In the past, SHE initiated interest due to my masculine scent, rippling muscles, Adonis good looks and rapier’s wit. Although humbled, flattered and taken aback by her bold forthrightness and panther aggressiveness, I had to decline because my life at the time couldn’t accommodate a relationship.

Fortuitously, we remained very good friends afterwards. I even tried hooking her up with dudes, which was a gratuitous exercise because she is very “popular” with the men-folk. Likewise, she recommended ladies for me.

In July of this year, we started “talking” after a mutual friend kept harassing us and begging us to at least “consider” each other. After the third phone conversation, I displayed my romantic flair by bluntly asking, “Hey, so, you wanna get married or what?” She said yes, however since she’s been married like 823 times before, she was naturally apprehensive.

Accordingly, she made me answer like 1000 questions from several pre-marital questionnaires. This included several of her original, insane hypothetical questions such as:

“Like suppose aliens invaded Earth and like kidnapped me and then said you had to fight to get me back, how long would you fight for?”

Or other gems: “So, suppose, like, I went insane after my marriage and totally had a different personality, what would you do?” To which I very logically replied, “Well, I guess I would have to leave you then.” This shocked her beyond belief – “What?! You’d divorce me. You say it so calmly!” “Well, that is the only appropriate response to your ridiculous hypothetical rooted in nonsense,” I replied.

Answering her creative hypotheticals was quite a lot of fun.

We introduced each other to our parents and they really liked the idea of “us.” In August I called up her father and said, “Listen, I’m leaving for a month long trip and I’m first stopping in D.C. We are thinking about getting married, but will only proceed after I receive your blessing. Do I have your permission?” He said, “Sure.”

My parents said I was a “loser” and an “idiot” for not proposing to her earlier, so I had that approval squared away already.

We decided since we had our parents’ blessings we’d elope whenever the schedule allowed it, because she’s been married like 9234 times before and I’m too broke to pay for a South Asian wedding (I’m just kidding…not really.)

I brought the ring along with me just in case.

At the last second, I had extra time in D.C. and Imam Maagid of ADAMS Center, one of the most respected and busy imams in the nation, made time for us and said, “Come to Adams Center before Asr afternoon prayer on Juma’a (the Friday before Eid), and we’ll get this done!”

I brought the ring, my fiancé, one witness and we grabbed 2 random ADAMS center dudes as the other witnesses and did the marriage contract in the conference room.

Sarah’s parents were able to SKYPE in and witness the proceedings. However, their default SKYPE avatar was a giant, animated cat that moved its lips and spoke every time they spoke. Also, the cat had tears in its eyes.

So, imagine a giant, talking cat with the voice of Pakistani American parents on a large plasma screen overlooking the conference room. This was our audience. Awesome.

Imam Magid said congratulations to the screen, and an animated cat replied, “Mubarak baad to all of you! (‘Congratulations’ in the Urdu language)”

We have photographic proof (see below.)

We got married and 2 days later I left for my month long work trip. Since it was so sudden, unplanned and surreal, we had no time to tell most family members and close friends. This is why we decided to wait until I arrived back in the States. So, close fam and friends, please be not offended. We wanted to tell you in person or over the phone but word leaked as soon as I arrived at the State Department Eid reception last night.

Currently, the wife and I are in a heated debate over who is the more selfless, kindhearted Sufi. I make a compelling case that I married an older, wealthier woman, who has been married twice before. She says she married a poor, broke, jobless, starving artist with zero fashion sense.

I tell her straight up, “Dude, I married my future rent.” My nickname for her is “Rent in a Ponytail.”

Please rest assured, D.C. folks, that my wife will continue competitively playing insane games like “Pronus” and volleyball, most likely being the sole female in the company of a dozen men. I am not jealous. Go forth and play.

Finally, I am a huge, massive “nazr freak,” which means I’m terrified of the “evil eye.” Ever since we announced it on facebook, I’m convinced our lives will be like the “Final Destination” movies with impending danger and catastrophe at every corner. Upon hearing this, my wife – the eternal cheerleader – remarked, “Yay! That sounds fun! It’ll be like an obstacle course, and we’ll have to dodge dangerous objects!” (This is an EXACT quote.)

I can only shake my head.

In all seriousness, please remember us in your prayers and well wishes. However, our marriage really benefits from honest discussions, pre-marital counsel, a long, sincere friendship and transparency. I highly recommend this open channel of communication for future lovebirds.

Furthermore, the cautious cynic, perpetual bachelor, marriage-phobe Wajahat Ali is pleasantly surprised to confess that marriage has been a tremendous unburdening of the soul. I highly recommend it especially if you are lucky enough to find a selfless, kind-hearted, non-materialistic, goofy, spiritually aware “rent in a ponytail” woman that won’t pour cyanide in your mother’s chai with the malicious intent of slowly poisoning her.

Funny and sweet. Thanks for this light piece on an otherwise “daunting” subject. May you be blessed in your marriage. I’m from and in South Africa. I saw you on an Al Jazeera doccie “Fear, Anger, Politics” just this morning. Your input was eye-opening. Thanks. Peace to you.

Wajahat, I would like to call you out on the ridiculous discrepancy between 823 and 9234 times that you claim Sarah was married. I mean, which one was it? The “4” at the end of the second number could very easily be considered a typo, so dismissing that, we are left with 823 and 923. That is still a pretty hefty discrepancy. Before I create an excuse for it, let me give you the background of where the excuse is going to come from:

“A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy were having a beer, discussing world events and politics. The Jewish guy said during the conversation “I cant believe you guys attacked Pearl Harbor,” to which the Chinese guy replied “That wasnt us, that was the Japanese!” The Jewish guy promptly responded, “Japanes, Chines, same thing!”
The Chinese guy then said to him, “Why did you sink the Titanic, then?” The Jewish guy laughed and said, “That was sunk by an iceberg, you idiot!” The Chinese guy promptly retorted “Iceberg, Godberg, whats the difference.” 🙂

In that same vein, I guess we could say, 823, 923, same thing. CONGRATULATIONS on the marriage, you lovebirds!!!! This is so much like an Indian movie…friends (yeah right), fall in love (were actually always in love), and eventually get married.