Monday, April 2, 2018

World-renowned Canadian person, prolific marijuana-doer, and winner of the 2015 MTV Movie Award for “Best Kiss” Seth Q. Rogen has entered into a lifetime deal to transfer full ownership of his personal autonomy to Netflix, Inc.

“I have known Seth for many years” said senior Netflix Development Executive Jareth Chumley. “After a wrap party in late 2017, Seth approached me and said something like ‘Jesus Fucking Christ Jarbear, I would sell my soul for a fuckin enchilada right now.’ And so basically that was how the idea was born. In the end we settled on a price a little higher than a standard Chili’s To-Go entree, but I’ll be damned, not by that much.”

“As a general rule, I don’t really ‘read’ anything before I sign it,” replied Rogen when asked about the deal, spilling some beer on his own head as he does the finger-symbol equivalent of air quotes. “That’s what Danny is for, he handles that for me, mostly,” gesturing toward an elderly man in a poncho sleeping on the couch behind him. “Hey Danny!” he shouts, unable to wake his senior contract advisor. “I really hope he didn’t fuck this up. He’s the reason that Zach and Miri Make a Porno exists.”