In case any of you were looking for proof that the world is still weird and terrible, there’s this: some very, very sick person has been sending horrifying threats via email to Dog the Bounty Hunter about killing and sexually assaulting him and his family. I am going to post the text of the threats, as reported by Radar Online, but I will warn you ahead of time, they are disturbing as all holy high Hell.

“I’m going to murder you. I’m going to come to Hawaii and murder you and your family in cold blood. You are next on my list and are the bane of society. I will deliver you to God.”

“I’m going to murder you and your family. I’m going to slaughter your family. I’m going to cut the fat t**s off your wife while I watch your children bleed. I want to see you cry, like you did everyday in prison. I want you to watch as your family gets massacred right in front of you Then I’m going to f**k you in the a** with your f****t indian beads.”

“Your children looked nice today. As previously stated, I have a rather nasty vendetta against you and your family. I know this goes through contacts; and they may be the bane to your saving. I encourage you to thank them after I have your family tied up and gagging. I can’t wait to rape your daughters. Feel them get blasted by my c*m. It will feel so great. The blood of the innocent gets me so hard. Bye Duane.”

A “rather nasty vendetta”? Sheesh. That’s a little like saying “the sun is kind of big and hot.” Anyway, the Radar Online story goes on to say that the FBI is investigating the matter, which is definitely a good thing. I’m glad they’re getting involved, because anyone sick enough to send these kinds of threats should be locked up under the watchful eye of about a dozen dudes in lab coats. I don’t want to make light of a serious, scary situation here, but the fact that the target of his violent fantasies is a D-list, quasi-reality show star whose fame peaked a few years ago is the scariest part of the whole thing to me. Not that making threats against a bigger celebrity would make it better, but, I mean, Dog the Bounty Hunter? This dude’s psychosis digs deep.

So seriousness of the situation aside, I really like the overly formal “as previously stated…..” in a horrifically threatening letter. “You might recall from our previous correspondence that I plan to sodomize you with Indian beads. I would also like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention the issue of my arousal at the blood of the innocent”