The Trump Voter You Know

The Trump Voter You Know

It will be hard, but we’re going to have to find a way to talk with them.

November 11, 2016

Donald Trump speaks during the presidential town-hall debate with Hillary Clinton at Washington University in St. Louis on October 9, 2016. (Reuters / Lucy Nicholson)

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It has only been a few days since the stunning election. It will take a lot more time to understand the full implications of what happened in America on November 8. But one outcome is already clear: Half of Americans are convinced their country is on a steadier path, and the other half are filled with fear and despair about its future. Half think they have avoided catastrophe; the other half know they have collided with it head-on. These divisions will not disappear simply because one side won and the other lost. So where do we go from here?

I’ve been asking myself this question for a long while. Eight months ago, before Donald Trump secured the Republican nomination, I was in Boca Raton, Florida, for a literary festival. The man who drove me to the airport after the event asked me if I was a writer. “I have a story for you!” he said. He proceeded to tell me how, when he was 15 years old, he met the love of his life, but didn’t dare ask her out because he felt she was out of his league. He never forgot her, though, and 44 years later, he met her again; this time, he asked her out and wound up marrying her. “It’s a romance,” he said. I was still drunk on the sweetness of this story when we passed an election sign and he announced that he intended to vote for Donald Trump. The driver was white, in his late 60s, and ran his own car service, so it seemed that the lottery of life had not been ungenerous to him. Why Trump, then? “I think the world is a business, and this country is a corporation,” he told me. “And when I look around, the best guy for the job is someone like Trump.” When I asked him how he felt about the hateful statements that his candidate spouted, he dismissed them: “Oh, that’s all just talk.”

I’m not sure what will happen when I sit down with my extended family at Thanksgiving this year.

Eight months ago, it was still possible for me to think this way about Trump voters: that they were mostly strangers, people I met when I left my little bubble in California. But since then, I’ve discovered Trump supporters in my own extended family. These people do not live in neglected industrial towns, nor are they suffering economically. One complains about his high taxes, another loves guns, and yet another is vehemently opposed to abortion and same-sex marriage. Our conversations haven’t been easy, because they dismiss, almost always out of hand, anything critical about Trump that appears in the major newspapers (the “liberal media,” in their parlance). When citing a particular news article or study as evidence fails me, I try a different approach: I mention that I fit the profile of everything Trump hates—as a woman, an immigrant, a Muslim, a progressive—and that voting for him means, by extension, rejecting someone in their own family. But they show no empathy. Their response is the same as the one given to me by that stranger in Florida. “Oh, that’s all just talk,” they say. “He doesn’t mean you—you’re fine.”

It is not just talk. Words matter. They are all we have for making sense of the world around us. This presidential campaign has lasted 18 months (at times, it has felt more like 18 years), during which time we’ve been flooded with revolting, even sickening, sound bites. I’ve seen many of my friends on social media unfollow or unfriend those on the opposite end of the political spectrum. “If you support Trump, unfriend me,” was a common refrain leading up to this election. I’ve resisted this impulse because it seems to me to be no different than shuttering myself up at home and never talking to anyone.

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But I confess to a great deal of apprehension about the Trump voters I do know. I’m not sure what will happen when we sit down across the table from each other at Thanksgiving this year. Will my relatives bring up their victory over “Crooked Hillary”? Will I take the bait and say that, regardless of my policy disagreements with her, studies showed her to be the most truthful candidate of the entire presidential field? I fear I may end up exhausted hours later without having convinced anyone. Even if we don’t argue about the election, as we have for the last year, politics is likely to come up. Talk about the weather, I tell myself. But what if someone says something about climate change? OK, then, talk about sports. What if Colin Kaepernick’s protest against police brutality comes up? And isn’t that football team from Washington with the racist name playing on Thanksgiving? Compliment the food, then. All right, that’s easy—let’s just hope no one asks for the green-beans recipe; my husband got it from TheNew York Times. The liberal media strikes again!

Politics is everywhere, and we can no more escape it than we can escape ourselves. It would be a lie to pretend that I don’t care about climate change or police brutality or the forever war. So I expect that I will continue to talk, and to argue, with the Trump voters I know. Just as I expect that my representatives in Congress will continue to talk, and to argue.

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There is a difference, however, between dialogue and demand. When the Senate Judiciary Committee refused to hold hearings for a Democratic president’s judicial picks, that was not dialogue; it was a dereliction of duty. When John McCain vowed to block any Supreme Court nomination made by Hillary Clinton, that was not dialogue; it was blackmail. When Congress shut down the federal government, and in the process denied benefits to the neediest among us, that was not dialogue; it was bullying. Dialogue is essential to democracy, but you cannot have it with people who say, “Give me everything I want or else I’ll hold the entire government prisoner.”

Such a stance results only in further division, further isolation. The business of government cannot be a hostage negotiation. Nor can it be a surrender to the demands of bigots. What we need after this election is to make dialogue possible again, and that can happen only when we defeat the bigots and end the obstructionism that has plagued Congress. If this election is any indication, the fight has only just begun.

Laila LalamiTwitterLaila Lalami is the author, most recently, of The Moor’s Account, a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize for fiction. She writes the "Between the Lines" column for The Nation, and is a professor of creative writing at the University of California, Riverside.

How is it possible to engage the Right because of the demonization of all who don't agree with them, tons of conspiracy theories, fake news, false talking points, unfair & unbalanced pundits and Fox News?

(3)(7)

David J Kruppsays:

November 14, 2016 at 6:35 pm

Our aim always should be to convert some Trump supporters into voting democrat because it is in their own best interest.
Don't even try to convert die hard Trump supporters at Thanksgiving especially if they are family. Just don't mention politics.

(3)(8)

Kathi Leesays:

November 14, 2016 at 12:48 pm

We need to get rid of our super delegate system. They suppressed our chances to have Bernie right from the start. They didn't support our votes. They chose Hillary before we even finished our primary. I feel that if not for the super delegates and the media shunning Bernie, and the voting irregularities in California and elsewhere, we could be celebrating a bright Bernie future right now. What a different feeling that would be.

(11)(5)

Doug Barrsays:

November 14, 2016 at 11:02 am

Rather than continue the fight we need to start talking about why we fight and discard the reasons so we don't continue to self-destruct. http://thelastwhy.ca/poems/2015/6/25/life-a-reaction-to-the-void

(0)(2)

Scott Kilhefnersays:

November 13, 2016 at 10:53 pm

I just unfriended 50 Trump supporters from Facebook. Felt soooooo good, not to mention it has cleaned up my newsfeed.

I guess I purged my own little swamp, huh?

(16)(12)

Scott Kilhefnersays:

November 14, 2016 at 5:46 am

65 now.....the purge continues and still feels good.

Removing negativity from my life

(10)(10)

Scott Kilhefnersays:

November 14, 2016 at 7:34 pm

Over 80 now......

dialogue with racists?

COUNT. ME. OUT.

(6)(10)

Charles Sterlingsays:

November 12, 2016 at 6:38 pm

Get up, politely take leave, and get the hell out. I had to go through that on the eve of Desert Storm at an elderly uncle's birthday celebration. I wasn't about to enable the GHWB's cheerleaders in attendance to disrupt the occasion by responding to their drivel, nor was I going to punish myself and my wife by having to remain silent. Politics and religion should not be discussed at social or family gatherings unless it's clear that everyone is one the same page.

(9)(3)

James Wilsonsays:

November 12, 2016 at 2:01 pm

REFLECTIONS ON POLITICAL ANGER

Many wise and decent people will tell you not to become angry. After all, it upsets equanimity, distorts thinking, and often triggers inappropriate actions that should cause remorse.

I disagree. We all feel anger for many legitimate reasons. Without it, we would not exist. It is an energetic emotion that animates self-defense, a sense of justice, community solidarity, and competition. Even the Buddha, who appeared to have extraordinary self-discipline, would issue a “lion’s roar” when someone disrupted one of his teaching sessions.

During the summer of my Junior Year in college, I lived with and taught impoverished students in Jersey City, New Jersey. Ever since, I have been angry about the way the rich treat the poor and working class. Of course, many of the rich have since turned their rapacious eyes on the wealth of the middle and professional classes. Later, I became equally distraught about the precarious state of our environment. You can find warnings about global warming in Calvin and Hobbes, one of our finest authorities.

By remaining focused on the perpetual tensions between the few rich and powerful and the many regular people, it has been easier for me to avoid the tribalism of partisan politics, which is partially designed to aggravate differences within “the many.”

Anger also can be a useful analytical tool. But that anger needs to be cooled, lest it tear one apart, leading to distorted conclusions and alienation of others. Right now, we see how contagious it can be. When I was a lawyer, I used to tell angry clients in their pre-trial interview that they needed to calm down before going to into the courtroom. Otherwise, the judge might think they are furious with the whole process, including the judge.

Even more importantly, anger should not turn into hatred, the source of cruelty. Hatred is ossified anger that dehumanizes the opponent, reducing them to a baleful category. It is tribalism run amok. I have fallen into that trap during this campaign and I will again (No saint here). But it is not something to be fed. At least turn it into a joke…intimating that you also can be a jerk.

So far, our leading politicians have shown quite a bit of maturity since the election. Obama was predictably elegant and cool while talking to Trump, who was respectful. Obama must have watched Blazing Saddles a thousand times. Warren and Sanders say they will work with Trump when they think he is doing the right thing. On the other hand, the Internet is brewing with rage and contempt. Right now, many of the many are doing the divisive work of the few.

So how do you tame this anger? As with any other emotion, you first acknowledge it without shame. There are a lot of idiots out there (notice how I did not edit out the word “idiots” to demonstrate my continual frailty) who believe you will be happy if you just “live in the moment.” “Be here now” and all that stuff. Well, if you live in the moment that means you will often be living in miserable moments without visible happiness. These days, some of my worst emotional experiences arise during formal meditation.

Next, watch the anger or hatred move through your body, changing form and eventually fading away. As an experiment, you can invoke a “story line” to trigger these emotions. Think of ISIS, Trump, Clinton, neoconservatives, Progressives, your noisy neighbor, whatever. Then drop the story line and watch what happens. After all, your body has weathered many storms of anger over the years, so it is worthwhile to use the rest of your mind simply as an observer. This patient abiding is an essential aspect of compassion.

To commence the experiment, I just thought of something despicable. Much to my surprise, sadness immediately arises instead of anger. Even the rich and powerful are desperate fools. We humans are so frightened right now, a huge number of greedy animals pushing against each other on a small planet.

Now, I study that grief moving within the body. The eye sockets tighten with light pain while the eyes mist over. A wrinkled brow squeezes them from above. The chest next tightens, a grim reminder of anger and hatred’s lethal propensities. Then, a long sigh, followed by birdsong.

At least for a moment, negativity was transmuted into compassion:

May we all be safe. May we all be well. May we all be happy. May we live with ease.

(11)(4)

Scott Kilhefnersays:

November 12, 2016 at 10:30 am

Count me out on that.

(2)(3)

Rose Petsche Usa Roofingsays:

November 12, 2016 at 8:14 am

Tonight we host a small gathering of like minded friends. I cannot understand voters who think Trump will be their savior. They are uninformed, irrational voters. Time will show the Trump voter that they have allowed the fox in the hen house. Although, I'm sure, somehow, the Republicans will successfully blame the coming catastrophe on the lame, ineffectual democrats.

(9)(6)

Darby Stevenssays:

November 12, 2016 at 7:13 am

Tonight we are hosting a couple we have known for over 30 years; they are Trump supporters. We are progressive liberals who have found common ground with them for the length of our friendship...I have to focus on the love we have for each other or I will not be able to speak with them tonight. When I spoke with my friend the other night about our dinner I let her know we were not willing to discuss the election and that politics was going to be off limits. Nothing we have to say will convince them that they have helped elect a dangerous moron and nothing they say to us will convince us we have dodged a Hillary catastrophe.

My feelings are also so raw that to talk about this with anyone other than my like-minded sisters and brothers is still too much for me; I may start screaming.

So tonight I will remember what I love about my friends; how they have helped us and been there for us over the years...and then work like hell to put my anger and disappointment into action.

(15)(6)

Walter Pewensays:

November 12, 2016 at 9:51 pm

Your friends sound nice. They obviously are in denial of the horror they are participating in, as are many. That does not excuse it. In the end they will likely regret it, if they are honest with themselves.

(6)(4)

Scott Kilhefnersays:

November 12, 2016 at 5:55 pm

I'd have canceled.

(9)(5)

Marjorie Wherleysays:

November 12, 2016 at 12:22 am

I hoped you would give me some actual suggestions about what to do and/or say around that table..... maybe there's no win-win this year

(6)(1)

Scott Kilhefnersays:

November 12, 2016 at 11:50 pm

Call off.

Sickness.

Won't be a lie will it?

(6)(7)

Gail Williamssays:

November 11, 2016 at 5:15 pm

I solved the Thanksgiving---troglodyte relatives problem......I'm not going. The gloating of one fright-wing cousin after the 2000 election, (the one W really did steal) was enough.
There are several reasons for the outcome, but I am sickened by the hatred of women that's been revealed. HRC and I now have 4 things in common: we're women, graduates of the same college, on blood-thinners, AND will never be president!
It used to be said that a woman has to work twice as hard to get half as far as a man. I always felt that to be too optimistic. Now, it's that she may work 100 times as hard and be 10 times as smart, but she will still get nowhere!

(22)(7)

Meenal Mamdanisays:

November 11, 2016 at 4:37 pm

I think that we liberals have to learn to discuss issues by listening. One can never convince another of one's own point of view during an argument. It would be a loss of face for the other.
It is better to ask the other to elaborate on their reasons for holding such views. One can always indicate gently that one does not share these views without labeling them as retrogressive.
We can either talk only among ourselves or try to have a civil conversation with those with whom we disagree.

(26)(0)

Walter Pewensays:

November 11, 2016 at 2:36 pm

Many should consider DROPPING their Trump voting relatives. Horrible as it may sound to those of you with strong ties. If that is the person they are, think twice. They are not children, they know the things he's said against other human beings. Not everyone, but many people I think will find out it's now or maybe later. But it should happen, for your own soul and sanity.

(14)(18)

George Hoffmansays:

November 11, 2016 at 2:35 pm

The elites perched safely and smugly at the top of the hierarchy within the Democratic Party, much like Greek gods on Mount Olympus looking down on mere morals, made a strategic blunder when they threw Senator Bernie under the bus and put all their hopes on Hillary Clinton's run for the White House. But it was Hillary who had tire tread marks etched across her face in the morning after when she finally conceded her defeat. This defeat will rival Senator George McGovern's when he ran against Richard Nixon in the 1968 election. But to be honest, I experienced schadenfreude which bordered upon a spiritual epiphany when Donald Trump was declared the winner. I could never have voted for Hillary Clinton. But I served as a medical corpsman in Vietnam, abhorred war, and so I am an outlier among partisan readers at The Nation. I've actually seen and experienced the tragedy of the mother of all bullshit wars. Now in the wake of this debacle the Democratic Party has gone through, it's time for a coup d'etat of the political elites. The Democratic Party long ago abandoned working class Americans who once formed the base in the party . Yet the real surprise is even among formerly loyal Democrats in the middle and upper classes and then even college-educated men and women, they also fled the Democratic Party and they voted for Trump. Women who voted for Trump numbered by ten percent those who voted for Clinton. Facts are stubborn things.

(18)(13)

Walter Pewensays:

November 12, 2016 at 9:48 pm

Saying the unpopular truth is really verboten in any era. The elites of the Democratic party have had a long time to consider this. Sanders came along and did it, and suddenly the New York/DC mirror palace they dwell in shattered. Most of us born earlier were always with the Democrats because we did not have people like Joan Walsh telling us how it was going to be. FDR told the black help to use the front elevator. Today's elites don't even think about things like that. They are utterly abstracted Hey everybody, I'm a real life working class gay guy, not a stick figure Chris Hughes millionaire you can play act with as the Bay Area's gay power couple with his husband. Hughes is who they are interested in, not my crowd made up of those who made it through the 1980's while being shit upon and have ugly stories. Or George's ugly wartime stories. We are common. And the Dems have been seduced by any and all surrounding money. Not why we joined up in the first place.

(6)(1)

Leah K Mcsorleysays:

November 11, 2016 at 5:25 pm

People who make remarks about other's Olympian attitudes say a great deal about themselves.

(4)(5)

Suzanne Wheatsays:

November 11, 2016 at 11:51 am

I once dated a very narcissistic man who would say something like, for Xmas I'm giving you such and such. When Xmas arrived, no such thing materialized. He repeatedly made such statements that he, in fact, never intended to follow through on. When confronted, he replied, "Oh, those are just throwaway lines." I sense that your Trump voting relatives, sadly, may be onto something.

(17)(5)

Eddie F says:

November 11, 2016 at 12:43 pm

Yes, I have given up discussing politics with my Trump-supporting friends or family. It's hopeless