Dying Daily #174: Lucha Libre, Subjective Experience and Cops

Sunday Pop-Up wins.

Waking up and writing whatever pops into my head on these days seems like a good balance between easing off a little bit and still doing something worthwhile everyday.

I am writing this from the breakfast area of a hotel Fort Worth.

B wrestled at a Lucha Libre show last night, which was a lot of fun. I didn’t understand any of the dialogue, but the matches were all awesome, and everyone had a great time. I wonder about a lot of the hype around race sometimes. I know it is a great problem in some places, and I know very well that truly and profoundly racist people exist, but in my day-to-day and in the lives of many people from minority groups I get to speak with, it feels like the media often makes it seem as though we are all at war when we are not. I often wonder if there might be some kind of benefit for the people at the top to keep the rest of us divided along whatever lines they can.

Conspiracy stuff.

Someone did shout “The gringo again?!” when I won the raffle twice in a row though.

Less fun stuff: I had to get a steroid cocktail shot yesterday due to fever and coughing and sore throat and generally dying. We are headed from here to see my grandma, so that made me getting checked out really important.

Anyway, the shot makes me all kind of jittery and nervous, and I get pulled over for maybe the 2nd time in 18 years.

The speed limit dropped from 75 to 70 and I didn’t notice.

A few things from this:

I’ve been reading how habits are never beaten, only overwritten, and my habits for dealing with the police went haywire. I work with a lot of cops these days, and my perception and opinion on them has changed drastically. I see them as people now, and I generally like them as much I do anyone else, but this old shit is woven in deep. I got paranoid, didn’t know where to put my hands and was very conscious of a fear of getting jerked out of the car (a minivan, driven by a 38-year-old who doesn’t even drink or use drugs socially on his way to see his grandma with his wife and toddler) and a strong desire to argue and be combative with him. So much cognitive dissonance.

Weird ideas about what he might do. Should I take my sunglasses off? What if he cites me driving without them? Searches the car and plants something? What if I screwed up on my LTC application and I am carrying illegally? Could I possibly still have warrants out in this part of Texas? Illogical, distorted and even delusion thinking, but it is wired in there.

An immediate urge to justify myself by comparing to others. There were drivers passing me, I was in the slow lane, what about the motorcycle rider passing people on the shoulder?! I didn’t even see the sign! All irrelevant: I was speeding, it was my fault. I am at least happy I left it with that with the cop. I owned it and didn’t complain. Out loud at least.

I am deeply unhappy with myself for getting a ticket. Something inside of me to make a global assessment of myself based on it and beat myself up. It’s less about the money than screwing up, but it is eating me alive.

Lastly, remembering the humiliation of dealing with someone who can change your life in an instant if they choose, and the responses this brings up in me. It makes me angry and embarrassed and fearful (this is what the anger is really about) all at once. I know none of this is logical, but it is there, and it is a good chance to simply sit with things that are unpleasant. Let them come, let them go.

I am super fortunate to still get Spring Break at the age of 38. I am fortunate to have a wife who wrestles and a kid who enjoys it and another kid who is on his way to Florida with my parents to go to Disney World. I am listening to a great reading of Anna Karenina, The Undefeated Mind, and China: A History. All are excellent!

This next week will look at mindfulness and opinions, and we should get into habits. That one just turned out to be a little more involved than I expected.

Recent Posts

Click Here to Subscribe!

“My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it… but love it.” Nietzsche