Bride holds title of 'princess'

While the dress code at weddings isn't as strict as it used to be, some guidelines do still apply. Whether it's a barefoot beach ceremony or a black-tie ballroom reception, everyone should come dressed appropriately for their part:

Q: Do brides have to wear white?

A: "Brides can basically wear whatever they want," said Pamela Fiori, editor in chief of Town & Country magazine and creator of a column on manners.

"It's just traditional they wear white. White signifies virginity - and that's not usually the case with today's brides."

Still, most first-time brides do wear white because it's what they're used to and what everyone around them is used to.

Little girls dream of someday wearing a big, pouffy white ballgown at their weddings, and most do.

There are more flashes of color nowadays, though: usually a satin sash or colored ribbon running through white embroidery.

Second-, third- or fourth-time brides are a lot looser with the rules, Fiori said. "They usually prefer something more subdued, in beige or ecru. They can wear white, too, if they want to brave it."

Color also is OK for invitations and flowers.

Q: Does the bride have sole say over the wardrobe of the bridal party?

A: The power really is in the pursestrings, according to Fiori. If bridesmaids are footing the bill for their own dresses, they should be allowed input, even though the final choice does usually lie with the bride.

Occasionally, the bride pays for the dresses, usually when she has her heart set on a particular, pricey style. Still, it would be considerate for her to ask her attendants their opinion before making any selection.

Many designers and manufacturers now offer coordinated collections of three or four gowns in the same color and fabric so a bride can choose the material and let her attendants select the style that best suits them, notes Elizabeth Howell, spokeswoman at the Emily Post Institute, which publishes a book on wedding etiquette.

Q: What about the bride's mother, mother-in-law or stepmother?

A: "We're living in a very complicated world. Weddings have to adjust," Fiori begins.

Again, if the bride and groom are paying for the bulk of their wedding, their opinions carry more weight, even over the mothers' outfits. However, if the parents are paying, it dilutes the bridal couple's power.

"Striking the right balance is tricky," Fiori said.

"The bride has to be incredibly tactful, which is harder when the bride is young and not used to dealing at the level of United Nations politics."

If a mother's choice is too flashy or extravagant, it's fair for the bride to say that she had hoped the focus would be on her and the groom, and that the mother's dress might detract from that. "It's OK to say, 'It's my day to shine and be the princess,' " said Fiori.

If a mother's choice is too sexy or revealing, the bride might have to relay that message through her father (if it's her own mother involved) or through the groom (if it's his).

Traditionally, the bride's mother picks her dress before the groom's mother does, and the two should have some sort of casual coordination, Howell said. But, she adds, "There's no law that the mother-in-law has to wear beige and fade into the background."

Stepmothers often find themselves last in the chain, and should try to make the best of it.

"A stepmother might have to rise above a little more than everyone else to make everything go smoothly and for everyone to feel comfortable. It's one of the nicest gifts they could give," Howell said.

Q: A bride emerges from the dressing room of a bridal boutique and asks "How do I look?" Should she get an honest response?

A: If she's still shopping for her gown, yes, said Howell, but use tact. "There's a way to be honest without hurting her feelings. Say, 'I really liked that first one with the V-neck.' Try to make a comment on the positive."

If the bride does decide to go with the dress that wasn't your favorite, you don't want her to be nagged by that.