Musings About Life... After Birth

It's a rocky start over here, as I'm apparently out of coffee. Ouch. I thought about reverting to hot tea, but in one of my last bursts of organization inspiration I moved the bags I keep on hand to God knows where. (Stupid organization). So I'm basically hitting the ground running sans caffeine. Le sigh.

Here's wishing you all a full-loaded, productive, awesome week of wonderfulness. We have some great stories lined up, as well as some amazing giveaways. (And I mean really amazing. Like anyone-who-is-a-mom-would-elbow-her-bestie-in-the-face-for-a-chance-to-win amazing.)

PS. Want some other mom-related reading while I go scrape coffee grounds to munch on? Pop on over to YourTango, where I discuss Beyonce, Rachel Zoe, and foreplay. All in one post. What can I say, I gots skills.

When it comes to celebrities, I am most opinionated. Obviously, I know them all super-well, so I clearly have all sorts of gounds on which to form said opinions. I mean, doesn't three years of Us Weekly subscriber status offer one the right to judge? Um, I think so.....

Regarding Jessica Alba, I have never been a fan. I find her pretty and all, but my distaste for her comes from the fact that I think she's a really crappy actress who has been in a bunch of really crappy movies and therefore I think she's not so deserving of the fame she's earned. Sorry, Jess. That's just how I feel.

When I saw Jessica on the cover of the September Lucky magazine, I groaned. She's already not my fave, and there she is, looking not one ounce pregnant despite getting ready to give birth any day now, with the cover touting that she'll share her thoughts "on nudity, hating diets and her secret splurges." Gag all around. Imagine my surprise, then, when I read the story inside and found her comments about losing baby weight (in my opinion, one of the all-time worst task EVER) refreshing, honest and just flat-out awesome. Reading what she said made me want to literally cheer out loud, and I'm not being hyperbolic. Tell me you don't love what she says:

On her post-baby shape-up plans: "I have a hard time with portion control, so I have 1,200-calorie meals delivered. But I also work out, so basically I'm starving - it sucks."

Seriously, thank, you, Jessica, for admitting that the way celebrities drop their baby weight in record time is to a) pay lots of money for someone else to make them portion-controlled meals and ultimately, b) work out so much that they literally starve themselves. And, naturally, that that particular course of action sucks. Of course that's what they do, because there is NO OTHER WAY to lose 35 pounds in a freaking month. At all. I just loved hearing someone admit it and not be all, "I just have really good genes," or, "I did a lot of pilates when I was pregnant." Please.

On working out: "Working out every day for even just 45 minutes is good for my mental state. But getting dressed and actually doing it is the worst. It's hard to get motivated...In the gym, I have like five things to distract me "TV, iPod, magazines. Workout partners are good, too, so you can chat and not just drown in your own misery. Sorry, does that sound bad? I just hate working out."

Again, Jessica, I am loving your honesty here. i know the "I hate working out" statement isn't original or particularly Earth-shattering, but again, I love that she freely admits that working out makes her miserable and that essentially, she'd rather be sitting on the sofa watching the Real Housewives than on the treadmill. I feel that way, and I love hearing that someone else - especially someone who looks like her - admit that they have to force themselves to work out and that they don't just "loooove the endorphins!!!!" it provides them. A celebrity actually being real - especially about this kind of thing - just makes me happy.

Jessica, I heart you.

In light of Jessica's comments, I have now decided that I officially love her and will no longer diss or avoid reading stories about her. I will not, however, go and see "Spy Kids 14" or whatever the heck her next movie will be. Sorry, but I still do have some standards.

Two of my hugest celeb crushes are on Tina Fey and Jen Lancaster. (Is that weird?) Seriously, if I ever get approved by the Make a Wish foundation based on my recurring case of writer's block, my wish is totally going to be a cocktail hour with these two hilarious ladies.

Jen's hilarious, but she sometimes puts up serious posts that are spot on, like this one.

I wrote a response to the Casey Anthony verdict for YourTango's LoveMom blog in which I tried to shed some light on Casey's situation as a young single mom. I have faith in our justice system but no law degree, so I can't freak out or comment intelligently on what happened. But I will say that I think it's terrible that Caylee isn't with us anymore, and I know that one way or another it's Casey's fault. Casey's not going to prison since the jury found her not guilty, but as the public's pretty much condemned her to a life lived under a cloud of hatred, and hopefully that will amount to justice in itself.

Unless, as many are predicting, our reality tv-obsessed, unlikely celebrity-creating, whacked out society decides to throw money her way. Which is where you come in.

Jen's post sends out a call asking Americans to join together in a boycott of anything giving Anthony financial gain for the death of her daughter, and I'm signing up. In the capitalistic society in which we live, sometimes the most powerful way to vote is with your money, and I would like to ask all our readers to make it a point to avoid putting blood money in Anthony's pocket.

Don't buy the book.

Don't see the movie.

Don't even turn Liftetime on the week her made for TV movie airs. (Anyone else predicting Jennifer Love Hewitt?)

Whether or not Anthony killed her daughter, she definitely didn't save her. Don't let her get rich for failing her daughter. I'll end my post with Jen's words.

Congratulations on the wedding. You looked lovely. I didn't get up to watch it -- hello, three kids -- but, as I don't live under the rock, I feel like I got caught up pretty quickly. Leading up to the wedding, as you ran errands, you looked beautiful. As a bride you were stunning, and I've been really impressed with what you've worn since then. I think your style is flawless, and I love that -- odd headpieces aside -- you don't feel like you have to push the envelope of normal fashion in order to be fasionable. It works. And I'm impressed. And grateful, because I know you have a solid influence on fashion, and I'm really grateful that your influence balances out that of, say, Lady Gaga. Yin and Yang and all of that.

But girlfriend, I just read an article that said you are bringing back nude hose. If you're wearing them, then this is the truth. And I've seen pictures. Kate, I have to tell you, I feel personally betrayed. The fact that you are donning them in public is the butterfly flapping its wings that will cause a hurricane of stockings to descend on women the world over. I'm sure this time next year I'll own a few pairs, despite how wholeheartedly I rejoiced when they went out of vogue. Who am I to argue with fashion? And let's face it, Kate, you're fashion.

I just thought it may be worth asking you to abort this mission, for the comfort of moms everywhere. Sure, I don't work in an office, so I may be able to dodge this trend for the majority of my week. I wear jeans most days, and I generally only get dressed up on Sundays. But by the time I've wrestled all three of my children safely across the hot parking lot and into the church building, I'm usually a hot mess. (I mean this both literally and figuratively.) The addition of hose, suffocating me with their clinging ickiness, will only put me into a worse mindset...a mindset not properly suited to worship. Do it for God, Kate. Take off the stockings.

Women who wear stockings are more likely to commit crimes, I'm convinced of it. Moms whose legs are free from these nylon tethers will be better parents. We'll be more happy and patient. Hose will bring women to violence, Kate, or at least a painful level of constant irritation. To cut this trend off at the pass would be a humanitarian effort, Lady. Think of all the discomfort you could singlehandedly alleviate by simply refusing to wear hose. It.could.be.beautiful.

In the name of compromise, I suggest that you begin using Jergen's Body Glow. Like nude hose it banishes the pastiness of an untanned leg, won't run, and doesn't feel like a parasite trying to consume its host. I'll be one of the first to support your cause. Or perhaps sclerotherapy for the masses? I'd be happy to be your poster child.

As a journalist who writes “lifestyle” articles (think fashion, beauty, home, parenting, etc.), I am routinely sent information and new products from press agents and publicists, all in the hopes that I’ll report on said products, thus gaining exposure for them. This info comes through many channels - email and even snail mail sometimes, but most comes courtesy of the UPS and FedEx guys, both of whom visit me so often that we call each other by first names, trade stories about our kids, etc. I really rely on the proactive communication from publicists and press agents; without them, I would have to spend nearly every waking moment shopping and reading stuff online. Okay, so I pretty much do that anyway (when I’m not being the world’s most awesome mother, of course), but there are fantastic things and important news that I sometimes miss, and these men and women keep me from doing that.

Occasionally, however, I get a press release that’s just plane insanity, and not in a good way. Today was such an instance, when I received an email touting “The Tween Plastic Surgery Craze”.

What is the appropriate age to have plastic surgery? Why are so many teens coming in requesting procedures? Are they being teased at school? Is it peer pressure? More and more teens are having plastic surgery at a younger age to achieve that perfect nose, those perfect boobs, or that idea(sic) chin.

With rumors flying that celebs like Ashley Tisdale and Ashley(sic) Simpson have gotten facial plastic surgery makeovers, many teen girls see transformation and want similar results. According to the American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, cosmetic ear surgery or otoplasty was the most popular cosmetic procedure among teens in 2007.

“I generally won’t operate on a patient under age 18 unless there is an obvious deformity needing correction. One that if I didn’t fix, may leave psychological scars on the patient,” says Dr. Garth Fisher, board certified Beverly Hills plastic and reconstructive surgeon.

According to Dr. Fisher, the top 10 procedures requested by teens include:

So, in the release, “teens” and not “tweens” are referenced, so I’m not totally getting the release’s title, but whatever - it’s still nuts. OK, I get nose jobs and otoplasty (getting your ears pinned back), but there are teens/tweens getting facelifts and Botox? What? Have any of you heard of this ridiculousness actually happening?

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who I really, really dislike, returned to The View this morning after having been on maternity leave following the birth of her second child, son Taylor Thomas. Check out her glorious homecoming to the lamest group of daytime talk show hostesses ever by clicking here.

If there’s one thing that irks me more than talentless, Fox news-regurgitating, Stepfordfembots who are supposed to represent the ladies of my generation, it’s placing unrealistic weight loss expectations on post-partum moms. Despite this, I did tune in to watch Elisabeth and see how she looked. Clad in a crazy-printed, black and white empire-waist dress, you couldn’t really tell how much weight she had or hadn’t lost, and you know what - fine with me. Even though I am sure your producers will have an opinion on how quickly you need to lose that weight, I don’t care, Elisabeth. You just had your second kid, so don’t worry about it. Take your time.

What I do care about, however, Elisabeth, was your decision to get a spray-tan that made you look like a walking clementine. I’m assuming this was the case, as I have only seen babies “yellow” with jaundice post-birth, and not moms “orange “with whatever the heck might turn them orange. You looked like an oompaloompa, Liz. Go home and scrub that crap off with a Mr. Clean magic eraser.

Your, baby, however? Seriously, seriously cute. Call me for a play date. I need to talk some political sense into you anyway.

I’m not sure what is up with the latest trend in celebrity pregnancy denial. What I am sure about, however, is that it annoys the crap out of me.

First there was Christina Aguilera, who despite an ever-expanding belly (and even more significantly ever-expanding boobs - have you SEEN those things lately?) and a public “outing” by the loathsome Paris Hilton, did not confirm until Sunday that she was pregnant. She looks about 6 months along.

No way, Christina! You’re pregnant? Damn, I never would have called that!

The latest in those denying bun in the oven is Jennifer Lopez. Once she began rocking all sorts of empire-waisted ensembles that covered not only her belly but also the motor in the back of her Honda, people started suspecting something was up. Once photos of an obvious belly bump surfaced, and Roberto Cavalli, the designer responsible for her tour costumes confirmed her pregnancy, one would have assumed she’d come out with it. Even after Us Weekly ran a cover screaming “Yes, she’s pregnant!”, inside which the corresponding article suggested her own mother was roaming around town telling everyone it’s twins, no revelation occurred.

I’m not pregnant - my ass just moved into my uterus!

I totally get that deciding when to reveal your pregnancy is a very personal decision. Some come right out with it the minute they get 2 pink lines on their pregnancy test stick. Others wait until they’re past a certain gestation timeline before revealing to others that they’re pregnant. Either way is cool with me. Do what you (and your partner) gotta do.

What I don’t get, however, is the intelligence-insulting denial of the utterly, ridiculously obvious - especially when it seems everyone pretty much knows the truth. The argument that these ladies wish for a little privacy is downright hilarious to me. Are people honestly suggesting that Aguilera and Lopez, “vocalists” who dressed their barely legal selves up in leather assless chaps and writhed to a song called “Dirrrty” and wore a see-through Versace scarf dress cut down to her hoo-hoo to an awards show, respectively, want privacy? “No, no,” some have said, “that is their job, this is their life.” Really? If these two women hold the “intimate” details of their personal lives sacred, why then, did both make hugely public affairs of their engagements and weddings? Honestly, when it comes to publicity-seeking starlets, these two chicks are some of Hollywood’s prime examples. It just doesn’t compute.

The best hypothesis I can come up as to why these ladies kept and/or are keeping their mouths shut is that it’s yet another way to stay in the headlines. Even that’s not a good explanation, though, because the media is eagerly trailing the heels of Halle Berry, who has been more than public about her pregnancy. In fact, she’s getting more press than ever before.

Therefore, I’ve decided that what must be going on is that these women are total morons who think the American public - or anyone interested enough in what’s going on with them - are total morons. Who’s the biggest moron of all, however? Me, for writing about them.

Anyway, I posted that on a Thursday, and that Sunday noticed that I had been feeling PMSy for like 5 weeks, but hadn’t M’d. This wasn’t rare for me - I barely ever do so, but I figured taking a pregnancy test was probably in order, though I knew I wasn’t pregnant. Remember, I had to go through IVF to get pregnant with my first kid - I knew there was no way it just “happened”.

Well, apparently, it did:

My husband, holding the test I took . I always had these incredible fantasies of how I would tell him I was pregnant if I ever conceived naturally. In this case, however, I was in such shock that the minute he returned from running, I came out of our room and said, “Uh, dude…could you come look at this, please?”

My OB, Dr. Joan Loveland of DC’s Reiter, Hill and Johnson, was so excited for us, but wasn’t at all surprised. “I told you that this could happen!” she squealed when my husband and I went in for my first exam. “Pregnancy begets pregnancy. Your bod just kicked back into gear!” I had always heard about those women who went through all of the fertility crap or adopted and then BOOM - they get pregnant. I just never thought that was never gonna be me, but I guess I got lucky and it was. It’s only just starting to sink in now, and feel like it’s really real and not some dream from which I’ll soon wake up.

So, these past few months have been a crazy experience of disbelief, nausea, frequent pizza eating, exhaustion and excitement. My family and the Momtourage all knew, but I was waiting until the end of that first trimester to make it fully public. Now that I’m there, I’m as outed as Lance Bass, T.R. Knight and Doogie Howser all put together.

What’s cool is that 2 DC Momtourage members (Alicia, mom to Jesse, and another one who hasn’t yet come out) are both due with their second babies within in a few weeks of me. I’ve got 2 NY-area Momtourage friends (names to come later) a couple of months behind me, and 4 Atlanta momtourage friends (Sloane, Alice and 2 yet to be named ) all due within a couple months of me as well.

My due date is March 15. In the Roman calendar, this date is referred to as the Ides of March, best known because it is the date on which Julius Ceasar was assassinaed in 44 BCE (the story of which was famously retold in Shakespeare’s “Julius Ceasar”). The term has come to be commonly used as a metaphor for impending doom.

Vincenzo Camuccini, Mort de César, 1798Maybe this means I’m due for a Caesarean?

If that doesn’t bode well for a seamless pregnancy and birth and easy baby, I don’t know what does.

You all know I adore Perez Hilton’s celeb gossip blog, but for truly awesome celeb-targeted snark, there’s nothing better than The Superficial. The dude who writes it is seriously hysterical. Therefore, it’s no surprise he came up with my favorite comment on the trainwreck that was Britney’s VMA performance:

“Christ, 50 Cent has been shot nine times and was scared shitless sitting in the front row. Hes probably been up all night, clutching his blanket in fear that the Jiggly Girl will sloppily dance out of the closet at any second. God knows I was. I kept a Big Mac on my nightstand so I could distract her with it and make my getaway.”

The Kiefer CottageMeet the Kiefers: a quirky, lovable family of five on a quest to transform their 1940s Kansas City bungalow into the house of their dreams. The budget is small, the dreams are big, the creativity is inspiring. Check them out - you can thank us later. Happy reading, everybody!

Mrs. Meyer’s Clean Day® All Purpose CleanerI don't understand gals who claim to loooove cleaning. That said, I do get a certain joy from using Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day® All Purpose Cleaner to care for my home. You can't lose with this stuff...it is hard-working & earth-friendly, and will leave your abode smelling like a day spa instead of a chemical spill. Try Lemon Verbena in the kitchen and Basil in the bathroom. At only $7.99 a bottle, you can afford to pick up both!

True BloodUm, does this even need a caption? Doubtful, but let me just say that this is the hottest hour on television. Vampires are seriously sexy (especially Eric), and on this show you get to see a lot of them--if you get what I mean. Put the kids to bed and flip the channel to HBO on Sundays at 9 p.m. to taste the fun that is True Blood.

Valentino Bow Thong SandalsSo comfy and feminine, I know I'd wear them all summer. But dang, that much money for jellies? Possibly worth the splurge. $275, nordstrom.com

New Balance Kids’ Sneakers in wide sizesMy boys have wide feet, which means finding cute shoes for them is tough. These, however, rock. Prices vary, visit nbwebexpress.com to purchase.