Of courage and changes

Thursday, December 31, 2015 —

Filled with fear.

Like a bookworm opening a fresh book, exploring the first few pages of the year gave me so much excitement to see how my 2015 will turn out. I've closed myself most of 2014 but I promised myself I'd give this aspect of my life a chance. And so I did. I was happy and hopeful. But little did I know I still needed to learn so many things. I remember bawling my eyes out at Katipunan, asking my bestfriend what the hell is wrong with me. "Another failed whatever", I said. I felt the heaviness of the first quarter of 2014 like it was just yesterday; from intense flashbacks to "I never learned" wails. Headed to my other bestfriend after that depressing night. "I can't be alone", I said. But it's really true when they say time heals all wounds. I feel like I heal pretty fast now. I went on a trip with my bestfriend to Thailand and explored 2 cities: Bangkok and Phuket. And then the unexpected happened, someone asked for another chance to make things right. I usually never give second chances, but for the first time ever in my life, I did. Thought everything was smooth sailing, until one shocking incident. All I can remember was me walking out that door, promising to never go back. At this point, I started re-evaluating my choices and decisions in life.

I started focusing on myself and what I want to do with my life. Questions like "why do I keep filling the void inside me with the wrong things?" and "are my heart's desires aligned with God's desires for me?" I tried out a different job, realized it wasn't for me, stayed in Japan for 2 weeks, felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore, went sad-crazy-angry, forgave people. I let it all sink in then I finally saw the sun again. Without anyone's help, I lift myself up. Because it hit me: no one can save yourself but you. I can't let desolating moments bring me down so bad to the point that I lose myself. I can't wrap myself with fear, bitterness and pride because in the end, I'm going to be the one who will suffer the consequences.

I didn't think that the bungee jumping I did this year had a big significance in my life. For a person who's deathly afraid of heights (and can't even stand rollercoasters), I didn't think I could do it... but I did. I let go of all my apprehensions and jumped into the unknown. I thought I wasn't going to make it (felt like I was going to pass out/have a heart attack lol), but I did. And in that moment, I finally knew how it feels to be truly free. I really am bigger than my fears.

I've always been on the safe side. I was the kind of person who didn't like taking risks, always into self-preservation and calculated risks. This 2015, I discovered a different side of me. A girl with a positive mind full of hope, a forgiving heart full of unconditional love, and a grace-filled soul full of joy.