Monday, June 28, 2010

Summer time is officially here and it is hot. I'm not complaining though, because hot here, means really hot in surrounding areas.

This, for some reason is always a sad time of year form me. The days start getting shorter. Not noticeably, yet, but definitely getting shorter by about 20- 30 minutes per month. That leaves plenty of time for riding and playing, but still......

I'm continuing to learn a lot about my past and how I was taught and treated. I'm realizing that the ways I was taught to act and react are not always the best. I have also realized, due to my recent confrontation, that I don't have to act like I was taught, and I don't have to feel bad about that.

If the things I am doing or saying and the way I am acting is offensive to people around me, I am the one who needs to adjust. Typically, it is not your fault if I offend you. I have no right to tell you to " get over it", or "toughen up", "lighten up" etc.

I have realized that I lack a genuine sensitivity towards people in general.

I have spent most of my life searching for approval. And when I did not get that from a young age, I developed coping mechanisms to deal with that lack of approval. One of those coping mechanisms is sarcasm.

I can be extremely sarcastic, and I am good at it. Now that I realize how detrimental , I am not proud of it. There is a healthy bantering that occurs between friends and that is great. But, when I use my sarcasm to make myself feel better and use it to bully those around me, it becomes verbal/emotional abuse. And it is wrong.

I recently realized that I have trouble maintaining close friendships. One of my previous supervisors, who I respect and trust, looked at me during one of our meetings and said" You have trust issues". I balked and could not believe that she would say such a thing. But I hung on to that thought and processed it. A couple of years later, I was able to trace the trust issues to the roots. ( I"ll hopefully share that with you in the future).

Interestingly, now that I can see the root of the problem, I can start to deal with it. In a sense I am starting over, rebuilding who I am and becoming who I want to be. Becoming a better friend and making myself vulnerable. The cool thing is, I find people wanting to spend time with me. It seems that people feel more at ease around me, probably because I am not ripping them apart and judging them. I guess I would not have wanted to hang around me either!