The Portland Trailblazers’ team website caught up with forward Nicolas Batum, who talked about his infamous nut-punch this summer during the Olympics. Batum regrets the incident:”What I’m mad about is what I showed to people about myself, what I showed about the game, about France, everything,’ said Batum. ‘I feel bad about it because that’s not me. I’m human. I lost it. I just lost it. You don’t want this type of action. I can’t do it. You can’t see that on the court. If the (International Basketball) Federation or the Olympics want to suspend me a couple games or fine me, I’m okay with that. I won’t say anything.’ Batum didn’t like what he was seeing after enduring a lockout season, a prolonged contract negotiation and an earlier than expected exit from the Olympics. So for the first time in years, Batum forced himself to step away from the court in order to rest his body and gain some perspective. ‘The (offseason) was really crazy for me. I needed rest. The first time, I think in six or seven years, that I got much time to rest before the season starts. I really needed it… Over the last 20 days I got some rest, but I know I have to be ready for this year so I came early this year because I want to be with the team. I want to show them that you can trust me.’ [...] ‘This city and these fans know the game. They’ve had a lot of different, great players here,’ said Batum. ‘So with the contract I got, people expect huge things from me, and I understand that. So I don’t want to disappoint them. I just want to bring it every night. I know my game. I know I can do something good. I know that. I know who I am and I know what I can do, but I have to work harder to be a great player. I want to be something in this league. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have some bad nights sometimes. Everyone has a bad night, but I’m going to try to have a lot of great and good nights.’”

Nicolas Batum believed Spain was flopping all game, so he decided to punch Juan Carlos Navarro in the groin to “give him a good reason to flop.” Uh, sure. Reasonable enough. Watch the French guard bring the pain in the video above.

However young, imbalanced or redundant this Team USA may seem, nobody can argue against the individual credentials we’ll trot out against Croatia on Saturday night. Odom and Billups are NBA champions, Rose has a ROY trophy on his mantle piece, and Durant’s had to slide his over to make room for the hardware that came with his scoring title. The other eight guys didn’t make it to Turkey by accident, either. But in the 16 years since we’ve won a FIBA World Championship, talent has never been the issue—save the 1998 lockout team which included collegiate guys like Mateen Cleaves and Trajan Langdon along with veteran non-NBAers like Wendell Alexis and Jimmy Oliver.

Where we’ve stumbled is in our approach; this is a basketball team, not a batting order. Taking turns dribble-driving a zone is a method not once diagrammed on a whiteboard nor featured in an instructional video, yet we’ve stayed at it for years and foolishly expected different results. This year’s team puts me more at ease as an American. Maybe it’s the way we’re using defense to spark breaks, maybe it’s the pleasant absence of egos and third person references. Can’t decide. And while I believe this is the year the drought ends, it’s not because we won’t face the deepest competition in World Championship history. Make no mistake that we’re no longer at the point where Dirk’s absence leaves Germany impotent or where guys like Andrew Bogut can’t afford to heal for a summer. The world has gone into reload mode. Ignore these names at your own peril:

1. Juan Carlos Navarro, Spain: He has more shots in his bag than John Daly at the liquor store.2. Luis Scola, Argentina: Jordan had his tongue thing. Luis has his jet black hair neatly tucked behind his ears.3. Tiago Splitter, Brazil: Antagonist of upcoming Stallone joint, Rocky VII: Rumble in Rio. He must split you.4. Linas Kleiza, Lithuania: The Keanu of the court. You know he’s The One, but sometimes he disappears like Shane Falco. Exactly why Kestutis Kemzura brought along Laurence Fishburne and Gene Hackman as special assistants.5. Ricky Rubio, Spain: A bell rings over the Target Center’s PA system every three hours. Moments later, you’ll find David Kahn facing Barcelona and praying on a bamboo mat.6. Nicolas Batum, France: He’s done some serious work on the biceps, triceps and shoulders this offseason. That NBA Most Improved Player Trophy is heavier than it looks.7. Goran Dragic, Slovenia: Derek Fisher just collapsed with dizzy spells.8. Hedo Turkoglu, Turkey: Just received word that Hedo has asked Turkey to trade or release him. He could not be reached for comment, however, as he was being treated for flu-like symptoms at a Toronto nightclub.9. Dimitris Diamantidis, Greece: The recurrence of Ds in his name is no coincidence. It would be the equivalent of Woolt Choomberlain or Karoom Abdool-Jaboor.10. Viktor Khryapa, Russia: When Mikhail Prokhorov signed Travis Outlaw’s contract, he closed his eyes and imagined it was Viktor.11. Ersan Ilyasova, Turkey: So you’d like to see the home team succeed but can’t get past your dislike for Hedo? Ersan’s your guy.12. Leandro Barbosa, Brazil: Sofastthatpunctuationwasnotanoption.13. Marc Gasol, Spain: More aerodynamic since edging up his Hagrid-esque facial sweater.14. Jose Juan Barea, Puerto Rico: Barry Sanders with a basketball.15. Milos Teodosic, Serbia: The owner of the floppy-wristed bitch jab that sparked the Krstic-Sofo-chair hullabaloo. That wrist will be just as floppy after stroking triples in your favorite guard’s grill.16. Rudy Fernandez, Spain: If Nate McMillan wants to get anything for Rudolph the Blonde-tipped Rain-threer, he’d better hold him for ransom in Istanbul.17. Vassilis Spanoulis, Greece: Team most likely to offer him another NBA contract: Minnesota Timberwolves. A) The Wrath of Kahn knows no bounds and B) Chances of being broadcast by ESPN—and Jeff Van Gundy—are minimal. Pen pals, those two are not.18. Aleks Maric, Australia: If Nebraska had basketball fans, they would revere him.19. Boris Diaw, France: Playing like the Diaw of ’06. Weighing like Precious at the Oscars. 20. Anderson Varejao, Brazil: Coming up with a quip neither hair nor LeBron-related has proven too difficult.21. Carlos Delfino, Argentina: One of the few Argentinians not e-mailing FIBA about its 401 (k) policies.22. Yi Jianlian, China: Yi’s teammates treat his scoring output like businesses treat charitable donations: they’ll match it, one-for-one.23. Patrick Mills, Australia: Quicker than a Shake Weight. Slightly less suggestive.24. Fran Vazquez, Spain: …is better than Tyson Chandler in 24 different ways.25. Marko Tomas, Croatia: You can have your Jacob and Edward. I’m #TeamMarko. Yeah, I just tagged that.26. Nenad Krstic, Serbia: The No-Hair Growing, Metal Chair Throwing, Kraljevo Serbia Phenomenon has been suspended for three games and docked 45,000 Swiss Francs for his callous acts against an innocent Athenian chair last week. The joke’s on FIBA though, as Nenad doesn’t even live in Switzerland. Silly FIBA.27. David Andersen, Australia: Luckily the Hawks traded this guy away for absolutely nothing. Why? Because we’ve got Jason Collins and Randolph Morris. That’s why.28. Marcelo Huertas, Brazil: For those who correctly pronounced Jasikevicius and instantly felt ahead of the hoop curve, add Huertas to your vocabulary.29. Andy Rautins, Canada: Our three overlapping years at Syracuse gave me an inside look at Andy’s secret to injury prevention, so I’ve packed three extra cans of silly string in the case his joints unhinge.30. Sasha Kaun, Russia: If this Jayhawk’s a rockin’, don’t come a chalkin’. That was pretty bad. He’s really good though.31. Ante Tomic, Croatia: Euroleague.net’s player profiles do not include weight. Ante is among the chief beneficiaries of this policy.32. Novica Velickovic, Serbia: Get ready for a lethal dose of Novicaine with Milos and No-Nads in timeout.33. Omer Asik, Turkey: Don’t get he and his also-NBA-bound teammate Semih Erden confused. Asik (Bulls) is the one who actually belongs in the League. The Celtics will soon learn that Erden does not.34. Sergio Llull, Spain: He has a playground game stuck in a professional body. And I mean that in the best way imaginable.35. Angel Vassallo, Puerto Rico: The offensive half that Renaldo Balkman amputated years ago.36. Roko Ukic, Croatia: Will Ukic and Tomas learn to share? Or will Marko be the Lennon to Roko’s Yoko?37. Joel Anthony, Canada: Seeing as he’ll be the Heat’s number one scoring option this season, he’d be wise to hone his go-to guy skills in Turkey.38. Ioannis Bourousis, Greece: Just because he’s getting the cast off his hand won’t stop him from playing like he has one around each foot. (He’s slow.)39. Jan Jagla, Germany: You were expecting a different 7-foot, blonde-headed German with an affinity for the three-point line?40. Bojan Bogdanovic, Croatia: With the exchange rate skewed in favor of the Euro, 1 Bogdanovic = 1 Jason Kapono.41. Nic Calathes, Greece: His Florida Gator farewell was a tad less controversial than Christian Drejer’s. Results, also smoother. (Drejer retired at 26 due to foot injuries.)42. Giorgos Printezis, Greece: Gerald Wallace thinks he’s reckless.43. Elias Harris, Germany: Strange how a German will be an All-American come next April.44. Carlos Arroyo, Puerto Rico: PR’s newest reggaeton sensation hasn’t yet struck the balance between sports and music quite like Carl Lewis. 45. Kirk Penney, New Zealand: In a Group D that includes four of this list’s top six—Kleiza, Navarro, Batum, Rubio—this Kiwi will lead the way in scoring. Related story: are yawl as bummed as I am that they’re canceling Flight of the Conchords? Penney: present.46. Sofoklis Schortsanitis, Greece: His two-game suspension came as a relief. You see how far he skipped across that floor in pursuit of Nenad? Dude’s not cut out for those sorts of cardiovascular challenges.47. Timofey Mozgov, Russia: Run for cover. The Mozgov Cocktail’s about to blow.48. Bostjan Nachbar, Slovenia: The ‘J’ in his name is silent, but you wouldn’t know when his stroke’s working.49. Hamed Haddadi, Iran: My solution for world peace: Obama and Kwame Brown vs. Ahmadinejad and Hamed Haddadi. Winner gets the other nation’s nuclear weapons. Loser keeps Kwame Brown.50. Sani Becirovic, Slovenia: Inclusion in SLAMonline’s top 50 is one of the perks of being the coach’s son.

Nick Gibson is the creator of Euroleague Adventures, an American blog/podcast devoted to international basketball. He took last year off of school to travel around Europe and track Nikoloz Tskitishvili’s development which, frighteningly, was far less expensive than a semester at Syracuse University. He can be reached at nsgibson@syr.edu.

Ricky Rubio will be wearing an NBA jersey two seasons from now. Josh Childress might beat him by a year. But in all of the press conferences leading up to tonight, neither have muttered those three letters; they have some things to take care of in France first. Either Ricky’s Barcelona or Childress’ Olympiacos is 40 minutes away from a spot atop the European basketball world as the Euroleague championship tips off tonight. It should be a fun one. For any questions you may have regarding personnel, please refer to your Euroleague Player Guide.

FIRST QUARTER

A quick three by Kleiza from the wing. Rubio answers with a deuce. Next trip down it’s a Teodosic two. Not to be outdone, Pete Mickeal strokes one for Barcelona. So yeah, I think we might see some scoring in this one. With teams that averaged 58% shooting in a combined 42 games, I’d expect nothing less.

Kleiza should think twice before trying to dunk on Fran Vazquez. Now he’s clutching his hip. So maybe thrice.

Gianluca Basile steps inside the three-point line for the first time all season. Wait a minute, sources are telling me it may be the second time. We’ll have to go to video review. It ended well though, as Terence Morris drills it in with two hands on the baseline. Those are the types of bunnies that left him with an 82% shooting mark this year from inside the arc.

It’s 28-19 in favor of Barcelona at the end of the first. Oly/Barca combined to go 6/10 from three-ville and Barcelona didn’t turn it over once. Oly needs to step it up a bit on defense. Not their forte, but unfortunately an inescapable part of basketball games (defense, that is).

SECOND QUARTER

The Barcelona fútbol team walks in through the tunnel as the second gets underway and they draw one of the biggest ovations of the night. Can’t I have just one romantic weekend alone in Paris with basketball? Lionel Messi is hoop-blockin’.

Theo Papaloukas just made JC Navarro look stupid silly on the break. Vujcic picks up the loose ball and gets it going on the break, shovels it aside to Theo who inside-outs Navarro and yams all over the place. Either there’s something in the water or it’s 2006. One or the other.

Side note: aforementioned break was started by an Olympiacos steal. Their first turnover forced all night. Took them 15 minutes to do it. If you wait around for Barcelona to make mistakes, it probably won’t happen guys.

Fran Vazquez is channeling his inner-Serge Ibaka. Five blocks already and it’s not even halftime.

Ricard Rubio steals one in the backcourt and lays it in. The first pocket he picked belonged to Ramunas Siskauskas. This time Papaloukas is the victim. Legends, both. Not exactly padding his stats against Bert and Ernie.

Vazquez has his piggyback ride atop Big Sofo cut short by the whistle.

Rubio gets what was coming to him: ripped in the backcourt himself. Childress was the aggressor, Ioannis Bourousis drops it in with nobody around.

A Childress steal and a quarter-court heave leaves us at 47-36. Halftime.

HALFTIME

Here comes the ‘future of European basketball’ as the All-Tournament team from this weekend’s Nike Juniors accept their awards. The PA Announcer needs to give it a rest though: “And now…and now Insep is lifting their trophy…because they are…the winners! From Paris! The locals, they will be playing for great European clubs one day. Like Olympiacos or Regal Barcelona, both of those clubs. And very many…other clubs! In Europe!” We get it, big guy.

Barcelona: Navarro 12, Mickeal 10, Rubio 7.

Olympiacos: Bourousis 9, Teodosic 7, Papaloukas 8

THIRD QUARTER

Anyone have a Richter scale handy? Sofo sives on the floor for the loose ball, scoops it into Josh’s hands and he goes baseline for the bucket. Olymiacos cuts the lead a much more manageable 7.

I don’t think Scoonie Penn and Victor Sada think much of each other. So that brings the “People who don’t think Scoonie is super awesome” count to 1.

Leads still at 7, 52-45 after Kleiza and Mickeal trade hoops. 5:29 to go in the quarter.

Just saw an Olympiacos baby. On its (A baby can be an ‘it’ right?) ears, a pair of giant headphones. That’s what I call loving parents.

If you let him chill around the rim, his N’Dong is bound to be all up in your Boniface, Ioannis. And one. A Bonified three-point play.

Navarro hits a little running, floater-ish, hook shot thing. I want to say his ‘trademark’ move, but he shows me something different every time he leaves his feet.

Kleiza comes down on the other end and posts up Morris. Pumps, pivots, puts it in. If it has a name, Giannakis should call that play more often.

64-50 at the end of the third. Not looking good for Linas and Co.

FOURTH QUARTER

Rubio gets thing going with a rip and a lay-up on the other end. Milos Teodosic jogs a few steps behind and watches him toss it off the window. Maybe somebody should let him know this is the Euroleague Final. How about some hustle, Mr. MVP?

So I hear that kid from the Twilight movie is starring in the new Stretch Armstrong movie. Depending on how far along they are in production, Boniface should get a look. Elastic-armed block on Sofoklis. Nasty.

Just handed in my ballot for Final Four MVP. Rubio if Barcelona closes the deal, Childress if Olympiacos has a miraculous 5:09. Rubio’s had a quiet night tonight and only dished two assists, but I can’t vote for Navarro after his ice cold semifinal. It is a cumulative award after all. Also considered Pete Mickeal who has 14 tonight and had 8 in the first quarter against CSKA. He was absent for the next three periods though, so Rubio gets the hardware almost by default. My guess is my fellow media men will give it to Navarro. That just seemed like the boring move.

Even after watching nearly every game of his Atlanta career, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him this heated. The mouth guard has saved ESPN some ‘bleeps.’

Rubio hasn’t played since I voted him as my MVP. If these other guys start piling stats, it might end up looking like a premature decision. And he has the warm-ups on. Not good for me.

The M-V-P chants are raining down on Navarro as he shoots his free throws. I wonder how Milos Teodosic feels about this one.

He probably feels worse after missing that three. We’re under a minute and an Erazem Lorbek long one makes it 86-65.

Can someone please get a picture of Ricky Rubio sitting on Fran Vazquez’s shoulders? I have a feeling we’ll be seeing that one on Euroleague.net tomorrow morning.

And a 3, and a 2, and a 1…Regal Barcelona finishes their season with an amazing record of 21-2. Now the conversation begins: is this the best team in European history? There’s certainly an argument.

PA Announcer: We are aware Barcelona won. We are aware Olympiacos lost which makes them ‘the second best team in Europe.’ Chill. Let the moment breathe for a minute.

Kleiza didn’t like the feel of that silver around his neck. Took it off instantly.

And your Final Four MVP is…Juan Carlos Navarro. So that’s a Euroleague MVP, a championship and a Final Four MVP in two years since his voluntary departure from Memphis. I doubt he has any regrets. This is Juan’s second title, but the 2003 squad belonged to the legendary Dejan Bodiroga. Now Juan’s got one all to himself. He’ll never say it, but that has to feel terrific.

Freddie Mercury to the rescue! “We Are the Champions” drowns out my good pal, the PA guy.

Easily the best postgame quote, courtesy of the classy Pete Mickeal: “Unbelievable. I feel complete. For the first time in my life, I feel complete.”

What a weekend. Thanks, SLAM.

Nick Gibson is the creator of Euroleague Adventures, an American blog/podcast devoted to international basketball. He’s convinced Trajan Langdon is the next Chris Mullins and still thinks the Cavs will rue the day they passed on Darko. He is taking a year off of school to travel around Europe and track Nikoloz Tskitishvili’s development which, frighteningly, is far less expensive than a semester at Syracuse University. He can be reached at freaknick@euroleagueadventures.com.

Terence Morris, Maryland: A tweener forward who averaged around 15 and 8 in his final three years for the Terps, Morris was drafted by the Hawks in ’01 (one pick before Brian Scalabrine who, let’s be real, should have been in Europe years ago) and shipped to the Rockets where he played two seasons before heading to the NBDL. A quick stop in Greece then back to the Magic to play in 22 games in 2005. After a year for Jerusalem he signed with Israeli power Maccabi Tel Aviv where he earned All-Euroleague First Team honors. One year with CSKA Moscow and now here he is in Barcelona playing in another Final Four against his old mates. The funny thing with Terence is that what plagued him in college and the pros—a weak field goal percentage—has been his greatest ally in Europe. Get this: in 19 Euroleague games this season, Morris has holed 31-38 shots from inside the arc. That’s 82%. That’s Artis Gilmore against highchoolers, if Artis could also knock down 44% of his threes.

Pete Mickael, Cincinnati: Pete Mickael’s basketball passport doesn’t have much space left for stamps. A JuCo player of the year for Indian Hills Community College in 1998 after leading them to consecutive league championships, he played two seasons for Bob Huggins at Cincy and played well, averaging 14.9 and 13.5 points respectively. Undrafted, signed by the Knicks then let go, a season for the ABA’s Tampa Bay Thunder Dawgs (if anyone knows where to buy a T-shirt…holler), an MVP season with the ABA’s Kansas City Knights, some games for Peristeri Athens in 2003, Dynamo Moscow in ‘04, Makedonikos Kozani of the Greek League in ‘05, Spain’s Breogan Lugo in ‘06 before Korea’s Daegu Orions in ‘07, Tau Ceramica (now Caja Laboral) in ’08 and ’09 and here he is sidekicking Juan Carlos Navarro in Barcelona. That, ladies and gents, is your quintessential international basketball career.

ONE YOU SHOULD KNOW

Fran Vazquez: If you’ve watched any Rubio highlights this year—you know you have—Fran would be the white dude with the long head and longer arms throwing down on the break and turning alleys into oops. Already the All-Time Euroleague blocked shots leader at the age of 27, Fran swats away all of the garbage that gets past Ricky and Co. up top. Basically, he’s the 2007 Tyson Chandler to Rubio’s Chris Paul. Minus some rebounds. Plus some points on his free throw percentage.

Fran doesn’t have many fans in Orlando though, after the Magic took him with the 11th< pick in the 2005 Draft and he decided to stay in Spain. And while 2005 wasn’t a great draft for the Magic, it was a wonderful year for the 2010 EL Final Four. Other F4ers taken that year: Linas Kleiza, Olympiacos (27th to the Blazers); Erazem Lorbek, Barcelona (46th to the Pacers); Lawrence Roberts, Partizan (55th to the Sonics). Ersan Ilyasova was taken 36th by the Bucks and played in last year’s Final Four for Barcelona, so he missed out on this year’s Parisian reunion.

And if your friends told you that Vazquez portrayed one of Capital One’s ‘Ivan Brothers’ in their NCAA Tournament advertisements, they’re not alone. It was widely reported—by which I mean occasionally blogged—that Fran was Big Ivan while Little Ivan was Ryan Pettinella who also has played professionally in Spain. First of all, this was quickly pointed out as being completely false. Secondly, you should probably find friends that talk about cooler things.

Scouts is watching: Ricky Rubio/Xavier Rabaseda. You’d think me silly if I said Rubio’s best asset is his defense, but on this team it’s true. With Juan Carlos Navarro raining 3’s and dropping in his patented runners, Rubio is essentially a bonus scorer. Not only did this lift some pressure off of his not-yet-unboney shoulders, but it also reinforced his primary mission: lock down the guy in front of you. With Jaka Lakovic and Gianluca Basile both a little laterally challenged in their latter years, Rubio has been a Godsend for Coach Xavi Pascual. No wonder he was runner-up for Defensive Player of the Year and the landslide victor of the Euroleague’s Rising Star Award.

As for Señor Rabaseda, I was quite confused when he put his name into the NBA Draft hat. Confused mostly because I hardly knew who he was. From nearby Girona, Spain, the 21-year-old, 6’7” off-guard has had the chance to show his stuff with the veteran Lakovic sidelined with an injury. After 11 total points in his first four partidos with Barcelona, he put down 10 in their most recent ACB contest, an 86-55 win over Bilbao Basket. I think he’ll withdraw his name before too long, but by declaring early he’s forced himself onto the radars of scouts who, like me, had nary a clue who this kid was about 20 days ago.

The grizzled veteran: Gianluca Basile. Besides looking like Rubio’s dad, the 35-year-old Basile has made a name for himself by shooting threes, and a lot of them. Now limited to a bench role, his 2pt/3pt ratio has only gone skyward, as his 15 2-point attempts were nearly quadrupled by his 59 bombs. Though he’s used sparingly now, he got enough shots up in his prime to top the Euroleague all-time three-pointers chart. Incredibly, all four of the guys behind him on the list will be firing away in the CSKA-Barcelona opener: J.R. Holden, CSKA Moscow; Jaka Lakovic, Barcelona; Juan Carlos Navarro, Barcelona; Trajan Langdon, CSKA Moscow. Just think about that. Again, incredible.

Nothing to do with anything: Boniface N’Dong first moved to the ACB to replace injured Unicaja center Daniel Santiago. This summer he signed a €3.2 million deal with Barcelona to replace—you guessed it—Daniel Santiago, who moved to Efes Pilsen.

They’ll run you off the court if you don’t attack them outside-in. In the Top 16, Barcelona allowed their opponents an insanely low 66 points per game, easily the best in the league. For some perspective, fellow Final Fourer Olympiacos let up 84 points per game over that same span. After watching Barcelona devour nearly all comers, I’m convinced of two things:

1) Everyone wants to take shots at Rubio. With all eyes on the precocious young Timberwolf, guards know they can make a name for themselves with some blow-bys or a couple of broken ankles. A forced mess ensues.

And 2) You better add another wrinkle to your bread n’ butter pick n’ roll if you want to fool these guys. Even if you do, Vazquez and N’Dong are the best in the biz at weakside recovery swattage.

You can beat them if you can make them take 34 shots from inside the arc and miss exactly 21 of them, and at the same time trick them into taking precisely 23 threes and making 19 free throws. But no, seriously. In both of their losses—one on the road against Partizan in the Top 16 and another against Madrid in the playoffs—Barcelona went 13/34 on 2-point attempts. They also shot 23 triples in each loss, making 7 against Partizan and 6 against Madrid. If all that weren’t coincidental enough, they went 19/25 from the stripe vs. Madrid and hit all 19 free throws in Pionir Arena. I couldn’t make this up.

How they paid for their trip to Paris: Talent is nice and so is depth, but it doesn’t matter one iota if egos get in the way. Dominant harmony such as this occurs only when MVP’s like Navarro are OK with playing 24 minutes per game, All-Euroleaguers like Morris are cool with only getting a few shots per game and vets like Basile and Lakovic gracefully yield to Rubio’s evolving genius.

I’m gonna be honest. I’m no fan of the annual rookie-sophomore game. Sure, it’s fun to see the guys you wouldn’t ordinarily get to see (not many Memphis and Milwaukee games on national TV), and it’s normally a high-scoring affair with lots of dunks and fast breaks.

But it also encapsulates everything that’s wrong with American basketball. Still. Understanding that it’s more or less an exhibition game, there’s still no defense, bad passes by the pound, and virtually no shots that aren’t either a three or a dunk. There’s little chance that a rookie-sophomore game will ever be used as a coaching tool, unless it’s to say “don’t play like this.”

That said, when 9 p.m. rolled around, I was tuned into TNT like everyone else. Some observations:

PREGAME

Ernie, Chuck and the Jet are at mid-court, addressing both the TV audience and the people in the arena. Ernie doesn’t seem to understand that the microphone is amplifying his voice—stop shouting, please.

Al Horford handles the rookie intros like a pro, right down to Spanish inflections for Juan Carlos Navarro (he rolls the hell out of the R’s) and nicknames when necessary. Good that he has something to fall back on just in case the whole basketball thing doesn’t work out. He’s one of the guys I really want to see play, because I’m not interested in watching a Hawks game on purpose. Sorry, Lang.

Rudy Gay introduces the sophomores acceptably, but with far less flair—although he pretends to not know Jordan Farmar’s name, which is kind of funny. Farmar winks at him. Rudy better be more creative in the dunk contest.

I told someone yesterday that I wanted to play a drinking game during this game—doing a shot when someone either makes a smart defensive play or a conservative pass. Could start that one with an empty bottle.

FIRST HALF

Two 20-minute halves for this game. Not sure why they don’t make it a regular 48-minute game with quarters like any other NBA game. It’s not like it’s an event-filled night (other than parties and such).

Whoa, Ernie, Chuck and Jet are actually calling the game. Good deal. Charles is lauding sophomores Brandon Roy and Rudy Gay, and Kenny likes Juan Carlos Navarro, who’s one of three rookies over the age of 27. The others are Jamario Moon and Luis Scola. I wonder how many All-Stars are UNDER the age of 27, but not enough to actually look it up. Off the top of my head, Dwight, Bron, Melo, CP3, Dwyane.

Either Craig Sager is dressed really subdued (which is weird for him, especially in New Orleans) or they invented some kind of new filter to shoot him with.

Kevin Durant is apparently wearing his new signature shoe, but I can’t see it behind this awful yellow glare. Oh, those ARE his shoes. Nevermind. (A check of Yahoo! Photos later reveals that LaMarcus Aldridge is wearing the same shoes in red. Odd.)

The first two baskets are dunks from the sophomores. Of course.

The stands are filled with pink-clad kids, who haven’t stopped shrieking three minutes in. Enthusiasm is great, but man. Then again, it’s better than having the seats filled with random corporate sponsors and whatnot. (The pink jerseys they’re all wearing are courtesy of T-Mobile.)

Durant is in control for the rookies, at least on the scoring side of things. Although Al Horford is making his presence known on the boards and is Chuck’s pick for ROY. Mine too, actually. He’s nearly averaging a double-double for a team that’s still in the playoff chase (even if it’s in the East). Durant, meanwhile, is putting up great scoring numbers on lousy shooting for a team that’s headed right back to the lottery. KD might be great someday, but Horford is a difference maker already.

Durant with a great lookaway to Horford for the open dunk—rookies up 1 with 12:50 to go.

Well, that doesn’t last long. Rudy Gay for three.

Sager sits down between KG and LeBron. KG is in his usual sweater over shirt and tie and huge diamond earrings, Bron is wearing an ugly leather jacket that looks like something from Chess King and has lines shaved into his head. He looks like he should be in a Naughty By Nature video.

Horford, NASTY follow dunk of a Durant miss. Charles is talking about him incessantly, and I can’t blame him.

Lots of jumpers are going off the back rim. To me, that’s a sign that guys might be a little overexcited.

Apparently Paul Millsap hasn’t missed a game since junior high.

Sean Williams coast-to-coast!

Deron Williams and Chris Paul are sitting next to each other in All-Star row. Gotta wonder whether Paul is needling Williams for not making the ASG—probably not. Paul’s too nice a guy for that.

Sean Williams goes coast-to-coast again, and finishes with the oop to himself off the backboard. First time that’s happened in the rookie game, I think. Somewhere Jamal Crawford and Tracy McGrady are smiling.

Boobie Gibson drops a long trey and follows it with another one. Bron is on his feet.

Williams with a follow, and Boobie with ANOTHER three. Bron is still up, pacing the baseline like an expectant father. By the way, Boobie’s my choice to win the three-point shootout.

Boobie for three, AGAIN. He’s got a star shaved into his head, which seems entirely appropriate. More appropriate than Lamar Odom’s anyway. And finally a miss.

Farmar to Roy, who tries to bang it on Sean Williams. Mercy. Sean is down for a little bit, gets up with a “thank God that didn’t happen” smile on his face. Roy to the line after a time out.

Live performance by ‘Jordin Sparks’ at the half? Not only do I not know who that is, but I don’t even know whether it’s a guy or a girl. I have no plans to find out.

Farmar buries a ridiculous fallaway that’s more like a 10-foot jumpback.

Boobie misses another three, Millsap cleans up the mess.

“Yi, that man can get it done. It would be a great name to have to sign autographs.”—CB (The first part of that is more of a paraphrase, my short-term memory is failing me.)

Another Boobie three, another Durant bucket

Boobie’s now tied Kyle Korver’s rookie game three-point record—with a minute to go in the half. He’s got seven.

“You’ve got a mouse in the house, take him, don’t shoot that jumper!”—CB, seeing Durant guarded on the perimeter by Boobie. Durant shoots the jumper. And misses.

The sophs are up 14 at the half.

Sages interviewing Boobie, and before he can say anything, LeBron breaks in and starts going off about how it’s DG’s time and this is only the beginning and whatnot—and then he lets Boobie actually HAVE his time.

SECOND HALF

Missed the start of the second half. But apparently Charles wants guys to have to stay in college at least TWO years? Because it would help the League AND college? Come on, Charles! Tell LeBron that. Or Dwight Howard. Look, I think there are plenty of straight-outta-high-school guys that could have benefited from a year or two of college—cough, Eddy Curry. But is it fair to make them go if they don’t want to? I say no.

Chris Paul caught on camera with the FAT stack to pay for food service. Looks like he could afford to buy po’ boys for the whole damn arena. And it seems that pretty much all the All-Stars are in the building, which is cool.

Bosh and his girl (who earlier in the season heckled Bron into killing the Raptors) are sitting next to Bron and Melo, who’s wearing what appears to be a lipstick red hooded leather jacket. No accounting for taste.

Boobie hits his eighth three (breaking the record), and welll, it looks like the MVP race is over. Also, maybe he can stop shooting threes now and let some other people get on the board.

Time passes. Make that eleven threes. Sheesh.

Karl Malone in the house. And Boobie misses a 30-footer. Gunning! By the end of the night he’s 11-20 from three (he didn’t take a single two) for 33 points in just over 21 minutes. And yes, he gets MVP. For taking a three a minute. High school coaches everywhere just buried their heads in their hands. Farmar had 17 points and 12 assists, Horford had 19 points (on 8-10 shooting) and 7 boards.

There’s some talk amongst the TNT crew about Bill Russell being from Louisiana, and how it was his 74th birthday earlier this week. This leads into how he was Kenny’s coach on the Kings. “He drafted me into the League, taught me a lot about life,” Jet says. Barkley needles him about getting Russell fired. “No,” Kenny finally says, “Reggie Theus did that.” Ouch! Hope TNT does a Sacramento game soon!