Sleep Arguments Every Couple Has

You know those first few months of dating a new person when all of the orgasms you’re having and the excitement of new love are fueling you through the day even though you got four hours of sleep because you were up all night getting said orgasms? Yeah. That doesn’t last forever. Eventually, you return to wanting 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night. And sometimes, the person you love the most is getting in your way! Here are sleep arguments every couple has.

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Tucked or untucked

You know what people tend to find each other and fall in love? Those who like loosely fitted sheets so they can kick their feet around at night and those who like to be sealed into their bed like sardines in a damn CAN! You can see why that would present a problem.

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Food in bed

Okay this isn’t technically a sleep-related argument so much as a general bed argument, but every couple argues over whether or not food can be in the bed. Or, they argue over what type of food can be in the bed. My boyfriend is dead set against any sugar-coated candy within twenty feet of the bedroom. So I buy Starburst. Sacrifices, sacrifices.

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Phones

You like to sleep with your phone on silent so you’re not woken by stupid drunk texts from friends at 3am. But what’s the point if he leaves his phone’s ringer on? He says he leaves it on in case of emergencies. You say that anybody who wakes you two up at 4 am deserves to have a fatal emergency. You overreacted—you’re tired. I get it.

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Going to bed at the same time

If you’re trying to turn in by 10 pm, but your partner is going in and out of the bedroom until midnight, what’s the point? He is stealing that sleep from you! He should just get in bed with you—what he’s doing can’t be that important.

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The snooze button

You get it; he needs to get up at 7am for work. But he doesn’t need to wake up again at 7:10, and 7:20, and 7:30. If you want to sleep until 9am, he should get one alarm. That’s it. If he sleeps through it, he’s just missing work that day.

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Snuggling

To snuggle or not to snuggle when you sleep—that is an argument that has troubled couples since they were sleeping in caves. You want to snuggle, he says he can’t sleep with somebody touching him, you take it personally, he snuggles you to avoid the fight but then he really doesn’t sleep and is grumpy the next day. You will continue this argument the next night.

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The temperature

He doesn’t see the point of spending money on a heater when there are ten perfect good blankets you can pile on top of each other. You don’t like waking up with a runny nose, or freezing your butt off—literally—when you run to the toilet in the middle of the night.

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The dog

He says he can’t sleep with the dog in the bed—that the dog always takes up his side of the bed. You promise to keep the dog on your side of the bed. But then, in the middle of the night, the dog wanders over to your partner’s side and who are you to disturb poor Spotty by relocating him?

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An episode or an hour

You’re right on the cusp of having enough time to watch an episode of your favorite show together. If you skip it, though, you can get in an extra hour of sleep. He wants the show, you want the hour of sleep. He gives up, but he huff and puffs for the next hour, complaining he isn’t tired yet so neither of you get that hour of sleep.

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Pillows in the Bed

There are certainly exceptions, but in my experience, women like lots of pillows and men like between zero and one. If he lets you have your four pillows on the bed, he makes you pile them all on your side like a giant fort.

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White noise

Whether it’s an actual white noise machine or a simple fan, some people need a gentle hum when they sleep and some people can’t stand it. Those two types of people tend to find each other and fall in love.

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Getting up to pee

Your partner gets up in the middle of the night to pee so much (waking you up each time) that you’re considering cutting him off from all liquids at 4pm.

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The blanket

You don’t have enough blanket and you swear he as it all. He doesn’t have enough blanket and he swears you have it all. If you just had a bird’s eye view of the bed, you’d see you somehow shifted the blanket so one corner is between your pairs of feet, and one is between your heads, and you’re both grasping at air on the sides. Nobody has enough blanket.

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Going to sleep with the TV on

He can’t fall asleep without the TV on and you can’t fall asleep with the TV on. Fine, but that means that you have to wait for him to fall asleep because, um, HELLO—he can’t exactly turn the TV off once he’s asleep!

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Sex or sleep

You know how this one goes; you both know that you are both too tired to have sex. Neither of you wants to admit that you’re too tired though so you just keep insisting that the other one isn’t into it.