Smart Condom Will Rate Your Performance And Check For STIs

Long Story Short

A British company claims to have invented a smart condom, which ranks your sexual performance and detect sexually transmitted diseases.

Long Story

Designed to conveniently prey on every sexual insecurity known to men, the i.Con boasts it can measure every quantifiable metric of your favorite bedroom activity — including whether you are about to contract syphilis or chlamydia.

Like a FitBit for your man part, the i.Con says it can provide data on everything from speed to size and, just to make you more of an insecure mess, compare it to that of other guys.

i.Con’s ad copy reads, “Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?”

(The answer to all of these questions is hopefully "no," and yet, here we are.)

For a mere £59.99 (about $75 US), you can purchase the i.Con which fortunately is not a condom at all, but rather a ring you apparently fit over the base of your penis and measures all the things you think you need to know about your latest lay. The data is paired with an app via Bluetooth, so that’s another thing you can check on your phone immediately post-coitus.

i.Con comes with a micro-USB charging port, with a lifespan of between six and eight hours and works with “nano-chips and sensors,” it says. Its adjustable size means it can fit all girths, so you can measure that against other users too.

All data is supposedly kept anonymous, but can be made public for all to see and marvel at.

The i.Con’s British creators say the product isn’t actually available just yet and it won’t take your money until it is, but interested parties can register for pre-order. What the company will do with your email address is unknown.

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Are people really so desperate for validation that they’ll obsess over penis data? (Sadly, more than a few probably are.)