By Taco Perkins Editor&rsquo;s Note: Per Taco Perkins&rsquo; request, we have provided a sample of LL Cool J&rsquo;s &ldquo;Rock the Bells.&rdquo; According to Taco, this will get you in the proper mood for his comical stylings. TacoPerkins Opening – Watch more Funny Videos

Fans of excessive knife-based violence rejoice!! The web is abuzz with reports that Robert Rodriguez is bringing a feature length Machete to the big screen with filming set to begin as early as June. The film stars Danny Trejo as a double-crossed assassin on a vengeance mission. Rodriguez is set to co-direct with his longtime editor Ethan Maniquis. No word yet on which director has final cut. Ha-cha-cha-cha!!Full story here (Empire)NBC trims Heroes show order. (TV Guide) Stephen Sommer's G.I. Joe movie has super suits. Set disbelief to 'suspend'. (io9) Very cool Star Wars paintings. (/film) Anna Faris reaches her sexual qouta. Dang it!! (Pajiba) Burning Down The House: The Story of CBGB opens at Tribeca Film Festival. (MTV)

Domestic disputes, botched tracheotomies, stolen vehicles, and Tom Sizemore make for another interesting episode in this week&rsquo;s installment of Southland TherapySherman begins his day by sharing a few words with his shrink. She&rsquo;s moved from her private practice and it&rsquo;s only her second day with the department. They talk about private school, and Sherman mentions that he used to attend private school until his father walked out on his mom. Then he went to public school. He reveals his family history for those of you who missed it last week. Sherman&rsquo;s father was a defense attorney who had some seedy clients. At age ten his father split, but one of his clients visited Sherman&rsquo;s home and beat up his mother while the boy watched.

The show opens with Liz Lemon and Jack and at a jewelry store where Jack informs Liz that he is buying Elisa an engagement ring. Liz is surprised but Jack informs her that Elisa is 'The One'. Pulling a classic Lemon, Liz then drops the ring down a heating vent. It then cuts to the TGS crew standing around with Kenneth explaining to them that they cannot bring in a box of donuts because of the risk of food allergies, including his own severe allergy to strawberries. It turns out that the box of donuts was actually just a prank to scare Lutz, who ends up falling back into a TV monitor and hurting himself.As Liz enters her office she finds Elisa who, unknown to Jack, has actually been back in town for three weeks. Elisa tells Liz that she has a terrible secret and cannot marry Jack. She asks Lemon to break the news to Jack, gives her a pretty unnecessary but awesome kiss goodbye, and is gone.

The episode opens, as the others have, with Leslie outdoors with some children. But this time, to digress from the other episodes, they are on a pre-teen nature hike (it used to be a teen nature hike, but they changed the name after a girl got pregnant, confesses Knope), where she unwittingly eats a poisonous plant for no apparent reason, and as her tongue begins to swell, the credits kick in. Welcome to Pawnee!

The other week, we spent a whole feature speculating which actress would/should take over the role of heroine Nancy Thompson in Platinum Dunes and Sam Bayer's A Nightmare on Elm Street remake. Well, now Bloodydisgusting reports that actress Rooney Mara is in negotiations to do just that.Judging by Mara's credits, which include a couple episodes of "E.R." and the upcoming Youth in Revolt with Michael Cera, the negotiations probably involved Platinum Dunes calling up Mara's representation, Mara's representation calling Mara into a meeting to tell her, Mara hesitating for a nanosecond to take in what this will mean for her career, Mara's representation slapping Mara hard across the face (probably back-handed for emphasis), and then Mara taking the gig and agreeing to also schlep coffee and wax the producer's car when she's not shooting a scene – SAG rules be damned.

J.D. struggles with the realities of being a part time father when he learns that Kim is now dating Sean, Elliot&rsquo;s ex-boyfriend. Meanwhile, Turk busts some balls to get promoted to the position of Chief of Surgery. Car SexElliot and J.D. are in the car on the way to Kim&rsquo;s house to drop off Sam. Kim answers the door and adjusts J.D.&rsquo;s collar. On the way home Elliot makes J.D. pull over for car sex so she can mark her territory. Elliot's possessive nature forces her to get intimate with J.D. if Kim so much as touches him. J.D. has found a way to make this work to his advantage. The next time he drops Sam off, he places a piece of fuzz in his own hair so that Kim will reach into it and pluck the fuzz, sending Elliot into a frenzy. Before leaving for car sex, Kim introduces her new boyfriend, Sean, who is Elliot&rsquo;s ex and J.D.&rsquo;s arch-nemesis. Making It Happen

This Friday, Obsessed opens in theaters. If you aren't aware, it's basically a reimagining of Fatal Attraction, only the filmmakers replaced Michael Douglas and Anne Archer with 'The Wire' & 'The Office's Idris Elba and Beyoncé Knowles, thereby creating the setup for 1000 standup jokes about how 'that white bitch Glenn Close' would never 'have f*cked with Beyoncé.' Obsessed also stars Ali Larter in the Glenn Close role, and judging by the trailer, I bet Ali's jaw is still sore from all the scenery she chewed while making the film. Check out the photos of Ali after the jump:

Hollywood has always made itself feel better by producing films with an environmental message. But generally, behind the wafer-thin veil of humanitarian morality play is a big-budget special effects and explosions. Or sometimes it&rsquo;s just Kevin Costner. Still, many of Hollywood&rsquo;s &ldquo;cautionary&rdquo; Natural Disaster Movies have given us some great dialogue and exchanges that will stand the test of time, and keep teaching our children&rsquo;s children&rsquo;s children important lessons until the ozone layer depletes and they are incinerated like ants under a massive magnifying glass. *cockroaches rejoice in a long-awaited victory* Here are some of those great pieces of Natural Disaster film dialogue, and what we can learn from them:

According to Production Weekly, Marcus Nispel, director of both the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th remakes, is attached to direct Pacemaker, written by Lars Jacobsen. Jacobsen's only other credits are as writer/director/producer of Baby Blues, a psychological thriller about post-mortem depression, and as writer of C.O.D., in development at Dreamworks. Pacemaker is described as "Crank meets Taken," which unfortunately results in the portmanteau Tank. Also, with a name like Pacemaker, it conjures up a "Crank meets Cocoon" pitch line. What? You'd see that? And you'd like to see the promotional one-sheet? Right now? In the room? So glad you asked…

This Friday, April 24th, you can catch Terrence Howard and Channing Tatum hustling and busting heads (respectively – Howard's a lover, not a fighter) in the aptly named Fighting, directed by Dito Montiel, who helmed the underrated A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. Check out the trailer. Fighting Trailer – Watch more Movie TrailersAlso, if you head to Break.com and Cage Potato's fancy Fighting page, you can watch some bloody, badass underground MMA videos and WIN A CHANCE TO ATTEND U.F.C. 98! I, like Howard, am a lover and not a fighter, so I will only be watching on the TV, so as to avert my eyes from the violence in private. I am also like Howard in that I will not be playing War Machine in Iron Man 2.

The Controller tells the riveting tale of a video game CEO who must save his wife from kidnappers. How must he save her, you ask? By playing XBox Live of course. Finally a movie that DARES to capture all of the exhilaration of watching somebody else play video games. I've posted the "exciting" trailer below. The special effects in this movie are anything but. I can't tell if they are supposed to be finalized graphics or a work print of Iron Man 2. More morning news… Andy Samberg is a penis baby in this chuckle-inducing Movie Awards promo. (MTV)Movie Star Death Tolls (Premiere) Hugh Jackman vandalizes sidewalk. (Reuters) Jason Statham is the new Charles Bronson. (/film)Dimension picks up hot college girl script. (Empire)Funny People photos and interview reveal fat guy on a tiny bike. (Playlist)

Everyone has been up in arms over the fact that the sequel to wanted is going to be written by an unknown who&rsquo;s only real credit is &ldquo;Pooh&rsquo;s Heffalump movie.&rdquo; Which everyone agrees is the Wanted of animated films. Today, the film&rsquo;s producer (and Wanted creator) Mark Millar defended the choice:&ldquo;This guy is supposed to be really good. He did a GREAT action script recently (on an unproduced movie) and that&rsquo;s what got him this gig.&rdquo;I love that the producer said the writer was &ldquo;supposed to be really good.&rdquo; I was really hoping his next line was going to be &ldquo;I mean, I haven&rsquo;t read anything he&rsquo;s written but someone told me he was good, and that was enough for me. Now, if you&rsquo;ll excuse me, Now if you'll excuse me, I have to come up with a lie as to why I can't attend my child's parent teacher conference." I feel like people should cut this writer some slack. It&rsquo;s not like he&rsquo;s writing the sequel to Shawshank redemption. It&rsquo;s Wanted. Bullets fly around. There are hot chicks, and people die. You can pretty much rearrange those phrases in each scene, add voice over, and you&rsquo;ve got a sequel. Let&rsquo;s see what he comes up with.

When you hear the title Midgets vs. Mascots, you probably have an image in your sick little head of Midgets fighting Mascots. Turns out you'd be right in this case. The film, Midgets vs. Mascots premiers this weekend at the Tribeca Film Festival. My how their artistic standards have dropped. Why, I remember but a few years ago my Colonoscopy musical was rejected after the second round:Midgets vs. Mascots Trailer – Watch more Funny VideosMidgets vs. Mascots is a shockumentary featuring a wide variety of celebs including Ron Jeremy and Gary Coleman. Both Midgets and Mascots must fight each other in a wide variety of extreme contests to win a million dollar prize. It Screens all weekend at Tribeca and if you want info on how to see it live, Click Here

There's only a week and a half 'til X-Men Origins: Wolverine drops, and Fox is making its last ditch efforts for a big opening weekend. Here's the newest promo with some direct-addresses from Emma Frost, Blob, Stryker, Gambit, Wolverine and a few others. Wolverine TV Promo – Watch more Funny Videos It's like Marvel's version of a Nike Women's soccer commercial. Like Mutants are the equivalent of Mia Hamm, who was told as a girl that sports are for men, but whose will eventually triumphed. Or maybe it's a Visa anti-identity theft spot from back in the late '90s. See what I mean with an unofficial 'junkie-tized Wolvie promo after the jump:

By Mike HammerIn showbiz everybody wants to finish with a big bang. In these movies &hellip; unfortunate bad guys hit the end of the road&hellip;hard. In fact, these finishing touches come garnished with meltdowns, eviscerations, suffocations and occasionally a delightful animal flesh feast. The following are the best of the big screens, not-so-happy&hellip;but always ball-clenching endings. We hope you can make it through to the finish. Death Toll The Godfather, 1972

In showbiz everybody wants to finish with a big bang. In these movies &hellip; unfortunate bad guys hit the end of the road&hellip;hard. In fact, these finishing touches come garnished with meltdowns, eviscerations, suffocations and occasionally a delightful animal flesh feast. The following are the best of the big screens, not-so-happy&hellip;but always ball-clenching endings. We hope you can make it through to the finish. Death Toll The Godfather, 1972Sonny (James Caan) gets spectacularly snuffed when he leaves the Corleone compound and hits the highway to go into Manhattan and kick the crap out of brother-in-law Carlo for beating up his sister, Connie. Sadly, the toll booth traffic proves a lot tougher than usual when hot-headed Sonny gets sandwiched between two sedans whose wheelmen hop out with machine guns and unload enough lead into his La Bonza to rebuild Baghdad and leave him look like puddle of bloody Bolognese sauce on the side of the road.

A new trailer is up for Paper Heart. The documentary that won a screenwriting award this year at Sundance (makes sense). It stars Charlyne Yi as a girl who does not believe in love and her real-life boyfriend Michael Cera as a boy who believes in dressing like a middle-schooler. What a cute couple! I think we can all agree that their offspring will look like something out of Jim Henson's sketchbook. Check out the trailer at /film.Here's the morning news. Ja Holy Sh*t!! Slumdog dad tried to sell his kid!! (NY Mag) The Thing cake. It's slobbering time! (AMFMPM)Bale and Wahlberg trade blows. (Variety) More ladies flock to Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch. (Hollywood Reporter) The State finally arrives on DVD reminding us all how long ago high school was. (MTV)

The new issue of Empire covers Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, with new pics and an interview with Burton, too. Above is a still of Alice about to head down the rabbit hole. It makes you wonder what she's going to see on the other side. We've speculated and our team of indentured artists have rendered some possible outcomes. Here's one: More possibilities after the jump.

According to /Film, even though there&rsquo;s no third book in the Da Vinci Code series, they&rsquo;re moving ahead with a third movie. Ron Howard&rsquo;s big screen adaptation of the Da Vinci Code prequel Angel&rsquo;s & Demons won&rsquo;t hit theaters until May 15th, but Columbia Pictures is already moving forward with a third film in the series. Not much information is known about the story, although it has been widely speculated to be about Freemasons in Washington, D.C. Brown, who is clearly obsessed with the Freemasons, has been spotted over the years in Washington, researching Masonic temples. Wow, look at the power Dan Brown has. He doesn&rsquo;t even have to write the book, and they make it into a movie. That&rsquo;d be like if I just whipped my wiener out and my girlfriend had an orgasm. Which I can assure you, does NOT happen. Mostly because I don&rsquo;t whip my penis out, I undress like a gentleman. It&rsquo;s way too early to say obviously whether or not this movie will be shitty or decent, but I&rsquo;m guessing if all it has is a title, and no script or source material, it&rsquo;s going to be awesome! If I were Dan Brown, I would see how ridiculous a book title I could come up with, and see if Columbia Pictures would still buy it. I&rsquo;d march into their office with something like this:

In this exclusive ScreenJunkies mashup, John Travolta's Tony Manero, the king of the disco, meets Gerry Phillips, the king of hand music. My favorite part might be Travolta eating a hot dog and dance-walking to what essentially is melodic farting. Watch and laugh after the jump. Warning, this may leave a bad taste in the mouth of all Bee Gees and Saturday Night Fever purists. You had it coming.

This morning, JoBlo.com released several screen grabs from Jessica Biel's film, Powder Blue, in which she plays a stripper. Click on the image above for the NSFW version. If you haven't already skipped over this text in a feverish attempt to see all the pictures, then a) thank you for your patience and b) you can watch this clip to give you more context into Jessica's dogged preparation for the film. More pics after the jump.