Shorts / Looper Has Sex with Himself

Script

Looper Has Sex with Himself

By Adam Conover & Owen Parsons

EXT. CANE FIELD
YOUNG JOE stands with his gun extended towards a tarp on the
ground. A long beat.
VVVP! OLD JOE appears on the tarp. He raises his eyes. Young
Joe tenses. They share a tense "will he, won't he" beat.
Young Joe throws his gun down and starts unbuttoning his
pants. Old Joe does the same.
YOUNG JOE
Oh this is so hot.
OLD JOE
Yeah. Finally, I can suck my own
dick.
Both of them are still fumbling with their pants in their
excitement.
YOUNG JOE
Uh, I can't wait to get my dick
sucked by me.
OLD JOE
Yeah, well, technically, you're
going to suck my dick.
Young Joe looks up as he stumbles out of his pants.
YOUNG JOE
What?
OLD JOE
(amused)
Wh -- you didn't think I was going
to do you, did you? Oh, wow.
Awkward!
YOUNG JOE
(stunned)
Why --
OLD JOE
(laughs)
Kid, I didn't travel thirty years
back in time to suck a dick. Okay,
have at it!
In one smooth motion he tears his underpants off. (His dick
is blurred.)
YOUNG JOE
Whoa! No way!
OLD JOE
What? That's our dream! We can
finally give ourselves a wicked
beej no strings attached!
YOUNG JOE
Yeah, I know! But why can't you --
OLD JOE
Look, I'm from the future, kid. I
know how this goes down. Thirty
years ago I sucked an older me's
dick. Now, thirty years later, I
get my dick sucked. The same will
happen to you. It's a win win.
YOUNG JOE
I'm not going to spend the next
thirty years thinking about the
time I blew an old man in a
cornfield.
VVVVP! Another OLD JOE appears. He's also pantsless.
OLD JOE TWO
Let's do this.
YOUNG JOE
Who is this guy?
OLD JOE
Huh. I guess your blow jay is so
good, I come back for seconds.
OLD JOE TWO
Aw yeah.
They fistbump.
YOUNG JOE
Why can't you two just blow each
other?
The Old Joes look at each other.
OLD JOE ONE AND TWO
Uhh...
OLD JOE TWO / OLD JOE ONE
... time paradox. / Yeah, time
paradox.
YOUNG JOE
Why is that a paradox?
OLD JOE ONE
I don't want to argue about time
travel! I just want --
YOUNG JOE
I know what you want.
OLD JOE TWO
(quietly to Old Joe One)
Wow, I don't remember being such a
little bitch thirty years ago.
VVVVP! A MIDDLE AGED JOE with stringy balding hair. He
starts setting up a film lighting rig.
MIDDLE AGED JOE
Hey, how the hell are ya!
OLD JOE
Oh right, this happens.
YOUNG JOE
WHAT happens?
Middle Aged Joe puts a camera on a tripod.
OLD JOE TWO
Fifteen years ago I set up a time
travel porn studio. Time travel
porn is huge in the future. We make
millions!
He holds up a DVD -- it has a cover image of a nude Young
Joe and reads "PAST SELVES GONE WILD."
OLD JOE ONE
Oh man, I thought I lost that!
OLD JOE TWO
Nah, we left it behind the couch.
YOUNG JOE
(considering this)
Okay, so if I suck both of your
dicks, I become a millionaire, and
then in thirty years, I get my dick
sucked twice?
OLD JOE / OLD JOE TWO
Yep. / All there is to it.
YOUNG JOE
(shrugging)
Okay, what the he --
VVP VVP VVP VVP! Slowly, then quickly, HUNDREDS MORE OLD
JOES appear behind Old Joe. Young Joe jumps back and grabs
his blunderbuss.
YOUNG JOE
Hey what the fuck?!
OLD JOE
You know what, it's coming back to
me. One day when I was 23, I blew
four hundred versions of myself in
a cornfield.
Everything goes into slow motion.
YOUNG JOE (V.O.)
And then I saw it. It was a circle.
Four hundred versions of Old Joe unbuckle their pants
excitedly and high five each other.
YOUNG JOE (V.O.)
A perfect loop. A dick, sucking
itself over, and over again. So I
changed it.
He clutches his blunderbuss for a moment. Suddenly, he bends
at the waist, ducking out of frame. Sucking sounds.
OLD JOE ONE
My God, he's --
OLD JOE TWO
Changed history.
The Old Joes start disappearing, one by one, from the back
to the front. The two Old Joes exchange a look.
OLD JOE ONE
Quick, before we disappear, you do
me and I do you.
They both disappear.
CUT TO BLACK.
POST-HUH
VFX: A newspaper spins in.
HEADLINE: RAINMAKER TAKES CONTROL OF MOB
Ability to suck own dick
unstoppable