Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sexy Bach

See boss, there's no point in being indignant about some things. Like what you're not supposed to do at western classical concerts for example. We're Indian, I agree, naturally effusive, demonstratively appreciative and all that sort of thing. But sorry, no go during Bachtime. So for your own protection and that of those around you, here is a comprehensive list of don'ts at a Western Classical concert.

Suspend all activity when the music starts. If you have your finger up your nose, leave it there. If a mosquito buzzes annoyingly around you, too bad. Try and bargain with it telepathically to leave you alone in exchange for the address of a carnatic concert in the same neighbourhood.

Don't clap. You'll get into trouble. Western classical musicians lose their mojo if there's applause between movements. Mimic a 1970s concrete water-maiden until the music stops. Look around for someone who seems knowledgeable. Rub your palms non-committally when this person applauds. If the artist acknowledges the applause, clap 3 times and smile wanly.

Athough unthinkable before, it is now considered polite and modern to whistle and hoot while applauding at a classical concert. However, be warned that it is not you that should be doing it. YOU - are supposed to continue resembling a frozen coelacanth. The polite whistles should emerge from experienced polite whistlers.

Do not say Sabhash, Aaaaan and Bhale in the middle of a complex aria. Do not waggle your head and say mchxl-mchxl when the soprano hits a high C.

Do not say silly things like "Actually all weshtran musics are in Shankarabharana raaga only." Multiple carnatic music buffs in the audience will jump up immediately and say "Yes yes". They will then proceed to bore everyone senseless with comparisons to Yedhukula Kambhoji and Kiravani and there will be no end to it.

If you're bored, do not make things worse by looking at the artist's music score to see how many pages they have left to play. Chances are that the artist will play till the last page, flip the music over and play it all over again from the top. These classical musicians I tell you.

Try not to focus on the conductor's bottom, though it is the most visible part of the concert. The music does not come from there, though the rhythm does.

Your babies are cute. Leave them AT HOME. Do not inflict a stuffy adult concert on them. They are not interested. The rest of the audience isn't interested in listening to them wail through one either.

If your cell phone rings in the middle of the concert, commit hara-kiri immediately. Yes I realize it takes two people to do it. Don't worry, I will help you.

You are not allowed to arrive or leave in the middle of a piece unless you're dying. Even if you are, you'll probably live through the piece anyway, thanks to the preservative effect of your state of suspended animation.

Do not request an old hindi number at a Bach concert. Well I suppose you could, actually. Go ahead, enjoy ma.

However, do not, at the end of the request, say, "Oh what is there, anybody can play piano ting ting ping ping." I realize Shammi Kapoor has convinced you that you can produce excellent western classical by kneading imaginary chappati dough over a Baby Grand. What you don't realize is that this technique will not work unless there is a heavily mascaraed weeping woman with a bun as big as her head, a disapproving father in a dressing gown AND a grand staircase for him to hobble down.

Linger around after the concert with a polite smile on your face. Chances are you'll be photographed and captioned: "All smiles - Syamanthakamani and Selvaganapathy" on page 3 the next day.

And finally, do remember to take the program list home. You can mug up the names of the pieces and rattle them off at the unsuspecting people you have incarcerated in your basement for this purpose.

loved..."Try not to focus on the conductor's bottom, though it is the most visible part of the concert. The music does not come from there, though the rhythm does."AND"Oh what is there, anybody can play the piano ting ting ping ping."

Heh! The few times I have been to Western classical concerts, I cannot but help myself nod and shake my head jerkily to the faster parts of the music. I draw the line there and actively resist the urge to shout out "BhalE!"

so there's no convention of clapping till your palms ache for an encore in these parts?

ah the old-hindi-number-- once in a bus in certain town in southern germany, i heard someone's mobile ringing in what was certainly the old-hindi-number. the ignorant me almost fell off my seat in excitement- salil chowdhury in here?! a dour colleague soon burst my bubble by naming the symphony and movement of johann sebastian's creation.

"you're dying. Even if you are, you'll probably live through the piece anyway, thanks to the preservative effect of your state of suspended animation." - Aaha! Whaatt-a!! Brilliant, I say! Incredible how these 'weshtruners' maintain such morbid silence during a classical concert without so much as a snivel! It's probably out of sheer shock of watching the conductor's wild graceless trot.

Dunno - all this talk of how Western concert violinists need the audience to be quiet while our own Ganesh and Kumaresh can play their hearts out at a Mylapore wedding reception amidst hundreds of maamis and maamas making jet engine level noises kinda reminds me of how golfers need the audience to be quiet for concentrating on hitting a stationary ball, whereas Dhoni can lift a 90mph bouncer for a six, despite a roaring crowd! :)

"Do not waggle your head and say mchxl-mchxl when the soprano hits a high C."

That really cracked me up ... although your entire post is brilliant! :)

I yam reminded of the time that I ignorantly clapped (wonce wonly) during a pause in a rather wild piano recital by somebody phoren and phamous... I stopped in embarrassment but other people took it up and soon the whole audience was clapping. :) Poor pianist.

(One thing learn we should from the China people. They quickly-quickly forward going how they plan and do that thing first. Father mother twenty hours a day working, for kids only study, claassical music etc only such things they enrol)

1. Do not eat the Vicks Coughdrops that the organisers have left on each seat, loudly. You may suck them gently. And if you have a cough like a rattlesnake's, then go away.

2. Do not ask the names of the arias to the ushers. (but if you do at the NCPA when some classical-musical students are interning, you might get an answer)

3. Yes, yes, we know that the cold coffee in NCPA is fantastic, but do not rave about it when you get back from the intermission (note the word is NOT interval)

4. Do not, even in the aforementioned intermission, talk about your train journey back to mira road. Chances are a blue haired lady would ask : Dahlin, do we have a road named after a saint somewhere around HERE?

5. Do not use the program as a fan. Do use instead the pearl encrusted white silk foldout fan that mummy got you got from a Portuguese auction house in Old Goa in 1952.

6.Do not forget to talk about the time Yehudi Menuhin performed in your time. If he did.

Thassall babies. Sorry if my version has been Bombaycentric, but a few on this page will identify with it, one hopes.

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be very good.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘Bengalooru Banter ’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)

man you are funny !!! i really agree with you about not leaving or arriving in the middle of a piece, you are bound to get a 'death stare', it happened to me and it's not pretty. i wish i could send this to my classical guitar teacher who would then undoubtedly beat my fingers into a pulp :)

until I lived in the PhorenLand, I used to be shockec into silence by the Death Stare.

Now that I yam a seasoned phoren-returned to my mommyland, I zimbly mouth a "f*** ***" to the pseudos who try to shussssh me during aforementioned phoren concerts in MY mommyland :)

Vy? Because I behave as the Romans do in their land I say. I sneeze *inside* my head all through a concert at Carnegie Hall and live with sinus for 5 years after. And get FrozenBumSyndrome from not moving the gluts through 2 hours of godawful naaasense ... Hence the entitlement to say f*** ***

Hey..recently stumbled upon your blog. Loved it. As a bored Tam-Bram Delhiite I miss being connected to Chennai or Bangalore. The annual holidays from school and now the official tours are the only things I live off. I can see, smell and feel Bangalore in every post of yours. And a lot of your recollections from childhood remind me of mine - esp the Basin Bridge Olfactory Signal :)And as for your current post...we'll need a code-of-conduct book for classical concerts attended by pseudo music aficionados. They are a terribly embarrassing lot I say!

Ayyo, you only afficianado, whatever that means. I am mummy to 2 beautiful violinists. I have to sit through TWO concerts every few weeks. I dutifully clap when everybody does and dutifully say great job to the teacher, not knowing what they are playing!!

The shyamantakamani was too much....And I had completely forgotten the dressing gown dude, with the pipe in his mouth....Now I got to go and myug up these pointers...what if I stumble on my next concert hearing....

:) phull love-u wonly. I refer to afrementioned afore fore mentioned N Shenoy+BD Dude meet. I vas embraced/ embarassed to do the influence (Result of the experience of having been a great matchmaker - i.e. one who exits very quickly after the intitial intro-maadi s are over! heh heh)

ranjini: You learn classical guitar too? Though not from the same teacher as mine I'm sure- cos he's more irreverent than I am :P

ahumanbean: Full frustru u became off in phoren no? Sorry about bad drawing and pls not to be reading all manner of meanings from my poor proportioning. Still coming to grips with the new drawing software. I MISS VISIO!! Haan and also that fish thing is supposed to be Frozen Coelacanth fossil and the ladies are supposed to be concrete water maidens (various states of suspended animation as described in post) :P So much for that. Please buy me second beer after Shenoy saar for not getting it.

aishwarya: Thanks :) YOu bet they are!!

sampige: Lovely I say, must make you totally proud though.

prats: Correct ma completely useful these tips are no?

narendrashenoy: Haan haan theek hai theek hai. Show us the beer and we will believe you :)

I have been blog-hopping an awful lot the past couple of days and I realised why I was getting so addicted. Its one of those aspirational things I guess. To gape in awe when people string words together ever so beautifully, and you are left wondering “How the hell??!!” and perhaps followed by a defeated “Damn!”. But I spring back to normalcy by telling myself that my skills at singing might do the same to someone..or so I hope :) So here’s the deal. I leave you guys to do what you do best and shall offer my services in promoting these blogs and dutifully drop my comments at every post. In return, you can come attend the next concert or rock gig :)Off I go and drop this comment at my other blog crushes..

wow... and ur back to ur brilliant best! Admittedly, I am not a connoisseur of classical music like you, but I will try to attend a few more concerts in the hope of appearing on page 3 the next day;) You can always tell the hopefuls who are just there for the cameras, no? That's another fun thing to do at such events - spot the 'wannabe page 3 - ites'

Inda maadri photo ellam potana konjum kashtam daan. Paadi per adapathiye comment pannava. Purinjido? aha! waitamin. Unless u r trying to throw ppl off!!??? I am not quite part of a band but manage a few things here n there b/w izhikafying a Todi ragam (one of my favourites) and a fusion gig (I hate the word fusion tho, absolutely detest it) Yes and for ur services at these wunderful posts, I shall be most obliged if you visit if and when there is anything musical happening. Btw, dunno if ur into some good Sufi stuff, must catch Shafqat's new album (guy who sang 'Mitwa' and 'Yeh Hosla') - its called Tabeer. Fab.

Bikerdude saaru! One und vonly rik-wust. This is the second time in a row that you have spelt my moniker wrong saar! It's not 'sthirapragnya' it's 'sthitapragnya'. Never mind the moniker, just call me Karthik next time around! Please! My assumed name has already been subject to more objectionable morphs by others, hence before it gets worse with you too, I'm asking you to call me by my real name! Ahem! Pliss no mind for this! Thank to you saar! Yuvars truly..:P

Do not say silly things like "Actually all weshtran musics are in Shankarabharana raaga only." Multiple carnatic music buffs in the audience will jump up immediately and say "Yes yes". They will then proceed to bore everyone senseless with comparisons to Yedhukula Kambhoji and Kiravani and there will be no end to it.