Hello, Luke. Good to see you back in the ’hood with London Irish after two seasons in France in Perpignan. Are they treating you well? They are, it’s been really good. Everyone has been very welcoming and we’ve had a really good pre-season – tough but productive. We’ve got a new training ground, which is world class, and it’s really helping us get our prep done for the first week in the Premiership. So far so good, and hopefully we can take it all into the first game and then have a successful season.

Shiny new training ground, eh? Tell us more. What’s so good about it? From a player’s perspective, probably the food. Nah, the gym is probably the best I have worked in – Walshy [Steve Walsh, the club’s strength and conditioning coach) hand-designed it and checked everything out before it was built. There aren’t really any faults with it: the changing rooms are great, the pitches we train on are brilliant, everything from the analysis room to the kit room is all top notch. It’s just taken away any excuses that you could possibly have.

Well it’s a relief about the food. We can’t work without nice food either. Yeah, you’d be surprised how much bad food I’ve had over the years. But obviously the right food is really important for rugby players and they’ve taken care of it all really well, as well as teaming up with Etixx for our nutritional value stuff.

Worked in like a pro. Let’s do this then: what do Etixx bring to the party? They take care of everything we need nutritionally. The most important thing is when we come out of the gym or off the training ground – we all have our protein shakes and they’re different for each player depending on his needs. They make sure that we get nutritional value alongside everything we’re doing in our prep, mainly our gym work, as well as putting on an extra few kilos if we need to.

Yum. Small Talk used to love milkshakes – they’re like milkshakes, right? – as a nipper. But anyway, what tempted you back to this land of flash training facilities and whizzed-up protein? Well, I originally went to France from an experience point of view. I’d been at the same club [Gloucester] for quite a long time – was part of the furniture if you will – and decided to take myself out of that and experience something new. But France is very different to England and as much as it was great fun, I really missed the professionalism, the tempo and everything else about the Premiership. When I spoke to the coaches here they really sold me their plan for London Irish over the next few years and it really appealed to me. It was just the right fit.

You’ve worked with director of rugby Brian Smith before, as part of the England set-up – that can’t have hurt. I worked with him for a couple of years when he was the attack coach so I knew exactly what he was about, how he coached, how he liked to play the game. That was another plus for me, knowing that as a coach he liked to play rugby, knows his stuff and has got probably even better since I last worked under him.

Could he help you back into the England fold? You weren’t too happy after being overlooked a few years ago. Umm, hmmm, we’ll see. I had some injuries back then at unfortunate times and it just never quite kicked on for me – but that’s rugby, it’s all about right time, right place. I look at the England squad now and it’s very competitive, particularly in the back row, and I’m probably a little bit older than those guys as well. My first and foremost aim is to get into the London Irish team – they’ve recruited a couple of other guys and had a very strong back row last year, which was probably their biggest asset actually. So I want to make sure I get into the starting lineup and then, if I play as well as I can, then you never know.

How were you inducted into the dressing room at London Irish? Those rugby lads love a good induction. There wasn’t too much actually. I had to sing a song on the bus after the first game, and you get a forfeit if you’re not very good – you have to run the paddle. But fortunately my singing voice is pretty up to scratch so I passed. I didn’t have to run to the back of the bus and back while getting paddled.

Sorry, sorry – “paddled”? Basically just getting slapped on the back very hard.

Right. That sounds like every morning we endured on the school bus. What did you sing to avoid a damn good paddling? [Weighty pause for significant effect] American Pie. That’s my go-to, to be fair.

What’s the difference between English and French dressing rooms then? Would the French break out into a frenzy of paddling if you gave them an inch? Rugby players are rugby players when all’s said and done, but it was a little bit different, I’d say the English are a lot more cutting, probably a lot harsher, while the French are maybe a little more juvenile. It was all good fun though, and it doesn’t really matter where you go in the world, you can always find some sort of banter somewhere.

You should visit Guardian Towers some time. What was the most important phrase you learned? Well, as always the first thing they taught me was the swear words so I won’t say those. I can remember getting something wrong early doors – I went to say “tu adores”, for “you adore”, but I said “tu dors”, which means “you sleep”. Obviously then, no matter what I said the running joke was “tu dors”, and that went on for about 18 months. I couldn’t shake it off.

OK, we’re starting to see what you mean about the differences. But maybe the French are more culturally in tune? Anything particularly grab you? They do eating a little bit differently. Everything revolves around food. It’s really, really important, not just something that you do. No matter what happens you would always eat together – and when I say eat I mean you could be at lunch for three hours, pretty much any day. I thought that was a really nice thing: whether it was with your family or your club, you always ate together and it was a really big focal point in everyday life. That’s something I don’t think we do in this country: you’re in such a rush all the time, people shooting off to get a sandwich or eat at their desk, and over there you can’t really get a sandwich for love nor money because everyone goes to restaurants for their lunch together.

Hang on a second, we’ve got a mouthful … right, so in view of that, what was your favourite scran over there? Yeah, so [discernible intake of breath, as if about to launch into a topic he is really hot on] obviously in France every region has its own twist on food. In Catalunya it was half Spanish – so there were lots of tapas, bucketloads of garlic, bread with everything. But I actually really got into my snails –there’s a dish called “escargot Catalan” which is a very tomatoey sauce with snails in. That was probably one of my favourites.

One for that nutritional training ground menu then? Yeah, I’m not sure that would go down to well. I’ll ask the chef and see what happens.

You must have had a favourite cheese. It would have to be the manchego. Well that’s Spanish I think, but they ate a lot of manchego in their tapas. They used to serve it with a load of salt and pepper, and they had these little fruit cubes with it too, so it was quite sweet. Yeah, the manchego was big down there.

You talk about food a lot, Luke. I do like my food. I know, I’ve mentioned it about five times in this interview already. I fitted in well down in France, with the amount of eating out they do.

But how are you going to pay for it all if … [reveals morsel of knowledge gleaned from deep-level Twitter stalking] … you had your wallet stolen the other week? Oh, now that was an absolute nightmare. I went out for some food and I think my wallet must have dropped out below the table or something. Perhaps France would have been a bit more law-abiding and it would have been handed in, but this was in my first few days back in London and it got nicked. Considering I’d only just arrived and was trying to sort everything out, I can tell you what fun it was. I’ll just have to hold on to it more tightly in future.

Maybe big cities aren’t your thing. Well I’m from the country. I’ve grown up in farms, butchers’ shops, abattoirs and stuff, so I love that lifestyle. But at the same time I’m really enjoying London – west London’s not exactly Piccadilly Circus after all, and it’s a bit different from what I’m used to.

Whoa there – Dickens had nothing on this. You grew up in an abattoir? Is that what you said? Yeah, kind of – we’ve got a family butchery up in Worcester, so I was introduced to abattoirs from quite a young age. I’m not too squeamish.

[Shudders] So what cut would you recommend from your folks’ place? Probably the fillet steak because it costs the most.

It’s come to our attention that you’re a Liverpool fan and were particularly taken by the signing of Mario Balotelli. Ever done anything quite as crazy as the Italian maverick? Oh wow. Yeah, I’m actually thinking about getting a “Balotelli 45” shirt. I’m quite looking forward to seeing what he can do for us. I think he’ll go really well in the first year but then … well … he’s obviously going to do something along the way somewhere.

Spoken like someone who’s let off a few fireworks in his bathroom down the years. Ok, you want Balotelli actions … hmm … I can’t say I’ve done anything that wild. Probably something along the lines of when his mum sent him out to buy an ironing board and he came back with a go-kart and scalextric. I wouldn’t be quite that frivolous but my missus is forever telling me to go out and get stuff, and I always forget and bring back something else.

You sound like trouble. Is there a rugby player – apart from you, obviously – who you’d say is his equivalent? I’d actually say Jonny May at Gloucester. He’s an absolute airhead. He lived with me for a few months when he was sorting out his house a few years ago and he pretty much ruined my place within two or three months.

Professional cleaning job after he left? Oh, no, I made him do it.

It’s your birthday on Sunday. Happy birthday. How have you enjoyed being 30? I’m lucky that I only look around 26 or 27 so I get away with it. It wasn’t something I was looking forward to but I think I’ve taken it in my stride. Only a few more days until I’m 31 though, so I’m sure it’s all downhill from there.

It actually is. Ah, thanks Small Talk.

Can we reverse the roles? We’d like you to give us a present. A joke. Oh goodness. Errmmm. [long, long pause] I’m not really a joke teller to be honest. I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you down there.

That’s fine, Luke. What kind of humour floats your boat then? I’d have to go for something with a bit of irony. I’m a very ironic man.

[Arches eyebrows] Who would have thought … it figures. Must be your dinnertime now, Luke. It’s been a pleasure. Cheers Small Talk, have a good day.

Etixx, sport nutrition partner of London Irish, have created the ‘Scrum Shop’ - a specially adapted scrum machine available to fans at the London Double Header on Saturday 6th September. For more Etixx info visit etixxsports.com