Unapologetically Tragically Hillarious

So a while (long while) ago I asked who wanted to see what on my blog.
Someone said make up tutorial. So I bring you:

The Dirty Girls Guide to Fabulosity

First of all, unless you work with sick people or garbage, showering daily is completely unnecessary. Stop it.

You may be thinking “but my hair will be so greasy! And my face! Ew! ” would you like to know why your face and scalp make oil faster than a McDonald’s at lunch time? Your face and scalp know better how to take care of themselves than Garnier. You wash it off. Your skin goes into double time making replacement oil. If you wash less, the oil production slows. Promise. I wash my hair once a week or sometimes less. When I do wash it. I exfoliate the crap out of my scalp. Also if you have a short cut the grease your hair makes is a way better styling product than that over priced salon stuff. Your face skin also doesn’t appreciate being over washed.
Which brings me to foundation this is another way in which you’re sabotaging yourself. When you literally cover your face with goop for 12 hours a day, even if you wash your face religiously at night, you’re going to get pimples, then you’re going to need concealer for all those pimples. If you must slather your whole face in something, try sunscreen.

OK on to the fun part.

I start by moisturizing my face, letting that soak in a minute or three then use a translucent powder if I’m feeling too shiny.

Behold my powdered face

Then I use a cream base (I like white color tattoo by Mabeline)

Then I pick an accent color. Usually something that matches my clothes. Today it’s purple. Which I apply to about half of the eyelid. The key here is to blend. Don’t be scared of the color! The color is your friend!

Then you get a darker color, I went with black. Apply to the outer corner of your eyes and again blend!

I also like to pull it under the eyes a bit. Now it’s time for eyeliner. I use liquid. It takes a steady hand but you too can master the eyeliner. Now everyone wants to have long eyelashes. Some people so much so that they have eyelash extensions put in… Or on? Whatever the point is: if you wear glasses long eyelashes are super annoying, but you still want to look like your prince(ss) could climb your lashes to your 3rd floor walk up if need be. So what do I do? Draw those suckers on and keep a rope ladder handy. Seriously it’s just a thinner version of the classic “cat eye”

Then you put on about 4 layers of mascara (never go onstage without at least 4 and all the world is a stage so… Yea)

Oh and don’t forget to smile you morose Mary. Rock and Roll is fun.

And so are parks.

Lyric by The Moldy Peaches

And picsart.

I'm ready for my close up

Here’s a closer look at the eyeliner part sans all the other stuff so you can really see what I’m talking about.

I recently asked my Facebook friends what some good topics for posts might be.

This is what they said
1. Ferrets
2. Anxiety / Depression
3. My near Homunculus stature
4. Dogs
5. Sewing
6. Make-up
7. Amanda Palmer and her bad assness
8. Why all the awesome girls are dating assholes.
9. Why America is so commercialized
10. Why there is so much more violence these days.
11. Small Victories
12. Things I find encouraging
13. Something about people getting tackled at Walmart for carrying guns (I’m going to have to look that up)
14. Living with invisible chronic illnesses.
15. Rainbows.

OK, so obviously some of those can be lumped together. Some of them have fairly straight forward answers. Some of them require more thought and vulnerability on my part.

So let’s start with an easy one.

Ferrets

This is a domestic ferret which is not a rodent. Domestic ferrets should not be confused with the black footed ferret, a north American weasel near extinction that mostly eat prairie dogs. They are not rodents either; opposed to prairie dogs which are. Domestic ferrets are more closely related to skunks than to rodents (skunks are not rodents either). If you are confused about what rodents are go Google it.

You were expecting a link? That’s lazy of you. Google it yourself. I’ll wait.

Good! You’re back. I was disturbed to find that when I Googled “ferret” looking for the above picture, the top 5 news articles were about a ferret mauling a baby’s face off in Pennsylvania. I was delighted to read the parents were being charged, although, I doubt that saved the ferret or unmauled the baby.

Poorly trained ferrets can and will bite but in my 11 years and 5 ferrets of experience I’ve never had one draw blood. That still doesn’t mean I would ever ever everleave my ferrets alone with my infant.

Ferrets, for those who have never met one, have 2 settings: sleeping and a bizarre amalgamation of a toddler and a kitten after it’s 4th consecutive shot of espresso. They appear to be made of rubber, slinkies, and wrapped in fur. You can’t not laugh at them.

That’s why I, a person with depression, keep them around. They’re at times better than Zoloft, which is precisely why one of my ferrets’ name is Zoe.

Well that’s all I’ve got time for, but trust me, I’ll get to the rest of them.

I recently asked my Facebook friends what some good topics for posts might be.

This is what they said
1. Ferrets
2. Anxiety / Depression
3. My near Homunculus stature
4. Dogs
5. Sewing
6. Make-up
7. Amanda Palmer and her bad assness
8. Why all the awesome girls are dating assholes.
9. Why America is so commercialized
10. Why there is so much more violence these days.
11. Small Victories
12. Things I find encouraging
13. Something about people getting tackled at Walmart for carrying guns (I’m going to have to look that up)
14. Living with invisible chronic illnesses.
15. Rainbows.

OK, so obviously some of those can be lumped together. Some of them have fairly straight forward answers. Some of them require more thought and vulnerability on my part.

So let’s start with an easy one.

Ferrets

This is a domestic ferret which is not a rodent. Domestic ferrets should not be confused with the black footed ferret, a north American weasel near extinction that mostly eat prairie dogs. They are not rodents either; opposed to prairie dogs which are. Domestic ferrets are more closely related to skunks than to rodents (skunks are not rodents either). If you are confused about what rodents are go Google it.

You were expecting a link? That’s lazy of you. Google it yourself. I’ll wait.

Good! You’re back. I was disturbed to find that when I Googled “ferret” looking for the above picture, the top 5 news articles were about a ferret mauling a baby’s face off in Pennsylvania. I was delighted to read the parents were being charged, although, I doubt that saved the ferret or unmauled the baby.

Poorly trained ferrets can and will bite but in my 11 years and 5 ferrets of experience I’ve never had one draw blood. That still doesn’t mean I would ever ever everleave my ferrets alone with my infant.

Ferrets, for those who have never met one, have 2 settings: sleeping and a bizarre amalgamation of a toddler and a kitten after it’s 4th consecutive shot of espresso. They appear to be made of rubber, slinkies, and wrapped in fur. You can’t not laugh at them.

That’s why I, a person with depression, keep them around. They’re at times better than Zoloft, which is precisely why one of my ferrets* name is Zoe.

Well that’s all I’ve got time for, but trust me, I’ll get to the rest of them.

Every time one of those articles goes around about women that decide not to shave their arm pits I inevitably weigh in on it. At first I didn’t because I didn’t like trying to explain myself and I didn’t like people telling me I was gross. Which, side note: people only tell you your gross on the internet. No one outside of my immediate family has ever looked me in the eye (under my blue eyebrows, between my drawn on eyelashes) and said “you’re gross.”

Let me just say: I don’t shave anything. I think I might still own a razor. It’s probably lurking in the bottom of a box or drawer waiting to exact its revenge on whichever hapless finger runs across it as I grope around for um…. Probably ferret shampoo.

I don’t shave my lady parts because it makes me feel like a child. I’m 4’11” and sans pubic hair (especially before the birth of my daughter when my boobs swoll 2 cup sizes) the girl I saw in the mirror did not seem like she should be sexually active, because she looked 14.

I don’t shave my legs because through some miracle of genetics I really don’t need to. Thanks genes!

I don’t shave my armpits. Some people assume this makes me a crazy man hating feminazi. However, I love make up. I love dresses. I love heels. I like to be looked at. I’m not above batting my eyelashes to get things I need. Usually food, especially in college.

And to everyone who still thinks it’s gross that I don’t shave my pits: no one ever notices and I live in tank tops.

For a long time I just told people I was lazy. Then while I was meticulously drawing on my eyelashes I thought “Nope, not lazy…. It’s something else.”

It’s this: Why would I spend that much time, effort, discomfort (it’s itchy), and money on something that is never going to be attractive. It’s an arm pit for crying out loud.

The way I figure it between what I have to say, my eyes, lips, and (let’s be honest) my boobs if you’re looking at my arm pits I’m doing something wrong or there’s something wrong with you.

Every time one of those articles goes around about women that decide not to shave their arm pits I inevitably weigh in on it. At first I didn’t because I didn’t like trying to explain myself and I didn’t like people telling me I was gross. Which, side note: people only tell you your gross on the internet. No one outside of my immediate family has ever looked me in the eye (under my blue eyebrows, between my drawn on eyelashes) and said “you’re gross.”

Let me just say: I don’t shave anything. I think I might still own a razor. It’s probably lurking in the bottom of a box or drawer waiting to exact its revenge on whichever hapless finger runs across it as I grope around for um…. Probably ferret shampoo.

I don’t shave my lady parts because it makes me feel like a child. I’m 4’11” and sans pubic hair (especially before the birth of my daughter when my boobs swoll 2 cup sizes) the girl I saw in the mirror did not seem like she should be sexually active, because she looked 14.

I don’t shave my legs because through some miracle of genetics I really don’t need to. Thanks genes!

I don’t shave my armpits. Some people assume this makes me a crazy man hating feminazi. However, I love make up. I love dresses. I love heels. I like to be looked at. I’m not above batting my eyelashes to get things I need. Usually food, especially in college.

And to everyone who still thinks it’s gross that I don’t shave my pits: no one ever notices and I live in tank tops.

For a long time I just told people I was lazy. Then while I was meticulously drawing on my eyelashes I thought “Nope, not lazy…. It’s something else.”

It’s this: Why would I spend that much time, effort, discomfort (it’s itchy), and money on something that is never going to be attractive. It’s an arm pit for crying out loud.

The way I figure it between what I have to say, my eyes, lips, and (let’s be honest) my boobs if you’re looking at my arm pits I’m doing something wrong or there’s something wrong with you.

Breaking my back just to find an in
Twelve interviews and I’ve had it with this game
I’m breaking my back just to find an in
But employment ain’t close in a place like this
My resume shows I’m under qualified
Cause employment ain’t close in a place like this
I said employment ain’t close in a place like this
Hire me please, hire me please tonight
Never thought I’d be applying at The Gap

Well somebody told me
You had an opening
That I might be good for
Here’s all the places I’ve worked in the last year
It’s not confidential
I’ve got potential!

Ready? Let’s roll here’s my CV
Unemployments taking its toll and I’m living on Mac N Cheese
I’m ready, let’s roll here’s my references
‘Cause employment ain’t close in a place like this
I said employment ain’t close in a place like this
Hire me please, hire me please tonight
Never thought I’d waste my bachelor’s working at quick trip

Well somebody told me
You had an opening
That I’m qualified for
I graduated on May tenth of last year
It’s not confidential
I’ve got potential
A rushin’, a rushin’ around

Interview me
I said maybe baby please
But I just don’t know now
When all I wanna do is try

Somebody told me
That you were hiring
People to dig holes
I’ll do anything at this point
It’s not secret
I’ve gotten desperate
A rushin’, a rushin’ around

When I was young my mother told me that I must never let my insurance coverage lapse. She explained that my pre-existing condition (asthma) would mean that no one would cover me.

When I was 18 my father lost his job of 18 years. My parents paid for my insurance out of pocket until I turned 20 when it inexplicably leapt from $90 a month to $240.

I was unemployed. My father was unemployed. There went my health insurance and thus began my decent into crippling medical debt.

Fast forward a few years. Most of my friends get to get back into their parents insurance. My parents don’t HAVE insurance. The insurance companies can’t deny you because of your pre-existing conditions…but they can still make it impossibly expensive.

I worked my way through college at multiple seasonal jobs. Which don’t offer insurance.

Fast forward again. I get my first non seasonal full time job. Which doesn’t offer health insurance because they are a “small business”. My degree is in theatre. The odds of me ever working for a big business are slim.

Fast forward 2 more years. I get pregnant and apply for Medicaid. I’m denied because our house hold income is too high. The pregnancy is really hard with my now multiple pre-existing conditions and I can only work 20 hours a week. My husband only works about 30. We are below the poverty line and somehow still supposed to be able to afford health insurance.

So I get on the healthcare.gov website and fill out all their forms. At the end they tell me that I might qualify for Medicaid so they’re forwarding my information to the people that rejected me earlier this week.

So that’s why I don’t have health insurance and am $9000 in medical debt which I’m sure will double or triple by the end of this pregnacy.

I take solace in the fact that they can’t repossess my baby and that I don’t own anything worth anything.