Ask a Narcissist.

My Gas Station Attendee and I Have The Coolest Secret Handshake.

Dear Narcissist,I recently moved to a new part of town, and I miss the camaraderie I had with my local 7-Eleven workers. What's the fastest way to build a relationship with the staff at my new area convenience store?— Suddenly Lonely in Lakewood

I used to live by a 7-Eleven, too!

Then I moved about two miles. Now I'm close to a Valero.

I suppose my relationship with the people who work at the Valero is pretty good. Except for Brett. For some reason, Brett doesn't like me. I have absolutely no idea why. Some people have speculated that it's because I tried to start a one-sided silly string war with him. Others say that Brett doesn't like me because I pay for my multiple bags of salt and vinegar chips with dimes.

Actually, now that I think about it, there are a lot of theories about why Brett doesn't like me.

If you're reading this Brett, I just want to say: “Hi. Your name is cool.” And also: “What's up, Brett?” I'm working on a cool handshake for the day that you stop disliking me. Then, every time I come into the gas station to buy that really large bag of skittles I always buy, we can impress people by having a cool handshake. Sort of like the one that Lindsay Lohan had with herself in The Parent Trap.

Oh, and to answer your question, the fastest way to build a relationship with new gas station employees is to create a cool secret handshake with them.

Dear Narcissist,I'm from Minneapolis, and I just got into a huge fight with my fiance. I bought a one-way ticket and left town, and now I'm here in Dallas. I'm regretting running off like this, but I don't think I should go back. What do you think I should do? Help me Narcissist, you're my only hope. — Confused in Casa View.

I'm your only hope? That seems a bit melodramatic, but I can see why you'd want my expertise.

I hope you like Dallas. I always thought Minneapolis was a city with too many letters in its name.

One time, I emailed the mayor of Minneapolis suggesting some fun nicknames for the city, but he never emailed me back. I can only assume he was embarrassed that he didn't think of the nickname “Tiny Apolis” before I did.

I guess if you don't think you should go back, maybe you shouldn't?

Also: Are you Julia Roberts? Do people still run away from weddings? If you are Julia Roberts, email me again because I believe I'm qualified to be your stunt double.

Dear Narcissist,I was at a bar last night and talking to a group of friends. I told a questionable joke about a promiscuous girl, and she was really offended. She said it was sexist when I tried to defend the joke. Am I sexist? I hope not.— Exposed in Expo Park.

While I don't know what joke you made, I can pretty safely say that it was sexist. For one thing, if a woman says you did something sexist, it's pretty safe to assume that you're in the wrong. This is because, if you do or say something sexist, there is a great deal of women who will notice, but not say anything. So if someone actually does say something, it's not because there's this awesome 1+ power boost women get by declaring something sexist, but because what was said (or done) is legitimately harmful and likely not very funny.

The fact that you yourself say it was “questionable” speaks volumes, as well as the fact that you would try to defend yourself after someone said you made them uncomfortable.

I never really understood people who pride themselves on being offensive, especially white men.

“Oh, I can say horrible things about minorities and women and they get upset but I don't care because it's just a joke! Have a sense of humor! What's the point of perpetuating a system of oppression if we can't beat you down further by making fun of you for it?”

Ah, privilege.

Anyways, since this answer is mostly serious, here's a joke to end it: A dude goes to a bar to hang out with friends. The dude tells sexist joke and a woman in his crew gets upset. The dude, finding that other men will validate the fact that he's “totally not sexist,” continues his life in the confines of Reddit, where he obsessively posts about misandry. The end.

Do you have a question for the Narcissist? Email her at Chelsea [at] CentralTrack [dot] com.