Beginner’s Greek If I ever inaugurate an unintentionally dirty-sounding e-review series called “Straight to the author’s inbox,” the first one will be to James Collins, and it will read, “Hey James, how’s it going? LOVED THE FIRST HALF OF YOUR NOVEL! xo talk soon L.” (Note to all the publications who’ve cut their book reviews of late: I will provide these under your institutional umbrella for a reasonable fee.) Because while Beginner’s Greek contains some of the most devastating, vivid characterizations (and character assassinations) I’ve read in the past few years, its lovely prose is marred by the fact that the central characters, Holly and Peter–who meet on a flight, lose contact, and spend the next few years (and remainder of the novel) seeking the lost soulmate–are, compared to the surrounding cast, relatively anodyne constructions. While a bullying husband speculates about his ex-wife, visualizing the clotted hairbrush left out for guests that sums up her pitiable circumstances, Peter chases a veritable ghost, a lovely cipher with whom everyone is immediately enchanted, although all we know about Holly is that when Peter met her, she was reading The Magic Mountain. (“She’s a dead ringer for Garbo. She always beats me at chess. She’s first on every punchline. Her drink is Absolut.”) One of the things I love about Larry McMurtry is that he’s one of the few male writers who can portray difficult, irritating women whom men still manage to like. Collins crushes the women in his novel admirably, but his satire can’t hold up against someone who only gives other people crushes. James: EVERYONE is worthy of crushing. Leave the bewitching, blank siren for Roth. He’s probably trademarked her by now, anyway.

Eat, Pray, Love A sad truth for those of you out there seeking greater ones: Nothing is more boring than your epiphanies. (Even worse, sojourners–the more particular they are to you, the more they sound exactly like everyone else’s.) Such is the problem with Elizabeth Gilbert’s journey through the particulars of her digestive, spiritual and moral humors–located, for your corporeal information, in the regions of Italy, India and Indonesia, respectively. It’s a bit of a punt to say the book is self-aggrandizing–how could a book focused on one’s spiritual well-being not be?–but it’s the grand the Richard Bachian strokes that provoke the reader beyond speech: “Simply put, I got pulled through the wormhole of the Absolute, and in that rush I suddenly understood the workings of the universe completely.” (Simply put.) However, we’re a girl! Fish-in-barrel elements aside, of course we loved that someone would eat pasta, meditate and tool around Indonesia for a year to get over a broken heart. There’s a lot to be said for pasta in general. P.S. we leave the 16th.

Never Let Me Go If all butlers from England sound robotic and all English clones sound like butlers, does Kazuo Ishiguro need to stop giving characters affects flatter than a freshly ironed newspaper? These and other points of information plagued me upon my “completion” — you’ll get it — of the author’s sixth novel, wherein a prep-school love triangle worthy of a great piece of teen chick-lit is inexplicably ruined by the fact that the characters all have to give up their organs afterwards. Much has been made of this great “secret” — and, oops, spoiler alert and all — but it’s no more a secret than the fact that, if a girl tells you her boyfriend thinks you’re a slut, it’s a sure bet he has a huge crush on you. HUGE, Kathy, HUGE. Even a butler could see it.

Old Hag is the work of Lizzie Skurnick, critic, blogger, writer, teacher. Don't talk about Jersey. more...

Right On The Money: A ‘Capital’ Book For Our Times (All Things Considered, 6/8/2012)England has always reveled in its drawing-room dramas, from Jane Austen’s social minefields to E.M. Forster’s Howards End to Upstairs, Downstairs — and yes, the blockbuster Downton Abbey. John Lanchester’s brilliant Capital, set on a once-ordinary London block whose housing prices have skyrocketed, has the distinction of being the first brick-and-mortar novel set squarely in our current times.

That Should Be a Word (The New York Times Magazine)Click for entire list and links of “That Should Be a Word”s. And call them Sniglets if you must, but you’re dating yourself!

For old times’ sake (and because we have SO much work to avoid)….the weekly Publishers Marketplace roundup!*

KEY WORD: EXCRUCIATING
Author of October’s Today Show Book Club pick A Window Across the River Brian Morton’s BREAKABLE YOU, a story of love, tragedy, literary treachery and the comforting, sometimes excruciating endurance of family, long after a marriage breaks up, again to Ann Patty at Harcourt, for publication in 2006, by Harvey Klinger at Harvey Klinger.

THAT’S NOT ALL THEY WOULDN’T TOUCH
Former In Style UK associate editor Polly Williams’ YUMMY MUMMY, a true-to-life novel about the social cliques and mores of new motherhood, with observations of the “Yummy Mummies,” a new breed of Mom who never misses a Pilates session and whose glossed lips wouldn’t touch a bad carb, to Hyperion, in a two-book deal, for publication beginning in spring 2006, by Kim Witherspoon at Inkwell Management (US).

EXCEPT INSTEAD OF CUTTING JAKE’S NOSTRIL, THE CRIMINALS REFUSE TO VALIDATE
Penny Rudolph’s THICKER THAN BLOOD, billed as a latter-day Chinatown in which a recovering alcoholic and down on her luck woman inherits an LA parking garage, only to find herself caught in the deadly cross-fire of California’s water wars, political power-plays, and murder, to Robert Rosenwald at Poisoned Pen Press, by Sorche Fairbank at Fairbank Literary Representation.

LIST PRICE: $32.95. ADVANCE: $250K. BEING BILLED AS “ZADIE SMITH’S BOYFRIEND”: PRICELESS
Zadie Smith’s boyfriend Nick Laird’s debut novel UTTERLY MONKEY, set in London and Northern Ireland, about two reunited friends who discover that one of them has accidentally stolen money from a terrorist organization, to John Williams at Harper, by Natasha
Fairweather at AP Watt.

KEY PHRASE: “SEEMINGLY ENDLESS”
Beth Orsoff’s CONFESSIONS OF A SERIAL DATER, humorous chick-lit about a thirty-two year old entertainment attorney’s dating misadventures, from chance meetings to blind dates and dating services and internet dating, a seemingly endless array of bad dates in her search for a man worth holding on to, to Rose Hilliard at NAL, in a nice deal, by Barbara Collins Rosenberg (world).

AND…FILM RIGHTS TO MICHAEL JACKSON
The first three titles in William Nicholson’s new series THE NOBLE WARRIORS, beginning with SEEKER, the story of a boy who longs to join the order of warrior monks called the Nomana, but first he has to redeem his beloved older brother who has been “cleansed” and banished from the temple, to Allyn Johnston at Harcourt Children’s, by Nancy Gallt, on behalf of Rosemary Canter at PFD.

BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT 12-YEAR-OLDS WANT. TO RELIVE EMBARASSING MOMENTS.
Christine Deriso’s DO-OVER, in which a 12-year-old girl acquires the magic power of turning back time to relive awkward or embarrassing moments and slowly learns that the only power she needs is the courage to be true to herself, to Michelle Poploff at Delacorte Children’s, in a two-book deal, by Sara Crowe at Trident Media Group (NA).

GLORIA IS REALLY REGRETTING REJECTING THAT “IDOL” GIG RIGHT ABOUT NOW
Singer/songwriter Gloria Estefan’s children’s picture book, featuring her bulldog Noelle, “who doesn’t feel like she fits into the new and mythical land she now calls home,” including a CD with a new song based on Noelle’s story, to Rayo, for publication in November 2005, by Estefan Enterprises (English and Spanish).

FUCKIN’ FEMINISTS
Sherri Winston’s THE KAYLA CHRONICLES, about a teenage girl coming into her own and her multifaceted, loving black family*, and how her chances for a “normal” high school life seem doomed when her feminist friends pressure her to try out for the high school’s nationally ranked dance squad – in order to write a dirt-dishing expose** for the school newspaper, to Jennifer Hunt at Little, Brown Children’s, by George Nicholson at Sterling Lord Literistic (world).

SHE BATHED IN THE BLOOD OF YOUNG VIRGINS! PARIS HILTON IS PLAYING HER IN THE MOVIE!
Alisa Libby’s THE WINTER CHAMBER, a suspense/ horror novel based on the real-life story of Erzebet Bathory, the “Blood Countess” of Hungarian legend, obsessed with never having to grow old, and the terrible secrets behind her youthful appearance, to Mark McVeigh at Dutton, in a nice deal, by Esmond Harmsworth at Zachary Shuster Harmsworth Literary Agency (world).

LET’S HOPE SHE’S BRIGHTER THAN WHOEVER THINKS IT’S SPELLED “CLICK”
Los Angeles high school teacher L. Divine’s debut YA novel DRAMA HIGH: Volume 1, featuring a quick-witted, 15-year-old AP student being raised by her grandmother in Compton, who is bussed to a predominately white high school in the South Bay, and the click of friends she hangs out with, to Stacey Barney at Amistad, in a two-book deal, by Jenoyne Adams at Levine Greenberg Literary Agency (world).

GET THEE TO A SHOW ON TLC
Lisa Klein’s debut THE TRUE AND NOBLE HISTORY OF OPHELIA, in which Shakespeare’s much abused heroine gets a makeover, to Julie Romeis at Bloomsbury, in a nice deal, by Carolyn French at Fifi Oscard Agency (world).

AND, BY “PORTUGUESE,” WE ACTUALLY MEAN “PERVYWORLD”
Portugese rights to Gemma Lienas’s El diario rojo de Carlota, the latest in the “Carlota” series, about a teenager girl who discovers sexuality and its secrets and keeps a record of all she learns in her journal, to Ediçoes Duarte Reis in Portugal, by Bernat Fiol at the Antonia Kerrigan Literary Agency.

PRETTY GOOD TWIST, BUT I THINK YOU NEED AN EXCLAMATION POINT AFTER “GUY” TO GET THE FULL EFFECT–AS IN, “….AND HE’S THE GOOD GUY!”
Portuguese rights to John De Vito’s THE DEVIL’S APOCRYPHA, a revisionist novel of the Bible told from Satan’s point of view – and he’s the good guy, to Wagner Veneziani Costa at Madras Editora in Brazil, by Judy Klein at Kleinworks.

CALLING MALCOLM GLADWELL
Author Lawrence Schimel and illustrator Sara Rojo Pérez’s tenth picture book together, ANDRÉS AND THE COPYISTS, about why it’s OK for the copyists in the Museum to imitate the great masters to learn their techniques, but not OK for Andrés to copy from a fellow student on an exam, to Ediciones Aldeasa, for publication in English and Spanish in spring 2005.

THE ONLY REASON THEY’RE STILL MARRIED IS BECAUSE CHANGING “RUOTOLO-BEHRENDT” BACK TO “RUOTOLO” FORCES YOU TO CONFRONT THE FACT THAT YOU WENT AROUND CALLING YOURSELF “RUOTOLO-BEHRENDT” FOR A WHILE
Co-author of bestselling He’s Just Not That Into You Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotolo-Behrendt’s IT’S CALLED A BREAK-UP BECAUSE IT’S BROKEN: The Smart Girl’s Break-up Buddy, a relationship book that offers straight talk, tough love, and humorous yet useful tips on how to survive and get over break-ups, to Ann Campbell at Broadway, by Andrea Barzvi at ICM (NA).

THIS WOULD BE MORE INSPIRING WERE NOT BEVERLY HILLS LANDSCAPING THE CURRENT FORM OF SHARECROPPING
Joe Massengale and the Massengale Brothers SIX LESSONS FOR SIX SONS: The Joe Massengale Way, as told to David Clow, with a foreword by George Foreman, distilling the inspiring stories of Joe’s rags to riches life – from East Texas sharecropper to the first successful African American landscaper in Beverly Hills – into six core values to help overcome adversity and succeed, to Julia Pastore at Harmony, by Adam Chromy at Artists and Artisans (world).

MANUSCRIPTS WERE MADE
Former CIA director George Tenet’s book, co-authored by spokesman Bill Harlow, offering a candid discussion of what it was like working for two administrations, two political parties, and two very different national security teams, positioned as “an historical look at what happened but [that[ will also provide insight into the challenges that face the U.S. and its allies in the coming years,” to Rick Horgan at Crown, at auction, by Bob Barnett at Williams & Connolly (world).

OKAY, NOW YOU JUST SEEM CRAZY
Craig Unger’s WORLD WAR IV, a sequel to HOUSE OF BUSH, HOUSE OF SAUD describing the affiliation of the oil lobby, the neocons, and the evangelical Christians, again to Colin Harrison at Scribner, the option publisher, by Sloan Harris at ICM.

TOO…MANY…JOKES…ABOUT…BLOOD…STAINS
University of Pennsylvania professor Caroline Weber’s QUEEN OF FASHION: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution, laying bare a life of almost unequaled power and constraints through the prism of the clothes she wore from her first steps on French soil at the tender age of fourteen to her last, up the steps to the guillotine, twenty-three years later, to George Hodgman at Holt, in a good deal, at auction, by Rob McQuilkin at Lippincott Massie McQuilkin (NA).

WELL, WE’RE RELIEVED IT WASN’T BASED ON SOME GOOGLING DURING A TWO-WEEK BENDER
Charles Shields’ MOCKINGBIRD, the first biography of Harper Lee, based on several years of research, to George Hodgman at Holt, by Jeff Kleinman at Graybill & English (NA).

AND, WE TRUST BY “DIGITALLY-SAVVY, MULTI-TASKING UBER-CONSUMERS,” YOU ACTUALLY MEAN “IPOD-INFESTED DOUCHEBAGS WITH ADD”
Corporate marketing trainer and co-author of DON’T THINK PINK Lisa Johnson’s book on the values and cravings of Generations X and Y — a new breed of digitally-savvy, multi-tasking uber-
consumers, the transparent marketing strategies needed to reach them, and the influential thinkers and cutting-edge companies that succeed, to Wylie O’Sullivan at Free Press, by Kim Goldstein at the Susan Golomb Agency (world).

YOU CAN HAVE MY FOAM-ENCLOSED WHOPPER WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS
Muscle & Fitness Magazine’s “Recipe Dr.” Devin Alexander’s DOWN SIZE ME, for fast food lovers who want to indulge in the flavor of a Carl’s Jr. Six-Dollar Burger and Chili Cheese Fries and Dairy Queen’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzards but forego the expense***, the calories, and unhealthy additives by making such specialties right in their own kitchens, to Miriam Backes at Rodale, in a nice deal, by Lisa Ekus at Lisa Ekus Public Relations.

SIMPLE THING #1: DON’T MARRY A DAD WHO NEEDS AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE
Parenting and education expert Michele Borba, Ph.D.’s STORIES OF GREAT MOMS: Simple Things Moms Do to Make a Difference, presenting inspirational stories and practical strategies from moms around the country who are having a positive impact on their children’s lives, to Alan Rinzler at Jossey-Bass, by Joelle Delbourgo at Joelle Delbourgo Associates (NA).

Simon Rose and Steve Caplin’s DAD STUFF, an illustrated guide to putting the fun back into being a father, full of useful explanations such as how to cope with the question “are we there yet?” and how to invent bedtime stories to lull your children to sleep, to Tricia Medved at Broadway, in a pre-empt, by Byrd Leavell at Inkwell Management, on behalf of Sam Copeland at Curtis Brown UK.

OKAY, WHATEVER EDITORIAL ASSISTANT WROTE THIS NEEDS TO CONSIDER A DIFFERENT VOCATION
Boston Globe film critic Ty Burr’s BORN ON THE SIDE OF A HILL: On Watching Old Movies with Children, an entertaining guide to watching old movies with children, to Marty Asher at Vintage, by Sarah Burnes at Burnes & Clegg (NA).

HOW DO YOU SAY, “THANKS FOR CAUSING ME TO BE COPIED ON EIGHT-THOUSAND NEWSLETTER EMAILS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON”?
J. Beverly Daniel’s FINDING THE RIGHT WORDS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, the second in the Finding the Right Words series, a little reference book with lists of useful phrases for writing Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza and New Year greeting cards, along with how-to tips for writing family newsletters, to Miki Nuding at Pocket, in a nice deal, by Mary Tahan at Mary M. Tahan Literary Agency (world).

IF IT’S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, WE WOULD JUST AS SOON NEVER SEE THE WORD “DOCU-STYLE” AGAIN
Publishers of Pound, Canada’s largest hip hop and urban culture magazine, Christian Pearce and Rodrigo Bascunan’s ENTER THE BABYLON SYSTEM, a docu-style cultural history of the gun from a hip hop perspective, featuring interviews with gun runners, manufacturers, firearms aficionados, major hip-hop artists and victims of gun violence, to Craig Pyette at Random House Canada, in a nice deal (world).

*************
* As opposed to those sadly globular black families
** As opposed to those discreet exposes
*** Literally, the expense