One Man. One Woman. Two Completely Different Worlds …………… (A Humor Blog About Marriage)

You’re Gonna Ruin It!

Well, I’ve written many posts about hubby’s quirks… most specifically his food quirks. Almost every week in our home, hubby’s interesting, bizarre, annoying, charming, idiosyncrasies bubble up to the surface.

And, in this post today, I’ll take “bubbling up to the surface” to a new place for you.

Today’s post is about one of America’s favorite foods and to be quite honest, probably one of the most sacred food items in many homes in our area. Yes, today I’m talking about that ever-so-important, staple food item…. The Pizza Pie.

Now, for those of you who are familiar with this special food item, you know how serious people take their pizzas.

Some people love thin crust

Some love deep dish

Some debate NY Style over Chicago Style

Some people love extra cheese

Some people want “the works”

Some people drive hours for that perfect slice

Some people cook them on stones

Some people buy DiGiorno …

And for some people, like us… nothing beats a perfectly cooked, perfectly sauced, perfectly cheesed slice of pizza!

BUT.. that’s where the similarities end for hubby & myself when it comes to agreeing on what “perfection” truly looks like.

I’ll admit that although we’d tried virtually every pizza place that delivers around where we live, we have yet to find that GREAT pizza. You know, the one that makes your mouth water as you think about it. The one that you dive into so quickly when it arrives, that you scorch the ever-living-crap out of roof of your mouth and… you don’t even care….. IT’S THAT GOOD…….

But, this story is actually not about finding the best slice of pizza around… it’s all about the surface of the pizza….

What do I mean by this?? Well, let’s just say, that hubby is a traditionalist (boring) when it come to his pizza. He likes it to be in its natural (boring) state. He like it to have cheese. Onlycheese.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I LOVE a plain slice of pizza. And, I’m certainly not knocking the occasional cheese only pizza. But occasionally I like to spice up life a bit. And, by “spice up” I mean branching out from that boring cheese-only menu to ADD stuff to my pizza. I’m a renegade. A non-conformist. A crazy person….. Sometimes it’s sausages, sometimes meatballs, sometimes peppers.. pepperoni… broccoli. The choices are literally ENDLESS. But hubby, nope, hubby likes his cheese and nothing but his cheese. It’s not that he doesn’t eat all these other items. As a matter of fact, he eats everything I just mentioned. Just NOT on his pizza!

Now, I’m sure many of you are thinking … which most logical people would, that there’s an easy fix to this disagreement. But remember, hubby’s logic is sometimes not all that logical!

You might suggest that we order the large pizza (like we normally would) and that I could get half with toppings and half without. What an easy solution to satisfy both of us.. or so you think… until you spend a moment in hubby’s mind.

You see… I cannot get half a pizza with toppings because they will, and I quote, “contaminate the cheese only side of the pizza”. Yes, this is the real reason that hubby & I cannot share a large pizza!

Hubby’s complaints include the following:

There will inevitably be certain topping elements that “infringe” on the cheese only side of the pizza when it gets cut (these elements are obviously impossible to remove)

The smells/flavors of the other food items will migrate over to the cheese only side of the pizza (and obviously the smell of say, meatballs, is repulsive to him!)

I want to highlight something I mentioned earlier.. just in case you missed it. Hubby eats ALL of the food items that I’d want to put on ½ of the pizza.. so you’d think that since he eats meatball sandwiches he wouldn’t be horrified at the thought of a piece of meatball meandering over to his side of the pie, or of the aroma of a meatball wafting over to his cheese.

But the fact remains that we can never, ever, share a pizza because I will ruin his pizza eating experience. I will forever either have to order us each smaller pizzas (and have extra leftovers) or forego pizza altogether if I’m feeling a little zany (you know, like wanting slice of pepperoni).

Which brings me to a conversation that we had this past week.

Me: “Hon, what do you feel like for dinner?”

Hubby: “Not really sure, should we order something?”

Me: “Yeah, I was thinking that. I don’t really feel like cooking”

Hubby:pouting over-dramtically “Well, I could really go for pizza… but you’ll want to ruin it”

Me: “Can’t I just put peppers on half?”

Hubby: “Nah, forget it. I’d rather order something else”

Me: “I fail to understand your logic”

Hubby: “You’ll never understand, but it will be ruined if you order half of it with peppers”

Me: “But you like peppers…..”

Hubby: “Let’s just order Chinese”

Me: “Ok, fine. We’ll order you a large, cheese-only pizza, and I’ll get something else. I don’t even know why we have these conversations……”

Hubby:giddy with joy… “OK!!”

And, the pizza crisis was adverted…..all is right with the world (PHEW!)

(And, yes, I do live with an adult child…. In case any of you were wondering……………………..)

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12 Responses

I think people’s food habits are hilarious. And I include myself. I’m sure I eat or do things related to food that others would find ridiculous. But I like to pretend that my way is the right way! That all said, really? Contaminated pizza by the smells of the neighboring toppings? That’s pretty, um, funny. :-)

The man needs to be cultured…how ’bout some Italian sausage, feta cheese, or even pineapples…something…anything!
You know I’m pretty sure ordering cheese only pizza is cause for divorce…I’m just sayin’…

Hubby here, have to chime in as this is an issue close to my heart. I am a purist and do prefer my pizza without extras. The good old sauce and cheese is perfect, why mess with it. With that said I call out my wife and even she must surely admit that I do when faced with no alternative eat pepperoni slices, meatball slices, sausage slices etc. Its just that Id rather have plain.

With that said, plain is not at all plain when you do a half and half. Some of you may think I am totally insane but I can taste every flavor of every item on the toppinged half. Thus making the plain half not plain at all. Its contaminated. When I have a urge for plain pizza, its not just a simple thing. I can literally taste it long before I have it. I can feel the sauce in the corners of my mouth. I begin to savor it long before the delivery man reaches our door. This kind of craving could never be satisfied by the contaminated half and half solution.

I stand by my reasoning. Half and half doesnt cut it. Its ruined and that’s that. So I say dear wife…get your own pizza and enjoy the leftovers just like I do.

Ohhh no is this how my daughter going to turn out!?! She is like that now! I understand about the contiminate.argument though I have an issue with onions and green peppers they do make the cheese taste different
S

I’m a kitchen-sink pizza guy, myself. In my case it’s the actual certifiable-by-calendar-age children in the family who get the plain cheese. But there are enough of us that it’s easy to justify multiple pizza pies.

They call that “no-touch-itarian” meaning the foods are not allowed to touch each other on the plate EXCEPT in certain situations. Example: I eat ham, peas, and mashed potatoes. If the potatoes have cheese or the skins in them, nothing else (and I mean NOTHING) is allowed to touch them. Otherwise, I will mix the peas with them. UNLESS the peas have butter on them, in which case, they cannot touch. Etc ad infinitum…

I happen to be a notouchitarian. And can I just tell you, many many people have tried to cook for me and failed because of how many things I eat/but dont eat because they touch. Tell your husband he is not alone in the world of plain pizza! In my case, however, it MUST be extra cheese…one layer is simply not enough!

kebperspectives ~ I only WISH it were as easy a being a “no-touch-itarian” that would actually make sense and be relatively easy to plan around but you see, hubby needs to throw one slight (albeit insane) element into the mix. And, this element pretty much means that no rules apply. His eat/but don’t eat list and rules seem to change like the wind. Either that or he’s trying (successfully) to drive me insane! LOL!