Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and the only living quarterback whose body is made out of popsicle sticks and held together with rubber bands, Ben Roethlisberger, says he's not retiring this week. He says he's playing three to five more years. Quite a turnaround from the time a few months ago when he got literally bent over and spanked by the Jacksonville Jaguars and contemplated retirement.

This dude is the most dramatic idiot I've ever heard in my entire life. This season, I can't wait to see him- Choose your own adventure:

break both legs doing a somersault into his own offensive lineman Week 4

get the pants beat off him by the Browns or something and whisper to some Cleveland reporter that he doesn't know "how much time he has left"

throw 4 interceptions in a row and spontaneously combust

roll his ankle stepping down from the podium after saying he "might not retire, but might" after a game

blame like the kicker or something for losing a game

say "well, we don't want to blame this losing season on injuries but we had a lot of injuries"

all of the above

buzz-worthy-

Teddy Bridgewater is apparently "healthy" and throwing a football, which is more than Andrew Luck can say. First of all, I completeeeeely forgot Teddy was playing for the New York Jets now.

The Baltimore Ravens claimed DB Kai Nacua off of waivers from the Cleveland Browns on Tuesday. Nacua is more of a special teams guy, which makes sense for Baltimore, considering they already have Tony Jefferson and Eric Weddle, and just drafted DeShon Elliott last week (who will probably end up competing with him).

Russ Brandon, president of the Buffalo Bills, resigned on Tuesday. He (was) also president of the Buffalo Sabres and Pegula Sports & Entertainment. The reason is not because of new QB Josh Allen's haircut, which is why I would've resigned, but because of some apparent "workplace misconduct," or something like that.

“It was a collective deal. The [inability] to win one-on-one, to win downfield. There was inconsistency as well as some huge things in his play. So what’s best moving forward for Dez Bryant the Cowboys, we just made that decision. It’s a production-based business.” - Will McClay, Dallas Cowboys' scouting chief.

Broken Arizona Cardinals QB Sam Bradford texted brand new Arizona Cardinals QB Josh Rosen, and this is what it said: “He said, ‘Josh, what’s up, man? Welcome to Arizona,’” Rosen reads. “‘Just wanted to let you know that I look forward to playing with you. I’ll be an open book, so if you ever need anything or have any questions, feel free to ask. Hope all is well.’ That's exactly how I'd expect Sam Bradford to text, but with all emojis.

Terence Newman signed a one-year deal with the Minnesota Vikings on Monday, making him the oldest defensive player in the NFL, but he's already saying that 2018 will be his last. Smart choice.

“We had another team which is going to surprise you. Another team had said, ‘You may get a big surprise on draft day, at No. 2, if he’s available.’ And it was the Patriots. They had 23 and they had 31 and they had two seconds. We thought, ‘That’s gonna be a heck of a move, to get up that high from where they are.’ And of course he wasn’t available so we never knew if that was reality or not.” - Jack Mills, Baker Mayfield's agent.

Jaguars owner Shad Khan wants to see not only the World Cup, but the Super Bowl at Wembley Stadium in London. "“Our role would be to provide a world-class venue."

Browns VP of Personnel Alonzo Highsmith (what a name on that guy), said there was "something about Josh Rosen that bothered him." Was it that he was good or

Tom Brady says he wishes Malcolm Butler would've played in the Super Bowl. “I wish he would have played, but the coach decided not to play him, and we still had a chance to win." But they didn't.