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Today is kind of different so no goofing off. Hey you, sit down and pay attention. Unlike other posts where I’ve kept things back for your own good, or those posts that I told you not to read because they were too esoteric, well here we’re goin’ to school so sit down and shaddup. Don’t make me come over there! This is a serious topic, not like the Casey Anthony killing or Jon Benet Ramsay. What I want to tell you about is the sorry state of Professional Wrestling today.

Now I don’t watch much television but what I do watch I like a lot. On Monday nights I’m usually watching Naval Criminal Investigative Service, NCIS, on USA network. I love it, back to back episodes. That Goth forensic scientist Abby Sciuto is a hoot, and Gibbs, well, will Gibbs ever crack a smile? I’ll tell you someday why NCIS is the most sophisticated and intellectual drama ever aired on television, but not today. Think future. I don’t want to make your head explode. Anyway on Mondays at 8 pm ET my NCIS bliss is interrupted by that abomination that calls itself Professional Wrestling: WWE Raw.

Now WWE just sucks. John Cena and The Rock suck. Big breasted women holding match cards suck the worst. Half the time it looks like Cena is wrestling in capris which is a disgrace to both pro wrestling and our armed forces. The people who like wrestling now are retards and knuckle-draggers. The only thing worse than the current crap that pawns itself off as “professional” wrestling is reality television and MTV. Vince McMahon ruined professional wrestling. Wrestling today is 1970s Elvis versus 1950s Elvis. That pretty much sums it up.

Let’s get one thing straight before we go any further. This rant has nothing to do with that so-called amateur sport (see above) where geeks (or Greeks) grapple on mats; that stuff they do in college and the Great Spectator Sport Swindle: The Olympics. Not that crappy amateur stuff. We’re talking Professional here not the stuff where nobody gets paid and nobody gets to wear the unbelievably ostentatious title belt. Nobody, but nobody, really likes watching that even if they say so, even if there seem to be certain doppelgangers that show up in both the professional and amateur “sports” from time to time. They have nothing to do with each other. Forget that amateur crap. Now that I think about it, it may be even worse (= more boring) than the WWE.

Pro wrestling now is expensive and sleazy. I liked it when it was cheap and sleazy. The classic wrestling era was the ’50s to the ’80s. After that it went downhill. Overshadowed by glitzy and expensive special effects, people forgot the true nature of the sport and worse yet, wrestlers forgot how to wrestle. Today’s wrestler is a poster boy for steroid abuse who cannot even master the basic “Claw” maneuver. Some of them actually think they can “act” and have fall back careers in traditional entertainment.

But here’s the real bombshell, unlike the classic era, today’s Battle Royales are staged! That’s right you heard it here first, the whole mess is rigged; fixed worse than a Las Vegas roulette wheel. Big money took over and the whole thing turned into show business with the outcomes as predictable as a Stephen King novel. Hell predictable, they’re scripted! Everyone except you, my microcephalic reader, knows what’s gonna happen in the ring.

So the current state of wrestling is essentially that of a big-buck crappy Broadway show (see above). A theater performance nightly, and we know where that leads. No wonder some of them think they can become “actors.” Now you don’t know this but I will enlighten you in a future post, you’re just going to have to trust me here now (you know you can): live theater is not worth talking about or watching because it is technologically inferior to movies and television. Hence the current “staged” state of wrestling is not worth a longhorn turd as far as sports or entertainment is concerned. Don’t you love how I bring logic into the mix to prove incontrovertibly the sorry state of things today?

Well what’s to be done? Here’s my prescription: first throw out the current WWE management and replace them with the likes of the golden era’s American Wrestling Association (AWA from now on), guys like Verne Gagne (see photo below) who could spot a real wrestler, not just some steroid pumped pretty boy. Clean house!

Verne Gagne

Move the matches to smaller venues. These big arenas draw graft and cheating like flies to a dead carp. Let’s use high school gymnasiums, church fellowship centers, senior centers, places that keep the mob riff raff and fixers out. Places where folding chairs can be substituted for “stadium seating.”

Bring back real international athletes. That’s right: Crushers, Bruisers, Chechens, Nazis, Bolsheviks, titled nobility, Sheiks, ethnically stereotyped berserkers, throw in a few Al Qaeda athletes for an international terrorist flavor. It is essential to get not just talented athletes but ones people can hate without a second thought. How can somebody possibly get worked up about someone wearing makeup called “The Undertaker,” “Triple H,” or guys with monikers that sound like rapper’s names?

Titled Nobility

Impose mandatory drug tests. The current crop of steroid crazed thespians need to be weeded out. No more steroids. No more performance enhancers. No more athletes that trained with Lance Armstrong. I favor a one strike and out philosophy. None of this namby-pamby rehab and second chance stuff. You’ve brought disgrace on a time honored sport and you need to be degraded and humiliated for it.

Make the rules stick. For crying out loud, a lifetime suspension should stick for at least, say, two weeks minimum. Suspended athletes should not be allowed anywhere near the venue until the Commissioner has lifted the suspension. Foreign objects (see brass knuckles below) in the ring should never be larger than a folding chair. Coming off the top rope should only be allowed when the referee’s back is turned. You know, put some common sense back into the rules and enforce them.

And finally, keep the big money out. That’s what ruined the NFL and NBA where rigged games are now considered the “norm.” Once the big money is in then the mafia moves in and before you know it so-called athletes with a trumped up college transcript are making millions of dollars to take a dive, drop a ball, or throw an entire game. That’s one of the reasons I don’t “participate” in today’s spectator sports. They’re all staged, unlike the classic era of professional wrestling where you could count on a generally good clean match with athletes you could really look up to.

Maybe there is hope. Ring of Honor Wrestling looks like it might have all the elements that made the classic era so great while still being updated for the 21st century. We can only pray and count to ten.