Horror's Not Dead

Uwe Boll is Going to Break Your Spine

This story is either too good to be true or too good not to be true, but God, I hope this press release isn’t a hoax.

Uwe Boll, direc-tor extraordinaire and creator of three – count‘em, three – films in the IMDB’s bottom 100 list, has thrown down the gauntlet to all reviewers who hate his work. If you wrote an extremely scathing review of one of this films in 2005, and 2005 only, you are now given an open invitation to apply to win a paid trip to the set of Postal and go toe to toe with the man for 10 rounds.

And I’m not just using a boxing analogy because I like ‘em. He wants to fight the five winning critics, for real. The footage will be used in Postal and broadcast around the internet.

I don’t know how I feel about this. If someone like Werner Herzog did this it would cement him as the most insane man in cinematic history. But Uwe Boll? It’s gotta suck having every critic on the planet hate your movies, but publicity stunt violence just makes you all the more cartoonish.

I’m not ready to crap all over the man. I haven’t seen anything he’s made. Well, I started to watch Bloodrayne a week or two ago, but even 4 consecutive shots of Southern Comfort could not make that movie a comfort to watch. So, I’ll actually root for him. I hope he wins the fights.

But, above all, I hope a woman reviewer gets chosen to go. Now that, that would be truly epochal.

I’ve gone ahead and used my time machine to take a picture of what kind of a beast Uwe Boll is. Yes, my time machine is called Photoshop and I am a God at its operation.

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