I am a wife to a man who thinks he's hilarious. I'm a mother to two beautiful boys that are only 19.5 months apart. I could eat Asian food everyday. I enjoy music, movies, crime shows. I live in the south but hate the heat. I'm a proud Penn State grad but I'm surrounded by Gator fans. I like the beach but not the salt and sand. I'd rather have a cheeseburger than a steak.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm excited and pleased. His room is basically set up. The walls are painted, the black-out shade is up, the valance is up and his name is on the wall. I can't take pics of the finished product until later. I didn't think he'd sleep in there today. I was fully prepared to put him to sleep in the crib as usual. He asked to sleep in the big bed so I let him. I told him that he was taking a nap and the nap could be in the bed or in the crib. He pointed to the big boy bed that he was laying on and said, "This one".

I got his pillow and blanket from the crib. I began reading stories to him and he rolled about and fidgeted for a bit. I asked him again where he wanted to sleep. I reminded him two more times that he could sleep in the crib or the bed but he had to go to sleep. I turned his music on and sat next to the bed for a minute or so. He seemed distracted by my presence so I left.

After, I left Ee work up from his nap. I was praying that Ee didn't wake Aa up. Aa was kicking his legs against the wall. I just knew it wasn't going to work and Aa would have to go to sleep in his crib. I changed Ee and rocked him back to sleep. I checked on Aa and he was fast asleep! Yes!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I recently had my prescription for Zoloft increased from 50mg to 100mg. I don't like being on meds. I don't like the stigma attached to depression and anti-depressants. I think, sometimes, doctors are too quick to whip out the little pad and pen. But I'm no Tom Cruise! At this time in my life I think Zoloft is a necessity. I'd be an irresponsible fool not to take the medication as directed.

I first experienced depression during adolescence. I went to a counselor; a lousy counselor. She didn't seem interested in what I had to say and was dismissive of my concerns. I decided that I didn't need to go back because it wasn't helping anyway.

After, my father was murdered, when I was in college, I again went to counseling. She was a wonderful therapist at Penn State. I really enjoyed talking to her and gaining insight about myself, my family and my place in society. I also participated in group therapy while at Penn State. It wasn't so much therapy as it was a support group made up of black women who were struggling with a variety of issues. I enjoyed that group and often wonder how the other members are doing. I wish I could find individual and group therapy like that again!

It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I first took antidepressants. I was experiencing mood swings greater than just the run of the mill PMS. I was also experiencing insomnia, crying spells, and hopelessness. I was under a lot of financial pressure and didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. My primary care physician, who was a doctor of internal medicine, suggested that I take Celexa. I didn't want to, at first. I thought it was a sign of weakness; a sign of failure. I discussed and researched it further and decided that I needed to do something. So I started with a low dose. I also found a counselor.

That counselor was also lousy. I remember her chuckling as I read a letter to my late father. Nice...real nice. I also remember her saying that marriage was easy. Oh, really? Where did the 50% divorce rate come from. Anyway, that's another topic for another day.

Currently, I'm taking the Zoloft but not going to counseling. It's hard for me to want to look for a therapist since there are some lousy ones out there. I don't feel like searching, contacting the insurance company, scheduling appointments, and finding someone to watch the boys. Some of it could also be the depression. Depression makes me lose interest in everything. It jumbles my thoughts around so much that I spend so much time thinking and worrying that I don't have the energy to put those thoughts into action.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm tired even though I've been sleeping better. I'm easily agitated and it's not PMS. I have little interest in anything. I have a couple good books that I want to read but I can't get into them. I have pictures that need to be organized and backed up; haven't done it. I haven't updated Aaron's baby book and I've barely started Ethan's baby book. I have exercise DVDs and a YMCA membership and I have zero motivation or energy to get moving. I need to request Ethan's birth certificate but I haven't completed the form. Basically, I have a list a mile long of things that I want and need to do. I'm not checking things off the list. I'm not getting things done. I say this to myself over and over through out the day. "I'm not getting things done!" or "I'm not getting anything done"!

I think some of this has to do with fatigue. Ethan sleeps through the night sporadically. I am dealing with mild insomnia. Since it takes me awhile to wind down and fall asleep there are times when I only get 1-2 hours of sleep before Ethan is awake and needing to be fed. After feeding and changing Ethan, it can take awhile for me to fall back to sleep. Interrupted sleep isn't restful sleep and before ya know it, it's time to get up for the day and start all over again.

Another issue that I'm dealing with is post-partum depression (PPD). I had PPD after Aaron was born and I'm struggling with it again this time around. I really need to kick this thing. I'm tired of being tired. I want to be able to focus and concentrate. I want to give my best to my husband, children and to myself. I have goals that I want to reach. I feel like I'm treading water. And I'm not very good at treading water!

Monday, June 21, 2010

I finally decided to buy a new diaper bag. I originally had a navy blue Eddie Bauer diaper bag that I bought while pregnant with Aaron. After having Aaron I quickly realized that the Eddie Bauer bag was not functional. It had a lot of pockets but they were long and narrow. I spent way too much time searching for things. I found a Skip Hop Dash messenger-style diaper bag on clearance at Babies R Us. It's a nice bag if you're carrying things for one child. I had no problem fitting Aaron's diapers, wipes, bibs and bottles along with my wallet, keys and cell phone. Then along came Ethan!

I tried to work with the Eddie Bauer bag because it is big. However, I spent way too much time looking for stuff. It was hard to keep my stuff organized along with carrying diapers, wipes, bibs, etc for two kids. I tried to make the Skip Hop Dash work but everything wouldn't fit. The bag had many pockets but they weren't roomy enough and if you put something into the front pocket, it would bulge into the bag and take up space from other pockets.

So I found the Skip Hop Studio Tote. So far, I am loving this bag! I chose the pewter dot print, but the bag can also be purchased in black, chocolate, champagne, and slate. It looks like a purse but is much bigger (without being cumbersome) in person. The Skip Hop Studio Tote also has adjustable stroller straps so it can be attached to the stroller. Currently I am carrying:

We showed Aaron his new big boy room. It was a hit! He likes to climb on and off the bed. He also climbs up on the headboard and says, "climbing, climbing"! He lays down on the bed with his giant stuffed dog and pretends to sleep.

We tried to get him to take a nap in there but it was a no-go. I left the room and peeked in at him. He was singing to himself and hanging half off the bed. Then he saw me and came running out. I chased him down and brought him back to bed. I stayed with him for a little while before trying to leave again. Two minutes after I shut the door he was baning on it calling, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommeeeeeee"! We haven't installed the blinds yet so it was really bright. I decided it would be best to just let him in the room to play and read, but continue taking naps and bedtime in his crib until the blinds are installed.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Monday, June 14, 2010

Since I've started this blog I've posted about a couple different subject matters. I'm not finished with any of them by any means. When you have children, nothing is really finished. I've been slowly but surely plugging away at different tasks during nap times, in the morning before they wake up and and night after they go to bed.

Daycare Search - I've only visited the three daycare centers that I mention in earlier posts. I have three more on my list that I plan to visit. Hopefully, I'll visit them this week. Trying to schedule appointments around nap times and my husband's schedule can be tedious.

Money - I've been doing well keeping track of our spending. I've also listened to disks 1 and 2 of the Dave Ramsey book on CD that I borrowed from my aunt. One more disk to go. I need to make time to read the book Financial Peace also by Dave Ramsey.

The Big Boy Room - The room still has stuff piled in the closet & two piles of stuff in the room. My husband started painting and it looks really good. He has to paint the gray stripe and put the closet doors back up. The furniture needs to be assembled and we have to hang the valance. The mattress and sheets have been purchased. I found some artwork on Etsy that will be perfect for the room.

Dieting - is not going according to plan. I don't know if I have too much on my plate (no pun intended) and I just can't focus on another task. I'm also ridiculously hungry and wonder if I've got some type of hormonal imbalance. I definitely need to drink more water and exercise but I just don't have the commitment or interest. Maybe it's too soon after childbirth. I'm going to try again starting today.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

"22. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23. to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24. and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. 25. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27. and do not give the devil a foothold."

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I feel overwhelmed. There's always so much that needs to be done. The housework never ceases, bills always need to be paid, and meals need to be prepared. Then of course there are all the things that I want to do. I love to read, scrapbook, listen to music, watch tv, and make various crafts but when do I have time. I make lists and more lists and I rarely get to the bottom of the list. A few of the things floating around in my mind at any given second are listed as today's Thursday Thirteen.

1. The Big Boy Room. It needs painted and decorated.
2. Aaron's ability to adjust to the big boy room
3. School. I applied and I'm waiting to find out if I've been accepted.
4. Our expenses. We need to work on a budget.
5. I'm trying to decide if I should buy a new diaper bag
6. I want a giant beach bag. I haven't seen one in any local store.
7. Several podcasts to listen to
8. Several books to read - there are so many
9. Family coming to visit and trying to coordinate activities
10. The need to lose weight. I can't control my sweet tooth.
11. I need to paint the letters or Ethan's room
12. Changes to our home/yard.
13. Baby books need to be updated and photos need to be organized

Monday, June 7, 2010

I've suggested budgeting to Hubby a few times over the years. He views a budget as a restriction. It seems as though he thinks that if it's in writing it's a legally binding contract. I view a budget as a plan of action. It's used to tell our money where to go. Unfortunately, I lack follow through. I've made plans to track spending and I'll quit after a week. I make plans to save receipts. The receipts pile up and I lack the organization and commitment to review and categorize them.

Try, try, try again. I'm trying again to track our spending. I'm saving receipts for the month of June to get a better idea of where our money goes. This will shine a big light on waste. I'm already certain that we eat out too much. We also need to do a better job of meal planning and grocery shopping.

In addition to just managing our finances better, we also need to make sure we're doing what's appropriate for our futures. Retirement and saving for college educations is important to me. I don't want to work until I'm 90. I also know what it's like to have student loans hanging over my head.

I borrowed a copy of Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. I've listened to one CD in the car. Hopefully, tomorrow I'll be able to listen to CD #2 tomorrow. I also borrowed the book Financial Peace also by Dave Ramsey. It's a start. I'll keep you updated with my progress.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I arrived at the hospital at 7am for a scheduled induction. I was started on pitocin which was gradually increased to cause stronger contractions. The doctor came in at 9:00 to break my water. It hurt! Actually breaking my water didn't hurt but he tried to stretch the cervix and that hurt!

I chose stadol to cope with the contractions after a few hours. I used two of the breathing techniques that Marie taught us. The second round of stadol was not as effective as the first. The first round really took the edge off and I could be lazy with the breathing techniques. The second round, however, I really had to concentrate on the breathing. The breathing technique that I used the most was a good tool to use to concentrate but my throat became so sore that I didn't want to breath. At one point I told Mark that I was having too many contractions and he laughed. I said don't laugh and he said that I couldn't tell him stuff like that.

Not long after the second dose of stadol, maybe and hour, I chose to get an epidural. I think I was about 4 centimeters dilated. The anesthesiologist questioned me about my medical history. I mentioned that I had been on baby aspirin for a clotting disorder. She wanted to know what type so I told her a mutation of MTHFR. She didn't know what that was and I couldn't explain it. I was given the epidural anyway.

After the epidural, I got sick. I threw up enough to fill and emesis basin and a drink pitcher. It was gross! I didn't have anything to eat either, just ice hips and water. I just laid in bed and watched TV and looked at the Electronic Fetal Monitor (EFM). The EFM that was in my room wasn't working correctly. Aaron's heart rate was reading in the 60's (not good) so the nurses kept moving the bands. Then they inserted an intrauterine monitor. Three different nurses tried to insert a fetal monitor into Aaron's scalp! So when we was born he had three poke holes in his scalp.

I continued to labor but my cervix wouldn't dilate past 5cm. I was given antibiotics since my water had been broken for more than 12 hours. One of the nurses told me that the doctor had been called and would be coming in to do a c-section. I didn't want a c-section but what are you gonna do?! I was prepped and then wheeled to the OR. While I was being taken to the OR , Mark went to get changed into his scrubs. I was soooo tired I was dozing off during the pre-op stuff. While I was in the OR I kept telling myself to stay awake so I wouldn't miss anything. I didn't realize that the surgery had even been started.

I asked the anesthesiologist where my husband was and Mark came in a short time later. I felt a lot of pressure. Mark said that I said, "Whoa that's a lot of pressure!" I don't remember that at all. Then we heard a little cry. Aaron was shown over the screen and was a cute little mess. He was taken over to the bassinet to be cleaned. Mark didn't want to cut the umbilical cord!

Aaron was brought over to me and I got to "hold" him on my chest. I remember thinking, "Your cute! Where are your eyebrows?" Then he was taken to the nursery.

Once I was back in my room Aaron was brought to me and placed skin-to-skin on my chest to warm him because his temperature was low. I was sooo tired! Aaron got warm and I was able to get some rest. Even thought it was very late I was encouraged to breastfeed. I was exhausted. Probably the most tired I have ever been! Eventually, the nurses took Aaron to the nursery and we were able to sleep.

Today is Aaron's second birthday. I can't believe he's a two year old! We're not having a party, just cake and gifts. We bought him a basketball hoop, a water table and SpongeBob Square Pants pajamas. Tomorrow we're going to the zoo!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I became a mother for the first time June 4, 2008. Tomorrow Aaron will be 2 years old! So the following is a list of 13 things I've learned in the past two years.

1. That love just grows and grows and grows
2. I'm a good Mom (a very, very good mom...maybe even great)
3. I love baby laughs, they warm my heart
4. Watching a newborn grow into a toddler is amazing
5. How to survive on little sleep
6. Children are sooooo resilient (and smart)
7. How to speak up for myself
8. How to speak up for my kids
9. That I am competent and capable
10. Let babies be babies - stop rushing them to grow up
11. Everyone's a perfect parent before they have kids
12. How to ignore stupid advice
13. Time Flies!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I need to lose weight! After having two kids only 19 months apart, I don't look too bad but I could certainly look better. There's also the family history of Heart attacks, strokes, diabetes and cancer to think about. My maternal grandmother died from heart and lung disease at the age of 54. I want to be around for my children (and grandchildren) for a very long time.

We joined our local YMCA and I have several workout DVDs. I need to get motivated and make changes that will be lifestyle changes not just passing fads. I also need to quit snacking and start drinking more water. I read somewhere that many times when a person thinks they are hungry they're actually thirsty. I was really good at drinking water while I was pregnant but lately I've slacked off.

I heard about Spark People from a friend on facebook. The site is completely free and allows you to track the food and calories that you eat, the amount of water that you drink, and exercise goals. I'm going to give it a try and I'll let you know how it goes. My goal is to lose 20 pounds by October 2010.