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Sunday, April 12, 2015

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More time spent with D. We were texting early and made plans for a walk, as it was beautiful today! Finally..! We got pounded this past winter and the nice weather is much deserved and highly anticipated. I did a load of laundry and took a shower before putting on a cute outfit: flowered leggings, jean shorts, a black Beatles tee, and a black bandana (with black boots). I looked and felt very thin. I drove to his place and we walked to the river. It was so nice, we talked and joked and took pics and had two beers each.

We held hands on the walk back, he made dinner while I did dishes, we watched an episode of "The X Files" while cuddling. I blew him. Then I left.

Nothing mentioned about our relationship "status". Are we together or not? I do not know and I don't need to know bad enough where I'll bring it up (again). Last time I said something he said he loves me but "can't take me" (can't take being with me). I do not know what to think about that. His actions are contradictory. He acts very loving towards me, both in person and over text. We laugh a lot. We are affectionate.

I am confused about what we are and feeling a little vulnerable. Why do I need a label? Society and social media. The "single" on his facebook stings and bugs the crap out of me. It's on mine too. I cannot be the first to take it down, as he was the one who ended it. So I'm single, but dating my ex. That's my relationship status for now. Everything is temporary, right?

I had a really nice time with him today. We do get along quite well and enjoy similar things like being by the water and pizza. I love him and I wish we were together for real. We'll see though. Life is unpredictable and with each new day arises an opportunity for changes to occur. I want what I want and I'll either get it or I won't but I'm starting to accept that there are certain serious things that are completely out of my hands.

I'm blazing alone in my new place, incense burning. Back to work tomorrow and I'm actually going in early.

Am I being naive when it comes to D.?

He knows that I love him. I am leaving the question of us up to him. There were a lot of reasons for our break up. I lied to him and it ended our relationship. Therefore, if things ever do rekindle ideally it will be because we BOTH want it. I believe he should initiate it.

The situation is neutral, I choose how to feel about it. I feel ok. I feel love for D. and acceptance of the ways of the universe.

I'm kinda of the school of thought that if you want something you should go get it and not let your future/fate/ending be determined by someone else. I hear your reasons for letting him decide, BUT I kinda think that unless he needs space to 'clear his head' or whatever equivalent, you should be fighting for what you want regardless of the pride/egos in this situation. EAT LIFE! Xo