Wednesday, November 24, 2004

My Benign Dictatorship

I was so burnt-out and burnt-up after this last "election" that I thought I'd hit political rock-bottom. Saturated with despair and outrage, I became unwilling to believe that things could get much worse.

But they are. And it's just starting.

The Democratic Party is barely alive. The GOP seems to be imploding.
The Intelligence Bill meltdown. The Abominable Spending Bill.

There's even talk of a 28th Amendment allowing non-native born Citizens to hold the office of President. This is designed for Gov. Arnold.
Maybe we could have an Ahnold vs. Bono election in 2012.
Oh joy.

Or just elect me. The GOP just revoked a rule preventing people who've been indicted on felony charges from holding positions of political leadership, so I'm now a valid candidate.

We need a new Party.

The Pauper Party. As in Twain's The Prince and the Pauper.Vote me in as benevolent despot and I will:

-Seize the property and freeze the assets of every member of Congress and the Supreme Court. And every Cabinet member,all the way down to the deputy deputies.Those vigorous enough to work will be forced into minimum wage retail/foodservice jobs. Those who are too old or infirm to work will learn a hard lesson about trying to survive on Social Security and Food Stamps.

-Using a combination of nepotism and subjective observation I would assemble a Cabinet of competent and qualified personnel to replace the useless and departed politicians.
For example:

a) the stoned-looking kid at the market who did a 'sniff test' on the ham he was slicing.

I dunno, man . This ham smells kinda funky. Let me open a fresh one. Jus' be a sec while I clean the slicer.

I'm putting him in charge of the FDA.

b) my old boss George could defuse any situation. One night years ago,while I was working in the kitchen, Wayne, the cook, threw a hot skillet at a waitress. Luckily, it missed her, but it still wasn't the coolest thing to do.
Enter George. George was a big guy and he was so red he looked like Santa.( He actually had a bit part as a red-neck thug on the old Homicide TV show. Shit you not.)

Allan, go sit at the bar for a minute. Have a beer. Now!

I obey this order.

Peeking into the kitchen , I see George put his arm around Wayne's shoulder; they are standing in front of the grill. It occurs to me that it wouldn't take much pressure for George to press the Mad Cook's face into a half-dozen partially-cooked meals. Wayne seems to agree. He gathers up his radio and leaves out the back door. I get promoted to head cook before I can even finish my beer.

George would be my Secretary of State.

c) My twin brother would be Vice-Dictator. He'd be the 'nice one'. Just to be safe, he'd be the official Food Taster as well.

d) A *ahem* friend of mine told me about a topless waitress that he saw kick some groper's ass without spilling any of the watered-down drinks on her tray.

Secret Service bodyguard.

e) Bloggers. Lots of jobs for bloggers. That sounds sarcastic, but I'm not kidding. The insight and attention to detail I see on some blogs rivals or exceeds what's on the mainstream press. It's where I'd start Intelligence Reform.

f) A random selection of former minimum wage earners would fill many important posts. They'd get benefits and a small raise.

g) During elections, I'd introduce a novel, if not time consuming method of vote counts. First, we'd revert back to paper ballots-carbon ballots. Check the boxes, one into the box, keep a copy.
The ballots would be distributed to isolated non-violent convicts for a count and a mandatory re-count. No contact between the convicts/counters, each other and the outside world would be allowed, but if both groups come up with numbers within say, .5% or so, then all the participating crooks get released or at least get reduced sentences and since we rely on the self-serving veracity of the blind-tested and imprisoned criminal element for accuracy, we can be relativily assured of less tampering than we are increasingly becoming used to. Plus, every voter would have a receipt.

Does that allow for a refund?

Joking aside, the Paupers Party could have huuugggeee demographics by 2012.

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