The Ukrainian Navy teaches dolphins how to kill people

Can you imagine a pistol-wielding dolphin squeaking out “Go ahead, make my day?” Does that make you sad? Well, we’re sorry, but we’re not here to throw a party for the fantasy world you wished you lived in. We’re here to tell you that the Ukrainian military is training dolphins how to kill people. Isn’t that wonderful news? Doesn’t that just give you such hope for humanity?

In case you’re not sobbing yet, here are some details: The Ukrainian Navy has recently restarted a marine mammal program. The program includes other military shit dolphins are good at and have already done, like searching for mines and marking them with buoys. But it also includes strapping knives and guns to their cute, soft, pewter-toned dolphin heads to make them killing machines.

Dragging innocent marine animals into the dark and nefarious world of military strategy is nothing new. They’re good at stuff like searching for buoys and so on. And this is not the first time they’ve been trained to kill. The Soviet navy armed dolphins with hypodermic syringes filled with carbon dioxide. Soviet dolphins were also trained to attach mines to ships. The U.S. supposedly has or had something called the MK6 Attack Dolphin Program. But this is the first time that the dolphins are literally going to be packing heat.

Which is kind of why there’s some question if it’s true or just a tall tale of the sea. First of all, as smart as dolphins are, it’s unclear if they have the capacity to discern proper targets — and they definitely can’t pull a trigger. So the Ukrainian Navy might really want dolphins to be able to off people, but they are some ways from actually pulling this off. Oh well: It’s the thought that counts!