Friday, January 30, 2015

The Total Bozo Magazine Super Bowl XLIX Preview?

The Super Bowl is happening on Sunday. We have a website.
Therefore, we might end up talking about the Super Bowl.

BEN: Would
you have any interest in doing a Total Bozo Super Bowl Preview? (This is how
the Total Bozo Super Bowl Preview begins. It is currently happening.)

KELLY: I don't know if I even have
interest enough to fake it. hahaha. But maybe Lindsey would wanna take a crack
at this one? Or Andrea? I've got them copied here.

BEN: Look guys, we don't have to do this.
We could all just agree not to do this.

KELLY: I think "someone" should
do this, and I'd very much like to read it. I'd do it if I wasn't cry pooping
over workish things.

LINDSEY: I wish I had time this weekend:(

BEN: I think it should be a good game,
since both teams are good at football. Does anybody have an opinion about any
of this?

KELLY: I always start thinking "oh, I
think this Sunday is the Superbowl" starting basically the
first Sunday after Christmas until I know full well that it has come and
gone. I also think about going to a bar where there's some sort of Superbowl
event just to eat their nachos, etc.

I literally have no idea who's playing the
Superbowl this year. The LA Kings?

ANDREA: just saw these was there an
attachment? i'm in Mexico but might have downtime tonight

BEN: The LA Kings are a hockey team, so
no, they will not be participating unless something very unusual happens. The
teams that are playing are the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks,
FYI. This preview is going well. I think non football fans should have some
Super Bowl traditions of their own, like how Jews go to the movies and eat
Chinese food on Christmas, and thieving nachos is a great idea. Maybe you could
all dress up like the Hamburglar and go "ROBLE ROBLE!"

Also, I'm going to open this up to Ben Seeder
and Pete "My Brother" Johnson, in case that helps. Guys? Super Bowl
Preview?

KELLY: I wonder if there would ever be an
extreme situation where a hockey team (baseball, basketball, etc) had to fill
in during the Superbowl. Like how there's Airforce 1 and Airforce 2.

I'm just not even gonna flesh that out. I'm
just leaving it there.

ANDREA: so the thing is i don't know
enough about football to even know what writing a super bowl preview means so
could you spell it out for me i'm interested. full disclosure i didn't read all
the emails.

LINDSEY: We could interview Ben about
"how to get 'cool' girls to watch the football with you."

KELLY: This is unraveling in the best
way. It's like pouring a bag of marbles onto the empty hardwood floors of an
apartment and then videotaping it.

BEN: I could definitely see some sort of Super
Bowl Emergency Plan coming into play where it's 2035 and a majority of the
country has been incinerated by cosmic rays but whatever jabbering meathead is
the current President insists that the Super Bowl still needs to happen as a
show of American resiliency, and it turns out the Minnesota Twins are available
since most of them were hiding in Minnesotan bunkers for the winter anyway. The
Super Bowl has been slowly but inexorably becoming about things that aren't
actually football for years and years now. Maybe by then it'll just be a thing
where you turn on your TV to watch an American Flag wave for three hours while
U.S. Air Force drones drop hot pizza poppers into your mouth.

Any thoughts on Katy Perry? I feel like the
entire appeal of Katy Perry is just "America really wants
to motorboat Katy Perry, but can't, but we feel we should keep her around just
in case."

ANDREA: i still don't understand what is
happening but i like it

KELLY: I definitely feel like the Super
Bowl is mostly about snacks and controversial commercials. I would buy season
passes to an event that included a flag waving for hours and pizza poppers
being DRONE DROPPED (I just invented that) into my mouth.

I feel like Katy Perry makes near constant
fart face and is basically a walking used condom.

I'm tempted to just start copying everyone I
know on this email. And I'll do that now. Tess, April ... any thoughts on the
Super Bowl?

BEN: THE SUPER BOWL MUST BE PREVIEWED.

I HAVE NOW CC'ED MY ENTIRE FANTASY FOOTBALL
LEAGUE. I FEEL LIKE NOBODY IS PREVIEWING THE SUPER BOWL.

Like what about Richard Sherman? What about
Gronk? What about those deflated footballs, and, like matchups? What role will
Doritos, or even Doritos LOCOS play in all of this? HOW AM I THE ONLY PERSON
WITH SUPER BOWL PREVIEW FEVER, OR "PREVER" FOR SHORT?

APRIL: I try to quit the Super Bowl every
year, and I can't quit the Super Bowl, but the closest I came was the time I
took a bong rip before the game and only remembered the Black Eyed Peas making
me uncomfortable while I was eating black eyed peas.

Sent from my iPhone

BEN: But what about like "matchups
to watch" and "wacky prop bets" and Richard Sherman and Gronk?
How does Andrea not know about Gronk erotica? What role will Doritos, or more
importantly Doritos LOCOS play in all of this? I'm out here trying to PREVIEW
the SUPER BOWL and you people are like "it's this Sunday, right?" YES
IT'S THIS SUNDAY. AAAAHHHHHH.

I EVEN WROTE ALL OF THAT ALREADY. I AM LOSING
IT.

JIM CRAGO: Alright, Edwards, I just
printed out the Rush tickets for June 12. Let's reconnect in a...

Whoops. Wrong email thread.

Uhhhhh...I've got the over on Idina Menzel's
rendition of the National Anthem.

KELLY: My cousin Karri who lives in Los
Angeles always Instagrams pictures of herself at LA Kings games and I always see
them and wonder if she's doing social media for them. It makes more sense to me
that she now has a random job with the LA Kings marketing department than to
think that she goes to sports games to see sports happen.

BEN: I am heartbroken. I have failed to
preview the Super Bowl. And to make matters worse, I am friends with a
Rush fan.

TESS: I'm very into this entire thread
and wish I had any opinion whatsoever on the Super Bowl. I only knew it was
happening because I asked a dude to go out Sunday night and he was
all, UM THE SUPER BOWL THO and I was like, lol k. I just want someone to
rate/review Katy Perry's performance based on which Cheetos flavor(s) it most
closely resembles.

JIM CRAGO: Well, technically two. That is
if you're friends with Todd.

Anyway, sorry to "deflate" your
attempt at a Super Bowl preview. I hope it doesn't leave you
"deflated."

PETE JOHNSON: Hey Ben, how are those tips
on how to get cool guys to watch the Super Bowl with you coming?

BEN: NOT WELL.

COREY RITTMASTER: I'm with you, Ben. Why
isn't there a Super Bowl preview on par with the red carpet at the Oscars?
People shouting at Russell Wilson and Vince Wilfork, asking them who they're
wearing, that sort of thing.

KELLY: Tess, I think we should go to a
bar where Superbowl things are happening, steal all their snacks, and then
start crying when Katy Perry comes on, and then leave. We could bring smoke
bombs.