They had to locate people who actually cared
about an election thats a full 15 months away when they know there wont be an
election booth left working after the Y2K bug eats us all for New Years breakfast.

In their quest to show that they can be the most impatient organization in
the countrya title previously held by Macys, which actually advertised a
Dancing Santa on August 13th using the line "Only 134 days til
Christmas"the Iowa Republican Party went and held their primary straw poll.
This, for those of you who were too busy fighting the crowds at Macys to see the
news, is the political event where candidates spend a lot of time and even more money,
well, buying votes. Its true. Its legal. And its really too bad they
dont do it in my neighborhood.

Its a simple
concept, really. They bus people from around the state to Ames, Iowa, then feed them,
entertain them, and pay their $25 entry fee, all in the hopes that theyll be so
grateful for not having to spend another night in Davenport that theyll vote for
whoever that person was who bought them. I mean, brought them. This is very similar to the
technique ex-Chicago Mayor Richard Daley used to get himself elected for so many years,
except of course in Iowa the voters have to be alive.

Finding these straw pollers isnt as easy as it might
sound. After all, they had to locate people who had nothing better to do on a Saturday
night than wear silly hats and listen to repetitive speeches, werent afraid of
losing their place in line to see the Blair Witch Project two weeks from Friday, and most
of all, actually cared about an election thats a full 15 months away when they know
there wont be an election booth left working after the Y2K bug eats us all for New
Years breakfast.

This is a country where more teenagers can name the Three Stooges than the three branches
of government. (Hint: taxation, scandal, and waste.)

As you may have
heard, Texas Governor George W. Bush won. No big surprise here. After all, he is running
as a legacy and, as anyone whos ever seen the movie Animal House knows, that means
hes a shoo-in no matter how dorky he is, how bad his grades were, or whether he used
cocaine in college, even if he didnt inhale. On the other end of the straw poll
spectrum was Dan Quayle, who came in eighth out of nine, trailing Steve Forbes, talk show
host Alan Keyes, and even Gary Bauer, a candidate no ones ever heard of, least of
all his campaign manager.

The fallout was swift. Lamar
Alexander, who wasted some of the best plaid shirts of his life running for president,
dropped out of the race the next day, and he even beat Dan Quayle. Arizona Senator John
McCain called it a victory, which it was considering he was the only one smart enough to
skip the straw poll and save his money. And then, of course, there were the 25,000 voters
who were wined and dined, going home happy in the knowledge that they did their part
towards making this the longest and most painful campaign in American history.

You have to feel for these candidates. After all, it
cant be easy running for President. Day in and day out they travel to strange
cities, walking around shaking hands, kissing babies, and begging for money. If you or I
did that wed be arrested for assault, sexual harassment, and panhandling.

And do we appreciate what theyre doing? Of course not.
This is a country where more teenagers can name the Three Stooges than the three branches
of government. (Hint: taxation, scandal, and waste.) Its a country where 60 percent
of parents say becoming president is a bad career choice. And its a country where a
dead candidate can beat a live one. Well, in Oklahoma they can anyway.

Maybe they got a little nervous when, during the 1980 presidential primary, "None of
these candidates" got more votes than either George Bush or Ted Kennedy.

Its true.
Just last August, Jacquelyn Ledgerwood managed to capture 21 percent of the vote in the
Oklahoma Democratic Senate primary, this despite the fact that she died six weeks before
the election. This showing was good enough to get her on the ballot for the run-off. True
she didnt win, but it wasnt for a lack of dying. I mean, trying.

In Nevada, on the other hand, you dont even have to exist to win an election. They
figured that as long as you can gamble and buy sex legally there you might as well be able
to vote for "None of these candidates" if you want, so it automatically appears
on every ballot. In last years state primary, Candidate Nonewho probably used
"Nowhere Man" as a campaign songactually beat out 17 of the 33 real
candidates. Now thats embarrassing.

Of course, even if None did win an election he, she, or it
couldnt legally take office. The legislators made sure of that. Maybe they got a
little nervous when, during the 1980 presidential primary, "None of these
candidates" got more votes than either George Bush or Ted Kennedy.

Which brings us back to George Bush the Younger. He may think
hes sitting pretty just because its been a slow news month and the media
decided a coronation was in order, but hed better watch his butt. Especially in
light of the fact that no candidate whos won the Iowa straw poll has ever made it
into the White House.

But alls not lost for him. If by chance he gets beat in
the primary he might consider changing his name to None of These Candidates. At least that
way hed still have a chance of winning in Nevada. And you have to admit, its a
better way to win an election than using Jacqueline Ledgerwoods method.