Thursday, May 11, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

“The Rock” Duane Johnson says
he may run for President. Or as people can picture that, how life would already
be if Arnold Schwarzenegger had been born in the U.S.

“The Rock” Duane Johnson says
he may run for President. Which is a different idea than the people who elected
Donald Trump because they wanted a strongman running the country.

Los Angeles public schools
have declared themselves sanctuaries. To which students are asking do they mean
besides a place they can go to get out of the house and sit around playing
video games and snacking without being hounded by their parents?

A woman passenger says she was
forced to pee in a cup in her seat on a United Airlines flight. Although flight
attendants say all she had to do was wait for airline officials to arrive so
they could drag her to the restroom.

A report says taking the
painkiller Ibuprofen just one day increases the risk of having a heart attack.
Especially for people who are taking the medication for persistent chest pain.

A 98 year old Canadian woman
was terrorized by teens who poured maple syrup on her head. People were shocked
at the news, saying “How waffle!” (Credit to the legendary Henny Youngman)

A 98 year old Canadian woman
was terrorized by teens who poured maple syrup on her head. Police say it was a
pure case of her being battered.

New emotion reading technology
can reportedly identify people who are anxious, nervous and stressed as a sign
they may commit crimes or acts of terror. Or they just may be waiting in line
to get on a flight with United Airlines.

An Artificial Intelligence
“detective” is being used to analyze police date to learn how to crack cases.
Also because when it is done with work it does some Netflix binge watching of all
the episodes of “CSI.”

A North Korea defector says
war with the country is “inevitable.” To which Donald Trump is saying “See,
that’s what I’ve been saying all along.”

A poll says 42% of Americans
won’t date someone with bad credit. Which means all the dating apps are being
knocked out of business by the ones offering a free credit score.

A poll says 42% of Americans
won’t date someone with bad credit. The other 58% are in the process of getting
a divorce because they didn’t follow that same advice.

A poll says 42% of Americans
won’t date someone with bad credit. Which means religious groups that have been
preaching celibacy can finally thank the government’s economic policies for
helping them out with something.

Donald Trump and Henry
Kissinger held a meeting in the Oval Office on Wednesday. Ironically the visit
happened the day after Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, which Kissinger
says it was good to feel like he was right back in 1973 again.

A New York mom says an IHOP
waitress pulled a steak knife on her during an argument. Apparently you have to
be very careful when telling a server that you need some silverware.

A New York mom says an IHOP
waitress pulled a steak knife on her during an argument. A steak knife? How
tough are the pancakes they are serving there?

A Charlotte pizzeria is
rumored to be serving a pizza that induces women to go into labor. Apparently
it is so effective it has been working on women who aren’t pregnant.

A Charlotte pizzeria is
rumored to be serving a pizza that induces women to go into labor. It is so
effective it even works on men who after eating it have the urge to put up
wallboard and hammer some roof shingles.

A Mexican village is mourning
a deadly fireworks blast. The sad part was the mix of emotions during the
explosion where people didn’t know if they should be saying “Oooooooh!” or
Ohhhhhhhhh!”

The Archbishop of Canterbury
says he will pray for Donald Trump and peace in the Middle East. After that he
will pray for peace between Trump and China, North Korea, Russia, Mexico…

A poll says the most common
descriptions people have for Donald Trump are “idiot” and “incompetent.” That’s
only because people taking the survey didn’t have access to a thesaurus to look
up more synonyms for “idiot” and “incompetent.”

A study says medication
slashes the crash risk for drivers with ADHD. But not nearly as much as taking
away their smartphones.

Vladimir Putin reacted to the
firing of FBI Director James Comey by saying “We have nothing to do with that.”
His administration draws the line at deciding who our next President will be.

A ban on super-thin models has
taken effect in France. Not just for health reasons, but because designers are
frustrated at their clothes not being able to be seen by the audience any time
the model turns sideways.

Disney is reportedly worried
that bad publicity about Johnny Depp and his drinking and spending habits can
hurt marketing efforts for the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie. If
anyone needs to have their drinking and spending habits looked at, it’s the
Disney executives who put up $230 Million for the latest “Pirates of the
Caribbean” film.

VW CEO Matthias Muller is
under investigation in Germany for not disclosing details of the company’s
emission scandal to investors. If nothing else, he has just made Donald Trump’s
short list to take over the FBI.

United Airlines is denying it
made a woman pee in a cup in her seat. They contend they were going to let her
pee in a cup when she was taken to the airport holding cell after her plane
landed.

A survey says 26% of students
will move back home after college to help pay off their student loans. The
other 74% won’t be able to because their parents will have rented out their
room to help pay off the student loans.

Sears CEO Eddie Lampert says
the company is “fighting like hell” to change the way people do business with
them. Like actually getting them to buy merchandise and not bring it back.

Lloyd Blankfein says having so
many Goldman Sachs alums in the Trump Administration “generates a lot of
inconvenience.” Especially for the people who already suffered the
inconvenience brought on by losing their life savings when Goldman Sachs helped
crash the economy in 2007.

A report says Puerto Rico’s
public water supply is on the brink of crisis with lead, bacteria and
chemicals. Which at least answers the question as to what it is that makes
Puerto Rico rum so potent.

Patti LuPone is calling out
Madonna for her role in “Evita,” saying she is a “movie killer.” How bad is her
acting when scathing reviews are still coming in for a film that was made in
1996?

Patti LuPone is calling out
Madonna for her role in “Evita,” saying she is a “movie killer.” Although that
was no secret when critics hammered her performance even in the documentary
“Truth or Dare.”

Kelly Clarkson is reportedly
being eyed as a judge in the ABC revival of “American Idol.” Coincidentally,
producers are also looking at Justin Guarini to join the show as a studio
usher.

A report says the Raiders new
stadium in Las Vegas could be cutting it close for the 2020 season. Apparently construction
crews won’t be able to pour the concrete until the mob decides just how many deadbeats
they need to make disappear.

A report says the Raiders new
stadium in Las Vegas could be cutting it close for the 2020 season. Apparently
it has to do with the Las Vegas city code specifying a project that size
needing to have at least 15 on-site game day buffet rooms.

A report says complaints about
telecommunication companies’ phone and Internet service increased 34% last
year. Ironically, it’s because the phone companies’ service has actually
improved so that people are able to complete 34% more of their complaint calls
to the FCC.

Apple has bought a company
that monitors people’s sleep. Which they are not getting enough of because they
can’t put their iPhone or iPad down for more than a few minutes during the
entire night.

Apple says it is investing
another $1 Billion into Nevada. Actually it is another $500,000 which could end
up as $1 Billion or nothing depending on whether the Roulette wheel comes up on
“red” or “green.”

Blue Cross Blue Shield will
start offering customers free rides to the doctor on Lyft. Especially to the
patients who need to see a doctor from injuries suffered sharing an Uber ride
with CEO Travis Kalanick.

Blue Cross Blue Shield will
start offering customers free rides to the doctor on Lyft. Although you know
your insurance company is cheap when they save money by sending you to the
hospital in a Prius driven by a college student instead of calling for a real
ambulance.

A survey says 9 out of 10
Americans don’t fact check information they get on social media. Mostly because
who wants to ruin a good story with the truth?

Police in the UK will use
Artificial Intelligence to decide which suspects are more likely to commit
another crime and should be kept in custody. Which like now is pretty much
limited to any accused drunk Scottish soccer hooligans.

Chicago is battling violence
with technology that predicts where and when violent crime might occur. Which
just keeps coming up as any time and anywhere in Chicago.

Congressman Jason Chaffetz is
asking a Justice Department watchdog to expand the investigation of the FBI
over the 2016 presidential election to include the firing of Director James
Comey. In other words, he wants them to make sure that everything pertaining to
the 2016 election is swept under the carpet all at once.

Congressman Jason Chaffetz is
asking a Justice Department watchdog to expand the investigation of the FBI over
the 2016 presidential election to include the firing of Director James Comey.
The only problem is that he isn’t talking about a government investigator, he
means turning it all over to an actual watchdog.

A report says former FBI
Director James Comey called Donald Trump “crazy” after Trump’s claims of being
wiretapped by President Obama. The bad part is that Trump found out because of
the wiretap he ordered on Comey’s phones.

Maine Governor Paul LePage
says he will not run for the U.S. Senate in 2018. Which is good news for Ted
Cruz who will still have no real competition for his undisputed title of
craziest person on Capitol Hill.

Donald Trump reportedly
considered former FBI Director James Comey “His own man” who couldn’t be
trusted. How could anyone be trusted who did what Comey did to get Trump
elected President without demanding a bribe?

Donald Trump reportedly
considered former FBI Director James Comey “His own man” who couldn’t be
trusted. After all, who can trust someone who had all those government
espionage resources at hand and could still barely get Trump elected President?

A White House official says
James Comey was fired as FBI Director because Donald Trump “got tired of him.”
The good news for Comey is that at least he knows Trump treated him with the
same compassion as he would his own wife.

Former FBI Director James
Comey was fired a third of a way through his ten year term. Who did Donald
Trump think he was dealing with, the head of the nation’s top investigative
agency or a major college head football coach?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful
Readers! Thanks for checking in on the blog every day. I haven’t checked the
stats lately but suspect I am still a little short of my goal to reach 7
Billion daily readers. I thought putting the jokes on Facebook would be the
answer but so far that hasn’t worked to my expectations either. Oh, well. It
isn’t like I have anything better to do with my time, like have a life. I still
always get my reward when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!