Greater New Orleans

EWWW, GIRLS! YUCK, BOYS!

You can see it on any elementary school playground in the country- a pack of boys rough housing over here, a gaggle of girls giggling over there, playing along side each other but seldom together. “ My boys want to rough house, tackle each other, and roll in the dirt. The girls prefer playing school, jumping rope, or just walking arm in arm talking,” says veteran second-grade teacher, Margie Allen of Covington, Louisiana. “Once in a while there’s a boy who’ll cross the playground to get in on the rope jumping and there’s always that one little powerhouse girl who’s right in there with the boys but these are the exception definitely not the rule.”

What is it that makes school-age boys and girls mix together about as well as oil and water? Although little is know for sure different play styles may have a lot to do with it according to Eleanor E. Maccoby Professor Emeritus of the Department of Psychology at Stanford University and author of The Two Sexes, Growing Up Apart and Coming Together(Harvard Press 1998) “Boys are rougher and play in larger groups usually with a leader. Girls play in smaller, more personal groups. Boys get together with a clear agenda like to play ball or build something. Girls on the other hand come together to enjoy each other’s company and mostly spend time talking and learning about each other’s families. Girls, for instance, are much more likely to know the names of their friend’s siblings. Boys are contemptuous of girls who they think cry too easily. Girls think boys are rude, uncouth, and too loud.”

According to Dr. Maccoby school-age kids play in same sex groups about 80% of the time. The tendency to seek out playmates of the same sex begins around age 3 for girls, a little later for boys, but by age 6 boys become more exclusionary than girls. Boys may even engage in teasing to keep girls at a distance or ridicule another boy for joining in play with the girls or acting in a way they consider effeminate. Girls are much more likely to be interested in “boy games” than boys are to be interested in theirs. But make no mistake. Little girls can make boys feel just as unwelcome and unwanted as the other way around.

Different play styles may not be the only reason school-age boys and girls avoid each other like a Great Dane avoids a bath according to Daniel Koenigsberg, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Yale Medical School and Child Study Center. Their repulsion may actually stem from feelings of attraction. “Even at this age there’s an attraction that occurs naturally between the sexes. To kids this age these feelings can be confusing, even scary. They don’t know what to do with what they’re feeling so it’s easier to circle the wagons and simply ignore the opposite sex.”

So what’s a parent to do when the “No Girls Allowed” sign shows up on your son’s club house or your daughter decides all boys have cooties? Is it time to set up some play dates with friends and their kids of the other sex, to force the issue. Not necessarily according to Henry J. Gault professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at the University of Illinois College of Medicine and spokesperson for the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. “It’s not a huge deal at this age if your son doesn’t have female friends or if a girl has no male friends. Of course, it’s nice if they do but it’s not as important as same sex relationships right now”. Parents can talk to their child and point out that while some girls do have different interests than boys and vice versa, they don’t share all interests with their same sex buddies either. You might say, “You enjoy artwork. Dylan doesn’t but you two are still good friends and love playing football together. Cassidy might not enjoy football as much as you do but she does like drawing and painting.”

Boy to boy and girl to girl friendships serve a crucial role in social development at this age. “Children need to identify with buddies of the same sex to develop a healthy sense of who they are as male or female,” says Dr. Gault. “Boys need friendships with boys and girls with girls to understand themselves through understanding their friends.” If your son has no boy friends or your daughter has no girl friends it may be time to intercede. Dr. Gault recommends you look for something that’s a natural interest between your child and a classmate, neighbor, or relative of the same sex then try to encourage time together in that activity. If your son doesn’t enjoy sports or your daughter isn’t into playing with dolls there‘s nothing wrong with that. Look for things they do enjoy doing with buddies of the same sex and try to place them in that situation to allow those critical friendships to develop.

At the same time, watch for opportunities to develop empathy toward the opposite sex. One such opportunity took me by surprise recently when my 7-year-old son, Hewson, came home with this joke. “Why do girls wear make-up and perfume? Give up? Because they’re ugly and they stink.” Whoa! We had a nice, long talk about how this type of joke could hurt someone’s feelings, that he wouldn’t like it if a girl said something like that about boys. I had the distinct feeling I wasn’t getting through to Hewson. Girls were yucky in his eyes and that was that. Later that day my10-year-old daughter, Molly, had 2 girl friends over. They were barricaded in her room giggling and telling secrets when Hewson decided to join them. It never dawned on him that he wouldn’t be welcome until he opened the door and heard three girls shriek, “NO boys allowed!” Aha! Another teaching opportunity. Hewson understood a lot better how he and his buddies’ jokes and alienation could hurt a girls feelings while he was still reeling from being rejected himself. One great book to help build empathy for the opposite sex is The Bernstein Bears: No Girls Allowed by Stan and Jan Bernstein (Random House).

So while your son might think playing with a female classmate is the grossest idea imaginable or your daughter dreams of a world without any boys at all, remember this stage won’t last forever. In just a few years those barriers will break down and the opposite sex may be all they can think or talk about for a time. All too soon you might find yourself wishing these years of icky girls and yucky boys were back again.

Mimi Greenwood Knight is a freelance writer and mama of four who lives L'autre Cote du Lac (Uh, that's Across the Lake) with her husband David and way too many animals. Her articles and humorous essays about the many adventures of parenting have appeared in national magazines, devotionals and anthologies (including more than a dozen Chicken Soups.) as well as on a spattering of web sites. She enjoys Bible study, butterfly gardening, the lost art of letter writing and is entering the technical age kicking and screaming.