10 Sex Tips I Learned From Barbie

Is there any girl in America who doesn’t know exactly who Barbie is? The bodacious blond, whose decadent lifestyle and affinity for the color pink would be really suspicious (Drug lord? Sex worker? Facebook inventor?) if she hadn’t pursued and championed every possible career from McDonald’s employee to President of the United States in the past 50 years.

Still, growing up I didn’t really care about her career pursuits or fabulous outfits—I was way more interested in her lady parts. Home girl had a straight up bald, hole- less fanny, and I am like, 99% sure I thought that was normal until puberty. Most girls had a Barbie at one point or another, so I am just going to assume you all made her and Ken dry hump their follicle-less, eunuch bodies to try and teach yourself something about “doing-it.” At the time, Barbie’s lavish lifestyle didn’t really make much sense, but now that I am older I can totally see how she and Ken and that infamous Dream House had much to teach me about modern boning.