10 Ways to Piss Off a Pregnant Woman

I’ve been at this whole pregnancy website thing a year now and it didn’t take me long to realize that there are certain things that tick off most (although not all) pregnant women. Sure, sure we can go around telling them they looks great, but sometimes you just want to be a dick and what better way to do that than messing with a woman with child? Well, here are just a few universal nuggets that I’ve found if you’re looking to poke the pregnant bear.

10. Tell her your birth story. Even if she starts to walk away, just follow her with every gory detail about your birth. The more painful and horrible, the better. And be sure to keep asking her if she’s scared. If she says “no,” just ask her if she’s sure or tell her that she should be. Maybe she needs to hear about your episiotomy again.

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9. Suggest a name. It’s doubtful that she and her partner have put a lot of thought into choosing a name, so it’s important that you weigh in on this decision with a couple of names you thought of on the way into work. If you come up with a funny one, be sure to greet her stomach with it. For example, scream “How’s it going in there, Ass-Clown-Charlie Brown?!” Be sure to lean on the surname when you say it.

8. Comment on her size. If she’s looking big, be sure to ask if she’s sure there isn’t two in there, or if she’s sure she’s due in two months and not at noon. If she looks small, be sure to ask her where she’s hiding it, or suggest maybe she just swallowed a grape. This one might also make her worry that something’s wrong so it’s a nice double whammy.

7. Jump in with “Just you wait until the baby comes” anytime she looks like she’s enjoying herself or if she’s a little too happy about the baby. Clearly she doesn’t realize how difficult it is to have a baby, so it’s up to you to make sure she doesn’t get too excited. Babies are awful.

6. Tell her what she should and shouldn’t be doing. It really is amazing that she made it as far as she has, considering how reckless she’s being with her diet and daily routine. Normally you wouldn’t care, but seeing as there’s a baby involved, you better get in there and smack that coffee out of her hand; or better yet, just give her dirty looks and shake your head. That will teach her. You don’t want your tax dollars going towards that kid’s tail removal someday.

5. Ask her if her pregnancy was an accident. The less you know the woman the better because it will make her realize that you don’t approve of her reproductive schedule (of course you would never come out and say that because that would just be rude). An even more subtle comment would be, “You know how that happens, right?” Everybody in the room will think it’s funny, but now she knows, and you know, that you’ve just pointed out that she’s had sex. If she becomes offended, just tell her it was a joke and to lighten up, then roll your eyes and say “hormones”.

4. Ask her if she knows what she’s having. If she tells you the sex, ask her if she’s disappointed that she isn’t having the opposite. (On the off chance that she says “yes,” be sure to tell her child that their mother didn’t want them at an age-appropriate time). If she says that they aren’t finding out the sex, act surprised and say “Don’t you want to know?!” Say it in a way that implies that she isn’t interested in her baby.

3. Ask her if she conceived naturally, especially if you don’t know the woman very well. Be sure to ask her in front of other strangers if possible. It’s a great question, because if she used fertility treatments, then she has to reveal a very personal, private part of her life, and if she didn’t, she also has to reveal a very person, private part of her life. If she says that it’s none of your business, you can just hold up your hands in defense and say, “Whoa, easy, I was just asking a question. Someone is touchy today.” She can’t win. It’s a delicious Catch-22.

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2. Toward the end of her pregnancy, be surprised every time you see her. Say things like “Are you STILL pregnant?” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and an extra helpful “I guess it just doesn’t want to come out!” – which is nice, because it points out the delivery she is *clearly* putting off and it’s a little gross, too.

1. Touch her belly. The less you know her, the better. Just walk up to her and start molesting her stomach. Make an “MMmmmm” noise while you do it. If that doesn’t get her going, put your face right up to her belly button and talk into it like a microphone. Ask the baby how they’re doing and listen for an answer. If that still doesn’t upset her, comment how her baby doesn’t move much because it didn’t respond to your voice and how she may want to talk to her doctor about that.

About the Author...

Amy Morrison is the Canadian asshat behind Pregnant Chicken. She started the website when she found out that she could have safely consumed caffeinated coffee during both her pregnancies and she was livid. She decided that the truth needed to be told about the myths surrounding pregnancy and the crap that goes along with it.

My mother talks to my belly button all the time, and in the weirdest voice, like she just doesn’t know how to be normal, I think it’s the excitement. I’m hoping she uses a more soothing voice once the baby comes, because I can see my baby crying if she uses that crazy voice. Lol.

If you’ve lived through the toddler years, you’re prepared for teens. LOL Seriously, between hormones (mood swings!) and still-developing brains, they’re just tall 3yo’s. Awesome, crazy, annoying, and you’ve gotta love ‘em, because just about when you’re ready to toss them out the nearest window, they’ll do or say something to melt your heart.

#3!!! I have twins (since you will ask, yes, they are identical, two boys) and I ALWAYS get asked “do twins run in your family?” (yes and no. do my second cousins count? ) “where does their red hair come from?” (the milkman, I’m sure.) “Did you freak out when you found out you were having twins?” (Would you like me to tell you that I was already freaked out because it was an unplanned pregnancy so when I found out at 10 weeks, we actually laughed, because how more absurd could this be?)

And while I don’t remember anyone else in the last five years asking me if my kids were conceived naturally or with fertility drugs (because all my friends and family knew this was not planned and strangers just assume I’m married) some lady yesterday had the audacity to ask me at the funeral of my kids grandmother if I had been on fertility treatments! Oh. My. God. Inappropriate, much? Not to mention she made a fool of herself because I was sitting with my children’s father and his family. Their father and I have never been married and have not been in a relationship for four years. Way to ask a stupid question.

YES!! #3!! I couldn’t believe how many people that I barely knew would ask that! Like it’s any of their business. Isn’t that kind of an intimate detail? And what reaction do they expect depending on the answer? Is it “less” of a pregnancy if wasn’t conceived naturally? Feckin’ weird! AND this question continues even after the pregnancy – I’m sure I’ll still be getting asked this when the boys are 30. PS. Yes, “naturally”; yes, they run in my family. Repeat.

I totally agree! I have triplets and they were the results of fertility treatments so it’s always a tricky question to navigate! My new response is “They were a surprise”. Or I can get away with saying multiples run in the family since my aunt has twins. It’s amazing how thoughtless people can be though!

Condom, what’s a condom? You mean there is something that could have prevented this. OMG, why don’t they teach this in school. Oh wait they do? Well why wasn’t I listening? Oh probably because I was busy being a tramp!!! (Said with heavy sarcasm!) People are absolutely NUTS…. ask how her last breast exam went or maybe her last pap. If it was a guy see if he’s had his protology exam recently. Like honestly, how do they get through life being so friggin NOSEY!

Number 8 In the fifth month of my fourth pregnancy my son’s Kindergarten teacher commented on my size and asked if I was carrying twins. I informed her that I was not. Rather then be embarrassed, she asked me if I were sure and if I had had a scan!!!

My mom loves to tell me about how when she was pregnant with me she was so huge that even her doctor believed there was a twin hiding in there somewhere…he did extra ultrasounds and everything all the way up to the end of the pregnancy! Turns out it was just little ol’ me and nearly a swimming pool’s worth of water!

To this day my mother will not call my neice Katie. Appartently her father had an affair with a scullary maid named Katie and that is a scullary maid’s name. I dont even know what the F a scullary maid is.

I was 39 weeks pregnant with my 3rd at Thanksgiving this year, and my husband’s aunt’s fiance (sorry about that long train!) would NOT stop insisting that I was carrying twins. When I told him I’d had more than 10 ultrasounds and that we were 100% certain there was only 1 baby, he still kept saying that I just needed to wait till delivery because two babies were going to come out. (Spoiler alert: It wasn’t twins.) He is so damn lucky I didn’t punch him right in his stupid face.

I have this plan for when I eventually get pregnant: whenever a stranger touches my stomach, I’m going to reach out and grab a handful of boob (or crotch, I suppose, if it’s a guy). When they get offended, I’ll just say something about how I thought we must have obviously been at the touchy-feely stage of our relationship. It’ll be the only time in my life I can get away with being such a bitch because I can just be all cliche and blame it on the hormones

Hilarious. The #1 thing that used to drive me nuts was when people would look at me and say “Oh, I see you are carrying (high/low/upside down/sideways/whatever.) You are going to have a (insert one of two genders).” Then they would tell me every example they knew where that was the case. People still tell me they can tell the sex of the baby by how the mom carries it. Now that I’m much older, I don’t bother to argue. I just whack them with my cane.

Everyone and their dog told me I was having a boy because I was carrying all out in front – strangers even stopped me in the street to tell me (wtf?). I thought I was having a girl but everyone was so sure I started to believe them. We had a beautiful baby girl. Ha, I was glad they were all wrong – only because they had all annoyed me so much, not because I had any preference!

Same thing for me! EVERYONE and their dog told me I was having a boy. One even said that I must be having a boy because her girls stole her beauty from her (how sad!), but I still looked good. I had a beautiful baby girl – and I actually believe that my daughters don’t deprive me of beauty.

You can add the OB telling you to stop eating so much junk food because you’re gaining too much weight, and when you explain that ALL food, especially the greasy and not good for you, makes you physically ill, she insists you’re lying. Then she tells you your baby is 7lbs at the most, but when you say, “No, he’s at least 9-10lbs,” she tells you you don’t know anything you’re just the mom. And when he’s born, he’s about 9lbs, and you’re down to your puking weight by your 6 weeks check up without exercising – because it was all that junk food you know. No, I’m not bitter at all.

Sorry you were so sick, but I love this one. At my 38 week check-up, the Dr estimated my child (sex unknown BY CHOICE) was “going to end up around 7 lbs” as of the 38 week check-up. I the baby 5 days later – all 10 lbs oz of him I am a bigger girl and was told I didn’t need to gain much weight at all to have a healthy baby … I wasn’t a junk food addict – ate inredibly healthy (and not massive quantities of food), didn’t have GD, etc – but gained a crap ton of weight (around 50 lbs). I loved it when the Dr. kept suggesting we needed to ‘redo the diabetes test’ b/c she didn’t believe that I wasn’t eating massive amounts of crap, etc. By my 2 week post-c-sec check-up, I had lost 35 lbs. By 6 weeks, I had lost more than I gained during the pregnancy

When I was having my first child I bought a lovely maternity dress assuming it was going to fit me right through the pregnancy. I was a 34″ bust, 5’10” tall. The dress lasted me till I was approx 5 months pregnant. I wasnt plus size they just werent well designed. As I am a dressmaker I designed and made all my clothes for future pregnancies, all 3 of them.

The number of times I heard people telling me that I was so big my bump would explode if it got any bigger – I made a lot of water. The ultra-sound technician once told me that she was surprised my baby hadn’t drowned in all the water I made. One social worker who I worked with suggested that giving birth should be like shelling peas for me as I was married to an African man. I pointed out that he might be African but I am not so I was not likely to crouch down at the roadside and then get up and take the baby home.

Same thing happened to me Kate. The doctors sent me to a dietician claiming I couldn’t possible be eating properly if I was so big. The dietician had a look at my eating diary and asked “why have they sent you? The only thing you need to alter is halve the milk drink you have at morning tea to 200 mls and this is practically a perfect meal plan”. My husband was training for a marathon at the time and he did all my meal/food prep (as I was too tired and lazy) so I was literally eating the perfect meal plan and still the doctors went on and on about my weight. It all came off pronto post birth.

I hated the looks that the nurse would give me when she took my weight. I am a bigger girl too, and I ate so healthy (junk food also made me want to yack) and carrying 20lbs of baby goop, when my baby was born I had lost 30lbs from my pre-prgnancy weight. So I would lose like 1oz and they would ask me “are you OK???!!!!” Uh…yes, just like last week….and the week before that. I would have to go through 10mins of explination each time about how, no I’m not sick, I was FAT before I got pregnant. Thanks for bringing that up…..

I had kind of the opposite… I gained a TON of weight even though I didn’t eat that much junk. My doctor was always pretty much calling me a liar and then told me to expect my baby to be approx 9lbs. My son was born barely above six lbs and we were both extremely healthy. Doctors make me crazy sometimes!!

I had the opposite problem with my OB. I have a slow thyroid (causing a slow metabolism) so the increased metabolism during pregnancy caused me to lose weight. I didn’t know about the thyroid issue at that point. I thought the weight loss was due to my inability to keep anything down. My doc kept lecturing me about dieting during pregnancy and telling me all of the horrible things my weight loss could do to my baby. I kept telling her that I wasn’t dieting and she all but called me a liar to my face. Pissed me off.

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