Toon In: Your March Horoscopes

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Capricorn: Bronchiolitis obliterans, informally known as “popcorn lung,” is a scary disease one may contract from manufacturing the butter-like chemical flavoring used to coat microwave popcorn. Although it sounds much cooler than other food-named ailments like cauliflower ear, the idea of not being able to breathe is never cool. The amount of popcorn made and consumed in my household between my housemate and I could potentially cause such harm to us; that is, if we were to purchase “buttered” popcorn and make it in a microwave, Lucky for us, we have mastered our addiction in the stove stop popping method, making Bowie the cat the only one who’s got trouble breathing (and that’s for reasons entirely unrelated to popcorn). You ought to try stepping up your game in such a way. Using the cop-out method is super lazy, and a Capricorn never wants to get too comfortable. Embrace a hardship and make it the norm.

Aquarius: As someone who doesn’t eat meat, I don’t think too much about the industry’s way of animal slaughtering, housing all the adorable little chicks packed so closely together before they behead them, just so you carnivores can eat your hormone-induced meals. Then I see things like Jimmy John Liautaud, owner of Jimmy John’s sandwich chain, killing wild and beautiful beasts like rhinos, and bears, and wildcats, and I feel so sad. Yet, why is it worse to kill a bear than millions of chickens? I don’t understand the value here, I guess. Can’t we all just be equal? As an Aquarian, I have a real knack for empathizing, and sometimes this even becomes hypocritical. For example, you can catch me wearing a used fur coat most of winter. I suppose to be equal, and to not judge, I must then also side with most of this meat-eating world. Over the next month, I want you to sit with this as if you’ve just won a game of musical chairs.

Pisces: The chilly air is going to warm up soon, and it will take some adjusting. I recently spoke with my friend Nancy, who happens to be a Pisces, about the first feeling of spring. Although I am the biggest fan of winter this world may ever know, and she is not, we both agree that the most frightening day of the year is the one where you first open your windows to welcome spring. There is something about that fresh air that brings up a terrifying sense of nostalgia that never seems friendly, although it isn’t particularly bad either. I prefer the day when I shut my windows and forget about air, as I prepare for the dark days ahead. To each his own, as it’s said. This month ends the dark days, and also the glorious winter season. 2 am on March 11 (which happens to also be Nancy’s birthday), we spring forward in preparation for new growths ahead. Let’s all just hope that our growths aren’t in the form of tumors, but rather those few extra inches of hair we’ve been longing for. Earth will only be getting warmer as time goes on, so maybe try embracing the cold air for just a little bit longer. Warm doesn’t feel so glorious when it’s ruining our planet, now does it?

Aries: Have you ever really thought about what it would be like if you were laying on your deathbed? Who would you want to be there? What would you want to say? I often do this right before I fall asleep in the night or right when I wake up in the morning. I get so involved with my thoughts about it, that tears sometimes fall down my cheeks. I’m not sad, per se. I believe I might be happy, even. I don’t necessarily always enjoy living at all because I’ve been beaten down and ripped apart. I’m confident, yet insecure. I keep busy, but if I stop at all, I become incredibly lonely. I am not touched enough, and I haven’t felt that special kind of love since 2010. I appreciate my friends and my family more than I can express in words, and so I live for them. Somehow, it appears I’ve made enough of an impact that me leaving the ways of this life could really affect some people tremendously. However unhappy and dissatisfied I may be inside, I suppose I hide it well enough that even my closest friends can’t acknowledge the desperation I struggle through so regularly. Meditate on this sad but true information and know for certain who the people you live for are, and keep living for them whether you want to or not.

Taurus: Nowhere Man & Whiskey Girl were the names of two Bisbee, AZ musicians, a married couple. In 2013, Whiskey Girl passed away from a blood infection which she had contracted that weakened her heart to a point of no return. Within 24 hours of her death, Nowhere Man shot himself. Their tragic story is worth reading about because, although it is quite sad, it also expresses great love. I don’t know what it would feel like to lose someone I loved in such a way that I would want to die, too, because it’s been so long since I’ve been given the chance to love like that. Although I’m filled with this sort of love, and although it yearns to come out and be shared, I’ve been cursed with the inability due to a possible case of being unlovable, myself. Hope is used as a way to fathom happiness, but I see it as a way to be let down. I don’t believe in fate anymore, I’m just a jaded idealist now. Fantasy has been lost and reality became cruel. Taurus, I want you to imagine choosing your own adventure. Perhaps you can set little goals and see how close you can come to achieving what you wish for. As a great man once said to me, “you can’t fail unless you try.”

Gemini: One thing that is good to do is to say yes to as many things as you possibly can. Filling your time with projects and hobbies, in addition to the dregs of everyday living, can be very fulfilling and help you to not be lazy. This way, when it’s time to actually get the chance to sit down and relax, you feel like you’ve earned it. I know this because I live this. I am attracted to people who despise an idle hand, but I can’t seem to find many these days. I used to be surrounded by doers, and we’d do things together. I miss a good collaboration and have recently been given a chance to create something with someone, and I am very excited about it. I feel entirely overwhelmed with my time, but I if I’m to keep going, I will do it filled with works to share. I am going to give you a project that I hope you follow through with. It is simple, and it will feel good on all ends: find a piece of paper and your favorite pen, and write a love letter to someone special. Don’t write an email, make it in 3D and deliver it to the person in the sweetest way you can. This is such an easy task, and I hope it inspires you to make more tasks for yourself.

Cancer: Sometimes people come into your life at the wrong time, and sometimes it’s just right. Sometimes people disappear forever, and sometimes they return. Sometimes you have to find a place for someone else, and sometimes they help you realize you’ve been waiting for them. Sometimes within the aura of one’s personal space is an energy held so preciously that another human’s energy may interfere, and so we keep others at arm’s length. Other times, we welcome another’s energy into our space as if it fits just right. I, for one, am protective of my personal space, and so I have a hard time letting people get too close, and yet my judgment is sometimes off when I see it more on. These become suffering times, and I learned this from such experiences. Lately, my precious and protected space has been filling up with a fellow Cancerian, and it almost goes unnoticed, as it’s becoming a natural state that I quite enjoy. The gentle nature of the Cancer is always something I’ve been drawn to, and so it’s nice to feel it so closely lately. I urge you to be like the Cancer I speak of, and accompany someone in such a splendid manner. It turns out not every space invader needs to be an alien form.

Leo: I found out today that the word “luke” is not just a masculine name, but it’s also an adjective describing a tepid temperature; as in “lukewarm”. Otherwise, the word is obsolete, and this is fine by me, because outside of the word being obsolete, so should be the temperature of its meaning. I can’t stand it when my tea has become tepid. There are only so many moments for a cup of tea to be drunk, and they fall only between the 212-degree water and it’s lukewarm state. Tea becomes much like the avocado and the banana, whose span to be eaten moves quickly between underripe and overripe. In Iceland, they hang the meat of the Greenland Shark to ferment for 5 months to make Håkarl. I wonder if there is a food to eat on this planet Earth that we Earthlings are able to consume at its finest at any given moment? Is anything so delicate? Leo, take this as a metaphor to use in your own discovery of something so grand.

Virgo: The orange van featured as the image for my March Astrology column has become a part of my life, and I am very grateful for it. Cool vans are a weakness for me (as seen in last month’s blue van drawing), and so I painted a picture of this orange one to pay homage to its beauty. It’s a charming van that has gone through many stages. The inside is often redecorated, it’s been customized inside and out, and it is cared for tremendously by its owner. A ride in it is always a fun treat, and while I’m buckled in with its homemade seatbelts, it’s successfully only taken me to pretty grand destinations, filled with ideas and pure joy. How do you find yourself traveling around these days? Are you traveling by foot or by bike? In your mind or your heart? Which direction are you headed? Do you need guidance, or can you do this on your own? This is really something to think about, Virgo. Time keeps on slipping into the future, and every moment must count. No need to dress lazily for a short trip to the grocery store, doll up to the max and own it. You only get one shot at a lot of things in life, and it’s time to realize you can be whoever you want.

Libra: Cass Elliot, known most famously as “Mama Cass”, was a member of the brilliant 60’s rock group, The Mamas & the Papas. It is rumoured that Cass died from eating a ham sandwich, thus poking fun at her weight. It is, however true, that she did pass from heart complications due to her obesity. Mama Cass sang “Dream A Little Dream” in a version that my Mother loved so much that it was the lullaby she sang to me as a baby. Shortly before Cass was found dead, she had attended a party with Mick Jagger. She left alone and went to a flat she was staying in, on loan from Harry Nilsson. Four years later, Keith Moon died in the very same flat. It is not rumoured that Keith ate a ham sandwich before his death, but wouldn’t that be something? Libra, from these sad tales, I urge you to take the brilliance of starting a rumor and get out there and start assuming you know things that you don’t.

Scorpio: Last month, I featured a painting of a blue van in my Astrology column. I left it on the windshield of the blue van. I then found out who the blue van man is, and I’ve since (most likely) weirded him out quite a bit. I always want to be doing something worthwhile, and so I’ve made it a project of mine to keep up with the blue van appreciation. A friend of mine has taken on the idea with me and has been helping me along my journey, by pushing me to keep it as weird as I can. Whenever we see the blue van, we take its picture and share the photos with one another. We sat at a local bar one evening and the blue van man was playing records. I drew another picture of the blue van, and as my friend and I were exiting the building, I dropped the picture on the DJ booth, and I gave the blue van man a little wink. Sure, maybe he is super creeped out, but I would just adore the love and attention of a public admirer, so I continue to participate in any way I can. A grand gesture, whether it’s welcomed or not, it always worth the risk. Remember this in the coming weeks, Scorpio, and show someone or something how you feel about it in the greatest way you can.

Sagittarius: On June 28, 1914, Gavrilo Princip shot and killed fellow Sagittarius, Archduke Franz Ferdinand. It is said that Princip had stopped at a local delicatessen to buy a sandwich, and as he was eating it, Ferdinand’s driver had become lost on the streets of Sarajevo and passed by the delicatessen where Princip had stopped to eat his lunch. As Ferdinand’s chauffeur was finding his route back to the hospital, where Ferdinand had planned to stop and visit some wounded men, Princip looked up from his sandwich and saw the Archduke, quickly pulled out his gun, aimed and shot, killing Ferdinand and beginning first World War. This is perhaps not true, but an interesting tale, no less. It’s funny to me that as a member of the Bosnian secret military society the Black Hand, Princip, a hired assassin, felt hungry enough to take a break from his duty, but that it all came into fruition after all. Well, relatively speaking. Sag, I offer this time to you to step a little bit off of the planned path made just for you and do something that seems selfish or absurd. Have faith that it will stir up a new direction for you, planned in another way, and just so.