A couple of pale faces show their pride during this year's Genocide Parade.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - If a bill now making its way through Congress is successful, this year's Columbus Day holiday might be the last one celebrated in this country. A number of congressmen and senators are strongly backing a bill that would replace the holiday with an "Indigenous Peoples Genocide Festival" starting next year.

"It's well known that Columbus didn't discover America at all, but rather set in motion the chain of events that led to the slaughter and destruction of people who lived here for centuries," said Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA), who sponsored the bill. "I mean, what a jerk."

Originally envisioned as "Indigenous Peoples Genocide Day," the concept was expanded into a week-long festival to better embrace the rich history of indigenous peoples genocide. "Let's face it, we could spend two days just on smallpox," noted Boxer.

Not surprisingly, the bill has met with extreme opposition from Italian-American groups who see the holiday as an expression of their heritage.

"While we understand the concerns some have about this holiday, we argue that its value as a celebration of the Italian-American legacy, and the significant contributions of Italians to our country and our society, outweigh those concerns," said Dominic Parziale of the Coalition for Italian-American Interests in a prepared statement.

"Therefore, we ask that those behind this movement reconsider their position," added Parziale, "so we won't be forced to string them up and cut their balls off."

Italian-American politician Rudy Giuliani also expressed his dismay at the bill. "Columbus Day is extremely important to many, many Italian-Americans," said Giuliani. "Some of my fondest memories are of standing on 5th Avenue watching the Columbus Day parade with one or another of my wives, wondering where the hell my kids were and why they hated me so much."

Not all Italian-Americans agreed, though. Sal Fontana of Secaucus, N.J., pointed to the much-discussed Columbus Day episode of The Sopranos (No. 42), noting, "That episode sucked!"

Regardless, the concerns might be for naught, since President Obama has vowed to veto the bill if it reaches his desk. "I am, uhh, sympathetic to the concerns about the indiginous peoples," said the president. "But I am equally sympathetic to the needs and concerns of the Italian people. And when push comes to shove, if Columbus hadn't discovered America, me and my people never would have been able to come here from Africa.

"Umm, I mean Hawaii," Obama added. "We never would have been able to come here from Hawaii. Which is a state. The, uhh, state I was born in. Which makes me a citizen of your country."

Meanwhile, representatives for the National Center For American Indian Enterprise Development were unavailable to comment on the bill, as they were all busy preparing proposals for new casinos.

SATIRE

The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» Congressional oversight committee says it has "new information" and is reopening Iran-Contra investigation, will have Oliver North testify as soon as Hillary Clinton is done «» Judge Judy to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Supreme Court as part of effort to bring more wit and sarcasm to proceedings and appeal to 18-49 demographic «» President Obama invites kindergarten student to White House whose finger and thumb were mistaken for a gun at recess, but Secret Service has him wear a mitten on the hand "just in case" «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»

The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» Congressional oversight committee says it has "new information" and is reopening Iran-Contra investigation, will have Oliver North testify as soon as Hillary Clinton is done «» Judge Judy to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Supreme Court as part of effort to bring more wit and sarcasm to proceedings and appeal to 18-49 demographic «» President Obama invites kindergarten student to White House whose finger and thumb were mistaken for a gun at recess, but Secret Service has him wear a mitten on the hand "just in case" «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»