Ending the Mommy Wars, once and for all

Over at Finslippy a few months back, I wrote about Melissa Summers’ Today Show interview. Remember that interview? The one about Moms Who Drink One Drink Around Their Children, and Why That Makes Them Drunken Sluts? The one that we all thought might be an intelligent, thoughtful discussion instead of an alarmist, condescending puff piece?
Anyway, I got all fired up after that segment, and I get re-fired every time I think about both the segment and its aftermath. Which is why, when I read this call to arms from MomsRising, it struck a chord.
MomsRising, partnering with Mothers Ought to Have Equal Rights (MOTHERS) is calling for a Mommy Wars ceasefire. They are sending this petition to the heads of CBS, NBC, and ABC, informing them that now is the time to focus on the real issues affecting families. As MomsRising puts it:
“A quarter of American families with children under six years old live in poverty. How about some in-depth feature coverage that explores solutions which benefit us all? Solutions such as quality universal pre-K and paid family leave for all workers who need time to care need more coverage. We spend more per person for health care than any other nation yet rank a low 37th for our mortality rate of children under five years old, and are the only Western nation without a national health program. These are just a few of the issues that impact all families and should be broadcast nationwide.”
This is why I think the Today Show segment resonated so deeply with so many people; not because it was such a big deal unto itself, but that it showed so starkly what’s wrong with how mothers are treated in the media. It was so purposely divisive, so black-and-white in its approach, that any reasoned, moderate perspective was simply run over. This story, I think, had a triumphant ending,because Melissa and other bloggers were eloquent and vocal in their protests; they stirred other viewers and readers into responding directly to NBC, forcing the Today Show to take another, more rational look at the issue. It was a minor uprising, to be sure, but a heartening one. We should keep it up.
After reading about the MomsRising/MOTHERS ceasefire, I thought, hmm, I should start a discussion group. Then I thought, I don’t want to clean my house. And then! It occurred to me: I’ve got one, right here. More smart women (and men! Hi, men!) visit this site than I could possible find to come to my house. Better still, I neither have to clean nor purchase snacks for you people. And since you don’t have to drive anywhere, you can drink as much as you want. Everyone wins.
So I put it to you, dear readers: sign the ceasefire petition. Then come back here and start issuing your own set of demands. What changes do you want to see in the way the media covers family issues? How do businesses need to change to better support families? How can the government pitch in? What do you need right now that you’re not getting? (Besides that glass of wine, that is.) Let’s get demanding and obnoxious. And… and drunk. Okay? I SAID IT.In other news… But did they all get new cars?: Parents attack strict rules at Oprah’s schoolEw. South Carolina Law Requiring Women To View Ultrasound Images Prior To Abortion Passes HouseImagine me sarcastically clapping at George Bush, here: U.S. to Offer Care to Infants of Illegal ImmigrantsIt’s about time they fought the real terrorists: Music industry group goes on warpath against college students

47 Responses to “Ending the Mommy Wars, once and for all”

I signed and I am back.
I’d like affordable healthcare for everyone. Let’s throw in some domestic partners benefits while we are at it. Benefits for domestic partners IS a family issue, for mine and many others.

Signed and sent. I love getting emails from MomsRising. My wife thinks I’ve lost my mind. I’m beginning to believe the internet and you Hackle-raising (props to Melissa)moms are actually starting to make a difference. Some sort of community-like doins.

More appropriately, end the Parent Wars… my husband is an active parent and just as actively guilt ridden as I am in raising our kids.
Take all the stereotype roles out, and focus on helping everyone responsible for raising kids.
Off my soap box now….

I am as pro-choice as the next person, but I’m having a hard time building up the proper outrage at the ultrasound requirement. My very dear friend was all set to get an abortion which I felt was very ill-advised because she was 40 years old at the time, planned to stay with the father, and wanted to have kids with him eventually. They had JUST started their relationship, and felt they weren’t ready for a child. Her OB did an ultrasound and that was it. She didn’t get the abortion and is now the proud mom of two little girls that she adores. Abortions isn’t ALWAYS the right choice for everyone and it’s a choice a woman has to live with for the rest of her life. This law might give women a little more perspective on what they are doing. It’s not excising a tumor. It’s ending the life of your future children’s sibling.
I’ll say it again though. I am a pro-choice, liberal, Democratic, well-educated Northern California woman. Not some frothing-at-the-mouth pro-life conservative.

Businesses need to start supporting families by stopping with their idiot advertising that shows all of these moms who are super earnest about cleaning and dads who have no freaking clue and are only there to throw a football when they pull in the driveway after work. That’s not very articulate, but you get my drift. Moms are the busy, harried ones who are chopping potatoes in a business meeting and fretting about if their kids are drinking the healthiest sugary “juice” possible and dads are just absent and dumb. I’m sick of it.

I signed the petition.
There is so much talk about why parents blog and I think it is just this. It is difficult for parents in the trenches to feel as though they can make a change all by themselves. Parenting, particularly new motherhood, can be isolating and that makes it’s easier for the media to marginalize mothers. Participation in the blogging community is a fabulous way for parents to to share ideas, band together and push for change – all the while being able to focus on what matters – parenting our children.
Great blog!

Anything for you, Alice. I’ve been sad about the Mommy (Parent) Wars ever since Melissa’s appearance on Today. We all have so many more important things to be doing than pointing fingers at each other.
Like deciding which goes better with chicken nuggets – white or red?

Why doesn’t the US have maternity regulations comparable to the UK or Canada? Something along the lines of a year off to heal and take care of your child? That might be too much for our money-grubbing society, so let’s shoot for 12 weeks, paid, for every new mother.
And breast-feeding rooms in every workplace, so that mothers aren’t forced out of BF when those 12 weeks are up.

The Mothers Rising group is amazing – I’ve been impressed by all their petitions and causes so far. I think you’re right about the anger at the Today piece – who cares about the drinking, it’s about moms hating on each other that we’re upset!! I want universal health care, paid maternity leave AND paternity leave, more sick days to use for sick kids, that sort of thing – we might call them basic rights as a parent?

It’s easier to kill a baby you can’t see. But that doesn’t make it right. If you still want to abort after you have an ultrasound, you can go ahead with a clear conscience. If not, you’ll be grateful you were given the opportunity to see your baby and that you stopped in time. The ultrasound law is a good one. – From another well-educated liberal

It’s funny that I am so outside the mommy wars. I’m: ‘There’s a war? A mommy war? What are we warring about?’
But then sometimes I’m: “I’m a mommy? What the hell does that mean?” So maybe I’m not the right person to ask.
In terms of mom things that annoy me, I’d have to second Quirky’s comment. When I think “What does a mommy do?” I must confess–“Oh, that’s pretty much what the daddy does in our house.” To describe his role, I’d have to say “He’s the mommy too” as the vast majority of parenting tasks are relegated to mothers and there isn’t a widespread sense that this is what fathers do. At the doctors office reading ‘Parents’ magazine, in the parenting books (What To Expect especially but all of them) I am pretty much horrified by what the world’s idea of mothers v. fathers. Tolerate their wives overwork and give them backrubs once in a while seems to be the going consensus. Even “Brain, Child” is targeted to mothers primarily.
If we want to transform motherhood, we might want to start with transforming fatherhood.

“Think about it,” I take great issue with the argument that abortion is ever an easy decision. Women who choose to abort are already going through enough, and they know all too well what’s inside them. Being forced to have an ultrasound is astoundingly, astoundingly insulting.

I signed and am back.
Subsidized (or at least affordable) daycare.
Forcing women to have an ultrasound before they can have an abortion is a horrible, cruel and offensive practice. I know from experience that making the decision is agonizing, and that getting as far as the clinic is a heart-wrenching journey. Subjecting scared, vulnerable women to yet another trauma before allowing them to proceed with a medical procedure is criminal. The doctors who allow this are breaking their Hippocratic oath to “first, do no harm”.

I love you and both of your blogs Alice. But here is where you and I will have to respectfully agree to disagree. If it’s that distasteful to view the contents of her uterus, perhaps another option would be better for the pregnant woman. I am pro INFORMED choice. Women should know what the long term emotional implications of an abortion are. For them! I think most women who have chosen to undergo an abortion would tell you that they don’t just walk away from that procedure like they had mole removed. If she can’t have children later when she is ready, there has to be some guilt and self-loathing involved. I don’t claim that having a ultrasound will undo that, but having that extra bit of information seems like the right thing to do.
Somehow refusing to have an ultrasound seems too much like holding your nose and looking away while taking out the trash.
I know, I’m stirring up all kinds of sh*t by saying this; so I’m prepared. Sound off people. I can take it.

Why do you guys say “ew” about moms having to see an ultrasound picture of their baby before they have an abortion? Shouldn’t they know exactly what they are about to do? That’s a baby in there, and they should see it, complete with fingers, toes, and a beating heart, before they make the decision.

I think the abortion law is a good one. I think many women have no clue what is really going on in their bodies during pregnancy until they are pregnant and start reading a pregnancy book. How many women really know that the heart starts beating at 5 weeks? Or what a six or eight week old fetus looks like?
How many people would have a growth or tissue removed without first seeing it on x-ray or ultrasound? Why is this any different?
Yes, I’m a southern, pro-life conservative who would have a lot less problem with abortion law if everyone had to view an ultrasound prior to the procedure.

Amen, petition signed…There are so many of us that have been both Working Mom and Stay at Home Mom at different times during their progeny’s childhood. I think those of us who have played both roles can attest to the fact that you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t (work that is). It is SO time to put the Wars behind us and respect eachothers’ decisions. Believe me, both sides are making sacrifices of one kind or another.

Wait, abortions are an easy decision?
Contrary to popular belief, all the women I know who have had abortions made difficult decisions, most are happy with their choices, one I know is not. Forcing a woman to view an ultrasound preabortion only serves to add some emotional angst to an already deeply emotional and personal decision.
Eww is completely right.

Bravo for a push for better care for our children, and a better understanding of parenting issues and situations by the mainstream media. In terms of the ultrasound issue, I concur with those who say that many, if not most,women actually are unfamliar with embryonal/fetal development. But I also think that informed consent can be obtained without viewing the ultrasound. I don’t think one has to view the ultrasound to understand the purpose of the procedure.

OK, if SC wants to play hardball…then for every women not choosing an abortion after seeing the ultrasound, SC should offer whatever she needs to give that baby every advantage in life…and sign a contract with her for subsidized housing, free daycare, educational and job opportunities, good public education, safe neighborhoods, etc. Because it is all about that child’s welfare. Isn’t it? Are you sure??

One of the issues with forcing women to view the ultrasounds has to do with the people PERFORMING the ultrasounds. The bill does not establish where or by whom the ultrasound must be administered. Many times, the ultrasounds (especially those conducted in free “mobile pregnancy counseling units” similar to this one in the South Bronx) are performed by volunteers for pro-life organizations, not medical professionals.
In the first trimester, anyone looking at an ultrasound sees what he or she is told to see. If a pro-life volunteer with an agenda points out “a baby in there… complete with fingers, toes, and a beating heart,” then that’s what the woman will see, whether those features are objectively visible in the ultrasound or not.
If a person is seeking an abortion, then the ultrasound is not needed to confirm pregnancy. Patients seeking a legal surgical procedure should not be subjected to unsolicited medical advice and unnecessary medical testing. Period.
I also want to point out that the state of South Carolina doesn’t do such a great job once the unborn children they so vehemently claim to protect are, well…. BORN.
These facts are from the South Carolina Food Stamp Nutrition Education Program’s website.
• Infant mortality is an indicator of the overall health of a community. Ten of the 12 states with the highest infant death rates are in the South, with South Carolina ranking first in eight of the last ten years.
• Forty-three and a half percent of pregnant women in South Carolina receive inadequate prenatal care.
• In addition, South Carolina ranks among the worst ten states on characteristics correlated with low birth weight (i.e. prematurity, births to women with inadequate prenatal care, unmarried women and teenagers.)

Can we make this a little clearer? Abortion is THE WOMAN’S DECISION. And it is her call as to whether to have an ultrasound. It’s her damn body, and if nosy-ass types don’t approve, that is their problem. The government doesn’t get to nose in and shake its disapproving finger at her…because it’s her damn body and none of their damn business.
And you know, earlier poster, it’s great that your friend changed her mind, but to force everyone else to look at an ultrasound as though they weren’t capable of making this decision on their own is just insulting.
(edited to add more swear words)

On some level, maybe out of respect for the human that COULD have resulted from the pregnancy, emotional angst is the appropriate thing to feel. I suffered two miscarriages very early on in the pregnancies between my two boys. That experience, plus the experience of giving birth to two healthy children made me feel like getting pregnant is a privilege. Whether it is via an ultrasound or just a self-imposed period of reflection, I think every woman should take a good hard look at what she is doing, not treat an abortion like taking a band-aide off. Rip it off quick before you feel the pain. No doubt most women do take that time. I am deeply grateful we still live in country where a woman can make that choice for herself though.

Have you heard of Stand For Children? It’s an amazing organization whose sole effort is (as the name explains) standing for children in every and any way possible. They helped pass legislation last year here in TN to expand the state-funded pre-K program. Here’s the web address: http://www.stand.org

I have been with many friends through their abortions and most of them had ultrasounds, but the screen was turned away from the woman out of respect for her decision and sensitivity for her position. This legislation reeks of manipulation to me, a way of punishing the woman for her choice, digging the knife a little deeper, asking her to prove how heartless she REALLY is to do the act. Implies so much distrust of women to be able to make a decision like this and controlling. Abortion is not a punishment for anyone involved, and the implications of being forced to look at the ultrasound is obviously punishment.

Has anyone pushing for these ultrasounds ever HAD a first-trimester ultrasound? They’re invasive and can be painful, for one thing. They’re an added expense, for another. And while people may like to wax eloquent about the “fingers and toes and tiny beating heart,” the 10 week ultrasounds for both of my pregnancies showed something that looked a lot more like a jellybean than a baby.
Like the 24 hour waiting period, the ultrasound rules are just another pointless barrier between a woman and her health care. Anyone who thinks an abortion is an easy decision has never had one, as far as I can tell. There’s no laws preventing women from having an ultrasound if they want one, and most abortion clinics will use an ultrasound to “date” the pregnancy. So why force people who don’t want an ultrasound to have one?

Who are all these women who “have no clue what is really going on in their bodies during pregnancy until they are pregnant”?
Seems like your sex education classes had nothing on mine. Or maybe this is just a side effect of having a midwife for a mother.

Gee whiz, free (forced) ultrasounds for women who may not have medical insurance (and as a result, access to birth control?) All hail the generosity of the great state of South Carolina.
Preposterous, insulting, and immoral, are words that come to my mind.

As a long time reader/lurker, I finally had to de-cloak on this issue. Sadly, in the field that I work in, we deal with plenty of young women who view abortion as a birth control method rather than actually thinking deeper and realizing that it is a child they are ridding themselves of. Here are some statistics:
Who’s having abortions (income)?
Women with family incomes less than $15,000 obtain 28.7% of all abortions; Women with family incomes between $15,000 and $29,999 obtain 19.5%; Women with family incomes between $30,000 and $59,999 obtain 38.0%; Women with family incomes over $60,000 obtain 13.8% .
Who’s having abortions (age)?
52% of women obtaining abortions in the U.S. are younger than 25: Women aged 20-24 obtain 32% of all abortions; Teenagers obtain 20% and girls under 15 account for 1.2%.
As you can see, it is NOT the poor and indigent that are rating the highest numbers in america…but YOUNG middle class income earners. This isn’t an issue reflecting on those of us who look at most every decision we make carefully. We can be indignant and say it is offensive to make women look at the Ultrasounds, but I offer the humble suggestion that perhaps they are trying to reach the MAJORITY of young women getting the abortions because a high number of them are too lazy to be responsible enough with taking precautions before they play patty cake.
There are roughly 1.5 million abortions done in America ever year. That is 3700 a day! Perhaps if there were a lot more moms and dads like the ones who post here regularily, that take the responsibility of rearing their children seriously, we wouldn’t have so many young women who really could care less about thinking this issue through all the way.

I am a South Carolina resident who is hanging her head in shame. If you can count on the SC legislature to do one thing, it is to propose idiotic laws like this. They haven’t mentioned who will pay for these expensive ultrasounds. Hmmm…maybe it should come out of their pockets. BTW, great post, Alice.

I live in South Carolina. Hi!
I am overwhelmingly dismayed by the recent bill (passed by the State House by not yet addressed by the State Senate) to require a woman to not only view the ultrasound image but certify in writing that she has viewed it.
Here is the full text of the bill, if anyone is interested:http://www.scstatehouse.net/sess117_2007-2008/prever/3355_20070228.htm
Though the revision to the law which requires the physician performing the abortion to use an obstetric ultrasound to date the pregnancy conceivably has merit (though, to my mind, it does nothing but add another legislative requirement to a procedure surely the qualified physician is better equipped to evaluate), requiring the woman to view and certify the ultrasound goes too far. Current law here requires the physician to inform the woman of alternatives to abortion. I suppose I can live with that, if I must. If we have to go down this road, I’d rather the proposed revision instead require an obstetric ultrasound be made available to the woman and that she be informed that it is available if she wants to view it.
My own views on abortion are that it is a deeply personal decision which may or may not be right in any given situation, depending upon the individual and her particular circumstances. I do resent and am insulted by the state (via a legislature comprised primarily of men, some of whom are not even fathers) attempting to legislate that decision for me.

I am pro-life and am strongly against the use of abortion as a means of birth control, but I am so very uncomfortable with the SC bill. What if the woman is having an abortion for medical reasons? Is she still forced to see the ultrasound? Way to make a traumatic experience much, much worse.
There have to be better ways to reduce the number of abortions in our country without resorting to harsh tactics such as this. How much money has SC put into sex education programs (note: abstinence-only programs don’t count, since they don’t work) or providing low-cost birth control?

I hate to be heartless, but if a woman is having an abortion in the first place, that’s probably a good indication she DOES NOT WANT or CANNOT raise a child (for whatever reason). If abortion is used for birth control, that is pretty terrible, but do you really think that person would make a good mother anyway? Why make it harder to obtain one? Quoting stats from above, that’s 1.5 million abortions for would-be mothers who may resent the child or not be able to take care of them.
Speaking of the other stats, so the majority of abortions are performed on middle class women before the age of 25. Makes sense to me. If I got knocked up at 22, just out of college, no husband, and my first real job that probably paid $22K a year (in NY no less), I def would have had an abortion. To not have one would have been choosing a very long hard road and/ or consigning myself to poverty. This isn’t to dis the women who did choose this road, but all of them I know who made this choice struggled mightily.
Every woman I’ve known who’s ever had an abortion, the decision was agonizing. I guess I didn’t have the friends who were the free-lovin’, band-aid peelin’ abortion-lovers.
(And this comes from a dyed-in-the-wool liberal democrat who’s never had an abortion — which is a miracle considering how many risks she took)

I am curious how many who have commented on this site that are all in favor of the ultra sound law have adopted children? How many of you, who whould have a woman who has already made the decision that she is not ready emotionally,mentally financially (who cares what the statistics say her income is? what are her bills?) to have a child go through a proceedure designed to manipulate her into changing her mind, actually change her mind and carry that child to term… how many of you would take that child in once it’s born and give it the life that this mother has already responsibly decided that she can’t? I work with these children whose mothers couldn’t give them that life yet had them anyway. kids with 7 and 8 siblings, often left alone. Kids who cry that they want to kill themselves at age 5. Kids with mental health diagnosis that exclude them from some of the basic joys of life and with no resources to treat them. Moms at their wits end with no help… where are all those concerned people now?? I wish I were making this up, but that’s what happens to unwanted kids who grow up in homes where the parents can’t care for them properly.
So again, if you feel so strongly that a woman who knows she can’t do it should be manipulated to carry a baby to term, have you adopted or are you willing to adopt her child and give it the home it needs to thrive? Preganancy may be a privlege but so is motherhood and there are millions of little ones who need caring homes, born to mothers intimidated into carrying them to term.
So, find a pregnant woman about to have an abortion and go with her to her ulrasound. When she sees that baby and her heart breaks even more becasue she can’t support it, or handle having it, and now she feels even more torn up, don’t judge her for “playing patty cake”, put your money where your mouth is if you are really so concerned for that child. Tell her that if she carrys the baby, you will adopt it.
If you can’t or are unwilling to do so, then maybe you should mind your own business.
The Lord says “Judge not lest Ye be Judged and Whatsoever Ye do to the Least of my People, that you do unto Me..”
CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN.. Frankie

I’ll weigh in one last time on this issue. (BTW, great topic Alice). All this debate boils down to this. The decision to end a pregnancy is a deeply personal and individual choice. This should remain a choice that women have. Any debate should be carried on between the woman, herself, and perhaps her doctor. The contents of a woman’s uterus should not be governed by law. But, think long and hard women. How you use this law can have far-reaching implications for yourself and other women. Abuse it, and we could all lose the right to make this choice for ourselves.

Are they going to hold the woman’s head towards the monitor and tape their eyes open as well? WTF? Why don’t they take all the money the ultrasounds would cost, and put it towards free prenatal care for women who WANT to have children, and have no health insurance? PEOPLE ARE STUPID!

I wonder if people who are saying it’s a good idea to look at the fetus before it’s aborted also think it’s a good idea for you to meet a pig and be present for the slaughter before every bologna sandwich they eat. Ending life is a part of nature most people look away from. We’re all guilty of looking away in order to cope. It doesn’t mean we don’t understand what is happening. This law assumes women don’t understand there is a fetus in their uterus. It underminds their intelligence and their decision.

I cannot believe SC legislature. What a horrendous requirement. That would be along the lines of requiring a transplant recipient to view the dead body from which the organ came. I haev been to the clinic and decided to keep my child of my own accord, w/o viewing an ultrasound. Trust me, when you are considering that alternative you have no doubt as to what is growing inside you. Why are lawmakers constantly trying to force their ideals onto womens rights?
Side note- offering health care for illegal infants. I would never deny a suffering or sick child a right to health care based on nationality. But having said that- WTF. Citizens of the USA have a hard enough time securing medical care for their children- why should we support/ encourage illegals to bring/have their children here? There has to be something that can be done, or is it just possible that we have already waited too long and now the problem is chronic vs. accute?

I did not negate that children born in the US are citizens. I simply questioned why we should encourage illegals to bring their already born infants or try to have their children here by ensuring health care when we cannot even provide it for the pre-existing citizens of the US. Re read my comment if you don’t believe me.

THEODORA – I love you.
If they didn’t have a clue what was going on inside their bodies, why would they be seeking an abortion? Is that a new STD cure? Last time I checked, there was only one reason for an abortion…
I agree with the “jellybean” versus the fingers, toes, and a beating heart. At best, it looks like a chicken embryo, or lizard. Fingers and toes were never on any of my earlest ultrasounds, or any of those I have seen from friends and family. I think the mandatory ultrasound isn’t educational or aimed at the welfare of the soon-to-be-child. It’s more along the lines of, “Pack your bags, we’re going on a guilt-trip!”

I think the forced ultrasounds should go hand in hand with forced looking at pictures of what smoking does whenever a package of cigarettes is purchased; or what obesity does whenever you purchase fast food burgers; or aging does whenever someone has a birthday. Because really, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? If we’re going to force things on people’s personal choices, lets really go all out.
/sarcasm off.