Carl Alasko: Lack of gratitude is a curse

Dear Dr. Alasko: We have relatives who used to make high salaries but now complain because they'll only be able to take one trip to their condo in Hawaii, etc. Whenever they visit they grumble about everybody and everything. Their young adult children are totally self-centered, unpleasant people. My partner and I wonder what we can do to help them wake up and be thankful for what they still have?

Dear Reader: Perhaps your ungrateful relatives are providing a lesson about how not to live. Namely, living without gratitude predicts a constant state of unhappiness.

One of my early professors said, "If you can't look forward to something as simple as lunch, then your world view is skewed and almost nothing will matter."

In other words, appreciation of simple things is the core of happiness. An Italian proverb says, "He who is content, is happy." The word "content" means satisfied, pleased. What I have is enough right now. There's no need to strive for more.

The constant criticism about how things are not OK darkens everything.

Another take is the "half-full/half-empty" syndrome. Your relatives are seeing everything in the "less-than-half-full" perspective. It's really sad and unfortunate.

I recall a couple who focused their energy on brilliant success and perfection. His philosophy was based on "abundance." Having enough was insufficient. The result was a fierce drive to super-succeed in everything, which created tremendous stress. When I suggested a less competitive, less driven life-style, he bridled with distaste.

There are serious negative consequences for a constant need for perfection and abundance. The most distressing is an ongoing anxiety about the present moment. Right now is not good enough. I consider that a terrible way to live.

There's a condition that's parallel to the philosophy of abundance: entitlement. Synonyms are privilege, prerogative and right. "I have a right to expect things to be my way." Whenever you set yourself up to believe that you have the right to just about anything, that you don't have to earn it and be grateful for every step along the way, unhappiness in inevitable.

Digressing to the big picture, our American government is based on certain inalienable rights. And yet a constant effort is required to maintain those rights. In other words, they're inalienable only insofar as they're cared for. Their absolute quality is conditional upon circumstances. So they're not quite absolute, then.

The same with entitlement. Are we all entitled to not starve? Or entitled to happiness? These are new concepts in human civilization. The questions go on and on. The answers tend to be conditional.

Back to your relatives. I receive many letters about troublesome relatives, parents, siblings, children. The bottom line is fairly constant. Namely, you can exert a certain amount of effort to influence the people around you, but, ultimately, you have an inalienable right to decide who enters your home.

Since these relatives feel no need to contribute positively to your time together, why do you see them at all? Or would it be just too uncomfortable to avoid them? You do have a choice.

Carl Alasko, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is the author of "Emotional BS" and "Beyond Blame." For information about his books, see: carlalasko.com. Contact him at dralasko@gmail.com.