Monday, October 5, 2009

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, October 2nd, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

I know why you’re happy tonight. Because, you know what, after all these months of seeing these tea-baggers hold up signs of Obama with the Hitler moustache painted on, we have proof now that Obama isn’t Hitler. Cause when Hitler tried to get the Olympics, he got it.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

Let’s be big about it. Congratulations to the citizens of Rio de Janeiro. They spent all day today partying, doing the samba in the streets with the breasts hanging out. And then they heard about the Olympics and they were even more thrilled.

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue

You can’t blame the progressives for being mad at the Democrats. I mean, they seem to always start with the compromise. If they were writing the Hippocratic Oath, they would start with, “First, OK, do a little harm.”

- Bill Maher

There are, at least half of America, who thinks the world was created by a man in a cloud in six days, who then needed to rest. I love that. He’s so powerful he can create the universe, but then he’s pooped.

- Bill Maher

One of the main principals of Darwinian Theory is plenty of variations for natural selection to work on. And there’s sure enough, there are plenty of variations in brain power. All the way from Einstein on the one hand, to Sarah Palin on the other.

- Richard Dawkins

Eighteen percent of the British people think it takes one month for the earth to orbit the sun … And twenty-eight percent of the British people think humans walked with the dinosaurs. Twenty-eight percent of the British people get their science from “The Flintstones.”

- Richard Dawkins

New Rule: Froot Loops are not a health food. Some of the big food companies have started giving their products “Smart Choice” check marks so shoppers will know they’re “healthful.” You know, like a creep in the park will carry a puppy, so kids will know he’s “friendly.” Healthful? Froot Loops? When I saw this, I threw a tantrum in the cereal aisle.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Shut up, grandpa. This week ancient pop singer Andy Williams announced that he thinks Obama is a “Marxist” who “wants the country to fail.” And then he made Moon River in his diapers. Actually, it’s not shocking that Andy Williams says Obama is a communist. It’s shocking Andy Williams is alive. He doesn’t do shows, he has viewings.