Gathering of the elves: Cultural icons get together for a holiday interview

In anticipation of Christmas, Inland 360 met with a group of popular elves to check in on their holiday plans and find out what they’re hoping to get from Santa this Christmas.

Inland 360: Ok, it looks like everyone is here, except we don’t have anyone from Santa’s workshop with us today. I requested an interview, and the publicist said their demanding work schedule would keep them from attending but we could call in. Here, let me get that going…

Ernie Keebler

Ernie Keebler: I brought cookies.

360: Of course you did. Go ahead and pass those around while we get one of Santa’s elves on the line. So Ernie, is this your favorite way to spread holiday cheer?

Keebler: Is there any other way to do it? Of course it is! Cookies bring cheer no matter the season. Here, have some more.

360: Now, how exactly do you make all of these in that tree of yours? It seems like the interior of a hollow tree wouldn’t be an ideal place to bake.

Keebler: It is for elves. It’s cozy and cheerful. We make cookies using elven magic, which is a term we use to avoid talking about proprietary information that we’re not at liberty to discuss.

360: I see. We’ve got Hermey on the line now. Hi Hermey, thanks for taking time to join us today. How are things at the North Pole today?

Hermey the Elf

Hermey: Well, let me tell you, it’s slow around the dental office these days. You’d think with all the sugar these elves stuff in their faces that they’d be lining up at my door but no, they’re all working overtime getting things ready for Christmas.

360: You’ve left conventional elf work at the North Pole to pursue a dental career. Do you work in Santa’s workshop when it gets busy?

Hermey: I do. I oversee a special line of toys that no one wants, which are surprisingly popular. Most of us give or receive something from this line every year. It’s a side job. My true passion is pulling rotten teeth.

360: We’ll let you get back to it. (Ends phone call.) How about the rest of you — are you staying busy this holiday season? Elf on the Shelf?

Elf on the Shelf

Elf on the Shelf: This is really the only season I work, but yeah, lots going on.

Keebler: You must be tired. Have another cookie.

360: How often do you have to check in with Santa?

Elf on the Shelf: Oh. No, I don’t work for Santa. I can’t disclose who I work, for but the name is remarkably similar. I’m sent to torment parents.

360: Torment? But you’re cute, you’re fun, the kids love you.

Elf on the Shelf: Yeah, that’s how I do it. Kids love me. They go crazy for the whole idea. So the parents have to keep me around even though I drain their energy and add extra expectations to an already demanding holiday season. Makes them miserable. It’s perfect, really.

360: Hmm, well I know some parents that have fun with you too.

Elf on the Shelf: Eh, they’re lying. That or they’ve got way too much holiday spirit for anyone’s good. Some people are harder to torment than others.

Legolas

Legolas: I do not wish to share a table with someone of such foolish nature. I have fought many battles and slain many orcs to defend against the torment of one kind over another.

360: Oh. I thought you weren’t sitting with us because we’re at a children’s table and you’re are so tall.

Legolas: That as well. The elves of my land are quite tall.

(Door opens. Dwarf walks in, looks around.)

Grumpy the Dwarf: Uh…this isn’t right. Do any of you know where the Dwarf Christmas Convention is? The dimwit at the front desk sent me here when I asked.

360: Check at the end of the hall.

Keebler: But first, do you want a cookie? (Grumpy glares, leaves.)

Legolas: Alas, humans in this realm possess such ignorance of those different from you. It is a lesson I have learned myself, for in Middle Earth I have walked with men, dwarves, hobbits and wizards whom I now call friends. I have hope your ways will change, as mine did.

360: Good thing you’re not easily offended. Anyhow, Legolas, how are are your Christmas preparations going?

Legolas: Elves in Middle Earth do not have midwinter celebrations, but many men and hobbits do. I have been to a Yule feast in the Shire and have seen with my own elvish eyes how much food and drink the hobbits consume. It would feed me for the whole of winter.

360: Oh, so you don’t do anything to help with the holiday season? I thought all elves celebrated Christmas?

Legolas: No, but if you ever need an archer to come your aid, you have my bow!

360: Well, anyway. One more question before we wrap this up: what are each of you hoping to get for Christmas this year?

Keebler: More people who will eat my cookies.

Legolas: That the people of your world would join together to defeat the darkness as the peoples of my world once did.