BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:TONIGHT Justin Timberlake & Christina Aguilera kick off their “Justified & Stripped” tour in Phoenix (hide your daughters AND your sons!) . . . Meantime, the Rolling Stones begin their European tour in Munich, Germany (hide your grandma) . . . More SARS victims – The Dixie Chicks have postponed their sold-out JUNE 12 Toronto concert until AUGUST 6, and it’s been announced the Toronto stage production of “The Lion King” will close at the end of SEPTEMBER . . . . Jennifer Aniston says that after hubby Brad Pitt finishes filming the movie “Troy”, they’ll take a year off to concentrate on starting a family (work work work) . . . At the moment Pitt is reportedly in serious talks to design a hotel or bar for his multimillionaire pal Rande Gerber – husband of supermodel Cindy Crawford . . . A West Coast version of the hit Broadway musical “The Producers” starring “Seinfeld’s” Jason Alexander & comedian Martin Short is tanking in Los Angeles after opening to scorching reviews . . . Popster Kylie Minogue’s current $1.3 million recording contract with EMI is about to jump to $58 million over 5 years (hope she doesn’t work her famous butt off) . . . Word is Eminem has been offered $2.5 million per episode to appear in a half-hour HBO show about a filthy rich rap star from the wrong side of the tracks (will they call it “The Eminem Show”?) . . . Kelly Osbourne is moving out of “The Osbournes” family home in LA later THIS MONTH after buying her own $1.2-million Spanish-style hacienda (what every 18-year-old does) . . . Tom Cruise & Penelope Cruz have reportedly only spent a few days together in the past 5 months as work commitments are keeping them apart (“National Enquirer” says they’re ‘one headline away form announcing their split’) . . . After meeting at a party, Michael Jackson & P Diddy have agreed to go into a studio to lay down some tracks later THIS MONTH (thanks for the warning) . . . And the limelight’s illuminating some details of 24-year-old “American Idol” runner-up Clay Aitken’s life – seems he legally changed his last name from Grissom (his estranged biological father’s name) to his mother’s maiden name just 4 years ago.

BS BUZZWORDS:• ‘PICNIC’ – Standing for ‘Problem In Chair, Not In Computer’, it’s techie-speak for user error. (“Don’t bother breaking down that work station in accounting, it’s a PICNIC.”)
• ‘Oldbies’ – People who were Internet ‘newbies’ just a few years ago, derided by geeks as they struggled to find their way through cyberspace. Today they’re said to be the driving consumer force on the Internet.
• ‘Googlewhacking’ – A game invented by fans of the Internet search engine Google. The object is to enter 2 words into the Google search line with the hope of getting a single result. If it comes up ‘Results 1-1 of 1′ you’re a winner – you’ve scored a ‘Googlewhack’! Complete rules are available here …
NET: http://www.unblinking.com/heh/googlewhack.htm

THIS INVENTION SUCKS:A UK dairy farmer says production on his farm has shot up by 20% since he installed a new hi-tech machine that allows cows – to milk themselves. Tim Gibson of North Yorkshire says the robotic machine cleans cow’s udders and latches on suction cups using a computer guidance system. (On the back of the machine there’s a warning label – ‘Do NOT Enter Barn Naked’.)

IS HELL ‘DOWN UNDER’?Australian broadcaster & author Kel Richards has just completed “The Aussie Bible (Well, Bits of It Anyway)”, a collection of New Testament stories retold in Australian-English, often referred to as ‘Strain’. In this version the three wise men become ‘the three eggheads from out east’, the ‘Good Samaritan’ is attacked by ‘a bunch of bushrangers’, and ‘Australian Jesus’ says those who build their houses on sand are ‘boofheads’.

IT’S HARD TO REMEMBER THINGS WHEN YOU’RE DEAD:A newly-released study from London’s University College shows that cigarette smoking may speed up age-related memory loss among smokers who continue the habit through middle age. Researchers found that, from their 40s to their 50s, smokers showed a faster decline in word memory tests than non-smokers. The relationship between smoking and memory loss appears strongest in people who smoke more than 20 coffin nails a day. (In other news, smoking speeds up memory loss in middle age.)

IT’S A WHACK WORLD:• Police are guarding cemeteries in Paraguay’s capital city of Asuncion after it was discovered that teeth stolen from corpses were being sold as – new dentures. Dentists were buying the teeth thinking they were laboratory-made and fitting them to patients’ mouths. (Excuse me a sec, I just gotta get some mouthwash.)
• The newly-formed Portuguese Association of Friends of the Siesta is lobbying to protect one of the country’s most revered traditions – the after-lunch nap. It seems the siesta is being threatened by the rapid pace of modern life. The group says it’s not a vice of deadbeats, but a key ingredient to a healthy lifestyle. (I can relate – I’m a ‘Napster’ myself.)
• Unmarried couples in the Malaysian city of Ipoh are being fined $7.90 for – holding hands. It’s been banned in public as part of a drive to keep the city ‘morally clean’. (There’s also no talking at drinking fountains and absolutely no running in the halls!)
• Indians are flocking to try a new trend – getting high on scorpion stings. Roadside stalls in the Bharuch district offer marks the exciting opportunity of having their palms stung by scorpions kept in aluminum cans for just $4 a shot. The momentary pain reportedly gives way to a ‘feeling of floating’. (Just before you see a white light at the end of a tunnel.)
• The city-state of Singapore is planning to use a 5-star system to rate – public toilets. As part of a new campaign called ‘Happy Toilet’, auditors will rate washrooms on cleanliness, layout and ergonomics. Star ratings will soon appear on signs outside Singapore’s 70,000 public restrooms. (We have a sign outside the station men’s room. No stars, just a radiation warning symbol.)
• It took 60 German police an hour-and-a-half to break up a brawl in Berlin at a – family barbecue. During the melee, 2 women battered another with folding chairs, one man had his leg broken, and another was repeatedly stabbed in the butt with a grilling skewer. (Now he knows how the chicken felt.)

BS SHOCKING FACTS:• The Royal Canadian Golf Association estimates that 25 to 30% of Canadian golfers are left-handed, believed to be the highest rate in the world. That number drops to between 5 and 15% in the US.
• 30% of teens polled by “Seventeen” magazine thought that AIDS can be prevented through the use of – birth control pills.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .TODAY is “Old Maid’s Day”, a truly outdated observance initiated back in 1948 for unmarried women over age 35. Nowadays 35 is when a woman begins thinking about having kids (and when a man begins thinking about DATING them).

TODAY through Sunday the Canadian show jumping championship, “The National”, hops to it at Spruce Meadows near Calgary.
PHONER: 403-974-4200
NET: http://www.sprucemeadows.com

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .1070 [933] 1st ‘Roquefort cheese’ made from ewes’ milk and ripened in a cave (the only way to get that distinctive damp goat-hair flavor)

1800 [203] 1st US President to occupy White House moves in (John Adams)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:• Aries – It’s unclear exactly what your problem is, but it’s likely hard to pronounce.
• Taurus – You will find yourself in a huge handbasket and at the end of the day it will be getting much warmer.
• Gemini – That applause that you hear is all for you. Better check your shoe for bathroom tissue.
• Cancer – Remember that every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
• Leo – Today’s a good day to shop naked. To avoid jail time, make sure it’s online.
• Virgo – You are desperate to be the center of attention. Try adopting a haunted expression and carrying a large ball of aluminum foil.
• Libra – We’re not saying you’re getting old, but time is money and you’re in danger of overspending.
• Scorpio – Again today, you’ll look about you and wonder … what am I, flypaper for freaks?
• Sagittarius – When you look in the mirror today, tell yourself you are destined to nobly wear the robes of power … even if it’s just your terrycloth kimono.
• Capricorn – Who cares if you lost that winning lottery ticket? Good luck is fickle, but knowledge and skills last a lifetime. Just like your tedious job is gonna have to.
• Aquarius – You’ll have to try a lot harder if you want others to believe that you’re sincere. When napping at your desk, attempt not to drool.
• Pisces – Be proud! You started out with nothing … and you still have most of it left!

BS WEB GOODIE:‘Yoda’ from “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones”, has picked up the “MTV Movie Award” for ‘Best Fight Scene’ (airing TOMORROW night). The online ‘Yoda Translator’ promises to change any sentence you enter into a form designed to ‘capture the essence and not the meaning of your query’. For instance, ‘What a lame waste of Internet technology!’ translates to – ‘A technology of lame what waste Internet’. Useful, huh?
NET: http://www.super-fraggle.co.uk/old/ask/

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:Today’s Question: More than two-thirds of teenagers do THIS at least once a week.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Hang out at the mall.