Weeping Floosy

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom.

Ok, actually, let me address what you’re thinking right off the bat: This is not a story about a woman with loose morals. Well, I mean, people in the kingdom *thought* she was a floosy and called her a floosy because she would wear skirts that came up to her mid-calf. She also wore off-the-shoulder dresses on occasion. However, she was NOT a floosy in the modern sense of the term, only according to the people who lived in, like, the 1500s, when this story takes place. It’s not even a major plot point. But all things considered, she was a pioneer of fashion.

ANYWAY.

There was a kingdom. In this kingdom lived a king and queen who had always wanted to have a daughter. In fact, the king and queen had 12 sons who fought over the throne tirelessly. All they wanted was one daughter who would be born knowing she had no chance of being a ruler because of existing gender roles—then they would have a child who would actually love them and not just sit there waiting for them to die already.

And, after many years of raising and rearing selfish sons, the king and queen finally had a daughter and named her Gomorrah.

Come to think of it, her unfortunate name might be why her friends called her a floosy.

In this kingdom, there were also magical beings—fairies to be exact. Some were good fairies (like, as in, they were nice people and probably would help you if your car broke down on the side of the road). Some were bad fairies (like, as in, they were pretty rude and would probably be those jerks who don’t even move over a lane if your car broke down on the side of the road).

There were three good fairies: Flowers, Mammals, and Rainyweather, who took care of Gomorrah while her parents were wrangling her dozen brothers.

There was a bad fairy: Malevolent, who probably would’ve led a better life if her parents had named her differently. Parents choosing terrible names for their children was a pattern in this kingdom.

For Gomorrah’s first birthday, all of the fairies were required to give her a gift and to present the gift using a poem.

Flowers and Mammals recited their poems, giving Gomorrah the gifts of beauty and incredible fashion, respectively.

Malevolent then decided to give her gift because she was really pushy and cut in line in front of Rainyweather.

Malevolent chanted,

Little floosy with beauty fair,

Incredible fashion and flawless hair,

When you reach the age of sixteen,

More than your drivers license will you receive,

On your sixteenth revolution around the sun,

Into a sewing machine will you run,

And you will prick your pinky finger,

On this first edition of a Singer,

You’ll weep and cry for the rest of your life,

Without consolation and you’ll live in strife!

Well, this was unfortunate indeed. Also, a really crappy gift. And this wasn’t even just one of those super dumb White Elephant gift exchanges!

But, Rainyweather decided that, while she could not reverse this terrible curse, she could change her gift to provide the antidote (even though she had planned on giving Gomorrah the paperwork she needed to legally change her name when she was of age. Alas, alack, desperate times call for desperate fairies).

Rainyweather passive aggressively responded to Malevolent:

Gomorrah may prick her finger,

But she’ll stop weeping when she is kissed by her true love.

Rainyweather was terrible at improvisational rhyming.

After the party, the king and queen requested that the three good fairies take Gomorrah deep into the forest, far from any sewing machines, until her seventeenth birthday.

And so they did. And Gomorrah grew into a beautiful, fashionable girl. The fairies gave her a new name to hide her identity and so that the woodland creatures in the forest wouldn’t make fun of her relentlessly. They called her Diamond Rose which, altogether, did not cause any less insinuation about her behavior than the name Gomorrah had.

When Diamond Rose was sixteen, she was in the forest with many of her woodland creature friends when she heard a man galloping through with a horse. Actually, the horse was galloping through with a man?…. Whatever, you get the picture.

He was singing to himself, which is pretty attractive anyway if a guy has a good voice. But when she saw him, she KNEW he was the man she would marry.

(Sixteen year olds, amiright?)

Diamond Rose began to sing along with the man (whose name was Fillmore).

When Fillmore heard her beautiful voice and also how great she was at singing harmonies, he KNEW she was the woman he would marry.

They danced together through the woods all afternoon.

Fillmore looked at Diamond Rose and said, “Diamond Rose, even though my mom will probably question your morals due to your unfortunate name, I want to marry you. Can I come to your cottage tonight for dinner to meet your three aunts?”

“Of course!” Diamond Rose responded, “They’ll love you surely as much as I do!”

The two parted ways and, when Diamond Rose got home, the three good fairies jumped out from behind random pieces of furniture around the room and yelled,

“SURPRISE!!!”

It was Diamond Rose’s seventeenth birthday the next day! She had forgotten!

At that moment, Flowers began to explain to Diamond Rose that she was actually a princess. She told her all about the curse and how they would traverse back to the kingdom that very night to meet Diamond Rose’s parents and twelve brothers!

Diamond Rose was visibly upset. She explained to Flowers, Mammals, and Rainyweather all about how she had met her future husband in the forest.

But Diamond Rose was already betrothed. And sixteen year-old girls always think their crushes are their future husbands.

Diamond Rose almost cried, but then she remembered she was a princess and had parents after all, so crying would’ve been stupid. That night, she followed the fairies back to the kingdom.

Meanwhile, Malevolent was waiting outside of the castle, dressed as a beggar woman. She sat outside the castle every day for seventeen years in disguise, awaiting Gomorrah’s return (she had figured out the king and queen’s plan to hide Gomorrah on like, the third day. When the only princess in the entire kingdom goes missing, you kind of catch on after a while).

When the fairies and Diamond Rose returned, Malevolent saw and slipped in after them. The palace guards were actually terrible and didn’t take Malevolent’s threats seriously.

Malevolent began to sing the very song that Fillmore had been singing that afternoon in the forest and, when Diamond Rose heard it echoing through the castle, she thought to herself,

“Well, this is a coincidence! I must follow the voice of that music because coincidences are cool.”

Diamond Rose followed the singing into a small sewing room. In the middle of the room was a Singer sewing machine and Diamond Rose had always wanted to learn how to sew!

She began to work at the machine when the thread got all messed up on the needle. She removed the needle and, in the process, pricked her pinky finger!

OH CRAP.

Without warning, Diamond Rose began to uncontrollably sob! She couldn’t stop. She was weeping, in fact.

The fairies followed the sound of Diamond Rose’s wailing to find that it was too late! I mean, they knew it was too late because they had heard her wailing, but they had still hoped.

Diamond Rose was locked in a room in the basement, which was mopped up daily as puddles of her tears flooded the floor.

The king and queen did not know what to do. They knew they must find Diamond Rose’s true love, but knew nothing of Fillmore.

They sent for Diamond Rose’s betrothed, just so it didn’t look like they were sitting idly by, doing nothing.

Her betrothed arrived. He ran down to the basement and, when he saw Diamond Rose, shuddered in disbelief. Not only was this girl a remarkably ugly crier, but she was also the girl he had seen in the forest that very afternoon!

Yes! It was Fillmore!

Fillmore went up to Diamond Rose and, after asking her to please wipe the snot off her face, he kissed her.

And she stopped crying, immediately!

It was a miracle.

Or a coincidence.

Either way, it was cool.

And so, Fillmore and Diamond Rose were married the next day. The two lived happily ever after in Fillmore’s kingdom and Diamond Rose never cried again.

Well, except for that one time someone finally broke the news to her that her real name was Gomorrah.