Call Me Tony

A born loser from Wollongong steals Pharlap's Heart from the Canberra Museum during Melbourne Cup week and the Federal elections holding Australia to ransom in more ways than one!

THE SCREEN IS BLACK AND WE HEAR THE HYSTERICAL NEIGHING OF HORSES.

FADE IN:

EXT. MOUNT STROMLOW OBSERVATORY CANBERRA- NIGHT

An astronomer is looking through the mighty telescope. He sees the PEGASUS star constellation and the horse like constellation turns upside down and rolls around.

ASTRONOMER
Impossible! It shouldn’t even be visible in Australia. It is a Northern Hemisphere system.
(Beat)
Could the Messiah be about to be born?

EXT. PORT KRMBLA STEELWORKS - DAY

A wide panoramic view of the steelworks.

EXT. A HORSE PADDOCK ADJACENT TO THE STEELWORKS - DAY

Horses are grazing and cantering. They all stop and bare their backsides to the camera.

EXT. OLD FIBRO HOME SITUATED NEXT TO STEELWORKS - MORNING

A 12 year old TONY MCDONKEY is staring out of his bedroom window towards the horse paddock. He waves at them.

SFX: They wave back to him.

TONY
Cool cat city!

ON SCREEN: THE FOLLOWING SERIES OF CAPTIONS.

AustraliaisthefinestcountryintheworldandthefinestcityisWollongong.

Somesay,“CallmePrimeMinister.”

Some say, “Call me later.” Some say, “Call me tomorrow” THE BEST SAY

“CallmeTony”

INTRODUCTORYCREDITSROLLTOTHESONG“Iamtherealthing.”ByRussellMorris.

ON SCREEN: And Wollongong is as Aussie as the best of them. It does things that all Aussies do.

MONTAGE:

Playing Pokies

Watching football

Surfing

Playing cricket

Pub drinking

Picnics

Pub brawl

Driving of Ute’s and Taxi’s

Catching the bus

INT. MCDONKEY HOME - MORNING

TONY is being dressed for his first day at school. He looks at his breakfast and grimaces. He looks at his suitcase that has Tony McDonkey written in fluorescent orange and he smiles. His mother is adjusting his tie.

MUM
I wish was going to school again. You are going to have a great time dear. Making new friends, Tony McDonkey is going to show them how well he can read comics.
(MORE)

MUM (CONT'D)
Hurry up and finish your breakfast or you will miss the bus. I must take a photo of you.

TONY
I hate fish.

He tries to eat it and gags and then spews it up all over his mother.

MUM
Eat your fish you bastard!

TONY
I can’t I’m Piscean.

EXT. FRONT GARDEN OF MCDONKEY HOME - MORNING

His mum takes a photo of him. He is well dressed and smiling proudly.

MUM
Don’t be silly. Ever since you were born you have been scared of fish. I don’t know what is wrong with you. I’ll have to take you along to the psycho if you don’t stop being so strange.

Suddenly a rain storm hits and TONY is drenched. He looks to his mum.

MUM (CONT’D)
Off you go to the bus now. Use your umbrella. Water makes you tough.
Wollongong boys are Australia’s best.

TONY walks past trucks and coal towards the bus stop.

TONY
(Resigned) Yeah great.

EXT. BUS STOP SPRINGHILL ROAD NEXT TO STEELWORKS - MORNING

Chuck Berry’s “School days” plays.

EXT. BUS TO ST FRANCIS XAVIER SCHOOL NEAR THE BEACH - MORNING

TONY is smiling and shaking hands with all on the bus. The bus driver waves to them.

RICK (CONT’D)
Listen kid. I was born in Cringila next to the steelworks too. I worked myself up to be a bus driver and I am mighty proud of it. Lost my Dad when he was drunk and fell into the coke ovens.

TONY smiles.

TONY
I’ll show them.

RICK
How did your dad die?

TONY
Got kicked to death by a horse that was drugged not to win. Dad was the jockey Vince McDonkey.

RICK
Yeah, I remember that.

TONY
Dad was what they call drugged up too.

RICK
You stay away from that you hear me? I know your Dad was on pills to keep the weight down. You are to big to be a jockey. Maybe be a cop.

TONY
Thanks mate.

The bus roars off and TONY waves to RICK who does not see him. He hangs his head down and goes into school.

TONY (CONT’D)
Everyone hates me.

INT. SCHOOL ROOM - MORNING

Everyone is reading their Maths book and TONY is drawing pictures of horses. The NUN sees him.

NUN
Tony, what is thirty minus six plus seven?

TONY
Don’t know.

NUN
Yes you do come on now.

Six?

TONY

All the school kids laugh.

SCHOOLKIDS.
Silly Donkey!

The NUN brings out her stick and works him over.

NUN
Tony go outside and sit under the school bell for an hour and think it over.

EXT. SCHOOLBELL - AFTERNOON

TONY is sitting down and his watch revolves two hours. He has his head down and cries. A schoolgirl comes up to him and gives him a paddle pop. TONY smiles. James Taylor’s “Your’e go a friend” plays.

TONY
Call me Tony.

GIRL
Call me Michelle.

EXT. BUS STOP STEELWORKS - DAY

TONY reluctantly gets on and RICK slaps him on the shoulder.

RICK
Tony how’s it going?

Shithouse.

TONY

RICK
Best not to swear. Only mutts swear. Listen, I got an idea how to get back at all the mutts and for you to make fifty dollars to help your mum out.

How?

TONY

RICK
After I drop you off at school tomorrow pretend you are sick at ten in the morning and then go to the bustop near the beach. I will be waiting for you.

Cool.

TONY

RICK
Then we will drive the bus to the blue house next to the rock pool. You know it?

Yes.

TONY

RICK
All you have to do is knock on the door and give the man an envelope. He will then give you another envelope and six paddle pops.

Alright!

TONY

RICK
And with the money and paddle pops you can impress that little girlfriend of yours. Wear a tie too. Look cool. But above all do not go next door to the white house or even look through the window got it? There is a psycho in there.

They shake hands.

TONY
For sure! Call me Tony.

EXT. BLUE HOUSE OPPOSITE POOL - DAY

TONY hops off the bus and walks towards the house. He joyfully swings his school case around. There is a dark car parked outside with two cops in it. TONY waves to them and they wave back.

TONY
Wow! They waved back.

COP ONE
Kid looks cool wearing a tie.

COP TWO
Yeah not like the other mutts destined to go into gaol.

COP ONE
Futures good with kids like this. Could be the PM or a surgeon one day.

The cops bring out a bottle of Jack Daniels and take a long drink.

EXT. BLUE HOUSE OPPOSITE POOL - MOMENTS LATER

TONY knocks on the door three times. The door opens and a hand appears with an envelope. TONY gives his envelope to the hand and the door closes. TONY bashes it back.

TONY
Six paddle pops!

The door opens again with the paddle pops.

VOICE
Sorry mate forgot.

TONY
No worries.

The door closes. TONY cannot hide his curiosity and jumps over the fence to the white house and looks through the window. From his POV we do not see what he sees. He just yells and runs off.

EXT. RICK’S BUS - DAY

TONY gives the envelope to RICK who pockets it. TONY is shaking

RICK
I told you not to go to the white house. God knows what you saw. It might make you psycho for the rest of your life.

TONY
I’m tough. What’s in the envelope?

RICK
Money. I gamble a bit too much and the house has a bookie who gives me great odds.

The cops?

TONY

RICK
Trying to bust him. But they gamble too.

INT. SCHOOL ROOM - DAY

TONY is staring out the window when two cops arrive. He shakes. The NUN approaches him.

Tony.

NUN

TONY
Didn’t do nothing wrong just trying to help my mum.

The NUN whispers something to TONY and he falls down.

EXT. CEMETERY OVERLOOKING THE BEACH - DAY

TONY’S mum is sitting on a grave in the hot sun which reads.

“Vince McDonkey. 1980-2011 Cool Jockey who at least had a go.”

MUM
Vince, Tony is real strange. He is always talking to the horses at the paddock and is scared of fish. He carries his school case everywhere like a security blanket. He’s no good at school but has a nice girlfriend and his best mate is Rick the bus driver. Rick tries to put some sense into him. If only Glueboy didn’t kick you to death you would have won the Melbourne Cup and our lives would be so different.

She opens her handbag and takes a huge slog of Jack Daniels.

MUM (CONT’D)
I’m only drinking half a bottle a day now and laying off the smokes. Wherever you are Vince give us a hand.

All of a sudden the sun goes out and it pours rain on TONY’s Mum.

MUM (CONT’D)
Good on you Vince. You always were a loser.

She finishes the Jack Daniels bottle and throws it onto the grave.

She then stumbles along the highway back to the steel works house. A coal truck is coming towards her and a runaway horse goes across the road and the driver swerves and does not see TONY’S mum who flies thought the air.

On screen. “So poor Tony had to go to the...”

EXT. OLD SCHOOL WITH SIGN. “WE TREAT YOU REAL NICE ORPHANAGE.” - DAY

Montage of TONY at the orphanage. He has grown up to be a big boy of sixteen.

Getting beat up by NUNS and PRIESTS.

Spewing up from the muck food he gets.

On the run and being caught again.

Looking at a rope and fashioning it into a noose and then throwing it away.

TONY is sitting in the courtyard with RICK and MICHELLE.

RICK
Just tell me Tony if they hurt you know where and I’ll personally kill them.

TONY
Nah..they just work me over with the bat and fence posts.

MICHELLE
It’s been how many years now?

TONY
Six. I will be out next month.

RICK
I’ll get yo a job on the bus.

Or Maccas?

MICHELLE

TONY
I’m going to have a go at Sydney first.

RICK
Good boy. Wollongong boys always try Sydney first.

MICHELLE
And you can come back to the Gong’ on weekends.

TONY cries.

TONY
You guys are the best.

EXT. WOLLONGONG TRAIN STAION - AFTERNOON

TONY goes to Sydney and the train winds it’s way along the beautiful South coast.

EXT. PITT ST SYDNEY - AFTERNOON

TONY looks at the Hotel Cozy a beat up dump that has a long series of stairs leading up and old drunks drinking cans and hanging outside. One drunk has no left ear and the other no right arm.

TONY
Any good boys?

DRUNK
Yeah mate. Hundred a week, has a pub 3 minutes away and a fish and chip shop next door.

TONY
Good enough for me.

He shakes hands with them.

TONY (CONT’D)
Call me Tony.

ON SCREEN: “ Like most young boys who lost their mum and dad and saw God knows what at that white house in Wollongong, Tony had to see a counsellor.”

Montage of TONY on the couch and talking to the counsellor. He then leaves and she shakes her head and sits down on the couch.

EXT. COUNSELLORS OFFICE - AFTERNOON

TONY is about to open the door.

TONY
Reckon I am going great. Been thirteen visits now.

He opens the door and sees the counsellor swinging from a rope with a note. He reads it.

“Tony I cannot take your madness any more. Some people are just psycho. Try someone else.”

Far out.

TONY (CONT’D)

He walks out with his head down even lower in defeat.

EXT. PITT ST SYDNEY - AFTERNOON

TONY is walking with his head down. He stops outside a pet shop with a sign, “Position vacant.” He walks in.

MAN
All you have to do is deliver Seahorse's to offices. They go in the aquarium and make everyone relax. It’s the next big thing in the new age movement.

TONY
Cool. Call me Tony.

MAN
Here is your first address.

TONY reads it.

TONY
Know it well. Have to go there tomorrow anyway.

EXT. PITT ST SYDNEY - AFTERNOON

THE MIXTURES “The push bike song.” Plays. A short stout Teutonic like man is riding an ancient Penny Farthing bicycle along and holding up traffic. He parks it next to a stand and walks into a building.

INT. OFFICE FOYER - MOMENTS LATER

The man glances at the tenants board. “DR VON CAVALRY PSYCHIARTRIST to all psychos Level 23.”

The man looks at a lift and shakes. He then opens the fire door and climbs the stairs.

INT. DR VON CAVALRY’S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

The man arrives bathed in sweat. There are many pictures of fish on the walls. He looks at the Secretary.

MAN
One hour and four minutes. Getting quicker.

The MAN enters the Dr’s office.

INT. OFFICE FOYER - AFTERNOON

TONY has his school case and enters the lift.

TONY
Another psycho telling me what to do.

INT. DR VON CAVALRY’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

TONY approaches the Secretary.

Yes?

SECRETARY

TONY
I am from the pet shop. I have the Dr’s new Seahorses.

SECRETARY
Just leave them here and I will write a cheque out for you. You won’t cash it and go to the casino or pub will you?

No missus.

TONY

SECRETARY
Miss Dupree to you.

TONY opens his school case and the bag holding the Seahorses breaks and they hop all over the floor.

Mongrels!

TONY

They try to rescue them but squash them. One hides under a desk.

TONY (CONT’D)
At least we got one.

TONY squashes it also. The secretary looks at his badge.

SECRETARY
You are Tony McDonkey!

TONY
Wow you know me?

SECRETARY
You have a four PM appointment with the Dr.

TONY
What about this?

SECRETARY
Don’t worry. I’ll clean it up and tell him they are special Seahorses coming from Hamilton island.

INT. DR VON CAVALRY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He has his feet up reading the race form. He writes a few numbers down, puts them in an envelope with some money and opens the door.

VON CAVALRY
Miss Dupree an urgent prescription.

MISS DUPREE
On my way.

The Dr motions to TONY.

VON CAVALRY
Please come in son.

TONY enters and sees the fish pictures and starts to yell.

VON CAVALRY (CONT’D)
Don’t worry. My house is your house as they say. Sit down my chair and I’ll lie on the couch and you can tell me all about things.

Far out.

TONY

TONY gives him the referral letter the Dr glances at it and throws it away.

VON CAVALRY
All rubbish. The fish on the wall is my pal Fred. Wouldn’t hurt a thing.

MONTAGE of TONY talking to the good DR.

VON CAVALRY (CONT’D)
Do you masturbate?

TONY
In short no.

VON CAVALRY
In long or short pants or naked?

TONY
Your’e psycho.

VON CAVALRY
Just practicing some Freud on you and it obviously does not work.
Anyway I am a Jungian and beleive a bit of sex is good.

TONY
What’s wrong with me? Everyone hates me. I stuff everything up and dream of horses.

VON CAVALRY
Ever been hit hard?

TONY
Just the standard school and pub punch ups. Anyway I am brave. Hate hurting fish as I am Piscean. Got a job working with fish.

VON CAVALRY
Pisceans the worst of the lot. Drunkards, druggos, womanizers, gamblers and interested in unusual activists. I once had a similar case. It is in my collected papers downstairs. I will go and get them and in the meantime I recommend you neigh like a horse and walks on all fours till I get back.

Righto.

TONY

INT. OFFICE FOYER -AFTERNOON

VON CAVALRY runs down the stairs.

INT. VON CAVALRY OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Patients arrive and see TONY neighing like a horse and on all fours.

PATIENT
Told you psychiatrists are all psychos.

They run off toward the lift as VON CAVALRY opens the fire door bathed on sweat and walks to his office.

VON CAVALRY
Freud described it in his famous little Hans case.

TONY
He had a suitcase too?

VON CAVALRY
Not as such. Hans was a boy who liked to blind horses. However,in your case I say this. Wave to everyone. Lead with the chest. Be brave. Make people pay attention to you. I want you to take a quick holiday and think things out. Come back to me and then tell all! You will be a different boy!
(Beat)
I call it Dr Adolf Von Cavalry’s guaranteed seven day cure.

TONY goes to the Bar and buys a bottle of Jack Daniels and puts it into his school case. He approaches the bus and it is full of old dudes.

TONY (CONT’D)
Old rockers!

The bus drives off.

MAN ON BUS
Hey Son how come you are on the bus? We are all RSL members going in another boring trip.

TONY
That’s cool mate. I am just going away to think my life out a bit.

MAN ON BUS
Good on you son. You don’t want to end up inside do you?

No way.

TONY

The bus makes it’s way to Canberra and TONY swigs from the bottle of Jack Daniels. He offers it to the man who smiles and brings out his own bottle.

EXT. CANBERRA - DAY

TONY gets off the bus and holds on to the door.

DRIVER
Bit young son to be holding on.

TONY
Just hammered on JD mate.

TONY stumbles off.

DRIVER
Remember to be back by six!

TONY waves to people and says hello and they ignore him.

TONY
Stuff youse all!

He sits on a bench and looks over Lake Burley Grififn.

TONY (CONT’D)
Wonder how she’s going? The silly bitch.

EXT. PARLIAMNET HOUSE CANBERRA - AFTERNOON

A well dressed woman in her forties is walking towards the main entrance. People stop and stare at her. She shakes their hands.

WOMAN
No car for me when I am in Canberra. I walk just like my Labor voting parents did. I am a Wollongong girl made good enough to be the first female PM.

People clap. Some say, “Sally Millard! Our best ever PM.’

SALLY
And today we will finally solve the Carbon tax, refugee problem and climate control. The Trifecta!

SUPPORTER
Got a tip for the Melbourne cup?

SALLY
I’m putting my money on Titanic surprise.

An Advisor comes to her with a wooden box.

ADVISOR
Box of work Prime Minister?

SALLY
Excellent. Every Australian should have a box of work to do each and every day.

She runs off with her work.

SALLY (CONT’D)
Have to get back to the dynamo room and solve Australia’s problems.

EXT. PARK BENCH CANBERRA - MOMENTS LATER

TONY looks towards the museum.

TONY
May as well get bored senseless there and then go home on the bus.

INT. CANBERRA MUSEUM - DAY

TONY waves to the guards and says hello but they to ignore him.

TONY is drinking a coffee to try to sober up and spills it all over an exhibit.

TONY
Sorry mate.

GUARD
You psycho kid or what?

TONY
Just trying to get on with my life pal.

GUARD
Well go over to Pharlap and look at him. Listen kid, or you’ll end up in the psycho ward. Pharlap’s heart over there had more ticker than you ever did and everyone still loves him.

TONY
Yeah? Wacko.

TONY goes to the exhibit of Pharlap’s huge heart. He watches a video.
“Pharlap was the hero of Australia during the depression of the 1920’s. He was the best horse ever, made money for the poor, was a cool and happy horse and made Australia what it is today, the best place in the world. Till some bastards got jealous and poisoned him. Long live Pharlap!”

A sign says. ‘Pharlap the hero of Australia for ever, This heart weighs 6 Kg and propelled this country to where it is today. Wherever you are Pharlap rest in Horse heaven forever!”

Suddenly all of the lights go out and the heart glows red. TONY hears DR VON CAVALRY’S words. “Makepeoplepayattentiontoyou.Dosomethingbraveandmakethemwantyou.”

CROWDED HOUSE song, “Into temptation.’ Plays.

TONY breaks the glass and grabs the heart which deflates, he then puts it in his school case and walks out. The lights come back on and he looks scared.

TONY (CONT’D)
The lights must have short circuited the security. I am a lucky boy. People will pay a lot of bloody attention to me now.

He walks towards the guards.

GUARD ONE.
Just ignore the kid he’s psycho. Just looking for attention.

GUARD TWO
Yeah let him piss off. We don’t want him here.

TONY walks by and smiles. BLONDIES “Heart of glass plays.”
TONY
Steady boys! Don’t die of boredom. See you later boys.

He walks outside, hangs his head and says.

TONY (CONT’D)
Still nobody pays attention to me.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HORSE HEAVEN - MOMENTS LATER

SFX: PHARLAP is sitting on a chair drinking tea. He laughs.

PHARLAP
What a weird kid. This is going to be interesting.

EXT. CANBERRA SKY - AFTERNOON

All of a sudden the sun goes out and it pours rain and cracks thunder. TONY sees a vision of bloodied and screaming horses.

TONY
Shit what have I done?

INT. HOTEL BOTTLE SHOP - AFTERNOON

Tony buys a small esky and ice. He goes to the toilets.

TONY
Great. Pharlap’s heart fits into my case and will stay cool.

EXT. PARLIAMENT HOUSE - AFTERNOON

The bus is about to go and TONY runs and falls over and his school case goes flying.

I’m gone.

TONY

He gets up and the case does not open and he gingerly gets onboard, goes to the back and lays low.

MAN ON BUS
Did you have a good time son?

Sure did.

TONY

MAN ON BUS
Still hammered?

TONY
No. Learned my lesson.

MAN ON BUS
Do anything exciting?

TONY
Not really. Just had a look around and stuff.

Look son!

MAN ON BUS

Outside is SALLY MILLARD the PM she waves at all in the bus and winks at TONY.

TONY
Far out! Someone likes me.

A man approaches the PM and she runs quickly away with him.

WOMAN ON BUS
Might be the end of the carbon tax.

MAN ON BUS
Where you from son?

TONY
Call me Tony. From Wollongong.

MAN ON BUS
Call me Roy.

TONY
Most know of Wollongong from it’s mayors who do strange things with animals. The council who are mutts who talk at kebab dumps and the steelworks.

ROY
Wollongong! It’s the best. Produced our first female PM. Shannan Taylor the champion boxer, Wayne Gardiner the motorbike Champion and the Owen gun which saved many Aussies in the war. Great University too.

TONY
Yeah. One day I am going to study creative writing there. Don’t want to be a schmuck.

ROY
Are you Jewish?

For sure.

TONY

ROY
Well you are to smart to be a mutt so just go on being just you.

TONY
Wow! Thanks!

The BUS DRIVER suddenly pulls over.

BUS DRIVER
Listen to this!

RADIO ANNOUNCER
We interrupt all programs across Australia.

ROY
Bet the Arabs have blown up the Harbor Bridge.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
A week before the Melbourne Cup Pharlap’s heart has been stolen from the Canberra museum. Repeat, Pharlap’s heart has been stolen from the Canberra museum. Federal police and everyone else is on the case. It is the most heinous crime ever perpetrated on the Australian people. The PM is now in lock down with all parties to discuss the matter.

Three RSL passenger clutches hearts.

BUS DRIVER
Stay cool. I am calling ambulances. TONY shakes and starts another bottle of JD.
BUS DRIVER (CONT’D)
Please relax and remember we will have a quick visit to Taronga Park Zoo before I drop you off at Central.

EXT. TARONGA PARK ZOO - AFTERNOON

TONY is waiting at the chair lift and gets on board. The Camera portrays the absolute beauty of the Harbor, city and zoo as it climbs to the entrance. TONY goes to the Lion cage and they rush at him and he is scared.

TONY
Get stuffed Lions!

He goes to the monkey cage and they yell and show their bums to him.

TONY (CONT’D)
Get stuffed monkeys. I am your pal. I don’t chuck stuff at you or pull faces at you.

He goes to the Hyena cage and it laughs at him.

TONY (CONT’D)
Get stuffed pal. I am going to the birds they’re cool.

He approaches the cockatoo cage. One flies up to the cage.

COCKATOO
Your’e had it now Son.

What?

TONY

COCKATOO
All the animals hate you for what you stole.

Do not.

TONY

Do so.

COCKATOO

Do not.

TONY

COCKATOO
Your’e a dickhead!

TONY grabs the school case containing the heart and runs back to the bus.

INT. PM OFFICE - AFTERNOON

SALLY MILLARD is on the red phone.

SALLY
Is this the deputy PM? Is it secure? Righto. We will use the Federal and state Police and SAS to find the bastard. Could be an Aussie, refugee or even a bloody alien for all I know.
(MORE)

SALLY (CONT'D)
(Beat )
Yes were stuffed if we don’t find it before the Cup and our election campaign that was going without a hitch will see us sunk.

ON SCREEN: TONY WAS REALLY WORRIED NOW, SO HE TRIED TO CHEER HIMSELF UP.

EXT. CHINATOWN - DAY

TONY walks up some stairs to a ritzy restaurant. He is seated and a waiter appears.

INT. RADIO ROOM - AFTERNOON

O’MUCK
Who stole Pharlap’s Heart? Was it a Lebbo? A reffo? An alien? Or a bronzed Aussie?

INT. FOYER HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE - AFTERNOON

HARTMUTT COLTMAN is admiring his PENNY FARTHING bicycle and has it chained to the desk. He talks to the concierge.

COLTMAN
It will be a great conversational piece for the hotel.

A very well dressed man a la Cary Grant approaches him.

GENTLEMAN
Hartmuut I must make a complaint.

COLTMAN
Mr Dinnerville what is the matter? As our resident gourmand has our cuisine failed?

DINNERVILLE
Never! It is sublime. There are few things indeed left in the world I have to find to eat.

COLTMAN
Is is some overrated nobody from Master Chef who has upset you?

DINNERVILLE
God no. We all know a real chef takes years of bitterness and defeat to become a master. I feel the hotel is dropping standards.

COLTMAN
Ahh...has one of your delicate enquiries gong wrong? A young boy or girl who may be say your niece or nephew or a chemical enquiry?

DINNERVILLE
I am far to old for any of that. It is the conventions that worry me.

Which one?

COLTMAN

DINNERVILLE
The suitcase and fortune telling that are to be on here.

COLTMAN
I shall investigate immediately and have you given our Aquatic Presidential suite.

DINNERVILLE
That won’t be necessary...

COLTMAN
And I shall immediately send up for you four grilled Tasmanian rock lobsters and two bottles of Dom Perignon and Hennsessy VSOP.

DINNERVILLE
Why thank you. Your Hotel will always be exceptionale.

COLTMAN
I undersatnd the conventions are to be run by those at the pinnacle of their profession The suitcase convention has an auction of valises dating back to Captain Cook. Still...

DINNERVILLE
Suitcase salespersons have a tendency to smell of suede...as for clairvoyants.

The piped music stops and a radio announcer declares.

ANNOUNCER
We interrupt everything to announce that Pharlap’s Heart has been stolen form the Canberra Museum.
All horses over the land have taken sick and the Melbourne Cup is in jeopardy. The PM will shortly make an announcement and we ask all religions whether you are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu or what ever to take time now to pray for it’s quick return and the hanging or shooting of the thief.

People are fainting in the foyer and bars from shock. COLTMAN takes a loudhailer from the desk.
COLTMAN
Ladies and Gentleman please try to remain calm. The culprit will be caught for we are Aussie and will never give up.
(MORE)

COLTMAN (CONT'D)
Under these circumstances which are as bad a war being declared I authorise all bars in the Hotel Exceptionale to dispense free liquor to restore calm to everyone

DINNERVILLE
Jolly good Coltman.

DINNERVILLE looks at the bar menu.

DINNERVILLE (CONT’D)
I wonder? No it would be impossible.

INT. PASSENGER JET - AFTERNOON

MADAME ACCURATINI, a fat bejewelled woman of indeterminate age is drinking champagne and looking into her crystal ball. Next to her is a fat middle aged bald man DON SUEDE is holding a rare suitcase.

FLIGHT ATTENDANET
We are about to begin our descent into Sydney. Please fasten your seat belts and think of Pharlap.

DON SUEDE
Bet you didn’t see the heart being stolen you stupid bitch.

MADAME ACCURATINI
One more insult and I’ll break this bottle over your head.

DON SUEDE
Where were you on September 11? You mongrels play on the bereaved and needy. You also have the face of a dried up boxer dog.

They start to fight and the attendants separate them. Her crystal ball falls to the ground and they all stop and look at it as a face appears in it. It is TONY who waves to her.

MADAME ACCURATINI
Who is this dickhead?

INT. TRAIN TO WOLLONGONG - DAY

TONY is looking at the coast from the train. He tries to send a message on his mobile but cannot use it properly

TONY
These are for mutts.

EXT. TRAIN STATION WOLLONGONG - DAY

MICHELLE meets TONY.

TONY
Hey Michelle let’s go and walk along cliff Road and then I’ll take you for a hamburger.

TONY jumps off the bridge just before a drunk grabs him and falls into VON CAVALRY’S boat.

Sorry Doc.

TONY

VON CAVALRY
I don’t know you. You have the wrong Doc.

TONY
You told me to make people pay attention to me. It’s getting to be a bit over the top.

VON CAVALRY
You better be on your bike Son.

TONY sees the drunks on the bridge and jumps in the water and swims to the Quay. He yells out to VON CAVALRY.

TONY
By the way I know who stole your Penny Farthing you mutt.

VON CAVALRY
He is only an aberration. Now back to my theories.

TONY sits on the famous MRS MAAQUARIES CHAIR.

Now what?

INT. BAR - AFTERNOON

TONY

The media is interviewing the DRUNKS.

DRUNK 2
He's skinny little kid with long hair hangin’ over his forehead.

DRUNK 2 (CONT’D)
Sorta like a horse.

DRUNK 2 (CONT’D)
No. He's A fat bastard.

JOURNO 2
Ladies and Gentlemen. We have made a Penri sketch from the drunks information.

She shows the sketch which does not look like TONY at all.

DRUNK 2
Names not Penri.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TONYS ROOM HOTEL COSY - MORNING

He is watching TV and looks at the sketch.

TONY
Not me at all you fools!

On TV we see the famous self opinionated Football commentator Warren Brine.

BRINE
I know Aussies and I know that the thief is not Aussie but a refugee destroying our traditions!

TONY
Dumbo football moron.

INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS

DRUNK
Names not Henry or Penri.

DRUNK 2
Listen you dickhead we know who you are and we are gunna’

JOURNO
For God’s sake speak properly and boy do you smell.

DRUNK 2
Piss off you stupid bitch.

An all in brawl occurs and some passers by step in to stop it and they too get into it.

INT. TONYS ROOM HOTEL COSY - CONTINUOUS

TONY
Far out. All over me.

EXT. BUS DEPOT - AFTERNOON

RICK is busy making up jars with some cream contents.

TONY
What you doing?

RICK
My future. Ever since Pharlap’s heart was stolen the Superannuation of Australians has gone down like the Titanic. No confidence just like the 2009 financial crisis. If I knew who the thief was I’d hang him right here.

TONY goes red.

RICK (CONT’D)
Sick of driving. Invented a new formula to regrow hair.

TONY
What is it?

RICK
Secret recipe. But I’ll tell you. Mushrooms and yoghurt.

What?

TONY

RICK
More specifically low fat yoghurt and field mushrooms. Full of sulphur and potassium to grow hair.

TONY
Do you put it on like shampoo?

RICK
No. You eat it.

TONY
Make you spew wouldn’t it?

RICK
Eat it properly. Three tablespoons, three times a day after meals. You see results might quick.

TONY
Let’s sell it.

RICK
Just see bald dudes first.

TONY
What if they tell me to piss off?

RICK
Just tell them they will be sorry and you were bald a week ago and now...

TONY
Even give out a few free samples.

RICK
Good idea. We’ll put the wig mutts and other liars Outa work.

TONY
I know the first place try to.

RICK slumps to the desk.

TONY (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?

RICK
Tony I’m scared. I've never amounted to much. I am getting old.

TONY
I’ll always look after you. Look, I I've done something to make us a lot of money.

What?

RICK

TONY
It’s a secret for now. But I have grown in confidence and feel cool.

A Crime?

RICK

TONY
Not as such.

TONY laughs and they put the cream all over each other and both laugh.

EXT. SYDNEY AIRPORT - MORNING

MADAME ACCURATINI and DON SUEDE drive off in different taxis. It is raining.

DON SUEDE
Hotel Exceptionale thanks.

MADAME ACCURATINI
Hotel Exceptionale thanks.

MADAME’S taxi breaks down and she hails a taxi. DON SUEDE’S TAXI pulls up to her and he winds down the window.

DON SUEDE
How come you did not see that in your crystal ball.

She is covered in mud as the Taxi accelerates off.

EXT. HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE - AFTERNOON

TONY and RICK have set up a stall nearby. The sign says, “Cure your baldness for five bucks. No bullshit just look at us!” People walk past and laugh at them.

TONY
You won't be laughing after you have tried it. Raccoon head.

RICK
No sales. We're had it.

MADAME ACCURATINI walks past them and then stops.

MADAME ACCURATINI
The God’s will punish you for lying.

TONY
What about you in that getup? You look stupid.

MADAME ACCURATINI
Don’t get on your high horse dear. Just like a horse race...you always know the winners from the losers just like Pharlap.

TONY shakes.

RICK
Don’t listen to her mumbo jumbo.

MADAME ACCUARTINI walks off to the Hotel Exceptionale.

MADAME ACCURATINI
What was wrong with the kid?

TONY
Hey Rick here comes three bald cops.

COPS
Looks like you are doing a brisk trade boys.

TONY
Were doing cool cops.

RICK
Nothing illegal just helping us fellow humans out.

COPS
Hope you become millionaires real soon boys.

RICK
What you doing here?

COPS
There is real unrest in the city because of the Pharlap theft.
(MORE)

COPS (CONT'D)
The pubs are the worst. Rumor is the PM had reintroduced capital punishment for the thief

TONY grabs some jars.

TONY
Free samples boys. Just try it and see.

COPS
Can’t son we're honest.

TONY
Al cops are honest.

COPS
Your’e a good kid.

The COPS leave.

TONY
Let’s go for a drink. Leave some for the drunks or whatever and come back later.

Sure.

RICK

TONY
Listen Rick you go ahead I just have to do something.

Righto.

RICK

They leave and the three cops come back and take free samples.

COP ONE
What the hell...can’t hurt.

INT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE - DAY

TONY
I would like to but a house.

The man is dressed in a thousand acre jacket, blue cravat and a pork pie hat.

MAN ONE
Vic Mustang.

TONY
My royalty cheque will arrive soon and I’ll leave a deposit.

MUSTANG
Musician son?

TONY
No in antiques they pay big.

MUSTANG
Near a racetrack?

TONY shivers.

Why?

TONY

MUSTANG
The mustang here can spot a gambler a mile away.

TONY
I’m not a loser.

MUSTANG
Son, I can call you son can’t I?

TONY tries to butt in.

Call me...

TONY

MUSTANG
Because you look a mighty lot younger then the old mustang here. Nobody in this life is a loser unless they are plain stupid and you and I are neither are we?

MUSTANG puts his arm around TONY just like a daddy would.

MUSTANG (CONT’D)
How much deposit?

TONY
$500,000. In the next few days.

MUSTANG
Let me give you some top shelf bourbon here and one...no two whole gilled lobsters from Tasmania. The Mustang loves them with lemon and a touch of coriander. How about you?

For sure.

TONY

MUSTANG shows TONY some homes from a catalogue.

MUSTANG
The mustang likes to turn the pages not like the mutts who use the internet.

TONY
I am going into antiques big time. I’m gonna be a tycoon!

EXT. HOTEL COSY - EVENING

The two drunks are laying across the foyer. TONY steps over them.

GARRY
Hey Tony the cops are everywhere and are stopping anyone looking suspicious or carrying a case.

INT. TONY’S ROOM - EVENING

TONY is examining the suitcase with Pharlap’s Heart.

TONY
Maybe I better hide it somewhere.

EXT. CENTRAL STATION - MORNING

TONY goes to the famous suitcase lockers.

TONY
How much mate?

CLERK
Two bucks a day.

TONY
Bargain. I’ll take three days. Can anyone open it?

CLERK
No Sir! Government regulations.

TONY
Even the cops because of that Pharlap thing?

No Sir!

CLERK

TONY pays and goes to the famous railway bar and gets hammered. He looks at all the passes by.

TONY
All mutts going nowhere. Living on burgers, chips and beer. I am going all the way to the top.

He looks at the BARTENDER.

TONY (CONT’D)
Another bottle of Champagne.

ON SCREEN: “Like us all when we get to big for our boots the God’s punish us. In this case it is Pegasus God of all horses”

SFX: The door of the suitcase locker magically opens and the suitcase goes through the air to Platform One where the Indian Pacific is about to leave and lands in the baggage hold. The train leaves.

EXT. STAR CITY CASINO - AFTERNOON

TONY is winning on blackjack. The cashier gives him cash.

TONY
Wow 5,000. Nothing will stop me now. Time to take Michelle out.

INT. CINEMA - AFTERNOON

TONY and MICHELLE watch Charlie Chaplin in “The Kid”

They walk out. TONY is looking at the poster.

TONY
That’s me a lucky kid.

INT. CRUSTACEAN ROOM HOTEL EXCEPTIONALEE - EVENING

TONY is choosing for MICHELE and FELIX the table captain is impressed.

NED
She’s cool. A genuine Wollongong girl. But she must watch her back. There are more knives coming for her than Julius Caesar took.

TONY
How do you know?

NED
I was playing poker with Julius last night and he foresaw it.

Ned Kelly disappears. TONY smiles and leads from the chest.

TONY
Cool. Me a modern bushranger.

EXT. SYDNEY AIRPORT - AFTERNOON

TONY gets in a taxi.

EXT. HOTEL COSY DAY

JOHNNY and GARRY are sitting down drinking beer and eating a hamburger and chips.

JOHNNY
Been busy son?

Nope.

TONY

He collapses on the stairs.

TONY then slowly climbs the stairs and sees GARRY’S and JOHNNYS rooms. He glances in and sees Vietnam photos and posters everywhere. And a photo of GARRY and JOHNNY in uniform.

TONY (CONT’D)
Great boys! What the hell they doing in the Hotel Cozy? Who’s taking care of them?

An old drunk walks by.

DRUNK 2
We look after each other here Son.

INT. VON CAVALRY OFFICE - DAY

TONY is on the couch and VON CAVALRY jumping like a horse. TONY screams.

DISSOLVE TO:

TONYS DREAM: “He is in a fiery hell with horses laughing at him a la Dante’s inferno.”

TONY
The dreams!

VON CAVALRY
No wonder you are here my boy. My acting like a horse will bring them out of your system as they say.
And, we must get to the bottom of what you saw at the White house in your childhood. But beleive me by telling me your trauma you are slowly but surely regaining a sense of normality.
(Beat)
Whereas perhaps I am not.

INT. MAHOGANY RESTAURANT HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE - NIGHT

In the foyer is a very large tank with lobsters, crabs, fish and octopi. KENNETH DINNERVILLE is walking to his favorite table. TABLE CAPTAIN FELIX smiles.

FELIX
Good evening Mr Dinnerville. Tonight we have culinary rarities from all over the world to tempt you.

DINNERVILLE
Felix, tonight let us say fare from one’s childhood.

FELIX
Antoine has told me you shall be surprised.

Clues?

DINNERVILLE

FELIX
Under strict discretion Sir.

DINNERVILLE
Very well then. To start two bottles of 1971 Grange.

FELIX
A very good choice Sir. Sommelier Bernard will be pleased.

DINNERVILLE
Please tell Executive Chef Antoine to be as peace with himself. I can tell if a meal has been made in a confrontational way.

FELIX
I shall inform Antoine.

DINNERVILLE reads the paper with the headlines about Pharlap’s heart. He shakes his head.

DINNERVILLE
Frightful behavior.

INT. MAHOGANY KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

ANTOINE is on the floor with a bottle of vodka. He tries to climb up and FELIX helps him up.

FELIX
Perhaps after dinner would be better.

ANTOINE
I have lost Dinnerville’s dinner.

What?

FELIX

ANTOINE
You know he likes surprises and challenges death.

And?

FELIX

ANTOINE
I took a blue ringed octopus from the tank and as one knows they are highly intelligent. Well, when he saw the chopping knife coming for him. He took off and hid under the fridge.

The vodka?

FELIX

ANTOINE
To stun him.

FELIX
I shall tell Mr Dinnerville he has one less surprise in store.

ANTOINE
No. I shall reign supreme. Blue ringed Octopus are the deadliest specie in Australia and the chance of Dinnerville suffocating with his Blue ringed calamari a la Antoine are quite magnificent.

The octopus runs from under the fridges and out the door towards the aquarium. It jumps up, opens the lid and climbs back in.

INT. MAHOGANY KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

FELIX brings out some dishes.

FELIX
For Kenenth , Dolphin bisque and Platypus fillet a la Antoine.

He devours his meal with gusto. He looks at the newspaper headlines again.

DINNERVILLE
I wonder? Perhaps just two slices with Antoine’s sauce exceptionale.

INT. FOYER HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE - DAY

DON SUEDE is a the desk.

SUEDE
Don Suede suit case executive supreme.

CLERK
Welcome to the Hotel Exceptionale Mr Suede. I have a perfect room for you in room 000.

SUEDE
Fine. Could you arrange for a bottle of Islay Single Malt and a very large plate of chips with chicken salt delivered?

CLERK
Certainly Sir!

SUEDE exits as MADAME ACCURATINI appears and they sneer at each other.

INT. VON CAVALRY OFFICE - AFTERNOON

VON CAVALRY
Let me tell you I have not slept for days worrying about this crime. I have a complete profile on the criminal?

Who is it?

FEMALE JOURNO

VON CAVALRY
He is physically at least 190 cm or six foot three tall and weighs 140 kg or as they say a fat bastard.
He likes tennis and playing polo. He drives a luxury car and lives in an affluent suburb with a wife and nine children.

FEMALE JOURNO
Could be anyone.

VON CAVALRY
And the third child is probably a jockey. This is proves by the German mathematician Werner Von Equines principle of thirds in nines.

FEMALE JOURNO
Your mad. What about his makeup?

VON CAVALRY
Good eyelashes and complexion. He also was most probably attacked by a white pointer shark.

THE JOURNALISTS just shake their heads.

INT. HOTEL COSY - AFTERNOON

TONY picks up the phone in his room.

TONY
Time to get the money and run.

He dials a number.

TONY (CONT’D)
I this the cops? It is? Listen I’m the one who knocked off Pharlap’s Heart and it’s gonna cost you plenty to get it back. (Pause) Yeah, well the rest of them are liars. Because I am the boy you want. I’m gonna leave you a clue to prove it all.

He hangs up. He gets a pen and paper and write a note. He then calls another number.
TONY (CONT’D)
I this the personal column of the daily Gutter? It is? Listen I want to take out a three day message.
Are you ready? OK. It says, “Lonely far away heart seeks friendship and correspondence with Horse lover. I have something that everyone wants. I am loving, caring and know how to take a successful gamble. Reply ASAP to Horsefeace.”

The newspaper woman lady repeats the message in a whiny voice.
(Pause)
You like Horses to do you baby? We maybe we should meet later. Listen, I sent the money in an envelope and it should arrive this afternoon.
So, it will be in tomorrows edition Thanks. Good luck to you also baby.

TONY places the phone down and looks at himself in a mirror.

TONY (CONT’D)
You are one cool cat!

INT. HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE ROOMS - MORNING

DON SUEDE looks back at the rostrum and chairs and a large sign, “ TODAY ONLY THE LEGENDRY DON SUEDE WILL LECTURE ON THE HISTORY OF THE SUITCASE FROM 1657 TO PRESENT AND THEN CONDUCT AN AUCTION.”

INT. HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE ROOMS - MORNING

MADAME ACCURATINI is smiling. Her room is packed with fools. Her sign proclaims, “ Madame Accuartini Goddess of the future.” She mounts the foyer to applause.

MADAME ACCURATINI
Dim the lights.
( She whispers to herself) And their minds.

She looks at her crystal ball.

MADAME ACCURATINI (CONT’D)
Oh great spirit give me the knowledge to see the truth and future.

She goes into a trance and speaks in foreign tongues.

MADAME ACCURATINI (CONT’D)
Madame will now answer the impossible. I shall draw out a number for my first prediction.

She brings out a number.

MADAME ACCURATINI (CONT’D)
666! 666! Are you there?

DEEP VOICE
I am present.

MADAME ACCURATINI
Your name and request.

DEEP VOICE
My name is know to all. I am a long way down and know your future.

MADAME ACCURATINI
It’s usually my purgative. I’m boss here.

DEEP VOICE
Are you now?

The lights flicker on and off. Water sprinklers come on and off. Smoke and fire appears and pitchforks fall from the ceiling.

MADAME ACCURATINI
What a trick!

DEEP VOICE
I am the master of the future. And know when to send you all to Hell!

There are catcalls, foot stomping, chair throwing and cries of “Give us our money back.”

AUDIENCE
Stupid bitch! We are all going next- door.

MADAME ACCURATINI
Bugger off all of you. I have something on someone else. Time for me to cash in my chips and take a long holiday.

INT. HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE ROOMS- MOMENTS LATER

SUEDE looks to the empty room and commences to speak.

DON SUEDE
As you may be aware the suitcase or valise has been around for centuries, Legend is that Napoleon, The Apostles and Captain Cook ha done. The first belonged to Noah who...

A rush of people arrive ans dit down.

DON SUEDE (CONT’D)
Come in! Come in!

INT. HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE - DAY

HARTMUT COLTMAN is patrolling his relax with his hands behind his back in German fashion. He bows and smiles to all.
MICHELLE arrives with paperwork.

TONY (CONT’D)
Michelle look after this with your life. I have some very important things do to.

MICHELLE
You leaving me?

Never!

TONY

MICHELLE
I must go now.

TONY
See you soon.

They kiss and leave.

MICHELLE
Bloody suitcase. He takes it everywhere.

She puts it behind her desk, puts a ticket on it saying, “Hotel Staff” and leaves on her errands. Unseen by her the ticket mysteriously falls off and a cleaner sees it and shakes her head and takes the suitcase.

CLEANER
No wonder cases go missing here.

The CLEANER then leaves the suitcase in the ballroom where Don Suede is giving his suitcase lectures.

ON SCREEN: “Poor old Tony! All hell is about to break loose!”

INT. MAHOGANY RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON

DINNERVILLE and COLTMAN are dining.

DINNERVILLE
I agree. If you desire something impossible to obtain one must try. I tis a weakness of character if one does not.

COLTMAN
Maybe this time?

DINNERVILLE
How many years have we known each other?

Twenty.

COLTMAN

DINNERVILLE
We are not getting any younger. My Major vice is food and yours well we know. I have dined on every major world rarity and desire just one more.

Your wish?

COLTMAN

DINNERVILLE
Two perhaps three slices of Phalap's heart.

COLTMAN
Impossible! It is a national icon!

DINNERVILLE
I shall share some with you.

COLTMAN
But how? Even the PM is at a loss.

DINNERVILLE
I was a former Detective.

COLTMAN
Well if it is tough I can always use it as a rare paperweight.

Antoine?

DINNERVILLE

COLTMAN
More than capable.

DINNERVILLE
Master Chef shall be very sorry they did not have him as a contestant.

They shake hands. COLTMAN signals to FELIX.

COLTMAN
Felix, 4 bottles of Dom Perignon and four Lobster a la Antoine for us.

Certainly!

FELIX

DINNERVILLE brings out the lonely heart ad that TONY placed.

DINNERVILLE
I am convinced this is our thief. I have written out a reply. “Lonely horse lover and heart broken lady seeks like minded male for companionship. Confidentiality assured. Reply Miss Pharline Horseface.”

Montage of letters arriving at the HOTEL COSY and HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE with TONY and DINNERVILLE reading them.

INT. HOTEL COSY - AFTERNOON

TONY is asleep and his phone rings. He picks it up.

Yeah?

TONY

DINNERVILLE
Miss Pharline here.

TONY shakes.

Hi baby.

TONY

DINNERVILLE
In short I desire what you have. I am prepared to pay let us say,
$45,000 for four slices.

Of what?

TONY

You know.

DINNERVILLE

Why?

TONY

DINNERVILLE
Do you know what a gourmand is?

TONY
Not as such.

DINNERVILLE
A gentleman who loves delicate fare.

TONY
It’s as tough as old army boots. I’ll ring you back. Just keep an eye out for a cool cat with a suitcase.

TONY hangs up. He takes the case and walks out of the Hotel Cosy and goes to a public telephone.

TONY (CONT’D)
Any mutt could be listening

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HORSE HEAVEN - DAY

The horses are laughing as they tangle up the telephone lines. TONY thinks he is talking to DINNERVILLE. But it is, “Steve’s guaranteed used cars.”

STEVE
Don’t want it anymore.

How come?

TONY

STEVE
It’s trash. Couldn’t get 100 metres with it.

TONY
I know that. But it is national icon...the Cat used to fly heaps.

They struggle and MADAME hits her head on the side of a board and falls to the ground with blood everywhere.

ANTOINE (CONT’D)
She is dead. Let it be finished.

He grabs an electric stunner.

ANTOINE (CONT’D)
First a dose of electric to make sure she is truly finished.
Now for the deed to be done.

He grabs a mini chain saw and cuts her up.

ANTOINE (CONT’D)
I shall then wrap you up in fine cotton. One last trim. Let it be finished quickly.

He wraps her and blood streams from her.

ANTOINE (CONT’D)
It is finished. She smells of champagne Who would have thought she had so much champagne in her?

ANTOINE goes to the suitcase he always has on hand to make a quick retreat and stuffs MADAME into it.

COLTMAN enters and ANTOINE shakes.

COLTMAN
How do we correct this?

ANTOINE
She attacked me first!

COLTMAN
She was I beleive blackmailing you?

ANTOINE
One’s past is best forgotten.

COLTMAN
Relax the bat was blackmailing me too.
Leave it to me. Nobody will question the Manager of the Hotel Exceptionale I’ll take her out and bury her.

ANTOINE
Antoine is always stylish. Let her go out in the style that she lacked in life. She as you know caused it all.

COLTMAN
Actually I have a better idea. Load her in my sports car.

They carry the suitcase to his car.

COLTMAN (CONT’D)
Heavy bitch.

EXT. SEACLIFF BRIDGE WOLLONGONG - AFTERNOON

COLTMAN is driving along the beautiful scenery.

COLTMAN
Go Coltman go!

In the opposite direction TONY is driving a truck with the sign. “Ricks glue straight to you.”

TONY is eating a paddle pop and drops it on the floor. He bends down to pick it up and drives to the other side of the road. He gets up and sees COLTMAN dead ahead.

Shit!

TONY

As they collide TONY is thrown from the cabin and falls into the sea and sinks to the bottom. COLTMAN and his car are covered in glue. MADAME in the suitcase also falls to the sea floor and TONY thinks that it is his case and tries to dive for it. An ambulance and cops appear and it is the three cops who tried the hair growth and their hair is even longer. They dive into the sea to rescue TONY. They grab him and all their hair falls out. COLTMAN is being cut out with a chain saw by the AMBOS.

TONY is spewing water and the COPS look at him.

TONY (CONT’D)
Thanks boys! I forgot to tell you the hair cure works only if you don’t go swimming.

INT. VON CAVALRY OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

VON CAVALRY pushes a lift button, it opens and he goes to the
23 floor.

VON CAVALRY
What am I doing? It is impossibility As if some spell has been broken.

INT. HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE - DAY

A Melbourne Cup party is on. MICHELLE is compare.

MICHELLE
Mr Coltman will be here shortly. First prize is a 1934 Penny Farthing and a rare suitcase from the fabulous collecting of Mr Don Suded.

MICHELE goes to some staff members.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Where the hell is he? Tony is missing too.

People start to catcall and foot stomp

MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Okay ladies and gentleman. I shall draw the prize.

She draws out a ticket.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)
The winner is madame. Is there a madame here?

PATRON
Plenty here love. Times are tough.

MICHELLE
All I want is a madame.

PATRON
So do we all.

MICHELLE
If there is no madam here we will have to redraw.

She redraws.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)
The winner is Don Suede.

DON SUEDE accepts the Penny farthing and rides off.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Now for the rare suitcase. The winner is Mr Dinnerville!

DINNERVILLE who is mighty drunk approached the stage.

DINNERVILLE
Big deal. A case.

He accepts it and stumbles off.

MICHELLE
The case looks like Tony’s. At least he has style.

DINNERVILLE goes to the lift and enters it. He takes a peak inside and sees Pharlap’s Heart. He collapses to the floor and the lift door opens. Some people help him up.

DINNERVILLE
Thank you. I am perfectly alright. Just hammered.

MAN ONE
No worries mate it is the Melbourne Cup day factorial.

INT. MAHOGANY RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON

DINNERVILE is in ecstacy. He looks at FELIX.

DINNERVILLE
Felix the contents of the suitcase are for Antoine’s eyes only. He is to prepare the finest dish of his fine career.

Sir!

FELIX

As FELIX takes the suitcase the hotel sprinklers come on. And the gigantic Lobster tank increases in water volume. The Blue ringed octopus opens the lid and the whole cage collapse with water cascading everywhere. DINNERVILLE, FELIX and ANTOINE are hit by thousands of lites of water and are pushed along to the staircase leading out to the foyer. The suitcase containing Perhaps heart also goes along.

EXT. HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE FOYER - AFTERNOON

COLTMAN and TONY arrive in a taxi. COLTMAN leads TONY to the foyer with his arm around him.

COLTMAN
Just relax my boy. It was a accident. Come inside and get stuck into it with myself and Michelle...after all it is Melbourne Cup day.

.

INT. HOTEL EXCEPTIONALE RESTAURANT- AFTERNOON

TONY is sitting on a chair and has his head down.

TONY
Woe is me. I’m going to tell Michelle everything.

Suddenly the stairs are flooded and down come ANTOINE DINNERVILLE, FELIX and fish and lobsters. TONY and COLTMAN get taken along in the flow and then suddenly his suitcase lands next to him.

TONY (CONT’D)
Okay suitcase time for you to go. I’m off.

TONY picks it up and goes out whistling.

The blue ringed octopus bites ANTOINE and he dies. COLTMAN has a heart attack and dies.

INT. PARLIAMENT HOUSE PM OFFICE CANBERRA - AFTERNOON

SALLY MILLARD has her head down on the desk.

SALLY
Time to pack your bags. May as well have one last talk with the punters.

INT. PARLIAMENT HOUSE FOYER - MOMENTS LATER

SALLY is talking to voters. TONY sees her and walks up to her.

SALLY
Hello Son. How are things?

TON
I can help you get re elected.

SALLY
They all say that.

TONY
Call me Tony.

SALLY
Call me Sally. Tony is a battlers name. How can I help you.

TONY whispers in her ear.

Really?

SALLY (CONT’D)

TONY
I’m from Wollongong to and don’t lie. Look...

He goes to open the suitcase and the PM notices nobody around.

SALLY
Look Tony let’s go onto my office. (Pause)
You don’t have a bomb in there do you son?

Nah.

TONY

She signals to an advisor to he the media ASAP.

INT. PM OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

She opens the door which has attached on it. “SILENCE! THE DYNAMO ROOM.”

Her office is rather like many others. She beckons TONY to sit down in her chair and she sits on the guests one.

SALLY
This chair belongs to you as much to me. Your’e my voters.

TONY
I found Pharlap’s heart.

Where?

SALLY

TONY
It’s in the bag.

SALLY
That’s what my advisors always say and I end up in the gutter. How did you find it?

TONY
I didn’t knock it off. I found it in a flood.

Like Noah?

SALLY

TONY
Kind of...look here it is.

He whispers in her ear again.

TONY (CONT’D)
Listen this is how I found it.

He open the suitcase and puts the heart on her desk.

SALLY
It will be our secret.

All of sudden the rain stops, the lights flicker on and off and a halo of golden light envelopes the room.

SALLY (CONT’D)
Son...I mean Tony you are the hero of the nation.

TONY whispers into her ear.

SALLY (CONT’D)
Okay Son I’ll do it.

SALLY presses a button and the media fly in and take photos and prepare for an interview.

SALLY (CONT’D)
What makes an Australian? Tony McDonkey does. We admire the underdog, rebel at authority. Love our sport. And when sport’s crown... I mean heart is stolen we all feel defeated. Tony here is like the Anzacs, young, bronzed and brave. If you all know how hard a beating he took from the thief and being tortured....yet he still overcame him and bough the heart not to the slimy media...but to the heart of the nation.

SALLY open her cheque book and writes out a cheque for one million dollars to Tony McDonkey.

SALLY (CONT’D)
And don’t forget he comes from Wollongong just like me and is a battler and Wollongong boys and girls are Australia best blood.

EXT. BAR SYDNEY - MOMENTS LATER

RICK and MICHELLE are looking at the TV and cheering and crying.

RICK
What a brave kid. I knew he was up to something. He solved the whole case.

MICHELLE
What a boy!

INT. PM OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

SALLY
What are you going to do with it?

TONY
Help some Viet vets who need a heart operation, buy a house, help out my bus driver mate Rick and settle down with my girl.

SALLY
I have also authorised that our new coat of arms be rid of the Kangaroo and Emu and have just Pharlap appear on it. Pharlap’s heart again reigns supreme. His return has seen the hearts of fellow Aussies about to be healed. Let Australia begin again and let the Melbourne Cup roll!

She bursts in tears.

ADVSIOR
Get this on TV now! This will get her elected for sure.

SALLY
One more thing. No more profit centred care.
(MORE)

SALLY (CONT'D)
I am going to open a new hospital for Vietnam vets and a 4 star hostel so they do not have to end up in dumps like the Hotel Cosy!

EXT. STEELWORKS - AFTERNOON

RICK drives the bus to TONY’S old house which is now spick and span and has a sign outside. “ Here was born the new hero of Australia Tony McDonkey. A Wollongong boy!’

RICK
Your mum and dad would be proud.

TONY cries. They drive past the horse paddock and all the horse stop and salute him with thier hoofs.

TONY
Cool cat city!

EXT. HOTEL COSY - DAY

The Viet vets are packing their bags.

JOHNNY
Thanks to Tony we can live again.

GARRY
And live somewhere a bit better as the good old Cosy is going to be knocked down for a Chinese massage parlor.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Roy the RSL bus passenger is dying. The nurse comes in and shows him the newspaper with the PM and Tony.

NURSE
He is the hero of Australia. He donated the money to help Vietnam vets.

ROY
I knew he could do it! Time for me to tell all my war mates in Heaven.

ROY dies.

INT. VON CAVALRY OFFICE - DAY

TONY rises from the couch.

TONY
What do you think?

VON CAVALRY
The whole story is bullshit son. You made it all up. More shock treatment!

TONY runs out as THE RAMONES “Gimmee, Gimmee shock treatment.” Plays.

INT. CANBERRA MUSEUM - DAY

Pharlap’s Heart is back in place with massive security all around.

ON SCREEN: “Now before we go time to tie a few things up to our tale.”

Why did Executive Chef Antoine, Hartmut Coltman and Madame Accuratini have on each other? “

EXT. 1995 HORSE BARN - AFTERNOON

ANTOINE, COLTMAN and ACCUARTINI are drunk and abusive to each other. They have race tickets and we see that they have lost a lot of money on the horses. They see some young foals and two horses. They heard them into the barn and set it alight and the barn burns as does the horses. They all laugh and walk away.

ON SCREEN: “This was the famous and unsolved former Melbourne Cup winners retirement home murder case. As we all know some people are just born bad. They went through their bad lives always knowing that one might squeal to the cops so they manipulated each other!”

As for what TONY saw in the white house that day...Only he knows! And what happened to dear old Dr VON CAVALRY? He became...

EXT. HORSE PADDOCK - MORNING

VON CAVALRY is on a couch next to a Horse.

...a Horse Whisperer.

VON CAVALRY
Now my boy tell me all!

EXT. MOUNT STROMLOW OBSERVATORY CANBERRA- NIGHT

The astronomer is looking through the mighty telescope. He sees the PEGASUS star constellation and this time the horse like constellation waves to him and just disappears.

ASTRONOMER
Better lay off the evening whisky. The whole thing was an abnormality.

INT. HORSE HEAVEN - MOMENTS LATER

SFX: PHARLAP is sitting on a chair drinking tea. He laughs.

PHARLAP
I get the last word. I reckon it was great. Don’t ever underestimate psycho kids! See you around.

As the CREDITS flow we see the Melbourne Cup start. But instead of horses at the gate we see all the characters. As each gate opens a character runs out and we see the actors names and they smile. This is interspersed with BLONDIES, “Heart of Glass.’