This Grandma’s Thanksgiving Rules Are Awesomely Harsh

Helen Philpot is not dead yet (she wants to make sure you know that). Far from it. To the blogging octogenarian, Thanksgiving is still an important tradition — and, as far as she’s concerned, there’s a certain set of rules to doing it right. So if you’re still interested in being included in the family will, you best be on time, keep the politics talk to a hush and leave your cell phones at the door with your vegetarian friends. And don’t even think about bringing Jell-O salad.

Philpot, who authors the Margaret and Helen blog with her “best friend for 60 years,” posted a hilarious — and apparently, sincere — set of rules for Thursday’s meal. It’s classic sass, with just the right amount of mean.

Here are a few of our favorites:

“I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy … look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.”

“Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.”

“Cloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the HEB bakery.”

“Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?”

“Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.”

“Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.”

See the full set of rules here. Does your family have any strict requirements for Thanksgiving? Do you think Helen’s rules are the real deal or a bit of Internet trickery? Tell us below.

BONUS: Helen Probably Wouldn’t Approve of Thanksgiving Meals Made With Help From YouTube

How to Cook a Complete Thanksgiving Meal on YouTube

1. Turkey

The pièce de résistance of Thanksgiving is the turkey. For a first-timer, the bird can seem intimidating, but there are dozens of YouTube tutorials, depending whether you choose to stuff the bird.

Don’t forget to buy the turkey a couple days ahead of time, or you’ll be stuck with a frozen block of ice bird.

2. Stuffing

If you choose not to stuff the bird, here’s a recipe for stuffing that’s delicious on its own.

3. Mashed Potatoes

Sunset’s food editor Margo True talks about all of the things people are doing wrong when cooking mashed potatoes. True says that selecting the right potato is important. Pick one that’s starchy so it will fall apart.

4. Collards

If you want to add a little bit of southern style to your Thanksgiving dinner, you can’t forget the collard greens.