F1 decision-making: An explanation

Spectators arriving at Silverstone are asked to vote 'Yes' or 'No'. The actual question has yet to be decided but having the result of a Yes/No vote prepared in advance will save money and streamline the process once the subject has been chosen.

The choice of topic for the vote will be discussed by the Substandard Strategy Group of the DRS (Daft Random Suggestions) Committee, which will then take a separate vote, divide it by the number of bus journeys from the car park to the paddock and submit the result to a group whose name has yet to be decided but won't matter because they will completely ignore the suggestion and come up with something extremely silly indeed.

This will then be presented to the Motor Sport Borough Council who, after a long lunch, will show it to Marussia, Sauber, Force India and the tenants at Caterham, stick up two fingers and demand $100,000 from each as part of cost saving to help pay for lunch.

The document will be passed to the Working Group Examining Working Groups Committee. This will come to nothing after an 'incident' has to be reported to the stewards when a delegate stirs his tea and deliberately puts the wet spoon back in the sugar bowl, knowing full well that only one movement with the spoon is permitted when the committee is in session.

After a suitable delay, the document will then be handed to Mr. Luca di Montezemolo for approval as soon as he has returned from drama class, but not before he has decided what to complain about next. His grievance will be passed to HIBS (Historically Important But Slow), a member of Sympathetic Subcommittees that pay money to deserving cases with cars painted red (with the exception of Marussia - as voted out by the F1 Select Committee of 'Tough Shit', a sporting body based in Syria).

With the original proposal now forgotten/lost/completely changed, the F1 Strategy Group will meet to examine how this happened, come to a conclusion which will subsequently be changed and the meeting declared null and void on the grounds of further cost saving. Marussia will be blamed for the minutes of the above being leaked to journalist Dieter Rencken. Claims that they were never even told about the meeting will be dismissed on the grounds that this is what Marussia always say.

Mr. Bernie Ecclestone, on day release from a Bungs and Bribes course in Munich, will declare there's no point in wasting time with decisions because F1 is rubbish and none of the teams (except Ferrari) deserve to be there. Furthermore, he has decided to scrap the British, Spanish, German, Belgian, Canadian and Monaco Grands Prix.

His statement will be passed back to the Substandard Strategy Group at DRS with instructions to agree on not preparing a question for the original Yes/No vote. By which time, a hugely dramatic British Grand Prix will have finished and the spectators will have gone home, happy that their vote helped secure the future of this wonderful sport.

A veteran journalist in the paddock, Maurice Hamilton has been part of the Formula One scene since 1977 and was the Observer's motor racing correspondent for 20 years. He has written several books as well as commentating on Formula One for BBC Radio 5 Live

Maurice Hamilton writes for ESPN F1. A veteran journalist in the paddock, Maurice Hamilton has been part of the Formula One scene since 1977 and was the Observer's motor racing correspondent for 20 years. He has written several books as well as commentating on Formula One for BBC Radio 5 Live