Category: anxiety

So I just got done reading an amazing post by Thisisyouth titled Nepal 54: Anxiety Takes hold and it really got me thinking. Before reading this post I would consider whether or not a change of scenery would help my mind and the feelings and emotions that I have on a daily basis. Upon reading this incredibly well written post I’ve discovered that a change of scenery isn’t always a “fix all” for life.

Honestly I really should have known this when I, the girl who struggles with getting out of her car in parking lots because of anxiety, decided to book a Motel in Pittsburgh for a job that I was 100% unqualified and unemotionally prepared for because doing so led to a previous post of mine, Death Without Dying.

Now I know that alot of my blogs are somewhat dark but incase you don’t know me, my name is Emily and this is important.

Your mental health is so important. I really can’t stress that enough. The bad part about your mental health is the fact that it is mental as in, regardless of where you are or who you’re with, it will always be there.

You could get sick, that’s environmental. You could lose faith, that’s religious. But if you’re like me even in the slightest you know that if your life is crashing around you- a change of seating won’t fix it.

I learned an extremely important lesson today. I learned that even if your world is falling because of your mental health mixed with everyday struggles and you’ve done everything you possibly could to change it except analyze your own mental stability, NOTHING will change.

If you aren’t willing to put all of your cards on the table, or ask for help like I did then nothing will change.

I’m more than aware that putting aside my pride and asking for help today won’t fix everything but it helped. It helped a hell of alot more then jumping into the next situation blindly. More than uprooting my life for 4 days, trapped in a 10×10 room afraid to leave and deathly afraid to stay.

Incase you haven’t noticed I’m not one to sit still but hopefully this will mean something coming from someone who is restless, full of anxiety and struggling with hardships for years (more recently the past month.)

Sit down.

Stop exactly where you are and sit down. Breathe. Think. Feel.

Get it out before it destroys you from the inside because your mental health is so, extremely, unbelievably IMPORTANT.

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I need to add this here because I’m thankful to have found the post that led to this blog. Thank you very much for allowing me to have the opportunity to read your blog, thank you for liking my previous post and thank you for allowing me to reference you in this one.

I’ve said this before and meant it at the time but today…today was so hard.

I am unemployed. Again. I’d rather not explain it but I can say I didn’t do anything wrong. I can admit that I’m not perfect but I gave it everything I could and it didn’t work out.

Because of that, I had a mental breakdown. I screamed, I cried. I called for my boyfriend to help me and he did his best but it wasn’t helping.

I can truly say there was a point where I looked at the river just past the guard rail on the side of the road and smiled just knowing at any point that I could jerk my wheel over and be done with everything.

Breaking my back trying to prove myself, motivating myself to smile even when every inch of me is crumbling, giving 1000% of myself to do what I need to do even when I barely have anything to get out of bed in the morning.

I smiled. I thought about killing myself and the only reaction that came to my mind was to smile.

With that being said, I really can’t tell you what made me push aside my pride and anxiety and pull up to the counselors office we have in town.

I walked in and contrary to me knowing I could care less right now, smiling at death, I asked for help.

I explained that I had spent my last dollar this morning, I had no health insurance and that I was crumbling.

At a time where I could have been turned away, kicked in the teeth and ignored, they said okay.

A stranger gave me almost an hour of their time, talked to me, offered me every piece of advice they could and stopped me from crying.

Today has taught me that if there’s anything left in the world to be grateful for, I am grateful for them. I am grateful for my boyfriend. I am so unbelievably grateful that I feel like I’m going to cry again so with that being said, I need to end this blog here and breathe.