I am even having a hard time writing this. This weight..... not in pounds, but in emotional expenditure... is killing me. I am not myself. I have had regular periods, coming every 30 days like clock work. In august...... I was two weeks late (Of course it waited until the day I left for the beach!) It seemed like a normal period, but it just never stopped. I spotted and spotted and spotted ..... for 50 days. During that 50 days.... my body ached. I cried all the time. I felt terrible.... like maybe it wasn't menopause at all... but that I really was dying from something. My heart raced.... and skipped beats. I had mini-hotflashes, almost like I had a fever for 10 minutes or so.... then it would go away. I did eventually stop bleeding, about a week ago, but I am so tired... so down.....It's very difficult. Everyone is constantly after me.... "Whats wrong with you?" "Are you sick" "You should see a doctor" "Thats not normal.. aren't you worried?"I am having a VERY hard time running my lab. Something that usually brings me great joy... I love my work. Right now I don't care. I don't know what I want to do, or where I want to go. Sometimes I feel like I can't think straight. I'm not even sure I want to be married anymore. I love my Daughter and Granddaughter with all of my heart..... but even going to St. Louis seems like too much effort. I know I am depressed. I can handle days of depression.... its all the 'other' stuff that goes along with it I can't handle...... the hypochondria (What if the racing heat really IS heart disease? What IF the hemorrhoid really IS rectal cancer.... what if, what if, what if?), the anxiety, the body aches, the worry..... Acckkkk........ I really thought all this kind of crap was light years behind me...... I planned all year long for my husband's 50th birthday.... I threw him a big surprise party. I literally had to 'force' my way through the day. I dread going out with friends...... too much effort to fake smile and laugh. I know this will pass. It always does. I HATE whining. But when you go through this.... you really do go through it alone. I had high hopes of breezing through menopause. I AM trying to roll with all of this. It just gets overwhelming sometimes, like it might never end. I'm just tired of it.

Bull......you were right in posting it, Kris!! Not only did it probably feel good to let it out, but it did good for me to read it! I'm sure others will chime in with understanding too. You said so much of what I feel much of the time and I've been post-menopausal for 20 years!! Jeez, I don't mean to scare anyone but we all go through this crap at different times and different levels. It goes away, then it comes back....we just get a feeling of peacefulness and then suddenly everything is in an uproar, and I live ALONE!! The only one I have to put up with is ME and sometimes THAT's too much.

All I can say is pay attention to those that try to tell you to take care of yourself, whether it's physical (yes, go to the doctor--don't brush it off) or emotional...do whatever you feel you need. Don't feel guilty. Give yourself a break. This is not your imagination. I don't care how strong of a person you are, there are times when it's a good thing to let it out. Maybe try to prepare your family for times like this...print something out from the internet and read it to them outloud if you have to. Get a webcam to visit with your granddaughter....that's what I do with the kids in Texas because I hate to travel lately and don't want to go down there.

Just find what it takes for you to get through each day...thank you for sharing, Kris. Don't ever apologize for posting your feelings here.

Thanks-you, Dee. One of the things that does bother me is feeling like I am all alone in this. I do have an Appt with my Doctor on Monday..... Just to talk about about the 'state of my personal union' I will also have my yearly with the gyn in December. I'm not really worried about the spotting at all. That, along with the fact that I have been a complete WACKO for the past two months does lead me to believe this is all hormone related. I posted awhile back about being able to embrace this 50+ age. I have yet to accomplish this. I don't mind being 51. I absolutely LOVE being a Gramma. My business is growing quite nicely and I am very proud of what we have done there. My daughter is happy and loves being a mom. Shes even trying to get pregnant again!! I am blessed with wonderful people in my life. I have so many things to be grateful for.... and I am! I just want to be able to enjoy these things again. I do, however feel bad for my husband and my business partner. (A man) They just have no clue. I have tried to explain myself...... but it is difficult when you are not in the drivers seat, to understand. It seems like they are always saying to me "I told you that already!" Sometimes things just don't register as important to me, so I forget them, I guess.All in all... this has been a rough year so far. I wonder how long this may last? The last two days I have had lower back aches and my period seems to have started again. I might be due again.... who knows. I wish I would have purchased some stock in Tampax......

Kris wrote: I dread going out with friends...... too much effort to fake smile and laugh.

Boy, I hear ya Kris. That is exactly how I feel. While my husband is having a great time socializing when we go out, my mind is elsewhere. I always find myself checking the time on my cellphone just wishing it were time to go home.

Socializing is no longer fun. Like you it is full of fake smiles, laughs... I compare it to being at work.. I can't wait until it's time to go home!

Chelsea...I wonder if those around us (either men or women who haven't started the change yet) have different interests than us at this stage? I'm guessing that if we were doing things (or socializing) with all women who understood the process, if we would find it easier to go about our days and activities? Don't know if my thoughts are coming through, but it triggered something when you and Kris mentioned feeling out of sorts with husbands and friends. I guess our only outlet is places like this where we DO understand and can give our support on these issues.

I'm divorced so I don't have to deal with someone else's idea of fun, but I notice that with my friends (all women in their late 50's and early 60's), if I just want to stay home and take a nap.....nobody pushes me and I don't feel I have to do something I don't want to do.

Minnie, you are so right about coming here to get friendship with others going through the same thing.

It's bad enough leaving keys in the refrigerator, or forgetting what we went into a room for. Socializing is very difficult sometimes, as some people associate these things with stupidity, not acknowledging what is really going on.

For instance, I had company for dinner and I asked my husband where the maragrine was. I told him I wanted to rub the potatoes with it before I baked them. He told me I was nuts, nobody does that. Our company looked at him and said.. "Where did you get her?" Well, I didn't think it was funny at all and blew up saying "I am NOT stupid!!" Lots of people do that to make the skins softer. They snapped back saying NOBODY does that! Then I went into the bedroom and just cried.

Well, I went to Doctors last week. She walked in the room and all I could say to her was "I have nothing new to say to you." She smiled and said... "its gonna be the same visit as last time,,huh?" Thats about the way it goes. I told her about the non stop bleeding I was having and she wants me to have an internal ultrasound to see how thick my uterine lining is....... I had my Mammogram last week. Breasts are healthy (Thank God) Aside from all this spotting, I got my period (I think) last Saturday. I had bad cramps and a lower backache ALL week end. Still bleeding. My emotions are back in check..... they have been out of whack for several weeks. Depression..... crying...... I pretty much keep it to myself. My partner at work is a 39 yr. old male. Most of the people I deal with in my business are male. I try very hard to wear a professional, confident face when I am in meetings or talking to clients. Its hard. I am forgetful, tired, sad and very out of sorts. People expect so much from you, when you are a woman. When you have always kept the ball rolling... the house in order... the shopping and laundry done... the house clean.... the entertaining wonderful.... the kids happy... the husband content... And NOW.... now you just can't anymore. But that does not end the expectations others put on you. Then you walk around feeling like you are disappointing everyone. Have you ever heard your husband say "You NEVER feel good!" Well... I really dont. Not now. I will... again... hopefully. But just not now!And so it continues..............I have been having better days and always am optimistic that I am on the upswing. The past six months have been very hard, but I know things will get better at some point. This is really not much fun.

Kris wrote:!And so it continues..............I have been having better days and always am optimistic that I am on the upswing. The past six months have been very hard, but I know things will get better at some point. This is really not much fun.

No, it isn't much fun.. but hey, we do have things to look forward to!! Not having to use birth control anymore, no more periods (as soon as this unexplained spotting goes away, anyway) And for those of us that have them... Grandchildren!! They are such a delight, aren't they?

We'll get through this, and best of all we have Minnie and all the gals here to help get us through the worst of times. It WILL get better Kris!

i am very glad you posted the original post.....that is EXACTLY how i feel so much of the time. every single bit of it except for i havent had a period in about four years. i thought by this point i would be enjoying my fifties like so many women say they do. instead, i am on a constant mental and physical roller coaster that i have yet to find a doctor who understands. i think i have a rep in this town for being a hypochondriac, and a complainer (when i bitch about the high prices i am charged with no insurance) but yet at the same time, none of them have run any tests and i do feel its because of just that..the lack of insurance.right now, im in a good phase....but im on edge wondering how long it will last this time........

It always does get better, doesn't it? I also have to agree about our grandbabies...... they are an accumulation of all the good things in life you have waited for... all bundled into tiny bodies! My little Ellie brings me joy I never could have imagined. I have a picture of her at the pumpkin patch, riding a little tractor..... with a smile on her face that makes my heart burst with love everytime I look at it!

I am having better days. I am STILL on my period, or spotting or bleeding or spotting or whatever my darn body is doing. I know my Doctor is going to want to put me on Provera.... which will mean more bleeding, etc. I really am just tired of all the bleeding. Most of the yucky PMS symptoms have subsided.... the depression.. the body aches.... the cloudy head.... the horrid fatigue. I did make plans to go out Friday night and I am even kinda looking forward to it all.

All these new feelings I am having are very interesting to me. I love to be around people,,, love to entertain. Now I just sit back and watch others laughing and having fun. I feel like I am not a participant in life right now. Its all very strange. I am putting things off at work that are very important to the welfare of my company. I think alot about "What if........ " I have not been a catastrophic thinker. Thats not my norm..... but it is now. My tolerance levels are very low.

So tell me, someone...... When does that "Peaceful, easy feelin' you get at midlife kick in? I am thinking it was some kind of a sorry joke.... that is ending up not being very funny. I am saying that sarcastically....... but I guess when you let go of all the spaz attacks you have as a younger person.... you get a whole new set of worries! LOL! My dear mom had severe rheumatoid arthritis for 25 years before she died... she was crippled and her hands and body always hurt. She used to always laugh and say "I wonder why they call it the Golden Years?" She never complained. She has always been my hero.

I'm not going to lie to anyone...once you're over the menopause issues, then you have to deal with the aging issues----UNLESS you were pretty healthy before and during menopause! If you were good about eating right and exercising, you will probably have a great time through your "golden years". But if (like me) you smoked and became overweight and stopped moving your body, then it's not a pretty picture. We have no one to blame but ourselves and have to work harder at becoming as healthy as possible. We still need to hang in there together and support each other. I guess I'm saying some things get better after menopause but other things kind of sneak up on us! Sorry.

Kris....I'm thinking you'll be feeling better soon once your hormones are in balance again...let us know!

Minnie, I sure don't look forward to the aging issues either. Especially with my husband of 16 years being 14 years younger than myself. So far it hasn't been an issue at all. I am thinking most of the people without aging issues must have planned ahead when they were about 14, or have extremely good genes.

Hey, what is weird is I am noticing a lot of athletic people our age having to have their knees replaced from overuse. I don't have that problem since I hardly ever used them except normal activities and some walking to tell the truth. Other than being overweight, luckily I'm healthy as a horse. (But like you said, it is still an issue and I've seen that can change in an instant with a bad diagnosis from the doctor)) I'm knocking on wood that won't happen!!