it's a new year and I'm experimenting, especially since there are 4, (count them, 4) new babies in our family in the past 6 months, I think it high time to start putting down some of our family history. We'll see how it works out.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

get it over with

I didn't know where to put this is, and in fact, I'm not sure now is the right time but I'm not sure where else to put it. So let's get this over with.

So, his name is not important, I'm not sure I want to give him that much credit. He's the father to the three of us and there is not a time that I can remember him really being there for us. The first memory I have of him is at an apartment in Modesto on what I believe was a 2nd story. The apartment had some Elvis paraphenalia, that followed him from place to place whenever he moved to a new apartment or home. He teased me for drinking my milk with my pinky out, something I didn't even realize I did. Jason and Elizabeth were there as well, we weren't there for too long though. This is one of the better memories, I knew that he had just come back from "somewhere" (most likely, rehab or jail) and he "wanted to be a bigger part of our lives." I don't think there was any moment we believed it, but we really wanted to.

We had a very good life, but the times when he popped in and out were hard on all of us. Elizabeth and I had a tough time with it because what little girl doesn't want her daddy there? Jason though, he suffered. It was hard on him in a different way, it seemed as though he felt he needed to take the place of the "dad" figure and still be a big brother and be a kid. It's a difficult balance and he took it very seriously, sometimes we girls hated it. More than once I told him that he "wasn't my dad!" I could tell it hurt him because he tried so hard to really make a difference for us. We knew over time that our father would make promises he could never keep. He would promise to come to Christmas at his parents, or a birthday party, or even graduation.

He was absent, maybe that was the worst part. His life and his time was more important than anyone else's, even his kids'. I remember sitting once in a small room in or near Mt. Hermon, how I knew that I'm not sure- but there was a parrot there, it was a bit dark and I just waited. Waiting for my mom to come. I don't know how old I was (I do know I was very young) or even if it was possible for me to have a memory like this one at such a young age. This is how much of our time with our dad was though. It was us, waiting or hoping to go home and being in a new, different,and sometimes somewhat scary place.

It was easy to see why my mother fell for him in the first place though, he was somewhat handsome and had eyes that were understanding. Little did she and those closest to her know that those eyes understood one thing, people and how to control them. The best word for him is con-man. He tricked people into believing he was something that he wasn't. He had an elaborate story for everything and it was always perfect and romantic. His persona sucked you in, he was charming and always knew how to make an individual feel like they were the only one important to him.

He tried sometimes. When he married his 2nd wife, we were not invited. He said that he would have another wedding, on the beach somewhere and we'd get to come and wear fancy clothes and it would be a very special day. She already had a daughter, one wise beyond her years and though I only met her a couple times, she was always sweet. She died at a very young age during heart surgery, that was what I was told. I still believe that now, amidst all the other lies, this just didn't seem like it could be one of them. It seemed as though once her daughter passed away, she didn't want to be around us either. It may have been just too hard for her or that she simply wasn't interested, but our father used this as an excuse not to see us as well. It didn't help that he didn't have a license but that also was used as an excuse. When we did see him, he seemed not to understand us at all, which isn't all that strange beings that the amount of time we spent with him was so little. We were essentially strangers and like he did with strangers, he tried to impress us. He didn't have much to show for it all, but somehow we always played into it, it was awkward when we didn't. So we just did.

This is simply the beginning. It was the beginning of a life trying to figure things out, and sometimes, I still don't understand. Trying to get it all now would be too much for anyone, luckily we had so many people to support us. We'll be revisting this later. For now, we're blessed.