It’s OK Not to Share, to Play With Guns, & Not to Say Sorry

When my son was in preschool his teacher took me aside. He had mentioned to a friend that he had a toy gun. The teacher disapproved, aghast that any forward-thinking parent would allow a child to play with a toy weapon. But a new book by Heather Shumaker, a writer and mom of two who is guesting on this blog today, actually shows that it’s okay for kids to play with guns and swords. Guess what? Social science research confirms what many a seasoned parent already knows: that playing with a toy gun won’t make your child into an axe murderer! And if your three-year-old refuses to share his toys, he’s not going to become a stingy adult! (Think about it, would you really let someone you just met drive your car?).

Heather’s new book, It’s OK Not to Share, which I can’t wait to read, turns conventional parenting advice on its head, arguing that it’s okay for kids to roughhouse, not to say sorry, and engage in all sorts of other behaviors usually thought of as “bad.” Read on to hear about how Heather turned her idea for the book into reality and how to win a copy!

How I Came to Write It’s OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids

I first met Jennifer at an ASJA conference in New York in 2010 when I drew her name as my mentor. We were both far from home, both with little kids left in someone else’s care.

“You’ve got a great idea for a book here,” she said. “But…” she picked up her pen and started striking out sentences. “This query letter definitely needs some work.”

Well, I worked on it. By the next time ASJA rolled around, I had an agent who was passionate about my book. At the time, it was called Boxing at Preschool, but now that it’s being published, the book’s title is It’s OK Not to Share … And Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids (Tarcher/ Penguin 2012).

I wrote the book while raising two young kids, working part-time about 20 hours a week. The path from book idea to book was slow (I did my first interview when my oldest child was an infant; he’s now 7), but the book writing itself was incredibly fast. The contract gave me 8 months to turn in a manuscript, but part way along, my editor called and asked if I could finish it 2 months early. So now I know it’s possible to write a book in 6 months.

I’ve been helped by many ASJA authors and other writers along the way. Some I met just briefly – in the airport coming home, chatting on a coffee break – but still those ties linger over the years and they all saw potential in the book. One introduced me to her agent, another wrote a blurb for the book’s cover. The camaraderie of writers helping writers has been marvelous.

So here’s what everyone has helped me to produce: an unorthodox parenting book that flips most old standards upside down. It may be the only parenting book that advises parents to let their kids swear, hog their toys and hit other kids (advice all based in good science and child development, of course). The table of contents looks like this:

Heather Shumaker, who says it’s OK not to share, makes her home in northern Michigan, with her husband, three chickens and two children. Photo courtesy of Heather Shumaker.

Kids don’t have to say ‘sorry’

It’s OK not to share

‘I hate you’ is nothing personal

Only punch friends

Boys can wear tutus

Kids need conflict

Despite what you might think reading these chapter titles, the book is all about human rights and respect. For kids have rights adults often ignore – simple things, like the right to move their bodies (“stop that and sit down!”) the right to choose their own play ideas (“that’s not a gun, that’s a magic wand”) and the right to keep using a toy they are busy playing with (“be nice and share!”).

The book’s message seems to be hitting a nerve in our culture, a culture that currently allows toys to grow dusty in kindergarten classrooms and gives kids homework as young as three. In America today there seems to be a general distrust of childhood, including a child’s right to have time to play, to be outdoors, to choose their own playmates and play ideas.

In the rush to academics we’re skipping over the two main jobs of preschoolers: learning how to resolve conflicts and coping with their intense emotions appropriately. Mastering these complex skills are what being a civilized human is all about. It takes practice. And free, unstructured play gives the best opportunities for practice.

I’m glad a mother like Jennifer was one of the first people to see potential in It’s OK Not to Share, and despite its title, I’m glad to share it with you. ~Heather Shumaker

This is a Spotlight Saturday post. Spotlight Saturdays showcase books and authors—both contemporary and classic. If you’re a published author with a new book coming out and you are interested in being showcased on JenniferMargulis.net, please ask your publicist to contact us.

Comments

One of my best renegade parent ideas, which I have put into practice, was to avoid preschool all together and homeschool my children who were all uncomfortable around other children to begin with. Despite many people in public & in my own family & friend set being certain I was going to prevent them from ever being socially comfortable, all three of my girls are very socially comfortable and now ask to be in classes with other children instead of crying & clinging. I had the audacity to listen to my children’s behavior and vocalizations and give them the time they wanted before putting them in more socially challenging situations. I plan to do the same – listen & make a decision based on him & his personality – with my 6-month-old son.

As an only child (and mother of an only), I was told constantly that I would have to work extra hard to prove that I was NOT selfish and stingy. Needless to add, I am overly generous and sometimes I suffer for that. So I am very interested in hearing the author’s take on why it’s ok not to share 🙂

I once read a comment that perhaps the reason we don’t remember our early childhood is because it would be too painful to remember being so out of control of our lives.
I’m not big on 1000 rules for everything from when to get up / go to bed, when to play what, all that. Our only hard fast rule is to treat others respectfully. State your opinion, don’t share your things, whatever, but don’t belittle or abuse others, and don’t tolerate others doing that to you. Funny thing, I’ve met so many kids that live in regimented “alternative” homes, with no guns, no plastic, no candy, no this, no that, and their social skills are terrible – bullying, rude, physically aggressive. But those interactions are important too, within reason. My daughter learned far more about empathy from having been bullied herself than she ever did from my nagging.
This sounds like a great book, looking forward to reading it.

Can’t wait to read this book. My 16 mo was at the park when a wo year old did ot want to share his ball. The mom was trying to get him to share and mentioned that he was also teething, and this was the reason for his behavior. It was escruciating for the little boy, and I kept telling her it as ok, that it was not important for my son to play with it. He was interested in other things too and his mind could be diverted. She kept insisting, and it was so painful to watch. I wonder how I myself might handle the concept of sharing. It seems like a very difficult concept.

This book sounds great! Can’t wait to read it! I often think I am crazy for encouraging my kids to roughhouse or buying my boy pink sheepskin boots at his request. I generally stay out of it when my kids argue about something…shouldn’t they work it out for themselves? And recently we made a new house rule: No Sharing! If you are playing with it, that’s that. When you are done the other person can have it. This applies to my 14 month old as well. Believe it or not it’s a lot more peaceful around here because no one is on edge about someone taking their toy!

Coming from the perspective of a family with five children (9,7,5,3,1) and since our oldest is the only boy I agree with her premise. With 4 girls and 1 boy we have some fun times when they play for sure. Being a home schooling family we are the odd one out for many common practices. We don’t think preschool is “essential” and we have more conservative and realistic rules for our family. We have two sisters that love to play guns, swords, kung fu, and everything else with their brother (most days). I would have to say that we really only have one odd rule. “No sticks/ balls/ projectiles in the yard when the chickens are out. Since we live in the city and our 2 backyard chickens don’t like being hit by random objects we have that rule. My youngest is almost 2 and she has been “shooting” a gun at the siblings for 6 months when she plays with them. I’m looking forward to reading about and on the perspective she brings to this topic.

The other day my sister, who means very well and is not a parent herself, asked my barely three-year old if she was going to share the cheese she was was eating. My daughter replied, “no, but you can have your own.” I was so happy.

I feel like my own upbringing put so heavy an emphasis on pleasing/ making way for/ not bothering others that I am very challenged to do things that I need to do to protect my interests (when I was younger even my body). I want to read this book. I want my daughter to be able to say no when that’s how she feels.

I love the chapters and can’t wait to read more!! I let my 3 boys have any type of toy whether it is a “girl” or “boy” toy. Many people arr surprised we are ok w them having a disney princess stroller but they love it!

Mine is to let my son be who he is. He likes cars and swords as well as dolls and playing dress up. He loves to have me paint his nails and although other adults think it’s horrible (apparently I’m making him gay by not forcing him to fit into narrow gender roles) I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. He’s happy and it’s not hurting anyone.

I would really be interested in reading this. My son is only 9 months old, but we’ve already seen the wisdom in following his cues for what he needs instead of the idea of having a set schedule. Can’t wait to see how our parenting approach works out as he gets older!

This book sounds like it would be really good to read. I guess what comes to mind for me was when my son was around 2 years old he would play dress up. We spent a lot of time at my grandparents and he would walk in my grandmas shoes, put on her necklaces and even asked her to paint his nails. My grandpa would always wave and say “Hi there”, so my son mimicked. And everyone I knew (besides my grandparents) had something to say about my son playing “like a girl”. I’m not for gender stereotyping my children, so my son who is now 7 is free to play kitchen/house with my friends kids, or rough house with my husband or other kids in my neighborhood.

I try to encourage my kids to share, but I’m not going to force them to in many situations. If my older daughter doesn’t want her sister to play with a special toy, that’s fine. She can’t taunt her sister with it, however. We just tell her that her sister is really interested in that toy, and if she’s not going to share it with her, then she needs to play with it privately.

I can’t wait to read this. I always wonder where these “rules of society” come from. As adults there are very few of these rules we follow but children are expected to behave in accordance, what is wrong with this picture?
We have a hitting rule: If you are hitting or biting your siblings you can expect for them to return the favour. As an adult I wouldn’t stand around spouting words in hopes that a bully leaves me alone, I would act, as I expect our children to do too. I am sure it upsets some parents but I am not going to be there in every moment to mediate and solving problems isn’t always done with words.

Let kids be kids, encourage them to explore, get dirty, use their imagination (like using a stick for a gun) making sure they are safe without hovering and try not to scare them with “lies” like the boogey man for your own convenience……

I guess we have a lot of renegade rules…
The kids wear what they want…even if they look exasperating, they ate neot forced to eat anything, try yes, eat no, we don’t have a schedule, they sometimes swear, they have knives and guns, the boys play with fairy wings and tutus with their lil sister and then go out in the field with their air soft guns…one rule we stick to is they must wear proper gear when air softing, or riding quads and motorcycles while being respectful of others property (I guess that is 2 rules)…
I teach high school…and we don’t follow rules in the classroom either, we make it real world, because that is where they are headed!

I would love this book. We have our fair share of “renegade rules” but my kids play with toy weapons, rough house and play hard. They are always coming up with creative crazy things to do like dissect bees and build cemeteries in the back yard. And playing like that teaches them so much more than sitting still and watching TV ever would. It is ok to be a busy silly kid.

Times have changed but children haven’t. Boys will still be boys and the same for girls. Children aren’t adults and we expect them to be, when we shouldn’t. They need to figure somethings out on their own and with a little guidance from us sometimes. If we restrict them too much, that’s where some retaliation comes in a little older, for some kids and it totally backfires. I’d love to see another perspective this.

So intrigued by this book. It would definitely come in handy with my two boys, one of whom is always testing the limits. I think my renegade rule is I allow my children to have candy or treats almost daily. Depriving them of something special will only make them want it more!

Sounds like a very interesting book. I’m glad to know about it. When my son was preschool-aged we were lucky enough to live a few blocks from the fabulous play-based preschool, El Cerrito Preschool Cooperative. One renegade rule I loved and took home was to let kids do things until they are done–in other words no taking turns expected. Though taking turns has the reputation of being respectful and considerate, I think the opposite is much more so. Let kids explore/experiment/play all the way through their curiosity or vision. So if someone said, “Can I have a turn?” “I’m not done yet,” was a perfectly acceptable response. No discussion about when they’ll be done necessary. Really it’s one more antidote to this short-attention-span world.

I definitely made my own rules as a parent and I think that we each need to consider own children and create rules and a framework that works for them and for our own personalities and beliefs. There was no Santa, Easter Bunny, time outs, groundings, or curfews in this house and my kids are amazingly accomplished adults and teens.

I wish my mom had read a book like this. I remember how I hated having her friend’s kids for visits, demanding that I share my precious babies (dolls) and all my toys with them. As a result I could never enforce this sharing obligation on my kids. They are today competent young people with families of their own and I can see no ill effect of my “carelessness” in them. In fact they are sensitive towards other people and well liked by most.

I’ve intrigued by this for many reasons. Just yesterday I forced myself to stay seated on a playground bench so my kid could solve a problem on her own. Kids were climbing up the slide the wrong way, blocking her from coming down. I sooooo wanted to tell those girls to get out of the way and follow the slide rules. But instead I coached my daughter to shout, “Excuuuuuse me!” when she was ready to come down. As it turned out, she shouted, “Get out of the way!” Whatever, it worked. I clapped and gave her a standing ovation. I wasn’t sure if I did the right thing or not.

Ooh, I can’t wait to read this! I know that forcing my boys to do anything MY way always has bad results, but so often I have no idea what the alternative is. It’s hard to watch them make bad choices or be rude. I know I need to relax a little, so hopefully this will help.

I would love to read this. My baby girl is only 4 months old but we’re working very hard at paying attention to her cues and not dictating a schedule. She naps when she’s tired and goes to bed when she’s tired, not at predetermined times. So far motherhood has been great and we haven’t experienced any sleep issues.

I would like to teach her to stand up for herself. I was brought up to share and say I’m sorry all the time. While I think some of that is good manners it also raises people pleasers which can be a struggle as an adult.

I love your vision. My kids are 6 and almost 8. It has always driven me crazy at play groups when I hear someone say “.. you need to share that…”. No they don’t. I don’t like to share my things all the time, why should they? On the other hand, asking to play with it when they are done is ok, just be open to No. We did do preschool, at a school with no letter learning. It was all about tactile things, painting, stacking, swinging, free play, sticking your hands in ooey gooey stuff… The woman who ran it said do not buy new clothes for preschool, they will be getting dirty and messy here. She also taught us not to say Good Job.

In my house, there is no such thing as “girl” toys or “boy” toys. My sons have an Easy-Bake oven and a Baby Alive doll. They also do a lot of craft type things that are marketed toward girls. My 4 year old and I even paint each other toenails. They’re kids, if it’s a toy they’re
going to love it.

THE CONTEST IS OVER. THE WINNER IS KYNA. I WILL BE CONTACTING YOU OFF-LIST BUT IF YOU CHECK BACK, COULD YOU PLEASE EMAIL ME YOUR ADDRESS ([email protected]) SO WE CAN GET A SIGNED COPY OF THE BOOK IN THE MAIL TO YOU ASAP?!

Thank you so much to everyone for participating!

I hope you’ll buy a copy of this book or ask your local library to order it if money is tight (that’s what we do so we can read it and share it with the community!)

Thanks for visiting my blog.

Come back soon!!

And thank you to Heather and Scribner for making this give-away possible.