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A new shell…

This is my life book. It has been by my side for almost 6 years now. It is always near me. I carry it in my bag and it’s rare the two of us are far apart. When I get to work, I take it out of my bag and set it next to my computer.

It’s tattered, torn and hanging by a thread, but you know what – it’s full of so much love. Inside this book are my ideas. Those pop in your head, don’t want to lose them ideas. It has over 5 years of finances carefully listed and checked off month after month. It has party invites, my step son’s 8th grade graduation program, Mermaid’s official pathology report from September 2015, a picture of a friend I just lost, stuck through the back pages is a guardian angel pin gifted to me. Some of the pages are burnt as I was writing in it one night by the fire when I was pregnant and a hot ash caught it on fire. It holds a card my husband made me, a goodbye note from a Physician & friend I highly respected that moved away, a list of all the places I want to visit and a recipe my Mom hand wrote.

Just last week the entire cover started tearing off and I taped it up with scotch tape. One would think I could just go buy a new one but it holds sentimental value. As I was taping it up I thought to myself, this is kind of like my life right now. Barely held together, full of so much love, but in need of a new shell.

You see, these past few weeks have been more trying than I can even begin to explain. Mermaid had what I thought was nevus starting to grow on her face, the moment it started to bleed I finally took her to urgent care, with no answers we were led back to dermatology and thank the Lord, it just ended up being eczema but we are now battling that. I have had some challenges at work and been faced with making very difficult decisions, I have had to allow myself to be vulnerable, fight anxiety and search within for what was the right thing to do. A few days ago I woke up overcome with grief. I sat down in the shower and sobbed, missing my friend who passed a few months ago. Her passing is still fresh and has completely altered my life. I barely made it to work and while there, I wished I cold just get in my car and drive to heaven to have a cup of coffee with her. That being completely unrealistic, I contemplated driving anywhere, just going, clear my head, but I didn’t. I stayed, I held up my responsibilities and tried to power through.

Mid-week I told myself to shake it off. I have so many blessings and hard times will come and go. Find a new shell.

That morning when I got to work, there was a package from a friend. It contained a Mermaid journal, a coffee card and a letter with 9 reasons why she sent it to me. So once again, I sat there crying. This time, happy tears. She spoke to work, my Mermaid and the loss of my friend, but #9 was my favorite. “Just because!”

She didn’t know about my life book until I told her that morning, she just knew I was struggling to find peace.

She gave me my new shell.

When I told her how much it meant, she kindly said “See, people are listening.”

It’s easy to forget our blessings, to dwell and struggle to find our footing; and that’s ok because somewhere along the way, something small will remind you. Give you a breathe of fresh air and a chance to start new.

I put some of my hard decisions in motion, I started yet another nightly routine for Mermaid’s skin and I talked to my friend driving home that day. Ok, so I talked to myself, but I know she heard me. I told her to help me find a way to let go, not forget, just let the grief go.

Yesterday Mermaid was suppose to be cleaning her room but instead she made me a bracelet. She was so proud of herself and asked me to wear it to work. When we got home today she found it on the table and said “Mommy, you forgot to wear your bracelet to work” – ashamed, I apologized. A few minutes later she came out of her room with a different bracelet and said it’s ok, you can wear this one, it’s your favorite. This was not my favorite bracelet, it’s not even mine, it’s hers. She can’t possibly remember where it came from and why she said that, or chose it, I can’t explain; but I remember where it came from. A few year’s back, my friend that passed, gave it to her while we were visiting in Seattle. Maybe it was her small way of reminding me of the good times, telling me it’s ok and that she heard me.

This weekend as I transfer my life book to it’s new shell I will embrace the new beginning and here are 9 reasons why:

1.Because I have an amazing family that supports my every move.

2.Because I know deep down inside, the hardest decisions are often the right decisions.

3.Because as of now, Mermaid has no complications as a result of her disease & we can jump any other hurdles thrown our way.

4.Because I have 18 amazing years of memories with my late friend to smile about, not cry about.

5.Because when we think nobody is listening, they are.

6.Because today, I felt the sunshine on my face for the first time in a while and it reminded me that the clouds always clear.

7.Because the positives I gain through work outweigh all the negatives.

8.Because I am slowly learning, 35 years into this life, that it’s ok to stumble as long as you get back up.

and

9. Just Because!

My Dear Kathy – I thank you for my new shell and your humorous but powerful words. I thank you for listening. I thank you for reminding me of the good. My promise to you is to listen to someone else, and when they least expect it, send them a new shell.