Case Number 02005: Small Claims Court

TEENAGE CAVEMAN

The Charge

The future sucks.

The Case

Teenage Caveman is the story of children doing naughty things in a
post "environmental" apocalyptic future. Apparently, most of earth has
been wiped out, though humans still live in caves with religious zealots who
control their desires and fantasies. When a group of teenagers escape their cave
dwellings and head for the hills (in this case, the long deserted city of
Seattle), they run into the sexy Neil (Richard Hillman) and Judith (the horrid
Tiffany Limos) who live in a palace complete with computers, televisions, and
other past amenities that made life grand. From here, the kids also learn about
the joys and disasters of sex: in one scene, almost everyone gets butt naked and
shags the night away in a steaming whirlpool. Soon those who participated in the
orgy begin to feel a might bit strange due in part to a virus that's been passed
to them from their new and sexy hosts! Only David (Andrew Keegan) and his lover
Sarah (Tara Subkoff) are healthy -- and it's up to them to find out what's up
with Neil and Judith before everyone becomes prehistoric lunchmeat!

Teenage Caveman was apparently based on a cheapie B-movie of the same
name from 1958, universally reviled as a very good "bad" movie. It
must look like Star Wars in comparison to its 2001 counterpart. For those
who don't know who director Larry Clark is, let me initiate you: he's the guy
that helmed the über-disturbing Kids and the teenage tit-fest
Bully. Clark seems to have a fetish for young people's butts, boobs, and
bodies -- so much so that I am surprised Teenage Caveman is marketed as a
horror-sci-fi flick instead of a late night Cinemax sex show. The fourth in
special effects master Stan Winston's "Creature Features" movie series
(five in total), Teenage Caveman is easily the worst film of the series
thus far (I try to keep telling myself one more to go...one more to go...one
more to go...). Those expecting anything other than a few CGI gore scenes and
enough nudity to shame Adam and Eve will be sorely disappointed -- Teenage
Caveman meanders along as a dramatic talkie for most of its running time,
pausing periodically to let the characters disrobe in a hot tub and fool around.
I wonder if the actors realize that a starring role in this film isn't going to
do much for their respective Hollywood careers. Andrew Keegan plays the lead
cave dweller with all the charisma of a yam. Complimenting his performance is
the nearly anorexic Tara Subkoff as his effectively bland love interest. The
only actor with a shred of real excitement is Richard Hillman (Detroit Rock
City) as a genetically supercharged human who thinks it's fashionable to
wear the front of his hair in a vertical ponytail. Like the rest of the flicks
in this series, Teenage Caveman waits far too long to bring out the
titular title beast -- by the time one of the characters turns into a drooling
"teenage caveman," everyone within earshot of the film has already
lost interest.

Teenage Caveman is presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen. With a
fairly solid array of colors and black levels, this picture presentation looks
better than expected. Aside of a few instances of edge enhancement and
artifacting, this transfer should please fans of schlock cinema everywhere. The
soundtrack is presented in Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround in English and is also
very well produced. The film utilizes a good amount of directional effects,
filtering most of them though both the front and rear channels throughout the
entire presentation. Also included on this disc are subtitles in English,
French, Spanish, Portuguese, Chinese, Korean, and Thai (those Koreans...they
sure do love their Teenage Caveman). The extra features on Teenage
Caveman are thankfully kept to a bare minimum; included on this disc is a
short and pointless behind-the-scenes featurette (clocking in around two
minutes), a few galleries of conceptual sketches, production stills, and other
images, and theatrical trailers for more "Creature Feature" movies and
two other Columbia horror titles (Bram Stoker's Dracula and Urban
Legends: Final Cut).