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The poster attempts to familiarize visitors with the traditional Japanese reaction to foreigners− scowling in a thoroughly sour manner followed by the slow but deliberate unveiling of a weapon.

Older or more formal Japanese may further punctuate this greeting by spitting into your eye. Although some regional variations exist. For instance, in Northern Japan the spitting is generally substituted with a punch in the throat. While residents of Japan's Southern island of Kyushu are more inclined to urinate onto your person.

Previously, Narita airport employed live greeters to intimidate intruders welcome visitors in person. However, following the economic downturn, arrivals have had to make due instead with these illustrations.

Other posters in the Yokoso! Japan series depict a geisha flicking a tourist's ear with her thumb and forefinger, and the emperor tearing a backpacker a new a-hole.

I recently paid a visit to Akihabara to pick-up a DVD player. As one might expect, I quickly followed up this purchase with a visit to the nearest porn shop. An unimaginable selection of DVDs awaited me inside Fetish World. All neatly sorted by genre, including, but not limited to:

And, on the unlikelihood of finding Fetish World lacking, they even provided a guest book at the entrance for comments and suggestions. The diminutive gentleman ahead of me left this polite request for plus++ sized fish-net stockings.

Let me say right off that I do not advocate the consumption of whale meat (battered nor otherwise).

Firstly, you do not get to select your kill from a giant tank of fresh whales. Apparently, the majestic beast was slaughtered far, far away from my table (they really should have made this clear when I called to make the reservation).

Secondly, whales do not taste like chicken. More like beef that has been left to soak overnight in a bucket of chum.

High-tech toilet manufacturer Toto Ltd., has admitted more than two dozen instances of malfunctioning thrones. Unfortunate victims reported seats which began giving off smoke, and, in three extreme cases, actually went up in flames.

At this point, you're asking yourself just how the fuck a toilet catches fire. Aren't they all just porcelain, plastic and water?

Not here in Japan.

Japanese toilets are incredibly sophisticated, with features such as multi-stream bidets, temperature controlled seating, ambient lighting, and blow-drying action. Of course, these are just the standard options. A fully tricked-out Toto toilet (model S5000 in Cotton White) recently defeated Garry Kasparov in a best-of-seven chess series.

So this latest development comes as no surprise to those of us dumping in the land of the rising sun. It was really just a matter of time before the toilet learned to fight back.

Toto is scrambling to rectify the situation with free checks and repairs for all affected model numbers. I highly recommend you take them up on their offer.

Jikei Hospital in Japan has begun installation of the country's first 'baby hatch'. Once launched, bored mothers will be able to deposit their unwanted babies in complete anonymity. The hatch comes furnished with incubator, monitoring camera, and fire-extinguishing sprinkler. It is hoped the device will save the social lives of countless young women each year.

In response, the Salvation Army announced they would one-up the hospital with their own plan to accept donations of both newborns and elderly. Explained Etsuo Susuki, Salvation Army Lieutenant Tokyo Prefecture, "We aim to be a one-stop drop-off for all your parental and filial obligations".

When asked whether he expected a dramatic increase in foot traffic to their local thrift stores, Lieutenant Suzuki predicted, "brisk" business on the baby end, but "sluggish" sales of the aged given "they can be difficult to retrain and, in all honesty, are not nearly as cute once fully grown".

Retailing analysts offered a more dire forecast, pointing out that Japan currently leads the world in surplus senior citizens.

Ever the optimist, Lieutenant Suzuki noted that the Salvation Army was also facing stockpiles of argyle sweaters, polyester slacks and sensible shoes. Hinting at a possible retail strategy that would see a 3-piece outfit included with every geezer sold.