Tag: children

How to Tell Your Kids – What’s Sex?

And there it comes the moment your children are not children anymore. Technically they’re still children, and they’re your children, but they’re not children children anymore, you feel me?

The noises from our bedroom, sometimes we can’t just stop this. It doesn’t work like that. It’s human nature. And children may hear something. Because children first of all hate sleeping, and second-able, little brats love snooping around and overhearing conversations. They’re exploring the new world and who can blame them, nosy motherfuckers.

But a responsible parent will ask himself this question: “How to tactfully tell my baby that I’m fucking mommy?”

Without dealing permanent damage to the kid, of course. Well, what a question. I don’t think there’s an universal law about this. Being vulgar and explaining biology to your own kin using bad words and profanity I think is the worst way to do it.

I for example never asked anyone. I just figured that out myself. Internet and my outside environment, friends and school taught me everything I needed to know. But again, it’s different. Some kids will directly ask why is daddy beating mommy and mommy’s screaming. Go explain that you’re beating her with your c*ck. That’s a crappy situation indeed.

The “birds and the bees” talk is one that parents often delay as long as possible. Learning about sex is a normal part of every child’s development, and “answering your little brat’s questions in an honest way is the best strategy”… they say in blogs in forums.

Yes, you can read about that in every single website out there because what websites do is — a bunch of editors with skinny funny fingers just copy material one from each other, which is just pathetic. But that’s not every single blog out there! This is HOW TO WHATEVER, the greatest place on Earth!

You came here to learn, and you came here to see a different opinion, and find a solution to your life troubles! You didn’t come here to get your situation sugar-coated by a dude. You came here to become better! Not stay an idiot.

So what’s the best play here?

It’s difficult not to cringe when your daughter asks you for a first time what’s “an anal bead”, or is “Alabama hot pocket” a delicious fucking meal. No, it’s not.

And don’t fucking ask me next time. Jesus fucking christ. You have the internet, darling.

Explaining your children cringe-worthy sexual stuff is a great way to make them feel so uncomfortable and never ask you anything again; never share anything with you. Even when they grow old. I’m pretty sure your daughter won’t be expecting to hear how that Alabama hot pocket is made. By opening up the lips and taking a shit inside. You just went and ruined your own girl’s innocence by explaining to her what an Alabama hot fucking pocket is. “You just open up mommy’s bird, and you take a shit inside.” No. You just don’t explain that to your children. And I don’t think there’s a proper way to explain that. You can’t just substitute words. You can’t say shit is chocolate, because it’s not. You can’t explain that your doongle is just a long stick that’s poking mommy and making her cream all around.

So just tell them to check themselves. 6-year old kids now browse the internet. It’s the 2018, christ. So just let them Google it. They’ll be embarrassed, but at least they’d be embarrassed at themselves, not at yourself. It won’t be directed toward you. And I’m pretty sure they’ll either never Google that again, not in the next 5 years at least, or they will be intrigued and read more, educate themselves. So next time, instead of asking you, they’ll just read. Reading is good. Nobody reads anymore, which is sad. Here, two bunnies with one bullet. You just not only educated your child by doing exactly nothing, but also showed him how to learn himself, herself. Student’s love. Nothing better than feeling the greatest feel in the world, that you did, or learned something by yourself.

And, maybe it’s three bunnies with one bullet. Because asking weird stuff is never okay. Imagine your son asking the school teacher “what’s fucking”? Kids should know what being diplomatic, delicate, discreet is. And again, if not the internet, friends will teach your lil’ brat. Better than you teaching him. When he or she grows, yeah, you can talk. If they initiate it first. But don’t invade anyone’s privacy just for the “sake of education”.

And relax. Don’t start cussing at me yet. I’m pretty sure around 98.5% of the people around the world got their information from friends, not family. What about orphans?

Relax, bro. Everything’s gonna be fine. Everything’s gonna fall on its place. They have sex classes in some of the schools nowadays. I had one, but I already knew it all.

The nature has a weird way of auto correcting everything. A great balancing mechanism that never leaves anyone not knowing basic things.

And your kid’s probably reading this blog now. If not, tell your kid to read. So it can understand, mommy’s screaming cos’ she’s happy, not because she’s hurting.