The Selfish Shabbat

I hardly believed in God's existence when I started to observe Shabbat. My observance began for one reason only: I was selfish.

I wish I could say that I began to observe Shabbat because I'm such a spiritual person and yearned desperately to connect with God. But that would be a lie. I hardly believed in God's existence when I started to observe Shabbat.

I also wish I could say that I began to observe Shabbat after experiencing really cool things like meditating with the Buddhists and dancing with the Sufis. But that too would be a lie. I didn't search other religions on a quest for spiritual truth before I explored Judaism.

I began to observe Shabbat for only one reason. I was selfish.

I looked around me and saw friends and family who never knew when to stop working. They never stopped pursuing the American Dream. I saw friends who were depressed and wondering, "Is this what life is all about?" But they suppressed the question in various ways because they did not know where to go for answers.

I saw families come apart at the seams, partly due to a commitment to the "pursuit of happiness" (read: financial wealth) at the expense of a commitment to family life and spiritual growth. I saw a country that more and more tragically reflected the consequence of these decisions.

So I began to observe Shabbat, because I wanted a better life.

The Boring Weekend

But first a little background. Until the age of 12, I received a typical Jewish day school education. My family sometimes had Friday night dinners, kept kosher at home, and celebrated major holidays. I loved being Jewish, but Judaism was not really part of my daily life.

After my Bat Mitzvah, most of our observances faded into the background, until I arrived at college. There I was involved with Hillel (where else do you meet the nice Jewish boys?), but I really wasn't interested in Judaism per se. I figured I had been there, done that, and it wasn't very interesting or inspiring. As is often the case with many day school graduates, my childhood knowledge of Judaism did not satisfy the needs of my adult mind. I thought that I knew pretty much all there was to learn.

Then I picked up a book called "Jewish Literacy: The Most Important Things to Know About the Jewish Religion, It's People and Its History" by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin. Everything changed. From that book, I learned that there was a lot I didn't know about Judaism, that there was literally a whole treasure chest of wisdom just waiting for me to open a book or ask a question.

So I asked and asked and asked. I spoke to people from all streams of Judaism: Reconstructionist, Reform, Conservative -- even those crazy Orthodox people that my dad did business with. I went on Jewish learning programs and read and read and read some more. Eventually I couldn't refuse the invitations of our observant friends anymore, so I joined them for Shabbat.

What I saw actually moved me to tears.

I remember the car ride over there, I went through a checklist of things like: "Now, these people are Orthodox, so wear a skirt, watch your language, don't turn lights on and off, and just try to make it through this boring weekend with a smile."

But what I found was anything but boring. What I saw actually moved me to tears. I saw a family, not just a bunch of people related to each other, but a family of people relating to each other. I saw a family truly united by the knowledge that for the next 24 hours, they had no where to go and were thus totally committed to interacting with each other -- no business to conduct, no cooking to do, no phone calls to return.

In the eyes of the children, I saw an innocence and security that I had not seen in the secular world. I saw a satisfaction and relaxation in the parents which is so rare today. With everyone and everything dressed in their Shabbat best, and an atmosphere of total freedom in the air (that is, freedom from the mundane), I then understood why it is said, "More than the Jews have kept the Shabbat -- Shabbat has kept the Jews."

However, admiring Shabbat and keeping all the laws that make the atmosphere so special are two different things. Eventually I decided that I wanted Shabbat in my life, and I wanted it for my future family. So sometime in my junior year of college, I said to an observant friend, "Okay, Sussie. I have good news and bad news: The good news is that I want to start keeping Shabbat. The bad news is that I'm not doing it until after I graduate from college!"

Of all the mitzvot, I wanted Shabbat and only Shabbat -- like an item from a menu. Just Shabbat.

That's when my journey really began, because instead of just reading about Judaism, I started living it, step by step. The first Shabbat after I graduated from college, I didn't go anywhere. I didn't go to the mall, to the movies, or go out with my friends. I stayed home, cooked, built bookshelves and watched TV -- lots of things that an observant Jew wouldn't do on Shabbat! But I didn't go out.

After a few weeks of this, a friend said to me, "Sarah, that's good, but Shabbat isn't just about not doing things. It's also about doing things. Why don't you go to shul next week?"

I was completely lost in a sea of Hebrew.

The next Shabbat, I walked to shul, where I was completely lost in a sea of Hebrew. I just couldn't wait for them to get to some prayers I knew from my childhood, especially "Aleynu," the service's closing prayer. Not because I liked that prayer so much, but because once I heard "Aleynu" I knew the service would be over soon.

I survived the service, but afterward something unexpected happened. Many families, before they even knew my name, invited me over for Shabbat lunch, dinner, Passover and Chanukah next year if I was free! This was a new experience for me. I wondered, "Who are these people and how could they invite me, a stranger, into their home?"

My first reaction was, "Um...can I see some I.D., please?" Later I learned that they were doing something very normal according to the Torah. It is a special mitzvah of hachnasat orchim -- welcoming guests. This mitzvah made my process of observing Shabbat so much easier. I would go home with these families for lunch and enjoy my time there. Then I would go home and turn on all the lights -- just to show that I could!

Over the course of a year, I eventually stopped turning on the lights, stopped using the phone, and became fully Shabbat observant.

I had been true to my vow in college and had accomplished my goal -- I was Shabbat observant. That was where it was supposed to end. But I didn't stop there. Just like a steady drip of water can eventually carve a large boulder, so too Torah can enter the heart of someone as stubborn as me.

After being with Torah observant families every Shabbat for a year, I wanted more. If this one mitzvah could enhance my personal and family life so much, maybe other mitzvot could, too. Of course, I wasn't going to do those mitzvot that I didn't think would enhance my life, or that were too difficult. I told you I was selfish and my observance had nothing to do with God.

I felt like such a hypocrite. I was performing these mitzvot without any faith in God.

But I found I couldn't keep God out of the picture for very long. I felt like such a hypocrite. I was performing these mitzvot without any faith in God, or rather I should say, with overwhelming doubts and fears about the Creator of the universe. Yet I was regularly around families with their beautiful faith and connection to God, and it was time to go deeper. I knew that if I just continued doing the mitzvot I wanted, for me alone, I couldn't sustain all the positive changes I had made in my life, and I certainly wouldn't be able to pass them on to the next generation.

That's when I left for Israel to study at yeshiva. I went on a quest to get my questions answered and break down the walls of doubt and fear standing in the way of my connection with God. The road was long, between who I was when I got on that plane, to the woman I am now, who speaks to God daily to ask Him for strength and guidance.

One Step Closer

These days, I often meet 20-somethings and see in them myself. I want to tell them gently: If you think that you know all there is to know about Judaism, think again. Not even the greatest rabbi knows everything there is to know about Torah. Pick up a book. Or better yet, take a class. Don't rely on your childhood knowledge of Judaism. Make a commitment to study Judaism as an adult. You'll be surprised, both by what you didn't know, and by what you thought you knew.

Start with just one mitzvah.

And for those of you, like me, who find the mitzvot so beautiful, and want to add them to your life but are overwhelmed by their number and complexity, start with just one mitzvah. Learning how to live according to the Torah is not an all-or-nothing proposition. Start wherever you want to. Memorize one blessing and use it. Stop doing housework on Shabbat. Make a commitment to learn more about Torah.

Most importantly, keep on thinking, learning and asking questions. If you take one step closer toward God, then His strength and love, reflected through the mitzvot, will take you the rest of the way.

About the Author

Sarah Zeldman is the co-author of the new ebook "Purim Made Easy: Everything You Need For A Fun Holiday." The ebook contains instructions for over 70 simple, no-sew Purim costumes, shaloch manos tips and more! Find out more at www.EasyPurimGuide.com Sarah is also the creator of SolutionsForBusyMoms.com and SolutionsForJewishMoms.com (coming soon!)

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 17

(15)
Susie,
August 18, 2016 11:19 PM

Beautifully expressed

Sarah, while I've known you from afar for many years, I didn't know 'your story.' Now, even tho we no longer live in the same city, I feel like the you're closer. Best wishes for continued clarity, nachas from your very sweet children and much hatzlocha in whatever life holds for you.

(14)
Sarah,
February 28, 2014 9:22 AM

coincidence ?

I'm not THAT observant yet but similarly, I observed Shabbat for rest, found freedom in rules (oxymoron), and feels attraction towards the road of stricter observance ( like you, I first began observing Shabbat by not going out ). Like u said, everything will lead along naturally. And we share the same name, though I am a Chinese Jew .

Sarah,
March 28, 2014 11:05 AM

Thank you

Thank you for sharing your experience Sarah. Just take it one step at a time!

(13)
Michal,
August 4, 2013 8:57 AM

There are different ways...

Hashem has so many different ways to bring his children home. you are a living proof.

(12)
Gale Torregrossa,
August 2, 2013 4:49 PM

A Beautifyl Story!

Sarah,Thank you for sharing such a heart-warming and beautiful story!

Shabbot Shalom...

(11)
Wassim,
March 11, 2012 1:36 PM

Lovin it

t or ah
change or apathy

(10)
Jonathan Keefe,
June 13, 2007 2:52 PM

I'm Proud of You! Keep Growing!

You should have only continued success and keep learning and growing. Thanks for the great inspiration you gave me.

anon,
March 11, 2012 1:40 PM

great ROSH

t'was your kindness that made it all possible

(9)
Jeffrey Kaplan,
August 29, 2002 12:00 AM

Thank you!!!!!

Thank you for reminding me how I started down this path. Thank you.

(8)
Anonymous,
May 22, 2002 12:00 AM

Such a smooth ride

This was such a pleasure to read. When looked at retrospectively, it seems that the process of taking on a mitzva and expanding your practice was so simple and so smooth. Many people would ask if your singlehood was a factor in joining/becoming part of a warm community, yet you describe your observations and your decisions as though they were made in solitude. In my experience, I always reflected on the guiding principles that were handed down through my own family. The appreciation of the purity of family life especially must have had some previous role model and played a part in your conscious mind. Nonetheless, it is difficult to deny that the contrast between the potential and the actual was apparent to me too. Frumkeit offers an alternative by seemingly practicing what is preached, making a reality of G-d's promises, actualizing the potential which is inherent in life.

It is of interest to me that you re-assessed your "childhood knowledge" when you looked at Judaism through adult eyes. I liked the reader's analogy to a slippery slope.

(7)
Arthur Marion,
May 13, 2002 12:00 AM

Wonderful Article

The "Selfish Shabbat" article ringsa true for so many people. It seem many of us have a"void" period. Hopefully we come back.

(6)
Marc Frost,
May 12, 2002 12:00 AM

great thoughts- i am starting to observe sabbath

Thank you for this interesting passage- I am starting to observe sabbath by not doing anything and going to temple- I am a reform jew and am very interested in keeping this important holiday in my families lives- You have inspired me to keep it going- Thanks

(5)
Zachary Kessin,
May 9, 2002 12:00 AM

For me it was keeping Kosher

I was a 2 day a year Jew 2 years ago. The high holy days were coming up so I decided to go to shul at my old college (Brandeis) for the Conservative minyan there. While standing there on Yom Kippor felling tired and hungry (I don't like fasting) I realized that I was loosing my past. I decided to start keeping kosher.

So for a month or so after that I kept a "Kosher Style" Kitchen which is to say that i started not getting non kosher types of meat and not mixing meat/dairy etc. But still on my old Tryef pots. Then a Rabbi came down to help me kosher my kitchen.

I didn't intend to become Orthodox, it sort of just happened when I wasn't paying attention. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be learning in a Beis Midrash, davening daily with a minyan while wearing Teffilin, and not only keeping Shabbos but loving it I would have told you you were nuts. (And might have asked what a Beis Midrash was). But here I am, back in college at age 29 and being part of a wonderful observant community.

For the first time in my life I understand where I fit into the world and its wonderful.

It just proves that slippery slopes can go up as well as down!

And thanks to all those folks who made me feal like I was welcome and wanted along the way. They were truly performing a bigger mitzva than they knew. The families who invited me to spend shabbos with them or meals and all the others along the way.

(4)
Anonymous,
May 8, 2002 12:00 AM

What a lovely article this is!

The writing of Mrs Zeldman moved me to tears- I can totally identify with what she felt during her time of self-improvement. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.

(3)
Anonymous,
May 7, 2002 12:00 AM

Great story! One point that could also have been made is taking on one mitzvah at a time is easier than trying to lose weight, and the results are more satisfying. Observance is a ladder. It doesn't matter which rung you're on, as long as you're on the ladder somewhere.

(2)
,
May 5, 2002 12:00 AM

Beautiful story.

(1)
David Reti,
May 5, 2002 12:00 AM

This was brilliant!

Thank you so much for this wonderful article! Not only do I see myself in it completely, I could have written it myself - except for the being a woman part. I also went to Israel, but still often find myself at the "turning on the lights because I can" stage.

I will forward this article to many of my family and friends though. Perhaps it will help them better understand my decisions. Perhaps it will even prompt them to ask some questions of their own.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

Love comes from "giving to someone." When you do altruistic acts of kindness, you are giving the other person part of yourself. You will therefore feel love for the recipient of your acts of kindness - because you will find yourself included in the other person and you will identify with him. Just as you love yourself, so too will you love the other person.

The ultimate level to strive for is that even if someone wrongs you, you will view it the same as if someone's right hand accidentally cut their own left hand. Of course while you will try to prevent this from happening, you will not take revenge on your own hand!!

The degree of love as you have for yourself is the degree of love we should have for others.

Today, think of a specific person who would gain greatly from your being more giving. (If you can't think of anyone, that person might be you...)

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...