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Rescue CNN Hostages

Many brave journalists work at CNN—people of daring, unafraid to wade into harm’s way. CNN has many knowledgeable reporters, people who know how to ask probing and important questions. They have a proud record of sending news crews all over the world in search of stories—not just pictures—important stories. They have specialists who really know both subjects and regions in depth and can add context to important stories.

So, it is time after more than 4 weeks on virtually a single subject with no actual “Breaking News!” for their fellow journalists to mount a rescue—whether this takes the form of a physical assault to attempt to free these newsies, clearly held hostage, or an intervention with their corporate captors, something must be done.

THIS JUST IN: Amelia Earhart Not Yet Found!

Now, I don’t actually know any more about their situation than they know about what happened to the Malaysian 777. I don’t want to speculate, as they continually repeat that they don’t want to speculate, BUT I see desperation in Blitzer’s eyes. I’m not sure but I think he’s been blinking signals in Morse code. While I’m no expert in this code, knowing only SOS—which I sometimes get confused with OSO—I think he’s signaling a request for help. Erin Burnett is talking faster while saying nothing clearly betraying near panic. The truth that there is nothing going on, no breaking news is the fact that Anderson Cooper is still in this country. Were there a story or the opportunity to put himself in harm’s way, he’d be off the coast of Australia 500 feet under the sea.

Breaking News: Titanic Sunk (Actual CNN graphic April 15, 2014)

In addition to poor Anderson and Wolfie, Dr. Gupta, Fareed, Ashleigh and Amanpour, Don Lemon and Jeannie Moos need us now. Their eyes grow both hollow and desperate. They have lost the will to report—since they have nothing to report on the missing 777 and can’t turn to the Korean Ferry or Ukraine.

BREAKING NEWS: Jimmy Hoffa & Judge Crater Still Missing

As they are doing, we must go past speculation all the way to the conclusion that CNN has been hijacked and our poor news colleagues have been hypnotized or narcotized into what is known as the Groundhog’s Day Syndrome (GDS—find the cure! Soon to be a 501c3 near you). Every day they get up and don’t report the same non-news. There is no Breaking News. Rather it is the news itself that is broken. Please help.