THE CRANKY OLD MAN
Random thoughts and stuff from a cranky old man. Humor (maybe)and satire, mostly stuff from a confused head.
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Thursday, May 7, 2015

CUBAN CIGARS

CUBAN CIGARS

With the
thawing of our relationship with Cuba, I expect Cuban cigars will soon be
available throughout the States.I’m
sure it will be a big deal for a while, but I suspect the main allure of a Cuban
cigar has been the fact that they have been illegal in the US for many years.

I enjoy a
good cigar, although I don’t smoke more than once or twice a month.I am certainly not a cigar connoisseur but
neither are most smokers.If you tell
someone that nothing can compare to a Cuban cigar, most people will not admit
they cannot tell the difference.

I will admit
I cannot tell the difference between a Cuban cigar and a good cigar from the Dominican
Republic.

Oh yes, I
have smoked a Cuban cigar.I was once a
Cuban cigar smuggler.I learned two
things from smuggling Cuban cigars into the US.First I learned that Cuban cigars are not really any better than any
other good cigar.Second I learned that
I was the worst smuggler ever.

My smuggling
took place from Bermuda to the US.I was
on a four day vacation.Two friends had asked
if I could buy a few Cuban cigars and bring them home from Bermuda.I purchased six cigars, two for each friend
and two or myself.

Returning
home with the cigars neatly tucked away in my suitcase, I began to get a little
nervous as we moved up the customs line.My wife told me to relax; no one could care about a few cigars.

In line I
was not relaxed. To make it even worse; I was wearing a hat which we had
purchased in Bermuda.It was a wide
brimmed Bermuda hat, perfect for golf on a hot summer day, but also looking
exactly like the hat you might find on the cover of Cigar Aficionado
Magazine.

I started to sweat more than
the temperature would have deemed appropriate.

When my turn
came, the agent checking for illegal contraband was a six foot four 260 pound refrigerator
shaped man with a voice reminiscent of Darth Vader.

“Good afternoon sir, anything to
declare?”

“No.”

Darth Vader
bent over close to my face “Are you
sure?”

“I think.”

Darth leaned
in even closer “Any cigars? Any CUBAN
cigars?”

“Crap” I
thought, "he knows."But I had already
gone this far.

“I don’t
think so.”

Darth was
now so close he could smell the sweat dripping off my nose “You don’t think so? Are you sure?”

“No…I mean
yes, I’m pretty sure”

“Ok then, if you are sure…move on and
have a good day.”

Darth knew I
was lying, but I guess he realized I was not a bootlegging king pin and he just
enjoyed fucking with me.

I enjoyed
those cigars, even though they somehow reminded me of the slight scent of pee, but
I didn’t enjoy them enough to risk being caught with contraband again.

We just
returned from five beautiful days in Turks and Caicos in the Caribbean.Mrs. Cranky suggested before we left that I
could probably buy Cuban cigars in the islands.I decided against it. I preferred to travel home with dry shorts.

Well, at least you got a good story out of it! Reminds me of the time I went on holiday to Bali and "smuggled" back home a batik picture in a wooden frame, where you're not allowed to bring back wood from Bali to Australia because of wood worms. So my crime was actually MUCH worse because I risked our native forests, for a frankly tacky batik picture. And like you I was a nervous wreck coming through customs. It probably is a bit of fun for the customs officers as I'm sure we are all completely obvious!

Sweetie and i bought a Cuban cigar in London on our honeymoon, and smoked it together (yes, back then we would share one, get through about hafl of it, and that was enough; we both gave it up when i was having children) on the cruise ship coming home. That way no need to try to smuggle it in.

Sounds like a great little getaway you had! My brother and his wife went to Cuba a few years ago on a mission from their church; can't remember what their work was down there, but he did manage to bring home a little bit of Cuba with him, it might or might not have been cigars, but I do remember perhaps hubby did get one (or maybe not) as a Christmas gift that year.

If I'm ever going to prison, it's going to be for something more than a bunch of rolled up dried leaves. Diamonds, maybe, but not cigars. But come to think of it, cigars might be a nice "Hi, I'm your new cell mate" gift. :)

Like you, I've only smoked a few cigars, including Cubans when out of the country. I couldn't tell the difference and see no reason to become a cigar aficionado. Same with wine. I like the cheap stuff.

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I am 70 years old, I have 4 children 45,42,40 and 18;and 5 grandchildren 13-6
. Divorced twice, married three times. I worked on Wall Street for 40 years after graduating from Lafayette College in 1968. I have turned to writing as since retirement I needed something to tell people "What the F*** I do." Published one book "Maybe It's Just Me!" available at Amazon, soon to release my second, "I Used To Be Stupid."
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