Let us now, on the eve of this blessed holiday season, take moment to bow our heads and reflect upon the myriad miseries suffered by the group most persecuted by this modern world: the extremely wealthy. Thank god you are not in their very, very expensive shoes.

What are you doing this holiday season? Maybe spending time with your family, shopping for presents, or picking up a bag of canned goods from the local charity food bank. Must be nice. While you're enjoying all that wanton freedom, do you know what the rich are forced to spend their time doing? Planning their tax strategy. Yes. It's sad. But thanks to the class warfare perpetuated by the non-wealthy who chose to reelect this president, the socialist, many companies are forced to hastily pay out all their dividends now, in order to avoid higher taxes that might come in January. No big deal for you, maybe, but when you're a wealthy investor with dividend cash suddenly flying at you from all directions, it's a damn lot of paperwork, I assure you. (For your accountant.)

And it's not just investment income that has come under assault. The richest 2% of taxpayers could see their tax rates skyrocket by nearly five percent, in an assault on freedom unparalleled since Hiro-Heeto sent his kamikaze bombers directly into Lady Liberty's mouthpiece on July 4, 1776. Do we really want to live in a nation in which people making half a million dollars per year face the prospect of paying $5,000 more in taxes? And they have to think about this over the Christmas season?

Think of their children.

Must be easy to be an average American, with none of these money worries. But everyone cannot be so fortunate. Even now, our billionaires are forced to throw multimillion-dollar birthday parties for themselves and their 700 closest friends and hire Paul McCartney to sing for them, just to get their mind off the stress. Other ex-CEOs, who should be enjoying their retirement, are forced to take on second jobs as $5,000 per hour consultants just to get by. It is a disgusting glob of spittle in the face of a bald eagle named John Galt.

So when I hear of a new study finding that unemployment causes heart damage, I say: good. Your cold heart should be damaged. You can't even imagine what those responsible for having all the money are being forced to go through right now.