Tips for Transitioning Without Big Chop [Long Term Relaxer Stretching]

Long term relaxer stretching is the gateway to transitioning without big chop. Whether you’re simply looking to stretch your relaxer or desiring to go natural, both require a defined regimen, a balance of moisture and protein, as well as patience. Today I share with you how I was able to stretch my relaxer for 27 months without excessive breakage or damage to my hair.

Proper Detangling

One of the biggest issues I faced with transitioning without big chop was detangling. Using a three step detangling method has helped minimize knots and tangles at the line of demarcation.

Finger Detangle – removes shed hairs and knots so the comb does not snag or rip my hair.

Balancing Moisture & Protein

The second issue with transitioning without big chop is dry hair. I’ve written several articles on balancing moisture and protein but honestly, it takes a lot of trial and error to figure out what’s the right balance for your hair. Once you get it right, it’s like hitting a home run. You’ll definitely know when you’ve arrived to the perfect balance. Your hair becomes resilient and doesn’t break easily.

The three protein products I like best areAubrey Organics GPB (light reconstructor), Ion Effective Care Treatment(light reconstructor) or Komaza Protein Strengthener (medium protein treatment). I use protein once or twice monthly. I generally use a light reconstructor. If my hair is feeling mushy or gummy, I’ll use the medium protein treatment. Hard protein treatments are too harsh for my hair, thus I don’t use them.

Patience & Realism

Two things needed when transitioning without big chop is patience and realism. I enter each wash day knowing I will see some breakage and shed hair. It’s par for the course and no way around it. Setting expectations alleviates panic when breakage and shedding occurs.

Low Manipulation Styles

As your natural hair start to fill in, you’ll need some go-to hairstyles that are low manipulation to keep your hands out of your hair as much as possible. Flexi rods, ponytail rollersets or buns are my signature hairstyles although wigs have been my go-to during this long-term relaxer stretch.

Wash Day Hair Tips for Transitioning Without Big Chop

The more new growth present, the more difficult wash day becomes. Therefore, reducing wash day frequency from once weekly to every two weeks helped minimize breakage associated with manipulation.

Moisture is a must and this next tip might sound counterproductive but it’s working really well for me. I now wash my hair with sulfate shampoo. Doing so removes buildup from my hair so that my deep conditioner can do what it’s designed to do – deeply penetrate and increase moisturize.

Many have reported great success with co-washing. My hair responds best to a good shampoo and deep conditioning session. Therefore, I prefer to skip co-washing and opt for a true wash day.

Washing my hair in 4 sections worked at one point but I now use 8-10 sections. Smaller sections are easier to manage, apply product and detangle.

Using conditioners that offer awesome slip for shower detangling is a must! Once out the shower, I’m able to comb through my hair without breakage.

Tension Blow Drying and/or Banding

I don’t always have time to heat style so tension blow drying (on cool) and/or banding are staples for drying my hair. It stretches the new growth and keeps it from shrinking. Air drying with loosely hanging hair is out of the question. While it’s the quickest drying method, it causes the most shrinkage. For me, shrunken hair is harder to moisturize and breaks easily. Therefore, keeping my hair stretched is a must.

Keeping Ends Trimmed & Healthy

Healthy ends make for easier detangling which helps with retention. Damaged ends have lifted cuticles and split-ends which cling together and causes tangles. Now that I have healthier ends, detangling is much easier.

Reader Interactions

Comments

Jay: I’m curious… other than to transition, why would anyone want to go so long in between relaxing? is it a money issue? It would not be a hair health issue would it? The damage done by relaxers is the same whether you wait 8 weeks or 8 months to get the next one.

The salt, hydrogen and disulfide bonds that have to break and reform (or stay broken ) in order to straighten hair is the same–stretching (which I also did but in a different way as I transitioned) will AUTOMATICALLY produce BREAKAGE at the demarcation line–this is because where natural hair meets relaxed hair is very weak.

Like you , I kept my relaxed hair in a protective style–I would keep my hair in extensions–ultimately it grew past my waist this way. I put my last relaxer in (for that transitioning time) in the Spring of 2003 and then PRESSED my hair about 2 inches below the new growth, through my demarcation line and the 2.5 or 3 inches of new growth I would get every 5 months.

I would wear microbraids for 3- 5 months, then wash my hair about 3 months in and again the day before my next braiding session. My hair was over 27 inches long near the end and my braider would order my human hair from someone she knew in NYC. I had to get 30 inch hair which is VERY, VERY expensive* Before the braiding session, after it dried, I would again press it straight going over the new natural growth and about 2 inches into my relaxed hair.

OFTEN my breakage and shed hair was much less than it was as a full on natural. I did this for 7 years and ended up with so much hair that I caught grief from my braider and from the Asian stores (mostly demanding to know what was the point in fake hair since my own hair was ridiculously long) I ALWAYS pressed or flat ironed the hair that was natural to take the pressure off my own hair .

*When I started this in 2003, my hair was neck length. By the end, it was past my navel–BUT I had to periodically cut my hair because I was paying about 400.00 a pack when I got the 30 inch hair and by 2006 no one was selling hair that long that was real–I then started getting yaki hair–keep in mind that at my length,my hair was mostly BRAIDED because I did not allow any of my hair to be loose–so I had to pay my braider 3X the regular amount because she had to braid my hair all the way down–at one point (I had not cut it) she showed me that I only had about 1.5 inches of loose hair–the look is NOT THE SAME when you braid all the way down like that–so she and I both agreed to cut my hair back to about 24 inches so that when I pinned my braids up–I had a nice “Plume” of silky hair at the ends.

At least 3X per year, I took my hair down about 2 weeks early then washed and deep conditioned, air dried it, then pressed it.

My favorite technique was to wash 2 or 3 times and condition with the braids in, then after my hair dried overnight, I would take about 10 to 15 down at a time and unbraid , tease the mat ball apart and gently pick it out, then press it.

I lost the most hair when I wore it down for 2 weeks and it was exhausting. I was perimenopause and so would sweat it back a lot. My hands could not stretch to hold my hair up and it was the hair at my crown which was way longer than the hair at my nape and in the back.

My crown hair grew to over 27 inches in length, my hair near my neck was only about 18 inches. I am high waisted so maybe that also explains why that hair was past my waist.

Anyhoo… EVENTUALLY (by 2006) I was routinely cutting my ends by at least 2 inches to keep my hair from being longer than the hair I bought–the trick (for me) was having ALL of the hair braided. Loose hair was abraided hair.

Also, I rarely had my hair straight down–not even when it was braided–I always did loose buns with tendrils curling down by front and back –when it was braided, I did the same by pinning it all up in a messy bun NOT pulling the hair up and back, but just pulling it down and back then pinning part of it up HIGH–this makes the hair look like a high pony tail with the loose hair sticking up and cascading back down but RESTS ALL THAT WEIGHT.

After a certain length, the biggest danger to relaxed hair is WEIGHT –this is also the biggest danger to ALL HAIR once it gets past BSL and you wear braids–all that hair PULLING due to the weight of the added hair–so I kept it pinned up which is ironic since I loved my long hair but hated all the work.

Washdays had to start about 3 days before my braiding appt as did take dow and pressing. This is because I had to PAY people to take my hair down–not professional braiders (they always cut and tug) I would pay people to begin my take down but they were not allowed to comb out my matting–I did that and it was slow work.

Of course eventually, all my relaxed hair was cut off and probably by 2005 or so, I only had natural hair–but I then began pressing all of it.

Straighter hair is just easier to work with. I would not do a hard press, just enough so that we got the textured, straight look (similar to a blow dry)

2. I used a generic (from Sallys) rattail with metal tail to pick or start the extension removal

3. I used the same wide tooth, soft tip comb that I had issued in hair school–don’t know who it is made by, but I pick up extras when I see them– and it does not have double teeth, the most important factor about a comb is teeth spacing and rounded tips at the teeth

4. I do not use rakes or wider teeth of any kind because wider than a standard wide tooth (IMO) is work for my fingers) if I have tangles wider than this, my fingers can detect a snarl or rat or mat much sooner than a comb and can STOP to tease it apart. Even the tiniest knots yield to the press and tease out approach.

I have often done a take down where despite months in braids, my actual hair shed was less than 27 (yes I counted them) that is when I was full on in my anagen phase.

I have a feeling over 80% of my hair is the anagen phase at any one time with 10% being in the catagen phase and maybe 10% being in the telogen phase–this is in about 7 year cycles–then all hell breaks loose and I shed–SHED like no body’s business. When the smoke clears about 1 year later, my hair is a lot thinner, and is maybe to my bra strap–but the ends are thinned out–then slowly it starts to grow again–then by year 2 it goes crazy with growth often gaining abot 3/4 of an inch to 1 inch per month–this continues until year 7–then –the shedding.

This has been the cycle all my life. I can count almost perfectly in 7 year stretches, amazig growth–then breakage (no matter what) and shedding like crazy–of course menopause is a game changer so who knows what it will be like now–but I seem to be into one of my growth spurts.

The reason I asked about the relaxer stretching is that it actually can damage hair when you stretch it due to weight differentials–so do you think most people who stretch are doing it to save money or are doing it for hair health?

the other issue is, many beauticians cannot necessarily see the demarcation line if you go a long time stretching and flatironing–if your relaxers are overlapped (and they WILL be to a certain extent–even with protective creams) everywhere relaxer gets on old relaxed hair is a breaking point. hair is sort of like rigid plastic–you can bend it back and forth–but at some point if you keep bending it snaps off–relaxers automatically begin the melting or destruction of bonds and the “bending back and forth” is just manipulation.

Other stuff– I finally got my hair relaxed in 2010, it was like an instant chop–I went in with hair so long, I got charged for 3 relaxers– I wanted something more manageable than hair pressing and figured I had a lot of hair to lose so I could afford the risk.

She relaxed me and for good measure gave me a rinse. She also took about 4 inches off that were raggedy and thin. My hair was just at my navel then and went to about 4 inches below my bra strap so still quite long–then when she gave me the next relaxer–she did something that I should have known better and so should she (she had been my beautician for over 23 years by then) she RAN THE RELAXER instead of doing a touch up–the idea is that you can run relaxer for last minute straightening when hair is resistant–you figure this resistant hair is strong enough to take this.

Of course I said something–she said the formulations had changed since when I did hair and now the protectants (which she applied to all my previously relaxed hair) were much better.

She lied. My hair was not resistant due to coarseness or being “strong” my hair was resistant due to the fact that after wearing braids for years with natural hair, by hair would not revert. This is a common problem. If you live in braids long enough, relaxing has a hard time taking and hair has to be flat ironed.

I could go on and on even more–but I will stop here. I stopped all relaxing in 2011 after my hair/bangs in the front only touched the tops of my breasts and my hair was BSL–none of it lost willingly. I had forgotten how the breakage could be.

My hair dresser had the nerve on one of my last visits to ask me “what happened to all your long hair?” Like she was not the one pulling gobs out of the sink after a relaxer. I calmly replied “you know what happened ____________..you burned it off my head.”

Now no relaxers–I am not an advocate of tight, smooth buns or pony tails–because traction alopecia and weight alopecia (caused by fake hair pulling fragile real hair at the roots) are the main reason many black women have thinning hair and no edges. the damage to hair done by weight is not just to the root–if you have relaxed hair and you braid it–PIN IT UP almost at all times–even the weight of the last part of the synthetic hair past your real hair is taking some toll on your relaxed hair–and unlike the hair at your roots–it cannot stand much weight–even without braids or extensions, relaxed hair can hardly stand its own weight once it gets really long.

I calmly replied “you know what happened ____________..you burned it off my head.” <===== I'm sorry you were dealign with issues but I got a good laugh at that.
I'm sure stretching is done for a number of reasons: minimize potential for overlapping, saves money, don't have the time to visit a salon, on business travel, trying to improve the hair's health, currently pregnant, considering transitioning, etc.

I don’t think I will ever go back to relaxers. If I want silky hair, I will have a sew in or something –if I can find one that will not break me out. It is actually very difiicult to apply relaxers without overlapping because normally a touch up is about 1 to 2 inches at most–with even more to relax you still have to go right up to the previously relaxed hair and sometimes it is hard to see exactly where that ends because there might be a little texture there but it is still relaxed hair.

I would like to say, I have never overlapped anyone’s relaxer–it would be a lie. The simple truth is we rely on relaxers slight overlapping to NOT destroy hair because we do not apply and smooth it AND the fact you begin over processing on the third application so a little overlap is not too bad.

My hair dresser RAN the relaxer, this means she did my touch up with the slight overlap then she took what was left in her tub and ran it all the way through my hair from scalp to tips–now she did not do this once, but a few times but think about it–first time is the touch up, second time she is overlapping that area.. THIRD AND FOURTH TIME even if she is just running the relaxer through for a few minutes, that is the 3rd and 4th processing.

I tell people –they should never have relaxer from roots to ends after a virgin relaxer–NEVER again, because after a virgin –the only thing needed to be processed is new growth and any “run” is processing already processed hair–which most likely still got processed again when it was overlapped.

Hmmm.. I am a Sisterlocks TM loctitian but have not yet taken the time to get certified.

I have only had locks for almost 4 months. I researched as much info as I could find out about locks and have learned a lot theoretically. I establish sisterlocks and try to incoporate healthy hair.

I use water and lemon juice on my hair–I do believe locs should be more represented, but I would think a mature locs would be better–I wish you have a way to upload pics (a papaerclip) and I would share pics of my hair with you.

I do think my hair would be interesting because we are not sure all of it is going to lock. i have everything from 3a-4b hair on my head which is to say the majority is rather large curls then waves –then at the top 4b and in the front 4a. so far, I have a very unusual type of look–like very skinny micros with curly ends–wavy hair and large curls do not lock easily and with micro locks they may not lock ever. Or it may take years. So it might be helpful for some to see this but it would not be a good idea for me to represent locks because in truth (and I did not know this) until locks fully mature at around 36 months what you see might not be what you end up with.

My locks look like thick strands of hair, much much smaller than micro braids–they are superstrands also known as loced substrates–we call them locks but at this point, they have not yet begin locking except at the top.

the kinkier the hair, the better it locks and the faster— I am a bit surprised because like most locked people, I had an idea of how I wanted my locks to go..

Sisterlocks TM are the alternative to dreads or microlocks–a lot of people think they have extensions or are braids but that is not correct- just my own hair in a locked superstrand–I have found out some very interesting things:

For instance, I found out due to how locks are formed, I did not do myself any favors by keeping all of this hair It was about BSL when I got locs but it is shrinking and condensing –the more hair you have the longer it takes because it is the shed hairs which actually make up locks–until the length of my locks fill up, my hair will not appear to grow–so the thing is, I have installed locs in 3 inch hair–and within a few months it was locking–because I kept all of this hair, my hair will actually grow inside not down and longer–when the lock fills up, you will begin to see growth, in the meantime the hair is SHRINKING.

I am now at APL + 2 inches and it will keep shrinking–those who started with less hair will have length equal to mine within 3 years.. so I kept my hair and actually made my locking process longer.

I did not know this– I also do not know what this means if part of my hair can never lock–I am not going to add products to make it lock–it is what it is.

This is another type of journey for me–but what I like about these locks is that they are so fine, I can wear them almost like relaxed hair–I can roll them and later I will be able to curl them with a hot iron or use setting lotion. right now I set with water and a set lasts about a day–my hair looks pressed or flat ironed from far away, but up close you can see all the texture and know it is not loose heir.

it is giving me the best of both worlds and a new piece of mind–I used to spend a lot of time playing in my hair and had a closet (and I do mean closet) full of hair products–now, I have very little I need to use–it is very different, and I am learning a new way to enjoy this hair journey. I am not sure I will ever unlock–for me.. it is like I came home and a lot of my hair issues got left behind when I got my locks

Note: Sisterlocks TM do not resemble dreads–and depending on the size–they an resemble loose hair–mine are pretty small, because technically, I am a newbie and so have not gotten my girth yet.

If you use something like photobucket, you can send me a link to the photo…just a thought.

I have a set of questions that I normally ask the featured to answer. It’s under Healthy Hair / Hair Features / Share Your Story! If those questions don’t fit, we can improvise. I feature all phases of healthy hair journeys – newbies and mature regimens.

Would be very interesting seeing your hair and featuring your regimen. You can view some of the past features to get a feel for how the responses flowed.

Girl, I am so old school! I don’t use photobucket or any photo stuff, what I do (and my kids laugh at me and taught me this last year) is take pics with my ipad or phone then send them to my laptop then download them to my laptop then when I send an email out I click “downloads” and attach with a paperclip. They have been trying for years to get me to do better, but I have not ever learned how and when they tried to show me, my eyes crossed and I went on to something else.

I believe I have ADD and probably always did. If I have no interest, I don’t learn certain things or only learn what I have to no–for this reason, I don’t do facebook, I don’t do linked in or instagram or twitter, or vine or any of that , my daughter put me on pintrest and now I have to delete that stuff all the time, I prefer real books, and a real camera.. the only reason I even learned ho download and do that was for a class and the fact my old timey camera broke Send me an email address and I can send you the photos..if you try to tell me about photo bucket–no disrespect, but THAT will do in one ear and out the other…

You should be able to tell how old school I am by the fact I have not learned to write in sound bites or small posts and I spell everything out and don’t do text abbreviations. I is a wonder that I even use my computer this much–because I am so old school that I still calculate things instantly in my head and still memorize most phone numbers.

Calculators for ordinary people did not come out until I was in college and then, they were very expensive and large–for my graduation present from HS, I got a tape recorder–they were sort of the new in thing–the larger ones, just before boom boxes were invented . LOL

Okay? ..and you would have to push STOP then start it back up again –but they did that on purpose to keep people from recording whole songs instead of just buying the record. I still own records (thousands of them) and a record player with amps and everything. Still on books even though I have had a kindle (gave it away) and have kindle on my Ipad. Rarely use my I pad except when I travel…

I remember when 8 tracks were the new thing! and how long I resisted CDs–I also have huge stacks of VHS tapes and a VCR but I have a DVD too–My daddy had a reel to reel back in the day, and he still had it when he died.

My nod to new? My Prius (for the gas mileage) I don’t have a bluetooth, or other gadgets and I rarely text–I just started taking pics with my phone 2 and one half years ago, when I was desperate and finally paid attention when my daughter showed me how to use it.

to me, a phone is still for talking, and in the car, only for emergencies–the thing is (and it IS a problem) I don’t look as old as I am, so people think I am just this strange girl–they don’t realize I am nearing 60 and there is no shame in my game! (I should not have told you that but should have waited to send you a pic and made you guess)

Press 2 inches of the relaxed hair and all of the natural
Get hair braided up with ALL HAIR in the braided part for protection from weather
wash only 1 time in a 3 month period (just before rebraiding) UNLESS I did a 2 week takedown and wear out (did this about 3 x a year) then wash when removing braids and wash just before getting hair rebraided.

I washed my hair with braids IN–I washed it 3 times in a row then conditioned with braids IN

For take down, I started about 3 to 4 days before braiding appointment. Watched a movie. Took down 10-15 braids at one time. SLOWLY teased apart mat ball and removed lint GENTLY, then pressed those 10-15 sections, made a small twist and clamped out of the way.

Products: Affirm shampoo and Affirm 5 in 1 Reconstructor, Dudleys Cream press for the straightening. I kept this up even when all my hair was natural–I used tap water in KS on my hair and my hair loved it–this from 2003-2010 then the new relaxing and hair loss came
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Leave in not added due to pressing coming up–just press–still using dudleys cream press (has wax in it, I know) get it braided.

At least 3 times a year, took braids all the way out, dc and washed loose–then henna, and reg program

moisture regimen

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The truth is, my hair THRIVES on neglect including less washing, the more products I played with, the healthier my hair seemed but it has not grown much past my bra strap.

I even experimented with oil rinses and yes, water only regimens–the best for natural hair (imo but I do not do the Bentonite because my hair HATED it) was the Maximum Moisture Hydration method–it made my natural hair not only pop, but radiate

The more I spent and the more time I took, the slower my hair growth (IMO) My hair thrives on LESS but it is hard to give less when you test products. Now I have locs so I am back to less (really less as in no condish or even shampoos and no butters or oils) I can do some oil on my scalp so I do Neem oil with castor oil–but for my hair–water only (ok with few drops of lemon juice because I AM a product junkie , heh heh)

My hair was 2 inches above BSL when I got it locked–due to shrinkage and condensing, it is not just 2 inches below my armpit–I expect it will shrink even more by my 13 month mark.

you can’t stop the shed hairs from clumping right there BUT you can stop a lot of the damage when you do the take down. Almost everyone’s hair can grow in braids provided they follow a few simple rules:

1. Don’t braid up your baby hairs either in the front or back
2. dont forget to keep hair pinned up and protected to keep the weight off your roots and relaxed hair

3. Remember to have all hair extensions braided down PAST the ends of your hair (don’t try to wear your relaxed hair loose unless you want it to thin out

4. Most hair is lost during the take down –that KNOT.. many people power through with their denman brush or detangling comb.

I put the combs aside–and after washing let my hair dry–UES DRY–hair is much weaker when it is wet because the salt and hydrogen bonds are weaker then and only are starting to reform–it is easy to stretch hair till it breaks so I detangle matts and KNOTS ONLY on dry hair.

I mash the knot down–if it is too hard to mash, I take the knot between my fingers and spread it out until it is like a matted mesh. I try to spread it out as much as I can.

I ignore the natural hair above the knot and concentrate on my relaxed or my hair below the knot–I slowly comb all of this out, holding onto my hair section BELOW the knot.

When I have all the hair below the knot combed out. I gently put my teeth into the very beginning of the matted mesh (matted mesh is nothing more than a knot teased to spread out)
I take my fingers now and them in the middle of the mesh so I can comb out the part below my fingers.

Slowly–lifting the comb up and drawing down–ANY RESISTANCE –I stop, take the comb out and go below the area of resistance again, then creep up, lifting the comb up and out if there is resistance–in this way, the hairs begin to align themselves and I can then move up HIGHER in the knot.

My fingers above the knot prevent me from either pulling too sharply on the scalp, or from creating tighter knots from areas above my mesh that may also be knotted–you can take out all the knots in your hair like this–and surprisingly, there will not be much hair loss–sometimes there is NONE.

If you tear through knots you may get breakage and split ends that can lead to more knots or you may tug your hair out at the roots–or your efforts may make more knots as tangled hairs tighten against other hairs.

When I am doing this, I want my hair bone dry because if it is wet, when I began to tease the knot I can stretch my hair–and stretched hair eventually … SNAPS– then I have breakage–caused basically by my combing technique.

It is almost impossible to finger detangle fine knots–but with fingers and a fine tooth comb (yes I use my rat tail comb for this not my wider comb) it is surprising what can be easily combed out.

Great tips! Keeping the new growth moisturized with the combination of a spritz and water based moisturizer has been helping me. LOL @ shower foolishness. I may have to utilize that 3 step detangling routine you have cause just using the Magic Rake comb and finger detangling doesn’t cut it. Washing in 4 sections these days work for me, braids are just out of the question since it leads to tangling for me. In terms of moisture/protein balance, I’m starting to think that light proteins work better for me especially on the relaxed hair but my natural hair only wants moisture.

The rake isn’t enough — it leaves so many sheds behind! I wash in a lot of sections but it’s sections of loose hair, not braids. Braids are a breeding ground for knots. I never treat my natural hair to protein. I apply my protein from the line of demarcation down to the tips of my hair. My natural hair loves moisture also.

Way to go Jay, 32 weeks and going strong. Unless I stretch my new growth post washing ssk try to take over my life. So letting my hair hang loose to air dry is a no no. These tips i’m definitely taking on board when i do decide to transition.

TY my friend! These tips are truly learned from years of struggle. I’m only getting SSKs in my kitchen, the tiny area at the edge of my neckline where the baby hairs are at. I’m not getting them anywhere else though – thank goodness.

We are sooo off topic! My first CD got thrown across the room. I had asked for the new record by Donald Fagen with the song “What a beautiful world” I love the cover art as much as music of many albums just like I love the smell of paper, bindings and cover art of books (I am a very visual and tactile person) anyway, my first husband “surprised me ” with a new toy and the CD.

The new toy was for him but he tried to disguise it as a gift for me. I hate it when men buy themselves gifts for your birthday but it really is something they want for themselves. I have gotten brand new stereo systems, cameras, Cd players, DVD cameras, remote control surveillance cameras all under the guise of “look what I got for you” HATE THAT.

Anyway, he trotted out this tiny thing and told me it was to go into a slot–keep in mind I was in my jewelry mode –so I was hoping for this ring I had loudly hinted at–(this will make me sound horrible –but men have almost always tried to spoil me and the more they do this, the harder it is to do this because –DUH–I am spoiled)

He gave me this silvery thing and told me it was the record I wanted and that I was to stick it into my “other gift” It was too small to be a record player, even for tiny records and too large to be my ring.

Too large to be my ring.. I was already on 10. I slowly opened it and saw this machine with a slit in it–he was all excited telling me it was the ‘latest thing” . I have never cared about techie stuff or the latest thing–I did not need the latest stereo equipment or the latest phone (no cells back then but I would not have cared) I just need stuff to WORK. If you are a phone–I want to be able to make calls–I don’t need the fancy–I save my money for other stuff–if you are a car–I just need you to get me from A to B–and now this “man” had given me a toy for himself–with a little disc–and I had no ring. I asked if there were any other gifts..

Keep in mind that when CD players first came out they were very, very expensive and the CDs weren’t cheap either–at the time we got this–the record stores carried very few of these CD things–so this was a big deal. to him.

He said NO this was it–and you could tell he was getting testy that I did not seem impressed (after what he had bought me) and he got down near the table to take the machine out of the box to plug it in and show me everything about it.

ADD–no longer listening, I took that CD which was out of that hard case and was in my hand and I THREW IT ACROSS 2 rooms–out of the bedroom and into the living room–I did not want no damn little record and I did not want no damn little record player–once again he was using me to get himself stuff! CDs fly like frisbees.

He was shocked. I was so ungrateful. Yes I was–something I had as a chlld and one of my few very immature traits–never buy me gifts–I do not lie about stuff–if I like it–I will tell you–if I hate it–I will tell you–on my birthday–on Christmas–it does not matter, it is hard for me to be polite about this.

the reason is I believe it sets me up–if you give me horrible gifts and I pretend that I like them–then you are encouraged to give me more horrible gifts until like my mom I have a room full of nightmare presents that I have to bring out or wear or put on a shelf and pretend to like–messing up my decor… NOT HAPPENING.

My family gets me nothing for holidays and we all prefer it that way–every now and then someone gets me a book they do not think I have–but they usually check with me first.

If you get me a gift I do not want–at best, I will tell you –I don’t like it–at worse–let’s not go there. It works out best if no one give me anything. Instead, I get myself my gifts and they get to sign their names to them–one year everyone gave me such great gifts–

One daughter gave me red suede boots from Anthropologie and the other gave me a complete outfit from the same–my husband really went all out and gave me a Fendi belt that was so heavy and cost the earth, and one son gave me Kate Spade Shoes–the dogs gave me all kinds of lotions and soaps from Lush–they really laid me out–I was really surprised–but not as surprised as they were–because as I opened each gift, I told them who gave it to me and how much I really loved the fact they knew my tastes so well–but wait–then my husband gave me a vintage jaguar mink–YES, GIRL!! a jaguar mink is a mink that has been stencilled to look like jaguar fur–TOO AMAZING!

EVeryone laughed because of course, I bought all of that stuff for myself and then assigned them what they gave me–my son made a joke and told me that he really believed the suit was from his sister and not him –he gave me the boots.

so that is how I got introduced to Cds–it did not break when I sent it zooming through the room and the next week, that man gave me a blue sapphire ring with diamonds–but I was too through anyway–I divorced him and left him the same month of the CD–I took the ring, and I left him the CD the CD player and my clothes–which he promptly gave to his ex girlfriend (yes, she was wearing my clothes) I was a fashion diva–I still have the closets but no longer am–so giving away my clothes was a big deal–I had to leave in a hurry though so –what’s a girl to do?

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