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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Bengay, it's what's for dinner

The last few days have been miserable. My insomnia has gotten worse, but now that i'm getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to drive small and large children to school, the sleep deprivation is really kicking in. No more sleeping in to catch up on sleep, and there's no way I can take a nap during the day with just the boys home. Not unless I want to be woken up by police banging on my door saying the kids were found 5 blocks away eating stuck on gum off the sidewalks. Yep, that would be my kids, which is why I can't sleep when they are awake because they would either A) Escape and make the evening news or B) Completely destroy my house beyond all recognition.

Yesterday my joint pain reached an all time sucktastic number and I had to go to Winco. Winco is bad enough when you're feeling 100%, but when you're in pain, it really sucks. So, I did what I had to do. I lathered myself up with Bengay and headed to the store. It was disgusting, I won't lie. I was gagging on my own stench, but since most of the shoppers at Winco are stinky stinkers, I figured no one would notice.

Funny thing is I got to Winco, and didn't realize that I had a maroon colored washcloth stuck to my butt. I'm assuming it was attached to my jeans since my bedroom consists of a volcano of clean towels and clothes that is clean but needs to be folded and put away. I don't use Bounce Static Sheets, but I think I may start after this. What's worse is I heard some women behind me giggling and saying, "How embarrassing" but of course I assumed they were talking about someone else. They weren't.

To really top things off I got into a small altercation in the dairy aisle. Some jerkoff was blocking the aisle but I had just enough space to go through so I went for it. I was deliriously tired, and so achy by this point that I could barely walk. So I walk past him and he holds up his hand and makes this really annoying gesture to move over and says, "EXCUSE ME, can you move, THANK YOU" but not in a nice way. Like a jerky, condescending, "I'm too cool for you" kind of tone and the dude was like 60! What the crap?! I would've thought he'd be turned on by my peppermint, Bengay-slathered body of pure arthritic sexy, but what do I know? Anyways, normally I would've just ignored the jerk, but when you are hurting and dealing with painful autoimmune issues on little sleep, that's enough to send a good girl over the edge. I gave him my look (which i've perfected over the years) and said, "I know you weren't talking to me like that". He stopped at the end of the aisle and gave me a, "It's on like Donkey Kong stare". Lucky for him I was hurting too badly to push my 100 lb cart back to the other end of the aisle so instead I mouthed the words, "YOU ARE RUDE"…okay, okay, it was really something like, "YOU ARE AN ASS" and continued on my way…with a red washcloth stuck to my butt.

I got home and removed the washcloth and then started dinner. Gluten free pancakes. Yeah. As if my day wasn't bad enough, I had to make gluten free freaking pancakes. If you're wondering if they taste like regular pancakes, they don't. Luckily the kids and the hubby ate them, but I went to bed hungry, as I was much too tired and sore to fix something else to eat. By that point I almost debated licking the Bengay off of my arms. It's minty with a hint of ass. Not that i've ever tasted ass (I swear I haven't, but if you have please keep that info to yourself). See, this is what happens when I blog with sleep deprivation. Nothing good comes out of it.

I could tell this was going to be a good one when it started, but you really had me at the washcloth stuck to your butt. I'm sorry you feel so lousy, but this post was full of much-needed giggles! Thanks for that!

I am so glad you have a bedroom full of clean laundry waiting to be put away (I do too). I once had a pair of underwear stuck in the leg of my jeans that worked it's way out of the bottom. Good times. It's amazing I'm not more popular. I really get tired of aisle blockers at the grocery store.

LMAO! You deserve a medal for going to the Winco in the first place, but to soldier on while in pain, fighting your way through the onslaught of a$$holes all the while sporting the newest fashion statement (washcloth ass patch). Yep, you are my new hero! :)