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1.15.2008

Look Ma, No Ears

Has anybody seen my toddler’s ears? They seem to have fallen off the sides of her head.

I’d love to say that my voice is so soft that she’s just not hearing me say the same thing to her twenty thousand times. I’d love to say that she’s so engrossed in learning to potty train herself or make my coffee that she just isn’t able to answer me right now.

I’d love to say any of those things, but the truth is, she’s just ignoring me. You know it’s the truth, because you have toddlers too. Either that or your toddler’s ears have fallen off as well, so of course she can’t do as you ask.

I’m getting bored of hearing myself plead with my earless child to stop ignoring me. Luckily, Bee eventually acknowledges my presence and is ready to negotiate. Literally negotiate, and she is better at it than I am. Honestly, my father-in-law, a retired auto exec, could have used Bee for labour negotiations. She is relentless. She would have had those union workers back on the line in no time.

She manages to canoodle special treats out of me for behaviour I vowed never to reward, like moving far enough out from under the bed that I can finally reach her to just pick her up and forcibly do the thing that I had been pleading with her to do for half an hour. We have even negotiated for special treats to get her into her coat and out of the house so that we can go to the zoo. Wtf? Now I have to dole out special treats just to get ready to go enjoy a special treat?

No, not always. Sometimes I refuse to hand out the two chocolate chips, or new sheet of stickers, or baby orange. (Ha! Sucker. I managed to make her think that a healthy Clementine is a special treat. Who’s in charge now?!)

Does that mean that she’s listening to me? No way, jose. That means that I just threatened to throw the tv in the garbage. Our threat du jour is quite effective, as Bee’s affection for Diego is greater than her affection for me, and she’ll do just about anything for him, like put on pajamas or stop running down the street.

I’m so sick of this, this trifecta of pleading, negotiating and threatening. Where is my good, sweet, attentive little girl who sticks close to my side and never gives me a moment’s frustration?

Oh wait, there she is, sitting on the couch, watching a Diego video and eating two chocolate chips.

Truly, it’s not always like this. Hell, it’s not even often like this. But we have our moments. Usually they come when I am stuck on the couch nursing Dove while folding laundry, or holding Dove while making dinner and answering the phone. You get the picture. I know that eventually, Bee will discover that she has clearly defined how far the boundaries can stretch and will chill out with the driving Mummy crazy routine. Either that or I will learn how to run faster than a two year old while holding a screaming infant and trying to steer the stroller away from oncoming traffic.

In the meantime, if you see her ears lying around, give me a call. And yes, there’s a special treat in it for you.

Scooter doesn't even have the excuse of a new baby in the house. Or of being a toddler anymore. Instead when he finally "hears" us, he'll give a sweet little, "Oh sorry, Mommy." And then ignore us some more.

The ears fell off over here about three months ago and we have yet to find them. The only time they seem to come out to play is when chocolate, ice cream, or Wonder Pets are involved. I feel your pain, oh god I feel your pain.

And that is one "awesometastic totally defiant and I would not dare cross her" photo.

Freaky - it's like you're inside my head. A friend and I were just talking today about how our boys had gone from "selective hearing" to "completely ignoring". I have to threaten to turn off (or not turn on) the beloved TV before I'm acknowledged. Infuriating.

Is that why my kids won't listen to me??? They've lost their ears. Meanwhile, I seem to have lost my freaking mind...

And my kids won't be fooled into good behaviour with a bribe of Dora or an orange. I've got to bring out the big guns...like threatening to hang them by their toes from the ceiling fan or promises of cold hard cash.

the bee's ears are probally hanging out with lulu's ears...oh this sounds all to familiar-right down to the chocolate chips.I have actually started doing that oh so annoying"I'm counting to three young lady thing!" "1-2-2.5.....2.7....2.8....."funny enough, it actually works.

OMIGOSH! I SOOOO HEAR YOU (see, I have EARS!) ;) My cheaty little monkey refuses to listen, too. It's so darn frustrating. And, when she actually (well, accidentally) does what I say, I have to exaggerate: "GOOD LISTENING, MONKEY! GOOD LISTENING"! Because she just doesn't listen.

We have learned that the ears, rather than being lost, simply have an voice-activated electronic locking function. You just have to know the password. In our case - and I'm not shitting you here - the password is, "Excuse me, [insert name]." Otherwise, those things are as soundproof as a vault.

Try walking down the street addressing your child that way. Every. Single. Sentence. People start giving you funny looks. "Um, excuse me, [name], but could you please watch where you're going? You're about to step in some dog poop."