Tuesday, November 25, 2008

By My Bootstraps

I just recently pulled myself out of a week long bout of depression.This is something that happens to me periodically.There will be nothing particularly wrong in my life, no specific reason for any sadness. In fact if I think about it I can still clearly see that I have everything going for me, that I have so much to be thankful for. In fact I am quite sure I am among the luckiest, most blessed & shined upon human beings on the face of this earth. But sometimes I'll wake up with the wrong sort of chemicals splashing around in my head. And an unshakeable grey, bleak mood. It''s part anger. Part aching sad. Lots of frustration & a little self-pity.I feel as if I'm the cartoon with the cloud over my head. I feel as if I'm a wounded animal. I have no patience. I'm raw. I'm terribly mean to myself. I secretly tell myself the worst things. I curse myself under my breath for being so stupid and ugly. I stay awake at night obsessing over some conversation that went wrong. Some interaction where "I should have said this.....", but didn't. Because I didn't think to say it at the time. And sometimes, and this is the worst part of it, I'll end up being mean to the people around me. I'll be short with them, or unnecessarily negative, or maybe just straight up flip out on them. And then they react negatively back to me and my foul mood which reinforces the whole thing in my head. And so on. This is depression.

I'm sure it has a lot to do with the cold.Winter in New York is now upon us. No mistaking it. The days are short. My brain is going through withdrawal from the sun.Did you know there are chemicals in sunlight which make you happy which you can absorb through your skin? (It's true.)

But so over the years I have developed techniques to shake myself out of these dark places.I can't explain them to you because they are constantly evolving. It's not math.But they basically involve doing things that are positive. Doing things that are nice for other people. Trying to remember to forgive myself for being so flawed and talking to my friends and lady-friends.

A lady-friend is a great thing to have. To talk to. To be around.Did you know there are chemicals in their hands which can make a man feel soothed. (it's true)And sometimes you just want that woman to rub your head and tell you everythings going to be alright.And then it's alright.