"My partner is frustrated I can’t orgasm"

Q: My partner and I love each other, but he’s so frustrated at my inability to orgasm that it’s turning him off having sex with me at all. I enjoy sex, even though I can’t climax, but he defines successful sex by making me come, and since he can’t he feels like a failure. I’ve had this problem my whole life, and have come to accept it, sort of, but how do I convince him that I love him, and love having sex with him even though I can’t orgasm? It’s become such a large issue it dominates our sex life and he makes it his mission to bring me to climax each time and every time he fails. It’s getting to a point that I’m quietly becoming so afraid he’ll leave me over this, and I don’t want him to.

A: Your relationship is in a vicious cycle because you aren’t truly talking openly about this situation. You need to express your fear that he’ll leave you over this, because this fear is festering in you, and worsening your anorgasmia (this is the medical term for an inability to have an orgasm).

The sexual response system in the body is very fragile and the slightest thing can switch it off, making orgasm impossible. Some of the things that turn it off include fear, pressure, stress, worry, upset, performance anxiety, anger, frustration … all things you no doubt feel when you’re having sex and worrying what your partner is thinking as he tries to get you to climax.

Talk to him (yes, even more if you already have) about the pleasure you feel when you have sex with him, regardless of orgasm. Sex is about far more than orgasm. He needs to be reminded of this because he has lost sight of other pleasure as he becomes “mission focused” on only bringing you to “successful conclusion” of arousal. Society projects the image of sex as a mainly goal-oriented activity: the pursuit of the almighty “big O”. But this is an extremely limited view of sexual expression in reality.

Talk to your partner and tell him all the erotic feelings you experience when you’re having sex with him. Give him details! Details are more convincing than anything general that can sound like a lame platitude that may not sound true (even though it is). Tell him how much more you’d enjoy sex if it wasn’t about the goal of orgasm every time. Tell him how the pressure of trying to reach climax makes you feel.

Perhaps agree to go see a sex therapist together to find ways of enhancing your ability to come. A professional will help you with exercises and with releasing the feelings of failure.

In order to convince your partner that you enjoy sex without orgasm, you need to talk to him about what you love about having sex with him. Spend some time engaging in sexual activity that doesn’t include intercourse. Play games and laugh. Re-establish your love of being with each other naked. Read erotic books and take baths together.

You may not be able to reach orgasm without the help of a sex therapist, but you can reinvigorate your sex life so it’s less about the big O and more about the “big I” — intimacy.Dr Gabrielle Morrissey is a relationship expert with 20 years’ experience. She’s also an author, lecturer and broadcaster.