Pitts: 10 apps for the modern world

10.Everywhere people are hunched over and staring at their smartphones. I wish someone would invent a beeping system whereby five seconds before a person crashes into a wall going full speed, or falls down a sewer hole, their phones would start beeping like a dump truck going backwards. This would prevent half the patient visits to emergency wards.

9. Here's an app equestrians and cowboys could use. After you've put your left foot in the stirrup and about the time your right leg has reached its apex over your saddle, Clint Eastwood says on your smartphone, 'I know what you're thinking, Did I tighten my cinch strap or didn't I?' This would at least prepare the rider for the oncoming wreck.

8. Income taxes cause a lot of unhealthy stress and what's needed is an app that would sweep all your accounts of any money and break into your piggy bank and automatically forward it all to the IRS, which is what happens now, only this would cut out the paper work and the middleman.

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7. It's one thing to trust your teenager with the family's 1985 Oldsmobile, it's quite another to trust he or she with your $500,000 harvester. Farmers need an app that every five minutes would shut off the video game your teenager is playing while they're driving the harvester.

6. If you've been to your doctor lately you know that your doc hardly looks up from the computer because they've all gone "paperless." Patients need an app that will interface with Doc's iPad, interrupt Doc's blank stare, and force he or she to notice that you're holding a roping glove with your finger in it and are bleeding to death on his office floor.

5. Where I live it's supposed to be against the law to talk on a hand-held phone while driving, but it seems like every other driver I pass is breaking this law, holding the phone with one hand, wildly gesticulating with another hand and, well, that doesn't leave any hands for driving, now does it? We need an app where you could turn in offenders and have a black helicopter drop from the sky, a swat team would lay out tack strips and a loud speaker would burst forth, "Put the phone down and step out of the car with your hands up."

4. During this past political season wouldn't it have been great to have had an app that would have automatically yelled, "Liar, liar pants on fire," every time a politician told a lie? Or pantsuit, as the case may be.

3. Aren't you sick of going to a restaurant and having some blowhard conduct his business on his phone so that everyone can hear his profanity laced tirade, using words that would embarrass a muleskinner or an NBA star? Don't you wish you had a button on your phone you could punch that would send a taser dart into the guy's body so that in an instant he'd be on the ground, drooling at the mouth from 220 volts of electricity?

2. With Congress replacing simple country of origin labels on food and replacing them with GR codes you can tap with your smartphone to find out where the food came from, counter measures are called for. We need an app so any time a shopper placed a foreign food in their shopping cart red lights and sirens would go off and a loud voice from the heavens would advise, "This food you're about to feed your family was grown or raised in a third-world country with filthy hygiene standards. Eating it could cause diarrhea, tremors, shakes, the trotskys, heart attack, stroke, cancer and on and on." Just like those disgusting TV drug commercials on TV.

1. Too many people are getting their news and entertainment for free from their smartphone. What magazines and newspapers need is an app that appears every time someone tries to read their publication for free online. After three times the screen would go black and big red words would appear: "Come on cheapskate, buy a subscription so Lee Pitts can continue to eke out a starvation wage and live barely above the poverty level."❖