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Wednesday, 4 March 2009

*Goodwin pension: further shock*

This site has learnt that the controversy over Sir Fred Goodwin's pension is not over yet. For in a shock development, it has emerged that under a clause in the pension agreement that has gone unnotived until now, the Chancellor must dress up as a medieval jester and dance for Mr Goodwin, waving a pig's bladder on a stick, every Tuesday evening between 6 and 8pm. Sources close to Mr Darling report that he is 'fizzing with anger', both at Mr Goodwin and Banking Minister Lord Myners, who is said to have been told about the requirement and to have seen 'nothing remotely objectionable' about it. Senior civil servants have approached Mr Goodwin to ask if the clause can be dropped, but the only response so far has been the receipt at the Treasury of a human turd in a jiffy bag addressed to 'DancerBoy Darling', with Sir Fred's business card sticking out of it.

Labour Deputy Leader Harriet Harman is said to be pushing for Mr Goodwin to be publicly castrated by the cast of the soap opera Emmerdale in Westminster Hall during an adjournment debate next Tuesday. Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg, meanwhile, on hearing the news said 'This seems appropriate, as Mr Darling is clearly a Fool (fool)!'. He was promptly ignored.