This is how much you aged in 2017, the longest year in history

2016, I’m apologize for anything I subtweeted about you. I’ll do anything to get you and your nice dead celebrities back.

Thanks to Donald Trump and a little shit named Jared Kushmer, Americans have undergone an accelerated aging process in the past year. News cycles that used to go on for months now last about, oh, an hour. We don’t have any time to mourn national tragedies because we’re so worried that Trump’s latest tweet will hurtle us into a nuclear showdown and none of us have had any time to pick up groceries before it all goes down.

2017 was the longest year in our modern history, at least for sheltered Obama millennials, and it’s not over yet. Read more…