Liberating Mankind From the Comfort of My Bedroom

A Glossary Of Terms

You’ve probably noticed, but I’m quite a peculiar person. As a result, all my friends are also unique; not directly because of me, of course, but I have found that I can’t be friends with people who class themselves as ‘normal’. (But obviously, the whole ‘normal’ thing is debatable…) The Crews I form a part of – Astellia, The Lads and Squaaad – are all just like me, in that they are unique individuals, have very… imaginative minds and all have a good heaping of #Banter. My sincerest apologies for hashtagging Banter.

Myself and my non-best friend Babs have very interesting conversations, in that we often make up words and phrases, and anyone who reads our conversations without knowing us (even if they knew the context) would think that we are:

a) Crazy. Absolutely BONKERS. Mental.

b) Starcrossed lovers (We’ve been a happily married couple for 20 years actually…)

c) Incapable of speaking English or correctly utilizing spelling and grammar

But basically, because our methods of conversing and the phrases we use are so special, I felt like I needed to dedicate an entire post to them, their meanings, and when to use them in context. So here we have it. DISCLAIMER: The words and phrases are in as much order as mine and Bab’s lives. (i.e. NONE)

BABS AND BOB’S PERSONAL DICTIONARY OF TERMS

Laugh Laugh – When someone says something which is ‘laugh laugh’ it makes you want to laugh. (e.g. ‘Babs, you are so Laugh Laugh’, or ‘Bobs, you should see this Laugh Laugh thing I saw on Facebook’ etc.).

Scienced – When you’re not infatuated with someone, obsessed, or in love, and there is no other term to describe what you are feeling – because it is simultaneously serious but also lighthearted – then you are ‘scienced’. (e.g. ‘Babs, I think I am scienced’, or ‘Bobs, this girl is SO scienced’ etc.).

Quick – When someone badly phrases a sentence that they send to you, and as a result, you, them and your friends make a long-running joke about it. (A joke which, unsurprisingly, lasts longer than them.)

‘Grilled Tomato’ – When you are on the bus to school in the morning, but you’re really not feeling well, so you speak to an unqualified doctor (i.e. your friend) and she tells you that you are a ‘grilled tomato’. (e.g. ‘Babs, you look like you’re feeling like a Grilled Tomato’, or ‘Bobs, I was diagnosed just now as a Grilled Tomato’ etc.).

Transcript – When you are having a very interesting conversation which you need to share with your friend, but because your phone is tiny, it would take far too long to take and send screenshots, so instead you copy and paste all the messages to her as a ‘transcript’. (e.g. ‘Babs, here is the transcript’, or ‘Bobs, send me a transcript’ etc.)

Screenshot – What you are requested to send when a conversation becomes very interesting and your phonescreen is NOT tiny (i.e. you have an iPhone 6) so you send these to the other recipient. (e.g. ‘Babs, send me those screenshots’, or ‘Bobs, do you want some screenshots?’ etc.)

‘1 out of 10’ – Used as an insult when said singularly, but used as a compliment when followed up immediately after with, ‘I mean, 8 out of 10’. This phrase is reserved for when your friend is looking especially spicy and asks you how they look, you respond with: “1 out of 10… *pause* I mean, 8 out of 10.” Also, see spicy. Related to ’10 out of 10, would bang’.

Spicy – When the spice factor of one of your friends is 42, and you cannot contain being around them. Also, when you have to drink a glass of water when you see them because they are hotter than the Hot level at Nando’s. (e.g. ‘Babs, that picture is spicy’, or ‘Bobs, you are looking so spicy’ etc.)

Bae – The person who you are ‘scienced’ with, and often call ‘spicy’ or send their Whatsapp profile pictures to your group chats to admire them. (e.g. ‘Babs, your bae is so lovely’, or ‘Bobs, does my bae know I exist?’ etc.)

Poopface – Scathing insult. Related to ‘Poophead’ or other variations.

Meatball – Intensely scathing insult, even more venemous than ‘poopface’.

🐋💨 – Meaning ‘Brilliance’, often used after an intense ‘Eureka!’ moment. Also used to express appreciation, as in ‘Fantastic’.

Synonym Wars – One person says a word which has many synonyms and the recipient spontaneously replies with a synonym. Then for the next half hour (or until you run out of words) the only responses to each other are synonyms of the word that was originally mentioned. (No repeats allowed or no synonyms in different languages) (e.g. Brilliant? Fantastic? Amazing? Astonishing? Magnificent? Marvellous? etc.)

Emoji Battle – Someone sends a series of emojis and then the person they are talking to has to multiply those emojis or begin a pattern, such as doubling each emoji, doubling every other emoji etc. This is continued until someone’s phone freezes because too many emojis are being sent or you lose count, because there is no way of monitoring how many emojis exactly are being used.

Mistresses – When you already have a husband, but you also have lots of ‘baes’ that you don’t want to give up, so you have mistresses (no matter what gender, they are mistresses).

#PowerCouple – When yourself and your bae/husband/mistress have a moment which you are just immensely proud of, so you have to acknowledge the two of you as a #PowerCouple.

So there you have it. 16 of Bab’s and Bob’s (Bobs is me by the way) key terms which we use in nearly every single one of our conversations. I can’t include more for obvious reasons, like security reasons and personal reasons and copyright reasons and patriarchal reasons and societal reasons and vocational reasons, and standardised reasons and stupid reasons and all that jazz, but these are our favourite. Without a doubt.

I’m gonna sign off here. I have had all these ideas for my writing while I was blogging, but I was blogging, so obviously I couldn’t really write them down. But I’m gonna do that now. Write them down.

I love you all, shoutout to #SabaReiss (we slayed) and then all my NCS Squad, also it’s great to have you back Dezza. Missed you so much. Love all my readers and also the Squad, The Lads and Astellia.

“Goodnight, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu…” (‘Sound of Music’ reference for Frazza, I SINCERELY hope some of you understood that!)