There are two things lesbians fear most in the world: 1) the Indigo Girls announcing their retirement and 2) being single. We are so terrified at the thought of having to "date" and "get to know someone before co-signing a mortgage" we usually jump from one committed relationship to another with zero downtime. On the off chance we don't have a girl already lined up, we end up testing the murky waters of the Lesbian Dating Pool, where going on more than two dates in your lifetime qualifies you as a grizzled veteran.

Perhaps it's wishful thinking. Perhaps we know something the actresses, writers, directors, producers, and all other viewers of the show do not. With our special ELP (Extra-Lesbian Perception) powers, we can spot italicized behavior with swift accuracy: you know, when a look becomes a look, a touch becomes a touch, and a thinly veiled excuse to giggle and fall onto the bed together becomes a thinly veiled excuse to giggle and fall onto the bed together.

As lesbians, we never know when we might be called upon to suddenly weld something at 10pm on a Tuesday night. Nevermind we don't know how to weld and actually make our living as tax accountants. We will be prepared in our flame retardant Carhartt workwear!

No one disappears in a puff of domestic bliss more quickly than dykes. The Federal Witness Protection Program often provides its witnesses new identities as freshly coupled lesbians. They will surely never be seen or heard from again. It's impossible to track down two women nesting inside their 1935 Craftsman fixer-upper, especially with Netflix and Thai food delivery at their disposal.

Ah, the time honored lesbian tradition of processing. The term “paralysis by analysis” did not originate in the workplace…it came from introspective lesbians who fossilized in their sensible chairs after hours of intimate discussion, still clutching their alpaca wool sweaters and mugs of herbal tea for comfort.

Lesbians love golf. I think it’s because we’re encouraged to wear polo shirts and pleated shorts. Not to mention sweater vests and visors. What's really awesome is being able to stroll off the 18th fairway and go straight to a coffee date at Starbucks without having to change outfits.

Lesbians are martyrs carrying student loan debt. We take it upon ourselves to cure the world of its ills and help the less fortunate. Hence, we sign up for years of graduate school in order to earn advanced degrees in lucrative fields such as education, social work, and public policy. You're welcome.

This is the #1 way to spot a lesbian. It does not even occur to straight women to shove their hands deep into the front pockets of their jeans. If you really want to beep on the Gaydar, stand with your legs slightly apart and knees locked. This is known as The Stance. Practice makes perfect.

Lesbians are busy. So busy, in fact, we cannot be bothered to style or cut our hair in any discernible manner. We don't want to shave it off, but we don't want to commit to any semblance of an actual haircut either, so our hair ends up looking as if it's been groomed at night by Flowbee-wielding Gremlins, and uninspired ones at that. And that folks, is what they call The Nondescript.

Many active lesbians prefer to wear their hair in a ponytail at all times. It helps us cultivate an image of 24/7 casual sportiness, which in turn gives us recreational athlete street cred. Ideally, the ponytail is pulled so tight and slick the slightest vibration will cause an eye to pop out. Sporty femmes purchase 14% of all eye patches sold in the U.S. every year.

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About Us

I believe the lesbians are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride, to make it easier. Let the lesbians' laughter remind us how we used to be.

FAQ

Why did you create this blog?We have too much time on our hands. Plus no one pulled us aside in elementary school (or college for that matter) and gave us the secret decoder ring on how to be a lesbian.

Nothing on this blog applies to me or anyone I know.We regret to inform you that you are not an authentic lesbian. Please return your badge, ID card, and any toaster ovens you may have acquired.

This blog is offensive/homophobic/false/stupid and you are promoting hurtful stereotypes. You must hate yourselves. You suck.See our first post. And actually, we love ourselves. And our fellow lesbians. We just find certain elements of our personalities and community...noteworthy. And pretty damn funny.

You still suck.Point taken.

I think you're actually a straight guy who lives in his mother's basement.Our girlfriends would beg to differ.