Porn to be Wild

“Look, until 1971 there were only two sexual positions: missionary position and doggy-style. Everyone was satisfied with that, nobody suspected that anything else was possible, or could be satisfying,” says top adult movie performer and producer Dennis Jigger, who claims to have devised an entirely new sexual position, the first for over a decade. “But then porn movies started becoming legit and reaching a wider audience – they had to come up with some new stuff to pad them out. I mean, ninety minutes of just two positions alternating would bore the arse off of even the most ardent porn hound!” He insists that most of the sex acts currently featured in pornography – and generally accepted as being normal – were actually invented less than twenty years ago. Whilst at first, these new positions were little more than mid variations on the existing techniques – a quick ‘knee trembler’ performed standing up, for instance, or the woman on top – the advent of the video cassette led to even greater demand for variety. “I mean, people could watch these things over and over again in their own homes – to stop them getting bored we needed to come up with ever more innovative sex,” declares Jigger. “So, in the eighties they came up with anal. It was a sensation, and remains popular to this day!”

However, back door sex alone couldn’t meet the insatiable demands of porn consumers. “To keep them buying and renting those videos, we had to keep giving them something new,” he recalls. “So after anal, we came up with oral. Then in the nineties we started giving them girl-on-girl action – they loved that!” However, according to the porn kingpin, the advent of internet porn has fuelled a demand for ever more extreme sex amongst consumers. “People just aren’t interested in the traditional one-on-one conventional shagging stuff anymore,” he says. “They just can’t get off on it anymore. It’s absolutely essential that we come up with something fresh and exciting. If we don’t, there’s a very real danger that the porn-viewing public will become bored and start deserting the industry!” Consequently, Jigger has spent the last two years chasing the Holy Grail of an entirely new sexual position. Although he remains tight-lipped as to the details of his new technique – he plans to demonstrate it exclusively on his subscription-only adult website, Porn to be Wild, next month – he has hinted that it is, in part, inspired by Far Eastern martial arts and philosophies. “I think I can safely say that this will revolutionise and revitalise the industry – it isn’t just a new position, it’s guided by a whole new mind-set for sexual relations,” he enthuses. “Frankly, it spells the end for traditional methods, with their emphasis upon physical manipulation and mechanical aids. This is as much about thinking your way to ecstasy as banging the arse off of some bird.”

Jigger isn’t alone in believing that the advent of internet porn has unleashed an apparently limitless demand for novel sex. However, leading feminist Germaine Slingback doesn’t think that a new sexual position will be sufficient to satiate this demand. “Mere sexual positions have lost their ability to thrill, for the internet porn generation, at least,” she explains. “It doesn’t matter how bizarre the contortions are, or how many people they involve, they do nothing for the jaded palates of today’s porn consumers. The constant availability of pornographic images enabled by the web has desensitised them to sex. They need to see increasingly extreme images in order to get any kind of sexual kick.” Consequently, Slingback contends, sex and violence have become increasingly linked in modern pornography. “Only a few years ago, you could only get images of bondage, spankings or ‘water sports’ from specialist magazines only obtainable from sex shops, which most men were too embarrassed ever to set foot in. Only hardcore perverts were into that stuff,” she observes. “Nowadays you can get it all – not just pictures, but videos too – in the privacy of your own living room. Indeed, far from being the preserve of perverts, this kind of stuff is presented as being the sexual norm.”

In fact, Slingback argues, modern porn is less about sex and more about violence against women. “Hearing a woman crying out in sexual ecstasy is apparently no longer enough. Now they have to be screaming in pain and terror before a man believes that they – and he – are being properly satisfied,” she says. “The concept of consensual lovemaking has been replaced by a model of sex as male dominance. Even the act of penetration seems to be of secondary importance – the men featured in this stuff seem to want to ejaculate on a woman’s breasts, behind or face. Anywhere but her vagina, in fact.” Slingback fears that if men attempt to put into practice anything they’ve seen on adult web sites, they could become extremely frustrated, resulting in further violence. “Many of them could be shocked to discover that the majority of real women don’t consider being tied up, assaulted with an electric cattle prod or having outsized penis substitutes inserted into every orifice, to be normal sexual foreplay,” she opines.

Not surprisingly, many in the adult entertainment industry have taken issue with the feminist’s views. “That bloody lesbo doesn’t know what she’s talkin’ about,” declares Bruce Porker, Australia’s top male porn performer. “Bondage and spanking has been around a lot longer than the web – it’s all just a bit of harmless fun.” He also dismisses Slingback’s fears that extreme internet porn could encourage sexual violence against women. “Strewth! The chances of any of the bludgers who look at that stuff actually having the nerve to speak to a real woman, let alone try to have sex with her, are just about non-existent,” he guffaws. “That’s why they want it – they’re complete social inadequates who are terrified of the very idea of real women. It reassures them, the idea that women can be tied up, subjugated and beaten into submission. That way they don’t actually have to interact with them, or treat them as anything but objects. That said, those sheilas in the videos are lovin’ it – just look at the way they’re always writhin’ and squealin’ in ecstasy while they’re being thrashed! Women love being dominated by a real man. It makes ‘em feel secure.”

The Antipodean super stud also has little time for the efforts of his fellow adult performer Dennis Jigger. “That Pommie poofter is wasting his bloody time,” he declares. “There is no new position – we’ve completely exhausted the possibilities. Why else do you think we’ve been forced into all this extreme stuff?” Porker claims to have spent several years himself trying to come up with an original position, to no avail. “I really thought I’d got it when I came up with giving it to the sheila in the navel, whilst slapping her buttocks like bongo drums, with a second girl simultaneously giving her oral whilst sticking her left toe up my butt,” he explains. “But it turned out some guy in Albuquerque had already done it, and had the photographic proof on his web site.” Porker believes Jigger’s new position is doomed to failure. “Unless it involves him pouring brandy on a woman’s knockers, then setting light to it, whilst taking her up the bum, it doesn’t stand a hope in Hell of succeeding,” says Porker, who claims he is set to unveil his own new ‘big idea’ for the porn industry. “It’s bare knuckle shagging. A couple beat the bejasus out of each other whilst trying to perform sex acts on one another. Two facials and a buggering count as a knockout. It’s got everything – bruising, broken bones and cunnilingus. A winner all the way.”

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.