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Monthly Archives: November 2006

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It seems its results day here at the University – lots of students around, numbers being tossed around, dreams realised, hopes shattered…truth, the end result of the year’s work and exams, all revealed now, in the heat of what is supposed to be one of the hottest days in the last few months.

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For me, too, its results day.

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I was off the last 2 days, having what I consider a perfect, most perfect time – time to myself, for myself, loving the break which was taken in commemoration of my birthday. But I didn’t think so much about age or advancing years, and didn’t think of what I want to do by this age….there’s no pressure of any kind about all of that.

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The day was not about “doing something” for my birthday. I rejected the notion of having to carry out an activity – go somewhere or do something – to celebrate the passing of another year. I wanted this birthday to be one in which I was free to do all I wanted to, and not be constrained by anyone imposing upon my private space and time – which I so dearly value.

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And so, the day, Monday the 27th of November, 2006, was perfect. Absolutely perfect. And the day after was pretty good too.

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And I came back here changed, I believe. Not in the sense of “resolutions” or thought-out ideas or plans…but just changed, better, in a way I do not want to describe; even if words could articulate what it is I mean – I wouldn’t use them; because – like I enjoyed the privacy and freedom of having my day, so too is this something that I treasure and keep close to me – like a new-born puppy, wanting to keep it all to myself. (I realise that may not be the best way to put it…but I saw a puppy yesterday; I love puppies; and this is what I mean….I’m protective of something so precious).

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And now, today, here I am, at work again. Lots to do, but not stressful at all. The aforementioned “results” I got today regard my future here (the subject, in part, of my previous post). I found out that the job I interviewed for last month has already been filled. Last week, the other job I was hoping to be considered for, was also filled (I couldn’t apply for it yet – they had to fill it from an existing permanent person).

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Which leaves me knowing – at this point – that my future, as far as I can tell, lies somewhere else.

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And in the past, the instinctive reaction would have been to feel a lashing-out; an anger at them – for the fact that they won’t be keeping me on. But that whispering, that whim, was weak today – and the remembrance of how I planned to react should I get this news, took precedence.

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So there is no anger, and no frustration, and no sadness. There is, though, the conscious thought that all of this is going to be a beautiful memory some day…like all the places I’ve worked in my short career so far.

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There’s the semi-empty campus. The celebration and formality of Graduation, coming up soon. The desolate very end of year period – which I was here for last year; but won’t be this year – courtesy of a holiday to Durban (my other home).

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There’s Orientation week next year; all of the noise and bustle on the plaza; newbies looking for their place in this cauldron of excitement, colour, music, people wanting from them – societies, advertisers, O-week assistants, academic administrators.

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And so the cycle begins again: each year, a new generation starts their journey into the world of Higher Education; their bridge between childhood and adult life.

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My turn as one of them has long since passed; and my time as being an observer of the passing of generations is also coming to an end.

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And so, as I embark upon the last 4 months of this amazing blessing, I carry with me the heart of someone who will try to fill the remaining days with warmth and goodness; so that when I leave this place – for the second time – I shall have no regrets, no longing, and no sadness of departure…other than tears of joy for the time I was given here, and all that has been in this part of my journey.

Like this:

There isn’t sorrow.
There isn’t clinging onto what has become so familiar:
the environment I get to be in,
the people I pray with, who i am surrounded by – working and not working.
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There’s no ‘mental journey of appreciation’ either:
I’ve done that already, months ago, and find no need to revisit the thoughts I have,
the gratefulness I have, for being Blessed with this experience.
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I have been part of a community:
Brothers have smiled at me, shook my hand, shown me the warmth and affection of unity
that I have not had, not been a part of, not belonged, all my life.
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Where my future lies, I do not know.
There is no anxiety yet – the reality of impending unemployment has not made its way to me again yet.
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But I have Faith.
Beyond the thoughts of worry, the unease of uncertainty,
the perception that ‘no job means marriage is not yet possible’….

For God has given me such great blessings in this career – this professional side of life – thus far.
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I am confident now, in my strengths: i know what they are,
truly know where my strengths lie,
and I am better for it: both personally, AND professionally.

And that bids well for my future. For the fulfillment, once again, of one of my very few goals when it comes to ‘work’.
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In my time here, I have come to know that I’ve moved on – inside – progressed beyond the insecurity of my teenage and varsity life.

I’m still shy, yes, but I’m confident in myself. I don’t feel “less” than the others; I don’t lack what I used to consider ‘normality’.

I am firmly footed in who I am and how I want to live my life.
I don’t have a plan,
but I have ambitions, and ideas –
a river of ideas sometimes –
and underlying my future, I have something more important than any Honours degree;
more assuring than any educational or professional qualification;
more real than all of those things:

I have Faith. I have Guidance.
I have what is the most beautiful thing in my life;
my relationship with my Creator.
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And that – no matter what life throws my way (in ANY area of life) – is what will bring me through this world and this life I have been given.