Sunday, December 21, 2008

All of our subway spotlights are special treasures, and holiday harry is no exception. how fitting that he get illuminated on this first official day of winter (right? it's like today, right?)

holiday harry caught my eye in the wee hours of sundee morn on an F train into brooklyn. he walked on wearing his santa hat with a melodica placed firmly in position. he then started in on a holiday medley, with the following songs flowing into each other in the following order:

Flinstones themeAddams Family theme Happy Birthday (to Jesus, one assumes)Hava NagilaFor he's a Jolly Good Fellow (again, probs about jesus)We Wish You a Merry ChristmasTequilaDeck the HallsSilent NightThe First Noel Silver Bellsand finishing off with a little Charge

Happy Holidays, Holiday Harry! Thanks for brightening up my 3am. Speaking of 3am...i was walking home from the train a little after that hour, when i spotted (but barely, since he was in all white) this fellow standing in the middle of the street, surrounded by falling snow, staring into nothingness. do you think he was starting his day, ending it, or just taking a mid-sleep breath of fresh air?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

i got a call on my cell phone earlier today from a number and area code i didn't recognize. i have a rule where i don't answer a call from number I don't know, so i let it go to voicemail. no message was left, which made me think it was a wrong number. I googled the area code to see where this person was calling from, and it belonged somewhere in Colorado. i know no Coloradoaieans (that's a word, right?). A couple hours later I decided to google the full number because it's rare that i get mystery calls on my cell that don't leave a message. So i insert the number into my search box (hehe, box):

303.586.6399

and several pages pop up of the "Report this phone number" variety. Apparently it's some sort of scam and everyone's pissed because everyone's on the Do Not Call list (as am I). And it seems as though this phone call is going around, like, this week. has anyone else gotten this call?

secondly, while i'm here, can i just talk about the pick up artist for a second? i finally watched the finale. finally finale. and, like...SIMEON?! For REAL? listen, the crop this season was nothing to throw your panties at, but simeon is a MASTER PICK UP ARTIST now? He's such a creep! why were the two finalists the ones with my most hated openers? the caper one matt loves that becca pointed out. and simeon's awkwardly delivered: "Hey, what movie is this from? Nobody. puts baby in a corner." Kosmo looks positively genius next to these guys. and at least when kosmo won, there was a marked difference from beginning to end. Simeon is still a bundle of creepy energy and now his ego is inflated.

something else worth mentioning-- when the guys were doing their field test, one of them had cornered a few girls, but was hesitating on making the move to invite them to his bedroom. (The challenge was to invite a girl back to the bedroom and seduce her) Mystery, watching with his wingpeople, says "Take what's yours." TAKE WHAT'S YOURS he says! because these dorks learned some stupid game and way of talking, once they approach a group of girls, those girls are rightfully theirs. because they are men and they choose their womenfolk. it has nothing to do with what the girl wants. right?

lastly -- i'm trying to caffeine it up today since i'm barely crawling through. i had a poor excuse for coke from the fountain earlier, and i couldn't go back. when i was getting my lunch, i decided to try out the Cherry Coke Zero, because, why not. and you know what guys...it really isn't so bad. Cherry coke!! With no calories!!

oh wait, one more... Lastly for realz-- i think i might have to retire the jeans i'm wearing today to "walking around the abode" wear. i knew it was wearing thin in that dreaded thigh spot, but it wasn't until just a second ago when i realized there's a half-dollar sized window to my skin on the right leg, and another slightly smaller one on the left. if i wear these in public again, i'm going to end up pregnant. man, my pants never used to wear in that area! i used to have to retire pants when the knees got huge holes in them. and now the thigh hole seems to be happening to all my pants at once! (or at least all the pants i've had for the last four years.) i don't need this many cutoffs! unless i were a never-nude...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

As you all know I’ve never really been a coffee drinker. This is hurting me right now as I am nearing the end of my latest 16-day workathon. For starters, I look like shit right now. I could be straight out of the Nightmare Before Christmas or Corpse Bride. I should put curtains over all the mirrors in my apartment. I caught a glimpse of my visage this morning before leaving for the day and I almost yelped in fear. I think this is probably the longest streak I’ve done...I did 12 days a couple weeks ago, but 16 is a harsh mistress. I seem to be mildly narcoleptic, falling asleep whenever I’m seated. I get a nice nap in on the hour commute to and from times square, I’m still passing out on my couch whilst trying to whittle down my dvr list, and the other day I came very, very close to falling asleep sitting at the computer. At work. In my defense, the floor I work on keeps the lights off and the temperature down. So I was snuggled in my scarf. I also wear these big headphones so it’s like I was shut out from the world, in a cold scarfy womb.

Because of this, I was faced with a dilemma. I needed to wake up. Since I quit the daily drinking of Coke (and the fountain soda offered in the building is usually less than impressive), that option flew out the window. The Energy Vitamin Water that I normally count on to wake me up (and take me to the pee room at least seven times throughout the day) wasn’t available where I purchased my bagel that morning. I headed to the pantry to check out my options. My first choice, delicious Milky Way hot chocolate, did nothing but fill my stomach with deliciousness. Before breaking out the big guns (and possibly a slew of other problems) by getting myself a cup of coffee, I opted for some green tea. You should also know that I’m not really a tea drinker either. However, it did the job with only the minor side effect of bad green tea breath.

I have three and a half more days to crawl through. If any of you see me (or have seen me in the last two weeks), please don’t be frightened. Soon I will be whole again. aka not scary looking.

i am a huge packrat and am in the process of moving to a smaller (but lovely above ground) apartment. so i currently have the distinguished honor of going through all my crap i have accumulated over the years. most of it is a real loser's walk down memory lane. like my first find today.....toe socks! remember these? they were all the rage circa 1999 - 2000. i jumped headfirst into this trend and bought several pairs of them, worst of which are these ones - in a sickly blue color with little pink toenails painted on.

i distinctly remember people thinking that i had some sort of blood circulation problem when i wore these socks with flip flops.....and yet i still wore them...a lot....in public.

Friday, November 28, 2008

when i was just a wee lass, one of the first songs i learned how to play on the piano was called 'sweet betsy from pike'. i played that song so many times in my youth, that every now and again the song will get in my head and i'll have to sing aloud the sweet tune of sweet betsy. the part that i remember goes like this:

did you ever hear tell of sweet betsy from pikewho crossed the wide prairies with her lover ikewith three yoke of oxen a big yaller dog a tall shanghai rooster and one spotted hog

hoodledang falldeedido hoodledang falldeeday

so i was just sitting here singing meself this tune, and i thought "hoodledang falldeedido" that's a pretty funny phrase. i want to google it. so i did, with no results. then i googled "sweet betsy from pike" and found a page with all the verses. the first verse is slightly different from how i know it, but please read the full wondrous tale of sweet betsy below:

Sweet Betsy From Pike

Did you ever hear tell of sweet Betsy from PikeWho crossed the wide prairies with her lover Ike,With two yoke of cattle and one spotted hog,A tall shanghai rooster, and old yaller dog?

Sing too rali oorali oorali ay Sing too rali oorali oorali ay

One evening quite early they camped on the Platte,'Twas near by the road on a green shady flat;Where Betsy, quit tired, lay down to repose,While with wonder Ike gazed on his Pike County rose.

Out on the prairie on bright starry nightThey broke the whiskey and Betsy got tightShe sang and she shouted and danced o'er the plain,And showed her bare arse to the whole wagon train.

The injuns came down in a wild yelling horde,And Betsy was scared they would scalp her adored;Behind the front wagon wheel Betsy did crawl,And there she fought the injuns with musket and ball.

They soon reached the desert, where Betsy gave out,And down in the sand she lay rollin' about.While Ike in great wonder looked on in surprise,Sayin' "Betsy, get up! You'll get sand in your eyes."

They stopped at Salt Lake to inquire the way,And Brigham declared that sweet Betsy should stay.But Betsy got frightened and ran like a deerWhile Brigham stood pawin' the earth like a steer.

The alkali desert was burning and bare,And Isaac's soul shrank from the death that lurked there:"Dear old Pike County, I'll go back to you."Says Betsy, "You'll go by yourself if you do."

Long Ike and sweet Betsy attended a danceAnd Ike wore a pair of his Pike County pants.Sweet Betsy was dolled up in ribbons and rings,Said Ike "You're an angel, but where are your wings?"

A miner said "Betsy, will you dance with me?""I will, you old hoss, if you don't make too free;But don't dance me hard. Do you want to know why?Daggone you, I'm chock full of strong alkali."

They swam the wide rivers and crossed the tall peaks,And camped on the prairie for weeks upon weeks,Starvation and cholera and hard work and slaughter,They reached California spite hell and high water.

Long Ike and sweet Betsy got married, of courseBut Ike, getting jealous, obtained a divorce.Sweet Betsy, quite satisfied, said with a shout"Goodbye, you big lummox, I'm glad you backed out."------

what an epic tale with a happy ending! happy thanksgiving one and all!

Monday, November 24, 2008

i just watched the most ridiculous svu cold open there ever was. there are four shows on my list of a billion shows that i watch that i decided to let pile up so i can just marathon them later on. law and order svu is one of those shows, and i just started an episode from about four weeks ago. this is how it went:

a man and a woman are walking near the water. the woman is holding a swan shaped sack o' leftovers. the man mentions that the view is beautiful. the woman irrationally gets all up in his biz about how he thought the hostess was beautiful and the waitress, etc. then he retaliates by basically calling her a drunk because her mouth wouldn't stay off the mimosas. keep in mind this, as is the norm with law and order cold opens, is terribly acted. so then, the guy interrupts himself from insulting his girlfriend to be all 'let's not fight on a day like this.' the girl is all 'day like who now?', then the guy GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE TO PROPOSE. like, oh, perfect timing there sir. your girlfriend just accused you of having a severe wandering eye, you retaliated by calling her a lush, and then decided to propose. and so he's all down on one knee after asking, and she's all open mouth with a far stare...he waits literally half a second before going 'i said, will you marry me.' like yeah, guy, even if this were remotely realistic, you would have the sense to know that a question like that could be a stunner, so give the girl some room. but then...THEN, the girl slowly raises her arm, to point what she was staring at. pan over the guy's shoulder to a woman floating in the river.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

here is the tale of how i ended up with a burrito different from the one i asked for...i will write out the conversation as it happened, and in parentheses i will write out how we misheard each other:

Me: can i have a vegetarian burrito? (Can i have an original burrito?)Burrito Man: What kind of meat? (What kind of beans?)Me: Pinto. (Pollo.)BM: Okay, everything on it? (Ok, everything on it?)Me: Yes, please. (Yes, please.)

the best part of this is that i saw him reach into the chicken and there was plenty of time for me to stop him and correct the order...but you know me, i like to ruffle as few feathers as possible. it's not that the chicken burrito is bad, it's pretty tasty...but i wanted the guacamole and the sour cream. argh! actually, the reason i didn't say anything is because i thought the burrito would come with that stuff anyway, but its only included on the vegetarian burrito. damn my luck.

so, for the past...i would say about three and a half months, i've been developing a bad habit. remember back in august, when i got way into the olympics? and because of that, i got behind on my dvr'd stuff? well, then i went home for a couple weeks, and fell further behind. because of the shifts i was working at the cookie shoppe, i remained behind on that. (plus i haven't watched any of my netflix in three months.) anyhoodle, then i started getting a lot of work with my primary occupation, and i've been working several days in a row (i've had three days off in the last 27), so i remain, and am falling further behind. because of this, i'm really doing my best to catch up. i even cut out one of my favorite things.

so back to the bad habit. usually, i have a hard time going to bed before 2 am. so, when i get home from whatever job i've been at, i go through my google reader, prepare my meal, and then sit in front of the tv with the goal to try and catch up on the dvr until at least 2 am. sometimes, i talk myself into trying to go til 3. but seriously, almost every time, somewhere between 11 and 2 (and the other night at 9 o'clock!), i just get hit with a wall of tired. the program i'm watching goes to commercial, and instead of ff'ing through the ads, i say to myself, "self, just close your eyes through the commercial break." without a doubt, whenever i do this, i end up waking up no less than TWO HOURS LATER. the dvr has already played and replayed the program i was trying to watch. i always wake up confused and sweaty. then i get up and stumble to my bed, wondering if i ever actually finished what i was just watching.

my question here is why can't i just learn the lesson? every time i do this i know i'm going to fall asleep. i know it's pointless to say i'm just closing my eyes for the commercial because i will wake up disoriented shortly thereafter. and i bet you anything..it's 12:30 right now-- i'm going to convince myself that not only can i watch the full saturday night live, but also at least one, maybe one and half programs after that. and i effing guarantee you that i will most likely pass out within the first half hour of saturday night live. why can't i learn my lesson?

last night i passed out probably at about 1:45 trying to watch some program it was taking me a couple hours to get through. i woke up at 6 am on the couch. ugh! i could have had such an awesome sleep if i just picked myself up at the first commercial break i thought i could nap to, and taken myself to my lovely bed.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

previously: everyone kinda sucked, but the least suckiest (i guess) are samantha, mckey, and analeigh. will it be mckey - the weirdo ren faire boxer who has yet to be in the bottom? or analeigh, one figure skating half of this year's lesbian power couple? or samantha -- nah, it probably won't be samantha.

the girls are given their lines for the covergirl commercial. they are nervous because it contains some dutch. i wish it contained double dutch and a dutchie. they pretend to get excited about walmart. whitney shows up talking about lip gloss - as she does.

sam is first and not her usual perky self. mckey freaks out but pulls it together. analeigh freezes, crashes and burns. yuh oh. i do have a hard time believing that analeigh, the best actress of the group, would freeze up in this situation, but whatevs. they do their photos. it's boring as usual.

panel. don't get me started on the guest dutch's last name. sam gets a mediocre review, analeigh does not get good marks. um, so tyra picks on analeigh's lips in the shot and analeigh said if she closed them, the photographer said that it was too sexy. but instead of just pointing out analeigh's penchant for pursing her lips when they're closed, tyra does the "this is sexy lips, this is not sexy lips" thing. hilariously, after the sexy lips demonstration, analeigh emphatically agreed that it was, indeed, very sexy. mckey clearly does the best here.

whitney's last my life as a covergirl is like a target commercial. first called is mckey. obvs. analeigh is a modeling butterface, samantha is both too commercial and not commercial enough. oh tyra, what a twisted web you weave. holy cow...samantha is called. damn. i'm truly shocked. samantha and mckey. what an...interesting top 2.

sam and mckey do their seventeen shoot. samantha says "17! it's so me! i was 17 like three months ago!!" excuse me while i go stab myself.

whitney starts the runway show. mckey goes out and is better than i expected, but i guess i don't know what to expect since they barely practice runway anymore. holland's top model is also here. i wonder if this was part of her prize. sam is next to make her way around the pink hilly winding runway. honestly, neither of them are blowing me away.

final panel. you should see what tyra is wearing. and if you have --- i know, right?! ugh, i can't deal with her. they go over the walks and the photos. they break it down to this: they're both tall, beautiful, sweet tomboys...so...either way...

and after calling them out for being nervous, Tyra announces that america's next top model is.......................mckey. well, duh. she lifts tyra in celebration. tyra then dismisses sam so the bitches can partay!! mckey also lifts paulina, and then tyra one more time. tyra runs out of there before she can admit she liked it too much.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Rian returns from elimination - hugzzz. Rian's sort of crying and Brian has intestinal distress. He farts in the bathtub....even though there's nobody on the toilet. I can appreciate the sentiment that he didn't wan the people outside to smell his fart though.

Ugh. The awkward, yet ultimately entertaining "how far have you gotten with a woman" discussion. They zone in on Brian since he has so little experience, and he tells the story of a woman who's boob he grabbed. Now this was the first thing that Brian said that ever made me angry with him. "She sort of looked like Shamu", please, if you really respect women - don't ever say a woman looks like a whale. It's offensive to her, and pretty much everyone. End of my lecture.

They play a goofy deedleedum type tune while Rian describes his past experiences with women....

Enter professional sexologist Erin & her sidekick Whitney.

this is what Dr. Ruth looked like at 30.

The guys have to make out with a mannequin. This won't be awkward at all! Awe Simeon - i feel for the guy. he tries to put his hand in the mannequin's hair and the hair falls off. That wig was ill advised - bad prop department! bad!

Who wouldn't want to make out with these eyes?

The demonstrations of the erogenous zones by the sexologist on her assistant?! Hm, all of a sudden i get the feeling this woman is not a real doctor.

All the guys are sitting in exactly the same position after class.

Reward challenge- use the touching techniques on Erin in a dark room filled with pillows. Ok, this proves it - she is most definitely NOT a doctor. Winner gets Mystery in his ear!

Oh man - Simeon is not wearing his shirt, yikes....and he slobbers all over Erin. Todd - not creepy like Simeon, but sadly not aggressive enough. Matt does Ok. Greg does Ok too. Brian was kind of ridiculous. Rian completes the challenge in his own awkward way.And...Matt wins the challenge and gets the mystery in his ear.

Kino escalation lesson...blablabla. Wow, Brian - TMI buddy - made out with a stack of ham. There's something very Hannibal Lecter about that.

Their elimination challenge is to kiss a woman in the club using Kino escalation. In all honesty, this is a lot to ask of these guys so early in the game.

Simeon starts talking to some Pennsylvania girls, I've heard about you....hahahhaha. Wait, what have you heard?! I'm from PA and there is very little interesting about me. (Except for this blog)

Mystery is making fun of Simeon's sad attempt at kino.... i think it's kind of working on Matador though.Awe. Todd - poor guy, got shot down. Todd's note to self: don't try to hit on girls by whipping out a tiny meerkat.

Matt - oh FUCK that caper opener. NO NO NO hate it, but since he has the earbud it works. Oh wow, a woman pulls out a pair of underwear from her purse and shows them to him, but he ultimately gets a number an leaves without a kiss.

Greg uses a weather opener, while the coaches in the van argue that nobody gave him that, he bores the shit out of his new lady friends and they walk off.

Rian attempts to wipe an invisible piece of dust off the girls shoulder, which is weird, but somehow works to gets a group back to his table. Then comes the awkward back rub, but that seemed to work too because the girl went off and danced with him. He got the closest to a kiss, but he sort of ambushed the girl with a sneak attack kiss on the cheek.

another awesome captionBrian - got shot down because he was way too overzealous.

Lecture from Mystery - to paraphrase - "blablabla you guys are all way behind. You have only been doing this a few weeks and haven't mastered the completely awkward test of getting a kiss from a complete stranger".

Though he made it out unscathed because he's entertaining to watch, it seemed like Brian sort of deserved to be in the bottom 2 this week.

It's down to Todd and Greg - bye Todd. I really liked him and was sad to see him go. Sometimes as a viewer I can't help but resent Greg because it really seems like he is only getting by on his good looks. Poor Todd, he did pretty well the past couple weeks, but got the boot for his poor performance in the field. I blame it all on the toy meerkat.

Awe - he's crying, but in a very likable way. Bye buddy. The good news is, you can finally take that painful looking industrial piercing out of your ear.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm sure we all remember that a few posts back, Sara made the startling decision to stop posting about The Pickup Artist because there is just not enough time.....and then we all had a nice cathartic cry. I however, am currently between jobs and have had plenty of time to watch TV - most notably, The Pickup Artist....so she has passed the torch along to me. I don't do many posts about TV, so it might not be quite right - but this is a learning process, a very public learning process. So bear with me.

Let's start with Episode 3!

Carl makes it through elimination because Kevin cursed too much. I curse a lot too, so if i were a contestant - this is probably where i would have been eliminated as well.

On to the biofeedback test - where the guys get hooked up to stress monitors and have to control themselves while a hot woman undresses in front of them. First thing I personally noticed about the woman.... why isn't this "external stimulus" wearing shoes? Only socks? It feels like they forgot a part of her costume.

Nothing exudes calm like this face:

Right ladies? Apparently watching "Nurse Samantha" makes Simeon look vaguely like a psychotic version of Kramer from Seinfeld.

Greg won, but I thought Todd should have. He was absolutely adorable throughout that entire challenge.

Hey look who's back? Well if it isn't Kosmo - hugs and inspirational quotes all around.

Then they learn pickup artist body language! Talking over the shoulder = only partially available = ladykiller!

Hey, check it out - mystery without a hat or sunglasses again! Now on to the elimination challenge - Greg gets to watch all the other guys attempts at picking up chicks because he won the biofeedback challenge. Brian is first - he talks to a group of women in his own goofy way.

Tara: She's offering him a condom, that's an I.O.I. if i ever saw one!Matador: It's a bachelorette party.....(in his mind: duh, YOU IDIOT! Sigh - I miss my British friend from season 1)

Back to Brian.Brian: "I would take you home, dip you in chocolate and throw tomato slices at you".Girl: hahahaha, what the?!?!

Rian tries to pull away only 1 girl for some alone time instead of the whole group of girls and freaks her out. Todd does a great job and even gets a phone number. Matt is still wearing the boa - and making stupid comments about it. Seriously dude, just ditch the boa....it's doing you more harm than good. Simeon - like Brian, goes for the bachelorette party and tries to spin exactly the same girl, but gets shot down. Carl - ugh, the caper opening..it's so lame. Greg's turn! whoever writes the captions is awesome:

Oh caption person, you are so right - he TOTALLY has nervous nostrils! He's learned from watching the other guys mistakes from the van - and got a couple ladies to sit in the VIP section with him....and gets a phone #.

how did i not notice mystery's female renaissance fair outfit before?

Matt knows he hasn't done very well. For some reason, in all of his talking heads it seems like he's giving a lecture. His tone of voice gets old fast. Oh hey, big surprise...Rian's crying again!

Elimination - this week's medallion is Legu (no idea how to spell it) - which is a symbol for cleansing. Greg chooses to make Matt & Brian immune to elimination. This is good news for Matt, since they were going to give him the boot this week after his shoddy performance for the past couple challenges. mystery wants to know his strategy and greg gives some bullshit answer about how he sees strength in both of these guys - Todd totally called it earlier when he said that Greg was just choosing the weaker guys so that his competition can be put up on the chopping block. Mystery says that he was going to send Matt home this week, but since he's immune - he's staying. Which means, someone who doesn't quite deserve it has to go home.

It's down to Carl and Rian - in all honestly, the thing that destroys Carl in the end is that terrible caper opener. Man they need to take this out of their repetiore of pickup lines. Hey, i think Rian's crying again! Tara looks vaguely like Vanessa Williams on Ugly Betty here.

And Carl gets eliminated, this poor guy never got a break. He was up for elimination at all 3 elimination ceremonies at his time on the show, but he did seem to make some improvement. hey, remember when you got your hair highlighted? that was fun..now get the fuck out.

paulina teaches the girls to wordlessly sell stuff. they take turns smelling fish. all of them, not just analeigh and marjorie.

this is paulina's episode! sweet! the girls meet her again to audition for a 30 second commercial. every time paulina is on screen , they give her a chyron with her name on it and the title "legendary supermodel". i don't know why i find this so funny. the girls must wordlessly portray a variety of emotions with costar (hotchacha) mark vanderloo. they finally figured out the best model commercials are the ones with no talking. so they start running on a treadmill, casting flirty glances and such, and then have to awkwardly exit the treadmill and plant a kiss on the guy. winner gets a $10,000 shopping spree.

after analeigh's kiss with mark, she says that his lips were quite soft and voluptuous, like marjorie's. i may have added part of that. marjorie runs like she's playing hopscotch on a miniature board. but it works for the judges and marjorie wins. she opts to evenly share her prize with analeigh. they're gonna share a closet soon anyway.

the hottie boat drivers from the go-sees are invited over. marjorie demands they bring wine. we finally discover how marjorie has gotten through life up to this point. turns out marjorie will be the only lady drinking this evening. she gets wasted with the boys and makes out with one of them (on a dare). analeigh totally forreal averted her eyes (her jealous, jealous eyes). marjorie gets in the tub (fully clothed) with one of the guys (wearing his skivvies). analeigh gets blind with jealousy overprotective and makes sure this is what marjorie wants to do. marjorie's answer? "i don't know." another hot dude is like "this is not your problem, american" and she's like "it IS (because marjorie only bathes with ME)."

ugh, marjorie seals the deal for me with this line, said in an after the fact interview: "Even though i was the only girl drinking, it meant everyone else could take care of me. HA!" oh nuh uh.

photoshoot: windmills (real ones, not aswirl twins), extreme hair and makeup. mckey is such a beautiful weirdo. hey, you ever notice in jay's OTF interviews how his eyes are always brighter than the rest of his face? do you think special light on his eyes or makeup?

mckey does well, marjorie looks lost, sam has a cool picture and analeigh is floating and wins the week. shut up shoket. ps, ann shoket is the guest judge.

analeigh is called first, followed by mckey. this leaves sam and marjorie. marjorie can't find a happy nervous drunk medium. samantha doesn't get the whole in-person model thing. and samantha is headed to the finals. but this will be down to analeigh and mckey, right? bye marjorie! smell you later, oui? btw, analeigh DIES about it.

That is my new title, by the way...I will soon have business cards printed up.

i was at one of my many jobs today, and a fellow came up and placed his order. he was helped by my coworker so i focused my attention on the next pair of customers. i hear him say "are you italian?" and assume he must be talking to me. so i look over at him, confirm that he is, in fact, talking to me, and tell him my ethnicity. then i go back to my customers. all of a sudden, i hear him say "¿como se llamas?" (do you like what i did there with the upside down question mark?)

ok listen, i am not a big fan of people assuming that because i am of hispanic heritage that i speak spanish. i did not grow up speaking the language, it was not spoken in my household, and i get really pissed when people get mad at me for not being fluent and chastise me for not knowing the language of my people. i took some years in high school and college, but i was born in this country, as were my parents, so there's no reason that just because i'm brown, you can talk to me in spanish. this would be like me automatically assuming that my white friends speak polish or russian or whatever. i make an exception if another latino person approaches me speaking it because usually they are just looking for someone to help them in their own language and they ALWAYS ask first if i speak it. this guy...this joker...i may not have mentioned it but he was white as snow. i answered him, told him my name, and went back to my customers. he interjected again, and now i'm getting pissed because i'm clearly with someone else. in spanish, he asked me if my family was mexican. what the fuck do you think? oh, no, they are all french, but i came out mexican! so i answer him IN ENGLISH that i was born in texas, as were both my parents, and we are all mexican.

but like, that's fucked up, right? i mean, a white dude came up to me, started a conversation in english, which i can clearly handle, and then started speaking his white boy spanish to me when he found out my background?? was he trying to impress me? am i going overboard here?

isn't it funny how when people fall going up the stairs, they usually run up the rest of the way after recovering?? do you think it's because they are trying to flee the scene in shame or because they want to prove that they can make it up the stairs?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

but i think i have to give up on my pick up artist recaps for this season. i know not a lot of you watch this show, but it did kind of pick up my spirits to see the non-regular readers those recaps brought in (as well as the anonymous commenting). i'm super behind on all my tv watching, and since i write out all my recaps before typing them up (no laptop), they take me a little longer to do. also, when tomorrow's episode airs, i will be about three episodes behind. the world has passed me by and it's too late for me to catch up. so reality corner is just going to be top model, until my day off average is better than one for every ten. i'm sure this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

a friend of mine has taken to calling me "miscellaneous princess" because of my ability to pass for a multitude of ethnicities. many people think i'm hawaiian because that's where i hail from, i get all sorts of different hispanic queries, was once asked by an indian lady if i was indian, and someone once thought my brother and i were asian (i don't get that one). surprisingly, several people have also thought i was a whitey. this is just a preface to a question i'll ask after the following story.

i stopped by my local rite aid tonight. i don't normally go there, usually i hit up the walgreens...it's further from my apartment, but it's on the way home from the subway, so i usually just stop in there when i need supplies. tonight, however, i had passed it when i realized i needed something, and it was raining and shitty, and the rite aid was just a block away, so i made one of my rare visits in. i was at the counter, my cashier was a young lady in her 20's, who had this awesome accent i wish i could describe accurately or at least could do a good impression of. She had the low register of one of those chain smoking gamblers at the slot machines, and some indescribable accent on top of that...part thug, part some ethnicity, part something else....aaand i'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. she kept giving me elevator eyes and telling me if the thing i was purchasing didn't work out to bring it back to her with the receipt and she'll give me a better one. as she gave me my change she was all 'you're so cute' and i responded as i do when anyone is hitting on me --- nervous laughter. she then said 'what are you, arabic? no...not arabic' i told her mexican and she goes (i REALLY wish i had an audio file of her saying this) "ooohhh, you a messican?! really? (elevator eyes)." she then said 'bella bella!!' i turned to her coworker, nervously laughed some more, and then made a quick exit.

the point of this story is to pose this question: should i start standardly answering "miscellaneous princess" whenever my ethnicity is questioned?

my buddy oscar alerted me to the fact that when you google image search “beatnik food”, a picture of me comes up. now apart from initially thinking this was some sort of practical joke/internet virus being passed along to me - when i realized he was for real - i thought it was pretty fucking awesome and proceeded to laugh to myself for about 10 minutes.

bonus note: the image after mine in the google search is one of my friend cheryl.

sadly though, i feel like a bit of a fraud - since i am neither a beatnik nor food, but hey i will ride this wave while it lasts. cheryl and i are the milli vanilli of beatnik food.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

i worked on a shoot in long island yesterday and one of my jobs for the day (aside from playing with some pretty cute dogs for a couple hours) was driving one of the shuttles. we wrapped up and left the location at about 4:15, and thus were doomed to be thrust into the thick of L.I.E. traffic. However, I opted to jump in the HOV lane (ps i finally just googled that to find out what it stands for...I never knew. i used to tell myself it meant "heavy overweight vehicle" but that didn't really make sense. it actually means "high occupancy vehicle") since i was carting a passenger. we breezed through probably about a half hours worth of bumper to bumper traffic-- the HOV lane was surprisingly free flowing. I looked at the hundreds of cars slowly crawling along in the regular lanes and asked my passenger why none of them were opting to jump in the carpool lane. "They can't all be passengerless, right?" I asked her, assuming that of course they weren't all passengerless. well, to the surprise of both of us, she announced that yes, in fact, all those cars only had one occupant--the driver. don't they realize they could be saving time, money, and the effing planet if they carpooled or just took the train?! seriously...hundreds of cars....clogging up the roads. i just can't believe it!!

off topic, here's something else that blew my mind tonight. i was with some dear friends of mine getting some after work drinks. eventually, we moseyed on over to the pool table, broke into two couples, and started a rousing pool battle. at one point, when my turn came up, the best shot i could take was only possible if i switched my hands. i said aloud "man, i guess i'll have to shoot this one lefty" to which my friends responded "Uh, what are you talking about? You've been shooting lefty this whole time." "Whaaaa?!?!?!" I say. That can't be right. Sure enough, as my other three friends (all right handed) took their turns, i saw that they held the cue opposite the way i've been doing it my whole life. throughout the rest of the game i kept interrupting my shot to be incredulous about not knowing I was shooting lefty this whole time. they tried to logically explain it to me...you want your right hand controlling the thrust (hehehe..thrust), but it felt as weird to me as trying to ride a skateboard normal footed. So i'm goofy footed and a lefty pool player. i'm all sorts of ambi-, aren't i?

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Previously: Boats and whores, plus sheena went home. we've got four weirdos and a sam left.

samantha celebrates making top five and suprise! Marjorie's nervous. she throws a hissy fit asking how the girls can be so comfortable after panel and i'm all ...because it's not before panel? and they all have a couple more days? i mean, right? how can they stand her?

go sees! hee hee all these dutch people speaking english makes me giggle. the girls have five designers to try and see in four hours. they each get cute lil boats. these girls all get lost and keep trying to ask for help in english. but those emotionless europeans aren't helping a lick. oh diss! one of the designers says elina isn't a model, but rather just playing one. four of the girls have all made two designers and marjorie's been lost the whole time. so after wasting one hour and fifteen minutes walking in circles, she gives up and moves on to the next designer. elina gets dissed by a second designer for having too many tattoos. elina says tattoos are the only way she can keep getting angelina jolie comparisons. oh wait, no she said they are the only way she knows how to express herself. does she have a shrink? because i mean...you know? all but mckey make it back in time. she is dq'd, which sucks because she made it to four of five designers and booked all four, and therefore would've won the challenge. samantha was too comemercial, elina is too tattooed, marjorie is crazy, and therefore analeigh default wins. i'm glad they called marjorie out on her too heavy reliance on the hunchback. analeigh gets an outfit from each of the designers as a prize.

does mckey have an accent? or is she just trying to be european? analeigh has to pep talk marjorie with sweet words and lesbian baths.

...i think i should've included samantha in the weirdo count...

ugh..tyra makes an entrance with a poorly acted skit and a "HEELLLLLL NOO!!" tyra will photograph the girls glammy and cleany. marjorie freaks out. shut up! we get it.

and now, a choice tyra line from each shoot--Sam: "Give me boy. Give me Oliver Twist."Marjorie: "Ready? Un deux trois." **ps, marjorie has one pose. gah! pps, tyra demanded that marjorie cut her hair, because it felt like fur. Analeigh: "Analeigh, I don't think she's a washed faced girl."Elina: "Exaggerate it, just really work it but make the face pretty."McKey: "Work that eye."

elina reads tyrapost and at the end, they adorable all go "love, tyra" in high voices.

panel--i think tyra's dress has a (penis) on it! guess what?! this week's shoot was inspired by a shoot tyra did once. can you believe it?

samantha does really well. analeigh is better with heavy makeup. marjorie is a ball of nerves. mckey also excels. elina is the oldest 18 year old ever.

samantha is called first. mckey follows, and then analeigh. this leaves marjorie and elina. i think it's pretty obvious what both their flaws are. alas, this is elina's third trip to the bottom and only marjorie's first, so elina is sent packing.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

i have to not be funny here so it can be very clear how very mad i am about california passing prop. 8. i know that two other states passed something similar (i'm looking at you arizona. i'd look at florida too, but they get a pass for going back to blue), and i know that i can direct a lot of my anger at arkansas for passing their ballot measure banning gay couples from adopting children, but honestly, i expected it from those states, so california gets my anger. after that awesome day earlier in the year, when thousands of couples learned they'd be given a basic right, and there was general glee all around, this was not even something that i considered had the possibility of passing. that is how blown away i am.

i am so frustrated that this country can take a huge step forward and back at the exact same time. same sex lovin' is nothing new. it's been around as long as people have been around. you guys know i've gotten incensed about this before, but that had to do with people (poorly) acting on their personal prejudices. this is different. this is official.

i'm frustrated that two people who love each other can't get married. i'm frustrated that a union between two members of the same sex is called 'gay marriage' instead of just 'marriage'. i'm frustrated at the people that say that allowing marriage between two people of the same sex ruins the sanctity of marriage. i come from three broken homes...there is nothing sacred about that. don't tell me marriage between a man and a woman is sacred and dismiss the love between two men or two women. i just can't believe that this is actually still an issue. i can't wrap my head around it. we don't choose who we love. we are all just people. don't tell me "what next? marrying goats?!?!" because that's a dumb argument. don't tell me it goes against your religion because that means you are just forcing your religion on others and that is not what this country is about. and don't fucking tell me that this group of tax-paying citizens is banned from the one thing everyone should be able to take for granted. i don't want to hear this "marriage is between a man and a woman." according to who? you want to take it to the bible? because that is all kinds of effed up, especially in a country like this.

it breaks my heart that so many people were given this right--and gladly exercised it in the last few months--all to see it just taken away. and it breaks my heart to think about how long this might last.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Alright guys, I'll try this one more time. I'm still a week behind, but i'm committed to this.

Karl returns to the group after eliminations. They are all shocked Kevin went home. There are geek hugs all around. Honestly, I don't know any of these guys' names. I'll learn 'em. Sorry I've been slacking this season, but last season is pretty hard to top. Both in that the ridiculousness of this show is more shocking/hilarious the first time around, and also that i feel like i was more on my game last year.

Mystery meets the nerds at a health center. He explains basic biology and how the body reacts in certain situations. some fake doctor tells the guys he will teach them how to use mindpower to keep their vitals low whence presented with an "external stimulus". The prize is a free visit to mystery's rape surveillance van to spy on the other guys during their field test, and to pick up a few pointers. The doctor doesn't so much as teach the boys how to control their vitals, but rather throws them in the fire and hopes for the best. Matt is first. He gets tied to electrodes with no expections. Needless to say, a scantily clad woman comes slinking out...wearing like a porno nurse outfit. after writhing around in front of the boys, she takes off her nurse dress and is all 'and here's m'boobs!'. I hate this show.

brian with the fro asks if he will be watching any videos. awkward. i hate this brian guy. and all the nerds (obvs including mystery) kind of love him. he is their nerd king. their dungeon master, if you will. ryan is up next and tara comments that he looks like he's sleeping. she adds "you can't pick anyone up while sleeping." to which mystery replies "I wish!" Really, Mystery? Do you really wish you could pick up chicks in your sleep? what would that accomplish? Ugh, how does this guy get laid all the time? i mean i know how, but WHY does it work?! Karl's next, followed by Greg. Greg is a little hottie. that anonymous commenter from last week's post just might be onto something. Todd needs to convince me that he's not gay. he's not doing a great job so far. simeon closes up the challenge. what's really gross about this, besides all of it, is that there is clearly a shot that was done solely for the camera (and is being edited to look like it's from the nerds' perspectives). Like, "Nurse Samantha*" (* not a real nurse) writhed and stripped eight or so times for the boys, and then an additional time where she's just talking to and stripping for the camera, for extra gratuitous naked lady footage. the winner of the challenge is hottie greg.

the boys get a lesson in body language. Kosmo! he's back! he's all growed up now. these guys all worship him. he is their true dungeon master. Actually, mystery is. kosmo, with his reality education and one year of experience, teaches the guys about body language. you know why? because winning gave him confidence. which is ALL these guys need. they don't need tricks or gambits or openers. matador looks super butch. i mean, like, a butch girl. i think i went to college with her.

woah! mystery's hair is down. eeehhh...i'd rethink that. field test -- they guys must open a set and convince them to go to the VIP section -- some guys do well, some don't, Simeon is still creepy. All the while, Greg is in the van watching Mystery & his wings basically deride the geeks' failures for not being assholey enough.

hold up. what. the fuck. is mystery wearing?! with his flowing locks down, he chose to pair black pants and a long sleeve shirt with a maroon fucking tunic over it. he looks ridiculous. obvs, greg wins the field test.

medallion time. Tonight is Legu (?) Greg is safe. as his wingman, he chooses matt and brian. dungeon master brian, what did i say? todd and simeon are also safe. this leaves ryan and karl. they both kind of suck, but karl sucks worst, so it's game over for him.

mystery's departing words to Karl? "It was a kick ass run brother."

I need to figure out how to phonetically spell vomming noises. it would actually come in pretty handy these days, considering the tapes i've been logging for nickelodeon.

Friday, October 31, 2008

i was telling a friend of mine about my latest apartment woes (i could write a book at this point)... in summary, my bathtub was running water at a pretty steady pace even though the knob was off. it started last friday. i'm on day 5 of a 12 day work streak, and my super doesn't work on the weekends, so there hasn't been any time for me really to do anything about it. tuesday morning i tried, but my super was busy elsewhere. today was the next chance i got. what i'm trying to say is, i've been listening to running water for a week straight now. it was driving me insane.

i was telling a friend of mine about this the other day and he asked me why i didn't just shut off the supply line. i told him that i would do that, but i only knew where the knob for the toilet was. he told me that it's the same one. he sounded very confident. so i went to the bathroom and checked out the toilet supply line. it looked like it just went straight to the toilet, so i searched for another one...the one by the sink maybe. i located that in the cabinet, but when i turned the knob, nothing happened. i sighed and gave up.

so what happens today when my super walks into my bathroom? he reaches down by the toilet and turns the knob...the running water immediately stops. i could've saved myself some sanity if i had tried turning the damn thing instead of just looking at it lead into the toilet. ok, i learned my lesson. can things stop breaking in my apartment now?

Previously: Joslyn went home, everyone else went to Amsterdam. If I went there I would say "Leuk dat je kijkt naar Nickelodeon" Which means "Good that you're watching Nickelodeon" or something....

The girls arrive in Amsterdam and are greeted by Daphne Deckers, host of Holland's Next Top Model, and she greets the girls in Dutch...I think she says "Good that you're watching Nickelodeon." Oh, actually she says "Welcome to Amsterdam." AmsterDAMN, i cannot WAIT until the girls have to do the mother tongue commercials. i imagine marjorie will appear as though she's having a stroke.

the girls have to choose partners before being released unto amsterdam to find their new home. winning pair gets 50 extra frames. McKey and Sheena would've been the fastest to pair up if Marjorie and Analeigh weren't already making out. this means sam is stuck with elina. this is why you never hang in threes.

LIFE HISTORY SNEAK PEEK: over footage of elina walking barefoot on a moving walkway, she says it was probably the most fun she's ever had. did she already hit the weed bar? maybe it's because immigrants don't know how to express fun.

sam & elina win the challenge, barely beating analeigh and marjorie. somehow mckey and sheena lost their lead. hilarious, since analeigh was called first last week, her commercial will play on repeat for the whole week.

the girls meet miss jay in the red light district. the girls are paired off and meet with designers to model in windows of brothels. OMG that gown jacket is awesome. the winners get brought back to amsterdam to walk in some shows (or something...i wasn't paying attention.) mckey and sam win. that's two wins for sam today.

the girls go to a boat for their shoot. the 'lady of the ship' as tyra puts it. how amsterdamian.

elina and sheena don't do great. analeigh impresses everyone, mckey outs herself as a freak by wearing her D&D outfit to panel. tyra outs herself as not knowing what the hell goes on on her own show by asking mckey if that was the outfit she won for winning the window challenge.

sam comes up and they make fun of her outfit by saying she looks like a mom. tyra immediately jumps up and goes over to sam to try and make some adjustments to better her outfit. she pulls shit around, skirts go higher, sleeves go shorter. it looks crazy. miss jay takes his pants off and throws them at sam. paulina assesses tyra's handiwork and says "now she looks like a mom that was hit by a truck." sam gets decent reviews, so it looks like the bottom might be sheena and elina. which brings me to katarzyna. she's doing well!!

mckey is called first, then analeigh, marjorie, and samantha. as expected, sheena and elina are clawing it out. i bet sheena wishes she listened when elina said she had a dream of the two of them crying. elina is lacking person and abundant in control. sheena is all personality and freedom lalala but inconsistent. aaaannnd...elina is safe again. bye sheena!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

As I was leaving my sometime office building in times square today, i heard some chanting going on. my friends and i looked over to military island and saw a sad little group of people holding McCain/Palin signs and shouting "Vote McCain, not Hussein!!" I didn't even have time to form my thoughts about how this angered me before we noticed the mob on our side of the street. our mob was not organized nor planned, as theirs was. our mob was just a huge group (probably bigger than theirs) of pissed off people that had collected probably whilst on their ways to the train from work. many were heckling the mccain lovers. it was awesome, mostly because i didn't think they expected any sort of retaliation. the best part is that some of new york's finest had to come out and line the streets on the side of our mob so no one would break free and bum rush the republicans. not that anyone would carve backwards m's in their faces anyway.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

so yesterday, i'm sitting around minding my own business, when that soul II soul song "back 2 life" gets stuck in my head. i decide i must get that song in my personal library and contacted the one person i knew would have it. then today, i'm sitting around, minding my own business all to "back 2 life, back 2 reality" and "howevah do you want me, howevah do you need me" a couple times back 2 back. finally i let my itunes continue playing, and it isn't until about five songs later that i realize it's not shuffling (as its normally set to do) but playing in order (as i change it to do when i need to Girl Talk my way through some home exercises). i realize this when spice girls songs start playing back to back.

i'm sure most of you know that there was a serious spice girl period of time in my life. i'm not ashamed of it, but i acknowledge that most of you are making fun of me right now because of it. i truly loved them and i still kind of do. so i'm sitting here thinking about how crazy i was about the spice girls way back when, and if you went to my room in hawaii you'd find not only spice girl books, lollipops, and posters, but also all the cds they put out (aside from the recent greatest hits collection) plus cds of all the singles they put out and even a spice girls video game. then i remembered they did a pepsi commercial one summer, and how i spent all summer watching music videos on mtv (did i just age myself?) just waiting to see that pepsi commercial. so i searched for it on youtube:

Saturday, October 25, 2008

marjorie and elina bond over being emotionally closed off Europeans. samantha is all, 'uh, haven't you lived here since you were, like 8?" and I'm all "mmHMM!!" and Elina freaks out about it and cries. because her newfound ability to cry is like my bathtub in its current state -- constantly streaming water. elina and marjorie found something to blame their awkwardness on and are really overusing it. thankfully, sheena and mckey are with me on this.

and here were are with those tweedle dee and dum aswirl twins. i wonder what these two do off season. i feel like they are kept in a box in storage somewhere. they don't seem to really even know what they are talking about. then there's james st. james playing with greenscreen body suits. they must sign these guests into contract 10 seasons at a time. speaking of, fucking SHOKET comes out. the girls must all wear green bodysuits and model invisibly. or something.

shoket and the pink haired designer are less than impressed with the girls. well, nobody is TEACHING them anything. it's not like other reality competition shows like project runway and top chef, where those contestants possess full and professional knowledge of the necessary skills. these are just pretty (sometimes) girls that want to be on tv and think they are pretty enough and tall enough to do it by way of 'modeling'. they don't teach these girls anything anymore! anytime anybody asks tyra how to smile with one's eyes, she ALWAYS responds "okay okay okay, look at me. right now i'm not smiling with my eyes (doesn't smile with eyes) okay? and now, i am smiling with my eyes (smiles with eyes)". fucking GREAT tyra. we KNOW you can do it, but can you please teach us how? (not me though, i totally know how to do it) Elina wins the challenge and shares her prize (seventeen photo shoot) with Annaleigh and Marjorie. all the wet blankets stick together.

marjorie and elina have started being elite europeans. i'm surprised they aren't wearing berets and putting skinny cigarettes out on people's faces. sheena wins me over a little here by telling them to grow up and get over it. i wonder if annaleigh is jealous of marjorie's new love. yo.

photo shoot - covergirl commercial. whitney is there and analeigh is like 'this is huge!' that HAD to be a fat joke. samantha does pretty well, it seems. joslyn is feeling sick, elina is too controlled, mckey is "clueless", cute analeigh kind of is awesome, joslyn pukes everywhere, marjorie is all hunchbackica nervosa, sheena does really well, joslyn powers through her vomit...she overdoes it, but at least she did it. right? spoiler alert -- no.

marjorie of course thinks she'll be on the chopping block, but she keeps saying 'shopping block'. maybe it's an immigrant thing. at panel, tyra briefly and pointlessly brings back the panel challenge and makes the girls walk in clogs. oh i guess it wasn't pointless, but rather tyra's fun way of telling the bitches to pack their bags they're going to AMSTERDAM!!! the aswirl twins come out dressed as windmills. what is going on with this show?

seven girls remain, 6 are going to amsterdam. those 6 include analeigh, sheena, sam, marjorie, and mckey for sure. this leaves joslyn and elina. samantha is awesomely repeatedly whispering joslyn's name. one took great pics but has faltered, one took great pics, but can't let go of some control. sheena also whispers joslyn's name. tyra says it aloud and i guess elina goes home because this is where my dvr cuts off.

but i'm wrong. as discussed with my smart and handsome brother, my dvr cut out right in the middle of an unfortunate sentence structure of tyra's, and rather Joslyn is the one that got the boot.

Alright. So here's the deal -- I know i'm very tardy with this pick up artist reality corner. i'm generally behind with my television watching right now, but i'm doing my best to catch up. i got halfway through a recap of the first episode and i was way too bored with it. this is going to be a lot of repetition from the first season, so I decided to just pull ridiculous quotes from Mystery (and others if otherwise noted).

Let's just catch everyone up first. There is the promise of Kosmo, last season's winner. Matador grew his hair out and lost a ton of weight. he looks even cartoonier than before. the fake british dude seems to have been replaced by last year's date-for-hire, Tara. There were like 3 separate time killing intros into the first episode. In case you missed any of those intros, or are not even planning on watching the show, a fairly accurate description can be found by clicking here.

Alright, I didn't start collecting quotes til halfway through the first episode, but this will also cover the second ep. In or out of context, these quotes are worthy of mockery and eye rolling. as stated above, all quotes are from Mystery, unless otherwise noted.

"i'll let you snack on my girls"

"now i'm known as a fashion misfit, but tonight there will be no crutches. I won't need my hat." [his power is in the hat!!]

"picking up women is fun! and easy!"

episode 2

"Matt, since you've won today's reward challenge, you win what is inside this bag. this is my secret accessory. i'll teach you how to use that later. " [heyo!]

[ps the secret accessory is a black boa]

"notice by talking to the man first, he's gotten permission to talk to the girls." - matador [oh, really? this is what you're teaching. that a man is in charge of a whole group of ladies he's with and makes the decision of who the girls talk to?]

[just another pause from the quotes. so one of the dweebs was being super creepy during his field test and the girls he was trying to talk to were being unnecessarily rude so tara was all "what bitches!!" and then mystery gets all whiny and is like "welcome to reality! now you know what guys have to deal with!" like, yeah douche, that's the realistic response a girl gives when a guy is being CREEPY.]

"See this man right here? why didn't he introduce himself to this man and pay respect to the man first?" [!]

Thursday, October 23, 2008

oh dear. you know when you're close to something, so that's all you wait for, but then one day you forget about it, and all of a sudden you've missed what you were waiting for? no? is that just me? well, i knew becca and i were close to post 600, and then i forgot to pay attention, and i missed it. SO, first things first - HAPPY 600TH POST Becca!!!

(this is what i imagine becca would say): HAPPY 600TH POST Sara!!!

ok, so now we're on 601 with secret redface. i went to a nearby pizza place on my break the other day (you may remember it) and right after i ordered my slice, a younger lady came up to me and was like 'i'm only asking you this because you're a girl'...i kind of panicked here, worrying i wouldn't be a good enough girl in case she had any really girly questions to ask. i did hold a small amount of pride in the fact that i would have a tampon if she asked. she went into a tale of how her son was playing in the sink water in the bathroom and got her all wet and how bad is the stain on her ass. i lied to her and told her it wasn't too bad. truth was, it looked like she pissed herself. however, it was mostly on the inside of the leg, so i did tell her it was barely noticeable if she kept her legs together. that was mostly true.

so then i turn to order a tasty beverage and i think the pizza man says "why are you in a rush?" I respond "Oh, i only have half an hour". He repeats himself "why is your face red?". i told him the truth, which was that it was cold outside and really warm inside (i was wearing a coat) and the temperature change was making me overheat. do you guys think he thought i was redfaced because i had to check out that lady's ass?

let's get to the point here. i was aware that my face was red but for some reason, i've always thought that my sweet mexican caramel skin masks my frequent blushing (be it for temperature related reasons, or other), but it apparently does not, and omg, how many things have i totally blushed at that i thought were unnoticeable but apparently everyone in the world can see when i get a red face? how many things out there should i feel awkward about? my cover is blown!

Monday, October 20, 2008

i've been tagged by by the ol' ball and chain...she tags me a lot for these things and i always mean to do them, but then forget until too much time has passed. but this one requires no thought, so i'm getting it out of the way...

* Grab the nearest book.* Open the book to page 56.* Find the fifth sentence.* Post the text of the next sentence* in your blog along with these instructions.* Don’t dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

there is an older african-american gentleman that lives on the first floor of my building...he's probably in his 60's, always wears white head to toe (hats included) and he's pretty friendly. he spends his days (all of them) either sitting in a lawn chair in front of the building, greeting all passersby with "hello beautiful", standing in front of the building greeting all passersby with "hello, beautiful", or sitting in his giant maroon car (always parked in the prime spot in front of the building) staring at everything. he's a little weird, but in a totally nonthreatening way.

he also seems to be a very religious guy. back when i had a busted leg and a boot, he asked me what was wrong. he then asked if i wanted him to pray for me. i thought he meant when he did all his prayers at the end of the day (?) and i may not be much of a prayer myself, but i'm not going to turn down someone else's prayer. i did not know that he meant right there in front of the building (while i was kind of in a rush on my way to work). he put his hand on me and started his enthusiastic praying. when he finished, he said 'ok, it won't hurt anymore'. it was a little awkward. mostly because i mean, it did hurt and i still had to wear the boot. i wonder if he thought i was just going to pull off the boot and go running down the streets.

anyway, all that was to give you an idea of this guy. now onto the tale at hand. i was leaving my building yesterday to pick up my laundry. i'm severely limping because of the ol' broke toe, and i have my granny basket with me. we do our normal 'hello beautiful!'-'how are you?'-'have a great day!' exchange when he throws me for a loop. "you like cake?" he asks. mind you, he's asking me whilst eating a donut, with his mouth covered in glaze and powdered sugar. like seriously all over his mouth. i'm a little thrown off by this, so i just answer yes and try to keep moving. he opens the back door of his car and says "take a box of cake". i peer into his car and there are about 10 unmarked cardboard boxes stacked in his backseat. i say "those are all cakes?" and he says "if you want a box, take it, if you don't, don't." at this point i'm very confused but i also don't want to hurt his feelings. i peer in a box, and it seems to be filled with individually wrapped donuts. i just take it and decide i'll figure out what to do with it later.

so now i'm struggling with a box of 24 donuts that i don't really want, and my cart, and my limp. the box is too big for the cart, so i have to carry it both to the laundromat to pick up my clothes, and back with now a full cart and a limp. i get into my apartment and inspect the donuts. really what i'm looking for is some kind of name brand or explanation as to why this guy would have 10 boxes of this in his car that he's just giving away. the packaging on the donuts is clear with only small blue writing at the bottom with the ingredients. i look closer for a brand, because everyone brands everything. the only thing i can find is Acme Cake Company. that sounds fake.

but now i ask, what should i do with these? my first instinct was to just throw them out because i really don't need 24 donuts in my life, but it feels like kind of a waste. it does seem like acme cake company is an actual brooklyn cake company. i guess what i'm asking is, does anyone want a strange man donut?

Friday, October 17, 2008

and yes - i did scan one of my troll dolls. i actually did this a like 4 years ago probably.....once a weirdo, always a weirdo.

i had the idea to be a troll doll last year, and was too lazy to actually pull the costume together, but this year - i think i might give it a try.

the main thing that i'm a little perplexed about it the hair.....somehow make my actual hair stand on end and spray it pink...or get some sort of troll like pink wig? i was such a crafty kid/teenager....but i have gotten lazy in my old age.

i think i may have broken my toe, y'all. like, actually for real. i still have my old computer boxed up and laying around because i need to get a power cord for it before i can sell it. bad luck patch has been continuing and i stubbed a couple toes on my left foot. it hurt worse than i remember stubs hurting and i'm pretty positive i heard a loud crack. i peter griffined it for a while, unable to move anything because of all the pain. when i could move again, i crawled to my living room to finish my delishus cheezburger. and i'm really bummed that i couldn't fully enjoy that cheezburger because i made it slightly different this time and it was so tasty. after i finished, i do what i always do in this situation -- instant message my brother. then i got really dizzy and had to lay down in case of faintage. when i got my bearings, i quickly made it back to the couch in the living room before the dizziness returned.

you know how when you stub your toe, it's like, a dull pain for a little while and then it's done. well, it was like that for one of the toes, the other has a sharp pain and is rather uncomfortable. but it's like my fourth toe, so it's kind of useless to do anything about it, right? there isn't really anything i can do anyway, riiight?

morning update: i definitely think my toe is broken/fractured. i was hoping the pain would lessen overnight, but it hasn't, and now there's some bruising. and honestly, walking shouldn't be this much of a problem. why do i keep doing these things to myself?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

a couple months ago, when things were pretty dire for me job-wise, i started perusing craigslist to look for additional income. before ever even responding to the cookie ad, there were a few job postings i hesitantly went after. i say hesitantly because at this point i wasn't fully committed to finding an additional job, and therefore i didn't really expect much from the one or two other posts i responded to. when i was looking, i perused the food service area (for bartending and hosting jobs), the media area (because that's what i know), and the writing area (because i think that's something i could get into). one ad was searching for a witty blogger that knew how to do internet research and was familiar with celebrity and entertainment goings-on. well, if that's not me, i don't know what is. so i responded to the ad, leaving a link to this blog for some writing samples. i didn't hear back from them, but didn't really give it a second thought. then, the cookies found me and i stopped looking.

a couple weeks ago (aka about a month and a half after responding to the original ad) i get an email in my email box regarding this ad i responded to. they were asking if i was still interested, and if i were, could i please let them know when i would be available for a phone interview. for a second i considered taking on what would essentially be a third job doing witty celebrity blogging, which i feel i could kind of do in my sleep and might be worth the extra effort. that is, until, i got to the part of their email where they dropped the name of their site. it's taken me a while to write this post because i didn't really want to immediately be like 'omg guys go here!!!' so soon after i'd responded to them (i link to this blog in my email signature), but i feel like they probably don't care, i don't care, and enough time has passed. allow me first to let you guys see the site that wanted me to write for them: flisted. i'll wait til you return...oh and, PS, that site is generally NSFW.

ok, like seriously? seriously? listen, i can sit around and talk about how hot a girl is if you want me to, but all those posts are like 'look this girl has huge tits and i want to bang her'. seriously, i would just have to write that about 10 times a day!! "monday - here's a picture of some 'hot' chick with fake tits. i bet i could totally bang her." "tuesday - this chick is so hot, i'd bang her clear to next week" "wednesday - this chick may not be that hot, but damn she's got some huge tits. i'd bang the hell out of her"

so i guess my question is - should i have taken the interview, seeing how easy the job would've been? or is it good that i politely declined? on the one hand, it would've been a totally easy, mindless job. on the other, i could never tell my mom about it and seriously, i couldn't do that every day.

also, can you read five posts there and tell me if wittiness was required for any of them?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

if someone plays a prank in the woods, and no one is around to laugh at it, does that just make the prankster an asshole?

by telling this story, i'm invalidating my point. before, when i was just a victim with no audience, the prankster was an asshole. now i'm telling my tale, and others will laugh, and the prankster will have won.

you know everyone's favorite prank where you loosely screw the cap of a salt shaker on so that when someone goes to salt their food, you essentially ruin a perfectly good meal for them? well that happened to me, but at a pizza place. and with the red pepper flake shaker. and because i never try to cause a rumble, when the pizza man offered me a new slice i just told him i would 'wipe it off'. i don't know if i realized that this would be similar to an arts and crafts project - the cheese being glue and the pepper flakes glitter. needless to say, i could not just 'wipe it off'. i got most of it, but not without burning my fingertips and mouth. i was then sweaty for the next hour at work. thanks jerk mystery prankster. i hope you're happy now that others can laugh at me. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Previously: Marjorie was a french weenie. a oui-nie. (i'm sorry, that's two puns already...i'll stop.) clark got overconfident, which we all know is the kiss of death. na na na na na na...

we get some more background on elina's craziness. some of the girls talk about how annaleigh isn't competition. l.b. is one of them. then they say it to her face. fuel the fire girls.

stupid tyra delivers tyra mail herself. double the dose of rhyming couplets this week. she talks at the the girls about how great she is. tyra will coach the girls through 20 frames, then they will review the pics together, and redo them. the purpose is to find a signature pose. l.b. samantha, and annaleigh seem to struggle.

ok, they really need to stop playing french music when marjorie is onscreen. she's been here like half her life. i wonder if she will find it as offensive as i would if every time i came onscreen they played the mexican hat dance. or if my work made me dress up in a sombrero and mustache. the girls are informed after the fact that this has been a challenge. marjorie wins and gets some diamonds. she shares her prize with annaleigh.

photo shoot: night at the fiercees. ps, i know i'm alone here but i really can't stand sheena. in today's photo shoot, the girls will act out some embarrassing moments that could (or have) happened during award shows.

marjorie has to pee but can't get out of her dress, samantha can't read cue cards, elina is the overemotional sobber. oh there's whitney, probably eating cupcakes. l.b. is tripping on the red carpet, mckey is the overconfident also ran, sheena has someone step on her dress, joslyn has the same dress as another, and annaleigh is the interviewer with attitude.

marjorie is called first, followed by annaleigh (take that haters!), mckey, samantha, elina, and joslyn. that leaves sheena and l.b. i'm guessing sheena. l.b is high fashion but zero personality, sheena is all personality. this is the pair of the cycle that has what the other needs. woah. sheena is safe. that's kind of bullshit. see, i am the only one that hates her. wow. l.b. fell quickly. i mean, i never really liked her. she gets all weird and defensive about how many friends she has at home and how THEY like her personality.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

as i've mentioned here before, i go through patches of unfortunate luck. i have a feeling that i'm wading through one of those patches right now, what with my kitchen sink recently calling it quits, that time i committed to a shower before realizing that the water was not warming up at all, and the call i got from my building's management company yesterday saying they never received my rent check (even though, according to my bank, they received and deposited it). i'm hoping that this patch ended with the events of last night, the details of which still cause me to make this face: >:O

i had plans last night to meet up with Moms in order to see a mutual friend in a play. we had planned to meet a little over an hour before the show and grab some food and beverages. we met at the theater and decided it was best to buy our tickets first, to ensure we would get seats. we were greeted by our first sassy gay boy of the night, who told us that the show was sold out. he then offered to put us on the waiting list, but made a point to say that if we were to get in on the waiting list, we would not get the wednesday night discount rate of $10, but would instead have to pay the full $18 price. THAT IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, RIGHT?! so moms raised a stink about it, he coyly fed us the line "we'll see what kind of mood i'm in when you get back" and told us to return at 8:25.

so then we head off in search of McCann's Pub, a place nearby that our mutual play-starring friend suggested would be great to satisfy our hamburger and beer cravings. we head off in search of this so-called pub. in the meantime, moms is so hungry i fear she might soon break into some sort of violent reaction. we are having trouble finding the place, so we stop into a place that looks decent called Pop Burger. after perusing their menu and noticing that they have both burgers and beer, we decide to eat there. we are greeted by two more sassy bitchy gays who seem as uninterested in taking our order as if we were asking a couple of random customers. one of the cashiers seems awfully confused by the register, and they both kind of ignore Moms ordering. We decide 'fuck this noise' and ask if they know where McCann's Pub is. Immediately, they both are like 'we don't know this area' 'i don't know anything about it' but they tell us that there is a Pop Burger Lounge up the stairs. Moms asks if the prices are the same (two 3oz burgers for $7, a beer for $4) and they tell us that indeed they are. We head up the stairs and get a seat in the fancy lounge. i immediately notice on the menu that they are charging $8 for a beer and $15 for the two 3oz burgers. apparently, going up a level makes everything cost twice as much. we apologize to the waitress, tell her we were lied to downstairs, and continue on in search of mccann's pub.

as we are walking with no luck, we pass a building with a couple of doormen hanging around outside. Moms asks them if they know of McCann's Pub. They say that yes, they do know of the place, and that it in fact closed about 3 years ago. !!! ready for the kicker? he then continues with "do you guys know where Pop Burger is? That's where it used to be." !!!! OF COURSE the place we were endlessly searching for was overtaken by fucking POP BURGER.

ugh, so we end up at this wonderful little place called Burger Heaven, quickly enjoying delicious cheezburgers and cheap beers. it gets to be about 8:23, so we head outta there. we get back to the theater at 8:27. the original sassy gay notices us, waits a few minutes, gets on his walkie talkie, and then basically tells us we're shit outta luck. i'll tell you what kind of mood he was in when we got back, bitch mood. even though we were only two minutes after when he told us to be there, he had it out for us and seeing that play last night was not meant to be. then with the fakest smile around he says "try again!". oooh i could've killed some people last night and burned some places down.