How to Talk Dirty Without Being a Bad Man

The word “slut” can either be hot as hell—as when used consensually in bed—or problematic as hell. Name-calling is a really enjoyable part of kinky dirty talk, but in the era of #MeToo it can feel very weird and even anti-feminist. But calling her a slut when she asks you to is actually extremely feminist: She's vocalizing her desires, and you're following her rules. And you may feel like a creep, but if it’s what gets her off, you’re being a good partner by satisfying her desires (and you might enjoy it yourself). There's a big difference between consensual name-calling and malicious name-calling in, say, the workplace. Just because someone is into erotic massage roleplay doesn’t mean they want to be taken advantage of by a professional masseuse when they go to the spa after a long week of work. In fact, I can assure you that they do not. Context is everything. Sometimes people just want some love and kinky sexual healing from their partner. Using the word “slut” in bed is no different. Scared? Turned on? Both? Good. Read on and I’ll explain everything.

Know That This Kind of Thing Doesn't Make Her a Bad Feminist

The #MeToo movement has some men tripped up about sex and dating. That confusion is good—if we’re confused, at least we’re thinking. Women have tried to make it clear that sexual assault is not sex, and sexual harassment is not flirting. We're not trying to malign sex. We still want to enjoy healthy partnerships and get laid. Healthy romantic and sexual relationships are consensual and they put all partners on an equal playing field, even if one of you is very rich and famous. Speaking specifically to kink, and even more specifically to name-calling in bed, what happens within a consensual relationship is incomparable to the heinous non-consensual treatment women experience in the workplace. (And at the pet store, the bank, on airplanes, etc.) In a healthy and consensual relationship, the bedroom is a safe space. It’s there for making love and getting off and exploring desires. If your girlfriend’s boss called her a slut at work, she’d feel the distinct stabbing pain of sexual harassment. She’d go through the brutal mental process of wondering if reporting him will cost her her job. But if she asks you, her lover and partner, to call her a slut in bed because it turns her on, she’s bravely sharing her kinks because she wants to get off.

And It’s Okay If You Like It Too!

When you call someone a filthy name in bed, you’re not just doing them a favor—it doesn’t make you a bad man to get off from it, too. Sexual pleasure is a two-way street. If I asked someone to call me a slut during sex and they were like, “Fine, I guess, but for the record I do not approve, though I’ll still bone you,” I’d be like, “Gross, stop kink-shaming me, and no, thank you.” If verbal humiliation is a hard limit (something that you don’t want to try) just say so: “Hey, I respect that you’re into that, but I just don’t think I’m up for it.” Any type of sex should involve enthusiastic consent from both of you. Just don’t make her feel bad about herself for expressing her healthy (yes, healthy!) desires. And if name-calling and dirty talk turns you on, lean in. Enjoy it. You obtained consent. You’re grown-ups. Give the woman what she wants.

Cuddles, Please

Verbal humiliation can get a little intense. Even I, a well-adjusted sexual creature with few hang-ups and a church-less childhood, will occasionally try something filthy AF and afterwards say, “But you love me and think I’m a goddess, RIGHT?” So after you call your partner a slut (or whatever word she wants to hear) and you both come your faces off, make sure to practice aftercare. Aftercare is what the kink community calls checking in with one another after sex. Everyone should do it, whether you spit on one another on the bathroom floor or have missionary sex in the dark. After you call your girlfriend a slut during sex, make sure to hold and cuddle her. She knows, intellectually, that you think highly of her, and she knows that the dirty talk was part of hot consensual sex. But sex, especially sex that’s emotionally or physically intense, is best followed with snuggling and reassurance of feelings. So after you call her names whilst inside of her, hold her tight and tell her how you worship the ground she walks on. And NEVER call her a slut outside of dirty talk. Duh.