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Top 10 Tips for Newborns

When you're a new mom, there's no shortage of resources to
help you schlep to the top of the learning curve.

Don't get me wrong — I'm certainly not saying it's easy to
find all the answers! In fact, when you're first figuring out how to operate a
diaper and determining which cleansers are best at removing spit-up stains
(spoiler alert: NOTHING removes spit-up stains), wading through billions of
articles and books, each overflowing with information, it can be more overwhelming
than helpful.

That's especially true considering that half the time the
"experts" don't seem to agree (just tell me once and for all
whether or not pacifiers are going to ruin my kid's teeth), and the rest of the
time you can still just pretty much throw their recommendations directly out
the window since they talk a lot about "normal" this and
"average" that, even though babies aren't exactly known for
conforming to any kind of expectations based on what other babies have
done.

However, having too much information is arguably preferable
to not having enough — or, in the case of newborns, having none at all.

Wait, newborns? What?

That's right. Think about it. A new mom can easily Google
anything from "2-month milestones" to "are these $%@& stretch
marks ever going to go away?!?" but how's her brand new baby supposed to
know what to expect? While mom consults shelves of books to find out exactly
which shade of greenish-brownish-yellowish poop should be cause for alarm,
where's the advice for her newborn?

Right here, that's where.

Everyone's publishing tips for new moms, but we're finally
publishing the insider info that their babies would love to have — you know, if
they could read and knew how to use the internet. Here are our top 10 tips for newborns.

1. When mommy's dressing you, you can make the
process more efficient by sticking all your limbs though a single arm hole of
your onesie.

2. A note on peek-a-boo: Don't worry, she'll be
back. PROBABLY.

3. But in case mommy ever gets lost, it's wise to
leave a trail of pacifiers everywhere she takes you so she can find her way
home.

4. If you cry at 3 a.m., you get to have mommy all
to yourself!

5. Your parents think spoons are airplanes full of
food. Just humor them.

6. Good places to sleep: car seat, mommy's lap, daddy's chest when he's reclined on the couch but was just about to get up,
electric swing that's going to run out of batteries in two minutes, moving
stroller.

9. Gravity is fun, but you never know where you'll
find it. Test your home for Gravity by throwing food off your high chair tray
and attempting to roll off the bed every time Mommy turns her back for three
seconds.

10. Poop. Like, constantly. Otherwise they get
worried and take you to the doctor.

You're welcome, newborns. As for the rest of you who already
have experience being babies yourselves, please leave your own tips in the
comments!