When I was a child a tried out a lot of different sports; I did tennis for a few seasons, I tried out handball, teakwondo, funky dance, swimming and gymnastics. Some of it I quite liked, but I also remember quite clearly feeling nervous and insecure a lot. To give a few examples I'm really not a fan of deep waters and balls flying directly to me. I'm not a self defence kind of girl either, even though I remember thinking it was cool to respect another culture like that and greeting the Chorean flag. And we also learned to count to three in Chorean, even though I have no idea how to do that now.

I remember being a bit worried and sad when I knew sports and physical education was on the schedule in school. Not because I hated being active, just because I didn't like the way it was done. The teacher forcing you to run faster and faster or do stuff you really do not like (like swimming in deep water, climbing trees, jumping on a huge air matress - yes, I'm a chicken too, it doesn't make it easier). But especially I hated the feeling of not being as good as the other kids. She is better at throwing, he is running faster, she has a better balance, he is better at catching, he can kick the ball in a straight line, they are having fun.

I rarely had fun in those classes. I often wondered what people were talking about when they said that doing sports made them feel high. That it made them feel happy. I just didn't get it, 'cause I just felt hopeless and wrong. I wasn't a good runner, I couldn't do somersaults and I was afraid of balls coming towards me with high speed. And then you're standing there feeling patronized by the sportsfan, that has to win whatever it takes and thinks it's so annyoing being teamed up with that fat girl that doesn't know how to do anything... At least when it comes to sports.

When I graduated from high school I joined the gym and I really wanted to enjoy it. I just had to enjoy it. And it wasn't as bad compared to how I felt in school. But it wasn't great either and I was so frustrated because of it. Why does everyone else feel such joy in exercise, when I just.... do not? I was so embarassed about turning red and sweaty. Embarassed about not running faster or longer. Not lifting enough weight. Embarrased that everyone else was doing so much better than me and I was sure it was all because I was chubby and wrong.

When I joined the gym here in Aarhus I realized that something had changed. All right, I had to get going in the beginning, but suddenly I was smiling when I left the gym. Sometimes I even came home after a lecture at the university and heard my self saying: "I just really want to go to the gym!" Wait, what? Did I really just say that?! I could feel what they were talking about; I got high and happy. I felt like doing it instead of being something I ought to do.

What changed? Probably "just" me. First of all I didn't have a huge goal with my work outs. I didn't join the gym to loose a lot of wait, I just wanted to be more comfortable. I already told you yesterday that I had a knee injury and that was why I signed up. I wanted to make it better and less painful. And it got better quite quickly. So far so good!

I realized that earlier I had spent all my energy thinking about how bad I was at everything. And it ate away whatever happiness I could have gained form working out. If you use all your energy thinking about how embarrassing it is that you're fat and that your face is going red and that you're not running as fast as the girl next to you, then where's the joy supposed to come from? I was thinking that it all was because I was fat. I hated when my face was red and when I was sweating, and I was sure that it only happened because of my weight. Until a (skinny) girl sitting next to me at a lecture at the university told me that happened to her to five minutes after she started working out.

And that day I realized that we all react differently, nomatter if we're fat or thin. Okay, I might find things harder, I might get shorter of breath, I might get more tired because I'm bigger, but then that's my starting point. And the girl running faster next to me may have been working that speed up for months or years - who knows?

And it really made me think about that I used to spend all of my energy thinking about that others were thinking off me. Surely, I thought, they had to think all kinds of nasty things about how weak and heavy and red and sweaty I was. And how horrible I looked. And I was sure everyone was looking at me in the changing room agreeing that I was horrible. And seriously, when you spend your energy on such negative thoughts is it really a wonder that you don't get happy from working out?

But it has changed now, luckily. Believe me, I still have bad days where I'm sure that woman with the perfect body over there is looking at me and thinking bad things about me. But I also have days where I'm thinking that people probably just think the same about me as I think of them. And they're probably not looking that much anyway, after all they are there to do their thing. Working out.

When I see a woman at the gym who's clearly fighting to get results I'm thinking she's cool for being here! When I see someone with a face as red as mine I think she's cool for being there and enjoying it! When I see a woman and look one extra time it's probably just because I like her shoes or clothes or her hair or tattoo - or something like that! Long story short I don't look at people and think bad thoughts, so why should people do that to me?

Anyway, if they do it's not really my problem - I pay for my membership at the gym just like them! And then at least I can always remind myself that it's cool that I'm there and enjoying it (most days, anyway.. 'Cause you'll have days where you just don't feel like going - and that's okay too).

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Hi! I'm Malene. I'm a 20-something Danish plus size woman with a love for pretty things and the world. On this blog you will find my plus size outfits and bits and pieces of everyday life. If you want to know more about me check out my "About"-page or contact me on pieceofmymindblog@gmail.com . Thanks for reading - I hope you enjoy!