The Academy Awards and the NBA All-Star game – two big cultural events occurring at the same time. Last night would have been an amazing time to live tweet my thoughts as I flipped back and forth between both events, because I love basketball just as much as I love looking at fancy pretty people be nervous and spiteful.

I have a twitter account, which you can find here, but I never use it. Feel free to follow me if you like following people that average one tweet every two months.

Flipping between both events, I found myself mashing the two into each other, but never actually writing down and tweeting any of my thoughts. I can’t let good content go to waste, so I am now going to present all of my thoughts here, for you, right now – all in one shot.

These are the things I would have tweeted last night as I watched both The Oscars and the NBA All-Star game if I weren’t so apathetic towards Twitter.

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Kevin Durant was snubbed for his performance in The Help. He really shit in that pie…which is a new phrase I hope catches on.

Meryl Streep is a great actress and all, but if she wants to win any more Oscars after tonight, she should dawn a mascot costume and do a double front-flip dunk over some school kids.

Marv Albert should have narrated The Artist.

I want to flip back-and-forth and see Jack Nicholson sitting front row at both events at the same time.

Marv Albert’s hair piece should have won for Best Visual Effects. On second thought, maybe Best Documentary.

Why do the people sitting down in a theater have more energy and enthusiasm than the people playing a sport?

Best Short Film should have gone to the people that made those NBA Cares commercials. They make me believe Kobe Bryant actually cares about someone other than himself.

During the player introductions, Derrick Rose was making the same face actors make when they find out they didn’t win an Oscar.

If Chris Paul were a red carpet correspondent, he would always toss it back to Blake Griffin once his segment on fashion flubs ended.

The cast of Bridesmaids would demolish either team, mostly due to their blistering defense and uncanny ability to take a dump on the floor.

Someone should ask all the NBA All-Stars who they’re wearing just to see them swirl in circles as they attempted to find the tag on their jersey.

Less female performers were injured during the Cirque Du Soleil performance at the Oscars than during the Chris Brown performance at the All-Star game.

Tom Cruise is the Muggsy Bogues of acting.

After Dwayne Wade bloodied Kobe’s nose, Reggie Miller said, “The winner of this game will be the first to…draw blood!” Reggie Miller is the Bruce Vilanch of basketball.

At the technical awards ceremony, the Dunk Intensity Meter (Presented By Sprite) was nominated for Achievement In Randomly Generating a Series of Arbitrary Numbers. It lost to a set of Yahtzee dice.

Spike Lee sat a few seats away from NBA legend Oscar Robinson. That’s the closest Spike will ever be to an Oscar.

Billy Crystal is a huge Clippers fan. So much so that he uses the phrase “Lob City” to describe his monologue jokes.

If Joan Rivers were to see NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager walking down the red carpet, she would have a stroke.