Wednesday, May 25, 2011

so.i feel cosmically weary. i feel somewhat invisible. i feel sad that all of these people have left winnipeg. i feel i could sleep for a year and a half. i feel unready to leave my pyjamas. i feel wounded and hurt, deeply. i feel personally attacked, although i know i shouldn't take these things personally. i feel proud of our work. i feel inadequate. i feel so happy to have worked with these womyn. i feel frightened i'll never see them again. i feel the future is unknown. i feel like i didn't do enough. i feel i should have held everything together better. i feel really angry. i feel a lot of assumptions and lack of gracefulness has ruined my day. i feel i need to chill out for awhile.

Monday, May 02, 2011

some days, in order to feel anything at all, i need to visualize prying my heart open with a crowbar.is this normal?i am only 30 years old and already am finding it difficult to live with an open-heart. to not be shut down to new experiences, new relationships, new friendships, new possibilities.i feel like every wound i've experienced results in a bandaid or a plastic board or a steel plate put around that part of my heart, shielding it from further hurtthis is . . . not goodit is sometimes a struggle to engage. it is sometimes hard to start the day anew with an intention of living openly, freely, with arms open to the gifts of the day and the gifts of Christ. It is sometimes difficult to engage and to feel things when i know the risks of being wounded again, by anything and anybody, friends, loves, coworkers, new jobs, puppies, mentors.anywaythis is all sounding very dramaticwhat i am saying is that i have the ability to completely shut off emotionally. and i find that sort of frightening.b