Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Total Bozo Magazine 2014-2015 NBA Preview

By: Ben
Johnson

Something like this. Many times. Soon.

It’s that time of year again! The NBA
basketball time! NBA teams will start playing basketball games against each
other! They will keep playing basketball games for a long time! They will play
82 games! Each! Then, after playing 82 games (EACH), the eight NBA teams with
the best record from each conference will play a tournament-style playoff which
can include up to 105 additional games! Then at the end of that tournament the
NBA teams will stop playing games all over again, and there will be a NBA
champion team! That’s all starting tonight! It’s exciting.

I predict the following 30 NBA teams will
play games this year:

Boston
Celtics
– Prediction: The Celtics will play 82 regular season NBA games.

Brooklyn
Nets
– Prediction: The Nets will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and maybe some
playoff games too, but not definitely any set amount of playoff games. The Nets
could end up playing zero playoff games, for example, or maybe even six.

New
York Knicks
– Prediction: The Knicks will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and maybe
even some playoff games too. Stranger things have been known to happen than the
New York Knicks playing a playoff game or two. Actually, it would be very
strange if the Knicks only played two playoff games. Usually there are at least
four playoff games per playoff series. But these are the Knicks we’re talking
about here. They could play two playoff games and then decide two is all they’re
gonna play, I guess.

Philadelphia
76ers
– Prediction: The 76ers will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and definitely
NOT any playoff games because they don’t want to do playoff games. Come to
think of it, the 76ers would probably prefer not to play any regular season
games either, but I predict they are still going to play 82 of them because of
peer pressure from all of their basketball friends.

Toronto
Raptors
– Prediction: The Raptors will play 82 regular season NBA games, and probably
also some playoff games since they played some playoff games last year, and they
might do that again.

Chicago
Bulls
– Prediction: The Bulls will play in 82 regular season NBA games, plus at least
four playoff games and maybe more playoff games than that, but you never know
about the Chicago Bulls and what’s going to happen. We can’t know about the
future and we can’t know about the Chicago Bulls either.

Cleveland
Cavaliers
– Prediction: The Cavaliers will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and, like,
a lot of playoff games too. The Cavaliers will probably play like almost the
maximum amount of playoff games one team can play, which is 28 playoff games.
Hey, I just noticed: 82 regular season NBA games, and up to 28 NBA playoff
games. 82 and 28. It’s like a numbers mix-up of 2’s and 8’s!

Detroit
Pistons
– Prediction: The Pistons will play 82 regular season NBA games, and as for
playoff games go, I would be surprised but not shocked about what if The Pistons
also were in some playoff games.

Indiana
Pacers
– Prediction: The Pacers will play 82 regular season NBA games, and sadly
for them they might not get invited to play many playoff games. The Pacers used
to play in lots of playoff games, but now, who knows, maybe not. The Pacers
make me want to type a colon and an open parenthesis like this…

:(

...because that
looks like a frowning, sad face, and that’s probably what The Pacers are doing
with their faces right now when they think about "oh man we might not get invited
to play any playoff games this year after we get done with our 82 regular
season games. :( ONE MILLION."

Milwaukee
Bucks
– Prediction: The Bucks will play in 82 regular season NBA games. They could
maybe even play games in the playoffs too! It’s within the realm of
possibility! Probably not, but still.

Atlanta
Hawks
– Prediction: The Hawks will play 82 regular season NBA games, and maybe some playoff games too, and the whole time they are just gonna still be the Atlanta Hawks no matter what.

Charlotte
Hornets
– Prediction: The Hornets will play in 82 regular season NBA games and very
likely a few playoff games too. They are not called the Bobcats like they were
last year. This year they are called the Hornets. Be careful about getting
confused. The Bobcats will play in zero NBA games this year because there are no Bobcats.

Miami
Heat
– Prediction: The Heat will play 82 regular season NBA games, and they will
probably play in a few playoff games too, but it’s not like they are going to get all excited about it or anything, okay?

Orlando
Magic
– Prediction: The Magic will play in 82 regular season NBA games. Could this be
the year they will also play some extra playoff games? Go out there and mix it
up in some NBA playoffgames? No. That will not happen.

Washington
Wizards
– Prediction: The Wizards will play in 82 regular season NBA games. They will
play in some playoff games too, which they will enjoy because basketball games
are fun!

Golden
State Warriors
– Prediction: The Warriors will play 82 regular season NBA games. Will they
play in some playoff games too? Yes. They will.

Los
Angeles Clippers
– Prediction: The Clippers will play in 82 regular season NBA games and also
some playoff games.

Los
Angeles Lakers
– Prediction: The Lakers will play in 82 regular season NBA games and also zero
playoff games.

Sacramento
Kings
– Prediction: The Kings will play in 82 regular season NBA games. I would be
very surprised if they played in any playoff games.

Dallas
Mavericks
– Prediction: The Mavericks will play in 82 regular season NBA games and some
playoff games too. How many playoff games are the Mavericks going to play? Hey,
don’t look at me. I don’t have all the answers.

Houston
Rockets
– Prediction: The Rockets will play 82 regular season NBA games. They will also
probably play some playoff games. They are the Rockets. Please don’t make me
talk about the Rockets for too long. They are not fun.

Memphis
Grizzlies
– Prediction: The Grizzlies will play 82 regular season NBA games and then maybe
they will play some playoff games too, I guess.

New
Orleans Pelicans
– Prediction: The Pelicans will play in 82 regular season NBA games, and if
they do play in any playoff games, that will be more fun than anything the
Rockets do.

San
Antonio Spurs
– Prediction: The Spurs will play in 82 regular season NBA games and then they
will play in a lot of playoff games, and a lot of people will talk about how they
love the Spurs so much because they love basketball so much and the Spurs are
good at basketball and that is important.

Denver
Nuggets
– Prediction: The Nuggets will play 82 regular season NBA games and I don’t
think they will play in any playoff games.

Minnesota
Timberwolves
– Prediction: The Timberwolves will play in 82 regular season NBA games and they might not win a lot of those games but they will do a good job dunking during those games.

Oklahoma
City Thunder
– Prediction: The Thunder will play in 82 regular season NBA games and then
they will play a whole bunch of playoff games too. So many games will happen it’s
almost like “sheesh, what’s up with all these NBA games?” And the Thunder, they're going to be right there, playing in some of them, doing their best.

Portland
Trailblazers
– Prediction: The Trailblazers will play 82 regular season NBA games, and
then some playoff games, and then after that they will rest sensibly.

Utah
Jazz
– Prediction: The Jazz will play in 82 regular season NBA games. An announcer will say "this is the Utah
Jazz basketball team," and then the Utah Jazz will start playing in a basketball game. 82 times. That’s what is about
to happen, people.

BONUS SEASON
PREDICTION:
THERE WILL BE BETWEEN 1,275 and 1,335 NBA GAMES OVER THE NEXT SEVEN AND A HALF
MONTHS. GET READY FOR ALL THOSE GAMES TO BE HAPPENING.