Thursday, September 10, 2009

Burn, Baby, Burn!

The old school been leaving you cold lately? Bored with playing? Getting irritated about something you read about online - but you just can't put your finger on what it is? Dying to get something off your chest that will increase your blog's readership? I hear you! Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't or won't say 'It's just a game' anymore. Sometimes, you don't even need a reason. Sometimes, you just wanna spark your lighter and start a fire. This is for those times.

Kellri's Old School Random Tinder Box - Compatible with Old School Gamers and their Modern Simulacra -RULES: Get some polyhedral dice. Roll on the Big Beef Table for the initial spark. Add fuel to the fire by getting specifics from the appropriate subtable. Fan the flames on an online forum. Take it to Gencon and inflame some old wounds. Forward a copy to your nerdy arch-nemesis and laugh as they immolate themselves. Just make sure to take the time to sit back and enjoy the warm glow of the fire. It's just a game, after all.

d% BEEF01-03 [GAME] is nothing like [GAME]. [PERSON] would know that if he wasn’t such a [EXPLETIVE].04-06 [PERSON] plays [GAME]. That proves he’s nothing but a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]07-08 [PERSON] & [PERSON] bow to Victorian societal values.09-10 [PERSON] is so [DESCRPTOR]! He’s the Idi Amin of gaming.11-13 [PERSON] is dead. Long live [PERSON]!14-16 [GAME] is the one true way. Now piss off you [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]s!!17-19 [PERSON] is only a shill for [COMPANY]. Don’t believe a word that [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE] says.20-22 [GROUP] are nothing but another elitist clique, a pox on them!23-25 [GAME] is nothing but a plagiarized hatchet job.26-28 Real men play [GAME]. That makes [PERSON] a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE].29-31 I’m sick and tired of [PERSON]’s whisper campaign against [GAME]32-34 [WEBSITE] is the REAL home of [GAME] on the web.35-37 Only [EXPLETIVE]s hang out on [WEBSITE], plotting their one-true way campaign.38-40 [PERSON] is a [EXPLETIVE] but nevertheless, entertaining..41-43 [GAME] is not an rpg because of [RULE]44-46 Only [EXPLETIVE]s play [GAME] and use the [RULE]47-49 [PERSON] said [GAME]’s [RULE] is [DESCRIPTOR].50-52 Stop picking on [PERSON], he’s the most level-headed [EXPLETIVE], after all.53-55 Try to imagine how [PERSON] would play [GAME] and do the opposite.56-58 [COMPANY] ruined [GAME] with the [RULE]59-61 [COMPANY] saved [GAME] with the new [RULE]62-64 [PERSON] worked for [COMPANY]. What a [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE].65-67 If I could, I’d kick [PERSON] right in his [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE] ass!68-70 [PERSON] is the most intelligent guy in gaming and he likes the [RULE]71-73 [PERSON] only plays [GAME] because they’re nostalgic.74-76 [GAME] is completely broken because of the [RULE]77-79 [PERSON] says [COMPANY] is going to get sued because of [GAME] and he’s a lawyer.80-82 [PERSON] vs. [PERSON] – nerdrage battle royale!83-85 [GAME] is better than [GAME] because it ditches the pointless [RULE]86-88 [WEBSITE] is just a bunker full of [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE]s.89-91 [PERSON] has been banned from [WEBSITE] after being warned for starting an edition war.92-94 [COMPANY] is almost bankrupt. Or so I heard….95-97 [WEBSITE] members are the Taliban of gaming!98-00 [WEBSITE] is talking about [GAME] again. Let’s start a flamewar!d% PERSON or GROUP (Roll 1d4 members)1 Chris Gonnerman2 Rob Kuntz3 James Boney4 Axe Mental5 Clark Peterson6 Daniel Proctor7 Dave Arneson8 Dave Kenzer9 Ed Greenwood10 Frank Mentzer11 Allan Grohe12 Gene Weigel13 Geoffrey McKinney14 Gnarley Bones15 Trent Foster16 James Maliszewski17 James Mishler18 James Raggi19 Lorraine Williams20 Jeff Rients21 Jim Ward22 Kellri23 Matt Finch24 Melan25 Mike Mearls26 Peter Bradley27 Robert Conley28 Ron Edwards29 RPGPundit30 Ryan Dancey31 Sean K. Reynolds32 Settimbrini33 Thorkhammer34 Stuart Marshall35 Tim Kask36 Joe Goodman37-50 You51-52 Grognards53-54 Bloggers55 Female Gamers56-57 Conservatives58-59 Expat Gamers60 Gay Gamers61-63 Liberals64-65 Monte Cook66-68 Forge-ites69-70 Swine71-73 ex-TSR hirelings74-75 Vin Diesel76-77 LARPers78 WARLOCKers79-84 Gary Gygax85 Gail Gygax86 TARGA87 Dungeondelver88-90 Fight On! Magazine91-93 Knockspell Magazine94-95 Computer Games96-97 Dragon Magazine98-99 GenCon100 Dave Trampier

After getting flamed on RPGSite by the [DESCRIPTOR] [EXPLETIVE] Mrk (he announced he called Interpol on me for suspected pedophilia, no less) I decided to USE that rage in a creative outburst of my own. Why get angry when you can get funny, am I right? Flame away...but always remember to put on your asbestos thong first!

Just edited a bit to clear up some misspellings. You hear that Grodog! - when somebody flames you, I want them to get your name right, 'cause by the time we're finished with you you'll be the undisputed Great Satan of gaming.

It is far too true to real life. And just like you, I'm guilty of everything implied here- probably moreso. But this is our hobby, not our religion or our profession. If we can't laugh at ourselves at play, when can we laugh??