Anyone here knows how to relieve headaches while travelling? Now I’m in China and I’m having a terrible PMS headache. Today is the day before my menstruation and second day of the headache. This throbbing pain on my both temples is killing me. I have no meds. I don’t know much about local medical system and I don’t have time to go to a hospital. And I still have to work. Is there anything I can do to relieve the pain? Thanks.

Try putting ice on the back of your neck. I do this for my migraines and it helps me so much!

Also, eating something salty may help. I’ve found that salt will take the edge off a migraine, and when I mentioned this to a friend, she said she read somewhere that salt is a natural muscle relaxer. It may help you. Sugar and caffeine may also help. A lot of pain relievers (Excedrin, etc.) have caffeine in them. Pepsi or Coke or a cup of coffee or tea with a lot of sugar may help you out — just be warned that when the caffeine wears off, you may be right back at square one with a rebound headache.

I know it’s probably no help to you in China, but Gatorade can help, too. I know you probably won’t find it over there, though. And if worse comes to worse, can you just take maybe a half hour to sit or lay down in a dark, quiet room to relax? Sometimes just that little bit of time to unplug, relax, and close your eyes may help — rub your temples and your neck and even the balls of your feet.

I’ve been there — having to work through a migraine (which always show up right before Aunt Flo does and stay for the duration. That is some kind of serious h e l l right there.) I can’t imagine having to deal with it in another country! Good luck and feel better!

If its a migraine (typically on one side of your head, comes with symptoms of light + sound sensitivity, nausea, visual disturbances) caffeine often helps as does eating something substantial (despite the nausea). My go to meal during a headache (even though it sounds totally unappetizing during the headache) is a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich, the combo of carbs, salt, fat and protein really helps me.

They have regular OTC drugs in China. 布洛芬 is ibuprofen and 扑热息痛 is paracetemol. Take a screenshot of those words on your phone to a pharmacy (look for the green cross sign) and show it to anyone who works there. They’ll sort you out.

I have this sweater and it’s true to size, and the wool is good quality. Wanted to coordinate for work with suiting jackets but haven’t found the right fit — any ideas? Underneath a bright tweed jacket? Traditional suiting jacket?

Warning rant ahead. I work at a not for profit as a manager, and a recently hired director who is not my director as I report directly to the executive keeps treating me like an admin. She doesn’t have an admin and the organization doesn’t have admins so she is expected to do all this stuff herself. An example would be asking me to mail stuff, in an effort to be polite I say I can teach her how to use the postage machine then she huffs off. I just don’t have the time to manage up and have even directly told her company culture is doing administrative tasks yourself. Rawr

That sounds very frustrating. Do you think this director views this as part of your duties if she is technically “above” you, even though she is not your director? I may not be clear on the heirarchy– you used the term “manage up” to I take that to mean she is a level above you, but not your direct supervisor and not really in charge of you at all. Yet it sounds like she is viewing it as a task for the level underneath her to mail her things. Since you report directly to the executive, is that also who the director reports to? Would you want to run this by the executive and get her help in redirecting the director?

If she did not come from a smaller nonprofit, she may not be familiar with the culture. I would directly say to her, “I don’t have time to mail things for you because I am on these projects and we don’t have administrative assistants here. We all have to do our admin tasks – let’s schedule a time, and I can show you how.”

The “scheduling a time” part is important because it shows that you are not always available to help her, and no one has time to teach and learn when it is a rush job.

I have only worked on one appeals case so far, though I have an appellate clerkship under my belt. But I don’t think it’s enough experience to get an appointment on the panel, which seems to be a catch 22 problem.

If you are willing to work for free, there is an appellate division bar group in NYC that gives out pro bono cases. You must know what you are doing, however, b/c there is an absolute legal right to council that can be appealed if you are determined to be not competent. I was going to do this when I served subpeenies, but then got my job in WC so I learned litigation on the job and got paid for it! YAY!!

I generally sent something like, “hey! Any fun weekend plans?” Just something to get the convo started since pls in “hi” is hard to work with. But my friends and I didn’t have much luck on Bumble in the DC area – lots of guys doing it for the ego boost, not really looking for a relationship.

I never send “Hi” with nothing else, I think that’s awkward and weird. If you walked up to someone in a bar, you wouldn’t just say “Hi” in a flat voice and then stare at them til they respond – which to me is the text equivalent. You’d at least say, how’s your evening going, or what’re you drinking, or add some flirtatiousness to your “hi” (like that scene in Sweetest Thing).

But I also don’t think you need to to tailor your message to every guy. I’m not going to spend a lot of time and energy examining someone’s profile to come up with a witty, personal introductory message when most of these guys aren’t even looking at the app. I copy paste the same message to everyone I match with that day. Maybe it’s “Hi, how was your weekend?” or “Hi, I tried the best new beer this weekend, have you had it?” (obvi make sure they drink). I’ll only send a tailored message if something really jumps out at me – which to me is mostly vacation pics or food (“omg where did you get those pancakes and can we go there immediately?”).

This is exactly what I do. At first, I spent a long time thinking of something witty or funny or insightful based on their pics/profile, but found that “Hey there! Any big weekend plans?” or similar garners just as much of a response. If something really jumps out or we seem to have something weird in common, I’ll mention that, but everyone else gets something pretty generic.

I say more than hi, but less than a deep, tailored question. I try to stay away from travel and work immediately because I those conversations seem to stall out faster than others. Typical for me is: “Hey, happy Monday! How’s it treating you so far?” Or, if his profile says he’s from a different state, I might lead with, “Hey, Texas! Doing anything fun weekend?” For some odd reason that’s worked more often than not. I’ve heard feedback from male friends that they cringe a little when all a girl says is “Hi!”. They always have to make the first move and they’re like, can’t you try just a little harder? If they say “Hi!” back, sometimes the girl never responds with a real conversation starter.

Completely agree. It doesn’t take more than 10 seconds to scan a guy’s profile for something non-generic. When I messaged my now S.O. on OKCupid, a quick scan found he’s from another country, has a cute accent, and likes house music, so I was able to catch his attention with a one sentence tailored question. I think guys ignore the “hi’s” just as much as women do.

I hate when I get a message on the other apps that is just “hi” so I will always add a question to my message. But I will admit that i very rarely personalize them and it’s often just something like “any fun plans for the weekend?” I find that many profiles don’t have enough information to actually ask a personal question, and when they do I don’t get a better response rate – probably because they tend to be the better profiles and so many others are also asking personal questions then

I liked doing three hand waves (the emoji) instead of just saying “Hi.” Usually a guy who was up for chatting would have something to say in response to that. I also liked opening with a Dad joke, but you should definitely only do this if that is true to your personality!

I say usually hi [name]! Happy [day of week] and a question designed to start some conversation but doesn’t take too much effort. I usually copy and paste the same message because I like to see how different people respond.

I like this method – it doesn’t take too much effort but usually enough to gauge people’s reactions and start conversations.

I never say just hi, that doesn’t really provide anything that can lead to a conversation when you don’t know each other at all. But I don’t tailor the message to profiles, I’ll just ask a question like “what’s your favorite fancy pizza place and your favorite dive-y pizza place in [our city]?” A couple variations on this – dive bar, fancy bar, outdoor activity in the spring/summer, etc. This allows the guy to have an easy answer and then either ask you the same question back or create an opening to talk about the restaurant/bar -“have you ever been there, oh that’s in my neighborhood, etc.”

I hate when people just say “hi.” Over an app, “hi” doesn’t actually do anything to start the conversation–especially because you may not even be talking in real time like you would in a face to face conversation– it just puts the ball right back into the other person’s court to say something interesting and move it along. Unless he just says “hi” and then you are in the same position you were in before you said the first message.

At my (London, city) firm most of the men wear TM Lewin or Charles Tyrwhitt shirts. I don’t know of any women who shop there – most of the women at my firm tend not to wear cotton shirts though. I think of them as less “designer” /high end than Brooks Brothers though.

I haven’t heard of TM Lewin, but I have several Charles Tyrwhitt shirts and love them. I am slim and not large chested and find that their button downs fit me well. However, I bought them several years ago and now can’t find a women’s section on their website, so maybe they don’t make women’s shirts anymore . . .

If you want high quality British button down shirts for women, I highly highly recommend Grosvenor Shirt Company. They are absolutely higher quality than Brooks Brothers, and the fabrics and colors are awesome. I also love the little details they do like coordinate the buttons colors to the shirt. If you snag them on sale, you can get them for under $75 a shirt. I’ve never worn a TW Lewin shirt before, but I do believe Grosvenor is higher end than Charles Tyrwhitt.

TM Lewin has weird darting that doesn’t work on me. Recommed Hawes & Curtis much, much more (they carry slim and classic shirts). Biggest diff from BB for H&C is that they have fun fabrics (not just stripes, pastel pink and blue and white), and that they don’t have crazy non-iron chemicals like BB has. I like their shirts much better than TM Lewin. I used to live over there, and I visit all of the shirt places and stock up every time I visit. Hope this helps.

My husband and I are planning a two week trip to Sri Lanka. This is a huge bucket list trip, and I just found out I’m pregnant after two years of trying, so we’re very excited for a big adventure before we start our family.

Anyone been to Sri Lanka and have any tips or places not to miss? There are so many amazing looking destinations and since we’re not likely to go back soon, I want to see as much of the country as possible. However, I’m balancing that against the fact I might not be feeling great and will want to build in time for relaxation. For anyone who has traveled there, what are you recommendations? Places we shouldn’t miss? Any favorite hotels?

Congrats! If you’re traveling in your 2nd trimester, you will likely be fine! Have never been to Sri Lanka but it looks beautiful, what a great combo of ancient culture and fascinating modern movements, too! Good luck!

I have traveled deep into both of my pregnancies (just traveled nationally last week at 35 weeks! And w/ #1, went to Europe @ 27 weeks). Just stay very hydrated and realize that you will likely tire out more quickly than usual (I had a mini black out moment at a street fair because I wasn’t being careful about drinking water). Other than that, double check your insurance covers you while out of town/make arrangements for other insurance, and have fun!

Can you help me with fashion help for family photos? My 1 year old daughter is going to wear a pink and gold tulle dress (it’s a gift from someone I really care about and I really want her to wear it for that reason). Will it look weird if DH and I wear nice (dark or maybe whitening my case) jeans and sweaters? I know normally everyone is at the same level of formality and dressed for the same weather, but I don’t look great in casual dresses and I think my officewear would look weirdly somber and overly formal. We’re doing them inside so weather isn’t really a concern but I know it may look weird if my daughter is wearing just a light dress and we’re wearing more layers. Thoughts?

This will look great! You and DH could lean more springlike with your colors. Maybe white jeans for you, maybe a springier colored top for both of you. I think sweaters are fine but wouldn’t do dark ones, which can look more fall/winter. Since baby girl is wearing pink/gold… Can DH wear a light blue oxford with the sleeves rolled up? Does he have a pale pink oxford? Google images has some good ideas:

Yeah, I was thinking navy for DH. He won’t wear pink, cream/white would blend into the background, I’m probably wearing light gray on top (I can’t wear any shade of pink near my face, it looks horrible) and don’t want to be too matchy, so that kind of leaves blue. And I think navy would look prettier with the baby’s dress (which is more of a dusty rose than true pink) than light blue.

You’re going to look adorable! We took family photos in the fall and Kiddo wore a ridiculous tutu dress, I wore a nice-if-sort-of-casual sheath dress with some of the same colors as her tutu dress, and husband wore what he always wears, pants and a solid tee (though in colors of the same fall-ish variety as what Kiddo and I were wearing). We looked adorable, if I may say so. I think that a kid in a tutu dress can be anything from completely casual to black tie fancy, because they’re babies, so don’t worry — and enjoy!

I’d check out a couple of photog blogs with tips on dressing – iirc, they recommend not doing too much contrast in the main outfit colors (like very dark jeans and white jeans) because it’s harder to do post processing. Otherwise, agree with above posters on leaning into the spring colors!

Related to almost nothing: Brooks Brothers has a “Keyhole-Neck Ponte-Knit Sheath.” It’s a gorgeous colour, pretty fabric, and good price… but the ‘keyhole’ is so deep that it could never be worn anywhere near an office.

That looks sort of like she could unbutton it for easy b**astfeeding access, to be honest, at least on the left side. And the keyhole almost looks like it’s a button, too? So essentially you’re trusting that nothing happens to come undone/gets caught on anything before you’re flashing your entire upper half to the office. No, thank you.

I need some advice on how to smooth over an incident with a friend. My most recent ex-BF and I are (were) still friendly and hanging out sometimes (he’s nice, just not for the long term). Friend and her current BF started dating about the same time I started seeing Ex (~6 months ago). Friend’s BF is awful for a lot of reasons that are mostly irrelevant here. Friend constantly complains to me and sometimes to Ex when he’s around. Friend and Ex are not friends and haven’t exchanged contact info.

Friend’s BF drama is starting to affect me. Friend and I talk every day and see each other several times a week. BF being terrible is all she’s talked about for months. The negativity is too much for me. I’ve been either avoiding her or cutting her off with, “leave him, I have no other advice for you, let’s please talk about something else.” A couple days ago, Ex and I were out to dinner and Friend texted me repeatedly begging me to pick up because it was an emergency. I did. It wasn’t an emergency. She apologized for interrupting my dinner and then tried to keep venting. I told her I was going back to my dinner and hung up. I was really upset and apologized to Ex about the interruption.

Apparently after dinner, Ex tracked down Friend’s contact info on social media and sent her a long rambling message about how her drama is negatively impacting me and she needs to stop bothering me. Ex didn’t tell me about the messages – Friend did (several days later). I’m furious with Ex and obviously not going to see him again – not only did he way overstep, but he had plenty of time to tell me about it and didn’t. I apologized to Friend that he sent those messages and I told her he was out of my life. Idk if I should do more. The message was really harsh but it wasn’t untrue, which I think is the worst part.

Agreed, it sounds like both her, her bf, and your ex suck and you should distance yourself from all of them. You can apologize for your ex all you want but if he said the truth (even in an inappropriate way) your’e right – that is hard to smooth over. With the friend you can set boundaries and say she acted inappropriately and needs to change behavior, but I would keep low expectations around her actually changing and make decisions about your friendship from there.

Meh. I think Ex did overstep but it sounds like it was something Friend needed to hear (just not from your Ex). It sounds like you’ve apologized to Friend. I’d give the whole situation some time to cool off. You may find that you don’t feel the need to cut Ex out after all, but, of course, you know best.

TBH yes Ex did overstep but it sounds forgivable. He was trying to be a good friend, from the way you put it. Friend on the other hand, I would back off from the friendship for a while. She’s making a “her” problem a “you” problem, and its just not.

Agree.. I actually think I would cut out the Friend before I would cut out the Ex. He super overstepped, but where’s the lie though? What I mean is, he was right. He was trying to be protective/helpful (even though it was not executed properly).

I mean, if people still had home phones and she was constantly calling your home, Ex might have unloaded on her live when he picked up. Just b/c she is bugging just your cell multiple times in the middle of dinner doesn’t mean she isn’t also bugging HIM. I would hate on that they way I hate on telemarketers who call at the dinner hour. She had it coming.

I’m sorry, Ex is over this girl’s dramatic BS, can see clearly how negatively impacted you are by it, cared enough about you to stand up for you, and stepped up to tell Friend something she really needs to hear… and HE’S the one you’re not going to see again? Look, I’m not sure how old you are, but I went through the ringer in my early 20’s with people like this. Looking back 10+ years later, I can clearly see that none of the people like her are in my life anymore, and they’re all the ones now posting 12x a day on FB, dramatizing their babies and families. Yeah, he should have said he was saying something, and you guys should talk it out, but he is NOT the friend you need to dump here. Drama friend is leeching on you, needs therapy, and is not likely to change – is there always some drama around her? She sounds like a right-now friend of convenience, Ex sounds like a long-term friend to me.

+1 Ex overstepped but not in a way that sounds like he was intentionally being malicious to her or trying to deceive you. You do not need to throw away a friendship that otherwise is a positive thing for you and nourishes you to continue to feed your BF’s insane need for drama and validation. She’s using you, she’s depleting you, don’t give up another friendship for her vortex of drama.

Yup. I can see how what Ex did would be really bothersome for you, but it doesn’t sound like anything he said was untrue. Not executed well, but he was trying- and if I was him, I’d be angry that a friend ditched me during dinner for a non-emergency “emergency.” Kindly, you’re clearly not getting it across to her that this is annoying AF, and he very well may have. Yes, he should have told you, but he is not the problem here. Her drama drama drama is.

That being said- are you 100% sure there’s no DV/emotional abuse going on with BF and Friend? She clearly knows he’s a jerk and hasn’t left him. That could be for a dozen reasons, including that she’s just being dramatic, but it’s something to have in the back of your mind.

I posted on the wrong thread. Take two: I snore. Yuck. I apparently woke my husband up twice last night. I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment. Any advice beyond that? I’m thirty-two and embarrassed that I apparently sleep like my sixty year-old dad.

I agree. Obstructive sleep apnea can cause all kinds of vague health problems (weight gain or difficulty losing weight, feeling tired, low mood) that are often chalked up to “aging” by PCP. There are options beyond a CPAP if you see a sleep neurologist (though many people love modern CPAP machines).

Husband’s doctor and dentist were asking about his tonsils, if he wanted them removed because they can cause snoring as adults. Also…. do you wear a sleep monitor device at all? Maybe start there and see if it affects YOUR sleep? My mom sleeps with one of those strips on her nose. She still snores but… less? Or at least breathes more and better with snoring? My dad seems ok with it.

For a short term solution, have you tried those nose strips? Sorry, I’m drawing a blank on the exact name. My husband tells me I snore too when I sleep on my back so he will nudge me to flip over on my side. I’ll do the same for him because his snoring is also exacerbated when he’s on his back.

First off, you’re not doing anything wrong. You didn’t wake your husband up, something you can’t control woke him up. I snore often (not always) and am also bothered/can’t sleep if my partner snores. The nose strips don’t help me. Two bedrooms for actual sleeping when necessary, wherein both parties get a great night’s sleep, is not worst solution.

I used to have that problem. After visits with my primary care doc, a sleep specialist, and an allergist all failed to help, an ENT diagnosed me with inflamed adenoids (unusual in adults, but I guess I’m special like that). I had them removed and haven’t snored since.

Doctor will help assess if it’s an actual problem. I had a sleep study, they discovered apnea and now I’m using a CPAP machine. My day to day life is so much better that I can’t even describe. I didn’t realize just how tired I was all of the time. I feel happier, have more energy and weight loss is easier. And if it is apnea, it’s a much bigger deal than just annoying to you or a partner. It can mean long-stress on your body and make you more vulnerable to high blood pressure, stroke, heart attacks. The other thing is attention. I have so much more focus now. It scares me when I think about how tired I would be driving into work some days. Do I feel like a 60 year old man strapped to the machine? Yeah, I’m not gonna lie. But the benefits so outweigh the negatives that I won’t go a night without it now. I literally feel more like the old me than I’ve felt in years. I wish I could have been diagnosed sooner. I’m high functioning at work, so I never really even guessed there could be a problem. ButI lost a ton of my life to feeling just not up for doing X or Y when I did have downtime. It wasn’t dramatic enough of a change to notice it was happening to me. It’s only now that I see the difference that I realize how much more I can go, go, go and still feel great.

I have a friend who had a similar experience fairly recently (in her early 30s) – she didn’t realize she had a problem and the CPAP was lifechanging. I think her husband noticed her stop breathing in her sleep a few times, which was what triggered the trip to the sleep specialist. They call the CPAP “sleep vader” :)

A friend of mine explained that she found the CPAP unbearably uncomfortable at first, but after her body “figured out” that it was helping her breathe, it was like some wheels started turning and all of a sudden she couldn’t get comfortable to sleep without it. I don’t know if anyone besides my friend has had that experience, but it made me feel much less anxious about the prospect of needing the machine.

Just a warning that having my tonsils removed as an adult was hands down the most painful thing that had ever happened to me. I can’t even tell you. Having a baby was nothing compared to it. I couldn’t move my mouth to take the drugs, drink water or eat for several days. I lost 15 pounds.

I’ve had subsequent unrelated surgery in my upper maxillary sinus cavity (so the incision was near where my tonsils once were) and it was a breeze comparatively.

The tonsillectomy did minimize my snoring, however, if you’re otherwise healthy I would strongly advise you take into account the misery involved in this operation.

I cannot tell you how many people told me the same thing before I had my tonsils removed as an adult, but I had the exact opposite experience. I had the surgery on either a Monday or Tuesday and had Thanksgiving dinner Thursday that same week (though I stayed away from anything too hot). I was off painkillers within a week (I used half of one bottle despite the fact that they prescribed me 2 or 3 refills but that’s a tale for another time).

I feel like I’ve been looking for a vegan leather brown jacket for years. I want something moto-like. A lighter cognac would be perfect. I’d like to keep it under $200. Any suggestions? I really want this to be the spring where it finally happens.

Shot in the dark here – Does anyone have recommendations for a place to stay in Shenandoah? I am looking into renting a house with another family in the summer for a long weekend. We’ll have 4 adults and three kids, ages 5 to 2.5 and we’ll be coming from DC. I have camped in Shenandoah but never done a rental.

Stayed at a really nice place this winter in Shenandoah area – near Bryce Mtn resort. I think a little closer to blue ridge but lots of signs for Shenandoah too. Search the log house in Bayse VA for the VRBO link. That entire area was nice for a quiet getaway, and nearby a cute manmade lake with chill water sports.

Just stayed at a great Airbnb over Presidents Day weekend in Stanardsville. Search for “South River Cottage” and “South River Guest House” & Stanardsville and they should both come up. Very similar, both on the same farm and run by the same (amazing) woman, just slightly different bedding configurations. Highly recommend, we’re already planning a trip back next year.

Yeah, I agree, although I’m actually pleasantly surprised by the tone of the comments overall. Clearly a lot of really smart women are realizing that what we’ve been told is empowering isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m also seeing a lot of concern for the impact of widely available, extremely violent p*rn, which is an issue that never gets the attention it deserves.

There are a lot of studies out there about what type of s-x is most physically satisfying for women. The almost-universal conclusions are not surprising given women’s anatomy: women in happy marriages climax the most frequently and reliably.

This is not a “women just want closeness” thing. The reality is that most women cannot climax, or reliably climax, through intercourse, and most women take much longer than men. We usually need men who put our interests above their own.

This is about tendencies, not absolutes, but it makes little sense to talk about pleasure and empowerment and not about the situations in which women are more likely to be satisfied.

There are husbands who are selfish or simply unwilling to learn how their wives’ bodies work, and one night stands who take pride in mutual pleasure. But the general trends are in the opposite direction.

My belief is that when we discuss s-xual activity, the idea that intercourse = pleasure is a male-centric concept.

I agree with this, but would extend it further to say the assumption that s*x overall = pleasure is a male-centric activity. Women around the world report high rates of pain during s*x, inability to refuse their male partners s*x, too frequent pregnancies, inability to “negotiate” condom use, and so many other problems (and that’s not even speaking of the many, many women for whom s*x is “meh” or boring). The evidence shows that there are a lot of very serious problems that are downplayed or ignored, some of which can be life-threatening or injurious to health. The default assumption that women should enjoy all of that and make sure to find a way to have a s*x life is downright offensive.

I agree. Just one example from my own experience… The side effects I get from oral contraceptives cause a lot of pain. I saw multiple health care providers over this, and the message was “that happens” and “grin and bear it, and it might get better?” and “that might wear off after a few more months.” I felt so disappointed to be talking to a successful gynecologist or pharmacist from my generation and hearing them say that they had suffered similarly and found that “suck it up” was the best available solution.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but what do you do if you have hit your deductible early in the year but your employer-contributed funds will not be added to your HSA until after your bills are due? My employer contributes to my HSA on a quarterly basis, but I hit my high deductible in the first month of the year.

What can I use my HSA for if I don’t have to pay anything the rest of the year? Will be approximately $750 of funds.

Save it. HSAs are not “use it or lose it” so you can use it for medical bills in future years (or just save it and invest it – many people intentionally do this). Also, hitting your deductible doesn’t mean you’re done paying medical bills this year, it just means you now only have to pay your co-insurance (20% or whatever it is). If you end up in the hospital, you can still have a very big medical bill. But that likely and hopefully won’t happen, so just save the HSA money.

Hi! I’m a pretty happy mid-level Big Law associate, not planning to move anywhere any time soon, but cognizant of the fact that the next four years are likely when I’d make a move, if I/the firm decide I should do something else ;be it another firm, government, in house etc). I currently have access to free career coaching through Korn Ferry Advance through my student loan processor, but won’t in the near future. Is it worth my time to speak with them for advice and help discerning what I want next, or is free too high a price?

I work in HR – Korn Ferry is well respected in this space but they have a lot of tiers of service so not sure what’s included for you. Can’t hurt! They probably also have an online portal of self-service resources that might be useful.

Oh, Hive. I just messed up. I am a Sr. associate, not a litigator. Pre-law school I had a career in Field A. I no longer do anything with Field A. A named partner asked me 36 hours ago to file an answer yesterday, because partner was leaving on vacation and didn’t have time to do it. Issue is complex Field A stuff. I drafted an answer and cross claim, got a green light from partner via email, didn’t hear back from client until just before it was due, I got final edits done and filed just in time, but after all the paralegals/assistants were out.

Woke up today and realized I forgot to attach the exhibits when I filed. UGH UGH UGH. I sent all parties an email stating it was my mistake and I was properly filing them, but I can’t believe I didn’t think about it. I’m sure at some places, this gets you fired. Honestly, I’m more upset at myself than nervous about that.

This is really not a big deal. I did it as a junior (litigation) associate in Big Law, and nobody was that upset. You’re not even a litigator! I don’t see how this is a firable mistake, especially since you handled it so proactively and got everything filed.

Thank you. Thank you. I was so worried they would have some kind of objection or something and we couldn’t get them in later….my vague memory of evidence says this is probably not the last chance, and they aren’t smoking guns or anything, just correspondence, but I couldn’t believe I forgot.

This has happened to me, almost exact scenario, except I DO litigate and I’ve forgotten. You should be OK. Maybe talk to your advisor/mentor and let them know before the named partner gets back? Mistakes happen; better to have you notice than opposing counsel.

Same. I litigated (pretty decently!) for YEARS and that kinda thing just happens. The worst actual consequence I can imagine would be that the opposing party would get a bit more time to respond. Nothing will be thrown out of court permanently for a failure to attach exhibits on time. There’s a strong bias in favor of “let them make their case!” in litigation (so a bias against big consequences for a technicality) so, in my experience, you’d have to have a LOT of similar scewups or something that made it look like more than a “whoopsie” before it became a real problem. Just imagine the other party going to the judge and saying, “Your Honor, the associate didn’t attach exhibits to the Answer/Crossclaim when she filed them, and we didn’t get those exhibits until HOURS after the Answer was filed. Please strike the filing with prejudice.” They’d look like a-holes.

+1 it’s ok. My jurisdiction works differently but courts are very reluctant to punish litigants or make attorneys look bad in front of them without good reason.

And if something bad should happen, which it won’t, I spend a lot of time writing papers to fix mistakes like this. It’s ok. There are mountains of caselaw involving bigger and less sympathetic mistakes that were forgiven in favor of a resolution on the merits. It’s ok.

Do you have an ok relationship with opposing counsel? Was it clear from the document that was filed that there were supposed to be exhibits (like references in the document to Exhibit A or something similar). Assuming yes to both, I can’t imagine opposing counsel would object. Its self interest for opposing counsel not to object. Chances are they will make a mistake at some point (they happen a lot even when you are being very careful in litigation) and its better for opposing counsel to have a chip to play than to object now to something that was clearly a mistake. I’ve been opposing counsel in this situation and typically once I get the brief and notice something appears missing I would email the other side and say so. I can’t think of a single time I’ve done anything unless I thought for some reason the other side was trying to pull a fast one, and even in that case I email first.

I agree with this. All courts are different, of course, but in my experience, courts want litigation to run smoothly and for counsel not to be petty about stuff like this. They want a complete answer with exhibits in the interests of justice and efficiency, and they want counsel to act like adults and let it happen. Most courts would very much frown upon an opposing counsel who objected to you fixing an honest mistake that was caught by you immediately and which you immediately set out to rectify. I know it sucks to feel like you do, but by this time next week, it’ll all be over and everything will be running smoothly. Mistakes happen. How you proceed after the mistake and what you learn from it are what matters.

+1,000, especially the last sentence w/r/t a junior associate. No lawyer will ever have a practice with zero mistakes. This is not a realistic goal. Mistakes are inevitable. I want an employee I can trust to handle mistakes and issues that arise and grow and learn, not an employee who will never make a mistake (because I live on planet Earth).

Agree with all this. As long as you don’t have jerkface on the other side, this won’t ever be mentioned again. We’ve all done something like this, especially with the federal e-file system. I still see very experienced litigators screw up an e-filing (which I secretly find comforting). It sounds like you handled it the best way possible. Have a glass of wine, take a deep breath, and file it under “experience.”

This is so not a fireable offense. The Answer’s on file. It’s fine. Heck a lot of complaints and answers reference documents that they don’t even intend to attach (which is lazy imo). At least you promptly provided the documents and didn’t make them demand them in discovery.

Ugh that’s giving me flashbacks to a case where the Answer was like “see, Exhibit A says I get off scot free!” … but no Exhibit A was attached. “Hmm oops, let me try again.” Still no Exhibit A. Also my client has no records of anything like Exhibit A. “Oh ok I have to file an amended Answer because it turns out Exhibit A wasn’t exactly what I said it was.” No Exhibit A attached. Etc. etc. etc. until it turns out Exhibit A was nothing like what they said it was, and the initial Exhibit A was just a figment of someone’s imagination. I moved for sanctions but didn’t get ’em (until much later in the case when the same sort of shady behavior was repeated).

Does anyone else not work a lot? I work in tech and worked in finance before this. Over the 5 or so years I’ve worked rarely have I just heads-down worked all day. My estimate is that i maaayyyyybe do 3-5 hours of serious work most days. This hasn’t really appeared to impact my work product because most of my reviews have been great and I’ve never received any negative feedback about the quantity or quality of my work. Quite the opposite, I usually get handed “large/complex projects” To be clear, I am not complaining or bragging, i truly do not understand why i appear to be the only person that isnt always swamped

Same. I have a great tech career and am not stressed or overworked. I’m well compensated. It’s wonderful. Honestly I think complaining about being swamped is sometimes a personality trait. There are people at my office who complain and are also doing actual work only like half the time.

I also work in tech and have 3-5 hours of work each day. My office is small and pretty relaxed, so I know that my coworkers also have limited work (everyone brings in their personal laptops and plays games, reads, watches videos, etc. during their downtime). An office I used to work in had similar amounts of work per day, but the culture was different and there was pressure to be (or at least look) busy all the time and never be seen looking at your phone/chatting with coworkers. I suspect that in many places people have daily downtime but act busy because of prior experiences with micromanaging supervisors.

I think this might have to do with deadlines in certain industries. I work in an industry with government imposed deadlines, meaning missing the deadline can mean massive fines and even jail time for the people at the top (jail would never happen but technically it can). It’s a heavy production based environment.

I work in this environment too (regulatory). We can’t really plan work because filings are based on (totally unplanned) triggers being met– most weeks I don’t have a ton to do… some weeks I’m scrambling all night… but I can’t fill up my schedule, because then I wouldn’t be able to manage the crazy compliance deadlines. I just take it for what it is, enjoy the low times, try not to complain about the high times.

My perception is that almost everyone is in the same boat as you, and I wish it were more acceptable for this to be the norm. I don’t think I’ve ever done more than 35 hours of actual work in a week, and that number only applies to the one week per month when I was closing the accounting month. Most weeks, I work about 30 hours, even though I’m physically in the office for 40 hours. I simply cannot concentrate well for more than 4 hours without needing a break. Not sure if you’ve heard of Laura Vanderkam, but she analyzed a bunch of c-suite women’s time logs and found that most of them average 40 hours actually working per week. Even the ones billing exorbitant amounts of time. I think people love to complain about being busy, so that kind of drives the “I worked 140 hours this week” – I myself am trying to be better about that. Sure, I’m “busy” with projects but I also make my kid’s doctor appointments at work and…chat on this board. OTOH I spent the last ten years coming in early and staying late. I think it’s perfectly fine to work 100 hours or 40 depending on your goals, and do to both at different times in your life. Most of the (single) guys I work with do work on nights and weekends because they really enjoy what they do. They also do not care for a toddler every day like I do. Maybe I’m just trying to justify my “meh” attitude about work rn.

I’ve been working for a long time, and I’ve almost always worked in the small project arena. So I have moments of being truly busy getting a project done and out the door, and then spend quite a lot of time waiting around for the next project. (Project timing is out of my hands for Reasons.) I’ve filled a lot of my time by getting more involved in industry work – committees etc related to my field – and I think that is a good complement to project work. Getting up to date on reading materials in between committee meetings is a good thing to do when it’s slow at the office.

Thank you all for responding!! I’ve always treated this as a bit of a shameful secret because everyone is so busy and i technically have a large enough scope/mandate that i cannot offer to do more without stepping on toes. So it is good to know that this is normal :)

Same. I’m a nonprofit attorney and uh, I can definitely do about 4 hours of work in a day (maybe) and it’s considered a very productive day. Sometimes it’s less when I have a lot of homing from work (like when moving or medical stuff is going on). I keep up.

I think this is the norm and jobs that are considered 40 hours a week. The only time I’ve consistently worked more than 40 hours was when I was in billable environments, and even then I would be high over 40 half the time and under 30 hours others.

If it was socially and professionally acceptable, I could easily get all my work done in four eight hour days a week. But it’s not, so I take a long lunch breaks at the gym and read sites like this

Agreed. Some of it is simply business model. If you bill time and are required to bill x hours/ year, then yes, you’re working those hours. No way around it. Some hours are easier than others (say driving or sitting in a meeting v. being in court, drafting a brief or careful analysis/revision of a contract), but you’re still working, or else it isn’t billed and doesn’t count.

Same, but don’t discount the time that you spend thinking about your work project. I frequently only spend 3-4 hours a day actually sitting in front of a computer doing physical work but I am often doing something else (gym, whatever) and mulling over a process or project in the back of my mind. My best product is derived this way. They pay me to do this. They don’t pay me to do data entry. I think there is an odd amount of attention given to ass-in-seat vs brain activity time in many work environments. It makes people unhealthy and doesn’t contribute to bottom lines.

I used to do e-commerce strategy and merchandising in the fashion/accessories industry. Now I’m in finance and I really miss my previous job but can’t quite figure how to get back into the industry without burning out like I previously did.

Wow, I’m in finance and wishing I was in the fashion/beauty industry! How funny. I’m bored to tears, my creative potential isn’t being used, and I wish I had followed my passions. I’m a great writer but on paper I’m not sure what I would appear qualified for in that industry.

Are suede shoes sort of single-season shoes? Other than spraying with waterproofing spray, is there anyone who has secrets to keeping them wearable (esp. if they are a color other than black)? I fear that they are a rain, salsa, and guacamole magnet (not nearly that bad, but if something happens, it is always to my non-black suede shoes, never to something like patent leather or Rothys).

I have a pair of suede boots that lasted for several years. I got them brushed by a cobbler at the end of each season. The suede started looking worn, but it actually looked good on those boots. The sole wore out before the suede actually.

Currently have some black suede heels. I wear rain boots if it’s raining. I also generally wear Tieks if I’m walking a lot downtown, so generally, I just wear these indoors for professional type things. I do not really feel like I baby them.. I wear rain boots/Tieks when walking a lot at work with the majority of my shoes.

I only wear suede on dry, sunny days. I know suede is super popular right now, but shoe designers selling suede for all seasons drives me batty.

And if you’re curious, the reason suede was historically for winter and patent leather was historically for summer was because of the chemicals used in tanning the hides/preparing the leather 100+ years ago. It had nothing to do with what made more sense for the weather, but that they needed cooler/warmer temps for processing the leather.

Suede varies significantly in quality. I have some suede shoes that have lasted seasons (Stuart Weitzman) and others that get dirty in just one. I spray mine and use a suede kit (brush and the white stone) to buff out any marks. Overall, I find suede more forgiving than leather as it resists nicks and deep scratches more than regular leather.

I’m so excited, I accepted a new job yesterday!! I’m going to be almost doubling my salary. Granted I’m moving from a MCOL to HCOL but EEEEEK!! So…. tell me all about the Stamford, CT area. Where would you recommend a single gal in her 30s live??

Congrats! I’m in the general area and work in Stamford but am married with kids. I would spend some time exploring the area if at all possible. Stamford ranges from super nice to not so nice. The surrounding areas feel very family oriented to me (I joke everyone moves here from the city when they have their second child on the way), so I would want to find somewhere that didn’t feel that way. Maybe start with apts/condos that are close to a metro north station? That’s where I’d want to live.

Congrats!! I lived in Stamford for about a year and Fairfield county for two. As a single person in your 30s I would highly recommend living downtown. Anywhere outside of that is pretty suburban. There are tons of apartment options. Not sure if you need to be near Metro North but most apartments have shuttles and a few are within walking distance. Harbor point is also a popular option but I don’t personally have much experience with that area. If you don’t mind commuting, South Norwalk could also be a good option with slightly cheaper rents. Lots of good food in the area and a quick train into NYC. Traffic can be brutal though.

I work in Stamford, and live in one of the suburbs. As a single person, I suggest that you look in Stamford itself. If you want to rent, there are a number of new apartments here, including high-end luxury buildings. Depending on where you work, you might be able to walk. You would then also be close to the train station, which is an easy ride to NYC. You’ll find more single people in Stamford than in the suburbs. There are an increasing number of people that live in Stamford and work in the city, usually younger single people as well.

There are a few rough areas in Stamford, but these will be readily apparent if you drive around the area where you are looking. I don’t think they are actually dangerous, but more uncomfortable to walk through — driving is no problem.

If you want to buy, Stamford itself is still a good option, or potentially Old Greenwich and Norwalk. Some of the other suburbs have very expensive, large houses and are family focused, but there are some Avalon type apartment complexes scattered around. If you go too far out, commuting can be tough. I take Metro North to work, so that’s an option if you live close to a station.

A good friend of mine passed away suddenly after a brief illness earlier this week. It was one of those random fluke events where she had had the flu, then got pneumonia and went downhill very rapidly due to some underlying health issues. She was only 31.

I’m so at a loss. Just last week we were messaging each other to try to figure out a time to meet up, and now she’s gone. I’ve only cried a little bit. I guess I’m still in shock? I’ve lost all my grandparents, I’ve lost a very good older friend (kind of a second father to me), and I’ve had varied responses to these losses, but with this one I feel so blank. I keep thinking about her. Maybe the floodgates will open when I go to her visitation? Is this normal? I normally cry at sappy commercials and children’s books so it’s weird to me that I’m not crying about this.

When my dear grandmother passed away, it was months before I really cried. And it was so random. It was much later after her funeral and I was at home and started thinking about her. I think it was then I realized I would never see her again and I started bawling.

So many hugs, I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a friend pass suddenly from a heart attack in his early-40’s. We weren’t especially close but both part of a close knit group. Even so, it was an absolute shock to us all. I felt stunned for about a week. At some point a few months after his passing, I needed to lean on some advice he’d given me, which lead me to have a good cry. While I’m not particularly religious, I sort of said a prayer to say thank you to him for everything he’d given me, and felt a lot more at peace after that. Any feelings you have are completely normal and fine, everyone grieves in their own way. Be kind to yourself.

I’m so so sorry for your loss. Please don’t put pressure on yourself to cry or grieve in a particular way. My mother lost both her parents as a tennager in a car accident. She once told be she laughed for weeks before she cried. That’s okay. This is okay, everyone grieves differently. I’m so sorry.

Any recommendations for wireless, over the ear headphones? I had a pair of Urban Ears that I loved, but after 3ish years of daily use, the plastic hinges and arms that connect the earpiece to the headband have finally reached the point where they can’t be glued together anymore. Looking for something comfortable and durable, ideally under $200. Thanks!

I’ve had very good experiences with Anker’s headphones, although I have only had the in-ear ones and not over the ear (I’m guessing you mean the big round ones that cover your ears?). For the price, they have great sound quality, but I wouldn’t get them if you need noise cancelling. Also, at that price point you can afford to lose or break them.

Gift suggestions for a 3 year old girl? She’s very verbal and curious. It needs to be something I can send via Amazon. For context, her mom is my best friend/we’re more like family. I just don’t know anything about children, and I want the gift to also be a surprise to my friend when it arrives, so I don’t want to ask her.

Is she turning 3? A bubble shooter was Kiddo’s favorite 3rd birthday present. Also huge were coloring books (you can get some with bigger areas for coloring, and you can get sturdy crayons) – they’re fun and they also help with fine motor skills. If there’s something the kid is into, like space or horses or whatever, I bet you could get something on topic. If you want to go big, it’s a good age for a balance bike. There are also cool bath toys now that are like pumps, turkey basters, that kind of thing. Super fun.

I have a 3-year-old. I would normally definitely recommend talking to a parent, mostly to be sure the kid doesn’t already have the gift, but if you’re sending with Amazon, just be sure to include a gift receipt. I’ve found hits for that age to be any kind of blocks (especially if they have a fun element like the large foam blocks); craft kits (like the ALEX toys kits); and very easy board games (like Sneaky Snacky Squirrel). Also check out NY Times’ Wirecutter reviews–they have suggestions for kids’ gifts for different ages.

Boston ‘rettes: I am hosting my grandma’s 90th birthday party in your lovely city this spring. I am so excited to do this for her. We are expecting about 55 people to attend–a mix of local and out of town folks. We are convening at an event space in her apartment building in early afternoon on a weekend day. We want to a light lunch, dessert, and champagne/wine/etc. Some of the crowd will be vegetarian. Does anyone have a great catering recommendation? I am trying to coordinate this from a different city on a different coast, so a local perspective would be great.