The Walking Dead Death Rankings (S6 Ep9 Preview)

It feels like it’s been a long time since we got our fill of predicting fictional character’s deaths and to be honest these rankings themselves almost didn’t survive the first half of season 6! Alas Jesse and I are feeling revitalized to pull a “walker” and bring this blog back to life! Hopefully with less blood and guts though.

As a reminder every week Jesse and I will provide rankings based on who we think will die next. The further down the list, the more likely they are to die. We give ourselves points based on where the character is on our list. For instance, if Rick dies this week then Kevin will have four points and Jesse will have two points.

How did the first half of season 6 go you ask? Well Jesse and I have a history of ties. We tied in fantasy football, we tied in pick em and we are tied with our love of Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately in this case we did not tie. Why did I bring up our history of ties then? Well Jesse has a 2 point lead over me and I am very upset about it and I want him to remember that he isn’t better than me. If you want to read all of our hilarious insights into how the first half of season 6 went you can go ahead and read everything we had to say here.

Season Score: Jesse 39 Kevin 37

TV spoilers start now (no comic spoilers):

Kevin’s Rankings

Judith- Should we just retire Judith? Probably, it’s up for discussion. On the other hand, just wait until season 26 when Judith and Maggie’s future baby are busy repopulating the earth like they are the Duggars! It will all pay off you just wait.

Daryl- It looks like Daryl could be in trouble! How will he ever get himself out of this mess he finds himself in? By grunting you say? You’re probably right. Everyone’s favorite character from The Walking Dead, ladies and gentlemen.

Maggie- Maggie is trapped but she knows that Glenn is alive! So let’s fast forward past Glenn saving her and their loving reunion and talk about something that really matters. How will Maggie reveal the gender of their unborn kid to Glenn? I’m hoping she lines up a male walker and a female walker and shoots whatever gender the baby is. Hey don’t get mad at me, traditions evolve alright? Don’t forget that Glenn proposed with a ring found on a walker! It’s…adorable.

Rick- Perhaps I am an entrepreneur at heart but hear me out. Rick got his group out of a sticky situation by covering themselves in the blood and guts of the walkers right? Dude, bottle that shit up and sell it like crazy! Imagine how much ammo you could gain from a trade for a bottle of zombie scented Febreze (Deadbreze?) or a fancy bottle of Walker No. 6 perfume! You’re the leader Rick, start taking advantage of your people like all good leaders do! And please, please star in your own cologne commercial for your L’eau D’walker product.

Carol- Jesse would be far better for this joke but the whole Carol vs the Wolf vs Morgan storyline has to have come from wrestling right? Carol and Morgan come in on the same team only to turn on each other as the Wolf escapes. That sounds wrestling esque right Jesse? Right?!

Rosita- You know that feeling when someone new in your life is all of a sudden your close friend? Out of nowhere you somehow are texting and hanging out with this person and you don’t realize it until you don’t talk to them for a long while? That’s how I feel about Rosita being so high on my list. How the hell did this happen? She slowly snuck her way to the top and I’m not happy about it. But I’m not changing it either because I’m convinced she will just fade away from the show instead of die. In fact, maybe she already has.

Glenn- You’re back! Just like Jon Snow! (I don’t watch Game of Thrones but even I know the truth…) Unfortunately for us (but fortunate for Carl’s hormones!) you dragged Enid back home. Didn’t you learn anything from your failed attempt with Nicholas? This is like when the New England Patriots brought in Albert Haynesworth (And Chad Johnson…and Tim Tebow…and…) to save his career. Just let it go man.

Sasha- So are you and Abraham a thing? I’m asking for my friend Daryl because he can’t formulate coherent words too well. But he’s totes into you.

Abraham- Hey I know I rag on Abe’s original group (Eugene and Rosita) a lot but even Abe want’s nothing to do with them! How long has it been since he shared the screen with those guys?

Michonne- It took me a couple of minutes to remember where you ended up at the end of last season.Then it hit me, you are in the suburbs of Alexandria still. Because who wants to see the katana-wielding badass killing walkers every week when we could watch her chill in a big ol’ white house.

Tara- Does The Walking Dead give me nightmares? Yes, every night is a hard night of sleep because I’m dreaming of how they will never kill off Tara until she is eventually the star of the show. It haunts me.

Morgan- You know the new guy that comes into work fresh out of college and is like, “hey guys, I really think we could do this better?” and everyone hates him because you’ve already tried everything he is suggesting and there are reasons you do things the way you do them and he gets socially outcasted because he is too driven and naive? Now am I describing Morgan or myself? I’ll let you decide.

Jessie- I recently watched Love Actually for the first time. Okay so I recently watched the first 15 minutes of Love Actually before puking and turning it off for the first time. My point is, Rick (ahem…”Andrew Lincoln”, whoever that is) is in that movie. Apparently he gets accused of being in love with his best (male) friend that is getting married. But (plot twist!) he’s actually in love with his best friend’s bride. Seriously? How do you take a cliche (in love with your best friend who is getting married) give it a fresh spin (that best friend is the same gender as you) and then round back to another cliche (actually I love your hot ass new wife!) and call that a good idea? What’s my point? Rick is crazy and Jessie should stay away.

Enid- “Oh thank god Glenn went and saved Enid and brought her back” said no Walking Dead fan ever.

Eugene- So who’s meaningless life is Eugene going to end up saving? Rosita’s or uh…that other girl..Tara? Yeah Tara! Logically it should be Rosita (they are friends, Abe would respect him more, etc) but my bet is Tara because Tara is never going away. She’s here for-ev-ver.

Denise- You got caught be the Wolf in sheep’s clothing! That’s all I got. Good luck.

Carl- He almost got killed by a shovel but he managed to dig his way out of it! Two puns in row? You deserve better.

Aaron- The only reason Aaron is still on these rankings is because Aaron is going to save Maggie or Glenn’s life and they are going to take his advice and name their child after him. When that happens I won’t have to change anyone’s name on the rankings!

Father Gabriel- Bro, come on, please, seriously, wtf, how, why, impossible, no way! Those are my thoughts about Father Gabriel still being on this show.

RIP Deanna- Well you brought a strong female politician character to the show. Which is definitely what we all had been asking for right? You were a mentor to Maggie and you raised some pretty shitty sons. But you did…make plans to plant a garden? And…let Rick destroy everything you built? So rest in peace and try not to screw that up too.

Jesse’s Rankings

Judith – I saw How to be Single last night and there was a scene where Leslie Mann literally did nothing but stare at a baby for about three minutes. I was more moved by that baby in three minutes than I have been in three seasons with Judith. Yes, I know I should’ve went and saw Deadpool instead. That’s not the point.

Rick – I also recently watched Love, Actually. The WHOLE thing (alcohol helps). I can no longer take Andrew Lincoln seriously in any other role. This show has made and ruined his career, so he better hope it never ends. And it might not…

Daryl – I believe that part of the reason Kevin moves people around in his rankings more than I do is how bored he gets of people never dying. Take Daryl, for instance. He’s not getting killed off, all he does anymore is grunt, so I think Kevin moves him around to try and make Daryl entertaining again. And even that’s getting boring.

John Connor Carl – Last time we did these rankings, I compared Carl to Tyrion Lannister. I’m feeling pretty ashamed of that now, because Carl is nowhere near as cool as Tyrion and he never will be. What a fool I was.

Morgan – Everyone gives Morgan shit for not killing other people, but what would they prefer? That he was all crazy again and was trying to kill them instead? Come on guys, a pacifist is a much better friend than a psychopath.

Maggie – Seriously, I’m not advocating for the idea that How to be Single was better than Deadpool, but when your girlfriend wants to see a chick flick for Valentine’s Day, you have to do it.

Glenn – Glenn would agree with me!

Carol – Kevin beat me to this analogy though. The Carol/Morgan/Wolfman storyline is riddled with wrestling cliches. Reluctant partners who are forced to team up against a common enemy, but then they get sick of each other and then wind up fighting, which enables the bad guy to win? That’s straight out of Monday Night Raw. Maybe Kevin is SO much better than me?

Abraham – I think a big season is in store for Abraham. Right after the midseason finale last fall, Sheamus cashed in his Money in the Bank contract and won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Sure, he lost it a month later, but he actually got to do something instead of just have people remind him how stupid he looks. And yes, that was two wrestling references in a row. God I love these rankings.

Michonne – One of the sand snakes from Game of Thrones. Works for me.

Jessie – Deanna’s sons were pretty stupid. Jessie’s don’t appear to be much brighter. Is it too much to ask to have ONE cool kid on this show? And don’t even throw Carl at me. We all just tolerate him at this point.

Denise – Guys, don’t tell Kevin I asked you, but who is Denise again?

Enid – Enid also couldn’t hold a candle to Arya. God, what the hell was I thinking?

Rosita – On this, I disagree with Kevin, because the more interesting a previously pointless character becomes, the more likely they are to bite the dust. I don’t like Rosita’s odds of making it to next season.

Aaron – It’s only natural that we replace a gay guy with a guy who bangs his sister, so Jaime Lannister.

Eugene – It’s so hard

Sasha – to care

Tara – about these people!

Father Gabriel – What’s this? A THIRD wrestling reference? You’re damn right. There is currently a faction on Raw called the Social Outcasts. I really wish people in the main group would splinter off into factions. Gabe could lead his own group of Outcasts and add Eugene and Enid to the mix. It would be glorious and I would instantly care a lot more about these characters. When no one cares about a wrestler, that’s what they do with him. They stick him in a faction. This could really work guys!

RIP Deanna – There’s not much to say really. You were an idealist and were holding things together pretty well in the zombie apocalypse. Then you met Rick and everything went to shit. Also, your death scene really stuck out to me for some reason.

2 thoughts on “The Walking Dead Death Rankings (S6 Ep9 Preview)”

My name is Derek and I’m the founder of the Fox Sports Engage syndicated sports and entertainment site nocoastbias.com. In short, the site is a hub for the most talented writers from across the country and I think you would be a great fit. If you’re interested, feel free to shoot me an email at derek (at) nocoastbias (dot) com or derek (dot) hernandez (at) hudl (dot) com. Thanks!