State of Mind

Determined not to scream i look away from him refusing him. You see my pain and frustration, i can feel him willing me to break, willing me to crack right open but i go on pretending he is not there. He gets mad and pulges his screw driver down my tied up hands and the scream slips out, he looks at me with his empty eyes daring me to defy him and not show my pain, I give in.
Fuck actors and producers! The pricks made it seem like you could withstand any pain but its all bullshit, I was lost. I welcome the unconsiousness that came after the pain, i let it wash over me, surely it would be better than being awake with him.
I dreamt of the darkness, the void and the emptiness. I could feel them reaching out for me, i could feel them crawling like maggots all over my skin. I tried to shake the feeling off but it remained. no, this shouldn’t be, I need a fucking break. I sit down in sorrow and shame, yes i am ashamed. I should be stronger but i cower in fear, I feel defeated.
If you were in my shoes what would you have done? Just as i’m about to let the darkness take me, he snatches me away from the easy path to the end. I had suspected that it was too good to be true. His cold eyes pierced through my soul, mocking my failed attempts at escaping him and promising me more despair. You gave yourself to me darling don’t you remember? he asked me.. I wasn’t yours to have but you converted me and now i’m all yours. Tears trickled down my face but it was too late to wish i did things differently. The bed was fucking messed up and i was lying in the pile of shit i made.
“I need the true death” i think to myself and then i chuckle… i have been watching too much true blood… if i had known that my life as i knew it was going be over soon i would have watched something else. I think he can read my thoughts because he is laughing, i suspect He is enjoying the fact that i’m the one torturing myself now. Yes he was breaking me and like bad clay in his callus hands i was falling apart.
Little by little time slips by and i wait impatiently for death. I could feel it close by, its chilly fingers stretched out to me but anytime i tried to touch it my tormentor pulls me back. This is never going to end i realise and with this realisation came a weird sense of peace and acceptance so i kill the tiny spark of hope dat was at the corner of my heart and look at my tormentor with a cold smile and say “come on bitch!” He came to me with a wide grin on his face and all i could think was “oh shit”!