Friday, January 19, 2007

Somber again today, as my morning walk to school was brisk and chilly. Last night in the limousine was internally disastrous yet everyone was so elated and happy. My sober mind could only hold the guise of happiness for so long. I could only hear the coked up drunken ramblings of my companions for so long.

One of my roommates, the essence of tact insisted upon sitting next to me and dispensing anyone and every ones business as usual. She assures me repeatedly that she is as tight lipped as a toad. I am beginning to loathe the sound of her simple country speech, so convoluted and juvenile. It isn't her fault, I tell myself as she was never instilled with a sense of urgency when it comes to education, particularly English. Yet the way she pronounces things, and protests that her pronunciation is correct is just so unnerving to me.

I have garnered great patience from living with my two female companions, the reason I think God put me in this situation. She comes home exclaiming how off the Veaang Shoe (Feng Shui) is of a room she was just in. A simple girl from a simple town.

And then there is the looming sore thumb, the man who just cannot blend in. He who self destructs slowly because the standards he places upon himself are like clouds to ants. Standing on in the corner watching the Caucasian masses flood in and out of the small openings, itching for alcohol and companionship. He grows more and more so, disinterested with his generation. Sometimes I wish it wasn't me, but I never fail to be that man.

Some quotes I liked:

Silence is as deep as eternity, speech a shallow as time.Thomas Carlyle

Thursday, January 18, 2007

As my super sweet sixteen or whatever mindless rot she calls entertainment played on the television I sat there last night next to her on the couch, scrubbing with cleanser and a scotch brite pad. She sat unflinching, fucked up on whatever pharmacological combination she decided to exceed the normal dosage on that particular evening. I would throw glances at her as I paused to rest my tired wrist from removing the etched tomato carbon from my pans.

She is the essence of hypocrisy. A social work grad student who could use some herself. An alcoholic by design without the skills to function on her own for a mere instant. So co dependent that she cannot leave her thirty plus boyfriend and continues to sleep with him after multitudinous examples of him treating her like the filth she lives in. She has more bottles of pills in her night stand than Walgreen's and you never can tell how highly medicated she truly is.

I know that I have many issues myself. I am arrogant and have a tendency to look down on people, but I have only shown her kindness. Especially in her times of deepest need.

She sat while I droned out some of the reality television with my scrubbing of the pot she fucked up. I was rendering it new again with the help of powerful chemicals. Stainless steel has a quality that people can never have, it can exist in a pool of quagmire and dirt can be caked to its sides, yet it can always be polished to its original luster.

She notices my gleaming pots and pans, fresh from scrubbing. I placed them out of the reach of her culinary ignorance in my closet last night. She said nothing. She comes in today with all of her shit pots and pans with rhetoric on how "roommates fuck up your shit, thats what happens," and "K and I can use these and you can use those." Fine with me my dear.

Then she ordered some cheesy bread yesterday. She was furious with me, because "I always eat all of her things and I just think it is so disrespectful." So now we are on I eat my stuff and you eat yours. Respect is a fools catchphrase for when they know not the source of their aggravation. She knows nothing of respect, it is clear by the way she lets herself be treated and treats others. She is too weak to even live her life without the help of uppers and downers.

So degrade the living conditions and I think we have yet to see how far down the rabbit hole we go.

Studies show that healthy people miss fewer days of work and are more productive on the job, so they are more likely to get promoted or earn higher salaries. "Healthy people also tend to look better, and, like it or not, a good physical appearance pays in many ways, including higher incomes," say Dwight Lee and Richard McKenzie, authors of Getting Rich in America: Eight Simple Rules for Building a Fortune and a Satisfying Life. Healthy people may choose to stay in the workforce longer, building up even greater savings and earning more interest on their money over the long term. Plus, research shows that the healthier you are, the happier you are, which has been tied to higher income.

No surprise there fat people.

So am I am moral investor, or not. I really am not as I truly care more about profit, and I think the world will be destroyed as most people think like me. I see stories like this and instantly ponder investing in the companies that are producing the most addictive products.

So I just saw a honda prelude on craigslist and I really really want it. I hope the guy emails me back!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

This might be the beginning of the end, but today I feel like I've had enough. My 18/10 stainless steel, copper core set of cookery that I received for Christmas a few years back have just taken too much abuse in this house.

I just have never met someone who simply refuses to clean up after themselves and can maintain such composure. Usually someone is filthy at home as well as attire I should think however I live with someone who must of grown up with a maid following their every step, collecting and sweeping like some underpaid immigrant.

I mean it is incredulous to me that someone can function with full recognition of their filth still lingering from the morning like it is simply not present, after days. I don't mean to be so anal, as I feel somewhat hypocritical even discussing topics like these. Yet dried two day old macaroni or burnt Campbell's tomato soup isn't fun to scrub out of my pans, especially if I am not the one creating the mess.

My cries fall on unsympathetic ears and I took drastic action tonight. I cleaned them all up for the last time and hid them in my closet. I feel horrible for doing such, I feel like that guy.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

God has been speaking to me this past week. His manner is so meta human, utilizing circumstance rather than substance. I have seen the words that make up his will in the situations of my life.

I stopped to watch a street preacher and joined it his harassment, as he paraded his gaudy evangelical message about campus. I stood with groups of other young men who gathered around me as I asked him about drugs, sex, gay marriage, etc, and I tried my hardest to make him look foolish. One question that he asked me stuck out in my mind, as he talked more to me than anyone. Our discourse I did discount at the time however this question he asked was so simple. What did I think about Jesus Christ. I said, uh, I think he is pretty cool. He stared at me in return.

I wish I could find this man again, I wish he would show up again on campus but I know I probably will never see him again. He was just a vehicle, I think that he was chosen because I wouldn't listen to anything he said, because I would think he was a fool. He told me something I already knew, that God dislikes that which clouds the mind. I thought nothing of his words then until now. Three times since, he has shown me that when my mind is clouded, I make very bad decisions.

The instances were not coincidence, and being a flagellating slave to the discipline of self knowledge I know what my normal behavior is. I know those actions that lie inside the realm of my personal beliefs. Yet three times I have stepped drastically outside myself, acting with a reckless maturity suited to a youth with far less fortitude.

I have been tested and I have failed, and this third time I realize what has to be done. I must abandon that which impairs my function and embrace the fact that I can never be enhanced by anything that by very nature inhibits.

I think I had a revelation tonight about my purpose. It just became more clear to me that everything I do is so predestined, every action integral in the workings of a greater machine. I am not sure if these lessons are in every life or God just speaks to me.

This man said another thing. I told him that I probably knew more about the bible than he did, and he said want to bet. I am not a betting man, I don't like the risk profile and I did not take his bet. Something about that stuck with me.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

First off, I wanted to address a correction on my belief that I posted in Fat America. My mother kindly offered her opinion which I think is much more correct than mine.

"Grasshopper, I assure you that your knowledge of women couldn't fill a thimble....you say what you say based on what? The sexiest thing about any woman is her mind and I KNOW that you know this....you've said it on more than one occasion....the best thing a woman can teach her daughter or her son is to be self sufficient...some cook from scratch, change oil, make patterns and sew clothes, others choose to pay someone to do all that for them...either way they get it done, they make choices....getting to the end zone is getting to the end zone. Except that you are on a journey of discovery and save these pronouncements for your memoirs....please...."