Celia Rivenbark - This might drive you to the brink, too

By Celia Rivenbark

Published: Saturday, July 20, 2013 at 12:30 a.m.

Last Modified: Friday, July 19, 2013 at 1:13 p.m.

I spent a little time at the DMV the other day when the Princess went to get her very first driver's license. It was an emotional day, as you might imagine, because I was afraid she wouldn't get back from the road test in time for me to get the Egg White Delight McMuffin at McDonald's. They stop selling it at 10:30 a.m. and it was getting close to 10. So, yes, I was getting a little weepy. It had nothing to do with the fact that in a few short minutes, I would become just another menopausal mom who had suddenly become as essential to her child as head lice.

No more "Mom, can you take me to …" or "Mom, can you pick us up at …"

As my stomach growled, a nice DMV officer gestured to where I should sit while the Princess did her road test. "You can sit here, Mom," he said. I kinda liked it.

I was too jumpy to read anything so I just sat in my designated "Mom" chair and soaked in the atmosphere. The following is an Absolutely True and Accurate Account of what the DMV had to deal with in the 15 minutes I sat and waited.

A man who appeared to be a little high asked the examiner if there was a difference between "tomorrow" and "next-day." He thought he could come back "tomorrow" but he wasn't sure he could make it the day after today. "I mean, what do you think?" he asked the woman in line behind him who laughed in his face.

A man who was convicted of driving while his license was revoked showed up to get a new license using an alias suggested by his buddies. A clean slate, if you will. When the clerk said that wouldn't technically be possible, he seemed disappointed. "I know it's not my REAL name but I like it better," he said.

A middle-age man who had just moved to town and needed a new license looked upset when the examiner said, "OK, let's go out to your car and we'll do the road test." He said, "I didn't bring a CAR. I thought y'all would provide one for me to drive. Like a rental or something."

All of which is by way of saying that I did, in fact, get the Egg White Delight McMuffin in plenty of time. No, no. What I meant to say was that people often ridicule the DMV for being crabby or slow or uncooperative. But when you are dealing with people who don't know the meaning of the word "tomorrow," who think there's a limo/taxi stand outside for public consumption, who think if you change your name and you're a felon, you can just get a new license with the new name … well, it could make for a mighty long day.

Almost as long as the wait for the Princess to come back home safe tonight.

Celia Rivenbark is a syndicated humor columnist and author of the upcoming "Rude Bitches Make Me Tired." Visit her online at www.CeliaRivenbark.com.

<p>I spent a little time at the DMV the other day when the Princess went to get her very first driver's license. It was an emotional day, as you might imagine, because I was afraid she wouldn't get back from the road test in time for me to get the Egg White Delight McMuffin at McDonald's. They stop selling it at 10:30 a.m. and it was getting close to 10. So, yes, I was getting a little weepy. It had nothing to do with the fact that in a few short minutes, I would become just another menopausal mom who had suddenly become as essential to her child as head lice.</p><p>No more "Mom, can you take me to …" or "Mom, can you pick us up at …"</p><p>As my stomach growled, a nice DMV officer gestured to where I should sit while the Princess did her road test. "You can sit here, Mom," he said. I kinda liked it.</p><p>I was too jumpy to read anything so I just sat in my designated "Mom" chair and soaked in the atmosphere. The following is an Absolutely True and Accurate Account of what the DMV had to deal with in the 15 minutes I sat and waited.</p><p>A man who appeared to be a little high asked the examiner if there was a difference between "tomorrow" and "next-day." He thought he could come back "tomorrow" but he wasn't sure he could make it the day after today. "I mean, what do you think?" he asked the woman in line behind him who laughed in his face.</p><p>A man who was convicted of driving while his license was revoked showed up to get a new license using an alias suggested by his buddies. A clean slate, if you will. When the clerk said that wouldn't technically be possible, he seemed disappointed. "I know it's not my REAL name but I like it better," he said.</p><p>A middle-age man who had just moved to town and needed a new license looked upset when the examiner said, "OK, let's go out to your car and we'll do the road test." He said, "I didn't bring a CAR. I thought y'all would provide one for me to drive. Like a rental or something."</p><p>All of which is by way of saying that I did, in fact, get the Egg White Delight McMuffin in plenty of time. No, no. What I meant to say was that people often ridicule the DMV for being crabby or slow or uncooperative. But when you are dealing with people who don't know the meaning of the word "tomorrow," who think there's a limo/taxi stand outside for public consumption, who think if you change your name and you're a felon, you can just get a new license with the new name … well, it could make for a mighty long day. </p><p>Almost as long as the wait for the Princess to come back home safe tonight.</p><p><a href="http://www.starnewsonline.com/section/topic36"><b>Celia Rivenbark</b></a> is a syndicated humor columnist and author of the upcoming "Rude Bitches Make Me Tired." Visit her online at www.CeliaRivenbark.com.</p>