ELSEWHERE ON THE GTP NETWORK:

Friday! Yessss!! Time for Friday’s Fifteen Minutes, where z-listers get some press while they try to go for 20! Workin’ the pole today is Christopher Ciccone, Madonna’s leach brother-turned author! Now we all know the Madge machine is working overtime because of that Sticky and Sweet thing she’s got coming up. Snarkista’s not completely convinced that Chris isn’t part of Madonna’s evil PR plan. But she’ll play along and assume his new “tell-all” book about Madge is just about the money. For Chris. So he can get his freaky vampire teeth fixed.

Assume Snarkista would add “WTF?” after all of these, but actually doing so would get pretty boring. So…here’s some of the mud Christopher’s gonna sling at Madonna in his attempted literary coup de grÃ¢ce :

*Warren Beatty went through her trash to find out if she was cheating on him. Mr. “You’re So Vain” was worried about someone cheating on HIM? Ahahahaha! Sorry. Back to the mud.

*She keeps a huge portrait of herself in bondage gear laying on a bed with dead animals in full view of the kids. PETA could probably go either way on this one.

* When Sean Penn was married to Madge, he made Chris cut his thumb and then cut his own and merged them to become blood brothers. Penn approached him years later and asked him if he had AIDS. Holy 3rd grade, diplomatico. Penn would SO do this. Back to the willing suspension of disbelief.

*Madonna considered letting Dennis Rodman and some dude from Melrose Place (not the show, the bad part of town) impregnate her, but then jumped on Carlos Leon when she met him in Central Park. Chris says she was concerned about his intelligence. Poor Lourdes.

*Madonna’s marriage is plagued by explosive fights and is held together only by a trusted rabbi who makes house calls. That poor guy must have his own room at the crib, ‘cuz why leave when you KNOW Madge is gonna be blowing up your phone!