Ever since 2015 my choppers have given me pretty much nothing but grief.

The latest episode unfolded in the dentist’s chair at the end of my book launch trip last November. After an hour of trying to dislodge the bridge from the implants, my persevering doctor concluded:

What we have here is a failure in design. It’s time to start over from scratch. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come back after the first of the year.

In fairness to Dr. P, last August he attempted to equip me with a span of teeth which could remain in my mouth permanently–requiring removal for cleaning only every couple of years. It proved to be problematic in multiple ways.

Worst of all the heads on the screws securing the teeth to the four implants have stripped. He’ll have to destroy the bridge WHILE STILL IN MY MOUTH in order to get at the screws a different way. Really looking forward to that. Then he will start to install Design B.

The good doctor has spent the better part of January going back and forth with the labs and consulting with various other doctors about the best way forward. Every pro says the same thing: Never seen anything like my case. Terrific!

But a new approach awaits next week. Visit number one is scheduled in Sanford for February 12 at 10 AM. Additional treatments–not sure how many–will be required to get things right. I’ve booked a return flight for February 25 to give plenty of time for any necessary adjustments. Hopefully the end result will far exceed the look of My Friend Flicka above.

Jan will remain in Idaho to hold down the fort at our home. Please pray for her during this time apart from each other and for the success of this latest twist in my RoboJaw Journey.

I will have considerable non-dentist time while in Central Florida. We’re praying about the personal and ministry connections the Lord would have me make. Some appointments are on the calendar already.

If you have a need or desire for some time, ministry, or fellowship for any reason, please reach out and we’ll see what we can make happen.

It’s no contest. Of the six petitions in Jesus’ model prayer (Matt. 6:9-13), the most frightening is the fifth: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”

Why? The appendix in v. 14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

The proof that you and I are forgiven is that we forgive others. If we think that our sins are forgiven by God and we refuse to forgive somebody else, we are making a mistake; we have never been forgiven. The man who knows he has been forgiven, only in and through the blood of Christ, is a man who must forgive others. He cannot help himself. If we really know Christ as our Saviour our hearts are broken and cannot be hard, and we cannot refuse forgiveness. If you are refusing forgiveness to anybody I suggest that you have never been forgiven.

God’s forgiveness is underneath ours and creates it and supports it. So that if we don’t give it to others—if we go on in an unforgiving spirit—what we show is that God is not there in our lives. We are not trusting him. And not trusting him will keep us out of heaven. And cause us to be handed over to the tormentors.

According to Jesus, the right way to pray takes into account the eternity-hangs-in-the-balance importance of a forgiving nature toward others.

Helps for Guarding Against Unforgiveness

One, remember God’s forgiveness. Focus often on just how much God has forgiven you. Beware of taking for granted God’s mercy to you while withholding it from others. Others’ sins against us are not more serious than our sins against God (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:12-13).

Two, practice the virtue of overlooking. Prov. 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” The more we practice #1 above the more likely we are to forgive unilaterally. Of course, that is not always possible. In that case . . .

Three, distinguish between the two stages of forgiveness. Ideally forgiveness is granted to a confession and repentance for an offense (Luke 17:3-4). But that doesn’t always happen right away and sometimes never happens in this lifetime. While you wait, rely on God’s strength to practice a disposition of forgiveness. This is an attitude that stands ready to transact forgiveness upon repentance with a Jesus’ like on the cross “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do” kind of grace and mercy (Luke 23:34).

Four, claim Romans 8:28—God working for your good. Even the wrongs others do to us have a plan in God’s sovereignty. Ken Sande, from whom I’ve largely drawn these helps in his book The Peacemaker, writes:

When you perceive that the person who has wronged you is being used as an instrument in God’s hand to help you mature, serve others, and glorify him, it may be easier for you to move ahead with forgiveness.

We followers of Jesus are the most forgiven people in the world. We should therefore be the most forgiving people in the world through Christ and the hope of His glorious gospel.

A colleague of mine in ministry calls himself “a conflict magnet.” I can relate. When I reflect on my thirty-year tenure in pastoral work, I wince over more relational battles than I care to remember.

My 2018 Journey post included disappointment in the way I navigated two particularly painful meetings. I suspect most pastors identify with the challenges which come with inevitable church conflict.

The apostle Paul prepped young pastor Timothy for handling opposition in a God-honoring way:

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will (2 Tim. 2:24-26).

Paul addresses the way pastors must engage people in conflict. In terms of what not to do, he commands only this: do not be quarrelsome.

The Greek word for quarrelsome comes from the root mache from where we get our English word macho. In Acts 7:26 it’s used for an actual physical fight. Pastors are not to be fighters, combatants–tackling conflict in a belligerent, contentious manner. That pattern disqualifies elders from office (1 Tim. 3:3). It reveals heart idols and passions yet to be conquered (James 4:1-2). There is a better way!

Seven Guidelines for Staying Peaceable in Conflict

One, faithfully embrace your identity. Pastors are first and foremost servants. Paul may have in mind the prophet’s Suffering Servant (Isa. 42:1-3). We must take our cue from Jesus who did not quarrel (Matt. 12:19).

Two, kindly engage your world. Pastors must show love (1 Cor. 13:4) by being kind to all without exception. If every believer must avoid quarreling but be gentle and show perfect courtesy toward all people (Titus 3:2), how much more should God’s shepherds.

Three, diligently use your skills. Able to teach. Elders serve because God has equipped them to instruct others in godly living (2 Tim. 4:1-2). Guide opponents into passages which address issues at hand. Let the Word of God do its powerful work (Heb. 4:12).

Four, patiently endure your offenses. Opponents will do you evil at times though undeserved. Plan on it. I’ve been called names. I’ve had my motives misjudged. What to do when attacked? Bear up under the evil with the Lord’s help (1 Pet. 2:21-24).

Five, gently correct your opponents. Whether for false teaching, immoral behavior, or other wrongs, people will need admonishment (1 Thess. 5:12). Do it gently (Gal. 6:1). Picture the way a mother cares for her children and a father exhorts the same (1 Thess. 2:7-12).

Six, humbly trust your God. No other truth in this text will help more to keep you from turning macho in a conflict. Pastors don’t make anybody change direction; God is the one who gives the gift of repentance leading back to the truth. Rest in that. He has to work and is always working (John 5:17).

Seventh, prayerfully fight your real enemy. Paul ends by reminding that Satan ultimately ensnares someone taken captive by sin. Never forget the true nature of the fight–spiritual warfare. Put on the whole armor of God and pray at all times for all the saints (Eph. 6:10-20).

Helps for Growing as Peaceable Pastors in Conflict

There are three resources that have helped me immensely toward a peaceable path as a pastor. A recent post featured Alexander Strauch’s book, Leading with Love. I commend it again. Alfred Poirier’s book The Peacemaking Pastor is another must read for pursuing peaceable ways in ministry.

Another terrific help is Ken Sande’s ministry RW360. Last year I worked through his online training in relational wisdom to great advantage. Check it out.

Robert Lewis Dabney was an American Christian theologian, Southern Presbyterian pastor, Confederate States Army chaplain, and architect. He was also chief of staff and biographer to Stonewall Jackson.

Clearly he was no stranger to egregious loss. I’ve said it time and again: No one should have to bury a child. And yet, many have. The world is not the way it should be. Maranatha.

I didn’t know Dabney’s story until reading Bruce’s priceless work (I use the adjective purposefully–if you have lost a child, read this book). From Grief to Glory chronicles accounts of numerous Christians from history enrolled in this unenviable fraternity.

Of all the testimonies included in this splendid book, Bruce credits Dabney’s for most touching his heart.

Dabney died an old man, infirm and blind. His life and ministry, Bruce observes, “are all but forgotten today” (81). Though grief stricken, he lived and died well.

In unshaken loyalty of devotion to his friends, his country, and his religion, firm in misfortune, ever active in earnest endeavor, he labored all his life for what he loved, with a faith in good causes, that was ever one with his faith in God (81).

Should my bride outlive me, I can only hope she might inscribe something of the same sentiments over my remains. If so, only one explanation will account for the tribute: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9).

Last year brought massive change in my life and ministry! That, along with the encouragement to post an annual review by my writing coach, Chad Allen, prompted this summary of milestone events and learning experiences.

The Highlights This Year

Led the way to a peaceful pastoral succession. After fifteen years of service as the lead pastor at Orlando Grace Church, I passed the shepherding baton to Jim Davis. From the moment I accepted the ministry challenge at OGC, I determined to gift the church a seamless transition in leadership when that time came. Nothing matches this milestone for significance and delight for me in 2018.

Launched my book, The Peacemaking Church. This highlight comes in a close second! The three-year writing project finally reached completion with publication in November. Jan and I were thrilled to return to Central Florida for a signing event hosted by Orlando Grace. The number of folks who joined us that night to celebrate the accomplishment of a lifelong goal fueled our hope for how the Lord might use the book to promote church unity elsewhere.

Travelled to East Asia. For security purposes I regret that I cannot say much about our experience overseas. This survey trip to encourage M workers in a challenging environment proved to be the privilege of a lifetime for this pastor and his wife. We witnessed just how much God is working in a difficult place. It was our joy to speak about peacemaking on multiple occasions for the benefit of precious servants laboring in the field.

Relocated to my beloved Idaho. With succession came the challenge of what to do and where to go next. After much prayer, the Lord led us to our five-acre spot in the Clearwater valley. A major component of that decision involved the recent planting of Trinity Reformed Baptist Church just twenty minutes from our home. Their need has brought us here to explore what the Lord may have for us in providing part-time pastoral ministry help. At the same time, He has faithfully met our needs in amazing and practical ways.

The Lowlights This Year

Struggled to lead well in crucial meetings. On two particular occasions before exiting OGC, I failed to execute the kind of courage necessary to love others well in conflict (Eph. 4:15). My weaknesses disappointed and hurt brothers and sisters for whom I care deeply. I will always regret the taste my shortcomings have left in some mouths in an otherwise savory final year in Orlando.

Lost partnerships with gifted servants. Closely related to lowlight one, number two involved sharp disagreements (Acts 15:36-41) leading to parting of ministry ways. While I believe these relationships are reconciled, the difficulties in navigating the conflicts resulted in lost opportunities for future ministry collaboration.

Mediocre performance in peacemaking training. I participated in a two-day advanced conflict coaching and mediation course in St. Louis. My mentor’s first question in evaluation says it all. “Have you done much of this kind of thing?” Actually, I have, but apparently still have some way to go.

Robojaw woes continued. I endured a final surgery in jaw reconstruction and subsequent multiple attempts in both Orlando and Boise to place correctly an eight-teeth sized bridge in my mouth. A proper fit to the appliance still eludes my longsuffering dentist. A trip to Orlando is right around the corner to take another shot at getting things right.

Takeaways for Growth

God is not done with me yet. He has opened doors for me to continue preaching and help others with their conflict. I am passionate about these things and want to continue serving others as He gives me grace to do so!

Two are better than one in doing the Lord’s work (Ecc. 4:9-12). I knew this before but time and again the Lord shows me how priceless a treasure I possess in my wife as we partner together in this new season.

My “fear of man” sins must continually be put to death with the Spirit’s help (Col. 3:5). I cannot afford to let my guard down on this perpetual threat. Too much is at stake.

Peacemaking skills require constant improvement. St. Louis was a wakeup call for me. I’m not as skilled at the mediation thing as I thought I was. I want to find ways in 2019 to get better at helping others this way.

Writing is something I can do reasonably well. Or so I’ve been told in various reviews! I want to explore additional projects the Lord might have for me in the future.

Thanks for hanging in with me for a longer post than usual. As you review your own 2018 journey and anticipate 2019, I offer these words of encouragement from January 3rd’s entry in Morning Thoughts:

Living in a world of imperfection and change, we must expect nothing perfect, nothing stable, in what we are, in what we do, or in what we enjoy. But amid the dissolving views of the world that “passes away,” let us take firm hold of the unchangeableness of God. The wheels may revolve, but the axle on which they turn is immoveable. Such is our covenant God. Events may vary- providences may change- friends may die- feelings may fluctuate- but God in Christ will know “no variableness, neither the shadow of a turning.”

Whenever anybody tells me they have read The Peacemaking Church, I’m so very grateful and appreciative for their investment of time and effort.

Additionally I request that they post a fair and honest review at online sales giant Amazon. Everything Baker Publishing tells me about getting my book out into the world depends upon a strong showing in these evaluations.

Twice now folks willing to do that have reported back to me getting shut out of Amazon due to their lack of purchases over the past twelve months. Go figure.

I asked one of those readers if he would grant permission for me to post his review on my blog. He graciously consented.

Pastor Heffelfinger offers valuable perspectives for the pursuit of unity among the saints. He puts before us the challenge to endeavor to be the kind of people who treasure a unified Church; who are vigilant in turning the spotlight inward to identify corrosive idols so that, as he proposes, “[T]he best fight your congregation ever experiences is the one you never get into in the first place.” The truths presented in The Peacemaking Church are weapons in a believer’s arsenal that will awaken (or perhaps reawaken) beautiful, powerful insights unique to the function of this Body to which we belong. Pastor Heffelfinger has lived out these insights, and the case he presents will only help to strengthen your own peacemaking quotient.

I wrote this book in the hopes of making readers peacemaking strong. Jan and I continue to pray that the Lord will use it to that end with whomever he will.

Thanks, Jeff, for the kindness of your favorable review and especially for ending on the word quotient!

Question:What will you do in 2019 to help strengthen your peacemaking quotient?

Of all the books on leadership I’ve worked through in my years as a peacemaking pastor, few have made a greater impact on me than this one. The publisher bills the text this way:

This book provides leaders and teachers a clear understanding of what the Bible teaches about love. This understanding is essential to you as an individual leader and to the church as a whole. It will significantly improve your relational skills, enhance your effectiveness in ministry, diminish senseless conflict and division, build a healthier church, and promote evangelism. If you lead or teach people in any capacity in the body of Christ, this book will help you become a more loving leader or teacher.

Strauch accomplishes those aims by working through the details of the Bible’s great love chapter–1 Corinthians 13–in parts one and two. Part three focuses on The Works of a Loving Leader.

These include practices like Caring for People’s Needs, Laboring in Prayer, Protecting and Reproving Loved Ones, Disciplining and Restoring the Wayward, Managing Conflict a “More Excellent Way,” and Practicing Hospitality.

Regarding hospitality for example, Strauch argues from Romans 12:10–“Love one another with brotherly affection”–that leaders must create loving community by bringing others into our homes.

Brotherly love entails knowing one another and sharing life together. Unless we open the doors of our homes to one another, the reality of the local church as a close-knit family of loving brothers and sisters is just one more empty religious theory. It is impossible to know or grow close to our brothers and sisters by meeting for an hour a week with a large group in a church sanctuary. It is through the ministry of hospitality that we provide the fellowship and care that nurtures true brotherly and sisterly love (100).

For an illustration of the effect produced by practicing hospitality, Strauch cites research conducted by a news reporter measuring church friendliness.

Each visit resulted in a rating based upon a point system. Greeters at the door–two points. Welcome form letter from the pastor–three points. Coffee hour–five points. Warm greeting from individuals–ten points. Personal invitations to dinner?” SIXTY POINTS!

Such is the power of hospitality.

If you lead others in your church in any capacity–but especially as a pastor–I urge you to include Leading with Love on your 2019 reading list.

Question: When have you been loved well by a leader practicing hospitality?

At this time of year when many of us make New Year resolutions, consider adding to the usual drop-some-weight-exercise-more kinds one of these not-so-common peacemaking types to your 2019 list:

1. I resolve with the Lord’s help to pursue the happiness of a peacemaker and be rightly called a child of God (Matt. 5:9).

2. I resolve with the Lord’s help to celebrate the good and pleasant gift of unity within my church and to pray for its ongoing reality (Psalm 133).

3. I resolve with the Lord’s help to do my best to help maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace within my church (Eph. 4:1-6).

4. I resolve with the Lord’s help if possible, so far as it depends upon me, to live peaceably with all (Rom. 12:18).

5. I resolve with the Lord’s help to do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit but in humility of mind to consider others more important than myself (Phil. 2:3).

6. I resolve with the Lord’s help to look out not only for my own interests but also for the interests of others and thus have the same attitude as that of the Lord Jesus (Phil. 2:4-5).

7. I resolve with the Lord’s help to put to death sinful anger by promptly initiating peacemaking conversations whenever they become necessary (Matt. 5:21-26).

8. I resolve with the Lord’s help to enlist help from within my church for assisted peacemaking mediation when efforts to do personal peacemaking fail to achieve reconciliation (Matt. 18:15-20).

9. I resolve with the Lord’s help to cultivate a welcoming spirit toward others who differ with me about preferences and choices of conscience and refuse to judge them when God can make them stand (Rom. 14:1-12).

10. I resolve with the Lord’s help to intercept relational disruptions wherever possible by deferring my rights to others (Genesis 13).

11. I resolve with the Lord’s help to honor and respect my church leaders for their hard work in the Lord and will endeavor to maintain truth-in-love communication with them at all times (1 Thess. 5:12-13).

12. I resolve with the Lord’s help to be kind and to forgive others for their offenses as God in Christ has forgiven me (Eph. 4:32).

13. I resolve with the Lord’s help whenever possible to overlook the offenses of others (Prov. 19:11) knowing that love covers a multitude of sins (1 Pet. 4:8).

14. I resolve with the Lord’s help to avoid gossiping about others and sowing discord within the body of Christ (Prov. 6:16-19).

15. I resolve with the Lord’s help to use my tongue only to speak what is good for the building up of others for giving grace to those who hear (Eph. 4:29).

It seems that at one point in his ministry, Pastor Tom Carson experienced a painful conflict with another pastor who treated him quite poorly.

As son Don relates the story, he only learned of the conflict years later. When he eventually brought the matter up, he quizzed his dad about why he never told the kids about any of it.

Tom explained that both he and his wife, Marge, wanted to protect their own souls from bitterness. So they took a vow that neither would ever say an unkind thing about the other pastor–and they kept that vow!

Daughter Joyce commented:

As I look back on life with Mom and Dad, perhaps the one thing I recall most vividly is the memory I don’t have. Try as I might, I cannot recollect one time when either of them spoke negatively about another person. Although Mom was an extremely astute judge of character, her analyses were well seasoned with grace and the latent potential for redemption (60).

What kind of talk comes out of your mouth in a conflict? Is it corrupt or kind? Does it tear down or build up? Does it give grief or grace to those who hear–especially the most impressionable?

The next time you are tempted to speak critically of someone else, choose the teaching of kindness on your tongue–void of bitterness, well seasoned with grace, and born of the latent potential for redemption.

Question: How would your children or friends describe your speech about others with which you are at odds?

Christmas may well be the most wonderful time of the year, but it can also be the most stressful. Some research even suggests it can cause a heart attack!

Many variables contribute to the craziness—including the tensions produced by the dynamics at family gatherings.

Luke 10:38-42 gives an account of a household meltdown that can help us navigate the challenges which threaten a peaceful holiday.

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Here are three takeaways for staying peaceful and calm the rest of December from this tale of two sisters.

One, monitor personal desires. Kudos to Martha for showing hospitality to Jesus and his followers.

But her desire to pull out all the stops (a common temptation for serving types) got Martha a loving but firm rebuke from Jesus. “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things.”

Luke says she was “distracted”—literally pulled in a zillion directions—”with much serving.”

Her desire, not bad in and of itself, went south when it deteriorated into a demand leading to an outburst. That’s precisely how idols work, if we don’t watch over our hearts and control their passions with the Lord’s help.

Two, resist critical judgments. Ken Sande has blogged about the progression of idols from desire, to demand, to judging, and punishing. Martha makes for a textbook case.

What puts her version of this slippery slope into a whole other category is her criticism/demand not just of Mary but of Jesus! “Lord, do you not care? Tell her to help me.”

Good grief, talk about an awkward moment around the living room. David Powlison writes:

We judge others—criticize, nit-pick, nag, attack, condemn— because we literally play God. This is heinous. . . . Who are you when you judge? None other than a God wannabe. . . . When you and I fight, our minds become filled with accusations: your wrongs and my rights preoccupy me. We play the self-righteous judge in the mini-kingdoms we establish.

Three, guard spiritual priorities. Jesus defends Mary for choosing “the good portion,” not to be taken away from her.

Much serving at the expense of much worshipping leads to much worrying.

Regularly choose the one thing necessary this Christmas for keeping your idols in check and your peace in place.

Question:How do you choose the good part during the busy holiday season?