"In keeping with the tradition of the White House, the ban on exotic dancers performing for my guests has been lifted for financial and moral reasons."

The President in his statement, readily admits that in addition to his position as President, he owns a stable of a dozen or more exotic dancers whom he rents out to supplement his paltry salary. In denying that he has a conflict of interest, he does point out that if his royal guests and celebrities need that kind of titillation now, he fears that when they reach his age, they may be so jaded that they might take up more mundane hobbies, such as golf or fishing, resulting in his financial demise.

In lifting the ban, he cited the upcoming NCAA Final Four Basketball Tourney this weekend as providing the impetus for his decision. In a confidential memo that he received from Snoop Doggy Dogg, who was invited to watch the games with him, Snoop requested that he bring his exotic dancers with him for a private showing so that the dancers could personally exemplify the moral dichotomy of their profession.

According to Snoop, who has been known to receive coeds in his own office unencumbered by the restraints of clothing, the White House handbook is ambiguous on the subject of exotic dancers. He cites the following paragraphs as examples:

Para: 144.05 Retention of Exotic Dancers for White House events: No exotic dancers shall be retained solely for the purpose of getting naked and slithering around provocatively. If however some community service is performed such as redistributing money from wealthy elitist guests to impoverished dancers who use the money to feed their family, this shall be considered exculpatory.

Para: 144.06 Treatment of Exotic Dancers while on Premises: No one shall leer at, make suggestive comments to, or attempt to convince dancers to use household items such as brooms as props for their performance unless dancers forget to bring their own sex toys to embellish show. If any of the dancers accuse one or more of the guests of leering and/or making suggestive comments, two thirds of the guests witnessing the show must concur with the complainant prior to any action by the Attorney General.

Para: 144.07 Payment of Exotic Dancers for Services Performed: Unless the dancers can produce a legal contract, signed by all parties, it shall be left to the guests to decide what remuneration the dancers shall receive based on a 10 point grading list. If any question arises, the minimum rate the dancers shall receive will be no less than the National minimum wage of $5.07 per hour.

*The above paragraphs from the White House Handbook were printed with the permission of the President as a service to the Country.