Desperate Housewives

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Martha: I was just thinking of that expression, "I'll make mincemeat out of you." Mincemeat used to be made up of little bits of meat chopped up, so the expression was like saying, "I'll chop you up into little pieces!"

Gabrielle: Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can't even pronounce.

Bree: Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex.

Dr. Goldfine: All right.

Bree: I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan.

Julie: How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?

Mary Alice(voiceover): Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it’s a friendly rivalry...or a fight to the death...the end result is the same. There will be winners... and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price.

Bree: (whispering) As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?

Rex: Bree...

Bree: And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that.

Felicia: Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death. Yes, I know. It’s hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks.

Rex: You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!

Bree: Hardly? How about never!

Rex: I mean, fine. When I move out, I’m going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. pizza, spare ribs...

Bree: You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!

Rex: Isn’t divorce fun?

Susan(chuckles): Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on...

Zach: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?! DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Susan(harshly): Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking to my daughter ever again. And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!

Gabrielle: John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because me and you? No future!

Rex: What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?

Bree: I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates buffets.

Bree: No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me which is, just as mortifying.

Rex: What are we gonna do?

Bree: Oh. We're going to act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster.

Rex: Please, let's go now...

Bree: Oh no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu.

Rex: Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating.

Bree: Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.

Rex: Bree...

Bree: I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step.

Susan: No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend.

Mike: I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment.

Susan: See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments.

Mike: Susan...

Susan: Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, by the way, I did that once" You didn't.

Lynette: Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on.

Bree: If it were any other day.

Lynette: Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

Rex: Bree, why aren't you dressed?

Bree: I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but I just realized I don't know what it is.

Rex: Bree, I'm sure that you came to see him will be all he needs.

Bree: (ignoring him) A good mother is supposed to know her kids inside and out, but I don't know that.

Rex: Bree...

Bree: Yours is blue, and Danielle loves pink. But I...I can't remember Andrew's. Should I wear the brown, or the green...

Rex: Bree, you are a wonderful mother. And when you are ready, I'll be in the car.

Bree: (quietly, to herself) I'll wear green; everyone likes green.

Felicia(referring to Mrs. Huber's house): This is the place where good taste goes to die.

Andrew: "You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?"

Reverend Sikes: "I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins."

Andrew: "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise."

John: "What about me? Can't I be your plan B?"

Gabrielle: "Damn it, John. What is our new rule?"

John: "Stop pretending we have a future."

Gabrielle: "Thank you."

Gabrielle: "If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you."

Carlos: "If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you."

Gabrielle: "Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?"

Gabrielle: "I feel trapped."

John: "You want me to open a window?"

Gabrielle: "No, I'm talking about my life."

John: "Oh. Are we done making out?"

Andrew: (referring to the wine) You don't suppose I can get some of that?

Rex: Nope. I'm gonna need every drop.

Gabrielle: "Carlos cut up all my credit cards. I'm married and I can't shop which is the worst of all of all possible worlds."

John: "Why dont you return the shoes and get the money back?"

Gabrielle: "Return the shoes!?! I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical!"

Bree: "Your father is into S&M. He makes me beat him with a riding crop. No wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are."

Susan: "I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him."

Mike: "But..."

Susan: "But he's with Edie! I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?"

Bree: "My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him deeply. And your mother did a lousy job."

Gabrielle: "Say what you want, but John Rowland loved me like no one ever has. Not as a trophy or as a possession, but for me. He loved me."

Lynette: "Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could've left. You know... Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help."

Parker: "Like who?"

Lynette: "I don't know, it could be a little boy in, uh... England... named Spencer?"

Tom: "Lynette?"

Lynette: "I mean, this is conjecture on my part. But it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more, because he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's a orphan. with no hands! Okay?" (Tom's face becoming dark)

Lynette: "(crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world."

Tom: "Honey, he is going to get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day when he is all grown up, you and Parker are going to laugh hysterically about this."

Gabrielle: "Well, that settles it. When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks."

Bree: "Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body."

Gabrielle: "About time."

Susan: "You must be so relieved."

Bree: "You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?"

Edie: "Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies."

Bree: "Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free friday morning because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial."

Gabrielle: "The what?"

Bree: "Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem."

Gabrielle: "We would love to come."

Susan: "Absolutely."

(Bree stands up and leaves her seat, and Susan looks at Edie rushing her answer)

Edie: "I'm busy. Sorry."

Susan: "Edie!"

Edie: "She's going to read a poem!"

(Susan kicks Edie under the table)

Edie: "Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come."

Counselor: "This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything. Come on, talk to us. How's your marriage?"

Gabrielle: "Shaky, at best."

Counselor: "And why is that?"

Gabrielle: "I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of this hellhole, and he fired him for no reason at all."

Bree: "Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand. And I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?"

Edie: "Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?"

Bree: (exploding) "I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I do not forgive.

Mary Alice(voiceover): Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can exist side-by-side in one heart. And that anyone is capable of anything.

Ed Ferrara: I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.

Lynette Scavo: Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.

Ed Ferrara: What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?

Tom Scavo: More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.

Ed Ferrara: You were Greek?

Tom Scavo: Alpha Tau Omega.

Ed Ferrara: I was Phi Kap.

Tom Scavo: You?

Ed Ferrara: And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.

Tom Scavo: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.

Ed Ferrara: Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

Carlos: What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?

Gabrielle: Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation, and I have no intention of statisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideas and values of the United States of America.

Carlos: Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?

Gabrielle: Yeah, that was a good trip.

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Time to check your blood pressure.

Susan: Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Yes.

Susan: Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside.

Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.

Andrew: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.

Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?

Andrew: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?

Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.

Andrew: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.

Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

Gabrielle: I'm the one who was sleeping with your son, but it's over now.

Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.

Karl: Now why would I do that?

Susan: Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.

Karl: I'll bring the wine.

Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.

Andrew Van De Kamp: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.

Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come.. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

Carlos: That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.

Gabrielle: Why?

Gabrielle: What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.

Carlos: It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.

Gabrielle: No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.

Carlos: We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.

Gabrielle: Well, that's different.

Carlos: Why?

Gabrielle: Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.

Mary Alice(voiceover): Every storm brings with it hope that somehow by morning everything will be made clean again, and even the most troubling stains would have disappeared like the doubts over his innocents, or the consequence of his mistake, like the scars of his betrayal or the memory of his kiss. So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best even though we know in our hearts some stains are so indelible nothing can wash them away.

Orson-"Will you stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of"!

Edie Britt: Wow, how self absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here and I even backed off when he fell for your little miss adorable act. But he's over that, it's my turn now and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt well that's just gravy.

Andrew Van De Kamp: She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she might jump off the porch.

Susan: How do you sleep at night? Edie: Soon... with Mike on top of me

Adventure Scout Girl: [Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I told you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you be interested?

Mary Alice: "The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane. It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer. Everyone was invited, including Art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane. But as the big night drew near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around. By Sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season. Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistletoe, and the mood was jolly. That is, until a certain guest made his appearance. Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year. But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very silent night."

Susan: "You have to kiss me. It's the law."

Susan: "I assume this means they know about me?"

Ian: "But of course."

Susan: "And they know about me as in" (in a bad British accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good news. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend."

Art: "Hey. You know, in a weird way...I should thank you. My sister was...a really wonderful person. She always saw the best in me. But there were things she couldn't see...or chose not to, God love her."

Lynette: "What do you mean?"

Art: "I think you know. See, I always knew that I had to take care of Rebecca, so I could never let myself...slip and do something that would hurt her. But now...I'm free...and all because of you."

Lynette: "You can't stay here."

Art: "Oh, don't worry. I'm already packed."

Lynette: "Where are you going?"

Art: "Why, you gonna write? Well, good-bye, Lynette. You take care of that beautiful family of yours."

Mary Alice: "There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions or curling up with a cup of eggnog or that unexpected kiss beneath the mistletoe or receiving a present from that special someone. No, people look forward to Christmas because they know it's a time for miracles."

[Bree has found Alma and a passed out Orson in bed together, along with sleeping pills and Viagra] Bree Van De Kamp: You raped my husband! Alma Hodge: We made love. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me. Bree Van De Kamp: Baby? Alma Hodge: It's true. I could be expecting right now. Bree Van De Kamp: Were you expecting this? [Bree decks Alma before she calls her house] Bree Van De Kamp: Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um... [pause] Bree Van De Kamp: ...bring the wheelbarrow.

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Bree: [to Alma] You... RAPED my husband!

Bree: [Bree finds Orson and Alma in bed together] Orson, I have caught you cheating, at least have the courtesy to WAKE UP!

Zack Young: You said I could kiss you! Gabrielle Solis: Yes, my lips not my oesophagus!

Parker Scavo: [Lynette is looking at herself in an outfit, when she notices Parker in the mirror playing with his foam football] What'cha doin'? Lynette Scavo: Oh, deciding what to wear my first day back to work. Do I look fat in this? Parker Scavo: I think you look good in everything! Lynette Scavo: Wow, you father's taught you well. Parker Scavo: What about the street fair? If you're going back to work, who's going to take me? Lynette Scavo: Mrs. McClusky, won't that be fun? Parker Scavo: No. Do you have to go back to work? Lynette Scavo: Come on, you and your brothers will be thrilled. Me going back to work is not that big a deal, we're only loosing a little time together in the afternoon. Parker Scavo: Every hour counts. I miss you all day long. Lynette Scavo: [She hugs him, kisses and rubs him on the head] Aww, honey, geez. Do you really mean that, or are you manipulating mommy into feeling incredibly guilty? Parker Scavo: A little of both. Lynette Scavo: Yep, your father's taught you well. [He smiles at her].

Mary Alice Opening: "It was late on a Tuesday night when the power went out all over Fairview. For most of the residents, it was a minor inconvenience, but for those with secrets, the darkness proved quite useful, indeed. Millie Russell was able to indulge in another night of midnight binging. Timmy Cooper was able to sneak another peak at his father's adult magazines. Marilyn Quinn was able to steal a few more puffs of her forbidden tobacco. But these secrets paled compared to the one a certain old woman was hiding in her basement. Yes, as a rule, darkness helps us keep our secrets safely hidden. But every rule ... has its exceptions."

Mary Alice: "When the lights went out on Wisteria Lane, Karen McCluskey wasn't the only resident left in the dark. Everyone else felt the pain of going without power, as well."

Mary Alice Closing: "Power. It's the type of thing most people don't think about ... until it's taken away. Whether it's the political power of the many ... or a lover's influence over just one. We all want some sort of power in our lives. If only to give ourselves choices. Yes, to be without choices, to feel utterly powerless ... Well, it's a lot ... like being alone in the dark."

Mary Alice Opening: "The night of her engagement party, Gabrielle Solis was injured. But she wasn't hurt by the chauffeur who almost slammed a door on her fingers ... or the stranger who almost stepped on her hand ... or the waiter who almost dropped a knife on her wrist. No, Gabrielle's injury came about in a more unexpected fashion ... and was caused by someone Gabrielle thought was her friend. ... And this is how Gabrielle Solis came to be injured the night of her engagement party. And though she seemed to laugh it off, Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see."

Mary Alice: "Gossip. For most housewives, it's just a harmless form of recreation. An exchange of semi-interesting titbits concerning the semi-interesting lives of people they know. But the time comes in every neighborhood when something very interesting happens. And that's when gossip stops being recreation, and becomes obsession."

Mary Alice: "And for the first time, Gabrielle was willing to let Carlos be with someone else ... because she knew he still belonged to her."

Mary Alice Closing: "Gossip. It's just a harmless form of recreation. It's careless talk that deals in polite fiction ... It's nasty speculation that's based on not-so-polite fact. How do we protect ourselves from the venomous sting of such idle gossip? The best way is to just tell the truth ... and wait for people to start talking about someone else."

[a kid pushes him down] Karen McCluskey: Hey you boys, knock it off! Karen McCluskey: [puts her arm on Parker's shoulder] Parker I'm sorry. Are you all right? Parker Scavo: [He pulls his shoulder away] Ya know, everything would be okay if you told people what you told me. You can make them stop. [he walks off]

Lynette: "Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant."

Tom: "Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people."

Lynette: "Only two. And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again."

Lynette: "What do you mean, it's bar mitzvah season? There's no such thing."

Carlos Solis: [after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid! Gabrielle Solis: [Carlos walks away] Where are you going? Carlos Solis: To warn the Scavo boys!

Danielle Van De Kamp: [shouting to Andrew] I liked you better when you were a psychopath!

Lynette: "Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay."

Edie(to Carlos, undressing): "Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance."

Mary Alice(voiceover): "Yes, you can learn a lot about women, from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for."

Mary Alice Opening: "It was late on a Tuesday night when the power went out all over Fairview. For most of the residents, it was a minor inconvenience, but for those with secrets, the darkness proved quite useful, indeed. Millie Russell was able to indulge in another night of midnight binging. Timmy Cooper was able to sneak another peak at his father's adult magazines. Marilyn Quinn was able to steal a few more puffs of her forbidden tobacco. But these secrets paled compared to the one a certain old woman was hiding in her basement. Yes, as a rule, darkness helps us keep our secrets safely hidden. But every rule ... has its exceptions."

Mary Alice: "When the lights went out on Wisteria Lane, Karen McCluskey wasn't the only resident left in the dark. Everyone else felt the pain of going without power, as well."

Mary Alice Closing: "Power. It's the type of thing most people don't think about ... until it's taken away. Whether it's the political power of the many ... or a lover's influence over just one. We all want some sort of power in our lives. If only to give ourselves choices. Yes, to be without choices, to feel utterly powerless ... Well, it's a lot ... like being alone in the dark."

Edie: "I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!"

Gabrielle: "I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot."

Victor: "Will you marry me?"

Gabrielle: "They're just toaster waffles."

Russell: "Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else."

Edie: "Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive. They're still disinfecting the jacuzzi."

Susan(to Ian and Mike): "You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide: There will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake!"

Mary Alice's Opening Narration_ "The first thing you should know is that Edie Britt never actually intended to die. But someone she loved was trying to leave her. So she planned every detail, from the silk scarf she'd hang by to the suicide note detailing her despair. Now all Edie had to do was wait for her beloved to come home. You see, to hold on to her man Edie knew she had to find the perfect moment to let go. Sadly for Edie her timing was fatally flawed. And this is now Carlos Solis arrived just in the nick of time to save the life of Edie. Of course had he known what she was about to do to his life he would have let her hang there. There is a certain time of night when children have been put to bed and husbands have begun snoring, that women lie awake and think of the secrets they’ve been keeping from their friends. It might be an impromptu wedding... or a recently diagnosed tumor... or a make believe pregnancy. Regardless, it’s all they will think of until something comes along to remind them that other people have secrets too".

Mary Alice's Narration Closing- "There is a certain time of morning. It occurs after kids have left for school. And husbands have headed off for work. It’s a time when women think of the secrets they’ve been keeping from their friends. And how shocked they would be if the truth were discovered. And how they would do everything in their power to keep that from happening. But what of those lucky women who have no secrets left to keep. What do they think about every morning? These women think of their neighbors and the secrets they may be keeping".

Bree: Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!

Mary Alice Opening: "The great crime wave hit Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday afternoon. That's when residents found their barbecues upended, their clean laundry trampled, and their skateboards missing. Naturally, everyone began to ask who could be responsible for such carnage? The answer lay in the home of a neighbor, who, 20 minutes earlier, had been engaging in an altogether different type of crime." ... And so ended the great crime wave on Wisteria Lane. No one ever found out who was responsible. Because, it was an inside job."

Mary Alice: "You will never see despair here or rage. You will never see the tiniest bit of regret. You see, the people who live here have learned there is one sure way of hiding their secrets from their neighbors. That's why, in the suburbs, there is nothing more decaptive than a smile."

Mary Alice: "Bree Hodge persisted in her effort to unlock the secret of Katherine Mayfair's lemon meringue. But after several failed attempts, it occured to Bree that while she might not have the key to Katherine's recipe, she did have the key to Katherine's house."

Mary Alice Closing: "There is nothing more decaptive than a smile. And no one knows this better than the people who hide behind them. Some flash their teeth as a polite warning to their enemies. Some put on beaming faces to keep their tears from falling. Others wear silly grins to mask their fear. But then there is that rare smile that is actually genuine. It's the smile of a person who knows his troubles will soon be over."

Mary Alice Opening: "The odd-looking boxes were delivered to the home of Bob Hunter and Lee McDermott early on a Tuesday morning. It wasn't long before workmen had opened them and begun assembling the various parts and pieces. Happily, it only took three hours to turn the contents into a finished work of art. Sadly, it only took 15 minutes for the residents of Wisteria Lane to become art critics. ... Yes, art came to Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday morning. And by Tuesday afternoon war had come as well."

Mary Alice: "As word of the sculpture spread, Bob and Lee began to wonder if any of their neighbors would be supportive. But when the sculpture's true function was unveiled the next day, whatever support they did have was quickly washed away."

Mary Alice Closing: "It's the same for all of us. We try not to get too close to the people who live next door. It's easier to give them a polite nod than to ask what's wrong. It's safer to keep walking by than to get involved. True, we sometimes do get to know the people we share a fence with, and end up lifelong friends. But mostly, we keep our distance. Because we'd rather our neighbors know nothing about us than know too much."

Danielle to Bree: “A baby is God’s most precious gift. I will not have mine raised by a cold emotionally unavailable woman like you.”

Bree to Orson hinting at her former mother-in-law Phyllis: “Emotionally unavailable. – Gosh, I wonder where she picked up that little phrase.”

Danielle to Bree: “You're always mean to me just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you’re not gonna emasculate me.”

Lynette Scavo: This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!

Gabrielle: "I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that."

Edie: "Why are you talking like that?"

Gabrielle: "Well, I thought just in case we..."

Edie: "Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come."

Gabrielle: "Do you really hate me?"

Edie: "Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you."

(Gabrielle and Edie hear a bang and hug each other tightly)

Gabrielle: "Well, I'm still sorry, though."

Edie (calmly and gently): "I said shut the hell up."

Carlos: "Do you mind if I say something?"

Victor: "Please."

Carlos: "Gaby and I never planned to get back together, Victor. We tried to keep away from each other. We really did. And...I don't know, it's like we're two halves of the same person or something. And when we're apart, we...we just aren't happy, which is why we... We never set out to hurt you, Victor. And I'm sorry we did."

Milton: "You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve: nothing."

Gabrielle: "OK. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.". :Milton: "Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being family. Everything is in my name. Always was. The service is starting. And it's time for you to go.".

Gabrielle: "Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral!"

Milton: "I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances."

Gabrielle: "Go to hell.".

Milton: "I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this funeral when I reach the public, I am going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying whore. You see? I told you it was going to be an emotional day.". Katherine: "What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room".

Adam: "I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go. I'm not leaving before you want me to, I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you". Katherine: "Oh, is that how we're gonna play this? Fine, whatever, you're leaving me". Adam: "I am, and here's why. You blamed what happened on your ex-husband, and I believed you. You told me it was all his fault, and then I find out it was yours. We are about even in the betrayal department now. In fact, I think you win". Lynette: "Damnnit, Karen, I'm running out of Ida!

Gabrielle (to Ellie): "Here's the thing. I thought you were a hooker, so I had Lee proposition you so I could catch you in the act. But guess what? You passed the test! Everybody inside for margaritas!"

Ellie Leonard: Hi, I'm Ellie. I understand you've got a room to rent.

Gabrielle: Yeah, come on in.

Carlos: [to Gaby about Ellie] So we have two tramps living in our house.

Gabrielle: [to Carlos about Ellie] Okay, there may be two tramps in this house, but only one of them is getting paid.

Gabrielle: [about Ellie] There have been men coming out of her room at all hours of the night. And I saw her counting a wad of cash.

Edie: Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.

Bree: Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers.

Katherine (telling her story to Bree and Wayne)- "After you left a months pass I conviced myself you forgot about us, I was wrong"

1996 Katherine to Mary Alice- "How was Dylan did she behave herself"?

1996 Mary Alice-"She was an angel I hope I did not do something wrong"

1996 Katherine-"What do you mean"?

1996 Mary Alice- "Well your ex husband was here early, but I did not know that was him until Dylan called him daddy" 1996 Mary Alice - 'I'm sorry I should call you, but she was so exicted He brought her an doll and bike"

1996 Mary Alice after Katherine and Aunt Lily run in to the- Katherine what going on?!

Katherine (voice over) -"I was going to run again, but you did not give me enought time". Lillian Simms- "Wanye just drove up should we call the police"

Kathrine (camly)- "No let him in"

Kathrine (voiceover)- "I knew it was time to face you and let you know you were not welcome in my home nethier were your gifts" Wayne Davis- "You Know much I much money I spend looking for you"

Katheine: in a sarcastic mood- "I'm sure you has enough to buy liquor by the caseload"

Wanye Davis-"Wow look who gotten sassier while she been away I think I think I like it"

Katherine- "What do you want Wanye"?

Wanye Davis-"I want my daughter back"

Katherine- "Why? So you lazed in your old age. Need sombody smaller to pounce on. Well now she gotten older and sassier. I'm sure you find all sources of reasons to hit her"

Wanye Davis- "I don't to have to ask you know I can go up if I want"

Katheine- "SHE IS ASLEEP GET THE HELL OUT"!

Wanye Davis-"I'M HER FATHER"!

Katherine: picks up an candlestick and hits him-"NO!"

Wanye Davis- "I'm bleeding"

Katherine: Sarcastic and with Hate in her voice- "Profusely, you should go see a doctor"

Wanye Davis- "I will be back for my daughter."

Katherine: camly and sternly to her ex husband- "Just understand this there is nothing I will not do to keep you away from her. Nothing"

Lillian Simms- "Are you alright I heard an crash?"

Katherine- "Yeah, I hit him with the candlestick. He went down pretty hard"

Lillian Simms- "You know now to break out the 10 year stoch I have been saving"

Katherine (voiceover)- "I honestly though it was finally over.I did not know how I could been so wrong"

Lillian Simms: screams and wake up Katherine- "KATHERINE! I came in to giver her an another blanket. Her hand is ice cold"

(Katherine sees her daughter lifeless hand and screams)

Kathrine (voiceover)- "Aunt Lily told me I could not go the police the police. She said you would make it seem I killed Dylan to keep you from taking her So I let her bury my baby in the woods. I knew I would have to run away again, but I also knew you would never stop looking for me. So I came with an plan I found an girl in a Romanian orphanage just like Dylan.The resemblance was uncanny. Her mother had die in childbirth and her father had been murder. As I look into those big blue eyes she need me much as I need her".

Katherine(picking the carpent and touching the scar) - "I never told anybody that before. I lied to Adam and told it was your fault and that were I spend the last 12 years. Just telling one lie after an another"

Edie Britt: Mrs. McCluskey, you're still alive! Karen McCluskey: It's nice to see you too, Edie. How long has it been? Five years?

Edie Britt: This is my husband, Dave Williams.

Karen McCluskey: [to Dave] So, how did you two meet? You run a free clinic or something?

Dave: I'm sorry, who are you?

Karen McCluskey: Karen McCluskey, Edie's best friend on the street.

Mary Alice Young: [voice-over] It goes by so quickly. In a flash, the life we knew is gone forever and we're left to ask ourselves: How could he have left me? When did my beauty start to fade? Why has my friend changed? Was I the best mother I could have been? Of course, there are some people who understand how quickly time passes. That's why they're so determined to get what they want... before it's too late.

Mary Alice Young: [voice-over] It will happen to all of us eventually. The moment will come when we ask ourselves: Where did the time go? How did the children I once cradled grow up so very quickly? How did the life I dreamt of turn into a career I never expected? And how did that woman I saw each day in the mirror become someone I don't even recognize?

[Porter finds out he's been flirting with his mother online, when she signs a 'Dear John' letter to him 'Love Mom'] [He comes down to where she is at her computer, he has a very sad and betrayed look on his face, and he places a book of poetry in front of her and walks away, leaving her looking ashamed] Lynette Scavo: [Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you? [he ignores her] Lynette Scavo: OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not trying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we where talking again and you where telling me things. Porter Scavo: [Mad at her] I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her. Lynette Scavo: [Porter looks sad] Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations and I'm going to miss them. [She walks off] Porter Scavo: [Whispers] Me too.

[Porter is listening to music on his headphones, when Lynette walks into his room, he removes them] Lynette Scavo: Hey, got a sec? Porter Scavo: Not really. Lynette Scavo: So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado? Porter Scavo: I guess. Lynette Scavo: Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'?

Porter Scavo: He's not my friend.

[implying that he doesn't associate with people who sell drugs] Lynette Scavo: What are you talking about, you where on the same little league team?

Porter Scavo: Yeah, a million years ago, anything else?

Lynette Scavo: No, not really.Tom Scavo: [Lynette is sitting at her computer] What're you doing?

[ DanielleTo Bree about Benjamin] You gave him meat and told him to lie?!!

Gabrielle Solis: Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age? Susan Meyer: Gaby, Juanita is fat for your age.

Gabrielle Solis: Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down. Susan Meyer: Well, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass. Gabrielle Solis: Today doesn't count. Today I was mad. Susan Meyer: Maybe you need to get mad more often.

Gabrielle Solis: [to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the radiator's shot. Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jar. Gabrielle Solis: What jar? Andrew Van De Kamp: It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possible. Gabrielle Solis: I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun!

Gabrielle Solis: [to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you? Susan Meyer: I brought booze. Gabrielle Solis: Come on in.

Dave Williams: [to Lynette] You know what a midlife crisis is?

Lynette Scavo: I'm married to a 45 year old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know.

Karen McCluskey: You planned this whole thing. The party... breaking into my house... my reaction. You're trying to get rid of me. Dave Williams: Yes... and I'm sorry it had to be you. Karen McCluskey: 'Cause I know you're up to something. Something awful. Dave Williams: You don't know what "awful" is. Well... you take care of yourself Karen. I mean that.

Carlos Solis: Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you? Gabrielle Solis: First time you saw me on the runway. Carlos Solis: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. [chuckles] Carlos Solis: Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street. Gabrielle Solis: Mmm. I remember that place. Carlos Solis: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and [chuckles] Carlos Solis: you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now *that* is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks. Gabrielle Solis: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever? Carlos Solis: No. When? Gabrielle Solis: About two seconds ago. [kisses Carlos] Gabrielle Solis: Up until then, it was pretty touch and go. Susan Mayer: [spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.

Lynette Scavo: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.

ParkerScavo:Wow!

Preston Scavo: Is he gonna be okay?

Lynette Scavo: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me? [all nod]

Tom Scavo: Hey guys, good, you're all here.

Penny Scavo: I love you daddy!

Lynette Scavo: Not yet.

Tom Scavo: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.

Lynette Scavo: Just know that we're 100% behind you.

Tom Scavo: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!

Lynette Scavo: Tom, what the hell are you talking about?

Tom Scavo: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.

Parker Scavo: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.

Tom Scavo: Come on, we'll love working together,

Porter Scavo: Why? We don't even like living together.

Preston Scavo: You're not even going to pay us?

Penny Scavo: I'm nine, is that even legal?

Tom Scavo: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!

Parker Scavo: Mom, please do something" Tom: Your said that you were behind me 100 %.

Lynette: Really ? That does not sound like me" Porter: Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and Dad old and feeble...

Lynette: You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find. Yeah, I got it.

[the twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in] Lynette Scavo: What's going on here?

Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school.

Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.

Tom Scavo: Fine, don't wear the apron.

Porter Scavo: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here. [Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up]

Edie Britt: [Last Lines] As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things that seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life, a life that really was one-of-a-kind. I'll tell you something, it's not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived

[Tom gets into college] Parker Scavo: I can help you study if you want. Tom Scavo: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese. Preston Scavo: I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin. Lynette Scavo: I'm so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father.

Porter Scavo: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

[Gaby wonders how Ana got the house clean so fast and then the Scavo twins come down the stairs]

Porter Scavo: We finished upstairs Ana!

Preston Scavo: Anything else you need done?

Ana Solis: They wanted to hang out but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me. Aren't they sweet!

Parker Scavo: [Comes in with a brush and cleaning gloves] Hey, um, I'm not bragging, and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet.

Gabrielle Solis: Ok boys thanks for your hard work but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower. Preferably a cold one.

Mike Delfino: [to Susan when he comes home to discover that she wants to have sex with him for the 4th time that day] Oh, God... Susan, I can't. I got nothin' left! I hit my hand with a wrench today, and when I cried, only dust came out!

Susan Mayer: Oh don't cry, why you crying? Strippers are supposed to be tough. Robin Gallagher: Stop calling me that. Yes, I was a stripper. But you know what? You were the only person who never treated me like one, until now. Susan Mayer: Oh. Robin Gallagher: And I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with Mike. You know I guess after working nine years in the club I just don't know where the line is anymore

Grace- "I've never had such a pretty costume before,You're the best mum ever."

Bree: explaining to Keith she not perfect.- "Nine years ago my son found me face down, drunk,He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you're dating the biggest lush in Fairview?"

Bree to Keith -"Do you think you can dealing with a control freak with a drinking problem?"

Carlos- "We have to protect our daughter,"

Gaby-"They're both our daughters."

Tom-"There's nothing wrong with my mother, So just drop it."

Susan-"Oh, and enjoy those raisin muffins. I hope they're all raisins - my apartment has rats."

Mary Alice: (opening scene about Lynette) Lynette Scavo had lost a lot of sleep over the years. There had been 3 AM feedings... temperatures of 102... and late night pillow fights. But Lynette had never complained, because a mother is always on call.

Lynette: (while speaking to Mrs. Mcluskey) The whole point of this was to get them to grow up and take care of themselves; they just moved from my boob to yours!

Karen: I don't care what gets Roy's fire going, as long as I'm the one who puts it out.

Sister Marta: You had a big imagination, most likely from all those trashy books and magazines you used to bring into class.