“We had numerous calls to our emergency number stating that a woman could be heard screaming with a man yelling, ‘I’m going to kill you, die, die,’ with what sounded like furniture being overturned and or a hitting sound,” said police spokesperson Dean Lindley, discussing the incident in the Sydney suburb of Wollstonecraft.

What’d they find upon arriving to the potentially bloody scene? Just a 32-year-old man reluctant to admit it was only him—no wife or girlfriend present—and a spider that he sheepishly admitted he was trying to kill. Lindley added, “It quickly turned to embarrassment when he realized he would have to admit to the screaming like a girl thing.”

Whatever, “embarrassment.” That spider was likely the size of a crocodile and twice as mean. In Australia, spider is probably slang for anything under a certain height. That country’s like the Hunger Games of spiders, snakes, and insects. If a creature only shoots flames out of its back instead of poison too, technically it’s a cat. The guy probably had trouble killing that insane spider because he misplaced his bazooka. Do you, Australian man.