Grateful?

Every so often a post or podcast appears along the lines of “Why I’m grateful for my IBD” and every time I see those words I wince a little. Am I swimming against the tide? Am I the odd one out here? There is not one aspect of this disease (or its EIMs) for which I have any sense of gratitude. I’m not doubting those who are “grateful”. I can understand that, just like IBD itself, there are many “flavours” of coping mechanism and if it works for them then fine.

I’m not denying that I have met some fantastic people from the IBD Community, both online and in person, but then I’ve also done the same through work and hobbies….and I haven’t needed IBD to give my life direction, focus or convince myself I have staying power.

Having said I’m not at all grateful I quickly need to counter that by saying neither am I resentful or regretful. The worse thing I could do is get into an “if only” mindset ie. “if only I didn’t have IBD I could have….”. I have thought long and hard about this subject and made my peace. I can’t think of many things worse for one’s health/mental health than living a life of regrets.

Have I always taken this attitude? The honest answer is “I don’t know. I can’t remember“. My medical memory was reset around 2009 and before that I can recall very little. I have now managed to fill in the physical events with the help of a medical records, photo library and my wife’s amazing memory for dates. I cannot do the same for my emotions or feelings apart from knowing I was sh*t scared of going under the knife but I don’t think I had any bitterness at having Crohn’s.

When surgery became inevitable in 2009 my emotions could have gone in one of two directions. I would have understood if i had become very anxious, given my attitude to surgery, but instead I went into a very relaxed, laid back mode. I’ve manage to maintain it ever since. Clearly a prolonged period of remission has helped but a couple of serious EIMs could have derailed it.

IBD has certainly taught me a lot both about the disease itself and ways of living a relatively normal life despite of the everyday issues that it raises….but “grateful”? Definitely not.