The genres and sub-genres and underground sub-dark-post-genres of dance music, frankly, can be confusing. So who better than Hervé, also known as The Count, Speaker Junk and Action Man, to clear it all up? "I try to make up one new form of dance music a week," he explains. "I write their names on a chalkboard at home."

Moombahton

"It's kind of a micro trend – it's like a micro scene. It started with this guy called Dave Nada. He slowed down a Dutch house record and combined it with reggaeton drum beats. The extreme end of it might make you have a bit of a panic. If it was going to be played in a telly show, it wouldn't be Skins. Not Luther either. Maybe a breakout in a laboratory? The labs where they keep the monkeys? Or Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. I've never heard people called moombahtonistas, but we could invent that right now – moombahtonistas. Like fashionistas."

Future garage

"With moombahton, you can say to someone: you make moombahton. And they'd say yes. But with future garage, people would say, don't you dare say I make future garage. This isn't DJ Luck and MC Neat anymore. We've moved away from 2-step. Well, actually, a lot of it can actually not sound very 'future'. It can sound just like garage from before. The thing with future garage is that it's supposedly evolving – it's using [influences] from the past and bits from the future. I mean, saying 'future' is over-egging the pudding. To the casual listener it probably sounds like 2-step or UK or US garage. So to sum it up, future garage isn't very futuristic."

Post-dubstep

"Dubstep's kind of getting into pop now so this is a new form of it. Jamie xx – he's somewhere between where people categorise post-dubstep and future garage. He'll probably hate me saying that.The only dubstep thing I know that Britney did was a middle eight on that single [Hold It Against Me]. A token head nod to dubstep, but it wasn't really dubstep was it? Maybe she'll do post-dubstep on the next album. I'd imagine anyone who does post-dubstep would love Britney to come down and they could twist her a cappellas and put them on a record."

Nu-disco

"It's newer than John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever but not as future as future garage is supposed to be. It's inbetween. There was future disco – this whole thing has been done before. So nu-disco is actually kind of nu-new-disco. Although, now it's kind of disco but not 100% disco. It does overlap with a bit of new Balearica. There's a bit of psychedelia thrown in there too. It's complicated. I don't think Lady Gaga will do it. Her stuff is more hi-NRG than just disco. Maybe Kylie Minogue would do it, or Robyn."

Nu-jungle

"My album Machines Don't Care Volume Two is kind of nu-jungle. I didn't intend to make up a new genre, that's just what I call it. It's kind of jungle and drum'n'bass-influenced music, which would go with dubstep. So nu-jungle is ravey and hardcore, and it's got Baltimore influences. To simplify, if there had to be an animal in the video for a nu-jungle song, it would be a pack of otters."

As told to Issy Sampson. The Count & Sinden's Mega Mega Remix album is out now; Hervé presents Deep Thrills Volume 1 is out 5 September