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Friday, July 29, 2011

I began sharing about my little Dance Parties in August, last year.
After I'd lost 100 pounds.
After the 18 months it took to lose those pounds
and
after keeping off those 100 pounds for almost six months.
Almost an entire year ago.
It has been almost 36 months (three years!) since this ALL started
and almost 12 months since I started talking about it.

I can't tell you just how difficult it was for me to open up
and start talking.
You'd think I would have been
thrilled
excited
blabbering
chomping at the bit
fit to be tied
shouting at the top of my lungs
about losing 100 pounds.
But. I. Wasn't.

I mean, I was thrilled and proud.
I was amazed by my accomplishment
Quite in love with my new self
and over the moon about how my body had changed.

But,
there was still something about it
I wanted to keep hidden
private,
within,
just mine.

Honestly,
it was the shame.
I was still burdened by the shame.
The shame of where I had been.
What I had become.
How far I had let myself go beforeLeading up to the weight loss.

You see, through the beauty of social media (aka Facebook),
I had reunited, remembered, reconnected with and reminisced
with literally hundreds of high school and college friends
who
didn't know
hadn't seen
had no idea
who I was now....
how I looked

And it's not that it mattered to them
it's not that it would have made a difference
it's not that they would have commented to me
or thought bad things
or made me feel big, or fat or ugly.
It's just that I didn't want them to remember me any way other than
before.
Who I was before.
When I was regular sized.
When I was light-hearted
and fun.
When I was depression-free
Out there, and open.
Before I hid.
Before I made excuses
Before I had lost ME under the layers of life.

Ironically, it was that same
beautiful
voyeuristic
easy-access
connect-with-everyone-you've-ever-met
social media (aka Facebook)
that gave me the nudge, support, strength and
UMPH
to re-charge, change, re-engage, re-connect and begin living again.

It was rememberingreflectingre-living
Me Moments
Friend Moments
College Days
High School Classes
Proms
Drama
Dates
Happiness
Music
Awkwardness
Accomplishments
and the people who knew me
counted me as a friend
remembered my quirks
watched me grow up
grew up with me
faced life beside me
walked through life, puberty, graduation, boyfriends, break-ups
and
everything else
Who reminded me
of me
again.

I looked at my friends,
and it was as though
they were holding up a mirror in front of me
saying,This is you.THIS memory of you, is still you.These year book imagesThese faded photosThese talesThese first impressionsThese clubs, dorms, activities, organizations, classes we shared...they are where I have memories of you, Becky.You are WHO I remember.This is how I see you now.This is who you are to me.

And when I connected with
remembered
reflected
and reminisced....
I wanted to go back.
ALL of me,
wanted to go back.

Not to 15
or 18
or 21
or 25
(I really have no interest in going backward in time.
I love where I am in my life.
I love it)
But,
I wanted to go back
to get back
to ME.
I wanted to get ME back.

So, I started from the inside
Then I went to work on the outside.
I went back in my mind and my heart.
Went back to the purest times in my life,
when I was becoming
ME
and I set out to regain those parts again.
And
I did it.

So,
YOU, old friend, are more a part of this journey than you have realized.
YOU, who are still with me, reading this blog
(or not reading it.....living completely unaware of your power and influence)
YOU are a part of my journey.

Though I was afraid, at first
to show you how I had changed
to reveal how I had in form become someone else,
it was YOU....
It was YOU who helped me change again...back to my former self.
It was YOU who helped me get inside my head and my heart
and grow back into who I really wanted to be.

So
Thank you.
Thank you for remembering me.
Reminding me.
And showing up, in your own
unaware
impacting way,
for this Dance Party for One.

Call an old friend today.
Remember the old days.
Remind yourself of your greatest memories
your funnest times
your most meaningful moments
Reflect
and remember yourself.
and go back.
Get your SELF back again.
From the inside, out.

PLEASE

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