This coming season sees the beginning of a new chapter in football history, a clash of titans, a battle of the ages, and even more hyperbole. Yes, this summer heralds the start of Rodgers versus Gerrard, and never mind all that 'Old Firm' shite. I present to you the Tale Of The Tape:

The war of words between the two former colleagues started a while ago, with Stevie G miraculously sounding more big-headed and bolshy than Brendan could even dream of, while Celtic's king of bling has opted for the 'You're in for a bloody big shock, you cheeky bastid. By the feckin' way, my missus Semolina left me after The Demba Disaster...' approach:

Steven Gerrard said:

"Celtic have had it their own way for too long, but I'm here now. So Brendan may as well f*ck off and Celtic pack it in and sell their ground. For I, Steven Amadeus Gerrard, guarantee success, and I have the VHS to prove it."

Click to expand...

Brendan Rodgers said:

"I'll always be thankful for the opportunity to work with Stevie. He's a supernova of a carbon-based lifeform. The swimming pool I ordered before the Liverpool/Chelsea match, complete with mosaic from Pompeii, has gone back to Argos - in fact, they repossessed it after fulltime - so I can truly say that bygones are bygones and that Stevie's unfortunate slip could've happened to anyone named Steven Amadeus Gerrard. But now it's personal - he's lobbed himself into the steaming cauldron of football named Scotland, and wants to rule the world...of Scotland. But this is my turf, so he'll have his work cut out...the title-losing twat."

Click to expand...

It promises to be a melodramatic season of Gerrard hilariously trying to appear important by posing on the touchline while wearing a club tie that makes him look like he works for Tesco, as Brendan glares at him like Emperor Ming scrutinising his bank charges. I'll keep you all posted about intergalactic Derby clashes, their laughable soundbites etc etc because I have too much time on my hands, have no life, am punching above my weight & other Cafisms.

This coming season sees the beginning of a new chapter in football history, a clash of titans, a battle of the ages, and even more hyperbole. Yes, this summer heralds the start of Rodgers versus Gerrard, and never mind all that 'Old Firm' shite. I present to you the Tale Of The Tape:

The war of words between the two former colleagues started a while ago, with Stevie G miraculously sounding more big-headed and bolshy than Brendan could even dream of, while Celtic's king of bling has opted for the 'You're in for a bloody big shock, you cheeky bastid. By the feckin' way, my missus Semolina left me after The Demba Disaster...' approach:

It promises to be a melodramatic season of Gerrard hilariously trying to appear important by posing on the touchline while wearing a club tie that makes him look like he works for Tesco, as Brendan glares at him like Emperor Ming scrutinising his bank charges. I'll keep you all posted about intergalactic Derby clashes, their laughable soundbites etc etc because I have too much time on my hands, have no life, am punching above my weight & other Cafisms.

Brendan Rodgers has taken at least all of the credit for Jordan Henderson’s development.

Henderson has won over many of his critics both for Liverpool and England over the past couple of seasons.

The Celtic manager says he persuaded the midfielder to stay in 2015 by anointing him the club’s new leader.

“There was a lot of interest in Jordan so I invited him around and chatted. I said to him, ‘Jordan, you are going to be the next captain of Liverpool’,” Rodgers told the Daily Telegraph. "And that was it from there."

Rangers title ambitions were dealt a blow following a 1-1 draw against Aberdeen. Bruce Anderson's goal in Fergie time for Aberdeen has left Rangers an entire two points behind Celtic. At his address to the journalists, Steven Amadeus Gerrard went against stereotype and blamed the referee and stated that the 'the world was against Rangers'

Steven Gerrard said:

It's not just today, it's been happening for a while.

'It's been happening for a good while. I believe it's been happening for seasons. That's my opinion, just my opinion.

'I've watched footage, yeah. Look, I don't think we ever get anything to go for us. Everything we have seen today is about Rangers So someone should give me answers on that.

'Someone should give me the answers because if there's anyone in his room thinks nothing should have happened after our penalty.'

Alex Jones Steven Gerrard did not provide examples a la Rafa Benitez's 'fact' rant, but he is not the first Rangers manager to question the 'quality' of Scottish referees. Pedro Caixinha complied an encyclopedia of refereeing decisions against Rangers (which is now used as a doorstop in Gerrard's office), Alex McLeish believed Celtic (through their 3rd choice goalkeeper Dmitri Kharine) colluded with Russia to influence the referee and interfere in the 2000/01 season (which saw Celtic win the treble).
Bren of Heaven

As Steven Gerrard bemoaned the injustices of the cruel SPL, Brendan Rodgers saw his side overcome Livingston 3-1. The game was over as a contest after Celtic scored within 8 minutes. Rodgers (aiming for a 15th league title in the row) was surprised by his young apprentice's comments.

Brendan Rodgers said:

I am surprised by Steven Gerrard. It is not in his character or his DNA to blame others, especially the referees. The Scottish referees are some of world's best referees I've seen, second only to the English referees.

McBrendan moans about Celtic's lack of transfer activity, in a very McBrendan style:

Scottish Sun said:

"If you open your door to players, and they have an opportunity to go through that door, and have a look and see there are other good clubs with facilities equal to what is here, then you risk the chance of them not coming back through the door."

"I was going to phone other bosses for advice, starting with Sir Alex Ferguson. But then I realised that 'SAF' was a subtle anagram of 'SFA' so I knew he'd deceive me. Wake up, sheeple. Meanwhile, the anti-Liverpool conspiracy in the media still exists - 149,000 ex-LFC pundits can't be wrong - just look how the press ignored Carra's noble firefighting efforts and nearly got him sacked from Sky. So I guess I'm on my own, and will have to achieve amazing things all by myself without getting any credit. My quest shall be relentless..."

Click to expand...

Brendan Rodgers said:

"He's even passing off my famous quotes as his own now. Next he'll be moving in with my fiancé Nutella. "

"I've received some fanmail from myself, asking if I could don my trusty old Gola boots and help out my magnificent players, players who have given me everything including angina and rickets. Sadly, their heroic efforts have handed the title to Celtic after one match of the season - a two-point lead is unassailable, according to my mathematics. We already need snookers. So it is with a heavy heart that I will grace the beautiful game once more, and so lead us to ultimate glory. You wouldn't get that from any other managers, especially ones who couldn't play football & who happen to be named Brendan Rodgers. I've also shagged his fiancé Sequin."

STEVEN GERRARD has told Alfredo Morelos to channel his ‘fighting spirit’ – just like he did.

The Rangers striker was shown a red card for kicking out at Scott McKenna in Sunday’sdraw with FC Angel Delight.

Interviewed on Britain's Deadliest Managers in order to promote new short film Gone in 38 Seconds, Gerrard said: “He’s very young and I’ve been there myself when you have to channel that fighting spirit in the right way. "

"You can't send me off - I'm Steven Amadeus Gerrard!"

THE CURSE OF GERRARD
Meanwhile, the former Community Shield winner rubbished any notions of the 'Curse of Gerrard', after rival boss Brendan Rodgers used his press conference on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to sow doubts about Gerrard's prospects of success.

"Look at the fachts," Rodgers said while clutching a large sheet of paper, "Liverpool FC - no PL title since Stevie was born; Houllier and Benitez - failed; Hodgson - working in a lap dance club; Phil Collins - now supporting Adam and the Ants, with Roy Evans on bass. All these people saw their fortunes nosedive after association with Amadeus Gerrard. And Rangers are what we in the football industry call 'shit' and he's not a magician like the Great Gatsby. But he's already under massive pressure so I don't want to unsettle him and I hope he laughs maniacally at this whole 'Curse' business."

The Rodgers Revolution at Celtic will continue! Suggestions that Rodgers would quit Celtic were quashed by the man himself.

Brendan Rodgers said:

The surest way to hurt yourself is to give up on love. Quit is such a dirty word, and frankly I don't care for dirt. I love my life here in Celtic. I love Del Amitri, I love Scotland, I love myself and life. All I want is for us to improve every aspect of the club. It breaks my heart, my soul, my everything when I read lies and slander about me walking away. I never walk away. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. Creedence Clearwater Revival once asked have you ever seen the rain? Well, against Hearts we unfortunately did. But I want Celtic to walk out of the rain and into the sun.

Click to expand...

A Rangers fan by the name of Mr S DarreG, believes that Brendan Rodgers is under pressure

Mr S DarreG said:

"Rodgers is under pressure, la. We, Rangers are above Celtic in the league. Celtic run the SPL, la. And isn't that Steven Gerrard doing great at Rangers. His football is amazing, and the man himself is a fecking glorious combo of Kenny Dalgelish, Walter Smith and Amadeus. I get Celtic fans telling me "oh Mr S DarreG, that Steven Gerrard is what we need in the SPL, he going to win the fecking treble and knock McBrendan off his fecking perch."

It's been a crap week for Brendan Rodders and his band of Celtic brothers: first, a defeat to Hearts, and now losing to FC Kardashian in the Champions League Paint Trophy. Brendan responded on his latest trip from the stars to adversity as only Brendan can...with nonsense:
"I always say you shouldn’t have to lose to learn. But when you do lose you have to learn." This week's fiancë has reportedly packed her Hermes bags.

Over at the Rangers Theme Park and Petting Zoo, Amadeus Gerrard plans to unveil himself as Rangers manager for the second time in celebration of being higher than Brendan/Celtic in the league table. The weekend's stunning victory over one-man Lego Athletic was achieved despite the handicap of Gerrard's inflating head gradually blocking out the sun. His team take on Space Raiders Town this Saturday, followed by bingo and laps of honour.

It's the first of 793 Old Firm derbies of the season today, so let's hear from household names Brendan Domestos & Fairy Liquid Gerrard:

The Scottish Sun said:

Rodgers’ relationship with Gerrard has been scrutinised for long enough.

They have both gone on record saying nice enough things about one another. But equally there’s been suggestions of a rift.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but Rodgers did buy Gerrard’s house off him when his former captain moved to Los Angeles. Rodgers added: “I’ve got Jurgen Klopp in it at the minute. He’s renting it from me. I still own it. He’s a good tenant".

Click to expand...

"When you cross the line, you want to win. There’s no question about that. Gerrard was an iconic player at Liverpool. I came in at 39 towards the beginning of my managerial career, and Stevie was towards the end of his time as a player there.

“But he was brilliant for me at Anfield. So there’s no problem.”

On the suggestion they don’t now see eye to eye, Rodgers said: “I’m not sure where it comes from, to be honest.

“I think people would like to go down that route. It’s certainly nothing I’m aware of.

“Of course, it’s never easy whenever you leave your club and move on. But that’s football.”

For those who’d like to believe there’s any ill-feeling, Rodgers revealed he sent Gerrard a text congratulating him on taking Gers into the Europa League.
He added: “No matter how close or not anyone is in the jobs, they are so busy. It’s just that you are focusing on your own job.

“The little bit of spare time you have off you are with your family, so you don’t get much time to talk.

“I look forward to catching up with Steven. I sent him a message after they qualified.

Click to expand...

Much has been made about the Gerrard and Rodgers relationship, but the pair congratulated each other by text after reaching the Europa League group stages.

Gerrard said: “It’s fine, there’s no problem. Everybody wants there to be a problem. They want a UFC match on the side.

“But we were in contact on Thursday night after the results. Everything is fine".

LAnakin Slipwalker vs Obi Bren KenobiNow I, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Ooh yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now

In a game billed as 'Apprentice v Master', it was the Master (McMaster Brendan MacRodgers) who came out on top with a 1-0 hammering.
For Rangers the 'how am I doing boss' memes will have to be shelved for the next Old Firm game, as Steven Gerrard FC suffered their his first defeat in 13 games, as Celtic won their 50th Old Firm derby in a row. It was a bittersweet defeat for Stevie MacMe, bitter because they lost, sweet because they weren't hammered.

After the game, Gerrard rebuked a journalist for questioning his tactics with

Look, I have won more FA Community Shields and Champions Leagues as a player than the other 11 SPL managers together. Do you know what this is? (showing his middle finger), it is 1, 1-0, 1-0 today, but it is also the only defeat I have had as Rangers manager. I have conceded less goals in an Old Firm game, than my predecessors combined. Respect, Respect, 5 times, Respect.

Click to expand...

Obi Bren Kenobi

Brendan Rodgers said:

Well, it was a nice workout session for Celtic today. I'm disappointed that we didn't beat the feckers 5-0. Rangers just played long balls and parked the entire town of Rangers in the penalty area. I always tell my players that when it comes to Rangers, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Young Steven has a lot to learn as a manager. He needs to start winning, because you can't do well if you don't win. Look at Ronald/Frank De Boer he was gone after 4 games at Crystal Palace.