Friday, November 25, 2005

Readers take note, this isn't the Jolie cover issue, it's the Holiday Diet Tricks issue. Yes, I'm a week behind, but only because the Cacarel Promesse advertisement ("More than a fragrance, a promise...") disabled the left side of my brain for three days, or anyway that's how the doctor described it to me. And yes, the Diet Secrets cover story is every bit as evil as you've surely guessed; possibly worse. Among the industry secrets our favorite celebs share? Eat veggies. Drink water. Don't "overdo" pigs-in-a-blanket breakfasts. Wildly innovative, these stay-slim schemes. And while a double-check shoots down my claim that Us turns to Nicole Richie for healthy eating advice, they do accept tips from Courtney Cox, Lindsay Lohan, and Hilary Duff . But enough editorializing, let's get to the game.

(1) Jennifer Aniston. 10 images.Jen enjoys the final days of her exhaustingly dull reign, but braces herself for a tire iron assault from Jessica Simpson, just in time for the holidays. And thank Christ, really. As of about three weeks ago I'd run out of anything to say about Jen's Death Match domination that didn't involve comparison to Jess. If you've read Us recently, you've surely noticed that they don't have too much more to say either. My analysis has Jen dropping all the way off the charts before the end of December. Don't get me wrong, she'll be back with more inspirational talk show appearances that will bore me to airplane glue, but she won't take home the gold for at least another month.

(2) Mary-Kate Olsen. 6 images.An astonishing transformation from anorexic malnourishment to radiant, glamorous well-being scores MKO nothing short of a cover shot. Says one source of a recent Olsen sighting, "She filled out her clothes better and actually had some curves." But good luck figuring which pictures depict the too-skinny Mary-Kate, and which ones the just-right curvy one. Unless spray-tan and eye-liner can be ingested through Gelfling pores, I'm hard-pressed to identify any physical signs of dramatic recovery. But don't you worry, the article makes clear that Olsen's inner circle have Mary-Kay's back. Says an insider, "Her friends never skip meals around her."

(tie) Paris Hilton. 6 images.(tie) Lindsay Lohan. 6 images.For some reason, it doesn't strike Us as in poor taste to print fitness tips from LiLo. As for Paris, by all right she should own this tawdry rag (not to mention this tawdry blog [E me, P.]). Probably the highlight of the issue is a shot of Paris pushing a grocery cart overflowing with contents more commonly associated with the Spears-Federline estate. Yet in classic Hilton style, the ice cold indifference that peeks through her gradiant sunglasses leaves me utterly convinced that girlfriend hit the Smart & Final discount store just to be ironic.

(tie) Madonna. 6 images.Brand new album. That and talking shit on Paris. Any other week it'd take a public appearance with the implausibly adorable fruits of her loins for Ms. Ciccone to place.

I'd tell you that it was all about defense this week, but I'm really not sure what that means. Suffice it to say that with a four-way tie for second (at six shots, no less), there's a dearth of exciting also-rans. J.Simp rocked five, which ties her with Matt Lauer for sixth. Four pictures apiece may be credited to Jessica Alba, Courtney Cox, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Heidi Klum, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Lopez, and Mandy Moore. But none of this is really news. Probably the next issue won't add up to much either. But the week after that, it'll pretty much take an alien bursting splattery from Katie Holmes belly to keep Jessica Simpson from a cover story and Death Match victory.