June 25, 2009

Garage Pigeons have been walking all over my car this past week, leaving crusted white guano that has formed a milky-white Magic Shell-like coating over my vehicle’s paint. Anyway, before I got into my car this afternoon for my trip home, I noticed that the pigeon goo was particularly thick today and I wondered if my car was going to look like a giant pigeon-turd with four wheels driving down the road. Maybe it’s time for a carwash.

June 19, 2009

We have, in my office, what I term “nomadic office workers.” I’m sure you know the kinds of people that I’m talking about: they seem to have no desk and they wander throughout the halls, just as their cromagnon pocket-protector-wearing ancestors of yore did long ago on vast stretches of plains.

These nomads, if I may historically enlighten you, began forming tribes in corporate mail room caves in the Year of our Lord (A.D.) 40,000, Before Christ (B.C.). These early nomads spread quickly to such places as the Yao Ming Dynasty, which, as we all know, was a great dynasty of Chinese restaurants, including Pei Wei, P.F. Chang’s, and Chang’s All-You-Can-Eat Super Asian Buffet. Finally, with the invention of Europeans (patent pending), office nomads began stowing away on boats with names like Nano, Pinto Bean, and Santo Burrito, in order to sail to the “New World” in search of tea parties and office coffee pots. Upon their arrival in America, the office nomads were issued personalized coffee cups and began to spread to all corporate sectors; they now represent approximately twenty-five percent of corporate personnel.

Which brings us to the modern day and my office in particular. I’m not even really sure that some of our nomadic folks are actually employed in our office or if they are just tie-clip-wearing nomads that have found our halls and cubicle mazes to be particularly accommodating. But, rest assured, my office is full of these folks. No one has seen them actually do anything that can be construed as actual work; they just wander around, talking to people and drinking out of coffee mugs.

June 11, 2009

I always knew that the world record for the largest grouping of people dressed as Smurfs – that’s right: Smurfs – would one day be broken. Leave it to the Welsh (the same folks who have a regimental goat) to break the record by getting 2510 people to dress up as blue, prophylactic-hat-wearing Smurfs (here).