Steve: YES! I never doubted he was behind it all! Prepare to meet your maker, magnet-loving liar!

Zack: "Professor X informs you the last bomb is in an ancient, ruined city in the Chilean Andes. A great civilization rose here once, but this city was abandoned before Europeans came to the New World. At the very heart of a great stone Pyramid lies the fourth and last of the breeder bombs."

Steve: Landing the jet next to the pyramid and going inside to destroy Magneto once and for all.

Zack: Once inside the dim hallways of the Pyramid you are attacked by deformed, weak-powered mutants that you easily overcome. One flies, one is a giant, and one makes you hallucinate death images. All together you easily overcome them.

Steve: All I care about is stopping Magneto before he can do 9/11 on the USA with Taliban and Aussie pirates.

Zack: "The center of the pyramid is a cavernous room, lined with banks of winking computers and tell-tale lights. A huge console, shaped much like a steam organ, dominates the far end of the chamber. Laughing in front of the console is Magneto. Hanging unconscious from a harness above the console is another Magneto. Standing between the entrance and Magneto is the original Brotherhood of Evil Mutants: Blob, the Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver (in his green costume), and Toad. Mastermind lies crumpled to the floor near the wall, the victim of an earlier fight."

Steve: Magneto is using the machine to create duplicates of himself!

Zack: The last and largest of the breeder bombs is in the wall behind the console. The Evil Mutants and one of the Magnetos seem poised to attack you. How do you intend to fight them?

Steve: Easy. Storm is going to attack Magneto with a barrage of lightning bolts, Rogue is going to steal Scarlet Witches powers as erotically as possible, Colossus is going to turn into metal and throw Wolverine at the Blob and Wolverine is going to do spinning attack so he burrows through the Blob's chest. While that's happening Kitty Pride is going to phase inside the computer and fry its circuits to stop the duplicator machine and Nightcrawler is going to teleport next to Toad and shoot him with a Magnum bullet pistol.

Zack: What about Quicksilver?

Steve: I don't remember who that is so I'm going to take a raincheck on that one.

Zack: Magneto EXPLODES from the lightning bolts and you see that he is simply a robot. Rogue starts erotically stealing Scarlet Witch's powers, but there's nothing to steal since she is also a robot. Scarlet Witch blasts her with energy beams and badly injures her boobs. Colossus throws Wolverine and he does a spinning corkscrew through the the Blobdroid, Nightcrawler blasts the chips out of Robo-Toad's brains, and Quicksilver hits Colossus with electricity for no effect. Shadowcat disables the duplicator which never duplicated anything. All of the robots collapse to the ground with Magneto destroyed.

Steve: "Your plot is unraveled!" Wolverine is going to totally stab the other Magneto in the head.

Zack: Just as he's about to stab him in the head, Magneto wakes up and hurls Wolverine and Colossus around the room knocking everyone over. By the time you get up he has disappeared. You'd love to stay and look for him, but the Pyramid is collapsing!

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.