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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

so i haven't told him yet that i'm falling for him. not sure i should. complications suck to me.i have had a 3 day break from him. and i just thought that it would be good for me. but it made things worse. go figure.

i just want to stop thinking about him. focus on college. my writing. my music.hell, i'd read the paper but it won't do any good....

Monday, December 14, 2009

dani is fine now. don't know what all is going on but i'm not worrying about her any. much.mark is still retarded.and i'm so trying not to fall for Justin. that would just be wrong.in so many ways.but he's so funny and he's easy to talk to .and i trust him... so...

yeah anyways. registered for classes and i need to get my books and School ID... but still.i just don't want to have it get fucked up.

so yeah i'm up to date.i'm on twitter. and myspace. and facebook. lol.happy networking, lol.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

crappy weather i mean it. i hate michigan winters...i miss danielle like crazy. she and i are talking more though...nitia and i are both bored, as is nyccie. matt is supposed to come visit us tomorrow and maybe nitia can come with us as well.if he shows up around 7 tonite i'll feel bad cuz nyccie has a family thing.i still need to record my new song and finish writing the other one. amanda is unconscious. lol. she is supposed to convert something for me. i'm slowly freaking out about financial coverage for college. oh the joy.i'm now addicted to that song According To You by Orianthi... it's really good if you ask me.i feel the need to do my nails. lol. and my hair. which is ridiculous cuz i'm not going anywhere and i'm in my pajamas...we have internet now for as long as mom doesn't fuck up my credit. and home phone obviously... surprising isn't it?wbs.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

there was a fire this morning and it was pretty bad. my stomach is turning and it hurts like a MoFo.i can't wait til it gets warm again. whenever that'll be.lots of stress. lots of people not getting their ways...lots of things to love, right?

October 19th, 2009I've been sick for the past 4 days. Gah. Saw Tia saturday. That was fun. Almost spent the night but decided not to. and that was a good thing since i came down with a fever. i'd already had a cold and a sore throat. Plus i ended up extremely dizzy and shit. it's really bad. but luckily i have an appointment today. i'm gonna talk to doctor cox about it when i tell her about the mood stabilizers. i've decided to quit taking my birth control and zoloft. i don't see a point in taking the zoloft since it doesn't help me any. and why take BC when i don't have sex? god, if i do then he can use a fucking condom. oh yeah. i found the cough syrup and sore throat spray. also found my Horehound candies. or what's left of them. drank up all my water yesterday. and 2/3 of my coolaid. of the bottle, not a cup. felt the need to clarify. i'm so hungry. i haven't been eating lately. had like 3 peaches. well. of the slices. and a small bowl of blueberry oatmeal. i keep nearly choking on my phlegm. it's nasty. and i want to be healthy again. had hot cocoa. and broth. yep yep. if my sister doesn't shut up i'm going to kill her. she has nothing to complain about. not when i'm as sick as i am right now. but she is at least going to the dr's with me. yeah later.

October 16th, 2009So. I finally got a message from Marty. He does want me to call him, surprisingly. He's working now, can you believe it? He didn't say what he did, but still. It's a start. Heard from Nitia today. She liked the CD and we want to get together to re-record the music for myspace. I wrote a new song this morning that even Amanda can sing awesomely. She even likes it. It's punk rock and it's called Pretty Pretty Gritty. Cool, right? So I caught up online today. I applied for the Spring Semester of college. Keep your fingers crossed. I need to update my blog pretty bad. Anyways, i made a website today. It's for my videos so that other people can download them. If they want to. SO yeah. I can't wait to finish it. I should update my tripod. But that can wait... it's after midnight so I guess it's the 17th now. Still. Uilliam was so sweet today. He made/gave me a sandwich when he got home, got me soda when mom got home. Gave me a big glass so that i could take my pills and shit. Including a pain killer for my Sore Throat. I'm gonna talk to the doctor monday about seeing if she can give me a temporary prescription for it since we're broke. I also have a really bad cough. Gag. The low tonight is in the high 20s. kill me. it's too cold for this. I can't wait til halloween. Hopefully it will be warm that night. after all, i'm wearing a skirt and thin clothes. Red Riding Hood. Uilliam cuddled with me til I fell asleep. He didn't want me to feel bad. He can be so cute. I can't apply for my fafsa til after January... Which, is when my spring classes start. Keep your fingers crossed that I can get up there to talk to them and get my classes. Hopefully I can find a way to get them all online so that I don't need to worry about a nonexistent form of transportation... Or maybe I can get mom's plates and insurance with whatever's left over from my fafsa?? i can't believe i only just thought of that. Yeah. So... I haven't seen donnie and amber since Tuesday or so... This place is so boring. I wish there was something to do. I did 20 sit ups yesterday, consecutively, just for the hell of it. I was hoping for 25 but i'll live. I'm trying to make it a regular thing, exercise. But I keep sleeping away the hours. But I did go to and from the library today. Uploaded about a third of the videos i made. I woke up at 1 am today so it's not hard to believe that when i got home at 2 oclock i got on here and played Bookworm for a few hours. At around 5 I went upstairs and passed out. I wish I had a phone! Then I'd be able to talk to people more often. Like DANIELLE... though i did get 2 messages from her on Elfpack. I need to remember to check that more often. Or else I'll never make sense. Okay, time to do something else, I keep rambling today. Gah....

October 8th, 2009Hey there. Lacretia went back with gramma yesterday. I'm so not happy about that but at least I'll get her back when I get my own place. I just finished filling out my application for PS. I can't wait to hand it in. Maybe I'll be able to get one for Citgo and Shell, etc. I really need a job. The sooner I get one, the sooner I can move out. If Amanda gets one too, then we can get a place together. seperate rooms of course. and keeping it clean is a must. and she can bite it if she doesn't like me bringing my animal friends. i want a place in the country on the edge of town, you know? I saw Jeff today. This shrink guy actually has some common sense. I was shocked. He thinks I'm bipolar and we're going to see about treatment. Totally mental but still. Yay. I started my period this morning. that sucked. i am so dizzy lately that it's driving me crazy. mom is watching a movie and i'm listening to music. i plan on making another video or two. something to do tomorrow. (uploading to youtube, most definitely.) i miss nitia and danielle. it's crazy but i really want a girls' night out. music, dancing, and a little bit of vodka. maybe we can go karaoke at the bar sometime next week or something. i don't know. Danielle is still in tennessee of course, but i'm sure amber would like to come. hell, maybe invite sarah and latisha. saw them at the gas station today. with james. it was really weird. i got a hug from sarah before she left. then another one from tisha. which was odd since we barely know eachother. we were close in 3rd grade but after that... and james was even being nice to me. and we haven't ever liked eachother for as long as we've known eachother. and that's since kindergarten. But still it was nice. I got my flu shot today. I didn't even notice it. bro didn't go to school today. he wasn't feeling well. donnie was late getting mom but he did show up. apparently he didn't hear his alarm. not that i'm surprised. we can't get the tv to come in so i won't be watching Supernatural tonight. I wish we could get Fox in so that mandy and i could watch bones. Gah this is driving me nuts.October 10th, 2009I went with Amanda to her appointment. It was boring. Whatever. I'm bored today. I wish I wasn't addicted to caffeine. Or turkey sandwiches. I am so weird. I haven't talked to Nitia in a while. I haven't checked my email in over a week, either. And believe me, I know I need to. Goddess only knows what Savanna has gotten herself into by now. And not to mention myspace is probably totally in need of maintenance on my part. So that sucks. Well. Short but sweet. Later.October 13th, 2009Hey everyone. I have an appointment with the doctor on monday. So mom has to get me a ride for that. I'm currently finishing off my Vala/Dan video that will momentarily be done exporting and then we can watch it. Yay. Amanda is driving me nuts trying to get the computer away from me. I have to be up by 8 so I can't exactly let myself be idle. It's now 5:22 am. So I really can't go to bed. I plan on going to the bathroom in a second and doing my makeup at around 7-ish. Ugh. I am not the one to get Uilliam up today. I won't do it. I just did my nails and hair, I don't need him wrecking it cuz he's upset. Nope. Lalala. I'm bored. Later.October 13th, 2009Hey. Got home around 10 p.m. Took forever. We went and dropped off some applications. No big. I fell asleep in their car while they were at her parents'. Mandy and I are trying to get mom to rustle up something to eat cuz we're starving and i'm going to be sick if she doesn't. The movies came in from Netflix today. That was cool. Inkheart was great yesterday. Uilliam is mad at me. I don't blame him but he can be such a pain sometimes that i just snap. I love him anyways though so it's okay. well. later.

“Everywhere is nowhere.” -Seneca“She is beautiful, she’s unpredictable, damned irresistible, it’s impossible to hate her.”Miss Impossible by Poets Of The Fall…----October 2nd, 2009 I feel like I‘m falling apart. And there isn‘t any reason for it. If it weren‘t for my music, I don‘t know what I‘d do. My medication doesn’t seem to be working and I have an appointment coming up to see a shrink. Something I was hoping to never have to do again. Amber and Donnie are getting married November of next year. Mark and Danielle are also getting married in November next year. I’m a bridesmaid in both weddings. The whole thing is ridiculous. Amber lost her baby, so she feels like shit. And I don’t blame her. There’s a remote possibility that I could be PG but I doubt it. I’d like to be, but it’s really remote. If I was, the guy wouldn’t care anyways. Even though I totally fell for him, and that just sucks major. I can’t wait to get my flu shot. Though I don’t see the point since I think I’m coming down with it. Whatever. Good Night, it’s after midnight so yeah. October 2nd, 2009People drive me crazy. I got a letter from Grandma Sandy today. That was nice… I’m going to write her back soon. But first this. Since I’m not sure when I’ll be able to update it again. It’s almost 5 in the afternoon. Amanda is helping bro with his homework. Math is ugh. Even worse when it’s fractions. I was never good at fractions. Something I really wish I could overcome. I plan on doing so much. Now if only I could actually follow through on my plans. I would love to go to college. I’d love to become a writer and a singer. I need to help Nitia finish that book we’re writing. It’s really going to be good if we can get somebody to publish the damn thing. Maybe Amanda should help us. Because my ideas are running low, I don’t know how to refresh my creativity. Uilliam doesn’t want to listen to Amanda right now, I don’t think he’ll ever learn if he doesn’t begin to listen when we try to teach him stuff. Oh my god. He’s telling us how he watched music videos during class. No wonder his grades are already deteriorating. And I’m contributing by getting him the videos. Good lady. What is wrong with me? I feel like crap. I can’t wait until tomorrow. It’s heritage day and Donald is taking Amber, Mom, and I all out for Chinese. I’ve never had Chinese food and this is why they’re doing it. I can’t help but laugh when I remember their reaction to the knowledge that I’ve never had any. It was so funny. So cliché. My back hurts like crazy. I really should write that letter to Savanna. Just one more thing I need to do. Plus I need to read my book. Set up my clothes for tomorrow. Gah. So much to do. This keyboard sticks. It’s so annoying. I can’t wait to go to college. I hope I can. When I do, I will get a laptop so I can get online classes. A dell would be preferable. I need to wake up. I am so tired. I got plenty of sleep though and there’s no excuse for it. Just another issue I need to address I suppose. October 4th, 2009I’m listening to music. Mom is making dinner. And I’m not eating. It all seems gross. Chicken nuggets, Mac N Cheese, and French fries. Yuck. I just want a chocolate bar and cereal with something good to drink. Uilliam is on his gameboy. Mandy is upstairs on bro’s laptop. She is addicted to making videos I swear. Yeah it’s fun for me but I don’t think I could do it as much as she does. I wouldn’t put 9 hours worth of work into one music video anyways. It just seems ridiculous to me. I wish I had something to do. Like homework or a job. I wish I was in college right now. It just gets so boring being here all day. And it’s getting cold. And we didn’t get Chinese yesterday and won’t get it for about 2 weeks. Which doesn’t bother me. I just wish they’d called ahead of time. So inconsiderate. My back is killing me. Ross and Castillo came by today. That was kind of cool. We talked about cops and cars and bullshit. Nothing big there. Castillo doesn’t think it should take too much to fix mom’s car. I want to watch a movie. My stomach feels like it’s trying to turn in on itself. It’s weird. I wish I could get back into the book I’m reading. I suddenly lost interest for no reason. And it’s a good book so I don’t get it. I’m always so tired. And I’m about to start my period. Big fun. Not. Explains why I feel sick and why everything smells like it’s going to make me sick. Right now all my dreams seem to be disappearing into despair. I burned my finger earlier. Just a little. Nothing too bad. I keep dreaming of Marty and I hate that. I hate that I miss him so much. He hasn’t spoken to me since that last day. And that makes me feel so stupid. Believe me. I hate that I’m so naïve. I’m normally such a good judge of character, but when it comes to sex and love… then I fuck myself over. I’m so dizzy. It’s sickening. I can’t wait to go back to bed. Pathetic. Considering how much I’ve been sleeping lately… it’s insane. Thank goddess for music. It’s the only reason I haven’t totally lost it. I am so tired. What the hell is wrong with me? I just keep wondering why I would end up like this. This way. I just don’t get it!October 6th, 2009I wish that I could make my dreams go away. I just keep dreaming of him. It's so frustrating. I have no reason what-so-ever to miss him. But I keep seing his face in my dreams at night. I only wish it'd stop. I have an appointment on Thursday to see that shrink. Fun fun. I want to scream. Lacretia had to move to a different home yet again and it was heartbreaking. She kept trying to follow mom back to the car. I wish we had a dog house and the $200 for her. She's my baby and all I want to do is cry. I don't even know how long Ross is going to be able to keep her. He said just for a few days which isn't exactly specific you know. And his bitch mother was talking about some other chick having her cuz she wants a dog. No one seems to get that they aren't keeping her forever. Eventually I'm getting my own place and I will get her back. Because she's mine and I love her enough not to want her bounced around to people who don't take care of her right. And I know Ross will do a good job but I don't know about anyone else being able to. I just want her back. She's so full of love and adventure, it'd be wrong to take her to a Humane Society for that shit. The idea that they'd put her down would kill me. I mean, if she was deathly ill it'd be one thing, but she's totally healthy. This is fucking ridiculous... even bro misses her and he hardly ever saw her. I want my DOG BACK! This is completely wretched. I still haven't cried over it yet. There are too many people around and I don't feel like explaining it to them. I feel so depressed. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! Damn I miss her... I'm still in my pajamas. I don't even want to move. I hate talking to people. What business is it of theirs how I feel or don't feel? Maybe I should just print up my fricking diary tomorrow and hand it to the guy when I walk in his office. No. None of his business what I think or how I feel. Sure, the doc thinks I'm bipolar, and there's a strong possibility she's right. But I've gone this long without help for it. At least I have my music. No one can take that away from me. Music, caffeine, and a little bit of alcohol. Sounds like a good night to me. Better with some rain and lightning. Nature's music. Something to dance in. Amanda just got home. Yay. I'm hoping some bouncy music will get me in a better mood. But I don't know. I'm no longer depressed. I've moved up to bored. Wow. Good music I guess. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. As long as it isn't the flu, though. This whole day royally sucked. It was a total waste of time. I can't believe this. I just want to go to bed. And I slept plenty. I guess I'm hoping I can sleep away my life. Except I'm genuinely tired. So I don't know. I don't feel like singing but I'm trying to hide the fact that I feel like falling... Plus, sometimes doing it when I'm not in the mood gets me in the mood to sing. Who knows, it may still work... I'll update you later!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

why have a pharmacy if it doesn't carry your prescriptions?why see a doctor if they don't remember to call in your scripts???and how stupid do you have to be at a post office not to know how to work a debit card???people are so completely useless. can't depend on them for anything. gah!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Union City is still EXACTLY the same, i'm not even kidding. I miss Colorado but more for the scenery than the people. with very few exceptions. Erin was really great and Marty did make me laugh but other than that, few people come to mind who don't need to be hit with a shovel...i'm happy to be back with my brother and sister though. lol. already Uilliam is mad at me and Mandy is back to sleeping ALL DAY...i do need to check my Facebook & Myspace... and i desperately need to update my Tripod site. anyways. i'm gonna go hangout on minekey cuz i'm bored and there's nothing really to write about...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

i'm in the Springs. i want to go home. but i'm sure i'll be okay once we start making the damned candles. but i miss my brother and sister so much. not to mention my friends. besides, it's 2 miles to the library. gah. but i'll make it. i'm good like that.

if u know anyone in colorado, tell them to contact me. please. i'm goin insane hanging out with all these 40 year olds. no offense mom.

Friday, May 22, 2009

my birthday party was pretty cool. there are videos on youtube from it. Lalahfreak is the user's playlist. yeah, mine. lol.

wish i wasn't so sad today. i should probably stop crying. Matt isn't talking to me right now and i don't know why. normally we just argue so like, what the heck? he's going to england in 3 days. so. that blows. better get me pix. i'm sure we'll be fine. we're supposed to hang out on Sunday.

Jack's online. hope he talks to me. I feel like crap. don't think i could take it if yet another friend didn't think i was worth speaking with.apparently i'm not worth it.it's been so long since i've had a real conversation. i love nyccie but if she brings up Twilight one more time. or jeremiah. or ex boyfriends. or her current ones, i swear. i'm gonna scream or hit her.

this summer i'm going to tennessee to hang out with my friend Danielle and Mark. they're engaged and supposed to get married next year.

i have about 2 or 3 weeks left to finish packing and i really should get around to that. i'm blonde now. it's weird. but i needed my hair lighter so i could dye it pink. hopefull i'll get that done before i leave. lol.

i miss my exboyfriend and i don't know how i feel about that. i know i'm in love with him but. he can't ever know that. cuz distance would kill me and i don't know how to overcome that right now...............................................

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upsetShe's going off about something that you saidShe doesnt get your humour like I doI'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday nightI'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt likeAnd she'll never know your story like I doBut she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirtsShe's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachersDreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and findThat what you're lookin for has been here the whole timeIf you could see that I'm the one who understands youBeen here all along so why can't you see? You belong with me You belong with meWalkin the streets with you in your worn out jeansI cant help thinking this is how it ought to beLaughing on the park bench thinkin to myselfHey isnt this easy?And you've got a smile that could light up this whole townI havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you downYou say you find I know you better than thatHey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?She wears high heels, I wear sneakersShe's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachersDreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and findThat what you're looking for has been here the whole timeIf you could see that I'm the one who understands youBeen here all along so why can't you see? You belong with meStandin by, waiting at your back doorAll this time how could you not know that?You belong with me You belong with meOh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the nightI'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cryI know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreamsI think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.Can't you see that I'm the one who understand you?Been here all along so why can't you see? You belong with meStanding by or waiting at your back doorAll this time how could you not know thatYou belong with meYou belong with meHave you ever thought just maybe You belong with me You belong with me

Jon. I miss him like crazy. He was my superman. Ya know? anyways. i hadn't heard from him in nearly 2 years and suddenly i get a request for an online chat... wish i'd been online when he sent me that request. believe me, i would've jumped at the chance to talk to him.i hope he writes me back though. i emailed him, twice. the first was just one line and in response to the request. the 2nd one was slightly longer and had my cell number in it.i hope he at least reads them. ya know? cuz i still love him. and it drives me crazy since we can't be together for a number of reasons...for starters, i have no passport to move to canada with him......so that sucks.plus i get sick too easily to move there anyhow. i'm going to tennessee for a while and won't be back for 3 months anyway... i'm going to college in the fall. so. this whole thing is a mess i guess.but i do love him. a lot. and i tried to let him go but i got worried and i missed him and, truthfully, he's the only guy who made me feel loved in the first place. ya know?so i'm gonna shut up now. since i'm sure this is really pathetic to the General Public... but yeah...so, in case you're reading this, MUCH LOVE superman.

Friday, May 8, 2009

okay. i love my mom. i don't like her all the time. but i love her.now if only i could tell her to stop when she does things i don't like. but i can't cuz if i do she'll do one of two things:yell and shout and get bitchyorcry and get depressed....both are things i try to avoid...------

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Alan actually had the nerve to ask me why i wouldn't give him a 2nd chance.first of all, i have given him over 20 chances...he cheated on me with my best friend.denied it when we confronted him.talks trash about us to the other girl.lies to us.is embarrassed to be seen with us in public. either of us.he only thinks about sex.he uses lines to get to us.he is never honest.and there are more reasons i can't post because there's no way to know whether children read this thing or not. and i do not need them going to their parents to ask about it.

besides, i don't need my IQ to go down 15 points like it inevitably would if I went back out with him.

sorry. i keep getting busy. I had to help a friend cope with some stupid guy thing. And my sister lost my flashdrive so i can't upload or download any music. which means my havocangel myspace isn't gonna have new tunes on it for a while. plus there's this dance friday i "have" to go with my sister to.{MORP}.. then sunday is my birthday. then next wednesday is an appointment. and then next friday is my birthday party plus i need to take pictures for a friend. so... busy busy. plus i still haven't finished packing so i may just get a summer job.... i'm so confused.... how have u been?

i'm not excited about my bday anymore.i only look forward to talking to Matt & Jack...i used to talk to nitia all the time. but she, nyccie, danielle, and savanna are always so busy.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

i have applied at KCC... i am applying for FAFSA.... myyearbook is a mess. and myspace got crazy on me. Facebook is insane. and the KCC website is the most confusing vague mess i've ever seen. hell, they still think it's 08...

Friday, February 27, 2009

nyx killey and i... we rock. we miss him. this is from his last visit. that was fun. i even did a vidblog on it on youtube. we started an I Love Killey club... also known as ILK... so i've been very busy lately.

it hasn't been letting me publish my entries lately. it's makin' me crazy. i've been hanging out on youtube a lot lately. and downloading music. so yeah. :) my sis wanted me to go to snocoming with her but i didn't . i decided not to last minute. turns out a teacher was murdered so that was freaky...

and still it's true. i've been downloading a lot lately. and uploading. and reading. and writing. and that's about it to be honest. there really isn't much to say. i wish that i could cry... but i can't. i'm too stubburn for that...

if only my dreams would come true. but they don't even stand a chance...

that is my sister and i earlier this month cuz she wanted me to go to snocoming with her... :)

Monday, January 19, 2009

I woke up in this amazing mood today. I did my hair, I danced to my cds... I dressed up nice. The only thing I didn't do was my makeup. And that was cuz i had to answer the door.and if I hadn't, my mom never would've snapped at me and ruined my amazing mood.and she only got pissed at me cuz George wasn't around to be bitched at. considering it was his fault. and i didn't do anything wrong today. in fact, my day started out great.so why is it that everytime something goes right for me, some person has to bitch it up and wreck it?

i feel alone all the time. and unappreciated. and hated. and she does this. i didn't DO anything to deserve this so what the hell???

it's bad enough i only have 20 minutes left on my cell so i can't call danielle. she always makes me feel better and i'm sick of all this...

Oh this is so lush!-buffy Tell everybody I’m crazy? Beauty idea!-buffyI’m telling you, it’s totally key!-buffy you guys are so thrashed!-buffy(in a graveyard waiting for vampires) Do you have any gum?-buffyThose rich bitches, they’re a plague!-BennyGod, what’s your damage?-buffy-Pike-Go home, ben. –But I’m hungry!- you’re floating! Come on man! Get away from here!—PikeYou threw a knife at my head.-buffy Yes I had to show you.-Merrick But you threw a KNIFE at my HEAD!- buffyI never hit anybody before.-Buffy Really? Well, you did it perfectly. –Merrick. I didn’t even break a nail!-buffyToaster-caked him!- BuffyMerrick, I’m not gonna croak that easily. I have something the other girls didn’t have… -buffy And what, pray tell, is that?-merrick My keen fashion sense.-buffyYou ruined my new jacket… Kill him a lot.-VampireGod. Vampires. Unbelievable!-PikeI know that guy. That is a bad guy. Can we go please?-pikeDo it wrong. Don’t play our game.-merrickI’m going shopping. Don’t try to stop me.-buffyI’m the chosen one and I CHOOSE to be shopping. –buffyYou broke up with my machine? –buffyHey! I have detention slips here and I’m not afraid to use them!- Principal GaryThe master wants her. And Uncle Sam wants you!- BennyDid I do all of that?!- Pike

they never shut the fuck up! u think they could at least lower their voices but i suppose that would be too much for them, huh... ?rayne is spending the weekend again with us.they bought a scale. mom's most hated foe.i feel sick and i'm extremely bitchy i'm not due for my period for 2 more weeks so i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.my head is spinning and i'm cold... i am so thirsty and dizzy.rayne misses angel and she's driving me nuts. i love her but quite frankly i really don't care if she's horny or if he's good in bed.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bones isn't on til next week thanks to that presidential crap that was on. oh joy. so i watched Scary Movie 2 instead. much more entertaining than Bush's BullShit.Will emailed me today and he messed up one of the digits of his number when he gave it to me the first time. Inebriation isn't always a good thing.now i just need 30$ to get more time on it. oh joy...

My brother's show came in on Netflix. thankfully. I can't wait til 8 tonite to watch Bones.... My cell is working finally. I'm already in just 3 days down 175 minutes from the 280 i started at. I talked to Danielle and Killey for forever. I tried to talk to Bailey for awhile but she didn't seem to be in the mood. whatever. no one can say i didn't try. I plan on calling Rayne today at around 4:30 to talk to her. i missed her yesterday by just over 2 hours.

I am bouncing off the walls right now because there isn't anything to do. It's like putting a lightning bolt in a rubber room. It drives you crazy and it's no fun at all. I should be working on my video blog but this seemed easier.

I haven't heard from Will in over a week. So that blows. I tried to call his cell but it's no longer in service. I guess. I don't know. I hate technology.

My brother has the T.V. up too loud. my head is spinning and... yeah whatever. i got to hang out with Jayvynn yesterday. (Wednesday). For awhile. I'm tired. Good night.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Stupid Girl. At least I know i'm not a princess... and i don't believe in fairy tales. and that's kind of sad when you stop and think about it. i want to have faith in people. but after my life, i don't think i ever will be able to...

i've been in love with the same guy since i was 16... but do to distance, it wasn't gonna last. and then he fell back into his depression. so now i'm worried.it's not like i didn't try to fall out of it... or like i didn't date other people. but damn if i'm not still in love with Superman. Shut up, it's the nickname i gave him. to tell that truth my favorite comic book hero was definitely BatMan... still is actually. and if i had to pick a villain, it'd be The Joker. not just cuz he's funny and insane, or cuz Heath Ledger portrayed him so extremely well, but seriously. He is definitely the most awesome villain.but my point is i did date other people. including the guy i went to snocoming with. now that was boring. the guy was an idiot, and i am never being nice to anyone again by dating them. i mean, he showed up stoned out of his mind and he didn't even know what the drug was he was on at the time. can u say Fuck it?!quite frankly, boys around here suck. yes, boys. cuz i've yet to meet someone here who has any chance of being labeled a "man" ya know? they are all so immature and rotten that it's hard to say what people see in them.

even though i don't believe in fairy tales and all that, i still dream of a White Knight and all that. though i prefer someone with a spine and tattoos instead. or at least someone who likes poetry. yeah i know, it will never happen.

has anyone ever heard that song White Horse by Taylor Swift? i think it says it all. really what else is there to say????

though i do catch myself fantasizing still that maybe my Superman will come and save me and take me away from all this... someplace safe and happy. but that will never happen i guess. i mean, for all i know he's in the psych ward again. not that i love him any less for it if he is.how i can still be in love with him after all this time is beyond me.but i can honestly say i still miss him...

Talking to the wind and sky,Alae... {Is still leaving her window open so prince charming can climb the tower to save her...}

staring at all these books i'll never have a chance to read.looking at the empty pages in my notebook.wishing my pen could scribe the words i want to say.hoping one day i can tell you about my day...

knowing i'll never get that chance.believing it to be the truth.if only i didn't realize.if just once i could un-memorize.

buy my favorite color is green,and i simply adore the black skies at night.Silver shines and makes me play my guitar.and all because they remind me of the stars...

there are no miracles in my life.nothing to make me stand out from the rest.but when i sing and write my music...then you can hear all the things that make me tick...yeah.... it really does the trick...

but still my life is just a shade of gray.all these things still left to do.i die with empty eyes and unfulfilled promises.set my spirit free to fly and sing for a lover's kiss...

let my fire in my heartflame to new heights.stop me from thinking.just let me be free.

invisible to the world as i live and breathe.but soon one day i will sing.i will be heard. i will be seen.I will open your eyes to all that i could be...

you will know who i really was.who i could have been.eventually you will realize all that i was made of.i will be the world's musical love.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

i don't know how to put the way i am currently feeling into words. i don't know how to make the world, or even one person, understand... i am so afraid that this will never end. and i don't even know why i am the way i am. i just know what i am. and who i am. but i don't think i will ever figure out WHY... and that just makes things all the more difficult to live with. i can't stand this. i've been told numerous times that i should be medicated but to be fair of the medications i tried, they all caused me to have some side-affect or another. and now my psychiatrist, whom i no longer see, says that i should just continue to see my therapist because of my bad experiences with anti-depressants. but that i should be medicated but i've "tried so many" that it wouldn't help any. what the fuck exactly equals "so many"??? i have only ever been on one med at a time and i've only tried out 3 different ones. so what the hell is he talking about??? whatever. i wish i would just die already. don't take that the wrong way, i'm not going to off myself or anything. i don't have the guts. pain is just something i do my best to avoid. that and chaos but i'm never going to be able to get away from that in this house. my stepfather drives me insane. he's an asshole most of the time. and when he's trying to be nice, he is still being a jerk. my mom acts like she's sixteen. which is fine i guess, because it's weird when she tries to be motherly. but when she does act like a mom, she's just wrong about it. it's like she has no respect for other peoples views. which sounds so screwed up considering. i mean she's friends with people of all religions and what-not. but when it comes to my sister being a vegetarian, she's okay with it. but she gets her an ice pack with meat in it, knowing she's adverse to the slaughter of animals and that she gets sick when it's too close to her, and she has the audacity to tell my sister that she is being unreasonable. what the hell? i mean, if i can understand where my sis is coming from then she definitely should be able to. i am just saying that my sister and i disagree on almost everything but i won't do that to her... so how can our mom? and what's worse is apparently everything that goes wrong is my fault somehow. and that i should try to be a better person... blah blah blah. and this is coming from the same woman who thinks we should all be accepted as we are??? i was raised in a universe of contradictions and hypocritical bullshit. and apparently i'm cruel because i don't want my mom to dye her hair to my color. again. apparently it's absolutely horrible that i want to be an individual and that i'm sick of being compared to her. is it so difficult to understand that i don't want to be her? so we look alike. lots of kids look like their parents. it's kind of expected. but she makes such a big deal about it. and so does everyone else i know. it's like a broken record. and it doesn't get better when she refers to me as her "clone" either. which she has been doing for as long as i can remember. and she's always saying how alike we are, not just in looks but attitude and personality. well thanks but i'd like to think i was somewhat different. it's sickening after awhile. she actually takes it as an insult when someone, say my friend's ma, calls her an adult. she gets all bent out of shape about it. and when i try to strike somehow out on to my own and be different, she follows to it. i am just so exhausted from it all. and when she doesn't understand something, she blows up at me. or gets fake-depressed the way little kids do when they're pouting or not getting their way. i may be immature, out of control, and a total bitch. but in the end i still feel like the MOM in my house. the only time i can get away from that is when i'm hanging out with nyx... i used to do that with my friend danielle too but she moved away so it's more difficult. but at least she understood, u know? i mean, she doesn't make excuses for my mom even though she was like another daughter and my mom was like another one for her. we both dealt with lousy house lives and we got one another. i miss being able to have talks with her in her room and just bitch and get it off my chest. and i'm sure she does too. i never realised before how much i relied on her until she went off to college in another state. don't get me wrong. nyx helps a lot more than if i were alone. but it isn't the same. cuz she thinx my mom is so cool and the truth is she is hell to live with. but then. maybe its just me and i'm messed up... i don't know anymore. i miss killey like crazy. cuz we may not have talked about our problems much, but he could at least get my mind off the issues for a while. and i always knew i could show up anytime at all with any problem if i needed him. but then his baby-mama made him move and got them evicted. and was happy about it. and now we never see him anymore. you have to figure. danielle was my closest friend since i was 9 years old. and i've known her my whole life. she was my sister. in every sense except blood. Killey was my brother the same as Danielle was my sister. but some people don't seem to get that. his baby-mama being one of them. she actually thought he was having an affair with me. and nyx. and sav. and probably even mandy. the idea is sick and absurd on so many levels i swear. i never knew i was so reliant on other people. i always thought i was strong and self-reliant. but then i slowly started to lose my friends. now i see it. i can't get by on my own. how am i supposed to deal with that? and on top of everything else. i'm like the family psychiatrist to all my friends and family. it's ridiculous and straining. i've had 3 anxiety attacks today alone. on top of it all. not to mention i burst out in anger just cuz they were talking. well, whining and arguing really. but the point is i snapped in less than 30 seconds into their... dialogue?? it was irrational. but then, irrational bursts of anger happen a lot. it generally happens when i keep it all inside, like i always do. danielle was the only person i ever really talked to about this. probably cuz she didn't make me talk to the people causing it like a shrink would do to us all. now i don't talk to anyone anymore. not about the big stuff. just stupid things like clothes and boys. wow. i'm turning into a priss. just what i don't need. though i don't really care about boys or clothes, just something to avoid talking about issues. life's a bitch. maybe this is where i went wrong... i used to be so understanding and give great advice... now i just underplay it all and goof off til they feel better or change the subject... if i had access to liquor on a regular basis i'd probably end up an alcoholic. as it is i'm basically doing that with soda and orange juice. drinking it all away..... and eating when there's nothing to drink. it's no wonder i'm now 269.8 pounds........ it's amazing that no one cares that for my age, gender, height, etc, i am medically obese... they didn't even react. just shrugged it off when my doctor made that announcement. most people don't even believe it cuz i don't look THAT heavy. here i am trying to give up chocolate and it seems that's all that is in the house. maybe i should just go on strike against all food. to hell with being healthy. just die that way. no one gives a shit anyways. i feel like i'm all alone... even when i'm talking to my friends or my sister.... i feel empty. broken. disregarded. taken for granted... like i just don't matter. and people can apologize and feel sorry for me all they want but it won't change anything. and for the fifteen seconds anyone does treat me well, it won't last. because in the end, someone always does it. and somehow i always manage to get lost in the music. i just wish i could find a way to be happy. but i don't think that can happen without first getting away from my family. and that is in and of itself a really sad thing to say. even though it's true. what is wrong with the world when this is what life comes to for someone? do u know the song False Pretense by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus??? somehow, it helps me through right now. i'm tired of sacrificing everything i am just to survive for others. i want to want to live. i want to be able to be me at all costs. 100% me... not just somewhat there at 5% or less the way i have been for the past 12 or more years. i'm nearly 20 and i'm just looking for a way to fight back and be me. and it's sad that i have to fight for something that should just be allowed and understood naturally....

Hey Jude is also a great song... somehow, it pulls you in and makes u smile even when u are crying. Damn Regret by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is amazing right now to me. it's art put into words. Chopin would be jealous. let's face it. He's good with piano music. but no one can compare to music for the Teenage generation. i'm through pretending for you people. if u have a problem with me. then just say so dammit. cuz i have no problem telling u to drop dead and kiss my ass while u were down there. i mean, i'm a nice girl... no wait, i'm not.....

My final song reccomendation for this mood.... Break Stuff by LIMP BIZKIT