Barry Bonds: Charged with four counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice for telling a federal grand jury he never knowingly used steroids. The substance he's accused of taking, The Clear, was neither illegal nor specifically banned by baseball at the time of his testimony. Trial is scheduled to begin March 21, at which time prosecutors will probably have to concede they don't have shit.

Marion Jones and Trevor Graham: Jones was convicted of perjury for lying to Novitzky about her PED use. The sprinter was sentenced to six months in prison by a judge who scolded her for also lying to The Children and for not teaching them lessons about "how to win and lose within the rules." Graham, Jones's trainer, got a year of home confinement for lying to Novitzky.

Tammy Thomas: Convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice for lying to etc., etc. The cyclist was subjected to detailed testimony about her facial hair. "Look me in the eye," Thomas shouted at jurors when the verdict was announced. "Look me in the eye and tell me you mean what you did. No. Look me in the eye. I've had enough courtroom decorum."

Victor Conte: Received four months in prison and four months under house arrest after pleading guilty to money laundering and distributing steroids. The BALCO founder claims that Novitzky fabricated portions of his initial confession.