Monday, October 19, 2009

Pre-cleaning

Pre-cleaning? Okay, I have some s’plaining to do.

Twice a month, a cleaning service scours our home. I tried talking PJ into once a month service but tie votes end up on her side of the scorecard.

What you ask—domestic engineer guys don’t clean? Fair question. My answer is that I am allergic to vacuum cleaners. Not buying that? Fair enough. My cleaning skills, while good for a guy, come up short on PJ’s grading scale. I agree with Roseanne Barr who said she would vacuum when John Deere made a riding vacuum cleaner.

In my defense, I am a relatively tidy person. I keep the kitchen clean and the house clutter-free, most days. My idea of housecleaning is to sterilize the place four times a year, even if it requires using that sucking device. I consider dust a decoration. Then once it is removed it’s like looking at new furniture.

PJ, while less tidy, can smell mold at fifty paces, and tell if any room has been vacuumed by walking into the house blindfolded. Most blindfolded guys would ask, “What is that strange smell?”

Back to pre-cleaning—we tidy up the house before the cleaning service arrives. This means clothes off the floors (so they can vacuum), and stuff off desktops and countertops (so they can dust). It means that my office floor filing system is temporarily relocated on the bed.

The dishwasher is emptied. Otherwise the cleaners would load the breakfast dishes on top of the cleaned ones.

When our son was still ensconced in our house, we barred the cleaners from his two-room apartment. We feared that they might catch something and we weren’t sure our homeowner’s policy covered cultures transmitted to the hired help.

When PJ retires I’ve talked her into once a month service. She only agreed after I committed to vacuuming once a week. In anticipation I’ve put in a new product request to John Deere for a riding vacuum cleaner, one with a built-in TV monitor.

My dusting strategy is to borrow the leaf blower from the lawn service guys, open the doors and windows and blow the dust out.

You need the new Dyson vacuum. I suggest the one for homes with pets, judging from the cover of your book. It is not a John Deere and ya can't sit on it, but I guarantee it will make vacuuming a blast and that basketball-looking-thingie that allows it to turn in ways that will bring an onion-free tear to your eyes is going to either make you think of golf, soccer or maybe even basketball. However, DO NOT try to bounce this vacuum cleaner! I don't think that is covered under the warranty! Enjoy, my friend! -BonQ

About Me

Earlier this century I chucked my first career. I spent 25 years hawking chain restaurants. From the looks of us, I did well. I kept the best part - my friends. I became a kept man. Assuming all household duties, I found my inner-chef and earned my B.S. in Domestic Engineering. To breadwinner bride, PJ, I am a Domestic God. This blog is mostly about the Domestic God role, and my book, Guy's Guide to Domestic Engineering, with a rant spiced into the crockpot now and then. I am a proud graduate of Indiana's Logansport High School. I am a Vietnam-era veteran (serving in Germany), alum of Up With People (where I met PJ), and a graduate of USC (where I didn't met OJ). My genre is non-fiction. I've been scribing columns for the Logansport Pharos Tribune since the mid-90s, and I've scored two pieces in the Los Angeles Times. I claim two children. Our daughter married a Frenchman and lives in France near Geneva. It may take dynamite to launch our son from our home, or to extricate me from our kitchen.