Dance like nobody’s watching, but post to Instagram to make sure they all do. Hannah Davis shared her waxed grunions on the cover of Sports Illustrated. The route between SI cover and female lead in cell phone video with a big named athlete finishing on your shoulder is pretty direct. You don’t need to do anything really. Just leave your mind open to romance and you will take flight. Famous guy spunk doesn’t weigh that much.

The see-through tops and grabbing your own tits memes really have turned fashion into something worthwhile of late. There used to be those heroin chic Euro zombies showing off their tops on the runways, but you always left the boy chested leering experience feeling a little deflated and questioning your sexuality. Now they’re using girls with real women’s bodies to push the same exact fashions. I don’t see how that could hurt.

You bet I’ll buy those skorts, they’ll go great with my hands on my tits at the 4th of July block party.

Sports Illustrated is starting to leak out photos of their annual compendium of airbrushed swimsuit models. The Swimsuit edition used to come out in early February but got pushed back several weeks when somebody called that anonymous stolen software tip line and Adobe busted S.I. for not having enough Photoshop site licenses. So basically everybody is now huddled around Tim’s computer 24×7 trying to make all the girl nipples disappear. There’s been rumor that Kate Upton will be photographed in a bikini in a zero gravity photo, as the sports magazine tries to up their game from sending her to the Antarctic last year. If sales don’t pick up, in 2015 they’re going to miniaturize Kate Upton in a tiny submarine and inject her directly into a famous ex-athlete’s prostate.