Who Am I?

“But now, O Jacob, listen to the LORD who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1

Coming off of some recent struggles and questions detailed in the last post Testosterone Filled Female, I decided to finally bring my question to Him, “Lord, who am I to you?”I knew the routine Christian answers about being a new identity in Christ, being seated with Him in heavenly places, being above and not beneath; all of those powerful attributes of being in Christ, but I wanted to know who I was specifically to the Lord of the Universe; how He created me differently than anyone else, but I had never actually asked him until one defining moment on the elliptical and then my whole outlook on life changed instantly.

My life has been tough, not like third world country starving on the streets tough, but tough in terms of our comfortable American standards. I’m not complaining, just explaining. My teenage/college years were difficult and often wrought with emotional and spiritual damage.Being a mother was hard. I was told that my second child would never be born due to a stroke that he suffered in utero causing severe hydrocephalus, and I was cautioned repeatedly to abort that pregnancy because I would only be asking for heartache if I continued with it.My marriage was tough.My tennis professional, personal trainer husband was diagnosed with brain cancer at 30 years old and fought for three years until he passed away at the age of 33.Life as a widow was hard with four young children completely dependent on me for a while, and my new life is good but hard.I married a widower who had three young children added to my four young children (to make 7 young children!) and although we love each other deeply and are 100% committed to making our marriage the best it can be, we have had to work through our new life together, grieving together, rising above that grief, learning to make our marriage about the two of us and how that was going to look and feel, and learning to trust God’s heart for us again.So life has been less than idyllic at times, but I’m a hacker.

I fight desperately; always have and always will.I refused to believe the lies the Devil brought against me in certain aspects of my life, I refused to accept anything less than healing for my unborn child, and when the Lord told my heart that my late husband’s healing would be in Heaven, I fought to accept it as God’s perfect will. I believed that there was still a promise land of blessing for me as a child of His if I would just remain faithful. I’m committed to fighting daily for my marriage, my children, and my life. I’m a fighter to the core. I love tough movies like Braveheart, Gladiator, and Lord of the Rings, and my favorite movie scene of all time is when Eowyn, the princess in Lord of the Rings, slays the beast that “no man can kill.” Without fail, every time I see it there is something that rises up in me and I think, “Oh yeah, she rocks!”I love it – passionately love it. I love songs like Bon Jovi, “It’s my Life” and the lyrics that go along with it, “You better stand tall when they’re calling you out, don’t bend, don’t break Baby, don’t back down” and Natalie Grant’s song, “I Will Not Be Moved.” I love working out hard and adding more and more weight just to see what my own limitations are. I love living passionately and at times this does not resonate well with “good girl” Christianity. As a woman I’ve struggled with not being very churchy, and I don’t do well with the Christian gibberish that people often proclaim to sound like they have it all together. I am not the first girl to call if you have a bake sale or need someone to teach Sunday school or volunteer in the nursery; those things do not appeal to the core of my heart. I don’t enjoy potlucks or hymn sings or organizing vacation Bible school, never have and probably never will and apparently there is a good reason for it; it’s not how God wired me!

Back to my moment on the elliptical, my iPod started belting out Jason Gray’s song “Remind Me Who I Am” and I thought in that moment, “Who am I to you Lord? What did you make me for?” Immediately He spoke to my heart, “You are my warrior princess.”A smile began to hesitantly creep across my face and my spirit did a cartwheel, “Really God, I’m your warrior princess?? Really? I am that princess in Lord of the Rings? A princess with a beauty to behold and an unyeilding spirit that fights for what she believes in? A beautiful vulnerability wrapped in armor?That’s who I am to you Lord?”

I heard him speak quietly to my heart, slowly reassuring my unbelief, “Yes, you are, you are not made for bake sales, Sunday school, or potlucks, you are made to pick up the sword of the spirit, pray without ceasing, and pray some people out of bondage, out of the Devil’s claws, and out of their own private pits of hell.You are made to plead my blood over hopeless situations and use your faith to move some mountains.”

WOW…Everything He said rang true in my spirit.It’s how I fought my late husband’s cancer, my unborn child’s terminal diagnosis, my childhood, and my new life. As I slowly accepted this truth over the coming days and weeks all condemnation, guilt, and shame over not being all of those other women I had always envied, the bake sale organizers, the Sunday school leaders, and the nursery workers, literally fell off of my heart and mind. There is a freedom, unlike anything else, when you truly hear how God sees you. I am a warrior princess to the King of Kings and He made me this way. I don’t have to feel guilty over the other stuff because it’s not how He made me and we as women DON’T have time for it all anyways.We need to figure out who we are in Him and how He has wired us and work from those gifts – not from how someone else has been gifted and not from how religion will often guilt us into feeling.

Ironically, when we receive our answer from the Most High God we actually want to use our spiritual gifts.I want to pray hard coming against spiritual bonds that hold people captive, and I want to use the blood of Christ as my sword and wreak havoc on the Devil’s playground of people’s lives.When you bring your question to Him, and when he answers and He will, it will free you like nothing else can for there is no one alive who can answer your question like He will and validate the innermost being of who you are.