Discover what happens after the break-up

Mirage

Today I saw a young black couple with the husband and wife wearing dreadlocks. Sitting between them was an adorable and pretty little girl; also in dreadlocks. They looked like a beautiful family. The sight threw me into a tailspin emotionally. It was so easy to see what was supposed to happen with Tina, what could have happen, what should have happened. They looked as I have always imagined our family would have been like; and is not. Even if I was to find another it would be different, it would be something else. It would be no guarantee that it would be even close or last.

And that is the rub when it comes to the cliche’ advice that there is another. There are more fish in the sea. She was just not the one. You’ll find someone who deserves you. I hear this, and even though I know in my mind it is not true, I feel nonetheless like no one understands. I’ve felt this sense of loss before, not as bad certainly, but I’ve felt it. All the emptiness, the sudden flashes of anger, the annoyance when I see Valentines Day cards, the inability to listen to a single love song, the continual playing of rock music–the angrier and louder the better–the physical symptoms of stress and depression; headaches, pain in the back, pain in my neck, all it is with me again but intensified to a whole another level. I never want to feel this again. It’s been a year, and still I feel hurt. Even with the info on who she is today, it does not erase the loss of the person I was with, or the things I miss about her and us. Those memories will not fade, will not stop haunting me. I wish they would just fucking go away. Just leave me alone goddamn it. Jesus, why the hell did God bring her to me, if I was just gonna go through this bullshit.

Wishing it away will not help though. And then it hits me. I see it clear as day. It’s a decision based on the knowledge of oneself–maybe a curse of knowing yourself well–and knowing your limitations. It’s a line and sentiment I have expressed in jokes throughout my life, but has now come true.

A man has to know his limits.

People say, “don’t let her win.” People tell me, don’t deprive some woman of what I have to offer. I’m told that I can love again. But I realize that things have to be about me now. Not her, not some unknown woman I may meet, not anything or anyone in the world, it’s about me. And for me it’s about survival; survival for today and tomorrow. A man has to know his limits. And my limits are clear to me. See I can find someone else I guess, and guess what? There is no damn guarantee she won’t leave me. There is no way to make her stay married, or with me. She can leave at any time for as many stupid ass reasons as Tina did. And that’s not good enough. If it happened again, it would destroy me. I know this the way a fish knows it needs water. It is crystal clear in my mind and heart. Is love worth it?

The answer is no. It truly is better to not have love, than to have it and to lose it. Especially if it is lost to no fault of your own. I think back to one of Tina’s text’s telling me I would find love again one day, and I want to just smack something. I want to just curse her ass out. I don’t want to find love, I want it to stay the fuck around. I want what I deserve and that was US. I can’t have it, and I won’t risk another person doing this to me. If there was a guarantee, then I maybe I would look or hope or pray. I did that before, and for 7yrs my prayers were answered, and then it was just dust in the wind. What would I do if I opened my heart again, if I could love again, Jesus the very thought as I write this just turns my stomach. If I did, and this happened again,what would I do? It’s a question I don’t want to answer. It’s not a good one I imagine.

No this has to be about what’s best for me now and in the future, regardless of what she is doing, or what people think. And for me that means getting past this, and then learning to live a life that does not include marriage, kids, or any serious relationship. Some things broken cannot be fixed. Somethings that are put back together are never the same as before. This I fear is me. People can call it wallowing, self-loathing or anything else they damn want too. All I know is this is what is best. I cannot take this again, not when I have my brother that depends on me. He needs me healthy mentally and physically. Right now I am neither. Another blow like this, and..and I’m gone.