From an age of innocence to a time of flagrant debauchery; from finding love to losing hope, this is the life journey of a Chinese gay guy born in KL, Malaysia where he tries to make sense of his homosexuality, his life and the world around him.

27 November 2007

Predicament

When you become attached with someone for so long, out of the blue a question might pop up, are you there because of love? Or are you there because of responsibilities? If you are bothered by this question, more likely that you are there because of responsibilities rather then love. Love is a whimsical thing that is alluring yet faint. Try as some may, they fail to catch its scent, but even if you detect it, you might lose it too. And like finger prints, no one love is alike.

What do you do when the feeling is gone? After all this while, are you willing to break his heart, knowing very well how much he depends on you emotionally? You seem to realize the impact you might cause upon his life with your departure. You try to tell yourself that you are not that important, but then you realize, this is not a statement that you are entitled to say. It can only be discovered by him after you are gone. You seem to be stranded in a dilemma. Friends would probably not understand. How can you explain to them that somewhere along the way, you lost touch with him? How can you explain to him that you no longer feel connected to him? How can you breakup with someone who has been staying by you for all this while, through thick and thin? How could you let responsibilities foregos love?

It is cruel to hurt someone's feeling. Sure it is. What about our feeling? Shouldn't we be fair to ourselves too? But somehow it was never about the feeling of the heart breaker. Somehow if you were to initiate the breakup, you are not entitle to any feeling whatsoever. That you can only keep quiet and pretend that it doesn't hurt too.

But then again, life is never fair, nor is love. You win some and you lose some. If everything goes your way, you will not appreciate it. Maybe all we need is a little despair to make us cherish the love that we have. Some loneliness in order to feel love. To be deserted in order to appreciate. Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.