Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Once upon a
time the Shaman of the tribe took another swig of berry juice and said, “In the
far future, men will start fires with the flick of a thumb!”

The other
tribesmen around the campfire said, “Sure they will.”

The Shaman
continued, “The people of the far future will have meat, fruit, grain and eggs,
fresh all year round! Their caves will be warm in the winter and cool in the
summer! They’ll always have clean water!”

The other
tribesmen said, “But of course.”

The Shaman
said, “The people of the far future,” then he took another swig of berry juice
and continued, “will have flameless light at midnight! They’ll see sights, and
converse with friends, beyond the horizon! They will run faster than jaguars
and fly higher than eagles! The people of the far future,” he said, and took
another swig of berry juice, “will see the far side of the Moon!”

The other
tribesmen said, “Who can doubt it?”

The Shaman’s
woman arrived. She squatted down, grabbed his head, sniffed his breath, and
said, “I see!” Then she grabbed him by the shoulders, stood him up, and led him
staggering back to their cave to sleep it off.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Once upon a time a
young Jihadi appeared at the gates of Paradise, from out of a sudden burst of
smoke. The Jinn guarding the gates
welcomed the defender of the faith, and into the Jihadi’s hand – still streaming
smoke – the Jinn pressed his reward; six dozen white raisins. The Jinn said,
with a smile, “They are as pure as they are white!”

OUR CREDO: The National Liar is
dedicated to the cause of inaccuracy, bias and subjectivity in the news media.
We stand by none of these stories. Don’t believe a word of this paper; any
resemblance it bears to “reality” is sheer “coincidence”. This newspaper is
false!