In September of last year, In Touch ran a cover story that claimed Blake Shelton’s “boozing lifestyle forced him into rehab and almost ruined his career.” The story, Shelton said, was not true. So he’s suing them for $2 million.

Page Six reports the frequent FaceTime partner of Gwen Stefani whose songs I’ve never heard provided a list of all the things In Touch’s story got wrong in the lawsuit, including:

“I have never been to rehab.”

“I did not then, nor have I ever, hit rock bottom.”

“I do not drink excessively, binge drink or have a drinking problem.”

“I do not drink vodka before 11 a.m.”

“I am never drunk, intoxicated, or unable to perform my job on The Voice.”

“I do not slur my words or stumble when I drink.”

“I have never urinated on a mailbox.”

Then this one, which came out of left field.

“My ex-wife . . . did not catch me with a bunch of naked women in our Tennessee home.”

The short version: The only thing you know about me that is true is that I’m currently fucking Gwen Stefani.

After running Jezebel’s Managing Editor Kate Dries through today’s Dirt Bag, she told me, “Not great goss today.” Proof that she was correct can be found below, as the second most important item in today’s morning Dirt Bag is about Tori Spelling almost running over Matt LeBlanc with her car. It’s got about 90 percent of the ingredients of a funny story, but seems to be missing, I don’t know, a certain...je ne sais quoi.

Of the incident, which happened while she was in driver’s ed, Spelling said:

“I was taking my driver’s ed course and I was in the car [as a] student driver with the teacher, and Matt LeBlanc was walking through a crosswalk and I was like, ‘Oh, my God! He’s so hot!’ that I, like, wasn’t looking and I almost hit him in the crosswalk.”

This is a “funny” story, but not a “funny” story. You know? I wanted a more satisfying ending, like maybe she rear-ended the car in front of her, and found out Courteney Cox was the driver. Or she swerved to avoid Matt LeBlanc and hit Rhea Pearlman instead. Something like that.