Friday, February 28, 2014

Communication . . . ever struggle? :-)

As I read this post by Matthew Jacobson this morning, it truly brought a huge smile to my face. Boy oh boy, could I relate. :-) Seth and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this year and just this morning, I was sharing with one of the girls something that I learned about my husband just last night in the realm of communication. As we are watching our son prepare a home for his future bride and as we watch our precious daughters patiently (most days) :-) wait for the Lord to send the men that they were created to be helpmeets to, I am so filled with joy that God has given me the wonderful husband that He has. Marriage is a wonderful thing but it is also a lot of work. Communication is at the absolute top of the list in this work. I hope you too will laugh and be encouraged by what Matthew shared.
Grateful for so much, ~Karen

She
looked across the room at me with a combination of horror and anxiety
which, frankly, seemed like an overreaction. After all, we had been
married for three months and all I said was, “Let’s move to St. Petersburg, Russia.”
That sounds fun, doesn’t it? Why all the fuss? And, why is she so negative about my ideas?Oh, I don’t know . . . how about food, shelter, and money for starters?
She’s such a planner, always hung up on the minor details.
Lisa spent the next day with her anxiety meter in the red zone,
stewing over the Dollar- to-Ruble conversion rate, which clothes she
should pack, and what raising children in Russia would be like.
Me? I never gave it another thought because I would never move us to
Russia without a purpose and a plan. It’s an interesting idea, though,
don’t you think?So, we’re not moving to St. Petersburg?
Of course, not!Communication . . . it’s a funny thing because it always involves three things:
1) What you said
2) What you thought you said
3) What the other person heard you sayWho needs a game of telephone to bring confusion and misunderstanding (without the humor!) to marriage?
We laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny then. Exile in Russia and
about a thousand other ideas struck fear into Lisa’s heart in those
early years – not to mention frustration in mine because of her negative
responses. We may as well have been speaking Russian to each other.
So, what was happening in our interaction? What is happening in
yours? Does the Cold War get revived in your home from time to time?
Communication styles can have a major impact on what we think our spouse is saying. Hearing someone based on one’s own communication style rather than on theirs is bound to lead to trouble.
If Lisa were to say, “Let’s move to Russia,” it would be at
the end of her thought/evaluation process, after all the details and
contingencies were considered. When I say something similar, I’m
floating an idea . . . processing out loud . . . seeing where the
conversation will take us. It’s the same process for us both, it’s just
that I’m on the front end and she’s on the back end.
Now that Lisa understands this about me, she doesn’t have to be
instantly defensive in order to protect herself from random sea changes.
Now that I understand her style, I am more careful (a little more careful!) not to drop idea “bombs” in the middle of her well-planned afternoon.
What’s your spouses communication style?
The Bible is filled with many simple, profound truths that, if heeded, can spare a marriage much grief. 1 Peter 3:7 says husbands are to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge.”
Taking the time to understand your spouse’s communication style and
listening to her (or to Him!) based on what you know about the way
she/he interacts will have a profound impact on your understanding of
each other and bring a measure of peace the next time the visionary in
your relationship suggests hitching a ride on the next shuttle to the
International Space Station for the weekend.
Now, about moving to St. Petersburg, Russia . . . I have only one thing to say about that, “Nyet!”