User:Flipwits

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Jovial Flipwits poses for a photograph, at age two. By this time, he had already become the lead gun-slinging lumberjack in Canada and married 29 supermodels on the back of a giant flying badger cube."

Flipwits was born in a log cabin in the year -1 A.D., which was a far better time than the times we have today, which are made out of brittle plastic, have no retail value, and break after only fourteen vigorous uses. Times were simpler then; the women would fornicate amongst themselves to plant pinecones, and the men would just kill people, using their blood to bathe their tired feet. Flipwits was a Polack, and as such, subjected to the many jokes of his peers, including the two rather presumptuous saber-toothed tapirs in the back of the cave. But the joke was on the pachyderms, for soon he developed the screen-door submarine, which reduced maritime travel by tenfold, since few were still alive to reach their required destination.

Flipwits soon lead the underground avian revolution, which was rather short-lived, since the birds mostly suffocated, for their bodies were not adept to subterrainian travel. But it was the thought that counted, and he got a gold sticker for the effort by his mistress. Yes, times were simpler then, when Coca Cola ads were actually still regarded as important cultural media, and homosexuals lived in the rolled up mattresses of Croatia, where they belonged. Indeed, these were the good years, as reflected on by the vast majority of the populationm, who still wore monocles and crafted pipes out of the spinal cords of the common bison. But this all changed when the Great War came to pass. Staplers and toeless socks alike fled from the oncoming invasion of the laser people, and marveled at how their bodies contained not a single atom, but they were able to make loud zinging noises as they moved, which would later be recorded in seizure-inducing Japanese pornographic music and kindergarten caligraphy. While it seemed that all hope was lost in this dire time, Mr. Happy, the badge-wearing, 20 foot tall raccoon man was able to ward off the laser people using some mere sleight of hand. And then it came to pass that Saint Patrick's day would be a festive celebration, where the masses rejoyced by spewing vomit as green and fresh as the hills of Ireland. But, new problems arose during the Cold War, when Russia developed a sewing machine so powerful, that even the United Satans of America could not match its sweater-making prowess. Some of them even had floral patterns and small animals engraved in their tapestries! So this was why the devil went down to Georgia, and as a result, no one would ever speak of that fateful day again. Not even you.

The man makes the boat. The boat makes the man. No one makes the pancakes.

Life is like a box of chocolates, so when you grab it by the horns, chocolate comes out.

If a tree falls in the forest, hippies will come.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. It might have razor sharp teeth and fire breath. No, wait, that's wood chippers from hell.

Yer damned if ya do and yer damned if ya don't so just go into a box to cry, damn Fall Out Boy enthusiast.

If everyone got a penny for every time someone flipped them off, the world would be a helluva lot richer.

You haven't lived until you have died. so, technically, we are all dead right now, which means we are also alive. Oh, what fun loops.

Never ask a terrorist what time it is.

Annorexhic cheerleader vomit can be considered a healthy seasoning for any warm snack, so bake in the oven and let simmer for 5 minutes.

The only one who can truly call himself a man is he who has the courage to castrate himself with his bare hands.... But if he actually goes through with it, you call him a woman.

If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, consider the possibility that you are blind. Also, consider that you are walking towards a destination in which it is currently night time. Wait 12 hours, and if it STILL is dark, you're totally emo.

It doesn't matter whether you see the glass as half empty or half full. What matters is whether or not you choose to drink it, because, although it is free water, you have to consider whether you want to drink someone's backwash.

A rolling stone gathers many backstage Betties...

It must really suck to be a suicidal balloon.... Jumping off of buildings and hanging youself just doesn't work.