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Summer in the City: Festival of Lites

Skipping the Hamptons this year? Sounds good, but after the Puerto Rican Day Parade and Gay Pride, really, someone needs to think of stuff for city-bound folks to do. Here, the summer festivals we'd like to see . . .

Get ready for Paul Simon in Central Park! He's not performing, but can usually be found sunning himself in the Sheep Meadow. Approach with caution.

Outdoorsy types will love Taste of New York, a three-month-long alfresco feeding frenzy for New York mosquitoes. (May be canceled on account of spraying.)

Take a stroll with the Silicon Alley Walking Tour, which features stops at empty lofts, reconverted warehouses, and Josh Harris's apartment.

Since this season isn't all about having fun, don't miss Scared Straight!: Upper West Side, a field trip during which liberals visit Al Sharpton in jail, where he frightens them with tales of his "Vieques-celent" adventures.

New York is eBook Country!: This festival does not exist.

And last but not least, don't forget to attend the Paris and Nicky Hilton Open House.