{GBF Life + Style} Suspended

Since the inception of the blog, I've stood on my soapbox preaching the importance of action, movement, and progress. Like The Road Runner, I've "beep beep" through the past few years of life chasing one dream, one fabulous party, one perfect moment after another. I do it not to be cool or fab but to make up for years of pure stagnation brought on by an uncontrollable force.

When I was in law school, I suffered debilitating panic attacks that mimicked heart attacks. The first time it happened, I was at a Dodgers game with friends. Without warning, my heart started rapidly pounding against my chest, a wave of cold sweat swept through my body, and although I was seated, I could feel my knees noodling. I thought I was going to die on the metal bench with an oily box of garlic fries on my lap. After the longest two minutes of my life, I felt better and resumed eating my fries and laughing with friends. But inside I was scared shitless. What had just happened? When I got home, I spent hours on imdb.com coming up with a self-diagnosis. The conclusion? It must have been heartburn from the garlic fries. But the next day, it happened again. This time in my moot court class. And again the following day. I was driving on the freeway when the my heart suddenly went into overdrive. I couldn't breathe and my vision blurred and cars started spinning. I quickly exited and for the next year, I only took surface streets. The following week, I got an EKG (it was normal) and a complete blood work (normal). The doctor said I had an anxiety disorder most likely triggered by the stress of law school. Great. One and a half more years of coping with faux heart attacks.

The anxiety took its toll on me. I lost weight. I developed a mild case of agoraphobia as I dreaded social outings in fear I would have an attack in front of friends. I once left a restaurant mid-meal because I couldn't deal with the crowd and the noise. Travelling was out of the question as I feared planes. I developed tension headaches because I was perpetually clenching my jaws. A few times, I was awakened in the middle of the night by panic attacks and I'd slump over in bed shaking and crying until sheer exhaustion took me back to slumber. Nobody knew what I was going through. I hid it from everyone as I didn't want anyone to make a big deal about it. But it was a big deal. And I wasn't just hiding from them. I was hiding from life.

I refused to take medication as I needed mental clarity to get through law school. Miraculously, the panic attacks and all the other symptoms went away after I passed the bar. That's also when I started exercising relentlessly. Passing the bar locked out the attacks but cardio and yoga opened the door to a new healthy life. And that's when the sprinting started. Four parties in one night? Why not. Impromptu trips? Let's do it. I've been dashing from one experience to another eager to make up for lost time. Sleep? No way. I wanted to be awake and to live.

But then something can come along...something as small as enjoying a peaceful and perfect nap on an overcast Sunday afternoon to cause a re-shifting of priorities. Perhaps it's time to slow my roll. To stop and smell the peonies. To enjoy more naps! After all, I've more than made up for lost time. Perhaps it's time to flip to a new chapter instead of being suspended in time trying to rewrite the past.

Thanks for sharing that personal story! I'm so happy for you that you passed the bar and the panic attacks have stopped. I think that while it's good that you became spontaneous, it also feels so good to sometimes do nothing. So yeah, smell the peonies haha

So great of you to share your experience! I've had panic attacks on and off for years and I completely understand how terrifying and debilitating they can be. It definitely takes work to work through them and get past them, but happy to hear you're taking a new perspective that's been helpful! xo