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We have been working on our marriage almost 3 years. My BH found out about a 4 year affair I had with my college bf. By the time he had found the affair was over for about 7 months. There has been absolutely no contact since then. He found out via a text when the OM text to see how I was and possibly meet for coffee. During the affair we met about 18 times, 8 times were intimate and the others were for coffee, or dinner when he was in my area. The first year was truly agonizing for us, especially my BH because I hurt him beyond belief. We have done intensive MC and the last year we have tapered off to every 2 months but our lives continue to be an emotional rollercoaster. I am totally remorseful and have tried to do everything he needs and asks for as well as what our MC suggests. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary in May. We have had many good times but there continues to be dark days as well. My BH believes I have not told him everything. But I have. I am willing to take a lie detector tests but realize they may not be 100% accurate. I love my husband and would do anything to help him get thrue this. Does anyone have experience with taking this test and would it even help? What else can I do to possibly help him trust me? I don't think it is possible for me to be any more transparent than I have been these last 3 years...

Me, FWW 54
BH 55
DDay9/7/11
Married 25 years
2 kids-22 and 20
Together-trying so very hard to R

[This message edited by sososry at 5:46 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

sososry

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2014

rachelc♀ 30314Member # 30314

Posted: 4:32 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014

What else can I do to possibly help him trust me?

take the test.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Take action to change what needs changing. Take action to respond to your situation. Let the discouragement take ca

Posts: 6414 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest

authenticnow♀ 16024Member # 16024

Posted: 4:46 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014

Hi and welcome to SI.

I took the test after two rounds of TT (trickle truth). My BH insisted on it as a condition of R. While it didn't solve all the problems, it was a huge tool in our moving forward. Like I said, it's definitely not a cure-all, just another tool that will hopefully help your BH.

Have you talked to your BH about your taking one? What are his thoughts?

Happiness is an inside job. ---William Arthur Ward

Posts: 40906 | Registered: Sep 2007

Rebreather♀ 30817Member # 30817

Posted: 4:50 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014

I agree with the others. Take the test. Your willingness to do so should help him.

In reality, you cheated on him longer than you've been in recovery. It takes TIME for us betrayed spouses to line those kinds of facts up. Taking a proactive step like the test could be a good stepping stone for you.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6831 | Registered: Jan 2011

sososry♀ 44075Member # 44075

Posted: 5:01 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014

Yes, I have told him I will take it. He is afraid I will lie and then it will be over. There is nothing left to lie about. I think my BH knows more about the other man more than I ever did (he met with him numerous times and talked to him on the phone after he found out) I did Start out TT and of course that made it much worse. But finally, during our first year of counselling he knows all the details that I can remember as accurately as I can remember. I read somewhere if you get to the point of having to take a lie detector test its probably over and you should save your money...but I will take the test.

sososry

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2014

authenticnow♀ 16024Member # 16024

Posted: 5:31 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014

. I read somewhere if you get to the point of having to take a lie detector test its probably over and you should save your money

Some might say the same thing about cheating. That's a personal decision.

Your BH's fears are understandable. My BH couldn't have me take one unless he knew that if I was lying he would be okay with what he had to do next.

That shouldn't be a problem since you won't be lying.

Happiness is an inside job. ---William Arthur Ward

Posts: 40906 | Registered: Sep 2007

Rebreather♀ 30817Member # 30817

Posted: 5:33 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014

I read somewhere if you get to the point of having to take a lie detector test its probably over and you should save your money

I think that kind of "wisdom" comes from people who have never been though this.

What kind of IC has your husband done? The comment about you lying and needing to be done concerns me. I'd hope by now he'd be ok with that outcome.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6831 | Registered: Jan 2011

wheredoigo♀ 42327Member # 42327

Posted: 1:21 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014

I took one for my BS after a second DDay a little over a year from our anti-versary. (I had two AP's back to back, but only told him about the first one because I was afraid he'd leave me if he found out more).

I gave him a full disclosed timeline before the actual polygraph and, like you, was terrified of the test's accuracy. After all, everything in my and my BH's future relied on it working!

My advice? Go. Be truthful. Your BS needs to know that you are being completely honest so that he can not feel like he's in limbo land. Limbo is hell (as I learned quickly by having to wait a day for the poly results). Give your BS whatever he needs. This doesn't mean it's over, it means that your BS is looking for ground to stand on so he can try and feel some closure on his doubt with what you've told him.

Best of luck.

1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 36
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest

industriousbee♀ 41324Member # 41324

Posted: 4:54 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

I was ready to D when my WH refused a polygraph. He finally took it and passed. We went with the UTAH method which has one of the highest accuracy rates. I now feel capable of R.