I read sicktomy 's post from the other day and I have a similar question. Over this past weekend we had discussed a real nice dinner and she hinted about an expensive ring she wanted. Well the last couple days have been more angry and she said that our anniversary is not a special day. No reason to celebrate it. So she doesn't want to do anything, do I give her the ring and card I wrote or save it until we are hopefully in a better place?

WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013

unforgivable5♂ 38797Member # 38797

Posted: 12:12 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013

Btw, our anniversary is today

WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013

Zayda1♀ 35387Member # 35387

Posted: 12:29 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013

That is a tough one. I'm almost a year out and I change my mind daily (heck even hourly). I honestly don't know how I'm going to react on our anniversary (I'm Sicktomy's BW).

All I can say is take a chance. Show her how much you love her. Give her the card to test the waters and take it from there. Days like this are just as confusing for us BS's.

Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (8 years & 5 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 472 | Registered: Apr 2012

numb&dumb♂ 28542Member # 28542

Posted: 12:50 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013

Honestly, at a little over a month she may not be very receptive to an extravagant gift.

I'm sorry to say, but to a BS that is still raw, there is no way to handle this that doesn't at best result in a trigger.

However if she mentioned it and you use it as an opportunity to show her that you are listening to her wants/needs it might go OK.

The problem it might have been OK on the day she said it today may be altogether different.

You need to push back and assure her that your anniversary IS special. You two together are special. Buy her the ring, flowers, and whatever else you can. Then MAKE THE DAY SPECIAL.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013

tired girl♀ 28053Member # 28053

Posted: 1:17 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013

Going to have to disagree with the previous poster. Do not push back at her. Let her determine the pace here. You have already made enough decisions for her life that she had no input on. She gets to decide on this. Ask her what her needs are on this, communicate with her. That is your best bet. Good luck today, it isn't easy, but you can do it.

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5446 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az

badchoice♂ 35566Member # 35566

Posted: 1:22 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013

I agree with TG

You have already made enough decisions for her life that she had no input on.

Ask her what her needs are on this, communicate with her.

This ^^

Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D

Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.

unforgivable5♂ 38797Member # 38797

Posted: 1:39 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013

Once again thanks for the advice. I am truly grateful for this site and all of you. I may be lost, but you all are helping light the way

WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013

Lucky2HaveMe♀ 13333Member # 13333

Posted: 3:07 PM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013

I would caution - do not give the ring if there is ANYTHING that hasn't been disclosed yet.

My H gave me a new ring - a symbol of our new beginning - problem was, he hadn't stopped lying yet.

I had to give the ring back and tell him to give it back to me only if/when he meant it.

ETA: I wasn't ready to really celebrate our anniversary until this year - and that's 7 years later. You can't rush the healing.

When our anniversary rolled around 11 months after DD, I told my FWH that our M was dead because he killed it and there was no anniversary to celebrate. I told him to ignore it as he ignored our last anniversary one month before DD which was the first time he ever had done that. I was still hurting because he spent our day talking and texting OW. He ignored me, no card and no gift. I dared him to do anything for our anniversary ever again. I meant it but I also expected him to do something or else that would piss me off too. He was in a no win situation. He ignored me and celebrated our anniversary. I am glad he did. If he hadn't it would have crushed me. However.......I was still hurting over being ignored on our last anniversary so I gave him a hard time. He was damned if he did but more damned if he didn't. You know your BW better than we do. Follow your heart and you will make the right choice.

I would like to hear how the anniversary went. I origianlly posted about this topic a couple weeks ago as you mentioned at the beginning. Our anniversary is not for another few weeks but due to scheduling issues with babysitting we are going to go out to dinner, a movie and have a childless night the weekend prior. BS has said nothing else unless I it's flowers or chocolate. (Chocolate never misses). Still don't know how our actual anniversary day will be.

Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12