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Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Ke11y 4 P0P3.

Finally in this age of unending austerity, a job has come up. And
the ‘Meeja’ (correct pronunciation) have gone mental. Pope Benedict XVI
has handed in his notice. Collected his P45. And is off to spend time with...
well not his family, but whoever Pope’s want to spend their time with. A new
puppy maybe - see I didn't say Choirboys like you expected.

The big news isn't just that for once there is finally one job
vacancy on the European continent. But, more worryingly, that the world’s
direct hotline to the almighty is currently unattended. Much speculation will
now ensue about who will succeed Old Benny in putting on a lovely frock
and becoming head of the world’s smallest, and most crime ridden (fact), state.

But who can fill the cassock? Who apart from every theology
graduate, ex-miner and reality TV contestant in the land, have applied? Well
the world’s press is quite literally wetting themselves, trying to answer just
those questions: camping outside the houses of anyone who has been within 50
yards of a church within the last 6 months. At the moment the front-runners
according to the so called ‘bookies’ (as the blood sucking bastards are
affectionately known) are:

Cardinal Wolsey (deceased) - 16/4

Cardinal Sins - 100/1

Colonel Sanders (also deceased) - 7/5

Dawn French - 1/-1 (fav)

Charlotte Church - 0.1/8

Joey Essex- 4/1

Stephen Fry - 101/97

Brian Cox - 6.626068 × 10-34 m2 kgs/1

Although
Stephen Fry is expected to be ruled out, after it emerged that God has refused
to speak to Stephen ever since a rather ugly incident during the preliminary
rounds of the 1978 World Student Chess Championships in Cambridge, concerning a
wandering bishop.

Personally,
I’m amazed that one name hasn't come to the fore. Who I hear you think? Ke11y
Fucking Slater. That’s who. Although I might have to get him to modify
that middle name a little if he is to be taken seriously during the Papal
Conclave. Apart from that there is no one in the world better suited to the
role:

Reason #1 (by the way yooof that # means number not hashtag) He
can walk on fucking water! Yes he can. You and I may call it ‘surfing’.
But the way that man does it, it’s holy.

Reason #2 He’s not adverse to the odd miracle. The comeback at
Bells last year was the latest in a career of the miraculous, healing the sick
and turning water into world titles.

Reason #3 With all those trophies, he could handle the Papal
bling.

Reason #4 If Ke11y was Pope then the Sistine Chapel would become a
Kelly Slater Wave Pool. And that would be awesome.