A Power Ranking Of Countries To Move To If Your Politician Doesn’t Win

My parents own a timeshare in Orlando. That means no matter where my adventures take me, I always end up at Disney World for a few days every summer. And you never truly out grow Disney. You just trade in riding teacups and Space Mountain for “drinking around the world” at Epcot.

Last time I was drinking around the world, two things came to mind: One, why doesn’t France serve beer? It’s not actual France, just a cheap imitation in the middle of sweltering hot Florida. Secondly, and most importantly, it made me drunkenly realize I had a chance to try out all the countries I might move to if, God forbid, Hillary Clinton won the election. Sadly, there was no Russian pavilion to collude with at World Showcase. Even thought the election is over, so this article is a day late and a dollar short, here are the final power rankings.

5. Dubai

Not necessarily expected, and to be completely honest I don’t even know if Dubai is a country or just a city. Why would I move to Dubai? Well, have you ever been to Dubai? If you’re reading my shitty articles on this website, probably not, but have you ever seen Dubai? They have solid gold Lamborghinis and pet tigers that piss excellence. They have he tallest building in the world, not because they want it, but because “fuck you, rest of the world.” That’s why. The entire country, or town whatever or it is, make the oh so luxurious Trump tower look like a run down trailer park.

4. Mexico

In the words of Charlie from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” this pick falls under the category of “WILD CARD, BITCHES.” As someone who once ventured to Cancun for spring break, and self-proclaimed Mexican beer wizard, it’s not a place that I wouldn’t mind spending more time in. Granted I know life isn’t all margaritas and gorgeous sorority girls on a trip funded by Daddy’s bank account, chanting “build the wall” after their fifth tequila shot of the morning. Eventually, you have to settle down and return to the “real world,” which I imagine still involves drinking Coronas on the beach. Maybe a cartel gets involved once in a while, but hey, sounds like that keeps life exciting.

3. Canada

Here it is, the generic cop out option. Chosen for it’s convenience and close proximity, Canada is the destination of choice for the American voter and liberal celebrity who’s disgruntled on social media. I mean, why go out and actually vote when you can just tweet angrily “moving to Canada” after an election? Canada didn’t sound so bad at first, after all the beer and the hockey seem to flow freely. There’s one big problem though: I don’t do cold. I’m not so much of a “bundle up in snow and negative 30-degree weather” kind of guy as I am a “sit on a beach in half opened Hawaiian shirt as my dad bod gut hangs out” type of guy. You feel me?

2. Italy

The motherland! Okay, I’m personally biased for this one. After all, I’m basically Italian royalty over there. What’s not to love about Italy? Great wine, beautiful scenery, delicious food, and gorgeous women. Why get drunk at a bar when you could black out at the fucking coliseum? Let me tell you, Mediterraneans do it better, definitely. Sitting on Lake Como, smoking a cigar with my new neighbor George Clooney sounds like paradise, even if Italy is still a part of the European Union that’s sinking faster than the Titanic.

1. The United States

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. America, whoever wins, is still the greatest country in the world so we’d just be idiots if we made the empty threat of leaving it. America, whether it’d be Hilary or Trump in the White House, is still Star Spangled Awesome. More importantly, most of the people saying they’d leave the country couldn’t even move out of their parents’ house after graduation, so I doubt they’d move out of the country. Stay here and tough it out. I promise you’ll survive, and vote for someone else in four years..

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.