Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Endangered Specious: Save The Messengers!

According to an article forwarded to me by a number of readers, bike messengers in Seattle are becoming extinct. In fact, there are only 50 to 75 messengers left. Apparently the damage isn’t just limited to small, damp, entry-level cities either. The article also says that New York has lost over a thousand messengers since 2000. That’s over 100 messengers a year. And while that would explain who’s staffing all the Starbucks and American Apparel stores that have been sprouting up over that time, it doesn’t explain the increasing number of people riding track bikes around the city all day with messenger bags and U-locks. The only explanation I can come up with is that some of them are not messengers at all, but are just people who dress like messengers and don’t have jobs. But that seems highly unlikely to me. After all, who would dress like something they’re not?

Now I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t want to live in a world without bicycle messengers. As we saw from yesterday’s post, smugness is the life’s blood of our culture, and the unique brand of smugness exuded by messengers is one that will surely be missed. It’s an absence we’d feel almost as acutely as the stench of their dreadlocks. There’s a special sense of entitlement that comes from delivering parcels on a bicycle for little pay that you just don’t get from any other profession, and if you take away any one of those three elements the magic is gone. They even have their own world championship, just like singlespeeders, facial hair enthusiasts, baristas, and lumberjacks. (Granted, you could easily merge all five of those championships into one or two, given the overlap in interests and tastes among the participants, but still.) As such, it’s essential that we preserve their vital way of life

But how? I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “I’m just one person. What can I do to save these fragrant, conceited, fashion-forward delivery people?” Well, if there’s one thing we all should have learned from the plant-schlepping fixed-gear rider yesterday, it’s that every little bit counts. Here are just a few things you can do to help save our newest endangered species:

Siphon Resources From The Company You Work For

If you work in an office for a large company, there’s a constant trickle of money that you can re-direct into the deserving pocket of a bike messenger. How? Messenger stuff unnecessarily! For example, every day people waste millions of man-hours instant messaging each-other during business hours. While you’re burning your employer’s money you might as well help out a starving messenger too. Instead of IMing, just messenger Post-It notes back and forth. Your average exchange with a friend about what you had for lunch, how stupid your boss is, or how much your new underwear itch is good for at least twelve messenger round-trips. And that’s money he can spend on essentials like food, rent, and tattoo time.

Breed Messengers in Captivity

Almost every day a new species is added to the endangered species list. However, every so often a species comes back from the brink and is taken off the list, saved by the measures that were taken to protect it. One such measure is rearing the animal in captivity and releasing it into its natural habitat. Hey, it worked for the peregrine falcon, and it can work for messengers too. Messengers are easy to care for. All they need is food, beer, pot, and a dry place to sleep. And there is no more rewarding feeling than that of hacking a messenger into the wild. You’ll cry tears of happiness as you watch him take off down the street, run his first red light, and knock over his first senior citizen. It’s more moving than the end of “Free Willy.”

Adopt-a-Courier

Are you a wealthy person with a busy schedule? Do you maintain a veneer of environmental awareness even though your guest house has the carbon footprint of a small city? Does the phrase “Mo’ money, mo’ problems” ring true for you? Well, now your mo’ problems can be over! Bike messenger valets are the must-have status accessory for 2008. Just imagine how cool you’ll seem when your personal bike messenger skids to a stop outside the pro shop to pick up your new golf club. Remember—a person is only as cool as his help, and having a personal assistant who drives around town for you in a Jetta is totally 1998.

Start a Grassroots Campaign

As we learned from Levi Leipheimer on Monday, there’s no more effective way of creating a groundswell of support for your dubious cause than by creating a grassroots campaign. As such, it’s absolutely essential that we start one for messengers. The first step is creating an image that people can rally behind. Now, there are people much more qualified than me to do this, but nonetheless I’ve gone ahead and taken a swing at it:

There’s a lot of room for improvement here, but I think it’s a good start. Granted, the messenger does look like Rik Ocasek on his way to an aerobics class, but I think the neon cross he’s bearing in place of his bag is a potent symbol for the martyr complex borne by so many couriers. I also think with a little effort we can make the plight of the messenger the “Save the Whales” of this century.

I must say that I found yesterdays comment bonanza to be a treasure trove of mean spirited retardation, and I loved every minute of it. It was a well deserved cyber dog-pile on the insufferable cone of smugness. Bike Snob, once again you have proven that under your somewhat rough-hewn and cranky exterior lies a heart filled with quiet rage and intolerance. Good times, good times.

Thanks Snob, you are spearheading a movement that should have been implemented long ago. And by long ago I mean in the 1980's when messengers were made completely obsolete by the fax machine.

Wait, they didn't?!? They survived?!? Surely the Digital Age will be their demise though. Surely they won't be able to escape.....EMAIL!!!!

Also, check out the comments section on that article, the Autocentric Haters are coming out in a big way! I also convinced a lawyer that he was wrong! On the internet! If people start admitting they're wrong on the internet I think it's the internet that may become extinct!

The only explanation I can come up with is that some of them are not messengers at all, but are just people who dress like messengers and don’t have jobs. But that seems highly unlikely to me. After all, who would dress like something they’re not?

Who would do this? Only the entire populace of Brooklyn (and maybe a few residents of Seattle and PDX).

My lab is actually collaborating with scientists at U Wash on this problem, the math doesn't work out and we can't figure out the reason for this mass extinction.

We are currently drugging messengers and attaching radio collars to watch their movements in Seattle between coffee shops and public bathrooms, or shit closets, so far we have learned it takes a lot of drugs to down one of these creatures. I send Jim in to put on the collar, as he is highly trained at resisting the stink and urban messenger culture attitude.

We recently met up with other scientists at the 2008 LOSERCON meeting in San Francisco to discuss the data. Satellite imagery shows a steady migration to offices and shops, leading to the "Real Job hypothesis", which is controversial, since most messengers are proven f-ing useless off a bike and tattoos are too expensive to remove from the face.

Other theories include a large migration to moving jobs in New York, coincident with a lethal smugness virus spread through bong-to-bong transfer, or transfer through socks worn under sandals.

Yet other theories blame a large meteor that hit Seattle in 2002, but no one cared enough to confirm it. A third theory emerges from a patchouli shortage in 2002-2004, forcing migration eastward. Data was unfortunately contaminated by messengers attempting to use the tracking radios to play Phish MP3s.

Current best hypothesis is that the original data was flawed in the 1990s, there were too many poseurs riding around on Pistas with $800 Prada messenger bags contaminating the data set, thus the real numbers have not changed. This mimicry of species for competitive advantage is similar to that reported by Darwin in the Galapagos in finches.

(This research is funded by the State of New York in an effort to keep it's wild indigenous species intact, or Help Indigenous Peoples Preservation in York. My group is a recipient of a HIPPY grant)

As a former messenger I think that all the electronic advancements will help separate the wheat from the chaff. The only thing more annoying than a posenger is a posenger who actually gets a job as a messenger and sucks at it.

However, it's an acceptable byproduct of being in a profession that became cool by accident (but has unfortunately become very self-consciously cool). I'm sure that a good number of the blog commenters who frequent this comment section would be overjoyed if commenting on blogs suddenly became viewed as dangerous and sexy. They'd be even more thrilled if their real jobs put them in a position where they were actually admired by passerby instead of ignored as the forgettable, bureaucratic office dweller they probably are.

I suppose being an office dweller isn't in itself a bad thing. But the number of misty-eyed, elevator confessions I've heard from folks who wished for nothing more than to walk away from the office and jump on their bike has led me to the conclusion that the overwhelming majority of people in these jobs are sad and desperate. If this is you, then quit already and look for something a little more gratifying. I'd recommend something dangerous and sexy because it sure beats lonely and misanthropic anyday.

If you'd like to adopt me as your personal messenger, please send paypal to freeganbikepunk (at) yahoo.com and I will write dangerous and sexy tales of my gritty lifestyle for you to live vicariously through.

Sorry BSNYC, but the image you created is seriously flawed. Not only does the front wheel have too many spokes, but none of them appear to be made of plastic. In addition the handlebars are all weird and curvy, and there appears to be a derailleur.

We use messengers at work, I became good friends and even rode a couple of times with one of the regulars. Then the scooter craze hit, the hairy top lipped receptionist at the time( AKA Jabba the c_nt) hated our regular messngers and began using an outfit that only used non english speakng vespa pilots or mentally challenged ex cons that walk everywhere.

The only explanation I can come up with is that some of them are not messengers at all, but are just people who dress like messengers and don’t have jobs. But that seems highly unlikely to me. After all, who would dress like something they’re not?

You pegged the Sarcasometer. Nice setup then knocked it out of the park.

And when that World Beard Championship website loaded I recoiled and about fell off my chair. Freaky stuff.

Indeed, a job now about as useful as the Maytag repairman. Oh sweet irony, as the fakenger fad increases the job disappears.

And with it the big paychecks of yesteryear. In the late 90's I was pulling $2500+ net/month.

There is nothing glamorous about it. I'll agree that most messengers are completely useless off the bike. Even a ditch digger can be employable when he quits, an ex-enger would be lucky to fill the ditch digger's spot.

Yeah, laugh all you want about the disappearance of the messengers, but the fact is that the global average temperature dropped .75 degrees celsius last year. Coincidence? I think not. The 75% reduction in messengers and their urban Ganja incineration is strongly correlated with a reversal in the global warming trend, though it appears that global climate change continues unabated, so at least we didn't get rid of that crisis.

If you really want to save the Earth from warming, or to at least continue last year's cooling trend, let's cut down on mass Ganja burns. Join with me as we work to ban Rusted Root and Widespread Panic, and to outlaw unassociated Deadheads looking for a new jam band to follow around the country as a last-ditch defense against having to grow up and get a job. Some Global Warming / Cooling deniers would say that banning the Deadheads is unnecessary, that we can just take away their rolling papers and accomplish the same thing, but admit it, you'd enjoying banning the hippies.

*No electrons were harmed in the drafting of this comment, though some quarks may have been flavored.

there are kids running around on track bikes with messenger bags and u locks out of thier back pocket, they even take the extra step to aquire a phone of some sort on thier chrome bags. denver is lame like that. The messenger population in denver is about 20, and all of them feel increasingly threatened by these look-alikes. I simply ride my bike around and ive been hissed at by messengers. They have even started to mark thier territories by pissing on the places they deliver to. its out of control here.

It's great when the anonymii coalesce into one cohesive unit of thought. I consider myself the metaphorical shit that internet flies stick to.

Either that, or your long-ass comment sucked. Which seems more likely? And perhaps the "eat shit" comment was directed at BSNYC, since, you know, this is his blog and he wrote the article we're all making comments about.

Snob, this may be the funniest thing you've ever written. It might be really funny to me because you're more or less directly making fun of me. I'm a wannabe messenger that lives in Seattle. I want somebody to let me skid into golf pro shops and pick up clubs for them so bad. I'm applying tomorrow.

Daniel? said... Either that, or your long-ass comment sucked. Which seems more likely? And perhaps the "eat shit" comment was directed at BSNYC, since, you know, this is his blog and he wrote the article we're all making comments about.

Wannabes get no respect from real gs on the street. They are laughed at. Rival gangs will hurt them just cuz they want to be part of another gang. They get no protection. They are basically just jokes. If its a town where everyone is a wannabe that claims then they dont gotta worry about being hurt but they are still laughed at by others. they look at act stupid and ppl that have no knowledge of gangs can spot a wannabe

Hey, Maybe we should all get together and shoot a nice smug Save The Bike Messengers video ala We are the World. We can post it up on you tube and let people rip it apart for how off pitch we all were. No?

Hey are there any lawyers in/on here? Regardless, I'm curious as to what other professions are represented here by the commenting population. Anyone? Anyone wish to share? C'mon, step up to the proud podium of non-mess working stiffs and declare what you "do."Even just to entertain...

Let people roll up their pants and ride if they want, who cares how they look?. At least they are not hurting anyone. There is a lot of ugly shit out there that folks should be outraged by. Dorks on bikes is nothing!

My favourite bit about the messenger mystique is how a group of people whose job it is to make sure corporate clients run as smoothly as possible morphs into an anarcho-punk counterculture thing. Messengers are as counterculture as working at Kinko's.M Burdge

Yeah, being a courier really boils down to being a corporate whore. But after some years of experience, you are bound to go independent and deliver some real service to 'the customers'. This is where things get counter-culture. Anarchism is mostly about self-sufficiency and freedom. Running your own service is all about that. Think about it. I'd rather see fifty of the like than big express courier corporations employing a thousand 'pushies' for minimum wage.

The main advantage of a messenger bag is that it's easy to swing around and reach in and out of without taking it off. Obviously this is something messengers need to be able to do. But if you're just going from A to B there are much more stable and comfortable ways to carry stuff on your body while riding.

Let me guess, your some rich guy who's back up wheel set is some Dura Ace carbon bullshit? And your winter/training wheels are Rolf Vigors. Sitting in the back of your unlocked rich guy car. Because your some pansy racer who does the southend loop on the weekends to get your mind off of your practice. Can't wait 'til seward park when your busy being the best domestic you can be while I'm playing Robin Hood of the cycling world.

Snob: your understanding of the messenger world makes me think you might be an ex-enger yourself, no?

Oh, I should have known. :) I almost told you to go back to 1007 Boat St, but then again I don't call out a business for ridicule on the internet. Who knows, maybe we'll have a finish line beer after the Brad.

To all the fashionistas who mistakenly hate on their biking brethren: Messenger bags have greater uses than transporting portfolios a quarter mile; sorry, it's just a matter of form proceeding function. Stuffing two loads of laundry every sunday, cramming fifty pounds of groceries with a baguette out the back,showing up to BYOB events with two twelve packs and a bottle of jameson so that friends will not want...that's what makes the messenger bag world go 'round. So quitcherbitchin, look up from your laptops and maybe, just maybe wave hello to the folks who ride thirty plus miles a day out of necessity. Can you do that? Can you (if this is you) get off your sugino laden high horse, and remember that brakes or no brakes, we all get hit by cars. Love in ATX, ya'll.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!