10 Occupational Hazards Of Being a Bookworm

Everyone blathers on about how good it is to be a bookworm. But who stops to caculate the costs?! The damages?! THE DANGER?!

“You get to live a thousand lives!” they say. “You experience whole new worlds!” they chirp. And it’s all sunshine and rainbow cupcakes. WELL. NO IT’S NOT.

Being a bookworm is actually a hazardous occupation and sometimes just downright scary.

But it’s okay! Do not panic too much. I have a list here (as I almost always do on this blog) of occupational hazards a bookworm might face, which will (helpfully) aid you in knowing whether you should take the risk and read books. I will keep nothing from you, I promise.

1. PAPER CUTS

Bleeding out because of a book with bloodlust issues is a REAL THREAT. Plus what if you read alone?! There’ll be no one to a) rescue your book from bloodstains, and b) maybe possibly tourniquet your appendage so you don’t die. Which leads me to…

2. ELECTROCUTION

This is totally similar to my eReader predictions.

Okay, say you decide to avoid paper cuts and use an eReader? What if you read a sad book and cry on it and then electrocute yourself? What if you drop it in the bath? It’s so risky to be a reader, honestly.

3. SUFFOCATION WHEN YOUR ENORMOUS TBR FALLS ON YOU AND YOU CAN’T GET OUT.

You know that pile of 134 odd books you’ve been meaning to read?! WHAT IF IT FALLS ON YOU! What if you have a book over you face and you smother?

4. BEING FLATTENED LIKE A PROVERBIAL PANCAKE WHEN A BOOKSHELF FALLS ON YOU

My bookshelf, wisely, is bolted to the wall. I have taken precautions! I have done the research on the odds of death-by-bookshelf! I AM PREPARED. Are you prepared? Have you risked standing beside your bookshelf recently and considered life as a 2D pancake after you get squished?

5. TREES RISING UP DURING THE APOCALYPSE AND COMING TO RECLAIM THEIR BROTHERS.

They ain’t gonna be happy, is all I’m saying. After all, that bookshelf? It’s full of dead trees. And everyone knows (well, the people who’ve read Narnia or Lord of the Rings) that the trees are only sleeeeeping. I’m pretty sure the apocalypse is either going to involve a) zombies or be) humanised trees. When they come for avenge on their fallen brothers, tattooed with the language of the humans, those trees are going to be cranky. We could die. I’m just sayin’.

6. BACK STRAIN

This is mildly less life-threatening then the others, I admit! But if you’ve ever tried to carry 57380 library books or school books or text books (those things are printed in pages of stone, I’m sure) then you KNOW that back strain is no myth.

7. BRAINCELLS EXPLODING DUE TO FEELS OR CLIFFHANGERS OR PLOT TWISTS, OR OTHER SUCH BOOKISH TORTURE

Never let anyone convince you the threat is not real for this one. IT IS. IT CAN HAPPEN. And authors aren’t exactly kind when it comes to the all-too-popular torture of cliffhangers. They want to see us reduced to snivelling messes. And plot twists? Epic, incredible, intricately woven plot twists?!! They can cause sheer combustion.

8. TOO MUCH KNOWLEDGE = GARGANTUAN AMOUNTS OF ANGUISH

When one reads a lot of books, it become so hard to socialise with mere mortals. They just don’t know things like bookworms do. They don’t understand the references! They don’t see how that speck of sand relates to your favourite ship! THEY DON’T PAUSE TO R.I.P A DEAD CHARACTER ON THEIR DEATHLY ANNIVERSARY. This equates in bookworms a) losing braincells, b) losing hair, c) losing sanity and d) needing so much more chocolate than the rest of the world.

9. BEING SUPER POOR AND HAVING TO LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX BECAUSE ALL THE BOOKS HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR HOUSE AND THEREFORE YOU DIE OF HYPOTHERMIA.

I’m sure this has happened before. I’m absolutely positive. (And if not, that’s kind of disappointing because this is a totally creative demise.) But books are super expensive. Sure $12 isn’t much to spend for the first book, but have you heard of SERIES?! Plus books take up so much space. It’s very easy to relinquish control of your room. Next, the whole house goes and you’re lying in the cold outside — dying.

10. THE FACT THAT YOUR FINGERPRINTS ARE ALL OVER THE BOOKS, SO, IF YOU HAPPEN TO MURDER SOMEONE, YOU’LL HAVE TO BURN YOUR BOOKS OR BE EASILY CONVICTED AND THIS IS NOT A FUN CHOICE, OKAY?! NOT AT ALL.

I’m covering all bases here, okay, peoples? If you love books, career options can dramatically decrease! So much evidence. And would we burn books? UM, HOW ABOUT NO.

-~-

So is being a bookworm worth the risk? It’s hard to say. You can laugh about these still occupational hazards now, but when you get squished by your ginormous TBR, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

so clearly my points are all valid and highly likely to happen. but add to my list! what are the other dark and gloomy parts about being a bookworm?! what hazards have you encountered? do you think a tree apocalypse is imminent?!! is being a bookworm worth the hazards?!!!! as much as it pains me to say…it totally is, and there’s no going back.

Thanks to this post, I am now taking extra care in not standing too close to my bookshelves *eyes suspiciously*
I want to each pancakes, not become one!
Entertaining (and yet highly informative) post as always Cait, you never disappoint 🙂

This list right here is one of the reason why you Cait are without a doubt one of my all time favourite book bloggers/ bookish people. If I didn’t have Caitlyn, responsibilities and you know lots of money, I would happily fly to your homeland to sit and converse with you about books, just to hear the funny things you come out with because you are bloody hilarious.

However, I do think that you made very valid points haha (my favourite being the trees being asleep, because we all know that is a possibilities, as much as zombies and everything else). I don’t really have much to add to the list because I agree with them all, I did go out yesterday with the ball and chain and the little one and intended on finally getting Saint Anything by Sarah Dessen, a book I have needed for far too long, only to go into Waterstones and WHSmith (not sure if you have them over there) and not find it, this is because for some unknown reason they have been delayed in getting to he shops (it came on on the 5th). So while I can come home and order it online and wait for it to get here, nothing prepared me for the overwhelming disappointment that I felt when I couldn’t take it home there and then and finally kick myself out of my book slump. (the man in the shop looked at me funny when I was upset they didn’t have it, and just told me to order it on Amazon. I DON’T WANT TO WAIT FOR IT!!). Not having books, when you’ve been waiting for a long time can be bad for your relationship too because if you are like me, you go into a moody shell when you know you should have it but don’t :(.

Is all of it worth it to visit different place or live thousands of lives, of course but at times I’m not so sure. Being an avid reader isn’t just as easy as someone enjoying to read, you have to sacrifice a lot and others just don’t get that. (thankfully after 6 years my other half has finally started to understand that its not just a hobby but a consuming need to read).

*sniffles because of loveliness of this comment* WELL. LEMME JUST HUG YOU AND CALL IT A DAY, YES. I’m not nearly as hilarious in rela life, I promise. Although, on occasion, I deliver great one-liners and have my family groan at me. I’m the master of the awful pun. *nods sagely*

OMG. I UNDERSTAND THAT ABOUT THE BOOK. For starters, a) it’s awful to have plans interrupted, especially when they’re really GOOD plans, and b) going anywhere with small children is incredibly hard work. I take my preschooler niece and nephew to the library and OMG. I basically go home and take a nap afterwards. They’re little energy monsters. I’m sure they suck it from nearby adults.

GIVE ME YOUR CREATIVITY. And ugh, back strain is probably the leading cause of death in bookworms. Or at least, neck pain. Sometimes, I blame the chairs, and other times the table is so low, and I can’t comfortably hold my book.

I want to thank you for brightening my day because this post it just pure brilliance! I literally just laughed our loud (snort included) in my office which resulted in a lot of strange looks from my co-workers, and my boss busting me for being on your blog and not actually doing my work!
What a great idea for a post! I’m always going on about all the trees we are killing with the various things we print/photocopy in work, but I’ve never even considered all the trees that were killed to make my books. It’s kinda hard to feel guilty though because they are just so good!
I must admit, I have only ever feared a Zombie Apocalypse and I am sooooo not prepared for a tree Apocalypse! Many thanks for the warning, I will go an prepare my Tree Apocalypse Survival Kit now! 🙂

Oh, what a good laugh I had!
I especially like the idea of tree-pocalypse. I mean, it’s so unrealistic, it’s possible. Oh, my, that’s what the “Green Fairytale” is all about (it’s a fairytale by a Latvian author, naturally, in Latvian, about how the trees get pissed of by people polluting forests so they come in the city and umm kind of kill cars and other polluting stuff, I think, I don’t remember that well anymore, lol, will have to reread :D).
And I honestly sometimes have the irrational fear of bookshelves falling, not that mine are extremely full or that there are enormous TBR piles around (which isn’t the case, how sad). So yeah. You’ve made some hilarious and somewhat valid points.
Bookworms, beware! 😀
Great post!

I don’t think it’s particularly scary, overall, but it can probably be read as a cautionary tale.
As for finding it. I think that might not be easy. As far as I know, it hasn’t been translated in English. Okay, just did some ‘googling’ 😀 Some of the fairytales (there are a bunch for different colours) have been translated and even narrated, but the page is not available. There seems to be no official English translation for them, but, supposedly they have been translated in Italian, French and German.
Oh, some more ‘googling’ and I found the Green tale narrated in English: http://soundcloud.com/colourtales/04-green-colour-tales-imants
Overall, it’s Zaļā pasaka (i.e. Green tale/fairytale) by Imants Ziedonis from his fairytale collection Krāsainās pasakas (Colour Tales).
And I didn’t even know the tales have been translated and even narrated 😀 Thanks for inadvertently making me look this up.

Since you’ve gone in points, I will say some of stuff I loved about this post in points too :D.

– “being flattened like a pancake when a bookshelf falls on” is actually one of my secret phobias. Idea? Place a chunky book-series at the bottom shelf and lots of random boxes in front of the shelf, then the likelihood of it falling is lessened, and also there is less room for you to sit at the bottom of case, and thus endanger yourself. That said. . . my bookcase is right in front of my bed. Ooops.
(I like your idea of sticking your bookcase to the wall. Very sensible of you, Cait.)

– About the papers from your books coming to life, yeah. . . just “don’t talk to it, Merry, don’t encourage it!” :D. I personally wouldn’t mind too much, reading “The Two Towers” and suddenly the pages transforming into ents; I would love to go riding on the back of a giant tree in the Last March of the Ents!

-Back strain? Pish posh! What on earth are you talking about?! *cue sarcasm*

Haha, great list Cait, once again! 😀
I do agree with all of these, put I have to place attention to nm 8 just because THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE STORY OF MY LIFE. Out of my group of close friends, I am the only one who reads (YEAH, IT IS AS TORTUROUS AS IT SOUNDS) and years ago I have started to notice when they start to zone out once I start to talk about books and all the anguish the different ships and opts and all that jazz cause. Good thing is that I have this little (okay kind of big) online community of readers to talk with!

This made me laugh so hard! Honestly, you’re a genius, Cait. I hadn’t even CONSIDERED all of the risks that I was taking which is really not like me at all – I’m such a worry-wart. Totally worth it though. I thought of another one – crying so much that you die of dehydration. I am not a reader who cries (closest I ever came was Heart-Shaped Bruise) but I know some people are so…

A tree apocalypse? Oh God no. How could I beg sentient trees for my life when I can’t speak Latin? I’d be doomed! DOOMED! 😉

I am laughing internally so hard right now. I am most at risk for being suffocated by my ever growing (and never shrinking) TBR pile and for having my brain exploded due to complex plot twists and characters and vast worlds and FEELS. But being a bookworm will always be worth it. Always.

Oh. my. GOODNESS. This is too hilarious, Cait. (Also, you like lists of 10 too much.) I would pay good money for a Dumb Ways to Die trailed based on this, okay? Also, tree apocalypses are on my writing ideas list officially from now on.

All valid points I must admit. However, #8 is by far my biggest worry. SO MUCH PAIN AND HEARTACHE THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD CANNOT FATHOM. We definitely need more chocolate. When you finish taking over the world, you should institute a tax rebate system wherein we receive free chocolate in proportion to the amount of books that we read

When I take over the world books will COME with chocolate. It’ll be like “here, buy a book + a block of chocolate for free” Or better yet, the pages will be made of chocolate so after we read it, we can eat it. It’ll be TRUE internalising of books. Bad for rereads, but pfft, one can’t have everything.

I disagree with number nine. If you have so many books you could either build yourself a HOUSE out of them, and books are very good for insulate, so you would have a nice, warm, cozy, house of books. Or, if you didn’t have quite enough to build a whole house of, you’d still have enough to insulate your cardboard box. And then you would forever be surrounded by your favorite books and you can stroke them and love them any time you wanted instead of having to actually go to your bookshelf.

And the last one,I am actually worried about it now.Given the fact that I have a serial killer alter ego,my books may actually become evidences against me!
Oops,I can’t believe I told that out loud.You won’t turn me in,will you?WILL YOU?:)

Yup. Cancel that application for evilness. *heavy sigh* Although, I guess you could live dangerously and STILL Be the next Moriarty, right?! RIGHT. In the mean time, we must prepare for the treepocolypse.

I constantly worry about being suffocated by my tbr or being flattened by my bookcases-if you saw my room you would see what a hazard it is just to move from bed to door!!! I hadn’t thought of a tree apocalypse before but now I’m really worried about it so that’ll be my new nightmare…*gulps*

THIS IS A BRILLIANT LIST. I laughed out loud at almost every one of them. Being a reader is a dangerous thing. *nods* Another danger–though not quite as serious–is lack of sleep! Because haven’t we all stayed up too late finishing that intense book?

Hahaha, you and your lists Cait. You’re so creative and write hilarious posts. Blogger goals, I say 😀 Being a bookworm is definitely worth the hazards 😀 i can’t really think of more to add to the list. Good job Cait :d

You forgot “Being given the death sentence for gruesome murder if someone is foolish enough to interrupt your reading.” Like, it’s really NOT our fault, right? The world sees things so backwards sometimes!
Also, heart attack from overwhelmable portions of rage when you read “I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding” for the ten millionth time.

I had never thought about it before, but now that you mention it trees do seem like pretty shifty bastards. They’re like the quiet, unassuming type who always ends up being the murderer in mystery novels. I guess they’re just biding their time, and then one day, they will exact their revenge on the hapless bookworms of the world… We are all doomed. This actually reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my friends where we concluded that snails have taken over the world. I believe the phrase “Snail is Obama. Obama is Snail” was used. No we are not stoners.

Can I add the inevitable hazard of dying of heartbreak when your favourite character dies/your bestest ship breaks up/the author does something you don’t like/you realise you are IN LOVE with a fictional character? Because I feel that is equally valid…
Great list Cait – I can always count on you to make me smile!
Beth x

Yes. AGH. Books should relaly come with a help-line for tragic breakups. All the book boys I fall in love with either die, find a better girl, or end up being gay and they break my heart BECAUSE I HAD MY EYE ON THAT BOY AND NOW LOOK WHAT’S GONE WRONG. *petitions for help line*

OH MY GRACIOUS I NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED NUMBER 10 BEFORE. *shrieks* I guess there goes any plans of committing any crimes that involve fingerprints…because the book burning ain’t happening, folks. Um, no.

…Or, you know, I could always wear gloves…hmmm. *considers this*

But seriously, this a wonderful and disturbing list. LIKE I NEEDED MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THANK YOU. At least my bookshelf is really just closet space. So unless the whole closet is falling out of the wall and coming down on top of me, I think I’m okay.

CANCEL YOUR APPLICATION FOR MASS MAYHEM AND DESTRUCTION. You’ll be caught for sure. *sadface* Unless, yes, you wear gloves, constantly. We shall call you the Gloved Murderous Reader and you’ll be renown throughout the universe. *nods*

OF COURSE YOU NEED MORE TO WORRY ABOUT. THIS IS WAHT I’M HERE FOR. Planting doubt and fear. :’)

Oh, such a good list. Some of these are new, but more than half of them haunt my life. There is of course, the one where librarians give you dirty looks because you haven’t been in recently to pick up the 21 books you have on hold and they’re taking up shelf space. Sometimes, I think librarians want to kill me.

Cait, you never fail to make me laugh, and this had done it again! I confess, I had no idea where you were going with it at first, but now, I totally get it. My fear? Bookshelves, god they would hurt if they fell *eyes bookshelves*

Back strain is the BANE of my existence! I can never find a way to make myself comfortable whilst being able to actually read! Same goes for actually having money. I just never have it but somehow I end up with new books! (not complaining but it confuses me)

Ack!!!! *runs around hyperventilating* *composes self* Well, I’m thinking, you know, that we should start selling survival kits for writers. Like, kits that include handy-dandy tourniquets and flame throwers to use as defense against the angry, talking trees. We could also invent tents that suck in heat from the sun to keep us warm at night. And we could wear special reading glasses that evaporate our tears so our e-readers won’t fry us. And I’m sure we could wear gloves while reading, so as to avoid leaving fingerprints. Oh, and we could have nanochips implanted in our brains to hold extra information and to set up a structural integrity field in case our mind threatens to blow. And I’m sure there are other precautions we could take. And somehow, we could all fit that into a handy dandy kits, so…yeah. *nervously eyes book shelf*

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE. I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU. *curls self in burrito of bubble wrap* I’m gonna survive my hobby, I am. We’ve got to go into business, Liz. We shall call it “HOW TO SURVIVE THE TREEPOCOLYPSE WITH LIZ & CAIT”. We’ll write a book and it’ll be a bestseller.

*dances madly* WELL THIS PLEASES ME GREATLY. ^-^ And you have a waterproof ereader?! OMG. YOU ARE PREPARED! Death by heartbreak is totally valid, so is dehydration. Omg. They should go on this list asap. Reading is as dangerous as walking the Sahara, tbh.

I fell asleep while reading on my iPad once. It fell forward onto my face. It hurt. I only read paper books at night time now, just in case.
My current TBR is in the form of a tower made up of about 60ish books, it’s sitting on a side cupboard thing about 1.5m away from my bed. I feel I’m putting my life at risk when I go to bed, as I envision the tower of books crashing down onto my head during the night. It will either kill me or give me a concussion as there are some pretty solid hardcovers in there that are about 700+ pages.

YES ALL THESE THINGS COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN. And good call on the nailing the bookshelf to the wall. That’s the way to go. And yes there are so many times my brain cells have died due to FEELS. AND ALL THE RAGE. The rage really kills me sometimes 😛

Hahah these are totally real issues hun!! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve accidentally sliced my finger open with a page. I’ve nearly died multiple times from an avalanche of books falling on me. I was bruised xD Awesome list!

This is quite possible the most brilliant post I have ever read! And so informative! The only ones I’d ever thought of were numbers 4 (Kinda like Flat Stanley) and 7, but there are /so many/ dangers! *seriously reconsiders her life choices*

Bwhahah this is fabulous! First, I have always said that when the bank takes my house from all my bookish spending, at least there will be a LOT of empty boxes to live in, right? I mean, a mansion really. Until the first downpour, then I guess we’re really screwed. Maybe the papercuts will get me first… Here’s hoping! 😉

Well, you’re awesome and all, but you conveniently failed to mention that there will come a time that some people will be envious of this ARC you recently acquired or that signed/personalized/annotated book you received from a beloved author and THAT CAN BE SERIOUSLY DANGEROUS. There were reports on missing persons because of this. *Shudders.*

Really, though, 3 + 4 = I died. RIP ME. A 2D pancake! You are a genius, you know. And 7 to 10 are FREAKING F’REAL.

Cait this is so hilarious!!! 😀 I LOVE THIS POST. I’m pretty sure one day I’m going to have no more money because all my money has been spent on all the books in the world. And I’ll be that crazy old lazy full of BOOKS sitting in a rocking chair, hahaha.

A TREE APOCALYPSE WOULD BE AWESOME <3 (though frightening, truthfully). If this all happened to me, I'm still willing to be a bookworm because NO, I'M NOT QUITTING 🙂 <3

This post is highly accurate, Cait. Nobody takes you seriously when you say that reading is HAZARDOUS, but little do they know! Paper cuts are incredibly painful and my TBR has fallen on top of me numerous times, but it was smaller then so I should probably be more careful now seeing as it’s worryingly big. *Sigh* The hard life of a bookworm ;D

When I had the glorious idea to buy book shelves for my wall to showcase my pretty books (they make me so happy, I swear), I took precautions and put them up so high I wouldn’t hurt my head every time I sit down on the sofa (they’re above it), BUT I forgot to do that for the smaller shelves because they just look so pretty like they are now, so now every time I sit down in the comfy corner of the couch, I hit my head on the very edge of a wooden board and IT HURTS. If I’m found dead in my room, bleeding out of a head wound, that’s why. READING IS DANGEROUS. I don’t comprehend how people can have hobbies that involve actual moving around and jumping and I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND SPORTS OKAY.

Oh my GOODNESS look what I miss when I fall behind on blog reading? *falls over laughing* You are GOLD Cait. This is 1000% pure awesome hilariousness (I nearly wrote ausome… clearly your country is worming through my brain). I LOVE THIS POST SO MUCH I LITERALLY CANNOT WORD RIGHT NOW.

ALSO. The answer to the final one is simple. WE ALL JUST NEED TO LIVE IN THE ALTERNATE WORLD OF WHITE CAT WHERE WE ALL WEAR GLOVES. (Seriously, how do they find criminals in that story-verse when there are like hardly ever fingerprints??? O_O I only just now thought of this…) IT WOULD MAKE CRIME SO EASY RIGHT. No wonder Cassel and co are so good at crimey things. *nod nod*

My many heavy bookshelves are NOT bolted to the wall. YOU’RE MAKING ME SCARED!! What if they fall on me?!?! I’D SO DIE! It would be a fitting way for me to go, but I’d be gone none the less. Oh dear, now I’m frightened.

I’m so glad someone has finally addressed these issues, we need to raise awareness of the perils that Bookworms face every single day! I myself have been the victim of many a tree stampede, as well as the horrors of back strain and falling bookshelves. But we must battle on!

This is genius! Cait you’ve outdone yourself. My addition would be: becoming a hunch back because of having to sleep in awkward positions to fit the sea of books around your bed. First goes the back, then you become a pariah, then your mom goes to counseling to find where she went wrong. #slipperyslope