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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Still here, doing fine. I had a nice trip to the in-laws' last weekend and a relaxing, laid back Christmas with my family. I had a bit of a breakdown after a family Christmas party a few weeks ago -- on the way home I started thinking of how last Christmas I thought we'd have a baby by now. We didn't even put up our tree this year. Not thinking much about TTC or fertility - just trying to keep busy with some housework and work stuff. I did ovulate last week, but trying not to think about any of this.

I have a history of pretty bad depression and have been on and off meds for a few years. I started Zoloft in the summer, because things had gotten really bad and I was having a lot of trouble functioning. It has made a big difference in my life and makes me feel "normal" again. My RE is aware that I'm taking it and hasn't said anything. I have been thinking that maybe I should stop taking it - I'm concerned that it may interfere with the fertility meds or somehow contribute to my infertility. I need to talk to my doc about it. What do you guys think?

I want to wish all of you a very merry Christmas and happy, healthy new year. This blog has really helped me cope and feel like I'm not alone. Cheers!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I'm hanging in there. No real breakdown, just a general feeling of disappointment and sadness. I have lots of work and Christmas activities to keep me busy. Just trying to "relax," as they say.

Lessons learned from IUI #1:1. All the crazy symptoms were probably the result of the Clomid and HCG.2. Clomid makes me fat, bloated and covered in zits.3.The more people you tell about the IUI, the more people you have to tell that it didn't work.

Goals for this month:1. Start exercising again and try to lose a few pounds. I am at an all-time high right now, weight-wise, and while I'm not what you would call obese, my BMI does classify me as "overweight" and none of my clothes fit.2. Stick to the charting and Chinese medicine this month, and stay the hell off of FertilityFriend boards. They make me a bit crazy.

I had acupuncture last night and, again, my TCM doctor says that she really thinks we can conceive naturally. She compared my charts over the last 3 months and we can see a definite improvement in my temperatures. That gives me some reassurance, though I wish I could just let go and stop obsessing. Thanks to all of you for your kind support - it's greatly appreciated.

It's official - IUI #1 was a failure. Got my period this morning with a vengeance. I was up at the crack of dawn to go to court, so I've kept my mind off it all day, but I'm worried I'll lose it later. Fuck! I'm so, so sick of dealing with this. I feel like my body is betraying me. We'll take a month off for Christmas then maybe another IUI in January.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Things aren't looking too good for this cycle. I tested again this morning and got another BFN, also my temperature dropped quite a bit this morning. Still not below baseline, but I think AF is on her way. I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself at the moment. I know that it's not over yet, but I really think I should have had a positive test by now.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Tested again this morning on an internet cheapie and still BFN. Not even a hint of a line. I have a feeling that this IUI didn't work. My temps are still quite high but have dropped off a bit since the weekend. I guess time will tell.

I got my progesterone number from last Wednesday's test and it was very high - 67.8. She said that it definitely indicates ovulation but too soon to predict pregnancy. The high progesterone level in my system may explain some of these strange symptoms.

I have court on Wednesday morning, so I won't be able to go in for a beta - I'll have to wait till Thursday morning. That will give an extra day for AF to make her appearance before going in for the bloodwork. Ugh, the frustration and uncertainty is killing me!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I broke down and tested this morning, 11DP IUI - BFN! Trying not to be discouraged, as my temps are still high, but I'm starting to get back to reality and realize that this IUI may not have worked. Oh well, it's not over till AF shows her ugly head.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Things just got interesting. I tested this morning and it was straight-up negative (though still too probably early for a positive). But, my temp spiked again and I am having MAJOR cramps today. Also, I'm voraciously hungry and can't stop eating. I'm going to try my damndest not to test again till at least Sunday (11 DP). Hmmm... the plot thickens.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Eight days past the IUI and getting antsy to test! I tested Tuesday morning to see if the HCG was all out of my system and it looks like it is, since the test was stark white negative! I don't have any symptoms except for some bloating (though it may just be from Thanksgiving overindulgence!) My temperature spiked yesterday but dropped down today (though I took my temp at 5:30 am - too early for a proper temperature). I had acupuncture last night and my TCM doctor was very happy with my temperatures. She said that my body is probably balanced now and that I should try to conceive naturally if I didn't get pregnant this month. When I started going to her in September, my post-ovulations temps never went above 98.0. Yesterday it was 98.7! I really don't feel pregnant, so who knows if this IUI worked or not. I'm definitely going to start testing on Saturday morning, which will be 10 DPIUI. It may be too early, but I'm not going to hold out until my beta on Wednesday!

Monday, November 30, 2009

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great long weekend. I worked a few hours Friday and spent the weekend painting our kitchen and dining room. I know I'm supposed to sit around and relax, but this is the last free weekend we have till the New Year. We have back-to-back family parties for the next 2 weeks, then we're going out of town to the in-laws' for a few days. No real symptoms to speak of. I thought I felt some cramping yesterday, but it may have been my imagination. I have a bunch of internet cheapie pregnancy tests and have been taking them to see if the HCG trigger is out of my system yet. As of this morning, I still had a very faint positive, but it's getting lighter and lighter. Hopefully it will soon start getting darker!

Today marks the 9-year anniversary of my father's death. He died at age 48 of complications from Type I Diabetes. I was 22 years old and had just graduated from college when he passed. I still think of him every day. Through all his illness, pain and hardship, he never complained. He always had a smile and quick joke. I feel him looking over me and I really wish my future children could have known their grandpop. Anyway, he's here in spirit!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The IUI went just fine. It was definitely an odd experience carrying a cup of my husband's semen to the doctor's office at 7:00 this morning! He had an early meeting and couldn't come with me, but no big deal. The count was 44 million, which is very good. I laid on the table for 10 minutes afterward and did some deep meditative breathing. Unfortunately I had to work today - some last-minute deadlines to attend to before the long weekend. I have acu tonight, which is a lucky coincidence. I'll go in next Wednesday for bloodwork, then the following week for the pg test (if AF doesn't arrive). Happy Thanksgiving everyone and I'll check back next week!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

IUI is tomorrow! I went in this morning for my Day 12 ultrasound and they found 3 really good follies - 2 on the left and one on the right. So, I ran home and took the Ovidrel shot, then I'll go back tomorrow morning for the IUI. DH has a meeting at work in the morning, so I'll have to drop off his sample at about 7:30 am, then go back at 9 am for the IUI.

I'm having Thanksgiving at my place this year, but it will be a small group. It should be a fun and relaxing weekend. Should I drink on Thanksgiving? I've been somewhat laissez-faire about the whole alcohol thing during the whole TTC process. I'm not a big drinker, but during the 2WW I normally conclude that I'm 99% not pregnant, so I may as well have a drink. I think I may have a glass of wine with dinner and that's it. I am switching from coffee to tea and bought a bunch of green tea in preparation for the 2 week wait. Wegman's sells this awesome bottled green tea - the brand is "Ito En" and it comes from Japan. It's just pure green tea and water - no sweetener or additives or anything. My favorite is the lemongrass green tea and the mint green tea. I'll be chugging it for the next two weeks!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Today was my last day on Clomid and I also had my first HSG ever. I had heard that it can be quite painful so I took the day off work. I got to sleep in and loaf in front of the TV with the cats for a few hours this morning, which was nice! The HSG wasn't too bad - pretty painful for about 1 minute (especially when they put the dye in) and cramps for about 10 minutes afterwards. I got triple good news -- my uterus is normal, my tubes are open and my husband's semen analysis from last week came up normal!! He had a 70 million count, 50% motility, normal morphology. Yay! He must have just had a bad day when he had the first SA back in February. The doctor was very kind and said to "think positive thoughts" about this cycle, so that's what I plan to do. My ultrasound is Tuesday morning and then I'll know when the IUI will be.

I had acupuncture last night and we reviewed my charts. This is three full cycles that I've been getting acupuncture, and we lined up the charts to see the changes. The first two cycles, my temperatures never rose above 98.0, which my TCM doc said means that my body isn't ovulating "strongly" enough. This last cycle, I had a few days in the low 98's, which she says means that my body is responding to the treatment. I've enjoyed TCM a lot more than I thought I would - I really look forward to my weekly sessions. I get relaxed as soon as I get up on the table. I'll continue the treatment during my IUI cycles (and hopefully pregnancy if that happens).

Monday, November 16, 2009

Started the Clomid yesterday with little fanfare. No side effects to speak of so far, luckily. My HSG is scheduled for this Thursday afternoon and the CD 12 ultrasound will be next Tuesday. I imagine the IUI will be either Wednesday, Friday or Saturday of next week. I'm hoping to keep nice and busy till then. I have two court hearings and lots of running around this week, so hopefully it will keep my mind occupied.

DH and I visited friends with a newborn on Saturday, which was somewhat bittersweet. I have been a good sport about friends' pregnancies and babies, though I tend to get a little grumpy after the visits. I know it's not rational to blame or resent others for their fertility, so I try not to go down that road. But, I do get a pretty strong streak of jealousy when I see others with their little bundles of joy. I haven't shed many tears through our 2+ year struggle with infertility, partially because I feel in my heart that there will be a resolution eventually. I can't help but get a little down in the dumps when dealing with other people's good news, because it makes me feel like the last person chosen for kickball. (oh dear, flashbacks to grade school where I really was the last person picked for kickball).

I MUST tell you about TBTL. I'm a bit of a podcast junkie. My addiction started while I was commuting three nights a week to law school and has carried over to my hour-long commute to and from work. Listening to good podcasts really makes a long drive bearable. If you want a good laugh or just an hour of amusement, I highly recommend Too Beautiful to Live. It's a podcast which airs daily and is hosted by a former NPR personality, Luke Burbank. I've been listening for about a year and can't go a day without my TBTL fix. Laughter is the best medicine, as they say.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Well, here goes nothing! AF arrived right on time this morning and so it begins. The practice I go to does IUI's generally on CD14, lucky for me it falls squarely on Thanksgiving Day. So, it will most likely be the day before or after. It would be awesome if it was the day after, however, since I will already be off work and can loaf away the whole weekend. I got my Ovidrel shot in the mail yesterday and there was a little bag of Hershey's kisses in the box as well! What a nice touch. I'll start the Clomid on Sunday. Hopefully the side effects won't be too gnarly. I found out this week that a good friend is pregnant. She has been through a lot of infertility treatment, including loss of twins in the second trimester, and finally had a healthy daughter after an IUI. This baby was a surprise. I'm thrilled for her, because she's been through a lot. I'm waiting for the RE to call me back so I can schedule everything (I'm having an HSG this month as well, in addition to all the IUI stuff). I'm anxious to put the dates on my calendar!

Monday, November 9, 2009

I'm in the final week of my last "natural" cycle, before starting my first IUI cycle! I'm at CD 24, so probably will get AF by the end of the week. I was holding on to a little bit of hope that I may have miraculously become pregnant this month, but my temperature dropped today so all signs point to "no".

In other news, a dear friend who conceived through IVF gave birth to her son on Friday, 5 weeks premature. Both are doing fine, though he will probably be in the NICU for a few days until he is 35 weeks. He was nearly 6 pounds at birth, though, and is breathing and eating well. Visiting her and the baby gives me hope that a miracle can happen for me too.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Greetings to all who come this way! Come, have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable. Mind the cat hair on the sofa. I've been reading infertility blogs and commenting on them somewhat frequently, so I figured I'd join the scrum since I'm about to start treatment myself. I'm Francie. I'm a 31-year-old lawyer living in the Northeast USA, been married for nearly 5 years, trying to conceive for since December 2007 (and "not preventing" since December 2006) with no success. Next month I'll be starting my first IUI with Clomid and Ovidrel. We'll see how it goes. The cause of the infertility isn't clear. After the first year or so, we saw an RE who discovered a large polyp in my uterus. Lap surgery done in April '09 and it was removed, along with some mild endometriosis as a bonus feature. We've been trying naturally since then with no success. I have never, ever gotten pregnant. My husband's first semen analysis came up "a little low" according to the RE, but I have never seen the results so I don't know what that means. We have started with a new RE, who recommended doing IUI's with Clomid and Ovidrel for 3 months, and see where it gets us. I'm excited but also very aware that it may fail repeatedly, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. Thanks for reading!