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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Weird Press Releases, Volume I: Centered on the Knork

I get some mighty strange e-mails. I've decided to start sharing them with y'all.

Here's one. Boldface is emphasis mine, with my comments in parentheses and italics.

VOLUME I

The Knork
sender: a PR lady

"I have a product I would love for you to test out. It's centered on the Knork (centered?) — which is an improvement to the fork — not out as a gimmick or novelty or replacement to the knife. We designed the Knork to be a simply better way to eat. The result of Knork is that you can cut into food with your fork using a simple rocking motion.

(This is what Google Image Search of "knork" turned up. Not sure I get it. So is the end tine is just...really sharp? Hard to tell from the photos. What's to stop a diner from gouging themselves in the oral area whilst eating?)

If you're like me, you use your fork to cut a lot already. (Yes, I am like you. I use mine to trim my hair!) I mean just think about how many times you are eating something and use the edge of your fork to cut it and if notice people eating at restaurants you will be amazed at how many people do this on many types of foods? (This is a syntactically-confused question bordering on the profound. I almost love it. It's Joycean. Read it out loud to yourself now).

Well the Knork makes that easier. Knork is not out to replace knives but to adapt flatware for today and the future — creating a fork to work better. (I like that she repeats twice that Knork is not out to replace, alienate, supersede, or in any way threaten knives...

Simmer down, now, knives! There's room for everybody. DON'T GET STABBY!
KNORK COMES IN PEACE! That goes for you too, chopsticks. And don't even look at me like that, spife.)

Which is why we offer the full place setting and serving pieces (consisting of, what, knorks of different sizes? Vibrating ones? Knorks that are ACTUALLY KNIVES?) — it's all forged (meaning forged of metal, as in beaten into shape from red-hot iron rods on an anvil by an old-timey blacksmith? Or forged as in forgery, i.e., counterfeited from celebrity signatures on financial documents?) , high quality products and have a signature look and heavy duty feel.

Knork Flatware was a sponsor and was used at this year's Wolfgang Puck American Wine and Food Festival in Los Angeles. And will be a sponsor at the New World Wine Food Fest in San Antonio — November 10-15. We are finding that many culinary/catering events see Knork as a value to their participating chefs to know ahead of time that they can offer a wider variety of food items not just finger foods. And former Top Cheftestant Stefan Richter's new restaurant Stefan's at LA Farm in Santa Monica is using the full line Knork Flatware. And former Top Chef-testant Richard Blais is using it as well at FLiP the Burger Boutique in Atlanta. (Dude! I wouldn't put anything past Stefan, but I'm a little surprised at Richard).

Flatware hasn't changed much in the past one thousand years, neither in design nor function. Until now. (What about the bendy straw? ...Not flatware, you say? What about...well, shit. She may have a point, there.)

Knork has been featured (Not "the Knork" or "knorks," but "knork," as though it's a one-word celebrity, like Madonna, or Seal. or Bjork! Bjork, meet Knork.Or would you, Bjork, prefer a spork?) on the Food Network's Unwrapped, Rachael Ray touted Knork as her new fave thing, been featured in DailyCandy and Thrillist and on the Big Idea with Donny Deutsch.

Can I send you a few samples?

"Dine on the Cutting-Edge" (<--their tagline, apparently. I see no need for that hyphen. Much like I see no need for a dangerous, knife-usurping "fork plus." I may, however, need samples. Who's with me?)

**END OF E-MAIL**

OK, now it's just me, with no italics. Have you guys ever heard of this Knork item before?

To me it sounds suspiciously like a pastry fork, the purpose of which also baffles me somewhat.

Whoa, that's a crappy pic, I'm sorry. Wayyyy too big. Anyway, I remember coming across one of these in a drawer in my grandma's kitchen once and thinking it was a fork with something wrong with it. A defective fork. A Reject Utensil. The Hunchfork of Notre Dame!)

Furthermore: Did you know that Americans get made fun of because of our reluctance to manage two utensils at the same time? That in Europe and in Asia, they see us as shovel-wielding brutes, scooping food into our mouths all one-handed and whatnot like a nation of toddlers? It is true. I am not sure Knork helps with that, any.

However, I am very tempted to ask for samples. I find myself wanting to know how sharp it is.