Bedded, Knobbed and Bumsticked

Sinister forces seem to be at work at the Walt Disney Studios, with reports of subliminal pornographic images being detected in cartoons, and bizarre merchandising such as the “masturbating” Tarzan doll. Matters came to a head last month when a blackmarket “adult” version of “Aladdin” which had been distributed via the internet, was found to be the work of respected Disney animator Hank Dixtring. As well as being dismissed by the studio Dixtring, who has worked on such classics as “Little Mermaid”, “Lion King” and “Hunchback of Notre Dame”, is being investigated by the FBI on suspicion of corrupting minors. The “Aladdin” video allegedly features the hero rubbing his cock to produce the genie Manfat, who grants him his greatest sexual desires.

Other sequences apparently involve the Princess being given a damn good bare-arsed spanking by the Vizier and the hero being buggered by all forty thieves. The whole animation is clearly in the style of the original. “We believe that this is just the tip of the iceberg”, a spokesperson for the FBI told us. “Dixtring clearly had accomplices – this is not the work of a lone pervert.” The Bureau is currently investigating reports that alternative versions of other recent Disney cartoons are in circulation. “We have heard that there is an explicit version of the “Lion King” aimed at the bestiality market, and a version of the “Little Mermaid” where she’s subjected to an extended bondage session by a bunch of leather-clad S&M lobsters and clams”, the spokesperson confirmed.

For his part, Dixtring has claimed that he was acting under the evil influence of the late Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head. Although both the studio and the FBI have dismissed these claims as pure fantasy, it is a fact that following his death in 1966, Disney’s head was frozen in the hope that future medical science could revive it. Dixtring maintains that the head was stored in a secret research facility deep beneath the Walt Disney studios, and tended to by a group of former Nazi scientists. By the late 1980s they had succeeded in inducing some degree of consciousness in the frozen head – since that time it has, according to Dixtring, been exerting an evil influence over the corporation’s employees. “I knew what I was doing was wrong”, he told us in an exclusive interview. “But I just couldn’t help myself, it was as if I was in a waking dream, unable to control my own hands!”

Friends and relatives confirm that Dixtring underwent a sinister character change whilst working for Disney, being transformed from an easygoing bearded artist to a short-tempered, dictatorial martinet. “The biggest shock was when he shaved his beard off”, confided his wife. “He’d had it for twenty years!” Walt Disney was a known beard-hater and, during his lifetime, demanded that all employees be clean shaven, on pain of dismissal. Film historian Leslie Halliwell once claimed that Disney’s hatred of beards stemmed from the brutal spankings he received as a baby from his father, who worked as a department store Santa Claus. Other employees have also complained of an oppressive atmosphere at the studios, with some claiming that they felt as if they were being watched by unseen eyes.

Pete Horsey, a British academic and animated film historian, gives some credence to Dixtring’s claims. “Few people realise that Walt Disney built his animation empire on porn”, he told us. “Everyone thinks that it all began with “Steamboat Willie”, the first Mickey Mouse short, but that was simply the point at which he went legit, before that he’d made his money creating pornographic cartoon films for the stag market!” These included “Steamboat Willie and the Hand Jivers” and “Mr Stiffie comes to Town” . Even after achieving mainstream success, Disney allegedly continued to produce illicit “adult” versions of his most popular films, including a long lost version of “Snow White” which apparently featured an eight-in-the-bed romp with the dwarves.

Other animations receiving this treatment included “Pinocchio” (this is attributed with introducing the term “getting wood” for having an erection) and a gay version of “Peter Pan”, predictably entitled “Peter Pansy” , and featuring the “lost boys” as male prostitutes. Captain Hook was portrayed as a gigolo with a huge wickedly twisted dildo instead of a hook. In the early 1960s Uncle Walt turned his attention to live action porn, producing a hardcore version of “Mary Poppins” which cleverly inter cut footage from the original with entirely new material featuring a frequently naked double of Julie Andrews using her special kind of “magic” to bring about the sexual awakening of a conventional suburban family. One infamous scene includes a redubbed Mary Poppins coaching a young female ward in the art of oral sex by singing “A spoonful of sugar helps the jism go down”. A rooftop sequence has Mary Poppins demonstrating a whole new set uses for a Dick Van Dyke-type chimney sweep’s set of telescopic brushes. Mysteriously, despite Disney’s death in 1966, a porn version of “Bedknobs and Broomsticks” was produced in 1971, entitled “Bedded, Knobbed and Bum-sticked”, and featuring a witch running a secret Nazi love camp in the Scottish Highlands during World War Two.

This last production highlighted Walt Disney’s alleged Nazi links. “Its no accident that the car featured in the “Herbie” films is a Volkswagen Beetle”, Horsey points out. “A vehicle which was originally manufactured in Nazi Germany and seen as a symbol of National Socialism’s efficiency. The films, in which the little car is triumphant in the face of overwhelming odds, could be seen as a homage to the superiority of the Third Reich’s engineering ability and, by extension, the supremacy of the Aryan race which created it.” Horsey also notes that, during World War Two, Disney’s German subsidiary studio continued to produce animated shorts, including the notorious “Deitrich Duck” series. In these cartoons Deitrich (basically Donald Duck in an SS uniform) is seen inducting his nephews Heinrich, Ludwig and Dieter into the Hitler youth, and reporting Scrooge McDuck to the Gestapo on suspicion of being a Jewish money-lender. Whilst these revelations would seem to support Dixtring’s claims of being under the evil influence of the porn-obssessed, Nazi revived head of Walt Disney, Horsey is, unfortunately unable to produce any hard evidence. “Sadly, no known copies of any of the porn films, or the Nazi shorts, are known to exist, and firsthand documentary evidence is non-existent”, he told us apologetically, admitting that his entire theory is based on hearsay and rumour. “Nevertheless, I remain convinced that they do exist”.

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.