Well, the results are in from the Democrats Abroad Primary. It’s the primary you’ve all been waiting for! You know, the Democrats Abroad Primary?

Yeah, the one where Democrats who live abroad can vote in their own primary?

You know? That one?

Is it a real thing or is this a joke? Is that what you asked?

Yeah. It’s a real thing. Really.

And this year the expat Dems went buck wild for Bernie! More than thirty-eight thousand Democrats, in more than 170 countries, voted between March 1-8 for their favorite candidate, and now we know who won.

Bernie. By a mile. (click on it to make it go big)

But you just cannot overlook the stranglehold Hillary had in Dominican Republic and Nigeria and Singapore. I mean, in Nigeria alone she had four votes to every vote for Bernie! (Nigeria total: 5 votes)

(Editors note: We have no way of knowing if the voters in those countries are POC. No idea. We’re just too lazy to change the narrative. Smiley face Emoji.)

So what does the winner get? A box set of sitar music? Some Toblerone? What?

DELEGATES, son!

The winner of this thing you’ve never heard of gets to take home actual, honest-to-goodness delegates.

The Bernmeister walked away with 9. Hills snagged 4. Here are the numbers:

And here’s the breakdown by country. (I know how you guys a-love-a the spreadsheets!)

What did we learn from this? Not a heck of a lot, really. Bernie’s chances of snagging the nomination are still hovering somewhere between ‘Firefly returning to TV’ and ‘Firefly landing at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.’ But he soldiers on, through adversity, walking uphill both ways.

Sadly, the Republicans don’t have an official foreign voting body. (Too bad. It would have been a blast to see that shitshow this year.)