Editors note:
Christopher has been showing extreme maturity by not
cursing in his
reviews and we’re very proud of him for that.
Sadly he couldn’t
control himself in this one and the editorial staff at
Film Critics
United apologizes profusely and highly recommends that
you click the
‘BACK’ button on your browser. Thank you.

What the fuck did I ever
do to
Jamie Kennedy? Nothing. Absolutely nothing that at
least deserved
this kind of abuse. I’ve even show the man some
love on
occasion. While the rest of the critical world was
shitting on
‘Malibu’s Most Wanted’ I found some entertainment value
in that
movie. Out of respect for Mr. Kennedy I totally
skipped ‘Son of
Mask’ and I did occasionally watch his little TV show
and did manage to
laugh on occasion, so I think I deserve better treatment
than this
don’t you think? But no, Jamie Kennedy obviously
doesn’t give a
fuck about my ass and trapped me into this movie,
‘Kickin’ it old
Skool’, with the lure of 80’s nostalgia and classic
tunes only to
metaphorically kick me in the mutha fuckin’ nuts
repeatedly, over and
over again. We don’t have a rating system her at
the FCU, mainly
because we’re not real film critics and trying to dream
up some wacky
number for some movie just draws out this whole critical
process thing,
but I think we may have to enact one simply because of
‘Kickin’ it Old
Skool’. We rate ‘Kickin it Old Skool’ Absolute
Zero.

Man, it started out
swell. Young Justin Schumacher is a funky fresh 12
year old
readying his boys, the funky fresh crew, for a school
talent
show. Anybody who spent any adolescent time in the
1980’s will
appreciate the gear and the music, no doubt. It
was particularly
funny to me because a man who is a dear friend of mine
to this day, who
will remain nameless – Lee Trotman – Showed up at the
youth center

one day wearing a Beat It
jacket AND parachute pants. Thus Lee had an outfit
with 80
zippers on it, but had to sport a fanny sack because he
had no gatdamn
place to put his wallet. Anyway, Justin is in
stiff comp with a
rival crew and decides to pull off his stupid dope
‘move’ which
ultimately lands him in a coma for twenty years.
Here’s what I
know already five minutes in. A grown Justin
(Kennedy), once he
comes out his coma will have to bust this ‘move’ to win
some contest at
the end of this movie. Actually, I know the entire
movie without
watching another single frame, BUT if it’s funny I can
forgive
formula. So you probably know the story too I’m
thinking.
The crew gets back together, there is dance contest to
win a bunch o’
loot, there’s a pretty girl, there’s a bad guy, there’s
a funny black
guy plus a funny Asian dude and Mexican cat for good
measure.
Yes, the story is tired, weak, lame and lazy but as long
as it’s funny…

Well fuck me. Not
only
wasn’t this bullshit funny, bit it was also unforgivably
looooonnnngg. This is why I know it was
personal. I know
it’s quite presumptuous to think that Jamie Kennedy
cares enough about
me to abuse me, but I can’t ignore the facts. So
they’re making
this movie in Hollywood or Vancouver or wherever the
fuck they make
these things and it’s obvious to all involved that it
sucks ass and
they’re just waiting for this dreariness to end so they
can cash their
checks, but Kennedy goes to his director Harvey Glazer
and tells him “I
know we want to cut it short, but there’s this dude in
Detroit who
watches shit like this and it’s gonna piss him the fuck
off if we tack
another unnecessary thirty five minutes of total
worthless bullshit in
this thing.” I’m sure Harvey asked why he hates me
so, but Jamie
doesn’t know why, it’s just something about me. He
also knows
that I won’t stop the movie and I won’t fast forward
through the
movie. My DVD remote was looking at me, mocking
me, imploring me
to fast forward. I told it (yes, this film reduced
me to talking
to my remote) bitch, I can’t give a movie a legitimate
review if I fast
forward through the mutha fucka now can I? Then I
pick it up and
throw it out of the room. But it kept reappearing
in my hand.

Okay, this shit wasn’t
100%
crappy. I think it made me laugh twice, lead
actress Maria
Menounos is hot to distraction, Vivica Fox makes a
cameo, and though
she’s ancient, she’s still hot as hell to – man I
remember the first I
saw Vivica Fox… but that’s another story. The kid that
played young
Justin was pretty good, but Jamie Kennedy totally fucked
up that poor
kid’s performance by somehow interpreting the younger
boys personality
as retarded. And bad as it was, it’s still wasn’t
as bad as ‘Date
Movie’ but that’s about it.

Think of ‘Kickin’ it Old
Skool’
as ‘You Got Served’ if ‘You Got Served’ was really,
really
shitty. Oh wait, ‘You Got Served’ WAS really,
really
shitty! Jamie, I don’t what the fuck I did, but
call off the dogs
man, I apologize!