Had a Porn addiction that led me to extremely dark places

I'm sorry if this is written sporadic my my mind is ever where right now.

I found pornography at a very young age, I think about 10, When I found a stash of magazines in the woods.My interest in sex was "healthy" for as time but it was an addiction that was growing.

My mother and father are divorced and I have always suffered from some bouts anxiety issues, as a child during playtime there were many times all I wanted to do was hide away. My father got custody of me and was not the greatest father to me, he wasn't abusive but his parenting stills were not great, one thing he used to say to me as 'encouragement' was "you're never going to amount to anything anyway", which, I believe was his attempt to try and push me to perform better in school and I appreciate the sentiment as I have grown to understand he was only trying to help, just not in the most effective manor.When I was 15 my father Remarried to a woman I didn't get along with and was extremely critical of me, (my stepfather who my mother remarried was also the same in my early life but now I love him and see him to be more of a father than my real one)when I was 16 my stepmother became pregnant. It was this time my porn habits began to spiral, I would, every time my father would spend time in the new wife's house spent entire evenings masturbating, Which led me to want stranger pornography. I had found Hentai found the more taboo nature of exiting, one day a classmate was talking about a website where he could see girls "our own age". This spurred my curiosity and I investigated but to not much arousal, but I think this was the seed that began to grow it's dark roots in my mind. at 17 I was kicked out of my home with my father after a very long and painful fight.

I lived with my mother until I was 18, in which time I struggled with motivation which lead to much criticism from my stepfather (something I now respect, but at the time was a source of great stress) .

When I was 18 I moved back to my home town got a job and everything was good for a while, then I got fired, spent a year unemployed and my habits began to go deeper and deeper, I was finding more and more taboo stuff until I remembered that one day at school... and I'm finding it hard to type this because I'm discussed by my own behaviour. I never found that stuff very arousing and always felt disgusted at myself after but the habit had been made that was an escape for my life.

Then I got a new job and all was good again for a while until I began to really hate it and felt unfulfilled once again, and then the habit began again. There was a time where I feel was my worst and began making efforts to change my life, I've battle through the rare relapse but have worked SO hard to better my self. I'm 27 now and it was a year ago I almost gave into an urge but was disgusted by the thought of it.

Leading to now, my life is great, I'm working towards an amazing career have amazing friends but a recent bout of depression and anxiety has made me feel worse than ever. I have always felt guilt but now I am finding hard to live with myself and that I don't deserve the good things I've worked so, so! hard for. I have recently had suicidal thoughts because the thought of living with the horrible thing I have done is unbearable. I fear that I will never be able to have or deserve a relationship because I feel like a horrible person.

Today was my worst day, I'm so disgusted with past actions I tried to get away from myself, I walked aimlessly for about 6 hours just trying to escape my guilt, I ended up calling a helpline and the person commended me for acknowledging that I had a problem and have worked to fix it by myself, something many would require therapy for. I still however feel that I can never forgive myself or find happiness ever again. I feel isolated knowing this is something I can never tell anyone, not just for my own sake but for the health and happiness of my family and friends. I feel that I screwed up too hard in my past that now I don't deserve any good things.

I am trying to continue with bettering myself, I am now addressing my underlying regular porn addiction as this depression has made me realise that even though I have worked to get passed my taboos a while ago I must address the root of the course. But it's becoming a harder and harder thing to do.

I never wan't to go back to that place, the thought repulses me and I don't think I will. What I am unsure about is being able to life with the constant pain and regret.

I read your post. I’m sorry that you are so down right now. It seems to me that you are describing two or three issues. One is you’ve had a reoccurring depression, anxiety and an addiction. You WILL absolutely heal from these.

First of all you are good and are absolutely NOT abnormal, you belong in this world and have the right to be here as much as anyone. I think your feelings are normal when put them in context with your past experiences, former family life, and lack of healthy nurturing. Your negative thoughts and feelings can and will be replaced by positive ones. You are now and you will “Amount To Something”!!!!

Part of the reasons you are having some of those negative thoughts and feelings is because you ARE a good principled, moral person, and you hold yourself to a pretty high standards. You really beat yourself up when you feel that you have not met your standards. You don’t need to lower your standards, just learn to not be so harsh on yourself when you don’t meet them.

Heartless narcissists and sociopaths do not have the feelings and thoughts you described. They would not even care. You have the very good fortune to not be one of them.

You gave a few hints about your childhood. Your childhood life sounds exceptionally poor in my opinion. There was divorce, moving around, changing parents, getting used to new parents. The things that your fathers said were abusive! Your mother or mothers sound neglectful at best. These people as parents have serious issues. I smell neglect and irresponsibility all over the place.

Can you imagine yourself looking at a kid and saying the things your father said to you? I cant. You seem like a person who is very sensitive towards others. I do not believe you would say those things to anyone. Imagine that you were directing your fathers’ very same words at any random little kid you see anywhere. What do you think that would do to that kid? Would it break your heart to do that to a kid? Get the picture?

You described an addiction to porn and masturbating and likely the typical feelings of guilt, shame, self-hate, weakness, disgust that goes with it. All this stuff is perfectly understandable under those circumstances. You had an early discovery of sex before you were ready for it and you felt that you could not tell the very people who should have mattered. No one would have. I suspect there were some other influences on you besides just the magazines.

You were dealing with all of this with an inexperience adolescent mind. Your mind was crying out for love, nurturing and your body for the bio/chemicals that go with it. Maybe the strangers in the pictures filled the void and produced the bio/chemicals that your body craved and weren’t getting from a healthy home life. You ended up accidentally victimized by the addiction not the other way around. Anybody would under your exact circumstances. That addiction was not your fault and you did not ask for it. The hormones of a little kid are powerful when first awakened to sex , the most powerful that will ever be in life. Imagine what that kid was up against. Give yourself a break, this started when you were an adolescence from a broken home and with pathetic role-modeling and guidance.

Millions and millions of people have accidentally and at no fault of their own become victimized by an addiction whether gambling, food, bulimia, alcohol, porn drugs etc. You’d want the best for all those millions of folks, wouldn’t you. Don’t condemn yourself if you’re not going to condemn them and I know you are not.

All addicts have feelings of shame, self-loathing, disappointment and disgust in-between carrying out their addiction. A porn addiction, is a bio/chemical addiction. Meaning your mind/body is capable of producing the addicting chemicals internally as opposed to injecting the chemicals into your body externally.

The self-loathing and shame works with the addiction which helps to keep the addiction active. Your lows of self-loathing and shame between the highs of the addiction actually work to reinforce the addition. It’s called Intermittent Reinforcement Please look it up so you understand how this works.

Withdrawing from a bio/chemical addiction from gambling, porn or eating is as difficult as a drug addict’s withdrawals from his drug. Strong, grown adults cannot handle addictions. Imagine a kid or a teenager (who is still a kid by the way) with no one to talk to about it, trying to deal with it.

Your actually better off than most addicts. This is because the porn addiction did not wipe out your bank account, destroy your liver, or your reputation, eat your brain cells, or turn you into a diabetic. When you stop your addiction your health and bank account will be fine and most important you will be fine, it will simply be a learning experience and there is no reason anyone has to ever know.

As far as guilt goes. Please google this site7 reasons not to feel guilty about yourself when you have acted immorally

Your life goals - whether it’s a career, a wife, a family, a home, a car, pursuing your hobbies. You deserve those as much as anyone. I hope you have chosen goals for yourself and are pursuing them. Imagine where you want to be and what you want to be in five, ten, fifteen etc years.

I think in your case, because your depression is reoccurring and because of your history with anxiety and a haphazard neglectful upbringing, ( I personally think it was abusive and you that don’t know what abuse is) I’m inclined to think you may have some degree of PTSD. If you do, fix that, the rest will likely fix itself. That’s an educated guess, I’m not a doctor, as Ive mentioned.

There are some very good books out there. They can help you put your present state into perspective, give you direction for healing, and the knowledge and tools so you can forgive yourself and move on with your life. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. The Body Never Lies by Alice Miller, From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas, Feeling Good by David D. Burns.

I suggest you get an e-reader like a Kindle where you can highlight important passages and refer back to them when you need too.

Here’s some other ideas.

You could join an addiction group, I don’t know anything about these groups. But maybe you would hear what others have been through, and how they coped. In that way you will know you are not alone and that you are actually pretty well off.

There is therapy. If you chose a therapist – look on the internet for ones skilled in PTSD!!! If anyone tries to shame you, walk out.

Don’t forget to treat yourself well, I suggest you join something where you can find like-minded people to share your hobbies with, find a girlfriend, make new friends, take some courses at a local community college, go to some funny movies, take a trip to a local park, go swimming, ride a bike, take lessons in something you always wanted to learn, exercise, shop for some new furniture, garden, join a local sports team, clean your place, stay active and be productive.

If you come to the collusion that there have been “toxic people” in your life, which I believe there are – I suggest you avoid them but do not confront them. If they are truly toxic, confronting them will do no good and likely backfire on you.

If your guilt is out of control, then make an appointment to talk to a catholic priest even if your not catholic or even a monk. Tell him all you are ashamed of. Believe me he’s heard it all before and much worse. If he is worth his robes, he should spend some time and help you to understand how to forgive yourself. If he shames you, then he’s the wrong priest. Find another.

Will you have occasional setbacks? Maybe. That’s life, everyone has them. Avoid worrying over them for more then a minute and put them in the proper light – learning, strength and direction come out of them.

I’m not going to make moral judgment on viewing porn images or on those poor souls that are in them. But In my opinion I don’t think porn is a good thing, and I’m pretty sure that there is nothing wholesome about it. In the hands of kids It can be very destructive. I’ve never heard anyone say they wished they had viewed more porn and no one says that on their death bed. Many people are compelled to view it but many are also stressed by it. I do not believe the images in porn are positive but mostly demeaning and degrading. Filling one’s mind with these images cannot be uplifting or give one a positive outlook on life. The exploitation of the people that are in porn seems sad to and nature of the people who make it seems very dubious. You are probably well right in your wanting to kick this habit. Good for you.

I heard of someone named Craig Perra who has a course on kicking porn addiction. I know nothing about him or his course but I heard good things. It might be worth looking into.

Here’s the part I think your most interested in. From what I understand, you are intensely troubled and down on yourself because you feel you have viewed some especially heinous and vulgar (possibly illegal?) images. From what I understand that is exactly what happens to many people who view pornography. In order to achieve the same bio/chemical release, most addicts end up needing a bigger and bigger fix. For porn addicts it means more and more bizarre and crazy images until they are eventually viewing things which would have normally been abhorrent to them.

The fact that you felt remorse, ashamed, sorry, and have chosen to stop means in reality you are a good person, probably empathetic, have a strong conscious and likely a sound set of principles. Those are positive things about you. This world needs people with those qualities. You have allot to give. Think on those good things about yourself. Also think that you were the victim of an addiction that started at a young age when you had little guidance. Think of the insidious destructive victimizing nature of addictions. Put all this in context and cut yourself allot of slack. I think you will eventually understand and forgive yourself as you should and as you would do for someone else.

If this is not enough then you can atonement can assist you in your self- forgiveness. For instance, you could do volunteer work. Animal shelters need people to walk the dogs, play with the cats and clean cages. You could bring food to the indigent. You could become a Big Brother and give some kid the attention, guidance and nurturing you never got. Google your zip code for volunteer organizations. I don’t think you have to do these things to forgive yourself, but only atoning works for some people and maybe your one of them.

If the depression, negative thoughts and feelings continue to ache at you then I think the priest and or therapist will help you allot. This is a private issue and should be shared with no one else but a priest or a therapist. At least not now, maybe fifty years from now if you still care. Remember no shamers!

The next time you get the urge, try spending the time looking at your favorite female singer or actress on GOOGLE IMAGES! or walk around the shopping mall or go to the gym. If you have a relapse, don’t kick yourself that only adds to the addiction and that’s what addictions do.

This might be interesting to you - if you cut from your diet all refined sugar, and manufactured sweets, suddenly fruit, apples, pears, peaches, etc. look and taste unbelievable good and flavorful, like you never noticed before. Likewise, once you cut pornography from your life, you will suddenly notice and experience many pleasant things and feelings within yourself (and I don’t mean just sexual) from normal, “clothed “, everyday woman and people in general that you hadn’t ever noticed before. That’s where I think you are saying you want to be. I think that’s an ideal state to be in for a man.

I know you can’t quite get a handle on it at just this moment, but you can and will heal. The things that you described about yourself could have happened to anyone under the same circumstances and do not make you a bad, shameful or worthless and it does not mean that “you won’t amount to anything.” You are in fact the opposite of all that.

I think you are a highly valuable person, who is going in a commendable direction and who deserves all the good things of life. You would not have written that brave post if you weren’t and I would not have bothered replying to it I did not believe it to be true.

Thank you Stiggs for your very in depth reply, it was a very comforting read.

I have begun to see a therapist to work through my issuesI very much appreciate the work you put into your reply and have read it a few times over now, many of the things you talked about have also been mentioned by my therapist.

I am off pornography totally now, and even after a week I do feel better, I am also meditating for a min of 30 minuets a day which I find melts my anxiety away. I still feel guilt, depressed, and anxious but I'm in a better place than I was when I wrote that post and hope that I continue to improve.

I'm very glad that you are in a better place now and well on your way. I heard a line in movie once. A person said to another. "i have nothing to hide". The other person in the movie was very envious and said something like. "That must be a wonderful feeling," to have nothing to hide." I keep this mind to always make it a part of me as a person. To be a man who has integrity, openness and honesty. Empathy with a sense of humor does not hurt either. I get the feeling that you want something like that as well. Of course, modified in your own way for you. That is one of the reasons i was sure you were decent guy. It came though in your post. Role modeling those characteristics for everyone you meet is kind of selfish because it feels so good. It's really gratifying. It may be of some help to you to know that you can do that..

I am so glad that you have found someone to assist you too. You are young and will have a long good life. I'm sure of that.. You can always reply to me at this post if you ever just want to say hello.

As for how mine developed, it was kickstarted by people making fun of me at school for constantly making dirty jokes. Before this happened, I did watch porn, but I could masturbate without it. When I was a minor, my main motivation to try beating my porn addiction was that I was under 18, but now that I'm no longer one, I don't have much of a motivation to do it anymore. Like, I feel dirty and like a slut when I watch porn, but using it as a motivation feels tenuous.