Five Strangest Video Games from Japan: Seamen, Penises, and Spanking Child Molesters

At this point, everybody knows that if you're into hardcore squid porn or any other kind of fetish involving schoolgirls, seafood, and SM, then you've gotta go to Japan. This East Asian island nation is the world's leading purveyor of perverted shit and it's no wonder their penchant for depravity spills over into one of their other major obsessions, video games. Now, over the past decade, Western developers have started to edge out the Rising Sun. But still the Japanese continue to carve out bizarre, previously undiscovered niche markets.

Check out the jump for the five strangest video games to ever emerge from Japan.

1. Seaman

Released around the same time that kids here in America were obsessed with cleaning up their Tamagotchi's feces, Seaman took the virtual pet to the next level. Basically, the player uses a microphone to relay voice commands to a water tank, then a snarky human-faced fish (voiced by Leonard Nimoy) insults the player. The game had no real point besides caring for the Seaman. But it probably prepped many lonely Japanese boys for the unhealthy, one-sided relationships that they'd eventually have with plastic sex dolls.

Here in Miami, walking the dog is one of those necessary but agonizing tasks that requires putting on flip flops, venturing out into the humidity, and dodging dog shit for ten blocks. Apparently, the Japanese found this activity so fascinating that they decided it was an arcade-worthy pastime. The resulting Dog Walker game lets you pick a canine and, uh, walk it, all the while making sure to clean up its droppings and protect the pooch from getting raped by other dogs.

3. Chou Aniki

There's a class of video games released in Japan known as "kuso-ge" which translates to "shit games" and Chou Aniki is a prime example. This series's claim to fame is its blatantly homosexual motifs, which consits of things like Speedo-clad bodybuilders and giant penises that ejaculate white projectiles. The series has been around for over a decade and it hasn't even begun to lose its edge. Suffice to say, the last incarnation was titled Chou Aniki: Legend of the Holy Protein.

4. Love Death 2

Love Death resembles the typical Japanese dating simulator. It allows old pervs to set up virtual dates with barely post-pubescent schoolgirls. But the game is unique because, after you coax the girls into your creepy abode, you can proceed to beat them unconscious with a huge variety of projectile and melee weapons. At first, it's kind of fun. But after spraying Sakura with your digital goo and beating her senseless with a baseball bat, shit gets serious.

5. Spank 'Em Boonga Boonga

Originally developed in Korea but made for Japanese arcades, Boonga Boonga allows players to live out their fantasy spanking scenarios. You step up to what has to be the first ass-slap controller ever produced and you choose from a pool of possible victims, including mother-in-law, child molester, prostitute, and gold-digger. You then attack that ass with maximum force as the machine computes your preferred "sexual behavior." If you get your kicks rubbing the butts of child-molesters, we say: Get out of the arcade right fucking now.