Light sabres throng the hill

And so it begins; a nationwide roll-out and arguably a monumental waste of taxpayers’ money. I refer, of course, not to the national broadband network itself but to the ad campaign to promote it.

A snaking optical beam, the love child of a green light sabre and an angry garden hose, whizzes around the nation, connecting us all and ushering in the dawn of a new era. The sun is rising (the light on the hill?) as a friendly neighbour trims the hedge. Mum and kid wave as Dad heads off to work. The city glimmers on the horizon, so we’re not exactly out in the sticks – no need to show our two new satellites.

The semiotics leave nothing to chance. There’s a white picket fence that would tickle John Howard’s fancy and hardly any cars. Luckily, there is a bus stop or a nice gentle hill to cycle to work down should you be the sort of person who switched your lights off for an hour on Saturday night to save the planet. Which isn’t the non sequitur it may seem, given this campaign is courtesy of the agency behind Earth Hour, Leo Burnett.

The light sabre/garden hose graphic would have made a great animation device (the campaign is only print and radio so far), but at least it also works as a typeface, boldly informing us that “Australia’s National Broadband Network is on its way to you”.

This is the sort of headline bureaucrats love and copywriters despair of. To understand what’s on offer you have to visit the website – checking out my own suburb, I learn “work is to commence within three years”. Having just done some home renos I know that to your average tradie that sort of promise is open to interpretation.

In what is hopefully not an omen, the print ad also carries a QR code – one of those boxes that were the coolest internet fad a while ago but are now largely redundant.

“Stage 1” has been highlighted, so we can assume that is the most important part of the brief. Having worked on the ill-fated NSW Labor Metro campaign, I know “Stage 1” is ad speak for “we must show stuff is happening as we’ve been banging on about this for years and no one believes it’s for real”. As opposition communications spokesman Malcolm Turnbull said, “that doesn’t mean it will be completed. It doesn’t mean it will be half completed, and says nothing about how many will be connected.” Branding the campaign as spin, Mr Turnbull said it was “duplicitous saying there will be 3.3 million households in areas where work is ‘planned to commence by ... 2015’.”

At the media conference to launch the roll-out, NBN CEO Mike Quigley remained vague about figures, preferring TV-friendly hand gestures and obfuscations such as “continue to ramp [up]”.

None of which is surprising, as the numbers, the time lines etc are a smokescreen to disguise a political ad campaign as a legitimate information campaign to justify spending taxpayers’ money.

At their media conference, Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Communications Minister Stephen Conroy couldn’t hide their excitement about the strategy.

“Your access to broadband is not safe if there is a change of government,” threatened the PM, neatly conflating her public network with broadband systems.

“What Malcolm Turnbull is trying to sell to this country is a candle compared to a light bulb,” spluttered Senator Conroy, clearing getting mixed up with his Earth Hour metaphors.