Summer TV Lineup Promises To Be A Blast

The month of May in the television world — the month when all the fall shows end and the summer shows await — is a lot like showering with your hookup buddy. The times you’ve had with them have been fun, and they’ve certainly occupied most of your evenings, but all of a sudden, when you have a moment to actually look at them and reflect on their attributes… the only thing you feel like doing is getting the hell up outta that shower and moving on.

Don’t get me wrong, this season has brought me thrills galore. My beloved shows have done an excellent job perpetuating my Broadway music addition, penchant for bloody violence, awareness of crazy people and crush on Ian Somerhalder.

And the finales, these past couple of weeks? Effing phenomenal. I don’t want to spoil anyone, but “Vampire Diaries”? “Grey’s Anatomy”? “LOST”?! I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that the “Lost” series finale was big, but I googled “season finale” and “Lost” filled the entire first page of hits. Just saying.

But by the time May rolls around, all I can do is get pumped for my summer shows. Summer TV is just so much more enjoyable as a whole. Maybe the fabulous weather makes me more inclined to like my evening shows. Or maybe because the shows are not so drawn out, considering they only lasts a few months, so there isn’t enough time for the writers to fuck them up. Or perhaps because summer TV aligns itself with Hollywood’s belief in a loud and proud, take-no-prisoners action approach to summer entertainment.

Summer shows are just like summer. No high drama, just full-frontal fun in every episode. My summer TV schedule is so dependably awesome, I had to think of an acronym to refer to it by: a B.L.A.S.T. Badass Lineup for Amazingly-Mind-Blowing Summer Television. Yes, I made amazingly-mind-blowing one word. Bite me.
My B.L.A.S.T. consists of the Holy Trinity (“True Blood,” “Mad Men,” “Burn Notice”) as well as “Hung,” “Weeds” and the occasional new favorite. I think what makes a B.L.A.S.T. is its ability to push all the right buttons, so to speak. Look at the motley mélange of shows in my B.L.A.S.T.: vampires, the 1960s, shooting people, prostitution, marijuana… Not one of them is anything like the others. They all bring something unique to the table that ensures that all summer long I am never bored. I think we can credit this to the fact that the writers know it’s gotta be some damn good TV if you’re going to leave that gorgeous weather and come back inside. The B.L.A.S.T. is truly a thing of beauty if you can catch it. Unlike the TV lineup at any other time of the year, it never disappoints.

So since this is our final farewell, dear reader, I want the upcoming summer of TV love to be what you remember me by. Not any of those horrid things I said about the CW or your mother. Since I won’t be around to guide you come September, just remember this bit of wisdom and you’ll always prevail: It’s never lupus.

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