101 Charlie Sheen Quotes

Thursday, March 3, 2011 at 9:23 pm

101 Charlie Sheen Quotes

I tried to resist putting together a massive list of 101 Charlie Sheen quotes, I really did. Unfortunately, Sheen just keeps popping up on the airwaves dropping increasingly winning words of wisdom. At a point, I was left with no option but to spread his teachings to the masses.

If you’ve never witnessed crazy in action, you’re about to make up for lost time. From informing us about the tiger blood pumping through his veins to extolling the virtues of Eminem’s lyrics, Sheen has embarked on a self-delusion spree that’s more epic than Ben-Hur and Lawrence of Arabia combined. Now that I think of it, I’ll bet Sheen had a little something to do with those Hollywood classics. After all, a little known advantage of Adonis DNA is the ability to travel through time. And, yes, Sheen nailed Cleopatra and Marilyn Monroe in a threesome. It’s called “winning,” bro.

While most of these Charlie Sheen quotes are taken from recent television appearances, others stretch back for many years. It shouldn’t be difficult to tell one from the other, though, as the recent blurbs will be the ones that cause your brain to melt from sheer awesomeness.

“Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself.”

“I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction, the fiction of AA. It’s a silly book written by a broken-down fool.”

“I’m different. I have a different brain, I have a different heart… I got tiger blood, man.”

“Well, we couldn’t really call it rehab because we didn’t have a license to operate one, so it was a crisis management centre that we labelled the Sober Valley Lodge. Its primary client achieved radical success.”

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”

“You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”

“Most of the time–and this includes naps–I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air.”

“‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you!”

“My man is an uppercase, George C. Scott HARDCORE”

“It`s hard to be specific about what parts I may have lost. But ultimately, it`s what I`m known for.”

“Your perimeter’s been breached. You got work to do bro.”

“They can’t hang with me. Their bones would melt like wax.”

“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

“You see, my brother [Emilio Estevez] didn`t go as nuts as I did when he started getting that first taste of it all. I just thought that`s what you`re supposed to do. You become a fucking overnight success and suddenly everything`s free.”

“Everybody has a black belt and carries a gun. I don’t mess with people.”

“Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words, imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.”

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total, bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

“I could say: Hey kids your dad’s a rockstar.”

“Come Wednesday morning, they’re gonna name it ‘Charlie Brothers,’ not Warner Brothers, DUH. Winning. And it’s not convincing anybody. It’s like guys, it’s right there. IMDB. 62 movies. A ton of success. I mean, come on bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. Wasn’t even warm.”

“AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”

“This is me not on drugs, bro.”

“I look like a gangster? Well, I feel like a gangster.”

“I don`t really hang out with a lot of people anymore. In the past I always had to surrounded myself with a crowd. Today, I just don`t need it. But while my life might seem dull to some, it`s exciting to me. That`s because through my sobriety, I`m finally able to enjoy a level of serenity that I`ve witnessed in other people but never had myself. And that kind of self-contentment can`t be purchased or acquired. It has to be earned. I`m trying to earn it. Everyday.”

“The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.”

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“What was she doing with a shrimp fork in her purse?”

“Sorry man, didn’t make the rules.”

“The last time I took drugs I probably took more that anyone could survive.”

“There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. And when you lose sight of what side you`re walking on, that`s when you are in trouble.”

“They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, ‘I can’t process it!'”

“I’m going to hang out with these two smoooooking hotties and fly privately around the world.”

“I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”

“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh…this terrestrial realm.”

“Top Gun rockstar. Awesome.”

“I`m personally trying to change my image and change things about myself but they don`t want to let it die. I guess there are more sales in controversy. They should change the title of Hard Copy to Hard Charlie or Sheen Copy, Christ I`m on there twice a week I should get some royalties maybe.”

“They couldn’t extinguish my pilot light. And that was a mistake.”

“I am battle tested bayonets!”

“Public speaking is a tremendous fear of mine. The Tonight Show, David Letterman. I would always do a few shots or take an anti-whatever, some prescription relaxation deal and go out there and just kind of just flow with it.”

“It’s a metaphor for having absolute rocket fuel in my veins.”

“I’m a runaway freakin juggernaut.”

“I’m 45, I’ve got five kids, and I’ve been dumped on for too long.”

“I’m entertained as hell. I’m not saying that it’s not true, but I’m saying I’m laughing. And I’m laughing with the goddesses; I’m laughing with my friends.”

“Celebrate this movement.”

“I’m not recovering like some pussy.”

“People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”

“Don’t be worried, don’t be worried. I am grandiose because I live a grandiose life; what’s wrong with that?”

“Bring me a freakin challenge somebody.”

“You should have read the directions before you came to the party.”

“Work fuels the soul.”

“In sobriety they teach you to think the drink through. Don`t just think about having the drink and how good it`s going to feel. Think through to the next morning, how it`s going to influence you, the shame, how it`s going to trigger the domino effect.”

“The hardest were those first 30 days sober. Then, three months and six months. But if I compare the amount of time I`ve been sober to the amount of time I`ve partied, well, let`s just say I`ve still got a lot of catching up to do.”

“I’m sorry man…I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips.”

“I dare you to keep up with me.”

“Basically, they strapped on their diapers.”

“Faith is for winners. Hope is for losers.”

“There is such a thing as too much fun. It gets redundant. How many times can you wake up and struggle to remember your name, her name and where you are?”

“One of my favorite poets is Eminem.”

“[Studios] won`t hire you, even though you screwed the same whores and ate the bullet for it. Yet they pull you aside at a party and say you`re their hero for the things you do.”

“I’ve got three words for him: Am. A. Teur.”

“There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper.”

“One of my fondest memories is when Slash, from Guns N` Roses, sat me down at his house and said, `You`ve got to clean up your act.` You know you`ve gone too far when Slash is saying, `Look, you`ve got to get into rehab, you have to shut it down.'”

“I nearly died, which is about as bad as you can get. I`m totally convinced that drugs and alcohol brought me very close to death two or three times, and it`s more luck than anything else that I`m still alive.”

“We work for the Pope.”

“We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be?”

“I did that garbage film with my brother (Men at Work (1990)) That didn`t work. I did an action movie Navy Seals (1990). That didn`t work. I did a buddy cop picture (The Rookie (1990)) with Clint Eastwood. I figured that one was a shoo-in. It was an honor to work with Clint. I don`t know what happened. I must have caught him one movie to early. Not to make excuses, but 600,000 of Clint`s biggest fans were in the Persian Gulf fighting a war when The Rookie (1990) came out. That`s a poor excuse for a flop, isn`t it?”

“Look at these sad trolls.”

“Ambien. Hello. Ambien. Hello. The devil’s aspirin.”

“The only thing I got excited about was catching the last drop of blood just before his beheaded silly dome made contact with my beautiful wooden floor in my home in front of my children.”

“If people could just read behind the hieroglyphic.”

“I have one speed, one gear: go.”

“All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.”

“At age 16. I was arrested for possession of marijuana. Then I was arrested again a year later for this five-day crime spree, where I`d go to the Beverly Hills Hotel and tell people that I`d been a guest and lost my term paper. They`d let me look through the trash, where I`d find all these credit-card receipts and use the numbers to make phone orders.”

“I have to right this unconscionable wrong. Many people are suffering. And I’m the only guy who can affect the change.”

“I have spent I think close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.”

“I have 12 tattoos, and I wish I hadn`t gotten so many now. It`s hard when you have to take your shirt off two hours in make-up and it doesn`t cover them.”

“I use a blender. I use a vacuum cleaner.”

“Why give an interview when you can leave a warning?”

“What’s not to love? Especially when you see how I party, it was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards and all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.”

“I’m a peaceful man with bad intentions.”

“Can’t is the Cancer of Happen.”

“I healed in like two days.”

“Duh, anybody who wants to ignore it deserves to have their privates fondled by some clown that worked at Wal-mart seven minutes before that.”

“I’m proud of what I created. It was Radical.”

“I’m on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front.”

“I was disappointed. I think people misinterpret my passion for anger.”

That concludes our list of 101 Charlie Sheen quotes. Now that you’ve finished, I hope you realize the sheer futility in messing with the Sheenster. The man is winning, bro, winning. Attempting to interfere with the aforementioned winning will result in your getting shot out of the sky by an F-18 that looks an awful lot like Charlie Sheen…just like that pussy Thomas Jefferson.

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