HOLLYWOOD, California -- According to researchers, early Homo sapien bones show anatomical features that could only have arisen if the adult female in question had Neanderthal ancestors as part of her lineage.

Visual evidence that neanderthals can dance

The findings may answer nagging questions: Did modern humans and Neanderthals interbreed on a significant scale? And were the Neanderthals exterminated about 28,000 years ago -- as some anthropologists contend -- or did they gradually assimilate into the gene pool of people living today?

Dats da namea dat tune!

To find the answer to these questions, UnNews travelled to the the city with the greatest concentration of neanderthal descendants in America: Hollywood, California. Startling eye-witness accounts have rumored that Christie Brinkley, Julie Roberts, Maria Shriver, Katie Holmes and Pamela Anderson have actually mated with neanderthals, with a total of 8 half-breed offspring produced. Suspicion persists that the offspring of Anderson are 100% neanderthal.

When reached for comment, Suri Cruise replied in the affirmative with a petite little "blurp".