Tuesday, June 25, 2002 Edition: #2326The coffee this morning is terrible! At least, the piece I had was.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:TONIGHT Billy Joel’s new stage musical “Movin’ Out” begins a 6-week world premiere engagement at Chicago’s Shubert Theater before opening on Broadway in OCTOBER (unfortunately Billy won’t be there ‘cause he can’t get a day pass from rehab) . . . TONIGHT at the annual ”Black Entertainment Television Awards”, Earth, Wind & Fire receives a ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ and Muhammad Ali a humanitarian award . . . Kevin Bacon, Robert Duvall, Susan Sarandon and director Martin Scorsese, Beau Bridges, Drew Carey, Kermit the Frog and Suzanne Somers are among those who will receive a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame in 2003 (to qualify, your fan club or friends have to apply for it — and pay for it!) . . . Russell Crowe has just been named ‘Worst Signer of the Year’ by “Autograph Collector” magazine because he not only refuses to sign but also berates autograph seekers on a regular basis (Britney Spears ranked 2nd) . . . Wrestling is taking a hit in ratings — WWE’s “Smackdown” has lost 35% of its core audience (12-to-17-year-old males) over the past year and “Raw Is War” is off 19% (time to find a new superstar!) . . . And Russian magazine “World Wide eXile” has been ordered to pay NHL star Pavel Bure 500,000 rubles in damages for attributing him as the source of a trashy story titled “Horrifying News – Anna Kournakova Has Two Vaginas!”.

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:Russell Crowe stars in “A Beautiful Mind”, the true story of math genius John Nash, who overcame years of suffering schizophrenia to win a Nobel Prize (winner of 4 Oscars — ‘Best Picture’, ‘Best Director’ [Ron Howard], ‘Best Supporting Actress’ [Jennifer Connelly], ‘Best Non-Original Screenplay’) . . . Robert Altman’s 1930s murder mystery “Gosford Park” stars an ensemble cast and was nominated for 6 Academy Awards (it won ‘Best Original Screenplay’) . . . And just before a new version of the Oscar Wilde comedy “The Importance of Being Earnest” goes into wide release (starring Rupert Everett), the original 1952 film starring Michael Redgrave is out in a ‘Critics Collection’ DVD version.

BETWEEN THE COVERS:There are 2 books on country music star Tim McGraw coming, one a behind-the-scenes peek at his life due in NOVEMBER, the other a fatherhood memoir on what it means to be a famous husband and father (likely in time for next Father’s Day) . . . 21-year-old R&B singer Ashanti will publish her 1st book of poetry and reflections on love and relationships in NOVEMBER . . . And Brit chick-flick actor Hugh Grant is planning to write a tell-all autobiography (to be titled “Four Hookers & a Hummer”?).

BEATING THE BLUES:A new self-help book called “How to Say Goodbye to Depression” by Hiroyuki Nishigaki claims you can cure depression by — clenching your butt cheeks 100 times a day. The author cites the case of a 70-year-old man who has been doing it for at least 20 years, and who claims to feel 20 years younger. The author notes that it’s a versatile therapy — you can clench while doing just about anything else! (Gosh, I’m doing it right now! Too much information?)

THE SECRET TO A LONG LIFE:Studies show that men who hug and kiss their wives before leaving for work every morning live an average 5 years longer, have fewer car accidents, and earn up to 30% more than those who don’t. (Well yeah, forget to do it – and you’re dead!)

ALIEN DESTINATION:According to figures released YESTERDAY, Scotland has the world’s highest concentration of UFO sightings. About 300 are reported each year, the most per capita of any country and also the most by area. There is 1 UFO sighting for every 17,000 inhabitants in Scotland compared to 1 per 61,200 in Canada, and just 1 per 136,450 in the US. (Odds are if you polish off a bottle of single-malt in a local pub, you’ll be seeing weird little men in skirts making weird noises on pipes, too.)

THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY:Researchers at Tufts Human Nutrition Research Center have found that up to 40% of the vitamins in breakfast cereal quickly dissolve when milk is added. So to get full benefit from fortified cereals, you have to drink the leftover milk. (You know, the pink goo at the bottom of your Fruit Loops.)

LAW & DISORDER:• An Australian man is suing the Jannali Inn bar in Sydney and one its patrons because the customer allegedly was walking around — with pork chops taped to his feet. 25-year-old Troy Bowron claims he broke his arm when he slipped on the greasy floor caused by the impromptu pork chop shoes. (Gee, think any booze was involved in this case?)
• The pastor of the ‘Great Deliverance Spiritual Baptist Church’ in Crown Heights NY and his wife have been charged with 1st-degree assault for allegedly trying to cure a woman’s walking problems — by cutting her feet with razor blades, dousing them with hot wax and setting them on fire! They then apparently waited 9 days to call an ambulance for her. The victim had gone to the oddball church hoping to regain the use of her legs. Now it looks as if she’ll lose at least part of one foot. (What’s the proper sentence in this case?)
• In a so-called ‘sweeping reform’, Iran has just raised the minimum age of marriage for girls to — 13. Previously it was 9! The new law stipulates that marriage of girls under 13 and boys under 15 will require court permission. (Slowly and surely Iran is moving toward life in a new century – the 17th.)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:• A Thai man claims he’s been eating up to 15 live lizards a day to keep him free of stomach pains. 48-year-old Suwan Meunlow says he’s swallowed up to 15 live geckos every day for the last 30 years which has freed him from stomach problems and increased his sexual power.
• The Queensland Police Union in Australia says a replacement station is badly needed in Mareeba. Funds are so scarce at the station, there are no holding cells. Suspects are detained by being ordered to stand in a square painted on the floor and not to move.
• Animal rights activists are targeting a delicatessen in the seaside resort of Sandwich, England that’s started selling ‘donkey sausages’. The Donkey Sanctuary claims Dominique Levet’s $5-sausages should be banned due to the ‘horrific conditions’ faced by donkeys transported from Eastern Europe. (Would you pay 5 bucks for a piece of ass?)

GIANT WEB SALE:NEXT MONTH “Spider-Man” creator Stan Lee is auctioning off all of his original artwork and comics. The Chicago sale, thought to be the largest-ever of comic book memorabilia, is
expected to raise well over $4 million. So why’s he selling? Lee, who also created “The incredible Hulk”, says he simply doesn’t need his giant stash of toons anymore. (Not to mention the fact that its value has gone up about 1000% in the past month.)

TODAY is “Log Cabin Day”, honoring the structure that has become the ‘American Folk Dwelling’, a symbol of both self-reliance and practicality. When people started moving west across the country, they needed homes that could be built fast. The log cabin was the answer since it could be built with materials found on hand. Presidents Andrew Jackson and Abraham Lincoln were both born in log cabins. The state of Michigan holds it’s annual “Log Cabin Day” on the last SUNDAY of JUNE when the public is invited to visit historic, authentic, unique and picturesque cabins statewide.

TODAY is “LEON Day”. ‘LEON’ is ‘NOEL’ spelled backwards. It means there’s exactly 6 months until Christmas (in other words, we’re as far away from the panicky holiday season rush as we can get!).

BULL’S BITS . . .
VENT YOUR SPLEEN:
(First, line up a likely phone participant.) “We’ll give you a list of questions your partner might ask you, but this morning you don’t have to worry about diplomacy, or hurting feelings, or getting into trouble — just say what you’d really like to say!”
• Do these pants make me look fat?
• Wouldn’t it be nice if my mother could stay with us for a month?
• Can I borrow your brand new car?
• Do you want to get married?
• What’s wrong with my friends?
• I know baseball is on but would you help me clean the house?
• Can I borrow $600 for a new pair of shoes?
• Can you taste this, I think it’s gone bad?
• Don’t order the same entree as me, I want to try what you’re having.
• Don’t you think one beer is enough?
• Do you like my new hair-do?
• Why don’t you want to have kids?
• Pardon me for living?

WHICH CAME FIRST?• The La-Z-Boy recliner or the TV remote? [The first La-Z-Boy recliner was a wooden contraption invented way back in 1928. The first TV remote control was developed in 1950 by the Zenith Radio Corporation and was christened ‘Lazy Bones’.]
• Vaseline petroleum jelly or Pamela Anderson? [Vaseline was registered in 1878. The earliest Pam could’ve started using the stuff was in 1967, when she was born.]
• The first flyswatter or Babe Ruth? [The first flyswatter was constructed from a yardstick and a piece of screen in 1905 and originally called a ‘fly bat’. Babe Ruth was born in Baltimore 10 year earlier in 1895.]
• The first man in space or singer George Michael? [George Michael was born 39 years ago TODAY in 1963. The Soviets launched the first man into space 2 years earlier in 1961.]
• Airplanes or submarines? [The 1st-ever sub was tested in 1747. The 1st plane didn’t fly till 1903.]
• The sport of surfing or ‘Tide’ detergent? [Surfing was invented by the Polynesians. Captain Cook made note of it in Oahu way back in 1778. ‘Tide’ detergent was created in 1943.]
• Rollerblades or scooters? [Scooters were popular as early as the 1920s, then experienced a revival with Razor Scooters in the 1990s. Rollerblades were invented in Minnesota in 1980.]
• Velcro or the zipper? [Canadian Gideon Sundback invented the modern zipper in 1913. Velcro didn’t come along until 1956.]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:Today’s Question: According to men, this is the #1 ‘female flaw’ that actually turns them on.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Less than perfect teeth.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:When forced to choose between two evils, try the new one.