Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

December 17, 2003

BLOGGING HIATUS ADVISORY

This blog is going to be on Holiday Hiatus for the next few weeks or so, because this blog has a bunch of deadline obligations imposed by cruel heartless editors who believe that just because a person says he is going to write something by a certain date, that person is supposed to actually produce something by that date.

If you can imagine anything so medieval.

So anyway, thanks to all of you who've been reading and/or sending in heartwarming and uplifting stories, a huge percentage of which seem to involve urine. You all have yourselves a Happy Hanukah (sometimes spelled "Chappy Chanukah"), a Cool Yule, a Krazy Kwanza, or whatever religious concept you observe at this time. See you in January.

WHY WE LOVE MIAMI

December 15, 2003

URGENT CAMPAIGN ADVISORY

Ted Habte-Gabr, Field Coordinator for the Dave Barry for President campaign and lunatic, informs us that he will be appearing at the end of Court TV (5-6 p.m. EST) today to talk about the outrageous violation of his constitutional right to carry a Dave Barry for President banner on the Today Show (see detailed first-person report published on this blog yesterday).

REALLY TASTEFUL GIFTS

GOOD POINT

Doesn't Saddam Hussein look like an Iraqi Santa Claus in the latest pictures? Of course, he's anything but jolly, but I couldn't help thinking of that as I saw the video of his dental exam, er, I mean, DNA test. I half expected him to go, "Ho, ho, ho!"

CAMPAIGN UPDATE

My hotel in Cleveland was next to a Sign store. Knowing that I would be in NYC a couple days later, I got to thinking, “Today Show or bust!” So I got a really nice looking professional banner -- red, white and blue, that said "Dave Barry for President", and the slogan, “(your political beliefs here)”, just below it.

Friday morning, I headed for the outdoor crowd at the Today Show. There is a fenced in area where fans are permitted in after going thru a minor security check which involved wanding me, presumably, for firearms, etc. and then they ask to see my banner. The exchange went like this:

NBC Security: Let me wand you real quick.

Ted: Sure, no problem. Do you want me to take my shoes off?

NS: (smiling) no that’s not necessary, but we’ll need to see your banner.

NS: This is political. We check the banners to make sure they are ok with NBC. Just a few minutes ago we turned down a “Yankees Suck” banner.

Ted: Yeah, that’s tasteless. Good call, but this isn’t political. Dave Barry is a humorist. It’s a joke.

NS: But he’s running for president.

Ted: Yes, as a joke. Remember Pat Paulson? Dave’s been running since 1992. It’s a joke. Definitely not political.

NS: You can talk to my supervisor if you want.

Ted: Sure. (super is summoned by radio and arrives shortly)

NS: This guy wants to take this banner in there. He says it’s a joke, and not political.

Supervisor: I don’t get it.

Ted: It’s a joke. Dave Barry is a humorist and runs for president every four years. He’s been on the Today Show and even talked about his campaign on the air.

Supervisor: Sure looks political to me.

Ted: (I reach into brief case and produce an actual photo of Al Roker holding a Dave Barry for President bumper sticker in one hand and giving the thumbs up in the other.) Here, look, even Al Roker approves. Check out this picture. He’s even giving the thumbs up! He gets it.

Supervisor (thinking): What if someone bigger than Al Roker has a problem with it?

Ted: Someone bigger than Al Roker?

Supervisor: You know what I’m talking about. I mean some NBC boss.

Ted: They’ll get it. It’s a joke.

Supervisor: I can't assume what they'll think. Sorry, but I can’t let you in with it.... That’s a well made sign... THAT's a joke? It’s political as far as we are concerned. Sorry but I can’t let you in with it.

THE HORROR

I think I can top everyone.� In the late 1970's I was serving in the US Army doing top secret stuff in in a semi trailer in Germany.� Because it was top secret we were required to play "cover music" so anybody eavesdropping on us would be unable to pick out the really important stuff.� The army thoughtfully provided us with a tape player that played continuous loop audio tape and one music tape consisting entirely of Christmas carols played on Hawaiian slack key guitars.� All winter we worked 12 hour shifts in an unheated steel box listening to the same songs played over and over and over on Hawaiian slack key guitars.

TRUE

RETAIL MUSIC CONTINUED: THE CLERKS STRIKE BACK

I worked retail throughout high school and college.� If meeting the many the morons in your community while also being forced to cope with shopping mall music eight to twelve hours each day doesn't turn you into a misanthrope, nothing will.�

During busy periods such as Christmas (holiday Muzak) and the back-to-school sale season (orchestrated Beach Boys songs), one of the clerks would bring in a favorite tape on which was one song that acted as therapy for the clerks and would more than decimate the customer horde.� We'd slip in the tape when the boss left and play the Replacements' song "Customer" at top volume (luckily, we had a tape player that went to 11).� The tape would be rewound and the song replayed as often as necessary (or until the boss returned or mall security was spotted).

Simple song with lyrics that aren't sung so much as screamed:

I'm in love with the girl
Who works at the store
Where I'm nothing but a customer