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3 (Foolish) Methods of Staying Awake at THON

One of the most well known aspects of THON is the championed group insomnia that is dancing for 46 hours straight. Essentially, it’s like watching “Twilight” with your girlfriend: It sounds like a great idea at first but midway through you’ll be physically and emotionally drained. At the end, you’re but a mockery of anything that represents human life and you probably smell. How does a person actually go about staying awake for 46 hours? I present to you my foolproof strategies on giving the finger to the Sandman during the THON festivities.

Plan A: Tough it out
People following this plan are what we in the Liberal Arts department call “a control group.” This plan banks on unwavering confidence, lots of stamina, and possible insanity. Generally, a human being sleeps somewhere in the range of 6-8 hours a day. That gives you roughly 16 hours of blissful whimsy before hitting a wall of cracked eyes and an impatient Freddy Kruger. Even at best estimates, this plan only allows for 20 hours of holding off sleep deprivation. Those other 26 are a grind but you picked Plan A. You can’t back out now. The kids look up to you.

Plan B: Lots and lots of coffee
Let’s face it: If you’re going to get through this thing, you’re going to need drugs. Now, don’t get me wrong. Drugs are bad, mmkay? So, instead of a “drug” we’ll start with a “mild addictive stimulant.” I’m talking about coffee. Coffee comes in all kinds of blends and you could even consume it as ice cream or candy since nobody else eats them. According to Harvard (the poor man’s Yale), moderate coffee consumption doesn’t cause harm and even has health benefits. If you spread it out throughout the day, coffee can keep you alert and on the move. Studies also suggest that coffee may decrease the chance of colon cancer. And isn’t fighting cancer the main reason Albert J. Thon stole four diamonds from Ohio State and danced in celebration on the very first THON weekend? I’m pretty sure it is. One thing to consider, though: You’ll probably be taking the coffee intravenously in order to stay awake. Doing so may lead to cardiovascular problems. Also, drinking that much coffee may cause that warm feeling you get on THON weekend to ruin your pants.

Plan C: A THON within a THON
This is the only strategy of staying awake that is 100% guaranteed. In order to pull this off, you’ll need an exceedingly wealthy Japanese man, 5 sweater vests, at least 10 semi-automatic pistols, sedatives, dramatic music and Leonardo DiCaprio. Next, you take every person in the BJC into a dream world. If you can go deep enough in the dream, that 46 hours in the dream world only lasts 1.5 seconds in real life. You’ll also have to fight off Leo’s murderous wife and perform Inception on Graham Spanier so tuition gets lowered. After activating the kick and waking everybody up, THON will be over and another record amount of money will have been raised. OR WILL IT? DUN DUN DUN!

It is that time of year again. The weather is getting warmer when it feels like it and we switch to shorter pants just as the insects begin to multiply. It is a magical time of year that some of us will see for the last time in State College. For those lucky few, not going to class this week is a sign of maturity. With a college degree ensured, the world awaits you. Unless you’re in the Liberal Arts, of course. Then, your mother’s couch awaits you. However, there exist among us the ones that dare to take it to the next level. The ones that can’t get enough binge drinking, construction, and parking citations. The ones that will never graduate. How do they do it? Very, very smugly. These are the keys to never leaving Penn State.