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diary of a gay nerd

Last year I blogged about Homeless Shelters. There is a huge problem in Bakersfield with the Homeless shelter, they don’t have enough room for all the homeless people. I’ve spoken with several homeless people about going to the homeless shelter and they have all told me that they’ve tried, and that it’s always full. How can a city not have enough room for all the homeless?

I’ve been going to physical therapy because I broke my leg in December. A few weeks ago we left PT and decided to go to John’s Burgers for lunch, and we saw a homeless man who was camped out across the street with a lawn chair, and he had a shopping cart towering above him. My partner decided that he was going to buy him 2 burgers, fries and a drink. So we left the drive-thru and drove across the street and he parked the car in the parking lot. He got out of the car to give him his food and I stayed in the car because I was still using crutches and the wheelchair.

He came back to the car and told me that the homeless man had all of the belongings that he was able to take with him when he became homeless. He also had several bags of cans and bottles for recycling. But what was most surprising is that he said to my partner “You mean to tell me that you saw me and you thought enough about me to buy me food?” He was practically in tears. We’ve fed many homeless people who seemed ungrateful for the food because they wanted money instead. It was refreshing to actually have someone feel surprised and say thank you.

In my previous blog post about homeless shelters, I said that I wish I had the money to build a shelter with those Japanese hotel containers that are stackable with twin beds in them. But, I’ve been watching several shows where people build tiny houses for themselves. They’re like trailers and RV’s, but they are the shape of an actual house with an upstairs loft for their bed. There’s also another upstairs loft on the opposite side for storage, or some people have built an upstairs loft for their entertainment with a couch and TV along with their video collection. I even saw one that was their kids bedroom.

There have been many articles about cities building tiny house communities specifically for homeless people, like the image above. They are about the size of a shed, but they are big enough for 1 person to live in. I mean think about it, if you were homeless, where would you feel most safe? Sleeping on a lawn chair on the sidewalk, or sleeping in one of these shed sized houses? At least in a tiny house you know your stuff is safe because it’s under lock and key, and I’m sure a tiny house community has a community bathroom similar to a trailer park bathroom with showers so they can stay clean.

I’ve had a fantasy that my book sold so many copies that I became rich, but instead of buying a huge mansion for myself like most rich people do, I would stay in the house we live in now, and spend that money on building a tiny house park specifically for homeless people with that trailer park bathroom. The park would have an actual address and each tiny house would have a number, sort of like an apartment number so they can fill out an application so they can get a job and get back on their feet. Once they have enough money saved up in the bank, they can get an apartment and they can get back to a normal life again.

My tiny houses wouldn’t just be a shed sized tiny house, it would have electricity powered by solar panels so they could keep their cell phones charged. You can get a free phone now with unlimited talk and text and 250mb of data per month. It’s probably a cheap flip phone, but it’s a phone that homeless people can use. My tiny houses would also have an actual bed in there so they don’t have to sleep on the floor, and a tv mounted on the wall with the very basic cable, and of course the park would have free Wi-fi for all. Oh and a small fridge and a microwave, and I would also build like a store with a food bank for them, and a laundry mat, and they would all get 3 meals per day. I was actually thinking that I could build a restaurant that they could work in and they could eat for free 3 times a day, and there would be actual paying customers who would donate money on top of their meals to help me so I don’t go from rich to rags and end in living there myself lol.

But… it’s all just a dream since I am not rich.

I was homeless and I lived in the Salvation Army homeless shelter for half a year when I was 17 years old. It wasn’t fun, but they gave me an address and phone number so that I could fill out applications to get a job. When their homeless shelter program ended in May, they helped me rent a room in someone’s house. That’s what I would like to do for the homeless people who cannot get in the shelter.

It’s really unfair to live in a world filled with empty houses and empty apartments, and you can’t live there because you got fired from your job and lost everything, or your parents kicked you out of their house because you were gay. It’s difficult for a homeless person to get a job when they don’t have an address and phone number, or they don’t have the means to take a shower and their clothes are filthy, or they don’t even own a pair of shoes. I’ve seen a homeless guy who didn’t even have any shoes, and I gave him my own shoes.

We live in a tough world, and someone has to make a difference. I can’t do it because I don’t have the money. I could do it if people bought my book. Heck, you don’t even have to buy my book if you have a Kindle with Amazon Prime because it’s free to read for Prime and Kindle Unlimited users. Kindle’s are so cheap now, you can buy a 7″ Kindle Fire with 8GB for only $49.99 and if you have Amazon Prime, you’ll get it fast with free 2 day shipping. So help me help the homeless, buy my book, or read it for free on a Kindle.

I’ve never written a book before Diary of a Gay Nerd, so when it comes to having a social media website to advertise for my book, I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. I do know that I should be advertising my book, like all day, which is the point of having a Facebook page specifically for my book, but I don’t want to shove it down people’s throats. I feel like if people are a fan of my Facebook page, they know it’s a book, so if they like me, then they will buy my book.

I didn’t write it to make money, I wrote it to get my side of the story out. So instead of it being an advertisement for my book, I share pictures and articles that hit a nerve because it may have something to do with how I was treated as a child, teen or adult, and basically to say “See! It’s happening to other people as well.”

Earlier this year I shared an image for women that was basically saying don’t hit your girlfriend or wife. It was an image for domestic violence. I also mentioned in my comment that this applies to women, children and your pets. Don’t hit anyone because no one deserves to be hit. Well, that pissed one man off who I can only assume is either a wife abuser, or the victim of domestic abuse by his female domestic partner. He called me a sexist for standing up for women. Sir, I am sorry if you were abused by a woman, but don’t hold all women accountable for your situation. If you are an abuser, then well, you know where you can go. But don’t call me a sexist for standing up for what I believe, because I think that women should be treated with dignity and respect.

A couple of months ago there was a story about a man who left his child in the car while he was at work. I simply shared the story. I gave no opinion of him as a person, I simply said how sad for the child. Someone verbally attacked me because she thought I was attacking him, and that I should give him a break because people make mistakes and he was probably thinking he dropped the kid off at day care or whatever. Then over the next couple of weeks we found out that he had lied to police and that not only did he leave his child in the car on purpose, but he Googled how long it would take for an animal to die in a car. He was also sexting with someone who was not his wife while his child was dying in the car. But I’m the asshole for sharing the story.

That brings me to yesterday when I shared a story of a man who was yelling at someone because he didn’t like gay people. He kept saying “Cause this is America!” and he used the word faggot and queer several times before kicking a man in a pink shirt in the groin, then proceeded to punch him in the face and on the head before being tackled by a group of people who were only trying to help the man who was being beat up. The whole thing was caught on tape and yet some person shared the story on their personal profile saying she did not find the article on CNN or any Dallas news websites, so it is obviously … Well, let me show you her comment so you can see.

So since they couldn’t find it on any Dallas news website, I decided to look into it, and guess what I found? Go ahead, guess.

“When asked to confirm its authenticity, DFW spokesperson Cynthia Vega says. “Yes, it did happen, and yes, there was an arrest.” We do not know the name of the man taken into custody.Vega is not even sure when it took place: Wednesday or Thursday. We sent the videographer some questions via Facebook earlier today, and await his reply. We have also asked for the police report, and will update when it is made available.”

Sooo…

Look, I am not an expert at knowing what to do and what not to do with a Facebook page for a book, because no one is telling me what I should and should not post. I am on my own here, so if I am doing it wrong I would like to know. I’ve been doing this for almost 3 years and I’ve only had a few complaints. I think I’m doing pretty good.

If you don’t like a story, fine, but don’t shoot the messenger, because I did not write that story, I did not video record the fight or the man being arrested, and I did not stage anything. I shared the article because it hit a nerve. I’ve been yelled at and called a queer and a faggot, so that hit a nerve. I’ve been kicked in the groin by a homophobe, so that hit a nerve. I’ve been punched in the face and in the head by a homophobe, several in fact, and guess what it hit? A nerve! So yeah, I’m going to share the article without verifying it because it looked real to me, and there was no reason to think it wasn’t real.

So CNN didn’t report on this story, okay, so what. I am sure there are literally a thousand stories like this per day that they cannot report on. The local news websites probably didn’t report on it because they are waiting for the videographer to respond to them, hence their crime blog saying they “will update when it is made available.”

If you want to form an opinion of me as a person, or my book as a book, or my Facebook page as a page based on whether I share credible stories from CNN, you are going to have a hard time in life because even the most credible news sources make mistakes from time to time. Fox News reported on a story that turned out to be satire. So tell me again how it’s my responsibility to share ONLY credible news stories again.

If someone wants to stop following me, I can’t control that, but do me a favor, don’t shame me on your profile, because I did not do anything wrong. I shared the story and other credible Facebook pages shared the same story. Are you going to unfollow them too, or was I targeted because you wanted a reason to stop following me?

All I can say to any of these people who hold me accountable for other people’s actions is good luck and have a nice life.

I feel a bit upset tonight. I was on Facebook earlier today when I saw Robin Tyler post a status update from Lewis Black that said:

I wasn’t sure what Rush Limbaugh said, but he is a jerk and everything he says is negative and insensitive. I looked up what he said and here is the quote from Rawstory:

“What is the left’s world view in general?” Limbaugh asked his audience the day after Williams’ death was announced. “If you had to attach, not a philosophy, but an attitude to a leftist world view. It’s one of pessimism, and darkness, sadness. They’re never happy, are they?”

“They’re animated in large part by the false promises of America because the promises of America are not for everyone,” he continued, pointing to a Fox News report that suggested Williams had struggled with financial issues, and survivor’s guilt after the deaths of entertainers like Christopher Reeve, Andy Kaufman and John Belushi.

“Robin Williams felt guilty that he was still alive while his three friends had died young, and much earlier than he had,” the conservative talker explained. “He could never get over the guilt that they died and he didn’t.”

“Well, that is a constant measurement that is made by political leftists in judging the country.”

Later he tried to back pedal by saying he was misquoted. This is what he had to say:

“[A]ll of these low-rent, despicable, irresponsible, pathetic, so-called media watchdogs on the left are trying to make it sound like I said Robin Williams gave up because he was a liberal, and he’s hopelessly doomed to misery and despair because that’s what liberals are devoted to. And I said no such thing.”

He has no room to talk negative about anyone and frankly he has the biggest balls of steel to even still be on the radio talking trash about other people. I mean, what good has he done in his life? Robin Williams was a good person and he lived a good life. He made everyone happy every time he opened his mouth, what has Rush Limbaugh done to make anyone happy when he opened his mouth? All he does is talk negative trash about everyone, unless they are conservatives, then he praises them, even when they do stupid things.

Instead of saying negative things about the man, just shut the fuck up! I apologize for my language but I’m at that point where it’s going to come out.

Shepard Smith called Robin Williams a coward just hours after he committed suicide. HOURS! Can you believe that? He later apologized for it, but it’s still out there.

“Something inside you is so horrible or you’re such a coward or whatever the reason that you decide that you have to end it. Robin Williams, at 63, did that today,”

You cannot give your opinion about something that you know nothing about. If you have never suffered through depression or even contemplated suicide, then you have no right to talk negatively about someone who has.

I have suffered, and am still suffering through depression. I have PTSD from my childhood. I have been depressed since I was a child. People who are depressed don’t let anyone know they are depressed, so they put up a front to make it look like they are happy. I’m constantly trying to lighten the mood by cracking jokes or making puns because I want people to think I’m happy.

Suicide is not a decision to be taken lightly. It is not easy, and you are not a coward. If you have thought about taking your own life, it is not something that you just decide to do, then do it. You have to be going through some really bad stuff for a long time and be wishing you were dead throughout that long time. You don’t just decide today I’m going to kill myself. That comes from years of depression and years of people treating you like crap.

I attempted suicide for the first time when I was around 12 or 13 years old. I didn’t just decide today is the day, no this was after years of being treated like crap by my step father. My sister had started treating me like crap when I was 9 years old, and by the time I decided to commit suicide, my baby sister had joined in on the fun. I was also being beat up at school because I was gay and being called names like fag, faggot, mother fucker, asshole… you name it, I was called it. My step father had been calling me a sissy since I learned to walk and when I was 12 or 13 made a comment that “he wished they would put all the faggots on an island and kill them all” right in front of me. My sister started calling me a bastard when I was 9 and a mother fucker when I was 11. Just imagine what I was going through on a daily basis. So yeah, I was severely depressed and severely suicidal.

How did I try to commit suicide you ask? Well, it started out punching myself in the face in my bedroom. Not because I was trying to get a bruise so I could say my family did it to me because I knew I didn’t bruise, but because I was punishing myself every time they punished me. Then I started to choke myself by holding my finger right on the spot on my neck where the airway was. I would hold it for as long as I could. Sometimes I would hold it until my natural reaction was to let go to breathe again, but then I would just keep holding it until I had passed out. I would wake up in the morning and be pissed off at myself because I thought it would work. Of course when I did that, it was while I was laying in bed. I wanted it to look like I went to sleep and just didn’t wake up. I tried that nearly every night for months.

There are other times that I tried to commit suicide that I wrote about in my book in detail, so if you want to read those stories, buy my book.

All I’m saying is, you cannot judge a person based on why they committed suicide, because you simply do not know what is going on in their private lives to make that judgment. So next time you say that it was because of this or that, well you just don’t know and you should get the facts before you say anything. I don’t know why he committed suicide and I will never know.

I am so beyond sad that he died, but I was so happy that this world had such an awesome man entertain us for so many years. It kills me inside that he died and it kills me even more that people have to be such assholes by saying such horrible things about him.

Rest in peace you wonderful funny man. I loved you so much and I will never forget you.