Thursday, January 1, 2009

With all that has been going on I have really been wanting to write, but with all the uncertainty I just couldn't put it in ink. Then today, with the coming of the New Year came the first in a series of things that are still bound to happen which can't be "good", but are keeping me from moving forward came to a close.

As much as I should be glad to see so many things go away with the year that brought them most of the damage and pain will always be associated with this day. With the loss of the Job, came failure to get paid for which the damage occurs on January 1. I have always said that the damage to me I can handle, but when it hurts my family I just can't take it. If my former employer fails to pay me by 5:00 tomorrow, everything I have worked for in twenty-five years will be in jeopardy. How long I can keep it together I do not know, but if they actually come through I should be fine until I find a new job and hopefully start by the end of the month. Only time will tell.

Most of all today will always be remembered as the day my Grandpa died. He was the one who I spent my summers with growing up. Running around the sawmill, working in the garden, and walking in the woods. My father undoubtedly influenced me more, but if you look at who I am, I am much more my grandfather. From the things that I value most, to my tastes, passions, and interests he is very much in me. When I look at my gifts, talents and weeknesses, they are undoubtedly from my father. But if you look at my outlook, patience, strength, and determination, it is all my grandpa. The last thing I would want to remember about his passing is that it came at a low point in my personal life.

The thing is...it didn't. No matter how bad things are professionally and financially when it comes to my family, my relationships with my wife and daughter, and my relationship with myself have never been stronger. It seems like for the first time in years I really do know who I am, what I want to be and where I want to go. one of the hardest things in dealing with all of this is figuring out how this can be with everything falling apart around me. Then I remember...he is how, because he is in me. For it is the part of him that is in me that gives me the tools I need for what is ahead.

This is why I know no matter how bad it feels today, and what might happen in the coming weeks, when it is all said and done...This will be a happy new year.