So, you want the good news or the bad news? Parents galore extol the common joys of having a baby, but rarely do they post Facebook photos and status updates covering the less glamorous elements of raising a child.

Allow me to elaborate.

1. Child-birth is a horror movie.

My God – the screams. The blood. The everything else. And I wasn’t even the one doing the pushing. I thought I was prepared – I read books, I taped that SBS series about life in a British maternity ward, I watched the scene from Aliens where tiny creatures burst forth from swollen bellies in a geyser of blood and gore.

But then arrived the monster of emotion that is a woman giving birth.

And the torrent of bodily fluids that preceded my son’s arrival.

It was like a bloody crime scene in that hospital room. I’m nominating the blood-spattered shoes still sitting in my cupboard at home as Exhibit A.

2. Parenting is tedious.

I’ve heard people say that there’s never a dull moment when you’ve got kids. Whatever.

Kids go through phases of obsession. One month it’s a troupe of blokes in colourful skivvies, the next it’s toy trains.

It’s lovely, initially, to share the joy of doing something your child adores, and there’s definitely a chance to reminisce about your own childhood pastimes as you crouch down in the playroom to mould another worm/car/Wiggles voodoo doll out of plasticine.

But long before they tire of whatever it is they are doing, you are going to be bored out of your mind, unless you spent pre-parent weekends playing piggy in the middle and rolling Matchbox cars down the driveway.

3. Weet-Bix plus milk equals concrete.

My boy is the quintessential Weet-Bix kid – he’d eat it breakfast, lunch and dinner if he could (he actually does when my resolve is waning, which is to say, pretty frequently).

But, far out! Never before has a substance existed with such remarkable adhesive properties.

Forget to clean up that grey-brown splatter of cereal beneath the high chair at your peril – you’re going to need a chisel and half an hour of hard labour to get it off once it dries.

No-one ever tells you about THAT in ante-natal classes.

What’s on your list of things nobody tells you about at ante-natal classes?