The One With the Sonogram at the End

Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us,
kissing is as important as any part of it.

Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah!

Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

Monica: Absolutely.

Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act,
y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd
comes out.

Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that...
that's not why we bought the ticket.

Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great
the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're
in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time
you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker
(Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]

Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to
him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front
of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the
ring, which makes it so much harder...

Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!

Chandler and Joey:Oh! Yeah!

Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?

Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!

Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...

Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the
kitchen with...

Chandler: ...Dinah?

Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...

Monica: You didn't.

Rachel: Oh, I am sorry...

Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of
the glass pan.)

Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!

Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring
in a lasagne...

Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do it.

Chandler: Boys? We're going in.

(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the
door which Monica answers.)

Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.

Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.

Ross: Carol's pregnant.

Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it!

Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...

Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about
now. (He enters.)

Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for
you, didn't she?

Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him.

Ross: Aw, Mom...

Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?

Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking,
or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-

Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.

Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same
pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)

Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?

Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)

Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy.

Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you
planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some
of the heat off me.

[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]

Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the
club, they were not playing very well.

Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty
thousand dollars is a lot of money!

Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...

Monica: What's that supposed to mean?

Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression.

Monica: No it's not.

Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have
been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were
just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who
need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other
people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people
who never get cancer.

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank
God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem.

Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on
with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to
share with the folks?

Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise
you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well,
here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant
with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

(Stunned silence ensues.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.]

Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh?

Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they
take their time, they get the job done.

Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's
gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too
terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give
Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...

Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?

Ross: Got me.

Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love-
and that'd be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?

Ross: Yes, yes!

Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.)

Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his
hand.)

[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]

Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big
dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.

Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say
all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!

Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever
imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is
too hard. I'm not, I can't do-

Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea?

All: Yeah. Yeah. A little.

Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for
sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..

Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be
involved in this particular thing right now.

(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches hes ear. He returns and
stares at it.)

Ross: Oh my God.

Susan: Look at that.

Carol: I know.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram.
Rachel is on the phone.]

Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing?

Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?

Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.

Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it
kinda looks like an old potato.

Ross: Then don't do that, alright?

Phoebe: Okay!

Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing)Monica. Whaddya think?

Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm.

Ross: Wh- are you welling up?

Monica: No.

Ross: You are, you're welling up.

Monica: Am not!

Ross: You're gonna be an aunt.

Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!

Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry
today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I
really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up
getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline
and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot,
but I feel so much better now.