Hi All,Just had an exchange with Joe Smith, and he commented about me wanting more details, that it was tough.

Here's the deal: I have no clue about your inner workings if you've been abused, other than what I have read here.

Therefore, yes, I want EVERY detail about what a man thinks from the moment he wakes up in the morning until the next morning when he wakes up again.

Such as: I don't want to get out of bed, it's raining & rain is a trigger.

Or, I havea full schedule today, I'm already behind, let's get on project number 1.

Or: I'd like to date, that girl over by the meat case looks nice, but what will she say if I walk over? Will she be able to tell I'be been abused? Or what if she want to touch me? "Love" is yucky....Yuck! I'd rather be alone. Maybe I'll just watch her and see what she does. Maybe she'll wander over here and say "hi" to me. Maybe I'll leave the store first.

Or: If that guy says one more thing impugning my manhood, I'm going to hit him in the jaw. He better hope that's all I do.

hi disappointed i hope you dont feel all alone in wanting information, and yes it is hard to put it in words because so often there seems to be no thought process it is so much more about feelings and particularly fear. that is for me anyway. things that remind us of "that time" or worse "those times " cause feelings that seem impossible to control. these things build in us over a lifetime little decisions made along the way become the base for our autopilot so to speak undoing these things can be very difficult. I hope that helps some Jeff

_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.Philip Sidney

Therefore, yes, I want EVERY detail about what a man thinks from the moment he wakes up in the morning until the next morning when he wakes up again.

In all honesty it would probably take me weeks to write down everything I think about in a day, anxiety (constantly thinking about the "what if's" and every possible solution to every situation I could find myself in) mixed with ADD really doesn't give me any time to stop thinking. While I may look relaxed my mind is racing faster than I would've ever thought possible, even in my sleep I have nightmares every night, so bad that I only tell people the small, more "normal" parts of them. I always want to go out and do fun things, enjoy the things people normally are able to enjoy, but I always tell myself ".. after you're done doing that you're just going to go back to the terrible life you have, so what's the point?..." so I end up doing the same thing every day, nothing. Constantly feeling unworthy of anyone's time, incredible amount of stress, can never accept any compliments, etc.

These are all things that nobody else sees (there's so much more too), I always put on that fake smile and laugh just like most of the guys here...

Not sure if this is anything you're asking about or if I'm just rambling on but that's pretty much an average day for me, I wish I had more positive/optimistic things to say lol! But I guess it is what it is...

I'm not sure if I can give all the details you'd want, but here are some things that I've thought throughout the course of recovery. Generally the frequency these things have come up is a direct result of how much recovery I've done, ie the time I've spent understanding myself, working through said feelings etc. Yes, they still occur, but much less frequently.

In a public place:

inner "and the crowd walks past the uggly fellow"

In a crowd, ---- fear, unreasoning, feeling physically vulnerable as if I have a targit on my chest, can't look less than compitant, don't draw attention.

touch, gnum, well I can stand it if I studdedly ignore it.

Cigarette smoke, 90's girl pop, cheap perfume, trigger, ---- threat, as though someone is standing over me with a knife.

Bad days: silence, a feeling of greyness and apathy, "what is the point when I'm worthless?"

If I recieve a complement:what a kind person to tolerate me.

sexist statements about men, eg, men are after one thing, women are vulernabl (especially about young teenaged girls): threatened, angry, so your condoning what happened to me?

Nudity of any sort (even not wearing a T shirt: panic, shear, visseral, ---- like being chased. reference to s/x: disgust, distate, like tasting a lemmon.

More explicite material, especially on film, discomfort leading to fear, like talking to someone who starts casually mentioning murder and violence and intollerant attitudes to the point that you become physically worried for your life.

having an e//////n unprompted, vulnerable, afraid.

Thinking about making friends, meeting new people: well people won't tolerate me.

Thinking about any sort of loving relationship with a partner/falling in love: pain, as though I'm looking down at a missing limb that can't be mended, ---- well I'll need to get used to it.

seeing couples together in a casually affectionate way/hearing about weddings: jealousyy, often extreme, desire to avoid.

Recovery: a process of understanding where I know about these reactions to things and so understand what I! am doing, and that for instance my feelings of worthlessness are utterly unreliable, an unwillingness to let what I feel interfere with the rest of life.

Acceptance: learning the difference betwene what I can and cannot change, ---- though it's surprising how much of the latter there is, and yet how much accepting I cannot change things actually makes things change by being less of a problem.

Of course, all this applies only to myself, (and even then only occasionally), but still I hope some at the least is vaguely useful.

" like being chased." - The panic my H gets when a woman hits on him is like that. I can tell when something happens because he is so out of breath fearful and he has that wild/scared look in his eyes. It's like he was chased and he runs to me for a safety zone.

You know what is odd about that is, when that happens, I get pissed. But not at him. I get bad at her, but not in a jealous way. I get mad in a "how dare you scare him like that" way.

@sugarbaby, for me at least, "hitting on" is just an alien concept. either a woman is just a friend, and I treat her no differently to how I'd treat a man, or if she engages in s/xual teasing then I'm triggered, ---- badly, considdeering that my abuse was centered around such things.

Often I wish someone would just say "I like you" or "would you like to be more than friends" but that doesn't happen, or at least not to me.

Certainly on the occasions when someone has thought! someone was interested in me, I've not picked up anything at all beyond basic friendship.

The odd thing is I do sometimes wonder if a positive experience of physical affection or love making would help with my genophobia, since for me there is absolutely nothing comparable, but then again that's an academic idea anyway, hence why these days my attitude is to ignore the hole thing as much as possible, indeed I often wish I had no libido at all and if it weren't for the fact that it'd dangerously affect my voice I'd considder medical castration.

I hadn't thought to mention this but in my H's case these situations occasionally happen at his work. So, in reality it is not expected and for him very unpleasant, inappropriate behavior, he is then surprised about.

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