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Topic: Being pressured to celebrate with a cut off relative (Read 42954 times)

A year ago, I did a cut direct (with a firm and final explanation) to a fairly close relative. I had tried with this person, but they tried (and came very close) to causing serious drama in my and DD's lives with vicious, unfounded stories and it was the absolute straw that broke the camels back. I can distance myself from some drama, but when you needlessly involve my kids, it is over. Occasionally, another relative will try to tell me it is time to move on and let this person into my life. No, because the person has not changed and will not acknowledge what they did (that was proven wrong but caused some serious turmoil for oldest DD). While being asked to kiss and make up, this person had moved on to another family victim, causing dissension with her kids too. Last year, this person and his new gf found out they were expecting and he started calling me 2-3 times a day. I just ignored it because I had no desire to celebrate this event (long back story but this is a Jerry Springer type relationship). Well, one of the other people who cut him off told me the reason he was calling was mooching off of people (I figured knowing this person as I do). But a month ago that person went to the dark side and is celebrating along with them. So now I am getting more pressure to be buddies. Baby was born the other day (saw someone elses posting about it) and the phone calls have started again (using a new number but I had been forewarned he got a new number by someone else that mistakenly answered and got sucked into it). So I have gotten 6 calls in the last 2 days plus messages from 2 other relatives telling me I have to let it go and celebrate. I have bean dipped, I have been honest, I have been mad but it won't stop. So, without losing the 2 who are pressuring me because I do truly love them, how do I get the message to them that baby or not, I want nothing to do with him or the train wreck that is his life??? And how do I politely let them know that it is not love for me that he won't stop calling, but because he is looking to exhort whatever he can with his sob stories? I absolutely do not approve of his choices and, while happy the baby is healthy, I cannot get excited over this at all because this is just not going to end well.

You need to stay the course. He's probably putting pressure on his current hosts (in the parasitical sense) to pressure you. You have no obligation to be anything but a stranger to this person.

I recall Robin Williams, in an interview, being told he *had* to feel a certain way about something, and replying "I have to? But Lincoln freed the slaves!" You do not "have to" do anything you don't want to.

If you are evil like EvilTwik, you might try to reverse the pressure. "Oh, I'd be GLAD to make up with Parasite. I just want one tiny little thing, for him to tell all the family about how horribly he treated me, and that he'll never do such a thing again. As soon as he's done that, we'll be best buddies." When you get pressured again, ask, "Did Parasite make that public apology? No? Then I'm sorry, but if he *really* wants to be friends, he can do that little thing for me, right? He won't? Sigh. It's so sad when family won't make an effort to reconcile."

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My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

I like evilTwik!!! I wish it was family Parasite (nice and appropriate name) only had to apologize to, but this was people in the community, including my coworkers and boss. And I am not being a prude looking down my nose at an unmarried couple having a baby as my long term deceased SO and I did it too, but his life is just one horrifically bad choice after another, leaving a trail of pain and destruction.

If you are evil like EvilTwik, you might try to reverse the pressure. "Oh, I'd be GLAD to make up with Parasite. I just want one tiny little thing, for him to tell all the family about how horribly he treated me, and that he'll never do such a thing again. As soon as he's done that, we'll be best buddies." When you get pressured again, ask, "Did Parasite make that public apology? No? Then I'm sorry, but if he *really* wants to be friends, he can do that little thing for me, right? He won't? Sigh. It's so sad when family won't make an effort to reconcile."

My only concern with this is that he might make the (insincere probably) apology. Then you are stuck.

I would find a phrase and become stuck on it. "Not happening." "I've made myself clear. Drop it." "This is damaging our relationship. Stop." "I will not yield to pressure." Whatever suits you (and them) best. Short sweet and all you will say on the subject. If they continue after you have repeated your line twice, leave. Repeat till they realize they can lose your relationship or stop.

Would you consider just letting every call go to your answering machine or voice mail for the next few months? You can pick up the phone if you hear the person and want to talk or call them back right away. But this way you can avoid talking to either the toxic person or his current champions. In other words, become a black hole.

I'm with LEMon in pointing out to them that they are damaging their relationship with you. I would stay calm and explain that you aren't going to change your mind about the mooch, but their persistent pressure may change your mind about them.

I don't take his calls..they all go straight to voice mail. I will just keep up with the no, that won't be possible. I just hate that people I do love will not respect my decision. They don't have to understand it, but respect it darn it.

You need to stay the course. He's probably putting pressure on his current hosts (in the parasitical sense) to pressure you. You have no obligation to be anything but a stranger to this person.

I recall Robin Williams, in an interview, being told he *had* to feel a certain way about something, and replying "I have to? But Lincoln freed the slaves!" You do not "have to" do anything you don't want to.

If you are evil like EvilTwik, you might try to reverse the pressure. "Oh, I'd be GLAD to make up with Parasite. I just want one tiny little thing, for him to tell all the family about how horribly he treated me, and that he'll never do such a thing again. As soon as he's done that, we'll be best buddies." When you get pressured again, ask, "Did Parasite make that public apology? No? Then I'm sorry, but if he *really* wants to be friends, he can do that little thing for me, right? He won't? Sigh. It's so sad when family won't make an effort to reconcile."

I really liked Twik's post until I got to the last paragraph.

Actually I like Twik's last paragraph, too, because it is very clever - and it might work...

...but I'm wondering if that puts too much power back into the hands of the relative who has been cut off. LEMon points out quite well that any apology he makes at this point may be insincere and may just be designed to put more pressure on you so he can mooch off you or target you again.

I'm leaning more toward the "just continue on as you have been" school of thought.

Next time you are pressured by the other relatives You "Do you love ODD?"Them off guard "Yes, of course"You "Then why do you keep pressuring me to let, (Cut off relative) back into her life after all the intentional harm he did to her and (other children). He is a serial emotional abuser (or other term that describes his actions) and will never be allowed near my children again. You are to never bring up the subject with me or my children again.

Them but he is faaaaaammmmllllyyyy

You NO he is not a family is formed by love. He (describe behavior) that is not Love. Drop it now.

Them but -

You drop it did I tell you about ODD cool activity.

After that - when they do bring it up again leave/hang up/kick them out.

I'm with LEMon in pointing out to them that they are damaging their relationship with you. I would stay calm and explain that you aren't going to change your mind about the mooch, but their persistent pressure may change your mind about them.

This. Your personal decisions are not up for debate.

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

If you are evil like EvilTwik, you might try to reverse the pressure. "Oh, I'd be GLAD to make up with Parasite. I just want one tiny little thing, for him to tell all the family about how horribly he treated me, and that he'll never do such a thing again. As soon as he's done that, we'll be best buddies." When you get pressured again, ask, "Did Parasite make that public apology? No? Then I'm sorry, but if he *really* wants to be friends, he can do that little thing for me, right? He won't? Sigh. It's so sad when family won't make an effort to reconcile."

My only concern with this is that he might make the (insincere probably) apology. Then you are stuck.

I would find a phrase and become stuck on it. "Not happening." "I've made myself clear. Drop it." "This is damaging our rel@tionship. Stop." "I will not yield to pressure." Whatever suits you (and them) best. Short sweet and all you will say on the subject. If they continue after you have repeated your line twice, leave. Repeat till they realize they can lose your rel@tionship or stop.

I think this phrasing is appropriate. I would agree that an apology would just be an empty apology to get you to kowtow to Parasite's trap. It means absolutely nothing without change. He repeated his behavior on another family and there is no reason to believe history won't repeat itself on your family should you open the door on this rel@tionship. I wouldn't even make reconciliation an option at this point because what if he DOES apologize and admit his error? Then what is your obligation and will he revert to his old ways? How much destruction will occur before you close that door again? You, yourself, might be making an empty promise based on words without change. I wouldn't even go there. If he changes his ways (permanently) and makes apologies, you can re-think your stance. Until then, stay away.

An apology would be out of the question because I had listened to an empty apology before that was forced. If he had come to me and said "I am so sorry, what I said was wrong and hurtful to all of you. What can I do to make you feel better about me?" I would have slowly worked towards being friendly again, but when I called him on his lies he said 'geez, sorry, didn't know they would run and tell you what I said. I just think (my DD) might do something like I said she did" There was nothing to indicate there was any issue with my DD and in fact, what he said she DID do is a behavior she is disgusted by, and because he was being all buddy buddy, I want to be your mentor he knew it. He left us alone for months until he found out he was to be a father then it has been non stop calls. The people who are giving me a hard time (think of the baaaaaaaaby) know exactly what he did and were shocked because they knew it was lies and extreme trust betrayal but because there is a baaaaaaaaaby that they can't afford, all of a sudden, don't you know, love is all around, along with all the stored baby stuff I have.