How To How to avoid CARS (You think you know? Look both ways? Epic fail, try again!)

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How to avoid C.A.R.S. (yes, I was sneaky and didn't put the separations in, it is in fact an acronym)

If people don't learn how to avoid C.A.R.S. they could kill their relationship

Clash - e.g. You have parked the vehicle where you've been asked you to by the other person and you don't feel safe about where it is, now you are both walking to get a ticket; but the ticket booth is father than you thought it would be.

You think "Oh no, I don't want to leave my car there, I might get a ticket, I would feel better if I stayed with the car or we drove to the ticket place & back." - however you don't say anything (this is a lack of communication and IME lots of problems in relationships are based on a lack of communication or assuming the other person does things or understands/uses words the way you do).

Most people handle Clashes by ignoring the feelings and pretending nothing is wrong.

Thoughts like: Don't get so upset over nothing, you're being too picky, no one's perfect, just forget about it, why rock the boat?

THIS IS THE FIRST MISTAKE! Ignoring these feelings is the first step to disaster. Feelings of Clashing with a partner makes people feel annoyed. If feelings of clashing are not revealed and resolved with the partner (then and there! not mentioned later in an argument!), these little things build up and turn into the second stage.

Aversion - e.g. you are now fed up of his/her attitude to parking, you hate how inconsiderate he/she is, not caring that you could get a ticket.

Instead of just being annoyed people become angry, hostile, frustrated and unloving, it is also a move from being annoyed at a circumstance/problem/situation/behaviour to making it personal and blaming the person.

If you don't reveal your feelings of aversion to an action/behaviour and resolve them; these little things build up and turn into the third stage.

Rejection – either Active or Passive.

Active – Threatening to leave, refusing to co-operate or do what your partner wants, complaining about partner to others, verbally abusing your partner, refusing your partners sexual advances, spending as much time as possible away from your partner, leaving the room and refusing to talk about issues during arguments. At this point people may use absolute statements, like "s/he always/never".

Passive – Fantasizing about others, having an affair, not responding sexually when your partner makes love to you, losing sexual desire “for no apparent reason”, becoming a workaholic; having no time for your partner, tuning your partner out when he/she speaks to you, disagreeing with every POV your partner takes, secretly longing for your “freedom” to leave the relationship and be on your own.

The final stage:

Subjegation – emotional numbness – you repress your feelings and might think something like “It’s just not worth fighting over anymore, it doesn’t matter anyway, I’m too tired to deal with this anymore, everyone has these problems so let’s just forget it.”

From here things only repeat in a cyclical fashion until one or other partner actually leaves, it can spiral out of control into violence etc. The other breaking of this habit might occur because someone recognises it and promotes it being dealt with.

I wholeheartedly encourage people to pro-actively try to spot these C.A.R.S and avoid them!

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."Buddha

LOL! I was so guilty of this in my last relationship. Yeesh! Lesson learned: never leave the important stuff un-discussed, even if the other person doesn't think it's important! You'll be like a ticking time bomb.

However, for things like having a difference of opinion over the correct way to fold bath towels or something equally trivial...those are things I don't find worth making into an issue. Choose your battles, in other words. If it's something that is going to continue to bother you to the point where it affects your well-being, then say something right away. If it just means you feel compelled to refold towels every once in awhile, then that's not a big deal to me.

Right & Correct? Is there such a thing? Or is it often betwixt and between?

Sorry Kel, I hate to be a stickler, but I'm with SD on this one.

IMHO (in my humble opinion) there is no correct way to fold towels.

There is a correct/right way to fold towels for YOU. There is a correct/right way to fold towels for others (even if that right way, is that they don't care, and do it any old how).

IME (in my experience) however, as usual, none of these ways would be an absolute such as correct, because for there to be A correct, there would have to be an incorrect/wrong way to do it and again IMHO there is none.

Important or not, I would still suggest it is a good idea to show your partner how you like the towels folded and perhaps, tell them why you like it that way.

Why?

IMHO we would all be well advised to be with people who help us learn and grow, and vice versa.

IME it increases their understanding of you, it helps for them to know how you do it (even if they don't want to do it that way); maybe they'll have learnt a more efficient way to stack & will thank you; after all excellence is a habit...

I for one say, thank you Kel for that perspective on folding and I will be attempting to incorporate that into my life as best practice. Any more tips like that, please send them over!

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."Buddha

I agree, Annita, but I should add that my tone about the towels was 100% facetious. I'm not some kind of weird...towel folding Nazi. And I certainly don't think in absolutes.

It can be difficult to convey jokes in writing.

The little things merit discussion, but for me, I don't think they need to be talked to death. I'm pretty laid back when it comes to that little stuff - conflicting food preferences, toilet seat placement, etc. I can accommodate my partner's hatred of some food that I love...after all, I appreciate someone who can accommodate my strange hatred of cilantro.

But now that I think about it, I'd kind of like to see what a towel folding Nazi looks like...

Actually...I am that towel-folding Nazi!
Only I'm the passive aggressive one who inwardly seethes but says nowt, then gets all grumpy over small things just to keep a level score.
But, what freaked me out most of all, was dirty man-undie-kecks on the bathroom floor everyday while I was married...I kid you not, that is one of the major reasons why I would find it so difficult to move in with my long term current man.

Clean up after a 7 year old constantly? No problem!!! Lift dirty man-kecks off the bathroom floor daily? ERRRR....NO!

I have to learn how to fold t-shirts like that. My folding excellence extends to towels only. With everything else, I'm abysmally sloppy. This includes, but isn't limited to, shirts, pants, paper, origami, socks, sheets, blankets. The sad thing is that I try so hard to fold neatly and it just...doesn't work. The again, my lowest scores on all those aptitude tests I took in school were consistently in spatial reasoning. ;)

You should see me try to effectively pack a suitcase, assemble a bookcase, or do a jigsaw puzzle. The results of all of those things look as if they were done by a mentally-challenged chimp. And I try SO hard...that's the funny - and I like to think somewhat endearing - part.

There are certain common household tasks I do that, no matter how hard I try, might be done more neatly and more effectively by someone else. Don't get me started on my horrible ironing skills. ;)

StarryEyedSister - I agree with Annita on this. Adults are old enough to know how to pick up after themselves. And generally, when you live with someone, the courteous thing to do is to put those skills into action instead of leaving your dirty underwear lying around for someone else to pick it up. Sure, we all have messy moments from time to time and that's fine, but if you're consistently leaving someone else to pick up after you, I can't help but feel that that's simply disrespectful. You know better, so you should DO better.

So, no, I don't think you're wrong for how you feel about that - I'd probably feel the same way!