Saturday, November 26, 2005

Today found us driving 3 hours to my mom's house... then getting right back into the car and driving an hour to see Dan's parents with my mom and 3 dogs in the car. Can we all say WAY TOO MUCH FAMILY TIME!

My in laws do not yet know that we've moved on to clomid and again to be truthful I'm not sure we'll be telling them. A part of me wants them to know that listen this has not been that easy. The other part of me says screw it it's none of their business. Visiting Dan's uncle and aunt and their new baby really made me laugh as Dan was holding Lola and talking to her as if she was a baby... She's about the right size... so yes she's our baby. However I'm pretty sure Dan's grandma, aunt and uncle really think we've lost our minds. This is not totally a bad thing, just an odd thing.

Dan's parents have been nice enough to not ask about babies or baby making, so I guess unless they ask we're not going to tell. Is this the right thing to do? I don't know. I just know that I'm not ashamed of it, just not totally comfortable with it yet. I'm not comfortable knowing "I'm the problem" Even though Dan feels it's a 50/50 deal here, right now after 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic we know... I'm the problem so far. I don't know that I want his family to know that. I'd rather they thought it was a mutual problem then the blame game can be shifted off of me. It's not like I don't already go - "I've treated you relatively well the last couple years - why can't you work the way you are supposed to?" My body's response... "Screw you." Don't ya just love a body with an attitude.

Hopefully all this wondering will be moot soon... maybe maybe I can get my Christmas present a bit early... wouldn't that be nice? I won't hold my breath on that one... but maybe just maybe hope and optimism can spring back into my life rather than fear and anxiety when it comes to pregnancy... stay tuned...

Friday, November 25, 2005

So the good news... my husband survived going shopping on Black Friday... He didn't even go kicking and screaming. He willingly went into the stores and didn't complain. I was shocked. My husband has many good qualities and some bad ones and he somehow managed to keep his sense of humor and also some great buying skills.

We also came home to a peak on our monitor. So this love fest can come to an end soon... but then the inevitable 2 week wait starts and well that blows to say the least. I've joked in the past that our bodies need a turkey timer or a big magic P shows up on our bellies... now wouldn't that be convenient. I'm not sure what this cycle will bring... I do know that hubby has to take a test for a public safety department and while that normally makes me go hide under the covers until this process is over I'm not sure what I'll do... definitely means it's going to be a long Christmas season.

We also need to find some time to go visit Dan's cousin's wife and the new baby... I drew her name for Christmas and I won't be able to be there for Christmas because I have somehow managed to have to work Christmas... which totally stinks. So stay tuned... who knows what's going to go on over here...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

First off let me just say mother nature is not being kind to this house, she has put down a buttload of snow and so now my mom is unable to drive here and neither is my sister. I am sad about this. Primarily because my mom is now alone for Thanksgiving and that is the LAST thing I wanted to do to her. We'll probably go back to my mom's tomorrow to hopefully cheer her up. Things like this always remind me that family is important.

So as this is my first year blogging I'm going to focus on the things I am thankful for. Here's my list...

1. My husband - he is the best, he totally gets me, loves me unconditionally... TOOK A SICK DAY so that he could come have sex with me and clean the house... put the enormous Christmas tree up (when he hates big trees) and didn't complain a bit that I slept for like 10 hours yesterday. I am a very lucky woman who has a wonderful husband. He has not once said lets not keep trying or it's your fault during our multiple miscarriages... in fact he's found other people to blame - you know random cousins we don't like just to make me smile.

2. My mom - never thought I'd write that one, but truly she loves me and loves my husband and even though she drives me nuts sometimes she's there for me- she doesn't totally get this whole infertility thing, but she tries.

3. My friends - I have 3 wonderful girlfriends in real life - there names are Amanda, Margaret, and Marcelle... each I know individually and each brings a special amount of fun to my life. Amanda has supported me through this whole infertility thing by being there and educating (introduced me to ff and charting) and by pushing me to find answers, she's been happy for me when I've gotten my positives in spite of her own difficulties and that takes class, and she's been there for me when I've gotten the crappy beta news. Margaret - has offered the use of her uterus if needed - her's is proven as a hospitable environment... and while her life is chaotic - she means well... Marcelle - the bitch left me by going to another unit, but boy am I ever happy to see her when I can... she understands what I'm going through even though she's not trying to have a baby- they are tentatively trying soon though and I am so geeked that maybe somehow we can end up pregnant together...

4. My dogs - Chance, Ernie, and Lola... bring tremendous joy to my life and lots of warmth and kisses... in spite of the feces and urine that occurs I wouldn't trade them for the world.

5. My health - in spite of an in hospitable uterus - I am fairly healthy (couldn't be all those vitamins I take?)

6. My house - while it still at times seems like there needs to be an exorcism performed I love my house it fits me...

7. My online friends - Delanie, Jenni, Jen, Christina, Alicia I've only known you for about 6 months now, but boy am I thankful for your support, friendship and advice... you all have helped me to find a way to keep going through all this even when truthfully I didn't think I could. I'm very lucky to have found a group of women that are intelligent, compassionate, and comical...

There's more stuff to be thankful for but these are a few of my favorite things... So go enjoy Thanksgiving and remember what You are thankful for!

Monday, November 21, 2005

So... this weekend I've worked. Mind you I haven't worked much, but that isn't the point of this post. I've worked, I've clocked my hours. I've even taken the opportunity to help my unit by making a new form that we so desperately need match up with the computer... only to find out that the documentation user group has just approved a form that is supposed to do this... so in like a year we'll see this form. Until then we can not have boot leg forms... wtf? No thanks Sam for doing a great job, but we can't use this... knobs.

And... not 1 person, not 2 people, but 3 woman I work with are pregnant. I am very happy for each and every one of them. I however did have a twinge of jealousy for the one who was going to divorce her husband less than a year ago... snot. The other 2 I'm just tickled for... how come it seems to always go like that... I'm happy for one, but there's always one you are not as happy as you would hope you would be. It generally is a person whom I think they are doing things for all the wrong reasons... so at least I think my heart is in the right place and I have not become a raving lunatic... YET :)

My husband... I'm trying to convince him that he needs to come over tomorrow... why? Well to procreate. I don't know that I'm ovulating tomorrow... however I don't know that I'm not. I'd rather not do another month of clomid or another 2 weeks of progesterone suppositories if I don't have to. So I'm guilting him into coming over... lets hope my guilt trip works... I'd also like him to clean the house... before we have the relatives over for the holiday weekend... Maybe I shouldn't mention that part to him.

So wish me luck that I leggo my eggo soon... so we can get this show on the road and into the two week wait...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

So now we wait... for huge follicles to explode? Basically for me to screw up my fertility monitor again... I think my body takes perverse pleasure in having to reset the monitor. Seriously - it does. I've only had to reset it like 3-4 times in what 8 months.

Some may wonder what I've been doing over the last few days... absolutely nothing, except reading blogs. There have been a couple of arguments brewing at various blogs... I've been horrified to see that. I've been cautiously reading a blog that has a doubling beta... and praying for that fellow blogger... I've talked with a friend..

My best friend... and I want so badly for her to find her sense of humor... to find her mantra that she can say to make this easier. I have mine... there will be an end... and it will be a child... how I get there isn't nearly as important as the end. That's what I focus on. Me with all my ... I focus on a child in my husband's arms. I find pleasure in the thought that we are talking about all our options. I'm so happy he has never said to me "just relax". I am also freakishly scared that he can say - well have you checked your mucus today or peed on a stick? Yes, my hubby is a bit odd - he by the way LOVED my mattress explanation for what the endometrial tissue did. My mother on the other hand - did not get it. It took multiple explanations. My husband says this is because she is not a mattress whore like ourselves. She sleeps on a junky hotel mattress.

We did not tell the in laws of our new clomid explorations. I'm not sure that I even want to go there with them and hubby doesn't want to go there either... unless of course we have to. When I say have to - I mean we both look at each other and say - it's time to bring them into the loop... we're not even close to being there yet.

As for ovulation - we're hoping to either O super early like tomorrow or Thursday... or wait until next week. Timing wise we could be screwed if I O over the weekend, Monday, or Tuesday. So keep your fingers crossed that I can get the egg and sperm to meet...

Friday, November 11, 2005

As I write today I have started clomid yesterday on cd 5... we all know that the studies have shown a better response is 3-7...so will this work? Not sure... am I having side effects... as of yet none.

I did not get to talk to my doctor yesterday... I talked to a nurse... who initially was a pain in my ass... when I asked for my lab results - which I already had and explained I knew I had a beta of 7 and that my period had gone from being normal to now stopping and that my hpt was negative (okay so it was fainter than the other one - good enough for me as my husband couldn't see the line, unless pointed out). So after initially being told that Dr. Wonderful wasn't going to be in the office today, but over in the other clinic and explaining that I was on cd 5 and would need to start clomid today or wait until next cycle... and I'd just like to figure out what he'd like me to do... this was at 9 a.m. yesterday morning... I called back at 1 pm to see if a) they had found my chart - oddly enough it was on my doctor's desk... and b) if I would hear back from anyone... I heard back at 3... script called in go pick it up and start it Thursday... so we started...

And the pharmacist was quite comical... he mentioned in the counseling session that you know that this needs to be taken at "certain" times of the month and oh by the way blurry vision is one of the side effects. My husband started laughing all the way out...

So I read the side effects to my husband - he asked if there was a safe place he could hide in case moodiness occurs. I told him he could run, but he couldn't hide.

I may have fun being the evil queen for a couple days... nah it's much more fun being nice to him. He's spoiling me and I'm enjoying it.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

In a previous post I said that I was the best daughter-in-law as I invited my in laws to our house for Thanksgiving... Well news flash - they declined. In my husband's words they want to spend time with his mom's side of the family...

Okay - lets see... Your ONLY son invites you to a Thanksgiving dinner and you refuse?????

Am I the only one that thinks this is nuts... And when I questioned my husband about how he feels about it... He was ambivalent... Stated "not a surprise" and "typical" Which in husband speak means he's slightly hurt by this, but "used to it." Now I'm upset for him... Actually totally pissed off. Holiday's are for family and Dan was planning on taking a couple days off to actually spend with family... And his parents are totally going to miss out on that. I am angry for my husband because my parents are the total opposite... They would come even if not invited... And I'm okay with that... Even now with it only my mom - she's planning on coming. Yes, it's a long drive, but we (meaning Dan and I) do it all the time... Take one for the team, drive over and enjoy a holiday with your son...

And speaking of in laws... I totally don't get their take on Dan's cousin N's arrest for CSC... In laymen's terms... He was arrested for molesting his step daughter... His wife is still with him and is of course pregnant with their 2nd child, her 3rd... and hubby's parents were concerned that their kids were going to be taken away... Our response - it would be the best thing for those kids! We get looks of horror for voicing that statement... uhmm lets see... we think jail time needs to occur... this whole thing is making my husband nuts. He loves kids, and abhors anyone that does harm to kids, and it really really pisses him off when someone tries to defend someone that has hurt a child... (I do as well), but now it's family that is doing it... how do we combat them... what do we do to make them get it...

I'm going to speak to my father in law in the hopes of getting him to understand just what these things are doing to his son... I doubt it will work, but at least I can try... oh and we'll drop the bomb later about if N or J (his wife) are at a family function we won't be. I doubt we'll be missed as we're anti social, but at the very least we need Dan's parents to understand that this is the way it is going to be.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

As the title of this post goes... I have my results... my uterine lining was not as plush as one would like it to be... and since I started bleeding on Sunday that meant an LP of approximately 11 days at best... while the lining put me at 5-8 days post ovulation I was in reality 8 dpo... and since an LP should be 14 days... I'm way below what I should be by either 3-6 days... so my uterus is now being referred to as cheap motel mattress rather than the plush pillow top that I hoped it would be... and to add insult to injury I may not be able to start clomid because I of course got a positive pregnancy test - yes I took one because well the only time i've ever gotten a positive pregnancy test was after period so why not... and it came back faintly faintly positive... so we went and had a beta done and it was 7... (cue the hysterical laughter) a beta of 7 at 14 dpo... good job Sam for screwing up a perfectly good month off by getting barely knocked up... so not sure what the plan of action is... my guess we can just call it a do over... the doctor may of course disagree and want me to wait until next cycle... we'll know more tomorrow... so stay tuned for more stories from the hard junky motel mattress...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Well tomorrow afternoon we will be a step closer or no closer to finding out what the deal is with our pregnancies gone wrong... I have an endometrial biopsy scheduled at 3 pm...

I am nervous, ambivalent, and terrified... what if this isn't the answer... what do we do if it comes back as fine? On the one hand I want to be normal and then on the other hand I want to have something that can be fixed by modern medicine to make a pregnancy take. Am I wrong to think that? Would it be better to hear the words - yep that was normal... you're fine or I'm sorry but your uterine lining was shit - here's the prescription for clomid and progesterone... I'm so not sure of what I want the answer to be. Also it will take a week for the damn results to come back... so I will probably have my period and then have to fight with the doctors for the results so if it is screwed up we may not start treatment until the next cycle...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Welcome to the world Riley Ann - you were born yesterday to a wonderful mother - Colleen... she will love you so very much and take care of you. You and Kady are the lights of her life... and your father would have been so very happy to see you. He's with you always...

Riley is the daughter of my husband's cousin Michael who was killed in a tragic accident in September. He left behind his wife Colleen, his son Alec, his daughter Kady, and his newest daughter Riley Ann... My heart goes out to them as I know the birth of a new baby is a joyous occasion, but I'm sure Colleen is feeling pretty alone right now.