You are now about to witness the strength of meat knowledge; A girl's online adventures through every Tongue, Dick and Erm…Hairy.

Menu

weird

So I've gotten past my men with tattoos phase, beards and guitars don't give me tingles anymore, now I'm all about nerds and men in glasses! I think the glasses come from Xs dad who is such a DILF it's not even funny.

I've popped up a picture of me with a Pikachu filter on all my dating apps hoping to lure in the nerdy hotties. I've already had a few messages about it, so it's working! I'm a Pokémon Ho. One was a professional footballer who, and I quote, likes 'piss and shit play' I'm sorry but no one poos on the 'Chu so he was a no.

My genius plan will fall apart if anyone actually asks me anything about Pokémon, my knowledge of it ends with me looking cute in yellow ears. Other than that I don't have a Pikaclue!

Why has it become a thing (well an online dating thing!) that men think it's ok to tell you that they're wanking? I'm not talking about phone sex here because we all know I'm partial to that, but I mean after a few nice messages they then drop it into conversation. I don't need to know you're furiously knocking one out when I'm eating my breakfast thanks!

It's not sexy or going to get me in the mood (because I'm always in the mood…but anyway) it's just gross. There's a reason it's called alone time. And no I'm not helping you out either fellas….I just wanna eat my cocopops in peace!

So tonight I was chatting to an absolute hottie on Bumble, we were just getting to the sexting part when he sends me a selfie, I notice that it has a lot of…let's call it old lady tat… in the background and me being me, asks him and I quote 'what's up with the chintzy shit? Do you live with yo' nana?' He sends me back the GIF of Jonah Hill shaking his head looking disappointed. Now this is a clear indication for anyone to stop talking but no this is me remember?! So I continue with 'I hope she's deaf, because I'm loud' ( little lesson in flirting there ladies, you can even make being deaf sexy!) and I get the reply 'no she's dead' and then he unmatched me!

Now I'm wondering if I just swerved a massive Norman Bates shaped bullet because if she's dead then why is he still living in her house? Or was he just super offended by the term 'chintzy shit?' After I said that apparently not only had his nana died but his boner had as well.

Oh well much like his nanas ashes…another one bites the dust. It's shit like this which makes me think I shouldn't be allowed to talk to other human beings.

The subject of kids has come up again. I think I've just got to the age now where it's to be expected. I was chatting to a guy let's call him Christopher and we were getting along nicely on tinder so I gave him my number and his profile picture was him and a kid. I asked him and he said that it was his son and he had abuse (?!) before for it so he didn't mention him….so the opinion of random Tinderellas is more important than his 'world?' his words not mine. I told him straight that he should write it on his profile and if I'm being honest after what happened with Mr A I wouldn't have swiped him. Anyway, we made it to the phone call stage and I just didn't like him. His personality wasn't for me. He also said some really offensive things that he passed off as a joke but if they were then he just wasn't funny. So I shut down that shit. A hot face will never make up for a bad personality.

I also got a random snapchat add from The Londoner to which I replied 'oh fuck no' I do not wish to see that dickhead with a dog filter thanks!

One of the most annoying things ever online dating is on Tinder when you see a really hot guy as you swipe you're already imagining your life together, planning the wedding, naming the kids and what colour pug you want (or in my case what positions were going to be doing!) and yay he swipes back!….but then you start to message and he's dry AF and his spelling is all off.

So it's all gone disastrously wrong with Mr A. It's not my fault or even his but circumstances out of his control. I'm not going to go into that as it's not my story to tell.

So what happens next? I'm back at square one. For the 17th time. The.17th. Time. That Sunday I actually let myself believe that things were different and maybe it would work but I was stupid, I've tried to brush this off and have a don't give a shit attitude that I had before but I can't. For once I had sex and didn't feel empty, for once I didn't want him to leave straight away, for once I got the same excitement when he text me after as I had done before. For once I had a teeny bit of hope. Feeling that after months or even a year of not has completely fucked me over.

I'm trying to help him through his shit and be a friend but it's hard, the selfish part of me thinks the timing is so unfair but I know his problems are bigger than that so the other part of me is angry at myself for being selfish.

I've been trying to change and evolve whilst on this journey, meaning I don't let stuff bother me anymore (ha ha….lying here, typing this can't sleep and anxious AF) and it's literally on too the next one so what should I do? Bail and move on or persist and help him through this? I switch on this minute by minute.

Maybe I'm just caught up in the fact he made me feel different? Maybe I have met someone different and he's worth trying to get over this hurdle with? Maybe, maybe, fucking maybe.

I'm sorry this blog is a bit of a shambles. Just reflects how my head is feeling I guess.