From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: News of the DUH!!!
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:04:43 -0500
Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And besides, why would the brain even have receptors for recreational
> > drugs if it didn't naturally produce those same chemicals once in a
> > while?
>
> Like every night during REM sleep. Don't tell Leon Kass and the New
> Atlanteans, lest someone use a biological system for mere recreation,
> instead of vigorous, noble (non-recreational) struggle!
Who are they? Are they those guys who made that music video, "Stand",
about the balding middle-aged guy riding his bike delivering newspapers?
Or am I confusing them with the people who wrote the music for that
movie where Jim Carrey made up that wacky "Latka" character who was
an obvious rip-off of Balki?
Also, I want to apologize for not proofreading my "Subject:" line,
which originally said "New of the DUH!!!" which isn't gramatically
correct, unlike "News of the DUH!!!" which is the right way to say that.
And in answer to all the E-mails asking what a "Wartenberg wheel" is,
it's this thing where you point it at something and rub your hand
on the flat plate and if the device is pointed at something made
of gold, the plate will feel sticky. It was invented by Joseph Campbell,
propnent of the Dean Drive (which was destroyed on a test flight
when it collided with Donald Turnipseed.) Wartenberg went on to
direct a documentary about this, titled "Crash".
-- K.
Either that or it's a gun
that makes people tell the
truth about how they love
Tonto while Harlan Williams
farts on a chimp in outer space.
No, wait, that was all
Elton John's fault, so ignore
it. Besides, I could beat
him at pinball any day.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Which Disney character would you be?
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:13:26 -0500
Distribution: world
Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> If Michael Eisner came up to you and offered you, say, $25.00 to perform
> as one of the costumed characters in Disneyland or Disney World, which
> one would you be?
Captain Hook, because although Homeland Security might confiscate my
sword at the airport, they'd be powerless to take away my deadly hook-hand
with which I'd slaughter anyone who confused "The Magic Kingdom" with
"The Happiest Place On Earth", because the two names refer to different
but completely identical Disneylands superimposed on exactly the same
plot of land but in parallel universes, with one really high ticket
price getting you into both but not the lame-ass California Adventure.
> Me, I think I'd be Jiminy Cricket, even though I am kind of tall for the
> part. I'd hop around and rub my legs together and yell "CHIRRUP!" real
> loud, even though it's illegal for Disney characters to talk.
You could tweak the costume a little to be the most annoyingly pathetic
character ever, "Jiminy Olsen", who would keep getting himself into
trouble through a sincere desire to lecture Superman about never fibbing
every time Superman pulls himself out of that same cave he keeps getting
trapped in over and over.
> Then I'd corner Snow White over by the loading zone behind the Small
> World ride and, um, you know.
I hear that if you do it on the old Carousel Of Progress you get really dizzy
and pass out but only if you can make the orgasm last one full revolution.
-- K.
(It's "Innoventions" now, but they
still have a robot singing the
sappy old song about a "big new
beautiful tomorrow". I liked it
best when it was "America Sings",
also known as "The Thing That
Used To Turn Disneyland Employees
Into Long Red Smears".)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Which Disney character would you be?
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 02:48:23 -0500
Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> So when my family was at Disneyland, my seven-year-old sister went to the
> college student dressed like the chipmunk Dale to get his autograph. He
> wrote "DALE" in her little notebook with a humourous dyslexic "D" and "E"
> for laughs, because he's the dumb one and it's funny to make fun of
> learning disabilities. My sister then erased it and started writing it in
> correctly. Paw explained to her that Dale just wrote some of the letters
> backwards because he's supposed to be dumb and it's funny. She got upset
> and started trying to correct it back to the "incorrect" version and
> started crying when she realized she ruined this prize collectible
> autograph.
>
> I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'd like to be Dale, so that I could
> make children who overthink things cry.
And you will be performing a valuable service to the scientific community
because it anyone ever invents a time machine, it'll be some nerdy genius
you humilated when they were seven.
-- K.
And it's not funny to make
fun of learning disabilities.
It's only funny to make fun
of kids who don't know that
you're supposed to make
fun of giant rodents with
learning disabilities.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Instant Review: Lays Stax
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:17:53 -0500
"The Big Black Dude" (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote:
>
> So...Frito-Lays has decided to jump on the bandwagon and make stackable
> pertater chips/crisps in a tube. Great. Beloved Wife decides to purchase
> some as they must be totally different from every other kind ever produced.
>
> NO! THEY'RE PRINGLES, BUT THEY'RE LAYS! IT SAYS RIGHT HERE ON THE TUBE! BUT
> THEY'RE PRINGLES!
>
> I think I need to lie down...
Whatever you do, if you value your sanity, don't look at what Hershey's
selling in the candy aisle -- stackable chocolate wafers shaped exactly
like Pringles.
Apparently from now on, all snack foods will have Riemannian geometry
because that way, when they measure the calories in a triangular area,
they'll add up to less than 180.
-- K.
I hear that the next revision
of the Pringles logo is going
to look like Popeye turned
inside out.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: 4th Annual Ukrainian Hmas Review
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:25:14 -0500
"Tamara" (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote:
>
> I've only been to Taco Bell once in my life. And I was sober and not
> hungover. It made me feel sick. It was one of the rare instances of me
> actually throwing food in the trash because it was too vile to eat.
>
> Never again. Never again, I tell ya.
I love Taco Bell!
But not as much as I love White Castle.
-- K.
If you want vile, Tam,
go to the basement of
the Eaton Centre and
find the Thai place in
the food court. It
serves beef that tastes
like it died of
Mad Cow Disease With
A Twist Of Scoliosis.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Ric-ard Perl- using MIND CONTROL LASERS on PrEz!
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:34:19 -0500
Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote:
>
> Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote:
> >
> > What if we spread a rumour that there are TERRORISTS sitting on Mars
> > wiping their bottoms with copies of The Constitution? And that they
> > have a massive supply of untapped crude oil sitting beneath the
> > Martian landscape as well? There'd be Space Marines invading Mars by
> > August.
>
> Let's not forget their weapons of mass Earth destruction. Surely you
> have seen the cartoons.
By an amazing coincidence, today someone remarked that I looked like
Marvin The Martian just because I was wearing a silly hat. But oddly,
this happened on a day when I wasn't wearing Patrick Lalime's hockey jersey.
Ooh, comments on my winter-weather fashion choices make me so angry.
Especially beecause I thought it was more of a "John Philip Law
as the world's coolest combination cat-burglar and fur trader" look.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go Windex the inside of my walk-in diamond.
-- K.
I wish I had John Philip Law's
bone structure. Especially if
it was in a really cool jar.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Important musical films of the year 1980
Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 01:02:23 -0500
John D.F. Stone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote:
>
> THE APPLE (Menahem Golan)
> THE BLUES BROTHERS (John Landis)
> CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC (Nancy Walker)
> FORBIDDEN ZONE (Richard Elfman)
> THE JAZZ SINGER (Richard Fleischer)
> POPEYE (Robert Altman)
> XANADU (Robert Greenwald)
Very very very bad, flawed but good, very very bad, haven't seen it,
haven't seen that remake, flawed and interesting but tedious, very bad.
Also,
Way too gay, not gay, not gay enough, probably gay I'm guessing,
not black enough, kind of unintentionally gay, and not gay.
I was also going to try to plot all seven movies on the Nolan Graph
to see which ones were Communists, but it hurts my brain to think
about "The Apple", especially 'cause I'm not scheduled to turn gay for
a few more years, although present difficulties in my romantic life
might require rethinking that schedule at some point.
I'd like to add that the main problem with "Can't Stop The Music",
other than that it exists, is that it focuses on Steve Guttenberg's
career as the most brilliant disco album promoter of his era, putting
together a band of gay stereotypes who act really straight for most
of the movie just to ensure that the movie alienates the only
people who would want to see a movie about a gay disco band.
The Village People are not only presented as (mostly) straight,
but also pretty much only appear in cameos (and the new songs they
did for the movie are abominable, such as "Milkshake", "Can't Stop
The Music", and the utterly intolerable "I Love You To Death".)
Also, as you noted, it was directed by a woman best-known for telling
people which brand of paper towels are the "quicker picker-upper".
The remake of "The Jazz Singer", with Neil Diamond in blackface,
is legendary but I have never encountered it, no matter how hard
I have tried to avoid seeing it.
"The Apple" is easily the most painful movie on the list. It's
also really, really, really, really, really gay (it's probably too
gay for most gay people, in fact, it might be too gay for a big
pile of Scott Thompsons humping Dave Foleys) but one gets the
feeling that the producers (Golan and Globus) thought "That American
disco sure is the hots! Let us capture the spirit of major rock
and rocknroll band 'Village Of The People'!" without realizing
that the Village People had turned disco gay forever.
"The Blues Brothers" has some great music in it, and some very
funny stuff, but it led to a far-too-late far-too-lame sequel,
"Blues Brothers 2000", which was very sad to watch because I kept
thinking that even propping the rotting corpse of John Belushi
up in front of the camera would be more entertaining than watching
the now-elderly Dan Aykroyd sleepwalking his way through the movie
with Replacement John Belushi (John Goodman, of course.) That's
one of the few movies that could have been pepped up by adding
Jim Belushi.
And as for "Popeye"... well... Robert Altman has made some great
films and some total disasters. "Popeye" is something of an
interesting failure, possibly because it was made before Robin Williams
got so sappy as to ruin everything he touched (his "Patch Adams"
phase.) However, I do recommend "One Hour Photo".
-- K.
(Fucking Agfa!)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Instant Review: Satellite and Tivo
Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 03:45:32 -0500
[following a discussion of TiVo, my most beloved home appliance]
"kerri" (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> Anything can be a sex toy if you have the time.
This raises an important research question:
Assuming that anything can be a sex toy if you have the time...
What is the world's slowest sex toy?
Go ahead and think about that difficult question before you answer.
After all, I have the time.
-- K.
And twelve rolls of duct tape,
including the kind that smells
the best. If you don't believe
me, go to OfficeMax and sniff
all the duct tape.
If they get weird about that,
tell them I told you to.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: slow sex (was: Satellite and Tivo)
Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 02:38:14 -0500
[regarding the universe's slowest sex toy]
Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote:
>
> Hydrogen. A light, colorless gas which, given sufficient time, turns
> into dildos.
Yes, but it also turns into whatever is the most powerful anti-aphrodisiac
there is. (Possibly The Golf Channel, or any program from that "G4" channel
that just shows ads for video games and pretends Wil Wheaton never existed.)
So I would rule out hydrogen because it could potentially change into
anything, even a still picture of Roger Ebert taking a shower.
Science needs to invent a light, colorless gas which can only turn into sex.
-- K.
Why are YOU people so obsessed
with sex all of a sudden?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Terrorist attack
Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 03:09:20 -0500
John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote:
>
> While going home from work yesterday, I came under heavy machine gun fire
> from two unidentified males, one of whom was totally naked. They were both
> Caucasian, approximately 4 feet (120 cm) tall, and aged about 4. I only
> escaped by feigning death, which is no mean feat whilst simultaneously riding
> a bicycle around a roundabout.
Here in Massachusetts, "roundabouts" are called "rotaries" because...
um... I don't know. They don't actually rotate. They hold still
while the cars revolve around the empty space inside the rotary.
Elsehwere in the USA, they're "traffic circles", which are so named
because adding one to any road creates traffic, just like in the
original SimCity. (Got a map containing only two houses and a lot
of roads? Hundreds of little black dots will start driving around
the road system, but only near the intersections and circles.)
> My ruse was effective, for I arrived home unscathed. I immediately hurried
> inside to refer to the anti-terrorism fridge magnet, a fixture in all good
> Austrian homes, but unfortunately it did not explain exactly how to deal with
> this particular situation. I decided to sleep on the matter before phoning in
> and reporting the incident.
>
> I can only hope justice will swiftly prevail.
The quickest way to prevent this from happening again would be to make
it illegal to ride a bicycle around a roundabout (or across it, or
anywhere else for that matter.) This would be good for many other reason,
such as, bicycles don't require driver's licenses so terrorists like to
ride bicycles because it's impossible for them to get driver's licenses.
So ban bikes now to make everyone happy!
> Remaining alarmed but not alert,
>
> John
I reduced my body's alert status to Double Blue Super-Safe Non-Alert
today because you just made me realize it's been over two years since
I was exposed to anthrax and I guess now I'm not going to come down with it.
By the way, what's this new rash?
-- K.
If I fly to New York again
this year, how will
terrorists ALMOST kill me
and/or Freddie Prinze Jr.
this time?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Terrorist attack
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 2004 21:39:47 -0500
Phil Brown (holyterror@bellsouth.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I reduced my body's alert status to Double Blue Super-Safe Non-Alert
> > today because you just made me realize it's been over two years since
> > I was exposed to anthrax [...]
>
> When I got my bank statement the other day, there was a strange white
> powder in it. I thought to myself, "Why did they put corn starch on my
> bank statement." Then it struck me - that's the new face of terror: a
> string of ridiculous overdraft charges!
The most interesting result of the silly anthrax mailings back in
late September, 2001 is that from now on there is only "strange white powder",
there will never again be any use for the phrase "ordinary white powder".
This is why people think Gold Bond Medicated Powder can't be just a
total waste of money, especially the elderly who believe that "medicated"
things should be dry powders that sit on the outside of your skin.
So, anyway, we've never really caught up on who here came how close to being
killed by the airplane terrorists on September 11, 2001 and who came how
close to being killed by the anthrax jerk in later September. I've already
pointed out that I was on a plane flying Boston->Los Angeles precisely
two weeks before September 11, and Los Angeles->Boston (with Freddie Prinze
Jr.) precisely one week before, so we can count that as a close call.
And then there's the business with me waiting in line forever in the
Penn Station Post Office on September 22 breathing in all those anthrax
spores (the letters were mailed on the 18th, and it was a day or two after
the 22nd that they realized the Post Office had caught the cooties.)
As a result, I have now lost all fear of terrorists, although I am still
scared of the Post Office. But I think that's just sensible. Who wants
to be around people whose dream job is to get paid to lick things all day?
-- K.
I freely admit that I did
lick the giant salt crystal
in the basement of the
Museum Of Science, but that
was just because I was
trying to impress my friends.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Communicating with lunar colonies
Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 03:26:16 -0500
David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote:
>
> Given that building a permanent colony on the moon is now on the agenda,
> I think we need to start preparing to communicate with the colonists. I
> think we need to rally support rally support from around the internet to
> set up some root servers for the .moon top level domain. ICANN has no
> jurisdiction there so we can do this.
>
> We should also do .mars while we're at it.
How high above the surface would .moon go? At some point it would
have to change to .deepspace or .solarsystem or something.
And isn't it wrong to make all those top-level domains -- why isn't
there a .universe top-level domain?
Good lord, I just made a satirical comment about the Internet that even
someone who didn't know anything about the Internet would make. Well,
at least I didn't add "dot com" to the end of it (or worse, "period see
oh em".) But still I bet that Andy Rooney is typing exactly the
same observation on his mechanical typewriter.
"Why do they call it the Internet? It's not a net, it's a web!"
PLEASE KILL ME NOW.
-- K.
At least Andy Rooney gets paid
for writing his crap. Why aren't
I being paid more for writing
less of it?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: The Weather
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 2004 01:43:49 -0500
John Schmidt (js@saltmine.radix.net) wrote:
>
> One of my co-workers brought back alligator jerky from a business
> trip. It smelled *unbelievably* vile, so was relegated to be a
> snack for my brother's dachshund. The weenie dog - who has been
> known to eat poo - wouldn't get within 10 feet of the jerky.
>
> I'm pretty sure even Kibo wouldn't eat gator jerky. Or poo,
> either.
I would _try_ to eat the gator jerky, especially if it were crispy like gator
bacon and not stretchy like Ronald McDonald's new Bag O' Gator Membranes.
However, I would call safeword on your poo.
-- K.
Is crocodile jerky any better?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Sure-fire way to get teenagers to eat frozen pizza!
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 2004 02:04:50 -0500
Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> MaMa Rosa's, a division of ConAgra Foods, recently rolled out a frozen
> pizza product that -- to judge by the coupon included last Sunday in My
> Local Newspaper -- is aimed squarely at teenagers. We know this because
> at the top of the advertisement with the coupon it says quite clearly
> "Hungry Teen?"
> Oh yeah, the name of the product?
>
> "Bite My Slice"
>
> Uh huh.
Hey, it's a better name than either "Byte My Slice" or "Slice My Bite"
(The latter is a combination straight razor and toothbrush, the former
being just stupid.)
> So, if I'm understanding this correctly, the frozen pizza product is
> supposed to be posited as an irreverent, smart-mouthed food item, that
> simultaneously draws you to it even as it flips you off. It doesn't so
> much welcome your patronage as shrug its shoulders, say "Whatever" and
> lie around until you eat it.
Food these days doesn't respect its masters the way Peter Davison did.
> Oh, and it's apparently available in four varieties, which the ad/coupon
> assures us are "tasty": Besides the rather pedestrian-sounding "Double
> Pepperoni," there's "Mega Meat" -- which sounds like a name some 1990s
> sit-com writer would think might be funny for a heavy-metal singer --
> and "Ultimate Mozz" (dude, put it on a skateboard and the middle-school
> boys'll eat it up!) as well as "Spicy Nacho." This latter variety seems
> rather absurd to me: Look, if you want pizza, eat pizza; if you want
> nachos, eat freekin nachos. Is there really any point in combining the
> two? Have they come up with pizza-flavored ice cream yet? Ice
> cream-flavored pizza? Oh, damn, I hope MaMa Rosa's isn't reading this.
From the makers of "Bite My Slice", "Lick My Cone".
> The ConAgra corporate Web site [www.conagrafoods.com], by the way, is a
> wonder to behold. Each of the section is topped by a
> parallelogram-shaped box in which you will find an image of a
> happy-looking employee, the determinedly professional CEO, and so on,
> with some kind of slogan that pertains to the section in question. So,
> if you click on "Investors," the first thing you get to read is "We have
> a plan for SUCCESS"; "Inside ConAgra Foods" offers you "We help set the
> table WHEREVER PEOPLE EAT"; and "Leadership Initiatives" is emblazoned
> with "We're committed to improving THE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE."
> In fairness, I should point out that the words I've capitalized here are
> actually in bold-faced lower-case letters on the actual site. But
> apparently these are the phrases ConAgra wants YOU to REMEMBER.
"ConAgra" always looks like it's an anagram of "anagram".
Anagrams of "Anagrams of ConAgra":
"A Gorgon Mascara Fan"
(Jo Anne Worley)
"Macon Gas Afar Argon"
(the Goodyear blimp is in a different row of the periodic table)
"Formosan Gag Arcana"
(footnotes to the instructions for finger traps)
"A Fag Moron Cans Agar"
(in the olden days, K-Y jelly came in convenient sardine cans)
"Car Oaf Groans Manga"
(some people have cars that make irritating knocking noises, and some
people's cars contain people who belch out plots to Japanese porn comics)
"Sarcoma Organ A Fang"
(Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that Dracula causes cancer.)
-- K.
Anagrams of "Anagrams Are Boring":
"Anagrams Be Roaring"
"Anagrams Ignore Bra"
"Anagrams Bare Groin"
"Anagrams Gore Brain"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Sure-fire way to get teenagers to eat frozen pizza!
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 2004 21:36:26 -0500
Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > "Bite My Slice"
> >
> > Hey, it's a better name than either "Byte My Slice" or "Slice My Bite"
> > (The latter is a combination straight razor and toothbrush
>
> "It keeps your teeth healthy and rids you of your annoying gums FOREVER!"
And to jump on the mouth-pain bandwagon, new Tabasco-flavored "Gleem"
will change its name to "Eeeek".
> > the former being just stupid.)
>
> Hmm, yes. It seems like it should be something vaguely computer-related,
> or else an attempt at edgy Renaissance Faire trash-talk.
"Member Of The Society To Reduce Wesley To A Small Slice Of Pizza And
Byte Him Dot Com"
I think you can buy that bumper sticker at that store in Harvard Square where
all the people too nerdy to go anywhere in the rest of Harvard Square go.
> > From the makers of "Bite My Slice", "Lick My Cone".
>
> "Scramble My Egg!" "Drench My French Fries!"
> Hmm. Dominance-submission themes in food product advertising. The 21st
> century is an exciting time in which to live.
Suddenly I need an Oranjeboom.
> > "ConAgra" always looks like it's an anagram of "anagram".
>
> I always want to make it the chorus of a sea-chanty:
> "John ConAgra Agra Agra too-rye-lay!"
You're thinking of "ConARRRRRRRRgra". "ConAgra" is more of a "Battlestar
Galactica" unit of molecular density divided by the direction of acceleration,
or something. "Sir, the Cylon Base Slice will arrive at position Alpha
Seven Neutron Blue Kappa Zappa in twenty-eight Bozitrons if we don't
re-orient the CompuGraphic Megaron to fiften point six Zontar Tetley
Furbion ConAgra. Hey, look, a Tektronix(R) brand oscilloscope!
ALL HAIL TEKTRONIX(R)!"
> > Anagrams of "Anagrams of ConAgra":
> >
> > "A Gorgon Mascara Fan"
> > (Jo Anne Worley)
>
> OK, recovered childhood memory: Jerry (non-Lee) Lewis used to have a
> weekly variety show back in the late '60s/early '70s,
...before Sandra Bernhard duct-tape-mummified him and then put a "Society
To Reduce Wesley Crusher To A Small Styrofoam Dodecahedron" sticker over
his breathing holes, giving him some of the brain damage he has today.
> because he apparently wanted people to think there was more to him than
> bubbling idiocy (whether he succeeded or not is for history to decide. Or
> possibly Fran Tarkenton). Anyway, one week his special guest was Jo Anne
> Worley, who was enjoying her "Laugh-In"-spawned burst of fame. When he
> introduced her, she came out on stage, ignored the audience, and
> attached herself to Jerry Lewis, nuzzling his neck and tousling his hair.
> Being 11 or 12 years old (maybe) at the time, it was about the most
> disgusting thing I'd seen in my life. On TV.
Hey, I've seen Sandra Bernhard licking Jerry Lewis. If it wasn't
for all the duct tape, that scene would have been gross!
> > "Macon Gas Afar Argon"
> > (the Goodyear blimp is in a different row of the periodic table)
>
> If you kiss the Goodyear blimp does your voice sound funny for the next
> minute or so?
I think I know something you don't.
> > "A Fag Moron Cans Agar"
> > (in the olden days, K-Y jelly came in convenient sardine cans)
>
> Thank God. I thought John Agar was out of work again.
I think he probably is, unless they really do want to dig up his
coffin just so that they can put him in the "Hagar The Horrible"
movie and advertise it as "Weekend At Bernie's Meets A Classic Syndicated
Newspaper Funny, When Agar Is Hagar!"
I apologize for not putting the umlaut in "Hagar" but it's okay because
you can tell it's not a real Viking name because it's not written in
runes that look like B1FFSP33K, or at least the font the Daleks used
for their neutron bomb countdown's slide projector in "Doctor Who And
The Daleks (IN COLOR)".
> > "Car Oaf Groans Manga"
> > (some people have cars that make irritating knocking noises, and some
> > people's cars contain people who belch out plots to Japanese porn comics)
>
> Kibo, have you been listening to Ani DiFranco again?
I don't know who he or she or it is.
> > Anagrams of "Anagrams Are Boring":
> >
> > "Anagrams Be Roaring"
> >
> > "Anagrams Ignore Bra"
> >
> > "Anagrams Bare Groin"
> >
> > "Anagrams Gore Brain"
>
> You mean -- it's impossible to make an anagram out of "anagram"?
No, it's just that if I did, the letters would be all mixed around
and people might get confused.
-- K.
Anagrams of "Anagrams Are Stupid":
"Anagrams Are Sutpid"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: ARRR!
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 2004 21:42:35 -0500
Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote:
>
> A local radio station has been playing their entire classic rock library
> from A-Z and are currently in the "R"s (Rosarita, if you must know). So
> this morning every fifth song or so a recorded voice goes "R" to let us
> know what letter we currently happen to be on and I can't help but imagine
> the woman who says the letter to be dressed up in piratical garb. Hot and
> slutty piratical garb, but you probably already knew that.
Yeah, but the RIAA is trying to cut down on that sort of thing.
How about -- to appease the anti-piracy brigade -- we just imagine
her as a hot and slutty Oscar The Grouch? "Hey, you crumbs, I said the
letter of the day is stupid stinky 'R'! Now buzz off or I'll cut ya!"
If I ever get to meet Carroll Spinney, I want to give him a big hug.
Also I want to ask him if he really does have a refrigerator filled
with cold drinks inside his Big Bird costume. I would assume so,
but only if they're non-alcoholic.
And I need to write some fan-fic as to why Oscar changed from that
orange-brown color to his moldy green color. Hey, my beard is currently
the color of Original Oscar -- does that mean I'm about to go moldy?
Should I stop living in this trash can and move into something more
hygeinic, like a washing machine or orgone box?
-- K.
I still think "Journey To Ernie"
just MIGHT be a knockoff of
"Blue's Clues", even though it
doesn't have the same rhyming
title, just a different rhyming
title plus exactly the same
format, plot, and repetition.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: ARRR!
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 2004 21:44:46 -0500
Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote:
>
> swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > On the bright side, I've found a way to get lots of followups. On the
> > flip side, I think I managed to piss more people off simultaneously than
> > I ever have before. Serves me right for posting before I've had my
> > coffee, I suppose.
>
> Welcome to the ladder of hate. You can fall off, but you can never climb
> down.
I've never thought of hate as a ladder, but rather more like a double
helix, where one helix is made out of greased razor blades and the other
is made out of yummy tasty candy but if you eat it you have to hang onto
the other helix and, ow.
Genetics work the same way, except that instead of hate and pain,
the double helix can reproduce, causing there to be lots of irritating
people in the world.
-- K.
By the way, "swt" (if that IS your real name),
I've forgotten -- what's the address of your Web page?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bill Gates Likes Him Some Privacy
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 2004 21:46:25 -0500
Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote:
>
> According to today's local paper, Bill Gates has bought 11 houses in
> the neighborhood around his gargantuplex, presumably because he wants
> to ensure his privacy. But what's he going to do with the houses?
> Unoccupied houses have a way of falling apart at the seams. Will he
> bulldoze them? From the neighborhood, I'm guessing that they're a step
> or two above a double-wide. Will he hire henchmen to live in them--but
> very quietly and very inconspicuously?
Maybe he just doesn't want to be bothered by the screams any more
after years of torturing people in his basement. So, he picked up
his trillion-dollar cell phone (made of solid saffron) and yelled
into it, "NEED SATELLITE DUNGEONS!" Tomorrow he'll inspect all the
houses he's taken over and yell, "MORE MOATS!" and, later,
"I CAN STILL SEE THROUGH THIS BARBED WIRE!" He'll then swallow the
saffron phone just so that the people in his sweatshops will have
to make him a new one (and he'll swallow it whole because nobody
likes the taste of large quantities of saffron. Bill Gates once
made a man cry by feeding him a pound of saffron.)
And remember, Bill Gates became a zillionaire because he's intelligent,
careful, and well-adjusted. Now imagine what a weirdo like ME might do
with that much money.
-- K.
You guys should be thankful
I'm too broke to buy
anything, especially stuff
with the words "flesh-melting"
and "ray" on the same box.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Kibo Posting Stats
Date: Mon, 19 Jan 2004 01:06:00 -0500
Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote:
>
> Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
> >
> > Kibo should always be at the top of all posting stats list, no matter
> > how little he may have posted.
>
> What makes you think Kibo wants to be at the top of all posting stats
> lists, ya little suck-up? He's not really a god, you know. It's just
> a coincidence that the things he's been eating all these years haven't
> killed him.
Fine, I was going to drink a bottle of Elmer's Glue for you people, but
because you were mean to me, now I'll just eat Snack Pack tapioca instead.
-- K.
Also, I should be the
only person on any list.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Confusing bus shelter ad
Date: Mon, 19 Jan 2004 01:17:53 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote:
>
> As seen this afternoon.
>
> Photo contains a lady in a bikini:
> http://timchuma.com/photos/kibology/confusingad.jpg
>
> "THIS DEODORANT MAKES YOU FRAME YOUR PRON?!?"
One I saw at a bus stop yesterday:
(picture of a fork holding a single giant kidney bean)
"LIVE TO BE AN OLD FART. musicalfruit.com"
It's some bean-industry thing about how beans have magical healing powers AND
make you fart, so now you have two reasons to eat them if you're a gullibozo.
-- K.
How many other companies will
jump onto the "Buy our product
because it makes you fart!"
bandwagon? (Other than TiVo?)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I deem you URLs unsatisfactory.
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 02:23:09 -0500
James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> EVERYONE IS FUCKING ALLOWED! EXCEPT SPOT!
Actually, I think there are a few people here who shouldn't be allowed to
fuck. I mean, they might reproduce or something. And that would be
horrible, especially if they were screwing Spot. You might have a
half-dog, half-nerd hybrid running around. It would be like that Disney
movie where they glued hair onto Fred MacMurray -- except even more not
funny. Even Wil Wheaton couldn't make that funny.
I suspect what you meant to say is
YOU'RE ALLOWED! EXCEPT FOR SPOT! ALSO, GUYS, PLEASE KEEP OFF THE DOG!
-- K.
I apologize for using dirty
words on the 21st-century
Internet, but it's okay
if they're about Spot because
dogs can't see swears.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I need a new crayon
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 02:31:48 -0500
Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote:
>
> Yesterday, a remarkable thing happened. I managed to invent a new
> colour. I don't quite know how I stumbled upon what I have called
> 'pink', but I am impressed with the result. The only problem that
> I have now is in explaining what this colour looks like for people
> who are not as attuned to the Earth's magnetic field as I.
>
> Let's see: it's like that feeling you get when you get up a little
> too quickly and you think you see dancing, ring-tailed lemurs that
> are somewhere off in the distance, whereas they're actually really
> close and quite small. That's 'pink'.
That shade of phosphene magenta is one of the two colors I'd want
painted in zig-zag stripes on my sports car, if I had one (the other
color would be the matching phosphene green) for two reasons:
1.) Nobody would ever steal my hideous "Wired"-magazine-colored car.
2.) And nobody would ever crash into it, just into all the less-visible
cars filled with unimportant people.
By the way, those nuclear-fluorescent shades of magenta and green
are the colors of the imaginary three-dimensional snake that spins
around inside my left eyeball (and only the left one) when I feel
a migraine coming on due to lack of food, tiredness, etc. It starts
out as this desperately-strobing blob in the center of my left
visual field, and over the course of half an hour or so it gradually
grows into a "C"-shaped snake, slowly getting bigger and bigger,
eventually passing out of the margins of the visual field altogether.
The snake has phosphene magenta and phosphene green stripes in a
double zigzag pattern like so:
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
...and the snake seems to be constantly revolving, like a barber pole,
except there's no actual motion in any particular direction, it's just
that the "motion detector" cells in the brain are being triggered
so that the snake is telling me "Hey! I'm moving!" without any signals
that any part of it is moving in any specific manner.
When I see that I know that I gotta jam a doughnut into me pronto.
-- K.
And no, I still don't have a brain tumor.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must drive a
CADILLAC to a ROCKING CHAIR store in CINCINNATI.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I need a new crayon
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 16:25:08 -0500
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
> >
> > Has anyone (well... other than Kibo) seen the strobing herringbone snake
> > that lives in my eyeball?
>
> Once, in high school, when the air conditioning went out and it was
> about 99 degrees in there and I was feeling dehydrated, I got a thing
> shaped sort of like a map of Cuba filled with oscillating magenta and
> violet jimmies. Scared the hell out of me.
That's what it was meant to do. It was Valis's way of telling you
that Zebra/Aramchek in orbit around Alpha Centauri wanted you to
know that the Communists were trying to get you to smear hot cocoa
on your baby's forehead unless he was baby Jesus in which case you'd
have to eat him, and then Fat Freddy's Cat would eat you and then
the Roman soldiers in Moon boots would invade your apartment just to
blow up your filing cabinet because you didn't feel like doing your taxes.
But then you'd go insane from staring at the Sun reflecting off a
shiny bumper sticker while you're overdosing on Vitamin A and
microwaving a cup of spaghetti and spilling your Mountain Dew all
over the counter.
Also, I bet I have been more dehydrated than you.
-- K.
One of my favorite conclusions
about the nature of human existence
is this: Everyone hallucinates
ALL the time. Everything you see
isn't quite right. So sit back
and enjoy the shimmery snakes!
You don't have to pretend they're
real, you just have to not be
afraid to say "Ooh, my brain wants
me to see some pretty colors today."
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I need a new crayon
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 23:31:34 -0500
Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > You don't have to pretend they're real, you just have to not be
> > afraid to say "Ooh, my brain wants me to see some pretty colors today."
>
> Stop anthorpomorphizing your brain!!
Well, see, I only say silly things like that when I let my mind wander.
And I shouldn't do that, because it's too little to be out alone!
OH! ZING! OH WHAT A ZINGER! I ZINGED MYSELF! KA-ZINGGGG! ZINGO!
ZOWIE ZEE ZINGO ZA-ZIM-ZAM-ZOOM!!!! DOUBLE ZIZZLE ZINGIZZLE!!!!!!
And I only start babbling like THAT when I've painted myself into a
corner and don't know what to say next. Unless I discover a secret
escape route like THIS paragraph, which SEAMLESSLY segues into a
discussion of an orange cone I saw!
There was this orange cone? And it was 3/4 buried into the ground
because it was marking the location of a hole? And it was really
really cold outside? So frost was growing on the edge of the little
hole at the top of the cone, where the edge faces inwards? And a
bunch of frost crystals were all growing towards each other across
the top of the cone? And that made the hole real small? And I didn't
have my camera with me that day? And now I'll never see that same
phenomenon again and I'm so broken up about it that I'm asking
questions that aren't even questions?
STOP. PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN. IF YOU DID NOT ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS
YOU WILL NEVER GET INTO COLLEGE.
-- K.
And THAT'S how I feel about my brain tonight.
Maybe I should divorce it...
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I need a new crayon
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 01:48:47 -0500
James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote:
>
> Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > >
> > > //\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
> >
> > WAH! Kibo's stolen my migraine precurser!
> >
> > Has anyone (well... other than Kibo) seen the strobing herringbone snake
> > that lives in my eyeball?
>
> Oh yes.
>
> The size of the snake is usually a good indication of the severity of
> the ensuing headache. When it goes away, I know I am fucked. While it's
> there, the painkillers work. Once it is gone, it is OVER. Then there's
> the headache and then the norse ear, and then I throw up once and it
> is gone.
"norse ear"? What, your ear turns into a horn on the outside of your helmet?
I know of the Chinese mushroom called "cat's ear" and "Jew's ear"
(because to Chinese people, cats and Jews look alike) but "norse ear"
is a new term to me (even though I have more Viking artifacts and
literature within ten feet of me than most actual Vikings ever did.)
> What's worse is the sudden stabbing pain in the eyeball that sometimes
> happens. First time I got one like that I was stumbling around behind
> the stage at school in the dark, and I though I had poked myself in the
> eye on something. So there I was with a killer eye ache, looking for the
> bar of metal I had run into that didn't exist.
Today at one point I realized I was holding a plastic spoon despite
not planning to eat anything requiring a spoon (I was about to take
chicken nuggets out of the oven.) Doesn't quite compare to your story
about the nuclear explosion underneath the skin of your eyeball,
but still nevertheless it must be significant because it happened to ME.
-- K.
And it wasn't a Norse ear spoon.
I clean my ears like a proper modern
person, with my pinky finger.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I need a new crayon
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 22:50:54 -0500
Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > By the way, those nuclear-fluorescent shades of magenta and green
> > are the colors of the imaginary three-dimensional snake that spins
> > around inside my left eyeball (and only the left one) when I feel
> > a migraine coming on due to lack of food, tiredness, etc. [...]
> > The snake has phosphene magenta and phosphene green stripes in a
> > double zigzag pattern like so:
> >
> > //\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
>
> WAH! Kibo's stolen my migraine precurser!
Well, actually, I bought it from Salvadore Ross. And he got it from
you when you traded him your ability to see the word " ".
Serves you right, you total !
Incidentally, the conventional medical wisdom is that most of the people
who get migraines are women. My personal suspicion is that women aren't
any more likely to get real migraines, they're just more likely to claim
they have one in order to get out of going to an all-steak restaurant
that has TV at every table. A guy would never fake a migraine in order
to get out of doing something his wife wanted to do. He'd simply employ
passive resistance and stay sitting on the couch in his underwear, and
to this day scientists cannot understand how the couch got into his
underwear. Especially lady scientists, who are all too busy worrying
about whether or not they should take off their glasses to become the
hero's love interest instead of just a "walking freezer unit".
> Has anyone (well... other than Kibo) seen the strobing herringbone snake
> that lives in my eyeball?
I think that guy in the movie "Altered States" has. You know, William Hurt.
The guy who turned into different rubber "Doctor Who" monsters when the
movie stopped being interesting. OH NO THE ZYGONS HAVE TAKEN OVER
BLUE HILL AVENUE! AND THE FRANKLIN PARK ZOO IS FULL OF PLASMATONS!
-- K.
Still, that movie is pretty
good as true stories go.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I need a new crayon
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 16:32:57 -0500
Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
> > >
> > >
> > > WAH! Kibo's stolen my migraine precurser!
> >
> > Well, actually, I bought it from Salvadore Ross. And he got it from
> > you when you traded him your ability to see the word " ".
> >
> > Serves you right, you total !
>
> You've also identified my other migraine precurser, who accompanies
> Mr. Snakey.
I'm not sure which "Twilight Zone" rerun that would be from.
Salvadore Ross was, of course, in "The Self-Improvement Of Salvadore Ross",
which was the first episode I ever saw. It may not have warped me for
life in the same way that "Sesame Street" and "The Prisoner" did, but
it was one of those pieces of television that, when you see it as
a small child, still sticks with your forever.
> Mr. Blind Spot likes to stymy my attempts at reading the warning labels
> on the pain killer bottles. I can tell there are letters there... but I
> can't tell which words they form.
BATMAN, WAKE UP! YOU FORGOT IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO IMAGINE
YOU CAN READ LETTERS WHILE YOU'RE DREAMING! IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION!
> Then the goblin that lives in my skull has enough and kicks them out of
> my eyeball with his steeltoe boot of PAIN.
That reminds me, I need to get new steel-toed boots. I've worn mine out.
(Who should I stop kicking?)
-- K.
clomp clomp clomp clomp clomp STOMP!
"Kibo's off-off-Broadway version
of 'Stomp' is like the original
without all that rhythm, which is
more than made up for by the scene
where he kicks Randy Newman until
he composes a song which doesn't
sound completely identical to all
the other ones. It's a hoot and
a half! Sincerely, Frank Rich.
I am not a pervert."
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: The Epic of Antworth - Part F,G & H
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 18:06:34 -0500
Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote:
>
> I still plan to finish this, [...]
Well, thanks for the warning.
HAVE MERCY ON US!!!
> The Epic of Antworth - PART F starring:
> Fibonacci & Fabio
>
> "And now I will explain this sequence of numbers, you fabaceous-brained
> Fabio!" exclaimed Fibonacci
>
> "I know your fatiguabilities on this subject you flibbertigibbet," he
> added flourishingly.
You know, this might be really good if you wrote it just like this
but then took out all the words starting with the same letter of
the alphabet and replaced them with other, better words.
For example:
The Epic of Antworth - PART F starring:
Sassy & Elmo
"And now I will explain this sequence of numbers, you duodenum-brained
wumpus!" exclaimed Sassy
"I know your unimpeachability on this subject you subwoofer," he
added haberdasherily.
See? It's at LEAST as good!
Almost a regular Tom Swift!
-- K.
"Mad Libs" are a writer's friend.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have
to go write a "Special Show" episode
about some hallucinations I had
and also a story where Spot goes
to the Middle Ages and meets
a [sound of funny-shaped dice
being rolled] rust monster.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I'm outta here!
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 18:09:59 -0500
Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> Not outta ARK though, so too bad for you! Well, actually out of ARK for a
> while. Because in forty-eight hours, I'm gonna be in Ireland on my
> honeymoon. And so's my wife.
YAY! SOMEONE FROM A.R.K MIGHT COME CLOSE TO HAVING SEX!
Be sure to take lots of photos for us. Also steal me some hotel towels
because I hear those Irish towels would be so much better for when I
lather up with Irish Spring and sing "Manly Man Songs" in the shower.
Tell your wife we said hi, and that we're all watching in spirit.
-- K.
We like to watch!
(Especially if it's on
the Game Show Network!)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: More disgusting elementary-school lunch menu items.
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 23:06:11 -0500
I wrote this in November 2003 and apparently never posted it, so here it is.
This is a sequel to my classic survey of school lunch menus posted on the Web.
All spellings are taken directly from the menus.
And now, buckle the heck up and prepare to say ECCH!
Germantown (Wisconsin) Elementary offers "Goofy String Beans"
and "Seven Dwarf Hash Browns" on a special day named
"Mickey Mouse Birthday". Or as they formatted it,
" MICKEY
MOUSE
BIRTHDAY"
Other horrifying items on that month's menu (January, 2003 --
incidentally, Mickey Mouse's REAL birthday is in November)
include "Pork fingers" and the ethnically specific "Italian
spaghetti with french bread and Mozzerella cheese cup."
No word yet on whether the cheese is as Italian as the spaghetti.
Swan Valley High (Michigan) not only offers the traditional
"Tater Tots" and "Tri Taters" but also something new to me
called "Crispy Cubes". I am assuming those are some sort of
extruded potato product and not just wood blocks, although
the kids probably can't tell the difference. Other gourmet
items at Swan Valley include "Assorted Pudding" (mmm, you
can really taste the assortedness), the super-classy
French entree "Taco with garnishement", and... um...
"Wet Burrito". I'd love to see a photo of that one because
I bet it would give me another chance to yell "DIAPROUS
MAXIMUS, WITH GRAVY!" A couple weeks after "Wet Burrito"
is "Taco Burrito", which, sadly, does not come with Spaghetti
Lasagna, wet or dry. Another option is a "Taco Salad Edibowl",
although I think they may have meant to type an "e" after the "w".
Waverly-Shellrock (Indiana) High has yet another name for
a geometric blob of potatoes, "Potato Roundabouts".
No good food item has ever contained the word "about".
Example: "Honey, do you want gravy on your beefabout?"
Incidentally, speaking of extruded potatoes, the most common
potato 'strusion seen on these menus is "Tator Tots", which
is at least as popular than actual Tater Tots. Occasionally
Tator Tots and Tri Taters are combined into the deadly "Tritators"
(Walter Koenig says to tell you they were invented by Ivan Burkoff.)
West Broad Street School (in Connecticut) eschews slang
and serves "Potato Tots".
Henrietta (Texas) Junior High has "Steak Fingers", which
aren't quite as obscene-sounding as Germantown's "Pork fingers",
although it could be a Shirley Bassey song about vampires.
They also offer a politically-correct gender-neutral "Sloppy Jo"
and what is labelled "Hoagie Sandwich" which I think is short
for "Hoagie Grinder Torpedo Submarine Sandwich-style Sandwich".
Fayetteville (Arkanasas) has a number of odd items: "Oven Ready
Fries" (for those kids who hate the kind that's never been frozen),
"Pull Apart Bread" (as opposed to their usual Indestructible Bread),
"Ocean Treat Fish" (which may have a picture of Morris on the can),
"Potato Smiles" (NO IT DOESN'T!), and, just for fans of
Cartoon Network, "Pizza Brakfast Bagel".
North Thurston (Washington) Elementary has invented "Strawberry
Power Jell-o", which I guess is PowerAde with more lumps. Nearby
Mount Baker (Washington) informs us that October 2 was
National Custodian Day and to celebrate they served Sloppy Joes,
although they forgot to add "GET IT?" Later that month they
have an "EXTREME Crispadora" in boldface, "Chineese Egg Roll"
with a full day's supply off doubble letterrs, and "Hip Dippers",
although it doesn't say whose hips they were.
To compete with the Crispadora, Licking Heights (Ohio) offers
a "Fiestada". Not to mention a "Hornet McMuffin" which violates
trademark law while it stings the inside of your mouth.
To go with it, Cashton (Wisconsin) has "Sting Cheese".
On November 20, Anderson (South Carolina) celebrates Thanksgiving
with a special menu including the breakfast I would least like to eat:
"Breakfast Pizza W/Cheese Grits". Two days later for lunch you
can get the "Anderson One Chicken Filet" which can start a hilarious
game of "I _one_ the chicken filet! I _two_ the chicken filet!"
Wake County (North Carolina) Elementary offers students
"Assorted Smart Pizza", but I have to say, if it's so smart,
why is it assorted? And how do they keep the assorted pizza
from getting mixed in with Fayetteville's assorted pudding?
Kids hate it when their food touches, so why do they stand
for their food being assorted?
Jenison / Hudsonville (Michigan) wants us to think they combined
two forms of cheese to get the "Cheese Pizzadilla", which probably
is really just one and a half forms of cheez. Other entrees
of disgust include "Taco in a Bag" and, if you like to dine and
dash, by which I mean eat and run, by which I mean painful
explosive diarrhea, "Wet Burrito with Montezuma Chips".
Northland Pines (Wisconsin) has "tuna ptia w/ shrd cheese".
OH MY GOD THEY COOKED AND ATE THE WHOLE PTA!!! Other delicious
Wisconsin ethnic delights include "steamed rice/ gravy" and
"peanut butter bread". This might possibly be the blandest
school district in the world, even including Canada.
Our old friend "Walking Taco" has now wandered over to
West Claremont (Ohio) which also combines more of our
previous acquaintances into "Chicken Hip Dipper w/sauce or
Fish Treasure w/tartar sauce" so if I had found their Web site
first this article would be just this paragraph.
Auburn (Washington) celebrated "World Series" day (you know,
the day they played all seven games) on October 17 with
"Slugger Chicken Drums", which are 50-gallon containers of
toxic waste that turns chickens into giant slugs. For Halloween,
the kids got "Haunted Chicken Hearts" which would be funny
IF THEY WERE ONLY JOKING!
Another Washington school (Renton) has "TEXAS STYLE FRENCH TOAST"
which might go well with the aforementioned Italian Taco Spaghetti
Burrito or whatever it was.
Andrews (Texas) just isn't trying with "Ground Meat/Gravy".
As in "Hey, kids, you don't need to know what it is if it's
ground up." However, we can figure out what type of meat it
is by scrolling to the end of the week to find "Mustang Hamburger".
Saint Patrick School in Cedar Falls (Ohio) introduces us to
the topological perversion of the "Lasagna roll-up".
Cherry Creek (Michigan) scares me with "Bubblin' Baked Beans"
and "Vegetarius Veggies". (However, I liked that movie where
Vegetarius ate most of Tokyo before the army wilted him.)
For Halloween, they had the painfully clever "Ghoul-ash",
although they also forgot to say "GET IT???"
Nine Mile Falls (Washington) has an embarassment of riches,
including (but not limited to) "TERYIYAKI DIPPERS", "MASCHED
POTATOES", "CHICKEN GRACY" (say goodnight!), "CARROT COINS"
(usually known as "pennies"), "CORNJ NIBLETS" (mmm, tastes like
Jersey!), and "TURCKEY WRAP". But worst of all is that the most
special day on their calendar is "STIX DAY" ("MAX CHEESE STIX,
SPAGHETTI SAUCE, BREAD STIX, VEGGIE STIX"), some of which may
be actual sticks with the bark still on them.
South Clay (Indiana) questions the nature of what-is-ball and
what-is-loaf with "Meatloaf Meatballs". There's also a
"Hamburger on SMB" of unknown acronym (maybe "Sesame Mashed Bun"?),
"Cheese Quesadilla" (but is it a queso-style cheese quesadilla
with cheese?) and the highly kinky "Maidrite on SMB". Oh, wait,
at the bottom it says "* SMB = School Made Bun". Although I'm
not sure that something "maid" "rite" can be put on something
that was "made" and not "maid" without the two cancelling each
other out in a fiery explosion of the sort of cutesy intentional
misspellings which indicate low-kwality phood produktz.
The Beary Patch Cafe in Lumpkin (Georgia) celebrates one day
with an "Indian Feast" which involves "Carrot Arrows". They
seem to like food named after hard inedible objects, because
two weeks earlier they had "Green Beams".
Saint Francis (Wisconsin) High strains kids' brains with
"Chessy Cheese Pizza". Retchmate!
Getting crazy, Hough ("say Howk") School (Washington)
has "Turkey TetraZANY". It's twice as funny as regular
tetrazini. The capitals almost count as a "GET IT?" but
still they should have explained it more.
Beagle (Michigan) Middle School has "Bosco Sticks", which I assume
are actually shaped like puddles, unless they've found a way to
make Bosco work like Magic Shell.
Macomb (Michigan) tries to make Kelsey Grammer sound macho by
renaming him "Fraser Mac", although I bet he still tastes lame.
They also have a "Mote Cristo".
Hillsboro County (Florida) Secondary School offers an ethnic
slur, "Cuban Grab N' Go", which is a riot. One side dish is
"Tiny Triangles", which I guess are like Tri Taters only with
less tater. (Tater is expensive!)
Waterford (Wisconsin) Graded School District gets kinky with
their dinky "Weiner winks". Not to mention "Meatball bombers"
which I hope are a type of food and not a type of fart so
potent it had to be documented on the menu.
St. Mary School (Texas) tried to make things hard for me by putting
their entire menu on a postage stamp, but I was able to enlarge the
image to find "Chk'n Giggles" (usually you're choking after you
giggle too hard, not before!) and "Jo Jo Potatoes", named in honor
of all children's favorite semi-autobiographical drama about Richard
Pryor's horrible facial injuries.
And now, the finale.
September 12, 2003.
King's West (Washington).
"SPAGHETTI w/ MEATBALLS or CORN GOD".
And best of all, God comes with salad bar!
-- K.
Incidentally, a little research turned up
the secret recipe for the "Walking Taco" as
sold at country fairs in hillbilly areas
everywhere: Single-serve bag of Fritos
with a ladle of canned chili dumped in.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: More disgusting elementary-school lunch menu items.
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 01:39:34 -0500
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...] National Custodian Day and to celebrate they served Sloppy Joes,
> > although they forgot to add "GET IT?"
>
> In 3rd grade in Lebanon, Missouri, I had the biggest bitch of a
> teacher named Mrs Abbott. If she's reading, I hope it's from a nice
> comfy place in the 7th circle of hell.
One thing I've never understood: Why are they circles and not pentagrams?
> Anyhow, we had a student in class named Joe, who one day overheard me
> and another student talking about how the Sloppy Joe's in the cafeteria
> sucked.
> Joe ran out of the room crying, apparently thinking we were talking
> about him and calling him "sloppy". 3rd graders weren't very tough
> back then.
That's why there was gym class. To toughen kids up to prepare them
for an adult life consisting of having hard rubber dodgeballs thrown
at their face by bullies all day every day.
> Mrs Abbott came in, and did that sort of threatening backswing
> motion where it looks like she's about to backhand me hard, but
> stopped herself.
You are Tie Domi and I suppose you're happy that Mrs. Abbott decided
she'd rather play in Vancouver from now on.
(That sentence was just for Etienne Rouette.)
> THEN she asked what happened.
> Anyhow, this post reminds me of how some child rap star on a
> Nickelodeon commercial was wearing a shirt that read, "Keepin' it
> real." Before I started yelling, "Get offa my TV!" I had to remind
> myself that was the same as the shirt I had in the 1970s that said,
> "DY-NO-MITE!" and the shirt I had in the 1980s that said, "Grody
> to the max!"
> Sigh.
I had a shirt with a picture of Morris and of course my famous
"I feel like a NIMNUL!" Mork shirt. Oh, and later I bought a
"Cyberman" shirt at a science-fiction convention, but that doesn't
count because it was after I was old enough to have known better.
(I liked the graphic design. And heck, I'd be a Cyberman if I
could, but only if it was in one of the early episodes where the
point would be that I would be tougher and stronger and smarter and
scarier than the puny Earthlings instead of subject to exploding
when someone shoots me in the leg with an arrow.)
> > Hillsboro County (Florida) Secondary School offers an ethnic
> > slur, "Cuban Grab N' Go", which is a riot.
>
> You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Is that an order, Mistress? And should I do both of those at the
same time or one after the other?
(Just a moment while I put on the T-shirt over my silver rubber
suit so I can be your Cyberman...)
> Did I mention one of the local cafeteria women was fired last week for
> saying out loud, "I can't believe we have to celebrate that n*gger's
> birthday". About the 19th.
I've never been wild about Shawn Wayans (he's about my eighth most
favorite Wayans brother) but even so I wouldn't den*grate his
birthday (January 19, 1971). He has just as much right to have
everyone in the world celebrate his birthday as the rest of us do.
By the way, mine's July 13th. I'll be 37, which means my expected
lifespan will be officially half over. SO WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE WASTING
ALL THESE YEARS OF MY LIFE BY NOT NAMING A NATIONAL HOLIDAY AFTER ME?
This year all I want for my birthday is to have something named
after me, something bigger than anything named after anyone else
born on July 13. Hmm... I guess that means you'd have to name
the entire year after me, because of that Julius guy with the
bad haircut who took over the whole month. Okay, I call dibs on
having all 365 days named after me to prove my hair isn't quite
as bad as his.
> Again, I realize I have no faith in humanity.
We Cybermen agree. The human race is inefficient and must be destroyed.
No, wait, that's what Robotrons say. Cybermen are better. Taller, too.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must go try to figure out why I have an
accordion and several Wiffle balls stapled to my wetsuit.
-- K.
I understand the point
of the accordion, but
Wiffle balls serve
no purpose for anything!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: More disgusting elementary-school lunch menu items.
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 01:16:03 -0500
Tim Serpas (wretch@fnord.io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > "Wet Burrito with Montezuma Chips".
>
> Dear god in heaven.
I hear that, although the original "Battlestar Galactica" was completely
faithful to the Book Of Mormon, the next revival of the series will take
the view that Dear God In Heaven is a Wet Burrito with Montezuma Chips.
But then in the second season, when they land in California and start
driving around on their invisible flying motorcycles, they'll change
God to be a Wet Burrito with Montezuma CHiPs, and all the Galacticans
will keep quoting Erik Estrada's hip catchphrase, which was... um...
I can't remember, but he must have had one, because his show was on
in the Seventies.
-- K.
I still think the most
embarassing photo of me
ever taken is the one
where I'm holding hands
with the Cylon that
was built for the 1997
"Galactica" revival.
The only way it could have
been more humiliating would
be if the Cylon had made
me lick his space galoshes
under threat of having
to watch the punishingly
disinteresting 2004 version.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: laptop user manual
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 16:36:50 -0500
no@identity.com wrote:
>
> Quote:
> In the position indicated in the example above by the *, the space
> left between the characters indicates that a space needs to be left in
> the entry by pressing the space bar (the long key with nothing written
> on it at the center of the front of the keyboard).
You mean the trackpad button?
If pressing the space bar makes an "*", when should I press the asterisk key?
Never, or someday?
-- K.
Also, I don't have any
long keys, just one
really _wide_ key.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 00:56:50 -0500
"Tamara" (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote:
>
> I went to the local market today. On the way home, I saw two elderly
> women leaning on their walkers trying to make their way through the snow.
> I stepped aside to let them pass and smiled at them and cheerily said
> "Have a good afternoon!" The first one replied with "Yeah, right" and
> the second one just glared at me.
>
> So I shoved them into oncoming traffic.
Ah, a typical day in Toronto. I think the United States should follow
Canada's lead and perform the same social experiment. Let's see if we
can also fool the rest of the world into thinking we're a bunch of polite,
mild-mannered, tidy, obedient civic-minded people by concentrating all
our rudeness and cussing in our most-important-but-not-the-capital city,
New York.
(Yes, we currently have it outside of New York too.)
-- K.
I'm typing this on the subway
and I'm the only person here to
have a laptop computer OR a
leather biker jacket, so people
have no idea which reason to
be most scared of me. I could
be a nerd, or I could just
beat them up while yelling "Ayyy!"
They're all thinking "Uh oh,
a tough guy with really thick
glasses. Wish he weren't wearing
a hat so we could tell if he has
a Mohawk that matches the orange
Manic Panic in his beard so we
could figure out whether he's
a punk-wannabe or just abnormal."
People don't know WHAT to think
about me! And I don't either!
I win!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 23:07:22 -0500
TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > They're all thinking "Uh oh, a tough guy with really thick
> > glasses. Wish he weren't wearing a hat so we could tell if he has
> > a Mohawk that matches the orange Manic Panic in his beard so we
> > could figure out whether he's a punk-wannabe or just abnormal."
>
> I wish I could be Kibo.
"HAW HAW! THAT IS SO GAY!"
Oops, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Still, it was worth it just
to zing someone.
I reapplied the Manic Panic dye last night so now my beard is much
oranger. Goes nice with my blackish hair and the steel-colored eyes.
Makes the eyes look more intense. I said, MAKES THE EYES! LOOK!
MORE! INTENSE! ARRRRRRRRR! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!!!! Sorry,
for a moment I turned into a robot pirate or something else from the
future as predicted by all that children's TV we watched before you
decided you wanted to be me.
-- K.
(ever get the feeling that maybe
there's something I'm always
ALMOST ready to talk about?)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags
Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 04:49:45 -0500
Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote:
>
> In my neck of Toronto I have twice had men pee in my general direction
> since moving here in October. The first time was in December when I was
> coming out of the back of my building and the second was the other night
> when I was on my way to the drugstore to buy juice and milk. And I'm
> talking turning to face me and laughing, not slightly embarassed to have
> been caught urinating in the outdoors.
>
> Toronto is not a noticeably nice city.
It has a reputation within Canada for being the one part of Canada
that's rude enough to be part of America. Americans view Canada
as our country's largest suburb, while Canada views the United States
as this big thing that contaminated Toronto.
Of course, Toronto has a lot of sweet people (like Tamara!)
But you don't get those Edmonton-like or even Ottawa-like levels
of unnerving, pathological friendliness. The kind that scares
Boston or New York City residents when people are nice to you
just because they like being nice to you. (In the U.S.,
that only happens in backwaters like Minneapolis. In New York
and Boston, people pee all over you all the time, especially
in bars, elevators, and at the opera.)
The interactions in most of Canada are exactly like this:
TYPICAL CANADIAN: Hi.
AMERICAN (startled): Wuh?
TYPICAL CANADIAN: Hello. Sorry to have walked past you
on this sidewalk. I'll walk backwards
for a while so I can take this time
to welcome you to our country.
AMERICAN (scared stupid): Buh?
TYPICAL CANADIAN: I just baked you a spruce pie. Do you
want to take any of my stuff? I have
a new TV set that could be better used
for all those swell channels you get.
America is splendid and please try not
to invade us, unless at least one of
you wants to.
Toronto is more like Boston or New York City:
TYPICAL NEW YORKER: Fuck you!
MIDWESTERNER (shocked): I beg your pardon, sir?
TYPICAL NEW YORKER: No, fuck YOU!
MIDWESTERNER: Excuse me, sir?
TYPICAL NEW YORKER: And fuck the horse you rode in on too!
MIDWESTERNER: My horse done gone an' died!
TYPICAL NEW YORKER: Good! (Puts on a top hat and a monocle,
then drives off in a Rolls-Royce that
says "PLANTERS" on the side.)
And don't get me started on how everyone in California pretends to
be happy all the time (hiding a deep empty loneliness which, if openly
confronted, would drive them permanently insane and make them all turn
into Manson family members or at least vote for a kill-crazed weightlifter.)
-- K.
NOT BITTER ABOUT LIVING ON
THE ONLY CONTINENT WITH
THIS MANY KINDS OF WEIRDOS
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 01:46:02 -0500
Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Of course, Toronto has a lot of sweet people (like Tamara!)
> > But you don't get those Edmonton-like or even Ottawa-like levels
> > of unnerving, pathological friendliness.
>
> I'll be quite happy then to move to Ottawa where golden showers are not
> handed out free on the streets. The only negative experience I ever had
> in Ottawa was when the cops told my friends and I politely not to stand
> on the Eternal Flame monument.
The only time I got hassled in Ottawa was when I made the mistake of
getting off the plane there while already wearing a Senators jersey.
Obviously that marked me as some sort of weirdo because no Americans
wear hockey jerseys when they're not at a game, as opposed to Canadians
who sleep and shower in theirs.
Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote:
>
> True story -- a few years back, IN OTTAWA, I was crossing one of the many
> bridges on foot. I heard a shrill whistle and looked down and there was a
> guy smiling at me happily while spanking his monkey.
Was he near the Ottawa end of the bridge or the Gatineau (Hull) end of
the bridge? If the latter, was he wearing a T-shirt that said, in French,
something about liking the second "Asterix" movie better than the good one?
> The worst (or funniest, depending on how you look at it) thing that ever
> happened to me in Toronto, short of being solicited for sex and almost being
> mugged while walking with Kibo on Yonge Street,
(Note: I was not the one who solicited and mugged her.)
> was that I was flashed by a guy wearing a trench coat and a bra.
> This happened on Bloor near Sherbourne. I just laughed!
I got groped once right outside Cheers(TM), but you don't hear me
bragging. I so would have punched the guy in the face if I didn't
have two armfuls of groceries. And the a-hole just kept on walking
without even saying "Thanks for not punching me after I proved myself
to be incapable of understanding even basic societal norms."
-- K.
I've never punched anyone in the
face, but I certainly could,
especially if I've just seen
a good Senators game. I wish
I could punch people from
eight feet away like Zdeno Chara.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Kibo Killed Captain Kangaroo
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 01:13:28 -0500
Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote:
>
> That's right. Kibo himself appears to have wielded the Death Ray in
> Message ID .
Sorry!
As punishment, Slim Goodbody's going to padlock me into a tight leather
bodysuit with internal organs tied around it. And then either the moose
or the rabbit puppet will dump Ping-Pong balls on my head (I can't
remember which one was the evil puppet.)
Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan was a truly great guy, even if he
was in a movie with Tom Arnold ("The Stupids"). He and Mr. Rogers
and the original "Sesame Street" were so much better than modern
children's TV, and now all three of them are gone (there's still
a "Sesame Street" on the air, but it's bad now.)
Bob Keeshan was an outspoken critic of modern kids' shows (he refused
to have any involvement with a revival of "Captain Kangaroo" in
the 1990s because it was produced by the people who make the violent
"Might Morphin' Power Rangers".) He was the only REAL Captain Kangaroo.
Like Mr. Rogers, he spent his life telling kids it was okay to
express their feelings and that it's nice to be nice to people.
He was swell.
-- K.
The article in question
was an explanation of
my Christmas 2002 story
(the one where Einstein
went medieval.) I'm
not sure who I'll kill
if I ever choose to
explain the Christmas
2003 story (the only one
that's ever gotten kinky.)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Ladder of Hate
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 01:13:40 -0500
Brendan Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote:
>
> Brane:
>
> 1. Ladder of Hate.
> 2. ladders.
> 3. Burgertime!
> 4. Watch out for that dancing pickle, throw the pepper!
> 5. What is that egg-looking thing?
> 6. Walk through the bun,make it soggy,watch it fall.
> 7. All burgers complete. Dance.
>
> irstupid,
>
> Brendan B Connor
Why would anyone want to eat giant hamburgers that you've been walking
on? Why would throwing pepper at a pickle paralyze it, since real pickles
love pepper? Why is there a fried egg involved at any level of
hamburger-making? "BurgerTime" dates from the early 1980s, back before
video games developed perfectly logical plots. Now only pinball machines
have incoherent plots (except for the fact that there aren't any more
pinball machines) and video games make perfect sense, just like all
"Star Trek" episodes, especially "The Alternative Factor" and "Mudd's Women".
Now, "Mad Planets", there was one of the few arcade video games from
the "BurgerTime" era that had a clear, lucid plot. Especially the
part about the planet Kryptophan hucking its moons at you while God
lobs a mixture of 50% comets and 50% astronauts at you from outside
the Universe, within which everything orbits in a gravity well which
has nothing at its center, except for your ship which can move in
any direction while firing in any other which is wrong because
real spaceships can't back up.
-- K.
Also, what's the deal with "Tempest"?
I can't find Caliban anywhere or
even Robbie The Robot! Still, there's
something so viscerally satisfying
about spinning a knob to make things die.
I always liked how the game's sound
effects were drowned out by the knob
going "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: My building just burned.
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 01:21:23 -0500
Just wanted to let you know that the 6th floor of my apartment building
had what the firefighters called "a serious fire". (I live on the 7th.)
There were about 20 assorted fire/police/rescue vehicles here with
flashing lights. Ladders and hoses up to the 6th floor where someone's
apartment was burning. (Thankfully, it was the opposite end of the
building from me, and the sprinklers did not go off in my apartment,
but now my clothes smell like the basement of the Hickory Farms factory.)
I don't have any details on what happened, but I just wanted to say
I'm okay and I did NOT die.
-- K.
That's because this isn't Las Vegas,
where every day at least three
different casinos mysteriously burn
down without ANY help from the mob.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: My building just burned.
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 23:09:02 -0500
Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote:
>
> swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > If only Hallmark made an "I'm very glad you didn't burn to death" card, I
> > would send one. There's all sorts of cards that they don't make (yet),
> > like "Thanks for destroying the negatives, as you promised" and
> > "Congratulations on getting a new Bejeweled high score" and "Sorry I made
> > you feel guilty by sending lots of unreciprocated cards".
>
> Damn, Kibo, I was about to send out the Hallmark "I'm very glad you did
> burn to death" card and then you had to go and post and say you didn't
> die. So I guess I'll just be glad you didn't die, instead.
I dyed my beard. Does that count?
I wish I didn't have to go all the way across town to buy Manic Panic.
The drugstores here just have human shades of hair dye. And my current
favorite color is "Electric Lava" (it's a blotchy orange that glows
under a blacklight, although I didn't pick it because of its fluorescence,
I picked it because it's a little translucent to allow the natural
shading of my hair to show through a little, making it not one of
those solid crayon oranges that only professional clowns wear.)
> So, you should start your own investigation of this fire. I can
> envision you poking around the scene of the fire like Columbo. Was the
> fire an act of terrorism? If you start a rumor to that effect, will it
> get the Department of Fa^H^HHomeland Security involved? Do you have any
> enemies? Enemies who post on this newsgroup? Anyone who said that they
> were trying to annoy you and posted the message "poke poke poke"?
> Anyone who said you were "asking for it"? Or perhaps, do you have
> enemies who know the number of the floor you live on but have trouble
> counting? Have you taken any photos of the fire trucks? Were there
> any cones there? Did you get photos of the cones? All these important
> questions.
I was planning to go look at the 6th floor this morning, but I forgot
because I had to run out the door really fast because I was late
for an appointment after my alarm clock had trouble waking me up
from a dream where Al Roker was about to congratulate me on quitting a
crappy job at The Weather Channel when I won $4.3 million dollars
in some sort of raffle sponsored by the Big Dig (another very minor
cost over-run.) If there's any major devastation on the 6th, I hope
they don't clean it up before I get back home in a few hours.
I tried to take photos of the fire trucks, but it was dark outside
except for all the strobe lights, and it was really really cold,
and I couldn't hold the camera steady enough to take one of those
really long exposures of a bunch of strobe lights hovering in darkness
and my fingers would have gone numb if I had tried to light-meter
and manually expose it.
I did not see any cones, except for the ones which were already
around my building before the fire.
Also, at the moment, I'm not dressed like Columbo. I look more
like Jack Black in "The Neverending Story 3" -- you know, the
high school bully in his mid-'30s with a bald spot and a squeaky
clean leather jacket they're going to return to the store right
after they spend three days filming the lousy movie. And one more thing...
both of my eyes are real, even though, as I've mentioned earlier today,
they both look like robot eyes because for some reason most of the
blue color has faded away leaving me with nice metallic irises.
BE SEEING YOU.
-- K.
(...especially if you
keep standing on the
other side of that
flimsy brick wall,
puny hu-man.)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: My building just burned.
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 01:56:33 -0500
Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I wish I didn't have to go all the way across town to buy Manic Panic.
> > The drugstores here just have human shades of hair dye. And my current
> > favorite color is "Electric Lava" (it's a blotchy orange that glows [...]
>
> ... um, I have a theory.
>
> Kibo, could you please dye your beard blue? just to see what happens?
>
> oh, any Bostonian Kibologists might want to make sure everything they
> own is securely tied down and won't float away.
But then someone will have to go back in time and make Suetonius change
that chapter to begin with a story about how in 498 BC some guy's beard
turned blue so that more than five and a half centuries later, Rome
would be destroyed by a flood while Jack Benny played the fiddle
and Wilma Flintstone (having arrived in a different time machine)
watched from the front row of the seats in the gladiatorial arena and
that would be wrong because it would render "The Flintstones" historically
inaccurate because women weren't allowed to sit in the front.
-- K.
I am, however, tempted
to stop dyeing my beard
nuclear orange and just
do my whole head in
blue and black zebra
stripes, except that
fluorescent blue just
isn't too bright. Could
someone please invent
a better fluorescent blue?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: My building just burned.
Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 04:06:42 -0500
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And one more thing...
> > all three of my eyes are real, even though, as I've mentioned earlier
> > today, they all look like robot eyes because for some reason most of
> > the blue color has faded away leaving me with nice metallic irises.
>
> I adjusted your concept for you.
I should know not to say "one more thing" when mentioning any countable
body parts. Thanks for giving me that extra eye, Victor Borge, I'll
need it if I ever want to be able to see four-dimensional images
(two eyes can see 3-D, so three eyes can see 4-D.)
> Per haps your magentic personality has finally depolarized the protein
> chains shared by bluejays into a form that LETS YOUR BRANE SHINE THROUGH
>
> no, never mind, worst scientific-exposition limerick ever
I don't have any genetic material in common with blue jays. If I did,
that woman wouldn't have threatened to throw me in jail for wanting to
visit the CN Tower in Toronto. I guess they knew I dislike baseball and,
by association with the Maple Leafs, a general animosity towards all
Toronto sports teams, so they thought I was going to go up the CN Tower
and spit on the Blue Jays (the SkyDome is right below the observation
deck, and usually has an open roof during the six days Toronto has summer.)
I think that basically my eye pigmentation has been fading as I've
aged. My hair, on the other hand, only developed dark pigmentation
when I was several years old (I had bright orange hair when I was
a small child, before it darkened to brownish-black. That's one
reason I'm comfortable with my dyed-orange beard, I was born a redhead.)
I haven't seen this sort of steely eye color on too many other people,
but I love it because it looks science-fictiony. And the weak coloration
of the irises really brings out the complexity of the detail within
(such as the subtle difference of tint between the inner and outer edges
of the iris.)
I did seriously think about getting bright orange contacts a while
ago, but I eventually decided that my eyes look intense enough in
their natural state, wearing fake eyes wouldn't be as interesting.
-- K.
Now apologize for altering my quote,
because you're going to make Google
cry when they discover this first
contradiction in their archives.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: My building just burned.
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 23:36:46 -0500
Eleven hours ago, I wrote:
>
> I was planning to go look at the 6th floor this morning, but I forgot
> [...] If there's any major devastation on the 6th, I hope
> they don't clean it up before I get back home in a few hours.
I got home just now (which is why the above was only posted an hour ago)
but I changed out of my "outdoors in freezing weather" clothes and went
exploring on the floor below.
Everything smells like smoke, and the carpet is gone, with one of
those big industrial blowers set up to get rid of the damp and the
smoke. One of the apartments is missing its doorknob (due to
fireman damage.) There is no major damage to the corridor, I think
that basically just the interior of one apartment burned. All the
smoke went outside, so the parking lot smells smoky but the building's
interior isn't too bad except right on the 6th floor.
There was a reporter sticking a TV camera in my face last night,
so I ordered my TiVo to get me two different newscasts this morning.
One said that the fire burned "several units" of the building
and that "two hundred" residents had to stand outside in the
freezing weather, while the other emphasized that the firemen
had no trouble putting out the tiny blaze that inconvenienced
"dozens" of residents. (The actual number of people standing
there must have been well over 500. This building is over 20 stories,
and most people would have been at home at the time.)
One of the newscasts mentioned that one resident is now homeless,
but apparently everybody survived.
I did not show up on either newscast in my dorky Hudson Bay Trading
Company fur-lined hat (purchased in Ottawa during an even more
severe cold snap.) The surprising thing is that, when the alarm went
off, I sent the E-mail I was typing, got dressed in a hurry and
ran down the stairs -- without taking my laptop computer. I need
to either remember to take it next time, or at least make some
backups and keep them at my office.
-- K.
Does anyone else live in
a total fucking deathtrap?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: My building just burned.
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 22:53:19 -0500
swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Just wanted to let you know that the 6th floor of my apartment
> > building had what the firefighters called "a serious fire". (I live
> > on the 7th.)
>
> The 7th floor has no serious fires, only WACKY fires, so it's fortunate the
> conflagration didn't spread. The smell of burning rubber chickens and
> singed roller-skating chimps will teach a man to hate.
And don't forget all the toxic substances used by medieval metalsmiths
like me. I have a jar of "liver of sulfur" for blacking armor, and
lots of silver solder containing cadmium, and of course a big jug of
lye. If my apartment had burned, it would have caused an ecological
disaster which might have done dozens of dollars in damage.
Not to mention that all my chain mail would have melted down into
a shiny new carpet.
> > I don't have any details on what happened, but I just wanted to say
> > I'm okay and I did NOT die.
>
> If only Hallmark made an "I'm very glad you didn't burn to death" card, I
> would send one. There's all sorts of cards that they don't make (yet),
> like "Thanks for destroying the negatives, as you promised" and
> "Congratulations on getting a new Bejeweled high score" and "Sorry I made
> you feel guilty by sending lots of unreciprocated cards".
I know, I keep looking for "Sorry about the Stockholm Syndrome." and
"Sorry I used my telekinetic powers to keep my end of this deathtrap
building from catching fire my moving all the flames to your end of
the building with the power of my..." (and then they'd open it up
and a little computer chip would yell "LASERBRAIN!" and some tiny
LEDs would blink until the battery died, assuming it survived the mail.)
-- K.
Some of those tiny batteries are
really just silver dragees that
have been squished a little.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: People who like cheese way too much.
Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 22:57:06 -0500
From the Wisconsin Rapids Daily Tribune:
-> Any day's a good day for cheese
->
-> Cheese Day is one of those days that may not draw much attention aside
-> from the opportunity to send a funny e-card, but for many in Wisconsin
-> Rapids, any day is a good day for cheese.
And any day is a good day for someone to smack some sense into those
cheese-addled Wisconsonites who haven't yet realized that cheese is
a false good and also highly toxic to people and other human things.
-> "My favorite type of cheese is provolone, and it's best on French onion
-> soup," said Stephanie Jinksy, Wisconsin Rapids. "I like cheese on
-> sandwiches too."
And I like you QUIET, you LOSER!!!
-> For others, like Zach Vruwink, of Wisconsin Rapids, it's too hard to
-> choose just one.
Hey, Mr. Scrabble Word, you should find some better intellectual
stimulation. Make a more important decision, like whether or not
you should move to a better state that doesn't have cheese.
-> "I have two favorites. I like cheese curds and cheddar with bacon,"
-> Vruwink said. "I like it plain and I don't mind it on crackers either."
A RINGING ENDORSEMENT FOR A FOOD WHICH SOME GUY DOES NOT OBJECT TO
ON CRACKERS!
-> Cheese and crackers is as good a snack as any, said Maynard Paterick, of
-> Wisconsin Rapids. His wife, Hannah Paterick, is fond of Colby cheese on
-> rye cocktail bread.
Your kink is not OK! It is wrong to cheat on your husband with cheese!
-> "I like cheddar on wheat crackers," Paterick said. "It's nice because we
-> have a place right in our area we can get fresh cheese. We always go to
-> Rudolph (Dairy State Cheese) to buy our cheese."
There is no such thing as "fresh cheese", unless they mean milk.
Doesn't the act of making cheese involve stirring some mildew into milk
and then spitting into the vat to encourage eight different kinds of
deadly Cheez Mold Bacteria Virus Germs Of Ick to grow until the milk
goes rancid, dies, and turns into zombified cheese?
-> Still for others, cheese makes the perfect addition to any meal.
Not one which already contains too much cheese.
And I maintain that ALL meals already contain too much cheese.
Parve food contains too much cheese!
-> "I use it mostly for garnish on spaghetti, tacos and hamburgers," said
-> Anne Arndt, Biron. "I like cojack (fusion of Colby and Monterey Jack
-> cheese)."
NOBODY LOVES YA, BABY.
-- K.
I'd run for President on a
"No More Cheese!" platform,
except that I don't want to
be President because the
White House comes with a
fancy chef who puts cheese
in food.