Monday, June 22, 2009

Before we start this discussion, I just want to establish for the record that I am awesome.

I kill every boss before everyone else, and when I do, I get first pick of the loot because nobody is seriously going to try to say they deserve it more than me. You say 'hard mode'? I say 'not-hard-enough mode.' Why don't you learn to play?

I am on top of every meter, always. I have been sending weekly e-mails to Blizzard asking them to come out with new meters for me to do better than you on.

Check out my gear. You wish you had this gear. Your guy looks like a hobo. Like a hobo who smells like pee. You could not be any more pathetic. It's kind of like that you are caught in a rain shower, and you reach the point where you stop trying to stay out of the rain because you can't get any wetter. Except the rain is shame and humiliation.

On the other hand, my guy could be waving from the lead float in the pride parade. My stuff freaking sparkles.

Basically, I poop excellence, and I poop frequently.

Now that we've established that, I just want to say that I am outraged that the new emblem system will offer you a mechanism to crawl out of the pit of shame in which you dwell.

When I killed Malygos in January, I got an ilvl 226 necklace, and, when 3.2 goes live in late August or September, you will be able to get a necklace that is slightly worse from running Heroic Violet Hold. In what universe is that fair?

On top of this indignity, you will be able to get two pieces of tier 8, possibly during a period when I will still be using the same equipment. Why should you have that? You will probably gem it for strength. On your mage. Or just leave the socket empty for six months. I don't even think I want to play a game where you have two pieces of gear that are as good as mine.

How can Blizzard even think of providing raid quality gear for badges obtainable in heroics? Nothing like this has ever happened, except the time they nerfed Ragnaros, and the time they added a bunch of fire resist gear to the dark-iron rep to make it easier to kill Ragnaros, and the time they removed the despawn timer from Vaelestrasz, and the time they nerfed Broodlord Lashlayer, and the time they nerfed Chromaggus, and the time they removed the despawn timer from Nefarian, and the time they removed the attunement from Karazhan, and the time they removed the attunements for Serpentshrine and Tempest Keep, and the time they removed the attunements for Black Temple and Mount Hyjal, and the time they put the epic gems that only dropped in end-level raids and raid-quality weapons and armor on the badge vendors on Sunwell Island, and they time they massively nerfed every boss in BC a month before the expansion, and the time they implemented major nerfs to every single boss in Ulduar.

But this is the last straw.

Whose idea was it? Was it Nancy Pelosi's? Seriously, I want to know. If anyone inside Blizzard can talk some sense into the dev team and stop the changes to the Emblem system, I will buy them two tickets to the Glen Beck comedy tour as a thank-you present. Just putting that out there.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Okay, everybody, it's time to hit up Ulduar. We're going to be trying for Freya's hard mode tonight.

Not you, though, buddy. You've got a much more important task. Yep. You're needed on the Isle of Conquest.

That's right. While we're all raiding, you'll be going to an island somewhere off the shores of Northrend. A rock, hardly worth a second look.

No, wait. That's not what I meant.

It's a test of strength. A chance to prove your might, to crush your enemies, to make a difference, a chance for endless glory and conquest, while everyone else is in Ulduar.

You don't need the petty trappings of lesser players, like loot and achievements and iron proto-drakes. You're too great a player to be distracted by such foolish trifles. No. You keep your eye on the big picture, and the big picture is a picture of you, standing victorious atop whatever people stand atop on the Isle of Conquest, while the rest of us go to Ulduar.

Which strategic location will you capture for your advantage? Will it be the cobalt mine? The airship hangar? the oil derrick? The docks? We really don't care, because we're going to raid. But whatever you do out there, it will be written in legends that none of us will read.

Don't get me wrong. We'll miss you in Ulduar, especially the druids. Without you there, they won't know who to battle res. And the tanks have learned so much about their threat generation deficiencies from the way you rip aggro off of them with your epic spike damage immediately after the pull.

You're not just the kind of player who brings top-notch performance; you elevate the rest of us. And I mean that, dude. But we're going to soldier on without you, because whatever is going on out on Isle of Conquest is really, really important.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

This is a real achievement. People actually do this. Okay. I did it. But I sort of just ran by the book spawns when I was in town. I didn't camp them. Took me months. Whoever came up with this idea is an evil, evil person.

I am writing in regard to your recent completion of the "Higher Learning" achievement. Wow. I can't believe you actually did that. We just put that in there as a joke. We didn't think anybody would be dumb enough to actually do what you have done.

I am seriously laughing right now with my hot elf wife about what a total, unmitigated putz you are. We're going to still be laughing about it later, even as we are athletically getting busy, Hogger-style on a bearskin rug. Enjoy the image of me laughing at you while just going totally wild on a beautiful elf-chick.

I mean, partially, I will be laughing because my life is so great. But mostly, I'll be laughing at you. Have you ever touched a girl? Seriously? Did you get arrested for it?

Okay, you look confused. I know that you look confused, even though I am writing this hours before you are reading it, because I am super-awesome and can travel through time, so before I wrote this letter, I traveled to the future and watched how dumb you looked reading your mail, and now I am laughing about that too.

Here's what I did. I invented magic books that appear out of thin air in eight random places, and then created an achievement rewarding you for finding them. But then I made a bunch of other books that can appear and disappear in the same place, instead of the book people want to read for the achievement. So, basically, each book is on the shelf for an average of three minutes every twenty-four hours.

What is so funny is that I know you got the achievement by sitting there, staring at a bookshelf, for hours on end, waiting for a book to magically appear. And when it finally did, it wasn't the right one. That Conjuration book spawns right next to the place where I hang out, so I watched you spend your Saturday night last week staring at that bookshelf for three hours, and then a copy of "Khadgar's Journal" spawned.

But I am glad you've finally done it. So I am enclosing the epic saga, "The Schools of Arcane Magic: Mastery." It's about a holy man who takes an oath celibacy, and dedicates his life to staring at bookshelves. I consider it a satire. I was going to rig it to disappear in three minutes, which would have been kind of awesome, but I actually feel just a little bit sorry for you, so I am going to let you keep it. I hope you enjoy it.

Actually, I did put a little enchantment on it. It will teleport you to Archmage Vargoth's quarters in the spires of Dalaran. That's not a joke on you. It's a joke on him. He loves having really stupid guys appear out of nowhere in his bedroom. Tell him I said to conjure a little elemental that will follow you around pointing and laughing. You're probably dumb enough to think that's a reward, rather than a punishment.

Also, go ahead and spam the achievement in trade chat a few times. I already know you did it, because I was there, in the future. Look how impressed everyone is. This is why I invented the /golfclap.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

DOCTOR NEEDED: The free-spirited daughter of a prominent family has gotten herself into a disturbing and unfortunate situation. We are seeking a physician who can fix this problem. Discretion in this matter is greatly appreciated. Please inquire at the Ironforge throne room.

HELP WANTED: I fell in love with him because he's very tall and good with animals, but lately I retch at just the thought of those ginger... well, long story short, I need the services of a skilled assassin, or, at least, a good divorce lawyer. Leave a message for V. Windrunner at the Ledgerdemain Lounge, and I will be in touch.

ENGINEER/CONTRACTOR NEEDED: Looking for someone who can assess the feasibility of removing four large and extremely inconvenient pillars from my room. They've really been a nuisance for me. Send all inquiries to Talon King Ikiss at Sethekk Halls.

LOOKING FOR COMPANIONSHIP: I am not what some people would consider conventionally attractive, but I have a big heart and a lovely sense of humor, and I am also princess of my own underground kingdom. Appearance does not matter; I am so very lonely. Please visit me at Mauradon.

Achingly, Theradras

SINGLE BLACK DRAGON, LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE: I am Nefarian, scion of the Black Dragonflight. But you can just call me Vic. I'm suave, sexy, and I have a fabulous penthouse apartment at Blackrock Mountain with a spectacular terrace.

In the past, I've been a bit of a cad. Women meant nothing to me. Less than nothing. But lately, I've realized that the grand game of life I thought I was playing was, in fact, playing me. So I'm looking for something a little more serious. I'd like to meet an intelligent and attractive lady who shares my interest in breeding an invincible race of chromatic dragons. Also, I hope you like dogs, because I've got a big one.

If you think you're right for me, let's get together and make that beautiful mistake that all mortals make. Let the games begin!

LOSE WEIGHT! HAVE MORE ENERGY! RESTORE YOUR SEXUAL VITALITY! Night Elf healers have long known about the miraculous properties of Morrowgrain. However, this rare herb, which only grows in the rich volcanic soil of the Un'Goro Crater, has always been too scarce for anyone to distribute widely across Azeroth.

Recently, however, the Arch-Druid Fandral Staghelm has developed a new plan for obtaining Morrowgrain in unprecedented volumes, and we can now make this miracle drug available to you at a very reasonable price. Jenal in Darnassus has the hook-up. You can usually find him hanging out in an alley in the Cenarion Enclave.

Majordomo Executus: "Well, as you may know, our firm, like any other business, is facing difficulties during these tumultuous and unprecedented economic circumstances. Compounding these general difficulties is the perception that our operation here has been superseded by so-called higher tiers of content. Accordingly, we are conducting a top-to-bottom review of our finances to assess any redundancies which may exist, so that we can continue to compete in this difficult marketplace and provide the Firelord with the same peerless service he's come to expect."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "Uh, I'm completely on board with your quality service initiatives, and you'll see I've been working enthusiastically for the company for more than five years."

Golemagg: "Uh huh. And how many raids have you wiped in the last six months?"

Scarshield Spellbinder: "I am not sure I could tell you, off the top of my head."

Majordomo Executus: "We are aware of this, but cuts have to come from somewhere. We're really sorry this had to happen, but it is, unfortunately, quite necessary. We do thank you for your years of service."

Scarshield Spellbinder: "So what happens now."

Golemagg: "Your employment is terminated, as of five o-clock today. We are offering a severence package for our former employees that I think you'll find quite fair. We are committed to taking care of you."

Yogg-Saron: Okay, so this whole plan is going pretty well. I've gunked up a tree in Grizzly Hills, I've enslaved the Keepers of Ulduar, and I've set up an impassable ravine between my inner sanctum and the outside world, so nobody can get in to stop me.

Kologarn: AND I WILL STAND IN IT.

Yogg-Saron: Seriously not necessary, K-Garn. I've got that whole thing under control. Check out the map. It says that's "The Shattered Walkway." It used to just be "The Walkway." Until I shattered it. No walkway, no progress. Pure effin' genius.

Kologarn: AND THAT IS WHERE I WILL SQUEEZE THE LIFE OUT OF THEM.

Yogg-Saron: No, dude. You don't need to go there at all. You can pretty much just take the week off. Maybe meet some ladies. I can't even remember the last time you hooked up.

Kologarn: NONE SHALL PASS.

Yogg-Saron: Well, that's the point of a huge ravine. So I don't really need your help.

Kologarn: I CAN CRUSH AN ARMORED TAUREN IN MY POWERFUL STONE GRIP.

Yogg-Saron: Yeah, but the tauren can't get over the ravine anyway. And it will be extra funny, because they could totally get over the ravine if they could use their flying mounts, but flying mounts are disabled in Ulduar. That will make them crazy. See, that's what I do.

Kologarn: WITH MY OVERHEAD SMASH, I CAN MAKE THE EARTH SHAKE. MY FOCUSED EYEBEAMS TURN MY VERY RAGE INTO LAZERS.

Yogg-Saron: Okay, I guess if you really want a crack at them. But it's fine with me if you just want to knock off. What's your hard mode?

Kologarn: HARD MODE?

Yogg-Saron: Can you, like, buff yourself to do double damage, or have twice as much health or something?

Kologarn: I AM VERY LARGE.

Yogg-Saron: Fair enough. Go hang out there. I guess, even if they beat you, I've still got my bases covered with the whole shattering-the-walkway plan.

Good morning, Understudies. I am Instructor Razuvious, and, for the rest of the semester, I am your master.

You are delivered to me, soft as newly hatched doves. I will turn you into stone. Under my tutelage, you will become unflinching enforcers of the will of the Lich King.

My strength and ferocity are famous throughout Azeroth and Northrend. Even the most robust of foes are cleaved in twain by my mighty blade. None can withstand my attacks! My enemies are cut down like wheat.

Over the next few months, you, my select few Understudies, will be trained to endure the withering sting of my blade. You, and you alone will be strong enough to hold your ground against the unstoppable onslaught of Razuvious.

I shall... Yes, do I see a hand in the back? Do you have a question?

Hmm... No. I can't imagine any possible situation in which training my understudies to stand up to my mighty attacks could possibly lead to ironic or detrimental consequences for me. I mean, how would that ever happen?

What? Well, I don't think any of my Understudies would ever be so disloyal and foolhardy as to turn against me, but if one ever did, I would dispatch him according to the "Standard Rules of Raid Boss Engagement." I would focus unwaveringly on stomping that backstabbing worm under the heel of my boot, while ignoring any other foes who may be in the general vicinity.

Unless, of course, there was another traitor nearby, with the impunity to taunt me while I was giving his friend a lesson in manners. Then I would turn my attentions forthwith to the interloper.

Oh, you think that's a bad strategy, do you? Well, Smart Guy, what would you do? Oh, you think I should go after the guy in the dress? Well, if that's such a good idea, how come nobody ever thought of it before? You don't have an answer to that, do you? Well, that's why you are the mere Understudy and I am Instructor Razuvious!

Now, if nobody else has any more questions, we can begin our lessons. The training area is right over there. Next to the mind-control orbs.

Here's one I wrote in November related to a daily quest in Dragonblight that players do to earn rep with the Kalu'ak faction. Thanks to Spoggerific for copying the text onto Wowhead. The World of Warcraft forums lost the thread, which was located here, and contained a funny parody of Lewis Carroll's poem "The Walrus and the Carpente," and some animated speculation about just what the Kalu'ak are actually doing with the little Wolvar.

If anyone has the full thread, please send me a link.

Here is the text:

Elder Walrus: "Hi. I'm a walrus. We're the good guys. I promise."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "There are some guys we don't like. Their village is up on that hill."

Player: "Okay."

Walrus: "So I've got this sack right here."

Player: "I see."

Walrus: "What you are going to do is take this sack over to their village and fill it with their babies. As many babies as you can steal, just go ahead and stuff them in this sack."

Player: "Uh, what?"

Walrus: "Sack full of babies. Bring me a sack full of babies. Like, a dozen."

Player: "Are you sure you don't want me to just bring back their poop?"

Walrus: "By the way, the guys we don't like are dog guys, so the babies you're stuffing in a sack are also puppies."

Player: "Seriously?"

Walrus: "Yeah. Don't worry. We're totally not going to eat the babies. But if you want to come back tomorrow and swipe us another sackful, that would be awesome."

Several of my posts and threads have been lost; the official Warcraft forum moves very fast and Blizzards website seems to archive some threads, but not all.

For those who are wondering, I consider my Warcraft posts parodies or jokes rather than RP or Fanfic. I am not planning to write longer-form stories related to WoW, and my longer form project is unrelated to games and is progressing slowly, since I work a demanding job and I have an inconvenient gaming habit.