i didn't sleep very well at all. i turned the computer off at 330. and i woke up at 8.

i fell asleep with my heart racing. i woke up with my heart racing.

one of my two days to sleep in, and i did more harm than good. it's pretty upsetting.

what sucks the most about getting that news late last night is that i actually had an amazing night before that. and after it, when i was pretending i didn't know. yesterday, before 5 pm was a pretty shitty day.

i slept in until 915, which happens on occasion on fridays, but things went seriously awry when i decided to shave and took an hour and a half in total to get ready. i left much later than i normally do.

problems started then. i was mad at myself. i had a coffee headache, because the forty hour week i worked before yesterday started early every day. when i don't drink coffee early enough, i wake up with a migraine. usually they are reserved for saturdays, but not yesterday.

i had forgotten the pound of coffee i'd paid for at work, so i didn't make any at home. and i didn't find a parking spot at a meter near work until 1130. forty five whole minutes circling blocks and looking for one space. it was awful.

by the time i walked to work it was about 1145. that's usually the time i am driving to the office. i slammed two 20 oz coffees in the 45 minutes i was there. but my headache didn't go away, and my motrin was in the car.

the girls and i made our plans for today, and i left to pee on my way to my car, knowing that two coffees would kill my bladder before i could get to my next stop.

i had intended to shop after i went to the office, because i was running so late. i raced to the car three minutes before my meter ticket expired. oh, i forgot the part where all the ticket kiosks on my side of the street were powered off, so once i parked, i walked my side of the street to find all were off, before crossing the street and making my way back. it was unreal. just to pay to park really far from work.

i got stuck on the bridge again. not once, but twice. there was an accident at the top of the bridge, and lane closures at the bottom. and by that time, which would normally have been five minutes into my drive, it was thirty and i had to pee so bad i thought i would cry.

then fifteen minutes later i was at the delaware state line, trying to talk myself down from a panic attack over needing a bathroom. i was stuck in a fifteen minute traffic jam at that point, less than a minute away from a toilet.

by the time i made it off the exit, i had to go so badly that i couldn't make it to the office, because it was going to be another ten minutes from there.

so i went to the liquor store. and peed. and i guess that i had to pee so badly that i couldn't pee - it's never happened to me before. i literally sat there for three minutes, feeling an insane urgency, and barely being able to go. i was convinced that, had i been in more pain, surely i was passing a kidney stone.

it was horrible.

while i was shopping, maybe ten minutes later, i already had to go again, so i did. then went to the cigarette store, then to the bank, then to the office. i got there at 230 instead of 1230. it was not good. despite all the coffee, i still had the coffee headache, i finally took some motrin and drank some water.

i hadn't eaten all day, and when i was in the car stuck in the third traffic jam, i was shaky and really feeling unwell, but also not hungry.

i did everything at the office super quickly, and was out of there in about an hour. i ate some jelly beans and m&m's. i really wanted mc donald's yesterday (i know, i know... just a hamburger happy meal for some strange reason), but i didn't pass one. i planned to get a kids meal when i went to walmart (i know, i know... i was honing my white trash skills yesterday), but they had a subway. unacceptable. i wanted fried junk food.

i was in and out relatively quickly. and i was grateful for that trip because i had been listening to that dog. in the car, and had the genius idea to put their pandora channel on. fucking amazing.

so i felt better after i left. then raced home to put the groceries away, and left to meet lauren out for drinks.

it was great, again. but drinking on an empty stomach plus maybe 8 jelly beans and 20 m&m's was not the smartest idea. it took one beer for my food to come out.

and i was very tipsy. had another beer, cleaned my plate, and smoked. had another half beer because i wasn't ready to say goodbye to lauren yet. then walked her to the bus, and went to kit's to ride to the house with her.

kit's had a rough couple of weeks, and my solution was to have a staycation. she moved into the guest room for the whole weekend. it was awesome.

so that night, i cleaned a little, vacuumed the first floor, went through ever's stuff and turned it from a whole room pile into a one box and two chair sized pile. it meant that i had to go through stuff and throw things away that i didn't think were important.

still no word from him.

the house looked so much better, just from the few hours of work. and while that was happening was when the ever using talk came up. i guess kit and i talked about it from midnight until about 230, and then i went to sleep. now i've gone full circle with that part of my weekend.

a slow processing is occurring somewhere deep in my brain right now. after trying not to think about it for an hour, after only thinking about it for about four, i'm back to thinking about it. and it's 230 in the morning. and i hope i can sleep soon.

the shock of the news has completely stolen all the details leading up to finding out. so it will seem random and disjointed.

i am nearly certain that ever is using again. as in, heroin.

mike confided in me tonight, somewhat reluctantly, that something bigger was going on with ever. first he confirmed my suspicion that he was drinking again. for a while.

i honestly do not know what i am supposed to do with this information.

i don't know what i should be expected to do.

i don't know how to feel in light of knowing this information.

the facts, as they were told to me tonight, are these:

ever didn't eat.

ever holed himself up in his room for days at a time. mike would call him and text him to check on him, and he would not respond.

ever would nod off mid-conversation. this happened more than once.

ever would talk so slurry that his words were indistinguishable.

ever would lock himself in the bathroom, at least once for six hours at a time, for hours at a time.

ever left a little baggie laying around, the top of which had been cut off with a razor. which is very different from the little bags of weed littering the house when i was still around.

mike figured out that it was heroin, because he came home from work one day, when ever was locked in the bathroom, and smelled burning band-aids. so he googled it.

and more than one result popped up, stating that, when someone is smoking heroin, it smells like burning band-aids. i don't know if the same is true for cooking it to shoot it. but in this case? he assumed he was smoking it.

i cannot fathom him shooting up. it is only a slight relief that he is smoking it instead. because it is so wasteful a way to use, and slightly less dangerous.

i don't know when this was going on, for how long, or how often. i don't know if it is still going on.

when he said it, my stomach dropped. i felt like i was going to throw up. all the blood rushed from my head, and i felt my face go white. i leaned back onto the kitchen counter, and told myself not to pass out. because i felt like that was where i was headed.

then i started doing what i went down there to do, which was to clean up. only i was putting things in weird places, and pacing around, and not actually doing anything at all. because i was just in a state of shock over the whole thing.

i think that what i have decided to do goes something like this:

talk to jay's girlfriend.

on sunday?

stop by for a quick visit. tell her that i found a baggie in the house while i was cleaning. ask if jay has ever said anything to her about this being a possibility.

telling her that it, of course, could be someone else's. but that, paired with his history and paired with his appearance, it is too easy to conclude that it was ever's.

and hope she can shed some light on it.

i really want to talk to jay about it, because of everyone, he is closest to ever. but i don't have his number, and he's not in town, so his girlfriend will have to do.

i'm afraid to wait too long to deal with it. i'm afraid, after talking to kit about it, that jay is carrying some kind of a burden around, being afraid to say or do anything about it to anyone else. and that he might be somehow relieved if i bring it up.

mostly, i am just completely shocked.

because i knew it. part of me wants to search right now for the posts where i wrote about it, and remind myself of the many times when i thought it based on interaction with him.

but sometimes you don't want to say 'i told you so'.

sometimes you don't want to say 'i was right'.

the good thing is... this all makes me feel much less crazy.

and what's more? every single thing makes sense. seeing him in court and knowing he was fucked up. seeing him at mediation and knowing he was fucked up. seeing him skinnier than me, and knowing that he wasn't eating, because he didn't have money for food. knowing that something was not right. noticing his eyes. noticing his hollow face in that fourth of july pic that his roommate posted. not paying the bills, not paying the mortgage. having stupid accidents and ending up in the hospital repeatedly. the house looking like a fucking crack den. living in messes and leaving messes behind. seeming to have lost his mind. and why he wouldn't go home when his grandmother died.

amanda would have known. his mother would have known. they have seen ever the junkie too many times not to recognize it. and even though i never saw that version of him, he taught me to look for it in other people. and i suspected that i saw it in him. logic just convinced me otherwise.

because ever said on more than one occasion that he would sooner kill himself than use heroin again. because the end result would be the same.

and i believed him, because he proved himself to be right for over twelve years. i thought those words were forever.

and i didn't believe it, i convinced myself it wasn't possible, when i started to think that it was possible.

but maybe i just didn't want to know. because that would mean, that like tonight, i feel that it is my responsibility, knowing this, to do something about it.

not hearing from him for the last three weeks is freaking me out.

i can't unconvince myself that he is dead in his new place, wherever that is, alone and overdosed. with the puppy having no one there to care for her.

which is my motivation for trying to get info out of jay, even if it is inadvertently. or if nothing else, getting his number and asking him to talk for even just a minute. out of genuine concern.

the only way i come out of it looking bad, is if somehow mike is completely wrong, and ever isn't using again. then i just look like a pathetic bitch rumor mill.

but it is honestly coming from a place of concern.

i do not want him to die. because i already have dealt with so much guilt. and i do not know how i would handle that guilt.

that is the thing about heroin... it's not a way to live, it's the way you die.

i don't even know what will happen if jay's girl acknowledges it. i don't know what the next step would be. i don't know how to find out where he lives. i don't know that i should do anything at all.

and all the while, circling in my brain, are nina's words:

'tea. if he dies or starts using again, you cannot CANNOT blame yourself.'

as kit put it, 'your leaving is probably what drove him to this point, but his coping mechanisms are what is making this his choice.'

and as i put it, 'millions of people get divorced. only a handful use heroin as an escape from dealing with it.'

i know it's not my fault. i know it's not my place to do or say anything. i'm actually pretty fucking afraid to make waves. because it is quite literally none of my business.

i just can't get over it. i can't believe it. i don't know who he met or spent time with that would have supplied the access to heroin. he was always so careful.

all i can figure (when paired with mike's girl's slip up about 'that broad had to have known, right?') is that he met a girl. who just happened to be a junkie.

i don't know. judgment is the first thing to go when you're drinking. and ever drinking is just all kinds of bad. this is the path i feared for him when i was still married to him. i saw it coming from a thousand miles away. first, with the drinking. second, with the secret weed smoking. after taking opiates for knee surgery recovery. all of those hiding/addict behaviors.

i feel completely changed. i have been so caught off guard. i don't know how i'm going to feel tomorrow. i'm not even fucking tired right now. i just don't know. and i know it does no good to worry about it. but how can you not?

i never had to experience this with him while we were together. how insane that i'm dealing with the knowledge now. i just can't believe it.

instinctively, i wanted to pick up the phone and talk to mom about it. but lovely tea never mentioned this to the parents, despite the divorce. because i didn't know if we would be friends later, so i didn't think i should air it.

and i probably shouldn't still.

but being limited in who i can talk to sucks.

and being limited to having no one with recovering heroin addicts in their life is a good thing. but right now it is making me feel completely helpless and alone in knowing what to do, if anything, and how to proceed.

i didn't want to ask too many questions, because i could tell that he really didn't want to tell me about it, and that he was very worried that i was going to tell ever that he is the one who told me. plus i couldn't think straight to ask the right questions.

i don't know when this was. for how long it was going on. i don't know if it was in the summer, like i initially thought, or if it was right before he moved out.

i just don't know anything. all i have are hunches, based on some pretty serious information from someone who lived with him for almost a year. who absolutely saw changes in him.

i just hope jay knows what i am talking about. i think he is the best way to be able to do something. whatever the fuck that even is...

and i don't know why it was delayed by a whole week (after moving in), but this week has been playing tricks on me.

the first thing was that both yesterday when i came home from the grocery store, and the day before when i rode my bike home from work, i expected puppy daughter to bark.

i can't even call her 'my' anymore. just like the house isn't 'ours' anymore.

she is really smart, and quickly associated sounds with my arriving home from work. in the spring, she knew the sound of my bike. i don't know how - it sounds like every other schwinn cruiser made the year mine was. and she knew the sound of my particular car alarm, even though it sounds like every other nissan horn.

but something else combined. and would set her off. if i chirped the car, she'd start barking. as i rode up the street to the house, she'd start barking.

and this week, twice, i thought 'what the fuck?!' to myself as i came home and there was no bark, because i expected her to bark.

there was at least one day when i expected ever to be here when i got here.

which is just ludicrous.

not in that he-snuck-in way. in an of-course-he's-here way.

i'd like to say that him not being here is not at all disappointing. it's just that the house is fucking with me. or my head is. the puppy not being here is a little disappointing. but honestly, for the best.

i still have not heard from him after emailing and texting.

maybe he is in florida. maybe he is in the hospital. maybe he is dead.

who knows?

it's thundering. thundering! so unusual. we had two thundersnow storms this winter. i guess i haven't heard thunder before that since last fall or summer? it's not very usual here. we get a ton of rain. but it's quiet rain.

it was so warm on friday. 70s. then cold again. and yesterday it was cold in the morning, then rained, then was warmer. mid 50s. today 40s again. and thunder.

just strange.

this is a welcome shift though. fewer days that stay in the 30s and 40s. more days of 50s. spring is almost here.

eight years ago, plus nine days, i moved to phila. and it snowed. i wouldn't be surprised if we get another wimpy snow storm before it's actually spring-like, but i hope that it starts to warm up soon.

this winter has been miserable. and because i feel like i have taken just about all i can handle, and because i feel like i'm about to come unhinged, i'm ready for the warmer weather.

everyone resurfaces. everyone comes out of hiding. everyone hops on their bicycles and rides everywhere. everyone smiles. everyone does something small for someone else, because they feel better, finally.

it's like a huge cloud is lifted when winter is over. and it's excitingly close to the first day of spring. maybe this year i'll get free rita's water ice. i missed it every other year.

even if it takes a little while for the weather to figure out what the hell it's doing, just knowing that it is spring, technically, releases some kind of mental tension that builds quickly during the late fall into winter.

what's funny is that, without reading back, i feel like i did okay for so long. i feel like i was fine in october. even though that tim incident happened the day before halloween. and i was okay in november, though stress was definitely starting to mount with ever and the house. and december home was perfectly timed. i think otherwise i might have not fared so well. but around the trip, december was horrible. and january was the worst. and february was somehow harder than january.

but i got the divorce behind me, so i guess that means that this winter was great. it just didn't feel like it.

march has been a mixed bag. it's been a complete shift in priorities. a complete shift in responsibilities. i have been working my ass off around the house, instead of laying in bed in the apartment. i have been drinking slightly less. nothing to brag about, really. but instead of a two drink minimum every night, three on a few, i've managed to drop it down to one drink some nights, and two drinks some nights. and i have been running around so much that i almost forget to have one drink with late dinner.

i might be getting close to having a couple nights a week where i don't have a drink at all. i'll have to see.

and in the same vein, but a different way, i'd like to vent about dating site a little.

is it impossible to get a date when you're a smoker? what the fuck?

just because i smoke, that doesn't mean i'm going to smoke on you or with you.

if you're a non-smoker and i want to kiss you, don't you think that would be enough motivation to not smoke while i'm with you?

i mean, i get it. there are people who smoke right before they come in for coffee, and they stink. and it's gross. and i have to wonder if i smell like that to a non-smoker, but i tend to believe it's a cheap cigarettes thing. and mine are anything but. and i also wash my hands, which helps. and i wear perfume.

i combat it on a few fronts. but i guess it just doesn't matter.

i have now winked and flirted with fifteen boys. and not a single one has gotten back to me.

well, not in a productive way.

crow boy didn't respond after the first time. astronaut boy didn't respond after the first time, and he's a smoker!

alot boy didn't reopen his account, so i guess my one potential date is history.

i liked the idea of flirting with boys online. i thought, 'what guy wouldn't love to be hit on?'

but apparently, a lot of them wouldn't. i guess i didn't change my views while everyone else was changing theirs. so while i was sitting around thinking that boys hit on girls, not the other way around, the playing field was being leveled, and everyone hits on everyone. so, while i thought it was a big deal to have overcome my inability to hit on dudes, everyone else has spent the last ten years hitting on everyone.

where and when i did my growing up, it just wasn't that way. and this is what i was warned about. this is what i was afraid of. it's just playing out now. and it blows. i'm struggling to find the balls everyone else was apparently born with and using for the last ten years.

i don't want to work at suck store tomorrow. i don't want to wake up stupid early.

but as long as i stay here and collect this check, this is my job. and i'll keep doing it.

i know it's only been three months, but i feel ready and overdue for a vacation.

like, get the fuck out of town and run away for days vacation.

there is so much i need to be doing, too. and i am not doing any of it. i should start looking for another job. just to see.

last time i was at favorite bar, steve said, 'some nights i leave with $50, some nights i leave with $200.'

i mean, i need to crunch some numbers, but i think i'd be okay to make the switch. hard work, yes. late nights, yes.

but i wouldn't starve. i'd lose my benefits, which is really really stupid. but i feel myself letting go here. because i think i knew i could make it through the big push of this winter if i could just get to summer. and now it's spring, and i'm staying here, and i just don't want to do this anymore. not the bitch work of it. and if i can find a way to work twenty hours a week, and then have another job? that might just be my ticket.

working with pam and kim is so much fun.

but i just think that the rest is lame. some days it feels like easy money. and most of the time it feels like i do a shitty job for what i get paid. and some days it feels like i get paid shittily for the job that i do.

this has turned into a very random bitchfest.

how about work fun stuff, for a change?

i've been having the most fun with the girls that i've had since i started working with them the past few days. i feel like every day this past week has been the quality/hilarity of the original butt sandwich/garbage sandwich days.

it's been mostly completely juvenile humor. centering around farts. because we sell so many things that smell like farts, it's uncanny.

if someone puts guldens on their pretzel? farts. opens a bag of popcorn? farts. turkey for sandwiches? farts. it's not okay. a few times a day, we look around, sniffing the air. and then smile, 'oh... it's just the turkey.'

but two weeks ago, i introduced a new item. hardboiled eggs. we used to get them in cute neat little packages, shells on, in twin packs. and they don't have them anymore. so instead of getting a retardedly huge bucket of them, and gloving up to go fishing for them, i bought them in little sealed pouches, of dozens.

but holy fuck... if cutting the pouch open doesn't smell like the most putrid sewer dump you've ever taken in your whole life! it is raunchy. rank. sickening. just BAD.

and when i volunteered to be the poor soul to open them and disperse them into little dishes of one and two eggs for our customers, dear god. i didn't know yet. and i prepared mentally, and went into the back room fearfully, with my sharpest scissors. clean, quick cut. dump cup lid. but when i had to breathe, all i could do was laugh. and i couldn't stop laughing. because it was just so WRONG.

and kim heard me laughing in the back room, and said, 'oh, NO...' which made me laugh so hard that i literally thought for a minute that i might pee my pants.

and then, the other night, i was on this kick with nina, where we were watching funny videos on youtube. after i looked at over a hundred pages of nowaygirl.com. no way girl. you need to see it. but don't say that i haven't warned you - it will suck your life away.

not every single thing is good. but the good ones make the rest worth getting through. some of the shit you just can't make up.

in an effort to get nina off of that site, and switch her gears with a diversion, i started sending her video links. and when i played this one, i started to get a headache, from laughing so hard that i cried and couldn't breathe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg

at the same time, she said 'we should look for retarded animals', i sent her this link. it was crazy timing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyMXYE_50Ts

then she sent me this link, right after i'd watched it and sent her the second one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqjNzFPnPew

and:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS9Bvw0L7VE

she went to bed, and i got on a tangent, watching public farting youtube videos. my favorite being this guy, who sells something called the pooter. you put it in your pocket for pranks:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQTwyqLfIaY

it's interesting to be depressed, sad, bummed out. and then to cry laughing so hard. it's like a momentary lapse in judgment/mood. but then the laughing dies down. and you're right back to where you started. but that night? it was super fun to know that at the exact same time, nina and i had laughing fits simultaneously. it was awesome. hopefully you loved it, too.

it seems that nothing will ever be as funny to me as farting. seriously? i could watch this all night. and never stop laughing. i've struck GOLD.

kim reminded me that there are fart noise apps for iphone. so i got a free one. it's pretty funny. not realistic sounding. but the idea of it is awesome.

let's switch back to ladylike grownup things, like such as fucking boys, shall we?

today was more fun because robbie came by again. and it wasn't that his visit was so amazing, but it was what happened before and after.

kim and pam have been razzing me incessantly about dating him/fucking him/kissing him/cuddling with him. whatever.

it's been getting carried away, and blown out of proportion.

i won't lie. i'll be perfectly honest... ready?

i love robbie. i will probably live the rest of my young-ish life wishing that i could drop everything and that he would drop everything, and that we would find a streamline trailer and travel the country together.

but it's a funny daydream.

i think he is one of the sweetest, hottest dudes around. but the thing is, i literally cannot imagine myself sleeping with him. in the carnal way. my daydreams are innocent enough... just cuddling up for a nap. at their raciest, they involve kissing him. he's the type of guy best friend that you listen to, with your head on his chest. fall asleep to the sound of his voice, telling a sweet story about something you never knew about him.

but the girls have been insinuating that what i should do is bring him into the back room and have my way with him. and while it's fun to laugh and joke about, it's quite literally the furthest thing from my mind.

intern on the other hand? oh i wanted to push him into any enclosed space and do it. but robbie is just not like that.

and while it's easy to think 'i'm lonely and alone, he's lonely and alone, we should make out', he's not fuck buddy material. and i have never crossed that line with him to this point because i cannot risk the friendship. and in a way i feel like i need to spend time with him with someone else there, so they can see what it's like, and how we work together. because right now, everyone just thinks i'm crazy for not pouncing on him.

i just don't get that feeling from him. and i try to squash my feelings that verge on inappropriate, because i don't want anything to change.

if i was looking for mr right? fuck it. i'd do something. anything.

i had a nice fifteen minute talk with him the other morning. and i did something i never do. i really studied his face. he smelled so so good. maybe that is why i started to focus on him more than usual. his nose is perfect. smaller than i would have pictured in my mind. i knew that he had freckles already, but saw those, too. and he smiled, and little crow's feet appeared. for a 45 year old dude, he is seriously good looking. he has more gray in his hair now, i think his job is aging him a little. this coming from the girl who is constantly frowning and creating worry lines. and i looked at his teeth for the first time, too. he has good teeth.

maybe it was the way we were standing. i had a 3/4 view of his face, so i was catching a lot in profile. pam started making big eyed giggly faces at me and making me laugh, so i told him i'd better get back to work. the second hug was a lingering one. i felt his belly, which doesn't ever happen.

yeah, it would be nice to fall asleep on him. or something else if i was ready for a boyfriend.

but i'm not. and i know he is boyfriend material. i just can't now. not because he's not cut out for it.

but he will not surface. it's making me crazy. i'm such a good former stalker. i should have a clue where he hides out, and i just don't. if i did, i'd walk a different way every day, with my eyes peeled, like i used to when i was in college.

i'm not afraid to cross a line with him. i'll be over the top. i don't give a fuck. because like i said before, if he rejects me, i see him once a month at worst? whatever. i don't know him at all. and i cannot really imagine him saying no to an offer of going out for drinks.

and when the girls joke about pushing me into the back room with him, i can join in on those jokes. because it makes more sense.

and intern... oh why does he torture me so? he popped up in my matches on dating site. i guess he just joined, i don't know.

he's my 85% match. of course. and when i showed nina his profile, we were cracking up about the same parts. i knew his would be good, and sure as shit, it was. he said something about his sweet chiseled ass being the first thing people notice about him. and his typical friday night answer was *fart sound*. this following about one full week running now of talking and joking about farting at work, pretty much every day. laughing to tears. and then coming home and watching fart prank videos for a few days before reading his profile. and feeling like i am regressing. like i'm 19 again or 12 again or something, maturity-wise.

finding him on there accidentally made me swoon even more than i already was this past week, with the dreams and thoughts and all. it was funny because i couldn't really recognize him from his picture. i thought it was him, paired with his username, i was sure of it. and when i looked anonymously? totally him.

finding him there also made me realize that he would just be too easy to fall for. and that, for that reason, i should not fuck him either. so help me, though... if the opportunity ever presents itself? i'm fucking him. i do not care. i will force myself to get over him after.

he is one that would be worth it, just to know what it's like. if it is in real life the way it is in my head. i'm finding out if i'm ever given the chance.

sex and farting. that's what i amount to today. the day when, if i'd stayed for more, i'd be out to dinner celebrating my eighth anniversary. quite the contrast, if i do say so myself.

pining for boys much younger than i am, who would never in a million years have me. i will be okay.

and yes. i am aware that i said 'fuck' thirteen times in this post. shit. fourteen.

actually, not the entire day. because i met the girls at the salon and got my eyebrows done. the lady remembered me from my one trip three weeks back. i love being a big tipper.

then i took them to lunch at indian buffet. it was awesome.

but i came home, laid around a while to recover from buffet belly, and suited up for the basement.

commence hatred.

i swept up huge piles of sawdust that he left behind. i piled up all the junk that he had collected from the trash. basically, i said it before and i can't let go of it: i'm paying $700 to clean up after him.

it felt great to clear everything and separate out what i'm saving. to make huge empty spaces. to sweep the entire floor, which wasn't even visible before. i ran into three live spiders and a hundred million dead ones. i swept the ceilings.

like a year ago, the dryer vent disconnected from the back of the dryer. major fire hazard, combined with the sawdust and wood piles. i cleaned a year's worth of lint from behind and alongside the dryer.

i'm safer now. and that feels good. contractor wanted to start working tomorrow, but i can't be home from work to do it, so i'm in the process of setting that up. once that happens, i'll feel a million times better.

i'm making ramen and eating leftover nachos, because it's what i've got that is easy. someday i'll feel like cooking again. i've been too tired and drained to do it.

i watched the social network last night. i really liked it. i think it's funny that i hated facebook for a long time, and how i can't imagine my life without it. i hated myspace, too. but i didn't like how public everything was on fb when i first started using it to talk to kenna and nina and wendy.

the movie made me want to write mark zuckerberg a letter.

really.

thanking him. for the friends i have reconnected with because of it. the reunions i've had because of it. how nice it is to know what my friends are up to, that i don't speak to as often as i should. never forgetting someone's birthday.

it's the best. and i'm glad he's a billionaire because of it. it's a genius ideathat should be commended. and learning the history was interesting to me.

i mindlessly rated boys while i watched it, and started planning out what to say to the astronaut boy.

i wrote him back today. i was a long letter, but i think it was well done. and i wasn't so brazen to ask him out. but i made it super easy for him to ask me.

i need to compile a list of boys to wink at now. the well has been dry, and maybe if i can just stir something up...

i don't know.

i'm antsy for a date. and i'm pretty fucking sad and angry that alot boy didn't reopen his account.

and something happened, too. that one five star boy who won't date smokers from a long time ago. he opened a new account and popped up as a new user. i wonder if this is a tactic that people employ. if one crazy comes along, and you have to jump ship to get them off your trail. i don't know that it would help with that at all. but i also bet he's not the only one to do it.

i almost cried again today. i think out of frustration with everything. but i had a very lonely weekend, and except for lunch today and happy hour with lauren on friday night, i was alone the whole time. something about not having a boy to make out with really bothered me.

and it's hormonal, i'm sure. because the dot is looming in the very near future.

i felt last night like i hadn't done nearly enough around the house this weekend, in an effort to not go back exhausted. and i bet i did it again. because i worked tonight, instead of this morning, i'm tired now, and my back is killing me. i'm showered, and i'm awake. i will need to put myself to bed very soon, or this week will get ruined like last week, in a heap of exhaustion.

it doesn't feel good to be so angry so much. i texted ever today. and of course i did not hear back. fuck him. i'll toss almost everything that isn't one of a kind/keepsake stuff.

harboring residual anger, and being angry while i work on the house, which has been an average of 10 to 20 hours a week, is not healthy.

i was telling the shrink, and hopefully i didn't already post about it, that i thought i'd be so sad here. and i'm not. but what i am is angry.

i started scooping up piles of sawdust after i got tired of accidentally walking through them and getting sawdust in my socks and shoes, and i thought, 'this is the thanks i get'.

it's like beating a dead horse to talk about how ungrateful, unappreciative, and generally defiant he is and was. it just kills me that he had a whole year here. where i let him stay because i didn't want to uproot him. but i just can't let go of it and i can't shake it.

and concentrating on it, despite listening to music that is happy and reminiscent of other times, was a recipe for me to feel worse than i spent most of my weekend feeling.

the boy didn't write me back about being my server. so i guess it wasn't him after all. either that, or he just thinks i'm stupid. or ugly. does it really matter? nope.

goddammit. if i don't get laid soon, or even just KISSED, i'm going to die. seriously, i can't take much more of this. the boys who live here have more sex than i do. and i'm essentially a whore in waiting. because if he's hot, i don't care how dumb he is. i'll have hot sex with him. i'm just not broadcasting that to the world. if only these guys had a clue. they'd all be hitting me up if they were desperate enough.

for once, please... just one cute boy to wink at me. or message me. PLEASE. it's killing what tiny shred of confidence i had left. and i think that if i message a bunch of guys tonight, like i plan to, and hear nothing back, again, it will continue to sink.

it's rough. sometimes i feel fine with it. better than trying to pick someone up at the bar. but now i don't even have a bar to pick someone up at anymore. not that i would if i could.

fucking hormones. ugh.

funny story from work though. caterpillar and his girl came in on friday. kim and pam were taunting me with the fact that they had a story for me, and wouldn't tell me until i saw them today.

it wasn't that crazy a story. but it was funny. apparently, they walked in together. and while kim helped him (read: lays it on thick in front of her), she walked to the end of the bar where pam was, and was looking around. in the back room, i guess. for me.

pam said they were both out in the open, and that she had no reason to go over there, because she was ordering a drink. and that she wasn't looking for anything else. that she was seeing if i was there, waiting to pop out and say hi and smile. but not lay it on thick.

kim told his girl that we love him when she said, 'they know what you drink?'. and i guess he felt like he needed to say, 'well i am here every day'.

they flirt just to piss her off, even though we all think he's pretty fantastic. and, of course, deserving of someone much better than her. like me. but that's beside the point. his pants would annoy me, and he probably hates smokers. researchers usually do.

maybe someday we won't see her for a while. and then we'll ask, 'where is she?'

and maybe he'll say, 'we split up.'

and then maybe i won't be so understated in my flirting anymore.

it only sucks where their girlfriends are assholes. like this boy chris. we don't know what his girl is like, he's never brought her in. but i'm curious. i hope she appreciates him. god knows pam would fight me for him, but i'd do my best to win. and make sure he knows how great he is.

boys. boys. boys. lauren can't keep them straight.

lauren: all you need to remember is that there is only one real life boy. his name is joey (pun intended). and god help him if he shows up this week. i will not be able to help myself. he won't even see it coming. hopefully he is actually really interested.

i wish intern was in the mix, but i'm too embarrassed to try to invite him out anywhere, ever. because he always says no. and i cannot take any more rejection. i haven't seen him since that night this summer, i guess. which is a fucking SHAME.

in other news, i am mostly certain that quinn will be turning in her notice tomorrow. it will be an interesting day. i need to rest up. save my strength. for the trenches. for the insanity. for the annoying girlfriends and unavailable pretend boyfriends. and for having to act like i'm devastated that my least favorite person is leaving the company.