I act for a consortium of Nigerian entrepreneurs who have asked me to represent them and "helm" their bid to purchase Newcastle United Football Club. Rest assured, they are more than serious and have access to £100m (and then some!) and would be very happy to transfer these funds to any account which you care to name. If you could send details of your chosen account to me by return email (with passwords and the rest) then the funds should be available to you by the end of the week.

Money sorted, let's discuss the nitty gritty. My business partners, although extremely generous, are not a complete charity case and before you can cash your cheque for 100 large (and then some!) they will require certain conditions are met. The following, you should be aware, are potential deal breakers.

1) Big Alan Shearer. It may surprise you to learn that Big Al is huge in Burkina Faso. So huge that the streets of Ouagadougou are plastered with posters of the Great Man wheeling away in celebration having notched another trademark goal. Enough padding, Mike, here is the sketch. The powers that be in Burkina (which, as you probably know, translates as "men of integrity") are anxious to employ a man of integrity to manage the national football team, and men of integrity do not come more integral than Big Al. Rest assured, this is no wild goose chase. The Burkinabe are joint-top of their qualifying group, having trounced Guinea 4–2 at home and edged a 1–0 thriller in Malawi. On 20 June, however, they face Didier Drogba's Ivory Coast. For your money to clear we need Big Al in place for that one. Given his record at Newcastle I can't imagine this should cause any problem, but should you require any "extra muscle" don't hesitate to ask. Let's do a Hiddink on this one!

2) Little Michael Owen. What kind of insurance policy is the one-time wunderkind subject to? Do Newcastle receive £20m a leg? We are certainly assuming so. And it would be a great shame if our very generous offer were to be undermined by some small print from the Norwich Union, or Aviva if we must. If you could kindly scan us the exact details then we will take care of the rest.

3) "Fit and Proper Person Test". For myriad reasons my clients are anxious to retain their anonymity. You may have felt comfortable dressed in a replica shirt surrounded by fans in the Gallowgate End but not all of us possess your chutzpah. We will need, as a matter of urgency, someone to fulfil this role. Feelers have been put out to, among others, Bob Mugabe, who, entre nous, is looking to wind things down and limit his responsibilities to a little light ambassadorial work. FA clearance is in the bag, but we do need advice as to how this might play with the fabled Toon Army?

4) Joey Barton. My clients believe very strongly that "JB" is a man not only that they can do business with but should be doing business with. Please do not sell this player, and pass on our kind regards.

And that is all we require. As you see from the glitzy list of cc's (to cc or not to cc, that is the question) there is more than one football club on the market. Having watched, as a toddler, Wor Jackie Milburn play I would like it to be Newcastle. But in the current economic climate there is no room for sentiment. We await your reply with interest.

Newcastle's owner, Mike Ashley, has put the club and its entire squad on the market. Leading players' agent Barry Silkman estimates how much they might make in a fire sale of the club's top talent this summer