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Friday, 27 May 2011

You know that feeling when, very occasionally, you meet someone so brilliant that you’d do almost anything to be their friend, but hold back for fear of coming across all overenthusiastic and stalkery? Well I expect that, if we weren’t already related, that’s how I’d feel about my brother.

I use that analogy as, quite genuinely, my appraisal of his brilliance isn’t seen through sister-tinted shades. That first paragraph just there? You’d write it too, for Jamie is simply one of those all-round Good Blokes that everybody likes. Of course, the law of averages states that there must be someone, somewhere who isn’t a fan of our kid. But my own law of averages can only surmise that that person must be a complete arse.

It makes me happy for more reasons than just the long-awaited piece of good news it’s granted our family, then, to tell you that Jamie and his wife Leanne are expecting a baby. (Even more of an incredible feat when you consider that, in my head, he’s still 12.)

Under normal circumstances, this would already be spectacular stuff. But, when you consider the number of less-than-celebratory revelations the Mac/Lynch family has had to contend with, it’s the Best News In The History Of The Known World. So, quite aside from mine and P’s unending joy at becoming auntie and uncle, consider how wonderful this must be for Jamie and Leanne, celebrating not just an amazing new life, but amazing new lives: for them; for the grandparents-to-be; for all of us. And, given my brother-loving opening paragraph, the fact that Leanne is so head-spinningly sweet that even this overprotective sister can’t help but call her ‘sis’, and mine and P’s closeness with the two of them, we’re fortunate to feel as much a part of their pregnancy as it’s possible to be.

It’s with significant prior discussion between Jamie, Leanne, P and myself, then, that this post is being written. For there are a few things we’d collectively like to say, and given that I’m a) the gobby one, b) the one with arguably the biggest bee in her bonnet, and c) the one with a suitable platform, I’ve taken it upon myself to deliver the message. Not that this is exactly a message as such – more, I suppose, an opportunity to address the elephant standing between us. That bright pink one just there, to your left. The one that looks like this:

Jamie and/or Leanne, to anyone: ‘So, we’ve got some great news… we’re having a baby!’

There are so many places I – no, we – want to go with this, that I’m not sure where to begin. So forgive me if the following is incohesive or ranting or uncontrolled, or even a bit cross.

I’ll ease us all in, then, with our first point: shouldn’t the second statement upon hearing about a person’s long-awaited, well-deserved pregnancy be something along the lines of ‘how are you feeling’, ‘when’s your due date’, or ‘how soon will you be buying it a Derby County season ticket’? Not ‘well that’s nice and all, but how are you dealing with The Infertile Ones?’

Quite aside from the natural/paranoid/unreasonable (delete as you see fit) anger that this stirs in mine and P’s bellies (how do you think we’re doing with it: sprawling ourselves across supermarket floors in front of Bugaboos, wailing out histrionic tantrums while beating our fists on the floor?), there’s the ten-times-larger infuriation of the rain it pours on Jamie and Leanne’s parade. Haven’t they had enough of that already, with the top-trumping of my cancer over their wedding?

‘So what do you say?’ I ask of Jamie and/or Leanne.

‘I tell them that you’re chuffed to bits; that you’re more excited than anyone,’ they say.

‘Good,’ I say.

‘But people seem a bit surprised; like they need to be convinced,’ they say.

Sigh.

I should state that it’s absolutely not my – our – intention to bawl anyone out here. We’re well aware that any concern – whether head-tiltingly expressed or awkwardly avoided – comes from a good and genuine place; one that cares about the feelings of everyone involved. And that’s lovely.

So forgive me, then, for assuming that we’d covered this already; that we’d all made our peace with The Situation. A Situation that would never have been granted title case, had it not been for the realisation that everyone else appears to be much more concerned about The Situation than we are. And if you are, that’s fine! Just do me a lemon, eh, and talk to me or P about it; not Jamie and Leanne. It’s not that they’re not well placed to answer on our behalves – heck, when it comes to each other, we’re verging on the telepathic – just that they shouldn’t be having to.

The situation as it appears to P and I is that too many people seem to be going out of their way not to talk to us about Baby Mac – even those who should be talking about it more than anyone. I mean, we want to talk about it. Why wouldn’t we? This is the biggest thing to happen to us since… hell, ever. Please! Allow us to be excited!

The issue, according to P, is a ‘fundamental misunderstanding of the situation’. But, in fairness, this isn’t the easiest state of affairs to get your head around. So allow me to talk it out, once and for all.

Yes, P and I began trying to get pregnant the moment we got married. We even managed it a couple of times, only to miscarry at or before 10 weeks. And yes, that was terribly sad. Though never especially broody or hormonally yearning for kids, we were simply so in love with each other that the thought of creating something that was part P, part me was really pretty wonderful. But then another curveball came; a curveball that I’ve recounted in such detail on this blog that we needn’t go into it again, only to say that my tumour was hormone-exacerbated; that the cancer was too advanced to give us a window in which to freeze eggs; that the ferocity of my chemotherapy later began to push me into menopause; and that, when we later discovered a faulty gene that put my chance of a serious recurrence at upwards of 80%, we chose to switch off the dripping tap that was my fertility by opting for the potentially life-saving surgical procedure of a salping-oophorectomy: the removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes.

I’d like to highlight the word ‘chose’ there, lest anyone forget that definitive infertility (though, admittedly, already pushed a fair way along the plank) was our decision. I know plenty of people have chosen a different path, and good luck to them, but for me and P, as was the case even while trying for a child of our own, nothing will ever be more important than – or worth risking the safety of – us. Simple as that.

I appreciate – actually, I probably don’t fully appreciate – how difficult that must have been to swallow for those around us: the parents who wouldn’t become grandparents; the friends whose kids would have played with ours; anyone who simply wanted something wonderful to happen to us. And, to those people, I am so sorry. At crunch-time, we simply couldn’t factor in anyone’s feelings but our own.

Having learned that it’s a dangerous precedent to set, I’m not saying with 100% certainty that we will never bring up children of our ‘own’. I’m just saying that, right now, our ‘might have kids’ is akin to our ‘might get a mohawk’. Because – and perhaps I haven’t made this clear enough – P and I aren’t just perfectly at peace with our decision, but actively planning and discussing and dreaming about and living a wonderful life.

I’d be duping everyone involved by denying that there was – is? – a sadness to the choice that we were rather strongarmed into making. But our biggest worries, to be completely honest with you, are about who the task of putting us in a nursing home will fall to; being unable to make people happy by announcing baby news; whether the distance between us and our child-raising friends will continue to widen; whether my parents will feel they have to act differently with me and P than they do with Jamie and Leanne; and, now, whether folk will look from Jamie and Leanne’s baby to us, and tilt their heads in a pity that’s an utter waste of their energy. But none of those things are reason enough to have children. Hence, our sadness is simply a case of having led such lovely lives that we’d wanted to gift someone with exactly what we’ve had. But actually, when we’re not worrying about what everyone else makes of our decision, we’re having bloody lovely lives of our own, thank you very much. Different lives, yes. But none less lovely than the ones we’ve cherished.

Which is why it’d be a genuinely sad state of affairs if people could only celebrate the exciting arrival of a new family member when we're not around. Because, believe me, I am buggered if I’m going to remove myself from this situation just to make people feel more comfortable. I do not want this to ruin Jamie and Leanne’s enjoyment of imminent parenthood. And I don’t want it to ruin mine and P’s enjoyment of imminent auntie-and-uncle-hood, either.

So, please. Don’t be sad that this is something we’re never going to experience. (Be envious of all the other things we’ll experience!) Don’t feel that you need to check in with Jamie and Leanne about how we might be feeling. Don’t assume that you can’t be open with us about this stuff if you want to be (jeez, we’ve been open about everything else in our lives, haven’t we – why the difference with this?). Don’t avoid talking to us about something we’re so thrilled by. And don’t look on us in pity. It’s really not necessary.

I’ve said before that, through all the Bullshit bullshit, Jamie was the only person who consistently played it right – never shy, never pitying, never anything different to the straight-talking, considerate, piss-taking way he’d always been with me. And, yet again – in a situation so polar opposed to the aforementioned that it’s ludicrous that anyone should even be considering how to act – he’s playing it right. So if you need an example to follow, here’s my advice: do as Jamie and Leanne’s unborn child is going to do, and look to my brother for your role model. Because, as any right-thinking person should know, there ain’t nobody better for the job.

I am sure that some people do ask about about you and how you feel. The problem is - they think that you got cancer - and got over it - and that's that. In reality - yes you may have had children - and no you may not. At the end of the day the important thing is that you are here - P is here - and you are healthy and happy - touch wood. Cancer or no cancer - the world has to get over the fact that people can be content and fulfilled without children - whether cancer has influenced that decision or not.

And now I am going get off my soapbox. (And by the way I have two children I love very much).

Lisa, you are going to have a brilliant life. Obviously you would have been a great mum but that is not to be. You can live a very fulfilled and much more carefree life child-free. And you will be the best Aunty and Uncle ever. Live well and be happy. You don't need anybody to tell you that.

Well done for getting it right for your brother and his beloved. It's tough that you can't have children but it's life. And you live life to the full. Congrats to all the family from one of your golden oldies fans. Every Blesing

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for being so lovely, as ever. Yep, I'm already storing up the expletives, daft impressions and Jay-Z lyrics that are going to make this kid happy to have me as its auntie. L.x

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Welcome to the website of me, Lisa Lynch: author, editor, blogger, wife, Ram, telly-addict, doofus, cancer bitch (but not, I hasten to add, cancer's bitch). The latter of those things is what initially got me blogging, swearing my way through The Bullshit following a pesky breast-cancer diagnosis at 28. Some three years down the line – with newly grown hair, a newly published book and a newly perky rack – I dared to assume that I'd seen the worst… only for the c-word to crop up once more: this time in my bones and brain, and this time incurable.

And so, from being a blog intended to chart my evolution from 'the girl who has cancer' to merely 'the girl', it seems we're back to the former. (If, indeed, it's still acceptable to even call yourself a girl in your thirties. Which, let's be honest, it probably isn't.) But before you write this off as Just Another Moany Health Blog, stick with me. Because cancer or no cancer, curable or incurable… I'll still tell it the way I see it. The universe might be in control of what’s going on in my body, but I'm in control of what’s going on in my blog. Which is why I hope you'll continue to join me as I write my way through my experiences. You see, this isn't a story about some poor, unlucky lass being taken down by cancer; it's simply a story about the extraordinary life of an ordinary girl woman.

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