"They used to call me Mr. Television until I started peeing my pants."

"Sentenced to Life"Original airdate: 1/4/1995

Episode summary: Steve fulfills his court ordered community service at a nursing home and befriends Milton Berle, one of the home's residents. Donna tries to convince Ray to perform on the opening night of the new Peach Pit After Dark, but he's not interested. Ahn-drea encounters her laundry pal, Peter, when she and Jesse rush Hannah to the emergency room.

Recap:Ahn-drea visits Dylan and brings him a book of poetry by Charles Bukowski, which she says is supposed to help him deal with his chronic drinking/drugging demons. As they bloviate about artists conquering demons, a courier arrives to deliver registered mail for Dylan; it's a notice to appear in Municipal Court. Dylan tells Ahn-drea it's about his car crash and that he's being charged with driving under the influence. He mumbles, "Time to face the music." Well, d'yuh.

Donna is - OMG - decked out in a bizarre mini skirt suit and diamond patterned knee socks as she delivers a video news report for Campus TV on the new Peach Pit After Dark, which is currently undergoing renovations...and David and Clare are filming her. She makes a beeline for Nat and asks him about opening night, and he tells her it's one week away, and she announces to her "viewers" that the club will feature live musicians, then urges any aspiring musicians out there to send in their audition tapes. After the interview wraps, Donna tells David and Clare that Ray should perform on opening night. OMFG no. No. David tries to hide his dismay at that horrible idea and points out that Ray doesn't even have a band, while Clare makes a blech face and outright tells Donna that Ray's music isn't danceable (or listenable, if we're being brutally honest). Donna stubbornly insists that Ray is great, then demands they give him a chance to prove it. David sighs in resignation and says it's not worth fighting about, and Donna flashes him a smug grin and says she has to go study for her English midterm now 'cause she still doesn't know "who killed the damn mockingbird". Poor, stupid Donna.

Steve arrives at the nursing home where he's been assigned to do his community service. He enters the lobby as one of the residents who's just died is being wheeled out on a gurney. Milton Berle, who plays a nursing home resident, notices Steve's bewildered expression and quips, "What some guys will do to get outa here" then adds that the guy dropped dead during dinner. As he wanders off, Steve stares at him curiously and then walks over to where he's standing. He introduces himself and says he knows him from when he worked with his mom, Samantha Sanders, on The Hartley House. Milton Berle grimaces at the memory of being on the cheeseball show, then tells Steve he remembers him and starts calling him Chuckie. Steve corrects him and explains that Chuckie was the name of his mom's on-screen kid.

Steve ambles down the hall to meet with Mr. Warren, the director of the nursing home. He tells him he's here regarding his community service, and Mr. Warren glances over at him warily and says, "Oh, you're the pyromaniac." Steve looks irked and clarifies that he didn't start the rave fire, then says he heard he could simply sign some papers in lieu of actually fulfilling his court mandated community service. Mr. Warren glares at him and mutters that it never ceases to amaze him what rich people will do for their bratty, spoiled kids. He hands Steve the papers and orders him to sign all of them so he doesn't ever have to look at his smug, stupid face again. Steve asks what he would have to do if he were actually willing to work at the nursing home, so Mr. Warren lists off the various tasks: clean bedpans, mop floors, bus meals, and wipe old people's drool. He adds, "Basically stuff that a nice boy from Beverly Hills would never want to have to deal with" and Steve shamelessly retorts, "You got that right." He exits Warren's office...but then encounters Milton Berle again, who's standing in the doorway of his room urgently whispering, "Chuckie!" and motioning for him to come over. Steve goes over to see what he wants, and Milton hands him a paper bag that contains his bedsheets. He asks Steve to launder the sheets (no starch please) and explains that he accidentally peed in his bed and doesn't want the staff to find out, otherwise they might force him to sleep on plastic sheets or wear a diaper. Steve looks a bit icked out, but takes the bag and agrees to take care of it.

The Walsh house. Kelly and Brandon are in the kitchen, studying for exams, when Valerie returns home from her Christmas holidays. They ask her how Buffalo was, so she tells them she blew off Buffalo in favor of Negril, Jamaica. Sounds like an awesome change of plans to me. She says she just couldn't face going back home right now, so she explained this to her mother, who assured her she was A-OK with it. After Valerie bounds upstairs to unpack, Kelly looks all judgmental and tells Brandon she highly doubts that Mrs. Malone had any clue Valerie was ditching Christmas in Buffalo so she could spend the week sunning herself in Jamaica. She calls Valerie a compulsive liar...and when Brandon says that that's a tad harsh, Kelly snootily declares that she's taken enough psychology classes at CU to accurately diagnose Valerie as a "textbook case" compulsive liar.

Steve returns to the nursing home to deliver the laundered sheets (sans starch) to Milton Berle...and he looks happy to see Steve again and says he always knew he was a good boy. He adds that he really liked Samantha, but thought Rush was a giant douchebag. Steve looks over at the Emmy displayed on his shelf, along with the photos on the wall and asks him if he has any children. Milton says he had a daughter...but lost her a long time ago in a car accident. Steve shares that his birth parents also died in a car accident, then quickly explains that he was adopted...and Milton remarks that Rush not being his bio dad explains why he's such a good kid. Heh. Mr. Warren happens to walk past Milton's room, sees Steve, and asks him what he's doing there - and Steve informs him that he's going to fulfill the terms of his community service after all. Mr. Warren says that that's admirable, but warns him to be prepared to do a lot of hard work, 'cause this ain't no country club. He then asks Steve to step outside so they can speak privately, and when they're alone he makes it clear to Steve that he's not here to change anyone's life and that he should just leave Milton Berle alone. Steve snarks back, "Why? So he can shrivel up and die?" and Mr. Warren says that that's pretty much why he's at the nursing home and should be left in peace.

The Walsh house. Brandon tells Kelly he spoke to Valerie's mom about her trip to Jamaica...and it turns out she did, in fact, know all about it. Kelly just shrugs and goes, "Oh well" and Brandon tells her she should admit she was wrong about Valerie and her alleged compulsive lying. Kelly says she still doesn't trust the girl, so Brandon asks her what Val's ever done to her, and Kelly says she doesn't have to have done anything...then shuts the argument down and says she just wants to focus on her studying. Valerie enters the kitchen and asks Kelly if she can borrow her psych notes to study for the exam...and Kelly just glares at her and says she thought she dropped that class, since she hasn't shown up all semester. Valerie says she never actually dropped the class and didn't think it would be any big deal to ask her for her notes...but Kelly snarks it is a big deal, and that she worked her butt off in that class and, quite frankly, doesn't want to share her precious notes with someone who didn't make the effort to go to class. Valerie's like, "OK, so-rry" and stomps out of the room. Brandon tut-tuts Kelly and tells her she goes out of her way to be mean to Valerie, but Kelly insists that the girl is a user and a liar, and tells Brandon he should wise up.

Beach house. Ray arrives at the apartment with bags of take-out for Donna, Clare, and David. Donna bounds over to the kitchen and tells Ray she has great news, and announces that he's going to be the headliner for the opening night of the Peach Pit After Dark. Ray's all, "Huh? Wuh?" then says he's not interested, and Donna's all, "Wuh? Why not?" and says she thought he'd be excited by the opportunity. He explains that he's not a one man dance band and can't pull off that kind of show. No duh. Base on clips of his on-camera singing, I doubt he has more than three songs in his entire repertoire. Donna tries to get him to change his mind, but he firmly says no.

Nursing home. Milton Berle is sitting in the cafeteria, telling funny stories to the other residents. He sees Steve and invites him to join them, and says he wants to do a card trick...then asks Steve to rip up one of the cards and throw up the pieces - which Steve does - and Milton blurts out, "Happy New Year!" Mr. Warren, who's standing a few feet away, does not look amused and snarls at Steve to get back to work. This nursing home could maybe use a director who likes people.

Laundromat. Ahn-drea's doing laundry and gabbling in babyspeak to Hannah. Peter enters the laundromat, sees Ahn-drea, and comes over to say hello to his favorite "babysitter". This guy is either ignoring the obvious, or is too dumb to get a clue. He tells her how disappointed he was that she threw his phone number away (a correct assumption) and says he'd like to give it to her again.

Nursing home. Steve is mopping the hallway when Milton comes over and apologizes for getting him into trouble with Mr. Warren. He looks sad and says he feels like a prisoner in this place, as though he's been given a life sentence. Steve suddenly looks inspired and suggests springing him from "the joint" tomorrow. Milton looks uncertain and says it's not really a good idea since he isn't able to walk very far...but Steve assures him he'll drive him door to door, then asks him if he likes hamburgers. Milton's not interested in a hamburger, but describes in great detail the type of chicken sandwich he'd enjoy.

The Peach Pit. Jesse advises Dylan to get himself a good attorney and throw himself on the mercy of the court. Dylan derisively retorts that he doesn't beg for mercy, so Jesse reminds him that when he drove his Porsche off a cliff, he was drunk and also had traces of cocaine and heroin in his blood stream. He then gives Dylan a funny look and asks, "What's wrong with you?" - LOL - but Dylan still refuses to hire a lawyer. Jesse urges him to swallow his stupid pride and says he'll most likely just get a fine, probation, and lose his driver's license for a couple of months. Dylan stubbornly says, "I don't think so" but Jesse still insists on giving him the number of a good lawyer...then goes over to the nearest wall so he can beat his head in frustration.

Nursing home. When Steve arrives to pick up Milton for their outing, he finds him laying in bed watching TV. Milton stares over at Steve in confusion and asks, "Who are you?" so Steve reminds him that he's Steve (or Chuckie, if that helps). Milton barks at him to get the hell out of his room, gets it into his head that Steve is trying to steal his Emmy, and calls a nurse for help. A nurse rushes in and calms Milton down, hands him his Emmy, then discreetly explains to Steve that Milton has Alzheimer's, and that it comes and goes. Steve stares toward his sick friend with a sad expression.

Later, Steve is wheeling a cart down the hall when Milton steps out of his room and asks him where he's been. He says he's been waiting for two hours for Steve to pick him up and take him to get his chicken sandwich. Steve looks hesitant and says that maybe it's not such a good idea, but Milton tells him he really really wants to go. Steve agrees and helps him outside, then steers him toward his Corvette. Milton is impressed by the fancy sports car and announces that he'll be driving, but Steve wisely says no.

The Peach Pit. Steve and Milton enter the diner and go over to a table where the gang is already seated and waiting. Steve introduces him to everyone, and Milton sits next to Kelly and puts an arm around her and does some harmless, old man flirting. He then pulls out a deck of cards and does an impressive trick, and everyone claps with delight. Clare mentions that one of his movies is a favorite of hers, and suddenly Milton looks confused and asks her if he was in that. Kelly tries to lighten the moment by asking him what he won his Emmy for, but he can't remember that either...so Steve reminds him it was for Playhouse 90. Milton's brain suddenly goes on rewind, and he tells the gang he wants to do the same card trick he just did, and everyone looks uncomfortable and just stares at him with their sad faces on. Steve says maybe they should order lunch, but this causes Milton to get agitated and he starts snapping at Steve...so when Nat brings over Milton's chicken sandwich to the table, Steve asks him to wrap it up so they can take it to go. He quickly helps Milton get into his overcoat and hat, and hustles him out of the diner.

Ahn-drea's/Jesse's apartment. Hannah has a high fever, so Ahn-drea and Jesse bundle her up and take her to the hospital.

Beach house. Clare enters the living room, where Donna, Ray, and David are seated, and mentions to Ray that she heard he finally broke down and agreed to perform at the After Dark. Ray gives her a strange look and goes, "Huh?" and Clare says they're holding open a slot for him on opening night. Ray looks annoyed and tells Donna he wants to talk to her in private, so they go to her bedroom. He tells her he doesn't want to play at the club, and she argues that it's a great gig...and he snaps back that he's not interested, then accuses her of wanting him to perform just so she can show her cunty mother what a big star he is. Donna gets mad and barks at him to leave her mother out of this, and insists that she was just trying to help him, and he barks back that he didn't ask for her help, then orders her to stop meddling in his life. Please break up.

Hospital. Peter happens to be the doctor on call when Ahn-drea and Jesse arrive at the hospital with Hannah. When Peter greets Ahn-drea by name, Jesse's like, "You two know each other?" so Ahn-drea tells him they met at the laundromat. Peter manages to hide his surprise and dismay when Ahn-drea introduces Jesse as her husband and Hannah as their daughter. The boring jig is up.

Nursing home. Steve brings Milton a cup of water as he rests in his bed, and Milton calls him a good boy, then tells him the most important thing in life is family. Steve grumps about how much he hates Rush...and Milton tells him his daughter hated him too, and that they always used to fight. He says that on one occasion, months went by without either of them talking...so he finally broke down and phoned her to tell her how much he loved her. Two weeks later she died in a car accident, so he's always been thankful he made that phone call. He urges Steve to do the right thing and not let so much time pass before he makes up with his father. Steve looks contemplative, then wishes Milton a good night and heads toward the door. Milton suddenly blurts out that he knows he's losing his mind and tells Steve that if he does anything strange he shouldn't let it bother him. Steve tears up and tells him not to worry 'bout that.

Hospital. The next morning, Peter tells Ahn-drea that Hannah's fever has gone down, then asks her to step outside the room (where Jesse is slumped in a chair, sleeping) so they can speak in private. Once they're in the hallway, he gives Ahn-drea a WTF? look and asks her why she didn't tell him that Hannah was her baby, and Ahn-drea just says, "You didn't ask." She then admits it was kinda fun to pretend she wasn't a wife and mother with too much laundry to do. Peter nods and says he now gets why she didn't call him...then tells her he too omitted some relevant data, and shows her his wedding band. Ahn-drea stares back at him, stunned, and asks him why he flirted with her so shamelessly at the laundromat. He confesses that he got married too young and for the wrong reasons...and [accurately] assumes that Ahn-drea made the same mistake after she discovered a bun in her oven. Haha! Ahn-drea gets all haughty and snaps, "That's none of your business!" and storms off.

California University. Valerie's about to take her psychology final when she notices that Kelly is a no show. She rushes over to the nearest pay phone to call her, and it turns out that Kelly accidentally overslept. Kelly's like, "Oh my God!" and tells Valerie she appreciates the call.

Nursing home. Milton is sitting outside with a group of nursing home residents, and they all have paints and canvasses in front of them. Steve ambles over to say hello, but notices that Milton is in a catatonic state. Steve urges him to pick up his brush and paint something, but he's completely unresponsive. Steve whispers that it's OK, that he's already painted his masterpiece, then gently kisses his forehead. This scene made me want to take back every mean thing I've ever written about Steve.

Courthouse. When Dylan exits the courthouse, an anxious Jesse asks him how it went, and Dylan grumbles, "Not so good." He snaps at Jesse for giving him crummy advice, then says he got probation for a year and lost his license for two months. His face then breaks out into a huge smile and he's like, "Gotcha!" and tells Jesse he's very pleased with the lawyer he recommended and the outcome of the case. A relieved Jesse offers him a ride home, but Dylan declines and points at a nearby bus and says he's going to have to get used to scooting around town via public transportation.

The Walsh house. Kelly thanks Valerie for the phone call alerting her about their psych final, then asks her how she thinks she did. Valerie says she did pretty well, then tells her she can stop feeling guilty for not wanting to share her notes. Kelly looks sheepish and admits to acting like a bitch, and acknowledges that she owes Valerie one. Valerie agrees and assures her that one of these days she'll collect. No doubt.

Nursing home. Steve drops by to bring Milton some peach pie, but he's still in a catatonic state. Steve tries to draw him out by suggesting they take a walk together or do some card tricks...but that doesn't work, so he pulls out his car keys and starts dangling them in front of Milton's face. He instantly snaps back to reality, grabs the keys, and asks Steve where he's been. Steve grins and invites him to go for a drive in his Corvette, and Milton eager accepts and says he'll do the driving...and Steve says no, and the screen fades to black as the two continue to bicker about who's driving.

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