An American Public Media documentary

Sasha Aslanian is a producer for American Public Media. “Divorced Kid” is an hour-long documentary available to public radio stations through PRX.org. It was originally produced for Minnesota Public Radio. Contact: saslanian@americanpublicmedia.org.

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I found your program very interesting and relevant. I certainly agree that divorce has a significant impact on children, mostly negative impacts. However, I want to share my experiences as a child of divorced parents, and as a divorced adult, because I feel my parents’ divorce affected me differently from the cases referenced in your program. I am sharing this because while it was briefly acknowledged that divorce in cases of abuse is necessary, the main message I received from the program is that divorce is extremely hurtful to the child. I agree that divorce is very painful for all parties involved, and most definitely so for the child. I think my parents’ divorced affected me significantly. I “lost” my mother and only saw her twice yearly after having her as the primary caregiver for the first 5 years of my life. As an adult, while not blaming my parents, I was deeply aware of the pain I had experienced as a child. As a result, I was determined to make my marriage work, at all costs. However, my marriage was to a man who was emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Those who are educated about the nature of abuse, know about the “cycle of abuse” . This can be simply described as a period following an abusive incident where the abuser is apologetic, the situation is normalized (often with promises of change, therapy etc), followed by a buildup of tension, and a repetition of the abuse, sometimes over weeks, sometimes over months, even years. To make a long story short, my determination to not have my children experience a “broken home” made me even more susceptible to promises of change. I am certain than my childhood history of divorce caused me to stay in an abusive marriage longer than if I had not had that background. I am now divorced, and am seeing the effects of having stayed in this abusive relationship on my teenage sons. My teenage sons mimic the abusive behaviors of my ex-husband, and I fear that they will continue a pattern of abuse in their future intimate relationships. I wish that I had understood that the effect this abusive marriage was far worse than that of a divorce on my children. I am writing this because I would very much suggest that the next time this program is aired, a very STRONG message be sent that in the case of abuse, divorce is the ONLY solution and is the best option for the children. Had I understood this earlier, my sons may not have to fight the battle of making better choices in the face of years of modeled abusive behaviors. Yes, divorce has a very significant impact on children, but in the cases where there is domestic violence in the family, it is the ONLY step to take to break the cycle of violence.