Supercross

I'm going to go way out on a limb here and make a pronouncement: any movie that begins with the line "My name's Trip Carlyle. This is my big brother K.C.," accompanied by motorcycles rocketing into the air over dusty mounds of desert dirt, is going to suck hard. Between that opening and the "No one wins alone" closing platitude, there's enough sucking to empty out something called Supercross, a "For Dummies" look at what Fox tells me is "the second-fastest-growing motor sport in the U.S."

Trip (Mike Vogel of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) explains that he's a risk-taking cyclist, like his late father, while K.C. (Steve Howey of TV's Reba) plays it safer. In a sport that typically burns out its stars by their mid to late 20s, one approach seems about as sane as the other, but the two bros generate a lot of drama anyway. They're pool boys not very invested in their jobs, as Trip demonstrates when he says, "Dude, I would really be bummed if this attitude had something to do with the job, but it doesn't. It's about the chick." Dude, I am bummed.

It's sort of about the chicks, with a hottie blonde (Cameron Richardson) for blond Trip and a hottie brunette (Cameron Richardson) for brunet K.C. (sample come-on: "You dropped your nuts"). But really, it's all about Supercross! Championship Supercross! When the brothers nearly win Supermoto, fictional supercross star Jeff Johnson (Ryan Locke) invites the boys to the fictional American Nami headquarters. The politic K.C. gets hired as a "factory rider," while the hotheaded Trip is left to go it as a "privateer."

This development, as you might well imagine, makes things totally tense between the bros. "This isn't a game!" yells K.C. "This is your life, and you're messing it up!" Dude, I know that sounds cold, but Trip has serious commitment issues. Even his best chick says so. Before Supercross is over, Trip will open up to the girl (Paul Newman and Katharine Ross needn't lose any sleep about this bike-riding courtship). More to the point of supercross, Trip opens up to the girl's father (Robert Patrick), who encourages the young privateer and lends him a new hog. Oh, and Trip and K.C. will find a way to work productively together for their common good.

Director Steve Boyum serves up more beefcake than cheesecake, which is kind of odd for a movie aimed at adolescent boys, but there are a few girls in bikinis and Trip's girlfriend peels off her top to reveal her bare back. Boys will also learn how chicks stand by their men and seem to have no interests of their own (kudos to screenwriters Bart Baker and Ken Solarz for that little lesson...not). According to the press notes, Daryl Hannah is in Supercross, except that she's not. Feel free to speculate as to why her scenes disappeared. (A Hispanic mechanic named Chuy remains, though he's sadly only allowed to tighten nuts and say, "Yeah!").

As for the supercross, which is, after all, the point, we do get bikes "on asphalt and dirt at speeds in excess of 80 miles per hour." These are supposed to be races, but the showboating stunts on display would seem to add unwise hang time. It's hard to learn much of anything about supercross racing from the dicey sequences here, though I suppose hyperactive editing is par for the courses. It's possible that supercross fans will like this feature-length advertisement for the sport and its sponsors, but I'm betting fans will smell the bull plop as much as the next guy...or "chick" (sigh).