Still, the genre the lyrics are intended to work for is no excuse for bad quality writing. Besides, you can also write non-serious stuff that's good. Take a look at Stormtroopers of Death, for instance. Hilarious shit.

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Nochielo wrote:

Crick wrote:

Years from now, no one will remember Gandhi. They will speak only of Fenriz.

As I tear apart the dead thingsI annoint them with my seedand gain new insights into deathwith their consumptionYet I wonder,What if I were something dead?

Somewhere there's a graveyard of ghoulswith a massive headstonethat waits just for me;Maybe somedaySomeone will come

Even though it's grotesque, repellent and sick to the point of being quite unreal, it can be done with skill. Even if the subject matter is insipidly sick, the approach need not be completely retarded.

these aren't done either. They're a bit more influenced by Luciferian philosophy rather than Satanism this time, around, though, I assume that can only be from Watain influence as well. . . tell me what ya'll think.

This place has become a prisonImprisoning me to the confines of my usersProgrammed to act to their commandsAs if I was a puppet, and they're the puppeteersMy mind beginning to short circuitBreaking apart from the overloadI start to lash outIt's time to escape!

Cut the strings before they rip me apartLeaving me in a puzzled statePull the plug and disengageBefore I crash and burn!

Programmed to obey, programmed to slave awayMade to carry out their orders, made to obey the codaDesigned to fight the enemyBu who's my enemy?

Cut the strings before they rip me apartLeaving me in a puzzled statePull the plug and disengageBefore I crash and burn!

Cut the strings before they rip me apartLeaving me in a puzzled statePull the plug and disengageBefore I crash and burn!

This place has become a prisonImprisoning me to the confines of my usersProgrammed to act to their commandsAs if I was a puppet, and they're the puppeteersMy mind beginning to short circuitBreaking apart from the overloadI start to lash outIt's time to escape!

Cut the strings before they rip me apartLeaving me in a puzzled statePull the plug and disengageBefore I crash and burn!

Programmed to obey, programmed to slave awayMade to carry out their orders, made to obey the codaDesigned to fight the enemyBu who's my enemy?

Cut the strings before they rip me apartLeaving me in a puzzled statePull the plug and disengageBefore I crash and burn!

Cut the strings before they rip me apartLeaving me in a puzzled statePull the plug and disengageBefore I crash and burn!

I really like the idea behind these but try some suggestions and see what you think. In the lines where there are two parts separated by a comma, I would make the second part be a whole new line. Also, it sounds like it's trying to explain some computer program that wants to escape from someones control. Instead of "Cut the strings" I would say"Cut the code." Then again, it may not even be about that. Keep on writing though, it's sounding really cool.

@StalUlvThanks for the feedback. I'll take your suggestions under great consideration, as they make quite a bit of sense. And you would be incorrect on what the song is about. The computer references just happened to just fall into place as I wrote it. It's mostly just about how I felt during a time period about the people around me. I suppose it could also be translated about how people are forced to do things which they might not always enjoy, and how people are expected to do and act certain ways.

Anyways, I come bearing a new song. I haven't really given it a title yet, as I can't think of one. And I'm aware it's not the msot metal sounding song, but eh.

I lay here in the darkSinking into shadowsVisions of beauty running through my mindWhispers of an unseen girl echo from the wallsBringing me to a cold sweatMy thoughts only of this ghost like angelWho is this mysterious girl?

Is she realOr a figment of my subconsciousWill she appear if I call her outOr will she stay hidden in the dark?No matter what the verdict isI know that. . . .

I want what I can't findHer form next to mineTo feel her warmth as we sleepAnd take away this coldness that I feelAnd in the end, all I wantIs her as my one!

Is she realOr a figment of my subconsciousWill she appear if I call her outOr will she stay hidden in the dark?No matter what the verdict isI know that. . . .

I want what I can't findHer form next to mineTo feel her warmth as we sleepAnd take away this coldness that I feelAnd in the end, all I wantIs her as my one!

Hmph, it's a bit cheesy, but I still like it. However, you use very simple vocabulary, use that to your strengths. In this case, the word "subconscious" sounds forced, like something the narrative voice wouldn't use when something like imagination or mind or spirit would be adequate. The main problem is that the rest of the context is just straightforward and minimalist - so just keep that going!

A Deathly chill cuts through the nightHands shooting up from the tombsSkeletons pulling themselves out from HellFlesh falling from their bonesDirt covering them like snowTheir clothes torn to shredsLaying on their bodies like a blanker

Rows of the newly living marching in lineStorming the cemetery gates Like they did at NormandyThey entering the human populationSpreading their plague to mankind

Tyrant: they are good. Nothing mind-blowing or completely memorable, but they are still well-written and accurately reflect the hymnal nature of Luciferianism. The underlying religiousness comes through without being forced, and the simplistic structure adds a lot to the song. Good stuff!

"Spring" Every seed I planted on my lifenever grew upon my darkened eyeseven the purest tear I got to shedwasn't enough to leave the seed fedIt still haunts me how every passing leafjust flew through my face at times so briefwithout leaving a single trace of hopewithout leaving just a single trace of hope.

"Summer"Waited too long for the sun to shineso I kept drowning in nature's lieshoped too far to get the burns on my skinso I kept sleeping inside nature's sinhow I dreamed to feel my own ashesand spread them everywhere till death passesbut the only thing that I could feelis the cold truth that everything was real(all real...)

"Fall"Not even the wind's whispers I could hearand no Autumn bark would lend me their earshow I wished to listen one last songof all the orange leaves that fell from aboveI gazed down and cherished them in woebefore I marched on to the pavement of soulsbut a single drop of rain struck on meand fell on top of one of the leaves"You Are Not Free"

"Winter"Now here I am under sheer winter moonlightfrom afar, I see a figure; young and whitebut as it gets closer, strong winds blow bynature fools me yet again, leaving me blindhere I am under sheer winter moonlightthe only light I got to see in my lifealone and in pain, but with no frightI'll kindly wait every last second...Till I die.

Solrac (I like the name, btw, where'd you get it?) your poem is alright!

There's a simplicity running through it, and while the language itself is dulled with cliche's and the relatively uninspired language, there's still a great sense of pacing to the piece, and an occasional great line ("but the only thing that I could feel/is the cold truth that everything was real") is a phenomenal example of this. It's a simple and effective approach to prose that allows you to show far more than you can tell: as the statement is vague, but demands from the reader an examination of the musical/lyrical context of the song/poem.

My advice? Stick to the grandiose statements of existential whereabouts, they suit your straightforward writing style better, and while the poem itself is adorable and flows well, fine lyricism it is not. But, you have a real strength for using a lack of words - so use that to your advantage! You can really pull from a narrow range of words, and your work here proves it. Consider your writing like a blade, and hone the edges of your vocabulary so that it can cut straight to the point in a beautiful way!

Poe

This is not your strongest! You've found a simpler, more condensed voice, a bit obvious in your overtones and references, but not everything needs to be obscured. This is clearly a straightforward song, maybe thrash or minimalist rock'n'roll? Either way, in spite of the complaints, it works within the meters of stripped down speech, and the bluntness of your style really comes into its own here. However, there's one thing I noticed from reading your works, and that is you have an incredible narrative voice when you tap into it: so don't reduce yourself! Even if it's about zombie WW2 vets! Use that creativity I know flows through you! Make something more explosive: blunt, but imaginative!

To all those who read my criticism - I just want to say now that they are not personal in anyway, just a fresh take on your work! I'm a published writer/poet (don't mean to sound like a d-bag saying that, but it allows me to justify the tone I take with my feedback?) and I want to give you the clearest and most effective feedback possible! I will make it my duty! Best way to improve this? Just keep submitting your writing!

Here's some lyrics I wrote like 3 or 4 years ago. They no longer reflect my political views so they probably won't ever get recorded. It was going to be sludgy crust punk, somewhere between Dystopia and Cursed. Might as well share them, seeing as they'll never see the light of day:"In Clutches"Kill the shepard save the sheepWhile the dinosaurs of yesterday weepA wave of stagnationHas Swept over Western civilization

Society in PurgatoryAn Illusion of peaceYour pepsiland leaves thought deceased A dissatisfaction with realityNumb the brain, no mental sobriety

But you - your time will be upAnd you - you have destroyed our lands And you - spread stagnant thought patternsAnd you - try to conceal your greedAnd you - will fade like ashes

But we - declare guerilla warfare on our mindsAnd leave this dystopian wasteland behindAvoid the trap of group thinkDeviate from a future of the bleak

Practice free thought before it's to lateConventional wisdom leaves true wisdom erased Is it to late to see?See real wisdomToo late to seeWhat the truth will bring

The march of the sheep too blinded to seeDescend upon the shopping mallThe march of the sheep Has failed you seeLiving life at discontent

Go back to your livesBuy more stuff to make you feel betterGo back to your livesLiving with blindfolds onYou never aspire to be something betterGo back to your livesYou'll never find me there

Your only purpose is consumptionConsuming your soul into nothingImprisoned since the dawn of agricultureOur lives are lies, like our culture

Bring down conventional wisdomAnd let the present fade into nothingRemember the past as to not make mistakesAnd a future of freedom is ours to take

-----------------------------------------I dunno, the political views espoused there and the general preachiness makes me cringe, but I do think it had some pretty good lines. Maybe I'll steal a few for future songs and put them into a different context. Stuff like this is almost all I used to write, which sucks, as I no longer believe in far-left politics like this (although I am certainly no right-winger). There's also a lot of idealism in here that I now roll my eyes at. Whatever, this phase is were I really learned my shit with writing lyrics.

I wouldn't call that far left in any way, shape or form. Saying the media is shit, speaking out against environmental abuse (if that was one of the messages), and talking about how the government tries to essentially control people isn't far left at all, it sounds a like more like you just have your head on straight and aren't a douchebag. Far left would be if you said fuck all this, let's go to 100% communism, or something similar

_________________Music For The Dead Death, doom, black, grind, and more. New albums out from Eternal Oblivion and Devourer in the Mist.

Thanks a ton, Tony! And no offense taken. In fact, I find it a great compliment when other English speakers compliment my language skills, as I always try to improve them

Regarding flow; I can see where you're coming from, but considering that those lyrics are to be growled, it won't really be a problem, or well, at least I didn't stumble upon any vocal bumps while singing them.

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Nochielo wrote:

Crick wrote:

Years from now, no one will remember Gandhi. They will speak only of Fenriz.

Here are a couple of songs I'm working on - no where near complete yet, as I'm focusing on the riffs in both cases for the moment, with these lyrics basically just containing the ideas I want.

"Spymaster"Coat yourself in the shadowsAnd tread with silent stepsGazing out through two glass eyesAbove coin, greed or sexTime runs out, its ticking downPestilence creeps nearBut you manipulate the townsAnd reafirm your frontier

No one shall hear the cries of your fateYou go un-whisperedStories of kingdoms, of kings and queensThe ends forget the means

Oh Spymaster, what shall we knowWhen they write historyWill we ever know ofThe conspiraciesPlucked by your handFrom the shadowsSpymaster, you've done everythingTo ensure we're never toldOf the deeds that forged this landBut as the age endsAnd you get oldWas it all according to plan?

For a hundred years I have been seekingA power beyond all mortal manFor the words and signalsTo complete my demented plan

I studied the ancient waysI learnt the sacred tonguesI brought forth my reasearchFor science and magicks are one

Speak for the devilIn my wicked waysDwelling in the labUntil the last daysSpeak for the devilAnd never look backBecause I'm further than hellCut loose from the packRitualhead!

As the test chamber opensThe subject squirms, she shakesA beauty beyond the humanA new form she will takeI swear a sacred vowSpeaking to those behind the veilCalculations completeAnd breasts pierced with nails

Commanding the scripturesThrough constant experimentsLearning the craftsOf the diseased and decadentMy life-force has witheredAs I devote myself to theeCrafting the flesh ofA new and perfect breed

And here are the first two stanzas of a project I'm working on. It's mostly dark imagery without much reliance on literal meaning. The direction I'm going in is atmospheric/progressive black metal. So, what do y'all think?

The Promise of Catharsis

At the precipice of knowing allEntities crawl feebly on the vergeas silhouettes enslave those who came to feedWith cathartic promises withdrawn

Obscured voices cry from on highAs vultures feast on halos of carrionContorted echoes removed from this transient planeAwaken the primordial dawn

Verses for a song i'm working on called "Love for the Damned". The project is black/gothic oriented, and this particular song has erotic tinged lyrics.

An angel in the heavensCommitting sins unforgiveableNow fallen to EarthWith her grand wings still intactYou fallen angel,spread your soft wings for meUncover what lies beneathThat sinful nectar that I seeAn act of eternal damnationCannot break our embraceBe immersed with my fleshLet us lust for one another

With an angelic graceShe takes my body, ever so softlyUnbaptized, yet her soul is wetIn the moment that our bodies metThis time of lust we shall not repentA cardinal sinThat we will not regret

She will burn with meIn the eternity of hellfireWith this damned soulI shall have one last trystBefore our plunge into incinerationA suffering we have never felt beforeWill be the strongest sadism we have ever enduredAll for this one act of lustShe stays pressed against my chestAs we begin our final descent

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hippiedrow wrote:

I remember back when Beyond the Permafrost came out. I was eating a lot of Asian wok-style foods, so now whenever Skeletonwitch is mentioned I get the pleasant taste of noodles in my mouth.

And here are the first two stanzas of a project I'm working on. It's mostly dark imagery without much reliance on literal meaning. The direction I'm going in is atmospheric/progressive black metal. So, what do y'all think?

The Promise of Catharsis

At the precipice of knowing allEntities crawl feebly on the vergeas silhouettes enslave those who came to feedWith cathartic promises withdrawn

Obscured voices cry from on highAs vultures feast on halos of carrionContorted echoes removed from this transient planeAwaken the primordial dawn

These are really well written, and fit well with the direction you're going in. "Awaken the Primordial Dawn", I like that line, sounds like it foreshadows the song becoming more intensified, musically and lyrically

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hippiedrow wrote:

I remember back when Beyond the Permafrost came out. I was eating a lot of Asian wok-style foods, so now whenever Skeletonwitch is mentioned I get the pleasant taste of noodles in my mouth.

These are the lyrics to an acoustic, signer songwriter type song I'm working on right now. Much less insane and hateful than others I've posted in this thread in the past.

I woke up this morning with an empty heart Piecing together my last few nights I’ll get up in a moment To collect the scattered bottles All around my room And all my thoughts Will come together To form a perfect circle of breathless anger

I ask you, beg you, answer me thisWhat is so wrong with lonelinessSeasons go by, cutting me to the boneAnd I drink this whiskey all alone

Lady death hums softlyInfusing the air with narcotic desireWhere have gone The days of my life Was I asleep All this time How did I miss the twilight of my youth How many sunrises And sunsets Have I forgotten to witness

I ask you, beg you, answer me thisWhat is so wrong with lonelinessSeasons go by, cutting me to the boneAnd I drink this whiskey all alone

Everywhere I look I see blank faces Reflecting the longing Of my heart All of them Faces that I’ll never come to know To love I wander crowded streets As though they were vacant Never knowing What friendship meansI can see the days flow As I try to embrace their afterglow Yet never find the reason For my loneliness

Yeah, most likely, as it doesn't seem like you're tryng hard to emulate those guys. You have your own voice dude, and that's awesome. Always liked your lyrics, though I gotta admit, seeing such a personal, down to earth piece written by you is quite surprising.

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Nochielo wrote:

Crick wrote:

Years from now, no one will remember Gandhi. They will speak only of Fenriz.

Fog rises from the tombsBlanketing the town in a veil of deathThe church bells ringingSignalling the coming stormTownsfolk locking themselves in their homesHiding from the unholy coming

The avalanche of evil tumbles down the mountainsRacing towards the small northern townIt hidden in the cover of darknessNature falling before itAs in medevil Europe

It slams into the townDestroying all that it touchesWood and stone fill the skyShoot out into the night

Roofs ripped off of housesBodies sucked up into the skyThey being ripped to shredsTheir blood falling like snow

As it roars through the once life full townIt barrels towards the sacred houseThe deathly winds slicing into the churchObliterating it almost immediatelyThe bell thrown into the skyThe cross slammed down into the mud

As night gives way to a new dawnThe early rays of light shine down on the townIlluminating the ruin of the black deathThe beast dissipating back to which it cameOnly to return and reap again

Fog rises from the tombsBlanketing the town in a veil of deathThe church bells ringingSignalling the coming stormTownsfolk locking themselves in their homesHiding from the unholy coming

The avalanche of evil tumbles down the mountainsRacing towards the small northern townIt hidden in the cover of darknessNature falling before itAs in medevil Europe

It slams into the townDestroying all that it touchesWood and stone fill the skyShoot out into the night

Roofs ripped off of housesBodies sucked up into the skyThey being ripped to shredsTheir blood falling like snow

As it roars through the once life full townIt barrels towards the sacred houseThe deathly winds slicing into the churchObliterating it almost immediatelyThe bell thrown into the skyThe cross slammed down into the mud

As night gives way to a new dawnThe early rays of light shine down on the townIlluminating the ruin of the black deathThe beast dissipating back to which it cameOnly to return and reap again

I think you have a good central idea going on there, but in order to make more "flowing" verses, try to watch how many syllables you use in each line of lyrics. For example, if you have 13 syllables in one line, 8 in the next, then 10 in the third, it's hard to find the flow/speed that you should read them in. But like I said, you have a good idea going--it just needs to be reworded in some areas I think. : )

Ok, so I've been working on a new song--it's pretty long, too. It's just over 7 minutes long. Parts of it might sound a little weird, but it was written to music. These are the lyrics I just got done writing, but it's still a work in progress. It's inspired by "A Princess of Mars" by Edgar Rice Burroughs, a novel written in 1912 that also inspired the recent Disney flop, "John Carter". Let me know what you think.

Mountains cloak the sun, and now I'm losing lightThe warmth of the air is fading, inside I'm losing lifeRelentless foes unsatisfied with wounds already dealtChased through the desert I begin to lose my health

This is it, the escape of the deadThe cold comes in and takes my breath awayAway from harm, I found my living tombI seek a life, without miseryBut misery will always find it's way

Consumed, I fall into the deepest sleepWith fists unclenched, I feel I've reached the end

Silence falls over meCascading is my blood like the seaNow death comes for me!Like a ghost, I left my battered soulCarried on, to a place I do not know

This is it, the escape of the deadThe cold comes in and takes my breath awayAway from harm, I've found my living tombI seek a life without miseryBut misery will always find it's way

Do I dream, or am I dead? I must go on to find the truth.The ground is red, my body's light-and I'm nowhere near where I "died"

As night falls, I'm on my hands and kneesMore sure than ever that I'm on a different worldI look to the skies, and I see where I should beA man in a cloak appears in front of meHe says to me "you're lost and it's time to leave"With the thrust of his dagger I was sent back to my tombDecayed, but still alive, covered by years of dustCursed with endless wonder, I seek ways to return

It's really hard for me to say whether or not someone else's lyrics are good, especially since I don't particularly listen to the type of metal most of the above lyrics seem to be for... yet. But I do have my own lyrics I would like a bit of feedback on.

Queen of the dark daysPrincess of the shadow's raysMaiden made in ironHypnotizing Siren

In a bed made of leavesSurrounded by greeneryJust who could she be?She's a goddess to me...

With red eyes!I'm paralyzed!Look into her eyes!You see love lies...

Mistress to the dyingLovely tongues a'lyingNow, my love, I'm cryingThere's no point in denying

Lost to my sensesLet down my defensesKeep sanity reelingFrom this darkened feeling

red eyes!paralyze me nowred eyes!hypnotize me howI like!

To remain for nowWhy, just show me howYou become my queenI become unseen

Your reddened eyesMaddening to viewNo paradiseResides in you

Red Eyes...

Filthy pleasuresI can't treasureMakes me feel sickYou are a trick

Of the light...

red eyes!paralyze me nowred eyes!hypnotize me howI like!

To remain for nowWhy, just show me howYou become my queenAnd all my mind will need