DMX: Live from Colorado Springs

In case you couldn’t tell from the scheduled MMA debacle, we’re onto a whole new season of Crack Attack Jack on BBC America in conjunction with The Ghetto’s Finest News Source. This week we get our hero, DMX, reacting to security putting the kabash on a performance at the Colorado community center featured on South Park.

As if watching DMX’s entourage and community center security fight over his hollow shell weren’t enough, as that was a show unto itself, the Dark Man has a fan-ready response to the melee-slash-debacle.

“F*CK THEM SHAKY F*GGOT ASS PROMOTERS!!! SORRY MY FANS IN COLORADO!! I TRIED MY BEST, BUT THIS INDUSTRY IS FULL OF BULLSH*T….PS – F*CK A F*GGOT A** PUNK POLICE PIG…I AM THE LAW”

Who the fuck is DMX’s manager and why is he allowed to have a Twitter account? You know damn well that nigga is gonna confess to a murder on the shit one day.

“FUCK!!! DOG!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED BUT THIS STRIPPER LOOK DEAD!!! SHORTY WAS LOOKIN RIGHT A MINUTE AGO!!!”

–DMX via Twitter, sometime in the future

Here’s the real question. Why am I not following DMX? Hmmm… Be right back. *runs to follow DMX*

I love how DMX tweets in all caps, as you’d imagine. The account looks hella fake, but SOHH reported a story using it as a basis, so the shit must be real, right?

But, I digress. “Fuck a faggot ass punk police pig?!” “I am the law?!”That’s the X I know! Grrrrr. ARF! ARF! I guess that’s why his saga is The Neverending Story of fail. He rides Falcor nightly to a place no one else can go. I get it. This is probably why X thinks he’s de-llawwww, on some Judge Dredd shit.

Maybe I shouldn’t be kicking a dog while he’s down, right? Perhaps his management and the promoters never told X the specifics of his performance agreement in a frequency dogs [pron: crackheads] are able to hear. “Performance at 9PM” might have translated to “Yes. Smoke that woolah,” or may not have registered as sound altogether.

Niggas have to abide by rules and shit, even when they are former megastars getting paid to perform. I’m not defending the highly unprofessional rent-a-cops who seemed to get a real kick out of fucking with DMX and his merry band of miscreants. But maybe community centers have to close after a certain time and when you show up at 11:30 instead of 9, you might not be allowed to rock.

Damn, rock? Sorry. That was a poor choice of words there. Also, I don’t know if this is really a community center. It’s just got familiar symptoms of a community center, like all the damn lights being on. I bet that only added to X’s confusion and subsequent frenzy.

If you were in the Colorado Springs area the night of Crack Attack Jack – Season 7, Episode 2 and can shed some light on what the fuck we’re seeing and reading, please feel free to holler at a nigga.