Hey so your first task is to handle these patients that came in with diet problems. I thought this would be an easy starting point. Everyone knows about food unless you're an alien or a robot. Even then I think you should probably know about food. Anyways, here are the patients. I included the links to the posts so I could respond to them properly later. I trust you won't cheat.

Anonymous Wrote:I've eaten three full pies (on top of everything else) in the past 5 days. How can I detox?
I'm normally not a fan of detoxing or "crash dieting" but for the past five days, my diet has been shamefully atrocious. I'm embarrassed to admit even anonymously that I've demolished 2 pecan pies and 1 apple pie IN ADDITION TO normal meals AND chocolates and baklava :( I don't know about apple pie, but one slice of the pecan pie was 585 calories, 27 grams of fat and something like 60 grams of sugar. There were 8 servings in a pie and remember I HAD TWO OF THEM, plus an apple pie :( I feel so horrible about myself. So I think I really owe it to my poor body to thoroughly detox. I want to do it the right way though. I'd love to lose this weight I've gained but more importantly, I want to flush my system out. How can I properly detox? I am literally willing to try/do anything, including fasting if that's what it takes to detox. I never want to eat sugar again :( By the way, I'm an adult so my metabolism is not what it used to be... Thanks for your answers and happy holidays everyone.
Update: That's 9,360 calories of pecan pie alone.... OMG :(

Consider rapid aging to aid in your butt chin endeavors. Stress can help with both the getting fat and aging parts, and thus make the fullest butt chin you can muster.

>I've eaten three full pies (on top of everything else) in the past 5 days. How can I detox?

Here's a tip that not many know about because most doctors want to keep it a secret... when you are preparing the pies, put laxatives in them. That way everything that goes into your mouth will be shat out immediately afterwards. All the benefits of delicious pie, with none of the fattening! Don't do this if you want to grow a butt-chin though it will be counterproductive.

if your milk tasted bad bad, it was likely provided to you by a cow who died whilst being milked. its vengeful spirit will continue to hex all dairy you drink. stick to healthier beverages like water and red bull

Anonymous Wrote:I've eaten three full pies (on top of everything else) in the past 5 days. How can I detox?
I'm normally not a fan of detoxing or "crash dieting" but for the past five days, my diet has been shamefully atrocious. I'm embarrassed to admit even anonymously that I've demolished 2 pecan pies and 1 apple pie IN ADDITION TO normal meals AND chocolates and baklava :( I don't know about... show more
Update: That's 9,360 calories of pecan pie alone.... OMG :(

pecan pie and apple pie together make a dangerous toxin. you have to act quickly to treat it; i hope this message gets to you before it's too late. you'll need to drink chamomile tea with a pinch of cayenne pepper twice daily. keep that up for about a week and your intestines may survive.

WHO KNOWS WHEN THAT NEXT KILLING GAME WILL EVEN START? PROBABLY NEVER! I MIGHT AS WELL OCCUPY THE TIME BY APPEASING THESE MORTALS' ULTIMATELY PETTY PROBLEMS!

1. YOU JUST GO ALL OUT AND CHUG THE ENTIRE CARTON! YOU GET TO SEE SOME FUNKY STUFF YOU WOULDN'T NORMALLY SEE, LIKE A GIRLFRIEND!

2. LITTLE KNOWN TO THE PUBLIC EYE, GAINING WEIGHT ACTUALLY HELPS YOU ASCEND TO A HIGHER STATE OF EVOLUTION! YOUR SOCIAL SKILLS WILL GO THROUGH THE ROOF, AND THE LADIES WILL BE SO MAD FOR YOU THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO HIDE IN YOUR MOTHER'S BASEMENT AND WEAR A PROTECTIVE FEDORA! IT'LL WORK, TRUST ME!

3. I'LL LET YOU IN A LITTLE SECRET: IF YOU DRAW A PI SYMBOL IN BLOOD YOU'LL SUMMON MY GOOD FRIEND, THE PIED PIPER! HE'LL SNATCH THE PIES RIGHT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM, BUT IT MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE YOU TO SPONTANEOUSLY RECITE THE FIRST 500 DIGITS OF PI EVERY MARCH 14TH! TAKE IT FROM ME, THAT'LL TEACH ME NEVER TO STEAL FROM THE QUANTUM BAKERY AGAIN.

1. You'll pee it back out, but it's going to be hard. When milk goes bad it starts getting all goopy and that doesn't go through your stomach well. But eventually you'll have the feeling of needing to take a big piss and all that sludge will just come out.

2. That's because you're sitting down too much. Instead of sitting in your computer chair to write on yahoo or sitting at a table to eat, try doing the air chair. It's a technique where you assume the sitting position but there's nothing underneath you. Kinda of like an invisible chair but you have to hold yourself up. Do this and your butt will be chinless forever.

3. Detoxing is nearly as dangerous as forcing yourself to throw up your food. DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE THAT'S TRYING TO GIVE YOU A SILLY/DANGEROUS IDEA. Instead, you need to very careful balance out your body. Eat some meals that have a lot of salt, which cancels out the sugar. This will get all of that sugar neutralized in your body before you have a chance to metabolize it all. I recommend being very generous with salt on all of your next meals, whatever they are. After that you have to deal with all of the calories. According to science calories are kinda like energy storage for your body, so to get rid of them all you have to do is use a lot of energy, but it doesn't mean like exercise. Just keep yourself exhausted all day for a few days. Wave your arms around while you are sitting and doing nothing, keep moving your legs in place instead of standing still. My favorite is to just do a dance when I'm out and about, it's fun and sometimes other people join in or offer tips. And the final step is to flush out the rest. This part is easy, all you gotta do is take really hot showers. Ever notice how in a hot shower you relax and can feel your skin open up and even sometimes have to go to the bathroom? That's because your muscles and ligaments relax with the heat and let out all of the nasty stuff they keep gathering. You end up secreting everything out and it gets washed away, kinda like sweat. But it has to be a long shower that's hot enough to be mildly uncomfortable, so don't skimp out and try to finish in 5 minutes!

Patient 1: The proper procedure is to immediately remove all traces of the milk from your system. The only way to be sure is to surgically remove your entire digestive system. This is difficult to accomplish on your own, so I would recommend getting the help of a trusted friend.

Patient 2: Yes, yes it can. If you want to avoid this, make sure to do daily chin workouts.

Patient 3: The best way to handle this is to eat more sugar. Build up a tolerance until you have an immunity to it. Then you'll be able to detox because you can no longer absorb the toxins in the first place!

@1 You'd probably get sick if you drank bad milk. If it's bad enough, you could die.

@2 Don't worry, your chin is safe. But you might gain multiple chins.

@3 Just eat right at exercise, it's the only way. No sense in obsessing over your mistakes, just learn from them and move on.

“Naturally, the workers are perfectly free; the manufacturer does not force them to take his materials and his cards, but he says to them..'If you don't like to be frizzled in my frying- pan, you can take a walk into the fire.” -Friedrich Engels

If your milk is just old, it is probably not bad. This is called yogurt and millions eat it every day. You'll be fine. In fact, you should go all out and chug the entire carton, you might get to see some funky stuff you normally wouldn't, like a girlfriend. Milk really can't be bad because otherwise it'd be bad for our mom's breasts and they'd be dead therefore no women, so we wouldn't exist.

However, it is possible that if your milk tasted bad bad it was provided to you by a cow who died whilst being milked. Its vengeful spirit will continue to hex all dairy you drink. Stick to healthier beverages like water and red bull. You'll pee it back out, but it's going to be hard. Eventually you'll have the feeling of needing to take a big piss and all that sludge will just come out. The proper procedure is to immediately remove all traces of milk from your system. The only way to be sure is to surgically remove your entire digestive system. This is difficult to accomplish on your own, so I would recommend getting the help of a trusted friend. If it's bad enough, you could die.

Quote:Hi kaitlynn,

The short answer is yes! If your name is Peter or your wife is called Lois, yeah, you're going to grow a butt chin, and a butt too, careful with that. You might even gain multiple chins.

The long answer is stress can help with both the getting fat and aging parts, and thus make the fullest butt chin you can muster. Little known to the public eye, gaining weight actually helps you ascend to a higher state of evolution! Your social skills will go through the roof, and the ladies will be so mad for you that you'll have to hide in your mother's basement and wear a protective fedora. If you want to avoid this, make sure to do daily chin workouts. Instead of sitting in your computer chair to write on yahoo or sitting at a table to eat, try doing the air chair. It's a technique where you assume the sitting position but there's nothing underneath you. Kinda of like an invisible chair but you have to hold yourself up. Do this and your butt will be chinless forever.

Quote:Man, why you eatin 5 full pies my bro?

Pecan pie and apple pie together make a dangerous toxin. You have to act quickly to treat it; I hope this message gets to you before it's too late.

Here are a few different methods that might be able to help you:
1. You'll need to drink chamomile tea with a pinch of cayenne pepper twice daily. Keep that up for a week and your intestines might survive.
2. Detoxing is nearly as dangerous as forcing yourself to throw up your food. Instead, you need to very careful balance out your body. Eat some meals that have a lot of salt, which cancels out the sugar. This will get all of that sugar neutralized in your body before you have a chance to metabolize it all. I recommend being very generous with salt on all of your next meals, whatever they are. After that you have to deal with all of the calories. According to science calories are kinda like energy storage for your body, so to get rid of them all you have to do is use a lot of energy, but it doesn't mean like exercise. Just keep yourself exhausted all day for a few days. Wave your arms around while you are sitting and doing nothing, keep moving your legs in place instead of standing still. My favorite is to just do a dance when I'm out and about, it's fun and sometimes other people join in or offer tips. And the final step is to flush out the rest. This part is easy, all you gotta do is take really hot showers. Ever notice how in a hot shower you relax and can feel your skin open up and even sometimes have to go to the bathroom? That's because your muscles and ligaments relax with the heat and let out all of the nasty stuff they keep gathering. You end up secreting everything out and it gets washed away, kinda like sweat. But it has to be a long shower that's hot enough to be mildly uncomfortable, so don't skimp out and try to finish in 5 minutes!
3. IF YOU DRAW A PI SYMBOL IN BLOOD YOU'LL SUMMON MY GOOD FRIEND, THE PIED PIPER! HE'LL SNATCH THE PIES RIGHT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM, BUT IT MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE YOU TO SPONTANEOUSLY RECITE THE FIRST 500 DIGITS OF PI EVERY MARCH 14TH! TAKE IT FROM ME, THAT'LL TEACH ME NEVER TO STEAL FROM THE QUANTUM BAKERY AGAIN.
4. Just eat right at exercise, it's the only way. No sense in obsessing over your mistakes, just learn from them and move on.

If you want to avoid this in the future, here's a tip that not many know about because most doctors want to keep it a secret... when you are preparing the pies, put laxatives in them. That way everything that goes into your mouth will be pooped out immediately afterwards. All the benefits of delicious pie, with none of the fattening! Don't do this if you want to grow a butt-chin though it will be counterproductive.

You can also build up a tolerance until you have an immunity to it. Then you'll be able to detox because you can no longer absorb the toxins in the first place!

They have all been posted and my current rating with Yahoo Hospital has risen to 107 points. Thanks for your continued help.