4. Be serious. Unless they’re joking around. If I want a straight answer, I want a straight answer.

5. Ask questions. Nothing is more awkward than saying “oh yeah I want to be an accountant when I grow up” and having them not respond because you didn’t ask “what about you?” or because, really, what can you say to that?

6. Talk about exotic places. And what you would do if you live there. I don’t know about you, but if I lived in London and had unlimited cash (because my cohort in crime hunted down a leprechaun [to have as a pet] in Ireland and took money from it – uh, haven’t had this conversation before, nope…), I would definitely buy a truck-load of Maltesers and Toblerone.

7. Pretend like you’re talking with a friend. It’s much easier to talk about random stuff (like making London guards laugh and re-naming Jamaica “JAMaica”) than to freak out about saying the wrong thing or not.

It was just another ordinary weekend, where I was going to volunteer at the library because I didn’t go the previous week. What happened next changed everything. The night before, my parents had gone out with my dad’s friend and family who are visiting from Slovakia (wishful thinking, maybe they’re still here). My dad had told us that we were going on a day trip with them, and I had decided that 5 hours in the car was not my thing. Well, let’s just say that when their car pulled up in front of our house, IT WAS DEFINITELY MY THING. This gorgeous angel of a boy? man? stepped out of the car. I was secretly (okay, maybe not so secretly) watching them pull up from my bedroom window (read: gaping at his wonderfulness). It was then that I decided to run downstairs and greet them. Well, my parents DID NOT inform me that this family had two gorgeous sons (I later found out that they have 5/6 kids, and they’re probably all as gorgeous. Jealousy). I proceeded to act like an awkward person who can’t answer anyone’s questions and just stands around staring at the aforementioned hot guys. Now, everyone was getting ready to leave for the day trip, and I decided “screw the library, I’m going on a 5 hour day trip with these hot guys! Sign me up!”

Well, the real awkwardness didn’t start until we got in the car. I was with the younger of the sons (not the Supercalifragilisticexpialidociously hot one, but still super cute). Maybe I forgot to mention that he’s like 6′ tall and we have a Prius? That… didn’t work out too well. Anyways, we spoke absolutely zero words to each other, seeing as he only speaks Slovak (a few words of English too, but that doesn’t count). I soon noticed that whenever I said something to my mom (to somehow add to the conversation my mom and his mom were having), he looked at me. And when they started talking again, HE WAS STILL LOOKING AT ME. Suspicious. Also, when he fell asleep, he was a mere few inches from me. Drool.

We were halfway through our roadtrip (could it be called that? It was more like “drive 3 hours to see a pointless landmark I had never heard of and then drive back to our house”) at the aforementioned pointless landmark, which happened to be a bridge. A colossal, old, vibrating-when-cars-drive-across bridge. And it was foggy, to build the suspense (or something). We were all hiking back up to our car (we had ended up underneath it) when I asked my mom? the air? God? (I hope I didn’t look like a psycho talking to myself) what would happen if the bridge FELL ON US (pretend I’m talking in an ominous voice). Then the hot guys’ mom asked the younger son “what would happen if the bridge fell” (or something like that. It was in Slovak, give me some credit here). He then replied “that’s what she just said” (again in Slovak)… OH MY GOD CAN HE ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? HAS HE BEEN UNDERSTANDING EVERYTHING WE SAID IN THE CAR?!

On the way back home, we went to a restaurant and ordered lunch. Both of the sons got tea (faint) but the older/more angelic son got Earl Grey (*cough* mothballs *cough*) and the younger got Peppermint (faint again). As if I didn’t need any more reminding that American boys suck and are the most immature people on the planet. Slovak boys order tea (maybe they’re secretly British). And hot cocoa, the most wonderful product to grace the planet Earth.

When we got back to their hotel to drop them off, we all got out of the car and hugged (hugging hot guys? Sign me up)… ya, this is when it got awkward. First I hugged the parents, and then came the boys. Do I hug them? Shake their hands? I decided to shake the younger son’s hand first. I then proceeded to shake the older/more angelic son’s hand, but he had something else in mind… A HUG. What was I supposed to do in this situation?! I did the awkward thing and stuck with a handshake and then immediately walked away from him (after saying goodbye of course). This is a reminder of why I don’t know many guys.