Dog Horoscopes: What Your Canine’s Sign Really Means

Our dogs’ inner lives may sometimes mystify us—one day, he’s plucky; the next, he’s lost in thought. When a treat and a belly rub doesn’t cut it, why not turn to the sun, moon, and stars for answers? If you’re curious how your pooch’s astrological sign might reveal his hidden dreams, fears, and agendas, read on to explore our astral collection of dog horoscopes.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Now is the time to recognize the difference between going on a walk and being taken for a walk. Between your raw animal magnetism and inherent friskiness, you’re a natural-born pack leader. Just don’t let your commanding spirit steer you toward trouble. Tipping over that garbage can and rolling in the stink may seem like a fine idea, but remember: actions have consequences, and they can be severe. Unless you’re prepared to sit in a bubble bath without protest or mortification, consider your next moves carefully.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re all about treating others the way you wish to be treated. And you want to be treated a lot, preferably with a hefty amount of a delicious cheese product. In return for these tasty rewards, you’ll show your loyalty and dependability by serving up unsolicited snuggles and lovable licks. If treats happen to come your way after bestowing affection, you will accept them with the gracious gustatory delight so common to your sign.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

For you, life is all about having a ball—preferably one that fits comfortably in your mouth and can be retrieved over and over again. What’s more, your inherent curiosity makes you a natural at unraveling life’s mysteries, from “Why am I here?” to “What is the most expedient way to get the kibble out of this KONG?” As for your much-heralded gift of gab, deploy it with care—not everyone will appreciate hearing you bark about the mosquito that buzzed by your snout at 3 a.m.

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Do you feel all the feelings? That’s so like a Cancer. If your people are happy, you’re happy. But if they’re having a bad day, you should be ready, willing, and able to tap into your inner emotional therapy dog and make it better. Whether you’re gazing up at them with soulful peepers or laying your favorite chew toy at their feet, you’ll know just the right heartstring to tug (and no, that doesn’t mean we’re playing a game of tug right now).

Leo (July 23-August 22)

If there were an all-doggie NFL team, you would be the quarterback. You’re the charming center around which everyone revolves. When you bark, people listen, and they’re eager to do your bidding. You would feel equally at ease trotting around the ring at Westminster or wallowing in a patch of sunlight. But be careful not to take advantage of the powerful allure you possess. Resist the urge to demand more than your share, even if it means cutting short a belly rub that hits just the right leg-thumping spot.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Unlike those canines who fall under less discriminating signs, you won’t jump for joy or offer slobbery kisses to just anyone. You prefer to get to know people on your own terms before they’re granted a taste of your exuberant tail-wagging and/or saliva. After all, how will they know how much you care if your affections are handed out willy-nilly? Just don’t take the cool act too far, or else you might find yourself commiserating with the aloof family cat.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

For you, alone is an unnatural state. You thrive on companionship and love nothing more than a trip to the park, preferably with the windows down so you can feel the breeze on your fuzzy face. But be mindful of your dependent tendencies. Before you bark, howl, or eat the sofa because you suddenly find yourself solo, stop and think: Have my beloved people ever left me and not returned? Repeat this affirmation as necessary until you are comforted or your family returns, at long last, for welcome snuggles.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

You may be known for your stubbornness, but that’s why you succeed. For Scorpios, failure is not an option. When others might be discouraged after repeatedly trying to fit a five-foot-long stick through a four-foot-wide door, you persevere. Didn’t make that jump onto the couch the first eight times? No. 9 for the win! Like the Goonies, you never say die, even at the risk of injury or viral video embarrassment.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You are the life of the party (a social animal, if you will) and can always be counted on to brighten up a room with your smile (and by smile, we mean butt-wiggling tail action). You’re also an adventurer who’s eager to pursue whatever catches your eye, whether it’s a neighbor’s bell-wearing kitty or a bright-eyed squirrel making a beeline for the nearest tree. Just heed our advice: Don’t chase after anything you can’t outrun.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You’re not one to act impulsively. You’re pragmatic and take the time to assess a situation. If food drops in front of you, you always ask, “Do I want that liver treat, or do I need that liver treat?” While others may conduct amorous displays in public places, you keep your liaisons discreet (that’s what doggie beds are for). But keep in mind that life is short, and so is your leash, so indulge in as many butt sniffs as you can, while you can.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You’ve looked around recently and thought, “I want to make my world a better place.” Go with that altruistic instinct, but ensure your goals are attainable. You don’t need to achieve world peace. Just don’t leave the mail in pieces. Solving the world’s water crisis? Maybe start by getting some of the H20 from your bowl into your mouth instead of all over the floor. And don’t worry about ending famine. Just don’t run off with the Thanksgiving turkey. Again.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Positive astral vibrations promise to deliver you heaps of happiness, fine emotional balance, and ear scratches in abundance. But joy comes with a price. Be wary of trickster souls who may try to lead you on a wild chase. They’ll pretend to throw the thing you want most, only to keep it in hand and laugh as you pursue nothingness. If you let it, this betrayal could shake your trust in people. Instead, learn from this act of treachery and resolve to run only when you see the coveted object take flight.