FAIL: Weezer, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, ASCAP

Weezer to Team Up with Ryan Adams: Set Expectations Bar to "Low": Remember when Bryan Adams teamed up with Rod Stewart and Sting on that song "All For Love" on the Three Musketeers soundtrack? We bring it up not to once again give Ryan Adams shit about his name, but to point out that all three individuals involved in that song had previously released music worth listening to, yet when they got together, the result was pretty much a disappointing mess.

Adams is collaborating with Weezer on one song for their next album, and despite the fact that Rivers Cuomo is enthusiastically gushing about how badass it is, our expectations are pretty low. Both performers have turned in great material in the past, we won't deny that. Weezer's Pinkerton and Adams' Cold Roses are two of our favorite summer albums, in fact. The ratio of good-to-bad, however, is not encouraging.

Rocks Off had trouble paying attention to any of the three zillion so-so albums Adams has released since Roses, and Weezer basically spent the past ten years disowning their excellent first two albums and struggling to come up with something, anything, that doesn't aggressively suck. So does this pairing have the potential to yield a very good song? Yes. But so did the team of Bryan, Sting and Rod. We're not getting our hopes up.

Mariah Carey Stiffs Her Dog Groomer; Line for "Doggystyle" Jokes Is to Your Left: See, because grooming a dog can also be referred to as granting that "doggy" style, which just happens to be homonymous with a pretty standard type of sex act. Get it? Every other writer covering this story is hoping you do. Anyway, Mariah Carey's pet groomer is claiming Carey owes her $30,000 for pet care, which may seem exorbitant, but remember this is famous-people money, so it translates to about $300 in real-person money.

The groomer claims to have spent all day, every day, caring for Carey's three Jack Russell terriers, Cha-Cha, JJ, and Dolomite - sweet Jesus, those names - while she was in L.A. shooting Precious Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire a Lee Daniels Film Starring Gabourey Sidibe Sponsored By Lipton Iced Tea. Really, it's the groomer's own fault. Everyone who deals with Mariah Carey should know that you make her pay up front, because the lady is batshit crazy and unless you supervise her swiping her credit card, she may try to pay you in rubies or exotic birds or shiny things she's found around her house or whatever it is crazy people collect.

Letting her run a tab is like letting your senile grandfather head off to the corner store to buy a set of specific items with no list. You don't know what he's coming back with, or if he's even coming back at all.