We have two cats, and one of them, Merle, is a shaggy long-haired black beast. And I mean, really shaggy, and shedding constantly. Our first defense against burglary, I think, is the thick clouds of cat fur floating through the atmosphere in our house.

Well, last week, I had enough. I opened the freezer in our kitchen and discovered that all the ice cubes were matted with black hairy clumps. It was disgusting. I’ve told Merle over and over that if she’s going to sneak into the good Scotch behind my back, fine, but she’s going to drink it neat, like a civilized person. So now I’ve taken care of her.

I took her into the vet and had her shaved. She’s not very happy right now. Our other cat, Midnight, is making it worse by prowling around her and making a funny snickering noise. The poodle-like tufts are particularly ignominious, I think.

Anyway, now you know — if you visit my house and violate our mores, there will be punishment.