By the way, I know that a few mutual friends have already said to her, "Hey, get a Nexus card already!!"

I don't think it's fair for her to ask for a ride and expect everyone to wait hours when she's the only one without a pass. She's not entitled or snowflakey, but neither are the rest of you. If it's a financial thing maybe you could all pitch in $5 toward helping her get one. If she just doesn't want one, well, that'd be that and I wouldn't feel bad declining to drive her.

The wait at the border during peak periods doesn't sound like much fun - more like a traffic jam. They could delay the trip until a non peak period (if there is one). There are also lots of other ways OP can enjoy time with her friend, shop, etc.

I don't understand why OP's friend won't sign up for the card. If it wasn't a shopping trip they re on, I'd be wondering if it was a financial issue. Is it possible she wouldn't meet whatever eligibility criteria they have for the card and doesn't want to talk about why? If it's a can't rather than a won't get the card, I'd be more sympathetic. You get to wait two hours because I can't be bothered getting the card? Not so much.

I have a question about the wait for crossing. I cross the border frequently and isn't the majority of the wait (or at least 1/2) of it spent creeping over the bridge until you can get to the right hand side to pull into the Nexus only lane? So while the wait to cross is 2 hours, you may be only waiting 30 minutes longer than you would have if you had been able to go in the Nexus lane? That doesn't seem unreasonable to wait. But I do understand that having waited 2 hours, another 30 minutes seems to take forever.

I'd actually say something to her about how you want to go to the states, but because it is the holiday season you don't want have to wait an extra hour and really want to go with nexus holders only this time. Be honest.

I have a question about the wait for crossing. I cross the border frequently and isn't the majority of the wait (or at least 1/2) of it spent creeping over the bridge until you can get to the right hand side to pull into the Nexus only lane?

We're on the west coast. No bridge. But I'll admit that sometimes the Nexus line is just as backed up. Last time though, I felt like a celebrity just going past the other huge line and being waved through. Heheh. OK maybe I will look for an off-peak time after the holiday season, and say why. "Why don't we go in January some time? I don't really want to go down there during the holiday rush unless I can use the Nexus lane...."

It never occurred to me about holiday shoppers though. Good point. I know it's a lot worse at weekends, especially long weekends. I don't know if there's a mad rush to do Christmas shopping at this time of year - there is only so much you're allowed to bring back without paying duty anyway.

By the way, I know that a few mutual friends have already said to her, "Hey, get a Nexus card already!!"

Do you know what her reply was to these friends? It sounds like she's missing out on possible trips with those mutual friends as well as you because of her lack of this Nexus card.

Apparently many/all of your friends know she doesn't have one, so I wouldn't suggest you pretend otherwise in any conversation. Don't pretend she has one or will be getting one when/if you talk to her. I feel most of these suggestions read like you're pressuring her to buy one, like some sort of pushy sales person. It sounds like you're good friends, couldn't you just ask her why she hasn't/can't/won't get one? It seems like she hasn't really given any explanations on why not, maybe because it's always asked in a jokey way?

Since she's asking for a trip with just the two of you, it pretty much becomes that she's asking you for a favor.. of waiting 2hrs in customs so she can go to the US. She knows you have the card, she knows you can skip the line and she's asking you regardless. I think this gives you an opening to seriously ask her about the card, but since it takes a few months to process, it's really a moot point for now/this trip.

I get that waiting in line is a pain, but this seems very petty to me. If you want to spend time with your friend, enjoy her company and would enjoy having her own the trip, I think leaving her at home just because she has chosen not to get a fast pass card is kind-of mean.

I don't think it's a matter of spending time with her while waiting those 2hrs, but more like the friend is essentially holding everyone up for those 2hrs. If she doesn't want to buy a card, that's fine, but I don't think she can reasonably ask her friends to wait 2hrs just for her for any US trip they may want to take. That's negating the money/cards of her friends. Her choice to be cardless shouldn't control the group.

OK maybe I will look for an off-peak time after the holiday season, and say why. "Why don't we go in January some time? I don't really want to go down there during the holiday rush unless I can use the Nexus lane...."

I think this is good, and if she wanted to go down for holiday shopping, it also could possibly prompt a conversation about the card.

Think of her as a non-rude version of That One Friend. You know, the friend who is chronically an hour late for everything. Or the one who always grinds outings to a halt with "Oh shoot, yet again I don't have my ID / our entry tickets and now we can't get into this venue together." You use tough love on those friends, right ? At some point you tell them "We're leaving at exactly 3 PM, with or without you. The venue won't let us in without ID / tickets / proper attire." And that friend will gripe and moan the first time you go "Well, it's 3:01 and she's not ready. Bye." That friend will either learn to either follow instructions or find a new group to socialize with. Same with your Nexus card-less friend.

I'm with Psychopoesie ---- I have to wonder if she can't get a card --- either because she can't meet one of the criteria for it, or she can, but the agency that processes the thing has made an error and denied it to her (lots of people are on Do Not Fly lists in error, and it can take forever to straighten it out, if it can even be done at all).

*If* that were to be the case....would it change how you feel about it?(BTW, I also would hate to wait in line if I didn't have to, so I can certainly understand your dilemma!)

It seems to me that on a day trip the time spent traveling is very important. If you plan your trip for 6 hours time and spend two of those hours waiting in a line because someone chooses not to get a card, it makes a big dent in the useful time.I completely understand that this person not having a card restricts the activity of the rest of the group. If I were this person I would not want to go if it meant holding up the group. If she suggests the trip and you accept going with her, then the wait is part of the deal (even if you are doing the driving). If you are the one planning the trip she should not expect to be included, knowing she would be holding everything up. I might approach it with, "I'm planning a trip cross the border soon. Do you have your card so you can go along?" If she says she can go along anyway, I would just have to let her know that the time spent at the border cuts too much into the time spent doing whatever you plan to do and just wouldn't work. Maybe you can offer her a phone number or something so she can get her card application going.

« Last Edit: November 22, 2013, 11:01:43 PM by Bijou »

Logged

I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished. Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

I agree that you should ask your friend why she won't sign up for a Nexus Card. I suspect she'll reply that because she doesn't drive, and doesn't travel to the USA very often, it's not worth her while.

In that case, it's really up to you. If she'll only be accompanying you to the USA once in a blue moon, I personally would just suck it up and enjoy the day trip (although I get that it would be extremely galling waiting in the regular line, when you have a Nexus Card).

However, if she wants to make these trips more of a regular thing (and come on the "group trips") I think you're fine in telling her that she should get a Nexus Card if she wants to come with you.

I think you are fine in telling her what you've said - I am curious as to * why* she won't get one. I don't travel a lot ( maybe once a year and no every year( but if I were a frequent flyer, I would get the fast pass card that the have at some international airports ( including the one in my country).

I have to say that even if she was one of the drivers this would bother me, but the fact that she isn't driving and she is asking you for a favor because she doesn't drive, makes it an even stronger argument that she should not inconvenience others. I think that when you're the one asking the favor then you have to make sure not to inconvenience the favor-giver ( favee?). I do drive but don't have a car. If someone gives me a lift, I always make sure to be on time, offer to meet them on a more convenient corner, etc.

Chiming in with what seems to be the majority opinion that you can be direct with your friend and not be breaking any etiquette rules. It might be a difficult conversation, and I definitely sympathize, but it's not wrong to be honest.

"Friend, I have to be direct with you and say that since getting a Nexus card, and being able to get across the border faster, I really don't have the patience to sit in the regular line. Plus, frankly, it's hard to justify spending the time that way instead of spending it where we want to go. I really like doing stuff with you, but at this point I have to ask you to get your own Nexus card if you want to keep doing these trips on a regular basis".

It's a given that we're not supposed to assume things about other people's financial circumstances, but if these are shopping trips, and if your friend is giving you money for gas, a $50 fee for five years is probably not an impediment. As others have said, it is possible that your friend did apply for a card and was turned down. But I wouldn't put her on the spot by asking if that's the case. She can choose to tell you if that's the case, at which point it's a different situation ("can't get one" vs "won't get one").

(BTW, I used to live in Vancouver and am familiar with several border crossings between BC and Washington, and have also done the "wait forever" thing. I live in Toronto now, and crossing around the Niagara region can be just as bad. If I travelled to the US often enough, I'd be applying for a Nexus card of my own.)

Can you take an approach of 'Bummer you don't have your card and can't come with on these trips, buy let's plan a long leisurely day for us to go together sometime.' Then approach that day with a different schedule and pace in mind...like when I would bring my grandmother with me to see my sister...a six-hour straight shot alone, or nine+ hours and multiple stops with her along. Just a different animal from my normal 'commute.'

I don't see what would be wrong with simply stating the truth, "Awesome! I'd love to go with you to the US for a shopping trip! Have you gotten your Nexus card yet? No? Let's wait until after you get your Nexus card because I'm really not up for a possibly and probably long wait in the regular lines when I know we can zip right through if we both have Nexus cards." Maybe even state -- "Hey, I know it took a few months to get mine so what if we tentatively plan for a trip in <month> by which time you'll probably have received your card. This will be so much fun, especially since we can spend more time shopping instead of having to allow for the border crossing lines!"

I see nothing wrong with just saying, "I'd love to go there with you, but I really want to get use of my Nexus card and save the 2 hours (or is it 4 hours, total, both ways?), in travel time." And then see what she says and go from there.