The Front Line for the Awesomeness Offensive

Police Issue Arrest Warrant for Aaron Hernandez, Jets Still Suck

ESPN: Massachusetts State Police issued an arrest warrant Friday for New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez for obstruction of justice in connection with a homicide investigation, ABC News reported. The warrant, first reported by WBZ NewsRadio 1030 and citing an anonymous law enforcement source, was issued after police discovered that the security system at Hernandez’s home, along with his cellphone, were destroyed, sources told ABC News. Police were at Hernandez’s home again Thursday with another search warrant based on evidence that Hernandez “destroyed his home security system,” an investigator close to the case told ABC News.

I love hearing Jets fans rejoice and rant and rave on the radio about Aaron Hernandez. That’s the lowest you can go as a fan. When your team sucks so hard that you enjoy reading non-football related news about your rival. Jets fans pretend like they’re the goddamned Israelites being led out of Egypt. Jets fans, you are NOT God’s chosen people. Did the Jews have it bad for a really really long time? Yes. Do the Jets fans have an equally long and difficult history? Yes. Jets fans and the Israelites have a lot in common, but the Jets are not God’s chosen people. God is a Giants fan (see: David and Eliath, best underdog story of all time).

God liked to toy with the Hebrews, it seems. He would make promises to them saying “I will make you a great nation” numbering more than the stars in the sky, more than the grains of sand in the desert, etc etc. Then He turns around and allows them to be enslaved, or wipes them out with a huge flood, or whatever. Jets fans have an equally turbulent history filled with ups and downs, and like the Israelites, they are still waiting for a savior. God tried to save the Israelites when He sent Christ to earth to absorb the sins of humanity. Similarly, He tried to save the Jets when he sent Tim Tebow to the Jets to be the locker room scapegoat and absorb the sins of the Jets without himself ever really doing any sinning. The Israelites sent Christ away, and the Jets sent Tebow away.

But here’s where the difference is. A savior will come again and save the Israelites and save humanity, but he won’t play quarterback for the Jets. Nobody can save the Jets from themselves. Not even an omnipotent, omnipresent supernatural being.

What the Jets need really is to fire everybody, pack up, and move to Mexico City. Call themselves the Banditos. Or the Desperados. Like when God smote the creations that he no longer liked (Noah’s Flood), the Jets need to clean house and start again completely new.

Meanwhile, The Patriots are a successful, modern franchise, paralleling Ancient Egypt. They don’t need a savior, they’re already in a land of milk and honey. Jets fans will always be on the outside looking in.