A SOULS JOURNEY

Month: March 2017

It was just one of those weeks….Coming into the new moon and possibly not having all my ducks in a row, I started to get battered.

A few weeks ago I mentioned there was about to be a big change. Well it all sort of fell in a heap this week. Or so it seems. Lack of communication leads me to believe that. An opportunity for some big change didn’t come my way despite all signs pointing to the fact it would. Never mind. Wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t lose anything by putting myself out there. I just gained an experience.

Add to that, I am still grieving the loss of that special someone. Definitely honestly my biggest hurt. Then I had a BIG unexpected financial issue. Old ex in-law family stuff came ringing my phone. The old ex started his in your face public displays of affection with his new early 20 something and I cut my finger on a sauce bottle, almost knocked myself out and got an egg head from walking into a fridge door at work and lost one of my new beautiful birthday gifts. Needless to say I was feeling a little hard done by.

Practice what I preach right!? Gratitude and acceptance and letting go. Well yes, that would be the obvious thing to do but as I also say; you can’t force someone to change if they are not willing to look at it truthfully.

In saying that sometimes the universe has other plans. It is my belief in those times of your life where everything seems to be stacking up against you; as big or as minor/annoying as these things might be, it is the universe trying to tell you something. And being that the universe/god/energy/source is the higher power, it knows best. So even when us down here on Earth in our little human, ego bodies try to ignore the signs, the universe goes “Awww isn’t that cute” and ramps it all up a notch. As we like to call it in Consciousness Coaching “stacking the pain”.

We as humans are wired to avoid pain more than we look to seek pleasure. So even if we know on a deep level something is better for our true self, but the ego is screaming out in fear, we will choose the path of least resistance and go with what we know. The old way. The way we’ve been conditioned since birth. We plod along in that mode until its our turn and a series of things or something big happens that we just can’t ignore. Then it is up to us how quickly we take the bait. Do we keep on trying to act out the old way because -DAMN IT – it always worked before (even though you know truthfully it didn’t or there wouldn’t be pain) or do you lean into the fear and allow true change to take shape. Something that is more aligned to your true wants, wishes, purpose and desires?

I still ebb and flow… even once awake, majority of us do. There are so many layers. But I do feel this series of events and annoyances and injuries this week was the universe stacking my pain. Making my norm more uncomfortable as it is time for me to move on from here to bigger and better things. Now I just need to open myself up to it and allow.

So lets work back through this systematically shall we.

The birthday gift. Possibly a heartbreaking reminder to take more care. Slow down. Appreciate the little things. I actually thought to myself when I put it on – it was a bracelet – that I didn’t know if I clipped it right. But I was in a rush so instead of checking I winged it. And now I pay the price:( Lucky I’m not an aeroplane engineer. LESSON: Slow the fuck down, pay attention to the things that matter. It was sentimental and now it is gone because I was careless.

The egg on my head from the fridge. Well honestly I was distracted by hot chips, which I still managed to eat even when I was on the floor holding my head. But again LESSON: Slow the fuck down. I was snacking on hot chips because I never break at work and stop to look after myself. Most days I don’t eat lunch. I am too busy trying to please everyone else I forget about myself. I matter too!

The cut from a sauce bottle lid. I mean does an injury get any more lame than that? LESSON: As above. Slow down. Pay attention.

Stalking exes profile on Facebook to find photos and over the top displays of affection to the new target. I say target as I know this is his cycle and my rational self understands the psychology behind it. My emotional self did not. I was essentially aiding the universe in the whole stacking the pain process here. I went into why does he get to be happy blahblahblah……. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even him. LESSON: Pay attention! But not to others. To myself! My self worth was low. As it has been my whole life up until I recently started fighting for it. This was my old ways looking to make a reappearance. BE VIGILANT!

Ex in-law money issue coming up. Sent me into resentment, anger, abandonment and jealousy. Didn’t love writing those things about myself but hey like I said I believe in order to make change you need to be 100% honest. And I felt all of those feelings in a very strong way. But when I can rationalise it, these events around the financial side of things have occurred in cycles multiple times. I need to look into it. LESSON: Pay attention! (I know you can see the theme here!) Slow down. Look at it. Really look into it. The thoughts, feelings and emotions behind it. Give myself a true opportunity to work through it, heal it and let go of it so I can move forwards for good.

Another money blip. Relates to the above. I am attempting to better myself in this area of my life but seemingly I still have a lot to learn. This was a frustrating hiccup. LESSON: As above. Slow the fuck down and pay attention. I am more than capable but I need to allow myself to succeed. Stop the self sabotage.

But as I was driving back tonight after having to run the kids around to do something to deal with my just mentioned error, I was beyond frustrated. They were both talking at me and I was just completely zoned out. Ethan grabbed my phone and put on a song. I am amazing at visualising. I can create an entire alternate reality in my mind and FEEL like I am in it. It is definitely my creative super power. And as the song started to play I took myself to this place. This place where I am truly aligned to my soul. I am living out my purpose and I am at piece with all of the parts of me.

I turned to Ethan and I said “It has to be me. If I want this, if I truly want this, then I have to get up and do it. I know I don’t want the struggle anymore. Im done! Im done! I want it all out!”

I was starting to yell. He’s used to me. He had a big grin on his face and he said “THEN YELL IT OUT!” “SCREAM!”

So we did. We all wound down the windows and really let go. Like totally went for it. We yelled and screamed and sang and laughed. And it felt really bloody cathartic. My heart was bursting after that. What a beautiful thing for him to encourage me to do. And we all felt better for it. I always say better out than in. But I don’t always practice it.

The words….it really connected. As I always say music is amazing for that. I was in my aligned future and these were the words playing…The old me doubting, scared, resisting and the new me nurturing those fearful parts of me and leading me into the dream. My future. Telling me I am everything I need to be. Hope it can take you away to your place of soul too.

You know those moments when you catch yourself and you go “WOW…. that’s definitely something I need to work through”..? Well I had a ripper this week!!

And as usual the universe offered up some interesting little tid bits along the way.

So if you have read any of my blog before you will know I’m not so lucky in love. Not that luck has anything to do with it mind you. But I tend to be attracted to and tied up in scenarios that are bound to not play out well.

From talking to other singles and even some coupled up crew of late, there is definitely a vibe out there that relationships are nowhere near as simple as they used to be.

For singles there are options galore. Bars, pubs, concerts, parties, online dating, set ups, work colleagues, one night stands, friends of friends, friends partners …. you name it, it all goes down. Chatting recently with someone I hadn’t seen for a while and it was quickly clear we were both surrounded by breakups, affairs, mental illness, heartache and other painful tales.

So what is happening out there that is making this whole connection business so god damn hard?. Are we all that fearful of actually letting our guards down that we’d prefer to be eternally bullshitting our way through scenarios that are bound to not work out.

Well I know this is true for me. And I didn’t really own that until I actually had what I can only describe as an out of body experience in which I watched myself actually act it out. I wasn’t quite strong enough to stop myself but I was immediately openly shocked by my reaction.

So I’ll set the scene. There have been two men in my world for a while now. Not essentially seeing or dating either but they have both made multiple appearances over the last 12 months or so.

One I have known for a year. We met. It was passionate. It was fun. Exciting. And we both ended up a bit enamoured. Well for the first 5 months or so anyway. Then as things got a bit more serious I honestly don’t understand what went down. Communication became less and less and we drifted. It hurt. A lot. I’ve always understood the reasons for the end of other relationships but this just didn’t make sense.

So when I would hear from him it became and unhealthy dynamic of me desperately trying to do whatever I could to get back to where we mysteriously left off. Not a good look and never plays out well.

But as I allowed him to drift in and out, along comes man no.2. He is kind. Thoughtful. Into my growth journey and his own. Similar interests. Communicative. Amazing with kids. From a similar upbringing. Friends with my friends. Good work ethic but still makes time to prioritise me and others in his life. Honestly he has become one of my dearest friends. But it begs the question… Why don’t I lust after all these amazing qualities?

Why do I want someone who doesn’t treat me respectfully or as a priority?

So as I ponder this for the billionth time in therapy my therapist says something interesting to me. Researchers have found that over 55% of all people actually have insecure attachment styles.

55%!

That is huge! Early on in the peace uncertainty is normal. But if you seek that drawn out, uncertain style dynamic; the will they call, won’t they? Will they behave respectfully when I’m not around?; Am I actually their boyfriend/girlfriend or not?; Where do I stand? Etc etc

If you get off on dynamics like this then you have an insecure attachment style and hence why the perfect on paper Mr actually probably should be what you want…. isn’t getting you to take that next step.

You, like me, crave the biochemical response your body gives you from riding the waves of the emotional tsunamis that the not safe person creates in us. It’s essentially an addiction. Not to the person though. Important to note. Because if your honest with yourself this would be a theme playing out through other scenarios in your life too. But it’s hard to realise that it’s not the individual you want when it’s such a strong positive correlation of time with them = lots of wild unstable, exciting and heartbreaking rides.

I’ve known this about myself for a while, but it was never more blatantly evident than this experience the other day. Without divulging Mr Oh So Sweets’ personal story, he alerted me to the fact that he may actually be in a scenario in which he would no longer be able to be as emotionally open with me. And in that moment as I sat across from him at the local pub, I instantly felt myself tighten.

He noticed it too. His exact words. “I’ve never seen you so defensive before!”

It was IMMEDIATE! As soon as I was told I wasn’t going to be prioritised, I moved straight into – now I want it!

Let me tell you, to catch yourself in that trip is an interesting, yet confronting place to be.

Luckily for me he is an absolute legend and I vocalised it straight away. He helped me talk it through.

Letting go of this shit will be a journey. It’s not going to be a quick fix. I’m still that little girl just trying to get my dad’s attention. This is how we all play it out.

So if the romantic dynamics you create are creating more thrills and pain, then stability and grounding then this ones for you.

And me. And apparently over 50% of us!

We all deserve good, real, healthy, long lasting love. In order to get it, I suggest you take a good, hard, long, honest look at your own shit first.

What is it exactly that you want? And if your attracting different to that then something you’re doing isn’t aligned to your soul.

This question is a loaded one. So many factors come into mind when this was posed to me. But as I continue on this journey of self discovery, I am beginning to truly understand and believe the answer comes down to two simple things.

Synchronicities and Self Belief.

Let me explain. Synchronicities are when events in your life seem to all start to come together. They start to align. Shifts in your perception of things are happening at the same time to coincide with events or moments in which you make a choice (usually multiple choices) that lead you down a path of exposure, learning, reflection, growth and change. This may sound so deep but to simplify the concept this even relates to changing your mind about a certain food.

One day you’re adamant you hate mushrooms but then you try them at the right time, in the right place, with the right atmosphere, in the right dish and all of a sudden BAM! Mushrooms are your new favourite and you can’t believe you were so closed off to the idea of them! They’re delicious!! And packed full of nutrients that nourish your body.

But you would never have “known” this had the sequence of things leading up to you trying mushrooms again happened.

Ok maybe not life changing. But healthy nutrient rich foods are good for the mind, body and soul. I was just attempting to simplify the idea.

Mainly due to the fact I get accused of reading into things too much. Over thinking. But again if you think I’m over thinking how beneficial mushrooms are 😆 expand your mind to a bigger scenario in your life. If you are fighting something that shouldn’t be, it will be displayed in your every day as a constant struggle. Energy sucking. And you will constantly be questioning yourself over it. Now this is not to say that picking the right path for you will be easy. It will most probably require you to give something up. It will possibly require hard work and multiple sacrifices. But when everything is lining up the synchronicities are hard to ignore and the pain of continuing as you once did is far greater than the percieved losses to follow your souls urges.

For me the belief that EVERYTHING happens for a reason is directly related to my ability to deal with the hardships I have faced. For if it didn’t happen for a reason; why did it have to happen to me? What did I do so wrong to deserve some of the hurt and pain that has come my way? And for the many people I have spoken to going through trauma or hardship, this belief becomes quite a resounding truth to most. There must be a takeaway lesson or it has all happened for nothing. And that is harder to come to terms with.

Despite this, I never say anything is gospel. You’re welcome to believe different. But I believe in the picture bigger than just you and me. I believe it is all connected and that life is a series of lessons, all for the greater good.

So synchronicities. These babies have been popping up left, right and centre for me at the moment. There is an exciting new direction I have opened my mind to that I will write about next week that I feel is going to be a game changer. It’s all about the growth journey and this one will both challenge me and pull me way outside my comfort zone.

Again synchronising with this big decision, is my participation in a coaching course challenge put to us by the course developer. It’s brilliant. It’s the FUCK FEAR CHALLENGE. Every single day we have to push through a barrier/fear and then post about it on our group page. Seemingly big all small, we write it out.

We hold each other accountable and encourage each other’s progress.

Let me tell you it’s been going for a week and it’s been INSANE!! Talk about accelerated progress. For all involved.

Whether we are willing participants or not, being amongst a team of others and wanting to hold your end of the bargain is an epic driving force for recognising when fears come up and acknowledging you are the only thing standing between you and want you want. Honestly give it a go! Message me even! I’ll hold you accountable!

All of us in just 1 week have had some HUGE wins. And this is where one builds Self Belief.

Self Belief and true confidence (not ego driven confidence) comes from over coming things you once were too fearful to accomplish. You stop looking for outsode validation and you do what feels right. Seriously who gives what others say. Is it their experince? No! Let them have their opinions. Thats their right. But it should not influence you trusting your own gut. And once the balls rolling it feels so empowering you want to keep it going! Fear is totally an illusion in almost all cases. It is simply what stands between you and your dreams.

True story.

Now don’t misunderstand. I don’t think one day it all just clicks and there you are with your shit all sorted. Even through each win the road is littered with massive lessons and moments when you’re questioning why the fuck you’re putting yourself through this. But when your heart is in it for the greater good, you always win. From a soul level. And I think now I have my goals in my heart, pushing through my fears to get there, seems just that little bit less relevant than it all once did.

The above title is a classic saying from my youth. Valid. What we see in others exists in us; you can’t bullshit a bullshitter and all that..

And it’s true in our dynamics with others. But it’s also so true for the relationship we have with ourselves. And it’s amazing the webs of deceit, drama, confusion and BS the trusty old ego can weave within our minds.

I’ve been a bit quiet on the blog front of late. And feeling a bit stagnant in what I wanted to say. People around me have always been quite encouraging and I have had some beautiful self growth, appreciation and reflective moments through the year I have been blogging. But it hasn’t been flowing. And I knew this. And as all things the more you realise it and think about it, the more it shows up in your world. But the last straw for me came at an engagement party on Saturday.

Celebrating love, surrounded by love and having the time of our lives… a couple of champagnes in and we hit the dance floor. The heels came off and we went for it. As all my key girls in my life do. And as I spun around grinning from ear to ear I noticed we had been joined by a fellow West Aussie I hadn’t seen in forever. So as we grabbed each other to twirl around she says to me… “I want to hear all about your blogging! Tell me everything!”

So after a brief chat reciting what I have told myself I need to say, I was feeling a bit of an off feeling in my gut. Like I wasn’t entirely painting the whole picture of where I was at with it. So I said “I’ve been a bit quiet of late though….” Straight away she quipped “I’ve definitely noticed”… Then all of a sudden Backstreet Boys comes on and the conversation was clearly finished. But I was left with something to ponder.

This phenomenon I am really starting to pick up on. The stories we have around situations in life. You can hear when someone has told the story multiple times. The perfectly timed joke, or punchline, or worded phrases to ensure the message we want to portray is getting across. Rather than checking in to see if the story still fits where we are as an ever evolving changing dynamic person.

So here’s a story I often say in regard to myself….. I’m often all gung-ho about things in the beginning. I love to start with a bang. I get in and under and immerse myself into whatever I am doing. But then I get to a certain point with things and I pull away. This is true in career decisions, relationships and finances. It is definitely a pattern in my life.

But when I stop to look at this story I tell myself and others, I’d say there has been multiple reasons for this. Sometimes I realised it just wasn’t right for me. Sometimes what resonated at one point in my journey ceased to gel once I’d learned the lessons I needed to learn. The practice of not attaching ourselves to anything is pivotal as nothing is ever forever. And this doesn’t have to cause fear.

But I’d say more than any of this it’s actually what I’m coming to realise is that I am actually fearful of success. I am scared shitless of my own shininess. Because when I catch glimpses of it, it’s so bright I think it will scare others off or they won’t like what they see and I’ll be left all on my own. For some reason we seem to want to dull others shine more than we want to build them up for fear that their shine will detract from our own.

Completely impossible by the way. As long as the intentions are pure it will only add to the light this world so deeply needs.

So for weeks now, I have barely written. And in that time TV snuck back in to an all night routine, all my meditations were guided as I wasn’t trusting my own ability to take myself to that place, procrastination has been at an all time high and I dare not look at my budget.

I was starting to let my self doubt creep in. See the deal is it is seemingly much easier to stay stuck than it is to change. Not surprising. Change won’t occur until you stack enough pain into a situation that it literally pushes you to adjust your perspective or belief system around the way you operate.

So as the old me reliving the above story that I must have just reached that stage I always do where I’ve peaked and now it’s time to step away, this time around I can see that as no longer serving me.

I want this too much. I want it for me. For my family. For my soul. To see it out and fulfil my purpose as I feel it to be in this stage of my journey.

The alternative no longer adds up. Stay stuck in an unfulfilling life cycle or push through the fear and have a red hot go at creating the life I want to live.

So now it’s time to turn the TV off for a bit. Live my existence. Put myself out there again. Continue on this journey. Even if it’s just baby steps, but consistent forward motion. Because sitting around wishing it would change and wondering why it hadn’t to the extent I wanted it to is not action. It’s contemplation.

The vision and dream is one thing but you’ve still got to go out and get it.

So stack the pain and against the old ways and push through the fear.

Give yourself permission to be the brightest shiniest version of yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you can achieve. Don’t let the ego tell you why you can’t/shouldn’t/didn’t/won’t.