Last night Fox aired a two-hour special titled Stars in Danger: The High Dive. The special — which I discussed back when it was first greenlit, and could be the first in an ongoing Stars in Danger series — featured C- and D-List celebrities attempting Olympic style dives in a packed arena. If a show with that description doesn’t grab your attention and hang on for dear life, kind of like a car accident on the side of the highway or a video compilation of skateboarders hurting themselves, then I really don’t know what I can do for you. You’re beyond help. This was appointment television, and I truly feel sorry for you if you skipped it. But I’m sure some of you missed this slice of television heaven for reasons outside your control, or for reasons that you now understandably regret, and I imagine you have many, many questions. Luckily, I am here to help.

Please, fire away.

Who were the stars on Stars in Danger: The High Dive?

Excellent first question. The stars on the show were Terrell Owens, Jenni “JWoww” Farley, Antonio Sabato, Jr., David Chokachi and Alexandra Paul from Baywatch, Stephen “tWitch” Boss from So You Think You Can Dance?, Kim and Kyle Richards from the Real Housewives series, and Bethany Hamilton, the teenage surfer who got her arm bitten off by a shark a few years back.

Wow, we’re really throwing the term “stars” around pretty loosely these dayHOLD ON SHE GOT HER ARM BITTEN OFF BY A SHARK?

Yup.

Jesus.

I know.

And Fox cast her — a girl who survived a shark attack , and who presumably knows what real danger is — on a silly show about jumping off a diving board that they had the balls to call Stars in Danger?

They sure did.

Wow. Okay, so anyway, how was the show? Was it terrible?

No. It was AMAZING.

Really?

Well, let me back up. It was awful, obviously. But, like, amazingly awful. Let me put it this way: It was literally a show about washed-up and/or marginally famous people high-diving, and Fox aired it for two hours in primetime. It really was. I can’t stress that strongly enough.

Fair enough. Were any of the contestants actually good?

Terrell Owens did one dive that was pretty good, which shouldn’t come as a huge surprise, I guess. I mean, he was a professional athlete, after all. And Alexandra Paul did a couple decent ones, but she is not only a big-time triathlete, she also had years of Baywatch-related experience diving off boats.

Hmm. It does seem like they had unfair advantages. Anyway, more importantly, were any of them really bad?

Hoo boy.

That bad?

Oh yeah. For example, this is the dive Kim Richards did. In the competition. After a private training session with a world-class diver.

Okay, this is the best part. So you see in that video in the last link, after her belly flop, while she is lounging in the hot tub, where she says her neck hurts? She went and got an MRI and actually had to pull out of the competition.

Holdonholdonholdon. She pulled out of a celebrity high-diving competition … with a belly flop-related injury?

Pretty much.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Right?

Oh God, that is fantastic. Who ended up winning, anyway?

Well, Bethany Hamilton and tWitch won the team competitio-

There was a team competition?!

Of course there was a team competition. Don’t be ridiculous. And Antonio Sabato, Jr. won the individual title.

All right, you’ve convinced me. This sounds fantastic. I’ll try to catch a rerun if they air it again. Is there anything else I should know going in?

The best part was the training montages. For the people who, you know, tried, you got to see plenty of belly flops and face plants. Then the Real Housewives came up and their entire training clip consisted of them standing terrified on the diving board and weeping.

Best of all, though, was JWOWW, who was so uncoordinated she had to have one of the pros jump in with her like a tandem sky dive. She obviously does her best work with someone’s speedo-ensconsed cock pressed against her backside. I do appreciate that FOX went through the charade of calling in an “alternate” to replace her versus writing her out entirely, thus ensuring she would have to show up and cram herself into a one-piece bathing suit for the show.

I cannot wait for the next installment. My vote – let’s see Curt Schilling, Brett Butler and Aron Ralston try their hands at bull-riding.

Kim Richards was a actually quite the child-star in the ’70s. She was in the original “Race to Witch Mountain” and John Carpenter’s “Assault on Precinct 13″ and many other things that called for a precocious blonde girl.

Then the ’80s hit, as did co-starring in “Tuff Turf” with James Spader, and, well…I guess “Stars in Danger” is no big surprise. Which should be a warning to all child stars out there, really. Just stay the hell away from James Spader.