In case you haven't heard (I'm looking at you, deaf-ass, hater-ass, disabled-ass muh'fuckas) the BIG STORY in New York Sports today reads as follows:

METS WIN!!! METS WIN!!! METS WIN!!!

Yeah, that's right bitches: the New York Metropolitans have won yet ANOTHER game on their Sherman-esque march to 101 wins (that's right, one for each of them cute-ass, animated-ass, Disney-ass dalmations).

This excercise in dominance and good-lookery brought the team to a staggering 34 wins.

34!!!

The Mets have a winning percentage of .493.

.493!!! That's like, almost .500!!!

Willie Randolph, who, after a non-stop, rip-roaring 2 run top of the first, spent most of the following 8 1/2 innings updating his top friends on his myspace page, had this to say of the team's overall performance after the 9-6 blowout:

Scared now, ain't you? I like that. That's why I took this job. I hate little motherfuckers like you. Little n****s, you ain't shit! I could blow your head off with this Smith & Wesson and you couldn't do shit. Think you tough? What set you from? Look like one of them Crenshaw mafia motherfuckers...

On Heilman's clutch performance in the 7th inning (which brought his ERA down to -12.45):

N***a, what you mean (Heilman) ain't skinny. Motherfucker so skinny he can hula hoop through a Cheerio. N***a, (Heilman) ain't got to be skinny.

When asked why he felt it necessary to express his thoughts through quotes from the film Boys N the Hood, Willie proceeded to kill three reporters with a rally monkey. No charges were filed against Mr. Randolph.

In other Mets related news, Luis Castillo hit a ball into the outfield, Moises Alou had a full-body transplant thus giving him the body of a 23 year old who's totally not going to sprinkle only 10 more at-bats across the rest of this season, Carlos Delgado removed the penis from his mouth and vowed to stop sucking for GOOD, and Omar Minaya was killed by shrapnel caused by the Willie Randolph/Rally Monkey related bedlam.