Spare the rod, spare the child

MUMBAI: Nothing shows the generation gap more starkly than the evolution of parenting. If parents from previous generations believed in the scare-and-inspire (read, beat and teach) technique, today's Yummy Mummies follow an MCQ (multiple choice questions for every task) format of parenting. Their days begin with the query, 'What would you like for breakfast?' and ends with 'Would you like a nightcap?'

Today's parents rarely bark out diktats such as "eat your eggs right now" or "finish that entire glass of milk," or "I will cane you if you don't finish studying all the chapters''. Clearly, children, and not parents, are the revered bunch these days. "Previously people revered their parents, now we respect them," says psychiatrist Harish Shetty about the sea-change in parenting styles in India. "There is democracy in the air which is a good thing," he says, adding today's parenting is all about "sharing and touching".

Nirali Sanghi, who manages a parenting website, points out that Indian parenting used to be a lot more authoritative, similar to the Tiger Mom style that best-selling author Amy Chua wrote about. "We also believed in discipline. But while we didn't necessarily drive the kids to achieve something, now it is evolving towards achievements, while authority has greatly been reduced,'' says Sanghi.

But if old is not gold, is the new style of parenting right? Experts are not sure. A child used to making choices may, for instance, not know where and when to stop. The fine-line between democratic choices and pampering could be breached, leading to spoilt brats who want the moon for every small 'achievement', be it an 8\10 in the class test or learning to cycle down the slope.

Psychologist Varkha Chulani says it's an age of the 'walking-on-eggshell' parents. Parents want to be friends with their children, and be easy-going, not judgmental. "But ultimately, we as parents have to bring up children to be healthy and intelligent,'' she adds.

Paediatrician Dr Sandeep Kelkar, who has been conducting workshops for parents and children on the importance of emotional quotient in daily life, believes the main problem with today's parents is that they don't know the difference between being demanding parents versus parents who expect.

"There are two extremes of parenting that I see in my practice. First, the demanding parent who wants to achieve his\her dreams through the children. Then there is the parent who takes pride in saying she makes no demands on her children,'' he says. At a parent-teachers' meet, this parent will proudly announce that she doesn't pressurise her children to study. The child is asked if she wants to take up dancing classes, and the matter ends there if she says no to even as much as trying her hand at this hobby.

Fear of a child getting depressed, coupled with suicides among youngsters has parents becoming "soft". "What parents don't understand is that we, as parents, can have expectations from our children. We can expect them, for instance, to study well or give their best in a sport they want to pursue," said Dr Kelkar.

Tiger Moms Vs Pushover Moms

Parenting expert Nirali Sanghi compares Asian & Western styles:

There are two aspects, one is how authoritative a parent you are, the other is how focused you are on the child's achievements

The Asian style of parenting is extremely authoritative and also greatly focused on achievements

The Western style is most relaxed and also least focused on pushing the child for achievements (result is often more creative discoveries and independent style of thinking)

Indian parenting is now a blend of Asian and Western styles, high on achievements and low on authority

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