Cego Custom Shirtmaker

Even the finest Brooks Brothers threads don't accommodate your horribly misshapen torso; but, you're convinced custom shirtmakers cater only to wealthy international playboys like Don Johnson, Alberto Tomba, and Todd Bridges. You're mostly right, but there is an exception: Cego. At Cego Custom Shirtmaker, proprietor Carl Goldberg knows how to make a shirt that suits your "unique physique", and does it for far less than the haughty competitors he curses in his sleep. His measurements take everything into account: your pleasingly expansive latissimus dorsi; your curiously large left man-boob; even the circumference of the chunky platinum Rolex your stepdad assumes the housekeeper boosted. You'll also be able to choose from the thousands of color, pattern, and fabric swatches Carl hordes in his cramped hovel of an office like some paranoid fashion squirrel. While other custom shops offer these same services, few can match Carl's value*. For standard dress shirts you'll pay rack prices (starting at $85), but get a perfect fit that's more comfortable, looks better, and should last much longer. Commission some ultra high-end shirts, though, and you'll save hundreds over other custom shops -- largesse Carl can afford, because he maintains no showroom, and probably smuggles in exotic Peruvian fabrics inside the musty carcasses of llamas. Once you're fitted initially, you can even send your woman in to style additional shirts for you -- using measurements filed in an Animal Crackers box given to Carl by his father the day he abandoned him at the circus. Not only will you never wear an ill-fitting shirt again, you'll never have to go shopping for shirts either -- the hassle, the crowds, and the changing room peep-cams that made you and your pendulous male mammary into such an internet phenomenon. *Mention Thrillist for either 10% off your purchase or one free pair of boxers per shirt ordered