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Bellum omnium contra omnes

2012 Irrelevant Resolutions

2011 is over! I tell you I won’t miss 2011, now that 2012 is here. 2011 sucked! I had 5 separate jobs. Five. Not that I mind working, I love to work, but having 5 jobs means that I had no stability in those jobs whatsoever, and that sucks!

A lot of the resolutions I made last year just didn’t work. I didn’t write for money. Never called my representative to tell him he is a shithead, and I never got to tell Glenn Beck to fuck himself.

I’m such a slacker.

One resolution I did nail was the resolution to run a lot. Ran over 2100 miles, ran over 20 miles like I resolved to do.

Which is nice and all, but….

The time has come to make this years resolutions. Let the irrelevancy begin!

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Resolution #1: Belch. Belch like no one has ever belched before. Make booger here look like a rookie.

Resolution #2: Start a fight with corporate America. Sure I can’t beat them, there’s a bazillion of them, and one of me, and they have a grillion dollars to my… 22 bucks … sumthin like that, and they buy political influence the way I buy milk, but so what? I have something they don’t have. I don’t know what it is, but I hope what the hell ever it is helps, ’cause I don’t feel like getting my ass kicked at this point in my life.

Resolution #3: Get a full time job. Finding work has been a priority since the dickheads that fired me in 2009 made my life a living hell. I have work now. The problem? It’s freelance work. If they need me 5 days a week, I get a real paycheck. If they don’t need me, I don’t work. That SUCKS! I’ve had enough of that hairy high school horseshit. Full time or bust!

Resolution #4: Keep the Christmas tree up all year.

Resolution #5: Run a race. I am a runner (just in case you missed that), and I could have run one last year, but I tweaked a hamstring and that killed the one chance I had at running that race. I love running, and racing is fun.

Resolution #6: Write a book. Note I do not say “write a bestseller” or even “write a decent book” It could be a god-awful piece of shit, but dammit, I want to write a book. OK, I hope it isn’t a truly god-awful piece of shit, but the worse it is, the better it’ll sell, if I know the tastes (if you can call it taste) of my countrymen (and women) at all.

Resolution #7: Beat the crap out of a marketing executive. People who work in marketing are evil. Evil must be fought. If all the good people of the world took up the cause, and beat the shit out of just one of these evil cretins, the world would be a much better place. Join the cause.

Resolution #8: Punch a random stranger in the face. Ya, that is wrong. But if I had a dollar for every wrong thing in the world, I’d have a lot of money I did not really deserve. And i’d be part of the 1%.

Resolution #9: Stop all unnecessary violence in the world.

Resolution #10 : Teach a fish to juggle.

Resolution #11: Learn Irish Gaelic. OK, I know a bare minimum of the language, I would like to be able to speak it, actually have a conversation in the langauge of my forefathers. While I’m at it, learn Polish as well. I have polish blood, t’would be nice if I learned that language as well.

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A very old author discoursing upon Irishmen, says, ” Where Irishmen are good, it is impossible to find better, where they are bad, it is impossible to find worse.” I am afraid we have got to this alternative. Treachery was never the character of Irishmen. Courage and intrepidity were their characteristics. Every creature is taught to fight, but boldly and fairly.

The Earl of Clonwell, 1796

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Resolution #12: Start and /or join a band. I’ve been playing guitar since 1983. I’m good, dammit. I should be in a band and use that musicality of mine.

Resolution #13: Start my own company. I have no Idea what the hell that company would do, but dammit, maybe doing that makes me more money than just working for evil assholes who hate paying me, and think that health benefits for employees are an extravagant privilege. This one needs a lot of work, but then again, so do I.

Resolution #15: Learn to be nice. Or at least find someone who has the right drugs that will help me get there. Because after 44 years on this earth, I have found that I simply cannot fake nice, and that I’m about as subtle as a nuclear explosion, and that doesn’t exactly lend itself to “nice”.

Resolution #16: Eat healthier. Wait… what the hell is an honest to J.R. “Bob” Dobbs resolution doing here???? Well I do eat a boatload of unhealthy crap. Ring dings are NOT a food group, no matter how hard I try to make them one. I really do have to work on that.

Resolution #17: Learn to drive. I love cars. They are, some of them, truly works of art, some of the most sublime beauty mankind has created is in the form of automobiles. But they are evil, at least to me they are. I hate them, I would much rather just stay home than drive, but it is becoming obvious that I have no choice. I need to do this. Dammit.