The Death Of The Jogger

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Guys, this one is an interactive column. I’m gonna need y’all to follow along with me as you read.

OK, ready?

Step 1 - I want you to go to your closet and grab all the jogger pants you own. You know, those ones that are cut like sweatpants with an elastic cuff, but made of denim or twill.

Step 2 - Got all the joggers? Pile ‘em all up in the middle of your room. Just a big ol’ stack of jogger pants on the floor.

Step 3 - Pour gasoline all over the pile of joggers.

Step 4 - Light them shits up and watch your swaglessness burn away.

If you don’t feel like burning your house down, I guess you could donate ‘em or give ‘em away, too.

The point is, joggers are dead, gone, decomposed, and returned to the earth.

Now, I do understand the appeal of a jogger pant. They show off your sneakers. They stack perfectly at the ankle. They eliminate the need for a pinroll.

But they’re lazy.

Sure, we’ve talked about the importance of not trying too hard. But there’s an opposite to that, too. There is such thing as not trying hard enough, too. So take 12 seconds to cuff your jeans properly and forget about joggers forever.

Let’s run through some common scenarios where one might choose a jogger pant to complement an outfit, and examine why joggers are the absolute worst choice you could possibly make. There’s always another option that will look better. Guaranteed.

Showing Off Your Sneakers

This is pretty much the only reason I ever owned a pair of joggers. You already know how I feel about sneakers, and they’re often the focal point of a fit for me. So burying them under 10 square meters of floppy denim is an absolute no-go. But there are other ways to flex your kicks without wearing droopy diaper-butt jogging pants.

Struggle option: Joggers

Not-horrible-option: Pinroll your jeans or get some cropped trousers like these:

Stacks

Some of y’all really love the stacked jeans look. I always thought they looked kinda like a Shar-Pei. That’s cool tho, I f*ck with Shar-Peis.

But then y’all realized you could get this look more easily with joggers. The cuff sits on top of your kicks and stacks right up. Simple, right?

Easy ain’t what we’re after, fam. You can get a wayyy cleaner version of this look just by buying overlong jeans and getting ‘em tapered at your tailor. You have a tailor, right?

Struggle option: Joggers

Not-horrible-option: Any jeans that are the appropriate length and cut.

A Tapered, Clean Fit

This is by far the most acceptable reason to wear joggers — the cuff makes ‘em taper perfectly down to the ankle, making any shitty old pair of pants look like they’ve been tailored to your body.

Actually getting your pants tapered by a tailor. It costs like 8 bucks and you won’t look like you’ve completely given up on life. If you don’t have a tailor, go find one right now. A good tailor is the #1 weapon in the fuccboi’s arsenal.

Struggle option: Joggers

Not-horrible-option: Any and all pants with a $8 taper job.

Now, I know some of you die-hards will disregard this advice as being picky, but trust that we all know when you were too lazy to get pants that actually fit you. Joggers are a cop out and we can tell. So get some jeans or trousers that fit, take ‘em to the tailor, and repeat steps 1-4 from the beginning of the article until you’ve totally banished joggers from your life.

BTW — sweatpants are a totally different ballgame and I fully encourage you to wear them as often as possible.

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