My brain thinks differently than the rest of the world. These are those thoughts.

Scotty McCreery: A Commentary

Last week I did something I’m not proud of. I downloaded Scotty McCreery‘s album. You know, Scotty McCreery, the 18-year-old boy who looks like Alfred E. Newman and sings like a 57-year-old man. That guy. I don’t know what came over me. I saw that it was only $7.99 on iTunes, and like that I hit the download button and there he was in all his glory on my iPod. The worst part about all of this is that I enjoyed the music. I liked it. A lot. What is wrong with me. Well, I enjoyed it that is, until I got to the title song, Clear As Day:

“You were sitting on that Silverado bumper Outside our locker room after the game”

Hey, uh Scotty. Is it not strange to you, that she’s just hanging out on a bumper? And do trucks have bumpers? Isn’t it more of a tailgate? I’m not really ‘southern’ like you, I don’t know much. Also what kind of game? Clearly you’re telling a story here. I need more details to have a better mental picture of what’s happening.

“Glowing in the tan you got that summer”

Ok, so it’s summer. We’re probably talking baseball here. That’s pretty much the only summer sport, unless she’s still sporting her tan from the summer and it’s fall, in which case you could be playing basketball or football. I still don’t know. I’m going baseball, though because I enjoy it more.

“I walked by and you said ‘hey’ Yeah, that night’s still Clear As Day”

Hold up. All she said was “Hey”? That line works Scotty? You mean all I need to do to hook a man is just say, ‘hey’? I might give that whirl sometime. Thanks for the tips!

“First time we’d ever beat East Lincoln county Big party down at Ricky Bowman’s place”

Wait. Where’s East Lincoln county? Are they your rivals? And who’s Ricky Bowman? Is his place cool? What’s it like? Was there a bonfire? A hayride? Movies? What did you do there? Was there booze, because you are underage Scotty. Not okay. I’m really upset with your lack of details here my friend. I need more. You are not painting a very good word picture for me.

“I walked up, you threw your arms around me And whispered you loved to watch me play Yeah that night’s still Clear As Day”

Awwww….how cute. And sort of creepy. Why did she whisper it? That’s a little sketch man. I’m not sure about her, but you seem to be okay with her. By the way, what’s her name?

“There ain’t one second, times erased Every detail is still in place You hold to what you love Some things never fade And that night’s still Clear As Day”

Wow Scotty. That is insightful. I’m not even mad. That’s a pretty deep thought for someone who looks like the guy from Mad Magazine.

“We went to get some fresh air on the back porch I put my class ring by the cross on your gold chain You backed my back against those cedar clapboards My lips ain’t never been kissed that way Yeah, that night’s still Clear As Day”

WHOA!! You guys are moving pretty fast Scotty! You gave her your class ring?? You guys are pretty much married now. You’re like 12, slow down there buddy. And she is forceful, what with the backing you into cedar clapboard and kissing you and what not. Also are you old enough to be smooching? I don’t even think I’m old enough and I’m 23. But I’m still kind of scared of cooties, so whatever, to each his own.

“There ain’t one second, times erased Every detail is still in place You hold to what you love Some things never fade”

Again, I’m not even mad about this. You’re a wise man Scotty.

“I walked you to your brother’s Silverado When he climbed behind the wheel he seemed okay Last thing you said is I’ll call you tomorrow That’s a call you never got to make They blamed it on the fog and pouring rain And that night’s still Clear As Day”

WHAAATTT????!!! What just happened???? Scotty!! This song was so happy, you were falling in love and now SHE’S DEAD?? What kind of song is this? Why did you make me all happy and nostalgic and lovey dovey for the first part of this song only to drop an 20 ton brick on my head and say, “oh, hey, by the way, this girl that’s super great that I was going steady with and stuff…well, she’s actually dead. Ya. Her brother crashed in the fog and now she’s dead. But I’m cool with it now, I even wrote a song about it.” Well Scotty, I’m not cool with it. You either have a happy song or you have a sad song. You CANNOT try to have both. I am just very upset with the way this turned out in the end. And now, since she’s DEAD, I’ll never know who she is. And that’s the very worst part. You painted a terrible word picture and now I”ll never even know who she was. Not even a name.

Stupid Scotty McCreery. Stupid. I was super happy and now, well, now I’m just going to crawl into a fetal position and question my whole life. So thanks a lot Scotty.

[Disclaimer: I seem to ruffle feathers when I add my own personal comments to country songs. People are really touchy about their country music. Many were upset when I mocked the popular Little Big Town hit, Pontoon, but seriously that’s a weird song. I’m not even sorry about that. So to clarify, because apparently I need to, this is written in the tone of ‘humor’, you know, like ‘ha ha, that’s clever’ stuff like that. Also, if someone says to me, ‘maybe you should listen to the songs stupid. Then you’ll understand.” Um…I bought the whole album for 7.99 on iTunes, and while I’m not proud of this fact, I actually enjoy the thing. It makes me twitch thinking about it, but ya, I enjoy Scotty McCreery, ok, so get off my back]