Monday, September 29, 2008

I know the time is growing short but I still haven't settled on a presidential candidate yet. I haven't been that impressed by Obama or McCain. I'm too liberal for McCain and too conservative for Obama, so what is a boy to do?

Luckily, these aren't the only two candidates.

I've decided to back one of two independent candidates. A lot of times during these elections we talk about having to settle for the lesser evil. Well, I say if you're voting for evil either way, why not go for the gold?

I know that the Brain is a big proponent of greater rights for the bodily-impaired, but I'm not entirely clear on all of their political positions yet. There seems to be a subtle undercurrent of world-domination running through their speeches and statements, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

The Brain is always laughing maniacally and Max is too drunk most of the time to stand up straight. At least, he would be if he, you know, had legs and stuff. I'm hoping I can sit these two down (metaphorically speaking) for an interview and get some straight answers.

One of the things keeping me from pushing this ticket is this: these two disembodied egomaniacs are so evil they might end up arch-nemeses and plunge the entire planet into civil war. On a ticket of pure evil that's to be expected but if the war comes I don't want to have to choose between these two evil juggernauts.

I'm sure we all expected Max and Allen's Brain to throw their lot in with the rest of the presidential hopefuls but my next option is more of a dark horse who's seen his popularity on the internet take off in recent weeks. Strangely enough, he's actually not from the United States. Now, that's technically unconstitutional but something tells me that's not going to stop him from running.

I covered his arrival in our dimension a couple of weeks ago. Well, it seems he's decided to enter the race, and I for one couldn't be more excited. I mean in terms of sheer evil you can't get much more horrific then Cthulhu. The likelihood of any of the current candidates reducing the Earth to a smoking pile of rubble are pretty high, so I'm thinking why not go out in the grips of a mindless, eternal nightmare, right? You can read a synopsis of the Great Ancient One's political leanings over at The Greater Evil. Here's an excerpt:

War: Great Cthulhu enthusiastically embraces the War on Poverty, the War on Terror, the Occupation of Afghanistan and the Occupation of Iraq. He supports the expansion of these petty and half-hearted, but glorious mortal efforts and further promises that, when elected, he will launch a War on Death, a War on Confusion, and will personally occupy no fewer than three additional formerly sovereign foreign nations, beginning with Swaziland.

If you're wondering why Cthulhu doesn't have a running mate you must not be too familiar with his work. Let's just say that whoever he picked wouldn't be fit to hold the job once he got into office. Besides, would you want to stand next to the guy in photo shoots?

I'm really excited about both of these candidates and I'll let you know about how I'm working out my decision in the coming weeks.

As for the candidates, a debate may or may not be a good idea as Cthulhu may immediately reduce his opponents to mindless gibbering shells of their former (already maimed) selves. But we'll see. Good luck to all the presidential hopefuls!

I can neither confirm nor deny that I have expressed world-domination tendencies. I merely have a very strong pride in the nation, and wish them every global superiority. If I am in executive position over the USA (Um, and Max, too, of course) then, even if I should happen to rule the entire planet, it will be viewed historically as the world-reign of the United States.

I think that if you will carefully read our campaign promises--at Max's blog--you'll see that we are interested in boosting the world's perception of our country--sitting down to tip back a few with their governing authorities.

And then, of course, Free Beer Fridays twice a month for the working men and women that make this country great! (waits for applause. settles for crickets.)

Who Is This Guy?

Kitsch

A derogatory term used to describe works created specifically in order to pander to public demand. In this case, Christian demand for cutesy knick-knacks and other pseudo-spiritual items. I feel like the word 'kitschy' could describe a lot of the contemporary Christian church. We're converting the world, one t-shirt at a time.