Monday, March 27, 2017

The Art of Repeal

After years of pissing and
moaning about Obamacare, republicans finally had their chance to do something
about it. They quickly learned that all the time spent pissing and moaning
could have been put to better use. Because they had no healthcare plan. So
Donald Trump and Paul Ryan threw some random, half-ass shit together like a
Trump casino. And it failed like a Trump casino, big league. You may be wondering how this
random, half-ass bill came to be. Well, wonder no longer. Through my super
special, top secret contacts, or Russian hackers, I was able to get a copy of
Donald Trump's diary. Please enjoy the following excerpt.

The Diary of @real Donald J.
Trump

March 26, 2017

Hello Diary,

This is Donald J. Trump,
business man, billionaire and 45th President of the United States. Husband
to Melania and father of Ivanka and others.

It's been a very tough week,
Diary. One of the toughest. The fake news keeps talking about Russia. Russia,
Russia, Russia. Who cares about Russia? Look, maybe I have a deal with Putin,
maybe I don't. I'm the president. I should be able to have private deals with
foreign leaders that no one knows about. Hillary Clinton had a private email
server and no one made a big deal about that. In a certain way, I kind of miss
Hillary Clinton, Diary. Running for president was a lot easier than being
president. That I can tell you.

Not only do I have to deal with
all this Russia talk, but Paul Ryan pulled our healthcare bill because he said
we didn't have enough votes to pass it. I said to him, “Peter, look, I can get
the votes. I'm one of the great negotiators. I told the House members they vote
yes or they're fired in 2018. He said to me, “My name is Paul, not Peter.” And
I said to him, “Oh, yeah? Well I'm the President and you're not - Peter.”
Then he told me I can't fire members of Congress. What am I? An idiot? I know I
can't “fire” them, but to a certain extent, I can. Say, for example, a certain
House Member – we'll call him Peter Ryan – say Peter Ryan wants to vote against
my healthcare bill. I explain to Peter Ryan that he leaves me no choice, but to
Tweet about the FBI investigation of Peter Ryan's involvement in the Jared, The
Subway Guy scandal. Sad! Peter Ryan says that won't work. It's not true. Wrong!
This is how it works. Some stupid reporter asks the FBI if my Tweet is true.
Maybe the FBI says they can neither confirm nor deny this story. Maybe the FBI
says it's not true. Doesn't matter. The story is already out there and people
believe it. Say some reporter asks me where I got this information. I say I
read it some place. They ask where. I say, “I don't know. You people are the
ones who write this stuff.”

Now, the single most important
thing here is the American people believe my Tweet. Peter Ryan is up for re-election
in 2018, but people can't get the Subway creep out of their minds. Peter Ryan
loses and the guy I paid to run against him wins. Now, does Peter Ryan want to
vote for my healthcare bill or does he want the entire country to think he's
into twelve-year olds? Right. Peter Ryan votes for my bill. Then, in 2018, I
“leak” the Subway story anyway. Look, I need people in Congress who pass my
bills without giving me a hard time.

You see, Diary, this is how I
became president. This is what the fake news media doesn't understand. The
American people are very, very – a lot like me, okay, Diary. They don't want to
read anything longer than a Tweet. They don't want to watch a whole news
program. Who has time for that? I don't have time for that. All I need to hear is
the headlines and I base all my decisions off a headline. I understand things
better than anyone. And the American people understand that I understand. And
what they're learning is – they want to be like Trump. That I can tell you.

All my tax returns for the last
40 years could be leaked. That should be a total disaster because I've only
paid, like $15 in federal taxes. Perhaps, maybe, I send out a Tweet saying, “The
FAKE NEWS got it wrong again. SAD! Those are Don Jr.'s tax returns. Lawsuit
coming.” Then I do an interview with Bill O'Reilly. Great guy, Bill. We've
been friends for many, many years. Bill says to me, “Mr. President, how could
Don Jr. have 40 years of tax returns when he is only 39 years old?” I say to
him, I say, “I don't know, Bill. But that's Don Jr.'s name on those tax
returns. That I can tell you. Perhaps, they're fakes. I don't know where this
stuff comes from.” And truthfully, Diary, I've been filing all my tax returns
under Don Jr.'s name for years. That's a tip I give to people starting out in
business. Always name a kid after you. Boy, is he gonna be screwed if we ever
do get audited.

Anyway, healthcare. Boy, do I
hate wasting my time on healthcare. A great leader delegates and I'm one of the
great, great leaders. So, I told Peter Ryan and whoever to work on a healthcare
bill and I told them to get it done fast. We need to repeal and replace the
disaster known as Obamacare so we can move on to things I want to do. I
couldn't believe it, Diary. Could not believe it. Peter Ryan actually said to
me, “But, Mr. President, healthcare is really complicated. We need time to
negotiate-” I stopped him right there. I said, “Complicated. Get the hell out
of here with complicated. It's really very simple. Who's struggling with
Obamacare? The insurance companies are who is struggling with Obamacare. You
talk to the insurance companies, find out their needs, then write a healthcare
bill around that. I don't want to hear any of this 'Oh, but, Mr. Trump, we need
more time.' I'm on a very, very tight schedule. Who knows how long I'm going to
be here? Could be four years. Could be four months. Who knows?”

So, Peter Ryan and whoever else
was working on this come back to me two weeks later with a healthcare bill. Can
you believe this, Diary? They spent two whole weeks on healthcare. What the
hell took two weeks? I said to Peter Ryan, “What am I paying you for?” He said
to me, “You're not paying me.” What a moron. I've never seen anything like it
in my life. I said to him, “Who do you think signs the paychecks around here?
I'm the president.” He didn't say anything. Not one word. Just shook his head.
Idiot.

Anyway, Peter Ryan tells me
they want to increase premiums for the elderly. Makes sense. The elderly are
always getting sick. They've had their whole lives to get healthy. If they
didn't do it, that's their problem. Look at me. I'm 70 and my
gastroenterologist says I'm the healthiest president in the history of America.
Ever. Peter Ryan says to me we might get some resistance because a lot of elderly
people don't have that kind of money. I said, “You've got to be kidding me.
Elderly people should have more money than anyone. They've had an entire
lifetime of making money. Some of the richest people I know - all my friends
are elderly and they have lots and lots of money. Not buying it, Peter. We're
raising premiums on the elderly. It's done. What else?”

Peter Ryan says they want to
eliminate, maternity leave, prenatal care and pediatric care. Makes sense to
me. Babies should be the healthiest people of all. They haven't had a whole
lifetime of getting sick. Peter Ryan says the democrats will fight it. Give me
a break, democrats. One minute you're pro-choice, ripping babies right out of
the mothers' wombs and the next minute you want healthcare for fetuses. Make up
your mind, democrats. I told Peter Ryan, I said, “I have five kids and I've
never once taken them to the doctor.” Peter Ryan says to me, “I'm sure someone
did.” I said, “I don't know about that, but I sure didn't.”

This went on for like two
hours. Could not believe it, Diary. Two hours talking about healthcare. I
finally got so bored I just said yes to everything. And, as it turns out, we came up with a great, great healthcare plan. One of the best. We cut the wasteful
spending on hospitalization, outpatient services, emergency services,
preventative care and addiction and mental health treatment. We also gave 24
million Americans the option of not having healthcare if they can't pay for it.
In a sense, we were giving them their pride back. The disaster known as
Obamacare - and all the “so-called” bleeding heart liberals behind it - singled
out poor people. These people must have felt like bums this whole time.

Then Peter Ryan says to me, he
says, “How are we going to sell this? There is no healthcare left in the
healthcare bill.” I said, “Sure there is. Sure there's healthcare. It's like,
you go to the doctor and the part where the nurse takes you back and weighs you
and takes your temperature and your blood pressure. That's healthcare now. It's
all anyone really needs anyway. Let me tell you something, Peter Parker,
healthcare is a total fraud. A complete and total fraud. If people needed
healthcare so bad how did I raise 4 healthy kids without ever, not once, taking
them to the doctor? Answer me that.” And Peter Parker says to me, “You have 5
kids.” I said, “I know that. I said 5 kids.” But honestly, Diary, sometimes I
forget about Tiffany. What a total mistake that was. She wouldn't even be here
if republicans were pro-choice. I definitely never took that one to the doctor.
That I can tell you. Marla only got pregnant so she'd have her hands in my
money for the rest of her life. Ay-yay-yay, I shouldn't have married that one. And,
truthfully, I only did it to piss off Ivana. Speaking of Ivana, I'm giving
Ivanka an office in the White House. She, along with former Celebrity
Apprentice champion, Piers Morgan, are going to be my eyes and ears. They will
report back to me. And remember, somebody will be fired. I'm looking at
you, Peter Piper.