Cadillac Escalade vs. Mini Cooper S

Surprise Speed Tournament

We’ve constantly celebrated the spastic Mini Cooper S for offering big performance surprises in a small, efficient package. But an even bigger surprise comes in one of the biggest packages around: the behemoth Cadillac Escalade.

Yes, as speedy as the 2700-pound Cooper S is, the 5700-pound Escalade is just as quick, trailing Mini’s diminutive demon by only 0.1 second to 60 mph but beating the Cooper S by 0.2 second to the quarter-mile mark. Indeed, for a big gal, this Caddy can boogie.

Of course, both get their grunt from powerplants that are as antithetical as the wrappers they arrive in. The Cooper S’s high-tech, 1.6-liter engine uses a turbocharger to put a “bang” in “four-banger,” whereas the Escalade employs a brutal, old-school 403-hp, 6.2-liter V-8 that sucks down more than twice the fuel. Furthermore, if anything remotely resembling a curve turns up in the middle of that quarter-mile run, David will eat Goliath for lunch.

Still, we think even the concept of drag-racing a Cooper S against an Escalade is downright cartoonish fun. Disagree? Check out the video.