Tuesday, April 29, 2014

See You laters, Goodbyes and the Grief Between the Two.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of
us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. 2
years ago today I was fresh out of the hospital, and I had a horrible fall in
the shower while trying not to sneeze because my cut was still so fresh that I
did anything not to use my abdominal muscles. Horrible day. 1 year ago today a
seamless trip to Farmville, Virginia, yeah I know where in the hell is that,
well it's in West Bubble, but anyways I was going with Auntie Yvette to check
on her mommy. I packed a quick bag a hopped in Uncle Jeff's new truck to go see
about the pretty lady name Evelyn. The 4-hour ride Auntie Yvette and I did our
usual gossip and other mischievous things. Then a call came from the surgeon on
call that was about to operate on Ms. Evelyn. Everything quickly turned upside
down almost instantly. I still to this day don't know how we went from a trip
to check on Ms. Evelyn to a life threatening surgery so quickly. The rest of
the ride was somber, mid way there we traded and I drove while Auntie Yvette
rested, called her sister Karen and tried to prepare her self for bad news, not
knowing neither of us could prepare for what was coming. When we got to the
hospital she was already in surgery and we played the waiting game. Me, Auntie
Yvette, and Ms. Evelyn's friend Ms. Dot sat waiting until she came out of
surgery. Somewhere around 2 am she came out of surgery and that woman was not
the woman I knew. The doctor told us that the next several hours were a
critical period and were her post op care was crucial to her survival. We
prayed a lot cried a little, and went to Ms. Evelyn's house to clean up and
rest for a while. After getting things in order at the house Auntie Yvette and
Ms. Dot settled on the couch to rest and I went into the infamous AKA shrine
room to close my eyes under the pink and green adorned room. It seemed as just
at I was closing my eyes under the covers in bed Auntie Yvette screaming peeled
my eyes wide open, that’s when I knew something bad happened. Auntie Yvette was
on the floor crying and Ms. Dot sat in disbelief, the hospital called to say
her heart stopped beating and she was on a respirator that was breathing and
working for her. Her organs were failing and her body had gone into septic
shock. Her insides were failing from the poisonous waste being spilled in her
body. She was dying and there was nothing anyone of us could do about it. An
Advanced Directive is a legal document that you cannot deter from in any shape
or form what is on that document does. Along with that was a very explicit Do
Not Resuscitate order. The DNR Ms. Evelyn signed was so specific it would scare
anyone who read it, and Auntie Yvette made it very clear that if we did not
obey it Ms. Evelyn would come back and haunt us. She was dead serious about
that, and I believed her. She passed later on that morning, and at that was the
moment that defined me as a niece. At that moment 4 hours away from our
families I became the back bone to my aunt, my grown aunt that I looked up to
for years needed me, the same aunt that every time I needed something I looked
to her at that moment she needed me more that she ever could have needed anyone
else. At that moment I realized I was growing more then anyone could know. We
wrapped our business at the hospital went back to the house and the first thing
Yvette L. Gray said is she had a teleconference. I never looked at anyone so
sideways at my life, and then I realized this woman is the same person as I am.
If you know me you know I will do anything not to think about my latest life
shambles. Well so does she, she puts things in the back of her mind until she
is ready to deal with them, she has a slight case of OCD, she was going to
break at any moment, and I was her glue. After exhaling I began to take control
of the situation. I produced the agenda for the day; we showered for the day
and began to plan a funeral. Now if anyone knows my Auntie Yvette you know she
goes OVER THE TOP FOR EVERYTHING! Like seriously, everything we had a moon
bounce and like 200 eggs for 6 kids on Easter Sunday. So we already know how
this funeral was going to go. It was going to be perfect. I confiscated her
phone and was her driver in Farmville the rest of the day, well I mean she had to
give me directions everywhere but you get the point. After a grueling day of
life smacking us in the face we began our journey home. She was not okay, and
neither was I. When we finally got home she dropped me off I walked in
the house went directly to my room and I cried. I cried because I don't
understand why my family seems to not catch a break. From my cancer to this,
from Markus having trouble in school to that, from Courtney trying to be the
one keeping us siblings together our parents were clearly stressed, and this
was not something she or I needed, or was it? This past year has been tough but
the bond between my aunt and I truly has become so unreal. If I don't speak
with her 3 times a week something is wrong, she calls me first with her
toughest life problems. Me, her 22-year-old niece I am her life coach, and she
is mine. I have learned more from her in this one year than I have over the
course of our aunt/niece relationship and we have been exactly what each other
needed at the exact moment we have needed it every single time. Don't y'all see
how God can have somebody in your life for years and you don't see his or her
purpose until way later. See at this point I’m preaching way better then y'all
saying Amen. LOL! The dictionary defines grief
as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp
sorrow; painful regret. As people we’re taught to learn from and rely on books,
on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions
rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear
little resemblance to mourning. This year has taught me this very important lesson. Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks
different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve - it’s life, it’s
loss, it’s change, and when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has
to hurt so bad, the thing we have to try to remember is that it can turn on the
drop of a dime. That folks, that’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much
you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one-day,
somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief
comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. The really crappy thing,
the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do
is try to let ourselves feel it, when it comes, and try like hell to let it go
when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it,
it starts all over again. Always, every time, it takes your breath away. There
are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are
always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression, and finally, Acceptance.