Ned Stark is alive and well and trapped in a British stoner comedy

Tara Ward watches Wasted, a buzzy British comedy starring spirit guide Sean Bean as every famous Sean Bean character ever.

Imagine discovering your subconscious mind can manifest itself into the form it trusts the most. It’s an alarming thought, mostly because mine would reveal itself as an electrifying mix of Suzy Cato and Astar from Good Morning. Thankfully for Morpheus, loveable character of surreal comedy Wasted, it’s a more appealing imaginary vision: it’s Sean flipping Bean.

Wasted follows the exploits of four English twenty-somethings who spend their days getting completely off their faces. Whenever Morpheus makes a dumb decision — like naked spooning his best friend’s mother — Spirit Guide Sean Bean surfaces from his subconscious to set him straight. Except it’s not just Sean Bean; it’s Sean Bean playing himself, Ned Stark and that bloke who died in Lord of the Rings, all in one gorgeous, fur lined package.

Who better to navigate a confused, love-sick fool through a wilderness of bad decisions than a souped up Lord of Winterfell? Couldn’t we all do with a Sean Bean Spirit Guide, a gruff recurring vision who serves up horns of beer and tough love whenever needed? “You’re a right donkey,” Sean Bean tells Morpheus, and suddenly both Morpheus’ life and my own seem a whole lot clearer.

Sean Bean is indeed a gift from the spirit world. He knows everything, sees everything, and has an impressive collection of Ikea rug capes. Let’s take off to Wasted, the mystical plane where Sean Bean rules them all, and discover why he’s the only Spirit Guide you’ll ever need. Just don’t call him Ned, or ask when winter is coming.

He’s got better work stories

Sean Bean lost his balls in battle and is no stranger to a random poo situation. “I live in medieval times, every dump is a street dump. Outside a tavern, in ditches, dropped one off a horse. One time I left one on a drawbridge.” Forget being a Spirit Guide, let’s sign Sean Bean up as the next Bachelor NZ.

He eats candy floss like a boss

It’s an important quality and you know it.

He is a bottomless pit of 100% accurate advice about women

Look, the man was in Lady Chatterly’s Lover, he knows what he’s talking about.

He’s got his priorities straight

“You’ve got to decide what’s more important: prancing round the fair like a ninny, or getting in there and getting your roots watered.” It’s advice for the ages, especially if you’re a desperate virgin standing in a forest, dressed as a mythical berry man.

He vapes banoffee pie, just because he can

One banana-flavoured smoke ring to rule them all.

He gives Dr Phil a run for his money

With gems like “be yourself” and “look inside” followed by an uplifting poo-anecdote, Sean Bean is the life coach we never knew we needed.

But most of all, because he’s Sean fucking Bean

“I’m Sean Bean. I can do what I like”. Who are we to argue with someone else’s subconscious?

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