Where some guy rolls up in a convertible with a very elaborate hairdo and we think it's okay to make jokes about his penis size.

"Look at that ridiculous car. Hehehehe. He must be overcompensating for something."

Silence.

"Hehe. You know, small penis syndrome."

Oh no, we get it. We really totally get what you're talking about. But it's not funny. It wouldn't be funny to say that a woman who rolls up in a fancy car is compensating for having a large vagina, so why is it funny to say about a man?

Why has the male genitalia become such a completely acceptable target for our derision.And if the guy does have small junk, well whose the asshole now? Not him. Us. We are. Because we're making fun of a medical condition.

Microphallus i.e. micro penis is a birth defect.Or a genetic mutation. It happens when the fetus doesn't get enough testosterone or if there's a mutation in the gene SRD5A2.

Having a micro penis or even having a small penis isn't really a joke.It doesn't make a person better or worse as a human. It probably causes them a lot of emotional pain. And frankly what someone's packing in their pants isn't exactly your business unless you're planning on unpacking it personally and getting down. And you're definitely not making the world a better more equitable place for all of us when you bring up penis size casually as if it IS a joke.

But in our culture it seems to be allowed as a jokey insult.But do any of us actually feel happy, comfortable, at peace, when we're talking about another person's sex organs as if we have the right to do so? Do we have the right to even do so? Is that a right? Or is it some fucked up entitlement shit?

When it comes to women saying shitty things about men, there might be an issue of oppression entitlement.You know, you've heard so many hurtful comments said about, towards, against women, that you feel entitled to make them yourself, but against men. You feel angry, tired, irritated, and you don't see the point in being nice, or decent, or respectful. Because if your team isn't going to be given the respect it deserves then why the hell should the other team?

Except that someone has to be the bigger person.

Like when your relationship is failing.If you're both waiting for the other person to step up and do better, then you're on the HOV lane towards divorce. You can't wait for the person you love to do better. YOU have to do better.

And that means, that as women, we have to do better.

We don't get a free pass when we open our mouths and start spewing hate speech. Hundreds of years of oppression didn't buy us a get out jail for free card. And I would really really really love it if men started rejecting the stereotypes and biases and sexist bullshit that gets laid on them from the moment they leap out of the womb with the greatest of intentions, only to discover that their world is only slightly more hospitable than Mars.

***

I guess if you were a man you could say that when a woman makes penis-size comments that's a micro aggression.It's used to shame and belittle one man, but in fact it is an aggression against all men. Because if you're just standing around minding your own business and some woman starts talking about penis size and you happen to not have a big one then where does that leave you?

Feeling uncomfortable. Feeling not good enough. Feeling a sense of shame that you now need to escape.

And even if you happen to be well endowed, are you feeling comfortable with someone making sexist comments about the people of your gender? Or does it just wash over you?

I don't know.Maybe you've gotten to a point where you're so good at shoving your feelings down that it doesn't register. But it's not nothing.

It's part of a larger issue.You know, where we expect men to have no discernible feelings and yet to be sensitive to the myriad of emotions that a woman might have. We want men to be tough-it-out soldiers who can take anything, and then we wonder why a young boy shoots a bunch of people in his school.

We wonder why rape is an issue. We wonder why violence is an issue. We wonder why most political interactions seem like a bunch of school-yard bullies jostling for the front spot at the lunch line.

At some point, some of us have to call a truce, and just say no to ALL discrimination. All denigration.All dehumanization.All stereotyping.All labelling.All hatred/All ignorance.

It's going to be hard, at first.We're going to stumble along for a while. Still making stupid comments. Still being mildly or greatly offensive. Still wondering why we feel shitty at the end of the day. But we will get there. If the greater goal is to make everyone feel safe and included, then trying and failing is worth it.

And I do mean EVERYONE.

We don't get to pick and choose inclusion. That, my friends, is not inclusion.

It's 100% difficult.

And 0% fun.

It's way more fun to call Trump a dickhead then to use your words to accurately describe the behaviour he takes that you disagree with.

It's way more fun to say that a man is probably overcompensating then it is to unpack the reasons why their alpha swagger makes you feel uncomfortable.

But nobody ever said that working to make the world a better place would be fun.Important, yes. Difficult, yes. Worthwhile, yes. But fun? Oh hell no!

Many pockets of feminism would like to paint women as sacred cows who can do no wrong. While men as the evil-doers who are responsible for all ills in the world. But the truth is that women are just as capable of acting like assholes as men are.

And not just capable. We straight up screw people over, act catty, aggressive, insulting, oppressive, and toxic. We kill. We rape. We main. We blow shit up. We wage war. We are not innocent. Not by a long shot.

I didn't consciously realize this until a couple year ago.After an epic blow up, I came to the conclusion that I was just at much at fault for the relationship problems I was experiencing as my partner was. Having somehow subconsciously decided many years before that men were the root of all evil, I believed that all acts of relationship aggression came from my partner. Not me.

That's pretty sexist. In so many ways.

After one particularly spectacular fight my partner and I had the kind of talk that either results in a dramatic break up or in the beginning of a healing process that changes everything. I think I could feel what was at stake, and so despite my desire to finger point and blame, I managed to listen. To ask questions about my partner's experience of me. And to actually, for real, hear the criticism.

And I was shocked.It was like I'd suddenly been given a movie of all the shitty horrible things I had ever said and done to him, and I was unable to walk away or ignore it. I was stuck there watching this movie unfold inside my mind, act after ugly act.

It was not pretty. But boy was I grateful. I could have gone my entire life never seeing my own guilt - my own responsability. And thus never seeing how I could change. How I could be better.

I had already been eating up relationship books like they were chocolate and I was on my period. So I knew about male sensitivity. And I knew that women could hurt their men deeply just using their words. But I had no idea how potent my ability to make my partner feel unsafe was.

Unsafe.

That's what I discovered.

I could make a man who is physically twice as strong as me feel unsafe.

You may not strike terror into the heart of your male partner, but you can definitely make him feel unsafe.

***

Every man started his life as a baby. A tiny human being who had to navigate a world that expects men to be "manly". And whatever that baby boy's parents decided manly meant resulted in how he was treated.

Many young boys are treated in a surprisingly abusive way. They're spoken to and treated in ways that a little girl would rarely experience. Because our idea of boys is that they're tough and they can take it.

Newsflash! They're not tough. And they can't take it. It might appear that they can. But it's all going to come out in the wash somehow, somewhere, in some strange form.

***

For years I had basically had no male friends.I didn't seek out male friends. I didn't even think it was possible to be friends with men. I basically objectified men as being only good as romantic or sexual partners. In my head, men simply weren't capable of being friends with a girl.

In the past 5 years I've changed.

Becoming best friends with my romantic partner allowed me to understand men in a way that I could never have before.I no longer viewed men as simply scary creatures that were probably up to no good. Instead I viewed men as complex beings who were able to experience pain, suffering, trauma, and love just as much as women.

I discovered that men are as romantic, and sometimes more so, than women. I discovered that men are incredibly sensitive. The way they express it and deal with it might be different from how women do. But that doesn't erase the fact that it's there.

For the past few years I've worked in a restaurant with mostly men. There are three women on a staff of about 15. And on a usual day I might be one of two women in the building. Which means that I've spent A LOT of time talking to men about their lives, about their relationships, about their concerns, their interests, their perspectives.

In a restaurant you typically have a 3 hours window where most of what you're doing is talking. You're polishing glasses and cutlery, you're folding napkins, you're setting up the room. You don't do these activities in silence. You talk -- the entire time.

This experience has been a huge blessing.Being the minority means that I have learned to listen carefully, to speak up when I hear something that isn't okay, and to try my best to understand differing perspectives. Having previously worked in majority female environments, this has been my first time being surrounded by sensitive men from a variety of cultural backgrounds.

Most of the men I work with are introspective and introverted.They're pretty far from the stereotype of the manly man that we see displayed on screens in the cineplex. Our resident Alpha Male is a former opera singer with an obsession for bit coin, who is a self-professed romantic.

Over the past few years, as I've tried to pay more attention to the men in my life, the men coming into my place of work, I've come to the tentative conclusion that those so-called Manly Men are actually few and far between.

Someone who on first glance looks like he might fit into the stereotypical alpha role on second glance turns out to be eccentric, or introverted, or highly sensitive, or artistic. It's rare that I encounter a man who checks all of those Manly Man boxes.

And so I'm starting to believe that it's largely a myth. Like the big foot. Or the loch ness monster. I'm starting to believe that even those men who do appear to be hyper "masculine" are in fact just as sensitive as anyone else. Whether I'm right or not doesn't really matter. What matters is that we extend the possibility that women have been oppressing men in a very subtle way for just as long as they have been oppressing us.

Like evil fraternal twins in a soap opera, we've both been out to get each other.

Part of moving forward as a culture, achieving true equality, achieving gender parity, will have to come from women admitting that they are just as capable and guilty of being oppressive as their male counterparts. We have to dig ourselves out of this hole together. Because in many ways we've gotten here together.

But it's going to take compassion, understanding, and an eye to moderate our own behaviour, and dial back our generalist finger pointing. Sure it's probably true that out in the world men wage more wars, kill more people, and generally wreak more violent havoc. But in the home, it's unlikely that the man is the only one at fault. That the woman is an innocent bystander who has never made her partner feel small, insignificant, unloved, alone, or unsafe.

It's a common thread in spiritual teachings that you must give to others what you think has not been given to you. Only then will you receive it. We must give love. Compassion. Acceptance. Openness. Understanding. Generosity. Empathy.

And we must, as women, unravel our own sexist thoughts and behaviours, the ones that oppress men. That rob them of complexity and humanity. Only by doing ourselves what we expect them to do for us will we find the equality that we so deeply desire.

I have to constantly re-motivate myself and remind myself that what I'm going after is something I don't get to quit. It's not a casual ambition. It's not something that I think will be cool or neat. It's something that I think matters so much that even though it might cost me a lot I need to go for it.

I'm talking about women on screen.Women in the media. Women represented in a way that actually represents the full spectrum of women in the world. Women directing stories. Women writing stories. Women working with technology. Women having as much decision-making power as men when it comes to telling the narratives that shape our culture on the big screen and in the mass media.

Right now when I go on to Netflix to find something to watch it usually takes me ages to find anything that I really want to watch. Despite the huge amount of content being created right now, I just rarely find anything that speaks to me as a 30-something female who is interested in things beyond just romance.

This is when you pipe up about this show and that show and this movie that all feature strong female leads.Yup, you're right. Those shows exist. That movie exists. But I'm talking about numbers. About the sheer number of stories created BY and ABOUT women. And the numbers are low, low, low.

I mean I could just watch rom coms written and directed by men.And don't get me wrong, I love rom coms as much as the next person. And I have no problem with rom coms made by men. But I want to watch movies written by women, about women, directed by women, that represent diversity.

Because invariably if you do find a movie that is about more than just a woman trying to find the man of her dreams, then it's featuring an all-white cast. And that's just as upsetting to me as an all-male cast.

I don't live in an all-white world or an all-male world or an all-hetero world, so why the frigg would I want to watch that false world play out over and over and over again on a screen.

And yes, I see that there are more females being written. More strong females. And I get excited. But as I'm watching whatever the latest strong-female thingy is, I usually get the feeling that something is missing. That the female perspective isn't quite right. And then I check the team and see that it's written by a man and directed by a man and produced by a man.

I'm not saying I want men to stop making movies. Far from it. I just want to see as many movies and TV shows being written and directed and produced by females, so that when I just want to watch a story that actually reflects a female perspective it doesn't take me an hour to find one.

Which is why I don't get to quit. Because being dejected is easy. Giving up is easy. Complaining is easy. But change doesn't happen when you give up. Change happens when you put one foot in front of the other, keep taking those deep breaths, keep sitting down and doing the work, keep finding inspiration, keep finding ways to love the journey.

Change happens over time. It's a long game. It's a game of persistence and consistency and dedication and love.

Love.

That's the one we often forget.

When you see something you love and you want it to change then you participate in bringing that change to life.

Quitting is a privilege that you forgo when you decide that something matters more than your own comfort.

The scene: a busy restaurant. Saturday night. The place is loud, boisterous, full of energy. A female server is taking a drink order from a table of three men in their 50s.

Man 1: Sure I'll have that. Sound goods. But don't give it to me in a girly glass.

Me: You don't want it in a girly glass?

Man 1: No, give me a manly glass.

Me: I don't think we have girly glasses anymore to be honest with you. I think they all broke.

I can't really hear what he says next. The music is really loud and there's a big party right next to us. It sounds kind of like...

Man 1: Well mumble mumble big fucking manly glass.

Me: Sure.

I look over to Man 2 and ask him if I can get him anything. His eyes bore into my head like he's trying to tell me that it's okay if I launch into a tirade on sexism right now.

Man 2: Well that was embarrassing.

I shrug, as if to say, sir, I've definitely seen worse.

Man 2: Uh, no I'm fine.

Man 3 looks apologetic and embarrassed.

***

In case you're wondering, this isn't some strange isolated incident.It's pretty common for men, especially outwardly alpha-males to be concerned about getting their cocktails served to them in what they deem a girly glass.

It's kind of absurd.But what I assume they mean when they say they don't want a girly glass is that they don't want a glass that is delicate or curvy or breakable or has a long stem. When they say they don't want a girly cocktail I assume they don't want something that's pink, and fruity, and sweet, and frothy.

The whole thing makes no sense though. And I'm kind of sick of entertaining the idiocity of it.

To be a girl just means to have female anatomy. That's it. I guess there used to be a time when "girl" had other associations like delicacy and sweetness and lots of ruffles. But those days are most definitely over.

Or maybe they aren't. For some people I guess they aren't.

If there were such a thing as a girly glass it would definitely be the ever-present wine glass. It's made of crystal, has a tall and delicate stem, beautiful curves, and it sparkles in the light. So if we're going to use gender stereotypes to describe our glassware I would say that every wine glass you've ever sipped from is most definitely girly.

Of course I've never had anyone ask me for a manly wine glass. This whole issue of gendered glassware is just related to cocktails.

Maybe it's because the word "cock" is present in the word cocktail.It's a subtle reminder that one's masculinity might be at risk when even ordering one of these drinks. That's probably a stretch. But who really knows? The whole idea of gendered glassware is so bizarre to me I feel like it's not out of the range of possibilities.

But now I have a new way of dealing with it.

A solution that a friend of mine who has had to deal with both subtle and overt forms of racism his whole life gave me a tip on how to deal with situations like this.

The tool: playing dumb.

Someone asks you for a manly glass and you respond, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. I'm not sure we have what you're looking for." With every sexist response they make you just keep asking questions "trying to understand" what they're saying. You could keep this going until either you get tired or they get the point that what they're saying makes no sense.

***

The scene: a busy restaurant. Saturday night. The place is loud, boisterous, full of energy. A female server is taking a drink order from a table fo three men in their 50s.

Man 1: Sure I'll have that. Sound goods. But don't give it to me in a girly glass.

Me: Sorry, what kind of glass?

Man 1: A girly glass. Don't give me a girly glass.

Me: I'm not sure I know what you mean by that.

Man 1: (getting frustrated) I just want a big fucking manly glass.

Me: You want a manly glass?

Man 1: Yes.

Me: I really don't know what you mean by that. We have rocks glasses, collins glasses, coups, beer glasses, and wine glasses. Which would you like?

Man 1: Which one is the manliest?

Me: Honestly, I'm not really sure. I've never thought about the gender of our glassware before. How about I just bring it to you in the glass it normally comes out in?

Man 1: (irritated but losing the battle) I just don't want something that's delicate and difficult to hold. You know...a girly glass!

Me: Oh, okay, I think I get it. You don't want a glass that's easy to spill. Sure. Next time just ask for a rocks glass and then I'll know exactly what you want.