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future welfare depends on it®

YOU
HAVE NO CHOICE, SCUMMO

There
has never been a better time to become a fan of the English Premier League.

It really is the world’s
BIGGEST league! Why? Because we say it is, time and time
and time and time and time and time and time and time and time again -
and you’re stupid enough to believe us.

For just £599.99 a month, you can enjoy:-

England’s FULLEST
and QUIETEST stadiums!

Europe’s finest
SPIT-ROASTING videos!

The planet’s
DULLEST five man midfields!

The world’s HIGHEST
PAID players! Wait. Did we say players? Because we actually meant
SLAVES.

The globe’s
most PRESPOSTEROUS hyperbole, with the Earth’s
THICKEST and most SICKENINGLYSYCHOPHANTIC
journalists literally FALLING OVER THEMSELVES to
get to the BUFFET in the pressbox, while unknowingly
being partly responsible for the league becoming the most VACOUS
and OBSCENE professional sports competition outside
North America!

The solar system’s most MORALLYBANKRUPT
and sometimes GENOCIDAL foreign owners!

The galaxy’s
most BRAIN-CHOKINGLY ARROGANT and BASICALLY WRONG
SCOTTISH CO-COMMENTATOR!

But
that’s not all. For just £5999.99 per day, you can subscribe
to Skam Sports HD and watch the drama of this amazing competition
unfold in glorious high definition on a huge plasma screen you couldn’t
possibly afford, but bought anyway.

> WATCH
in AMAZEMENT as Manchester United accidentally concede
a genuine goal – AT OLD TRAFFORD! How can you PREDICT
such INSANITY?

> MARVEL at Stoke City’s plucky attempt to attain
the magical 12 point tally – is this BORING or
a CELEBRATION of MEDIOCRITY? WE
will be the judge of that.

> GASP as fans accept the takeover of their club in
dubious leveraged loan deal with barely a whimper because they think it
might HELP them move from fourth to….. still fourth
but not as FAR BEHIND THIRD as the season before - and
then act all SURPRISED when their club is run in a similar
fashion to a large multi-national BUSINESS.

> BE ASTOUNDED by the sickening sight of a multimillionaire
footballer who earns more in six seconds than a nurse does in her lifetime
DEMANDING a LUCRATIVE TRANSFER to a
SLIGHTLY BIGGER CLUB!

> View in AMAZEMENT as, with hundreds of genuine fans
locked outside, the middle executive tier remains resolutely EMPTY
for the ENTIRE game as overpaid City workers reject WATCHING
the GAME with their actual EYES in favour
of taking copious amounts of COKE in the toilets shortly
before SPUNKING in the face of a crack-addled Polish
prostitute.