2007-01-03

Koran-squatting

Much is being made today of reports that interrogators in Guantánamo squatted over Korans in order to infuriate Muslim prisoners. As I read that, I wonder if the prisoners would have been equally upset if someone squatted over any other book, or any other stack of papers. And, I'm wondering if the guards would have been upset if the prisoner turned around and squatted over a Bible.

In fact, I couldn't keep the rather bizarre image of a multi-confessional squatting session as a substitute for blowing people up.

The Muslims would squat over Torahs, Bibles, Vedas, and the texts of any group they wanted to terrorize. Christians, Jews, and Hindus would retaliate by squatting over Korans. All over the world, young men would sidle into cafés, and, before anyone could stop them, they would throw a sacred text to the floor and squat over it. In the relatively more secular USA, American flag squatting would undoubtedly be even more effective than Bible squatting.

As the level of terror raised, there would be escalations: women and young people would be recruited to go on these squatting missions. Imagine the horror of sitting in a dimly-lit café with your love, sipping espresso whilst staring into one another's eyes, when suddenly, without warning, a young child of nine or ten would throw the Stars and Stripes on the floor and squat over it!

The next level of escalation would involved dropping trousers or lifting skirts. This would surely bring the police into play, not to mention the sanitation services of the country. And of course, the level of horror would be incredible, because truly, who can imagine anything that could match the devastating impact of witnessing someone squat over your sacred object? Especially someone whose lowered trousers revealed a patched and stained undergarment!

The only possible response would be to fight fire with fire: vendors of sacred objects the world around would experience a surge of sales. Soon, everyone would be carrying around a copy of their enemy's most holy thing. That way, if someone squatted over the Koran in the presence of a Muslim, the response would be quick and certain: the Muslim could whip out a Torah and squat over it! The lex talionis would be the rule of the day.

Soon, however, even the widespread horror of sacred-object squatting wouldn't be enough to satisfy the lust of would-be squatters around the world: the next inevitable step would be desecration. Yes, although it may seem impossible to imagine that any human being could so depraved, soon Koran-squatting would involve Koran-spitting and Koran-peeing, and outraged Muslims would counterattack by publicly adorning flags, Bibles, Torahs, and Vedas with their own bodily fluids. It would be a spit-bath of global proportions.

Clearly, strict laws and punishments must be imposed to prevent this. More honorable methods such as aerial invasion, car bombs, and martyr operations can be used without disrespect for each other's sacred objects, which, after all, is the only human thing to do.

The interrogators guantanameros who started down the slippery slope should be publicly embarrassed for the use of such methods: they should be forced to witness prisoners squatting over the interrogators' own sacred things. Hopefully, the sight of this extreme punishment will discourage other would-be agressive squatters enough to nip this chain of horror in the bud.