For a two-hour “special” (oh yes I did) billed as highlighting the “bad boys” on this season of The Bachelorette, The Men Tell All didn’t deliver the goods.

Bad boys? Please! I dated guys in high school more menacing than these milque toasts. Come to think of it, a kid kicked out of my son’s preschool had more edge than Ben et al. The “villains” are merely mildly annoying and that is just one of the problems plaguing this season of the reality-TV franchise. Other spurned suitors for the hand of one Des Hartsock are sanctimonious, bewildered and apologetic. Host Chris Harrison draws wild applause from the studio audience for merely name dropping the three men still in the running – Chris, Drew and Brooks. And that’s about all for those three, as they will be nowhere to be found for the next 120 minutes. We’re here to wallow in the misery of the rejected, people, so let’s get to it!

But first, we hit the road with Des and host Chris Harrison as they crash various Bachelorette viewing parties. The odd couple creep a house in L.A. where a posse full of women are watching the show. They are welcomed in, much hugging ensues. (Wait, why does Harrison get the remote? And why are there men at this party?)

On to the next fete, where a man opens the door for our rascally party crashers. Well, they do have giant, Cougartown-sized wine glasses, so that explains that. Cut to New York, and former Bachelorette Ashley Hebert and her hubby J.P. Rosenbaum join the festivities. “They’re welcoming us with open arms,” she enthuses. “And open bars,” he adds. (This is why I love J.P., even though I didn’t watch his season. His Tweets alone are swoon worthy. See?)

Then former Bachelor Jason Mesnick, wife Molly Malaney and baby join the party, as does the woman who started it all: Trista Sutter. She really doesn’t bring much, though, other than to say that Des deserves love, just like everyone else. So, she really doesn’t bring much. Of more interest is when Chris Harrison says that the next season of The Bachelor will air in January, which is a much longer break than usual.

Then former Bachelor Jason Mesnick, wife Molly Malaney and baby join the party, as does the woman who started it all: Trista Sutter. She really doesn’t bring much, though, other than to say that Des deserves love, just like everyone else. So, she really doesn’t bring much. Of more interest is when Chris Harrison says that the next season of The Bachelor will air in January, which is a much longer break than usual.

Ben was roundly booed during The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All special.

And speaking of not getting started, former Bachelorettes hang out with Des in a tropical backyard to offer her advice for The Men Tell All. Emily Maynard sums it up for the group (which include Ali Fedotowsky and Hebert again) when she tells Des that part of her “is glad I ripped him a new one.” So, go for the jugular is the consensus.

Now’s the time, seeing as we’re finally in the studio with the gents who didn’t make the cut. Robert, Dan, Nick M., Brad, Jonathan, Bryden, Brandon, Will and Zack K. receive polite applause, while James and Ben draw loud boos. James gets scattered applause, which is totally overshadowed by the roar of approval for Juan Pablo. Kasey (honestly, once again I had to look up his name, as he’s such a non-entity) gets claps, as does Michael G. and a very tan Zak W. gets cheers.

And that go for the jugular reference? Should have saved that for Chris Harrison, as he sprinkles salt in the freshest wound, which belongs to Zak W. “It was so easy to fall in love and let myself go,” Zak says of his time on the show. Don’t worry, Zak. Chris will get back to you later so we can all really see you suffer.

The guys talk a bit about how it was to be in the house, with a highlight reel to remind us all of the misdeeds committed by Jonathan (who tried to talk Des into visiting the fantasy suite the first night and was shown the door), Brian (girlfriend showed up on set and confronted the dirty dog) and James (who had the temerity to discuss what might happen in his life if things didn’t happen with Des).

We see the rise and fall of Ben, the single father who initially charmed Des by introducing her to his charming four-year-old son, but who earned the wrath of the entire house for – say it with me – not being there for the right reasons. Even he admits that he behaved less than gentlemanly during his exit interview in the Limo Ride of Shame. “I think everybody has to realize exactly where I was at that point. I was just dumped by a girl I really like,” he says, adding he felt like he had been “battered for eight hours” by Michael’s unrelenting questioning. “The only thing I regret about the show were the things I said in the limo.”

Who is this guy, anyway? Anyone? Bueller?

There’s some back and forth on what the mother of Ben’s child may or may not have said, but not much is resolved in the end. (Is there shorthand for that? Can we just agree to NMIRITD? Or should I just write never mind?)

Next in the “hot seat” is James, whose sin is to have maybe discussed what he might do if he wasn’t chosen by Des with his bro Mikey. There’s plenty of he said, he said, with Kasey interjecting that he heard that one of them said they could “meet all these tall girls with a lot of money!” What’s that acronym again? Oh right: Never mind.

The next segment is much more enjoyable: a good five minutes with Juan Pablo. “In the history of this show, no guy has made a greater impact with less screen time than our soccer-playing single dad,” Chris Harrison declares. “He’s the fan favourite we barely got to know.”

Well we don’t know too much more about him when his time in the spotlight is over, other than the native of Venezuela seems devoted to his daughter, he doesn’t date a lot because he has his child on the weekends and he can rock the heck out of a Speedo. But we already knew that, right ladies?

The 31-year-old talks about how he just wants to find a step-mother for his daughter and have more kids. When footage of his touching exit interview airs, women (yes, more than one) in the audience tear up (and probably more than one lady at home reached for a hankie). Just think of the crossover potential: Juan Pablo as the first Latino Bachelor. Ole!

Zak W. didn’t see it coming when Des sent him home last week and returned the ring he gave her.

Now it’s back to Zak W. to pick at some of those scabs that have yet to heal. “I spend half my year out on the rig. There’s not a lot of girls out there,” says the Texan. He’s getting older, his friends have settled down and are having kids and he has fallen behind. “You get to a certain age and it becomes a lot more difficult,” he says. And now for more salt in that open wound: Chris Harrison pulls out the journal Zak gave Des. He intended for her to fill it with moments from their time together, but it was not to be.

But there’s more: Zak wrote a poem to Des in the journal in invisible ink. And Chris gets him to read it. One line reads, “Love is our only hope for happiness.” The audience applauds, but Zak doesn’t look too happy. When Chris asks if he’s still in love with Des, he replies, “Yeah, it won’t go away.”

Here comes the woman herself: Des walks in, wearing a gold minidress. Taking a cue from Tierra, she hasn’t lost her sparkle, as the outfit is yet another in the long line of bedazzled duds she’s worn this season. She takes on a lightweight first, referring to Jonathan’s first-night’s antics as “a disgrace to all men.” She accepts his apology, then moves on to Brian, then Ben, whom she dubs “insincere.”

She sets her sights on James, taking him to task for what he allegedly said. “You don’t talk about your second wife while you’re still with your first,” she says, adding “I was being manipulated by you 100 percent.” When she tells him that he shouldn’t have been talking or thinking about life outside the show, as “You were in a relationship,” he’s had it. “But you are in a relationship with 25 guys,” James points out. Which is the more realistic outlook? Again, much is said, nothing is resolved, never mind.

Then it’s time for Zak and Des to work it out, which they don’t really. At one point, she tells him “you were very similar to me, you hide behind your smile.” And then she smiles at him! This show can be totally bat-poop crazy sometimes. But Zak does perform a song he wrote about his experience on the show, and whoa! Someone’s been practicing! Way to go Zak, you even pulled some Juan Pablo-sized tears out of the audience.

And what better to follow honest-to-goodness heartbreak but a blooper reel? The highlight has to be Des and Bryden being strafed by glass votive holders crashing around them as the candles burn the strings that tie them to the tree branches above. (Although Des’ stinkface at having to use a Porta-Potty is pretty amusing, too.)

But wait, after almost two hours of filler and farce, they’re dangling the promise of a “season’s ending is like no other, due to circumstances that none of us could have predicted,” according to Chris . . . And with that, my PVR kicks me off of the early Eastern feed and won’t let me access my recordings. Thanks Shaw! Fortunately, I followed the sage advice of IT departments the world over and unplugged the box, which rebooted itself pronto. Whew! Crisis averted.

And thank God! Because wow does this look like a total train wreck. “It’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen on this show,” Harrison says. A blond lady in the audience serves as our stand-in, rolling her eyes to the high heavens. “I know I’ve said that before, but I really, really mean it this time.”

Now for the preview: we start with the usual of L-bombs of love, love, love; making out, making out, making out; tears, tears, tears. But then it all seemingly goes awry: “I just want to go home, to be honest,” Des seems to tell Chris Harrison in a tropical locale. We see a shell-shocked looking Drew saying, “I don’t get it.” There’s Chris in a suit, so it looks like he makes final two, but then Des tells him “I don’t know if I see our futures together.” Or is that a trick of editing? There is a ring. There is Brooks crying. And there is Des: “Honestly, for me, it’s over.”

So, what do you think? Will there really be a game changer next week, or is it just the classic Bachelor bait and switch? What about The Men Tell All special? Did you manage to watch it all without the aid of a mind-altering substance? (I only got through by taking a mental-health break to watch the trailer for the Veronica Mars movie.) Share your thoughts below and I’ll see you back here next week for (say it with me) the most dramatic Rose Ceremony EVER!

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