Dr. Scott: Husband pays the price when wife is moody

Question: I would like some advice and perspective on how to be the best husband I can be to my wife, who can occasionally be moody. When she’s happy, we’re all happy; but when she’s unhappy, I feel like she takes her feelings out on me. There will be times when I’m sure I’ve done nothing wrong, but she is upset with something like stress at work or having a headache or some other nuisance. I can understand why she gets annoyed. These are the types of things that annoy anyone, but the part I don’t get is that she can be grumpy with me when she’s bothered by something that has nothing to do with me.

I’ve become pretty aware of her habits. I’ve started to recognize when she’s just being moody and it doesn’t have much to do with me. I used to react, get defensive, etc., but I’ve gotten better at just asking her questions when she’s being unfair to me. Of course, that isn’t always a good thing: the other day, she being short with me and I couldn’t understand why. Then it occurred to me that it was probably that time of the month. So, I asked her if she was PMSing and she got defensive and denied it and continued being surly the rest of the night. It was not pleasant. The next day, she apologized and admitted that it was that time of the month. And that’s the thing: She always apologizes. I appreciate that. She’s a great wife, and she’s not moody that often; that’s not what I’m trying to say. I don’t think she’s in a bad mood more than the average person. The problem I have is that when she is in a bad mood, I seem to have to pay the price and that’s not fair. What can I do about this?

Answer: Two things come to mind, Corey: One, you need to stand up for yourself. It’s not helpful to ignore your feelings on this matter and pretend like everything’s OK. Two, remember not to take things too personally and stay calm. Becoming reactive yourself will only escalate the situation.

Some people might disagree, but I don’t believe that going through a hard time is justification for mistreating others. Sure, we have to be reasonable and give people some space. Patience is always a virtue; but too much tolerance amounts to enabling. Spouses are to be cherished. It’s not OK to be mean to each other, especially for things that are not the other’s fault. It’s important that you say as much. It’s important to tell your wife that it really bothers you that she takes her mood out on you when you’ve done nothing wrong. The greatest couples bring out the best in each other. Sometimes that means calling them out when they’re being lame.

So, while it’s very important to preserve your dignity and the awesomeness of your marriage by expecting the best from each other; it’s also essential to have patience and give a little leeway. Your wife’s habit might be an old one. Perhaps that’s a way she deals with stress. Maybe it’s her subconscious way of letting you know she needs support. Who knows? In any case, you don’t have to confront every wrong, and you certainly don’t want to become reactive in turn thereby escalating the conflict. If my previous advice doesn’t work and you feel like you’re not getting through, then I’d recommend letting it go and giving it another shot when she’s feeling better. Now in case this advice seems like a contradiction to the previous paragraph, it’s important to note that it’s about balance: firm boundaries coupled with patience and love. Be forgiving, but work together towards something better.

Oh, and bonus advice: Lead by example. If you’re going to call her out on this, I sure hope you’re mindful of how you treat her when you’re not at your best.

Talk about it. Express your needs to each other. Don’t let her be mean to you, but do be patient and understanding. With time and communication, you can change this dynamic in your marriage.