The Lazy Couple’s Guide to a Valentine’s Day Netflix Binge

Valentine’s Day, for many men, means pressure. There’s the panic of making the “right” dinner reservation way in advance. There’s flowers to consider. It’s the one time a year—not counting birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, winter holidays, New Year’s Eve, and the occasional solar eclipse—when you’re really expected to sparkle as a boyfriend. And, frankly, you should be putting on the festive ritz even a little while before the boyfriend title comes into the picture. But let me alleviate some of the stress: You can stay in. You should stay in. Think about it: No crowds, zero wait time, and no pesky concierge with the “Sir, please stop vaping at the bar.” Plus, when you’re home with a hot person, there’s ample opportunity for sexy fashion shows to show off that sick new lingerie you got your lady. (Just because you’re allowed to stay in doesn’t mean you’re also exempt from gift-giving. Them’s the breaks.)

Booty, bongs, and bingeing unite in a truly inspiring tapestry. No matter how smug the person, everyone needs a little sofa anchor time to recharge—and if said recharging just so happens to fall on February 14 alongside yah sweetie, so be it.

But nothing kills a boner like scrolling Netflix for 40 minutes. (Or, worse, you could start Love, then be forced to have a premature edition of the DTR conversation.) Have a Netflix battle plan. We broke down some good options for every stage of your relationship, from the perma-banging days of a new romance to the (hopefully still occasionally banging) married days.

Blue Planet

Early into courting, that’s when the bunny phase is going strong. You know what I mean. Make vibrant coral reef B-roll and penguin tittering a non-intrusive backdrop to your own animalistic instincts. There’s not exactly a plot to this highly visual show, so you won’t miss anything in between spooning sex (try it!) sessions. Plus! What do horny stoned people like better than zoning out to some dazzling deep-sea-creature footage? Boning to it.

Bates Motel or Waco

To take your situationship to a more thoughtful level, choose between the five seasons of Psycho prequel Bates Motel or the six-part true-crime mini-series Waco. On-screen depictions of cults and complicated mommy issues have a knack for sparking IRL intimacy-deepening conversations.

American Horror Story

You’re exclusive, but you’re still not yet to the part where you disclose that supernatural storylines actually scare the bejeezus out of you. Opt for the witchy third season and enjoy Stevie Nicks’s mystical cameo (if they don’t like Fleetwood Mac, it’s probably best to learn now). When you’re both wide awake, scared out of your minds but trying to be cool about it, there’s only one thing to do. (Sex.)

Freaks and Geeks

If you’ve been dating for a minute and you’re both very extremely into each other, dip your toes in the murky waters of nostalgia without going as potent as Wonder Years (Freaks and Geeks is just one season long). You’re both starting to be a bit more vulnerable with each other, walls are dropping; throw in some ’80s-era high school trials and tribulations to further lube up more sensitive feelings-sharing. There’s also a pleasing synchronicity in watching Linda Cardellini and James Franco face challenges as high school “burnouts” while burning one down yourself, as a successful adult.

How I Met Your Mother

A show for when you’re truly in love! How I Met Your Mother is not very good, and tearing through 208 episodes together—with Ted Mosby’s relentless self-pity and sexualizing of his friends—is a sign of your commitment. Also, Neil Patrick Harris is a goddamn delight.

The Crown

Congrats. If you’re watching The Crown, you probably live together but have yet to regularly leave the bathroom door open. The Crown has just enough European history in Queen Elizabeth II’s saga to delude both of you into considering episodes educational, which is a bonus.

Friday Night Lights

This is the big leagues of couple binge-watches. You two probably co-habitate happily and have matching slippers. Mid-’00s fashion brings everyone together under the shared schadenfreude. Chances are one or both of you came of age in a small-ish suburb not unlike the fake Dillon, Texas, so here’s a great opportunity to bond over respective prom dinners at Applebee’s and teenage sports-induced paralysis.

Chef’s Table

At this point, you guys probably have a joint gym membership. You’ll start the series to mix up the Blue Apron monotony and start brainstorming exciting vacation locales and, hey, maybe such a binge WILL inspire some kitchen creativity. Or maybe you’ll just pause the marathon to roll around in the kitchen.

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