Thursday, May 27, 2010

that self-explanatory title.i can be so pretentious at times.lately,i've been pretending a lot.pretending to be happy.pretending to be healthy.pretending to act normal.pretending not to care about you at all,while in truth,everything's the other way around.i hate assemblies,girls at the back,guys up front.it gives me the best view of you and i do not appreciate it that much.why? it's not that i hate you,i don't.how can i hate my best friend? :) it's the sense of being so near yet so far away.i wonder if you realise how much i'm missing you?all those thursdays spent talking to you in 'the lab',seeing you from across the room and exchanging smiles during tutorial class,watching movies together,basketball together.the peak of all these was during teacher's day.we bumped into each other a lot,and i can say i spent most of the time with you,beside you,talking to you.thanks for comforting me,thanks for making me feel secure.thanks for being such a great company in my loneliness.

i'm not sure how i feel about you.i can't stop thinking about you.the fact that i can't talk to you or show anyone that i'm close to you hurts me a lot.i don't know if it's love or a mere friendship.if only i could talk this out with you.

well..i did read your profile by accident.i just want you to know,if you think your life is sorrowful and empty,let me be the one to fill it and make it worthwhile :)

15th july will be a determination and might be a new horizon for us.let's just wait and see.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Saturday, May 22, 2010

maybe it's the way you first helped your friend out when he was in grave need.maybe it's the leadership you have.maybe it's the way you make it a point to say hi to me.maybe it's the way you're always try to keep me company when i'm alone.maybe it's the all the common interests we have.maybe it's your humility.maybe it's the way you always give in to me.maybe it's the way you protect me and make me feel secured.maybe it's the way you make me feel special.maybe it's the way you console me.

maybe it's the way you look at me.how do i feel?i think i've fallen for you instead :)

I don’t know butI think I maybeFallin’ for youDropping so quicklyMaybe I shouldKeep this to myselfWaiting ’til IKnow you betterI am tryingNot to tell youBut I want toI’m scared of what you’ll saySo I’m hiding what I’m feelingBut I’m tired ofHolding this inside my headI’ve been spending all my timeJust thinking about yaI don’t know what to doI think I’m fallin’ for youI’ve been waiting all my lifeAnd now I found yaI don’t know what to doI think I’m fallin’ for youI’m fallin’ for youAs I’m standing hereAnd you hold my handPull me towards youAnd we start to danceAll around usI see nobodyHere in silenceIt’s just you and meI’m tryingNot to tell you

i DON'T CARE what my friends say or think about you.what matters the most is how I FEEL.i won't let anyone know,and if you love me the same way,i'll keep it between us,until the time comes :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

celebrating the 10th episode!! *applause* but what the heck,it's not like anyone's even a faithful follower to begin with.this week's been hectic and there's been a lot of twists and turns in the storyline lately.now that ben is off the hook,marlon becomes the new issue,and no,i'm not saying he's as annoying as ben.take a look and be the judge..(yes i know this draft is two weeks old,i was busy,lol..)

7.30am,Mondayi was late for school.i just wished i walked a little bit slower,since i saw alex being a few meters behind me.damn,these feelings are killing me.haven't i learnt enough that love is just gonna get me in trouble,give me more wrinkles and acne?i walked on and saw marlon in one corner.i wanted to wave at him but all he did was stare at me it the most awkward way.i didn't really bother to greet him afterwards,not really sulking,just more to the sense of trying to avoid yet another awkward moment.i came to my seat.there's nothing in my head but ily's theory of marlon having a crush on me.i wish it would just go away.i love being friends with marlon,i love his company.he's always sweet and caring and all,but i can't picture the both of us being more than that.maybe not yet.we wouldn't know.but one thing is for sure,i don't want to make an ass of him and me,so i'm not gonna assume anything just yet.i can't believe i actually avoided him afterwards just to get rid off the gossip.it's pretty bad since he's been nothing but nice to me and all.i hope he'll be alright.by the way,it's alex's birthday tomorrow and i bought him a gift :)

2.00pmthe teacher's day performance is only 2 days away.my teammates and i were having last minute preparations.synchronizing my guitar playing with aqil's is tough,let alone synchronizing the parody sketches with our live music.we were so nervous.we gathered at the empty form 4 block after school to practice.ily tagged along and saw marlon there with us,straying from his performance group.a bit strange,but i didn't really think much.i just thought he might've been curious of what we're doing.it's perfectly fine,it's not like his team's gonna plagiarize our idea,what worries me the most is ily's theory."he came for you"..dammit.i thought that's what friends are supposed to do?awkward enough,marlon didn't approach me when my friends were there,instead he approached when almost everyone was gone.i was so depressed so he came to me,pretending to tighten the plug of my amp.he then whispered a couple of soothing words,which eventually stopped me from almost crying.he's got a way of consoling people,seriously..

Thursday,3.00pmi was still exhausted from the audition yesterday.yet we had to rehearse one last time before friday comes.it was extra tiring and i can say that i didn't really get to go all out.it was miraculous how we managed to pass the audition.i came into the computer lab with such exhaustion.i had my guitar on my back and went straight to the front table.i didn't bother much about what was happening around me,since i was too occupied studying for the midterm exams.mr warm-hug came by,this time to relieve my stress.he's such a good company,always has the right word to say,always acting the right way in all the right situations.i'm sensing a somewhat chemistry between us.one of the weirdest thing is when he sat in front of me,facing me,while all of us were watching How To Train Your Dragon on the projector.Nizar once joked about how Marlon and I couldn't catch a movie together due to our parent's restrictions so the projector was the replacement.haha! we kinda talked throughout the movie and walked down to the basketball court together.we had an awesome game of six players,if it wasn't for the rain it would've lasted long.i was on marlon's team along with 2 more guys while nizar's on the other.obviously the boys gave in to us,but in the end all of us had fun.there's something about marlon though.usually he would tease me around but today,he became a savior.one of the prominent things he did was protect me from the balls thrown by other teams who were sharing the court.

today,i came to a realisation.there are some things that are meant to be.i won't mention it here.take a quick guess :) and so a new episode begins.

she may not be able to fly,she may not be able to carry an anvil with one hand,she may not be able to put out fire with her bare hands,she may not be able to fight crimes,she may not be able to rescue everyone in need,but she could certainly bear a sleepless night,awoken by the deafening cries of her infants in fright,she could keep the house clean and everyone fed,without bothering how her ample time has fled,since Dad left for the Heavens,she became a one-woman show,an amazing stunt act,strutting to and fro,she is strong,she is invincible,she never frets when in vain,making her sorrows mostly invisible,we shall pledge now and we shall pledge forever,be her cause of pain,we shall never,she is now our mom AND our dad,the one and only,that none of us can ever forget..

i love you,mom.thank you for all that you have done.i'll never let you down :)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

if only you knew.if only i had the chance to tell you.if only you would understand without me having to explain.if only life was simpler.if only the feelings do not exist the first place.if only i haven't been so stupid to make it obvious.if only i had the guts to talk to you.if only you do not treat me like a wall.if only you do not feel inferior because of your height.if only you would stand up for yourself.if only i was there to defend you when you needed protection.

Friday, May 7, 2010

another week,another wholesome episode,this time,the story takes a 180-degree turn when suddenly a lot of new characters appear and steal the limelight from the existing ones.as i said,i should know that this is bound to get messy as long as it's love.i haven't been seeing alex too much this week,i wonder if he's avoiding me?or is it just me?on a happier note,i tried out a quiz on what's the best way for me to confess my love to Lex and i got this:

Dear Azliyana Azlee, from the test result, here is best way for you to tell someone that you love them:

FACE TO FACE?? that's crazy,man.seriously,i can't even say 'hi' to him,and the quiz maker is actually expecting me to confess,moreover FACE TO FACE?probably it will happen,but not this year.i predict that i will be able to do that before i truly leave school officially,that is,in march 2011.overrated but i have to say that it's not impossible as i have about 10months from now to prepare what to say and how i should say it.let's just keep our fingers crossed and hope that i won't mess up at the very last minute.by then,the whole school shall know how much i love Alex Luthor.

Monday,7.30am

i was still exhausted from all the fuss from the trip to UM for that BM Skor A talk.it was worth the money i guess,we did have fun after all.i was half asleep when puan mazni called upon 'The All Active Rejects' team (consisting Nizar and I) to receive our prizes for getting first place in the Newton's Law Race.all the winners of various contests were requested to gather in 4 abu bakar as the teacher-in-charge gave us a little briefing regarding our turns etc.mr carlos garcia was there,and i had the feeling that he knew something that he shouldn't know.throughout the briefing,i noticed him turning towards me several times,for Lord knows what.no it's not a lovey-dovey kind of look,it was more of a 'i know something,you can't hide it from me' kind of thing.creepy.i decided to avoid him this whole week so as to not make it seem obvious that i used him.selfish but true.i thought he wouldn't mind,but clearly he did.oh dear god..what have i done.

Tuesday,1.30pm

again,i looked for Lex but he was nowhere to be found.where could that loverboy be?i did indeed see him,but only for a split second,and that's never enough.i keep seeing carlos with his spiteful facial expression,walking down the hallway,passing my class repeatedly.should i apologize?if i didn't,i would have guilt written all over me but if i did,what if he's not mad the first place?what if he didn't even know who's the sender? hmm... what a major dilemma.meanwhile,teacher's day was coming up,so my gang decided to attend the audition for the teacher's day performance.'aisyah requested me to collaborate with aqil muaz to play guitar for the background music of our performance.it was pretty slow since i wasn't too familiar with their song selections,nevertheless,it was fun detecting everything by ear.inaccurate but at least we tried.

6.30pm

I'M LATE!!! dammit.and it's the first day of my double chemistry classes,consisting form 4 and form 5.had to be with the 16-year-olds to relearn all the stuff i missed out on/didn't take seriously.i feel so young for a change! haha.mr zeelen is excellent,as always.i never get bored in his class,if only..if only the school teachers were this interesting XD

i turned and looked around,to look for alex,hoping that he would show up.to much disappointment,he didn't.so ling approached me,wanting to tell me something but it just had to wait since i had to do my maghrib prayers.just as i came out from the multilab,ling gave me a shock.as i giggled,i turned around,only to find that i almost hit alex's chest! dammit.so much for being smoothie all the time.i got nervous,blushed and rushed into the class,trying to act like nothing happened.the class was fun as usual.the end of the class was even more interesting.i wanted to wait for ling to finish deciding which complementary teddy bear key chain she loved the most,lmao..but then it was taking too long so i decided to take the stairs so burn some so-called calories.unfortunately,ben was there.god...i wanted to run so fast!!!! but he meant no harm,he wanted to ask me about my teacher's day performance.i didn't tell him much,partly because i hate him,LOL,and because it was getting creepy as he came closer and closer to me in the dim-lit stairway.i was afraid he might harass me like what he did to my junior.i ran into Guardian as soon as i reached the ground floor.by then,i heard his group making a big fuss.i assumed they might've thought that i was still in the store.i went out and overheard them talking about me.i couldn't really make up their conversation but one thing's for sure,perhaps they had a bet whether or not ben will be able to get a chance to talk to me.how suckish,being used as a betting point.how dumb is that? CONGRATULATIONS SPAZ! fudge off,please.

Wednesday,1.30pm

again,another day another so-called rehearsal with the band at school.band?what band?? haha.there were practically only 2 guitarists and tonnes of vocalists.nice jam,we're improving a little bit eventhough we didn't get to jam as much as we planned.so during lunch,we all sat together at the canteen in one group.i saw marlon from a distance and waved at him,at the moment deila was with me.to my surprise,he totally ignored me and walked off.gosh..what in heavens is wrong with him?i let it go anyway,it wasn't worth it since i obviously know i did nothing wrong to him.i saw aqil and 'aisyah in one corner at the canteen so i joined them.deila left for her club meeting.i sat and watched aqil playing naufal's guitar.this guy's got skills man! awkwardly enough,marlon stood behind me.i don't know why,i just didn't feel like greeting him after that ironic indifference.he somehow said hi to me and sat beside me.before we knew it,we were once again engaged in a long conversation by which was eventually interrupted by ben.i've had enough of ben and marlon,so i went back home.

Thursday,3.30pm

i skipped the mathematics tutorial (okay let's just say i skipped all the tutorials this week) since i was extremely exhausted.i just didn't feel like going at all,so i stayed home and compensated my night sleep with my usual power nap.however,i OVERSLEPT! i swear,i've never taken such a short period of time to get dressed to attend the routine weekly computer club meeting.i ran,with my mp3 in my ears.the song playing at random was fast-paced,very favourable indeed.i reached school and went straight to the computer lab.upon my arrival,i saw marlon staring at me,delighted much?i don't know.i don't read minds,sorry.he was sitting with his friends in a group,watching Paranormal Activity.i sat beside anis as usual,we managed to do our homework despite the lousy movie they had on the projector.at that very moment,the only thing that keeps ringing in my mind is ily's theory about marlon.oh god.first ben,now that ben's off the hook it's marlon? what's next... ily refused to barge from her stand,she requested me to test marlon.i knew i saw marlon in his group,and it was a major relief.she might be wrong,i thought.when anis left for the ladies',her chair was empty so i purposely asked zufar to sit beside me,on my left.on my right was anis' empty chair.i proceeded my work,just then,i heard someone saying hi to me.oh shit..no,don't tell me.i turned,it was marlon.okay,don't overreact,he came in front to watch the movie.nope,the theory's wrong.it's iron man 2,who wouldn't wanna watch it right? just then,he sat beside me,setting all of anis' stuff aside.WTF! this was normal before but now it's getting weird,especially when he asked me why wasn't i in class.were you looking for me,marlon?you're acting pretty weird lately.is there something you've been subliminally trying to get my attention on?you can always tell me as a good friend.the thought went on and on until basketball practice.i lost focus several times,and got my head acidentally hit by my own ball several times.ouch,yes it was painful.

Friday,7.00am

i didn't feel like going to school.my head hurts and i didn't do my homework.i was sort of in pain so i decided to burn the whole night going on the net.crazy,i know.i can't get the thought out of my mind.the thought about ily saying that her theory was true.the thought about will i ever talk to alex if i keep being a wimp and chicken off in his presence.everything.all in one.i walked up the stairs leading to the hall,and to much surprise,again,i almost hit alex with my bag.i had a major shock and i can't tell you how fast my heart was beating.i wanted to apologize but i guess a cat got my tongue.i just couldn't.i stared into his eyes,hoping that he would understand that i've been thinking of him all day and all night.i sped up my walking pace as i was blushing a little too much,and alex was then out of sight.i couldn't help but stare in his direction as soon as i reached my seat.

8.25pm

one of the most beautiful things had once again occurred.a miraculous eye to eye contact with alex luthor when he tried to interrupt ily's conversation with mr loke regarding our EST assignment.lex,i'm glad i'm no longer a wall to you :) i need you to know one thing.you may be vertically challenged,you may not be as smart as some of your conceited friends,you may not be the perfect guy that every girl wants,but to me,you'll always be the tallest,smartest and most perfect guy for me.and the thing about you that makes you special compared to everyone else are your eyes.they twinkle and they resemble an entrance to a parallel realm,yet to be explored

Saturday, May 1, 2010

sorry,i've been into a spanish mood lately,lol.i need to confess and i need to do it now.lying to myself is one of the biggest mistakes i've ever done in my entire life and no,i shall not let it happen again.once will be enough.those who forget history is condemned to repeat it,and i shall not be ignorant enough to be among 'them' who never learn from their past.i shall say it,loud and clear,right here,right now.

ALEXANDER LUTHOR,I LOVE YOU.it's crazy because i don't know you,let alone have i the guts to talk to you.but i love you since the first day i set foot here in this new city.you were the one i first saw and you got my heart ever since.it seems overrated that i keep stalking on you and attempting to befriend you,but yes i did it because i love you.it's also beyond all minds and logical thoughts for us to be together when at first,my friend told me you belonged to someone else.i tried to move one,i tried to fall for someone else.i sacrificed my true emotions.i couldn't move on,no one else was better than you,but i was pathetic enough to tell everyone otherwise.now no one knows my true feelings except for a couple of my friends.however,they don't understand and never will.i know how some of think i'm desperate but in truth i'm not.i'm sensitive and when i love someone,i can sometimes go to such great lengths to prove it.you may not be my first love,but i must say that you have stolen my heart.my feelings for carlos was all fake,despite the major hint i gave to him.it was a scheme to cover up my true inner feelings for you since things were getting way out of hand lately.what's important is,now you know how much i love you.i don't love carlos,i love you.i'm not looking at him,i'm looking at you :)