Kris Kobach Applying For Ralph Fiennes's Job In That One Movie, What Was It, 'Bucket List'

Kris Kobach -- the former Kansas secretary of state and 2018 Republican gubernatorial nominee who lost to a DEMOCRAT GIRL, in KANSAS -- went on Fox Business's "Lou Dobbs 60-Minute Hate" last night. There, he unveiled his simple three-step plan to end the "crisis" the Trump administration has created at the US-Mexico border. We'll assume the appearance was Kobach's job interview for the new position of "Border Czar" or "Immigration Czar" or "Obersturmbannführer" that Donald Trump is considering creating, to coordinate Trump's Deport Everyone policy across the several agencies that handle immigration. It's a terrific plan, involving the creation of "camps" at the border to "process" all the families seeking asylum.

Kobach explained, "Lou, the solution to this crisis is actually a fairly easy one. I won't say 'easy,' but it has three major steps." Happily, Kobach didn't say the solution would be final, just fairly easy, but not really easy after all. His first step, he said, would be to put in place the Trump administration's bullshit administrative "rule" -- proposed last fall but never actually published in the Federal Register to make it law -- that would vacate the Flores settlement. That's the 1997 court case, and subsequent findings, prohibiting the detention of minors over 20 days and mandating they be kept in the LEAST restrictive setting possible. Once that simple step was out of the way (Narrator: "It would be challenged in court for years"), we get to the really cool part of Kobach's Lock 'Em Up fantasy, where he'd set up the CAMPS, filled with leftover FEMA trailers that the government already owns.

Number two, and this is deploy dozens of immigration judges as well as a fleet of passenger planes, and the thousands of empty mobile home trailers that the United States owns right now and is attempting to sell at bargain prices on the internet.

Instead of selling them, deploy them to the border cities, and create processing towns that are confined, and so when someone comes in and falsely claims asylum, we don't release them for six months onto the streets of the United States.

Processing towns that are confined! Where everyone can be kept, sort of concentrated-like! And heck, there's also plenty of brand new barbed wire already down there at the border, and we'd better put it to use before the Messicans all steal it! Just think how great that will be, and this time we'll ban cameras to make sure there are no iconic/ironic photos of little kids being led in the Pledge of Allegiance with rolls of razor wire in the background. Or anything like this:

We've learned some lessons, after all! (Besides, technically, those kids in the 1942 photo from the "U.S. War Relocation Authority" hadn't yet been interned, so there is nothing to object to anyway.)

Anyway, all these "Processing Towns" would prevent the very exaggerated "threat" of people being given a date for asylum hearings and then vanishing, which for the most part they don't actually do anyway, because after all they're very motivated to show up and get the chance to make their case.

Kobach went on to explain how the camps would result in quick processing and disposal of all the fakers who fake their asylum claims, since there are no real problems in Central America we suppose.

We process them right there, in that camp, where they have the three square meals, they're living in a nice mobile home, and then as soon as they're done, as soon as the claim is rejected, they're on the next plane back home, and then the people back home suddenly realize 'Hey he just left here two weeks ago, and yet he's back, maybe going in these caravans isn't such a great deal anymore.' So let's process the claims right there at the border and not release these people into the United States where they just disappear.

We particularly like the part where Kobach fantasizes that the immigration court backlog could be cut from over two years to just "two weeks," if only we imprisoned more people. Maybe we'll also get rid of due process, or at least get rid of a lot of judges who think it even applies to people who don't deserve it, as Donald Trump explained yesterday to NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg:

"We have to get rid of judges," huh? That's a hot take, and heavens no, he's certainly not saying that in a "won't someone please rid me of these awful judges" way, at least not if some nut with a gun finds it inspiring. Also, pfft, since when do lawbreakers have "rights" to "due process"? Everyone knows that "rights" are for good decent people like Paul Manafort, not for invaders.

We were looking forward to hearing what the third step of Kobach's plan was, but Dobbs decided "part three" was the thing about saving the government money by bringing "all of that unused government property to use, effectively and at very little cost, if not no cost, in fact, to the Department of Homeland Security," and that was that. Hold on, wasn't that the second step, too?

In other news, Kobach would like you to hear about this new idea he has for making use of the US's Cold War supply of nerve gas, which we're currently just destroying in furnaces at great cost to the government. He saw a cool documentary about it on Amazon, you see...

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)