how to get kids to lisen to u?

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2012
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well i a have 4 step children that live us full time plus we have 3 children with my husband. i do not know what to do i ask them nicely to go n do there jobs n it is like they have ear plugs in that they just will not do it for me. but when i get there dad to come and ask them to do it he has just do what u r asked n they get up and do it straight away. i do not know what to do. i get up some mornings and do what i need to do with the 3 little ones and not worry about it the other 4 have done there jobs or not. which i feel is less stress full for me. but then i know the jobs have not been done and i feel like going and doing them my self but i try not to. plus i have all ways payed for there things at school but i have stopped that to and told them that dad can pay for them now as u will not do what u r told.

or do i just walk around the house and do all the jobs and not ask them to do a thing and then have a melt down in front of everyone saying a can not cope anymore. i really do not know. it is the same as the older ones teasing the little ones. but when they are not around the little ones are good as gold.

someday i feel like just packing my bags and going then they can have there life and i can have mine then i would not be stressed and my high depression would kick. help me

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View replies by

Laura - posted on 04/21/2012

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Post a chart with each kid's name, what chores they are supposed to do and by what time the chore should be done along with a column of consequences. When my girls (bio daughter and step daughter, so I know how you feel!) the perfect punishment was HANG UP THAT PHONE (my kids are in their 30's, so the cell, computer in your room, etc didn't exist); with my son it was no TV. A friend with a 16 year old invokes NO TECH (nothing electronic) as a punishment.

You and the husband will have make the rules together, present them to all seven children together and enforce them together. Its not easy, but it can be done. You are one family living in one home.

I used to have so much trouble with my step children. They were always convince that I was the reason their father was not with their mother anymore, but we hadn't even met until years after they broke up! The point I am trying to make is kids' feelings are complex and don't always make sense, but they are so real for them. It is plain to see that your "camp" is divided and right now, if you want to save your relationship, you must find a way to unite with your husband over this.

If you were to stay together until the last child was grown, who would be left in your house?? It would be you and your husband so you must stand together! In front of all the kids!! He has to be willing to see that his older ones are making it hard for you. It is hard on both sides because your natural instinct is to protect your child. but this will only divide you further. You must BOTH create rules and BOTH enforce them. That is really all I can tell you. It is hard work, and it takes time. Good luck to you both.

yes well we did have a big talk a few weeks ago and the felt sorry for the way they had been treating me. so they made pancakes for me to have in bed and a sorry card which was good that lasted for a about a week. then it went back to normal. i have tried the chart thing with the 2 younger ones but it has not really worked. they get up in the mornings and the manage to get there jobs done. but when they get home they just muck around and then when dad walks throw the door at 4.30 they start doing there jobs. like we tell the kids if u do not do the dinner dishes u have to wash,dry n put away the breakfast dishes plus was the dinner dishes. which i think is fear but sometimes that is hard to make them do that as well. but my husband come up with a new rule that if they do not do the dishes when they are asked then he will do them and they can go to bed at 7.00pm that night. so i hope that he sticks to that. but maybe i should draw up a big chart and include the 3 little ones and say they have to tidy there rooms up and then the other kids can not say they do not do anything. if they do not do this job then this get taken for 2 days and for this job is a different thing. how does that sound

well maybe it will help if you talk to your husband and get him to be the one put a system in place for his 4 kids. Like maybe have chart with chores for them and a system of reward for doing chores and loosing privileges for not doing them. this way it's not you telling them what they should do, but the chart! This could get the stress taken away from you. Your husband should be in charge making sure it's followed through with.

I think this is somewhat normal that they will try to not listen to you as you're not their biological mother and they might have their own personal issues with what happened (divorce or death of the mother) and maybe they are just afraid to let you be in charge of their lives, maybe they just testing it out... I don't know your or their situation. But I agree, they have to treat you with respect no matter what. I think you probably should make it clear that you are not trying to control their lives or replace their mother, but that now you live together as a family and that means each one has to do their part to make it work out and pleasant for everyone involved. Most important is that you and your husband agree on how they should treat you and what is expected of them, so there is no playing out what dad said against what you say.

yes well like i said i started to pay for there things at school but then i stopped as they were not treating me right. i have told them if u do what u r told by me with out getting dad to step in then i will pay for there things. but it is like the 13 n 14 year old they understand and do most of the things i ask so when they have things for school i will pay for them. but i just do not think the 10 n 11 year old understand and it does not matter how many times i tell them. like they have mobile phones and they have to do the dishes and feed the animals to pay there bill. but sometimes that does not happen. it is hard sometimes to talk to people that r close it is good to talk to people outside the circle.

Hang tight. Hold your grond and stay consistent. Reprimand bad behaviours and reward the good ones ALWAYS! I think this is a cry of most families and may not differ much even amoung your own biological kids. Sibling rivalry has been before time. Try hard not to use parental biases (eg mine vs. his, little ones vs older ones, girls vs boys etc. when mediating these rivalries.

Give all equal love affection and be fair, consistent and firm with your expectations and their responsibilities. Try communicating your concerns with each and appoint each child different leadership responsibilities to correct your concerns based on age capabilities and concerns specific to a child.

Always remember their is no parenting manual specific to our indivual blessings..just love them and keep doing the very best you can. It will all eventually work out and before long you will be begging for the days when they were little enuff to need your parenting... :-) Good luck