Here’s What You Missed From The Season Two “Scream Queens” Premiere

Ryan Murphy messed with all of our heads during the season six premiere of American Horror Story, and now he’s back this week to mess with us even more on Scream Queens. The season one finale ending was pretty grim. Lea Michelle was revealed to be the red devil serial killer, yet the three Chanels were being sent to prison for it.

Now we pick up the pieces. Enter, season two.

The show starts on Halloween night, 1985 at Our Lady Of Perpetual Suffering (LOL) hospital. Don’t forget that last season’s plot was intertwined with ’90s flashbacks, so I’m sure this will be a similar theme. At the hospital, a very pregnant woman tries to get help for her sick husband, Bill.

The doctor, Dr. Mike (played by Jerry O’Connell), doesn’t want to perform surgery because it’s Halloween. The large, angry pregnant woman claims to sue if they don’t treat her husband. So Dr. Mike does the logical thing. Accompanied by his nurse, he dumps the (very much alive, just sedated) body into the conveniently located creepy green-glowing swamp.

To avoid getting caught, he sheds his green goblin (no, not the Spiderman villain) costume, and dumps it atop the body in the swamp. Doesn’t make too much sense logically, but hey, now we have our monster!

Now cut to 2016.

We see Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner) and Dr. Brock Holt (John Stamos) strutting through the halls of what we can only assume is the same hospital from the ’80s flashback. They go to help a patient: a very hairy Chewbacca looking girl, Kathryn Hobart (Cecily Strong), who is suffering from “werewolf syndrome.” Taylor Lautner? Werewolf? It’s like 2007 all over again.

Then Dean Munch (yogurt activist Jamie Lee Curtis) enters. Dun dun dun. She claims to be a fellow doctor. *disc scratch* Wait what? We get a short backstory explaining that she is using her honorary doctorate from being a “new wave feminist/motivational speaker” to be a real doctor. It is revealed that ~Doctor~ Munch runs the hospital.

Now to what we’re all itching to know: What happened to the Chanels?

The Chanels were released from prison. They starred in a Netflix docuseries “Entrap A Kappa Kappa: Murder On Sorority Row.” The docuseries (*ahem* “Making A Murderer”) revealed that the real murderer was Hester (Rachel from Glee Lea Michele). Dennis Hemphill (the best character TBH) turned in footage of her admitting to the crime.

So what about Zayday?

Zayday has been working three jobs, while going to med school. Dean Munch arrives at the restaurant she’s working at and offers to pay for her med school if she comes to do her residency at her hospital. Why does she want Zayday? Who knows, but the looming music assures me she’s up to no good.

Now back to the Chanels. We learn that they went on to graduate college and got communication degrees (They got comm degrees because they said it was the easiest. The shade). After graduation, each girl ended up in different medical fields. #1 (Emma Roberts) worked as a nurse taking blood donations. #5 (Abigail Breslin) was a receptionist at a dentist office. #3 (earmuffs) mopped floors at a fertility clinic. Commincation degrees put to work.

Like with Zayday, Munch hunts them down and offers them jobs.

The motley crew (Zayday, Chanels, Stamos, and Lautner) try to treat werewolf gal. #5 offends her and they get placed on academic probation (!!!!!) by Munch for acting out. The Chanels then meet the nurse/head of administration (Kirstie Alley). She tells them they’re unqualified and they don’t belong. She threatens Channel #1. Extremely suspicious character.

Chanels then realize they need to get in Munch’s good graces so they can fulfill their dreams of being famous TV doctors (not quite following that logic). Chanel #1 flirts with Uncle Jesse Dr. Holt to figure out a cure for the hairy girl dilemma.

Meanwhile Zayday preps to perform a brain surgery to get rid of all the hair on lady Chewbacca. Yes, a med student performing brain surgery. Chanel #1 and Dr. Holt barge in with the real cure: a low testosterone diet (um, okay???).

It works, and all her hair falls off, leaving her bald. Cue the ’80s music. Makeover scene! The Chanels give her a makeover complete with a fur shrug coat and wig (no eyebrows tho. c’mon Chanels).

So who’s the scary villain of the season? Is there a new red devil?

Chanel #5 (Little Miss Sunshine) pours two hydrotherapy baths for hairy girl and herself, locking them both in the tub because of course. Now the “Scream” in “Scream Queens” begins.

Creepy footsteps enter through the creaky doorway. We have our villain. The green swamp monster who is yielding a hibachi, paint scaper looking knife. He quickly pulls back the curtains and kills the now hairless girl, chopping her head off. He runs off, leaving #5 locked in the tub with a decapitated head sitting atop her tub.

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Rachel enjoys spending her time thinking about Britney Spears, whining about being single, and thinking about Britney Spears. She doesn't take to criticism well, so be nice or so she will cry herself to sleep! Email: rpage@grandex.co