Cast aside: When good ensembles appear in bad movies

Sunday

Feb 9, 2014 at 5:00 AM

By Bob TremblayDaily News staff

The die is cast and the cast is dead.In a recent column, I took great actors to task for appearing in wretched movies. It's now time to shake a disapproving finger at great casts for appearing in wretched movies. Here, more is definitely not merrier.To make the cut, the film has to feature at least four talented thespians and, of course, it has to be so odious that watching it provokes suicidal thoughts. The Top Ten - or should that be Bottom Ten? - are listed in alphabetical order. Narrowing the list to 10, by the way, was a challenge. I should add that movies made during the studio system aren't being included because the thespians were under contract and thus had to appear in movies, both good and bad. These days, they have only themselves and their agents to blame.1. "BATMAN & ROBIN" (1997) - The cast: George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Alicia Silverstone. After Tim Burton's Batman movies and before Christopher Nolan's Batman movies, there were Joel Schumacher's Batman movies. That's like placing a piece of rotten horse meat in between two savory slices of ciabatta. Clooney hasn't made too many turkeys in his career, but this one gobbles non-stop. He could have sued his supporting cast for non-support, and himself for the matter. Granted, Schumacher has that rare talent of bringing out the worst in the best of actors. Even the film's fashion sense flops. Nipple costumes, anyone? Holy debacle, Batman.2. "THE BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES" (1990) - The cast: Tom Hanks, Melanie Griffith, Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman. Hanks' films don't typically dance the turkey trot either, but this one breaks out into a fandango. How could a cast this good make such a mess of Tom Wolfe's best-selling novel? We could blame the directing of Brian De Palma, the changes made from the book, global warming. Let's just say that the casting of nice-guy Hanks in the bad-guy role was less than inspired. Critics roasted the film on a spit and the public stayed away in droves. They clearly had trouble warming up to this bonfire of the inanities.3. "CALIGULA" (1979) - The cast: Malcolm McDowell, John Gielgud, Peter O'Toole and Helen Mirren. Talk about a dream ensemble stuck in a nightmarish movie. This film typically makes the list of the worst movies ever made. It's basically a porno disguised as a historic epic. It's also incredibly violent with enough beheadings to make the Taliban salivate. Gore Vidal wrote the original screenplay, too. Suffice it to say he wasn't enamored with the final product once Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione came on board as producer. What's truly amazing is that even with all its graphic sex and violence, the movie manages to be boring. The immortal Tinto Brass directed. 4. "THE DILEMMA" (2011) - The cast: Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Jennifer Connelly, Winona Ryder, Channing Tatum and Queen Latifah. The dilemma for anyone unfortunate enough to sit through this dreadful film is to somehow resist the urge to spoon out your eyes so you don't continue watching it. Rectal exams are funnier than this alleged comedy. Definitely the low point of director Ron Howard's career, and that includes his sorry take on "How the Grinch Stole the Christmas." It looks like "Annie Hall" compared to "The Dilemma." 5 "LAST VEGAS" (2013) - The cast: Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Kline and Mary Steenburgen. That's five, count 'em, five Oscar winners wasting their talent in this blatant ripoff of the "Hangover" films. The movie exists solely as a money-grab attempt to appeal to the senior set. True, this demographic is underserved at the cineplex, but that doesn't mean you can just serve them up a pile of sludge and expect them to gobble it down. Forget an embarrassment of riches, this is the riches of embarrassment. Las Vegas is an appropriate setting for this film because it craps out, literally. The movie shares the record with "Valentine's Day" for most Oscar winners in a rotten movie. 6. "LITTLE FOCKERS" (2010) - The cast: Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Blythe Danner, Teri Polo, Jessica Alba, Dustin Hoffman, Barbra Streisand, Laura Dern and Harvey Keitel. At one time, this film held the record for most Oscar winners in a rotten movie with De Niro, Hoffman and Streisand slumming for dollars. They were also in "Meet the Fockers." As "Last Vegas" shamelessly targeted the senior citizen demographic, this film sets its lowbrow sights on the intellectually challenged demographic. Before the PC Police arrived on the scene, these easily pleased folks were called morons. 7. "MOVIE 43" (2013) - The cast (in alphabetical order): Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Halle Berry, Leslie Bibb, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Josh Duhamel, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Hugh Jackman, Johnny Knoxville, Justin Long, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Liev Schreiber, Seann William Scott, Emma Stone, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Naomi Watts and Kate Winslet. The granddaddy of all ensemble catastrophes. You may wonder how all these actors agreed to appear in a series of comedy sketches that turn out to be as humorous as an Ebola virus outbreak. Was it greed? Stupidity? My guess is blackmail as the filmmakers must have had photos of each thespian in a compromising position with a barnyard animal. Hugh Jackman hugging a heifer? Quel scandale!8. "NEW YEAR'S EVE" (2011) - The cast (in alphabetical order): Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, Abigail Breslin, Chris Bridges, Robert De Niro, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, Héctor Elizondo, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Seth Meyers, Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Til Schweiger, Hilary Swank and Sofía Vergara. Director Garry Marshall used to direct decent films like "Pretty Woman." Now he directs dismal films like this rancid romantic comedy consisting of a series of mundane vignettes taking place during - you guessed it - Fruitcake Toss Day. No, the movie really does take place during New Year's Eve where all acquaintances should be forgot. 9. "VALENTINE'S DAY" (2010) - The cast (in alphabetical order): Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, George Lopez, Shirley MacLaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner. Garry Marshall is at it again, this time turning Cupid day into putrid day. Like "Last Vegas," it wastes the talents of five Oscar winners: Bates, Foxx, Hathaway, MacLaine and Julia Roberts. Once again we get mistreated to a series of vignettes that are as romantically rewarding as a French kiss from a pit viper. 10. "WILD WILD WEST" (1999) - The cast: Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Kenneth Branagh and Salma Hayek. Add this film to the burgeoning number of movies based on TV shows that contain the artistic merit of a mud pie. The alterations from the TV show were annoying, but not nearly as egregious as the tonally deaf screenplay. Any emotional attachment for the leads gets blown away like a tumbleweed in a hurricane. This is one would-be western farce that repeatedly shoot blanks. It's also one of director Barry Sonnenfeld few misfires. FINAL SPIN ON THE GOLDEN GLOBESIn last month's column, your humble scribe tried to tap into the brain of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HFPA) and predict how they would distribute Golden Globes.So how did I do? Let's just say I didn't use a big enough mallet for my cerebral boring.In the nine major categories, I was correct only four times, choosing "12 Years a Slave" as best drama, "American Hustle" as best comedy/musical, Cate Blanchett as best actress in a drama for "Blue Jasmine" and Jared Leto as best supporting actor for "Dallas Buyers Club." My prognosticative powers failed me in the best actor in a drama category. I went with Chiwetel Ejiofor for "12 Years a Slave." The HFPA picked Matthew McConaughey for "Dallas Buyers Club." Not much luck in predicting best actor in a comedy or musical either. I chose Bruce Dern for "Nebraska." The HFPA selected Leonardo DiCaprio for "The Wolf of Wall Street." Success eluded me in the category for best actress in a comedy or musical as well. I opted for Julie Louis-Dreyfus for "Enough Said." The HFPA preferred Amy Adams in "American Hustle." I also predicted June Squibb would garner a Globe for best supporting actress in "Nebraska." The HFPA disagreed, favoring Jennifer Lawrence in "American Hustle." Lastly, I whiffed on best director, going with Steve McQueen for "12 Years a Slave" while the HFPA picked Alfonso Cuaron for "Gravity." The only HFPA vote that sticks in my critic's craw is its selection of Adams for best comic actress. Does her character say or do anything remotely comical in "American Hustle"? I'll have to watch the movie again to see if I missed a scene where she elicits guffaws. Oh, and she doesn't sing, either.Next month, I can further embarrass myself with my Oscar predictions. Right now, I'm leaning toward "12 Years a Slave" for best picture, McConaughey for best actor, Blanchett for best actress, Leto for best supporting actor, Lawrence for best supporting actress and Cuaron for best director. I may change my mind by the time March 2 rolls around after actor and director guilds have weighed in on the subject. Right now, Blanchett, Leto and Lawrence look like pretty good bets, and I will annoyed if "12 Years a Slave" doesn't win as it was the best film of the year, in my less than humble opinion.Something about merryIt’s now time for TRIVIA.Last month’s tester: Apart from the different spelling, what do a character played by a recent Oscar winner and a character featured in a novel by a 19th-century English author have in common?Answer: The characters are Katniss Everdeen, played by Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence in "The Hunger Games" trilogy, and Bathsheba Everdene, the heroine in Thomas Hardy's novel "Far from the Madding Crowd."No one answered the question correctly.This month’s tester: What 1970s movie ends in front of the New York Times building as a choir sings "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"? Clue: The film's star is an Oscar winner.The first reader to answer the question correctly will receive a prize from Neiman Marcus.Trivia enthusiasts can call me at 508-626-4409 or email me at rtremblay@wickedlocal.com. Make sure you leave your name, address and phone number on my message machine or email so I can contact you if you answered the question correctly. The address is needed so winners can be mailed their prize. Callers should spell out their names slowly and clearly so their names will be spelled correctly in the column.Answers will be accepted until 5 p.m. on Tuesday, Feb. 11. Good luck!

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