The Conversation You Must Have With Your Kids Today

Sexist, objectifying, and violent language is everywhere right
now—you can’t turn on a TV or even sit at a coffee shop without
hearing people discussing it. And although it’s a very adult topic,
your kids are listening, watching how you respond, and taking it all
in. They’re also having their own conversations about it with their
peers. As with any sensitive topic, parents can and should tackle the
subject with their kids directly. But how can you do this in an
age-appropriate and helpful way?

These types of offensive speech and behavior (often subtle and
unintentional) starts all too early. If you’ve ever told your girl,
“Oh, honey, he’s only teasing you because he likes you,” or if you
heard a similar sentiment in your own youth, you’ve experienced how
our culture often gives boys, from the youngest ages, a free pass when
it comes to bad behavior toward girls. And in terms of hard numbers, a
2015 survey found that more than 1 in 10 American girls experience
catcalls or general street harassment before the age of 11. So while
you may consider this subject far removed from your girl’s life, it is
a lot closer than you think.

When girls witness these attitudes and behavior being written off as
normal, there are serious and lasting consequences. Without even
realizing it, they start focusing more time on how they look than
exploring how they think or what they can do. The clothing they
gravitate toward, even when very young, may emphasize sexuality more
than comfort or individual expression. Girls may mistreat their bodies
in order to attain the physique deemed most desirable by our culture.
Most devastating of all, aggressive and objectifying language creates
an environment in which people are less likely to speak up when they
experience sexual harassment or violence. (Seventy-one percent of
workplace sexual harassment goes unreported, as do 74 percent of
sexual assaults.) Often girls and women worry they are in part
to blame, or don’t want to look like they’re “attention seeking” or
“making a big deal over nothing.”

And it’s not just girls who suffer from this kind of language—boys
do, too. When they hear speech that objectifies and normalizes
violence against women and girls, they’re at risk of growing up with a
warped sense of masculinity—one devoid of empathy, compassion, or
respect for half of society. And that’s a gender stereotype that isn’t
good or healthy for anyone. Indeed, when boys are taught they have to
be “tough,” and when sexist language is seen as acceptable both behind
closed doors and on the street, for instance, in the form of
catcalling, boys can feel pressure to emulate a distorted model of
manhood. That means they can also have trouble learning how to cope
with the very real emotional challenges life throws their way and are
less likely to be able to process their feelings in a healthy way for
fear of being seen as “weak.” And children (both boys and girls) who
have been raised without the capability to acknowledge uncomfortable
feelings or to cope with life’s many hurdles can turn to destruction,
violence, and violation as ways to work out their frustration, hurt,
and anger.

“This kind of objectifying talk not only teaches boys that it’s
acceptable to treat girls and women with less respect than their male
peers, but it also raises girls to believe that their bodies are
literally up for grabs—that their appearance is the most valuable
asset they have,” says Girl Scouts’ Developmental Psychologist Andrea
Bastiani Archibald, Ph.D. “And beyond setting the dismaying standard
that girls and women don’t need to be taken seriously, that they’re
little more than the bodies they have to offer—it also confuses boys
and gives a bad name to men, most of whom do have a great deal of
respect for girls and women.”

Having these conversations with your children is essential because
we can and must do better—for our girls, for our boys, for all of us.
Here are a few ways you can tackle the topic and give your kids the
skills to stand up against sexist, objectifying language and behavior.

1. Check yourselfWatch what kind of subtle verbal and
non-verbal messages you might be sending your children about women and
their value. Do you pick apart the appearances of the girls and women
in your life? Do you criticize the bodies of celebrities, or make
assumptions about them based on how they dress—focusing on their looks
more than their talents or abilities? Do the magazines in your living
room say empowering things about women, or are they objectifying? Your
kids—girls and boys—are taking this all in, so make sure you’re
not unknowingly perpetuating the problem.

2. Lead by example It will be easier for your children to identify and address
unacceptable language and actions directly if you model it for them.
Sadly, it won’t be hard to find examples of these types of speech and
actions in real life, on TV, or in movies you watch as a family. When
you do hear something sexist or objectifying, ask your kids if they
heard it as well, and whether or not they thought it was OK. If they
don’t have much to say, take the opportunity to explain to them why
you don’t consider the language accurate, fair, or acceptable.

3. Give your kids a script It can be hard for a child (and even an adult) to be the one
who speaks up against hurtful, offensive language—so walking your kids
through a few things they can say or do when they find themselves in
these situations is really important. First off, make sure they know
that even if everyone else is laughing at an inappropriate comment or
joke, they don’t have to. This isn’t about being polite, it’s about
standing up for what’s right. If your child feels comfortable and safe
enough to speak out against offensive things being said, he or she
might try, “What made you say that?” or even “You don’t really mean
you think all girls [fill in the blank] or that you can treat people
like that, right?” Either of those questions will make the speaker at
least think about what they’ve said and its implications while also
letting them know what they’ve said isn’t OK with everyone in the
room. And then of course, there’s always the direct approach: “I don’t
think that’s true,” or “Maybe you were joking, but saying stuff like
that isn’t cool.”

4. Support, support, supportIt’s absolutely
vital that you let your girls and boys know that being on the
receiving end of unwanted comments or touching by anyone—be it a
stranger, friend, family member, or someone in a position of power,
like a coach or a teacher—is never OK and never their fault or
something they should feel ashamed of. Make sure your children know
that catcalls and other upsetting sexualized speech are always
unacceptable, and that all people have the right to live in this world
free of harassment or intimidation, regardless of what they're
wearing, where they are, or who they're with. Tell your children to
come to you or another trusted adult if they’re experiencing taunts,
teasing, or touching that doesn’t feel right. They’re not in this alone.

Having these conversations with our children and calling out
behavior that objectifies women can sometimes be uncomfortable—for men
and women. Facing that bit of discomfort is worth it, because
we all have a responsibility to raise boys and girls who treat every
person with equal respect and dignity.