Penn Satire, Since 1899

NSO In Review

The Punch Babies who attended the first Punch Bowl meeting recapped their NSO experiences, and we turned it into a column. If you too are interested in becoming a Punch Baby, Punch Boss, Punch Banker, Punch Baller, Punch Bawler, or a Punch Brawler, email thepunchbowl@gmail.com

Things I Unintentionally Learned During NSO

Penn State probably parties harder than we do

Dining hall ladies can be salty(er than the food)

Free condoms everywhere

Must practice drunk Penn card swiping

72 virgins is actually what you need to get into a frat party

Black out drunk is not a euphemism

Hell is actually spelled with an I, and pronounced “Hill”

There is a $50 fine for peeing on Ben Franklin

Urination doth not come without Taxation

Drexel exists

Everybody’s name twice

My roommates sexuality

Saying “I love the bloody tampons” is somehow not offensive

AP’s do not count for shit

Glee club can sing the Alma Mater every day all the time

People with high SAT scores are still mostly dipshits

There’s an a capella group for everyone (even Indo-Chinese folk dancers!)

“No experience necessary” = Experience necessary

No one looks good in a toga #sorryromans #sorryfratboys

The “Best By” date on the food at commons is not heeded

People who don’t wait to get MERTed are FAST

Raw eggs do not cure hangovers

Girth/length of roommate

Things Overheard at Move-In

“I wish I got accepted to Princeton”

“Mom I want to live in the Radian”

“Mom I want to live in Domus”

“Mom can I transfer to Princeton?”

“This is my bed. Oh you must be my roommate. Help your mother unpack. It’s a little small, but it’s cozy!”