Knoxville Drivin': 6 Things You'll See

6. A homeless person chases your car out of the Fort. Apparently he wants money, not a half-eaten box of chicken McNuggets.

5. Drivers must ponder whether or not the changing of the traffic light from red to green is a trick or a signal to accelerate. You can literally watch them devolve into chimpanzees as they stare at it and scratch their chin.

4. A drunken co-ed pukes on your car hood as you come to a halt at an on campus stop sign. You remember it’s a dry campus and that you must be imagining the pungent smell of regurgitated Red Bull and vodka as it cooks on your engine block.

3. You see a light flash as an evil robot traffic light takes your picture for running a quickly shifting stop light. You swear at the robot and yell “come out of your hiding box and face me like a manbot!”

It offers no reply.

2. Road construction crews earn bonus pay for making the interstate resemble the roads in Afghanistan. Unbeknownst to most, they also receive kickbacks from Sears Tire Center.

1. While cruising campus, you witness a Gideon Bible salesman get struck by a car. You can’t look away as Bibles rain down like dollar bills at a strip club and his head is lodged in the windshield. You’re further amazed when, bloodied from head to toe, he walks away.

Though you consider such salesmen annoying, you still prefer Justin Bieber and his pre-pubescent, nasally voice-box had been crushed instead.