about

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C.H.U.D. started out as a bunch of 14 year old losers from the Iowa suburbs playing Misfits and Dead Kennedys covers in a basement. The original songs were a mix of teenage punk angst and mimicking our influences. We wrote songs about isolation, paranoia and anger, but we also wrote about horror movies like the Misfits, recently murdered musicians like the Meatmen, and unity, like every punk band ever. It was a pretty standard arrangement, but it stood out at the time because we were the youngest band doing anything like this around there and as a result we were the first exposure a lot of kids there ever had to a punk band. Part of that was fueled by a ridiculous “public interest” piece written about us in the local paper. The headline proclaimed: “It’s Angry, Loud, and Theirs: C.H.U.D., a punk band, unites self-confessed misfits”. Only in fucking Iowa is this news. Despite the glowing press, the original iteration of C.H.U.D. flamed out after about a year shortly after the other guys kicked me out because I couldn’t sing. Eventually, all of the members except myself re-connected in a grind/crust band called Black Market Fetus.

About two years after C.H.U.D. had ceased to exist. Someone came up with the idea to do a mock reunion show, the joke being that we were some huge band coming out of retirement to meet the non-existent demand of our non-existent fans. Since everyone else was already playing in Black Market Fetus, all we had to do was pass the mic between singers at one of their shows and bam, C.H.U.D. had a reunion. We all had fun, so we just let it roll and started piggybacking onto other Fetus gigs. None of us had intentions of doing anything meaningful, it was just an excuse to goof off and to get to play around with songs that didn’t fit in with everyone’s other bands. For me, it was my chance to live my dream of being a bad guy wrestler and to poke fun at how seriously the bands and kids in the scene took themselves. Riffing on the Victory Records and New York Hardcore crowd, I convinced the other guys that we should pretend to be militant straight edge gangstas, and to start a feud with Black Market Fetus. Because we almost never practiced or wrote new songs and played to the same crowds all the time, things kept getting sillier in an effort to keep it fun and fresh. We started with dorky costumes, staged fights, and, my personal favorite, building a robot costume out of cardboard and HVAC components and convincing friends to wear it and be our mascot. We called it CHUDBOT and it was later immortalized in a tribute song by Bodies Lay Broken. Of course, anyone dumb enough to put on a bulky robot costume that you could barely see out of at a hardcore show inevitably got the shit knocked out of them by the audience.

Though we rarely wrote songs, when we did they were every bit as intentionally dumb as the shows we put on. The effect was amplified because we played these intentionally stupid songs back to back with the songs we wrote when we were 15, which were unintentionally stupid in their sincerity. Of the 13 songs we could consistently remember, all of which are included here, 5 of them were holdovers from our first run, although one of them we had completely forgotten the words to. Wrestle Metal was originally Untitled on our demo, and I would make up the lyrics on the spot every time we played it. When it came time to record for the 7” I knew I couldn’t get by with slurring non-words like I did live, so I wrote some stupid ode to 80’s wrestling.

We stuck around in spite of a complete lack of either a desire on our part to “do something” or interest in the local scene to see or hear us. We played together for roughly six years, and for the first five there were maybe two people who were into it. One of those people was Nate Fetus, and since he was one of the main bookers in the area back then we kept getting on shows and playing to these confused, uninterested punkers who took themselves way too seriously. Thanks to being shoehorned onto bills with good bands, we met our other early fan, Cap’n Andy. Andy offered to record us for free, which led to two sessions for a demo and proposed 7”, but by the time we got our shit together to release it we had all drifted away and eventually it just ended by default. 10 years later, when Andy asked me about releasing this online I was glad that it might actually get heard. Playing in C.H.U.D. was some of the most fun I’ve ever had, and even though it was ridiculously stupid, I’m proud of it. The antics that made the shows fun didn’t translate in a studio, and I wasn’t able to hide my shitty vocals in the studio like I could in the chaos of a show, but even before we became a complete parody Andy and Nate saw something, so maybe somebody else out there will too.

Straight Edge Apocalypse Hardcore Murder Forever,
Xach

Tracks 1-13 were recorded March 28, 2002 for a 7" that was never released. Tracks 14-20 were recorded during the winter of 2000 and were released as xCHUDx "The Motherfucking Demo". All songs recorded on a Fostex XR-7 Multitracker by Andy Koettel.

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515 CREW THEME
Saw some guy who was talking shit
I pulled my gun, he pulled his
Exchanging rounds, the chase was on
I dodged his shots, he dodged mine
Didn’t mean it (she got shot)
Didn’t mean it (she was hot)
Tried to shoot him (but I missed)
Tried to shoot him (she got hit)
When the smoke cleared (he was gone)
When the smoke cleared (she was down)
Some guy saw me (and her corpse)
Some guy saw me (had to kill him of course)
Oh shit!
That’s how we’re living in the 515
A struggle every day to stay alive
So next time you want to step
Remember 515 deserves its fucking rep

Track Name: Bert I. Gordon Theme Song

BERT I. GORDON THEME SONG
The Bert I. Gordon Theme Song!

Track Name: I Love Hardcore (Porn)

I LOVE HARDCORE (PORN)
Friday night, home alone
Grab some lube, hit the phone
I love phone sex all the time
Hot young sluts, say they’re mine
Milk, milk, lemonade
In the back the fudge is made
I love hardcore, I love hardcore, I love hardcore….Porn
Hit the store for chips and lube
No whores out, porn will do
Two guys one girl, pretty gay
I like porn the catholic way
Up and down I stroke my rod
Jesus fuck, I blew my wad

Track Name: I Fell in Love with Crocket and Tubbs

I FELL IN LOVE WITH CROCKET AND TUBBS
I fell in Love with Crocket and Tubbs!

Track Name: Joey Lawrence Theme Song

JOEY LAWRENCE THEME SONG
Been no contact, still no call
Are you true or just full of shit
I can’t believe, the words that you say anymore
Said them once before now you say them again
With nothing on your part
I offer you may hand another time
I should have turned away
I don’t want to think that way
I try not to think that way
Two things, I listen to inside myself
Whoa!

SUBURBAN MADMAN
Society’s in decay
Generic people
In the halls
Gotta break out these walls
Pain of reality
I wanna break away
You thought you knew me
I want to kill today
Cookie cutter houses and no trees
Is this what you believe?
Psycho in the neighborhood
At the neighbors barbeque
Watch out
He’s gonna come for you
Quiet guy from next door
He’s got bodies buried under his floor
He’s the result
Of years of abuse
To society
He’s no use

THE CODE
Know who you are, stay in your place
Don’t want to see your ugly bitch ass face
Go back to school, you stupid fucking jobber
We don’t need your fucking kind
You broke the code
The code that says to help your friends

Track Name: Unity

UNITY
We get shit every day
From people who’ve got nothing to say
People so ignorant
They don’t know what’s going on today
They don’t care about themselves
They don’t care about the future
They’re just caught up in their own conformist structure
That’s why we need unity
Do your own thing that’s what it oughta be
Not to commit conformity
We don’t care what you look like
All that matters is your mind
The music, and the message
To anyone that will listen
I’ve learned from past experiences
And I say, let’s begin

Track Name: Warriors of Satan

WARRIORS OF SATAN
Here we are joined tonight, about to make a sacrifice
Kicking Jesus in the nuts, while we hang out with the antichrist
The weak , they run when we’re in sight
There’s a little kid fight
Lots of blood, and lots of sluts
Kicking preggies in their guts
We are the strong, the mighty, the brave
We are Satan’s warriors
Show no mercy, we kick a lot of ass
We are Satan’s warriors
We have mammoth sized love pumps so get on the floor
Total posterior destruction, is what you’re in for
Warriors of Satan can’t be stopped
If you think otherwise we’ll force feed you our cocks
That’s right motherfuckas
You think you’re hardcore cause you’re from the streets?
We’re straight out of hell bitch!
You wanna step to this?
We’ll damnate you and your whole crew
Show no mercy, show no fear
Back the fuck up son
Cause Satan is here
The black Sabbath now has passed
Let’s go smoke some motherfucking grass

Track Name: Wrestle Metal

WRESTLE METAL
Been there for me since I was a kid
Before I found wrestling don’t know what I did
I remember Frankie and Koko B. Ware,
His big drop kicks and bad ass hair
But how long will he last, when DiBiasse’s on the attack
Danny Davis is the ref, and Virgil is up to no good
Honky Tonk Man was full of hot air
The Dungeon of Doom they gave me a scare
Kamala was the raddest dude
And don’t forget my man Rick Rude
But as I get older, it’ s just not the same
The Rock? Stone Cold? That shit’s lame

Track Name: Anything Slim (Zap!)

ANYTHING SLIM (ZAP!)
Call my boyfriend on the phone
To my dismay no one’s home
Bible thumpers, go away
Sodomy’s the only way
We don’t care what the fuck you say
Cause in our heart we’ll always be gay
We’re gay!
Zap!

Track Name: The Code (demo)

THE CODE
Know who you are, stay in your place
Don’t want to see your ugly bitch ass face
Go back to school, you stupid fucking jobber
We don’t need your fucking kind
You broke the code
The code that says to help your friends

Track Name: Warriors of Satan (demo)

WARRIORS OF SATAN
Here we are joined tonight, about to make a sacrifice
Kicking Jesus in the nuts, while we hang out with the antichrist
The weak , they run when we’re in sight
There’s a little kid fight
Lots of blood, and lots of sluts
Kicking preggies in their guts
We are the strong, the mighty, the brave
We are Satan’s warriors
Show no mercy, we kick a lot of ass
We are Satan’s warriors
We have mammoth sized love pumps so get on the floor
Total posterior destruction, is what you’re in for
Warriors of Satan can’t be stopped
If you think otherwise we’ll force feed you our cocks
That’s right motherfuckas
You think you’re hardcore cause you’re from the streets?
We’re straight out of hell bitch!
You wanna step to this?
We’ll damnate you and your whole crew
Show no mercy, show no fear
Back the fuck up son
Cause Satan is here
The black Sabbath now has passed
Let’s go smoke some motherfucking grass

Track Name: Unity (demo)

UNITY
We get shit every day
From people who’ve got nothing to say
People so ignorant
They don’t know what’s going on today
They don’t care about themselves
They don’t care about the future
They’re just caught up in their own conformist structure
That’s why we need unity
Do your own thing that’s what it oughta be
Not to commit conformity
We don’t care what you look like
All that matters is your mind
The music, and the message
To anyone that will listen
I’ve learned from past experiences
And I say, let’s begin

Track Name: I Fell in Love with Crocket and Tubbs (demo)

I FELL IN LOVE WITH CROCKET AND TUBBS
I fell in Love with Crocket and Tubbs!

Track Name: Suburban Madman (demo)

SUBURBAN MADMAN
Society’s in decay
Generic people
In the halls
Gotta break out these walls
Pain of reality
I wanna break away
You thought you knew me
I want to kill today
Cookie cutter houses and no trees
Is this what you believe?
Psycho in the neighborhood
At the neighbors barbeque
Watch out
He’s gonna come for you
Quiet guy from next door
He’s got bodies buried under his floor
He’s the result
Of years of abuse
To society
He’s no use

Track Name: Untitled (demo)

UNTITLED
Left here with this shattered body
But I won’t turn my back
Now what should I do?
Tired, alone, clinging to my ideals
But I still stand!
How long will it last?
I will never turn my back!
I’ve made up my mind
And this is a lifetime commitment
Memories that once brought joy
Now bring me only tears
Drugs stole my friends
Stole my friends, stole my friends!
Bring them back!
Left here with this shattered body
But I won’t turn my back
Tired, alone, jaded, barely alive
But I still stand!