Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are splitting up, according to incoherent, mumbling sources (them).

Heavy metal fans and reality TV fans, be prepared for heartbreak—"Prince of Darkness" Ozzy and ("Princess of Darkness"?) Sharon Osbourne have announced that they're getting divorced after over 33 years of marriage. According to E!, the former Black Sabbath singer, 67, and his former manager (now co-host of The Talk) wife Sharon, 63, mutually agreed that Ozzy would move out of the house. Which he did, and he has now taken up residence in the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Ozzy and Sharon got married in 1982, and they've raised three kids—Kelly, 31, and Jack, 30, who appeared with them on their "reality" show, The Osbournes, and Aimee, 33, who declined to part of that whole circus.

What caused this rift in metal's royal couple? It's certainly not news that they've had their share of problems, especially with Ozzy's addiction issues. In 2013, rumors started that the couple was divorcing, which Sharon said were "distorted," while admitting on The Talk, "There's always a little seed of truth to everything that gets reported." But according to an insider (maybe one of their many dogs?) Ozzy has been sober for over three years now.

Advertising

The Sun says it's because of something else entirely—Sharon suspects Ozzy of cheating on her with Michelle Pugh, a 45-year-old "rock obsessed celebrity hairstylist" at Los Angeles salon Meche. She even claims to have proof. Oof.

Sharon went ballistic with Ozzy and accused him of having the affair. She said she had suspected something had been going on for some time and now had proof. People are wondering whether Sharon went through Ozzy’s phone before accusing him. She has done that before but in the past she was checking if he’d been using drugs. Ozzy was extremely sheepish and admitted being close to Michelle. It is likely Sharon has discovered calls and possibly meetings.

Advertising

Ugh, no, why, Ozzy, why? Can Ozzy even function without Sharon there, helping translate his random mumbling for other people and steering him back towards the light when he wanders into, say, a broom closet? Will he lapse back into drinking and drug use (fingers crossed, no no no)? Is Ozzy even capable of having an actual affair? Not to be mean, but how "rock-obsessed" does a person have to be to have an affair with Ozzy Osbourne? What's the end game there? And how will their dogs take the news? Probably ruff.