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N.J. city to scare off crows with awesome fireworks, laser show

The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.

Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:

Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.

Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.

Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!

Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.

Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!

It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.