Here's a list. For your own information: (1) Rank the list with 10
being the most important teacher. (2) Rank the list with 10 being who
you think is currently teaching them the most about sex. And, if you
think they don't already know quite a bit about sex, whether it is
correct information or not, think again!

Who Should Teach Your Children About
Sex?

(1)

(2)

You

.

.

Your Significant Other

.

.

School

.

.

Church

.

.

Internet

.

.

Friends

.

.

Potential lover

.

.

Community clinic/Planned Parenthood

.

.

Home for Unwed Mothers

.

.

Juvenile Hall

.

.

Talking With Kids About Tough Issues Special
Focus on Dads

The Most Important Thing You Can Do For
Your Children Is To Be Their Dad

Parents agree that open parent/child communication is invaluable when
raising children. Yet, when kids sit down and talk to parents about
tough issues like violence, sex, alcohol/drugs, and HIV/AIDS, they
are more often sitting with mom than with dad. This may have more to
do with fathers missing conversation opportunities or avoiding
certain topics than with a lack of connection between dads and their
kids. In an effort to separate fact from fiction, shed some light on
father-child communication, and provide some tools for initiating
conversations, the Talking with Kids about Tough Issues Campaign (a
national effort to support parents by the Kaiser Family Foundation
and Children Now) has teamed up with the National Fatherhood
Initiative and ESPN to create this special focus on Dads.

The Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now conducted a national
survey of 10 to 15 year olds and parents of 10 to 15 year olds in the
fall of 1998 to find out whether kids and parents were talking about
tough issues like violence, sex, alcohol/drugs and HIV/AIDS. Below
are some of the survey findings regarding dads.

How Strong Are Dads' Influence, and Are Kids Comfortable
Talking to Dad about Tough Issues?

According to parents, fathers have a strong influence on how their
kids think about these issues, albeit slightly less than the
influence of mothers. Kids say dads are a good, credible source of
information on difficult issues. A majority of kids ages 10 to 15
feel that their father has a good understanding of issues such as
AIDS, violence, sex and alcohol, and rank their mothers'
understanding just slightly higher than their fathers.

While kids ages 10 to 15 say they are generally more able to talk
to mom than dad when something is bothering them, many report they
are equally comfortable talking with either parent about certain
tough issues. Over a third say they are equally comfortable talking
to mom or dad about AIDS, alcohol and drugs, and about how to handle
violent situations. Regarding the issue of violence, many kids prefer
to talk to their dads.

On the topic of sex, more kids 10-15 prefer to talk to mom than
dad. However, it is interesting to note that boys answer differently
than girls on this issue. Regarding sex-related topics, boys are
fairly evenly divided among those who are most comfortable with mom,
dad or either parents, while girls are much less comfortable talking
with dad about these issues.

Do Dads Talk with Their Kids about Tough Issues?

Fathers today are talking with their kids about some tough issues
but are avoiding others; also, they still lag behind mom in dealing
with most of these issues. Most fathers (eight in ten) report talking
with their kids about a range of tough issues, including the basics
about drugs, alcohol and violence. However, only about half of dads
are talking to their kids about the basics of reproduction and less
than half are talking about AIDS, relationships, when to become
sexually active and how to prevent pregnancy and STDs. Furthermore,
topics like what to do if someone brings a gun to school, how to
handle peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol, and what AIDS is and
how its spread are only being discussed by 1 in 5 dads. So there is a
lot of room for dads to make themselves open to more topics and start
talking about them with their kids.

The good news is that dads who are having conversations are
proactively initiating them, rather than waiting for their kids to
come to them first. If kids sense their parents are apprehensive
about discussing certain topics, they will be less likely to speak
openly and honestly. Parents who initiate tough conversations
themselves show they aren't shy and are willing to talk frankly with
their kids.

When Dads Do Talk, Kids Listen and Learn

Kids are glad to hear from their parents. Among those who have had
conversations with dad, either alone or with their other parent, 9
out of 10 reported having a positive experience. They felt they
received good ideas and that the conversations were helpful overall.
Even during talks about sex, where kids said dad was less comfortable
having the conversation, kids still thought talking was helpful.

Talk Opportunities

With daughters, dads should look to everyday talk
opportunities, rather than wait for an incident at home or in the
community, to prompt a conversation. Open communication about tough
issues like violence, drugs and alcohol can help create an
environment in which their daughter feels more comfortable talking
with them, even about sex. And, if she isn't comfortable talking with
dad about sex in particular, the conversations will likely increase
her comfort with going to dad when faced with other tough issues.

With sons, dads need to take advantage of the fact their
sons are comfortable talking with them about all issues, including
sex. Taking advantage of everyday talk opportunities like car rides,
a TV show or a homework assignment will create time to delve beyond
the basics into the issues on which their sons wish to learn
more.

As you can see, kids definitely want more information from their
parents!

What Kids Want to Know, What Parents Don't Talk About

Percent of Kids and Parents Who Say... Kids Ages 10-12 Want

More Info About Topic Parents of 10-12 Yr. Olds Who Never Talked
About

Kids Need to Know More(1) Percent of Kids 10-12 wanting more
information, (2) Percent of parents who never talk about
it

Topic

(1)

(2)

How to handle potentially violent situations

50%

15%

How to know when you are ready to have sex

43

50

How to handle peer pressure to use drugs/alcohol

40

10

How to protect against AIDS/STDs

50

40

What to do if someone brings a gun to school

50

21

How to prevent pregnancy and STDs

38

62

What STDs are

47

38

How to handle pressure to have sex

44

46

How alcohol/drugs might affect decisions to have sex

43

46

What AIDS is

48

22

What kinds of birth control are available

32

68

Homosexuality

28

32

How girls get pregnant

25

27

Drinking and driving

27

18

Source: Kaiser Family Foundation/Children Now Talking
With Kids About Tough Issues, A National Survey of Parents and Kids
conducted September 15-October 3, 1998

Kids Still Need to Know More(1) Percent of Kids 13-15 wanting more
information, (2) Percent of parents who never talk about
it

Topic

(1)

(2)

How to handle potentially violent situations

44%

16%

How to know when you are ready to have sex

43

26

How to handle peer pressure to use drugs/alcohol

42

7

How to protect against AIDS/STDs

42

15

What to do if someone brings a gun to school

41

23

How to prevent pregnancy and STDs

40

29

What STDs are

39

12

How to handle pressure to have sex

39

19

How alcohol/drugs might affect decisions to have sex

39

24

What AIDS is

37

11

What kinds of birth control are available

30

37

Homosexuality

19

21

How girls get pregnant

19

14

Drinking and driving

18

11

Source: Kaiser Family Foundation/Children Now
Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, A National Survey of Parents
and Kids conducted September 15-October 3, 1998www.talkingwithkids.org/dads/index.html

10 Ways to be a Better Dad: Ten Things Every
Father Needs to Know ... And Do!

Spend Time With Your Children

How a father spends his time tells his children what's important
to him. If you always seem too busy for your children, they will feel
neglected no matter what you say. Treasuring children often means
sacrificing other things, but it is essential to spend time with your
children. Kids grow up so quickly. Missed opportunities are lost
forever.

Earn The Right To Be Heard

All too often the only time a father speaks to his children is
when they have done something wrong. That's why so many children
cringe when their mother says, "Your father wants to talk with you."
Begin talking with your kids when they are very young so that
difficult subjects will be easier to handle as they get older. Take
time and listen to their ideas and problems.

Discipline With Love

All children need guidance and discipline, not as punishment, but
to set reasonable limits. Remind your children of the consequences of
their actions and provide meaningful rewards for desirable behavior.
Fathers who discipline in a calm and fair manner show love for their
children.

Be a Role Model

Fathers are role models to their kids, whether they realize it or
not. A girl who spends time with a loving father grows up knowing she
deserves to be treated with respect by boys, and what to look for in
a husband. Fathers can teach sons what is important in life by
demonstrating honesty, humility and responsibility.

Be a Teacher

Too many fathers think teaching is something others do. But a
father who teaches his children about right and wrong, and encourages
them to do their best, will see his children make good choices.
Involved fathers use everyday examples to help their children learn
the basic lessons of life.

Eat Together as a Family

Sharing a meal together (breakfast, lunch or dinner) can be an
important part of healthy family life. In addition to providing some
structure in a busy day, it gives kids the chance to talk about what
they are doing and want to do. It is also a good time for fathers to
listen and give advice. Most importantly, it is a time for families
to be together each day.

Read to Your Children

In a world where television often dominates the lives of children,
it is important that fathers make the effort to read to their
children. Children learn best by doing and reading, as well as seeing
and hearing. Begin reading to your children when they are very young.
When they are older, encourage them to read on their own. Instilling
your children with a love for reading is one of the best ways to
ensure they will have a lifetime of personal and career growth.

Show Affection

Children need the security that comes from knowing they are
wanted, accepted and loved by their family. Parents, especially
fathers, need to feel both comfortable and willing to hug their
children. Showing affection every day is the best way to let your
children know that you love them.

Respect Your Children's Mother

One of the best things a father can do for his children is to
respect their mother. If you are married, keep your marriage strong
and vital. If you're not married, it is still important to respect
and support the mother of your children. A father and mother who
respect each other, and let their children know it, provide a secure
environment for them. When children see their parents respecting each
other, they are more likely to feel that they are also accepted and
respected.

Realize That A Father's Job Is Never Done

Even after children are grown and ready to leave home, they will
still look to their fathers for wisdom and advice. Whether it's
continued schooling, a new job or a wedding, fathers continue to play
an essential part in the lives of their children as they grow and,
perhaps, marry and build their own families.

The Positive Effects of Father
Involvement: Playing an active role in your childrens' lives is more
important than you ever could have imagined . . .

"A study using a national probability sample of 1, 250 fathers showed
that children whose fathers share meals, spend leisure time with
them, or help them with reading or homework do significantly better
academically than those children who do not." Source:
Cooksey, Elizabeth C. and Michelle M. Fondell. "Spending Time with
His Kids: Effects of Family Structure on Fathers' and Children's
Lives." Journal of Marriage and the Family 58 (August 1996): 693-707.

"A study using a nationally representative sample of 1, 600 10-13
year olds found that children who shared important ideas with their
fathers and who perceived the amount of time they spent with their
fathers as excellent had fewer behavior problems. . .than their peers
who did not share important ideas or view the amount of time they
spent with their fathers as excellent." Source:
Williams, Malcolm V. "Reconceptualizing Father Involvement." Masters
Thesis Georgetown University, 1997.

". . .for girls, studies link a sense of competence in
daughters-especially in mathematics and a sense of femininity-to a
close, warm relationship between father and daughter."
Source: Ranin, N. and G. Russell. "Increased Father
Participation and Child Development Outcomes." Fatherhood and Family
Policy. Eds. M.E. Lamb and A. Sagi. Hillside Lawrence Eribaum, 1983:
191-218.

"A study of parent-infant attachment found that fathers who were
affectionate, spent time with their children, and overall had a
positive attitude were more likely to have securely attached
infants." Source: Cox, M.J. et al. "Prediction of
Infant-Father and Infant-Mother Attachment." Developmental Psychology
28 (1992): 474-483.

"In a study of 75 toddlers it was found that. . .children whose
fathers spent a lot of time with them and who were sensitive to their
needs were found to be better adapted than their peers whose fathers
were not as involved and were less sensitive."
Source: Esterbrooks, M. Ann and Wendy A. Goldberg.
"Toddler Development in the Family: Impact of Father Involvement and
Parenting Characteristics." Child Development 55 (1984): 740-752.

The Absence of Quality Time:

"Preschool children watch an average of twenty-eight hours of
television per week; teenagers watch an average of 21 hours of
television per week. By contrast, teenagers spend only 35 minutes per
week talking with their fathers." Source: Bennett,
William J. The Index of Leading Cultural Indicators: Facts and
Figures on the State of American Society. New York: Simon and
Schuster, 1994. 102-103.

"Almost 20 percent of sixth through twelve graders have not had a
good conversation lasting for at least 10 minutes with at least one
of their parents in more than a month." Source: Peter
L. Benson, The Troubled Journey: A Portrait of 6th-12th Grade Youth
(Minneapolis: Search Institute, 1993): 84.

"In a study using 1,250 fathers of school aged children, it was
found that fathers eat only half of their breakfasts and dinners
together with their children." Source: Cooksey,
Elizabeth C. and Michelle M. Fondell. "Spending Time with His Kids:
Effects of Family Structure on Fathers' and Children's Lives."
Journal of Marriage and the Family 58 (August 1996): 693-707.

Raising a child is probably the most gratifying job any of us will
ever have -- and one of the toughest. In large part, that's because
times have changed. We live in an increasingly complex world that
challenges us everyday with a wide range of disturbing issues that
are difficult for children to understand and for adults to
explain.

We believe this booklet can help. It offers practical, concrete
tips and techniques for talking easily and openly with young children
ages 8 to 12 about some very tough issues: sex, HIV/AIDS, violence,
drugs and alcohol.

Some parents and caregivers may question the appropriateness of
talking about such sensitive topics with young children. Maybe you're
one of them. But consider this: our kids are already hearing about
these issues from TV, movies, magazines and school friends. If we
don't talk with them early and often -- and answer their questions --
they'll get their facts from someone else. And we'll have missed an
important opportunity to offer our children information that's not
only accurate, but also in sync with our own personal values and
moral principles.

Make sense? We think so. So let's get started.

1. Start Early

Kids are hearing about and forced to cope with tough issues at
increasingly early ages, often before they are ready to understand
all aspects of these complicated ideas. Additionally, medical
research and public health data tells us that when young children
want information, advice and guidance, they turn to their parents
first. Once they reach the teenage years, they tend to depend more on
friends, the media and other outsiders for their information. As a
parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to talk with your child
about these issues first, before anyone else can confuse your child
with incorrect information or explanations that lack the sense of
values you want to instill. We need to take advantage of this "window
of opportunity" with young children and talk with them earlier and
more often, particularly about tough issues like sex, HIV/AIDS,
violence, alcohol and drugs.

2. Initiate Conversations With Your Child

While we want our children to feel comfortable enough to come to
us with any questions and concerns -- and thus give us the
opportunity to begin conversations -- this doesn't always occur.
That's why it's perfectly okay -- at times even necessary -- to begin
the discussions ourselves. TV and other media are great tools for
this. Say, for instance, that you and your 12-year-old are watching
TV together and the program's plot includes a teenage pregnancy.
After the show is over, ask your child what she thought of the
program. Did she agree with how the teenagers behaved? Just one or
two questions could help start a valuable discussion that comes from
everyday circumstances and events.

Also, when speaking with your child, be sure to use words she can
understand. Trying to explain AIDS to a 6-year-old with words like
"transmission" and "transfusion" may not be as helpful as using
simpler language. The best technique: use simple, short words and
straightforward explanations.

If you have more than one child -- and your kids are widely spaced
-- try to speak with them separately, even about the same subject.
The reason? Children of varied ages are usually at different
developmental levels, which means that they need different
information, have different sensitivities and require a different
vocabulary. What's more, older children will often dominate the
discussion, which may prevent the younger ones from speaking up.

3. ...Even about Sex and Relationships

If you feel uncomfortable talking about such sensitive subjects --
particularly sex and relationships -- with your young child, you're
not alone. Many parents feel awkward and uneasy, especially if they
are anxious about the subject. But, for your kid's sake, try to
overcome your nervousness and bring up the issue with your child.
After all, our children are hearing about it both through the media
and on the playground, and that information may not include the
values that we want our kids to have.

4. Create an Open Environment

Young children want their parents to discuss difficult subjects
with them. However, our kids will look to us for answers only if they
feel we will be open to their questions. It's up to us to create the
kind of atmosphere in which our children can ask any questions -- on
any subject -- freely and without fear of consequence.

How do you create such an atmosphere? By being encouraging,
supportive and positive. For example, if your child asks, "How many
people have AIDS?" try not to answer with, "I don't know. Please just
finish your lunch." No matter how busy you are respond with something
like, "That's an interesting question, but I'm not sure. Let's go
look it up." (FYI: Don't worry that if your children learn that you
don't know everything, they won't look up to you. That's simply not
true. Kids accept, "I don't know," and "let's go find out," and they
are better responses than any inaccurate or misleading answers you
may be tempted to offer.)

One more point: You don't need to answer all of your children's
questions immediately. If your 10-year-old asks, "Mom, what's a
condom?" while you're negotiating a tricky turn in rush-hour traffic,
it's perfectly okay for you to say something like, "That's an
important question. But with all this traffic, I can't explain right
now. Let's talk later, after dinner." And make sure you do.

5. Communicate your values

As a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to be the first
person to talk with your child about tough issues like drugs and
violence before anyone else can confuse him with "just-the-facts"
explanations that lack the sense of values and moral principles you
want to instill. Likewise, when talking with your child about sex,
remember to talk about more than "the birds and the bees," and
communicate your values. Remember: research shows that children want
and need moral guidance from their moms and dads, so don't hesitate
to make your beliefs clear.

6. Listen to Your Child

How many times do we listen to our children while folding clothes,
preparing for the next day's meeting, or pushing a shopping cart
through the supermarket? While that's understandable, it's important
to find time to give kids our undivided attention. Listening
carefully to our children builds self-esteem by letting our
youngsters know that they're important to us and can lead to valuable
discussions about a wide variety of sensitive issues.

Listening carefully also helps us better understand what our
children really want to know as well as what they already understand.
And it keeps us from talking above our youngsters' heads and
confusing them even further. For example, suppose your child asks you
what crack is. Before you answer, ask him what he thinks it is. If he
says, "I think it's something you eat that makes you act funny," then
you have a sense of his level of understanding and can adjust your
explanations to fit.

Listening to our children and taking their feelings into account
also helps us understand when they've had enough. Suppose you're
answering your 9-year-old's questions about AIDS. If, after a while,
he says, "I want to go out and play," stop the talk and reintroduce
the subject at another time.

7. Be Honest

Whatever your children's age, they deserve honest answers and
explanations. It's what strengthens our children's ability to trust.
Also, when we don't provide a straightforward answer, kids make up
their own fantasy explanations, which can be more frightening than
any real, honest response we can offer.

While we may not want or need to share all the details of a
particular situation or issue with our child, try not to leave any
big gaps either. When we do, children tend to fill in the blanks
themselves, which can generate a good deal of confusion and
concern.

8. Be Patient

Often it can feel like forever before a youngster gets his story
out. As adults, we're tempted to finish the child's sentence for him,
filling in words and phrases in an effort to hear the point sooner.
Try to resist this impulse. By listening patiently, we allow our
children to think at their own pace and we are letting them know that
they are worthy of our time.

9. Use Everyday Opportunities to Talk

It's important to try to talk with your kids about tough issues
often, but there isn't always time in the day to sit down for a long
talk. Also, kids tend to resist formal discussions about today's
toughest issues, often categorizing them as just another lecture from
mom and dad. But if we use "talk opportunities," moments that arise
in everyday life, as occasions for discussion, our children will be a
lot less likely to tune us out. For instance, a newspaper item about
a child expelled from school for carrying a gun to class can help you
start a discussion on guns and violence. A public service TV
commercial can give you an opportunity to talk about AIDS.

10. Talk About it Again. And Again.

Since most young children can only take in small bits of
information at any one time, they won't learn all they need to know
about a particular topic from a single discussion. That's why it's
important to let a little time pass, then ask the child to tell you
what she remembers about your conversation. This will help you
correct any misconceptions and fill in missing facts.

Finally, in an effort to absorb all they want to know, children
often ask questions again and again over time -- which can test any
parent's nerves. But such repetition is perfectly normal, so be
prepared and tolerant. Don't be afraid to initiate discussions
repeatedly, either. Patience and persistence will serve you and your
child well.

The issue of drugs can be very confusing to young children. If drugs
are so dangerous, then why is the family medicine cabinet full of
them? And why do TV, movies, music and advertising often make drug
and alcohol use look so cool?

We need to help our kids to distinguish fact from fiction. And
it's not too soon to begin. National studies show that the average
age when a child first tries alcohol is 11; for marijuana, it's 12.
And many kids start becoming curious about these substances even
sooner. So let's get started!

1. Listen carefully

Student surveys reveal that when parents listen to their
children's feelings and concerns, their kids feel comfortable talking
with them and are more likely to stay drug-free.

2. Role play how to say "no"

Role play ways in which your child can refuse to go along with his
friends without becoming a social outcast. Try something like this,
"Let's play a game. Suppose you and your friends are at Andy's house
after school and they find some beer in the refrigerator and ask you
to join them in drinking it. The rule in our family is that children
are not allowed to drink alcohol. So what could you say?"

If your child comes up with a good response, praise him. If he
doesn't, offer a few suggestions like, "No, thanks. Let's play with
Sony PlayStation instead," or "No thanks. I don't drink beer. I need
to keep in shape for basketball."

3. Encourage choice

Allow your child plenty of opportunity to become a confident
decision-maker. An 8-year-old is capable of deciding if she wants to
invite lots of friends to her birthday party or just a close pal or
two. A 12-year-old can choose whether she wants to go out for chorus
or join the school band. As your child becomes more skilled at making
all kinds of good choices, both you and she will feel more secure in
her ability to make the right decision concerning alcohol and drugs
if and when the time arrives.

4. Provide age-appropriate information

Make sure the information that you offer fits the child's age and
stage. When your 6 or 7-year-old is brushing his teeth, you can say,
"There are lots of things we do to keep our bodies healthy, like
brushing our teeth. But there are also things we shouldn't do because
they hurt our bodies, like smoking or taking medicines when we are
not sick."

If you are watching TV with your 8 year-old and marijuana is
mentioned on a program, you can say, "Do you know what marijuana is?
It's a bad drug that can hurt your body." If your child has more
questions, answer them. If not, let it go. Short, simple comments
said and repeated often enough will get the message across.

You can offer your older child the same message, but add more
drug-specific information. For example, you might explain to your
12-year-old what marijuana and crack look like, their street names
and how they can affect his body.

5. Establish a clear family position on drugs

It's okay to say, "We don't allow any drug use and children in
this family are not allowed to drink alcohol. The only time that you
can take any drugs is when the doctor or Mom or Dad gives you
medicine when you're sick. We made this rule because we love you very
much and we know that drugs can hurt your body and make you very
sick; some may even kill you. Do you have any questions?"

6. Be a good example

Children will do what you do much more readily than what you say.
So try not to reach for a beer the minute you come home after a tough
day; it sends the message that drinking is the best way to unwind.
Offer dinner guests nonalcoholic drinks in addition to wine and
spirits. And take care not to pop pills, even over-the-counter
remedies, indiscriminately. Your behavior needs to reflect your
beliefs.

7. Discuss what makes a good friend

Since peer pressure is so important when it comes to kids'
involvement with drugs and alcohol, it makes good sense to talk with
your children about what makes a good friend. To an 8-year-old you
might say, "A good friend is someone who enjoys the same games and
activities that you do and who is fun to be around." 11 to
12-year-olds can understand that a friend is someone who shares their
values and experiences, respects their decisions and listens to their
feelings. Once you've gotten these concepts across, your children
will understand that "friends" who pressure them to drink or smoke
pot aren't friends at all. Additionally, encouraging skills like
sharing and cooperation -- and strong involvement in fun, healthful
activities (such as team sports or scouting) -- will help your
children make and maintain good friendships as they mature and
increase the chance that they'll remain drug-free.

8. Build self-esteem

Kids who feel good about themselves are much less likely than
other kids to turn to illegal substances to get high.

As parents, we can do many things to enhance our children's
self-image. Here are some pointers:

9. Offer lots of praise for any job well done.

If you need to criticize your child, talk about the action, not
the person. If your son gets a math problem wrong, it's better to
say, "I think you added wrong. Let's try again."

Assign do-able chores. A 6-year-old can bring her plate over to
the sink after dinner; a 12-year-old can feed and walk the dog after
school. Performing such duties and being praised for them helps your
child feel good about himself.

Spend one-on-one time with your youngster. Setting aside at least
15 uninterrupted minutes per child per day to talk, play a game, or
take a walk together, lets her know you care.

Say, "I love you." Nothing will make your child feel better.

10. Repeat the message

Information and lessons about drugs are important enough to repeat
frequently. So be sure to answer your children's questions as often
as they ask them to initiate conversation whenever the opportunity
arises.

11. If you suspect a problem, seek help

While kids under age 12 rarely develop a substance problem, it can
-- and does -- happen. If your child becomes withdrawn, loses weight,
starts doing poorly in school, turns extremely moody, has glassy eyes
-- or if the drugs in your medicine cabinet seem to be disappearing
too quickly -- talk with your child and reach out to any one of the
organizations listed here. You'll be helping your youngster to a
healthier, happier future.

Questions & Answers

Why do people take bad or illegal drugs?

There are lots of reasons. Maybe they don't know how dangerous
they are. Or maybe they feel bad about themselves or don't know how
to handle their problems. Or maybe they don't have parents they can
talk to. Why do you think they do it?

Why are some drugs good and some drugs bad for you?

When you get sick, the drugs the doctor gives you will help you
get better. But if you take these drugs when you're healthy, they can
make you sick. Also, there are some drugs, like marijuana or crack,
that are never good for you. To be safe, never ever take any drugs
unless Mom, Dad or the doctor says it's okay.

As upsetting and confusing as it can be to bring up the subject of
AIDS with young children, it's essential to do so. By the time they
reach third grade, research shows that as many as 93 percent of
children have already heard about the illness. Yet, while kids are
hearing about HIV/AIDS early on, what they are learning is often
inaccurate and frightening. You can set the record straight -- if you
know the facts yourself. HIV is transmitted from person to person
through contact with blood, semen, vaginal fluid, or breast milk. HIV
can be prevented by using latex condoms during sex, not sharing "drug
needles," and avoiding contact with another person's bodily fluids.
So stay informed. Sharing this information with your youngster can
keep her safe and calm her fears. Finally, talking with your child
about AIDS lays the groundwork for any future conversations about
AIDS-preventative behavior. Here are some tips on how to get
started:

1. Initiate discussion

Use a "talk opportunity" to introduce the subject of AIDS to your
child. For example, try tying a discussion into something your child
sees or hears, such as a commercial about AIDS. After you and your
child watch the ad, say something like, "Have you heard about AIDS
before? Well, what do you think AIDS is?" This way, you can figure
out what she already understands and work from there.

2. Present the facts

Offer honest, accurate information that's appropriate to a child's
age and development. To an 8-year-old you might say, "AIDS is a
disease that makes people very sick. It's caused by a virus, called
HIV, which is a tiny germ." An older child can absorb more detailed
information: "Your body is made up of billions of cells. Some of
these cells, called T-cells, help your body stay healthy by fighting
off disease. But if you get a virus called HIV, that virus kills the
T- cells. Over time, the body can't fight disease any more and that
person has AIDS." Preteens should also understand how condoms could
help protect people from getting AIDS and that the disease can be
transmitted between persons who share drug needles. (If you have
already explained sexual intercourse to your children, you might add,
"During sexual intercourse, the semen from the man's body goes into
the woman's body. That semen can carry HIV." If you have not yet
talked about sex, don't bring it up during initial discussions about
AIDS. It's not a good idea for your child's first information about
sex to be associated with such a serious disease.)

3. Set them straight

Children's misconceptions about AIDS can be pretty scary, so it's
important to correct them as soon as possible. Suppose your
8-year-old comes home from school one day, tearful because she fell
down on the playground, scraped her knee and started bleeding -- and
the other kids told her she would get AIDS. As a parent, you might
explain, "No, you don't have AIDS. You're fine. You can't get AIDS
from scraping your knee. The way you can get AIDS is when the fluids
from your body mix with those of someone who has AIDS. Do you
understand?" After such a discussion, it's also wise to check back
with your child and see what she remembers. Understanding AIDS,
particularly for young children, takes more than a single
conversation.

4. Foster self-esteem

Praising our children frequently, setting realistic goals and
keeping up with their interests are an effective way to build
self-esteem. And that's important, because when kids feel good about
themselves, they are much more likely to withstand peer pressure to
have sex before they are ready, or to not do drugs. In short, they
are less likely to engage in behavior that could put them at risk for
AIDS.

5. Put Your Child's Safety First

Some adults mistakenly believe that AIDS is only a disease of
homosexuals. Whatever your beliefs, try not to let your opinions or
feelings prevent you from giving your child the facts about AIDS and
its transmission -- it's information that's essential to their health
and safety.

6. Be prepared to discuss death

When talking with your kids about AIDS, questions about death may
come up. So get ready to answer them by reading books (see Readings
for Children and Parents) available at libraries or bookstores. In
the meantime, here are three helpful tips:

Explain death in simple terms. Explain that when someone dies,
they don't breathe, or eat, or feel hungry or cold, and you won't see
them again. Although very young children won't be able to understand
such finality, that's okay. Just be patient and repeat the message
whenever appropriate.

Never explain death in terms of sleep. It may make your child
worry that if he falls asleep, he'll never wake up.

Offer reassurance. If appropriate, tell your child that you are
not going to die from AIDS and that he won't either. Stress that
while AIDS is serious, it is preventable.

Questions & Answers

What is AIDS?

AIDS is a very serious disease that is caused by a tiny germ
called a virus. When you are healthy, your body can fight off
diseases, like Superman fighting the bad guys. Even if you do get
sick, your body can fight the germs and make you well again. But when
you have AIDS, your body cannot protect you. That's why people with
AIDS get very sick.

How do you get AIDS?

You can get AIDS when the fluids from your body mix with those of
someone who has AIDS. You can't catch it like the flu and you can't
get it just by touching or being near someone with AIDS, so you and I
don't have to worry about getting it. (NOTE: If you have already
talked with your child about sex, you should also add, "You can also
get AIDS by having unprotected sexual intercourse with someone who
has the HIV virus.")

Can kids get AIDS?

Very few children get AIDS. But if they were born to a mother who
had AIDS, they could get AIDS when they were born. A long time ago,
some kids who had hemophilia -- a disease that means their blood
doesn't have enough good cells, so they need to get blood from other
people -- got AIDS when they got blood. But that doesn't happen
anymore. AIDS is mostly a disease of grownups. (NOTE: If your child
already knows about the link between sex and AIDS, and IV drug use
and AIDS, you might also add, "Sometimes teenagers who have
unprotected sex (including oral sex) or who share drug needles get
AIDS." But you should still emphasize that "AIDS is mostly a disease
of grown-ups.")

How can you tell from looking at someone if they have
AIDS?

You can't. Anyone, regardless of what they look like, can have
AIDS. People find out if they have AIDS after being tested by a
doctor. Therefore, the only way to know if someone has AIDS is to ask
him if he has been tested and if the test results were positive for
HIV/AIDS.

Do all gay people get AIDS?

No. Homosexuals get AIDS the same way that heterosexuals do. And
they can protect themselves the same way, too.

Most parents want to do their best in talking with their kids about
sex and sexuality, but we're often not sure how to begin. Here's our
advice:

1. Explore your own attitudes

Studies show that kids who feel they can talk with their parents
about sex -- because their moms and dads speak openly and listen
carefully to them -- are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior
as teens than kids who do not feel they can talk with their parents
about the subject. So explore your feelings about sex. If you are
very uncomfortable with the subject, read some books (see Readings
for Parents) and discuss your feelings with a trusted friend,
relative, physician, or clergy member. The more you examine the
subject, the more confident you'll feel discussing it.

Even if you can't quite overcome your discomfort, don't worry
about admitting it to your kids. It's okay to say something like,
"You know, I'm uncomfortable talking about sex because my parents
never talked with me about it. But I want us to be able to talk about
anything -- including sex -- so please come to me if you have any
questions. And if I don't know the answer, I'll find out."

2. Start early

Teaching your children about sex demands a gentle, continuous flow
of information that should begin as early as possible -- for
instance, when teaching your toddler where his nose and toes are,
include "this is your penis" or "this is your vagina" in your talks.
As your child grows, you can continue her education by adding more
materials gradually until she understands the subject well.

3. Take the initiative

If your child hasn't started asking questions about sex, look for
a good opportunity to bring it up. Say, for instance, the mother of
an 8-year-old's best friend is pregnant. You can say, "Did you notice
that David's mommy's tummy is getting bigger? That's because she's
going to have a baby and she's carrying it inside her. Do you know
how the baby got inside her?" then let the conversation move from
there.

4. Talk about more than the "Birds and the Bees"

While our children need to know the biological facts about sex,
they also need to understand that sexual relationships involve
caring, concern and responsibility. By discussing the emotional
aspect of a sexual relationship with your child, she will be better
informed to make decisions later on and to resist peer pressure. If
your child is a Preven, you need to include some message about the
responsibilities and consequences of sexual activity. Conversations
with 11 and 12-year-olds, for example, should include talks about
unwanted pregnancy and how they can protect themselves.

One aspect that many parents overlook when discussing sex with
their child is dating. As opposed to movies, where two people meet
and later end up in bed together, in real life there is time to get
to know each other -- time to hold hands, go bowling, see a movie, or
just talk. Children need to know that this is an important part of a
caring relationship.

5. Give accurate, age-appropriate information

Talk about sex in a way that fits the age and stage of your child.
If your 8-year-old asks why boys and girls change so much physically
as they grow, you can say something like, "The body has special
chemicals called hormones that tell it whether to become a boy or a
girl. A boy has a penis and testicles, and when he grows older his
voice gets lower and he gets more hair on his body. A girl has a
vulva and vagina, and when she gets older she grows breasts and her
hips grow rounder."

6. Anticipate the next stage of development

Children can get frightened and confused by the sudden changes
their bodies begin to go through as they reach puberty. To help stop
any anxiety, talk with your kids not only about their current stage
of development but about the next stage, too. An 8-year-old girl is
old enough to learn about menstruation, just as a boy that age is
ready to learn how his body will change.

7. Communicate your values

It's our responsibility to let our children know our values about
sex. Although they may not adopt these values as they mature, at
least they'll be aware of them as they struggle to figure out how
they feel and want to behave.

8. Talk with your child of the opposite sex

Some parents feel uncomfortable talking with their child about
topics like sex if the youngster is of the opposite gender. While
that's certainly understandable, don't let it become an excuse to
close off conversation. If you're a single mother of a son, for
example, you can turn to books to help guide you or ask your doctor
for some advice on how to bring up the topic with your child. You
could also recruit an uncle or other close male friend or relative to
discuss the subject with your child, provided there is already good,
open communication between them. If there are two parents in the
household, it might feel less awkward to have the dad talk with the
boy and the mom with the girl. That's not a hard and fast rule,
though. If you're comfortable talking with either sons or daughters,
go right ahead. Just make sure that gender differences don't make
subjects like sex taboo.

9. Relax

Don't worry about knowing all the answers to your children's
questions; what you know is a lot less important than how you
respond. If you can convey the message that no subject, including
sex, is forbidden in your home, you'll be doing just fine.

Questions & Answers

What's safe sex?

If two people have sexual intercourse or oral sex and one of them
has HIV or another sexually transmitted disease, he could give it to
his partner(s). Doctors believe that if the man wears a latex condom
whenever he has intercourse, it helps to protect him and his partner
from giving each other HIV. That's why people call sexual intercourse
or oral sex with a latex condom "safe sex."

Is it true that you can't get pregnant the first time that you
have sex?

No. You can get pregnant anytime you have sexual intercourse.
Wearing a latex condom, taking birth control pills, or using other
contraceptives are very effective at preventing pregnancy. However,
the only absolute way to not get pregnant is to not have sex at all.
You might also use this question as an opportunity to point out that
not having sexual intercourse is a good idea for teens. Help them
understand there are other ways to show affection.

As part of our national campaign, President Clinton unveiled new TV
and radio ads in August 1999 to help parents talk with their children
about violence. Read the complete press release, obtain the free
booklet, and view or listen to the TV and radio PSAs.

aising a child is one of the most gratifying jobs you'll ever have
and one of the toughest. Try as you might to be the best parent you
can, our complex world challenges you every day with disturbing
issues that are difficult for children to understand and for parents
to explain. But explain we must, or we miss a critical opportunity.
Research shows that children, especially those between the ages of 8
and 12, want their parents to talk with them about today's toughest
issues, including violence. Even when they reach adolescence, they
want to have a caring adult in their lives to talk about these
issues. In fact, those who have early conversations are more likely
to continue turning to their parents as they become teens.

Violence in today's world in the media, in our neighborhoods and
even in our schools can make our children feel frightened, unsafe and
insecure. Kids are hearing about and often must cope with tough
issues such as violence at increasingly earlier ages, often before
they are ready to understand all the aspects of complicated
situations. Yet, there is hope. Parents and other caring adults have
a unique opportunity to talk with their children about these issues
first, before everyone else does.

Even in such complex times, parents have the ability to raise
healthy, confident, secure children who know how to resolve conflicts
peacefully and make smart decisions to protect themselves. Parents
should talk with their children to help them learn correct
information and to impart the values they want to instill. Parents
should also be a consistent, reliable, knowledgeable source of
information. Here are some tips on getting started.

Develop open communication

It is important that you talk with your kids openly and honestly.
Use encouragement, support and positive reinforcement so your kids
know that they can ask any question-on any topic-freely and without
fear of consequence. Provide straightforward answers; otherwise, your
child may make up her own explanations that can he more frightening
than any honest response you could offer. If you don't know the
answer, admit it-then find the correct information and explore it
together. Use everyday opportunities to talk as occasions for
discussion. Some of the best talks you'll have with your child will
take place when you least expect them. And remember that it often
takes more than a single talk for children to grasp all they need to
know. So talk, talk and talk again.

Encourage them to talk it out.

Children feel better when they talk about their feelings. It lifts
the burden of having to face their fears alone and offers an
emotional release. If you sense that a violent event (whether real or
fictional) has upset your youngster, you might say something like,
"That TV program we saw seemed pretty scary to me. What did you think
about it?" and see where the conversation leads. If your child
appears constantly depressed, angry or feels persecuted, it is
especially important to reassure him that you love him and encourage
him to talk about his concerns. And if he has been violent or a
victim of violence, it is critical to give him a safe place to
express his feelings.

Monitor the Media

Over the years, many experts have concluded that viewing a lot of
violence in the media can be risky for children. Studies have shown
that watching too much violence-whether on TV, in the movies, or in
video games-can increase the chance that children will be
desensitized to violence, or even act more aggressively themselves.
Pay special attention to the kinds of media your children play with
or watch. Parental advisories for music, movies, TV, video and
computer games can help you choose age-appropriate media for your
children. Try watching TV or playing video games with your children
and talk with them about the things you see together. Encourage your
children to think about what they are watching, listening to or
playing-how would they handle situations differently? Let them know
why violent movies or games disturb you. For example, you might tell
your nine-year-old, "Violence just isn't funny to me. In real life
people who get shot have families and children, and it's sad when
something bad happens to them." Watching the news and other media
with your child enables you to discuss current events like war and
other conflicts, and can provide an opportunity to reinforce the
consequences of violence. (See Mediawatch
and TV Violence)

Parents and other caring adults can help tone down the effects
of these violent messages.

Be selective about which movies your child sees and which
video and computer game they play.

Establish rules about the Internet by going on-line together
to choose sites that are appropriate and fun for your child.

Consider using monitoring tools for TV and the Internet,
like the v-chip, a new technology that allows parents to block TV
programs they consider inappropriate.

Take advantage of the ratings system that provides parents
with information about the content of a TV program or movie.

Acknowledge your children's fears and reassure them of their
safety

Children who experience or witness violence, as well as those who
have only seen violent acts on TV or in the movies, often become
anxious and fearful. That's why it's important to reassure a child
that their personal world can remain safe. Try saying something like
this to your 7 or 8-year-old: "I know that you are afraid. I will do
my very best to make sure you are safe." The recent school tragedies
in Colorado and in Georgia have shown that violence can not only
frighten children but can make them feel guilty for not preventing
it. By providing consistent support and an accepting environment, you
can help reduce children's anxieties and fears.

Take a stand

Parents need to be clear and consistent about the values they want
to instill. Don't cave in to your children's assertion that
"everybody else does it (or has seen it)" when it comes to allowing
them to play what you view as an excessively violent game or to watch
an inappropriate movie. You have a right and responsibility to say,
"I don't like the message that game sends. I know that you play that
game at your friend's house, but I don't want it played in our
house."

Control your own behavior

When it comes to learning how to behave, children often follow
their parents' lead, which is why it is important to examine how you
approach conflict. Do you use violence to settle arguments? When
you're angry, do you yell or use physical force? If you want your
child to avoid violence, model the right behavior for her.

Set limits regarding children's actions towards others

Let your child know that teasing can become bullying and
roughhousing can get out of control. If you see your child strike
another, impose a "time out" in order for him to calm down, then ask
him to explain why he hit the child. Tell him firmly that hitting is
not allowed and help him figure out a peaceful way to settle the
problem.

Hold family meetings

Regularly scheduled family meetings can provide children-and us-
with an acceptable place to talk about complaints and share opinions.
Just be sure that everyone gets a chance to speak. Use these meetings
to demonstrate effective problem-solving and negotiation skills. Keep
the meetings lively, but well controlled, so children learn that
conflicts can be settled creatively and without violence.

Convey strict rules about weapons

Teach your child that real guns and knives are very dangerous and
that they can hurt and kill people. You might say, "I know in the
cartoons you watch and the video and computer games you play, the
characters are always shooting each other. They never get hurt; they
just pop up again later like nothing ever happened. But in real life,
someone who gets shot will be seriously hurt; sometimes they even
die."

Talk about gangs and cliques

Gangs and cliques are often a result of young people looking for
support and belonging. However, they can become dangerous when
acceptance depends upon negative or antisocial behavior. If you
believe your child might be exposed or attracted to a gang, talk
about it together. Look for an opportunity-say you see an ad for a
movie that makes gang life seem glamorous-and say, "You know,
sometimes it seems like joining a gang might be cool. But it's not.
Kids in gangs get hurt. Some even get killed because they try to
solve their problems through violence. Really smart kids choose
friends who are fun to be with and won't put them in any danger."
Many communities have programs that help prevent gang violence.

Talk with other parents

Help give your kids a consistent anti-violence message by speaking
with the parents of your kids' friends about what your children can
and cannot view or play in your homes. Ask other parents if there's a
gun in their home. If there is, talk with them to make sure they've
taken the necessary safety measures. Having this kind of conversation
may seem uncomfortable, but keep in mind that nearly 40 percent of
accidental handgun shootings of children under 16 occur in the homes
of friends and relatives.

Pay particular attention to boys

Most boys love action. But action need not become violence.
Parents must distinguish between the two and help their boys do so as
well. Allow them safe and healthy outlets for their natural energy.
And recognize that talking-especially about violence-is different for
boys than for girls. Boys may feel ashamed to express their real
feelings about violence. Instead of sitting down for a " talk,"
initiate the topic while the two of you are engaged in an activity he
enjoys. Provide privacy for these conversations. And be ready to
listen when he's ready to talk, even if the timing isn't ideal.
(Pollack, Real Boys, 1998.)

Pay particular attention to girls

Girls often participate in culturally accepted forms of abuse:
slapping, hitting, kicking boys and verbal abuse. While the culture
generally accepts this behavior, and it is displayed daily in soaps,
sit coms, reality television, etc., only sees it as abusive if the
boy does it and doesn't take action to stop it, nevertheless it is
still abusive behavior and should not be acceptable.

We hope you have found this information helpful. If you still want
more information, contact any of these organizations listed or go to
the library or bookstore and check out these books for parents. There
are lots of people you can talk with like doctors, teachers, members
of the clergy or other parents.

What do I do if a kid at school is picking on me?

A bully usually feels badly about himself and that's why he picks
on people. I know you want to stand up to him, but try hard not to
get mad or let him provoke you. If you feel like you can handle it,
try to stand tall and say, "I'm not going to fight with you." But
remember, you don't have to handle it on your own. I'm there for you
and if you need me to talk with your teacher or principal, I
will.

What do I do if I see someone bring a gun to school?

If you ever see a gun anywhere, never touch it. It is important
that you tell an adult-like your teacher or us, right away. That way,
you'll stay safe and help make sure no one else gets hurt.

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free copy of Acrobat Reader from Adobe through the www.talkingwithkids.org/booklet.html site or
by calling toll-free 800.CHILD.44 (244.5344)..

Talk With Your Kids About Violence

Talk With Your Kids About Tough Issues (In English)

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Children should be led into the right paths, not by severity, but by
persuasion. - Terence