Kriz10 <3

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The smell of the vanilla reminds me so much of my old apartment in Northgate. It is insane how smell can trigger so many memories to flood your mind. It has made me, once again, go back through this journal that I once wrote in religiously. Of course some of the things bring a smile to my face...the college, partying, staying up until 5 AM and barely functioning....that was all good and fun. I actually do miss that from time to time. The lack of real responsibilities I had...hah. And then of course the bad memories. I have to ask myself...do I wish it never happened? How would my life be different if it had never occurred? What if the hurricane never existed? Would Jaime and I have planned that party and would I have begun hanging out with her? Would I have met him? Would we have broken up and would I have met Kevin? It's crazy how long of a chain of events it takes to get where you are. It's strange reading some old posts and reading my own writing about how years from now this will all seem so silly and be just a speck in my life, more of less. But i guess it wasn't. I hate that i still think about it from time to time. I wish I could just forget it all but it was too painful.

On a lighter note...Kaylee is almost 2!!!!! I can't believe how fast she is growing up. We have to start planning her Elmo Themed birthday party :) She is such a good little girl. She will be starting Summer Camp in June and I will also be working there. Can't beat having your child go to a GREAT summer camp for $5 a day. I went to a Job Fair this past weekend for Flour Bluff (one of the local school districts)...so I am keeping my fingers crossed!! Hopefully I will be teaching full-time next school year.

Ahh...the Vanilla is too much! Kev has always loved air fresheners for some reason lol...why did we have to go with vanilla? Um cause he asked me "Babe, do you want vanilla or ocean breeze?" and I said "Vanilla" without even thinking twice. Next time it will definitely be the latter!! lol

Hope you all are doing well! Actually, I am probably writing to myself lol...no one uses this anymore! Duh!

It makes me very sad reading my past entries. It's amazing how badly I was in pain. I hate to say that I will always remember that pain that i felt...it will always stick with me just a little bit. I am so thankful for my life now and that i have an amazing husband and daughter. I am glad i made it through those extremely hard times in my life. I guess all i can say is forgiven but not forgotten. You live and hopefully you learn. I know i did.

Sat, Oct. 21st, 2006, 07:10 pm

Some exerpts from a book that may have quite possibly recovered my sanity:

"Once upon a time we believed that someday we would be swept off our feet by a handsome prince charming who would love and cherish us forever. We would then be joyful and feel complete. We would feel as special as a princess-an independent, modern day princess with opinions, goals, and perhaps a career of her own. We would be appreciated and adored by our prince and lovingly placed on a pedestal- a position of high esteem, dignity, and honor. And, once we found our prince charming, maybe it was so...for a time. Then one day our prince, suddenly becoming less than charming, threw a few wounding words at us. For some of us, the words were so subtle that we doubted they could have meant what we knew they meant. For others of us, the words were so blatant that we could hardly believe we had really heard what we knew we had heard. We were stunned, we were hurt, and we were sad. It just couldn't be. Surely our prince charming wouldn't say or do anything to make us feel bad.After all, he was our love, our destiny. He said that we were imagining the whole thing or that he hadn't meant anything by it. He insisted that surely we must know he would never say or do anything to hurt us. When we seemed unsure, he said to stop making such a big deal out of it. Some of our princes blamed us for everything. Some later said they were sorry, that they loved us and didn't know why they had talked to us that way. They said they felt pressured, or that they were upset about something and hadn't meant to take it out on us;that we didn't deserve it. Then they begged our forgiveness and promised it would never happen again. And we believed them. But it did happen again...and then again. Our princes words hit as hard as a fist and cut to the quick like an invisible dagger. We were knocked off balance. We grabbed on to our pedestal tighter and tighter, our mind spinning around and around, faster and faster. It couldn't be...or could it? We couldnt be sure. Maybe we were imagining it, but we didn't think so. Maybe we were blowing it all out of proportion, but then why did we feel so awul? We questioned, we analyzed, we objected. We tried to do everything he said he wanted. We tried to talk to him, appeal to him, and explain how we felt. When none of it did any good, we tried with all our might to put the hurtful incidents out of our min and pretend that everything was still okay. But underneath, we knew better-and so did our stomach, which began to churn.......Life on the ground was sad, empty, lonely, and painful. We stoppped trusting our own instincts and believing in our own worth. We hardly knew who we were anymore. We spent more and more time wondering, worrying, hoping, waiting, trying to figure out, and feeling confused. We analyzed, explained, defended, pleaded, begged, screamed, threatened, and we cried. When none of it worked, we became angry and frustrated, frightened and lost, and we cried some more. Finally, we believed we were going crazy. We had knots in our stomach so often that we forgot how it felt not to have them. We tread lightly, walked on eggs, waited for the other shoe to drop, and anxiously wondered each day would would show up-the loving dr. jekyll we believed our partner really was, down deep, or the hateful Mr. Hyde he turned into more and more often. We tried to figure out when we had become the enemy, and why we lost the battle in a war we didnt want to wage, didnt understand, couldnt believe was being fought- and worst of all- felt completely helpless to stop. There we sat, all alone, surrounded by chaos, with no idea where to turn for shelter or solace, remembering what it used to be like- and sometimes still was- and we hoped and waited and even prayed for things to get better. Why couldn't our prince understand our pain? Didn't he know how much we loved him? DIdn't he realize he was our prince charming, the man we had dreamed of and waited for all our life? Why could we handle everything at home? And why could be get along with everyone else in our life but not the person who mattered to us most?"

**ok i know that was a lot to read but it took me a few minutes to type it all up so read it!! it's really good and it hits sooooooooo close to home for me...it feels like someone got inside of my head and wrote everything down...so please read it**

These are also some good points in the book...i'm just going to write out the ones that pertain to me:

* You get that "certain feeling" that something is wrong but you don't know what it is* You feel as if you have been put down, but you can't put your finger on the cause. * Your partner switches from charm to anger without warning, often catching you off guard. * He sometimes treats you as if you were his enemy. He frequently gets angry about the most insignificant things. What seems like small issues often become big battles. * What angers your partner one day is different from what angers him the next. As fast as you fix one thing he objects to, he begins criticizing, complaining, or raging about something else. It seems like you can't do enough to satisfy him. * He expects you to know what he is thinking and feeling, to anticipate his unspoken needs and desires, and to put them ahead of your own. * No matter what you do, your partner twists it around so that you seem to be in the wrong. * You rationalize your partners poor behavior and make excuses for it. You even lie to cover it up.* Your partner brings out the worst in you, causing you to say and do things you dislike yourself for, yet can't seem to stop.* You often feel inadequate, incapable, stupid, and bad about yourself.* He is possesive and jealous of the time you spend with your friends. * He tries to control what you wear and to whom you talk. * You feel restricted, watched over, scrutinized, and accused of things you did not do. * When your partner acts nice, you tend to forget his past hurtful behavior and think that he has changed and that things will get better. You think that maybe the good times outweigh the bad. * You often feel lonely, even when your partner is right beside you. You miss the him you used to know and love. * You feel trapped and hopeless.

Ok if i don't stop now i will end up typing the whole book. It is the greatest book ever and like i said, it feels like the book is about ME. I guess i was not alone in the situation. So many other people have gone through the same exact thing with the same exact symptoms.

I was going to type out some "poetry" that i have written in the past few weeks but i am tired or typing now. So i will do that some other time. Hope at least some of you read this all. If you or someone you know is going through something similar get the book! It called The Secrets of Overcoming Verbal Abuse--Getting Off the Emotional Rollercoaster and Regaining Control of Your Life. It is by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Marcia Grad Powers. One of the best things I ever bought!

What's the point is all you ever sayI guess it's just I always think that wayWell I pray you just don't let it run your lifeThink twice, if this is living then I am ready for good byeCome on man, you know you don't mean thatFuck that, I think I'm ready for a heart attackThink about the people and the things to live for These whores and my job selling doors door to door

Life is like a rollercoaster with highs and lowsBut who knows, mine might have come with defective bolts It shows, every day it grows and it growsto spite my face, cut off my nose

This is the story of my life dealing with all the pain and strifeWhy won't you just let me be, I guess I'm just to blind, poor meIt seems as though she doesn't care, that my life is in despairWhy won't she just let me be, guess I'm just to blind poor me

So thats it, take the easy way outWithout a doubt, every other option is outWhat about your family what about your friendsFuck them they'll realize this was right in the endThink of what your saying for a minute or twoC'mon dude all this shit isn't because of youWell that true, but when did you become completly ungluedAll perception of life is screwed

All that I can say is that it seems to meThat everyone I know seems to want something from meAnd when I am down on my knees, beggin pleaseWishing one day that I could be freeAnd then I think without a doubtJust about how I need to find an easy way outThere's no escape from me, POOR ME (another beer)

WOW!!! How desperate can I get?? lol Ok so i am in desperate need of money and i am contemplating donating my eggs. No, i am not doing this for a measly 100 dollars or something...fucking EIGHT grand!!! Eight thousand dollars! Do you know how much that would help me out right now? I am also thinking about donating plasma...that isn't much money...only like 10 or so bucks a time...but hey, like i said, i am desperate. And i am so sick of being stressed out about money. And besides, me donating my eggs would help out a family who isn't able to have children...so it isn't completely selfish! Who knows...i think i might do it.

Women have strengths that amaze men.They bear hardships and carry burdens,But they hold happiness, love and joy.They smile when they want to scream.They sing when they want to cry.They cry when they are happyAnd laugh when they are nervous.They fight for what they believe in.They stand up to injustice.They don't take "no" for an answerWhen they believe there is a better solution.They go without so their family can have.They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.They love unconditionally.They cry when their children excelAnd cheer when their friends get awards.They are happy when they hear aboutA birth or a wedding.Their hearts break when a friend dies.They grieve at the loss of a family member,Yet they are strong when theyThink there is no strength left.They know that a hug and a kissCan heal a broken heart.Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail youTo show how much they care about you.The heart of a woman is whatMakes the world keep turning.They bring joy, hope and love.They have compassion and ideas.They give moral support to theirFamily and friends.Women have vital things to sayAnd everything to give.HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,IT IS THAT SOME FORGET THEIR WORTH