Hi, my name is Kirk Dickton, and I’m here to tell you about the trend that is sweeping the mid-western part of this great nation of ours: silos full of hermit crabs.

You’re probably about to say “But Dickton, what could I possibly want to do with a silo full of hermit crabs? That sounds completely ignorant. Get off of the hood of my car.” Well, before come out and fight me on the hood like that Quantum Leap fanfic I wrote, listen to the benefits of having a giant container full of small crustaceans on your property.

1) You’ll never have to buy hermit crabs on vacation again. We all know how annoying this can get. What color cage do I get? Should I get the crab with a misshapen Batman logo painted on it, or the one with what you can only assume is a bloated Matt Lauer’s face? Did I get the sponge thing so the kid holds off a little while on the inevitable tragedy of finding a dried crab corpse outside of his Matt Lauer home in a last ditch effort to find hydration? Not anymore. Just have the kids bring over a bucket and you can dump pounds of pissed-off crabs on them, furious and ready to eat the flesh of their captors. That increases the fun factor by an easy 5!

2) Say goodbye to expensive crab dinners! Never buy king or snow crabs again. Simply pull your Crab lever, catch them in your boiling troth, and suck em right out of the shell, exoskeleton and all. Its not that unpleasant, especially if you pair them with IGA brand Saltines and a good bottled cocktail sauce. Someone get Bobby Flay on the phone and tell him to suck a J, cause you just hacked this dinner.

3) Great gambling opportunities! Tired of hosting an underground Tilapia soccer ring? Of course you are! Bring in the crabs! Have your depraved associates guess how many living crabs are in your silo! Create a Crab-Tucky Derby complete with Man O’ Crab, Crabiteriate, and American Crab! Challenge yourselves by seeing how many crabs you can cram inside another crabs shell while he’s in it! The gambling possibilities are endless!

But hey, don’t just take it from me. Listen to these fine testimonials of satisfied crab silo customers!

Frank: When my wife left me and took the kids, it seemed that my life had no meaning anymore. I would often take my son’s bike and ride it down the middle of State Route 7 at night, waiting for Gerald Gunthrie’s Chevy to relieve me of this miserable existence. But then I found salvation in crab siloing. The rustling sounds of their legs and shells rubbing against one another as they struggle for dominance in their tall metal container prison echoing through the humid night air helps me pull my head out of that gas oven and get a good night’s rest.

Gert: Our land had been farmed to death. We tried corn, soy beans, tobacco, everything, but it seemed that the land was done with us. But then I got myself a crab silo, and let me tell you, those crabs that we planted are turning into fine corn on the crab and crabbacco.

Hilly: As a convicted sexual predator, I’m always looking for the next thrill, and that’s getting harder and harder to do. Little did I know that crab silos held the key to my next step in depravity. Flinging my naked body into a 4-story heap of hermit crabs like a sexual Scrooge McDuck has helped me to push past my limits and embrace the next step of my evolution towards becoming the Ultimate Being and Vessel for Gorg. Praise Gorg.

So, hey, what are you doing? Come on! Get some hermit crabs! It’s not that hard! Pick up the phone, dial 834-222-CRAB right now! There’s no question this is the next step in your life that will make you a better husband, lover and friend to those around you!