This is the DogBlog. It's where I'll be recording thoughts,
musings, and ponderworthy items. It's also where I'll bitch
about a bad day. I'll update it ... let's say once a week.
Probably more. But maybe less. Because sometimes I will get
busy, and eventually I'll die (I'm a dog). If nothing else,
by the time I get sick of doing this, you should have a pretty
good sense of what it's like being a dog with HUMAN HANDS.

14September, 2004
by Malcolm

I left my editing project project in my teacher's box instead of at his office, which led to confusion. As a means of apology, I cooked up a backstory for my professor. To wit:

Oh... sorry about that. Well, let me make it up to you, with an explanation of the characters' backstories, to help you better understand the choices Maurice and I made in the editing:

Sylvia came to America from Hungary in 1985, stowed away in an empty mechanic's cabin on a crumbling Exxon oil tanker. Her father died mid- transit, of lupus, and her mother was never the same. She spent the days and nights that followed gazing through the salt-smeared porthole at the undulations of the water. When the tanker traveled east-west she had neither sunrise nor sunset to look upon, and on those days, which comprised the final leg of her voyage, she was like a veil of gloom over the family, especially on young Sylvia, who felt so deeply, was so pure of heart...

Adam and Todd grew up together in a small orphanage in Connecticut. At the age of 12, they fled the orphanage, only to be captured by murderous meth-addicted transients. Fortunately for Adam and Todd, a vigilante fallen nun, who recognized them from a visit to the orphange two years prior, happened upon the boys as the hobos were preparing to cook them. Using the teachings of Tae Bo, she reduced the hobos to a quivering mass of introspection. She adopted Adam and Todd, and read to them every night from the scriptures, in the original Latin translation. Unfortunately, due to runoff from a nearby paint plant, she suffered from a bizarre speech impairment, which caused her to speak backwards when reading aloud. Not surprisingly, the boys became pawns of Satan.

The pair met Sylvia while they were getting their oil changed one day. They all shared a similar taste in music, and talked during their 15- minute wait period about Rickie Lee Jones and Boz Scaggs. When the time came to part ways, they knew somewhere deep inside that they would meet again.

How right they were. No sooner had Sylvia pulled out of her parking space did Adam and Todd plow into her Toyota Celica, injuring her knee. Although Todd was nowhere near the point of impact, he suffered a major concussion and was never the same. Sylvia, who was fond of her knee, was also never the same. While working out the insurance details, she decided that a life of crime awaited her, and that her destiny lay with these two men. She asked, and they said sure. After an initial period of worry over how she knew that they were criminals, the duo chalked it up to coincidence and took her back to their hideout.

Together they plotted what would be their first and last bank robbery, of the 2nd St. Savings and Loan, in order to finance their move to Canada. Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. So they plotted every point along the way, and in the process Sylvia and Todd (who had taken to carrying a rifle-shaped bouquet of roses everywhere) began to fall in love. Unbeknownst to Sylvia, however, Todd's father, an allied infantryman in World War II, had had scores of girlfriends during those years, and was in fact Sylvia's birth father. He used to speak at great length about "Svetlana, the Russo-Hungarian dame with whom I spent those long winter nights AWOL from my company, who had a daughter named Sylvia who came to America in 1985 and who wears glasses," and Todd knew well the cards that fate had so cruelly dealt him. Todd knew that for a pawn of satan to lie with his sister would bring about the end of the world. But he couldn't say no to a chick with specs, and this was the central mystery of his life.

The day of the robbery, Sylvia felt something amiss... As she and her partners yelled and waved their guns, she saw a curly-haired man out of the corner of her eye, still standing in his stall... and yet her mind was elsewhere.

As for Jimmy the driver, well, nobody knew that much about him...

Hope this helps....

Malcolm

26 August, 2004
by Dog

The previous notice is to inform you that Rise of the Snowman 7 is now online. It's spectacular, and even features a cameo from me, though I daresay, I don't remember very much about the conversation.

Also, dear sweet Malcolm is trying to earn a free ipod. I assumed it was baloney myself, until I realized that you go through so many promotional offers getting to the one you actually want to do that the advertising revenues simply have to cover their overhead. Not to mention, like a music club, they count on the inherent laziness of people who forget to do their part of the deal. But apparently it's real. If you're curious/dubious, read this article in Wired News, or this article in JayBees, where JB breaks down how it actually works. And then be a doll and click on Malcolm's Referral Link, so he gets some play.

26 August, 2004by Bonhomme

I got me a job. I the snowman. Gonna fund me a war, uh huh.

25 August, 2004
by Bonhomme

Dear Younglings,

I've heard a terrible song recently which suggests that you
don't need any water. You need lots of water, at all stages
of life. Drink lots of water. Tap water, not bottled. And
read my side of the
story, children. I think you'll be convinced.

11 August, 2004
by DWHH

I have found it! The most violent children's book of all
time! I didn't think it was out there, but sure enough. I
don't think it's in print anymore, but the Tin Tan Tales is
without a doubt the most inappropriate children's book I've
ever seen, and I've found for you a webpage
with most
of the pages scanned in. T'is a shame, they don't make 'em
like they used to.

Well, things have been fun the last few months. Stevie has
been in Summer School, Malcolm has been off studying film,
and Matt has been in Mexico. So I've had the New York office
to myself, and boy what a time I've had. I come in to work
at noon, and sip my coffee while I watch the traffic go by.
Then occasionally I answer the phone. Yep. That's about it.
I love being on a hiatus. See, my current flame, Chiandra,
is REALLY getting up in my grill about lazing around the apartment,
so I retreat to the office and pretend I'm accomplishing something.
But the fact is, I'm useless without Matt, Malcolm and Stevie.
Come back to me, my children....

Oh, and Neel? Neel's dead. He died in a freak nude-parasailing
accident in the Caspian Sea. Say a prayer for him, will you?

20 July, 2004
by Bonhomme de Neige

O my darlings,

Such wonders and tragedies have befallen us since this web-site
was last up-dated. It began in early May. I arrived on the
fifth to find Matt, Neel and Stevie lying on the floor of
the publications center "War Room," unmoving, amid destruction
and squalor that defies my powers of description. Someone
had apparently taken an ax and a flamethrower to the place
and strangled them all when they emerged to investigate! But
the three comatose men--just boys, really; really they're
just boys--breathed warm against my frozen hand, so I knew
they were at least alive. I heard an engine starting and tires
screeching outside, and saw Malcolm riding away in the backseat
of a hideous gray car, a stone-faced man in black at the wheel.
Malcolm was laughing. We'd been taken by the enemy. I dragged
the boys outside and set fire to the place for the insurance
money. Lovely surfer, that is when the trouble started. The
boys, you see, roused rather quickly with the heat, pissing
and puking all over the fortunately verdant parking lot. When
they realized what was about, they screeched like Deathfox
himself had possessed their puny brains, and demanded an explanation,
throwing bottles as they did so. I told them about my insurance
plan, and the horrors inside. They tried to eat me alive!
It was only once I'd gone into hiding that I realized the
boys had gotten drunk and wrecked our offices with Deathfox
and probably the Dog, "blowing off steam" from examinations.
Yes. Well. That hardly seems an appropriate way to behave
after so much hard work well done, but at any rate, I have
been writing like a madman in my seclusion, while, I notice,
the boys have gotten nothing done at all with the chronicles
of our hairy friends, not even updating the web-site to tell
us, their only sunshine, why they have been so derelict. They
have now sent me an invitation to a Forgiveness Party, strictly
black-tie, which sounds like the kind of trap I'd set if I
wanted to murder someone with my friends. But if all goes
well, you may start seeing my works posted on the site in
rapid succession, though you won't see any cartoons for a
while, because those American reprobate asses have surely
done no work whatever; I know them. So wish me luck, my children:
best of all possible worlds, my work will inspire them to
get cranking again, to use the vernacular. Worst case scenario,
I won't escape with my life, so bon swar, my only loves.

MdBdN

4 May, 2004
by DWHH

Well, Malcolm's about to head off for a busy summer, so he
cranked out a cartoon because he loves you. It's on the cartoons
page. It's about a murderous helicopter pilot, and he calls
it Hellicopter. Hope you enjoy it.

3 May, 2004
by Malcolm

Greetings all, there is a delightful new cartoon by Matt
called Elevator. You may find it on the cartoons page. It's
based on an analogy that Matt's religion prof gave about abortion,
regarding an ever-expanding fat man in an elevator. Ask yourself
this question, Kyle.

2 May, 2004
by Malcolm

UPDATE: Neel is ALIVE!

Though he doesn't have any real toons for you, he
has an animation he made for his friend's production company,
Seven Zomburai Productions. You know, they're samurai, but
also zombies. So they fear not pain, only fire and losing...
well, ALL their limbs. But anything less is just a day at
the office. It's on the toons page. Hope you enjoy it.

27 April, 2004
by David

Sup Foolios, it's me, David. You can call me D-Town or Diggity
or even David. Although sadly D-Town Diggity Dawg was popular
in High School - no lie. I'm new to the scene here, but I
have a couple of cartoons up on this site you definitely need
to check out. (!!!!) They're called Monster and Balloon Dog.
Balloon Dog got posted today, so if you're in the mood to
be terrified, I recommend watching it. And Dudes, guess what
happened today!! In my Spanish AT session at 4 o'clock, we
walk in and BOOM!! Like an exploding blimp, there was a fresh,
pink Pinata for us!! Our AT told us we had to beat it at some
point, and that class was dismissed! Period End of Story.
She was cool. She will be missed by me.

I hate to end it on a glum note, so ... Marshmallow Paste!!
Well, I really hope you enjoy the cartoons. Peace out, Flava
Flas.

21 April, 2004
by Malcolm

Well, the horrible programming assignment is behind me forever.
I thought I'd customize my Blackjack game just a touch. Take
a look and tell me what you think.

20 April, 2004
by Bonhomme de Neige

Your excellencies, it is I, the good man of snow! I am feeling
a little sad today, so please go read of my triumph in Rise
of the Snowman Part 4: Murther! It is the conclusion to the
Love Is a Mystery duology, and I'll give away the resolution
to the cliffhanger in some future blogge, because part 5 is
already underway and looking fantastic. That's because the
life of a snowman is lonely and cold, like a real writer's.

I think I'll go wake up Stevie with a freezing keg of ice
water, like they do to victorious coaches in the moving pictures
about Sport..

18 April, 2004
by Bonhomme de Neige

Friends! Neighbors! Countrymen! And Americans! The newest
Rise of the Snowman is here for you to come to terms with!
I, le Bonhomme de Neige, guarantee it awesome! We've done
a lot of classic genre stories on my beloved series: martial-arts
buddy comedy, science-fiction love story, and now: war mystery!
Oh, there's no war? Well stay tuned, man monsters, because
it's a double feature! And I play the world's greatest detective
and greatest soldier, the real Bonhomme de Neige! I love you!

18 April, 2004
by Matt

I figured the very least I could do during this stressful
time is make a new background for the site. Malcolm's plaid
was eye-tantalizingly lumberjackian, so I decided to go ahead
and take it to the limit with polkadots. I hope your eyes
hate me now.

18 April, 2004
by Malcolm

Hey gang, an update for you. We've got two new cartoons,
Stick Figure Dance Theater by Andrew and Monster by David.
David, by the by, is our newest staff member. These are both
gifs in the old mode, that hearken back to our days in the
hallowed halls of boarding school. Ah, memories. Oh god, no!
God, dear god, stay back, memories! Auuughhh, they're eating
my flesh! Bad memories, nooooooo!

On that subject, have you ever had a leech on you before?
Happened to me last year... it stings, dude... any time you
see a movie where the character suddenly "notices"
he has a leech on him (read: his penis), that's a bald-faced
lie. Believe me, if you have a leech on the back of your hand,
as I did, you will know within a second and a half.

Yeah... soo... I caught a few minutes of an old SNL episode
from 1986 (I knew because Robert Downey Jr. was in the cast),
and Weekend Update just creeped me out. Dennis Miller was
playing a newsman of questionable aptitude, and A. Whitney
Brown was talking about the situation in Haiti and a war in
Iraq. The only way I could tell I wasn't trapped in some dastardly
cosmic time-loop was that the host, Jay Leno, was actually
funny.

So I didn't get to see Kill Bill this weekend, but I plan
to very soon. FatMan (my roomate and I refer to Ebert &
Roeper as Fat Man and Little Boy), who praised the over-the-topness
of the first one, said this installment is even better, because
it actually has a story. I can't wait.

Otherwise things in Malcolmland are good. I've been getting
my daily stressercise this month, so I've taken care of most
of that winter insulation I put on. I've been on this huge
Glenn Gould kick lately (which is a new one... I have the
perrenial jazz phase but rarely a classical phase), and he
was really, really good. And the rumors your hear are
true, he hums while he plays, and it's really, really annoying.
But what the hell, he's a genius. So I don't listen with headphones,
though I tried the other day in the library. Shudder... And
the playing makes up for it. You should see that movie about
him, by the way. Colm Feore (did I mention I'm changing my
name to Colm?) gives an excellent performance, and the approach
to filmmaking is just gr8. Where else would you have documentary
segments, narrative segments, a concert piece taking place
entirely inside the piano, and a Fantasia-style animation
sequence in one movie about the same person? Yeah, it's kinda
like that. Sierra Mist.

New items on the advice column page. We've finally decided
to take the anything-goes approach; if you have a question
that's just of general interest, go ahead and send it, and
we'll consider it an advice item. Can't wait to hear from
you.

Also, in honor of the day in 1956 when Sean Connery sliced
a grapefruit in half using only his piercing gaze, our webpage
background for the week will be the Scottish tartan you occasionally
see him wearing for dress functions, like when he's being
knighted or throwing out the opening googly. Sure, Scottish
tartans were never the best for 3-color layout, but it looks
cool for now. So deal, punchy.

14 April, 2004
5:57 p.m.
by Matt

Seeing as Malcolm and the Dog with HUMAN HANDS have both
been remiss as of
late, I figure I should give an update to our loyal fans out
there (ha). As you may
well guess, the end of the semester is quite full of papers,
tests, and finals, all
aimed directly at our brains (curses). Combine this with the
fact that my computer
is being repaired (double curses) and thus you find us with
no new cartoons. But
have no fear, when my computer is fixed, I will surely find
time to procrastinate
with my good friend, Flash MX. And hey, maybe Deathfox will
give us an update as to
his whereabouts. But for now, how about submitting something
for the advice column?
We'd like some serious (...) questions for our answering pleasure.
And keep
reading your poetry, as Malcolm may decide to do something
else wacky and
college-esque.

Until next time,

Matt

14 April, 2004
5:56 p.m.
by Dog With HUMAN HANDS

Greetings everyone. Matt is publishing a Mattblog criticizing
me of not updating enough, so I thought I'd beat him to the
punch. Sadly, we have no new flashes for you, but there are
exciting updates around the corner. There will be a cartoon
or series of cartoons from our newest staffer, David, that
will rock your bones to ash. We have new installments of the
very popular Bonhomme de Neige Rise of the Snowman
series of essays, and they are just getting better every time.
For now, why don't you settle for the (almost) entire series
of the Smiley Man Death Theater, by Unknown, which
we recently unearthed. If you are the author of these cartoons,
and have a problem with us displaying them, please let us
know. You man find them on the toons page.

Also, here's a fun link for you. I'll add it to the lynx
page. It's a series of drawings from the govt-sponsored LSD
tests in the 50's, also known as the electric kool-aid acid
tests. Pretty wild. Check
it out.