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Saturday, May 02, 2015

His profession apparently means that he believes in the 'rigorous scrutiny of information'.

So far, so good. We look forward to a level of perspicacity so often lacking in our would-be politicians.

'I know that the other parties are untrustworthy and have lost touch with people,' writes the aspiring MP, no doubt on the basis of extensive scientific research. 'I understand that over-population produced mainly by excessive EU migration is the underlying cause of increasing pressure on our housing, NHS, education, elderly provision and all other social services.'

The underlying cause?

So science has proved that our housing crisis is the result of immigration?

It couldn't possibly have anything at all to do with the fact we haven't built any houses, could it? Or that prices have been rocketing because of speculation and investment from around the world? Or that many people buy properties and then leave them empty?

And science has ruled out the possibility that everyone is living longer, in favour of the much more plausible hypothesis that young people from Romania and Poland are dressing up as pensioners and claiming they need round-the-clock care?

There's no doubt that Barry needs to have a chat with D D Wedgwood, another colourful local candidate, who also believes in science.

'The single minute double spiral genome,' Wedgwood writes, 'contained all the information to design and construct the people who are you and I. And it's a cunning little genome. It constructed your almond shaped amygdala. This sits in the middle of your brain, monitoring your every thought and instructing your pituitary and adrenal glands to inject their cocktail of opiates into your bloodstream...'

If you're wondering where this is leading, Wedgwood maintains that this 'simple biology' allows us to 'redefine morality and ethics and eliminate the morality muddle which philosophers and politicians interminably debate'.

His conclusion? Our society has progressed to what it is today, only because our 'forebears justly used imprisonment, flogging, crucifying and hanging, etc. to reduce the genetic survival chances of those who displayed *Unethical* tendencies'.

(The upper case is D D's. For *Emphasis*.)

He encourages me to Google the name of his 'Magna Carta Party'. When I do, I discover the page - hosted by easily.co.uk - has mysteriously been suspended. He might claim that this is a breach of his human rights, were it not for the fact that he has described human rights as a 'corrupting and depraved conspiracy' earlier in the leaflet.

A glossy magazine has arrived on the doorstep of Woodford Towers. Strangely, it's not the one that appears every month with ads for all the private prep schools and multi-million pound properties. This one is produced by Mabel Gray on behalf of a company called Jack Brunsdon & Son, which has been installing windows and doors for half a century.

As you can imagine, the editors confirm that it has been 'fun bringing this magazine together' and a quick glance at the contents page explains why.

Page 10: 'We replaced our PVC windows with timber ones...'

Page 13: Which paint finish will you choose?

Page 14: Focus on the new greys - today's popular shades

It's clear that I need to set a weekend aside for this. I'll file it between GQ and Take a Break.