The 10 People You’ll See On State Patty’s Day

There are always some indescribable characters roaming around downtown State College, especially on days like State Patty’s Day. Here’s a list of my personal favorites.

1. The overly excited freshman who never made it out of East.

They spent $70 on State Patty’s Day T-Shirts, beads, beer glasses, pins, etc. State Patty’s Day has been a wonderful myth ever since they first stepped foot on Penn State’s campus. This is their year, all grown up and ready to go HARD like Penn Staters do. But after three water bottles filled with the Vladdy and Lemonade mix their older brother bought for them, they are already passed out of their bed drooling all over their Jack Daniels style State Patties T-Shirt.

2. The wasted girl wearing a green pinnie, high socks and 12,498,712,974,249,472.67 beads.

“Kiss me, I’m Irish” is plastered across the front of this girl’s pinnie when in fact she looks like the biggest guidette to hit State College. She usually can be found huddle in a group being so obnoxious you can’t decipher anything but “Like, oooooooooohh my gosh I am sooooooo WASTED!” The amount of beads around her neck makes you wonder what exactly she did to get all of them…

3. The high school kid who thinks shotgunning a beer is the greatest thing to ever happen to him.

His older brother goes to school here so he thought he’d check it out. Can usually be found in the bathroom promptly after said beer puking his guts out while still basking in the glory of his accomplishment.

4. The alumni who can’t handle his liquor anymore.

He/she was in your club/fraternity/sorority/whatever and although they have a job in the real world they can’t seem to get over the fact that they peaked in college. State Patty’s Day gives them one more chance to relive their glory days, but after a few of the Jaeger bombs that they loved so dearly during their college years, they are already waaaaaay beyond gone and will have the worst hangover of their life when the morning rolls around.

5. The Commonwealth kid who pretends to go to University Park.

This person lived down the hall from you when you went to Behrend/Altoona/Mont Alto and was supposed to come to University Park with you, but changed their major to Biology so they decided not to leave the comfortable curriculum at their Commonwealth Campus. State Patty’s Day comes around and all of a sudden they need a place to stay and are ALL about State College. You see pictures on Facebook afterwards of them trying to convince their friends they actually go here, when in reality they were passed out by noon. Now they are all upset they didn’t have the cojones to come up here to begin with.

6. The Overly Protective Townie.

They actively put posts on Facebook and Twitter asking their friends NOT to let anyone stay up here. They scold you for having 17 people staying in your dorm room and report anyone they see drinking. They let their friends come up and assumed everything would be okay but the more they asked their friends to be respectful the more puke stains ended up on their apartment floor. Basically, “Get off my lawn!”

7. Your Bloomsburg/Temple/Kutztown/Millerville friend who is passed out by 4 p.m.

You have seen statuses for weeks about how they are coming to Penn State to “show Penn State what a real party is!” When you tell them the jungle juice is a little strong they roll their eyes and fill up their red solo cup. Three cups later they are drooling all over your couch with a classic penis drawn on their forehead. In the morning they find a picture of themselves on Facebook with the caption “I remember my first time at Penn State….”

8. The 26 year old friend of a friend of a friend from Jersey who never actually went to college.

He works at the local diner back home and hangs out with kids who are still in high school. Your buddy grew up with him so he invited him up. You kind of feel like you need to take a shower after just standing around him. All he seems interested in is wearing as much Penn State apparel as he can to blend in and finding as much freshman jailbait as possible.

9. Your friend from high school who you haven’t talked to for two years who needs a place to crash.

This person sat next to you in chemistry for a semester. You had a mutual interest in The Office and conversation was pretty much limited to only that. Now you get a Facebook message that starts off with “Hey Chem Buddy!!!!” and after multiple terrible attempts at using “The Office” references to be funny, they ask if they can crash at your place this weekend. You simply respond with “Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.”

This kid is sitting on his Fraternity’s lawn pulling Natty Light out of his bullet and bear-proof Yeti cooler wondering why the hell everyone is making such a big deal about State Patty’s Day. He drinks twice as much as GDIs will on State Patties every weekend, anyway.

Is there anyone I missed that you think about be included? Let me know!

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Penn State’s Interfraternity Council wants to make a statement State Patty’s Day, claiming that none of its chapters registered for a social during Happy Valley’s unofficial drinking holiday this weekend. “We commend the maturity and leadership that they displayed with their collective decision,” IFC released on the absence of socials State Patty’s Day. “We fully […]