There are lots of reasons why I've never been to Glastonbury. I'm not mad about camping; I don't like crowds; and, perhaps most pertinently, I don't like things I'm supposed to like. None of which has changed. But, for some reason - I can't say why - this year I've decided to pop my Glastonbury cherry.

With just days to go, I realise that I haven't got a clue how to do it. I've only ever been to one festival before. It was six years ago, there were only a few thousand people there and I stayed at a friend's house nearby, which I'm pretty sure doesn't count.

There are a few things even I know to do. I've bought some wellies - ridiculous Marc Jacobs wellies in purple and royal blue that you couldn't wear anywhere else except a festival. And a hat, of course.

What I'd like is some advice. I know what bands I want to see, but what else shouldn't I miss and what should I give a wide berth. Which is the best field to camp in? Which is the worst? Where's the best food? How do I make sure my first Glastonbury isn't also my last?