Live joyfully.

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::yawns:: [Later: This entry gets introspective at the end. I appreciate all your comments and love, but please don’t feel compelled to respond. Sometimes I just write to get it all out.]

Yesterday, we had a quiz in RP. Ms. Comerford had only really hinted at it, but I knew the stuff anyway, so it was painless. I even remembered how to calculate relative frequency. I find that my memory is getting a little better lately. I’m remembering stuff from Lord of the Flies, things from Adkins’s lectures, random things….

Speaking of, we had a question in It’s Ac yesterday that I answered solely based on my Adkins knowledge, about the Strait of Gibraltar. (It’s at the very tip of Spain, near Morocco, but it belongs to England and has for a few hundred years. Apparently it was a concession within the Treaty of Paris after the Revolutionary War.) See? I must say, if a better memory is the result of hours upon hours of AP US History work, so be it. I just hope it lasts.

I drove home yesterday. No major incidents. Not that I would tell anyone if there were, because I’m too insecure like that. I squeezed in homework around dinner, 7th Heaven, and Everwood. I know, bad girl, putting tv before schoolwork. But they were to season premieres, and I am still addicted to tv, and I still got all my work done and was in bed just before midnight, so there. The episodes were good, too. Usually you get the best episodes at the beginning and end of the seasons. (When did “Hush” air on Buffy, I wonder?)

I got to bed late, mostly because I was talking to Greg and it’s always hard to end our conversations (I want to hang up, but then I don’t want to), so I was up for a while longer.

This morning, I was tired. Really tired. I could have used a nap today, but I took advantage of extra time (no It’s Ac) to do homework and study for my second Adkins test tomorrow. School was fine. Mr. Witko is back to being relentless about doing things his way, RP was semi-productive, and I killed another LotF worksheet during lunchtime. As long as I have it done before class, it shouldn’t matter when I do it.

I took a quick break from studying this evening to calculate my Adkins grade; I came up with 87. Not bad. Not what I want, but still good, and the quarter’s not over yet. The bad thing is, if I don’t get that coveted shiny Adkins A, I’ll get two B’s. (In the AP scheme of things, one B and one B and a half.) It may sound ridiculously stuck-up and nerdy to say it, but I don’t want that. I’ve only ever had two B’s, in geometry freshman year. They didn’t make me cry, but they hurt.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not working hard enough. Or that I’m working as hard as I can, as hard as I’ll let myself, and it’s not good enough. I remember someone blogging that she would never really try her best, because if she did and still failed, it would mean her best wasn’t good enough. I fear now that I’ve done that. Researching colleges has made me feel like I’m not good enough, that I won’t make it. I know I’ll have to fend for myself, and I’m prepared to deal with that (I think). I remember hearing horror stories, though, of people who had it all: sports, test scores, grades, talent, strong essays; but couldn’t even get accepted. That scares me so much. Even when I feel like I won’t apply to a college at all, I read through the application they send. I peruse the questions, wondering how I’d answer them (or how I will answer them). That exacerbates the anxiety. That kind of rejection would tear me apart. I just wouldn’t be able to take it.

I have to give it a chance, though. To continue to work hard, but not too hard. To quit lying around the house, to get out and do something. I want to make something of my life. I want to have ambition. I want colleges to see that, to welcome me, and to nurture me. I want it all so badly, but I don’t know if I really deserve it.

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