Survivor Recap: 2/29 One World Is Out The Window

So, I go to a lot of concerts but last night I went to what probably was my first every country music show. Rodney Atkins. Not sure if I am on board with the country music scene just yet but what I am on board with is chicks in cowboy boots and short shorts. Chelsea… I see what you’re doing here and I like it. I didn’t fully understand it before tonight but now I think I do. Chels, the ring is in the mail.

Anyways, I didn’t get to watch Survivor until I got home late last night, so here’s my tipsy viewed impression of last nights episode.

As always, the show starts in Navy Seal night vision view. When the women get back to camp from Tribal Council, they know they suck. There is a huge storm and the women get friggin’ soaked. In the morning they act like they are shocked that the rain came through. What did they expect? This is a weak ass shelter made of reeds, not a brick house with a roof. Besides ample Chelsea tight shirt time, all this segment did was make me feel bad for the girls. They truly seem clueless and helpless without the men.

The next morning, after the storm, the women wake up with no fire… shocker! Somehow the men managed to keep their fire going through the rain and the women come groveling for an ember. This season could completely be about how bad the women are at keeping a fire burning. What else do they have to do? “Whoops, got caught up at the grocery store and didn’t make it back in time to keep the fire lit?” No. How hard is this? (Sorry… That’s what she said)

Let’s not forget that this is a game. These are two separate tribes here. This is not someone in your own tribe eating too much food or not pulling their own weight around camp, this is the enemy. There is no sport or game where when you get a turnover, you pass the ball back to the other team. (except maybe soccer) Why now are the men helping the girls at all? Beat it sister.

The reward challenge is a memory test, which keeping in men versus women is pretty evenly matched. Probst opens a puppet show curtain revealing six to eight items and they have to recreate what they saw. The winning team gets some fishing gear and a boat. The women absolutely smoke the men five to zip.

This boat couldn’t be more useless to the women. They may as well have won a Porsche Boxster to ride around the beach in. They could at least use the Boxster to keep dry. Thus far the ladies are 100% inept at doing anything for themselves and besides, if they actually do catch any fish, how are they going to cook them? They can’t keep a fire lit for two hours straight. The girls do finally take the boat out and they catch three tiny fish. CBS makes it look like they caught Free Willy but we know better.

Another huge storm is approaching and we see the men maxin’ in their three-story castle shelter, dry under their tarp. Shockingly, after the storm the women come back groveling AGAIN for fire. When the girls are there taking from the guys, the men propose letting them have fire in exchange for use of the boat. Brad Culpepper’s arm piece says that she can’t approve that. I don’t know what kind of Cracker Jack operation these girls are running but this sounds like a total no brainer to me. Why don’t they continue taking from the guys and allow the men to roll out in the boat. Then tell them that half the fish they catch are theirs. Done and done.

Nope, instead while the girls are hanging out in the men’s shelter, warming up and staying dry, Chialicia talks some smack and says that she doesn’t think the guys deals are fair. What was the deal they struck to let them come hang out in their shelter? Looks to me like the girls are smiling and wearing short shorts. Sorry Toots, see ya. To be fair, if Chelsea asked me to sleep in the rain so she could stay dry, I would strip down naked and fashion some sort of personal one woman tent to keep her dry and happy. “What? You’re hungry? Here, let me cut off my hand for you to eat.”

For the immunity challenge Probst shows up wearing a black shirt? The challenge is a blind folded obstacle course with one caller on each team guiding six tribe members to retrieve bags with puzzle pieces. When they get the puzzle pieces, inexplicably a slapstick bucket of water drops on their head. What was this for? Then after all the pieces are retrieved the callers do a puzzle.

(Sidetrack: Before the challenge Probst always evens out the tribes. Why do they do this? I don’t get why the challenges need to be even. The rest of the game isn’t even? They don’t even the tribes when they merge. If you lose, you should just be penalized and be a person down. There would have been no advantage for the men to go 7 vs 9 in this challenge as opposed to 7 vs 7.)

The callers are Bill for the guys and Sabs for the girls. Bill gets the guys out to a HUGE lead, getting all five of their bags back before the girls even have their second. It looks like a foregone conclusion the men will win but somehow Bill chokes on what looked to be a simple puzzle and the ladies come back and win. The irony being that Bill is the one that created the huge lead by being a great caller but is also the one that lost the lead by not being able to do a children’s puzzle.

The men are panicking with the impending Tribal Council and Sea Foam is orchestrating the vote? What? Who is listening to this guy? The mens tribe is split five versus four. The five outcast Average Joes (Troyzan, Tarzan, Sea Foam, Sushi Chef and Lief) against the Fab Ab Four (Matt, Mike, Bill and Jay).

While the Average Joes are discussing who to vote out Jay walks in on them and Tarzan tells him he’s safe. Then Matt walks up and asks if he is interrupting them. Tarzan point-blank says “Yes, you kind of are.” Matt casually walks away saying he didn’t want to interrupt. Now, if I was Matt, this would be the exact moment that I would go into freakin panic mode.

Matt went to Troyzan and made a small pitch to stay, some shit about chickens versus roosters, but it was nowhere near the panic mode he should have been in. It just made Matt look power-hungry. Now would have been the time to emphasize that they have been kicking ass all along and they had a small hiccup today. Now is not the time to weaken the tribe. They lost once because Bill choked. Stay the course boys!

At Tribal Council, Sea Foam blurts out that he has the unhidden immunity idol and the worst game in Survivor history continues. Why bring this up at all when they are obviously going with either Bill or Matt? Sea Foam then continues with his master plan announcing that after the merge he is not interested in continuing with the men. Which should work good since the women don’t like him either. He must not have seen how well things worked for Cochran with that same move last year. When you make the flip solo, you are the bottom of the barrel.

The vote is obviously between Matt and Bill. Matt may be rough but here is here to play. Bill… well Bill is undoubtedly high on something. I don’t know what but he for sure burnt something? The kiss of death was me predicting Matt to win. I couldn’t have been more wrong on this one. Matt gets voted out unanimously. Sorry brotha.

Next week the men argue, which leads me to believe that CBS is trying to throw off the scent and the girls go back to their losing ways. Which will thankfully mean more air time for Chelsea in tight shirts, Kim’s sculpted abs and Monica’s perfect…. arms .

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1 responses to “Survivor Recap: 2/29 One World Is Out The Window”

great chipservations. i too was amazed at the nerve of the broads as they huddled under the enemy’s shelter. definitely the sense of entitlement that even borderline hot chicks become accustomed to.

favorite recap moment: “To be fair, if Chelsea asked me to sleep in the rain so she could stay dry, I would strip down naked and fashion some sort of personal one woman tent to keep her dry and happy.”