This site is dedicated to my spiritual and physical journey before and after the death of my husband and the father of my son from cancer. It is about grieving, loving, understanding and sharing, and living in the connection while accepting the physical separation that passing on brings. It is also about moving forward in your life from whatever challenges life hands you and living the life that is wanted for you from above.

Month: June 2015

I love higher thinking. Higher thinking is not expansive as one might think. Higher thinking is focus. And the highest thoughts are those of pureness and simplicity in truth. They require the least amount of words or definition. The reasoning behind all simple truths is love. And love through grace is of infinite abundance and without blocks or reservations. Without judgement or bias. I agree with this statement with all my heart.

Grace is the free and benevolent favor of God.

Thank you Jordon, for showing us your grace.

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Whew! Man, that last journal was a doozie! Glad to have that out of the way and looking onward. The brightness has returned this week and my son and I have so much to look forward to. It is summer. Summer is energizing. Just the extended daylight hours alone are a nice touch. I keep saying that I am going to finish my book. I keep saying so much of what I am going to do. And yet I am not there yet. My son and I have been on the move this past year and we are truly settling in to our new lives now. So much is before us and so much is behind us. And we are ready.

This weekend I decided I am going to start a new blog in conjunction to this one. My current blog is dedicated to higher-level thoughts, emotions, perspectives, learning, connectivity, and most important Spirit and spirituality through the process of grief. I write when I have a vision about something or if something moves me greatly. After Jordon first passed away the journals were coming at lightening speed and with great clarity. I was in the epicenter of grief and loss and the idea of writing helped me through. In one year, approximately 30,000 people have read this blog according to WordPress. According to FaceBook accounts it has been exposed to 3 million people with 60,000 readers from all over the world. I don’t know who to believe, but what I care about is that it reaches those that are suffering and hopefully through sharing we can all heal. This blog this week just celebrated its one year mark. It’s time to do some branching out. I still have visions, analogy thinking, and moments of automatic writing where I know I am being helped from above. But all the earthy matters have been in my face for months now and I have felt somewhat disconnected from this beautiful energy. This will change, I am sure. But in the meantime, I am going to start soon what I need to write about now and the last journal spurred me to think about this. I want to write about the daily life issues of wading through grief. Relationships, financial matters, dating, alone time, raising a child as a solo parent. So much I can share. So much has changed in my life. I am a part of “closed to members only” spousal grief groups on Facebook. I realized after months of reading and responding, that many of the decisions I made and many of the issues I faced were universal among people in my situation. And we are all out there sharing so that we know we are not alone in our struggles. And it’s often times the nuances of events that hit us the hardest. Grocery shopping is one for example. It is a normal event for everyone. All of us have to cook and eat. But you throw in the loss of a significant other and you go there for the first time after they pass away and you get hit with a ton of bricks!!!! It’s those things we don’t think about that I want to write about. What that feels like. And how I got through it. Believe me, it wasn’t easy. I wrote about it already, but not from a practical, earthly perspective. The journal was called, “Grocery store shopping with my friend.” I will never forget the feeling.

So with that, I will end the rambling this fine Tuesday morning and leave you with a good note.

Cheers, all!

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For the second day in a row a journal of mine called “Mind Stumbling”, after comments were posted, has had over 100 visits. I am going to state my position on these comments moving forward. A person in my late husband’s immediate family used a fake name and created an email address to post a vicious little message to me this week in response to this journal that was written weeks after my husband passed away. This person I have not communicated with for about a year now so the comments coming after a year in my opinion are unprovoked. This person has stated that the pain I am causing is immeasurable. That I rejected family after my husband’s death. If you are going to go on a pubic domain and state this using a fake name then it deserves a clear and direct response not under the guise of sideways communication. I will not walk away from this. I will openly respond back because you used my website and my name.

I am not responsible for your pain. I am also not responsible for your happiness. You yourself must come to terms with your behaviour, actions, and your grief. We are all accountable for our own decisions and choices. Your actions over the years, during my husband’s illness, and after my husband’s death were an overwhelming reason for me to lay an unhealthy relationship down. I am going through pain and healing and moving forward and I have chosen to do this without communication with you for healthy, positive reasons. It is my choice and I have a right to choose that. Your choice to “cyber bully” me will be on display so the choice is yours and your significant other as to whether or not you both want to continue. The number one way to demotivate darkness is to bring in the light.

Forgiveness and peace can come from both sides. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean restored relationships, it can mean this: through acceptance of what has transpired, forgiveness for the human condition, and asking for peace we can find happiness. Sometimes people are put in our path for learning and when that lesson is learned, we can accept, forgive, and move onward with gratitude for the experience and wisdom. This is how I view us. I am going to say an open prayer from an ancient Hawaiian custom that is sacred. It calls forth Divinity to ask for healing among souls. I am going to do this publicly because I want to state that these situations are a very common occurrence when someone dies in a family. Families fall apart often times and the pain stretches out sometimes for generations. My prayer is for myself, for you, and this family and all those out there that are hurting over grief and loss.

So, Adam_kw@yahoo.ca, aka Whois.arin, aka R. Jected this is for us, for family, and for everyone.

HO’OPONOPONO

Divine Creator,
Father, Mother, and Son as ONE:

If I, my family, relatives and ancestors have offended you, your family, relatives and ancestors in thoughts, deeds and actions from the beginning of our creation to the present,
We ask your forgiveness.
Let this cleanse, purify, release, and cut all negative memories, blocks, energies and vibrations and transmute these unwanted energies to pure light.
And it is done.

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You have found your footing on this rope. It is what you have been given to stand on. The rope is harsh against your feet and it doesn’t feel good. But the rope is sturdy and it fits your feet. God planned it this way~ he wouldn’t give you a rope that was impossible to walk on. You are looking out ahead of you to see the big picture of your life. On each side of the rope lies a different view. Your job is to navigate this rope, to reach the other side. You’ve been given a balancing stick to help you balance your steps as you are moving forward. The stick is your guide, your conscience, you faith. When you lean too far right, the stick dips to the left helping you to balance as you move above the abyss below you. You are ready and you take your first step in this new life of yours.

The vast spaces to your left and your right are the expectations you put on yourself and of the expectations that others have of you. You are being watched. You are conscious of your new life and the other side’s expectations of you and how they see this situation you are in high up on this tightrope. Both, through this process of grief and loss, will pull at you and bring you off balance. Expectations, outside of simple, fundamental truths, are external and internal forces of energy that rely on a future value that doesn’t exist. How can you or anyone have an expectation of how to feel, how to act, how to grieve. When we focus on these influential spaces we pull our eyes, mind, and feet away to give energy to a space of expectation. This space will disrupt you and pull you left or right and away from your center, your true self. Too much focus on either side and you will fall. The tightrope is your gift from God. Your stick is the conscience mind he gave you to balance. Your feet keep you in the physical. Your eyes are the communicators and connectors to your body to help you focus on the big picture. Look up and out and you will find your truth. Look down and you will lose it.

As you are walking this tightrope, you will come across negative energies of expectation both from others and from yourself. Outward remarks from others will say things to you to make you second-guess your steps. Your ear will hear them and your body will intrinsically bend in that direction pulling you out of balance. You might second-guess your decisions, as you don’t have that living, breathing soul next to you anymore helping you navigate. Two trusting souls leaning on each other find a more steady balance and you are now without that other half. You must learn to steady yourself as you are on your own now and your decisions are yours. Be careful as you can pull yourself over from insecurity and doubt and loose your footing on the rope.

This is life. This is the test, this tightrope. The key to walking the tightrope is inner balance, courage, forward focus, and movement towards what you feel is good and right for you without the interference from outside energy. As you practice this centered focus you will gain strength and balance. You will become more assured of your space, your footsteps, and your mind. Your faith will grow and you will move with grace and sure-footedness on this tightrope. You will block out the negativity and the balance-altering pull of opinion and diversion. You will be able to see it for what it is. You will see the concern, the doubt, the good and bad intentions from others, and personal views that do not serve you. Above you is the Light shining down on you to guide the way. Follow this Light as it beams into your heart exposing the truth that you are good and deserving and whole. It will pull you forwards helping to balance you and settle you. It will soothe your feet so you don’t feel the harshness of the rope. We are not given the view of the end of the rope for the light shines too brightly and it is not ours to know. But when we do reach the end, we ourselves will become the light we have followed and join in the connection and the only pull we will feel is LOVE.

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Holly C Barker

My name is Holly Barker and I am the founder of Grief Anonymous, a support organization for grief and loss. I am also the founder of the Grief Resource Network. My husband of 14 years and the father of my son died of Malignant Melanoma skin cancer in 2014. My mission is to write honestly about our journey and to share with those that are going through the loss of a loved one or another challenging experience. I learned through this experience about the process of understanding, accepting what life hands us, and living in the continuum and connectivity to our loved ones that have passed on. If you are stuck and having a difficult time moving forward into the life that is wanted for you from above, follow me on this journey and maybe it will help you, too. Love and Light, Holly