I love avocados, sometimes (read: daily) stand on my head to get my creative juices flowing, and I could listen to The Beatles sing, “I’ve Just Seen A Face” everyday, for the rest of forever.

Wondering what goes on here? Yup, so are the rest of us.

1. I am a lifestyle photographer. I have the most remarkable clients in the world, and I share their images here to inspire us all to live life with greater love, meaning and joy.

2. I am a writer. This blog is full of many of the curious thinks I have thunk.

3. I am a speaker and life/business consultant. I post upcoming speaking engagements and consulting information here as well.

4. I am most fulfilled by my work as a wife and mother to my 4 sons, one of whom now lives in Heaven. I share bits and pieces of our journey here on this blog. Including our ongoing struggle with grief, our experiences with ADHD and SPD, and our solid faith in a God much bigger than the challenges we face.

But ultimately, I hope that this blog is about something much bigger than all of that.My dream is for this blog to be a place where real life comes to be celebrated and enthusiastically embraced. Not just the pretty stuff, with tailored hems, clean lines,and the new colors for spring . . . but everything else, too. The frazzled mornings, broken hearts, crazy dreams, messy kitchens. . . even the fear, failure, hopelessness and devastation. I want this blog to be a place for every bit of what makes us all living, breathing, feeling human beings, experiencing together this remarkable thing called life.

May this be a place of passion, purpose, laughter, tears, friendship, encouragement and inspiration for us all.

In 2010, our perfect *”Baby Gavin” returned to Heaven after losing a courageous battle with **Pertussis (whooping cough). We are eternally and profoundly grateful to the thousands upon thousands (upon thousands) of friends and strangers from all over the world, of all faiths and creeds, who united with our family in prayer during Baby Gavin’s horrific illness and who grieved with us and continued to petition God in our behalf during the dark days following his tragic death. You may read Gavin’s story as it unfolded by visiting my old blog here. I am committed to sharing my ongoing struggles with grief and our journey toward joy here on the new blog. I am always humbled and amazed by the continued outpouring of love and support. Thank you for sharing in our journey and inspiring us with your unceasing love! God is good!

*My brother Gavin passed away unexpectedly in 2007. With all these Angel Gavins, it can get a little confusing at times, so just know that when I refer to “Gavin” I’m referring to my wonderful brother. When I refer to “Baby Gavin,” it is in reference to my perfect son, both of whom I cannot wait to see in Heaven!

**You will periodically see me blog about The Sounds of Pertussis campaign. I am an unpaid spokesperson and am only compensated travel expenses where applicable for my involvement with this important cause. Join our fight against this deadly communicable disease at www.soundsofpertussis.com or like us on facebook at www.facebook.com/soundsofpertussis.

A history.

Let’s start where any good teacher should: empathy, of the deep and genuine variety.

NO ONE hates running as much as I do (did. . . it’s still shocking to say that and mean it). Not a soul on Earth (or Jupiter for that matter). And there isn’t a soul this side of the Milky Way as inherently horrible at it as I am either. This isn’t up for debate. These statements are factual, absolutely so.

Having struggled with severe body image issues and eating/exercise disorders throughout my adolescent years, my inability to run always made me feel weak, embarrassed. . . somehow “less than.” I always assumed that if I were better, stronger, healthier, I’d be able to run. In retrospect, I realize that the physicality of it wasn’t the issue. I’m strong, always have been: muscular build, moderately good shape. . . but no matter my level of physical fitness, the MOMENT I started to run, my heart turned to lead and jumped into my throat and my lungs burst into unquenchable, murderous flames of agony that threatened sudden death.

The problem had to be mental. This realization almost made me feel worse. . . weakER than I already felt. After all, “a weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones” Lord Chesterfield. My “weak mind” made me feel not only like a failure, but like a pathetic one to boot.

I’m tempted to go into a series of stories that illustrate my deep and abiding genetic aversion (read: hatred) of running. . . tales of forged doctor’s notes in middle school all the way up to pretended sprained ankles in my 20′s (for real, my 20′s, how embarrassing of me). But I don’t see the necessity. You already get it, and I’m confident you have a dozen or so stories of your very own.

The limiting belief.

I was simply not built for running.

The turning point.

Then life flipped upside down, got hit by a train, burst into flames and left me for dead . . . covered in the ash of broken dreams and the debris of a shattered heart. There was no where to go. No one to help. I wandered aimlessly along the unmarked paths of a barren wasteland called Grief. . . though “Hell” would be more fitting.

What am I saying? I wasn’t left for dead. I was dead. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. . . I was in fact dead. Dead (wo)man walking. And these feelings (or rather the lack thereof) lasted a very, very long time. Until one day, to put it lightly, I tired of it. I needed to feel, or I WOULD go crazy. Even if what I felt was painful, I deeply believed that any feeling, even pain, was better than the lack thereof.

As luck would have it, my DEAR friend (and life coach of sorts), Angel Naivalu, was organizing a race on the North Shore of Oahu. A half marathon. I registered.

I wanted to feel, and I was just desperate enough that pain would serve as good an emotion as any. Well, what could be more painful than a 13 mile trail run?

Step 1: Commit

I think my knee jerk decision to register for this race was ultimately a make it or break it kind of choice. If you’re truly starting from the couch, I absolutely believe that in order to ensure your success, you’ve got to have a solid, time bound goal in front of you. What could be more fitting than an actual race? If your stomach is in knots at the mere thought of this absurdity, start small. A 5k (appx 3 miles) is a HUGE accomplishment.

Step 2: Accountability

You’ve got to have an unyielding circle of accountability. Blog, Facebook, tweet, whatever it is you do, do it. Do it loud and strong. Lock yourself in to your goal. It made 1,000% of the dfference for me.

Step 3: Plan

My next step was to find a realistic training plan for a beginner like me. After much research, I settled on Hal Higdon’s Novice Program (he has an intermediate and advanced option as well).

The first run of the training program was THREE MILES. I about wet myself. There was NO WAY in HECK I could run 3 consecutive miles. I couldn’t even make it to my mailbox without tasting the looming promise of impending death. I was terrified.

This was IMPOSSIBLE, and I knew it.

So, I did what I always do when I’m up against impossible, I took 3 looooooong, deeeeeeep breaths. The oxygen calmed the storm of self-deprecation just long enough for me to find the clarity to do what I do best: Make a plan. Keep it simple. Work my plan.

I decided that if I were going to survive, necessity dictated that I determine in advance where I would allow myself to rest.

In past, failed attempts at running, I always flew by the seat of my pants and ALWAYS quit when the going got rough. This time, I owned the reality that I’d need periods of rest, and I planned accordingly. I clocked the entire 3 mile course and decided on 4 or 5 different places where I would allow myself to walk.

This process makes it so much easier to keep going, because you’re not making the decision while you’re in the fiery furnace of misery and horror. You’ve already decided, and there’s no negotiation.

Step 4: Previsualize

Now this is where it all gets a little bit hippie. Blame my parents. They did it to me.

As far as reality was concerned, I couldn’t run a block. The thought of even making an attempt at 3 miles threw me into discouragement and despair. I needed to change my thinking.

I vividly remember sitting on the edge of my bed and mentally mapping out my course. I saw myself getting up in the morning, lacing up my running shoes and heading out into the dawn light. I saw myself running the stretches of the course I’d committed to running and walking those I’d predetermined to walk. I included all kinds of details in this meditation, like the temperature at 6am as well as the early morning sounds and smells of La’ie. I mentally completed the course 3 or 4 times before opening my eyes.

Yes, Richie thought I was psychotic. (Rather he pretended to. Ultimately he respects the power of the mind as much as anyone.)

Step 5: take along your team.

Team Natalie was imaginary. As I embarked on that first run (and nearly every subsequent one) I consistently imagined myself running behind a friend or family member who I knew loved and supported me. I know, hippie, don’t say you weren’t forewarned. I would imagine myself literally tethered to my friend Angel, and I would imagine that she was pulling me along behind her. It made me feel less isolated and more capable. . . knowing she was “there” supporting me.

Shut up, this junk works.

Step 6: RESOLVE.

Brian Tracy has a quote that I really love and completely believe of myself. I share this with caution as I would never want to offend anyone. Please, take this with a grain of salt and try to see if just MAYBE there is a piece of you here. If not, you may simply disregard and happily move along with your life.

“The sad fact is that people are poor because they have not yet decided to be rich. People are overweight and unfit because they have not yet decided to be thin and fit. People are inefficient time wasters because they haven’t yet decided to be highly productive in everything they do.”

I jumped in with both feet. I WOULD FINISH THAT FIRST RUN, come Hell or high water!

That first run, at the very last stretch, I was over the top. I was so uncomfortable, so exhausted. I was D.O.N.E, done. I remember the thought popping in to my head “Do you want to quit on life?” And suddenly I was flooded with feeling . . . painful emotion. . . unresolved pain over my brother and my son’s deaths. . . dark, scary emotions. . . hidden beneath layers and layers of denial and fear. Then. . . all these feelings, all this doubt, all this fear, all this intense sorrow and pain was followed by something miraculous.

Resolve.

Suddenly I wasn’t running for any other reason than to SURVIVE. . .to somehow find myself beneath all those layers that equated to who I was pretending to be, and suddenly, the girl underneath it all was worth fighting for!

To conclude.

Over time, I’ve come to learn that for me, running is a near exact reflection of my day to day life. The same desire to quit I experience when I’m coming in from a long, hard run, is the same desire to quit I feel in life in general when the going gets rough.

Pushing through a long, hard run, gives me the courage and mental capacity to step up to my life when necessity dictates. The sense of accomplishment I feel when I complete a hard training session (be it 1 mile or 15) makes me yearn for that same feeling in the day to day activities that make up my life and gives me the courage to go after it, no matter the cost!

I run because somewhere between the sounds of my rhythmic breath and my feet hitting the pavement, my soul is honest and alive. I run because it makes me feel capable and strong.

I run because I found out that I can. . .

And if I can do it, anyone can.

N

PS. For those of you who are wondering, yes, I did complete the first annual Gunstock Trails Half Marathon (3rd to last). And YES, I did burst into tears as I crossed that finish line. There’s no way to explain the feeling, the words are yet to be invented.

I’m not a doctor. Consult with one before beginning this or any other exercise program. In other words, I am not liable if you die. xo.

Darci Laidlaw:
This is fabulous Natalie. I have to admit though, I think I could rival you for being the person who hates (hated, in your case) running most on this planet. I've always been incredibly averse to it, and I never understood why people liked running, or how it could possibly be enjoyable! Lately though, I admit... I feel jealousy of the resolve and the perseverance of my running friends. All those I know who are runners, or who have turned themselves from non-runners into runners seem to be on a general course in life toward success and accomplishment. And, admittedly, I envy their strong, fit bodies too. I've started wondering if I could ever become a runner, and you give me hope. I would love to participate in a Dirty Dash (5k or 10k muddy obstacle course run!) next year, and I've been wondering where to start. Thank you for your very timely inspiration! =) September 28, 2011 8:51 pm

Michelle:
I also HATE running. And, yes, I also pulled the fake ankle sprain injury. In high school, I must have gotten my period 8 times a month, because that's how many times I had "cramps" so I didn't have to run. ha. September 29, 2011 3:20 am

donya:
I simply love this post. My running story is not nearly as dramatic, but I completely agree with all your points above. I hate running, still do, but i love the feeling afterwards. And it's amazing how much our minds can control us. Or empower us! It's all about how you use it. Even if it is using hippy visualizations :P if it works, it works. Everyone just has to find what works for them! Thanks for this post. September 29, 2011 3:47 am

Ryan:
Wonderful post Natalie. I'm actually a lifelong lover of running, but I coach new runners and loved reading about your experience. I'm going to pass this on this week. Congratulations on your half marathon (a trail run no less!). That's a wonderful accomplishment and I'm glad to see that you've stuck with it. September 29, 2011 3:57 am

Tami Nelson:
I love your words Nat...keep running. I can't even move today, but I have to....I just want to sit and not move....not even a single muscle. My mind is paralyzed. My body can't handle my life. Tomorrow will be a new day full of hope, but today I will move as little as necessary!! September 29, 2011 5:00 am

Meg:
I keep remembering a prior post when you posed the question "how did I handle stress and anxiety before running... not very well". I've been forcing myself to go at least 3 days a week since then. I'm up to 3 miles now... it's slowly coming. And I keep going because I really need a better way to handle stress. Thanks for the inspiration. The last race I ran was the aloha run back in 2007... it's time for another. And I love that quote, so not offensive. Thanks again! September 29, 2011 7:28 am

Shelly:
This is amazingly wonderful to me... September 29, 2011 10:36 am

Heidi:
You are awesome. This is fabulous & it is worth all of your hard work (in your shoes and getting it typed up) because you have a spectacular ability to motivate people. Never stop writing (or living for that matter!). September 29, 2011 12:57 pm

Emilie:
Thanks for this post, Nathalie! I can totally relate even if I didn't experiment your terrible loss. I hate running, but I've started to run this year because my boyfriend made me realize I HAVE to take care of my body and my health. I still hate running, I suffer a lot, but I need to go for it. I don't run 15 miles, I sometimes walk but I know I can do it. I wake up every morning and I know can run, it's in me. It's here and I can feel it. I didn't know I was in need to run until I start. Now I know and I can't stop. Thanks for your post! I'm glad to see I'm not alone in this world, struggling while running. September 29, 2011 1:43 pm

erin h.:
thank you for your honesty and for not giving us a stupid... 'run 1 min, walk 5 and build up your endurance- you can do this!' talk. i think you made my heart want this even more. xo September 29, 2011 3:54 pm

StephanyCJ:
thank you so much for sharing this, you have no idea how much this is helping me September 29, 2011 5:15 pm

Rachel Whetten:
Nat, you've expressed this so well! Though I didn't face such a life altering experience, running has always been so hard for me, not anything I ever found fun or interesting. I could run for Softball or playing some other sport where a ball was involved and I was running after it (but to run just to run, NEVER) I remember having to run one mile in Softball at LPHS and thinking it was the worst thing in the world and feeling so SICK afterwards, etc. After high school I ventured out to school, then took a break, and made a decision to up and move to Boston for a job when I knew not a soul there. It was sort of a way for me to prove to myself that I could do something like that. (I could do hard things). It was one of the greatest decisions I ever made and changed my life and gave me a new sense of confidence that I needed. That led later to moving to Hawaii, meeting Brady and getting married. During our first few years of marriage life wasn't easy, we struggled with some things, had a baby, both worked and went to school (sometimes accompanied by the baby in class when needed) and struggled with the loss of Brady's brother Jake. But we made it through, we both graduated and Brady then went to PT school. After those first few rough/crazy years, life sort of settled down a little (at least for me not being in school anymore -which always caused a lot of stress on me which I don't handle well-I brought it upon myself mostly). So when we graduated I was able to stay home and take care of Tayson without having to stress about school, I did take on some side jobs I could do from home to help keep student loans down and ended up eventually working 3 jobs with kids in tow, but I didn't find it terribly hard or anything and was just happy to not be in school anymore. Then we moved here and life continued on after Brady graduated. We love it here. But that's where the running began, about a year and a half after being here and having our 3rd child. A friend from the ward mentioned they had done a marathon and were doing it again and that I should join them, for some reason they think I look like a runner (whatever that means). I thought why not and signed up, then realized how crazy I was. I started with just 1 mile and slowly started working my way up to 3 when we then began the real training. I never could have imagined what I was getting into. But as training continued and I kept at it I kept succeeding. In short-I completed the marathon and I remember the undescribable feeling of finishing, crying, etc. I had accomplished something HARD! And after so many years of feeling like I wasn't do much of anything or completing anything of much worth (once school was over)-don't get me wrong I know raising kids is a great worth and I was grateful to be able to be doing that, but I needed something for myself. I realized I needed something to prove to myself that I could do Hard things! Especially when I start to panic as I see my kids growing and thinking how in the world am I supposed to handle raising teenagers in this insane world? I know I'm still years away, but just having them in school and having all the outside influence scares me.
I did somehow ENJOY the marathon and some of the training that led up to it, when I NEVER enjoyed running before that. But for the most part overall I don't find running enjoyable, not sure if I ever REALLY will.
3 weeks ago our Stake did a triathlon to prove to the women in the stake that "I can do hard things". It was AMAZING to be around so many wonderful women with amazing stories or even 200+ lbs over weight, and watching them accomplish their first triathlon (also my first). It was more fun watching them finish than finishing myself. We can do hard things!! You do it every day and you are a great example! watching you succeed at so much makes me so joyous Nat! You are Awesome! You don't give up and you give me more inspiration to seek to accomplish other hard things in my life. Thanks you. (sorry this is so long). September 29, 2011 6:00 pm

elena:
Great post! I just completed step 2 and now on to step 3. I printed out my training schedule and plan to start Monday. Now if I can stop psyching myself out and start to believe that I can do this. Race day October 22nd...wish me luck! September 30, 2011 2:48 pm

Kailey-Michelle:
I love this! I can totally relate. I lost my brother when I was young and my mom would run- constantly, as a way to feel, something, anything again. It was her imaginary punching bag and outlet for mentally clarity! When I was 16 she taught me to run, dragging me out of bed in the early am to commit and learn- she told me someday I'd thank her! I thought she was nuts until I entered the real word. Its been my saving grace- the one place I can just be and feel alive- no matter the storm around me. Thanks for sharing! September 30, 2011 5:34 pm

Nik Werner:
I recently ready 'Born to Run' by Christopher McDougall. It's a great book if you're looking for running motivation. October 2, 2011 3:00 pm

Jenni:
Love this, Natalie! You are empowering people everywhere! You have such a gift! And I can literally picture and identify with everything in this post! And I also feel the same way about running - but sadly, I am still in the "couch" phase AGAIN! October 2, 2011 6:08 pm

Natalie Norton:
I second Nik's recommendation of "Born to Run." It changed my perspective about what my body is capable of, COMPLETELY. October 3, 2011 3:44 am

natalie:
@Jenni, You can do it! Let's do a race together! I was just thinking about you today while I was running actually. I am SO grateful you are here in AZ. It seriously makes me feel SO.MUCH.BETTER just having ONE person from home. I LOVE YOU! October 3, 2011 8:18 am

Michelle:
I just want to say, I never THOUGHT of running until after I was diagnosed with a pre-cancerous condition AND recovered from breaking my ankle and the opposite foot. If I can do it, anybody can. October 4, 2011 3:26 am

Kim:
Thank you for this post. That you for who you are. I have now signed up for my first 5K in like years & am using your 6 steps to prepare! So much love to you & yours. October 4, 2011 4:40 pm

Sarah Tunstall:
You are wonderful. And this post is just what I needed to hear tonight. I think we are kindred reformed running-hating, hippie spirits. My story is very much the same, and I love the way I feel when I run now. You are such a blessing to those around you (including the Internet world!), and you've been in inspiration in my short, little running journey. Happy trails, lady. :) October 4, 2011 9:33 pm

Laura Betts:
Hi Natalie, I am Tammy Heggie's sister and I happened to come across your blog today. I recognized your name and decided to 'blogstock' you :). I just have to tell you that I totally LOVED this post. I am NOT a runner, but I am doing a 1/2 marathon (with Tam) on the 29th and this post gave me the encouragement that I need right now, I'm getting a little nervous. Thank you for the much needed inspiration. October 8, 2011 5:22 pm

Laura Betts:
ummm, yeah...blog'stalk' not blogstock...it's been a long day October 8, 2011 6:01 pm

natalie:
Laura, Blogstock sounds awesome to me! :) :) Are you running the one in Utah that Tammy was telling us about?! Any sister of Tammy is a friend of mine! Just FYI. LOVE HER! Love you. Thanks for stopping by! xo! October 9, 2011 5:57 pm

Laura Betts:
Yep, we are doing the Halloween Half in Provo on the 29th...yikes. I live in Provo, so I'm always looking for a way to get visitors, but this might be a little much :). Next time Tammy and Jeff are in Arizona, I'll invite myself and we can have the 1st annual 'Blogstock'! I seriously LOVE your blog! October 13, 2011 7:53 am

Munro Murdock:
Amazing post that I am going to share with my wife. She recently discovered running (after hating the thought of it) and I think she will relate well with your experience.
You may have an interest in reading Born to Run and researching the benefits of barefoot running. I've been running for years and have recently started receiving barefoot running training from BarefootMD, a DailyMile friend, and friend in real life here in American Fork, UT. It has been an eye opening experience for me and I can see how I could now run well into my senior years if I wanted to....since this different form of running has virtually no impact force on the knees.
Keep it up and thanks for the inspirational story to share. October 13, 2011 9:25 am

Adrianna:
I signed up for a 5k and started training yesterday! Thanks for your inspiration! I have never been able to run because my mind quits on me before my body does. Time to change that! October 13, 2011 9:28 am

morgankratz:
[...] photographer, and follower of God has inspired me in so many ways. She wrote one blog, “How to run and not hate it…” in which she [...] February 12, 2012 10:54 am

A New Me « morgankratz:
[...] photographer, and follower of God has inspired me in so many ways. She wrote one blog, “How to run and not hate it…” in which she [...] February 12, 2012 10:57 am

syd:
Natalie! I could not have read this at a more perfect time - I'm on my knees praising God that you shared this post over at MTH today :) He has used you to speak straight to my heart - when the going gets tough, we lace up those sneaks and hit the road ;) thank you thank you thank you for the honesty in this. So relatable and so loved reading. xoxo. April 2, 2012 8:39 am