You are one crazy lady Liz. ROTFLMAO
George, who used to be a weekend SAM
At 11:08 AM 5/1/98 +0000, you wrote:
>Margaret Lauterbach <gardeners@globalgarden.com> wrote:
>
>
>> Margaret, still smarting over one facetious, and one outlandish answer to
>> my query about what selectively defoliates wormwood then puts on its hiking
>> boots and hikes 40 feet to defoliate a volunteer sagebrush (A. tridentata).
>
>Since you've already gotten one facetious answer...
>
>My first thought was your problem was with the hitherto unsung Stone
>Age Masochist Bug -- so named for it's habits and date of evolution.
>The SAM Bug was first discovered on the campuses of some better known
>universities in the early 1960's -- the true Stone Age of American
>culture. As you might guess, the SAM Bug of that era enjoyed nothing
>quite so much as a toke on a doobie and was frequently found
>reclining in groups of 5 or 6 on the campus green wearing bizarrely
>bright clothing, listening to Jimi Hendrix and Doors albums that
>only they could hear.
>
>The first large, defoliating collection of SAM Bugs was found in San
>Francisco in the Haight-Ashbury district. Up until that time the SAM
>bug was known colloquially as the D*mn Stoners. Upon congregating
>and partaking of large numbers of tokes, then dropping bits of paper
>with cartoon characters in their mouths, the DS Bugs discovered that
>they liked to eat once a week, bathe once a month, and attempt to
>create new DS Bugs. These activities required the cooperation of
>females. DS Bugs were nearly all males. It has taken entymologists
>many years to unravel the mystery of what happened next.
>
>These DS Bugs used their 4 and a half living braincells to give
>tokes of doobie to future female SAM bugs. They stoned those
>gals. After Stoning, those females believed that it was a Good Thing
>(yes, that's where MS stole the phrase) to cook food, sorta keep
>house and be Mom and Lover to the DS Bugs. That's the "what" side of
>the story. The "Why" is still under investigation by historical
>entymologists. At any rate, soon hovels arose across the country in
>which the new female DS Bugs demostrated their inherit masochism
>while feeding and otherwise kowtowing to the lazy, dirty male DS
>Bugs. In the words of one male DS bugs "We were Kings in those
>days". It is the actions of these females that put the Masochist
>in the more correct term Stone Age Masochist Bugs.
>
>Now you know the enemy. There is an obvious explanation to what
>happened to your shrubs. It almost embarrasses me to point it out.
>
>You artemesia was defoliated by a deliberate attempt of SAM Bugs to
>get high. This might have been inspired by a showing of
>Tolouse-Latrec prints in the state Art Gallery and by the absence of
>absinthe. Invigorated by the consumption of your artemesia and it's
>effects, the SAM Bugs wandered around your yard looking at all the
>pretty, shiny colors while saying "Hey, Man" and "Cool". After a
>while the SAMs realized they were hungry but, lucky, were sitting
>right next to what they believed, in their stoned condition, was a
>large pizza and pitcher of beer. They sat down to a righteous meal
>of pepperoni and Bud. Unfortunately for you and your sagebrush, they
>were very stoned and didn't realize that it was a sagebrush rather
>than a a pizza with extra oregano. Unfortunately for them, and the
>reason that you have not had any more attacks, is that large
>quantities of sagebrush are a real downer.
>
>My advice is to go out there and stomp around on the ground near your
>sagebrush. SAM bugs are notoriously lazy and probably didn't wander
>far so you should be able to squash them all. If you are concerned
>that you might not have gotten them all, go sit upon the ground and
>read Kafka to them. It'll bore them to death and they'll be so busy
>saying "cool" they won't even notice the danger. Plus, it's an
>organic remedy.
>
>Liz
>
>