~ thoughts on food, life, and everything in between

Category Archives: General

It’s really hard feeling a sense of rejection from those around you. Growing up, my dad left, my best friend moved away, I was bullied into tears, suicidal thoughts, and an eating disorder; and many I came in contact with throughout high school simply knew me as a bitch. I threw up walls, trying to reject them before they had a chance to truly hurt me. I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship because it’s all I thought I deserved or would get in life. I was taught that everyone leaves at some point.

After months of therapy, I was able to get a grasp on myself and on those around me. To give people a chance and to have faith that they weren’t going anywhere. Two people in particular, my best friend and boyfriend, were never leaving me. I was adequate and I deserved to keep them.

But it’s so hard to keep those beliefs. To stay strong in believing that you deserve only the very best when the world around you is hating so hard. How do you keep putting yourself out there over and over and over again only to realize that they aren’t as committed as you are. That maybe you pushed your desires on them too hard and fast.

Trusting people has always been a struggle for me. Letting people into my heart and my life is nearly impossible. What’s even harder is trusting someone with your soul and realizing that maybe they don’t want it. Maybe you were right to wonder how long they were sticking around.

Last night was my first real Friday Night Magic (FNM). For those who don’t know, FNM is an event that occurs every Friday night in comic book and video game stores around the country. At these events, participants play a card game called Magic the Gathering with other fellow enthusiasts. This particular FNM costs 5 dollars and leaves you with at least one booster pack of your choice with the potential for more as you win more.This game is made by the same people who make US Pokemon cards as well as Dungeons and Dragons. So basically, it’s super nerdy and has a cult following.

I was introduced to this game by my boyfriend and mocked him for it so much. That is, until I played my first game. It’s centered around creatures and magic (obviously) and is full of strategy and logic. The cards make the rules and so pretty much anything is possible.

For any of you who have never heard of this game, find a friend who plays and learn. It will be one of your least regretted decisions you will make in your life. You get to have an insane amount of fun. With super nice people. WHO WON’T JUDGE YOU FOR BEING A NERD! Because trust me, you have to work to be a bigger nerd than these guys.

It seems that when I fall, I fall hard. I had some emotional and physical stress over the past few days, starting the night that I missed my first blog. I woke up Wednesday morning and it just hit me with a gigantic “fuck!” I couldn’t believe that I missed a day of NaBloPoMo. Not just for the prizes, but also for myself. I was really proud of what I was doing and what I had accomplished only to let it slip my mind at the presence of any real turmoil.

And it didn’t stop there. I let myself spiral downward into the beliefs that no one really cares if I post or not, and because of that, we are now 4 days later without a single word typed.

Today I start writing again. Hopefully daily. Not for NaBloPoMo. Not to win anything. Not even to attract a million followers. But just for me. Because I am the only one that I need to please.

As you know, I am at the point in my life where I am drastically changing its direction and forging myself a new path. Which is great. But then I have to start facing all the things that I have to start doing in order to accomplish my goal. By far, the most difficult for me to wrap my mind around is college applications.

I thought that when I did this three years ago that it was a necessary evil that would forever be in my past once I made it through those few months. And yet, here I am filling out all of those little boxes once again and trying to remember when I took the SAT or how long I lived at my old address or what my GPA was. All of these trivial things are all of a sudden important again but have already been vacated from my mind.

And then there’s the personal essay. I am terrible at personal essays or at writing about myself in general. I hate opening up to people and exposing the sensitive parts of me because I am terrified of rejection. And this would be the ultimate rejection. It’s just so much pressure to present yourself in just the perfect way to make these people like you and want to have you in their college. It was hard enough my senior year of college, but now it’s so much worse, because now I have to explain why in the world I want to teach 5 year olds instead of cook in a five star restaurant.

College applications are just full of pressure, judgment, and fear of rejection. None of these things I do very well with anyway.

Today I once again began the search for a college education. Let’s hope this is actually the last time.

Being a grown up fucking sucks. A lot. No matter what you do, or how hard you try, there’s always some life situation waiting to fuck your shit up. I woke up this morning in the best mood I’d been in all week. The sun was shining, our bills were on their way to being paid with no over drafting and then BAM! All of that was shit. Except for the sun. It’s still shining. But apparently the bills aren’t up for the whole getting paid thing.

And instead of finding out Tuesday, like I should have, I found out today. And only because I called the bank myself about a fee I shouldn’t have had. So fuck being a grown up. I try so hard, but I still suck at it.

I don’t think it’s possible to be good at it. All I want is to get far enough ahead that we can pay off the 1000 dollar loan we have with my boyfriend’s parents, get engaged, plan a wedding, maybe go on a few small weekend trips. But no. Not gonna happen.

I have come to a point in my life that is quite difficult to describe. It originated with the quarter life crisis, but now it has devolved into a seemingly lesser form. I thought that the hardest part of the last few months would be deciding which direction to take my life in; but now that decision has been made and I realize that in reality, the hardest part of this whole transition is the awkward in-between parts.

I am a college graduate, but I am also applying for college in the fall. I am out and living on my own with my boyfriend, but other than him there is no one to share it with. I am an hour from my family and several from my closest friend. Everyone I went to high school with is still in college, but they will be graduating just as I am reentering the education system. There is no true group that I can relate to. My boyfriend is considering entering college in the fall with me, but even that is not a definite. He has not yet decided which path to take his life down.

I was so ready to start my career, get married, and have a family. Now it seems that everything has to be put back on hold as I start over from square one. I don’t know exactly which group I fit in with. It’s not high school seniors. It’s not college students. It’s not college grads. It’s not working adults. I am my own entity and I am being forced to forge a completely new path. Which will be great if everything works out this time around. But what if it doesn’t?

And thus why I’ve retaken up blogging. To help cope with the awkward in-between.

Happy Halloween to everyone! I keep forgetting what day it is and I’m sure that whatever you’re doing, your plans are better than mine. What are my plans you ask? Well my boyfriend and I were supposed to be going to a college party that my best friend is throwing, but instead we will be spending the evening in construction paper masks at his parents’ house. These are the joys of having practically no income and living in an area where you have no friends within a 50 mile radius.

My boyfriend is going to be a pig and I will be fashioning myself a big bad wolf face and ears. Most girls my age are wearing lingerie with their animal ears, but not this chick, not this year. The event is family friendly and therefore no fun. Not even a drop of alcohol because we are driving.

To brighten my day and allow me to live vicariously through the internet, I’d love to hear what you guys are doing this year for Halloween. What’s your costume? What was the best costume you ever had? The funniest? Feel free to share!

Everyone knows about the classic midlife crisis: you realize you’re getting old and get freaked out about your status in life. What I’m not sure gets nearly enough attention is the quarter life crisis: you realize you have no fucking clue what you want to do with your life at exactly the time you’re supposed to have figured it all out. While the midlife crisis is the most cliché, the quarter life crisis is arguably the most universal, even if it didn’t have a name before now.

I am a 20 year-old college graduate with an AS in Culinary Arts. I knew from the time I was 12 years old that I wanted to be a chef. I have known since I was 15 that I wanted to attend Johnson & Wales University. At 18 I acquired the latter and just before my 20th birthday I loosely acquired the former. And now just five months later, at 20 years old, I am absolutely positive that I do not ever want to work in a kitchen again.

For as long as I have been able to work a range by myself, I have known exactly how I wanted to spend my life. There were no doubts, no second guesses, and no consideration for any other field. I was a rarity in my age group and I was proud of it. Now as I sit on my couch writing this, I realize just how stupid I was. If only I had explored other options then, or even attended a university with a wider set of majors, I wouldn’t be gearing up to reapply for another college in the fall. I wouldn’t be 24 before being able to start any kind of career that I love. And maybe I wouldn’t be working three part time jobs just to make ends meet.

Thankfully, I got out of the food industry before it made me hate to cook. I still love to cook and am called upon by most of both my family and my boyfriend’s to cook for every occasion. I still veg out to Food Network; and I still love the produce isle of Publix. The difference now, is that I realize that this is a HOBBY and nothing more. But now I have to face the same anxieties that most have been going through since high school: What the hell do I want to be when I grow up?

As for now, I think the answer is elementary education. But in a few months or a few years, I may change my mind again. For the first time in my life, I am terrified of my future because I have no idea what it holds. I have no idea if I’ll ever find something to make me happy.

This whole idea started as a joke made by my brother. You see, I’m one of those people who reads entirely too much and knows a ton of random useless facts. This is combined with the fact that I am currently in school for Culinary Arts, so I also know a ton of really useful to me, but random to everyone else facts. My education has caused me to see the food world with a completely new set of eyes. This set of eyes happens to be very critical. I am also one of those people with absolutely no filter who speaks about whatever is on their mind.

A few months ago, my family was at a restaurant at the beach while on vacation. I was giving a small speech on something pertaining to the service or food (I can’t really remember what at this point) when my brother burst out with “You know what, you should write a blog.” I took this lightly at first and laughed it off, but here I am now.

This blog will be primarily about the food industry. Complaints, rants, information, and suggestions to anyone who will listen. Mixed in will be opinions on current events, including politics.

I’m aware that in all likelihood, no one will actually read this and even if they do, it won’t go far, but maybe I could make just a little bit of a difference to someone somewhere. And maybe eventually everywhere.