Tuesday, February 5, 2013

This Just In: I Have To Go Somewhere To Do Something!

Tomorrow I am leaving for San Francisco, which means I will not be updating this blog again until Monday, February 11th, at which point I will resume regular updatings. In the meantime, I would like to invite all in the San Francisco Bhey Area on an "epic" mixed-terrain cycling adventure followed by a lavish gourmet feast at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

But I can't, because I'm only in town for two days, and I'll be busy the whole time making a video for my new book.

However, I can invite you to be an extra in this video. Yes, if you've ever dreamed of being on YouTube to help some schmuck sell something, you can report to the following places at the following times:

If you choose to join in, please dress as "Euro" as possible (interpret that as you will), and if you have a Dutch bike or similarly practical (or hefty) city bike then ride it.

The video is being made by Plus M Productions, who made my last video. If you're not familiar with Plus M Productions, one of the two principals is this guy:

Or, if you prefer, this guy:

So obviously it's worth showing up just to get his autograph.

In the meantime, impending travel is usually my cue to tie up unfinished business at home, though when you're a bike blogger-cum-book author the truth is you don't really have much business. Really, this scene from a cinema classic speaks most accurately to the condition of being a blogger:

Speaking of Brooks, before starting this blog I'd never actually owned one of their sitting devices, but now I have no fewer than three. (That's pretentious for "I have exactly three.") Not only do I find them all exceedingly comfortable, but they also felt that way almost immediately, with no lengthy break-in period required. I'm not sure why this is, but I imagine that years of sitting perched on the end of hard plastic saddles while desperately clinging to the back of the field in park races has given me a scranus of steel, and I'll take that proudly to the grave:

My last wishes, by the way, are to be portaged in a bakfiets on a funereal theme ride through the streets of Portland and then dumped unceremoniously into my grave and sprinkled with Stumptown coffee grounds.

In the meantime, I'm making life count by reading Twitter, and this Tweet amused me:

While I certainly have no intention of engaging in a "blog off" with Fat Cyclist (he'd win, he's very competitive), I am always enthralled by scientific lube studies:

Jean-Paul Sartre famously wrote "Hell is other people," but if you ask me Hell is spending all your time alone in a lab testing lubes:

Smith’s process for testing the lubes is time-consuming, involving a multi-stage stripping and lubing procedure before each chain ever hits a piece of test equipment. He is meticulous; each lube is tested on three different chains under exactly the same load, always in the same direction, and every chain is identically impregnated with each lube thanks to the use of an ultrasonic machine.

Though if you edit that down it does sound a lot like "foffing off" and impregnating someone from across the room:

Testing the lubes...time-consuming...multi-stage stripping...lubing procedure...meticulous...same load, always in the same direction...impregnated.

Basically, it's all a bunch of "tooting your own horn"--which, it turns out, is exactly what Velo(news) is doing:

Now allow us to toot our own horn, at least a bit. At Velo, we take our testing seriously. No “laterally stiff and vertically compliant” nonsense here — unless something actually is.

Yes, I agree that using the phrase "laterally stiff and vertically compliant" is far more ridiculous than spending $50,000 on a bunch of equipment to test lube.

And in conclusion:

After exploring Smith’s lab, it is clear that this lube test is only the start. Smith is measuring, or will be soon, the efficiency of various pedals, chainrings, chainlines, hubs, bottom brackets and more. It’s a goldmine of incredible data, and it’s a safe bet that you’ll find more of it in the pages of Velo going forward.

To which I would append the following:

Get out! Get out now!

Once you've reached the point where you consider lube test results "incredible data" it's already too late, so if you're even remotely intrigued now do yourself a favor and get rid of your crabon bike immediately. Buy a Rivendell, take up golfing, break both your legs, whatever it takes. Believe me, you do not want to disappear down the Fredhole of friction and wattage--because while you might save 2.5 seconds in the local race you'll never win anyway, there's no recouping the loss in time, money, and human relationships. One day you're perusing incredible chain lube data in the pages of Velo, and the next you're getting busted for doping in a Gran Fondo and your coach at CTS isn't returning your calls.

It's just not worth it.

With that, I will take my leave and fortify myself for the smuggery of San Francisco. I hope to see one or two of you out there and either way I look forward to returning to all three of you on Monday.

Never trust anyone who refers to hisself (that's Kentuckian for "himself," and it's pronounced "hiz-self") as a "principal." Unless it's the principal of a grade school. And then, well, it goes without saying . . . BTW who the hell needs somebody else to help make a Youtube video? Don't you have a phone you can duct tape to the handlebars and lean it against the wall to shoot yourself in front with? Or has hipster pretentiousness become contagious?

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!