All I wanted were some very simple items. A black wrap dress with no hideous pattern, a comfy day off sweatshirt that doesn’t have a brand emblazoned on it, a chiffon-y black button down, riding boots, wedges, reasonably priced accessories! These are not a lot to ask for, people! But they are things that, that for whatever reason, I couldn’t find at my local haunts. Sometimes I am just sick of all my stores, they just don’t have what I want no matter how many times I wonder through them. And on line shopping won’t do at a time like this because I want my merchandise in my hand right this second.

So, when the opportunity arose to go shopping in America, I jumped at it. Literally, I was so excited I was hopping around the living room. Well, no, not really – but almost!

What happened from there I can’t really explain. The mall we went to had lots of lovely stores, I had a wad of cash money burning a hole in my wallet, and yet? Nothing. I bought literally nothing. According to Tom’s math and what we told the customs officer we spent $1,500 between the 4 of us (he totally pulled us into pay duty, as well he should have) and I spent exactly $2.35 on coffee, that wasn’t even for me!

However, all was not lost. I got to hang out with my (other) bff, her fiance (the aforementioned math-guy Tom) and her crazy (Crazy! But in a good way) mother. I ate a giant pizza at California Pizza Kitchen, I tried on shoes at Saks, and I met a really interesting sales associate at Ralph Lauren with a hundred stories to tell.

Plus, while my shopping companions were in paying their duty, I got to wait in the car and watch some folks from Burlington get totally screwed trying to smuggle.

Seriously folks, if you’re not from a border city like myself please take heed. You cannot tell customs you have nothing to declare and then have $700 worth of merchandise and receipts to prove it in your car!

Could you get away with it? Of course you could. However, there is also a very good chance they will pull you in, just for fun. If you lie to them, they will snicker at you, they will wield their customs power with fury, they will line you up against a wall like you have a pound of coke and an illegal alien in your trunk. Worst of all, they will take your new shit.