Rape myths

There are many myths about rape and other forms of sexual violence which can reinforce feelings of shame, guilt and self-blame for the women and girls who have experienced sexual assault. Cambridge Rape Crisis Centre is committed to dispelling these myths and reducing the stigma around sexual violence, to help create an environment in which survivors feel safe and confident to seek support.

Myth: Women are most likely to be raped outside, after dark and by a stranger, so women shouldn’t go out alone at night.

Fact: Only around 10% of rapes are committed by ‘strangers’. Around 90% of rapes are committed by known men, and often by someone who the survivor has previously trusted or even loved. People are raped in their homes, their workplaces and other settings where they have previously felt safe. Rapists can be friends, colleagues, clients, neighbours, family members, partners or exes. Risk of rape shouldn’t be used as an excuse to control women’s movements and restrict their rights and freedom.

Myth: Only young, ‘attractive’ women and girls, who are flirtatious and wear tight clothes, are raped.

Fact: People of all ages and appearances, and of all classes, cultures, abilities, genders, sexualities, races and religions, are raped. Rape is an act of violence and control; the perceived ‘attractiveness’ of a victim has very little to do with it. There is no excuse or mitigation for sexual violence and it is never the victim/survivor’s fault. What someone was wearing when they were raped or how they behave is irrelevant.

Myth: When it comes to sex, women and girls sometimes ‘play hard to get’ and say ‘no’ when they really mean ‘yes’.

Fact: Everyone has the legal right to say ‘no’ to sex and to change their mind about having sex at any point of sexual contact; if the other person doesn’t stop, they are committing sexual assault or rape. When it comes to sex, we must respect the wishes of our sexual partner and believe what they tell us about what they do and don’t want.

Myth: If two people have had sex with each other before, it’s always OK to have sex again.

Fact: If a person is in a relationship with someone or has had sex with them before, this does not mean that they cannot be sexually assaulted or raped by that person. Consent must be given and received every time two people engage in sexual contact. It is important to check in with our sexual partners and make sure that anything sexual that happens between us is what we both want, every time.

Myth: Alcohol, drugs, stress or depression can turn people into rapists.

Fact: Drugs and alcohol are never the cause of rape or sexual assault. It is the attacker who is committing the crime, not the drugs and/or alcohol. Likewise, stress and depression don’t turn people into rapists or justify sexual violence. There are no excuses.

Myth: Someone who has willingly drunk lots of alcohol or taken drugs shouldn’t then complain about being raped.

Fact: In law, consent must be fully and freely given by someone with the capacity to do so. If a person is unconscious or incapacitated by alcohol or drugs, they are unable to give their consent to sex. Having sex with a person who is incapacitated through alcohol or drugs is therefore rape. No-one asks or deserves to be raped or sexually assaulted; 100% of the responsibility lies with the perpetrator.

Myth: It’s only rape if someone is physically forced into sex and has the injuries to show for it.

Fact: Sometimes people who are raped sustain internal and/or external injuries and sometimes they don’t. Rapists will sometimes use weapons or threats of violence to prevent a physical struggle or sometimes they will take advantage of someone who isn’t able to consent, because they are drunk or asleep for example. Many people who are sexually attacked are unable to move or speak from fear and shock. Just because someone doesn’t have visible injuries doesn’t mean they weren’t raped.

Myth: Men of certain races and backgrounds are more likely to commit sexual violence.

Fact: There is no typical rapist. People who commit sexual violence come from every economic, ethnic, racial, age and social group.

Myth: Once a man is sexually aroused he cannot help himself. He has to have sex.

Fact: Men can quite easily control their urges to have sex; they do not need to rape someone to satisfy them. Rape is an act of violence and control, not sexual gratification.

Myth: People often lie about being raped because they regret having sex with someone or out of spite or for attention.

Fact: Disproportionate media focus on false rape allegations perpetuates the public perception that lying about sexual violence is common when in fact the opposite is true. False allegations of rape are very rare. The vast majority of survivors choose not to report to the police. One significant reason for this is the fear of not being believed.

Myth: People who were sexually abused as children are likely to become abusers themselves.

Fact: This is a dangerous myth, offensive and unhelpful to adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, which is sometimes used to explain or excuse the behaviour of those who rape and sexually abuse children. The vast majority of those who are sexually abused as children will never perpetrate sexual violence against others. There is no excuse or explanation for sexual violence against children or adults.

Myth: Men don’t get raped and women don’t commit sexual offences.

Fact: The majority of sexual assaults and rapes are committed by men against women and children but a small number of women do perpetrate sexual violence. Often people who’ve been sexually assaulted or abused by a woman are particularly fearful that they will not be believed or that their experiences won’t be considered ‘as bad’ as being raped by a man. This can make it especially difficult for these survivors to access services or justice.

Testimonials

It was nice for me to have someone to talk to who could not just listen but give advice as well. I also was really happy that I learnt more about myself through these sessions.

It has helped me talk to friends, talk to my partner and made those relationships stronger as well as helping me understand and forgive myself for things that happened in the past.

[I valued] the exploration of each of the themes in the [group] sessions. Hearing other people's experiences. Hearing other people's reactions, repercussions, actions and things they do to help.

Being believed, understood, accepted and getting challenged so that I could go on the journey towards living with freedom. Freedom of thought, emotion and action.

[The group] allowed me to explore new techniques and subject matters, and has put me in touch with some amazing women. Just the feeling of support and non-judgement alone was awesome.

I talked to the police before having an ISVA. CRCC gave me phone support regarding what rights I have [and] what the interview would be like.

Non-judgemental, honest caring people who have been with us every step of the way.

My daughters' had someone they could engage with (their ChISVA) and I was able to come to terms with what has happened to me and actual be able to see a future was possible.

There have been no intrusive questions. I don't have to mention details, which make me feel uncomfortable. Everyone is understanding and really friendly. I value that the support is free and in such a nice environment. Everyone believes you.

[I valued] being able to open up to someone that's not connected with my family.

The feeling of isolation has subsided, just knowing there's someone who understands has made it easier to cope.

[I valued] having the support from a really nice counsellor. I felt safe and the help was amazing with coping strategies.

It was good to be surrounded by women who could relate to how I felt.

Thank you for being there to talk to when I felt like I had no-one else. Thank you for getting me to talk about it all and then listening when I wouldn’t shut up!

[I valued] learning to be honest with myself, to become strong and learning to deal with issues rather than bury them away.

The kind way I was listened to, believed and not judged. I was helped to see that I was a victim, not responsible for my ill-treatment.

[Counselling] has helped me work through my own coping mechanisms to strengthen them and develop strategies to help make everyday life easier to confront.

She was lovely and made me feel comfortable about speaking about what had happened and she was able to tell me what will happen next [if I choose to report].

[My counsellor] was very supportive and understanding.

The lady I spoke with [when I self-referred to the ISVA service] was warm, welcoming, helpful and replied to my on-line message the same day if not the next day. My ISVA contacted me just 5 days after my initial call.

[My ISVA] didn’t judge and was always there for me when she said she would be.

Fantastic counselling, with such a kind and patient counsellor.

[The ISVA Navigator] was lovely and made me feel comfortable about speaking about what had happened and she was able to tell me what will happen next.

[It helped] being able to share my life story and understand how it's changed me in a nice environment, and having someone who listened and helped me understand.

[I valued] the understanding. I felt that no matter how silly I thought I was being, my counsellor would listen and completely understand my thoughts and how it relates to the violence that happened.

[Having an ISVA] made me feel relieved of the pressure of reporting on my own, meaning I had more brain power/capacity to do other fulfilling things.

I was very happy with the support I received. It was just the right amount of understanding without feeling patronised.

CRCC have taught me how to trust when I didn't know how. Have shown me self belief when all I could see was self hatred. Have helped me feel anger when all I could feel was emptyness. Have given me hope in a sea of despair. Have helped me grow from a lost, confused, helpless, victim with the feeling that suicide may be my only available escape, into the beginnings strong, self aware, survivor looking forward to a much brighter future. That has changed my world.

I had no idea what to expect and I was very nervous but soon realised that it was okay and I did not need to worry.