My FWS and I are in R, and at times it goes really well, until I slide back from a day full of mind movies. When we have the good days, when we cuddle in bed and hold each other, I feel so loved again, BUT I do not feel the in love feeling, ever. It seems to have disappeared and I feel so sad that it has. He was my everything, and now I have lost that huge part of my heart's feelings for him. Will it ever return?

Posts: 186 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada

jo2love♀ 31528Member # 31528

Posted: 11:32 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013

That is a normal feeling. You can go from feeling loving and close to him, then flip to hating and not loving him. This is such a crazy emotional rollercoaster. Be gentle with yourself.

Posts: 50400 | Registered: Mar 2011

Simple♀ 18814Member # 18814

Posted: 1:07 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013

Being "in love" is easy. Real love takes time and lots of work. Don't hurry real love. It will come if you're in true R.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008

bionicgal♀ 39803Member # 39803

Posted: 1:25 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013

Hmmm. "In love.".... I am not sure what that means to me anymore. H thought he felt that with OW and it was an illusion. Is it infatuation? Butterflies? What he seems to feel for me now is much deeper and richer than that. . .

As for me, I feel more romantic love than I did in the years right before the affair, which is weird, of course. But is that more real than the warm, comfortable love, the steadfast love, the "for poorer, and in sickness" love?

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3515 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA

heforgotme♀ 38391Member # 38391

Posted: 4:59 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013

BUT I do not feel the in love feeling,

Fwiw, me either. He is so much better now. But I still do not feel safe. Don't know if I ever will.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL

learningtofeel♀ 39543Member # 39543

Posted: 4:59 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013

I wonder about this too. I have horrible days and weeks, and better ones, and sometimes I have felt full of love...but lately not so much. I do believe I love him. I know how hard he is working. I feel compassion most of the time. But full of love feelings.... Will they come back?

For us, he had to get there before I did. I just couldn't go there, until I was convinced that not only had he fallen deeply in love with me again, but had re-discovered the fact that all he ever wanted was right there in front of him all along. I had to believe that, plus come to a place of acceptance that yes, indeed, this had happened. The fact of his betrayal was never going to change, and I had to accept that. And accept that I either had to move on, or choose to stay frozen in one place. MY choice.

I chose to live with love again. And I am in love with my FWH. Knowing that he can hurt me (and I him), and that I could walk away if I needed to, I chose to take the risk of loving again.

It took over a year, though. It wasn't even potentially possible until all of the above had happened, and enough time had occurred that I could choose this path.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9796 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

Lostinthismess♀ 39210Member # 39210

Posted: 9:51 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013

This is where I am, and my biggest hold up. I can't stay without being in love I don't think. And I can't make heads or tails of what I do feel.

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 401 | Registered: May 2013

thecosmogirl♀ 39707Member # 39707

Posted: 12:55 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

I wonder about this constantly.
He tells me all the time "I'm IN love with you." And all I can muster is "I love you"
I use to tell him I was IN love with him...not anymore.
We are in MC and things were pretty good until a few weeks ago when he flipped out on me and my questions...especially about one particular topic that he has given at least 4 different answers to.
I swore then to NEVER ask another question. Which has thrown me into a horrible world of mind movies and self doubt.
So, in closing I'm pretty sure the "in love" will never come back since total honesty will never be given :(
Hugs to you! Hope your journey is better!

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out

Emptyshelldad♂ 32292Member # 32292

Posted: 1:26 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

I do feel you guys....I'm missing that feeling myself.....I'm not sure that I will get it back.....but I hope the best for all of you.

@skan: my BW took a similar approach. And the "in love" feeling, the flame of our love, reignited after having 1) dwindled and been allowed to be on the very back burner (both of us, but me disproportionally, at fault) and 2) been snuffed out, actively and completely by me solely. My affair actions directly with xAP, and my ancillary affair actions which I undertook to undermine the quality of my marriage, thus giving me the ability to rationalize and justify my selfish and destructive behavior.

It has felt SO good to reignite. To be given the gift of us, through, in large part, my BW's love and forgiveness. I've got my part to do, and lots of it. But I'm inspired and excited for the "work".

We took a week and each made a list of things we loved about each other. It was so hard in the beginning to come up with anything. I ccouldn't see past the betrayal. As the week wore on, it became easier. Things like how she cuddles up holding our son, her eyes and smile, her artistic ability. Things all over the board.

At the end of the week we sat down face to face and read them to each other.

I carry a copy of both list with me everywhere I go. There have been many unsure or insecure moments where I have pulled them out and read them.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DsD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012

Kimba22♀ 40476Member # 40476

Posted: 3:13 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

I feel the same way Starmoonchild....WE have been working on our R for about 4 months and he is doing everything right. When he tells me I'm his "everything" I think in my head "then why did you break my heart". Some days he can see my sadness and will ask if I'm ok and I say YES as I don't wan to hash it out over and over again. I have to figure out how to move on. I think Skan said it perfectly , "The fact of his betrayal was never going to change, and I had to accept that. And accept that I either had to move on, or choose to stay frozen in one place. MY choice".

ME: 46
H: 49
A from 3/9/13 to 5/13/13
DD: 5/6/2013
Married: 11 years
Blended family w/5 Children

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013

neverdidithink♀ 40568Member # 40568

Posted: 3:48 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

For us, he had to get there before I did. I just couldn't go there, until I was convinced that not only had he fallen deeply in love with me again, but had re-discovered the fact that all he ever wanted was right there in front of him all along. I had to believe that, plus come to a place of acceptance that yes, indeed, this had happened. The fact of his betrayal was never going to change, and I had to accept that. And accept that I either had to move on, or choose to stay frozen in one place. MY choice.
I chose to live with love again. And I am in love with my FWH. Knowing that he can hurt me (and I him), and that I could walk away if I needed to, I chose to take the risk of loving again

.

This is exactly where I am right now. I am in love and ready to take the risks that come with that. I truly believe he understands the effect his A had on us and me, and he's willing to do whatever he needs to do no matter how uncomfortable to make me feel safe again. We have also committed to courting each other again, and that has made a big difference in how we interact.

BS, 54
M 10 years
second marriage, second WH
4 kids in their 20s

Posts: 438 | Registered: Sep 2013

Lethealbegin♀ 32826Member # 32826

Posted: 6:21 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013

I feel the same way! In MC today we discussed this very thing. I have a wall up protecting myself that is one thing. The other thing is my WH has to work harder meaning corting me. Do you have a wall up to protect yourself from getting hurt again?
Hope this helps.

BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Dday 3 3/05/14 {Fully Disclosed every lie}
Two little ones
Married 19 years at the time of dday 1