New Revelations Leaves Redknapp Reputation in Tatters

"How am I supposed to run a stationary department with this cockney wideboy around?"

English Football was again rocked this morning, by fresh allegations of corruption against Tottenham's wily old Manager, Harry 'Teflon' Redknapp. Suspicions were first raised at his new Club, when only weeks after Redknapp's arrival, the Club's stationary department reported an alarming shortage of brown envelopes.

We asked the Club's official Head of Stationary, David Stapleton, to comment on these damning revelations, and he responded: "We are all very concerned about these recent developments. As little as three weeks ago, our records showed a perfectly healthy stock level of these envelopes, and yet as I speak to you now, the vast majority of these vital elements of our business remain missing and unaccounted for. How am I supposed to run a stationary department with only three brown envelopes!?"

Clearly unhappy with the constraints he finds himself under in his current working conditions, we pressed Mr. Stapleton further, in asking if he could pinpoint what he believes to be the cause of this loss?

"Surely it's obvious?!" he replied. "It's that corrupt, 'cheeky chappy' cockney wideboy c*nt that all you corporate media whores fall over yourselves to verbally suck off on such a nauseatingly regular basis."

Mr. Stapleton also added that "unless a new supply of brown envelopes was secured by the end of the day, there is a real possibility that the department could cease to function effectively as a going concern, and be forced to wind up immediately."

Tottenham Hotspur Chairman Daniel Levy moved quickly to dismiss any rumors surrounding their manager, claiming that whilst he "always knew that appointing a man with such publicized 'baggage' and such a baggy face" was always going to carry an element of risk, that it was "one he had been prepared to take".

Mr. Levy went on to state that he was "shocked" "devastated" and "livid" to learn of what happened, and indicated that whilst they awaited the return of the vast millions thought to have been siphoned off from the Club, his first priority would be to secure the short term loan of an adequate supply of new brown envelopes, to help bolster the ailing stationary department in light of the revelations.

We caught up with Detective Inspector Allardyce of the Fraud and Corruption Investigation Unit, who (whilst tucking a large brown envelope into his inside jacket pocket) confirmed that "'arry" had been "very helpful indeed!"

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