Where Stuff Gets Rated

Tag: food

The are the cookies sold by, you guessed it, the girl scouts. What you may not know is that the girl scouts don’t make the cookies, they’re made by the same people who make Keebler cookies. I guess Ernie and the rest of the elves. Anyhow, these are like five dollars, and, for all the cookies that aren’t yucky, Keebler makes a better version you can buy at the store for like two-fifty. Now, I’m not saying don’t give the girl scouts your money, in fact I’m saying the opposite. Just give the girl scouts some money. You’ll have plenty after buying more and better cookies at half the price.

This is when you dip bread into melted cheese. I’m not sure why bread nachos got all tied up in romance, but they did. I think I’d like them better if they were just called “bread nachos” but that’s probably because I just came up with that name right now and I’m pretty tickled by it. 3.7/5

They’re okay. I’m on board with the concept of covering things in chocolate, but strawberries, for me, aren’t a consistent enough fruit to fully execute it. Sometimes you get a sour one, and sour face isn’t a turn-on. It looks like a kissy face, true, but a kissy face where the person you expect to be kissing is slimy or something. Chocolate-covered bananas, that’s the path to my heart. 2.9/5

White Castle is a fast food restaurant know for its tiny, thin, oniony hamburgers. It’s not super romantic, except on Valentine’s Day they put out red tablecloths and heart-shaped balloons and you can’t get a table without a reservation. It’s nice. Plus, if the next day, you and your partner can survive each other’s White Castle farts, you know the relationship is worth holding on to. 4.9/5

These are supposed to be aphrodisiacs, in that they make you want to have sex. There’s a couple problems with this. One, it doesn’t take more than as stiff breeze to make me want to have sex, and two, if my plans for the evening involve eating raw, salty snot monsters whole, I’m already going to be in a hurry to do anything else. 0.9/5

I feel like the shape of this limits the amount of chocolates you can fit inside of it, but since you’re giving it to somebody else who specifically wants a heart shaped box of chocolates instead of a bag of chocolate chips, I don’t guess it matters. 2.5/5

I know these are pronounced “yee-rows” and not “jye-rows” but I call them the second thing because it helps me pretend I’m a robot who has to eat robot components to survive. Anyhow, these are roasted meat and tzatziki on a pita and I love them so much I’m willing to ignore that tzatziki is a yogurt sauce and yogurt is basically just very very bad milk. 4.7/5