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Author
Topic: Fear & Loathing of what will become of us aging Poz+ (Read 12658 times)

I have this fear of ending up in a State-run nursing home, old & sick and possibly being abused, I have no children, and no real family to look after me if this happen to me, what are any of you LTS thoughts about any of this, I know this subject probably isn't something I should be worried about any thoughts or insights?

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Up until about four years ago, I'd have said that my default care-giver would be my sister, who's two years younger than me. But around that time I suffered a genuine crisis and she declined any involvement, let alone support. So now, I'm not so sure.

I do know that I have a very strict living will that forbids any heroic measures or any attempt at resuscitation. Hopefully my end will be quick.

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Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Hey Bucko, thanks for your reply, ya know I'm kinda in the same boat as you are in, and my otherhalf, and my twin-sister is the same age as I'm, so that kinda leaves them outta the picture, so to speak, as for any livivng will, all i have is the advanced health care directive ( no heroic measures, DNR= Do not resuscitate ) so I hope my suffering is very quick & easy

« Last Edit: October 11, 2011, 07:12:24 PM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Hey Bucko, thanks for your reply, ya know I'm kinda in the same boat as you are in, and my otherhalf, and my twin-sister is the same age as I'm, so that kinda leaves them outta the picture, so to speak, as for any livivng will, all i have is the advanced health care directive ( no heroic measures, DNR= Do not resuscitate ) so I hope my suffering is very quick & easy

Well, in my case it's just a gradual estrangement from my sister that's been going on for about 15 years. It's complicated and totally OT to discuss it here. But her resistance to get involved at all back in 2007, despite my being hospitalized and unemployable for at least a few months basically taught me that she'll not be a font of compassion when the need arises.

Considering how close we were up until about 1996, it's pretty appalling. She's gone from a militant sexual anarchist to an uptight prig who is all about setting very low limits and now takes to clucking about "choices" and "responsibility". Her last few attempts at "managing" me left me enraged and choking with disappointment.

Like I said: it's complicated.

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Blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits.

The revolutionary smart set reads The Spin Cycle at least once every day.

Do not apol about what worries you.I think many people after reaching 50 start to have these thoughts if they have the strength to bare them. I keep thinking that I will volunteer for work with the UK major age charity , my interest would be HIV issues.I think what is usefull is the position of "advocate" for people who want some one in there corner. As Bucko reminds us people can have family and still be alone with there issues.

Being venerable is terrifying, in Hospital with illness it has at times underlined either awful behavior on my part or intense depression, the balance hard to achieve and hindsight being off some limited help.

So in some attempt to round up this ramble my way off dealing with this worry at the moment is to make sure I keep abreast off all things in my Mothers care home and hopefully a stint off vol to contribute to the sort off society I want for myself.

Strength in numbers no guarantee but adds to the odds off avoiding attack when weak. Plus off course my highly illegal pepper spray.

with love mhtv

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

DenAs an only child whose father chooses not to talk to her, I have always thought of this. A dream of mine has always been to have a house big enough that people would be able to come feel loved and cared for and be able to pass in comfort. Of course, I need to win the lottery first, but there is always a chance

what are any of you LTS thoughts about any of this, I know this subject probably isn't something I should be worried about

I've been worried about this off-n-on for the last 17 yrs (ever since Randy died and left me alone). At times when I've been very sick, this has been a much more immediate worry than it is at the present.

I stopped meds at one point after the Sustiva had left me so doped up one day that I fell down the staircase and was quite banged-up. I worried about what could have happened (broken neck) with me there all alone, and my family nearly 600 miles away. So because I was so very sick back in those days, I kept friends - friends who would look after me - as roommates for many years. I even had an RN friend as a roommate for many years. However, when I needed her help after being hospitalized a second time with pnuemonia, she wasn't any help because she had pnuemonia too and was in the hospital 4 more days than I was!

Then I had Jim and thought he was going to be healthy enough to care for me; but we know how that turned out, with me being the caregiver for a second time in my life when I watched over him dying. Thank goodness, HAART was making me less sick, because I was left alone again to worry about who would help take care of me if something happened (and trying not to be homeless). I ended up moving back home, where I live now with my mom and her hubby. Of course, my mom would take care of me if I was that ill; but realistically, she's older than me and I'll probably end up caring for her (and her husband with his prostrate cancer) long before I'm sick enough again to need a caregiver - which means one day I'll probably be alone again worrying about the future.

I've been dating a guy for a while; but I don't think he'll be the "solution" to the issue of my future care either. Quite the opposite I would imagine. Though he's in really excellent shape, he's 10 yrs older than me and has had AIDS nearly 10 longer than me. (there's a whole new worry about me being with this guy and my track record of losing partners that's a worry for me; but that's fodder for a whole different thread LOL) He and I have talked about this situation somewhat - at least his situation. Although all alone out on his country property, he lives just a short ways from several family members, yet he's estranged from them and has very little contact. Our friendship actually has grown because, after becoming friends, I began to call him at least every other day to "check on" him. While he's nowhere near imminent danger of dying, he could die out there and no one (from his family anyway) would know for months perhaps.

I think there are quite of few of us (LTSs, singles, gay persons, those estranged from their families, and/or without children) whose future care is a concern and worry. For many of us, the living will is about all the protection there is, and that's really only helpful when you become terminally sick. That leaves a lot of time when one can be unable to care for themselves; but not ill enough to pass away. Take a look in any nursing home and you can see how long a time period that can be - and usually that's a long time for someone that actually does have family and caregivers.

I don't think there's much of an answer, buddy, except to say that you're not alone. A lot of people, those with and without family and friends, actually go through the scenario you proposed, and a lot of us worry that we'll go through that too.

Maybe we ought to start donations to a fund for Snow to get a place for all of us.

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leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the seaand the party is on fire around you and meWe're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes- Pet Shop Boys chart from 1992-2015Isentress/Prezcobix

Well, that's a nice story Mikie, but most people aren't gonna do any of that (when you get sick & too old) unless there is $$$ involved in your long term care (however long that may be) so, I'm still looking @ a State-run-nursing home, and I'm sure w/ medicare & SSDI I'll get whatever I need till the end, I may not like the accommodations much, but, it will sure beats being homeless, and without any medical-care and any compassion, there really isn't much I can do about that @ this point

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Well, I just thought of something I didn't even consider " VA Nursing Homes " I was speaking to my otherhalf Bob and he said that we would both qualify for that, being were both Vets, the way I understand this is the VA would pay for half, and Medicare would pay for the rest, but we would have to move to wherever one waswhen it was time, that sure beats to hell outta a State-run nursing home @ least I hope it does, all we would need is our DD-214s to qualify (those are honorable discharge papers)

« Last Edit: October 12, 2011, 05:32:56 PM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Thanks I just wanted to hear some of your thoughts being a LTS like myself, I know that I'm only 55 (will be in NOV) but , I also know that some of you are a lot older than me, and it's a good feeling to hear what most of you think about this subject, it also makes me not feel so alone, thanks for all of your input

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I hate to break this to you Dennis, but there are no state-run nursing homes.

They may contract to provide services, but all of them are for-profit agencies.

So, be thankful you have the VA option as well as Medicare.

I am in the same boat. The only person who might step up to the plate would be my sister, but I don't know if she is up to taking care of an invalid as he lays near death.

Since she is younger than I, I presume she will outlive me. If, for some reason, she did not, I would truly be alone. I don't even have a partner with which to commiserate.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Since we are still young, comparatively, I hope there is no need to figure it out too soon.

Another thought that crossed my mind is whether the nursing homes are homophobic or Faith based (which is sometimes the same thing), and how they would treat someone who is not only gay but who is not Christian.

I could create all kinds of scenarios in my mind, but I would prefer to not.

Another thought that crossed my mind is whether the nursing homes are homophobic or Faith based (which is sometimes the same thing), and how they would treat someone who is not only gay but who is not Christian.

I could create all kinds of scenarios in my mind, but I would prefer to not.

Let's stay as healthy as we can, shall we?

HUGS,

Mark

This is certainly now an open debate within ,A least London Care homes, Friends connected tell me. All the homes are meant to ensure the rights off there Gay and Lesbian staff and residents. The problems show up with both resident groups and staff groups. Root of which appears to often be the range off cultures living and working in the homes. Still its at least very useful to have the Law on ones side .My guess is by the time I might need such Care it will be well known which homes are Gay friendly .

What a thought campaigning at 80, There is a script in this you know.Love to all mhtv

edit/cause I am still on first mug off columbian, nurse.

« Last Edit: October 14, 2011, 05:32:04 AM by Theyer »

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

Thanks Mark, I guess this really isn't something I should worry about @ this point, so I like your clarity on these things, oh and Mark, you may not have a otherhalf, but, you have all of us here, so don't ever forget that

And as for the VA, I don't think I qualify for any VA benefits as I'm not a Vietnam Vet, I did 2 tours of duty from DEC 77 to DEC 85, so that just makes me a plain ole Vet, I just found out that the cut-off for any VA benefits is 1975' I could be wrong about this, but, I don't think so

I'll probably die in a hospice @ the end of my end my anyway

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Hi, I live in Provincetown, MA; we have a progressive nursing home here & a progressive ASO, the AIDS Support Group of Cape Cod. HIV & AIDS have little or no stigma here.

A big EXTRA, the state of MA will give you subsidized or free health insurance, if you cannot afford it. Everyone here is required to have health insurance. So, you might want to look into care facilities in Provincetown (Seashore Point), or the Boston area.Or you might want to look into the health insurance situation/care situation in the San Francisco, LA or NYC areas, where there are also many POZ residents.Hugs, Deibster

Last year, the Pennsylvania legislature passed $7 million (part of a partnership with a private entity) for a LGBT-friendly affordable senior housing facility to be located next to the William Way LGBT Community Center in downtown Philadelphia. It will only have 70 units but it's a start.

Being a female aging lts'er, it bothers me there haven't been more studies on aging lts'er females. For things like feminine gynecological health, and of course the aging appearance (will I appear older more quickly? Horrible, I know). And the incidents of, say, breast cancer. Is it more likely in aging lts'er women? What about women's brain power-does it fade more quickly than males? Things like this.Being that I was in a nursing home once, I understand the fear of going to one. I would never want to again. Which is why I attempt to be as wonderful as possible to my daughter/grandkids.

But I also agree with trying to live as healthy and long as possible. I also may add to do new things, learn new things etc.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I have thought of this issue a lot over the years. I took care of my late partner all by myself until the last 3 days of his life (at that time I checked him into a hospice just around the corner and stayed with him there until then end). The last 6 months were grueling, but I did it all because I loved him and knew he loved me, it wasn't just a duty. But, since his passing 15 years ago, I know that there is nobody who would do the same for me. I have often thought that I hope when it becomes evident that I don't have much longer that I still have the mobility to be able to simply fly to someplace where nobody knows me and just "expire" there.

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Never make someone else your whole world when to them you are just an option.

Hello all;Weasel, I understand your feelings completely. My mom had a few strokes & we took care of her in her own home for a few years, as long as we could. It was better than a nursing home but it wasn't pleasant for her, or for me & my hubby. At least, she was only in a nursing home for 1 month at the end.

Fuziwuzi, I understand your feelings as well. My hubby is 7 yrs older than me & I'm beginning to doubt that he'll be able to take care of me when I get too weak to walk up the stairs. My idea, if I start to have real trouble walking, is to take a walk off of the pier in the harbor. Yes it's all downstairs & downhill from our place.

For some reason I no longer fear old age or dying. I've got a husband and we have a "death pact", so if we get too sick or too old, we'll just go together. I'm not even afraid of being old and alone, because when I get too old to care for myself, then what's the point? I'm not in any hurry to die, but I find great solace in the fact that I can choose both the time and method of my departure. Since I have relatively nothing to fear, I can spend my time enjoying all the years I have left, after all these are the years I never expected to live to see.

I really haven't given much thought about long term care . What keeps me up at night is worrying about the state of health care in general and if I am going to be able to maintain my home and feed myself before I ever make it to long term nursing home care . If you are chronically ill in this country and uninsured the system doesn't exactly encourage or allow any kind of savings to be put away for your old age .

I really haven't given much thought about long term care . What keeps me up at night is worrying about the state of health care in general and if I am going to be able to maintain my home and feed myself before I ever make it to long term nursing home care . If you are chronically ill in this country and uninsured the system doesn't exactly encourage or allow any kind of savings to be put away for your old age .

ditto UK and me, although our system reduces worry re health care and cost ,it is under attack by our current Government, a portion off which yearn to reduce the state to that off the US. Fortunately they have just lost a leading member Dr Fox who lurvvvves the neo-coms. He had to resign as he involved his 'best friend ' in his job way too much. That would be overlooked in some cases but not when your head off defence.

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

Enough I hate the idea off you or Bob doing such a thing, though of course I have thought about it too. The non messy option where you do not require discrete specialist cleaning services to be called.

Right its time for Tea & Toast

with love mhtv

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

ditto UK and me, although our system reduces worry re health care and cost ,it is under attack by our current Government, a portion off which yearn to reduce the state to that off the US. Fortunately they have just lost a leading member Dr Fox who lurvvvves the neo-coms. He had to resign as he involved his 'best friend ' in his job way too much. That would be overlooked in some cases but not when your head off defence.

This is off topic on my part but I have traveled to many places like the UK and Australia and have asked the locals how they felt about health care in they're country . The replies to my question has overwhelmingly been of the positive nature with a few comments that there is always room for improvement .

Most of the people in this country who oppose health care reform talk of a broken system in Canada and the UK etc . where sick people are clamoring for a chance to come to America for decent health care . This myth is widely told and everyone seems to know someone who knows someone who had to come to America to be saved from the evil socialized medicine you guys endure ... Its maddening to hear people spout off these made up passed around urban legends and it keeps any real reform as nothing more than a scary topic for those to consider who have never been sick enough to see what you are up against for the sin of being sick without insurance .

well...before I do anything drastic, I am going to take my credit cards and my airline miles and come visit anyone who wants me...

,,get my passport and visit Europe...

...after I am satisfied that I have seen everything and done everything that I can think of...

and if one of the above hasn't convinced me to stick around ....

and if Mom has passed...

then...

maybe...

I could go on a cruise and jump in shark infested waters....jump from a plane and have a parachute malfunction..go mountain climbing and fall off...(and be rescued by Spock and his rocket boots drive a race car into the wall...

...bit for some reason...and I have a few scars to prove it...I manage to survive...

I'll just become a hermit somewhere in a cave .dress exotically in weird costumes...so that future archeologists can find me and wonder who I was...

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"I'm not done yet"....Glen Campbell

"I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I sure as Hell am not where I was" Wynnona Judd

Diagnosed/HIV1993AZTNorvir1994-2001Crixivan/Epivir/ZeritNo Meds for 7 Years

I could go on a cruise and jump in shark infested waters....jump from a plane and have a parachute malfunction..go mountain climbing and fall off...(and be rescued by Spock and his rocket boots drive a race car into the wall...

I'm thinking more along the lines of throwing my old diseased body into the local water system that supplies a republican district if it comes to that .

This is off topic on my part but I have traveled to many places like the UK and Australia and have asked the locals how they felt about health care in they're country . The replies to my question has overwhelmingly been of the positive nature with a few comments that there is always room for improvement .

Most of the people in this country who oppose health care reform talk of a broken system in Canada and the UK etc . where sick people are clamoring for a chance to come to America for decent health care . This myth is widely told and everyone seems to know someone who knows someone who had to come to America to be saved from the evil socialized medicine you guys endure ... Its maddening to hear people spout off these made up passed around urban legends and it keeps any real reform as nothing more than a scary topic for those to consider who have never been sick enough to see what you are up against for the sin of being sick without insurance .

That amazes me.I am proud off the UK health service, that's why I get angry when its attacked or as this Government is trying to do turn it into a market with patients as customers. Doctors as financial managers. Its the biggest attack since it was formed. None off this was laid out in either off the coalitions electoral manifesto es. A typical Tory bastards grabbing an opportunity ----the financial crisis's to push there anti NHS policies through.

« Last Edit: October 23, 2011, 04:05:36 PM by Theyer »

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

That amazes me.I am proud off the UK health service, that's why I get angry when its attacked or as this Government is trying to do turn it into a market with patients as customers. Doctors as financial managers. Its the biggest attack since it was formed. None off this was laid out in either off the coalitions electoral manifesto es. A typical Tory bastards grabbing an opportunity ----the financial crisis's to push there anti NHS policies through.

Thanks for sharing that . While I'm sorry your country is dealing with this , its valuable information and needs to be heard by as many people possible . I bet if Americans were to answer a poll about this topic the majority would assume by there answers people in the UK would want our health care system instead of what you have . Of course I live in the southern states where misinformation is typical .

Yesterday was a day when the NHS worked at its best .I had a full skeletal body scan aimed at identifying the cellular behavior off bone cells. The procedure started with the dept phoning me at home to check all was OK and they could order up the slightly radio active mixture that would be injected 3 hours before screening.

11.30am injection2.30 pm 3/4 hour laying flat on my back arms held in place by weighted sling while a camera 2inches above body spent 30 Min's or so going from skull to feet. then a further 1/2 hour off hands and sole off feet.

This is now on the Hospital computer system available for my docs to study. Details to me next week.t

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn