NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.

(The title screen for Theodore Rex is shown)

NC: (chuckles) Where do I even begin with this? Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur go solving crimes—nope! Can’t even begin with that. And that’s the premise! The premise is so stupid I can’t even begin with it! So let’s begin with how they came up with the premise: some jackass executives are in an office saying, “Hey! We’ve got to make some money real quick while putting absolutely no effort into it. Hmm. Why don’t we take an A-minus-list actor and whatever the hell’s popular right now and team ‘em both together? Hmm, now let’s see, uh, oh! I know! How about Betty White and the Ninja Turtles? (A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, followed by a red “X” that covers it and a buzzer noise) No, no, no, ooh! How about William Shatner and Pokémon? (A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played) No, no, it’s too obvious. Oh, I got it! How about Damon Wayans and that gecko from the GEICO commercials? (A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played) No, no, wait for summer…oh! I’ve got it! I really got it! (laughs) How about Whoopi Goldberg and one of the dinosaurs from that TGIF sitcom? (A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played one more time) Fuck you, I’m lazy." Theodore Rex!

(The movie’s title screen is shown again, followed by clips from the movie as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): Man, and I mean MAN, is this weird! I just don’t get who thought this had potential. Who would throw money at this, thinking they would honestly get it back? And for that matter, how did they manage to even get some of these people? I mean, they’re not gigantic names, but I’m seriously surprised that every actor didn’t change their name to Alan Smithee after watching this shit-fest. It’s that bad.

NC: So…as if you honestly need to ask why this movie didn’t work, let’s take a look at Theodore Rex.

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So we start off with our intro that pretty much looks like a bad Powerpoint presentation.

Narrator: Billionaire Elizar Kane will launch his New Eden Missile to bring on another Ice Age. After Mankind is extinct, Kane will reanimate the pairs of all earth’s animals he keeps frozen in his ark.

NC: Oh, good. At least they’re taking this seriously.

NC (voiceover): So we see this assassin guy going after…well, a dinosaur, as he tries to kill him by…letting loose a butterfly.

(The blue-green butterfly lands on a T. Rex’s nose and explodes, causing our dinosaur hero Theodore Rex to wake up from his dream and breathe heavily)

NC (voiceover): Wow, I've never been so simultaneously annoyed and confused at the same time.

Theodore Rex: (sings to himself before getting into the bathtub) Rubber duckies three and four in the water, mmm.

NC (voiceover): So after that bad dream, we see Teddy. He’s a dinosaur cop who lives in an apartment with his dog Zippy—wait!

NC: Wait. I need a moment for that to sink in. (He rests his head on his hand before looking off-screen to take a deep breath and sigh) OK.

NC (voiceover): As he drives around the city that I think was designed by Ringling Brothers, we then come across another cop named Katie Coltrane (Whoopi Goldberg), as her and another cop go roaming the streets for… (cut to a clip of some small henchmen laughing to themselves in a high-pitch as they carry a body into a secret vehicle) ...chipmunk Jawas?

(Katie and the other cop swing down to crash through the vehicle’s glass roof)

NC (voiceover): So after retrieving one murder victim, we get another, as Rex is seen hovering over the body of the dinosaur that he saw in his dream.

Policewoman: (talks with Theodore while walking together) It’s like somebody had a sensitivity attack and wants to keep this incident under wraps which, you know, I don’t blame them. ‘Cause if this got out…

Theodore Rex: Could be trouble, I know.

NC (voiceover): Here’s a fun fact. This actress had to do this scene 20 times in order to keep a straight face. Heh, can you blame her?

Policewoman: So what are you doin’ out in the jungle tonight, huh?

Theodore Rex: Funny thing. I was home asleep, right? And all of a sudden, I had this... flash. Deep down, I knew something was wrong.

Policewoman: Wait. Are you telling me that all you dinos are on the same wavelength?

Theodore Rex: Well, it’s kind of like…we feel for each other.

NC (voiceover): Wait, so not only do dinosaurs exist in this world, but they also have psychic powers? Well, I don’t know about you, but this movie about a Tyrannosaurus Rex who solves crimes in a futuristic city has TOTALLY lost me on its credibility! So Goldberg meets up with her only friend, a little boy named Sebastian.

(NC points his finger up to cue the intro music for the song “Under the Sea,” then flattens his hand to cue the music to stop)

Theodore Rex: (to a server) So, who do we have, Frenchie? Meat, meat, meat and meat. You know, I’m a recovering carnivore.

Server: (lifts up a lid to reveal treats) Sweets?

Theodore Rex: Yes! Cookies!

Server: (sternly) One per customer!

(Theodore uses the end of his tail to poke the opposite shoulder of the server, making him turn his head to the right and walk off)

NC (voiceover): And his quest for finding that mysterious shoulder tapper begins.

Theodore Rex: Toodle-oo. (Speaks to himself as he start grabbing cookies and stuffing them inside his shirt) Six of these. (He starts making munching noises to himself as he continues stuffing the cookies secretly)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, cookies. Swinging tails and cookies. Those are two running jokes, people. These are the knee-slappers that you’re gonna have to see over and over again! Isn’t that just thrilling? Aren’t you excited to see where the cookie story arc goes?

Commissioner Lynch: (to Theodore) You have the case. (Theodore gasps excitedly at the news) Undercover. We’re teaming you up for your own good.

Theodore Rex: OK, great!

Alex Summers: With a veteran pro. Coltrane.

(Cut to a man dressed as a Rambo soldier walking toward Teddy, Lynch and Summers)

NC (voiceover): Hey-hey! We already know that’s not Coltrane, so this joke doesn’t work. (Katie walks up to lightly shove the man out of the way) Out of the way, guy, who was only here for a throwaway gag!

Alex Summers: Coltrane, there’s been a homicide, and your name came up.

NC (voiceover): So Judge Dreadlock here is teamed up with Teddy, much to her dismay.

Lynch: Teddy Rex, meet Katie Coltrane.

Theodore Rex: Hi.

Lynch: You two solve this case together.

(Theodore Rex chuckles)

Katie: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what? What?

(Theodore Rex sighs)

Lynch: That isn’t public relations, but I’m de-promoting him temporarily.

Katie: He’s a dinosaur.

NC: He is—I juh—WHA??

Summers: Hey, Coltrane. Straighten up and fly right. This is your chance for a comeback. Don’t blow it.

NC: Oh, please. If I want to see Whoopi Goldberg interact with dinosaurs, I’d watch The View. (An image of Whoopi Goldberg with her other panelists from The View is shown briefly)

Theodore Rex: No suspects, no clues, no motives. So we need to determine a, uh…cause of death?

NC (voiceover): Sweet Christmas! Lamp Chop’s Sing Along has better lip movements than him! So they go to where the dead dinosaur’s body has been taken, which is a museum—that seems ironically cruel—as Rex decides to examine the body.

Theodore Rex: Doctor, may I?

Coroner: Help yourself.

(Theodore examines the body, closing his eyes and making grunting noises as he extracts something small from the body with tweezers)

Theodore Rex: There we go. Send this to Captain Alaric at headquarters.

NC: …Then I suppose those weird sounds he makes are never gonna be explained.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, dinosaurs just hack up hairballs whenever they look over a dead body.

NC (voiceover): So they find out the dinosaur used to live in a nightclub where other dinosaurs hang out.

Theodore Rex: Good for ya.

Tina: Hey, Teddy!

Theodore Rex: Hey, Tina!

Tina: How are you?

Theodore Rex: I’m fine.

NC (voiceover): OK, now you’re making the 3D Jaws look realistic! Can you put a little bit more effort into these puppets, guys?!

(Cut to Theodore and Katie sitting at a table)

Coltrane: What is this?

Theodore Rex: Ahh, now this is great. This is hydroponic seaweed.

NC (voiceover): You know, when he talks, I don’t hear what he’s saying. I just hear all the gears and wheels that are moving that giant fake head. (As we see Theodore talk, we briefly hear sound effects of mechanical gears and wheels activated) So they come across a singer named Molly Rex, who apparently knew the murder victim.

NC (voiceover): This is, like, a REALLY bad high. In fact, this whole scene looks like the tripped-out bar from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, doesn’t it?

Raoul Duke (from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas): (speaks while intercutting with footage from Theodore Rex) I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo. Somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things. Won’t be long now before they tear us to shreds.

NC (voiceover): So they go in to question the singer only to find out that the murder victim used to work for Elizar Kane.

Theodore Rex: I really gotta go. I’ll call ya. See ya.

(Molly Rex sniffs the flowers Theodore gave her and holds it against her heart before eating them)

NC: …That’s not even worth addressing. There’s far too many weirder things to talk about in this movie.

NC (voiceover): Like this scene for example.

(Snipper’s henchmen pursue Theodore’s car from behind)

Theodore Rex: Trick or Treaters out for early Halloween.

NC (voiceover): Oh, wait, I’ve seen this! Don’t the Power Rangers come out and usually beat the crap out of these guys?

(As the henchmen continue the chase, we suddenly cut to a doctor’s examination room with Katie walking in)

NC (voiceover): (surprised) What? Hey, what?

Doctor: I finally got his I.D. by breaking the code.

Katie: The code?

Doctor: The genetic code. The map of our destiny, and we’re all slaves to our DNA.

(Suddenly cut back to the henchmen climbing onto Theodore’s vehicle and tearing it apart to get at him)

NC (voiceover): W-Wait! What the—?

Theodore Rex: Code Red! Code Red! Katie, where are you?

(Cut back to the examination room with the doctor handing Katie something)

NC (voiceover): HUH? What je—?

(Cut back to the henchmen on Theodore’s truck)

NC: OK, OK, OK. Let’s play a game. What does this scene (he points to a screenshot of the examination room scene on his left) have to do with this scene (he points to a screenshot fight scene with the henchmen on his right)?

NC (voiceover): I mean, she’s not discovering anything about Teddy being attacked, so what’s the connection? You don’t need your editor to play “Six Degrees with Kevin Bacon” with your audience, guys! Just be straightforward! OK, so the bad guys catch up with Teddy and horrifyingly…throw custard pies at it. (Pauses) Really? That’s-that’s not that bad. I mean, granted, it’s annoying, but you can’t really make that look very threatening.

NC: Well, OK, unless you added this. (He points camera left to cue the shot of the smug Popcorn-Eating Guy from Free Willy and the accompanying dramatic music sting; NC laughs) I’m gonna go on tour with that guy.

NC (voiceover): So they (the henchmen) return to that assassin guy who is not happy with their progress.

Edge (the assassin guy): (threatens Spinner) This is your last chance. You keep your eye on the Rex and the gun, or I’ll stick you in a blender! (He walks away laughing)

NC (voiceover): So they (Theodore and Katie) return to headquarters—which is looking an awful lot like a McDonald’s playground—as the commissioner is displeased.

Lynch: Where the hell were you when the car was stripped?

Katie: It was a Medevac.

Lynch: Medevac?

Katie: It was a Medevac!

Lynch: Your orders were to stick with Teddy! You embarrass the department!

NC: SHE embarrassed the—SHE embarr—DO YOU EVEN SEE EARL SINCLAIR OVER THERE?!

NC (voiceover): So while Goldberg tries to talk with the commissioner—What the hell? (Green arrows point to some strange activity going on in the background) Why are they playing shuffleboard with Hershey’s Kisses? Fuck it, I don’t care. Teddy tries to go and find some clothing that’ll make him look more like a real cop.

Theodore Rex: (Stands in the center of a machine) OK, Ella, dress me up. Now, make me look nice, OK? (Ella presses some buttons to change Theodore’s clothes into an opera singer dressed for “Ride of the Valkyries”; Theodore sings his scales) Mi-mi-mi-mi! (speaks) Push the button! (His clothes now change to a mariachi costume)

NC: OK…seriously. I mean, seriously!

NC (voiceover): People really can’t dress themselves in the future? They have to spend thousands of dollars to have groundbreaking technology because they don’t know how to put on their fucking socks?! What sense does that make? And for that matter, why all these stupid costumes? Is there seriously a scenario where you’re gonna need a dinosaur to dress as a hula dancer? I’m sorry, but I honestly do not see a situation where that will be required!

Ella: I think this will do fine.

(The camera reveals that Theodore now wears clothes very similar to what he wore before: a hooded jacket and jeans)

Katie: Yeah, you look good.

Theodore Rex: (nods) Yeah.

Katie: You look like a real cop.

NC: Oh, yeah. Because he looked SOOOO different from before now, doesn’t he? (He shows images of what Theodore Rex wore before and what he currently wears) He’ll just blend in to the crowd!

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, at…the sprinkled testicle building, the assassin finds a hostage they can use in case Goldberg and Teddy get too close.

(As Elizar Kane presses buttons on a computer device, the assassin stands there smiling at Dr. Veronica Shade, who is dressed in red)

The Joker (from The Dark Knight): (dubs over the assassin) Why so serious?

Elizar Kane: Ah, Sebastian.

NC (voiceover): So they kidnap Sebastian by luring him with his favorite video game: Bland Non-Advertising Blank Screen. Remember that game growing up? I’m sure it would get your attention if you saw it, right? (A henchman’s hand jabs through the screen as Sebastian plays the game and grabs for him, pulling him in) So Teddy meets up with Molly again as they head back to his place for some Tyrannosaurus sex.

NC (voiceover): Yep, the running joke of cookies has literally just been resorted to the shouting of the word now, which is a shame. I saw real potential for that joke. (Theodore and Molly dance together and let their tails hit loose objects around the room) Oh, but thank God we still got the swinging tail gag! You think by the 97th time, it’d be annoying, but it’s not! It’s…it’s-it’s-it’s really annoying.

(Theodore leaves the nightclub to take a deep breath and sigh with pride; as he approaches Katie’s vehicle, we see that from his point of view, the camera sways as though Theodore were dizzy and drunk; NC follows his head along with the awkwardly tilting camera)

Katie: Ooh, you got it bad, don’t you? Oh, I see you dancing out in the street under the stars and flinging your tail around like you’re a free guy?

Theodore: You act-you act like only humans fall in love! I can’t understand you! Why do you keep your feelings all bottled up inside, huh? Huh?

NC: (stops moving his head to speak) Is the cameraman drunk?!

NC (voiceover): Is that why the angles keep tilting? I tell you what; if it is, I wouldn’t blame him! It would be the only way I could get through filming this movie, too!

Alaric: (studies the remains of a butterfly that looks like the one Edge used at the beginning of the film) I reconstructed the little gizmo myself.

Katie: Nasty.

Theodore: Now, where would our killer get a weapon like this?

Alaric: At Techno Guild Circles, he’s known as the Toymaker. Somewhere in the ninja grid.

NC: Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait. There was a ninja grid in this movie this whole time? We were…hanging out with these two morons, and we could have been watching a ninja grid this whole time?! (Pauses) What else have we been missing out on? Is there a “rock bands on skateboard” grid as well? (A Photoshopped image of the bands KISS and The Rolling Stones skateboarding is shown briefly) Come on, guys, focus on the good stuff!

NC (voiceover): So they go to meet this Toymaker when…

(Theodore and Katie stop to see a purse open up; Katie readies her gun as a small puppet character slowly pops out of the bag)

Guy in the Bag: Welcome to Dead Storage. Who’s gonna die?

NC: (gives up on the credibility of the scene) ...Yep! Why not? I mean…nothing surprises me anymore. If he wants them several minutes talking to an inanimate finger puppet, I’m totally OK with that.

(Cut to a hairy caterpillar-like worm appearing before Katie and Theodore and standing itself up)

NC (voiceover): Ah? And what’s this?

Theodore Rex: It’s a hairy hot dog.

NC: …Of course, it is! (chuckles) If you wanted a hairy hot dog to talk to a finger puppet, turn into a butterfly and float by a bunch of helium containers, I’m OK with that now! There’s really no point in questioning it. It’s like trying to save a sinking ship with a Band-Aid! Anything I try to do would be completely pointless. (Pauses before he speaks in a high-pitched voice as though scared) Save me!

Toymaker: (greets Theodore and Katie) Welcome. Have some tea.

Katie: Are you the Toymaker?

Toymaker: I’ve been called many things.

NC: One of them being “Toymaker”.

NC (voiceover): So the Toymaker escapes, blows up the building…and forgets to exit the building. You know, it’s not much of an escape plan if you don’t actually escape. (Theodore’s tail wraps around the Toymaker’s mouth as it pulls him up) So they interrogate the guy as he reveals Elizar’s plan to destroy mankind to perfect a master race. So they bust the Munchkin commune as they get the bad guys to build them a…

NC (voiceover): OK, bottom line, he built a spaceship that’s an ark that will keep two of every animal safe, and Teddy is going to be one of those animals.

(Cut to Dr. Shade holding up a hypodermic needle)

Theodore Rex: Hey! Hold your horses. Needles creep me out, you know.

Dr. Shade: Oh, one little prick, and you’ll wake up in paradise.

NC: Wasn’t that Tom Cruise’s marriage proposal?

Theodore Rex: Why did you guys kill Oliver and Adam, huh?

Dr. Shade: (walks toward the doorway of a large vault) They threatened to expose Mr. Kane’s master plan.

Theodore Rex: Ohh?

Dr. Shade: Don’t you realize…

NC (voiceover): (speaks blandly) Oh, gee. She’s standing by the door. I can’t possibly imagine what’s going to happen or how Teddy’s gonna get out of this—(Theodore swings around to smack his tail at Dr. Shade, knocking her into the vault and allowing him to shut the door) D’ooooh! And here, I thought it was gonna be cookie-related. So Goldberg saves the kid but is shot by the assassin, who I guess messes up her robotic armor or something.

(Elizar Kane shoots at Theodore and hands the gun back to Edge, who takes it and walks away laughing evilly)

NC (voiceover): So again, after NOT killing anybody, Teddy goes after the bad guys and tries to stop the missile as well.

(Kane and Edge escape in their open-air vehicle; Theodore uses a grappling hook from up above to grab for Kane and lift him up high from the vehicle as Edge (in the passenger seat) screams at the sight of the vehicle ramming into a sign (which has Kane appear on it with the tagline “The Future is NOW” posted above him) and exploding)

NC (voiceover): Jesus. Were they driving a Pinto?

Female Computer Voice: Detonation minus 15.

NC (voiceover): So Teddy only has seconds to stop the missile. Maybe he has to fight his way through an army of soldiers. Maybe he has to find the code to turn the missile off!

(Theodore simply presses a button on a remote, causing the missile to explode in space above the Earth and disappear)

NC (voiceover): Or maybe he just does that. What, seriously? That was it? No big battle or climax or…oh, hell, why am I complaining? It makes the movie shorter.

(Cut to an outdoor ceremony where Lynch presents Theodore an award)

Lynch: It’s my honor to promote you to Detective First Class.

Theodore: Wow. (He shakes hands with Lynch)

NC (voiceover): So the two of them get a medal for their hard work, and…that’s really about it! It just ends with the words, “See Ya,” like you just got done talking to a really annoying friend that you know in fact you will never see again.

NC: And trust me! There is nothing in this movie that you’ll ever want to see again!

(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): I don’t even know what to say about it. I literally can’t even comprehend the premise, it’s that bad. It’s sort of beyond belief. (Cut to a clip from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) It’s like what Jack Nicholson would see in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest after he got lobotomized.

NC: So if you’re looking for a…spectacular disaster of a movie, I’d recommend seeing Theodore Rex once. (Pauses to lift a finger) Once. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)