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Dirty Talk Dos and Don'ts

Less than 48 hours after meeting Ryan, I was straddling him in a nightclub, giving him my first-ever lap dance. My relationship with him was, from the beginning, more sexually charged than any I'd been in.

On our first date, he gave me a goodnight kiss, along with a two-handed ass squeeze. "I thought he was a bit forward," I wrote in an email to a friend the next day.

It shouldn't have surprised me, then, when our first romp in bed introduced me to the world of dirty talk. Being a writer, I consider myself sensitive to the English language. Typos irk me and misspellings make me shudder. When Ryan indoctrinated me with those three mellifluous words, "Yeah, suck it!" my brain refused to process the command. "Isn't that what I'm doing?" I thought. He had to have meant it literally, because to utter that phrase for any other reason would be vulgar, contrived... disgusting! This, I thought, is why adult films are always better on mute. I decided my best move was to ignore him.

But I was unaccustomed to between-the-sheets dialogue—or monologues for that matter. Each time he spoke, I'd snap to and say, "I'm sorry. What?" (I earned a blue ribbon for best manners in kindergarten.) He may as well have been speaking in tongues. Most of the time I had no idea what he was saying, and I preferred it that way. It was too hard trying to figure out what he meant by the things coming out of his mouth; things you only heard in porn movies; things you heard uttered by your drunk college roommate when she dragged home her night's conquest and you had to lie there, pillow over your head, pretending to be asleep, all the while judging, silently judging: "Ew! Who says that stuff?"

1. He's not a douche about being in shape.

Look, Chris Evans has a great body. Most importantly, though, is that he's not a jerk about it. He doesn't walk around shirtless, unless it's in a completely appropriate situation. You don't have to worry about him flashing his abs to your mom, but if that shirt does come off for whatever reason, she'll still be impressed.

Photo: Disney / Marvel

2. He makes dangerous stuff look adorable.

Girls want a bad boy, moms want a teddy bear. Well guess what? Chris Evans is a bad teddy bear. But, not in a dirty way. Unless you want it dirty. Chris Evans is here for you!

Photo: Disney / Marvel

3. Chris Evans cleans up really nicely.

You want your mom to see a guy at his best, and Chris Evans at his best looks like America personified. If your mom doesn't appreciate that, then she's a terrorist and she should be in jail.

Photo: Disney / Marvel

4. He's active!

He knows how to swim, how to throw stuff, how to fight. Your mom will love his various skills. He can definitely take care of you.

Photo: Disney / Marvel

5. Chris Evans hangs out with classy broads.

Is it offensive to call a dame a broad? Either way, those are the types of ladies that Chris Evans associates with. You don't have to worry about sketchy ex-girlfriends showing up and ruining everything.

Photo: Disney / Marvel

6. Chris Evans stands up to jerks!

Your mom wants a guy who will protect you. Not just from bears and stuff like that, but also a man who protects your honor. If some guy is being a jerk, and Chris Evans is around, then you've got nothing to worry about.

Photo: Disney / Marvel

7. He's got great health insurance.

Chris Evans is rich and famous. He financially stable, so you know he's got the health insurance that covers all the luxurious stuff. Like mud baths.

Photo: Disney / Marvel

8. Chris Evans looks good in uniform.

If there's one thing moms love, it's a man in uniform. Even if the uniform is just a costume, they still love it. Chris Evans only wears uniforms in his personal life (from what I hear, which may be wrong).

Photo: Disney / Marvel

9. He's got impressive friends.

Chris Evans hangs out with cool people, but even around cool people, he still looks like the boss. There's nothing more impressive than that.

Photo: Disney / Marvel

10. Chris Evans is dedicated.

You don't get a body like that by accident. If you could, they wouldn't call them accidents, they'd call them miracles.

Photo: Disney / Marvel

11. Chris Evans is a true gentleman.

My girlfriend can't look at this photo of Betty White and Chris Evans without crying because everything about it is perfect.

Photo: YouTube

Look, Chris Evans has a great body. Most importantly, though, is that he's not a jerk about it. He doesn't walk around shirtless, unless it's in a completely appropriate situation. You don't have to worry about him flashing his abs to your mom, but if that shirt does come off for whatever reason, she'll still be impressed.