The Calendar of Postiness

Top News Reports of the Week: July 6-12, 2009

July 10, 2009 — The Luigiian

Pennsylvania- According to reports from NBC News Philadelphia, more than 60 black kids from northeast Philadelphia, Pennsylvania were turned away from a private club because of their skin color. Not reported: The kids were actually afro-wearing white 4chan nerds wearing blackface, and they were out to get the pool closed.

Ontario- A man rapes his unconscious sister by giving her head. And here you thought only Southerners did that sort of thing. Southerners are different, silly. They only do that with the cows out back.

Las Vegas- Senator John Ensign’s parents have given the man’s hired prostitute mistress a swift kick in the ass nearly $100,000 to shut her up“out of concern for the well-being of longtime family friends during a difficult time.” Clearly Ensign got a raw deal. I mean, seriously, how much does it cost to hire a good hooker in Vegas? Two hundred bucks, tops?

Man, my parents bought me a car for high school. Next time I’m gonna have to ask for more. I’m gettin’ gipped here.

EXCLUSIVE NAKED EMMA WATSON PICTURE.

Harry Potter premiere in U.K.- Emma Watson’s clothing comes apart, showing her bra and panties. This, coupled with Heddy Pottah’s getting naked for his part in the Broadway play Equus, lends credence to the rumors that producers are finally going to give up on trying to make these actors look like prepubescent kids and just turn the seventh Potter into a hardcore porno. Spoiler: Watson gives good head. Better than the head Mr. Incestuous Ontario Pervert gave his sister, I’ll tell you that much for sure.

South Korea- Spies in Seoul have identified North Korea as the culprit of cyber attacks that hit or attempted to hit the White House, Pentagon, State Department, Treasury Department, Homeland Security Department, the National Security Agency, the New York Stock Exchange, NASDAQ, and the Washington Post. And yet our media still focuses on the ridiculous circus that is Michael Jackson’s neverending farewell tribute. Great job, American media dipshits. Two questions: Do we need a building to get hit with a plane before people in the United States finally start paying attention to shit that actually matters? And when is the media going to start doing its job again and START REPORTING THE MOTHERFUCKING NEWS?!