YSaC, Vol. 1072: Yes, They’d Like Some Bananas.

There are no monkeys!!!!!!!

Please stop calling. I don;t know who posted this with my number but I am not giving away monkeys.

Now, to be fair, this isn’t terribly sucky, other than the completely inexplicable semicolon. On the other hand, it is absolutely hilarious.

Two points:
1. This person does not rule out the possibility that they are SELLING monkeys, just that they are not giving them away for free.
2. I want this children’s book to exist. Commentariat, make it so.

Thanks, Mackenzie!

Updated by drmk to add: The comment below by “eBaiting” deserves to be featured here:

There are not any monkeys. We do not have them here.
Our store quit selling monkeys in August of last year.
We held a monkey sale, but we priced them far too low.
You simply can’t imagine how fast bargain monkeys go.
We sent a local flyer, but things soon got out of hand.
Our little ad went viral, and we could not meet demand.
Before we’d even opened, I peeked out at the throng,
A wall of eager monkey shoppers seven miles long.
They pounded on the windows. They rattled our front gates.
It felt just like Black Friday, but centered ’round primates.
At eight o’clock we opened and the mob came pouring in,
And snatched up all the monkeys from our monkey clearance bin.
Some people did not get one, and then the fights broke out,
With angry shoppers screeching, and flinging poo about.
They clambered on our counters, jumped up and down in carts.
We fled to layaway to get the tranquilizer darts.
We fired them at customers, which quieted them down.
We called the cops for help and they sent every car in town.
So next time you go shopping, recall this little verse:
There are not any monkeys, but humans act much worse.

Monkeys for all!
—————————————————–
I am giving away monkeys. They have laser beams attached to their heads and they poop gold. They will clean your house and pay your bills with poop gold. Do not let them near your computer because they like to post craigslist ads. You must be alert at all times because they will kill you and devour your body. We found them out back and they kind of look like kitties with extra long hair and sharp fangs but my husband knows what monkeys look like from the zoo so we know they are just awesome monkeys. If you lost your monkeys, too damn bad. We like the gold but we are running out of space for them to poop in and we want to share the wealth out of the kindness of our hearts. We are asking 1 million dollars OBO. Call Trixie at xxx-xxx-xxxx

Do not let them near your computer because they like to post craigslist ads. You must be alert at all times because they will kill you and devour your body.

The truth is the previous caretakers of these gold-pooping monkeys didn’t give them enough bananas. The monkeys therefore revolted and killed the people, then ate them. At first everything was fine, but then the monkeys realized there was still nobody bringing them bananas. So the monkeys posted the ad. If you read between the lines, this is actually a great offer that includes a warning caveat. “Take good care of us and give us plenty of bananas. We’ll poop gold made out of the bits of previous banana-bringers that we ate. If you do take good care of us, we’ll clean your house and keep you living pretty with all the poop-smelling gold we can produce, but remember to keep bringing bananas; otherwise, we’ll eat you too and poop gold made out of your tasty bits to give to whomever heeds this warning and keeps us well-supplied with bananas. Oh, and we’re cute. We look like long-haired, fanged kitties, and who doesn’t think kitties are cute?”

I can’t believe how misunderstood we are! Yes, we poop gold, of course. But we DON’T devour bodies after we kill people. We do however take over their lives and sleep with their spouses and run up their credit cards.

A couple summers ago, my aunt and uncle were visiting my parents while we were there, too. Some guy called because he wanted to pick up his kids (sounded like a joint-custody situation). My uncle calmly told him that he had to wrong number. The guy flipped out and started yelling at my uncle about being a lair and he can’t keep his kids from him and he’ll be right over, expletive, expletive, expletive. It was pretty funny. I hope the guy felt like a right ass when he got to his ex-wife’s home and realized he hadn’t actually called first.

There are no monkeys in the box;
There are no monkeys in my socks.
There are no monkeys in my house.
(That’s not a monkey – it’s a mouse.)
There are no monkeys here or there.
There are no monkeys anywhere!
I do not like this world without monkeys.
I do not like it. It’s not funky.

camille, I thought of you this weekend! We were at my parents’ house, and my (brilliant) sister came into the living room yelling something about having seen a bear in the backyard, or it might have been a cat. My mother’s response was “If you can mistake it for a cat, it’s not a bear.” My immediate thought was “Of course, that’s because bears look like dogs!”

Speaking of the bard, there’s a movie coming out soon called Anonymous. The description states that it is “A political thriller advancing the theory that it was in fact Edward De Vere, Earl of Oxford who penned Shakespeare’s plays”. Having seen no previews, all I can think is it can’t be that thrilling if it rehashes the centuries-old academic discussion that the bard wasn’t actually the playwright. The only way I see a film about that theory succeeding is if it’s a comedy that paints the bard as a loveable drunk with charisma to spare who stands in as the figurehead for a repressed semi-royal who wishes she could destroy the glass ceiling that keeps women only in the audience and not on stage.

I am not giving away monkeys. Or zebras. Or oppossums. Or wallabies. Or kakarikis. Or peacocks. Or sugar gliders. Or corgis. Or lemurs. Or Not.A.Lions. Or roosters. Or clams. Or thouroghbreds. Or deer. Or antelope. Or bison. Or flounder. Or cattle. Or parrots. Or dogs. Or cats. Or mice. Or cockroaches. Or pigeons. Or anteaters. Or spiders. Or iguanas. Or boa constrictors. Or canaries. Or groundhogs. This list is only a guideline, and not all inclusive of the animals I am not giving away.

You can’t imagine so many calls about a monkey ad
All of them coming anonymously but I still get mad
I never thought I’d get my number trolled on Craigslist spam
But everyone’s calling me saying, “Can I have your monkeys, ma’am?”

Want chimps in swimsuits, they want chimps dressed up like a maid
They ask their ages, and if I’ll send them postage-paid.
They want to know if, I take Paypal or strictly cash
And if they come with, a pair of cymbals that they crash

There are not any monkeys. We do not have them here.
Our store quit selling monkeys in August of last year.
We held a monkey sale, but we priced them far too low.
You simply can’t imagine how fast bargain monkeys go.
We sent a local flyer, but things soon got out of hand.
Our little ad went viral, and we could not meet demand.
Before we’d even opened, I peeked out at the throng,
A wall of eager monkey shoppers seven miles long.
They pounded on the windows. They rattled our front gates.
It felt just like Black Friday, but centered ’round primates.
At eight o’clock we opened and the mob came pouring in,
And snatched up all the monkeys from our monkey clearance bin.
Some people did not get one, and then the fights broke out,
With angry shoppers screeching, and flinging poo about.
They clambered on our counters, jumped up and down in carts.
We fled to layaway to get the tranquilizer darts.
We fired them at customers, which quieted them down.
We called the cops for help and they sent every car in town.
So next time you go shopping, recall this little verse:
There are not any monkeys, but humans act much worse.

Holy mother of god that is brilliant! That is EXACTLY the children’s story I wanted. That’s absolutely amazing… I just read it out loud to drmk while she was cooking dinner, and she was blown away too.

I have an explanation for the semicolon… In other countries, the keyboards may have a different arrangement. I visited Japan, and there were colons where you expect to find the quotes or something like that. So, this person is in fact trying to type on a laptop he stole from a visiting Japanese businessman.