Now, I am in no way an expert on the topic of isolation but what I wanted to do today is offer up my perspective and share with you how I figured out what makes me isolate.

My hope is that you’ll take what you’re about to learn and apply it to your life wherever it makes sense. As much as I wish I had all of the answers you’re looking for I know that the answers you seek, the ones that are going to have the biggest impact on your life, have to come from your own exploring and discovery:)

And to really drive this point home to you, I’ve got a quick story to share.

A couple of nights ago, I was making myself some tea before bed. To be totally honest with you, I’m a hard core coffee drinker (the stronger the better) but lately I’ve been sipping on this licorice mint tea, especially at night when my sweet tooth kicks in.

Anyway, as I pulled the tea bag out of the packaging I noticed the message on its little paper tab.

It said:

“Your strength is your own knowledge.”

And this is exactly what I’m talking about when I say that the answers you’re looking for, the answers that will have the biggest impact on your recovery and your life are going to come directly from you. Your experiences, what you learn, all the methods or ideas you try, even the ones that don’t work are all guiding you towards the truth that you seek.

Of course that doesn’t mean that you don’t seek guidance from the world around you. It’s okay to read books, newsletters like this one, watch Youtube videos and take courses. Education is one of the major, and in my opinion, necessary components of any recovery, for sure. But always keep it in the back of your mind that your strength will ultimately come from your own knowledge.

I hope this makes sense:)

Anyway, back to today’s topic – isolation and why we Adult Children of Alcoholics do it.

Once you’ve had a chance to read, I’d love for you to share your thoughts and insights with me in the comment section below.

Tell me what makes you isolate, if you do. Even if you’ve never thought about the why or the what before, think about it now and share what you discover in the comment section. There’s no judgment here, this is all about exploring.

Remember your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

Until Next Tuesday,

xx-dawn

Here’s The Big Picture On Isolation

To give you a big picture idea of what isolation is all about, I wanted to share a quick blurb from an article I found online. This one speaks in general about the many qualities and traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics or ACOAs. Here’s what the author of the article, Dr. Tian Dayton, wrote about isolation for ACOAs:

People who have felt traumatized may have a tendency to isolate and withdraw into themselves when they are feeling vulnerable. They have learned to recoil into a personless world and take refuge in avoiding connection. Isolation is also a feature of depression. Unfortunately the more we isolate, the more out of practice (we) become at making connections with people, which can further isolate us.

So as you can see not only is isolation an actual thing in the ACOA world but it’s also not an uncommon thing. Basically, what I wanted you to see is that even if you isolate and you feel alone, you’re really not alone in that experience.

Here’s What Isolation Looks Like For Me

The best way for me to describe my behavior when I isolate is to say that I become like an island that’s shut itself off from the outside world.

I get in this space where I stop interacting with life in every imaginable way. I cancel plans, I lose interest and overall I just feel disconnected. In many ways, for me, isolating feels a lot like they way I feel when I’m depressed.

But here’s where I get stuck as an ACOA, I’m terrified of meeting new people. Like nearly every other ACOA that I’ve ever met, I have severe trust issues. And I know it’s because of my ACOA background and this quiet assumption I carry around in my head that people in my adult life will reject me in the same harsh and heartless ways that my drunk, abusive parents did when I was younger.

As the days turned into months here in Houston, I could feel myself melting into my usual isolation patterns. So, in an effort to shake things up and get out of my funk I signed up for a dance class that would have been less than a 10 minute drive from my apartment.

But as I already shared, I never went to any of the classes – not a single one!

Looking back at that situation now I’m able to explore why I decided not to go. Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, my need to remain isolated grew right out of the fear that I had about the people I would’ve met. In my head I already decided that they would’ve rejected me in the same horribly grand way my alcoholic parents did when I was younger.

For me, there’s something about being in a new situation, with new people, where I’m learning something new, aka being vulnerable, that causes me to pull back and away from my life and isolate.

Now this isn’t the one and only reason why but I just wanted to give you an idea of how I made this one connection in my life.

How To Answer The Question, What Makes Us, ACOAs, Want To Isolate?

So to answer the question, what makes us, Adult Children of Alcoholics, want to isolate? I’d say the answer for me was the fear of being vulnerable. In my case, I decided that the pain I associated with getting out and meeting new people was too much so, instead, I chose to not get out at all. I guess you could even say that isolating was a way for me to protect myself even if what I thought I was protecting myself from was completely imagined or just a reflexive reaction to things I’d experienced years ago at the hands of my parents.

Unfortunately, from that point forward the isolation just took on a life of its own. Where at first I was afraid of other people judging me or lashing out at me, instead, I ended up doing all that nasty stuff to myself, in my own head. Which of course only fed the cycle of isolation. Which makes me wonder if, more often than not, it’s not the outside world that I necessarily need to protect myself from but that I need to be more conscious of how I treat myself and the thoughts I indulge in my head.

Upon closer reflection I realize that those thoughts, ideas and beliefs are not my own but the old beliefs, thoughts, opinions and perceptions of my drunk parents. And they’re only a reflection of the environment I grew up in and not necessarily a reflection of the world I live in today.

So, if you want to get a clearer picture of what makes you isolate then I suggest you find a quiet place, grab your journal or open a fresh doc on your computer. From there try to think through your isolation patterns, because I bet if you look hard enough you’ll discover the patters in your behavior. What do you think about when you isolate? What do you keep repeating to yourself over and over again? What do you do when you isolate? Where do you go? Where are your favorite places to hide? Who do you avoid? What do you avoid doing? Do you tend to isolate from the real or the imagined? What triggers you? How do you know when you’re not isolating? What kind of emotional, mental or physical traumas live in your background?

Remember, there are no right or wrong answers here. You don’t need to share what you type out or scribble down on paper with anyone. This is purely for your own examination and ongoing exploration. And always remember:

“Your strength is your own knowledge.”

It’s one thing to understand isolation from a purely text book point point of view but to truly understand isolation in your life and in your world you need to understand YOU.

Comments

Enjoyed the information on isolation. Isolation is a default position for me…it feels like a safe place for me where I can go and control my environment. I feel emotionally stronger when I am there. It is a place I go to when overwhelmed by situations where I am uncomfortable or don’t know what do do. I re-organize my thiughts and figure out the best way to handle whatever situation put me there. The sad part is I can go to this isolation state for long periods of time. I am not depressed but I don’t feel that I can ask anyone or trust anyone to answer or discuss my concerns. I usually clean (almost obsessively), organize and keep busy with knitting, quilting, reading, spending time with my horse and my dog. It is my safe world where it is all good. Hope this makes sense.

My tiny home is a temple of solitude and safety, situated in the ‘boondocks’ at the end of a long dirt road, I’m similar to Leslie in that I also clean, organize, and keep busy with sewing, pottery, drumming and spending time with my dogs. I don’t trust people, because people are deceitful and manipulative, and after years of trying to connect with others, only to be burned over and over again, I don’t trust my ability to discern who to trust and who not to, it’s just simply easier, and more peaceful, to be on my own. I’ve tried being in relationships with men, but I never feel comfortable in their company, I feel ugly, fat and stupid around men, and I carefully weigh out what I’m going to say and do when I’m around others because I don’t want to be judged, mistreated or rejected. I isolate entirely out of fear and a strong urge to feel safe. Any social gathering that I force myself to go to, out of a desire to feel “normal”, fills me with anxiety to the point where it’s just not worth it to me. I was the scapegoated black sheep of my family, the one who was “too sensitive” and I can see that same pattern of being blamed and scapegoated in almost every job experience and personal relationship. I know people will likely gossip about me for not showing up, but it’s better that than risking being abused again.

I hear you Jen and I identify with that feeling of being let down so many times by others that you no longer know who to trust and even if you can trust yourself trusting other people. Have you ever heard of there term emotional empath? Judith Orloff wrote a great book about emotional empaths, you may want to check out her book or her site at – http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/emotional-empath-EF.htm

I am a professional in behavioral health and recently went to a training where many of us related to this isolation behavior. For me the paradox is the more I live in my head trying to make sense of why I isolate, the less I really understand. When I do get out, 99% of the time I’m glad I did. I even went through a bout of feeling weird in the crowd experiences and have to say I’m glad I did it. I learned that people are different and that ultimately there ended up being others in this regular social group who had the same experience as me. We broke away and formed our own group. Even so, Year after year I wish I was closer to extended family and that I spent more time with family in general. I know my isolation from family and friends I love is from being in an addictive family. One parent told me all the family secrets, that sewed seeds of distrust and alienatio mixed with episodes of great love.. The other was the charismatic functioning alcoholic who everyone looked up to. I was supposed to be into the interests he wamyed me to do. Other times he’d tell me I can be anything I want to be. So, didn’t trust that it was ok to want what I wanted and only in adulthood have I gained a semblance of discipline. This lack of discipline contributes to my feeling different as an adult from normies, so I isolate for that reason at times.

Hey Dawn, as usual, I totally relate to this! For me, isolation is what I knew growing up so it’s only natural that I am drawn to living like this as a grownup. For a long time, I thought that was a very bad thing. I always look at other people who are constantly having get togethers and being out and about. I feel I should be living exactly like that. But the reality is that those people and I want different things in life. For them, these social activities are their hobbies; they are hanging out with the people they want to spend time with and doing things they want to do. I don’t want to do those things! My ACoA experience makes me simply want to spend my time differently. I am busy with work and passion projects. I don’t have time to be ultra social with people who have different goals and interests. I’m done feeling guilty for living differently from most people! Maybe my tendency to spend more time alone than most people isn’t that I don’t want to be with people, it’s that I don’t have the right kind of people around me. Maybe the reason you didn’t go to the dance class isn’t that you’re not social, it’s that you’d rather be creating something for Growing Up Chaotic and connecting with other ACoAs and people who share similar interests?

I loved your answer, Jody, it’s an empowered perspective that I thought about for part of the day, and I agree with you…I’m not inclined to attend many social events, but when there is a workshop or event involving drumming, I’m there! It occurred to me today that are up sides to being an ACOA, certain skills we use for survival that are helpful, such as the ability to be alone and enjoy ones own company-as a result, all of my meaningful relationships with the small group of people I feel safe with, are authentic relationships. Neither one of us is there to avoid being “alone”. The difference between quality solo time and isolation is a sense of either expansion or contraction…when I’m in contraction mode, it is unhealthy isolation, when I’m feeling expansive, it’s high quality creative “passion projects” time. Such a great comment! It got me thinking in new ways…thanks Jody Lamb!

Wow Jody! So true, I didn’t think of it that way. Thanks for sharing your insights and for giving me something to think about. When I first moved to Houston, a friend of mine, who is ultra social, asked me after I’d only been here for a few weeks if I’d made any friends yet. And I answered honestly and told her no because I hadn’t met anyone new yet. But I guess in a way that kind of bothered me because I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong. Maybe I should’ve been meeting people by then and making all of these friends. But then I remembered that that’s an area where she and I differ. It takes me longer to connect and that’s okay. I have to keep reminding myself of that:)