How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.

The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed,"I think Mummy ate it!"

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target...

Dear Mrs. Samuel,Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to banboth of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in otherpeople's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employeeto leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..(paramedics for the uninitiated )

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12 October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target...

Dear Mrs. Samuel,Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to banboth of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in otherpeople's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employeeto leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..(paramedics for the uninitiated )

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12 October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Hey! I'm gonna sue you for reading and copying private letters! Except for changing the names, this looks exactly like the letter my wife received last year!

Hey! I'm gonna sue you for reading and copying private letters! Except for changing the names, this looks exactly like the letter my wife received last year!

I'll change the subject then. Do not let your wife tell you that you are ... a frog!---------------------------------------

A Frog Joke

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Harry:

Harry walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Harry said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Harry what he had...Harry said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Harry to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Harry what he had. Harry said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Harry a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Harry to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Harry sitting patiently in the nude and asked Harry what he had.

Harry said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'Harry said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

When I was a kid our preacher used to come by and visit his congregation during the week. These were unannounced visits and my dad usually had to hide his beer behind the sofa until the reverend left. The expanding gasses in the old-style tin cans used to make popping sounds. Mom said the devil was causing the beer to tell on him.

Once my mom asked the preacher how he timed his sermons so precisely. The preacher said, "Well, it's an old trick. You pop a cough drop in your mouth before you begin, and when it's dissolved, it's time to wrap it up."

My dad, who apparently was well in his cups that day, said, "Well, last Sunday you must have have been suckin on a goddam button because I thought you were never goin to quit."

Author of Redneck Buddhism: or Will You Reincarnate as Your Own Cousin?

Anxious to finally get the porch painted, I urged by husband to allow the man that knocked on our door looking for handiwork to do the job.

The man happily agreed to paint it for $50. We were thrilled at our good luck of getting our wide porch painted for a measly $50.

Minutes later there was a knock at the door. “All done” he said. “Already?” we both said at once.

“Yeah, and by the way, it’s a Lexus not a Porsche”.

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Ireland, and even though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!

It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking.

As the night rolled on cars were scarce, and no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him. Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel.

All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve.

Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, rolls out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town. Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar, asks for two shots of whiskey and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but > clearly not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement one says to the other.

"Look Mick, that's the a*****e that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

MISER'S FINAL WISHThere was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

====================================PUB STEAKOUTThe policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car. Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?" To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter Janet's plane to land.

Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. Janet introduced this man as her new husband.

Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, 'I said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!'

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---