August 30, 2011

1. Blanket. [i have a real love and admiration for MJ, i do. but i am envisioning some sort of Lynus kid with little to no hair sucking his thumb at 40.]

2. Heavenly. [but what if she isn’t so heavenly? what if she turns out to be a raging bitch who isn’t pleasing to the eye either? what happens then?]

3. Bear. [if this child turns out to be gay he’s either going to be the queen of WeHo or a permanent resident in County. he’ll be overjoyed either way.]

4. Sage Moonblood. [if you have an affinity for the Twilight series and dream of your offspring picking up where that legacy left off…be my guest.]

5. Pirate. [what, do i look like a pirate to you? {lips smack} if you can cite this movie quote and your name doesn’t start with a k in nyc i will do something really nice for you. maybe.]

6. Seven. [i actually debate with myself about this. as a Seinfeld connoisseur i believe there is some lovely irony in naming your child a number but then i think what if he’s in math class and the answer to the problem is seven and then the teacher says yes to Seven’s politely raised hand…yes, Seven…you know the answer…uh…seven? so confusing. let’s not make those teachers work harder than they already do. they make $2.75 per hour for goodness sakes.]

7. Diva Thin Muffin. [wait. i can be an over-the-top lunatic of a female who eats muffins all day while worrying about weight the rest of my life cause i’m trying to live up to the dumb ass name my parents gave me at birth? sign me up.]

8. Zuma. [this kid is going to be cool no matter what they call her because her mother Gwen is a rock star and fashion icon. however, i can picture a keg party and 30 drunk teenagers asking her to pass the Zima and giggling ’til they black out.]

9. Hero. [if you plan on setting a building on fire and having your youngster run into it to save some farret or something then okay…let’s do it. he’ll have a story and live up to the name. otherwise i believe this may be creating a tiny winy itsy bitsy little polka dotty psychological complex.]

10. Kyd. [i’ve heard of people naming their pets things like “kitty” and pup” but where’s the imagination? not to mention how we should put this little guy on a playground with 100 other children of all ages and then start yelling his name. thank you David & Téa. truly anawesome sociology experiment.]

August 29, 2011

10 Rules for Online Dating:

1. whomever initiates messages is the alpha. [there are loopholes to this but for the most part true. if you are the one to message someone first, typically you like them more than they like you and you might as well be in high school memorizing their class schedule and trying to accidentally run into them at their locker.]

2. mix up the pics. [i know most people in cities like los angeles have headshots but if it’s the only thing that’s up there you might as well shout “this is the best i’ll ever look!” so mix it up. we need shots of you in a crappy t-shirt or when you just woke up. we’ll never be disappointed when we lay eyes on you for the very first time. a pleasant surprise is always a good thing.]

3. read the questions and answers. [profiles are for suckers. anyone can write anything in that section and they usually do. the real nuggets are the questions that people answer off the cuff while eating a huge cookie in their underwear. they don’t think about these as carefully and this is where the candor lies.]

4. no pen-pals. [messages for weeks with no date planned do not a potential partner make. one of you needs to gather those cajones and ask the other person out. sooner than later.]

5. don’t obsess. [just because someone is on the dating site every minute of every day doesn’t mean they are looking. they could be changing their profile, answering more questions, checking messages or just left it up on their computer and walked away. stop worrying about it. the way they eat one pea at a time during dinner is something you might want to focus on.]

6. have a backup plan. [if my date is a superbly scary one i text my best friend a “911” message and she immediately calls me yelling some crazy verbiage about her mom dying or a flood in her apartment and how she needs me right away. you have to leave the date immediately to go help her handle the situation. he doesn’t know she lives 3000 miles away.]

7. let them know. [we don’t know you like us because you laugh and smile at our jokes. a hand on a leg…a few compliments…and definitely don’t be in a rush to end the date. if your date doesn’t get it by then they are obtuse.]

8. follow up. [after the first blind date text, email, call, something. no dating games where you wait 6 days or something similar you saw in a 90s movie. let her know you like her cause i’ll bet my good head of hair that she isn’t sure and might just lose interest herself.]

9. know what you want and say it. [if you aren’t sure you want a relationship or if you are generally emotionally stunted and know it, that’s okay. just say so somewhere on your profile please. and if you don’t want to do that because it scares people away, you shouldn’t be on a dating site. go pick up a girl in a bar and call it a night.]

10. there are amazing women online. [if you have read and agree with all of the above my username is TracyA44. can’t wait to meet you.]

August 26, 2011

10 Things that Make Me Jealous:

1. girls with natural fashion sense. [i don’t think anyone would accuse me of being completely deficient in this arena but there’s a lot of room for improvement. women that know their body type and stay ahead of fashion trends boggle my mind. what school did they go to for this? i know there’s a Hogwarts FIDM somewhere out there that only certain ladies get invited to and i am feeling left out.]

3. comedians. [i think a lot of these people hate themselves but that’s irrelevant. we all love to make people laugh. there’s a residual factor of desiring popularity in grade school and i acquiesce.]

4. dog owners. [if i had the time i’d strut around with a dog twice my size and enjoy every slobbery sweet moment of it. i want doggy. send pictures.]

5. pro golfers. [these guys and gals have it made. they have mastered a sport that’s basically impossible and make millions doing it. they spend all day outside playing golf on stunning courses all over the world and have therapists who assist them with patience and anger management. my parents chose gymnastics over golf lessons when i was 3.]

6. her. [remember that whole unrequited love thing mentioned in my “[sniffle]” post? mmm hmmm. i am not expounding on this no matter how much money you offer. try me. okay 60 grand but no less.]

7. couples just falling in love. [it’s definitely the best part and the reason we endure the agony of dating. i know this is something that will happen to me again ~ possibly more than once ~ but i can still be jealous while on my love hiatus.]

8. girls who just don’t care. [i am starting to think it’s a genetic thing like heavyset women who have ballerina arms. i want to breeze through life knowing everything will turn out fine and dandy while looking lovely the entire time. alternatively, i am just grateful Xanax was invented.]

9. rural dwellers. [ah the simple life. no mad rushes to get somewhere after the 405 was jammed from 2 accidents and a road-rage shootout. no idiotic guys who were born and raised in LA and therefore have the emotional capacity of a 9 year old. homes that one can actually pay off in 30 years. pure envy.]

10. inventors of random things. [since i was about 10 and saw the movie Cocktail i have dreamed of coming up with the next drink umbrella that will allow me to travel the world and never work again. any ideas? promise i won’t tell…]

August 25, 2011

10 Movies America Kind of Liked that I Loved:

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. [similar to the more recent Blue Valentine, this film incapsulates those marvelous moments of love discovered and then love slowly disintegrating. poetically executed with an original plot where people can erase the excruciating memories of passion lost, this is still one of my favs of this decade.]

2. Secretary. [we’re all different and we all connect to different bizarre things. i just relish in the fact that this movie understands this concept and embraces it. love comes in all forms and it’s communicable through film no matter who you are.]

3. The Insider. [Russell Crowe’s crowning glory in my humble opinion. this movie transforms a gladiator into a pasty, frightened, simple man who simply wants his dignity. a lovely grainy quality and a pure raw aesthetic give it the finishing touches. even Al Pacino doesn’t annoy me in this.]

4. Lost in Translation. [any movie that makes me want to go to Japan gets a big thumbs up. long pauses and silences where you least expect them ~ karaoke music and traffic sounds where there should be quiet = brilliant. i feel lonely and lost every time i watch this film and that’s the whole point.]

5. A History of Violence. [no, unlike War of the Worlds this was intentionally supposed to resemble two directors splitting a film between them. campy and full of fun and surprises i think Viggo’s choices should always be trusted.]

6. Monster’s Ball. [jesus Halle Barry is hot. oh and there’s a good message here too. wait…she’s naked on the floor. let’s talk about that later. i like boys. i swear.]

7. Fight Club. [doesn’t any intelligent human being want to destroy all consumerism, beat the living daylights out of people, and become a legend in the minds of millions? am i nuts?]

8. The Dark Knight. [Nolan is a genius and so was Heath L. i love Jack but this rendition makes his version of the Joker look like a cartoon. dark, primal and completely unapologetic, this movie exceeds all previous Batman’s in my opinion. now if we could just get Christian B. to zip it with that stupid Batman voice we’d have a miracle.]

9. Unbreakable. [i get a lot of shit for still complimenting M. Knight but i believe there is much to be said for his style. Mr. Ego Maniac may not know the first thing about ending a movie or working as a cohesive unit, but he sure knows angles and emotions manifested through a lens. use of color and archetypes bring this comic book based movie to life and have you ever seen a villain more vulnerable and three-dimensional? doubt it.]

10. Catfish. [don’t know if it’s true, don’t care in the slightest. just watching Nev laugh uncontrollably under the covers as he exposes his most private “sext” messages to the camera is worth the 87 minutes.]

August 24, 2011

1. animals or inanimate objects being seriously injured. [that’s correct ~ humans dying doesn’t do it for me. cartoon animals, robots, and random objects are much more effective. from a dog (I Am Legend) to a volleyball (Cast Away) it’s concerning.]

2. babies being born. [i give myself a break for the birth of children to people i know, but strangers? i swear you put a Youtube video in front of me with some absurd bathtub birthing scene and i am a goner for at least half an hour.]

3. the IRS. [taxes and the abhorrent reality of being a 1099 contract worker. somebody save me.]

4. music. [a friend of mine cried at Hitch. i can’t figure this out except maybe the melodies were good? i know that was my problem with Mr. Holland’s Opus.]

5. unrequited love. [this type of shit kills and turns our hearts into tracing paper. once again, some Higher Power out there is in stitches watching as i read my old journals and dissolve into mush on my hardwood floor.]

6. being dunked. [i love the water and am an avid swimmer so this has always been a mystery. if you love me or even like me a little, please don’t dunk my head under water. did i drown in a past life?]

7. stepping on my cat. [i am aware they aren’t hurt but GOD that initial shriek that can only come out of the tiny mouth of a kitty whose paw was just smushed by a Jimmy Choo is traumatic.]

8. The Time Traveler’s Wife. [book not movie and that’s imperative. she’s known him her whole life and has loved him forever and it’s all going to end and they know it but they don’t know when and he wants to control it but he can’t and they want a baby more than anything but he is terrified of the dangerous possibilities and he’s always disappearing but she could never love anyone else and…sigh. nothing makes me feel more female.]

9. paper cuts. [i am such a wimp with these little bastards. just chop my finger off at the knuckle.]

10. golf. [violently flinging clubs, stomping out a divot, and chucking balls into the woods is all part of a downward spiral that eventually results in a pitifully choked sob.]

August 21, 2011

10 Places I’d Love to Live:

1. barcelona, spain. [half of my heritage is from Spain so i have a particular affinity towards this country for sure. when i was a mere 15 years old, i went to spain and lived there for the better part of a summer. it was a miserable experience of Spaniards who felt Americans were literally retarded – the exception being Barcelona. a city full of astounding architecture, art, culture and people who live life to its fullest. a sublime city]

2. bar harbor, maine. [inexpensive fresh lobster 24~7 and a village that wants to welcome everyone with open arms and a beer. there’s even a theater company that gets butts in the seats and doesn’t desecrate the words of playwrights everywhere. pure ecstasy.]

3. vancouver, canada. [the “emerald city.” breathtaking structures, mind blowing food, and free healthcare. you don’t have to lock your door and you certainly don’t have to worry about obtuse people not smiling back at you. dare you to play devil’s advocate.]

4. martha’s vineyard, massachusetts. [martha’s vineyard is an island lost in time. hitchhiking to get across the island is the norm for anyone under 25 and the people who call this haven their permanent home want nothing more than a garden of peace, quiet and love. i am positive i would inadvertently stop shaving if i lived there.]

5. napa valley, california. [spectacular vineyards and food that influences the menus of Michelin rated restaurants everywhere. if we could all rally and get california real estate prices to suddenly plummet…]

7. austin, texas. [a movement has been evolving in Austin. did you hear about it? youth at its best. people under 35 who are changing the face of entrepreneurship, music, culture, and community. your creativity would expand exponentially just by being in the vicinity for more than a month.]

8. kauai, hawaii. [one of my best friends spent her honeymoon here and i can’t stop dreaming about it ever since. i visualize a hike and a waterfall and me finding the answers to life after death in kauai.]

9. west village, new york. [i went to NYU and let me just say, it’s different now. i speak of this particular part of manhattan because it’s the one most evolved. families, niche restaurants, eclectic lounges and a modern boardwalk populate this small part of the island now and if it weren’t so goddamn overpriced i’d be there in a heartbeat.]

10. taos, new mexico. [my one true love. expansive skies that push your heart straight into the ground – in a good way. red clay hills juxtaposed with grassy knolls that reflect the sunlight. food that exceeds all other regions of the planet Earth. people that believe in the simple life but also embrace its complexities. i can hardly wait to discover my home there someday.]

August 18, 2011

1. apologizing to strangers for no reason. [one of my best friends does this too and we both despise it. i am not sorry for stepping into the elevator next to you. i am not sorry for taking too long in the grocery store line. i am not sorry. just half Jewish and guilt-ridden about everything.]

2. being too honest on a first date. [candor is important but i wish there was a device that could make me shut my mouth until date 6 or 7. whenever someone asks me a question i just answer it. there is an art to dating and i haven’t graduated past stick figures.]

3. smoking. [i feel having a vice is a positive thing but why did my 17 year-old self pick this one? yuck.]

4. hanging onto friends that are a waste of my energy. [gotten much better about disposing of these relationships but it still happens from time to time. the exhaustion of dealing with either their a.) negativity or b.) constant need to tell me what would improve my life leaves me wondering why i can’t seem to make this a permanent change.]

5. being nervous. [there are only a few situations where i get super nervous yet i feel there is no need. why i am shaking while walking into a blind date is beyond me. do i sincerely believe that they could be a serial killer? with all the internet stalking i do before we meet i think the fear is completely unwarranted.]

6. talking about money. [i’ve gotten better about this with each passing year but it stills pops up way too often. no one wants to hear about your money crap, good or bad. trust me.]

7. playing video poker when i should be working. [it’s free and fun and uses my brain but it’s a pointless activity and i want a parental control to set on my laptop that will prevent this silly time sucker.]

8. dating guys who just aren’t that into me. [i like to challenge myself everyday and this seems to be no exception. like many women out there i somehow feel i can forcibly win them over with persistence and charm. so dumb.]

9. working on the weekends. [i enjoy my job more than many, but what the hell am i doing? i wish i would just give myself one whole weekend with absolutely nothing to do. next week’s productivity would most likely soar and i’d be nicer.]

10. asking married and/or partnered people for dating advice. [these people aren’t single so why would they be a good source of advice or positive constructive criticism? really, i think they are just spouting jargon they’ve seen on t.v. or qualities they wish their significant other possessed. not helpful.]

August 17, 2011

1. advertising exec. [i’d milk this for all it’s worth and pretend i was in Madmen until someone reminded me that smoking indoors hasn’t been legal for over a decade.]

2. A-list actor. [great fun on set, constant attention from millions, money to do whatever i want. then i’d get tired of the paparazzi car chases and bored with hating myself.]

3. food critic. [throw around a few words like “flavor profiles” and “texture contrast” and you’ve won a real excuse to be fat and pretentious and i love it.]

4. mom. [someday i might actually sign a contract for this position, but for now a month of the snuggling and feeling important because i can sustain another life would probably be good enough.]

5. lesbian. [this isn’t a job but i’d like to give it a brief go. i bet it’s better.]

6. interior designer. [get hired by some fancy people in los angeles, totally wreck their house with a trendy new 80’s theme, let them pay their bill, and then casually never see them again. sign me up.]

8. host of the Bachelorette. [i’d ask all the heartfelt questions and listen intently to our chosen lady, then flirt with all the bachelors and tell them how eligible and amazing i am.]

9. winery owner. [walking through dew coated fields of grapes and making decisions about varietal combinations? getting drunk at sunset every night in Napa Valley or Tuscany? brilliant.]

10. SYTYCD judge. [i can envision being very articulate about why i love these young phenoms and how they’ve changed the face of dance forever…but really i want to sucker punch Katie H. next time she makes an appearance.]

August 15, 2011

1. War of the Worlds. [oh? you say only one director worked on this movie? i am so confused.]

2. The English Patient. [so long. so boring. so long. i love romantic movies but this one doesn’t bring on the warm and fuzzies. it brings on the narcolepsy.]

3. The Royal Tenenbaums. [i like some things Wes Anderson does (mmm Rushmore), but this was just plain pretentious and annoying. who cares about these people? nothing irks me more than a bunch of celebrities thrown into a movie with very little plot. that was a shout out to you Valentine’s Day.]

4. Bridget Jones’s Diary. [i have always wanted to like her ever since Jerry McGuire but i just can’t. those squinty eyes and those puffy cheeks really freak me out.]

5. Titanic. [yes i was astounded at the graphics. if you remember, this type of cgi was new and brilliant at that point. other than that, didn’t feel much. really enjoyed watching people fly off a sideways Titanic and wanted more of that.]

6. King Kong. [aside from the fact that every time i see an animal in danger in a movie it makes me bawl more than my divorce, most of this movie was overdone in my opinion. why the desperate need to remake anything and everything?]

7. Luhrmann’s Romeo & Juliet. [the best way to ruin a classic that should never be touched? put Baz on the case. guns and loud music do not Romeo & Juliet make. disgraceful.]

8. Chicago. [i’m sorry but if you’ve ever seen a Broadway show you will understand that these cannot be replicated. by anyone. ever. i appreciate the attempt and admit it was better than Evita, but i can’t say it was good.]

9. Precious. [terrible life, tragic situation, heartwarming character, yes, yes, yes. bludgeon me over the head until i give in and squeeze out a tear. thanks for the head trauma.]

10. Shakespeare in Love. [an Academy Award? oh yeah, most of the movies that win those suck. momentarily forgot.]