All the wit of a Bathroom Stall. All the organization of the Internet.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Fox Hunting.

(Another unedited version of a Whitworthian Article)

Darkness. Silence. Suddenly, both are shattered by a driving, bombastic, drumbeat and a fiery explosion. Nay! Two fiery explosions, with a flaming implosion thrown in for good measure! Amongst the dank corners of a musty tower, evil men plot dirty deeds (and they’re done dirt cheap.) We know they’re evil, because they wear black, have masks, and speak in cultured British Accents.

Suddenly, the wall behind the evildoers explodes inwards, shattering brick and mortar. As the dust clears, the villainous villains are stunned to see a middle-aged man in a suit and tie. The mysterious intruder grips a giant mace. The mace slices through the air, on the end of a massive rusted chain, bludgeoning two ninjas and a pirate.

The man turns to the camera, and arches an eyebrow. “I’m Brit Hume,”

He pauses to shoot a terrorist with a flamethrower.

“And this… is Fox News.”

To the tune of Carl Orff’s ‘O Fortuna’ a giant 3D Fox News logo, wreathed in flames, soars down from the heavens and lands with a reverberating clap of thunder.

This is how Fox News starts a report on, say, the economic effects of cotton tariffs.

Perhaps this is what makes Fox the most hated news organization since the Stall Street Journal.

Critics charge Fox News with being sensationalistic, jingoistic, narcissistic, and even, at times, capitalistic. The horror. The horror.

The conflict between Fox News and the traditional media is simply another front in the Culture War. It’s just like any other war, except instead of land, they fight for ideas, instead of mustard gas, they have Nielsen Ratings, instead of machine guns, they have microphones. Wait, scratch that. Fox still has machine guns.

That’s compared to the New York Times, a newspaper steeped in Goatee-Stroking Concern that regularly spends hundreds of pages lamenting the deforesting of America. They have a section called the Arts, where they might devote 3000 words to psychoanalyzing a moldy coffee can splattered with gopher blood. “The artist’s use of neo-surrealist overtones in the coffee ground stains are eruditely characterized by an effete use of tangential orphism. Yes, yes. Pass the caviar, good man.” Think… Oregon.

Fox News, if it paused from its Aruba coverage long enough to touch on it, would do the same story in fifteen seconds, but it would have its own theme song, sound effect, and Alarming Graphic: KILLER COFFEE CARNAGE CRISIS.

A word like ‘crisis’ is a necessary part of an effective Alarming Graphic. Trouble in Tasmania! Catastrophe in Colfax! Oopsy-Daisy in Ohio!

Critics also charge that Fox is a bit weighted on the pro-American (therefore, Republican) side. You know, just because they manage fit in a grandiosely waving American Flag in every single graphic they produce (including the one for the story on the French Revolution) Just because Geraldo happens to wear underwear sown from the Original Star-Spangled banner. Just because that dreamy American Sean Hannity is so much studlier than namby-pamby Alan Colmes. And just because they label America ‘US’ on their maps, and the rest of countries ‘THEM,’

The most infuriating part for many, however, is that Fox is owned by an incredibly wealthy man named Rupert Murdoch.

Is that a villainous name or what? ‘Rupert’ sounds like the name of a 19th Century Robber Baron who would bet his workers’ limbs in games of Poker. And the he’d peer through a Monocle.

And Murdoch sounds like a name you’d find in one of those novels with an airbrushed Night Elf slaying a Dragon on the cover. “The Dark Lord Murdoch sinisterly brought the soul of the slain water nymph, Te’Dturner, to his blackened lips, refueling his twisted undead powers,”

Worst of all, he owns most of the media, including Fox news, the New York Post, MySpace.com, the Springfield Shopper, and even the Whitworthia---

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Pure Media Shun.

Note: Since this article is dealing with Bias and Inaccuracy in Media, we here at the Whitworthian understand it is pivotal that the aforementioned article not be tainted by any facts. Any facts that slip through will be summarily executed by our team of crack fact-checkers

I don’t know about you, but when I was a preteen, I had glossy posters of all my idols sticky-tacked to my bedroom wall. You know, Peter Jennings, Wolf Blitzer, Geraldo Rivera, Ron Burgandy and Richard Brown.

It was those heroes in the media who nicked Nixon, depantsed Clinton, and got the skinny on Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Thanks to the ever-vigilant voyeurism of the media, no politician’s gaffe goes unpunished, no celebrity’s flub goes uncaptured, no Attractive Young Middle Class White Woman’s Murder goes unprobed.

In fact some consider the Media America’s Fourth Estate, mainly because Ted Turner earns so much land.

One must heed what the Bible says, however: With Great Power comes Great Responsibility. (1 Parker 4:17)

As anybody who has taken Writing for Mass Media knows, the judicious journalist cannot allow his own personal bias to creep into his writing. “The proper term is ‘Mayor of Spokane’” my teacher would say, “not ‘Chief Doody-head’” (It later turned out he was a doody-head, but that’s beside the point)

That nagging suspicion remains however. What if the media isn’t just a group of mindless automatons, spitting out Impartial Facts and Objective Truth. What if it is composed of men and women like you and me, with their own opinions and presuppositions and idiosyncrasies?

I have some Objective Truth and Impartial Fact for you: The Media is Biased. How do I know this? Because they sometimes the “facts” they report disagree with my opinions. Most of the Media is biased towards moral equivalence and liberal orthodoxy. Fox News is biased towards being totally awesome. The Whitworthian is biased towards typos. (The Whitworthian had a display in the HUB with a quote about the power of the press from “Newies.” Ah yes, Newies. It must be the forthcoming prequel to the Disney flick , Newsies.”)

But a topic this pivotal, this self-aggrandizing, cannot be contained within the puny walls of a single article! In the first of this two part series we shall examine Liberal Media Bias, and in the second, Fox News Bias.

Instead of calling a person who blows up a bus in a crowded market a terrorist, the media chooses to call him an “insurgent” or a “freedom fighter” or a “rambunctious youth” or a “guy who had a bad case of the Mondays.”

They don’t want to make any value statements. And so everything is equal, there is no right and wrong, and with just a little bit a love and a whole lot of understanding, we could buy the world a coke and teach the world to sing.

“The Military Domain of Slaughtervokya may be in their twenty-seventh year of famine, disease, and genocidal civil war, but America has their own troubles with, like, Medicare and stuff,” the media says, “Who are we to judge which way is better!”

The way with fewer heads on bloodied pikes, I would presume.

Of course, all this wonderfully nuanced unpartisan talks dies down when it comes to social and political issues.

Polls indicate that in the 2004 Presidential election 70% percent of journalists voted for John Kerry, 17% voted for Noam Chomsky, and the remaining 13% voted for Bill Clinton.

They sure love that guy.

Unfortunately, sometimes this bias manifests itself subtly, like a pimple poking its red head bashfully through your forehead. A given economic indicator during the tyrannical reign of commander-in-thief George W. Bush might be described as “ominous” “frumpy” or “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” But that same economic data during the fun-loving, idyllic Clinton-topia years might be described as “effervescent” or “swanky.”

Presuppositions also dictate how closely a journalist will doubt a source. An informant revealing flaws in a liberal program (like Social Security or the Presbyterian Church) will be fact-checked, double-checked, analyzed, scrutinized, interrogated, denigrated, and cavity searched. For stories involving the bumbles of Bush’s buddies, however, the media prefers to use unnamed sources, meaning bumper stickers they saw on the way to work, magic 8 balls, or Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

“A high placed administrative source who asked not to be named described America’s foreign policy as “Visionary and nuanced… for [him] to poop on!”

There’s also the question of whether journalists can accurately report news in places like Iraq, when most of what they do is sit in the Baghdad Hotel and watch Al-Jehami, the Wonder Camel on Iraqi cable. “Troubling developments,” therefore, means stale food at the continental breakfast, “disappointing progress” means that the temperature of the Jacuzzi is subpar and “quagmire” means that the toilet is backed up.

So in this world full of contradictory viewpoints, hazy facts, biases, spin, and outright lies, who are we to believe? Who can truly know right from wrong? Who truly knows what is truth and what is fabrication?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Striking Out

This is an article I was told to write for the Whitworthian, but was not published because they “didn’t want to waste paper.” Fortunately, computer text is cheaper.

Many elements are considered and indispensable part of the word, America . Apple Pie. Fireworks. Greasy all-you-can-eat buffets. Belching Contests. War. But one part of Vintage Americana seems completely antithetical to every American value, to everything our Founding Fathers founded and fathered, to everything our veterans fought and died for on the beaches of Grenada to protect:

Baseball.

It disgusts me. It chills my very marrow, gentle reader.

Calm down. Put down your corked bats and steroid syringes. I will explain shortly, in a scholarly and studied manner. Let us participate in intellectual exchange; let us avoid ad hominem attacks, and ipso facto habeaus corpus fallacies. Let us gently engage one another in the Free Market Place of Ideas, where I show you how I am right and you are a stupid doodyhead.

Some psycho-analytical deconstructionist literary criticisms of this article might opine that the only reason why I have such animosity, such antipathy, such frenzied irrational abhorrence towards baseball is because I “really suck at it.”

I strike out in T-ball. I trip over three out of four bases. I need directions to find home. I fail at spitting sunflower seeds, for goodness sakes.They just kinda dribble out of my mouth, soup from a vending machine. For me to win a baseball game, it would take not only Angels in the Outfield, but Unicorns in the Infield, Pixies in the Dugout, Leprechauns in the stands, and Shiva the Destroyer as my Batboy. Let’s put it this way: If I ever tried out for a baseball team I would be put on the third string of the *Seattle Mariners*.

That’s how mind-blowingly klutzy I am.

But to judge my suppositions merely based on this unfortunate fact would be fallacious. If I hated everything that I was unskilled at, I would hate Football, Golf, Frisbee Football, Frisbee Golf, Basketball, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, and the entire Female Gender.

And some may say that my hatred for Baseball stems from ignorance. That if Baseball and I just sat down talked over our differences over coffee for a few hours, we could come to a mutual understanding that would foster enlightenment and plant a seed of Tolerance that would mature gradually into respect for each other’s cultures and someday, maybe, blossom into a beautiful friendship.

This accusation carries more currency. All I know about baseball I learned watching Adam Torkar (you don’t know him) play Super Nintendo Ken Griffey Jr. Major League Baseball in the fourth grade.

I have embarrassed myself on more than one occasion by saying my favorite Yankees player is “Nancy Kerrigan” (She actually plays for the Detroit Tigers)

I suspect, however, that Baseball will turn out to be like the “Pepperoni” “Pizza” at SAGA. The more you “understand” it, the more contempt you regard it with.

Who knows? Maybe I have a psychological disdain because of my Track Coach father. If I even mentioned Baseball, or if he found a catchers mitt under my mattress, he would beat me with a Pole Vault Pole. (He didn’t use a bat, for obvious reasons.)

My greatest beef with baseball, however, is that it’s boring.

Your average game consists of three hours of standing, two hours of posturing, and- if you’re lucky- a few minutes of scratching.

Of course, baseball fans always reply with “But Daniel, what about that time in the ninth inning, when the bases were loaded, and they were behind by three, and so they sacrificed that goat on the field and then Sammy Sosa turned into the Hulk, but the homerun was knocked away by the Rally Monkey and then Zombie Babe Ruth killed Curt Shilling with that flaming sword! And to top it all off, it was a triple play!”

That was pretty cool, I guess. But not as exciting as say… a Junior High Cross Country Meet.

How can they make baseball more exciting? Simple. Make the field rectangular, the ball bigger, the use of hands illegal, have both teams on the field at the same time, and add nets they have to get the ball into.

Potty Talk: Flags and Sweatshirts

Mac has their garish, assembly-line, 70’s nostalgia Flag. BJ has their Magic-marker smeared-on-an-old-torn-bedsheet-Flag. And yet Warren doesn’t have a single

solitary scrap of cloth to burn in effigy.

(Because remember, angrily burning things is the highest form of patriotism!)

I would love for Warren to have a flag as well, but quite tragically, when it comes to needlework, I’m only sew-sew. (I got a “D” in Life Skills in Junior High, but that was probably because I used my Flour Baby in some banana bread.)

So I’m asking for your help. I’ll pay anyone five dollars, plus material costs, for helping me make up a Warren flag. (Talk to me before going out and buying materials.) I’m thinking dark blue, with the Warren Symbol in white. Or maybe a Snake through a tire with a sword. Or maybe a whole bunch of dots that when you stare at them long enough, make you incredibly angry that you don’t have the depth perception to do Magic Eyes. Or maybe it could say “Arend” on it, just to throw everyone off.

Let’s show probably fictional historical character Betsy Ross that she has nothing on Warren Hall!

Out with the old, in with the new shirt:

I’m afraid I have some bad news guys. You know those T-shirts that everyone bought? They have a fatal flaw.

Apparently, while they are perfectly delightful for use in the summer months, as the days grow shorter, they grow less and effective. Eventually, wearing only the T-shirt becomes rather painful, as the thin material and lack of sleeves exposes one to the elements, to hypothermia, to frostbites, and to the teeth of hungry snow wolves.

Then, laying awake in the shower one night, a divine epiphany hit me: If only we could make T-shirts out of a thicker material… with sleeves! We could call it… a SWEATSHIRT! I’m a genius, I tell you! This is why they pay me the big bucks ($7.35 an hour)

However, this time, I’m soliciting designs from you. Since my greatest artistic creation is still “Stikman flieing a airplaen” when I was five (it still hangs on my refrigerator) I need you to send in your own creative designs. Since sweatshirts are more expensive (about $30,) I’m looking for a simple black and white design. E-mail it to me at dwalters08@whitworth.edu. Or just hand it to me when I’m serving Pizza at Saga on Sundays.

We’ll probably have you guys vote on it after I arbitrarily throw out all the choices I don’t like. (It’s like Iranian Democracy!) Last year, we all voted to have a giant white amorphous blob on the back of our shirt. With sparkly silver glitter writing!

Best Dorm Sports Show #4

By Colin “Rock you like a Tropical Depression” Storm

Alright sports fans, it’s your favorite Sports Events

Coordinator, Colin Storm, coming at you. This weekend is a HUGE weekend for sports. On Friday night the volleyball team takes on nationally-ranked Linfield at 7 p.m. Be there in the Pirate Pit as we move it from the football field to the Fieldhouse. Then on

Saturday, the soccer teams take on Pacific at noon (women) and at 2:30 (men). That night the volleyball team takes on Pacific at 7 p.m. in the Fieldhouse. Then, on Sunday, the soccer teams have huge games against Linfield (women at noon; men at 2:30). Recap: Volleyball Friday and Saturday, Friday is a HUGE game; Soccer Saturday and Sunday, Sunday are HUGE games. Make sure to get out and enjoy a great weekend of sports!

Sports Trivia

Volleyball: Female Beach Volleyball is very popular for many males to watch because of the uh… fast paced intensity, high degree of athletic skill, and… yeah… we’ll go with that.

The Outpost: Oregon Trailing

My Fellow Warrenites,

It is with sad and heavy heart that I write to you this day. Last week I stumbled upon a small, yellow packet in a stack of papers on my desk. The contents of the packet are why I am writing you, for you know not the trouble you are all in. For reasons of personal safety, I have elected not to divulge my name, and so you may call me "Deep Appendix." Not only have I discovered the secret identity of Sancho the Bullrider, I have some facts about him that are undeniable...and shocking. Sancho the Bullrider is from...gasp...OREGON!!! If that is not enough to discredit a man, I don't know what is. This Oregonian dressed his lies in sweet honey and somehow found his way into leadership last year as a dorm rep under the alias "Benjamin Thomas Works." Don't feel bad...I, too, was taken in by his smooth talking, long hair, and striking figure. But now, upon investigation, I have found that his only motivation for being a dorm rep was to bite the innocent constituents and infect them with the Oregon disease we all know and fear! My advice is this: avoid the full moon, carry a baseball bat, lace his cookies with hydrochloric acid, and stay away from the smell of Oregonian pot . As for me, I am off to sharpen my wooden stake.

The Plan: After being gently awakened by the soft whispers of the morning breeze, we shall all file down to the Warren Lounge at 7:15. The leaders shall paint ‘W’s onto everyone’s forehead, allowing them to buy and sell goods and services, and showing their loyalty to The Beast (Russell Spots, 3rd West.) Before heading out to serve the community we shall all sup upon Juice Boxes and Poppyseed Muffins, as Mother Theresa did while serving the poor in Calcutta.

At 8:00 we shall split up into three different groups (South Warren, East Warren, and West Warren. Last I checked, North Warren is still in the hands of the Bulldogs.) We shall then each get on our buses and sing about bottles of various beverages on the wall, rotating wheels, and thank our respective bus drivers.

South Warren: The YWCA

I had about thirty-five Village People jokes until I realized that this was the YWCA. That’s right, the place where I went for swimming lessons when I was five because the Whitworth Pool made me shiver and was full of weird swimmer peoples. Daniel Walters (me) and Sarah Brogden-Thome (not me) will be leading this expedition. We’ll be bringing hedge trimmers and clippers. Hey, if anyone knows Edward S. tell him we could really use a hand.

Cathedral Plaza Apartments sounds like one of those Apartments that’s advertised like you spend most of your time getting massages by exquisitely dressed French Servants under the Marble fountain, but in actuality the walls are held up with sticky tack and the cat next door keeps getting stuck in the water heater.

With crazy Radio personality Ben Leighton and ruthless Newspaper Baron Peter Smelser at the helm, this trip should be memorable. Do anything stupid and you’ll see your name plastered across Whitworthian headlines or hear it ridiculed to the tune of wacky flushing sound effects.

East Warren: Anna Ogden Hall and Westminster House.

The Westminster house is probably best known for having the steepest staircase this side of the equator. I suggest holding onto the handrail, and using ice picks and grappling hooks in your descent. This group will be lead by Jessica Chapman and Emily Benson.

Since there are not enough buses, upperclassmen will have to find their own transportation to the sites. You’re tough. You can handle it.

We’ll get back at 12:00, (in the noon) where there will be a BBQ in the loop.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Stan by your Man.

Okay, kids, gather around! I’ve got some exciting “tight” new news for you. How many of you kids like Whitworth?

Good. Good. Now, how many of you like Sodexho?

What’s Sodexho, you say? Oh, for crying out loud, it’s what you stupid imps insist on calling “SAGA.”

Do you know how offensive that is to the good men and women who work for Sodexho anyway? Do you know all the tears and broken hearts that awful name, “SAGA” has caused student workers.

I don’t care if you DO know somebody who works there that isn’t offended. He doesn’t speak for the student body as a whole!

Okay, so he’s a Senator and his job is to speak for the student body as a whole! That’s beside the point! Now, kids, what would you like Sodexho to do for your school? What kind of stuff do you think would make Whitworth a happy joyful place where you can take your play-friends?

Cheaper Meal prices? That’s just silly! I mean, with a 2.3% inflation rate, it only makes sense that prices rise 15 percent! Plus, we just added a brand new Fried Eggplant bar in the café, and the cost of *that* was pretty hefty. No, I’m thinking of something else…

Food that doesn’t suck. Now you’re just being insolent! Do you know how long we spend leaving Bread out so it achieves that perfect crunchiness? Do you know how much of your money we spend to purchase the leftover meat from Big Gert’s Roadside Gas n’ Café? Do you know how hard it is to personally taste test every vegetable that goes into the stir fry?

Look, here’s what I’m think about. You know that area across from the Café? You know how it looks all drab, boring, grey, and just downright dreary. Where’s the spark?! Where’s the PIZZAZ?! Where’s the *funk?*

Oh, that’s right, kids. I totally used your word. The one that you and your “groovy” “chums” like to use so often. It just shows how “hep” and “with it” I am.

Here’s my idea. All that junk that’s in the café now? WE RIP IT OUT! We totally take SLUDGEHAMMERS and BULLDOZERS to it. And then, my friend, we FUNKIFY.

Christopher Lowell? We’ve hired them. The Fab Five? We’ve got ALL them. I’m going to need some Gold Paper, some stars, some fuzzy dize, some purple paint, and lots and lots of sparkles. And then we just go hog-wild! Won’t that be FUN! Won’t that be exciting! Won’t you love your tuition to be used that way!

And get this… I was going to keep this a secret, but I’m just to garsh-darn excited, so I have to tell you. We… get… THREE FLAVORS OF BLUEBERRY MUFFINS. And one flavor of a freakin’ scone! I’m sorry if I seem emotional. It’s just so… visionary! Like Dr. Martin Luther King, or possibly L. Ron Hubbard.

What this? There’s somebody already stationed there? Some business named Stan’s? Well, there are some little bits of technical details to you know work out and…

You want for him to stay? Look, we already offered him a job with Sodexho as the person who cleans under the grease vats. We offered him money to help start his own coffee business in Beruit. Coffee’s very popular there. But he turned them both down because he wanted to “stay at Whitworth.” That’s the kind of stubborn Coffee swilling scumbag he is.

Ha! Loyalty, shmoyalty! Was it loyalty that vaulted Benedict Arnold, the Rosenberg’s, or Cain into the annuals of history? No, it was looking out for number one, for the highest profit margin. That’s the stuff of a good business man.

Get this. The owner of Stan’s even wanted to bring in his own architect to help design the area around his Coffee dealey thingie. I had a simple choice of choosing the old man who’s been loyal to Whitworth for twenty years and choosing the soul-crushing culinary giant that employs hundreds of thousands across the globe. When it came right down to it, my heart belonged to Sodexho. Not to mention my first born son if I didn’t make the ‘right’ decision, but that’s a different story all together.

How many different pretentious names for coffee sizes does Stan’s have? Probably like three. Sodexho will have not only Grande, Venti and Extra Venti, but Veni, Vidi, Vici, Mussolini, Fettuccini, Vezzini, and Zamboni.

And what kind of name is “Stan’s” anyway? It certainly doesn’t sound like it was processed through a multi-level array of focus groups and high-level marketing executives. “Stan” is probably something his Mom came up with. For real Marketing genius, you turn to Sodexho, whose name conjures either images of quality foodstuffs served lovingly to smiling customers, or medication advertised by showing crinkly old people running on beaches in windbreakers.

We’ll give the new Café a flashy name that will be sure to attract you wide-eyed youngsters just by it’s pure hipness. Something like “Jazzmans” or “Crash Bandicoot’s” or “Slick Steve’s Drink Tank” or the “Vote for Pedro Café” since you young people seem to like that Neapolitan Dynamite movie so much.

In fact, were so confident about our ability to create a youthful yet serious coffee-muffin hybrid establishment, that we’re asking you college students for your advice on decorating! So, what should it be?

A Tombstone with the name Stan on it? You want to call it the “Money Pit?” Theme it around the board game, “Monopoly?” These are great ideas!

Now if only that warped, frustrated George Bailey would finally sell his drafty old Savings and Loan business to me, we could really get things done.

Potty Talk: Biking and Rep Elections

Warrenians: I like Bike: This is just a message to all you Warren residents to lock up your bikes: Warren Residents, lock up your bikes.

Remember, we live in a world fraught with peril, seeping with evil, a place where hope is a four-letter word: Spokane, Washington. Never has there been a greater hive of scum and villainy when it comes to stealing bikes. People will not think twice about stealing your shiny pink Huffy just to fund their Grandmother’s medical treatment, food for their starving baby, and maybe a little bit for their crack habit on the side.

And don’t think you can stop them just by putting cards in the spokes or a sticky note that says “Daniel’s Bike! Do not take!”

Wily criminals have schemed up ways to defeat even those clever defenses.

I suggest locking your bike up with a U-lock, removing the tire, looping aroundseveral yards of chains, and placing it in an impenetrable six-inch steel vault at the top of an unassailable forty-foot tower, guarded by a series of elaborate snares- each more cunning and malevolent than the last- and watched over by Argontor, a three-headed hydra that breaths fire, with a gaze that can turn mortals to stone.

If that doesn’t stop them, Whitworth Security surely will.

Dorm Henchman Elections: Let’s say, theoretically, that I have a cunning scheme, a detailed multilevel plan to ensure Warren’s dominance, their supremacy, their absolute power over all things Whitworth… forrrreeevvveerrr…

And let’s say that I can’t accomplish this theoretical little plan without a lil’ help from my friends.

The Quest to make Warren Awesome cannot be accomplished by the strength of one man alone. Especially one who can barely bench a Tootsie Pop.

No, it will take 3 men (5 women) to be able to accomplish a task of such vision and grandeur.

Remember to vote for your dorm reps on Wednesday the 20th (primary) and Thursday the 21st (final election.)

And for those losers who don’t vote, don’t let people tell you that “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain about the result.”

ASWC'D!: Week 3

Tech Department: We will be getting wireless in the dorms in the next couple months. -Don’t save to the Desktop, it will get deleted as soon as you restart. Save to your student drive, instead. Facility Services: Discussed therationales of the Hole policy, the time it takes to fill the holes, tape residue trouble, the possibility of having a hole “permit,” but didn’t commit to anything. Could Ben and Jerry’s make a profit near Whit. ?Dorm Updates· Jazz night for Bopell?· Daniel did good on a Math 107 Assignment.· Off-Campus is doing Walk for Diabetes.Coordinator Reports· Half-Past 9:00 starting Thursday.· Get your Yellowcard tickets, now!· Whitworthian: Write a letter to the editor toeditor@whitworth.edu· Costco will be here to discuss discount membership, offer free samples.Big Issue:Will Stan’s be canned be The Man? Whitworth has tentative plans to dramatically funkify (with our tuition money) the area where Stan’s is currently located, giving us more variety of food. The effects on Stan’s is as of now undetermined. Look for more information in upcoming Whitworthians.

E-mail me to come the next ASWC meeting (9/21), discuss important issues, and get free Café food!

The Outpost: By Sancho the Bull Rider

Warrenties, I write to you from a place of lonely seclusion bearing the most somber tidings. I would tell you directly, but I have been forced into this isolation and the only contact I have is in the form of letters using a clever pseudonym. (By the way, don’t bother attempting to trace the post. Czechoslovakia no longer exists. Fun Fact: It is now divided into the Czech Republic and Slovakia.) If word of my whereabouts were to reach Scott Harmon, my life would be forfeit. But I have risked my life for your safety. My sacrifice means your survival. Yes, my delinquent dorm dwellers, Scott Harmon has an evil plan. Don’t let the homey, not-so-intelligent, cowboy look throw you off: for he is an evil genius bent on domination through any means necessary. Last year, he took over the RA (conveniently his roommate) position on 3rd West after cruelly dispatching of the RA’s limbs in a “basketball game.” Does Scott look like a basketball player to you? I think not! Now he is trying to take over, not only a hall, but the whole of Warren! Don’t believe me? Just look who his roommate is this year: the Warren senator! I’ll spare you all the gory details; suffice it to say an intervention is needed. I urge you all, stand together! While he may try to lure you out into the darkness of the loop for “Frisbee,” keep in mind that Frisbee, when the b is mirrored, the end only needs two letters to be another word: deeth…which might as well be DEATH!

Stay safe, Warren, until my next correspondence,Sancho the Bull rider.

The Best Dorm Sports Show: Episode 3

By Colin Storm

Hello sports fans! This is your Sports Events Coordinator Colin Storm telling you that this weekend (Saturday the 17th) is Homecoming. Our nationally ranked football team will be playing University of La Verne (California) at 12:30 on Saturday. Also, a new feature will be added to the games to hopefully add more spirit: The Pirate Pit. It’s the new Student Section that will be roped off so that only students can sit or stand there and make lots of noise! Be there LOUD AND PROUD! Dress up for Homecoming and support your Pirates!

Warren Rules that weren't ratified in the RAP Policy meeting

5)Never leave a man behind! Women, however, can find their own way back.

6)Quiet hours don’t apply when you’re having a dance party in your room.

7) The “Big three” complemented by the “Medium-Sized four”-Tapping your fake nails on metal surfaces.-Singing along to rap music that contains incorrect grammar.-Excessive Celebration.-Gratuitous references to over quoted Monty Python Sketches

8)Holes in a room’s wall bigger than a mature bull ox will not betolerated.

9)Genocide? That’s a no-no.

10) No using the fire escape. Even if there’s a fire. The fire-escape is not designed to hold your weight, quite frankly. You fatty fatty fatso.

11) If you see somebody from the Village, punch them in the face.

12) Residence leaving food in common areas for more than three weeks shall be forced to eat said food.

13)Those caught stepping on cracks in sidewalks shall have one (1) of their mother’s vertebrates snapped for each offense.

14)The Law of Gravity is to be in full effect at all times. Those who violate this rule will be hung upside down from the floor for three hours.

Whitworth Spotlight: Half Past Nine and The Blood Drive

Half-Past 9: Some people complain that “there’s nothing to do in Spokane.”

What a silly complaint! There’s lots of things to do in Spokane. You’ve got trails to run on… there’s the garbage-eating goat downtown you can feed… there’s a Museum of Arts and Culture if your into that Arts and Culture… and… uh… the garbage-eating goat thing again?

Anyway, even if there’s not a lot to do in Spokane, Whitworth is determined to bring exciting events to you. Such as Half Past 9.

Half-Past Nine is held on Thursdays in the Café. At 9:30, oddly enough.During this event, outside performers will bless Whitworth with their unique brand of entertainment. Sometimes they might even use naughty words. That’s the kind of crazy risk that Whitworth College is willing to take.

The Half-Past Niner that will be performing this Thursday will be Kevin Hurley. He’s a Hypnotist, a Comedian, and a Magician.So basically, he’ll make you think you’re a Chicken, tell a joke about you crossing the road, and then cut you in half with a hacksaw. Which brings us to the next topic:

The Blood Drive:I’m sure you’re all on pins and needles, waiting to hear about this event. For some, it’s a hard sell, a real drain, but if you stick with it and don’t draw it out, if you step up to the plate; let your worries drip away. The Blood Drive. Good to the last drop.

Myself, I haven’t ever donated blood. It’s a nice idea, but I’ve never gotten around to it. I was always sick, or my arm was just too skinny for the width of the needle, or I didn’t really think people would want my blood– I mean, it hasn’t done me much good- or I was afraid that I would faint and pee my pants and spend the rest of the day smelling like Baldwin-Jenkins hall.

But I’ll make you a deal. If you will, I will. Deal? September 22nd! 11:30! By the Flagpole! Be there!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Disclaimer

Whitworth Spotlight: Homecoming

Homecoming: Sorry to bring up a painful memory, but you know how you never got asked to Homecoming in High School? Or you know how the girl that you did ask ended up say that gee, she’d really love to but she was already really hoping to go to the dance all by herself? And how “all by herself” turned out to be a fairly muscular senior named Chad?”

Well now’s you last chance to fulfill that dream of yours!

With a one to three guy-girl ratio you’ll have… lemme see… carry the one… a far better chance than in high school.

And let’s say that Chad came to Whitworth along with you. That’s okay, you don’t even have to have a date! Go by yourself or go with a cardboard cutout of Carrie Fisher!

Or, if you are a guy like Chad, you can go with two dates at the same time, planning on neither one of them finding out. You may continually excuse yourself to the restroom to find the other date but eventually, the tangled web of lies will unravel through a series of Wacky Hijinks, Comic Situations, and Snappy One Liners! Everybody wins! We may even learn a valuable lesson pithily summed up at the end of the half hour.

The Dance: The dance itself will have the theme, “Party like a Rockstar.” Feel free to dress us as your favorite Rockstar. But none of this modern day, namby-pamby, angsty pop music crap. Back in my day, we had real Rockstars, Rockstars who would bite the heads of bats, swing guitars around their head and then accidentally burn down the nightclub in their fiery pyrotechnic display.

Tickets will be $20, 5 of which goes to the Red Cross to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

The Election: Of course, an event like Homecoming could never be possible without the election of Homecoming Royalty. Each Dorm will choose a nominee for Queen and a King. They will gorge themselves in a victory feast (Pizza eating contest, Quall Hall, Sept. 14th) Then they will then dance to the death on the field of battle. (Sept. 15. Quall Hall)

Now some say that the election of Homecoming Royalty is just a popularity contest, whereas in actuality it’s… well… yeah… it’s just a popularity contest. But it’s a FUN popularity contest.

The Hall Decorating: Ever since the Stone Age, man has attempted to show his dominance over fellow man through the ancient ritual of Interior Decorating. That’s what Cave Paintings were, ancient dorm decorating contests to celebrate the upcoming Feast of the Saber Tooth. The Cro-Magnon’s, by the way, beat the Neanderthals in both the categories of Creativity and Use of

Mastodon Blood. Hall Decorating will be Thursday, September 15th. Each dorm will decide a Party or Rock Music based decorating scheme, such as“Pink Floyd’s Hallucinations” or “A Hotel Room Trashed by the Who.”

Because remember, Whitworth, you’re not hardcore… unless you live hardcore.

Sports Trivia

Football: In 1968, one of the best comeback endings in Football history was cut off by NBC to showthe movie Heidi. Fortunately, the hearts of America were so warmed by the good-natured tale of a girl, her grandfather, and her goat, that nobody cared.

The Best Dorm Sports Show: Week II

The Outpost: By Ruth Bumgarner

I would just like to give a little shout-out to my girl, Kim Henderson. Yeah, that's right....maroon tie with white seagulls girl. The bravest, baddest blonde to have ever been publicly wooed in 2nd East's history. Thank you, Warren men, for your outstanding performance at the yell-off. Just remember, my hall is full of more undiscovered beauties so don't forget to stop by and drop a tune once in a while! Go 2nd East!!

Ruth Bumgarner is an RA in Second East. She is theauthor of“An Essay on C.S. Lewis for Core” and “The Bible”

Potty Talk: Counting on Accountability

By now the frenzied Mardi Gras adrenaline-riddled atmosphere of Traditiation and Moving In has given way to aless cheerful creeping

realization: You actually have to do work.

You’d think, that for a thirty thousand dollar tuition, they could figure out how to give us aneducation, diploma and degree without forcing us to learn stuff.

College is one of those few places where you pay them to allow you to do work. The other is the NorthPark fitness center, which tried to kill a friend of mine last year.

Fortunately, there’s still a veritable bevy entertaining

entertainment planned to entertain you with. For example, this week the Homecoming dance (see page 3)

But to awkwardly transition to the mainpoint of this article:

As your Senator, I need your help. I have a favor to ask you. One that doesn’t involve buying t-shirts. (Although, you know, if you want to still buy a T-shirt, that’s cool and everything. I mean, I really wouldn’t mind.)

You know what you want from me as a Senator. You know what I promised you during my campaign:

That I would spread your ideas throughout Whitworth, fight for a better

college year, inform you of events, write entertaining newsletters, adhere to strict financial responsibility, and have a Giant Monkey climb the Campanile to protest Frisbee restrictions.

There may be times that I screw up. I’m expecting that. The difficulty is, is sometimes I screw up and don’t know it.

That’s where you guys come in. I want you to hold me accountable to my promises.

I’m fully expecting to be jerked out of bed one night by five men in ski masks, bound and gagged, driven to a dark warehouse, hit with a tire iron a couple times and then pressed up against the brick wall as the apparent leader of the thugs hisses, “Walters! Your Stall Street’s have been uninspired as of lately, and resort to tacky gimmicks instead of incisive analysis and finely honed humor! That makes me and da boys upset. Capiche?”

I’ll wake up the next day with new

vision, energy, and bruises!

So, let me know if I’m doing a bad job. I may cry, but it’s better for Warren in the long run.

Weather-O-Matic: Week Two

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Potty Talk: Intro to the Stall Street

Good People of Warren Hall:And so it begins.

The year that shall forever be known- seared into memories, etched into history books- as “The Year of 2005-2006.” And rightly so.

Let me tell you something about this year. You know how on every Late Night show, they always say, “we’ve got an incredible show for you tonight,” even if the only guests they’ve booked are Paulie Shore, The Guy Who Used to do the “Dude, you got a Dell” commercials, and Special Musical Guest The Bulgarian Polka Trio?

I’m not going to do that to you. I don’t know if this year’s going to be good or bad. Clouded, the future is. And magic 8-balls and fortune cookies can only tell you so much.

But here’s what I do know. This year is going to be eventful. Stuff is going to happen, man. Stuff that will blow... your... mind... Some things might be good. Maybe one of you might celebrate a birthday. Some things might be bad. Maybe the dorm might catch ablaze, trapping us all in a raging inferno, and the worst part is, while we have marshmallows and chocolate, we’re all out of Graham Crackers.

Either way, I foresee a torrential swirl of events, some planned and some unplanned. I feel it in the earth. I feel it in the water. I smell it in the air. Or maybe that’s just the regular trademark smell of 3rd West.

And I can promise you, the Stall Street Journal will be there every step of the way, chronicling the journey, bringing you information, seeking change, and humbly requesting your assistance to make Warren Hall even better. I, Daniel Walters, your Senator, have three goals for this vaunted publication, the Stall Street Journal.

1) To bring you information about future, past, and present events, as well as Issues that Concern You.

2) To allow you a platform to voice your concerns, non-sequiters, and wacky conspiracy theories.