5 Signs Your Relationship Is Over

Before you call a divorce attorney, there’s one number to dial first: a discernment counselor.

Discernment counseling helps troubled couples take one more hard look at their relationship before calling the divorce attorneys, says its creator, Bill Doherty, a professor in the family social science department at the University of Minnesota. Sessions help couples decide whether or not to improve the marriage or let it go.

So how do make the decision whether or not to pack your bags and head for Splitsville?

You’ve Given Up Hope
Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. And hope is a like a bottle of Gatorade—it’s what fuels you to do the hard work necessary to keep the relationship running, like having tough conversations, making compromises, and digging up some seriously painful dirt. Without hope, a great marriage—let alone a shaky one—just won’t work. (Need ways to spark that dull sex life? Take this refresher course with The ABCs of Sex.)

You Keep Bringing Up Old Issues
If you keep bringing up ways she's scorned you in the past, that's a major sign of resentment, says Katie Ramsburgh, marriage and family therapist with The Gottman Relationship Institute. "Resentment often stems from one partner or both partners not feeling understood, or as if what matters to them is not valued," Ramsburg explains. "In order to begin to move past resentment, each person has to feel that they have influence in the relationship. They need to feel that their dreams, the things that are important to them, have equal value." Do you hate that she spends so much time with her friends? Ask her why. If you learn that it's because she wasn't close to her family growing up and friends became important to her, you'll understand that it's not because she's ignoring you.

She Acts Like You Can’t Do Anything Right
If she’s dwelling on the negative—criticizing, being defensive, or stonewalling—she’s not going to recognize the still-great things about the relationship or your efforts to make things work. There’s even a name for this state—“negative sentiment override.” If she’s in it, she’s 50 percent less likely to notice neutral and positive interactions, further sending the relationship into a tailspin, according to research from The Gottman Relationship Institute. (If you know it's over, then you need to get back in the game. Read relationship revelations in 36 Ways to Get That Girl.)

You Think about a Life Without Her
Daydreaming about a bachelor’s life? It could signal the beginning of an emotional divorce, if not an actual divorce, Ramsburgh says. If you find yourself thinking about the alternatives, emotional detachment, negativity, and a loss of hope are setting your marriage up for failure.

She Keeps Things to Herself
Has she stopped talking to you about the small, silly stuff in her day? Successful couples know each other’s inner worlds. Not chatting about the little things is a serious sign of emotional detachment, according to Ramsburgh.