The Miami Marathon is Just 20,000 People Running from a Flying Cockroach

“It’ll kill us all!” shrieked Fernando Juarez as he teared down Biscayne Boulevard. “Run for your lives, you fools!”

Tens of thousands of screaming Miamians poured out of Downtown
skyscrapers in the predawn hours and sprinted toward MacArthur Causeway upon
hearing that a flying cockroach was spotted around Bayfront Park.

Miamians haphazardly threw shoes, newspapers, and rolled up
socks without bothering to look behind them as they ran east toward Nikki Beach.

“Mami, mami, please!” sobbed Jesus Rodriguez into his cell
phone. “Please come get the cucaracha!” he paused. “I’m not a sapingo! You’re
the only one who can kill it!”

“There’s absolutely nothing to fear from the American cockroach,” explained Roger Daniels, a prominent University of Miami entomologist. “It’s a perfectly harmless insect that is key for decomposing… It just flew by my ear! Oh my God, we’re all going to die!” He then jumped into Biscayne Bay.

Miami Police Department’s SCAT (Special Chancletas and
Tactics) unit has been deployed in an attempt to eliminate the airborne threat,
but has yet to sufficiently steel themselves to face it.

“I can’t do this again, man,” explained Lieutenant Carlos
Sacco, rocking himself on the pavement in full battle rattle. “I’ve got kids. I
see them in my dreams! In my dreams!”

Miami Mayor Francis Suarez later called an airstrike on Downtown Miami. 45,000 pounds of high explosives were dropped on the city’s financial center, much to the relief of local citizens. A hazmat team armed with mumus, hair nets, and Vanidades magazines will be parachuted into the smoking crater to check on whether the cockroach was destroyed.