Journey of our life trying to have a baby. Married at 22 yrs old 4/04, Started TTC 09/05. Did not expect problems! 08/06 Diagnosed Unexplained Infertility. Did I mention we're military which has its own set of idiosyncrasies?! Navigating the ever-more-familiar world of ART and Military Treatment Facilities. Online community the only real people I know with IF problems.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Well, I made it to 10 weeks today. So hard to believe. Yes, I've had a hard time believing that it's been 3 weeks since my last appointment and I had proof that the baby is still alive and kicking. Just one more week to go! I actually have decided to not worry all the time, and believe and pray and hope everything is fine.

The funny thing is how I ushered in the 10th week... With a lovely vomiting session this morning. The apple and tums really sat wrong with me. Although I didn't like it, I was secretly kind of glad to have had real morning sickness (no boats needed). This has been my worst day in terms of not being able to be vertical or walking around for very long. Unfortunately, my cat's completely out of food, so I absolutely have to go to the grocery later tonight. I think I can, just not right now.

I did buy a doppler, but it's not a great quality one, so I'm never 100% sure what I'm hearing (my heartbeat or the baby's). I have only tried 3 times with it, and I'm just going to wait until the doctor tries next week with their doppler. Then I'll know exactly what it sounds like.

Yes, I still am tempted to worry a lot about how this is going or will turn out, but I do not want to be consumed by it or driven by it. I'm trying to maintain a good balance. And so far, I have nothing to give me cause to worry. I just can't wait for next week's appt! (June 2nd)

Anyway, there's been some great news in the blogosphere with both Sam and JJ getting great betas... And with Glenna getting her son home... And Elaine 6wks along... And Chris getting a potential match.... And lots of sadness too with Andrea and Baby Dreams getting negative IUI betas... Anyway, click over and offer some words if you get a chance.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I can officially rename my blog. Morning sickness has been found. However, as I'm only 8weeks 1day today, I have realized I actually want more than m/s.... I'd like a real live baby. But I can't change my blog to "In Search of a Real Live Baby" because, well, no one would know it was me. And I like me old name.

Anyway, yeah, morning sickness hit with a lot of force sometime around week 7. I still don't actually throw up (hold off for story), but I am nauseous all day long. I can rarely think of more than 1 or 2 foods a day that don't make me sicker to eat. Water has become pretty unbearable, so it's been gatorade lately. And I'm a stricty water and coffee-based drinks gal. No anymore. I rarely can tolerate coffee either. My husband's many offers of Starbucks have been turned down all but once (when I agreed to share one with him if I could). Yesterday, I managed pringles and golden raisins all day. Then when J was headed home he wanted to get me some soup. I requested chicken noodle in a box. He came home with 3 boxes of 4-serving size packets each!!! Is he not the sweetest? He picked up barley too, seeming to think I could add that to the chicken or beef bullion if I can manage that. I love how he's trying to take care of me. I haven't been able to fix him lunch or dinner for a few days now, which makes me feel terrible in my job as a wife. But he's been more than understanding.

Now, want to hear a funny story? Well, we decided to take a 4 day weekend this past one to go to Savannah to the beach there. We rented a little condo and got there ready to have a great time. And every day we spent lots of time at the beach, took walks at night, collected shells, visited the cute downtown area, and ate terrific seafood. We also joined a boat club where you pay a membership fee and you get to use any of their boats whenever you want, and when you're done, you just leave it to them. They take care of fueling them up, cleaning them, maintenance, docking them, etc. Back in '06 we owned a 27 foot boat we kept in Corpus Christi when we were living in San Antonio, so we're well aware of all the work owning a boat is. This seemed like a great opportunity to get all the fun without the hassle, at least until we move.

So, Tuesday we decided to use a boat to go 12 miles offshore to fish over some sunken stuff that gets lots of spanish & king mackrel, cobia, & whatnot. 1-2 foot seas was projected. We left at 8 and by 9 it was SOOOO choppy! We had to go about 12 mph, and we still had like 9 miles left (approximations). I got really beat up and was feeling very sick (it was also close to 100 degrees out and going slower meant less wind to help alleviate the heat). J put out some fishing lines as we went so slow, in case anything wanted to bite. All the while, I'm feeling awful. He then said we could speed up now, and could I reel in the 2 lines. I tried to, but literally was stopping every 10 seconds to just breathe and not look at anything. I felt horrible! I then tangled the lines, and he told me he'd need to fix them, so could I drive the boat. At this point, I told him I didn't think I could (I had driven about 30 minutes prior, and that sort-of put me over the edge, nausea-wise). I found my way to the edge of the boat, hung out there, and then just hurled. But first, I surprised myself by crying. Yes, actually cyring I was so miserable. Even I didn't think I would cry from just being sick. I cried as I threw up (which made J ask, "Are you laughing?"). Anyway, he wanted to turn around, but I figured we'd gone this far, we should try to go on. He agreed if I threw up again, we'd turn around.

I felt better instantly, good enough I thought I was done. Ah! But another 30 minutes in the heat, waves, lolling, getting beat around, and well, I foudn my way to the other side of the boat to heave again. This time no crying. J was saying, "We're going back" as I hurled, but thru heaves I practically yelled, "No! We've got this far! Stay!" I just felt it'd be a big letdown and waste to do that. Plus, I could take it.

So, he agreed to fish an hour. Unfortunately, I curled up on a towel and just laid there. He had to pilot the boat, watch 2-3 rods, and bait everything. I don't know how long it was, but he did get 4 fish, 2 keeping size. Yummy ones in our freezer now. By about the hour or hour and a half mark, I had enough of thinking "I'm so sick, I'm so miserable, I hate the heat and smell and movement." that I asked, "When are we going home?" And he decided to then and there.

The ride back was just as rough, but I did not throw up anymore. I stayed out of the direct sunlight and I kept my eyes closed. I know that helped. But the nausea was there the rest of the day!

I've never been sick on a boat (thought I've felt it at times). I've never been purely morning sick. But I think that was morning sickness, as close as I get. Yes, I'm tired of feeling nauseous all the time every day now (I know, it's only a week). But I so have high hopes baby is growing and causing this. And I will do anything for that little baby. Just keep growing!

Question: I want to buy a fetal doppler. When is the earliest you tried & got a heartbeat on one?

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Well... we went in today for the 7 week appointment. I was scared the baby might not be alive. Afterall, I'd had two cramps the evening before, and cramps send me into panic mode.

Ah, but no.... I caught the little "flashing" on the screen. Baby measuring 7weeks 0days (exactly what it should be). Heart rate 140. Wow. Could we be this fortunate?

After the ultrasound I had to have the regular ol' OB first timers visit. It was weird! Most of the conversation with the midwife was about the nuchal fold test & triple screen, delivery options, forming a birth plan, and how good I'd feel in the 2nd trimester. I kept sitting there, wanting to interrupt her, telling her this was too early to talk about this! That she should save her time! That I... might not get that far. I know, that's terrible. But I do not take even one day of this baby's life for granted that it'll go on. It was just out of place, unexpected. Even my husband agreed, although to him it was more of a reality, "wow, we might get a live baby." We assumed with pregnancy #1 = baby. This time, no such assumptions.

I have to wait 4 weeks to go in again. Then they'll try to hear the heartbeat with the doppler. If they don't get it, we'll do an ultrasound. She did tell me if I started to get too worried/paniced, they'd gladly have me come in earlier to do an ultrasound. It's reassuring I have her blessing on that. I hope I'm strong enough and have no good reason to use that.

And lastly.... because it was such an incredibly terribly busy day at work yesterday, and then afterwards dinner was such a hardship to fix w/o being sick, and then I just needed to lay down.... I actually forgot what day it was. June 3rd. My first baby's due date. I know if I were not pregnant right now, that wouldn't have happened. I would have cried and the day would have been so bitterly painful. Instead, I try to focus on the possibilities ahead of me, while remembering what we've been through to get here. I miss that child not being in our life right now, but I am grateful to have renewed hope beating away inside me.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I just can't call what I've got morning sickness yet until I... you know.... throw up.

You see, growing up my family took a lot of car trips. Since we eventually reached 8 kids (but started the trips when there were just 6 of us kids), flying was OUT of the question! So they'd pile us in the van, start a video, and drive for 18 hours. Yes, we had a VHS player in there, probably a huge salvation to my parents sanity. Instead of listening to hundreds of "When will we be there?" they just heard, "Can we start another movie?" Smart, huh? Dad still knows all the songs in the old Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory simply from hearing it so much. We adored these vacations and trips. Often Dad just didn't want to go on a weeklong business trip without us, so he'd just bring everyone. He always made it fun. I don't remember any stress, and as we got older we helped with the packing and eventually took over entirely. But back then, it was just fun, fun, fun. I love that my Mom was so game she never said, "I can't/won't do this."

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, more than a few of us would proclaim, "I'm sick!" or "I feel like I'm going to throw up." from the back seats (especially when we graduated to a 15-passenger van, the back gets very bumpy). However, only one of my sisters ever actually had to get a trash bag or the car stopped so she could, um, take care of that. Dad's reply to us all (except her) eventually became "Promises, promises". Mom would always try to make us feel better (crackers, gingerale, moving up to the front). But innately I knew it was just motion sickness and I shouldn't make a big deal, because nothing would come of it anyway.

Now that I'm older, I still get motion sick in cars and boats (not in 4-seater airplanes, amazingly). But nothing ever comes of it. So I don't feel it's worth mentioning.

That's how I feel about my current "morning sickness." I feel horrible a lot of mornings. The shower is always too hot, and all I can do is sit (or not take it yet like this morning). All day, the thought or sight or smell of food makes me sick feeling. I fight nausea in waves. You'll hear me breathing heavily as I try to control the urge. I literally haven't been able make myself eat a solid except cereal for some days (until evening - and if you put something in front of me, already prepared, I can eat that). Cold always sounds good, hot not so much. I hung out at the toilet yesterday hoping something would come up. Only by gagging enough did it, but it wasn't true gut-wrenching sickness.

I know I have symptoms, but I just can't call it that until I guess I have valid proof. Yeah I feel bad and have lots and lots of food aversions, but this isn't to me what I can call morning sickness.