John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Her possessions represent a tangible link to her and your memory of your life with her. (Published 5-22-2012)

Q:

My mom died in September, 2010, and it feels like it was yesterday. When will my hurting stop? I go in her room and can’t help to get in her bed and cry. I miss her so much. I wish she was still here. I don’t want anybody to move or get her stuff. I get very upset and hurt. Is this normal?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Rebecka,

Thanks for your note and questions.

All of what you report is very normal, even to feeling like it only happened very recently. When someone is that important to us, memories and feelings about them can dominate our lives.

It’s also very understandable that you don’t want anyone to move or get her stuff. Her possessions represent a tangible link to her and your memory of your life with her.

As to when the hurting stops: Time cannot heal emotional wounds. Therefore there is no time zone for when you will magically feel less pain. Most of the pain you feel probably relates to what her death left incomplete for you.

We suggest you go to the bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will find the pain diminishing , even though you will still have the normal feelings of missing her.

Also, after you've taken the actions of grief recovery, you'll be able to make clear decisions about what you want to do with her possessions. You may want to keep some and discard others, but that should always be your choice.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.