Bulimia and My Struggles With Weight

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This post’s intentions are not to bring attention to me, but to give you a look at what’s going on in the mindset of someone that is bulimic. Bulimia is an eating disorder where you binge eat, which is then followed by methods to avoid gaining weight. In my case, I threw up to lose weight.

When I was in sixth grade, I was about 10, I started having issues with my body. When I say issues, I mean I didn’t like my body at all. At the time, I was 130 lbs. and kind of tall for my age. No matter what I thought, people still thought I was skinny and told me that I was, but I did not believe them. I started doing diets by keeping track of what I ate in a journal and eating less and less by the days. I was very strict with my diet by making sure I never exceeded my limit of 800 calories a day. Oftenly, I would only have 400 calories a day as my limit, which is much worse. I know that it was very unhealthy, but I wanted to become “skinny” as soon as possible. And I did, after a few weeks I lost weight very quickly and went down to 107 lbs.

I started to become okay with my weight, but I realized I missed eating a lot. When I became 12-years-old, I started being bulimic, I was just eating as much as I wanted. I came up with the idea to just throw up so I wouldn’t gain weight. No one was bullying me about it, but I always felt as if it was something I needed to do to “look good”. You may be asking, “Why did/do you do it?” well, my main reason was that I wanted to “look good”. At that point in my life, I was intrigued by many models and always found myself comparing me to how skinny and tall they were, I wanted to be just like them.

This may be too much for some people, so this is a warning, but I’m going to tell you my routine of being bulimic. I get home from school every day around 2:35 and at that time I would eat a lot for a whole 1 hour period from 3:00-4:00, I would never eat before or after those times. I would eat as much as I could to the point where I would feel bad about myself. Then, I would go upstairs to my or my parent’s bathroom and turn on the fan and play loud music, even though I was home alone I wanted to make sure no one really suspected anything. I would then tie my hair, get on my knees, and just start hurling into the toilet. I know it sounds silly to share my “routine” but I just want you guys to be aware of people that you know that may be doing these things.

When I was bulimic it took me several months to come forward with my problem. I told my friends first and later on proceeded to tell my family. I always felt sort of bad because I promised my friends I would stop, and I did, for a while. Although they were disappointed in me, I was more disappointed in myself. My only regret is telling my parents, specifically my mom. She would always bring it up at any time that was inappropriate like, one time at dinner she said, “After this big meal, no one throws up okay?” and proceeded to laugh. The one person that drags me along with my problems is my own mother. I am never hurt by her comments, but to say such things during special events is just inappropriate and embarrassing. She never really helped me with my confidence, but I found people that helped and supported me along the way. I am still bulimic, but I do it less and less. Also, I am slowly gaining more confidence over the time.

If you have any eating disorders, please don’t be discouraged about telling anyone because of what my mom has said. I believe you can make a difference within yourself. The first step to getting help is by telling someone. Try to get help from people that you know that love you and care for you.

Feel free to ask me questions. You’re all beautiful and I love you all so much.

I can’t even begin to tell you what it means to me. I’d have to write a book. The short version is that the first woman I ever loved struggled with bulimia in an age when we didn’t even know what that meant. To this day I carry the ancillary wounds as someone on the outside who could never understand. Your strength is amazing to me. Know that you are reaching others who need to hear your voice, and thank you.

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