Day 21/Tuesday: Drowning

In a sea of emotions, you begin to think of normal everyday things in ways that most people don’t think about them. A bath that would normally be relaxing becomes an object of drowning and you can’t go near it. Air that would normally calm becomes suffocating. A teddy bear and a Linus blanket lying on the floor become a welcomed rescue.

After suffering major post-partum depression after my second son, panic attacks and depression creep in at the most unwelcomed times, even now 22 years later. We think we have a grip on the situation and yet the signs are all there. The heart palpitations, the body aches and pains, the mounting stress and yet you somehow ignore each sign.

Then one day something triggers it. Today was one of those days. Pulling my hair back or up as I have lately has caused my scalp to be tender. This is always how my head gets when doing this. But today, I tried to pull my hair back and a rapid onset of a migraine started. As I panicked that I might have to take some medication, I quickly grabbed for my bottle of Peppermint Oil and slathered it in all the places; temples, crown of my head, neck, base of my necks, over my eyes and within minutes I felt some better. Then I looked at my paper mounded desk and began panicking again. This time I felt the wash of sweat and stomach upset. I was getting ready to go see David at the hospital as this was happening.

The original panic attack settled a bit and yet the uneasiness and lightheadedness continued through my visit with David. On the way home from our fabulous visit I felt the panic continue in the background. Things racing through my mind; friends kids sick, what would be David’s next plan of treatment? Did Wilson eat? We need a loaf of bread. I haven’t swept the floor. The Bank deposit from today was messed up by my trying to deposit too much money through Mobile Banking, I need to do that in the morning. On the thoughts went as I carried on a conversation with my close friend who was with me. Multi-tasking to the max!?!

As I arrived home, I still was thinking about that Linus blanket and Teddy Bear! How I wish I could turn back time and be a small girl again. Life was so much simpler and a nap cured everything. I knew down deep in my heart what I really needed was to sit down and just have a good cry. A long, self-indulgent cry. Nothing necessarily wrong, but cry and release all of the emotion that has gotten penned up inside as I continue the daily responsibilities and duties.

I’m not a crier by nature. Growing up my cousins would pick on me and in an effort to get them to stop picking on me, my cousin told me to suck it up and don’t cry and let them know they hurt you. If you let them know how you really felt, they would continue picking on me. So I learned at an early age to hold it all in and move on. Digesting was how I managed. I would see what they were doing, realize that I could ignore them – “digest” wahat was going on – and would be safe.

This safety has translated into digesting as an adult all that goes on and in my deep crevices, I could work through whatever came my way and move on. If I did this, the situations and people that were trying to hurt me or get to me would just go away in time. This method has served me well, or so I thought. Every so once in a while, it didn’t work and I would have to go “dump the junk” and find a safe place to cry and get rid of the poison and toxins that had built up.

Today was detox day! As I write, I still have not detoxed, but writing somehow helps get those toxins out. In my heart, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has me covered and that He will reveal the true path I am to follow and bless me with a still heart. The devil likes to use our weak moments to get a rise out of us, just like those cousins when I was a little girl. My lesson today is that through the roughest times in our lives, God is still there next to us and He is cheering us on, carrying us when we need Him to.

Rest in God’s arms and know that in times that are overwhelming and dismay, panic and depression sink in, God is sitting there cradling you in His arms. After all, you are one of His children, His chosen ones!

5 Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,”

If you want the comfort of Jesus and God in your life and do not already know Him, please reach out and we will put you in touch with one who can introduce you. There is help in every need of your life if you will only open up and let God in!

As my grandmother always repeated and repeated often, “God is my help in every need, God does my every hunger feed…”

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