Well, it is now early morning of the day following Carol's memorial service. I thought the planned service went very well, but I would like to see and hear a replay because I was tired and my head was not screwed on very tight.

Since Joanney was there representing the porch, perhaps she could give you all an overview from her perspective.

I planned it all including the entire service schedule, the folder hand-out, some of Carol's favorite music, and even the outline of the Pastor's message. It was always Carol's hope (and mine too) that his message focus be centered around the saving gospel - that all in attendence might hear the salvation message as a final plea and warning from Carol that there is no promise of a tomorrow for anyone and that all must be ready to meet the Lord. I believe that effort was accomplished.

About 80 people were present from Christian and non-christian backgrounds - some coming from as far away as California, Kansas, and Iowa. There were a herd of Catholics there, two JW's, and a few that believed nothing at all. Now, the guests have returned home, and I have twelve florial arrangements, a stack of cards, leftover food, and a ton of loose ends to deal with.

Last evening my son bought dinner at a restaurant for over a dozen of my family members who decided to gather there to relax and enjoy the time together.

My daughter who has stayed with me for two weeks will return to Iowa this morning, then, must fly to Florida tomorrow morning to attend a sales meeting. My son and DIL will return to their jobs on Monday, but will be nearby to to help me as needed. Life goes on...

I am not in any rush to sort through Carol's things since I will need some time to get myself together first. Then, they will eventually be distributed according to her wishes.

I had been Carol's life support every hour of every day for a long time. It seems that I should still be doing something, but now the house is quiet. There is a big empty hole that will be there for some time. Even my dog Betsy seems lost, but now she needs me too.

Thank all of you for your prayers, your support, and your words of encouragement. Believe me...I needed them, but the need continues.

May God bless all of you!

Don

John 14:6Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

Don, I'm glad to hear your daughter has been with you and that your son and dil have been off work. I'm glad they're nearby to help you as needed in the days ahead. It sounds like the service was lovely and the gospel was clearly presented. I'm glad Joanney was able to make it.

I wouldn't pressure you about this, but I do want to mention that some people find grief support groups really helpful. I went to one a few times myself last year. I didn't really benefit from it because I felt it was more for people who have lost spouses (I'd have loved a smaller group with people who had lost parents, I think), but those who had lost spouses shared how much the group meant to them (even if they were reluctant to start coming). It was a safe place for them to share with others who could relate to what they were going through. I invited (but didn't pressure) my mom to come, but it isn't her thing. However, she lives in an independent living duplex in a small senior community, and it's been good for her to talk with other widows there. Anyway, these groups aren't for everyone, but just a thought.

Thank you for giving us a window to share this sad time with you, Don. I'm glad you are in no hurry to sort through Carol's things, yet. From experience with Howard, who I met a year after he was widowed, it takes more than a year to sort things just for yourself. Even after we were married, such a seeming little thing as the contents of an old billfold could bring on a flood of memories with tears to match. It has to be akin to being ripped in two I can imagine.

Which reminds me of a bittersweet sentiment I ran across last evening:"Walking alone is not difficult...but when we walked a mile with someone then Coming Back Alone is Difficult."

Thanks be to God, even when we feel we are alone, Jesus never leaves us, since we walk with Him as our constant companion!

I am planning to attend church services tomorrow morning. It will be the first time I have been able to be away from home long enough to attend church since mid-December. Oh, how I have missed doing that!

Don

John 14:6Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

good morning on the porch!Our dear friend, Mariane, is having a problem with passwords--and can't get on the porch to visit. I hope she gets it all straightened out. She's the heart of the porch! In the meantime, I'll keep her informed of what's going on and bring any prayer requests or special words from her.

My family and friends have now returned to their homes. Except for my dog Betsy who continues to search each room for Carol, the house is empty. It is just Betsy and me trying to grasp onto something that resembles a normal life. But all has changed, and will never return to the life as we had known it for so many years. All we have left are the memories that fill our heart.

~ ~ ~

I was Carol’s constant life support for the past few years. I was tuned into her every need 24 hours a day, and always listened for her voice calling out to me. Even now in the quiet hours of the night and day, I sometimes imagine hearing her crying out for my help. I rush to the bedside where she once lay, but only to realize once again that she is not with us. Then, the tears flow because I miss her so much. Jesus is taking good care of her now, but one of these days I will join her – never to be separated again.

~ ~ ~

A house that was once filled with joy and laughter, family and friends, pain and tears, conversation and intimate sharing, can do strange things to the mind after those things are gone. Now, I am finding out that an empty house can be quite noisy with sounds I don’t remember hearing before. Sometimes the floors will creak, ice trapped on the roof will crack as it thaws, I hear the furnace fire-up many times each day, and I even hear Betsy’s claws clicking on the tile floors as she wanders aimlessly from room to room.

I talk randomly and frequently expecting a response, but the only response I hear is the echo of my words as they bounce off the walls. Betsy doesn’t even listen to me unless the word “treat” is spoken. However, the Lord is listening and will sweep away the loneliness. I hope He doesn’t get tired of hearing my voice.

John 14:6Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

Don, I think you should put your reflections into an article/story/book for publication. I'm sure your experience is shared by many that would find your words tenderly consoling, if not extremely helpful. One of my cousins had an idea, after going through funeral preparations for a loved one, totally unprepared. She thought a book was needed, perhaps ready for the funeral home to hand out to relatives, something like, "What do I do now?"

Just an idea, but I read your thoughts as definitely filled with pathos as only a poetic writer could. Thank you for sharing with us.

I found this sentiment, recently, and I think we have all had this experience:

Verna, as I had mentioned earlier, I had not been able to leave the house long enough since early December to attend a worship service. Yes, it was good - very good! The music selections and the message seemed to fill my parched soul with renewed assurance that I am His and He is mine in spite of the trials and heartaches we must face in this life. We are never alone with the Lord by our side.

Edy wrote:Don, I think you should put your reflections into an article/story/book for publication. I'm sure your experience is shared by many that would find your words tenderly consoling, if not extremely helpful. One of my cousins had an idea, after going through funeral preparations for a loved one, totally unprepared. She thought a book was needed, perhaps ready for the funeral home to hand out to relatives, something like, "What do I do now?"

Just an idea, but I read your thoughts as definitely filled with pathos as only a poetic writer could. Thank you for sharing with us.

Maybe! I certainly have enough material collected in the form of notes and thoughts to do that. From the past 4-5 years I must have 40-50 pages from which to use for writing a book of some kind.

However, the dust needs to settle first, and I need to get myself together enough to think clearly.

Don

John 14:6Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

Don, like Edy, I found your thoughts on grief poetically filled with pathos and beauty. Keep them, and when the dust settles, and you're thinking is strong and clear, you'll have a project to keep you occupied.

My neck is acting up, so I'm on muscle relaxants. I have to get better in order to tolerate using crutches next week. I have ice in my garage, and with the way the weather is looking, it's going to be a long cycle of "puddle, then ice patch" in the garage this spring. And on it goes.

Well, I got the nicest Email from our new administrator who gave me new passwords and said I shouldn't have any more problems gaining access to FW. I really like him and found him to be approachable and likeable. I feel that when I was having all those problems with my computer that some of my mail didn't go out or ended up in cyberspace. Anyway, I got it nicely just now and was blessed immediately by Don's postings. I'm with the others who want to encourage to keep a book in mind. I wish my brother-in-law was still publisher of Christian Publications; I'd love to introduce you and your work to him, Don. But he's with the Lord now and Christian Publications has gone out of business though there are dozens and dozens of Christian publishing houses still out there.

I try to imagine what my house would feel like if John were to suddenly be called to his Home in heaven. For 25 years he conducted 6-week student tours of the western United States and I stayed home with my little dog, Missy. The house was so empty and I thought those weeks would never end! To know that it would be permanent would have been unthinkable. God will give you the grace you need and I'm sure as you share Carol's beautiful life and the dignity with which she faced the last years of her life, you'll be given opportunities to share the gospel with many, many people.

Laurie, my prayers will be with you next week and I hope you'll be able to let us know how you get along. Has anyone heard from Debby lately? I hope she's ok.

Both Tim and our son Johnny are in Washington today and Tim just called to say that CNN had a 30-minute interview with Johnny this morning. We don't know when it will be shown or how much of the interview will make the cut but I'll let you know if you're interested in seeing it. I'd love for you all to see Johnny in a situation like this. Both Johnny and Tim and wonderful tour directors and so many schools give them repeat business the following years.

My hands are very painful when I try to type so I'll make this short. I love you guys and miss you when I can't get on the porch.

Mariane Holbrook

"For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100: 5

Woo Hoo, Mariane is back. I, too, have had great response from the new owners. I really feel like they value the membership here. Faithwriters has meant a great deal to me through the years, especially the porch and the writing challenges, not to mention the wonderful friendships I've made.

I don't even want to think about what my house would feel like without my sweetheart in it. I told him today that I would surely miss his teasing if he weren't here, but I'd miss his hugs more!