Category: movies

WASHINGTON D.C. — Mutants have organized a March on Washington today to protest this afternoon’s vote on the American Health Care Act.

“This new legislative is going to financially destroy the mutant community,” said protest organizer Dr. Henry McCoy. “Can you imagine the premiums us mutants will pay in states that lift protections for people with pre-existing conditions? It’s outrageous!”

The Republican legislation would allow states to opt out of many of Obamacare’s protections and coverage requirements, putting millions of people with pre-existing conditions at risk of losing coverage and paying higher premiums.

Hundreds of mutants marched down the Mall today, despite not having a permit to protest. Police officers appeared to have no interest in trying to stop them, especially with Juggernaut leading the front of the march.

“This is not just about mutants,” said Dr. Jean Grey. “This is about all American’s who are going to suffer terrible financial costs due to this new law.”

Republican leaders insist they have the 216 votes needed to pass the legislation. They are moving forward with the vote despite not having a formal assessment from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) on how much the plan will cost and what the impact will be on Americans.

Not a single Republican representative has stepped outside of the Congressional building to speak to protestors.

“It may feel like spring, but it’s a very cold day here in Washington,” said Emma Frost.

One notably absent protestor was Wolverine. This reporter tracked him down at a local Georgetown bar for a quote, in which he asked: “What’s health insurance?”

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Trump is furious with the federal courts. Lashing out on Twitter, Trump has bashed federal judges, particularly those of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

Recent decisions have not gone the temperamental president’s way. Courts have overturned executive orders on both the travel ban and on sanctuary cities. But now, according to sources inside the White House, Trump is gearing up for his chance to fill the future court vacancies with his own picks. On top of that list is Living Tribunal.

“President Trump believes he’ll restore “cosmic order” to the courts,” said one anonymous source. “I’m not sure he understands what that means, but that’s what he said.”

Living Tribunal would be the first humanoid judge in U.S. history. Some say this would be a step down for the cosmic judge, who’s used to deciding cases for the entirety of the multiverse.

“It would certainly limit him to just one universe,” said another White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But Trump thinks having him focused on just the U.S. will yield positive results going forward.”

Sources indicated that also high on the list are judge Joseph Dredd, attorney Harvey Dent, and Fox News contributor judge Jeanine Pirro.

LOS ANGELES, CA — As Universal prepares for another lucrative box office weekend for their latest Fast and the Furious franchise movie, The Fate of the Furious, producers are already preparing for the next film in the franchise.

Late last night when no one was paying attention, the studio announced that Kato, the famed chauffeur/enforcer for the Green Hornet, will join the cast of the ninth franchise installment.

Bringing in Kato opens door for more martial arts in the next Fast and the Furious installment.

“I’ve been a huge fan of Kato since I was a kid,” said actor Jason Statham. “He was a big inspiration for me. He’s the reason my mum got arrested when I was six after I shot bottle rocks from the hood of the car….I was also driving it.”

Speaking of cars, also pulling onto the set of the next film will be Kato’s famed car, The Black Beauty. The 1966 Imperial Crown Hardtop will have to compete against much newer and faster cars being used in the films, but Kato doesn’t seem worried.

“Last week, when driver in front of me go slow. I shot it with rocket and cleared road,” said Kato. “No Ferrari can do that.”

When Tyrese Gibson heard the news, he couldn’t hold in his excitement. He quickly tweeted out:

KATO!!! Great casting. Can’t wait to ask him what it was like to live with OJ! #freeloader #fastandIlostcount #amIstillinthesemovies?