Help! I'm having an affair with a married man who's a cop. He and his wife sleep in separate bedrooms and don't have children. Although he says he's in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he hasn't asked for a divorce. But he put in for a transfer to another city and got it it's his way of gradually separating from her. Still, he never stays overnight with me and only sees me on his police-duty days. He asks for patience and says that time apart from his wife will give them the courage to divorce. Shall I give him the benefit of the doubt or give him an ultimatum?P.E., 49, Bonita Springs, FL

In a perfect world, you would give him neither the benefit of the doubt nor an ultimatum. "Benefit of the doubt" too easily slides into waiting indefinitely for him to do whatever he's going (or not going) to do, and ultimatums rarely work. Will you truly cut it off if he doesn't leave her by the 15th of next month?

The best solution: Tell him you love him but need to get on with your life, and that if and when he leaves his wife, he knows where to find you. Of course, doing this requires the strength and fortitude of a 19th-century heroine. If you can't break it off this way, at least try to create for yourself a mental environment in which you can get perspective on the situation.

First, remind yourself that actions speak louder than words. Translation: If your lover wanted to leave his wife, he'd leave his wife. Now. Spouses surprise each other all the time by walking out the door. Is it right? Is it fair? That's one for the clergy, the philosophers, and the poets to decide. He may be sincere in asking for patience, but at the end of the day, he's still married to her.

You must also protect yourself by getting hardheaded, so find some old Pat Benatar tunes and crank them up. Realize that the day may come when you'll have to end it (his wife will find out; you'll discover their marriage isn't as sterile as he says it is; you simply can't do this anymore...), and that you're strong enough to do it. Yes, you are.

To convince yourself of this, look at all of the good things in your life that have always sustained you and that do not involve this man. If during this affair you've neglected your friends, pets, the books you've been meaning to read, reacquaint yourself with them. You say he only sees you during his police duty. My crystal ball tells me that you always make yourself available during that time. You need to stop. You need to go about your business. You need to get a life.