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Santa Blogs XV

Posted on December 18, 2013

Hey, Santa Blogs, you Big Book-Bundling Buffoon:

Remember me? Every year I ask you to convince Ma to buy me some good, solid reading material, about tortured souls who are part demon and part sensitive killer. And every year, under your wise guidance, she gets me cute bunny books or educational stuff. Every time I think I’ve sulked and pouted my way to a good book, I rip off the wrapping paper and find something like If You Give a Manatee a Macaroon, usually with “Love From Mumsy to Baby Beans, March 5, 1959”. It’s bad enough I have to eat fruitcake: do you have to sell her books that make me sick to my stomach?

Getting Sicker All the Time

Dear Sickening:

Every year you ask if I remember you, buttered beetroot, and every year I wonder how long it will be before you fail to remember me. The years of childhood go by so quickly, and the little ones forget their childish joys. And it can’t happen too soon for me in your case, mistletoe mouth.

Once again, you are concentrating on pointed teeth and missing the point. ALL books are educational. How would you have learned about vampires at all if not for the books featuring twinkling creatures of the night? Yes, you could have seen the movies, I admit it, but there wouldn’t have been movies without the books. How, I ask you, would you have known that once we were a culture so blind to our own danger that we let people address their children as Baby Beans without counting the cost? Then, too, you can always turn to books for the information your Ma was going to tell you when you were older: how to hotwire a hearse, how to make silver bullets in your spare time, and how to earn dollars dollars dollars in your spare time growing wolfbane and other weeds under your bed.

But if it will ease your stomach, frosted fruitcake, I shall suggest to your mother that she lay off the more obviously educational items. You’re obviously not in the mood to learn anything or by now you’d know that people who call Santa Blogs names are going to keep finding fruitcake in their stockings. And in their shoes and mittens, too, if they don’t shape up.

Speaking of mittens, all ye blog readers, I am donning mine and heading for the far west (that starts just outside of Rockford.) The library will be CLOSED for six out of the fourteen days I will be away, and operating on a smaller staff the other days. That’s a hint, if you like: here’s another. It’s the time of year for BUYING books, not dropping them off. If you feel you must come to the library, stop at the A.C. (Amazing Collection) McClurg Bookstore instead of dropping banana boxes at the loading dock. It’s the wrong season, in other words, for banana boxes: they’ll spoil.

If I survive spending two whole weeks away from you, blog readers, I shall return and tell you what I did on my vacation. Well, the parts that aren’t mentioned on the warrant.

Keep warm. Snuggle up with a good book, in a nook or even on a Nook. Dream of nice warm days at Book Fairs in July. L’chaim!

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