Five Ways to Salvage the Red Sox’ 2012 Season

Despite the fact that the Red Sox are, amazingly, still in the running for a Wild Card spot, the 2012 season has been largely a forgettable affair. But there’s still time to inject a little excitement and keep fans clamoring for more. Submitted for your approval, Red Sox Management, are a few of my ideas:

Bring Back D-Lowe: He’s already said he’d welcome a return to his old digs. Why not make it official? At worst, he sucks out loud and dirties up our fondest memories of his past heroics. But on the upside, an entire new generation of fans might witness the now-patented “bite my tweeter” maneuver. Plus, getting a sample of his DNA while he’s back in town would enable us to fulfill our dream of fielding an entire team of Derek Lowe clones who could double as some sort of local Justice League affiliate in the off-season.

Make More Hay Out of the Craig Breslow Signing: Count me among those people who thought Doc Breslow has been with us since 2006, toiling in our minor league system or working odd jobs on John Henry’s cattle ranch. A proper “welcome back” weekend at Fenway, complete with a Breslow highlight reel (featuring, among other things, the time he helped an old woman with her groceries and co-signed an auto loan for his just-paroled cousin) would rectify this.

Game Night in 3-D: Hand each fan a pair of 3-D specs as he or she enters Fenway. Before the game starts, use John Henry-bankrolled transmitter to turn every pair of 3-D glasses into mini-video receivers. Broadcast game four of the 2004 ALCS. Sit back and bask in the euphoria–and massive beer sales.

Mike Timlin Chases Mark Teixeira Around Fenway in a Monster Truck: Not sure of the logistics (or legality) of this, but it will no doubt appeal to the Hunger Games demographic. And fans of things that are awesome.

Start Winning Some Games. Preferably in Bunches: A novel concept, but I have a feeling this could work.

If I missed any, feel free to leave them in the comments. And good luck, Josh Beckett.