I’m going to guess that not everyone reading this 1) spent their adolescent years in the early to mid ’90s, and 2) read superhero comics.

But that’s okay.

(Statistically, you’re almost certainly better off for it.)

All you need to know is this: in the early ’90s, comic book publishers went absolutely, 100 percent bugfuck insane. Comics were selling like crazy, movies and cartoons had people interested in the characters, and everyone believed their mint copy of X-Force #1 was going to make them fabulously wealthy someday, whereas its primary use today is to prop up uneven table legs at comic stores everywhere.

To keep the cash train running, publishers came up with a ridiculous variety of gimmicks to entice you to buy their wares. They did variant covers. Holographic covers. Glow-in-the-dark covers. Photo covers. Silent issues. Sideways issues. Issues with nothing but splash pages. Superman died. Batman crippled. Green Lantern genocidal. Spider-Man wearing armor. One comic writer, upon dying, had his ashes mixed into the ink for the printing of a trade paperback he had written. It was madness.

(Except the last one, that was tight. Miss ya, Grue!)

Why do I bring this up? Because I increasingly get that same “’90s comics” vibe when I think about Pop-Tarts. They started out as a nice, simple breakfast pastry for kids. Eventually came new flavors, nothing wrong with that. But then they just started throwing shit at the wall to see what stuck.

We got Pop-Tarts clearly designed for dessert, not breakfast. We got seasonal Pop-Tarts with winter images printed on them. We got Wild! Pop-Tarts. And even Pop-Tarts that let you show your school spirit. And now? Well, now we’ve got a sub-brand of Pop-Tarts called Oatmeal Delights with two varieties, Frosted Strawberry and Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar; we’ll be looking at the latter. I suspect we’re supposed to think “mapley” is just a cute stylistic tic, but I’m interpreting it in more of the “vaguely reminiscent of maple” way. Your mileage may vary.

I’m not going to lie — the box itself is almost worth the purchase. There’s just so much going on there. On the front, nearly every image and word is set at an angle like you’re eating M.C. Escher’s own toaster pastries. I thought Pop-Tarts had long ago accepted they were never going to be the healthy option, yet this package can’t stop trying to convince me it’s nutritious, touting its 8 vitamins and minerals, made from whole grain, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat, plenty of calcium and B vitamins, and a good source of fiber.

(Spoiler: the calories and total fat are not ridiculous, but still not what anyone would mistake for “healthy.”)

The back of the box avows that each pastry contains the perfect amount of icing, which I’m calling bullshit on because “perfect” is a strong word and pride goeth before the icing fall, or whatever. There’s also one of those barcodes you can scan with your smartphone to learn more info, although I didn’t because I was crushing it on Angry Birds and you’ve really gotta ride that streak out.

TL;DR. Just… how do they taste? Not quite how I was expecting, but still pretty good. The outer layer is crispy, with cinnamon oat crumbles liberally coating it and curvy drizzles of icing. The inside filling is definitely gooey and tastes of brown sugar and maple (“mapley,” if you will), although I can’t say it particularly screams oatmeal. That’s not a criticism per se, it’s just that these could easily be called Maple Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts with no mention of oatmeal and you wouldn’t question it.

Still, the flavor did bring me back to college, stealing instant oatmeal packets from the dining hall so I’d have something to eat at 11:00 PM when it was time to start that term paper. Good times, good times. Also, there’s a reasonable amount of filling, slightly less so on each of the ends, as per usual.

All told, the brown sugar crumbles, icing, and maple filling add up to an appealing whole. Not overflowing with sheer unadulterated flavor perhaps, but a solid effort that you can maybe trick your brain into thinking is healthy if you work at it. Much like holographic covers and sideways issues, these probably won’t be around for long, so try some while you can!

Item: Kellogg’s Oatmeal Delights Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar Pop-TartsPurchased Price: $1.98Size: 8 toaster pastriesPurchased at: WalmartRating: 7 out of 10Pros: Cinnamon oat crumbles both look and taste appealing. Box isn’t attractive, but crammed with so much that you’ll buy it just to have something to read on the train. The maple(y) taste was good, though could have been more pronounced. Perhaps slightly better for you than regular Pop-Tarts. Pretty cheap. The ’80s comic industry.Cons: The ’90s comic industry. Might’ve benefited from a little more oatmeal crammed in there. At this rate, TIB will soon become an all-Pop-Tarts review blog, instead of just a mostly-Pop-Tarts review blog. Kinda dull to look at — white icing would’ve offset that a little.

The first impression I got when looking at the box was that it was gonna be a cereal that tasted like Pop-Tarts. But eh, still not bad. Looks kind of boring to be perfectly honest and if you’re hankering for a healthy meal you’re not exactly gonna be dwelling by Pop-Tarts anytime soon, but nice attempt on their part. Thanks for the review, Drew!

My theory is that some middle manager said, “We need five new flavors by the end of 2012. What haven’t we done yet? Dammit, people, think breakfast-y!” Then someone blurted out “oatmeal” and they just went with it.

No No No, Don’t kid yourself or trick yourself into thinking these are even the tiniest bit healthier than the other varieties! These are FAKERS! By putting oatmeal in the name, people think it MUST BE HEALTHY because oatmeal has a health halo – DROP THE POP TART AND WALK AWAY! lol

Just bought Oatmeal delights. They are awful tasting I wouldn’t donate them to the poor I might get struck down. They look wonderful but taste bad I expected better from this company. I tried the strawberry.

I bought a box of these things and the strawberry ones. And with high expectations. I must have been having one of those “dumb consumer” moments when I grabbed them.

It is bad enough that regular pop tarts are basically the driest mouth full of dough mixed with sugary filling kind of breakfast. My kids would always pick off the crust around the pop tart. Eventually they wouldn’t touch them at all. So I tried these new ones. They ate three bites and haven’t touched them since. I had them 3 mornings in a row. Not only do I get a very brown sugar crumbles to leave around the house, but I still get that “great” died out mouth feeling I get that is oh so typical of pop tarts. But with less filling. I guess “less filling” is supposed to be a move in the healthy direction?

Kelloggs always was a corporation of lies, selling commercialized breakfast in a box that does nothing but load kids up on sugar and flour. We seriously need to run them outta dodge.

Look, I wasn’t expecting a fine dining experience – just a Poptart, maybe I would like it, if so, I’d pick up a box when it crossed my path (especially if on sale)… if I didn’t like them (so much) I’d put more butter on them and just not pick up that flavor, there’s plenty of other fish in the sea… ( fish in the sea… fish… hmmmm salmon flavored poptarts? but I digress) no big deal.

This product… I am afraid, should not have made it out of the testing lab, what were they thinking?

First: they have an off-putting smell when they come out of the toasting. It isn’t exactly foul, like the dishrag you left in the sink for three days… but off… incongruous with the roasted pasty experience.. not toasterish, more dried Chinese noodles you get in 24 packs for $2.

Usually… the smell doesn’t have to be a critical part of the pop tart experience … well perhaps they might smell like toast, or no discernible smell, for me, they are just filling a little hole in the stomach, a snack, if they smell nice, that’s even better.

But… hard to describe they off smell, not a good thing, I’m already distracted by the smell before I put it in the mouth.

And then I put some butter on it (let’s not pretend anyone eats these without butter or margarine)… and I see as I navigate my knife around the surface there is but the tiniest strand of icing, not much wider than a pencil might make, squiggle across the top… yet even a contentious line, it is as they printed the icing on the poptart but they were running out of toner, and they pulled the icing cartridge out of the machine and shook it… for the third time…, hoping to make it… (bang bang bang) come on… come on…(bang bang bang) to finish my box of tarts.

I can only conclude they had some intern who help the cover art out with some adjusting on the icing font (click click click.. better make in 80 percent shade…)

Guys: what does icing cost?

Okay: I am hungry, it’s ten at night, I am still willing to forgive, so it smells a bit off and is skimpy on the icy: I bit off a piece and I comence to chew and chew… and… waiting, okay, it wasn’t the corner with the big piece of butter instant gratification… though I had some… and I chew, waiting for the flavor to hit…

And my brain tries to put this somewhere in the foods consumed database… and I have a flashback…

If I may divert for a second… I served aboard an attack submarine in the 70s… and we got a “call” … how do I put this… a “request” to go someplace to “observe” something the US Navy thought… might be interesting… long story short… shorter… we had to leave before taking on stores… and after two weeks, though we still had meals… we were looking in the bilges for anything that could pass as snacks… and one of the things we ran across were something similar to what the Army called K-rations (I cannot say here what we called them, just to say sailors are quicker to turn a colorful phrase and obscenity laws may apply): these were tin cans (about the size of rural mailboxes and shape) full of saltine crackers with a label on them that dated back to the Korean War and these crackers did not have salt on them because… well we ran out of salt first ((because a cook had tossed the entire salt supply over the side) except for Evert G. who got wind of the salt caper and kept a tiny “picnic” cardboard you used to be able to buy), and some were so desperate crew members licked the crackers and being machinist mates, decided to put them back in the can and hammer the lid back on(waste not, want not).

And I have to tell you: those licked-clean twenty year old crackers had more flavor than did these Pop-Tart Oatmeal Delights.

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