Um, you all might just politely ask me to leave this group, and I will if you do, because I am not the Kicker but the person who loves him and is struggling to find a way to keep our relationship going. I'm here out of desperation. So, maybe, you could give me some help before asking me to find another place to get help/fellowship... Out of the goodness of his heart (because he doesn't want to kick or make noise or wake me by getting in & out of bed), he sleeps 99% of the time on the couch which he also swears is best for his broken sleep. I am constantly using logic to persuade my heart and body but I am lonely and depressed - I want him in bed with me. Crazy as it may sound to you, we have a king bed and his movements do not bother me at all (e.g., wake me), in fact, because I have PTSD, I am reassured to know that he is there. I miss him very much but I do not want him to be "miserable" (his words). I really don't know what to do; he will not go to the doctor, take meds, etc.

StirCrazy, you are very welcome here and your question is something that all of us have had to deal with. The fact that you have sought us out and are asking for help is something that all of us respect very highly.

Although most of us can relate to your husband, I can also relate to your situation. My wife has MS and frequently has to get up in the middle of the night. I will often find that she spent most of the night on our couch for fear that she was going to disturb me.

Although many end up sleeping in different rooms, our solution was to buy a split king bed. It is two super twin mattresses that we push together into a king. This way we have the best of both worlds. Both of us can toss and turn as much as we need without bothering the other because our beds are not physically linked. However, we also have the closeness of sleeping in the same bed (sort of). The only thing that we have had to get used to is the crack between the beds when they are being used for something other than sleeping. For that, I find myself continually pushing the two mattresses back together.

Keep reassuring him, that he is not bothering you. See if you can keep him with you a week, to see how you feel. Then tell him. Good luckMy husband and I sleep in two rooms. We just couldn't sleep together. It is not just my legs, but his pain keeps him awake, when I need to sleep. We are fine. He kept the queen bed, so I get in, in the evenings for TV.

This, to me, is the worst that this disease can do - hurt our closest relationships!

I did what he did for awhile, but my partner, like you, was determined to find a way we could sleep together. And I am glad he persisted. As Steve noted, the split king is one answer. And, if I remember correctly, there is cover you can put over it to keep it together and reduce the feeling of the space between them. Not sure it works well...just have seen them.

We opted for a second option - memory foam. Memory foam isolates movements, so I can kick away, get up, move around, come back, get up again, all night long and he is never disturbed.

Maybe take him bed shopping and see how he responds to it. Once we laid on the memory foam and I mimicked the kicking and moving and it didn't have any effect on him, I was sold.

I always start the night off in the same bed as my husband and we have a memory foam mattress. He never complains about my moving or kicking. However, I rarely would lie in bed with my rls symptoms. As soon as they start I get up. Also when my medications are working well it is not always the creepy crawlies that get me up, it is the insomnia.

I get up for a while. When considering going back to bed I'd often go to the guest room where I may or may not fall asleep. Generally I will be back in our own bed before we are getting up for the day. He knows I'm off walkabout during the night and that I could be asleep or reading in one of several options.

Getting in and out of our bedroom silently is more of a problem, a couple of squeaky boards beneath the carpet. And the more I try to tippy-toe out of the room the more likely I am to bump into the drawer chest/chair/etc.

StirCrazy wrote:...I really don't know what to do; he will not go to the doctor, take meds, etc.

There are effective treatments for RLS. Unfortunately, many doctors don't know how to treat it. Perhaps he might join this group and learn how to get more effective treatment. I also wonder if he is depressed, he sounds like he has given up, a common sign of depression. Most people without RLS really don't get how terrible this disease can be. He may feel very alone. Happily, if he gets on this forum, he will find lots of support from people who "get it."

My husband also insists I do not disturb him but it is sometimes easier to be on my own when the legs are bad. I do find his constant assurances reassuring and am more likely to stay in the bed with him because of them so I would second the others who said to keep telling him you like to have him there. It is also reassuring generally as I certainly worry about the impact of the condition on our relationship. That said, what stjohnh says is definitely good advice. Even if he doesn't want to go to a doctor, he might benefit greatly from having a look at some of the support forums on the internet. Maybe he would consider kratom if it is legal where you live as it is great for dealing with symptoms when they strike. Also it is worth ensuring that his iron levels are high - he can get a serum ferritin test to check his levels at the GP without doing anything else for his rls.

just adding a bit to what'sbeen said already. If he has WED/RLS and it's not being treated, i.e. if he's experiencing the full impact of the WED/RLS, he will likely feel trapped with someone else in the bed. It's more of a physical reaction than a psychological feeling. The symptoms get worse. By symptoms I mean the anomalous sensory signals that feel like screaming electrical impending explosions in your legs and the un-ignorable requirement to move your legs. Make sure he has the open side, if your bed is against a wall.

If he has PLMD but not WED/RLS - then I'm not sure that he would feel anytning like that. In that case, it might be solely that he doens't want to bother you.

I too agree with stjjohn and legsbe - try downloading some of the pamphlets made by the Foundation, What is RLS or something like that, print it and show it to him. http://www.rls.org . Life doesn't have to be hellish. But it sure seems that way when you don't even realize that what's happening to you has a name and a medical definition and you;re not crazy, you just have some aberration that causes low iron in parts of the brain, etc. Speaking of name, the alternative name for RLS is Willis-Ekbom disease, it's much better because what we have actually is a disease not a syndrome (which is a collection of symptoms but no known cause), and it affects more than just the legs, and it's not just about restlessness. He might like the name WED/RLS better.

Thank you! Thank you all for your compassionate responses. I will print them out and leave them lying about... See if I can start a conversation again. And, continue to invite him to bed and remind him that I am not bothered, but rather reassured, by his being there. I'll keep you posted.

legsbestill wrote:My husband also insists I do not disturb him but it is sometimes easier to be on my own when the legs are bad. I do find his constant assurances reassuring and am more likely to stay in the bed with him because of them so I would second the others who said to keep telling him you like to have him there. It is also reassuring generally as I certainly worry about the impact of the condition on our relationship.

like you, i have a very supportive husband who actually got upset with me when i suggested separate bedrooms because my legs was affecting his sleep. he has always been a heavy sleeper but in the last couple of years become almost hyperalert when we go to sleep. he panics when im not in bed at 4am; sometimes, when he wakes up at 3am and sees me still awake, the first thing he asks me "are your legs hurting again" he can tell when i haven't slept well. he has taken over my morning chores and makes sure I get my coffee before driving off for work

on one hand, i feel very fortunate, but on the other hand, very guilty for bringing so much pain (literally haha) into our r/s

I really like the idea of 2 twin mattress put together, defn something for me to try!

My husband also reports finding it difficult to sleep when I'm not in the bed. I wonder is it an age thing as he wasn't always like that. I am not as nice a person as you and find it annoying when he asks me about my legs in the middle of the night. I am not very conversational through the night and would prefer a ships that pass approach.

fuz_mind and legs, before I retired and my RLS went from mild to severe, I was very much like your husbands. My wife has had MS since before we met (which was a long time ago). Sometimes her MS bothers her so much that she worried about waking me, so she would move to the couch in the living room. If I woke up when she was gone, I would usually get up to check on her because I found it difficult to go back to sleep until I knew that she was okay. These days, our roles have switched. If she wakes up and I am not there, she knows that I am probably in the bath tub soaking my legs. So she uses the excuse of using the toilet to check on me. Since both of us have had times where we worried that our tossing and turning was bothering the other one, I can report that both of us were more bothered by our partner not being there than by their movements (except she used to rightfully accuse me of stealing the blanket as I rolled around.

As for using two twin beds, that is something that we moved to several years ago and it has been great. Both of us now feel free to toss and turn as much as we want without worrying about bothering the other one. In our case, we bought a split king, which is pretty much the same thing as two twins, just a bit longer and therefore different linens.