A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!" The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street. The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago." The string answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

A music student in Vienna staggers out of a bar, crosses the street and passes out in a cemetery. He wakes up the next morning to the sound of music. He looks up, realizes that he is laying on Beethoven’s grave and then, straining his ear to the ground to listen, he makes out the strands of Beethoven’s 9th symphony. He jumps up, runs to find his professor and tells him what he has heard.

Intrigued, the professor accompanies him to the cemetery, listens at the grave and proclaims it is not Beethoven’s 9th, but the 8th. The student bends down, listens and nods in agreement.

Perplexed, the professor calls the head of the university to the graveside. He bends down, listens, and swears it is Beethoven’s 7th. The other two kneel, and after a moment concur.

A coach is sent for the premier music aficionado of the city and he comes out to listen, declares it the 6th and an argument ensues as to what it all means.

The grave keeper, who has watched all of the proceedings from the beginning walks over, shaking his head in disgust and says. ‘You can all stop arguing. There’s a simple explanation. The man is obviously decomposing.’

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

A baby is born with a golden screw head in place of his belly button. Medical experts from all over the country gathered to examine and discuss etc. At last some bright spark had to unscrew the golden screw - and the baby's ass fell off.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

A guy got up after 'kissing' his wife and getting ready to go to the dentist he was horrified to find a curly black hair stuck in his teeth. His wife found him with tweezers trying to tug it out, and late for the dentist, and so cut it off close to his teeth. A little later the guy is laying back in the dentist chair and the dentist asks him to open his mouth, and then says, "I see you 'kissed' your wife this morning! the guy red with embarassment stuttered, "Oh you can still see the hair then?" the dentist replies "No, you have some poo on your chin!"

A blonde, redhead and brunette were in a swimming competition.The event was breast stroke.The brunette won, with the redhead close behind.The poor blonde finally made it to the end of the pool and complained.......

A man walks into a bar.He orders his drink and hears a little voice say, "Good choice!"He looks around and doesn't see anyone sitting near him.He takes a few sips and hears the voice again."Nice tie."What the....? he thinks to himself."You're handsome.""Come here often?""You have excellent taste.""You seem very smart.""Do you work out? You look like you work out."

The man is totally perplexed. There is simply no explanation for these comments!!

He calls the bartender over and says, "I keep hearing these voices, but there's nobody else at the bar...."

I know everyone has that one hilarious joke they use which will always get a good laugh out of everyone in the local vicinity.I'll start.A new Commander is sent to take over a command of a post in a remote location.On...

How many of you can still remember when you could take $0.05 and run down to your local neighborhood grocery store to purchase 5 pieces of gum? Everyone used to love the jokes that were printed on the wrapper. This is...

Last night while at my neighborhood bar, I noticed a guy come in with one of the regulars. I tried to decipher If he was the regulars boyfriend and it seemed that he wasn't but I still wasn't sure. So after I pay my tab...

Did you hear the Pope has bird flu? A Cardinal gave it to him.A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender, amazed, exclaims, "I can't believe this! Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The...