Dating Guide

INTRODUCTION

Finding compatibility in a partner is one of the greatest challenges in finding love and companionship. In the modern world, life moves at such a pace that it’s hard to find time to get to know someone on a more personal and intimate level.

Once again, The Lolokaust has taken the hard work out of it with our comprehensive guide to dating.

PART 1: HUNTING GROUNDS

The days of embarrassment because of using dating agencies has gone. The world today demands so much of our time which has led to such agencies hooking up professionals and high quality cunt with each other.

Some prefer the anonymity of online dating which means you can slowly build up to meeting someone, once you know a little more about them. The other option is to jump straight in at the deep end and go through a speed dating agency. This is not something to worry about, as the person sat in front of you at these things, is probably just as nervous as you are so don’t panic. Taking a weapon with you is a good idea, a gun or knife usually suffices but a lump hammer for smashing her teeth in is better if she decides she doesn’t like you.

Bars and nightlife are also great places to pick up girls and guys. Generally most of them after a few hours are wasted, this means getting them to second base is quite easy, even if you are ugly as fuck. The caliber of potential targets will be quite low in this scenario.

PART 2: THE DATE

Assuming you don’t make a total ass of yourself, they should agree to go on a date, where you will be expected to entertain them and behave well. Remember the pressures on them too so don’t feel you have to do all the work. Be considerate, funny, and don’t make the conversation too heavy at this stage.

If you play the game properly, there’s a chance you might get them back to your place, assuming you don’t still live with your parents, fuckwit. Better still, tell them you are a fantastic cook and would love to ‘have them for dinner’. If they are vegetarian make sure you cook accordingly, soup is good. The way to a mans heart is through his stomach, a great meal will increase your chances of not only hooking him/her in but might get you under the sheets for a hot night of ding dang doo.

Ask them if they want to come over and taste what you’re cooking, leaving them in the other room on their own while you work the decks will isolate her. Involve her, get her talking and interested in what you are cooking. At this moment it might be the time to make a move, yes, even before you’ve eaten.

NOW WITH SCOLDING HOT SOUP ON HER FACE YOU HAVE THE FUCKING CUNT AT YOUR MERCY! Going to cut her some slack? NO YOU DON’T YOU DUMB SHIT, GO IN FOR THE KILL!

At this stage its good to grab a salad fork and finish her off by stabbing her in the face as many times as you can, 27 times usually does it.

PART 3: BUTCHERY, GUTTING THE PIG

Want to eat veggie burgers and stir fry’s? Or some fine rump steak? Thought so! Better get your finest carver and get to work. For this you might need a bucket, some rope, two meat hooks and big plastic sheet which you should double layer. We recommend before doing anything else you get naked. The reason for losing your clothes is because one, it makes cleaning the mess off you easier and two, its sexy. At this point there is no time to lose, you got to drag the animal to where you are going to hang it so preplanning is vital.

With a small knife, break the skin just above the heel at the Achilles tendon, allowing you to push your 2 meat hooks through. Tie the beast upside down to maybe a rafter with your rope tied to the hooks. Wasting no time, hoist it up so that the feet are just above your head for optimum working height. Its good practice to tie the ropes so that the legs are slightly apart, allowing you access to the pelvic area.

Bleeding the creature is now your priority. Put the bucket under the head and taking a sharp long knife, make a cut from ear to ear right the way through the neck, severing all the major arteries. If the subject is not dead yet they might thrash around a little but this wont last long and its fun. Expect a quick gush of the red stuff at first but then a controlled flow for a bit, six litres is about right. Unless you are wanting to smear the blood around your genitals, pour it away.

Now we have to take the head off. The bleeding should have almost stopped now to allow you to make the next cut. Take your knife and continue the cut around the neck, cutting all muscle, ligaments and arteries all the way around the neck with just the spinal column still attached. The head can easily be removed by gripping it with both hands and twisting it off. There is no use for this now unless you keep it as a trophy.

Next the skin must be removed. Taking a short, sharp knife, lightly cut through the skin making sure not to cut into the meat. Peel back and cut the connecting tissues with your blade laid almost flat, slicing under the skin to make a clean separation. Don’t try and remove all the skin in one piece unless you are going to wear it later. The easiest way to take it off is in sections, leaving only the hands, feet and genitals unskinned.

The internal organs must go. We make a slice straight down the middle and cut out the breastbone with a hacksaw which should detach the ribcage. With this out of the way you should be able to cut and lift most of the internal organs out, from the pelvis area right up to the throat. Wash the corpse thoroughly, making sure all blood vessels and rubbish is out of the carcass. The organs now have no use so either dispose of them or pour them in a bath, lay in them, and masturbate.

Steaking. There’s plenty of meat on a human rack so with careful filleting you should be able to get enough meat for a month. We generally take areas off the main rack and take them to the butchers block for filleting.

First you cut the arms off and the hands just above the wrist. Next make two cuts either side of the spinal column which releases either side of the back. This area can be quartered on the block. The flank, rump and thighs are where the finest steaks are and these are worth taking your time over.

Make a cut below the buttocks and above the knee to separate the upper leg and thigh. There is a large mass of meat on the back of the upper half of the leg and this can be either steaked or left as a huge joint of meat. This cut is especially good if you are entertaining guests or perhaps running a commercial restaurant. The lower calf area has a smaller but leaner fillet which is considered the finest cut

PART 4: STORAGE AND COOKING

A normal sized freezer will be just about full once all the meat has been taken off. The meat will keep just like any other. You will find the taste is like pork and the consistency is like beef but better than anything you ever had before. Human flesh is a very versatile meat as you can fry, boil, soup, roast, bbq and marinate it. Many find that either pork or beef recipes can be used with human meat which will complement it and bring out the flavours perfectly. Avoid chilli and hot recipes though, some foods don’t work well together.

When entertaining guests, human meat is always a winner, perhaps feeding your next target with the steak from your last corpse would have a sexual irony to it.

PART 5: CHARTS

Meat cleaver

Skinning knife

Hooks

Meat tenderizer

PART 6: BON APETTIT

Cannibalism has often been recorded in times of extreme circumstance where malnutrition threatens human survival. There are very few places now that still practice it. Liberia, Congo, Nigeria and many of the other wog countries still kill and eat human flesh. In the nigger continent, they believe that if you consume a beating, human heart, you take on the power of that individual. There are a few reasons for this:

They are stupid
They are black
They are wrong
But it is tasty.

Many judge and condemn people who eat the meat of humans. Some go as far as to call it cannibalism which somehow seems to demonize it as something abnormal. Its all down to the way you pitch it. It’s always been going on and should be allowed to come out from under the underbelly of the media and join mainstream society. So, in conclusion, make sure you cook it well for guests but if its for yourself, like sushi sometimes its best served rare or live!