That Time of the Month

I’ve taken a lot of Cosmo and GQ quizzes lately (nevermind why) and I’ve decided that there should be more quizzes about my life. Here’s one to get you started. This is all a precursor to having someone do a monthly magazine that is solely about me and what I like (if Oprah can do it, then so can I).

Quiz #1: How to tell if you’re married to Dustin Heveron

1 — Are you married to Dustin Heveron?
a) yes, I’m wearing his ring right now.
b) I might be, he jokingly proposed to me at some point.
c) no, I find him utterly repulsive.

2 — Have you and Dustin ever been in a facebook relationship?
a) yes, we were facebook-married/engaged and had a great facebook honeymoon.
b) yes, but we only got as far as facebook-engaged, we never facebook-tied-the-knot.
c) no, I would never knowingly associate myself with Dustin, and people who fabricate facebook relationships should be shot, execution style.

3 — Has Dustin ever publicly admitted to having some sort of crush on you?
a) yes, every single time I see him he’s going on about how cute our kids would be or some nonsense.
b) kind of; I think I overheard him practicing asking me out in the bathroom once.
c) yes, and several restraining orders later, he hasn’t stopped publicly declaring it.

4 — How many mix CDs has Dustin made you, and what were the themes?
a) 20 or more; mostly they were compilations of 80’s rock ballads.
b) 10-20; but they were primarily intended to be mixes for some road trip we took.
c) 10 or fewer; all of them were mindless, catchy pop-punk covers of already famous songs.

5 — Has Dustin ever written you a song and then poorly performed it for you?
a) yes, constantly! Neither a birthday nor national holiday goes by without another four-chord monstrosity of his attacking my ears.
b) yes, but it generally just referenced the TV show Trading Spaces and/or ultimate frisbee.
c) yes, but it was so out of tune and poorly-mumbled that I couldn’t really understand any of it.

6 — Have you ever appeared on national television with Dustin?
a) not yet, but he keeps saying he wants to rent some commercial ad space to tell the world we’re together.
b) only once, during a song montage, but only because my producer told me I had to.
c) only as a special guest on Dateline to help catch him.

7 — What do you think of Dustin’s physique?
a) him? Let’s just hope he’s funny or something.
b) he kind of has a Calista Flockhart meets Hilary Swank thing going on.
c) his skin looks like it was draped loosely over his skeleton, then someone used one of those infomercial “suck the air out of the bag to save space” products to pull it as tight to his body as physically possible.

8 — Describe Dustin’s fashion savvy and sense of style:
a) eh, I’ve seen worse. I guess everyone goes through a high school “tight fit, bright colors” phase…I just thought his would’ve ended after he graduated…college.
b) I just don’t look directly at him when I’m hungover, and we get by ok.
c) I haven’t seen someone with that much neon-orange apparel who wasn’t doing time in the California State Penitentiary.

9 — What’s the first thing you think when you make plans to hang out with Dustin?
a) if we stay in well lit, public places, he wouldn’t put any “moves” on me…would he?
b) I should be ok as long as I call my co-host, Ty Pennington, to come with us.
c) oh, great. Looks like I’ll need to watch my drink all night.

10 — Where do you see Dustin in five years?
a) with me in our decently-priced apartment/condo by the beach in West LA.
b) probably asking me to borrow money that he doesn’t intend to pay back.
c) in the California State Penitentiary for violation of restraining orders and sexual harassment.

…Ok, everyone have your answers written down? Good, here’s the key to find out whether or not you’re married to Dustin Heveron.

If you answered mostly A’s:
You and Dustin are definitely married, or should be. Please be a hot chick with an open mind about boundaries.

If you answered mostly B’s:
You and Dustin aren’t married, you’re just part of the general masses that enjoy his company. Or you’re Paige Davis, host of TV’s Trading Spaces.

If you answered mostly C’s:
You and Dustin are definitely NOT married, and you probably go out of your way to avoid Dustin at any cost. This category also encompasses every girl Dustin’s liked since age 14.

See what I did there? Played the hilarity card for most of the quiz, and then BAM, hit you with a sad emotional truth so it wouldn’t seem so sad in context? Classic. Oh God, I need my therapist (Dr. Jack Daniels, PhD). Which brings me to my next idea for a great bumper-sticker to adorn the back of my ’07 Ford Focus SE. It would say:

Get it? It’s funny ‘cause it’s true! And because I can’t afford a real therapist. And because going to therapy is like admitting you lost at life. Well guess what, life? I WIN this round! See you in overtime, sucka!

And on that note, I bid you adieu for now…hopefully it won’t be a full month before I see your smiling faces again.