In 1994 Bill Tobin, the Indianapolis Colts GM at the time, wondered the same thing: “Who the hell is Mel Kiper?” he questions after Kiper criticized the Colts’ selection of Trev Alberts (his colleague at ESPN now. Hmm, that probably makes for awkward urinal conversation.) over Trent Dilfer. “My mailman knows more about the draft than he does,” Tobin said.

(Thanks to Wikipedia for that juicy nugget. We have no fucking idea what a “wikipedia” is, by the way.)

So we know that he’s the NFL draft guru who uses way too much Dep to slick back his greasy-ass hair.

But seriously, who the fuck is this guy? And what is a draft guru? Can you major in that at college? We’re doubtful he studied draft guruism at Essex Community College where he first became an expert in predicting the outcome of the NFL Draft. (Yes, that’s where Kiper went. Essex. All of you high school kids out there, Essex is NOT the school for you).

Wikipedia also tells us that Kiper never played or coached high school or college ball. It seems, then, that one day Kiper decided to become obsessed with something so he could buddy up with some big sweaty men.

As far as we can tell, Kiper has no background as a scout, so he probably just stayed at a Holiday Inn Express one night and woke up being able to semi-accurately forecast the draft.

We have absolutely no idea what this guy does during the off-season. Though we wouldn’t be at all surprised if Kiper already has a mock draft for 2038.

Regardless of his bizarre professional career, we do get a kick out of the way he talks about players.

An Example (if Tennessee is on the clock):

I think Matt Leinart, quarterback, University of Southern California would be a great fit with Norm Chow, offensive coordinator, Tennessee, his old offensive coordinator at University of Southern California. But I think the pick here is Vince Young, quarterback, Texas, because that’s who Floyd Reese, general manager, Tennessee Titans, favors.

Still, after this whole post to break down The Man, The Myth, The Grease Ball, Mel Kiper Jr., we must pose the same question: who the fuck is Mel Kiper Jr.?

He works for espn and doesn’t even have a 4 YEAR DEGREE!!! That’d be like a bum under a bridge who could forecast traffic variations during the course of the upcoming day after studying it for a year, being hired by CNN headline news to tell you about traffic. Lets face it, no one’s picks are perfect but he picks favorites like crazy and only knows the logistics of the game, not the actual breakdown of a players strengths and weaknesses. Mayock is much better than this guy