Tory Efficiency Details Revealed: Savage Cuts Planned to Whitehall

The Conservative Party have released an election document which details efficiency savings in an effort to limit damage to their campaign from Labour and Liberal claims that such efficiencies could not be met without harming front line services.

The paper “Hop to Victory” has been written in consultation with Sir Peter Gershon and Dr Martin Read, both of whom previously advised Gordon Brown during Labours own efficiency drive. The key point of the paper is the identification of the significant clothing allowances paid to civil servants which ensures that anyone who works outside for over 1 hour per week is given £50 a year to purchase a sturdy pair of sensible brown brogues.
“There are over half a million civil servants, of which half can claim this allowance equating to a total shoe allowance of £12m a year,” Dr Read has explained “but increasing the shoe allowance one hundred fold and then removing one leg from each civil servant would translate to an efficiency saving of £12bn, probably.”

The Labour party has poured scorn on the idea saying that the overheads surrounding the removal of every second civil servant leg would be immensely costly and the planning to ensure that an even number of left and right legs being removed would prove unworkable.
The main unions of the civil service, PCS have released a comment saying that “if such plans were introduced we very much doubt that our members would stand for it.”

The civil servants would be hopping mad about it, I should think. Also, I hear labour say, you've not thought this through. Think of the lost jobs in the sensible brown brogue sector, not to mention the logistics involved in creating a database of civil servants with the same shoe size.

Anyway, back to this. I think you might have the makings of the sort of piece the ed said would be a laugh if it found its way into the Telegraph or something. Maybe not quite so far as enforced amputations, but a row about the savings to be had by making civil servants buy their own suits, brollies and briefcases, as well as their brogues. I haven't thought this through. This isn't the time for thinking things through.

You clearly have not yet contemplated the savings which could be made if the database could identify left and right footed civil servants. Some could use left foot brown brogues, while some could use right foor BBs - the amputations could be synchronised right there in the database.

This would mean we would get full use of the European brown brogue mountain - another hefty saving.

Female Civil Servants? Cough sputter.
I like to think of myself as a pretty modern, 90s kinda guy, but that's pushing things a little too far. I'm all for change, we can't live in the past* and need to move with the times, and all that, but steady on.