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I was planning on writing something else today, finally something not related to the miscarriages; but of course, my friend finally told me himself and I tried my hardest to seem happy for him and his wife, but I failed miserably. I hate not being able to find joy for those who deserve it. I hate that more than anything. It’s not me. It’s me clouded by grief, and I don’t like that me very much. And now I’m sitting here at work and the tears keep falling and I can’t think of anything else but my losses. This is when I don’t like working for men. These particular men are very understanding, but I know they can’t get it and I’ll just seem pathetic needing to go home because I can’t control my tears. I hate this.

When is it going to stop? How do the tears keep coming? Some days I just don’t know how I’m ever going to get through this. This week has been a hard week. I’d like to say that I’m happy it’s over, but I don’t see it getting better in time for next week.

I’m inviting myself to this meeting. I’m in So Cal, which I think means Bodega IS the middle.

And, um, not to diminish your hope of progress here, but I’m 2.5 years down this road, and when I found out my best friend – who has been with her husband a total of nine years, and totally deserves a baby – was pregnant, I cried for days.

But, I’m 2.5 years down this road, so there’s also a part of me that is happy for her. It definitely wasn’t like that for the first several pregnancies I had to deal with after my own…

It really is bloody unfair. I’m in Northern California. Sigh. It might be worth the drive, though! Are you in Western, or Eastern Canada? You are in Canada, right? I grew up in Maine. That’s practically Canada!

Hey hon-
I totally understand where you are. I can’t tell you the number of days I couldn’t stop crying about my losses and couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Until a very brave and smart woman told me that it may be a long road, but I’m already a mommy. No matter how I get there, I’ll eventually have a child (or two or three) to prove it. This was coming from a woman who had been through IF hell, and was on the other side, a happy, stay-at-home mom. She gave me my light at the end of the tunnel. It’s the same one for all of us. Remember that it’s there among the darkness. It’s a long road, but it ends in motherhood. Much love!