LETHARGY CROSSING, England -- Muslim firebrand Abu Izzadeen is to try his luck on UK tea-time quiz Deal or no Deal. The show, hosted by self-proclaimed MessiahNoel Edmonds, has enjoyed huge success with its simple premise in which contestants are offered thousands of pounds only to piss it up the wall to the delight of a rabid crowd high on a cocktail of drugs.

Abu was gushing with praise for the show (now approaching its 87,000th edition): "It is a testament to the wonderfully selfish attitudes of modern society. The sight of a grown man crying bitterly after winning £30,000 but realising he could have won more than £100,000 is truly a joy to behold, I mean for Christ's sake he's just won £30,000 and he looks like his family has just been eaten by a giant squid or something!"

Noel Who? Get off my land!

Izzadeen, real name Trevor, is said to be looking forward to meeting his hero Noel Edmonds. "He has a remarkable calming influence on the contestants - let's see how calming he is when he sees what I have strapped to my chest, mwah hahaha haaa!" Abu said this morning, stroking a white cat and dropping one of his henchmen through a trapdoor into a crocodile pit.

Previous contestant Abu Hamza wished Abu luck from his jail cell last night: "I hope he has better luck than me! I only won 1p to send off to my wives in Afghanistan."

When asked what he would do should he win the top prize of £250,000 Izadeen smiled, "I too have many wives and brothers in Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq. They are all much in need of moneys for foods, medicines, books and C4 explosives. I can only hope to do my bit in making their lives more comfortable."