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Monday, April 17, 2017

Part of me is clearly a scientist. I have this work I have to do and it requires my complete attention, but I don't really want to give it my full attention. The whole let's-all-be-logical-down-to-earth-thinkers-here-and-get-some-good-data is starting to grate on my nerves. I really just want to have it all done, but all the paper work keeps piling up endlessly and that bothers me so much.

Part of me wants to be some chic, artistic, mellow lady who sips tea, reads books, and writes all about my adventures in a thick, expensive journal. I want to sequester myself in a little nook far away at some sea-side villa where no one will ever find me. I want to write, I want to dream, I want to create. I want to walk into an antique store and splurge on silly little nick-nacks that no one cares for, just because.

Part of me wants to never be around people ever again. Turn up the music really loud, paint violently, and scream into my pillow.

And part of me wants to drop everything, go be a missionary in some exotic location, tell people the Gospel, learn a new language, and give up everything I have for the possibility of leading others to Christ.

I am a whirlwind of the unknown. I am as inconsistent as the lines I try to sketch (and let's be real, I can't sketch worth anything). Sometimes it feels like all this stuff I'm doing now is just to pass the time so I can do what really needs doing later. Like I'm stuck in a waiting room, anxious and tired, but the train will pull up soon enough and I'll get on and be whisked away to some distant, melodious adventure.

Of course, all this line of thought will disappear tomorrow, when I'm back in the lab quarreling with the software that runs my experiments. But it's always kind of there - rustling in its own little frustrated way beneath the surface. It's probably one of the reasons I get this overwhelming desire to wander at times, and because I have no where to wander I simply devour book after book until part of me is a little bit more okay with my current lot in life.

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comments:

*hugs* It appears those of us drawn to both sciences and the arts get that lovely feeling of being torn between things that are sometimes feel like complete opposites. Which is not to say I've figured out yet how to deal with it yet. But...I completely get what you're saying here. It's one reason I listen to Vienna Teng's music - the simple fact that she has managed to do both music and science makes me like her. XDWe might have to focus on one of the things we love more than others at particular points in our lives. But so long as we keep Love as our center calling, the rest will balance out in the end. <3

Aw thanks!!! <3 I love her music too; it's very soothing. I'm glad I'm not alone in loving both science and arts. Sometimes too much of one thing can limit your understanding of the world, so I find having a healthy (or trying to have a healthy) balance of both can be beneficial. I always tell my students that if I hadn't decided to probe the depths of the human neuromuscular system, I'd probably be off doing a Victorian literature degree in England, or working as a missionary in Ukraine :P And you're right - as long as Christ is Center and we obey His voice, then we have nothing to worry about.

About The Minstrel

I'm a PhD student in the field of neuromuscular physiology, but in my spare time I'm a fiction/fantasy writer and a poet. I also have a secret infatuation with Victorian literature.
I'm a Christian and proud of it!
I enjoy mountain climbing and sports + I love horses and riding bareback. I'm the oldest (an overgrown kid at this point) in a family of 4 (1 tiny 6'7" sibling) and adore my little clan with much ferocity. We all love cats and cows.