Had dinner with the ex wife tonight, sushi and sake and sitting across from someone who was always more my friend than partner. she said we sort of saved each other when we were young. both from troubled situations seeing the strength in each other that helped cover the insecurity and lack of confidence we had in ourselves. we are both finding it now. we still don't take compliments well and are surprised when other people say we are good looking cuz all those years of doing for the greater good was about hiding ourselves. me gay, her someone who despite her strict lutheran upbringing was now entitled to enjoy sex damn it. I had to stop her when she starting talking about jumping her bf's bones. TMI but you go girl!

For me, its about connecting with my bf and being as open and frank emotionally and sexually as possible. The key our new T said was this simple:

Turn in ! Not out!

wtf? just that, pay attention, acknowledge the progress and steps we take to work together. Don't just nod but be invested in what your partner ( or co-worker) has to say and share. Turn in not out!Dont yada yada yada your life away.

So i asked my bf if i validate him. Mostly he said but because of my ADHD and CSA i tend to either gloss over it or close down when tough emotional issues are on the table. Ouch and point taken. So I am understanding that despite myself if I can acknowledge at least where he is coming from, he feels validated and yet in an assertive way I can still say how when he is aggressive with his actions/emotions it makes me feel triggered and I need my boundaries respected. So we can disagree and still be in a win/win situation. That could have never have happened before.

So i go to the gym and have a great workout. I am wearing my new underwear so understandably i am feeling very free and yet very fashion forward. ( thank you andrew christian http://www.andrewchristian.com/index.php/coolflex-brief-w-show-it-tech-15480.html) . I run into a buddy of mine who is a T who happens to treat sexual addiction. He said to me, you inspired me to get in shape and take looking after myself more seriously. Really? I replied. How ? He said you have made so many changes in the last 3 + years and i see a man who is more confident and connected with the bonus of being bigger and stronger ( my sons just say my head is shrinking with age) . So he continues, the way I look at weight training is the way I look at therapy. You need advice on proper lifting and training cuz when you first get into a gym no one has a clue. Therapy is like that, Gym for the brain

Fucking brilliant. So many people and all of us Survivors never had a chance at brain gym. Yes we got throw on the merry go round til we puked, teeter totter tricks where the other person jumped off while we were in the air and all sorts of other cruel callisthenics but never did we ever get a hand on the shoulder saying watch and learn. So T is like having a backboard to bounce your shit off of and someone saying , nice throw kid or wtf? were you thinking, try it this way.

So thats why i am gay and glad. Cuz its ok to fuck up , be fucked up and still not worry that you are being fucked over cuz you got dealt a fuck load of shit. We get to be ourselves and not have to pretend we are something other than fabulous.

quick note: me my bf, and my two str8 best friends since high school are rocking it old school at a QUEEN concert this w/e. Ironic does not begin to cover it. When the music starts , I am turning in.

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The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

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Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Hey 1lifenow! That was an amazing, and as Don said, INSPIRING, post! I am so happy for you. You have articulated some deep insight into the recovery process as well as the coming out and LIVING out process. Love and acceptance of one's self and others, as well as providing room for continual maintenance and strength building (in multiple ways)! This is a really revelant post to me right now and what I am going through, particularly during this time of self-reflection on my recovery journey as well as my quest to re-shape my body and redefine my life.

I've been going through a gay movie marathon on netflix for awhile now. I'm 65, and am just now getting recovered enough to begin to retrieve some damaged early places. I'm just now retrieving myself from 17-20, a very dark time for me, and a time where I just sort of gave up on the idea of there ever being a ME that could ever have anything to do with who I actually am.

Well, I've been working my butt off for a long time. Finally, I am able to retrieve this young GAY self of mine, hold me in the wisdom, maturity, love, compassion and forgiveness of my 65 year old self, and allow GAY ME at 17-20 come into the present with all the wonder, awe, and sense of exploration of 17-20 permission to express itself fully NOW. I know this is a process. I'm so grateful there are so many wonderful movies to inspire me without all the baggage of 45 years ago.

Thank you guys for being here. Feeling connection with you here is a prelude to taking me out into the world of other gay guys outside my physical front door.

Don

_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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