On Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

The Guys' Guy's Secrets to a Successful Marriage

Robert Manni - Thursday, February 04, 2016

It took a long time for me to get
married…a really long time.

In fact, I waited so long that
family members didn’t badger me about this sensitive topic during
holiday get-togethers. My fate appeared sealed so no one even
bothered asking me any more, not even my mother. Although I had never
taken the leap, I didn't have a firm stance against the institution.
In fact, I looked forward to marrying and experiencing that watershed
life stage. But it could only take place with one caveat. It had to
feel right. Us Guy’s Guys don’t believe in half steps like
starter marriages, whatever that is. Marriage is a sacrament, so
unless I went all in, I wasn’t going in at all. Sure, I had a number
of long-term relationships with women that I loved. But deep down I
never felt right about any of those situations, so I waited and
waited and waited. Of course I was at fault for not cutting things
off once I knew these relationships were not going any further. I was
wrong and both my partners and me paid a price in lost time because
of my indecision and lollygagging. That said, I enjoyed all those
relationships and did not feel a sense of failure once the window
closed. I got dumped every time and you could say I deserved to learn
my lessons the hard way.

After numerous forays into the online
dating pool, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t getting any younger
and if I was ever going to get married, it had to happen soon. There
was no panic or anxiety though. I realized that I was mentally,
spiritually, and physically ready to take the next step. All I needed
to do was meet the right woman for me. And even though I was not
dating at the time, deep down I was intuitively aware that I’d get
married soon. I just felt it in my bones. One Thanksgiving Day, after
dinner I told my Mom I was planning on get married the following
year. She was delighted and asked me who was the lucky lady (her
words, not mine). I told her I had no idea, but I knew I was ready
because I had made room for the right person to come into my life.
Six months later I met my future wife. We were engaged exactly one
year later to the day and were married very close to one year after
that. We are now closing in on six happy years of marriage and are
the proud parents of a wonderful little boy. So today, your Guy’s
Guy is offering his insights, limited as they may be compared to
those who’ve been married way longer than me, on the things that
have made my transition to married life joyful and successful.

Drum roll, please…

1. Hold out for the right partner.

This was my most important learning. I
paid a price due to my age by waiting so long to get married and
having a child. But I feel it was meant to be and ultimately for the
best. My heart has never wavered and I have no doubts about my
making the right choice. I probably would have been relatively happy
if I’d have married one of my former lovers, but would I have the
knowing peace of mind a man needs after making the big commitment?
I’m not sure about that.

My future wife sent me a card after a
few dates with a hand written inscription stating, “I believe in
you.” That flipped the switch for me. Sure everything else was
working out nicely, but those words every man yearns to hear from his
partner. I keep the card tucked in a drawer as a reminder, although
my wife frequently reminds me of her sentiments, even when the going
gets tough. This made all the waiting worthwhile.

I’m sure some of you singles are
questioning my simplistic purview. Finding true love is never easy
and it may not happen for everyone in this lifetime. But don’t
settle. Loving yourself, making room for someone, and keeping an open mind are the keys to finding the right partner. Remember that if
you compromise, will you end up asking yourself if you did the right
thing? Will you burn even more time in an unfulfilling relationship?

2. Know when you’re ready and then
let go.

As mentioned, I created space in my
heart and the right consciousness to allow a new person to come into
my life. In retrospect, this was a very important aspect of making my
connection. In order attract and bring the right things into our
loves we need to rid ourselves of the internal clutter that bogs us
down psychologically and create a warm and inviting space for new
love to grow. Keep your heart open. It really works in attracting
love and in many areas of our lives. Make room for what you want and
have faith that you are exactly where you need to be right now. Don’t
press. Let it happen.

3. Find someone who shares your
values.

Some people think this means making
sure you and your partner are simpatico about money and that’s
really important, but values are more than just money. Values include
many other aspects of partnering including how they treat people and
their extended family. And not every couple is in synch with their
visions concerning lifestyle, sex, children, family, work, where and
how to live, and even politics. If partners disagree on core values,
they’ll need to be addressed with clear, honest communication or a
chasm will grow.

4. Don’t turn small stuff into big
problems.

There are two things on television that
I despise—real estate fixer upper shows and those damn housewives.
And although my wife has two masters and is the smartest person I
know, she loves watching those programs. So what’s a Guy’s Guy to
do? After being single for decades I became accustomed to getting my
own way all the time, so this created a potential dilemma. This was
certainly more of an annoyance than a problem, but some of small
stuff can blow up if people do not compromise. I thought about how
generous my wife is and realized that she deserves her minor
indulgence without my sniping over her shoulder while she watched her
favorite housewives in Beverly Hills and Orange County. So on Tuesday
nights, I retire to my study and work on my content. The real estate
shows can be more of an issue because they are ubiquitous, but I tune
them out, knowing that the next installment of ESPN Sports Center is
only a few short hours away. Which leads me to…

5. Put your partner’s needs first.

Minor sacrifices as I described above
are only the beginning to forging a fruitful marriage built on
respect. I urge my wife to take break from our kid and go out with
her friends. And I make it my priority to take care of the dishes,
empty the garbage, recycling, and do the laundry. After all, she
really takes great care of my son and me. I should do more, but I’m
spoiled and bad habits don’t die easily. Being mindful of your
partner is a process, but we all have to make modest sacrifices for
the greater good. Which brings us to our next point…

5. Keep dating your partner.

A romantic brunch (even though I hate
brunch), a movie, flowers, or a vacation are obvious ways to keep
stoking the romantic fires. So are keeping up with the chores and not
complaining. It’s easy to take your marriage for granted and use
your partner as a sounding board and psychic dumping ground for the
shitty things in your life. Try not to be that guy. You want to share
your feelings and concerns with your partner, but try to also include
your dreams and aspirations as well as the things you’d like to do
together as part of your verbal intimacy. And keep surprising your
partner. That includes you too, ladies. Make him feel like Mr. Big
now and then, especially after a tough day of changing diapers and
being domestic.

I’m scratching the surface to what
makes a marriage work. And marriage is not always a picnic. Job
stress, money, and sex become elephants in the room if we are not
mindful and open to discussions. The most important question to
answer is if your marriage is making you happy. If you are not happy,
look into your heart and ask why. Then have a talk with your partner
and see if you can reclaim the common ground that brought you
together. We grow and people change. And not every marriage is going
to work. But we want to respect our relationship and give it our best
shot.

Marriage can be joyful. It can be
fulfilling. If you keep love at the core of your marriage, you’ve
give yourself the best opportunity to make it work.

This week’s Guy’s Guys of the
Week are Serge and Carol Manni. My dad and mom have been married
for 65 years. But they are not always in the same page. However their
marriage was built on a solid foundation of love for one another.
Thank you, Mom and Dad for teaching me the value of love.