Friday, May 20, 2011

PSYCHIC ATTACK ON DAVID WILLETTS - MAY 22, 2am

WHY?

David Willetts is just one of scores of Tory shitbags that could have been selected for this attack but, in short: he's the reason your kids probably aren't going to university any time soon, unless you farm out your organs on eBay. He's also claimed that the primary cause of mass redundancies / unemployment is WOMEN, all of whom got ideas above station and LEFT THE KITCHEN UNATTENDED, in order to pursue frivolous pastimes such as getting jobs that maybe won't make them want to sever their arteries in silent frustration. However, truth is that Willetts could discover a cure for cancer tomorrow morning and he'd still deserve it, 'cos he's a Tory. Even if you hate students, you should all take part in this attack, because he looks like a paedophile, inn'it.

WHEN?

The attack will take place at 6pm PDT / 9pm EST / 2am GMT on Sunday, to tie in with the anticipated 'Rapture' celebrations. For those not in the know: 89-year old evangelical arch-warlock Harold Camping and his followers are ganging up in California to usher in 'The Rapture', when Jesus Christ is expected to turn up in a chopper, whisk the chosen, saved few to paradise and obliterate the rest of us, because He's had it with Richard Dawkins' bullshit. Regardless of whether or not the Big Yin actually shows, Camping has unwittingly sparked off a chain of global media coverage, generated a fast breeder meme and opened up a temporary gateway between parallel universes - simply by getting more than 23 people involved. What WE'RE going to do is take advantage of this reality gap and hitch a ride on Camping's coattails.

Think of it like this: the Rapture mob are having a huge party in the flat downstairs. We're simply going to lower a cable into their flat and syphon some of their psychic electricity for our own purposes.

There's been a lot of crappy debate about WHEN we should actually do this, with people arguing the toss about the accuracy of time zones, yadda yadda, but 2am on Sunday morning is a good time to get the UK involved. Most people will be out, partying, drinking and dancing, and these Dionysian conditions can't fail to bolster the effects of our ruthless psychic strike on the hapless Tory gimp. And, let's face it, this is going to be a better use of your mobile at that time than texting your ex from the top of a night bus, apologising and grovelling for a second chance.

As long as more than 23 people take part in this attack, we'll be playing a full hand - and Willetts' miserable fate will be sealed...

HOW?

I am now going to reveal a powerful sigil, which you can easily type on your keyboard or keypad. We are going to invoke a particularly strong image - namely, the GREAT GOD PAN urinating copiously onto David Willetts' face.

To do this you will simply need to manipulate your D, C, 8, =, -, () and O keys, to create the following sigil:

8===D ---- C(-o-o-)D

Feel free to freestyle on the length of Pan's plonker, or the quantities of the jets of pee, but you should adhere to this basic template. All sigils should be posted in the 'Sigils Box' at the end of this post ((usually masquerading as 'Comments'))BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 2-3am GMT. Remember: while you type the sigil, you should actually try to imagine the Piper of Arcadia cackling with glee as he vents the steaming contents of his bladder at a cowering Willetts. ((EDIT - Fuck that - use Twitter, saves a load of scrolling and clicking around here. If you haven't got Twitter, sign up for an account now, takes about a minute. Please RT everyone else who tweets the SIGIL OF VENGEANCE between 2-3am)).

PLEASE NOTE: the Sigils Box should ONLY be used for the above sigil, and as a contribution to the mass Willetts mindfuck. This isn't the time to start wishing for a lover or a lottery win - we need to conserve as many psychic volts as possible to fling in Willetts' direction.