Ferguson and My White-Looking Son

If you’ve been reading my work, you already know that I am a black woman married to a white man. I have two children, both of which are unique blends of the best of my husband and me. They are unique for biracial children, mostly because they could easily pass as white—only. My son has the most distinctively white features, namely his fair skin and bone-straight fine hair. On more than one occasion when we’ve been out together, I’ve been asked if I was the babysitter or the nanny. His ethnicity is undeniably difficult to pin down. And as I’ve watched the horror in Ferguson, MO unfold, I couldn’t help but wonder what it will be like for my son as he grows into a young man. My experience will be significantly different than his, simply because of the generation gap, but most definitely as well because of the color of his skin.

My son may never experience what many young black boys and what most black men inevitably do. He will be treated as a white male. He has a privilege that many biracial children do not have (not being judged by the way he looks) because he looks like a white boy. I find myself constantly in an interesting position. I have a son who is essentially white. He has both a black and white parent, but he looks white. And so I think through a different lens about my children than many of my black brothers and sisters. I wonder what the world will be like for him as a child who could pass as white grappling with the injustice and continual racism against those who look like his mother. But as I’ve watched the outcry of many for the tragic loss of a young man, Michael Brown, I also wonder if my son will feel fearful, isolated, and alone.

Before I continue, I want to make it extremely clear that I believe the death of Brown is deeply saddening and a travesty. We don’t know everything, but many of us can’t help but think there could have been a different outcome for both Brown and the officer. There have been more articles and blog posts and news coverage stories about what happened to count. I agree with much of what I’ve read. I am praying that justice will be served and peace will engulf Ferguson. I am praying for true racial reconciliation that I believe is obtained by acknowledging the pain of those who have been and continue to be wounded. And though I feel quite passionately about many of the issues this tragedy has brought to light, I’ve waited and prayed and I’ve thought deeply about my beautiful son.

I find myself mourning the loss of a young man I’ve never known, grieving over the police and the looting and the racist undertones of comments found throughout social media, and thanking God that in time he will make all things new. And I’m processing this issue for young black boys and my young white-looking boy.

And here are my fears:

Because he is white-looking, I fear my son will grow up in an environment that is hostile towards white males. I do live in the south where racial tension and strife have plagued our history. So what if we end up doing just the thing we’ve fought so hard to stop? What if we, black Americans, begin judging other brothers and sisters solely based on the color of their skin? Could my son be thought of as an ignorant, uncaring, privileged white male? There is a good and needed call to repentance, action, and – at the very least – acknowledgement that there remains a problem in America regarding racial reconciliation. We haven’t arrived—far from it. And yet I wonder how it feels to be a white male in America today. There are some who have indeed acknowledged that racism continues to rot the hearts of men and women—even those within the Church. There are many who feel a weight of responsibility that could prove to be useful, but there are others who I believe feel a weight of responsibility, guilt, and fear. I want my son to know about our country’s history, to realize the sin of man, and to not retreat when faced with difficult and heart wrenching situations like that of Ferguson. But I don’t want him to walk around feeling guilt, shame, and fear.

And then I feel a sense of relief that he won’t have to worry about so much of what I was anxious about as a child and of what other black males have to worry about today. I hate that I feel relief for that. I hate that our country continues to be in a state that is unhealthy for young black men. It saddens me to know that my daughter, on the other hand, could have a completely different experience from her brother because she looks more like a biracial child. Strangers will most likely assume she has “something else” in her. This feeling of relief should not be. Of course no one wants their child to go through pain and sorrows—especially over God-given good things like the color of one’s skin. But relief is not the answer. It is a problem. It is a problem because it reveals a heart that is weary of fighting this fight and doesn’t want the most special people in her life to need to fight. But the truth is my son will need to fight against injustice and racial prejudice because he lives in a broken world.

I am praying for reconciliation and that our country will be a place where we can speak openly about the remaining difficulties of young black men. All the while, I’m praying we do it without isolating our white brothers. I want my son to know that the struggle is real and that sin is great but God is greater. I pray he won’t be judged by the color of his skin. I pray for a unity that can only be found in the gospel. There will be a time when we will no longer wait for reconciliation—it will be glorious. Every tribe and tongue and nation will be worshipping together in one accord. But until then, we wait and pray for His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven. God who calls us is faithful, he will surely do it (1 Thess.5:24).

Related

8 Comments

Thanks Trillia for the gospel work you are doing to facilitate conversation on racism and diversity. It’s such a multifaceted issue with many angles that can’t be seen from our own unique perspective. Thanks for opening my eyes to the things I can’t see from where I stand. Hugs to you!

We join hands with you, your husband, and your children actively joining in reconciliation, seeking the peace of the city, anticipating the coming newness through Jesus.

Lili Miller
on August 26, 2014 at 1:32 am

Well written, Trilia. I can feel the mother’s love throughout this article. I agree that both sides, black and white, will need to continue to work on acceptance. I do see the racism against white males and it saddens me that people would replace one hate with another. I am Filipino but grew up in the South. I have very close white and black friends and of course family members of all colors and backgrounds. What I have found is that for the most part, one on one, people tend to see each other as people and forget the learned prejudices. Unfortunately, despite what people say, there is still so much segregation especially in the South still. When we moved back to TN in 2007, we had a hard time finding a church that was neither all black or all white. We finally found one in Watertown that was truly mixed..as it should be. In any case, because of the segregation from both sides, people are not able to relate and develop close bonds. To feel each other’s sameness. We do need to continue to strive for unity for all people living in our country being careful not to replace one racism with another. Thank you for your honesty and courage. God’s blessings.

Stacey Westfall
on August 27, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Thank you for this article. I am a biracial child, my father is black and mother is white and can attest to the difficulties of growing up biracial. My sisters and I are seen as privileged, even though we did not grow up as such. I can say from a child’s perspective that the most hurtful thing a family member can say to a biracial child is that they do not understand racism because they are white looking and couldn’t have experienced it themselves. So it is refreshing to hear a mother who understands the difficulites that her biracial children will face.

Boom Shakalaka
on August 31, 2014 at 11:21 pm

If you and your husband raise your son to respond appropriately to authority and to respect all people and their property then he will not have a problem with the police, no matter his perceived ethnicity. This is a fact.

In a society that reeks with sin,the sin of “I am better than you because I happened to be born to a privileged group”,which is pride.It may not matter how diligent you are in raising your son to respect authority! There are consequences to pay when we are not aware ” that we all are EQUALLY fallen human beings”