7 Terrifying Real-Life Halloween Monsters We've All Encountered

Ahh! Look out! This terrifying hellbeast is depraved enough to think it's both hilarious and acceptable for a fully grown man with a beard to wear a skin-colored body suit with a gigantic pubic bush! Avoid his gaze at all costs, for he will not hesitate to rub it against you in attempt to entertain his cohorts. If given the chance, stab him through the chest.

Don't be fooled by the seductive siren song of a swanky Paperless Post. You will follow your so-called "friend" for the better part of an hour only to be greeted by an hour-long line, a fifty dollar cover charge, a recently closed open bar, and eventually a dank room full of sweaty, unbearable douchebags in Gatsby attire. What terrors! What horrors! What creeps!

A mindless hellraiser, this fearsome demon lacks any sort of sensitivity, common sense, or cultural understanding. Your best defense is distance -- for if you end up in the same Facebook picture as this fuckup, you may well find yourself on Gawker or one of its ilk, frozen for eternity next to this stupid ignorant piece of shit monster.

Keep your eyes directly ahead of you at all times. This wide-eyed wraith lurks wherever people gather, beckoning the unwilling through eye contact so that he may feast upon their inquisitive attention. He thrives on the polite, the listeners, the nerds with specific Dr. Who one-off character knowledge. He spares no one.

This ogre, lost in an alcohol-induced stupor, will tilt and tumble his way through a party, slurring into any conversation because "it's Halloween, mothafuckas!!" He wreaks of vodka and puke, and is likely dressed up as something like "Billy Joe Armstrong from the American Idiot video." Cut him off and kick him out.

This insufferable mutant reveals the depths of his true nature by refusing to engage in normal human conversation. "Excuse me, do you where the bathroom is?" "MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE!!" "Seriously, is it over there?" "Hey, listen, you stay classy, San Die-" "Nevermind." Drop everything and run.

This evil spirit will greet people by pointing up and down at his costume, looking around with a grin for approval, and saying "Too soon? Too soon? Oh, come on, guys." He may identify himself by several names, such as "comedian" or "provocateur" or "someone who actually can take a joke, Jesus." But nope! Fuck this guy. Fuck him! Fuck him.