Jim Newell is Wonkette’s beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our “Senior Editor at Large.” He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

I also understand that Ducks do enjoy Water, and when sprinkled on their backs, it tends to Bead Up and simply Roll Off.

swgm

Also, Harry Potter is a wizard. Also.

V572625694

In case anyone still labors under the misconception that polling is “scientific” or “objective,” Gallup has provided a set of directions (which are totally vapid) for the Repugs to get back in business:

“Republicans have a clear monopoly on the allegiance of white conservative Americans, but the GOP’s challenge is figuring out whether this is enough of a base on which to build for the future. The alternative is for the GOP to broaden its base to include more minorities and/or more whites who are moderate or liberal in their ideological outlook — groups now predominantly loyal to the Democratic Party…

“A great deal of attention has been paid to the plight of Republicans who at this juncture in history find themselves not controlling the presidency, the House, or the Senate. Plus, numerous surveys conducted by Gallup and other firms have shown that the GOP appears to be suffering on a number of perceptual dimensions compared to the Democrats (as measured by Gallup and by other recent surveys).

“The data reviewed here highlight an essential dilemma the Republicans face as they ponder their future. The Republican Party’s constituency is overwhelmingly white — and the significant majority of those whites are ideologically conservative, while a majority are highly religious, as defined by church attendance. The Democratic Party, on the other hand, has more than three times the percentage of nonwhites among its identifiers as does the GOP. And white Democrats are much more likely to be moderate or liberal than conservative, and are much more likely to be infrequent church attenders rather than frequent church attenders.

“Does the Republican Party in essence “stick to the knitting” and cling to its core conservative principles? Or should the Republicans make an effort to expand their base — among whites who are moderate or less religious, and/or the various nonwhite groups who to this point are largely ignoring the Republican Party in favor of the Democrats? The decision the party makes in response to this question could be pivotal in helping determine its future.”

NoWireHangers

[re=328942]saggyboobedhag[/re]: Smokes meth and hires hookers.

mrpuma2u

Wow that is some cutting edge stuff!!! Did that say “heavy and white” ??? What religion are these fat whiteys?? Scientologist? Or that other wacky cult with the talking snake and zombie saviour?? (apologies to Bill Maher for the last bit)

Advocatus_Diaboli

They do have some interesting half-Jew/half-Koreans, though.

rereridiculous

According to a recent Gallop poll, Gallop does polling.

magic titty

Republicans are Division 1A football coaches?

Itsjustme

How do they define Ann Horseface?

CockedAle

Pew Forum also shows that white conservative religious Republicans love torture more than the godless libruls.

queeraselvis v 2.0

Republicans are more likely to eat dog shit. Also.

octupletsmom

And paranoid. Also.

dijetlo

[re=328933]Rush[/re]: Somebody had to be Libertarian.

BioCookie

[re=328956]rereridiculous[/re]: FTW

x111e7thst

[re=328951]NoWireHangers[/re]: Hey – those are two of my favorite pastimes!

Rush

[re=328962]Itsjustme[/re]:

Cuntly

x111e7thst

[re=328963]CockedAle[/re]: The only love torture because it’s what Jeebus would do to keep US ‘Murrica free.

Servo

Republicans are also most likely to be sex offenders. They make sex extremely offensive.

JMP

[re=328949]V572625694[/re]: Gallup’s a bunch of RINOs who must be drummed out of the party. Only by becoming even more right-wing and insular can the Republicans succeed!

zenferret

[re=328964]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Only the Korean Jewish ones…. wait you said shit. I thought you just said dog.

I would also like to point out that Gallup will find that the world is round too; except in the minds of most of those heavy, white, conservative, and Christian types. They still believe the world is flat, and that Adam and Eve had Dinosaurs as pets.

mollymcguire

At this juncture in history, Republicans control neither the White House nor the Congress. They do, however, control the public men’s rooms.

Giant Robot

Nate Silver, are you out there? Help me understand this poll.

queeraselvis v 2.0

Gays mostly gay, Gallup finds.

hobospacejunkie

Continue publishing startling insights like these and Gallup should have as bright a future as the GOP.

Did they poll for other correlative indicia, like: Lives in a trailer park, has a gun rack, home skools their kiddies so they don’t learn about commie theories like “evolution” and “gravity”, belongs to the “Christian Soldiers” Flag Football team at their megachurch, accuses American Indians of being “immigrants”, etc.? We want the full list!!!!

paintitblack

…the sky is blue except when it’s grey…

TGY

Shocked! Shocked, I say!

Blender

Gallup’s pollster must have been riding the same bus I do cuz that’s what the crazy bum that always sits next to me says about the GOP base. Tomorrow’s “poll” will probably “find” that Americans believe Frank Zappa was a victim of experimental hormone therapy gone horribly wrong or my personal favorite, all bus drivers are former Nazi SS prison guards (even the black ones).

Zadig

[re=329026]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: So far, you’ve guessed that I was Mark Goodfellow (who is filming a reality show pilot!!!), and now Wyatt Bunker. I’m afraid I’m nowhere near such an illustrious (read: corrupt, crazy, trashy and/or racist) Memphis resident. Just a humble college student at Memphis’ Nth most illustrious university, on the 7-year plan, studying moonrunes and international diplomacy, consoled with the knowledge that if I had anything even approaching responsibility I could have graduated from a better school a month ago.

I’m half-joking, of course. U of M isn’t all that bad, really. Except that now we have no budget anymore.

But yeah. Fuck Wyatt Bunker. I was reading the CA story about that whole deal, with the lady shouting about the “God hates shellfish” argument, and I reflected on the glory of our city, where the debate on gay rights never leaves the purely theological realm.

queeraselvis v 2.0

[re=329135]Zadig[/re]: Oh Zadig, I do but kid about your being Mark “It’s ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL good” Goodfellow or Wyatt “There ain’t no queers in my district, and if there were I’d string ’em all up” Bunker. This city… what can I say that you haven’t already said so eloquently? Thank God for fellow Memphians like you on Wonkette, or I’d be convinced that Memphis is indeed where all intelligent life goes to die.

proudgrampa

WTF? People and organizations pay for this crap??

Lionel Hutz Esq.

All right, let’s just give them Mississippi and GM, repatriate Rush Limbaugh to Vicksburg, and call it even.

problemwithcaring

[re=328942]saggyboobedhag[/re]: What’s Gallup’s definition of conservative? Believes abstaining from sex means sex up the ass, in men’s bathrooms and with prepubescent boys? Believes in traditional family values, except when selling out the wife and kids for good ol’ tits and ass or money and power? Believes protection “of country” means “from citizen darkies”?

lawrenceofthedesert

George Gallup is beginning to realize the challenges of managing day-to-day operations of a polling organization long after you have died.

Scandalabra

If anyone ever gets around to writing “The History of Duh?!”, this poll will be cited.

AKAM80TheWolf

See, they’re straying from their core values. They need more pandas soliciting young teen boys for sex.