Learning to Forgive

It happened right before my first exam in college. I opened the small fridge, grabbed a bottle from the package of water that I shared with my roommate and drank it while I was looking over my notes one last time. As I was drinking it my roommate walked in and stared at me with a look of utter horror across her face.

“You’re drinking the water bottle with the X on it,” she said, lunging towards me to grab the bottle.

“What X? What are you talking about?” I asked.

“I put some stuff in that one to help me sleep. I didn’t get a chance to tell you, but that’s why I put that big X on the back of it,” she explained.

I looked at my roommate, a, shy, studious girl from some town I had never heard of. On the first day as we were setting up our room she told me, “You’re the first Jew I’ve ever met.” As a native New Yorker, that struck me as absurd, but she was the first religious Catholic that became my friend and my ignorance must have seemed strange to her too.

I tried to reconcile her nightly prayers and spiritual posters with this new information that she had put drugs into a Poland Spring bottle. I stared down at my notes and then up again at her. The professor’s voice echoed in my mind: There will be no make ups for this exam.

“I’m sorry,” she almost whispered.

I closed my notebook and stood up. I felt okay, but I was starting to get nervous. And angry. “How much was in there?” I asked, pushing my desk chair back.

“You’re going to fall asleep,” she said lamely.

“I have an exam in ten minutes. I have to take it. I can’t believe you did this.” I pulled on my jacket.

“I marked the bottle. I was going to warn you,” she mumbled.

“Yeah, but you didn’t. And now I’m going to fail because of you.”

I slammed the door behind me just as I heard her last plea echoing behind me. “I’m really sorry, but you shouldn’t go. You might fall asleep there.”

I made it through the exam somehow, fighting to keep myself awake. Fortunately it was multiple choice and somehow I passed. But afterwards, as I lay down in the dorm and finally slept, I felt the first flicker of resentment wash over me. And I wondered how I was going to last for the rest of the year with a roommate like this. Over the next couple of weeks, I did my best to ignore her besides for a few sentences here and there. I went about my life, and she went about hers. I moved my water bottles to my desk. I stayed out late and woke up early.

Until it was erev Yom Kippur. I was on my way out the door when my roommate looked up from her books.

“Why are you all dressed up? It’s not the Jewish Sabbath yet.”

I stood with my hand on the doorknob and glanced at myself in the mirror. I saw my white cardigan. I saw the machzor in my arms and then I saw my face – angry, guarded, resentful. I looked down at the floor. I am so ashamed of myself, I suddenly realized. I can’t even look in the mirror. It suddenly dawned on me how difficult it must be to live with me. My alarm clock going off before dawn every day. The light over my bed that my roommate remembered to leave alone each Shabbos. My snobby crowd of sorority friends who floated in on Saturday nights without even saying hello to her. My entitled nature that wove its way through my designer wardrobe and self -absorbed impatience. I looked up again into the mirror and thought: I am a hard person to live with.

“No, this is a different holiday.”

It’s Yom Kippur. I’m about to ask God for forgiveness, and I can’t even look my roommate in the eye. It’s Yom Kippur. I’m about to stand for hours in prayer. About to fast. About to plead for life. And I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

I put down my machzor on my desk and sat down. I looked at my roommate and opened my mouth to apologize, but the words wouldn’t come out. I didn’t know what to say. We sat there for a moment as the sun began its descent, and I began to panic. Yom Kippur was about to start, and I couldn’t even speak.

But my roommate seemed to sense my struggle. “It’s okay,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” I finally told her.

“I know. It’s okay. Your light stays on for this holiday too?” she asked looking across the room at the lamp near my bed.

“Yeah. Thank you by the way. Thank you for being such a great roommate.” She smiled as I rushed out the door, watching the image of white flash by in the mirror, a reflection of forgiveness turned in on itself.

It’s Yom Kippur. A time to forgive and accept forgiveness. A time to let go.

Here are five ways to let go:

1. Look in the Mirror. Recognize that you are a difficult person to live with, that you have your own imperfections and limitations that others have to deal with all the time. Forgive the weaknesses of others the same way you overlook your own mistakes.

2. See the Big Picture. Think of Yom Kippur as a lookout on the top of a mountain that you have been climbing all year. See your days and their moments spread out before you. Be willing to look now at this big picture of your life. Your ultimate goals. Your beliefs. See each person in your life as part of that picture. What lesson have they taught you even if you had to learn it through pain? What message is God sending you by putting this person in your life?

3. Say Something. Asking forgiveness doesn’t require a long letter or a meticulously planned speech. Often we just need to say something. Anything. I’m sorry. Let’s start over. I want to talk. It’s that first step that begins to chip away at the buried resentment.

4. Break the Cycle. Sometimes we get into patterns with people that we love that aren’t working. Even if you feel that you are ‘right,’ break out of the cycle. Stop having the same argument over and over again. Have the courage to put blame aside and say: Let’s start over. “Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results; insanity is doing the same thing over and over again knowing full well what the results will be.” Anonymous

5. Forgive Life. Sometimes we resent others for hard circumstances in our own lives. It is easier to blame people than to face our own disappointments. We need to go one step further. To forgive God for all of our frustrations and challenges. To forgive Him for hiding His Face when we needed Him most. To forgive Him for the times when it seemed like He gave up on us altogether. To now turn around and say thank You. For life. For another chance. For the gift of forgiveness itself. Knock incessantly on the closing gate of Yom Kippur. He wants to forgive us and for us to forgive.

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

Thank you fir such an honest encapsulation of your story. It was captivating and heartwarming for all religions. Yom Kippur is how we should all live our lives each day.

(19)
M N,
October 2, 2014 5:28 PM

thanks

Thank you , you make simple to understand the true meaning of repentance

winnie wright,
October 2, 2014 7:19 PM

You have no idea how this has helped me understand forgiveness. Toda.

(18)
April Sharrock,
September 30, 2014 4:19 AM

Thank you for your raw honesty.It is helping me to face the lack of perfection in myself as well as to soften my expectations of others.

(17)
Melody Keegan,
September 30, 2014 12:22 AM

thank you so much, I really needed this.

Easy reading, the hard part will be actually following through. Thank you for the encouragement.

(16)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2014 11:43 PM

truly forgive

Prior to reading this article, I was very angry that a living relative of mine did not call, text or email me to wish me a La Shana Tova even though I did email her. Now I realize I should forgive her and not carry it through to the New Year. Thank you for letting me see myself in a different light.

(15)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2014 8:15 PM

God Knows All. Leave it at that.

This may sound silly, but why do we always question or blame God when bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to both good and bad people. Didn't Scripture say God lets the sunshine and the rain fall on the good and the bad alike. I cannot possibly try to understand the Holocaust, not only of the loss of the six million Jewish people but also the fourteen million others who died needlessly at the hands of Hitler, Stalin, and Hirohito. We have to forgive all those and be assured in our minds that God has taken care of the evil ones, and has blessed the good and the Innocent who died and has brought them to the bosom of Abraham to dwell with Him. When I pray to God, I say very simply, " Lord God of the Universe, bless everybody, keep us all in the best of health, guide our country's leaders, watch over us and forgive us our sins though they are many. Help us to be like Thee and love You forever, and our neighbor as well, and give us your wisdom and guide us to help all those who need help and sooth the pain and sorrow of those suffering this day. Amen. God knows all and keeps these secrets to Himself. Don't try to figure it out yourself. Just do your part to exemplify Him. And someday, He will reveal His secrets to you. Then you will see the Glory of God. Right now, do your part while on earth.

Anonymous,
October 1, 2014 12:52 AM

There's nothing silly about G!d Knowing All and leaving it at that.

Your words and explanation are beautiful. You've made my day and help me come to this Yom Kippur with your "simple" prayer and a better understanding of who we and our neighbors are and what we need to do to do our part while on earth. Amen.

(14)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2014 7:31 PM

Wow

Wow! I really enjoyed reading this article. Beautifully written.

(13)
Shoshana - Jerusalem,
September 29, 2014 6:40 PM

Forgive H-shem?

" Forgive Him for our frustrations and challenges"? We have to thank Him for them, because they are tailor made for us to help us to grow. "That He appears to hide His face "? He wants us to search for Him. We have to ask Him to forgive us for not recognizing His greatness and His guidance in our lives. For not giving Him the benefit of the doubt . So let's "judge Him b'kav z'chut" and realize that He knows what's best for, a lot more than we do. us.

(12)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2014 2:25 PM

This is excellent! Thank you so much for posting this!

(11)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2014 1:13 PM

We have every right to view God as someone to forgive. My parents were Holocaust survivors who suffered tremendously for the rest of their lives and by association, so did we. A father does not sit on his hands when a bully brutalizes his child, not matter how much the child may have misbehaved. (sinned) Judging by the thousands requests for Tehillim to be said yearly, and the kvitels saturating the Kotel Wall, I imagine lots of people are suffering tremendously.

(10)
Malka,
September 29, 2014 12:01 PM

hits the spot!

Your erev Yom Kippur article really was "spot on" as they say (and who are "they"? don't know...) On a personal level, in the past 48 hours, I had a head-on collision with a forgiveness issue, and I wasn't sure I could even stop sobbing long enough to think about it clearly..but I did, baruch Hashem. And now that I'm trying to climb that mountain of the steps I need to take (great Mashpia to help figure that out) your words give me focus and chizuk. On a community level, I am doing a challah baking event for ladies tomorrow night at our Chabad center, and this is clear and simple enough to add into their recipe and "words of inspiration" booklet, that they get to take home with their freshly baked challahs...food for thought, indeed! I've always enjoyed your writing....really, I never give empty compliments...may Hashem always bless you with hatzlocha in using this gift of being able to share your thoughts and inspire klal Yisroel. Gamar chatima tova!

(9)
Elizabeth,
September 29, 2014 8:48 AM

How I handle forgiveness

Thank you so much for this wonderful article! I have a number of people I need to forgive, and I must get busy with the work of doing so. In my relationship with my spouse, though, we've discovered a way to help each other put the offending deed or word truly behind us - we apologize and then say, "Nothing happened?" The other replies, "That's right, nothing happened". And for some reason this works for us. We don't have to think about it ever again.As regards Hitler, though, isn't that something we have to leave to G-d? I certainly can't forgive that.

(8)
Cor,
September 29, 2014 8:38 AM

Forgive HasHem???

"To forgive G'd", never appeared in my mind!!! This is about the greatest blasphemy I can imagine. I think that when thoughts like this appeared in our mind, even in the farrest distance, we really need to ask HasHem to forgive this evil thought. He gave life and love, Light He brought into the world and nothing evil at all. Repentance we need for all of our thought in those directions.Shalom Cor, thankfull for all articles in this web.

(7)
Anonymous,
September 28, 2014 7:31 PM

Really amazing article!

Thank you for this beautiful article. Forgiveness is really such a powerful tool, if only we knew how to use it properly. thank you!!!

(6)
Shlomo Dovid,
September 28, 2014 7:21 PM

You helped me immensely with this article

Especially the part about forgiving God for the times when I needed Him and He seemed not to be there or not to care. I now realize He was waiting for me to understand some things. Now, my married daughter is going through some hard times and she is angry at God. If only I could get her to see things this way!

(5)
Anonymous,
September 28, 2014 4:16 PM

Yes and No

Yes, I have forgiven my husband for his infidelity, but I will NEVER forgive an ex-friend for sleeping with him!

Anonymous,
September 28, 2014 8:57 PM

Ah, but you must

For unless you forgive, in your heart, even that which you can never understand, you will carry with you that ugly piece of hatred and this you will share with all who try to look elsewhere you. Let go, trust, and know that forgiveness is for you and those around you most. You can choose to forgive, and you must.

(4)
bea green,
September 28, 2014 4:01 PM

Forgive Hitler?

One should leave forgiveness of unspeakable deeds committed by Nazis to the Almighty.I don't forgive them.

(3)
Nancy,
September 28, 2014 2:23 PM

Dear Sara Debbie Gutfreund

Thank you so much for writing this particular article! Have an easy and meaningful fast.