John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

I Feel I've Lost A Part Of Me (Published 7-10-2012)

Q:

My Daddy died a year ago. Ever since, it's been grief day to day. A few weeks after Daddy, one of my Uncles passed an then the year of Daddy's passing another Uncle and it was only two minutes difference..
A lot has happened since Daddy passed. I am so close to my parents that I feel I've lost a part of me when Daddy passed. I worry about my Mom making sure she's okay and if she eating an having someone to talk to, but it's so hard trying to talk to her while I'm going through my grief too. I feel selfish and don't know how to feel or say. I don't like life anymore and don't want to anything really. I feel forced into a lot. Is this normal? People say in time the pain gets lighter, but so far it has gotten worse.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Penny,

Thanks for your note and question.

The sad truth of your note is a comment we hear all the time from grieving people, about the fact that time not only doesn’t heal emotional wounds, but with the passage of time, it often feels worse.

In our books and lectures, we constantly talk about the six myths of grief, one of which is that “time heals all wounds.”

The best example we can give of how time doesn’t fix anything is the image of a flat tire. If you just pull up a chair and sit and stare at a flat tire, you can sit there for a thousand years, and that tire is going to stay flat.

You must take actions to repair the flat tire or you are not going to get back on the road. One action is to get out the jack and the spare tire, and change the tire yourself. The other is to realize the main reason you have a cell phone, and call the Auto Club and have them come change the tire. Either way, action must be taken so you can drive again.

The parallel is that a broken heart is remarkably like a flat tire. The energy for life is limited. And as you say, “I don't like life anymore and don't want to do anything really...I feel forced into a lot.” Those are powerful words, and indicate the level and degree to which your emotional tires are flat.

The answer to your question, “Is this normal?” is, YES, if you were taught like most of us were, that time heals all wounds. So you have to unlearn that false idea, and become aware that actions create healing, time can only go by.

We also want to comment on your powerful statement, “I am so close to my parents that I feel I've lost a part of me when Daddy passed.” That sentiment is one that we hear all the time, and we know that it is a very normal feeling that represents the physical feelings we have when someone very important to us dies.

Now, back to the actions you need to take that will help you deal with all the feelings – and some absence of feelings – you’re having. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you to that, the energy and desire to participate in life will return for you, and will allow you to be more present and available to your Mom, if you choose to do that.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.