I often wondered what it would be like to stand up in a crowded room and admit this to everyone. I think to be able to talk about it here is quite freeing. For a long time, I felt ashamed of not being able to leave my home. I felt as if I was a failure and lacking in some way. That I wasn’t a bona fide human being. That I couldn’t be trusted to carry out one of the most basic of functions: get dressed, open my front door, step out on to the path and walk to the gate, open it and walk out on to the street with the aim of carrying out and completing a task. I was a failure.

My journey has been long and arduous spanning 17 years. Seventeen years seems like a lifetime written down and in many cases it does feel as if a huge part of my life has been impacted by this condition.

We all know that mental health issues are seen as taboo. Something we don’t talk about because it is perceived as shameful and an embarrassment and reflects badly on you. Well this is how I felt 17 years ago when it started. I didn’t even know the condition had a name and I certainly didn’t know it was agoraphobia. I had heard of the word of course – very few of us haven’t, but had I really ever thought about what it meant? To be honest, no I had not because before I got it, or should I say, it got me, I wasn’t that bothered. Sure we hear all sorts of related terminology: panic attacks, anxiety attacks to name two, but somehow until it happens to you, it doesn’t register fully.

Seventeen years ago, without any warning I started to feel odd and strange. I felt funny walking along the road as if I wasn’t fully in charge of my body. My vision was slightly blurred and my legs felt weak and I had a tremor. That’s the only way I could describe it. It made me concerned enough to go to the doctor and explain that I felt something was wrong. I described the symptoms to him but all he did was write a prescription and advise me to take a few days off work. Those few days turned into several weeks and about the fourth week my GP said it was time I went back to work because I was costing the National Health Service (NHS) money. I wasn’t any better, I had no idea what was wrong with me, and there had been no diagnosis from the doctor.

I went back to work but continually had to take time off because my symptoms were getting worse and it was becoming increasingly difficult to leave home because I felt afraid and unsafe. At times I would literally freeze on the road, unable to move my feet forwards.

Eventually after 5 years of various tests and trips back and forth to the hospital I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety and agoraphobia. During that time, the agoraphobia got to the stage where I was a prisoner in my home. Every time I got ready to go out feelings of trepidation would flood my body. My body had a mind of its own – it would foil every plan I made to leave home to go to the shops for food, go to the GP or make plans to meet with friends.

During that time I became lonely, depressed and felt as if I was completely alone. Friends didn’t want to know. They would occasionally telephone, but I saw no one. I would have been so grateful to see a friendly face at my door, enquiring how I was, if they could help in any way or if they could get something from the shops for me as I couldn’t do it myself. But no there was no help and I realised that my mental health issue had not only become a problem for me, but it had alienated me from friends and to some extent family. Had I been afflicted with a broken leg, or measles or something tangible, I’m sure those illnesses would not have been seen as so threatening. Not being able to go out on my own, invisible as an indication of the problem I had, but not tangible enough to warrant empathy and understanding left me alone and floundering.

I have been fortunate to have received therapy from counselling services, which has helped greatly in the process of healing and moving forward with my life. I am now improved as I can get out more. Not as much as I would like. Each day brings new challenges, but “I rise” to quote Maya Angelou.

Healing does not happen overnight as many of you well know. From connecting with others here in the blogging world, it has not escaped my notice how many of us are in therapy for anxiety related issues. In the past I might have been reluctant to share my experience as I would’ve been embarrassed or ashamed, but I see now that I need not be. And this is because of the many wonderful people I have met on WordPress who have bravely, and candidly shared their own remarkable stories here.

Truly, your generous comments have me in tears. I’m not sure I’m worthy of all of them, but I will try to aspire to them! :))
Thank you so much for reading and commenting and may you continue to be blessed in the admirable work you do in mental health with your young people. They are so blessed to have such a compassionate and resilient soul working tirelessly towards healing and restoration.

Dearest Marie.. What a challenge you have been through and how much courage it must have taken to write your most inspiring post about your condition..

I know something of this condition as my sister for a time suffered this but not to the extent you have.. She would freeze when outside.. Have panic attacks ..
Thank you for sharing your story.. I am pleased you sought healing through the medical channels and received the right therapy. These conditions do not manifest over night.. Nor can they be healed quickly..
There is nothing what so ever to be ashamed about.. And I am so pleased you see this..
I suffered a total nervous breakdown in the 90’s.. And became a jabbering wreck for several months.. Depression and Mental Health are now seen in a different light than in years gone by.. Thankfully..
Which was what prompted me to go into Support Working.. and later into Mental Health Care..

I am so very proud of Marie.. for sharing with us..

Sending you Love and Blessings for a Blessed New Year. May you make greater strides forward.. Step by step..
Love Sue xxx

Dearest Sue, your lovely empathic and compassionate response has me in tears. Good tears, though! 🙂
I empathise with you on your breakdown and I hope you received plenty of support during that time. It’s good to see that you have overcome it and are as good as new today. I am proud of you too and thank you for sharing your story here. The more people see that they are not alone in their suffering and that mental health issues are on par with physical health issues and not a poor relation, the better!
Sending you back love and blessings for a Blessed New Year too my friend.
Love, Marie xxx

Excellent post. Your transparency makes this post so powerful and I appreciate it so much. Anxiety runs on the maternal side of my family pretty significantly. I am told my grandmother went a period of time without leaving the house at all. I don’t recall that, but I do know she was always worrying, and so is my mother, and so am I. I’m sorry you felt so alone in such a low point of your life. You’re right, there still exists a stigma. Thank you for being brave enough to post your story regardless. It is through sharing that eventually we can break down those stigmas! Healing doesn’t happen overnight.

Thank you so much Crazy Love Parents, for your very generous and supportive comment. I’m so sorry to hear that this has touched your family but I hope that you are all managing it as best you can.
It did take a lot of courage to share, but I’m really glad that I did as the response has been so heartening and has made me feel that it was the right thing to do.
Lots of love, ‘Grandma’ 🙂
aka Marie

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Lady M.
I know that this couldn’t have been easy but you must realize how many people you have helped and will help by talking about this.
I guess, I can’t get over the GP telling you that you were costing ‘the system’ money.
What? It’s amazing how insensitive people can be.
Anyway, you know we love you out here in these streets! LOL!!!
Keep blessing us with your words, thoughts and your experiences.
-Love and light to you
–Gwin
(Oops….Excuse me girl, I hit the “unfollow button” while trying to hit the “like” button then I had to hit the follow button!)

Thank you so much for your kind words Lady G. You are correct that it was hard to talk about it. It’s taken me a long time to understand what was happening to me and why and that I need feel no shame about it.
Yes my GP’s comment was priceless – what sort of a doctor would say something like that?? Obviously not a very good one!
Thanks for the love and sending you bucket loads back!!!
In love and light, Lady M. 🙂 XxX

How courageous to have worked through something so debilitating and isolating, and then to share your story too. I wish your friends had knocked on your door- but perhaps they didn’t understand what was going on.

Not to detract from empathy I feel in reading your story, but I found this bit hilarious ‘I often wondered what it would be like to stand up in a crowded room and admit this to everyone.’ That is one way to agoraphobia head on!

I’m glad you’re getting out and about in the ‘real world’ and here too x

Dear Mek, I intend to answer fully all comments later today. But I just had to respond straight away to your inspired observation about ‘standing up in a crowded room’ – trust you to ‘see’ the irony! An agoraphobiac standing in a crowded room – too hilarious for words! hahahaha
It’s the end of your working day, huh? I imagine? I think I have the handle on the time difference now … about time, huh? x

I’m glad I didn’t upset you with that observation – although I had a feeling I wouldn’t ’cause I have seen your sense of humour in action. Yes, on train home and STILL reading ‘white teeth’ which of course means the occasional patois. Is it marnin where you are?

I should really be getting ready to go out Mek. Yes, really go out – not an extension of our little joke!! But I’m going to squeeze you in cos you’re special (all my readers are special – I hasten to add!!! hahaha).
Ireeeee!!! You still tarking patois gal? Big up de Jumaykan patois! Zeeeen! hahahahahahaha (If you need a translation of any of these words, you know where I am, Mek).
Av course its marnin where me dey! Wha rang wid you?? hahaha

Mek, I can confirm you have now graduated with Honours in your Jumaykan Language distance learning course. You are ready to go to the Master’s level. I am preparing the curriculum as we speak. hahahahha
You are a tap class pickney! Now gwarn bout you bizness, me av plenty fi do, and you a hold me back, aving to ansa you message dem! hahahahahahaaha
Mek, you are a scream! Luv ya!! xx

Good to see you writing about this, Marie, and doing so with such eloquence, too. May I ask, did you find it in some mild sense cathartic to do so? I’m not quite sure how, or if, it may have been so, save to say that sometimes clarifying our understandings in writing can be helpful. Lovely to see all the support here from your blogging friends, although you’re a strong woman, and have proven already you know how to shoulder your burdens with fortitude and good grace.

Dear Hariod, this is a wonderfully supportive comment from you with such generous sentiments. I am quite overcome by all the empathy and compassion I have been shown and am immensely grateful to all.
I found it tremendously cathartic in many ways. It helped me to look at what had been happening to me with fresh eyes. When I was ‘in it’ so to speak, I could see no further than my front door (pun intended!) Writing about this condition when I have been fortunate to have had two really good therapists and am feeling much stronger, reveals to me the depths to which I had been submerged in the illness and how incredibly strong I am to have come through it. I know I sound as if I am blowing my own trumpet here, but this really is my truth.
I am blown away by your sincere compliments and am reminded of a poem a good friend wrote about my situation, which I may share at some point. It really echoes your sentiments – those words ‘fortitude’ and ‘grace’. Such a coincidence!
Thank you so much Hariod for taking the time to support me in this way.

Hariod, I hope you don’t mind, but I am sending you the first two verses of the poem I mentioned. I was a little bit stunned by the two words you used which Margaret had used in her poem to me over 8 years ago:

Your Journey

Your journey has been difficult
But you’ve arrived today
With courage, grace and fortitude
It’s here you need to stay

Your future is looking brighter
As you put the past behind
the love that’s in your heart right now
Is what you sought to find …
~ M Mee

What can I say that hasn’t already been said? I’m glad to see that you’re able to be so transparent about this part of your life. More importantly, it’s great that you’ve sought help and can enter the world more whole now.

Thank you Kathy. About your question: every comment made, I regard as a gift. When a reader ‘likes’ what I’ve written, it tells me that what I’ve said resonates with them and I like that. When someone takes the time to comment it tells me ‘what’ it is that actually resonates with them. It doesn’t matter if someone else has said it already. Every comment is a gift to me, and I love gifts.
Thanks for your small gift: as they say, ‘All good things come in small packages’. 🙂

I know you have a life Tareau. But it hasn’t stopped you from commenting ‘first’ in the past.:)) Mind you, this wasn’t a poem, so maybe that’s why or maybe you were having too much fun elsewhere … hahahahaha

They are still going (the prayers). Also, I’ve been housebound before (out of fear, post-trauma, etc.). I remember being scared to death just walking out the door to the front porch to get my mail. Just to the front porch and I was terrified. Of what? I don’t know. Those days were so hard, so lonely.

I want to give you a hug for those on-going prayers JD. Believe me, they are still needed! 🙂
So sad to hear that you know how it feels not to be able to leave your home. Yes, that is the problem, you do not know what it is that you are terrified of, you only know that the overwhelming, physical responses to doing something as simple as ‘just going to the front porch’ makes your body ‘freeze’ or you feel so ‘dizzy’ that you are unable to ‘move’. You are literally stopped in your tracks. And those days are beyond words, as you simply cannot explain to others what is happening for you. In my own case, people (friends/family) thought all I had to do was develop confidence or ‘power through’ it. They didn’t know how hard I was trying, because they couldn’t actually see anything physically wrong with me. I had one very ‘helpful’ relative telling some-one that I was ‘upstairs skiving’ when I was unable to go to work because of my condition. Wonderful??!!!
Thank God, those days are behind you.

I have PTSD and agoraphobia and yes it is a painful way to live. You know that God is right there behind you, opening doors (no pun intended) and smoothing the way for you, don’t you dear friend? When you are ‘struggling’, He is holding your hand and keeping you going. Stay blessed! :)x

Thank you for sharing how you feel. Often I feel like I can’t leave my house either unless a friend comes to get me. I tell people I enjoy sitting at home which is true to a certain degree but the truth is going out and leaving the house alone has started to make me anxious. I’m no where near experiencing what you are going through. It must take so much courage and focus. Big hugs my friend x

My dear friend, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It’s not wonderful to know that you have some anxiety around leaving your home, but I’m really touched that you are able to voice this here. I know from your blog that you do get around a lot and now I understand even more how it might not be so easy for you to do. I’m so glad that you have lovely supportive friends who are there for you.
Big hugs back! XxX

You have such a “beautiful struggle” and I empathize with you. I remember suffering a trauma a couple years ago and not being able to leave my home for a period of time. The hardest part was when family and friends…just didn’t understand. This is probably a minute scale to what you are experiencing, but I do want to say thank you for being willing to be so bold and so open about sharing your experience. It helps others (like me!) know that they are not alone.

Thank you Elune Blue (fabulous name btw), I have accomplished what I set out to do: to let others know they are not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me – I really appreciate that: it tells me I was not alone.
Thanks for your compassion. In love and light.

When pushed to the wall, One has to develop strategies to scale over the wall and you just did that. I’m immensely proud of your resilience. Your posts relate a lot to the life I have lived. Sending you some rib cracking hugs 🤗

Dear Marie -being here has been an amazing experience for me. I have to explain my amusement when you spoke of one of your readers being the first to comment. I promise not to be first😀 I will save commenting too much at this stage since I’ve only just met you and I’d like to read more of your story. But I will say that it has been a very enlightening read. Now I understand why the “perfect house” was so significant for you. I also understand why that line in my poem resonated with you in a very literal way. And here was I talking about buses and trains. I am left truly humbled by your story for so many things I take for granted.
May I reintroduce myself since I think we started off with a bang. Here goes:

Hi, I’m Chevvy and I am so pleased to meet you and that you walked in through the door of my studio, where there are no walls and doors, where you can walk freely with me through the places I’ve been without any fear, and where you may find some inspiration and perspectives on how we may all have agoraphobia of different sorts which we have to overcome or live with. I do wonder what your “What if” questions would be because we can’t cut and paste the answers for everyone.

Finally, I’d like to say that in telling your story, you did walk out through your door, into all our lives. Well done for that – YOU DID THAT!! as Lady G would say. Until next time my friend!😘

Forgive me Chevvy if I cannot do your comment justice. I came back today thinking I would give a longer and fuller reply, but I can’t because I am simply speechless. Your beautiful and insightful comments in which you speak so eloquently and pick up on so many things are touching and poignant for me. To address each point would turn this into a much longer reply than I would wish to do here. Thank you for your compassion.
On a lighter note, I love that Tareau was always the first to comment and I have no issue with you going into competition with him on that. LOL
I’m thinking: ‘What if I didn’t have agoraphobia …’ [smile]x

This is comment enough Marie. Methinks I said too much already but I thought I’d summarise my thoughts after reading some of your posts.
You are free to mull over them or let them rest as you wish.
When I ask myself “What if I had Agoraphobia ?” there are so many things that that I love that wouldn’t be able to do . So if you answered your question it might be interesting to consider the list of what you would do, where you would go. Again, I like to believe that if you put your dream out there, the universe hears you somehow.
Maybe when you have time, visit some of my travel posts under my photograph section so that you can travel vicariously with me. Some of my travels were taken during hard times when I couldn’t afford it but call me a fool or a risk taker but I just believed that all would be taken care of.🌻

I adore you! (And not in a creepy way!!) LOL You speak from such a deep and profound place. I hadn’t realised that you had read some of my posts – I thought it was only the agoraphobia posts – thank you!
You can never say enough feel free to talk my ear off! 🙂
Thanks so much for your advice and OMG I so want to share with you something about what you said ‘the universe hears and somehow …’ I am going to leave that for another time because I have YET another example of this.
I will visit your travel posts and can I bring my friend Vi Karius-Lee? She loves freebies!!! LOL
Being a fool and/or risk taker is not a condition monopolised by you – we all are to a degree and long may that reign! hear hear??!

Sometimes, I think and feel to deeply. Hence my Blog was an escape and that is why I also post on the things that bring me joy like photography, travelling, music etc. I want to attend art classes this year.

That’s good to know! Follow your dreams …they’re sure to come true. I did art classes a few years ago when I moved to a new county and I wanted to occupy myself meeting new people. It was fun. I cherish those experiences and remember them fondly. I still have my art pieces to remind me…
I’m back in London now, but those years away were filled with so many new experiences. Some scary …lol

Chevvy, my art is so amateurish that I hesitate to even call it art. It makes me smile to think that you have more faith in me than I have in myself. My friend did comment that some of it was quite good and that I should hang it on the wall, but she is a friend and that’s what friends say – well friends that want to stay friends. LOL!!!!

I feel your pain, as I suffer from agoraphobia too. I didn’t know what it was initially. And like you, I went through countless tests until I just realized it wasn’t physical, and after a scary episode with medicine, I figured I would go on about it on my own. My husband became my safe person, and with him, I could do practically anything, and without him, life is much more difficult again. Now, I am seeing a psychiatrist and he is helping me. Thanks for sharing your story! Let’s break down the silence when it comes to mental illness.

I am so sad to hear that you are suffering like this. I am pleased though to hear that you are getting some help. I wish there was more help out there for those of us suffering in this way. I sincerely hope that there is much improvement in the coming future for you.
I wish you well and thanks for sharing your own story.

Thank you for sharing.. While walking to the store one day, I met a woman who was sitting just outside her apartment door, selling hand made jewelry.. I tried to brighten her day because she seemed gloomy.. our conversation led me me share with her that I have social anxiety, and have trouble being in crowds.. she shared with me that it had been years since she had left her home.. Setting out for a while was part of therapy.. and that in weeks following the therapist would take her shopping ect.. to ease into difficult situations.. I prayed that she would be released from that prison within.. and realized how blessed I was, despite my anxiety and fears.. I was walking to a store to buy groceries.. it lead me to think of all those who suffer from agoraphobia.. how lonely they must feel if they have no family or friends to spend time with.. those who don’t use a computer to socialize.. My heart goes out to all those who suffer from emotional illness.. Sorry my comment was so long.. 🙂
I pray you will continue healing..

Thank you Mary Ann. Your compassion is appreciated and so are your prayers. People who have agoraphobia welcome all the support they can get but often they are shunned because people are afraid or don’t understand what is going on with them. This of course can make the feelings worse for those who through anxiety (often brought on by traumatic events) because not only can they not leave their home, but they can be left feeling helpless and alone.
When I go out now, the simple act of walking around the aisles of a supermarket leave me feeling so happy. When you have been crippled with fear just opening your front door and contemplating walking down the path, simple things like just leaving the house can be awesome.
Bless you for taking the time to read and I love long comments! 🙂