All posts tagged faith

My faith has always been a huge part of my life, and it has always been an important part of my recovery. As i have shared many times in the past, my faith community is such a large piece of my support system, and for them I am thankful. But even greater than the love of an earthly family, is the Love of my Savior. Who rescued me from a life that was full of darkness and dead things.

Last year in Texas, I was facing a new chapter in my life. I was stepping out of my comfort zones, and it was scary and exhilarating and it was hard. In April of last year, I was only newly walking the road of recovery for a few short months, and it was a daily struggle. But in the midst of that struggle I was asked to share my truth, to tell my story…open and honestly. The thought excited and also scared me straight to my core. But I knew, that if I didn’t… I would carry the burden of shame and secrets with me, and it would destroy me as it had so many times before. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was what i needed to do. I needed to be brave with my story, to release my pain, and to help others do the same.

and for that opportunity i am so thankful. because it has changed my life.

and a part of me knew that. even last year. even with all the thoughts going through my head. I knew it was all part of a bigger plan.

I was so far away from God in those days, because I felt my struggle discount my worth for His Love. I thought I had strayed too far away to be helped, to be changed. But that morning, I was struck with the Truth that dissolved all those doubts. I knew I would walk out of this experience changed.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The morning of the Overnight Walk, I woke up with that verse in my heart. Playing over and over in my head. Reminding me that the path I have taken in my life, is not in vain, there is purpose in the pain. There is a calling over my life that I cannot deny.

I made my way to Thanksgiving square, and there was a weight on my heart. Not a burden. But a heavy feeling of thanksgiving that was overwhelming me. I entered the chapel and there was no one there, but as I sat and prayed and worshiped..the power of grace and love was so heavy in that room. Alone in that room, I gave my life back over to God. I trusted him for the first time in a very long time. I believed in His unyielding power to redeem my story. To redeem my life, from the pit of darkness that I had been living in. I made a promise to walk each day in recovery, to treat this body with the care and respect that it deserves. To treat this life, as the gift that it really is.

As the light shone through the intricate glass work of the chapel windows, I could feel the light being awakened in my own life. and a peace surrounded me, like none I had ever felt before. I knelt in thanksgiving. Thanking God once again for the second chance at life. Thanking Him for the opportunity to share my story to help others and to be a light in their darkness. I was changed in that room, and in that moment I found a bravery that could only come from HIM.

My struggle with depression and self harm began at 13 years old, and since then I have worn my story on my body. And for so many years, I wore it with shame.

At 16 years old, my addiction to self harm had grown out of control and it was my first experience with suicidal thoughts. I was forced into treatment. During that time when I needed support the most, all I felt was the shame of my family. The questions of “how could I do this to THEM?”, “what would other people think about us?” were constantly flooding my mind. I was ashamed because I felt I was weak.

At 19 years old I ran an old friend and she noticed the scars on my wrists and she said “you’re still doing that? i thought you would grow out of it.” Instantly I felt ashamed that I was still struggling, as if mental illness could be “just a phase”, as if depression could be something I could just shake off and I wasn’t strong enough to do so for so long.

At 22 I found myself once again standing on the edge of choosing death over life. Depression gripped me tightly. The razor brought me relief from constant mental turmoil, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted my life to end.

Thankfully it didn’t.

The road to recovery hasn’t always been an easy one. It has been filled with many highs and lows. Many setbacks, but i keep moving forward. I am more than depression. I am more than addiction. I am more than self injury.

My life is a bright beautiful reminder that the dark times do not last forever. Eventually, the sun begins to shine through. Through the cracks and crevices of that brokenness and brings warmth to those deep cold places.

I had to learn to ignore the lies of stigma and shame in order to fully understand that depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, is not a sign of weakness, it is not a character flaw. It is a sickness like any other that needs treatment. It doesn’t just “go away”. Treatment looks different for each and every individual and that is o.k., but what is not o.k. is letting an illness go untreated because others don’t think you should feel what you feel.

Tackling depression and self injury has shown me that I am far stronger than I ever could imagine. It has taught me, like so many things in life, you can’t do it alone and you shouldn’t have to. There is a full community of people like me out there, who are battling their illnesses bravely and living the best versions of their lives that is possible. I never thought I would be grateful for my struggles, but I am. I am so thankful that I can appreciate the fullness of what my life is right at this moment because I have seen the depths of darkness and despair. And even on the hard days it is easier to keep moving forward because I have seen how far I have come.

The struggles of my former life, have birthed a new dream in me. A dream to create a non profit where I can help others to find their healing through counseling, community, faith and hope.

Growing up I always felt like I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough. I always struggled to fit in always feeling as if I was so different from the others. Always feeling I wasn’t good enough because no one was attracted to me. I placed so much value on fitting in and being one of the girls that I was willing to do anything to achieve that status. As I entered junior high this meant experimenting with drugs and alcohol, getting involved with guys I shouldn’t get involved with.

At the end of the day, I wasn’t any more popular. I started drinking more and the guys I was interested in weren’t exactly interested in my personality. Instead of fitting in with the girls I was isolating myself from them because they began to talk more negatively about me, make fun of me and call me names. I was getting a bad reputation just because I wanted to fit in. I began getting depressed at 13 years old, and I didn’t know why I couldn’t just feel like the other kids, happy and enjoying life with their friends. I began cutting at that age, it was the only thing that helped me to feel better but I also isolated myself more, the more people knew about me the farther they pushed me away. Many saw me as merely an attention seeker.

I decided the best thing for me would be to go to an all girl high school, where I could focus on myself, my studies getting into a good college and forget all about the boys and everything else that reminded me of junior high. So I did, I tried to run away from everything and went to school hours away. And when I started high school, I was happy. I found friends that understood me, and I fit in. It seemed everything was falling into place; I even had a real boyfriend for the first time. But, as far as I ran away it wasn’t far enough because my problems still followed. Slowly my new boyfriend and all his friends were urging me to do all the same things I had run away from, since I didn’t want to lose out I gave in. I started drinking, smoking and doing all sorts of things. And then it started to fall apart. I noticed my “boyfriend” taking far more interest in the skinnier, prettier girls and eventually he phased me out of the picture. I was devastated yet again. All the feelings I had pushed down were rushing back. I wasn’t pretty enough I wasn’t good enough and no one wanted me. I sank into a depression and began cutting again after not doing so for almost a year and a half. I starved myself because I wanted to feel beautiful like all those girls. And for a little while it worked. I felt good about myself. I was ok with being single. And I poured myself back into school work, choir, dance and everything else I could find. But it only lasts so long…

Years later I found my self in the same dark depression, running to the same coping mechanisms. I felt worthless, I felt ugly, and I felt disappointed in myself. I don’t know how much longer I would have made it on my own. But I was lucky enough that someone out there loved me enough to pray for me and introduce Jesus to me. I had lost all faith many years ago as a result of many tragic events. But somehow, my heart was opened again and I wanted to hold on to any sliver of help.

“-Growth is hard, regression is easy”- Ken Wilber

Has it been easy to always stay on the right track? No…but what is ahead of me is far better than what I leave behind. What the world has to offer me is fleeting. What God has offered me…is eternity.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed daily by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

There will always be pressures to fit in, to do what everyone is doing, to measure up by the world’s standards. But just because the pressure is there, doesn’t mean I have to give in. I realize that by opening even the smallest door in my life, I put everything I have worked for at risk. Being happy healthy and in love with God, is all I want and need in my life…and I am not willing to lose any of that.

It’s a long and difficult process, but I am slowly starting to find myself…the real me. I can look in the mirror and see someone I actually think is beautiful. I can see someone I am actually proud of and not ashamed of. I feel like I have found my passions in life, and I actually have the courage to follow them, I have the strength to believe in my dreams, and above all…I believe in myself…which is something I struggled to do for a very long time. And none of it would have ever been possible if I had never encountered the unconditional love of God.

Today as Christians around the world reflect on Good Friday and the sacrifice of our Savior on the Cross of Calvary, I am prompted with a stirring in my heart.

As the clouds dimmed, and Jesus entered into his moment of deepest darkness, in that moment all hope seemed lost. In His moments of deepest pain, He was thinking of me. The power of that cross created in that moment when He took on MY sins, there was power in that moment of darkness. That power of a Savior’s love is what saved me in my moment of darkness.

When mountains fall
And the tempest roars
You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy.

My life has been riddled with pain, and heartbreak, disappointments and so much more. I carried the labels of brokenness. But there is something more important than focusing of the broken parts of my story. I turn my eyes to the redemptive power of His story.

I’ll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in your story
And I’ll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
in the light of glorious grace

The broken pieces of my life are made whole in His Mighty hands. With His love, the shattered pieces of my life are put together. And those experiences that should have destroyed me are instead the foundation where God can work in my life to touch others lives. There is nothing impossible for my God. So even though I stumble, even though I fall…His hand is there to guide me. To bring me back to the path on which he has set my feet on.

Let the ruins
come to life
In the beauty of your Name
Rising up for the ashes
God forever You reign.

So today I am thankful. Thankful for redemptive power in my life. I am Thankful for a Savior who has never given up on me, who carried my sins on Calvary. I am thankful for unconditional love in a world, where love is sometimes forgotten. These broken parts of my life are Glorious Ruins in His hands.

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I’ll sing.

As christians we know that life isn’t easy, we know that in our day to day lives we will face troubles. And we know that sometimes storms can roll into our lives that have the ability to knock us off our feet. We don’t know when they will come or how they will come but we know THEY will come. But would would happen, if we could see these storms before they landed? How would we react? Would we run away leaving behind family friends and everything that matters to us, or would we stay and prepare ourselves, fortify our homes and ride the storm out?

Personally, each time a storm entered my life I ran away, as far as I could. I left behind a family in Christ that was praying for me,crying for me and hoping I would trust in God. I ran away from God, and ran back to old friends, old attitudes and old comforts. I didn’t trust God enough to believe that He could bring me out of whatever situation I was in. I believed that He would alllow these situations to destroy me rather than make me stronger. I allowed heartache and heartbreak to cause me to forget the LOVE,MERCY,and GRACE God had shown me so many times before. I looked for other things to fill the void that man had left in my heart instead of allowing God to fill that void once and for all.

Two years ago a storm entered my life, and it almost destroyed me. Instead of standing my ground and allowing God to work in my life, I thought I could do better on my own. And I ran away, as I always had. I ran back to old thoughts, old habits, &amp; old comforts. I let depression take hold of my life and I allowed other people to control the condition of my heart. I allowed situations to make me question my worth and I allowed others to make me feel as if everything that was going on around me was my fault. I internalized everything and almost let it destroy me. I opened doors in my life that had already been closed.

I began cutting again after years of freedom.

I struggled for over a year and a half, until I finally allowed myself to be broken in His presence and finally left the situation at the altar. He had been calling me for so long to trust in Him and just leave it in His hands. I finally trusted that this situation was happening for a reason: not to destroy me, but to make me stronger, and to teach me to seek him in the midst of the trials. He sent people who did not know about me or my situation to encourage me and to remind me to seek Him no matter what, and I have. My heart, my thoughts and my emotions all belong to God. I am made whole in Him, not by anyone else. My worth depends on who God says I am &amp; how he sees me. I am precious and loved by Him and He is everything to me.

And even though things are happening to me and around me, I trust God in the midst of it all. For 5 months I have been standing on My Rock, I have officially put my past behind me, I have closed all doors that were opened in my pain and I trust God above everything and anything in my life. And I know that no matter what happens, I will not be destroyed because I belong to Him.

Phil 4:7 And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.

This is one of my favorite verses from the Bible. As someone who has struggled with self injury I really found hope in these words. However, as I continue to walk this journey of recovery, I find hope and truth in this verse for so many areas of my life.

Wounds can be superficial or deeply rooted. Wounds can be physical, emotional, or mental. Sometimes we are hurt by words and actions of others that may or may not be intentional. As humans we experience alot in our lives, and many of those experiences are filled with heartache and pain. But there is Hope, we don’t have to hold on to the hurt forever. We have a healer who can free us from the burden of heartbreak and pain.

No matter what you are going through… no matter what has broken your heart and wounded you…God wants to heal those wounds.

Over the last year God has been working in my life in so many ways. Healing wounds that were both physical and emotional. Some things have left me with scars…but I believe in the beauty of scars. Physically the Lord healed all my wounds of self injury so I could walk forward in recovery. But there were many other areas that I had not yet experienced His healing.

As time went on I began to remember words that had been spoken to me and about me, words that at one time or another had almost destroyed me, but I locked them away..never to be spoken. But in holding those words silently in my heart I was allowing sorrow, bitterness, anger, and depression to take hold in my life. God allowed me to let go of those words and forgive those who had hurt me and broken me. There were many areas of my past that I hadn’t yet confronted. But the longer I pretended they didn’t exist the longer I gave them power over me. It hasn’t been an easy or a painless process but I know it is necessary.

Every wound I have ever endured can be healed in His hands, and the scars that are left behind are just reminders of where He has taken me out from and where I am going.So no matter what your life looks like right now, no matter what kind of wounds you have in your life…I encourage you to give it all to God. He can heal your heart, bind your wounds, and make you whole.

I began writing this on New Years Eve, as I prepared to get ready to bring in the New Year with my church. As I sat at the computer a word kept coming to mind and flashing my eyes.

JERICHO

“Now Jericho was shut up from within and from without because of the people of Israel; none went out, and none came in. And The Lord said to Joshua, “See, I have given into your hand Jericho, with its king and mighty men of valor. You shall march around the city, all the men of war going around the city once. Thus shall you do for six days. And seven priests [Levites] shall bear seven trumpets of rams’ horns [Shofar] before The Ark; and on the seventh day you shall march around the city seven times, the priests blowing the trumpets. And when they make a long blast with the ram’s horn, as soon as you hear the sound of the trumpet, then all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city will fall down flat, and the people shall go up every man straight before him.” (Joshua 6:1-5 RSV)

I felt in my spirit that this is the year the all the walls around me have to come tumbling down.

I have built walls around myself, keeping emotions in and shutting other people out. I have gone far too long hiding behind the wall of a smile when all I want to do is break down and cry. I have put a wall with my words, knowing just what to say and not to say to make people think that I am doing everything right and my life is truly in God’s hands. I have put up so many walls, because I didn’t want to burden others, I didn’t want others to judge me, and I didn’t want to admit where I had messed up. And behind those walls, I fell apart and nearly lost everything including my life. And 8 months ago I made a decision in my life to start breaking down those walls. So this year, 2012. I choose:TRANSPARENCY . I will not be afraid to let others in when my heart is hurting, I will not be ashamed to bring my mistakes to foot of the cross and have someone to be accountable to. I will be transparent in my friendships &amp; all my relationships. And most of all I will be transparent in my walk with God. Even though I know he already knows all about me before I say it, I don’t ever want to hide who I am from Him. Even in my brokenness I want to be able to come bodly to his feet. I have lived too long in the darkness, I want my life to be nothing but light. And it will never be perfect, and it may not always be pretty… but I am done hiding.

I have built up invisible walls, walls of excuses &amp; circumstances, that have held me back from moving forward in my life. Whether it is not having enough money to go back to school, or being to “comfortable” where I am to look for a new job, or even just not “feeling ready” enough to step out into ministry &amp; counseling. And these walls were never meant to be there. I allowed them to be there. And without even seeing what blessings and amazing things could be on the other side, i decided to sit back and not even try. So this year I choose: Trust and Perservance. I trust that if God brought me to it…He will make a way for me. And I will persevere through whatever comes my way.

Jericho would have hindered their control of all of the Promised Land that God had deeded to the descendants of Abraham, Isaac &amp; Jacob

We are called to be sons and daughters, a royal priesthood. There are so many things that God has promised us, as a whole and for each one of us personally. How much do we really want all that God has for us. Are we going to be content with just grasping it for a second, having a glimpse of everything that could be.? Are we going to be satisfied with visions of the promises? OR are we never going to be satisfied until we have it ALL… Every word, every calling, every ministry, every miracle, every blessing that has been promised to us? Are we going to allow the walls in our lives to hold us back from what we are meant to be, what we are meant to do, and where we are meant to go?

We have to identify what the JERICHO in our life is. We have to decide that we want &amp; need to conquer these things before we can ever think of moving into the Promised Land. Sometimes they are obvious things, obvious sins that are holding us back. Sometimes its the not so subtle things that are keeping us just at arms length away from what God wants for us. The only way we ever really know and identify those things in our lives, is by seeking God in spirit and in truth. Through prayer &amp; through fasting. These are just the first steps…but are you willing to take them?

The year has just begun, let us work toward something different in our lives, in our homes, and in our churches. I believe that this year is going to be an amazing year in God, but we have to do our part too. I know I am ready to see the other side and walk into MY promised land. Are You?