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Wednesday, March 21

Birthday Blues

So Friday is my thirty fourth birthday. I had hoped that by writing it in word form as opposed to a number it might not have seemed like such a big number, but there is no hiding from numbers. They are what they are. And thirty four is only one away from thirty five which is only five away from the big 4 - 0.

Which is kinda like the half way mark in life and one that I am not really ready for. There is still so much to do before I reach the half way mark. Lucky I have six years to think about it. Or rather six years to make it happen.

Only it is not the actual number of the birthday that has caused the blues.

Now before I go any further I feel I must put in a bit of a warning. What you are about to read may very well sound like something out of the mouth of a spoilt and ungrateful brat of a child. It is quite possibly going to sound whiny and whingy.

In our family birthdays a big. They are a true celebration of the birth of the person in question. They get to pretty much be treated like royalty. Whatever they want to do, eat, go what ever. The choice is theirs. The day is theirs. Get the picture?

Only thing is it feels like years since I have truly had that happen. The joys of being a mother I guess. There are still children that need tending, mouths that need feeding and all the other joys that come with having children. Sadly they don't stop just because it is your birthday.

It's not that the past few years have been terrible they just haven't been great either. And when I think back to it the great birthday's are outweighed by the not so great ones. There have been too many parties that people didn't come to. Too many times when people were too busy to help me celebrate my special day.

When someone asks me what I want for my birthday what I really want to say is... ...I want to be waited on hand and foot. I want to be pampered and fussed over. My every need catered to before I even know it's a need. I want gorgeous food served to me and delicious drinks to sip on.

All without me actually having to ask for anything, because let's face it asking for something is not really a strong point of mine. Even on my birthday.

I was certain that this year it would be easy to make it all about me. Certain that this year people would be able to read my mind and just know that I wanted to be fussed over and treated like a princess. To help things along I even sent out a few feelers to check we were all on the same page.

Of course that hope started to fade when people I needed to help make the day the way I wanted informed me they were not able to do as I needed. Trying to hold on to my last shards of optimism I looked for alternatives, only to come up empty handed and not really all that excited about having a birthday. Again.

In so many ways this all feels so de ja vuish. I have been here before. Waiting, hoping. Trying to trust that the birthday fairy will wave her wand in my direction. Some times she does and sometimes she doesn't. Only time will tell.