Ambition, Restlessness, Progress, Purpose

Growing up, my sister and I had divergent approaches to collecting souvenirs. We had to strategize for a reason; we couldn’t get everything we wanted, after all, give our family’s modest background. She always preferred knick-knacks. It was, I think, a combination of 1) her wanting to commemorate multiple aspects of the trip in question and 2) her inability to choose between all the various things she liked. Me, I waited. I’d hold back until I saw the one item that captured my imagination – and that was that. I recall this contrast in styles most vividly after a trip to Sea World. My sister brought home a little crystal, a bookmark, a ring, maybe more. Meanwhile, I had just this Shamu balancing metal ball contraption. To be honest, I think we were both a bit envious of the other’s approach. But that’s how we were built.

I have never thought of myself as an ambitious person. Perhaps this is because I primarily associate ambition with personality, and I’m as far from a type-A as humanly possible. I don’t network, I don’t ‘angle.’ I don’t take proper advantage of the opportunities I do have because it feels awkward or unnatural or, let’s face it, difficult. I’ve never been able to fake it in any circumstance, and perhaps I’ve come to use that as an excuse to not try much anymore. Yet I’ve come to recognize that this unwillingness to play the game does not necessarily make me unambitious. For whatever practical reasons I can cite in pursuing an advanced degree and moving to different countries for jobs, the fact remains that I have gotten an advanced degree and moved to different countries for jobs. Even I can admit that resembles something like ambition if only on the surface.

Perhaps it’s a matter of restlessness. A friend, once confronted with the ever-present and ever-annoying question of purpose in life, responded simply with “I don’t want to be bored.” I quite like that. I have days of boredom of course, weeks even, though hopefully not months. I like to think that I strive to not be bored in life – by traveling, by exploring, hiking, reading, watching movies, and so forth. Even if I am well aware that my job is not, and will likely never be, my passion, I believe what I do matters in some small way, and at a minimum, pushes and challenges me to a requisite amount. Certainly there is some necessary delusion involved – there are days of surfing the internet and stressing over email invitations, for starters – but I hope delusion is ultimately outweighed by purpose and meaning both in the short and the long-term.

I wonder if I am conditioned to movement because of the way I grew up (the literal moving from one home to another), the amount of time I have spent in academic environments (with regular measures of progress), the conscious and paradoxical need to fight my tendency to be comfortable and stagnant. I am fortunate enough to be in a relatively supportive job environment, and thus I see the road ahead as one of progress. I was hired to assist on a project. I am currently seeking to develop my own. Eventually, I will want to manage a larger one. All this is far easier said than done, of course, and there will be unexpected obstacles along the way, just as there have been already. But this seems to me like the only path forward. Standing still is in effect moving backwards.

The regimented approach with which I consider my career extends beyond it as well. Gradation comes natural to me, reinforcing regularity, expectation, sense. With my writing, for instance, I have been careful to ensure that the hobby has never been completely stopped. It is how I hone my craft, indulge my creative ambition. Yet lacking the structure present in promotions and graduations, I wonder whether the short-term payoff I derive from having regular tangible outputs – as on these pages – deters a level of progress I would like applied elsewhere, towards larger milestones, projects, and so forth, such as they exist. In fact, I have had such projects what feels like nonstop since I entered graduate school: qualifying papers, the dissertation, the manuscript. There has always been something bigger to work on, something nestled but looming and unavoidable.

Well there was, at least.

Yet now with the final of those projects all but completed, with nothing that necessarily infringes on the divide between work and life, I still find myself a little ambitious, a little restless, desiring progress and purpose in a new creative outlet. I find myself contemplating another large endeavor, whether it be a screenplay (a second one), a novel, a memoir… or whenever guilt kicks in, something more professionally relevant – a journal article or something of the sort. And already I know the question I am asking is not whether I will start but rather concerns the precise nature of the output, form and substance, of the item that I will undertake. Maybe this kind of thing is simply how I have become accustomed to dealing with the monotony of life, or how I ascribe meaning to my life. I guess in a way, I still need the one big thing to capture my imagination, my attention, my time and effort. I guess that is how I am built.

I really enjoyed reading this article because I agree with most of what you wrote. I associated ambition with personality as well and I am not a “networker” or someone who takes advantage of the things that are given to me. However, I do think I have ambition in other ways – and I hope to move forward.

You described me perfectly! I didn’t realize, but I am definitely not type A personality, even though I try to be. I do strive not to be bored! That’s my favorite line, and actually hope to teach this to my daughter one day. I also, find it hard to network because I don’t like the game. This was a very good read! I see others ask to use this quote, and wonder if I could too.

Thank-you for this, I can totally relate to everything you have said. I would say I am ambitious because I find that if I am not constantly developing myself and discovering new adventures and hobbies, I “GET BORED”.

I love this post! Thank you. You sum up beautifully how I feel. Like you, I don’t recognise ambition in myself. I am also not competitive at all which is my job is a big hindrance. I like to believe that this lack of ambition does leave a restless hole in my life which hopefully I fill by doing ambitious things in my own quiet way….I enjoy writing my blog and find it very fulfilling, I enjoy cooking and reading and I feel that I am quite ambitious in these tasks. I want to read lots, voraciously.
I want to cook well, I want my blog to be successful. So in that small and quiet way, I do feel I have a sense of purpose.
Anyway, thanks for your article. It really spoke to me.

totally identifying with this: “I still find myself a little ambitious, a little restless, desiring progress and purpose in a new creative outlet.” the issue is to find the will to focus. I have two screenplays, a third book and blogs all in my head that I’m trying to get out. thanks for helping us name it!

I have my own moments of sheer restlessness and thoughts leading to the fact that somehow, i am not doing enough. i strive to be better in every aspect of my life but things get difficult sometimes. Overthinking shadows quick decisions and make them hard to see. Nevertheless, being hopeful is what keeps us going.

A lack of ambition can stagnate someone’s life as it has done with mine. 21 no degree and working in a supermarket things are looking bleak! However what you said is true ‘i strive not to be bored’ which I understand completely as it is our own happiness that gives us a purpose in life.

This was a great article that was thoroughly descriptive and relatable. Your writing style clearly depicted your point. This is something I struggling with currently and so i’m happy to have come across it!