A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says: "Do you know we have a drink named after you?"Grasshopper says: "You have a drink named 'Schlomo'?"

A baby seal walks into a club.

How many old people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Ten. One to screw it in, one to hold the chair they're standing on while they screw it, and eight to stand around reminiscing about how nice the old bulb used to be.

So one day a hunter goes into the woods, looking for bear. Lo and behold, he manages to bag one. When he gets up close to the bear feeling triumphant, he feels a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing there. "That bear you just shot was my fuck buddy," the bear says, "and now that you've shot him, you have a choice...I can rip your throat out, or I can fuck you up the ass right here." The hunter ponders his options and proceeds with the bear-ass buggery.

A year passes. The hunter has trained and passed the year recovering from his trauma and becoming a badass. He ventures into the woods once more. Spotting the trail of his prey, he carefully and quietly stalks his trail, revenge on his mind. When he feels a tap on the shoulder. The grizzly is standing there. "Well, buddy, back for revenge are you? Well I'll tell you what, same deal as before...I open up your throat right now, or you turn around and bite the tree." Gritting his teeth, the hunter does so.

More years pass until the hunter has trained and equipped himself to Batman-like levels. Returning to the woods once more, he stalks his tormentor in the shadows for days, doubling back and laying many traps. As he places the last one, a tap on his shoulder. Mr. Bear once more. The grizzly looks down at the hunter and shakes his head.

So Sister Mary Wonderful is a nun in a small village and each day, she takes a stroll through the town, waving at everyone, smiling at the children and the shopkeepers and all who dwell under the sun. Each day, people who see her wave and smile and shout "Hello, Sister! God Bless you!" And she smiles as she strolls and she waves and blesses them back.

One day, as she's on her walk, she passes by an alley and a drunk jumps out as she passes and punches her RIGHT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD