The Non-Mom: Teenagers are assholes. It’s not your fault.

It is a scientific fact that when children turn into teenagers, a parasite infects their bodies causing these once playful and delightful children, to turn into retched awful monsters. One day, you have this sweet child who loves their parents, and the next you have a child who ‘hates’ you because you’re the person who can’t do anything right. Literally can’t even do anything right.What’s that all about?

There’s a period of several years where everything is ‘the worst’ and that ‘you ruin everything.’ And sadly you will have to live through it, but happily you will survive it, as this is just a phase. A horrible phase in which hormones control your children and common sense is no longer common.

What these monsters disguised as your former children don’t realize, is that in a few years, they will be completely embarrassed when they look back at the asshole way they behaved when they were in their teens. I know I was. I remember on my 25th birthday I hugged my mom and said two things; 1) how does it feel that your baby is 25? (maybe I hadn’t yet grown out of my asshole phase), and 2) I’m sorry that I was a teenager.

In the movie Superstar, Molly Shannon expertly showcases the insane level of insanity that teenagers are capable of expressing in the scene where she goes into her room to sulk and repeated slams her door while yelling at her Grandma “You’re horrible. You’re horrible. Horrible.”

Truth be told, her grandma wasn’t horrible, she was just trying to protect her. And hopefully one day soon, the parasite otherwise known as ‘teenager’ that has infested your child will die off and you’ll get a somewhat-normal-somewhat-adult version of your child when they approach the age of 22 (remember, kids are kids longer these days so 22 is the new 18). That said, don’t forget to remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that they will only be teenagers for a few short years. You can get through it.