Saturday, June 29, 2013

This. Kills. All the way down to the very last line. The lyricism that was put into this song would make even Black Thought's head spin.

I want to marry Garfunkel and Oates. Like, both of them. At the same time. Is that weird? It's certainly not weirder than living your life in accordance with the writings of someone who lived 2,000 years ago.

Friday, June 28, 2013

The more I see of this car, the more I feel things get awkward in my pants. This car makes you fall in love a little more each time you set eyes on it, and looks as though it will be a big milestone in the technological race to create "green" supercars.

We're finally getting closer to the point where cars can be put on autopilot, and I can catch a quick nap on my way to work. Or get home from the bar without paying for a cab. And no more tipping a valet! I think I'm going to like the future.

Welcome to Flamingo Air: a Cincinnati-based airline that amazingly lets you join the mile-high club (yes, people do have sex in Cincinnati) and claims to be the only such, ahem, service-provider in the US.

Calling them "Flights of Fancy", the basic gist is simple -- the "very discrete" pilot takes two of you up to cruising altitude, and charges a flat rate of $425 per hour (no, they don't discount in case you don't need the other 57 minutes).

If you slip the pilot an extra $20, would he steer into turbulence? And do they use the same plane for every flight? I mean, wouldn't they need at least a few hours between each flight to thoroughly scrub and disinfect?

Just when we thought sports was dead for those summer weeks after the NBA Finals and before the NFL pre-season, the sports world stumbles upon perhaps the sexiest side piece ever to grace our television sets. The kicker? She's a college girl. Now we can waste at least two weeks googling her and wondering if those are real.

Whilst the UCLA Baseball team was busy brining the 109th NCAA Championship (the most by far in case you didn’t know) back to Westwood, outfielder Eric Filia’s girlfriend Lauralee McIntyre was busy geting her Katherin Webb cracking.
McIntyre became the talk of the College World Series thanks in large part to her Veronica Vaugh-esque nice rack, appearing to have 2 midgets wrasslin’ in her extra smedium shirts throughout the College World Series

Thursday, June 20, 2013

If someone tries to tell you that there has ever been an artist who had as much fun in videos as Redman does, you have every right to smack that person to the ground and denounce him/her as a lying cuss.

I hate a lot of things in this world. Fox News. The University of Alabama. Facebook moms. Well inside my top-10, though? Women who write dating advice columns.

There was a time some years ago when every few hours I seemed to come across an aspiring female columnist’s ham-fisted attempt at grasping the social interactions between the sexes. I had to train myself to stay away from giving these spewers of mind-numbingly stupid “journalism” the satisfaction of my page hits, for the betterment of my sanity.

The “advice” they give to women is the blind leading the blind—and, in fact, quite possibly the purest example of the cliché that exists in the physical form. These girls (and I don’t use that term pejoratively; quite often these are young women only a few months removed from college) know absolutely nothing about how men think or feel, but still feel unfounded confidence in their ability to coach their peers on the subject.

Sometimes, though, they’ll turn their attention to male readers. And sometimes, this is actually a good thing. A woman who knows nothing about men preaching to other women is just promoting ignorance; but, odds are, she knows something about women, and so offering men a glimpse into her own mind is actually helpful. But the worst manifestation of this shell game is the advice columnist who tries to explain men’s thoughts and feelings to men.

Case in point: “The 10 mixed messages women will hate you for,” by some woman (I’m not even going to give her the SEO advantages of printing her name on our page. But I will direct the rest of this post towards her, for the benefit of others headed down her path...)

*clears throat*

Are you clinically insane? Or are you just so naively narcissistic that you can’t see the absurdity of your plan? You’ve spent at least half of your 20something years on this planet misreading men’s signals, and now you’re going to wag your finger at us from the mountaintop? [ok, it’s Thrillist…it’s more like a hilltop in the suburbs.] Let’s break down this drivel piece-by-piece (pink shading added for my own enjoyment):

Generally, well-adjusted women are cool with keeping things breezy. What we're not on board with is being jerked around (also, socks with sandals.) Here're the 10 things that will mislead and lure her into a relationship neither of you want.

Would it come off as snarky if I were to point out that people who refer to themselves as “well-adjusted” typically aren’t? It would? Okay then…

Concern. Did you help her when she got locked out of her apartment? Text her to see if she got home OK? You're nicing your way into being a jerk.

Yup, fellas, she shot herself in the foot before she even drew her gun from her holster. Showing concern is being a “jerk”? I can’t even… Okay, being a decent HUMAN BEING is out the window. What else you got?

2-or-10. Rip two months off your Family Guy calendar or surpass 10 things-that-might-resemble-dates -- whichever comes first -- and you've lost the right to casually end things.

If you’re dealing with a guy who doesn’t already realize this, then he probably picked you up at the bar with the help of Buzzfeed. And he’s probably an even bigger fan of Jersey Shore than you are. Newsflash, Ms. Columnista: All non-‘roid-raging guys know this. Hell, we time each other’s affairs. It’s like a shot clock; it doesn’t have to be flashing red for everyone on the court to know it’s ticking.

Digital imprint. If she was listed as anything other than "(Bar where you met) Amy" in your phone, or if her picture came up when she called you, you're probably leading her to think you really care.

I really might quit already. Because now I feel like you’re not 20something, you’re 70something. And I don’t have the heart to rant against someone’s grandmother.

But I’ll press on. First, 90% of men on the planet don’t actually use the “(Bar where you met) name” technique, because (A.) we don’t keep a “Rolodex o’slores” and (B.) we’re not Nicholas Sparks characters. Second, have your grandkid show you how a smartphone works. If we’re connected through Facebook, Twitter, Black People Meet, whatever, the phone is going to add a profile picture to the number itself. #science

Just because. If you texted or called to see how her day went. Don't do it.

If we’re trying to stay cas’, we’re only sending texts when we want sex. If you get that text at 2 a.m., we want sex. If you get it at 2 p.m., we want sex. If you got it and interpreted it as, “He really wants to know how my day went,”…we wanted sex.

Associations. Telling her that you saw (fill in the blank thing) and it made you think of her is sweet. Now she has something to associate with her future hatred of you, awwww.

Again, no man uses this unwittingly. Your article was supposedly aimed at informing guys of their mistakes, but this is never a mistake. This is now clearly a case of a jilted lover venting her frustrations over her personal life. And you appear to be dealing with professional dickheads in your personal life.

But I suppose I should have figured that out from your very first bullet point. Fair enough…

Biographical details. Meeting her at a place where her friends happen to be is one thing. Knowing that Megan's the one in Ad Sales and what year her brother is at Fordham's another.

I get the feeling we’re going to be hovering around the same point for a while here. Professional hitmen; not naïve dolts. Also, if we’ve learned details about your friend, it’s because we want to have sex with her, too. Either a threesome, or just on the low, after you’ve filled her ear with enough bragging about our sex.

Future plans. Worse than hanging out with her mid-week or in daylight hours is making plans for anything more than 48hrs away. If you talked about what you guys'd do "this weekend", that's on you, brotha.

Artifacts. Property transfer -- be it clothing left at each others' places or gifts exchanged -- insinuates commitment.

Affection. Spooning when you're done could be construed as casual. Forehead kisses and hand-holding can not.

Familiarity. If your buddies, roommates, or doorman could recognize her without you, your casual relationship is more relationship than casual.

Yeah, you’ve lost your focus in entirety. None of these are things a guy who doesn’t want to be with you does by accident. Either he’s doing it because he likes you, or he’s doing it because he’s systematically playing you. If it’s the latter, none of these “tips” matter to him. He knows he’s doing them. He’s doing them to three other girls simultaneously, and your friend Megan is one of them. And if he truly liked you, well these musings of yours still don't apply to him. And the fact that the relationship wasn’t casual anymore isn't what made him stop liking you.

Maybe you should spend some time thinking about that before you go bestowing "wisdom" on others?

Seriously. We could not make this stuff up even if we wanted to. A wild bull got loose in Malaga, Spain, caused all kinds of panic, and created quite the chaotic scene. The 440-pound bull escaped from a truck onto a busy street. That's when the street became an impromptu arena, except there was no bullfighting. For more than an hour, the bull was ramming into cars, perhaps in frustration and confusion. That's when a passer-by jumped in to take a video of the action.

A video captures Brand eviscerating the hosts of MSNBC’s Morning Joe for essentially laughing at him to his face during an interview. Co-host Mika Brzezinski and panelists Katty Kay and Brian Shactman appear visibly nervous about interviewing the loquacious British comedian. Brzezinski starts the segment by admitting she's never heard of Brand, because she’s “not very pop-cultured.” The anchors titter about Brand’s outfit, whisper “uh-oh” after he mentions Americans are free to wear what they want, inexplicably plug the musical Kinky Boots, and appear shocked that Brand is able to give a coherent explanation for name of his new comedy tour, The Messiah Complex.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Something light for you to take in this week. Mya was so fine back in the day. Last I saw she's still ahead of the game, but not on fire like she was back at the time of this video. Thighs and eyes, thighs and eyes...get me every time.

Girl can dance her ass off, too. And the Belvey ad placement was sly. Probably would've gotten her a Wifey Material post, if On the Rocks had been around at the time.

Friday, June 7, 2013

You may have seen it by now, but this video compilation of people reacting to last week's Game of Thrones "shocker" is priceless. I don't even watch GoT, but I happened to be on Twitter the minute the East Coast viewers got hit, and the wave of freaked-out tweets was delicious.

Publicis, the advertising agency used by Mini in Mexico, came up with an inventive (or offensive, depending on your point of view) way of reminding female drivers "that there's a time and place for everything." And while we're not quite sure of the veracity of the statistics cited in the video below, or even the necessity of its production in general, perhaps we'll just take it as a reminder to pay attention while driving... no matter what else happens to be on our minds. Or faces, as it were.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

First, and foremost, you have young Cassidy, at what appeared to be the start of a rise to stardom. Then his murder case and car accident sidetracked that rise, and the Philly hustla has never really found his way since.

Second, you have Mashonda, the ex-Mrs. Swizz, who's gained more attention for Alicia Keys' homewrecking than for her musical talents. (And that's a shame, since she certainly has talent; "Hold Me" with Kanye is one of my all-time favorite tracks.)

Last, but certainly not least, you have VIDA. My...god. I wish I could tell you how many times I heard "Yo, who's the girl in the Cass video??" after this joint first aired. Truth be told, Mashonda looks good. Real good. So for them not to make her Cass' love interest in the video took something—someone amazing. Vida, te amo, mami.