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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

In the seventh season finale of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' the plot intermittently focuses on the taping of the 'Seinfeld' reunion show. This got us to wondering: What if 'Seinfeld' actually came back on the air with new episodes? (Jerry Seinfeld has made it pretty clear that this will not happen.) But what if it did? Having said that (ahem), what has happened to these characters over the last 11 years? Assuming the events that happened to the 'Seinfeld' characters within the 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' episode is in fact canon, we collected all the information contained within the table read, rehearsals and the filmed episode to bring us up to date on where the seven characters featured stand in 2009 (in alphabetical order):

Kenny Bania:

Is out of work due to the bad economy. Though, as it's pointed out by Jerry Seinfeld, he never worked that often in a good economy. Seems pleased by this observation.

Elaine Benes:

Has a daughter, Isabelle, with Jerry Seinfeld, though, the child is unaware that Jerry is the father as he donated sperm and was not a part of her upbringing. Elaine wants Isabelle to know the truth about Jerry; Elaine feels Isabelle needs a father figure in her life. Jerry is hesitant about this idea and doesn't even like the idea of being called "Uncle Jerry." He feels Superman grew up just fine without knowing who his father was. Elaine, to Jerry's surprise, knows that Superman at least had the crystals that explained his past. Isabelle would not have this same luxury. Elaine feels Jerry should replace Isabelle's Judy doll he ruined by mistakenly giving it a haircut. Eventually Isabelle is told the truth about Jerry as she passes along a message to "thank daddy" for the new doll she received. Elaine has also become a "Blackberry Person," to the point that Jerry often becomes annoyed with her constant usage.

Estelle Costanza:

Has moved from Queens, NY to Florida. It is unclear if she is still married to Frank Costanza. Her son, George, was going to buy her a new house but never got a chance before he lost millions in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme. The news of George getting back together with his ex-wife may kill her.

George Costanza:

In the 11 years since we last saw George Costanza, he had become a multi-millionaire due to his invention of the iToilet -- an application for the iPhone that "leads you via GPS to the nearest acceptable toilet wherever you are in the world" -- but lost his fortune to Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme and his divorce from wife Amanda. Because of his financial troubles, George now lives with his friend Jerry Seinfeld. He had assumed Amanda lost her half of the fortune, too, but, she didn't trust Madoff because of the way he had his collar flipped on his quilted jacket so she pulled out her half of the money before the Ponzi scheme collapsed. George, now realizing his ex-wife has saved half of his money, tries to court her back -- going as far to have Kramer stage a fake mugging so George could intervene and be labeled a hero. Kramer eventually decides against doing this after Jerry talked him out of it. Amanda is open to George's advances but wants him to sign a prenuptial agreement. Effectively, as Jerry Seinfeld points out, preventing George from getting the money that was his to begin with. Also now has a love/hate relationship with Cuban food and sees no problem with blowing his nose into cloth napkins at restaurants.

Cosmo Kramer:

Still, after at least 20 years, lives at 129 West 81st Street, apartment 5B (minus one year for jail time in 1998-1999). He still has unabated access to Jerry Seinfeld's apartment across the hall in 5A; entering unannounced as he pleases. Kramer fancies himself a great babysitter and seems to have had his feeling hurt by Elaine Benes for not asking him to look after her daughter. Admits he does not condescend to children. Kramer has gotten into the habit of hiring prostitutes for the sole reason of riding with him so he has access to carpool lanes on the way to Yankee Stadium -- something that seems quite eccentric considering the 81st street B train subway station, with a direct route to Yankee Stadium, is only an avenue and a half from his apartment. He admitted he offered his sperm to Elaine Benes when she needed a donation, it seems clear she refused. Kramer has become obsessed with everything to do with convicted Ponzi scheme operator Bernie Madoff; even studying Madoff's office layout that was featured in the newspaper (Kramer may be the one responsible for single handedly keeping the newspaper industry alive). Also has become a fan of the television show, Prison Lock Down.

Newman:

Appears to still live at 129 West 81st Street, Apartment 5E. Still has a disdain for his neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld, but still shows up at Jerry's apartment despite this fact. Has grown facial hair on his chin and has lost some weight. Finds George Costanza's iToilet application "anything but acceptable."

Jerry Seinfeld:

Still resides at 129 West 81st Street, apartment 5A; which officially means he's lived in the same apartment for the last 20 years (minus one year for jail time in 1998-1999). At some point in the last 11 years he had his kitchen cabinets painted green and has a new steel refrigerator. Over the last few years Jerry has upgraded to an iPod controlled music system, a flat screen television with an extensive DVD collection and a flat screen desktop computer. Still enjoys a meal at Monk's Diner; a brisk 31 block (a mile and a half) walk from his residence. Jerry now has a daughter with Elaine Benes through sperm donation, though, his child is not aware of this and has been told to refer to Jerry as "Uncle Jerry," something Jerry is not comfortable with. Jerry makes it clear he doesn't want his daughter to know he's the father, something Elaine wants as she feels Isabelle needs a father figure in her life. When babysitting his daughter for Elaine, he mistakenly cut the hair of her Judy doll, a doll Elaine feels Jerry should now replace. Eventually his daughter is told the truth that Jerry is her father when she asks Elaine to "thank daddy" for the new doll. Jerry still often brings up Superman in casual conversations. Finds it disgusting for anyone to blow their nose in a cloth napkin at a restaurant; sneezes are acceptable. Still despises his neighbor in 5E, Newman.

The Plot: Another straight blaster that offers few surprises story-wise, but shot entirely in eye-popping, fantasy-influenced CGI.

Taking the baton from James Cameron’s Avatar, Scott makes a race of Xenomorph-human hybrids the stars of this show.

Most Awesome Scene: Hmm. Certainly NOT the graphic flashback sequence revealing that these unholy chimera were originally created through much ‘gentler’ human-beast interactions than facehugging. Grim.

The Plot: Self-indulgent Ripley biopic, seemingly engineered purely to justify her laudable-but-criminally-inefficient devotion to Newt in the first sequel. Turns out it’s something about a baby sister who perished. Or whatever.

Most Awesome Scene: The Academy go ga-ga for the Vaseline-lensed bedside melodrama. Everyone else prefers the bits where teenage Ripley starts drinking heavily and gets expelled from Military Space College for shaving rude words into her hair.

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Elle Fanning, that scruffy terrier who played Baxter in Anchorman.

Title:Ripley Redux

The Plot: Our heroine learns that Resurrection wasn’t the first time she’d been cloned.

In fact, she’s been continually rebooted since the technology was secretly developed in the 1960s, around the time covert operations started up at Area 51...

Most Awesome Scene: Ripley’s nightmarish discovery of a vast hangar hidden beneath Groom Lake, housing an entire living colony of her own clones.

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Sigourney Weaver, Sigourney Weaver etc.

Title:Ellen

The Plot: Self-indulgent Ripley biopic, seemingly engineered purely to justify her laudable-but-criminally-inefficient devotion to Newt in the first sequel. Turns out it’s something about a baby sister who perished. Or whatever.

Most Awesome Scene: The Academy go ga-ga for the Vaseline-lensed bedside melodrama. Everyone else prefers the bits where teenage Ripley starts drinking heavily and gets expelled from Military Space College for shaving rude words into her hair.

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Elle Fanning, that scruffy terrier who played Baxter in Anchorman.

Title:Ripley Redux

The Plot: Our heroine learns that Resurrection wasn’t the first time she’d been cloned.

In fact, she’s been continually rebooted since the technology was secretly developed in the 1960s, around the time covert operations started up at Area 51...

Most Awesome Scene: Ripley’s nightmarish discovery of a vast hangar hidden beneath Groom Lake, housing an entire living colony of her own clones.

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Sigourney Weaver, Sigourney Weaver etc.

Title:Alien Origins

The Plot: Explores the early space-cruising history of the Xenomorph race, focusing on a previous visit to Earth during the Stone Age, and the hilariously short battles that ensued.

Most Awesome Scene: By pushing a boulder off a cliff, the cave people manage to kill one (sleeping) alien quite near the end. Alas, they then wade into the twitching porridge of viscera to drag it back for dinner, and are instantly acidified.

The Plot: An account of the actual space-mining mission that lead the Nostromo crew into peril, it plays like an offbeat sci-fi mockumentary. Increasingly paranoid interviews with the crew in grainy handicam mode aim to create a looming sense of dread.

Most Awesome Scene(s): Ash proves to be quite the prankster, frequently hijacking Dallas and Kane’s bone-dry mission updates with robotic dance routines and re-enactments of classic movie lines. His Travis Bickle is a hoot.

Starring: All three Blair Witch leads, with Jack Black taking top billing as Ash.

Title:Alien Ghetto

The Plot: Shockingly derivative District 9-alike claims there has indeed been prior contact between humans and Xenomorphs. In fact, there’s still a colony of our lot kept in substandard housing on the outskirts of the alien home world.

Most Awesome Scene: The CGI-loaded climax in which the entire alien planet is ripped in twain, forcing them to relocate to Thedus just in time for the plot of the 1979 film to still make sense.

Starring: Sharlto Copley, in an ill-advised move that more or less drives his promising career into miserable typecasting hell. A real shame.

Title:Aliens vs Androids

The Plot: A complex, morally charged explanation of why our android companions later became such unpredictable allies in the quadrilogy proper. Involves lots of weighty but clichéd psychobabble about implanted memories and ‘loyalty chips’.

Most Awesome Scene: Several hundred AI units rising up as one, tearing out their chest-mounted ethics processors and going batshit mental at a technology expo.

The Plot: It isn't doable as a prequel so it doesn’t really count, but it’d be remiss of us not to mention the franchise's worrying potential for a standard Earth-based apocalypse shooter.

So, as ever, wave upon wave of ET attack ships rain fiery, acid-dripping punishment down on several of America’s most easily identifiable buildings and landmarks. Sigh.

Most Awesome Scene: They blow up the White House! No, wait, been done. They blow up the World Trad-...uh, better not. They blow up the Las Vegas strip! Ah, screw you Con Air - only so many tourist traps look sexy falling over in slow motion, y’know.

The Plot: Eco-themed morality tale. It's the consumer-driven 1980s, and few of us have heard of global warming...but the Xenomorphs have. In fact, their planet is screwed, and they approach us for help.

NASA, however, decide to let the repeated calls for aid go straight to voicemail, citing massive costs. Which makes the aliens really hate us, so over the next two decades, they start to warm our planet from afar...

Most Awesome Scene: Our first fly-by of the colossal 'astral wind cannon' - fundamentally a giant hairdryer - with which the aliens plan to teach us the error of our ways.

It happens all the time: you’re watching a movie and a scene with food starts your salivary glands pumping. There are plenty of eatery choices around the world, but sometimes we pine for that perfect malt or spaghetti dinner we virtually experienced on the big screen the night before. It’s sad, really, because it’s movie food — no matter how hard you crave what you’re seeing, you just can’t get the same experience. Or can you? Here are 15 movie restaurants we’d love to try — real or not.

Katz’s Delicatessen – When Harry Met Sally

When Harry Met Sally is a classic best remembered for a scene in which the title characters are enjoying a lunch at Katz’s Deli in Manhattan. While arguing whether or not men know when a woman fakes orgasm, Sally, played by a young Meg Ryan, proves her point by faking one right at the table — fully clothed of course. Katz’s deli is a real place, and has been serving up mouth-watering sandwiches since 1888 and has seen the likes of US presidents and celebrities. We would like to have what she had.

Athenian Inn – Sleepless in Seattle

The Athenian Inn was featured in a memorable scene in Sleepless in Seattle between characters Sam (Tom Hanks) and Jay (Rob Reiner). They share a heaping plate of clams while Jay advises Sam, a widower. The Athenian Inn is another restaurant that exists just as it does in the movie, waterfront view and all, as it has since 1909. If you’d like to stop by to sit in Tom Hank’s seat, the restaurant is located right at the heart of Seattle — in the famous Pike Place Market.

Mooby’s – Clerks II

Featured in many a Kevin Smith movie, Mooby’s is a favorite imaginary fast-food restaurant shot at a shut-down Burger King in Buena Park, California. Granted, it’s not the cleanest, but the employees are good for a Star Wars vs Lord of the Rings trilogy-debate. And we can’t forget how awesome the hats are.

McDowell’s – Coming to America

It’d be refreshing to come across a McDowell’s, with so many McDonald’s restaurants everywhere. Especially if you don’t like sesame seeds on your Big Mick buns. With awesome uniforms and Golden Arcs, how could you resist? Of course, McDowell’s is only a dream, and the Coming to America team had to get permission from McDonald’s before using the name. I can’t help but think it was win-win anyway. The building used for the McDowell’s set is now a Wendy’s, of all things, in Queens, New York.

Pig Burger – Better Off Dead

Impossible to forget is the awful burger joint that Lane, played by John Cusack, was forced to work in for the first half of Better Off Dead. The singing, dancing, and overall just plain awesome claymation hamburger made for one of the most memorable bits of 80’s film, and the restaurant itself served later in the film as the setting of some much-needed romance. As an act of homage, the owner of Pig Burger was none other than Porky from Porky’s. Unfortunately this one’s pure fiction.

The Frosty Palace – Grease

The Frosty Palace was completely crafted on a sound stage – inside and out – but Grease immortalized the idea of a picture-perfect diner. Home of many a make-up and break-up in the film, we’d imagine the Frosty Palace would serve perfect malts amongst other tasty treats. It’d be a jump back to a simpler time with footsies and doo-wop, when a burger was a burger. We wonder if the namesakes of the Frosty Palace compete with the film-version, but that would mean a trip all the way out to Idaho.

Chotchkies – Office Space

We all know those restaurants. The ones with the kitsch covering every inch of the walls and the employees. Although another imagined restaurant, Chotchkies from Office Space would make any of us crave some potato skins from TGI Fridays, since really, it’s the closest thing. You may leave disappointed though if you go in expecting the enthusiasm of Brian and his 37 pieces of flair.

Jack Rabbit Slim’s – Pulp Fiction

Jack Rabbit Slim’s from Pulp Fiction keeps us craving diner food. What makes this place special, though, would have to be the waitstaff resembling 1950s personalities like Buddy Holly and Marilyn Monroe, along with seating arrangements modeled after vintage cars. There have been copy cats of this movie diner, but none are the real thing. Miramax kingpin Harvey Weinstein wanted to build a chain of the diners, but Tarantino talked him down, which makes us sad, because that Five Dollar Shake sounds amazing.

White Castle – Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

White Castle is one of those restaurants that many people weren’t aware of before Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle – mainly because its only located in the Northeast and Midwest of the U.S. After the movie, it left us all craving the chain’s signature diminutive and delicious sliders like raging stoners. Yes, White Castle is real, and you can find one here. And if you’re not up for a roadtrip, your local supermarket may carry them in the frozen food section. Much of the South can get a near equivalent at Krystal’s, as well.

The Hitching Post – Sideways

Sideways follows two friends through the Santa Barbara wine country over a weekend of women and food, despite the fact that they were supposed to be preparing for one of them to get married. The delights of The Hitching Post in Buellton, California feature old and new food traditions – ribs and chicken to ostrich and smoked duck breast. The movie filmed on location, and if you can’t get out to the Buellton Hitching Post, you can stop by the Casmalia location. Either way, you’re in for tasty fare and beautiful wine country to boot.

Cafe des Deux Moulins – Amelie

Despite the whimsical nature of Amelie, the Cafe des Deux Moulins is real! Come for the food, stay for the atmosphere — the quaint cafe, with its 1950s decor, mustard ceiling, and lace curtains, has all been preserved. Even if you go to look for the unisex restroom, it’s there. The menu has pretty much remained the same as well, if you’re craving beef filets, calf liver, pig’s brains with lentils, or simply a hamburger with an egg on top or a green salad with warm goat cheese, this is your place. Cafe des Deux Moulins is a prime little spot in Paris, especially for the cult of Amelie.

Chez Quis – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

We should all take tips from Ferris Bueller when trying to get into the hottest restaurant in town. Pretend you’re the Sausage King of Chicago. It should work, really! Whether or not we wield any influence, we’d still want to hit up the posh Chez Quis for the high class service and to relive the moments of this classic film. Unfortunately, the inside of the restaurant was filmed in Los Angeles, and the exterior is now a remodeled house in Chicago.

Dancing Zorba’s – My Big Fat Greek Wedding

It can be tough to find authentic Greek food, at least, depending on your location — but the Dancing Zorba brings it that much closer. Sadly, It’s all a ruse, as the interior was shot on a sound stage. My Big Fat Greek Wedding’s Dancing Zorba inspired a slew of namesake Greek restaurants to pop up all over the place, so by all means, hit them up if you’re still hankering for a bite.

Louis’ Restaurant – The Godfather

Louis’ Restaurant in The Godfather was indeed a real restaurant, with a different name, but if you’re looking to “mangia” you’re out of luck. The restaurant where Sollozzo and McClusky were gunned down was shot in the old Luna Restaurant. It’s no longer in business, but was located under the elevated White Plains Road IRT in the Belmont, more commonly known as Little Italy, New York.

The Bamboo Lounge – GoodFellas

Everyone loves a good mafia hangout, like The Bamboo Lounge in GoodFellas. What’s not to love, after all? A combination night club, casino, and flea market could do your wallet a lot of damage. The kitschy decor aside, Joe Pesci did his famous “Funny Guy” scene in this restaurant — why wouldn’t you want to sit where he sat? Well, you won’t exactly get to do so, as the location was flipped from the Hawaii Kai Restaurant to a stylish Japanese restaurant these days. No more South Seas vibe, but at least you can say you’ve visited. Doesn’t that amuse you?

Atlona has been making accessories and adapters for years, but by and large it has remained a pretty low-key name. The new wireless USB to HDMI or VGA adapter, however, looks to really put the company on the map. It's easily one of the most useful adapters we've seen in quite some time, enabling users to send both video and audio signals from a USB-enabled computer to an HDMI/VGA-equipped display without any wires. Just think--you can send the movie on your laptop to your wall-mounted HDTV without any wires in-between. Not a bad setup, huh?

Earlier in the year, Atlona unveiled an adapter by the same name, but one major problem was called out almost immediately: it didn't support audio. Basically, that adapter was great for audio-free presentations alone, but users looking to use this in an entertainment system needed sound. Atlona's latest does indeed include support for audio. Basically, users simply plug one dongle into the USB port, and one into the VGA/HDMI port on the HDTV. Install the drivers on Windows XP, Windows Vista or Windows 7, fire up the video and let things roll over-the-air.

The device sends signals via the UWB protocol, and it's capable of extending any computer wirelessly from the display at lengths up to 30ft with HDTV resolutions up to 720p or PC and VESA resolutions at 1440x1050. Both HDMI and VGA output connections are active at the same time, therefore HDAiR receiver could be used to power up 2 displays at the same time with identical content. It's available today for $219.

Atlona Technologies officially releases the new wireless USB to HDMI or VGA adapter, now with Audio. Atlona Technologies officially releases the new wireless USB to HDMI or VGA adapter, the AT-HDAIR, now with Audio.

Atlona Technologies has been known for their innovative product lines as well as constantly paving the way for new and updated technology in the AV world. With the introduction of the HDAiR, a wireless USB to HDMI or VGA converter, earlier this year, Atlona has caused quite a stir among computer users looking to integrate their computers into their HD audio video systems. After its release, users from around the world responded to Atlona's customer survey asking what additional features could make the HDAiR even better. The overall consensus was to add audio support. Atlona has responded by releasing the all new HDAiR with the ability to output audio in both 3.5mm analog, as well as embedded on the HDMI output. Compatible with both XP, Vista, and Windows 7, this one of a kind device will allow users to connect any USB enabled computer or laptop wirelessly, to any HDTV or projector via VGA or HDMI. This unit wirelessly transmits high resolution signal from a small USB adaptor connected to a computer, to a receiver unit placed next to the display, making it perfect for taking the traditionally personal computing experience and making it a communal experience. Like the older model AT-HDAiR, this newer model with audio still uses chipsets developed by Wisair to transmit USB protocol over Ultra wide band (UWB) frequencies. The new AT-HDAiR, is capable of extending any computer wirelessly from the display at lengths up to 30ft with HDTV resolutions up to 720p or PC and VESA resolutions at 1440x1050. Both HDMI and VGA output connections are active at the same time, therefore HDAiR receiver could be used to power up 2 displays at the same time with identical content. The latest addition to this wireless adapter is that is now able to output digital audio through the HDMI as well as a 3.5mm stereo jack. With the addition of audio to this new version, the HDAiR is perfect for viewing continuously popular streaming media from HULU or Youtube, as well as computer based leaning programs such as Rosetta Stone or Lynda online training. With quick and easy installation, the all new HDAiR with Audio opens up a word of possibilities. For home, business, and educational users providing a cost effective and convenient solution to integrate PC's and laptops into HD audio video systems. Atlona's all new AT-HDAiR with audio is officially available just in time for the holidays with an MSRP of $219.00.

In its own way, every cloud formation is beautiful and unique. The beauty of it could be in its color, its shape or its sheer size. Yet every once in a while, someone with a good camera chances upon those truly amazing cloud formations – the variety whose image gets stuck in your mind, freezes there and ‘refuses’ to go away. The variety that you know that you may never get to see again in your lifetime, however longer you live thereafter. Those are the types of cloud formations we refer to as the world’s most amazing formations.

There are a number of such truly amazing cloud formations on the online photo sharing site, Flickr. It is true, looking at flicker images, that you may not be able to conjure the exact feel the photograph-taker got upon sighting the cloud formations in question. Yet if the forms, sizes and colors on these images of cloud formations are anything to go by, you know that you are looking at some of the world’s most amazing cloud formations.

There is, for instance, one attributed to an obviously highly experienced photographer by the name Frank Slack, with the yellowish brown glow of a setting sun in the distance, as one example of such truly amazing cloud formations. The formation in question here – taken in the part of Italy known as Florence, is not spectacularly big, or particularly beautiful in form. The beauty in question, rather, lies in its color: the said yellowish brown tint of a setting sun, which is accentuated. To be sure, many people have been able to capture this phenomenon of the setting sun, before. They however, tend to do in from a distance: so that the yellowish brown tint is seen from a far. What Frank Slack has done away, however, is to capture the phenomenon roughly overhead: coming up with what can only be described as an amazing image.

Then there is another amazing cloud formation whose image is to be found on the same photo sharing site (Flickr), and which is attributed to a photographer known as Wes Thomas. Said to have been taken at Huntsville Alabama, the beauty of this formation lies in its shape and size, rather than color (seeing that it was taken at night, according to the blurb alongside it). Words can’t describe it enough. Suffice it to say that it is the type of cloud formation that one is first tempted to dismiss as graphically altered with Photoshop or something, before getting to look at it more keenly.

Still at Flickr, another truly amazing cloud formation we identified is one attributed to Ben Brown, apparently taken from New York’s Brooklyn Bridge. The wonderment here is in the color: it being a tone of red one wouldn’t ordinarily attribute to nature. The dispersed sheep wool shapes in it too, are amazing, as is the background against which it is taken under the Brooklyn Bridge.

Marialuisa Wittlin’s yellowish brown cloud formation, taken in Valencia Spain, earns a place among the world’s most amazing cloud formations on three counts: color, form and size (this time the note on size being on account of smallness and hence ‘cuteness’).

To close the list, at least for now, is the formation formed by diffusion of sunlight into quite thin clouds, with hints of water in them – taken by someone in Central Illinois. A truly amazing work of nature, is the only way one would describe these amazing cloud formation.

Looking at all these formations, one is tempted to ask why we (ourselves) never get to sight similar patterns. Turns out that it is not because one never comes across such patterns, but rather because we tend not to be tuned in well enough to take note them. Look up, sometimes, and you may see wonders.

Dolph and JCVD are back, and kicking super-soldier ass, in Sony's $15 million Universal Soldier: Regeneration. This time, the aging super-soldiers must save the president's abducted children before a radioactive cloud kills us all. No, really. Check out the trailer!

Synopsis:

The militant Islamist Chechen Basayev abducts the children of the President and takes control of Chernobyl, threatening to unleash a radioactive cloud unless his demands are met. Luc Deveraux (Van Damme), now a Universal Soldier again, joins a new team of UniSols secretly held in deep storage. Their mission is to retake Chernobyl and disable explosives that will unleash radioactive clouds. Luc discovers that one of the reactivated Universal Soldiers is a clone of his old, homicidal Sergeant, Andrew Scott (Lundgren). He also must face the NGU, the next generation in the UniSol biotechnology.

Andre the Giant had an enormous appetite for love, life– and apparently, alcohol. Lots of it. The stories of his consumption are legendary and honestly– almost unbelievable. They’re also well-circulated too, so I’m sure I’m not telling you anything that you didn’t already know. Andre, I raise my glass– Here’s to you, my friend. You big lovable French wrestling legend drinker guy, you.

I think I’d be inclined to drink too, if I knew I’d never live anything that even remotely resembled a normal life. What if you’re a guy like Andre and just want to have a nice little family with 2.5 kids and some rabbits, and lead a quiet, simple existence? Yeah, well you’re totally screwed buddy– that’s what. It ain’t gonna happen. The world wants its freak show.

They say that Andre had a lot of emotional and physical pain that he was masking with his drinking. Now that you explain it like that, I totally understand the whole “119 beers in six hours” thingy. Comfortably numb. Seriously, all us guys know exactly why Andre would pull a stunt like that– because he could.

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French wrestler Andre Rene Roussimoff, best known as "Andre the Giant" during a Paris fashion exhibition. At 19, Andre reportedly stands 7 feet and 4 inches tall --1966.

Some amazing man or woman, past or present, who stands colossus-like atop the Big Keg, the ground below littered with crushed empties and the blacked-out carcasses of lesser beings? A verging demigod, whose prowess with a bottle leaves you shaking your head in pop-eyed adoration? Lots of us do.

In addition to their wrist-raising abilities, we deify great drinkers because they indulge their lust for intoxication while simultaneously operating at the peak of their powers in whatever their chosen profession. In other words, great drunks are also great writers, actors, athletes, scientists, statesmen, philosophers, and so on.

I have a favorite drunkard. He was an athlete—a professional wrestler in fact—but he was also a gifted entertainer and a true artist. His parents named him Andre Rene Rousimoff, but we knew him as The Eighth Wonder of the World, Andre the Giant.

For two decades, from the late 1960s through the mid 1980s, Andre the Giant was the highest paid professional wrestler in the business and a household name across the globe. Promoters fought tooth and nail to book Andre, as his presence on a card all but guaranteed a sell-out. Fans cheered his every move, and mobbed him on the street as if he were a great big Beatle.

For proof of his drawing power, look no further than Wrestlemania III in 1987. The main event was Andre vs. Hulk Hogan. The show drew the first million-dollar gate in wrestling history, set a pay-per-view record that lasted a decade, and set the all-time indoor attendance record for any live event ever—78,000+ butts in seats at the Pontiac Silver Dome in Detroit—destroying the previous record set by some rock band called the Rolling Stones. His rematch with Hogan two months later, broadcast live on NBC, attracted 33 million viewers, making it the most watched wrestling match ever.

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Andre the Giant with an armload of uh, beauties --back in 1982.

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Known to his friends simply as “Giant” or “Boss,” Andre was born on May 19th, 1946, in Grenoble, France, the child of Russian immigrants. Shortly after his birth, he was diagnosed with a rare glandular disease, acromegaly, which caused his body to over-produce growth hormones. As a result, Andre grew to a height of somewhere between 6’11” and 7’5” and a weight of over 500 pounds (his actual height and weight have been speculated about for decades—the business is notorious for inflating wrestlers’ statistics—but Andre’s illness sometimes made him slouch or bow his shoulders, so he might well have been the advertised 7’5”). He first wrestled as Andre the Butcher, but it was Vincent J. McMahon Sr., owner of New York’s World Wide Wrestling Federation (WWWF), who christened him “Andre the Giant.”

While it can be argued that a miniscule handful of professional wrestlers matched Andre’s in-ring achievements (Gorgeous George back in the ‘40s and ‘50s, perhaps; Dusty Rhodes in the ‘70s, and Hulk Hogan, without a doubt, in the ‘80s), no other wrestler ever matched his exploits as a drunkard. In fact, no other human has ever matched Andre as a drinker. He is the zenith. He is the Mount Everest of inebriation.As far as great drunkards go, there is Andre the Giant, and then there is everyone else.

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Andre the Giant-- 7" 4" and 424 pounds of wrestling mayhem.

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The big man loved two things: wrestling and booze—mostly booze—and his appetites were of mythic proportion.

First, consider the number 7,000. It’s an important number, and a rather scary one considering its context, which is this—it has been estimated that Andre the Giant drank 7,000 calories worth of booze every day.The figure doesn’t include food. Just booze.

When Andre arrived in New York to begin his long working relationship with the McMahon family, his reputation as both a serious student of the nightlife and an extravagant spender was already a topic of speculation and wonder among East Coast wrestlers and promoters. Andre might make $15,000-$20,000 for a single appearance at Madison Square Garden, and a substantial amount of that went to settling the bar tabs he piled up as he boozed his way up and down Manhattan until sunrise. Andre’s generosity matched his size. He often invited a gang of fellow wrestlers along for the ride, as he disliked drinking alone, and picked up some truly staggering tabs. Andre was going to have a good time and went out of his way to make sure everyone else did too.

Worried about his headliner, Vince McMahon Sr. assigned a “handler” to the Giant—long-time wrestler, manager, and road agent, Arnold Skaaland, whose only job when Andre was in town was to keep him out of serious trouble and get him to the arena in time to wrestle. Skaaland was an old-school drinker in his own right, but Andre blew his mind. On one occasion he could only watch goggle-eyed as Andre went about demolishing a dozen or so quarts of beer as a “warm-up” for a match.

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With Skaaland on the job, Vince Sr. knew Andre was in capable hands, but the promoter still worried about how the Giant would cope with the insane amount of travel required of a wrestling superstar. Andre loathed flying—no commercial airliner could accommodate such a massive man without resorting to the luggage compartment—and his opinion of most cars wasn’t much sunnier, because aspects of his disease caused intense pain in his knees, hips and lower back when he remained too long in a cramped position. When a tight schedule left a plane or car as the only option, Andre eased his discomfort by getting good and hammered.

Vince Sr. pondered the situation and arrived at a novel solution. He wanted to keep the big man happy, so he bought a trailer and had it customized just for Andre. With plenty of room to spread out and relax, Andre could now travel in a semblance of comfort, which allowed him to do some serious boozing. During trips Andre consumed beer at the incredible rate of a case every ninety minutes, with bottles of vodka or top-rate French wine thrown in for variety.

Sadly, the trailer wasn’t available outside the WWWF territory; Vince Sr. wasn’t about to do the competition any favors. Andre didn’t expect other promoters to pony up a trailer just for him, so he commissioned a customized Lincoln Continental. With the front seat now positioned about where the back seat would normally be, Andre had a little leg room. He carried his luggage and wrestling gear in the trunk and towed his necessities in a trailer. Lined with plastic tarps, the rickety trailer was filled with ice and cases of Budweiser tallboys. As he cruised the nation’s highways, Andre kept a case on the seat beside him, stopping only for food, more ice, and another case or two if he ran low.

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Wilt Chamberlain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Andre the Giant-- on the set of Conan.

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As famous as Andre was in this country, he was even bigger in Japan. He spent a few months out of every year over there, where he was treated like a living god and pocketed five-figure payoffs for a single night’s work. That being said, Andre didn’t really like Japan. Everything was too small. Hotel beds were like bassinets and it was all but impossible for him to shower or go to the bathroom in their Lilliputian facilities. He was known to rip the door off his hotel bathroom and make use of the toilet by sitting sideways with his legs sticking out into the main room.Getting from show to show presented its own problems. Japanese promoters preferred to transport the gaijin wrestlers by bus, vehicles which steadfastly refused to house giants. In order to placate their star import, promoters removed several rows of seats from the back of the bus, creating something of a private cabin for Andre, a place spacious enough for him to stretch out or catch a nap. Mostly, though, Andre used the space as a comfortable spot to do his drinking.

A very green rookie wrestler named Hulk Hogan toured Japan several times with Andre and witnessed the Giant’s alcohol consumption first hand. According to Hogan, Andre drank, at a minimum, a case of tall boys during each bus ride. When he finished a can Andre would belch, crush the can in his dinner-platter-sized hand, and bounce the empty off the back of Hogan’s head. Hogan learned to count each thunk, so he could anticipate when Andre was running low. Whenever the bus stopped, it was Hogan’s job to scamper off to the nearest store, buy as many cases of beer as he could carry, and make it back before the bus departed, a sight that never failed to make Andre roar his bassoon-like laugh.

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March 25th, 1976-- New York. Ali Meets a Giant. When World Heavyweight Boxing Champion Muhammad Ali was in New York to meet Japanese wrestler Antonio Inoki, whom he will meet in a boxer versus wrestler match in Tokyo, June 26th, someone caught his eye --- it was seven-foot-four Andre, the Giant, a wrestler from France and friend of Inoki. The towering Andre became the object of Ali's attention after he was through trading barbs with Inoki. Ali, so taken in by the man who made him look diminutive by comparison, literally bowed to Andre and then matched his hand against Andre's massive palm. All later placed "The Giant's" fist on his jaw -- glad he won't have to face such a blow.

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On one tour, Andre’s Japanese sponsors rewarded him with a case of expensive plum wine. Andre settled down in the back of the bus and started drinking. Four hours later, the bus arrived at the next venue, and Andre was polishing off the last bottle of wine.

Sixteen bottles of wine in four hours is a considerable feat, but it gets better. Andre proceeded straight to the ring and wrestled three matches, including a twenty-man battle royal. The 16 bottles of plum wine had no discernible effect on Andre’s in-ring ability. By the end of the evening, Andre had sweated off the wine and found himself growing cranky. He dispatched Hogan for a few cases of beer. Hogan hurried to do as Andre asked, knowing from painful experience that a drunken Giant was a happy Giant, and a happy Giant was less likely to fracture some vital part of an opponent’s anatomy in a fit of grumpiness.

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In 1977, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes wrestled Andre at Madison Square Garden. Afterwards, the old friends went out on the town. They adjourned to one of Andre’s favorite watering holes and took stools at the bar (Andre occupied two). Several hours and some 100 beers later (around 75 of them were Andre’s), they decided to head back to their hotel. Andre looked at taxis with the same scorn as most other conveyances and announced that he and Dusty would walk, which was problem because Dusty was having trouble maintaining a vertical position. Andre studied the situation, and a twinkling grin blossomed across his huge face. People who spent any time with the big man quickly learned to watch for that grin. It was a harbinger of danger. It meant that Andre was contemplating something risky, something with potential legal ramifications, but also, most assuredly, something fun.

A moment later, the two huge wrestlers attacked a pair of horse-drawn carriages. Dusty threw a handful of paper money at one driver while Andre hauled the other from his seat with one hand. While one driver cursed and the other scrabbled around on the ground collecting his windfall, Andre and Dusty thundered off in the carriages. They raced through the Manhattan streets, dodging cars and pedestrians for fifteen blocks before ditching the carriages and lathered horses a block from their hotel. By the time the cops arrived, Andre and Dusty were enjoying snifters of brandy in the hotel bar, appearing as innocent as angels. The next day, they main-evented another card at the Garden. Another sell-out. Two pros at the top of their games.

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Another time, in the ‘70s, Andre was holding court at a beach-front bar in the Carolinas, boozing it up with fellow wrestlers Blackjack Mulligan, Dick Murdoch, and the inimitable Ric Flair. They’d been drinking with gusto for hours when Flair goaded Mulligan and Murdoch into some slap-boxing with Andre, who had poured over 60 beers down his gullet. One of the two “accidentally” sucker-punched Andre. The Giant became enraged, grabbed both Mulligan (6’5”, 250 lbs.) and Murdoch (6’3”, 240 lbs.) and dragged them into the ocean, one in each hand, where he proceeded to hold them under water. Flair intervened, and Andre released the men, assuring them he was only playing around. Murdoch and Mulligan, who had nearly drowned, weren’t so sure, but neither messed with Andre the Giant again. They also picked up the tab.

On another occasion, Andre was touring the Kansas City territory and went out for drinks after a show with Bobby Heenan and several other wrestlers. When the bartender hollered last call, Andre, slightly annoyed, announced that he didn’t care to leave. Rather than risk an altercation with his hulking customer, the bartender told Andre he could stay only if he was drinking, imagining, surely, that he would soon be rid of the big fella. Andre thanked the man, and proceeded to order 40 vodka tonics. He sat there drinking them, one after another, finishing the last at just after five in the morning.

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Debbie Harry with Andre the Giant

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When ill health forced Andre to largely quit wrestling in the late ‘80s, he accepted the role of Fezzik in Rob Reiner’s movie The Princess Bride. Everyone on the set loved the big man, with the possible exception of Reiner himself. Ever the sociable fellow, he kept fellow cast members Mandy Patinkin and Carey Elwes out night after night, drinking and otherwise goofing around. The actors were incapable of matching Andre’s intake, but certainly gave it a serious try. As a result, they often showed up on set still loaded or suffering from the sort of hangovers that make death seem a pleasant alternative. Reiner tried to get Andre to leave the actors alone, but Andre could only be Andre, and the other cast members continued to pay the price.

The shooting schedule required Andre to be in England for about a month. When his part wrapped, Andre checked out of his suite at the Hyatt in London and flew back to his ranch in North Carolina. His bar bill for the month-long stay?

Just a shade over $40,000.

Now, if everything I’ve described so far isn’t proof enough that Andre the Giant was the greatest drunkard who ever lived, these last two stories should set my claim in granite.

You won’t find it in the Guinness Book of World Records, but Andre the Giant holds the world record for the largest number of beers consumed in a single sitting. These were standard 12-ounce bottles of beer, nothing fancy, but during a six-hour period Andre drank 119 of them. It was one of the few times Andre got drunk enough to pass out, which he did in a hallway at his hotel. His companions, quite drunk themselves, couldn’t move the big man. Fearing trouble with cops, they stole a piano cover from the lounge and draped it over Andre’s inert form. He slept peacefully until morning, unmolested by anyone. Perhaps the hotel people thought he was a piece of furniture.

Giants are not made long for this world, and toward the end of his life injuries and health problems caused by the acromegaly caught up with Andre. It became difficult just to walk, let alone wrestle, so he retired to his North Carolina ranch to drink wine and watch the countryside. He declined myriad requests for a comeback, despite promises of lavish payoffs. He was simply in too much pain to perform at the level he demanded of himself. Then he received a call from Vince McMahon Jr.

McMahon was in the midst of taking his WWF promotion national. He’d scored big-time with his Wrestlemania events on pay-per-view, and as Wrestlemania III approached, Vince Jr. was hot to make it the biggest thing yet. To make that happen, he needed Andre the Giant.

Andre was in France visiting his ailing father when the call came. He thanked Vince Jr. but said there was no way he could get back in a ring, even though he very much wanted to. Not willing to give up, Vince Jr. flew to France to speak with Andre in person. He took Andre to see doctors specializing in back and knee maladies. Radical back surgery was proposed. If successful, the procedure would lessen Andre’s pain and perhaps make it possible for him to get in the ring for Wrestlemania. If Andre was game, Vince Jr. agreed to pay for the entire cost of the surgery.

The time arrived, and the anesthesiologist was frantic. He had never put a person of Andre’s size under the gas before and had no idea how much to use. Various experts were brought in but no solution presented itself until one of the doctors asked Andre if he was a drinker. Andre responded that, yes, he’d been known to tip a glass from time to time. The doctor then wanted to know how much Andre drank and how much it took to get him drunk.

“Well,” rumbled the Giant, “It usually takes two liters of vodka just to make me feel warm inside.”

And thus was a solution found. The gas-passer was able to extrapolate a correct mixture for Andre by analyzing his alcohol intake. It was a medical breakthrough, and the system is still used to this day.

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Chuck Wepner is draped on the ropes, about to fall through, after Andre the Giant picked him up and tossed him out of the ring in the third round of the boxer-wrestling match held at Shea Stadium. Andre was declared the winner in 1:15 after a wild scene in which trainers and handlers tried to push Wepner back in the ring within the 20-second time limit --1976.

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Five months later, Andre the Giant wrestled a “body-slam” match against Hulk Hogan and brought down the house.

Two liters of vodka. Warm and fuzzy. Side by side like that, the two sentences hardly make any sense. For most of us, two liters of vodka means a one-way ticket to Blackout Island aboard the good ship Regurgitania.

After Wrestlemania, Andre retired for good. His beloved father died in 1993 and Andre returned to France to be with his family. He was still there when, on January 26th, 1993, Andre died in his sleep of heart failure at the age of 47.

The key to Andre the Giant is this — even as a youth he knew that his disease would dramatically shorten his life. He knew there was no cure, and lived every day with the understanding that death could shamble around the very next corner. Knowledge of this sort can darken a life.

It did not darken Andre’s.

He chose instead to pack his days with as much insane, drunken fun as they could hold. Instead of languishing in the darkness, he chose to walk in the sun.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again now. Andre the Giant was an inspiration. I would pay a fortune for the opportunity to go back in time 30 years to watch such a master practice his craft, in the ring and at the bar.

Andre the Giant was the very embodiment of what being a drunkard is all about.—Richard English

Ian M. Sherwin Giclée

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