Cooking for the cook

Guess whoÂ’s a pain in the ass?

Cooks are a pain in the ass to cook for. I should
know — I’m one of them. Friends tell me all the time that even the thought of
cooking for me is intimidating, and I have been naïve enough to
believe that my expertise is the barrier between me and those dinner
invitations. Yeah, expert control freak. Always wanting to run the show, I am a bully even
when the kitchen isn’t mine. I push my way in, elbowing for
cutting-board room and demanding a job that I am confident will yield
superior results at the dinner table. On my own turf, I’m worse — a
narcissistic tyrant. Buffet dinner party for 30? That’s right, I do
it solo. No thanks, don’t you even think of bringing something to
eat, you gastronomic dope; only a bottle of wine will do, thanks. Intimidating? “Awful” is more like it. After an emasculating experience attempting to cook
dinner for me several months ago, the sweetheart, stalwart in his mission
to do more than wash dishes or light the coals, recently ripped open a
package of spare ribs and pronounced them his. For a second, the bully in me appeared, but I quickly
shut her up and said, “Yes, they are. Cook me some ribs,
baby.”But then I knew that this time I had to stand by my
words. I had to let go and be at peace with relinquishing control. I handed
him a copy of How to Cook Meat and got out of the way. Turns out he did a beautiful job slow-roasting the
ribs in a dry paste, then grilling them on low heat to get an exterior
crust that I can’t stop thinking about. I’ve learned my lesson — and now
he’s the boss of me. Dry-Wet Ribs Inspired by How to Cook
Meat, by Chris Schlesinger and John Willoughby
Ingredients For 1 pound of spare ribs, apply the following: Dry paste 1 tablespoon minced garlic 1 tablespoon ground cumin 1 tablespoon cayenne 1 tablespoon brown sugar 1 1/2 tablespoons salt 1 1/2 tablespoons black pepper 3 tablespoons orange juice (or beer, rum, or
tequila) Juice of one lime Two glugs of your favorite hot sauce 1 tablespoon olive oil Wet sauce Make your own: 1/8 cup molasses, 1/4 cup ketchup,
juice of one lime, 1 tablespoon cumin, and a few glugs of your favorite hot
sauce. Or buy it: I highly recommend Bone Suckin’
Sauce (bottled in Raleigh, N.C., and available online at
www.bonesuckin.com). Instructions Preheat oven to 200 degrees. In a blender or food
processor, combine paste ingredients and blend until smooth. Dry ribs with
paper towels, then rub thoroughly with paste. Place on a baking tray and
place in oven, slow-roasting for about three hours or until meat is tender,
receding from the bone. Remove ribs from oven. Ribs can move immediately to
the grill or be refrigerated and covered for up to 2 days. Fire up your
grill; you want a low fire, with the rack high, if possible. Place ribs on
grill. Within 30 minutes, you will notice a crust developing on the outside
of the ribs. The longer you cook them, the better. Brush with sauce during
last the five minutes on grill.