Snack Report: Digging Up Some Old Hostess Treasures

During The Great Hostageddon of 2013 when Hostess went bankrupt I did what any sane person would do, I ran out and bought tons of Hostess products and froze most of them to extend my Hostess enjoyment. I ended up enjoying a bunch of it, but when Hostess came back I ended up throwing most of the leftovers away. Hey, don’t judge me, I live in a first world country where we can throw out deserts! On a recent trip to my parent’s house my Mom asked what I wanted to do with some she had remaining in her freezer. I was about to toss it when my girlfriend pointed out there was the rarest of the rare… a chocolate pie.

Now long time readers of this blog will remember that I fell in love with the Hostess Chocolate Pudding Pie during Hostageddon, basically at the worst time possible. Even before Hostageddon Chocolate Pudding pies were very hard to find even for fans, good luck finding them after they go bankrupt! When Hostess came back they did not bring back the Chocolate Pudding Pie and they still haven’t. Yes, it’s an outrage.

Looking back on the pictures I feel grossed out.

Anyway, I knew I had to eat it. I also knew that I had to check out the cherry pies that were in the same Ziploc bag. I mean, how do you turn down the opportunity to eat a two year old Hostess snack? I had zero faith that the cherry pies were going to be any good, especially since the last time I ate a frozen cherry pie it was a pitiful experience. I still held out hope that chocolate would be okay.

After thawing and opening them for this very review that hope was snuffed out. I knew there was going to be a problem as soon as I took the pies out of their container. The once familiar paper bags they were packed in (Hostess now has them in boxes) were fairly moist, meaning that the pies themselves were going to be wet. I wasn’t sure how to dry them out, so I went ahead with the experiment.

The first pie I opened was cherry and the crust was moist. Not super moist, but moist enough to know I was going to have a problem. In fact, if the word moist makes you uncomfortable, it was the same discomfort I felt feeling the slightly spongy pie crust in my hand knowing I was going to have to attempt to eat it.

Sadness.

I only took one bite of the cherry pie before I bailed. The pie filling had completely settled on one side and dried into almost nothing. I tried dissecting it in a post-mortem and all I found inside was sadness.

This does not look like pudding.

The chocolate pie was just as disappointing. At first, it was a ho hum experience that was incredibly bland if not semi-unpleasant, but by the end I was filled with a feeling of disgust in myself and every decision I made in life. It was chocolaty, but the overwhelming moistness and blandness of the crust overpowered any chocolaty joy that I could muster from the experience.

Broken dreams.

While it could have been worse, it was not an ideal experiment. However, I do feel slightly special as possibly the last human on Earth to have eaten a Hostess Chocolate Pudding Pie. My place in history is secure.

Hostess, I plead with you. Please bring back the Chocolate Pudding Pie. It’s amazing. If we can get them into the mouths of enough people, they’ll finally know what a superior snack experience and their lives will have meaning once again.