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Wednesday, 19 October 2005

News in today that Tory leader-in-waiting David Cameron has received a message of support from an unlikely source as he stands firm against allegations of drug misuse. The bookies' favourite to succeed whoever was the previous leader will be delighted to hear the views of comedienne, celebrity socialist and committed lesbian, Rhona Cameron. She feels that it is "inconceivable" that the public school educated, former advisor to Norman Lamont could ever be a cocaine eating monster with a four figure sum a day habit.

Cameron: "off his mash on several sachets of toot a day? No way!"

"David may be many things, but a junkie? Come on! I don't believe a word of those stories of him getting off his mash on the devil's dandruff with dodgy S & M madames and all that - even though there are pictures of it, apparently. I 'm sure there is a lot of Chas floating around Westminster - I mean, John Redwood looks totally wired even when he's straight, for goodness sakes! But I'm sure David Cameron has never shovelled toot up his snout like a crazed dope fiend in the kharzi of the Groucho."

"Rhona: R-H-O-N-A-Rhona"

Asked how she could be sure that the blue-eyed boy of the Conservative party who many are tipping to be a future Prime Minister was not snorting his way to oblivion on a cloud of proscribed Columbian Class As, Cameron produced a weighty argument to support her thesis. "Take a look at most Chas-heads", said the diminutive Scot. "As a rule, they're thin, wiry, gangly sorts who go for days on end without eating and hump themselves stupid in marathon orgies of joyless sex with glazed over, mannequin-like models. Think David Bowie in his Thin White Duke phase.

Bowie: "a waxworks, in the bleedin' desert?"

Now look at David Cameron. That's right - he's an utterly repulsive tub of lard in comparison. I mean, look at those chins! Horrible, aren't they - like Nigel Lawson after one of his 3 week binges on Nigella's home made 'piggy pudding'. He'd give old Nicholas "yard of full-fat cream competition, anyone?" Soames a run for his money in the horrifically obese Tory stakes. No, David Cameron may be many things, but a zombified, coke fiend is not one of them. I'd say he's just a typical Tory, myself: fat, disgusting and out to screw the country for all it's worth on behalf of his public school tosser business pals. Just you watch, he'll be reintroducing Section 28, calling for tougher immigration laws and banging on about asylum seekers and single mums just like all the others once he's been voted in."

Nigella: "totally gratuitous"

Rhona Cameron is currently appearing as Nanky Poo in Aladdin at the Rotunda Club, Faversham.