These last days, or this weekend, I’ve been doing rather well, my mood has been sort of steady I think, but what I don’t get is why the signs(Depression coming back) won’t let go and fade away.

Signs like; Annoyed by everything, loss of energy, feeling exhausted, a little sleeping trouble(waking up several times Etc.), also head ache, which I usually get before or after I’ve been feeling down, but now I just have it pretty much all the time, and it doesn’t seem to want to let go.

From what you can read I probably sound pretty confused, well guess what, I am!

First of all, I show no signs of being suicidal (Thank god!), and I’m not confused about that at all, I’m just glad.

But what I’m confused about is the way everything’s going, I just don’t understand it. It’s frustrating really, I don’t know how to handle it. And I’m confused about wither I’m just overreacting about the signs(Hope so), or is it different this time? Am I just kidding myself?

Am I just blocking the feelings out? Am I just pretending so much I don’t even notice any more? I’m clueless.

Another thing is that since my mum found out how it really was, at least sort of, and the fact that I thought I was suicidal, she and those at home have been paying a lot more attention to me, but also worrying more than they should. I mean, I’ve told them that I’m fine, I’m not suicidal, I’m not going to kill myself, but it’s like they don’t hear a word of what I’m saying, or they don’t believe me.

Or maybe I really am just fooling myself, maybe I’m so deep in it that I don’t realize it?

Okay I must admit, it sounds pretty crazy, and I honestly don’t believe that explanation for a second, but I need to find out what’s going on with me, because I feel different, very different, but I don’t know why, and I even notice that I write different. Or maybe that’s just me, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I’m not scared of changes, but when it comes to something changing about me, like how I am and such, it can’t be a good thing, unless it’s for the better.

Have I just given up? Is that why I feel so different, so calm? I honestly don’t know, and if I have, I don’t see why.

I wish I could make this make sense in some way, to me at least, because right now everything’s a mess inside my head, and I don’t think it will sort itself out without help.

Warning, this text contains a picture that could trig people who self harm.

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My mind has been going nuts non-stop since yesterday evening, and I’m not sure what’s going on to be honest.

Usually I can tell right away what’s the right thing to do, what’s the positive part, and what’s not, but now I can’t tell which is which.

The urge is there constant, trying to trick me into doing what I know deep down is wrong, I know I shouldn’t, but in a twisted way, my mind make the harming seem like a good thing, like I need it.

I’ve been feeling rather empty since last night, and my mind’s solution to that is to cut myself, so then I’ll feel something. And just like I know I should tell my mum, or at least someone, but I just can’t, I can’t find one single good reason to why I should, I just can’t.

It’s like I want to end up at the hospital, with stitches and who knows what, and my way of reasonable it was that then I had to tell my mum, she would find out anyway.

I really don’t know what to do, I’m tired of fighting it, I just want to give up, give in to the urge. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m not sure how much longer I can resist.

I know for a fact that I won’t tell my mum, not unless it’s really urgent, life threatening.

It’s like I’m completely against telling anyone, even though I know I need to tell someone, but I just can’t get myself to do it, I can’t find a reason good enough to do it, I don’t see the point.

I’m scared, worried, I know what could happen, but at the same time it seems like it’s not serious enough, like; what’s the worst thing that could happen? And even the worst thing, doesn’t seem serious enough.

Do I want to put myself in danger, to risk my own life? I’m completely clueless of what’s happening.

Yesterday I was attending to a group which I often do on Thursdays, and a girl I got to know had her sleeves rolled up, and I saw her scars, and for some reason it trigged the urge to harm myself, like mine weren’t serious enough, they weren’t good enough.

I have no idea what’s going on, but it seems like I’ve already given in to the urge.

So wrong it’s right, eh?

Bekka – InsideOut

xx

Edit 2: Well I managed 12 days, now the question is, will I be able to resist next time, or will it be worse?