Mr. Chanandler Bong (because of ABC.com's refusal to get images up in time, I have to go an alternate route this week.)<!-- IE6 HACK --><!-- IE6 HACK --><p>Never before have I been so happy to not watch <i>Dancing with the Stars</i> while it was broadcasting live. You already know how much I hate the filler that the Results Show makes you sit through, but the first half-hour of <i>Dancing</i> (which after about 10 minutes I just fast-forwarded through) was like the Results Show. But without any results. All of the judges took turns critiquing the remaining eight pair's past dances, giving us... um, absolutely nothing of substance (hey, keep your snide remarks about my blog to yourself). Unless you missed the previous four weeks of the show. Or just love to hear the judges say things that they already have said throughout the season. Which come to think of it is what Bruno (the Randy Jackson of the bunch) already does on a weekly basis. So as <i>Dancing with the Stars</i> goes down the same path that has already befallen <i>American Idol</i>, the Theme Week, how did the eight remaining couples do with TV Theme Week? Here's a rundown, dancer by dancer, in order of appearance (with judge's score for each dance in parenthesis, along with what I guessed the couple's theme song would be (as they walked down the stairs in-costume), and what the couple's theme song really was when they started dancing):</p>With all that "<i>Friends</i>' money," you think they wouldn't have to share.<!-- IE6 HACK --><!-- IE6 HACK --><p>Brandy &amp; Maksim Chmerkovskiy (27; <i>Mad Men</i>/<i>Friends</i>): While preparing to "I'll Be There for You" Brandy dared to ask Maks "are you there for me?" which was perfectly responded to by Maks, like a true friend, with a "not often." Of course, to not look like a total creep, he did throw in an "I'm just kidding." Now I don't remember Ross and Rachel or Chandler and Monica ever wearing these outfits, so I was a bit thrown off by that. It would've been better if the two fully embraced the <i>Friends</i>' episode "The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks" (or "The One Where the Stripper Cries") and given Maks a Flock of Seagulls haircut, a la Chandler Bing. Because, otherwise, these costumes just made no sense. But the couple's quickstep made up for it (ok, no dance would make up for missing the chance to adorn someone's head with a Flock-style) https://www.bluesfanstore.com/57-wayne-gretzky-jersey, but Brandy did dance her best dance of the season, breaking Bruno's pen by extension. Of course, the dance would've been a bit better if they ended it by dancing in a fountain. But what doesn't end up better in a fountain?</p><p>Florence Henderson &amp; Corky Ballas (21; <i>The Waltons</i>/<i>The Brady Bunch</i>): Ok, I'm the dummy for not figuring out that Flo was going to dance to <i>The Brady Bunch</i> theme (and I'm not even sure if <i>The Waltons</i> had a theme song), but come on, what was up with that outfit?!? At least Corky pulled it off during the first 10 seconds of the dance (what is it with people ripping off their clothes to applause on <i>Dancing with the Stars</i>... I can confirm the fact that the same outcome does not happen in real life), but the remaining 1 minute and 20 seconds of tango was just alright. I'm starting to believe that Corky, even at his age, isn't well-suited for Ma Brady, as he seems intent on making every dance a joke. And Flo is no joke! Really, if she was paired with a better choreographer, I think she would be doing a little bit better. Even at old, Flo still has it... Greg Brady was ready to take her for a spin on the dancefloor while gazing into her eyes!</p>Some little girls wished Superman would fly down and take them away. As a little boy, I wished Samantha would fly me away.<!-- IE6 HACK --><!-- IE6 HACK --><p>Kurt Warner &amp; Anna Trebunskaya (24; <i>Dancing with the Stars</i> (when they came out, the well had run dry for people wearing tuxs/<i>Bewitched</i>): Finally, someone put a little theme into TV Theme Week, with Anna's nose-twitch activating Kurt from clodhopper to showstopper. And a nice clash of cultures ensued, with Anna having no idea what <i>Bewitched</i> was (Kurt's description: "The wife is a witch. She wiggles her nose and transforms different things on the show.") and Kurt learning a history lesson of the two Russian space dogs, Strelka and Belka (clash of cultures winner: U.S.A! U.S.A!). The couple continued the streak of their two previous competitors, scoring a season high for their Quickstep.</p><p>Audrina Patridge &amp; Tony Dovolani (23; <i>The Girls Next Door</i>/<i>The Hills</i>): Let's get this straight, a pre-existing song is not a theme song, it's just a song. And as I've never watched <i>The Hills </i>(I know, shocking), I had no idea that the show's "theme" was "Unwritten," so I'd say that I was in for a treat, but the couple's rumba was more like eating raw onions (a technique Richard Gere taught Tony; meaning my Six Degrees of Tony Dovolani is down to one(!!!), with the Syracuse-born Gere just a brother-from-another-mother of mine). Audrina, once again, showed little emotion in her dance, with Bruno commanding her to not "be plastic, be fantastic, because you can!" Ok, maybe some parts of her are plastic, as Carrie Ann noted from waist-up, there was little movement going on.</p>"I know Derek Hough. I've danced with Derek Hough. And you sir are no Derek Hough."<!-- IE6 HACK --><!-- IE6 HACK --><p>Kyle Massey &amp; Lacey Schwimmer (20; <i>The Love Boat</i>/<i>Charlie's Angels</i>): You don't need to read any farther to find out if I guessed any of the themes correctly; this was the closest I got, with even Tom Bergeron commenting that Kyle looked like Isaac, the bartender from <i>The Love Boat</i>. Yes, Lacey looked sizzling hot (picking up another Best Dressed Award... don't hate, appreciate), but I was ultimately angered by the judges, especially Len, who gave the couple a "5." It's TV Theme Week, and this was the one couple that actually blended their dance into the theme, instead of just letting their costume express the theme. Yes, they threw in the generic disco/hustle moves to their foxtrot, but it's <i>Charlie's Angels</i> (original, not the remake, with Lacey, Kym and Chelsie even striking the famous over-the-shoulder pose in rehearsals... heart, melt) and that did take place in the 70's Kevin Shattenkirk Jersey. They even brought out Charlie's intercom to announce the couple. Feathered hair, porn mustaches, and <i>Saturday Night Fever</i> moves?!? That says Theme Night to me! </p><p>Rick Fox &amp; Cheryl Burke (24; <i>CHiPs</i>/<i>Hill Street Blues</i>): Just like Carrie Ann, I would like to report a crime: no cop would ever wear a uniform emblazoned with sequins, unless they brought their own ghetto blaster to a bachelorette party or were hanging out with Kyle's Isaac in a 70's porno (only the facts, ma'am). And for what could be an over-the-top setup, a sexy foxtrot in a locker room, Cheryl really played it straight, which basically let Rick shine. And yes, after that, there is no way the women who watch <i>Dancing</i> will let Rick go this week, and with Kurt a definite "safe," the two athletes will continue their battle next week. (Oh, and this doesn't count as a close guess, as they were dressed as cops, and anything short of <i>Miami Vice</i> would've been close.)</p><p>Bristol Palin &amp; Mark Ballas (18; <i>Happy Days</i>/<i>The Monkees</i>): I'll admit, the minute I saw the couple dressed up in monkey suits (and not the tuxedo kind), I changed my guess to <i>Manimal</i>. And just like that early-1980s show, the less we talk about this dance, the better. It just wasn't good. The gorilla suit into clunky costume change only resulted in Bristol missing the steps in the first fourth of the dance, and she could never catch up after that. I'd agree with Len, who told the couple that he wished the two stayed in costume longer. I mean, dancing gorillas? What's not to love about that?!?</p>"No Ma'am!!!"<!-- IE6 HACK --><!-- IE6 HACK --><p>Jennifer Grey &amp; Derek Hough (25; <i>Leave it to Beaver</i>/<i>Married... with Children</i>): No ma'am! These iconic words (which I once uttered to a friend while talking about a game of "Never Have I Ever," though I hope I helped her to drink on other questions) are apt to describe the two's costumes during the couple's foxtrot Jaroslav Halak Jersey. No ma'am, Al Bundy would never wear a tie, and outfit, like that (thus earning Derek a Worst Dressed Award, which is ironic as he actually looked pretty dapper for <i>Dancing</i>... I mean, I'd wear what he was wearing). <i>Married... with Children</i> taught me many lessons, least of which was the importance of a well-placed ellipsis, but the couple played up their roles in rehearsals, with Derek's "rage" boiling over, leading him to (nearly) "explode all at once." Of course, Al Bundy would've just sat back down on his couch, positioned his hand in his pants, and watched some football. Because dancing? No ma'am!</p><p>Before I get to my voting and potential dancefloor stepper-offers, I already know what you've been wondering all throughout this post: "Kevin, if you were on <i>Dancing with the Stars</i>, and it was TV Theme Week, what theme would you be hoping for?" Well, first off, "if you were" should be a "when you are," but I see where you're going. The easy choice would be the theme from <i>Miami Vice</i>, one of the greatest TV theme songs ever (and along with the "Theme from <i>Hill Street Blues</i>", one of the very few TV theme songs that actually got radio play), but I never go the easy route. So let's see, a foxtrot set to <i>Beverly Hills, 90210</i>, with Cheryl playing Brenda to my Dylan McKay; a quickstep to the theme from <i>Alias</i> https://www.bluesfanstore.com, with Lacey playing my hair-color-changing costume-wearer; a tango to the theme from <i>Bosom Buddies</i>, with Tony's Hildegarde playing opposite to my Buffy (who's ready for a remake?!?); and speaking of Buffy, a paso doble to <i>Buffy the Vampire Slayer</i> (that would slay...), where I'd say I'd be Xander Harris (but as that's my son's middle name, named after this character, I just can't do that to him), I guess I'll have to go with Angel. Now if I could just find my blonde-haired high school crush to partner with. As for my votes, four went to Brandy &amp; Maks on the women's side, with four going to Kurt &amp; Anna on the women's side. As for the bottom two, I'll unfortunately have to place Kyle &amp; Lacey there with Bristol &amp; Mark. And even more unfortunately, I'm going to have to go with Kyle &amp; Lacey as the bootees, as their low scores this week have just been a trend for this couple, who have seen little improvement in technique or scores since week one. Please Lord Mirrorballus Patrik Berglund Jersey, spare them!</p><p></p>