So You Pooped Your Pants: 7 Steps to Cleaning Up

You just shat yourself - don't worry, we've all been there before.

Even though nobody is going to admit it, we've all been there. Maybe you're alone, in class, or on national television; maybe you thought there'd be enough time to run to the crapper; or maybe you deemed that fart “safe.” Unfortunately for you, your underpants (if you're wearing them), and those around you (if there are people around), you just shat yourself.

You may not need this guide right now, but you will later. So take note. Maybe even bookmark it. But listen and learn, people.

Step 1: Diagnose the Potential Shit

Uhoh, that's not a lumpy wallet… This is beyond important. Sometimes, a fart turns into a shit. Sometimes something that FEELS like a slimy turd is just a horrifically vile cloud of gas that SEEMS to be either solid or liquid. You need to be sure, because hopefully, this is a no-shit situation.

Some people claim to rub their buttcheeks together to check, but as I said before, sometimes a fart feels like a turd, and the other way around.

Whatever you do, don't stick your hand down the back of your trousers, feel around, then pull it out and sniff your fingers. If you do that and other people are around, it will only solidify their theory that you just crapped your pants. And if you didn't fill your shorts, your friends will think you're even weirder than they usually do.

Don't just go anywhere private, go to a bathroom. You might need easy access to water, paper, and a drain of some sort.

Now that you're alone, or at least out of public view, look at your pants, undies, and legs. If you see brown, green, or blackish streaks, you probably pooped your pants. (NOTE: Unless you are a person of color, this may not apply to you, so look extra carefully. Contrary to popular belief, it's not just white folks who get Montezuma's Revenge.)

If you've just farted but it felt like a poo, go ahead and try to force out a dump. You can never be sure. My poop rule is the same as my sex rule: “Better to be safe and boring than sorry and covered in shit.”

Step 2: Shit Show Shame

You can have your shame, just don't eat it too. Understandably, you feel embarrassed. Only babies, old people, Michael Moore, Internet trolls, and Jersey Shore cast members doodoo in their drawers. And now you're included in that list.

Curse yourself. Why the hell didn't you just go to the restroom when you felt your tummy go runny? Why did you have to eat all the goll dang fruit?

This is also a good time to blame other people. You're as socially liberal as the next guy, but FUCK those fucking immigrants in the fucking kitchen where you just fucking ate. You know they take big junker shits, but never fucking wash their filthy fucking hands. Hands that touch your food! That's so gross. It's definitely their fault.

Don't stop the blame game there. It's also your friend's fault for putting the Ex-Lax so close to your candy. As you know, people with bowel troubles often get confused as to what's a laxative and what's a delicious sweet. Granted, most of these self-shitting citizens are over the age of 75, but now that you share a common bond of pooping your person, you likely share early onset Alzheimer's.

Blame Cortez, the Spaniard who effed up Mexico a few hundred years ago. The world may never know how much diarrhea comes from Mexico, Mexican food, Mexican water, or Mexican cooks, but you can guess that's a result of Montezuma's Revenge, the same diarrhea curse you get from eating too much Taco Bell.

Step 3: Clean Up Your Mess

Now that you're finished shaming yourself, take off your soiled underroos. Actually, if you still want to shame yourself, go ahead. I mean, who the fuck craps their pants? Gross!

Generally, I've, um, heard that most people who, um, shit themselves wipe a bunch of times. However, lately, I've just been jumping straight into the shower. (Oh shit! Did I really just type an admission of guilt? It's okay, most respectable fans quit reading a while ago.)

You want to make sure to remove all feces from your body. Not only does poop smell bad and contain unhealthy stuff like bacteria, viruses, and corn, but allegedly it makes your penis smaller. Or maybe that's something I've noticed the past few times. Anywho, a good scrub down WITH SOAP is in order.

Step 4(a): Decision Time

Some people zip past this stage, others take their time. I prefer to use a case-by-case basis. You've got big questions to ask yourself, starting with, “Should I throw out these underwear or not?”

First, how bad is the massacre in your unmentionables? It may surprise you, but if you crap out a hard log of a dump, that might make the cleanup and decision to keep your undies an easy one. Logs are usually pretty damn solid. On the other hand, a soupy poopy totally fucks shit up. From your undies, to your pants, even to your legs.

Next, it's time to do some ask yourself some serious, soul searching questions. Are they whitey tighties? Did your mom buy them? Did your girlfriend buy them? Are they your last pair? Do these Hanes have sentimental value?

If you're still confused and heartwrenched, check my answers to the above questions: toss ‘em (really hard to get brown out of white, even with extra-strength bleach); toss ‘em (sorry, Mom); toss ‘em if she's an ex-girlfriend or she sucks, keep ‘em if she's really hot or psychotic enough to monitor your underwear usage; keep ‘em; and keep ‘em (sentimental value of underpants keeps the world going ‘round).

NOTE! If the underwear was shitty before you shit them, go ahead and toss ‘em. That's my rule of thumb.

Step 4(b): Decision Time for Females

JUST A WEDGIE, NOTHING TO SEE HERE. Female readers may be wondering, “Hmm, the glorious KC Freeman didn't say anything about if I, a woman, brown myself.” That's true, but as everybody knows, girls don't poop, so there's no logical reason to believe they could actually poop themselves. I hope I cleared that up.

Step 5: Follow-Up Questions

Now you need to find out WHY you shit your pants, and HOW you can avoid this tragedy yet again. Because if we don't learn from our messy, poop-related mistakes, we're bound to make them again. And let me tell you, that's a lesson best learned once—one which saves you from buying underwear all the time.

You really want to avoid crapping yourself (again). So let's look at what causes diarrhea. We've already talked about Mexican food, but did you know that almost any food from any minority can cause the Hershey squirts? The poopoo doodoos can come from Indian, Chinese, Thai, Latin, White Castle, Greek, Jamaican, probably African food, and sushi (wherever that comes from).

You may already know this, but homosexual food can also give you the screaming eagles. It's true. Gays wipe their butt-butts with their hands, and only wash their hands if they think they're going to touch something they eat. So if a gay man has touched your food, you're going to get diarrhea as well as the AIDS! It's okay. Just do what I do whenever a homo is near me, food-related or otherwise: pop three Immodium A-D (for the poops) and go to Planned Parenthood for a morning-after pill (for the AIDS). You'll be just fine.

Step 6: Excuses, Excuses

You've finally de-shitted yourself. Now you need to come up with a great reason why you promptly left your girlfriend's mother's funeral, your class, your office job, or your dentist appointment.

Honestly is NOT the best policy. Under pain of death, never reveal your horrible truth to another human. You can tell your dog or fish; they can keep secrets. Do not tell your cat, though. Cats are known to tell the first person they see that you cannot control your sphincter.

The bigger the lie, the easier the sell. Tell the people around you that your brother or uncle called. They're in fucking space. At the Mir space station. On a top secret superspy mission. And they needed your help. That will cover all your bases and make you seem extra-super-cool instead of extra-super-lame if they ever found out that you poop on yourself, not in a toilet.

Another pants-shitting excuse I've been waiting to use goes like this: “I saw that there's a gay person at this party/office/school/restaurant. Whenever I know a gay is near me, I masturbate furiously. That way, no matter how pretty his eyes are, since I've just ejaculated, I won't get another erection for at least two more weeks.” If you use that one before me, tell me how it goes.

Step 7: Re-ASSimilation into Society

You're probably still weirded out that you crapped while standing. It's okay, it happens to the best of us. Even Obama, Babe Ruth, Ted Koppel, Kanye, Kenny Rogers, Barbara Streisand and “The Macho Man” Randy Savage all pooped their pants at one time or another. You're going to be alright.

Never tell anyone. Watch some CSI: Miami. This should give you ideas on how to clean your apartment so that no matter what, the evidence that your butthole disagrees with you will never be seen, even by those cool blacklights.

Eat lots of cheese. I heard on the news that cheese makes your poops more solid. Solid poop is easier to control. Especially if you're trying to throw it at somebody (but that's another article).

Avoid the place where you contracted the shitscreams. It sounds easy enough, but you'd be amazed how many times I end up back at IHOP. Silly me.

Forgiveness: only you can forgive you. The next time you defecate in an actual toilet, DO NOT FLUSH! Turn around, stand up, and say a few words to your dung. I'm fond of something like, “You see, Poop, with the help of the Lord, self-mutilation, and anus-crunches (yet, another article) I defeated you. You, Poop, are my enemy. And I hate you. Now, you are where you belong—in my toilet, and not in my pants. Farewell, and I'll be sending more of your friends and family to meet you. In the toilet. Not in my pants. I'm over the stage in my life when I poop my pants. That last time, was the last time. For reals. So, fuck you, Poop. Go ruin somebody else's day. Goodbye.”

Step X (Optional): If It Won't Stop Happening

Sometimes, all the care in the world won't stop you from crapping yourself. In that case, you can buy those adult diapers. They work really well and are fashionable and comfortable to boot. Plus, you can wash them after you poop in them, kind of like underwear.

So, good luck to you all. Make sure you email this guide to anybody you think has shit themselves or will shit themselves in the future. Use this article as a finger to the nose and show that person, “I'm so much better than you. I don't poop my pants like you do.”

ENDNOTE 1: Or you can do what I did: print this article and put it into the backpack of every dude with a hot girlfriend. Then text, Facebook, or tell the girlfriend, “Your boyfriend was walking weird. Do you think he's into guy-on-guy anal, or did he shit himself?” Then point to this very article and convince her to dump him for you.

ENDNOTE 2: If you do this endnote thing, make sure you use a scissors and cut off the endnote part. You don't want the girl to know that you've framed her boyfriend. Or for the boyfriend to discover your evil plot.

ENDNOTE 3: I've since reread this piece, and realized that it may come across like I've actually crapped my pants past the age of 17 (like normal people), but that's simply not true. I've never pooped my butt. Ever.

43 Comments

I just had my worst of these experiences - and am still having it! I'm out in London today from North Essex. I thought I'd make it to a bar and it's toilets. I did make it into the stall but poo started filling my underwear and sliding down my leg and boot. It was soft! I ditched my t-shirt to the floor. I wiped my bum numerous times with wet wipes I had in my bag. I put them on the t-shirt. I took off my vest to wipe my leg. I wiped my leg more. I wiped my hands with more wet wipes. Then I saw a bit of poo in my bag! I cleared that. My trousers were caked in poo on the inside. I had to put them back on! There are my fav jeans but I'll ditch them later. My boots and socks will get ditched later, too. I threw all the stuff away - t-shirt, vest and wipes in a bin when I was sure no one was outside. I had a spare shirt in my bag so I'd put that on. I washed my hands. I was then 5 hours away from my train time home. I couldn't go into any bars or cafes bc I smelled! I headed back via the tube to the mainline station. Here I am smelling! Bing the one who smells is horrible. I am smelling bad here There's even some on the outside of my trousers. I'm lucky it's winter and dark. I've still two hours to wait. I'm sitting on newspaper wherever I go out of courtesy. I've stunkthe waiting room out... I'll change locations... I've more newspaper to sit on in the train home. I have an advanced ticked so I must wait for a specific train. Nightmare! I'll stink the train out later! Has anyone had worse than this?

This is racist and sexist the person who made this article should go to hell and is a terrible person because I'm a girl and I'm black and girls aren't robots that just leak oil we fart burp poop and I'm pretty sure some of us have shit ourselves before so yeah think twice before you post something on the Internet

Planned Parenthood for a 'morning-after' pill for AIDS...really? Where were you educated?

How about 'homosexual food'? What in the world is that--what are you talking about? The first paragraph was 'okay', if that is the proper word to describe this drivel. I was falling asleep, barely awake while reading this miserable slop. Btw, the rest of this hogwash was a pile of excrement.

Talking s____ is one thing; spreading ignorance and prejudice (especially while trying to make money and/ or entertain others) is wrong.

This is toilet humor of the lowest kind, and it's not funny. Go back to school; a little education goes a long way.

'Educated in Colorado'...? Not sure what area of backwoods was the location of your school...