Simon Cowell To Have Baby With Buddy’s Wife

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Simon Cowell, the meanest man in Hollywood, is on the track to fatherhood. And who has the 53-year-old Englishman knocked up? None other than 36-year-old Lauren Silverman, adored New York City socialite, beloved wife of Cowell’s old chap, Andrew Silverman. That’s right, folks. Cowell’s not only an asshole to talentless teenagers who dream of stardom, but also to his own friends, whose wives he believes to be his for the, uh, taking.

A source tells Us Weekly:

“Lauren and Andrew have been unhappy in their marriage for some time, and their divorce has been in the works for a while.”

How fortuitous that Cowell was able to step in, take away Lauren’s pain via penetration, while simultaneously taking her off his buddy’s hands. That’s a quality pal, you guys.

Silverman is said to be ten weeks along, meaning it’s too early to determine the sex of the baby, but Simon says he’d like a girl. This doesn’t surprise me in the least. I have a sixth sense that allows me both to figure out whether or not a guy wants a daughter, and also what sport he played in high school. Simon Cowell just seems like he’d father a baby girl. It’s like he’s been such an asshole his whole life all because karma wanted to counteract how big a pussy he’d become some day in regards to his daughter. Plus, I think Cowell would really enjoy terrifying all future potential suitors with…himself. Poor girl. Maybe.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

“How fortuitous that Cowell was able to step in, take away Lauren’s pain via penetration, while simultaneously taking her off his buddy’s hands. That’s a quality pal, you guys.”…I laughed. Oh and that chick Lauren is quite the slut.