Assuming that I'm a super special one-of-a-kind sort of girl, most squirt themselves stupid in excitement about being able to decorate their dorm room from scratch. Posters? Curtains? Obnoxiously bright comforters with a million printed photos on the wall next to the bed? Like, ohmygawdguys I'm really in college! Go ahead and walk through a million of these rooms and the majority of them will look mostly the same, meaning bright colors and crap from Target strewn everywhere. There's a couple key elements, however, that really define sexual potential.

For starters, anything that doesn't belong in a dorm room is basically a sign that she's either a stage five clinger or will end up being one of the crazy ones, and I don't mean in bed. By “doesn't belong in a dorm room”, I mean stuff that's too expensive to be wasted sitting in one. A comforter from Ralph Lauren retailed at $499.99? A steamer for getting the wrinkles out of clothes? A Keurig? It's college, everyone's clothes are wrinkled because no one actually waits around for their laundry to be done, they just let it sit in the dryer until they realize that unless they go get it, they won't have any pants to wear tomorrow. As for everything else, it's a fucking dorm room. You're probably going to barf on your sheets at least once this year, why in the sake of all fucking fuck did you blow $500 on a comforter with ponies all over it? The whole setup reeks of “My parents loved me with their credit cards and now they're not here to do it and wait what do I do when I omg wait I'm out of coffee where's Starbucks wait wait what?” Any bit of attention you throw at them will be interpreted as “I'm marrying THAT one right there!”

Of course, there's also the opposite end of the spectrum where she put 0 effort into decorating anything. If you walked into the room before she moved in, as well as afterward, you wouldn't be able to see a difference. In this case, run. Run for your life. She has a penis and will use it on you. In fact, don't even let her see you, and if she does, pretend you're going through an identity crisis and spontaneously slip into a mindset where you believe you're a farm animal and just start going “Moo” throughout the halls of your dorm. Is that weird? Yeah, but would you rather wake up to her dick in your face? Probably not. Despite what any girl says, she does put at least some sort of moderate effort into decorating her room, and if she doesn't then she's a boy. It's that simple. The same also almost applies to if her room is decorated, but has no carpet. What kind of idiot paints the walls in the house but never installs a floor? It doesn't matter what kind of carpet it is, it can be five carpet squares taped together in a corner or twelve sheets of Bounty glued to the floor, if there's no carpet and only wall decorations she's trying to hide her masculinity. Miserably, but still trying.

Speaking of wall decorations, let's dive into those. There's typically two types that girls use, posters and a giant collage of pictures of her friends that she printed out from Facebook. Poster girls are 100% superior to FB Photo girls. For one thing, most of the pictures she printed off of her profile are probably just random. Yeah she's in them, and yeah the people in them are her friends, but go and look at your tagged photos right now. How many of those would you want taped to your wall? Maybe like, 10 tops? Well she's got around 100, not including the ones she's stuck into picture frames. It's not that she's all “Friendship yay glitter ponies!” or anything, it's that she feels the need to overcompensate and tell the world “GUYS I HAVE FRIENDS I'M NOT KIDDING LOOK RIGHT AT THESE PICTURES THERE'S ME WITH OTHER PEOPLE WE'RE TOGETHER BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS”. It is highly unsurprising, in this case, that this is another sign that you shouldn't stick your dick in this girl because she's clearly needy and can't handle the separation from her besties for resties.

Wait, what about poster girl? Well gents and gents, we've finally come across a winner. Realizing “Oh wait, shit! I'm supposed to decorate my walls too?? Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck they're so fucking blank FUCK WHAT DO I DO”, a quick trip to the poster sale that every campus has for young freshman males seeking giant blowups of scantily clad women in swimsuits or just good ole' posters of butts on butts on butts. The most important part of going to college is not “What color scheme will I use in my room?”, but more along the lines of anything else that comes into your head. Like eating, classes, whether your roommate is a steaming pile of pigeon shit, stuff like that. Poster girl was thinking about all that stuff rather than “Does this shade of blue really express me as a person?”, which is the kind of person you want around. Level headed, reasonable, and not a fluffy twat. Date this girl, she's a winner and doesn't have a weiner.

About Rebecca Martinson...
Rebecca Martinson is a recent graduate from the University of Maryland who is notoriously known throughout the Internet for being really, really adequate at writing emails. She joined BroBible right after graduating in the Spring of 2014 and doesn't hate it...yet.