Starring Grizzy and Sophie

The past couple years have been pretty crazy as far as work goes. I was at a job I loved, then a massive, ongoing reorg started. The culture and workflow completely changed, which was very sad. Those who didn’t get laid off left. (Literally, two people from my department are still there, and we started with over 20.) I was promoted to a different area and the reorg (and a mass exodus) happened again. I started on a team of four. We were supposed to grow to six, but when I resigned, I was the only person left standing.

When I looked around and saw I was the only person left on the team, and I heard the whispers of “job elimination,” I began looking for something more secure. I took an opportunity that looked really promising, but is almost a complete 180 from what I was told I’d be doing. There’s also that culture of fear and finger-pointing. It’s been a really frustrating, upsetting situation.

Suffice to say, my confidence is shot. I’m currently employed, thank goodness, but I don’t know where to go. It’s weird, because I’m part of Toastmasters and I can run a meeting, delegate duties, train people, form committees, give speeches off the cuff, talk to groups of 100+ people, no problem. I’m very confident in that respect. I know I’m good at it.

I also have done quite a bit of helping people rewrite resumes and cover letters, and I’ve done random writing/editing freelance work, so I know I’m good at that, too.

I guess I feel like I’ve always hustled but I never really got anywhere. Grad school was a good experience overall, I learned a lot, but I’m not really doing anything with it. The past couple jobs I feel like I’ve really kicked arse and in both my supervisors encouraged me to move to a senior or lead position but then the reorg came and leadership hired their friends, like besties from college, regardless of abilities (true story), so as they say on Project Runway “you’re in or you’re out.”

And by saying I hustled and never got anywhere, I don’t mean I aspire to be an executive, because I don’t want that. Being a lead or a senior, that I would like. But more than anything else, I want a job where I can actually use the skills I’ve learned. A job where I can go and think “This isn’t too bad” and not have to worry about “Who will get the ax this week?” It’s upsetting because I really, really loved my last job. I knew I was good at it. The politics that took over, and the worrying about who would get “right-sized”…it still upsets me.

It also ticks me off because I hate feeling flighty. Overall, I don’t think I am. I’ve lived in the same place for several years. I’ve been part of the same groups for several years. I’ve been in the same career field for my entire career. Jobs have changed, yes, but it was never “Oh, I don’t like what I’m doing. I’ll see what else is out there.” It was “OMG reorg! It looks like I might lose my job so I will look like a madwoman.” In many ways I am a steady eddy. Which is why I am so stressed out lately. I want to find a job/career where I think “This. I can stay here until I retire. I don’t have to worry too much about layoffs, the people here are pretty OK for the most part, this is pretty decent overall.”

I know I can find it, but it’s tough when your confidence is shot and you’re terrified of making a wrong move.

Have you ever lost your confidence? Have you ever been scared of making a decision for fear of making the wrong one? Have any of you ever been at a career crossroads? I would love to hear your input.

As I started typing this I thought “I should have bought this and put it on Etsy and alled it ‘vintage’ and see who would pay for it.” A quick search pulled up cameras ranging from $25-33, all labeled “vintage.” It still makes me giggle because I remember using one of these 110 cameras. Am I old enough that something I used in my lifetime is now vintage?

This seemed to be in good condition. I even tested that little thing you pushed to advance the film. It made that satisfying “scritch, scritch, scritch” sound. 🙂 Do you remember when the 110s went reeeally tiny? Where they were about 3-4 inches and basically covered the film cartridge? You could easily stash them in your pocket. I think they used to come in cereal boxes as a cheapie giveaway. Oh, how the times have changed.

It was so easy to pop in a cartridge and snap away…

Looking at these cameras does bring up great memories, though. I think of trips to Six Flags amusement parks, sleepovers and grade-school parties, and just random point-and-shoot moments. I loved going to Walgreens or F&M or wherever you got you pictures developed. The wait was more exciting than annoying, because you were so curious to see if the pictures turned out. What memories would be captured and then put into photo albums as a keepsake. (Photo albums…how many people use those these days?)

I do enjoy the instant gratification of digital cameras, but there is something cool and fun and easier, I guess, about the days of 110 cameras and developing the pictures. Life moved slower then and sometimes I miss it. Funny how a thrift shop find can bring up such good memories.

The cats enjoy hanging out in the hallway and I don’t mind letting them out there supervised. The neighbors seem to be OK with it, too. (YAY!)

Sometimes we find some interesting things out there, though. Like a pair of socks. They were clean, so I imagine they fell out of someone’s laundry basket…and put them on the window ledge. Sophie found one of them and had to inspect it.

New smells!

Thank you on your kind words about my grandma Bubba. I appreciate them all. It’s been a lot tougher than I expected. Not that you can ever really prepare for someone’s passing, but this has been especially tough. Some seasons of life you just want your family around, you know? But I do feel her presence and I am so thankful for the memories. And as one of my aunts said, “Frank [Grandpa] has been waiting long time. Now they’re together.” 🙂

It’s been a while since I posted anything of substance, so how ’bout a catch-up post?

The last month has been one thing after another, to put it bluntly. Work stuff, Toastmasters stuff, life stuff, being sick for the past week…but the one that affected me most was my grandma, Bubba, passing away.

Bubba passed away two weeks ago today. She was 99 and would have been 100 on April 3. It was very peaceful. Up until the very last week she was her spry, witty, spitfire self. I saw her on Monday and I could tell her body was simply wearing out. I wanted to go again but Toastmasters stuff ate up a few days (I’m still kicking myself about that. I will also be honest with anyone who asks and say President is a HUGE responsibility so it’s not “a breeze” like people told me). Anyhow, I saw Bubba on Monday and when I saw her again on Friday she was in her bed, not in her chair, and in a deep sleep. My aunt was crying and said on Thursday things changed and that day (Friday), she hadn’t been awake at all. Bubba was very strong, independent, and knew her mind. I think she decided she was ready to go and that was that. On Saturday she passed away peacefully with my mom, sister, and me in the room.

…wow. That was hard to write. I miss her so much.

The funeral was last Friday and Saturday. It was really nice. Bubba really liked the pastor at the home where she lived (it was a larger place with a rehab floor, an assisted living floor, a full-out nuring home floor, etc.). He said he would walk down the hall and inevitably he would hear Bubba call out “Chaplain!” as he walked by. He knew then he would settle in not to much to talk to, but to be talked to by Bubba. 🙂 She would ask him questions about his sermon and give suggestions for what she would have done. I literally laughed out loud when he recalled her saying, “Remember, I’m listening to you, even if no one else is.”

It makes me smile even now because that is so Bubba. I told my sister she probably wanted him to know just because he’s at a nursing home, he can’t phone it in on Sundays. He needs to earn his pay. LOL

Bubba was a really cool lady. I’m sure I get my love of cats from her. I remember visiting her when I was a kid and being so excited because there were always one or two or three cats at her house. She also fed the strays outside. I remember being so excited the first time one of her cats chose to curl up in my lap. This was a big deal for a five or six year-old kid! After that first time, I would sit patiently on a chair hoping one of the cats to see my lap and decide it was time to take a snooze.

Bubba always had such a good attitude. When I asked her about growing up during the Depression, she seemed a bit surprised at my reaction. “Everyone was poor!” she said, with genuine surprise. “Everyone was the same, so it really wasn’t such a big deal.” She recalled men coming up to the house occasionally, looking for work, and her mom always made them a sandwich. Isn’t that what life is about? Appreciating what you have, sharing what extra you have with people who have even less, and building that community?

There are other stories I could share, but right now the two big things I’m feeling is 1) missing her, and 2) committed to adapting her attitude. I stress way too much. This past month has brought a lot of pretty stressful things (hence my sporadic blogging), and I know I’ll probably always stress a bit, but I know I can also not stress as much. Life is too good, and too short, to spend the majority of it freaking out about something.

Unless it’s cats; I don’t mind freaking out and squeeing over kittehs. 🙂

I found this a while back and never got around to posting it. (There are just so many good finds at thrift stores!) This has to be one of the more interesting finds. All I have to say is someone must really like corn flakes. Or Japanese/American culture?

Awesome! A framed cereal box!

That giant cob o’ corn sitting between mom and child is somewhat disturbing. Check it out, it’s almost like it’s shedding it’s kernels for the family. I also get a kick out of the instructions on the side. First, pour flakes into bowl. Then, add lemonade or yellow-ish milk. Next, throw in a spoon. Finally, enjoy!

A fair price, indeed.

The price seems fair, but it makes me think someone must have paid at least double that to frame this…cereal box. Guess it made someone happy! 🙂