Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Let's get specious!

Hey look everybody! Dr. Patrick Johnston, a pro-life activist and the Director of Personhood Ohio has solved the riddle of gayness, and the answer is boobs. Yes, boobs.

"Wait, boobs? You sure about that?"

-Some gay guys

"I don't know, boobs sound right..."

-These lesbians

"Damn you Specious Reasoning! This is not over, you hear me? This is not over!"

-Science

Yeah, move over scientific consensus that sexuality is determined by a complex combination of genetic factors and early life experience, Dr. Johnston knows the score:"The gay pride parade in Columbus is 500,000 strong - why? Because the women go topless. San Francisco and Chicago isn't that sick!"

-Dr. Patrick Jonhs-wait, Doctor?

Like, a medical doctor? Really?

"Dude, gravity! What the fuck?"

-Sir Isaac Newton

Johnston wasn't the first to notice that gay people exist, but he was the first to make the connection between gay people and boobs. In much the same way that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head, Johnston's eureka moment came when dancers from a nearby strip club picketed his church topless. Certain that God would be offended by the women's reckless flaunting of the breasts He gave them, Johnston launched a one-man crusade against public nudity in Ohio. But why would topless women want to protest a church in the first place? Welp, it turns out that members of Dr. Johnston's church have been protesting the club, The Foxhole (gross), for years:

Literally ones of Ohioans rushed to their phones to register their outrage at tits.

"Please call or Email your state senator and state rep. (Musk & Cosh. counties, Ohio) to urge them to ban public nudity (women exposing their breasts to married men and children against their will). That's how nude women protested our church on Sunday in response to our church's evangelistic outreach in front of their strip local strip club [sic]. "

-Dr. Johnston in a statement on-yeah,

I still can't believe this guy is a real doctor

Critics are quick to point out that what Johnston is working himself into a rabid lather over would also make it illegal for women to breastfeed their children in public, so in many ways Dr. Johnston hates babies.

Pictured: Babies, the objects of Dr. Johnston's scorn.

Uh, maybe I missed the part where God
told Johnston to harass the local strip club...

But seething baby-hatred aside, I think Dr. Johnston's problem has to do with moral relativism; the idea that different people may have different values and perspectives. An idea that Dr. Johnston thinks is bullshit. He talks all about this on his blog. Yes, he has a blog too. Also, he's a novelist, but more on that in a mo. Johnston insists that there are absolute rights and absolute wrongs and the Bible will tell you which is which. And that's totally cool, I guess, like if that's your thing, but the difficulty arises when you try and lay your religious baggage on others. That's when the tits come out.

"I don't get it: I'm bludgeoning them to death with my mace and by extension, God's love. So why won't they convert?"

Like, ofcourse the dancers don't feel that giggling their breasts at paying customers is a moral failing. It's their job. No amount of evangelical outreach is going to change that. Like seriously Christians, you can't just keep shrieking 'Jesus!' at everyone you disagree with and then wonder why nobody likes you. It didn't work during the Crusades and it's not going to work against The Foxhole (gross)and yes, I am totally going to keep bringing up the Crusades. It was a tremendously dick move and a lot of the world's problems can be traced back to it.

Anyway, you're probably wondering what all this has to do with gay people. The answer, of course is, nothing. Johnston was just conflating gay people with topless people because he's angry that both exist. In fact, I think he's just an angry person.

Above: An clenched fist, not unlike the one I assume Dr. Patrick Johnston shakes angrily skyward every morning before kicking a puppy and then grumbling about gay people.

Remember how I mentioned that he's also a novelist? No? Well I did, stay with me. So he's the author of The Revolt of 2020.Check it out here, and then go shower. Spoiler alert: it's about a christian who must stand up to the tyrannical, pro-choice American government of 2020 which wants to take away his guns, raise his taxes and pass hate-crime legislation that will make religion illegal. Yup, this is the kind of thing that keeps Dr. Patrick Johnston awake at night.