Friday, June 26, 2015

When i'm stressed, I run around with my head cut off. Traffic feels like it's going to last forever. My breathing feels shallower. My memory blurs. And the agony of the situation never seems to end.

And then I come talk to you for 5 minutes. And it ends up taking 2 hours because I can't get enough of the words that fall from your brain. They hit my heart with solid momentum and send my heart reeling. I spend the next week re-thinking my life goals.

I've had a few thoughts lately. Mostly to do with the realization that I enjoy a little bit of pain.....and some other RM reflections:

I was thinking the other day that I love vegetables. So I bought a massive red cabbage and thought how putrid this must look to the rest of the preservative-stuffed-college population. And then I realized that I don't ACTUALLY like vegetables. But I LOVE balsamic vinaigrette. And that makes ALL vegetables taste good. Same thing happened with mexican food and hot sauce. And also I used to love tortilla chips and now I only crave the salt and vinegar kind.

Is it horrible for me to be coating my stomach lining with vinegar and spiciness?…..probably. Is it better for me then ramen? ….possibly. Have I, somewhere along the last year and a half, gotten my body to appreciate the good things in life even though they are slightly tainted by pain? …seems like it.

I don't really listen to music. Only when my best friends are singing it. I also really enjoy reading...but not romantic or non-fiction. I don't even really like classics unless I know what going on in their world first. I like history. Because people are fascinating. Except not politicians.

I've also recently noticed that I don't really enjoy a lot of things unless I'm doing them with the people I love.

Ok so really I just like relationships. And learning about how to better them. That's kind of it.

And that kind of scares me.

Because I feel like society says that I should have hobbies other than people.

But is there anything better then listening to someone talk and being completely captivated by what they say? Or watching someone do dishes and thinking to yourself how fantastic of a human being they are?

Being a psych major and an RM: all this work for one title. But honestly, that is all I have right now: 5 years of studying people.

And I love it.

But if you'll allow me to be really frank, here: it's been super painful too. I still have to catch myself sometimes when I start thinking that I have things to prove to people. I still have to stop myself sometimes from walking down the miserable attitude path.

But if I have learned anything from my mission, it's that I have immense power to change my life. That if I take the spiciness for what it's worth, the end result will be glorious.

It all just depends on how you look at it.

So I guess this is a long way to say i appreciate you, filtered through many Chloé neurons. I am glad to have you in my life, Nat. Thank you for being who you are, because it inspires me to be who I am...or at least strive to be who I want to.