As most of you all know, I’m in the process of writing a book about PTSD, but it’s proving to be much more of a challenge than I thought.

It’s a really hard thing to do ...writing a book about yourself and how you’re dealing with a mental illness. It's absolutely gut wrenching to spill it out onto paper but a lot of healing comes about when you finally face your internal fears.

I completed my manuscript the end of July, 2016 and set out to find an editor. I had been approached by a couple of editors on twitter and decided to do some research and see if one of them would suit my needs.

I was looking for someone that would check for spelling and grammatical errors, and who could help me do some structural work. I wanted it to be publisher ready when I got it back.

I looked back through my DM’s on twitter, found the editors that had approached me and started some research. I read through their websites, researched the authors these particular editors had helped out, and decided on someone.

It was quite a lengthy process and it took about a week to find someone, but I did and I was so excited! I sent samples of my writing and the editor said that they really liked what they read. They also told me it was so raw and honest, but that it needed their thorough edit and critique combo. They recommended that particular package because they said my manuscript was overwritten and needed some trimming.

I agreed, sent them the full manuscript and half of the cost; which was $1000.00 usd ($1328.00 cdn). The editor had told me it would take seven weeks to complete. They would do the first edit, send it back to me so I could answer some questions, and then it would be returned at the end of the seven weeks “publisher ready.”

I could barely contain the exhilaration I felt and it was so hard to wait almost two months, but I did. In fact I waited quite a bit longer...

September 4, 2016 I received an email request for the final payment of $1000.00 usd ($1328.00 cdn) plus a copy of my manuscript for the first review. There were quite a few questions, and a small mix up on their end, but they had it back in their hands by September 14, 2016; just over two weeks before the final manuscript was promised to be ready.

One day after I was supposed to have the finished product in my hands, I got an email telling me that my book was going to be over two weeks late. There wasn’t much I could do and so I told myself the extra two weeks will make it that much better.

On October 15, I got my manuscript. I was so excited but terrified to open it, so I got Gary to read it for me. He didn’t get past the first page before finding an error, but when he told me he’d found an error I thought he was just teasing me ...but then he told me he found another ...and then another.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I was so disappointed that I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. I had paid almost $3000.00 cdn; money that I really didn’t have and I wasn’t any closer to getting my book published than I was almost two months prior.

I finally mustered up the courage to call the editor but there’s no answer, so I sent an email. The response I got was that they were away until October 28th, 2016 and that they’d have a look at my manuscript then.

I was flabbergasted and responded with the fact my publisher was hounding me for the manuscript. The reply I got back was that I might want to find another publisher because the right publisher wouldn’t rush a manuscript.

Like I said - flabbergasted - especially when they told me that somehow they didn’t save the changes on my manuscript and I wouldn’t be getting it back until the end of November - two months after it was promised to me!

The end of November arrived and so did my manuscript, but to my disappointment I found a grammatical error on the third page and it was this: “I want to share how it with you.” I kept reading and found another grammatical error: the word plays instead of the word played. Then I found another sentence with another grammatical error:”...but they told me it I could either go to...”

Needless to say, my book isn’t ready and I have to tell you there’s a part of me that feels like giving up. It’s taken me so long to get to this point and I don’t have much faith in this editor. I also don’t have the money to send it to another one.

As you know, I don’t need this kind of STRESS!!! I’m already up to my friggin’ eyeballs in stress and this could set the healing of my CSR way behind. I just want to curl up in a ball and sob. I feel so dejected and defeated and I’m just not sure how to move forward.

; I'm Still Here!

; I'm Still Here, is a guide to living with and surviving PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. It is a true story written by a survivor describing the symptoms, triggers and treatments that are currently available.

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