Friday, October 01, 2010

That's right. We've got the very first scoop on Nintendo's next gen system, currently in development at Pee-wee's Playhouse in Kyoto, Japan. Earlier today I spoke with our resident ninja, Chef Boyardee-X, who slept with Cammie Dunaway and then snuck into Nintendo of Japan's offices while she was peeing on a pregnancy test thingy and swiped top secret trapper keepers related to the next Nintendo console, codenamed Chopsticks.

First of all, and most importantly, I can confirm that, yes, Chopsticks will use CDs instead of cartridges. That's right, you heard it here first. Chopsticks will be Nintendo's first ever 3D home console. No grasses! Chopsticks will have a new and improved magical pointy fairy wand, which will be made out of genuine licensed Nerf material. Nintendo will be teaming up with Nerf for a joint crossover marketing venture.

Chopsticks will introduce a revolutionary new battery solution for video game controllers. However Nintendo will be sued shortly after launch and existing controllers will be pulled from store shelves and replaced with controllers that use standard AA batteries. Nintendo will then counter sue for back taxes and child support.

Chopsticks will be the most powerful system of the next generation. In fact, Chopsticks games will feature live actors and full motion video, something never before done in gaming ever. This latest NintendovationTM will be copied by Sony and Nintendo will sue. Sony will then counter sue for back taxes and child support.

Nintendo's dream of connectivity with handhelds will become a true reality with Chopsticks. The next iteration of the DS, 3DS (pictured) will be seamlessly integrated with Chopsticks. You will have the ability to play Chopsticks Virtual Console games on your 3DS, and vice versa, although your Chopsticks console and 3DS will be permanently tied to each another. You will only be able to store three games at a time and they will disappear after 30 seconds (approximately) of transferring them. Chopsticks will make history by being the first Nintendo system to offer downloadable episodes of The Golden Girls and Designing Women.

As for backwards compatibility, all GameCube and Wii games will be playable on Chopsticks. However, there will be no GameCube controller ports on Chopsticks. A new line of controllers modeled after the NES, SNES, TurboGrafx-16, Genesis, Nintendo 64, GameCube, etc. will be released, however they will be purchasable only through the Japanese Chopsticks shop. Also you need to have a Japanese Chopsticks to buy them. Chopsticks will be region-locked so you have to buy one Chopsticks console for each region.

Chopsticks will be the first Nintendo system since the Nintendo 64 to launch with Mario: the combo package Super Mario Universe/Duck Hunt: Liberation will come packed in with the system along with a light gun, a headset, and a new version of the Robotic Operating Buddy. Having been developed at NASA over the course of 15 years, R.O.B.2 will have the ability to hover through the air, vacuum your house, and pleasure you sexually.

Screenshot of Nintendo's first ever FMV game, Super Mario Universe

The prototype R.O.B.2, currently in development at NASA

The Chopsticks Zapper

A headset peripheral will come packed in with Chopsticks

Chopsticks will have a card scanner on the system, much like the one pictured here, for scanning credit cards, points cards, Pokemon cards, and the Carl Yastrzemski baseball card from 1973, when he had big sideburns

Anticipation has been confirmed for the Chopsticks Virtual Console

Floor Vision will make its debut on Chopsticks. A video demonstration can be seen here: