1: Angry Sports Supporter

Usually male. Usually thick. Although somehow knows his team on a first name basis and will comment accordingly: “Ah no way Rio what are ya at!?”, or “Jaysus Didier c’mon”. He will use words like “us” and “we” as if to say that he is actually a respected and admired part of the clubs set up, when in reality no one in the club knows he exists, ever will know or actually cares. Angry Sports Supporter uses sports as a way to repress the thoughts and feelings of living a wasted life watching people he doesn’t know play on grass while they trick him into giving them his money and time.

2: Emotional Wreck

Usually female.

She uses her profile as an intimate personal diary and will post updates about, “You think you know some people and then they go and be all like behind your back and all”, “So stressed right now, don’t know what to do”.

As if these updates weren’t bad enough, they are usually followed by a hoard of comments from friends showing annoying support.

“Ya ok bbz?!”

“Everythin alri Hun?!”

Little do these well meaning friends realise that they are reinforcing the Emotional Wreck’s destructive habits by showing attention to the problem and conditioning the wreck to think, “the only way I get love and affection is by being a pleb. Thus, continue to be a pleb”.

We all have to suffer.

3: Self Proclaimed Model

These are also usually female. Self proclaimed models will go out and spend a couple of hundred euro on a photo shoot, make sure the pictures are in black and white and then upload and album entitled “Photoshoot June 2011”.

They will use the generic “am I upset/confused/about to cry/sulking face” in every photo and will actually think that being a model requires skill and hard work. It doesn’t.

They will then on a Friday and Saturday night upload the famous “titled head” picture with their friend in a toilet in a night club. The huge amount of hair extensions they have places extraneous weight on the models head (which is already quiet light…) and so they have not got the strength to hold their head up straight.

4: The “my life is way better than yours” person

Can be a model or self proclaimed model, male or female, it doesn’t really matter.

These people will check in absolutely everywhere and post pics of them with Z list celebrities. They will post from music concerts as if they are VIP and chilling with the bands, go to Krystle and the Wright Venue and ensure you know about it. (They’ll even check into the VIP areas when there, even though they are downstairs with the common folk.)

They will then order cocktails and upload a picture of them with their cocktails along with a tag line like, “About to wreck the place with Bono, the Pope and Kony 2012 at The Wright Venue with 7 others”.

It should really read “Don’t know how to have the craic so uploading pictures to make sure you know that your life is shit and mine is better. What I really mean is that I don’t have the self confidence to go out and enjoy a night out, I need the external validation from people I don’t know to make myself feel better and it comes from getting a lack of attention off my parents as a child.”

5: The Single Mom

“Wish I could go out with my girlo’s tonight but have to stay in and mind me lil Dylan who has the chicken pox and has been getting sick all day. ” You should have thought about that beforehand, shouldn’t you. Keep it off my timeline, thanks.

6: The GAA Player

Has some of the similar struggles as single Mom in that he can’t go out, but this is only because he chooses to subject himself to a life locked away inside on a weekend because of a championship match in 16 weeks.

The GAA player will make sure you know they play GAA as their profile picture will be an epic one of them soloing a ball during a match and have a dirty big watermark through the middle of it because they are too cheap to go and fucking buy the original print.

7: The Technology Retard

These are usually the older Facebook users who will be fooled into clicking on anything without realising that what they clicked on gets posted to their own profile for the world to see.

They are the auntie or uncle who comes up in your feed with “Tom just watched Justin Bieber suck off a horse…”

8:The Student

Will have certain surges of activity online. Usually December through January and May through June.

And usually always complaining, for what researchers have shown to be close to 6 hours a day, about the amount of work they have to do. But they will make sure to “Check in” to the library. Once they do that, if they don’t have a fit and organise their notes, it’s time for one of several breaks. (which they will of course update you about…)

9: The Quote Person

Will post hourly “inspirational quotes” to proclaim themselves as experts or gurus online. This person is usually a life/angel/energy/spiritual/psychic/holistic therapist who has spent thousands of euro on training courses, books and DVDs, all the while, still feeling lonely and depressed on the inside.

The quotes they put up, are more a way of keeping themselves from a nervous breakdown, or from actually calculating how much money they have spent on their guru training and of how broke them are now.

10: The Gym Guy

Yeah, the gym guy will happily let you know that he just benched pressed about half the weight of the moon and was just shy of his personal best.

Oh and in case you’re not aware, Tuesdays is arms and back. Yeah, because you need to know his workout schedule or you might die. In the face.

Cue pictures of boring chicken dinner and protein shakes.

11: The Inappropriate Joke Guy

This is your friend who as soon as a member of your family has died or become seriously ill, will be making jokes about it online.

They are the ones who gave you the Whitney jokes, the Mc Cann jokes and the Michael Jackson jokes and you’re going to hell too because you laughed at them. A lot.

12: The Pretentious Moral Dissident

Quickly after the inappropriate joke guy has made his mark, Pretentious Moral Dissident will feel obliged to let all of you know how horrible and wrong you are and how her life under her shinning halo is the only way to go.

It’ll be something like “I think people who think X is funny should all be ashamed of themselves and need to take a good look in the mirror.”

Pretentious Moral Person is ashamed of you. Not even mad, just disappointed. Now go to your room and think about what you’ve just done.

There we have it. Make sure to send it on to friends and family that may be affected. Any we left out, let us know!

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What about all the normal-ish people? The ones who don’t go on farmville and send requests to their entire friends list. The ones who think about what they say and don’t post needy or unnecessary statuses. That use Facebook as a practical tool, to communicate with friends and to creep on sluts “Magaluf 2k12″ Albums.

You missed off the one about the guy who judges others based on how they use social media. The guy who posts about how boring or useless something is on facebook, rather than ignoring it – because ignoring it would not take up enough of their unused time!