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} Certainly. *poof* OK, now you're Lisa. My goodness, what large ...} Never mind; you've got a busy day ahead of you:}} 07:30am: Wake up}} 07:45am: Shower, apply makeup. Decide that you hate makeup, change.}} 08:20am: Get dressed. Decide you hate clothing choices, change.}} 09:07am: Arrive just in time for your OBGYN appointment. You've} brought along a set of woolen slippers so that the stirrups aren't} _quite_ so cold, an entire back year of _Scientific American_ for} the wait in the lobby, and an electric cattle prod just in case} the doctor even _thinks_ about using an unheated speculum on you.}} 10:22am: He did use the unheated speculum, but the cattle prod was} out of reach. After a thorough and humiliating exam, he told you} that it was all in your head, women are often like that, and that} the visit cost you $127.22.}} 11:30am: Lunch, early. Deflect pass from computer science dweeb. At} least, you assume it was a pass: He came up, tried to speak (but} only stuttered) while staring at your breasts, hands shaking so} badly that he was knocking ice cubes out of his drink onto your} shoes.}} 1:00pm: Study in library. Jock comes up, sits next to you, pretends} to study (you notice book is upside down), puts hand on thigh.} You move. He follows. You leave library. He follows, but is} distracted by another female student in imperceptably shorter} skirt.}} 2:30pm: Drop off project in TA's office. He tells your breasts (why} do men never speak to you directly?) that he might just lose the} project unless you gave him something to remember you by. You} inquire if a sexual harrassment lawsuit would be sufficiently} memorable. He turns red, muttering how women have no sense} of humor. You leave.}} 2:45pm to 6:45pm: Work on next project in terminal room. Excepting} stares (computer science types must grow up on a planet without} women, you decide), you are undisturbed.}} 7:30pm: You arrive back at home to find message from boyfriend} cancelling date. You start running a bath.}} 7:50pm: You get another phone call from boyfriend, telling you his} plans fell through and could you two still get together? With} a sigh, you agree, and let the water out of the tub.}} 8:45pm: He arrives, you leave for dinner.}} 10:00pm: You return after a pleasant dinner. Necking on couch} follows.}} 10:15pm: Complete undress achieved.}} 10:30pm: He falls asleep. You consider, but reject the vibrator} as being too noisy, and run a bath instead.}} 11:15pm: You fall asleep.}} *poof* See, now wasn't that fun? We have a special _seven day_} package, if you're interested. Hello?}} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much."

> Oh Recursive One,>> Tell me please is it true that Americans are truly as they appear on> television (i.e. perfect height, clear complexion, piercing blue eyes,> never make mistakes, always can come up with humourous comments at all> times etc.)? If so, please explain Dan Quayle!>> How do I become as perfect then as these Americans? Or am I destined to> be relegated to being an imperfect Australian being?

} The oracle has not even had to ponder this question for it is the} simplest of the simple in all its simplicity}} Of course Americans are exactly like they are on TV for America itself} is mearly a TV set designed to feed the huge propaganda machine which} has been set up to make all people in the world BELIEVE that America} exists.}} In fact, America is nothing but a club of 10 men and 10 women who have} designs on taking over the world through propaganda. This is their} thesus statement for a report they are giving to the UN (which is really} based in greenland, not New York for NY doesn't actually exist)}} Who could believe that America is all a prop? No one, but the oracle} knows better and has the power to look past this fascade.}} their one error was Dan Quyale who really is a secret agent sent by the} Russians to disarm the club and show the public once and make the world} gape at its awsome power.}} Dan Quyale then is not, repeat NOT and american.}} To become a perfect American you must first attend months of Acting} school and then call Merv Griffin Enterprises for an audition} spot...audition tapes are requested.}} you owe the oracle one movie camara and an American flag

> Oh most gracious and amazing Oracle, whose system architechure I am not> worthy to contemplate, please answer for me the following humble> question, the dilemma that has plagued my life, the key to (I think)> eternal happiness and everlasting sweet dreams:>> How does it always know to rain the ONE DAY I forget my umbrella?

} This of course precludes a whole discussion of what "to know" means} with regard to "it". I will let you in on a little secret though (but} don't tell my manager) --- this whole rain deal is just an automated} task which we have set up to run on a regular basis. Of course, some} bugs still remain. The system in general and the task in particular} don't really "know" anything about when it should rain, any more than} it knows that when it gets a command to "ls -l" it should list in long} format all non-hidden files in a directory, or that when it gets} "rm -foo" it knows the person who entered it was a bonehead.}} Oh right, the rain. Even Oracles go on tangents when you bring up} these deeper issues indirectly. Why the hell do you think we sit} around on top of tall computers in cold machine rooms? It is to} contemplate these deeper issues in life, not to wonder why some people} are forgetful and then think that system nature is out to get them.}} Oh right, the rain. Sorry, this weed must be getting to my synapses.} Helps make the mind lucid, to a point, you know. I do some of my best} thinking while under the influence of mind altering drugs. Ask Jimi.}} Where was I? Righto, rain and you. Sorry I keep on going on the} tangents, but I sort of consider my infinite thought to be much like a} leisurely trip down a highway. While trying to reach my destination,} if I see a side road which looks interesting then I will follow it,} eventually returning to my original path.}} ... which was about this rain deal. You know, I just though of} another way to represent transitions from one thought to another.} Picture each thought in its own little cubic room, with exits on each} wall. While it might be readily obvious (perhaps from a fire exit} map?) which direction to head in to get to the point, there are still} numerous other thoughts directly related to it which are interesting} to explore. Well, interesting to me anyway.}} What? The rain? Why do you keep bugging me about that? Sheesh.} Like you'll melt or something, just like that witch in Australia} (parts of which look amazingly like Kansas, you know, and even if they} don't have flying monkeys there are a lot of short people there).} Fine, if you'll go away then I'll give you an answer, ungrateful wretch.}} We have a special file in nature:/etc, in.raind. It keeps a list of} people we'd like especially to piss off my giving them a good} drenching and each time someone forgets his umbrella, the rain servant} gets a report about it and checks it against the list. On days where} greater than fifty percent of the people in the file have forgotten} their umbrellas, the rain daemon lets loose. So as it turns out,} system nature is out to get you. In variable it catches a lot of} innocents, but He finds that amusing. The standardisation committee} still hasn't determined whether that behaviour is a bug or a feature.}} If it makes you feel any better, this Oracle doesn't even own an} umbrella and is in that damn file. Mother won't take me out of it.}} You owe the Oracle a rubber ducky, a handful clueless earthworms on} sidewalks and a pair of shoes which don't go *squish*.

} Most traffic signs are designed not to inform you, but to induce a level} of cognitive dissonance high enough to encourage (fnord) you to break} the traffic laws out of sheer frustration. This adds to the general} revenue through fines and sales tax on brake jobs and tire sales. Plus} it adds a steady source of employment for motorheads in body shops.}} This simply seems a more sophisticated version of the same.

} The reason for this is the simple but little-known fact that the} inventor of the grammaphone, Thomas Edison, had seventeen fingers on} each hand, but lost two segments of one finger on his left hand in an} early childhood experiment with a bottle, some twigs and an enraged} raccoon. He thereforespent his whole life doing arithmetic in base} 33 1/3, which was as sensible an RPM to him as 10 would be to you. His} well known enmity with Nikola Tesla was, in fact, not over AC versus} DC electricity, but over whether 33 1/3 or 18 1/2 is the base of} choice.}} Hi Ho, Silver, and a hearty tally-ho to mom, Cindy-Lou Flotsam, Clark} Kent andall the other fine folk of Gotham City.}}} [Oracle Maintenance and Repair: Standard Disclaimer Form 1040EZ}} Due to technical difficulties at the Cross Universal Meta-Cray} Workstation And Telecommunication ( CUMCWAT ) installation, the} machine usually dedicated to your Oracle is not available. Until} repairs are completed, a micro version of the Oracle has been} implemented on a PDP 11-03 with 64K RAM and one 8 inch, single sided} single density floppy drive.}} Since the parser, logic, and database for the Oracle require one} million times these resources, the micro-version uses an adaptive} extrapolating heuristic instead, whose results are not quite as} reliable as the original Oracle's. Not even remotely as reliable.} Let's face it, it spews out pure fabrication, and it would be a bloody} miracle if it got anything right at all.}} If you decide to follow the micro-Oracle's advice anyway, we assume no} responsibility for any loss or damages. But if by some wild stroke of} luck you make a fortune off its advice, we assume full responsibility} for that and expect you to hand over 97.5% of the proceeds, and don't} make a fuss either because we've got photon torpedoes and a Death Star} and you don't so what are you going to do about it anyway?}} CUMCWAT regrets any inconvenience these repairs cause you, but not} much.]

} Telemachus, my son! There have been heroes within our ancient} traditions who have accomplished feats mightier than the great Heisman.} They have pillaged more cities, scored more (albeit sans pigskin), and} run over many many more foes than have a measly little American.} Behold the fearsome Achilles! He played for Akhaians in the great} ten year rivalry between them and the Trojans, not of the USC variety.} We're talking the real men of Troy, bronze spear carrying dudes who} battled over a beautiful woman. He is said to have been a runner who} could outrace Zephyr, the West Wind and give chase to the mighty Lion of} Nemea.} Then, forget not the great giant Ajax who defended the entire Akhaian} ships by himself. Surely no offensive line on the Georgia Tech or} Georgia team can match that peerless accomplishment. And consider, my} son, the feat of Odysseus and Diomedes, who snuck behind enemy lines to} carry off great prizes of war. Not even the great Lawrence Taylor would} have made more sacks than these men.} As for Georgia Tech and Georgia, Telemachus! What delusions have} seized thee! The new change in conference schedules mean that they will} not play each other this year! No! In fact, they are the newest} members of the Ivy League, since the overly wealthy alumni have decided} that they would like to watch some real football for once. So Georgia} Tech will play Harvard and Georgia go up against Princeton. The scores} will be Harvard 27, Georgia Tech 7, Princeton 14, Georgia 17. The} weekend after, Georgia Tech will play Yale. The score of that game will} be... Yale 192, Ga.Tech 0.} You owe the Oracle a Harvard sweatshirt and a beautiful buxom babe} who goes to Yale. God (I mean Me) knows they need one.

} Since you have not specified where you are from, I cannot tell which} `Tech' you refer to in your question. So I will presume that you must} mean the Technische Universitaet Wien, in Vienna, Austria. Therefore,} I will write the rest of this message in German, but since most usenet} mortals do not speak German, I will send it to an automatic} translation program that the Oracle just got for free in a box of} chocolate-covered microprocessor chips.}} The AP round-questions has since many years a leading meaning} indicator been. Often, Highlytheoreticalresearchworkplaceplaces are} at the top of it. Now is the first time a technical highshoe has on} the list been. This reflects the great ahead steps in technical} matters, especially computers, since the old days overexagerated} claims about what computers could if the chance by people who no} forsight have given was do could made were made been have.}} You owe the Oracle `1001 German Verbs' and a push-down stack.

} Just quote the famed philosopher DesCartwheel to him:} 'I respond to silly questions, therefore I am.'}} And please don't mention the halitosis thing anymore, okay? After the} incident with the planetoid and the supernova I've cut waaay down on the} garlic bread.}} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Listerine.

> Oh wise Oracle, now that Ted Turner and Jane Fonda have announced their> engagement, how will this affect the Braves next season? or TBS? CNN?> Did he promise her a new network? Will we have "Barbarella" reruns?

} You have clearly underestimated the impact this event will have} on society at large. Of course the Braves will be affected. And TBS.} And CNN. But that's just small fry compared with the effects you} will begin to notice in a week or so, changes so vast and radical} they may well change CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT!}} * Ties will get wider.}} * Penguins will aquire human rights.}} * Wearing a butcher's apron will be compulsory after 5pm.}} * The monetary system will collapse, and the only good currency} will be cans of diet coke (each worth approximately 200 Swedish} Crowns).}} * Dennis Hopper will be knighted.}} And yes, there will be Barbarella reruns. And, on top of that, 40} new episodes will be made, directed by David Lynch, and cocatenated} with Falcon Crest. In this sparkling new series, Barbarella will} fight the evil mongrels of the evil emperor, played by the fat lady} from "Bagdad Cafe" (whose name eludes me for the moment) and drop} parts of her space suit on over 55 different planets. Prophesies} say that this won't be as fascinating as in the original series,} though.