Thursday, October 19, 2006

True Wife Confession 98 bottles of Bartles and James wine coolers on the wall

Confession #971

You criticize me constantly - look at last night. You have for 4 almost 5 years. I am so tired, beat down and sad. I am not me anymore but rather an old dishrag that takes care of things so you can go fishing and hang out because you are stressed. I can't do it anymore. You had several years to talk, apologize, etc. You are 41 years old. You have the ability to make decisions about the way you treat me and the kids. You have chosen to treat me like crap.

Confession #972

Dear Husband,

I previously confessed I wouldn't get off the pill until you got offyour ass and helped.

I got off the pill. But purely for selfish reasons. I want anotherbaby. Me. I don't care if you don't help or not. Why should I denymyself what I want just because you don't help like you should?

I plan on not telling you until I'm about 3 months along. I want it tobe my little secret. My little baby.

Oh, and I didn't tell you this last time. I met a close friend onvacation, and we kissed. Matter of fact, we did more than just kiss.And it was nice. I liked it. I have come thisclose to taking you up onyour offer when you joke about getting a girl to join us. But I don'twant to share her with you. I'd be insanely jealous to see another girlwith you, and I want her all to myself. I'm selfish like that.

I wish I had done a lot more before settling down. There is a lot inthis world that I didn't experience, and I'm afraid I never will due tothe fact that I love you so damn much.

Oh, and stop making so much damn noise in the morning and waking the kidup. You get to leave, I have to get a cranky child dressed and out thedoor.

Love,Wife.

Confession #973

I love you so much J. You make me so happy and even though life is literally HELL right now, I see that you are concerned and I see that you do care and would do anything for me. Having you there to hold me is exactly what I prayed for for so long and I am so thankful that God finally answered all my prayers... Thank you for always being here for me baby... I love you with everything I am!!!

Confession #974

It kind of disturbs me that all the furniture in our house was mine before we got married 7 years ago. You make really good money and I know we could afford to buy new things. But every time I bring it up, it goes nowhere. There is very little in our house that I did not buy. It makes me wonder how comfortable you are there. Sometimes I think to myself "if he were going to leave, he could pack up his stuff in less than 5 minutes". I should probably be happy that it is all my style, but it still bothers me.

Confession #975

If your mom shows up in the delivery room as she has threatened, I will seriously have hospital security kick her out. I have already alerted them. Get some balls and stand up to her now, or sit back and wait for the fireworks. Also, if you call her before the baby is born, I might have to throw you out of the delivery room too.

Confession #976

You refuse to spend time with our kids by yourself. So, I have to go to the gym at 5am, shower and back at home before they wake up at 6. Everyday when I get back, you complain that I was too loud and the garage door woke you up. You are a selfish as*h*le.

Confession #977

I've never been allowed to paint, wallpaper or even do anything to make our house mine. I have gotten lectured about using the oven, the washer, the bbq grill, and the dishwasher.

I'm sorry that things have come to this, but I can't go around for the rest of my life thinking that I am a terrible person who can do no right. I am broken. You think you are better than I am and I just can't play that game anymore.

Confession #978

I am so proud of you for quitting smoking, I know it was worth the bitchy awful shit we went through to get you free of that drug.

Confession #979

I don't feel comfortable coming back to our house because I have had my behaviors corrected for so many years. I am afraid that you'll follow me around telling me how bad I am. How poorly I feed the kids, how rotten my finances are, how fat I am, how I am not as good as you in general. I should have stood my ground with you years ago. I can't do it. I love you too much to criticize you over the petty crap that I am criticized over.

Confession #980

I resent you. I resent you for a lot of things. I resent myself for staying and not saying anything. I resent myself for letting it get to this point in the first place. Do you really believe me when I tell you The Reason we haven't had sex all these years is that I feel like I'm too fat? No....its because of my pent up resentment towards you. I resent my fear of confrontation. I hate it that I feel so scared to tell you how I really feel. If I had been honest with you from the get-go (and honest to the person I was dating at the time too) I wouldn't be where I am today. There it is...I was dating someone seriously when I started dating you. Why did I accept a date with you in the first place? The other someone lived in a different town and I didn't get to see him that much. I'm sorry I didn't tell you then. I'm sorry I've contributed to the reason why we're in the situation we're in now. Why didn't I listen to my spirit alllll those years ago? There were many "forks in the road" and I could feel each wrong decision/choice I made when I made it and still know today where each one is.

Do you actually like living in this lifeless marriage? You reap what you sow and you haven't sown too much into your relationships...except those with your siblings. One time you told me I "whittled" away your inheritance. Do we have expensive, nice things? No. I wish I could repay you but I cannot. I took our kids and did things, fun things, that you were too busy for or didn't want to go with for one reason or another. I was subconsciously (or not so subconsciously?) compensating for your lack of participation and out of sheer resentment for so many things I had not verbalized. If I "whittled" away your inheritance then I guess I've "whittled" away my own. I used my own inheritance and my money from my stocks and bought furniture & carpet for our home. Here we are, driving vehicles that are 15+ yrs old and you have that stupid vehicle from your youth, in the garage that you refuse to give up.

I don't love you. I'm not attracted to you. Truth be told, there's more about you that annoys me than is endearing. I feel -zip- for you, other than the love for you as a person. More truth, I really don't like going to your family reunions and don't want to go ever again. The main reason I went on vacation with the girls in 2000 is to get out of going to your family reunion. I get nauseous when I think of having to go. I don't trust you with my emotional well-being. You have been non-nurturing to this whole family all these years. You never seemed to really be that into me. It took me 14 years to realize that & attach a definition to it. I thought you would've changed. I had hoped marriage would've changed that. Why did you marry me? Why did I marry you? I've never been unfaithful to you, physically. But, I've had an on-going affair in my head with that previous man for years.

Again, I resent you. I resent myself. I am going to work on getting back Myself. I feel I don't have a good enough reason to divorce you...you're not beating me...but then, on the other hand, don't I deserve to be happy and get my joy back? I'm a daughter of the King and I deserve better than this. I'm a good woman. You deserve better than this. You're a decent man. Our children deserve much better than this. They're great people too. We're both too young to have this be 'it', the "all there is" for the rest of our lives.

(By the way-I know that you look at nasty pictures on the internet when you wake up early every Saturday morning. Internet explorer shows me you do 2 things, every Saturday, without fail: check the bank account and look at stupid girlie pictures. Hello?! Don't you think about the internet explorer history? No wonder we get all those freakin' pop-ups!!!!!!)

10 comments:

Anonymous
said...

#975, I know exactly how you feel. My MIL actually showed up at one of my OB appts. one time and was all over the dr.'s office looking for me. If she had found me I would have killed her. After my daughter was born she would call her friend who worked at the pediatrician's office to be sure we got to our appts. on time and see how the baby was doing, like she couldn't just call us later. I finally told the doctor that the next time his secretary gave ANY information to anyone besides me or my husband I was going to sue his office for violating doctor-patient confidentiality. That did the trick.

974 - Encourage him to make that house his own. Speaking from experience, my stbx refused to let me decorate or buy anything for the house. One of the reasons I am leaving.

It took me less than 3 hours to move me and our 2 kids out.

I have no sense of belonging in his house. It was decorated by his Mom before I moved in. I always felt like a person renting a room. Never felt like I was at home. He likes it and doesn't want it changed.

975...OH DO I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! My m-i-l would probably tell me how I'm pushing wrong and being too dramatic and how SHE delivered my husband and how SHE did it alone with his father and how SHE blahblahblah. She better not come visit before my family after the baby is born because I don't need her telling me how to change diapers HER way and blahblahblah...

980: have you ever said these things to your husband? He may have the same concerns or also be discontent. Before you leave, please at least give him a chance to improve after knowing your feelings. He may be willing to go to counseling, and you may not end up "stuck with each other" after all. My prayers are with you.

#975--I hear ya! My MIL was totally pissed when I told her she couldn't come to our house when our first baby was born. She said "I can't believe I'm not allowed to be there when my first grandchild is born." My response was "I can't believe you can use the words I and me so frequently when you are talking about a subject that ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT YOU!!" She makes everything about her! You stick to your guns! Don't let that chick push you around! Or your husband either. Labor and delivery is ABSOLUTELY the one time in your life that everyone should have to do things exactly your way. No ifs ands or buts!!

#980 - Reading your post was like being inside my own head. Your comment - "I don't trust you with my emotional well-being. You have been non-nurturing to this whole family all these years." - made me wonder if we were married to the same man. After almost 20 years of marriage I separated from my husband. The resentment built up over the years because of his failure to respect my feelings, his inability to put my needs and wants before his parents, the addiction to porn, etc, etc. And I, too, resented myself for not standing up to him more strongly, even though standing up usually meant hours his of yelling at me and putting me down. It has been so hard to stand against the censure of him and his parents and their friends and, sadly, my own daughter, but I am getting stronger every day and I feel like I am "me" again - a person who has been lost for a long, long time. Recognize your worth - you are a valuable person to God - you deserve to be accepted for who you are. Good luck to you.