Paris Hilton prepares for prison, rape

Paris Hilton has ordered a hair and makeup team to meet her at her home 9 AM Monday so she can get done up and look her best for the media when she walks into prison. A friend tells Rush & Molloy:

“The timing is to make sure she makes all the celebrity weeklies. Paris is a genius at marketing herself. She managed to turn having a sex tape to her benefit, and she’s going to do the same out of going to prison. It’s not just about marketing, it’s about making money. If she can set up her entry into jail in a very grand way, the payoff will be greater … Paris doesn’t do contrite very well. She will be glam, and Paris is the queen of the prop. Expect her hair pulled back in a ponytail, big sunglasses and maybe a Holy Bible under one arm. And she just got a new kitten, so maybe she’ll hand that to her sister [Nicky] as she gets out of the car. There might even be tears.”

Paris has also decided to write a prison diary during her 23-day sentence, in hopes of publishing it upon release.

“Paris’ prison diary will make a more dramatic read than Martha Stewart’s. If she can make it believable, and not exaggerate too much, she might expect to make a million dollars out of it.”

You know, maybe getting all done up before entering a prison filled with lonely inmates might not be the best idea. After the mustached creatures they’re used to seeing, Paris is going to look like a lobster stuffed with filet mignon. And I don’t know if she’ll be able to find a publisher for her diary. There’s not a very large market these days for books filled with 23 pages of frowny faces.

Comments

Scientists where astounded today, after examining an x-ray of Paris’ skull and finding she doesn’t actually have a brain. Instead, the young heiress’ motor function is derived from a kitten chasing a butterfly.

A $275 hoodie with the word “Faith” on it in medieval script? She must be a goddamn saint! I’m sold. Self-help books that her friends or extended family gave her? If books had feelings, those would be the saddest, loneliest books in the world.

She won’t learn a damn thing sitting in her special cell…put her where everyone else in this fucking country has to go when they break the law.

I can see it already, bullshit survival story and some sappy fucking program on how ‘tramatized’ she is and how she’s been awakened to the error of her ways…god I hope at least one inmate gets to her and beats her privaliged little head in.

She’s so phony she must really believe the hype that she’s fed that people love her, what kind of moron would be taken in by someone carrying around books about Spiritual stuff she must really undermine the public.

Get the shivs ready ladies! Actually get the cement dildos ready. I hope she gets seriously plowed in there. I’m sure there will be a video and she make another couple of million for just sitting there and taking it.

Anything this bitch does, good or bad makes money! she can’t sing to save her own life and her “album” sells millions! We all know she can’t put two words together and her book sells millions! she has sex, the tape sells millions! Now she goes to jail and she gonna make money anyways! She could shit a blue turd and find a way to make money off of it!! Instead of jail time they should have sentenced her to never be fotographed again. Take that Paris, you cum guzzling, money grubing twatwaffle!