2014

Contents

January

Jan 02 - Spiked pit

Didn't do it. Nope.

While it was a general rule that parties in the PIT, such as the celebratory Christmas/holiday party, are dry bar ones, sometimes things can get out of hand.

Alert staff quickly realized though someone had heavily spiked the punch at the new years' eve party, although it was too late for several greenshirts and Joes who ended up somewhat inebriated at a fast pace. The offending drink was quickly removed, replaced, and put under guard, and security is acting to try and find the culprits.

January 9 - New Church in Waco, Texas

January 10 - Fight in Rockefeller Plaza

Dateline: January 10, 2014: 12:14 am
BREAKING NEWS

A fight just occurred in New York City's Rockefeller Plaza. The combatants were a human female, red hair, and in a uniform that appears to match that of Scarlett, of the United States G.I. Joe team, and a Robot.... This Robot used advanced weaponary, including a missile launcher.

Footage of Scarlett and Over Kill's fight is running while the newscaster is speaking. Scenes include Scarlett taking a Machete to the shoulder, Over Kill firing a Rocket Launcher that goes over Scarlett's head into a building, Scarlett using a katana to cut Over Kill from Crotch to stomach, sweeping Over Kill to the ground, straddling him and shoving a knife in his chest, shooting him in the head, and finally punching him and Over Kill shutting down*

It appears that Scarlett was able to disable the robot, before a G.I. Joe helicopter took her from the scene, and an unknown unit of troops took the robot away. The Department of Defense has released no statement, and no one from G.I. Joe was available for comment.

We do know that the building that was hit by the rocket launcher was an office building, but at this time, the loss of life has not been disclosed.

In other news, the record cold blast continues to bring freezing temperatures across the northern parts of the United States....

January 12 - New Cult, or New Religion?

Written in the Editorial Section of the Waco Tribune Herald, and also carried in the Houston Chronicle and the Dallas Morning News*

Is it a Cult, or a Religion?
By Herman R. Trumpletter

The Mount Caramel Center, just NorthEast of Waco, known as the sight of the Branch Davidian Cult's last stand against the United States Government (The ATF, FBI, and Texas National Guard), has a new owner. It is called the Church of the Coiled Serpent, and it is teaching love and harmony, and asking 'What Would Christ's Commander Do?" Now, I can not hazard a guess as to who this 'Christ's Commander' is, nor who is running the place. All I know for sure, is that when I went out to speak to someone, the Compound is once again, surounded by walls, and there is a gate, where you ring a bell.

Once you are let in, you are escorted by an acolyte, to the two story building, which is done in modren furniture, not really looking much like a church. The female acolyte I spoke to was in her late 30's, black hair, blue eyes, looked like your typical wid-western woman. She was rearing a red robe, with a hood, but there was something that stood out. She was a cyborg. One eye, and both hands had been replaced by mechanical parts. I tried to get her to talk about them, but she only would say, "It happened in my previous life". She only identified herself as 'Priestess Diana', and refused to give any further information about herself, saying only that she had been saved by the church, and she was here, in Waco, to help save others.

I asked her about the Church, and what teaching it followed, and she told me it followed the New Testament, the Old Testament, and the question, "What would Christ's Commander do?". When asked who was Christ's Commander, she smiled, and said, "I am. You are. Everyone is. Everyone can be a Commander for Christ, if they will only take up the call, and remember that leading by example is Christ did, and if we can only do the same, the world will be better for it."

I left after a short tour, but I can help but wonder, why choose the location they did, if they have no other motives? Why choose the Coiled Serpent as their name, if they are a Christian Church? Do they handle snakes?

I have heard rumors of people that have joined, and have never left the compound. I have heard of wealthy people joining, and their entire fortunes being donated to the Church.

I ask again, is this a Church, or is it a Cult? We here in Waco have had experience with a Cult, and what can happen if the Government wants to shut it down, dare we wait for another Feb 28, through April 19, 1993? I know I, for one, don't. We can nip it in the bud, now, if they are a Cult, and we can see about making sure the Government knows they are not a Clut, or of any danger to us, if they are a Church.

If you have any comments, please send all of them to my email address, or to me here at the newspaper.

January 13

"Winter Rescue Mission" - Ace pilots a Hercules on a rescue mission over some of the worse-hit parts of North America, with a cargo bay full of Joes, emergency food and medical supplies.

January 14 - GI Joe Mobilizes to thaw out the US

Reports have come in that along with the standard army and air force, GI Joe has mobilized its' own forces to assist with delivering fuel, food, and manpower to dig out snowed-in Americans across the nation. Utilizing Hercules aircraft, helicopters and snowmobiles they have been active for at least twenty four hours, starting in the hardest-hit areas and moving out, focusing on those who were in the most dire need and were furthest from 'rescue areas'. Some people who's houses had begun to collapse in as well were also air lifted or assisted to local evacuation centres.

January 21 - Explosion in Rural Pennsylvania

Late Tuesday afternoon, the rural area of Old Shoe Township was rocked by a large explosion. The blast originated at a fracking site. Reports say that a heated battle between Autobots and Decepticons caused the explosion, although there is currently no video evidence at this time. We'll keep you updated as details come in.

February

February 08 - News Report

>mentioned at the end of a Broadcast<

The annual 'Reindeer Festival' will be starting this week in Frusenland. Prime Minister Jarl Aune will be on hand to start the month long festivities with a speech, and the traditional first skinning...

Baroness speaks to Tomax and Xamot about the financial situation of Cobra.

February 12 - Double E Returns

-You come upon a news report detailing the mundane daily business report-

"And now with a /fascinating/ run down of todays business news. Guy Smiley, Take it away Guy!"

"Thanks Chuck, in the news today the stock market held steady, technology stocks stayed strong. Agriculture fell 3 points... And French siblings Giuseppe and Giovanni Paoli <Pictured here flanked by a small army of lawyers and security personnel> have reemerged from what was apparently a very long and secretive retreat into the French Alps. Business insiders have not seen the pair in what most are estimating to be years. The Twin brothers, who headed up the former global powerhouse that was Extensive Enterprises are apparently trying to strike gold a second time. Will they focus on media and private security as they have in the past? Or go a new direction? The experts are torn. Insiders and those with unique perspective on the pair believe they will be or may have already taken what was left of their personal assets and attempted to kick start the very company they seemingly left to slowly fizzle out. Can these two do it? This reporter doesn't know, but by golly it should be exciting to watch them try!

"Guy Smiley, out! Back to you Chuck."

Uh... Thanks, Guy...Riveting..really.

-You quickly change the channel, having just lost five minutes of an otherwise productive evening.-

February 19 - Frusenland Rioting

Tonight's top story, Rioting in the streets of Frusenland! Following the assassination of Prime Minister Jarl Aune just under 48 hours ago, by a still unknown Sniper, the citizens of Frusenland, and especially those in the capitol city of Frusenhagen, have taken to the streets in riots. They are protesting the temporary rise to power of Deputy Prime Minister August Volff, son of a former Prime Minister of Frusenland, Johann Volff. Many Citizens are calling for the Defense Minister, Franz Ackenheil to be placed in power until special elections can be called, while others are calling on the United Nations to send in Peace Keepers to run the Country, until such a time as elections can be called.

As of this time, there have been reports of fighting, fires, and looting in Frusenhagen, and most of the larger towns in Frusenland, but only ten people have been killed, when they clashed with Frusenhagen police, who fired into the crowd, trying to disperse them. Nine civilians and one Frusenhagen City Police officer were left dead, and twenty more are known to be wounded from that incident alone.

February 19 - Unknown Broadcast

Static fills the screen, the hiss of it loud on any televisions that might be turned up. Numerous radio bands also carry the same sudden burst of white noise. Slowly, though, the din gives way to the familiar trumpet fare of the Star Spangled Banner. For those watching, the proud flag of the United States begins to take form, flying alongside the banners of the United Nations and Earth Defense Command.

Suddenly, an all to familiar quote can be heard. "... the only thing we have to fear itself. Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror-"

Static bursts again before another voice pipes in, carried by a thick British accent "I have almost forgot the taste of fears. The time has been my senses would have cool'd To hear a night shriek, and my fell of hair Would at a dismal treatise rouse and stir As life were in't. I have supp'd full with horrors; Direness, familiar to my slaughterous thoughts, Cannot once start me."

More static, followed by an American voice, almost sounding as though it were from an old television show. "Being frightened is an experience you can't buy."

The static begins to recede as the trumpeted song continues to carry behind the speakers. Each one a different speaker than the last, coming faster as they progress.

March

March 9 - Frusenland Update

Breaking News***

This just in from Frusenland, Deputy Prime Minister August Volff, acting Prime Minister of the country, announced that less than one hour ago, two more High Ranking Government officials have been assassinated. Interior Minister Johan Thorin and Foreign Minister Inger Alvsdatter were shot, in the head, only a few seconds apart. They were both on stage at a Pro-Government rally, opposing the Iron Grenadiers that Defense Minister Franz Ackenheil has invited into the Country as a Peacekeeping force. Ackenheil and Laird Destro, of Transcarpathia, were unavailable for comment.

These assassinations were eerily reminiscent of the assassination of Prime Minister Jarl Aune. He was shot, without a creditable threat, suddenly.

As we can, we will bring you more details on the double assassination, as they become available. We can say, that anti-government riots are increasing in Frusenland, and even some previously Pro-Government groups are starting to sound off against the current government. The United Nations has applauded Laird Destro's intervention, as a Peacekeeping force, and are calling upon the United STates to send monetary support to the Laird, to fund his activities in Frusenland.

The broadcast of a Basketball game, already in progress, resumes.*

Mar 11 - Colorado Rumors

There have been rumors of an obvious dye-jobbed blonde in Colorado, by the name of Tequila Strangelove, asking questions about some Doctor named Eddie. She's been going around to Lawyers, Drug Dealers, and even the cops, asking where this 'Eddie' might be. The only other interesting rumor is that she has a killer body, and dresses like a porn star.

Mar 11 - Viral Video from Alberta!

It seems spring exuberance has come to the city of Medicine Hat, located in the south-western part of Alberta. A local weather-woman and her field team were playfully assaulted by a blond haired man in his mid twenties, who engaged the reporters in a brief but furious snowball fight during a live broadcast. The video, uploaded two days ago on YouTube, has already gotten over a half million hits.

Mar 17 - Breaking News

BREAKING NEWS**

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the latest development in the ongoing crisis in Frusenland. Yet another top political leader in the country has been killed today. The compound of Deputy Prime Minister August Volff was attacked less than 30 minutes ago, by forces unknown. There were at least five attackers, with high powered assault weapons, including machine guns, anti-tank rockets, and even reports of laser weaponry. All we know for sure about the attackers is that five minutes before the attack, the security cameras caught five white-clad forms, all of which appear to be female, sneaking over a wall, carrying weapons. As soon as these forms appeared on the walls, all the cameras surrounding the compound, and inside the house, went out. When the Frusenland Army's Special Response Team responded 15 minutes later, all occupants of the house, including the Deputy Prime Minister, his wife, and all 20 of his Special Forces Guards were dead.

No one has claimed responsibility for this attack, but this is the third time that members of the Frusenland Political Leadership have been killed. The total body count of Frusenland Leadership is higher: Prime Minister Aune, Interior Minister Johan Thorin, and Foreign Minister Inger Alvsdatter have all been assassinated by snipers. This leaves Defense Minister Franz Ackenheil as Acting Prime Minister, until such a time as Special Elections can be called.

"It was not a surprise to us, we had been working with Minister Ackenheil, for weeks, to get our forces into Frusenland. The loss of life was staggering, and as a growing power in the international community, we wanted to offer our assistance in quelling the turmoil in Frusenland. We want to help Frusenland avoid a Civil War, that Acting Interior Minister Gösta Holgersen is fearful of, as Cobra has already gone through such an event, and we know how devastating it can be, both for the people, and the land. Cobra Forces will do whatever is necessary to prevent a potential Civil War. We have no agenda in Frusenland, except preventing anymore senseless deaths."

When asked about the ties to terror, that Cobra has historically had, Baroness DeCobray laughed it off, with the comment, "Were not the Revolutionary Forces of General Washington called Terrorists by the English? It is all a matter of perspective, I suppose. However, we have moved well past that phase of our existence. Our very presence as Peacekeepers in Frusenland should show that. Cobra has not attacked anything approaching a 'Civilian' target in a decade. Can the United States Government make that claim? During the recovery from the world wide flooding, Cobra forces circled the globe, lending assistance to help devastated countries recover from the actions of the Decepticons. Many of the so-called Super-Powers stayed at home, and only helped their own citizens..."

We will have to wait and see what the future holds, both for Frusenland, and for Cobra.

May

May 12 - Concrete Jungle

The news the past few days seems to be centering around the exploits of our two favorite billionaire twins. The pair have been seen recently, almost daily exiting Extensive Enterprises and heading directly to the New York municipal district. Early speculative reports seem to suggest the two, as well as a dozen fellow business law professionals are engaged in one massive game of chess with the city and are apparently trying to buy out large sections of Spanish Harlem. To what end? We have yet to find out. As of now the state and city officials seem to be holding the twins' and their legal eagles at bay.

When asked for a statement, the two moguls supplied this answer. "We at Extensive Enterprises are always looking for new and exciting ways to grow our portfolio as well as provide a better life for the citizens of the world. Are we going to buy this property? Yes... Then we will give it back to the citizens who live here after we... chase out the filth."

June

June 23 - "Rumble at Rodeo Drive"

the following clip has been posted to the internet anonymously*

The feed begins with what appears to be cell phone footage of the Dinobot known as Grimlock speaking to a group of human civilians. The Sound quality is pretty choppy and there seems to be gusting winds drowning out what can be heard. At about the four minute mark Grimlock whips around, remarks loudly to a small human child before looking into the sky and taking a hard barrage of laser fire. A DecepticonSweepcraft <Scourge> descends and the two Cybertronians engage in a fierce battle, transforming several times. Both weapons fire and physical blows. Grimlock seems to take the worst of the damage. The frame sweeps up into the skies as the sweepcraft takes to the skies away from the ground bound brute. The recording catches a familiar looking jet fighter colored in Red, White, and Blue <Starscream> circling above like a vulture. Back to the ground and humans scatter as the fighting takes on a feverish pace and the sweep abandons the aerial assault for straight up fisticuffs. Grimlock gains the advantage and in the end both combatants look utterly destroyed. The Sweepcraft retreats, the Dinobot watches the horizon and just as the confrontation seems over, a stun beam engulfs the Dinobot, who crashes to the pavement. The Red, White, and Blue jet comes into frame shifting to robot form and fires on the downed Dino at point blank range. A clawed T-rex arm darts up and rips open the Seekers gut, wires and fluid escaping the gash, sending the Decepticon to the ground.

July 07 - Breaking News - Massive Firefight

Reports are sketchy, but apparently a massive firefight is converging in Northern Canada - involving at least two gigantic robots (shot of Bruticus and a gigantic Galvatron). So far, the activity has stayed away from densely populated areas, but the scene threatens to spill over into more populated areas.

July 10 - Frusenland

Shots rang out in the early morning hours in what was apparently an attempt to subdue a crazed gun wielding man. Our sources say the man approached forces charged with guarding Interior Minister Gosta Holgersen and after a short conversation began to depart only to begin firing into the air erratically as he fled. A search for the man was begun and he was eventually tracked to a rooftop not far from the scene. It was at that time the protective guards began exchanging more gunfire with the man, no word yet on the outcome of the stand off.

Jul 17 - Extensive Enterprises

You tune into the Business Report, after a few short stock listings that chronicle the rise and fall of fictitious numbers that somehow dictate real-world assets, a report on global conglomerate Extensive Enterprises catches your ear.

In other news EE has made good on their last public statement, leveling what appears to be a rundown apartment complex that housed a long standing dojo on the ground floor. In its place the corporation is building a dual purpose facility said to be intended as a community center and housing for troubled youth. Though the New York zoning commission at first fought the purchase and demolition of the site, and the local neighborhood council waged an aggressive campaign against the project, it seems the outrage and strong opinion has faded as the true charitable nature of the undertaking was realized.

Giovanni and Giuseppe Paoli, the moguls behind Extensive Enterprises were not available for comment, but their appointed spokesman thanked us for our interest and assured us once the pair are available they will address the media.

Jul 17 - US Soldiers Cause Riot in Frusenland

Video footage emerges from Frusenland of what appears to be a peaceful protest gradually stirred into an out-of-control riot by members of the US military. Some more graphic footage includes injured, bloodied civilian protestors, crying and frightened children clinging to one another, and what appears to be a nasty physical altercation where Flint hits Tomax and Xamot in an apparently unprovoked attack. This footage is what's discussed on many major news programs, and appears to go viral on major news websites.

August

Aug 04 - Breaking News

Various news agencies have begun to follow a story out of the Western U.S. of a large metallic T-Rex, known to the world as 'Grimlock' fleeing south from the deserts of Nevada heading directly toward South America. Everything from cars to buildings being smashed through in an attempt to get there. Multiple local governments are calling for citizens to go to the nearest underground shelter or reinforced structure. Law enforcement and local militaries are forming to clear what seems to be the beasts path to lessen the threat. Even now politicians are rising up to glad-hand and denounce this 'Travesty.'

Aug 13 - Chupacabra Sighting

Hector Ramirez appears on the screen. "A young goatherd with a cellphone captured this image of what he claims is the Chupacabra, in Northern Mexico."

Hector Ramirez continues, "The goatherd claims this creature devoured nearly his entire herd. Investigators are being sent out to confirm the creature's identity."

September

Sep 03 - Beijing Airport

The major world news outlets report that a Decepticon has caused serious damage to Beijing Airport. Air traffic is being rerouted to other major Asian hubs in one of the longest and costliest flight delays in air traffic history. The Beijing airport was defended by an Autobot, allowing the airport to be cleared of travelers at the time of the destruction.

Pictures show Arcee and Illarion in close combat on the airport tarmac.

Sep 30 - Tonka at the PIT

Someone it seems, is back in the PIT of Gi Joe (CoughslipstreamCough) As it seems that someone has taken AIRTIGHT's vehicle, removed the plates and stuck it on THIs monstrosity:

October

November

Nov 12 - Live from Frusenhagen, Frusenland!

This is a Live report from Frusenhagen. Today, the country of Frusenland was the site of multiple protests against the Provisional Government, set up by Acting Prime Minister Franz Ackenheil, who in the recent elections, was elected as Prime Minister. However, his opponent, Acting Interior Minister Gösta Holgersen, has also claimed victory, claiming that Ackenheil's election was a fraud, and that there were many cases of election misconduct, including ballot stuffing, and that Cobra Unity forces were allowed to vote, en masse.

Most of these demonstrations were peaceful in nature, however a few of them turned violent, leading to clashes with both Cobra Unity Peacekeepers, and the Frusenland Defense Forces under Ackenheil's control. No lives were lost, but property damage was estimated to be in the millions.

More on this developing story, as information becomes available.

Nov 13 - More on the Frusenland Protests

Once again, Frusenland was the site of numerous protests, today, against the Provisional Government. These protests centered on the 'Cobra Consulate' in Frusenhagen, and most of the shouting was anti-Cobra slogans. The protests nearest the Consulate did not turn violent, but that is perhaps, because of the large number of Cobra Vipers that are known to patrol the inner walls of the Consulate. The protests a few blocks away did see a Police station hit with multiple Molotov cocktails, and three of the Frusenland Security Force members were hospitalized with second and third degree burns. Three protesters were killed by gunfire from the police station, in response to the Molotov cocktails.

Political experts in the State Department have responded, urging the Provisional Government to hold new, and this time completely fair, and open elections. They have also urged Cobra Unity forces to remain out of the internal political strife that is now rocking Frusenland. An un-named, high-level member of the President's Security Council said that if Cobra Unity responded, that the U.S. would be forced to consider sending in their own forces, to act as a balancing force, to prevent innocent loss of life.

More on this developing story as it breaks.

Nov 19 - Recap of Frusenland Riots

In recent days a series of political demonstrations have broken out across the country of Frusenland. These seem to be sparked by the recent elections in the country, which have left the supporters of the unsuccessful candidate feeling disenfranchised. Claims of voter fraud, ballot stuffing, and out and out intimidation have been laid at the feet of the organization who oversaw the election, Cobra Unity's Peacekeeping force. The election saw almost every anti-CU candidate defeated, soundly, at the ballot box, and citizens of Frusenland are not happy.

Most of these demonstrations have been peaceful, however, some have turned violent, and at least one, deadly. Last week, when the protests started, a Police Station in Frusenhagen, the capitol city of Frusenland, was firebombed. Over the weekend, a Pro-Cobra Unity rally was interrupted by Anti-Cobra Unity chants, and fisticuffs broke out. No serious injuries were reported in this outbreak. On Monday night, two Cobra Unity soldiers were injured, when their vehicle was surrounded, and protestors began to smash the vehicle with whatever they could get their hands on. The two soldiers were pulled from their vehicle and beaten with sticks commonly used in the herding of reindeer.

No statement has been released by Cobra Unity, the Frusenland government, or any other entity related to the situation, but from all reports, the mounting tension in the region is of great concern to American Government, and the President is said to be considering asking the United Nations to consider an additional Peacekeeping Force, to put an end to the violence.

We will bring you more as the situation unfolds.

-Associated Press

Nov 20 - Violence in Frusenland!

BREAKING NEWS**

We are getting reports that there has been an outbreak of violence in Frusenhagen, Frusenland today. A Pro Holgersen, Anti Cobra march led to shots being fired near the Cobra Consulate. Two Cobra soldiers were shot when they attempted to prevent the March from entering the Courtyard of the Consulate. The two guards were Range-Vipers, and we received word that they were shot, by high-powered rifle slugs. Our caller to the Frusenhagen office was female, and identified herself as Artemis. She said that the bullets were consistent with a Hunting Rifle, or a cheaper Sniper Rifle.

She declined comment on how the injured soldiers were doing, if they were even still alive.

When the soldiers were shot, three of Cobra's Rages were driven into the Courtyard, and parked in such a way that the protesters were unable to enter the courtyard. After the Rage's fired canisters of smoke and tear gas, the protesters dispersed, and Cobra Medical teams were able to reach their fallen soldiers. They were rushed inside the Consulate.

This brings the count of consecutive days of protest to 8. We are still not getting any response from Cobra, or the current Frusenland government on the protests themselves, just that they admit that the protests are taking place, and that they both hope that the violence does not escalate further. Gösta Holgersen denounced the violence, but claims that none of the protesters were armed, and therefore could not have shot Cobra soldiers.

We will bring you more as this story continues to develop.

--AP Beat Writer, Frusenhagen, Frusenland

Nov 26 - Frusenland Protests

Dateline: 6:45 PM, Eastern Standard Time, Frusenhagen, Frusenland

Today Cobra Unity forces and Anti-Government protesters clashed today in a series of standoffs. Three Protests, outside the city turned violent, and three Cobra Vipers were wounded when a IED (Improvised Explosive Device) exploded underneath the Arctic H.I.S.S. they were riding in and on. Cobra Forces responded, lead by a short female, later identified as Artemis. She lead a troop of Medi-Vipers and Range-Vipers to rescue the Cobra Vipers, and no sooner had they arrived, than the new forces started taking fire. Three bullets impacted Artemis' left arm, in a shower of sparks.

Insert stock footage of Artemis with her cybernetic arms showing*

Artemis pulled a pistol, and after identifying where the shots were coming from, returned fire. This caused a panic, and most protesters fled, however, armed protesters engaged in a firefight with Artemis and the Range-Vipers. This left two Range-Vipers dead, 3 injured, and 10 protesters were shot. 5 were dead before EMS could respond, 3 more died in transport. The final 2 are in serious condition at a local hospital.

Cobra Unity released a brief statement in support of Artemis' quick work in defending herself, and her troops, while also blasting Anti-Government Protesters for stepping up the violence.

They also announced a city-wide curfew starting at sunset, and ending at sunrise, for the foreseeable future, in response to the violence.

The Frusenland government, both the elected officials, and those who the protesters support have yet to release a statement.

United States officials have also failed to make any comments.

More on the situation as it happens.

December

Dec 02 - Shopping Centre Rebuilt

SPRINGFIELD, AUSTRALIA - Last week the ribbon was cut on the rebuilt Orion Regional Shopping Centre in Springfield, Queensland. Back in September the site was heavily damaged when a Decepticon rampaged through the area. Springfield's chairman, Tayla Harris, spoke to a large crowd of residents, praising the hard work that went into the rebuilding effort and the financial contribution from Shawn Berger, Jr that made it possible.

Dec 03 - Odd leaks in Metroplex?

Strange, small spots of oil have been spotted around Metroplex in the past day or two. Never in a place where someone could slip or hurt themselves, simply there. When wiped up, they usually appear within another day or two. The only clues so far is it is used... VERY used, and a brand of motorcycle oil.