Hi, I'm George Lucas. As some of you know, I created the Star Wars
saga. I hope you and your entire family have enjoyed it. Every day I
receive hundreds of letters of appreciation from around the world,
which I always try to personally reply to. It is truly an honor to be
the recipient of such heartfelt praise. I guess it means I'm pretty
important.

Life at Skywalker Ranch can get pretty hectic, but never so hectic
that I can't take a minute out of my busy schedule to communicate with
those who wish me well in my decades-long adventure to tell the tale
of Luke and his buddies. My commute via motorcade is a quiet one.
After arriving, I am shuttled via secret underground transit system
through twisting tunnels, past numerous "suicide checkpoints", beyond
dozens of hidden passageways, until at last I arrive in my
microwave-proof bunker 10,000 feet beneath the surface of the Earth.
Then I don my cape and headgear and settle down in a modest office to
conduct the day's business. My secretarial assistant Melvin serves me
Kool-Aid in a goblet shaped after the head of Mark Hamill.

The first order of business is to write personal replies to the many
letters I recieve. This is done on a rotation basis by one of my
interns. The second order of business is to spend hours and hours
surfing the "Internet". After a short break for lunch, which I spend
in the Chamber of Solitude with a mannequin of my ex-wife Marcia, I
devote up to fifteen minutes working on the screenplay for Episode 2:
"It's Vader!". A committee of Lucasfilm yes-men then rubber-stamps my
ideas, and Rick McCallum performs a dance. Afterwards I take phone
calls from my family members.

With the utmost discipline I cut off conversations with siblings,
girlfriend, or children, and it is back to web-surfing until 6:00.
It's not always long workdays here at Skywalker Ranch. Sometimes I
just take the afternoon off and stroll through the underground park,
attempting to befriend those in my employ, sometimes offering to
respond to a single question, sometimes inviting them to a
free-for-all game of Yahtzee. On other days, as the spirit moves me,
I lie down on the floor in the middle of my office and stay there
until nightfall.

Yet despite all this hard work, I cannot help but reflect on the
devotion of my fans. Their cheers have so insulated me from reality
that I can no longer bear to hear anything else. But how many of
their cheers do I really hear? Even as tape recordings of desperate,
awkward praises fill every corridor through the intercom system, what
of those who have not yet flattered me in person? What of those who
lack the resources to attend one of my many banquets or fetes, or
those who cannot afford the minimum tithe of 26% of their income to
become an honorary crony?

With that in mind, I am starting the George Lucas Fan Club. The
membership fee is a mere $800 per year, with a special discount for
Lucasfilm employees who make minimum wage. This is your chance to
show how much you really like me. Are you really a George Lucas fan?
This is the only way to prove it. In return for the nominal fee, you
shall receive a photograph of me, a five-page annual newsletter, and a
behind-the-scenes book, "The Genius of George Lucas, by George Lucas".
In addition, all fan club members will be entered in a special contest
to be held in July, with the randomly chosen winner allowed to write
and star in their own scene to be inserted in the next special edition
of "Return of the Jedi".