Random thoughts from a carpetbagger living in the Great Republic of Texas

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

That's Entertainment

I have mentioned previously that we like watching the “House Hunters”shows on HGTV. St. Pauli Girl likes to check out houses while I get
a kick out of the people on it and their constant complaining about
needing an open floor plan. But what really gets on my nerves now is
that every couple proclaims something along the lines: “But we
entertain a lot” or “we really expect to entertain a lot and that
deck is too small” or “I really wish we had friends because this
would be a great house to entertain in.”

I understand what they mean. They
like/want to host dinner parties or plain old parties or just have
friends over for drinks. Just say what you mean. As far as I know,
I've never received an invitation to a night of entertainment, but
that could be because I'm very boring. I've been invited to parties
and dinner parties and although they have been fun, I wouldn't
necessarily consider myself to have been entertained.

So in case you are not sure if you are
entertaining or just having friends over:

A good rule of thumb is if you think
you could charge a cover charge or guests should bring a wad of
dollar bills, then yes, you can consider yourself an entertainer.

If you sing some songs, you're friends
will probably smile and politely applaud. If you put out a tip jar,
you're an entertainer.

If you give a ten minute monologue of
jokes, it just means you waste a lot of time on the internet. If you
provide a backing laugh track, you're an entertainer.

Hosting a game night is not
entertainment. I'm a sore loser so if I win, I might have been
entertained; if I lose, I've just wasted a night of my life. And I
probably won't come back.

Cooking dinner in an open kitchen does
not make you an entertainer, especially if it involves Brussels
sprouts. Flipping food in a pan over massive flames, hand tossing
pizza dough, and/or juggling bottles of liquor does not make you an
entertainer unless you charge me $100 to sit there and watch you. And
I'll probably want a refund at the end of the night.

Now that we've settled the difference
between entertaining and having friends over, I would like to
announce my new career: Power Broker!

We were lucky enough to watch a new
show on HGTV last night called “Power Broker.” Now I'll admit we
missed the first fifteen minutes of the show, but essentially the
Power Broker is a guy who gives a list of homes for sale to a young
couple and helps them pick an offer price. Now this may vary by
state or country, but the thing that's still great about realtors is
that they handle all of the contact with the seller or buyer so you
don't have to.

But the Power Broker doesn't do that.
He tells the buyers to make an offer and let him know what happens.
When the offer isn't accepted, he tells the buyers to write an
emotional letter to the sellers. After the deal is done and the
contractors start remodeling the house, he stops by and takes the
head contractor out to dinner.

This would be like calling myself Power
Surgeon then going into the operating room and telling the real
surgeons: “yeah, the appendix is somewhere down there in the gut.
You might want to start with a scalpel. Good luck. Hey, who wants
to go out for pizza after this?”

But why be a Power Surgeon when I can
just be a Power Broker? So if you're looking to buy a house, give me
a call and I will:

Give you a list of three houses
in your price range. And they just might be somewhere in the area
you want.

Suggest a good starting offer
after examining the market and randomly picking a number out of my
head.

Wait for you to let me know what
happens with your offer

Tell you how stupid the sellers
are when your offer is turned down.

Forget to tell you that you'll be
on television and maybe you should take a shower and wash your hair
(this would have been good advice for last night's episode)

Advise you to go vandalize the
house as the sellers will then have to lower their price.

Advise you to write and record an
emotional song plea to the sellers then tell you to stand on their
lawn with a boombox over your head blaring the song over and over
until they break down.

Take your contractor out to
dinner.

Collect my fee from you including
reimbursement for taking the contractor out to dinner.

The show wouldn't bother me so much if
they didn't call it Power Broker. That guy's about as powerful as my
cat picking out houses by deciding where to poop on the newspaper.
But I guess it was easier than calling it “Some Guy Off the Street
Whose Bald Head Makes Him Look Powerful and Once Bought a House so He
Sort of Knows What It's Like.”

Oh, Dexter, you don't even want to get me started. It would take me pages upon pages to clarify how fabricated most of the HGTV real estate shows are. Not that I don't watch them and enjoy them but still...they aren't accurate either.

I have been a Realtor for 27 years and not once have I just told clients to take care of their own transaction and get back with me.

Mike Aubrey is annoying. I pretty much had my fill of him on Real Estate Intervention.

As for buyers...Everyone says that they want a house for entertaining even if they host one dinner a year. They also want granite, stainless steel and hardwood floors. They, want it decorated like a catalogue page, impecably maintained and listed nearly for free. AND oddly enough, when they do find a house that meets most of their demands they will end up buying the shitter down the street because it had a doggy door or a built in bar in the "man cave." (do I need to tell you how much I hate the phrase "man cave"??)

I knew you would have a good response! That reminds me how much I like "House Hunters International" where it's usually a young couple looking for an apartment with 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, on the beach or the water or in the city center and their budget is $800. The foreign realtor looks grim and says "They may have to compromise a bit."

It's all a bloody pose, anyway. When I was married (and even when not) I regularly had friends over for dinner or lunches...or a simple barbecue.

I suppose I became entertaining after a few scotches and red wines under my belt...but then, so did they! ;)

And oft times the houses my husband and I lived in (we used to renovate and then move on to the next one; and the pattern continued) or I've lived in over the years since my divorce wouldn't appear in Better Homes and Gardens or similar...but boy, great times were had; and if anyone didn't like the surroundings they found themselves in when they were guests in our/my home, or felt they were too snooty to mix in our/my company...we didn't want them in our circle of mates, anyway! Fancy houses and elite furnishings don't make the fun...the people do!

Good point. That reminds me of an annual college reunion I go to. In the beginning we had 1 keg of beer and maybe 1 bag of potato chips. Now it's fancy microbrews or liquors with all sorts of grilled meats, vegetables and desserts. But it's the same people and that's what makes it fun.

About Me

I live in a small town in Texas. I am the real America. I wasn't born in the republic which means I'm not really Texan. I do have a pickup truck but since it's a Nissan, I'm still not considered Texan. I only drive it when no one is looking. I'm a man without a country and a man without a car. I'm an entrepreneur but not a good one as I recently had to close down the family restaurant. But that makes me an economic expert. I can seriously blame the restaurant's closing on Obama, Cheney, NAFTA, Cash for Clunkers, TARP and even Bernie Madoff who never spent millions in my restaurant. Not even a dime.