My fourth priestly discernment meeting, which happened yesterday morning in between Pentecost liturgies, gives me goosebumps as I reflect on it. I realize that the questions I received were the questions of Spirit herself, that God was speaking through the voices of my five committee members (right there in Heidi Chapel) and I was being beckoned to answer God's questions from the depths of my vulnerable heart.The whole of the Pentecost season (which, thanks to the influence of Latin in the Roman Church, we call "Ordinary Time") is a time of just this kind of discernment, of radical listening. My Pentecost theme for Thealogical Lady will be "Spirit Whispers," and here I will invite myself and my readers to cultivate the ability to hear what Spirit says. To listen, ob audire, is to be obedient. Obedience is one of the vows that I have made as a Benedictine Canon, and obedience--radical listening--is something to which all Christians are called by baptism. Listening is a path of wisdom for any mindful person, that she might hear something greater and wiser than her own solitary voice.In reflecting on the Spirit-ed questions that emerged during my discernment meeting yesterday, clarity about my identity rose up. I am not merely Kate, responding to a diocesan priestly call; I am Sr. Kate, a vowed member of the Community of St. Mary of the Annunciation, responding to a religious priestly call. I wonder what further clarity will emerge from my next discernment meeting. In what ways will Spirit speak through the curiosity and concerns of my committee members? What will I hear, if I have ears to listen?

For the last couple of years, I've played a writer's game called LJ Idol. This writer's game has taken me from being a sorta-confident-about-my-writing writer to a full-fledged this-is-a-huge-and-indispensable-part-of-my-call-in-life writer. With the ninth and final season of this game scheduled to begin in March, I decided to give the creator/moderator of the game, Gary Dreslinski, the third degree. (I mean, an interview.)With over 300 writers playing last season, it's fair to say that this game has become quite popular, drawing back numerous participants from seasons past. Why did you start this game, and when did you realize that it had taken on a life beyond your imagining?In 2006 I was a couple years out from my divorce. There were a couple really rocky points where I was trying to figure out what exactly someone is supposed to do with themselves after being with someone for 10 years. It was a lot of spending time alone in my apartment with my cats! Which also means that I was spending time on internet, and on LiveJournal. My divorce was practically live blogged, from both sides, on LJ! Over the years, the place, and the people, really got to be a larger portion of my life. Definitely more than was healthy at times. But come on, who hasn’t been there? ;) I was at the point where, in order to get people on my Friends List to mingle, I came up with this idea for “LJ Fights!” I would match up people on my friends list and write a couple paragraphs about which one of them would win in a fight. This kept up until we had a winner. It was a completely silly idea, but people had some fun with it. When that finished, I wanted another project! A few years before, when I was heavily into the fanfic community, I had set up a game called “Fanfic Survivor” in which I tried to merge the two worlds that I loved. That didn’t work out so well. But again, people had fun and more importantly for this interview, I learned some important lessons! So I when I was trying to think of “What now?” I listed a bunch of names for projects. They weren’t ideas. They were literally just names. I was mostly joking about it when I set up the poll! One of the ideas was the name “LJ Idol”. For some reason, that name stuck with me, and I literally woke up one morning and I *knew how to make the idea work*! LiveJournal is about writing and relationships. If you were going to have a competition, that needed to be at the core. Once I decided on how things were going to work, I pretty much announced “This is going to happen!” and put a sign-up sheet on my page. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but 9 people signed up for it. I got impatient and didn’t wait around to see if we could grab a 10th! It was pretty successful. But I got a lot of complaints about it being on my page. So one of my friends suggested we set up a community instead. I didn’t have the faintest notion how to do that. So she put the first page together for me, and the internet went downhill from there! :D The second part of “when did I realize that it took on a life beyond my imaging” implies that I didn’t imagine that it could be as big as it has become! Heck, I imagined that it could get a whole lot bigger! Seriously though, I think the tipping point for me was the start of Season 4. You see it happening in Season 2 and 3, but when we hit Season 4 the majority of people involved were people that I didn’t already know! Which I think played a huge part in how infamous that season ended up becoming!As a liturgist, the highly ritualized character of LJ Idol stands out for me. How long did it take before the basic ingredients for Idol's success became evident, and what are some of those ingredients? I’m glad you noticed that! Ritual is everything when you deal with something like this. People need to have a sense of place, and purpose. I like to think we manage that. I was still very much trying to get a handle on what this thing was in Season 1 and 2. If you look back, you will see the first Green Room didn’t appear until Season 3! I started them because people were commenting in the “Topic threads” and it was becoming difficult to locate the actual entries! Being that the entries are *the* most important priority, and people wanted to talk, I needed to come up with a separate area for that to happen. I took the term “Green Room” from the stage term for the area backstage where people can hang out between performances. There are definitely more, and they mostly came about from necessity. There was something that I needed to have done, so I had to figure out what it was, and how it was going to fit into the overall structure of Idol. The key to that is that making sure that the attention is on the writers themselves and not the construct. When things are going smoothly, you shouldn’t realize that the ride is in motion!Every major endeavor of one's life has the potential to be disappointing in at least some respects. Have you had any regrets about beginning/continuing Idol? Of course. I’ve definitely lost/damaged some friendships as a direct result of it. Some of it is the need to separate being “the guy who runs Idol” from “the guy who is your friend”. And of course some of it is that I’m human and get caught up and say something stupid! Again though, who hasn’t done that, and ended up paying the price. There are always regrets when it comes down to things like that. There is definitely the question of “if I put my attention to something else the way I did Idol, where would I be now?” Heck, if I monetized the process early on, which people were urging me to do – would I have been in a better financial situation over the years? Or would that, as I suspect, collapse the whole thing after a season or two? It seems odd to shut things down when Idol has become such a beloved pastime for so many of its participants. Why are you choosing to make Season 9 the final full-length season? Do you have any plans to hand off moderation of Idol to someone else? Taking the second part first: Idol started in my hands, and it will end in my hands. Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes is a hero of mine. He did his thing, and then he walked away. Some people respect that, and others make counterfeit C&H for your cars. You just have to hope that people honor what it is that you’ve created. When I did the interview that is featured in Idol Musings, I was asked how long that I could foresee Idol going. I answered as honestly as I could, at the time, and said that as long as I thought that I was able to add something to the conversation. Or something like that! ;) I still think that I, and Idol, can. On the other hand, I’m 42 now. Could Idol go on another 10 years? Heck, will LJ be around another 10 years? (The former is possible, the latter is extremely questionable.) I’m no longer that guy who lives in the apartment above and ice cream shop, hanging out with his cats. I’m engaged to a wonderful woman, who has a daughter. Season 8 was the first time that I’ve tried to manage both having a life and running Idol, and there were definitely some bumps in that road. COULD I figure it out? Absolutely. But before any of that happened, back before Season 7, I had made a decision that Season 9 should be the end. At the start of every season I would advertise, and I was seeing more and more people say “I’ll sit out this time. But maybe I’ll play next year!” without seeming to understand that I wasn’t promising anyone another year! So I would point out that if people weren’t participating, that I wasn’t just going to keep doing it! Season 7 marked the first time that I had ever promised future seasons. But it had that catch. I’ll admit, at that point, Season 9 seemed like a really long way around. Now that it’s here: I won’t lie, I’ve been back and forth with my emotions about it. There were 9 original contestants though, and I think if I am going to end this thing any time before I drop dead while posting a poll, that 9 is the appropriate number to go out on.Novices are as important to each season as the veterans. What can a writer expect from playing LJ Idol if s/he has never participated before? I love “newbies”! Every season is a little bit different, but just as a general rule what they can look forward to is writing at least once a week. Sometimes they will love the topic. Sometimes they will hate it. At some point they will learn the art of taking something you thought you hated and twisting it to the side just enough so it becomes something that inspires you to create something you may have never done on our own! I’d also say to expect “fear”! ;) Idol is very much a Rorschach. You are going to see what you want to be there, and hopefully be able to get what you actually need from the experience. You just have to come in open to it.Writers who are serious about their craft are likely to have an outlet for their writing already. What are some of the unique ways LJ Idol supports participants in their craft? Over the years, we’ve actually had quite a few professionals come through the doors of Idol. Which was a shock when it first started happening, but was certainly nice to see. I think the biggest support that Idol provides people of *any* skill level is that it gets them out their comfort zone. It doesn’t “make people think outside the box”, it’s a trash compactor that takes the box and pulverizes it. Writing on a regular basis makes you better. Spending time with other writers, and bouncing off ideas with them, makes you better. Idol is an extremely diverse community. If you don’t walk out of your time there having learned something about others, and yourself, you probably “did it wrong”! ;) As in any ritual situation, it helps if new participants have a sense of how to conduct themselves. What are your top three recommendations for "fitting in" in this game? Hmmm… just three? Off the top of my head I’ll say: Read other people’s entries and leave them comments. People love feedback. They are more likely to give you feedback in return and increase your visibility early on in the competition. Remember why you are here. People can get caught up in the competition aspect and lose their heads. It happens. At the end of the day, it’s about your writing. Share what you have, and let other people share with you. It will take you far in “the game”, and in life. Be open. To everything. There are twists and turns in the game. Some will seem dreadfully unfair. When they happen, go with it. Use the experience instead of allowing yourself to be distracted by it. Heck, that’s not “game advice”, that’s more “general life advice”. Then again, that’s why I put the twists in there. Because life is always going to find a way to sidetrack you, and make things difficult, and it’s rarely “fair”. I try to make my twists much more balanced than life does, but it’s the same general principle. :DLet's not forget about the nitty-gritty details: when does Season 9 start, what does a writer need to do to sign up, and where can a person go to find answers if s/he has other questions? Season 9 starts March 3rd. I will be posting a Sign Up sheet on site http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/ on that day! Sometime before that, I will also be posting a FAQ. But if there is anything not covered there, you can also ask me directly clauderainsrm@gmail.com.

My baby crawled for the first time today. Her dad and sister and I cheered her on wildly as if she had just hit a grand slam. (The first object she went for was a crinkly package of baby wipes; the second was a major league baseball. Yes, a little music and a little baseball confirm that she is our child.)I feel like her--inching forward, reaching for that which I behold, struggling little by little with every bit of my strength to get where I'm going. With her, it's a down-on-the-ground, whole-bodied struggle. With me, it's a battle raging within me over a single, burning question: whether or not I qualify as a leader. (Weird inner battles, I'm good at them.)I'm not an alpha female. I know women--amazing women--who are alpha types. I admire them, but I'm not one of them, nor do I have any desire to be one. This obviously precludes me from assuming any role of religious (ordained) leadership.I still hear this call to leadership, though, which makes my eyes cross. Come on, Goddess. Non-alpha types don't make leaders. The whole notion is absurd. How can I be a leader when I'm the one who's always been in the background, observing more often than herding? When I've been told to my face that I'm not a leader? Leadership roles in my case seem (as my medically trained hubby would say) contraindicated.Conveniently, I've never had to grapple with this before, because I've always belonged to a tradition in which I would never have to take seriously (or be taken seriously regarding) my call to religious (i.e. ordained) leadership. Now I'm about to be received in a tradition that does, and I'm flailing like my infant daughter. How am I supposed to get where I'm going if I don't have the juice to do it?For fun, I decided to humor my Lady Goddess and google "characteristics of a leader." I found this list.

Proactive vs. Reactive The exceptional leader is always thinking three steps ahead. Working to master his/her own environment with the goal of avoiding problems before they arise.

Flexible/Adaptable How do you handle yourself in unexpected or uncomfortable situations? An effective leader will adapt to new surroundings and situations, doing his/her best to adjust.

A Good Communicator As a leader, one must listen...a lot! You must be willing to work to understand the needs and desires of others. A good leader asks many questions, considers all options, and leads in the right direction.

Respectful Treating others with respect will ultimately earn respect.

Quiet Confidence Be sure of yourself with humble intentions.

Enthusiastic Excitement is contagious. When a leader is motivated and excited about the cause people will be more inclined to follow.

Open-Minded Work to consider all options when making decisions. A strong leader will evaluate the input from all interested parties and work for the betterment of the whole. Resourceful Utilize the resources available to you. If you don't know the answer to something find out by asking questions. A leader must create access to information. Rewarding An exceptional leader will recognize the efforts of others and reinforce those actions. We all enjoy being recognized for our actions! Well Educated Knowledge is power. Work to be well educated on community policies, procedures, organizational norms, etc. Further, your knowledge of issues and information will only increase your success in leading others.

Open to Change A leader will take into account all points of view and will be willing to change a policy, program, cultural tradition that is out-dated, or no longer beneficial to the group as a whole.

Interested in Feedback How do people feel about your leadership skill set? How can you improve? These are important questions that a leader needs to constantly ask the chapter. View feedback as a gift to improve.

Evaluative Evaluation of events and programs is essential for an organization/group to improve and progress. An exceptional leader will constantly evaluate and change programs and policies that are not working.

Organized Are you prepared for meetings, presentations, events and confident that people around you are prepared and organized as well?

Consistent Confidence and respect cannot be attained without your leadership being consistent. People must have confidence that their opinions and thoughts will be heard and taken into consideration. Delegator An exceptional leader realizes that he/she cannot accomplish everything on his own. A leader will know the talents and interests of people around him/her, thus delegating tasks accordingly.

Initiative A leader should work to be the motivator, an initiator. He/she must be a key element in the planning and implementing of new ideas, programs, policies, events, etc.

But... I am/do all of those things when it comes to something I care about and am deeply invested in. So...Moi? Leader?I'm not an alpha leader. I'm a servant leader. I lead by example. I'm dazzling and inspiring in a different way. Folks don't generally want to be me--they want to be around me. When I live out my (rather awesome) ideals, I am at the service of others, rather than in charge of them. That's how my leadership manifests.I've just never formally thought of leadership, especially religious leadership, like that. Now that I see it at work at St. Augustine's, however--a context which has become my context, rather than remaining someone else's--it makes a surprising amount of sense.Tune in again soon for more from the M. Kate Meets Her Vocation show!

I made my oblation to the Benedictine Canon Community of St. Mary of the Annunciation this morning. You know me--I like it when timing is more than a coincidence. The Prior of the OSBCn Community here in Tempe allowed me to schedule my oblation for the third Sunday of Advent, not only signifying a heart-opening beginning, which is what Advent is in relationship to the liturgical year, but also signifying a time of rejoicing. The Latin Introit for this Sunday is where Gaudete Sunday, the third Sunday of Advent, gets its nickname:Gaudete in Domino semper: iterum dico, gaudete. Modestia vestra nota sit omnibus hominibus: Dominus enim prope est. Nihil solliciti sitis: sed in omni oratione petitiones vestræ innotescant apud Deum. Benedixisti Domine terram tuam: avertisti captivitatem Jacob. Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice. Let your forbearance be known to all, for the Lord is near at hand; have no anxiety about anything, but in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. Lord, you have blessed your land; you have turned away the captivity of Jacob.Could there be a more fitting liturgical opening on the day of my entrance into this community?When I pray today, I find myself saying in faith, Rejoice. Rejoice. The Lord is near at hand. She is near at hand, and you need have no anxiety about anything, but in all things, by constant prayer, and with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to Her. Lady, you have blessed your creation and turned us from our deadening captivity.It is a fitting day indeed. It is an empowering day. Today I committed to the regular work prayer, and I find in that prayer the freedom to transcend my self-concern. Each welcome from the members of my community was a tap-tap-tap on the still stony shell around my heart, bidding it to break free. To stretch out my arms, to enfold sisters and brothers and neighbors in love: these are my new tasks. What a strange gift. What a novel reminder of my baptism. What a poignant icon of the divine spark that finds fuel in my humanity.I feel more fully myself today than I ever have in my life. Here in this place, accompanied by my family, my church community, my sister and brother Benedictines, and my holy cloud of witnesses from every part of the earth and God's heavenly banquet, I am home.

The Prior of St. Mary's of the Annunciation Benedictine Canon community has invited me into a conversation about how I'm hearing God's call to become a Benedictine Canon, and I find myself spilling over with words. When this happens (and it happens rather often, when I have something important on the brain), my best shot at organizing my thoughts is in writing. First, a note about vocation: to hear your life's call is to discern your vocation. Consider the Latin root of vocation: voca-tion, voca, vox, voice. To hear a call is to hear someone's voice. But how do I hear God's voice? What makes this a great question is that there is no straight or literal answer in my case. "God's voice" is a metaphor for the human voice. When God calls me, God isn't picking up a telephone in the heavens. When God calls me (or you, or Jesus, or anyone) God's doing something else. And since God's not doing the same kind of calling that I do, I'm listening to God in a different way than I would listen to someone else. I shared with the Prior my confidence that the Canon life is one to which I'm hearing God's call. So if God didn't call me on the phone or text me or leave a note on my Facebook timeline or tweet me or comment on one of my blog posts, what did God do to inspire this confidence?Fact is, it's not just about what God does--it's about what God does in relationship with me. Below I've identified four ways (though not the only ways) in which God "calls" me:1) Through scripture. The life of a Benedictine Canon is one of prayer with scripture, especially prayer with the psalms. One of the ways I know God speaks through my prayer is that I change. My pace slows. Familiar words and phrases tingle in my skin and subconscious. The words both resonate with me and challenge me, but I am always safe in them, safe to risk opening my heart to them. This safety isn't related to the words of scripture alone, though--they're related to the way I join this community in praying them. Which leads me to the next three ways in which God "calls" me.2) Through the rhythm of daily life. Benedictines pray a lot. When the bell sounds for prayer several times a day, Benedictines cease all else to pray together. In this regularity, it would be possible to feel trapped or shackled. When I pray during the regular prayer times of this community, however, I feel like I've entered the rhythm of a familiar household. Because all members of this community are held to the same expectation, it becomes a ritual as close to me as changing diapers, preparing formula, or playing with my daughters. It's necessary, it's beautiful, and even when it interrupts, it is a comfort.3) Through the voice(s) of the community. This may be the biggest piece for me at this point in my life. It is clear that to be part of this community is to be equal to each member in dignity and respect. I am not regarded as lesser because I am a woman. I am not regarded as lesser because I am a lay person. I am not regarded as lesser because I am married. Each member brings her or his own gifts to the community, and those gifts are habitually lifted up, rather than quashed. The way each community member interacts with me demonstrates to me that I stand eye to eye with each one--not the same as any other, but loved and embraced in the same way as every other. God's presence manifests in these beautifully broken people.4) Through my very body. Over thirty-one years, I have developed a keen sense of when I am safe and at home, and when I am threatened and in danger of harm. As a deeply sensitive body, when I enter a new religious situation or context, my entire self attends to whether my situation is harmful or loving. In this community my guard rests. Last night, when we were physically gathered together as a community, I prayed to the Lord instead of the Lady for the sake of unifying our voices in prayer. That unity did not threaten my devotion to God as Lady, but rather left an open door for that devotion. I trust that in this context that door will not be closed or locked, as it has been in most of my previous religious contexts. In this community, I am able to hold the diversity of the community close to my heart, without fear of it swallowing me into anonymity and dignity-destroying submission.God doesn't call me the way others usually call me, but God makes her call known. I perceive God calling me to this community inasmuch as this community, like God, challenges me to transcend myself without losing my sense of safety or integrity. This community, also like God, accepts me as I am without first rendering me or others inferior. Finally, the rhythm of this community, like God's rhythm in my life, is familiar, persistent, and rich--like coming home.The call to enter the Canon novitiate is as audible and clear to me as the bell that sounds each prayer hour into being.

Tonight I began my evening prayer by lighting the candles of my family's menorah while chantingO God,come to my assistance.Lady, make haste to help me.Glory to the Mother,and to the Daughter,and to the Holy Spirit,as it was in the beginning,is now,and will be forever.Amen.I read the reflection of the day from St. Augustine's Advent devotional booklet, and then I turned to the light of the Chanukah candles. The rest of my prayer took the form of awe in that gentle light.