Musings and stories from a 40-something year old slut newbie

Month: May 2016

Ok, first off, I don’t ever regret sex I choose to have. Even when it isn’t good. Even when maybe I wasn’t that into it. Regretting sex would be like…regretting that I ate the cookie that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. Not really something worth focusing energy on.

BUT, a little while ago I posted this. And I’ve been thinking about the “go with the flow” type sex. And I’ve done that. Not in the “I don’t want to offend this guy by saying no when I really want to say no” type way. But more…”this is awkward and not that sexy. Will it get better? It’s not getting better. Do I call it or just see if more effort makes it better?” type sex. And, you know, it almost never gets better if it’s awkward. Sex can get better from “good”. It doesn’t get better from flat out awkward. At least not in my experience. I’m starting to pick up on signs that it will be the awkward sex. And one commonality seems to be, for me, that I start chatting with someone, enjoy him “enough” by chat, and then agree to plans that day/evening because we both happen to have it free and I’m horny.

Yesterday I found myself doing this. I’d exchanged a message or two with the guy the night before. But mostly was messaging yesterday. And he was interesting enough. I suggested meeting by his place (it was on my way home) for a drink. He suggested a walk. I don’t *need* a drink. But I do find walks, often, are awkward. I asked if he had condoms if we decided to take things back to his place. He didn’t. And that’s when the lightbulb went off…this guy isn’t used to this kind of thing. He might be a great guy. But he’s not used to sex with a virtual stranger. And while nothing about the guy seemed creepy…I felt like “been there, done this. There is almost 0% chance that this ends in good sex. It’s rushed. It’s awkward. And it’s with someone who doesn’t know the basics of casual sex…like, having condoms on hand” (I usually have condoms somewhere in my bag. Didn’t yesterday).

So, I cancelled. And he was confused and obviously annoyed (though, seriously, I cancelled within about an hour of saying I’d meet. I don’t buy the reasoning that you moved things around for me. And even if you did, I wasn’t comfortable. So that’s enough). He wasn’t a jerk. Just didn’t understand. I tried to explain and he accepted it. But still made his annoyance clear. I did say maybe we could meet during the day on Saturday. We’ll see. I don’t know. I didn’t like that he wasn’t more understanding of my cancellation. If a guy cancels on me, I never guilt trip him. If he doesn’t enthusiastically want to have sex with me, then that’s enough reason to not push things.

So I texted a guy I’ve seen a couple times before. He needs a nickname. I’ll call him the Baseball Player b/c he’s in some kind of fairly serious, but not pro, league. Baseball Player immediately texted back. He was getting off work at 7. Could come over…and we had awesome sex. Our sex is rather vanilla in many respects, but we do have awesome chemistry and I like how his body works. Sex with him is reliably amazing. And it was comfortable. And easy. And enjoyable..

So I’m happy I took a step back from the first guy. It’s not easy to say “no, I don’t want this” when it’s not a strong “no”, but more of a “I’m not that excited about this” no. But it’s good to do it.

I was just asked this on a dating app by someone I didn’t feel like responding to. It’s what I’ve decided (for now) to label myself where sex is on the table.

The easy answer is…I consider myself “straight”, but human attraction and chemistry isn’t based solely on genitalia, so if I’m attracted to a woman, that’s completely understandable and, if the attraction is mutual, there is no reason not to act on it.

So why don’t I go with “bi”? well, I don’t think I’ve earned that. Not because of lack of experience. But because I haven’t had to identify that way to anyone outside my bedroom. I get all the benefits of being heterosexual in society.

So, to me, heteroflexible feels like a comfortable label. I don’t get to co-opt someone else’s legitimate struggle for acceptance. I haven’t earned that right to ask for that level of acceptance within the LGBT community. Maybe someday I’ll do more than have sex with a woman and have to deal with the ramifications of dating a woman and then maybe I’ll have earned the bisexual label. But not yet. I don’t get that badge.

The funny thing is, if a guy said to me that he had had sex with another guy and enjoyed it, I would raise my eyebrow if he didn’t just accept he was bisexual. I don’t know if that makes me a hypocrite, or if I’m just recognizing that FF sex is less transgressive in our society than MM sex.

What else I’m sick of? That I have to deal with racism, sexism, and rape culture from the left. That I’m not believed that these things are things. Even when prominent journalists are writing about their own dealings with these things. I’m sick of the “but Sanders’ supporters don’t know if someone is real or a Correct the Record person”…you know what? I don’t even know if a yelp review for pizza is real. Really? You don’t know if someone online is real or not and that’s scary to you? If anyone ISN’T hiring a PR firm to do online commenting when local pizza places are doing that, then, well, let’s face it…everyone is doing it. And if they aren’t? Know what? You’re lucky if that’s your biggest concern and the idea of being doxxed isn’t really even on your mind.

But, this is important and I will keep on fighting for women to be vocal and believed. Even though I’m sick of it.