28.11.10

A patient who is actually patient at our ward but was at the Intensive Care Station was making trouble over there.
One of our Docs should go there and have a look.
Doc: "They want me to come over and calm her down! But I'm in the mood to wear her down!"

We were talking about a super nice and very cool Doc who is together with a Nurse who seems to be grumpy all the time.
Someone said: "Why are they together? I seriously don't get it.."
My colleague grinned and said:
"The golf ball and the garden hose.."
I started laughing instantly even though I had no idea what he meant.
Later he explained to me, that this was a quote from a film in which a woman can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Haha.

The ward round was over.
A patient smiled and said to the Doctor: "Get well soon!"
He looked surprised and said: "Yes, thank you."

One of my favourite patients (yes, I have some)
talked in the ward round about voices he hears in his pituitary gland and that in 1985 he wrote a letter which only consisted of one sentence: "Dear god, your R. does not have any feelings left."
He also stated the idea that catholics could be confused with communists.
Later he said:
"If you dream.." and stopped. I thought this sounded very philosophical.

One day I wore a white tunic which is pretty long over my jeans.
A drunk patient said to me:
"Put your shirt into your pants!" (like old people do often..)
and I thought:
"Dude... At least I wear pants!"
He was naked.

Today we got the timetables for our exams next week
and my dear fellow Nursey I. and I have our exam on 12:30.
Tiny: "That's a good time actually."
I.: "Yeah, so I have enough time from 8:00 till 12:30 to shit bricks."
Tiny: XD

19.11.10

I was in the hallway of the closed ward with a young patient. Two craftsmen came in to repair a door.
He was like: "Ey, ey, ey who are these guys?"
I replied: "Craftsmen."
He: "Gay! They are gay! Gay craftsmen!"
I said: " You plonker.."

16.11.10

Doctor: "Oh come on, why is this patient back here again?"
Nurse: "Because he is suicidal."
Doctor: "Oh, I could totally do that for him..."

I picked something up from the floor a few days ago, so my shirt revealed app. a centimeter of my back.
Patient: "Hey, hey, hey! You've got a tattoo!"
Tiny: "No I don't."
Patient: "Of course you have!"

12.11.10

M. said to the Doc: "Male patient, status post...homelessness."
The patient screamed and yelled all the time: "All the doctors wanna sleep with me! Even though I'm not tired!
This whole perverted fornication here.. Every doctor is looking for gay sex! Look it up on the internet!"

When I gave him a pair of socks (because he had none) he became my relational care patient.
He called my "the scholar" all the time and "Miss Tiny". My colleagues made fun of me ;)

Another patient (who claimed to be the son of Prince Charles, the husband of Princess Stephanie from Monacco, the boss of the German Bank, a member of Interpol and some more things..) screamed at me because he simply didn't like females.
"Putain!"
It's been a while since I learned French in school but I do know what that means..
Tiny: "If you think you have to call me names, you can leave the room immediately and forget your dinner!"
He looked surprised and mumbled: "I said python.."
Tiny: "Just shut up.."

10.11.10

A patient suffering from depressions said at the ward round:
"I wanna go home. I'm not sick anymore."
Doctor: "So what are you going to do at home?"
Patient: "I don't know. Maybe I will throw myself in front of a train."