Flashes of insight from the Everyman. Weekly observational posts. Part comedy, part philosophy, part temper tantrum, Lightning Bug's Butt is always good for a laugh and/or a place to send your hate mail.
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9/12/2005

A hurricane by any other name

I don’t know who’s naming our hurricanes, but they should try harder. Hurricanes can kick your ass. They’re the Samuel L. Jackson of atmospheric phenomena. They’re Shaft after he “befriends” the white woman and learns his trusted detective at the precinct just got clipped. Shaft! Hurricanes are that tough. And it stands to reason hurricanes are tough SOBs; they usually originate around Puerto Rico. And we all know how well Puerto Ricans fight! I’d rather douse myself in steak sauce and wrestle with Cujo than trade blows with a Puerto Rican -- even one half my size, which many are.

But back to hurricanes, we don’t name them appropriately. Consider the two most damaging in our recent past: “Katrina” and “Andrew.” Katrina and Andrew? That sounds like the yuppie couple who live in a Manhattan condo and tell everybody how Feng Shui changed their lives. No wonder nobody evacuated when they had the chance. Would you flee from Katrina and Andrew? I know I wouldn’t sweat it -- unless I had to attend their cocktail party fundraiser for Hillary. Incidentally, I think Hillary is a fine name for a hurricane. That name horrifies me.

Katrina and Andrew hurled lightning, dumped oceans and blew thunder onto our cities, exacted billions in property damage and left wakes of carnage in their paths. It looked like a whole gang of Puerto Ricans ripped through town after attending a rum-fueled cockfight. We do the public a disservice when we name our hurricanes after Ivy League pussies from New England. What’s next? Hurricane “Sol?” Hurricane “Eugene.” Run! Hurricane Eugene is coming. His mighty winds will disorganize your federal income tax documents just before April 15th!

How about “Hurricane Bruce?” “Hurricane Stretch?” “Hurricane Clint?” Something macho like that. Let people know they need to get the hell out of the way. I don’t know about you, but I’d change zip codes in a hurry if my city were expecting Hurricane Duke. I’d be scratching at the door like Kobe’s hotel dates (I know. I've used that one before. I just love it!). Let me the hell outta here!

Have you been following the politics swirling around Hurricane Katrina? Evidently, racism played a part in the destruction and loss of life. Yeah. Lo and behold, even hurricanes are racist! I don’t want to get controversial, but I have to ask. If hurricanes (and the Republicans who create them!) are racist, why don’t they head for the coast of Africa? That seems like a target-rich environment, as long as you avoid the South Side. Seriously, why would a racist hurricane target New Orleans? Applying the logic of political pundits, one could assert Hurricane Katrina is prejudice against crawdads, or drunk college co-eds with no bras! It doesn’t follow, people.

In conclusion, we should give tough-guy names to hurricanes. Puerto Ricans know how to fight and crawdads and sleazy co-eds need to go back to Mississippi.

I agree. I did see that kanye west said that president bush hates black people. I can't stand our president but come on. It reminded me of when chris rock spoke about bush and the war in iraq during his hbo special. How bush is doing things magically to take everyones mind off the war. He said a few things like, bush made that girl go to kobes room that night, bush was doing paris hilton in that video, in order to take everyones mind off the war. So this would be funny to say that bush is creating large storms and wiping out whole states, so we all forget about his stupid war. I heard this as well is it true? that bush turned down the funds to repair the wall/levee around lousiana a while back? If so, that bastard.

Sorry LBB, they're shipping all the crawdads and sleazy co-eds to Texas! "Cause you just KNOW how TOLLERANT them folks are! Laf, speaking as one that is!I concur on the whole Fighting issue, and also have to say that I probably wouldn't be all that scared of Hurricane Muffy, Buffy or Johnathan. They just don't strike me as being all that intimidating. How about Brutus, Bubba or Clem?

how come torondos don't get names, they do a whole lot of damage too, they even taken down towns. i think torondos are worst than hurricanes at least with hurricanes you get days of notice with torondos no such luck my friend :)

Someone suggested Simmons. I would hafta run from Hurricane Richard Simmons. He's just about scary.

Did you guys catch him on TV recently? He was down (no surprise there) in the Hurricane area because his brother lives there.

And there he was, on the street, looking for his bro's house, and he was DRESSED IN THAT STUPID OUTFIT! You know that get-up he wears? Shorts, "muscle" shirt . If he were sincere he'd have been in real clothes, right?

Ya; know the reason the big shark in Finding Nemo is named Bruce is because that was the name given to the mechanical shark for the first Jaws...little movie trivia there...I want a hurricane named after me...Hurrican Heather...has a good ring to it doesn't it? I can reek some havoc beleive me....lol!

Way to go, LBB! If we're going to place blame, though, then Bush made the hurricane, but only after conniving with Carter, Reagan, Bush AND Clinton to make substandard levies so his hurricane would have a "real" target.

Sorry to sound conservative here, but, no wait, I'm NOT sorry - but dagnabit I wish people would quit blaming Bush!

Oh, and hurricane hillary would have my ass out of town so fast you could hear the air wizz by!

Other good ones: Hurricane Tyrell, Hurricane Mona (that just sounds mean!), Hurricane Butch, Hurricane Delilah.... they'd all make me sit up and take notice!

There's a Representative from Houston that's upset that more hurricanes aren't named after minorities. Like that's going to boost the self-esteem of some poor black kid for Hurrican Jamal to completely destroy his town?

I think they should have names like Spike, Lothar, Hanibal, Hagar, or Biggus Dickus.

A year or so ago (maybe 2?), my husband told me he heard in the news that some black people were offended that there weren't any "black" names being used to name the hurricanes---just thought that was interesting :o)