Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Last Cigarette

After all the promises I swore I'd never break, I find a cigarette between my unaccustomed lips and once again I promise myself that this will be the very last. Just like I promised myself two days ago. Just like I promised you a year ago. Just like I promised what my last cigarette was supposed to be.

"That doesn't look right between your fingers.." I'd been told before. I smiled. As long as I wasn't coughing my lungs out, and everything in the world seemed to not bother me for those few minutes, I didn't care what looked right between my fingers or my lips. I'd become used to the taste I first detested. Only because, I realized that for more than just a moment, it was only me and that cigarette and nobody else.

"I know you're hurting. I know that nausea-tic feeling in the pit of your stomach, that feeling in your chest when you find it hard to breathe, because the realization of what just happened is like this stone that forces your heart to sink into an ocean of memories that make you smile but the thought of them being in a past you'll have to move on from will always kill. I know what that jabbing pain feels like. That emptiness. I know... I just..." I waited for Priya to finish.. to trail off and not know what else to say. It was always the same old words.. Because there always came a point when no one could say anything and all you could do was let silence explain who you are to yourself.

A wise friend once told me, "Things, people, feelings.. They change all the time. Nothing remains the same. Perhaps, it's time we got over these constant expectations followed by disappointing heartbreaks that always only end in tears.. that are usually ours. I think it's time we lose this raging argument in our head against the false hope that there might be a good kind of love that we will find someday. Cause, it's just not happening. It's just not."

Suddenly I knew what I wanted to say to Priya.

"Ever felt like not knowing what that feels like? Ever felt like forgetting for just a minute.. No... For half of it even? Here, try one." A bitter smile tried to reach my eyes as I lit my last cigarette again...