Friday, March 10, 2006

Mike, sorry to tell you this, but we're going to have to let you go. It seems that since you haven't had a substantial effect on the music biz in quite some time, we're downsizing your position and replacing you with the grey-topped love-machine Taylor Hicks, currently seen on American Idol. His Wednesday evening ball-kicking rendition of "Takin' It To the Streets" clinched this decision for the entire Board of Directors.

What a Fool Believes is that he still has a job here. I Keep Forgetting [You Don't Work Here] Any More. You're now On Your Own. You are given Sweet Freedom from employment here. And so on, into diminishing returns.

Mike -- Mitch, bubaleh -- I've enjoyed your blue-eyed soul ministrations as much as the next guy, and the Doobies were just another shit-rock band until you tossed some Roland synthesizer-action up their sphyncters (Don't believe me? Go steal "It Keeps You Running" off the internets). But, the beard and bushy white hair thing have finally have got to go. Or, in the words of Paul Rudd in "40 Year Old Virgin," "Nothing against him, but if I hear 'Yah Mo B There' one more time, I'm gonna yah mo burn this place to the ground."

Time passes; H.R. cleans out the office and leaves 401k enrollment paperwork on the roll-ey chair for its next occupant...

O.K., Mr. Hicks, welcome to your new office. We hope you enjoy your time with the company. We look forward to seeing your contributions to "BlueEyedSoulMotownAppropriatorsCo." Here's a key to the executive washroom, and they serve tacos in the cafeteria on Fridays.