Before You Go: Transformers

Welcome back to “Before You Go,” the feature in which I tell you all you need to know about the big nerd movie opening tomorrow. This week: “Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.”

More Than Meets The Eye

Transformers began life as a toy line by Hasbro back in…oh Hell, I don’t know. I can’t do this. Transformers is one of the few nerd things that I never got into. Robots that change into cars and trucks and planes? How stupid is that? I guess I see the appeal — boys love robots, boys love trucks, why not combine the two? But while I do admire robots, I was never that into toy cars, and the cartoon didn’t look interesting either.

I know enough about Transformers to know it’s just plain dumb. There’s a planet where robots live and there are two races of robots and they hate each other and are constantly fighting? Does that make sense? Why are there two types of robots? Why don’t they like each other? Shouldn’t robots be above things like hate? I can understand robots hating humans or finding them inferior and in the way, but robots would have no reason to hate other robots.

But here’s the dumbest part: These robots can transform into vehicles from planet Earth. What? Why? Were these robots built by Henry Ford? Why would alien robots evolve the ability to switch into Earth-style cars, trucks and planes? It makes no sense.

They’re not even fun toys. When the first movie came out I was sent a Transformer. It included five pages of instructions on how to turn it into a fighter plane. I’m looking over the instructions and thinking, “this isn’t a toy, this is work.” I never did transform it into a fighter plane.