Step-parenting

Boyfriend's son doesn't know yet....

shanla26:
Hi parents! My boyfriend's son is coming home for spring break. He lives in another state. I'm sooo excited. I don't get to talk to him much because, like some of you are experiencing, his mother is irrational. She really wants me to have nothing to do with their son. Well now I'm pregnant. I will be 13 weeks by the time he gets here. I'm not showing at all or yet at least. We want to tell him but my boyfriend hasn't started the legal custody battle yet. There have been times where if the mother gets pissed she won't let my BF talk to his son and has tried to keep them from seeing each other. My BF's son and I none the less have a great relationship. When we do talk it's great! When we see each other I treat him as if he's my own. He doesn't talk about me when he's around his mother because he said he gets in trouble and she gets upset. So if we tell him I know he won't say anything to her. My BF is torn because he doesn't like to keep things from him. I told him it was his decision. My worry is that his son will tell someone like a friend or his teacher and they will automatically expect his mother is pregnant and it will still get back to her. Have are your thoughts? Or experiences?

If you tell your step son, it will some how get back to his mom. All I can suggest is that you get in there and file the custody documents as soon as possible. It is always better to be the applicant then the responder!

As for her being "touchy" about you and your step son having a relationship, eventually one day she will move on. But don't expect it any time soon. I think it took my boyfriends ex close to 2 years!!

Thanks for that. He's already got it set up. It's just that nothing has happened yet. It's just going to be interesting to watch his face crack when he comes back for the summer and sees a watermelon in my belly.lol Im sure he'll be excited but he's gonna want to know why we didn't tell him sooner. He's very logical and inquisitive.

Bit of advice....she might not eventually move on! I've been waiting over 5 years and nothing has improved.

Be warned about an emotional roller coaster with the stepson. If it is like our situation, the mom will start planting things in his head as soon as she finds out (and she will find out). So far this is what we are dealing with....

"If your Dad can afford another baby, he can give us more money""Your stepmom and her family will stop caring for you once the baby is born""Your Dad should have remembered he already has 2 kids and doesn't need any more""The baby will not be your real brother""Your Dad won't have time for you anymore with a new baby"

We also were taken for more child support the second she found out (but the case was thrown out because she is the only one who has gotten a raise and she didn't want her support lowered)

She says this to the kids as well as send text messages to my hubby with similar messages. My stepdaughter told me that her Mom always complains that our baby is due near her birth mom's birthday and she hopes I lose it. I have to sit with a smile on my face because if I don't act that way, then I become the evil stepmother just like their birth mom wants. Start planning ahead to kill the messages with kindness because the pregnancy hormones will make it impossible to think logically on your feet.

Once you can manage to deal with all of that drama, don't forget to make your stepson feel as involved as possible. Talk about his roles in the house and how needed he will be once his new sibling gets here.

I know you think he doesn't talk to his birth mom about you, but my stepkids get in trouble for mentioning us as well, but they get in more trouble for keeping "secrets" from their mom (they get rewarded for keeping secrets from us!). It's a sad situation and just try your best to make the child feel welcome for any emotion that comes his way. Good luck

It feels like I just read a response about myself to myself. The things your bio says are sooooooooooo similar to mine. And she's said things to him waaaaay before. Even though I get upset, I make sure I have a convo with my BF's son. Last summer, he was here with us and they(son and bio) were talking and he kept saying "Mommy she would never do that. Stop saying that." When I asked what was wrong he said she told him if I ever touched him in a bad way to let her know so she could put him in jail. This pissed me off! Especially being that I dealt with that as a child with a family member. So I talked to him about it and almost began to cry. He smiled and gave me the best hug a child could ever give. He said I know you would never do that. My mommy says mean things all the time about you but you never say anything bad about her. I don't know why she does that. I treat that little guy as if he were my own. We adore each other and I PRAY HARD it stays that way. That is my main concern. That she doesn't successfully destroy the relationship between him and his father and him and myself. We're, well, my BF is in the process of getting the custody battle right now so that's why we're hoping he doesn't say anything.

I have a nice relationship with BOTH of my stepchildren. It has been 5 LONG years with ups and downs, but I always treated their mom and them with respect regardless of what was happening at the birth mom's house. My stepkids are now 14 and 10 and while they may be awkward if they are under their mom's supervision, the second they are out of her care, I know they enjoy being around me. I think it is about as good as the situation is going to get with a lack of support from the BM.

That's just me. My stepkids always have and always will ADORE their father. They talk to him everyday or close to it. NOTHING that woman does can ever destroy that and I am forever grateful.

Each family has their own personalities, but I've always tried to remain the level-headed, honest, and reliable person in my home. It took a while for the kids to get used to it, but I know they appreciate it now. They both say and do things to let me know they appreciate me in their life whether it's coming to me for advice on personal situations, having their friends over, etc etc. I know I put on a good poker face because the youngest has said to me multiple times that she thinks I should "continue" trying to be friends with her Mom (little does she know that will never happen, but she thinks I'm trying!)

If things ever do seem to be getting worse, I highly recommend reading the book "Divorce Poision" It had a lot of tips on how to get kids to feel more comfortable around you when another adult in their life is making it impossible....and it doesn't say take them to court or call the cops! I really think it saved our household. Also, I don't know your entire situation, but we still go through cycles. Any time we have a big event (our engagement, wedding, and now baby), her bad mouthing gets worse. The kids behaviors get worse, and we have to do our best to make them happy while setting boundaries. I've found that this situation was the easiest to handle because we were finally somewhat prepared. We gave in to the fact that we cannot control what happens at the mom's house, but we have absolute control of what happens in ours and that was our only focus.

That IS quite comforting. It's pretty much the same. He's 6 and whenever we're around eachother it's a beautiful sight to see and feel. As I said I pray it stays that way. But your advise about not having control over his mom's house was good to hear(well read). I will try to keep that in mind and keep a cool head when things get bad.

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