THOUGH JUST A DAY PAST ITS SELL-BY, IT DOES SMELL A BIT IFFY.

KIWIS

I hate kiwis. And before you give me a job at the Daily Mail,* I’m not being racist. And don’t call the RSPB either, because I’m not having a go at them little furry wingless birds (which are ridiculously cute). I am talking, instead, about the little furry wingless fruit. And the first reason for my hatred of kiwis should be obvious by now: they are furry! Furry fruit! If this is the future I want no part of it.

The second reason behind my hatred of kiwis, however, is more important, and also applies to walnuts and pineapples: they are apt to leave an unpleasant, ineffable, painful sensation in the mouth. Just at the roof, and kind of at the back of the tongue. I’ve no idea why this happens, and I can’t be bothered to look it up (people, I am not overly busy – I am writing an article about kiwis for chrissakes – but such a thing would be a waste of even my time), but surely it does. Go on, eat a kiwi if you don’t believe me. Sure, they may be cute and furry, but they have an unpleasant bite. Drawing an analogy with an angry hamster at this point would be too obvious, so I’m not going to do it.

(Incidentally, I did look up the “why does kiwi hurt your mouth?” question on the interwebs, and came across someone asking the following on Yahoo Answers: “I ate six kiwi fruit, and now my mouth hurts. Why?” Six kiwis, ladies and gentleman. Just keep that in mind for a moment. I can’t decide whether that person is a hero or an utter, utter imbecile.)

The long and the short of it is this. Kiwis are furry fruit that hurts your mouth. Also, they look a bit like a monster’s vagina.