Mrs Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.

Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.

Mrs Cooper: Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.

Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.

Sheldon: But I wasn’t. ‘Cause I didn’t have any friends.

Mrs Cooper: No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.

Dr Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.

Sheldon: I was a handful.

Leonard: You still are. Uh, Mom, hey, tell Mary the story about how I made a Van der Graaf generator out of our vacuum cleaner.

Dr Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Howard: I mean, for a while, everything was vampires. Now it’s all zombies. I wonder what the next monster fad will be.

Raj: We haven’t had a good invisible man in a while.

Stuart: Clearly, you’ve never seen me try to talk to a woman.

Bernadette: Guys. In the time you’ve been sitting here playing video games, I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank.

Stuart: I put on pants.

Howard: Kiss-ass.

Bernadette: Okay, I don’t know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom.

Leonard: We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?

Sheldon: Oh, sure.

Leonard: It came from Tiffany’s.

Sheldon: You mean the box, right?

Leonard: Keep walking.

Penny: Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think.

Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring?

Leonard: Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers.

Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?

Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner.

Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.

Leonard: Yeah, you’re right. That is the term I’m looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler.

Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you.

Penny: We’re not in a rush. We’ll set a date when the time is right.

Mrs Cooper: It doesn’t matter, sweetie. The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord.

Dr Hofstadter: Uch.

Mrs Cooper: Uch? The bible is uch to you?

Dr Hofstadter: No, I’m sorry. That was inappropriate. As a psychiatrist, I know how important people’s superstitions can be to them.

Mrs Cooper: You want to talk about superstitions? Sheldon sent me the books you wrote, all that nonsense about superegos and ids. What bull dropped that on the barn floor?

Dr Hofstadter: His name is Sigmund Freud.

Penny: Hey, look at that. You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.

Mrs Cooper: Stay out of this.

Penny: Mm-hmm.

Mrs Cooper: At least the bearded man that I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.

Dr Hofstadter: It’s fascinating. How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you?

Mrs Cooper: I know the answer. You’re not gonna like it.

Dr Hofstadter: Try me.

Mrs Cooper: When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes. What is that supposed to mean?

Dr Hofstadter: : It means, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

Mrs Cooper: Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.

Penny: Why don’t we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.

Sheldon: It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.

Raj: Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship.

Howard: You’re right. It’s time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess.

Scene: A coffee shop.

Dr Hofstadter: I’m terribly sorry that I upset your mother.

Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.

Dr Hofstadter: I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.

Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.

Dr Hofstadter: But look how well you turned out.

Sheldon: I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.

Dr Hofstadter: I suppose.

Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.

Dr Hofstadter: Do you suppose you would’ve flourished more in a reward-based environment?

Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself, I always had to earn it.

Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I’m sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.

Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don’t have to earn my love.

Leonard: Thank you.

Penny: Of course, you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.

Leonard: That’s not what it is.

Penny: I know, I know. Zzzzzzzz.

Mrs Cooper: When your mom gets back, I’m gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.

Penny: Well, come on now, she did kind of start it.

Mrs Cooper: Doesn’t matter, a good Christian would’ve turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would’ve shot her, so, I just kind of split the difference. Hey, who’s in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?

Leonard: Oh, me.

Penny: Yeah, me, too.

Mrs Cooper: Coming up.

Leonard: I don’t really feel I deserve it.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Howard: That was a big sticky mess, but I think I got it.

Raj: Looks good.

Stuart: Yeah.

Bernadette: Look at that. You cleaned it up all by yourself.

Howard: Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself. Honestly, I don’t know why you complain so… okay, maybe I missed one spot. Just leave.

Scene: The apartment.

Mrs Cooper: I’m so glad that you and I were able to bury the hatchet.

Dr Hofstadter: Me, too. And I respect your right to your beliefs.

Mrs Cooper: And I will pray for you.

Leonard: Okay, Mom, let’s get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else.

Dr Hofstadter: One moment. There’s something I need to say to you.

Leonard: Oh, really? That’s too bad.

Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there’s more than one way to raise a child.

Sheldon: I taught her that.

Dr Hofstadter: Therefore, I would like to initiate a new protocol wherein I shower you with unconditional love.

Leonard: Wow. When does that start?

Dr Hofstadter: So needy. Come to Mommy.

Penny: It’s okay, go ahead.

Dr Hofstadter: Oh, my son.

Leonard: Oh, my mother.

Penny: Oh, my God.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette’s house.

Stuart (singing): It’s a hard-knock life.

Together (singing): It’s the hard-knock life for us, it’s the hard-knock life for us. ‘Stead of treated, we get tricked, ‘stead of kisses, we get kicked, it’s the hard-knock life. Got no folks to speak of so it’s the hard-knock row we hoe, cotton blankets ‘stead of wool, empty bellies ‘stead of full, it’s a hard-knock life.

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