WASHINGTON, D.C. Today the Pentagon released an advisory to all United States armed forces warning them against any act that “might be construed as being in any way tyrannical” against West Virginia resident and automatic rifle owner and outspoken Second Amendment enthusiast Jesse Bart Bucephelus, to quote the memo.

“Mr. Bucephelus sent us a clear message with the purchase of his assault rifle, and we are responding immediately and appropriately,” stated Rear Admiral Michael Smith of Carrier Strike Group Three from the flag bridge of the USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74), as he ordered the supercarrier and its escort of two guided missile cruisers, four stealth destroyers, one carrier airwing, and an unknown number of Los Angeles-class nuclear fast-attack submarines to “back away from and keep out of” the area of the Atlantic ocean that is within 100 nautical miles of the assault rifle owner’s landlocked home.

Additionally, Lt. Gen. Tod D. Wolters of the Twelfth Air Force confirmed that flight plans were altered for twenty F-15 Eagle fighters, twelve AC-130 Spectre Gunships, seven A-10 Thunderbolts, six B-2 Spirit stealth bombers, and the entire operational wing of seventy-six B-52 Stratofortress superbombers so as not to interfere with the airspace over or around the home of Mr. Bucephelus.

Taking no chances, the United States further ordered the immediate disarmament of all 5,113 of the nation’s nuclear warheads, as well as the discontinuation of its spy satellite and predator drone programs.

At press time, the U.S. House of Representatives was quickly and efficiently killing every single bill that could possibly be interpreted as a threat to the Second Amendment.