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} I'm afraid there's no help for you, your artistic abilities have} reached their top, and you will never be able to produce any} understandable ASCII-graphics. I propose you conform to the} neo-non-figurative-surrealistipre-modern school.}} You owe the oracle the original Mona Lisa in ASCII-format.} (Nah! better not.)

> Oh greatest oracle on earth (or even not on earth, for that matter),> I've heard that if you have a philosophy exam with the single question> "Why?", that you should answer it with "Because!".>> Why?

} Because.}} On account of. Owing to. Or due to. The reason that. Philosophy} searches for universals and. Because "because." is a universal answer} as much as "why?" is a universal question.}} The oracle condescends to elaborate on this, and explain why "because."} is an answer to any inquirer, by giving examples.}} 1. To the linguistic philosopher , "why?" means "why is ""because."" an} answer to ""why?"" ?" and hence the reply "because." merely means} "because ""why?"" is a question for ""because."" ." .}} 2. To the formal logician, the answer to "why?" is "because." because} if "why?" is replaced by the profounder "why???", "because." can} correspondingly be replaced by the profounder "because..." .}} 3. To the epistemologist, the question signifies "why do you think you} know you are ?" , to which the epistemologist has the apposite answer} "because.", which means "I speak ""because."", therefore."}} 4. For the oriental philosopher: The word "because." in Tibetan means} "why ""why?"" ?".}} 5. To the first year graduate student of philosophy, the question,} coming from the professor, means "why are you going to answer this with} ""because."" ?", the student's reply being "because only then can I} hope to become a prof and ask my students ""why?"" ." .}} 6. To the professor, the question signifies a query of the student :} "why must I write this shit to pass?". The professor's answer is :} "Because."

} You have inadvertently stumbled over one of the greatest secrets of all} time. Many people have long suspected that there is some sort of} conspiracy controlling the media, and this is indeed the case.} However, it is not the communists or the moonies or Intel that is doing} the controlling, as is usually suspected, but rather Julius Caesar.} Yes, the Roman emperor.}} Back then, as you probably know, the emperor was considered practically} a god, and as such was expected to live forever. Human belief is a} powerful thing, and occasionally if enough people believe something it} does become true. Hence Julius became one of mankind's few immortals.} However, the catch is that he would continue to live only so long as} people knew about him, and the best way to keep someone in the public} eye is through careful manipulation of the media.}} Even in his own time he was aware of the power of images to manipulate} belief. In fact his famous quote 'Vini, vidi, vici' (I came, I saw, I} conquered) was in fact 'Vini, vidi, video' (I came, I saw, I made a} mini-series).}} He ensured he would be talked about for ages to come by staging a} particularly interesting murder for himself (pretending to be dead also} gave him more time to work on his plans). Centuries later he got} Shakespeare to write a play about him, and the revised interest in his} life gave him a new burst of energy. He also had a salad named for him} about the same time, ensuring that diners for centuries to come would} have him in mind as they ate.}} Ever since then he has been more subtle, but the availability of mass} media now means he can reach millions of people almost instantly.} Consider the popularity of "Animal House" and it's famous toga party.} In one brilliant move Caesar had uncounted frat boys thinking Roman.} And today he almost completely runs the fox network, as can be seen by} the fact that the letters in "Charlie Hoover" and "The Simpsons" can be} rearranged to spell "Caesar is honor. Limp. Shov." This apparently} cryptic message means that Caesar, who considers himself the source of} all honor, is feeling weak and limp because people are not thinking} about him often enough. Therefore, the media must shove his image down} our throats with increased effort.}} Despite Caesar's multi-billion dollar media empire he never quite} grasped modern mathematics, hence his insistence that all movies and TV} shows be stamped with numbers he could understand.}} You owe the Oracle all thirteen episodes of "I, Claudius."

> Oh most wise and charismatic Oracle who understands even what Jesse> Jackson was thinking when he decided to run for President a SECOND> time, please answer my humble questions, the answers to which I have> labored for in vain.>> As I sat here pondering the mysteries of the Universe as laid out in> the Usenet Oracularities Digest, a terror-inspiring thought occurred to> me. You have not recently answered any supplicant's idiotic question> about Twinkies(tm)! Is their some cosmic signifigance to this> prolonged silence on the subject? What are the implications of a> Twinkie(tm)-less Universe?>> Thank you for answering my questions, and for putting my mind at ease.

} Oh dear and the migrane was almost gone. . .}} The only cosmic significance is that the newer generations of} supplicants were brought up by parents who didn't cram said material} down the throats of their children every day for twelve years.}} This has resulted in a new crop of humans with minds containing more} than digested Hostess food-products. Don't feel lonely though -} spelling is still a problem.}} You owe the Oracle a Cornish pasty.

> Mighty oracle, who's BO is better than *any* aftershave.....>> I know you must be asked this question twenty odd times a second, but I> seemed to have missed seeing any decent answers in the Oracularities:>> WHAT IS THE MEANING OF (MY) LIFE ?

} The meaning of your life is to grovel before me, sniff my BO, and} kiss Oracular hiney whenever called upon. You are to do so} thankfully and with nary a thought toward compensation.}} In the event, however, that you should seek *MORE* from} existence, you may consider the following as worthy and} meaningful goals:}} 1. (if you're a man) Make sure she comes twice before you even} THINK about yourself, you pig. (if you're a woman) Don't start} unless you plan to finish, and watch those teeth!}} 2. Vote in all elections, if for no other reason than to prevent} David Duke from running the country.}} 3. Keep a bottle of Scope in your desk drawer and use it from} time to time.}} 4. Remember that there is nothing miraculous about your car} windows that makes you invisible to other drivers when you go} digging for gold. The driver in the next lane is more} appreciative of your cooperation that you will ever know.}} 5. Contrary to Monty Python's Meaning of Life, every sperm is} NOT sacred. Wrap that rascal.}} 6. When someone asks "How's it goin?" resist the urge to answer} "It's goin."}} 7. When you ask her out, plan the evening. Don't just show up} at her house and say "Where do you want to go?"}} 8. No means no.}} 9. If the answer is yes, refer to numbers 1, 3 and 7.}} 10. Never hit something smaller than yourself to teach it not to} hit.}} Other than these ten, may I also suggest Bill and Ted's maxim "Be} Excellent to Each Other," which is sound advice. Work for} legalization, love your fellow man, change your underwear and buy} new skivvies when the elastic goes. I, the Oracle, also keep a} little note tacked to my mirror to remind me to donate money to} worthy causes, wax my surfboard, and never, NEVER forget Lisa's} clitoris.}} It's a good life! Now go, live it in peace.}} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Desiderata."

} While the Oracle appreciates this offer of desert this Thanksgiving} week, I must decline. I decided on a third helping of curried} ambrosia instead of desert. I couldn't possibly eat another bite.}} You owe the Oracle and after-dinner mint that is Wahfeer-Theen.

> Help me, Great Oracle! I am completely out of control!!!>> Let me explain. I have some sort of compulsion to do computer> science. It's as if my brain has a mind of its own! I'm not content> unless I'm learning metaobject protocols or writing GNU software! I'm> doing this all the time! I have no control over it!>> My question, Oh Oracle, is thus: is this necessarily bad? I mean,> when I graduate from college in a year, I'll be making more money than> I know what to do with, and I'll be golfing by the time I'm 30! On> the other hand, I'm exhausted. Should I seek professional help? Or> should I shut up and be happy?

} Let me answer your question with a little parable. Imagine that} somewhere, far, far away in the misty realms of Iuvax, there is a} Programmer. He (or she - #include <stddisclaimer.h>) spends all his} time writing beautiful code, dating beautiful women, waving a beautiful} gold AmEx card at beautiful waitresses while eating the remains of} beautiful pizzas. He has not a care in the world (apart from that bug} in the GNU ++c++ compiler Rich Stallman asked him to write). But, we} have to ask ourselves. Is he happy?}} Of course he's bloody happy.}} On the other hand, the Oracle doesn't necessarily want any competition} in the field of superprogrammerdom. Stick to menial tasks, like} Accountancy.}} On the third hand, the Oracle must seek to enlighten all who request} knowledge in a suitably respectful fashion. Since you already show} signs of Grade One Enlightenment, the Oracle recommends that you carry} straight on into Computer Science with no regrets, but it might be a} good idea to avoid golfing for as long as possible.}} You owe the Oracle one gold AmEx card.

> Dear Lisa,>> A few days ago I ask the Oracle a question and he didn't give me a> decent response. Would you make sure that he doesn't "get any" until I> get an answer to my question?>> Sincerely,>> Your Humble Servant>> P.S. The Oracle, being the Oracle, should know what my question was.

> Oh oracle wisest of pseudo-beings, who knows the meaning of all> strange things which human mortals are unable to grasp.>> When i receive a reply from you, it is preceded by a heading and a few> lines after the heading "X-FACE", and a note that it can be viewed by> "faces" , and something about "from the iuvax archives today". What is> the meaning of these lines ??>> Your most humble servant (except for Lisa..).

} The IUVAX archives is actually a euphemism for the Oracle's own} personal mausoleum and museum, where he keeps the perserved} bodies of supplicants who refuse to grove, people who ask stupid} questions, and others who have lost their privilege to continue a} mortal existence.}} "Faces" is but one of many fascinating displays at the archives.} Visitors are also enchanted by "Kneecaps," a display of New York} mafia-style thuggery from the 'thirties and 'forties, "Butts," a} veritable styotopegic extravaganza, and "Naughty Bits," a} Monty-Pythonesque retrospective of particularly toothsome} genitalia.}} Were you actually to DECODE the x-face message, you would receive} the following wisdom:}} Don't forget to grovel you stupid pig of a mortal. The Oracle's} a BADD mutha, and he's got no patience for skinny-ass-wimps like} you. You may think you're groovy with your 64 mb, internal fax} modem, 68882 math coprocessor, and HoloMouse, but you can't get} dates or you wouldn't be begging the Oracle for so much of his} immortal time. So GET A LIFE for God's sake! Move out of your} parents' basement! And don't forget to kiss Oracular butt at} every opportunity.}} You owe the Oracle a full reading of your computer software} manuals.