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Monday, January 30, 2012

The day of reckoning has arrived! Just kidding. It is almost that exciting though. Today is the day the sign-up for the Blogging from A to Z April 2012 challenge opens up.

Sign up using the linky list at the end of this post!

A bit daunted by the concept? Fear not, you don't have to visit everyone, and it's easy to schedule several short posts ahead of time. We want to keep our posts short anyway, because the main point of the challenge is to meet new bloggers. In fact, this year, we're suggesting that all you commit to is visiting the 5-10 blogs below your name on the linky list. If you find you have time for that every day, then you can start to visit more.

No idea what I'm talking about? No worries, you can find the official A to Z blog, here. Or the A to Z Facebook page, here. If you somehow have lived in a hole for the least few months, you can meet all my other co-hosts, here.

And you don't have to sign up right now, either. If you want to mull it over for a while, no problem. On Wednesday (because this list is going to grow FAST, and slow down my blog load times) I'll be moving the list to a page right under the header of my blog. You can find it, here. Or, you can sign up at the official blog, anytime, here.

Please enter the HTML code carefully so that it is accurate. If you enter your link incorrectly, please notify us so we can correct it. You can find our emails in the CONTACT US tab on the A to Z Blog. If you do not plan to participate in the Challenge during April or your purpose is to lure visitors to an advertising site, please do not enter a link as it will be removed, save us the time and trouble.

That's it! Here's the list:

UPDATE: I have removed the A to Z sign up list, to improve load times for my new posts. Please visit the A to Z sign up page, to join the challenge.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Here we are, it's Friday morning, thank goodness, and we've got Barbara's query letter again, this time with my feedback, which will be in red.

You guys all went and followed her yesterday, so let's just get to work.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Twelve-year-old Mitch Brooks is a rule-follower but he’s disgusted with his parents about moving. So maybe that’s why he peeks inside a strangely labeled box on moving day.

This hook has all the key elements we've come to expect from good queries, but I can't help feel like it's missing a little something. You've got good characterization for Mitch, and the inciting incident seems pretty clear, but I think perhaps what's missing is voice. I can't come up with a better term or phrase, and although "rule-follower" certainly makes sense, and provides a good bit of his character, I wonder whether Mitch would put it that way. How would a kid describe himself in this situation? I'm not sure, I might have to ask my daughter.

The second sentence is better. It's a clear progression and contradiction of the first, which I think works well. One thing I think you could add here is a more specific description. "Strangely labeled" is a bit vague. How would Mitch describe it? A box with a goofy drawing on it? A package with wonky lettering on the side? A carton that looked like someone spilled hieroglyphs on the label?

Deep inside the box, Mitch unearths his mom's journal from 1967, the year before he was born. So we're in 1979/80? I like this setting very much. He knows he shouldn’t read it (especially the way his mom feels about “privacy invasion”), but come on now, who wouldn’t? So perhaps Mitch isn't the rule-follower he thought he was? I like the contradiction in character, and clearly this is probably the first time he's really stepped out of line, but you might want to figure out a way to allude to that in the query. And as Mitch reads, he discovers secrets. His mom got kicked out of her house when she became a hippie war protester. Mitch’s parents have thesecut two best friends he’s never even heard of butwho were drafted into the Vietnam War. And his grandparents might not be dead after all.

Okay, in many ways I really like this paragraph. It sets up some interesting possible conflicts (although we don't know which will play out), and it sets a great tone for the kind of period related topics Mitch discovers in his mom's journal, but as someone mentioned yesterday, I'm concerned how all this fits into your story. In the next paragraph, we jump back into the present. Does that make this paragraph backstory? I'll expand on that after this next paragraph.

For Mitch, even though moving really, really stinks, at least it’s interesting. Motivated by a story he hears from his new neighbors, this is too vague Mitch enlists his best friend Brian and a librarian love librarians! he just met in his new town to assist him with a secret history project designed to find answers and people.

Okay, so here's the problem. I get the feeling that the previous paragraph is not really backstory, and that perhaps your novel kind of jumps back and forth between the two time periods (which you basically say below), but that's not clear enough in the part of your query that describes the plot. We need to have a better idea of what happens, and what is the main conflict Mitch has to overcome. Does he actually travel back to 1967? Or is the story told from some other POV during those parts? Do the conflicts from the past directly effect the conflict in the present? How? What is the secret history project, and why is it going to be difficult for Mitch to complete? What tough choice will he have to make to achieve his goals?

MOVING SECRETS, my middle grade historical fictionnovels are always fiction novel, shifts back and forth in time between 1967 San Francisco and 1980 Cambria, California. It is complete at 52,000 words. Otherwise, good.

Although myMy background lies in teaching literature, I am new to writing it. MOVING SECRETS is my first novel, and I am querying you because [personalize with reasons I chose this agent]. If you've never been published, that's fine, no need to explain. Every writer starts somewhere, but I wouldn't mention that you're new to writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Barbara Watson

In summary, my biggest problem with this query is the disconnect between the two halves of the plot. I'm not sure the novel works the way I think it does, but the query does not make it clear how the past is connected to the present, or what the main conflict really is. You don't want to give away too much, like the ending or anything, but we do need a better sense of what kind of adversity Mitch has to overcome.

The only other thing I would like to see more of is MG voice. Try re-writing the query from the first person POV of Mitch, describing things how he would describe them, and then switch it back into third person, see if that helps. Unless the novel is written in third person, with a very adult sounding narrator, you want the query to match the tone.

That's not to say this isn't a good starting point for a query letter. You've clearly got an interesting character, and the premise sounds like one that would definitely entertain. You just need to make it more clear how it all works together.

That's it.

What do you guys think, dear readers? Anything I missed? Anything you'd like to add? Anything you disagree with?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Twelve-year-old Mitch Brooks is a rule-follower but he’s disgusted with his parents about moving. So maybe that’s why he peeks inside a strangely labeled box on moving day.

Deep inside the box, Mitch unearths his mom's journal from 1967, the year before he was born. He knows he shouldn’t read it (especially the way his mom feels about “privacy invasion”), but come on now, who wouldn’t? And as Mitch reads, he discovers secrets. His mom got kicked out of her house when she became a hippie war protester. Mitch’s parents have these two best friends he’s never even heard of but were drafted into the Vietnam War. And his grandparents might not be dead after all.

For Mitch, even though moving really, really stinks, at least it’s interesting. Motivated by a story he hears from his new neighbors, Mitch enlists his best friend Brian and a librarian he just met in his new town to assist him with a secret history project designed to find answers and people.

MOVING SECRETS, my middle grade historical fiction novel, shifts back and forth in time between 1967 San Francisco and 1980 Cambria, California. It is complete at 52,000 words.

Although my background lies in teaching literature, I am new to writing it. MOVING SECRETS is my first novel, and I am querying you because [personalize with reasons I chose this agent].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Barbara Watson

That's it.

Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, when I'll be sharing mine.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Sorry I couldn't find a better, or official, video of this song, but for some silly reason, Lupe Fiasco doesn't have an official Youtube channel.

Anyway, people really seemed to like it when I did a Poetic Analysis of a Pop Song, and some even said they hoped I'd do it again, so here it is, with another song I like.

I love this song, but it's an excellent one to breakdown with a literary analysis, because it's full of subtext, symbolism, and metaphor. Keep in mind, that any analytic reading of any kind of literature is going to be highly subjective, so these opinions are heavily based on who I am. Here are the lyrics:

[Lupe Fiasco]

Uh.. yeah

He just sits, and watches the people in the boxes

Everything he sees he absorbs and adopts it

He mimics and he mocks it

Really hates the box but he can't remember how to stop, it

Uh, so he continues to watch it

Hoping that it'll give him something that he can box with

Or how the locksmith, see the box as, locked in the box

Ain't got the combination to unlock, it

That's why he watch-es, scared to look away

Cause at that moment, it might show him

What to take off the locks with

So he chained himself to the box, took a lock and then he locked it

Swallowed the combination and then forgot, it

As the doctors jot it all down, with they pens and pencils

The same ones that took away his voice

And just left this instrumental, like what

Okay, so on the simplest level, and this might seem obvious, but it's deeper than it first appears, the box is television, or the internet. If you didn't notice that at first, I'm sure you see it now. But on a more fundamental level, beneath the foundation, if you will, this song is about consumerism, media, marketing, and propaganda. It's about the standardization of our youth, and how we are telling them who to be, what to wear, and what to buy.

He sits, and he watches the box (media in any format), and anything he sees he adopts it. He is a consumer, especially a young, impressionable consumer, and he is aware he is being manipulated (he mocks it), and he hates that he's being manipulated, but he's chained to the box. This is an essay on that fact that the messages are all around us. Billboards, airbrushed magazine covers, blinged out pro-athletes and rock-stars. It's everywhere.

He's scared to look away, because he's convinced that he can discover a way to transcend the box, from within the box. This is the paradox of media and control. Because, realistically, you can buck the trend, be a creative artist or musician, not fall into the hole of a number two pencil multiple choice bubble test, make something new and unique, but then you need the box to be able make any money doing it. It's a necessary evil. Or is it?

The doctors are us. The parents, the teachers, the ad execs, the CEOs, the politicians. Everyone who is telling him what he needs to do, what he needs to buy, and who he needs to be. We are taking away their voices.

[Chorus: Jonah Matranga + (Lupe)]

And he never lies (he never lies, he never lies, uh)

And he never lies (uh, he never lies, he never lies, no)

And he never lies (he never lies)

Cause he never said anything at all

When I first heard this song, I thought the chorus said "daddy never lies," and I was all prepared to go into how daddy was the media, in a kind of big brother reference, but then when I looked the lyrics up, that argument wasn't going to work anymore.

You can laugh at me now.

[Lupe Fiasco]

He just sits, and listens to the people in the boxes

Everything he hears he absorbs and adopts it

Anything not coming out the box he blocks it

See he loves the box and hope they never stop it

Anything the box tell him to do, he does it

Anything it tell him to get, he shops and he cops it

He protects the box, locks it in a box

when he goes to sleep, but he never sleeps

Cause he stays up to watch it, scared to look away

Cause at that moment, it might get stolen

And that's the last of the boxes

So he chained himself to the box, took a lock and then he locked it

Swallowed the combination and then forgot, it

As the doctors jot it all down, with they pens and pencils

The same ones that took away his voice

And just left this instrumental, like what

Much of this is repeated from the first verse, but there are some new ideas. For those who don't know, cops it is slang for buys it. But then things get worse. He locks the box inside another box (like a TV in an apartment, perhaps), and starts to get paranoid. Clearly you can't steal the media. Someone might take your TV, but the message is still out there, all you need to do is look around. So what's he afraid of? I would argue he's afraid of losing his identity. So many young people (many, but not all) identify themselves and their personalities by external, surface things like clothes and jewelry, and all their little screens. If you've ever had to take your child's iPod away so that they could consider their behavior for a while, you know what this means.

[Chorus]

[Lupe Fiasco]

(Anything at all..) He never lies

Uh, and you can't tell me just who you are

You buy new clothes just to hide those scars

You built that roof just to hide those stars

Now you can't take it back to the start

And you can't tell me just who you are

You buy new clothes just to hide those scars

You built that roof just to hide those stars

Now you can't take it back to the start

This chorus gets a bit more overt. You don't have to have physical scars to want to hide something that's on the inside. We all had identities when we were young, skaters, gangsters, nerds, band-kids, jocks. We want to fit in, it's human nature, so we find a group that we have something in common with, and we conform. But it's not that simple. We are not only what we wear, or what clique we hang out with. We can't see the stars of who we really are, because we build so many barriers to keep that person hidden.

[Chorus]

[Lupe Fiasco]

(Anything at all.. anything at all..)

Uh, and you can't tell me just who you are

You buy new clothes just to hide those scars

You built that roof just to hide those stars

Now you can't take it back to the start

And you can't tell me just who you are

You buy new clothes just to hide those scars

You built that roof just to hide those stars

Now you can't take it back to the start

You can't take it back to the start, because you're only born once. You only get one chance to define yourself, obtain knowledge of self, and make that first impression on people.

What I think Lupe's trying to say in this song, is that we need to be ourselves. We need to stop telling everyone that white and skinny is the only kind of beautiful, that expensive cars and diamond earrings are the only proof of success, and that everyone should want to be just like everyone else.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I don't really review books, because I think for an author, even an aspiring one, to give critical reviews of someone else's work is a bit of a conflict of interest, but I do like to recommend books I loved.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Today I want to welcome Marieke, from Write Dreams, to tell you about a cause she and her fellow writers have convinced me to take part in supporting.

Here is what she wrote when she first emailed me:

Donna's Dream House is a holiday home for children and teenagers with life-threatening or terminal illnesses, situated in the heart of Blackpool, UK. Run by volunteers, it has hosted and helped hundreds of families. Until just before Christmas, when arsonists broke into the Dream House, stole essential computer equipment, and started a fire that damaged the building so badly, it may have to be rebuilt completely.

And now I'm going to late her share her thoughts with you in a guest post:

I remember walking past a hospital room one day. The room appeared to be sealed off and its white walls and sterile smell didn’t fit in the otherwise colorful children’s hospital. The people inside wore gowns and gloves to keep the risk of infection to a bare minimum.

It looked like the scene from a thriller – Outbreak, or something.

Instead, what I saw were the effects of a bone marrow transplant. I remember staring at the room while the whole process flashed around in my head. A transplant meant harvesting marrow through a needle in your hip. It meant severe chemotherapy to destroy all the remaining marrow in your body. It meant not knowing what would happen next.

I don’t remember if the patient was a boy or a girl, I just remember standing there, aged 12, thinking it might be me.

Up to that point, I’d spent a lot of time in several hospitals; after that moment, I’d spent even more time in medical care because my immune system was doing everything it shouldn’t and nothing it should. Standing outside that room is one of many memories that would forever stay with me. The others? Going to a sea aquarium with other patients. Being allowed to wander around the off-limits section of a military airport (hey, I’m a geek!). Ice cream on an afternoon away from the hospital. Singing along on the top of my voice to Meat Loaf songs at the hospital school’s dance. The colors and laughter of a family room.

Because the only thing that outweighs not knowing if tomorrow is still there is living today to the fullest, together with family and friends. The charity Donna’s Dream House gives children and teens with life-threatening diseases the chance to make those memories and live those dreams. At least, it did. Until right before holidays, part of the main building was torched beyond repair.

They were forced to cancel Christmas for the families set to stay there.

Think about that for a moment.

And then hop over to Write Dreams, a kidlit auction to raise money for Donna’s Dream House. This week and next we have some amazing lots of signed books, critiques, ARCs, swag… not to mention a whole lot of UK authors chipping in too, so the perfect moment to try out some delish foreign books ;-) Hop over and please help us give Donna’s Dream House a better start of 2012.

Thank you <3

No, Marieke, thank you.

So please head over to Write Dreams, and check out some of the books and critiques up for auction. I'm giving something away, but for those of you who read this blog regularly, you should definitely check out everything that's available. If you do want to pay for my critique, for a good cause, you can find that post here, but don't tell me how much you paid, because I don't work well under pressure.

EDIT: Visit the Write Dreams How To Page, for details on how to bid, or even donate.

Friday, January 20, 2012

All right. Here we are, Friday morning, and we're back to Don's query. This time, with my feedback, which will be in red.

Here goes:

Mr. or Ms. Agent
The Most Awesome Literary Agency Ever,

I think you need to focus your flattery more the particular agent, and less on the agency. Something like Dear Most Awesome Literary Agent Ever, who works at one of the coolest agencies, which is only slightly less cool than the agent herself ...

Just kidding. I do love this, though.

Now, I do want to say something about voice. Many of you will already know this, but for you beginners out there, when you compare this query to Alexia's, from earlier this week, you may think this one lacks voice. It's certainly not as colorful as hers, but the thing is, that's good. The voice of the query needs to match the tone, style, and voice of the novel. Don's written a contemporary thriller, so his query needs to reflect that, which I think it does.

Lee Hamilton is watch your tense. Queries are rarely written in present tense, but if you feel it's important to do so, make sure it's uniform throughout. I'll point out later where your tense switches up. a small town HR Manager whose pedestrian life is only buoyed by his long-standing friendship with five old college buddies, the Knights. That all changes when he receives a phone call informing him that Steven Ebe, one of the Knights, has been found beaten and left in a coma. I would separate your paragraph here. These first two sentences are basically what we call hook, and they're pretty good. We've got a sense of character, a bit of backstory, and an inciting incident. Make them stand out by giving them their own paragraph. The group’s old I think you can cut this old, and the one two sentences before. By telling us they're his college buddies, since we know he's well into his career, the old is implied. motto comes rushing back -- you mess with one Knight, you mess with them all! Ebe is a reformed I would change this to former, rather than reformed. Depending on what kind of hacking he did (which can be morally ambiguous), he may or may not have had to reform anything. hacker who recently went to work for a private detective agency in South Carolina. Dianne Williams, the manager of the detectivecut agency, surprises Lee with additional info explaining how her entire workforce has been sickened by some form of poison. Is this poison what put Steve in the coma, or something else entirely? You want might want to clarify. Rallying around their fallen companion, the Knights join forces with Dianne and discover a series of numbers huh? found in Ebe’s possession tied to a large scale cybercrime. The mystery deepens when the numbers are alsocut linked to a Columbine-style high school shooting in Virginia? Is this meant to be a question? I think this should be a normal sentence, ending in a period.

Hmm. Okay, I think this is off to a good start. We've got a nice mystery, some heightened stakes, and a pretty good sense of upcoming conflict. I worry a little about naming so many characters, especially given that you're sharing their first and last names, but I get the feeling that's typical for this kind of novel. As long as you keep it to these three characters, I think you're okay.

I'm curious about these numbers, though. It may not be critical, but I feel like I want to know more about what you mean. Is it some kind of decryption key? If Steven was a hacker, it's got to be something related to information security, right? I would like just another word or two describing exactly what kind of numbers they are.

Dianne and Lee decide to fly to Virginia where they encounter a city I would name the city, rather than the state. You tell us it's Virginia in the last paragraph, and then you mention a city here. Just tell us if it's Richmond, Norfolk, or D.C. still reeling from the emotional impact of the shooting and distrustful of outsiders who won’t allow them to forget. Following leads withheld from the police and FBI, they quickly learn everything is not as it’s been reported in the news. Normally I would say this is a little vague, but I think you're okay here. If you explain too much, you'll end up in synopsis territory, and the query only needs to entice. The mysterious numbers are connected to even more crimes, the school shooter was it might look like this is the first tense switch, but this is actually okay. not working alone, and he left behind a suicide note that simply read…I’m not finished yet! Did the note really use an exclamation point? You've got one in your first paragraph. I would cut them both if you can, but definitely at least one. Lee and Dianne had somehow stumbled across the wizard behind the curtain, and the Knights weren’t in Kansas anymore. Now the group had this is the first place I see where we are definitely no longer in present tense. This should say has. a choice to make, make this comma a colon. return home and pass up a chance to clear their friend’s name, or put their very lives in danger by going toe to toe with an unimaginable fiend. This makes me think of fantasy for some reason. Like a demon. I know that's not what you mean, but you might want to be a little more specific about your antagonist.

All in all this paragraph is also pretty good. It sets up a mystery and a sense of conflict well, without giving too much away. It's obvious that the stakes are life and death, and there is a clear but tough choice for the protagonists to make. Except for the minor mechanics things I've pointed out, this is pretty well done.

FALLEN KNIGHT is a mystery/thriller novel complete at 105,000 words. By day I am the writer of technical journals and instruction manuals, but when the sun goes down I'm an active member of the writing community. I am also a proud member of Mystery Writers of America and International Thriller Writers. Fallen Knight is poised to be part of a larger series and I feel a perfect companion to your agencies other offerings. I would be careful here. If you're going to compliment an agent's list, that's fine, but give specific examples, to prove you've done your homework. If not, don't mention it.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you. Some agents have a no response means no policy, so you may not hear from them at all. I think you're fine just paring this sentence down to the first clause.

So, in summary: you've got a good query here. There's a very clear sense of plot, conflict, stakes, and a difficult choice. We don't know much about Dianne, but we've got a decent sense of Lee and Steven's character, and I think we're okay without knowing a whole lot more about her. My biggest concerns, other than minor writing mechanics things, are the vagueness of the "numbers," and no real sense of our antagonist. I get the feeling the real bad guy is not the same person who shot up the high school, but we don't really know what he's after, or who he is. That can be okay, but if you want to keep him a mystery, you might cut that line about the "unimaginable fiend."

That's it.

What do you guys think? Disagree with me? What would you like to see cut or added from or to this query?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Before we get to Don's query, I want to announce that along with him, Katie, and Alex, I'll be hosting the Origins blogfest on February 13th. I would put the sign up list at the bottom of this post, but I don't have the code, and you really should just go read Don's announcement post, because he does a great job explaining what it's all about. You can also sign up there, which I encourage you to do, because blogfests are the best way to meet other bloggers and build a following.

EDIT: I do have the code, I'm just a moron, and lost the email. But I found it now, so you are able to sign up below, if you like.

Okay, so let's get to Don's query letter, but first, you know the rules, you have to follow Don's blog, and then you can come back and read his query.

Back? Great, here goes:

Mr. or Ms. Agent
The Most Awesome Literary Agency Ever,

Lee Hamilton is a small town HR Manager whose pedestrian life is only buoyed by his long-standing friendship with five old college buddies, the Knights. That all changes when he receives a phone call informing him that Steven Ebe, one of the Knights, has been found beaten and left in a coma. The group’s old motto comes rushing back -- you mess with one Knight, you mess with them all! Ebe is a reformed hacker who recently went to work for a private detective agency in South Carolina. Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency, surprises Lee with additional info explaining how her entire workforce has been sickened by some form of poison. Rallying around their fallen companion, the Knights join forces with Dianne and discover a series of numbers found in Ebe’s possession tied to a large scale cybercrime. The mystery deepens when the numbers are also linked to a Columbine-style high school shooting in Virginia?

Dianne and Lee decide to fly to Virginia where they encounter a city still reeling from the emotional impact of the shooting and distrustful of outsiders who won’t allow them to forget. Following leads withheld from the police and FBI, they quickly learn everything is not as it’s been reported in the news. The mysterious numbers are connected to even more crimes, the school shooter was not working alone, and he left behind a suicide note that simply read…I’m not finished yet! Lee and Dianne had somehow stumbled across the wizard behind the curtain, and the Knights weren’t in Kansas anymore. Now the group had a choice to make, return home and pass up a chance to clear their friend’s name, or put their very lives in danger by going toe to toe with an unimaginable fiend.

FALLEN KNIGHT is a mystery/thriller novel complete at 105,000 words. By day I am the writer of technical journals and instruction manuals, but when the sun goes down I'm an active member of the writing community. I am also a proud member of Mystery Writers of America and International Thriller Writers. Fallen Knight is poised to be part of a larger series and I feel a perfect companion to your agencies other offerings.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Remember, today is just for introductions (although if you don't know DL, you probably haven't been blogging long), so please save your feedback for tomorrow, when I'll be sharing my thoughts. For now just say hi, and thank him for having the courage to share this with us.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

First, a really quick announcement: be sure to visit the A to Z challenge website today, as there is something fun going on over there.

Now, let's get back to Alexia and her awesome query. As usual, my feedback will be in red.

Here goes:

Before we get started, I just want to point out that this query is already very good. It's full of voice, and very funny, which I'm sure matches the novel, but I'm going to try to nit-pick it, because that's the point of this whole thing, to try to make these letters as strong as they can be.

Also, Alexia knows to address her letter to an agent, and to spell their name correctly, she just realizes the part that matters is the meat of the query: the story.

Zyan Star is completely content with her undead existence as a witch/vampire bartender and bounty hunter. When you’re eternally damned, there’s nothing to lose, right?

I like this hook. It gives a decent sense of character, because we can feel this kind of apathy from Zy regarding her job, but I think the one thing you can be a little clearer about is exactly what kind of undead person she is. The combination of "undead existence" and "vampire" make it pretty clear she is a vampire, but the "witch," "bartender," and "bounty hunter" could be a bit clearer. The way it reads now, it almost sounds like she might be a bartender for, and a bounty hunter of, witches and vampires. I think you should try to clarify it a bit. Is she a vampire who serves drinks to witches, or is she a vampire and a witch, who serves drinks to others of her kind? It's pretty clear to me it's the latter, but some might read it as the former.

Also, because you don't make it clear in the rest of the query. I would love to know what kinds of bounties she hunts. Are there common criminals in this world, or is she normally hired to chase more high-profile targets? In this next paragraph, she becomes a bodyguard, so I'd love to know who she hunted before that, and who served the drinks while she was gone.

So when angelic(-)warrior I think this should be hyphenated, but it's kind of just a style choice, so it's up to you. Eli offers her a job protecting Earth’s Holy Representative from a vamp assassin, Zy turns him down faster than you can say cherub. LOVE this. Even if he is a tasty morsel of pure deliciousness that her best friends, a give us another word here, for characterization witch and a gay werewolf, think she’s crazy to ignore. LOVE this even more. But when she finds out the vamp hired to assassinate the HR I love this too, because it almost sounds like a Human Resources rep, but we know what you mean because you spelled it out earlier. Very funny. is the very same undead dirtbag who drained her blood, broke her heart, and left her to contemplate how much of a dumbass she is should this be was? I'm going to defer to my readers who are better grammar/tense experts than I, but I think it might need to be was. for all eternity – well, that changes things.

Except for the tiny things I mentioned, this is such a great paragraph. It's so funny, so full of voice and style, and really shows your chops as someone who can have fun with storytelling. But what really makes it great is that you get a sense of conflict, stakes, and a tough choice across on top of all that small picture stuff. Well done.

Fueled by revenge, Zy will stop at nothing to prevent her ex from accomplishing his mission. But as she moves deeper into the web of intrigue surrounding the HR, she realizes there’s a lot more at stake than her plot for revenge. Like the free will of mankind and preventing the minions of hell from taking over the sovereign dimensions. I'm not sure you even need this last sentence. The one before it was a great summary of the heightened stakes, and this last bit of world building muddies it up a bit, and I don't think we need it.

Except for the last sentence I mentioned, the rest of this paragraph is great. It raises the stakes a bit more, and summarizes the choices Zy is going to have to make quite well.

NOIR is an 80,000 word urban fantasy. I appreciate your time and consideration.

All in all this is a great query. You've got a few writing mechanics things to fix, but other than a better sense of Zy's character in the hook, and dropping a couple unnecessary things, I don't think you need to make any drastic changes.

So that's it.

What do you guys think? Do you need more world building, or do you think that's even needed with urban fantasy? What would you change about Alexia's hook? Or do you disagree with me, and think it was perfectly clear?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I don't often get to do this, but today I'm sharing a query from a writer I've actually met. Alexia and I had a wonderful conversation over lots of wine on the Saturday night at WFC 2011 in San Diego last year. She is a lovely person (that's her standing to my right, your left). You may recognize some of these other gorgeous ladies, too.

Anyway, today I want to introduce you to Alexia Chamberlynn, whose blog you simply must go follow. Seriously. Go follow it. She wrote more about WFC, here.

Back? Excellent.

Here is Alexia's current query letter:

Zyan Star is completely content with her undead existence as a witch/vampire bartender and bounty hunter. When you’re eternally damned, there’s nothing to lose, right?

So when angelic warrior Eli offers her a job protecting Earth’s Holy Representative from a vamp assassin, Zy turns him down faster than you can say cherub. Even if he is a tasty morsel of pure deliciousness that her best friends, a witch and a gay werewolf, think she’s crazy to ignore. But when she finds out the vamp hired to assassinate the HR is the very same undead dirtbag who drained her blood, broke her heart, and left her to contemplate how much of a dumbass she is for all eternity – well, that changes things.

Fueled by revenge, Zy will stop at nothing to prevent her ex from accomplishing his mission. But as she moves deeper into the web of intrigue surrounding the HR, she realizes there’s a lot more at stake than her plot for revenge. Like the free will of mankind and preventing the minions of hell from taking over the sovereign dimensions.

NOIR is an 80,000 word urban fantasy. I appreciate your time and consideration.

That's it.

If you've been here for one of these before, you know that today is just for introductions. I will share my feedback for Alexia with all of you tomorrow, so please save yours for then as well. It's great to get to see the query without any red first.

For now please just say hello and thank Alexia for her courage. Also, have a great Tuesday!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Happy Friday friends and readers. I hope today finds you well and full of inspiration. I had intended to critique my friend Alexia Chamberlynn's query today, but I screwed that up when I missed blogging on Wednesday.

I like to do two posts in a row for query critiques, so that you all can see the query without all my analysis. So, anyway, I hope Alexia doesn't mind if I save hers for next week. Today I'm going to do something a little different. Watch this video (I'm sure you've heard the song):

I'm not a big radio listener (except for NPR), and I don't buy CDs at Best Buy, but I have become aware of this pop song that I like a bit. It has a very underground hip-hop feel to it, even though it's clearly Big Record Label (that's like Big Oil, if you need to understand the Capitalization) material.

Anyway, I'm going to analyze the lyrics for you here, because I think there are some pretty clever metaphors in the verses.

Here's the chorus:

My heart's a stereo

It beats for you, so listen close

Hear my thoughts in every note o-oh

Make me your radio

Turn me up when you feel low

This melody was meant for you

So sing along to my stereo

I'm not analyzing this part, because while being sung by Adam Levine from Maroon 5, who clearly has a great voice, it's not particularly poetic in its lyricism.

Here's the first verse, which is spit by Travie McCoy (spit means rapped, but I hate that word):

If I was just another dusty record on the shelf

Would you blow me off and play me like everybody else

If I asked you to scratch my back, could you manage that

Ye-yeah, chicka Travie, I can handle that

Furthermore, I apologize for any skippin' tracks

It's just the last girl that played me left a couple cracks

I used to used to used to used to, now I'm over that

Cause holding grudges over love is ancient artifacts

If I could only find a note to make you understand

I'd sing it softly in your ear and grab you by the hands

To keep me stuck inside your head, like your favorite tune

And know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you

So I'm probably going to go three layers deeper than was ever intended here, but that's what music and poetry is all about, right? What is means to the reader and the listener, even if that's not what the author intended?

To me, this is a sad but hopeful story of an awkward young man who's been hurt by love. Let me tell you why I think that.

First of all, in hip-hop culture, especially among DJs and crate-diggers (people who hunt for old records in thrift shops) a dusty record does not carry the same connotation it does for most people. To a hip-hop producer, a dusty record is often an old funk classic that hides a hidden gym. A breakbeat, like on Amen Brother, by the Winstons, or Apache, by the Incredible Bongo Band, can be sampled, and mixed into the beat for a hip-hop track. If you're old enough to remember Vanilla Ice versus Queen and Bowie, you know what a sampled breakbeat sounds like, even if that's not an example of how it can be done well.

So my point is, when he compares himself to a dusty record, it's not the insult it sounds like on the surface. To me he's saying that he's a diamond in the rough. A nice, nerdy guy that any girl could love, but who's been stepped on in the past. This is supported by other metaphors in this verse, like "play me like everybody else," (play means to take advantage of in hip-hop culture) and "skipping tracks ... couple cracks." This is another vinyl/record metaphor, which I just absolutely love, because like in a relationship, there are any number of things that can make the needle jump the groove.

The second instance of the chorus is a little different, but we're not analyzing that one either. Here's the second verse:

If I was an old-school fifty pound boombox (remember them?)
Would you hold me on your shoulder wherever you walk
Would you turn my volume up in front of the cops (turn it up)
And crank it higher everytime they told you to stop
And all I ask is that you don't get mad at me
When you have to purchase mad D batteries
Appreciate every mixtape your friends make
You never know we come and go like on the interstate

I think I finally found a note to make you understand
If you can hit it, sing along and take me by the hand
Just keep me stuck inside your head, like your favorite tune
You know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you

This whole song is essentially a love song, but this second part can go a little deeper if you look into the subtext. A big boombox was a symbol of revolution for the hip-hop culture of the Bronx in the 1970s and 80s. Without the boombox, Breakdancers, also known as B-boys and B-Girls, never would have been able to take their art form to the streets, and never would have been able to express themselves in a way that ended up catching the attention of the mainstream media. It's also a symbol for defying authority, because boomboxes were often confiscated or destroyed by police, and to "turn [its] volume up in front of the cops" is certainly a reference to challenging authority.

Those old boomboxes were heavy, though, and expensive (mad D-batteries means you have to buy A LOT of batteries) so when he talks about carrying one on your shoulder wherever you walk, to me that's a metaphor for the burden of emotional baggage that every person brings into a relationship. A human being is a complicated thing, and their past can make them cry as easily as it can make them sing.

Anyway, this post has already gone on too long, but I wanted to share with you guys how even a silly pop song can have a deeper meaning, if you look more closely at the language. I think about comparative language like metaphors a lot, and I probably over-use them in my creative writing, but then again, there is nothing quite like the perfect turn of phrase, is there?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Okay. First things first, I'm really sorry about yesterday, especially to Tara. I had a family emergency, and wasn't able to make it into work, or to get to a computer to put this post up. Everyone is fine now, so thanks for your understanding.

Now, let's get to work. Tara's query will remain in plain text, and my feedback will be in red.

The query:

NOTE: The details of this query have been removed at the request of the author.

That's it!

What do you guys think? Is there anything I missed? Anything you disagree with? Can anyone try to write a better hook for Tara?

Monday, January 9, 2012

It's blog chain time again. I have to say, every time I think I'm just not organized enough to be a part of this thing anymore, someone comes up with such a compelling topic, I simply can't bow out.

This month, it's Jon. Yes, Jon Arntson, a good friend of mine, a great Words with Friends player, and my favorite Michigan writer. He gifted us with the dopest prompt:

Imagine the home(s) where you grew up, and start drawing a floor plan. As you draw, memories will surface. Grab onto one of those memories and tell us a story.

It's a little hard for me to talk about how much this brings up for me, because my childhood, and my childhood home ... let's just say I have all the ghosts in my pasts we all have. But Jon's presentation intrigued me especially, because while I'm not architect, I've always been fascinated by blueprints, and when I pretended to write comic books as a kid, I drew way more scenes from a birds-eye view than any comic book publisher would have accepted, I assume.

I don't have one specific memory that could be stretched into a whole post, at least not one I'm comfortable sharing, but I love what Abby did, when she shared a bunch of snippets, as her mind flitted from room to room.

This is my maddened version of her (and Jon's) genius.

The swingset in our front yard, which more often than not became the setting for one of my games of fantasy. Like the Sail Barge from the beginning of Return of the Jedi.

Our front porch. Where one of my favorite childhood photos ended up being taken - my sister and I, our faces stained with purple juice after collecting bucketfuls of blackberries from the backyard.

Our living room, where the fireplace was, and where my dad would blast his Steppenwolf records at full volume.

Our kitchen, where my mom and dad allowed a family friend to remodel in the 80s. It's still the same kind of ugly.

Our family room. Where my dad and I would watch Seahawk games. He recorded every one on Betamax in the beginning, and we had a remote contol - one that had a cord.

Our deck, where we did our barbecueing, and could see all the way to the Olympic Mountains, on a clear day.

The basement. Where the furnace was, and where I got so jealous when we furnished a room and mom let my big sister move her bedroom down there.

The upstairs bathroom. Where I would perform in front of the mirror - when I was supposed to be taking a bath - pretending I was the host of a variety show, for sometimes as long as 15 minutes.

My room, where Legos, and GI Joes, and Star Wars men dominated the floor space, and where the closet had a window out through which I could climb onto the roof, and escape from everything.

There are probably hundreds more memories I could share, but this is a blog chain, so you should check Sandra's post, who came before me, and Kate's post, who will actually go up today, because mine was supposed to be yesterday. Someday I'll get it right.

Friday, January 6, 2012

First off: sorry for the double post today. I scheduled myself into a corner, but both posts were too important to move. If you took the time to read (and comment on) both, then you rock. If not, that's okay, too.

Okay, guys. This is very exciting for me, because it takes us back to one of the coolest things I used to do on this blog. Sharing examples of successful query letters. I finally get to add another one to that list.

And this one is going to be very cool, because it comes from my good friend Adam Heine, who not only wrote an awesome book, but just recently landed his agent. So, if you've never read one of these before, it can get a little confusing. I like to do tag-team analysis, so here is how it works: Adam's query will be in plain text. Adam's analysis of why he thinks his letter might have worked, will be in blue. My random interjections, stupid jokes, and occasional tidbits of sage wisdom, will be in scabby-red (note that my blog design template turns hyperlinks into a more blood-red).

Okay, here goes...

Honestly, I don't actually KNOW why my query worked, but I guess it did (11 to 17% request rate, depending on how you count). I'll try to say why I did what I did. We'll see if that helps.

It does.

For Hagai's 17th birthday, he receives a stone from his mother that shows visions of the future. The thing is, Hagai thought his mother was killed ten years ago.

The Hook. It's hard to get everything critical in just a sentence or two. I think the trick is knowing what's NOT critical. Here, I wanted his age, the inciting event (the stone) and why it was inciting (the sender, his mother, is supposed to be dead). I'd cut "that shows visions of the future" too, except then he just gets a stone, which is somewhat less exciting.

I get the feeling Adam's just being humble here, which I completely respect, but I'll go a little deeper. The key, IMHO, to what he's done here, is how he conveys so much information in so few words. One way he achieves this is by combining Hagai's age with his birthday, which is masterful, if you ask me. Another is that he deftly weaves backstory into the same two sentences as his hook and inciting incident (which may or may not be the same thing, depending on your story and your query). The final thing, and this is not always that easy, depending on your character, is Hagai's name. Knowing Adam, and knowing his love for all things Asian (much like my own) I get a hint for the kind of world he's built, just from his MCs name. It's subtle, but it's there. This can be very important in some genres, like fantasy, or completely unnecessary, like in contemporary romance (assumption).

The bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew (People seem to like this line. I guess this is what they call "voice." Fortunately for me, it's the same voice I use in the novel, so I didn't have to cut it.), It is voice, but it also characterizes our MC a bit, so again, Adam's killing two birds with one stone. but when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he sets out to find her (increased stakes and what Hagai does about it). Initial conflict. Air pirates are hunting the stone too, and it's not long before a young pirate named Sam nicks it. Hagai tracks Sam down and demands the stone back--politely, of course, because Sam's got a knife.

Here's where things got tricky. The book actually has two POVs: Hagai and Sam, but every attempt I made at writing a query that mentioned this, or that restarted the story from Sam's POV, didn't work. The best I could come up with was to make Sam the Second Character in the query and show his goals. The hard part was ignoring all of his backstory which, honestly, is like 2/5 of the novel.

I absolutely subscribe to Adam's method, here. I'm sure someone out there has done it, but I cannot personally recall reading a query told from more than one point of view (usually 3rd person) where I thought it worked. A query is not a synopsis, and it really only has one simple job: entice an agent to read some pages.

Oddly, Sam offers him a job. He needs someone non-threatening to consult a seer hiding among the monks (a couple world tidbits here), and he reckons Hagai is as non-threatening as they come. Hagai agrees (see how quickly I came back to Hagai?), Yep, we do, and it's a point well taken. The novel is almost always going to be so broad and complex that there is no way to fit it all in a query letter. Just cover the key elements. intending to turn Sam in at the first opportunity. But when the seer says Sam is the key to finding his mother (increased stakes), Hagai chooses his mother's life over the law (what Hagai does about it). This is called choice. When I give query advice, I tell people to focus on the three Cs: Character, Conflict, and Choice. Who is the story about, what do they have to overcome, and what will happen if they can't (or choose not to)? Adam's covered all of them succinctly, and in an entertaining way.

Though Sam has the Imperial Navy and the world's most ruthless pirate on his keel (more stakes)and voice, Hagai joins Sam's crew (more Hagai doing), headed toward some godforsaken island he's never heard of (also this whole sentence gives a couple more world tidbits). He doesn't trust Sam, and the stone haunts Hagai with visions of his own death (more stakes? Honestly at this point I think I was just slapping stuff on). This also sets up some rules of how your world works, assuming the stone is some kind of magical artifact. Nonetheless, he's determined to change the future and find his mother, if it's not already too late (parting emotional shot). This also summarizes the conflict, stakes, and choice in one decent sentence.

AIR PIRATES is an 84,000-word YA steampunk adventure (genre, but not a very clear one), I like genre-bending, I do it myself. set in an alternate world (a phrase I felt necessary to use only because "steampunk" usually implies "19th Century Earth;" I still don't know if it was necessary). I think the clarity is there. I think it would appeal to readers of Scott Westerfeld's LEVIATHAN trilogy (comparison; I usually don't do these at all because they're too much of a stretch, but after reading Leviathan, I felt like it was exactly the sort of thing I would write (if I was a genius). The wording is critical though: "I think it would appeal to readers of" rather than "my book is as awesome as"). At this point, with a query this good, I don't think the comparison was necessary, and I'm sure Adam's agent didn't use it in her decision whether or not to read pages, but this is a good example of how to handle it. My short story "Pawn's Gambit," set in the same world as AIR PIRATES, has appeared in BENEATH CEASELESS SKIES and THE BEST OF BENEATH CEASELESS SKIES, YEAR TWO anthology (professional credits; I'm lucky to have one, but for years I left this part blank, and that's okay too). Yep, it helps, but is not required. If you have no credits, just leave it blank.

So, just to try to summarize, if I can wrap my head around all this, I think the biggest strong point in Adam's query writing skills comes in his ability to combine ideas he needs to convey into single concepts. Like a sword with a soul-trap enchantment, it accomplishes two (or more) things at once. This is especially evident in his opening hook, but if you look closely, his query letter is full of examples of it.

He doesn't spend a lot of time going into detail about the conflict, and in fact we have very little idea about most of the plot, but it works just fine, because we know just what we need to know, and nothing more. Keep in mind that an agent will see the pages to get an idea of the writing, and will then go to the synopsis to find out what happens (plot).

What do you guys think? Can you make heads or tails of all this colored text? Does Adam's book sound as awesome to you as it does to me? Do you like Naruto? What about Avatar, the Last Airbender (no, not the film)?

NOTE: Adam is also going to be featured on Mother. Write. (Repeat.) today, chatting with his agent, Tricia, about how they hooked up (not like that). So you should definitely read that as well.

So here it is, the big news I was talking about (I know, I should have thought about it before I wrote it that way, made it sound like agent news, didn't it? Sorry).

This year I've been asked to be a co-host of the venerable A to Z blogfest, which is the biggest blogfest I know of, and has been a huge success, ever since Arlee Bird started it, nearly two years ago.

If you don't know what the A to Z challenge is, you're in for a treat. It's a blogfest mainly devoted to meeting new bloggers, but also to flexing your blogging muscles, and committing to 26 posts in April, one for every letter of the alphabet. It's tough, but it's worth it.

Please visit all the hosts, and make sure you're following them. There is also an official A to Z blog and website, so you should check that out as well. Further news, and announcements about where and when you can sign up, will be coming soon.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

It's like 4 AM. I'm sitting here at work, because I came in to cover for the overnight guy, and I keep nodding off, but I can't stop thinking about my friend, Candace.

The Misadventures in Candyland is my all time favorite blog. Hands down. It's the funniest, bravest, most honest thing I've ever read. I dearly miss reading her posts every day, like I used to get to do. Candace has been going through some rough times, lately, with a very difficult pregnancy, and .... well, it's not really my place to put her business up on my blog, but you should go read her post.

Like now.

I already sent her something to try to help, but I would really like it if some of you could lend a hand as well. If everyone who normally leaves a comment here could send Candace and her family even just one dollar, for her wonderful children, Lillihammer, and the Sullinator, it would probably be enough to carry them through to the next paycheck.

I can promise you this is not a scam, and is 100% genuine. Candace gives a lot of her time and effort to a lot of good causes, and because of tough times, this time the cause is her kids. So please, if you can afford to do anything to help, please do.

And if you can't, Candace's blog is still an incredibly entertaining, but also informative place to visit.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

First of all, thanks so much to everyone who reads this blog. Even if you only lurk, or even if you only clicked "follow this blog" once, years ago, and never came back, I appreciate your support.

For me, personally, this journey to publication is something I could not ever have achieved alone. To have friends, people who truly understand, that is what makes it all bearable.

Some of you are new here, so I will give you a little history. I started this blog in March of 2009, almost two years ago. At the time, I'd given up on wanting to be a writer, you know, a real writer. I hadn't written a thing in months, and I was so frustrated by how difficult it seemed to be to break into the publishing industry, I was ready to give up on my passion, and settle for the table scraps of a life the corporate world was willing to give me.

The real reason I was discouraged, though, is that I was trying to do it alone. I did not know a single other person who was a writer. I was not in contact with a single person who was a professional in the publishing industry. Sure, I researched query letters, and I wrote to some agents, but I wasn't going about it right. I didn't connect with anyone.

So long story short, before I go on for way too long about all this, I started a blog, met some amazing people, and now feel more energized about my creative passion than I ever have in my entire life. I've had short stories published, I've met agents, editors, and famous authors, but most importantly, I've begun real friendships with people whose love of writing is the same as mine.

Back when I first started, I remember looking up to bloggers who had a thousand followers like the were some kind of paragons.

I remember first meeting Elana Johnson, and she already had just over a thousand followers at the time. We became friends, and she has probably taught me more about the ancient and honorable art that is the query letter than anyone, except maybe:

Lisa and Laura Roecker have been friends of mine for a long time. They were always so nice, and were one of the first people to lend their fame to my blog, offering their support to someone just starting out. I remember being so excited watching them reach that thousand follower milestone.

I think I met Shannon Messenger before she had a thousand followers, but she's been so famous for so long, it's hard to remember. What with being the queen of the writing/publishing conference circuit, and running WriteOnCon with the ladies listed above (and Casey and Jamie), it's hard to imagine how Shannon found the time to respond to my inane comments, and send me rambling emails (which I loved, hugz, Shan).

Rock Star of the literary world, Nathan Bransford probably had more than 2500 followers when I first started reading his blog, and in fact, his blog was probably the only thing that inspired me to start a blog more than watching that movie, Julie & Julia (yes, I'm a dork, deal with it). In spite of all the people he interacts with and helps, Nathan still always found the time to respond to questions in his forums, and had the best attitude of any publishing professional I knew.

Now ... now that I'm here, wherever here is, I hate to have to tell you: having a thousand followers really doesn't mean a thing. It's just an arbitrary number, and while it's fun to look up there and see it, it means so very little compared to real, human connections, or something tangible, like actually finishing a manuscript.

I'm not saying that if you're inspired to build a popular blog with a big following that you shouldn't go for it, because you should, but I am saying that now that I've reached this milestone I'd hoped for for so long, it puts things in perspective. Things like: writing a novel, finishing the manuscript to the point where it is submittable, earning author representation from a literary agent, and selling a book to an editor, that's what really matters.

At least to me.

What about you guys? Where are you in your journey? Do you care about having a lot of blog followers? Do you read and follow the blogs I mentioned? Because if you don't, you should.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Well, first things first, Happy New Year everyone! May 2012 bring you everything you're hoping for.

Before we get back into the swing of things around here, I've got a couple of announcements.

Thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh, whose continued friendship and support seems to be able to net me followers, even on days when I'm not posting. His post from yesterday, featured me along with four other awesome bloggers who are all nearing 1000 followers. If you don't follow Alex, or you don't follow the bloggers he mentions, you should go take care of that.

Other than that, 2012 will probably be a bit different here at the QQQE. I've almost got this novel ready for submission, and I've got a couple agents waiting on me, so I'll be posting less often, and reading blogs less often than I'd like to, but I expect to make up for missing quantity with some great quality posts.

For one thing, my good friend and personal inspiration, Adam Heine, has recently signed with an agent for author representation, and he's going to be sharing and analyzing his query letter with me this Friday, harking back to the series of Successful Queries that are probably what first put this blog on the map.

In the same vein, I'll be doing a lot of query critiques early this new year, but if you have a letter you think might need a little work, feel free to send me an email. And if you are an author, or you know an author, whose query letter landed them an agent, and they'd like to help others by analyzing why it worked, get in touch.

You might notice I changed my blog photo. I do not actually wear my hair like that. I'd probably be fired from my soul-sucking day job if I did. I shave my own head, because there's very little left up top, so I was messing with my daughter over the holidays, and showing her what a mohawk was, and we took that photo. Just for fun.

Finally, I've got some big news coming up, about some exciting things I'll be taking part in this year, but I can't reveal it just yet.

The QQQE Massive.

Who Am I?

I'm the father of two beautiful young ladies, three lazy cats and one adorable German Shepherd. Together we live in the mountains of north Georgia amid my endless collection of vinyl records.
I run this blog in an attempt to help other novice writers avoid the mistakes I made in the beginning of my road to publication. Believe me, I made many.