I’m just gonna cut to the chase because I am so hungover and I just realise my tshirt is on backwards.

So last night I was the drunkest daughter at the party. It was V embarrassing. I don’t remember much about the night but I guess I should recap a little … So basically me and all my friends were in the city at this charity ball. Nothing happened there because we weren’t truly that fucked up. My best friend did hook up with a son like 4 years younger than her though so there’s that. We all went to the after party which was sketchy af down in soho like in between two Chinese laundromats. Once there, I realized it was BYOB and I guess so did everybody else because once we got there there was not much alcohol left. I, thinking the smart move would be to get drunk before the drinks ran out, chugged about half a handle of straight vodka in about 5 mins. I have had a pretty rough weekend including one of my friends telling everyone I am a psychopath so getting wasted was obvs my only option. So this is where things get hazy but I’ll add a list of things I remember

1. Trying to take a painting with this son I kissed on the train to the city and getting rejected

2. Dancing on the table singing a very botched version of trap queen( ok I don’t remember this but I watched it on snapchat)

3. Saying hi to everyone

4. Reaching inside the blazer pocket of a boy who i went to summer camp with as a kid for a cigarette

That’s like it. I lost my brand new Valentino rockstuds and my Barbour jacket. People are saying I ruined the after party because I was puking in the corner and was all around in shambles. How do I recover from this Betch ?? Do I just let it roll off my back? HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SHOES ?!?!??!

Merry Christmas Betches.Love,

Unable to drink vodka bc it savours like that time I nearly died.

PS I wanted to attach a scene but our school has a mad strict honor code and I’m truly not trying to get kicked out

PPS I’m gonna run get Taco Bell or something y’all wanna come

Betch’s Note: she emailed again, a minute later, adding :

ok I only sent this email but now there is this rumor going around saying I went to the hospital ?? Betches save my reputation.

Also no one has received my shoes.

Dear drunk and shoeless , First, thank you for the v entertaining email. In the words of Miranda Priestly, I assure a lot of myself in you. I hope that you at the least had the common sense to get yourself a Gatorade . There’s a lot of issues at play here so let’s handle it one issue at a time, from the least to the most serious . Your shoes and coat are likely a lost cause. You could post on your Facebook asking if anyone’s seen them but they’ve probably been auctioned off on eBay already and are on their way to a foreign country. Chalk it up to an occupational hazard, and don’t wear stuff you care about when you know you’re going to get shitfaced . I would just ignore the hospital thing. If someone you actually know asks you about it, deny it( assuming it isn’t true ), and then move on. It’s lame that people might think you spend the night in the ER when you really didn’t, but I entail this is pretty far from a scandalous rumor. In the long run that’s not what’s going to fuck up your reputation. Plus, it’ll blow over the next time somebody from your class goes to the hospital…so like, next weekend probs . Ookay , now that we’ve pregamed with the soft-ball advice( too soon ?), let’s get to the real issue. So I’m not your friend( yet) and I don’t go out with you often, so for me this was hilarious and like , not a big deal bc literally we’ve all been there. But, and here’s the big but: do you get like this often? If so, I can see why your friends would be pissed at you for being a night-ruiner who ruins people’s nights, and you need to take it down a couple of notches before next weekend. If this was frankly the first time you’ve gotten this crazy, I think everyone should cut you a break. Like, apologize to your friends and whoever’s floor that was for puking in their corner, but I don’t think you need to do any major injury control here. Just laugh it off and lay low( read: don’t black out) for a while, and this too shall blow over. Also, butchering Fetty Wap, kissing some random dude, and losing my shoes is literally my weekend itinerary, so. If that’s incorrect I don’t want to be right . PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN( I’m v v serious ),