Glee: Boys sing girls sing boys

So, previously on Glee, one shot of the Rocky Horror show, followed by a whole bunch of half baked storylines we haven't seen in weeks. It’s like they plot the show with huge holes in between for the musical episodes without plot that guest stars need to be in, you know?

Okay, so Sam and Finn are discussing how they're dating "the only two girls at school who won't put out". Charming. Finn explains his method for cooling down sexually, which is to imagine that car crash of his, which reminds me of a better time on this show. Sam decides to focus on the female coach, which, Ryan Murphy loves this kind of character. I'm up.

Tina wishful-thinks that she and Kurt will trade sweaters. Dream on, sweetheart. He gets thrown into a locker, and why are we surprised? Down, for now.

Puck is back! Up!

Something about sectionals...look, I used to be in competitive choirs, nothing is better than thinking about competition, and still I'm bored by this! Two funny competitors. Boys Choir, and an Old People's Choir. Maybe it’s because I had no grandparents, but what is so funny about old people automatically? Anyone? I think this has to be a down.

Mr Schue brings back the boys vs girls tournament, and apparently a year has passed since last year. These guys aren't in perpetual grade 10! I'm up! He warns Kurt to be in the boy team...

Puck is nice to Artie because there were no girls or kosher meals at juvie. Hee!!! An up.

Kurt gets bullied again, and super-surprise, the bully is an idiot. I mean, at a certain point, can we not tweak this stereotype? Then, to my immense delight, Kurt rips a strip off Mr. Schue for begin boring and complacent toward homophobia. I'm going to assume that the more visible eyeliner on Kurt is just a coincidence.

Okay, now boys sing girl songs and vice versa. Isn't this mostly still sexist, or at least traditional gender roles-esque? Puck tells him to get lost, and I want this to get going. Down.

Hahahah up! Quinn and Sam make out in front of a fire, like where are they getting it from exactly? Then he fantasizes about the lady coach so he can continue to not pre-ejaculate. I do appreciate how much attention this show gives to this very pressing issue for boys, so, yeah, it's an up.

Um, I'm back down. In addition to really predictable "coach is gross" stuff from Sue, she gives Quinn a plan. But Quinn's scorn for anyone who scorned her when she was pregnant is well documented, so I don't buy this. Down...

Artie and Puck sing "One Love" outside and it looks like Glee has a new set! Outdoor bleachers! Up, because Puck thinks they'll buy clove cigarettes, and because Puck accurately points out "you only have to be a fraction as nice to a girl as you are mean to her to get her back", which could not possibly be more tragic and true.

Kurt goes to the all boys private school to spy on the other team, learns they are rockstars there, runs through the halls with his brand new crush, and I think about how often Kurt watches Cruel Intentions by himself and cries. Now I'm crying. Up, I guess.

The prep school boys sing "teenage dream", and this is where your humble recapper abandons all cool, because these kinds of dulcet tones and vocal rhythm sections just took me back to being 14 and listening to the sr. Jazz choir singing "The Look of Love" and having such a HUGE giddy crush on Matt (redacted) and this is why I'm a nerd, so...I'm going to guess this is an up. Needless to say, Kurt's new love has the lead. Also? Download this song.

Okay, but now I'm down, because all I can think of is how much I want Bert Hummel to be able to afford private school tuition and I don't think he can and you guys....!? Seriously, tears.

Okay, now Mike and Tina are using the 'picture Beast to keep from coming' routine. But now it's Tina using it. What? Meanwhile, Quinn accuses Sam of sleeping with Beast, to said woman's face. So does Mike. This is really dumb. Down down down, but I'm still in the glow of Kurt's new school's song, so I'm ok.

Now Mr. Schue is lecturing the kids for what they fantasize about. Do I even have to tell you that this is a down? And that he's making it about something it isn't?

Three of the prep school boys have busted Kurt, and are being adorable to him. They laugh when he thinks they're all gay. Only the cute ones are! Kurt spins off into a private school fantasy again, or maybe that's me. I hurt for him so much. As if he didn't resent his middle classness already...

Kurt's new boy, who I don't think has a name, left his old school because of bullying. I wish I could snark more, guys, but except for clunky lines like "prejudice is just ignorance", this is pretty accurate and, in this stage of "It gets better", seems not all that farfetched. So I'm up, especially when boyfriend tells Kurt to stay and fight.

Ohhhh, here we go with a down, girls bitch about what they should do for competition, whine that Rachel isn't helping, then Artie and Puck insult Santana and Britney while asking them out. Neat. UGH.

Will avoids telling Beast what's going on with the kids for one nanosecond before telling her what they're doing, which, what kind of normal adult does such a thing?? Then to go into specifics about what they're doing? Are you seven years old, Will? Down, because this is absolutely ridiculous.

The date of misogyny starts off humorous as Puck tells juvie stories. I thought they were going for a paraplegia joke, but instead it becomes about Artie not being a dick? Down, but also boring.

Okay, the girls are singing a 'Start Me Up/Living on a Prayer' mashup and I have heard all y'all and your Lea Michele resentment, but there's nothing her voice cannot do! This kind of rocks, and is funny. It's a straight up Up.

Schue is beckoned to the aud, Sue is being weird about something and Beast quit and there are confetti cannons and could they please, please pick a direction for Sue, even if she does make great Annie Sullivan jokes? She's such an unreliable villain, it’s exhausting. Down.

Kurt gets slammed into a locker and chases the dude into the locker room. And yells and screams and say it with me, gets kissed by the self hating jock who is deep in the closet. You know if this was an adult show I might roll my eyes, but since it becomes increasingly clear that it is social education for tweens but with actual jokes, I don't have a problem with this. There are kids who really don't know yet that sometimes someone who protests that loudly and angrily is really hating something in themselves, so fine. Call it a draw.

Schue lectures the kids for Beast quitting when it was basically his fault. This is dumb. Down, and going further. Because now Puck is in trouble for something else, and this is suddenly a real story, now? With five minutes left, Puck has anger issues? Show.....this is a down.

So Kurt and boyfriend go outside (!) to confront big angry jock and he's closet-y, and Kurt's new boyfriend is self-possessed, and if you are a 15 year old gay teen, or you know one, are they really this cool? This easy in themselves? Please advise. This is a draw. Not enough good to be an up.

Will is an emotional counsellor to Beast who has never been kissed so he kisses her, which, gahhh. It's really condescending that he does this, he can't wait for someone who cares about her to kiss her? This is gross, and this is a down.

Puck is skipping town because that's better than going back to juvie. They are far too hard for him in there, which is pretty cute. And much more accurate, teenage wise. Artie wants to help him, and somehow this is feasible and involves talk of waffles. Whatever, it's a down because the story got fixed in five minutes.

Kurt gets pushed into the lockers again, but he has the courage of prep school boyfriend behind him. Up, because he still seems disconcerted and angry about it, and that's much more realistic than if he were just suddenly fine.

But then the boys make everything all better with the coach by apologizing and telling the coach that she is 'pretty', like why is that the fix for everything? That you call someone pretty? Come on, Ryan Murphy, you did this better the first time around in Popular. At least in that 'teachers have feelings' story Bobbi Glass was trying to make money to buy her sister a hairless pussy. I'm down on this, and the mashup of "Stop! In the Name of Love" and "Free Your Mind" is only okay.

You guys, this show just doesn't know what it is, and I'm no longer sure if the show itself is trying to figure it out or if coasting in the middle is a new brand of show. The Kurt story was real and painful at times and pretty true. The b story – I know it was supposed to be lighter and thanks for showing me teenagers kissing, but why does it have to be so fake? These people can write real teenagers, so why do they insist on sometimes making them so very not real?

Attached – Matthew Morrison in New York last night at the Emery Awards