The FBI Agent and the Naughty Librarians

Bassem Youssef used to play by the rules. As an FBI agent, he help coordinate the investigation into the first World Trade Center bombing; he infiltrated Sheik Omar Abdul Rahman’s terror organization in an undercover operation; and he worked out of the U.S. Embassy in Saudi Arabia coordinating the FBI’s relationship with 7 other countries. But, then, because there are so many incompetents at the FBI with foriegn-y sounding names (and several without), he got mistaken for someone who sucked and taken off important stuff. After that, it was a downhill slide for Bassem, right into the loving and subversive arms of the American Library Association.

Strangely, Bassem wasn’t really used to being discriminated against, what with how his Arab language skills and heritage had actually helped the FBI fight terrorism, but it’s a brand new world out there, and it’s one in which the FBI decided to pick a guy who speaks Chinese to be its executive assistant director for national security. It’s also one in which FBI Director Robert Mueller’s underlings will retaliate against senior agents for daring to complain; in which senior counterterrorism officials will admit under oath to not knowing the difference between Sunnis and Shiites or what the links are between the two World Trade Center attacks; and it’s one in which after Bassem has been interviewed on the nightly news the FBI will still intervene to prevent him from giving a speech at a conference of librarians.

In response, Bassem scrapped his speech and took questions from his naughty little librarian audience, telling them “The FBI has publicly stated that expertise in working counterterrorism matters, and cultural understanding of the Middle East and the radical Islamic groups, as well as the language, are not necessary to run the counterterrorism division.” The FBI’s response was to tell reporters that they totally have people that speak Arabic! And when timely translations are needed, they have the National Virtual Translation Center, also known as Babelfish. Great. I feel totally secure in our governments terrorist-fighting abilities now! On to Iran, and victory!