Sunday, March 2, 2014

Trust and Brokenness

I've missed blogging, really.but as the year progressed it just got easier not to write. I had excuses, time mostly, but really they were just excuses. what it boiled down to is I know I needed to make this place more then just about the crafty things I do, the meals I plan and the occasional adventure.I needed to be more transparent.as many before me have written-it is so easy to write only the good things going on and not the tough things also.2013 was hard, really hard. nothing catastrophic happened, but emotionally i was a mess-went into 2014 a mess-still a mess. I've finally remembered to press into God. Trying to do so, day by day. minute by minute.second by second.I think it had alot to do with turning 30.Not particularly old, quite young still but I was no where that I thought I would be. The big glaring one- not being a mom. Something I've always wanted to be.I thought I would be done having babies by 30, not still hoping and praying.Something I still don't know how to have the balance of talking about and not rambling about. Sharing my story, my pain and not vomiting it all over anyone and everyone. Mostly though I've spent the last year heart broken- alternating between ignoring God and whinging to Him about it. Quiet cries of Why? Loud cries of why? Anger, depression, lies to myself that I'm ok with where I'm at, that I believe in Gods perfect timing and I just need to be patient. (something I really do believe, but in this case was just trying to talk myself into believing rather then actually believing.) Brokenness. and that's what it's about, going to the feet of God-broken and seeking Him wholeheartedly. Trusting Him with your hopes and dreams and not being angry to my father for saying no. It's not your timing, my timing.It's not about the physical and medical aspects of not being pregnant. yes, that's a component but its trust. Trust that whether or not I someday become a mom- naturally or otherwise- He has a plan for me and I need to genuinely and diligently seek that. Trust that He has my best interest heart. Trust that He sees the whole picture and I'm only seeing a very small part of it. That I need not stomp my foot like a petulant child not getting their way. Trust.Such a small word with such big ramifications. I'm learning, despite myself what it means.