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My Boyfriend Is Staring At and Flirting With Other Women!

I’m dating this man, who on many, many counts is really wonderful. He’s a very intelligent man, classy, generous, loving and not a womanizer. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, and sexy, etc., and how lucky he is to have found me. He says almost every day that he wants to marry me, and how he misses me terribly when we are apart. That’s all wonderful to hear! I feel the same way about him.

The problem is, that whenever we go out, he looks at other women. Not just the average-guy looking. He’s staring at them. He gets so caught up in it, even while holding my hand and walking past shops, he’ll head into one, if he sees someone attractive inside. He’ll sit with me at restaurants and look. He’s even go so far as to look behind me to see someone again, and has looked long enough many times to make eye-contact. Seems to try to make eye contact, too.

He’s a very sociable guy. Says hello to most people (men and women). But he does have a shy side and is uncomfortable in large groups where he knows no one. He is also extremely clever with humor, and easily silly and good with the come-backs that are hysterically funny.

But it’s these long-looks, or just about forgetting that I’m there right next to him, that are really bothering me. I’m not enjoying this. It’s starting to ruin the relationship for me. It makes me question his feelings for me, and his comments that I’m so beautiful, and here he’s looking at all these other women.

I know he’s proud of how I look. He’s told me many times that he feels that men are envious around him of me. I do get looked at often by men, but I don’t make eye contact like he does. I think that it’s rude to my partner, although I am tempted to show him how it feels! But I don’t want to play games. That is not my style.

I’ve only once made a comment about what he was looking at recently. I couched it in a joking form, to make the comment, but let him know that I’ve noticed his staring. He got immediately defensive. I didn’t ask him why, just said something to the effect of: “oh, it’s the beer in her hand you were looking at?!” He bristled. I could feel his shock at my comment. He was completely silent and had no response. He must have stared at this woman for 10 minutes before he said he wanted a beer. Other than that, he seems oblivious to his behavior.

How do I let him know I’m insulted that he does this so consistently?

How do I avoid an argument that will be simply denial on his part, and be productive to let him know this really bothers me, that he goes out of his way to look/stare? How do I let him know that I don’t trust his words, then, that he thinks I’m beautiful, etc., if he’s got to look at every woman we pass by?

It’s made me not want to go places with him anymore.

I look forward to your response!

Thank you,

Karen

I appreciate all the details you provided, Karen, because they paint a fully-fleshed out picture of your relationship. It would easy to demonize your boyfriend as evil, but you bother to mention that he is sociable, that he praises your beauty, and that he wants to marry you.

Which is why his over-the-top leering is so highly inappropriate….

Listen, if anybody in the world would be expected to defend an inappropriate flirt, it’s me. I’ve toed the line for so many years that I don’t even know where the line is anymore. That said, let’s first assume a few things:

Number 1, let’s assume that everything you said about your guy is true. He really does love you, he really does find you attractive, he really does see a future. This establishes conclusion Number 2 – namely, that if a man loves you, he doesn’t want to hurt you. Sure, people hurt each other all the time, but in healthy relationships, the hurt generally comes from an unintentional place.

As always, I speak from experience. I had an ex who didn’t like my flirting. Except she saw flirting at times I wasn’t even flirting. I could be handing 84 cents to a 17-year-old checkout girl at a grocery store in Florida , or trying to coerce a 51-year-old woman bartender into pouring me a stiffer drink, but no matter what semi-attractive female I talked to, I got a mouthful afterwards. This was paranoia to the extreme. And it was counterintuitive and counterproductive.

Counterproductive in that yelling at me to change didn’t really make me want to change. Counterintuitive in that she was trying to stifle the same charm she initially fell for. Talking to strangers isn’t a habit – it’s a personality trait – one that doesn’t go away upon request. And to be clear, I’m an equal opportunity talker. I spent a half hour talking to a very attractive man in her presence at an art gallery, but didn’t get chewed out for it. No, my crime was in talking to someone that my girlfriend felt was threatening – even though the threat was all in her head.

Talking to strangers isn’t a habit-it’s a personality trait- one that doesn’t go away upon request.

So in case you’re a woman reading this and you’re trying to change his personality, save yourself the trouble and just dump him. Ultimately, this is what my girlfriend did – for the betterment of both of us.

Let’s also distinguish the difference between flirting with intention and flirting without intention.

Flirting with intention is when you have a stranger on your lap at a party and you ask for a phone number.

Flirting without intention is when you smile and ask for your waitress’ name. One is inappropriate, the other is benign….

If YOU’RE insecure about being cheated on, you’ll find the waitress thing problematic. If you’re not insecure, there’s no reason to be bothered. This is YOUR issue, not his. Same goes for men who freak out when other guys check out their sexy girlfriends. If you fell for her because she’s sexy, you don’t suddenly tell her to dress like a nun out of your own insecurity. That’s hypocritical and it’s no wonder that creates unnecessary tensions in the relationship.

To bring this back to you, Karen, it sounds to me like you have a good guy on your hands who has a big blind spot. He’s more oblivious than malicious. Which doesn’t mean he’s off the hook. By calling him out, you embarrassed him in a passive-aggressive way. Yes, he deserved it, but there IS a better way of handling it….

Namely, you need to have an emotionless heart-to-heart with him. Don’t bite his head off the next time he does it. “The way you leer at other women is disgusting!” Instead, find a time when everything’s humming along and say, “I’ve been thinking…” Now you have his attention.

Before you go for the kill, let him know that you love him and that 95% of the time he makes you feel special. It’s just that this small percentage of the time, he might not even realize that he stares at other women. And it’s not that you don’t think he has the right to peek or find others attractive, it’s that when his gaze lingers, HE MAKES YOU FEEL HURT. Believe me, no man wants to be responsible for making a woman feel hurt.

Believe me, no man wants to be responsible for making a woman feel hurt.

He’ll be defensive, but he’ll listen. And although he’ll keep looking for years to come – his behavior is long-ingrained – he’ll at least be more aware of himself and respectful of you.

It’s ironic that you should have to appeal to his gentlemanly side when he’s being such a lech, but it’s true. Let him know that you feel hurt and he will do everything in his power to stop hurting you.

And if you find that you can’t put up with his disrespectful behavior – and you have every right to feel that way – you know what you need to do.

Comments:

91

Denise

Oh D., I’m so sorry to hear this situation you’re in. I’m not sure what to say, perhaps others have had experience with this type of thing.

I feel badly for you in that this is ‘out of the blue’ and pretty serious behavior–you sound angry, and I can’t say I blame you. I also feel badly for him since this sounds like a serious physical/mental condition.

Ultimately, this may be a situation that you will have to leave. However, if you could also manage to find some sympathy for his condition and situation, that might help overall to keep some positive when going through this.

I was engaged to a guy who adored me but also did this. I told him how it made me feel and although he seemed to stop for a while, once we lived together it came back again and it made me increasingly feel lacking in self worth. His lack of respect also began to come out in other, more unpleasant ways too. I so wish I’d said goodbye after the first time, but I was well and truly hooked. I left after a few months but was a total mess for nearly two years. (And I mean total.) It’s a painful realisation to apprehend that there’s a gap between what someone SAYS and what they DO, but as the old adage states, ‘actions speak louder than words’. I appreciate now that previously I’d been fairly lucky in meeting men who did what they’d said for the most part. Integrity is a key issue in relating. I’m in agreement with Evan’s advice, given that this guy obviously cares about Karen, but what worries me is that this guy can get lost in this for so *long*, and to the point of following a woman into a shop! If you love someone (and remember love is a *verb* – then you empathise with them and don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’d say watch out you don’t have a red flag with bells on!

Very interesting comments on flirting and ogling. I have suffered this behavior from my partner of 12 yrs. First it was flirting with my girlfriends who he claimed were ‘hitting on him and what can he do?’ then he went into full blown ogling other women while I sat beside him feeling Invisible. Does not matter what age they are twenty or fifty. He will stand close to them with his face and eyes directly planted on theirs almost like inducing a trace in his awesome manliness. His last weirdness was a phone call while out of town gushing to me how he just saw the most ‘beautiful pussy Ever!’ at a strip bar and I heard later he asked his buddy to call some hookers. And then I find out he got shit kicked at the bar by the strippers ‘boyfriend’ for his verbal ogling while she stripped. Yeah he loves me. He loves loves loves me. When I hear him speak these words I want to smash him in the face. He claims I am paranoid and insecure but you know what? that is bs. This is not respectful towards our relationship; I mean what kind of real Man behaves this way then tries to make it the woman’s fault? Like I pulled these events out of my fantasy ass? He is immature and cultured by a male world that makes excuses to sexually objectify women based on the rights of being a MAN. He says, when I approach the topic in a quiet non-threatening manner, “I work hard, I am a Man, I can do what I want”…end of discussion! I appreciate this forum and the honesty you all have expressed on a topic not usually discussed. thanks!

Searching all over the web on this subject has been interesting. What hits home for me is the validation/excuse of it being a mans nature to flirt and cant be changed. Many things change when we marry and mature. I sold my Firebird for a SUV when I had kids. I changed my spending habits to benefit my family. I cook better meals than when I was singe for the health and well being of my hubby and kids. ETC. It is normal to look but out of respect ie love for your partner it should be kept to a minimum in their company. Men are capable of both self awareness, and awareness of their partners feelings. My husband looks, looks again, and if theyre hot turns around & looks again – while walkng next to me. If there are 3 pretty women in a gym at our boys wrestling tournament by the end of the day I guarantee he will have worked himself into a position of laughing conversation with 2 of them. If we’re walking out of a store side by side and a pretty clerk is stocking a clothes rack suddenly he is 20′ behind me in a laughing interaction with that clerk (twice in 2 days last wk!). He often says egotistical things…like how this one or that one was checking him out. On the flip side if a guy looks at me he gets mad and sarcastic at ME. We just got past an inernet porn addiction – he’s been ‘clean’ over a year. Before that it was inappropriate friendship with a neighbor. I am highly tired of one problem after another. I know, I know…he doesnt respect me.

Oh boy, I’m sorry to hear this. It sounds like you’ve stood your ground and have worked through a lot of issues with this man. You’re a strong, loyal woman.

It sounds to me that he has very poor boundaries. I have no idea if is a physiological problem, or he’s just really immature, or both–only a medical professional could determine this. Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine what YOUR boundaries are in regard to what you are willing to work with and accept, and this is a very personal decision with a lot of factors I’m sure. Every ongoing relationship we have is 100% voluntary, on both sides.

Karen, your situation mirrors what I’m going through right now. Unfortunately, I too have a boyfriend who can’t resist trying to get noticed when an attractive girl nearby. I’m not sure what it stems from, insecurity? Narcissism? Signs of wanting something new? The other day a beautiful girl and her guy were having dinner at a table next to us. My boyfriend took one look at her and ‘lit up.’ He started talking louder, became more animated, turned the conversation to himself – as though he was on a stage and she was there to see him. I sat there watching this performance, looking at him in disgust. He didn’t even notice I was annoyed until the check came and I immediately headed for the door. When confronted, he apologized and made sure to tell me how he feels, telling me that I am the one and he means nothing by it. Well it hurts. He truly loves me, I’m sure of that but these actions are a bit concerning. And hurtful. He’s never given me any reason to suspect he’s a cheater so for the most part I’ve dismissed it to being harmless. I’m here trying to figure out if the behavior is going to be a deal breaker. I’m in tears, our relationship is truly great and we get along very well otherwise. I absolutely love and adore him! But if can’t contain himself from putting a stranger with a pretty face above his respect for our relationship -and me, then this is a serious problem. We’ve been together a year and a half and so far, all I can gather is that he is insecure and looking for validation. Ego boosting?. Not really a bid deal, we all like to be noticed now and then. I’m not necessarily a jealous type and sign up for the ‘you can’t control what other people do but you are in control of your actions’ attitude. With that, it makes me wonder what he would do if a woman responds to his attention. What next? How does he act when I’m not around? My instincts are kicking in so the emotional vs. rational thing is convoluting my feelings. If he does this more in the future, I will leave. Sad. Hope the men out there realize the pain it causes and that it’s not worth hurting those you love just to fulfill some desire to be liked by a stranger. I wish you luck and hope your guy changes, you seem like a very fair, level-headed, nice and caring girl.

Wow, lots of comments, so I’ll keep mine short. Yes, all men look and most of them are classy and mature enough to do it discretely. But when a guy overtly leers, ogles, and initiates flirtatious chats with other women in the presence of his own woman, that’s something else altogether. To me, it speaks volumes about a man’s insecurity, neediness, self-absorption, and just plain cluelessness. That’s a guy I don’t want as my guy. Sure, to be fair, a woman can calmly and directly let the guy know that his behavior is hurtful and hope that he takes it to heart and changes. Miracles still happen. But my (admittedly crude) estimate is that 99% of the time he already knows that and, in fact, has been told it before by other women who eventually gave him the heave-ho. His words of assurance — “you’re beautiful, you’re so sexy, I’m so lucky” — mean nothing if his actions speak otherwise.

Zann: “His words of assurance — “you’re beautiful, you’re so sexy, I’m so lucky” — mean nothing if his actions speak otherwise.” Zann, I couldn’t agree with that statement more. Problem with our culture is that both men and women are promoted to indulge, indulge, indugle themselves. Especially true of male sexuality where we often hear about pop culture biology and how “it’s just natural”. Yes, it’s natural to notice members of the opposite sex. But it comes down to what is more important to you. And if a man is more interested in oggling, then we know what’s important to him. On a popular man’s site I read an article about how to be out in public with your girlfriend and use clever ploys to distract her so you could check out other women. What’s the message there? First, women apparently don’t deserve respect. Second, it’s more important to trick your girlfriend into thinking you’re a good man then actually be a good man. And there is a huge difference between noting that someone is attractive and lusting after them. How many guys are lusting and how many are objectively just noticing? I have to think that more guys are lusting then not. Because they wouldn’t be looking if there wasn’t some lusting. Which brings me to the whole “she’s just insecure” or “threatening” comments. Yes, women have a right to be insecure or threatened by certain resonable behaviors without it meaning her opinion isn’t worthwhile or is *just* based on “insecurity”. Lets be honest, a man can be with you but if he is looking at another woman, that’s a clear cut sign that he is most likely interested in her. Even if it’s on a purely biolgical level. A woman’s feelings of insecurity is just as much a biological warning sign of her mates interest in another. Of course we all know that most men aren’t going to leave their current partner for the looker. BUT biologically, it’s still a natural threat. Women aren’t mind readers but we are told all day long how much men like other women and their bodies, even by men themselves! So if a man is looking at another woman, it’s reasonable to conclude that he just might be interested in her. I do disagree with you Zann that a : “all men look and most of them are classy and mature enough to do it discretely.” I’m not convinced that even discrete looking is that classy or mature. It’s still about what serves someone’s own selfish interests. But that’s my personal opinion. I think most women would be okay with looking if it was a non-sexual “oh she is nice looking” thought then “wow look at those boobs I’d like to lick them”.

Everyone read this article that Evan linked to on Sunday. It may well be natural or almost reflexive to glance from time to time. But staring extensively (minutes??!) and then going out of his way to approach them? That is someone who is *interested* in these other women.

Karen, it is good you had this talk with him, and he genuinely seems concerned about losing you from what you describe, but the fact is he is pursuing other women when he says (believes ?) is in love with you. At *best* he is confused about how he really feels about you. . at worst this is a prelude to infidelity. You have time and heart invested in this relationship, so maybe it is worth seeing how it all plays out, but I would have told you to run.

Now think about that NY Times article. If he truly values and wants to be with you, he will lose interest in other women, now that he explicitly knows that interest is a threat to something he cares about, his relationship with you.

That Times article is for real. I know because it happened to me. I was someone who would fret over past relationships, wondering “what if” between relationships, wondering what these “shes” were up to, sometimes even when I had started dating other women! I would not call them or anything, but my thoughts turned to them.

During my last relationship, about 4 months in I noticed I wasn’t looking to see if one woman’s car was there when I drove by her house on the way home. I thought about it and realized that I wasn’t thinking about any of my past girlfriends anymore in that “what if” way. I looked around and realized I wasn’t even seeing *women* anymore. They had all become just *people*…except for the one woman who I was deeply in love with and dating. I was somewhat startled, because I had always held a place in my heart for memories. That was how I knew how important the woman I was dating was to me. The woman I was dating broke up with me many months after this, but I do have to thank her for clearing out my attic. I no longer am attracted to my past and only look to the future.

Maybe where I ended up is extreme. The fact is though, I went through what that Times article described. I was concerned about threats to what I truly valued and on a subconscious level and I learned to remove that threat. When I learned of other things she found threatening I worked consciously to remove them too. I am sure every man can do this. *If* he doesn’t remove threats from his relationship with you, then he does not value it as much as he thinks. *If* he continues to flirt you will be at risk that one day he will act further than he means to when you are not around.

It sounds like you are already on track to end it if needed. Good luck.

That phone call about the nicest looking pussy is vulgar beyond description. Yet, sometimes I also think it is natural to some men to think this way. I have heard it said all men look and if it is true then is it possible that there is a flaw in the whole specie? That, if true, something needs to be done to wipe this behaviour out as we do with virusus, TB, etc. Men, please help me out, tell me how can we show you that oogling is not exceptable behaviour. In my country centuries ago if a man even so much as looked at a women outside of his rank he was staked. Today that may be a little harsh. What if we treated oogling like smoking, and had anti campaigns about it? Some people said it is a personality trait. So do we need to institutanalize the people who go to far and drug them as we do with many behaviours that hurts other people? Please understand, I am seriously asking advice for for how to stop this behaviour as it HURTS so many.

Melissa asked: (#102)“I am seriously asking advice for for how to stop this behaviour as it HURTS so many.”

My brother and I are both straight. If you call my brother gay, he’ll be upset and angry. If you call me gay (or worse), I’ll shrug it off and go about my business. It’s the same inappropriate behavior, but it upsets him, while I’ll forget about it.

As adults, we choose whether we are hurt by others. In order to hurt me, you generally have to do bodily harm. I don’t understand why you choose to be hurt by so many other things.

Melissa asked: (#104)“my question is how do we deal with inappropriate behavior effectively?”

First, recognize that their inappropriate behavior is a reflection upon them, not you. That way you’ll no longer be hurt by it.

Second, don’t associate with the people you feel behave inappropriately. Don’t date them. Don’t socialize with them. It’s very effective.

Melissa asked: (#104)“I guess you may be concerned about some of my softer suggestions so I’ll forego some of the more hardball ones.”

You think institutionalizing and drugging people for boorish behavior is a “softer” suggestion, and you think impaling a boor on a stake “may be a little harsh.”

You’re coming across as being far worse than the men you’re complaining about.

Just be a cool g/f and have a threesome with some of these and even a foursome with another couple so you have fun too! Give a kid too much candy and they realize they don’t have to have it. My g/f will let me bring any girl home to have sex with because shes bi and ever since we had our rendezvous I rarely look at other girls…why?? Because I know I can have them.. We all want what we can’t have. Give him a taste and you too

It doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. My husband and I have been married forever: we are 59 years old. He ogled. Everywhere. Grocery store, music festivals, funeral homes: scans the area for an attractive woman and looks at specific body parts, pornographically..makes eye contact and smiles to let them know he likes them. I don’t even want to leave the house with him anymore. Add to the ogling the age factor: we all know a woman is devalued in our culture for aging. I feel ashamed for it….and my husband is NOT ogling other 60 year old women. I look damn good…I am a “former” beautiful sexy woman..he couldn’t say it enough when we were younger. We have been through this same painful discussion many many times aaa the way he stares has ramped up…to the point where he does the most intimate thing…making eye contact and smiling.

Last week we were taking a walk with our dog by the lake where there are always teenagers in bikinis or short shorts hanging out. I held my breath as we walked by a group if them. Knowing what would happen…but I kept talking, telling him what I was telling him, and when he whipped his head around to get that good second stare in, I stopped talking: this is a cue he knows well…and he has enough disrespect for me, I feel, to get irritated with ME and say “what? I’m turning around to look st you so you know I’m listening to you”

And I accepted that and said nothing. This is a frequent occurrence , that he says something like that to me.

I have had enough.

It isn’t that I don’t look st really good looking men(my husband us NOT one) and “appreciate them”…I do it in my head. My husband seems to think he has to let the women know what he us thinking.

Here’s the really bad part if all of this: as I said earlier, this has been an issue for a long time. Every time we have gone through this he has adamantly insisted that my perceptions are WRONG..that he just looks at people (PEOPLE)who pass in his line of vision…like anyone does…that he is not staring at anyone…I would eventually say how do I know you are not lying? He would be on his KNEES swearing that he has NEVER, not even once, lied to me in our lifelong relationship…EVER.

So, the other night, during this latest difficulty with his behavior, where I approached the while thing unemotionally, unlike past times, he finally blurted out SO I LIE ABOUT IT..IM A LIAR.

Wow. Years if being told my perceptions are totally wrong: wanting to believe him: he has been lying.

What else does he lie about?

I am extremely depressed about this. I feel like I have no choice but to leave at this point. He just wants everything to go back to “normal”….and I don’t even want to leave the house with him.

I am in the exact same situation as this lady and it is absolutely crushing me. He used to make me believe when he would tell me all these things about how he felt about me. Now when he tells me that my response is, just keep telling yourself that! I have had several conversations with him in regard to this and it has not changed. Now he does and tries to hide it and thinks i dont notice it but i still see it. This wasnt this way in the beginning of our relationship and a year later i have seen it for about the last 6 months. i dont know what to do about it and i am so hurt and have had my confidence and self esteem beet uu by it. i dont want to even go into public with him anymore cause i know its going to happen and i just want to scream when he does it. i am a single mother of two and 44 years old and i dont feel that i should be going thru this ever and especially at this stage of my life.

I am a fifty year old divorced woman with much life experience. Your boyfriend’s behaviour is not condusive to long term contentment. It will distance your intimacy because he is not fully present. Overtime, it will annoy you and ultimately make you angry. Your own self esteem and respect for him will diminsh. Your boyfriend may be fun, but there is something missing there.

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I have the same story. I am 27, petit, size 8, they said im attractive and my boyfriend is 44. He is very nice, loving, sweet, caring and he is just very good. It is not just the first time he has done it but last night was worst. We went into a restaurant and there is this like 19 years old lady with really tight very short shorts with a tight top on. These lady went to get some drinks and my boyfriend saw her. Stared at her until she went back to her table. I felt very angry! I did not say anything then. There were ladies passing by our table goin to the toilet and he stares at them too ( if they are fit and sexy ). I told him ” you know, your eyes are everywhere “. The place was really very busy and he said ” there are a lot going on “. I assumed he meant very busy.

I told him again but your eyes are everywhere where there is a young sexy girl. He just said ” where? “. He then said ” if I look at them it doesn’t mean I fancy them”. I don’t know if he notices when he is looking at these girls or just pretending. I really don’t know how to open it up again with him.

I have a similar problem, but perhaps more serious. I apologize for spelling mistakes, but I’m from another country and I am using a translator. I met a wonderful man through a website where I keep my photos. I am very lush and have many visitors on my page, where men make many compliments. This man I met was from another country and fell in love over the Internet. We talked every day, all the time at work and at home. Although the Internet declarations of love and we talked a lot when he was about to come to my country to know me, got a little scared that I was not exactly the same person from the internet, be a trap or something like that. And I told him I loved him and he said yes, but they were only words and he only had assurance of my love personally. Ok He swallowed his fear and came to meet me. It was wonderful, but he only spent four days with me. We met and we were so happy at the hotel. He is sweet polite, romantic, sexy, beautiful, gentle, intelligent and extremely sociable. After being together in the hotel Diaz who he wanted to marry me, we’d be together forever, that I was beautiful, the ideal woman for them and everything. However on the fourth day there were some problems (not me, but in his life) and at night when we were dining at the hotel, he could not stop looking for a woman. He’d go out of the restaurant and turned his gaze to me, when she appeared again he was mesmerized by it. And then not to be part of the situation I said to him: “you’re beautiful” and he told me back “no, you’re beautiful.” The problem is that he began to speak looking at me and ended the sentence looking at her. And it was a good time, because I’m too sweet to commit any rudeness, especially with someone I like and I just swallow the situation. Until I insisted saying that he was very handsome (he does not think, but it really is) and then he said “I bet this girl does not think the same thing (she was passing by our table).” Actually she was not looking for him, he is insistently that he was looking for her. At first I thought it was just force of habit, because it is much observed of all. He always looks at everything around us. He also looks at other girls, but I do not care, I think a normal man when looking quickly find something interesting or beautiful. But what surprised me and bothered me was the insistence with which he looked at her. Mainly because I am a woman who call too much attention where I go, all look and he does not care, he is proud. So I wondered: Is it just me or for others to see it be with a beautiful woman, but in fact his desire to be with others? Then three months passed without seeing us, until I went to spend a week with him. This week, the only striking thing was when he told me that the title would look good on a bus to look for a woman who was on the side. I would not be upset d see that he was watching his wife, just the fact that he was uncomfortable lying about looking at the bus. He wants me to go live with him, but it is a very important decision and I am very confused about it. In two weeks we were together two unpleasant situations have occurred. Aside from the fact that he’s always with me when working or when it is cold in his country, but when it’s party is the weekend or shines, it’s like I was dispensable. Please I really need other opinions. (Sorry about the size of the text).

My boy friend is doing the same to me and I feel totally sad about it. I think it is very unpolite I probably will leave him alone because I am not happy anymore but before that I will try to do the same to him and I will coment on other guys in front of him. How did you solve your problem?

wow reading all these comments makes me so sad, I too had a similar situation with the last guy I was seeing but dumped him by sms after couple of dates. Basically things started of great and I honestly thought I was so lucky to have met such a great guy and he was always complimenting me and everything until our last date…when I noticed he was being overly friendly with his friend’s date…weirdest situation I have ever been in and must say Im completely scarred and disgusted by the whole experience he is easy to get over but unfortunately the memory of it all will take a while to be forgotten! I was so shocked by the experience and told him a totally different reason for dumping him…didn’t explain it was the flirting but knew that I wouldn’t see him again after that night..felt telling him I didnt want to see him anymore was just what he deserved so I left him wondering what the real reason was lol something for him to think about I just think my morals are way too above that sort of behaviour and everyone who is dating these men should run fast!! If he is acting this way while he is courting you can only imagine what it will be like when you are married!! At the end of the day its all about RESPECT and if you are feeling like he isnt giving it to you get out nice and early

a relationship is about trust – respect – personal boundaries – being great friends.

a few ladies well past 40 who have had life experience tells me that all men look at other women and so do women look at other men, but when those boundaries get crossed into flirting, it is wrong.

it is normal in a relationship to share your fantasy sex celebrities and have a laugh about it – it is normal to have male and female friends.

But in my own experience i have found men who go out of their way to make a woman jealous, they should be wearing a sign that says: Warning, I am a major ass-hole who will go out of my way to make your life hell.

In another case however you get men who are completely oblivious to the fact that they stare at other women, like my dad for example. From the beginning of time to this day he has been staring at women’s asses, flirting, joking but unfortunately the big red flags he was putting up from the beginning was dismissed because my mother loved him so. in the end he has slept with over a hundred women, has two bastard children, still sleeps around and even drools over young 17 year olds and hovers over them like their a peace of meat (ive seen this with my own eyes and it revolts me) his eyes even look like their about to pop out of his head when he sees a perfectly well rounded buttox.

in this case my father is a perfect example of a narcissist, he has grandiose beliefs of himself and sees people as objects and is completely incapable of having healthy relationships – plus he likes to exert control over females and he displays most of the jealousy. but not all men are like this. just my dad.

then you get men who exert control over their women in a passive aggressive manner. You become the epitome of their lives, they tell you everyday how wonderful, beautiful you are and that you are the love of their lives – then they go out and stare at other women, flirt etc. this insures that you feel a pang of jealousy because you are supposed to be the only one he finds that amazing – but take note, the staring and flirting is done intentionally, because they want to make you jealous. that way they feel powerful, because a jealous woman generally holds on tighter to her man and that generates the false belief of having a gf who finds him irresistible and a false sense of control. mature women will not fall for this – however a less experienced one definitively will. thats why it’s important to evaluate yourself in a relationship, whether you were jealous in other relationships or if this is the first one. usually the only reason why a women loves a man like that so much, is because he gives you the kind of attention we all crave, as if you are the most beautiful woman alive, the only one that makes his life whole – but in actual fact that’s just being very unrealistic. there are millions of attractive people in this world.

the reason why these type of men pull this whole thing is because jealousy makes them feel insecure, out of control (because they are actually the jealous ones) the only way they can feel in control and confident is if they made their gfs jealous. If you figure this out from the beginning and pull this act on him, you will immediately see his attention convert to you and he will even seem like the jealous one – you will be surprised! however it’s not nice to do that and it’s immature, you will only end up drained and sad. the whole “you are so special to me” act is a cover for his true intentions, that’s why you end wondering what the hec is wrong with you. in the end “you are the crazy one” however that is the perfect plan of the guy. this whole thing was never even about you, it’s all about him.

a healthy relationship should have a strong foundation of friendship – trust, communication and healthy jealousy.

but if you find yourself getting jealous when your bf glances in another direction without the intention of making you jealous, then you need to evaluate yourself and find ways to get over your own insecurity. before you got into a relationship you use to find many people attractive and in a relationship you still do, however out of respect for one another you at least try and not make the other jealous because you respect each other, but you also have a realistic view of one another, in that sense you help each other where there are short comings, but still compliment and love.

I just find it wrong when a man repeatedly tells a woman how wonderful, beautiful and amazing she is, because that’s the first sign that he is going to make your life hell. of course when you look nice and he tells you that then great! however putting you on a tower and making you seem like a god is wrong. but of course telling you simply he loves you or that you look gorgeous today is not wrong – but be warned when he starts intentionally staring at other women or even dragging you into stores where there are attractive women. that should pretty much be intuitive enough to make you realize this guy is immature and has underlying psychological issues.

Remember – actions always speaks louder than words! you can pretty much see it on a mans face when he loves you, his body language and his day to day actions. but when his words start speaking louder than his actions, you should know that his a manipulator and is going to hurt you real badly.

I re-phrase the part where i said compliments are wrong – of course compliments are wonderful! I just meant that when he does so excessively but his actions speak otherwise for instance staring at other women and dragging you into stores, then you should know that something is wrong.

people can put up a facade and every now and again release a small part of the evil intentions – so subtle that they can get away with it for years. it’s important to look at a situation realistically and evaluate yourself, and then when your gut tells you the truth, you need to take that as a clear danger sign and get out!

I do not see any dates on these posts but it seems like it is over the past few years- I hope this person has broken it off with this man/or in a better relationship with or without him. That kind of public behavior is a terrible sign of disrespect; I have a feeling this man is going to be doing this sort of thing for his whole life… It’s true that women need to understand men better and take dating lighter but sometimes it isn’t ok to tolerate things like this-better to break up and move on-then wonder a year down the line what you ever saw in this man..

EXPERIENCED- I’m not sure how old these comments are but I wanted to praise you perceptions here:Seeing your mother go through hell made you very aware I think. It was probably just as painful for you to experience this through you mother. There are some women that have this style relationship as a pattern.. I have actually had this pattern with some men I have been with and now I see the pattern sooner. This pattern is usually with dependent -style relationships. The “better-men” honor their partners because they have a sense of self-worth and self-respect. The types of men talked about here are not that confident..

Wowee, what a wonderfully comforting, amazing blog. Thanks to Evan, Karen, and all of you for sharing, I’ve read each and every word of everyone’s comments, start to finish, and it’s great to find that even secure, happy, mature, non-jealous women can slowly be contorted into insecure, miserable, depressed shadows of their former selves, desperately attempting to keep strange women out of their lives every day, because of their SO’s sickening habit – I think we’ve all started staying home, cutting ourselves off from Life itself, just to avoid more Pain! We’re all experiencing NORMAL emotions, caused by INSECURE LOSERS. I don’t feel so alone anymore, and I’m NOT crazy, no matter how loud he yells that I am, when I call him on his nauseating behavior around women. Look up “Gaslighting” it’s where the guy denies everything, even though you (and even your friends) have seen him do it over & over. All I can really add is that, if you’re dating one of these disgusting droolers, first make sure he’s aware of your feelings about his habit, and then IF it keeps happening after he KNOWS it makes you miserable, then RUN, and don’t look back. He’s most likely been like this all his life, and probably CAN’T change, even if he wanted to. I SO agree with the blogger that mentioned that men who intentionally make their GFs jealous, do this because THEY are the true jealous/insecure ones, so they work hard at making us that way, to keep control of their own emotions, (especially if they used to be hot, and now they’re getting old & gray, and resemble fat hairy little toads.) But they do come in all shapes, ages and sizes, I just think it must be worse for the crusty ones!

Just remember one thing – DON’T play the game, chasing him around stores to see what he’s doing, maneuvering him away from places young, scantily clad women are, making yourself Physically ILL, (Yes, you will eventually get this way, if you aren’t already – no matter how non-jealous/insecure you normally used to be with SECURE men, who enjoyed making their woman secure in his love.) My (20-20 hindsight ) advice is this: Get out NOW, before you have a weak moment, and agree to marry the loser. Too late for me! A divorce would destroy what’s left of me, but I’m seriously considering it.

This blog has just given me the strength that I need to do what is right. Thank you to all! I had split with my bf of 2.5 years about 2 months ago due to his disrespectful oogling and inappropriate eye contact/flirting. He claims he loves me more than anything and would do anything to get me back. But yet he still can’t see how his oogling/eye contact has hurt me. He claims that he just an observant person and that he wants to change and has some learning to do. That was 2 months ago.My now insecure self (because of him) was willing to give him another chance because something about him keeps me holding on. We hung out one time a week ago and during that time I realized that I have lost all respect for him and secretly hate him. It’s too late, the damage has been done. He has known for over a year and half that his actions hurt me. I told him in a respectful manner, an anger manner, had public outbursts, cried and have broken up before. But this last break up was my final straw. I tired of feeling inadequate and insecure. He has a serious problem. He literal thrives on the attention of other women and I think he always will. I have to understand that fully and move on! After reading all this, I am certain that he will never change! I deserve better and so do all of you ladies in this same scenario. These kind of men don’t deserve us! Best of luck to you all.

We can only control are own actions. So stand tall and carry on! A better life is on its way!

My boyfriend does the exact same thing , but yet he denies it when I seen him look/stare with my own two eyes. He also says that he looks at everyone because we’re humans , but that doesn’t make no sense at all. Humans are all just girls? Don’t think so. I really don’t think we can’t do anything about it because my boyfriend has been doing this for a very long time after I already told him to stop doing it & he knows that I dislike it. I would also like to do the same thing back to him but I don’t play games either way. It sucks to see your man look at other girls , especially when your right next to him /:

@ZeneeLovee There is nothing wrong in starring at other girls if he isn’t particularly acting upon it. Men are “visual” beings; so the earlier you realize that, the less stress you will have in your present relationship.

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