Neagley: On Bullying

(Host)
Issues of diversity and social equity are much in the headlines these
days, and bullying seems to be widespread. Commentator Marilyn Webb
Neagley is an education consultant and author with both professional and
personal experience on the subject.

(Neagley) As a child I was
once unexpectedly shoved outside school by an older girl, who cornered
me when I tried to break away. An upper classman told her to stop, but
she ignored him with a defiant grin. Then, out of nowhere my 230 pound
grandmother appeared in her over-sized car. I'll never know why she came
for me that day but I was very glad to see her and my school mate never
bullied me again. Without a word spoken the girl understood that what
she was doing was completely unacceptable.

Sometimes, just the
strong and silent presence of a third party will help diffuse intended
harm. Other times, respectful dialogue may uncover deeper personal
stories and lead to understanding.

A neighbor recently made
racist comments, knowing that my granddaughter is bi-racial. A wise
mentor suggested that I simply respond with the question, "Why did you
say that?" It was excellent advice. Asking a question and waiting for a
thoughtful reply is potentially much more helpful than severing ties or
fueling confrontation.

Webster's Dictionary offers contradictory
definitions of the word "bully". As an adjective "bully" is synonymous
with excellent and admirable. Yet as a noun bully is defined as "a
quarrelsome, swaggering, cowardly fellow; one who terrorizes or
threatens those weaker than himself."

And bullies do sometimes
hold positions of leadership and power. They may be charming and
admirable yet feel the need to tear others down. The show of aggression
may be a way to maintain power or respond to fear. Seeking the
protection and validation of a group, bullies often gang together hoping
they themselves will not be harmed. And, if everyone else is bullying,
that must make it ok.

Few of us can say we've never been bullied
or have never bullied another. Perhaps as employers we've publicly
humiliated an employee, just to let him know who's in charge. As a
parent or teacher, we may have disciplined and embarrassed a child in
front of others. Or we may have used humor at someone's expense, just to
get a laugh.

In its simplest forms, bullying may appear as bad
manners - like choosing to ignore another person, withholding a
compliment and refusing to say "I'm sorry" or "thank you". More deeply
damaging and dangerous forms of bullying range from name-calling and
making racist or sexist remarks to physical abuse, like date rape.
Extreme examples of societal bullying are experienced through acts of
war and terrorism.

Standing up to a bully takes courage. When my
own children were picked on they were told that the bully probably
hadn't been loved enough. I hoped this would help them find the courage
not only to stand up to the bully, but also empathize with the bully.
After all, courage stems from the Latin word meaning heart.