It’s been nearly two months since I’ve blogged here. Normally, that kind of hiatus would imply that I’ve gone off the deep end and I’ve gorged myself on food and shitty habits.

That’s only partly true.

I’m very much aware of what’s going on. Every day I’ve been in a mental battle. I’m locked in this fight, and I’m trying to sort my way through it.

I never really considered food addiction or eating disorders as something that could be related to me, but it’s something I’m thinking about these days. I previously blogged to flesh ideas out. A lot of that is happening just in every day life. I can’t remember the last time I ate something crappy without knowing full well it was crappy.

I’m thinking of ways I can make blogging here easier for me. Hopefully next week I’ll have something more interesting to say.

At my current pace, compared to last year, I will finish the year with fewer miles biked than in 2010. This is partly due to 3 weeks where my bike needed repair, but mostly due to the fact that I have been gainfully employed for much of this year. A lot of my rides in 2010 came during the day, after I had spent a good deal of time applying for jobs.

The trick now is to find ways to add biking to my employed lifestyle.

First, last year I stopped riding on October 4th. Partly due to a busted tire, and partly due to the fact that I was super tired. I also lost 30+ pounds and felt pretty damn good entering the winter months.

By November I noticed the slacking off was ruining everything. I went to the internet to see if others were having similar crashes, and not surprisingly a lot of summer bloggers were missing in action. By early 2011, I knew I had an uphill climb. Every time you gain weight back, it’s harder to lose it again.

I’ve been missing updates here, and it’s mainly because the battle I’m having isn’t physical, but mental. I don’t think I’m alone in that. When the tough times occur in weight loss, it’s almost always when you’re at the cusp of really deciding that your life is going to change forever. I’ve been on that cusp for the better part of five years. I’m so close to the edge, I can smell it. It’s like sitting in a McDonald’s and thinking, “You know, I won’t miss you, you sumbitch.” It’s like grilling up chicken for the following week’s worth of lunch and thinking, “You know, it takes some time, but this is motherfuckin’ worth it.”

Swearing doesn’t validate these thoughts, but it’s reached the point where it’s hard to not have some anger behind these words. So, I had an idea.

The Reverse Commute, by definition, is “Movement in a direction opposite to the main flow of traffic, such as from the central city to a suburb in the morning rush hour.”

Think of weight loss as traffic, and how many people begin to let up on their work out regiments and backslide when it gets cold out. To be honest, I’m not sure that is true. Plenty of people have success. I’m just not one of them, and I think there are others like me. So, this is basically a plan to buck the trend and become more active through the winter months than I would’ve been previously. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever ridden a bicycle in the months of November or December. Not during my adult life, anyway. I plan on biking this winter, as long as I can.

For the last 3-4 months, I’ve contemplated how I need to start doing something with regard to working out. Sit ups, push ups, crunches, etc. I can’t afford a gym membership, so I need to turn my living room floor into that space, at least a few times a week. I’m literally going to start with the basics and go from there.

I will be beginning a second job soon, so I do have a concern about time I’ll have to update the blog…but seriously, if I can find time to work out, I can find time to blog, right?

This idea will be further fleshed out, but this is the general idea. The winter will be my promised land.

This morning I got up at about 5:30AM, for a 7:30AM test to join a volunteer scuba diving team at the aquarium. My girlfriend and I were really excited about it.

We both did really poorly. I did worse than her, but we both left dejected and mulling over what we should do to fix things.

We hadn’t dove since late August, which happened to be the height of my weight loss regimen during the summer. Aside from the usual rustiness of not diving for 6 months, I struggled with the very basic ability to control my body’s buoyancy.

We talked with the dive leader after the test, and he recommended a few things to get over the hump and because members of the team. One of the last things he said to me was ‘You need to lose weight.’. He wasn’t being mean about it, he was being matter-of-fact. My core strength sucks right now, and it’s because I haven’t been physically active.

I was so tired, I napped in the middle of the day. I haven’t done that since before I started my weight loss changes in June.

My friend told me about an opportunity to join his gym for a month for free.

My sister is a constant partner in the battle of the bulge. We talk about many problems we both face, and it’s really great because there’s no concern about being worried what either of us will think about what’s being said. There’s just straight talk about where we are with things.

Sometimes she’s riding high on her habits and it helps me rededicate myself. Sometimes it’s the reverse.

We share different theories about things, but we’re always comparing and contrasting. Sometimes we end up agreeing with one another, and other times we fall away from our original thinking.

She used to blog about her weight loss, but then stopped. Sort of like me, I guess, in that she was identifiable and people who knew her followed her blog. With my recent return to anonymity, I suggested she do the same. She says she has, so hopefully it will help her like it has helped me.

Currently my only problem is determining the pros and cons of investing in a garment bag pannier for my bike. I’ll need to get one because I can’t store clothes at work, and I need to wear a shirt and tie.

…

I’m going biking tomorrow and meeting the lady friend at an outdoor movie. Since the location’s only about 8 miles away, I’m going to try to do a different route there to add a few miles. I’m not biking home, because she won’t have her bike. Soo, I’m hoping to get 14-15 miles in at least. I haven’t biked in more than a week.

…

I’m also considering an alcohol free month…which is something I’ve been toying with for several months. In addition to being a healthy choice, I think it might be a good way to right a few things in my head. Not that I have a drinking problem,…it’s more of a realization of noticing heightened emotional states; something very much out of character for me. It’s a culmination of a lot of things, and it might just be time to address things upstairs. This would be a good step.

I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not aloneHolla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road

Yeah, It’s been a ride…
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ’em
But you won’t take this thing out these words before I say ’em
Cause ain’t no way I’m let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say ’em or do something I do it, I don’t give a damn
What you think, I’m doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if a thing’s stopping meI’mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don’t try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he’s still shit’n
Whether he’s on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit’s his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He’s married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he’s got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not aloneHolla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road

Ok quit playin’ with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it’s a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you’re getting capped
And to the fans, I’ll never let you down again, I’m back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let’s be honest, that last Relapse CD was “ehhhh”
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain’t going back to that nowAll I’m tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain’t playin’ around
There’s a game called circle and I don’t know how
I’m way too up to back downBut I think I’m still tryna figure this crap outThought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t
This fucking black cloud still follow’s me around
But it’s time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not aloneHolla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, Imma face my demons
I’m manning up, Imma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don’t even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility’s as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn’t lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I’m too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not aloneHolla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road

—

Seems like I’m always turning to Eminem for inspiration. A number of his songs are used to get myself pumped up. This latest one is great. Maybe he’s just selling out to the positive vibe folks, but honestly? Who gives a shit. Solid stuff right here.

I’m at my parents once again, visiting for a weekend just for the hell of it. I think it’ll be a good few days to unwind mentally.

I have decided that I want to commute to work via bicycle. I will need to anticipate at least 90 minutes for a commute and another 20 or so for changing and whatever else. That means I’ll need to leave home by 7am, if not earlier, for a 9am start. My feeling is as I get into a rhythm, it’ll take less time. It would mean 20 miles roughly round trip every day. That would be 100 miles a week commuting, 500 a month, if I ride every day. It would equal about $100 a month in commuting costs saved.

So, there is much benefit..but there is much to learn about becoming a commuter biker. I want to though.

March 3rd, 2006 marked the start of my relationship with SparkPeople.com. I put my breakup with SparkPeople.com around the beginning of 2008, and we’ve only hooked up a few times since then. I consider SparkPeople.com to be an incredible experience, but our time came to an end and we had to go our separate ways.

I used SP religiously for more than a year, though I fell off the wagon a few times(surprise,right?). What I learned from SP has proven to be a life-changing experience, though.

I counted calories. I weighed myself weekly. I input everything I ate. Everything.

I got down on myself when I ate poorly. I beat myself up when the scale went up instead of down. I stopped inputting everything I ate.

The online forums and recipes and gazillion diet ideas are great, but they proved unable to appeal to me. They were useless in inspiring greatness from my inner skinny self.

SP inspired me to drink more water. They have a water counter and it suggests you drink 8 cups of it every day. I’d happily click it and notice when I went over by a lot. Drink too much water, and you’ll be peeing a lot. I drink more water now because of SP. I love chicken burgers on the foreman grill. SP’s calorie counter noted that wheat buns would shave off a few, so I switched. I love wheat bread now. I love all wheaty things.

People just starting out on their journey to weight loss should use SparkPeople.com. I think there’s a wealth of knowledge to gain in learning about calories and recipes and how much fat is in everything you eat.

I also think you need to break away from SP at some point. It can guide you the whole way, I guess, but I think implementing the great ideas needs to happen by not counting calories and inputting every single meal. For me, after a while you know what you ate and you know the kind of damage it will do to your weight loss plan. You learn what’s fatty, full of carbs and loaded with protein. To reach the ultimate goal, is to exist without having to check and make sure something fits within the scope of the recommended caloric allotment for the day.

My issue with calorie counting might need its own blog entry.

The bottom line is SP is good, but if you find yourself disenchanted with the struggle, then it might behoove you to stop and look at what you’re doing. Are you trying to justify eating something because it fits on the fat/carb/protein limits, or because it’s a healthy option? Making healthy changes in life doesn’t mean squeezing every calorie out of your allotment. I never did Weight Watchers, but assume this can be said about the points system too.

Then again, I could be totally full of shit, if counting things has led you to lose a ton of weight. As I’ve said before(and undoubtedly will again), it’s not about the weight for me. It’s about changing lifestyle choices. Counting, for me, isn’t the final answer. It helped me see my food in a better light though, so I’ll always look fondly back on my old weight loss flame.

BY THE NUMBERS

BIKING
April 1: 10.3
2017 Total: 10.3 Miles

RUNNING
2017 Total: 0 Miles

2017 SWIMMING

TRIPS TO THE GYM
January 8
January 9
January 14
March 29
2017 Total: 4