Sunday, January 13, 2008

Remember fridayfive.org, I actually did that shit some years ago. What a cliche blogger I am. Am happy to be one. Being different is wayyy too hard.

1. 10 years ago what did you think you would be doing now?You know 10 years ago I was in Uni. I was stoned as fuck and I didn't even smoke a shit. So I had no business trying to think about the future. Although I must've at one point think in 2007 the world would be invaded by aliens, reduced to a wasteland, and I'm a barbarian in fur underwear with a big sword rescuing and making love to my current crush who's dressed up like she-ra. Good times sigh.

2. Where do you think you will be in 5 years from now?On stage. Kanye West and 50 Cent opening for me. I tell both of 'em to get me mah 100 plus bitch backstage. They both race to get it. Fucking lame cunts.

3. Do you live life one day at a time or look to the future?I doubt I even live life at all. FUCK YA LYFE

4. Do you wish you could go back in time and undo something in your life?I wouldn't be me if I did a lot of things right. Plus time travelling is TOO MUCH WORK. Even travelling period is too much work. I have to do that for a holiday in a few days. Urgh.

5. If you could send a message back in time and give a younger version of yourself some advice, what would it be?Don't take school and education and all that too seriously, well dude I know you don't take it that seriously anyway but seriously don't even take it the way you take it even though it's not that serious.

Yes I ate lunch like I said I would. Just a thrashy one though, still delicious and PROSPERITUSES nahmeeeen. After having downloaded a few very good movies I decided to watch 2 recent HBO standup specials instead. Katt William's 2006 one cause I read last year's one was not as good, it was dope as fuck. Bob Saget's recent shit. Dope as fuck. I am aware that he is sick and all that, having seen The Aristocrats and his sickest version of it. A lot of people seem to can't let go of this whole ooh-he's-tryin-too-hard-to-show-people-he's-not-full-house-dad-like. Like stfu already. Captain obvious. Plus he even declares that shit so you're null and void bitch, whoever you are, I don't know you, do you even exist, well you do, that's why I'm ranting about you. He's a fucking psycho. Haha. If anything he paints on himself the personality of a dude who got fucked up by having to act cheesy for money. Ahh that sounds familiar. Cock shit piss. I did like his american funniest video shit though, fuhreel, haha. Imagine that, added with tourettes and an imagination unrivalled. Maybe if I had been to most of his standup before creating this blog I could say he's a big influence. Muthafucker just rambles on and on and on about shit I wish I could come up with. He does it with the faux-nervousness of a dweeb too, kinda like his cameos like in Entourage or Half Baked. And he starts picking on a member of the audience, and the dude, appropriately named Jarrod, will be namedropped every time there's an 'opening'. Jarrod don't fuck goats, or rats, or turtles. Jarrod don't wear thongs. Jarrod don't fuck smeagol. Smeagol, E.T., Shakira, and Jarrod in a foursome. Wwahkugeahukgea what the fuck THIS DUDE IS FUCKING MENTAL. I didn't realize the sheer level of his tardedness. And I fucking love every bit of it, including his old school hip hop intro song.

Some highlights by some dude. You could get the full shit in youtube too. FIND THAT SHIT NEGRO DON'T LAZE AROUND IN YOUR BOXERS PLAYING FPS GAMES, wait that's me, anyway.

If you could just get through his tourettes, he's put a disclaimer already for fuck's sake don't just hate everything cause it tries too hard with a lot of cusses just get through that and listen to that shit you fuckhead (I'm talking to unknown people from imdb dissing him wahukghkeagea). Fuck. And he's pretty cool about it too, pretty cool about Southpark mocking him. It was funny. He was watching that shit cause he loved it with his daughter, and when Bob Saget was gonna be on he was like "fuck", his daughter was like "shit", and he was like "watch your language", and his daughter was like "but YOU talk like that", and he was like "but I pay your college with this stfu bitch", wahkugukeagea, and then he gets mocked in southpark, and he was like "fuck", and his daughter was like "but it's true", and he was like "stfu bitch no more trust fund for you" wakuhgakgeuaukhgkuea. You gotta love him. Fuck. I love him. When I was a kid I loved him for the wrong reasons. When I was a little bit older well he wasn't bad as the host for that shit, and I thought the funny voice thingy for all the videos was dope. None more of that nowadays. Now I'll love him for all the right.. FUCKING ..reasons. He's a sporting guy. He is one reason I love Stephen Colbert. Not just because he was a dope supporting dude in Daily Show. Add to that, he does look a bit like Bob Saget. Bob Saget, muthafuckah. Bitch. Cock shit piss. And John Stamos, dear god he's a prety pretty mutahfuckah. Watch out for Bob's jokes about him and John, won't tell it here spoil the fun, it's fucking hilarious. And John Stamos is such a good looking guy. If I was a fag I'd hit it in a second. Well 20 years ago. Well you don't need to be a fag to hit it, if I was in prison with him you know. And Alessandro Nesta in his long haired days too. They're just pretty they're not even men, they're like chicks with dick, if any. Nesta was so pretty me and my football buddies back in the days all alpha maled and stuff would still go damn he is so pretty, so ayu, like daymn I could fall in love. the late Selena. Mm Selena. Get that hetero back boy.

Actually I didn't go off for breakfast as I said I would. Cause I took a shit a hundred times last night till morning. Cause lately I realized I'm lactose intolerant. That's just fucked up or in other words unfortunate for a brotha who loves that milky milk. I thought there was something wrong with my stomach all the time until shit like this don't happen whenever I run out of the cum coloured goodness. Dayum homie. I feel like I've shat mah whole being out. And I'm just walking around the house soulless right now. Maybe I should go fah lunch now to refill mah spirits.

Back when kings and queens were kings and queens. The jester was the jester, of course. They laughed at the jester, the people. A lot. When shit got hectic the king'll get the people to laugh with him, at, the jester.

It ain't that way no more. Other way around.

These fucking comedians, the good ones of course, not of the carlos mencia or dane cook variety, make more sense to the world than the fucking world leaders.

Tell me if you don't agree with most of what is delivered straight-up or satirically by people like, I don't know, say, Dave Chapelle, George Carlin, Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, Stephen Colbert, Bill Hicks, Paul Mooney, etc etc etc. Tell me if you don't wanna live in the ideal world they envision. The balls out cuss-ing, pot smok-ing, racism-ridicul-ing, peace lov-ing, poor people attended to-ing, space exploring-ing utopia. The fuck a bill o'reilly and w. bush is rightfully put in his place, a daycare center, haven. Woah. I definitely want a piece of that as much as I want a piece of fresh pussy.

That's why I enjoy standup comedy more than what I'm taught to enjoy - religious sermons. It's almost the same message really if you think about it. It's just that no parent will ever understand that boredom is the most, well, boring teacher ever. I doubt even I will understand this if I become a bearer of seeds mah self though, you never know, uuuu neeevaa knewwwww it's like that anna, hieroglifix yaw.

I don't remember how I got exposed to standup comedy at first, maybe it was Seinfeld during the end of his sitcom or Bob Saget during the american funniest videos non video parts. I was like yaw what is this, dude standing just telling jokes, it's prettty nifty. I know Seinfeld/that-era Bob Saget were not the funniest dudes on-stage but when a concept hits you the very first time, you know. Man, even Puff Daddy would impress if you just got into the hip hop beat, nahmean.

The first act I heard in full was Eddie Murphy's two classics, raw, and delirious. You heard it, heard. Cause I didn't have access to videos. I downloaded both as mp3s on my jaring dialup setup. It probably took a whole night, had to leave the pc unattended. Ahh, the first few dips into the future world of extreme leeching.

From there I tracked back to his idol and biggest influence Richard Pryor (r.i.p). One of the dopest orators and story-tellers of our century. He also had a dope writer (as I discovered recently) behind him Paul Mooney, who is one of the most brghriliantly racist yet not racist fuck on stage, love it!.

From our generation though, people like Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle of course (and many more too but namedropping too much would make me overdose on snobnerdery), the standards.

Always mentioned in the same breath as Pryor is George Carlin. Well he's white. Still, he's dope. Not that white people aren't dope. But I have a color bias, as does your prejudiced ass. Maybe you could say white equivalent despite the different styles. But check any top list, they both would normally cement 1 and 2. Carlin had two sides, early and later. Both are dope to me. Early would be goofy, and what I would say is extreme observation. He would observe and reveal the most painfully trivial and ignorable of details yet shape gems from 'em. Also the infamous seven cuss words shit. Which is how I first actually discovered him, from a 70's show episode where Eric was listening to this on headphones and laughing about it.

Later would be angry old man, dope as well. What's consistent on both sides though is he likes to play with words and terms a lot. There's an intro to one of his sets where he rhymed some shit and I'm like fuck, this dude's an emcee, certified. This fucking old ass, grey-haired, balding, hoarse-voiced muthafucka, is an emcee. Fuhreal.

You could say him and Pryor carried on that Lenny Bruce shit then continued to influence more comedians after them themselves.

Back to Carlin though. I asked some nihilists online who else should I check out if I liked Carlin. Oh btw most of my taste is dictated by godless heathens (to quote Colbert) cause for some old reason they have better taste than my kind - god fearing barbarians. They said, Bill Hicks (r.i.p.).

I'm pretty sure right now, this dude is mah favourite. He's so fucking cool. He has a slight hicky's (pun intended) accent too, which is pretty cool cause it's him. Haha. He talks a lot about issues and shit, well which stand up comedian doesn't. But the way he fucking goes about it, is, cool, you know, cool. Cool as fuck. Like cool, you know. Like fonze, understando? Like how Italians speak english. Like how Cantona celebrates his chipped goal. Okay? Okay. Wanna know what I think? What do you think. Okay. Okay? Okay.

The way he makes his points. And having the best trademark btw line ever - i AM available for children's parties, by the way. It's word up! to every line for him from me. I don't even have to agree with him. Or a lot of these fucking comedians, most of them are fucking heathens. Who gives a fuck. We all want the same thing.

Bill Hicks - drugs and music (....and I make music without the ganja, and my music is dope, fuckaz).

..phew. I had this post about mah fav standup comedians in my mind all night while re-watching summa the shit, finally got to let some of it off in this morning. I know I've missed a lot of names, I do watch a lot of 'em. But you know the ones you come up with off the top are the ones you remember most and the most important to you. Nahmean? Maybe because these were mostly ones I discovered in my early days of research and discovery. Don't mind watching more though. Recommendation is another taste-indicator. Unless if you're pointing me to stupid shit. Carrot Top does come to mind but he was pretty funny in that Flava Flav roast. And about that, Jeff Ross the roastmaster is dope as fuuuuck.

Anyway.

Most of standup comedians have their own shows. Some have propah dope shows but are just boring in standups like say Ricky Gervais, his shows are fucking awesome. But his standup is too cliche atheist bible basher. Chapelle though, while dope in standup, but is wayyy wayyyy pretttttty dopppeeyyer with his show. He's just an overall funny guy though, I mean if you watch his post-Africa standups, most of it just seem off the head. But the way he says shit, that's why he's the shit. Bitch.

Got some new dudes too. Katt Williams with that pimp shit nahmean. He's also a member of THE FUCKING DIPSET. Take that fuckaz. DIPSET DIPSET DIPSET! FAH LYFA! ..maybe he wrote that funny ass sketch Cam did for Fiddy Corny, hmm. Aussie dude Jim Jefries, funny as fuck, regular guy jokes, really funny as fuck, on make up sex - wanna make it up to me? lemme fuck ya sista (in badass as fuckhead aussie accent fcourse). Disgusting too, just as I like it.

Some other dudes here and there, loads of 'em, are funny. Wait wimmin? Erm, I dunno wimmin have smaller brains so their capacity for humour is eekk. I wouldn't say Sarah Silverman is funny, she's pretty corny, but she's hot, I wouldn't mind watching her full set of titties, I meant standup comedy. Lisa Lampanelli the black dick salivater as I usually mention is not the most funniest cunt in the world but because her jokes are so racist it's not racist, I love that shit. Ha Ha.

There's some dope british dudes too. Got some old school ones whose accents I can't even understand but I'm pretty sure they're dope, just by reputation. Haha. If you like lesbian cross dressing dudes, Eddie Izzard's pretty cool. That irish dude, what's his name, Ed Byrne, who dissed Alanis' ironic song, is pretty funny too.

John Leguizamo had a dope HBO special. But he was prolly showcasing his superb acting skills more. I really dugged it as fuck though. Gotta mention Lewis Black too, he's dope in his own angry way.

Oh yeah Russel Peters' not bad too. I know, I know, I know. It's annoying when you're standing in line waiting for a buffet lunch. And then some smartass youngstah in the same que for no apparent reason other than to make himself think he's so winky cool goes to his friend "somebody gonna get a-hurt real bad" as if they were the only ones who have seen his set, and then of course his friend repeats it in a more closer to the original accent, then the smartass kid repeats it again, then the friend repeats it again too. I don't know whether they were fighting over who had the most spot-on delivery or just dual wanking to the quote but it's annoying as fuck you fucking kids. You probably think it's smart and funny and like oh nobody else understand it except us oooh our nerdery here is sooooooooooo nu age coolness, nobody else can has youtube and shit, eck. STFU and GTFO. I don't want yawll eating the same food I'm eating nutwats. Lemme grab mah sardine rolls in peace.

Butttttttt, I like him cause he makes a lot of Indian and Chinese jokes. Face it we wished we had some local dude who made those kind of jokes. And his faux accents are very funny. He's also very comfortable on the mic, and likes to interact closely with the audience. Which is something I like in a stand up show. Sumin' like Lampanelli, although most of her interaction shit is rehearsed anyway but fuck it.

See I like instant entertainment. I could get into a deep well-made movie, or music, or whatever. But the older you get, the more instant entertainment make more sense. I even get these little urges to watch at least one formulaic hollywood movie a month. Comedy does it for me though all the time. It works. Don't matter if it's really good comedy that for any other type of entertainment would require extra work on the brain. It's different cause comedy is just too entertaining as fuck and non brain straining.

It's the best form of saying things, other than saying things well. Back in the school/university days, you liked the teachers who say things well, as much as the funny dudes. Like the ones who would veer effortlessly into little-relevanted subjects while teaching, like how airplanes were made of milo tins while teaching how to saw wood. Or how fucked up the signboard in Cheras is, like they'll have a long list of residences and shit on one board and how the fuck are you supposed to read that shit while mobile, while teaching Project Management.

I don't know. Maybe that's why G.W.Bush has a lot of followers. I know he's lame. You're really laughing at him instead of with. But when you're busy laughing away, most of the time you just can't tell the difference.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Driving car. Driving in the sudden rain of fucking up your once every 5 month car wash.

One more hour to go, and I can go out of the house naked screaming "JENGAAA JENGAAAA!!!" while the yellowy neighbours look in awe at the sheer artsiness of my pure being.

One more minute till the alarm rings. I will climb onto my roof and try to catch birds. In my winter wear. While the Indonesianish renovation workers look on and get back to their initial work, unimpressed. I can balance myself on a piece of wood placed between two roofs, bitch, and try to catch eagles. They say.

See if I had a life full of doing things worthy of blogging I wouldn't have written all the crap you just read.

For instance if I went club hopping at heritage row on the weekend. And then I got a ladies' number. Turns out she's a man. But she's fully operated. What's the difference? She/he does not have the pheromones of a woman. And the fucking broad shoulders of course. WHKUugkaehukgea. What a fucking situation. Dumped. Let's try to find genuine woman. Always look over your shoulder, and hers.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Back when I used to play GTA a lot, night a day, it would fuck up my impulse system. Like when I drive I would sometimes be tempted to drive on the wrong lane. Sometimes I would takeover cars as if I don't care if I crash mine. Well thankfully I managed to mostly control myself.

Now that I play Call of Duty 4 on multiplayer nearly everyday, yeah yeah yeah. This is the story.

That day I was supposed to go into this building for soundcheck but I wasn't sure if the rest of the guys were there yet. So I went upstairs. What I should've done was just go into the shit and look for the guys. You know what I did instead? I walked slowly, looked around. I saw another side facing the shit, I walked slowly up the stairs into there, and scoped around as if I was a sniper. Right left right left. Then seeing as the guys were not there yet I sat down somewhere safe. Whugakheahkukgea.

Well maybe it's no big deal to yawll but to me that's a fucked up thing to do whakugeahukgea. Cause it totally wasn't normal and only I knew it, well now you know too, but shit. Shit. Whukgaukga. Who the fuck does that, an ex-spy maybe. It's not like you're looking for someone to shoot or observe. You don't have to carefully go to the other side and slowly sift through all the humans unnoticed.

Vell vell vell.

So it was new year's night last night. Was supposed to chill but shit traffic was fucked up as a fuckafucka. So I u-turned home and succumbed to the nerdery of online gaming.