I completely agree with this. I realize though that you have probably been counting calories for years and years and it might be hard to stop. What is the reason you are currently counting calories? Habbit? To make sure you are eating enough?

Maybe you could cut back on the cardio? It is going to make it more difficult to put on muscle.

I am counting calories because I'm supposed to get in a certain amount for my nutritionist and yes, it would be difficult to stop because I have been doing it for years. Even if I wasn't recording anywhere it would still be in my head. Basically, its virtually impossible to stop!

Bony thin does not look well & is not healthy to purge, but you already know all that stuff, I'm not preaching...I know it is something you must work through at your own pace.

You are very beautiful, especially the last pics of you when you gained more weight. (and the kitty is cute!) I agree with HCPinGviini's earlier post; I don't feel it is a good idea to obsess with counting calories so much...and also getting on the scale alot...

I would personally continue with the smoothies; they are an easy way to get nutrient dense foods into your body. Maybe cut some of the cardio slightly...after all, you don't have any bodyfat to burn, you just want to tone & get stronger.

Keep at it!

_________________Quote from VeganEssentials;

I have made it a habit to get back into the mindset that every workout is war. All-out, 100% do-it-or-die-trying war. If you want to get bigger and/or stronger, lifting won't be fun most days.

WOMM:(I posted this at the other eating disorder forum that I post at so ignore the part about TF)

My supervisor called me today to ask me if I could change my schedule slightly and she's increased my hours which is excellent. I also will be getting hours at another group home--one that requires a little more work, which is super exciting. I love my job. I love what I do. I am excited to go to work today. I will be working by myself because my coworker just found out he needs a cardiac catheter put in so he will not be there. Last night I had to work by myself and I liked it because all the responsibilities fell to me. It made me feel like I am worth something. Like I can actually do something with my life. It was very validating.

I am struggling very badly with body image and restricting today. The body image thing has been an ongoing thing for awhile especially since I have gained 15-17 pounds since June. So I have been going to the gym a lot to deal with my body image. If I am going to be eating and keeping food down, I want to turn my body into muscle and have a kick ass body. None of this flabby shit that I have going on. I am so grossed out by myself right now. I literally cannot stand being in my body. Forcing down the food involves daily tear fests and calls to all the supportive people in my life who can handle a nut case like myself at this time.

I found out from my mom yesterday that she put me on the prayer list at her church in June. This is when I started turning things around for myself. It's obviously no coincidence. Just the right combination of factors coming into play: the prayers from God knows how many people, me being upset that my brain function has noticeably and considerably declined from this disorder since I graduated from college evidenced by my struggle to maintain a B average in law school and then quitting when I got too overwhelmed, me turning to my spirituality to help me get through this time and start recovering, me working in therapy. As I said, so far I have gained 15-17 pounds depending on the day, I have quit smoking completely (3 weeks clean tomorrow), only one binge/purge in August, drastically reduced my purging (now I purge 1-2 times a day usually long after the food has gone through my system so its just fluids coming up). I'm pretty fucking proud of myself.

Right now I'm just trying to become a better person and undo the damage I have done in my real life and on TF. All I can do is work on my recovery and hope and think before I speak so I don't hurt anybody. I have a lot of remorse about what's happened on TF. I do not know the person I was when I pulled any of the shit that I have here. I'm so ashamed of myself and honestly it makes the self hate 100 times worse. I just want to be better and gain respect and integrity back. I seriously feel so lost but these last few weeks I really feel like I'm coming around and that my true self is just around the corner.

I genuinely hope everyone is in a good, safe, happy place today. I wish nothing but the best for everybody on TF. I wish we could all get better but I know that people have to get better on their own watches, when they're ready, when they're own right combination of factors comes to a peak.

Today's workout and food:

today was an off day for working out, but I went anyway.450 crunches of various kinds 60 minutes crazy cardio machine I do not know the name of (472 burned probably more like 400 since those machines are always off) stretchingno weights today because I was supposed to take the day off

I'm taking today off from working out and the thought of it is killing me. I need to rest. This level of calorie restriction really takes it out of me. The only workout I'm going to do today is the New York City Ballet workout DVD. I took ballet for 15 years so this should be a cakewalk.

I have so many thoughts in my head right now. Today has not been a good day or yesterday. I finally figured out what's going on with me. My meds are no longer working for me. I have atypical rapid cycling type 2 bipolar. Today I was insanely anxious. I was so anxious I wanted to kill myself. I was going out of mind. Then I got really calm for about literally 5 minutes. Then I got really depressed. Then I talked to a friend and felt a little better. Now I'm having racing thoughts. This is how my bipolar manifests itself.

I'm angry with my therapist because she seems to think its okay if I exercise 2.5-3 hours a day and only eat 1500 calories. Obviously she has no faith in me to recover. When in fact she's feeding into my eating disorder by convincing me that everything is fine and she continues to say my weight is fine. Yeah, it's okay to weigh what I weigh? I don't really want to gain anymore weight, but again she's just feeding into my eating disorder. I actually am beginning to think she is not the therapist for me if she thinks this is the best I can do. I don't know if she's just being placating and trying not to push me too hard but I need someone to fucking push me or I really never am going to get better. Thank god for good friends who actually give me perspective on these things. Seriously.

I'm so confused. Half the time I think I'm working out this much because I want to build muscle and get really healthy and the other part of me, the eating disorder part of me, is just exercising because I want to lose weight. I don't know which way is up right now.

Furthermore, this boy I have been seeing totally feeds into my eating disorder too. He's overweight and trying to lose weight and obsessed with food himself so we spend a lot of time talking about food and exercise and he exercises with me sometimes too. And I don't have the energy or emotionally stability to deal with him and educate him on the ins and outs of my disorder. I broke up with him today because honestly the stress of being in a relationship is literally sending me over the edge and triggering me in all kinds of ways. Furthermore, he kind of creeps me out because he's over the top nice to everybody we meet including me and it's freaking me out. I can't believe he is genuine and if it is, it's just really weird and I don't like it. Furthermore, after 6 weeks of dating he's already telling me that he loves me and I feel really bad for breaking up with him but I honestly don't reciprocate the feelings at all, in fact, his personality is becoming really irritating to me. He's a goof ball but like he's stupid funny if you know what I mean and I don't like it and I don't find him funny at all.

Everything just kind of came to a head today with the relationship. I can't do it anymore. I thought I liked him at first but now I really can't stand him. Like I seriously don't even want to be friends with him. I think I was just so desperate to have friends in this city that I kept hoping I would begin to like him and it's just cruel and mean for me to continue this relationship when I don't even really like him. Furthermore, I am obviously too emotionally fragile and too early in recovery from my eating disorder to even think about having a relationship with anyone which is what I told him when I broke up with him. I wasn't so mean as to tell him that I find him irritating or that his kindness is way too over the top and I don't find it genuine. I wouldn't dream of telling him that. I thought I was ready for another relationship but I can't handle it. Not when I just got my own place in July, not when I am just now beginning to support myself and work. I just can't do it. The stress of trying to handle this relationship has really sent me spiraling with the eating disorder. I really don't know what my true motives for exercising are.

I've barely eaten anything the last 2 days and now I'm scared to eat. I really do not want to go backwards but I don't know if I can turn this around. I just want some relief from my own fucking thoughts. My thoughts and feelings and behaviors are so erratic and unpredicatable today and yesterday. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

You cannot post new topics in this forumYou cannot reply to topics in this forumYou cannot edit your posts in this forumYou cannot delete your posts in this forumYou cannot post attachments in this forum