Friday, May 9, 2014

Identity Crisis

I feel like I am having a bit of an identity crisis.

So when you are plus sized, you are inherently part of this culture of plus sized women. You share experiences and there is definitely a bond. Being a curvy girl on a mission to lose weight, it almost feels like I am shunning this part of me, trying to get OUT of the curvy club and it sucks because I don’t want out.

I mean I don’t want to be unhealthy. I don’t hate my plus sized body, but I want a stronger body. I want to improve and to me that means changing my body. But in doing that, I am abandoning this culture that has embraced me from the start. I feel sad that I wont be a part of it anymore.

And I am worried that I will alienate my fellow curvy girls too, become unrelatable because I will no longer be “one of them”

Which makes me really sad because what I want more than anything is to empower women of all sizes to move their bodies! It feels good! It is good for you!

So I am standing on this precipice of plus and standard size, and I want to make the leap of faith into the unknown. Will the accept me like you have? Will there be a place for me? Lord knows the clothes will be cheaper! :D

Am I crazy? Don’t answer that lol. We all know I am crazy. But am I alone in feeling this way? I guess my real fear is that I will become like another former bigger girl who blogs and has taken it the complete other way. I don’t want to lose my identity and alienate my followers with my new lifestyle. I don’t think that would happen, I am not that kind of person, but I worry about it! Muscles are addicting!

4 comments
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Nope, not alone. It's a very weird transition. I feel so odd unsubscribing from emails and unfollowing brands on twitter/IG that I've followed for so long but am too small for most of their clothing now. It's especially weird when you are still in a transitional period where you fit some straight size, but some straight size 14s are too small (that's me now). I don't think clothes are that much cheaper though, plus they are more readily available so I tend to buy more because I like more stuff that fits me!

I am always going to be plus-sized in my head and I hope that my friends recognize that. They seem to be supportive of it, though sometimes it's hard because they don't talk about weight-related struggles and frustrations like we used to. Sometimes I want to shake them and be like, "I STILL GET IT. I STRUGGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY."

Definitely not alone. This is something I go back and forth worrying about. I still have the majority of my weight to lose and sometimes I think I'm worrying about nothing and it's just an excuse to stall or something, but other times it's like, how can you lose so much of yourself physically and not lose part of who you actually are on the inside. I think you just really have to think of the end result, and the fact that you'll be happier and healthier, everything else will fall into place. I have skinny (formerly fat) friends and we still talk about weight struggles, not as often as we used to, but they're still there. These friends also serve as constant motivation of where and what I want to be (which is what you'll continue to be). It's hard because being bigger is really all I've ever known, but being comfortable and my fear of jumping into the unknown is keeping me where I am (where I know I don't want to be, unhappy). So I've come to the conclusion that if I am no longer happy with where I am, it's time to embrace change, take the leap, and dive into the unknown!

You are not alone at all--- I can TOTALLY relate to this! I started a new job in December, when I had already lost 60lbs, which means my new coworkers don't even know "the old me" exists. I ended up mentioning that I had lost some weight in conversation with a coworker the other day, and when she asked how much and I told her, her jaw completely dropped. To this day, though, I often find myself more mentally aligned with the size 16ers than the size 8ers. Another coworker mentioned having a hard time finding pants to fit her "fat ass" (her words), and when I quickly agreed she responded that I probably didn't have that same problem. Um, wrong! Have you ever met a woman, size 4 or size 24, who says buying pants is easy?!

I'm not a size 16 anymore, but I spent the first 23 years of my life being overweight (hell, I'm still overweight), so it's not an identity I imagine I'll leave behind anytime soon. And with so much fat-shaming in our society, I don't want to. To this day, I take great offense to people in my life (namely family members) saying things like "you really had gotten pretty chunky [before losing weight]." Yes, I know this is a fact. But I'm still the same person! Even pre-weight loss, I never called myself fat! Just another round of examples that illustrate how the mind takes longer to change than the body, but I don't think a little perspective is EVER a bad thing.

I can understand your dilemma, but I can also tell you that those of us who have followed and are following your efforts just continue to be inspired. Seeing someone who has the same struggles of me SUCCEED is the most inspiring thing ever. When you get to where you want to be, I will be proud of who you have become -- because that person will be even stronger. You are awesome. Keep doing whatever makes you happiest.

Time for the legal mumbo jumbo. I am not a doctor, nor do I pretend to be. I am not a personal trainer, or a nutritionist, and neither are any of the people who guest post or comment on my blog (unless they specify differently). Nothing on this blog, or it's subsidiary Facebook groups should be taken as medical advise, and I am not liable for anything you do while listening to me :D Consult your physician before you engage in any new heath and fitness plan, just like I did.