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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Week 16: We're Going Back to the Humor Bowl, Baby!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure

You do not fuck with Megatron. He rips bears in half and throws them into space...

Third time was hardly charming at all for Chris and his Purple Drank as they fell for the third time this year to Renal Failure, this time in with a savage 135-68 catastrophe. How could this have happened to the Number One seed? Well, the Drank came up small when it mattered. Rob Gronkowski vanished (5pts) as Aaron Hernandez lit up the Broncos, Ray Rice couldn't get going against the Chargers (10pts) and Michael Turner only did what he was projected to do (12pts). Worse was Chris's choice of QB's, going with Andy Dalton instead of Ryan Fitzpatrick. Dalton limped in with 6pts while the Harvard man sat on the Drank bench with 22pts, not that it would have mattered but it would have lessened the brutality on the scoreboard.

As for The People's Champ, your defending HBFFL champ, all we needed was two of our stars throwing goddamn grizzly bears into deep space to beat Purple Drank's whole starting roster. Megatron lived up to his reputation as the leader of the Decepticons by torching the Raiders for 40 absoludicrous points and Shady McCoy racked up an insane 32-point day against the Jets. 72 points from just two players... a prime example of what we've been saying all year: Renal Failure is the HBFFL's most dangerous team. Why don't owners believe us when we say that (aside from LOBO who has been on the trolley for weeks)? With Tony Romo's 29-point Saturday night, this game was pretty much over by the 8:30 Saturday night game between the Ravens and Chargers.

When you have the best record in the league and then get blown out in the first round of the playoffs, it kind of feels like this...

135 points for the People's Champ, and with not a lot of help from some of our regulars either seeing how 72 of those are Megatron and Shady's. CJ2K disappointed, as usual, with a mere 10 points while Marshawn Lynch and Ryan Mathews rocked 16 and 22 points respectively on the People's Bench. We're getting to the point where we're winning despite of Chris Johnson, like we're handicapping ourselves just to see if we can get away with it. Brandon Lloyd didn't have fun with the Bengals, getting only 4 points. Even Billy Fucking Cundiff had a boring 2-point day. We need these guys to turn up their games if we're going to take win in Week 16 and become the HBFFL's first repeat champions.

(Yeah, all y'all teams wish you had taken me up on my earlier trade offers for Lynch and Mathews now, don't ya? Now look at you! Not in the championship game. What? Yeah! Thought so.)

And who is standing in the way of the People's and Defending Champion in Humor Bowl IV? LOBO and his Predator Press again! He barely clawed past the Bourbon Blasters (thanks to the San Francisco Defense and Joe's big point-scorers languishing on his bench), and now we have a rematch of last year's Humor Bowl III, the first time ever in the HBFFL for that. Last year, both teams cranked the knobs to 11 to make the playoffs, and while Renal Failure had to do that again this season to get in, LOBO was the front-runner for most the season and coasted into the playoffs with the 2nd-best record in the league. Does he have the same hunger, the same drive, the same desperation that he had last year? Hardly, considering he left in Mike Williams as his wide receiver this past week (no points). That decision almost cost him vs. the Bourbon Blasters.

Ines Sainz, patron saint of Tight Denim Victory, the People pray to you to grant Renal Failure another glorious HBFFL title, seeing how we finished dead last in the FTWL this year...

LOBO has Arian Foster with an awesomely-good matchup vs. the lowly Colts. Matty Stafford will be throwing the rock a lot against San Diego, unfortunately it will mostly be to Renal Failure's Calvin "Megatron" Johnson). LOBO could start a gimpy Ben Roethlisberger vs. St. Louis, but Big Ben's health seems too big a risk to gamble on. Jermichael Finley has a shot of getting thrown to more with Greg Jennings still injured and Aaron Rodgers being embarrassed by the Chiefs this past week. Michael Bush might have to contend with a returning Darren McFadden for touches vs. Kansas City. At the wide-out position, LOBO will be hoping for surprising days from Nate Washington and Julio Jones.

But LOBO is facing the team he fears most...

Renal Failure is stacked to dominate in this championship game. Big numbers are abound in the Philly/Dallas game as both defenses suck. If Andy Reid can remember the simple equation of "Giving the ball a lot to Shady McCoy = better chance of winning" then that will force Tony Romo to toss the ball often, sometimes to Jason Witten who will not be covered by the Eagles' high-priced cornerbacks. Chris Johnson will be given the chance to redeem himself for this entire season with a juicy matchup against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Megatron is Megatron and will handle himself. Brandon Lloyd will likely have a chance to put up big points in garbage time vs. the Steelers. And Billy Fucking Cundiff is still Billy Fucking Cundiff.

We've revved up the HBFFL Fantasy Football Battle Simulator again. LOBO is represented by the redhead with the rocket boots, Renal Failure is represented by the blonde woman without pants...

The projected score of Humor Bowl IV is 105-97 in favor of... YOUR PEOPLE'S CHAMPION RENAL FAILURE! Funny... last year Yahoo! had LOBO projected as the winner. Seems like this is yet another trend Renal Failure will be breaking this year. We've already defied the universe by making the playoffs. Now let's go the full nine, deny last year's runner-up the crown, and repeat as HBFFL champions. The People enjoy their champion being the actual champion and wish it to remain that way for another year.

Week 16: The Greatest Week in Fantasy Football. Unless you're in one of them weird leagues that don't do their championship game until Week 17.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Our reputation precedes us, as does that court order saying don't be within 200 feet of an elementary school.