How Danish Parents Talk to Their Kids About Sex (And What the Rest of Us Can Learn From It)

When many kids ask their parents where babies come from, they’re either given a confusing ramble (“So, there are these birds and bees and a stork …”), an explanation in the vaguest terms (“When two people love each other very much …”) or are simply brushed off (“Hey, who wants some ice cream?”). Reddit users discussed their childhood experiences in the Reddit For Grownups community.

But for a redditor named Sara (AuroraSinistra), whose parents immigrated to the US from Denmark, the sex talk she remembers is much different. In fact, it wasn’t really a “talk”—it was more of a casual, ongoing dialogue.

“My parents were always completely open with me about sex,” she writes. “When I asked where babies come from, they told me in the most clinical and simple way you can tell a young child, and showed me a kids’ book which explained all about puberty and sex. [They] even showed a cartoon penis in three stages: about to penetrate, mid-penetration, and fully penetrating and ejaculating.”

Danes are notably frank in their discussions with kids about sexuality, a topic that still seems taboo in America and other countries. In Denmark—the first country to legalize pornography and same-sex unions—sexual concepts are introduced, explicitly, at the preschool level. Jessica Alexander, co-author of The Danish Way of Parenting: A Guide to Raising the Happiest Kids in the World, writes in a column that she was taken back when she first listened to her Danish husband read a book to their young daughter titled Da Emma blev Emma – og hvordan det gik til (When Emma became Emma – And How It Happened).

“When I heard the words ‘Mads stikker sin tissemand ind i Emilia’s tissekone‘ (Mads sticks his penis into Emilia’s vagina), I was sure I was mistaken,” she writes. ” … I came and looked at the book and sure enough, there were two naked people kissing in a bed full of hearts. A little girl, presumably Emma, snorkeled through a sea full of smiling sperm.”

The book seemed outrageous to Alexander, an American, but after more thought and research, she realized that it made sense for parents to talk about sex in an honest and natural way. Sexual violence prevention educators say that teaching children anatomically correct terms—vagina, penis, and vulva—”promotes positive body image, self confidence, and parent-child communication; discourages perpetrators; and, in the event of abuse, helps children and adults navigate the disclosure and forensic interview process.” In Denmark, there are no cutesy euphemisms like “wee-wee” and “pee-pee,” or shame-evoking descriptors such as “private parts.”

For Danish children, the discussion continues into their teen years and beyond. Christian Graugaard, a leading sexologist in Denmark, has called for pornography to be shown in the classroom starting in eighth grade, believing that conversations about the industry could help students become more critical consumers. “We want our kids to have exciting and gratifying sex lives, so an open-minded, constructive dialogue is the best way to make sure that they are able to make meaningful decisions for themselves, ” he told The Guardian.

Sara, who is now 28, appreciated her parents’ candor. On Reddit, she shares that she lost her virginity with her parents knowing it was going to happen, and the following day, they talked about it. She told them how it felt both physically and emotionally.

“Looking back, I can’t imagine having been forced to lose my virginity in secret, with no counseling from my parents about what to expect,” she writes.

“One of the great sins American parents make is not being open about sex,” she adds. “I told my parents about my first kiss, the first time I let a boy touch my breasts, and the first time I rubbed my hand on the outside of a boy’s shorts and felt him hard underneath. There were many many conversations with my parents, each with the central theme that I should never let myself be pressured into anything and that it was 100 percent okay to do sexual things if they were my choice and I wanted them to happen. They also always reminded me not to make choices in the heat of the moment and to consider internally if I wanted it for myself or to make the boy happy.”

If she ever has children of her own, Sara hopes to raise them in the same type of environment—one in which sex is seen as a natural, wonderful part of life, not a forbidden secret.