As an experienced two-time high school debater (Death penalty? I think not!), I can speak on behalf of everyone when I say that arguing gets you nowhere.

Don’t agree? Not important. Just hold in your objections and channel your anger into performance art while I gently and non-aggressively outline my point.

In fact, I think it would be best if you listened to some soothing ocean noises while you read this.

[Note: My argument is only technically a debate if I acknowledge the other point of view—which, of course, I would never do.]

Opening Statement

“Everything you need to know."

Debates are pointless.

Argument

“I’m just going to talk for a couple of minutes.”

First of all, no one listens. Debaters are always too busy thinking about what they are going to say to pay any attention to what anyone else is saying.

Also, half the time nothing anyone says makes any sense. Not that anyone notices because, like I said, everyone is too busy not listening or, in the case of the Presidential debates, talking over the moderator (in my opinion Jim Lehrer is the real winner for never blinking).

Rebuttal

“What’s that over there?”

I will concede that all of the hand gestures used in debates are incredibly entertaining. But they are just another method of evading the questions posed. Other methods: cute anniversary antidotes and taking a moment with a Twix (my high school debates were always inconveniently scheduled during lunch).

Conclusion

“Finally. Who wants to go get drinks after this?”

In short, we end up where we started, just standing around in a room for a couple hours listening to ourselves talk. Or in my case, cry.