What's the funniest nerdy joke you know?

Mar 27, 2012 9:24 PM

Be it math, science or something completely esoteric.

Mine is an oldie from my profession:
A mathematician, a physicist and a statistician went hunting for deer. When they chanced upon one buck lounging about, the mathematician fired first, missing the buck's nose by a few inches. The physicist then tried his hand, and missed the tail by a wee bit. The statistician started jumping up and down saying "We got him! We got him!"

Top Answers

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading “WHERE AM I?” and hold it up for the building’s occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.”

@rprebel: A man takes a hot air balloon ride and gets blown wildly off course. He sees another man on the ground and yells down to him."Hey, do you know where I am? I'm supposed to meet a friend after my ride, but I'm worried that I'm too far away now to get back in time." The man replies, "Yes. You're 40 feet above the ground in a hot air balloon, at 38 degrees north, 97 degrees west." "You must be an engineer." "You're right, but how did you know?" "You've wasted my time by giving me a technically correct but completely impractical answer. I'm still lost and late." "You must be an executive." "Yes, how did you know?" "You got yourself lost and made promises you couldn't keep, complained when I tried to help, and somehow the whole situation is my fault now!"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading “WHERE AM I?” and hold it up for the building’s occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer.”

@rprebel: A man takes a hot air balloon ride and gets blown wildly off course. He sees another man on the ground and yells down to him."Hey, do you know where I am? I'm supposed to meet a friend after my ride, but I'm worried that I'm too far away now to get back in time." The man replies, "Yes. You're 40 feet above the ground in a hot air balloon, at 38 degrees north, 97 degrees west." "You must be an engineer." "You're right, but how did you know?" "You've wasted my time by giving me a technically correct but completely impractical answer. I'm still lost and late." "You must be an executive." "Yes, how did you know?" "You got yourself lost and made promises you couldn't keep, complained when I tried to help, and somehow the whole situation is my fault now!"

A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist are having lunch at a cafe across the street from a hotel. As they are eating, they see two people enter the hotel. A short while later, they observe three people leaving the building. The biologist remarks "they must have reproduced while they were inside!" The physicist smiles and says "no, there must be some part of the system we cannot observe!" The mathematician thinks for a second and says "if one more person walks in, the building will be empty."

A physicist, a marine biologist, and a chemist are walking down the beach. As the wind picks up, the physicist gets terribly excited by the wave mechanics, runs into the ocean and disappears beneath the water. The marine biologist, thinking of all the wonderful aquatic life, also gets excited and runs into the water and vanishes. The chemist thinks for a moment, pulls out a notebook, and writes "the physicist and biologist are soluble in water."

A farmer hires a physicist to help him get more milk from his cows. The physicist agrees to help, and after several weeks of deliberation, announces he has a solution that will increase milk output. He says, "Let's begin by considering a spherical cow..."

A neutrino walks into a bar, orders a beer, and doesn't interact with anyone.

I also really like when a friend asks me "What's up?" because I can give the deadpan reply "Entropy."

(Yes, I have a lot of these. Physicists tend to go either insane or inane.)

Before I started reading all the jokes, I thought.,.. "what could I add"... and my favorite would have been the UDP joke, but someone beat me to it.. that's OK... I'm sure many people here did not get it.

A manager, hardware technician, and a software engineer are on their way to a business conference through some mountains. Suddently, the brakes go out just as they approach a hard left turn down one of the mountains. The car veers wide and crashes into a guard rail. Despite the friction from the barrier, they've still picked up a lot of speed and crash into the side of the mountain at the bottom of the slope. The passengers climb out of the car completely unscathed to assess the damage.

"We can fix this," says the manager. "We still need to meet our business objective of presenting at the conference. We'll form a committee, draw up an action plan with measurable goals, then email it to HR for approval."

"I have a hardward kit in my luggage," says the hardware tech. "I can probably find the cause of the failure and repair it."

"Wait, wait, before we do any of that," says the software engineer "we should push the car back to the top of the hill and see if we can recreate the problem."

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is an air cannon that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It also seems that British Rail was very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, ultra high speed locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA checked the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Next time, try thawing it first."

Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (unconfirmed)

AMERICANS: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

CANADIANS: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

AMERICANS: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

CANADIANS: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

AMERICANS: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. That’s ONE-FIVE degrees north, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!"

@captainsuperdawg: The first one is a little tongue-in-cheek play at how physicists are infamous for over-simplifying problems (i.e., cows are not actually spherical, but assuming they are simplifies everything).

Neutrinos don't interact with matter very much, they usually sail right through (in fact, there are billions going through you RIGHT NOW!)

And the second law of thermodynamics says that entropy always increases (in a closed system), so it is technically always "up."

Many years ago there was a mighty Indian chief who had three wives. It came to pass that his first wife was to bear a child. When the time came she was placed upon the hide of a wolf and gave birth to a boy weighing 5 pounds. The chief was concerned about how scrawny the child was but took no real action. More time passed and the second wife was to bear a child. When the time came she was placed upon the hide of a bear and gave birth to a boy weighing 5 pounds. This time the chief resolved he would do something about his next child. More time passed and the third wife was to bear a child. The chief went to the medicine man and asked what could be done to ensure that he would have a child that was a giant among men. The medicine man gave the chief the hide of a hippo. When the baby was born he weighed a robust 10 pounds. This goes to prove that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

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