NEW YORK -- People buy sports-utility vehicles in order to feel safe.
Cruising high above a sea of sedans in a three-ton chunk of Japanese steel
as you gleefully sideswipe a defenseless Geo Metro, belching airborne
pollutants at 9 miles a gallon, you can't help but revel in your role as
an automotive Osama bin Laden. You're big! You're fast! You're really,
really big! But SUV buyers are quickly finding that riding high doesn't
necessarily mean riding smart.

This week alone, Isuzu recalled 1,945 Trooper SUVs to repair gearbox parts
that can cause a sudden loss of drive to the wheels, and Chrysler took
back 8,144 1998 Dodge Ram pickup trucks (which feature the same chasis
design as SUVs) because they have a screw that can rub against a fuel
line, causing a fire.

Now the Federal Highway Administration is banning further installation of
two of the most common types of guardrail because they cause full-size
pickup trucks -- and probably SUVs -- to roll over in a crash. According
to King K. Mak, supervisor of tests at the Texas Transportation Institute,
the very feature that allows pickups to climb muddy unpaved roads --
exposed wheels inside small wheel wells -- also makes them climb the
guardrails, which are used on hundreds of thousands of miles of federal
highways. When two-wheel-drive pickups were driven into the guardrails at
a 25-degree angle at 62 miles per hour, they rolled over consistently.

Since four-wheel-drive SUVs are based on the same chassis design as
pickups and ride 2 to 3 inches higher off the ground, researchers believe
that they too will fare poorly in encounters with these guardrails. And
a federal review of national crash records found that SUVs are more than
twice as likely as regular cars to roll over when hitting a guardrail.

And you thought God was dead.

With the possible exception of Slobodan Milosevic, there can't possibly
be enough room in hell for the vicious, selfish thugs who drive these
metallic monstrosities. Far from eliminating SUV-unfriendly guardrails,
we ought to install them everywhere -- let's get SUV road terrorists off
the roads, dead or alive.

Consider the mentality of the typical consumer who buys one of these
things:

Seduced by commercials depicting the beasts climbing the side of Mount
McKinley, this suburban yuppie fancies himself a rugged individualist, a
tough outdoorsman who tools around the outback, though fewer than 2
percent of SUVs ever leave a paved road.

For the SUV buyer, fuel conservation becomes an issue only when gas prices
are high. When gas averages a mere Defense Department-subsidized buck per
gallon, who cares about a little ozone depletion?

But the real reason people shell out $40,000 for a glorified station wagon
is the Law of Conservation of Momentum. When an object is hit by another
object three times heavier, it absorbs three times the shock of impact,
three times the damage, three times the body count. In the case of an SUV
hitting a standard passenger car, the height differential also favors the
SUV. Since only relatively wealthy people can afford them, the driving
public has become segregated into two classes, predator and prey. Buying
an SUV makes a statement: I deserve to live more than you do. Let your
children die so that mine may live.

In other words, SUV drivers are dumb. They hate the planet. And they hate
you.

Until a decade ago, full-size pickups were a rural phenomenon, driven by
people who needed to haul stuff around. But a loophole that exempts the
relatively small number of pickups from fuel-emissions standards has been
foolishly extended to SUVs. The result is nothing short of an
environmental disaster; now that SUVs account for half of all new vehicles
sold in the United States, we've wiped out decades of progress fighting
air pollution. And unlike the old pickups, SUVs are too souped up for
their huge size, making them far more dangerous to other cars.
Furthermore, the SUV-related death toll will undoubtedly skyrocket in the
next few years as used models become the car of choice for America's
accident-prone teen drivers.

The problem is so huge that the reasonable solution would be an outright
ban, but we live in a country where individual choice and corporate
profits invariably win out over the public good. The only way to put an
end to SUV madness is to ostracize the idiots who buy them. Whenever you
walk past one in a parking lot, put your used gum on the windshield. Spit
on it. Catch up on your shaving cream art skills. Disown anyone who buys
one.

In the end, however, nothing is better than getting rid of both the SUV
and the moron who buys one. Let's leave those guardrails where they are!

(Ted Rall, a cartoonist and columnist for Universal Press Syndicate, is
author of "Revenge of the Latchkey Kids.")

NEW YORK =
-- People=20
buy sports-utility vehicles in order to feel safe.Cruising high =
above a sea=20
of sedans in a three-ton chunk of Japanese steelas you gleefully =
sideswipe a=20
defenseless Geo Metro, belching airbornepollutants at 9 miles a =
gallon, you=20
can't help but revel in your role asan automotive Osama bin Laden. =
You're=20
big! You're fast! You're really,really big! But SUV buyers are =
quickly=20
finding that riding high doesn'tnecessarily mean riding =
smart.

This=20
week alone, Isuzu recalled 1,945 Trooper SUVs to repair gearbox =
partsthat=20
can cause a sudden loss of drive to the wheels, and Chrysler =
tookback 8,144=20
1998 Dodge Ram pickup trucks (which feature the same chasisdesign as =
SUVs)=20
because they have a screw that can rub against a fuelline, causing a =
fire.

Now the Federal Highway Administration is banning further=20
installation oftwo of the most common types of guardrail because =
they cause=20
full-sizepickup trucks -- and probably SUVs -- to roll over in a =
crash.=20
Accordingto King K. Mak, supervisor of tests at the Texas =
Transportation=20
Institute,the very feature that allows pickups to climb muddy =
unpaved roads=20
--exposed wheels inside small wheel wells -- also makes them climb=20
theguardrails, which are used on hundreds of thousands of miles of=20
federalhighways. When two-wheel-drive pickups were driven into the=20
guardrails ata 25-degree angle at 62 miles per hour, they rolled =
over=20
consistently.

Since four-wheel-drive SUVs are based on the same =
chassis=20
design aspickups and ride 2 to 3 inches higher off the ground, =
researchers=20
believethat they too will fare poorly in encounters with these =
guardrails.=20
Anda federal review of national crash records found that SUVs are =
more=20
thantwice as likely as regular cars to roll over when hitting a=20
guardrail.

Consider the mentality of the typical consumer who buys =
one of=20
thesethings:

Seduced by commercials depicting the beasts =
climbing the=20
side of MountMcKinley, this suburban yuppie fancies himself a rugged =
individualist, atough outdoorsman who tools around the outback, =
though fewer=20
than 2percent of SUVs ever leave a paved road.

For the SUV =
buyer,=20
fuel conservation becomes an issue only when gas pricesare high. =
When gas=20
averages a mere Defense Department-subsidized buck pergallon, who =
cares=20
about a little ozone depletion?

But the real reason people shell =
out=20
$40,000 for a glorified station wagonis the Law of Conservation of =
Momentum.=20
When an object is hit by anotherobject three times heavier, it =
absorbs three=20
times the shock of impact,three times the damage, three times the =
body=20
count. In the case of an SUVhitting a standard passenger car, the =
height=20
differential also favors theSUV. Since only relatively wealthy =
people can=20
afford them, the drivingpublic has become segregated into two =
classes,=20
predator and prey. Buyingan SUV makes a statement: I deserve to live =
more=20
than you do. Let yourchildren die so that mine may live.

In =
other=20
words, SUV drivers are dumb. They hate the planet. And they=20
hateyou.

Until a decade ago, full-size pickups were a rural=20
phenomenon, driven bypeople who needed to haul stuff around. But a =
loophole=20
that exempts therelatively small number of pickups from =
fuel-emissions=20
standards has beenfoolishly extended to SUVs. The result is nothing =
short of=20
anenvironmental disaster; now that SUVs account for half of all new=20
vehiclessold in the United States, we've wiped out decades of =
progress=20
fightingair pollution. And unlike the old pickups, SUVs are =
too souped=20
up fortheir huge size, making them far more dangerous to other=20
cars.Furthermore, the SUV-related death toll will undoubtedly =
skyrocket in=20
thenext few years as used models become the car of choice for=20
America'saccident-prone teen drivers.

The problem is so huge =
that the=20
reasonable solution would be an outrightban, but we live in a =
country where=20
individual choice and corporateprofits invariably win out over the =
public=20
good. The only way to put anend to SUV madness is to ostracize the =
idiots=20
who buy them. Whenever youwalk past one in a parking lot, put your =
used gum=20
on the windshield. Spiton it. Catch up on your shaving cream art =
skills.=20
Disown anyone who buysone.

In the end, however, nothing is =
better=20
than getting rid of both the SUVand the moron who buys one. Let's =
leave=20
those guardrails where they are!

(Ted Rall, a cartoonist and =
columnist=20
for Universal Press Syndicate, isauthor of "Revenge of the =
Latchkey=20
Kids.")