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Sunday, January 1, 2017

Parents, feel free to share this
with your children, unless of course you think these words don’t apply to you
in which case you are in denial, still waiting for these special days, or are a
unicorn.

Kids, read
these words carefully because they are written with the utmost amount of love
and devotion a parent can offer their children.

Believe it
or not, we do not like to hear the sound of our voices being yelled through the
house. We do not like to strain our vocal cords unless there is a reason to
celebrate one of your many achievements of awesomeness as a person we created
and raised from a helpless, drooling, beautiful baby. We do not like to reign
over you like a dictator, treat you like a prisoner, or dominate every breath
you take.

But as
decent parents there are jobs we have to do. When you do your very best to
ignore these horribly taxing demands time after time, it’s our human nature to
scream these demands at you, consistently, until you’re old enough to realize
that we were right all along. This will probably be just before your
twenty-fifth birthday.

I have
realized, after a night of reminding you yet again, that you must be vehemently
opposed to brushing your teeth. I know this because I have purchased you every
flavor of toothpaste known to mankind, any toothbrush that you desired, and told
you how expensive dental work can be. If, after all of my pleading, you still
choose to sneak to bed wearing fuzzy slippers on your teeth, I am waving the
whitening strip flag. Maybe someday you’ll understand the importance of good
dental hygiene.

Speaking of
eating, let’s discuss the issue of eating food that isn’t full of fat, sugar,
and salt. I understand these foods rank much higher on the taste scale, and we
have raised you to hopefully understand the concept of moderation. However,
when given something that is not your favorite, a tangy squash perhaps,
remember there is a nutritional reason we dump these despicable things on your
plate. It would save us all some time if you manned up and ate the minimal
amount we gave you instead of pushing it around on your plate until my head
explodes and spinach comes shooting out of my ears.

Finally,
when we say you need to change your socks everyday, there’s a reason. Your feet
stink. Not just a mild odor, we literally can smell them from any room in the
house when you take your shoes off. After the gagging subsides, the deafening
reminders commence. We don’t want to be telling you these anymore than we want to
smell your feet, but you need to understand we don’t know if the rest of the
human race can survive it.

Children,
we love you unconditionally, through lack of nutrition, green teeth, and smelly
feet. But do the world and yourselves a favor and take note of our constant
reminders.

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Karrie McAllister writes and mothers from Small Town, Ohio, where she is also in the running for having the most unrelated part time jobs. Her column, Dirt Don't Hurt, has appeared on numerous Web sites and newspapers since 2005, and this blog is how she keeps track of them all until she can publish another book. Contact her at KarrieMcAllister [at] aol.com