Schools in Denmark prioritise teamwork and empathy rather than individual achievement.
Photograph: Alamy

Having muddled through six years of parenthood without consulting any books on the subject, I was pretty excited about this, my first one. Perhaps it would finally provide some answers to the many questions that have been building up in my mind. Such as: it is possible to clean poo off the carpet at 6am without weeping? Where does one find a glamorous, highly paid, flexible, family-friendly job? How do I train my children to mix a perfect vodka and tonic, and bring it to me on the sofa before dinner? What are you supposed to do when they just sit down on the pavement half way to school and refuse to move?

I had high hopes for The Danish Way of Parenting, which promises to “help parents from all walks of life raise the happiest, most well-adjusted kids in the world”. The argument of the book is compelling. Denmark has been found to have the happiest people in the world almost every year since 1973, but there has never been a clear consensus about why. The authors, an American writer and her Danish psychotherapist husband, claim to have uncovered the secret: Danes are happy because of their upbringing. This exposition of the Danish parenting philosophy, originally self-published, sold more than 10,000 copies in a year. Although this edition has a British publisher, there’s a great deal about “what it means to be an American parent”.

One of the key things to emerge was just how glad I am not to be an American parent. This book paints a damning portrait of child-rearing in the States (though I’m sure the truth is more complicated): individualism and competition are the twin bedrocks, with kids pushed relentlessly to “achieve” in sports and academia, and medicated when they can’t cope. In 2010, 5.2 million American children were on Ritalin, and obesity is leading to an epidemic of early-onset puberty, which in turn is often treated with hormone shots. I had no idea that corporal punishment – hitting students with a paddle or cane for misbehaving – is still legal in state schools in 19 US states, and is allowed in private schools across the country. Studies suggest that up to 90% of Americans still use spanking as a form of discipline for their children.

What Britain could learn from Denmark's childcare model

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In contrast, in Denmark the emphasis is on wellbeing through interdependence. Children start school aged six, and until the age of 10 finish the day at two o’clock, with the afternoon dedicated to free play. The curriculum prioritises teamwork and building empathy rather than individual achievement. And it’s not just education: the health system, too, does simple but effective things such as link new mothers up with others in their area for support in the crucial first few months. So when the authors say that “upbringing” is the key to happiness in Denmark, they are not just talking about parenting. They are talking about a humane and cohesive society, with systems in place to support everyone. What American, or indeed British, readers would need to bring such a situation about is not a parenting book, but political upheaval. (Though the truth about Denmark is more complicated, too.)

The parenting tips are sensible enough, if hardly earth-shattering. They are organised around the “easy-to-remember acronym Parent” – Play, Authenticity, Reframing, Empathy, No ultimatums and Togetherness. Some seem pretty obvious (“If your kids ask a question, give them an honest answer”; “connect with your child and lighten the situation with humour”). Others lend technical terminology to behaviour that most of us would instinctively recognise as the right thing to do.

The “Reframing” chapter, for example, advises us to accentuate the positive aspects of negative experiences: the child says they played football badly; you tell them they’ll do better next time. We should avoid labelling children with negative traits by separating the behaviour and the child – so rather than calling little Walter lazy, we are supposed to tell him he is “affected by laziness”. “No ultimatums” is maintaining a calm and authoritative manner, without shouting or hitting. “Togetherness”, or the very on-trend concept of “hygge”, is making time for families to do nice things together – such as lighting candles, playing games and singing. It’s basically the opposite of all sitting in separate rooms with iPads.

The problem with this, as with any parenting advice, is the all-important difference between knowing what the right thing to do is, and actually doing it. Of course I never want to stand in the middle of the street screaming “Just get off the sodding pavement” at my three-year-old. Clearly I would know, in a saner moment, that this is only likely to teach him to scream back at me, or at somebody else. But in that moment the knowledge is useless because he is driving me totally nuts. As the authors acknowledge, much of our behaviour as parents comes from our “default settings”, learned in childhood and absorbed from our surroundings. We can – and of course we should – try to be better parents on an individual level, but it’s important to recognise that we can’t pick up the pieces where society is failing.

Perhaps rather than navel-gazing endlessly about “parenting”, we need to direct our desire for change and improvement into the outside world. If that seems a little overwhelming, there is still, Brexit notwithstanding, another option just about open to us: move to Denmark.