Embracing the inner pink and living with intention and absurdity. I am woman, hear me roar.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Write and wrong

Whose decision is it whether something is right or wrong? Do you listen to your self, your friends, your therapist, your parents, your god?

I sat in the psychiatrist's office, saying that I felt numb or kind of detached from life. I just increased my medication the week before, so maybe it was that. I asked again when I'd get off of Lexapro, one of the medications I'm on and have been since the early days of the depression.

Why are you eager to get off it? She asked. What does it mean to you?

And I just cried. It means being normal again - having a regular life. It means moving on.

And realized I had spent the last Sunday with my ex. I swore all was well, and it was until I realized I was sobbing because of it. (and the signs at the church driving by that he didn't notice, about how marriage is sacred or somesuch statement, and reading about people finding love in the blogosphere, and giving him a small neckrub in the middle of the climb and not feeling awkward at all because he is just a friend...)

Grief washes over you at times. It can take a long time to heal from a divorce - she said kindly as she sat and looked at me.

I just told her I'd sit in her waiting room and cry. In addition to the $35 missed appointment fee, I didn't want to be charged extra for something beyond medication management. And besides, there was nothing she could do. I just had to cry.

Friends, acquaintances, others, say I should not speak to him. I shouldn't spend time with him. But that's not my decision - that's not what I want to do. It makes me bleed a little, but to me bleeding is better than running away. I'm very sorry to those who 'have to' listen to me, and see I'm in pain, and feel there's nothing they can do. But I make my own decisions, as everyone does, be they right or wrong in whosever's eyes, and I live with them. Not always easily. I do take care of myself by pulling back some, but I won't see it as a weakness to be willing to spend time with him and cry because of it.

14 comments:

It is hard for us, as people who care about your feelings, to see you hurt. However, I unconditionally support your right to handle your relationships as you deem best for you. There will always be pain...this or some other...and you are handling it in your own way. Way to go, Woman with No Regrets.

I'm just one of those people who needs time away from people to get over them. After a couple of months away, I can usually make the transition to friendship. I realize that everyone does things differently, and you know what works best for you. I'm glad you listen to yourself.

Laura, thanks. I prefer to get my pain in bits and spurts. I have listened some and did spend less time with him and it did help, but I can't NOT see him.

Thanks to you too Tara... and Monty.

Churlita - maybe I'm transitioning to something new. I used to spend WAY too much time with ex's and it was ultimately unhealthy. But completed cutting it off is something I can't/won't do yet. The relationship will disappear eventually.

Thank you Trumpeteer for your comment. I understand what you are saying. Maybe I should have written instead that I have to do it at my own pace. I have slowly spent less and less time with him, and it does enable me to heal.

Susan, well, hang in there. Sometimes I wonder if it's stupidity or stubbornness rather than courage... But who knows. It just is.

Yaknow, I go back to the principles for living that I adopted for myself.....cuz I had no principles (or darn few). And I align myself with people who I trust will tell me what they see.

And I consult the Big Guy, of course.

He assures me that I'm loved exactly as is, that I have permission to grow at my own pace, and that there really are reasons I'm getting to go through what I'm getting to go through--GOOD reasons, even if I don't see them at this moment in time.

StrayCat - thanks. I searched and saw what it's about - will get it and read. I thought at first it was the same title as Chinua Achebe's book (which, if you haven't read, you should - though it's not self help) but there's no 'when' in the title.

And boy o boy - there's a part of me that goes nuts when you comment since it takes me a while to get that song out of myhead!!!!

About Me

Living my life on a bumper sticker: Destined to be an Old Woman with No Regrets.
See also: Leo; burly girl; rock climber; artist-wanna-be; youngest of six; gassy girl; seeker of truth, laughter and beauty.