3. People say you shouldn’t go where you’re not wanted. Yeah, but what if you’re a fugitive?

These sandwiches never leave me wanting more.

4. One method of critiquing someone is the “compliment sandwich” method. If the criticism is the meat then obviously my boss wants me to be on a low carb diet.

No one goes in the voting booth with you right?

5. Yo what if secretly Warren Buffet votes Republican in the booth when no one is watching?

That is some adorable bacon.

6. Did you know that pigs are actually smarter than dogs? Oh you didn’t? Yeah that’s because they are delicious.

You know the sound guy hated Brooklyn's own Randy Watson

7. Whenever someone drops the mic on stage I always think about that poor sound guy who has to fix that.

Olive Oil... it's not just for cooking.

8. I know there is extra virgin olive oil but is there any dirty dirty whore olive oil?

My bad yo!

9. You ever have a moment of pure ignorant prejudice? I had one the other day in the grocery store. I saw a woman in a berka on a cell phone. For some reason that struck me as odd. Finally I realized that the unease I felt was because I thought it was against her religion to use technology. I was like, “Muslims can’t use cell phones.” As quickly as I thought that my brain had a second MORE ignorant thought of, “Oh wait yes they can that’s how they set off the bombs.” And now that thought is in your head. You’re welcome.

Side Note: The difference between me and most Republicans is that it took me 5 seconds to realize this was dumb and racist.

Tricks and Treating

10. They really have to change it to “Hoe-llaween” at this point right?

It's not creepy if you're CPR certified.

11. I’m getting my CPR recertification tonight. I think everyone should do it. Even if you don’t do it to save lives it’s a good alibi for hovering over an unconscious person.

It'll only cost you Drew Brees for Philip Rivers.

12. My fantasy football team is so bad I proposed a trade to my white friend citing “reparation forgiveness” as a reason he should do the trade.

Time to hit up apartmentfinder.com Styles.

13. Styles P has been rapping about the same crimes for almost 2 decades now. Move neighborhoods dude.

I'm happy to be employed an all but boy is it depressing.

14. You know you have a pretty uptight job when people talk in their cubicles like how antelope drink water in the wild.

The Jewish Madea?

15. Is there a Jewish word for coon? Cause it feels like Adam Sandler has crossed that line for Jewish people.

So this is what Dan Gilbert uses for kindling?

16. I think people have wedding photos only because they need something to put tears on and burn once the divorce comes.

Without gravity there would be no bras.

17. Some people say they don’t see race. I like to tell them I don’t see gravity.

Impossible? Have a little faith in yourselves guys. You've earned it.

18. Saw Mission Impossible 4 last night. Spoiler Alert: They accomplished the fucking mission again. It should be “Mission Harder Than U Think”

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