How to End a Relationship, and How Not To

One used to hear horror stories about people ending relationships with a brief note. Imagine opening a letter in a familiar handwriting (remember those days?) that you hope will be a love note or an invitation to something fun and finding a “Dear John (or Jane)” letter ending it all instead. Today, that seems almost gracious—compared to being dumped via an email or worse, a text message. Depending on which surveys you read and believe, anywhere from 10 to 17 percent of people have had the experience of being dumped electronically by a sweetheart (or an employer).

For years I have referred to the too-common practice of simply no longer responding to calls (or emails) from someone you’ve been dating, or no longer initiating them, as "the coward’s kiss-off." One avoids the painful “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation by just fading off into the wild blue yonder without actually saying a thing. Does someone who does that think the other person won’t notice his or her absence? Do they think, “If I don’t answer my phone or messages maybe she (or he) will just think I moved and forget I ever existed"? Wrong! What the other person will think is that you are the worst kind of creep or coward. What they will feel is angry, bewildered, used, and demeaned.

Of course, being told to your face that someone wants out of a relationship—whether it's a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a work arrangement—is also likely to hurt, but you do get the chance to hear their reasons and even to say a decent goodbye. Any relationship worthy of that name deserves a decent burial.

Some people, fearful of emotional scenes, arrange a difficult “this is goodbye” discussion in a public place, assuming the other person will exercise more control if others are watching. This may work, and it may not. Over the years, I've personally watched with fascination more than a dozen such public break-ups, with and without tears and loud recriminations.

So is there a best way to tell another person, “This relationship is just not working for me”? And best for whom—the one who is ending the relationship or the one being, for lack of a better word, dumped?

In either role, I strongly prefer a face-to-face discussion. If I am being dumped I want to at least see that this is causing the person ending the relationship some pain and discomfort, that it is not being done casually or on a whim, and that they have the courage and good grace to face me. If I am the one ending things, I feel I owe the other person the same respect, no matter how disagreeable the conversation is.

I can recommend a few things:

Be ready. Before you end a relationship of any sort, whether it's with an employee, someone you dated a few times, or a long-term partner, give the matter some consideration and have some thought-out points to make, such as “I don’t see this going anywhere,” or, “Much as I like you, I don’t think we have the same goal in mind.”

Pick your spot. Choose a time and place where you can have some time and privacy, but if you're convinced you'll need it, go ahead and arrange for a setting where it’s unlikely the other person will be able to make a scene.

Be kind. Say some good things about the person and what you have enjoyed about your time together, as a way of helping them salvage their self-respect.

Avoid an argument. If the other person disputes your points, remain firm. Apologize for hurting his or her feelings, be clear that your mind is made up, and then leave after making whatever arrangements are necessary, such as picking up possessions.

If you just don’t have the courage to do this face to face, or truly believe it would be a bad (or dangerous) idea to do so, then write a letter, but not a text or email—a real pen-on-paper letter. Again, pay some compliments, detail what was good about the relationship, and explain why you feel it needs to end.

NOTE: If you are the one being “fired," it’s perfectly okay to ask for some reasons, so you can learn from an unhappy situation. You may not get the "real” reason, but you may get some information you can use next time around or to offer some balm to your pride.

I did write the above. I am very aware of the emotional blackmail so many use to avoid being broken off with and of safety issues for men as well as women. These things do have to be taken into account, but "not worth the bother"? If the relationship had any meaning, I feel it is worth bothering to end it as nicely as possible.

Having recently gone through a break up with a person that thought not communicating was more "honest" I appreciate what you've said regarding feeling demeaned and bewildered (it's worth mentioning that this was a 3 year committed relationship) when being the one that's getting the fade away treatment. I can understand feelings change but to not have the decency to tell someone that, at least at some time you cared for, what is going on is just cowardice.

I understand the perspective of being cheated on, I've been there too and honestly, I felt better for having confronted the person and making sure that they knew what a giant disappointment they were.

I'm not afraid of confrontation, maybe that's the hurdle that some people can't get past? I'd rather talk it out than just stew in what seems like injustice at someone elses thoughtless and selfish behavior. Just because you want to hear it doesn't mean you want the relationship back.

I agree with the above comment.it is absolute cowardice to just run away. 15 years in a committed relationship which yes had it's ups and down but nothing major, he came into an inheritance, flew to get it and emailed to end things, no reason, no explanation and feels fine about it evidently after I had supported the relationship in every way you can imagine and his family.Lessons learned are huge, I am free to be myself and pleased to have moved on .....just makes me question whether I ever knew him at all..my eyes have been opened to the world of narcassists

I have been in a push-pull relationship for the last 4 years. There has been a lot of distance and he dumped me via text for another woman which devastated me, but this did not last. We started seeing each other again a year later but each time we meet up the same pattern emerged - a few days of togetherness and at the end I get the "it's not you, it's me" and "I cannot give you what you want" lines. It is confusing because he seems happy to be with me and is very affectionate. It distresses me a lot and I get angry at myself because I need to keep away but I get pulled back in and he is the one that keeps breaking it. He is now limiting contact with me and will be moving far away soon. I now wish I had never met him as the last few years have been truly soul destroying.

Thank you for your suggestion - I will read up on this. Yes,it becomes like an addiction but I also need to be responsible for my life from now on and be proactive in making change. I also need to reduce the drama in my life as my health has suffered from it.

Yes to all of that, with one major caveat: if you feel you're in danger, you get out of there any way you can. Forget manners, forget all of that. I don't feel that the author emphasized that nearly enough.

I have been in this relationship for almost 3 and a half years now, and due to some of his comments over me being narrow minded to justify his flirting with every lady he sees, i had decided to end the relationship. But three days pass and all the emotional blackmail and threats to end their life, i had to finally agree to stay and not to leave. I'm still looking forward to move on but don't think he is, and will ever be. Somebody do reply me if they know a way out, bcuz i have already tried all polite ways.

Once you have tried polite you try firm...and do it. You state your reasons for leaving, ask him not to phone, text, email, etc. and you do not reply to any of those. Do not be swayed by emotional blackmail. If you have made up your mind and communicated your feelings, the you act.