My 100 best (and worst) ONM headline jokes

My six years at the Official Nintendo Magazine were (at the time of writing at least) the best six years of my career.

There were plenty of reasons for this: it was my first major job, it was the job I’d always wanted to do, and there was a massive reader base who regularly communicated with me (many of them still do to this day).

One of the main reasons, though, was that I always had the freedom to tell bad jokes.

I’ve told bad jokes all my life, but usually people at school and uni would groan and walk away. ONM was my chance to tell bad jokes to tens of thousands of people who were less tempted to bail because they’d already paid £3.99 for the privilege. Mwa haaaa.

Recently I was going through my ONM archives and I started chuckling at some of my worst jokes, many of which I’d forgotten over the years. It got me in a nostalgic mood, so I’ve decided to share said nostalgia with you.

I’m going to run a series of articles based on my time at ONM, sharing my favourite ‘funny’ moments. In the future these will include my best screenshot captions and my best review quotes.

Today though, I’m sharing 100 of my headline jokes – be it the headlines themselves or (most often) the snarky one-liners under the game name in previews and reviews.

Most of these are ones I’m proud of. But, just so you don’t think this is one big massive ego trip, I’ve decided to end with some of my worst ones.

That said, I would understand if some of you still think this is me blowing my own trumpet. But here’s the deal: I’m massively proud of the thousands of articles I wrote for ONM, and there’s currently no archive of them online.

I share these bad jokes with you now, in order of publication, so that they may be preserved for future generations to look at and say “these are shite”.

‘Enjoy’.

Issue 6 – The kids love an obscure Devo referenceIssue 6Issue 8Issue 9 – Can’t beat a joke about angels on fireIssue 10 – Of course, Ronaldinho is nearly retired now and Ronnie Corbett is dead so this one’s a bit lacking in impact these daysIssue 10Issue 10Issue 11 – This ended up being renamed Yoshi’s Island DSIssue 11 – For the record, I love American football gamesIssue 12 – Sometimes you can’t beat the classicsIssue 13Issue 13 – Not sure I could get away with this one nowadaysIssue 14Issue 14 – Because it guards your van, get it? SighIssue 15 – Surprisingly, the only bra size joke I ever told in six yearsIssue 15 – For legal purposes I should stress that nobody in Blazin’ Squad ever committed murderIssue 15Issue 16Issue 16Issue 17 – A lovely out-of-date reference nowIssue 17 – Obviously I didn’t get all the ‘square’ jokes out of my system beforeIssue 18 – That month’s free gift was magnets. This is a reference to The Chemical Brothers’ ‘Galvanize’Issue 19 – I used the classic ‘is it x or y’ formula quite a lot over the yearsIssue 19Issue 20Issue 20 – As you can probably tell, I was also a fan of the ‘no, it’s not about x’ formulaIssue 20 – Amazingly, Nintendo didn’t complain about this oneIssue 21Issue 22Issue 22 – This one DEFINITELY wouldn’t work nowadaysIssue 23 – The free gift that month was a metal Zelda Hylian crest pin badge, you seeIssue 23Issue 23Issue 26Issue 27Issue 27Issue 28 – There was no online multiplayer in the Wii version of the game, hence ‘net fault’Issue 29Issue 29 – Years before Frozen nicked my idea, I should stressIssue 30 – A sub-heading for a WiiWare articleIssue 30Issue 30 – No complaints from The Pokemon Company here, eitherIssue 30Issue 32Issue 33Issue 36Issue 37Issue 39Issue 45 – I’ve never seen a Harry Potter film in my life so I’m happy with this oneIssue 46Issue 50Issue 50Issue 51 – Another Chemical Brothers referenceIssue 51Issue 55Issue 56 – This was shortly after Tiger Woods crashed his car while being chased by his wife (brandishing a golf club) after she learned he’d cheated on herIssue 57 – Another close-to-the-bone oneIssue 57Issue 58 – Every time we covered a Professor Layton game I wanted to use this and was rejected. This is the only time I managed to get away with itIssue 58 – Two gems next to each other on the same page. Ooft.Issue 59Issue 60Issue 61Issue 61Issue 63Issue 63 – This might be my favourite oneIssue 63Issue 63Issue 64Issue 65Issue 66 – This was the 3DS launch issue so the whole ‘3D without glasses’ thing was still a big talking point, hence the ‘no specs’Issue 71Issue 72Issue 73Issue 74Issue 76 – The 3D was the Dudley Boyz’ finishing moveIssue 77Issue 77 – A heading in a Mario Kart 7 guideIssue 78Issue 79Issue 79Issue 79Issue 80 – Wee quote from the film, thereIssue 81Issue 82

Issue 83

The shit ones

Here’s the thing: not all my headline jokes were winners. Some were cliched, some were lazy and some just weren’t funny at all.

Just to leave things on an ‘I am definitely human’ note, here’s some of my shittiest efforts from over the years.

Issue 5Issue 6 – ‘Monkey business’ is the laziest line you can use when covering Donkey KongIssue 8Issue 9Issue 14Issue 17 – It used to be called TOCA Race Driver. Ah ha ha.Issue 23Issue 27 – American readers; Clinton’s is a greeting card shop. Still not funny even though you now know thisIssue 35Issue 42Issue 48 – I really hope I don’t lazily put ‘Wii’ into another song lyric like this againIssue 57 – Ah, rightIssue 66Issue 67

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