Just in time for Christmas (yes, I know it’s December 29th…I didn’t say WHICH Christmas), it’s a festively joyous holiday edition of Dustin Heveron’s Less Good Versions of Well Known Songs! Like many of you, I couldn’t decide on which holiday hero to sing about, so I combined them all into one seamless song in a brand new musical invention that I am calling a “mashup.” As always, if you love it, feel free to pass it around to your friends, family, and loved ones. Or if you hate it, pass it around to your enemies, coworkers, and in-laws. Merry Christmas.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

Most tumblr questions I answer only insofar as they are interesting to me and/or present the opportunity to be funny via amusing myself and occasionally others (and so the circle of narcissism comes full…well, circle (I was in trouble like four words into that one)).

However, the above question struck me as one frequently on the minds of many young folk (and their not-so-young brethren such as myself), and seemed deserving of a slightly more in-depth answer than would befit the norms of that site. I’m fortunate because I’m generally one of the more positive humans I know, and I have primarily positive and uplifting people in my life, so I don’t find myself in this sort of situation very often. But when I do, it’s as potent as any other emotional state.

The answer (like all good answers), isn’t one answer. The answer is three answers. For me, at least. So far. It may be more by the time I’m done writing this thing out.

“How do you deal with sadness?”

Answer number one: I surround myself with the people, things, and activities that bring me joy.
This may seem the most obvious of the three, but the principle is simple: if you’re going to create an environment of sadness/negativity, you are going to have a lot of trouble not being sad. I’m not saying it’s not possible, you’re just creating more work for yourself than is necessary. I know sometimes when I get sad I don’t *feel* like being happy or being taken away from my world of wallowing (not to be confused with World of Wallowing, the less popular online role-playing game I invented), so instead of going right from sobbing to playing on the trampoline, it’s nice to have something in place that will act as a stepping stone, so instead of taking you from “depressed” to “overwhelmingly joyous” maybe it’s something that takes you from “depressed” to “pleasantly apathetic.” For me, it means instead of watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (a movie I absolutely love but does nothing to bolster my mood) — but also not being ready for the laugh-riot that is Anchorman or Dumb & Dumber — I might watch a sports documentary or a Wes Anderson film (sad but not too sad, comedy but not uproariously laugh-driven). The same is true with people; if you’re an introvert and you’re feeling down, you might not want to hit the super hip rager of a party that the popular kids are throwing, but maybe having a couple friends over to drink hot chocolate and watch Netflix (I like movies, if you haven’t gathered that already) would be enough to bolster your spirits. Maybe you’ll think it a bit passé, but I also enjoy reading with some calming but bright background music (classical, jazz, Anderson Cale) as an activity to counteract malaise.

Answer the second: I let God/Jesus do the heavy lifting.
This may not be a very popular or “cool” answer, but truthfully a lot of what gives me comfort when I’m sad or depressed is the hope that comes from relationship with Jesus as Savior. It removes a lot of the pressure that I put on myself or my successes/failures or my environment/circumstances to provide me with happiness and/or a sense of purpose, and lets me rest easy in the hope of Christ. Ultimately, the foundation of my joy comes from the wellspring of eternal love that is God, and all of life’s earthly concerns and sad matters fall into appropriately-lesser perspective by comparison.

Answer three: I don’t.
I don’t want to seem like I’m promoting the idea of wallowing in one’s own sadness, but a myth that is incorrectly perpetuated is that one needs to find a *solution* to sadness at all. The truth of the matter is that in many intense instances (death of a loved one, loss of a career, eviction, etc.), heavy sadness is a very real and very necessary response. And the same is true with lesser sad events as well. Your body is built to respond with sadness as a way to respond and reflect, and I find that meditating through the sad times can be a healthy and effective way to process and learn from sadness. If you broke your leg, you wouldn’t begrudge your body the time it needed to heal & repair, and the same is true for your emotional body as well. So oftentimes when I’m struck with sadness, I’ll let it run its course, spend some time in prayer and reflection, and let it provide the sharp contrast that makes my happiness all the brighter.

So, my anonymous occasionally-sad chum, maybe some of this is helpful to you, maybe it’s not, but either way this is how I process through the sad times, and it works for me. And if none of that helps, there’s always alcohol. Please drink responsibly.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, tumblr, youtube, (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

McDonald’s = The slutty one. Too available, too eager to please, and kind of gross when you find out some of the behind-the-scenes, next-level details. Over six billion served.

Taco Bell = The girl that I was ashamed to be seen with. Sure we got along great, same interests, fun chemistry…but for whatever reason, I found myself embarrassed to be seen with her. Maybe it was her lack of intelligence, maybe it was her off-putting style, maybe she was the kind of girl I didn’t think would get along with my friends — whatever the reason, I kept our relationship on the down low the same way I sneak my bag full of chalupas in the back way to my apartment, then dispose of the evidence in the trash before the roommate gets home.

Wendy’s = The boring one. As all-American as the redhead with pigtails on the front door, this girl is as plain and simple as the good, old-fashioned hamburgers we’ve had for years. Unfortunately, plain, simple, and old-fashioned aren’t always the adjectives you want to describe your relationship, and this girl gets stale as quickly as a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger that isn’t eaten in the first 90 seconds of being served.

Burger King = The doormat. Whatever you want, that’s what she wants too. Burger King wants you to “Have it your way” and so does this girl. Her favorite movie? Whatever you want to see. Her favorite hobbies? Anything you’re in to. Her ideal date night? Doesn’t matter as long as it’s with you. This girl is fine if you’re the sort of guy who doesn’t want to be challenged or questioned in a relationship, but the rest of us prefer to date equals, not just Yes-Men/Yes-Women.

Carl’s Jr./Hardees = The one that stopped trying. For some women, the goal is just to get a boyfriend, any boyfriend, and that’s as ambitious as they’ve ever gotten. At some point in the ‘80s, the Fast Food Civil War was declared a three-way victory between McD’s/BK/Wendy’s, with everyone else left to just snap up whatever scraps of success they could. For Carl’s Jr, that was plenty. No desire or ability to shoot beyond their current level, they’re just happy to be in the game at all, and if that means settling for less than the best, then come on in, because we have an order of microwaved chili-cheese fries and some B-rate marketing with your name on it.

Subway = The fake. If you like your ham to come from a tube and your tomatoes as soft as a Drake album, then this is the place for you. This is the girl who sings your praises as “world’s best boyfriend” to your face, then rips you to shreds with made-up maladies in front of her girlfriend crew just so she can have some drama to dish about. You could never figure out why her family didn’t like you the same way you couldn’t figure out how all these pro athletes stay in Olympic shape on a diet of footlong meatball subs. Only after the fact do you realize that your girlfriend was painting a picture of you that was drastically different from actual reality — the same way Michael Phelps is only eating Italian BMTs after his medical marijuana-induced munchies have kicked in.

In N Out Burger = The Keeper. Quality ingredients, happy and confident in what they are, and a delicious menu that seems simple at first glance but actually has a much more-than-meets-the-eye complexity to it; this is The Mrs. Right of restaurants. Smarts, looks, and a great heart all swirled together like a delicious Neapolitan shake, this is the one that you compare all the others to — and realize they don’t even come close. And of course, always worth the wait (even when the drive-through line is wrapped around the block).

…But then again what do I know? I’m just an Arby’s — overpriced, overrated, thinks it’s better than it actually is, past its prime, and nobody’s first choice. But hey at least we’ll always have that Jamocha Shake to look forward to, right? …RIGHT?? :’(

Play on,
Dustin

NOTE/DISCLAIMER: I am generalizing types of women from MY LIFE that I HAVE MET/KNOW, not all women as a whole. So if you think that this jokey list doesn’t thoroughly/accurately represent every type of woman that exists: you’re right. Women are a diverse and wonderful species and this is meant to be a jovial/exaggerated documentation of my own experiences with a handful of them, not an exhaustive catalog of all the majesty that is womankind. This isn’t an objectification of women, it’s a personification of fast food restaurants. So spare me the hate mail. :) And if you’re still offended, then no worries, I’ve already written you an apology here.

=

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

In a rare stroke of historical fortune, I managed to get my hands on Yelp reviews from the VERY FIRST Thanksgiving(!). Long considered some of the very first Yelp reviews ever documented, these offer some amazing and unique insight into our country’s history. Peruse and enjoy.

Edward “E.W.” Winslow:
Ugh, where do I even begin? At one time we used to come to the cornucopia at least four times a month, unfortunately in recent years the quality and service has degraded to the point that it is self abuse to even consider eating there.

I think that the management and the employees think that this poor excuse for service and food is acceptable considering how busy they are on Friday and Saturday nights, but most of the activity is outside in the parking lot and we have gone to eating elsewhere prior to showing up at Bobs and seeing our friends.

Here’s what you do.
1. Go to Ribs USA and have ribs and a pitcher.
2. Go Bob’s Parking Lot and look at the cars and see friends.
3. Pick up a latte at Starbucks next to Bob’s.

1/5 Stars, would not recommend.

S.E. Morrison:
Methinks I love it here!

My grandparents used to take me to this sort of thing when I was a kid which contributed to my status of “chubster.”

I have been begging my best friend Eric for years to go and he finally gave in. We arrived late to avoid the crowds and seated almost immediately.

I remember the burgers being a bit bigger or maybe I just grew into them. They are delicious and the secret sauce is awesome. I enjoyed a diet coke and ended the evening with the chocolate ice cream cake. I nearly stabbed my friend’s hand off when he attempted to hijack some of my cake! It was that good. Of course I’d never resort to violence in a group like this, we just get along too well! :)

4/5 Stars, probably would recommend.

Asst. Chief Kevin “River Bull” Cuadogah:
Cranberry sauce was runny, turkey was dry, but the goose was okay. Stick around for the pumpkin pie though, you do NOT want to miss that! ;) Thought it was odd that several of the cooks asked me for tips on growing corn and catching fish so they could add new courses to their menu, not going to worry about it for now though..besides what’s the harm in sharing some tips & tricks — especially if it means more of that pie 8-)

3/5 Stars, may or may not recommend.

Alexander Young:
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this place so famous??? WHY?

I have an iron stomach, but every time I eat here I get sick. I initially get mentally sick off the taste/smell/consistency of the food and then later I get physically sick off the food itself.

Every time I go here, I ask myself, “Why did you forget that you hate this place AGAIN?”

If you must try this place, please at least refrain from getting a tuna melt. That’s just plain stupid!

Linda Coombs, Aquinnah Wampanoag:
I felt compelled to write a review, even after dining here many times. After seeing some of the other reviews, I think they are giving them a bad rap. If you visit an establishment one time and have a bad experience, don’t shoot down the business on one visit. Give them another chance and go again. Fortunately I have never had a bad experience either inside or with take out orders. Yes we all have our preference for food, so I just stick to the items I like. So far 5 stars for breakfast, the pulled pork sandwich, the turkey burger and the chili. Service has always been 5 stars. It’s a family place and I love the vibe of the noise. We live right across the street and I can tell you that yes parking can be a problem on Friday night, but come down our street (Rose) and park, police won’t bother you in the late afternoon/early evening, and lots of parking on Valley. We love it here, especially because it is an historical site and represents so many memories for so many people. We need more family friendly food places in this day and age of trendy hipster joints. Put down your veggie wrap and green tea and have a turkey burger and cranberry sauce milkshake once in awhile. Life is short. Also, could definitely take these guys in a fight.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Sarah Josepha Hale:
Forget Denny’s or IHOP! This place is awesome! Food is just as good if not better than those other places, but you mainly come here for the environment and nostalgia. And every Friday, they have car shows! Waitstaff seemed like mostly English-as-a-second-language speakers, but what they lacked in service skills they made up for in passion for their craft and work ethic. Could def take them in a war, though, if that sort of thing ever went down.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Chief Temecuah “Beverly” Massasoit:
Flashback! OMG! Too bad there are not more of these places like when I was a kid! I loved taking pictures with the ginormous statue outside the building wearing his red and white pants! Good times, good times!

So I went back as an adult and got the original combo because I know how it’s supposed to taste! And OMG! THE SAME. NOTHING has changed except the location! :-D That is probably a good thing because I’d be a regular fixture and they’d be paying me to stay away! I of course washed it all down with a Coke! I WAS SO NOT WATCHING MY WAISTLINE THIS NIGHT, maybe watching it expand! ;)

The sauce — which you can buy in some grocery stores — was SOOOO YUMMY DELICIOUS! I was such a piggy! I of course could NOT finish it all but I sure had fun trying!

I needed to be rolled out of there by the time I was done! I certainly couldn’t drive so I had to just sit and wait for some of my food to go down! YIKES! Can somebody say “GLUT ALERT!” LOL So shameful! But I certainly enjoyed myself!

But it was DELICIOUS and I WILL BE BACK! The wait staff was really nice and friendly. They always were! I remember when I was a kid I learned a big money lesson here one year around Christmastime, which I have NEVER FORGOTTEN! In fact I am REALLY GOOD with money NOW! Try to take advantage of me, cheat me, steal from me and it will be the last thing you do! LOL! ;)

I LOVE YOU! Don’t evaaaa leave me! ;)

Could def take them in battle tho, and their knowledge of growing corn and netting fish is like NOPE. lol. Looks like they’re gonna need us for a long, long time. 8-)

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Squanto:
Yawn, felt like a worse version of what I could’ve made for myself at home. Points for effort tho.

3/5 Stars, may or may not recommend.

Eleanor Billington:
just another place where me and my ride or die betches can GET TURNT UP (lol i’m looking at you Elizabeth Hopkins, Mary Brewster, and Susanna (White) Winslow :-* xoxo). The vibe can get WEIRD if you stay long enough to wear out your welcome, but me and ma gurlssz always know how to keep the party going ALL NIGHT LONG ;) did someone say SHOTS? YASSSS PLZ.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

In 2014, every single person in American is stuck somewhere along the never-ending loop of either being incredibly offensive, immeasurably outraged, undeservedly morally superior or insincerely contrite…or occasionally, all four at once (here’s looking at you, Roger Goodell).

Recognizing that I am currently offending several different people and people groups in a wide variety of ways — just by existing, let alone by my day-to-day actions — I have decided to take the only responsible course of action, and compose a formal apology for myself and my actions, to everyone.

Dear Everyone,

It has come to my attention that I have offended you with my recent [action, statement, viewpoint, or persona], and I am deeply and sincerely sorry. The aforementioned offense was the result of a brief lapse in judgment on my part and is not accurately reflective of the thoughts, beliefs, priorities or respect I have for you, both individually and the larger people group to which you also belong. The unfortunate incident was merely the result of residual mental clutter left ricocheting around my head from when I was a younger man— less educated and less aware of the deep hurt that my words/thoughts/deeds/existence could potentially cause people such as yourself. Furthermore, you have my assurance that I am taking all the necessary steps to correct this issue within myself and/or my organization, and that no corners will be cut nor shortcuts taken in my relentless pursuit to make amends for the injustice that I have inflicted.

…I acknowledge that in certain extreme cases, even further action may be needed to prove how specifically sorry I am to you and the high quality and well-respected sort of people that you represent, either directly or indirectly. In these extreme cases, please locate yourself and/or your organization/cause in the list below. You may select all apologies from me that apply to your particular situation

To my ex-girlfriends, I am sorry.

To my coworkers; past, present, and future; I am sorry.

To black people, I am sorry.

To astrophysicists, I am sorry.

To Mrs. Klebe’s First Grade Class at Anasazi Elementary, I am sorry (but to Mrs. Klebe herself, I am not sorry).

To The O.C. Supertones, I am sorry.

To Claire Peterson, I am sorry.

To the mid-90s Swing Music resurgence, I am sorry.

To the 2014 Michigan Wolverines, I am sorry.

To women, I am sorry.

To The Pepsi-Cola Corporation, I am sorry.

To the creative team behind SeaQuest DSV, I am sorry.

To Tim Couch, I am sorry.

To the internet, I am sorry.

To the pre- and post-LeBron-era Cleveland Cavaliers, I am sorry.

To NASA (and specifically to the Glenn Research Center in Cleveland, Ohio), I am sorry.

To the 1996 Cincinnati Bengals, I am sorry.

To Groucho Marx and Harpo Marx, I am sorry (but to Chico Marx, Zeppo Marx, and Karl Marx, I am not sorry).

To any and all of the women I swiped left on during the week-and-a-half that I was on Tinder, I am sorry.

To my friends, family, and loved ones, I am sorry.

To the Petco right off of Route 33, I am sorry.

To every tour group and visiting club that took a tour I led at Otterbein University from Fall 2002-Summer 2006, I am sorry.

To the Enjoy Theatre Production of “King Arthur’s Calamity,” I am sorry.

To Erin, whose last name I was never aware of, I’m sorry.

To print media, I am sorry.

And lastly, to David Hasselhoff, I am sorry I’m not sorry. (He knows what he did).

(This list to be updated with future specificity as needed)

Play on,
Dustin

v sorry

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.