Syria Explained

If you’re not confused about what is happening in Syria and why, then you are either not paying attention or are only paying attention to the propaganda being pushed out by one side.

It’s a fast-moving situation, but here’s a round up of things so far.

Syria is bad. It is backed by Russia, which is very bad indeed. Anything either of these countries do is bad. Please forget that Syrian President Bashir Al-Assad visited the UK in 2002 and was invited to meet the Queen. That was back when he wasn’t as bad as he is now.

The Syrian Government is very bad now. They have been at war with Jihadi rebels for around seven years. These Jihadis are bad. They threaten the West, so they are our enemies. But they oppose President Al-Assad of Syria, so they are on our side. Sometimes. But sometimes they are not.

Sometimes we bomb these Jihadis, sometimes we supply them with weapons. We bomb them because they are our enemies, but we supply them with weapons because they oppose Al-Assad. Al-Assad is bad.

The recent crisis happened because the Syrian Government was about to capture a Jihadi-held town, so naturally decided to launch a chemical weapon attack in order to annoy the USA who were threatening to stop bombing them. The Syrian Government likes being bombed, so they needed to do something to annoy the Americans.

It worked.

Theresa May did not want to miss out on another chance to bomb some Muslims, even if it did threaten to start World War 3. Theresa May hates Russia because they are bad. She hates them so much she did not bother asking Parliament to vote on whether the UK should join America in bombing Syria again. Prime Ministers are allowed to do this sort of thing if the UK is under direct threat. Obviously, Syria is a direct threat because they send so many bloody refugees over here. We hate foreigners, so we need to bomb them to stop them leaving their home to come here.

So the UK and USA carried out another large raid, aiming for chemical weapons plants which the OPCW says were not chemical weapons plants. These buildings were destroyed although this failed to result in the release of clouds of deadly chemical gases, thus proving that the sneaky Syrians had hidden their chemical weapons which the OPCW said they didn’t have.

During these pinpoint raids, the US and UK bombs accidentally blew up a block of residential flats. This will teach the Syrian Government and the Russians (who are very bad) not to threaten the UK by attacking their own citizens with chemical weapons and forcing them to flee to the UK as refugees. Refugees are bad because they come here and take away our jobs while claiming Benefits because they don’t have jobs. People who claim Benefits are bad.

Remember, chemical weapons are bad unless they are used to disperse crowds of protesters in America or are dropped on Vietnam. Bombs are good, unless they are aimed at us. Killing people with chemical weapons is bad, but blowing them up with bombs is good. People who don’t believe the UK and American Governments are bad and are lying to you. The UK and American Governments never lie to you. That would be bad, and they are the good guys.

The Russians, meanwhile, say there was no chemical attack and that this attack, which they say didn’t happen, was actually carried out by the Jihadis, helped by MI6. Or perhaps MI5. But it didn’t happen anyway, so that’s not important. Unless it did happen.

Don’t believe the Russians. They are bad. The chemical attack definitely took place because there was a video of children suffering from the effects of a gas attack. This video was shot by the White Helmets who are either a humanitarian rescue group or supporters of the Jihadis who make fake videos. Or perhaps both. Or neither.

Doctors in the hospital where the video was filmed say there was no gas attack but that the video was real. This is incontrovertible proof that the UK was right to bomb Syria to teach them not to use chemical weapons they don’t have.

I hope that’s sorted it all out for you. If you have any other questions, Tweet them to Donald Trump. He will explain everything in a series of seemingly rambling and unconnected Tweets.

This is so that his enemies can’t work out what he is going to do next. Trump’s enemies are Syria, Russia, North Korea, the FBI, the CIA, the US media apart from Fox news, lawyers, porn stars, snowflakes, Mexicans, the Scottish Government, and any number of shithole countries.

Rab Bruce's Spider is a collaborative blog site where individuals who support Scottish Independence can express their views. If you would like to contribute, please email your suggested article to ga.author@sky.com.