Cameron liberates children from forced education

David Cameron has joined in the celebration of the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Dickens, who is often credited with planting the seeds of social reform, by announcing the return of child labour to the UK. The ‘Little Society’ initiative will see academies turning part of the curriculum over to ‘work-style’ activities.

‘Since the Elementary Education Act of 1880 , a child’s right to work has been consistently eroded,’ Cameron said. ‘Young people are being forced to exist on the meagere pocket money handed out by their stingy parents, unable to break out of the cycle of parent-inflicted poverty. Besides, poor people’s children don’t really like school anyway.’

Young people will be able to gain practical skills like rubbish sorting, sweeping and, of course, chimney cleaning, while being paid in mobile phone credits, Quavers and Red Bull.

‘In one fell swoop, the thugs, mentals and ADHD twitch-arses have been removed. Fuckin’ A!’ a teachers’ spokesman said. ‘Now all we have to do is farm off the few sensitive twattish middle-class moppets remaining and we’re all on easy street.’