Pent Up Pain and Emotions Block My Ability To Feel Happy

29Nov11

We went to our therapist and discussed my issues of not feeling happy when I could see things changing around me. It seems that I am normal and that is a normal reaction. Knowing I am normal does not help the confusion or guilt or expectations that I place on myself.

Supposedly there is only 1 road for emotions to come out of. If we close that road to pain, hurt and rejection than we also close the road to happiness, joy and peace. If we want to feel our feelings we have to feel all of them and not pick and choose the feelings we want.

Supposedly we have to heal the pain that has been buried before we can feel the happiness of a moment.

I have buried a lot of pain. I have whole graveyards full of pain, rejection, abandonment and fear. Being the Queen of Control I learned to push away anything that interfered with what I needed to accomplish or just to get through the day. To remain married to a sex addict, required that I bury a lot of issues.

One of the issues came out in our session with the therapist. We talked about one moment in time that was very deeply personal and painful to both of us. I behaved extremely badly. I actually hit my husband that moment. It was my rock bottom. It was shaming, humiliating and unbelievable to me that I could sink that low, take the worst of everyone that I knew and bring it all together in one shining example of total dysfunction.

What I learned in that moment of our sharing was that we both carried pain, we both suffered and we both wished things could and would be different.

The last few days since our therapy appointment have been filled with our usual dance of me over sharing (desperately needing to be heard and keeping everything silent for so many years that once I hear a How Are You? I translate that into telling every deep dark emotion like a purging) and my husband who does not have the skills polished and ready to deal with that level of intimacy and emotion – ran away. Me chasing him with my bleeding heart of emotion and him running away in terror of depth of emotion are a lethal combination of pain creation.

We realize that while we want to heal our relationship and we want to be there for each other and we want to be healthy, whole human beings – we aren’t there yet. Our desire is not enough to give us the skills to do or say the right things. Our current level of recovery has gotten us to this point but we are not healed enough healthy, emotional discussions. We are still walking time bombs ready to set each other off filled with dysfunctional coping strategies.

I told my husband today that I was tired of hurting. He told me that he was tired of hurting me.

Mysa,
I’m very glad to hear that you were able to share with your therapist and at least identify what was happening inside of you, even if as you say: “knowing I am normal does not help the confusion or guilt or expectations that I place on myself.” What I notice about your posts, the discussions I’ve had with others healing from SA, as well as my own experiences, is that this road is long and winding; full of ups and downs. But what I also see in your posts is the fact that you are still going, still trying, and still working. That takes lots of courage and strength. I can totally relate to what you are saying about “stuffing” hurtful emotions and realizing how that also blocks our happy and joyous emotions. My partner went through a tremendous amount of loss and grief very early in his life. He blocked so many painful experiences that he literally numbed himself to ALL emotions. He is just now dealing with a lot a hurt and pain from his childhood, and as he faces those experiences, his emotions are slowly beginning to show up again. Just give yourself time. You are not alone! http://apathtohealing.wordpress.com