green eat orange

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I'm just copying some files onto a usb stick, waiting for the transfer before I dash off to leave work and make a beeline for the baffroom.

I talked to a therapist and she advised me to keep writing, because there is obviously something comforting to me in the act of writing itself. Re-purposing my writing away from communicating with Suzanne and instead venting about the 'break up' will be therapeutic, or so I was told. So yeah... Oh look, file transfer is done!

Improv class tomorrow night. I only slept 4 hours last night so tonight's gonna be an easy sleep :D

Habits are hard to break. I used to write to Suzanne all the time. Like a War and Peace worth of words over the last couple of years.

We quit writing to each other more or less cold turkey, though our output had definitely started to fall.

Here's a fact. I think she actually called me (not texts) maybe 10 times over those two years, and I think I am being generous.

Why? You ask. Why would you stay with her? To you I say: You had to be there. A connection is a connection, even if it comes with more baggage than the Darjeeling Limited.

I love this girl, yes I do. Yes, the one who for all intents and purposes dumped me with such a seemingly cool demeanor that I later assumed she was in a suicidal state. I was wrong. Later I learned that 'after a couple of weeks of self pity and too much chocolate she was moving on' (paraphrase, I will never use real quotes or dates or names or details to keep this nice and generic)... Really?

She couldn't be there for me, and by be there for me I mean go out and meet some of my friends, or go away for a weekend, or go out shopping...

She limited our relationship so much.... and then acted like I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. I wasn't, true, but that's cause she wasn't even admitting that any bargain had ever been struck. One day I will tell the story of the heart tatoos.

Arrrghhhhh

Anyway, she has my number. I am moving on though, got a couple of birds in my net if you catch the drift, I just know that if anything starts to happen I will again be buried in thoughts of Suzanne....

Freedom, please. Or babies with me.I keep wishing I had punctured a couple condoms, which is SICK. Cause that baby would be born into a shit-storm of poopy proportions.

<3 <3

She is so good at compartmentalizing, it is actually bad for her. I myself need to not worry about her though, as she left me. I need to move on.

Serious about these other girls though, some interesting folks, and both really pretty... and blonde!!!

(let the record show I have a history of dating brunettes almost exclusively)

Monday, June 27, 2011

Like realistically, is there anything I could do to make it happen with Suzanne? No.

If she reached out to me, I think there would be room for reconciliation. I know that a few moments in her presence, under those conditions, and I would be smitten again.

Fact is I really think it is unhealthy to be waiting.

ALSO:

I have had women show interest in me recently, I am not at all interested lol.. I don't have the heart.I did relaunch my OkCupid! account almost right away. It is a safe way to feel like a man again. Women almost never contact you, but the system on OkCupid is always chugging away - suggesting matches.

Let me say this before I continue. I was very unhappy for 3/4 of the time I was involved with Suzanne these last 2 years. Why I think it could be different is inexplicable to me, but undeniable...

SHE WAS GOING TO KNIT ME A SCARF BUT I'M 99% SURE SHE GAVE IT TO HER EX, ALL WHILE PROMISING ME A FUTURE!

That's the kind of expression that these feelings bring forth.Like, head in hands, staring at the floor, whispering 'Holy Shit' to myself.

HOWEVER

This all fell apart umm.. well, it ended with an email, about 2 months ago.

Anyway, what I want to remind myself is that today is easier than 2 months ago.

Yet right now I am dying to contact her. I would like her to come back to me, or to step on my heart with a stiletto while spitting in my eye. Hahaha, I'm looking at these emails and she's talking about moving on... sigh...

All I want to do is to be with her. yet while I was with here I was nothing... she wouldn't see me on Valentine's day, and she knows I am a cheeseball who loves valentines...

our last contact was actually only a month and a half ago...

I recorded a song for her which I never sent. I feel like that will be my last word on the matter.

We made promises, I tried my best to keep them. I do not know any more what she was doing.

You learn, in time, that even if someone is kinda telling you how they feel - you will find a way to only hear what you need to. But she would not, in fact even as we parted ways I could not get a straight answer about things....

LOVE!! Fuckin Love.

I used to write to her all the time, I'd say nice things. You know what it's like saying nice things into a vacuum?

God, when she told me it was over... I lost my mind. I could not focus a single thought, I was swimming in half sentences, things she had said to me. I had been waiting for he promised arrival, when she arrived she was not ready to be in a relationship.

I cannot make sense of the world right now. I'm in this weird limbo, that at this point, I feel is my responsibility alone. I have brought myself to this place, out of love, out of fear... loneliness.

First of all, what the fuck happened to me over the last years?

You ever feel like you have no idea how life is to be lived, what it's purpose is, where you fit in relation to the rest of the world around you? That's how I feel now. It's odd, it is not feeling suicidal, not at all. That would take too much energy hahaha. No, seriously, I don't want to cause worry. I have no urge to off myself, energy or not. I just kinda feel like if I didn't have the few strong connections to other people in this world - I might just want to disappear. To walk off into the woods or something.

Writing that I realize this is just a 'feeling' that has little to do with reality. Walking off into the woods would leave me energized probably - and hungry :D

Still, as I walk through the days - far enough from those woods - it feels like I could just vanish.

I was at a wedding recently, and had no one to dance with so I left. It was perfect, all.. literally ALL of my friends were with their wives or girlfriends, so when the dj said: " go get someone to dance with " I took the opportunity to slip into the night and back home.

Last 2 years I had a girlfriend. I did, though there is little evidence to back me up. I was in, for lack of a better term, a long-distance relationship. Let's call her Suzanne.