Sign-up for a premium-rate telephone number through which you make money from every call.

Take a loan at the bank.

Do not pay back.

Collection agencies start calling non-stop.

* * *

TMake a full-body selfie.

Eat greedily for a year.

Take a full-body selfie again.

Swap before and after.

Post.

Collect the likes.

Give diet advice.

* * *

A cafe patron ordered a pastry, then changed his mind and replaced it with a cup of coffee. When he finished his coffee, he started leaving without paying. The waiter approached him:
—You didn’t pay for coffee!
—But I had it instead of the pastry.
—You didn’t pay for the pastry either!
—But I didn’t have the pastry.

* * *

At a farmers market stand there is a sign: 1 melon—3 dollars, 3 melons—10 dollars. A client requests one melon and pays 3 dollars, then repeats the procedure two more times. Then he says: “I bought three melons for 9 dollars, while you are trying to sell them for 10 dollars. This is really stupid.” The farmer talks to himself: This happens all the time: they buy three melons instead of one, and try to teach me how to make money.

* * *

If the government listens in on my phone conversations, should they be paying half of my phone bill?

* * *

To get to free downloads, please, enter your credit card number.

* * *

The biggest lie of the century, “I have read and agree to the terms of …”

* * * (submitted by Sam Steingold)

Ignorance: If your poker opponent got lucky cards four times in a row, he must get lousy cards now.
Knowledge: Nope, the deals are independent; prior observations have no bearing on the next deal.
Wisdom: The opponent is cheating; get away from the table now!

I’ve been collecting math jokes for many years. I thought I’ve seen them all. No. Inventive people continue to create them. I was recently sent a link to a math joke website that features many jokes that are new to me. Here are my favorites:

* * *

With massive loss of generality, let $n=5$.

* * *

How do you prove a cotheorem? Using rollaries.

* * *

$0\to A\to B \to C \to 0$. Exactly.

* * *

Let $\varepsilon\to 0$. There goes the neighborhood!

* * *

Take a positive integer $N$. No, wait, $N$ is too big; take a positive integer $k$.

* * *

Calculus has its limits.

* * *

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

* * *

There’s a marked difference between a ruler and a straightedge.

* * *

Suppose there is no empty set. Then consider the set of all empty sets.

* * *

Q: Why is it an insult to call someone “abelian”?
A: It means they only have a 1-dimensional character, and are self-centered.

* * *

Q: What’s a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

* * *

A logician rides an elevator. The door opens and someone asks:
—”Are you going up or down?”
—”Yes.”

Twelve different world statisticians studied Russian roulette. Ten of them proved that it is perfectly safe. The other two scientists were unfortunately not able to join the final discussion.

* * *

A statistician bought a new tool that finds correlations between different fields in databases. Hoping for new discoveries he ran his new tool on his large database and found highly correlated events. These are his discoveries:

The most correlated fields were the title and the gender. If the title is Mr., then the gender is male.

The children have the same last names as parents.

The children are much younger than the parents.

The main cause of divorces is weddings.

* * *

Scientists discovered that the main cause of living ’till old age is an error on the birth certificate.

* * *

Scientists concluded that children do not really use the Internet. This is proven by the fact that the percentage of people saying ‘No’ when asked ‘Are you over 18?’ is close to zero.

* * *

— Please, close the window, it is cold outside.
— Do you think it will get warmer, after I close it?

It is time to report on my weight loss progress. Unfortunately, the report is very boring; I am still stuck at the same weight: 225. What can I do? Let’s laugh about it. Here are some jokes on the subject.

* * *

After the holidays I stepped on my scale. After an hour I tried again and had a revelation: tears weigh nothing!

* * *

I am on a miracle diet: I eat everything and hope for a miracle.

* * *

Ideas to lose weight: A glass of water three days before your meal.

* * *

I wanted to lose five pounds by this summer, now I have only ten pounds to lose to reach my goal.

Life is not fair, even among gadgets: the desktop misbehaves, the monitor gets smacked.

* * *

An amazing magic trick! Think of a number, add 5 to it, then subtract 5. The result is the number you thought of!

* * *

—How can you distinguish a mathematician from a physicist?
—Ask for an antonym for the word parallel.
—And?
—A mathematician will answer perpendicular, and a physicist serial.

* * *

—How can you distinguish a physicist from a mathematician?
—Ask the person to walk around a post.
—And?
—A physicist will ask why, and a mathematician clockwise or counter-clockwise?

* * *

—Some bike thief managed to open my combination lock. How could they possibly guess that the combo was the year of the canonization of Saint Dominic by Pope Gregory IX at Rieti, Italy?
—What year was that?
—1234.

* * *

—Hello? Is this the anonymous FBI tip-line?
—Yes, Mr. Benson.

* * *

—My five-year-old son knows the first 20 digits of Pi.
—Wow!
— I use it as the password on my laptop, where I keep all the games.