Pages

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

That was beneath you.

I don't have a job that keeps me staying late at work. No out-of-town conferences. No sexy co-workers putting their hand on my toned shoulder, laughing and turning in slow-motion.

I've been with my wife for so long, I wouldn't even recognize any ex that could show up on a rainy evening, with a broken high heel, scraped knee and a bottle of wine. Not that I have a lot of them any way. [Seriously, I might have more buttholes than legit ex-girlfriends.]

I don't own any sleeveless shirts. And I wouldn't ever cut wood on a hot day, never would wipe my brow with the aforementioned sleeveless t-shirt, revealing the rock-hard abs that I don't have.

The lady next door is pretty old, and if I was ever caught sleeping with her, jealous is the last thing my wife would feel. I'd lean more toward nervous. Or nauseous.
My point? If things ever go south between me and my wife, she has nothing at all to be jealous about. The only place I ever go is...uh...here. The only person I talk to late at night?

Is you.

When I saw the preview for Unforgettable earlier this year, I knew I was going to absolutely Redbox the shit out of it. I knew I would happily pay my two dollars and twelve cents (uh, gotta go with the blu ray, right?), and knew that I would unequivocally love hating it. But what I didn't know, and totally should have, was that my wife would fall asleep before the f--king thing even started.

*dramatic pause*

That. Bitch.
Actually, I'm not really mad at my wife, as she busted her ass yesterday and deserved the early snooze. No my fire and fury is solely reserved for everyone involved in this smoldering garbage can. See, I wanted a glorious dumpster fire to roast delicious f--king s'mores on using only my bad-movie boner as a skewer. But instead, what I got? A lame flick and a limp dick. Here's why...

Julia (Rosario Dawson, hot as ever) has met some dreamy guy and is headed by car in some direction (West, one could only assume) to spend the rest of her life with him. She loses her luggage on the way, but get this, not her baggage. Oh, f--k me. Anyway, it turns out that said dreamy guy is David, owner/operator of a successful brewery, Crazy Slut Ale House. Okay, that's not the name - you got me. Anyhow, detective, David's got a scarily hot ex-wife Tessa (Katherine Heigl, still with a great set of personalities), who, shocking no one, ain't all that stoked to be replaced. But instead of stepping aside like a regular person, Tessa cranks the crazy up to eleven...million... and makes Julia's life a living Hell by always walking around topless and unnecessarily washing really dirty cars.

Okay, that also didn't happen.

Horse: [whispering to himself] So if I break my leg...

But what does happen, is more or less f--king ridiculous, just not to the degree one (lonely pervert) would have hoped. Oh, sure, there's a point where Tessa is so turned on by her mischievous antics, she takes out a quarter of a (massive) titty, and perhaps diddles herself under the desk, all whilst instant messaging a previously disregarded psychopath, but even that ain't enough to make this one worth the watch.

Well. At least not alone.

This still lets you know exactly what kind of party this is.Director: CUT! Ladies! I said 'life-or-death struggle' not 'synchronized queefing'.

Maybe you and all your sexy friends can spread out on your new KNISLINGE and laugh your asses off at the absurd twists in Katherine Heigl's face, but this old shit-slinger needed a little more, you know? I like a good Lifetime movie as much as the next 'guy', but even one featuring both a soft plot and firm breasts couldn't really hold my interest. Oh, of course I finished it, but you know me, that ain't exactly high praise. I mean, every time I shit my pants I usually finish that, too.

But what is likely never to be finished, are the Yays and Boos. I took a shit-ton of notes during this one, which is either extremely noble or extremely pathetic. But unless you want a post that's just a list of synonyms for breasts, you're gonna have to trust the process. Sad as it may be.

That's mom on the right.Spoiler Alert: She's f--king terrible.

Yaaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaaaay!

Holy shit, that lady cop from the beginning was so obviously a man, I think I'm in love.

As I said, Julia's luggage is tied to the roof of her car, and it opens up and blows all over the damn road. And she either doesn't notice or give a f--k. It's AMAZING. And foreshadows how we should feel about everything that happens after that, too.

Heigl, from the very first frame she's in, is just the worst. And it's incredible!

You know those scary sounds that rich people hear in the middle of the night, that draw them into their massive kitchens? Here it's a f--king hamster, right? Phew. JUST KIDDING! IT'S A VISION OF A PSYCHO STALKER! Behind the hamster.

I love how sexy ladies have to jog away their worries.

So, obviously, David's a boob-man, am I right?Huh? Huh? *crickets*

Tessa vigorously rides some random dude in the front seat of her car, hastily covering his face with her hand the whole time. She's fully-clothed, of course, but it's so unnatural and not sexy, it's unintentional comedic gold. What's even better, she tells him to get the f--k out so harshly, one could only assume it's so she didn't give in to the urge to eat his skull.

Bath time! While we've all seen Ms. Dawson in much more compromising (and freshly shorn) positions (uh, Trance anyone? [review]), I'll go ahead and take what I can get. Even if it's only some (admittedly glorious) sideboob.

Why is Tessa always furiously polishing her silver? Oh, right. Because she's both rich and crazy. Clearly there's no other way show that.

Tessa says this: It wasn't really an affair. It was nothing. We only did it...twice. Repeated sex outside of one's marriage? Totally not an affair.

Julia gets so jealous, she basically violates David in a public bathroom. I'm not sure I want someone super angry essentially devouring my wiener in a jealous rage. I'm also not sure I don't.

Tessa cuts her young daughter's hair off in a jolt of madness. Her reason, as she angrily tells Julia? I couldn't keep up with your knots. Sick burn, Tess.

Someone in this movie is going to intentionally throw themselves down the stairs. And someone watching this movie, is going to accidentally piss their pants laughing.

I need a GIF of Heigl furiously combing her hair. No, check that. We all do.

This film is home to the most devastating strike from a fire-poker thing ever. Fine, the competition may not have been that stiff, but trust me. It's f--king epic....ly absurd.

And finally, even if everybody involved seemed like a f--k they could give, they set this f--ker up for a sequel. Honestly. Not only do I applaud the balls it takes to end a flick that's an obvious burning corpse full of dogshit with a nod that there quite possibly could be another one coming, but I'm damn near giddy that I live in a world where it just might happen. I mean, sequels always are worse than the original, right? I'm sorry...I gotta change my pants. Well, I would. But I took them off hours ago.

Fine. This isn't from Unforgettable. But if it was, the title might be more fitting, ya know?

Booooooo...

...ooooooo!

It would have been more subtle if everyone was wearing chalkboards like Anthony Hopkins in Legends of the Fall that explained their motivations, rather than the actual expository dialogue we're bombarded with.

Tessa demands that her daughter's bedtime is 7:30. What? My kids are just getting going to bed then! I mean, who else is gonna watch Fallon with me?

Man, the polo uniform look gave me quite the funny feeling in my lap region...till it was revealed that Tessa actually rides horses and such. Then it was just a mallet smash to the dick.

Dude, their daughter is the worst. Like, not only is she the biggest cock-block ever, but she's just so damn whiny all the time. We get it. Your parents hate each other. Cool story. Everyone's do. At least you have a pony.

Julia is very worried about her expired restraining order. How do I know this? Because we get to hear her think those exact words.

I made a chart for those moments when one character almost walks into a room, stops, places their back against a wall, and then secretly listens to what the people in the room are saying. The Boo? It only happens once. The f--k is this?

Am I the only one who ever wonders how the f--k were they ever together in the first place? I mean, these exes never even present themselves as remotely likable, but we're supposed to believe that this nice guy used to love her? I reject this.

Tessa doesn't swallow. Anything.

Not that I should judge anyone's attempt at writing words with genuine human emotion, uh, ever, but I swear all dialogue in this script was co-written by Siri and Alexa.

There are a couple of flashbacks in this film. But when Tessa tells Julia that her and David used to f--k like rabbits in a new position every single day? The timeline is uninterrupted.

Speaking of, despite the fact that I was eating pistachios by the handful during this one, not enough nuts were busted. Steamy thriller, this ain't.

A quirky friend comes to visit and doesn't get killed. Uh, have we no respect for the rules?

I already mentioned it, but the big climactic fight is so bad. Really. No ripped clothes. No vag-punch, no hair-pulling. Girls, what the Hell is going on around here? I was hoping Wonder Woman would swoop in and annihilate these bitches but no such luck.

And finally, the ultimate finishing move at the end is 900% ridiculous. I know samurais used to do that shit when they disgraced themselves, but I'm pretty f--king sure Tessa was no samurai. The only thing she stoically cut in half was my potential boner.

My wife and I managed to see an actual movie tonight (like, in the theater/all the way through). We even came home and watched an episode of Jessica Jones afterward. It was amazing, really.

How could we do this, you may (not at all) be wondering? We dropped the kids off at my mom's earlier for a sleepover. But before the night could progress any further...she fell asleep. Again. And you know what I did as soon as I saw her nodding off? Yep. You guessed it.

I love a good/terrible psycho ex movie, so I'm looking forward to seeing this. Let me rephrase that. I was really looking forward to it until you said "that also didn't happen." Now I'm only sorta looking forward to it.

1. Yeah this seems like less of an insult to steamy thriller genre than Deception. Jackman fucks once in that and he is fully clothed while the woman is reluctant. Not sure which is more offensive.2. Have u seen that Idris Elbs/Beyonce film? Crazy stalker plot too its so funny3. I need to see this. I do watch trash every once in a while and there seems to be a lot to choose from lately4. Buy pig's blood? You get it, you dont buy it

1. I may just have to check out Deception, as I too am not sure what's more offensive. I'm leaning toward the reluctant woman on many fronts.2. Damn it! I thought you were talking about No Good Deeds, which I've seen (and you left an epic comment on), but you're talking about Obsessed. I think I gotta check that one out asap. Maybe a double feature?3. No. Please no.4. Ah, right. I should have known. *tires screech*

1. Oh do. It's so ridiculous. But I don't think Hugh has ever had more fun on screen, maybe in Eddie the Eagle but I think he had more fun in Deception than playing Wolverine in any of the films. Probably because he could eat during the shoot.2. Ah yeah the severed head comment. Obsessed is hysterical I almost wanna do a double feature of it and this one. I might, I just finished the old Annabelle spin off and it sucked so may as well go for triple shit today.

1. F----------------KKKKKKKKKKKKKK. It's getting to that point in the year where I want to quit and runaway (I'm going back to school), but I will desperately try to see this one. If HJ's having a good time, I know I will. 2. Triple shit indeed. My goodness. I'm not even sure I could handle that trio of films. But I'd love to try....

Yeah, I heard about those cat commercials, just wow, but you gotta work, right? I mean, an actor has to act... no matter where and for what. Not sure kitty litter qualifies but I think she needs the money to support her family, so good for her.

I have now arrived at a point in my life where I don't spend time on stupid movies - I'm very proud of myself. It might change in the future but not this year or the next. I'll leave all the bad movies to you, and read your reviews until then.

You do gotta work. And I ain't even remotely mad at her for being in those commercials. If you need the money, make it. No problem here. I'm just shocked she can't get work in decent stuff.

Here's my problem: I don't know what to say about great movies. I mean, they're great. What the Hell is a moron like me supposed to add to that discussion? I'd feel even worse trying to praise something that smart people have already praised, likely 900x more eloquently than I could.

But bad stuff? Shit. Let's crack some jokes and have a good time, you know? That I can do.