Trump Era Mirrors Abusive Family, May Trigger Childhood Trauma

Living in this newly minted Trump era is terrifying for many people. It is terrifying for those who value democracy, transparency, and truth. It is terrifying for those who experienced or whose ancestors experienced an oppressive regime. And it’s terrifying for those who grew up in an abusive family, sometimes triggering memories of childhood trauma.

10 Parallels Between Trump Rule and the Abusive Family

Gaslighting. By now you have likely heard the term gaslighting, perhaps several times. Gaslighting makes another person feel crazy, and adult children of abusive parents are often all-too familiar with it. Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway are masters at gaslighting. It happens every time they deny what in many cases is patently obvious and when they disparage any who object as being hysterical or ridiculous, or when Kellyanne tells us we shouldn’t pay attention to Trump’s words or actions but trust what is in Daddy Donald’s magnanimous heart.

Humiliation and Verbal Abuse. Donald Trump feels perfectly free to humiliate anyone who is not doing as he wants. Hearing this may bring back memories of some of this same name-calling: stupid, loser, lyin’, weak. Defending yourself brings more attack. There is cruelty here, ruthlessness. The abuser doesn’t care (or worse, takes satisfaction) in your hurt.

Volatility. What we see in Trump’s behavior is déjà vu for those with parents with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When will he (or she) blow up? When others (especially others with power over you) are volatile, you never feel safe. This supports constant hypervigilance, which drains and strains your system.

Authoritarian Control.My way or the highway. Standard fare again for insecure petty tyrants who too often parent children. Authoritarianism is an abuse of power, kept in place by threats. Threats of deportation or being fired or similar to the fear children face when parents threaten to take them to the orphanage or otherwise abandon them if they are not compliant.

Forced Loyalty. Trump’s rallying cry of “America First” is very much like the rule in dysfunctional families where your first (and pretty much only) loyalty must be to family. Trump’s framing of Acting Attorney General Yates’ disagreement with his travel ban as “betrayal” is classic. (Of course he could have had her vet it first.) The attitude is “If you’re not with us (i.e. compliant), you’re against us.”

Gag orders. Trump has tried to prohibit thousands of workers in federal agencies from saying anything he doesn’t like, cutting off critical topics like climate change. This is parallel the rule in families with alcoholic parents (as with various forms of mental illness) of “Don’t Tell.” Don’t let the outside world know anything outside our carefully crafted image. Especially don’t share secrets.

Extreme Narcissism. Donald Trump has become a model to the whole world for what a narcissist looks like. For those who grew up with a narcissist, the grandiosity and self-obsession is totally familiar.

Chaos, no stable routines or secure foundation. The infighting and instability in Trump’s inner circle (along with a larger shake-up in government) once again mirrors an unstable home where parents fight, you don’t know when one will leave, and there is little stabilizing routine. There is no bedtime or family dinner. You can tweet any time you like.

Invasive and predatory behavior. In dysfunctional families, a parent may read a child’s diary or listen in on their phone calls. Trump walking into dressings rooms at his beauty pageants mirrors the predatory parent walking in on children or not allowing them to close the bathroom door. At some point, predatory looming crosses the line into sexual assault. From reports of the dozen women brazen enough to come forward, Donald Trump has crossed that line. Sexual assault leaves lifelong fault lines, as any victim of childhood sexual abuse too well knows.

Incompetence. Abusive parents, tragically, do not have the skills or psychological health to carry out the critical job of parenting. Usually, they have had no good models and haven’t a clue what is really involved. Trump is similarly unqualified. He is like a bull in a china shop, thrashing around, irritated, erratic, clearly out of his league.

It’s a wild time for us all. The old order is being turned upside down. Sometimes that needs to happen for something new to be born. I’ve been heartened by the level of engagement and creativity that is arising during this time of need. Will government continue this authoritarian trend or become less rigid and more responsive to the needs of its citizens?

Tips for Survivors of Childhood Abuse

This larger situation creates an interesting nexus for those who grew up in the kind of families described here. Although I’ve heard one such survivor find it validating to hear this public outcry around these familiar behaviors, others can be weighed down from this second dose of what was so harmful and disempowering. To this end, I offer some suggestions:

Empower yourself. As a child there was little you could do. The only sense of safety may have come from lying low and staying invisible. Now, you can join with the millions of people who are saying, “This is not ok.” Taking action politically has never been easier.

Identify resources. As a child there was nowhere to go for help. Now there are resources. Especially if you fear being deported, identify all possible sources of help.

Look for what is different in the current situation than in your childhood. The feelings are the same, there are many of the same dangers, but you must also recognize what is different in order to break any sense of paralysis. For example, now you may have a partner, a phone, the ability to remove yourself periodically, opportunities to use your voice.

Seek support of people who “get it.” I’m referring to both people who understand the larger dangers and people who understand what growing up in an abusive family is like. You are not alone.

Be caring and attentive to the child parts of you. Listen to feelings, soothe yourself (by healthy means), let your inner child parts know that you are with them and will do everything you can to protect them.

This is a time that requires a lot of self-care for everyone but especially for any who are having traumatic memories come up. Sometimes that same energy is activated but without specific memories and we don’t fully understand our reactions. We are looking through our trauma rather than at our trauma. Looking through our trauma is being influenced by something in the past and distorts how we view the moment. Often this leads to fear, mistrust, and the kind of scapegoating that we see coming out of the White House.

I expect some will be offended by this post. If you want to be on the blog mailing list, but do not want politically oriented blogs as I have seemed to be writing this past year, you can manage which categories you receive.

Otherwise, thanks for reading and please share. Subscribe to blog list if you’d like to receive more. If this piece sparks something in you, share your thoughts below. I may not be able to respond to every one, but I know some people enjoy comments. Please keep in mind the volatile atmosphere we’re in.

A very important article! I had an abusive ex like this and his behavior triggers the same feelings as she did. I have to tune out of all news, social media etc in order to stay happy right now. I may join the fight but for now, being stable and avoiding the triggering is my everyday goal.

Jasmin, this was such a good article. So helpful to see it all down there, written in one place. I’ve shared it with friends. Please keep writing. Your voice is needed. Yes, going back to staying centered…over and over. I’ve found my social activist again, and she has lots of energy. I’m appreciating community in a new way.

This seems such a wise and insightful post, thank you. I hope it helps many people, it has helped me already and I have forwarded to a friend in NY.
These are such volatile times, requiring us to learn and grow so much and so quickly.

Thanks, Jasmin. This has been one of the most helpful posts I’ve read since the election. It is immensely empowering to see the specific threats and traumas named and branded for what they are: abuse. Truth, spoken openly, is the only antidote to this kind of injury. It does no good to pretend otherwise. I am both heartened and strengthened by the simple reading of this. It reminds me that I am not my trauma, and my past is not my future.
Thanks again, in so many ways.

Thanks for your kind words, Dianne. I will expand on your comment, if I may. I am not my trauma to the extent that I acknowledge it. To the extent to which I am blind to it, I am shackled. A trauma expert I know sees in Trump the unhealed trauma that creates bullies.

I’m trying very much to maintain my equilibrium as he reminds me of the 5-year-prolonged-traumatic experience I had with a religious superior who had major NPD (and was eventually ex-communicated but never brought to trial as people backed down.). As my former community was cut off from society and I was very naive, I succumbed to emotional- and mind-control. I did try to escape once, however, it wasn’t until I almost commited suicide that I finally was able to leave. It’s a very long story, but I hadn’t realized how much was unhealed in me when this man came along and took office. I never thought I’d come across anyone as horrendous as my former superior. I was wrong.

I’m hoping to be able to make it through however long this man is in office, but the world around me continues to become more hostile, and well, I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’m not going to harm myself, but I pray every night to not wake up the next morning. In the meantime, I try my best to work through the trauma from the past that I hadn’t realized had such a strong hold on me.

I’m sorry it is so awful for you. All I can do is encourage you to find support (therapy would be great)and keep your eye not so much on this administration (which could leave you feeling helpless) but on the resistance movement that is unprecedented. Become part of it, if you can.

I do have good support (at least I think I do) and it’s posts like yours that I bring into my sessions for even deeper healing. So, thank you so much for writing them.

OMGoodness, I’m doing my best to not focus on this administration. I have had to inform family and friends who voted for this administration that I am not willing to discuss anything to do with it. This decision came about after several attempts by some of them to persuade me to their way of thinking. After it was implied (well, more than implied), that I was “mentally ill” for not voting for this current admiinistration, I had to put my foot down.

I also started reading your book on trauma last night. I never really gave much thought to how important it is to let loved ones know what you need and don’t need whilst on the healing journey. I suppose I became so used to being the one to be what people needed me to be. So, it’s really awkward asking for what I need. Often, it’s really just respect and sometimes silence and space.

The Resistance Movement is great. I’m part of it in my own small way when I can be.

Wow, Jasmin, that is spot on! It’s quite validating and clarifying to have you lay this out so clearly. I think we can use this as an opportunity to heal from these sort of childhoods, as you mention, and clarity and validation and community are keys for that. Having grown up as an only child with Narcisistic and alcoholic parents, I notice strong feelings about the truth being exposed, versus the propagandist spin. It comes down to getting away with lying. This is a good reminder to be sensitive to myself about these triggers. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and the depth of your analysis! I’m posting this on my FB Trump Trauma support group.

Thanks, Julisa. And your support group is a great idea! I encourage those in the Boulder area to check it out. And for those elsewhere, consider what kinds of support groups you can create. Julisa is right about community being a corrective for childhood abuse you withstood alone.

Jasmin, thank you. I am both a trauma therapist as well as a survivor of childhood abuse, torture and a very cruel (at times) authoritarian and scary father. Trump has brought so much to the surface for so many of my clients, and for me and it is exhausting, truthfully! But becoming more politically active, writing, doing art, taking part in rallies, getting loads of positive support and feeling today that “I have a voice and my voice is heard” makes a real difference. But my poor body has taken a beating, going in and out of Freeze States. Whew! I’m glad for all of my knowledge and somatic skills, and that I have such an amazing life nowadays but this is very real stuff and triggers are triggers. Our world and country are in massive change, as you said, and sometimes big hard things happen so good changes can come about.

I am so appreciative of this very clear, succinct article about it all. I plan to share with many of my friends and clients. By the way, I have loved your books and recommend them frequently- so well written and so accessible. Best to you and take care!

Glad you are leaning into this so much. Yes, there is opportunity for healing, for community, for new resources in these very hard times. But it is like a crash course, exhausting. Thanks for sharing. Best to you, Jasmin

Thank you, Jasmin. This is a time that calls for speaking up and speaking out, and we therapists must be part of that.
I see many clients who are triggered in the ways you described. Your wise descriptions of how this is affecting people are right on, as are your suggestions. I am going to distribute this post to any and all.

I particularly appreciate the acknowledgement of the clear and sad pathology behind the current administration’s actions. If we vilify people as monsters or use disparaging language for them, we de-humanize them in a way that is not helpful to the overall picture or to finding solutions. We wouldn’t do that to clients, so we shouldn’t do it to those in power, difficult and scary though the situation is.

Well done, Jasmin. It just amazes me at how some people are so blinded by Mr. Trump. I would be very interested in your analysis of Melania Trump and what you have “observed.” I know there has been much said in the media as to how unhappy she seems. As a former spouse of an NPD man, I can just imagine what she is going through.

Thank you Jasmin, for making sense of it all. It’s very comforting to hear a sensible voice in the midst of all of this nonsense. I needed you as a child! I lived in a “trump” Family.
Thank you for all of your thoughtful newsletters and for being such a bright light.❤

From Election Night, when I had a meltdown (and I thought I was doing so well!) till now, I have not been able to express fully what having this man ‘in charge’ has meant to me. This article explains it so well. Now I understand why I felt the way I did.
The good from this is it has caused me to do a lot of work, spiritually and with my therapist, and I do feel better now. There’s a part of me still that swears I won’t be all better till it’s all over and that man is gone off somewhere in ignominy, but really I am growing around all my negative feelings and learning from them.
Thank you so much for your realistic words.