THE THING TO REMEMBER BEFORE THIS LIST:

Dear Democrats,

There’s a popular cliché in politics: “Democrats fall in love, Republicans fall in line”. Basically, Republicans will rally behind whatever candidate the political establishment picks while Democrats will still splinter and pick their favorites, splitting the vote and screwing up elections in something called the ‘spoiler effect’.

So here’s the thing: every candidate is garbage.

Yes, including your favorite candidate.

You need to get over this sooner than later, because otherwise we’re going to end up with a repeat of 2016 where some Dems vote for Clinton, some Dems vote for Jill Stein, and some Dems just stay home entirely. It fractured the progressive vote, and what would have been a clean win for Clinton instead split and handed the win to (easily) the worst President in American history.

Look, I think the two party system is bullshit. I 100%, absolutely do. I would prefer a ranked voting system where the most popular candidate all around wins, but that’s not what we’ve got. In the worlds of the awful Donald Rumsfeld, “You go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have.” We’ve currently got a two party system, so you have to work within the confines of the two party system until we don’t. Work to change it — please, I’m begging you. But quit holding up candidates to this impossible standard that makes it difficult for everyone to get onto the same page and instead delivers a victory to the lesser preferred candidate.

The goal of this isn’t to tear down your favorite candidate. It’s to remind you that every single candidate has their own issues, and waiting for the perfect ‘savior of the party’ is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Republicans have won the popular vote in only four of the last eleven elections. That means they’re not the preferred party in America. So please accept that your Democrat hero is kinda shitty, and realize that when rubber hits the road, you need to get behind whoever ends up running on the ballot, period. It’s too important in order to shut out another future Trump.

Work to fix the system, but go to war with the army you’ve got today.

OUR HOPEFUL Contenders

… and the dumbest photo I can find of them

JOE BIDEN

Pros:

Reminds me how much I miss Barack Obama, and I’m like a junior high school girl who can’t get over her crush

Strong history of being connected to the working class and understanding the needs of working-class Americans

Knowledgable, and has served in an Executive position in the government

Cons:

Like Obama, pretty cozy to Wall Street and open to deregulation of business [+]

Voted ‘yes’ in '1996 to gut TANF and inner-city families on government aid [+]

Actively searched for Wall Street backers before announcing a Presidential run [+]

KAMALA HARRIS

Pros:

Confident and experienced in the legal system

Strong presence in recent administration hearings

Seen as an ‘Obama successor’ by progressive groups

Cons:

Opposed legalization of marijuana in 2010, reversed course once the issue hit the national stage years later

Sketchy record of actually being a progressive prosecutor, including opposing police body cams, ignoring faulty evidence in conviction cases, opposing the death penalty but still seeking it as a prosecutor, and some ambiguities within her office as to the nature and legality of prison labor [+]

Richard Ojeda

This guy unironically voted for Trump as a protest vote so I’m not even going to give him a Pro section. [+]

Bernie Sanders

Pros:

The People’s Champion, literally the most well-liked figure in among the Democratic party hovering around a steady 70% approval rating without trying at all

The most liberal of all liberals

Cons:

Dude, Bernie is old as shit

Not really a Democrat, so he’s kinda a wildcard; if not nominated, will 100% split the vote should he continue to run

Elizabeth Warren

Pros:

Is literally Lisa Simpson IRL

All about financial regulation

Supports almost all of the most liberal parts of liberal causes

Cons:

The DNA test thing is, like, Top 5 political blunders of the last few years. You thought you were going to beat Donald Trump and his supporters with facts and logic? No, Poindexter, they don’t respect facts, and even if you came back 101% Native American, they still would have found a reason to shit on you for it. She’s never going to shake that appearance in a good chunk of the eyes of the population.

Andrew Yang

Pros:

Supports a universal basic income

Cons:

Literally has no idea how to implement a universal basic income in an aggressively capitalistic country

Wanted to copy the Chinese social credit system, which was literally an episode of Black Mirror [+]