Transitioning from a Regular Life to one with an Invisible Illness

Tag Archives: hope

Welcome 2014!! We’re all planning how the next year will be better and how we will try and improve upon ourselves, but what lessons have we learned from the past year.

I heard this quote for the first time about 10 years ago, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” and never has there been a truer saying, yet we continually do the same thing over and over again (at least I do) and hope that the outcome will be different. Does that mean I’m insane (lol), I hope not.

For example:

I continually go back to the same doctors, even after they tell me there’s nothing more they can do for me and that I just need to deal and adjust

I continue friendships with people that I know are selfish and sometimes hurtful in their actions towards me

I keep taking the same medicines and supplements, even though I feel no real improvement with my symptoms

So what can I change in this new year to try and make a real difference in my life?

I can and will seek out new doctors, who are encouraging and offer new treatment options

I can and will stop listening to all the doctors that just prescribe endless medicines without any real promise of help and that have possible negative long term side effects

I can and will make more educated decisions regarding my health and well being, as the doctors know less about my day to day struggles than I do

I can and will spend less time with those people in my life that just suck the energy and life out of me

I can and will spend more time with those people that energize me and lift my spirits

I can and will spend more time doing the things that I really enjoy doing and save my limited energy for these activities

I can and will seek out new creative activities that fill my heart with happiness

So as my journey in 2014 begins, I hope that this year will bring a return to wellness and that on January 1, 2015 I can look back on today and realize that it was the day I began to break old patterns and take more control of my life.

For the first time since 1888, Thanksgiving and Hanukkah will occur on the same date. Hanukkah starts on the same day every year on the Hebrew calendar, but since the months of Hebrew calendar only have 29 or 30 days, the Jewish year has about 11 days less than the 365 day Gregorian calendar. To try and sync things up, an extra “leap month” is added 7 times, every 19 years.

Some believe this won’t happen again for another 100 years. others believe the 2 will converge again in 79,000 years and others believe the two holidays will never occur together again.

Either way, this won’t happen again in my lifetime, so tomorrow is a double joyous event for my family and myself. Although, when you’re suffering with a chronic illness, no holiday is particularly joyous. Holidays, since I’ve been ill, are extremely stressful, worrisome and tiring. I am trying to put a positive light on getting together tomorrow with friends and family, but I am having a particularly bad day, as I didn’t sleep much last night and I am worried that I won’t be up to celebrating tomorrow.

I have carefully planned out this week, so that I’ve had no doctors appointments. I rested all day Monday, went out yesterday for an hour to do a few errands and am in all day today and again on Friday, yet I am not sure I will be up to participating in the holiday.

For healthy people, the holiday is a one day event, for us chronic sufferers, it’s a week of careful planning and resting. Nobody gets what we have to go through to be able to enjoy a few hours of celebrating.

Before I was ill, holidays were always enjoyable. I have a small family and we all get along very well, so it was never uncomfortable duing a holiday. I never dreaded being with family as so many people do because of personality problems.

Now holidays are really just an inconvenience for me and it is so hard to enjoy them, but I am going to really try. I have done everything I possible can to help myself: spaced in rest days; have all medications on hand so I don’t need to run to the pharmacy; have a food delivery coming to my house so I don’t have to go to supermarket; have communicated with my family my limits and that I may need to leave the table to rest; have made sure there are healthy choices at the dinner table.

The rest is up to the Universe.

I am beginning to realize that even when you are in a situation that makes you unhappy, it is easy to think that you have nothing to be thankful for. But sometimes, it’s the exact time to practice an “attitude of gratitude”. Thanksgiving is a day to reflect on all we have to be thankful for, but we have to think like that every single day of the year.

I’m so happy today. My very good friend surprised me with this and I am ecstatic. I can’t believe I was given this as a present. I’ve wanted one for a while and because of limited finances, have held off. This is such a generous gift and this friends generosity over the years has moved me to tears.

Maybe now blogging will be easier and I’ll be able to post more.

I’m still learning how to use it fully, but I haven’t learned anything in a while and this is a welcome distraction from my normal chores.

21 is a unique number, it has special meaning for a variety of reasons: to mathematicians, it’s a number made up of 2 prime numbers; to our armed forces, it’s an honor when you receive a 21 gun salute; to the black jack players, it’s a moneymaker and to our everyday folks, it’s the number of days needed to establish a new pattern in your life.

I had heard many years ago, from a good friend of mine, that 21 is a magical number if you want to change a particular pattern of behaviour, such as sticking to a diet or trying to stop smoking. At that time I did some research and found a self-help book written in the 60’s by Dr. Maxwell Maltz.

Dr. Maltz reported that it took 21 days for amputees to stop feeling phantom limb pain and from that research, came the Maltz Principle. His research made him conclude that if someone consciously performs a new behaviour for just 15 minutes a day for 21 days, that individual could create a new long lasting habit. His theory revolves around concentrating on forming a new habit and before focusing on the results that this new habit could bring you (losing weight, bulking up at the gym, stopping smoking).

While I do believe that changing behaviours and establishing new habits can take some people years, we probably do create new comfort levels in a shorter period of time, which make performing new activities, or stopping old activities, alittle easier, even though it still may be with conscious everyday reminders, like alarms or notes on a calendar. Dr. Maltz said, “To change a habit make a conscious decision, then act on that behaviour.”

I have been participating in the 21 days of Gratitude program and when I started it, I was curious as to why 21 days and not 14 days or any other random number. I remembered what I read about forming new habits in 21 days. I wonder if this has to do with the length of the program. I am noticing that I don’t need a reminder on my calendar anymore or click through the daily email reminder the Mentor Channel sends out. We are on day 19 and I consciously go to the website to listen to the daily affirmation. It has become a part of my regular routine and once the program is ended, I will continue to practice gratitude and meditate for at least 15 minutes a day.

Dr. Maltz wrote several self help books and another theory of his has to do with how an individual can improve their self image, which could lead to a more fulfilling life. Many of us that are struggling with chronic illnesses are often down on ourselves and have a low self image because of the lifestyle we are forced to lead. Dr. Maltz believed that if a person did not have an accurate and positive view of themselves, all of their goals and efforts will end in failure. I believe this is true as I have learned the hard way over the past few years. He believed that an accurate self image, helps us set goals that we can successfully accomplish.

At the beginning of my illness, I forced myself to do things that ended in failure, either as a result of me doing the task poorly or incorrectly or having my body crash and force me to bed for days. This pattern of behaviour made me feel worthless and useless and this pattern continued for a while, until I started to accept my illness and live within my current limits.

Changing my image of myself to a positive nature, came with my understanding when to stop a task, so that I can complete it correctly and feel good about what I accomplished.

My Fibro is in a big flare and I have really been unable to function much these last few days. My brain fog is off the charts and the pain is high too, but my spirits haven’t been to bad and I’m attributing that to the promise I made to myself to practice “Gratitude”.

Every night, as I lay down and try to go to sleep, instead of counting sheep, I list the things I am grateful for. Why not make a list of things that can make you happy as you try to drift into dreamland? I have been falling asleep better and it also takes my mind off the things that are bothering me.

So, as I ride out this lastest flare, I am doing so with a peacefulness and calmness, that I haven’t experienced in a while. Maybe there is something to be said for GRATITUDE after all.

This past weekend, I had another Reiki session and it once again was an extremely peaceful and reflective experience. I wish I could bottle the feeling I have during the session. I have tried to recreate it through meditation and bringing my memory back to the room and the space where the Reiki session occurred. I have a candle with the same scent that is lit during my treatment and I use it at home when I am trying to mediate. It has worked once or twice, but unfortunately not every time.

This past session ended a little differently than my previous one. The healer (Ms. N) asked me to pick a card from a mediatation card deck and the card I picked is the one pictured above. I picked the INTENTION card.

I have been reading articles and books about spiritual journeys, listening to Gratitude tapes and also doing meditation and all of these things mention Intentio.

My Intentions create my experiences. What do you intend to happen? It is very important to make sure that my thoughts and feelings reflect my true Intentions.

According to Ms. N, by choosing the Intention Card, I am being asked to take an inventory of my expectations of what I expect to happen today, tomorrow and in the future. My expectations are the seeds of my intentions and my intentions become my goals for the future.

Recently I had read that Intention is the starting point of every spiritual path. It is the force that fulfills all of our needs, whether for money, relationships, spiritual awakening, or love. Intention generates all the activities in the universe, the ones we can see and even the ones we can’t see. My destiny is shaped by my deepest level of intention and desire. Once my intentions are planted, my journey unfolds.

I find it interesting that since I am really just beginning my spiritual journey, I picked this card.

Right before my Reiki session, I had listened to the daily audio from the 21 Days of Gratitude Program. I kept repeating during the Reiki treatment, “Trust the Universe, it will Protect you” and also I just kept repeating the things in my life I am grateful for. Without even mentioning this to Ms. N, she asked me about my thoughts during the treatment and said she felt a deeper connection with my thoughts than in previous sessions. She was drawn to my head during this session, where as in previous ones, she concentrated on my legs and mid section.

What does all of this mean? I don’t know. This is all new for me.

During my past few mediation sessions, I have been repeating the following words “San Kalpa”, which meanMy intentions have infinite power.

I have been imagining that the universe is a deep ocean and that my intentions emerge from my heart, which is an extremely important place for intentions to emerge from. These intentions ripple into the ocean, where they are fulfilled with ease. Then I silently repeat to myself, “San Kalpa.”

For every intention in our lives, whether it be for healing physical pain, emotional heartache, ending a troubled relationship, beginning a new relationship or wishing for a new opportunity, we must picture the outcome we desire and the repeat the words “San Kalpa”.

Just like many other bloggers have posted during this past week, I too have been participating in the 21 Days of Gratitude program from the Mentors Channel.

Yesterday they spoke about setting goals and then just letting go and trusting the Universe. I really want to try and practice this act of gratitude and try to set attainable goals and just trust that they will occur.

How come so many healthy individuals don’t realize how grateful they should be? Why is it that when we become ill, we start counting our blessings? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? We have lost so much since we became ill, yet we are expected to be grateful for what we STILL have, while people that are healthy, working, generating income and putting money away for retirement don’t get that they have it all.

It got me wondering if the “healthy” segment of our population, is more unhappy than the ones dealing with a chronic and debilitaing illness.

We see studies all the time telling us how depressed and unhappy people are, when seemingly they have it all. Why is this? Why are the most prescribed pills nowadays anti depressants and anti anxiety pills? Why do people want to numb themselves to make it through life when really they just don’t understand how much they have? What will make them happy, I definitely don’t have the answers to these questions.

All I can think about is what will make me happy. Well, we all know what the number one thing would be on my list: TO FEEL GOOD and be RESTORED to HEALTH. People have trouble trusting each other, so taking a leap of faith and trusting the Universe is a big challenge.

How do I start to surrender to the great unknown? As a first step, I will start thinking about abundance and not deficit. I will think about what I want to attract into my life and not think about what I don’t want in my life.

I will start repeating to myself, everything is going to work out in the end, which involves a huge amount of trust and surending of control. It’s just as easy to believe that things will work out on a positive note, than on a negative one. There’s no reason to think otherwise. I have to believe there’s a higher purpose behind the difficult and seemingly endless period I am currently going through.

Letting go will be extremely difficult for me, as I have the overwhelming need to control so much in my current life. I think this is the way to make me feel as well as possible, in any given situation, but maybe it’s not. I do realize that “controling the outcome of each situation in my daily life” does cause me a lot of anxiety and turmoil.

As a promise to myself, I will start having faith in the power of the Universe. Why should I doubt the Universe more than a stranger I happen to meet. When I meet someone new in my life, I give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that they are true and good, unless they prove me wrong. I will give the mighty Universe that same benefit of the doubt.

To quote a line from a movie I recently viewed and enjoyed, “Everything will be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, then it’s not yet the end.”