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Broken Crayons Still Color

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Through learning to be mindful and all of that jazz I have recognized one more thing about myself that I have never been cognizant of . I've probably been doing it for quite a long time, maybe even years, without having any idea. This thing, this (bad) habit of mine that I am speaking of is believing I have to prove myself to everyone. Prove that I know what I am talking about, prove that I am a good person, prove that I know I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing, prove my feelings. Pretty much defend and back up my every thought and action. I wish that I could just do things, say things, learn things, and know things without having to put it all out there so that people might believe in me. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is constantly trying to convince people (especially idiots) that what you're feelings is real, no matter if they understand it or not? Let me tell you, it's depleting. I can't just feel or be or do without the follow up explanation. I d…

Two hours ago I was almost asleep. Something woke me up and now here I am. Fighting the anxiety that is keeping me awake. I attempted my usual go to of getting my headphones and turning on my Jesus Music. After tossing and turning for an hour I got up and moved to the couch. I wasn't able to get comfortable there and my anxiety was only getting worse, so I went to the last resort, I made a floor bed. I gathered pillows and blankets and crawled underneath my newest anti anxiety tool. A weighted blanket. I have been wanting one for quite some time but they are so spendy that I just couldn't bring myself to spend the money. I had a guilty conscience about wanting to buy something so expensive when I already spend a lot of money going to therapy, buying coloring books, headphones that drown out the sound, the right clothes that help me maintain a steady body heat, and so many other little things that add up. A couple of weeks ago something told me to check eBay and I found one tha…

I've been trying to sort things out in a way I could make sense of them in a blog post. I was briefly texting back and fort with a friend recently and told him that I felt like I needed to write, as it had been awhile. I jokingly asked if he had a request of a topic. He responded with "Write about something you would consider a success of yours lately, something that made you happy." What a concept! I've been trying to think of something, ANYTHING, positive to post about for awhile now. Doing so has made me painfully more aware of how much easier it is to focus on the negative than the positive. I think I was so focused on believing that being happy or feeling successful had to relate to something concrete. Like a big accomplishment at work, or achieving a goal. Because I have been trying really hard to be fully present and in the moment when I am feeling happy or excited about something I was also having trouble pointing to something that has "made me happy&quo…

I am in a perpetual state of fight or flight. I am always going straight to negative self talk. I cry in my car and yell out loud to myself "What is wrong with me?!" I believe I am not good enough for anyone or any anything. I am a continual work in progress. I know that, but I can't always believe that. When I'm in a high state of anxiety I forget that I am doing extremely hard work. I discount all of the work I have done. I tell myself I'm not doing everything I should be doing. There is more I need to do, better ways to deal, cope, I need to be thriving instead of just surviving.

I blame myself. All of the time. For everything. I blame myself for things you say to me. I blame myself for failing out of college. I think it's my fault people have walked out of my life. I search for a reason to blame myself for all of the pain, both physical and emotional, that have been afflicted on me. I take the blame for people's misunderstandings of me. I internalize…

For anyone who follows me on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat you are likely well aware of my recent vacation. I went to the beach! I SAW THE OCEAN FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I FELL IN LOVE!!! If you haven't watched the video of me seeing said ocean for the first time, you should go check it out. I had no idea Matthew was recording me so it is a 100% genuinely real response to my reaction. It's pure joy!

I was trying to think of how to relate this blog post to my anxiety but I decided against it. Instead I want to take this time to say that our vacation was EXACTLY what I needed. I was as carefree and worry free as I've been in months, if not a year or more. I only had one or two major spikes in anxiety and I was able to self regulate. I had no schedule, or routine, or agenda. I was able to go with the flow, plan my day after I slept in and ate breakfast, and actually agree to last minute ideas. Not a very common theme for me. We met up with one of my best friends, her boyfri…

My morning did not start as planned today. My car sounded like a rocket ship, my 10am work appointment canceled, and my work phone was ringing before 8:30 with a "crisis." So, once I got my work stuff situated and my car was fixed I brought myself to one of my favorite cafes in Austin to sit on the patio and work.

I ordered my 4th cup of coffee of the day along with a water. Next I dug a bottle from my purse and took two pills out. One of them I bit in half and put the other half back before swallowing one and a half pills. This was my inspiration for my post.

I am very ashamed of the fact that I have to take medication for my mood/anxiety. Let me take you through my journey of drugs. When I was 18-19 I was on a cocktail of medications. Mood stabilizer, anti psychotic, anxiety, sleep...I took something for everything. I probably didn't take them as regularly as I should've. I didn't know how to understand if they were working or not. But I took them and I went t…

There's a part of me and my life that I keep pretty quiet, especially around people I don't know. And that is my strong belief in God and everything else that entails.

Last night I was in a conversation with some people, whom I have only known for about 3 months or so. The topic somehow got to spirituality and religion. Everyone knows you don't talk about politics and religion, which I kind of think is bullshit and the reason why everyone is always angry at each other. Lack of interest in other people's beliefs or opinions along with not having the desire to listen openly is causing a lot of tension between people in this world. I shared with these people my (very different compared to theirs) belief. I shared that I was raised Catholic, going to church weekly, having my First Communion in the second grade and confirmation in high school. I briefly mentioned some church retreats and youth rallies I have attended. I didn't tell them how much I enjoyed those events b…