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Sunday, July 15, 2012

Attention Disney Princesses

I have desperately tried avoiding your contact with my daughter but, alas, you are everywhere I turn these days. In order for Harper not to be labeled that "weird, sheltered child" at school in a few years, I'm afraid your introduction into her life is inevitable and nearing closer. However, before we embark on our relationship and allow you into Harper's life, I'd like to make a few editing suggestions to each of your tales.

- Snow White, I don't know that your cohabitating with seven men at one time sends the right message to my child. Could it be possible that your seven dwarves are your neighbors in an apartment complex instead? If you insist that those boys live in a house together, shouldn't we just go ahead and list a few Greek letters over the doorway of their abode? I'm pretty sure that you stumbled across a frat house and you were, most definitely, shacking up. Perhaps you need to add a walk-of-shame clip in there to discourage young girls from shacking at the SAE House in their college years.

- Ariel, could we discuss a tankini? Your bikini top is awfully revealing. What kind of message do you think your sending? This is not South Padre Spring Break. Have a little decency.

And can we just call a spade a spade and discuss your hoarding tendencies?
"Look at this stuff.
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collections complete?"Um, yes and stop while you are ahead or you be featured on a TLC show and they'll find cat feces and a Thanksgiving turkey under your pile of hoosits and whatsits galore.

- Cinderella, can I just call you Cindy? Thanks. Let's think about adding a public service announcement at the end of your movie regarding bullying. Those step sisters weren't doing you any favors and if you aren't careful, they're going to post that picture of you in your bra and panties from the last sleepover on Facebook. Two words - mean girls. We could even do it After School Special style and have the step sisters appear arm and arm with you. I'm thinking something like "Bullying hurts everyone involved. Don't be a bully."

And let me just quickly talk wardrobe. Glass slippers? Really? With Harper's coordination skills at this particular time, I'm seeing shattered glass and bloody feet in our future. How about a cute croc or even a custom made pair of Toms?

- Belle, well done girlfriend. I'm liking your message but what if the Beast just stays a Beast and doesn't turn into a handsome prince? We can't all end up with someone rich and gorgeous so let's just stick with rich. Perhaps you were going for a Can't Buy Me Love makeover feel but let's be honest, laser hair removal can only do so much. And don't forget that geek is sheik these days - you'll be very in-the-now with this update and you can thank me later.

- Aurora, or should I call you Sleeping Beauty? First off, the three fairies give you the gift of beauty and song as two of their gifts, the third being the deep sleep as opposed to death. Come on fairies! Can't we do a little better than preparing her to be the next American Idol? What about a huge IQ and the ability to solve the economic crisis? Those sound a little more useful than the gift of song. I mean seriously, with YouTube, there's way too much competition and her shot of being the next Lady Gaga is slim to none. Let's shoot for an Ivy League education instead. Much more realistic for her future planning. We don't need another young waitress trying to make it big in Hollywood, do we?

And a sixteen year old that just happens to take a really long nap? Let's get a little more clever. She just sounds lazy to me.

- Rapunzel, don't even get me started with your long, flowing locks. Not everyone can be blessed with hair so until the Squirrel sprouts some strands, you are not welcome in my house.

- Mulan, you're golden. Keep up the good work sister.

- Jasmine, you too could use some help in the wardrobe department...or lack there of. That is all.

- Tiana, I don't even know how to begin to follow your plot. I thought you had me convinced as a young entrepreneur but you totally lost me and your story is way too complicated.

- And lastly Pocahontas, I'd like to incorporate the use of sunscreen into your story. Haven't you heard about global warming and the damage that over exposure to UVA and UVB rays can have on your skin? At the rate your going, you'll end up looking like leather boots for John Smith by the time your thirty. Just dab on a little 50+ every now and again throughout the movie and you're good to go.

Thank you for your time and attention on these matters. I hope we can come to terms but please know that if you begin appearing in my house on clothing, accessories, plates and cups or any other unnecessary form, you will be asked to leave promptly.