The Pleasures and Pains of Coffee

"As soon as coffee is in your stomach, there is a general commotion. Ideas begin to move ... similes arise, the paper is covered. Coffee is your ally and writing ceases to be a struggle."- Honore de Balzac (1799-1859)

Never alone.

I have to warn you that posts here in Drafts and Brews are sometimes dark, mostly hopeful, always personal. I merely write what is within, sharing my experiences of emotions that are universal to all of us, in an effort to better understand myself and why I am here.

I hope that voicing out my struggles can, at the very least, help you realize that ours is a collective story - you are never alone, and you can always reach out to others who have also lived your story. You can be in touch with me on Twitter.

Falling. Bakit nga ba tinawag na ‘falling’ in love? Bakit ‘fall’? Hindi ba puwede’ng ‘choose’? I agree with Jessica Zafra when she wrote about the connotation of falling in love as an accident wherein you don’t have any choice in the matter. While most people tend to think of love this way, I am inclined to think differently. It’s because from experience, I have learned and am still learning that love is indeed a choice.

Ponder on this. Everything starts from attraction. We are actually attracted to a lot of people. It is actually the beginning of friendships. Bakit mo nga naman kasi gugustuhing makilala ang isang tao, di ba, kung hindi ka attracted sa kanya? He or she has to have something that commands your attention, be it physically or otherwise. But as you get to know someone better, at some crucial points, you also decide kung gusto mo pa ba kilalanin ang isang tao or hindi na; kung worth keeping ba siya as a friend, or okay lang na dumaan lang siya sa buhay mo, or kung gusto mo pa nang mas malalim na connection. You decide on these things, either consciously or not. When you have made up your mind, you set out to do things according to your decision. Nariya’ng magyayaya ka ng date na kayo lang, or ipapakilala mo pa siya sa iba mo’ng friends; gagawa ka ng paraan para mas marami kayo’ng bonding moments together... You also decide kung ano lang ang gusto mo’ng ibigay sa isang tao. May mga tao’ng wala namang hinihingi sa atin and yet, we are inspired to give them so much… Love? Ano sa tingin mo?

Singlehood. Do any of you have an idea how it feels to have so much love to give but with no one to give it to? To have no one to share your intimate self with, no one to hear your ramblings about life, from the most profound to the most blah… It feels so very lonely, and at times, so very pathetic; you won’t be able to help but feel pity on your state of singlehood. Ang hirap especially for someone like me who is very intense, and who can’t care any less kung sobra na ba (walang ‘sobra’ sa kusang ibinibigay) yung binibigay ko or what, as long as it makes the one I love happy… Minsan naiisip ko tuloy, ano ba’ng pinagkaiba ko sa mga namamalimos sa kalye? Parehas lang kami’ng mga pulubi kung tutuusin…

Oo, ma-drama talaga! Nakaka-iyak nga eh…

Miss Independent. Actually masarap maging single. You have the freedom to do as you please. Wala kang pagpapa-alamanan kung may lakad ka man or kung sino kasama mo (except for your parents, of course), Wala’ng masyado’ng gastos, wala’ng pagseselosan, wala’ng babantayan… Sarap ng buhay. But what about the richness of experience that could be had from intimately sharing your life with someone? Sadly, wala rin yun. Yes, you can grow on your own, but it is so much more wonderful to share experiences, to be able to create memories with somebody special. By ‘special’, it doesn’t mean na kasi naiintindihan ka niya lagi or lagi niya binibigay yung gusto mo; na pareho kayo ng pananaw sa buhay kaya napapasaya ka niya. It is hard to explain but I guess, what I mean is embodied in this message that someone texted me once: “Anybody can make you feel happy by doing something special , but only someone special can make you feel happy without doing anything.” Masaya ka simply because, that someone is there to share the experience with you… Hehe… labo pa rin ‘no?

Yes, masarap maging single and independent. It means you are strong enough to face challenges on your own. But ask any seemingly strong and independent person na single kung hindi ba sila naghahanap ng makakatulong… Chances are, the answer is a resounding “YES, of course!”… Yun lang, baka may “But…” na kasunod…

It is great to be independent but nakakapagod din yun. It is a blessing to have found strength and to have become a strong person over the years, but hindi lahat ng oras, kaya mo maging ganun. For my part, I have grown up as someone na sanay na gumagawa ng sariling decisions. Lumaki ako’ng leader of sorts- responsible, decisive, frank and quite outspoken, willful, persistent and insistent din… But always dumarating talaga sa point na I really wish there is someone who could be my hero… Hindi yung ako na lang lagi. Much as it gives me great happiness to be of service to other people, exhaustive din yung pinagkukuhanan mo ng lakas para magawa yung ganoong mga bagay… My personal strength notwithstanding, I wish to be weak too… to have someone to depend on na hindi ako iiwan kahit ano mangyari… Minsan kasi, isang simpleng ngiti at yakap lang ang kailangan mo para makapag-recharge, mahirap pa’ng hanapin… Tragic, di ba?

There is this part of me that wants to be dominated too… Hindi naman kasi lahat ng oras, tama ako. At such times, I want to be corrected. Siyempre, for someone to be able to do that, he has to be authoritative. He has to be someone I can respect… And ayoko yung ako lang nang ako ang nagde-desisyon. How will I be able to learn anything new kung ako na lang nang ako? If ever, sobrang limited lang ng mae-experience ko nun.

Standards. Ideal guy? Is there such a person? Di ba sabi nila, when you love, the only rules that matter is what your heart tells you – what you feel. Kaya nga sabi, when it comes to love, “…hahamakin ang lahat, masunod lamang.”

Of course, he should be someone I respect… Kung puwede nga, someone I could look up to. Hindi naman na ‘look up’ na nasa pedestal or something… just someone who is self-made, who is his own person – may sariling dreams, principles, achievements. He should be someone na may healthy sense of self. I believe kasi dun sa sinulat minsan ni Erich Fromm of the paradox of love: that there should be very two before there could be very one….

I also pray to finally come home to someone na magiging bestfriend ko in every way. It will be a meeting of hearts, minds and (although di ko alam kung paano nila nasasabi, but there are people who write about these things…) souls. Sige na nga, ideal na kung ideal, but wala namang masama kung mag-expect ako ng maganda, di ba. I deserve it.

SOMEBODY (Depeche Mode)I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate detailsSomeone who’ll stand at my side and give me supportAnd in return, he’ll get my supportHe will listen to me when I want to speak about the world we live in, and life in generalThough my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedHe’ll hear me out and won’t easily be converted to my way of thinkingIn fact, he’ll often disagree, but at the end of it all, he will understand meI want somebody who cares for me passionately,with every thought and with every breathSomeone who’ll help me see things in a different lightAll the things I detest, I will almost likeI don’t want to be tied to anyone’s stringsI’m carefully trying to steer clear of those thingsBut when I’m asleep, I want somebodyWho will put his arms around me and kiss me tenderlyThough things like these make me sickIn a case like this, I’ll get away with it

Never been kissed. Why write about this in so public a venue? Wala lang. Eh sa blogsite ko ‘to, so I’ll write what I will. Besides, magbi-birthday na rin kasi ako eh…Writing about my life has always been my way of examining it, trying to see it from a somewhat impersonal perspective as I read about it. It’s my way of charting my life - kung nasaan na ba ako ngayon, ano na yung mga nangyari sa buhay ko, who have been the people who had been closest to me lately and kung ano ba’ng naging role nila sa buhay ko, gaano ba sila naging kahalaga sa akin, what have been the changes in my life, sino na ba ako sa kasalukuyan, ano na ba yung mga pangarap ko… It works for me eh.

I am at a point in my life na dapat ko na’ng i-consider if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone. Ang problema nga, wala’ng someone. Wala pa. Ang tagal eh, baka mamaya wala naman pala ako dapat hintayin, eh di kasalanan ko pa. Like everyone else, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. Life is so very beautiful, and to be able to share it with someone who’ll grow and learn with you, discover it with you, that is one such amazing blessing! Yun lang, mahirap talaga makahanap ng ganun. I am hopeful though. I believe in miracles, hehe… Kaya nga miyembro ako ng “No Boyfriend Since Birth” (NBSB) na society eh. I dare not play games nor consider being with someone na basta gusto lang ako kasi, when I give, I give my best. The same is true when I love, kahit tanong nyo pa sa friends ko…

HOME. I refer to being finally found as ‘coming home’…. I guess another of my eccentricities as an idealist. What I mean by this is finding true belonging; of an understanding and of peace beyond silence… Mahirap talaga i-explain although I have written about it more than once….

I never thought it possible to love someone without knowing him yet, but to a certain extent, that seems to be what I am feeling.

I don’t know if I am ready to finally meet you and have my homecoming but I am yearning for it… There is nothing more I could ever want than to finally come home to where I rightfully belong…

HOMESICK
25.09.2003

I miss you
Whoever you are
A ghost, a memory, a vision
Whatever...
And I don’t why
I just do.

I have also grown to yearn for you
Wishing you’d come a day sooner than tomorrow
And be my hero.

I have waited for you
I don’t know for how long
Never noticed when it really began
The moment just came, and I knew then,
That in my heart, I already knew the ‘one’

I have stood naked before the world
You’re the only one born to truly see
There is no question of who I am to you
I am your ‘precious’, and shall ever be.

Could you come away for a moment from the distant future,
And hold me now, close to your loving warmth?
You know me beyond silence,
So take me beyond peace,
To where your love brilliantly shines beyond doubt.