What to do when your kids say mean things

Last summer my (then) two-year-old daughter told me she wanted to push me down the stairs. It was 3am and she was in agonies of grief and bewilderment at the loss of her beloved dummy. It had been whisked away by the dummy fairy following a conversation with my father-in-law, a retired dentist, who pulled no punches about what it was doing to her teeth.

I was shocked, not so much by the ferocity of her threat – she was beside herself with rage – but by how specific it was, and how targeted at me it was. I have no doubt that had she had the power to do it, I would have been toast. What was going on? Parenting coach Judy Reith, of Parenting People, explains:

"Children will always do things that surprise us. Some are delightful – taking their first steps and so on – and some, such as calling us names or threatening us, are not. When they say something shocking it's very hurtful, no matter how hard you try to de-personalise it."

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Hurt and dismay are only inflamed by the nagging sense that there is something 'wrong' with your child, or that you have failed completely as a parent (before they've even started reception, no less). But child psychologist Dr Rachel Andrew says,

"This kind of behaviour taps into our most primal fears as parents. We're conditioned by a culture which likes to focus to the extreme or even fantastical end of the scale – we're terrified our child will be deemed worthy of an extreme behaviour documentary. In fact, this is very common behaviour, especially towards the primary caregiver because that is the bond they are most sure of and feel most able to 'test'. It's very hard when you're in the thick of it, but try to understand what is provoking your child's behaviour and see things from their point of view. It might help to remember that when children feel helpless, they will resort to extremes in a bid to help them feel 'safe' but have limited language skills to allow them to do so. The words themselves, or the context in which your pre-schooler uses them may sound sophisticated but they don't yet have the mental capacity to put an adult spin on it."

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Although uber-tantrums normally test my patience severely, on this occasion I simply felt sorry for my daughter and wracked with guilt that I'd allowed her to develop such a dummy dependency. Like so many well-meaning parents, I'd sworn she'd only have it at night for the first six months, as per all the then-approved safe sleep advice. It wasn't her fault it was still firmly in place two years later. Here's what the experts say for dealing with it like a pro...

Remind yourself they don't really mean it

Judy Reith explains,

"Generally, children are often playing out words they've heard elsewhere and experimenting without fully understanding the impact of what they're saying. It could be a particular expression from a sibling, nursery or TV programme. The important thing to do is to separate the behaviour from the child and label the former rather than the latter: 'That's a rude thing to say' rather than: 'You're so rude.' If they are really furious all you can do is stay close by so they don't hurt themselves or anyone else and wait it out – there's no point trying to diffuse it at that point."

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Address it straight away

Tantrums aside, hurtful behaviour is, experts agree, something that needs addressing while children are young, lest we end up with teens who are unable to manage and control their emotions because they've never been taught how. As psychiatrist Dr Robin Berman puts it in her book 'Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to Raise Your Kid With Love and Limits', we must:

"Teach our kids responsibility for their words and actions. Back in the day, 'I hate you' would've prompted parents to wash our mouths out with soap but today's parents, wanting to value self-expression, value any gem their kid spews. Or, wanting to avoid conflict, they let it slide. Either way, it's sends the message that whatever comes out of your mouth is OK by me."

Deal with their emotions

The key to managing their behaviour (and yours, if you're reeling), says Dr Berman, is to address the authentic primary feeling of hurt your child is reacting against, not the secondary anger. Judy Reith agrees:

"So if there's an outburst after the TV goes off following a staunch refusal to get dressed, say something like, 'I can see you're angry that I've turned the TV off'. Empathise and reflect their feelings back to them but don't give in and don't get into long rationalisations. 'I asked you three times to get dressed and you are still in your pants so now the TV is off until tea time,' will suffice. Children need to learn their actions have consequences."

Lay out the ground rules

Be clear, too, about the behaviours in your family that are a complete no-no, says Judy:

"Whether it's physical violence or name-calling, explain as often as it takes that as a family, we are kind and that's not something we tolerate. It's OK to say, 'When you speak like that / hit Mummy, I feel sad.' It's never too early to learn cause and effect. Don't labour the point, but let them know the broad principles and values your family operates by and make sure the majority of their behaviour adheres to these (within reason – choose your battles with toddlers or you'll be fighting all day). Remember the work you put in now means you'll end up with a teenager you actually like, and vice versa. And the child who understands that his parents mean what they say at four will do so at 14."

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