“This is Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America. May you help me?”

“Donald! This is Barack Obama.”

“How did you get this number?”

“Until last week, this was my number.”

“Did you work for me?”

“Actually, yes, in a very real way I did. I worked for all Americans. That’s one of the reasons I’m calling.”

“Did you forget something? Kellyanne found a pair of Ray-Bans in a desk.

“No, those are Joe Biden’s. I’ll have him pick them up.”

“He’ll have to fight Sean Spicer for them. He can’t be exposed to sunlight.”

“Listen, Donald, I know you won the election …”

“No, I did not. But I should have. There were 5 million illegal votes, and we’re gonna launch an investigation.”

“Didn’t your own legal team deny that during the Jill Stein recount effort?”

“They did exactly the opposite. They proved that beyond all doubt. It was a disaster. A disaster.”

“Listen, Donald, I’d like to avoid a discussion on alternative facts. I’m really calling about one thing, a very important thing …”

“Are you ready to admit my Inauguration crowd was bigger than yours?”

“Uh, sure, yeah, if that matters to you. Listen, I …”

“You know, I’ve been given a great honor. It’s been very tough. It’s been 18 months of brutality in a true sense, but we won it. We won it pretty big. I don’t know if it was us, I mean, we were seeing the kind of crowds and kind of, everything, the kind of enthusiasm we were getting from the people. As you probably know, I did many, many speeches that last four-week period. I went around and did speeches in the pretty much 11 different places, that were, the massive crowds we were getting. If we had a stadium that held — and most of you, many of you were there — that held 20,000 people, we’d have 15,000 people outside that couldn’t get in. So we came up with a good system — we put up the big screens outside with a very good loudspeaker system and very few people left. I would do, during the last month, two or three a day. That’s a lot. Because that’s not easy when you have big crowds. Those speeches, that’s not an easy way of life, doing three a day. Then I said the last two days, I want to do six and seven. And I’m not sure anybody has ever done that. But we did six and we did seven and the last one ended at 1 o’clock in the morning in Michigan …”

“Listen, Donald ..”

“And we had 31,000 people, 17,000 or 18,000 inside and the rest outside. This massive place in Grand Rapids, I guess. And it was an incredible thing. And I left saying: ‘How do we lose Michigan? I don’t think we can lose Michigan.’ And the reason I did that, it was set up only a little while before — because we heard that day that Hillary was hearing that they’re going to lose Michigan, which hasn’t been lost in 38 years. Or something. But 38 years. And they didn’t want to lose Michigan. So they went out along with you and Michelle, Bill and Hillary, they went to Michigan late that, sort of late afternoon and I said, ‘Let’s go to Michigan.’ It wasn’t on the schedule. So I finished up in New Hampshire and at 10 o’clock I went to Michigan. We got there at 12 o’clock. We started speaking around 12:45, actually, and we had 31,000 people and I said, really, I mean, there are things happening. But we saw it everywhere. So we felt very good. we had great numbers. And we thought we’re going to win. We thought we were going to win Florida. We thought we were going to win North Carolina. We did easily, pretty easily. We thought strongly we were going to win Pennsylvania. The problem is nobody had won it and it was known, as you know, the great state that always got away. Every Republican thought they were going to win Pennsylvania for 38 years and they just couldn’t win it. And I thought we were going to win it. And we won it, we won it, you know, relatively easily, we won it by a number of points. Florida we won by 180,000 — was that the number, 180?”

“Donald, it really doesn’t matter. You’re the president. And you have your agenda. But I really want to talk to you about this ban on Muslims …”

“Not a ban! Not a ban! I am establishing new vetting measures to keep radical Islamic terrorists out of America. We don’t want them here.”

“Donald, you’re a New York guy. Do you remember Lady Liberty?”

“I moved on her like a bitch. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful … I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

“Lord, no, Donald. That’s just wrong. I mean the Statue of Liberty.”

“Oh, yes. That’s coming down next week. Blocks the view from one of my buildings.”

“What?! You’re not serious.”

“Bitch is coming down. Kellyanne is going to tell FOX News it was a gift from a Socialist country and it sends the wrong message”

“Wrong message?”

“Wasn’t made in America. It was imported. Totally the wrong message. Totally wrong.”

“Donald, Do you know what it says on the plaque at the statue’s base?”

“Donald, I disagree with just about every move you’ve made. But this is beyond politics. This isn’t about being conservative or liberal. This is about the bedrock principles of what America stands for, at home and around the world. This is worse than your assault on free speech.”

“We have to put a stop to the idea that it is a part of everybody’s civil rights to say whatever he pleases.”

“Donald, I’m going to try one more time. This ban on Muslims is not just a terrible idea, you did a terrible job implementing it. NPR is reporting that not one fatal attack on American soil has been committed in two decades from anyone in the seven countries you named. But you didn’t name the real problem countries. You know, the ones where you have business interests.”

“Oh, my God.”

“Finally. Do you understand, Donald?”

“No, I mean oh, my God, NPR is still running? I thought I cut them with PBS and the NEA.”

“I give up, Donald. I just give up. What’s next, you gonna round up everyone you think is Muslim?”

(Silence)

“Donald? Donald?”

(Pounding on Obama’s door audible on the phone. Then, sounds of a door crashing in and a brief scuffle before the phone goes silent.)