Archive for October 2011

Two weekends ago I went down to California for my brother’s annual tailgate for the Michigan/Michigan State game. I about jizzed my pants when I walked in the door and my family immediately noticed that I had lost weight and toned up. I know I sound like a pilates salesman, but you guys have to try the reformer. I even convinced my mom to try it and now she’s hooked too.

Anyway, back to the tailgate: After watching my Spartans kick some Wolverine ass, I proceeded to stuff my face with grilled veggies and nacho dip. Thinking I had a solid base of food to soak up the alcohol, I dove into my first vodka soda. Before you know it, I was wasted smoking a cigarette and singing “Cruella Deville” to my brother. As my sister-in-law was putting me to bed, apparently I told her I’d sleep a little bit but then “I’m coming back, and when I do, I’m bringing my labia!” Seeing as how my vagina goes with me everywhere, I really don’t know what that meant.

Obviously, I woke up feeling like death. To make it worse, I was sleeping on the floor at the foot of my brothers bed… like a dog. After two good vomits, a couple cups of tea, and Tylenol, I was back in action and ready to scarf down a huge sub sandwich. I was exhausted by the time we made it back to my other brother’s house that night but made sure I stayed awake for the Chinese food that was on its way. I scarfed down two plates and then feel asleep sitting up in a chair.

My flight out was the next morning and I arrived at the airport with enough time to shove a huge burrito in my face and eat an entire bag of Twizzlers.

This past weekend I had a half marathon on Sunday, so I had to abstain from alcohol for our game against Wisconsin… Which proved to be really difficult because that game was one of the most epic things I’ve ever seen. I ordered the hummus plate when I got there and about half way through some douche from the table next to us leaned over and said “wow, you really like hummus.” LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING!

After the game ended around 8:30, I excused myself and went straight to the Thai place across the street from my apartment. I told myself it was necessary to carbo load for the big race the next day. I think I ate my Pad Thai in like 5 minutes flat.

I was absolutely dreading this half marathon because I hadn’t trained for it all… and also a little because it was Halloween themed and I would be running in a troll doll costume. Anyway, I ended up getting there 10 minutes late because of the MAX and had to run the opposite way of the runners to activate my time chip and then turn right back around and start the course. I ended up finishing in 2:14 and had a pretty easy time running 13.1 miles. So, no complaints.

Once again, I was swimming at the gym last night and someone asked me if I had injured my back. I must look like a complete degenerate in the pool.

Side note: I burned a huge chunk of my hair off with my blow dryer this morning.

Vegan Reason: As egg laying hens produce tons of manure each week and are kept inside for more than a year (18-20 months) new ways of confinement where created as the wire-mesh cages. More hens die (because of higher crowding) but the higher production of eggs (chickens are less expensive than space) outweigh the disadvantages. In nature chickens can live as long as fifteen to twenty years but in the modern egg factory hens only have a lifespan of around a year and a half. After this their ability to lay eggs is so low that it becomes unprofitable to house and feed them, so they are made into soup and other processed foods. To keep egg-laying production economic hens undergo a process called forced molting (food is withheld for up to 14 days so the egg-laying cycle begins again). These chickens are often kept in wire cages so small that their feet begin to grow around the wire. Their beaks are also cut off to prevent them from pecking at other animals.

I’ve discovered that I’m incapable of walking into a Safeway without stealing from the bulk aisle and buying a roll of veggie sushi.

Last week my company celebrated Oktoberfest by providing copious amounts of food and beer. One of the cooks, who looks like an ex-con, had harassed me earlier in the day that I “better eat some fucking cake, or else!” I took him seriously because this dude looks like a serial killer. Come to find out his specialties are pastries. I think there’s a lesson here: never judge a book by it’s cover? Anyway, I ended up eating my weight in zucchini fritters and pretzels and then had to serve beer. All of this was in between picking frosting off the cakes that were out for everyone to enjoy.

On Thursday I was swimming at the gym and heard a guy say to another man sitting in the hot tub “This is the best kept secret in Portland!” Really asshole? You think a shitty hot tub in a hole-in-the-wall gym is the best kept secret in Portland? Get out more, brah. That same night a guy walked up to me and asked if I was rehabilitating an injury because of the way I was swimming. “It looks like you’re struggling.” It was really embarrassing.

On Friday I got off the MAX to do some shopping and a homeless man asked how tall I was. After replied that I was 5’9”, his response was “Damn girl, you want to be in my magazine?”. What the fuck magazine would that be, “Hobo Monthly”?!

I got a “anti-aging laser rejuvenation” facial that I had a groupon for on Saturday morning. I do not recommend this, as it felt like someone was tattooing my entire face for half an hour. After the treatment was over, she told me I’d need to come back for 6 more visits to see a huge difference. Bitch, are you crazy? I think acid in my face would feel better than another session of that bullshit. Based on how it felt, I thought my face was going to be a giant scab but it ended up being fine.

I went shopping that afternoon and bought some new pants. Guess who’s got two thumbs and is down a pant size? Booyaaaa! I’d like to thank the pilates reformer classes and the binge drinking that makes eating impossible on Sundays.

That evening I met up with old high school friends for drinks. They ordered some bruschetta and after I was eyeballing it for 10 minutes, they offered me some. I got so excited, I ended up dumping the toppings all over me and getting oil stains all over my new clothes. I need to wear a bib.

Crazy MAX Story of the Week: I saw a guy do an entire line of cocaine sitting right across from me. I guess when you need it, you need it.

Vegan reason: Plant-based diets only require around one third of the land and water needed to produce a typical Western diet. Farmed animals consume much more protein, water and calories than they produce, so far greater quantities of crops and water are needed to produce animal ‘products’ to feed humans than are needed to feed people direct on a plant-based diet. With water and land becoming scarcer globally, world hunger increasing and the planet’s population rising, it is much more sustainable to eat plant foods direct than use up precious resources feeding farmed animals.

Last Wednesday, a friend gave me an extra ticket to the Timbers soccer game. One of the dudes next to us offered us his flask asking “Would you like to meet my friend Jack?”. We politely declined but ended up going out with them to the bar across the street from the stadium afterward. The same gentlemen with the flask was now fairly intoxicated and had lost his wallet, so I’m not sure how he paid for the chicken wings he was shoving in his face. After starring at me for awhile, he then burped and blew it in my face and followed it up with “We’re meant to be together.” After declining his offer of a make out session, I finished my soda water and went home.

That Saturday was a rough one. I managed to hold off drinking for the Michigan State game in the morning, and went home and got a run in before meeting back up with the group at the bar. We went to a restaurant where one of the girls I was with knew the bartender, which proved to be the beginning of my demise. He was giving us free shots and drinks… so I was half in the bag by the time we left to go back to the Sports bar for the Duck game. I only remember ordering 2 vodka sodas, but I’m told this lead to me taking a bite of stranger’s quesadilla before yelling “Fuck the Ducks” in a bar FULL of duck fans. I woke up in my bed the next morning and there were pieces of hay and crumpled leaves everywhere from the walk home. I was so sick all day Sunday that I didn’t eat anything all day. On the bright side I felt really skinny Monday morning. I also had to return to the bar Monday night to retrieve the debit card I had left there when I forgot to close out my tab. I’m an asshole.

Thursday a coworker brought in a giant cookie and some cupcakes and put it in the conference room. A fucking giant cookie! My powers were helpless against it and I made at least 4 trips in there to shave off a little more cookie each time.

Friday I went to see “Contagion” with a friend. We went and got veggie burritos beforehand, meaning I wasn’t even hungry when I ordered two gallon tub of popcorn… and ate the ENTIRE fucking thing. The worst part was they gave me a tiny cup of water so I was so thirsty through out the entire movie but just kept eating anyway. My friend was both astonished and disgusted when he saw the empty tub and the end of the movie.

Saturday was another day of football and drinking. I ended my night at the Thai place across from my building shoving my face with pad thai and falling asleep at like 6 PM.

Sunday morning was the low point of the week. I ate two sweet potatoes, a veggie sushi roll, salad, chow mein, and an ENTIRE bag of english muffins with earth balance butter. All while never leaving my couch. Horrible.