Cows the Caps Can Sacrifice

Forward Jay Beagle told reporters Wednesday that the Capitals might have to sacrifice a cow so they can break out of their slump. We here at Capitals Outsider wish to encourage this behavior as a last ditch effort to save the season. Here is a list of cows that Beagle and the Caps should consider sacrificing, with analysis and the worth of each cow.

Clarabelle Cow

Unfortunately, sacrificing a Disney character won’t earn the team any victories.

Worth: 0 wins

The Laughing Cow

Sacrificing the mascot of processed cheese products is certain to boost morale in the locker room and earn the Caps at least one victory.

Worth: 1 win

Milka Cow

I don’t care how good the chocolate is, this mascot is atrocious.

Worth: 5 wins

Rocky the Bull

Though not a cow, the University of South Florida’s mascot won’t go down without a fight and may be the sacrifice the Caps need to at least temporarily end their slump.

Worth: 10 wins

Longhorn

Longhorn is a Transformer, and oddly enough hasn’t made an appearance in any of the Michael Bay movies yet. Sure to put up a fight, this is one cow the Capitals would need to put a full 60-minutes into sacrificing.

Worth: 15 wins

Babe the Blue Ox

Killing Paul Bunyon’s loyal steed is no small task, and worthy of consideration.

Worth: 20 wins

Texas Longhorn

Killing the University of Texas’s mascot is absurdly difficult, but the Caps would instantly reap the benefits.

Worth: 25 wins.

Kamadhenu

From Hindu mythology, Kamadhenu is the divine bovine-godess. Sacrificing the mother of all cows would be equivalent to selling your soul to the devil. The riches will be plenty but you’ll burn in Hell for it.

Worth: Ten straight Stanley Cups.

Okay, this was harder than we thought. You’re on your own, Caps. Just get it over with quickly, kosher-stlye, and start winning again. We believe in you.