The Nerdiest Way to Get Drunk

My daydrunk experience downing 9 of the best video game cocktails.

In honor of this morning (happy Thursday!) I decided to get deliriously drunk. But I didn't want just any kind of deliriously drunk, I wanted to get Video Game Deliriously Drunk. And since the kind of life lived by a Points in Case columnist allows me to get plaster-chippingly drunk at ten in the morning on a weekday, I took a swing over to The Drunken Moogle, the internet's foremost experts on getting plowed in the nerdiest way possible, and I picked out a few of the best drinks I could find, made them, drank them, regretted a couple of them, and then strolled over to the internet to tell you about my experiences.

Skyyrum (The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim cocktail)

Ingredients:

Skyy vanilla vodkaSparkling elderflower presseSpiced rum Orange peel

I couldn't find any Sparkling Elderflower Presse, because my local liquor store isn't a thirteenth century apothecary, so I just picked some dandelions from the yard and threw them in a bag with Sprite for a couple of days.

You're supposed to coat the rim of this drink in sugar and I recommend it heartily, because it's actually kind of a tasty drink. Probably one of the most nommable I have here.

But if you think mine looks anything like that tribute to suave-badassery up there then you really don't know me that well. I just set an orange down in the Tupperware I mixed this drink in.

The Nukem is only as badass as you're willing to make it. And if I know the Points in Case audience as well as I think I do (I don't—I'm woefully out of touch with society of any kind) then you guys are going to make this dangerous.

Before you add the moonshine (don't be a pussy, brew your own in your basement's water drain), this is actually a pretty normal, tasty drink. I had kind of forgotten that Mello Yello existed, and I really regret that, because I think it's awesome. The rum really doesn't do much to the flavor at all, because that Mello Yello is really sweet, so I'm pretty sure it's just there so you can say there are three different kinds of hard liquor in your drink.

And then it gets a little more hardcore. You could be a little bitch and just pour a little dribble in, but is that what Duke would do? Hell no. So you better either man up and make the mix 50/50 moonshine/everything else, or bring a shitload of bubblegum. Because if he doesn't have any to chew, then you know what he came to do.

Hail to the king, baby.

Immulsion (Gears of War cocktail)

Ingredients:

1.5 oz. Gold rum3/4 oz. Triple sec6 oz. NOS Energy Drink

This Gears of War cocktail is not what you'd expect from a drink inspired by one of the grittiest games of this console generation. I figured I'd have to bleed into a bucket of gravel and then get called a pussy a whole bunch in order to make a Gears themed drink, but I was pleasantly surprised, because NOS is the best energy drink ever. And I will fight anyone who disagrees with that statement. And trust me, I have plenty of goddamned energy to fight you with, because I still had the bucket I thought I was going to need to make this drink, and I figured, eh, fuck it and just adjusted for size. I haven't blinked in over two hours, but the fact that I can see past versions of myself fighting to the death when I look into mirrors makes it pretty cool.

The rum. That's it. That's the only part of this drink that isn't just sugar water. Hell, the pink lemonade and Jell-O are just solid and liquid forms of fruity sugar. Don't look at me like that, Blackberry Brandy! You're just plastic bottle brandy with a metric fury-fukton of sugar and berry flavoring infused to try and disguise the fact that you taste like a hoof.

Don't ever drink these; they're tasty, but if you have too many you don't get drunk, you get diabetes.

Forget what I said about The Kirby drink. Sweet is good. Sweet is very good. You guys can just go ahead and fill in the rest of the article yourself, right? Good. Because the rest of my day is going to be spent drinking these things, puking them back up, and then crawling back to them, apologizing to them for ever leaving.

According to my editor, I'm not allowed to make my reader "just go ahead and fill in the rest of the article for themselves," so I guess I'm still here.

But I'm OK with that, because I love anything Cave Johnson-related. Based on a joke that the ever hilarious Cave Johnson spouts out during Portal 2, this drink is actually pretty boss-awesome.

Just like the Nukem, this is a pretty normal, sweet drink up until you decide to mess around with Everclear, and then it becomes the life of the party.

And then you light it on fire. Then the life of the party is in danger, but the life of the party actually likes that because the life of the party is one of those thrill-seeking types. Live on the edge, man.

(Please note that if you "live on the edge" by setting lemonade on fire, then you should probably go outside and actually live on the edge.)

Firefly is not a video game. I know this. But the combination of this drink being pretty awesome, mixed with my never-ending petition to turn Fireflyinto a video game (think about it) has led me to choose this drink for this list.

Jane would accept no less than a beverage this manly, and the sake/ginger gives it an incredible Asian flair that pairs nicely with a viewing of that one episode where Jane gets that silly hat. No, no I don't know how that pairs with that, but that hat is something special, so back off.

Named after Janes worldpuncher (some people insist that it's just a "gun"), the Vera is a formidable cocktail with a great taste that fits well into one of the most beloved shows that should totally, totally be a video game.

Well, looks pretty cool, in the picture, at least. Mine was slightly less majestic. Especially since I have no idea who sells blue fucking Twizzlers. I just wadded up a Fruit By The Foot and shoved it down the middle.

It was awful.

Ryncol (Mass Effect cocktail)

Ingredients:

1 oz Absinthe1 oz Grain alcohol1 dash Blue curacao

Ryncol isn't a drink to be taken lightly. Or often. Because I'm pretty sure it can kill you.

In the Mass Effect universe, Krogans are the badass, giant space-frog-demons that are recognized as being as hardcore as one can possibly be without literally fucking a planet.

And trust me. They're working on that.

So when these masters of all that is manly come up with a drink that even they think has a bit of a bite to it, us pathetic humans better steer clear, lest we want to melt in a puddle of fear urine (and also into a puddle of our own stomachs, because I'm pretty sure this is just battery acid and formaldehyde).

Fortunately, the humanized version of this drink won't kill you. Right away. As you can see from the ingredient list, you better be goddamn careful, and also you're a fool if you think the Curacao is there to do anything other than make it look a little more palatable. This is as close as you can get to drinking bleach without— oh God who am I kidding this is bleach.