My bookshelf is full of books about autism. Most of them are reference guides, some of them are short stories, some are novels and some are textbooks. They have all been really useful. Practical. Nice. I’ve even written a book myself, I’ll let you know when it’s published, so you can add it to your collection. Recently I’ve been thinking what I probably needed on my bookshelf was a not so “nice” book. A book that tells you how it really is, without the silver lining, without so many “pretty” pictures. I think I would call it “Autism. What You Actually Need To Know”. It would read something like this. Introduction: Why?Synopsis: Autism is mostly genetic. Your genes probably caused this. Or maybe it was your partner’s genes. When in doubt, blame your partner. Chapter 1: The MeltdownSynopsis: A Meltdown is not a Temper tantrum. Here’s 10 ways to help YOU recover, after your child has.

Chapter 2: Your Quirky ChildSynopsis: How to cope when you realize your child may not be Einstein or be able to count cards for you in Las Vegas. (Insert picture of Rain Man with a big red stop sign.)

Chapter 3: Making Friends (For you not your child)Synopsis: The importance of having two types of friends, those who support you and those who you can slowly go crazy with you. Hint: These “crazy” people also have kids on the Spectrum. Chapter 4: Sport is NOT for EveryoneSynopsis: Focus on what your child is good at. Being able to build a replica of the Eiffel Tower in Lego will probably give your child a better chance at getting into University than hitting a tennis ball will. And your child will be happy. And you will be happy too. Chapter 5: Finding A Square HoleSynopsis: Don’t try and mould your square peg child into a round hole environment. Find a square hole where they can be themselves, and be happy. If you can’t find one, create one. Most people are open to change, except your child. They don’t, I repeat don’t, like change. Chapter 6: Forget about HomeworkSynopsis: The title is the chapter. Seriously. Forget about Homework. Chapter 7: BriberySynopsis: Behavioural Modification Therapy should really be called Bribery Motivation Therapy. Their brains may be uniquely wired in some parts but the good behaviour equals reward neurons are firing exceptionally well. Use them to your advantage.

Chapter 8: Say What You MeanSynopsis: Don’t say it’s “raining cats and dogs” if it isn’t! Your child will get wet trying to find the cats, and the dogs, falling from the sky. The same goes for butterflies, they never have, and never will, survive in someone’s stomach, regardless of how nervous you are. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with the tears about fictional dead butterflies.

Chapter 9: The Mummy MeltdownSynopsis: Every Mummy has the occasional Meltdown. That’s okay. Use it as an instructional tool, “see how Mummy calms herself down”. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Followed by a glass of Vodka, I mean water. Chapter 10: FAQ’sSynopsis: Quick fix solutions for every day problems. This chapter contains no references to Vodka. None. Really. Well maybe a couple. Final Chapter: It Gets A LOT Easier (Hint: Read this chapter first)Synopsis: The meltdowns will stop. Your home will be tidy. Your child will be calm. You will feel like a friggin’ champion because you’ve survived and raised an awesome kid. As a bonus, now you know what to do when you have Grandkids, because remember folks, Autism is genetic! THE END. GOOD LUCK. See, a practical, no nonsense guide to autism. So, who wants a copy?

I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism just over a year ago and I appreciate your list very much, but with one exception. I think I handle change more rapidly and much better than most people AS LONG AS the changes are announced or anticipated ahead of time, occur openly, are fully explained and understood, and are genuinely effective (meaning that they don't leave me with unresolvable new/unexpected additional problems). Nonetheless, thank you for shedding some light on the spectrum. The next step? Making the world safe for your child as he or she ages into adulthood and out of all of the child-oriented support systems. Sigh.

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Kirstie

25/3/2014 08:23:52 am

The best "book" I will ever read!! Do it! Write it!!! Thank you for the giggle.. Only an aspie parent would get it :)

Who better to learn from than the parents who live it.
However my daughters school showed me that professionals do not like to have their knowledge questioned and much prefer to have their egos stroked. So I abandoned it!

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Dave's Mommy

27/3/2014 01:21:44 am

Great idea. You should do it! You have important 'insider' information!

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Louise ( just one of those crazy mums you refer to with love)

26/3/2014 09:56:17 pm

Lol....ol and ol again ... Thankyou for the giggles I love your blog

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Courtney

26/6/2014 07:19:00 am

OMG, Please put me down for a copy of this lol this is amazing just the book i need to read everyday lately :-/ It just how I feel, but need to look at things
thank you x

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Tanya

26/6/2014 09:19:18 am

Wow that would be an interesting read. I think you would need to read it alone as all the outbursts of laughter may be questioned by those around you lol.

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Louise

26/6/2014 12:45:39 pm

Please send a copy to every member of my family, school, etc lol
Ps. Thankyou for the giggles

Order one for me! The "raining cats and dogs" brought back a great conversation I had many years ago. A little boy would not go outside because he was afraid that he would be hit by the dogs and cats falling from the sky!

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Tiffany Goss

26/8/2014 06:50:04 pm

Write the book PLEASE!!! As a newly diagnosed parent of high functioning 6yo girl with ASD your take on this I can totally relate to!
I am fumbling around like drunk woman in a blind fold, no idea which way to turn so I just flop down and ask for gods sake why!!!