It is my chore to cover the least popular spot on the team – the lineup spot that will remind all of us every game why we hate the move to the AL…. the DH “position”. Since I am a lifelong NL fan and know very little about the Designated Hitter, I am asking my two country bumpkin cousins, Jim Bob Crane and Jerry Jeff Luhnow to ghost write this blog posting.

Note – any similarity between these gentlemen and any other gentlemen who may have one less name is purely coincidental.

Jim Bob: Jerry Jeff, what is this Designated Hitter person? In my air freight business , this was a 300# gorilla, who we sent after union organizers.

Jerry Jeff: JB, don’t you remember that $70 million “rebate” you negotiated when they told you to move to the American League? Well, one of the things that got the fans all stirred up was that the AL uses a DH and the NL does not. Remember when I signed that large guy Carlos Pena, who can hit the ball a long way, but not often- that was for the DH spot.

JB: Wait a minute – was that the guy you told me about who sits in the dugout almost the whole game, gets up every 2 or 3 innings, swings and misses 3 times and then goes back to sit in the dugout?

JJ: He sometimes stops to get a drink of water and he has to dodge those foul balls that rattle around the dugout.

JB: Yeah – the DH is causing me a heck of a lot of trouble. I keep getting these threatening emails and pictures from some guy named bopert. He is shown holding a puppy and threatens to kill it if we don’t go back to the National League – as though that would affect someone like me, who has “666” carved into his bicep. But, hey – this Pena fellow – I’m paying him $2.9 million this year – more than anybody else – to sit on his butt except for batting 3 or 4 times a game.

JJ: Well, you are still paying $5 million to Wandy this year and technically, Bud Norris will make slightly more than Pena this year at $3 million.

JB: I still can’t believe I’m paying the most money to the guy who will be on the field the least.

JJ: We picked him up for a couple of reasons – his career power stats and his ability to get on base? You did watch that Brad Pitt movie I told you to watch?

JB: Benjamin Button? Yeah that just creeped me out – that face on that shrinking body—

JJ: No, Moneyball – it gives you a heck of a message about what is important in baseball especially relative to getting on base. Hey his career OBP is .350 and his career OPS is .822. And I read that he was getting batting tips from his 70 year old father….

JB: Yeah – but I studied up on Pena’s stats and his OPS was .685 last season about the same as JDM and that ain’t impressing anybody.

JB: Rule 5? Is that somehow related to Fast and Furious 6 – I saw the extended trailer for that and it was kick-butt fun!

JJ: Rule 5 guys are ones who may be good players, but are stuck in an organization for an extended time – maybe there is an All-Star blocking their rise to the big team. Another team can claim him in a Rule 5 draft for $50,000 – but they must keep him on the mlb roster for a full season or offer him back for ½ the money.

JB: So we really want to keep this guy – if I waste $25,000 only 2800 more times – there goes my $70 million.

JJ: The downside to Freiman is he never has played above the AA level. But he is one of those guys with power that has a good strikeout rate – 16%. Note – Carter and Pena strikeout more often than they get on base.

OTHERS WHO ARE WILLING TO GET PAID TO HIT ONLY

Brett Wallace, Bats L, Throws and Blankets, R, 26 years old.

Wallace was picked up from Toronto for Anthony Gose (who was being flipped from the Phillies as part of the Roy Oswalt trade)

JB: There is something about him – he doesn’t look a ballplayer – he looks more like a guy who would be driving my limo.

JJ: We asked him to work on hitting with more power last year and he did improve somewhat but his K rate went from 24 to 33%. I would love it if he put a stranglehold on something – 1B, DH, 3B – but the hourglass is running out.

JB: So instead of spending a bunch of money on that Pena guy – why didn’t you just let this minimum wage player fill the spot? He had about the same OPS last year and covers less ground than my mother. Sounds like a perfect DH.

JJ: Because I can’t guarantee he can even repeat last season – after a really strong April – he fell off the planet. Maybe it was his wrist, maybe it was everybody figuring him out.

JB: I tend to use the F-word, but usually not in conjunction with Mart…. I saw him play – he and JDM make Carlos Lee look pretty quick.

JJ: He may never fully recover from his knee problems, but in limited ABs he had a much more robust SLG average than JDM, Wallace and Pena. He is at least in the conversation.

Best Case Scenario: Carlos Pena channels that 3 year period 2007-09 when he averaged 39 HRs and 108 RBIs. Of course then he would be traded by Independence Day.

Worst Case Scenario: Pena repeats his 2012 travails, Carter whiffs at a 50% rate, Freiman is sent back to the Padres – Wallace, JDM and FMart end up in the minors or elsewhere.

Preseason Grade: D+

Dan’s prediction: I think the early season will see a lot of Pena here with Carter and Freiman playing against lefthanders. I think Pena is close to washed up and that Carter and Wallace will pick up a bunch of the DH at bats when Pena is sent packing.