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A scream in the darkness

I am used to emotional pain. I am used to loss, hurt, betrayal, grief. So to survive I gathered together souls like mine. I surrounded myself with people who understood pain, then later in life I surrounded myself with people who understood what it was to seek out a different kind of pain, a pain that for me healed and soothed.

Things happened that changed those core groups that I cherished. If I explained you would figure who I am. Lets just say it has been to much loss. Having those people in my life was like a moat. If I was hurting or left out or unable to cope, I just drew up the drawbridge. All I needed I had.

Now I feel I have nothing. For months and months I have dreamed of ending my life, I even attempted and failed. The woman who used to embrace life and chase every dream is gone. to much loss, to much pain, to much disappointment.

Suicide is selfish and hurtful, I know. I just actually do not know how to carry on further. I have tried everything, thrown all of what was left of my positive at surviving and changing my circumstance. But I had a blow that rocked me past what I can absorb and continue to breathe. I want to let go, and can’t believe in the past how hard I tried to stay alive.

I just needed a place to scream into the empty darkness, that I want it to end. I want the pain to stop.

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6 thoughts on “A scream in the darkness”

Don’t give up, you can’t let the darkness win. Go and speak to your GP and ask for help. There are people you can talk to who can help you understand what you are going through and help you to make sense of it so you can move forward.

There is hope. I’ve been in the place where you want everything to stop because you don’t have the energy to keep going. I feel like I’m heading back there myself at times but I have to force myself to let the light in.

You are not alone even when it seems like you are there are other people out there who feel the same way you do. I used to blog about how I felt to make sense of it and to let people know it was happening and some people related to it.

Find someone to talk to, ask for help there is no shame in it, everyone needs help sometimes. I did a course of cognitive behavioural therapy and without that I wouldn’t be here now I was so low at the time.

It really helped to make me understand and find coping mechanisms to deal with life. I too know some of those feelings you described.

There is nothing sadder than when the darkness wins, find your light, the things that make you happy and keep them in your mind always.

Don’t give up because someone loves you, keep putting one foot in front of the other, smile, breathe and slowly you’ll remember how good life can be again.

Get help. People in my life have gone deep into the darkness, where it felt like there was no way out, and have been trundled off to hospital. Treatment works. It doesn’t change your underlying situation, but it helps give you the tools to take control of your life again. And in the end, that’s what we all need – not that our lives are perfect, but that we have the tools to keep making it better. Give yourself a break. Get help. Get your tools sharpened.

Please don’t give up. You’ve come so far you can go further. It’s not fun or easy or quick as you know but it’s so possible. I wish I could say things that would make you feel better, ease your pain but I know it’s not that easy. There are so many places you can go to for help. You’re amazing, deserving you have a place here. Please don’t give up xxx

You have practiced telling how you feel here. Now go and tell it to one safe person. Anyone – health care professional, friend. family member, even a suicide or crisis hotline. By writing it here you see how people care about you. They do! Now go tell someone. You can do it!

You took the first step, you wrote this. That’s brave. That proves to me there is a part of you still fighting. That’s amazing! Go you!
You’re having trouble letting go of how you thought things would be. We all get there sometimes. For now you just need to get through today. That’s enough. When you’re feeling like this, that’s awesomeness. I don’t care if you sit around in your PJ’s, stay in bed or slouch on the sofa. Get through today. Sleep whenever you can, as much as you need. Be kind to yourself. If you can go for a 10 minute walk in the sunshine, try to. It does help. But if that seems like climbing Everest, then don’t. That’s OK too.

If only I had the words to ease the pain for you. But please know that you are not alone, that others have been through that pain and come out of it, recovery IS possible. Please get in touch with someone, your GP, Samaritans, anyone, make contact with people, demand help.
Sending strength to you

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