Big Ten Rundown Week 3

Wisconsin you had just one FUCKING job this week, welcome BYU to Madison and proceed to show kick the shit out of them.

This is not a good look for my Big Ten vs SEC wager with @tamcclanahan going forward (which we still need to lay down the stakes for this bet).

BYU 24 @ #6 Wisconsin 21

Let’s just get this out of the way now. BYU was the better team this week. But did BYU have an unfair advantage over Wisconsin? After a quick dive into some Mormon forums I learned that they can’t even masturbate as it “breaks the chastity”. So not only do they abstain from sex, they also abstain from bludgeoning the beefsteak.

The proof is the dude ranch ladies and gentlemen. While Badgers players are getting that pregame rub or tug on the Mormons are getting a good nights rest and playing with more energy, more motivation, and more love. And it showed on gameday as Wisconsin came out flaccid and let BYU steal a victory. Wisconsin will bounce back and end up back in playoff discussions towards the end of the regular season.

Ball State 10 @ Indiana 38

….moving on.

Temple 35 @ Maryland 14

RIP Maryland’s undefeated season, gone too soon.

Kent State 10 @ #11 Penn State 63

Penn State again racking up the style points in a game they were heavily favored to win. McSorley with a solid game throwing for 229 yards on 11 passes and 2 TD’s, and running back Johnathan (not Taylor) Thomas breaking off a 69 yard run has the offense feeling some type of way. Look for Penn State to fill the void left by Wisconsin as the 2nd best team in the Big Ten.

Rutgers 14 @ Kansas 55

Rutgers has lost their last two games combined by 90 points. I’d be a little more lenient if they played two absolute world beaters in this span (which Ohio State is), but to give up 55 points to Kansas is outright embarrassing. The 10 Rutgers alum I polled after the game (who elected to remain anonymous) they’d be sending their kids to UConn instead so their kids to save their kids the secondhand embarrassment and lifetime of shame when putting Rutgers down on future résumé.

The Rutgers experiment has failed miserably in the Big Ten. So Rutgers….

Troy 24 @ Nebraska 19

0-2 for Mr. Frost? Yikesss

SMU 20 @ Michigan 45

Congrats Michigan. You didn’t lose this week (as I predicted) but your time will come. Don’t get back on the hype train yet your team is still painfully average.

Side Note: I think an SMU alumni team could’ve demolished Michigan last Saturday.

South Florida 25 @ Illinois 19

Back to a losing season and a clean shaven Lovie Smith. Here’s to hoping we get to see bearded Lovie Smith for more than 2 weeks next season.

Miami (OH) 3 @ Minnesota 26

Could Minnesota be a sleeper in the Big Ten? 3-0 and a big in division matchup with Maryland this weekend will be answer this question. My money is on Minnesota winning, but I wouldn’t trust a retired degenerate gambler like me.

Missouri 40 @ Purdue 37

Another game, another late field goal that puts Purdue closer to six feet under. Purdue has officially joined Rutgers in the “teams I’ve given up on in the Big Ten”. The losses aren’t the only reason I’m putting them in this category. Benching QB Elijah Sindelar who attended my old high school has given me no reason to care about the Boilermakers anymore. I stand with my QB! #BringBackElijah Also Elijah if you’re reading this tell your sisters I said “sup”.

Northern Iowa 14 @ Iowa 38

Iowa wins the interstate battle for football supremacy?

Akron 39 @ Northwestern 34

Sitting in with Northwestern fans in the Horseshoe two years ago really made realize just how fucking nerdy this school is. No game recap here, they’re nerds they can’t play football, ipso facto they lost.

Make sure to shout the following when you see a Northwestern student or alumni.

I’ve saved the best for last…….

#4 Ohio State 40 @ #15 TCU 28

What a fucking game….I was told. I fell asleep in the 3rd quarter because for some reason a few beers and a glass of wine hits me like a MAC truck and I suddenly dozed off. Right out of the gate both teams marched down the field and it looked like we were in for a good ol’ fashion shootout. I wasn’t going to complain if we saw both teams light up the scoreboard, as long as the Buckeyes had the higher score I’d be a happy camper. But then Ohio State seemed to slow their role a bit and along with the rest of the Buckeye nation my sweaty palm was planted firmly on the panic button. Fast forward to the second half and Ohio State shifts into 4th gear and doesn’t look back. Not the blowout I was hoping for but being able to bounce back off the ropes against a tough TCU isn’t bad for the powers that be to look at come playoff time.

Check back for these on Tuesday’s now since the SEC has planted it’s flag firmly into the Monday slot.