Makers Of Baconnaise Introduce Eternal Pork Embrace: The Bacon Coffin

For diehard bacon aficionados, bacon is not just a way of life, but could also be a way to spend eternity. And no, we don’t mean overeating it to the point of artery-clogging, we mean that J&D’s Foods have created what they call the Bacon Coffin, painted to resemble that supreme pork product and cradle you six feet under forevermore.

Yes, this is really real. Bacon Coffins are finished with a painted Bacon and Pork shading and accented with gold stationary handles. The interior has an adjustable bed and mattress, a bacon memorial tube and is completed in ivory crepe coffin linens. Don’t you judge us, after baconlube (bacon flavored personal lubricant), we all knew it was just going to keep getting weirder. And yeah, your [sic] right we’re probably going to hell for this one.

At a price tag of $2,999.95 plus shipping, we had to wonder whether there was any actual bacon involved (perhaps the casket’s lining?), so we called up J&D’s to ask.

“No, it’s just made to look like bacon,” explained customer service rep Kaitlyn. We suggested that it might behoove them to throw in some of their bacon products to sweeten the deal, to which she replied with a laugh, saying, “I’ll have to run that by Justin and Dave.”

Coffins are stupid. When you’re dead you can’t enjoy them.
And the people who sell them are the worst.
“Don’t you want your loved one to be comfortable?”
Fucking vultures. The person is DEAD, comfort is no longer an issue.
You know this, yet you still try to prey on those with recently deceased loved ones.

It’s like the Funeral Directors who advertise steel caskets with a 20-year warranty and whatnot. If I ever get buried in one, I’m going to leave specific instructions to dig me up every few years to check on the casket.