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The Best Weed Jokes from Dave Chappelle’s New Standup Specials

"I don’t know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers, but their weed is very strong," warns the comic in his latest Netflix features.

Ever since Half Baked joined Reefer Madness, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and the Cheech & Chong movies in the pantheon of stoner classics, co-writer and star Dave Chappelle has been an icon to pot smokers everywhere. His performance as “master of custodial arts” Thurgood Jenkins was only the first of Chappelle’s marijuana-related highlights throughout the years — who could forget his classic “Why I Stopped Smoking Weed with Black People” and “Baby Selling Drugs on the Corner” standup bits?

Last week Chappelle hit us with two standup specials, The Age of Spin and Deep in the Heart of Texas, which are his first in 12 years. Though uneven at times, they’ve still got their fair share of hilarious weed-related jokes, most of which are relatable to any stoner. Below, we’ve ranked all of them that appear in the two new specials, and included some relevant clips. Check out the full two-part special on Netflix.

Smoking Weed with Rappers

A post shared by A Ditzenberger (@angeladitzenberger) on Mar 26, 2017 at 5:23pm PDT

We’ve heard it time and time again: smoking weed with rappers will fuck you up. But no matter how many times we see people passing out from taking dabs or read a journalist’s harrowing account of trying to keep pace with Gucci Mane and Waka Flocka Flame, there’s still an allure that’s hard to ignore. All of the warnings didn’t stop me from taking two ill-advised puffs from Action Bronson’s blunt mid-interview, and they didn’t stop Chappelle from blazing up with Danny Brown before a recent show in Detroit:

“I don’t know if you ever saw on TMZ, the big headline: ‘Dave Chappelle Drunk Onstage in Detroit.’ Well if you saw it, I wasn’t drunk. I smoked some reefer with some rappers. I don’t know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers, but their weed is very strong. Stronger than I was accustomed to.

The article goes on to say I was booed offstage, which is also incorrect. I was booed... I did not leave. It was a nightmare. Two puffs of weed— two puffs— that’s all it was. I’ve never had that happen, where I take two puffs of weed and I look at the guy next to me like, ‘I’m gonna bomb, n****, I can feel it.’”

Getting the Munchies and Eating His Kids’ Lunch

Chappelle and his wife seem to have a pretty hilarious relationship, often clashing over his late night smoking antics. In this bit, he explains why eating part of his sons’ lunches is actually beneficial to them, and why she will never understand that:

“[My wife] says the same thing every night before she goes to bed. I’ll be the last one up, and she’s like, ‘I’m gonna get some sleep Dave, good night.’ Alright baby, I’m going to stay up and watch television. Good night. And she’ll walk halfway up the steps— ‘David? Don’t eat the kids’ lunch.’

The crazy thing is I don’t even eat their lunch anymore. Back in the day I used to eat that shit, you know how that goes. I might smoke some weed in the middle of the night, and she’ll leave neatly-wrapped sandwiches all over the kitchen… I’m gonna eat it. What’s the big deal?

I mean it’s like, I’ve got sons anyway, and sons love everything their dads do. My kids will be at school the next day just looking like, ‘Oh dad bit my sandwich, oh shit!’ Their dad is Dave Chappelle, you could trade that sandwich for something better. What I’m doing is adding value to their lunch, she doesn’t understand these types of things.”

Getting Pulled Over in LA

A post shared by JDizzle520 (@jdizzle520) on Mar 25, 2017 at 11:32pm PDT

Getting pulled over while under the influence of any mind-altering substance is anyone’s worst nightmare. Chappelle wisely had a designated driver on one such evening in LA, but even still, he was almost arrested during a traffic stop:

“I haven’t been working in LA, but I come here and hang out and shit. I was out here a few weeks ago and almost got arrested. I’m not bullshitting, this happens to a lot of black people. What happened was, I was coming out of one of those nightclubs in Hollywood and my friend saw me, I guess I was wobbling or something. So he just rolled up and was like. ‘Hey Dave, give me the keys.’ And I was like, ‘Alright n**** just take the keys.’ And I got in the passenger side of my car, and he drove it.

It was fine, we were just talking, chopping it up, and then on the 10, the blue-and-whites hit us. Now I should tell you, the friend that was driving me was black, which really doesn’t have anything to do with the story, other than to let you know, there was fear in the car. Not my fear. I’m black, but I’m also Dave Chappelle. So I figured, you know, shit’ll probably be fine.

Traffic stop started off on the right foot. Cop came up to the driver’s side, ‘Hey, how you guys doing tonight?’ And he recognized me, like, ‘Oh, Dave Chappelle!’ And I’m looking at my friend like, ‘We getting’ out of this shit.’ And then he says, ‘You know, you guys were swerving in the lane, do you mind just stepping out of the car for a second?’ Still no cause for alarm.

I looked in the rearview mirror, the body language of the arrest looked good, just talking. So I started fucking with the radio— that’s how you know a traffic stop is going good, if you’re fucking with the radio— and when I looked back there, something had gone horribly wrong. Motherfucker was back there like [pantomimes nose-touching sobriety test]. Next thing I know they’re stuffing him in the back of the car and I thought what anybody would think in that situation, ‘Oh my god… what is going to happen to me.’

And the police walked up to the window, ‘Uh, Mr. Chappelle, we had to arrest your friend. He refused to take our breathalyzer test.’ I said, ‘That motherfucker. Not complying, that’s odd. So officer, what’s going to happen to me?’ ‘Well you’ll be fine. We’re just going to have to ask you to step out of the car so we can impound it, and we’ll arrange for you to have a ride home.’ I said, ‘Oh well, nah, I’d rather just have you give me the keys.’ He’s like, ‘Mr. Chappelle, your friend already told us he was your designated driver, we can’t let you drive in this condition.’ I was like, ‘Nah, n****, I’m good.’ And then suddenly this shit turn into Vegas. He was like, ‘I’ll let you blow for it.’ Excuse me? He said, ‘if you blow on my breathalyzer…’ I said ‘Aw n****, I thought you was trying to get your dick sucked, phew!’ ‘If you blow on my breathalyzer and pass, I’ll give you the keys to your car.’ I said, ‘Ehh… set it up, n****, let’s play.’

I blew on that thing and it made a noise — BEEP! — and I said, ‘Uh oh.’ He looked at it and said, ‘Oh, well, Mr. Chappelle, I guess you’re free to go.’ And I said, ‘I am?’ I didn’t know that thing didn’t pick up weed! I drove home on the 10, 30 miles an hour.”

Befriending His Dog

Few things are as entertaining as pets when you’re high, but Chappelle’s dog seemed to be a nuisance until he discovered an unlikely byproduct of smoking up:

“My dog Baba was a menace. I hated his guts. Then one night I had smoked a bunch of weed and I was eating a sandwich, and the dog came over and was staring at me. This will make you very uncomfortable. I had to give him a piece of my sandwich so he would go away, and that’s how we became friends. Now if you see me walking down the street with him, I ain’t got no leash or nothing…

All my friends are like, “Yo Dave, that shit is dope. How you train Baba to do that shit?” I’ve never trained Baba, I’m just a messy eater. If my dog smells weed in the house, he’ll be like, ‘Oh, this motherfucker’s ‘bout to eat.’ And he’ll just come running.”

The Best Weed Jokes from Dave Chappelle’s New Standup Specials

"I don’t know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers, but their weed is very strong," warns the comic in his latest Netflix features.

Ever since Half Baked joined Reefer Madness, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and the Cheech & Chong movies in the pantheon of stoner classics, co-writer and star Dave Chappelle has been an icon to pot smokers everywhere. His performance as “master of custodial arts” Thurgood Jenkins was only the first of Chappelle’s marijuana-related highlights throughout the years — who could forget his classic “Why I Stopped Smoking Weed with Black People” and “Baby Selling Drugs on the Corner” standup bits?

Last week Chappelle hit us with two standup specials, The Age of Spin and Deep in the Heart of Texas, which are his first in 12 years. Though uneven at times, they’ve still got their fair share of hilarious weed-related jokes, most of which are relatable to any stoner. Below, we’ve ranked all of them that appear in the two new specials, and included some relevant clips. Check out the full two-part special on Netflix.

Smoking Weed with Rappers

A post shared by A Ditzenberger (@angeladitzenberger) on Mar 26, 2017 at 5:23pm PDT

We’ve heard it time and time again: smoking weed with rappers will fuck you up. But no matter how many times we see people passing out from taking dabs or read a journalist’s harrowing account of trying to keep pace with Gucci Mane and Waka Flocka Flame, there’s still an allure that’s hard to ignore. All of the warnings didn’t stop me from taking two ill-advised puffs from Action Bronson’s blunt mid-interview, and they didn’t stop Chappelle from blazing up with Danny Brown before a recent show in Detroit:

“I don’t know if you ever saw on TMZ, the big headline: ‘Dave Chappelle Drunk Onstage in Detroit.’ Well if you saw it, I wasn’t drunk. I smoked some reefer with some rappers. I don’t know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers, but their weed is very strong. Stronger than I was accustomed to.

The article goes on to say I was booed offstage, which is also incorrect. I was booed... I did not leave. It was a nightmare. Two puffs of weed— two puffs— that’s all it was. I’ve never had that happen, where I take two puffs of weed and I look at the guy next to me like, ‘I’m gonna bomb, n****, I can feel it.’”

Getting the Munchies and Eating His Kids’ Lunch

Chappelle and his wife seem to have a pretty hilarious relationship, often clashing over his late night smoking antics. In this bit, he explains why eating part of his sons’ lunches is actually beneficial to them, and why she will never understand that:

“[My wife] says the same thing every night before she goes to bed. I’ll be the last one up, and she’s like, ‘I’m gonna get some sleep Dave, good night.’ Alright baby, I’m going to stay up and watch television. Good night. And she’ll walk halfway up the steps— ‘David? Don’t eat the kids’ lunch.’

The crazy thing is I don’t even eat their lunch anymore. Back in the day I used to eat that shit, you know how that goes. I might smoke some weed in the middle of the night, and she’ll leave neatly-wrapped sandwiches all over the kitchen… I’m gonna eat it. What’s the big deal?

I mean it’s like, I’ve got sons anyway, and sons love everything their dads do. My kids will be at school the next day just looking like, ‘Oh dad bit my sandwich, oh shit!’ Their dad is Dave Chappelle, you could trade that sandwich for something better. What I’m doing is adding value to their lunch, she doesn’t understand these types of things.”

Getting Pulled Over in LA

A post shared by JDizzle520 (@jdizzle520) on Mar 25, 2017 at 11:32pm PDT

Getting pulled over while under the influence of any mind-altering substance is anyone’s worst nightmare. Chappelle wisely had a designated driver on one such evening in LA, but even still, he was almost arrested during a traffic stop:

“I haven’t been working in LA, but I come here and hang out and shit. I was out here a few weeks ago and almost got arrested. I’m not bullshitting, this happens to a lot of black people. What happened was, I was coming out of one of those nightclubs in Hollywood and my friend saw me, I guess I was wobbling or something. So he just rolled up and was like. ‘Hey Dave, give me the keys.’ And I was like, ‘Alright n**** just take the keys.’ And I got in the passenger side of my car, and he drove it.

It was fine, we were just talking, chopping it up, and then on the 10, the blue-and-whites hit us. Now I should tell you, the friend that was driving me was black, which really doesn’t have anything to do with the story, other than to let you know, there was fear in the car. Not my fear. I’m black, but I’m also Dave Chappelle. So I figured, you know, shit’ll probably be fine.

Traffic stop started off on the right foot. Cop came up to the driver’s side, ‘Hey, how you guys doing tonight?’ And he recognized me, like, ‘Oh, Dave Chappelle!’ And I’m looking at my friend like, ‘We getting’ out of this shit.’ And then he says, ‘You know, you guys were swerving in the lane, do you mind just stepping out of the car for a second?’ Still no cause for alarm.

I looked in the rearview mirror, the body language of the arrest looked good, just talking. So I started fucking with the radio— that’s how you know a traffic stop is going good, if you’re fucking with the radio— and when I looked back there, something had gone horribly wrong. Motherfucker was back there like [pantomimes nose-touching sobriety test]. Next thing I know they’re stuffing him in the back of the car and I thought what anybody would think in that situation, ‘Oh my god… what is going to happen to me.’

And the police walked up to the window, ‘Uh, Mr. Chappelle, we had to arrest your friend. He refused to take our breathalyzer test.’ I said, ‘That motherfucker. Not complying, that’s odd. So officer, what’s going to happen to me?’ ‘Well you’ll be fine. We’re just going to have to ask you to step out of the car so we can impound it, and we’ll arrange for you to have a ride home.’ I said, ‘Oh well, nah, I’d rather just have you give me the keys.’ He’s like, ‘Mr. Chappelle, your friend already told us he was your designated driver, we can’t let you drive in this condition.’ I was like, ‘Nah, n****, I’m good.’ And then suddenly this shit turn into Vegas. He was like, ‘I’ll let you blow for it.’ Excuse me? He said, ‘if you blow on my breathalyzer…’ I said ‘Aw n****, I thought you was trying to get your dick sucked, phew!’ ‘If you blow on my breathalyzer and pass, I’ll give you the keys to your car.’ I said, ‘Ehh… set it up, n****, let’s play.’

I blew on that thing and it made a noise — BEEP! — and I said, ‘Uh oh.’ He looked at it and said, ‘Oh, well, Mr. Chappelle, I guess you’re free to go.’ And I said, ‘I am?’ I didn’t know that thing didn’t pick up weed! I drove home on the 10, 30 miles an hour.”

Befriending His Dog

Few things are as entertaining as pets when you’re high, but Chappelle’s dog seemed to be a nuisance until he discovered an unlikely byproduct of smoking up:

“My dog Baba was a menace. I hated his guts. Then one night I had smoked a bunch of weed and I was eating a sandwich, and the dog came over and was staring at me. This will make you very uncomfortable. I had to give him a piece of my sandwich so he would go away, and that’s how we became friends. Now if you see me walking down the street with him, I ain’t got no leash or nothing…

All my friends are like, “Yo Dave, that shit is dope. How you train Baba to do that shit?” I’ve never trained Baba, I’m just a messy eater. If my dog smells weed in the house, he’ll be like, ‘Oh, this motherfucker’s ‘bout to eat.’ And he’ll just come running.”