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feeling stucked

I just want to say something about me in these days. I have a 20 months babyboy and I feel I'm stucked in somewhere between him and whole life (if there is one). I know many of you have so many children and to have just a baby is piece of cake for you. but I feel I'm always nervous. And there is nobody who can help me to care him except me. We live in far from homeland and none of my parents can't do anything for me. We moved here (Almaty) just 3 weeks ago. I hardly find to arrange our belongings before our travels. And just a bit of time ago I begin to feel some kind of depression thing. For a week I started to cry a couple of time in a day. I didn't find any time for myself. And I feel so nervous myself and I feel I began to shout at him so much in these days. I can explain myself as a calm person. But it changed. I began to look for a nanny to have a break. before we had move here we had a nanny and I can find sometime for myself. I just wonder how you handled this or did you feel yourself stucked after your child? My baby has an obsession about me. He never want to be away from me even for a couple of minutes. And I really don't know what will I do. I just wonder and I just want to share my feelings..

First of all, a warm hug. Yes, you did good sharing it here. What you´re feeling is one of the most terrible feelings a human can have, and it´s harder if you´re alone and have no one to share. My experience is very little about this, as I don´t have any kids, but I entered on some motherhood support groups when I was trying to get pregnant for the first time (6 years ago - no babys yet but lots of unexpected things happened since them) and I remember reading lots of messages like yours, even from people who do have relatives in town. So, the second thing is: don´t feel the worst person ever, it happens to lots of women.

I don´t know if you had this idea before, but do you know if there is some kind of supporting group for mothers with little babies in your town? At least here, this groups usually have meetings once a week in which the participants can talk about the problems they´re facing, and they also have a "virtual" group (either a mailing list, or a facebook group) where people also share experiences. Those groups are also fantastic places to look for nannys, because the moms recomend nannys they know, who they have worked with.

I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from, and it will get better.
Participating in a supportive site like this is great because you have no obligations. You can do as much or a little as you want. PLUS, you can still be with your child and contribute and communicate with others. It's a great way to have "me" time while still being at home.
That's what I like the best about PS.

I have three children under three- two year old twin boys and a one year old daughter. And although I get accused of having everything together, I rarely if ever do. My motto is "Fake it until you make it." and one of these days/weeks/years I will make it.
Until then, I just take it day by day.

We also live far from family and have limited support. I do have a great nanny that I trust, and agree, she is critical to my sanity.
I'm sure things can only get better, but let us know what you're feeling, it will do a world of good for you just to get it out.

Hugs! I have been there too...It is hard...I found that I had to find times for myself whenever I could...that is why I digiscrap, I can take a few minutes while baby watches a cartoon or naps and just hit save when attention is needed. Hugs!

I found it harder with my first. I think it was all the adjustments you have to make that you thought you were prepared for but just didn't realise how great they are sometimes. I think all mums would agree they have felt like you feel sometimes. I agree with Lorien a support group can be great if you have one nearby even if it just gives you a chance to talk with adults while kids can play. If you have no support groups maybe talking to your doctor might help. Doing activities that you enjoy but can do from home when the little one is occupied is also a way to have some me time. For time when you just need to get out of the house alone for a while a reliable nanny would be great or maybe the babies father if he is in your life can take him for a while so you can have some time. If you can't find a nanny maybe a good daycare centre so you can have one day a week to yourself might be an option. I am sure things will get better and you probably already feel better just for taking about it.

I think you´ve already got some good advise from other members (Lórien, Tiffany, Amber and Wenjoy). So I just want to give you a warm "digital" hug and tell you that you´re not a bad mother, you´re not the only one to feel this way and it will pass and get better. Just don´t wait too long to get professional help if you feel that you need that - it just takes a longer time to recover and feel better again.

You can do this and will do it. Right now things are overwhelming with your move and your baby. Just take one day at a time, talk to others about every day things, and each day will seem a little better. And your baby's obsession with you...he's just loving you with his whole heart!

Thank you for your answer Lorien and sorry for delay. I didn't have much time to get online. So I didn't find any time to answer all of the messages.

Actually I'm better now. I wish to try your suggestions but It's not possible. Maybe there are some groups here as you said but they probably speak Russian. And my Russian is not enough to understand and join a chat. But there is a international women's group which I wish to join but I didn't have a chance to it yet. The weather is really awful here and prevent to go out with a baby. But I will do it as soon as possible.

Actually I was trying to have some "me" time as you said. Forums like this is really a chance to communicate with others and just to go a bit far while still being at home as you said. The only problem is I really have a little time to do such a thing. But I'm trying to do my best in these days. And something going better. By the way I like your motto so much. These kind of idea will work really. I think I wish to borrow it for a while

I fell fine right now. I try to have some me time and also I began to get an antidepressant. And they are really works. And I try to let it go the "being stuck idea" and just try to see the beautiful sides of the moments. They chanced something a bit and this "bit" is really precious for me. And right now we took another flight to our homeland and with grandparents I feel I'm better. I'm trying to catch all of the chances to be better And I will as all of you said.

You are right Amber. I'm trying to this via Scrapping too Sometimes I try to have a bit time for myself to let him to watch some more cartoons to have time. To watch tv for a little baby is not recommended but I think psychologists doesn't have child

Thank you Wenjoy (lovely name by the way). I'm trying to do something from home right now. And my husband helps me about it as you said. He take cares of the baby to let me free a bit. And this little chance to have breathe is really works for me. And also to send him one day a week to a daycare center is a really great idea. I don't want to send him a school yet because he is not big enough. But one day could be great for him too. I will search the options. And also you are right, just to talk with someone about the problem really helps. I feel better since I wrote about this. Thank you all for help )

Yes you are right Marie. He just love me and just want to be with his beloved mother and best friend. He just want to be with me When I thought that I feel I'm happy. And it makes simple things a bit.

Thank you all for your great advices and great interests on me. I don't know who are you and you don't know who I am but you are doing something great for me. Thanks for all again and again. You are great. I love you even if I don't know anything about you.

Kavel, so glad to hear things began to turn around for you! I wanted to mention a few other tips for the future and perhaps another mom in a similar situation.

Early motherhood is stressful on the body, not just the hormones and changes after pregnancy, but sometimes you throw in breastfeeding and especially lack of good sleep because of a baby/toddler, and it's hard! Even for the fathers!

So as many parents guard the Childs naptime, remember to guard rest time for yourself! We often don't realize that sleep is what we need as adults to! I have other health issues so I've learned to watch sleep and nutrition, healthy eating as well. We need at the very least, 4 hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep! Getting 6, or even 8+ hrs isn't all you need, if it's broken up by a young child crying, or something else else. They've done research with astronauts, because their time in space is so valuable and they pushed them to the limits, both physically and mentally and found this out! But then they still have problems if this goes on for long times. So getting that good rest helps put your body through a FULL natural sleep-cycle and gets you to the "Stage 4" sleep where at the end your body produces growth hormones that repair the everyday damage and aging of the body cells!

So the saying, sleep on it and things will look better in the morning is SO True!

I also had troubles when my kids were young because they none napped after 8-9 months old. If they did, they didn't sleep a 4 hr stretch at "night"! But for them and mom (I cannot nap either), it's still important to have quiet time, laying down, reading, listening to instrumental music and/or YES even if you cant get them to do something else quietly WATCHING TV, something good, is NOT only OKAY but good just to get the rest of activity and for the mind...TV you don't have to think like reading, but music is great to...no singing if you can help it!

Mothering is tough, praying you are also making so friends there, important though harder with the language barrier. Also love on your mate, it's very relaxing and good for you both and your children, cause when mommy and daddy are happy, then everyone's happy!

I understand. I really really do. If you can try not to shout it will be better for the both of you. Baby can't understand but can feel and this can make him frightened which could make him cry even more. So many of us have cried and gotten angry when the pressures of motherhood pile up and leave us feeling so alone. Go to church if you find comfort there. Pray if you can. Finding a way to get centered and calm is always good. The bible says that we all suffer temptation that is common to everyone. You are normal even in your troubles. Thank you for sharing your feelings. There is cleansing in opening up and being "real". All of us mothers share a bond of joy and tears. We truly feel your pain.
I'm glad you are finding ways to have some "me" time. I really like it when you said you were trying not to feel like you are stuck. You are so right, our attitude makes a big difference. And I can see that you are trying to find ways to meet people. I think all you needed was some time to think things through and to talk to other women even if it was here in the forum. You are not alone as long as there are people to think about you. I can tell you are in the minds of the women here. You are blessed.

I am pretty much echoing what has already been said, but I am going to say it again because I think it will help you to know that this is not an uncommon problem and you should not think less of yourself as a mother because of it. If anyone tells you having kids is a piece of cake, they are not being truthful and you should stop listening right there.

Reading your post took me back to when my children were young. We too lived far from family and never had anyone to help. (I did try to go back to work when our second child was old enough for preschool, but he had at that time un-diagnosed ADHD/Bipolar disorder and no-one else could handle him. Not even my aunt who raised four boys and ran a daycare, I tired getting her to watch him once when we were visiting, she lasted about an hour. He could not have been more than two at the time.) I too had many days of crying uncontrollably, and did not realize until years later that it was due to depression. A thought that came immediately to mind when I read your post, I am so glad to hear you have started anti-depressants, and that they are helping.

In addition, I would strongly suggest getting time to yourself. I know it can be hard, for the reasons already mentioned and more, but it is very, very important. You will not believe what a difference just and hour or two a week will do for you, and once your in a better mood, for your entire family. When I finally learned this lesson years ago, I insisted hubby watch the kids while I took a bubble bath once a week. I suggest you do the same, put on some of your favorite music, and/or get a good book, and just soak your troubles away. Hopefully you have a bathroom in your master suite so you can lock the bedroom door to keep the little one from knocking on the bathroom door. If not hubby will just have to do a really good job at keeping him busy. If that does not work, even a trip to the grocery store, by yourself, can be just the break you need. Again hubby can manage for a couple of hours, even if the little one puts up a fuss, it will be good for both of them. I know it can be hard, but I can assure you as mothers we have all gone through the separation anxiety phase. It is better for the little ones in the long run, to be separated from us now and then, even though they do not like it. Lets face it, neither do we.

Another great idea would be to join mothers groups, being new to the community it will help you build a social circle and you will have other mothers with children of similar ages to interact with. In America, depending on where you live, there may be a community mothers group. If not you can usually find them through you local church or library. Also doing things like attending story time at the library, free days at the museums, even a trip to the local park, etc., are also great (inexpensive) ways to get you both out of the house, break up the routine, and possibly make new friends.

Sending hugs and prayers. Feel free to contact me anytime you need someone to talk to, I completely understand how you feel and would be happy to help if I can.

I've been thinking today about the advantages of "me time" that includes Scrapbooking! It's not only a creative time, but it's focused around the positive things (well mostly, I've done some pages that were about disasters, but really they were "THANKSGIVING" pages, about how we survived or helped others through). Most pictures are about happy times, or things that make us happy. And for me, it's also about story telling and documenting these things for our children or friends, leaving a legacy.

Glad to see you are feeling better, Kavel. I missed this post, and wish I hadn't. I was going to suggest that maybe you see a doctor to see if it were possible that you were dealing with post-partum depression &/or might be having a hormonal imbalance of some sort. But obviously you must have done that already if you're taking an anti-depressant. Glad that's helping.

Have you tried having a nice cup of herbal tea (like peppermint, for example, which is calming to the stomach) and listening to some soothing music &/or nature sounds (ocean waves, etc.) when you feel stressed out? If not, give it a try... It's helped me a lot when I've been under a lot of stress. And prayer, during moments of quiet time (like when your child is napping), also helps... How is your sleep? Are you getting good, quality sleep? Enough hours of sleep?

Getting acclimated to a new area, without any close friends or family nearby is always hard - that's been my life for many years now, and I've always had a tough time with it too because I'm a bit of an introvert. Have you thought about finding a "playgroup" over there? Playgroups are awesome - they give you an opportunity to get to know & socialize with other mums, and they're a good outlet for your child to meet/play with other kids his age & hopefully make new friends. There were a couple playgroups in the last state I lived in (I joined one), and we went on all sorts of field trips with the kids & had a ton of fun (most activities were low or no cost, given most of us were sahm's). We went hiking, on picnics, had barbecues, and made day trips to apple orchards, pumpkin patches, sugar shacks (to see maple syrup in production), firehouses, lakes/ponds (swimming). And we'd often meet at a local playground & would chat while the kids played. Just something to think about. Sometimes your local library will have a bulletin board listing local activities and groups - that's how I found the playgroup I joined. That's a good place to meet people too - in the kids section (if they have one) - esp. at "storytime."

Kavel, I'm glad to read you are doing better. I log on to pixelscrapper nearly everyday ( a little addicted) so I'm here if you need me. You have gotten a lot of great advice and just know you are not alone.

Thank you Laura. They are really precious advices. I will keep them near on me
Actually I don't have any sleep problem. My boy allows me to sleep well without a break +4 hours. I can take about 7 - 8 hours sleep with a little water break. and on the mornings, I wake up so happy and in good mood. Just I try to sleep a bit late. Because I need some silence and after everone gone to sleep my lovely me time begins. If I'm lucky it takes about 2 hours or more (more part is really rare. but happens sometimes.) I'm sure everything goes well for me day by day. I'm pretty fine in these days. And I feel I'll be better

I did what I'm said by the way. I became a member of International Women's Club Almaty here and every tuesday I attend to a play group with children and parents. All of the children are around same age and they don't play together but we don't care so much To be with peoples is really good for all of us. And also I found a few friends too. I'm sure I will find some more soon. At least I know If I send an email to the group almost 10 people will come tomorrow to chat here. It's really great And also I did not decided yet about the nannies but that problem will solve soon I hope. There is a name list that I can use. It's really great. By the way I began to take Russian classes to survive in this old Russian country. To focused to something another from me and my son is really great. Maybe I have so little time to study but
doesn't matter. I can do it when he is around me. it's great. And he really likes to write down on my papers while I'm studying. I think I'm doing something right and I don't fell myself "stucked" for a long time.

You are great people. I really appreciate all of you taking the time for me.

thank you Michele. I'm really trying to change something in my life. at first I try to feel alone with my boy is near me. if he didn't sleep to take a little walk in silence really helps. he watches around when we are out and I feel like I'm alone and on the other hand, I attended to a group of international expat community in here (i don't live in USA by the way. I'm in Kazakhstan, Almaty). and once a week we meet in someone's houses for children and also to chat with each other. I found a couple of friends already. I'm sure I will find some more soon. And also I began to take Russian lessons. and it really helps to keep my mind away from me. this is really lovely and I feel myself better. Sometimes I can be angry but it's not something that I felt before.

all of your helps really works on me. and I will keep your to be alone advice as soon as possible. I'm sure my hubby looks forward to be a babysitter for his son

Yes I found a playgroup in the country for international expats' child. And for 3 weeks I'm going to the meetings. It's really great to chat someone on this meetings. we can talk anything except children Everyone has the same feelings and want to talk something normal I'm sure when the summer comes the meetings will be so exciting for children. but even if it doesn't we don't care. we are fine as parents )

And also I have enough sleeps at nights. I'm sure I'm lucky about it. My son lets me to sleep well.