Thursday, March 11, 2010

there are so many of us scattered around

sorry it's been a little bit. i went down the shore with my two friends for a few days. couldn't really post on this.

got drunk every night. two nights ago my friend Car and i got to talking. she saw the lines on my arms, told me how she used to do that. how she almost tried to kill herself. lying on the ground, knife aimed at her heart. i've never wanted to end it all like that, but we had people over that night and i guess i was flirting with some guy a bit, cause that's how i always am when i'm drunk, even if i want nothing from it, and my other friend just comes up to me and says in my ear "he's not into it, okay?".
so then i found something sharp, and cut up the skin on my thighs again. it had been a while, really, i thought i was done with it. apparently rejection or feeling unwanted is what makes me most want to do it. rejection's hard for me. i normally get any guy i want.

so car and i talked, and then we got to talking about our eating disorders, cause we both have them. she used to be anorexic, and she over exercised like crazy, and then she just became bulimic. i didn't know this, but she still is now. throws up two or three times a day sometimes. it was really different but nice to get to talk to someone who's been there, and is kind of in the same place right now. not someone who's going to try to tell me to stop, because she's in it right now too. not that you all aren't amazing, reading your blogs and getting comments is so helpful. it was just nice to know that one of my best friends knows exactly how it's going for me, but isn't going to tell me to stop. my two other best friends (the four of us hang out together) have had/sometimes still have eating issues too, but they always always always get mad and tell me to stop. i told her car i'd been successfully losing and wanted to keep going, and she just said "of course. we're always trying. always."

sometimes i wonder if this will ever go away. and then i wonder if i want it to. i don't. at least not right now.

i made new rules. in essence it's no day over 500 calories. i want to hit the double digits. and really, really want to hit 90 pounds before the spring semester ends and it will get more complicated around people to restrict. that gives me approximately nine weeks. to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds. i think. if i go really minimal on the eating (like under 100 calories a day), that it's totally possible. i think at the smallest loss, it would be three pounds a week. but it will probably be more, especially in the beginning, and more with exercise. also i'm going to start trying to buy adderall more often (even though i'm basically broke), like for the weekends and stuff so i don't have to drink but can have some sort of change, and there's the added bonus of it suppressing your appetite. also i'm afraid of any harder drugs, and my friends at my college don't really do anything like that. weed makes you hungry. plus i don't like it.

well, loves, i hope you're all doing really well,
sorry it's been a few days, comment or something, and i'll start commenting again because i feel like i've disconnected from you,
and to the couple of you i've been following who have just stopped their blogs, maybe for the hope of something better than this life, i wish you lots of luck and strength, i hope all goes well,lovelovelove&luck,anastasia kirstyn