A different approach to polyamory (I)

I’ve been in the alternative sex lifestyle thing for a while, and i have observed much and learned even more. I’ve also discovered a lot about myself — one salient fact of which is that I am polyamorous.

Wikipedia defines polyamory as follows:

Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly, and is sometimes described as consensual,ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is sometimes used more broadly to refer to relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies.

I added the emphasis in the above paragraph to the statements which jumped out at me. The latter is what polyamory had meant to me, while i was non-exclusively involved with more than one relationship at a time — but, while making no secret of my non-exclusivity, i also refrained from informing any of my partners of who or how many others i was being non-exclusive with.

If that makes any sense.

I added the emphasis on the former phrase because that really is how polyamory *should* be. In this elegant slut’s humble opinion, anyway. I say this not from some lofty, preachy, know-it-all height of moral high ground; rather because it is into this kind of polyamorous situation that i have tumbled and landed smiling, on a bed of roses.

Naked. 🙂

I met someone — if you’re read my last couple of posts, you’ll have figured this out all by yourselves. (Because, gentle reader, I love you not merely for the fact that you validate my very existence by reading my li’l ol’ blog, but also because you are independently intelligent and can figure stuff out.)

I met Purrrrvert, as he refers to himself as in the last few comments, through a social networking site where kinksters meet, greet and get down-and-dirty. He describes himself as dominant and polyamorous in his profile, and i knew of at least one person to whom he was (is) romantically attached — although i know of this because i knew of her before I “met” him.

Fast-forward to a couple of months later. After talking for a while, and then flirting a bit the question of moving beyond this point arose. A meeting was discussed — an ordinary, all-above-board, innocent cup of coffee meeting. Which duly happened. Because how would we know if we wanted things to progress yet further if we hadn’t had the opportunity to look deeply into each other’s eyes and catch a glimpse of the other’s soul? Hmm?

So from cup of coffee, innocent-or-no, we then progressed to the next stage. And this is what prompted the latter bolding in the paragraph above. He then made it clear that beyond a hug, nothing further would happen between us until he had spoken to his wife (Sub 1) and his other submissive partner (Sub 2, the woman I already knew), and find out how they felt about it.

When he told me this, I stared at him incredulously, my jaw slightly open. I may have even dribbled a little. I was shocked. Actually, to be more accurate, I was gobsmacked.

My experience to date was of two kinds of situations — one experienced first-hand and one experienced in a more voyeuristic manner.

The first: when i was with my former Dom, he was very open about the fact that he was polyamorous, but made it patently clear that this was the maximum information to which I was to be privy. Not who. Not when. Just the fact that I was one of many. Being inexperienced and green as I was, I thought that this was “par for the course” , and “the right way to be a submissive”.

I was wrong.

The second: there are many “polyamorous” relationships online about which i read. Several of the most notable of which were situations where, again, the male in the equation made no secret of the fact that he was not monogamous, but did not discuss or get approval from any of his partners regarding the others. It caused ill-feeling and jealousy and inspired mean-spirited bordering-upon-insane behaviour between some of the “polyamours”.

I do not judge nor do I cast apersions — I merely note. It is not the sort of situation in which i would want to be — not from either side.

I preferred this situation, the one I was in, theoretically at least. I just had no practical experience thereof, first or second-hand. In short, I was a little unsure of how to proceed — especially given that it would be open and known about by all concerned. To be fair to Purrrrvert, the numbering system is merely for dentifying purposes — as he says, so correctly “the only indivisible element is time — and when problems arise they are usually associated with that. But communication is the key.”

My first concern was that in no way did i wish to hurt or offend Sub 2, who, as I already said, I had known before I knew Purrrrvert, by making her feel as though I were encroaching on her territory or anything like that. Which was, I believe, a valid worry.

My second concern was that I was nobody’s tertiary anything — which was one of the first issues I raised with him.

“Do you… um… expect me to be… um… exclusive?” I asked, knowing full-well that were the forthcoming answer to be yes, my next sentence would end the aforementioned innocent cup of coffee, and that friendship was all that was our future destiny.

No chameleon, I.

Note: It wasn’t that I necessarily wanted to be with anyone else. I just wanted to be sure that my options were open, and i wouldn’t find myself swept away and feeling trapped.

But I digress.

He smiled — a smile that I have since learned can turn from sweet to evil in a heartbeat, not to mention desirous and lusty.

“No, not at all, Hey — I don’t even expect Sub 2 to be exclusive. I would have absolutely no right to do such a thing.”

Hurdle number one overcome. Next!

Afterwards, we sat in his car, still talking. It was difficult to stop. We just got on so well.

“So you’ll speak to them… when?”

“Well, I have initially spoken to Sub 1.”

“And?”

Blue eyes twinkled at me over his glasses.

“She said to have fun, and tell her all about it.”

“What about Sub 2?”

He looked me in the eye.

“I really don’t know what she’ll say. I suppose we’ll know sooner rather than later. I’ll see her the day after tomorrow, and we’ll talk then.”

20 Responses

[…] as of January 31, 2009 Posted by Wolf in Polyamory Today on 01 31st, 2009 | no responses A different approach to polyamory (I) – sapphirejay.wordpress.com 01/30/2009 I’ve been in the alternative sex lifestyle thing for a […]

This post is one of the reasons I love you. Excellent analaysis, thought-provoking, intelligent (you should write the thinky parts of kinky more often!), searching, yet also your trasemark elegant sluttiness come shining through.

Polyamory is a very curious lifestyle to us. As swingers, we obviously endorse the idea of non-monogamy, but most of the poly people we know seem to spread themselves too thin while trying to juggle multiple relationships. How much of that have you seen in the poly community?

Well, I’m not sure I’m qualified to make blanket generalisations — although, come to that, who is? I’ve seen a lot of irresponsible fucking around, mis-labelled as polyamory when in reality it’s simply taking advantage of others, generally without their prior knowledge or consent. I’ve also seen various degreesof honesty in so-called polyamorous relationships, buut the honesty alone did not compensate for the lack of notification, or regard for one person’s feelinsg over another — which is the big difference here. There were two existing parters, and I was to be the third — but it was down to how they felt as to whether it became a reality or no. (Watch out for part two, to find out how it went down.)

I never understood polyamory where both partners were not fully aware of what was going on and with whom. There seemed to be some trust issues somehow. I think it sounds far nicer for all concerned if everyone is fully appraised of everyone else and everyone has the opportunity to veto a new recruit.