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2.117 Pussy Galore

First off, if you’re Carole’s dad – stop reading this now. Seriously. It’s not actually about what it says directly below this apology but I’m worried what you’ll think of me after the first few paragraphs, so just stop now and look at something else. I won’t mind.

Porn.

There’s a sidebar on the BBC News Website which asks whether we can stop teenagers looking at porn online. The story is accompanied by a stock photo of some young people using a laptop. Because that’s what teenagers looking at porn would be like. They’d be dressed in pastel shades, in a well-lit room and, most importantly, have all their friends round. The gist of the story is that the Government is concerned that the internet – which they want everyone in the UK to have easy access to, remember – is a bit full of porn and that teenagers can get it far easier than you could in the olden days when you had to scrabble around under your dad’s bed, and rummage through all the drawers and wardrobes to find a well-thumbed copy of Playboy or something. Which you’d then take to school and show all your mates.

Maybe that’s what the Government is objecting to. Finding porn on the internet takes away from the social side of things. There’s no Big Society feel if you’re sitting in a darkened room with the curtains pulled cracking off some knuckle children, but when you take in a grubby, dubiously stained copy of Playboy for all your school friends to paw at then at least you’re socialising. Maybe that’s the main problem.

But porn is not the biggest problem on the internet. It’s not. It’s not even the second biggest. Okay, It might be the biggest or even the second biggest. I don’t really have any figures to back up these statements. For the purposes of this blog it’s not the biggest problem on the internet. The biggest problem on the internet is this:

CATS

I have a cat. I have probably, unwittingly, contributed to the problem. I might have uploaded a picture of a cat which, I can safely say, I have never done with porn.

But the internet is awash with cats. You can’t go anywhere without seeing a picture of a cat. A cat on something, in something, near something, pulling a face at something, running away from something, running towards something or under something. There are cats everywhere. Pictures of cats.

Pictures of cats with words on which are obviously what the cats are saying. Even though the cats can’t use words and probably don’t even know what half the things they’re talking about actually are.

Then there’s the videos of cats. Videos of cats near things, on things, in things, under things, running away from things, running towards things, trying to get in things and trying to get out of things. Then there’s the video of the cat which walks sideways when you put sellotape on it. And that ninja cat. And countless other cats.

The internet is awash with cats.

And everyone shares the cats. Look, they say, here is a picture of a cat doing something cute and adorable. Or here is a video of a cat peeping out of a hole. Or into a hole. Look it has its paw in the hole now. Oh look, just look at it. Isn’t it cute. Isn’t it cute. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Well, yes it is actually. But that’s not the point.

It’s not a new thing though. It’s not. Ancient Egyptians were known to love cats. We know this because of hieroglyphics. People look at the hieroglyphs and they say, ” Ah you can see that the Egyptians loved cats. They held them in high regard. Worshipped them even. You can see that.”

But, by studying modern culture, I think the experts have got it wrong.

The Egyptians didn’t worship cats. They liked cats. They thought cats were cute. But they didn’t have the internet back then. They may have had a Stargate, but they were sadly lacking in any form of worldwide web or browsing tools. So they turned to the walls of their buildings and they drew their own cat videos on the walls. And then they probably invited their friends round to show them the pictures of the cats. Cats on things, near things, under things, in things, running away from things.

“Look, Imhotep, look how the cat walks sideways if I stick a piece of bandage to his side. Oh, I have seen this drawing a hundred times and it still makes me laugh.”