Friends (TV series)

Friends is a sitcom about a group of friends in the New York City borough of Manhattan that was originally broadcast from 1994 to 2004. It was created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman, and produced by Kevin S. Bright, Marta Kauffman and David Crane.

Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

Ross: Yeah, and — and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that — that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.

Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.

Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

Ross: [talking about the baby's name] Wait a minute, why is Susan's name in it?

Ross: It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler: We can? All right, I'm trying that.

Joey: You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want, you just look down and there they are! How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe: You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.

Chandler: [thinking] Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

Phoebe: [about why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along] It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"

Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a second?

Joey: Sure.

Chandler: Your tailor...is a very bad man!

Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?

[Ross comes near]

Ross: What's up guys?

Chandler: Joey's tailor [Pauses for a moment] took advantage of me.

Ross: WHAT??

Joey: Frank? No No. I have been going to the man for like 12 years.

Chandler: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite...

Joey: What?

Chandler: Cupping.

Joey: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Joey: Alright, alright, alright. I was young, and I just wanted a job, okay? But at the last minute, I couldn't go through with it. So they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't, 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

Everyone: Wow! Whoa!

Monica: That is WILD!

[Everyone immediately turns back to Chandler and his third nipple.]

Ross: So what's it shaped like?

Phoebe: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

Joey: What happens if you flick it?

[Everyone is watching Joey's porno movie.]

Julie: So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.

Chandler: Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

Chandler: I remember my father dressed in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody see him, but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble, crash into something, and wake everybody up.

Rachel: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.

Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?

[The gang is exchanging Christmas gifts]

Chandler: Ok, I guess that just leaves the gifts from Joey and Chandler.

Joey: I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.

Ross: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.

Joey: No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.

Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."

Joey: My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!

Phoebe: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.

Chandler: Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

Chandler: Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!

[Joey stops over at Chandler and Eddie's during breakfast to pick up his mail.]

Joey: All right, that's it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I need the juice!

Eddie [thinking what he's saying is a joke] I had this girlfriend, Tilly, and one morning we went to a restaurant and we got a huge stack of pancakes, and she says "Eddie," and I say "What," and she says "I don't think we should see each other anymore," and I immediately felt like she had torn out my heart and spread it all over my life. I feel like I'm going down a dark abyss and I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop! [laughs, Chandler looks at him funny] That wasn't such a funny story, was it?

[Chandler has just told Eddie to get out of his apartment]

Eddie: Well, that's kinda outta the blue.

Chandler: [Angry] THIS IS NOT OUT OF THE BLUE! THIS IS SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLUE!

Monica[gives Joey a jar of jam]: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant.

Joey: Aww. [tastes it] OHHHH!

Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked [holds up one hand], or, or a big tub of jam. [holds up the other hand]

Joey: [nods] Put your hands together!

Rachel: What happened to your jam plan?

Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.

Chandler: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.

Ross: What are you talking about?

Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.

Ross: What?

Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.

[Janice asks the six Friends if they have ever had sex with each other.]

Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!

Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?

Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.

Phoebe: Why, nobody good?

Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"

Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?

Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

Phoebe: This is like 60 Minutes, when at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then, you know, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.

Joey: It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.

Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.

Joey: Yeah, or — or to get a hooker.

Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.

[Chandler has been listening to an anti-smoking hypnosis tape for women without knowing it's for women, and Joey overheard the tape and inserted his overlaping recording into it to make Chandler stop listening to it]

Joey's Voice On Recording: Joey's your best pal. You want to make him fresh sandwiches everyday. You also want to buy him thousands of dollars worth of pants.

Ross: [Watching the fight on TV where Pete gets injured and talking to Monica] This is ironic. Out of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it now Pete can't!

[Monica has just broken up with Pete in the hospital and is walking out]

Pete: Wait. [Monica pauses] Could you leave a note? They've got me on a lot of pills, and I'm not sure I'll remember this tommorrow.

[Ross, Chandler and Joey are at Central Perk, talking about Rachel's 18-page letter.]

Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went went wrong in our relationship! She goes on for five pages about how I was "unfaithful" to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Chandler: If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!

Ross: Fine! But this breakup was not all my fault. And at then she goes, "If you accept full responsibility-full responsibility-I can begin to trust you again. Does that sound like something you can do? Does it?

Joey: No...

Chandler: Look, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel! If you bring this up, you'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Ross: You're right... Okay, I'll let it go. But you realize how hard it is to forget about it!

Joey: Sure it's hard! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that beach trip that we should [turns to Chandler] never EVER talk about!

Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey: It's between us and the sea, Ross!

Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break this relationship!

Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!

Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! I didn't finish the letter!

Rachel: What?

Ross: I fell asleep!

Rachel: You fell A-SLEEP?!

Ross: It was five-thirty in the morning. And you had rambled on for eighteen pages. FRONT AND BACK! [leaves the room, then turns around] And by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e means "you are". Y-o-u-r means "your"!

Rachel: You know, I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are soooo over!

Ross: [fakes beginning of sniveling and interrupts it saying...] FINE BY ME!

Rachel: And those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're home on Saturday nights playing scrabble with Monica!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Sorry! But I feel bad about all that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!

Joey: Kathy was being nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.

Chandler: What do you want from me?

Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damn difficult for you, then the least you could do is pretend!

Chandler: I AM pretending.

Joey: Well, then do it better.

Chandler: Okay, uh, what do you say I go over there and tell her how much I like her? [Joey gives Chandler a thumbs-up.] No, no, it'll be good. I can tell her how much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment we met. That I'm so fantastically over-the-top want-to-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!

Joey: Well, that's pretty good, but you might wanna tone it down a little.

Rachel: You know what else is really great about him? Oh, what is the word for an adult who doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?

Ross: Oh... [knocks his fists together at Rachel]

Rachel: What was that?

Ross: Monica knows.

Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up just to try to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger without actually having to give it. [to Ross] I remember I cried the night you made that up. It was the first time I realized I was cooler than my big brother.

Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, like that — only, instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time and garbage is all that has survived!

Phoebe: Yeah, but, Monica — do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase "That's not how your dad used to do it"?

Monica: [indicating each of the group in succession] Fine! Judge all you want to, but: [to Ross] married a lesbian; [to Rachel] left a man at the altar; [to Phoebe] fell in love with a gay ice dancer; [to Joey] threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire; [to Chandler] living in a box!

Monica: All right. Now most guys will hit one, two, three and then go to seven and set up camp.

Chandler: And that's bad?

Rachel: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.

Chandler: Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.

Monica: All right. Uh, the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. Keep them on their toes.

Rachel: Oooooo, toes! [Chandler stares.] For some people!

Monica: All right. You could start out with a little one, a two, a one two three, a three, a five, a four, a three two, two, a two four six, a two four six, four, two, two, four seven, five seven, six seven, [starts shouting] seven. Seven seven SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN [leans back in ecstasy with eyes closed and holds up the number seven]... And there you are.

Rachel: Yeah, that'll work.

[They stand up awkwardly. Rachel and Monica go in their rooms. Chandler goes into the bathroom. They all shut their doors.]

Phoebe: You know I'll be giving them the greatest gift ever.

Chandler: You're going to carry their baby and buy them a Sony PlayStation?

[At the doctor's office, Phoebe sits before a Petri dish with her brother and sister-in-law's embryos]

Phoebe: Hello, teeny embryos. I'm, I'm Phoebe Buffay. Hi! I'm, I'm, I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know that we're doing this for Frank and Alice — who you know! You've been there! You know, they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on! Okay? And, and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready to have them take you home. So. Okay. Oh! And, also, um, next time you see me, if I'm screaming, don't worry — that's what's supposed to happen.

[Ross begins the lightning round with questions for Joey and Chandler]

Ross: Correct. [Rachel gasps] In which part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? [Chandler thinks, then whispers in Ross's ear] EW, NO!! [Monica winces] Her ear! Monica categories her towels. How many categories are there?

Ross: If she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on, and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.

Joey: Way to be strong, man!

Chandler: I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault!

[Rachel is on a plane to London and talks about her reasons for her journey to a passenger across the aisle while another passenger is trying to sleep next to her]

Rachel: [to the passenger across the aisle] So then I realized, all the stuff that I had been doing-proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding-was all a way of trying to tell him...

Other Passenger: [waking up, irritated] OH, OH, OH, OH! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? I just want to say that you are a horrible, horrible person!

Rachel: [surprised] Pardon me?

Other Passenger: You say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life! I have to agree with your friend 'Pheebs'! This is a terrible, terrible plan!

Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!

Other Passenger: Why? He loves this Emily person! No good can come of this!

Rachel: I think you're wrong!

Other Passenger: [sarcastically] Oh, no! [puts his fist in his mouth and is about to put on his headphones]

[Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are all trapped in Monica's room. Chandler has his ear pressed to the door.]

Phoebe: Can you hear anything?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, someone just said, "Can you hear anything?"

[Joey is searching for something under Monica's bed. Monica turns around and sees Joey's butt sticking out from the top of her bed.]

Monica: Hey, Joey's ass. What are you doing?

Joey: [About Ross and Rachel] Well, remember when they had that big fight and broke up, and we got stuck in here with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, you know? So I hid this in here.

[Places a small box on the bed filled with candy bars and other things.]

Monica: Ooh! Candy bars, crossword puzzles...

Phoebe: Ooh, Mad Libs! MINE!

[Chandler finds a few condoms in the box.]

Chandler: Condoms?

Joey: Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth!

Chandler: And condoms are the way do that.

Monica: I'm really getting tired of always sneaking around all the time.

Chandler: Me, too. What if we went away for the weekend? No interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.

Monica All weekend? That's a whole lot naked.

Chandler: I'll say I have a conference and you can have a... uh... chef thing.

Monica: I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey!

Chandler: Okay! You know you're not, though.

Joey: That hotel you stayed at called. They said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.

Chandler[nervous]: Yes, that was mine.

Joey: I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it.

Chandler: That would have made more sense.

Joey: I don't even feel like I know you any more. All right, I'm just going to ask you this one time. Whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you or were you not on a gay cruise?

Ross: Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]

Monica: I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...

Ross: That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!

Ross: [after seeing Monica and Chandler through the window] CHANDLER! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING THROUGH THE WINDOW! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO MY SISTER! NOW GET OUT HERE!

Chandler: Well, we had a great run. What was it — four, five months? That's more that most people have in a lifetime. So bye, take care, buh-bye then. [kisses Monica and gets ready to jump out the window]

Monica: Where are you going?

Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lam.

Monica: Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?

Chandler: Well, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry's about fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.

Monica: So we've gotta go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.

Chandler: Honey, you've got to stop this competitive thing. Just to beat some other couple you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and... I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!

Joey: Hi, Ben. So you want to be an actor, huh? Well, I got to tell you, it's no picnic. There's ton of rejection. No stability. I mean, one day you're Dr. Drake Ramoray. The next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. It's a tough life. I mean, sure, okay you can get up whenever you want, watch T.V. all day, meet tons of women in acting class... Who am I kidding? I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life.

Ross: [speaking through the phone to the pens Company] Yes, Hello! I have a question, uhm!... I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. [something at the phone]... A beard and a mustache. [Something at the phone again] oh! Thank you!... [to Rachel] Yeah, it's not comin' off.

Rachel: [talking on the phone, drunk] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol. And you know, we would like some more beers, too... hello? Oh, wait... I forgot to dial!

Joey: Yeah, why don't you move in with me? It'll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies. And you know about Naked Thursdays, right?

Rachel: Yeah, yeah. I think I'm gonna find my own place.

Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursdays was just our thing, man!

Phoebe: Ninety percent of a woman's pheromones come out the top of her head! That's why women are shorter, so that men will fall in love when they hug them! [Ross is staring at Phoebe] Oh, come on, Ross, you're a scientist.

Ross: I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there will be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically, you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and live forever as a machine!

Chandler: And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?

Joey: Of course I did.

Monica: What exactly did you ask her?

Joey: "When can you move in?"

Phoebe: Me, I'm more free. You know, I run like I did when I was a kid because that's the only way it's fun. You know? I mean, didn't you even run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? You know, like when you were running towards the swings, or running away from Satan?

Chandler: [offering Joey a game of Playstation] Hi, my name's Chandler! I just moved in next door, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in battling me in a post-apocalyptic world for control of the galaxy's last remaining energy source.

Joey: Sure.

Rachel:[Referring to her boss Kim] She doesn't like me very much.

Chandler: That's great. Because my boss doesn't like me either.

Monica: My boss doesn't like me either.

Ross: Maybe it's like a universal thing.

Joey: Or maybe because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.

Ross: And that's the story of the dreidel. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolizing life's triumph over death. And that was, like, four thousand years ago.

Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.

Rachel: OK, fine! I’ll just tell Phoebe it’s an antique apothecary table, she doesn’t have to know where it came from. Oh, look at this! Little drawers! Oh look, look, it says that it holds... three hundred CDs!

Chandler: Ahhh, just like the apothecary tables of yore.

Monica: [to Janine] You know, you're not so quiet yourself, missy!

Chandler: [to Janine] And I'm blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it! [in a bad Australian accent] "Oh, Chandler, I just lost myself in the movement!"

Monica: [To Richard] Getting over you was the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, so I don't allow myself to think about you

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.

Chandler: Oh my...

Monica: Chandler... in all my life I never thought I'd be so lucky as to fall in love with my best — my best — There's a reason why girls don't do this!

Chandler: Okay, okay, I'll do it. I thought: wait, I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that is that you — you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?

Ross: ...and this girl is making eyes at him. After a while he goes over to her, and a minute later I see them kissing. Now you're thinking, "Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls!" And you're right, he's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls! [widens his eyes]

Ross: No, it's not that. What I'm gonna say to you I'm not saying it as your friend, I'm saying it as Monica's older brother.

Chandler: But you're still my friend ?

Ross: Not for the next few minutes.

Chandler: During this time, are you still my best man ?

Ross: Nope.

Chandler: Can I still call you Ross ?

Ross: Okay. You guys are getting married tomorrow and I couldn't be more thrilled for both of you. But as Monica's older brother I have to tell you this : If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass. [Chandler bursts out laughing] What ? I'm serious [Chandler laughs again] Hey dude ! Stop it okay ? I'm not kidding here !

Chandler: I hear what you're saying and thanks for the warning.

Ross: No problem.

Chandler: So we're friends again ?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: You won't believe what Monica's older brother just said to me !

Ross: Come on, I mean, you don't even like eating alone. How are you gonna raise a baby on your own?

Rachel: I DO SO eat alone!

Ross: When?

Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!

Ross: I don't know why you don't just admit it.

Rachel: Oh, please! You inhale your food!

Ross: I grew up with Monica! You didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

Joey: [Talking to Monica over the phone because he and Phoebe mistakenly broke down Monica and Chandler's apartment door ] Hey Monica, Phoebe and I smelled gas coming from your apartment.

Monica: Oh, my...! [looks at Chandler] Joey smells gas

Chandler: What else is new?

Monica: [to Joey on the phone] Well, you have to get in there.

Joey: Yeah, but you took away our keys. Would it be okay if we say, broke your door down?

Monica: Yes! Yes! Just get in, break the door down, whatever!

Joey: Okay, we'll do that. [Gives thumbs up sign to Phoebe]

Monica: [Arriving to the honeymoon hotel with Chandler and seeing that the honeymoon couple who got first class seats on the plane now get the honeymoon suite] No! No! No! You cannot do this to us again!

Man: Who are you?

Chandler: We're you 10 seconds later!

Monica: Everyone gives you special treatment because your on your honeymoon!The first class tickets, the honeymoon suite! No one cares that we're on our honeymoon!

Girl: Well take the suite if you want. [Hands them the keys] We don't need the stuff.

Joey: I once saw this movie where there was a door, and nobody knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open, millions and MILLIONS of bugs came POURING out, and they feasted on human flesh! [Looks at door nervously] You know, IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO RESPECT YOUR WIFE'S PRIVACY!

Phoebe: Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on the way out!

Phoebe: Well, if you're gonna get to know him then you'd better do it now.

Joey: Why?

Phoebe: Because I'm gonna kill him.

Joey: What? Why?

Phoebe: You guys were right, Parker's too excited about everything. I mean I'm all for living, but come on, this is the Geller's 35th wedding anniversary, let's call a spade a spade, this party stinks!

Joey: I know, I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, then when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!

Phoebe: Really? Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?

Joey: I dunno, I guess it could've been. I didn't really look at it. I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell outta there.

Chandler:[About Parker] Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.

Parker: My God, I don't want to forget this moment! It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all. Click!

Chandler: I don't think the flash went off.

Parker: Is something wrong?

Phoebe: Wrong? Really, you know the word wrong? Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical and aglow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!

Parker: Well, excuse me for trying to put a positive spin on a traffic jam!

[Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment, with baby Emma inside.]

Rachel: Oh, no! What if she jumps out the of the basinet!

Ross: Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.

Rachel: Oh, my...! I left the water running!

Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please just...just pull yourself together okay?

Rachel: Did I leave the stove on?

Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!

Rachel: Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and —

Ross: Oh, my, you know what, I think you're right! I think — you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!

Rachel: [beat] Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Phoebe: Pick up the sock, pick up the sock, PICK UP THE SOOOOOOOOOCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! [Her friends stare at her, scared] I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-di-did my little "outburst" blunt the HIDEOUSNESS that is this evening?!

Ross: And that's why, no matter what Mommy says, we really were on a break! Yes we were, yes we were! [picks up the baby] Oh, you're the cutest little baby ever! You're just a little bitty baby, but you got big beautiful eyes, a big round belly, and a big baby butt! [sighs] I like big butts. [sings the first few lines of "Baby Got Back." Emma starts laughing.] Oh, my, you're laughing! You've never done that before! Daddy made you laugh! Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot! You want to hear more? [sings another line and Emma laughs again] I'm a terrible father!

Ross: Guess what? Emma laughed today!

Rachel: What? And I missed it 'cause I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? What'd you do to get her to laugh?

Ross: Well, I sang... I rapped... 'Baby Got Back'.

Rachel: What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

Ross: Well... if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can... [Sees how angry Rachel is] Please don't take her away from me.

Chandler: No, no we're not together. We're not a couple- we're definitely not a couple.

Amy: I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of "Emily".

Ross: Emma.

Amy: [to Phoebe] Emma, Ross wants you.

Phoebe: PHOEBE!

Amy: [whispers to Ross] Why does she keep making that noise?

Amy: You know, this is classic Rachel!

Rachel: Yeah, right! Remember in high school, when I died and didn't give you my baby?

Amy: This might be my one chance to have a child. You know that I've been busy focusing on my career.

Rachel: What career?

Amy: I'm a decorator!

Rachel: You decorate Dad's office and you're a decorator! Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday. Now I'm a koala bear!

Amy: Why can't you be supportive?

Rachel: You want to talk supportive? You didn't come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby!

Amy: You didn't come and see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done!

Rachel: I did the first time! And do you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?

Ross: It's Emma.

Rachel: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?! [to Amy] I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responsibility of a child!

Amy: How hard could it be? You do it! [Joey laughs but stops when everyone stares at him.] You want to know why you don't want me to have the baby? Because you don't want me to be happy! You have always been jealous of me!

Rachel: Of what? Your lack of responsibility? Your immaturity? Your total disregard for other peoples' feelings?

Amy: To name a few! You were always like this. You have to have everything and I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy, do you realize how much that hurt me?

Rachel: [now suddenly hysterical] TIMMY WAS MY BOYFRIEND AND YOU MADE OUT WITH HIM.

Amy: Oh, Come on. That 20 years ago, Get over it.

[Chandler is livid at a china plate being broken.]

Chandler: All right, that's it!! This is our apartment and you can't behave this way! If you can't act your age, you shouldn't be here at all! Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're important to Monica! And I want you to apologize to her right now!

Amy: I'm sorry.

Rachel: I'm so sorry!

Chandler: That's better! Now I want you to apologize to each other, and mean it!

[The sisters apologize to each other.]

Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally arousing!

[The girls glare at Chandler and walk away.]

Ross: [to Chandler] Well done! If I die, Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma!

Chandler: Really? Thanks!

Ross: So... now do I get Joey?

Chandler: Okay. But you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose!

Rachel and Ross: (Knock on the door) Who is it?

Amy: It's your favorite sister!

Rachel and Ross: Jill?

Amy: Amy!

Rachel: Hide my rings!

Rachel: Emma, this is your first thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?

Rachel: [Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!

Monica: [Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]

Monica: [To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!

Joey: Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!

Monica: No, we weren't.

Joey: Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Chandler: [Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

Joey: Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]

Monica: You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!

Joey: Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.

Monica and Chandler: No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.

Joey: Hey, I gotta. Unless...

Chandler: Unless what?

Joey: Unless you name your first-born child Joey.

Chandler: What? Why?

Joey: Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.

Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.

Joey: [Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?

Joey: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me?

Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.

Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes. (Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the window.) Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working. (Joey does the "plan-laugh.") Don't, don't do the plan-laugh.

Ross: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.

Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.

Ross: Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again. (Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.) Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run!

Joey: Where?

Phoebe: Mexico!

[They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.]

[The friends are about to arrange the lottery tickets, in a bowl at the breakfast table]

Monica: Okay, alright, here we go. So, we need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. So, does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] Okay, how about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut. When did you get those?

Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic.

Joey: [sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how.

Rachel: Okay, well, Monica, suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?

Monica: Please. If I win the lottery, you guys are not going to leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of ya for three days!

Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her that what she did was wrong?

Chandler: [turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look like I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles, so SCREW YOU, THE TICKETS ARE OURS! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]

Monica: [jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]

Rachel: Alright, believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from us!

Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah. And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!

Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...

Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!

Ross: [Browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [Enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!

Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Olè! [Olé is spanish, but anyway..., and they speak Spanish in Agentina, but anyway...]

Ross:Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?

Rachel: [to Joey and Charlie] Oh my, are we supposed to answer?

Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own.

Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me?

(Grabs the bag that Charlie brought for Joey)

Joey: Uh actually, that's...

Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!

Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything.

Ross: So you two are...?

Joey and Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: And have you...?

Joey: No, no, no!

Rachel: No, no, no!

Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here, would you...?

Joey: Probably.

(Rachel looks at him)

Joey: No, no!

Joey: (To Rachel) Dude, chill! (To Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie.

Rachel: (To Ross) Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill.

Joey: Okay, Ross, I realize that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but... Let me explain, okay?

Rachel: We weren't doing anything!

Joey: Rach, he just saw us.

Rachel: Shhh.

Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is good.

Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some.

Ross: I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey.

Rachel: Ooy.

Ross: And to love. Ah, love. (Spelling out the word) L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?

Rachel: Oh my God, are we supposed to answer?

Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it that you two are together. And that one day you might get married and have children of your own.

Joey: Dude, are you okay?

Ross: Totally.

Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay.

Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.

Chandler: [When he finds out he won't be in the wedding] I can't believe this it's like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming, I mean the balance beam - help me!

Ross: Football!

Chandler: Thank you!

Phoebe: And... moment's over! [Rachel, Joey and Chandler all turn and look disapprovingly towards Monica but she just shrugs it off] So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... [She's flipping cards, skipping half of them] Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I [Monica is miming CUT] Ok, ok, I, ok, I.... [Yells at Monica]MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS [she mimes Monica's when she was twirling her hands] OR THIS [She taps her watch] OR THIS [she mimes CUT] OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! [Pause] You know what? You're done.

Rachel: You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care?

Ross: That's what it seemed like.

Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years you do not know one thing about me!

Ross: Fine. Then why didn't you say something?

Rachel: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I can't even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go. Okay? So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right? There's your goodbye.

Rachel:[crying, barely understandable] I don't know what I'm going to do without you!

[Phoebe and Ross are driving to John F. Kennedy Airport to find Rachel. Phoebe calls Rachel and tries to convince her to get off the plane in an attempt to stall her]

Rachel:[Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?

Phoebe: Rachel! Oh good! Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe:[to Ross:] For what it's worth, we would've caught her if we were at the right airport.

Ross:[sarcastically] Yay...

Phoebe: Uh, Rach, hang on. [Phoebe holds out her phone to Ross, but he refuses to talk and repeatedly mouths "No!"]

Rachel: Phoebe, is everything okay?

Phoebe: Um... actually, no. No, y-you have to get off the plane.

Rachel: What, why?

Phoebe: I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left phalange.

[A passenger sitting beside her has been eavesdropping on her conversation and shows signs of worry.]

Worried passenger: Um, ahem, what was that?

Rachel: Oh! That was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane because she had a "feeling" that there was something wrong with the "left phalange".

Worried passenger: Okay, uh, that doesn't sound good.

Rachel: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this and you know what? She's almost never right.

Worried passenger: But she is sometimes?

Rachel: Well?

[The man gets up from his seat and starts gathering his luggage from the overhead compartment.]

Flight attendant: Excuse me, sir? Where you going?

Worried passenger: Okay, I have to off this plane, okay? Uh, her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left phalange.

Rachel:[to flight attendant] Could I get some peanuts?

2nd passenger: What's wrong with the plane?

Flight attendant: There's nothing wrong with the plane...

Worried passenger: The left phalange.

Flight attendant: There's no phalange!

Worried passenger: Oh my...! This plane doesn't even have a phalange!

2nd passenger: Well I'm not flying on it.

Flight attendant: Ma'am, please sit down!

3rd passenger: What's going on?!

Worried passenger: We're all getting off, there is no phalange!

Rachel: Ah! This is ridiculous! I-- [she sees the passengers leave the plane and decides to leave as well] Yeah, okay.

[After failing to convince Rachel to get off the plane, Ross heads to his apartment in despair and finds a message from Rachel on his answering machine.]

Rachel: Ross? Hi, it's me. I just got back on the plane and I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I... wasn't expecting to see you and then all of the sudden, you're there and saying these things and... now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you... I love you... I love you... what am I doing? I love you. Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.

Ross: Oh, my god!

Rachel: [to flight attendant] Okay, e-excuse me--

Flight attendant: Ma'am, please sit down!

Rachel: No, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I needed to tell someone that I love them.

Flight attendant: Ma'am, I can't let you off the plane.

Ross: [listening to the conversation] Let her off the plane!!

Flight attendant: I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.

Rachel: Oh, please miss, you don't understand!

Ross: Try to understand!!

Rachel: Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you could just let me off the-- [the message cuts before Rachel finishes her sentence]

Ross: No, no!! Oh, my god, did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?

Rachel: [coming into room] I got off the plane.

Ross: You got off the plane.

[they passionately make out]

Rachel: I do love you.

Ross: I love you, too, and I am never letting you go again.

Rachel: Okay, because this is where I want to be. Okay, no more of this, I don't wanna mess this up again.

Ross: Me either, okay, we are done being stupid.

Rachel: It's you and me, all right, this is it? You and me, this is it.