POSTACRIPT:Teaching kids

October 22, 2001

esteem, respect

By Mike Dunn

I had just picked up Tylor Jane, our second-grader, and Harly Sue, our first-grader, and I was in the process of marshaling the girls to the waiting van outside of South Maple Elementary School about three weeks ago. It was the end of the school day and the school grounds were bustling with activity.

As we passed the school bus parked outside the front doors, I was remotely aware of the little boy calling to my daughter from the window. "Hey," he said to Ty, "there's a penny on the ground over there. Pick it up."

Tylor Jane looked up at the boy briefly. She was already following behind her sister and me en route to the van and didn't think she had time to retrieve the penny. So she simply shook her head.

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That's when the boy made his declaration. "You're stupid," he told her.

I looked up at the boy and told him that wasn't nice to say. And then I turned to Tylor Jane and told her not to worry about it.

It didn't seem to bother her, and I was glad for that.

But the more I thought about those words as I drove home that day, the more it bothered me. It wasn't just the words, but the way that they were uttered; the message was presented emphatically, like a statement of fact, as those kinds of personal insults are often issued.

I thought about the boy. Perhaps he was just giving out some of what he was accustomed to receiving. Maybe he has a difficult home life. Maybe he has older siblings who pick on him. Maybe he has anger in his heart that he is not able to vent properly, and so the anger comes out in ugly ways.

I asked Ty if she knew the boy. She didn't.

I don't even remember now what the boy looks like. I've been to the school many times since that day and have probably passed by him several times without knowing who he is.

The point really isn't the boy anyway. It is what the boy represents.

What strikes me about this incident - what has stayed with me since that day - is how vulnerable our children are to the ugly things around them. How many times will my children hear insults directed at them from their peers? How often will they be told they're stupid or ugly or ignorant? And how many times do they have to hear those words before they start believing they're true?

No young person is insulated from the damaging daggers of contempt that are designed to tear down one's self-worth. Or from the influences of those around them who don't have the same value system or who don't have respect for authority.

It is a fact of life. There will always be bullies in schoolyards and on school buses. There will always be those who like to pick on others who seem weaker or smaller. There will always be those who don't respect authority because they're not taught at home to respect authority.

So what can we as parents do to effectively fight back against these influences?

One thing is crystal clear: A child's home must be a buffer from the world. Children need to have positive reinforcement. They're going to be put down by peers from time to time, but they're not as likely to take these insults to heart if they have a positive self-image. If Tylor Jane hears from a fellow student that she is stupid, she is a lot less likely to take it to heart or to believe it if she has heard the message from Tonya and me that she is intelligent and has great worth as a person. But, to be truly effective, the right message must be communicated over and over again.

Children also need to be taught to respect authority and the feelings of others. These, too, are values that must come from the home (though they can be reinforced elsewhere).

Those who are taught to properly esteem themselves generally understand that those around them also deserve to be treated well. They're not likely to call others bad names or to issue insults.