Dreaming of a White Trash ChristmasShopping for gifts under 3 bucks with the Charlie Girl.

By Jessica English

NOVEMBER 24, 1997:
True, I'm known for my exquisite taste in men and fashion and
all things material. But I have learned a girl's gotta be penny-smart,
too. Though for years I've lavished expensive baubles and trinkets
on people I care nothing about at Christmas, an experience with
several credit card denials and Christmas-shopper-loathing, scissor-happy
sales associates led me into the torturous world of penny-pinching.
Depressed, feeling like some frumpy Mrs. Cratchet on Christmas
Eve, two of my dearest gentlemen friends took me to lunch to raise
my Christmas spirits. That fateful day at the all-you-can-eat
buffet changed everything. Adjacent to that palace of fine dining
was an Everything's 99 Cents store. Pulled by an unseen force
to the safety orange starburst signs in the window that screamed:
Scottish Terrier Porcelain Miniatures, 2 for 99 cents, we entered
the doors. In awe, we gaped long at aisles and aisles of miscellaneous
notions: racks and racks of hair doo-dads, pine cleaners, plastic
frames, Q-Bert keychains, Dionne Warwick Psychic Friends Network
Board Games, boxes of Cap'n Crunch printed in an unrecognizable
language. We split in three directions, calling: "Come here,
you have to see this!"

One-gallon tubs of hair gel in a rainbow of colors beckoned us;
our favorite was the thick, globby brown stuff, like so much used
motor oil from a Dodge Dart that's been ridden hard for months
across the desert. This one was special because, as the label
said, it contained "Real Aloe Vero." We grabbed a tub
for the office bathroom; our hair's been healthier, happier, shinier
ever since.

And that's when my whole life changed. I turn 180 degrees, and
see, next to an overflowing bin of thin cotton, pastel granny
panties, the Charlie Change Purse--a maroon snap-shut pouch made
of vinyl. The gold embossed, plastic cursive nameplate that adorned
the little purse read with a certain flair: Charlie (Must
be spoken only in your breathiest voice while winking and pointing
your fingers like a pistol, else suffer the fate of taking the
name in vain).

I threw my last wadded-up dollar on the counter enthusiastically,
took that Charlie Change Purse home and filled it with pennies.
Since, I've been known far and wide by my gentlemen friends as
"The Charlie Girl," as I wander these stores of wonder
and oddity, buying gifts. So in the spirit of giving and light
and love and imitation leather that's embodied in the sacred purse,
I share with you my finds so that you may not go into the bargain
world alone, my friends, this Christmas Eve. Charlie Girl is with
you.

Welcome to my plastic bag of bargain booty, collected in only
one hour at MacFrugal's, just one of my many wonderlands. (There
are throngs of others, like Lot$ Off and Everything's 99 Cents.)
Christmas shopping is done. Hallelujah.

In the name of the father (Charlie), the son (Charlie Jr.) and
the Charlie Girl. Amen.

The 1998 Dream Cars 16-Month Wall Calendar, 99 cents

The New Year's Eve midnight kiss is already on the mind Christmas
morn. Get on his list with a hot calendar that will remind him
of you from January 1998 through April 1999. You're nearly immortal
now. A 1996 McLaren with doors open wide above like a landing
falcon. A silver Viper RT/10 Roadster against a night sky alive
with lightning. Ooooh. No babes in this car cal. The better to
picture me in it. (Psst: Guys, you can get your girl a
cal with cute, fuzzy kittens or sad-eyed puppies to inspire her
for a year and a third.)

My Favorite Butthead Mug, $1.49

Say it with a coffee mug. The cupboard is like the arc of the
covenant, guarding sacred proverbs emblazoned on stained coffee
mugs. They mystify, enlighten, endear. Give that charming man
o' yours a piece of the poetry inside you with the "My Favorite
Butthead Mug," accented with a little red heart that shows
how much you really care.

Elvis Aftershave, $1.99

I saw Elvis at MacFrugal's. And he said: "Baby, I can't wait
to get out of these bagpipes and into some aftershave." I
said, "Uh-huh," and bought some for my main squeeze,
Charlie Ray.

Decorel Kids, 3 1/2-by-5 Photo Frame, $1.99

Gramma Jessie, bless her heart, has photos hung on every square
inch of her Wheatland, Wyo., home. This year, Gramma Jessie says:
"Well, hell kertoot, if you must get me something for Christmas,
just give me a picture of that little man." That is, she
wants a picture of me and Charlie Ray's love child, Charlie Jr.
She'll love this puzzle-piece frame.

Tidy Pets Pet Portrait, Three Magnetic Photo Frames, 99 cents

My sister, Randi, has one of those double-truck, almond-colored,
ice-making, water-pouring fridges. And a deep freezer in the garage
to boot, on account of her husband Mac's big score on wild game
each season. She loves magnets. This Christmas, we're sending
her pictures of our extended family--Hijole, our chihuahua; Beatnik,
our cat, and Jello, our goldfish--with a set of nifty paw-print
deco magnets to stick to her fridge, her deep freezer or the bumper
of her Gran Torino.

OK, so I'm pushing my spending limit here. But, really, this is
like a Harlequin romance and designer perfume all wrapped up into
one. And Mom's worth it. She's been saving tips for months to
buy that CK1 (you know, the stuff that's made for a man or a woman--poor
thing.) I thought it was high time to show my mother what it's
like to feel like a real woman, like a Charlie Girl. Like one
of those titilating paperback love stories, you get that steamy
feeling from the back panel: "Romantic Illusions. Where fragrance
and fantasy become one. Inside Romantic Illusions, meet eternal
lovers torn from the pages of time ... inspired by fragrances
that capture their spirit, their passion, their dreams. At last,
your favorite fragrances, set in a world of romantic fantasy.
To keep for your own or give with all your heart." This one
goes out to you, mom.

The Birth of Jesus Coloring Book, 49 cents

Put Christ back into Christmas this year with "The Birth
of Jesus Coloring Book" in all your loved ones' stockings.
(Don't worry, the Second Commandment does not condemn for coloring
images in his likeness.) Just say: "Jesus, I love you."
There, now wasn't that easy?

CapBackers, (Comic Book) Sound Effects I, 59 cents

With this genius idea, your big brother (who lives still at home
with your mother) will feel like he's in an Adam West "Batman"
show all the time. The "sound effects" hook over the
adjustable snaps on a ball cap. He can express his individuality
and innermost thoughts with 12 different sayings: "Huh?!,"
"Kablam!," Kerunch!," "AAAAAAgh," "ZZWAT!,"
"Pow!," "What ...!" "Kapow," "GRRR
...," "Whumpt," "Wham" or--get this--"Shrak."
Omigod. That's totally how I feel. It's like a bumper sticker
for your head and so much better than a "Kick Me" sign.
(Keep looking for new, exciting series.) Remember, onamatopeia
promotes inner peace. Let it out.

Holiday Highlights, Party Forks, $2.99

Embellish on the relish tray of any holiday host or hostess with
this set of pickle-grabbin', olive-pickin', vienna sausage-fishin'
forks. A candy cane, a Christmas tree, Santy Claus and the Nutcracker
are handles of these cutesy little serving implements. The hostess
with the mostess will think you're even more. (Do I really need
to tell you that, indeed, you are?)

Brud Fashion Accessories, Brown Furry Headband, 79 cents

It looks like bear fur; it feels like a bathroom throw rug. But
do not be alarmed: No animals were harmed in the production of
this headband. Feel a little bit ski bunny, a little bit rock
'n' roll in this pair of ear muffs gone horribly wrong. Bond with
the divorcee next door; spread Christmas cheer to her with the
gift of a furry headband, sexy in its own caveman sort of way.

James Brown Spank, $2.99

Ambient music for your mother-in-law's post-roast-beast feast.
Featuring "Part 1 of The Spank" plus "Superbad,
Superslide" and the ultimate holiday anthem: "For Goodness
Sakes, Look at Those Cakes." Plus, enough "Owwww"
to last the whole year through.

"I'm Having a Bad Hair Day" Doll, $1.99

Girlfriend, I know what you mean. Her package says--and we girls
just need to hear it when gel with "aloe vero" isn't
enough--"But tomorrow will be better." Includes doll,
hat, comb and brush. That little girl who looks up to you will
be inspired by your strength, knowing everything will be OK; everybody
has a bad hair day.

Tracey Troll Doll by Russ, $1.99

Move over, Barbie, now there's somethin' meatier. Tracey Troll
was made for kickin' Barbie's ass, and that's just what she'll
do in this sleek, side-slit evening gown with rhinestone ornaments
and pink feather boa. Oh, and that purple buffont do; that toothless
smile; those big, brown, complying eyes.

Red and green Silly Putty, inside the egg and out. How festive,
how thoughtful, how utterly genius.

Rule No. 3: "The Real Liquid Solid"® makes everybody
happy. (We made it once in chemistry class; it was cool.)

Gooey Louie Gooey Maker, $1.99

In last year's Gift Guide, Weekly Alibi published "Toy
Gory," a story about the new toys on the market. I was so
endeared with the Gooey Louie nose-pickin' game, I've not been
able to shake it from my head. I lay awake each night, thinking:
"Why didn't I invent it? Why not me? Why? Why? Why?"
Crushed, I've found my only relief in other forms of this booger
fascination. Namely, picking my nose in the car and in the game's
two other incarnations: the Gooey Louie Squirter (Aiyee! That's
a bang-up time!) and the Gooey Louie Gooey Maker. So happy was
I that I could share my fascination with little Charlie Jr. when
I found the Gooey Louie Gooey Maker for under $3 at MacFrugal's.
This is a one-man game: Load Louie up with gooeys (which look
exactly like Taco Bell green chile, container and all) and "Press
His Brains for Action You Won't Believe!" More fun than looking
in your own Kleenex after blowing. A legacy continues ... .

Where's Waldo Picture Frame, 50 cents

Who cares? He's a dork. Put your picture in the Where's Waldo
Picture Frame. Give it to your nephew. Break the news to him gently:
"Waldo's not in the picture, honey. There's no such thing
as Waldo." Christmas, 20 years later, send your nephew a
box of chocolates in the state mental hospital.

Booze Is Best...

Corkscrew & Nutcracker Set, $1

One more gift ... it's 11 o'clock. Grab this red corkscrew and
nutcracker set--naughty in a Freudian word-play kinda way, nice
in a 'tis the season kinda way--and head on down to the nearest
liquor store (open until midnight). Anything under $3 would not
need a corkscrew to open, and that ruins the whole thing. So splurge.
Soon there will be 365 shopping days left until Christmas. Run,
Rudolf, run. Your best bet is to go to the nearest grocery store.
Grab a $6 bottle of Corbett Canyon Cabernet Sauvignon (OK, I don't
know squat about wine; I just like the shape of the bottle). Grab
yourself some Southern Comfort; you're worth it. Scoop up a pound
of mixed nuts. Throw the nuts in a Butthead Mug, or a gawdy, gold
spray-painted bowl or plastic Santa-shaped tray--whatever you
have from our shopping extravaganza--and tie a red ribbon on each.
Get drunk. Wait up for Santa. Eat his milk and cookies ... fat
bastard's always late.

You are done. You only spent about 30 bucks on the whole shebang.
Remember, every good deed you do comes back to you sevenfold.
And Charlie Girl's been so very, very good. You have kept the
spirit of Christmas alive again this year, my frugal friend. Now,
doesn't that make you feel good? Doesn't that make you feel a
little bit Charlie?