Month: February 2017

Washington, DC: US President Trump held a meeting yesterday with a death panel of the nations largest health insurance company CEO’s.

They discussed the most favorable way to repeal the Affordable Care Act (ACA) or Obama care as it is most commonly called.

While no one specific type of plan was decided on, they all agreed that the best way to proceed was to only cover healthy young people.

Americans with pre-existing conditions and the elderly would all be left to fight over a drastically reduced pool of Medicaid and Medicare funding until they all filed for bankruptcy and died off.

This would maximize profits and make their shareholders very happy, ensuring the highest possible bonuses and compensation packages for each of the respective CEO’s and their board of directors.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask the President a few questions after the meeting.

When asked if such a plan would do irreparable damage to the medical industry and the very fabric of American society, even possibly causing it to collapse, the president replied.

“Mocksham, I like you. You are the only fake news reporter I will ever talk to. Yes, the American health care system and society could fall apart bigly if we move to a vouchering or healthier savings account type of system, but sometimes you have to tear something down in order to make it even biglyer”

“Who would have thought that profiting from health care and boosting Wall Street was so complicated?”

“Besides, when all that bad stuff happens I will just blame all the sick people.”

Washington, DC: World Bank Group President Jim Yong Kim announced today that the entire global economy of planet Earth (worth $120 trillion US dollars) is basically a huge payday loan owed to the Ferengi Commerce Authority, the FCA.

Kim also announced that the total debt owed to the FCA is a staggering $215 trillion US Dollars and it is due by April 15th, 2017, the start of the new Ferengi solar fiscal year. Kim is hoping that he can negotiate a payment plan with the new Ferengi Grand Nagus Brunt.

“We do not want the Earth’s economy to be placed in the Ferengi Vault of Eternal Destitution,” Kim explained. “They would want to make our Earth women their slaves.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to interview Grand Nagus Brunt at area 51 in Nevada.

When asked by Mocksham what the chances are of a default and Earth being placed in the Eternal Vault of Destitution, Grand Nagus Brunt replied,

“I am not as flexible as Grand Nagus Rom or Zek were. I am hoping that the Board Of Liquidators will accept an offering to the Blessed Exchequer of a few million bars of gold pressed latinum as an act of good faith to expedite a debt repayment plan.”

Brunt laughed when he was asked if US president Trump was involved in the negotiations.

“The Ferengi rules of acquisition are pretty clear. The Ferengi Commerce Authority and Board of Liquidators are not to be trifled with.”

“There is no chapter 11 in the Ferengi rules of acquisition. Sorry, President Trump.”

Washington DC: Sources inside the White House have leaked that communications director Sean Spicer held a meeting with the entire staff in an attempt to stop further leaks inside the administration.

In a phone conversation with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, our clandestine White House source whom we will only call “Liquid Plumber” let this leak out,

“Spicey ordered all of us into his office for a closed-door bitch out session. He told us that there are entirely way too many leaks and he ordered us to all attend a local plumbing class on how to prevent and repair leaks.”

“Then he ordered us all to place our phones on his desk and told us that they were all going to be checked for water and other types of leaks.”

“When we got our phones back they all had a do it yourself plumber app called ‘Leak stopper’ installed on them.”

“Then we were all handed a bucket with a bag of rags and were told that we were to carry them with us at all times and that if we spotted any leaks we were to promptly stuff them with the rags and place the bucket underneath it.”

Washington DC: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell(R) from Kentucky explains that the main reason he does not spend much time in Congress or meeting with constituents is that he can only survive outside of his turtle shell for short periods of time.

When asked why he will only meet with donors at paid in advanced dinners, or by RSVP he replied,

“I can only survive outside of my shell for a few hours a day, 6 hours or so, and for around 120-150 days a year max” the Senator explained to Mocksham.

“I have to maximize my time without it. I can’t waste any on Joe Blow constituents.”

“This is the main reason I have very little public exposure, I don’t want to die. I have to place my own survival as a priority over others. It’s my nature as an amphibian reptile. Turtles have survived for millions of years because we are basically very selfish. This suits me fine as a conservative politician.”

“I can tell you this Mocksham since no one ever believes anything your website publishes anyways. You guys admit that you are fake news, hahaha. Brilliant.”

“And I don’t mind passing legislation that hurts the middle class, poor, sick and elderly. Or that damages the environment. I am a cold-blooded creature that adapts to anything.”

Washington DC: President Trump and White House chief of staff Reince Priebus announced to the media today that the administration has hired 60-year-old advertising cartoon character Mr. Clean to “Go inch by inch and clean up this huge mess we inherited both economically and in foreign policy” Priebus said.

The President made a statement to the press gathered in the Oval Office,

“I inherited a huge mess. The worst mess in the history of our country. It’s so messed up around here let me tell you. What a big mess. So bigly believe me.”

“I have never seen a mess this big since the last time I filed for chapter 11.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak to Mr. Clean and asked him just what mess the President was specifically speaking about.

“I have no idea really, looks pretty damn shipshape around here, easiest cleaning gig I will ever have,” Clean said with a glow in his eye and a shining sparkle in his teeth.

Echoing Priebus, President Trump made one final statement and then dismissed the media without taking any questions,

“Mr. Clean is going to go inch by inch and stain by stain with his magic eraser and wipe away all the brown spots left behind from the last administration and make this place sparkling white again.” Trump proclaimed.

New York, NY: Wall Street was all a twitter today as pharmaceutical giant Pfizer went public with its new male contraceptive drug named Noassitol.

The FDA made a fast-track decision on the approval of Noassitol. Many of the trial users admitted that they did not have any problem failing to impregnate any women during the intensive test period for the new medication.

However, more than a few wives of the trial patients had complaints about unwanted side effects. Betty Disconsolate of Humptulips Wa. was livid and very animated in her disapproval of the new birth control drug for her husband Richard.

She let it all hang out at RFN reporter Andy Mocksham,

“I would love to not have an unwanted pregnancy, but I would also like to have my Dick be able to do the dirty deed” She exasperated.

“Richard has lost all interest In me. He just plays fantasy sports and video games all day.”

Richard said this to Mocksham,

“I told her that I was totally into fantasy sports and gaming, to begin with,” he said. We don’t need any meds.”

Pfizer spokesperson Ivana Viagra said this to our reporter Mocksham,

“We do expect the sales of Male enhancement and erectile dysfunction pills to skyrocket now that Noassitol has been approved by the FDA.”

When asked by reporter MockSham if there are any warnings for Noassitol, Betty Disconsolate grabbed the bottle and searched the fine print on the prescription label.

“Wow, listen to this,” she said, eyes wide open,

“If you cannot achieve an erection for 40 days and 40 nights, then call your Pastor and make a prayer and hope request post on social media.”

Brussels, Belgium: US Vice President Mike Pence met with EU leaders today and spoke in front of the EU Parliament in Brussels.

Pence spent most of his time meeting with various EU leaders listening to their apprehension of events inside the EU with the UK-BREXIT vote, US President Trumps negative rhetoric towards NATO, as well as his coziness with Russia.

Pence reassured the EU President, Antonio Tajani, that even though Donald Trump won the election and was inaugurated, Barack Obama was still running the country’s foreign policy behind the scenes in a “Shadow” government.

When grilled by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, Pence said,

“Trump thinks he is running the show, but he doesn’t read anything but Breitbart and watches Fox News, so no way anyone will let him make important decisions. I don’t have any experience either, I’m basically a numskull.”

“The Nuclear football? Seriously?”

“They don’t let anyone in this administration within one square mile of that thing. The one the media shows people is a decoy.”