Shared values not key in making marriage work; romance, respect matter more

There has been a push in some sectors of the Orthodox Jewish community for young men to get married at a very young age. Jewish tradition suggests that the age of 18 is the age of marriage. In line with this, these rabbis are suggesting that young men get married at the age of 19 or 20.

This is not the forum to discuss the rights and wrongs of this idea. Recently, however, I read an article by one of the major proponents of early marriage for young men.
Itâ€™s an argument that has been made by many other proponents of arranged marriages. They say that common values are what are needed for a successful marriage. They argue that romantic love will always fade. If there are no common values, then the marriage will die together with romantic love. They bring up the high U.S. divorce rate as supporting their argument.

This is a flawed argument, of course, because values often change with time. This is especially the case when a person gets married at a very young age. If an individualâ€™s opinions, and thus values, remain the same at 40 as they were at 20, it means that he or she has not grown at all.

Values and opinions are ultimately determined by knowledge and maturity. As one gains knowledge and perspective with age, opinions change and so do values. Clearly, success in marriage cannot hinge on shared values and opinions.

So what is the secret potion necessary for a successful marriage?

Attraction and romantic love is certainly important, but of course itâ€™s not enough. One also needs to be personally compatible â€” the relationship needs to work and flow. The most important component of this is the ability to communicate in a manner that is respectful and appreciative of one another and not egocentric and selfish. No two people will ever have exactly the same view on every topic. How, then, do you behave when you disagree with your spouse? Can you still be respectful and appreciative of each other?

We have friends of which one spouse is an atheist and the other is deeply religious â€” they have been married for more than 40 years. The level of respect they have for each other is truly inspiring. These two people have mastered what it takes to have a successful marriage, and itâ€™s not shared values and opinions. Itâ€™s the ability to disagree with your spouse and still respect and love them for the people who they truly are, rather than for who you would like them to be.

A study done in the UK last year shows that when couples fight they mostly quarrel about silly, trivial issues of very little importance. Couples that are able to navigate the small things without getting into ego battles will also be able to navigate the big issues, such as differences in values, beliefs and political opinions.

This ability to be respectful and decent is what can turn romantic love into its much deeper and more powerful brother: mature, lifelong soul-mate love. But without the romantic love and attraction coupled with real compatibility no amount of common values will help a marriage endure. Thus, one thing seems certain, getting married very young based on shared values alone is certainly not “the” recipe to a happy, long-lasting marriage.

Where is your moral compass pointing? What are your social values? Hark will explore faith, morals, ethics and character at the intersection of religion ethics, culture, politics, media, science, education, economics and philosophy. At times this blog will alert readers to breaking news and trends. At times it will attempt to look more deeply into intriguing subjects. Hark means to listen attentively, and we will, as readers talk back to the news.