Ignore the Movies: ‘Romantic’ Gestures Are Creepy

I’ll often groan when a movie uses a sweeping romantic gesture to nudge the plot along to its natural conclusion. The guy does something wildly over-the-top and ludicrously romantic to win over the girl’s heart and, consequently, our two always-outta-luck characters get together. The next and final scene shows them as happy as an eHarmony ad: they’re playing ball on a deserted beach with a friendly looking Golden Retriever, or walking down the aisle as confetti’s thrown on them by less attractive-looking friends (the comic relief).

The subliminal message here is: do something crazily romantic and you’ll seal the deal. According to these movies the bigger the gesture, the better! The more insane the gesture, the more lovable you are! The shorter the amount of time you’ve known her, the more romantic!

♦◊♦

In Love Actually, Colin Firth catches his girlfriend in bed with his brother. He flies to France and quickly falls for a Portuguese housekeeper. Neither of them speaks the other’s native tongue (although they do share a thrilling moment of saving typewritten pages from blowing into a lake), so their first conversation is when he arrives unannounced in her hometown with a rudimentary grasp of Portuguese. Rather than covering some getting-to-know-you basics (“So you’re a housekeeper … did you have to go to college for that?”), he goes in for The Big Proposal. Beautiful, right?

“Love Actually” (2003)

Not really.

Let’s rewind to the moment when Colin finds his girlfriend in bed with his brother. His speedy proposal to someone else shrieks rebound in neon flashing lights.

I don’t think men are lining up to watch Love Actually or other romantic movies with similarly bizarre moments (you can strike The Notebook from your Netflix queue as well), but perhaps through a process of detached osmosis (e.g., it was playing in the background as you helped Mom carve the turkey, or an ex knew all the lines by heart and quoted them at inappropriate moments, etc.), men may have picked up on the misleading message embedded in these movies: that women want romance—lots of it, and the sooner the better.

♦◊♦

A couple of years ago I found myself embroiled in an intense relationship by the middle of our second date. He complimented my outfit, my hair, my smile, and the softness of my skin. I shifted uneasily. Did I not like compliments, he asked? I explained it was too much too soon, that it felt like he was falling in love. His response was an unequivocal: “But I am falling in love with you”—met by stunned silence. The following week he asked me to meet his mother. I panicked and said no. Unsurprisingly our relationship never reached the one-month mark.

Another time I was standing on a train platform with a friend when it began to rain. I didn’t have an umbrella so we shared his. Huddled beneath it, waiting for the train, we talked and drew closer and closer until we were kissing. The next day the receptionist called to say a man had stopped by the office with an umbrella for me. It was lovely, very old-fashioned, very Brief Encounter (without the affair part). I wanted to adore the gesture, but combined with a frenzy of excited emails and texts, it felt intense and I found myself back pedaling.

“Brief Encounter” (1945)

The umbrella part was sweet though, right? So maybe I’m the one with the problem?

I checked with friends and they’ve been through similar experiences. They agree that, early on, signs of devotion aren’t good—they’re off-putting. One friend was enjoying a pleasant second date until the guy declared he just knew they’d get married one day. She laughed it off nervously. Each time they met he continued to mention their pending marriage, until the day she ended it.

Another friend was on a seemingly great first date. They loved the same movies! They had the same sense of humor! But after two hours his enthusiastic crows of agreement felt forced. Everything she said he agreed with. Every joke she cracked was hilarious. She felt he was trying too hard to prove they were instantly compatible. It had the opposite effect: Man this one’s laying it on thick.

♦◊♦

There are two reasons why women don’t swoon instantly when greeted by an overload of ardent feelings or romance.

The first is about balance. There are opposing roles in every relationship; this applies not only to marriage or romantic relationships, but to roommates, siblings, or friends. The roles are fluid and they switch depending on the task in hand, but tend to go like this: one person is more detail-oriented and sensible, they figure out what time the movie starts and which train gets them back into the city in time for brunch with relatives, while the other adopts the role of being more impetuous and fun.

During those first few dates, the same principles apply. If one person comes on too strong too quickly, the other tends to take a step back and slow down. While the boy was busy telling me he loved me on our second date, I was thinking, I’m still figuring out if I even like you—how can I POSSIBLY catch up to the level of feeling you already have for me?? It was a huge amount of pressure. I couldn’t get to where he was fast enough. I couldn’t see the scales balancing out, which meant they never did.

The second reason we don’t like it is plain cynicism. Some people just love to fall in love. The serial monogamist transitions from one relationship to the next. He wants to ignore dates two to twelve and get to that really cozy stage where his friends merge with hers and where he finishes the anecdote she begins and she polishes off the crème brûlée he ordered. It’s what my friend sensed on her first date. And while it’s lovely that he likes to be tactile and couple-y and include his new girlfriend in everything, often it transpires that he loves having a partner, rather than loves his specific partner.

Women sense when they’re filling the gaping void left in a man’s life by his ex-girlfriend or ex-fiancée or ex-wife. It’s what Colin Firth was attempting with his microwave speed proposal. It’s not us you’re falling for when we’ve only been on one or two dates. It’s the idea of us. And that leaves us feeling cold.

♦◊♦

Don’t get me wrong, women love romantic and considerate and kind. We’ll choose these qualities over a Neanderthal any day. But we want it when there’s a genuine connection. Timing is everything and if you’re saying those three little words within a handful of dates then it’s not romantic. It’s creepy.

So is it too much to ask that during our first few weeks we sweep romance to one side and simply act like two people who are enjoying their first few weeks of dating? In that initial period we’re not cute or compatible or in love or perfect for each other. We’re just figuring it out. And there’s no rush.

About Hannah Sloane

Hannah Sloane moved to New York five years ago from England. She's currently working on her first novel and her writing has been published or is forthcoming in: Defenestration, Freerange Nonfiction, Monkeybicycle, Mr Beller's Neighborhood, Nerve, The Big Jewel, The Gloss, Unreality House and WhiskeyPaper. You can follow her: @hansloane

And why exactly should I get advice from a white woman in her 20s whose understanding of love comes from cheap romantic comedies?

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

elissa

4 years 8 months ago

I don’t know. There are a lot of opinions that remain unsaid for a reason – that they are irrelevant.

Relevance must be established first: frequency, impact etc

Pigeons look at me cross-eyed when I cross their path in the downtown core. I think they mistake me for a burrito till they note my Iphone.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Kate

4 years 8 months ago

@Jules: I think someone needs to recognize an opinion when they see one. There will never be one rule for everyone when it comes to dating. I think the author was just trying to put across a viewpoint that we rarely hear and one that some men definitely need to hear!

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Jules

4 years 8 months ago

@Kate…

“I think the author was just trying to put across a viewpoint that we rarely hear and one that some men definitely need to hear!”

We rarely hear it because it rarely happens! That’s my point. Why not deal with say an issue Shawn Peters highlighted above, such as the “Swingers” incident with Mike calling the woman right away.

If only 1% or 10% of men are over the top with their “romantic” overtures, so what?

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Shawn Peters

4 years 8 months ago

I think examining the schism between how impulsive male romanticism is portrayed in media versus how it is received in real life is worth doing for one big reason. Men, on the whole, don’t talk with each other enough about when and how they should reveal their honest feelings for a woman. It’s not an easy chat. It doesn’t just “come up.” So movies (and TV and commercials) become a source of inspiration… and even expectation. I’m 41 and met my wife at age 19, so I’ve been out of this game since Cusack was a pup, but I’m guilty… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Jules

4 years 8 months ago

@Jimbo.. I think the issue(s) in a long term relationship is that men often stop the “courting” process. Today, I am sure courting is considered “creepy.” So, I think these women are seeking the romance of a courtship. That is just fine and OK. Very few people, men or women, are over the top on first dates, etc. The real issue is what was considered good dating etiquette 30 years ago is now considered “weird” or “creepy.” So, many men don’t do anything. They don’t know what to do since so much is both confused and confusing. I wish the… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Peter von Maidenberg

4 years 8 months ago

Or women who could care less what a man does as long as he ticks the boxes for evolutionary one-night-stand fitness?

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Jimbo

4 years 8 months ago

I’d like to point out that once you are successfully in a long term relationship it seems like these over the top gestures are now craved by women. Whenever a man hears “you don’t do anything romantic anymore”, it generally means “you haven’t done anything outrageously over the top like the guy did in that movie I just saw and now I feel like you don’t love me”.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

wellokaythen

4 years 8 months ago

“Don’t get me wrong, women love romantic and considerate and kind. We’ll choose these qualities over a Neanderthal any day. But we want it when there’s a genuine connection.” This triggers my new lifetime semantic crusade. Neanderthals were people, too. They were another species of human being. It’s unfair and inaccurate to use “Neanderthal” as a reference to a person who behaves in a way that we call “primitive,” as if evolution always means improvement and sophistication. (There’s evidence that Neanderthal communities used flowers as decoration, so you could actually get flowers from a Neanderthal man.) It’s even MORE unfair… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Jules

4 years 8 months ago

@wellokaythen… You are spot on with your commentary. Let look at her comment again, “Don’t get me wrong, women love romantic and considerate and kind. We’ll choose these qualities over a Neanderthal any day. But we want it when there’s a genuine connection.” Reading between the lines, what it is really saying is “women love romantic and considerate and kind” ONLY when there is a “connection.” Again, this really irks the heck out of me. What it really says is: if you are man, do even bother me unless I (the woman) feel a connection or find you attractive. So,… Read more »

Thanks for all your comments. They address a valid point: it’s not only men who act this way. Women can be just as eager and over the top, if not worse. I didn’t intend to denigrate men or suggest all men are weird and all women are normal. I would have liked to give examples of women playing it wrong on those early dates as well, however there’s an optimum word count to keep in mind when writing these pieces and I was swayed by the fact this site is geared towards men, so I focused on examples that a… Read more »

A while back, there was a post on GMP about one black man’s refusal to blog on race for this website. The basic message was that by doing so, he is reinforcing a harmful social construction (race) that we should be trying to break down. I find that this article stumbles into that same territory. It creates a gendered problem and acts as a “How-To” for us dumb guys who just don’t get what women want. In reality, this has nothing to do with gender and this article becomes unnecessarily polarizing. I think the first evidence of this dynamic is… Read more »

Solid piece, Hannah. We don’t hear this point of view, this poignant discussion on those early dating moments, nearly enough. These flawed movies are problematic for both women and men.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

MAx

4 years 8 months ago

They’re creepy unless youre Christian Grey

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

elissa

4 years 8 months ago

Not all romantic behavior is “controlling and creepy”, at least not when I do it…even when it’s big and a bit out of proportions – sometimes yes and sometimes no

Remember this little jewel:

“ romance is rape embellished with meaningful looks.”

At times it seems that we’re focused on running up the numbers more so than gaining knowledge and understanding.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Light-In-Spanish

4 years 8 months ago

Same with women who start cooking to the guy and cleaning their apartment, seems desperate and control freak behavior. Give little teaspoons of interest, then back off a little and crate some mystery.

works for men and women 🙂

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Quadruple A

4 years 8 months ago

Well of course you would expect a hip New Yorker who writes stuff that gets picked up by publishers with names like “defenestration” or “nerve” would think that romantic gestures are creepy.

Is anybody else getting tired of the idea that everything men do is “creepy?”

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Jameseq

4 years 8 months ago

i think it is a young/ish thing.
it seems the fashion for 15yrs for the cooool to haughtily label things ‘creeepy’. at least men werent called dude’ or ‘dude-bro’ in this piece

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Inners

4 years 8 months ago

For small favors we can be grateful. I promised myself, long ago, that I would no longer feel tempted to post Homeless Dan Mustard’s acoustic rendition of “Creep” on pieces like this as long as The Words I Shall Not Write were not used. Sadly I am tempted more often than I not! As far as behavior goes, aloof cordiality and civility has worked like a shield for me, for better or worse. It takes a while for the me to open the gaps in my armor but that usually means that I do so at better times than I… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

wellokaythen

4 years 8 months ago

Not everything men do is creepy. Only things that are unwelcome by some women and not others, and things from some men and not others, at some times and not others, are creepy. Men’s activities are not universally creepy. There are very sharp distinctions made between creepy and welcome, based on extremely variable and arbitrary criteria. For example, the above paragraph, suggesting that there are not always hard and fast rules about “creepiness” is itself creepy in many circumstances. However, if I were much more attractive, that might make a difference in the interpretation of the above paragraph. The rule… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Archy

4 years 8 months ago

Lol Comment of the year. Men, you must be mind-readers, know a woman’s body language better than her, know what will be creepy and what won’t be, know who will be attracted to you, only want sex as much as her. Anything I left out?:P

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

wellokaythen

4 years 8 months ago

Meanwhile, ironically, notice how many romcoms are set in New York….

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Peter von Maidenberg

4 years 8 months ago

…which is explained largely by the fact that Americans who want to write for tv or the movies generally need to be in a few hot spots to get noticed, and they’re better off embracing dominant cultures in both the industry and the region.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

mary macgowan

4 years 8 months ago

I think the biggest problem with this article is the word “creepy.”

I also think it’s weird the way the author describes backing off, instantly, when a guy would be enthusiastic on an early date. Like she’d “creep” out the door of the restaurant, horrified.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Jules

4 years 8 months ago

@Mary.. You would be surprised at the behavior of a lot of women. They are bitching (incessantly) about the paucity of “good” men. They are crying about not going on dates. So, when a guy IS interested and they give him a date (often because they don’t have anything else to do), God forbid if he acts “romantic.” Of course, they then call their girlfriends up and talk about how they just went on this date with this “weird and creepy” guy who wanted to enjoy a candlelight dinner at an upscale Italian restaurant…Oh well. Now, if he is a… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

mary macgowan

4 years 8 months ago

Let’s give men a chance!

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Peter von Maidenberg

4 years 8 months ago

“Men” as a collective don’t need a chance. Individual men do.

“Creepy” as a concept may have been stretched beyond meaning by now. It has expanded to cover any male behavior a woman doesn’t quite know what to make of, and is on its way to being a catchall term for different, complicated or unique.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

mary macgowan

4 years 8 months ago

I’m 58 years old, divorced for 10 years now. There’s something desperate going on with relationships among middle-aged people. I’ve had several marriage proposals very early on. Like, on a 2nd date, a 1st date, one month into a relationship, two months into a relationship. Now I suppose I’m a pretty good catch, but I don’t think that’s what it’s about. A lot of middle-aged men feel like they don’t have any time to “waste” getting to know a woman. “I’m going to die soon! Let’s fall in love right now! Let’s plan our marriage on our 2nd date!” And,… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Jules

4 years 8 months ago

@mary…. I think studies show that middle-age men re-marry far more frequently than middle-age women. After all, the middle age woman is usually the one who has ended a marriage to start with. (70% of divorces are initiated by the woman). So, the divorced woman is not interested in jumping back into the muck so fast. These men are probably lonely and looking for companionship, someone to cook, someone to bring him his eyeglasses he left upstairs…… As a woman who is 58 and dating, more than likely the men were older? Usually 58 year old men are chasing after… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Archy

4 years 8 months ago

That’d be because men die 5 years earlier than women probably so of course they’d be worried, I would too.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

mary macgowan

4 years 8 months ago

Yeah, well, death is worrisome, isn’t it? (insert smiley face)

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Archy

4 years 8 months ago

At that age I’d be happy to have some sort of companionship without pushing for marriage, but that could be more to do with the generation? These days it’s more accepted to live as defactos.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

mary macgowan

4 years 8 months ago

Well, I’m that age and I totally agree with you! Must be a guy thing that you’ll discover when you’re that age? I’d be fine with living together and maybe eventually having some kind of “promise” ceremony with our grown children all around us.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

John D

4 years 8 months ago

Mary, That reminds me of a joke I once read. I’ll try not to mangle it. The joke is: A study was done to see at what age (by age bracket) men thought a man should marry at: age of man response 17 27 27 37 37 47 47 57 57 17 I’m sure I’m not doing it justice, but I think it’s funny that the age keeps getting pushed back until at a certain point the delusion drops and the guy admits he should have married a long time ago.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Richard Aubrey

4 years 8 months ago

When I was something less than one third my current age, I was thick as a brick and oblivious as all hell.
Turned out that was ‘way more effective than romantic gestures. Problem is, I didn’t notice that, either, until twenty years later.
Not sure how that works, but apparently being the other end of the spectrum from the premature grand gesture has its good points.
Anybody want to explain that? I’m looking for some believable business for a fictional character.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Tamen

4 years 8 months ago

Haha, I recognize myself at 17-19 in that description. I got rid of my geeky glasses and got contacts and went to a larger high school where a lot of people didn’t know me. I was oblivious to it at the time, but apparently quite a few girls found me “interesting”. I much later learned that I was viewed as aloof, mysterious and unattainable (and possibly gay – although I didn’t fit with the gay stereotype prevalent at that time and place – I was more of a nerd). A couple of the more forward girls tried to hit on… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Archy

4 years 8 months ago

Here’s a better idea, women, start hitting on men n letting us sit back for a while 😛

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Bay Area Guy

4 years 8 months ago

Here’s a better idea, women, start hitting on men n letting us sit back for a while

LOL, if only!

I wouldn’t count on it. Women seem to enjoy their position within the world of dating/courtship.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Sarah

4 years 8 months ago

where are all these overly romantic guys? I’ve never met one. Maybe I don’t inspire romantic gestures?

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Jules

4 years 8 months ago

@Sarah….

We are afraid of being labeled as “creepy.” It is “old fashioned.” Why look at Leia’s comment above. It is typical. Very very typical.

Well, I am “old school” so I do as I please. Damn the torpedoes.

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Leia

4 years 8 months ago

“Love-bombing” is creepy…all the over-the-top stuff that pours out of someone’s mouth is just that…pure froth….

Just back up…and keep your distance…!

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

John D

4 years 8 months ago

Great destruction of the tired trope (if she doesn’t love you yet, double down). I didn’t really start thinking about this until I saw a re-run of the moving romancing the stone. In that movie the male lead treats the female lead horribly. He doesn’t spare any punches because she’s a woman (starting from the very first moment when he charges her an exhorbitant fee to get her out of the jungle). The fact that this movie made women swoon puzzled me, until I figured it out. #1 women don’t necessarily like bad guys, but guys who have the self… Read more »

0

| ReplyShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

FlyingKal

4 years 8 months ago

I remember seeing that movie, and thinking that he treated her just like he would anybody else, above all was mostly refreshing. I don’t recall that much swooning over this particular movie, either.

Also, I didn’t reflect to much about the “why” they got together in the end. I guess it was just par for the course for any movie.