COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT… Remember ABBOTT and COSTELLO Jokes?

In today’s world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO’s famous sketch “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this….

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W.”

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. O.K., forget that. Can I watch movies on the internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: O.K., I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1.”

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1.”

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right, what do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO:I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER…

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…

(S – Found on internet)

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You Know You’re Too Stressed When

You have more personalities than Cybil.

You turn from a cute and cuddly fur ball to a mischievous gremlin with claws after being exposed to water.

You start seeing twins in the hallway with index fingers that say, “redrum, redrum,” or you chase your coworkers around the office with an axe yelling, “Here’s Johnny!”

You wonder how your cubemate would taste with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

You develop superhuman, green muscles and rip out of all your clothing except (conveniently) for your shorts.

You tell your coworkers in a vulnerable moment, “You complete me” or “Stop; you had me at hello.”

You tell your boss, “Frankly, Boss, I don’t give a ______.”

You begin building strange alien towers out of mashed potatoes.

You can see dead people.

When asked for your opinion in a meeting, you shout, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”

You start to see your boss as an overbearing drill sergeant, who keeps asking you, “Private, Pyle! What is your major malfunction?”

You think you are being harassed by a tall man in a funny hat, named “Shooter.”

You find yourself speeding toward a cliff in a convertible with your good friend Thelma.

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Proverbs for Professionals

The chance of success on this project is the same as the number of “R’s” in “fat chance.”

Right now, we’re pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich.

The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every business. The key is to find them…and then exploit them like crazy.

I finally figured out that when someone tells you, “It’s no problem,” he means for him.

Working here is like watching a bad comedy set to auto-repeat.

If we wait until the last minute to do it, it’ll only take a minute.

In our department, we have written DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) in large, black letters on the back of our security badges.

“Status quo,” as you know, is Latin for “the mess we’re in.” (attributed to Ronald Reagan)

Much work remains before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.

After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a watch with our logo on it.

I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I’m captured and fall into enemy hands.

Nothing is too good for my team…and that’s exactly what they are going to get.

I’ve heard of “buzzwords” before, but I never experienced a “buzz sentence” or a “buzz paragraph” until today.

He cloaked himself in an impenetrable veneer of terminology.

Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by ignorance.

His knowledge on that topic is only PowerPoint deep.

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Children As Pets – The Cat Years

Have you ever thought about the similarities between your children and your pets? Young children are like dogs – loyal and affectionate, but teenagers are like cats.

It’s so easy to be dog owners. You feed them, train them and boss them around. They put their heads on your knee and gaze at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. They bound indoors with enthusiasm when you call them. Young children are like that.

Then around age 14, your “puppies” turn into “cats.” When you tell them to come inside, they look amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, they disappear. You won’t see them again until they get hungry — then they will just pause on their sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn up their nose at whatever you’re serving.

When you reach out to ruffle their heads in that old affectionate gesture, they twist away from you and give you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where they have seen you before. You, not realizing that the dogs are now cats, think something must be desperately wrong with them. They seem so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed, and they no longer go on family outings.

Since you’re the one who raised them, taught them to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pets behave. Only now, you’re dealing with cats, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call them, and they run away. Tell them to sit, and they jump on the counter. The closer you try to get to them, the more they move away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let them come to you. Cats need love and affection, too. They just want it on their timeline. Don’t pursue them, and they will come, seeking that comforting embrace they have not entirely forgotten. Then, one day, your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big hug and say, “You’ve been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you.”

Then you’ll realize your cat is a dog again.

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You might be a Texan if…

Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

You can properly pronounce the names of the towns of Mexia, Lamesa, Boerne and Mesquite.

You’ve ever been excused from school because “the cows got out.”

You’ve ever used the phrase “fixin to.”

You think a luxury car is a Chevy Z-71 4×4 pickup with an extended cab.

When you hear a tornado siren, you go outside and look for a funnel cloud.

You aren’t surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition, chewing tobacco and bait in the same store.

You know exactly what calf fries are and eat them anyway.

(S – Speak Texan in 30 Minutes or Less, by Lou Hudson)

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In the Beginning was The Vision

and then came The Assumptions
and The Assumptions were without Form
and The Vision was without Substance.

And Darkness was upon the faces of the Workers

And they spoke amongst themselves, saying

“It is a Crock of Crud, and it Stinketh.”

And the Workers went to their supervisors and sayeth unto them:

“It is a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.”

And the supervisors went to their managers, and sayeth unto them:

“It is a container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”

And the managers went to the Directors and sayeth unto them:

“It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its’ Strength.”

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents and sayeth:

“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very Strong.”

And the Vice Presidents went to their Executives and sayeth unto them:

“It promoteth growth, and it is very Powerful.”

And the Executives went to the President, and sayeth unto him:

“This powerful new Vision will actively promote the growth and efficiency of our departments and the company overall.”

The President looked upon the Vision and saw that it was Good.

And the Vision became Reality.

(S – Anonymous)

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Revenge on a Bad Boss

Employees who work for a bad boss often find ways of getting even, but these employees have taken passive-aggressiveness to new heights:

One employee stole the boss’s clothes out of his locker while he was taking a shower at the corporate fitness center.

Another got into the boss’s e-mail, found a message she had written calling the president of the company a dork, and sent it to everyone in the office … including the president.

A group of disgruntled co-workers had subscriptions to fetish magazines sent to the office in their boss’ name.

A woman who was tired of her manager taking credit for her ideas (and aware he couldn’t tell a good idea from a bad one) let her boss steal several great ideas, then slipped in five that were so bad the boss was demoted.

A vice president whose ego was far larger than his own stature was furious when he found out days later that staff members changed his office caller I.D. to appear as “Lord Farquaad,” the 4-foot-tall evil ruler from the movie “Shrek.”

And finally, there were the direct reports who decided to give their cheapskate boss his comeuppance by mocking up a $500 gift certificate to an expensive restaurant and sending it with a letter saying he was the winner of a promotional event. He invited friends, ran up a $600 bill, and then was told the restaurant would not accept the fake certificate.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

(S – Found on internet)

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If Cows Were Price Like Cars…

A local car dealer informed a farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. Thinking turn-around was fair play, the farmer priced the cow as follows:

Toward the end of 1862, Abraham Lincoln became more and more irritated that General George B. McClellan couldn’t make any headway against Confederate forces even though he had a superior number of soldiers.

Out of patience, Lincoln sent the general this message:

“If you don’t want to use the army, I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully, A. Lincoln.”

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Idiot

There is a story about a speaker who was giving a lecture and had previously invited the audience to write questions on sheets of paper that had been passed out and to submit them for answers and discussion later. This worked very well, until she opened one folded sheet on which was written a single word – “idiot.”

She read the one-word letter aloud and then looked out at the audience.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” she announced, “over the years, I have frequently received replies where the sender has written the question and then forgotten to sign his name. This, however, is the first time the writer has signed his name and forgotten to write the question!”

“When a person gets kissed for the first time they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.” – Wendy, age 8

“All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark.” – Sherm, age 8

Why Lovers Often Hold Hands

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” – Gavin, age 8

“They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.” – John, age 9

Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you

“Tell them you own a whole bunch of candy stores.”- Del, age 6

“Shake your hips and hope for the best.” – Camille, age 9

“Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs…and don’t worry if their parents are right there.” – Manuel, age 8

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” – Alonzo, age 9

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” – Bart, age 9

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The Cost of Expertise

A small factory had to stop operations when an essential piece of machinery broke down. No one could get the machine operating. An outside expert was finally called in. The expert looked over the situation for a moment, then took a hammer and gently tapped the machine at a certain spot. It began running again immediately and continued to run as if nothing had ever been wrong.

When the expert submitted her bill for $1,000, the plant supervisor hit the ceiling and demanded an itemized bill.

The bill the woman submitted was as follows:

For tapping the machine……$1.00

For knowing where to tap…..$999.00

(S – Bits & Pieces, 8/14/97)

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Expectations

“I’m not returning until you fix it,” bandleader Count Basie told a club owner whose piano was always out of tune. A month later Basie got a call that everything was fine. When he returned, the piano was still out of tune.

“You said you fixed it!” an irate Basie exclaimed.

“I did,” came the reply. “I had it painted.”

And the morale of the story is: Be clear about your expectations.

(S – Oech, Roger von, Creative Whack Pack, U.S. Games Systems, Inc.)

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Things We’d Like To See On Company Motivational Posters…

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

We put the “k” in “kwality.”

A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE…..

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

Your job is still better than asking “You want fries with that?”

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don’t succeed – try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK … means never having to take all the blame yourself.

(S – netscrap.com)

Possibility Thinking

During World War I, a Colonel was notified that his troops were surrounded by the enemy, who was demanding that they surrender. The Colonel took this message to his troops, “Gentlemen, we have a situation that armies dream of. We are surrounded on all sides, so we can attack in any direction we want. All we have to do is pick one and go. Our danger is if we sit here.”

Interesting Signs

Some “interesting” signs spotted in various places…

Spotted in a safari park

“Elephants Please Stay In Your Car”

Spotted in an office restroom

“Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below.”

In a department store

“Bargain Basement Upstairs”

In a company office

“Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.”

In a teachers’ lounge

“After break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

If a Smurf choked, what color would it turn?

Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why didn’t Noah just swat those two mosquitoes?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island could make a radio out of coconuts, why couldn’t he fix the hole in the boat?

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What really was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

How is it that “Fat Chance” and “Slim Chance” mean the same thing?

(S – Achieveezine.com)

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Speaking Accidentally

The Toronto Sun published this list of quotes from accident reports. They must have been hit harder than they realized…

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”

“I was on the way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint went.”

“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”

“I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

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Getting the Job

CareerBuilder.com recently surveyed 600 hiring managers about the bizarre behaviors some applicants exhibit during job interviews. Here’s what they were told. Applicants…

Asked the hiring manager to speed things up so he could catch a bus.

Got up and left when he was told that there would be a drug test.

Said the company had a “black aura” and left.

Came to the interview dressed in a housecoat and slippers.

Came to the interview dressed in a bathing suit and T-shirt.

Tried to sell the interviewer a car.

Sang the national anthem.

Did an impersonation of Ben Stiller.

Threw up on the interviewer’s shoes.

Asked the interviewer how soon he could have her office.

(S – Laura Morsch, CareerBuilder.com)

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An Old Farmer’s Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

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Memorial Stone

A woman’s husband died and left only $30,000 to his name. After the funeral services, the widow confided to her closest friend that the inheritance was entirely spent.

“What!” the friend exclaimed. “How can that be?”

“Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks. Everything else was spent on the memorial stone.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me! $22,500 for the memorial stone! How big is it?”

“Three carats.”

(S – Found on internet)

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0-200

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she liked was way out of their price range.

“Look !” she said. “I want something new that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

(S – achieveezine.com)

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Guilty as Charged

There is an old story about the time Emperor Frederick the Great visited Potsdam Prison. He spoke with the prisoners, and each man claimed to be innocent, a victim of the system. One man, however, sat silently in the corner.

The ruler asked him, “And you, sir, who do you blame for your sentence?”

His response was, “Your majesty, I am guilty and richly deserve my punishment.” Surprised, the emperor shouted for the prison warden: “Come and get this man out of here before he corrupts all these innocent people.”

(S – Lucado, Max. “Upwords from Max Lucado,” 8/16/05)

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The Secret to a Long Life

“My 95-year-old grandfather and I recently traveled to Atlanta, GA, where the cousins all asked his secret to living a long life. This is what he told them:

“Drink six glasses of water at night before you go to bed. Then you have to get up in the morning.”

(S – Brown, Paige. Bits & Pieces)

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Dilbert’s Work Vocabulary

BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

OHNOSECOND – The minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you just made a BIG mistake.

ALPHAGEEK – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

FLIGHTRISK – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOODJOB – A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” Job – A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts. One that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

PERCUSSIVEMAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED – Euphemism for being fired. (Synonym: DECRUITMENT)

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Space Race

During the space race in the 1960s, NASA spent $1 million to develop a ballpoint pen that would write in zero gravity. The Soviet Union solved the same problem by giving their cosmonauts pencils.

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Calling in Sick

According to a CareerBuilder survey, 35% of employees admit to calling in sick when they felt well during the last year. (10% said that they had done it at least three times.) A 2004 CCH Unscheduled Absence Survey, conducted for CCH by Harris Interactive®, confirmed the trend. CCH found that 62% of unscheduled absences are due to reasons other than illness including family issues (23 percent), personal needs (18 percent), stress (11 percent) and entitlement mentality (10 percent).

Here are some of the most bizarre reasons employees had for missing work:

I was sprayed by a skunk.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn’t find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

My mother died. (This was the third time the same mother died in a six-month span of time.)

Following are some of the most unusual epitaphs by which people are now remembered on their tombstones. (Some were written by celebrities, some by the deceased and some by “friends” and “loved ones.”)

Dorothy Parker

“Excuse my dust.”

Franklin Pierce Adams

“Pardon me for not rising.”

George S. Kaufman

“I knew something like this would happen.”

Anthony Drake (Burlington, MA – c. 1800)

“Sacred to the memory of ANTHONY DRAKE

Who died for peace & quietness sake;

His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’

So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.”

Solomon Pease (Barre, VT – 1880)

“Under the sod and under the trees

Lies the body of Solomon Pease.

He is not here, there’s only the pod:

Pease shelled out and went to God.”

Beza. Wood (Winslow, ME – 1837)

“Here lies one Wood

Enclosed in wood

One Wood

Within another.

The outer wood

Is very good:

We cannot praise

The other.”

Rebecca Freeland (Edwalton, England – 1741)

“She drank good ale, good punch and wine

And lived to the age of 99.”

Harry “Jack” Rockwell (East Hampton, CT – 1883)

“Landsmen or sailors,

For a moment avast,

Poor Jack’s topsail

Is laid to the mast.

The worms gnaw his timbers

His vessel’s a wreck,

When the last whistle sounds

He’ll be up on deck.”

John Potter, D.D. (Canterbury, England – 1747)

“Alack and well aday!

Potter himself is turned to clay.”

? Ball (Wiltshire, England – c. 1620)

“Here I lie, My name is BALL –

I lived – I died, despised by all.

And now I cannot chew my crust,

I’m gone back to ancient dust.”

Jonathan Fiddle (New Jersey – 1868)

“Here lies the body of Jonathan Fiddle

In 1868, on the 30th day of June

He went out of tune.”

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Top Grade PaperSometimes words fail people—even those whose business it is to understand the language and teach its effective use. Such was the case of a college English professor after contemplating a student’s particularly horrendous attempt at essay writing. Wondering how to get across the point of its total inadequacy, he finally hit upon an appropriate message. He attached a note to the essay which read:

“I am forwarding to you this otherwise good batch of copy paper, because someone has covered it with gibberish and written your name on it.”
(S – Bits & Pieces, 12 Daniel Road, Fairfield, NJ 07004)

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How to Write Good1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

(S – from Writing for Business Results)

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Honorary DegreeAmong some of the unusual honorary degrees bestowed by universities, one of the oddest was when a college in Kentucky decided to so honor the legendary racehorse, Man o’ War. When the school announced this award, two professors were discussing its merits.

“I realize that Man o’ War is in a class by himself,” said one. “But don’t you think it inappropriate to award an honorary degree to an animal?”

“By no means,” said the other. “It simply is the first time that an honorary degree has been bestowed upon an entire horse.”

Urban Dictionary is a daily word subscription service that shares terms commonly used by today’s culture. Much of it is irreverent, but they occasionally have some very funny terms and definitions. Here are a few of my favorites.

award show – To go “award show” is to get all tearful and emotional in front of an audience.

bipodding – Sharing a single set of headphones attached to one iPod. One person holds the iPod and takes the left earbud, the other takes the right earbud.

cinemuck – The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.

connectile dysfunction – The inability to gain or maintain an internet connection.

fly naked – To fly somewhere with the bare-minimum of belongings, and purchase the rest where you are.

hostage lunch – Meal purchased by the company, often pizza, and delivered for employees whose bosses require them to attend a meeting or work over their lunch hour.

mantastic – Feeling fantastic after the successful completion of a particularly macho feat.

March Sadness – As opposed to “March Madness”, March Sadness is the deep, depressing feeling that comes when your favorite team has lost.

multislacking – Doing multiple slacker-esque things concurrently.

multitasking – A polite way of telling someone you haven’t heard a word they said. Commonly used on long conference calls when the speaker is monotonous.

pre-pull – The act of pulling the car door handle at the moment the driver unlocks the door, rendering the attempt fruitless, and resulting in minor frustration and/or embarrassment.

remail – Attempting to follow up on previous email messages which have gone unanswered.

truthenize – To brilliantly inform someone of a harsh truth that they were either ignorant of or tried with everything they have to ignore. The resulting truth leaves the liar impotent. Powerless. Usually a truth about themselves. Like Euthenize. But with the truth.

Urban Dictionary IIPlease forgive me. Here are some more terms from the Urban Dictionary.

break your crayons – Make you very upset or sad, or ruin your whole day.

brohemian – Variation of the word “brother” combined with the term “bohemian.” Used to denote a close affiliate.

celebutante – A person of high society and wealth who is famous just for the act of being rich and fabulous. A socialite who is “famous for being famous.” Paris Hilton, Ally Hilfiger, and Fabian Basabe are all noted celebutantes.

cruiser spooning – The act of parking two police cruisers with the driver’s sides adjacent so that the officers can converse through the open windows.

epiphanot – An idea that at first seems like an amazing insight (at least to the conceiver) but later turns out to be pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect, and often is the root cause of bad decisions.

excessorize – To indulge in something to excessive amounts.

floordrobe – A form of storage for clothing which requires no hangers, drawers, doors or effort. Simply drop on the floor and you have a floordrobe.

hip replacement – The process of introducing a formerly cool person to a product or idea that attempts to make them cool again (i.e., Pulp Fiction for John Travolta).

murse – A man purse.

Presidential tint – The darkest tint you can have on a car’s windows.

retail therapy – The act of shopping as an outlet for frustration and a reliever of stress.

ridonculous – Better than ridiculous.

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My ClassFound this one on the internet. It’s a good lesson on perspective.

“While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

‘Yes,’ he replied.

‘When did you graduate?’ I asked.

He answered, ‘In 1944.’

‘Why, you were in my class!’ I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, ‘What did you teach?’”

(S – PAULandBARB76@webtv.net (Paul Edward Paulsen))

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Better Bumper Stickers

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.

Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no….

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

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MBA Grad’s Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the recent MBA grad, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The candidate said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The HR Manager said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Manager said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”

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“Owed to the Spell Checker”I have a spelling checker –
With my pow were pea see.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

One should never generalize.

Comparisons are as bad as clichés & abbreviates, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. the passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
25. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

(S – Anonymous)

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The Honor System

When baseball great Gil Hodges was managing the Washington Senators, he learned that four of his players had violated curfew, the customary fine for which was $100 per offense. Instead of singling out the players, he addressed the entire team.

“It has come to my attention that some of you have violated the curfew. I’m not naming names, because you know who you are. I am simply leaving out this box and I would expect the offenders to pay up their fines anonymously.”

Hodges left out the box and when he checked it after practice the following day he found that the fines had been paid. $700 worth.

Making the Most of What You’ve GotA canning company was trying to sell white salmon, but they ran into difficulty because of the popularity of pink salmon. A little “out-of-the-can” thinking led them to a perfect solution. On the label of every can, they printed:

“This salmon guaranteed not to turn pink in the can.”

(S – Michael Iapoce, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Boardroom)

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Now, THAT’S Feedback!

Sometimes words fail people—even those whose business it is to understand the language and teach its effective use. Such was the case of a college English professor after contemplating a student’s particularly horrendous attempt at essay writing. Wondering how to get across the point of its total inadequacy, he finally hit upon an appropriate message. He attached a note to the essay which read:

“I am forwarding to you this otherwise good batch of copy paper, because someone has covered it with gibberish and written your name on it.”

(S – Bits & Pieces, 12 Daniel Road, Fairfield, NJ 07004)

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Words of Wisdom

“A bore is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.”

~ Henry Ford
“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.”

~ Abraham Lincoln
“Under this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.”

~ Oscar Levant
“Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.”

~ Sophia Loren
“You may have noticed that the less I know about a subject, the more confidence I have, and the more new light I throw on it.”

~ Mark Twain

“The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.”

~ Anonymous
“Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.”

~ African proverb
“Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing.Nobody listens—and then everyone disagrees.”

~ A Russian observer of Congress, reported in The Wall Street Journal
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.”

~ Henny Youngman

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Humorous Headlines & Ads

Milk Drinkers are Turning to PowderReported on the Internet (source unknown)

Dickson’s Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

There are two kinds of pedestrians—the quick and the dead.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It’s not hard to meet expenses—they’re everywhere.

Jury—twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

(S – Found on the Internet, From The Winner’s Circle, June 1998)

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5th Grade Science Exams

The following are were reported to be answers found on fifth grade science exams:

“H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o and u.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

(S – found on internet)

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Bumper Sticker Wisdom

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

If all is not lost, where is it?

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.

When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.