Chuck: Painfully overt Subway promotions couldn’t make up for low ratings. At least they had lots of time to lead to a real series finale.

Terra Nova: I really enjoyed this one, but the ratings didn’t support the high filming costs. Netflix was in talks to save it, but bowed out. Another reason to not go back to them.

Alcatraz: Yet another one season wonder, ending on a cliffhanger to boot.

Pan Am: spies and stewardesses in the swinging sixties. How did this not catch on? I’m a Christina Ricci fan, but Margot Robbie was just stunning in this show. Prettiest face on TV. Expect we’ll see more from her.

Bored to Death: Read it was canceled to help pay for Luck.

How to Make it in America: Again, was unLucky, even with lots of nudity added in the second season. At least we got to see Lake Bell topless.

Luck: Ha! Two shows killed for this and they cancel it because show also killed horses. Actually, the last horse died walking back to the barn and wasn’t at all related to filming, but there is such a thing as bad publicity.

Honorable mention to:

Hung: Honestly, I didn’t make it past the second season. The show didn’t make it past a third.

Men of a Certain Age: I liked the first season, but never made it to the second, so I’m in part to blame.

Here’s what a lot of producers don’t get: if you acknowledge the bad ratings and tie up the loose ends at the end of the (probable) final season, you can actually get some DVD sales, which might justify a return season (see Family Guy, Arrested Development). I know it interferes with your perfect 5 year story arc, but you can always come up with a good plot excuse for keeping it going. The alternative, putting your head in the sand or being overly optimistic, leads to cliffhangers that just piss off your core audience. Alcatraz followed in the steps of Flash Forward, which was the worst series finale in history.1 If your fans yell, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” at the screen when your series ends, you have not done a good job. I will give exceptions to shows like Luck, which filmed all its episodes before the first aired, not to mention it was actually renewed before the sudden cancellation.

At this point, I just hope the following actors get jobs on something I want to watch:

Yvonne Strahovski

Margot Robbie

Christina Ricci

Allison MillerLake Bell

Best series finale goes to Good Times where, for once, good things happened to everyone in the show. [↩]

According to Variety, NBC has canceled Outsourced and The Event, but Chuck will be back for at least 13 more episodes. I never watched The Event, but I did like Outsourced. Diedrich Bader was pretty funny there, and I dig cute Indian (and Aussie) girls, but I admit it wasn’t quite the laugh riot it could have been. Glad to see Chuck return; even if the ratings aren’t great, they must be making money from those embedded Subway commercials.

UPDATE: Bad news, NBC announced that this will be the final season of Chuck. I imagine the ratings will have to be phenomenal to reverse that.

UPDATE 2: They’ve now announced that Chuck will air in the Friday 8-9PM slot, the death knell for all sci fi/fantasy shows (BSG, Smallville, etc.). Enjoy it while it lasts!

I’ve noted a wonderful new trend these past few years: hot celebrity babes dressing up as Princess Leia in her metal bikini slave costume. Not a ton, and maybe I’m being liberal with the word “celebrity”1, but enough to get my attention. Here are my favorites. And by favorites, I mean all I could find. If you know of more, let me know and I’ll add them.

I take back anything bad I’ve ever said or thought about McG. On Monday, Kristin Kreuk started a multi-episode guest appearance on Chuck. You may remember her as Lana Lang on Smallville; coincidentally (or perhaps not) Superman Returns actor Brandon Routh has also joined the cast. On Chuck Kristin will be joining the Nerd Herd, which means she’ll be wearing their official uniform, which looks like it was stolen off a Catholic schoolgirl. I’ve never noticed that uniform at Best Buy’s Geek Squad, but then again I never never seen anyone quite worthy of wearing it.

This is a really tough year for good TV. Many shows are canceled or are in imminent danger (but mostly canceled):

Life On Mars: Canceled (but wrapped up nicely)Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles: Canceled (with a bitch of a cliffhanger!)Dollhouse: CanceledLife: Canceled (almost certainly, with big plot questions left hanging in the air)Chuck: Circling the drain (we find out in a week or two)

All those shows have one thing in common dragging them down: bigger budgets. TV executives are being upfront about next season: they expect ad revenues to be down – way down. If the big budget shows can’t bring huge audiences, they’re gone. They’re taking chances on several new shows, which I’m sure are all cheaper to produce.

Fortunately, I can end with some good news. Smallville was supposed to be wrapping up the series this season – perhaps because it’s been running for 8 years, perhaps because CW is trying to be Oxygen for young women. If you’ve been wondering why they haven’t been tying up loose ends (indeed, they seem to be creating more of them), it’s because the CW woke up to the fact that they were about to let one of their most popular shows end for no good reason. So I’m happy to say it will be back in the fall.

Also, there’s no reason to kill shows with budgets equal to what I spend on coffee each year, so It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia will also be back for a 5th season. Huzzah!

So if you’re not watching Chuck, I doubt I’ll convince you to start. But if anything can, it’s this finger licking scene of Yvonne Strahovski serving yogurt at “Orange Orange” (the Pinkberry of the Chuck universe). Yes, it’s set to Flight of the Conchords’ Foux du Fafa, making it perfect:

You might want to check out the TV Guide Premier Calendar to find out what shows start when this fall (some have already started). On my DVR (in premier order):

90210
I was surprised to find out how well I could compare – in Chuck Klosterman-like1 detail – this new series to the original. I was also surprised that the original debuted 18 years ago (I’m old). Anyway, the kids are more attractive (apparently, no producer has an unattractive daughter who wants an acting career) and have more money this time around. And, of course, by “kids” I mean hotties 18-23 years old. So this generation of teenage viewers will have an even bigger inferiority complex than we did.

I have to say, I was a bit disappointed with the first episode, considering that the creator of the original series was involved along with Freaks and Geeks producers Jeff Judah and Gabe Sachs. Freaks and Geeks is the best HS series of all time, and this is, well, not. They also have Jessica Walters, who played Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development, which is probably the greatest sitcom of all time. Her character is similar, but the dialogue is such a pale, whitewashed version of Lucille’s it’s distracting. Please pay Mitchell Hurwitz whatever he wants to write her lines. Or just let Jessica channel Lucille and say whatever comes to mind; anything to punch it up.

Bones
Dunno how they’ll replace Zack Addy and I think it sucks they have to. Maybe they’ll follow the lead of House and 90210 and replace him with some hot babe.

True Blood
I wasn’t sure about this until I discovered a) it’s on HBO and b) it’s got Anna Paquin. If I were an X-Man, my mutant power would be the ability to have sex with Rogue without dying. Great success!

House
I like the new cast, especially the hot, young, bisexual doctor. There’s just something about her. Something hot, young, and bisexual. Also, Kal Penn is cool. And so is House, for that matter.

Smallville
Final season – ACK! And Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) is gone! And apparently Lana Lang. At least we’ll get to see Kristin Kreuk in the Street Fighter movie. And I hear there will be more Justice League action this season. Let’s hope for a spin-off.

Californication
I haven’t seen this yet, but it’s next in the Netflix queue. Combined with Dexter, it finally makes Showtime justifiable.

Heroes
It sucks that last season was truncated, but hopefully this one will make up for it. Just getting to watch Hayden Panettiere again will be nice, although I miss that cheerleader outfit.

The Simpsons
King of the Hill
Family Guy
American Dad
Just happy none of these were canceled (again).

Dexter
Just finished season 2 on Netflix. It’s weird; as the character becomes more human and relatable, his actions become more repulsive. So his motives/needs aren’t so clear now. I hope they work on that this season. But overall, great show.

Life
I got into this when I was without a TV and the writer’s strike had me watching stuff I missed. Very glad I caught this. Interesting characters. Hotbabes.

Life On Mars
About all I know is that Harvey Keitel stars, and that’s all I need to know to give this a shot.

30 Rock
Duh, Part Deux.

“You used to [not] be able to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people. Now, it’s between hipsters and retards. I mean, either that guy in the corner in orange safety pants holding a protest sign and wearing a top hat is mentally disabled or he is the coolest fucking guy you will ever know.” -Chuck Klosterman [↩]

Merlin, a new series about Camelot, will air Sundays at 8PM. Better have a two-tuner DVR to grab that and The Simpsons, Family Guy, et al.

Matthew Broderick will be in the season finale of 30 Rock. The show, of course, has been renewed.

The Office is getting a… well, they’re calling it a spinoff, but I don’t see how you can have a spinoff when supposedly none of the current cast will be in the new show, and it will be in a different location. Sounds more like a copycat show to me. A special Office episode and the copycat pilot will air right after the Superbowl. Like last year, the first episodes of the season will be an hour long.

SNL will have a spinoff called Thursday Night Live. It will consist of a half-hour of political sketches leading up to the election.

Heroes is of course coming back. The new season will start with a 2-hour episode on Sept. 15th, following one of those lame hour-long clip episodes that Lost is always doing.

Life is coming back! Annoyingly it will air Fridays at 10PM, but that’s what DVRs are for. I never watched this on TV, but caught them all online (you can, too – the whole season). Now I’m hooked. I really like the main character, and the supporting cast is great. Sara Shahi looks gorgeous when she’s not in butch cop mode, and I’ve always liked Adam Arkin. My big hope is that Christina Hendricks will return. She’s a beautiful redhead with a body that would make Barbie jealous. Seriously, one of the best bodies in the history of bodies… Where was I? Oh yeah, to top it off they’re getting Donal Logue as the new boss. If you’ve never seen The Tao of Steve, in which he stars, rent it now. A great guy movie.

Scrubs is not coming back! Well, not on NBC – it’s expected to move to ABC. Looks like it’s getting replaced by the Office copycat and Last Comic Standing. Whatever.

Over the summer, NBC is creating a bunch of webisodes for Chuck, Heroes, and The Office. Hopefully they’ll be in HD; Yvonne Strahovski and Hayden Panettiere deserve nothing less.

So I’ve been watching the TV show Chuck [ Amazon ]. I do not, in any way, wish to raise your expectations of this show, which is executive produced by Ally McG. He’s the guy who brought us Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels 2: Please Make It Stop. Again, this is from a guy who insists on calling himself McG, and looks like [fratboy image removed], so I don’t think I’m stretching it by calling him a douchebag. Feel free to call me a hypocrite; just remember that I didn’t make Charlie’s Angels 2.

But the fact is, I find the show amusing. And I find myself wanting Yvonne Strahovski, like, crazy bad. It doesn’t hurt that they get her into a swimsuit or lingerie or a German barmaid outfit outfit every show, without fail. Sometimes all 3. And they make her wear the barmaid outfit while working at a hot dog place, so clearly their priorities are in the right place (hotness > logic).

Unfortunately, the show’s been on a whole month and I still don’t see her in Maxim, FHM, Barely Legal, etc. So if you don’t mind, I need you to watch the show just to get the ratings up so she’s asked to do some hot pictorials so I can have a background for my Windows desktop. Again, the show is amusing, and it’s gotten better since McGonagall stopped directing it. And she is just so freakin’ adorable…

The fall television schedule is out, and I have done you a big favor and listed the shows you will be watching. I do this out of love.

Sunday

8:00

The Simpsons

(9/23)

8:30

King of the Hill

(9/23)

9:00

The Family Guy

(9/23)

9:30

American Dad

(9/30)

10:00

Curb Your Enthusiasm

(9/9)

The only reason not to cancel HBO, but it’s a pretty great reason. The last season finale looked like a series finale, so this was a pleasant surprise. And the season premier had Larry in top form.

Monday

8:00

Chuck

(9/24)

Looks like The 40 Year Old Virgin meets Alias, but could be a big lump of crap. Not sure yet.

8:30

The Big Bang Theory

(9/24)

2 geeks and a hottie. My guess is that the geek humor won’t be true geek humor, but what an English major with no geeky friends thinks geek humor is. In other words, a vehicle for "normal" people to laugh at geeks. Maybe I’m wrong, but I doubt it.

9:00

Heroes

(9/24)

9:30

Rules of Engagement

(9/24)

Two couples and their single friend (David Spade). Looks kinda funny; hopefully it’s another Just Shoot Me. If you don’t have a way of watching/recording two shows, obviously you’ll have to drop this for Heroes.

10:00

Journeyman

(9/24)

This looks seriously cool, if only because it stars Lucius Vorenus from Rome. And if you haven’t seen Rome, get it on DVD. An incredible $100M+ production, with no shortage of sex, violence, and damn good writing and acting.

Tuesday

8:00

Bones

(9/25)

If you’re short on time, you can skip this. It’s not as cool as X-Files, or as well written as House, but it’s alright.

9:00

House

(9/25)

The season finale was a big "WTF???" so this is highly anticipated. I’m hoping the new staff is filled by any number of out of work TV hotties: Elisha Cuthbert, Catherine Bell, Eliza Dushku, Jeri Ryan, Jolene Blaylock, Lucy Liu, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mila Kunis (voice work doesn’t count), or Laura Prepon. With David Cross playing an analyst-therapist (or analrapist, as they’re known in the medical field).

9:00

Reaper

(9/25)

I initially wrote this off after reading the synopsis: a comedy about a guy who’s parents sold his soul to the devil, so he now has to work for him as a bounty hunter. It’s on the CW, and I was never into Buffy or Angel or Supernatural. But I just found out the pilot is being directed by Kevin Smith, so at least the first episode will be worth watching.

Wednesday

8:00

Pushing Daisies

(10/3)

Jury’s out on this, too. I do like the concept of a guy who can bring back the dead, but only uses that power to pick up some extra cash. It just screams underachiever.

9:00

Bionic Woman

(9/26)

Thursday

8:00

Smallville

(9/27)

Is Lana alive?!? Wait, don’t answer that!

8:00

Scrubs

(10/25)

Final season

8:30

30 Rock

(10/4)

If you weren’t impressed at the start of last season, this got way funnier as the season progressed. And Catrina Bowden is crazy hot.

Produced and written (the scripted parts, at least) by The Crack Team’s own Agent Mystery! Destined to be the best show on television, winning multiple Emmys and getting all team members of The Crack Team totally laid (details pending, but it will probably involve groupies, mistaken identities, and shenanigans). Click the link to check out the Agent Hulagun-designed MySpace page.