What to Say to a Cancer Survivor

by Kathy Cawthon

You’ve learned that a friend or
family member has been diagnosed
with cancer. You want
to help, to do something, anything, to
make this difficult experience easier
for him, but you don’t know what to
do. You don’t even know what to say.
Here are a few things cancer survivors
like to hear.

“I can help.” It’s a statement, not
a question. Cancer survivors can be
reluctant to answer the question “What
can I do to help?” for a number of reasons.
Most of the time, it’s because
they’re reeling from the diagnosis itself
or disappointing test results, or
not feeling well because of treatment.
During times like these, coming up
with an answer to the “what-can-I-do-to-help” question actually creates more
stress for the survivor. Other reasons
survivors wave off this question are
not wanting to impose their illness
on others and not wanting to feel
helpless. It can be humiliating to a
survivor to admit that there are things
he can’t do for himself. That’s why
it’s important for you to step up, take
the lead, and state with confidence,
“I can help.” Then do it. (See below
for suggestions.)

“Whatever you’re feeling is
okay.” Survivors are often hesitant to
talk about some of the things that are
worrying them. They’re afraid they
might sound crazy if they tell anyone
or that they will upset those closest to
them by bringing up difficult subjects.
Let the survivor know that she can
talk to you about whatever is troubling
her. And when she does, don’t change
the subject. Sidestepping an issue because
it makes you uncomfortable only
makes the survivor feel more alone
and isolated. Listen and reassure her
that her thoughts and feelings are safe
with you. If she needs to discuss issues
that require more than just a
friendly listener, be honest and offer
to help her contact the appropriate
professional.

“I’m here for you.” Remind your
cancer survivor friend or family member
that you’re there for him whether
or not he feels like talking. Work on
becoming comfortable with silence.
Being able to be still and quiet with
another person is a powerful form of
support and often more comforting
than any words you could say.

“You can cry with me.” It’s not
unusual for survivors to feel they need
to be the “strong” ones and the ones
to comfort others. If you can tell that
she is fighting back tears during
your visit, shut the door and say,
“It’s okay to cry, and you can cry
with me.” Helping your friend or
family member release pent-up tears
is one way you can help her move toward
emotional healing, which is an
essential part of the recovery process.

And if she cries, it’s okay if you
cry, too. Sharing grief and pain with
another person in this way is yet another
stride toward healing for both
parties. It’s best, though, to postpone
a visit if your own tears are
near the surface and the survivor
is having a good day. You certainly
don’t want to bring her down when
she is up.

“I won’t leave you.” Cancer can
be like a roller coaster ride with lots
of ups and downs. There will be good
days and not-so-good days. Be very
honest when determining the level at
which you can be involved, but whatever
you decide, tell your loved one
you won’t leave him, no matter how
bumpy the ride.

Things You Can Do to Help

Take the kids out for dinner and
a movie, on an all-day outing, or a
weekend getaway.

Play with the family pets and
offer to take them in for checkups
or grooming.

Put holiday decorations up, or
take them down and put them away.

Pitch in and help with the housework
and yard work. If you sense
your help in these areas makes the
survivor and/or family uncomfortable,
organize a fundraiser or take
up a collection to pay for professional
services.

If you are truly at a loss for ways
to help, ask the survivor’s family
members for suggestions.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Kathy Cawthon and her husband,
Roger, are 12-year cancer survivors.
They offer free online support to other
survivors and caregivers through their
website www.TheCancerCrusade.com.

This article was printed from copingmag.com and was originally published in Coping® with Cancer magazine,
March/April
2008.