Column: Underage felon tries to conceal fingerprints during heist

Wednesday

Oct 3, 2012 at 12:01 AMOct 3, 2012 at 9:07 PM

Early behavioral patterns in children could bring early trepidation in parents

Jon Dawson

When he was only 2 years old, Tiger Woods appeared on the Mike Douglas Show. The little guy ambled onto the stage and started hitting golf balls and hitting them well. That TV appearance made it clear even at an early age that Tiger was destined to become one of the greatest golfers of all time.

What wasn’t easy to predict from that appearance was his eventual penchant for skanks, hoochies, trollops and all manner of painted women. Also, it was hard to predict that one day his Swedish former-model wife would go upside his tater with a 9 iron. According to reports she whacked on that tater and whacked on it well.

It never made sense to me why Tiger would trawl for gutter trash while being married to a superiorly purdy woman. I also don’t understand why restaurants put a lone slice of pickle the size of a nickel in the middle of a chicken sandwich, but that’s a dilemma for another day.

If early behavioral patterns of children foreshadow the kind of adults they will become, I fear some people — OK, me — may be in a bit of a pickle.

While not wanting to evoke the ghost of Kathie Lee and Cody past, over the past year or so I’ve shared a few stories with you about my two little tax deductions. Other than a moderate physical resemblance to each other, the only personality traits they share are breathing and the lack of an inner monologue. Tax Deduction #1 is the calmer of the two, while Tax Deduction #2 is already trying to decide which side of her face will look the best in a police line-up.

Like TD#1, TD#2 can be very sweet. Every night before I put her in the crib she lets me hold her like a little baby for a minute — but there is a price. She’ll grin and coo, but sometimes when things get almost tender she’ll reach back to Mobile and slap me in the head. One night she smacked me so hard the fire detectors started beeping.

I’m not sure what the bond is for misdemeanor assault these days, but being a planner I’ve already started a savings account.

TD#1 is currently taking piano lessons, so wanting to emulate her big sister TD#2 likes to play with an old Yamaha keyboard I recently purchased. At first she just randomly pounded on a few keys, but after a few minutes the 2-year-old Tchaikovsky started playing a tune that was vaguely familiar. After a while I realized she was doing a medley of Eddie Cochran’s “I Fought the Law,” Judas Priest’s “Breaking the Law” and “Been Caught Stealing” by Janes Addiction.

It’s possible TD#2 just digs tunes about evading law enforcement, but what happened in the car last Friday was and is incredibly worrisome.

We left the house at 3:05 p.m. to meet with her parole officer. On the way there I look into the rearview mirror and notice she’s taken off her shoes — no big deal, it happens all the time. The crux of the biscuit is what happened next: She pulls her socks over her hands as if they were gloves and starts rifling through a purse TD#1 left in the back seat. After she finishes ransacking the purse, she puts it down and puts her socks back on her feet. I guess she’s figured out there is no way to lift prints off of cotton.

In an odd way I’m proud of her intellect; I just wish there was a way to channel it properly. I once let her do a ride-along with local police to show her what happens to bad people. Sadly, she took the cops’ guns and forced them to drive her to Toys ’R Us.

The Wife and I are coming up on nearly four decades each of avoiding incarceration, yet we’ve been awarded with a little bundle of joy that could potentially make John Dillinger look like Captain Kangaroo. I realize Captain Kangaroo isn’t a modern reference, but any man able to turn talking to a moose and a rabbit with a hand up their schnoinkels into a 38-year gig deserves a little recognition.

I’m sure Bob Keeshan would have rather been doing Shakespeare or working with directors such as Coppola or Kubrick instead of having to banter with a Grandfather Clock for most of his adult life, but that pumpkin-headed rascal played the cards he was dealt, so I guess I’ll do the same.

Tiger started out as a good little boy but grew into a bit of a freak with a penchant for Silicon Sallys. Maybe TD#2 is getting all of her craziness out of her system now so she can later win a Nobel Prize or at least not do any federal time. Either way I’m sure it will provide me with plenty of material, which is good as I hear most defense attorneys demand to be paid with money.

Jon Dawson’s columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday in The Free Press. Contact Jon at 252-559-1092 or jon.dawson@kinston.com. Purchase Jon’s book “Making Gravy in Public” at The Free Press office and at jondawson.com.