Um. Okay. I started the issue out that way cause we're gonna talk about the recent beer wars here in Canada. Get it? Beer wars? Star Wars? SNORK!

Bob

You're way too easily amused today.

Doug

Yeah, well you drink twelve beers before breakfast and you'd feel the same way.

Bob

You didn't eat breakfast.

Doug

Okay, so uh... (looks at empties on the table) ...this is the fifteenth beer before breakfast.

Bob

Hoser. What he's talking about is how cheap all the beer is all of the sudden, but you can't buy the regular brands at the cheap prices.

Doug

Naw, you have to go get the real cheap stuff.

Bob

That makes sense. The cheap stuff is cheaper.

Doug

Take off! BRRP!

Bob

So anyway, one of the breweries lowered their prices on a case of beer, so then another brewery made theirs a little cheaper, and then another one made a case even cheaper yet. So now they're now selling certain beers for like the lowest legal price here, which is great for guys like us.

Doug

URP! How...

Bob

Oh nice.

Doug

Sorry... how do you think I was able to afford fifteen... (chugs what's left of his beer) ...uh, sixteen beers before breakfast today?

Bob

Yeah, but your burp reminded me of the one problem with these beers.

Doug

BRRAAAACCKKK!!!! What's that?

Bob

WOAH! I think I'm deaf in my left ear!

Doug

Wha? Why blame the beer for that?

Bob

That's not what I was talking about. I was gonna say how they give you lots of gas.

Come to think of it, everything gives you gas. You know, you better eat something.

Doug

No, I'm alright. Tell them about your plan.

Bob

What plan?

Doug

The one you were talking about.

Bob

No, take off! Then the guys at the Beer Store will find out.

Doug

They will not. They don't even read this.

Bob

They do too. They're all big fans.

Doug

Well, I'm gonna talk about it anyway. URP! We're gonna go down to one of those Beer Stores where it's like a walk-in cooler, right? Where all the beer is stacked in this walk-in cooler and you just grab the type you want and take it up to the counter, eh? So like you don't have to go to the guy at the counter... well, you do, but afterwards. You don't have to go to the guy at the counter at first, but then you go into this walk-in cooler, right? And get the beer you want. Then you walk up to the counter with the beer, and go to the guy, and...

Bob

GEEZ! Get on with it!

Doug

Get on with it! Get on with it! Hoser! I'm tellin' a story!

Bob

Yeah, while we're all fallin' asleep here they're gonna find out and not let us buy beer there anymore!

Doug

They? Who's they?

Bob

The guys at the counter!!

Doug

What? At the Beer Store?

Bob

Geez. I'm never letting you have seventeen beers before breakfast on the day we're doin' the show ever again.

Doug

This'll be number eighteen in a minute. BRRPPP!!!

Bob

Geez.

Doug

So anyway, you go to one of those Beer Stores and take an old case of one of the cheap beers and flatten it and hide it under your coat eh, and then when you get to the store you make a little fort out of the full cases of beer they have stacked around so like the camera or big round mirror or whatever won't be able to see you and the guys at the Beer Store won't know what you're doing right, so then you open up a case of regular expensive beer and put all the bottles in the case of cheap beer and then... oh no! I gotta start over!

Bob

Wha? Why?

Doug

I forgot to remind people to take a bottle of glue with you when you go to the Beer Store! Okay. Start over. We're gonna go down to one of those Beer Stores...

Bob

No, no, no! Don't start over. You shouldn't even have told this story in the first place, cause doing this would be wrong, and we would never do anything like this.

Doug

Uh, right. So after you put all the expensive beers in the cheap case, you glue the top down so it looks brand new, then you take it up to the counter and they'll charge the cheapest legal price for your expensive beer.

Bob

Beauty idea. But to all cops and Beer Store employees out there: we'd never do this.

Doug

(finishes another bottle) We're out of beer. Sounds like a perfect time to try out our plan.

Bob

SHH!

Doug

Uh... not the plan I just talked about. Something else. URP!

Bob

Yeah, that other plan.

Doug

The one about turbocharging the van?

Bob

Yeah, that's the one.

Doug

But I thought we were gonna get beer.

Bob

We are... geez.

Doug

Wha? What'd I say?

Bob

(gets up to go to the Beer Store) You comin' with me?

Doug

Yeah. (tries to get up but falls off his chair) No.

Bob

Okay, you lay there for a while, and when you get up make yourself some breakfast, eh?

Doug

Is it right to have breakfast at three in the afternoon?

Bob

Not really.

Doug

Okay. If you go to the Beer Store, don't forget this. (hands Bob a flattened case of cheap beer) URP!

Bob

Wha? Geez! (grabs case and tucks it under his coat) Uh... (looks around) I guess no one saw that, eh?

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! So like if you have it then watch all our classic Great White North moments, and if you don't have it, then why not, eh? Check out the article and the review, eh!

CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATIONTHIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

The Hoser

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.