1. Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind, is your idea of good weather. 2. The only sausage you like is square. 3. You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school. 4. You have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty is an idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is someone over 40, and Baltic is cold. 5. You have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy, as long as its deep fried - Haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken and battered Mars Bars. 6. You used to love destroying your teeth with - Penny Dainties, Wham Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms. 7. You always greet people by talking about the weather. 8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when they are played in a club abroad. (in factyou'll probably ask the DJ to play it) 9. You have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotland play a diddy team. 10. You are proud that Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and smoking deaths in Europe. 11. You used to watch Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin. 12. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas. 13. You only enjoy Weir's Way on the telly, when you are pissed. 14. You are able to recognise the regional dialect, (Glasgow) 'Awright pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper Nat, Cheers, magic pal. (Aberdeen) Fitlike Loon? Furryboots ya bin up tae? Fair few quines in the night, min. (Inverness) Ah-eee right enuffff! How's you keeeepeeeen? 15. You know the police are about to arrive when you hear someone shout-Errapolis. 16. You have witnessed a 'Square Go' 17. You know that when you are asked which School you attended they really mean, 'Are you Catholic or Proddy?' 18. You have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen Skink, Tunnock's Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers, Porrige, Macaroon Bar, Baxter's Soup, Scotch Pie, Oatcakes. 19. A Jakey has ask you for 10p for a cuppa tea. 20. You wait at the shop counter for 1p change. 21. You know that the right response to 'you dancing?' is 'you askin?' followed by 'am askin' and finally 'then am ! dancin'. 22. You associated sawdust with vomit, coz the 'jannie' always, used to pour it over sick in school. 23. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt. 24. You don't do shopping, you 'go for the messages.' 25. You're on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to. 26. You are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three words only,-- Awright, aye, and naw. 27. When you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, ' You no well?' 28. You have heard the following:

You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat,

700 hungry weans'll testify! to that,

If its butter, cheese or jelly,

If the breed is plain or pan,

The odds against reaching earth,

Are ninety nine tae wan.

Or any song by Gaberlunzie.29. You know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot. 30. Your holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a heatwave back home. 31. Scotland go 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think, getting beat 3-2 was 'no a bad result'. 32. You can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Kirkcaldy. 33. You love deep fried Pizza. 34. You can't pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub. 35. You are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, winter, autumn, winter) 36. You can fall when drunk and not spill your drink. 37. You see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories, and think 'that's class'. 38. You measure distance in minutes. 39. You understand Rab C. Nesbitt. 40. You go to Saltcoats because you think its abroad. 41. You can make a whole sentence using only swear words. 42. You know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it! . 43. You know someone who planned their wedding around the football fixtures. 44. You have been to a wedding and the football results have been announced in church. 45. You are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the following: Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint, Shoes etc. 46. Your seaside home has Calor gas under it. 47. You know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure. 48. You could swear before you could count. 49. You would 'nut' a terrorist if they tried to bomb your Airport. 50. You are not only Scottish but Glaswegian when you understand the following- How's it hingin', clatty, boggin', cludgie, Ba'heid, bawbag, and double nougat.

Thought it nice and funny to read...enjoy!!!

LOA

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"Few men are brave:many become so through training and discipline."Flavius Vegetius Renatus

"I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strenght to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."Christopher Reeve

And of course number 51! You tell jokes to pump up the Scittish ego...like this one...

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says,

'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.

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The Scots of course insist that the pipes produce music. But the point is after all not too important. For those who love them, the pipes can evoke more vividly than any other instrument, high emotion, they can inspire valor, and tell of tragic tales of battles long ago. They can call forth merriment or sentiment. It does not matter what the sound is called, those who are deaf to its merits would not understand anyway.

Unfortunately I know all these Scottishisms as I was born and brought up in Scotland.Here are a few ithers.If you can remember the tram"caurs" in Glasgow (and Edinburgh ,of course)"Bluebird " busesA high tea in the restaurants.A "Macalllum"--(ice cream with raspberry sauce).Everyone in Glasgow is called "Jimmy".You listened to Jimmy MacGregor on radio scotland.If you can sing the song "I belong to Glasgow".If you can say "Just a wee doch an doris,jist a wee yin thats a,jist a wee doch n doris afore ye gang awa, theres a wee wifie waitin at a wee but n, ben, if ye can say its a braw , bricht ,moonlicht nicht then ye are a richt ye ken"If you can say Achiltibuie, or Tignabruich.If you remember "Francie and Josie"A fish supper and a bottle of irn bru are considered high living.Can you sing "Wee cock Sparra"Did you sail with "Para Handy".And just remember "Ye cannae shove yer Grannie aff a bus".

Mair" tartan neck" than" ridneck". In Scotland a" ridneck" means that you are embaresd by something. We Toss cabers rather than pigs.We chase haggis round the hills all day and chase sheep for recreation.

Said the Englishman to the Scot, "Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?" To which the Scotsman replied, "England".

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?Take up a collection

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"