This is a blog about things I should be doing/eating/reading/crafting/learning or not doing. It is a sporadic insight into my mind and life. I can guarantee it WILL be random. It will touch on serious subjects that could include things such as my struggle with PCOS and Endometriosis or my college career. However,more often than not I will discuss the less serious subjects that could include my cats varying sleeping positions to why some people just can't drive.

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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Yesterday was a hard day at work. We had a very aggressive patient that was breaking things and hurting themselves. For times like these we as a team do a "take down". This is where we use training to prevent the individual from harming themselves or others. It can get quite physical. Well anyways I was one of the trained people on duty that assisted. After the individual was calm we were able to let them up and rest in an observation room. Afterwards I assessed myself for any injuries. My back was sore, my knee was bruised, and I had scrapes on my elbow accompanied with another bruise. I was okay but hurting. This is not my first take down so don't be concerned. I work in mental health and yes at times it can be scary. Yesterday was as scared as I'd ever been. But again I am okay and so is everyone else. It was a success. This is just Mental Health sometimes.

When I got home I took a hot bath for my aches and pains. My body was hurting so much I wanted to take a strong pain pill that I have. Ever since we began TTC it became a habit to take a cheapy pregnancy test to make sure I'm not expecting. My husband always complained I was wasting money but it only cost like .25 and I only reach for pain pills when I am in A LOT of pain (every 6 months or so). So, I POAS and walked away cleaning up a bit and forgot about it. It was until I went to use the bathroom that I saw it.

It was freaking positive!!!

Wait what?!? So I whipped out the trusty FRER.

Umm SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!

We are on a break! This is a complete and utter SHOCK!

We are cautiously optimistic and beta will be Monday morning.

The biggest worry now is health insurance. Mine doesn't kick in till June 1st. I will not wait that long with my history. So I will be scouring the internet to see what my short term options are.

Right now I'm pregnant and in shock!

Needless to say I never took the pain pill and will not be participating in any more take downs for the foreseeable future.

How did countless rounds of Clomid not work and being on a break did? Why now? Why am I the lucky one and not others?

Saturday, March 15, 2014

I am not a violent person and I do not plan on resorting to violence any time soon.

I work in the mental health field. We are taught to know our "triggers" which is what could cause us to lose our perspective or theraputic train of thought. I have mentioned in my blog before about this. My "trigger" is pregnant women intentionally harming themselves or their child. I also of course do not like people who harm their children or intentionaly neglect them. However, it is the pregnant women that REALLY get to me.

A pregnant woman* in 2nd trimester arrived at the facility she expressed how she does not want her child and neither does the father. She admits to daily substance use, alcohol use and cigarette use. While in our facilty she insisted on participating during the smoke breaks. Her proprty had drugs and drug paraphenalia.

*Due to HIPPA laws information has been changed/altered .

I WANT to smake her up side her head and yell at her. I want to tell her how much I wish I was the one pregnant. The law and my morals prevent this.

I WISH I could offer to take her child in. Ethics and the law prevents me from being able to do this. There is an unwanted child (in the womb) and I cannot reach out and help.

Friday, March 14, 2014

So, like many posts before this one, this post is about my emotions and infertility.

I have stated many times that IF is something to grieve over. We grieve over what could have been, finances, timing, friendships, loss and so much more. Each person deals with grief differently.

On most days, I am in the acceptance part of grief. I resort to humor to try to cover any other stages.

Just a few moments ago, while at work, a new employee grabbed my shoulders in a playful way. Being that I am married and am acting superviosr on some nights I do not feel that is appropriate and I informed him that I do not want to be touched. His response was along the lines of "pfft, I bet you don't have kids either because you don't have the instincts". I calmly responded with " Actually I'm infertile". He just stared at me in disbelief and shock. IF is not something I hide at work or really anywhere. If you ask then I tell. Most times I am fine. I can say "I'm infertile" and be fine. Today, I was fine with it. I said it and while there is always a pang in my heart about it. I was fine.

Until, this co-worker popped his head in my office later and just said "I'm sorry about earlier".

His small gesture has torn me down. I sit here typing with tears silently running down my face.

I think it is that he has had a response at all that is geting to me.

Most people don't know what to say and just change subjects. Every single time it is me that brings up my infertility. I know when to prepare the wall againist any emotions. I am "ready" to discuss it. Randomly being hit with the subject gets me everytime.

My friend tells me that I wouldn't have to worry about it if i would just keep it a secret. I never want to keep it a secret. IF needs awareness. It does not need to be swept under the rug and only talked about behind closed doors. People need to be aware that not everyone gets the kids they have always dreamed of. It sucks and life is NOT FAIR.

However, that is not a reason to hide it.

Most people experience grief or loss when someone they care about has passed away. They are able to hold a funeral or service to say goodbye. They have a location they can go to drop off flowers and grieve when they are ready. While they may have some reminders of that loss it is not always with them.

My daily cramps remind me that I am infertile and have Endometriosis. I cannot walk away and come back when I am ready. My body is a constant reminder of my loss. I hate it.

Today, I want to cry, scream, yell and eat chocolate about the unfairness of IF and that the grief gets to me.

I think no matter how much time has passed my infertility is something I will always grieve over.

Bloggie World have some chocolate for me and even some for you because if i ate all the chocolate I feel like eating I would probably gain every pound back I've lost.

While our lives may not be what we dreamt them to be they are lives and we need to live them.