Kevin Frisch: Time to stock my Cabinet

Friday

I’ve been watching with great interest President-elect Barack Obama’s nomination of Cabinet members. And although it’s early in the process, I’ve come to an important realization: I need a Cabinet.

I’ve been watching with great interest President-elect Barack Obama’s nomination of Cabinet members — the people who will help him carry out his initiatives, represent his (and our) interests around the world and help craft policy on issues ranging from the economy to the environment to the war on terrorism.

And although it’s early in the process, and Obama does not even take office for another seven weeks, I’ve come to an important realization: I need a Cabinet.

“One Obama adviser told me the Obama Cabinet is shooting for a combination of ‘Team of Rivals’ and ‘The Best and the Brightest,’” blogged George Stephanopoulos, citing books about the inner circles of Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. “We have not seen this kind of combination of star power, brain power and political muscle this early in a Cabinet in our lifetimes.”

See, that’s what I need: star power. And brain power. And I’d take muscle of any kind.

After all, why should I have to handle matters financial, professional and personal, on my own when Obama has this big support system? Just because he has a slightly more important job than I do?

Well, Franklin Roosevelt had his Black Cabinet, and Andrew Jackson had his Kitchen Cabinet, so I see no reason not to form my own — come on, longtime readers, say it with me: Liquor Cabinet.

Cabinet-level positions are among the most important in the land and carry with them great responsibility and visibility. In fact, most Cabinet members are household names. I’m sure you know Samuel Bodman, Carlos Gutierrez and Edward Schafer, our current secretaries of energy, commerce and agriculture. I, too, would strive to select such high-profile, well-informed advisers.

Paris Hilton, for example. I’ll need a secretary for health and human services, and she’d be perfect, at least based on the human services I’ve seen her provide on the Internet.

For secretary of transportation, Jimmie Johnson, the Sprint Cup-hogging NASCAR racer, because I really do have to start getting to work on time.

Martha Stewart would have been in the running for secretary of the interior, but she’s done jail time; even my shabby vetting team caught that. How about Ty Pennington from “Extreme Makeover.” Not only is he good at rebuilding interiors, he’s got a bullhorn — I never have one of those when I need one — plus, he looks like he can always find a decent bar (an underrated quality among potential Cabinet members).

I’ll need an especially sharp secretary of the Treasury, someone who knows cutting-edge economic theories like post-Keynesianism and behavioral finance (because, judging from my checkbook, I suffer from a severe case of misbehavioral finance). I’d like Warren Buffett, but he’s tough to get. Since he makes his billions by running the holding company Berkshire Hathaway, however, I’ll settle for a compromise: actress Anne Hathaway.

I’d be willing to give Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin a chance as secretary of labor. She’s had five kids, so she must know something about it.

And Lincoln, when he chose his Cabinet, famously followed the adage of keeping his friends close and his enemies closer. I would have an impossible time selecting from among my current enemies, so I’ll see if I can track down Dougie. He was a neighborhood tough who terrorized me as a child. He liked to drink from puddles. I’ll make him secretary of education. He’ll never get the irony.

And in these difficult economic times, I realize there are some positions that may need to be left unfilled. Secretary of homeland security, for example. I’ll make do by buying one of those extra locks for my front door — the kind with the little chain that lets you open the door just a crack so the person can peek inside, like they used to in 1970s sitcoms.

As long as I’m not attacked by anyone more ferocious than Schneider or Murray the Cop, I should be just fine.

Messenger managing editor Kevin Frisch’s column appears each week in the Sunday Messenger. Contact him at (585) 394-0770/Ext. 257 or by e-mail at kfrisch@messengerpostmedia.com.

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