THE TEN BREWERY COMMANDMENTS

And the LORD Ninkasi, the Goddess of Grain, then said unto Slouch Sixpack, “Come up to me into the brewpub, and be there: and I will give thee ring-ed napkins of paper, and brewery commandments which I have written upon them; that thou mayest blog them.” And Slouch rose up, and his Brother Barley: and Slouch went up into the brewpub of Ninkasi.

Slouch was covered by the haze of alcohol for forty days and forty nights. Before the full forty days, the Aleheads decided that something had happened to Slouch Sixpack, like bad mushrooms or head trauma, and compelled Doc to fashion a fizzy golden lager, and he built a kegerator before it.

After the full forty days Slouch and Barley came out from the brewpub with the napkins, and as he came nigh unto the festivities, and he saw the lager, and the tomfoolery, and Slouch’s anger waxed hot, and he wadded the commandments, and tore them asunder.

And the LORD told Slouch: “Go get two napkins of paper like unto the first, and I will write upon these the words that were in the first napkins, which thou brakest.” And she wrote on the napkins, according to the first writing, the TEN BREWERY COMMANDMENTS:

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“Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me, and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal; you freeze everything as it is and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign. Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.”