Chronic Personality Problems in Problem Relationships

A large portion of abusers (although not all) have some similar identifying disorders, traits, or diagnosis. They are not all created equal. That means, each one of them brings a unique combination of traits, challenges, and problems to the equation of the relationship and even therapy. Therefore, not all abusers treatment is going to be effective because not all psychological problems are treatable. For instance, batterer intervention has often failed to make this distinction and lumps all violent behavior or psychological problems together as if the batterers are not differentiated by their differences in their mental health problems.

Some of the disorders have biological and neurological root causes that are not curable. Ultimately, not all problem relationships have a solution especially those that have biological and neuro problems at their basis. That's not popular to hear. We live in an Oprah-age of psychology that believes all disorders are curable and if not curable, at least highly treatable. 'Law of Attraction' type thinking pulls many people into believing 'if they think it, they can make it happen' (their relationship will work, the pathology will be gone, or something curative will happen that will drive away the symptoms.) Like medicine, psychology faces the same challenges that not all disorders have a satisfactory treatment, much less, a cure.

If people who are in problem relationships want to avoid future problem relationships, they have to understand what contributes to some of the disorders and the signs within the behavior. There is no doubt that chronic personality problems wreak havoc in relationships and the worst of these do have commonalities related to impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and violence. (No abuse is mild. I'm not suggesting that. What I am trying to hone on is the chronicity and lethality of some of the relationships and what some of the contributing factors can be to those problems.)

Recent research in neuroscience helps us get a new view of the biological problems related to what Otto Kernberg (one of the renowned writers about personality disorders and pathology) wrote about regarding the 'severe personality disorders' related to Cluster B disorders. (See his books Aggression In Personality Disorders and Perversions;Severe Personality Disorders; Aggressivity, Narcissism and Self Destructiveness in the Psychotherapeutic Relationships—to name a few).

Neuroscience over the past few years has helped us understand the additional biological and neurological roots of some of these severe personality disorders and the disorders of sociopathy and psychopathy as well. MRI's of various Cluster B disorders and sociopathy/psychopath have lead the way noting similarities in brain formations, brain activity, brain circuitry, brain chemistry and its relationship to the severe disorders, impulsivity, poor treatment outcomes, and poor relationship outcomes. (The book Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley is great place to start reading about the neuro aspects of some of these disorders.)

Where therapy has spent decades (if not a century) focused on the very psychoanalytic, cognitive and behavioral approaches, we have missed the very real potential of neurology and brain functioning challenges in severe disorders. While the origins and etiology of these disorders has been widely debated for decades, neuroscience is providing many of the answers to biology that we previously didn't have. This helps us delineate between the mind as a structure and process and the brain as an organ.

The brain as an organ has all the proclivity of being born with differences, challenges, and problems as any other organ in the body. Unfortunately, up until now, the view has been a very 'psychological' approach to the brain and its disorders without looking at the possible contributions of 'nature' such as being born with biological predispositions.

(To learn more about this topic, read these interesting journal articles:

Just glancing at the titles we can see the mounting growth of information about the brain as an organ (and not just the mind as the emotions) and its relationships to severe disorders.

In fact, a number of mental health disorders, including some of the personality disorders, have genetic transmission. A frightening aspect is that antisocial and psychopathy are genetically transmitted probably more than the public realizes. While society doesn't question when it comes to the heart or immune system people can be born with abnormalities that affect those organs and systems, people certainly have a BIG reaction to the thought of psychology being related to brain organ issues and not merely emotional issues. (I didn't write the neuroscience research, I am only reporting on it!)

It helps illuminate that this country needs a Public Pathology Education Project to help the public understand which diagnosis have treatment options, and which are highly limited. Which diagnosis have the highest random violence rate associated with them. Which diagnosis has the highest criminality, addiction, and personal/intimate violence associated with it.

When looking at the behaviors associated with problem partners and what is referred to as 'severe personality disorders'/the problems of sociopathy and psychopath, we have to look broadly at the symptoms. Not so broadly that we find loopholes to ignore compelling examples of problematic behavior in the partner. But normally, one symptom off a behavioral list does not constitute one of the 'severe personality disorders' or the no conscienced disorders of sociopathy or psychopathy. On the other hand, they don't need to have all of these traits in order to be problematic in a relationship.

Those in relationships with problem partners often fail on the side of 'too much empathy' and give them more credit for not having these symptoms than what is warranted. Somewhere in the middle of one trait-too-many/and no-they-don't-have-problems-at-all, is a snapshot of relationship problems and problem partners.

Here are some of the behaviors associated associated with the ‘severe personality disorders' and also sociopathy and psychopathy. (Taken from the Diagnostic Statistical Manual—DSM IV)

___Disregard for, and the violation of, the rights of others ___Failure to conform to lawful social norms ___Deceitfulness Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead ___Irritability and aggressiveness as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults ___Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others ___Consistent irresponsibility as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations (Above are related to Antisocial Personality Disorder)

___ A grandiose sense of self importance___ Exaggerates their achievements and talents___ Expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements___ Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love___ Believes that he is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should only associate with, other special or other high-status people or institutions. ___ Requires excessive admiration___ Has a sense of entitlement, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his expectations___ Is interpersonally exploitative within relationships and takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends___ Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others___ Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him___ Shows an arrogant, haughty behavior or attitude(Above are related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

This list is not mild relational infractions or merely what Dr. Phil refers to as 'deal breakers'. In some of the more chronic features and behaviors, this pathology causes debilitating partner aftermath symptoms. The Institute has been involved in offering recovery to those coming out of relationships with narcissists, antisocial, sociopathy and psychopaths for 20 years. That's because the chronicity of these disorders often causes chronicity within their relationships.

If that wasn't true, 100 million people would not be negatively affected by someone else's pathology. We wouldn't have support groups for "Partners of Narcissists" or "Adult Children of Narcissistic Personality Disorder." There wouldn't be self-help books for those harmed by antisocials or psychopaths. The Institute wouldn't have felt it necessary to write 'Women Who Love Psychopaths' and open hospital treatment programs for their survivors.

Some of those listed above on the checklists are the abusers who are not created equal, who have permanent neuro, emotional, behavioral and psychological disorders that bypass what psychology can do for them. Anger management—nope. Batterer intervention—nope. Intensive psychotherapy—nope. The permanent forms of pathology are noted for its Three Inabilities (Brown, 2005):

Inability to develop insight how their behavior negatively affects others

These inabilities are the hallmark of chronic disorders that create chronic problem relationships. Lacey, Staci and Nicole bear witness to the undiagnosed problems of problem partners. Bring your checklist above next time when I talk about how these characteristics affect the relationship dynamics! (For more information on Problem Partners contact us at www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com)

This article really provides a missing voice to the ongoing debate on marriage and divorce, and what to do about them. Reading some of the PT blogs and articles made me think that -- "if I just had tried harder, thought deeper, been more patient, stayed/tried longer/better/harder ... it would have worked out ... whatever "working out" is.

But, after many years, and a lot of counselling and self examination and analysis ... sometimes people come to the conclusion ... that all their attempts are not making their marriage/relationship better ... it is just getting worse ...

I believe that mainstream recognition of the possibility that maybe, just maybe, your marriage/relationship did not fail because you did not follow the "magic recipe" out of the correct "cook-book" or timely take the "magic actions" that can "save" your marriage/relationship provides some needed validation for we people who reluctantly divorced because there were no better options, the "collateral damage" to children got out of control and the marriage and the damage was getting worse, not better.

What is a much more fruitful aproach is tgo analyse the marriage in terms of what each partner contributed and got out of the relationshipeg - I contributed submissiveness, which enabled the narcissists grandiosity, he contributed rage which enabled my fear to grow. Only when I see what I put in can I see how my behaviour informed the resulting nightmare. Only when I see what I really got out of the marriage can I see what I need to change in myself to avoid another disaster...

oo many people never look at how their childhoods prepared them for life with a psychopath; they just think they were unlucky. The first relationship or marriage with a psychopath paves the way for another and another as the non psychopath tries harder and harder using exactly the wrong strategies and behaviours ie the bahviours etc that attracted the first, second, third and subsequent psychopaths to them in the first place.

The only answer is for the non psychopath to change their world view, their attitudes towards themself and their abusers. This is really hard and painful: goldfish don't know they live in water...

What is a much more fruitful aproach is tgo analyse the marriage in terms of what each partner contributed and got out of the relationshipeg - I contributed submissiveness, which enabled the narcissists grandiosity, he contributed rage which enabled my fear to grow. Only when I see what I put in can I see how my behaviour informed the resulting nightmare. Only when I see what I really got out of the marriage can I see what I need to change in myself to avoid another disaster...

oo many people never look at how their childhoods prepared them for life with a psychopath; they just think they were unlucky. The first relationship or marriage with a psychopath paves the way for another and another as the non psychopath tries harder and harder using exactly the wrong strategies and behaviours ie the bahviours etc that attracted the first, second, third and subsequent psychopaths to them in the first place.

The only answer is for the non psychopath to change their world view, their attitudes towards themself and their abusers. This is really hard and painful: goldfish don't know they live in water...

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I am so encouraged to learn of Sandra Brown's in-depth knowledge and experience working with these particular types of relationship problems. I am someone who loved a psychopath, and I have never found a therapist to work with that I believe really understood the severe nature of what my struggles were in this relationship. Knowing that Sandra Brown's Institute, Inpatient program for women, and books and lectures are available to me and others who've experienced the same gives me a HUGE sense of joy and hope that the mental health treatment profession as a whole has begun to recognize and find distinct treatments for those who've been affected by our close relationships with these "problem personalities." I'm immensely grateful for you work, Ms. Brown!

I am hoping someone of your quaifications will be able to establish some repoire with Nancy Garrido and ask why she went along with a kidnapping and imprisonment. I am interested in how many girls learned to be a dependent female not responsible for their own behaviour, from their own dependent and enabling mothers.

There are lots of books about this subject; the best writer is Lundy Bancroft (When Daddy Hits Mommy etc)who writes a lot about the effect of wife batterers on the children,whether or not the child is also battered.In my family we were not allowed to express anything negative about our father's intolerable cruelty and violence. We were too scared to say that we were scared because if we said we were scared this would be taken as a criticism and we would be beaten.

Alongside this was a stepmother who believed in smoothing things over, behaving as if what we faced in the home was perfectly normal and that it was a sign of our father's love for us because he was so stressed because he worked so hard so we could have a high standard of living. Insane. No wonder two of us married narcissists, one lived with a narcissist and one became morbidly obese.

I have found unlearning my learned helplessness to be the hardest thing in recovery. It is also very difficult to explain to other people how frightening it is for the learnedly helpless adult child to stand up for oneself with any real authenticity or sense that one will be taken seriously. I have met less than three people who really get it. What we all had in common was a narcissist mother or mother figure and a violent or absent father.

Interesting article, I am currently going throug a divorce because my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive as well as a womanizer, cheater. Even though we are at the beginning part of the divorce stage where he has been served, he still feels the need to seek out other women instead of trying to save his marriage. I consider him to be a narcissist, if i don't meet his needs after being at work and raising two children he will seek it from another woman and has no problem doing it. All of a sudden I found myself trying to mend the marriage while he continued searching for other women to meet his needs. I have to finally wake up and realize that I worth more than this, I have forgiven him in order for me to move forward.

There is another blog here (probably many) about how the brain rewires itself in response to stimulus like neglect, or abuse when we are very young, creating habits and perspectives that are unhelpful in our adult years. Adaptations to survive in a harsh environment.

Other blogs speak of neuroplasticity attempting to give us hope in dealing with various disorders. This blog seems to contradict that idea, or at least says we are not good at rewiring the brain at this point. I see a lot of potential, and anyone who has ever developed, or broken a habit must feel that we should not just write such thing off as irreparable.

Rewiring the brain is something that we have a strong sense of, but not a strong understanding of exactly how to do it to achieve a specific outcome. More research i'm sure will be done.

The biggest hurdle the way I see it, for these personality disorder traits, is that the people showing them usually don't believe they have a problem, or just don't have a desire to change. Denial is easier than taking responsibility. There is no chance of change in people who don't see a problem in themselves, and or have no interest in personal growth.