Keeping cool during a child's tantrum

It's the scene every parent of a toddler dreads. Little Emily wants that Cinderella Pez dispenser at the grocery store checkout. Jacob is eyeing the cereal with the spy ring decoder inside every box. Their requests are denied. A request turns to whining, whining to crying, crying to full-blown tantrum.

What's a parent to do?

While it depends on the child and the circumstances, parents, teachers and pediatricians agree that often the best response to this very normal stage of childhood development is to keep cool and either remove the child from the public stage or simply let him ride it out, no matter how many sets of eyes burn a hole in your back.

"I've had a couple of scenes in Target and Wal-Mart, and people look at me like, 'Can't you keep that child quiet?'" said Jan, an East Shore mom of a 5-year-old boy. If he decides to lay on the floor, I can't reason with him. It's of no use. As long as he's safe and not hurting himself or others, I usually let it play out."

"Once they're really there at that point of screaming, kicking and hollering, they are beyond the point of listening," said Nicole Wishard, owner of the Goddard School on Linglestown Road. "You are not going to stop it from happening, but you can cause it to escalate."

"Oh, it's embarrassing," said Rebecca Pettit, Shippensburg University associate professor of teacher education and a mother. "A lot of times people deal with embarrassment by getting angry, and that escalates the situation. There's absolutely nothing wrong with leaving the store. That's much kinder to the child than to punish in front of other people. It's another level of embarrassment for the child."

Typically, temper tantrums appear around age 1, peak around age 2 and are all but gone between the ages of 4 and 5 or when school starts, said Dr. Mark Widome, professor of pediatrics at Penn State Children's Hospital at Hershey.

"If you think you are responsible for your child's tantrum you're wrong. It's normal child development," Widome said. "Some are more prone than others. Whether they are prolonged or how quickly the [children] deal with them -- we have lots of influence there. That's why you have parents to help you with those things."

Tantrums can stem from hunger, fatigue or a need for attention, but typically center around frustration over lacking language skills, learning to share and socialize, perfecting new skills, dealing with disappointments, and a growing need for control and independence. In short, learning how to grow up can be very emotionally taxing.

They can understand a whole lot more than they can verbalize, and that's very frustrating, said Bev Goodling, director of the Messiah College Early Learning Center. Often in a group setting, they become frustrated because of having to share both attention and toys.

Toddlers also see that they can exert some control over their environment but can't deal with the frustration of why everybody doesn't do what they want when they want them to, Widome said.

Bonnie, an East Shore mother of five children from ages 3 to 20, knows that all too well. "I pick them up, say I'm sorry you're crying, give them reassurance ... and if I can ignore it, I do. I don't get too embarrassed anymore. I definitely felt a need to prove myself with the first one, but by the third, I knew I was a good mom and I know he may not be acting like it right now, but I don't care. You let go of a lot of that."

Another veteran mom agreed. After raising 17 children, being grandma to 46 and great-grandma to seven, Kathy Donovan learned to take tantrums in stride -- even with the son who held his breath until he fainted.

Everything was so new with the first child, said Donovan, of suburban Pittsburgh. "As time went on, I just tended to ignore them as long as I could. The more you go at them, the more they keep coming back. If they were ... going to lose it in the store, I would just go home. It isn't worth it."

One thing every parent warns against is going back on your word.

If the tantrum is over wanting something and you've already said no, you really need to stick with that, said Messiah's Goodling. If you give in, you are rewarding negative behavior and that'll reinforce the cycle of a tantrum.

Both Goddard and Messiah's ELC provide quiet areas for children to unwind and collect themselves. Many parents swear by timeouts while others can't get their children to stay put for a timeout. Those children may respond better to having a toy or other item put in timeout -- especially one they've thrown during the tantrum. Others need to be held, hugged and reassured calmly to regain control.

Temperaments help determine what methods work. Stephanie, a West Shore mom of three girls, ages 5, 3 and nearly 2, is challenged by her smart, over-analytical and overly sensitive middle child. A wrong tone or attitude from Stephanie can spark hurt feelings and full-blown, 30-minute tantrums. Once sent to her room, the daughter is embarrassed and avoids anyone who saw her for another halfhour -- being seen could cause another outburst.

"It's exhausting," Stephanie said. "I feel like I walk on eggshells all the time." After the arrival of her third child, Stephanie felt more out of control. "I could hear myself raising my voice immediately," she said. Since imposing timeouts and removing privileges were having little effect, she sought better answers in a parenting book by Supernanny Jo Frost. "It was like she was describing my three kids' personalities."

Stephanie now addresses tantrums based on each child's temperament -- she may hold her middle child now or privately find her a quiet place to minimize embarrassment.

Although tantrums at this age are normal, parents can take some steps to prevent them.

Give children choices, like between wearing a blue or yellow shirt, to exercise their independence. Provide regular bed and mealtimes, adequate sleep and a predictable schedule, Widome said. Keep rules and responses consistent and provide an emotionally stable environment.

If they are in an environment where adults express emotion with anger or outbursts, kids will learn that it's OK to deal with anger by losing it, Widome said. "I describe this like you have to do it perfectly," he added. "You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be good enough. The kids will get through this age fine and unscathed."

Bonnie concurred. After having teenagers, the issues are so big and scary... "It's given me an appreciation that this is small stuff."