I'm a newbie here. I've just spent a sleepless night after a huge argument with my husband and am hoping someone might be able to give me some perspective.

Overall, we have a very happy, companionable marriage. He has two grown children who do not live with us. We are both very independent people and have both shared and solo activities in which we participate. I realize this letter will make my husband sound much more awful than he is: he is also honest, faithful, dependable, bright, funny and in general, a good partner. I truly love him. We don't argue very often, but when we do, it can be a doozy.

My main issue is two sides of the same coin: he can be very arrogant and condescending, and I am often left thinking that he must think I'm a real idiot. He not only denies this but looks at me like I'm crazy, which means that then I feel like I'm not only an idiot, but a crazy idiot to boot. To give some perspective, his older daughter graduated college summa cum laude, lives on her own, works two jobs and speaks a foreign language, and is planning to go to grad school.Yet he has told me that he thinks she's an idiot and he's disappointed in her. And his contempt for her is evident when he talks to her. So when he talks to me with a similar tone of contempt, I figure he must be contemptuous of me, too. The other side of the coin is that he is very unaffectionate and never gives any positive feedback: no compliments, no gratitude, no "way to go, girl". So I am left with only the negative feedback.

Complicating this is that, although fairly accomplished in many avenues, I've always suffered from low self-esteem. I've worked on it in and out of therapy, and am generally OK. But he latches onto this so that if I ever take issue with how he talks to me, he deems it 100% my issue and never examines his own behavior.

Last night I made the mistake of asking his advice on how to deal with a situation at work. I say mistake, because asking his advice (although it's often good advice), is like saying "lecture me about how I should do things, and do it in a really brusque, condescending manner". If I try to discuss the issue/advice in order to work out the situation in my head, he takes that as arguing with him. He said he thinks I should just listen to his advice, and take it or leave it, but that if I'm going to discuss it, then why did I ask for his opinion at all?

My second, biggest mistake last night was attempting to use our discussion about the advice as an opening to talk about how I've been feeling lately that I get the impression that he thinks I'm stupid. Would he use this opportunity to assure me that he loves me and thinks I'm very bright? No. Even sniffing around the edges of the possibility that maybe I might have an issue with anything he does, he interprets as a completely uncalled for criticism of him. Then it becomes the same old song: I have no right to criticize him, the problem is 100% on my side and/or in my head, and then it becomes not about finding a better way to communicate long-term, but about him winning this argument right then and there and ending it as quickly as possible--which he did last night by standing there and yelling at me for 10 minutes, then walking out of the house.

I am completely willing to cop to my own self-esteem issues in this, but the problem is not 100% on my side. Even when I try to be as non-threatening and fair as possible, he simply goes ballistic if I call any of his behavior towards me into question. Any ideas how to deal with this? Mostly I just avoid the issue, which keeps the peace, but eventually his continued condescension just simply wears me down. And don't suggest counseling--he surely knows more than they do, too!

Well, you are doing the right thing to work on your self esteem. If you can manage to raise your self esteem to a healthy one, he would not bother you that much.
or wear you down... I guess your going to learn to not argue with him. To get your way your going to have to appeal to his massive ego, and if you can learn to do that, you will win all the time, although he will think its his idea.
I think many woman have to do this.,.. after all.... men are not like women and they aren't supposed to be, God created them to balance women. You are going to have to work on yourself and how to manipulate him to your liking.

I am older, 50... and I know what you mean... and let me tell you, I've seen some amazing women with men like you describe yours, who learn how to twist him around their finger, although... it may not be in the "way" you like it... you will learn how to manipulate him to your way...
Getting your self esteem to a healthy one is the first step.

I frequently tell my husband how great he is...
and because I'm his fan, he tends to give me what I want, if at all possible. You can learn to do this too.. after all, he will want to please his biggest fan.
lol

Read the story of "ester" in the bible. That should help you on how to treat your husband to make him do what you want.

i think your H doesnt have any self esteem either. if you could see his behavior for what it is, you would know its not about you. he tears others down to bring himself up. its hard to separate yourself from anothers behavior, especially since you have self-esteem issues too, but once you can see that it doesnt have anything to do with you, or his daughter, you'll realize he just doesnt like himself very much. I learned somewhere that usually you will attract someone that challenges your weakness in order to try and get over it.

i think your H doesnt have any self esteem either. if you could see his behavior for what it is, you would know its not about you. he tears others down to bring himself up. its hard to separate yourself from anothers behavior, especially since you have self-esteem issues too, but once you can see that it doesnt have anything to do with you, or his daughter, you'll realize he just doesnt like himself very much. I learned somewhere that usually you will attract someone that challenges your weakness in order to try and get over it.

of course he doesn't...
but she can only fix herself, not anyone else and learn to not let him bother her..

maybe even get a good laugh at his attempts to be such a big man. Iff she played him right he would be wrapped around her pinky.

Would love to know how to wrap a man around my finger...it doesn't seem to be a skill I've ever learned!

After having time to think about it, I realized that on the rare occasions when I have gotten angry and lashed out at him, it has never resulted in a big fight like this. These scenes occur when I do all of the things you're "supposed" to do to resolve conflict in a relationship...start sentences with "I", not accuse or blame, remain calm and reasonable...that's the kind of thing that makes him go ballistic! So I told him that I've realized that talking to him about my feelings is a waste of time because it's a language he can't understand. From now on, if he is condescending or contemptuous of me, I will get angry, not hurt. I told him he modeled this behavior for me that very evening, when he shouted at his daughter "What do you think I am, stupid??"

It reminds me of the old joke about why you shouldn't try to teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of time, and it annoys the pig.

He grunted and continued to watch a rerun of Star Trek. That's what constitutes agreement with him.

You had problems with low self-esteem and married a man how is not supportive and yes really arrogant.
This situation is a big challenge for you. Did he wants to go for counseling?
This is not an easy situation for you. Because with your situation and problems that you had in the past you need supportive and positive husband.
And trying to fix him don’t forget about yourself, because you may one day found yourself feeling guilty and with low self-esteem again. Be careful.

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