“Couples Therapy” recap (4.4): Celebration and Sex Tapes

Previously on Couples Therapy: Jon Gosselin lumbered in, Farrah feigned innocence, and the lesbians seemed, in comparison, quite normal. We left off with Sada and Whitney huddled over Farrah’s “sex tape,” chortling happily. Sada’s been skeptical of Farrah’s “leaked sex tape” story since day one (for good reason) and tonight she’s ready to call Farrah out. It doesn’t surprise me that Farrah’s innocent victim act drives unapologetic bad girl Sada up the wall. Farrah, Sada, and Whitney have profited from having sex on camera. The difference is Whitney and Sada own their sexuality, while Farrah used her sex life as just another cheap trick while whispering “‘whoops” insincerely. Sada v. Farrah is a matchup I thoroughly enjoy.

Last night’s episode opened with Sada and Whitney eagerly telling Taylor and John how blatantly staged Farrah’s “sex tape” was. Sada wants everyone to be aware of Farrah’s near pathological lying.

Whitney: We have a sex tapes. It’s called The Real L Word: Episode 5. The Real L Word: Episode 1, Season 2… Sada and I have done things on TV. You think I’m going to judge you? No. But what I’m going to judge is if you’re giving me a round of bullshit.

Damn she’s likable. The group meets for group therapy. Today’s subject is “assumptions.” Kelsey starts out by talking about Ghost’s infidelity and judgement. Ghost gets defensive, and states, “I don’t fall in love in four months.” He doesn’t seem to especially care about Kelsey.

Whitney and Sada are next. Whitney says they trust each other vis-a-vis not cheating and the shrink is like, “So why do most of your fights revolve around jealousy?” Sada wants more public affection. Maybe Sada has an inner void that can only be filled by public displays of affection. Jon reminisces about divorce. Jon had a girlfriend when he met Liz, and they slept together that night. Liz and Jon have major trust issues as well as matching grey hoodies.

Taylor and John are boring, and I can’t even listen to their “issues” after last episode’s pathetic, mean, ridiculous tantrum. Farrah expresses great hurt over the “sex tape,” and does the fake cry/whisper thing where she scrunched her face up and whispers and we are supposed to perceive that as crying.

Now that Sada’s seen the tape, she’s ready to shut that show down.

Sada: You said that was filmed with one of your boyfriends. What boyfriend?Farrah: Yeah he does porn for a living. That’s his job.Sada: I’m curious as to how that was a sex tape filmed at home when there is actually a camera crew filming.Farrah: No there’s not. There was only me and the camera person….

Whitney smirks. Gotcha.

Sada: Different angles. So there’s a camera person?Farrah: N… I can straight up honestly say… There’s was never any person… Around… Us when we were having sex.Sada: You just said camera person. You just said you and the camera person.Farrah: I don’t know if I’ve ever said camera person, but I’m saying there was never a camera person.

This continues in the same vein for quite some time, and group session comes to a close. Kelsey, Jon, and Liz gossip happily over snacks about Farrah’s video and the subtle nuances that distinguish sex tape and porno. They have an outstandingly solid understanding of famewhoring. Twilight falls upon this glorious temple to opportunism, yet all is not well. If you’ve ever sat apart from a group whispering about you, you know how terrible it feels. That’s what Farrah’s feeling right now. It’s legit like camp or a playground with all the other kids laughing and playing outside while you sit inside alone, talking to a counselor who asks why you’re not joining in.

Farrah brought this upon herself not by making a sex tape or even porno, but by being a narcissistic, delusional, prissy moron. She seems like to type to delight in judgement and leaving people out, so this is probably good for funny Farrah.

Farrah: I can tell when someone thinks I’m a bitch and is excluding me.

This is actually a really important skill for all of us to learn from Farrah. Legit. She probably has an insane amount of experience.

Farrah enters Dr. Jenn’s bland wood-paneled therapy room for a one-on-one session. Dr. Jenn is like, “Your boyfriend obviously isn’t coming and no one likes you.” Jenn refers to no one liking Farrah as “getting honest feedback” which is fucking fantastic. Like what a dickish yet accurate comment. I’m going to use that on the next friend I feel like social experimenting on (aka the next friend I see), like “It’s amazing how much honest feedback you’re getting from your enemies.” Farrah has mommy issues. Snuffle cry, “I don’t know what love is.” Farrah fears and despises that prospect of being used by anyone, especially her parents and men.

Farrah: I’ve learned a lot from my parents and I definitely know what I don’t want. I don’t want their nagging, their bullshit, and that’s why eventually I beat the shit out of my mom because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

For the first time, I wonder if Farrah might be a sociopath. Not because she’s heatedly talking about her physical fight, but her description of what set her off: “Their nagging, their bullshit.” Parent stuff. People stuff. Other people’s stuff. Obligation, guilt, expectation, all that crap we deal with for the sake of others, family in particular. Farrah Abraham makes me believe that some sociopaths are made, not born.

On that cheerful note PARTYY TIME ’cause it’s Sada’s B-BDAY beezies. To celebrate, the house is hosting a birthday party. Theme: mermaids. Cocktails are vigorously mixed at a poolside bar strewn with white balloons and, most notably, several live mermaids.

I approve of this party. Mermaids are the coolest mythical creatures and sometimes I really do get a bit down about mermaids not being real. Whitney looks dapper in a thin, brown bow tie over fitted black top.Weirdly, I know some of the guests from West Hollywood. Hey guys! This is my job. As festivities shift into full swing, the housemates relax and do it up right. Even Farrah happily gurgles, “I’m actually having a really good time.” Once the guests leave, drama breaks out between buzzed lesbians, as drama is wont to do. Sada and Ghost’s blossoming friendship includes hugs, kisses, and lots of affection.

Whitney: I’ve been noticing Sada and Ghost flirting.

Whitney and Sada look into each other’s eyes deeply for a long, meaningful second, then Sada bursts, “I’m going to bed” and Whitney is like, “Whyyyy?” as they dash to bed going back and forth between “I’m going to bed” and “whyyy?” Ugh. Watching lesbian couples fight makes me never want to wife up. An argument breaks out as Whitney confronts Sada about being “all up on homeboy.” “I’m gay as fuck,” Sada retorts. Bicker bicker jealousy you flirt no you flirt night night.