I apologize in advance if you object to this sort of thing, but I'm desperate for some outside perspective.

About 7 years ago, I was raped by a guy my friend was 'dating'. My friend was there when it happened, but unfortunately she was asleep in another room. Since she wasn't very serious with the guy at the time, by his choice, she was very upset with me and not at all supportive. Her first instinct was, "you should never have been alone with him in the first place". I didn't press charges, but have done my best to stay far, far away from him. Needless to say, it didn't work out with those two, but sadly, that was more his decision than hers. She never really believed me that it was rape and I've never been sure why.

My friend and I was estranged for a couple years due to that and a couple other things, but we both gotten over it and she is a very good friend. Usually. My best friend in the whole world and we get along great.

This weekend, we were out and ran into this guy in question. She immediately went to his side and stayed there all night. I was very traumatized just seeing him and kind of stayed away waiting for her to leave. She didn't. On two separate occasions I asked if she was going to be much longer, (avoiding him at all costs) and she continued to stay there with him. I was getting the impression she wanted to leave with him and I just about lost it. I went outside, called my sister and had her pick me up. My friend knew I was upset, was my ride, and made NO attempt whatsoever to see if I was okay or address the issue at all.

We've never really came to a resolution about this. She chooses to ignore what happened or label me a liar, I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I can continue being friends with her after this incident, but I don't want to throw the friendship away. I've temporarily blocked her on MSN and she hasn't called me to see if I'm okay or even got home okay. She hates confrontation, so I'm sure she just is hoping that in a couple days I'll get over it.

Do I just walk away from this friendship? I hate for this loser to be the reason, yet again, but I'm just not sure I can forgive her. Am I being unreasonable?

12-15-2002, 10:05 PM

duckgirl

Not at all. *also going to get personal* You were raped; you have every right in the world to be as irrational as you want about it as rape is the worst thing that could possibly happen to a girl. One of my many foster dads raped me constantly for about two years before I finally left to live on my own (I was all of 13). Your friend is flat-out being a bitch about this. If she was a real friend, she would never question you when you say you were assulted by this jagoff, and calling you a liar is the lowest blow she could give you. It sounds like all she's going to do by being in your life with this guy is cause you stress, so I would tell her that until it is really over with him you're not going to go anywhere with her or do anything with her regardless of whether or not he's there. She hasn't even called you to check on you after you ran into the man who raped you. No offense but I wouldn't want her as any friend of mine.

12-15-2002, 10:07 PM

nlmcp

No, not at all. I think you have been more reasonable then I would be under the circumstances. It's too big of an issue to just avoid and hope it goes away. I would either drop the friendship or confront her point blank about the situation. Good Luck to you, it will be hard no matter what you decide to do.

12-15-2002, 11:34 PM

sher

oh miss f,
i'm heartbroken to read this post. i'm sorry for what you've had to endure and sad that you have a friend that doesn't even consider you or your feelings.

i assume that you've been friends for a long time and that is why you don't want to throw away the friendship... but you have to ask yourself honestly, how good of a friend is she if she calls you a liar when you try to confide in her regarding such a horrible event and continues to run to the side of the man that violated you? what kind of a person does that?

if it were me, i would cut my losses and find another best friend. she isn't worth the pain and i would think she is a constant reminder of a horrible event since she only exacerbated the situation by blaming you and calling you a liar. '

HOWEVER, you have said you don't want to do that sooooooooo...... unblock her on msn. confront her if you can... not in a confrontational way, but ask her how she can run to the side of such a man and abandon you in such a way? you were abandoned by her when you were initially raped and abandoned again by her when confronted with your attacker. that is not the kind of friend that you should try to protect the feelings, imo. if you feel like you need an explanation (which she owes you) then you need to ask her what's up. but man... i can't help but want to say to you that you should drop her fast and now. she simply isn't worth it. i live a thousand miles away from you and i could be a better friend than she is being.

12-15-2002, 11:47 PM

duckgirl

I agree with Sher... she's really not a friend if she acts like that.

12-15-2002, 11:51 PM

Perc

I'm sorry to read this too Ms F.

Sher and Ducky are right on. How much could this "friend" care for you after what you endured from a man she was dating? Doesn't sound like she's much of a friend at all. In fact, a stranger on the street would probably show more compassion for you than this woman has.

You show a lot of strength by trying to keep her...but what she did, and the non-support she gave you should be an indication of how much of a friend she really is.

12-15-2002, 11:58 PM

Perc

Oh, just to add.

Good for you for not feeling shame..you did nothing wrong and society at large sucks for thinking a woman who had been violated like that did!

{{{{HUGS}}}}

12-16-2002, 12:00 AM

sher

::hugs:: from me, too. and to duckie for having to endure awfulness as a child. i'd like to beat the hell outta both miss f's attacker and duck's worthless pos foster father. sheesh.

12-16-2002, 12:11 AM

duckgirl

They wont get the message if you beat 'em. You gotta castrate them.

12-16-2002, 12:26 AM

firegirl

It sounds to me as if this girl has some insecurity issues of her own and some displacement issues with you on this topic. She may hate confrontation but it is totally necessary. If she values the friendship she will listen to you and accept what you have to say, if she doesn't than it would appear she does not value the friendship as you seem to. That is a hard thing to find out about a friend you love and value. I have had a similar /diff circumstances thing happen. Either way it appears she has some things she needs to deal with in the area of men and abusive men and her own self esteeem. I would think that until she can come to terms w/this situation your friendship needs a break or some sort of getting it out and dealing with it,, I would also think you might need some counseling on the event as well.. I am so sorry your going thru that. Hope you get it worked out and can be better for it all.