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Saturday, October 8, 2016

PARENTS AND YOUR CHOICE OF MARRIAGE PARTNER

Parents are supposed to be God's representatives and
authority figures in their children's lives.

Exodus 20:12

The Bible records in Luke 2:51 that even Jesus
was subject to His parents.

God expects our parents to be godly and to co-operate with
Him to bring up children and guide them in the right direction including the
choice of the right marriage partners. Gen. 24:2-

Unfortunately not all parents know God or walk with Him.

Not all parents understand the ways, plans and purposes of
God for their children's lives. This constitutes the root of the conflict of
interest between parents and their children when it comes to the choice of
marriage partners.

I would like to point out some reasons for the
disagreement and sometimes outright battle between parents and their children
over the issue of choice of marriage partners. In some cases it could be close
family members, close friends, spiritual parents etc that are involved in
this.

1. Most parents' love for their children makes them
over-protective of them.

Most parents want the very best for their children and
think that the only way to guarantee that is to be involved in the selection
process of who their children marry. In some cases, parents want more than
being involved in the process; they actually want to choose for and dictate who
their children get married to!

2. Selfishness on the part of some parents who want
someone for their child that they perceive to be right, fits their own mould/
template of a spouse, someone they are familiar with and who they think will
take care of them later in life in concert with their child. They do not want
their child to marry someone who they think may be hostile and poison their
child's mind against them in the future. This holds true especially where the
parents and their child have shared a very close bond and relationship over the
years.

3. Traditional/ cultural/ tribal biases or prejudices
about people, places and families borne out of actual experiences or just mere
stereotypical leanings.

This mindset dates back to the days before urbanization in
various communities and among various people groups. Families and communities
were very closely-knit. Everyone knew everyone else. Everyone knew everyone
else's family pretty well: their history, lineage, positive feats and
accomplishments, negative predispositions etc. Children with a good pedigree
and beautiful history were more desirable as potential marriage partners as
opposed to children from homes and communities whose parents and ancestors were
not so valiant, had certain diseases running in their families or were slaves
to other families in the past!

So marriages were contracted between families, not just
the guy and the girl, and sometimes exchanging children between families was
even a way of strengthening the bonds of friendship or other contractual
agreements between families! People felt safe doing this because they knew the
other family well ( most times their children's new family was just a shout or
short walk away.) So even if any problem arose in the marriage in future, the
parents were just a whisper away and they and their in-laws could mediate in
the crisis and provide direction for the couple!

But then modernization crept in unwittingly.

Children began to move further and further away from home
to study, pursue careers and businesses. And gradually but surely, parents no
longer had a front-row seat in the affairs of their children's lives because of
distance necessitated by the exigencies of modern day living.

Times have changed!

Many parents and families however still want to insist on
some of the modus operandi handed down to them by their own parents and
grand-parents regarding who their children marry.

Insisting that children marry only those from their
communities or language group started becoming less fruitful as their children
began to mingle with people from a wider circle of backgrounds, tribes,
cultures and so on.

4. Economic considerations.

Many parents take a myopic look at the potential of a male
suitor ( in most cases) to take care of their daughter and even they the
parents in the future. They look at a guy who is not up 'there' financially as
being incapable of becoming financially buoyant tomorrow. This is especially
true for parents who struggled financially themselves and made a lot of
sacrifices to see their children through school or to learn a vocation. They
figure that their children would be better off marrying someone who is
financially more buoyant than they were so that their child would not 'suffer'
the lack and want that they endured.

For some other parents, they are well to do and raised
their child in comfort and abundance. They therefore want their
child to marry into the same social stratum as they are in and live the kind of
comfortable life they were raised in even in their married life.

So any potential or intending husband or wife had to pass
the test of financial and social suitability.

5. Ignorance on the part of some parents of spiritual
principles and the workings of the kingdom of God.

6. Indiscretion ( lack of wisdom) on the part of singles
and their prospective spouses.

Parents tend to oppose their children's choice of a life
partner when they observe that their children are not being treated well, are
being taken advantage of or have become distant from their other vital
relationships, especially family.

Any right thinking parent would oppose any relationship
that does not bring out the best in their child but rather draws them farther
and farther away from God, fellowship, academic and career pursuits, morality
etc.

6b. Also many parents do not trust their children's judgement
because over the years the children have not demonstrated maturity, sound
judgement and the discipline of a person who is on a mission of making
something good out of their lives.

7. Devilish opposition to the fulfillment of God's purpose
for His children.

Sometimes the devil stirs up opposition in order to thwart
God's purpose for His children.

NOTE:

Not all parental opposition is wrong and
devilish!

Sometimes it could be God's intervention to stop what
might turn out to be a disastrous relationship.

Pr. 14:12 and Pr. 16:25

Proverbs 16:25

25 There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the
end thereof are the ways of death.

How so, you may ask?

i. Some parental opposition to a relationship may be
motivated by true, genuine concern occasioned by actual information about the
guy/girl. Many parents despite the realities of modern day living, still go to
great lengths to carry out independent, unbiased investigations into the lives
of their prospective sons- and daughters- in law. The findings from these
sometimes prompt them to seek to put a stop to the relationship because it
holds the potential for brewing trouble which they do not want for their
children.

ii. Could be foresight ( truth hidden to the child who is
blinded by 'love' for their beloved).

iii. Most parents have an innate sense ( understanding) of
the characteristics and peculiarities of their children, having raised them, as
well as some divine intuition about the prospective husband/wife. So when they
oppose their children's relationship, it is because they sense that the
relationship does not stand a chance of thriving in the future because of the
peculiarities of the parties involved.

4 comments:

An interesting topic for our generation, which now faces the same challenge we thought our parents just didn't seem to get.

I particularly love this verse in Scripture as a parent, "... Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward." (Ps 127:3; NKJV). Mind you, it doesn't exempt us from having to wipe their soiled bums. And just to rub it in a bit, the angel Gabriel's declaration, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David" didn't in any way exempt Mary, the mother of Jesus, from her motherly duties either.

Sometimes parental objections to a child's choice arise from reasons which are just hard to articulate; such as that a particular and unacceptable mode of behaviour appears consistently in the known generations of the suitor. It may be a predilection to infidelity, for example. It may be an inclination to abusive behaviour which demeans or dehumanises their spouses. Sometimes, just sometimes, children simply need to trust the better judgement of their parents who merely say, "Unhn" and when they're disinclined to do that, then ...

Other times of course, parents are simply wrong, because they're, well human.