New Foreign Secretary Johnson ‘too busy’ to stop being an arsehole

The UK’s Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has refused to apologise for a series of insults, slurs and acts of unnecessary cruelty and malice dating back thirty years, saying that it would take too long and that he’s far too busy in his new role as “viceroy to the pygmies”.

Johnson has a long record, or “thesaurus” as he describes it, of offending various world leaders both in his previous capacity as journalist for The Times, The Spectator and Punch and then later as a Conservative backbencher, Mayor of London and Vice-President of the East India Company.

He said that many of his comments during this time have been “misconstrued” and that he is being targeted by “rupple pubble separatists with, uh, an um bongo axe to grind” as he appeared with US Secretary of State John Kerry at a London press conference and candidly stood behind his remarks.

When asked by journalists at this event whether he would apologise for this “thesaurus”, Johnson fidgeted and visibly guffawed before replying.

He said: “Well, as it were, they would, will, we could spend a bloody ruddy long, doff woff, spend ages going through all that out of context, but really there’s no point to the old uh, the old uh, the old uh, wibbling rabble, and I’m much to busy, got to do this job, craff-plah, the pygmies and the negros won’t be viceroy to themselves.”

Mr Johnson also described the contextualising of his past comments into an insulting parlance as “alchemy” and “sordid witchcraft”, and said that he would “happily go twelve rounds” with anybody who suggested he was a bigot, though without clarifying whether he meant boxing or drinking.

Johnson seemed to become more haggard and Oswald Cobblepot-esque during questioning.

Despite this defiant and even paunchy position, Mr Johnson clearly became more irritated as the questions about his attitudes and words refused to go away, and journalists even appeared to begin taking enjoyment out of making him squirm.

A long list of indiscretions was listed during the questioning, including his implications that Francois Hollande was too preoccupied eating cheese and snails to combat terrorism, that Hilary Clinton is a “sadistic, strangely sexy nurse”, and that Barack Obama hates the UK because he’s “a bitter old black”.

Attention was also paid to comments made by Johnson during his time as The Daily Telegraph’s correspondent in Brussels, such as when he claimed that Belgium “needed another Ypres” to boost the country’s tourism industry, and that the Belgians’ only exports were “chocolate and paedophilia, and the former is just so they can lure the children”.

And as he refused to address these remarks, Mr Johnson only seemed to worsen his ordeal as he made a series of baffling faux pas in explaining the goals within his new role, saying he wanted to “simplify Syria”, “tackle issues around the former Egypt” and “put the Shah back into Persia”.

However, Mr Johnson seemed intent on burning this bridge too, as he scoffed at the comment, as well as Kerry’s suggestions that Mr Johnson is misunderstood, by telling the assembled press: “Well, barfenlatt, there you have it – if one of the, one of the old, the good old, the colonial has no beef with me, neither should any of you lot, shump, bloody journalists, splitters.”

When Kerry responded rather curtly that he was trying to be diplomatic, Mr Johnson again shrugged and ruffled his hair and replied “ah, diplomacy; AKA ‘got no longbow'”, prompting another round of questioning regarding Mr Johnson’s allusions to foreign aggression, as the news conference stretched long in to the night.