How the Royals celebrate Christmas

At Christmas time, ones thoughts often turn to Britain's second family, the Windsors. There are many connections between the Royal Family and Christmas - the Queen's speech; the fact that we lick the back of her head dozens of times in the weeks running up to Christmas; or that Jesus also had two birthdays.

New member of the Royals, Kate Middleton, will be celebrating her first Christmas at Buckingham Palace this year. She will find many of the traditions familiar, but some may surprise her. For example, the Royal Family, being impatient Huns, all open their presents on Christmas Eve. Not only that, but the lovely Catherine may find that in her Christmas dinner, her sprouts have been replaced with sauerkraut!

Another disturbing revelation about the monarchy's yuletide celebrations is that after the Queen's speech, when the rest of the country is proudly saluting "God Save The Queen", the Royals are listening to "Deutschland Deutschland Über Alles", even though Britain's anthem actually mentions the Queen.

This is all part of the Germanification of Christmas, which has been ongoing since Queen Victoria decorated the palace with her husband's seasonal cock rings. Later, Prince Albert introduced the Christmas tree into Britain, and by the late 1880s, the fledgeling Luftwaffe were importing hundreds of German trees into the country by dropping them from their airships. Most hit the East End of London, in the often forgotten "First Blitz".

In 1915, at the height of the First World War, Kaiser Wilhelm actually came to Britain to celebrate Christmas with his family at Buckingham Palace. It was only when a butler threatened to leak the story to a rogue newspaper that the Royals decided the visits had to stop. The butler was shot.

However, it is unlikely that the Royal Family will be hanged for treason or anti-Christmas blasphemy at any time soon. I am reliably informed that their continuing Prussian festiveness is all part of a cunning plan to let Britain join the Greater Republic of Germany, and save our doomed economy.