Now that I am in possession of my familiar state of consciousness following my hospital visit of late

I have the luxury of space and quiet to comb through who I am today.

.

“Instead of trusting
that people around you will never betray you
or that your world won’t end or that you won’t die,
you trust what is here.

You save the world by taking responsibility for your awakening
and then where that awakening leads to, you follow.”

~~ Gangaji

.

I enjoyed that I could write my previous blog post ‘tongue in cheek’ as it was.

It said to me that the whole experience did not “GET ME” and take me down.

I am already uninterested enough to avoid hanging out in the drama/trauma; not too much story telling about it.

I remember feeling so altered and hating the feeling but still having it in me to say: “Well Cath..if this is going to be what you have to live with for the rest of your life you better make peace ASAP”.

All we have is now.

And now.

And then another now.

One seems not really that much better or worse than the other to me

Except my vanity would still like no holes in my sweaters to betray the ever present mess lurking in my shadows. Oh well…I bow to that too.

I am so NOT INDEPENDENT anymore.

The past illusion I comforted myself with (my old independent self) was a shiny car built to impress with oiled gears, genteel in their ease of taking corners.

Now I am decidedly INTERDEPENDENT.

Hospital bound I needed stuff:

I needed my core people to pick up the threads of my unravelled mind and negotiate care for me with no direction which they all did with the love and protection of family.

I needed to yell out of the ambulance to my neighbors to call someone who would take care of Emma and know that they would.

I needed help with food and it was there for me.

All this need and provision adds up to LOVE which sounds saccharine in the word’s utter overuse of late

But it has the gravity of the Sacred we all seem so removed from these days.

In particular she cried seemingly inappropriately during DANCING WITH THE STARS. Her emotions are raw and uncomfortably immediate.

She is in a nursing home and deals with much of what I deal with symptomatically.

The roads of age and illness run parallel and way closer than you’d imagine.

I told my friend: “As we get closer to Death our filters are pretty much gone”. This is why it seems the aged revert into childlike behavior.

It’s so weird for us left back in the “looks so good” realm to make a place for non-PC remarks, high octane irritability, defiance, unskilled decision making,
poor grooming, heightened sensitivity and ping pong rationality.

The gifts in “failing” are many I assure you.

For starters I MUST BE TRUE.

Inside an intimate relationship with mortality the rooms there are spread with space, silence, innocence, immediacy, no apologies, great awe and wonder, the salve of simplicity, acceptance, forgiveness and God.

I tear my eyes from the screen and move my attention to her sleeping perfect weight.

My heart slows it’s run

And my brow softens.

It is an effort to return to you with reportage

But You must know

How this very moment is my teacher..

God is very, very quiet

And is not that interested in adding to any collection

No matter how rare or satisfying.

My small dog says: “Stay here with me, Cathy dear. I will show you how it is done without false light or illusion. Stay right here with me and allow my precious weight..listen to the space between my breath. See how I need not move from this spot to add to my perfect Self. Notice how I love you..how I love you even as you disappoint me. Notice my deep listening to your long apology. Watch as I shake it all off and meet you with possibility and Love. Once again.”