Posts Tagged ‘Gross’

I would like to announce, right here on my little blog, that I am hereby instituting a trade embargo against Trader Joe’s. In effect, I will no longer be trading my money for their increasingly questionable goods. The trouble began last year (although I have a hazy memory of some moldy 7-layer dip in or around 2001) when I bit into a Trader Joe’s bran muffin and found myself receiving an unwanted flossing with a previously unknown hair. I am not saying that the hair was necessarily of pubic origin but I am saying that the hair was shorter and curlier than I am accustomed to seeing atop any head that doesn’t belong to Tom Jones. Because I like to make the same mistake repeatedly, I returned to the scene of the crime last month after finding that the price of frozen, organic fruit at Whole Foods is nearly double that of Trader Joe’s fruit. While in the frozen foods aisle, I also picked up a few individual servings of mac and cheese. Because who doesn’t love mac and cheese? Nobody! Oh, wait… I no longer do, since biting into yet another unwanted hair courtesy of Joe and his hairy traders. Thankfully (?!) this one was quite long. When I told my brother this story, he countered with his own hairy escapade from the TJ’s frozen foods aisle. He found a hair in a frozen, chocolate-covered banana. Gross. Really, really gross. True, Trader Joe’s may have great prices but I think that I’ve uncovered their secret to keeping prices so low. I feel it’s highly likely that their Monrovia production lines are staffed by naked, underage slave-apes who are suffering from alopecia. In fact, I’d like to challenge you to prove otherwise.

I have other complaints against Trader Joe’s but I won’t list them all here. Well, maybe just a few:

1. I feel that they certainly must add extra sulfites and nitrates to their wines. Nothing else could explain the ensuing hangovers.

2. Must they sell their bananas individually? Is it that hard to weigh a bunch of bananas? Maybe they could get their Alopecia Apes to help out.

3. Why the hell are so many of their products made on equipment that also processes tree nuts, soy, eggs, dairy, fish and shellfish?! I mean, really? I want my hummus to be processed on equipment that processes hummus. And maybe tabouli and baba ganoush. But that’s it.

4. The shirts that they force their staff to wear remind me of Nick Nolte’s mug shot photo. This is definitely not a plus.

So, did I return to Trader Joe’s for my $2.99 refund? Of course. I told the whole, awful story to the cashier (frozen banana and all). His reply? “That’s disgusting.” You can say that again, Middle-Aged Man Wearing Board Shorts and a Hawaiian Shirt.

I feel very old and very lame even complaining about such a thing but is this not the craziest year ever for Fruit Flies?! I am downright terrified of inhaling one! Everybody I talk to is battling them right now and everywhere I go I hear people swapping tips on how to get rid of them. Yesterday I heard some strangers talking about a trap they made by putting a couple of inches of wine in a jar and then covering the jar with plastic wrap and poking a few holes in the plastic wrap. The gnats go in, get drunk, and can’t get out. Voilà! Gnat Soup! I have this contraption on my counter, right next to the bananas, as we speak. Perhaps by this time tomorrow I will be able to eat without walking around the house in a zigzag pattern while waving my arm in front of my mouth.

Hey, all you loogie hawkers? Can you please knock it the &$%@ off? I went to the grocery store yesterday afternoon to pick up a few incidentals and while loading my groceries into the car I wound up with sputum on my little toe, which somebody had conveniently left right there in the parking lot. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. And really, that is the understatement of the century. If somebody shat on my little toe would I say, “Hey, would you mind not doing that again? It’s sort of a pet peeve of mine.” No. I would beat them senseless with one hand while my other available hand furiously dialed 411, in search of a surgeon to amputate the toe. And, in my opinion, loogie-hawking is no better.

I am a human. I have lungs and they sometimes produce phlegm. But never, not one single time, has said phlegm created such a nuisance that I felt it necessary to release it into the public domain. Never. And you can make that choice, too. There are tissues, paper towels, kerchiefs, densely forested areas, the Sahara Desert and many other spots that are appropriate for your loogies. Sidewalks, parking lots, public grassy areas, etc… are not amongst them. If you have a condition that prevents this from being possible, seek the help of a doctor, a Neti pot, an exorcist… whatever works for you and your lifestyle. But, take heed. I’ve had enough of you and your loogies.

And don’t get me started on The Loogie-Hawker’s evil cousin, The Snot-Rocket-Blowing Runner. Dude, this is not the Olympics. How much is a Kleenex tucked into your short-shorts really gonna slow you down?