February 14, 2011

Barbie Toes

I have been sitting at the computer for much too long now. All the while, I could have undertaken some very important task, but alas, I am too lazy and boring. I can’t even think of a topic to write on because my brain is one big pile of muck and I am the definition of scatterbrained.

The weekend was absolutely lovely and I wish that I could make my parent’s couch my home. Husband can come, too, because all he does is nap and my mom is there to do his wifely things, like cook and wash all of the dirty towels that pile up. Seriously, being a kid is the life, especially if you have the best mom in the world, like I do.

Speaking of wifely duties, I have transformed from selfish, anti-domestic single lady, to perfect Mormon wifey, back to the complete bum that I used to be. It is actually a sad story, especially for the man who wedded me for time and all eternity. Doing the dishes is a thing of the past and I could care less about the grocery store, since all we eat is fast food, anyway (I’m all about my good health, you know).

For a second there, I also forgot about my feminine beauty tactics. You know, the tactics that got me so many hoots and hollers in my younger days. January was essentially a beauty-sapper. I succeeded in taking showers and brushing my teeth, but besides that, I might as well have renounced my female gender (sorry Husband). No pink fingernails, no straight hair, no flossing, no eyebrow waxing, no new clothes, no nothing.

Husband should appreciate my love for gardening, though. He grows tulips; I grow a forest of ridiculous leg hair. And let’s be honest, a forest is a lot more impressive than two tulip plants. Case closed.

My sister-in-law took me to the local beauty school, where we got our glitter on. I kid you not, Barbie would be jealous of these toes. My toes are so fantastic, that I keep stealing glances of their glittering, like I used to do with my engagement ring. The sparkle is out of this world!

Do you know what else is pink, besides my toes and the strawberry cream cheese that I put on my bagel this morning? Actually, nothing that I can think of, but my nose just finished bleeding a deep, dark red, and I guess that’s close enough. It is Valentine’s Day after all, so pink and red totally go together.

Husband and I both got bloody noses this weekend, which I really didn’t mind. In fact, I like my bloody noses, unless they last for more than ten minutes, which is when they get pretty old pretty quick. My nose bled again at work and I enjoyed hearing everyone’s advice on stopping the flow. Turns out, I have had approximately 200,000 nosebleeds in my lifetime and am a library of information on the topic, but thanks anyway. Most interesting to me is the blood clot. Husband and I discussed this phenomenon last night, so it is basically scientific fact. Peer-reviewed, even.

(Skip if you hate blood.) There are two types of blood clots, the annoying kind and the awesome kind. The annoying kind stops the nose from bleeding, but is a hassle because you can’t breathe out of one nostril for at least a day and the darn thing is so sensitive. If you scratch your nose (or pick it, I’m no judge), that nosebleed is coming back for Round 2. Lame. If you have an awesome blood clot, which I had both yesterday and today, the clot comes out, your nose stops bleeding, and you can breathe. Miracle.

(Skip if you still hate blood.) I have two other thoughts about blood that I haven’t been able to share with anyone. Enjoy:

1. The soap in the bathroom at work smells like blood. It has that rusty smell to it and it grosses me out. The first time, I thought it was some kind of bio attack, but that may be because I’ve been watching the 3rd season of 24. Either way, it smells like blood and there are at least two companies at fault: the producer and the buyer. I suggest investing in the pink hand soap that smells really, really, really good. You know which kind I’m talking about, right?

2. I was really tempted to take a picture of the blood in my teeth (the nosebleed) and send it to Husband, but I didn’t. He already thinks of me as a strange being and now, you probably do, too.

I think I have probably rambled enough for one blog post, so I will call it a day. That was only half of the list of my random thoughts within the past 4 hours, so I will bombard you with more garbage tomorrow.

THE TOES.

Yes, I did shave my legs last night, so the forest is now deceased. I hope you're as happy as my husband is.

3 comments:

You are too funn! I have to admit... it makes me happy to see this "strange" side of you. I feel like there is this other side of you that is totally opposite from the quiet girl I know.

I hope the nose bleeds get better! David seems to get those all the time when he's around me. (No spousal abuse here-promise!) He is convinced he has some kind of brain tumor or something. I think he's just a hypochondriac.