Tattooed you?

April 27, 2009

So I’m sitting in my car in a store parking lot this weekend waiting for someone still inside the store. I like to look at people, so I’m doing my people watching thing while I’m waiting — specifically, I’m practicing my particular area of expertise, watching women.

Even more specifically – to be even more self-serving and sexist – I’m trying to look only at pretty women. Unfortunately at this particular moment there didn’t seem to be too many of those around. There were a few, but not many. There were more not-so-nice looking corn-fed women, at least here at the local Walmart. The pickings, ironically, were ‘slim.’

I’ve often said how a cigarette stuck in a woman’s mouth will make even the prettiest woman ugly.

Well, sorry, so do most tattoos.

What is the point of all these tattoos anyway? Everyone trying to be unique? Is it something tribal? And why are most of the of the tattoos ugly and look like 8 year old drew them?

I’m not especially enamored of a “ho stamp” on a woman’s back, but I can deal with those if they’re small and well done. My daughter has one. My daughter-in-law has one. I can also deal with a tiny tattoo on a hip occasionally, preferably something cute or meaningful, but very small. I’ve often threatened kayleigh with one of those in fact, but I can’t stand the idea of marring her skin. Because ultimately, a distraction is a mar.

Far worse for me are those tattoos on the back of a woman’s neck, on a breast, or an upper arm. Who wants a spider climbing up the back of their neck when they’re 65, or for eternity? That should freak a grandchild out, assuming the spider still looks like a spider in 40 years. Or how about a Celtic cross on a breast that stretches in length as a breast sags? There’s some Catholic guilt issues for you. And are all the women with big honking tattoos on their upper arms like Navy vets actually Navy vets?!

And there is simply no way to explain any of these NSFW tattoos. Yikes.

I am especially annoyed at those big fucking ugly blue-green blobs-of-nothing-discernable stuck on a woman’s upper or lower leg. What the hell are those things supposed to be anyway? They look like someone took a handful of paint and slapped it on a leg leaving a palm print. Is it a spider, a dragon, a horse head? Is it a dust bunny? WTF?

Ladies – I’m not apologizing for my 100% pure male outlook and way of thinking. The fact is, I like looking at pretty women. Look at the Annex! And nice legs are a fine attribute for a woman to show and a guy to look at. In fact, they are for looking at, especially when wearing a short skirt or shorts in the summer sun.

But I for one am not going to be looking long if you’ve got a cigarette in your mouth, a screaming eagle on your upper arm, or an enormous blue-green tumbleweed splattered over half your leg.