Each of these blog entries are designed to help you grow personally, spiritually, and in your relationships. As you read each entry, consider how they apply to your unique situation.

1 Timothy2:8- Therefore, I want the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing.

I woke up today to the sight of people attacking each other in Charlottesville, Virginia. There was rioting, blood, and non-stop violence. The thing that came through most to me was the anger of all involved.

This entry could easily get into issues of politics and race, but this is about something greater. This is about anger.

There seems to be increasing amounts of anger in the world. There are multiple groups who feel their voices are not being heard, groups who are looking to advance their world view, groups who are looking to gain power, and groups who are afraid they are losing that power. And they all seem to have a lot of anger.

God knows we get angry. He instilled that emotion in us. The Bible tells us that Jesus himself got angry on several occasions. If we handle our anger well, it can lead to a beneficial outcome. But when anger goes unchecked, it can become destructive.

As I watched things unfold in Charlottesville, I thought about how deeply some people hold their views, how complicated the issues are, and what it would take for any of those issues to be resolved.

I tell many of my clients that when things feel bigger than you, give it to God. I believe that we are called to treat each other with love and respect (even our enemies) and allow God to do His work. That is what 1 Timothy 2:8 is all about. Instead of lifting our hands against each other, we need to lift them toward God in prayer and allow Him to intervene.

I don't know who among those in Charlottesville consider themselves a follower of Christ. Those engaged in violence certainly weren't looking toward Him to bring clarity and peace. They were trying to solve issues way bigger than them and ones that will see no resolution without a committed focus on God's intervention.

He provides justice to those who are oppressed, mercy to those who are suffering, and love to those who are targets of hate. He is the great overcomer, and we need Him now as much as ever.

Occasionally, I will have a client walk in my door who seeks counseling for a particular problem, but the session becomes about something else. Rob was one of those clients. He was in his fifties and admitted having no close friends. Rob discussed that he had been hurt by many people in his life including those who he had thought were friends. When he felt wronged by someone, he tended to cut them loose. He came to see me thinking he had issues with trust.

I saw him as having issues with forgiveness.

It is inevitable that we are going to make mistakes and do things to cause hurt feelings. That is just the nature of being human. It is how wee respond to these hurts that will decide the ultimate success of a relationship.

Probably the greatest barrier to offering or asking for forgiveness is our own ego. Our ego tells us that we are important and that we are entitled to be treated in a certain way. When we are slighted, ego is that inner voice that says, "How dare you!" It goes against our nature to let someone off the hook or to admit our own wrongdoing.

However, having an attitude of forgiveness is one of our greatest callings as Christians. It is an acknowledgement that we are all sinners and fall short of His glory. When we recognize our own transgressions and that we are in constant need of forgiveness, it becomes much easier to forgive others.

We are called to forgive not only those who are repentant but also those who do not ask for it, In John 8, Jesus is presented with an adulterous women who the Pharisees wanted to have stoned to death. Jesus responded to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Jesus that told the woman, "Then neither to do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."

She did not ask for His forgiveness but He granted mercy anyway. He displayed grace while the religious leaders of the day displayed judgment and a rigid adherence to the law. I sometimes wonder the impact that grace had on that woman's life. Considering how she was treated by the religious leaders, it is unlikely that she became a church-goer. However, it is much more likely that she became a follower of Jesus. With one act of grace and mercy, He changed her life forever, and probably the lives of many others who witnessed this.

We have the same ability to impact the lives of others through forgiveness. When we feel that others have wronged us, the burden is on us to forgive. We have an opportunity to follow the example of Jesus, and forgiveness is one of the greatest ways for the love of God to shine through us.

A few years ago, I was discussing different job opportunities with a close friend and expressing concern over where certain paths may take me. At one point in the conversation, he said, "It's not where you are, it's who you're with." I realized as soon as he said this that some of the opportunities I was considering would take me too far from those I loved.

I decided that maintaining close relationships was more important than increasing my income.

I think about what he said from time to time, and it reminds me that, in a world where everything seem disposable, people are not replaceable. Now, I am not saying it is wrong to further your career or try to maximize your income. Sometimes we are being called to pursue certain opportunities. However, I know that when I have chosen people over almost anything else, I have never regretted it.

I was on a flight recently between Washington DC and Charlotte when I began conversing with a man sitting next to me. It turns out that he works Monday-Friday in Washington and returns to Charlotte each weekend to see his family. He was under no financial pressure to do this but felt it would put him in line for a possible promotion in the future.

At the same time, he reported missing his family terribly and openly wondered if the arrangement was worth it. Time with his family had become his sacrifice and he did not seem particularly happy. He was discovering that "It's who you're with."

I have known many people entering retirement who had the freedom to live wherever they wanted. In deciding where to retire, they would discuss the weather, cost of living, and distance from loved ones for each potential location. More often than not, I have seen the factors prioritized in that order. This frequently results in a decision to retire in a tropical paradise nowhere near family or friends.

Over time, many who make that decision have reconsidered and relocated again to be closer to loved ones. They discovered that "It's who you're with."

We tend to lose sight of what truly matters in our lives and overvalue the unimportant. Many years ago, my personal quest for cars, houses, and boats was an example of this. I was missing the true richness in my life. I had a wonderful family who was supportive and loving. We all had our health and we enjoyed being around each other. Who could ask for more?

I was a success based solely on all of that. However, I cared as much about what was parked in my garage as I did about who was sitting at my dinner table. God had blessed be with these great relationships, but I chose not to see them as sufficient for fulfillment. I only discovered much later that "It's who you're with."

Those who possess this essential for building relationships recognize that people should always be the priority. This is evident in where they live, in how they spend their time, and in their lasting personal relationships.

In Genesis, we find a message stating that it is not good for man to be alone. God blessed us with each other. Recognizing the importance of those around us unlocks one of the true treasures of this life. Every person who has been placed in our lives is a gift. It is up to us to allow that gift to be a source of enrichment.

There was a time in my life when my focus was on achieving success as the world defines achievement. I believed that God had given me certain abilities, and I was going to use them to attain personal goals. It was my life, and I had a plan to get where I wanted to go. I thought I would get there because the plan was smart and well-thought-out.

As I arrived at my goals, I realized that the achievement did not feel as successful as I thought it would. There was an emptiness that I could not explain. The problem was related to a question I had failed to consider: "Whose life is it?"

Much of my life was about accumulating material goods and positioning myself to take extended vacations. Anyone else would have looked at my life and thought I was happy and fulfilled. But the Lord saw disorder. He knew that He was not first in my heart, and even worse, He had been marginalized.

I had been taught throughout my childhood that true happiness is only found in the Lord. Money and material possessions are fine but are also insufficient for fulfillment. I had also been taught that the Lord must always be the first priority, and everything else falls into place as a result. While I knew these lessons to be true, I was living as if they were a lie.

In the story of the rich, young ruler in Matthew 19, the ruler approaches Jesus as asks, "What must I do to inherit eternal life?" He had kept all of the commandments, but Jesus said to him, "One thing you lack. Go sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." He left feeling distraught about Jesus' statement because he had great wealth. No where else in the Bible do we see advisement to sell everything. However, Jesus could see what was in this man's heart and that he needed to give up his love of the material. He knew it would interfere in this man's ability to follow Him. His possessions had become his idol, and nothing can come before Him.

If we are too focused on building a comfortable earthly life, we cannot be pursuing God with the necessary urgency. No where in scripture does it say that Christians should pursue comfort in this world. Instead, we are called to make sacrifices and give generously.

I was always a pretty good basketball player. As I went through junior high, I was one of the bigger kids on the team and often led the team in either scoring or rebounding. I assumed this would continue as I got older, but something weird happened during that summer before I started high school. All of the other kids seemed to catch up to me in height.

My advantage had been negated. Although my game had not worsened, all of a sudden I felt like one of the worst players based solely on the physical changes in others. As a result, I turned in one of my worst seasons. The comparison had crippled me.

Our greatest barrier to contentment is our tendency to compare ourselves to others. It is human nature to see the grass as always being greener in the lives of others, no matter how brown it actually is. We can easily think of friends and neighbors as leading more successful and fulfilling lives. But are they really? On what do we base this comparison?

What makes this association dangerous is our inclination to attribute positive traits to others based on very limited information. For example, when we meet someone to whom we're physically attracted, we generalize and assign many other positive traits to them.

Only after we have spent significant time with them does the fantasy begin to crumble and our view of them becomes more reality-based.

So what does this have to do with contentment? When we always assume overly positive traits about others, we have no healthy frame of reference with which to compare ourselves. It becomes a barrier to contentment to assume that others are consistently looking, feeling, and living better than ourselves.

Unfortunately, we tend to do the opposite to ourselves. Our focus is usually on our problems and the difficulty of our journey. it seems that we are in a competition to see who can project the greatest amount of unhappiness. We tend to bemoan yard work instead of being thankful for the yard. We grumble about our commute to work instead of being thankful for the job. We complain about belly fat instead of being thankful for our health.

True contentment is independent of any comparison to others. If you are content with he provisions of God, you cannot be concerned with the provisions of your neighbors.

Spiritually contented people realize that God blesses us all in the context of His greater plan. There is no need to worry over what we do not have. If we need it, God will deliver it.

Even though I know this, there are still moments when I struggle with contentment. My struggle does not come from comparing myself to others or chasing material possessions. My struggle comes when I can't easily identify God's plan in my life.

Not long ago, I felt called to a ministry in another state. This change required me to uproot my family and move across the country. It took significant faith to leave my known life for an unknown one. Everyone around me felt strongly that this work would be a major success and I felt the same. However, the ministry was unbearably slow to take off and I questioned many times if I was actually in line with God's plan for me and my family.

After a longer time than I wanted, my ministry flourished in ways I had not envisioned for its impact on the community.

My problem had been that I had failed to allow myself to experience the contentment that comes from pursuing His calling and was questioning why God was not working in my life on my time frame. My attitude was one that is shared by many people, including Christians. We fail to accept that our plan, or even our idea of His plan, may be different from what He has in mind.

He is the only one who can see the big picture of how we fit into the universe, while we don't even know what the next minute holds. He alone knows His plan.

Equally important as knowing that we are subject to His plan is being able to identify his blessings. Perhaps the story in the Bible that best illustrates the importance of recognizing blessings is in Luke 15. The story of the prodigal son is as much about the Father's reception of the prodigal son as it is about the admonishment of his older brother.

The older brother of the prodigal son felt his Father was unjust to have a big celebration for the son who had gone away and squandered money. The father rejoiced in the fact that the prodigal son had seen the error of his ways and had returned to the family. At the same time, the father had to remind the older son of his own gifts. He had forgotten about his own blessings.

Our Heavenly Father operates in a similar way. His love is so great that He sees past our transgressions. He has blessed all of us, not because we earned those blessings, but because of his grace and mercy. There are times in our lives when we feel like the prodigal son and others when we feel like the older brother. The Lord want us to remember that the fattened calf is waiting for us all.

As bad as it is to admit, for much of my life, I generally viewed people as interchangeable parts. In my eyes, friends had their purpose for my specific situation at the time. As my life situation changed or someone moved away, I figured I could always make new ones.

I have had many people in my life with whom I have lost touch. These people were important to me at different times but that importance faded away as my circumstances changed. I had convinced myself that maintaining contact with those who were no longer in close proximity was a pointless endeavor. It felt like wasted energy that could have been better spent elsewhere.

As I look back, I have come to realize that I was thinking of even my close friends as disposable and this makes me sad. Even though true friendships are hard to find, I was too willing to walk away from them. Now, as I reflect, my understanding is that friendships provide us strength during the bad times and help us celebrate the good times.

As our society becomes more mobile, our friendships are at greater risk of becoming short-term, lacking depth, and developing what I call "newspaper relationships."

These are relationships where conversation consists of little more than news, weather, and sports. Those engaged in these relationships do not share struggles, disclose vulnerabilities, or encourage each other. Emotionally, there is no downside, as this is a safe way to interact with each other. However, limiting your engagement with people in this way prevents you from experiencing the possibility of true friendships.

More recently, the relationships I have built with my friends have deepened through being vulnerable and sharing my own fears and shortcomings. In nurturing these friendships, there are 4 questions I ask myself to identify true friendship:

1. Can I be my true self with my friend?

2. Can I express both my vulnerable moments and times of strength?

3. If they prayed for me, would they know what I need?

4. How would my friend answer these same questions about me?

When we know someone well enough to answer these questions, we are able to give and receive support and encouragement. God knows that this is good for us and directs us as Christians to share with, and confess to one another.

I encourage you to take a few moments and think of your current relationships in light of these questions. Which of these questions is a consistent challenge for you? With whom? What changes do you need to make in that relationship be able to answer any of these questions in the affirmative?

What a weird question, right? It's probably not something you think about often. But the way you answer that question is hugely important for your emotional and spiritual health.

So, what is authenticity? There are probably a number of ways to define it, but I think of it with two criteria in mind:

When daily life lines up with priorities.

When words are consistent with actions.

These are the measures I use when looking at myself and also at the clients I work with. Being authentic is vital not only to knowing who you are but also for others to know who you are.

I frequently see counseling clients where a lack of authenticity is at the root of their problems. For example, saying you love your wife while engaging in an extramarital affair. Or stating that a certain goal is important to you while doing little to achieve it. These may seem like extreme examples, but they are simply variations of the same problem.

One of the activities I have many of my clients do is identify the two most important things in their lives. Because many of my clients tend to be Christian, I often hear "God" and "Family". The problem is when there is little evidence that these are actually the most important things in their lives. This then becomes the framework in establishing their goals for counseling.

Even though we all need authenticity in our lives, many people struggle in attaining it. It's one thing to identify authenticity as important, it's another thing knowing how to get there.

With that in mind, I am offering up 4 questions to consider in helping you live more authentically:

1. What is important to you and why?

At any given point throughout your life, it is vital to know what is important to you. This is different for each person. If this is a difficult question for you to answer, don't worry. You may be surprised at how many people struggle with identifying the most important aspects of their own lives. When I started doing this work several years ago, I was stunned at how many people respond with blank stares when asked this question. If you too have difficulty with this, consider what you look forward to each day, what gives you hope in the hard times, what would be the most painful thing to lose, or what have you worked the hardest to attain. These can give you a head start in determining the most important aspects of you life.

Alternatively, you may be able to identify many things that are important. For the purposes of this exercise, I recommend paring your list down to two or three things and allowing those to be your focus going forward. It is much easier to make life choices when a few priorities stand out above the rest.

2. Can others see what is most important to you?

This question is the essence of authenticity. If you have a clear vision for what is important to you, what is the outward evidence of this? It is unlikely that you go around asking others what is most important to them or that others ask you. So unless someone asks you this question directly, how can they know the important things in you life? What do others see when they look at your life? Are the important things obvious?

The authentic life showcases the important things.

3. In what situations is your authenticity most easily compromised?

There's a reason that many people don't live with authenticity. It can be really hard. It often requires sacrifice and a tough skin. For example, let's say that honesty is something that's really important to you. What happens if, during the course of your job, you are asked to do something that requires dishonesty or deception? What sacrifices would be required to maintain authenticity? Knowing where you are most vulnerable to attack allows you to prepare a more capable defense.

4. How can you turn those difficult situations into opportunities?

Each of these situations are actually opportunities to reaffirm the important things in your life. Whenever you feel pressure to compromise your values, sticking to those values makes them even more ingrained. Your resistance to that pressure also increases your chances of making a positive impact on others and encouraging those who share your priorities.

I recommend that you to ask yourself these questions on occasion to help ensure that the priorities in your life are not just discussed but are also lived out.

In my years of working as a counselor, I have seen people in the darkest times of their lives. They were looking for help and healing in moments of desperation. I have also experienced darkness in my own life. If you are unfamiliar with my story, you can find it here.

This is the short version: Ten years ago, I was living what seemed to be the picture-perfect life. I had an education, a thriving business, and a loving family. I invested heavily in each of these and believed that the combination of those things would lead to a relatively trouble-free life. I did not realize at the time that I had become over-reliant on those investments while virtually ignoring my spiritual life. As a result, I lost my moral compass and greed took over my life with disastrous effects. I went through a period of darkness that forced me to re-evaluate and re-prioritize my approach to life. One of the most important lessons to come out of that time was learning the value of darkness.

When I talk about "darkness", I am referring to the difficult times and trials that we all face from time to time. Some of those times are darker than others. We can usually find a way out if we persevere. Other times, we question how we will go on. In these moments, it is easy to wonder how something so painful can have value.

Whenever we are going through difficult times, there are two primary ways to respond.

One response is focusing on the darkness.

I remember having some fears of the dark as a child. I have a few memories of laying in bed at night in a pitch black room. Every sound was magnified and each flash of light was noticed. The darkness limited my vision which created fear. I remember looking forward to sunrise.

That's how darkness works. The difficult times can strip us of our vision of our next steps and we just try to hold on waiting for "sunrise".

The other type of response to darkness is using it to find light.

I love a good fireworks show. It's one of the reasons I look forward to July 4th each year. On that day, you can find fireworks anywhere. The only downer with fireworks is that you have to wait until after sunset before the show starts. Can you imagine what a daytime fireworks show would look like? You might be able to make out a few sparkles in the sky but that's about it. The darkness is essential to see the show in its fullest.

I think the darkness in our lives can serve the same purpose if we allow it. When we experience tough times, we tend to re-evaluate our purpose, priorities, and choices. As a result of this re-evaluation, a new pathway may emerge that we had not previously considered. It's likely that we never would have seen that path if we hadn't experienced the difficult time.

In this way, we can use our problems to find our path. It is also an opportunity to build our faith as God delivers us from those difficult times. So, even though darkness is inevitable, it is also often necessary to illuminating our next steps.

Thank God for the hard times.

Have you successfully navigated tough times? I'd like to hear about it. Leave your comments below.

I want to talk to you about one of the hardest things you will ever do. Recognizing that you want to change your life is easy. Knowing how you want to change is more difficult. Achieving that change is the hardest of all.

I have found that accomplishing difficult tasks is more manageable when I break them down into smaller parts. That's why I like lists and bullet points. It makes a complex task more concise and allows me to track my progress more easily. So, I'm going to to break down the complicated task of achieving change into 4 steps. I have developed these through years of helping others meet their goals. The steps are listed in the order in which they need to be completed.

1.Identify Your Goal

This may seem like an obvious step. However, I see so many people who charge into achieving change without have considered where they are going. It's like having the mentality of, "I don't know where I'm going,, but I know I don't like where I am. So I'm pursuing something different." That's changing just for the sake of change. The result of this approach is wandering through life with no clear purpose.

Pursuing change without a goal is like starting a road trip without an idea of where you are headed. You may come across some interesting things along the way, but more often will take unnecessary turns that lead to nothing. And beyond that, without a destination in mind, you won't even know when you've arrived.

Having a goal will give you a sense of purpose and will supply you a compass for each step as you go about achieving change. Because this step is so essential, don't do anything until you have a goal in mind.

2. Have the Courage to Pursue Change

You know you're not satisfied with certain aspects of your life. In fact, you're so unsatisfied that you've gone about identifying the need for change as well as establishing your goal for that change. This is the point at which many people will stop. In almost each of these people, fear is what stops them in their tracks. They are afraid of failing, afraid of what others may think, afraid of the sacrifices they'll need to make. The list of possible fears is endless. And giving in to those fears is crippling.

Imagine you are playing baseball, standing at home plate with bat in hand, waiting for the pitch. A home run would represent your ultimate goal. The only chance at a home run is to swing the bat. I have seen many people who were afraid to take that swing. They were afraid of "striking out" and how everyone would react to that. What they failed to realize is that they can strike out without swinging. They can watch each pitch go by and never take a chance. After so many pitches, they either strike out or walk to first base. Either way, they are falling far short of a home run.

Every chance you have at failure offers an opportunity for success. That's okay. You are not pursuing failure. But if you swing enough times, success will come. If you are ever going to achieve your goal, you have to muster up the courage to pursue it.

3. Be Intentional In Pursuing Change

If you have a vision for where you want to be and possess the fortitude to get there, you're obviously going to need a plan of how to achieve your goal. Being intentional is not about developing a plan. It is about how you work your plan. This is about things like dedicating sufficient time to work your plan, making sure you utilize the necessary emotional supports along the way (you will need them), and frequently reminding yourself why you're pursuing change in the first place.

You must also be intentional about prioritizing your goal. Some coaches and advisers would tell you to make your goal the priority in your life. However, that can easily lead to an imbalanced life and burnout. I believe it is vital that your goal fit within the context of the most important things in life. Specifically, if the pursuit of your goal fits neatly behind pursuing the Lord and prioritizing family, you are in a good place. Maintaining that perspective requires you to be intentional.

4. Start!

Once you have your goal, the courage to pursue it, and possess a mindset to be intentional, you are ready to go. I know it is easy to give in to whatever feels good in the moment or to put off what needs to be done until tomorrow. Eventhough doing nothing seems easy now, sontinuing to do nothing results in nothing.

Get started. Take that first step to work your plan. It is the first step in achieving the change you want.

Have you been successful in achieving change? What was your key? Let me know in the comments section below.

I'm going to ask you a stupid question. Have you ever dreamed of living a different kind of life? Of course you have. We all have. Maybe it's a different career or a change to your family situation. It could be anything. We all have things we want to change. The real question is: How do you know when you need to change?

In this entry, I am going to show you the 4 signs that indicate you are in need of change in your life. As you read through this, you may find that all 4 signs do not apply to you. However, if you can positively identify with even one of these, there likely exists a need for change.

So, let's get started.

1. When your current path results in consistent disappointment or discouragement.

This may seem fairly obvious, but I see many people who miss this sign altogether. I have come across countless people who are simply trudging through life. As life has become more difficult or less satisfying, they tend to put their head down and press on with no plan to do anything different. Oftentimes, there is no goal setting or positive outlook. They have come to accept that their current circumstance must be their lot in life. This often occurs when someone has consistently fallen short of their hopes and dreams and becomes discouraged. All they can see are the hurdles to a different life and no clear path to get what they want. You can identify these people by their talk of "trying to be realistic" with their goals. Are you one of these people? Did you used to dream of a different life than the one you now live? Have you given up hope because of past disappointments? If so, you needa new path. You need change.

2. When you have lost sight of purpose in your life.

Many people who have sought my help fall into this category. Working as a counselor/coach for the past 20 years, I have seen how common it is for people to live without purpose. Most often, they have either not considered their purpose, or know it and choose not to pursue it out of fear.

I can identify with these people. I lived without purpose for many years and, honestly, never really thought much about it. That was true of me until I began living a life that was inconsistent with my values and paid a steep price. That price shook me to my core and caused me to re-evaluate everything in my life. That is how I discovered my purpose.

I am a firm believer in having a vision for each area of your life and being intentional in pursuing that vision. That is where purpose comes in. It gives you the fuel to follow that vision even in the difficult times. If you are living without purpose, you have a need for change.

3. When you have difficulty bouncing back from times of struggle.

It would be great if life was smooth sailing. But life can be unpredictable and the toughest times often come without warning. Maybe you've been through a job loss, the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one, or something else. You know how hard it is to go through that. It is in those moments that life can get pretty bleak and next steps can be difficult to identify. What do you do? What carries you through? It is essential to be able to have confidence in the future even when the path is not clear. Maybe you're going through one of those times and feel like you've lost your "bounce-back." Or maybe you've been through one of these times in the past and things just haven't been the same since. If you can identify with this, you have a need for change.

4. When God seems distant

There are times in life when faith feels like a luxury. Kind of like, "I'll figure out the whole God thing after I figure my way out of this." All too often, we make our faith some distant goal on life's hierarchy of needs. Our focus is on the crisis or the disappointment as opposed to the one who leads us through it. Maybe there was a time is your life when God came into clearer focus or maybe you never considered Him at all. For each of us, He has gone before us and laid the path. We just have to be willing to walk it with Him. If God is not part of your change process, you have a need for change.

While these 4 signs are important to identifying your need for change, they don't tell you how to change. In my next entry, I am going to review the 4 steps necessary for achieving change.

Are you in need of change? Have you successfully experienced change in your life? Leave a comment and tell me about it.