-Writing on the blog has not happened….but I’m giving up on this one, at least not everyday, it’s too much to do what with the other things.

I was just thinking that I haven’t had night terrors in a long time, in fact I barely remember the last one. There have been a couple of nightmares, but that is different than a night terror. Maybe recognizing them consciously has been the answer, but I feel like they are just lurking at the edge of awareness waiting to catch me at my lowest. The caves have definitely helped improve courage, it’s a different type of courage since it is more physical, but it’s like exercising the same muscle. Which brings me to another reflection: quests as a way to access the mind.

Now, I’ve always seen the mind as something, well, mental. That’s not entirely true, I know it’s deeply seated in the body, the relationship goes both ways, the mind affects the body but the body can also affect the mind. So in order to access more of my mind I want to go on physical quests. A quest must be something that I don’t normally do, that involves using muscles I don’t normally use. The caving definitely counts as a quest, but quests can also be small things like brushing my teeth with my left hand instead of my right.

Exploring caves is very representative of what I want to do in my mind. It can be treacherous, scary, dangerous at times, but you find the beauty in true darkness, the crystals in the corners, incredible resilient rock formations, shy little creatures, and more of who you really are. By darkness I mean the absence of light, not something evil, just true absence of light, it’s beautiful. My fellow cavers the other day went off exploring to see if part of the cave was flooded. I stayed behind and turned off my light, I couldn’t hear them anymore. I was well and truly alone in the darkness. I could see the bright flashes of impressions inside my eyes still lingering around, I wonder what would happen if I could have more time alone in the true darkness, and even those fade away. Things might just get interesting. I have to somehow manage to have time alone in a cave, that’s a quest. Maybe I can lock myself in the bathroom, put a towel on the door crack and turn off the lights…

3. yoga in the mornings (this one pops up in every list I write and yet I’m still not doing it)

4. Fast for three days (drink water of course) or fast during the day and eat only when it’s dark. I’ll have to decide which one to do, somehow it never seems like a good time to fast.

5. Sleep only 5 hours a night for a week, it also never seems like a good time to do this one.

6. Run until I faint- might be hard on the knees, but has some potential. Need to build up bone strength before attempting this.

7. Meditate (meaning sit quietly for a period of time) – another ignored favorite on my lists.

8. Stop writing lists that never get done.

9. Practice pelvic breathing, could be done in conjunction with 7.

10. Do not masturbate for a month….ok…this one I’ll attempt starting today (have attempted many times and failed) . With this one I’m afraid I’ll get too anxious and desperate and start going boy-crazy like a teenager (it’s been known to happen to me). Yes…I think this is an interesting one. We’ll start here, it will be one or two weeks before it gets hard to do and that is already half the time. Another fear with this one is that I will lose my sexual energy, I feel that if I don’t kindle it it withers and sputters out…and then I’ll go cold again.

11. Do not wear glasses for a week…not sure if it’s a terribly good idea considering I spend most of my time in front of a computer screen, but might have potential.

12. Stand in the cold until I shiver uncontrollably

Ok… first quest decided…self abstinence (does that term even exist?), I hope I can handle the sexual energy. It’s not about making it go away like in the past, it’s about keeping it around and doing something other than sexual activities with it. It can get out of hand, it’s a difficult one to manage. Honestly, I haven’t truly tried to do this since it awakened in me a couple of years ago. So, here goes nothing, I’ll post my progress along, let’s see what happens.

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One thought on “Quests”

All the best with the ‘self-abstinence.’ In my experience it is a very interesting journey of self-discovery. I found it made me more sensitive to my own inward sexuality. That is, the sexual feelings that arise on their own. Interested to see how it fits in with your healing in general. (not in a ‘voyeuristic’ way) Sometimes the sexual feelings I experienced would lead to remembering abuse from the past. Take care.
Jessie.