Those were the words I frequently said to myself as a young man. I know what you’re thinking. “When was that? Yesterday?”

Among the officials is DETECTIVE JIM “SWERVE” SWIERCZYNSKI (40s, testing the limits of department fitness guidelines as much as the stitching on his cheap suit). He’s standing beside DEPUTY CHIEF KURT RUTZ (little more years, little less weight, crisp uniform).

SWERVE

Press for a new detective? Really?

RUTZ

Don’t.

SWERVE

You know, I took an impressive dump this morning. Think we should get channel nine down here for that?