Mariah, who thinks she was born to be on TV, clearly spends a lot of time watching reality TV and studying the mannerisms and catch phrases of other reality tv stars. If Tamar Braxton, Sheree Whitfield, Sheree Fletcher, Phaedra Parks, and Andrea Kelly (did I miss anyone?) got busy and made a baby, it'd be Mariah. It's Mariah's birthday, and she and her friends are going to have a fabbbbulous time because – you better check your email! – she's the queen bee. Mariah is married to emergency room physician Dr. Aydin Huq.

Kari (Holy puffy lips, Batman!) is the first one to arrive. Duh, says Mariah, because she's white. Kari is married to orthopedic surgeon Dr. Duncan Wells. "There are many different types of doctors," explains Kari. "But the most respected are the surgeons because they're playing with the big tools and they're bringing in the cash." Kari lets us know that her outward appearance doesn't come easy. It takes a lot of botox, collagen, and silicon work.

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Toya is married to emergency medicine doctor Dr. Eugene Harris. According to Toya, she was born and raised in the ghetto. However, now that she's a doctor's wife, she doesn't have the time for that "ghetto mentality" and is always on top of her game. Mariah and Toya don't really like each other but they're each 100% committed to faking it.

The doctors, Dr. Jackie and Dr. Simone, come to Mariah's party together. Err, I mean, Check your email! They all had to come together, HONEYYYY! #groan

Apparently, Simone dragged Jackie to the party, and Jackie (aka Dr. Diva) regrets it as soon as she sees panty hose and peep toe shoes. Jackie and Simone are complete opposites. Jackie says, "Simone drinks, I do not. I work out, Simone does not. I have great fashion sense, Simone. Dot. Dot. Dot." Simone is like, At night, I'm going to take off this white coat and kick it.

Quad, who is great friends with Mariah, is the last Married to Medicine lady to come to the party. Quad is married to psychiatrist Dr. Gregory Lunceford. "There is a huge stigma attached to psychiatry," shares Quad. "I don't think that the profession is as respected as some other specialties." She wants us to know that her husband didn't go to no rinky dink, honey. She says that Gregory went to the same university as Barak Obama, adding, "How many people do you that has graduated from University of Chicago and Duke? Right. Not. Very. Many." Quad waves her finger at us to emphasize her last three words.

The other ladies are not sure if Quad fits the "doctor's wife" mold. Kari offends Quad when she refers to Gregory as a psychologist. Quad says that Kari is obviously throwing shade. Toya is like, We're totally stuck with Quad now that she married a doctor. Poor us. Tacky Toya, as Quad calls her, informs us that Gregory canceled his impending nuptials to Quad two weeks prior to the big day. Via group text. (The wedding went on as planned.) Who does that?! Never mind who does that, Toya wants to know who would MARRY the person who does that. "I didn't grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth," Toya says. "I can see ghetto a mile away. She probably dated a drug dealer at some point and lucked up on the doctor dude at the grocery store." Obviously, Kari and Toya enjoy poking the bear.

The next morning, Mariah wins the award for most obnoxious entrance ever. Joining Kari and Toya, she's all, "What's the tea? Oh, I just love that pool. I mean, it's not a lake (like she has) but it'll DO! She will DO! Yes, honey, last niGHT! Let's talk about last niGHT! What are we going to do with Miss QUAD?!?" Then, as if a switch was thrown, Mariah returns to normal, calmly talking about the pressure Quad must feel now that she's a doctor's wife. Mariah asks Kari and Toya to be patient with Quad.

Dr. Jackie and Dr. Simone feed off each other really well. Simone tells Jackie that her buff arms are disgusting; Jackie tells Simone that her six-pound weight loss isn't noticable. Then, Jackie gives Simone a hard time about not wearing heels, and Simone jests, "I'm not like you. I'm not a diva in the operating room. I actually am a doctor." Their jab sessions are playful, not mean-spirited, and I look forward to more of their scenes.

It's date night for Kari. She sends her kids away with an unidentified woman and puts on makeup and sexy lingerie. Duncan comes home and wants to talk business. Did I mention that Kari wants to jump Duncan's bones despite the fact that he's sporting royal blue crocks? Nevertheless, Kari and Duncan talk business right up until he's called back to the hospital. Kari handles her disappointment well.

Meanwhile, Mariah meets with her event planner, Jamie, to plan a "Doctors on the Dock" party. She plans to host the party at her home. "I have a very modest home," says a coy Mariah. "Ha! Catch that dirt! Yes honey, she has a beautiful house!" #sigh Speaking of houses, Toya feels "trapped" in her "too small" house. Actually, she just found a neighborhood that screams MONEY!, and that's where she wants to be. A neuteredEugene doesn't even put up a fight, saying, "Happy wife, happy life."

Quad and Gregory discuss the fight that led to his "the wedding is off" group text. Quad tells us that she and Gregory fought, she threw a bowl at his head, he called the police, and they were both arrested. In the next breath, Quad says that nobody knows about this and nobody, especially Toya and Kari, can find out. Um. Too late?

Meanwhile, Jackie invites Mariah to her home to talk about how things went down with Quad at Mariah's birthday party. Jackie feels sad. Mariah tells Jackie that she feels negative energy, adding, "Your presence can be intimidating. It wasn't that you did anything wrong but your body language says that you were sizing up the room." Jackie apologizes and says she's trying to better control how she comes across in social situations. In her talking head, Jackie shares, "When women lose their manners and act out in a social setting, especially women of color, I'm deeply saddened." Jackie preaches about how women, M.D.s or M.R.S. M.D.s, should not fight, pull hair, or point fingers and be able to express different opinions without belittling and being disrespectful. Someone please get her a copy of Reality TV for Dummies Smart People because she obviously has no idea how this is about to go down.

Next, Mariah rings Quad's doorbell, and Quad says "she's coming, wait a minute, she's coming, she has on heels, honey" the whole way to the door. Mariah, "Yassss, honey!" Quad, "Yassss, honey!" Mariah, "You checked your EMAIL to know and saw we was wearing YELLOW todAY!" Ugh. Make. It. Stop. Mariah and Quad get right to it – Tacky Toya or Treacherous T – is nothing but Detroit trash. Mariah begs Quad to start acting like a physician's wife by stop reacting to Toya's taunts. Quad says she's trying – real hard – but she's Memphis bred and in Memphis you learn to get them before they can get you.

"It's a hard knock life, but I made it," says Quad. "She's a simple chick. Do you understand that? Because you couldn't be nothing else but simple if you're worried about somebody else's business. Get back, Jack. Fall back, Slim. Because you don't want none of this." Then, Mariah's all like, Ooooh, let's not forget about Miss Kari! Quad is like, They're all treacherous! Birds of a feather flock together! Mariah and Quad toast to a fabbbbulous upcoming Docs on the Dock party.

I feel like I am watching a Saturday Night Live parody of a show titled Real Housewives of Atlanta General. Next week on Married to Medicine, Quad can't control her claws and Kari reacts. Plus, one of Simone's patient deals with some potentially devastating news.

TELL US – YOUR THOUGHTS ON MARRIED TO MEDICINE? WILL YOU WATCH NEXT WEEK? WHO ARE YOU FEELING OR ALREADY OVER?