There it is, beneath the thoughts, the chatter, the doubt, the irritation, the barriers against love in all of its varied manifestations: the fear of loss, the fear of change, the excruciating awareness that we will, all of us, ultimately, be separated from the ones we love. At times it seems one of the cruelest realities of life on this planet: that we can love so deeply, but eventually we will separate. Yet as much as we can rail against life, beat our heads against the walls of the universe, argue, bargain, and rage, at some point we need to come into acceptance of death if we are to live our lives with any measure of peace. Death is what is, and to resist what is leads to suffering.

Somewhere along the way we learned to bow down to every thought and feeling that crosses into consciousness. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that we never learned along the way how to navigate the sometimes tricky road of thoughts and feelings, meaning how to cultivate the muscle of discernment that allows us determine which thoughts are true and which are false; which feelings are originating from health and which are rooted in fear.

Unless you learn the skill of discernment, you will become a complete victim to your thoughts and feelings. A thought enters your mind like “I don’t love my partner enough” or “I have cancer” … Click here to continue reading...

I’ve received dozens of emails this past week inquiring about my upcoming Trust Yourself program with the same question: “What if I learn to trust myself and then I realize that my truth is that I have to leave my partner?” I’ve heard this exact question in other forms literally thousands of times over the years, as it’s the number one reason why people are afraid to turn inward: afraid to journal, afraid to meditate, afraid to connect to a source of personal guidance and wisdom, afraid to “do the work.”

My response is, first, to offer reassurance: I’ve never seen someone in a loving, compatible relationship choose to leave after choosing to turn inward and develop self-love and self-trust. It just doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen because people who find their way to my work almost invariably are blessed to be involved with caring, honest, wonderful … Click here to continue reading...

There are times when I want to collapse from the overpowering wave of not-knowing that washes over me in moments of conflict or overwhelm: my boys at each other’s throats or my husband and I in an argument or a temporary falling out with a soul-sister or the state of the world or the homeless man on the corner. The world seems to storm around me like the fluttering of a thousand moths, a hurricane of emotions tipping into a flicker of despair from the awareness that we all struggle and nobody has the answers. Where’s the magic wand? Where’s the ultimate parenting manual that teaches us in the trenches how to ensure that our kids will get along like boats sailing on a lake as smooth as cream? How do we solve the world’s pain? Does anyone have the answers?

Last week’s post provoked some anxiety in my clients and readers already prone to relationship anxiety, as I suspected it would. Alongside more typical intrusive thoughts like, “What if I’m gay?“, “What if I don’t love my partner enough?” and “What if I’m settling?“, the less obvious hamster-wheel perseverations like, “What if we don’t talk enough?” and “What if we don’t have enough of a connection?” can also rattle the anxious mind and deserve attention.

But not too much attention. What I mean is that once you resolve one question and find enough certainty to move on (conclude that of course you’re not gay; don’t you think you would have known that already?), if you don’t address the root causes of the intrusive thoughts you’ll quickly find yourself trying to bang the gopher of a different obsession down the hole. And then you’ll find yourself tumbling … Click here to continue reading...