My search for making my life more enriched, and not for people who want to judge, but accept, and be accepted.
This is me... not my work "me" or my family "me" or my friend "me" Just me, my thoughts, my insights, and feelings on the world today!
Everyone needs to find themselves, and this is how I begin my journey... join in!

The French Quarter

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

How to do this?

In light of recent events, I have been really thinking about all the mental health issues people have.
I am trying to form my own opinion and not that of a majority of people. Part of my struggle is being afraid to have someone disagree with me, so often I will just say I agree with them. I need to stop. so here is how I really feel.

I suffer from depression. I think I have always had it. But it was ignited into full force after my first child was born. All I remember is breaking down on my kitchen floor and crying for help, because I didn't know why I felt so empty, useless and unable to cope when I had a picture perfect life from anyone looking in.

I finally decided to call my doctor, who I love and trust. We decided on a treatment and therapy. It helped, for a while. Then I was convinced by many people that drugs were not the solution. I got the "you are such an awesome person, you just need to be positive" also the "just eat healthy and exercise everyday" While these are words of advice for everyone I think. They are not always choices. Especially the "positive" effect. When you sink into that low place, you can not will yourself to get up and run. Let alone get up.

To all the people who think medication is not the answer I ask you, if you had cancer would you not seek chemo or radiation? If you had a tumor, would you not seek help to remove it? If you got a cut would you not get stitches? Having a mental issue is not because I am mad at someone or sad because of an event or someones words. It is a chemical imbalance. It is a mishap in my system that doesn't account for some things.

After a while I stopped the medication, thinking I was ok and could give it up. NOT the case. My brain will not just start producing the things I need to stay on track. I need help to make it happen. And when I get that help I am the person I like. Now yes I still have bad days too, just like every normal person. I get sad, and angry, and upset. But it doesn't send me into tale spin of disaster. I cope. I talk it through, and I learn.

Luckily I have been forgiven by those people I hurt during a very dark time in my life. And now they are my support system. I am thankful for them everyday.

But on days like Friday in Newtown, CT. I am so scared that people that do not have the support like I do will just snap one day. I know that this a hereditary and many people in my family have succumb to their depression. They have acted out, and by hurting themselves, hurt our family.

I watch my kids carefully and pray they never suffer from my bouts of depression. But I look for the warning signs. It iwll be an open topic of conversation at my house. And not a hidden secret like it was in my house growing up. Had I known all the family secrets I may have learned about myself earlier. But now I know, and I want to help others. But they have to be willing to get help.

It is a fine line our society draws between normalcy and people who don;t "belong" we need to act somehow. I don't have an answer today. But its on my mind. And I am ready to speak out and do something for others.