By: Lizzy PaceGuyssssss we're BACK! Our new Overlords haven't taken away all that's good in this world yet! It's the first black lead of any iteration of The Bachelor franchise!!!! HOW WILL THEY HANDLE THIS???!!! EVERYTHING THEY DO WILL SEEM RACIST!!!

​We've already met a few of the guys on After the Final Rose, which I found extremely annoying. It gives the contestants more awareness of the scope of their audience! They're supposed to get coaxed into this world, forgetting the cameras and laying bare their broken/warped/lonely souls!! One of the dudes already used the phrase "once I go black I won't go back." I have a feeling this season is going to keep giving and giving us these precious gifts.

Obama had to be perfect and then I had to be perfect. I guess this means the next Bachelor will be an orange turd in retaliation for this forward step in languidly slow social progress.

The Contestants

Usually they announce the intros a month out but this season they gave us less than a week until the premiere to properly emotionally prepare. The guys are a slightly more diverse toolbox this season. Typically, there's two or three black contestants. Rachel got eleven out of thirty-one!

They also ask the dudes more sex questions than is customary, which was wonderfully revealing and horrifying. Many have problems with accidental chubs at work and Bachelor Nation definitely needed to know this in order to begin this journey. There are also countless religious tattoos, dudes obsessed with The Rock, dudes obsessed with their Moms, and even someone who already nicknamed himself "Quick Draw McGraw". Excellent! ​

​Adam (27) is a real estate agent. His favorite romantic present he ever got was a birthday threesome.

Babeeeeee, you know what would take our love-making to that next level of romantic? 150% more bodily fluids!

​Alex (28) is an Information Systems Supervisor. He's cute until you start reading his answers and realize he's a monster. His three worst attributes: "Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic." Oh, and he once "ate a live salamander." You'd think that would be his worst answer but then says his favorite artist is "The Rock."

My favorite artist is The Rock but I also really admire Ronda Rousey's body of work.

Anthony (26) is an Education Software Manager. If he could be someone else for one day, he'd be his Mom. To explain: "I wish I could see the world as she does to understand her better." ***MOMMY ISSUES***. If he were stranded on a desert island and could pick it to be made out of any material, "it would be made of those flesh-eating plants from Life of Pi."

If I could be anyone on Earth I would be my Mom because I do NOT get that woman. She seems to think I should've wished for a desert island that DOESN'T kill me immediately.

Blake E. (31) is an "Aspiring Drummer." He says the most outrageous thing he's ever done is he "got engaged to a crazy girl."

My ex-fiance was such a fucking lunatic, she kept insisting "Aspiring Drummer" wasn't an actual career for an adult man. Joke's on her-- would they have put me on this show if I had some sort of fake job that they only picked for me to be a punchline?

Blake K. (29) is a U.S. Marine Veteran. If he could be someone else for one day, he'd pick "Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson, because he's the only person who could look cool wearing a fanny pack." He wins me back a little bit by saying his desert island would be made of Chipotle. Then I'm lost again: what does his ideal mate look like? "Great smile, long and fit."

My ultimate fantasy is my long wife and I can both effortlessly pull off fanny packs.

Brady (29) is a Male Model and looks fourteen. When asked to describe his three least favorite things to do on a date, he says: "Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English."

3 least favorite parts of a date? Having to buy the woman a drink, her not agreeing to bang me on night one, and the guy who is conveniently transporting me to the date so I can get shit-faced doesn't speak God's chosen language.

Bryan (37) is a Chiropractor. His favorite TV shows are Sports Center and The Bachelor/Bachelorette series.

I've seen all 218 episodes of The Bachelor so I know exactly how many episodes I need to last through to not have to touch any more gross backs again.

Bryce (30) is a Firefighter but if he could have any job in the world: "Professional Instagrammer? How cool would it be to travel the world going on adventures and helping people solely funded through pictures you post of living your dream life!" Well, this IS literally the entry level job for that. What's also bizarre is he's a firefighter but the rest of his answers suggest he gets off on setting fires. His role at a party? The "laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die." The wildest thing he's done in the bedroom? "Caught a girl's hair on fire once while having sex."

Babe, it was an ACC-I-DENT! UGH. It definitely has nothing to do with the fact that I can only come surrounded by flames.

Dean (26) is a Startup Recruiter. When asked about bedroom troubles, he says, "Whenever a girl tries to bite me I have to stop everything and have a discussion."

If one of the countless females that I've definitely been with in romantic boudoir situations tries to break the established rules of fornication, I sit her down for a little chat and explain to her the right way to do it.

DeMario (30) is an Executive Recruiter. He wants to get a pet lion and name him "Denzel, the lion." He's a huge fan of exclamation points and he seems fun!!!!!!! When asked if he likes being the center of attention he says, "I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits."

'17 DeMario is all about natural attention and pets that can eat your face.

Diggy (31) is a Senior Inventory Analyst. When asked to tell a one-night-stand story, Diggy says, "I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn't have to help!"

Once Diggy digs in, hes not getting out of bed for ANY personal crisis. I once faked a coma for a year when my ex got cancer!

Eric (29) is a Personal Trainer. If he could live in any other time period, he'd pick: "Before money was involved."

I long for the good old pre-monied days of yesteryear when you could barter your longest daughter for some sheep.

Fred (27) is an Executive Assistant. If he could be someone else for one day, he'd be Ellen DeGeneres. Rachel was his Camp Counselor when he was a kid. When asked if he's ever been turned on during the wrong time, he says, "Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed."

Rachel was my Camp Counselor so I had to sit down at the lunch tables a LOT if you know what I mean.

Grant (29) is an Emergency Medicine Physician. If he could be someone else just for one day, he'd pick: "President of the United States. I like being in charge of making big decisions." His most embarrassing moment? "I once had a stomach bug in Peru and had to defecate in an open 2-liter coke bottle in the back of a tour bus." Jesus Christ.

If I could be anyone else just for one day I'd be Donald Trump. A day in his life seems chill.

Iggy (30) is a Consulting Firm CEO. He's bringing the group average height down at: 5'6. He's also bringing down the group's average taste in movies as his top three include "Grandma's Boy." He tells this illuminating story: "I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down."

It was lucky though, no one could even tell I was sitting down.

Jack Stone (32) is an Attorney and the only person who insisted on going by their full name and it skeeves me out.

State your Name: JACK STONE. State your Age: 1-800-JACKSTO. State your Occupation: LAWYER THAT CAN GET YOU OFF! CALL 1-800-JACKSTO!!!!

Jamey (32) is a Sales Account Executive. When asked where he sees himself in 5 years he says: "I am trying to not make plans in life."

You think I think about what's ahead in my future? I agreed to go on a nationally televised dating show and have it besmirch my personal and professional life forever.

Jedidiah (35) is an ER Physician with a ton of religious tats. His greatest achievement to date? "Building my parents a 5,000-square-foot log home on 10 acres in Montana." The craziest place he's had sex? "Just off the continental divide on a glacier in the mountains."

Baby let me stop up the bleeding on your gunshot wound, build you a log cabin, and then divide you on a continental divide.

Jonathan (31) states his profession is a "Tickle Monster." So... I'm assuming that means he's going to surreptitiously cut off a lock of Rachel's hair and cuddle it at night. He was married before. He says losing his virginity was "with my ex-wife. Pretty uneventful."

It's so weird. I described every time we had sex as uneventful and she eventually left me.

Josiah (28) is a Prosecuting Attorney and he was once catfished on a date by a pregnant woman.

I just thought she was a bun chef!

Kenny (35) is a Professional Wrestler and has a daughter. If he could have lunch with one person he'd pick "The Rock." Trouble in the bedroom ever? "There was about two weeks when I first started dating my ex that I was Quick Draw McGraw." He once "had sex with a wife while her husband watched."

Funnily enough, I actually got the nickname Quick Draw McGraw from my speed-drawing class I take with a couple wrestling pals.

Kyle (26) is a Marketing Consultant. His ex was super into BDSM. He hates bugs and "corrupt authority." He only dates "7's" and up.

My greatest nightmare is a 6 chasing after me in a butterfly garden.

Lee (30) is a haircut whose job is Singer/Songwriter. His favorite actor is Matthew McConaughey and he lives in Music City.

If things go well with Rachel, I think I'd consider a temporary move to Lawyertown but hopefully we can both just end up in Instagramburgh

Lucas (30) states his occupation is "Whaboom." He has an ant farm. If he could have lunch with one person: "Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner." I'm not sure he understands what happened to Bruce Jenner.

Whaboom asks Whasasex-change?

Matt (32) is a Construction Sales Rep. The craziest place he's had sex? "The balcony of a cruise ship."

I only dick on deck

Michael (26) is a Former Professional Basketball Player but his height is only 6 feet. OK he played in Bulgaria.

Weirdly, the contract to go on this show was much longer and hard to understand?

Milton (31) is a Hotel Recreation Supervisor. He looks SO much like Kyle???? When asked what he hopes to get out of this show: "Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies." He thinks being romantic "can show you're weak." I think Milton thought they were going to do a polygraph at some point because he gives all brutally honest, arguably character-damaging answers. To be fair, they have done a polygraph test during several seasons.