Bradley Wiggins’ first day in the yellow jersey in the Tour de France was marred by insinuations his improved showing was due to performance enhancing drugs. Wiggins used the post-stage press conference to angrily deny the allegations.

“I’d like to see you try to get any f**king drugs at the moment” said Wiggins. “The Bulgarian weightlifters, American sprinters, Chinese swimmers, and female Eastern European shot putters bought the lot. The queues at the f**king Pharma-Market were huge, and I’m told Olga from Belarus got the last helping of clenbuterol, along with a box of hair removal cream.”

It seems that a “perfect storm” has led to the plummeting stocks of performance enhancing drugs. As well as the massive demand from Olympic athletes, asthma sufferers are now much more diligent in taking their medication, which has contributed to the crisis. “I can’t believe how f**king selfish the asthmatics are – they could have just wheezed their way through the summer as normal rather than depriving genuinely needy cyclists” fumed Wiggins.

Fans of cycling’s premier event are said to be in shock at the realisation this year’s Tour could be marred by the complete absence of drugs. “Without the mobile drug labs, swirling rumours, disqualifications, and heart attacks, we suddenly realised all we were doing was watching blokes with shaved legs in tight-fitting lycra … mmmmm” said celebrity cycling fans John Travolta and George Clooney.

The last hope for a normal Tour hinges on tonight’s post-stage barbeque. The initial signs are looking promising with Alberto Contador providing the steak, and Lance Armstrong providing both a herbal preparation and a master class on how to hide a vial of clean urine in your cycling shorts (“yes, I AM pleased to see you!”)