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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of aneighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved byArthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long ashe could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year tofigure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be putto death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, toyoung Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better thandeath, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, theprostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke witheveryone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know theanswer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout thekingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talkto the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accepther price.

First, the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knightsof the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur washorrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage,made obscene noises ... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnantcreature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to enduresuch a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him thatnothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and thepreservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, andthe witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants isto be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and thatArthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarchgranted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between reliefand anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witchput her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone veryuncomfortable.

The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience,entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautifulwoman he'd ever seen lay before him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied thatsince he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she wouldhenceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the otherhalf, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to beduring the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, abeautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacyof his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch,but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists...

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes , "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?".The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear – everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have been killed, and over a million injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money.

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park....

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.... The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again....

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there....

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered:"Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

A cab driver stops to pick up a nun in a rather seedy neighborhood. As she gets into the cab the cabbie catches a flash of thigh peeking out from underneath her habit. The cabbie gets to thinking, "Hummm, I wonder?" So he asks the nun, "Sister, do nuns think about sex?" The nun answered, "Well, certainly. But we are the brides of Christ, so until that day, we abstine."

The cab then asks, "Well, can you kiss?" And the nun responds, "Well, I see nothing wrong with a kiss." Emboldened the cabbie asks the Nun for a kiss.

The nun tells the cabbie, "I would only kiss a man who is a devout Catholic, has never been married and has no children." The cabbie smiles and says, "You're in luck Sister, I'm a devout Catholic, have no children and have never been married."

So the nun gives the cabbie a full on wet kiss.

As they pull up to the Nun's stop, the Cabbie stricken with guilt says, "Sister, I lied to you. I'm really a married Baptist with 4 children. Will you please forgive me? You see since I was young, I've had this fantasy about Nuns." The Nun looks over her shoulder and says, "Of course I'll forgive you, if you forgive me. You see, actually my name is Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party.""

knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?SAFER: Could we be overreacting?SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. The old man said, "Thank you," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him again and walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."The Marine, somewhat annoyed at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you again tomorrow, Sir!

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is part of an open letter to Dr Laura penned by a listener, which was posted on the Internet:Dear Dr Laura:

...learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.

In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24).

The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.

Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.

Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.

I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.

Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.

How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.

Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16)

Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.

Should I smite them?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

At a recent medical convention, a British doctor bragged, In England, the state of medicine is so advanced, we can transplant a kidney into a patient and they're up and looking for work in 12 months!"

To this, an Indian doctor replied, "That's nothing. In my beloved India, we can do a lung transplant and the patient will be up and looking for work in 6 months!"

To this, a Russian doctor stated, "Well, in my beloved Russia, we have taken half a heart from one patient and transplanted it into a second patient, and they're both up and looking for work in three months!"

Not to be outdone, an American doctor said, "Hey boys, that's nothing. In the good ole US of A, we took an A--Hole from texas, put him in the White House and Hell, by next month we'll all be looking for work!"

[This message was edited by Kweli4Real on January 29, 2003 at 02:34 PM.]

,all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a dramaqueen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that,I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

THERE WAS THIS OLD MAN THAT HAD A BAD STUTTERING PROBLEM. HE WOULD HAS TAKE HIS DOG HUNTING WITH HIM, BUT ONE DAY THE DOG GOT LOST, AND THE OLD MAN WAS VERY SAD. HE LOST HIS ONLY FRIEND. HE LOOKED FOR THAT DOG DAY AND NIGHT FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS, BUT FINALLY GAVE UP. HE WENT TO TOWN ONE DAY AND LOW AND BEHOLD HE SAW HIS DOG TIED IN THE BACK YARD OF SOMEONE ELSE'S YARD. HE WENT TO THE DOOR AND KNOCKED. A MAN CAME TO THE DOOR."MAY I HELP YOU?" THE OLD MAN SAID"Y-Y-YES, T-T-THAT'S M-M-MY D-D-DOG". THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SAID" NO, I HAD THAT DOG FOR MONTHS". THE OLD MAN SAID "H-H-HE W-W-WAS L-L-LOST.C-C-CAN I P-P-P-PLEASE HAVE M-MY D-D-DOG B-B-BACK?" "WELL, LET'S SEE WHO THE DOG WILL COME TO", THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SAID. THEY WALKED WHERE THE DOG WAS, AND THE MAN OF THE HOUSE CALLED THE DOG THREE TIMES BUT HE WOULD NOT MOVE. THE OLD MAN CALLED HIM NEXT. "C-C-OME H-H-HERE B-B-BOY!" THE DOG JUMPED UP, EAR STOOD STRAIGHT IN THE AIR AND SAID "B-B-BOW W-W-WOW!"

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT WAS LAME. WHEN I HEARD IT I FELL OUT LAUGHING. HOPE Y'ALL LIKE IT!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot that poor animal? Are you crazy?"

Originally posted by donna12:THERE WAS THIS OLD MAN THAT HAD A BAD STUTTERING PROBLEM. HE WOULD HAS TAKE HIS DOG HUNTING WITH HIM, BUT ONE DAY THE DOG GOT LOST, AND THE OLD MAN WAS VERY SAD. HE LOST HIS ONLY FRIEND. HE LOOKED FOR THAT DOG DAY AND NIGHT FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS, BUT FINALLY GAVE UP. HE WENT TO TOWN ONE DAY AND LOW AND BEHOLD HE SAW HIS DOG TIED IN THE BACK YARD OF SOMEONE ELSE'S YARD. HE WENT TO THE DOOR AND KNOCKED. A MAN CAME TO THE DOOR."MAY I HELP YOU?" THE OLD MAN SAID"Y-Y-YES, T-T-THAT'S M-M-MY D-D-DOG". THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SAID" NO, I HAD THAT DOG FOR MONTHS". THE OLD MAN SAID "H-H-HE W-W-WAS L-L-LOST.C-C-CAN I P-P-P-PLEASE HAVE M-MY D-D-DOG B-B-BACK?" "WELL, LET'S SEE WHO THE DOG WILL COME TO", THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SAID. THEY WALKED WHERE THE DOG WAS, AND THE MAN OF THE HOUSE CALLED THE DOG THREE TIMES BUT HE WOULD NOT MOVE. THE OLD MAN CALLED HIM NEXT. "C-C-OME H-H-HERE B-B-BOY!" THE DOG JUMPED UP, EAR STOOD STRAIGHT IN THE AIR AND SAID "B-B-BOW W-W-WOW!"

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT WAS LAME. WHEN I HEARD IT I FELL OUT LAUGHING. HOPE Y'ALL LIKE IT!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot that poor animal? Are you crazy?"

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. Kennedy kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All Blair did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.

"No!" Bush said. "I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"

The devil opened a third door. In it George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said... "Monica, you're free to go!"

This is actually a real news story ... but I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it! And it did make me laugh.

Naked man arrested for concealed weaponSat Nov 4, 12:41 AM ET

A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors "” naked "” and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.

The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.

Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.

Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.

"When you're talking about an awl or an ice pick and you're dealing with somebody who's fresh out of prison, it's a weapon. That's a stabbing instrument," Horgan said.

It was not immediately clear what Sheehan was on parole for. A person answering the phone at the jail Friday night did not know whether Sheehan had a lawyer.

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