Jewel, an American Foxhound, runs with his handler during the Hound group judging. Jewel won the group and will compete for Best in Show on Tuesday night.

The Journal provides minute-by-minute analysis of the Super Bowl of the dog-show world: the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Geoff Foster and Scott Schneider offer commentary on the Best of Breed competition for the Hound, Toy, Non-Sporting and Herding groups, plus the CNBC telecast.

Roughly 3,000 four-legged champions have braved the sleet, snow and generally miserable Northeast conditions to make their annual pilgrimage to New York City for the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. For two full days, this collection of world-class purebred dogs will be groomed, brushed, trimmed and blown-dry. They will all enter the ring for careful evaluation, but only one will exit tomorrow night with the title “Best in Show.” To the winner: a purple ribbon and an appearance on every talk show in America on Wednesday morning. To the losers: eh, a lot of dog biscuits.

Westminster has been putting on this show for 137 years. But like most carryovers from the late 19th century, it has evolved. The biggest change this year is that daytime portion of the program has been transplanted from Madison Square Garden to a new home at Pier 92/94. Visiting the piers today, I must say it’s a vast improvement. Their new digs offer sweeping views of the Hudson River and far more room for dog-loving spectators to get a close look at the animals. (Let’s face it, the alleged “World’s Most Famous Arena” was cramped before we tried to stuff thousands of dogs in the hallways.) This move shouldn’t change much for those watching at home (CNBC, 8 p.m. tonight, USA, 8 p.m. Tuesday), as the Best of Group and Best in Show competitions are still at MSG.

Tonight, Scott Schneider and I will offer commentary as four of the seven groups are decided: Hound, Toy, Non-Sporting and Herding. So make a seat on the couch next to your furry friend (if you have one) and enjoy the competition. If your pet gets curious as to why he isn’t being made to run around in circles on TV, kindly remind him that “these dogs are better than you.”

It’s such a privilege to be back at the Westminster with you, Geoff. Thanks for having me!

You know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about dogs over the past year and I can report that my opinion of them hasn’t changed (at all): They remain mankind’s most successful invention.

And make no mistake: the modern dog is a human invention. While the origins of the species remain subject to hypothesis, there is reason that Canis lupus familiaris is the most varied species on Earth, containing (amazingly) both the Yorkshire Terrier and the Tibetan Mastiff. By specifically manipulating their gene pools, we have literally designed animals that suit our specific wants and needs. From watching to herding to hunting, the dog is arguably mankind’s most versatile and crucial tool.

Before the show starts, then, we’d do well to remind ourselves that the different breeds are simply a human construct, each forged from more ancient breeds, delineated by our own reasoning and judgment. The concept of “purebred” is little more than a widely accepted illusion. While on a night like tonight, we can and should celebrate the wonder that is the dog, let us not take the rules too seriously –- for the top dog may very well be a mutt -– like ourselves.

And like my Winston, who may not be a dog at all – but some sort of Wookie.

Before we start, I must mention that there are two new breeds this year for those of you keeping score at home: the Russell Terrier and the Treeing Walker Coonhound. The latter should not be confused with the Walker Coonhound whose motto is “tree your own raccoons, buddy.”

Last year, I basically just told “Turner and Hooch” jokes the whole time. So this year, I decided to actually prepare. I read the American Kennel Club’s “Complete Dog Book” cover to cover. At 860 pages, it took up most of my weekend, especially after re-reading it and committing to memory. So most of my fun facts will come from that source.

Here’s the Afghan, he’s actually blend of different hunting dogs from — wait for it — Afghanistan. They were used by local huntsmen to track down deer, antelope and hares. They also were even used to catch snow leopards, wolves, jackals and wild dogs.

You must figure that nothing annoyed a “wild dog” more than being trapped by this finely groomed fancy pants.

Barry Manilow had a Beagle named Bagel. Whether she was of the 13 or 15-inch variety I cannot say. And, frankly, don’t much care. Everyone knows the Beagle two-inch rule is one of the most ridiculous in sport.

The Black and Tan Coonhound is supposed to be a great pet, but the biggest problem with this dog is that their preternatural hunting instincts often kick in, forcing them to chase after squirrels for miles. This is of course a perk for people who despise squirrels. Then again, someone who “despises squirrels” probably needs help and shouldn’t own a large mammal.

The Borzoi, or Russian Wolfhound, is one of the largest sighthounds, averaging 28 to 32 inches at the shoulder and weighing over 100 lbs. It’s rumored that a mural of colossal proportions depicting a shirtless Vladamir Putin armed with a crossbow whilst atop a Borzoi graces one of the president’s many secret mansions.

With the ability to take off vertically like a helicopter, this subsonic British warplane—no… that’s the aircraft show in two weeks… Here we go: with the ability to hunt wabbit with the best of ‘em, this British hunting dog’s got flippy floppy ears and huge hops. The Harrier!

The PBGV comprises the final test for all Westminster ring announcers. If you can’t announce “Petits Bassets Griffons Vendeen” with a panache bordering on recklessness, then this just isn’t your racket.

The Rhodesian Ridgeback is powerful yet laid-back, highly intelligent yet bursting with good nature. Distinguished by the two whorls of hair – or “ridge” – that grow along its spine in opposition to the rest of its coat, the Rhodesian was developed in South Africa and Zimbabwe as an all-purpose farmhand and… lion hunter. In North America, it makes an excellent suburban companion. Love this breed!

Helpful hint: A troubling trend has emerged in which perfectly healthy, totally brilliant Rhodesian puppies are abandoned because their ridge does not fully appear. While the ridge is a neat distinguishing characteristic, it does not the whole dog make — not by a long shot. If you think a Rhodesian might be a good fit for you, you will want to check the local shelter before shelling out.

Scott, your predictions for the hound group were slightly off. But I can only assume that if you had your boots on the ground and were inspecting each dog’s proportions, coat and gait up close, you would have done better. Right?

Geoff, an important topic for all dog owners is what to do in the event your dog runs away. The best advice I’ve come across is from a man named Homer Simpson, to his young son Bart.

Homer: Well, crying isn’t going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food that your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

Translated from German, Affenpinscher means “Monkey Terrier.” This name comes from the fact that Affenpinschers have a monkeylike facial expressions. They can also climb trees and throw feces at the judges if they don’t like the results.

Hailing from the forest moon of Endor, the Affinpincher first gained notoriety a long, long time ago after assisting a Rebel strike team that was dispatched to the moon to disable a critical Imperial shield generator. Using their primitive weapons, they were somehow able to distract the Imperial stormtroopers and — I know! But they look like Ewoks!

With its comically hairless body, the Chinese Crested looks like it lost a bet to the other dogs.

I met a great one today, very cute. Despite his apparent shivering, his handler insisted that no, he was not cold. She politely kept telling me over and over: “That’s just the way they come!” I was dubious.

The Havanese is the national dog of Cuba. It long predates the 1959 revolution, so there’s no need to be suspicious of its political affiliations. However, like many in the Toy category — and the Communist Party for that matter — they can be difficult to housebreak.

The Japanese Chin is not considered a “dog” in Japan. He is considered royalty.

He is both wise and prudent, he teaches discipline and the virtues of hard work. He may know the craft of violence but chooses not to practice it unless absolutely necessary — sorry, I got lost and just started describing Mr. Miyagi there.

If any Toy breed was to crack my Top-50 it would be the Papillion. The most intelligent of the Toys, there’s something about the Papillion that just gets me. Maybe it’s her refined sense of humor, or her old-soul style. I just know she’d be perfectly content with a tumbler of small-batch bourbon and Big Lebowski night-in. Oh, she’d throw back her head and howl: “Shomer Shabbos! It never gets old! It never does get old!” Then we’d laugh and laugh–yeah, that’s enough.

The Pomeranian was one of Queen Victoria’s favorite dogs, and she is largely responsible for making the breed popular. She had lots of dogs of different kinds but her Pomeranian, Turri, was apparently at her bedside when she died. (Note: That’s from the book, I wasn’t there.)

The Non-Sporting Group — up next — is pretty much the Breakfast Club of the dog world. A collection of misfits with tons of charm but no natural clique, they remind us that everything is not always as it seems and the utility of tidy groupings only takes us so far.

Right. Non-Sporting is basically the “miscellaneous” category. A lot of variation in size and shape here. The main thing these dogs have in common is that they would rather not herd or hunt, if that’s cool with you.

The Bichon Frise is a classic, fluffy white lap-dog. It may seem surprising to some that this breed is not in the Toy group, but these dogs hate sports, I mean, like HATE sports. So they are Non-Sporting.

Bulldog. Easy: the Judd Nelson of the group. Rough around the edges, but handsome in his own brutish way. Given to wearing spikes and chains, but which adorn an inner core of empathy and caution. He comes from a physically abusive past, which you expect him to take out on you (because he wants you to) still he never really does. Basically all the hard statistics of someone you really ought to hate, but it’s a grand setup to adore him all the more.

My family owns several Bulldogs, so I always root for them. They are great city dogs: fun, friendly, easy to take care of (except when they lie face down on sidewalk, superman-style and refuse to move for 45 minutes).

Dalmatian: Emilio Estevez. There’s no good reason why he isn’t in the Sporting Group. It may be because he’s having difficulty living up to his father’s inflated expectations. The physical skills are there, clearly, but competition just isn’t his bag. He doesn’t have the instincts for it. Appears he’d rather use his skills assisting people in need, as a firefighter or something.

The French Bulldog is Ally Sheedy. Essentially Judd Nelson’s character, lite. She cleans up well, but you still liked her more when she was a hot mess exhausting pixie sticks for sandwich condiment. A bona-fide misfit, but undeniably alluring, you kind of need her to like you to like yourself.

So long as we’re in the 80s: the Lhasa Apso is Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China: “Egg Shen… EGG SHEN! You have come a long ways to find me. But it is too late. There are two girls with green eyes, and I will marry them both. And then I will sacrifice Gracie Law to appease my emperor and live out my earthly pleasures with Miao Yin. [cackles] That’s right, Egg Shen. The best of TWO worlds!”

The Miniature Poodle is Anthony Michael Hall. Super smart, but will never — can never — perform to his parents’ unreasonably lofty standards. Appreciably smaller than the others, he doesn’t have a physical stature that lends itself to any kind of makeover plan. He’s a cute kid with a keen wit, and you know his time will come, one day. But for now, he remains the odd man out.

I watched a Miniature Poodle being worked on today. It’s amazing how much hair spray goes into the dogs’ hair. Then the dog has to be sprayed repeatedly afterward with something that takes out the hairspray.

Finally, the Standard Poodle: Molly Ringwald. So pretty in pink — and so much more than meets the eye. Sure, she dresses it up for the ring, with her hair done just so, and her leggings bunched up right. And the unknowing hold this against her — deem her frilly and soft — but beneath the pompons, this chick is hardcore, 360, the package. Smarter, funnier and prettier indeed without all the makeup — if only she would let her hair down and not take herself so seriously! And yes, in the end she will give her earring to the Bulldog and he will put it in his ear with a faint smile creeping across his mug, because he doesn’t care what you think!

And no, I didn’t forget Asst. Principal Dick Vernon, the Shiba Inu. The closest a dog will ever get to felinity, the Shiba struts and preens and half looks like a cat. And like Principal Dick, he’d totally assign a 1,000 word essay to the other breeds asking them to explain “who they are.” But in the end, he’s still a dog. He’s been there, he gets it.

Here come the Herders. I’ve always thought we should get to see these dogs herd things and judge them that way. Just release a bunch of cows onto the MSG floor and see who can round them up the best. Done.

Developed by U.S. farmers in the early 1920s as an all-purpose farm and herding dog, the Australian Shepherd’s connection to Australia is pretty attenuated, actually. At some point in the 1800s, the Aussie’s forbearers were used to herd, among other animals, Australian-bred sheep. That’s it; that’s the Australian in Australian Shepherd. In any event, the breed is loyal, eager to please and brilliant with children (although they may try to herd them — which could be quite useful).

The Gandalf of the group, the Bearded Collie has a rather unique way of corralling his flock. Instead of running along the sheep nipping at their heels, he’ll head out about 50 feet ante, stand on his hind legs, pound a rawhide staff into the ground and proclaim: “THOU… SHALL… NOT… PASS!!!”

The Australian Shepherd was actually developed in California. They tried to give him some new names over the years, including: Spanish Shepherd, Pastor Dog, Bob-Tail, Blue Heeler, New Mexican Shepherd and Californian Shepherd. Then they were like, “Wait, why are we trying to change this name, who cares where he’s from?”

Here’s how much I respect and admire the Belgian Shepherd Dogs (Malinois, Tervuren and Sheepdog). If Geoff was to start a canine crime syndicate — which I must assume, for obvious reasons, he would structure like the Corleone family — then, as his Consigliere, I would have to counsel him to position a Belgian Shepherd Dog as one of his Caporegimes.

Their traits (Zagat’s style): “Supremely intelligent” with a “strong work drive”; “affectionate with their families” but “reserved with strangers”; “protective”; “territorial”; “tend to be one-person dogs.”

The Border Collie is the world’s most intelligent dog — intelligence being measured by how many repetitions it takes for a dog to learn a new command; and then, once learned, how often it heeds that command on the first attempt. As with highly intelligent humanoids, the Border Collie can also be quite… compulsive.

No dog has a better public-relations team than the Collie. Someone convinced a TV network to do an entire show about a Collie, with a premise that was simply: “This dog is awesome and will save your life if you fall down a well.”

If a man with a pipe was to stop me on the street and proclaim, “Sir, I do believe the Shetland Sheepdog to be the finest breed of dog,” I probably wouldn’t agree with him. But then, I wouldn’t disagree with him either. There is an argument to be made. In my Top-10.

The Swedish Vallhund was also used to “alert farmers to visitors”. Come on? He has to go out and herd all the animals on the farm all day. And he’s also responsible for serving as the butler? Buy a doorbell, farmers.

Comments (5 of 21)

Worst Westminster ever! Been watching 45 years and still no bis Labrador Retriever. What does AKC have against labs. I'm going to stop watching until one wins. Why do they have all these new odd breeds t hat didn't earn their way in? The end result is enough to make you want to own a cat. How about that monkey dog for being out of touch with the public.

9:16 pm February 12, 2013

disgusted wrote:

Just wondering why the majority of the handler's are so fat.? And why do
so many of the handler's dress like it's all about them. It's about the dogs!!!

1:26 pm February 12, 2013

Dog Nut wrote:

Was disappointed the pug did not win the toy class! He was a good looking pug. Tired of the typical "hair done up" dogs winning. Loved that the American Foxhound won her class though!

1:25 pm February 12, 2013

Julia McDonough wrote:

Yes, indeed. I was stunned. Why, then, are they called Treeing Walker Coonhounds. If you've ever been privileged enough to see a pack in action, you know that they don't sit at the foot of the tree. For heaven's sakes, some of them are in the tree.

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