JERSEY SHORE SEASON TWO PREMIERE REVIEW

Just accept it. It's happening.

The greatest show on television is back.

Drink for every time I write, “Obliviated.”

I had so many doubts about a second Jersey Shore season. I was concerned that they’d bring back the cast and they’d be too wrapped up in themselves to capture the magic of the first season. I was concerned that they’d add new people to inject something into the core cast…and MTV –for now- wisely stayed their hand. I was generally afraid that the incredible experience of the secretly smartest show on television would be lost because MTV realized they had something awesome once and wanted to beat it like Nancy Kerrigan. Oh shush, that sentence started as a Rhianna joke.

Before we can talk about Miami –and we WILL talk about Miami- let’s talk about going into season 2 and what the characters did once they realized another season was absolutely going to happen.

Preseason Training

The Situation hired three writers, put them in his reasonably-priced apartment, and said, “I’m going to talk a lot. Give me catch phrases and sound bites for the confessional.” He then put them on 3×5 index cards and packed them in his bag. That, friends, is where we got “grenades” and “land mines.” How do I know that? I wrote them. That’s why they’re awful. The Situation had notes.

Seriously, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to go to Situation’s two-bedroom apartment and find a giant white board with flow charts and strategies to be the center of attention and bang Sammi. I’m on board with this.

Snooki fell deep into her character like Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder.” She still hasn’t come out of it, and that’s why she spent a night in jail a few days ago. Snooki didn’t do a lot of prep. She did get a boyfriend, which reminds me that somewhere there’s a dude who has on his resume/headshot, “Gorilla Juicehead, Jersey Shore season 2.”

OH YEAH, and she got herself an Escalade, or it’s a car MTV gave her for the trip, which seems much more likely. We can’t expect Nicole to make smart financial decisions.

Pauly D somehow got more tattoos and hooked up with Angelina. If you think those feelings aren’t going to be coming out at some point, you’re a Communist.

Ronnie hung out with his boys and plotted ways to win the break up, which is going perfectly. I have to be honest, I like Ronnie. Dude’s a meathead but he’s got a lot of heart. He’d either punch me in the face or we’d be good friends. I don’t know if there’s anything in between.

Vinny probably just hung out with his family, because he’s the Only Normal Person On Reality TV. I love this so much. I thought it would get him booted off the show. After two episodes of season one he was relegated to the exposition, only showing up in the confessional to tell you that they went to Karma again. He wasn’t interesting because he wasn’t a caricature, but I always looked out for him because he’s exactly what you and I would be like if we were stuck in that ridiculous scenario.

Watch the premiere again when you have a minute and watch Vin. He constantly has this look on his face like, “I can’t believe I’m here again. What is going on? Why are these people acting like this?” I’m getting ahead of myself.

Sammi boiled a rabbit in Ronnie’s kitchen.

Angelina built up an organization of small-time criminals and robbed a bank, betraying each of them until she got away with the cash alone in a school bus. She then crashed a meeting of Jersey Shore producers, killed an intern with a pencil, and hid a bunch of grenades in her suit jacket, telling them to contact her when they felt like taking things a little more seriously. Her final words as she escaped through a side exit? “It’s simple. We, uh, kill the Sammi.”

JWoww took boxing lessons with Freddie Roach. I made that up, but it’s likely. Did you hear her at the end of the episode? “I’m putting Vaseline on my face, putting my hair up…” ShamWoww in season one wanted to bone some dudes, JWoww 2.0 just wants to fight a bitch. If the Jersey Shore cast were Ninja Turtles, she’d be Raphael. And now that I’m thinking about it…

If the Jersey Shore cast were Ninja Turtles…

Jwow: Raphael

PaulyD: Michelangelo

Vinny: Donatello

Situation: Leonardo (Because Leonardo was lame and he thought he was in charge.)

Ronnie: Rocksteady

Angelina: Casey Jones

Snooki: Krang

Sammi: Those robots the foot clan had that looked like metallic rats.

And to finish that off, just imagine JWoww yelling, “I lost a sai!” and try not to laugh. More after the jump.