The Verbally Abusive Relationship

Notes on the book by Patricia Evans “The
Abusive Relationship”

An abusive relationship is said to be; words or attitude that mistreat,
or disrespect, or devalue another person. This can be an outburst
of anger such as “you are too sensitive”, or “I
really didn’t mean that”, and could feel to be crazy
making in nature.

A “verbal abuser” may show some of the following characteristics,
varying to several of these characteristics:

Often, the spouse of the “verbally abusive person” may
find it hard to see themselves clearly as well as their mate which
is verbally abusing them. In many cases the abuser has a different
reality than those which he or she is abusing.

The abuser tends to exert power or control, manipulation over the
mate and others in a direct or indirect method. Many times there
is this sense of a lack of equality, lack of partnership, common
mutuality, goodwill for the mate; creating a lack of intimacy in
the relationship.

Often in a relationship of this sort, there is a lack of mutual
goals, and or discussing these goals in a setting of equality and
respect for the relationship.

“the verbal abuser’s anger is free-floating and irrational.
It has nothing to do with the partner. It does; however, affect
her deeply. Being verbally shouted at, raged at, or snapped at leaves
the partner in pain and confusion. These attacks throw her off balance.
They disrupt her equilibrium and batter her spirit.” Although
they have nothing to do with the partner in their origin, they hurt
her, because hostility against another human being, whether it is
physical or emotional, is painful.”

The mate may try to ignore the mate’s outburst, walking on
egg-shells, saying “I am strong”, or “he really
doesn’t mean it”, but the reality is that this can not
and should not be ignored. Professional, heavy duty counselor, both
individual, and joint are needed. One mate or the other may not
want to see a deep seated, heavy Christian counseling; however,
you are encouraged to go to counseling and attend support groups
for yourself, and your sanity.

The sad fact may be quoting Patricia Evens chapter 9, page 107
again:

“the great tragedy in a verbally abusive relationship is
that the partner’s efforts to bring reconciliation, mutual
understanding and intimacy are rejected out of hand by the abuser
because to him, they are adversarial. This is so because if he isn’t
feeling power over his partner, he is feeling that she must be trying
to overpower him. There is no mutuality in his reality.”