What in the damn hell is going on in New Jersey? Yesterday they fired head coach Pete DeBoer, and today they announced that for the foreseeable future the team will be coached by a three-headed Rock Hydra:

This is a very exciting arrangement for fans and the media, as they now have the unique opportunity to hear useless platitudes from three different people that are ostensibly in charge:

Coach Rock Hydra will be down numerous players when the Devils take on the Rangers tonight, as four players have become victim to the NHL's bizarre mumps outbreak. The Devils announced today that Patrik Elias and Michael Ryder tested positive for the mumps, joining previously-sidelined teammates Travis Zajac and Adam Larsson. Perhaps New Jersey's innovation is a precaution against an apocalyptic scenario in which the mumps takes out not one but two of the hydra's heads, in which case: way to be prepared.