Wednesday, December 08, 2004

My daughter is beautiful both inside and out.

See what I mean? Can anyone deny that my daughter is the most awesome girl on the planet?

You might think your own daughter is, but you are sadly mistaken. Your daughter is no doubt lovely and sweet and charming and intelligent. But not as lovely and sweet and charming and intelligent as mine.

I've always been horror-stricken and terribly sorry about slamming that restroom-stall door in her face and almost knocking her off the potty that time in Penney's when she was really little and had to pee every five minutes. Now I'm even more sorry. It was an accident; I didn't know the damn door was hinged to swing both ways. She forgave me on the spot. I still haven't forgiven myself.

My daughter is the sweetest daughter in the world.

I'm sorry now that I made her taste a one-bite of cottage cheese that time; I used to puke whenever my mother made me taste something I didn't want to taste, too.

Mamacita's daughter, all right.

I'm sorry I made you wear sneakers and not your Jellies on Track and Field day in kindergarten.

I'm also sorry I didn't tell you before that I know you wore the Jellies anyway. I could see you from my classroom window.

I'm sorry I can't help you out financially any more.

I'm sorry your cat eats glass ornaments so you can't have a Christmas tree. But I'm glad you come home so often, and can share mine.

Don't worry about all the livestock and feral animals in the yard. I wouldn't let anything on earth harm you.

They'll have to devour me first. And what animal would still be hungry after a feast THAT size?

I love you, my own sweet princess. And I promise I won't tell the public how I used to let you run around the yard in the nude.

Oh wait. I think I already did that.

Um, sorry.

Okay, I won't tell anybody what your 'dream date' was, when you were a really little girl. You know, the one where you said it would be "to go to McDonald's and eat INSIDE!"