Friday, May 31, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!L

A giant asteroid called 1998 QE2 is passing close by the Earth. The “QE2” part of the name doesn’t come from the famous cruise ship. If scientists were going to name a potentially disastrous piece of debris after a cruise liner they would have picked Carnival’s “Triumph”.

McDonald’s CEO says he lost twenty pounds eating at McDonald’s every day. The trick was he brought his own salad and ate it while sitting in a McDonald’s.

Bangkok has been rated as the world’s top travel site. It’s the only travel destination where you have to get your shots after the trip.

Bangkok has been rated as the world’s top travel site. It’s the only romantic destination that is never booked by couples.

An Illinois man has been charged with molesting a peacock. The last time a peacock was violated this badly was when the most recent prime time ratings came out for NBC.

Ann Romney says there has been a breach of trust between the public and the government. Apparently the part that is hard to get over is that no one trusted her husband enough to let him try to fix it.

84 year old Harold Mendenhall from Florida has reached a rare milestone, donating 100 gallons of blood to his local blood bank. Apparently the person conducting the blood drive didn’t hear when Mendenhall said “OK, that’s enough.”

84 year old Harold Mendenhall from Florida has reached a rare milestone, donating 100 gallons of blood to his local blood bank. Which is great news for anyone who wants to get a blood transfusion that will make them feel like they are 84 again.

84 year old Harold Mendenhall from Florida has reached a rare milestone, donating 100 gallons of blood to his local blood bank. There hasn’t ever been that much blood given outside an IRS audit.

The U.S. is urging states to not allow general use of self driving cars. What they don’t realize is that between people putting on makeup, eating and using their cellphones, most cars on the road are already pretty much self driving.

A Hong Kong Starbucks caused an uproar when it was discovered they were using a tap near a urinal for water to make their coffee. By using water from right next to a urinal all they were doing is cutting out the middle man.

The Mayor of Detroit wants to pass a law making city employees live within the city limits for at least seven years. The only problem is that anyone in Detroit who has a job that is paying enough money is going to looking at whether they can afford to commute to work from another state.

A study says the best way to win an argument is to shout louder than the other person. Apparently the study was conducted by watching “The O’Reilly Factor”.

A study says the best way to win an argument is to shout louder than the other person. Unless the other person is your boss, a cop or your wife.

The French have finally come up with their own word for “French kiss”. Which is surprising since the French have 54 other terms on how to kiss another part of their anatomy.

A report says that high radiation levels would present dangers to any astronauts on a mission there. Of course, many scientists feel we need to face those dangers to colonize the Red Planet before we turn Earth into the Brown Planet.

A report says that high radiation levels would present dangers to any astronauts on a mission there. Of course, it’s just a matter of time before the radiation levels on Mars are nothing compared to what they will be here now that India, Israel and North Korea all have The Bomb.

A report says that high radiation levels would present dangers to any astronauts on a mission there. To which Republicans in Congress say we need to invade Mars since that proves the Martians must have The Bomb.

Wal-Mart has been fined $110 Million for illegal waste dumping. Otherwise known as “Cleanup on aisles 5, 6, 7...48, 49...”

Venezuelan police have seized 2,500 rolls of toilet paper during a countrywide shortage. Which would be able to last the average woman as long as three weeks.

Venezuelan police have seized 2,500 rolls of toilet paper during a countrywide shortage. There have been no arrests yet, but so far an all points bulletin has been issued for a “Mr. Whipple”.

The Chicago Sun-Times has fired their entire photo department. Apparently management wanted things to be a little less negative.

Michigan Representative John Dingell is set to become the longest serving member of Congress in history. Even John McCain is going around saying “About time...”

Michigan Representative John Dingell is set to become the longest serving member of Congress in history, with more than 57 years in the House. That has prompted some members of Congress to propose a limit to all members of no more than 25 terms.

Michigan Representative John Dingell is set to become the longest serving member of Congress in history. Which means he has been around for the spending of each and every one of the $16 Trillion we now owe.

A ten year strike of cleaning and maintenance workers at the Congress Plaza Hotel in Chicago has ended. The only problem is picking which workers to go and clean the rooms that haven’t had the last 3,650 guests sleep on the same sheets.

A ten year strike of cleaning and maintenance workers at the Congress Plaza Hotel in Chicago has ended. Apparently the strike was finally settled when no one could actually remember what they were picketing for in the first place.

A study says that joblessness shortens the life span of the least educated white women. Which is bad news for Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin now that they have given up their political careers.

A UK study says that handbags carry more germs than the average toilet flush. Which must really make women feel good who have shelled out $1,500 for the Louis Vuitton on their shoulder.

A UK study says that handbags carry more germs than the average toilet flush. No one had any idea that purses were actually the original porta-pottys.

A study says that new doctors spend an average time of eight minutes with their patients. What else did they expect from their $100 office co-pay?

A study says that new doctors spend an average time of eight minutes with their patients. That drops to ten seconds if they answer “no” to the first question of “Do you have health insurance?”

A study says that immigrants added nearly $14 Billion more to Medicare than they got back in 2009. Which means the INS will have a new policy in place that says that illegal immigrants will be immediately deported on their 65th birthday.

A study says that to stop hospital infections, ICU patients should be decontaminated. If they were decontaminated, they probably wouldn’t be in the hospital in the first place.

Researchers say the human brain is capable of making its own version of Valium. It’s called watching C-SPAN.

A study says that medical personnel are on board airplanes for most in flight emergencies. Fortunately, most the previous causes for in flight medical emergencies of choking, vomiting and Ptomaine poisoning went away when airlines quit serving meals.

A study says that high blood pressure is linked to declining brain functions. Mostly when people’s brains shut down from the shock of getting all their doctor bills for their high blood pressure.

Mississippi is ranked the worst for senior health in America. Which means the good news for unhealthy seniors in Mississippi is they won’t have to endure their bad health for long.

Mississippi is ranked the worst for senior health in America. That was good news for educators in Mississippi who finally got some of the attention away for having the worst schools in the country.

A study says that the pain reliever Ibuprofen is linked to heart problems. The worst part is that most people are taking Ibuprofen to take care of the headaches they get from trying to pay all the bills from their cardiologist.

A survey says that some antidepressants are linked to Erectile Dysfunction. Which having ED is probably why those men are depressed in the first place.

DC Comics is marking the 75th anniversary of Superman with a new logo. Not to say that Superman is getting old, but the last time he used his X-Ray vision was to give himself a colonoscopy.

Laker Steve Nash is fighting to keep his ex-wife from moving closer to him in California. To which millions of divorced men across the country are saying “You can do that?”

Laker Steve Nash is fighting to keep his ex-wife from moving closer to him in California. Apparently to claim full time residency in the state the Lakers would have to have a season that includes the playoffs.

A new concept can from Coca-Cola splits in two for sharing. Or you can drink the whole container at which point your pants split in two.

The Internet has grown to now have 2.4 Billion people connected worldwide. Which means that magazines are still a necessity for the 4.6 Billion people who have that as the only option as to how to get their porn.

Internet sensation “Grumpy Cat” has a deal for a movie. Apparently he beat out thousands of other hopefuls including three hundred piano playing cats and four hundred cracker-eating hamsters.

Internet sensation “Grumpy Cat” has a deal for a movie. Apparently it already has more emotional range than Keanu Reeves.

Sonar images show what could be the wreckage of Amelia Earhart’s plane in the Pacific. The only other plane that has sat there as long without moving are JetBlue flights out of JFK.

An official wants to end roaming fees for cellphone users in Europe. Or as they say, “When in Rome, do as the Romans and don’t roam when you are calling outside of Rome” or something like that.

The federal government says it doesn’t plan to take down Bitcoins or other Internet monetary systems. Mostly because we may need them since they are in better shape than the dollar.

A poll says that voters are split equally on generic candidates from either party in their district. Mostly because a generic candidate sounds a lot better than the people who are actually running for office.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! That is another 52 jokes coming your way, free of charge. That is a 45 cent value! I pump out more than 40 jokes a day, five days a week all year. That is more than 10,000 jokes for you, of which as many as three are funny. If that isn’t sending you all the love, I don’t know what is, so feel free to send it on back any time!