So to even suggest that dating a zombie would be preferable to hooking up with a vampire sounds as crazy as a vamp sparkling.

But I am here to show you why, in the battle to the undeath for your affections, a zombie should emerge as the victorious suitor.

Reason #1 Vampires have an eternity’s worth of exs

Although zombies are regenerated dead people, they have a limited undeadspan, unlike vampires, who life forever. In addition to the ennui that goes along with eternal life, could you imagine having to contend with potentially centuries or even millenia of baggage from a vampire suitor’s previous relationships?

Case in point: I am a huge fan of the Delena Vampire Diaries ship, but even though Ian Somerhalder’s Damon is a truly sexy beast, I do not envy the uphill battle Elena has to face in undoing the damage inflicted upon him by his crazy ex Katherine, who he pined over for 145 years until he discovered she could not care less about him.

Zombies’ Ex Files, by comparison, are much more manageable. Heck, you probably won’t ever have to have the awkward ex conversation, not only because zombies are not the best conversationalists, but because most zombies are too ugly to have much of a love life.

Reason #2 Zombies want you for your mind

You’ll never be in doubt that a zombie only wants you for superficial reasons like your body – the one and only thing they lust after in us humans is our braaaaaains!

Say what you will about zombies, but they are certainly a social lot, preferring to converge on their human prey in groups. If you can get over the fact that their friends always want to gnaw on you, you’ll have the most awesome party lists in no time! Vampires, on the other hand, are the perennial loners. Zombies’ strength is in their numbers, whereas vampires tend to hunt alone as they are competing for the same Happy Meals with Legs. Vampire covens are rare and usually small at best.

Reason #4 Zombies are better dancers (though there is one exception to this rule!)

Zombies’ stiff limbs are perfect for popping and locking. The most famous music video of all time, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, is a tribute to their mad dancing skills!

KJewls, I know you would have never forgiven me if I didn’t make this concession!

Reason #5 You can grow old with a zombie

Vampires are permanently stuck at a particular age, whereas zombies not only age but are in fact decomposing (and you think WRINKLES are a drama!). With a vampire, you are forced to either turn and stay young and pretty forever but become a monster, or grow old while your vampire lover remains exactly the same.

This guy wants to grow old with you! Awww!

So, fellow spideys and spidettes … have I helped you see zombies in a new light, or are you still firmly on Team Bloodsucker?

Watch this space for my next The Walking Dead recap, which is coming soon 🙂

10 responses to “Team Braaaains! Five reasons to date a zombie rather than a vampire…”

Wow. I love this post so much, that I want to marry it and have zombified babies with it. (And you know how I feel about zombies . . . So that says A LOT.)

I have to admit, when I first read the title of your post, I was a bit skeptical. I said out loud. “She is SO WRONG! There is no better boyfriend in the WORLD than a great abs-having, Eye Thing-giving, neck- sucking vampire!”

But, I have to say, you made quite the case for a Zombie Beau. I mean, lets face it, when it comes to increasing your self-esteem, a perfect-looking vampire has nothing on an undead decaying dude! You’re always guaranteed be the better-looking one in the relationship (not to mention, the smarter one)!

And that Angel Dancing GIF? PURE WIN! (Not quite as entrancing as Damon Dancing, mind you, but it certainly has its own special allure). 😉

You are absolutely right! A zombie WOULD be an instant self-esteeem booster – you’d never have to worry about an inferiority complex around them.

Take Twilight (I know, I know, Twinkie fiction, but I love to hate it) for example. Bella spends the whole damn series comparing herself to Edward, who she describes as perfection personified. Maybe if she was dating a zombie she would have had some self-confidence!

Dating a zombie means never having to worry what you look like in the morning and if your breath stinks, as their entrails would overpower any other smell!

Oh, I love Dancing Angel almost as much as I love Dancing Damon. This GIF never fails to CMU, as Amy would say 🙂 It is all about the little hand clapping motion he does … spirit fingers never looked so badly good!

What’s wrong with Angel’s danceing? I model my own form of dancing around that fluid, sensual and unique form of dance.
Surely Angel is the KING of the dance floor.

I must admit to being a little more interested in the lovely lady dancing with Mr. Salvatore than Mr. Salvatore himself.
Looking at Mr. Salvatore, a certain Fight Club quote comes instantly to mind “self improvement is masturbation …”

As for thriller … I can’t say I’m a fan of large groups of people all making the same move.
Give me CHAOS, it’s much more interesting – if a little bit more dangerous.
And according to the Australian bureau of Statistics – chicks dig danger (and weedy looking blokes who drive vehicles that are actually – DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN – robots in disguise [failing that: anything that’s not a Prius])

You do however, have me convinced on the ‘ex-factor’. I am sure that the amount of baggage a vampire carries would indeed be a huge turn off.
I envision it as something of a Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World situation, only ten thousand times worse due to the phenomal number of years that the vampire has had available to accumulate their exes (there’s bound to be a number of immortals amongst those exes as well a number of whom would also have super strength.
Dealing with immortal super-strengthed ex-boyfriend? No thank you.

And I do believe you missed out on one very important reason why zombies would make superior partners.
There would be no arguments. Sure they’d moan every so often (which, let’s face it, would get a bit annoying. No one likes a whinger) but they don’t answer back, and don’t make smart-arse pompous bullshit comments.

Short of the occasional burning of the roast, zombies would be the perfect partner.
And you can even hit them all you like – fun for all the family. But that’s another story for another day.

Fight Club definitely turns a lot of what you think you know on your head. For me, that statement refers to how society instills in us values like conformity that are ultimately more dangerous than self-destruction. For instance, we often see self-help tools like affirmations as the guiding light when we are lost, but maybe a little self-destruction can be good for the system?

I mean, self-help to me can often be like sticking a band aid on an open sore pulsating with enough pus to disgust a zombie. Self-destruction usually involves hitting rock bottom, but reaching this point can force you to get back to bare essentials and rebuild yourself again with a stronger foundation. This is a perfect way to look at Mr Salvatore, who is the embodiment of self-destruction. I won’t stop harping on this until you break down and do so, but you should definitely watch the Vampire Diaries – it is smart AND you get pretty people dancing around in their underwear. Win-win in my books!

“Fluid, sensual and unique form of dance”. This phrase made me crack up almost as much as that GIF does . Well, I will give you this: he redefined the term jaw-dropping for me, so in some ways his dancing has superpowers.

I guess zombies are like pets in the way that they never answer back – hence why we love them so!

Serves me right for judging a book by it’s cover. Actually the Fight Club quote wasn’t the first one that came to mind, it was actually Robot Chicken’s parody of Into The Blue – “I do a lot of sit-ups”, but that just didn’t seem to have the same lulz value.

And in regards to Angels dance – I stand by what I said (more the word ‘unique’ than anything else) with pride and dignity.

Well, all philosophical stuff about Fight Club aside, let’s face it, it was a showcase for Brad Pitt’s physicality!

Robot Chicken always gets lulz from me 🙂 Ahh, Into the Blue. That cheesy-looking Jessica Alba vehicle I’ve seen on video store shelves but have always avoided like the plague. Nice to know it is getting the hell teased out of it!

I bet Angel would be a lot of fun to dance with. He probably can do a mean clothes drier 🙂