I am trying to decide whether to go for a promotion. I really want the job and I’d be good at it, but the family-work-travel balance, that’s not easy math, is it? How much at-home is enough at-home? What about when they’re teenagers? They are tying their own shoes now, but when they need me, the issues tend to be bigger. And the parenting opportunities are fewer, so I need to take them when they come up.

I roll it around in my head, endlessly.

And Dad has had a series of small strokes. He needs me around more than he did.

But my travel would mostly be in my control… but not entirely… but that’s the life I’m living right now, too… but my away-days would increase… but the pay would be better and that would help to pay for college…

And so I go on.

Our daily decisions, yours and mine. We working mommies. The little ones (should I swing by and get take-out? It’s 7:00 and making dinner would sap my remaining energy, and probably make me crabby, but it’s not in the budget and it’s not the healthiest and we had take-out yesterday…) and the big ones (do I go for this promotion???).

As I’ve said before, this life is not for sissies.

We have to be tough enough to go for what’s right for us. AND tough enough to let that be our family vs the job if that’s what our heart and head tells us. AND we have to be flexible enough to roll with the flat tire, the strep throat, the needy customer. AND smart and humble enough to ask for help when we need it. Because we are going to need it. No woman ever did this alone, sistah.

And can we please be allowed to look good while we’re doing all this? Wonder woman does., after all. She can be badass AND look fabulous. Oh, right, movie magic. If I had a stylist and a make-up artist hiding in my closet upstairs, that WOULD help.

*sigh*

It’s okay. It’s always okay. There are many ways to have a good life, just like there are many ways to be a great mom.

Good morning, Mamma! Happy Monday! Ready to take on the day? How’s that career of yours going? You know, the one you spend so much time at?

Can we talk for a minute about the difference between “I don’t want to” and “I can’t”?

“I don’t want to” is a perfectly legitimate response to any number of work-life possibilities. As in, “I don’t want to move to New Jersey” or “I don’t want to travel three weeks out of every four”. Making choices based on your values (and with no apologies!) is a rock-solid essential part of being a happy Working Mommy. “I don’t want to go to happy hour” is a particular favorite of mine.

“I can’t”, on the other hand, may be you underestimating yourself. It may be fear. It may be self-sabotage because somebody, somewhere told you that you weren’t worthy of that height of success. “I can’t” needs to be addressed.

What is it you want, but are afraid to go for? That’s a big question. If it’s fear keeping you from that goal, who in the world ever told you it was too big for you? Can you look back and tell them to take a leap?

You are CAPABLE of ANYTHING. It’s just whether or not you want the work that goes into achieving that particular goal.

By the same token, just because you are capable of something, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it if it’s making you and your family miserable. If you don’t want something, don’t do it. But if you think you can’t, that needs some consideration.

Give it a thought today, Mamma. This career thing you are doing, it offers a lot. Intellectual challenge, positive feedback, safety net, it’s all there. Don’t short-change yourself because of fear.

Today, maybe, a quick self assessment? Where are you headed, and why? What would your dream job be, and are your current behaviors designed to get you there? If not, why not?

I feel so much affection for all the working mommies out there. I want the best for you, girl. Don’t go for the C-Suite just because you think it’s the only worthy goal. By the same token, don’t NOT go for it, just because you somehow think you’re not worthy.

Your season of life, your kids and husband’s needs, your partner husband’s ability and willingness to support your family and your home, your company’s respect for family as a legitimate value… and, so importantly, your own heart and gut, they all play a role in this decision making.

Good morning, dear. Happy Monday! Why do you work? Is it because you, like me, have to? I married a wonderful, but poor, preacher’s son, and my own parents were from farmers and one generation from immigrants-with-nothing. So I work because there is no trust fund and the mortgage must be paid. And daycare. And groceries. And shoes, always new shoes.

When this double life (I’m a mom! I’m a worker!) gets particularly nuts, I can find myself resenting my work. Wishing I could stay home and just take the kids for a picnic in the park. (*sigh* Doesn’t that sound lovely?) But here’s what I’ve learned: no one gets an easy life. No one. Because life is not easy. Whether you’re the working mom wishing she had more time with her kids, or the stay-at-home mom wishing she had more recognition from other grown-ups, there is no “easy” here.

But there is good.

So, yes, you run through the airport, looking like a fool, and drive like a maniac straight to the ballpark where you walk up the bleachers in bare feet, carrying the heels. But when you see your son tag the guy out at home – there’s nothing like it. All the hassle and stress magically don’t matter any more.

And yes, you get up at oh-dark-hundred to go for a run so you can please-God stay fit. And you plan out your business day around the need to be at school for the third grade “play” at 2 o’clock, wondering if you should just take the half-day off or if a stolen thirty minutes of “Little Red Riding Hood” qualifies as lunch maybe? And then your daughter steals the show as a hilarious granny and you laugh and wonder where she got her courage and you’re grateful she has it. And it’s so good.

And the work successes. And the 401K. And the knowledge that if, God-forbid, anything happened, you have a skill set that can keep you and the kiddos in the house.

These lives, Mamma, this working-mommy thing, it’s a mess. We can feel torn and stressed and like we don’t work enough and we don’t mommy enough and oh, husband, please be patient with me, I love you and we will have a date night soon!

But.

But. There is beauty here too. Beauty and strength and courage and don’t you forget it.

No one gets an easy life. There is no easy. But there is beautiful.

See the beauty, Mamma. Give yourself credit for what you are doing well. Allow yourself to enjoy your work. Tell your kids about it, let them know what you do well outside the home. And allow yourself to value your family. Don’t pretend you’re not a mom. Life is way too short and way too precious to live under the fear of someone else’s opinion. To the best of your ability and opportunities, live life according to your rules and your values.

Good morning, Mamma. Good weekend? I hope so. I am meeting a friend this morning for coffee. We’re going to talk about what it’s like to be a Working Mommy. She asked to meet me to hear about my experience working and mothering as she considers re-entering the workforce after fifteen years away. “You’ve got great kids and they still seem to like you. How do you do it?” (Best compliment EVER.)

My friend has been, in my opinion, a really great stay-at-home mom. I don’t know why she’s looking at going back to work-in-the-outside-world. I imagine I’ll find out this morning.

What will I say? I’ve thought a lot about this madness. Talked to my daughter about it just this weekend and she considers her own career path. I plan to give my friend encouragement and harsh realities. This life is a mixed gift pack.

I’ll tell her some of what sucks about this gig; and there are days that suck.

I’ll tell her that there is no way this will be easy or perfect. That she is going to miss a lot. (I still struggle with feelings of hate for the nanny who told me she witnessed my kid’s first steps while I was away at work that day.) I’ll tell her there will be pain. (Mandatory meeting on your child’s birthday. Days when you get home after they’ve gone to bed or leave before they wake up. Times when she’ll lose her temper at home because something stressful happened at work and she can’t get it out of her head.) That she and her husband (and kids, hers are pre-teen and teenagers) will have to reconfigure the care-of-the-house partnership; and that she will have to be okay with the way they fold laundry. That, in all likelihood, she’ll still have to be the ones to remind them to do their jobs because, even though she is working outside the home, she’ll still be the mom. I’ll tell her that there will be days when she is so tired that she could fall asleep on the sofa at night, fully dressed, briefcase still in hand. (But her kids will think it’s funny; and her husband will offer to make dinner; mine did.)

And I’ll tell my friend what she’s going to get for all that hassle and pain.

She’ll get a sense of herself that is her own, independent of her relationships with her family, and that sense of self builds a confidence that her children and husband will feel.

She’ll get her own income. This, in my experience, helps to foster a more equal partnership in the marriage as she will know that she earned the money she is spending. There will be less risk of feeling like she has to ask her husband about how to spend ‘his’ money.

She’ll get a break from the constant vigilance about the welfare of her family that is the part and parcel of motherhood. She’ll come back home hungry to be with them and excited to hear about their days. I’ll tell her what it’s like to blow through the front door at the end of the day and have the kids scream, “Mommy!”

She’ll get a variety in her days and life that can light her imagination and energize her mind. Her husband and children can share in this lit-up mind when she shares it with them. I’ll encourage her to talk about her work day at home because it can be very cool to tell your kids about that part of their life. It also models this kind of conversation for them so that they may turn around and tell you about their days too.

And I’ll caution her.

I’ll caution her not to spend too much of her life and mind and time at work. Work, in many ways, is easier than motherhood. Work, in many ways is easier than marriage. Work sure as fire is easier than cleaning the house. But there is a price to be paid if you let yourself get drawn away too much. Oh, make no mistake, there will be a price to pay no matter what, but the degree, the amount you agree to pay in family togetherness, that is up to us and I’ll tell my friend to be aware of this and be careful.

I’ll tell her it’s important to pick a job with flexibility so that she can protect that family time. I’ll tell her about the chickenpox rule: If your child came down with the chickenpox, could you stay home from work that day? If the answer is no, then that is not a Working-Mommy-Friendly job and you probably want to keep looking.

I’ll caution her about the guys at work who will be a little flirtatious. Too flirtatious. Because she will be dressed up and beautiful everyday, and so will they. Because she will never have to yell at them to fix the toilet. Because they will never yell at her for spending too much on the towels. Too easy, complete mirage, so dangerous.

In the end, I’ll lay out the good, the bad, the mess of it. I’ll tell her that I didn’t have a choice, I had to work. I’ll tell her that even though I have great kids, even though they still like me and even though I missed my work when I got to stay home with them for several months, even though… I still hate working some days, and I still dream about what it would have been like to be with them when they were little.

Good morning, Working Mommy. How are you? Are you remembering to be a mom and wife and friend and athlete in addition to being the worker bee?

Work is seductive. The money, the recognition, the calls from your boss… they can draw you in till you look up and 90% of your life is work.

Take care, Mamma. This can happen in seasons, sometimes it has to, but please don’t let it happen for too long. This is your life we’re talking about, your whole life. Your children are only little for a very, very short time. Don’t miss it.

I’ve just finished five, no wait, six weeks of massively intensive work. It has been productive, exciting and fun. I’m doing really well; my product is doing really well; I expect bonuses and more recognition to follow. I’ve skipped workouts, family dinners, and time with friends. I’ve eaten crap food on the run.

AND my family has paid a price.

No, no excuses, and don’t tell me it’s okay. They do pay a price when I work like this. And so do I.

So, starting today, I very consciously, very intentionally go back to a more rational balance in my life.

Because there is no amount of money that can buy my relationship with my family.

Good morning, Mamma. I have about seven minutes to say hello today. I’m in the thick of it, girl.

I had a conversation this weekend with a teen-age girl who wanted to talk career. I had a chance to tell her about how I passed on promotions while my kids were kids because in my business, a promotion means a move or 80% travel.

And I was so pleased to observe my heart and discover I have no regrets.

Because there is no amount of money, prestige or power that can compete with the experiences I had with my kids, loving them, mothering them, teaching them and cheering them on. And I love my career! You know I do! I feel so blessed that I’ve been able to have both a life as a mother and a life as a business woman.

The mac & cheese on the front porch, popcorn and Junior Mints in front of a movie, tiny clementine sections eaten on a hike… the flavors of my choices.

Think on this, Mamma. Twenty years from now you will look back. What do you want it to look like?

Your business may be more flexible than mine. If I had moved up, my time with my kids would have been reduced exponentially.

At a crucial time in my life, an older mentor cautioned me when I went to her to ask advice about a promotion I had been asked to interview for. She told me a story. Her son, at his graduation dinner, after her speech about how wonderful it had been to mother him, had said out loud, in front of the family, “Come on Mom, you know we pretty much raised ourselves.”

She cried when she told me about it.

You can have a career. You can make money. You can be a success. Just mind the trade-offs, girl.

Good morning, Mamma. How are you going to stay close to your kidlets today? Where in your day will you have time to just be with them? I had twenty minutes over breakfast with mine on Wednesday, and twenty minutes at bedtime last night. This, if continued, is not a formula for a close family. It was also my reality these last two days.

This morning, I have to leave before seven AGAIN, so I’ll wake them up with a smile and then have to go (these are the mornings when it pays to have a full partner husband).

If I want to be close to my children, I have to spend time with them. REAL TIME. I had prepped them that this week was going to involve extraordinarily long days at work, so they were ready, but I still need to make it up to them tonight. And this weekend.

And I don’t want to hear they’ll be okay; this, if continued over time, they would most definitely not be okay. I love my work; I am grateful for my work; but I love my kids more.

I once thought to myself, “If I gave my work the same number of hours I give to my children, would I still be employed? “The answer, at that time in my life, was a decided no. I changed a great deal after that revelation. I do not want to be fired by my kids.

So. No book clubs for me. I lunch on the run. I order groceries (except for yesterday when I spaced it) and have them delivered. My dry-cleaning is delivered. I have a cleaning lady. My neighbor mows my yard for the cost of a coffee-a-day. Every thing that can be outsourced, is.

There are no prizes for doing it all. There is no award for the most independent (and miserable) woman.

Yesterday, I told my manager that I was taking a half day off to watch my daughter’s last race. This is a VERY high-intensity time at my work. But I missed her winning all-conference. I missed her high school Personal Best at the last meet. I’m not missing my last chance to see her run.

I took a chance in telling him what I was doing. I took a chance in valuing my kids. But we have to, Mamma. Work cannot always win. Your kids will not be here forever and they will not be ever-forgiving of always being prioritized after your work.

Plus, this is your LIFE. This is it. You don’t get to do it over after you make it to the C-suite and somehow magically have more free time.

Choices.

Be strong, Mamma. Be brave. Be brave enough to go public with your devotion to your kids. You can still be a rockstar at work. Really, you can. Rock. Star.

Hey, girl, how are you? I’m on a plane right now, Chicago here I come. Lovely little Midway airport. Manageable, bite-sized little airport where everyone smiles because they are not fighting the crowds at O’Hare.

How are you? What are you up to this week? Do you have your goals written down? For the quarter, for the week, for today? And are you remembering to take care of your family, your marriage, yourself, along with those Power Point presentations? And customer calls. And budget meetings.

Balance. I love and I hate that word. I love the idea, but really, there is no “balance” in our lives. No magical perfect point at which, if we arrange everything just so, our lives will be calm and harmonious. Nope, no balance. There are just too many variables. (Ear infection, flat tire, 8AM phone call from the boss asking you to rescue customer A1…) But there is trying, and there is pivoting as needed, and there is grace and forgiveness when something goes awry. Functional, happy life, yes. Balance, not so much.

I was still figuring out rides for my kids in the kitchen this morning. We had Plan A (Dad), Plan B (big brother) and Plan C (the nice family whose son is also on the basketball team). Thank God for cell phones, the kids will check their texts after school (their school has a zero cell phone policy during the day, which I love) to see how they are getting to their various activities. Not ideal, but this is our reality for today.

At least until I make it big and can hire a chauffeur. And a cook. And a gardener. Oooh, and a stylist! I digress.

Juggle. Juggle like the magician you are, Mamma. Juggle while keeping your core values in the front of your mind.

My core values:
* God – Am I being ethical and honest in all I do? Did I say thank you for all the blessings God has given me today?
* Family – Am I meeting my family’s needs? Do I know my family’s needs? Am I communicating to them the back and forth of our days so that they never feel like they are walking blind? Did I tell them I love them today? Touch them? Look them in the eye?
* Worker – Am I giving my company great energy and my full intelligence? Am I doing excellent work? Am I supporting my team?
* Writing – This blog. My Mamma friends. Love you, ladies.
* Athlete – Did I move my body today? I need to be fully functional and fully energized in order to meet all my other obligations. I have to be healthy to do that. Walk by the McD’s sister, your body needs better.
* Giver – Did I give back to the world today? Help someone who needed a little support? To whom much is given, much is expected, and I’m pretty darn blessed.
* Woman – Have I indulged in the feminine side of me? The side that needs to be fed with beauty, softness, and an occasional Walt Whitman poem? Don’t forget her in all the achieving and taking care of others. She gets lonely.

How about you, darling? What is your list? Take time to think about it, consider writing it down by hand because there is tremendous power in that exercise. Values, goals. Thoreau’s well-examined life.

Busy, yes, but mindfully lived, even as you run through the airport (Parking lot? Grocery store?) like a crazy woman.

My assistant commented, as she watched me race around yesterday, that she was getting lessons from me in how to balance work and motherhood. Heavens, well, yeah, I guess.

Because it was a day.

My son graduated yesterday. Summa cum laude. So proud of him. A friend texted him, two minutes before his award ceremony started, “Dude, I think I just saw your mom running across the street??” My son texted back, “Great, that means she found parking spot!”.

And I was running across the street, barefoot, heels in hand, praying I would make it, and I did, just two minutes after the ceremony started, which I count as a success. At least considering yesterday’s schedule.

My life. Yours too, right?

And I am preparing for a massive product launch in eleven days. The work, the pressure, the conference calls! And it was field day with the younger kids outside all day long. Sunscreen, snacks, face paint (Go team!) And my younger son has a basketball tournament today. In a city an hour away. (Arrange rides? Husband miss grad party for older son?) And my daughter has her spring formal tonight. (Dress, hair, nails!) And we have graduation party today. (Family in town, need to pick up son’s favorite Indian food, must clean house – well, mostly clean house).

We get the job done, don’t we, Mommy?

My assistant sat with me yesterday morning as I blocked out our day. I’ll do this, you do this. I’ll take this call in the car on the way to get daughter’s dress, if you get to this point in the project, call me. And so on.
And when daughter had to be driven back to the park to get the thousand dollar piece of equipment she had forgotten there, there just was not time enough left to be a delicious half an hour early to my son’s ceremony. But it worked. It wasn’t perfect, but it was okay.

It was one of those days when you pause for breath and think, “My life is crazy.”

My life IS crazy. Combining work and motherhood is not neat, tidy or ever, ever predictable. Ever. But it is wonderful. Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.

I’m okay with messy if it means I get to be there. Be there making white felt Smurf Hats for their field day team (hot glue, Mamma, hot glue), I want to be there when my son accepts his award acknowledging four years of hard work and sacrifice, and I want to rock this product launch in a way the company will talk about in the annual report.

I don’t want it all, but I want as much as I can fit in a day. And if it occasionally involves me running barefoot through the streets of the city, I’m okay with that.

*sigh*

Life is good. Play today, Mamma. Play and laugh and roll in the grass with your kids. Monday will come soon enough with another dose of crazy. Go play!

I have a massive project going right now with an important deadline in about three weeks. I could work every minute of every day for these next three weeks to polish and prepare for this mile mark, but I’m not going to.

Because, while I do love my work, I’m not just a worker. And, while I take pride in being excellent in what I do for my company, I’m more than my career. So much more.

I’m a mom. And a wife. And an athlete, friend, and daughter.

Work gets most of my waking hours. I check email and study technical papers before my kids wake up in the morning. I’m physically away from home and at work anywhere from seven to eleven hours a day – when I’m in town – and I have a home office that gets another hour or two of my life at the end of the day. Work gets plenty of my energy, yet it never seems enough. I have to fight the urge to do just one more thing. I fight to set it aside and really be with my family.

I love my work, I do. But it cannot have my Saturday.

This is my day to reconnect. I put tremendous effort into staying in touch with my kids during the week, but today, Saturday, is the day we get large chunks of just hanging around together. Unstructured, sweat pants and pajamas, together for hours Saturday. How can I describe the piled-on-the-sofa-reading or the laying-on-a-blanket-in-the-front-yard that is Saturday?
This day is solid gold.

And yes, the laundry and the lawn and the groceries, I get it. But manage it while they sleep, or hire it out if you can, yes? Martha Stewart is not going to come inspect your house; it’s okay if it looks like you live there.
Go play, Mamma. You work plenty hard, do not give away your precious weekend.

Companies are soulless – they are profit-driven (as they should be) and they will accept every hour that you are willing to give them. You need to draw the line. You need to make your family a priority.

You will work for the rest of your life; your kids you have for a very precious, very little while, and then they fly.
Today, go play, alright? For me. For your munchkins. For your own heart and body and memory banks, go play!