Bitch Media - Clarisse Thornhttp://bitchmagazine.org/taxonomy/term/11943/0
enThinking Kink: The Final (Leather-Clad) Curtainhttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/thinking-kink-my-final-leather-clad-curtain-BDSM-feminist-magazine-sexuality-blog-series
<p>It's hard to believe that eight weeks spent Thinking Kink has flown by already, and that this will <img alt="Catherine next to a stack of BDSM books" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7253/7747169454_5e36b52dbc_o.jpg" style="width: 448px; height: 263px; margin: 8px 5px; float: right;">be my last post in the series. It has been a fantastic two months, and I've learned so much—from my research, from my interviewees, and from the great readership of Bitch. I've learned a heck of a lot about the kink community and even more about myself. I've also met some wonderful, open-minded, intelligent, and funny people both inside and outside the BDSM scene, and learned above all that mutual acceptance is the only way for contrasting lifestyles to coexist peacefully.</p><p>I've experienced the full gamut of comments on my posts: combative, offended, dismissive, excited, grateful, hilarious, and helpful. I'm pleased to say the vast majority of feedback I've received has been positive, and some has been deeply touching too. People have thanked me for addressing topics that they wanted to see explored, and some folks have bravely come forward to share painful personal experiences, hopefully finding catharsis. I cannot thank these people enough for validating my writing with their kind and courageous words.</p><p>Whether it's hearing commenters like Larabee tell of their positive experiences, "Now, my partner and I have hard limits that mean I will never have to do anything I don't want to. It is awesome to feel safe. Safe is sexy!", or Anon making me PMSL by remarking, "Yanno, some of the hottest sex I've ever had was followed immediately by the thought that Gloria Steinem was gonna personally come and yank my NOW membership card," I can safely say Bitch readers and commenters have made this series what it was: fun and fascinating to write.</p><p>For those thirsting for more information on kink, the following books have been invaluable in writing this series.</p><p><em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159352/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344507810&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+new+bottoming+book" target="_blank">The New Bottoming Book</a></em> - Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy</p><p><em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/How-Kinky-Beginners-Guide-BDSM/dp/1931160635/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344507847&amp;sr=1-2&amp;keywords=how+to+be+kinky+morpheous" target="_blank">How To Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM</a> </em>- Morpheous</p><p><em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deviations-Gayle-Reader-Franklin-Center/dp/0822349868/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344508970&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=deviations+rubin" target="_blank">Deviations: A Gayle Rubin Reader</a></em> - Gayle Rubin</p><p><em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-BDSM-Erotic/dp/157344779X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344507939&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+ultimate+guide+to+kink" target="_blank">The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge</a></em> - Ed. Tristan Taormino</p><p><em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Feminist-Best-Clarisse-Thorn/dp/1477472045/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344507897&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=The+S%26M+Feminist" target="_blank">The S&amp;M Feminist: Best of Clarisse Thorn</a></em> - Clarisse Thorn</p><p><em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Techniques-Pleasure-BDSM-Circuits-Sexuality/dp/0822351595/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344507734&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=techniques+of+pleasure+margot+weiss" target="_blank">Techniques of Pleasure: BDSM And The Circuits of Sexuality</a></em> - Margot Weiss</p><p><em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344507992&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=sm+101" target="_blank">S/M 101: A Realistic Introduction</a> </em>- Jay Wiseman</p><p>Although not all BDSM-themed, the Yes Means Yes! blog and <a href="http://www.womenandchildrenfirst.com/book/9781580052573" target="_blank">book</a> have also been a fantastic resource on positive consent.</p><p>I also must thank my interviewees for sharing their thoughts and experiences, and giving me some fantastic ideas for blog posts.</p><ul><li><strong><a href="http://staceymayfowles.com/?page_id=362" target="_blank">Stacey May Fowles</a> </strong>- I cannot recommend her essays "<a href="http://www.alternet.org/story/113745/the_fantasy_of_acceptable_%27non-consent%27%3A_why_the_female_sexual_submissive_scares_us_%28and_why_she_shouldn%27t%29/" target="_blank">The Fantasy of Acceptable Non-Consent</a>"&nbsp;and "Friction Burn" from <a href="http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=2VUDI6qEdEwC&amp;q=stacey+may+fowles#v=snippet&amp;q=stacey%20may%20fowles&amp;f=false" target="_blank">Nobody Passes</a> highly enough.</li><li><strong>Cliff Pervocracy</strong> - Cliff's blog <a href="http://pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">The Pervocracy</a> deals with feminism and BDSM, and is always educational and thought-provoking as well as frequently laugh-out-loud hilarious.</li><li><strong>Clarisse Thorn </strong>- Sex-positive activist Clarisse has a fantastic <a href="http://clarissethorn.com/blog/" target="_blank">blog</a> and her book <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0086QIBEC/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=clarthor-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=B0086QIBEC" target="_blank">The S&amp;M Feminist</a> </em>has been a great resource for this series.</li><li><strong>Mollena Williams </strong>- BDSM educator and performer <a href="http://www.mollena.com/" target="_blank">Mollena</a> 's kick-ass writing has appeared in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/1573443786?tag=thepervnegr-20&amp;camp=14573&amp;creative=327641&amp;linkCode=as1&amp;creativeASIN=1573443786&amp;adid=0N1X541GQWXY49DYH65D&amp;" target="_blank">various</a> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-BDSM-Erotic/dp/157344779X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344530652&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=ultimate+guide+to+kink" target="_blank">places</a>: her latest work is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0937609587/ref=as_li_tf_til?tag=thepervnegr-20&amp;camp=14573&amp;creative=327641&amp;linkCode=as1&amp;creativeASIN=0937609587&amp;adid=1STKNMSST125M1PQG4PJ&amp;&amp;ref-refURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mollena.com%2Fbdsm-bio%2F" target="_blank">Playing Well With Others.</a></li><li><strong>Prof. Breanne Fahs</strong> - author of <em>Performing Sex: The Making and Unmaking of Women's Sexual Lives</em>, Breanne has provided fascinating viewpoints and personal encouragement throughout the blog series.</li></ul><p>So, when I look back at all the questions I wanted to address during this blog series, do I feel I've answered them? Not definitively, but that was never the goal anyway—otherwise we could all go home and no one would ever need to write on kink and pop culture again! But have I explored issues I've long been fascinated with, looked at new and sometimes alien perspectives, and had plenty of food for thought presented to me by smart and wonderful folks? Hell YES.</p><p>Whether it was learning trivia about who directed Rihanna's S&amp;M video, or receiving so many recommendations for lesbian BDSM erotica that my computer nearly overheated, I've been educated as much as anyone else reading this series. And for that, fine Bitch readers, I thank you all. If the rest of the population are anything near as intelligent, open-minded and generous as the folks who've responded to my posts, then I will worry a lot less about the influence of pop culture, as I will be able to trust that those immersed in it have the smarts to see what's real and what's just latex-clad silliness.</p><p>And so, dear readers, I encourage you to go forth with your copy of <em>50 Shades/Garfield's Greatest Hits/The Story of O/Mill on The Floss</em>, sit comfortably in your leather/denim/butt-nekkid skin/flannel/PVC, and feast on whatever makes you happy, be that red velvet cupcakes, handcuffs, model airplanes, or a guilty peek at an episode of <em>The LA Complex</em>. Whether you consider yourself kinky, "vanilla," or just happily undefined, remember to keep it safe, consensual, and most of all, fun.</p><p>And always, always remember to bring the love.</p><p><img alt="a sign that says THE END surrounded by a chain" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8440/7747208158_5fbaf86929_n.jpg" style="width: 320px; height: 232px;"></p>
<strong>Previously:</strong> <a href="/post/thinking-kink-the-right-to-play-with-race-feminist-magazine-bdsm-sex"target="_blank">The Right to Play With Race</a>, <a href="/post/thinking-kink-bdsm-and-playing-with-race-sex-sexuality"target="_blank">Playing With Race in BDSM</a>http://bitchmagazine.org/post/thinking-kink-my-final-leather-clad-curtain-BDSM-feminist-magazine-sexuality-blog-series#commentsBDSMbitchBreanne FahsClarisse ThornCliff PervocracykinkMollena Williamspop cultureStacey May FowlesSex and SexualityFri, 10 Aug 2012 19:37:43 +0000Catherine Scott18292 at http://bitchmagazine.orgThinking Kink: The Right to Play With Racehttp://bitchmagazine.org/post/thinking-kink-the-right-to-play-with-race-feminist-magazine-bdsm-sex
<p>This is the second part of a two-part series on race and BDSM. <a href="/post/thinking-kink-bdsm-and-playing-with-race-sex-sexuality" target="_blank">Read the first post here</a>.</p><p><em>"As often happens, black women carry a double burden, as they are asked to uphold a respectability built on both racist and sexist foundations." - Tamara Winfrey Harris, "<a href="/article/no-disrespect" target="_blank">No Disrespect</a>" from the Fame + Fortune issue of</em> Bitch</p><p>As we discussed in my last post, <a href="/post/thinking-kink-bdsm-and-playing-with-race-sex-sexuality" target="_blank">playing with race in BDSM strikes many as problematic</a>. As a feminist with white privilege, I don't have direct experience with racism in the BDSM community and I can't speak to black women's experiences.&nbsp;However, I believe that if we are tired of the patronizing assumptions that women who participate in BDSM as submissives are disempowered, brainwashed, and somehow "letting the side down," then as <a href="http://clarissethorn.com/blog/" target="_blank">Clarisse Thorn</a> says, we also must recognize that it's "pretty damn patriarchal and paternalistic for white feminist theorists to tell [a black woman] that she oughtn't do race play."</p><p><img alt="" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7275/7735344254_8222b4ec5d_n.jpg" style="width: 251px; height: 320px; margin: 8px 5px; float: right;">Yet critics had plenty to say about Ciara's apparent submission to Justin Timberlake in the video for <a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ciara_March_2007.jpg" target="_blank"><em>Love Sex Magic</em></a>, even though as Andrea Plaid <a href="http://%20%20http://www.racialicious.com/2009/04/03/your-sex-acts-and-partners-arent-uplifting-the-race/" target="_blank">points out</a>, "Ciara and Timberlake negotiated—again, the core BDSM idea of consent–that particular part of the video. He's also not standing as a proxy for all white men and their enslaving fantasies [any] more than she is a stand-in for all Black women wanting to be on a leash." Plaid also reminds us that to assume the submissive is powerless is to fundamentally misunderstand the power dynamics of BDSM. It may be troubling for us to see Ciara reenacting an image that is still too familiar in everyday life—a white man asserting his power over a black woman—however, there is a difference between sexualizing racialized behavior and directly replicating hatred and inequality, and to assume that actors and audiences cannot see this is condescending to say the least. Assuming that Ciara must also be the "bottom" off-camera is patronizing. It's also inaccurate in this case: It was she, not Timberlake, who came up with the idea for the video.</p><p>When we see famous women of color playing with sexual power dynamics, the tendency is to assume this must be reflective of what they do in their personal lives (see <a href="/post/thinking-kink-bdsm-abuse-rihanna-lisbeth-salander-feminist-magazine-sexuality" target="_blank">this previous post on Rihanna</a>), and isn't that problematic?&nbsp;<a href="http://www.mollena.com/" target="_blank">Mollena Williams</a>, BDSM educator and one of few black submissives who speaks openly about her participation in race play, is tired of having history thrown in her face—"I show my respect [for my ancestors] by living fearlessly. I firmly believe the people who fought and died for our freedom weren't sitting on the front lines worrying about how that freedom would be used."</p><p><img alt="" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8426/7735162152_631e47d8fc_n.jpg" style="width: 317px; height: 320px; margin: 8px 5px; float: left;">There have been some fantastic ripostes to the demand that black women censor their behavior just because it might make other people uncomfortable. Fierce and angular Grace Jones was keeping it black, kinky, and androgynous in videos such as "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTm9gDwwMZk&amp;feature=related" target="_blank">Slave To The Rhythm</a>" in the years when black people were rarely seen on MTV—and who can beat "Warm Leatherette" for best kinky song title? Unlikely BDSM spokeswoman Joan Armatrading merrily sang a tribute to erotic violence in "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc_WJFp6fRs" target="_blank">I Love It When You Call Me Names</a>", crooning "I know you're gonna slap my face/ And beat me up over and over again." As we scramble to decipher whether Armatrading is&nbsp; glorifying the physical abuse of black women, a quick listen to the lyrics tells us that she is actually describing a BDSM relationship from the outside, and taking on its different roles during the song ("He loves it when she beats his brains out...It's their way of loving not mine.")</p><p>Armatrading's role-playing tribute is a perfect example of how art is often not real life, or even close. It's also a necessary reminder of how we need to accept that black women—singers, artists, or BDSM performers—are as capable of getting into boundary-pushing roles and then leaving them behind afterwards as anyone else. Recognizing precisely that "it's their way of loving not mine" also reminds us that for some, the thrill of the taboo and delving into what we find scary can be the biggest turn-on of all. Mollena Williams writes that "daring to stare into the face of racism, classism and sexism and discover why they tripped my erotic triggers"* left her more fulfilled as a person, as well as a sexual being. And therein lies the appeal of BDSM that pushes boundaries, race included—it <a href="http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dR7bTc1aXbcC&amp;pg=PA152&amp;lpg=PA152&amp;dq=to+play+with+real,+structural+inequalities+in+safe+and+pleasurable+ways&amp;source=bl&amp;ots=9AF9P0i4tz&amp;sig=8gR7ZYALwt5Zsme4N3Q1HgQwRkQ&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=S0QhUM7JL4Oe0QW854CIDQ&amp;ved=0CDQQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=to%20play%20with%20real%2C%20structural%20inequalities%20in%20safe%20and%20pleasurable%20ways&amp;f=false" target="_blank">allows us</a> "to play with real, structural inequalities in safe and pleasurable ways: in ways that make such play <em>play</em>."</p><p><em>*This extract from Tristan Taormino's excellent book </em><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-Tristan-Taormino/dp/157344779X" target="_blank">The Ultimate Guide to Kink</a><em>. Mollena is also co-author of forthcoming BDSM guide </em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Playing-Well-Others-Discovering-Communities/dp/0937609587/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344372397&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=playing+well+with+others+mollena+williams" target="_blank">Playing Well With Others</a><em>.</em></p><p><strong>Previously:</strong> <a href="/post/thinking-kink-bdsm-and-playing-with-race-sex-sexuality" target="_blank">Playing With Race in BDSM</a>, <a href="/post/thinking-kink-gay-sm-in-the-media-then-and-now-feminist-magazine-queer-bdsm-sexuality-pop-culture" target="_blank">Gay S&amp;M in Pop Music, Then and Now</a></p><p><em>Top image from Wikimedia Commons user <a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ciara_March_2007.jpg" title="File:Liv Tyler Ciara Malgosia Bela.jpg">Liv_Tyler_Ciara_Malgosia_Bela</a>.&nbsp;</em><em>Bottom image from Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ocad123/" target="_blank">ocad123</a>.</em></p>http://bitchmagazine.org/post/thinking-kink-the-right-to-play-with-race-feminist-magazine-bdsm-sex#commentsBDSMCiaraClarisse ThornGrace JonesJoan ArmatradingJustin TimberlakeMollena WilliamsRace PlayracismrihannaSex and SexualityWed, 08 Aug 2012 20:38:54 +0000Catherine Scott18259 at http://bitchmagazine.orgThinking Kink: Is Vanilla Sex Boring? Who Gets to Decide?http://bitchmagazine.org/post/thinking-kink-vanilla-sex-bdsm-feminist-magazine-sexuality
<p><em>"Those of us who have different ... notions of eroticism and sensuality are simply dismissed. The pejorative word [being] 'vanilla,' which is ironically, one of the most sensual aromas." – Andrea Dworkin.</em></p><p><em>"I wish [BDSM folks] would stop referring to me as 'vanilla.' If you're making the case that everyone should be free to do what they like without being judged, why call non-BDSM people a derogatory name that implies they're all prudish bores?" – Anonymous, commenter on Bitch.</em></p><p>If we bemoan the oversexualization of culture, should we also be concerned about the kinkification of culture? As BDSM blogger Clarisse Thorn <a href="http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/05/27/im-not-your-sex-crazy-nympho-dreamgirl/" target="_blank">writes</a>, "Being a sex-positive feminist, I worry that other women will read my work and it will increase their performance anxiety ... that it will lead other women to feel like, 'gosh, is this something liberated sex-positive women do? Is this something I <em>should</em> be doing?". Thanks to a prescriptive media, the competition to be having the most out-there, kinky, freaky, dirty sex keeps escalating, with "Ultimate Perv" engraved on the winner's medal. Fantastic if you're antsy to compete, but what if you're just not into all that stuff? What if you think you secretly might be...[whisper it, now!]...vanilla?</p><p>One of the reasons I didn't dare join a fetish community website, or go to a play party, 'til years after I was first curious about BDSM, was a subconscious sense that I was probably "too vanilla." I didn't dress head-to-toe in latex or own any seven-inch heels, and I didn't take my partner down to the local shops on a dog leash. I've since realized that the scene is open to anyone who feels their sexual tastes land outside the mainstream—there's no test you have to pass. However, by labelling every non-kinky person as effectively the same, is the BDSM community just as judgmental as those who judge us?</p><p>The term "vanilla" does seem to be a byword for "sexually pedestrian," and even the mainstream media has got in on the act. In the <em>Friends</em> episode "<a href="http://www.cucirca.com/2011/01/04/friends-season-7-episode-20-the-one-with-rachels-big-kiss/" target="_self">The One With Rachel's Big Kiss</a>," Phoebe refuses to believe that Rachel kissed a girl during college, saying "It just seems pretty wild, and you're so vanilla"—an accusation Rachel receives with indignation, spluttering,"I am NOT vanilla! I've done lots of crazy things!". Being sexually unadventurous is now apparently the most grievous character flaws a person (especially a woman) can be accused of. In the British cult comedy <em>Peep Show</em>, when an unenthusiastic <a href="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1634235500795325420" target="_blank">Jez reveals his fantasy of a threesome</a> to his girlfriend and then worriedly asks, "Is that too much?," she laughs "Are you kidding? That's vanilla!". In this world saturated with faux-lesbian action and pressure to have buttsex, one sometimes longs for the days when showing a little ankle made you the strumpet from hell...</p><p>But laying the blame entirely at the feet of BDSM folks is overly simplistic. Although "vanilla" may have its origins within the community, plenty of non-kinksters have adapted it for their own use. Vanilla was a term intended to simply differentiate between sexual preferences, but it was not necessarily meant to put down or diminish the value of non-kinky lifestyles. Yes, there are kinksters who use it sneeringly, but I think most kinky folk have experienced enough disapproval to refrain from subjecting other sexual cultures to the same marginalization. I also think if vanilla has become a term of abuse, the blame more likely lies with those who profit from people's insecurity that their sex life is not sufficiently exotic. Anyone who's flipped through a women's magazine demanding that you perform "10 Tricks To Drive Him Wild!" or a sex manual that just makes you feel inadequate and unsexy knows who those profiteers are.</p><p>What those trying to aggressively market an ever more "exotic sex life" fail to realize is that sexual preferences aren't shaped by artifice. Buying a leather slapper won't suddenly give you a penchant for spanking—and let's face it, if you were really into the idea in the first place, you probably would have gone DIY and just picked up a hairbrush long before now. Making people feel shitty about their vanilla-ness is mainly a capitalist calculation. As any marketing exec knows, the moment people become satisfied is the moment they stop buying stuff.</p><p>As <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0086QIBEC/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=clarthor-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=B0086QIBEC" target="_blank">Clarisse Thorn</a> concludes, it's important "to stay aware of pressures on everyone, and to help people create space for boundaries as well as sexual exploration." The right to say, "No thanks, that's not for me" without being shamed is crucial, whatever your orientation. And those who set and respect sexual boundaries—kinky or non—will always be the folks who who emit "the most sensual aroma" to me.</p><p><strong>Previously: </strong><a href="/post/thinking-kink-secretary-feminist-magazine-film-sex-bdsm-kink-movies">Secretary and the Female Submissive</a>; <a href="/post/thinking-kink-female-submissive-pop-culture-sub-dom-feminist-magazine-sexuality">No, Female Submission Doesn't Mean Oppression</a></p>http://bitchmagazine.org/post/thinking-kink-vanilla-sex-bdsm-feminist-magazine-sexuality#commentsAndrea DworkinBDSMClarisse ThornFriendsPeep ShowVanillaSex and SexualityMon, 16 Jul 2012 17:35:59 +0000Catherine Scott17851 at http://bitchmagazine.org