Thursday, September 20, 2007

Tuesday Squirmen On Thursday

"Big-time negotiators, false healers and woman hatersMasters of the bluff and masters of the propositionBut the enemy I see wears a cloak of decencyAll non-believers and men stealers talking in the name of religionAnd there's slow, there's slow train coming up around the bend."

So some of you might be wondering, Gospel Bob, why do you refer to that supreme-ephemeral-creme-filled-universal-goodness as Lard? Well I'm glad you asked. Now I cannot deny that the auditory similarity to a Southern pronunciation of Lord has a lot of appeal. But my reasons do not stop there. Nay.

First a digression. You see, I have a very fundamental problem with the Christian model. I like the symbols and the strange stories. And I really like the whole Jesus, turn the other cheek thingy. But what is the deal with only having a male god? This doesn't make any kind of sense at all. When is the last time you saw a man make a baby by himself? Even the Christian story used a womb. So where is the woman god? Or, at the very least, an androgynous god? Where is the cosmic nooky? A sexless cosmos? Boo.

I simply cannot fathom why we would give the "essence of everything" a dick. This goes way beyond the Mona Lisa's moustache. I love dada as much as anybody, but come on! So the gender specific term "Lord" is no good. Why is Lard better? Well, I'll tell you.

At its heart, Lard still represents sacrifice. This is not simply a synthetic and delightful water based lube for your frolicking pleasure. Nay. This is animal grease. Like the Christian lamb whose blood brought salvation, the pig laid down its life for our lubrication and tasty beans.

Further, Lard has no gender. Lard is not human. Lard is beyond us and comes from the natural world at the same time. It symbolizes something more than we can fathom. It eases us on the path of the ineffable. Without a dick. A dickless symbol.

Lard is not the end point, it is the slippery path!

Plus I really just like the play on words I mentioned before.

So you see, I mean no disrespect when I praise the Lard. Nay nay nay! I heart the ineffable. I want the Lard to get me there. And I really like bacon.