Monthly Archives: April 2013

I went to Dinah Vegas this past weekend. It’s the Vegas version of the more traditional Dinah Shore Weekend in Palm Springs (which I I wrote about a few weeks ago), but this one is sponsored by L.A.’s Girl Bar. It’s another lesbian spring break. Ironically, I am no longer young enough to act like a spring breaker, but I never did spring break when I was young enough, so why not go and have some fun?

I tend to overpack, always. Overpacking may be something that some people normally attribute to our fairer femmes, but I’d bet that plenty of butches overpack. Our hair products alone could fill one carry-on. Let me give you a quick and dirty list of my essentials…

I don’t like sushi. There, I said it. I love veggie rolls, and anything that is cooked, but not raw fish. It’s a problem. For real. And something I will either have to hide while in Japan or be prepared to deal with.

My Japanese colleagues will want to take me to excellent sushi. After all, what do most Americans want to experience in Japan? Sushi. So, I will go and eat sushi and I will drink lots of sake and it will be fine. I also cannot stand shellfish. Any kind of shellfish. Lobster, crab, scallops, mussels, abalone, clams, oysters – disgusting. The lot of them. Again, I realize that this makes me a bit of a freak. Whenever I am at a high-end event and all of my friends and colleagues are freaking out about the “amazing crab legs” or the “ridiculous oyster bar” I just shake my head. It’s really a texture thing for me. The flavor is ok really, but I can’t stomach the texture of these sea creatures.

On top of that, they are sea creatures, very small animals. When served, they frequently are still the whole animal. I have trouble eating a life. A piece of pork under cellophane in the market, or a lovely piece of steak on my plate, totally distanced from its source, is one thing. And both pigs and cows are indeed delicious. But a lobster, in tact, sitting on my plate? No, it’s too much for me. A friend said it really well recently. She is a marine biologist and she shares my distaste for all of these sea creatures, which she explains are her friends. How can she eat her friends? I note that she is a very attractive femme, and I would try anything she asked me to, so it’s a good thing she doesn’t care for shellfish. To my friends reading this, if you didn’t know that about me, take note. It can easily be a new sport for you – a form of hazing Butch.

And, before you say, “Butch, you need to try it,” let me assure you that I have. My ex wife is a lobster freak (I assume this is still the case), and my ex GF loved all manner of sushi and shellfish. Each of them at various points in our relationships encouraged me to try all of these items over and over again in case my tastes had changed. And, of course, I always try things that I am asked to try. Each time, I would say, “Of course, honey” and try what I was offered. My tastes had not changed, much to their chagrin. Even last weekend at dinner with a bunch of friends at an amazing place, a friend was over the moon with her scallops – my least favorite of all shellfish – and she asked me to try them. She’s a pretty femme, and well, what can I say? Of course I did as she asked and tried a bite – washing it down with the Chimay I was drinking as politely as I could. Blech.

So, I am an American business woman in Japan (sounds like a tag line for a show) and a lesbian at that. And, I don’t like sushi. I refuse to make that joke – you know the one – because I think it’s gross and very, very far from the truth, but I’d be a fool if I didn’t acknowledge that at least some of you are thinkng it. For shame.

Dear Japanese people and sushi fans the world over: I am sorry.

Dear PETA and fish friends: you are welcome.

Well, what can I say? It’s butch (or at least good business) to eat things you don’t want to in order to not offend your hosts? Ok. Be Butch.

I realize that this is not new, but it’s new to her and our household. She announced the other day that all the boys in her 4th grade class were saying it. I remember a gorgeous femme explaining it to me a little while back. What can I say? I am not very hip.

This Mallard does it Like a Boss

Here are a few of the images I found that represent the expression which is meant to be a clever way of explaining that you are doing something with authority.

Beaker does it Like a Boss

Anyway, this past weekend, everything we did, we were doing it “Like a Boss.” It was fun. Then my son added a lovely new twist.

“Mom, you should say ‘Like a Butch’ instead.” First of all, please remember that he is 6. Second of all, how cute is that? And third, how wonderfully accepted did that make me feel? Happy sigh. So, now in our house, we use both expressions. I favor Like a Butch, of course. There are gestures that go with each, as well.

Like a Boss seems to be accompanied by the double pistol hands – formerly considered lame and dated (like from the 70s). But now, hip and cool…at least with the 4th grade set. Like a Butch, however, according to my son, should be accompanied with a bicep curl. So, that’s rad.

Purely for fun, I’d like to do a series of lists of the “butchest” whatever. Movies, bands, tv shows, books, paintings, cars, sports, tools, beers, etc. This is super scientific, of course, and if you don’t like the things on these lists, then you aren’t butch. For example, if you don’t particularly like Jaws, and you adore musicals (cough), then you can’t be butch.
I mean – we know that’s lame right? So let’s have some fun. My favorite movie is Moulin Rouge, by the way, so I don’t know that I speak for the butch community, but while I have the mic…

1. The Godfather – Clearly this is the butchest movie of all time. Right? You are either part of the family (butch-femme) or not. Go to the mattresses. Horse head in the bed? Really? I note that it’s not on my list of favorites, but I’m pretty sure it tops the butchest list.

2. Terminator – Every butch reading this must admit Arnold was the quintessential badass in that movie. How about walking down the hallway and pulling that shotgun out of the box of roses and the crushing them under those rad biker boots we all own or wish we did? And let’s not even talk about Linda Hamilton’s arms and shoulders in the second one. Want!

3. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective – This is one of the best comedies of all time. You can disagree with me, that’s cool. I’ll be over here watching the funniest actor ever doing crazy stuff, rescuing animals, and oh yeah…sleeping with Courtney Cox. And, you’ll have to forgive me while I recite every line. Loser.

4. Batman – Any of them. A billionaire playboy vigilante with the absolutely coolest toys of all time? Body armor with nipples? Everything is all black? When he’s not in his body armor, its almost always a gorgeous tux and bow tie. Yes please. Plus, there’s always gobs of super models around him. I so want to be Batman, even if it means getting chased by Heath Ledger’s Joker (much scarier than Jack’s).

5. High Noon – For my dad. I dare you to prove me wrong. Cowboys, honor, dirt, gangs of ruffians. Me and my dad will be ready for you over at the OK Corral. Come say it to our faces.

6. Bad Boys – You know you are singing the theme song right now. Cops, Miami, chase scenes, explosions. Still not convinced? Two words: Tia Leoni. Drop the mic.

7. Jaws – Now, I know you are all, “Butch, don’t be a size queen, we don’t need a bigger boat.” Yes, yes we do. We always need a bigger boat! Good rule of thumb, your boat should be at least twice the size of whatever you are hunting – or whatever is hunting you. Same thing for Orca. And how many times have you compared scars with another butch – preferably when your girl is present?

8. Alien – Sigourney Weaver in a muscle tank beating the crap out of the mama alien in that industrial robot contraption. How about when they are face to nasty-scary-double-jaw? Come on! Plus, she is all dirty and messed up. Honorable mention here to Helen Hunt in Twister for the same dirty t-shirt situation (plus hers is wet). Sigh.

9. Silence of the Lambs – How ridiculous is our girl Jodie Foster in this movie? Get it! I can barely watch this movie, it’s so scary. I yell at the TV, don’t go in the house, Jodie! Wait for SWAT! She’s too butch to listen.

Special Note for All Scary Movies: Do not forget the protection factor. This is the scientific formula whereby your girl will squish more and more into you the scarier or weirder the movie gets. I don’t like scary movies, but the squishing, accompanied by my arm draped around her and a comforting squeeze (“I’ve got you, baby”) can make it worth it. Am I right? She doesn’t have to know I’m closing my eyes.

11. Fight Club – First rule of Fight Club, it’s super butch. I haven’t seen it (gasp), so I’ll take my butches’ word for it.

12. GI Jane – Femmes playing butch are super hot. Has there ever been a better example of this than Demi in cammos, with a shaved head, getting ripped and kicking ass? I think not.

13. Set It Off – Queen Latifah plays a lesbian. Apparently, there’s a good sex scene. Haven’t seen this. Yet. Or if I have (vaguely recall it), then I guess I disagree.

14. Steel Magnolias – what can I say? Butches are complicated and multi-layered. I don’t agree, but several butch bros were all about this one. It’s a great movie and I know a lot of lines, but I say chick flick.

15. Bound – Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly. Swoon. Both of them are crazy hot, but together? In a mafia type drama? Come on!

Anything missing? It’s butch to participate in silly, arbitrary lists of things that are the “butchest” and to use the word “silly.” Be Butch.

I am very excited to share that the Huffington Post Gay Voices is carrying my second piece. The first one that they carried was my piece on the TSA and it kind of changed my life as far as visibility and legitimacy. I was afraid that I would only get that one shot. Especially because most of my stuff is fun and fluffy, rather than serious like that painful piece.

Thankfully, I was wrong and they have a fun piece up today. Hooray! Would you please head over there and check it out?

We all know about pet names. You and your girl call each other all sorts of adorable things. But what do you call your friends? Your butch friends. Here’s a couple I see used frequently, but I’m not sure how cool they all are. There’s really only 2 or 3 I use here. I hope y’all will add some more.

1. Bud – This one never feels right for me. Maybe it’s too Fast Times at Ridgemont High for me. I realize this dates me, but I think that’s my point. It’s a bit old.

2. Buddy – Maybe for a friend who’s still in primary school. Otherwise, I say only if you’re drinking, like when you are helping each other out of the strip club “I love you, Buddy! Help me find my hotel.”

3. Brah – If you accompany it with the hang loose sign and you aren’t carrying a surfboard, you might be a tool. Otherwise, can be a good one.

4. Bro – Yes and no, right? Is that butch really your bro? Tread lightly. I use this with my bromance and it works (but he’s a dude, see below).

5. Dude – Widely acceptable. Danger of sounding like a college kid. Also, don’t you dare call a femme this.

6. Friend – safe, familiar. Seems more popular with people from the Midwest.

7. Man – Obviously.

8. Pal – Fine if you are in your sixties. Hey pal, want to watch the Golden Girls with me?

Like this:

Hey.

I see the world in a particular way. This blog is about how I see the world, both the good stuff (like beer) and the bad stuff (like idiots), but hopefully always funny. Leave a comment or drop me an email if you want me to hear how you see the world.

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