My husband is about as fair-minded as they come. He’s an involved, caring parent who’s always available to help me care for our second-grade daughter. When I need help, all I have to do is ask.

And that’s the problem. When I need help, I have to ask. In other words, when it comes to our dual domestic engine, I’m the driver, he’s the passenger. He’s happy to go grocery shopping/ sift through options for Violet’s after school activities/ call to get an appointment for Violet’s shots. But if I want to do that, I’m going to have to give him a list to buy/collect and hand him the paperwork for the after school classes/find our immunization record and give him the doctor’s name and number.

In other words, I am the family’s CEO. I make the plans and stress over the details. Phil sits and waits to be called into duty.

And we’re hardly unusual. Indeed, as Sarah Welch unwittingly illustrated with yesterday’s post, 8 secrets to a smooth back to work transition, in the vast majority of hetero families, mom does most of the work. She is the warlord, Dad is the spear-carrier.

Dad may pat himself on the back for occasionally making dinner, but the groceries to make that dinner were probably bought by his wife, who likely also made the dinner menu. Dad may do the dishes, but only Mom does the dishes, wipes down the counters, sweeps the floor, packs the leftovers away for school lunch tomorrow, and notes on the kitchen whiteboard that the family’s all out of ketchup.

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34 Responses to Mom is the (bitter, resentful) CEO of the house

ISAsays:

October 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

So true. My husband always tells me I just need to ask for help. Why should I have to ask? He’s a parent too. He lives here too! Why can’t he notice that the kids are dirty and need a bath and that the trash can is full? Don’t even get me started on appointments and when the bills are due!

Lizsays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Hmm….Funny you should post on this because it’s the exact issue that’s been driving me to the madhouse lately.

Joyce, I wonder what the solution is here? This “Mom CEO” business is utterly depressing and every bit as oppressive as the days of yore.

We won the right to go out into the workforce…only to find that we are STILL expected to do EVERYTHING at home. I call BS.

Christinesays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I was just thinking to myself this morning that I feel like I am always the pilot and my DH gets to be the freaking co-pilot while I push our family forward everyday. I guess I’m not the only one. Thank you!

Paigesays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

True at my house as well! If he does one thing, he thinks he has done his share.

Danny's Mommasays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm

THANK YOU. Sure, I can ask him to do laundry. But if I want him to actually take that laundry out of the dryer when it’s done and fold it and put it away, I have to list all the steps. And then I feel like I’m asking too much.

If I ask him to cook dinner I need to get out all the ingredients and put them in his line of vision or we “don’t have any”. I have to get out all the pots and pans that will be required because if I don’t I will hear grumbling: “Wheres the (*^%%& pan?? Who put this away HERE?” (Why I did dear, obviously, since I’m the only one who does the dishes. I’m sorry you had to look in more than one spot.)

In the end, it’s just easier to do it myself.

Trisha_Ksays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Oh, those lists are so true…

bluesays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:27 pm

My daughter is almost two and it amazes me how my husband still can’t remember to clean her high chair after dinner, or what meals he could make her for lunch, or that her diaper needs changing first thing in the morning!

KateWsays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:33 pm

OK, and how about that you need to praise your husband to high heavens when he does grocery shop with list you have collated, coupons you have clipped and really lay the praise on thick when he does the laundry. Why am I thanking him for taking care of his own clothing???!!?? This is very frustrating to me esp as he has been out of work almost 4 years and still doesn’t know how to run the household. If I don’t think it and communicate it to him, it doesn’t happen!! And my MIL claims I’m a control freak…whatever! I just want a wife I think!!

Emmasays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Lol, this is the same in our household as well. I am waiting for the first poster to state that “well, ya’ll should have married better(ie. a man or woman who will “do” what needs to be done without prompting, bribing, cussing, or threats of any kind)” or “your husband can’t read your mind you have to ask” but I agree with the pp’s. Why should we have to ask, are they blind? Can they not see the things that need to be done and do them, especially (b/c this it what aggravates the fire out of me)when they trip over a toy, pile of laundry, can’t find anything in the fridge/cabinet to eat…then its “WE need to clean this house up/wash clothes/go grocery shopping” but what literally translates into why haven’t YOU done it already? I work a full 40 hour a week job outside the home but am still expected to pack lunches, make dinner(and decide what we will have) go to the store(try to limit this to every two weeks) to buy what we need, take care of the nightly routine for our 18 month old daughter including dinner/playtime/bath/bed, and if she wakes in the middle of the night I am the one that gets up with her. My husbands excuse is that I’m the one she wants anyway, but I try to tell him if he would get up with her then over time she wouldn’t have a preference one way or the other. ::sigh:: maybe when we’re colonizing the outer planets this may change but I doubt it:)

BrandyHsays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I take care of everything on that list and I must admit I feel resentful some days. When he wants to go to bed, he goes to bed. When I want to go to bed, I go to bed….. after I have made dinner, cleaned kitchen, swept the floor, made lunches for the next day, etc. UGH!

Danasays:

October 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Too true. My hubby has taken more responsibility this year since I went back to work full time and he works from home. Until this article I had deluded myself that we were 50/50 in regards to kids/home responsibilities but I had forgotten all the behind-the-scene activities I do that you have mentioned. Things like clothes/sheets get washed but only if I take them to the washing machine and put the first load on which he then takes care of the rest. Some things like making dinner and grocery shopping he has taken on as I physically can’t do it at a suitable time but I have to contend with the kids getting meals that are nutritious but quite boring and that do not introduce them to new tastes which is what I did when I worked less. In fact yesterday I was talking to my hubby about how I am having trouble keeping everything running at home as my job is very mentally demanding requiring me to be on-the-ball the whole time I am there. His response, half joking, was what do you need to at home? I think I need to show him your list.

Ksays:

October 16, 2012 at 1:09 pm

This is exactly how it is in my house, and I hate it. When I recently returned from a work trip, my childrens’ nails looked like CLAWS !!!! Come on ! DH, can’t you even trim their nails when I am gone !?!?

Rachaelsays:

October 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Wow, this is all so true!

Bethsays:

October 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I think most women sabotage themselves and train their husbands to be helpful passengers instead of copilots by being control freaks. The single best piece of advice I got as a new mother was don’t help your husband. Make him figure it out for himself and if he finds something that works, even if it’s different than how you would do it, don’t interfere.

If it’s not going to result in death or serious bodily harm, let it go. If you’re going to insist that there is a right and wrong way to fold towels, you will be the only person who ever folds them.

Drew & Era's Momsays:

October 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

AMEN!!!! How is it that a man who can manage employees, run a department, and maintain all pertinent details at work is CLUELESS at home??? Why do I have to ask? Why do I have to pile on the praise? I am 100% sure I have never heard “gee honey the toilet is sparkling, you did such a fantastic job” yet I clean the stupid thing regularly…just sayin…oh and no one has to tell me/ask me to clean it. With my amazing powers of observation and brilliant executive function I not only notice the dirty bathroom, I take action on the assumption that no fairy godmother is going to wave her magic wand so that all the cleaning supplies leap to life and do the job for me…ditto on the birds and mice…

Lisasays:

October 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

well I can tell you my husband actually does do the dishes and the laundry and puts it away. We have an agreement that I do the cooking, he does the cleaning. However, I do have to meal plan everyday and work my full time job, drop off and pick up the kids every day, get home and cook (he can’t cook or really follow a recipe well), and oversee and check homework. I also have to remember all the appointments for the family and even schedule his appointments. Yes I have to do all the paperwork needed. I also have to pay all the bills. I can guarantee that even though my husband cleans or puts away the dishes, he will never actually remember where they go, or where they went when I am looking for them later.

Robynsays:

October 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

After looking over this list, I think I probably handle the slight majority of these tasks, but my husband and I are definitely equal partners. I may be the official CEO inside the house, but he does his share, especially considering he does almost all the outside work of mowing, snow removal, gardening, etc. He also takes the lead on canning & freezing stuff out of the garden. We generally just try to do the stuff that we hate the least or that we want done a certain way. I’d rather clean the bathroom than mow the yard or shovel the sidewalk, most days, although I’m sure not everyone feels that way! For the day to day tasks, we split it up pretty evenly, taking turns cooking, cleaning up the kitchen, bathing kids, and getting up at night with them. Oh, and he trims both of our daughters, ages 2.5 and 5 months, fingernails. Every time. I can’t do it.

Dianasays:

October 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I learned my lesson on this the hard way. My husband is wonderful at doing all the cleaning up without asking and the laundry. I no longer have to list the steps….it sounds awful, but the wrinkled laundry that was left on top of the laundry? I left it there (after folding mine). The dirty high-chair tray? I moved it to his ‘place’ at the table, then pulled the baby up to the table at a clean spot.

I am a firm believer though, in the ‘if you ask him to do it, when he does it HIS way–you can’t complain’. After all, you asked. IF you want it done your way, you do it.

That being said, about 2 years ago, we moved in with his parents, who are in their 70s. ALL the bad habits are back–basically because his father rules the roost.

Mollysays:

October 16, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Emma, I could totally have written your comment! That’s exactly how it is in our household and it’s frustrating! Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an end or conclusion in site:-(

Juliussays:

October 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Well. I get angry too that I have to ask, but is remarkably liberating to ask and see the task get done. My husband does do a lot around the house. It just bothers me that he acts like he has dones something remarkable. Then, if he cleans the kitchen. He expects it to stay completely spotless until he messes it up again. I have actually had him criticize me for the state of the kitchen while I was in the middle of making lunches. Hello?? work in progress here.

we have actually had a fight about it. he rattles of what he does and claims I don’t appreciate it. I brought up what I do and he actually said I shouldn’t have to . . .for what I do. It made me mad. We both work, and except for my travel schedule (which I can’t help much), we put his career above mine on kids appointments, etc. Despite the fact I make more than he does. Of course he is closing in on me fast!!

Men!! Can’t believe I am raising one of them.

Kaylasays:

October 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I was fully prepared to disagree with your post, but after going through the slideshow, I definitely do the majority of the household/kid chores, and I very often have to point out something that needs to be done. That said, my husband is amazing and, in general, he is very willing to help, and will sometimes do things without being asked. I think it’s a little different with us, though, because I’m a SAHM. It definitely feels like I should be doing more of the household chores to even out what he’s doing to provide us the house we get so messy. It’s a balancing act every day- if he’s worked an extra long day (outside the office, and includes lots of travel, which happens quite often), I let him relax, knowing I spent an hour or more on FB and taking a nap during naptime. Other days, like yesterday, he was in the office with fairly easy work, so he came home and cleaned the kitchen for me- without me asking! I like to think we keep things pretty even.

bashysarahsays:

October 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I just got a text from my hubby informing me that my dentist appointment is tomorrow morning, his is in a few days, and the girls both go on the 1st. Yes, I did look up the numbers for the dentists in our area and provide him with the insurance card, since its through my employer. He has been the stay at home dad for almost three years now, and we are just starting to get to a point where I’m not constantly grumbling about how much I’m doing when I am home because he hasn’t noticed it needed to be done or done it. I’ve had to give him a lot of leeway, though, as he has had four surgeries of varying degree of seriousness, plus regular pain management appointments and prescriptions. I learned the hard way to never criticize HOW he does something once he’s actually made the move to do it, and do still have to ask for specific tasks to be done, but he’s at least getting healthy enough to really be able to contribute meaninfully now. And I’ve learned to ‘hide’ my actions if I do need to go redo something. We do have different standards as to how things should be done, and I have been doing the lion’s share of the work for quite a while, but we’re getting closer to 50/50 these days. We really do just see different ‘details’ in life, I think, and have really had to work on talking about what needs to be done around the house instead of grumbling and cussing at each other over stuff neither of us wants to do.

Nesslmattsays:

October 16, 2012 at 5:14 pm

OMG, it sounds like someone was spying on my family tonight. I just had a discussion with my husband about doing the dishes and actually put “ketchup” on the chalkboard!!

BlondieeAggieesays:

October 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

My husband is amazing. He does all his laundry, the household laundry, and the baby’s laundry. He does all the cleaning. Takes care of the yard. Splits the childcare 50-50. Cooks. I hit the jackpot.

Ellensays:

October 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

My daughter is now 20 months old, and for the first couple of months I stayed home so I was the home CEO. After I started back (I’m an Accounting Professor), my husband quit his job (which was a good job, but we didn’t want to have daycare be a necessity, and I make enough to support the whole family). That was a little over a year ago, and my husband has gradually become the CEO of our house.

This was NOT due to any laziness or carelessness on his part; rather, this was the amount of time it took ME to let go. I enjoy being in control (college professor is thus a good career for me), and I had a hard time letting go at home. Therapy helped me fully embrace my role as bread-winner, and I was able to let go of the need to be “super-mom”.

Now, my husband does most of those tasks. He cleans, shops, cooks, takes care of our daughter, etc. without being asked. We still talk about it and discuss what needs to be done, but he runs the household. While holding down my faculty position I’m also finishing my dissertation, so if he wasn’t doing all that I might have gone insane. Long story short, we are atypical and don’t fit the norms described in this article.

Funny. As I reflected on this more today, I actually think CEO is the wrong word for the role we’re playing.

Why? Because good CEOs don’t DO. They set the direction & tone and then step out of the way so that others can do. They don’t micromanage. But they do hold people accountable. They cheer on the troops. They reinforce values.

In fact, CEOs who do all the sh** work fail.

So maybe we SHOULD start to be CEOs. What would happen if we asked, what kind of family life do we want well BEFORE bambino arrived? What if we wrote that down in a family vision statement, as cheesy as that might be? What if we asked them to take on and own certain responsibilities (not barking orders after the fact, but before baby comes – actually have a strategic discussion about individual strengths/weaknesses and roles/responsibilities)? What if we let them figure things out on their own – just plain old expected them to deliver on their responsibilities?

It might just be refreshing for everybody.

Liasays:

October 17, 2012 at 12:25 am

This year my 3 years old started preschool. And it is hubby’s work to get him up, give him milk, dress him and drop him to school. Twice a week he has to take him from school too. I cook and prepare the school lunch, pick the daily clothes, make sure his school bag is ready, then I leave for work and they are on their own. No CEO there to give directions or help.
It has changed my husband’s perspective a lot… After a few hard first days, I can come back to an acceptable home and even a washed morning bottle. And suddenly my husband understands why I am sometimes so tired!

juliesays:

October 17, 2012 at 3:48 am

Yikes – I do EVERYTHING on that list!! I am not sure I could not do all those things though, I do like the control. I think I would fall over if DH said “oh by the way I scheduled the girls’ doctor appts for next week and picked up their Halloween costumes”.

Jennysays:

October 17, 2012 at 9:41 am

Great post, Joyce. When asked I’ve always said my husband and I split all household and childcare duties 50/50 – but on looking at your list it’s not so cut and dried! For example, he does all the cooking, and I do all the dishes; but I also do all the meal planning, grocery shopping, and make all the lunches. And — my pet peeve — I never get a night off. When he has to work late or if he goes out with friends, I take over cooking, and still do my cleanup; if I have to work late or if I go out, I come home to a pile of dirty dishes, dishwasher not filled, table not wiped, lunch bag not emptied or cleaned — and I have to start my second shift at 10pm instead of 7pm. Sadly, it almost makes going out with friends not worth the hassle.

robinsays:

October 17, 2012 at 9:53 am

You know what finally changed this dynamic in my family? My ex and I split up. Not that I’m advocating kicking these somewhat unwilling worker bee husbands to the curb, as my marriage didn’t break up over this issue, but it wasn’t until my ex ran his own household separately that he did any of the following: purchase clothing for the children, make a health appointment for them, pack a school lunch more than once or twice a school year, register either child for any sort of activity, attend a school event for a child without me present, purchase a birthday or holiday present for a child not his own (and he’d barely done it for his own), attend another child’s birthday party without me, and more I can’t think of fast enough. Things he still hasn’t done: made an appointment for a child to get a physical, recognized that a child was sick enough to need a trip to the doctor’s office that day, recognized that one of them needed new gym shoes or sandals and gone and purchased them, recognized that someone needed a haircut, or cut any child’s fingernails. Seriously, the man has never cut a single child fingernail. So I’m still the CEO of some activities, but far fewer than when we lived together.

Nicolesays:

October 17, 2012 at 9:58 am

We have spent a long part of the summer/fall arguing about this. But we have realized we *both* have an internal list of things in our head we think need to get done that both us don’t necessarily appreciate. To be honest, tt doesn’t dawn on me to put a load of clothes in the wash. Just like it doesn’t dawn on him to to hit Kohls in a particular weekend because coats are on sale and it’s going to be chilly and the kids have outgrown theirs and they need new ones. So instead of resenting each other for what the other “doesn’t know to do” we’ve started just asking for help. He asks me to help pack lunches at night where I normally would be on the computer checking teacher emails or soccer schedule. I let him know I’m drowning at work and I need him to schedule the kids dentists appointments and take them. We still fall in our traps, but honestly, it’s better.

Japasays:

October 17, 2012 at 10:04 am

I’m pretty blessed with a great father for my kids. He is very involved in their every day care, especially since I’m now overdue in my pregnancy and still working full-time. He works nights and I work days and we pass each other in our “shifts” at home. He works two jobs (1 part time/ 1 full time with mandatory OT). When I walk in the door at 5:30, our two oldest boys (7 and 6) are bathed, fed, and their homework is done. 19 month old daughter is sometimes fed, sometimes not. A lot of the time she likes to eat dinner with me. She and I will get in the shower together usually and I do the kids snacks, medicine, and bedtime routines and breakfast in the morning and start them on their getting ready for school activities. He does majority of the laundry as well and does a lot of the school activities so I don’t have to take time off from work. I usually do the doctor’s appts and the cooking and cleaning on the weekends.

Thanks for the shout-out, Joyce. You described this so well–the frustration of holding the psychic burden of the household.

One of the research stats I love to quote shows that men who do more housework get more sex from their female partners…Now imagine what would happen if they actually took more initiative with household planning. That would be hot!

Lindasays:

October 22, 2012 at 10:16 pm

I agree with Emma. Every time I look at the mess in tbe house my husband just walks around it but never picks anything up until I ask him. I realized after a while that he knows someone else will do it, i. e. ME. That’s why he doesn’t lift a finger to help until asked. He expects ME to do it. I have let weeks go by wondering if he’ll clean up voluntarily, but he doesn’t. He also claims he will wash the bathroom but months passed without it done. But of course I couldn’t stand it and have washed it many times during those months.

Fortunately when i do ask for help at least he is willing to do what i want. Seems men are of some use in the house after all.

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