Can You Live With Someone Who Never Says "I Love You"? Part 1

Can you imagine living for three years with a man who doesn't say "I love you"?

This question assumed more than an academic place in my life when I lived with a man who had a sort of hysterical inability to make this most obvious declaration of affection. I spent a long time thinking about the question.

Now I'd re-phrase the question this way: How do you talk yourself into living without what you want?

If you're like me, you convince yourself that he simply cannot say three short words, despite the fact that he inevitably has recourse to the first and second (and even uses the "L" word) in daily conversation. ("I'll be home for dinner, and I'd love to have lasagna"). You tell yourself that he is just not the kind of man to show affection openly; you tell yourself that words are cheap, throw-away things, that the real, genuine love between you is beyond language. You tell yourself that anyone from his: 1. under (or over)-privileged background; 2. distant( or smothering) family; 3. over (or under)-pressured work situation could never be expected to live up to the romantic fantasies you created during your ridiculous adolescence. You convince yourself that you are to blame for wanting such absurd declarations. You allow yourself to stay in a situation by avoiding confrontation with your own dissatisfaction.

Your "enabling fiction" will then permit you to live three years with a man who does not say I love you because you have convinced yourself that he cannot say I love rather than (as you do know somewhere inside you and all your friends know rather more definitely) that he will not say I love you.

It wasn't until I was in a different relationship a year later where I was the one "unable" to say the Three Magic Words that I finally understood: I couldn't say it because I didn't feel it. Bingo, the light-bulb appeared over my head like in a cartoon.

You might want to consider the possibility that the person who doesn't say "I love you" doesn't love you.

Once you get some perspective, what's impossible to face is often easy to see.

Enabling fictions tell us there are no good jobs (so why bother looking), no good apartments (ditto), no better men (so stick with the one you've got), no way to change anything because that's the way the world works (and always will). Enabling fictions tell you that he needs to take a holiday on his own because he is, after all, a man who needs solitude to create his: 1. art; 2. music; 3. critical theory; 4. financial game-plan; 5. pottery. Or get away from his office, practice, classroom. Not that he wants to get away from you. No, no, no. Anyone who suggests that simply doesn't understand the way your relationship works, doesn't understand that he will appreciate your relationship even more after he returns, will be more affectionate and receptive.

Does the same work with bouts of infidelity? The reason he thinks its all right to sleep with another woman is because he loves you so much--("Honey, I'm so secure in our relationship that I know it can withstand some silly little affair that means nothing, absolutely nothing, not compared to what you and I have made together. So, really, this shows how much I believe in us. I know that nobody can come between us, so don't let this get to you, okay? You're the only one for me. She doesn't count"). The complexity involved in creating this argument is worthy of the most subtle murder mystery. That man standing over the body with a gun? No, officer, he just happened to walk into the room after hunting polar bears and that's why the gun is smoking and nobody knows who the girl was anyway. We'll do anything to dance around the obvious.

But if actions are louder than words, why is it such a big deal to say them? You can fake the motivations behind what you do just as easily as what you say. You can kiss ass and ingratiate yourself with actions just as well as you can with words, and both can be equally false.

Any wonder that a species which still often relies on a daisy to decide the fate of their love life has only evolved far enough to create their own flimsy enabling fictions? Perhaps in seven thousand years we can begin to confront the fact that when it comes to THOSE three words, and those three words ONLY, people almost always say what they mean—and hardly ever feel what they can't say.

I disagree... my man can't say "I love you." He thinks it sounds too cheesy. It bothered me at the beginning and I worried that it was a reflection of his true feelings for me. But I now realise that actions do speak louder than words. I am not deluding myself with an enabling fiction - he does love me, even though he won't say so directly. It is evident from his consideration of me, from the way he listens to what I tell him and shows me that he has paid attention to my concerns. It is evident from the amount of trust I have in him and his integrity. This is a man who will never cheat on me, never put me down, never make me feel as though he is waiting for someone better to come along.

I almost didn't give this relationship a chance because he wouldn't tell me he loved me. Now I'm really glad that I had friends who told me to stick it out, because they could see what a good relationship it was and how good he was to me.

I had an ex who told me he loved me every day, and then didn't think twice about committing actions which hurt me deeply. The fact that someone can't tell you they love you might just be a personal thing - a shyness, a self-consciousness, a vulnerability. As my man said to me, "Just because I can't say it doesn't mean I don't feel it." And I know that he feels it. I can tell by the way he treats me every day.

Looking forward to Part 2. :) I think a lot of (mostly) women spend time telling themselves stories to justify the inadequacies of their relationship - this later becomes the "hindsight is 20/20" part of the equation. And often then becomes the "I should learn to trust my instincts" moment of clarity and (temporary) resolution. "Temporary" because learning to trust your instincts is a complicated attribute to master. Argh! Why is that?

If a signifcant other doesn't both show and tell their love, something is missing. Telling someone that you love them, which to me means you respect them, you admire them, you can't imagine your life without them, and you genuinely appreciate them isn't cheesy. If someone gives you that excuse you are settling for someone who really doesn't love you. I was with a man who was very loving in his actions, but never said it...and in the end we broke up, because he truly wasn't in love with me. If he had been, he would have said it. Period.

Now on the other hand, if someone just says it to say it, in order to stop an argument or smooth things over isn't sincere.

I have been in two other long term relationships. In fact, I was married for 16yrs and after 15.5yrs of verbal and physical abuse I couldn't take it anymore. I realized I "loved" him only because he was the father of my two kids. The "loving" things he did didn't make up for the rest. I was literally scared of him. After leaving him I was in a relationship with someone who I thought I loved. after being engaged for almost 3yrs he left because we were always fighting about love, respect and affection. I realized, I was in love with who he showed people, he had a nick name and that was the guy I thought I romantically loved, but when I got to know the real guy (without the nickname)I was disgusted.

So I agree just saying it to say it, in order to stop an argument is not only insincere but it also damages the words to a point.

However, I've been with a guy for 9.5 months and I am in love. I haven't ever felt this way. We don't fight to feel it. You know those moments where at home or when alone it's just ehh, but then when you go out or are around other people you are all over each other, smiling and everyone says things like, "the two of you are so in love", then again, once alone you don't even talk? Well that doesn't happen to us, whether alone or not we can't help be affectionate. We do things not to go out of way to do them, we do them because we want to. I call this a loving ritual to express how much you adore each other. It's daily and no we don't live together, but we're talking about it.

So my question is why can't he say the words. If you can look into someone's soul through their eyes or touch, why can't you say it? I haven't come to terms with the fact I haven't heard it. He'll say things like, "I love your smile, I love your freckles, I love when you..." but when I've said it, he just cuddles up. I've asked him, "do you love me, do you feel the same as I feel about you?" and he nods yes or even says yes. So why can't he say it? I'm not sure that I can move in with someone who hasn't said I love you at least once or can't say it.
If after all the things he does love, and does, why can't he say it?

The First step is to retrain your brain to work on an emotional level. Many of men are very successful problem solvers but poor emotional connectors. Their analytical minds work well professionally, but often undermine personal relationships. Second, you need to learn how to understand your wife and anticipate her needs.

These skills can be learned. Guys with successful marriages have learned them. You can too.

I am so confused on this topic. I have had two other serious relationships before this one and both my boyfriends said "I love You", especially before sleeping and/or leaving the house. Now I am with a man that I truly love and for the first time can actually see a life with beyond what I had ever experienced before. Unfortunately when i say "I love You" he tends to make a smart comment here or there, we have been dating for over a year and are living together and he has said "I love your" once! I am so confused cause he says he loves me and i should know that, that he doesn't feel the need to say it all the time, (but how about when i say it?) he says that he doesn't want it t become a ritual "I love you, I love you too". I know he loves me, but i am a women and i would like to hear it sometimes, or hear it back at least :(

I have an issue saying it because I feel , that once said, then ppl take the easy way out and feel they need to make less effort to show it and thats how relationships become comfortable and BORING, hear me ? that constant what if of not verbalizing 3 words that lock you into a concept that verbally means nothing really if the actions dont match.. im not 17 anymore.. I dont need to hear it. much rather give and receive that wich my being perceives as love than taking the cop out and short cut of saying it... yes, she has had multiple issues with it , but she is better off now because she has no doubts about it and I have yet to say it.. and our relationship is constantly energized as a result because we communicate it via other means ;) call me a cold caveman if you want, but a caress as you walk by means so so much more....

People can't read minds. So saying it is a way of assuring that I know what’s on your mind and in your heart. It's true that people can abuse the meaning, but that can happen with anything. I don't belive saying I love you allows me to put less effort into my relationship. We usually hear that excuse from someone avoiding marraige. “Once we get married everything will change. Let’s just enjoy what we have now.” I feel like that’s a copout for some deeper issue preventing a person from verbally expressing himself. Perhaps he’s been hurt so badly in the past that those 3 words have now become tainted.

I have also lived with someone for years without hearing those words. He eventually started saying it, but only after I began traveling out of town for work. During that same time he joked about the possibility that I was being unfaithful. So it led me to believe that he only said it to persuade me to behave while on the road.

What’s wrong with saying how you feel? Maybe I am emotionally charged, but I have to agree. If you feel it, say it.

Years ago I too, was in a relationship with a man who never ever said "I love you", not even once. He said it just wasn't in his nature. Well guess what, there are many things in our lives that are not in our nature to do, but we must do them some way, some how. If I decided to have a life with this man, including kids, could I live with the fact that the kids would never ever hear their dad say "I love you"? That was the deal breaker for me, so I ended the relationship after 3 years. Now I have been married for almost 25 years, with 2 adult kids, and the other day my son and I were talking about Victorian times when kids were supposed to be seen and not heard. Rarely did parents in those days tell their kids how much they love them. My son replied, that he can't imagine if he had parents who never said they love him (he is used to us saying that). So you see, it does matter. If the other person needs to hear it, then you need to fill that need, whether it's a partner, child, parent, whoever, and if you can't fill that basic need then something is wrong.

Nov, 30 I wrote a comment titled: "words and actions together". Since then we have moved in together and have been for 4months now. Both our anniversary, valentines day, my birthday and his has past. I had thought, "maybe he's waiting for a special moment", but that's not the case. He still hasn't said it and I try so hard not to say it myself. Not only because I know I wont hear it back (because it hurts when I do and he doesn't) but I don't want to make him uncomfortable or feel forced to say it.

My question for advice would be, how do I approach the subject? I don't want him to say it out of obligation, but how do I express to him that I don't really know how he feels about me. He is extremely affectionate. Yet, not only does he not say those unspoken 3words but he doesn't even tell me how he feels about me. I'm always the one to bring up relationship questions and I always tell him how I feel. It's uncontrollable. Sometimes I'll say something and then think, wow I just said that.
I have been thinking about it so deeply and now that we live together I feel like I have to prepare myself for the worst. Even with all the affection. Where do we go from here? What's in the future? I can't have anymore kids so it's just me and my kids. Could that be the problem?

Something you said in your original post in 2013 concerned me. Then I saw your recent follow-up post. Email me at: contest at inbox dot com. I want to find out more about this guy and explain what I mean.

I have been with someone for a year now also and do not hear these words. Nor do I say them because he doesn't. A lot of the time there is no doubt in my mind that we are both in love. He is affectionate and caring and when he looks at me and touches me I am sure we have everything. It's the times in between when insecurity will take hold. We do not live together. I was divorced after 25 years with the same person who told me everything I wanted to hear and meant none of it. Cheated on me, verbally and emotionally abused me, but would say "I love you" constantly. It got so I didn't say it for the last 5 years. Because I didn't feel it. That's what I start to tell myself now when my new guy doesn't say it, that he doesn't say it because he doesn't feel it. Deep down I know that's not true, but it sure would be great to hear it. He doesn't say I miss you or much about feelings at all, though he will bend over backwards to help me or my kids and spends a lot of his free time with us. He knows I want to hear it and that I don't say it because if I do and he doesn't respond it will bother me too much. I am trying to be patient, and it's easy because he is so great, but it may be a deal breaker if I truly am never going to hear it again. The question is, can't there be something else we say that equals those silly words? Who decided those were the best words or the only words that could mean that? We often tell each other "You're spoiled" and we mean that in the best possible way - that we treat each other with dignity and respect and take care of each other physically in ways most people don't get to experience. Whenever he tells me I'm spoiled, I always respond with "Absolutely and I'm supposed to be!" and I often tell him he is spoiled. Maybe those are our words?

Recently I've been so scared of my decision to move in with someone who has never told me "I love you". I couldn't take it anymore and had to confront my worries with my self, so that I could sort out the truth of things and what I've imagined before I confronted him. I told him straight out that I've been pulling away and wondering what i've done by moving in together when I don't even know if he feels the same about me that I feel about him. I asked him if he does love me and if so why don't I know it. He told me, people say it just to say it. That when he said it before, in the end, it didn't matter, it wasn't true. So why use words that EVERYONE says when they don't really mean it. I told him how much it hurts when I say it (and it literally just comes out of my mouth, I try not to say it, but it slips out) and don't get a reply. He pointed out that I do get a reply, just not with words. He's so right. I was married, then engaged and both of them exchanged the words, but didn't show it (most of the time). one was an alcoholic, wife beater and the other a creepy sex addict who lived in his own world. His idea of romance was eating dinner with me every night. So, he makes a good point, just cause the words are said doesn't mean it's true. actions really do speak louder than words.
We recently (within the last month or more) started saying "more", nothing else. When we're close and cuddling, cooking or whatever, in those moments where you want to say, "I love you" we say more, as in... "I love you more". I love it!! it's not something everyone else says, it's a way of saying, "not only do I know you love me, but I love you even more, I want more kisses, more hugs, more love making, more dreams, more of you". My daughter has even started saying it to me.
We also talked about having kids. I can't have anymore even if I wanted to and he doesn't have any at all. We've never spoken of it, maybe because he knew I couldn't and I didn't say anything because I was scared to ask him about it. If he wants kids and I can't give them to him then he would have a piece of his dreams wiped away. The weight of my shoulders got so much lighter when he said, he didn't want kids of his own because of family medical history, but if he could adopt he would. being that we're not in the position to do that there is an understanding that if we could we could, but we can't and he's okay with that.
A bit of me still worries, but I can admit he's got a point.
I think you're on the same page as me, you have your own special way of saying I love you, with out the common words. In fact, I think this makes the love we share even more special, one of a kind, like it should be!
Now, the next step or question, how do you feel about marriage? This one might be the hardest one of all. I'm kinda kicking myself because we should have talked about this stuff before. Better late then never I guess.

I'm not sure how I would feel about marriage. These sound like great guys, the kind you don't want to take for granted. I sure wish not hearing how he feels could be OK with me. Afraid it might be a "deal breaker" for me, when everything else is there! Last night we talked about it just for a few minutes, usually he doesn't answer me at all, which leads me to believe he doesn't know the answers. He said he tells me how he feels with his hands. There is no truer statement! He is so affectionate. I say he has magic in his fingertips :) He can rub my back or hold my hand. When we are alone we are constantly touching, the soft gentle, nice touches. The little touches that matter. I just went 25 years without the gentle, I like you touches.

You said your guy has acknowledged that he is saying it to you in other ways. That's something. It sounds to me that he has acknowledged that he loves you and that is what he means when he shows you. Reading this I can say my guy has acknowledged that too. I just second guess it because I wonder if I'm projecting my feelings of insecurity into not hearing him "pick me". I used to tell him that I want ALL of him and told him that I mean all, body and mind and he would say "You have all of me". Even if he said it, I'd just want him to say it more. I am now laughing at myself, because typing this and thinking about it really makes me acknowledge that he does love me and has told me and shows me. Seems like it is everything I want.

I tell my guy the same thing... "you have magic in your fingertips, leaking all over my skin". I tell my man when I'm not feeling secure and he doesn't get mad or frustrated, he grabs me, holds me, kisses me and stuff like that. Recently he's even started telling me I don't have anything to worry about, "I'm not going anywhere".
It makes me think of Extreme, as in the "band" and the song, "More than words". I've always loved that song and I guess now I can say, he doesn't say the words but he's the one guy that actually does, unlike those who said it but didn't show it. However, I still have those moments when I want to say it but wont. for example, after making love and laying there cuddling and feeling tingly I wanted to say it so bad, so bad that as I laid there silently, I cried myself to sleep. Then I'll have a horrible dream that he left me and was with someone else and every time I was around he'd tell her he loves her in front of me. I hate those dreams and then it stirs everything up for me. I guess I have to change my thought process and look for the answers in different ways, because when I do, I can see it and I know it.
We've conditioned ourselves all our lives to expect someone to say "I love you" if they do. we have re-teach ourselves that those 3 words are just that, 3 words.

Today I'm feeling "Say Something I'm Giving Up On You"! We had a great weekend, spent a lot of time together, laughing, playing, enjoying each other's company. Maybe I'm just never happy with what I've got? I do feel myself pulling away. He never called or texted me last night and I didn't either. Usually I do or will fret if he doesn't and worry that he isn't interested, but its like my brain is saying maybe he doesn't love you, so you better start to protect yourself in case that's true and learn to live just fine without him. I don't want to live without him and on the other hand, am feeling like I'm just not going to live the rest of my life without hearing the words from him either. I don't want to tell him it's a deal breaker either because that feels like an ultimatum and I'm not ready yet to deal with the consequence of that. A long time ago I decided to give him a year to come around and now we are past that. I don't harp on him or even bring it up, so its not like this is a constant conversation. I manage to keep my thoughts and feelings about this to myself. It's usually easy because we are having fun and busy when we are together. It's when we are apart that it gives me the most trouble. Has anyone had someone who started saying it after so long and even though they were not comfortable?

To "say something!" I was there too, I thought maybe on this day he'll say it. Then nothing and think, okay this day! And nothing. You may just have to talk about it. Something I did was when he would ask me what's wrong I'd tell him, "I am feeling insecure and not sure how to deal with it. That may open the door or it might let him ponder on what it might be and he might talk about it or after a few days, you could tell him, "you know the other day when you asked me what's wrong and I told you I was feeling insecure? Well, I was and maybe I still am, I can't shake it and I think we have to talk about it since it's weighing so heavily on me that it's starting to break my heart". Something like that, hopefully you get the picture i'm trying to paint for you?...
Maybe you should tell him exactly what you've said here, "... my brain is saying maybe he doesn't love you, so you better start to protect yourself in case that's true and learn to live just fine without him. I don't want to live without him ... Of course change the "him" to "you" and so on.
Maybe start talking about what the future hold for the two of you and "where you stand" so to speak. I finally said something after 1.5yrs and though I know now I will never hear it, I do believe that he does. He talks about our future together, growing old and grey and so on, so can I live without the words as long as I know in my heart, in my soul that he does? I think I can!
I am sure you know of the book, "men are from mars, women are from venus" if you haven't read it, you should. Not all of it will pertain to you, but most of it will help you to understand yourself better so you can explain how and why you do what you do, yet it will also give you some insight into how men work too (remember I didn't say all of it will).
I hope you find the courage to talk to him so you know how to actually feel and not assume how you feel. I hope we find out how it went if you decide to confront the situation.
Good luck! :)

Well, I went into this weekend with every intention of just point blank asking him if he is in love with me. Thinking maybe he could say yes or no easier than the actual words. But then we enjoy our time together alone and with my daughter so much that I don't want to ruin it by having a serious conversation. I know there's a possibility the conversation could go great and make the time that much better, but it could also not well and ruin our time together. My feeling is that he just won't answer me. What is it about me that makes these words so important? It's clear in 1,000 ways that he is invested in this relationship. Just wish our love languages were in the same order! And how do I learn to change the order of mine?

I still recommend the book (talked about above). You're in the boat I was just a few weeks ago. It was eating me up inside, it was literally making me sick from my worries. I was at the point where I would cherish every minute, just as you, but then I would start to pull away a little. Such as, giving short hugs or none at all, not because I didn't want to but a part of me was telling me not to get to close or rather closer. I was having one of those days where I was down, holding back tears so I figured I needed to chill out alone and went in my room, it wasn't too long before he came in (wondering what I was doing) he laid next to me and I couldn't hold it back, I sobbed. As I said above, once I did I felt so much lighter, even before he said a word. Just getting it off my chest felt better. I was at a point that if it wasn't what I was hoping to know (or hear)I would accept it. I've been in two seriously bad relationships and I don't know if I could handle another, but it was best to know and we really don't have serious relationship issues, so I think it would have been on good terms. Thank the Gods it went the other way for me!!
I would suggest a way to talk or bring it up in a simplified manner. Don't do the "can we sit down and have a serious talk". I was sad, but I was also calm in the sense that I wasn't at that point where I'm mad that he couldn't say it. For me, it turned out to be, "I could say it and mean it, but its use of the word seems redundant and who knows if they really mean it". Maybe he feels the same way, you could take that approach?
I do understand you're fear though, that's why it took me so long.

Things are progressing. I have managed to tell him that I love him, and he responds physically, but not verbally. I told him he does not have to keep seeing me if he doesn't love me or want a commitment. He took that as I didn't want to "waste" my time with him and wanted to go out with someone else. I responded to that saying he is the only one I want, that I don't want him to waste his time if he is not feeling it, that I already feel committed to him and have to know it's not one sided. He never responded to that at all. Anytime we have spent together has not been a waste. We do have something real and he has taught me many things about myself and what I do want in a relationship, but the truth is that I do want to be married again. I want a companion and a partner. I came close to asking him if he loves me, maybe just saying yes or no would be easier. While I don't want him to feel pressured, it's making me feel uncomfortable. I guess we need a conclusion one way or the other. Why should I be left uncomfortable so he doesn't have to leave his comfort zone? I know it makes some men feel vulnerable and they don't like that. I feel REALLY vulnerable now that I have shared my feelings with him and not had that reciprocated. Ugh. He is so great to me and my kids. Patience would be the best thing. Maybe I haven't made myself as clear as I think I have either.. I have not said I love you in person, only when texting. That's a problem too. Just think it will crush me if I say it to his face and he doesn't respond.. I also read NOT to say it before, during, or right after sex, but that is when it feels the most natural for me. He is so emotionally and physically expressive then.

First and foremost I saw your post a while ago but every time I go to write back someone is around and I feel like this is my safe place to talk to other people who feel the same thing as I.
I completely understand how you feel. As amazing as our relationship is, there are always those things that crawl under my skin. Recently my boy friend said he wants to finish getting grey hair, get fat and stay happy together, so if that is true than why can't you use your words more often to say so. Why can't you say, just once, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you? I feel like he loves me, but if he can't say it than what is it that he feels?
I have a long list of medical problems, I wonder if that's what's keeping him for "loving me" or saying other things. I will tell him if I am feeling insecure or just don't feel secure in our relationship and he says nothing, he'll hold me affectionately but no words to comfort me. I think I have been completely open with how I feel. I'm at a point that if you don't want what I do then tell me because it's going to hurt me and frustrate you.
I was hoping some guys would have some insight for us. Not some stupid idiot telling us to get over it, someone who can say..."I don't tell my xxxx I love her because .... not because I don't, I do, but ...." I hope that made sense hahaha
I feel like we're in a place to go further but I don't want to sink my heart in further if I shouldn't expect to be loved forever.
Just recently we were shopping and I turn around, kissed him and started to walk away. He asked me what that was for and I responded (without thinking) because I love you. Then I realized what I said and just kept walking, not but 20feet later I'm trying to hind my tears because I broke my own heart by saying it and for it not to be felt on the other end. I too have wanted to tell him I love him before, during and after having sex and sometimes end up crying myself to sleep. Loving someone shouldn't be painful, in any fashion.
I just don't know what to feel. Any advice???