Tantrums: Why they happen and what to do about them

Why preschoolers throw tantrums

A temper tantrum is the emotional equivalent of a summer storm – sudden and sometimes fierce, but often over as quickly as it starts. One minute you and your preschooler are enjoying your dinner in a restaurant, the next she's whimpering, whining, and then screaming to go home.

Thankfully, tantrums usually taper off as children develop their communication skills and may be less common during the later preschool years than they were during the terrible twos. Though some parents get no such respite: As many veteran parents will attest, tantrums may continue to make appearances from time to time well into the grade-school years. And when tantrums do hit, they're as challenging as ever.

Though you may worry that you're raising a tyrant, take heart — at this age, it's unlikely that your preschooler is throwing a fit to be manipulative. More likely, she's having a meltdown in response to frustration.

Keep in mind that she's just learning to use words and may not be able to communicate her needs effectively. Although your preschooler's intentions might be perfectly clear to her, she may get angry when you don't understand exactly what she wants.

Often your preschooler's overwhelming emotions are also to blame. Fearfulness, rejection by her peers, and sudden interruptions are frequent tantrum triggers. While she won't lose control as easily as she used to, she can still slip into a tantrum when her emotions get the best of her.

Say your preschooler spies a picture of a scary monster in the afternoon. This can put her emotionally on edge, though she may not express it immediately.

"When you put her to bed hours later, though, she might be more easily agitated than usual, and throw a tantrum that's linked to her heightened anxiety earlier in the day," explains Claire B. Kopp, professor of applied developmental psychology at California's Claremont Graduate University.

Say your preschooler spies a picture of a scary monster in the afternoon. This can put him emotionally on edge, though he may not express it immediately. "When you put him to bed hours later, though, he might be more easily agitated than usual, and throw a tantrum that's linked to his heightened anxiety earlier in the day," explains Claire B. Kopp, professor of applied developmental psychology at California's Claremont Graduate University.

What to do when your preschooler pitches a fit

Don't lose your cool. A tantrum isn't a pretty sight. In addition to kicking, screaming, or pounding the floor, your preschooler may throw things, hit, and even hold his breath until he turns blue. (Don't worry; he'll eventually come up for air, but be sure to talk to your child's doctor if this happens.)

When your child is swept up in a tantrum, he's unable to listen to reason, though he will respond — negatively — to your yelling or threatening.

"The more I shouted at Brandon to stop, the wilder he would get," says one mother. What worked instead, she discovered, was to just sit down and be with him while he raged.

Stomping out of the room — tempting as that may be — can make your preschooler feel abandoned. The storm of emotion he's feeling can be frightening to him, and he needs to know you're nearby.

Rather than leave him thrashing on the floor, go to him. If he's not flailing too much, pick up your child and hold him. Chances are he'll find your embrace comforting, and will calm down more quickly. And if he's showing a little bit of anger without getting too out of control, you can always try ignoring him until the storm passes.

Remember that you're the adult. No matter how long the tantrum continues, don't give in to unreasonable demands or negotiate with your screaming preschooler. It's especially tempting in public to cave in as a way of ending the episode.

But conceding only teaches your child that pitching a fit is the way to get what she wants and sets the stage for future behavior problems. What's more, a tantrum is frightening enough for your child without her feeling that you're not in control, either.

If your preschooler's outburst escalates to the point where she's hitting people or pets, throwing things, or screaming nonstop, pick her up and carry her to a safe place, such as her bedroom, where she can't harm herself. Tell her why she's there ("because you hit your sister"), and let her know that you'll stay with her until she calms down. If she's hurting others, you may want to check in with your doctor to rule out any bigger concerns.

If you're in a public place — a common breeding ground for tantrums — be prepared to leave with your child until she gets a grip.

"My daughter had an absolute fit at a restaurant because the plain spaghetti she ordered arrived with chopped parsley on it," another mother recalls. "Although I realized why she was upset, I wasn't about to let her disrupt everyone's dinner. I took her outside until she calmed down."

Try not to worry about what others think — anyone who's a parent has been there before.

Talk it over afterward. When the tantrum subsides, hold your child close and talk about what happened. Acknowledge his frustration, and encourage him put his feelings into words by asking, "Is there something you want to tell me about what upset you?" Kopp suggests.

Shy away from punishments — at this age, a tantrum is a sign that something is troubling him, so take time to talk about what that might be. If your preschooler has a tantrum before bed, hold off on your heart-to-heart until the next day. For the time being, simply calm him in your arms, tell him you love him, and help him go to sleep.

Try to head off tantrum-triggering situations. Pay attention to what pushes your preschooler's buttons and plan accordingly.

If she falls apart when he's hungry, carry snacks with you. If she has trouble making a transition from one activity to the next, give her a gentle heads-up before a change. Alerting her that you're about to leave the playground or sit down to dinner ("We're going to eat when you and Daddy are done with your story" or "Five more pushes on the swing and we're leaving") gives her a chance to adjust instead of react.

Your preschooler is grappling with new kinds of demands from you, his peers, and his teachers, so offer him choices when you can. No one likes being told what to do all the time. Saying, "Would you like corn or carrots?" rather than "Eat your corn!" will give him a sense of control.

Monitor how often you say no, too. If you find you're rattling it off routinely, you could be putting unnecessary stress on both of you. Ease up and choose your battles — after all, would it really wreck your schedule to spend an extra five minutes at the playground?

Watch for signs of overstress. Though occasional tantrums and out-of-control behavior are a perfectly normal part of the preschool years, keep an eye out for larger problems developing, Kopp points out.

Has there been upheaval in the family? Have you been extremely busy lately? Are you moving? Is one parent working longer hours away from home? Is there tension between you and your partner? All of these can provoke tantrums.

If your preschooler is having tantrums every day, talk to his doctor. That way, you can make sure that a physical or psychological condition isn't contributing to the problem and get some suggestions for dealing with the outbursts.

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