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Please excuse the Friday Football Foodie for phoning it in this Labor Day weekend. Not feeling very Foody or Footbally after last night’s debacle listening to an anemic Steelers-Panthers preseason game in the middle of the California desert where the only sustenance was a horrific batch of A&W cheese curds. (Wisconsinites, please save your emails; I know they’re not real “cheese curds”, but it’s the best you can find on the 10 between Los Angeles and Phoenix.)

But what do you do when a game is this boring? When it’s turnover after turnover, your friends are restless, and you need to keep the crowd energetic and fed through the second half of what is probably one of the most boring games of the season?

(Please excuse the lack of recipe here as not only am I typing this from a hotel room in Phoenix with the worst Internet connection ever, but I have also enlisted the typing services of my good friend as I am suffering from massive eye strain due to Arizona’s fantastic impersonation of the sun. I do believe that Edgerrin James has used the same excuse for his play since joining the Cardinals.)

The recipe on the box is fine. Just trust me. Throwing in pepper would be the only adjustment to the batter one would make so as not to ruin the subtle sweet corn taste that will adorn your chosen meat.

Lightly coat your meat on a stick with dry corn meal mix (note to Andrea: make sure to have plenty of corn meal available to coat Tony Romo’s slippery hands) and dunk into your corn meal batter.

A gratuitous picture of feet and meat. If this was shown on Fox, this would be every pool shot from the field.

When oil is to temperature, drop dogs into the hopper. You might want to do a test dog first since this will drop the temperature of your oil; temperature setting will depend greatly on your own fryer. Some run much hotter than others.

(Note: Dear God above, do not proceed unless you know how to use a deep fryer. Ladies, WordPress, and Crisco are not liable if you burn yourself or your house while messing around with hot oil.)

Fry until golden Gopher brown.

Be sure to pass around test corn dog for sharing.

Finished dogs will appear as so. After several beers, this will be in focus.

(Again, don’t use your deep fryer drunk.) (Which we would never do.) (No, really.) (Santa Monica is still standing, right?)

Expect by the end of the night everyone will be drunk enough to try to fry anything, including the rest of the batter, for hot dog/shrimp/ham tasting funnel cake.

Whatever you do, do not let anyone eat the giant ball of fry.

The Rusty Nail

This week’s cocktail is presented to you by TheStarterBoyfriend.

This evening on “Masterpiece Cocktail,” we’ll be discussing a drink of fine stature that should be enjoyed in only the most civilized of occasions and company. And while its name is somewhat deceiving, it’s a rather rich and complex drink with many layers that is best sipped by an expert tongue.

– Scotch (I recommend a 12-year old single malt; in this instance, Bowmore comes to excellent use)

– Ice

– A highball glass (preferably Waterford)

The combination is quite simple: equal parts of Drambuie and scotch are combined in a glass, preferably over ice. The color should indeed be reminiscent of the name: rusty. Now, while this might not seem to create something of tremendous stature, it’s taste elevates the pallet to a whole other level.

The first sip: Quite possibly you’ll be taken aback by the incredible aroma of the scotch, both smoky and intense.

The second sip: Here, you will discover the layers of sweetness that the Drambuie leaves upon your tongue.

Third sip: I highly recommend rolling this around your tongue to catch the subtle flavors of the almond, honey, vanilla, nutmeg and hint of cinnamon that will float on your taste buds.

Fourth sip: You might begin to feel slightly flushed. Do not be alarmed. This is merely the alcohol opening the blood vessels in your body. Some people call this “being buzzed”.

Fifth sip: Here you may once again find the smokiness of the scotch coming back in to play. Also, you’ll feel the necessity to take off your pants. Go with your instincts.

Sixth-Ad Nauseum sips: Now you’ll awake to find yourself at the “Cask & Cleaver” (a venerable dining institution) in Victorville, California, demanding a steak, medium rare. If you find you are still not wearing any pants, demand that the wait staff bring you enough bacon as to wrap your lower body in a suitable fashion. I recommend the potato salad, too.

Repeat as needed!

Thank you for joining us for another installment of “Masterpiece Cocktail”. We hope you enjoy responsibly. Especially if you like bacon.

You would think the combination of toasty wheat and cinnamon would make for a satisfying earthy cracker taste but instead you are left wondering how they managed to get the faint hint of cinnamon into the taste of cardboard. Wheat Thins are normally pretty good on their own but, for some reason, cinnamon seems to make them taste a bit drier and more bland.

Sundried Tomato and Basil, of course, is one of the best flavor combinations the Italians have ever given us (like guns and cannoli). However, Nabisco has rendered these crackers far too salty and far too tomato-y. (I don’t know if any of you have ever shopped at the boutique Olives and Co., but they make a sundried tomato powder that this cracker tried to mimic here. Poorly.)

However, if they go on sale at the market at 2 for $4, don’t feel bad about giving these a whirl. I mean, it’s this or a vegetable.

Next week: For kickoff weekend, Layered Ranchero Dip. Be sure to pick up extra bacon at the market in anticipation.(If you were looking for the brunch menu I promised for this week, it has been rescheduled for two weeks from today. Ask for vacation time now.)

What, no obscured face picture from TSW or TSB this week? I’m deeply disappointed; yes, I see it did have to be mailed in. :-( Kidding, but the creative methods used to show the food being eaten without showing too much recognizable epidermis always entertained me.

Sadly, the TSB was unavailable for a photo opportunity, as after finishing his second Rusty Nail, he was seen chasing a homeless man with a shopping cart full of empty recyclables down the street, shouting that the man had absconded with his waffles and he wasn’t going to let the Libertarians treat him like that.

He should be more readily available for the digustingly good Ranchero Dip, next week.

Stay tuned for more obscure and obtuse photos of the ever-expanding TSB.

Long time lurker, first time commenter…I loves me these Friday Football Foodie Columns. This whole blog is great, but this feature is the greatest. I don’t know how much more ass kissing I can do, but keep up the good work.

TSW: I used to work at Nathan’s and just the sight of corn dog nuggets made me gag. My sister looooves them. I bought them for Baby Mets the other day, and she would take off the corn “shell” and eat the little hot dog.

I’m more of a plain old hot dog kind of girl. And cheese fries. LOVE Nathan’s cheese fries.