Thursday, February 19, 2009

Best Of 'Friday The 13th': Jason's Greatest Kills

By Larry Carroll

With all due respect to Kevin Bacon, Corey Feldman, Jared Padalecki and Dudley from "Diff'rent Strokes," let's be brutally honest: We don't go to "Friday the 13th" movies to witness the acting skills of master thespians. We want to see Jason kill them!

So what's an actor cast as an ill-fated Crystal Lake camper to do? For starters, they can seek inspiration in the brave warriors of the Darkon Wargaming Club, who consider it a great honor to reward their killer with a memorable death. Because in the end, it is the perfect combination of sexiness, sadism, sarcasm and splatter that makes the "Friday" fans remember you for decades to come.

After watching all 12 Jason movies in six days, including the new "Friday the 13th," I compiled this list of the 10 best kills from the 183 murders committed throughout the series and included time codes for your, er, convenience. These are the baddest of the bad — which is what makes them so damn good.

10. "Freddy vs. Jason" (2003): Arriving at an outdoor rave in a cornfield where dozens of teenagers are drunk, stoned and/or having sex, Jason eyeballs his prey like a kid in a candy store. When one of the little punks sets him ablaze, a fiery Jason decides it's time to join the party — and begins slicing through the teens like a hot machete through butter. One lucky survivor sums up the attack thusly: "Dude, that goalie was pissed about something!" (33:05 on the DVD)

9. "Friday the 13th Part II" (1981): The survivor from the first film, Alice, has returned home and is making some tea to calm her nerves. Suddenly, she opens the fridge to discover Mrs. Voorhees' decapitated head next to her Jell-O, a reminder of how she wronged Jason. She's allowed only time for a quick scream, before the killer stabs her in the side of the head with an ice pick — then courteously removes her whistling tea kettle from the stove. Incidentally, this marks Jason's first true kill in the series. (10:56)

8. "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday" (1993): After Jason is "killed," two coroners go to work on his autopsy. One begins mocking Voorhees, declaring that he'd like to take a dump on his hockey mask. What he doesn't realize is that his partner has been hypnotized by Jason's still-beating heart, eaten it and then become possessed by his spirit. (Doesn't it suck when that happens?) Before the coroner's death, we get what might be the best line ever delivered by a victim before getting killed. As his partner silently stands before him holding what is about to become a weapon, the victim says sarcastically, "Yes, that's a probe." (12:07)

7. "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter" (1984): Axel the morgue worker is a ladies' man who tries to get it on with a nurse and implies that he has sex with the dead bodies. While he's watching some women gyrate in an '80s workout video, Jason sneaks up behind him with a hacksaw, slices his throat and then twists his head all the way around. (13:58)

6. "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" (1986): Stumbling across a group of corporate execs on a paintball expedition, Jason jumps in front of Katie, Larry and Stan (the latter two wearing "dead" bandannas since they've been eliminated from the game). In an extremely rare "Friday" occurrence, Jason takes multiple victims out at once: a triple beheading with one fell swoop of his machete. (23:47)

5. "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter" (1984): Having just gotten lucky, Crispin Glover's Jimmy comes downstairs to toast his conquest with a celebratory bottle of wine. Searching through the kitchen drawers, he keeps screaming, "Where's that corkscrew?" Always one for irony, Jason stabs him in the hand with the kitchen utensil he's been searching for — and then finishes him off with a good old-fashioned machete to the face. (59:58)

4. "Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning" (1985): "It's them damn enchiladas," Demon complains as he runs to an old aluminum Port-o-Potty in a Crystal Lake campsite. When his girlfriend jokingly starts shaking the bathroom box while he's on the throne, he threatens to get his revenge. But when it starts shaking again, Jason has killed the girlfriend — and soon begins shoving a pointy rod through the walls, impaling a screaming Demon as he sits on the commode. (53:01)

3. "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan" (1989): Julius is a fast-moving boxer who has shown off his skills throughout the movie. Spotting Jason on a rooftop, he moves in and goes to town, punching, jabbing and working Jason's ribs with dozens of rights and lefts. Aside from stepping back a bit, Jason doesn't do anything but stare down at the wannabe Muhammad Ali — until young Julius has exhausted himself. With one return punch, Jason knocks the pugilist's head off, sending it flying across the New York skyline. (1:10:39 on the DVD)

2. "Friday the 13th Part III" (1982): Jason's first official "hockey mask kill" occurs when he tracks down the beautiful Vera on a Crystal Lake pier. Making excellent use of the film's 3-D gimmickry, Jason shoots a harpoon straight at the camera — and into Vera's left eye socket. (59:35)

1. "Jason X" (2001): Thawed out on a spaceship in the year 2455, Jason wakes up in a cryogenics research lab. Grabbing hold of a pretty female technician, Jason shoves her face into a sink of liquid nitrogen and freezes it. He then bashes her skull against a counter, sending chunks of her head everywhere. (29:54)