Reprinted from the BBC News, Islamabad

Doctor’s Book on Sex Education Infuriates Pakistani Muslims

Dr Mobin Akhtar is on a mission to educate Pakistanis in sexual matters, but his latest attempt to do so has caused controversy.

The release of his book – Sex Education for Muslims – aims to teach people about sex in a way that is in keeping with Islamic instruction.

Dr Akhtar, 81, says the fact that sex is not discussed in Pakistan is having serious repercussions. As a psychiatrist, he says he has witnessed them himself, and that is why he felt the need to write his book.

“There’s a huge problem in our country,” he says. “Adolescents, especially boys, when they get to puberty, and the changes that come with puberty, they think it’s due to some disease.

“They start masturbating, and they are told that is very dangerous to health, and that this is sinful, very sinful.”

‘Misconceptions’

Dr Akhtar says he has seen cases where teenagers, not understanding what is happening to their bodies, have become depressed and even committed suicide.

“I myself passed through that stage with all these concerns, and there’s no-one to tell you otherwise, and that these are wrong perceptions. It was only when I entered medical college that I found out that these were all misconceptions.”

“Sex Education for Muslims”

He says even now in Pakistan, many doctors do not discuss sexual matters openly, and that teachers and parents are embarrassed about the issues. There is no sex education teaching in government schools.

Dr Akhtar says it is not seen as appropriate to broach the subject of sex in the conservative culture of Pakistan, and that it is also felt that doing so might encourage young people to behave in an “un-Islamic” way.

“They ask me when you should start sex education, and I say as soon as the child can talk. They should be told the names of the genitals just as they are told about hands and eyes and ears, and nose,” he says.

“When they get a little bigger and they ask where a child comes from, you can say it. That doesn’t make the child sexually active or immoral.”

Dr Akhtar says there is also nothing un-Islamic about discussing sex.

He says he felt that the best way to help people understand that was to write a book which brought together basic sex education with information about the Islamic perspective on the subject.

“When I started to study what the Koran, Islamic law and religious scholars had to say about it, I realised there is so much discussion about sex in Islam. One would be surprised.

“There are sayings from the Prophet Muhammad about sexual matters, and historical sources tell us he answered detailed queries on the subject from both men and women.”

The writings in Dr Akhtar’s book are interspersed with quotes from the Prophet Muhammad, and also from the Koran, like this one: “You are allowed intercourse at night with your wives during the month of fasting. They are as intimate for you as your own clothes, and vice versa.” (Koran, Surah Baqra, Verse 187)

‘Quack’

Among many other topics, Dr Akhtar writes of the Islamic thinking about masturbation, marital problems and how a man should wash himself after having sex so that he is clean enough to perform prayers.

But many Pakistanis have found Dr Akhtar’s book unpalatable.

Pakistani children have no access to sex education.

He tried to tone down the title – Sex Education for Muslims is the name of the English version of the book, in Urdu the title is Special Problems for Young People.

But that has not been enough to appease some.

“I have had threats. Even other doctors have accused me of acting like a maverick, a quack,” he says.

“A provincial politician even hauled me into his office and said I was encouraging pornography. I explained I was doing nothing of the sort.”

Dr Akhtar says he has found very few bookshops willing to stock his book, or any newspapers that will print paid advertisements for it.

“It is a very sad reaction. Ignorance about sexual matters is causing a lot of our young people unnecessary psychological distress, and we have to change that.

“I am only talking about educating people gradually and sensitively, but at the moment we are not even doing that.”

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear questioner, thank you very much for having confidence in us, and we hope our efforts, which are purely for Allah’s Sake, meet your expectations.

In the first place, we would like to stress that in vitro fertilization is permissible as long as the semen and ovum are from a husband and wife who are legally married and the fertilization takes place during their marriage, not after divorce or the death of the husband.

Responding to the question, Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, former President of the Islamic Society of North America, states the following:

“In vitro fertilization is a new biomedical method to help couples who are otherwise not able to have a child through normal husband/wife relationship.

Modern Muslim jurists did research on this method and in the light of the Shari`ah principles have given their opinions. In the following, I am going to give a summary of their modern ijtihad on this subject.

First of all let me explain briefly what is in vitro fertilization. It is a biomedical method that is generally used when, due to some obstruction, the sperm of the husband cannot reach the ovum. In this case the ovum is removed from her ovary at the time of ovulation.

This ovum is then exposed to the husband’s sperm in vitro in the hope that it will be fertilized. The fertilized ovum is then maintained in a test tube and at a later stage when it becomes an embryo it is deposited in the woman’s uterus. Thus, a woman who would otherwise not be able to conceive a baby is able to have a normal pregnancy and the couple enjoys the child.

Based on the principle that the Shari`ah came to protect and preserve the lineage or nasab of the people and thus it is haram to marry a woman during her `iddah or to have an intercourse with a woman who is carrying another person’s pregnancy, the Muslim jurists have allowed the use of in vitro fertilization only between legally married couples during their marriage.

Thus in vitro fertilization is permissible as long as the semen and ovum are from the couple who are legally married and the fertilization takes place during their marriage, not after divorce or the death of the husband.

A divorced woman is not allowed to receive the fertilized ovum (embryo) from her ex-husband. Similarly, a widow is not allowed to take it after the death of her husband. Surrogacy, i.e., giving the embryo to another woman to carry on the pregnancy in her womb is also not permissible in Islam. It also not permissible for a Muslim woman to act as a surrogate mother.”

No intimacy for 4 months, are we divorced?

Question:

I have been married for 6 months, but for the last 3 months we haven’t had physical contact. His excuse is that we have been fighting, so he doesn’t feel like it. Have heard by many people that the marriage becomes invalid if the couple doesn’t engage in intimacy for 4 months time.

Is divorce automatic after 4 months without intimacy?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum

In the name of Allah the Inspirer of Truth.

Although it is a right of the wife to have relations at least once in four months, it does not technically invalidate the marriage if the husband does not fulfill this. Having said this, it is definitely a sin to deprive the wife of this right without any valid reason or permission. “Because we fight” seems to be a psychological reason for losing interest.

You have to attempt to reconcile your differences and work out your differences together with compassion and compromise. If the reason for loss of interest is quarreling then those quarrels have to stop. This seems to be the way to resolve your situation. Always act with kindness, patience, love and affection towards him. This way, he will, insha Allah change his perspective about you and rekindle the flame of love.

If there are also other reasons which you cannot work out together, then it would best for you two to see a counseling scholar in this regard. There is very limited information as to the specifics of this question to suggest any other recourse in this response.

Just off the crowded central market in Old Damascus, a sales assistant called Mahmoud is giving me my first introduction into an unusual Syrian speciality – musical knickers.

The garments come in many different shapes and colours, and play little tunes – or other extraneous noises like telephone ringtones – all made by small electronic devices hidden in the lining.

Singing underwear isn’t the only item on sale at the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing”, where Mahmoud is proudly showing off his product lines.

He’s got knickers with flashing fairy lights, others that glow in the dark, a bra-and-knickers set shaped like manicured women’s hands enveloping the wearer’s body.

In a slightly higher price range, he’s got remote-controlled bras and knickers, designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or a press of a button.

Welcome to the no-frills world of Syrian lingerie – no frills, but plenty of tassels, and feathers, and zips, and bras which open like curtains, and…

There’s a whole street off the historic Hamadiyeh Souk selling this genre of clothing – all outfits manufactured in Syria, some that Madonna herself might blush to wear, all showing bawdy creativity and a wicked sense of humour.

Culture shock

Forthright displays of the some world’s raciest “leisure wear” have long been a feature of Syrian souks – though many tourists don’t notice the hot knickers and PVC French maid outfits among the more traditional inlaid backgammon sets and textiles.

It stems from the Syrian tradition for brides-to-be to be given a trousseau of exotic underwear – sometimes dozens of items – usually by girlfriends, aunties and cousins, to add spice to their wedding nights, honeymoons and beyond.

With a glint in his eye, Mahmoud, who’s barely out of school himself, says “some ladies keep coming back until their 30s”.

Now two London-based Arab women, Rana Salam and Malu Halasa, are shining a spotlight on this little-known local speciality, with a new book called The Secret Life of Syrian Lingerie.

“They used to tell me at art school: ‘Look within your culture’. So I looked and I was in for a big surprise,” graphic designer Ms Salam told me at the launch in London last month.

“The point of the book is to go beyond politics, to break stereotypes and celebrate Middle Eastern romanticism and pleasure. Call it kitsch, call it whatever you like, but I think this attire is superb, spontaneous, pure art.”

On display at the launch party are a few of the most elaborate (but silent) designs, framed on the wall as works of art, including the “hands” bikini.

“I mean, Jean Paul Gaultier eat your heart out,” she says pointing to another exhibit, a bright red wire spiral bra, with white roses at the center and covered in a host of plastic butterflies.

Is it Prohibited to Marry Someone Guilty of Zinaa (Adultery/Fornication)?

Question:

A girl and I committed zina a few months back. We are in the process of getting married very soon. Is it permissible for me to marry the girl I committed zina with? Is it obligatory for her to repent before we get married? She will definitely repent but I want to know if its required in order us to marrry. I read this on islamqa.com.

Answer:

All praise is to Allah Most High who has shown us right from wrong, in order that we may benefit both in this life and in the next life.

Zina (either illicit fornication for those never-before-married, or adultery for those who have been married) is one of the vilest and gravest sins a Muslim can commit, after ascribing partners with Allah, murder, and disobedience to one’s parents. In the Qur’an, right after the prohibition of killing one’s children, Allah Most High says:

“And do not even go close to Zina! Truly, it is a gross obscenity and an evil path (to go down).” [al-Quran, 17:32]

This verse is not just about prohibiting the act of zina itself, rather, we are told not even to go near it through anything that may lead or invite to it. This is why the pre-marital contact of an unrelated man and woman for unnecessary reasons is not allowed in Islam, even if marriage is the eventual goal.

However, if anyone has fallen into committing this act (and may Allah save us), know that Allah is so Merciful and He is ready to accept the repentance of those who are truly remorseful and commit themselves not to repeat the act again. He, Most High, says:

“And those who, after they had committed a gross obscenity [ie. zina], or wronged themselves [by what approaches it, such as kissing], remembered Allah, and then sought forgiveness for their sins – and who forgives sins except Allah? – and they did not continue in committing it, knowing fully-well [it was a sin]:

For those people, their recompense is a great forgiveness from their Lord! And gardens underneath which rivers flow! They will be in there forever! What a wonderful reward for those who act for Allah!”

[al-Quran, 2:135-136, interpretation from Jalalayn and Tabari]]

It is definitely a step in the right direction that you both have turned away from this and are now working to get married soon. Both of you, not just the woman, should repent from what has passed and make a firm commitment not to come near to a situation where it might happen again. However, the direct answer to your question is that it isn’t a legal requirement that one repent (which is an inward act between a servant and Allah) in order for the marriage to be valid (which is an outward action).

That being said, it is still obligatory to repent in any case, and to do so before marriage is not so much of a technical requirement as some opinions say, but rather something strongly encouraged for the couple get on the right footing with Allah Most High as they embark on the sacred journey of being husband and wife. Now, we’ll look at the reasons why the majority of scholars say this, and the verse of the Quran which concerns the issue.

The Verse Concerning Marriage With Those Who Commit Zina

Allah Most High says:

“A man guilty of adultery or fornication does not marry other than a woman guilty of adultery or fornication, or an idolatress, and as for a woman who committed adultery or fornication, no one but a man who committed adultery or fornication, or an idolater, marries her. And that has been prohibited for the Believers.” [al-Quran 24:3]

The opinion that you read (on islamqa.com) says that this verse is a prohibition against the marriage of a Believer with someone guilty of zina, until the adulterer repents, thereby being cleansed of the sin and no longer being an adulterer. This is based on the taking the statement “it has been prohibited” at one of its literal and apparent meanings and applying it to marriage. Some Hanbali scholars held this view.

However, the majority of scholars have said that this is not a prohibition in terms of validity of marriage, but rather they interpret the verse in many different ways.

Al-Suyuti in Tafseer al-Jalaalayn points out that the beginning of the verse speaks about who is appropriate for marriage to another due to their character; that the only person who would want to marry an adulterer is one who has similar inclinations or makes light of the sin of zina, or a person who is not a Muslim and therefore does not see zina as being unlawful and sinful in the first place. The suitability of a man and woman of this nature is repeated twice to show emphasis on how detestable the act and its consensual perpetrators are, and it also highlights that this stigma is not attached only to the male or female alone (as is sometimes sadly observed in some cultures).

Al-Suyuti goes on to say that the prohibition on the Believers was initially meant to address a situation in which some very poor Muslim Emigrants to Medina had wanted to get married to women who were pagans and known prostitutes, so that they might benefit from those women’s earnings to survive. Hence, the verse was revealed to prohibit this, and he says that the prohibition of marrying anyone who had once committed adultery was abrogated by a later command which said “and marry the single ones from amongst you.”[al-Quran, 24:32]

That does not mean however, that it is of no consequence to marry someone who is unrepentant about their adultery, nor that a chaste person should marry such a person.

Al-Shaukani in Fath al-Qadeer lists 7 different interpretations, one of them being that the verse is simply commending the most commonly observed trend, which is that a chaste person would not usually want to marry someone who was unremorsefully unchaste. He also mentions that the verse is in reference specifically to people to whom zina has become a way of life and even a way of earning. Some transmissions of prohibiting the marriage of two fornicators to each other exist from some Companions, but conflicting narrations from some of those same Companions and the rulings of many of the Imams of the Salaf (such as al-Shafi’i and Abu Haneefa) who knew the Companion’s opinions better than we do today, show that this prohibition was not conclusive or absolute.

Ibn Katheer in his tafseer quotes a narration attributed to Ibn ‘Abbas which indicates that the word “to marry” in this verse (yankiHu) actually takes its other literal meaning, which is “to have intercourse”, so that the verse reads “(illicit intercourse) is prohibited for the Believers”. Al-Tabari says that the verse was revealed to speak about a specific brothel which was frequented by non-Muslims and adulterers, and that the Muslims were forbidden from visiting houses the likes of those. Al-Baghawi even mentions specific people for whom the verse was revealed initially. To summarize, a casual glance through many other tafseers will reveal that while most mufassireen (commentators on the Qu’ran) reported a variety of reasons and interpretations of the verse, the most common interpretations were either one compatibility and censure, or a prohibition that was later abrogated in that same surah.

Some Reports on this Issue

Reports of the sayings of the Companions and Followers on this issue are plentiful.

Daraqutni reports, in part of a hadeeth, from Aisha that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was asked about a man who committed zina with a woman, and then wanted to marry her. Part of the reply was, “Something unlawful (zina) does not make prohibited that which is lawful (marriage)…”

He also reports that Ibn Abbas, regarding a man who had committed zina with a woman and then married her, said, “The first part of [the relationship] was fornication (al-sifaah) and the last part of it was lawful Islamic marriage (al-nikaah). The first part was unlawful, and the last part was lawful.” In another riwayah, he said “there is no harm in it”, and that a similar meaning had been reported from ‘Umar, Abu Hurayara and Jabir (may Allah be well pleased with them all), though saying there is “no harm in it” doesn’t necessarily show that it is liked or recommended.

‘Abd al-Razzaq in his Musannaf also relates from Ibn ‘Abbas, on the same issue that a man committed zina with a woman then married her, that he said, “Then that (marriage) is better”, and in another narration, “Now he did the right thing!”, and “What’s disliked about that?”

He goes on to report that Abu Bakr (Allah be pleased with him) said, “There is no better repentance than that he marries her- (after all) they both went from fornication to Islamic marriage.” [This last report contains an unidentified narrator but its concept and wisdom is amply supported by other reports]. Although there are fewer reports about ‘Aisha and Ibn Mas’ud not allowing such a marriage, perhaps they can be interpreted as recommendations rather than laws, or that the wisdom is for both people to start fresh with other people rather than build their marriage on wrong actions or to discourage the validating of pre-marital relationships. Either way, repentance as a technical requirement to validate the marriage is not established according to the majority.

Amongst the Sunni schools of law, the Hanafi school (as well as the Shafi’i and Maliki schools) rules the permissibility of the marriage of two adulterers [Tabyeen al Haqaiq, al-Zayla’i]. One proof says that the verse in the Quran intends to prohibit intercourse rather than marriage with an adulterer, as it would otherwise seem to recommend that a fornicating muslim can actually marry a non-believing idolater, and there is no such valid marriage between the two as is decisively established in Islam, and so the meaning is carried upon intercourse in order to outlaw zina, and not marriage, to an adulterer. However, the opinion of some Hanbali jurists that repentance is required is good in its meaning because it forces the two people to recognize their wrong and repent to start their marriage on a fresh footing.

One might say however, that the intention to make up for the wrong one has done by doing in its place what is good and chaste, by getting married, is itself a commendable act that shows regret for what was done in the past, though correcting a wrong must be joined by sincere taubah and a promise never to return to the sin again. It should also be clear that there is also no obligation for the two parties to continue on with marriage after an illicit relationship; rather, one should marry someone who they feel has a good Islamic character and a desire to live a righteous life.

Question:Dear scholars, As-Salamu `alaykum. I am a teenager living in the west. I want to know whether things such as hugging fall under the sin of adultery or are they considered major sins. Jazakum Allah khayran.

Answer:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear questioner, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake.

Islam has taken a firm and decisive stance againstzina(fornication or adultery). Allah, the Almighty, commands in explicit and unequivocal words: “And come not near unto adultery. Lo! it is an abomination and an evil way.“(Al-Israa’ 17: 32)

Thus, Islam not only prohibits zina, but also closes all the avenues and means leading to it. This is achieved by prohibiting every step and means leading to stimulating desires, opening ways for illicit sexual relations between men and women, and promoting indecency and obscenity.

In his response to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:

Your question shows your eagerness to know Islam’s position on a practice that is so prevalent among the youth today. You should know that, as a young man striving to hold on firmly to your religion, you belong to those who have been given glad tidings by the Messenger of Allah. Once you recognize Allah’s laws for what they are, namely, compassionate devices to save us from the wickedness inherent in our souls and not as burdensome laws, you would be much better prepared to follow them most scrupulously.

The laws of Allah are based on His infinite Mercy and Compassion. They take into account human weaknesses and failings. They are intended to save the largest number of people. These laws recognize the fact that humans are not always governed by their reason and rational mind; rather they are ruled by emotions and personal desire for instant gratifications. Were such emotions and feelings given a free rein, they would cause incalculable destruction to individuals and societies. So Almighty Allah, out of His sheer Compassion and mercy towards us, has prescribed laws that are intended to protect us against our nature.

So instead of merely telling us don’t fornicate, Allah tells us don’t go near fornication, for all humans, given their rational mind, will recognize the fact that fornication entails serious consequences for individuals and societies. No person in his sane, rational mind would think of committing that, but humans cannot control themselves once they are aroused or trapped in a situation where their emotional aspect dominates.

Therefore, Allah has set certain clear boundaries and limits for interaction between males and females. These include prohibition of all sorts of indiscriminate mingling and mixing between them, including hugging, kissing, touching, and flirting, etc. These things are forbidden not because everyone engaging in them will be committing adultery, but because they can all become leads, means, and preliminaries of fornication. Once allowed, they can become a slippery slope. How many have become victims of such activities?

So by trusting in Allah and surrendering to His will, you will enjoy true peace and tranquility. You will protect yourself against the pernicious tendencies of your own soul, and you will belong in the company of those who were given glad tidings by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him):

“One of the seven categories of people who shall be accorded the protection in the shade of Allah (on the day of horror and terror) will be a person who brushed off the advances of a lady of status and beauty saying, ‘I fear Allah.’”

Question:As-Salamu `alaykum! I hope you could shed light on the issue of looking with desire at the opposite sex. Jazakum Allah khyran.

Answer:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, we commend your eagerness to become well-acquainted with Islam and its teachings, which is the way Allah has chosen for the welfare of His servants.

As for your question, you have to bear in mind the fact that Islam cares for the welfare and honor of people to the extent that it prohibits the mere look at the opposite sex with lust.

In his well-known book, “The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam”, the prominent Muslim scholar, Sheik Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, states:

What Islam prohibits in the sphere of sex includes looking at a member of the opposite sex with desire; for the eye is the key to the feelings, and the look is a messenger of desire, carrying the message of fornication or adultery.

This is why Allah Almighty has commanded the believing men and the believing women alike to lower their gazes together with His command to guard their sexual parts: (Tell the believing men that they should lower their gazes and guard their sexual organs; that is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is well-acquainted with what they do. And tell the believing women that they should lower their gazes and guard their sexual organs, and not display their adornment, except that which is apparent of it; and that they should draw their head-coverings over their bosoms, and not display their adornment except to their husbands or their fathers or their husbands’ fathers, or their sons or their husbands’ sons, or their brothers or their brothers’ sons or their sisters’ sons, or their women, or those whom their right hands possess, or male servants who lack sexual desire, or children who are not aware of women’s nakedness; and that they should not strike their feet in order to make known what they hide of their adornment.) (An-Nur 24: 30-31)

Several divine injunctions are contained in these two verses. Two of them pertain to both men and women, namely, the lowering of the gaze and the guarding of the sexual organs, while the rest are addressed exclusively to women.

A difference is to be noted here between the expressions, ‘lower their gazes’ and ‘guard their sexual organs,’ signifying that while the sexual organs must be totally guarded without any leeway, the lowering of the gaze is only partial, because necessity and the general interest of the people require that some looking at members of the opposite sex be allowed.

‘Lowering the gazes’ does not mean that in the presence of the opposite sex the eyes should be shut or that the head should be bowed toward the ground, since this would be impossible; in another place the Qur’an says, ‘Lower your voice‘ (Luqman 31: 19), which does not mean sealing the lips. Here, ‘lowering of the gazes’ means to avert one’s gaze from the faces of the passers-by and not to caress the attractive features of the members of the opposite sex with one’s eyes. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) told `All ibn Abi Talib, ‘Ali, do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second.’ (Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and at-Tirmidhi)

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) considered hungry and lustful looks at a person of the opposite sex as ‘the zina (adultery or fornication) of the eye,’ according to his saying, ‘The eyes also commit zina, and their zina is the lustful look.” (Reported by al-Bukhari)

He termed the lustful look zina because it gives sexual pleasure and gratification in an unlawful way. This is also what Jesus (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said in the Gospel of Matthew: You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’. But I say to you that everyone who so much as looks at woman with evil desire for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matt. 5:2728)

Indeed, such hungry and lustful looks are not merely a danger to chastity but they also result in agitation of the mind and disturbed thoughts.

Question:As-Salamu `Alaykum. Could you please enlighten me about the Islamic ruling concerning divulging one’s bedroom secrets in public? Some people find no shame in discussing such secrets in public. Is such a thing permissible in Islam? Please cite an evidence in support of your view. Jazakum Allahu Khayran.

Answer:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, thank you very much for having confidence in us, and we hope our efforts, which are purely for Allah’s Sake, meet your expectations.

In Islam, intimacy between the husband and his wife should always be viewed as something private that must not be subject to intrusion. Right to marital privacy is one of the rights Islam made inalienable to both man and woman. The Glorious Qur’an has alluded to this by stating that, “…They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them…” (Al-Baqarah: 187)

Raiment or garment symbolizes physical protection. Likewise, a spouse is viewed this way, in the sense that each one of them owes the other the duty of protecting his secrets, in order to have a serene and comfortable marital life.

In his well known book‘The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam’, the well known erudite scholar Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, states the following:

Among the secrets, which must be guarded, is the intimate relationship with the spouse. Discussing the secrets of such relationship in public or speaking about it to friends is not permitted. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said: “Among those who will occupy the worst position in the Sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection is the man who has intercourse with his wife and then spreads her secret.”(Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and Al-Bazzar)

Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) is quoted to have said: Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) led us in prayer, and when he had finished he turned toward us and said: “Remain seated. Is there among you one who comes to his wife, closes the door, and draws the curtain, and then goes out and speaks about it, saying, “I did this and I did that with my wife?”The men remained silent. Then he turned toward the women and asked,“Is there among you one who tells about such things?”A girl raised herself on her knees so that the Messenger of Allah could see her and listen to what she said. She said, “Yes, by Allah, the men talk about it and the women do, too.” Then the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Do you know the similitude of those who do that? They are like a male and female devils who meet each other in the road and satisfy their desire with the people gazing at them.”

This emphatic way of expressing the matter should be sufficient to turn the Muslim away from such ill-considered and degraded behavior, which would make him or her resemble a devil!”

Moreover, we would like to cite for you the following:

The only exception to this rule would be when there is a necessary reason to reveal such details, for example to a medical professional. Some examples might be if the husband is having problems with impotence, or the wife finds intercourse painful, or the couple has difficulty conceiving, or they need advice on birth control, etc. In such cases the doctor may need to ask some questions about the couple’s sexual practices.

If you have any further comments, please don’t hesitate to write back!

May Allah guide you to the straight path, and guide you to that which pleases Him, Ameen.

Yet somehow, despite the fact that “everyone” is influenced by this topic, it seems that most parents find this topic somewhat “delicate” to discuss with their children. Children of today seem to be maturing at a faster rate than a generation ago and often ask intelligent questions of their parents.

Some parents do their level best to satisfy their children’s natural curiosity.

Other parents simply don’t know how to handle their fast-growing kids and often assume that the less said about the subject of sex, the better. In some homes the word “sex” is taboo, and children are often reprimanded for asking innocent questions. Parents assume that children will grow up and “they will learn,” or that the school or friends are “responsible” for sharing this knowledge.

The reality is that parents who have this view are overlooking a major and significant source of correct information regarding this topic -themselves! Our children have the right to be given an unbiased view of sex, based on the Qur’an and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).

The Western media are very powerful, and often the main driver is money rather than values based on sound moral principles and with their roots in religion. This essay deals with this topic in an objective manner to throw some light on this issue and thereby, perhaps, give some confused teenagers a clearer perspective of the choices that they can make.

I am not a moralist or a mawlana. I do not intend to be judgmental of any individual, group, or society, but simply give my opinion on this topic from an Islamic point of view. Any errors are my own and I seek the forgiveness of Allah Most High for any errors contained in this article.

Sex Education

Studies have shown that the average teenager and preteen receive their sex education from the following sources in order of priority:

1- Friends, who may then share pornographic magazines, books, and Internet

2- TV and movies, which then lead to magazines and newspapers, or school (video or discussions of video), parents (through discussion of TV and movies)

Parents fail to realize that everyone is teaching their children about sex except them. Everyone is telling your children about sex, so how sure are you that this information is based on the guidelines laid down in Islam?

Sex is a fashionable industry that changes like the flavor of the month. Sex is a topic that advertisers and marketers use very effectively to sell their products. Unfortunately, the sources of information available to the preteen are often biased. Illusions are created that everyone is having sex … in these modern times, anything goes … you only live once, so make the most of it, and it is “cool” to chew a particular brand of chewing gum or smoke a particular brand of cigarette because that will make you rich and successful and ensure that you can attract the perfect partner. In fact, the reality is far removed from the illusion that is fed to the senses of our unsuspecting youth.

With aggressive and sustained marketing, society comes to accept abnormal activities as normal. Ten years ago, what was considered abnormal, unthinkable, abhorrent, immoral, and shameful, is today considered fashionable, normal, and modern. A typical example is that after watching a few episodes of any prime-time soap opera on TV, one gets the impression that adultery is acceptable and normal; premarital sex fashionable, and that deceit, trickery, lying, and manipulation are essential to get your man or woman, no matter what the cost or the hurt that others suffer in the process.

Furthermore, the printed and visual media create the impression that marriage is old fashioned, live-in relationships and cohabitation are in vogue, and being gay is fashionable. Homosexuality, bestiality, and escort clubs (prostitution) are all normal. We have reached a stage (through effective marketing) where certain individuals in society justify everything by their right to freedom of expression. If this is really freedom, then why do we see so many examples of the following scenarios:

1- Young adults are being infected with the HIV virus at an alarming rate. South Africa has one of the fastest growing number of infected people in the world; HIV/AIDS has reached epidemic proportions in this country. The age group that is mainly targeted is teenagers and young adults.

2- A devout mother, loyal to her husband, suddenly develops a sexually transmitted disease (such as syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, or even HIV/AIDS); how did this happen? STDs have reached epidemic proportions in America, where 40 million people are infected with some form of STD.

3- Teenage pregnancy is on the increase; girls as young as 11 are getting pregnant-a child is pregnant with a child. Many teenagers are having abortions, which leads to emotional, physical, and mental side effects.

4- Girls as young as 10-12 are having unprotected sex, with devastating consequences. When questioned, these young children say, “No one told me that it is wrong.”

5- Wonderful homes break up and end in divorce because the husband (or wife) was having an adulterous relationship; the main victims in this scenario are the children.

6- Females as young as 2 and as old as 80 are being raped.

7- Homosexuality is on the increase; acts of sodomy that were once considered an abomination against humanity, are now considered normal to the extent that gay marriages are being allowed in some parts of the world.

8- More and more relationships end up in hurt, depression, unhappiness, conflict, and regret.

The above examples show that the issue of sexual liberation has in fact enslaved the very people that it attempts to free. The sexual liberators are being enslaved in the chains of disease, depression, divorce, dissatisfaction, double standards, deceit, and discontent. Individuals, organizations, and governments are actively searching for solutions to halt this tide of immorality and its associated truckload of problems.

Recent research has shown that two-thirds of the schools in America are now promoting the idea of “no sex before marriage” and that “safe sex” is not the use of condoms, but safe sex is “no sex before marriage,” and only one sex partner for life (no adultery). Furthermore, many states in the US are promoting the idea of having pride in remaining a virgin until marriage, and many students are signing certificates vowing their commitment to this new “fashion” of abstinence.

How long will this last? Will we once again undergo a new sexual revolution? The answer to this dilemma and to all dilemmas facing any society where the fabric of society is under threat from immorality, alcoholism, drugs, gambling, crime, dishonesty, and materialism can be found in the Qur’an, which has been sent for all humanity. Its principles have a universal application for all times. It was the task of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) to give a practical implementation of the universal message of the Qur’an so that anyone who follows the perfect example of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) will be on the straight path.

The Islamic View of These Problems

Adultery

Adultery means to have sex with a person who is not your legally married partner; there are two types of adultery:

1- A married person who has sex with an unmarried person

2- A married person who has sex with another married person

Would you like adultery for your mother, wife, sister, or daughter? If not, then why perpetuate it or condone it? There are several verses in the Qur’an and many authentic hadith of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), which give clear guidance on the choices that we can make.

[Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).] (Al-Israa’ 17:32)

1- Marriage is a sacred relationship between a husband and wife. When either spouse has a sexual relationship outside this relationship, this is usually done secretly; thus there is breakdown of trust in the relationship.

2- The guilty party may contract a sexually transmitted disease, which can then be transmitted to the innocent victim.

3- The victim is usually the female. She has two options, either stay and ignore what the father of her children is doing, or ask for a divorce. If the woman does not have a source of income, she either has to return to her parents and thus be a burden on them, or eke out a living and thus raise her children in poverty.

4- Children are the innocent victims in divorce. They bear the brunt of the constant fights between their parents and grow up with emotional and psychological scars.

Fornication

Fornication (zina) means to have sex with anyone while not yet married; there are two types of fornication:

1- An unmarried person who has sex with another unmarried person.

2- An unmarried person who has sex with a married person; in this case, it is fornication for the unmarried person but adultery for the married person.

Those who invoke not, with Allah, any other god, nor slay such life as God has made sacred, except for just cause, nor commit fornication; and any that does this (not only) meets punishment (but) the Penalty on the Day of Judgment will be doubled to him, and he will dwell therein in ignominy. (Al-Furqan 25:68-69)

In this verse, the sin of fornication is given its seriousness by being ranked as follows:

The first major sin is associating partners with Allah Most High.

The second major sin is murder.

The third major sin is fornication.

"The one who commits illegal sexual intercourse is not a believer at the time of committing illegal sexual intercourse, and a thief is not a believer at the time of committing theft, and a drinker of alcoholic drink is not a believer at the time of drinking. Yet, (the gate of) repentance is open thereafter."

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “When a man commits fornication, faith departs from him and there is something like a canvas roof over his head; and when he quits that action, faith returns to him.” (Abu Dawud #4673).

The Prophet said, “The one who commits illegal sexual intercourse is not a believer at the time of committing illegal sexual intercourse, and a thief is not a believer at the time of committing theft, and a drinker of alcoholic drink is not a believer at the time of drinking. Yet, (the gate of) repentance is open thereafter.” (Al-Bukhari 8, 801).

Furthermore, the punishment is described in the following verse: The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication-flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day. (An-Nur 24:2).

Furthermore, if the girl becomes pregnant as a consequence of this premarital or extramarital act, then the child is not considered a legal heir according to the following hadith:

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “If a man commits fornication with a free woman or a slave woman, the child is the product of fornication, and neither does he inherit nor may anyone inherit from him.” (At-Tirmidhi #3054).

Marriage

Marriage is the public proclamation that gives legal, physical, and spiritual license to have sex with your partner.

Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste until Allah gives them means out of His Grace. (An-Nur 24:33)

For Muslim men and women, for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast, for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah’s Praise-for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and a great reward. (Al-Ahzab 33:35)

Muslim males and females are enjoined to marry. There are various guidelines pertaining to selecting a suitable partner in life. This choice cannot be left to chance. However, if anyone does not have the means to marry, this dilemma does not entitle anyone to fornicate; rather he or she is enjoined to remain chaste and to patiently persevere and seek help from Allah Most High. To guard your chastity is a test from Allah Most High and requires a lot of discipline and willpower. However, those individuals who succeed in avoiding fornication and adultery, [for them has Allah Most High prepared forgiveness and a great reward.] Furthermore, according to the following verses, there are clear instructions for those people who commit fornication and then decide to marry:

Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman: to the believers such a thing is forbidden. (An-Nur 24:3)

(Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers, but chaste women among the People of the Book, revealed before your time, when you give them their due dowers, and desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret intrigues. (Al-Ma’idah 5:5)

These verses emphasize the need and pursuit of sexual purity both before marriage and within marriage, and give guidelines as to the selection of a partner. Sex counselors and psychologists now confirm the wisdom behind these verses. A person who has multiple partners is always comparing the spouse’s performance to that of other partners. If an “experienced” boy marries a virgin wife, he may be unhappy with her inexperience and may expect (and sometimes demand) more. This can lead to a very fragile relationship, which is bound to flounder. Unfortunately, some men have a double standard wherein they feel free to have sex with multiple partners before marriage, but insist that their wife must be a virgin.

Sex and Hygiene

Islam places a very high emphasis on hygiene and cleanliness. This requirement, together with sexual purity both before marriage and during marriage, tremendously minimizes the risks of diseases associated with the sexual organs. The need and emphasis on cleanliness is highlighted in the following:

O ye who believe! when ye prepare for prayer wash your faces and your hands (and arms) to the elbows; rub your heads (with water); and (wash) your feet to the ankles. If ye are in a state of ceremonial impurity, bathe your whole body. (Al-Ma’idah 5:6)

Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “When anyone sits between the four parts of her body and exerts himself (has intercourse), bathing becomes obligatory (for both).” (Muslim)

Prostitution

Prostitution is forbidden in Islam as indicated in the following hadith:

A slave girl of some Ansari came and said, “My master forces me to commit fornication.” Thereupon, the following verse was revealed: But force not your maids to prostitution. (Abu Dawud #2304).

It is a very sad reflection on our society that some people are forced into prostitution due to circumstances that may be beyond their control. The most wicked and severe form of prostitution is that of child prostitution, enforced either by their parents (very rarely, but most abhorrently), caregivers, or swindlers. Furthermore, studies have shown that there is a very high correlation between prostitution and drugs. Drug dealers usually prey on unsuspecting teenagers at shopping malls, cinemas, and schools, by offering them free drugs. The unsuspecting teenagers become addicted and involuntarily become “customers for life” to these drug dealers. The teenagers then resort to begging, stealing, and prostituting to service this habit.

Teenagers should be on the alert for pimps and drug dealers-nothing in life comes for free, there is always a catch. Be alert. Furthermore, be very alert to the dangers presented by pedophiles who derive a perverted sense of pleasure in abusing young children.

Willpower and Discipline

Adultery and fornication do not happen automatically. The mind plays an important role in the whole scenario. Everyone is constantly bombarded with visual, auditory, and tactile stimuli that are processed in the mind. These messages can either be controlled or uncontrolled. If teenagers have low self-esteem and want to be accepted, they will give in to temptation. On the other hand, teenagers who are firm in their faith in Allah Most High and who have positive self-esteem, use their willpower to control temptation and channel it into another form of energy.

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Allah Most High has written for the son of Adam his inevitable share of adultery, whether he is aware of it or not: The adultery of the eye is looking (at something which is sinful to look at), and the adultery of the tongue is to utter (what it is unlawful to utter), and the inner-self wishes and longs for (adultery) and the private parts turn that into reality or refrain from submitting to the temptation” (Al-Bukhari 8, 609).

Prevalence of Illegal Sex

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “From among the portents of the hour is that (open) illegal sexual intercourse will prevail, and men will decrease in number while women will increase” (Al-Bukhari 8, 800A).

This hadith of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) very accurately describes our current state of affairs. San Francisco and Sydney are famous for their “gay liberation” celebrations. Nudist colonies, escort agencies, pornography, teenage pregnancies, and adultery are so common that people seem to be fighting a losing battle against this tidal wave of immorality and have come to accept all of these activities as the “modern generation.”

Furthermore, with each generation, the level and availability of lewdness is increasing; for example, pornography is available in our homes on TV and the Internet, thus affecting the mindset of our children from an early age. Homosexuality is gaining support throughout many parts of the world. Some advocates of the gay movement are claiming that they are born gay. This is a ruse to cover their shameful behavior. Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. Allah Most High created everything in pairs, male and female. Anyone who goes against this plan will be answerable to Allah Most High.

The above verses from the Qur’an and various hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) clearly indicate that both fornication and adultery are forbidden in Islam; furthermore, the long-term harm of these acts far outweigh and short-term momentary gratification.

In simple terms, the Islamic requirement is as follows:

1- Boys and girls should not have sex before they are married

2- Sex is only permissible between legally married partners

3- Within the arena of the marriage contract, sex is a sacred, private, and personal act between the married couple only; this means that the husband and wife should guard their “bedroom secrets” from all prying ears and eyes.

4- Neither of the partners is allowed to have sex with anyone else. This means that neither the husband nor the wife can indulge in the un-Islamic practices of wife swapping parties, visiting prostitutes, or having sex with another married or single person.

5- If the husband is legally married to more than one wife (up to a maximum of four) then he is legally allowed to have sex with all four wives provided that he treats all of them equally.

6- When in doubt about anything, use the Qur’an and the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) to give clarity on any matter.

Role of Parents

Children are bombarded with un-Islamic ideas and images from many sources.

Our children are faced daily with images from TV, movies, videos, Internet, newspapers, magazines, books, and friends about the “sexual revolution.” Their young minds are being brainwashed with ideas that morals, modesty, and values are old-fashioned. If we do not tell our children about the facts of life and what is acceptable moral behavior from a cultural, and, more importantly, from an Islamic viewpoint, then we should share the blame with our children if they become ensnared in the vices of sex, drugs, teenage pregnancy, prostitution, alcohol, and gambling. The methodology should be as follows:

Advice to a Preteen Daughter

Your body is now undergoing various changes that will prepare you to be a woman. With these changes comes the responsibility that you will one day be a mother. Your body will undergo various changes in the size of your breasts, face, height, weight, as well as the onset of a flow of menstrual blood on a regular basis every month-this is nothing to be scared of, it is Allah Most High’s miracle, where your womb is made ready every month to receive an egg for fertilization.

These changes are coming much earlier in this generation compared to a few decades ago. Children are maturing much faster than we can ever imagine. In previous generations, young girls started menstruating from the age of 13 years; today, girls as young as 9 years are beginning to menstruate. This means that if you have sex at this age, you can become pregnant. If you become pregnant at this age, your life will be shattered and the whole course of your life will be changed. Your dreams, goals, and wishes to pursue a career may have to be postponed or abandoned forever.

You must be happy with your own body. Your body will undergo various hormonal changes, which will lead to emotional changes and mood fluctuations as well as pimples. This is a time for conflict with everyone, and parents have to restrain themselves and discuss issues with love and understanding. The main word of caution for you is to avoid peer pressure from your friends, who will encourage you to start experimenting with kissing and sex. Some teenagers can make very hurtful remarks and may make you feel very isolated if you do not participate. Don’t listen to them. You must have enough confidence in yourself that you are following the commands laid down by Allah Most High and you should simply say “No, I am not interested.” It will be a decision that you will never regret.

Particularly avoid the older boys and men. They will shower you with gifts, flowers, and false proclamations of love, but they are simply throwing out a net to get you into bed so that you lose your virginity. They will then dump you and go to the next unsuspecting girl. You will have lost various personal things in the process:

1. You will have lost your virginity.

2. You will have contravened the Qur’anic injunction not to commit fornication (zina).

3. You may well have gained an unwanted pregnancy (many girls still have the mistaken myth that they cannot fall pregnant after their first sexual encounter.)

4. You may have gained a sexually transmitted disease (including HIV/AIDS). There are no cures for some sexual diseases: herpes and genital warts, for example. Some diseases, if not properly treated, can lead to infertility and you will not be able to have children. Or they lead to an increased incidence of cancer of the cervix (entrance to the womb).

Advice to a Preteen Son

Your body is undergoing various changes that will prepare you to enter adulthood so that one day you can be a father. You will notice changes in your voice; you may develop acne and hair on various parts of your body. Nocturnal emission is common at this age, as well as mood swings. Your natural body odors will increase, so it is important for you to bathe regularly and pay special attention to personal hygiene. Your body will be growing rapidly and you will need to eat a lot, exercise a lot, and sleep a lot to allow your body to gain maximum physical benefits.

You will be encouraged or ridiculed by some of your friends to have sex with a girl. You should be confident in your abilities as a freethinking individual to make your own choices based on the Qur’an and the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). You should treat all girls and women with respect, kindness, and courtesy-not as a commodity that can be used, abused, and thrown aside.

You will see advertisements on TV and in newspapers and magazines that in order to avoid HIV/AIDS, you should use a condom. Remember that this is not what Islam teaches us. Islam says safe sex is “no sex before marriage.” Indulge in all activities that will develop your mind, body, and spirit within the framework of Islam. These are wonderful years that you are going through, free of responsibility (except the homework!). Try to be the best “you” you can be.

The Quran is a source of guidance and truth.

Conclusion

Allah Most High has given mankind free will. We all have to make choices in life. However, life offers us a whole banquet of choices and delicacies that sometimes lead to a state of utter confusion or paralysis.

What is the right decision?

Whom should I please?

What is fashionable?

Will my decision open me to ridicule?

An undecided person is always a victim of circumstance, a pawn in the hands of the fashion trendsetters. The ones at peace are those individuals who use the Qur’an and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) as the compass to set the right course and to differentiate right from wrong.

There is much good in this wonderful world; however, there are many temptations. Temptations are present as a test for all of us. Ultimately, we are the decision-makers. We can only make informed decisions based on knowledge. Many governments are now firmly advocating the policies of virginity, no sex before marriage, no adultery, and so on, in a desperate attempt to re-kindle the value systems of prior generations.

The beauty of Islam is that the instructions and guidelines contained in the Qur’an are valid forever and are immune to the vicissitudes of the latest trend. Allah Most High created us. It therefore follows that He knows what is best for us. I do hope that this brief discussion has thrown some light on this very vast topic. I also hope that the current generation of teens and preteens who are often faced with difficult choices will have a clearer foundation on which to base their decisions.

Finally, a new generation of preteens is developing. It is our collective responsibility, as a community and a nation, to give clear guidelines to our youth. Our youth is our future and our destiny. May Allah Most High, Most Gracious, worthy of all praise, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, guide us, and our youth to a path that is straight.

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Dr Ahmed Adam is a medical doctor by profession. He has four university degrees in the fields of science and medicine.

Source: IslamOnline.net
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