Archive for April, 2010

HOUSTON – NASA suffered its second catastrophic dropping accident in less than a week when a balloon carrying a massive cake malfunctioned this morning, sending the confection plunging 300 feet to its destruction in a Houston parking lot.

An unidentified taxpayer on the ground was killed.

In an ironic twist, the cake (which will be featured on an upcoming episode of G4 TV’s reality show Cakes That Don’t Suck), was meant to commemorate NASA’s new cost-saving space-balloon program. Designed to resemble the balloon that carried it, the cake cost an estimated twenty million dollars or, in NASA terms, about the price of launching a rocket instead of a balloon.

Middleton added, “Don’t we all have a giant screen to look at somewhere?”

The incident has some questioning why NASA chose to transport the fragile cake by balloon rather than van or truck, as is customary in the cake-delivery industry. Given that NASA vehicles often take months or even years to reach their destinations, one wonders why the space agency should be trusted to deliver anything.

President Obama weighed in on the issue at a press conference a few hours ago, responding to a reporter’s question with, “Whatev.”

A visibly angry Satherhood dismissed the President’s comments.

“We all know he likes pie better than cake, so I’m sure the whole thing is a big, funny joke at the White House.”

Americans may remember Obama campaigned for president in 2008 on a promise of “Death to Cakes!” Many voters who had supported him now feel disenchanted, as the administration has become distracted by sideshow issues like health-care and banking reform and high unemployment.

Authorities are searching for the identity of the dead taxpayer, who was killed when the 700-pound cake landed on him.

“He’s all covered with icing,” said NASA’s chief medical examiner Leonard McCoy. “How the hell am I supposed to tell who he is? I’m a doctor, not a confectioner!”

And what about the baker, Burgess Meredith of Sir Cakes-a-Lot Inc, who painstakingly constructed the monstrous dessert by hand? He claims to have seen his cakes destroyed before, usually by a knife, so he harbors no anger toward the space agency that wrecked this one. He attributes the accident to the same youthful enthusiasm that drove man to reach for the stars in the first place.

“Ah, the young,” he says. “Why do they never listen? When will they ever learn?”

A similar accident occurred two days ago at a NASA balloon launch in Australia, but the only loss was a telescope, which are available at Toys R Us according to the clerk who answered a call to the store.

The two malfunctions in rapid succession cast doubt on NASA’s plan to travel to Mars by hot-air balloon in 2030. Many point to a shortage of anti-gravity paint as the source of the space agency’s recent woes.

Environmentalists around the world are hurt and disappointed a week has passed without so much as an email from the planet acknowledging the effort behind the Earth Day festivities of April 22nd.

The annual world-wide event is often credited with encouraging ordinary citizens to mean well about the environment for as many as two days afterward. Also, thousands of whales are saved from embarrassment each year, as they often promise skeptical relatives they will appear on chintzy T-shirts one day and are finally vindicated.

“It’s not just us who are mad,” says Greenpeace activist Patchouli Johnson. “Think of all the companies that had to ramp up production of plastic giveaways and the endless silk-screening that had to be done for the nylon tote bags. That represents a lot of hard work.”

This isn’t the first controversy associated with Earth Day.

During the 2003 celebration, Earth proved to be an angry drunk, vomiting on the floor of a portable toilet in Washington D.C. and then punching former Vice President Al Gore, who had rushed to help, according to witnesses. Afterward, the 8000-mile-thick planet collapsed, which resulted in catastrophic worldwide tsunamis and a series of devastating quakes that together killed over 40 million people.

“We were just starting to get over that clusterf*ck,” Johnson, 24, said as her eyes grew teary, “and now this happens. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

Later, after I took her to a bar and got her sh*tfaced (but not too sh*tfaced, if you know what I mean), Johnson admitted to having shown outward distress and concern over the massive death toll in ’03 but secretly feeling a sick thrill every time the body count was revised upward. “They were mostly people from third-world countries, where life is cheap,” she said before downing her fourth shot of anything-I-put-in-front-of-her. “So, like, whatever.”

Some think the Earth’s message to us already came in the form of the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland, which disrupted air travel throughout much of the western hemisphere. Scientists are divided as to whether our planet is angry or just rude.

Self-described amateur vulcanologist Pinky Middleton would gladly dispense with Earth Day events if he had his way.

“What did the Earth ever do for me?” he says. “Has it gotten me a girlfriend? Has it gotten my braces off? Has it gotten the Deep Space Nine movie greenlit?”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when he discovered I didn’t want to talk about the planet Vulcan or Star Trek in general but was there to discuss volcanoes, which he knows nothing about.

Some “green” groups have chosen not to get mad but to get even. The militant environmental organization Earth First has officially changed its name to Moon First and is already in the planning stages of counter-event next April to be called (you guessed it) Moon Day. Organizers say they intend to serve whale burgers on Styrofoam plates.

NEW YORK – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the industrialized world, publishers and mortal enemies Merriam-Webster and Oxford have teamed up to create an all-new type of dictionary that will bring major changes to the way English speakers look up words.

The companies announced at a press conference yesterday they will begin printing dictionaries with pictures in order to enhance the understanding of terms.

“With the rapid degradation of cognitive faculty across all facets of society,” said Oxford president Sir Henry Oxford-Benaventure-Hastings, “we’re compelled to acquiesce to this retrograde progression and will begin incorporating images to abet the intellectually impaired in comprehending heretofore simple words that dare breach the monosyllabic boundary.”

After spouting that and more mumbo jumbo none of us was able to understand, Sir Oxford-Benaventure-Hastings showed reporters a galley copy of the upcoming edition. The consensus among those present was the changes were “nice.”

The publishers admit the initiative was fraught with challenges.

“We asked ourselves, ‘How do we illustrate the word asshat?’” said Miriam Merriam, granddaughter of somebody dead. “Initially we were thinking ‘John Edwards,’ but I did sleep with him a couple times, so that would make running into him at a party even weirder than it already is.”

Reporters who rushed to look up “pussy” and “tit” were greeted by the image of a cat and a tiny mirror, respectively.

Though news of the changes sparked rejoicing in the streets, church bells ringing day and night, and the declaration of an international holiday that will dwarf Christmas in popularity, not everyone was pleased.

“This is the final nail in the coffin of dictionary integrity,” laments angry weirdo Pinky Middleton. “It all started with the inclusion of definitions. The root word of ‘dictionary’ is ‘diction,’ which means ‘pronunciation.’ It’s not called a ‘definitionary,’ is it?”

Middleton says he plans to self-immolate tomorrow along with his 1853 first printing of Oxford’s Book of English Diction, Queen Victoria Edition. Flowers can be sent to the Barking Pig Funeral Home in Dorkchester, West Essex, England.

Cleveland, Ohio native Bucky Weederman was more enthused.

“I’ve been joking that pictures of people’s faces are next to things in the dictionary for years,” says Weederman. “Now they won’t be able to say, ‘You freaking dumb-ass, there ARE no pictures in the dictionary.’”

It should be noted they will still be able to punch him in the face.

The 2011 edition of Oxford-Webster’s New International Enhanced Dictionary goes on sale in September. It will be 9000 pages and weigh 55 pounds, and it is expected to carry an MSRP of $499.99 in the United States.

QUANTUM WASHINGTON – Yesterday, in the alternate universe, President John McCain was stabbed in the heart by Vice President Sarah Palin while the pair was touring the ruins of Quantum Teheran following Quantum America’s unprovoked nuclear attack. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Palin was sworn in as president within the hour by Death Squad Commander Sean Hannity, though Hannity was later beheaded by Ensign Pavol Chekov in an act of apparent usurpation.

President Palin was whisked back to the Quantum US, where she quickly executed McCain’s surviving cabinet members and shaved her pointy beard.

From the White House there, the new President promised Americans a smooth leadership transition as well as a renewed focus on job creation and energy independence.

“President McCain was a naïve old fool and he died badly for it,” said a winking Palin. “Should Americans feel good about the future? You betcha!”

Palin also demanded each American family sacrifice a goat in her honor or face “unpleasant” repercussions.

In a show of authority, Palin took a sniper rifle atop the 30-foot-high concrete security wall surrounding the White House to help repel a daring daylight attack led by liberal terrorist, revolutionary, and television pundit Keith Olbermann.

Olbermann, who survived, later claimed on his show, Countdown to Assassination, that President Palin was today’s “Worst person in the wooooorld!”

“Does he think what happened up in Iran was bad?” Palin asked in response. “The Iranis had it easy!”

It is widely believed Palin encouraged the annihilation of Quantum Iran so she’d no longer have to say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s name, a task which often left her confused and tired.

Here in our universe, Americans are often shocked at the degree of violence exhibited by our quantum counterparts, but assassinations and overthrows are considered business-as-usual there. Quantum humans also frequently start angry, ranting political movements in which people hold up logic-defying posters depicting presidents in the likeness of Hitler and carry signs covered with hysterical misspellings. Also, Quantum Republican and Democratic politicians often tell savage lies and run manipulative and deceptive advertisements, in contrast to here, where politicians only ever engage in civil and respectful debate and ordinary Americans value intelligent discourse over clueless shouting.

However, it’s a mistake to think of us as good and quantum humans as evil. For example, it is unclear whether their Sarah Palin or our Sarah Palin is the evil one.

When approached for comment on alternate Palin’s hostile takeover, quantum man-on-the-street Pinky Middleton turned wide-eyed with fear and silently shook his head in a way that suggested, “Get the hell away from me. They’ll kill me if they see me talking to you.”

Alternate universes are generally thought to be created when hot-but-strangely-creepy doctors named Juliet Burke smash a hydrogen bomb with a rock. However, a small number of scientists disagree, believing such universes have long existed and are accidentally discovered during transporter malfunctions.

How can smashing an H-bomb create an alternate universe? Quantum physicists expect to have an answer by 11 pm on May 23rd, though few people will likely be satisfied by their conclusion.

WASHINGTON – As reported in the Huffington Post yesterday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) used the word “bizarre” in a conversation involving President Obama on the television show Fox News Sunday.

During a call to McConnell’s office made prior to even rudimentary fact-checking, we were told by a nervous, lying staffer, “I’m sure he meant ‘bazaar,’ as in ‘church bazaar.’”

The staffer went on to say, “The senator collects yarn toilet-paper cozies as well as pine-cone-and-felt angels. He especially enjoys their little pipe-cleaner wings.”

The growing scandal was muted somewhat when another of McConnell’s words became available. It turns out the Kentucky senator had said it was unlikely Republicans would filibuster Obama’s Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, unless the President’s choice was “really bizarre.”

At a press conference today, McConnell was asked to clarify who he considered ‘bizarre.’

“Well, Spongebob, perhaps,” said McConnell. “That would be bizarre.”

He is believed to have been referring to Hawaii’s first-circuit-court judge Spongebob Squarepants, who is known for offering lenient punishments and taking a forgiving approach toward repeat offenders. Squarepants was embroiled in controversy last year for commuting the sentence of serial-burglar Sheldon Plankton, who was later rearrested for attempting to rob the same restaurant for the tenth time.

“We will definitely filibuster any activist judge Obama tries to shove down our throats,” McConnell might have said if we’d baited him.

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, who herself has been talked about as a potential nominee, urged President Obama to consider looking outside the judiciary pool for his eventual candidate. “How about one of the actors on Law and Order? They seem pretty judgy.”

Most Americans don’t care who ends up on the Supreme Court. Although, to be honest, we only asked one person and picked the stupidest looking one at that.

“The Supareem Court? Are they those rifle guys in England that wear the buffalo-lodge hats and red jackets and never laugh?” asks Madge Tool, who readers might recognize from watching sixty-year-old hookers get arrested on Cops.

However small their number, some concerned citizens have very definite ideas about who should get the nod.

Says 19-year-old college sophomore Pinky Middleton, a political science/criminal justice double major who follows current events closely, “Please please please let it be Megan Fox. Dude, how hot would that be?”

The President has repeatedly said he will choose someone with a strong judicial record and expects broad bipartisan support, though sources close to the White House say Obama’s inside favorite to replace Stevens is The Antichrist. While it’s a choice that will likely result in a protracted and sometimes contentious Senate confirmation process, most pundits believe the nomination will eventually go through.

Before Republicans get too comfortable throwing around accusations of bizarrehood (as interpreted by this news organization), they would do well to remember the previous administration’s odd choice of John Roberts, who is actually a hive of nanobots in the shape of a human. Readers may recall that, during the President’s State of the Union address in January, Chief Justice Roberts broke up into a black swarm cloud and attacked a congressional page after Obama suggested the court had acted irresponsibly in a recent decision.

MARYLAND – Talking amphibians. Stacks of money with eyeballs. Guys in suits staring at the camera and asking questions intoned like a 1940s film-noir detective.

Oh, and Cavemen. Lots and lots and lots of cavemen.

If you’ve watched TV in the past five years, you may have found yourself wondering three things:

1.) How many companies are called “Geico,” because no sane advertising director would run 300 ad campaigns for the same product, would he?

2.) If I were going to switch my car insurance to Geico, wouldn’t I have done it by now?

3.) If it turns out the people on Lost have been dead all this time, how pissed will I be?

Now, it seems, the first question has been answered.

Paul Nutz, Geico’s Director of Advertising, has been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). This, coupled with an apparently unlimited budget and absolutely no management oversight, might explain why an estimated seven million Geico commercials run every minute of every day in the United States.

When pressed for documentation on the ad campaign’s cost-to-return ratio, ‘Gigi’ said, “My mommy says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

Later, when we called Nutz’s office again, ‘Brad’ answered, claiming to be a college freshman studying on a lacrosse scholarship. “Dude, cavemen RAWK!” was all he was willing to say in response to questions about the company’s future marketing plans.

Despite so many high-profile sufferers of Multiple Personality Disorder, including Nutz, all politicians, and most women, little is known about the condition.

“MPD is caused by,” says psychologist Mark Drab, before I turned my recorder off because I was bored.

“You know,” says Geico customer service rep Pinky Middleton on a topic irrelevant to this article, “There’s nothing special or cool or hip about this place. It’s an office building where we sell insurance. That’s it. I promise you there are no funny cavemen running around here.”

Leaning over from the next cubicle, Middleton’s coworker Betty Fingerbang adds, “There are no funny cavemen anywhere.”

One can only assume she was offering a wry comment mocking her company’s humor-starved Caveman ads.

Later, Nutz contacted The Anvil to offer an apology for his behavior.

“I’m sorry about before, with the voices and the personalities,” he said. “Sometimes I forget to take my meds.”

Then, switching to a French accent, he said, “This is inspector Jacques Bordeaux and I am about to reveal the murderer. It’s someone standing IN THIS VERY ROOM!”

‘Bordeaux’ went on to explain Geico’s next commercial, to be run concurrently with the 227 different ones already airing, which will feature a French detective. He also promised a 24-hour all-Geico-commercial cable channel, a new HBO series starring the little pile of money with eyeballs (get ready for those fat royalty checks, Rockwell), and a new 3D blockbuster movie about Geckos selling insurance.

When we attempted to contact Dr. Jones to find out who the real Nutz is, his receptionist said the doctor had gone missing.

ATHENS – A radical Pagan group calling itself The Twelve Labors posted a warning on its website yesterday for Warner Brothers Studios and the filmmakers behind the current box office hit, Clash of the Titans.

According to the site, Pagans are offended at the depiction of the underworld god Hades in the film, who is shown to be violent and vindictive.

“Hades is not Satan,” says the website in an open-letter format to Warner Brothers. “He’s an unhappily married god with the [expletive deleted] job of managing the underworld. He’s sort of a sitcom character.”

A photo on the website shows the ruins of an ancient Greek temple over a caption that reads, “This will be you!”

Malcolm Jamal-Warner and Dr. Joyce Brothers, co-founders of Warner Brothers Studios, issued a joint response that was anything but contrite:

“We made a Greek mythology movie. And we wish to go on making Greek mythology movies until your heads spin and you seethe with such fury that your hearts explode and your souls whither, but not before you suffer the torment of ten-thousand screaming deaths.”

Two Clash sequels are already in the works, Another Clash of the Titans and Harold and Kumar go to Sparta.

“We don’t like the word ‘mythology,’” says mainstream Pagan Pinky Middleton of Charon’s Crossing, Iowa. “But other than that, people need to chill. I think these radicals are a bit, you know, radical.”

Middleton is one of many Roman Pagans who are generally viewed as more tolerant than their Greek counterparts. Rather than issue a death threat when offended, Romans traditionally demand the offending party go to the ends of the Earth to find and retrieve a golden ram’s fleece. This practice has largely fallen by the wayside in recent years, as golden rams are endangered and would-be hunters risk a poaching conviction, which can carry a fine of $100,000 dollars and five years in prison.

WASHINGTON – President Obama said yesterday he was not going to subject his unnamed Supreme Court nominee to a litmus test, angering many Republicans on Capitol Hill.

“How else will we know if [the nominee] is a witch?” asked Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “This is a clear case of the President circumventing the Constitution for his liberal agenda. It’s clearly a SLAM against the time-honored litmus.”

When questioned how Obama’s comments qualified as a SLAM, McConnell said, “Either you’re with us or it’s a SLAM.”

Linguists note that “disagreeing with,” “objecting to,” and “criticizing” have fallen out of use in recent years, leading to an inordinate amount of SLAMMING, according to the headlines of Yahoo News, Huffington Post, and other popular online news journals.

Democrats were quick to defend the President’s vicious attack.

“Litmus tests are f****** retarded,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, in a clear reference to a previous incident that hasn’t been topical for months.

Conservatives took to the airwaves in droves to SLAM the President. Commentator Glenn Beck said on his popular FOX News television show, I’m Bat-Sh*t Crazy, “The litmus test is as American as apple pie. And I love America.”

After tearing up, Beck added with a cracking voice, “I’m sorry. When I see litmus tests under attack, I see my country under attack.”

But do some Republican critics have a short memory? Yes, say historians.

Professor Brent Musket of Rutgers University in New Jersey is one of the nation’s leading presidential historians. “Back during the George W. Bush administration, in September of 2005, President Bush made a litmus test claim very similar to Obama’s in regard to his selection of then-nominee John Roberts. Where was the outrage then?”

Not so fast, says angry ranter Pinky Middleton, whose senseless opinion carries equal weight to that of an expert. “I don’t want to hear the lies of some highfalutin’ college professor. Maybe Obama should turn that litmus test on hisself!”

When reached at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, former President Bush said, “Who gives a flying f***? What matters is solid juris… juris… prudential… jurissa… pru… what matters is good judging.”

Most test kits the company sells are table-top models, but Bunkpaste gets the occasional order for a full-sized version, mostly for overseas sales.

“We used to do government orders, but it’s fallen out of favor in America,” she says wistfully. “I thought maybe Obama was different…”

In a litmus test, bla bla bla, leading to a test strip turning blue or red. It is believed by some that the test can reveal whether a Supreme Court nominee will lean conservative (red) or progressive (blue). Those people are hopeless idiots.

The last president to perform a litmus test was Bill Clinton. It ended in tragedy when the nominee, Sophia Loren, had a severe allergic reaction to the chemicals and died.

Tell me if this sounds familiar, girls: You finally meet that great guy. He’s sweet and charming, and you actually don’t hate his mother that much. You’ve only been together a week? No problem. He’s The One, so why not move in together?

At first it’s like heaven on Earth. He drops all his interests and friends just to spend every minute worshipping you. Though he looks hurt when it happens, he recognizes you’re right to throw away his Star Wars toys… er, collectibles. It’s time for him to grow up.

By now, you think you’re firmly in charge, but, in fact, you’ve simply been hypnotized by blissful complacency. Only after it’s too late do you notice something is different. Indeed, wrong.

Your women’s intuition tells you he may have found someone else, but you need to know for sure before you make a move. Here are the five key signs he may be cheating, compiled by our team of experts.*

5. You’re reading an internet blog about men cheating

If you have time to surf the internet, you’re either at work or you have run out of ways to take over his life, which means you’ve reached that critical relationship stage called “inertia.” You either need to find a new way to dominate him or get out. Oh, if you’re at work, he’s probably at home f*****g somebody else.

4. He keeps calling you Jessica when your name is Lacy

What excuse did he use? I’m just curious. They always come up with classics. “You remind me of this really beautiful supermodel I knew named Jessica.” That was a laugher. Or how about, “I meant to say ‘gesticulate.’ You know, you should gesticulate more often.” Then you ask him to define ‘gesticulate,’ and he looks at you like an idiot. But you’re too tired to argue, and a little drunk, so you just go back to sleep.

3. He stops sneaking porn

Though you find porn icky and exploitative, except when you watch it (then it’s ok), you don’t really mind him ogling those girls, because they’re unattainable. Besides, they wear tons of make-up, so who knows what they really look like? Girlfriend, you are a complete person with your own spirit, so how can they compare to your inner beauty, which is what really matters? But suddenly he loses interest in adult entertainment. Why? Is he making his own tapes now? Keep patrolling the amateur porn sites, girls. You never know when a familiar face is going to pop up.

2. You find women’s panties shoved behind the dresser

Sure, they’re your size and your brand, but you don’t recall buying the green ones. Do you? You were sure you had gotten the red ones or the blue ones. Then you hold them up and realize how big the ass that fills them must be. And you think, “No wonder he’s screwing somebody else. I’m a fat pig.”

1. You come home and find him in bed, naked, with another woman

You want to believe him when he says, “It’s so weird. I went to bed alone and, when I woke up, she was just lying there. Let me drive her back to the mental hospital.” You want to believe everything he says, because he has that great smile and he lets you call him cute names in public. Plus you put so much work into him, you can’t stand the thought of starting over with someone else.

That’s it, ladies. Pay attention to these five sign and… you know what? Forget the five signs. If he’s a man, he’s cheating. And if he’s not cheating, it’s because he’s a repulsive loser and YOU are the only sad, pathetic wretch who’s willing to sleep with him.

How’s that for your self-esteem?

* Due to budget constraints, our usual experts have been sacked. Our new experts are a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a gallon jug of red “table” wine.

Whether it’s The Anvil, a venerable, 270-year-old institution with hundreds of employees, or a no-budget upstart like The Onion, which is run from a $300 laptop by an unemployed “communications specialist” (whatever that means), fake-news organizations depend on wringing laughs and irony from serious topics of the day.

Politics and celebrity are natural sources of inspiration for fake news, given the exaggerated personalities and near-constant controversy involved. Science and religion can also spur satire, although in the latter case it is important to avoid editorializing or displaying veiled hostility, because religious people are wackos who might kill you. Despite, to this heathen’s knowledge, none of your gods (which can’t all be the true god) tolerating murder. Furthermore…

[Just get on with it – Ed.]

Then what of natural disasters? Sure it’s funny when people you don’t know get hurt or killed, but that kind of humor often requires the “sight gag” to be successful, such as news footage of an exploding car or police officers beating an innocent man. However, unlike earthquakes and tornados, volcanoes seldom kill, and most people claim lava footage is “beautiful,” a word that is damn near the opposite of funny. For example, Esquire magazine’s Thirty Most Beautiful Women in the World list could easily bear the alternate title, The Thirty Least-Funny Women in the World.

“It’s been tough,” said The Anvil’s head writer, Eric J Baker. “I’ve been wracking my brain for a week trying to think of a funny volcano idea, and I just can’t.”

After taking a drag of his unfiltered cigarette and a swig of bourbon from the bottle next to his Clark-Nova typewriter, Baker added, “If I were to post a fake-news article about Iceland’s volcano today, it would be a week late and seven dollars short. You have to be topical in this business.”

That doesn’t mean others haven’t tried. Fake-news journalist [name deleted for legal reasons] wrote a false volcano story for last Friday’s edition of [name deleted for legal reasons] that critics are calling “horrifically unfunny” and “An embarrassment to [himself/herself] and all [his/her] readers.”

The article was so painful to read, say sources, an angry mob burned the writer’s house down and blew up [his/her] car with [him/her] in it. In an ironic twist, the entire attack was caught on film, rendering it hilarious.