Is She or Isn’t She? Who is Single at Heart and Why Does It Matter?

Readers really got into the topic of my last post, Single-at-heart readers, take a look at this! (It is very short, in case you want to (re)read it before continuing.) In it, a woman wrote to an advice columnist saying she had a fabulous relationship with a man she had been seeing for years, but she sees herself as a free spirit and sometimes wonders if she is "just not meant to be in a relationship." Now here's the part of her letter that took my breath away: Referring to her occasional sense of wanting to stay single, she asked the columnist, "Is what I am feeling normal?"

That's right. In the 21st century, when more than 100 million adults - just counting those in the United States - are single, when Americans spend more years of their adult lives unmarried than married, a fully grown and thoughtful adult can ask, in all seriousness, whether it is "normal" to have positive feelings about living single.

We are living in a time when people who have feelings for others of the same sexknow that plenty of others have those feelings, too. They could learn, if they did not already know, that the standard reference for psychiatric disorders, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, no longer considers homosexuality as something "abnormal." True, there is still lots of stigmatizing and bullying of GLBT individuals, but there are also very prominent leaders and celebrities who will stand up for them and assure them that "It Gets Better."

The letter writer (who calls herself ILE) does not know if it is normal to feel good about living single. The columnist does not seem surprised by her question. After all these years of studying singlism, I shouldn't be surprised. Yet I'm astonished.

Here's something else that makes ILE's letter powerful: It cannot be dismissed as sour grapes. Practitioners of singlism like to claim that happy single people are just deluding themselves; they know they are actually losers who can't "find anyone" and so they deceive themselves into believing that they really want to be single, and then they try to persuade others, too. Can't say that about ILE. She adores the man she is thinking of marrying, even saying, "My heart still flutters when I am around him. It's perfect. Really." She has been in a serious romantic relationship with him for years.

On the radio show on the Boston NPR station, the advice columnist and I discussed the issues raised by ILE and fielded phone calls. The response was amazing. The phone lines lit up, and by the time the segment ended, many callers still did not get a chance to have their say - we ran out of time. I'm not sure what to make of the fact that of the callers who did get on the air (they are the ones who called in first, I think), all of them were men.

So is ILE single at heart? We did not discuss that directly, and actually, I don't think that's the most important issue. What I wanted to do was to get the idea of single at heart out there. Think of all the conversations we have in our media, in national debates and discussions, and in our everyday lives, about things like marriage and coupling and finding "The One." Where are our discussions of people who embrace single life? Where are the role models who get media attention? Mostly they are missing. No wonder ILE can think fondly about single life and wonder if there is something wrong with her.

I appreciated the readers of this blog who posted comments asking why we need to chose between savoring solitude and enjoying sociability. For me, one of the true joys of single life is pursuing just the right mix of solitude and sociability that is optimal for me. Theoretically, you should be able to do that if you are married (or in a serious romantic relationship), too. But, I think, it is harder if you are married. That's not because of the inherent nature of marriage - marriage practices change all the time. But in contemporary American society, many couples practice what I call "intensive coupling." Some of them (not all) really do want to be each other's everything. If one person wants to spend time alone or with friends or family, there is a risk that the other will take that as an affront. There is some evidence that coupling is now becoming a bit less intensive, but it is still a different experience than it was decades ago when each person expected to spend time away from the other.

It is complicated for ILE because she is already in a serious long-term romantic relationship, and she has never discussed her longing for alone-time with her partner. She worries that if she broaches the topic, her partner will take it the wrong way. (I love what "single1" said about this in the Comments section: If ILE did bring up the matter, maybe her partner would say that he feels the same way! It's a risk, of course.) Looking toward the future, I want the single-at-heart option to be one that gets known and discussed. I want it to be so familiar that discussing single-at-heart longings would be a totally natural thing to do early on in a romantic relationship. Mostly, I would like people who feel positively about living single to never, ever wonder if they are "normal"!

I've been following the Living Single blog for some time now and decided to speak about my feeling that I might be "single at heart" to the man I'm getting married to. Interestingly, he feels the same way, that he might be "single at heart" as well. We talked about how, under any other circumstances, we probably would not even be getting married but would be content maybe sleeping over once in a while and living close by to each other. The problem, though, is that because of culture and religion, my family would not accept that. Fortunately, since we both agree on the essential idea behind being single at heart, we are prepared to give each other the space and understanding we require. Our dream is to be able to get a place large enough to accommodate both of us as singles, but for the time being we're okay with getting a two bedroom place and trying our best to not impede the other's lifestyle. I don't know yet if we're doing the right thing, but I guess we'll find out...

The issue that you ought to be exploring with more intensity is not the issue of your living arrangements, it is the issue of why you feel compelled to get married because "my family would not accept that" (your statement that you probabaly would not even be getting married).

I do understand your point. And, I suppose it's hard for people in the dominant U.S. American culture to understand the dynamic between family and personal choice in other cultures. In my culture, if you want to be around someone, if you want them in your life, it is not acceptable to just live-in with them or have sex with them and go your separate ways. But I think the most important element for me is that, if this man was not as understanding about my feelings and me, I would not even be going to the extent of letting him be in my life. I want him in my life, just not necessarily at close quarters and intensively involved like many people who are getting married do. Because he understands my ideas about my lifestyle and supports them, this feels a lot more acceptable for me. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. There are worse things than choosing to separate. I may be misconstruing the the concept of "single at heart," and that would be a fair criticism. I do feel, though, that if both parties are on the same page, it is an arrangement that can work out. We don't have the money of Bonham carter and Burton, but with what we can afford, we'll find out how it works.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live in separate houses connected by a walkway. Their children live with the nannies in another separate house thats also connected by a walkway. It sounds like the best of both worlds to me. There are married people who live apart. I'm not sure how that works with kids.

Haha well if you have the money of Helena Bonham Carter and Time Burton, that is the ultimate situation! I do know married people who live separately, but none of them have kids. I do imagine that would complicate the arrangement significantly. Also I don't know any "regular" married people who choose to live separately close by each other-- the people I know are forced to do it for career reasons, etc. I think living close together but in separate quarters would be the BEST though.

People are spending more time single, and are more likely to be single, than in previous generations. Yet, as far as we know, remaining single is rarely considered a serious option. An interesting dichotomy. I wonder, has there been any recent research into peoples' attitudes towards remaining single. Wonder if maybe peoples' attitudes are in fact starting to change.

The "deluding yourself" argument is the same sort of lazy logic that you see with the "you won't know if you don't try" argument, in that it can be used for or against ANYTHING.

I also wonder about the differences between those who are single at heart and those who are happy being single but still looking for a partner. It would seem that the particular strategy one would follow regarding increasing acceptance of singles would depend upon which of the two groups one had in mind.

I also agree that one of the greatest benefits of being single is being able to calibrate the amount of solitude and sociability that's right for you. When you're in a relationship, there will be limits to what you can do on the solitude side.

P
I also wonder about the differences between those who are single at heart and those who are happy being single but still looking for a partner. It would seem that the particular strategy one would follow regarding increasing acceptance of singles would depend upon which of the two groups one had in mind.

I think that if you are actively "looking" for a partner, you aren't actually "happy" being single. I think there's a difference between looking for a partner and being open to having a partner. Further, I think there's a big difference in what is meant by "partner." Is it a shorter term romantic relationship? An unmarried couple situation? A legal marriage? Any of the above following a traditional standard of the "couple" lifestyle? Any of the above with modifications to that lifestyle? The more I read about this concept of "single at heart," the less I think it has to do with how someone feels about being romantically or sexually involved with another person, or even how they feel about commitment or monogamy, but rather what type of lifestyle they are willing to accept as part of that.

There was an old Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Elaine wanted to be sexually involved but remain friends, and Jerry says, "because THAT (sex) is not really sleep, and I don't understand why sleep became all tangled up in THAT" and I think that really applies to everything when it comes to romantic relationships: why do you have to sleep in the same bed? live in the same house? go to family events together? do the same things? eat the same food? combine your laundry? file taxes jointly? What do any of those things have to do with THAT?

I'm so sick of being asked if I'm seeing anyone in every setting I attend. It makes me feel so strange when I feel like others have this expectation of me that I'm not meeting. And even though I don't feel strange about it, others feel strange about it which inevitably makes me feel uncomfortable and strange. Makes me not want to go to gatherings any more because I don't want to be subjected to this intensive scrutiny and all of the assumptions that people make about what I want in life. This has been the biggest source of pain in my life over the last ten years - not that I'm single, but the way people treat me because I choose to be single.

I still go the hospital once a week for hydrotherapy and there's a group of us who are regulars and have become friends. Most of us are older--at 47 I'm a youngster. Yesterday my neighbor, who goes at the same time I do, was telling me about our new neighbor who is a recently widowed man. He found out that our condo complex is inhabited by 40% single women, and he moved here to find a mate. He's appalled to find out that hardly any of the single women his age are interested! They're all perfectly happy to be single and do lots of things with friends. This is baffling to him. I just had to laugh with delight, listening to Ruby go on about why would any widowed woman want to get married again? She has no regrets about getting married in the first place, but she's done and she's quite happy with things the way they are.
I suggested to Ruby that she tell the man he might look for women in apartments, not condominiums--those of us who have bought our places have made a commitment to ourselves, while people in more easily transient situations might be more open to change.

I generally like her responses in her column and the stuff she says here (and I like that a single woman has the most popular love advice column in Boston). I like how she says that something you can miss is the excitement of not knowing what's around the corner and who you're going to meet. I've only been in a relationship for a few months now, but I already miss that a bit. But, like the host mentioned, I did meet the person I'm seeing unexpectedly, as a single person, and he's just the type of person I'd hope to meet, so as of yet, I just feel lucky. And I have different excitements because I do look forward to seeing this person. Basically, I can't imagine wishing I had never met this person, but I can imagine one day wishing I were single lifestyle-wise. It's pretty funny, I was pretty happy to call this person my "boyfriend" the first time, and I don't think I'm quite "single" right now, but if you call me "coupled" I might have to hurt you :)

I think if you "intensively couple" you run more of the risk of feeling such a stark dichotomy between being single and coupled, and you run more of a risk of losing what you like about being single and even losing yourself a bit. So far, I'm happy to have a new person in my life that just happens to be of the boyfriend variety. It doesn't interfere with my other relationships or the rest of my life, and right now, it's actually adding to them (I'm meeting his friends, we're doing work together, and I'm doing new fun things). I think that I am so aware of the dangers of "intensive coupling" that I can hope to avoid them. Basically I feel the same that I did years ago the last time I had a "boyfriend"- I don't really feel any different. I'm still me. I don't think about "couple" things. If there is some place to go or something to do that I think he might like, I invite him along, like I would invite any of my friends, but there are no obligations outside of the same consideration you would give to anyone else. If that starts to change, then yeah, I think you have to start rethinking things.

I think that, as some of the callers mentioned, there is not this difference of being in a romantic relationship (which can take so many different forms) and being single, I think there is a difference between falling into the cultural traps of being in a couple and living the lifestyle you want. I would be very, very, very upset if I were to lose the person I'm seeing to say the least, but if I start to think that I *can't* live without him, or that my life wasn't complete without him, or I start assuming we have to do everything together, or I start to place him above my family members or friends, then I have a problem. I know so many people who just lost their entire identity and became a "girlfriend" or a "wife," I think that's when things fall apart, making the individual unhappy or even splitting up the couple. I really wonder how all of that became established, how we became so centered on the isolation of couples.

I've always liked romantic relationships, dating, etc., but I've always hated all that other stuff that comes with it. I think people *can* be monogamous, or they might be people who are less inclined to that. But I don't really think that's the issue-- I think the issue is that that caller felt that he might have to chose between a romantic relationship and surfing. Where did we come up with all that?

Thank you so much Bella for your column. The truth is finally coming out: many people enjoy their single lives while enjoying companionship in many different forms. We need a movement to educate the public and our public officials. It's time for single parody in the workforce and in our tax policies.

I've been thinking more and more that if one is an introvert (that's me and everyone I work with), it almost follows that one is single at heart.

In every relationship I've had in life, it all just became rather smothering after a while. Even when physical chemistry was super great, after a day or at most two being together, I -really- craved getting away to just chill on my own. So there you have it: Even from a young male perspective, outstanding sexual activity was no substitute for blessed alone time. Not that I didn't look forward to repeat liaisons, but I definitely didn't want coupled time as life's default mode. I'm sure others can relate to that.

If time to oneself is like oxygen to introverts, then for introverts intensive coupling must be like being held underwater. And it is. The institution of marriage is like a socially sanctioned CIA waterboard chamber for introverts. It's perverse really: take the people who tend to have higher IQs and make them miserable. See S. Kanazawa's analysis of the impact of marriage on gifted scientists in history (his hypothesis and his attitude generally I find wrong-footed, but the numbers he culled are revealing enough).

Anyway, it seems reasonable that introversion could be highly correlated with being "single at heart." I'd go so far as to say they're two terms for the same thing. If one accepts estimates that 25 to 35 percent of the population are introverts--some estimates go as high as 50 percent--I think the best estimate becomes:

At least one out of every three people is single at heart, perhaps as much as half of the population is single at heart.

Which is an interesting question in its own right, and also has important implications for the topics we discuss here.

For example, one topic often argued about here is the health effects of being single. This would be appropriate if being single truly is a choice, like one's diet or activity level (and assuming we're talking about choosing to be single, rather than another related topic like singlism). But if it's something innate then it becomes less relevant as you can't change it, any more than you can change your family background or ethnicity.

I laugh when people assume I must find living alone lonely. Are you kidding me? I love it. I need to be left alone for 30 min before I'm in the mood to chat.

I'm fine with being in a relationship if I still have time for me. The thought of spending every spare moment with another person scares me. Ugh. I know married people that spend time apart doing their own thing. Granted they usually don't have kids or their kids are school age. That sounds like the best of both worlds with the right person.

Society conspires to make us single-at-hearts think there is something wrong with us to keep us in line and participating in the mandatory coupling. I feel lucky to have opted out successfully. I still have to defend myself often, but I'm getting better at it and it's taking less time to slap aside the BS.

This might sound like a total cop-out but hear me out. I work in a very conservative, traditional company. Pretty much everyone is coupled up or married except me. A couple of my colleagues used to ask me regularly whether I had met anyone or whether I was seeing anyone. I actually got fed up to the back teeth having to answer them so I decided to do the one thing that I knew would shut them up: I lied! I said I was seeing someone, as vague as that. And guess what...they don't ask me anymore because they assume that I still am! I guess it works because I don't socialise or see these people outside of the office. Now ok you might say that I should be stronger than that and admit that I'm single but believe me the questioning would have continued and why should I have to put up with it? The great thing is I get to talk about the holidays I'm going on, the adventures I'm having and the things I'm into. And when they ask me whether it's with "my other half" (how awful is that term!) I just smile and say "No not at all, we each like doing our own thing, I was away with friends or family". That puzzles them even more that I wouldn't, unlike them, be spending every waking minute stuck to this phantom guy! It's great I get to be this really cool independent single "coupled" person in their eyes and they never feel sorry for me! They just think I'm extremely lucky!!