Absence of Fergie's wrath will lead to global cooling, possibly new ice age

Climatologists across the globe have expressed concern that the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson will result in temperatures being lowered across the planet. The impact of no-hairdrying on match days and the elimination of daily assaults against the BBC is expected to reduce temperatures by around 15 degrees celcius and may lead to icebergs forming in the Red Sea.

"Sir Alex's temper, and indeed his nose, are well known as consumers of vast quantities of energy, and we now feel that his retirement can only be compensated for by allowing extra flights and setting-off the occasional thermo-nuclear bomb, in an effort to avoid global climate change reduction" said energy secretary Ed Davey.

President Obama has withdrawn his decision to remove all troops and suspend bombings from Iraq and Afghanistan, and is using Air Force One to drop fuel into the Pacific Ocean in an attempt to compensate for Fergie's retirement "At least until Alex Salmond starts campaigning again."