Scientists implicated in vast conspiracy to provide cleaner air, water and soil

A polar bear contemplates its fate on a receding sheet of ice, another victim of global warming, according to 97 percent of the world’s scientists.

SEATTLE – A group of civic-minded billionaires revealed in a report published today that a widespread scheme has been perpetuated by scientists for decades to mislead members of the public into believing that their economic activity is causing irreparable harm to themselves and the planet – a conspiracy so appalling that it amounted to a ‘stunningly cruel joke and guilt trip’ based on ‘ballyhoo, flimsy research, penis envy, and a mob mentality run amok by a fear-mongering media,’ according to the report.

The two-page report — which consisted of unverifiable bullet points that some journalists said read more like a madman’s manifesto than a peer-reviewed document — was funded by a group called Sophistasphere (So-fist-a-sfeer), an ‘anonymous but dedicated think tank comprised of wealthy industrialists, lobbyists and corporate lackeys concerned about their power, the welfare of their pocketbooks, and the world’s bottom-line.’

A man wades in his kayak through the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, also known as the Pacific Trash Vortex, a gyre of marine debris and plastic particles discovered in the 1980s.

The report centered on global warming – a theory that the vast majority of data-crunching scientists have confirmed as likely to be true — but that the authors of the report stated was ‘dreamed up by left-wing radicals, tree-huggers, and other malicious types’ who ‘hate the rich and pay homage to a bogus credo’ driven by ‘crackpot whimsies, marijuana edibles and bad math.’

According to the theory of global warming, carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere have been rising dramatically over the past 100 years due to the burning of fossil fuels, deforestation and other human-related activities that have resulted in a greenhouse effect that has negatively impacted the environment and ‘led many to believe wrongly that the Earth’s temperature is rising, its natural resources are being depleted, and that the planet itself is being polluted at such a ghastly and astonishing rate that the extinction of life as we know it is all but guaranteed — unless our most selfish and reckless capitalistic tendencies are checked’ — a train of thought that the report insisted was an ‘utter oversimplification of the issue’ and ‘really just a bunch of bullshit.’

A treeless forest in the former Amazon ‘jungle’ highlights the perils of unfettered human economic activity in once-natural sanctuaries.

Included below are some of the highlights of the report:

* Global warming is natural, so is global cooling. There have been plenty of hot and cold spells since God created the Earth 5,000 years ago. Check the Bible.

* God helps those who help themselves. If a pelican gets its neck stuck in some plastic soda rings that were tossed in the ocean and then suffocates and dies, then it’s its own damn fault!

* Dishonesty is the best policy. Many heads of governments and corporations already know this, but a few are still committed to saving the world, or at least to minimizing the harm they cause. They probably also believe God helps those who help themselves … ha, ha, suckers!

* Science is stupid, and scientists are idiots. You should know better than to trust people who claim that they understand what’s real and what’s not. Case in point: You’re still reading this?

* Profit = prophet. Have faith in money. Those who don’t have faith in money, just don’t have enough!

* Liberals suck. They are whiny party poopers who want to take away your steak. Don’t let them.

* Keep your guns, so long as it makes you feel ‘free’ and ‘safe.’ We know you’re not.

* If you want to change the world, start by changing yourself. Stop working, eating, breathing, buying and reproducing. Get rid of the demand – you — and you’ll get rid of the world’s biggest problem – too many of you.

* God doesn’t roll dice; therefore, people cannot ruin the world! It’s common sense, folks. That’s like handing car keys to a kid and saying, ‘What are you waiting for? Go for it!’

Not even space is safe from reckless human activity, as this artist illustrates with his depiction of the fast-moving junk that orbits the Earth and is becoming an increasing source of danger, destroying satellites and threatening space missions.

The report’s findings are to be reviewed by President Donald Trump, who indicated in a recent tweet that he may use some of the language to bolster his own decision to withdraw the United States from the Paris climate accord, an agreement among nations to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.

The U.S. was only one of three out of 147 nations that declined to participate in the agreement, a decision some experts argued was a poor demonstration of leadership, which has caused the President considerable backlash at home and abroad.

“I will continue to do whatever makes the most sense for America,” said the President in his tweet to the nation. “This report’s suggestions might be just what we need.”