Funny Jokes, Quotes, Videos & More

Bird Jokes

A duck walks into a 7/11, and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” the guy behind the counter says, “No,” and the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks back in and asks, “Got any grapes?” the guy behind the counter, starting to get frustrated says, “Like I told you yesterday, we don’t have any grapes, we don’t sell grapes, and never will.” The next day the duck walks in and says, “Got any grapes?” the guy behind the counter yells, “No, I told you before we don’t sell any fucking grapes, if you come in here and ask for grapes again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.” The next day the duck walks in and says, “Do you have any nails?” the guy behind the counter says, “no.” Duck says, “Then do you have any grapes?”

A woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. “I’ll go home with anyone who can guess this parrot’s weight”. A guy yells out (sarcastically), “500 pounds!”. She says with a smile, “Close enough!”

The old lady was lonesome and went to the pet store for a pet bird thattalks. The salesclerk showed her a cute little green bird and assured her itcould talk and in 3 different languages to boot. So she gets a cage and takes it home thrilled to death. The first day went by with the bird saying nothing. She gets a little worried and heads back to the pet store the nextday. This bird you sold me has not said one single word” the lady told the clerk. “Well, does the bird have a mirror? Maybe he’s not happy – the mirror will help.” So the old lady buys a mirror and takes it home. After she puts it in the cage, the bird walks over to it, looks into it and says nothing the rest of the day. Now the lady is getting upset and she marches back to the pet store the next day. When told the bird is still not talking, the clerk asks the lady if she has a ladder in the cage. “No” she replied. So she bought one and raced home hoping this would help her little buddy talk. The bird calmly climbed up the ladder, looked into the mirror and sat there saying nothing the rest of the day. The next day found her in the pet store again talking to the clerk. He told her the bird needed a swing to make it’s happiness completeand THEN it would talk. She told him it had better work or she was bringing the bird back. She took the swing home and put it in. The bird climbed the ladder, looked into the mirror, and sat on the swing swinging. He then saidhis first sentence and keeled over dead. Later in the week, the sales clerk saw the old lady and asked if the bird ever talked for her. “Oh yes,” she said, “the swing did the trick. He said – ‘Doesn’t that store sell any seed?’and then fell over dead.”

It’s time for this guy’s birds annual check-up at the vet’s office. So, off he goes to the vet with the bird. As he sits in the waiting room, the vet comes out with a cat in tow. He puts the cat down on the floor and the cat runs over to the carrier the bird is in and sniffs it all over. Then the vet says could you step into my office? The man does and the vet does a cursory glance at the bird and says that he is in fine shape. At this he presents him with a bill for $930. The man says “Why is this so high? You didn’t even do anything!”The vet replied “Well, you see it’s $30 for an office visit, and the cat scan was $900.

Two Irishmen were on holiday in Dover and walked into a pet shop.The first Irishman, Patrick said to the shopkeeper ” Can I please have a dozen budgies – don’t put them in a cage just put them in a box and I’ll take them with me.” The shopkeeper obliged and gave him a box with 12 budgies in it. Patrick paid for them and waited for Mick to make his purchase.Mick said to the shopkeeper ” Can I please have a dozen parrots -don’t put them in a cage a box like the one you gave my mate will do.”So the shopkeeper put 12 parrots in a box and Mick paid for them and the two Irishmen left the shop.They went up to the top of the white cliffs of Dover and Patrick took off his shirt and took out the budgies, one at a time, and selotaped them to his arms. He taped six budgies up his left arm and sixbudgies up his right arm. Next it was Mick’s turn.Mick took off his shirt and selotaped six parrots up his left arm and six parrots up his right arm.The two Irishmen then stood together at the top of the cliffs and Patrick said to Mick “Are you ready Mick?” Mick replied “OK”. They both jumped off the cliff together::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: SPLATTTTTT!!!!!After about 5 minutes the two Irishmen started to come round. Patrick sat up and said to Mick ” I don’t go much on this BUDGIE JUMPING” Mick sat up and said “No, and I don’t think much of this PARROT GLIDING either.”

Man and his wife walk in a pet store and see a parrot in a cage. Man walks over and the parrot says, “hey buddie, your wife sure is ugly.”Man storms over to owner and says, “do you know what your parrot said to me,” and proceeds to tell the owner. Owner goes over to parrot and jerks him out of cage and slaps him around and tells him, “you know what I told you about that, this is your last chance!” Puts parrot back into cage.Man and wife go back by parrot’s cage on way out of store and parrot says,”hey buddie” while looking back and forth between man and owner and the man says, “What?” Parrot says, “you know what.”

Grandpa and Grandma were walking outdoors when a pegeon flew overhead. The bird took this moment to relieve itself and it’s package landed squarely on Grandpa’s head. Seeing the mess, Grandma said, “I wish we had some toilet tissue.” Grandpa replied, “What good would it do. He’s probably a half a mile away by now.”

One very cold day a little green parrot was flying through Alaska. The morehe flew the colder he got, and the slower he flew. Soon he could not beathis wings fast enough to keep him in the air, and he plummeted to the icyground.THWACK!As he lay there breathing his last breaths, along comes a cow.And lays a big steaming pat right on top of the little parrot. All of asudden the little parrot starts to warm up and thaw out, and as he movesaround he starts to whistle a happy tune. Who should hear the happy tune but a passing cat who thinks “MMMM Dinner”.He digs in the pt until he finds the parrot and eats him whole.THE MORAL OF THE STORY-Those who get you into sh*t are not necessarily your enemies,and those that get you out of sh*t are not necessarily your friends.And if you find yourself somewhere safe and warm – keep your mouth shut!!!-submitted by Louisa Dickson

There’s a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is. “Your parrot has too much hook in it’s beak. What you have to do is file it’s beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You’ve got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off, the bird will drown the first time he has a drink.” The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says, “$100.” So the parrot fancier decides he’ll do it himself. A week or so later they bump into one another on the street. The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says, “the parrots dead”. Pet shop guy says, “I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?” Ex-parrot owner says, “Heck no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!”

A farmer buys a mated pair of parrots. Every time he looks in the cage the male parrot is making it with the female. The next day the female dies. The farmer gets incensed and throws the male out of the house. The next day the farmer sees dead hens lying all about the feed lot. The parrot is staggering around, worn out, but looking for another hen. The farmer goes for the shotgun, but when he comes back, the parrot’s gone. During the next week, the farmer finds dead bird carcasses all around the farm, but can’t find the parrot. One afternoon, he spots the parrot lying on its back, its feet in the air, feathers all torn and scruffy. The farmer walks up to it and says, “Finally sc**ed yourself to death, did you?” With one wing, the parrot points to buzzards circling in the sky, winks lecherously, and says, “Shhh.”