Freeing myself from my eating disorder, one day at a time

Month: December 2016

I learnt something today that I wanted to share. I was discussing with a friend how sadness would wash over me when I remembered something that I’m no longer going to have in my life now I’ve moved out from living with my boyfriend. She said to me that it’s always the happy things that make us sad, because we’ll miss them and they have fond memories. I hadn’t really thought of it in that way but it make sense. How lucky am I that I got to make all those fabulous memories? How privileged am I to have been in love and to have been loved. Yes it’s sad right now, but it’s sad because it once was happy and it’s okay that I’m going to miss that.

Things are not great at the moment life wise. There are big things happening which I can’t talk about as it’s not fair on the people involved. My emotional system is being pretty taxed right now. It would be so tempting to use this as as an excuse as to why I need to park recovery for a little while. I think everyone would understand if I slipped a little, if I couldn’t keep the structured eating going with all that’s going on. I could absolutely claim that it’s just too hard right now.

Or, and this is quite the relevation, I could use this as an opportunity to show how far I have come, how much I have learnt. I have the potential to get through this rough time and to be okay health wise. How amazing is that? I am the only one that can control whether that happens. Be sure I’m going to try my very best! No doubt this will be a challenge but it has to be worth it!

When my counselling appointment was cancelled the other day I burst into tears on the phone. Not my proudest moment but the secretary (bless her) picked up on it she offered me a doctors appointment as I won’t see my counsellor now for 6 or more weeks and it was clear things weren’t all sunshine and roses.

I saw my doctor today and, needless to say, sobbed and rambled at him but he did a good job in getting me to focus and make a plan of action. He asked what I thought would help and I said the only thing I can think of right now is to hide in bed. He suggested this might not be as effective as I think and asked me to come up with other plans. I was honestly stuck. The thing I really want to do is go hide (preferably in a hotel so that I can be alone) and turn my phone and computer off and remove myself from the world. He said fine to do it for a day but I needed to think ‘then what?’ It was embarrassing to realise that actually my plan of action on how to help myself extends to only ‘hiding in bed’, and I’m more panicky than usual in this situation as my boyfriend isn’t working so he is at home which means I don’t even get to hide in bed in peace.

The fact is also that life goes on and I need to keep participating. Hiding is not really an option. Doc asked me what I did to make myself feel better and I came up with: doing extra ‘work work’ to get ahead on things, doing PhD work so I feel better about that, do chores and other things on my to-do list and run, swim and yoga. He was nervous about the exercise as I’m meant to be cutting down not increasing, and all the other things he said didn’t really sound like fun. He asked what I do for fun, or as a treat. And honestly, hiding in bed watching gilmore girls is the thing that does it for me at the moment, but here we were again having to think beyond hiding in bed. He asked about a beauty treat- no because people would have to touch me and that is just too much right now. He asked about shopping- no because shops are overwhelming, I can’t make any decisions and I feel I haven’t earned it. He asked about dinner/lunch/ coffee out with friends- no because, well, food.He asked about reading – I did buy a new book but can’t get past page 5. I’m stuck stuck stuck. He agreed, and said that this could be the time I try some new things to get unstuck.

So, tomorrow I am going to try a non-hiding approach to conquering depression. I shall get my car serviced, do some work in the library, and then my ‘fun’ thing is to write my christmas cards – not sure this is exactly fun but I’m hoping thinking about the people I love will help.

What does everyone else do when they’re feeling down and hiding is no longer part of the plan?

I faced the world for 4 hours today. It was enough. The plan was to just hang on until my appointment tomorrow where I could get some help to figure things out and how to get through the next while. Then I got a call saying my appointment had been cancelled. So I gave up, came home and have been in bed ever since. I feel safe here, hiding, ignoring the world.

I wish I could stay here until all the negative thoughts have gone away. But life goes on so I can’t. I will get up tomorrow and go about my day as that’s what will help. Hiding seems like the best solution right now, but long term engaging in life is where it’s at. It feels like every bit of my brain and body wants to avoid the world, but I won’t. And that’s where recovery is found, deep down when you know that you will do it even when you don’t know how. That’s where I show my progress and my fight.

I’ve been hanging in there. I’ve been being the positive one. I’ve done self care. I’ve taken my medication. I’ve been eating. I’ve been resting. I’ve been keeping a food diary. I’ve been going to yoga. I’ve been going to my appointments. I’ve been doing all the things I should. But things are hard tonight. Things are not all okay. And it’s hard to realise that even when you do everything you should things can still not be okay.

There’s too much grey right now. Too many decisions. Too many people to hurt. Too much not knowing what is okay, alongside the realisation that I’m not okay. Just for tonight, I know things will be better, but for tonight I need it to be okay that I’m not okay.