Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

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On fun-sized advice

I bought a dildo that’s not necessarily too big, but too rigid. I can’t use it and I can’t return it, obviously. Any ideas? Maybe something decorative.
Go find one of those bottle opener/corkscrew thingies and screw it into the shaft of the dildo. Boom. Dildo-handled bottle opener. Functional and decorative!

People who loudly discuss intimate details of their sex life (“I sucked his dick so hard I was milking it”) in crowded public spaces: tacky and uncouth, or just outspoken?
Merely outspoken with regard to the subject matter. Uncouth for talking loudly. Tacky for using such a lame metaphor.

I really am tempted to fuck someone that isn’t my boyfriend. Hell, I even fantasize about this particular guy. He isn’t particularly great looking, or even all that interesting. I’m not sure if my conscience is telling me I’m not worth a serious relationship or if I should just have sex with whomever without regret. I’m not sure what to do.
Don’t be a cheater. Of course, that could mean staying monogamous and not having an affair, deciding together to open up your relationship, or breaking up with your boyfriend so you can fuck other people. It’s entirely up to you, just whatever you do, do it with integrity.

Why am I terrified to come out as an atheist?
Because you face the possibility of animosity and ostracism from pious friends and family, perhaps even the loss of your emotional support system. It’s a brave and difficult thing to do if you were raised in a religious environment.

You think Bernie Sanders might just be gaining enough momentum to do the damn thing?
It’s a long way to Super Tuesday. Cross your fingers, but don’t hold your breath.

So there are levels, huh? Leagues you can be above or below or in? I knew it. Damn. Better adjust my fantasies so they stop setting me up for failure.
Of course there are levels. There are levels to everything.

What’s the best way to make people stop wishing you “happy monday?”
Shoot them in the face.

Does life get better? Or am I really doomed to repeat the same mistakes and have the same life of everyone around me?
Probably.

I’m the dildo girl! This is a great idea but mine vibrates so I can’t screw anything into it cause the base is where the batteries go. I’ve just been hiding it around my friend’s house the past couple days to see if he notices. I call it Where’s Dildo?

I wish I was a movie writer…picture a very uptight, young man or woman, maybe religious, the kind of person who can’t go a day without brushing their teeth. They’re brought face to face with their sexual hangups. The situation demands they come to terms with brushing their teeth with a dildo-toothbrush. The wrestling with a giant, brilliantly colored, energetically floppy dong, is a metaphor for how they cope with their sex lives.