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Wow - Part 13. I might need to change my subject header one of these days.

CV - with regard to my previous post, "smudging" is a process wherein you burn sage (or other herbs) inside of your home. In theory, it is symbolic of the smoke trapping negative energy, emotions, thoughts, etc. - and carrying them away when you open up the windows and air out the house. You can even capture the smoke in your hands and rub it on your skin to do the same. I am BY NO MEANS a new age person, but I have heard enough about it from others to give it a try. Perhaps it is psychological, but it did feel calming in a lot of respects. However, burning sage smells a HELL of a lot like weed. So my neighbors probably think I am a stoner now.

To type that I even DID that last night feels weird to me, but I am trying to stay open to new things. And, really, as things began to get worse at the house when w was still living there there were a lot of bad conversations, memories and feelings that went on in that house - even if it was 100% symbolic, I want them out. So I marched about the house last night, in prayer, actually. Probably stood in the room that my wife called home before she moved out for 5 minutes. Campy as it may sound, I could really feel the hurt she must have felt in that room as she withered away to under 100 pounds and didn't sleep,

Hi Crimson - you sure have a lot of threads! I think I've been following them since the very beginning.

Quote:

Harrier -

Not falling on deaf ears at all. I value your input and frankness. Hell, I think you were one of the first people to respond to my first thread - that seems like a million years ago.

So if I think about it practically, the D really is nothing more than a point in time. The significance, however, from a psychological point of view, is tough to deal with. Most of that is ego driven...ande fear driven. If you are a person that stuggles with rejection - and I am - D is right around the pinnacle of rejection.

Regarding S - I don't think I am projecting much onto him. When he asks for his mom a lot it is just one of those things that serves as a reminder that she is not around and it just thrusts our situation into the forefront of my mind. He is adjusting to this lifestyle OK, a lot of that has to do with the fact that w and I are doing OK together right now.

Notwithstanding, I see your point and acknowledge that it is something that I need to be aware of. I could easily see myself falling into the trap of projecting my feelings onto my S.

You seem defensive about Harrier's (and in the past others') attempts to give you an outsider's perspective on your thought processes. You're having a tough time, and it was pointed out that you could stop spinning if you try taking a wider perspective on the D, and your argument was that you're having a tough time. That circle could go on forever, or you could try harder to internalize what was said. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't, but if you come out of the gate arguing you may not have really heard it.

I have thought the same as Harrier about projecting - building up an outrage on behalf of your son that really more reflects your own outrage and assumptions.

D is the pinnacle of rejection if you decide to see it that way. In that case, all of us here are rejected and should feel bad about that - yet we don't all feel bad. You can decide to see it as a wake up call and a turning point, a chance for a better future. We aren't always successful at seeing the glass half full, but it helps to try and not wallow in the negative side of it. I think H was trying to help you get out of that train of thought.

Your sitch shows potential and I hope you keep growing as a person through it.

Did you play any sports? Ever had a coach tell you to visualize what you want to achieve? Would a coach approve of your insistence on looking at the negative, the failure, the sorrow and doom? Would you hit a home run thinking like that? Coach yourself and train your thoughts.

Crimbo - haven't been on the boards for a few days and needed to catch up.

Smudging? I crashed a party in Boston on St Paddy's that turned out to be a friend's house and he talked about the same thing, but the sitch was slightly different. There were entities in the house and he told me all these stories from when they remodeled the house about the starnge going on. Someone suggested the smudging and it worked. No more tolld moving around at night, no more entities playing the paino, all thsi other stuff went away too.

Keeping in line with unseen energy in our life, remember that the universe cannot work with you in the past (regret) and cannot work with you in the future (fear). It can only work with you in the present. And it gives you what you give it. So continue to give joy and happiness and that is what will be attarcted into your life. You can only do that by letting go of what is uncontrollable...your W...the D and demons(D lawyers).

Adinva - first off, thanks for having the tenacity to follow my threads all of this time.

I don't feel as though I am being defensive - but perhaps now I am being defensive about being defensive. In fact, I don't argue the fact that I do not do well taking a look at the larger perspective. I am certainly trying, but I have a lot of fears to get over that keep me from doing so. I am working on them, and at the end of the day they are most likely inevitable so no need to push back against them.

In terms of visualization - I have moments when I picture the ideal outcome and work towards it. However, that gives me hope and then I start freaking about having those hopes crushed. I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS HEALTHY! In fact, I hate the fact that I struggle like that - I am just doing my best to be honest here.

Re: Smudging - Rick, I hope it will be effective for me and my home. It was rather soothing - I'll evaluate in a few weeks and see if I should do it again.

LA - No one that really knows me would think I would smudge. I do NOT fit the profile, if such a thing exists. However, I am deadly serious about making changes in my life and how I do things - and part of that is being open to different/new things that reside outside of my normal realm.

GAL has been a bit slow, 25 - I need to pick back up again. I have plans with a friend for later this week.

I don't feel as though I am being defensive - but perhaps now I am being defensive about being defensive.

The reason I catch it in you is because I'm guilty of it myself. But there's a lot here to help you if you're open to it.

You said you have fears that you're working on that hold you back from visualizing a positive outcome. What are the fears? Why would they prevent you from imagining good in your life? And maybe you need to take a look at your positive outcome - if it's about things you don't control (ie your W) then you're just wishfully thinking. If it's about things you do control (being a Crimson who will find and transmit joy in life with or without W, or some such goal focused entirely on YOU and things YOU control) then it is within your power to visualize and achieve it.