Friday, September 28, 2007

Something Real

Last night there was this show going on that I really, really wanted to see! I think I mentioned it before, because Gavin and Bethany said they were gonna go. Of course, everyone ended up selling out, so I just decided to go solo! I mean it was a Tool cover band! And I LOVE Tool, and I wasn't about to miss this.So I get there, and none other than Vette Guy walks up behind me! ((sigh)) It was a pretty small venue, and this was the band's first show, so there weren't a whole lot of people there. The band was so awesome though!! I mean I have much respect for any band that can even play a Tool song, let alone 2 whole sets full of them! And they actually sounded good!Well I ended up hanging out with Vette Guy since I was by myself, and he, apparently was being stalked by an ex-girlfriend. Yes, literally, stalked. She was one of those really in-your-face, all the time kinda girls who just talks and never shuts up. Really sweet, but reallllllly overbearing! And she kept talking my ear off about how Vette Guy is supposedly still madly in love with her. Haha.Anyways, I've been sick for like a week, so I didn't drink or anything last night, and I hadn't shaved my legs or anything either. Hahaha! But Vette Guy invited me back to his place, so I accepted, but I warned him I wouldn't be staying. Just not a good idea on so many levels. But I figured, a little making out would be harmless, right??WRONG.We're goofin' off, having a good time and joking around with each other. And I was teasing him about how much of a player he is. Which, of course, he denied profusely."Whatever, you're so good at the game, you don't even know you're playing it." I told him."I don't play games! I hate games!" He insisted."Ha! Then why do you keep jerking me around so much?" I asked playfully.

I don't really remember exactly what he said after that, except that he suddenly got really mad, and he said he wouldn't ever call me again. I don't understand why exactly, just that I guess the words "jerk around" triggered something, and he got really pissed.

"Dude...why are you so mad? Are you kidding me right now??""What did you just say to me? Dude...you have no idea...Whatever. I'm just gonna go to bed. I don't even care.""Okaaaaaaaay... Why can't you just tell me what's wrong. I wasn't being a bitch, I just wish you would be honest with me sometimes. You never tell me anything!""Whatever...""Stop saying whatever! Come on! Just tell me what your problem is all of a sudden.""Whatever...""Fine. Well have a good night."And I left.

I seriously don't get it! I mean, I couldn't count how many times I've teased him about that stuff, and he's never gotten mad. And now, I actually feel bad! ((sigh))I sent him a text saying I just don't like feeling like a piece of ass (because the whole time I was there, he kept trying to take my clothes off and I kept telling him no). His response was something along the lines of "If that's how you feel, then I'm glad you left. I can get that at any bar, any time. I thought you were real, no drama, but apparently I was wrong. Guess I'll build higher walls next time"WTF?!?! WHO is being dramatic in this situation!? And WHO'S the one that always gets fucked over and needs to put up walls!?I think he's got himself confused...I wrote back, "I just want to feel like I'm not a piece of ass, not just something that happens every few weeks! You make it so hard to get to know you! I mean this is the most emotion you've ever shown me, and it's anger! And you say you're the one who needs higher walls?? Come on! I'm honestly trying here. And I AM real. Most people just can't handle that. So it's cool. I'm used to it."

Of course, he ever responded, and I don't like to end a conversation, or a night for that matter, on bad terms. So I wrote him one more message before I went to bed."Look, I'm not trying to bug you, I just don't like to end things on a bad note. So I'm sorry about what I said. Bad choice of words I guess. I just want something real, and I wanna know when it's real! And lately it just seems like I don't know anything anymore...but I shouldn't have projected that on you because I know you don't see me that way. So...again, I'm sorry. Goodnight."

That last message may have been a little much, but at least I know I did everything I could. It's not like I had anything to lose anyways... ((sigh))I'm just so tired of settling! I mean...why is it so hard to find the whole package!? The nice guys are boring, and/or unattractive, and the attractive guys are assholes and don't give a shit about you. So how do you tell the difference??Today I spent a good hour looking at modeling shots of The Model online. I miss him. It sucks. I still have this illusion of him in my head as The Perfect Man. And I just can't change that.Evan and I, and some friends are going to New York City. Very soon! I'm excited, but since we've started planning this trip, I can't get The Model out of my head. I think that's part of the reason why I even went home with Vette Guy last night. But I'm tired of this back and forth. I'm tired of not good enough.

I want something REAL.

Mitch Of The Day:"I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question.'"