What’s next for Manchester United jokers?

“Tomasz was cracking a joke, he was laughing when he said it,” confirmed Sir Fergie, blowing the lid of the crazy shenanigans Carrington insiders have come to relish.

Here is Fun Tommy’s gag in full, which has sparked a frenzied bidding war between Ed Byrne and Lee Evans.

“To be honest, I must say this and Edwin doesn’t like this too much for sure, but he doesn’t help me too much,” he said. ”I have told him a few times already to give me some more advice because he’s got more experience and got many more games under his belt.

“I say, ‘You have to give me something more’ because I like to know what I do wrong and like to watch other people. Doing that I can take some good from the advice I get. But I don’t know, maybe Edwin doesn’t like me. You’ll have to ask him.”

So what japes can we next expect from the Theatre of Comedy:

Wayne Rooney:

“Dimi says he will ignore my passes in future unless they arrive within half an inch of his right foot. He needs to help me out a little by occasionally moving… ho ho ho.”

Ryan Giggs:

“This new Obertan guy is so terrible, he really needs to help us out by mastering basic tasks like controlling and kicking the football… ah ha ha ha ha.”

Rio Ferdinand:

“Nani. Pony innit, heh heh heh.”

Owen Hargreaves:

“As they back say in Germany, if twice rotates the weather vane, it’s indicating wind and rain… crazy guys.”