For the last few weeks there have been ominous sights and sounds that the emotionally charged Maradona is close to spewing streams of piping hot lava across the football field if the match against Germany goes wrong. Clouds of steam, tears and wild grimaces have been observed on the main vent of Mountebank Maradona and traces of white powder have been found in the valley below, near his trousers.

After taking recent readings of the 'mood' of Maradona, scientists have now warned fans to be at least five miles clear of the eruption, as there is no knowing the extent of the explosive nature of the Argentinian loudmouth. British tourists in particular have been told to get clear, as the very sight of their flag is known to over excite Maradona's magma chamber and could see him expel the contents of his stomach in their general direction. But Maradona is also likely to pile hot ash on top of the German players and supporters in the stadium in memory of previous Argentina-Germany games.

One scientist, Professor Gary Lineker from the Match of the Day University of Psychology and Vulcanology is especially concerned about the Maradona volcano blowing up and causing world wide chaos.

"It really is touch and go with the Maradona Volcano. He looks calm at the moment but I can tell, one small thing and he will be exploding in a fire ball of perfume, gold jewellery, designer suits and hair oil if Argentina lose against Germany. I have advised the South African air traffic controllers to suspend flights in the area but no one is taking me seriously."

When asked by journalists about his moods, Maradona said that "the hand of God will reach down from the skies and shut my mouth up if I go loco on the touchline without reason. I trust He will be there watching me, in his Argentinian shirt and supporting us against the Germans."