5. Republicans - Hurricane Isaac has postponed the start of the Republican National Convention — a.k.a. "Comic-Con with bowties" — until tomorrow, which means conservatives get one fewer day of trying very, very hard to sound excited about Mitt Romney. Canceled events include a Todd Akin Powerpoint lecture on the mysteries of the female body and a shirtless reading of The Fountainhead by Paul Ryan, though you can still catch the shirtless Doritos-eating exhibition being held in Chris Christie's hotel room.

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4. Heterosexual Males in Togo - Women in the West African nation of Togo are taking a stand against their oppressive government by vowing to withhold sexual intercourse, which may be the first time a serious effort to achieve social progress has ever sounded like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. The "sex strike" is scheduled to last one week (which is apparently a long time to go without getting laid in Togo, lucky bastards), and will either end in sweeping political change, or a sudden surge in the number of Tongolese men with Wi-Fi access to internet porn.