Just us three and a sky full of eagles: Self-imposed isolation in a Scottish cottage

‘You can’t take that,’ my partner bellows, pointing to the jar of Ovaltine I’m trying to stuff inside a trainer.

‘Well, if I can’t take this, then you can’t take that,’ I holler, pointing to his huge bottle of Talisker.

We are arguing over the packing. It’s getting quite serious. Already he’s confiscated my sausage rolls and cup cakes. In return, I have hidden his peanut butter and Toblerone.

Heavenly views: The Cuillins of Skye can be seen in the far distance from Loch Nevis

Lord of the Rings scenery: Sweeping views over Loch Nevis

You see, this packing is not about clothes - but food. For where we are going is so remote, there are no roads at all, and the nearest shop is an hour’s boat ride away. In short, we’ve got to take with us all the edible provisions we need for a week.

Clearly, we are quite worried about this. So worried, in fact, that when the plane takes off from Bristol Airport, we crack open a packet of Jaffa Cakes just to ease the tension. When we land in Glasgow, the shortbreads are sacrificed. A four-hour drive up the west coast to the ferry port of Mallaig sees the demise of the cheese and crackers. Meanwhile, the kid's backseat hollering takes out three packets of Wotsits and the Maltesers.

Off to explore: Gwyneth and her daughter head out to discover the quiet shores of Loch Nevis

By the time we board our small boat taking across the dark waters of Loch Nevis to our cottage, our bags are very much lighter.

‘Where the hell is all the food?’ my partner asks as we eventually unpack onto a sturdy kitchen table after nine solid hours of travelling.

‘Hmmm,’ I say, surveying the wreckage. ‘I guess we’ll just have to forage? Eat seaweed. Kill moose. Skin otters. It will be perfect.’

Bobbing along: You can only reach The Old Post Office by boat or helicopter

Away from the stage lights: Theatre man Cameron Mackintosh owns Nevis

There is no other way to describe the Old Post Office cottage in Kylesmorar – it is remote. Perched just south of the Knoydart Peninsular, a stretch of mainland overlooking the Isle of Skye, it is set in Lord of the Rings scenery and the deep, forbidding Loch Nevis.

On the north shore of the loch, there is the tiny village of Inverie, the base for many walkers and home to the Old Forge Inn, the most remote pub on mainland Britain. But we are even more far-flung than that – on the south shore of the loch in a tiny hamlet of just two cottages, castaway on the sweeping stony shoreline. Besides boat and helicopter, the only other way in here is by a two-day trek across ‘arduous and boggy’ country and not many are foolish enough to attempt that.

Our cottage is on the Nevis estate, owned by West End theatre producer Sir Cameron Mackintosh who’s been visiting here since a child. He still frequently holidays here - occasionally with his actor friends including Rowan Atkinson – in his grand, turreted castle down the coast.

There’s nothing turreted about our cottage, though. It’s a homely and rustic two-up, two-down, mostly covered in wood panelling and with a sofa that smells of dog. It’s all very simple – there’s no welcoming hamper or wine in the fridge. Indeed, there’s not really even drinking water – it comes straight off the hill and you’ve got to boil it up yourself. The TV is tiny and barely works. Most importantly, there’s no wifi, no mobile reception and no landline which means you can’t work, check the news or tweet your daily movements.

Away from it all: Gwyneth and family stayed at the Old Post Office at Kylesmorar

Which – quite delightfully – frees up your senses to feast upon the great outdoors. And it truly is great – crowded with towering isosceles peaks, shimmering reflections and buffeting headlands along which you can tramp for days. It is all stunningly craggy and beautiful, even in the lashing rain, of which there's a lot. The walks are full of iridescent heather and soggy footpaths, while the beach boasts seaweed of every colour. As for the kids, it's an iPad-free paradise. There’s jellyfish to poke, razor clams to forage and rock pools to explore.

Plus, of course, there’s plenty of wildlife action.

‘Look,’ I say, at least ten times a day, my binoculars trained to the sky. ‘It’s a golden eagle! No, it’s a sea eagle! What’s the difference again?’

Simple comforts: Inside the Old Post Office...

Yes, amazingly, the sky simply rains eagles. They are everywhere, soaring on the thermals as if they’re kings. The loch too is full of porpoises and the hills stocked with red deer and stags (Cameron doesn't allow shooting parties).

The highlight though is the pigs. Admittedly, being Gloucestershire Old Spot they’re not native, but they roam the loch shores, troughing food scraps and making the place feel decidedly more alive and fun. The staff warn you what to do should one of the 15-stone beasts get too close – whack them around the chops. Wonderful what you can learn in the country.

Share this article

You won't ever want to leave, but it's worth nipping on a boat back over the loch to Inverie, to go munro-bagging – one of them, Ladhar Bheinn is classed as having the third best view in Scotland.

On the waterfront: With its lakeside setting and lack of wifi, the cottage feels very remote

Or you can sample the Old Forge Inn, known for its impromptu music nights and fine ale. It’s got instruments of every kind of the wall – even ‘spoons’ for the most musically challenged. The local beach also has the most astonishing Alaskan-esque scenery. You can crouch in a hide overlooking the estuary quite expecting a grizzly to come thundering into the waters to grapple with a salmon.

It really is the perfect place to get away from technology, retreat into nature, grow a beard, align your chakra, or alternatively – just go on a crash diet. But really, you don’t have to starve here. If you do run out of food, you can always walk halfway up the nearest murno, find the tiniest bit of reception, ring the local Co-op in Mallaig and they’ll pack you up a box of goodies to send over on the next boat. It makes Waitrose home delivery service look quite below par.

The only downside, of course, is the mosquitoes which attack relentlessly.

And, of course, you know however relaxing your stay, you’ve got an epic journey to get back home.

At least your bags will be lighter.

TRAVEL FACTS

Seven nights at The Old Post Office can be booked through Kylesmorar (www.kylesmorar.com 01835 822 277). Prices start from £640 in low season, £695 in mid-season and £750 in high season.