THAT’S WHACK

HAS THE PRINCE OF Darkness lost his Princess for good? Ozzy Osbourne assured us via Facebook that he and wife of 31 years, Sharon, are not divorcing. But the truth is that the couple is estranged due to Ozzy’s drug and drink relapse.

“For the last year and a half I have been drinking and taking drugs. I was in a very dark place and was an a-hole to the people I love most, my family. However, I am happy to say that I am now 44 days sober,” he revealed.

While the apology is nice and all, Sharon isn’t quite ready to forgive and forget this time — she’s vacationing in Mexico with daughter Aimee, and waiting for the Crazy Train to pull into the Chill Zone first.

SLIDE, SLIDE, BUT THAT’S THE PAST. Coolio’s got something brand new for that ass — namely, a mugshot. Was it for spending most his life living in a Gangster’s Paradise? No. It was because shit got Too Hot between his woman and his side piece, and Coolio basically hit the mother of his child, Anabella Chatman, with his fist AND his car.

Like all of you, we have QUESTIONS.

First, we to need to know why Coolio is still getting not one, but two, women to sleep with him, especially with those whack-ass braids coming out of his bald head like an old TV antenna.

Then, we need to get clarification on why a dude like Coolio thought it would be totally, totally fine to bring another woman into the home he shares with his baby’s mother. HAS THAT EVER WORKED FOR ANYONE, EVER?

Damn, Coolio. Now that you’ve got yourself a misdemeanor count of battery, you could be looking at some jail time. Guess we’ll See You When You Get There.

YOU GUYS! PAM ANDERSON HAS DECIDED TO TONE DOWN HER LOOK. This means no more Barbie hair teased up to the sky (the bigger the hair, the closer to God?). No more leather minidresses mummifying her body. No more bulk discounts at MAC. And the saddest part? Smaller boobs. ‘Cause, you know, your back starts hurting in old age.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj