(Closed) Sticky moral situation — what would you do?

With all of these “what would you do” threads going around, I have an actual situation I need help with – bear with me here:

My sister has been with her boyfriend for 5 years (since they were both 16 or so). Their relationship was really only good about the first year or year and a half – then it got sour pretty quickly. They are not good for each other, don’t treat each other well, and are completely codepedent in the most unhealthy way possible. They encourage unhealthy behaviors in each other constantly (smoking pot, cigarettes, drinking, quitting jobs, not being financially responsible, etc). During my wedding in Jamaica, my sister met a Jamaican guy and hooked up with him. They then proceeded to call each other and text each other almost daily for the next few months. Her plan was to move there and live with him, but she eventually chickened out and things fizzled between them. Her boyfriend never found out. Now, however, for the past 2-3 months, she has been seeing this other guy we went to high school with. She tells her boyfriend she’s with me, and then goes out and spends the night with this guy. It’s been happening 4-5 nights a week for a couple months.

She finally said she would break up with her boyfriend, so she could be with this other guy. We all helped her move out, find a new place, etc. Well, last night she told us she’s back with her boyfriend. Not only is she back with him, but she’s STILL seeing this other guy on the regular.

I feel like it’s gotten to a point where enough is enough; should I tell her boyfriend? It’s unhealthy for all three of these people to be in this relationship.

@QueenOfSerendip: No, you shouldn’t. It’s none of your business and people often shoot the messenger. She is an adult (even if she isn’t acting like one) and is accountable for her own choices. Her partner should be able to figure out that he is being two timed and if he can’t, then perhaps he lives under a rock.

I sure wouldn’t continue to be her excuse though. If he asks you, “how was [whatever event] that you and [sister’s name] went to?” then I would absolutely say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I don’t condone cheating and I won’t help anyone cheat. Having said that, I still won’t get involved in other people’s drama.

@QueenOfSerendip: I wouldn’t tell the boyfriend outright but I wouldn’t cover for her either. If she says she was with you when she was really with boyfriend 2 then I would say “No, you were out with Boyfriend 2 that night, remember?”

@Laurenplusalex: It seems the overwhelming consensus is that I shouldn’t tell him. I know the rational part of my brain agrees, but it’s SO HARD watching this go on repeatedly in front of my eyes. I WISH her BF would ask me something about xyz that we did the other night, so I could respond that we weren’t together. But he doesn’t. IDK, maybe he knows and just doesn’t want to admit it to himself.

@QueenOfSerendip: Some people do turn a blind eye to cheating. It is not up to you to decide what is best for their relationship. You think what your sister is doing is wrong (and I think most people would agree with that), but maybe she has some sort of understanding with her boyfriend. Their issues are none of anyone’s business except their own and they need to deal with them.

@QueenOfSerendip: The bond with your sister is absolutely one I would never ever want to break, or ruin. Sure, she is making TERRIBLE decisions, but she is still ‘young’ too. I think in telling her bf, you will cause a chain of events that would ultimately end up hurting that bond 🙁 Such as, her not confiding in you these things, of which ARE WRONG, but at least you know what she is up too as well!?

If I were you, I would tell her that she is not permitted to use you in her lies any longer. That if her bf were to ask if she was with you, you would need to be honest with him from this point forward.

Then, I would continuously encourage her to end things with them both. Beyond that, this is her life to live, and well, she will eventually learn the error of her ways. I promise!

Nah, just leave it and let their relationship run its course. May be he already knew about her cheating already, may be not. I would not involve in this mess. They are all adults, let them figure it out

Tell your sister you won’t lie for her or cover up for her anymore. She’s a big girl now, you don’t have to protect her from herself. So if her BF asks you what you guys did the other night, you can feel free saying, “I don’t know what you are talking about. I haven’t seen her since Saturday.”

I would sit with my sister and be firm with her : I don’t encourage you to do this, and I will not let you use me as a cover anymore.

But if your relationship is good with your sister, I would also encourage you to have an open heart conversation with her. What makes her unhappy ? Want does she want in life, and how can she achieve it ? I mean, maybe she doesn’t realize she needs direction because she’s really confused about what she wants, yet she would never dare to ask you or her friends (maybe they are not best advisers either). It really depends on the quality of your relationship, but if you two are close, you should express your concerns. Who knows, maybe you’ll help her more than you think by just being present and listening to her.