Do You Think We Can Work This Out?

My girlfriend and I had been dating for a little over a year and we had plans to move in together in a couple months. About 3 weeks back she told me she didn’t feel ready for the move so we decided we’d put it off. Since then, she said she feels like she can’t be in a relationship right now and needs time to sort out her feelings. She’s been under a lot of stress from work and misses her family. She’s moving closer to her family in the next couple of months.

The only issue we ever had was she felt like we were just boyfriend and girlfriend and not “friends” like we used to be. There is a fairly substantial age difference. I’m 30m and she’s 21f. Before this explosion, there was talk of marriage and a life together. Now I’m left wondering what happened? Do you think this is reparable if she’s given the proper space and time?

This Disclaimer applies to the Answer Below

Dr. Schwartz responds to questions about psychotherapy and mental health problems, from the perspective of his training in clinical psychology.

Dr. Schwartz intends his responses to provide general educational information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual(s).

Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses.

No correspondence takes place.

No ongoing relationship of any sort (including but not limited to any form of professional relationship) is implied or offered by Dr. Schwartz to people submitting questions.

Dr. Schwartz, Mental Help Net and CenterSite, LLC make no warranties, express or implied, about the information presented in this column. Dr. Schwartz and Mental Help Net disclaim any and all merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose or liability in connection with the use or misuse of this service.

Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician.

Answer:

Is this relationship reparable? There is really no way to answer your question because we don’t know what is going in in your girlfriends mind. At best, the only thing we could do is speculate and that get us nowhere. In fact, you need to discuss this question with her. A lot depends on how she answers it. If she just needs time but does intend to keep the relationship with you then you will know if there is a future. If she really intends to end the relationship then you have the other answer because you will know that it’s all over.

However, there is another way to approach the problem you are facing. You need to know how you feel about her need for time and what you want to do about it. There are people who would not accept a time out and would determine that the relationship is over. Why would someone reject a time out? Many people would not want to wait around until she makes up her mind. After all, what if she decided agains you after they have waited? They would want to move on with their lives. Moving on might be important to you because you are now 30 years old and want to settle into a marriage. Remember, there is a lot of uncertainty that comes with waiting for her to make her decision. Besides, how long are you supposed to wait?

Then, too, do you really want to be with someone who is unsure? People want to know that their partner loves them and wants to be with them. Taking a time out represents something other than real love. In other words, regardless of what her motivations are for a time out, you need to be clear about what you want and expect.

In reality, these are things the two of you need to talk about so each one’s position is clear. She needs to know what you want and you need to know the same about her.

So, can this relationship be repaired? Well, do you want to repair it in light of her desire for time and space? If she knows you cannot wait she might be better able to clarify her decision. If she is willing to lose you it will tell you a lot about whether you really wish to be with her. The two of you need to talk and then you need to decide.

For more information about MentalHelp.net, visit our about page or contact us.

Wait, did you know that...

Many addiction experts suggest that by removing yourself from your
typical environment, and your “triggers”, it becomes easier to get
and stay sober.
With that in mind, would you like to learn about
some of the best options for treatment in the country?