ever walked into a fastfood store with no one on the counter but you, and when you're happily devouring your meal you look back and see that the line on the counter is longer than the great wall of china? that's the jet effect...

Thursday, April 16, 2015

demands are gained
from jealousies, would flow like water drowning usbut leaving us with
just another lover's false alarm…

Stacey struggled hard, squinting her eyes, trying to decipher
what word it was that she is finding difficult to read. It was her own
handwriting, from decades ago when she was still young and naïve. The diary
entry was dated August 24, and was a record of the events of that particular
day, so descriptive that Stacey can actually feel how she had giggled while
writing that down. It was the day she
and Rico became a couple.

Stacey paused for a breath, and flashbacks of how Rico looked
seemed to blurly come into her memory. She was barely out of college then, and
he was a prince to her young eyes. She remembered how her heart skipped a beat
when Rico first said hi to her, and introduced himself. Details of that
introduction now escape her, but she was certain it was the moment when her
knees almost failed her. She skimmed a few pages back, and she was retold of
the moments prior to this particular day.

Rico came to live with his relatives in her street, a newcomer
to her village, and yet, he easily became friends with most of Stacey’s
friends. One hello led to another, and after several more hello’s, Stacey found
herself going out with Rico on dates that she actually was avoiding. Rico had
his ways of swooning her, and the words she used to describe them in her diary
were something Stacey was finding incredible now. They exchanged letters, some
of which Stacey remembered keeping in a shoe box under her bed. She’ll hunt for
them tomorrow, she thought to herself, and try to read some if she can.

Then came August 24, a Saturday. A friend was celebrating her
birthday with a dance party, typical of the times then. Stacey of course was
there. And so was Rico. He had asked her for a dance. Stacey was quite
disappointed with herself for not mentioning in the diary what music it was
they danced to, but in hindsight, she was glad she now has no chance of
reminiscing.

Stacey felt intrigued with what was written in that diary, but
the pangs of reality was there to bite her. She reads:

Long, long
talk (fast forward) I asked her about Janet, and he said “wala ako diyan!”

And finally
he asked me, “Stace, meron na ba tayo?”

S: “ikaw,
gusto mo ba?”

R: “ikaw,
nag-aalinlangan ka ba kay Janet?”

S: “hindi. Natatakot
lang ako pag nalaman ng parents ko.”

R: “e ‘di
itago natin. O ano, walang makakaalam nyan. Payag ka ba?”

After a
long, long, long pause, I finally said “yes!”

Streams of memories started gushing down her closed eyes, as if
on cue some movie was played for her to remember everything that came after
that fateful day. She didn’t need any more of the entries after that day in her
diary to help her remember. The pangs of reality was there to do that for her.
Stacey was nonetheless surprised to note that that was the second to the last
entry.

…and now it's over, both
of us free… but I feel colder…

She was naïve; that was all she could muster to comfort herself.
She did nothing wrong, She was young and naïve. Stacey closed the diary, while
she allowed those memories to come to her. She was feeling heavy in her chest.
Maybe it was anger, maybe it was regret, or maybe it was a strong feeling of
hatred for Rico, she may never know.

She loved Rico blindly. There, she was now ready to admit it.
And more.

Theirs was a whirlwind romance. Stacey could count with her
fingers and toes everything she did for him. Rico did not need much to make her
do what he wanted because Stacey would give in willingly. She remembers now
that he had a way of swooning her, as if she was hypnotized. Yes, that’s it,
she reasoned with herself. I was duped! Stacey was feeling more of the hate
that she tried to suppress for so long. She had no one to talk to about Rico,
not when her friends were nowhere when all this was happening, and certainly
not her family. They would have had a more terrible reaction than they did if
they ever learned.

She gave Rico everything. That was how deep she fell in love
with him. He was her first. They had planned their lives so perfectly together.
She was ready to marry him and start their happy family as soon as they had
settled down. And as naïve as she was,
she thought that all that love she gave was equally reciprocated.

…and now it's over, both
of us free… but I feel colder…

Then came the big bomb. One day, sometime when all of their plans
seemed to be falling in place, their lives were suddenly torn apart. Stacey saw
in her mind how she picked up the ringing phone, and heard, in her mind, Margaret’s
voice. She was Rico’s wife.

…i was tired of
thinking that our love can shine your thoughts

of our arrangements, were
really not like mine

i thought it over, and
it was plain to see the love you said you once needed

could just not come
from me…

Every recollection of the events after that memory became a blur
to Stacey. These were all that she tried so hard to forget. But that giddy
feeling reading that very old diary entry started all this downhill feeling she
is experiencing right now. She hates him; that is for sure. But not anymore.
Stacey calmed herself, by looking at the calendar, which showed the year. It
had been over fifteen years since. She is no longer the young girl she was when
she fell so desperately in love with Rico. Although this was something she
could not bear to tell anyone, she finally decided she would bear it no more.
She is finally free of him, and his memory.

Stacey flipped the next pages of the diary. There was one last
entry. It was just his name written against the now yellowing paper. She closed
the book, took the shoe box from under her bed, stood up and walked outside.
She took a lighter, and set all those documents on fire. She whispered softly,
I’m free now.

Stacey heard her husband James call out from inside the house, “Hon,
what are you doing outside? Come on in, it’s cold out there!” She paused, gave
a relieved smile to the darkness in front of her, and replied, “I was just
finishing this cigarette. I’ll be right in.”