Men: Here’s What I Wish I Could Say to You About Sex

Editors Note: This is probably the first time I have ever printed an article on my blog by a woman. But if you want to give advice to men about sex who better to ask than a woman. Only half the article is included so please go to Shelia’s great blog site to get the rest of this very timely information that will guarantee you more action in the bedroom and a happier more fulfilled wife and as the man said: “Happy wife happy life!”

On this blog I mostly give advice to women. I’ve gotten grief over that before; I’ll write a post about what women should do, and I’ll hear back: “but it’s my husband who’s the problem!”

I understand the sentiment, but my goal is not to figure out who is to blame; my goal is to figure out solutions that work. And the only person you can change is yourself, so change has to start with you. That’s why I spend so much time telling women how important sex is in marriage, or how to boost their friendship with their husbands, or how to work on themselves. I’ve even written a whole series on how women can bring passion back into their marriages, along with several books on how important sex is.

Most of the time, then, I’m telling women to step up to the plate. Nevertheless, if I could offer some Christian sex advice for men for a change, there would be plenty I’d like to say. So I think I’ll take this opportunity to get a few things off of my chest.

Tell Your Wife She’s Beautiful

Counting your wife’s calories is not cool. Telling her, “I’m sorry, but I have to be honest, and I just don’t find you sexy anymore since you had kids” is not cool. Hint: you were the one who got her pregnant in the first place! Questioning what she orders at a restaurant is not cool. Telling her you’d find her more attractive if she worked out more is not cool.

She is your wife. You are supposed to cherish her. So if you want to have a horrible sex life and a horrible marriage, by all means, go ahead and keep criticizing her. But if you actually want to love her sacrificially, and empower her to change, then how about trying this approach: Tell her she’s beautiful. Caress her. Love her. Show her what body parts you absolutely love–because chances are she’s way harder on herself than you ever could be.

And if you do really want her to lose weight, then do it with her! Don’t make it her responsibility. Take up a hobby together, and you figure out what to do with the kids for baby-sitting. Suggest you take a walk together after dinner. Start cooking healthy meals. If you don’t find her attractive, then you’re part of the problem. Be part of the solution.

Touch Her–Without Expecting It to Go Anywhere

Do you know how many women just stop kissing or touching in any way because you men have given her the idea that if she kisses you, she therefore owes you sex because she got your engines running?

If you give her that impression, then you’ve also pretty much guaranteed you’ll have a lousy sex life.

Why? Because women aren’t always sure that they want the touch to go somewhere. So they’ll stop touching to avoid a fight. But if they stop touching, they then get rid of one of the primary ways that they feel safe, close, and even desired. You need touch in your relationship if you’re going to boost her libido.

Read this post where women explained what touch means to them. And then start touching your wife more–all the time–without it necessarily being sexual. She needs this, and it will pay off big time!

Don’t Make her More Exhausted than She Already Is

When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that women’s number one reason for not wanting sex is that they are absolutely exhausted. And when women are exhausted, it’s hard to want sex. We have to be able to concentrate to enjoy sex. If we’re tired we can’t concentrate. That’s just the way our bodies were made.

So if you want more sex, then go out of your way to make sure your wife isn’t exhausted. Help with the housework. Put the kids in bed. Help her figure out what commitments she can say no to. Praise her so that she doesn’t feel like she has to work harder to be good enough. Don’t criticize her housekeeping.

And go to bed at a decent hour! If you want sex, then playing video games until one in the morning and then expecting her to be there for you is ridiculous. If sex is important to you, then prioritize it by helping her feel less tired.

Figure out Where the Clitoris is–And What To Do with It

If your wife isn’t having a good time in bed, it may be because she has sexual issues. That’s certainly the case with some of the women that talk to me. But for the vast majority, when sex doesn’t feel good it’s because her husband hasn’t taken the time to learn how to make her feel good, and she’s given up.

Why should she want sex a lot if it isn’t feeling good for her? So take time to figure out how she likes to be touched (hint: chances are it’s a lot lighter than you liked to be touched). Figure out WHERE she likes to be touched and HOW she likes to be touched. Take some time exploring her body. And make it your goal to make her feel great.

Many women are embarrassed to tell their husbands what they want, and others may not even know what feels good. They need some time to explore. Don’t take her silence to mean you’re doing everything right. If she’s not in ecstasy, you have work to do. Accept that it’s your responsibility, not just hers.