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I realize that it has been a few days since I posted. I have been struggling a ‘bit and feel just…..sad. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and talking it out, and I have started to see some things a little ‘bit clearer. This is going to be more of a vent ‘sesh, but I kind of need to just get this out there and off of my chest so I feel better. 🙂 There may not be any order to what I’m saying, but I’m just getting my thoughts down on paper…or computer screen. 🙂

As I’ve talked about in previous blog posts, the one thing I struggle the most with is moderation. For me, everything is either in excess or nothing at all. It’s sooooo hard for me to find that balance, that in between! So I either have to be all in or I feel like I go all out. Prime example is eating a “cheat meal”. It’s really hard for me to eat good all week, and then on a Saturday, indulge by having A burger and A beer. That burger and a beer turns into cheese curds for an appetizer, sweet potato fries as a side, 3-4 beers, AND a dessert. By then, chances are that I will probably end up eating something else “bad” that night, and maybe even again Sunday morning because I figure, “Well, I already blew it, what’s the point now”. It is SOOOOO hard for me to kick this mentality. Because of my difficulty with this word “moderation”, I find that it leads to me getting VERY upset with myself…beating myself up…calling myself fat, a failure, etc. I look in the mirror and am not happy with what I see so I just throw in the towel. In turn, I eat away those feelings of shame, guilt, etc.

On the contrary, I don’t allow myself to have a life when all I focus on is my diet and what “I think” is me feeling really good. You see, when I am not indulging at all, my life is blogging, diet and the gym. I become so obsessed with it in a sense that I shut myself out from the outside world and don’t let myself enjoy any of the wonderful things that my ONE beautiful life has to offer. When I think about everything that makes me happy, they all have to do with being with friends and loved ones, socializing, traveling, etc. With these things I enjoy, eating out, trying new foods, having drinks together, etc. comes naturally. I can’t do these things and be truly happy if I’m constantly obsessing over my weight and every single thing I put into my body.

That being said, I not only need to try and practice moderation more, but I need to become comfortable with who I am and what makes me happy. I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF. Would I rather be 140 pounds and “miserable”, meaning that I have to watch every. single. thing. I. eat.? If I have that burger one night a week or five nights a week, do I want to be in that place where I am constantly beating myself up for doing so? That place of preaching self hate rather than self love? Or, would I rather be 150 and not as “slim” as I am trying to be, but healthy, working out and enjoying life? That right there is what I’m struggling with on a daily basis. I have to come to realize that God gave me so many FABULOUS things so why focus on the one area of my life that I’m not happy with? Weight, beauty, etc. is only skin deep. These things are ever evolving and ever changing. 20 years from now am I going to care more that I went out and had that burger with 10 of my best friends or that I turned it down because I didn’t want to slip up because I “couldn’t control myself”?

With this, I also find that I am struggling with maybe the “unrealistic” goals I set. I know that if I go into lock down and don’t let myself “live” over the next three months, I will be 140 by Germany. But that means no eating out, no enjoying summer, no living life. How fun does that sound, especially when I have many busy weekends ahead of me full of friends, laughter, concerts, travel, etc.? THOSE are more important to me than being 140 pounds by Germany. I will never get those moments back. As referenced above, those are the moments that I will remember in 20, 30, 40 years time.

That being said, I’m shifting my goals a ‘bit. I’m making them more realistic for me. I want to get to 148 – 150 before I go to Germany. This was the weight that I was in the beginning of this year, and I truly think this is my “happy weight” for now. Back in January, I was not hating myself for being up to 148 pounds from 140, but I knew I could get back down to 140 if I really tried. Hell, even at 150 I was still finding myself fitting in my clothes and feeling frickin’ FANTASTIC about life. That’s when I met Ryan, and I truly think that was because I was confident in who I was, felt good about myself, and was enjoying life. I was happy. 🙂 So happy that I put on 10-15 pounds LOL but I should be thankful that I have found someone who makes me happy and that I’m not miserable at 140 with a guy who is emotionally abusive.

So, that being said, that’s my new goal. It’s more realistic, attainable and still allows me to live my life this summer and enjoy the things I want to do. When winter comes, we’ll see where I go, but for now, it’s shifting. Because tomorrow is never promised, and I don’t want to live my life cooped up inside and not able to be out with my family, boyfriend and friends because I don’t know moderation. I promise I’ll practice it though. 🙂

Well, it has definitely been a few days since I last wrote! Ryan and I went to Wisconsin for the weekend so needless to say, I was not counting my calories, nor was I sitting down and writing blog posts from the hotel every night. 🙂 I knew this was going to happen and that’s okay because it is summer, and I am still trying to have a life. Last time I completely cut out most of the fun, which was fine in the winter, but it’s really hard with summer temptations! 🙂

All things considered, I actually did not do that bad while out of town. The trip was awesome, and it was so nice to get out of Chicago for the weekend. Milwaukee is a great city and close enough to escape the hustle and bustle. I will be back to the grind tomorrow (Tuesday) and counting the calories again so get ready! 🙂 Here are a few pictures from our weekend away together:

Today was a little ‘bit of a rough day! Not only was it dreary outside, but it was just one of those “I’m not feelin’ it days”. Know what I’m talking about? 🙂 We had an All Hands Team Meeting at work today, and they catered lunch in for us. Yummmmm! I was pretty good all things considered, and guess what – I threw away a chocolate chip cookie and a brownie only after having a bite! This was a milestone for me because I loveeeee my sweets! Having a “taste” was enough for me, and I was able to resist the urge to eat the entire thing. *Pats myself on the back.*

I had the intent to leave work, go home and park my car and then run to my acupuncture appointment. My acupuncturist’s office is exactly 5 miles from my house so I figured that would be a nice Wednesday run. Unfortunately, traffic ended up being BRUTAL so I didn’t even get home until 6:00 p.m. There went my plan to run! So, I didn’t end up getting a workout in because you’re not supposed to workout after acupuncture, but that’s okay. I’ll use today as my “break day”. Plus, my IT band has really been in pain so it’s probably better I let it rest. My acupuncturist did some work on my band – stuck some needles in, light massage, etc. and it felt great, but was a little painful! She also referred me to a sports medicine masseuse to see if she can work with me on my knee. I’m going to be giving her a call tomorrow!

Last but not least, I was way over on calories today. With the PMS, I am snacking and a bottomless pit! I feel like I’m never full and all I want to do is eat. LOL. So, I kept it “healthy” but still over consumed from a calorie standpoint. Whomp whomp. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day!!! Talk to you then!

It was easy to get back into the formal routine of things today since I didn’t completely binge and get derailed this weekend. What an amazing feeling! I am starting to PMS though so I was a little more hungry than usual. And hungry for bad things, not good. 😦 So, I did have some potato chips with lunch and a skinny cow ice cream sandwich, but all were within my daily calorie count so I am not going to stress or worry about it.

Ferocious storms rolled through tonight and there were a few times when it looked like a funnel cloud was going to touch down at any moment. Here are two shots I took from my apartment. Notice the eerie green sky (the picture doesn’t even do it justice, really). Where I’m from, a green sky means favorable tornado conditions!

Thankfully, I was able to get a run in before the storms! Time to watch this lightning storm and call it a night so talk to you tomorrow!

Today was a fun day! Ryan and I woke up and went to the store to get some breakfast and then went back to his house to cook it. We started to look into booking a week trip to Milwaukee this weekend and our trip away to Austin in August. We are looking into staying in haunted hotels in both places – FUN! 🙂 So while we were looking at these hotels, we started watching the movie “The Conjuring”. Have any of you seen it?? OMG – FREAKY! Watch it if you like scary movies. 🙂

After the movie we went to the driving range. I will give you a little back story to this – I bought a set of clubs two or so years ago and have used them one time. Yep, ONE TIME. I went with an instructor from my work to the driving range and hadn’t touched them since. Well, Ryan is an avid golfer (and very good, too!) so he helped me with my swing and gripping the club. I have to say – I didn’t think I was all that bad given it was my second time ever using them and my first time playing in over a year. We did the putting green and then went out on the course for a few holes too, and by the end of the afternoon, I was swinging and hitting the ball much better. I think getting out and doing it more often will help, and I hope we get out and play again soon! 🙂 Here is a little collage I put together from the day:

We went back to his house afterwards and had a delicious dinner then drove into the city and ended the night with some froyo. I did slip up a little more than I wanted to today, but with the first week almost under my belt and not really having a cheat meal, I didn’t feel guilty. 🙂 Back to the grind tomorrow. Talk to you then!

Workout

2.5 hours of golf (driving range, putting green, 5-6 holes) (I’m not sure how many calories this burns, but when I typed it into MyFitnessPal, it seemed high. Considering I was driving a golf cart for some of the time, I’m going with 80-90 minutes of actual swinging time and 300 calories burned.)

Note – I was in Joliet Saturday and Sunday so I am just getting around to posting these on Monday morning!!!

First things first! I stepped on the scale this morning because I am EXTREMELY impatient. Haha! I wanted to make sure that everything I have been doing for the past 4 days has started to work. Well, it certainly has because I am down 4 pounds! The scale read 162.0, which is still way heavier than I want to be…and where I was prior to the float trip…BUT I still have 3 full days before my Tuesday weigh-in. I am hoping that I can get down another pound or two before then, putting me right at 160.0. My goal in the first month was 10-15 pounds (because I assumed that some of that was water weight from the float trip) so if I hit 160 by Tuesday, I should hopefully be able to get down to 154-155 by July 24th. I’d be thrilled!

I went for a 6.6 mile run today and felt pretty good. As you’ll see below, I burned 1,185 calories. Holla! That gave me some freedom for when Ryan and I went to the Taste of Joliet tonight. We saw Brett Eldredge and Eric Paslay. They were soooo good, and I got the chance to meet Eric! Exciting stuff! I had a few 16 oz. beers, but only a few sips off of each one. I would say I had one total everything combined so you’ll see that reflected in my calorie count. We went to dinner after the taste (didn’t care to stay for Thompson Square) and ended up going to this sports bar called Heroes West. As tempting as the burgers, fries, pizza, etc. were, I ended up going with a baked Walleye with sauteed spinach and veggies on the side. I was proud for that one! LOL 🙂 Anyhow, I’m pooped and off to bed so write more tomorrow! xo

Total from here is 507 calories. It was hard to keep track of the calories the rest of the day, but I did make a conscious effort to be smart about what I ate. I have logged below what I ate, but hard to tell the calorie count. 2,385 is the amount of calories that I was allowed for the day so minus the 507, that still leaves me with 1,878. Plus the extra calories I had “left over” from the week. I’m not too worried about it! 🙂

I am so happy the weekend is here! I stayed in tonight and got some stuff done around the house (laundry, cleaning, etc.). I also got a workout in, but it wasn’t as good as I had hoped. I think with the weight gain, it has really slowed me down as far as my running pace, endurance and so forth. I am still extremely sore from my leg workout on Wednesday so I’m sure that isn’t helping either. 🙂 But, I just keep telling myself that a workout is better than no workout, and it will only be a matter of time until I’m back to where I was fitness wise!

The other thing is that I have been extremeeeeely tired and sleeping like a rock this week! I feel like I have no energy, when I should be full of it! Can anyone comment on this? Do you think it’s because my body is adjusting back to a healthier lifestyle?

Anyways, I’m off to bed here shortly because I am exhausted! Going to run for as long as I can tomorrow since it’s my “long run” training day. Good night, and talk to you tomorrow!