Great news, Stockton, California! You no longer have to pretend that Nick Diaz is the greatest mixed martial arts fighter to ever come from your area. Instead, the middle-finger-waving soccer moms have a new hero to admire, as a man named Abel Simmons recently proved that sometimes it pays off to practice the violence that you learn from TV.

When Simmons, his wife and their two young children were arriving home from a friend’s house after watching UFC 160 this past weekend, a man began pounding on the windows of their SUV in their own driveway, as he wanted to steal their ride. Simmons’ wife was in the driver’s seat, so as she distracted the would-be carjacker, Simmons snuck around the side and handled business… STOCKTON STYLE.

The guy punched Simmons in the face. That was when Simmons tried several mixed martial arts moves. He wasn’t able to restrain the assailant right away.

“I just snatched his legs and took him down. I had just put him in an arm bar, he slipped right out of it. So then I got him in a rear naked choke and started rolling and squirming around. He got out of that as well,” said Simmons.

But the last move he tried worked.

“I had him in a guillotine choke. And he wasn’t getting out of that. I had that lock really tight,” said Simmons. “I just held him in place and said, ‘Well, guess you are going to jail tonight buddy.'” (Via ABC News 10)

The only thing that would have made this story better – aside from, obviously, Brittney Palmer sitting at the side of the driveway while blowing kisses at me – would be if the neighbor just set up a tailgate chair and cracked open a beer. But even without that, I absolutely love this story so much.

That’s because you were in a Free Brawl match and irish whipped the home invader on a diagonal slope. Everyone knows if you don’t irish whip a guy in a 180 degree whip, he’ll keep running forever. It’s one of God’s greatest glitches.

Anyway, once you Irish-whip the invader into the wall, you need to press A to get the knockout animation.

Nick’s too busy putting all his money into his dumb WAR MMA promotion’s first event in June instead of paying for house buying school tuition, while Nate’s trying to figure out which slurs are okay to use and which aren’t (Hint: none of them are okay to use).