Ive been having problems for yrs with my now ex (strange saying that but I guess it had to happen) with his affairs infidieties etc .. He's been on his best behaviour trying to win me back though I haven't been able to forgive or forget this time .. Last time was just after my nan died he went off .. He again swears blind he has always only loved and wanted me but pretty hard to believe due to all the girls that I know about!!! Councilling hasn't really worked to be honest.. As he's not here anymore I am fine most days but last night I told him I don't think we have a future I can offer only friendship and he dropped his car off and walked off and I've not heard from him since! Which is unlike him.. I'm a veracity airing person as I know I should not give him the time of day after what I've been through but well you can't help being that way after spending 8years with someone you thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life with!! Anyhow I know he's suffering with depression now and very low mood .. He's attempted to self harm and told me he feels if he can't have me he's gonna end it all!!! I can't allow myself to be pressured this way and feel his trying to manipulate me as he has done for so long .. Just wondered if anyone had any ideas in this as I'm tempted to go round see if he's in land of the living still. It's worrying me but I guess that's he plan? ...

Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: England

sadinscotland♀ 42303Member # 42303

Posted: 5:58 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014

Hi there,
my WH threatened suicide each time I found out about his cyber shenanigans. I was worried and stayed because I hoped we could fix the disaster we called marriage. (The house had lots of rafters and beams and I had visions of him doing something drastic).

But now I see this as emotional blackmail and his more recent ravings I have completely ignored.

If you are worried have someone else go check on him. But don't go yourself. Tell his family?

You know he is manipulating you. Dropping off the car, disappearing, the threat of harming himself is all a way to control you. If he threatens suicide again, let him know you will contact the proper authorities and they will help him, but it is not on you to save him.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2014

Girlygirly2006♀ 41183Member # 41183

Posted: 7:01 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014

I thank you for your advice as I'm sat here still wondering what to do.. He's so selfish doing this when he swears he loves me I'm his world etc and he puts me through this?? His family don't want to know he cuts people out at a drop of a hat

I understand there is the manipulation and control thing going on , I'm just sick of playing these games!! It's been 4months since his last encounter .. I'm just struggling to forgive him I wouldn't mind but offered to be a friend to be honest I shouldn't give him the time of day!!! But emotions and feelings are a little harder to get a grip on

Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: England

BtraydWife♀ 42581Member # 42581

Posted: 9:19 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014

Why do you feel like you need to forgive him? He hasn't stopped hurting you and now he is manipulating you.

If he threatens to hurt himself again, call the authorities. Otherwise you need to get yourself to a healthier emotional state. IC is a great place for that.

You can not save him from himself. Your needs should be your priority.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 3544 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States

norabird♀ 42092Member # 42092

Posted: 9:26 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014

((((((hugs)))))

This is absolute manipulation,fullstop. Do NOT give in to checking on him. It is a bluff. And you know what? His mental and physical health is his concern only now. It is not yours. He doesn't want to lose you? Well, he could actually change and show you that with actions--instead he just wants to throw a pity party and coerce you to feed his ego and comfort him, even though that means abandoning your won best interests.

Also, there is no need for you to forgive him. Just move on honey.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4284 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 3:44 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014

His actions are not those of a friend. Why in the world would you want to be a friend with someone who betrays you, lies to you, tries to emotionally manipulate you, and use you? That's not friendship. That's being a welcome mat asking to be trod upon!

NC, No Contact, is your best friend. If he threatens to self-harm, call the authorities and report him. If he gets hauled away to a mandatory mental holding tank, he'll be far less likely to try that trick again and if he really needs to be there, then you've done your good deed for the day. You are not his therapist. You are his EX. EX is short for EXIT, and you need to exit his drama.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 5662 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

Girlygirly2006♀ 41183Member # 41183

Posted: 4:07 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014

I hate this shit been 4 weeks now living alone and still feel up and down all the time he still tries to get back with me though not Ina heavy way . His emails are "clean" other than his junk folder!!! But in a way I'm sick of looking and after all I a lady know about it doesn't really make a difference. I miss who I used to be , who I thought we were! he was my world I was due to marry him now I'm left with a wedding dress to sell and well that kinda hurts too though best to find out now than later hey! He says he still wants marriage but I laugh at that !!! What planet does he think I came from?? I'm still very much screwed up so wishing we were together but I know I can never trust him again it's so hard it's a constant battle I don't know how to get peace from.. When I don't hear from him I wish I did when I do it makes me worse .. I can't win!! Maybe I need to go back to councilling see if they can help me.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: England

Lola88♀ 41540Member # 41540

Posted: 5:31 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014

Please don't sell yourself short, you deserve so much more than he is prepared to give you (((girlygirl2006)))

He has no intention of changing his ways and the emotional blackmail is something you will be required to put up with forever if you tie yourself to him.

There are so many decent fellas out there, wanting loyal partners - give yourself the chance to get the man you deserve!

Dump the loser! X

Posts: 128 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK

Girlygirly2006♀ 41183Member # 41183

Posted: 5:55 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014

Thing is I see now he is now hurting and no access to internet etc going to healthy minds to find out why he does what he does but I still can't find it in my heart if hearts to forgive or give him another chance.. But saying that finding it very hard to fully let go !! I keep thinking of all the girls I know he "wanted" and the ones that I know he has been to see there's at least 5-6 Secret either internet shenanigans I know of that he's kept secret from me girls he's tried to get to know better should I say but 2 def ones he's been involved with ..the worst part about this is the fact that he done them when it was either my birthday and last time I found out was after my Nan's funeral thing was he was there comforting me when I broke down at her funeral !!!!! I can't forgive or trust but finding it hard to carry on my life as I would like .. why will I let go and get on with my life I feel I've lost so much time already with this ...

Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: England

crazynot♀ 24572Member # 24572

Posted: 6:32 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014

You're young, not even married to this worthless loser... yes, you're sad that the relationship has broken up but leave it behind. Leave HIM behind. He has betrayed you and treated you like nothing. Absolutely DO NOT check on him and also stop checking his emails. He is nothing. Make him nothing to you.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK

Girlygirly2006♀ 41183Member # 41183

Posted: 6:40 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014

Yeah I guess I'm lucky not to have married him regrading all the stress and hassle etc that others in here have had to deal with .. I appreciate all the advice I get from u guys it really helps I just need to keep focused and determined NAND stop my stupid emotional soft side printer feeing with what I know I should do.. This is the hardest battle I've had to face think I end to get a life and get out more !! Need to have a focus and be left alone to think so much.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: England

Girlygirly2006♀ 41183Member # 41183

Posted: 6:43 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014

Sorry some of that doesn't make any sense ...!!! I hope you understand what it is I'm trying to say

Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: England

crazynot♀ 24572Member # 24572

Posted: 10:46 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014

Yes... absolutely know what you (and the wonders of predictive text) are trying to say. It's always hard to let go. But this is not an optional situation, really! It's one where the advice about just forgetting about someone and getting over them applies. Be kind to yourself. See friends. Do things you like... particularly things you liked doing before you met HIM.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK

SadInNC♀ 42170Member # 42170

Posted: 11:40 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014

Take his car and drive it a few blocks away. Park it and lock it. Walk home. I gurarantee that you'll be hearing from him soon. At that point you can throw the keys in his face and tell him you are done. Sorry you hhad to deal with his games. No more.