7 Things No One Tells You About Planning a Lesbian Wedding

So, as you may have noticed, gay weddings have been getting a lot of attention lately, and for good reason. With increasing frequency, many states across the U.S. are legalizing gay marriage, and the recent repeal of DOMA requires all fifty states to recognize those marriages. *shoots confetti gun*

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My own totally gay wedding was quite timely, if I do say so myself, coming just a few months after DOMA got clotheslined this past June. My wife and I were also fortunate to live in New York, where getting gay-married has been legal since 2011. And while I certainly was never the type to plan out my future wedding in binders with color-coded sections, I did want to have a ceremony and a reception in a fairly traditional manner (with a healthy dose of Brooklyn flair, of course). As it turns out, planning a big gay wedding shares many of the same hurdles as planning a straight wedding, but it can also carry a few unique experiences all its own. So, without further ado I present to you: Seven Important Things To Know About Planning a Lesbian Wedding.

1. It still costs so much fucking money. Spoiler Alert: Your lesbian wedding will still cost you all the money you have and then some, unless you are getting married in a field of wildflowers owned by your grandfather and serving water and toast points. From the food to the drinks to the clothing to the décor and aaaaaall the many things that you'll never think of until the bill comes, planning a giant gay love party (aka a wedding) can put a serious dent in your bank account. Also, if we are going to talk about really traditional weddings, I am pretty sure the parents of the bride are supposed to pay, in which case good luck figuring that one out.

But here's a fun thing for us big gayballs: Some vendors might just give you a discount for being totally gay. You think I'm kidding, right? I, too, thought the manager at Brooklyn's Baked was kidding when he looked my future wife and I in the eyes and told us our cupcake order would be receiving a "same-sex discount" of 10 percent. Turns out some businesses are so excited by the newly passed laws of equality in this country that they want to celebrate right along with us. I'LL TAKE IT.

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2. You have to deal with all the same family shit, and then some. Creating an invite list is always hard. If you invite Aunt Betty then you'll have to invite Uncle Ted, but then Billy, Sarah, and Chester will feel left out so where do you draw the line?! If you are a big gay, though, this invitation juggling act can be further complicated if there are people in your family who are less than pleased about your sexuality, and who may also be less than pleased about attending a gay wedding. Several members of my extended family weren't so sure they could attend our ceremony because of religious beliefs, and I decided to leave it up to them. I invited the whole gang (Billy, Sarah, and Chester included), and sent as thoughtful an email as I could muster to those I knew weren't as accepting. The note urged them to come only if they'd be comfortable, and to otherwise feel OK with sending their regrets. At the end of the day, you and your partner will probably want to be surrounded by the people who can celebrate freely with you, as this is, at its core, a day about your love for each other.

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3. Matching two dresses is IMPOSSIBLE. If you are both getting dresses, consider yourself warned: The color white comes in approximately 4,589,274 shades, and only about three combinations therein look OK standing next to each other. I will tell you what, though: My wife and I decided to get our dresses from J.Crew and their sales associates were the most helpful, wonderful humans on planet Earth. They talked to me (over the world wide web, people, I didn't even go into the store) about which styles were of interest and then (STILL ON THE INTERNET) they pulled those styles out to see how the different shades of white/ivory/beige/etc. went together. Brilliant. Fifty points for Gryffindor J.Crew.

4. And suits can be just as tricky. If one or both of you wants to rock it out in a suit, you will also find out very quickly that many female-bodied humans have a hard time looking as badass as they want to in suits typically designed for male-bodied humans. NEVER YOU FEAR. Companies like Kipper Clothiers in San Francisco and Bindle & Keep in New York create custom-tailored suits for all-bodied humans, and will get you looking super-fly for the occasion.

5. Bridesmaids don't have to be maids. I am going to start this off by saying that I do not understand the rigid gender divisions that are often put on selecting bridesmaids and groomsmen. Are we really still in a place where we call women MAIDS, and where we all have close family and friends who are all the same gender as we are?! C'mooooon. I wholeheartedly believe that no matter the straightness or gayness of your wedding, if you want a wedding party, they should be the people (All genders!) closest to you. Which automatically takes out any complications of choosing the people you'd like to have in your party.

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6. BONUS: You do have a few more options for the décor. Everyone knows that the way you decorate a gay wedding is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than the way you decorate a straight wedding, right? *record screech* You guys … picking out the way you seat your guests, what color napkins they are going to wipe their mouths with, and if you are going to use daisies in mason jars or wildflowers in watering cans is all the exact same no matter who you're marrying.

I will, however, say this. If you are looking for a little less-than-traditional flair at your kinda traditional wedding, there are some pretty fun ways to get a good chuckle in with your gay décor. May I present to you one of our favorite tongue-in-cheek decorations of my wedding:

7. Is this shit even legal?! So, the biggest differential between straight and gay weddings is, obviously, the legality of the whole shebang (no pun intended). Right now, 18 states out of 50 have legalized gay marriage, and the remaining 33 prohibit gay marriage. However, this past June the Defense of Marriage Act was repealed, which means that all states are required to recognize married couples, gay or straight, on a federal level. That means that now, my marriage in New York — which was previously legal in New York and recognized only in the states where gay marriage was also legal — is now legal in New York and must be recognized in any state in this country. When my wife and I went to get our marriage license at the City Clerk's office in Brooklyn, we were one of four lesbian couples in line. Many couples have been waiting years — some decades — to have their unions legally recognized, and it is pretty incredible to be alive in a time when we are finally being afforded equal rights. You can read a whole bunch on theYou can read a whole bunch on the HRC website which can tell you more about DOMA and how it might impact you. Wheeeee!

Three cheers for gettin' gay-married to whomever you want, however you want. Am I right?!

Kristin Russo lives in New York City and holds a master's degree in gender studies. She co-runs the website everyoneisgay.com with Dannielle Owens-Reid.

Do you have questions or topic requests for Kristin and Dannielle? Ask them HERE.

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