Memories of my infant circumcision

"Babies can’t feel pain. And even if he does feel pain, he won’t remember it anyway!" A rather heartless justification for causing pain to your son.

My memories of circumcision:

Although I was raised in a family that didn’t talk about sex, or our bodies, and even used made up words to talk about bathroom behaviors and body parts, I had questions. I was very young when I started asking my mom about my penis. Of course nobody had ever mentioned it, but I knew that I had been "CUT" down there. I actually believed at the time that the doctor had carved the groove behind my glans (what I now know as the sulcus). I wasn’t sure what had been done, but I knew it had been an act of cutting. I knew I had been hurt. I learned later that I was missing something. I was missing something important.

I was in college when I had my first intact boyfriend; it was then that I figured out what, exactly, I was missing. When I first saw him without clothes, I was excited to see what a “normal” penis looked like—the way they’re supposed to be. What I didn’t expect to see is how he got pleasure from things that would have had no effect upon my scarred, diminished penis. Compared to him, I had to go to extremes to get even a little pleasure. I knew I had been robbed . . . I just hadn’t realized the extent and value of what had been taken.

This wasn’t my first knowledge of the intact penis. I learned about the intact penis and foreskin in school and had already developed the intactivist spirit. But it was my first "hands-on" experience with one.

As I dealt with issues of my childhood, I briefly saw a therapist to get in touch with my feelings of vulnerability, grief, and loss. Talking to a therapist, I brought up my feelings of loss and grief related to my circumcision. She listened closely. As I talked honestly for the first time about my feelings about being circumcised, I started to go into what I can only describe as a state of shock. I remember her asking: “Walt? What are you feeling right now.” She said I went pale and started shaking. She saw terror in my eyes.

“I don’t know,” I told her. “I don’t have words for this. My hips hurt like they are being crushed and my elbows ache and my penis is burning.” My heart was racing. I was dizzy. I wanted to run away, but I couldn't move. I was re-experiencing a childhood trauma—circumcision. We discussed that and I decided to learn more about it.

This happened in the early 1990’s. Shortly after my therapy sessions, a friend and I went to several NOCIRC events in the Seattle area. During one event, we marched to the front door of the company that manufactures the Circumstraint board—the board they use to strap down the new born. (I enjoyed picketing them). Somebody brought a Circumstraint board, which we filled with blood-red carnations. But when I saw the Circumstraint board, I realized that its straps cross mid-thigh and across the upper arm. Such a design would not put pressure on the hips or the elbows, that is, the places where I felt the pressure in my re-experience. I started to question if those feelings were just my mind filling in what I had imagined had happened to me. Maybe they were just my interpretation of infant circumcision. I was confused. It had felt so real.

Later, I was talking to an intactivist nurse about the Circumstraint board, and if there were different designs that maybe strapped at the arms and hips. She explained that the board was not yet used when I was born. It didn’t come into use until 12 years after I was born. So I asked her how they restrained the babies when I was born. I’ll never forget what she said.

She told me that the nurse stands at the head of the infant and holds the thighs of the child in each hand. She spreads the infant’s legs and forces the femurs down pinning the hips to the table. The nurse then uses her forearms to pin the child’s elbows down.

This explained exactly what I felt that day! Hips=pressure, Elbows=Pressure, Penis=burning pain.

I have no doubt that my body remembers my circumcision on the second day of my life. I relived it that day almost three decades later. I had no way of knowing that it involved my hips and elbows, but that’s exactly what came up when I let myself feel the memory that was in my body. I would probably not believe this myself, but I was there. I felt it. At the time I did not know how I had been restrained when I was circumcised, so I couldn’t have made it up. Something in me remembered—remembers.

I know exactly why I’m crying as I write this down.

This is Walt's story. He is a guest blogger who reminds us that the human mind is a wondrous part of our body that still baffles scientists.

I thank Walt for sharing an intimate part of his life on the Restoring Tally blog. His story confirms, once again, that male infant circumcision harms men and is a practice that needs to stop. ~ Tally

Comments

The brutality of circumcision is a horrific revelation. I married an "intact" man from Europe and the first time we really discussed it was prior to the birth of our first child. Being raised in the US and fearing heckling in the locker room, I just assumed we would do it, but he was having absolutely nothing to do with it. It was only after discussing it as some kind of bizarre cultural norm here that I (of course) became outraged and agreed not to have it done.

Our son is now seven years old and a few weeks ago, we were telling him stories about his birth and I mentioned that on the day after he was born, the doctor came in our room, closed the door, sighed a big sigh and told us how glad she was to see the "no circ" sign on his bassinet. Suddenly I realized that he had no idea what circumcision was. When I asked him if he ever saw another kiddo's pee-pee in the bathroom or when changing, he confirmed that he had, but just assumed that God made them differently. When I explained that God made everyone like him, but some Mommies and Daddies decided to remove part of their pee-pees. Since it was not something that needed to be done, we left the decision for him to make later on. If a baby is too small to make a decision and they could be hurt by not doing something like that, then the Mom and Dad should absolutely go ahead with it, but otherwise, the decision isn't theirs to make. It was literally an hours long conversation with a multitude of absolutely fascinating questions.

That was maybe 3-4 weeks ago and he STILL frequently comes to give me a hug and says "Mommy, thank you so much for saving my pee-pee!"

Just over the course of two weeks I have been getting alot of insight (thanks to my cousin) about male circumcsion. At first I did not care to hear it because it's the norm and every male infant get's it done. I watched how it was done on youtube and it was horrifying, I could not watch it any longer, I was literally sick at my stomach. My cousin continued to post stories and tell me more about this, and now I TRUELY regret having it done to my two boys. Everytime I change my youngest son's diaper I see what torture he must have went through, and it saddens me deeply. It is too late for my boy's but I will spread the word and let young and old mother's know about this devastaing procedure.

I'm 73 now. I have this memory about dreadful, horrible, want to not be here, go back horrible place. I didn't know the words then but those were the feelings on my infant circumcision. I now boast 32 scars on the glans of my penis where the doctor "Lysed off the foreskin" and my penis is so insensitve that normal sex is not possible. This has had a terrible effect on my marriage making my wife feel inadequate and unloved. I so wish they had just left the fucking thing ALONE!

Who is this guy?

Restoring Tally is just an ordinary guy who had to confront his prostate and circumcision problems. This site chronicles his journey in dealing with these issues. He has had prostate surgery and he is restoring his foreskin.