Two months ago I went to India. It was a spiritual journey to Khajuraho that involved Yoga and meditation. I did see Dehli and Varanasi on the way. I went with a question; should I do a PhD?The 10 year pattern of my life changed in the fall of 2014 when my son left for boarding school. Since then, I have been struggling to redefine myself now that my identity as "mom, drive me to all my practices, games, school, feed me and entertain me" has shifted to very part time mom, who is only really needed when shopping or looking for food on his short visits home.

It was very appropriate then that the first talk of this Yoga retreat centred around how we create self identity. We tell stories to build connections with people who will reinforce our identity, we do things that reinforce our sense of our our self. My sense of self was wide open when my son left because so much of my life was built around him. My schedule, the people I talked to, the things we talk about. I then further shifted the identity by leaving the job I had been i for over 12 years to embark on a role I had forayed into only part time. Only to discover this role was not "me."So, who am I? has been the burning question for 2 years.

In India I saw so many hungry and desperate people. They were hungry. They lied. They followed me. They bartered. They tried to over charge me. They took me to a place I didn't ask to go. If you bought something, they tried to sell me something else in addition. They were striving so hard, I had a hard time feeling compassion for them. I felt a lot of annoyance.

Before going to India, I was in the process of preparing for grad school. Since my return, I have not been interested in doing the things necessary to apply. My reflections on India include the realization that I have a pretty blessed life. Why was I working so hard to fill it with stuff; a PhD or a bigger job? I really liked the simplicity I lived in India. Rising and meditating, reflecting, eating well prepared food and practicing and not striving, but resting in the beauty of my experience. I really liked who I was; cheerful and playful. Smiling, peaceful.Now, as we await the answers to my sons' school applications, I consider the preparation of my resume, and I review my transcripts in consideration of the PhD, I feel myself pulled back into the striving. I even considered hard climbing again.

I believe the difference is between striving to succeed at something and the willingness to grow. In the striving there is expectation and worry about meeting the expectation. In the growing there is a curiosity and freedom. The answer to my PhD question then lies in considering what growing would mean for me, rather than what identity I want now.