Ruthless Horoscopes

Aquarius

Sick of seeing all of these engagement and baby announcements on social media? Thinking you may be better off alone? You’re right, my dear Aquarius. Maybe you should consider adopting a cat or five.

Pisces

Ahh, Pisces. The fish. Sounds like the last drunk idiot you went home with from the bar. Maybe you should reevaluate your life and your choices this week. No time like the present to try to salvage your dignity.

Aries

Aries, things are looking up for you! You can keep this up if you continue to make good choices like paying your bills on time and maybe try eating a vegetable with dinner, like, at least once.

Taurus

It's never easy, Taurus. But anytime you’re feeling low, remember how much fun the cast of “Friends” had! And, just like you, their jobs were jokes, they were broke, and their love lives were DOA.

Gemini

I know your mom said it’s an unhealthy habit to bottle up your feelings or to drink to forget or whatever she’s nagging you about this week… but look at grandpa! He’s a silent man who loves a good scotch. Keep doin’ you, Gemini.

Cancer

You never cried when you fell on the playground and you only shed a single Braveheart man-tear that time you were pantsed in front of your 6th grade gym class. Never let ‘em see you sweat, Cancer.

Leo

Leo, you’re lookin’ a bit rough. You are the goddamn king of the jungle. Maybe it’s time to find a new job that’s a bit less stressful. Professional figure model, perhaps?

Virgo

Remember when your mom said you could be anything you wanted and you thought maybe you could be an astronaut or a world leader or something cool? Yeah… maybe take a personal day to figure out where your life went wrong, Virgo.

Libra

You’ve been working hard and it’s time to blow off some steam, Libra. Just remember to be careful not to flush your watch down the toilet at the bar again.

Scorpio

Feeling like politicians, athletes, and pretty much everyone sucks? This week is a good week for taking a break from social media, Scorpio...

Sagittarius

I know that it’s kinda cold, but kinda not really… but fleece vests were never a good look and are not making a comeback, Sagittarius.

Capricorn

A penny saved is a penny earned. But , let's be honest, what’s a penny in a capitalist society? Treat yo’self, Cap!