November 2011

November 28, 2011

In fairness to Norquist, unlike Lizzie Borden, he can’t wield the ax himself, but he came up with the oath pledging to refuse to vote for any new tax—no matter that he has gotten most Republican legislators and all Republican candidates for the Oval Office except Jon Huntsman to sign. The signer pledges to oppose any and all efforts to increase the marginal income tax rate for individuals and businesses, and to oppose any net reduction or elimination of deductions and credits, unless matched dollar for dollar by further reducing tax rtes. As the Progress Report calls it, it is “An oath of, by and for the one percent.”

That oath is responsible for the failure of the so-called supercommittee to fail in its attempt to come up with a compromise on ways to reduce the deficit. To negotiate is to give a little here, take a little there. Democrats put everything but their underwear on the table. As Speaker of the House John Boehner stated before the committee ever met, there would be no consideration of a tax increase of any kind. Period.

Who are the people Democrats feel should make some extra contribution to long-term deficit reduction? Not the top 1 percent but the top 0.1 percent, about one American in a thousand, a handful of very wealthy people that economist/columnist Paul Krugman calls “the big winners in this new Gilded Age.” But these are people like Steve Jobs who have made big contributions to society, right? Wrong. Only a tiny few are. By far the bulk of them are corporate CEOs the likes of which have seen their compensation jump by 400 percent in the last 30 years. They appoint a board of directors. The board of directors they appoint sets their salary, and their golden parachute. Funny how well that works out. And then there are the “risk takers,” the financial wizards who take risks with other people’s money. What do they add to society that is worth all of that spectacular compensation? Bank of England’s director for financial stability had a word to say about that:

The Republican way is to preserve or reduce taxes on this elite 0.1 percent. According to Krugman “taxes on capital gains are much lower than they were in 1979, and the richest one-thousandth of Americans account for half of all income from capital gains.” He suggests if you call yourself a 99 percenter, you change it to a 99.9 percenter. A body temperature figure for the body of the populous, which is begging to run a little temperature Republicans say they have a plan to eliminate loopholes, eliminating deductions that would result in $300 billion in new revenue. Isn’t everybody for that as well? It’s just not enough to keep from slashing Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and other programs vital to most Americans. If this is class warfare it is directed at the 99.9 percent of us.

My favorite cartoon villain of all is still a character on the animated segments of TV’s old Captain Kangaroo programs, “Tom Terrific.” He was “Crabby Appleton, Rotten to the Core.” I can’t make up my mind who is his counterpart in real life these days, rotten to the core, between John Bolton (the War Hawk of all War Hawks) and Grover Norquist.

Gail Collins writing about the Republican debate held this week, in her column in The New York Times, summing up the candidate’s responses on the Iranian question “where everybody but Ron Paul is competing to see who can promise to do the toughest things to Iran.” The debate this time was on foreign policy and this time in general the debaters expressed disparate views. Most of them did vow to take any steps necessary to protect the country, civil liberties be damned.

In my view when it comes to foreign policy I am leery of making quick judgments and calling for specific action without being in a position that the President is in, with all of the information available from the State Department and the C.I.A., and I am leery about candidates for the office who make such dogmatic statements. Views that are generalities, like Rick Perry’s statement that he would take action without carrying about the views of the United Nations, or Newt Gingrich who believes enemy combatants or sympathizers have no human or civil rights, or Ron Paul’s stance of having no troops anywhere in the world except on United States soil, are appropriate, but to call for specific action without knowing all of the facts seems to me to be irresponsible.

The surprise of the night came from Newt Gingrich who broke from party dogma to call for a humanitarian approach to dealing with illegal immigrants. This from a man not noted for humanitarian views (water boarding, civil rights, etc.). Let’s hope he means it and is not just reacting to the nation’s demographics. Observers say this departure from Republican ideology will haunt him in the rest of the campaign. Of course that same thing has been said about every other candidate at one time or another. There is a lot of hunting going on.

“If we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose.”

Mitt Romney ran his first TV commercial of the campaign which shows President Obama saying those words. What it didn’t show was that it was Obama in 2008 quoting a strategist for John McCain, hence a complete fabrication, to use the nice word for it. So Romney starts with a dirty ad.

“I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once, as a wayward teenager, and never did it again.”

Another Mitt Romney quote, this one in People Magazine. Oh how those youthful indiscretions can follow you until the end of your days. Do the Mormons have confessions?

“I exhale carbon dioxide. I don’t want those guys following me around with a meter to see if I’m breathing too hard.”

More Romney. And then “I’m all in favor of eliminating pollution.” Asked if carbon dioxide should e regulated by the E.P.A. he said “I disagree with that.” So we can’t exactly call Romney a “climate change denier”, just a “climate change so whater”; meanwhile Arctic and Greenland ice sheets are disintegrating faster than the climate models projected, the tropical zones are expanding faster than the models projected (a key cause of Dust-Bowls), and, greenhouse gas emissions are rising faster than the primary worst-case IPCC scenario. But it’s O.K., Mitt to keep on breathing. On emissions you are doing better than my Honda Hybrid.

“But, really, if this is what floats your boat, read away.”

Gail Collins, who has pledged to read the books written by all of the Republican candidates, had that to say about Ron Paul’s book, “End the Fed.” It seems Paul has written a lot. According to Collins he is against government (“the wealth-extracting leviathan state”), gun control, the death penalty, the C.I.A., the Civil Rights Act, prosecuting flag-burners, hate crime legislation, foreign aid, the military draft under any circumstances, campaign finance reform, the war on drugs, the war on terror, and the war on porn. Taxes are theft.” If it isn’t specifically written in the Constitution it is a no-no. The 18th Century beckons.

“Grover Norquist’s tax pledge isn’t really about public policy; it’s a chastity belt Republican politicians wear to show that they haven’t been defiled by the Washington culture.”

Conservation columnist David Brooks made that observation. He says “both parties have become minority parties simultaneously. They slowly encase themselves in an epistemic cocoon.” I believe that pretty well describes it. Republican or Democrat, you are in the minority.

Brooks writes “many Republicans flock to Herman Cain or Newt Gingrich because they are more interested in having a leader who can take on the mainstream news media than in having one who can plausibly govern.” Brooks sounds a little sensitive, there, although his point is well taken.

“Even the French are no longer sure their culture is superior”, writes Roger Cohen.

That is the unthinkable! But the NYT columnist has poll numbers that confirm it. Only 27 percent of the French population now believes that “our people are not perfect, but our culture is superior.” As he writes, “Gloom has settled on the world. Rome circa 475 A.D., Visigoths on the prowl.” He says “When humility overtakes French culture, it’s over, folks.”

It is pretty gloomy that about 100 million Americans live below or close to the poverty line. Still, in Hong Kong, a bottle of Château Lafite-Rothschild goes for $4,000 (wonder what the Parker rating on that one is).

170 Economists Sign Statement in Support of Occupy Wall Street

It reads: “We extend our support to the vision of building an economy that works for the people, for the planet, and for the future, and we declare our solidarity with the Occupiers who are exercising our democratic right to demand economic and social justice.” This must be the first time as many as 170 economists agreed on anything other than the time of day.

People who “attack police, do drugs and trash public parks.”

This is how Republicans view the Occupy Wall Street people as opposed to those 170 economists and others like E. J. Dionne Jr. in the Washington Post who see legitimist protests against “growing economic inequality and abuses by the masters of the financial world.” The quote above is from what Dionne calls an “outrageous advertisement assailing Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren by Crossroads GPS, the group associated with Karl Rove” by linking her to those kinds of people. Well, if there is anyone who knows how to produce dirty, outrageous campaign material it’s Karl Rove. From her grave the late Texas Governor Ann Richards, defeated by George Bush with the help of Rove antics, could attest to that.

“We’re not going to take our foot off the gas pedal.”

So says Eric Fehrnstrom, a senior Romney aide when confronted with the blatant distortion in that first television ad of the election season in which by editing makes it appear Obama's words are his and not a quote from someone else. Fehrnstrom was, by all accounts, rather pleased with himself. Prepare yourself, writes Frank Bruni in The New York Times, for the “toxic partisanship and breathless hyperbole to come. This presidential race is shaping up to be an especially mean and mendacious ride.”

To illustrate how easy it is to cop someone's words out of context to make it appear someone is saying something other than what they really are saying, here is a brief clip doing to Romney what he did to Obama:

The next Republican debate is this Thursday, December 1st, on CNN at 8 pm EST, sponsored by CNN and the Arizona Republican Party. There will be one more in December (the 10th), four in January, and one in March. Eleven months to go before the election (sigh).

The Bird Is On The Wing

This past week, the week that was, was the annual week of our national indulgence, the lavish feast on Thursday, the demonic shopping sprees on the weekend. Food is always the catalyst for convivial good times and as Americans we are always devoting a lot of attention to it in print and on the air ways, at every level, with a celebrity chef like Mario Batali who caters to the 1 percenters, Rachael Ray to the 99ers. Let us hope the 49 million citizens at or below the poverty line got a good traditional Thanksgiving meal from the charity groups who make such an effort to do so each year.

I see a certain irony present this Thanksgiving week. The Congressional supercommittee having spent weeks and months focusing on how to cut, reduce, tighten our national belt, folded its tent after dismal failure and left for home to participate in an excess of gluttony and spending. On the one hand we say citizens have too much personal debt but on the other the economy needs the stimulus of big sales.

This weekend was “make or break” of the season for big retailers in particular. Weeks and months will have gone into it. In the mid sixties my department prepared eighty or more full page advertisements that our big Macy’s store ran on Thanksgiving Day. It was a long-time tradition.

It’s probably shameful to mention it, but our traditional Thanksgiving meals have been concocted out of legend according to historians, who say it would have been difficult for the Pilgrims to have actually bagged turkeys for the big meal. The local Indians who helped them survive the difficult winter by showing them how to obtain food themselves were sustained by the abundance of eels in the rivers during that season of the year. The likelihood is that the main course at the first Thanksgiving celebration was eel. Historians made no mention of the cranberry.

It is recorded that Ben Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey rather than the eagle. How would that have worked out? I don’t see us having any desire to dine on eagle. If Ben had prevailed, would we have felt comfortable roasting our national bird?

I confess that my traditional Thanksgiving dish is a Tofurky. I have not been able to buy one that is free range as yet, but it is fine with me. The spirit is the thing. Oh I confess I miss that juicy little morsel down low on the carcass that is the bird’s kidney, but perhaps someday a food engineer will figure out how to make one out of soy. Or come to think of it, maybe we should persuade Mario Batali to show us how to stuff an eel.

It’s a bit of a stretch to picture Nelson Eddy in his riding britches and military campaign hat, elbows churning, feet stamping, marching around Zuccotti Park in lower Manhattan, tonsils hard at work evoking those words in a robust tenor vocal but if the image doesn’t jibe the concept does. Police cleared the park of protesting squatters but the movement remains alive, in New York and elsewhere, after two months and some confrontation with authorities here and there. The NYC group held a “Day of Action” to disrupt activity in the area, with modest results. It is still a loose movement and no one can say were it goes from here. I would suggest they move down to the lobbyist playground in Washington, K Street, and occupy K Street to make a statement.

Eugene Robinson weighed in on this subject in the Washington Post:

“Occupy Wall Street may not occupy Zuccotti Park anymore, but it refuses to surrender its place in the national discourse.”

“Our financial system has been warped to serve the interests of a privileged few at the expense of everyone else.” Issues of unfairness and inequality are being discussed.” Capitalism and fairness should not be fundamentally incompatible. The Wall Street movement is kind of like hitting the head of a stubborn mule with a 2 x 4 to get its attention. Now that it has our attention, what are we going to do about it? Anything? Or will we as voters be like Gulliver in Lilliputian Land standing tall above their government in action, observing their ritual futile dances.

Like some big ocean going ship that has been at sea for a long time our democracy has sprung some leaks and developed some rust spots and should go into dry dock for needed repairs. I would state that is by common agreement, but just what direction those repairs take, now there lies the rib.

“They live in different intellectual and moral universes.”

That’s Paul Krugman, economist/columnist taken a little out of context (he was writing about the supercommittee) but we should have bipartisan agreement on that statement. And I agree it is a case of two different concepts of morality. On the one hand is the belief in a system of economic justice: “social insurance programs, basic security to our fellow citizens and helping those in need” as a moral code. The other view is that such a welfare state is “immoral, a matter of forcing citizens at gunpoint to hand their money over to other people.” These two disparate views of morality have brought us to our knees, and not for prayer. “Oh Lord, help them see the light for they know not what they do.” A bipartisan prayer.

Some things that ought to be done are perfectly clear to all of both parties but though would obviously make for much better governing would work against the personal fortunes of those in Congress.

Members of Congress “spend 30 percent to 70 percent of their time raising money to stay in Congress, or to get their party back in power.”

Lawrence Lessig reports this in an OpEd piece in The New York Times. But nine senators offer a solution in a resolution introduced earlier this month. It would amend the Constitution to overturn the Supreme Court in three separate decisions that allow huge donations to members of Congress and their PACs. Things being the way they are, the members really need the money (less than 1 percent of Americans give more than $200 in a political campaign) and essentially go into hock to the big special interests.

The Senators idea is to go to strict, exclusive public financing of campaigns based on giving a “democracy voucher,” a rebate of $50 for voters to give to the candidate of their choice. If it is not turned in the money stays where it came from. Would that be enough money? In 2010 campaigns spent $1.86 billion. This program could raise as much as $6 billion in an election cycle. This could make honest men out of members of both parties. Not quite so affluent, maybe, not quite so many lavish perks, but honest. After all, honesty is the best policy if you are not talking about paid up Life.

Taking money contributions out of the lobbying system would not be quite enough, as we were informed by the ongoing Jack Abramoff redemption effort. Members who have served in Congress and their staff members must be bared from joining big lobbying firms as they leave government service. As it is now it is a great career path to get elected to Congress just so you can go on to the big bucks in lobbying. Case in point this week.

“… a really irritating, self-involved, pompous jerk.”

I wouldn’t argue with NYT columnist Gail Collins about her description of Newt Gingrich, but this big, pompous jerk took in $1.6 million to $1.8 million from Freddie Mac after he left office to provide strategic advice, reported by Bloomberg News.

Gingrich said he didn’t lobby, but was acting as an “historian.” Former officials of Freddie who ask to be nameless disagree. “Freddie wasn’t spending $25,000 to $35,000 a month for years to have somebody give them history lessons on what would have happened in 1945 if Japan had won” a former official said.

Gingrich must have some body parts made out of brass. His advice to Freddie Mac came during those years the organization steadily went deeper and deeper in trouble, yet then he blamed it for the collapse of the housing market (while he was giving it strategic advice). In 2008, he called for President Obama to give back any money his campaign received from its executives. Then he says Barney Frank should be jailed for his association with “a lobbyist who was close to Freddie Mac.” Good thing Frank was not closely associated with you, Gingrich, or his time in jail could be twice as long.

“We have created instead an engine of influence that seeks simply to make those most connected rich.”

Quote from Harvard law professor Lawrence Lessig, who has served in Republican administrations and is the author of a new book “Republic Lost.” He writes not about one party or the other, but about the system which includes both. “The great threat to our republic today comes not from the hidden bribery of the Gilded Age,” but from “the economy of influence now transparent to all, which has normalized a process that draws our democracy away from the will of the people.” In the words of Ella Fitzgerald,“Tain't What You Do, It's the Way that Cha Do It.” It’s not that you are making laws Mr. Congressman but you are making them under the influence.

“All I can tell you is this. Rick Perry will never be paid by a tank to think.”

The conclusion of NYT columnist Gail Collins covering the adventures of Perry on the campaign trail this week. The politics of influence? As the Daily Beast points out Perry, who offered state jobs to personal business contacts is running an ad in Iowa this week that claims he will stop Washington politicians who use their jobs for personal gain. But as Collins points out, “Perry does not have a vast fortune, although he is blessed with friends who fly him around on private jets, take him on cool vacations and, occasionally, sell him real estate at bargain-basement prices.”

The Perryism that most makes Collins think tank point was a speech this week in which Perry “laced into Barack Obama as a man who could not possibly understand what ordinary Americans were going through because he ‘grew up in a privileged way.’ ” That would come as news to the President’s late grandmother.

While we have Perry in the crosshairs let’s not pass over his letter to Nancy Pelosi saying he was going to be in the Capital this week and invited her to a “public debate about my Overhaul Washington Plan versus the congressional status quo.” In a news conference Pelosi responded saying she'll be busy visiting Portland, California, and, “that's two ... I can't remember what the third thing is.” Perry will forever after be associated with the number “3.” He might as well have it embroidered on his shirts.

“We need a leader, not a reader!”

A quote from Herman Cain in defense of his widely covered brain freeze, which almost makes Perry look good. It was remarkable, as he fumbled and bungled that simple question on Libya which is universally seen as a campaign killer. His blank pause in dead silence was so long network television could have run three commercials in it. “Who knows every detail of every country on the planet? Nobody!” Another Cain comment on his meltdown. My theory is that the sexual accusations have so taken over his mind that he confused Libya with a female body part.

“There's a reason Iowa goes first and it's because of you.”

Spoken by national pollster Frank Luntz, moderator of the debate of Republican presidential hopefuls Saturday evening in Des Moines. The debate, hosted by the Family Leader, a Christian organization that encourages its members to consider their religious views in political decisions, was a religious exercise according to reports (it was not televised as I had expected). These are the folks who would turn the nation into a theocracy, based on their particular religious views, and the candidate all seemed happy with that. A telling moment on that point came when Perry bemoaned a law that limits political speech from the pulpit, saying pastors needed to be talking about conservative values in church. “And let me tell you: it needs to be OUR VALUES” (emphasis mine). He is talking about evangelical values in case there is any doubt. Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman, the two Mormons in the race, wisely did not attend.

Santorum showed his patriotism and love of the constitution by bragging about his efforts to have three Iowa Supreme Court Justices with whom he differs, removed. Way to go. Rick. Crowd favorite of the 2,500 upright, super religious church goers was clearly the thrice-married, multi-unfaithful Newt Gingrich. Go figure.

As you would expect there was much talk about getting the federal government out of education and allowing discussion of religion in schools. And constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriages and abortions. Ron Paul did say marriage was the province of the church, and not the government.

There were tears. Genuine. Herman Cain when he talked about the help his wife gave him in his fight against cancer; Santorum when he talked about his daughter with a congenital condition. Genuine, human emotional moments, which marks me as too flip when I say, personal troubles aside, the positions taken on this occasions by these candidates is enough to bring tears to anyone’s eyes.

The Daily Beast called this the best Republican debate ever. I hope they were talking about format and not content. It did give you a clear picture of where the candidates stand on social issues. However, in terms of format I have a better idea. In these debates the candidates only have a minute or two at a time to speak on complicated subjects. Sound bites. One liners. And with eight debaters they have to vie for attention. So here’s my plan.

Treat these debates like a reality show series. Make them two-people debates, one on one for thirty minutes or an hour each week. Start with one with all eight as now, to introduce the cast. If my math is correct it would take thirty weeks to do one on one programs, then finish with another combined show. It would kind of be another survivor series, which the public eats up. Viewership would soar. So all of the candidates could stay on the voters minds, follow up each show with a thirty minutes critique by a panel made up of the other six. But here’s the beauty part of it. Privatize it. Conservatives are so eager to privatize everything, here is an ideal opportunity, to sell commercial sponsorship and TV commercials just like the Super Bowl or any other network entertainment. Tonight’s debate is brought to you by Viagra featuring politicians who hope to stimulate the economy as successfully as we have stimulated you. The free market at work.

“You’re going to see from me extraordinarily radical proposals to fundamentally change the culture of poverty in America and give people a chance to rise very rapidly.”

Hard to argue with the “extraordinarily radical proposals” part of that quote of candidate Gingrich in a controversial speech on education to the John F. Kennedy School of Government. He proposes students work 29 hours a week during the school year, full time between semesters and then graduate debt-free. Interesting idea. Personally I would like to see something akin to the Post WWII G.I. Bill combined with public service.

But here’s the rub. He went further. He advocates firing all school janitors from elementary school up and have students beginning at nine year old do those services, sweep the floors, clean the bathrooms, empty the trash. Nine year olds? Twitter caught on fire. “Dickensian!” “Exploitation of children!” This is kind of “Newtwickian Papers” without the humor.

Some of Dickens fits right into the Republican playbook. Take these words from a description of public attitudes from the Pickwick Papers: “mingling a zealous advocacy of Christian principles with a devoted attachment to commercial rights” and “against any interference with the factory system.” More quotable than Adam Smith or Milton Freidman.

“… in this case, failure is good.”

Not something you often hear, but this observation by columnist/economist Paul Krugman on what appears to be the end of the work of the congressional “supercommittee” is shared by some others in the progressive community. All indications are that faced with Wednesday’s November 23rd deadline to find $1.2 trillion in discretionary savings over ten years has come to a screeching halt. As one headline put it “Deficit Panel Faces a Rift Over Who Ought to Pay.” Republican members will not accept any significant tax increase.

On Saturday, the second-ranking Senate Republican declared that the work of a special Congressional committee on deficit reduction was all but over. Renting of clothes. Wailing to heaven. But wait.

As E.J. Dionne Jr. writes in the Washington Post: “If Congress simply fails to act between now and Jan. 1, 2013, the excessive tax cuts passed under President George W. Bush expire, $1.2 trillion in additional budget cuts go through under the terms of last summer’s debt-ceiling deal, and a variety of other tax cuts also go away.” That’s why a “failure” by the Supercommittee to “endorse a deeply flawed deal is actually a victory for sensible deficit reduction.” Which Dionne says should “hearten every deficit foe now prepared to mourn a failure by the Supercommittee.”

Krugman wrote a similar column. He agrees, doing nothing is a good thing. As the lyrics of a song in the dance band era went “Do nothing till you hear from me … pay no attention to what’s said.” Ah, they don’t make them like they used to.

“Janis Joplin used to sing, freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”

That song came to Gail Collin’s mind when writing about a bill Congress passed before going home for the holiday. It requires “states with strict gun regulations to honor concealed-weapon carry permits issued in states where the gun rules are slightly more lax than the restrictions on who can dispense ice cream cones from a truck.”

So you live in California where gun laws are strict and you can’t carry a concealed weapon, but any resident from another state with, say a license from Utah can swagger into any bar in California with a piece hidden on their person. It’s a “freedom” thing say legislators beholden to the gun lobby (and that’s nearly all of them).

Why Utah, for example? Because Utah hands permits out like peanuts at happy hour, to anyone, whether they live in Utah or not. In fact, Collins says, “215,000 non-Utah folks who’ve gotten one.” Of course many of the conservative legislators who enthusiastically support the bill are big on “state’s rights.” When it suits them.

“If more Democrats were able to make the case for the underlying social contract as effectively, our discourse would be vastly less mind-numbing.”

A quote from Steve Benen in a Washington Monthly article that appears in Sunday’s New York Times Magazine article on Elizabeth Warren. You may have noticed that tell-it-like-it-is Warren, now running for Ted Kennedy’s old seat in Massachusetts has caught the attention and enthusiastic support of a vast number of non-conservatives who see her as a Joan of Arc coming to their rescue. She is a popular guest on programs like Jon Stewart and Bill Maher, and she stood up to abusive Republican questioning before Congressional committees (enough right there to warm my heart). The article is long, but it is possible that this 62-year-old grandmother, bankruptcy lawyer Harvard professor will play an important role in our future and, if you would like to read it, here is a link:

As candidate Newt Gingrich surges in popularity he will have to answer to the news media for controversial things he has done, things he has said, multiple affairs, multiple marriages, questionable financial deals, everything. Take his stand on English only, not a good way to win the hearts of Hispanic voters, with some of his previous statements being revisited by the media.

Spanish is “the language of living in a ghetto” he is quoted as saying in a speech that he gave in 2007 to the National Federation of Republican Women. That would come as something of a surprise to Cervantes.

“The government should quit mandating that various documents be printed in any one of 700 languages depending on who randomly shows up” to vote is another Gingrich quote. “We should replace bilingual education. The American people believe English should be the official language of the government.” Gingrich often finds it easy to speak for the American people, unless they are Hispanic it seems.

If we follow Gingrich and replace all things Spanish with English we have quite a chore ahead of us. Let’s see. We could replace Taco Bell with something like Liberty Bell I suppose. A tortilla could become a corn crepe. Tamale? How about corn shuck paté.

Cities. Los Angeles is easy, as City of Angels, misnomer though that may be. El Paso, literally The Pass, is kind of dull, and so is Las Vegas as The Plains. Conduitville, Texas? Vegas is easy as it is already known as Sin City. And then there is what to do about Tequila. The fruit or herb drink “Squash,” though popular abroad, is not often herd in the U.S. and when you come down to it Tequila is sort of a fermented Squash. So we will convert that to Cactus Squash. So make me a Maggie, please, on the rocks with Jose Cuervo Cactus Squash.

It’s popular to spoof that “most interesting man in the world” commercial, so picture Gingrich saying, “I don’t often drink beer, but when I do I make it Two Ex-es. Stay befuddled, my friends.”

If we are going to do this we better get busy. Think of all of the words and expressions from other languages … Italian, French, German, Polish, and on and on … we would have to expunge. So for now, I say Adios (oops), Ciao, Adieu, Auf Wiedersehen, au revoir, aloha, Arrivedece,Vale, oh, the hell with it.

November 14, 2011

November 14, 2011 -- In an e-mail sent to me this week by a good friend whose views on politics usually differ from mine he labeled the commentary which he forwarded “more progressive blather.” Blather? It gave me pause for thought. A little introspection. Have I just been perpetrating “progressive blather?” I brooded about this until I watched and listened to the debate this Wednesday between the Republican aspirants for the presidency. I will take “progressive blather,” if that’s what it is, any day over conservative Republican “Chazari” (Yiddish for anything bad or rotten; junk).

Nothing new in their positions. To a man and one woman they came out against clean air, clean water, the environment in general, renewable energy, education, research and development, fixing the infrastructure, protecting consumers, workplace rules, family planning, endowments for the arts, NPR and PBS, health care (particularly health care), and just about any program meant to protect lives, promote good health, and enhance our way of life. All we should do is take responsibility for our lives as loners without cooperating with others, kind of every man for himself, and let the wide-open, unregulated free market take care of everything. It doesn’t matter what happens to people as long as businesses thrive. And lest we forget, business is a person because the Supreme Court says so. If that election in Mississippi had gone the other way a fertilized egg and Exxon would be equivalent.

All candidates are adamant about getting rid of “Obamacare.” And replace it with what? Well nothing, it seems. Something about restoring the doctor-patient relationship. No grand idea like a “98.6” plan to replace it. Vague talk about reducing the cost of insurance policies that we each can buy ourselves. Get rid of Medicare, the cost of which to administer is about 3 percent versus private insurance cost of about 18 percent. So we will continue to be denied insurance for pre-existing conditions, be subject to policy cancellations at the whim of the insurer, be subject to caps on benefits and continue as a country to spend about twice as much on health care as all other industrialized nations yet with poorer results. Give me blather any day.

The debates role on. By this time we all k now what each of these people stand for in domestic affairs. As NYT columnist Gail Collins put it: “Mitt Romney is still smarmy. Newt Gingrich is still pompous. Herman Cain is still not going to be president.” So why do we keep having them, and why do we keep watching? It’s like going to NASCAR races. We say we want to see these cars run around in a circle but secretly or sublimely we are waiting for the big crash. As we all know by now in the Wednesday debate this week we got one, the gaffe, the 50 or 56 second blank screen in Rick Perry’s head that one and all say ended whatever chance he still had to win the nomination. In private life you can wonder why you came over to the refrigerator but you can’t as a candidate for president. What if in the middle of important negotiations the name of Angela Merkel slipped your mind and you had to resort to “sweetie” or “honey” as we do in Texas? Bad form.

According to articles, brain scientists who study it have a name for this: the brain freeze (not as colorful as some more common layman expressions). I just explain that my mother board is overloaded, in the hope that it makes me sound full of information rather than that I am losing it. After reading about it, however, I believe I will say “I can’t recall the name at the moment. “As a neurophysiologist would put it my hippocampus is taking a break.”

It is not as though this is the first time this kind of thing has happened to widespread public attention. Christina Aguilera momentarily forgot the words to the national anthem as she performed at the Super Bowl. And when Chief Justice Roberts publicly swore in Obama as President he left out a word or two and had to do it again the next day in private. It did not seem to impact the careers of either of these two, however, as it will that of Perry.

But public gaffes can do a person in. No one should know that better than Mitt Romney whose Dad, George D. was running ahead of Nixon in the polls on the way to become the Republican nominee when he was quoted as saying his support earlier for the Vietnam War was due to a “brainwashing” by U.S. military and diplomatic officials in Vietnam, and that effectively ended his campaign. We all still remember Dan Quayle trying to spell potato with an “e” at the end. But George McGovern got away with one many years ago when he was after the Democratic candidacy, one of my favorite stories which I have written about before.

George McGovern story on how to diffuse an explosive problem (unintentional use of the word “explosive”). At the end of a long, hard day on the campaign trail a weary McGovern was walking through a long line of people when he heard a woman in the crowd make a disparaging remark about his wife. He wheeled around and said to her “Kiss my ass,” overheard by reporters. That night there was much wringing of hands and rendering of clothing among the campaign staff, until his campaign manager said “I’ll handle it.” In the morning the campaign manager came down to meet the press. The first question was, of course, what about McGovern telling a woman to kiss his ass? The manager said “He’s a Democrat. What did you expect him to say? Kiss my elephant?” That turned the story into a brief funny report, no longer a big deal.

Perry is trying to do the same thing. Make fun of his gaffe, to the point of delivering a “Top Ten” on the David Letterman show the next night. He might as well make fun of himself since everyone else is. I’ll bet he would be a barrel of laughs at the Texas execution chamber.

In the debate Herman Cain managed to fend off what slight references there were to is sexual harassment problem, although he did have the bad judgment under the circumstances to refer to Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy,” for which he sort of apologized for later. He continues to deny the charges. Does not remember the fourth woman who has come forth, this one publicly. Apparently he did not have the good manners to ask her name before putting his hand up her dress, if her allegations are correct. His lawyers have warned this woman that she will face “intense scrutiny.” Doesn’t that sound like a threat? Isn’t a threat also harassment? Some of this would be resolved if the National Restaurant Association would release the documents related to the payoffs, but the likelihood of that happening is about the same as Cain receiving an hone ray membership in NOW, the National Organization for Women.

It surprised me that the New York Times, in one of its stories about Cain, referred to an “atmosphere newly colored by the allegations.” Doesn’t this, of all newspapers, know that using the term “colored” is now politically incorrect? It is proper instead to say “African American?” I would rather see us focus on financial hocus-pocus with campaign contributions that has been reported. It has more to do with how he might govern, which would impact our lives.

Cain’s problems with sex don’t even seem that unusual anymore with all of the high profile scandals that seem to follow one after the other. It seems as soon as one is gone another steps up to take its place, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the managing director of the International Monetary Fund to Silvio Berlusconi who seemed to view his duties as Prime Minister of Italy was to hold an orgy now and them, to Cain, to revered Joe Paterno of Penn State. I am surprised Larry Flynt does not publish a celerity version of Hustler, maybe Hustler: Super Star Edition.

You can feel sorry for Paterno who spent his life building an amazing football program at Penn State, now terminated as head coach after 47 years, for the president of Penn who was required by his board to resign, his assistant who was not allowed to coach this weekend and for the students, who were so upset they rioted setting fires, damaging cars, the usual student riot thing sorry to say, but the real people to feel sorry for are the victims. Raping a child in the shower is not “horsing around” as it was originally called. And even though Paterno brought tens of millions of dollars and two national football championships for the university you can’t overlook it.

This happened nine years ago and nobody reported it to the police. Did Penn State think it was the Vatican? If the perpetrator, Jerry Sandusky, then on staff had been stopped others may not subsequently been victimized.

People like us turned up in Europe about 45,000 years ago. You would think by this time we would have a handle on the sex thing. We punish for misbehavior. A 26 year old man in Florida was just given life without patrol for having child pornography on his computer, which seems pretty harsh considering if he had actually molested a child, or probably even committed murder, the sentence would have been lighter, but even so it is doubtful it will deter another guy from doing the same. Yet how many children were harmed by the market for this repellent stuff was created by this young man and others?

It seems fitting a new show on Broadway opened to rave reviews, “Venus in Fur,” said in the review in The New York Times to be “a study of the erotics (and the semiotics) of power.” And “a seriously smart and very funny stage seminar on the destabilizing nature of sexual desire.” Perhaps we ought to send Cain some front seat tickets. He could use a laugh or two and might learn a thing or two.

Let me share with you some progressive blather in the form of videos, if you haven’t seen them and are so inclined, a series of there that taken together reveal some of the things about our government that are out of line and need to be fixed, and some recommendations of what we should be doing to pull us out of the present doldrums. The first is the 60 Minutes interview with Jack Abramoff, former lobbyist convicted of wrong doing, served time, now free.

Next is Bill Clinton on Jon Stewart. The topic was his new book, proceeds to charity, which if like this interview lays out in the most lucid terms the path we should be on for the next few years to pull ahead and improve our lot. The contrast in what he has to say and what we hear from Republicans is remarkable.

This next video some of you who have been “brain washed” (thank you George Romney) by right-wing-radicals into seeing Nancy Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West might want to hop over it, although on the other hand you might want to see why Republicans find her so useful as a scare tactic for fund raising. If there wasn’t a Nancy Pelosi they would have to invent one. This is her appearance on the Daily Show and its extended interview on the show’s web site. As you will see Stewart gave her no slack in a tough interview. I know I am biased. I see her as one of the most effective Speakers of the House in her sort tenure, doing what voters at that time put Democrats in office to do and she got an amazing amount of legislation passed to follow the Obama call for change only to have much if not most of it blocked by obstructionist Republicans in the Senate. Getting the Health Care Act was a real coup. This is a good third piece for this set.

The second Republican debate of the week on Saturday night covered foreign policy. I feel I’m on slippery ground when it comes to foreign affairs, but it seemed to me I had a lot of company on that panel. Unlike domestic affairs, here the participants were all over the lot on how to block Iran’s nuclear ambitions, the way forward with Pakistan and the use of torture, the one common denominator of course being that Obama has it all screwed up.

How to handle foreign aid? Rick Perry would start with zero aid to every country, then sit down with each country to dicker for what we get for our money, kind of the way he works in Texas. When asked, he included Israel, which despite his assurance we would always back Israel caused a stir post-debate. Ron Paul would just leave it at zero.

What to do about Iran? Gingrich wants massive covert action, in other words we send in scads of spies to work with disgruntled Iranians to foment trouble. Kind of like taking it from what we thought was the Soviet playbook on us in the McCarthy era. Lots of great movie material there.

No one seemed eager to take military action but mainly wanted to ruin their economy one way or another although Santorum advocated supporting an Israeli military strike against Iran’s nuclear facilities. Cain believes in economic sanctions, aid to opposition; Romney in aid also, military as the last resort; Gingrich military as last resort; Paul no: “I’m afraid what’s going on right now is similar to the war propaganda that went on against Iraq.”

On reinstating weatherboarding: Bachmann and Cain, yes. Huntsman and Paul called it torture and a definite no-no. Ron Paul said it was both illegal internationally and in this country, ineffective, and morally wrong. In what was the most statesmanlike comment of the evening, or the only one in my view, Huntsman said: “We diminish our standing in the world and the values that we project, which include liberty, democracy, human rights and open markets, when we torture.” Then added, “We should not torture. Weatherboarding is torture.”

On the subject of killing an American citizen who helped al Qaeda, Gingrich claimed that in wartime enemy combatants had no civil rights (sometimes it seems like he thinks the same thing in peacetime, too).

Huntsman and Romney disagreed on China, Mitt sounding as though he was ready for a trade war, Huntsman wanting to sell to that big market.

Afghanistan. Bring troops home? Yes, no, maybe. Huntsman on troops: “I say it’s time to come home,’’ he said. “I don’t want to be nation-building in Afghanistan when this nation so desperately needs to be built.” Ron Paul didn’t want them there in the first place.

As president, would you over rule your generals? Cain: no, because I would only have generals who agreed with me in the first place. Same as with the women you worked with?

And so it goes. The next debate is this Saturday, the 19th if you can hold your breath that long. Watch it on C-SPAN at five o’clock which I suppose is Eastern Standard Time.

Meanwhile, while we focus over here, things still go on over there. The Arab League is trying to civilize the Syrians on treatment of their citizens but they are not easy to paper train. The Iraq government is miffed at Exxon for wheeling and dealing with the Kurds over access to oil. They are saying the pump is in Baghdad. President Obama and the President of China meet in Hawaii. Going over the policy list, take one from column one, two from column two? Or is the Chinese C.E.O. just checking to see how the daughter of the man next in line for his job is doing at Harvard?

But we just can’t get away from it. What happens in other countries affects our lives. Somebody in Greece burps after downing a piece of baklava and the Dow falls four hundred points as it did one day this week before taking a deep breath and bouncing back to close up a couple of hundred points. Why? It’s like a joy ride at some Six Flags Park, except the lump remains permanently in the pit of the stomach. It’s like a housing bubble for European nations except it a house of cards with debt written all over them. But I have a plan. Let’s look at the indebtedness of those in the worst shape and their unemployment, as reported in The New York Times. Debt in billions, foreign first column, plus domestic second column, unemployment percent third column:

Greece 259 493 16.4

Italy 1,191 2,758 6.8

Ireland 142 236 14.2

Spain 454 1,159 20.5

Portugal 136 237 12/3

(For comparison, Unemployment in France, 10.0 … Germany, 5.9)

Now let’s look at the five wealthiest Americans from the Forbes list.

Bill Gates - $59 billion

Warren Buffet - $39 billion

Larry Ellison - $33 billion

Charles Koch - $25 billion

David Koch - $25 billion

It seems to me some of these fellows are in a position to buy a country. Take the Koch brothers. Their combined assists not only total $50 billion, but they take in $22 billion a year from dirty energy alone. Surely they could swing a deal to buy Greece or Portugal at least, the usual part cash, part stock in the Koch enterprises. What an ego trip to own your own country! David Koch has already had coins minted some years back with his portrait. He could put his face on everything, become a part of the Greek pantheon.You can’t tell me these capitalistic carnivores couldn’t take over a country, figure out how to make money on it and enjoy the same kind of royal privileges they do now in America. It would also protect their holdings in the American market. I think this idea is a winner. Call it my nine billionaires, nine billionaires, nine billionaires plan.

In their own words: a quote or two

“Clint Eastwoodgrowls: Go ahead. Make my gay.”

NYT columnist Maureen Dowd’s opening line in her coverage of the Eastwood move about famed FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, who had a life-long male companion but is not known for certain to have been gay.

“I can say from personal experience that it takes a blatantly inaccurate personal smear for the Cain campaign to own up to its mistakes.”

Josh Kraushaar after Cain campaign manager told Fox News’s Sean Hannity that Josh was the son of Cain accuser Karen Kraushaar who worked at Politico, were the story was first reported. Only trouble is that the two are not related and Josh has not worked at Politico for 17 months.

“The candidates blame the media, the elites, the Democrats, the government and each other for their problems, but never themselves. In essence, Republicans are now playing the sort of identity politics they deplore when the Democrats do it; they are pretending they are a persecuted minority, discriminated against because of race, religion and culture.”

Comment by Dana Milbank in the Washington Post.

“The truth is that while celebrity redemption seems simple on its surface (take 1 oz. of candor, add 2 oz. of remorse, shake on national TV), it can actually be a complicated cocktail.”

From an article in The New York Times on Jack Abramoff’s drive for redemption. It quotes Abramoff as saying “All I want,” he finally said, “is for people not to see me as this cartoon monster.”

Mitt Romney’s “business career thrived by enriching the elite at the expense of the working class.”

From an article in The New York Times reviewing the history of Romney’s successful company, Bain Capital. Essentially it bought companies, executed massive layoffs and stripped them of assets for huge profit to Bain executives.

Lagniappe

In the Republican debates, the candidates seem reluctant to take fellow debater Herman Cain to task for the alleged sexual harassment charges. If they decide to offer comments, help or advice, here is what they might say.

Bachmann: My husband and I are experienced in “pray away the gay” to irradiate a man’s lust for a man. … we ought to be able to throw it into reverse and help you pray away a lust for women.

Perry: I hear you are being called a sexual predator. I hope those charges are false. In Texas you know I shoot predators.

Huntsman: What Herman needs is a good stiff pair of magic underwear to keep him on the moral path.

Paul: The government has no business being involved with anybody’s sex habits. That should be left to the free market.

Gingrich: Don’t worry, Herman. When I was in the House, calling for the impeachment of President Clinton, I was having an extramarital affair of my own and I got away with it.

Santorum: Herman, as long as you had procreation in mind there is nothing wrong with your actions.

Romney: I have produced a 53-point 103 page document that details how Cain can overcome his problem.

November 06, 2011

November 7, 2011 -- One of the last of the old curmudgeons left us this week; Andy Rooney who took up a few of the weekly 60 Minutes minutes since it seems the beginning of time died at 92, only a month after retirement. It is too bad we will not hear him from the grave with observations on the process of going into this good night. Those of us given to curmudgeonery hate to see our ranks dwindle. His shtick was the micro things that confront us in life; this old curmudgeon’s field of interest is more macro being the big things that are handed to us by our political handlers and wishes he could do it as well as Rooney. This week the Republican candidates for president gave us much to chew on.

Scandalous of abuse of money: Cain

There is a tangled web of allegations about how the Cain campaign has handled campaign contributions centered around Mark Block, his campaign manager, who has apparently not been following the legal rules, some money that just seemed to turn up in the campaign coffers, money collected from non-profit groups, and tens of thousands of dollars in illegal contributions made earlier this year by outside political groups. Before taking the helm of Cain’s presidential campaign Block was Americans for Prosperity’s Wisconsin state director and that is the front group for the Koch brothers. Suits have been filed, investigations are underway while Block drags away on a cigarette in that very odd Cain commercial. Cain has his 9-9-9 plan on how to handle our money but let’s look at his resume: he let his own tax payments lapse in 2006 than fought paying them and now all sorts of irregularities in handling campaign funds. What would he do as President mewing around with trillions?

Scandalous abuse of money: Perry

You could fill a book on this about Perry, and apparently Gail Collins is writing one that will do just that, but this week’s item is about accepting air travel from executives and donors. The campaign owes almost $230,000 in what is said to be improper underpayments to private plane owners. While his is not uncommon in politics the degree to which Perry uses those flights to perform government functions really stands out. His staff says he doesn’t fit comfortably in commercial coach. So spring for two seats on Southwest rather than one already.

Questionable behavior: Cain

We’ve been hearing it all week, the payoffs made to women who accused Cain of sexual harassment while he was head of the National Restaurant Association. Now there are three, one of whom reports having been paid $35,000. As we have heard, much of the critical commentary has been not about the allegations but about how he and the campaign handled it. On Wednesday he said, “There are factions trying to destroy me personally, and this campaign” pointing the finger at Rick Perry. Now why would he think that – just because a former associate of Cain is working on Perry’s campaign. Mrs. Cain is sticking by her man although she did cancel a scheduled television interview.

“Should a man whose company paid $35,000 for a woman to keep quiet be president?” NBC’s Luke Russert asked the question. Looks like Republican voters in Iowa have the answer. Cain polled 23 percent support among likely caucus goers, while Mitt Romney came right behind him with 22 percent. Texas Rep. Ron Paul came in third with 12 percent support. I guess neither a little sex scandal nor a little money scandal just can’t keep good man down.

Questionable behavior: Perry

It filled the air ways, clips of Rick Perry making a speech in New Hampshire that all in the chattering class found bizarre and many felt doomed his chances to win the nomination although you have to say they weren’t looking very good anyway. One percent in the Iowa poll? No indication that he had had a drink or two, no indication that he was particularly weary, he just joked around on the podium which generated a collective gasp of horror from the poobahs of political punditry; one does not do that when running for the most important office in the country if not the world (although Putin in Russia san a blues version of “Blueberry Hill” and got away with it). It was as though George Washington told a dirty joke. How will Perry handle it Wednesday night in Florida? If, as planned, he shows? Dramatic organ music here to indicate suspense.

Romney Shows his Colors … And They Aren’t Pretty

Americans For Prosperity is one of the front organizations for the Koch Brothers, you know, the Romulus and Remus of U.S. energy corporations except that sucking sound comes not from a she wolf but from the American people. Theirs is not to establish Rome, but to establish an oligarchy over which they will have much control, which is where Romney comes in. Americans for Prosperity convened a large gathering called “Defending the American Dream” at which Romney made a speech laying out in detail how he, if elected president, would have his way with us.

Michael Ettlinger, Progress Report vice president, simply labels the plan: “of the 1 percent, by the 1 percent, for the 1 percent.” By way of illustration, just one aspect of Romney’s plan, completely eliminate the estate tax would be worth $8.7 billion to the Koch brothers. In case that makes you think better about Herman Cain, he was there and proclaimed forcefully to a standing ovation, “I am the Koch brothers’ brother from another mother.” And them he said, “And proud of it.” They all want a little of that she wolf thing.

Just how will life be different under a President Romney? Let us count the ways, the many ways.

• The wealthy and corporations get a $6.6 trillion in tax cuts

• The deficit will grow by $5.4 trillion

• Cuts to Social Security

• The end of Medicare as we know it

• Kill the Health Care Act, so no more health care coverage

• Funding cuts for Planned Parenthood and Title X women’s health programs, Amtrak, NPR and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, National Endowment for the Arts & Humanities, foreign aid.

• Repeal the New Deal-era law that ensures government contractors pay their workers a fair wage

• Throws more than 400,000 federal employees out of work

• Increases defense spending

There you have it. Twenty-first Century America a la Mitt Romney. I don’t see Norman Rockwell anywhere in it. The Koch Brothers “American Dream” looks more like a nightmare to this old curmudgeon.

“… a right-wing love-in”

That is what The Daily Beast called the Lincoln-Douglas “debate” between Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain at The Woodlands in Houston this weekend, an event sponsored by the Texas Tea Party. By agreement, the two camps said they wouldn't talk about sexual-harassment accusations made against Cain, but Cain got little shot in at the press anyway: “There are too many people in the media who are downright dishonest” and he got a standing ovation from the thousand or so in the audience. Kill the messenger. The two “debaters” barely disagreed on anything. The occasion was mainly a fund raiser. The Cain campaign announced on Friday that they were considering legal action against Politico, who first broke the harassment story. It seems to this old curmudgeon that the press is supposed to ferret out allegations of misconduct of anyone who is seeking the public trust, who have a right to know what they might be getting.

This week the debate schedule will default back to its original form. Just so you don’t miss any, and I know you wouldn’t want to, here is an upcoming schedule:

November 9th…8 pm … CNBC

November 12th…8 pm … CBS

November 19th…5 pm … C-SPAN

November 22nd…8 pm … CNN

November 30th…8 pm … CNN

Guest Curmudgeon

“I’ve been in Washington 35 years … and I’ve never seen a time when people have put their own personal political feelings over how we can get the economy moving”

Ray LaHood, transportation secretary and only Republican in Obama’s cabinet. “The GOP’s top priority is defeating Obama—and they care more about that than creating jobs.”

Resident Curmudgeon on fertilized human egg as person

If a human egg is a person as son as it is fertilized as the people of Mississippi contend, that ought to end the birther controversy about Obama since his Mother was in Hawaii when she became pregnant. Citizenship, then would depend upon where conception took place and might be a problem for anyone on a vacation in a foreign country. Let us say as an example that the mother of Senator John McCain was living off base in Panama when he was conceived. If so, he could not become president.

Resident Curmudgeon on Legislators on our payroll

It looks like our legislators are making out like bandits and it would be hard for them to claim that it is because they are doing such a great job. “Roll Call” reports that “Congress had a collective net worth of more than $2 billion in 2010, almost a 25 percent increase over 2008. 219 reported having assets worth more than $1 million last year.” After you read this let me ask you, “What’s in your wallet?”

Guest Curmudgeon

“nobody wants to pay for it”

Speaker of the House John Boehner telling a Kentucky audience that, everybody believes that the country should be doing more to upgrade its aging, crumbling infrastructure. The problem, he said, is that “nobody wants to pay for it;” Of course nobody want to, just as I do not want to pay for a new air conditioning system, say, but a time comes when it has to be done. And that time is here, Boehner, and it is your job to get it done.

That speech Rick Perry made in New Hampshire that caused such a stir seemed to me to show Perry attempting to be funny, and why not. Noting else is working at the moment.

Joking? Perhaps there is a new career in this for Perry, doing stand-up, making fun of other political figures and also, his own reputation. Of course, if so he will need material. Out of the kindness of my heart (and to do anything that would take him out of politics) I have some commentary he is welcome to use.

“In Texas we used to give death row prisoners last meals when we used he electric chair, chicken fried steak, fried chicken to kind of introduce e concept of being fried but we did away with that when we took up lethal injection. Rest assured we are very humane. We make sure the needle has been sterilized. Wouldn’t want to case an infection.”

“Michele Bachmann is a tough opponent. Steely. So steely that when she goes through the metal detector at the airport she sets off the alarm.”

“Mitt Romney is a very upright man. And you would be upright too if you had all that starch in your magic underwear.”

“In Texas we have a free market system. You are free to buy whatever you can afford from the Governor’s office.”

“Rick Santorum, father of seven, sees no use for contraceptives. It’s against his religion to use them to prevent pregnancy and under that rule even those randy priests have a use for them.”

“Ron Paul and Senator McCain both believe that we should keep our troops only on American soil, the only difference being McCain thinks all soil is American soil.”

“I believe in abstainers only education. Abstains is the way to go. I look upon my vasectomy performed y my father-in-law just as plastic surgery.”

“I don’t mind not being number one in the polls. I grew up on a farm and in the privy number one had a whole different meaning.”

“In New Hampshire I was given a nice little bottle of maple syrup. Up there they drill a hole in a tree and get a dribble; in Texas we drill a hole in the ground and get a gusher.”

“It’s been pointed out to me the Republican candidates in this campaign have come in pairs: Ron Paul and I, two Texans; Romney and Huntsman, two Mormons; Bachman and Santorum, two homophobics; Cain and Gingrich, a couple of misogamists, whatever that means. I’m not exactly sure what that is but it sounds like something down in Texas I would want to vaccinate against.”

“The $35,000 Cain paid the woman on harassment charges was money ill spent. For that kind of money contributed to my campaign in Texas could have gotten him about any important position in the state.”

“It is being said that unidentified donor have given big sums to Herman Cain’s campaign without following the rules. I can sympathize with him. I can’t tell you how often I am just walking along and some unknown person just comes up and stuffs money in my pocket.”

“I’ve been criticized for flying too much on corporate jets. Don’t they know that by the governor’s executive order those planes have been designated as part of the Southwest Airlines fleet?”

I'm afraid there isn't a late night TV show on late enough for this quality of material. I should leave it to Craig Ferguson.