Art and commentary by Kimberly Harris

Posts tagged ‘John Boehner’

Congressional majority leaders Senator Harry Reid and Representative John Boehner have donned elf costumes and are helping out Santa over the holidays

Harry Reid and John Boehner are taking advantage of the congressional holiday recess to put in some public service time to help Santa manage his vast workshop and get all of the toys ready for shipment by Christmas Eve.

Krampus

Sen. Reid’s is still at his high school boxing weight and has put on his old gloves so as to be ready to deal with any Grinches that might attempt to interfere with Santa’s Yuletide activities. At Santa’s direction, he has readied buckets full of coal lumps to be loaded onto the sleigh for use at the homes of the ever-increasing population of unrepentant naughty children. The proliferation of naughty children around the globe has been a boon to the coal industry which has been experiencing a prolonged slump as a consequence of stricter environmental regulations. In instances where a lump of coal in a stocking is insufficient to convey the message regarding the undesirability of naughtiness, Santa has recalled his old friend Krampus from vacation to mete out strict punishment to the naughtiest of children.

A well-tanned Rep. Boehner is sipping a scotch and enjoying a quick smoke to steady his nerves as he prepares to dive into Santa’s complex just-in-time inventory supply chain management system. Earlier, he prepared a report for Santa regarding Sen. Reid’s proposed “nuclear option” to replace the reindeer with a highly modified marine reactor as the source of propulsion for the sleigh. This would reduce the number of refueling stops for reindeer fodder and significantly increase the range of Santa’s sleigh. However, Santa ultimately discarded this recommendation because reactor waste has a half-life of 160,000 years, as opposed to reindeer waste which has a half-life of less than ten days and is easily recyclable for use in Mrs. Claus’ flower garden.

The elves have assured Santa that they have complied with the all of the current FAA Airworthiness Directives affecting his model of sleigh and have performed proper weight and balance calculations to take into account his imposing load of presents, coal and reindeer food. Santa himself is busy planning this year’s route by reviewing the global weather forecasts and the latest Notices to Airmen published by the FAA.

Santa has resolved to check all of his lists twice this time in the wake of that embarrassing incident two years ago when the Wyoming Department of Game and Fish refused Santa’s reindeer permission to entertain the children at Murdoch’s Ranch and Home Supply, which led to the frustrated reindeer becoming intoxicated at Mingle’s Lounge next door and running up a big tab on Santa’s American Express Card,.

After the Government Man in Green canceled the reindeers’ appearance at Murdoch’s, the group retreats to Mingle’s Lounge for a snort

Santa also decided to move his Naughty and Nice list into a secure cloud computing environment after his IT elves discovered that the NSA had covertly accessed his data and was surreptitiously changing some high-profile individuals from naughty to nice and vice-versa.

An artist’s rendering of the harrowing escape by President Obama and his trusted advisers just as the Earth is assimilated into the green hole of debt

NASA scientists recently announced that they have been watching a high-energy radiation beam emanating from a remote galaxy 3.9 billion light years away. Their findings were published last week and revealed that the beam, which astronomers have named Swift J 1644+57, was likely a black hole that was in the process of capturing and absorbing a hapless star that innocently wandered into its neighborhood.

Just a few days later, NASA scientists informed the White House that they had observed the possible formation of a similar black hole in close proximity to the Earth. Closer examination of the phenomenon revealed that it was actually a green hole that appeared to consist of a nebula of worthless US currency. Unprecedented government spending over the last several decades congealed into a critical mass of depreciated dollars circulating around the Earth and ultimately collapsed into a voracious vortex from which nothing could escape. The gravitational effects of this phenomenon were believed to be provoking earthquakes and spawning extreme weather around the globe and the anomaly was now beginning to digest the moon.

This horrifying discovery was promptly classified and White House staffers immediately declared a DEFCON 1 condition and sprang into action to execute the plan designed to protect the nation’s leaders in the event of imminent destruction of the planet. Frenzied calls were made to the Area 51 Air Force Base at Groom Lake, Nevada to secure a captured alien saucer to evacuate President Obama, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. The saucer was dispatched without delay and the trio was whisked away to an undisclosed location somewhere in the cosmos.

Democratic congressional staffers told Speaker John Boehner and Congressman Paul Ryan that a Commander would be waiting for them on the mall in front of the Capitol and proceeded to herd them into what the two legislators were led to believe was a nuclear powered evacuation pod.

Speaker John Boehner and Congressman Paul Ryan were elated when they thought they would escape in a nuclear powered evacuation pod, but when the frenzy subsided they soon realized that they were sitting in a 1951 Studebaker Commander

President Obama travels to the asteroid Vesta to escape the stress of the debt ceiling debate

On July 6, 2011, President Obama conducted a Twitter Town Hall Meeting where he addressed the future of America’s space program. He spoke enthusiastically about the need to redirect NASA’s vision away from its current model that is rooted in the past and focus instead on aggressive new objectives, like a manned mission to Mars. The president further stated “A good pit stop is an asteroid. I haven’t actually — we haven’t identified the actual asteroid yet, in case people are wondering.”

Late tonight the Dawn spacecraft will rendezvous with the giant asteroid Vesta. Dawn was launched in September 2007 and has now completed the first 117 million mile leg of its historic journey. The probe is scheduled to orbit the protoplanet until July 2012 to take scientific measurements and transmit back images before proceeding on to the asteroid Ceres, where it will arrive in 2015.

As the Dawn spacecraft begins it year-long mission, President Obama is engaging in a difficult mission of his own right here in inner space on Earth. He is tasked with persuading opposing congressional factions to compromise on issues relating to the urgent need to raise the ceiling on the national debt before default occurs on August 2nd. After a particularly acrimonious meeting with House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and House Speaker John Boehner on Wednesday, the President decided to walk out of the negotiations, as it was evident to him that they were going nowhere.

Frustrated and weary by these stressful events, the President concluded that he needed to get away for a spell. Camp David wasn’t really an option, so he decided to perform the ultimate escape to a place where he could experience some peace and quiet and contemplate the state of world affairs in solitude.

With a sharp click of the heels of his magic loafers, a flock of migrating wild geese suddenly appeared and swiftly transported President Obama to Vesta, arriving well ahead of the Dawn probe. To his amazement, the first thing he saw was a lone rose growing in the dry, dusty soil of the arid asteroid.

Recalling a long-forgotten lecture from a world literature class from the distant past, the President realized that he was standing on the very planet that was the home of the Little Prince described by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry nearly 70 years ago. The little man had appeared to Saint-Exupéry in the Sahara Desert where he had performed an emergency landing to repair the engine of the plane he was flying. The President further recalled the conversations the Prince had with the flower and the tenderness with which he cared for it. In particular, he remembered the instance where the Prince was concerned that his beloved flower would be eaten by a sheep during his absence. In comforting the distressed young Prince, Saint-Exupéry promised to draw a muzzle for the sheep so it could not eat the precious flower.

Then, in an inspired flash of genius, President Obama drew two muzzles, one for the House Majority Leader and another for the House Speaker. His problem was finally solved!