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STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) people are people, too, which means some of their dating struggles are similar to those for people outside of the science, technology, engineering, and math fields.

However, I recently talked to a female colleague, an electrical engineer, who told me that before she met her husband, she went on a date with a guy in college who seemed turned off by the fact that she was a physics major. And this happened often, which frustrated her.

“Oftentimes, when I’d meet someone and tell him I was a physics major, his reaction would essentially be ‘Eww,’” she told me.

“I would complain to my mom, asking her why this kept happening,” she continued. She was doing what she loved, and getting that kind of reaction from men made her question whether or not she was attractive.

Her mom’s response: Don’t worry, someone will come along who appreciates you and your physics background.

Dating Lesson

Now, you could interpret her dates’ reactions in various ways: Did her dates just not like physics? Did they see “women” and “physics” (a typically male-dominated field) as an unattractive mismatch? Did the idea of a woman outsmarting them turn them off?

Did they automatically label her as “too masculine” or “socially awkward,” based on STEM stereotypes? Did they see her and think “Amy Farrah Fowler” from The Big Bang Theory? (Shut up, I know Amy is a neurobiologist!)

Whatever the truth might have been, we’re looking at this story through her eyes.

And she had every right to feel judged and self-conscious for it. While the tides are changing, STEM fields can still be hard on women, and some of that energy can affect their dating lives in various ways.

Her mother was right, though: When my colleague met her now-husband and told him the dreaded words “I’m a physics major,” his reaction surprised her.

“That’s so cool!” he said. She was speechless, like she had just won a million dollars.

A similar thing happened after I met my partner. Prior to meeting him, I had bored dates about my science communication work, sometimes felt the need to dumb myself down, sometimes intimidated guys when I tried flaunting my smarts, and often felt I came off “too masculine” when a guy I liked ended up going for a dumb girly girl who was into makeup and hair products (although, there’s nothing wrong with women who like makeup and hair products, but hopefully you catch my drift). It seemed like I couldn’t win.

Maybe it was self-judgment and self-inflicted emotional pain, or maybe there’s a grain of truth to our experiences.

The point is that my partner wasn’t bored when I showed him an Earth science app I was working on, wasn’t intimidated when I explained the different climate change key indicators it displayed, and didn’t make me feel like I had to speak as if my brains were in my boobs.

Take Action

It’s the season of giving. If you’re a man or woman in STEM and about to enter the new year with a bunch of dating-related question marks floating over your head, then take advantage of my free breakthrough laser coaching sessions until Saturday, the 22nd. This is a chance to see if real life coaching from a certified dating coach is right for you.

This seems to happen far more often than necessary, like bad Tinder matches: stringing someone along in your dating life because you’re playing games, you’re confused, you don’t know how to say “no,” or whatever the case may be.

While I was once guilty of doing the same thing when I was younger (and have also been a victim of it), I learned to be honest when I wasn’t interested in or couldn’t commit to someone or something and move on when the other person wasn’t being explicit about his or her feelings.

Basically, I learned to grow up, like Tom Haverford from the show Parks and Recreation.

Let me illustrate with a story based on recent events.

Failed Collaboration

I stumbled upon a website and blog dedicated to STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women. All sorts of amazing women shared stories of trials and triumphs in a blog post or podcast episode, all of which a female engineer hosted. She seemed nice and hard-working, like Parks and Rec’s Leslie Knope.

Days went by without a peep. Knowing that messages sometimes get lost, I followed up a few weeks later and heard back.

“Sorry for the delay in replying. I’d love to collaborate with you,” she replied, providing her availability for a phone call and instructions for putting together a blog post. How very Leslie Knope of her, or so I thought.

I “Knoped” her back: I told her I’d be happy to put together a blog post and gave her my availability. I also told her I’d like to touch base to make sure I’m producing what she wants.

No response.

I went ahead and composed half a blog post in a Google Doc as a “sample” and decided to wait to finish in case she had something else in mind.

I followed up the week she said she’d be available to chat.

No response.

I followed up the next week, and she replied with a chosen date and time and her phone number. She asked me to send her my blog notes.

I sent her my Google Doc, gave her “commenting” rights in it, and told her I’d call her at the appointed day and time.

No response.

When that day and time came around, I went to a quiet space and had my laptop open to the doc, which didn’t have any notes from her. Hmm, not very Leslie Knope of her, I thought. My intuition was knocking from behind a locked door, telling me something I didn’t want to hear.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt and called her right at the appointed time. The phone rang and rang and rang and went to her voicemail. I left a friendly message.

I looked at the clock and gave it another ten minutes, my intuition knocking even louder.

I called again. It rang and rang and rang and went to her voicemail.

At that point, I let in and listened to my intuition and acted on it in a final voicemail.

“I’m going to take this as a sign that you don’t really want to work together,” I said. “You might be too busy or not interested, and that’s fine. If you’d like to work together in the future, great; otherwise, I’m going to move on.”

No call back.

Dating Lessons

Immediately after leaving that voice message, I felt like that was too nice, like I should have said something like “I’m here, prepared, and I wish you could have been more honest up front about not wanting to collaborate.” But I left it at that.

I was done wasting my time with someone who wasn’t showing the same dedication as I was. I was prepared like I am with my clients and other collaborators and wasn’t receiving the same in return. I felt some “Level 1” energy, or “victim” energy, as graduates of my life coaching alma mater (The Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching, or iPEC) call it.

Instead of moping around, though, and being the opportunist that I am, I realized I could make lemonade out of this situation by squeezing out dating-related lessons for you.

You’re welcome.

#1 It bears repeating: Stop playing games and be fucking honest up front if you’re not interested in seeing the person.

Sometimes the idea of rejecting a man can sound scary, for fear that he might retaliate. It’s totally understandable to worry that might happen, given the world we live in.

However, let’s switch roles: You’re trying to pursue someone who feeds you bread crumbs of love instead of the whole loaf. You take those bread crumbs as a sign that it’s going to work out and rationalize the rest of the person’s behavior (“Maybe he’s just mysterious”).

You’re frustrated and try so hard to make it work to no avail, like continually injecting pennies into a slot machine. (You had three strawberries in a row! Keep trying your luck and you might get all strawberries! Or however slots work these days…) You end up wasting your time when there’s someone better for you out there.

In the end, that person isn’t taking you seriously enough, and as a smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM woman, you deserve more than that. As I illustrated in my story, I knew I deserved a better partnership after the way I was treated.

#2 It’s okay to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but know when to move on.

To protect ourselves, sometimes we assume the worst in any given situation, like fake news of the mind. Maybe you’re right to assume the worst if you don’t hear from a date.

However, through open-ended, empowering questions, life coaches from my alma mater are trained to help you look at a situation from various angles, like the movie Vantage Point. It’s a gray world, after all.

In other words, I’d argue it’s okay to have a little faith in someone if they’re not responding to you as hoped. If he or she drops off the grid after forming a connection, it’s safe to wonder if life circumstances got in the way, such as a family loss. You have the right to be patient, as that person could reappear, apologize, and explain. It’s totally possible.

You also have the right to distract yourself if this happens, being ready with open arms if (s)he returns. If the crickets continue, though (as they did for me), and if the behavior becomes repetitive (as it did for me), it might be time to be honest with yourself and move on. You’ll know when it’s time.

#3 If you’re pulling your weight in the relationship and it’s not reciprocated, then know your worth and find someone better.

Some of my STEM ladies (and, of course, women outside of STEM) are givers, nurturers, and can get “nurture fatigue” when they feel like they’re not receiving enough love in return. They might feel taken for granted and resentful, which is totally valid. Beyond valid.

Take a stand when this happens. You can talk this out; communicate your feelings with “I” statements (“I feel like I’m pulling a lot of weight in this relationship, and I feel burned out and underappreciated”). I would even argue that reasonable ultimatums might be okay in this situation (yup, I said it).

If nothing improves, then as the CEO of your love life, you have a couple of choices: stick around or end it. Trust yourself to know if this is a dead-end relationship; if it is, trust yourself to know that someone else out there will know your worth as much as you do.

It was easy to see that I was pulling more weight between this person and me, given that I initiated most of the communication and showed up prepared. I was fed up. At that point, I knew I could find a more professional podcaster with whom to work.

Me (left) learning to fly a helicopter with a 21-year-old instructor! Credit: Orbic Air

My 30th birthday was on 18 November, and I decided to treat myself to something unusual: a helicopter flying lesson. It was exhilarating, of course, and I was able to take dating lessons from the experience to share with you, just like a cool teacher who can relate just about any experience to the subject (s)he teaches and preaches.

Just like an amazing date, this experience “flew” by in the blink of an eye. It gave more fodder for the expression “Time flies when you’re having fun.” (#SorryNotSorry for the horrible “fly” jokes ;-).)

First, my instructor, a 21-year-old man who’s been flying since he was 14, gave me a 20-minute crash course on some theory behind flying a helicopter.

After getting what was essentially a Physics 101 lecture, he told me, “Just remember to fly high and fast, not low and slow. And no jerky movements on the control.”

Everyone and their mother and dog warned me about the “jerky movements.” Some told me that flying a helicopter would be impossibly challenging, which is why they didn’t pursue it (or didn’t pursue it further).

One person sent me a Los Angeles Times article about a helicopter crash and asked, “Is this the helicopter you’re going to fly?” And some were thrilled, even surprised, that I was going to do this in the first place.

Many of them had their preconceived notions about flying this type of machine, whether based on the media or their experience, but I wasn’t afraid. I was ready for something new.

I mean, if a fucking 21-year-old could fly one, I could fly one, too.

Flying a Helicopter

We rode a golf cart to the helicopter I would learn to fly, and it was surprisingly tiny.

So, this is why they asked for my height and weight. Duh.

The helicopter I flew. I’m 5’2” and 110 lbs, so this was my match!

When we hopped into the ‘copter, we put on our earphones and listened to air traffic control deliver their jibber jabber. The next thing I knew, my instructor was running the engine and lifting us toward the sky.

“Here’s the Hollywood sign,” he pointed to our left. Wicked. That was the closest I’d ever been to the Hollywood sign, even though I’ve lived in southern California my whole life.

Credit: Orbic Air

Then he said, “There’s Universal Studios below.” Sick.

Soon enough, it was time for me to take control.

We started performing the ritual he taught me for taking the “stick” or “cyclic” (the control).

“You’re in control?” he started.

I put my hand on the stick: “I’m in control.”

“You’re in control,” he let go.

That was it! I was in control!

He directed me toward Downtown Los Angeles: “Go right a little so we can fly over Downtown LA. Make sure the compass stays level with the horizon, check the speedometer, and just feel it as you go and give the helicopter time to react.”

“Be one with the helicopter?” I asked.

He laughed. “Yes, be one with the machine,” he replied.

I spent a good amount of time learning how to go right, left, forward, and backward. Those maneuvers were pretty sensitive, but not impossible, and I really just had to be gentle. I could see the beauty of taking your time instead of forcing an instantaneous reaction, almost like doing tai chi.

Then I was even more curious: “Do I do anything with this?”

I pointed to a lever between us, just below hip level.

“Yes, that helps us ascend and descend. Give it a try,” he said.

He told me to slowly, gently, pull it down, then back up. We watched various numbers on the dashboard change.

In my view, it really wasn’t rocket science. You try a maneuver and see what happens. More often than not, you survive.

When my lesson was over, my instructor took the controls and landed us safely back in Burbank. I got my “demo” certificate to let future instructors know that I completed this training in case I want to continue my helicopter adventures. I was a “fly girl” ;-).

Dating Lessons

It might seem silly taking an experience such as a helicopter flying lesson and saying, “Now, take these principles and go meet people.”

Seriously, though: Trying something new or persisting on a seemingly unrewarding track can have its emotional ramifications, like walking in circles for months, even years, without relief.

You’ve tried online dating to no avail. You’ve tried making a dead-end relationship work to no avail.

At this point, it feels much easier to stay home and binge eat instead of getting back in the dating saddle. It feels much easier settling instead of finding someone who really gets you.

This might feel like rock bottom, and the good news is the only direction to go from there is up. There’s a shiny opportunity to turn your life around with a different approach.

Here are a few nuggets to keep in your pocket as you get off the couch and meet the (wo)man of your dreams:

#1 Get yourself out there and try something new, even if it seems scary. You might find that it wasn’t bad after all.

I’ve talked about this before, but I’ll say it again. Some of us have this vague idea that helicopters are unruly machines that take a highly trained LAPD officer to operate, but for only $175 and with an instructor, I found that flying one wasn’t that bad.

Granted, I wasn’t afraid going into it, but some people might be. Anxiety has a way of telling us freaky stories that simply aren’t true; in fact, one MedCircle video series on anxiety called it “fake news” of the mind.

How does this relate to dating? I’m sure you can figure it out: nerves related to getting back out there, nerves related to meeting someone new, nerves related to first impressions. These worries can keep you from relaxing and taking control of your dating destiny.

I’m sure you can think of really bad worst case scenarios for going on a date, but there are ways to avoid those scenarios and tell yourself how (un)likely they can happen. (Coaching can help with that, too!)

However, if you think of the best case scenarios and set realistic expectations, you can begin to relax and live a little.

#2 Don’t push too hard: Let dating happen organically.

I almost liken it to skiing: If you’re about to glide down a Black Diamond slope (an advanced slope in California) for the first time, it helps to remember the basics, which are slow, controlled turns.

There’s no need to go fast to show off to your friends (although, I’m guilty of this); otherwise, you might eat shit (which I’ve done plenty of times).

Dating works the same way! You might be in your 30s and expecting marriage and kids in the next few hours, but that kind of mentality can land you in sketchy situations, such as the wrong partner for the wrong reasons, or no partner at all (because he freaked out).

Take time to get to know the person (or people) you’re seeing. Learn what you have in common. Be present and have fun. You’ve planted the seed; now let the tree grow.

#3 People (and the media) will have their ideas and advice on how to live your dating life, but it’s time to shut out that noise. Ultimately, only your unique experience matters.

This kind of ties in with the first point. How many movies have you seen that had sweat-inducing helicopter crashes? If you were ever interested in flying one, how many times have people told you it would be too hard, so don’t bother?

In dating, how many times have your friends given you unsolicited advice, especially the kind that ended up hurting your game? How many times have the media shaped our ideas of how love and relationships should work? Thanks, rom-coms (romantic comedies)…

It’s time to shut out that noise and listen to yourself. Flick those chatterbox angels and devils off your shoulders that are trying to sway you either way. You know yourself better than anyone else, and real, certified life coaches know that.

If your friends say you shouldn’t go out with someone, follow your heart. Maybe they’re right, but only you can find out for sure.

Take Action

Nervous to get back into the dating world and need a coach to hold your hand? (That’s okay!) Down on your dating luck and need to try a different approach? Having trouble getting out of your head and tapping into your intuition?

My STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) co-worker and I were talking about my dating coaching business, and she said, “You could write dating profiles like some people get paid to write resumes.”

I paused to let those words sink in like the old AOL dial-up sound. I’d done my share of internet dating, gotten a year-long relationship out of it, but ultimately met my boyfriend of four years and counting wearing nothing but underwear in a hot tub at a mutual friend’s party.

In other words, whether or not she knows it, the client would already know how to write a damn good profile; I would just need to ask her open-ended, empowering questions to help her become unblocked. What would I have to say about writing dating profiles that’s any better than what the client might know?

Anyway, after that metaphorical dial-up sound finished loading, I decided to do a little research.

Dating Profile Findings

A simple Google search for “how to write a dating profile” yielded what I would call fear-based, “cookie cutter” results. One of my pet peeves is homogeneity (like basic bitchery), especially of the “if you don’t do this, you’re doomed” variety, so that drove me insane.

“Every profile should have this, this, and that, and conclude with a question,” they would say.

“If you don’t have this hook in your profile, then you’ll likely be single forever,” others would say, at least to that effect.

One thing in particular really ruffled my feathers: when professional dating profile writers said to treat your profile (and yourself) like a brand.

I get that that’s the typical 21st century mentality, to treat your online presence (including your resume) like a brand, but here’s my issue with that in relation to dating profiles:

You’re not a brand; you’re a fucking human.

Humans have the capacity for love and other emotions, and when we reduce ourselves to a brand (especially those who do not even run a business), you get the movie Idiocracy to an extent. How, then, can we really, authentically establish a connection with another human on a dating app?

I get that there’s this thing called “brand loyalty,” where you establish mutual likeability and trust with an audience (which I do for my business), but again, we’re talkin’ dating profiles.

We’re talkin’ finding love.

So, I have to say I disagree with this approach to writing dating profiles, to following a formula or template, to holding onto homogeneity and basic bitchery.

You’re completely welcome to disagree with me. However, in the realm of opinions and problem-solving, I’d like to offer another approach to writing smart, effective dating profiles to help my smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM ladies find love, based entirely on, well, my critical thinking skills (and you can read thesethreestudies for more food for thought, pun sort of intended for the last one).

Four Simple Methods for Writing an Attractive Dating Profile that Shows Who You Are

Okay, maybe that heading is a little “cookie cutter,” and maybe it’s a little difficult to escape the “listicle” pattern, but I’d like to deliver on my promise.

Instead of reducing my clients to brands, I’d like to simplify the “requirements” for writing an attractive dating profile; that way, we minimize any pressure for perfection and open the door to authenticity.

#1 Think of a unique username that describes you off the bat and/or makes you stand out.

#2 Use good, confident-looking, smiling photos.

No, you don’t need to show some skin, as that could attract the wrong folks. Show yourself in the lab, in the field, in portrait form, on vacation, giving a speech, or whatever you feel comfortable showing, as long as you’re showing who you are when you’re in your element.

Are you funny? Show a silly face. Are you a professional? Pose in a suit or whatever. Are you an adventurer? Show an action shot, as long as we can see your face pretty well. Your dating profile is your space, and you’re using it to filter out crappy people and attract quality people.

#3 Be extremely specific when answering those profile questions. This involves some creative writing.

Less of this:

My name is Giselle, and I’m a pediatrician who enjoys hiking in exotic places when I have time off. I love Thai food and comic book-inspired shows, and you might find me doing yoga at the local park from time to time.

More of this (which I wrote on the spot):

My name is Giselle, and I’m that friendly neighborhood pediatrician the neighbors are always talking about, because when I’m not on-call at the local hospital helping kids achieve optimal health after contracting a cold from daycare, I’m keeping my door open to help my friends’ kids who need a routine check-up.No day hike is too challenging for me, as I’ve been an avid hiker since my teens and have conquered Mt Whitney in 16 hours. If I had to survive on one type of food for the rest of my life, it would be Thai food, hands down. You couldn’t convince me otherwise. I grew up with Thai neighbors who often invited us over, so that piece of my childhood still lives through all of the red curry and pad thai that enters my stomach.Pair that with the show Agents of Shield and I’m set for the evening. Yes, when I work long hours as a doctor, you’ll find that that’s an easy way for me to relax. That, and yoga under the California sunshine at the local park, granted there are few kids around :-P.

#4 Be inviting and inclusive.

Imagine looking at someone’s profile and seeing something along the lines of “Please don’t contact me if you’re a bitch” or “Don’t talk to me if you’re divorced.”

How turned off would you feel? You might think you’re not a bitch and this person is being judgmental. If you’re divorced, you might feel like this person is discriminating against you for no good reason. You might even feel inclined to send him an angry message, like a Twitter troll.

Using discriminatory language like that could also reduce any opportunities to meet someone amazing.

In addition to tapping into your feels and intuition, dating can be a numbers game, and chances are you’ll end up with someone you wouldn’t expect. (I can attest to that.)

—

To wrap this up, adventuring through the interwebz to see what others are saying about writing dating profiles brought me back to the same destination: Everyone has their own say about what you “should” do, but ultimately, you know what’s best for you. It’s like knowing what your diet should be based on your body type. That personalized attention, my friends, is how life coaching works.

I offered my own approach (with many “b” bombs) for you take as you will, without playing down your smarts. Please, ladies, don’t play down your smarts. Happy online dating!

Take Action

Do you need to revamp your dating profile? Have you been unlucky in the online dating world? Are you battling weird algorithms to find the (wo)man of your dreams? Comment below or talk to me in a safe space.

A smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) woman named Jacklyn had a problem: She and her boyfriend were separated by an entire continent and dealing with some of the detrimental consequences of a long-distance relationship.

They met online and totally hit it off while they were both living in the US. In time, he had to move back to Italy for work and she stayed behind, like a 1950s wife waving her handkerchief at her husband as he set sail for war. They stayed in touch over text, call, and video chat, and sometimes she would visit him, like a contemporary girlfriend.

But when they weren’t in the same room and couldn’t enjoy the physical intimacies of a romantic relationship, things became more difficult, like anyone could imagine.

“It’s been working so far, and that spark remains when we see each other in person,” she told me. “But sometimes I ask myself whether I should close the gap between us or look for love here.”

It made sense that she would question whether or not she was wasting time on a long-distance relationship, given that, as a human with needs and feelings, she was depriving herself (and he himself). The two love birds couldn’t nest together.

Saying those words out loud served as a sanity check. But their longing for each other grew, and she felt like she needed to make a decision quickly.

Relationship Breakthrough

So, as her dating coach, I came from the skies in my superhero cape and coached her to a breakthrough by asking her simple, yet powerful, open-ended, empowering questions.

My questions made her think about the situation differently, getting her to consider her life with and without this person and how her life would change if she stayed or went.

I asked her how her Italian Stallion made her feel when she was with him. I asked her how she felt living her American life. I asked her what love and relationships meant to her. I asked her what independence meant to her. I asked her to envision her ideal romantic life and how her Italian Stallion fit into that picture.

As she answered those questions, she began to feel lighter and Claritin Clear. She began to smile more and over-think less. She began to see the power of love, and coaching.

She didn’t have a resolution yet, but she felt like we had arrived somewhere more “fuck yeah,” adding a “confidence” tool to her toolbox. Since coaching helped her throw away some mental roadblocks, like throwing away a scrunched paper of bad poetry into a bin, and tap into her emotions, intuition, and values like a monk, she felt more empowered to make the best decision for herself and her relationship.

Life coaching is about bringing out the client’s brilliance (instead of telling her what to do), so, like an old, blind master, I told her I had complete faith she would find the answers in time. We left off there.

The next day, Jacklyn sent me a message:

Holly! I just wanted to thank you for the coaching you provided yesterday! What we did was amazingly powerful. When I got home last night, a friend offered to buy me a plane ticket to Switzerland, so I’m closing the distance between my partner and me by a whole continent! The incredible power of intention and manifestation!

The rest is history.

Dating Lessons

Some STEM women frequently travel for work, and sometimes they can’t find time to date (or they don’t prioritize it). Sometimes they avoid commitment because they think they’ll just have to hop on another plane again. Sometimes they try to make a relationship work under the circumstances.

Long-distance relationships can be difficult, but not impossible, to survive. But I don’t recommend them as much as I don’t recommend working out after eating a bunch XXtra Hot Cheetos. (It buuuuurrrrnnnsss!) I’ve seen long-distance relationships “work” in my family and with friends, but they eventually closed the gap.

After every long-distance relationship I tried, I learned that I value close proximity. So, every time either my boyfriend or I have to travel, we make sure that time apart has a specific expiration date, like a milk carton.

But what if you’re a frequent-flying millennial STEM women who’s trying to make time to date?

As your dating coach in a cape, here’s what I might ask you:

How much is dating a priority right now? Perhaps rate that priority on a scale of one to 10, one being “not a priority whatsoever” and 10 being “it’s a matter of life or death” (or, I don’t know, something similar).

Depending on how you answer that question, how will you move forward? If dating is a low priority, then you can continue on your merry way elsewhere.

Let’s say you’re making dating a high priority, like a 7 or 8. How can you make it a 9 or 10? Seriously.

What’s one baby step you can take to make that priority a reality?

Once you think of that baby step, how committed are you to making it a reality (perhaps on a scale of one to 10)?

How will you keep yourself accountable?

As you saw with Jacklyn, there’s no pressure for you to have the answers right away, as cognitive change can take a while, like a turtle in a race. Take your time. The answers will arrive from within, like the old, blind wise guy said.

Take Action

Are you in a long-distance relationship? Does it seem to be taking a toll on your well-being? Are you having trouble deciding whether to close the gap or move on? How helpful was this article? Comment below or reach out to me in a safe space.

When I was coaching a young, ambitious STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) woman named Rini on her dating troubles, she told me she seemed to go through the same pattern in her dating life: woman meets man, man treats her like an afterthought, woman does all she can to earn his love and affection, man disappears.

“I always feel like I’m not good enough,” she told me openly.

That self-sabotaging “I’m not good enough” message we all tell ourselves from time to time, dating or not, is called a “gremlin.”

You can imagine a gremlin like a green, grumpy, slimy creature living inside your heart and mind that drags you down, keeping you from living your best life.

For example, that gremlin creature often came knocking when I was trying to prove myself as a capable woman in the STEM workforce and when I compared myself to the stereotypical “daddy issues” bimbo some men salivate over in the dating world.

And if that’s not bad enough, you can add a diabetic helping of assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs to your plate, collectively called “GAILs.”

Gremlins – that “I’m not good enough” message we tell ourselves

Example: feeling you’re unworthy of a partner’s love if you’re overweight and (s)he’s in shape

Assumptions – when you think “since this happened in the past, it’ll happen again”

Example: assuming future dates you meet online will probably flake since the last one did

Interpretations – an opinion about a situation

Example: interpreting someone’s silence over text message as disinterest in you as a lover

Limiting beliefs – a belief you’ve accepted that limits you

Example: believing you can’t open your heart to anyone, for fear of being judged

How Mental Roadblocks Can Make You Their Bitch

How much can you relate to Rini and other amazing women who find themselves becoming the bitch to their GAILs?

You might be dating someone who’s charming and good-looking, someone you can show off to your friends because (s)he makes good money, someone who cleans up well and can make you laugh for days.

You look at this god-like creature, who seems to have been raised by sirens or sculpted perfectly from the finest clay, and you pinch yourself, thinking this must not be real life.

Everything seems perfect on the outside.

Inside the relationship, that person might be inconsiderate, put his or her friends or work first, repeatedly flake on dinner dates and apologize later, call you “beautiful” one day and then fall off the grid for a week, forget your birthday, be in no hurry to introduce your to his or her family, and be an all-around douche.

Now, imagine how you might react:

You might do whatever it takes to seek his approval.

You might constantly plan your schedule around his, and then put up with his flakiness, defending his behavior to your friends.

You might start thinking all (wo)men are going to treat you horribly, so why bother dating anymore?

You might start interpreting every delayed text conversation as the relationship being doomed from the get-go.

You might start believing you should never “give” in any relationship, or (s)he might take advantage of you.

You might start thinking that any potential partner who calls you “beautiful” is a liar and will disappear.

You might put funny people who ask you out in the “douche” bin, because that’s your new view of charming (wo)men.

You might feel unworthy of dating a good-looking person, thinking good-looking people have better things to do than date you.

Some of these examples might sound nuts, while others might hit close to home.

They’re all examples of letting gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs get the best of you.

Regardless, it’s totally understandable that unpleasant, even dreadful, dating experiences would make you see dating (or certain aspects of it) under a whole new negative light.

It makes sense that our experiences, and the GAILs that come out of them, would prompt us to act a certain way to protect us from future hurt.

It makes complete sense to feel cynical; devoid of trust, love, and hope; frustrated; and even tortured, given that no matter how hard you try in your dating life, the universe seems to be playing the puppeteer or playing practical jokes on you so you can never find happiness [cue evil clown laugh].

How You Can Make Mental Roadblocks Your Bitch

It can be hard getting past your dating GAILs on your own, which is why I highly recommend hiring a dating coach.

A dating coach is like an accountability buddy who will kick your ass into gear and a (virtual) wing-woman who will act as your champion in those rough dating waters.

If there’s anything I know about dating for smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women, it’s that dating can be daunting and challenging in a world of ineffective dating advice (from friends, family, and the media) and sexism.

It can be so easy for top-notch women like Rini to lose themselves to their weaker alter egos when the world is packed with people who look like accomplished, seductive Barbies and Kens on the outside, but are really like immature, narcissistic, name-any-selfish-TV-character-or-movie-character-or-any-orange-president-you-can-think-of.

Many of us have lived it, and I’ve lived it, too.

Seriously, as cheesy as it sounds, a dating coach can help lift you out of your dating ruins and toward a smarter dating heaven.

We do this by knowing you already have the answers; we just bring them out of you.

Here’s a play-by-play example (based on an exercise I learned in my life coaching certification school, the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching, or iPEC):

Call it out: Through life/dating coaching, Rini learned she has a green, grumpy, slimy gremlin living inside her, telling her she’s not good enough to be with the men she dates.

Client recognizes how she feels: She might feel sad, insecure, unattractive, hopeless, unworthy of love, or any other emotion or self-judgment.

Acknowledge and validate those feelings: The coach and client work together to acknowledge those feelings and remind her that she has every right to feel how she feels under the circumstances.

Acknowledge what the gremlin is trying to do: One way to look at the gremlin is as that slimy, green, fear-fueled boogeyman who’s out to get her. Or, instead of seeing the gremlin as a mean ol’ “life limiter,” she can look at it with love, as if it were well-intentioned neon lights flashing the words “Wait! This hurt you in the past, so I need you to hunker down to avoid more heartache!” Which way (or what other way) can Rini look at the gremlin to make it her bitch? Which way can help her move forward?

Thank her gremlin: She can work with the coach to speak to her gremlin from a place of love. She might choose an object or make something crafty to represent her gremlin, give it a name (e.g., Douche, Ken, Andrew Glover who played the Boogeyman), and then talk to it. From there, she can begin to embrace the gremlin as a part of her, but not all of her, and thank it for its service. The gremlin doesn’t have to define her.

March on: She can find a line on the ground and stand on one side of it. When she’s ready, she crosses it. On the other side is a new beginning, a more empowered woman who will date like that smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM woman she sees in the mirror.

Obviously, you don’t always need a dating coach to help you through your darkest times, which is why I outlined the steps above for you to undertake on your own. However, it can be very hard to get through those dark times without help, so if you have the means, I’m here for you.

Take Action

Are your gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs making you their bitch? Want to make them your bitch? Start toward that optimal dating life by reaching out to me for support.

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year, and something felt a little off.

After all of that time, neither of us had said the “L” word to each other.

Some of you smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women might be okay with that, enjoying the slow pace at which your newfound relationship is moving, while others might panic and wonder where the relationship is going.

I was the latter.

Phillip and I had been doing our thang as a couple, camping in the woods, skiing the slopes, slacklining at (national) parks, scrambling rocks to new heights…

We had our quarrels, too. He was always intense, passionate, when we argued, while I liked my dramatic exits from the room to cool off (neither of which I recommend).

When he and I started dating, I recall him mentioning that his sister and brother-in-law didn’t say “I love you” to each other until around a year, year and a half, into their relationship, and he wanted to do the same.

Whether or not you agree with this, I had several internal reactions that gave me an eye twitch.

“Wait, what?! Why won’t you just say it when you’re ready? Why wait an entire year? You’re just going to set a timer and then say it when it goes off?!”

“Wait, I need to wait until the one-year mark for him to express how he feels about me?”

“What if he still doesn’t feel that way after one year? Am I wasting my time?”

“This is just very strange.”

A part of me didn’t want to take what he said seriously.

Then a year came around, and he still hadn’t said it.

We were at his family cabin in Big Bear, CA, and I was worried.

Bad Day in Big Bear

It was 2015, an El Niño year, and toward the end of the decade-long southern California drought.

That weekend, Big Bear had gotten a huge snow dump that caused traffic up the fucking wazoo.

It was as if a bunch of snow gods had partied too hard and collectively barfed on the mountain from on high.

Everyone and their mother wanted to get some of that snow action in thirsty southern California, yet hardly any of them (unsurprisingly) knew how to drive in snow.

It was hard to get anywhere without having to sit on the road for at least 30 minutes, even to travel a couple of miles.

I was going to miss my next ski lesson that would help me work toward a season pass (talk about first world problems).

I was anxious, and Phillip was furious.

In a battle between Phillip and traffic, traffic usually wins, getting a rise out of him and sometimes prompting him to turn around just so he won’t have to sit in traffic.

In life coaching, we call that “negative” and contagious energy that drags us down “catabolic energy,” and the opposite is called “anabolic energy.”

And I say “contagious” because it started to get really tense between us.

I was scared to say anything–to express my discomfort with his fury, to calm him, even to calm myself–for fear I would step on one of his emotional landmines.

(Even a year into dating, we were still learning how to handle conflict, which is okay and normal.)

That tension continued when we finally got through the traffic and made it to the Bear Mountain Ski Resort.

And even then, with crowded slopes and long ski lift lines, he just wasn’t having it.

I felt disconnected from him because, as cheesy as it sounds, the catabolic energy overtook us.

He was frustrated the whole time and didn’t hold back, and all of the signs were telling me that he wasn’t going to say the “L” word this weekend.

I skied with sadness, waiting for the day to be over.

The Next Morning

Phillip and I had tension for lunch, dinner, and breakfast the next day.

We hardly spoke to each other, and I was dying to know what was on his mind.

“Has he been thinking what I’ve been thinking? Am I going to have to be the bigger one and break the ice, so to speak?”

I was nervous as fuck.

We sat silently in the living room, eating oatmeal.

Several minutes later, I opened my mouth, speaking each word cautiously as if one little trip could set off a Phillip alarm.

“It’s been a year and I want to tell you ‘I love you,’ but I’m afraid the feelings won’t be reciprocated,” I said, my voice shaking.

“I’m just not sure I love you back,” he said.

I felt broken hearing that, and this was the beginning of our first painful, mega-catastrophic fight.

A fly on the wall could see two people going at it like a TV drama, and I felt like meteors and lightning were striking the earth around us.

Credit: WKIDESIGN/pixabay

He fired at me about how his previous relationships made him afraid to love another woman.

I fired back, feeling victimized, asking why he would waste time with me if he felt like he couldn’t love another woman anymore.

He pivoted, saying he didn’t want to be with a woman who hadn’t lived on her own before, insinuating that I was irresponsible.

I fired back, although I don’t remember what I said after that.

We both ended up in tears, Phillip sitting at the edge of the bed, leaning his head against me while I stood.

Our TV drama was coming to an end, and in that moment, I thought we had made a breakthrough.

We tore through the cobwebs of our past to learn something about ourselves, and it seemed like we could move forward.

But he still didn’t say it back.

Homeward Bound

Even though it seemed like we were making strides, I felt very awkward on the multi-hour ride home.

On top of that, many people still couldn’t figure out how to drive down the mountain in the barfed-up snow conditions, and it was starting to get on Phillip’s nerves.

Still unsure of the state of our relationship, I desperately wanted to keep talking about that morning in the cabin.

“Would he ever say it back?” I wondered.

But I kept to myself, instead desperately waiting for our car ride to be over.

Eventually, he dropped me off at my parents’ house, and he returned to his parents’ house only three minutes away.

I immediately phoned a friend as if I were on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

And he told me some of the best, simplest dating advice I’d ever heard.

Want to know what he told me?

He said, “Just tell him how you feel about him. If he doesn’t say it back, then at least he knows how you feel because you’ve communicated it. If he doesn’t say it back, then maybe he’s not ready, and that’s okay. Maybe he’ll be ready later; if not, it’s up to you how you want to proceed.”

Feeling empowered after this conversation, I called Phillip to drop the “L” word on him.

“I know we had a rough weekend, but I want to tell you I love you, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. I just wanted you to know, and there’s no pressure to say it back,” I told him.

“Oh yeah, I love you, too,” he responded.

Wait, what?! After all of that and he says it THAT easily?

The man drives me crazy to this day (and while I was writing this, he looked back on that time and told me his one-year plan to drop the “L” word was “dumb.” But he’s still cute, so I forgave him).

(Dating) Confidence Lessons

However, in a world of ineffective dating advice, and as a certified life coach, I can easily say from experience that:

There is no “one size fits all” answer to the question “When should I say ‘I love you,’ and who should be the first to say it?” Each couple has their unique story. However, I encourage you to trust your gut if it’s been a while (based on your definition of “a while”) and no one has said it, and to confront the situation to see if you’re wasting your time with that person.

It helps to throw away the “shoulds” we were taught growing up and just do whatever the fuck we want (within our control). I encourage you to throw away old rules and come up with new ones you choose to live by.

Finally, I want to gift you smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM women with three confidence nuggets:

#1 You are a warrior, so stop fucking overthinking everything

It’s so, so easy to overthink what your partner said and how (s)he said it, to feel weak and embarrassed if you were to express your feelings without any reciprocation, and to worry about the long-term consequences.

But how much does it serve you to be a prisoner to your thoughts?

How much does it serve your relationship to make who says the “L” word first a competition?

How much does it serve you to be ego-driven when it comes to love?

I can tell you what can serve you, if you try it on for size: Be present; let the relationship develop organically; and however you feel, that’s how you feel, and those feelings deserve to be out there.

Don’t fight it.

#2 Learn to love your-fucking-self first

You’ve heard it time and time again, and we could always, always use a reminder.

I’d argue that self-love is the root of all confidence.

Let me put it this way: You are your own celebrity, your own hero, and you can always use your unique platform to spread love, both within yourself and with others.

Try to meditate on that: what makes you more than enough, what you have to contribute to the world, and why anyone would be lucky to have you.

What makes you that smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM woman?

Then, when you find yourself a quality mate, expressing your love will be a walk in the park.

#3 Look at the fucking best and worst case scenarios (and march on regardless)

Honestly, what are some best case scenarios for expressing and spreading love?

You get to spread contagious anabolic (“positive”) energy.

You get to attract that energy back.

You get to advance your relationship.

You get the world in the palm of your hands.

And really, what are some worst case scenarios?

Your partner isn’t ready to say it back, or might never say it back.

But now you’re enlightened to the situation and can decide what to do next (e.g., talk it out, accept it, be patient, dump him).

Embarrassment, maybe? If you allow yourself to feel that way.

And really, you didn’t die.

Take Action

Are you having trouble expressing your love to another? Are you having trouble loving yourself? Does your partner struggle to express it to you? Are you questioning whether or not you even love him/her? Comment below or reach out to me in a safe space.

When you’re a dating coach and blogging about it, you might quickly realize that anything you do (such as surfing) can have a dating lesson attached to it.

So, let me tell you smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women what I learned about dating from a couple of surfing nightmares.

I had taken a surfing lesson in Pismo Beach, CA in February 2018 and in O’ahu, Hawaii in July, both of which quickly showed me that it was totally possible for someone like me—someone with inner ear problems and bad balance—to be a wave rider.

I felt confident after those lessons, as if that Beach Boys song “Surfer Girl” was written about someone like me.

I could stand on a fucking nine-foot “foamie” while the ocean carried me to shore. I was on top of the world.

Until September came along.

Huntington Beach, CA

My boyfriend Phillip’s family and I went to Huntington Beach to celebrate the imminent end of the summer, and all I could think about was hitting the waves.

I was a surfer girl now, after all.

I went in the water with Phillip and his dad and had the. hardest. time. paddling. out.

Every wave hit me in the face so hard that I was either knocked off the board or obsessively clearing my eyes of ocean so I could see again, only to get hit by another slappy wave.

These waves were larger and less merciful than those summer Hawaiian waves.

At some point, I caught a wave for about half a second, and then the ocean body-slammed me underwater for what seemed like eternity.

I didn’t know which way was up or down.

The board hit my head at my first attempt to resurface.

Then another wave steamrolled me.

I waited for the moment I could breathe again.

I did survive that encounter, but I had also swallowed some of that water and found myself on the toilet with diarrhea the next day…

…I swear there’s a dating lesson in here. Bear with me!

Zuma Beach, CA

I endured quite a bit during that day in Huntington, but I didn’t want to give up.

My friend and I went to Malibu for another go. She had taken a surfing lesson a year ago, so she had some idea of how to handle Mother Nature’s boisterous blue water.

…except when we arrived (after having trouble finding parking due to a marathon and having to walk a distance to the beach while carrying surfboards on our heads), the waves looked like the ocean was PMSing.

They roared, building up like a colossal claw and scraping the shoreline once they broke, sucking in unlucky victims like a vacuum if they tried to get out.

Not even the lifeguard wanted to surf that madness.

But we did!

We trekked to the other end of the beach for slightly smaller waves (based on lifeguard recommendation), hopped on our boards to paddle out like a couple of ambitious idiots, and were immediately—and I mean, immediately—destroyed.

That water was. no. joke.

We crawled out of the water like a couple of shipwreck survivors, looking at each other and laughing at what we had just tried to do.

After taking a few minutes to collect ourselves, my friend decided to have another go.

Being a wee thing and knowing not to mess with Mother Nature, I decided to hang back.

Instead, I spent about half an hour clearing out my sinuses, sitting on my towel bent over the sand looking as if I was sniffing cocaine off that golden graininess.

Minutes later, my friend popped out of the water with a beached surfboard that was completely enveloped in seaweed.

She looked at her hands as if she had injured them.

“I didn’t think I was going to make it out alive!” she exclaimed.

Reflection

It’s easy and understandable for anyone getting into surfing (or any extreme sport) to feel shaken after experiencing a seemingly life-threatening episode or two.

When these things happen, one might regret ever trying an activity in the first place.

While I was motivated and a little nervous getting into those waves, I felt even more defeated afterward.

I attempted to surf at Pismo Beach again but didn’t have the right wax for the surfboard I was using. I kept slipping off. I’m using this animated gif as a metaphor for defeat.

It was as if the feels were waiting to strike at an opportune moment, plunging into my veins in one fell swoop.

Like a PMSing ocean.

I felt like I was trying so hard to get good at something, while an external force (literally and figuratively) kept slamming me down.

I tried and tried and tried.

After sitting in those feelings for a while (instead of forcing them away), I realized once again that grit and determination mattered more to me than anything else in this situation.

The same goes for dating.

Finally, What This Has to Do with Dating

So, what do dating, diarrhea, and dangerous waves have in common?

Let me rephrase that to sound less gross: What can you learn about dating from my scary surfing experiences?

#1Put yourself out there, even if it seems scary

I’m not saying you should overcome your fears by putting yourself in a clearly sketchy situation, like sticking your bare arm into a beehive to overcome your fear of bees, or attempting to walk a tightrope several feet over concrete with no safety net to overcome your fear of heights.

I’m saying there could be moments in your dating life that might seem insurmountable.

Maybe you’re meeting someone from Coffee Meets Bagel for the first time and can’t seem to relax.

Maybe you want to break up with someone who kind of freaks you out, and the thought of doing so makes you want to hurl or pass out because you’re worried he might retaliate.

Maybe you’re having trouble just saying “no” to something that makes you sweat from discomfort.

Whatever the case may be, our minds can have a way of messing with us, prompting us to make up whackadoo stories and blow things out of proportion.

Our unique experiences can conjure all sorts of mental roadblocks—gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs (GAILs)—that can keep us from living that optimal life we want.

It happens to me, it happens to you, it happens to all of us, and that’s okay!

You’re right, dating can feel scary. But it doesn’t have to be.

Just remember something I learned from another dating coach: You’re the CEO of your love life and dates are like interns interviewing at your company.

Just be sure to create a company that they’ll want to commit to full-time ;-).

Remember to ask yourself where this fear might be coming from.

Remember that fear is just your friend trying to keep you safe.

Remember to thank your friend Fear for protecting you, and then tell her you got this.

#2 But also know your boundaries

After getting an oceanic beating in more ways than one, I knew I had to sit out.

I was real with myself, because I knew that my mind and body couldn’t go beyond constant wave slaps in the face, body slams that left me holding my breath for an undetermined amount of time, and overall conditions that a newb like me couldn’t handle (yet).

I accepted that I still needed training wheels, whether that meant another surf lesson or easier currents.

Me when I tried modeling at 18 years old. (Credit: Some guy named Peter)

When I was 18 and figuring out my place in the world, I decided to join a community of models and photographers called modelmayhem.com. I wanted to try my hand at the world of modeling for some god-awful reason. Boy, was that a lesson in self-esteem and dating.

At the time of writing this, I’m a couple of months from being “dirty 30,” so I have a fuzzy recollection of the events of this time. However, I remember looking at other models’ profiles to try to figure out what it took to “make it.”

To start, I posted self-portraits I took with a timed camera that, looking back, had the naive, unflattering energy of 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon when she was trying to make it in show biz as an actor and before she became a comedy writer.

I also had acne like a warty pumpkin, and my face was so oily that the oil could have been collected in bottles and sold for suntanning. #tmi

Oh god, this is all coming back to me now… Make the images stop!

At some point, a few sympathetic Jack Donaghy-like (another 30 Rock reference) photographers offered to work with me for free to help me build my portfolio (and build theirs, I guess). We went to parks, or I visited their studios with a friend to make it happen, trying to tap into my inner Tyra Banks and all of those American top models.

The above image is an example of their magic that transformed me from a dungeon troll to a swan, along with this one:

How in the…? What in the…? (Credit: Some guy named Peter)

When I Came to My Senses (and Self-Esteem)

A few months later, I started to have a decent portfolio (albeit of unpaid gigs), so life was going well.

…except for the blaring part about feeling deeply insecure about my appearance.

I couldn’t get my acne under control. I felt like I needed bigger boobs. I thought I had to be taller. I worried my face was too long for the camera. I was anxious about my weight and thought I had cottage-cheese-curd thighs. My hair was still like a frizzy, lion mane Jew poof that needed a lion-tamer-strength product or hair dresser.

And I continued to compare myself to other models on Model Mayhem, thinking I could never be like they were. Something didn’t feel right.

When I was stuck inside my head about the vanity of it all, a little voice reached its hand to help me out, and I decided to call it quits.

That little voice was my gut telling me this world wasn’t for me, and that I was more meant for a nerdier, dorkier, hobo-like world of bad fashion, no makeup, and dirt.

Today, I look and feel more like a happy dungeon troll.

Self-Esteem and Dating Lessons

So, what does this story mean for you? You might be looking at yourself in the mirror, comparing yourself to women in magazines (or even to your Facebook and Instagram friends), and feeling like absolute stanky shit.

First off, it’s completely normal to feel like the grass is greener on the other side–to want someone else’s body or hair or to try the latest diet so you can look just like that woman on the billboard–because it always seems like those women are getting all of the love and attention.

It’s depressing to feel like you were born with a bad hand, such as a Joker of flat chests or a 7 of big ears. You begin to think, “Nothing a little plastic surgery can’t fix…”

Well, I have a few things you, a smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM woman, need to hear:

I’m going to give you some tough love: Stop it. Just stop it. You’re wasting your time. How much does it serve you to keep comparing yourself to others? (Hint: It doesn’t!) How much does it serve you to mope around? (Hint: It doesn’t!) How much does it serve you to put your body in jeopardy or morph it like a balloon animal so it can look a certain way? (Hint: It very much doesn’t!)

The National Association for Self-Esteem said it well: Self-esteem is about meeting life’s challenges; not feeling victimized; taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions; and making conscious decisions to support and care for yourself.

Try this on for size: Toot your own horn in a journal, an iPhone Notes app, or whatever works for you. What do you have going for you? What makes you fucking amazing? What have you accomplished in your life? What makes you irresistible to the opposite sex?

Do you feel great without makeup? Great, write it down. Can you think of times when you’ve overcome adversity? Great, write it down. Do you have a bangin’ pair of boots that make your ass look like the cat’s meow? Then fuck yeah, write it down.

I have nothing new to say here, but looks aren’t everything. Trust me, even a model gave an entire TED Talk about it, revealing that even she feels insecure. Imagine living in a world where appearances matter above all else, a world where all substance is in an image (booooorrrrrriiiiinnnnng) instead of in a meaningful conversation or a groundbreaking scientific discovery.

I lived it and couldn’t even last more than a few months. It fucking sucked. I felt like I was reduced to a piece of meat. That’s why we STEM women are in our element when we can flaunt our intelligence and personalities. In the end, those help us earn the big bucks!

Dating. Think of a time when you used the Law of Attraction to attract a good quality mate (or even just someone) into your life. What was your mindset at the time? How were you being your best self? What power did you have in your hands that made someone salivate over you?

Or, think about a time when you attracted a new friend into your life. Obviously that person found you badass enough to want to hang out and keep in touch. Also, I bet you didn’t need to dangle a single modeling photo in front of their faces to get them to like you.

One time, when my boyfriend Phillip and I started dating, we were sitting at a local restaurant and I showed him an Earth science mobile app I was working on at my day job. After I showed him how it worked, he said to me, “Wow, I’ve never nerded off with a woman before.” Obviously, confidence, brains, and personality trump all–and make a relationship last.

Take Action

Are you feeling down on yourself and need a pick-me-up? Are you struggling to love yourself while getting back into dating? Do you need help attracting amazing people into your life? Do you want to regain the power you feel like you’ve lost? I want to help! Comment below, sign up for my regular emails, or get in touch with me so we can work together toward a life of badassery.