The Florida GOP's Gun-Control Excuses Are Hilariously Dumb

Everyone knows Florida is run by rubes, fools, and con men. But most people likely weren't aware just how stupid the state's legislators really are here on a daily basis until this week, when a brutal Florida school massacre forced national reporters to ask the state's Republican intelligentsia how they feel about gun laws. Their answers this week have ranged from cynical lies made in bad faith to generalizations so stupid one seriously begins to wonder if it wouldn't be better to put dogs in charge of the state budget and just try living in pure anarchy for a while. Needless to say, it's been a hard week.

How hard? Here's a rundown of the most gobsmackingly dumb things Florida politicians have said after the Stoneman Douglas shooting:

1. The Republican-defeated assault weapons ban was just a "political stunt."

Who said it: This seems to be the Florida Republican Party's official explanation as to why the state House voted 36-71 to kill an assault-weapons-ban bill earlier this week as Stoneman Douglas survivors watched and wept in the gallery. Numerous state legislators have tweeted out this excuse, and Southwest Florida state Rep. Matt Caldwell tried to offer this argument on CNN this week, only to get epically swatted down by anchor Brooke Baldwin. (See the clip above.)

Why it's dumb: Who cares if the vote was a political stunt? Everything in politics is a "stunt" to some degree. Republicans happily engage in political "stunts" all the time. The Florida Legislature could ban every assault rifle in the state tomorrow if it chose to, but 71 politicians instead chose not to. The politics of this specific vote have nothing to do with the fact that the Florida GOP cannot even imagine regulating guns.

And don't give us this bullshit about how the vote wasn't done correctly from a "procedural" standpoint. Yes, the bill had stalled in multiple committees during this legislative cycle — precisely because the Florida Republican Party intentionally chose not to support it. Griping about "process" is just a method these cretins use to place extra layers between themselves and their own decisions in order to pretend they aren't responsible for things.

2. Shootings happen because Americans aren't into God anymore. Who said it: A whole lot of people. State Representative Randy Fine, a man who looks like a sentient raspberry, offered that as an answer on both CNN and his own Facebook Live stream yesterday. Fellow State Rep. Julio Gonzalez used this as an excuse last week on the right-wing radio show he hosts. And Miami-Dade County Commission Chair Esteban Bovo, a longtime friend of Marco Rubio, blamed the shooting on a lack of "God in public life."

Miami-Dade Chair Bovo, who voted against supporting assault-weapons ban, cites video games, culture and “a passion” for keeping God out of public life in the rise of mass shootings. “Are we paying the price?” pic.twitter.com/aSpzOIVJZl

3. Massacres occur because of the dissolution of the two-parent household.

Who said it: Both Reps. Randy Fine and Julio Gonzalez have offered this response. Gonzalez said on his "Right Talk America" radio show that shootings might be happening because of lax family morals and a society that no longer teaches "men to be men."

Why it's dumb: Nikolas Cruz was raised by two parents — until they died. Was he supposed to prevent that somehow? Then Cruz's legal guardians became another married, heterosexual couple. Columbine's Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold both came from "intact" nuclear families that attended church regularly. So did both Roof and Cho.

4. Armed school guards or teachers could have stopped this.

Who said this: Every Republican, plus some Democrats too.

Why it's dumb: There was an armed school guard at Stoneman Douglas. You saw what happened there. Maybe, just maybe, another few armed guards could have shot Cruz if they got lucky. But they also might just as likely have shot Lorenzo Prado, an innocent Douglas student who told Tallahassee lawmakers yesterday that he was repeatedly mistaken for Cruz during the chaos, including by a professionally trained SWAT team, who thankfully didn't light him up with gunfire the second they saw him:

Florida school shooting survivor Lorenzo Prado tells an incredible story about being confused for the mass murderer amid the chaos last week pic.twitter.com/7e38qCqHDs

Prado likely would have had his head blown off had random gym teachers been allowed to patrol school grounds with concealed Glock handguns. Also, armed teachers and resource officers have accidents all the damn time already:

Since you’re a moron: how about a ban on all semiautomatic rifles, no rifle or pistol magazines over 10 rounds, federal buyback of AR-15s, reclassification of AR-15s as Title 2 weapons, mandatory 10-day waiting period on guns + ammunition, and nationwide may-issue CCW permitting

6. "People who say, 'Let's put mental-health counselors in schools,' because there's a rise in mental health [problems], that's like saying there's a spike in headaches in schools, so let's put out Tylenol."

Who said it: Aforementioned brain-genius Randy Fine, who offered this up on his live-stream yesterday.

Why it's dumb: What does this even mean? He said he wants to figure out why people are developing mental health issues, despite the fact that A) entire fields of research are already devoted to this and B) all of them say the whole world needs more mental-health counselors. He is intellectually overwhelmed and making things up on the spot.

Also, if school-children are getting headaches, you should probably still give them Tylenol as you work to find out what's happening.

7. This is not the National Rifle Association's fault.

Who said it: Tons of people, including U.S. Congressman Matt Gaetz, who is a regular guest on InfoWars.

The @NRA is an organization that takes 100% of the blame for the conduct of 0% of its members. BTW - nobody reads about violence that is stopped by RESPONSIBLE gun ownership. I'm as proud of my NRA A+ as I am of bipartisan legislation I've passed to keep crazy ppl away from guns https://t.co/DAmDJmUKnE

Why it's dumb: It is absolutely the NRA's fault. This is the sort of bad-faith argument so transparently incorrect that it could only be made by people getting paid to say it. The NRA dispatches lobbyists to fight virtually all gun regulations in America. If you even attempt to pass gun-restrictions the NRA will even tell your constituents to vote you out of office. NRA lobbyist Marion Hammer infamously has a stranglehold over Tallahassee and literally writes laws for state legislators.

At the @cnn town hall, @nra representative @dloesch criticized that states only *voluntarily* submit records into the nation’s background check system.

If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.

SHOW ME HOW

Newsletters

SUCCESS!

You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!

Who said it: Chronically stupid state Sen. Dennis Baxley, the Ocala legislator who authored Florida's Stand Your Ground Law, fought against building a monument to slavery victims in Florida, and attended a pro-Confederate meet-up mere days after the Charlottesville Nazi rally. He's effectively Confederate Lloyd Christmas.

Why it's dumb: Legislators are actually trying to end obesity by regulating food-portion size. Also, spoons are infamous mass-murder weapons that have no place in civil society.

Jerry Iannelli is Miami New Times' daily-news reporter. He graduated with honors from Temple University. He then earned a master's degree in journalism from Columbia University. He moved to South Florida in 2015.