Coleen hears from a reader who is worried about falling back in with a dodgy ex

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Dear Coleen

I’m 27 and feel as if I’m ready to settle down and start a family. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about a year ago now. I loved him but my family and friends thought he was using me.

He is 23 and has bipolar disorder. After a manic episode, he took out a loan and spent it all in the same week.

I bailed him out but he wasn’t going to therapy or taking his medication and after a blazing row when I found him smoking weed, he threw a chair at me. This scared me and I ended it.

He still owed me more than £3000, which I assumed I’d never see again. After a few days he apologised for everything and said he would change, but he’d made those promises before so I didn’t listen to him.

He eventually did pay me all the money back – to everyone’s astonishment. However, by then I’d met someone new, whom my parents and friends adored. He was perfect on paper – rich, reliable, settled – and everything my ex wasn’t. But recently I ended it as I didn’t feel I loved him.

My ex contacted me when he found out I was single and he still wants me. He says he’s been to therapy (which is ongoing), he’s taking his medication regularly and has quit smoking weed. I’ve checked with his friends and they all say he’s been much better.

I met up with him and all my feelings came flooding back, and we had the most amazing sex. I know I can meet other men easily but I still want him and feel he’s the one. I want a real relationship with him again, but I’m worried I can’t handle another manic episode. Even though he’s dealing with his anger issues in therapy, what if he loses his temper and injures me, or slips back into his old bad habits?

I want a family and don’t know if he’s reliable enough for that. Worst of all, my family and friends won’t like it. I feel he’s tried hard to sort out his life and has matured, but it could go horribly wrong.

Can I make this work? I have forgiven him and know he’s trying to make up for everything that happened.

Coleen Nolan offers some advice (Image: Getty)

Coleen says

It does sound as if he’s really trying to get his act together and be more responsible. But I think if you decide to go back to him, do it slowly and don’t even think about having kids for the time being. That is a big step for any couple and I think it’s too soon to trust him with this while your relationship is still fragile and he’s still learning to cope with his condition.

You also need to be honest with him from the start, in that if he does fall back into bad habits – not taking his meds and using illegal drugs – or is aggressive to you, then it’s over for good.

I can understand your family and friends being wary as your wellbeing is all that matters to them. For now, don’t make it official until you’re as sure as you can be that he’s got himself together. Maybe what he needed was for you to walk away to realise what you meant to him and the importance of managing his condition.

There’s good information at mind.org.uk for people who have loved ones with bipolar disorder. It might also help your friends and family to understand the condition better should you end up back with your ex.