Putin promises to keep invasions down to a minimum

President of Russia Vladimir Putin has today promised that he will keep all invasions down to a minimum. Mr Putin has blamed foreign interference for him choosing to invade foreign countries but promised despite this he will be exercising restraint and will not be invading somewhere every day.

“We will start every morning by asking ourselves the probing question, ‘Do I really need to invade somewhere today? Could I maybe spend the day riding a horse topless or diving to the bottom of the sea to pick up some ancient vases?’ Failing that we could spend the day persecuting homosexuals or imprisoning opposition politicians. If people will insist on being foreign and forming alliances with other countries that are foreign then obviously we have no choice but to do a little invasion.

“Rest assured a little invasion in Crimea, followed by a quick one in Ukraine as a whole, back to another invasion of Georgia to stop them joining NATO and then a tiny invasion of Turkey. We might just pop back into Afghanistan to take a quick look. But believe me that’s it for the time being. Probably.”

An inside source has denied that Mr Putin has merely been playing a board game and become confused

“Many people think that he has been playing the strategic game ‘risk’. In actual fact but he has been playing ‘buckaroo’ where he is trying to invade as many countries as possible without inciting world war three.”

Thankfully Britain are sending in Foreign Secretary William Hague. “Hague will put a stop to it. They love a wealthy right wing career politician over there. He’s very popular.”