Hard to believe the time has been 16 months. While just a blink, or seemingly longer, I am in awe of the darkness in between. Darkness because I let your negativity and hurt impact me, I let my own hurt overcome my ability to heal. This letter serves as a way to resolve my feelings that I feel you never let me express.

Dear Former Friend, we used to spend a great deal of time together. Time I cherished trying to get to know you, time I invested to earn your trust to confide in me as I did you. Time I loved because I am the kind of friend who gives my all, a friend who is loyal, a friend who is selfless, a friend who loves and cares for you regardless and would give the truth no matter how damning. The aforementioned, albeit honorable, seemed to be my greatest downfall as your friend.

You see I recall always listening, understanding your plight, validating you, and always remaining optimistic even when optimism seemed so far away. I am a woman, always a sister, always a friend, always a cheerleader. Born and bred into my DNA and even if we were not friends I would support and cheer you on because of the sisterhood of being a woman. I could never lie to you or tell you what you wanted to hear, but I could tell you what needed to be said, with love from my heart, soul and mind. My inability to bring you down was apparently what brought down our friendship.

You see I was told that I said anything but encouraging words. I was told that my positivity was absolutely negative and I had a way of discounting your feelings. I was told I said things in the past that you were harboring, but you never approached me about what I said wrong or how I did you wrong so that I may correct and ask forgiveness.

When you started to come around again, all I felt was anger and darkness. I felt betrayed. My Judas is what you were to me now when you visited my home with the fake hugs, the fake smiles, the entertainer I had to be, the actress as if we never had any unresolved issues. I began to question myself, "Was I truly that horrific of a friend?" Did I truly do wrong and how could I right the wrong? How I loathe unresolved conflict.

Your husband told me of intimacy, trust, respect. Suddenly you were the queen and usurper of these qualities and I a lowly peon undeserving of these same qualities. I was unworthy of your intimacy. I was unworthy of your trust. And above all else I was undeserving of your respect. I felt awful. I sobbed for days. I would hide my sobbing the pain was excruciating that a woman, my sister in Christ, my FRIEND, the human I chose to be in my life out of love, had displayed such deplorable superiority over me as if I were dirt.

I am dirt. I am the soil of this godly earth. I nourish and provide and tend to the garden for which I was given. If the needs of that garden are not expressly shared then I cannot provide, that is how dirt works. We sometimes have to till that dirt. We sometimes have to pull some weeds. We sometimes have to fertilize. We have to water. Above all else we have to love. I felt that true love lost, I felt that true love was never really there.

I was your afterthought. I was there for your convenience. I was also your greatest competition. Your desire and need to compete with me overtook our relationship. So in that competition, you felt you had won because you thought you were more deserving. But I never saw any competition, I only saw a sister, a friend, a fellow woman who I wanted to share more of my time and get to know and support her in all she did. I saw you as an equal, my confidant, my family. Then suddenly I was wrong. Or I had missed the queues all along.

I was asked if I felt the need to be friends with you. Chortling I never felt any such obligation. I saw you as an ally. A kind soul that had a completely different view of life than myself and I wanted to be your friend. However, my want to forge such a relationship, I feel, has been very one-sided, laborious at times, and quite frankly, suppositious.

When told how I wronged you, I felt like I was the villain. No where did you assume a role in our relationship. No where did you see your part that maybe you were lacking giving trust. Lacking vulnerability. Lacking intimacy. But you almost demanded it from me because otherwise I was being "mean" or not doting or meeting your needs and I was being selfish. Never once were my needs as your friend addressed.

Yet, I couldn't meet your needs no matter what because you lacked the intimacy to share what you needed from me as your friend. You lacked the vulnerability to tell me your struggles so that maybe we could exchange similarities or differences and or how I could help even if just to listen or give a simple gesture like a hug. I felt like you couldn't let me love you and like you for who YOU are, I felt like you needed me to like or love someone that you weren't and aren't. You were coming off as someone I no longer recognized. Hence - laborious, suppositious..

Dear Former Friend, I forgive you. I released you from any burden you wore on my conscience that I had wronged you. When I let you go...I freed myself from any bonds and stories I told myself of how awful I was, when truly, it was how awful we were together. I am thankful we waned, we strayed, our husbands did the same. Had we not experienced this event, myself and my husband would not have grown and experienced this amazing new chapter and adventure in our lives. I thank you. You no longer are a burden on my mental real estate. You no longer make me cry. You no longer are a part of my life and I thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be better now that you're gone.

Every year people make resolutions or set these ridiculous ideals for resolutions. I think each year is just a continuation of the next and just a continued journey. So with that idea, my intention (not a resolution or goal) this year is to share more about me (through cathartic writing) and self care. Because my writing is a form of self care for me, putting out to the universe my experience, sharing that through my experience or struggle, I or you, are not alone. [click to continue…]

One of the most common questions I have received over the last few months is “why are you doing this?” My answer is not always the easiest, but so flippant; I want to do this, I want to compete. When I was let go from the bank I suddenly found myself floundering personally. Unsure of my path, unsure of what came next, unsure of who I am, was, and to be. Then I had an “a-ha” moment where I was inspired by my trainer, I was inspired to take on a brutal mental, physical and emotional challenge. The challenge became my inspiration, I had a goal, light at the end of my seemingly dark tunnel. [click to continue…]

Laying in bed the other night with The Chad, we began discussing our workout routines, how we feel and my aspirations for my upcoming competition. I mentioned to him about an article I read about Lou Ferrigno and his amazing back and back workout. Lately I have had major back envy, looking at men and women alike learning how to actuate and activate those muscles for beautiful definition and growth. During our discussion we touched on the obvious use of steroids but also how fitness and nutrition will play a tremendous part of the equation for the majority of body builders, myself included. One of my largest struggles in this process was nailing down my nutrition with my fitness routines to see and feel lasting results. [click to continue…]

December marked my commitment to a huge transformation. Since having my twins exactly eight years ago I have struggled deeply both physically and emotionally. The main physical struggle was my weight. I was never a large individual and after having my twins, 8lbs 2oz and 6lbs respectively, the weight came off and packed back on while breastfeeding twins full-time. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Rarely getting out of the house, the mental toll of having extra weight, a self esteem that fluttered in the wind. So when my twins were 18 months I took my life back again through a change in diet and exercise, but I never was truly satisfied with my weight, my image, myself. [click to continue…]

I started this blog with every intention to be a sounding board for rants, raves and just to share the minutiae I would not otherwise share on The Five Fish. Some topics just do not need to be covered on that venue. I started The Fish to talk about my family, life with twins, motherhood. Now my life is evolving as my children have grown from infancy to toddlers to little people and even my tween, I find I have less cutesy events to share about them and antics and more of accepting their privacy as individual people.

So now I have a new horizon of motherhood, womanhood, embracing the “me” part of all of life as I leave my kids to their privacy. With that many things have changed over the last several years, one of the most revealing events was leaving corporate America and finding my own niche. Going out on my own as a business woman, driving my own income, my own dreams and my own goals. High aspirations were to use this blog to share that vision…and to some degree I will. [click to continue…]

Do you struggle waking in the morning? The alarm is like a dreaded reminder of the job you will drag yourself out of bed for each day. You find no joy or love in wanting to “go to” work. Granted, most of us say that we do not want to work, but let’s face it, if we were unemployed we would be begging for work. What we are really saying is that we want a dream job. We want a job that we love, that we have flexibility, we might have the opportunity to work from home, and finally the dream job pays a decent wage that sustains our lifestyle. [click to continue…]

Perusing Facebook you may come across one of your friends posts that refers to some interesting life hack to make the day-to-day a bit simpler. If you really want to know about a life hack, ask your grandma or someone else’s grandma. Sounds silly or absurd but I cannot tell you what a wealth of information our family and elders can be with real life advice in her most simplistic form. My suggestion is to find someone who was born at least 1954 or older, the Baby Boomers are fabulous for advice from careers, life, love, and finances. [click to continue…]

Gripping at the final credits as the film winds through the reels, waiting patiently in the dark for the next teaser. Some trailer or scene, spoilers for a sequel. All that is the left is the on location references and music acknowledgments, bore fest. My life was turning into that same scene of musical contributions and location listings, only the equivalency was a historical ledger, best known as a resume, of career moves and an epic failure. [click to continue…]

Being a woman of character I value my relationships on a rather deep and very human level. Albeit I may gamble a little too much in humanity, but I like to consider that a “feature” of mine as opposed to a flaw. I work hard at my relationships. Am I giving enough of myself as to avoid appearing aloof, am I open and approachable, do others have trust in me as a confidant based on our transactions. [click to continue…]