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Are "Thank You" and "Sorry" Stunting You Professionally?

One of the most valuable things my father ever told me was that it pays to be nice. That’s how he established connections and networked, maintained a social life, and earned fat tips as a New York City cab driver in the late sixties and early seventies. If I always kept my friendly disposition, he said, I’d excel professionally and personally.

But the word “nice” may be in need of a makeover. In August of this year, Dr. Timothy Judge of Notre Dame published a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology finding that women who exhibit more traits corresponding with agreeability earn less money than women who exhibit less of those traits. Judge found that agreeable females may be walked all over as a result of their good nature.

Others have come to a similar conclusion: a few weeks ago, Daily Beast columnist Amy Reiter penned a contentiouscolumn titled, “Email Etiquette: Why Being a Jerk at Work Pays.”

In her article, Reiter reveals that co-workers and business contacts began treating her with more respect after she stopped using terms like “sorry” and “thank you” regularly in emails. Reiter, who historically ended emails with a “thanks!” and apologized in messages for any inconveniences, made a decision to “shed just a bit of [her] workaday warmth” and carefully inspect each note in detail before sending anything out to ensure there were no slip-ups or signs of regret or gratitude.

“I learned to bargain firmly and unapologetically and was paid fairly—and it seemed to me that, when people paid more for my work, they tended to value it (and me) more highly, further increasing my own sense of worth,” Reiter writes.

Reiter also discovered, of course, that a balance must be struck between just using less agreeable language and becoming a prickly nuisance to work with. She admitted the exercise had limits, and that she “pushed too hard and lost assignments.” This caused Reiter to ask herself whether the shift in correspondence had tainted her reputation, and whether she’d lost perspective on how she was being seen by others.

Cutting out the cutesy details and sob stories

While having good intentions and working hard to show loyalty at work is still crucial to success, the Notre Dame study speaks much more to the impotence of exerting effort towards constantly assuaging the emotions of coworkers. The time for using words to show loyalty and support for your company is during interview rounds and press interaction, and not in the middle of a project.

Reiter changed her email style upon realizing that her high-powered boss prospered and earned the respect of others by being a “jerk” and never appearing to “give a rip about what was going on in the lives of anyone around him.” Reiter wanted to stop trying to achieve the impossible “dream colleague” status, so when she stopped trying to be a textbook perfect co-worker it helped her to clarify her work vision rather than get caught up explaining her feelings. At meetings, Reiter found herself “smiling less and bargaining harder,” showing loyalty to results over niceties.

Reiter adds that the confidence she acquired from this subtle change enabled her to find it in herself to start a freelance business, which has benefited her financially and professionally. Injecting kindness into emails didn’t help Reiter move up, but being direct and skipping out on all the cutesy details and sob stories did.

A fundamental concept in play here is that words lose their meaning when they’re used overly frequently or in the wrong situation. I’ve had a staff member asked me to stop thanking him every time he gave me an assignment. He questioned my sincerity and became annoyed with the unneeded commentary, which said nothing about my productivity or capabilities, so I vowed to cut to the chase with employees.

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