Stay strong--it is a tough time for you. We understand--sometimes the past takes control and robs us of who we are and should be. It puts us in a bad place--try to think of the times life looked good. I like most here had times when I felt like dying was the answer--maybe I was lucky instead of these feelings controlling I would just leave, dissociate or now I know as fugue--none of these feelings or states allows us to live the life we deserve. Like all of us here--we are trying to heal and see the good in life--please hang in there and do not give up--I and everyone here is not giving up on you. You have value and can give much to others.

What can I say, I thought there were rules against this, but I will respond to you with my erxperience. I attempted suicide the first tim,e when I was seven. The black buick stopped about 6 inches short of where I stood. I ran away.

At 11 I tried again, that time it was a bus that stopped. Boy did the bus drivber yell at me.

At fifteen I found alcohol. The first time I drank, I drank to a black out. I discover it diddn't matter. If I was in a black out I wasn't there. So when the emotional pain was too great, I just went to a black out.

I was in love at 19, married at twenty, a father at 23, and 25, and 27, and 30. After the second child, I could not just go to black out - I had to be there for my kids. So, I began to self mutilate.

I was 37 when the world crashed in on me. The therapist made me realize that both of my parents had done terrible things to me. I was "patched up and put back out."

I was working for the Governor's office in Colorado. A friend of mine got fired so I went with him to form a business. The Attorney General filed felony charges against us.

Even though the charges were dismissed at preliminary hearing, the state prohibited any public agencies to contract with us.

I turned suicidal again even though I could still get to a black out. But, I was diagnosed with chronic depression and PTSD an put on meds. I discovered more colors when I was on meds.

I got sober and my stuggle with not drinking kept me away from suicide plans for 594 days. Then the compulsion to drink was removed. They increased my med dosage and monitored me closely.

Instead of a counselor or psychologist they placed me under the care of a psychiatrist and her nurse. Insteat of brief therapy, they gave me a therapy session every week. And they taught me all the technology to stop my negative thinking, and cope. And I still had self mutilation as a back up. In my third year of sobriety my wife through me out of the house. I learned that if I burned myself on microwave popcorn I would never leave a scar.

I cared for my parents till they died (mother in 1999, father in 2001). Then I left Denver for St. Louis. Stopped therapy, lost my leg, lost my health insurance.

Fell in love, took the Beck inventory and scored like npormal people feel when they lose their job. That was the lowest level of depression I had registed since 1986.

So yes, I truly know what it is like to spend most of my life suicidal.

However, I can be there for my kids and grandkids, this would never have happened had I been dead. I no longer think the world is a totally hostile environment, I am no longer paranoid (and when I get those feelings I know it is between my ears, not in the real world). My grand kids are always happy to see me, even the shy one.

I am living on disability. I have about $10,000 in savings. And that is my retirement. I take 22 pills a day. I go to therapy twice a week, and I struggle.

But life has finally proven that waking up in the morning is better than dreading it.

Our stpories are all differemnt. We are all the same. Trust us as your comrades, it does get worth living.

Unconditional love; focusing responsibility; and a good way to meet people.

This is probably a good idea Magellan. Personally I much prefer spending time with animals than I do people. They have their needs (food, affection, etc), but do not want, do not make things complicated, do not judge. As SoccerStar said, they give unconditional love.

I'm not suicidal. I've been suicidal multiple times, but I'm too much a coward to actually do it.

I just want to die, and have wanted to die for most of my life.

I'm sorry you've had all the pains you've had associated with having relationships.

The major reason why I want to die is simply this - I've never had an authentic connection to another human being. I've never fallen in love.

I'm alone most of the time, except for coffee and lunches with program friends and acquaintances.

I'm lonely. I'm a loner, and don't want to be. I've been working hard at overcoming all of this, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm still lonely and I'm still a loner.

I envy that you've had 2 times where you fell in love. How lucky you are. It is those experiences that give us opportunities to really find out whats inside of ourselves.

me? I'm just a cheap imitation for a human being. I've discovered there is a huge, huge part of me that is comatose, unable to be discovered or explored simply because - I've never been in a relationship, and have never had one of those types of experiences. The close friendships I used to have, I was abusive, controlling and manipulative. When I realized the damage I was doing to others, I stopped. That was 12 years ago. I haven't had any close friends since.

I'm so fucking lonely. I'm social, but the extent of my being social is with people who I don't really click with, nor do I really have a great time.

You're so fucking lucky. You fell in love. TWICE!

Originally Posted By: genedebs

Magellan,

What can I say, I thought there were rules against this, but I will respond to you with my erxperience. I attempted suicide the first tim,e when I was seven. The black buick stopped about 6 inches short of where I stood. I ran away.

At 11 I tried again, that time it was a bus that stopped. Boy did the bus drivber yell at me.

At fifteen I found alcohol. The first time I drank, I drank to a black out. I discover it diddn't matter. If I was in a black out I wasn't there. So when the emotional pain was too great, I just went to a black out.

I was in love at 19, married at twenty, a father at 23, and 25, and 27, and 30. After the second child, I could not just go to black out - I had to be there for my kids. So, I began to self mutilate.

I was 37 when the world crashed in on me. The therapist made me realize that both of my parents had done terrible things to me. I was "patched up and put back out."

I was working for the Governor's office in Colorado. A friend of mine got fired so I went with him to form a business. The Attorney General filed felony charges against us.

Even though the charges were dismissed at preliminary hearing, the state prohibited any public agencies to contract with us.

I turned suicidal again even though I could still get to a black out. But, I was diagnosed with chronic depression and PTSD an put on meds. I discovered more colors when I was on meds.

I got sober and my stuggle with not drinking kept me away from suicide plans for 594 days. Then the compulsion to drink was removed. They increased my med dosage and monitored me closely.

Instead of a counselor or psychologist they placed me under the care of a psychiatrist and her nurse. Insteat of brief therapy, they gave me a therapy session every week. And they taught me all the technology to stop my negative thinking, and cope. And I still had self mutilation as a back up. In my third year of sobriety my wife through me out of the house. I learned that if I burned myself on microwave popcorn I would never leave a scar.

I cared for my parents till they died (mother in 1999, father in 2001). Then I left Denver for St. Louis. Stopped therapy, lost my leg, lost my health insurance.

Fell in love, took the Beck inventory and scored like npormal people feel when they lose their job. That was the lowest level of depression I had registed since 1986.

So yes, I truly know what it is like to spend most of my life suicidal.

However, I can be there for my kids and grandkids, this would never have happened had I been dead. I no longer think the world is a totally hostile environment, I am no longer paranoid (and when I get those feelings I know it is between my ears, not in the real world). My grand kids are always happy to see me, even the shy one.

I am living on disability. I have about $10,000 in savings. And that is my retirement. I take 22 pills a day. I go to therapy twice a week, and I struggle.

But life has finally proven that waking up in the morning is better than dreading it.

Our stpories are all differemnt. We are all the same. Trust us as your comrades, it does get worth living.

The one time I was given a full time position producing films for a non profit. That lasted a couple years before they laid me off.

The 2 times I dated a couple of people (2-3 dates) where I thought there might be a potential for something to develop, and they lost interest.... they ALL lose interest. I'm not attractive because I can't hold anyone's interest in me.

That's about it. That's about the extent of the hope I've had in my life.

Through all the years of pain and loneliness, I have learned one thing - love is the only thing that matters in life. Nothing else matters.

And apparently my purpose in life is to remind others who are complaining about their lives (no money, no job, etc) that they are stupendously lucky to even have had the experiences they have had - love is the only important thing. If you have no love in your life, no amount of money or fame will give you meaning or value in your life.

Love conquers all. I know it, because I've been SEVERELY deprived of it.

Originally Posted By: SmartShadow

Hay Magellan, thanks for the post and the added information. So sorry to here how you have wanted to die most of your life. That must be an ongoing discouragement to feal that way. I wonder if you would be willing to share what the "few times of hope were about?

Magellan,I'm not quite sure how to respond to your post, but feel that I must. I wondered aimlessly through life being so full of so called life, love, and happiness. I spent my life running, faster and faster from any emotions, while appearing to be fine. Truth was I was dead inside not being able to love or feel worthy of it. The damage was done to me at the age of 4 would guide my life silently but aggressively. I just want to share a few things that I feel when I read your posts.

I feel.. pain The pain of longing for something that you desire so badly but find it so hard to attain. I have felt this pain before. I would long for it so badly that I would let the wrong people enter my life and take advantage of me. My version of love was not the same as others. Punishing myself by believing it was me that was not worthy of this gift called love and that I deserved to be treated as bad as I was verbally, physically and emotionally.

I feel..confusion The kind of confusion that makes you question life and what it has to offer. A confusion that had me thinking that I was loosing my mind, going crazy, and just loosing control of what I thought was a perfect life. The highs and huge crashes of depression that no one but us understands.

I feel.. anger Why did this have to happen to us? Why? Why can't we just get over it like so many have and just get it fixed. Except it and move on. I'm so sick of hearing that crap. We are dealing with it. Therapy and meds that take forever to level out and then to find out it's not working and have to be switched again. People always making comments about how much weight we have lost or gained. Fine, you find out that your life was determined by others when you were a child, then you can talk to me about how I look.

I feel.. anxiety The kind of anxiety that makes my hands shake, jaws clinch, and my knees week. I feel that I am running out of time to deal with all of this. The healing is not coming quick enough and not at the pace I want. Why can't my brain release the horror locked up inside in segments that I will understand. Why do I have to constantly fear about having flashbacks or disassociations while being in crowds or watching a movie. I'm tired of being on guard 24/7.

I feel.. hope The kind of hope that has carried me this far. The kind of hope that allows you to feel something. We are broken, I will admit that, but I will not give up on hope. I have been where you are and visit that place daily and I fight hard everyday to keep hope in my heart. For pain can be no worse than what has already been done to us. Confusion I have learned, is part of the healing, sure I don't understand some of the things I do, okay most of the things I do, but isn't that why we turn to the professionals. Anger is always on my shoulders, bitter anger that makes me say things that I would have never said. I am getting better at recognizing it now, but it still is here. As far as the anxiety goes the meds have helped but the best medicine I have found is right here on MS. The people that have helped the most are the very people that are the farthest from me but in reality are the closest. You see Magellan, you are not alone in this fight, we are loved and joined with the rest of us misfits that are not giving up. You are very worthy of a happy life of love, we all are. I fight everyday to be the best person that I can be, sure I feel that it's not good enough, but it's the best I got.

Just keep giving everyday the best you got. Meds and therapy are hard on all of us, time is our biggest fear yet it is what also heals us. Please do not give up on your quest for love because I never found it until I looked in my own heart.Stay strong my friend,Randy

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.