Thursday, February 4, 2010

--Eek. I don't exactly know how to answer this right now =/ but no I do not. It is so very hard to exactly say that we are not together when I am at a total loss of words over it tonight. My feelings for him are still strong as I believe his are for me. Maybe in time we will be back together, but then again maybe he will be with someone more fit for him. My life is slightly complicated and the other half that isn't complicated, I make it.

We did run into him today at a restaurant--it was so strange. Charli and I went in to wait for my friend Krystina to get there for her lunch break. The next thing I know someone taps me on the back and it is him. What in the hello? Well, he walks in and tells the lady in the front that he is there to meet people and she gave him the directions to my table. What? Seriously. Fate. Hmm.

*What is your favorite thing about living in a small town?

--I don't exactly have a one favorite thing about living in this 4 stop light town? (I think we have 4) I love how quiet it is. I love the country and how beautiful ,how you can look and see hills, trees, farms..it's perfect. I also love knowing everyone. I love how we do not have any traffic in our town, besides if a funeral possession is coming through and everyone stops to be polite. I am in my comfort zone here.

*Who is your favorite actresses?

-- Katherine Hiegl...Yes I love you Izzy Stephens, please come back to Grey's before I boycott!

*When is the weekend of Lil Angels Attic Sale & at what church is it located?

*Someone emailed me asking if it were okay if I answered if Charli's Father had ever be in her life so I've decided to go ahead and add it in on this since I don't speak about him on here. First off let me go ahead with the point that ...we'll call him D...is an addict. This being one of the very many reason that I hate drugs.

Yes, he was in her life for a short amount of time. I'll explain. Whenever I found out I was pregnant I had done away with him in my life. I had moved on to college and was slowly but surely letting go of the life that I had shared with him. Although, I did still love him, this was the "new me." I found out I was pregnant a short time after being at school and decided to come home to start over again. We barely spoke even though we were technically "together" but he was not welcome in my parents home--due to his lifestyle and whenever I was out it was impossible to get in touch with him. I seen him once the entire time that I was pregnant. At 27 weeks whenever I started having complications he was suppose to go to the doctor with me to see what the conditions were. I was scared, terrified, and thought maybe just maybe this would be the change in him, finally. He never called, showed or anything. I believe that was possibly the worst I've ever been let down. After that I can't exactly say that I talked to him again until after she was born. His family was generous enough to come to my baby shower to give an enormous amounts of gifts that I was beyond grateful for.

No, I didn't let him know whenever I was in labor.

I kept in contact with his Mom mainly through email and whenever she came up to visit. He had somehow managed to find his way home. After a lot of discussions with my family, his family and a long night at some cafe with him I decided to let him meet her. This was at four weeks. A few weeks later he was gone again. I guess the addiction was calling his name, something that I will never understand.

I made some incredible memories during that time, that my heart ached for after he was gone. I was alright though, with the help of my family I made it through those times. I stupidly let him back in our lives after she was a year old and to this day I think it was the worst decision I ever made. Soon after, I started seeing a lot of his "old ways" come back into our lives. At this point, I asked him to turn away from us and never look back. I was content in that moment, that this was something that had to be done for all of us.

Do I regret ever letting her in his life? Yes. I pray daily that she will never be anything like him but then again I pray for his salvation and addiction problems. I'm not sure that his family has any idea where he is now.

I feel in my heart that I have made the right decision whether some people think so or not. She is mine and only mine in my eyes. I gave her my last name and I am the only guardian listed on her birth certificate. The way that I see it is, as long as she has one wonderful parent that is all she needs. So I strive daily to be this parent, the one that I was meant to be.

Charli knows the word "Daddy" and after hearing her friends talk about their Dads she does sometimes ask. Frankly, it ticks me off, not only at him but at myself too. I am not perfect by any means I have failed in my time. But I picked my self up and did what had to be done.

Which reminds me of this quote that I found the other day:"When I say "I am a Christian" I am not shouting "I am clean living." I am whispering "I was lost, now I am found and forgiven." When I say "I am a Christian" I do not speak of this with pride. I am confessing that I stumble and need CHRIST to be my guide. When I say "I am a Christian" I am not trying to be strong. I am professing that I am weak and need HIS strength to carry on. When i say " I am a Christian" I am not bragging of success. I am admitting I have failed and need GOD to clean my mess. When I say "I am a Christian" I am not claiming to be perfect, my flaws are far too visible, but GOD believes I am worth it. When I say "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain and I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon HIS name. When I say "I am a Christian" I am not holier than thou. I am just a simple sinner who received GOD's good grace, somehow."

You're amazing Paige, you have no idea! There are so many people that look up to you for the woman you are today. You're such a wonderful mother and I hope the day that I become a mom, I'm even at least half the one you are. Charli Beth will appreciate you so much one of these days for doing what you have done for her and for yourself.

Story of Mommy

I am a sinner saved by the grace of God. A wife to the 5oh, and Mother to Charli Beth and Bryar.
This is my story of Motherhood, life experiences and sometimes even my overwhelming heart all typed out.
I believe in second chances, yet the firm hand of parenting. That sweet tea is of the comfort food category. Chickens belong in every backyard. Children should each have a responsibility of their own while helping take care of duties in the home. Sports are a must for our family, and we spend many nights on courts or fields. We consistently feel new to each of the experiences that are brought into our lives. But we are always excited for the journey in which God has given us.

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