May 2014 – And a Bad Mix-Up with the Church Hall Booking

What a great time we had at the Egg-throwing at the “Hanged Man” pub on Easter Sunday afternoon! We raised £324 for the Air Ambulance! Mary Carey won with two marvelous catches – some people don’t realise just how hard it is not to break a hen’s egg thrown over a pub roof, but Mary, as befits the women’s cricket club captain, has a real catcher’s instinct.

However, I need to complain about the conduct of the church bellringers. After consuming, as their Easter tradition is, rather a lot of Hook Norton’s finest, they disappeared for half an hour before returning amidst much giggling. I now know that they were launching a raid on the area’s only remaining ostrich farm. I will long remember the sight of half a dozen ostrich eggs plummeting into the pub garden, the alarm on people’s faces, and the damage that an ostrich egg fired from a makeshift trebuchet can do to a pub conservatory. I have been advised by our insurers that, in future, all catchers will have to wear cycle helmets.

Yours etc

Bill Dirac, Schrodinger Street, Great Tremlett

Dear Sir

What a lovely Easter at church. I am aware that the people at Gt Tremlett enjoyed The 8pm Easter Vigil on Easter Saturday, as did the people of Lt Tremlett at 10. And Grilsby-on-the-Hill at midnight. I personally got up for the 6am Mass on Easter Morning at Woodby, and I was blessed, after a refreshing sleep, to come along for the 10.30 at Chapel End. (I’m told the 8am at Grilsby and 9.15 Family Service at Gt Tremlett were similarly enjoyed.) Then after the traditional Benefice Easter Lunch, it should have been a delight to join in the 8pm Compline at Grilsby. But the vicar, who I believe had preached a fairly lacklustre sermon at 6pm in Woodby, seemed to lack some of his familiar sparkle! Indeed, I swear I saw his eyes close once or twice, and at times when there was religion going on – not when it would have been appropriate for a period of quiet meditation!

Furthermore, his curtains weren’t open until 10am on Easter Monday morning. My suspicion is that he had a “couple too many” at the Songs of Praise at the care home in Woodby Chapel End at 4pm. Am I right? Or am I overlooking some other, less obvious, explanation?

The vicar now appears to have gone off for a couple of Sundays, otherwise I would have the chance to ask him in person, rather than throwing the question out in this totally inappropriate way, as I have had to do.

Yours etc

Sibelius Bunce, Cold Lane

Dear Sir

As is traditional now the “melt season” is well under way, it is my pleasure to report that the greatest ice coverage in Little Tremlett font this year was 24%. This was the 3rd lowest extent on record. Further emphasizing that Climate Change is indeed with us.

Yours etc

Morrigan Strangely-Greene, “Windchimes”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I would like to draw the parish’s attention to the profligate waste of altar candles at our Sunday services.

On average, the candles are lit 13’12” before the service starts. After the service, they are blown out on average 7’14” after the blessing is pronounced. This is a total of 20’26” seconds of unnecessary burning time!

It would be liturgically fitting, and more suitable for these economically straitened times, if the acolytes in the procession lit the altar candles when they came in. After all, they already have candles in their hands, and are therefore perfectly equipped to carry out this act. I suggest that, after the blessing, the presiding priest can swiftly put the candles out before processing from the altar to the West Door, to say goodbye to the departing parishioners.

Additionally, the altar candles are replaced, on average, when there is 2.4 inches of wax left. This is clearly a waste. I calculate that, if we reduced the length of burning time by 20″26 as described above – a saving of nearly 23% of the total burning time – and only replace candles when there is less than 0.4 inches of candle left, we will save on average £7.35 over the course of the average liturgical year. There is a slight statistical chance that a candle – or pair, on the assumption they burn at the same rate – may go out during a service – if the sermon is more than 7 minutes long. This can be alleviated by having shorter sermons.

Further savings could be made by moving midweek major festivals to occur on Sundays, or reducing to only one candle. However I leave this to the priest’s discretion.

In the course of these calculations, I have run up some expense in candle-burning trials. So I will be grateful if the treasurer could forward me a cheque, to cover my costs. I enclose an invoice for candles of £74.22.

Yours etc

Norbert Dranesqueezer, Chester St, Grilsby-on-the-Hill

Dear Sir

The “Easter Egg Hunt” in Grilsby-on-the-Hill was a total disgrace. One of the chlldren used three hounds. This is clearly illegal.

Yours etc

Major J Dumpling, “Rodney’s Rest”, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

During the Good Friday Workshop, the Vicar mentioned three times that Jesus died on Good Friday. Is he aware of the distress that he caused the children – and indeed several of the adults? Just accidentally mentioning it once he could have covered up – said he made a mistake, and it had never really happened. But three times would suggest he had some kind of a point to prove.

We will be withdrawing Revd Nathan’s invitation to the Workshop in future years, until he has apologised and promised not to repeat this kind of behaviour.

Yours etc

Catriona Danes, Keystones, Lt Tremlett

Dear Sir

I can only apologise, to the parish, the benefice and indeed the entire Banburyshire area. I am mortified by the mistake I made in taking the booking for the Church Hall. When I rented the hall out to the “Hothouse Chili Peppers”, I thought they were some kind of gardening club, and not a tribute band for an American rock band. I was rather confused at the time they phoned me up, as they repeatedly told me that they would be “wearing socks”, However I told them I had no problem with this – stressing that this was a vast improvement on modern beat artistes such as Sandie Shaw who perform without socks.

I was astounded, expecting to hear wise advice on the treatment of the tastier members of the genus Capsicum, instead to discover that on the stage there was a group of well-built men, sprayed gold, with practically no clothes. Although I was relieved to see that, as promised, they were each wearing one sock. My shock was, however, as nothing compared to some members of the Mothers’ Union who had come along to ask questions about Indian cookery.

My wife, however, seemed to be far more sanguine about the whole experience. Indeed, she is currently making arrangements to see their next “gig”, as i believe it is called, in Bicester.