Poor, bloody Tom Hiddleston. Part 1. NOT WORK SAFE

This fiction I bring to you, although I’m not at all sure exactly how to snark it. It frankly snarks itself. It may be so awful that it stinks beyond snark.

By NO MEANS is this damn thing WORK SAFE. NOT.

The story, although why I call it that when it’s a one-shot drabble, is called Penumbra. According to wikipedia:

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The penumbra (from the Latin paene "almost, nearly" and umbra "shadow") is the region in which only a portion of the light source is obscured by the occluding body. An observer in the penumbra experience a partial eclipse. An alternative definition is that the penumbra is the region where some or all of the light source is obscured (i.e., the umbra is a subset of the penumbra). For example, NASA's Navigation and Ancillary Information Facility defines that a body in the umbra is also within the penumbra

What all that has to do with this fiction is anyone’s guess.

The author is quodspersortum. From her page she seems to mainly write fictions that pair off the presenters of Australian Masterchef.

So she's no RPF virgin.

Tom Hiddleston, is known to most by his work as Loki in the Thor and Avengers movies, and to some of us as a blisteringly good Prince Hal in Henry IV and Henry V in eponymous BBC/HBO tv movies. He is paired off so often with co-stars, stars of other films, (Hiddleston/Sherlock Holmes anyone?), and the plethora of Mary-Sue self-inserts that he’s fiction whored all over the net. But this story simply takes the liberty of RPF to a new height.

For this fiction pairs Tom with… His hand.

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Basically this is 800 words of Tom touching himself. You know you want it.

I bloody well don’t.

So lets lookee see, shall we? Bit of respect for the guy? Delicately veiled curtain? Shots of daisies opening then some soulful words about beaded sweat and soft sighs?

Go on. Guess.

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When Tom walks through his flat, he is still naked and half hard. He doesn’t want sex with someone else today—there are people he could call—he doesn’t want to pick someone up at a club, he wants to be alone. He doesn’t even care to turn on his laptop for porn as he normally might, nor his television or music. It is just him, today.

Thomas William Hiddleston was born on the 9 February 1981. His father was a scientist in physical chemistry, who managed a pharmaceutical company, his mother was a former stage manager.

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He first traces the outlines of his lips with a finger, then pushes the digit in and sucks on it. He can hear how his breathing speeds up a little more, and moans when he puts a second finger in his mouth.When he pulls his fingers out, he leaves a trail of saliva down his lips, then his chin and down to his chest.

Eww.

Tom went to Eton, the famous private school. He was there the same time as Prince William. After he left school he went to Cambridge, studying Classics at Pembroke college.

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While Tom starts to ghost the tips of his fingers across the insides of his thighs he spreads his legs and puts his feet on the table in front of him. Then he cups his balls, pressing one finger a little further until it rests against his perineum. He is fully hard by now.

So I should hope. Pretty lousy if he can’t get himself up.

Despite his appearances in plays and TV movies, (including a role as Winston Churchill’s son, Randolph in The Gathering Storm), Tom graduated Cambridge with a double-first degree. He had decided to act as a career, so auditioned for, and got into RADA. The Royal Academy of Dramatic Art.

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Then he starts to stroke himself. At first slowly, pushing his foreskin across the head with the absolute minimum of power needed. Then he tightens his grip a little and starts to pull a little faster, sometimes stopping to spread the precome across the tip of his cock.

Shreds, you say? Of human dignity? What all that about, eh? Eh?

Appearing in many productions, Tom graduated from RADA and got his first film role in Joanna Hogg’s award winning first feature - Unrelated. Other film and television roles followed until his got his big movie break in Marvel’s Thor. He played Loki after Director Kenneth Branagh chose him, the pair having worked together for two series of Wallender. The film, released in 2011 was a huge financial success. IMDb stated the $150m film made nearly $500m. He reprised the role in 2012 in the Avengers movie and will do so again in Thor II, due to be released next year.

And that’s not how you spell precum.

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Then his balls tighten and scorching hotness sears through his body while he clenches two fingers and his thumb around the base of his cock. He bites his lip as he tries to sigh orgasm away but as soon as he lets go he has to start jerking himself off again and then, there it is, he can feel his muscles contract in his thighs, his balls, his stomach as he shoots hot strings across his stomach.

Again, Eww,

Tom has also appeared in Spielberg’s War Horse, had a cameo as F. Scott Fitzgerald in Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris and, as I said up top, was simply brilliant as Prince Hal/Henry V. He has won many awards for both film and TV, most remarkably gaining the Laurence Olivier award for Best Newcomer in a Play, for Cymbeline, going up against his own performance as Cassio in Othello.

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For a while afterwards, Tom just lays there, his fingers trailing patterns in the come on his stomach.

Eww, eww, and thrice eww!

Mr. Hiddleston has also been awarded Man of the Year at the Woman of the Year awards. Yeah, token, man - makes a nice change. He’s won the Total Film Awards gong for Hottest Actor of the Year and is rumoured to be a dead cert. for charting highly in the Sexiest Man of the Year awards. This may explain, but does in no way excuse this piece of tripe.

And that's not the right spelling for cum.

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Eventually he sits up and walks to the bathroom, where he cleans himself up and then studies his still-flushed face in the mirror.

Didn’t even settle down with a box of tissues? Amateur. Don’t ask me why the guy had a shower before doing this to himself. If you’re going to get hot and sticky, and indeed, covered in cum, (however pretty your finger paintings are), you’d do better to wait until after.

Moreover the guy never closed the curtains that we heard of, so let’s hope no-one was watching him as he milked the male udder.

Tom is in a relationship with a lady who is, I think, a chartered accountant or some such. Both his parents are still living, (though divorced), and he has two sisters, one older, a graphics designer and one younger, the Holby City, (BBC Medical Drama) actress Emma Hiddleston.

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He huffs out a little laugh, which is mere amusement at no one else seeing this.

No-one should ever have seen this. I’d hope that if Tom did, he’d just laugh himself silly, but it’s intrusive, cheap and, well, horrible. He’d certainly have the right to feel violated and hurt. At least Twiglet and Fifty Shades of Turd bothered to create original characters for their authors and audience to get off on. I’m even tempted, having found out the name of Tom’s agent, to send them the link, in the hope they’d at least get it taken down, if not downright hit this fan brat with a lawsuit. But not yet. I wanted to bring it here first. If this thing isn't WhyGodWhy, I'm damned if I know what is.

Tom Hiddleston is a person. A living, breathing, human being. He’s a movie star, but that doesn’t excuse this. He’s hot but that's no damned good reason either.

His reaction to winning the Total Film Hottest Actor award.

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“I am absolutely astonished. To any and everyone who voted for me: Thank you. To be nominated in such exalted company was honour high enough, but this really is the icing on the cake.

“I am so proud to have all your extraordinary support - it means the world. Actors can’t call themselves actors without an audience to watch them, and the idea that you’re all out there and believing in the work I do is a source of enormous pride.”

Yeah, I agree with that, I think RPF is creepy and inappropriate. But a lot of people write it, and write things that would downright scare me if I was the person in question (Raping Amanda Bynes, anyone?), so, like Sutremaine said, the "plot" here is pretty harmless (from the title, I expected more mutilation, to be honest >.>).

Something that strikes me as a little odd is that your response to his semen is "eww", yet you think it should be spelled "cum" (which is the "hardcore porn spelling", if you will). For what it's worth, I don't spell it "cum", either, and I sure as hell don't say "he cummed" which apparently some people on the internet do (usually the same people who'll write, "he thrusted". What's up with that?).

I suppose I may have over-reacted. Somehow I can take the Loki/Tom fics, the fangirl inserts, much better.

If, for example, the author had just had 'the actor' as a character with an author's note saying 'I soo just want this to be totally Tom Hiddleston', I could take it easier. Maybe it's taking something so personal and whoring it as a public wet dream I find offensive.

You know, it's funny. Thinking about it, I seem to be the reverse. I could deal with a fiction that has Hiddleston being raped by a horse just fine. It'd be so OOC I could just laugh at it. But masturbation is something he might - probably does - do. That's his prerogative and his own private life.

I guess I get squicked at someone writing that and putting it out there for anyone to read.