Saturday, February 11, 2017

I was sitting in my car waiting for E to get out of her class today when this mama and her 2 young daughters pulled up next to me. I had the windows rolled down, so I could hear them talking as they got out of their car. The oldest little girl hurried out with her supplies in tow while her little sister (maybe 4 years old) lingered. Their mama was a little exasperated, I could tell it had been one of those days. She was rushing the littlest girl out of the car. When the sweet little thing got out, she was smiling and cuddling her baby doll. The oldest little girl turned to her sister and in a very irritated tone said, "Where's your stuff?" The little sister's smile started to fade. Then the mama harshly said, "You mean you didn't bring your stuff?" She had a scowl and a very irritated look on her face as well. The youngest sister hugged her baby doll close and started to quietly cry. As I watched this scene, it took me back. That season of a lot of littles was tiring and exasperating and hurried. I don't mean as in "in a hurry" (although that was true too), but instead I'm referring to it went by so fast. There were days when I hurried everything along just to get to the end. I remember times I lost my temper because we were running late or someone forgot their soccer cleats or underwear (true story), or didn't want to stop playing and had a tantrum. I remember going to bed many nights feeling like I failed hard that day.Then one night, while rocking my 3rd baby, when she was a few months old; I made the conscious decision to be in the moment...the hard, the exhausted, the exasperated, the hurried, whatever it was...I wanted to savor it all. I'll be the first to admit that I am not a friendly person when someone wakes me in the middle of the night. In fact, once my kids figured this out; they would walk right past me to their ever so calm and patient daddy to help them get back to sleep. But this night, this sweet night; I remember looking at her sweet newborn face and thinking how grateful I was to have these treasured moments alone, even being exhausted out of my mind. Being the third, moments alone with her didn't happen often and were hard to come by. That night I realized that she too would soon be a toddler like her big brother and sister. From that night forward, I have made it a priority to find something every day to be grateful for. I get up daily and thank God for another wake up, and I give it my best effort to be in the moment. I still fail at this on a regular basis, but I am also very aware when I fail because of that decision I made that sweet night 16 years ago. When I'm failing, that decision helps me say, "I'm sorry I got upset with you. I'm sorry I lost my temper." That decision helps me tune in and really listen when I ask how their day was, and they actually say something besides "Fine." That decision helped me to slow down and let them play a little longer and give them grace when we showed up to dance class late with no tap shoes. That decision helped me to think before over reacting. That decision led me to walking with them instead of just walking beside them. As my children have grown and are growing, I still fail at being in the moment. I still fail at being grateful. I still fail as a mama, but I am acutely aware when I do. And because I learned to give them grace and look them in the eyes and tell them they are forgiven, they always do the same for me; and then we move forward and try again.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Life feels heavy and hard, and I've had a headache for three weeks. I can't decide if it's due to allergies, the crazy Texas weather, too much sugar, lack of sleep or worse. I saw my doctor this week, and thankfully all my tests seemed to have improved. However he did mention a few times that I have a vascular disease and how imperative it is that I stay on my medication, so the thought of another stroke is always in the back of my mind. UGH!! I begrudgingly agreed to try another medication for arthritis pain as well. I'm not a fan of medication and have tried to avoid it as much as possible, but the pain is winning....I'm becoming defeated by it which may be another cause of the lingering headache.
I know that stress plays a large part in the headaches and even the pain. Seasons of stress come and go, and I usually let it get the best of me when there are many heavy things happening; and right now...there are.
I'm out of place where I am, and I keep trying to force myself to fit. Sometimes I can maneuver and force my piece into the puzzle but more often than not, I just cannot make myself fit. When this happens, I look around and take note. I plead with God to guide me, give me peace where I am, to be gentle with others, to keep His light shining within me; and to be in the moment. But oftentimes I fail, but especially when life feels heavy and hard. Then comes the guilt of taking things for granted, of not being as grateful as I should when there are people all over the world suffering things that I cannot even imagine. The terrible things that are happening to people all over the world. The suffering that is going on in my own neighborhood. This is a paralyzing state for me, and I feel helpless. Why is my heart so heavy when my life is good?
Last night I lay awake in the middle of the night thinking about the world...the beautiful world that God created, the beautiful people that God created, my life and choice to be a christian. Then I think about the arguing and ugliness over things I cannot grasp. I don't understand the arguing, the name calling and disrespect when there are people dying of starvation, people being sold into sex trafficking, people suffering terrible terrible loss.
In this beautiful world, where we are suppose to love each other as Jesus loved us (or at least try to); why are we acting this way? Why aren't we embracing each other? Why can't I fit my piece into the puzzle? As I lay there with my face buried in my pillow sobbing, I realized maybe not fitting in is a good thing? Maybe I need to stop trying to force myself into a society I don't often understand? Maybe it's okay that I don't fit? Maybe it's okay if I don't have the answers in my head and heart? Maybe instead of being paralyzed by not solving it all, I should do what I've always done and just do something? One thing? A few things? That's what Jesus is for...He has all the answers. He always shows me the way if I take the time to listen. And then it came....peace!

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Happy 16th Birthday to Drew Michelle Payne aka Drewby Lou. My smack dab in the middle, quiet, brilliant, vegetarian, thrifty, organic, deep thinker. The girl, who declared herself, "a tomboy who likes to wear dresses" when she was 4. The girl, who use to sit out under our tree, with handpicked flowers thinking about how to make the world a better place. The girl, who loves sleep, and asked me after her first full week of kindergarten; "You mean I have to go back? I'm exhausted." The girl who stays true to herself and has one of the kindest hearts I know. My observant, shy child who doesn't like any attention...even when it is well deserved. You are the child, who taught me about being in the moment and loving the simple life. When you were five I asked you what extra curricular activity you wanted to do, and you looked down at me (from that tree you had just climbed) and replied; "I just wanna be a kid."You are a fantastic artist and a gifted writer. Hopefully someday you will share these beautiful gifts with others, because I promise you someone will benefit greatly from them. Being a teenager is hard, and you are doing it very thoughtfully and with integrity. Keep loving animals, music, nature, books, coffee, thrift stores, art, writing giving all the glory to GOD; and you will be a-okay! You're a world changer Drew Payne, and I adore you!

About Me

Why I Think Out Loud...

I started journaling several years ago when I realized that I couldn't possibly remember every milestone, cute phrase, wonderful expression, heart tugging word or life changing action that occurs within my own family. I had to face the fact that my brain has become fuller and fuller with each baby born and each day that passes; and now it's overloaded. I find myself having to write down everything from a daily "To Do" list to much more important things like the first time my son kissed me on the lips. I don't want to take anything for granted and chance that I might not remember. I journal in a notebook, in my own handwriting, with the intent and hope that someday my sweet buttercups will cherish having these journals in their mama's own handwriting. I started this blog, because there are some things that are meant to be shared and some things that I hope someone will read and enjoy. Maybe I can learn something from a reader or two as well.

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I am happy to say....

Jesus is my first love!

My children are beautiful, inside and out!

I'm as happy as I've ever been!

NPayne thinks I'm beautiful!

I LOVE vintage!

I live in America!

I let my children get dirty!

I thoroughly enjoy Bible Study!

I'm addicted to linens!

I enjoy watching football on TV!

I live in a house full of imagination!

I pray for world peace!

I support our troops and pray for them daily!

I am VERY sentimental!

My parents were married for 40 years!

I love thrift stores and flea markets!

My favorite room in my house is the nursery!

There are 4 princesses and one prince in my house which makes me a Queen!