Kenny Ball and his J*zzmen

It’s a well established political fact that Kenny Ball, from Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen, despises Nigel Winterburn with an intensity rarely seen in the jazz world. Both modern and acid. Knowing this, I contacted Kenny and in the course of our conversation he came up with this:

Winterburn always has a nap in the green room before he goes on telly to talk tripe. Kenny is going to knock one out in the nearest toilets to the green room aiming his efforts into some Tupperware. He might use some of that proper Tupperware that has a different coloured lid to show that it’s more longer lasting – and to be fair to the proper Tupperware it does seem to treat a sandwich nicer – or he might use some of that cheap stuff that you get if you have a takeaway curry. The type that shards come off if you try to get the lid off after it’s been in the freezer, always threatening a finger cut even though you know the mard get can’t. Those are Kenny’s two choices of semen receptacle.

Kenny’s undecided. That’s understandable.

When he knows Winterburn is napping he’s going to sneak into the green room with his Elm-Lea-for-men in his receptacle of choice and with one finger, dolloply smooth his outpourings on and in Winterburn’s eyebrows, being careful to smear out any chunks. He’s not going to put on so much that it curdles down Winterburn’s face thereby enhancing his complexion with vitamin E, but just enough that it’ll be dry when the bellend wakes up.

That way when Winterburn goes on telly he’ll inadvertently mess with his dried eyebrows and all the world, in HD, will think that he has chronic eyebrow dandruff.

Kenny says he will then rename his band Kenny Ball and his Jizzmen. Well, he would instigate a name change but he’s a bit not-breathie. That’s how much Kenny Ball is dedicated to the task of bellend recognition. He’s dead and he still hates Winterburn.

As an aside, Kenny also says that, even though he’s a socialist and a dialectical materialist and as a consequence doesn’t believe in such shite, McClair’s penalty passed him in heaven not long after he arrived in 2013. Duncan trapped it, flipped it up and back heeled it into a band member’s tuba.

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