Member

Here's the road map to getting the help you need. You mentioned that you have no income and you can't get therapy through this free clinic, correct?

I'm currently starting my 4th year of medical training (slow going), so I can direct you a bit. Helped a few old friends the same way, although they were just drug seekers, but it works the same.

The key to getting into the "system" (aka the medical indigent programs) is to get hospitalized, unfortunately that's the way most no income patients get the most help. Go to a local emergency room and tell them you are suicidal and homicidal. But you need to be specific, you need to tell them your exact plans of suicide and you need to tell them who you are having homicidal thoughts towards and what those are. Otherwise, they'll discount you as a "depressed patient" and refer you to another local free clinic. They need to see that you are an immediate danger to yourself and others. And since you are a no income patients they will have the local community services board come in and find you a bed in a local psychiatric unit. They may also have a policeman or sheriff drop you off there.

Once you are in the psychiatric unit you will be put on the medications they think you need (you can also bullshit them about anxiety and get easy Xanex/Ativan/Klonopin). This will also get your local community services board involved since you have no income and you'll be placed under a case manager. You'll probably be there about a week or two, on the ITP Unit (Intensive Treament Program), note that some people there are extremely weird so be prepared, you'll also have a roommate.

The gist is, once you get out you'll be under a case manager with your local community services board. You'll have access to therapy, psychiatry, help with finding a job, and crisis management (if you feel, or they feel you need another visit). This means your medication will probably be free or cost $1, your co-pay for the service will also be $1 for a patient with no income. So in the end you'll have you needed medication, access to a psychiatric, and therapy to address your problems. All you have to do is be hospitalized for a while, and on top of this they'll help you get social security disability if you want/need that.

yeah ive done this like literally 50 times in my life AT LEAST, medicine doesnt help me much, neither does therapy, neither does a case manager. i have had all these things at different points, it always amounts to me back at square 1, i try to live normally, break down, have to be put on different meds, back to square 1, this has been my experience so far

i dont want to be on disability that badly, meds dont help (im on 2 right now), therapy doesnt help

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everybody needs help with something and this is a pretty good place to get it most of the time. Take a look at the Amirox thread the other day. Gaffers lining to help someone they don't even know.

It sounds like things are more stable where you are so stay and remove all those other horrible people from your life. It sounds like you are just starting, but get some help and keep working. Things can get better!

Member

Member

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everybody needs help with something and this is a pretty good place to get it most of the time. Take a look at the Amirox thread the other day. Gaffers lining to help someone they don't even know.

It sounds like things are more stable where you are so stay and remove all those other horrible people from your life. It sounds like you are just starting, but get some help and keep working. Things can get better!

Member

If this is genuine, you should seek out professional counseling and therapy, because internet strangers aren't going to have the training to give you the help you need. There are likely groups/organizations in your area, and if you use the internet you should be able to find the closest ones. You should get off the internet and get the psychological help and networking that you need in real life, because online "help" is a pale substitute for the real thing. Your story is very tragic and you shouldn't suffer needlessly for it.

Banned

yeah ive done this like literally 50 times in my life AT LEAST, medicine doesnt help me much, neither does therapy, neither does a case manager. i have had all these things at different points, it always amounts to me back at square 1, i try to live normally, break down, have to be put on different meds, back to square 1, this has been my experience so far

i dont want to be on disability that badly, meds dont help (im on 2 right now), therapy doesnt help

Member

Remind yourself that billions of years ago a star exploded in the most grand and exquisite way possible, a supernova, sending atoms innumerable out into the darkness, and that those atoms through mutual attraction coalesced over hundreds of millions of years into our sun and planets, and those planets were torn and twisted and bruised and bombarded by the harshness of space for a billion years until at one moment some of those very same atoms from that very same star that sacrificed itself billions of years before coalesced again into something called life. That life endured, it adapted, over and over until the atoms that comprise you found a way to each other again in the most improbable of ways, and you were born.

Remind yourself that you exist at the end of an unbroken chain of successful lineage dating back 4 billion years.

Because you exist, because of the absolute improbability of you being you, you are special, and deserve to be loved.

Banned

How much therapy did you get in the mental hospitals? What's the longest you've been under weekly therapy?

Idealy... you'd live in a good environment, work, socialize, probably take some medication, and have weekly therapy for a year or two, most likely longer, from the same person and gradually get better and better and better.

Banned

yeah ive done this like literally 50 times in my life AT LEAST, medicine doesnt help me much, neither does therapy, neither does a case manager. i have had all these things at different points, it always amounts to me back at square 1, i try to live normally, break down, have to be put on different meds, back to square 1, this has been my experience so far

i dont want to be on disability that badly, meds dont help (im on 2 right now), therapy doesnt help

Well all disability will help with is income, but at least you'll have something coming in. And it's all too true that the vast majority of people with chronic mental illness is recurrent symptoms and it tends to get worse as you get older. If you've been to any psych unit, or taken tours like I have recently, you'll see that at least 60% of patients are on their 5th visits and upward.

But like I say you need to have access to a physician namely a psychiatrist who you can see regularly and be honest with. You know there's nothing wrong with trying different meds, have you been on any anti-psychotics? I'm not going to armchair diagnose but you may be having bipolar or even simply severe depression going on. None of which are helped or cured by posting on GAF, you're going to need to try to make the system work as imperfect as it is. Even if that means eating a few Xanax every couple hours to mellow you out, because it beats living in shit everyday.

So social security for some cash in your pocket, meds that you can at least give a valid shot at working, and maybe even some feel good RX too. That's the most I can really help posting on a message board.

How much therapy did you get in the mental hospitals? What's the longest you've been under weekly therapy?

Idealy... you'd live in a good environment, work, socialize, probably take some medication, and have weekly therapy for a year or two, most likely longer, from the same person and gradually get better and better and better.

Member

This may not help in the slightest but I find a good walk in the woods alone very therapeutic. Just grab a bottle of water and a sandwich, go out and explore. Listen to birds. Sit next to a stream. Get slightly lost and find your way back.

Member

It's hard for any of us here to give you advice on the subject but I'm sorry you went through all of that. I would use it as ammunition to drive me forward with no other goal than to show my piece of shit family that I'm doing well without their torment. Hatred is bad, but can be one hell of a motivator, but don't hate yourself for the selfishness of other people and the evil that exists. I had a roommate in the military that had really bad panic attacks among other things and they found a pill that worked well for him but I can't recall what it is.

You NEED someone to talk to for sure. Holding all of this in is just making things worse because we all need to vent sometimes. Whether it's a therapist or anyone for that matter, it helps to get things out instead of bottling it up. There are some great therapists out there who actually care about their patients so look up the highly reviewed doctors in your area if you need to.

As far as the pills causing organ issues, I'm with you there. Mine's for spinal cord damage and an autoimmune disease that takes things out one by one, but all the pills they put me on just gave me more problems to deal with so I understand your issues there. Hell, some of my pills are actually anti-depressants that had a side effect of numbing the nerves so they're giving them to me for that rather than what they're really intended for. I'm up to like 15 different pills and now have more problems with no solutions except less pain. They originally weren't even going to do my surgery on Friday due to all of the liabilities such as my heart which came from the pills they put me on for crying out loud. However, one or two pills that are FDA approved with few side effects are worth a shot. Finding a doctor that cares and will take you through each pill and test the side effects is the hardest part. My cousin had a chemical imbalance in her brain that randomly made her completely change and lose motor functions but they at least stopped the bad problems for her.

I'd recommend disability as well if nothing changes within a set time period you set for yourself. I'm 23 and can't come to the conclusion of getting disability at my age because I feel it's giving up, but deep down inside, I know it's the only option right now so at least think about it if nothing improves within a year or so. It's a tough thing to accept but sometimes it's the only thing to accept, but keep fighting and trying before coming to that conclusion. All the while, make sure to keep records from doctors, hospitals, homes, etc. so that you have evidence to help you get disability if you ever come to that. That's what I've been doing for a while now to build a case.

Just keep fighting man. Hope is something that's used a lot, but it really is important to keeping people going and fighting. Hope of a better future, better health, a family of your own. You can't give up before life really begins. No can imagine what you've been through, but we can support you in getting back on your feet and showing people they were wrong about you. I wish you the best.

hey, no worries man, i'm glad you decided to open up. even on the internet, that amount of detail takes a lot of courage. I was just wondering if you had hit some sort of "tipping point" so to speak, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Like others hear, I'll offer all the support I can. If you ever need to vent, feel free.

Member

Lighten up your mood regularly and almost forcefully as much as you can and not by watching MLP. Start jogging, find a new hobby, seek at least a little bit of positive experience from your everyday life. I know it may not seem proper for me to say any of this as I can hardly imagine what you've been through. But I know for sure there's no way things will get better unless you completely change your outlook. And unfortunately as I see it you hardly had any help from professionals throughout your life so probably you don't see it as an option anymore.

And don't feel ashamed that you started this thread. I see people here mostly doing it for pity, but you completely deserve support and understanding. Good luck.

I just wanted to make the point that it's half of therapy. Saying what you want to say.

The thing is we aren't really able to say things back that could help you long term. We haven't said similar things to people with similar issues and see them improve mentally.

Communication is pretty much the most important skill. You are who you are because of communication adn being communicated to, and you need to become who you want to become through communication.

Edit: This is also why you probably find real life friends not wanting to be around you. They don't know what to say and they don't know how to handle hearing what you need to say. Unlike professionals.

Member

Member

Man I don't even know how to respond to this, especially seeing how you're responding to advice. It seems as if you're unwilling to pursue new avenues of pulling yourself out of this; not all therapists are incompetent and it's likely that the ones you saw before were completely fine but your mother had manipulated you into believing otherwise. All I can really say, I guess, is that your life is worth living despite all of the horrible shit that you've been through and despite how badly you feel. You feel bad because something is wrong, feeling bad is your body and mind's way of telling you that you need to pay attention to what's happening and fix it.

It sounds to me like you're in a much better spot than you've ever been in -- what with living with your dad (mostly just being the fuck away from your mom). Take advantage of that. Seek out help that will remain untainted by your mother and you just may be surprised that you can live a life without feeling like total shit all the time. People around GAF can help you with venting but we can only do so much. I'm sure you're well aware of that, just don't give up man. You deserve to feel like you're good enough. For you, not for anyone else.

Member

Man I don't even know how to respond to this, especially seeing how you're responding to advice. It seems as if you're unwilling to pursue new avenues of pulling yourself out of this; not all therapists are incompetent and it's likely that the ones you saw before were completely fine but your mother had manipulated you into believing otherwise. All I can really say, I guess, is that your life is worth living despite all of the horrible shit that you've been through and despite how badly you feel. You feel bad because something is wrong, feeling bad is your body and mind's way of telling you that you need to pay attention to what's happening and fix it.

It sounds to me like you're in a much better spot than you've ever been in -- what with living with your dad (mostly just being the fuck away from your mom). Take advantage of that. Seek out help that will remain untainted by your mother and you just may be surprised that you can live a life without feeling like total shit all the time. People around GAF can help you with venting but we can only do so much. I'm sure you're well aware of that, just don't give up man. You deserve to feel like you're good enough. For you, not for anyone else.

Member

Just asking because I was wondering why you were calling yourself a sadist, which you clearly not. A sadist is someone who enjoyts inflicting pain... you don't seem to be such a person.
You are someone who got hurt a lot in life, which is really sad. You don't appear to be someone who hurts others.

Member

Stay away from your mother. If she even tries to contact you in any way ever, ignore it. She almost certainly still has some power over your mind and it just won't be good to associate with her.

Secondly, to respond to your suicidal thoughts I'm gonna tell you something I heard once:
"If you're going to kill yourself anyway, then you might as well go do whatever the fuck you want to and not care what anyone else thinks instead."

That right there is the only reason I'm alive today, so I thought I'd pass it along in case it helps somebody else out there. It's...a "different" bit of advice, but you're better off alive than nonexistent, whatever it takes.

Don't feel bad, I think that particular thought process is an after-effect from being raped as a child, a traumatic experience like that can mess up your psyche when you get older. For instance I knew a girl who was raped then started cutting herself, became very promiscuous(unprotected sex) and let her grades slip. But after getting help then she stopped cutting herself, graduated college and now she's engaged.

My advice to you to start getting better is to just get your emotions/feelings out, don't keep it all bottled up inside because it will eat you alive. If you don't have anyone to talk to(friend,family,therapist) just write it down or type it out on your computer(like you did this thread), it'll make you feel better just to get it off your chest.

Member

Stay away from your mother. If she even tries to contact you in any way ever, ignore it. She almost certainly still has some power over your mind and it just won't be good to associate with her.

Secondly, to respond to your suicidal thoughts I'm gonna tell you something I heard once:
"If you're going to kill yourself anyway, then you might as well go do whatever the fuck you want to and not care what anyone else thinks instead."

That right there is the only reason I'm alive today, so I thought I'd pass it along in case it helps somebody else out there. It's...a "different" bit of advice, but you're better off alive than nonexistent, whatever it takes.

Member

wait, the premise of your thread is "how do I not hate myself?" and the only reasonable responses are positive actions/attitude, yet you say you do not want to hear any of those suggestions/pursue those avenues. so why make the thread?

you need to be willing to take a first step rather than just shoot down everyone's ideas. what are you able to commit to?"

Member

That's rough. But perhaps doing what you want to and taking steps toward being happy is the only way for you to stave off the anxiety attacks. I'm no doctor/psychologist though; I'm just hoping the best for ya. Good luck, man.