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Hangin’ In There

My Sweetheart has had some very rough days with his chemo and its complications. We’ve spent far too much time in Emergency Rooms at 2 a.m. and whole days get devoured at treatment centers.

The truth is: We were both just plain pooped out and frazzled! We really needed a “long winter’s nap” with a little extra dash of hope & seasonal joy. We needed to burrow into our snug little cave and cuddle up and just let the world take care of itself for a while. We needed to remember…

I know, I know. Seems I have to remind myself of this magnificent truth over and over again. But I’m starting to get it and this little break really helped cement the wisdom of it for me.

Tis the season, after all, and it’s all about the fa-la-la and the “be merry” cuz it’s “the most wonderful time of the year” messaging being pumped full-force into the stores and the media…but, frankly, I was just not feelin’ it. I was just not feelin’ like glitzing it all up, sprinkling glitter on it, and wrapping it up with a big red satin bow.

Life is hard. Times are lean. People are sick and dying and being wounded by hate and violence all over the world. Dear friends have lost loved ones, others are facing health issues of their own, a few have lost jobs or been forced to cinch in already very tight budgets.

I’ve just barely been able to

and I think it’s kind of rude to tell someone who’s clinging to the slenderest strand of hope in the face of sadness or despair to just

Sometimes you just have to let go. To cry and wail and wallow in the grief and pain. Sometimes you just need to blurt out to the kind-hearted folks who offer you that cheery advice that you’re losing your grip, slipping off the radar, and going under. You need to NOT put a pretty face on it. NOT “get over it” or wait for the rainbow that’s ‘spozed to be just around the corner when all things are conspiring to rain on your parade.

Sometimes “hanging in there” is just not possible. We live in a “buck up, walk it off, shake it out” culture. We feel such guilt and shame when we need help, when we need space, when we need to NOT plaster a brave face on our broken heart.

Sometimes, despite all the well intentioned advice, we need to shout to the world…

and claim it for ourselves–even when other people expect cheery blog posts or lovely classes or the always happy-go-lucky Suzy Sunshine to bounce back.

So, maybe you’ve noticed, I’ve been

I needed to close myself down for a little bit. To go quiet and let myself FEEL all the sadness and anxiety and uncertainty and pain of this last year. To try to process the sudden critical illness of my Mom and the helplessness I felt not being able to help her out somehow. To step off the whirling carousel and sit on the park bench for a while.

I had to make the dark, perilous journey inward and redefine myself. I had to disentangle myself from too many responsibilities and too little relief. I had to just sit out in the garden and NOT feel compelled to weed it. I had to remind myself that life is a “one day at a time” adventure and not a long-term terminal prognosis. I had to remember that I was human and flawed and tired and scared. I had to wake each day and make this vow…

and, especially when things skidded terribly out of control, to remember

That’s the best I can do for now.

I’m hangin’ in there, thank you.

So here’s the update:

My Mom, after a long, horrible hospital stay, is going back home (with my dear sister Kim’s loving help) for her final days. Albert continues to devote himself to the brave practice of trying to live each day with joy and purpose amid his pain and the uncertainty of his future. I am slowly recovering from some health setbacks of my own.

My friends have been a rock: bringing food, taking me to plays, sharing their love with Albert, and patiently understanding my silence.

I am gradually re-emerging from my brief hiatus. There are some new class offerings for the remainder of December and lots of very cool stuff planned for the New Year. The tree is up and the house is radiant with good cheer. I am feeling much less wiped out & my tank is slowly re-filling with hope and dreams and GRATITUDE. Gratitude.

You are all a part of my blessings–my tribe–my beautiful band of merry pranksters, fabulous creative beings, and sassy, soulful sisters.

Thanks for hangin’ in there with me!

Now sign up for some classes and come play at the Cottage so we can brave forward together–sharing our love and laughter and creative power together.

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8 comments on “Hangin’ In There”

Sweet KT and Albert, thanks for the update. Sending you both love, hugs and mental chicken soup. Kitties and I got tree up and are listening to a lot of holiday music. Wish you could be here for a glass of wine or some eggnog! One last concert to sing on Sunday. Have a very Merry Christmas!! Love, Annie p.s. to Albert… Just finished Where the Crawdads Sing. Could not put it down. Thank you. Try Educated. Almost as riveting and true.