Putting a Humorous Twist on the Mundane

Fifty Shades Freed (Chapters 1-7)

The story begins with Ana and Mr. Grey on the final leg of their honeymoon.

Honeymoon? Holy crap! What? No wedding? No pantiless bride in an overpriced, designer wedding gown? No sex in a hidden corner of the banquet hall, in between dances? Serious pouty face. 🙁

Turn page.

Ooh! A flash back! That works.

It’s just after Mr. Grey proposed in the boat house that had been decorated with tons of flowers for this special occasion.

They had sex.

He wants to to marry her in Vegas the next day. (Cheap bastard!)

She wants a real wedding with family and friends.

They set a wedding date for one month. Quick engagement.

Back to the present day

They are hanging out on a beach in the South of France. Ana wants to know how Mr. Grey would feel if she went topless on the nude beach they are at. He doesn’t like the thought of that. (Then why take her to a nude beach??)

Ana falls asleep but wakes up later to the sound of her husband ordering her a diet Coke in French. As the waitress leaves, Ana observes that the waitress’s pony tail is swinging provocatively.

How exactly does a pony tail swing provocatively?

Mr. Grey forces Ana into the water to wake her up. She’s mildly irritated by this maneuver so, in revenge, she takes off her top when she gets back to the shore, lays down on her front and falls asleep.

Flashback – Wedding Day

Ana expresses concern to Kate that Mr. Grey might leave her.

FOR THE LOVE OF SCRAMBLED EGGS! (Yes – I meant to write that) HE’S NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU!

Later, Mr. Grey surprises Ana with a honeymoon itinerary that includes England and France. While on his private jet, Mr. Grey and Ana join the mile high club.

Turn page. Turn page.

Back to the present

Ana startles awake because Mr. Grey is yelling at her for being topless. She realizes that during her nap she rolled onto her back leaving her front exposed. We wouldn’t want the paparazzi taking naughty photos now would we?

Chapter 2

The fight over Ana being nude continues. Then they go back to the boat.

Another Flashback

Ana and Mr. Grey discuss a prenup at the urging of his parents. Ana is more than willing to sign a prenup but Mr. Grey refuses to even consider it because if she ever left him she might as well take everything. Then he recalls their brief breakup. IT WAS THREE DAYS!!!

Back to the present

Ana’s having a hard time accepting the fact that she’s rich. Poor thing. I really feel for her.

They go to the bedroom and he whips out a pair of handcuffs.

They discuss safe words. She picks Popsicle for her safe word.

Why so complicated? Why not just say “Stop” or “Ouch”?

Oops. “Stop” was ruled out earlier

Anyway. They have rough sex. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Ana wakes up to use the restroom.

Chapter 3

Mr. Grey gave her hickies. What is he, a teenager?

Welts are also present on her wrists and ankles from where she was restrained. She gets pissed at Mr. Grey for marking her and hurls her hair brush at him.

Seriously? He’s spanked her and restrained her and stuck silver balls up her cooch and this pisses her off?

Alas, they make up, have a romantic dinner on board their love boat and dance on the deck. It’s so sweet I want to puke.

The next morning she wakes up alone. I hate it when that happens.

She finds Mr. Grey shaving and then they reminisce about the time she shaved her pubic hairs.

Flashback

Mr. Grey and Ana are knee deep in foreplay when he is surprised to learn that she has shaved her pubic hairs. Apparently, she didn’t do it right, so he decides he’s going to fix it for her.

Back to the Present.

Why is Ana’s subconscious reading Charles Dickens? Never mind. I don’t think I want to know.

Ana decides to shave Mr. Grey. Oh good. Now they are even.

Later they go sightseeing and out shopping in a small French town.

Then, Mr. Grey tells Ana that he enjoys braiding her hair because his crack-whore mother let him braid her hair. Joyful topic to discuss on a honeymoon.

As Ana rubs her sore wrists she comments that her husband can be very romantic. (How? Did he get the handcuffs engraved?)

While they were in London he bought her a very expensive watch. (Watch. Handcuffs. Whatever.)

Feeling guilty that Ana’s wrists are all marked up from last night’s festivities, Mr. Grey also purchases for her a platinum bracelet.

Turn page. Turn page.

Mr. Grey is notified that there was a fire at the Grey House. This makes Ana remember the incident with his helicopter. Is it bad luck or just a coincidence? Hmmm.

Chapter 4

Ana decides that she is going to go shopping and also that she’s going to drive the jet ski to shore. This doesn’t sit well with Taylor so Ana tells Mr. Grey that she’s going shopping and will take security with her. But she leaves out the one little detail that she’s going to drive the jet ski. She also doesn’t mention to Taylor that she never told Mr. Grey about her intentions with the jet ski.

When they arrive at the gate, Taylor tells her about the phone call he received from Mr. Grey, pissed that Ana took the jet ski. Oops.

Now she feels bad that she upset her husband, especially since he’s already stressed out about the fire.

Way to go!

As Ana is shopping she ponders whether or not she’ll get used to being wealthy. I wish I had her problems.

Turn Page.

She buys a camera for Mr. Grey so he can take dirty pictures of her.

This makes Mr. Grey feel bad because the only time he’s ever taken dirty pictures of women was when he was objectifying them and also to save those pictures for a rainy day – in case any of those women tried to expose him.

During their discussion, she realizes that something else is bothering him. He won’t tell her what is bothering him so she begins taking pictures of him.

They laugh. He tenses up.

She begs him to talk to her. (He’s a guy. He doesn’t know how to do that.)

Then he jumps her. (He’s a guy. He knows how to do that.)

He tickles her. She begs him to stop.

They have sex.

Then she asks him again, what’s wrong? She might as well ask him how he’s feeling.

Then she repeats her wedding vows to him to encourage him to talk to her.

He repeats his wedding vows to her. Okay, so he’s talking at least. Finally he tells her, the fire at the Grey house was arson.

Turn page. Turn page.

They have dinner.

She talks to Kate via Skype.

Turn page. Turn page.

She has a nightmare.

Chapter 5

She wakes up and she and Mr. Grey talk. She thinks about the honeymoon and how “blissful” it was with “a few ups and downs.”

Turn page. Turn page.

They go for a ride on the jet ski with Ana driving. An airplane zooms overhead, startling Ana and both she and Mr. Grey go for an impromptu swim when she mistakes the throttle for the brake.

They go back to the ship for a shower and then they are on their way back to the States.

Turn page. Turn page.

They are lounging around at Heathrow.

Turn page. Turn page.

They’re back in Seattle. Mr. Grey carries Ana over the threshold.

They have champagne.

They have sex.

They go to sleep.

Turn page. Turn page.

They’re going to his parents house for brunch the next morning.

Turn page. Turn page.

They leave. The security team is following in the car behind them. Mr. Grey allows Ana to drive.

While en route, Mr. Grey receives a phone call from his security team advising that he and Ana are being followed. Ana makes it to the freeway and floors the gas.

High speed car chase! High speed car chase!

They get off the freeway and duck into a parking lot. The mystery car doesn’t see them and passes right by with Mr. Grey’s security team in hot pursuit.

Ana and Mr. Grey need to release some tension. They have sex. After that they return to the apartment.

Ana requests rough sex from Mr. Grey. He tells her he can arrange for that.

Chapter 6

They continue to discuss her request for rough sex.

Foreplay begins (I’d rather find out about the mystery car)

Turn page. Turn page.

More foreplay.

Oh boy! Here comes the butt plug!

and then sex.

Turn page. Turn page.

Mr. Grey is reviewing footage taken from a security camera in relation to the mystery car. There is a strange man on the screen. Ana takes a closer look and recognizes the man to be none other than Mr. Jack Hyde.

Chapter 7

Mr. Grey has his security team track all of Jack’s movements.

Ana makes Mr. Grey a sandwich.

Turn page. Turn page.

Later that evening they make out in front of the television.

Then they have sex. Are you shocked? I am.

Turn page.

Ana’s first day back at work.

While at work she and Mr. Grey (the new owner of SIP) have an argument in her office because she refuses to take his name. Then he tells her that he’s renaming SIP to Grey Publishing and is going to give the company to her to run.

She freaks out. He leaves to her work and she spends the day stewing over the fact that he fought with her at work about her last name.

When he picks her up at work, she expresses her discontent to him. They continue fighting when they arrive back home.