"now that I have some time to think…"

Month: November 2018

It was one year ago today that I was sitting in my doctor’s office and he said to me, “I think you should give up alcohol–entirely.” I’m sure it was the stricken and horrified expression on my face that forced him to add, “…for at least two weeks, until you can come back for a re-check.”

I had come in because I was having repeated bouts with atrial fibrillation, and while I had realized some time before that alcohol could be a trigger for a-fib, I had refused to admit that it might be the trigger.

I told him, “I really don’t know if I can.”

I did not and do not consider myself to be an alcoholic, but I certainly had become alcohol dependent. All I could think about, sitting with my doctor, was how much my life would have to change if I gave up my nightly “beer time.” But suddenly, I had a very concrete reason to abstain. Suddenly, it seemed like I was besieged by commercials promoting a-fib medication that reminded me that “a-fib is the leading cause of heart attack and stroke in men over 65.” Since I was two months away from turning 65, I felt like the ads were mocking me–rubbing salt in the wounds.

I made it through two weeks and sure enough, my heart seemed to be settling down. Two weeks became six and on December 20, 2017 I wrote a piece called Trying Out Sobriety reflecting on what I had learned after six weeks of abstinence. Today, makes it fifty-two weeks since I gave up alcohol.

Last Monday, I was meeting with my addiction medicine therapist, a woman who has been an invaluable source of care, insight, and support throughout this process. She asked how I intended to celebrate one year of sobriety. I told her that I didn’t plan to do anything. Making a big deal about sticking it out for one year sounds like something an addict would do. “Celebrating” makes me think about rewarding myself with a 22-ounce Double-IPA, thank you very much. So, no celebrations don’t seemed called for. I did tell her I felt I needed to write about it. That means if you are reading this, you are celebrating with me, and thank you for coming (cue fireworks!).

I don’t want to recount everything I wrote about last December. You can read about that here. However, one constant has been my therapist’s admonition that I needed to shift the focus of my thinking to concentrating not on what I had lost or given up, but rather on what I had gained.

Some gains I have made are quantifiable, but we need to do the math. Let’s say that I used to drink 300 out of 365 days per year. That would mean I took roughly 65 days off per year due to illness, guilt, or hangover recovery. On the days I drank, I drank between 2 and 4 beers, so let’s call it an average of 3 beers a day. That means I consumed about 900 beers per year. At roughly 150 calories per beer, I can approximate that I saved 135,000 calories over the course of the year. Now, if I had eaten a lean diet and not replaced some of those calories by indulging in pastries and chocolates of all kinds, I’d probably be down to 75 pounds. However, I have lost a solid 10-12 pounds and the ever-growing beer gut has vanished.

I never used to keep track of how much I was spending on beer between the six-packs I’d drink at home and the tabs I would pay at a bar. I really didn’t want to know. However, if a beer from a 6 pack ran 2-3 dollars and from a bar was 6-8 dollars, let’s just guess that my average cost per beer ended up being $4. That means I saved $3,600 over the past year.

Best of all, I feel healthier and happier than anytime I can remember. Yes, I’ve struggled through some depressive periods over the past 12 months, but I revel in the changes I have made in my life.

I go to bed every night knowing that I will not wake up with a hangover and the guilt that would come with it. I can almost always remember exactly what I said and did the night before, something that increasingly would elude me on drinking nights. I feel stronger as I’ve pushed myself into more challenging hikes around the county and trying to be on the trail two to three days a week. I practice yoga and meditation 5-6 days a week and marvel at how the importance of that practice has grown for me over time. There seems to be a part of my brain that was always thinking about drinking that gets to rest and dedicate itself to other things.

Do I miss it? Yes–every day. I still feel jealous when I’m surrounded by drinkers at a bar or a restaurant, and I’m making may way through another bottle of Pellegrino.

Back when I wrote the initial article, I was already hedging–assuming I would cheat occasionally. What could it hurt, right? But, it’s just been easier to stick to my new habit and continue to build on the gains I have made as a person. Nothing about alcohol ever helped me be stronger, smarter, or kinder. I think I’ve made some strides in those areas. I don’t want to give them up now.

Before I sat down to write this I pulled on a pair of sweatpants. Backwards.

I could just stop there, but there’s more. Anyone can make a simple mistake. Recently I have been on a quest for more thoughtful and sophisticated ways to screw up–like two months back when I was doing the bills, and following my system, I wrote down the amounts for all of the bills I pay on-line carefully in my checkbook. Somehow though, I never made it over to the computer to actually get into the “bill pay” page and get the payments sent out. I sussed it all out when “past due” notices began to sprout from my mailbox like an unwelcome weed infestation. There are also some months where I pay all my bills twice. It just helps to round things out.

I know what you are thinking. He’s losing it. Dementia.

Normally, I’d go straight for that diagnosis also. That and brain tumor are my go-to thoughts if I get anything worse than a hangnail.

But at the time all of this happened, I was struggling with chronic dizziness (probably a brain tumor, right?). It isn’t incapacitating, but I can feel kind of “foggy” at times. It’s one reason I haven’t been writing of late. I first went to see my doctor about it in April, but I’d been having problems for at least a month before. It’s not the first time I’ve had this issue, but it was being so persistent that I decided to get my doctor involved.

That started a marathon round of appointments. He checked me over and sent me to a head and neck specialist and recommended I see a vestibular physical therapist (yeah, who knew there was such a thing).

The head and neck specialist did a couple of tests and deemed that whatever was causing it was probably cardiovascular or neurological. The physical therapist spent two sessions making me do a series of bizarre exercises trying to make me dizzy (or more dizzy than I was at the moment) and failed miserably. Shrug.

Went back to my primary care doctor who thought I should go see a head and neck specialist (wait, didn’t I already do that?). I ended up seeing exactly the same woman, who did exactly the same test, and came to exactly the same conclusions. I decided to check in with my neurologist. He suggested I go to the head and neck department.

I sought help from my acupuncturist who concluded there were clouds of smoke in my brain and that I needed to stay away from television, politics, basically, the world.

My local health provider held a small ceremony for me where I was given a certificate of achievement for my tenacity in unsuccessfully trying to find the cause of the problem. There was cake and everything (I’m making that part up).

Finally, I decided to quit listening to everyone and pulled down the box where I keep my daily meds and started looking at everything I was taking to see if there was anything I could eliminate, anything that might be the culprit.

Most of my meds are “old dude” regulars for blood pressure, cholesterol, and a couple more exotic ones. I take some Chinese herbs from my acupuncturist also, you know, for the whole “smoke in the brain” thing.

Oh, and I’d been taking Melatonin. When I stopped drinking nearly a year ago, I had trouble sleeping though the night. I was waking up more and more often at odd hours and finding it impossible to get back to sleep. Two in the morning is just not a fun time to find yourself awake and yet still groggy and exhausted.

When Mary suggested Melatonin, I thought, sure! It’s over-the-counter and therefore “safe”. It worked great! Magic! Later, when she mentioned that maybe I wasn’t supposed to take it continuously, I dismissed the suggestion. Pssssh. After all, I bought it at Sprouts. It was doing exactly what I wanted it to do. I didn’t even read the label until the day I began to examine all my meds.

Yes, the label that stated “If any adverse reactions occur, immediately stop using this product and consult a doctor” and “Limit use to two months with a break of one week.” I was checking out this information, written clearly on the bottle, after taking it every night for, oh, ten months straight.

It gets worse. I googled Melatonin and looked up possible drug interactions. Under “serious interactions” I found one of my daily medications. Possible side effects–dizziness. And the timeline fit. The dizziness had begun shortly after I started taking it. I just never made the connection.

MOTHERFORKING MORON!

So I quit taking it right away and the dizziness did not go away immediately, but at least the insomnia returned. It actually took three weeks before I was symptom free.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t do any permanent brain damage or anything although, you never know. I enjoyed 4-5 weeks of mental clarity without the low-grade sense that my brain was slowly rocking or spinning occasionally. I was quite proud of myself for chasing down my own stupidity.

And then the dizziness came back (“heavy sigh”). What are you gonna do? I’m just going to enjoy the ride for now. I’ll go through the pill box and see if I’ve got something else I can toss out. Maybe I can put my yard blower up against one ear and see if I can blow out some of that smoke on my brain.