Luke 8:54

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Monday, January 19, 2015

Silly Scribbles/ How I was First Introduced

Spiritual Lessons/ Health and Beauty

Silly
Scribbles

~
Or Life as Toni ~

Just recently I started a little series of
writings that I titled “Silly Scribbles” or “Life as
Toni”. I began posting them on a private writing club that I joined. I received such positive feedback I decided to be be brave and share with my Maid Arise readers.

So often the writer in me throbs and insists, but my
current work in progress is strictly grammatical at this point and my
creative juices feel cramped and unjustly squelched. So I have
decided to allow these juices passage and wait to see what comes of
it. I decided to share my experiences with you. Sometimes my life
can be quite humorous to the point of disbelief which I have come to
accept as normal.... or sometimes I learn new things about myself or
little lessons God teaches through the inevitable we've fondly
labeled “life”. I hope that these shared stories and bearings of
the soul are somehow a blessing, or in the least, a few minutes of
entertainment.

How I was First Introduced

Pain. My gut actually burned and I
would sit rocking back and forth. Nothing comforted or relieved me.
My bowels would contract and pain swelled as I would try to hold back
hot tears. The natural instinct to need mommy's soothing hand
overwhelmed me and my heart whimpered. I crawled into my bed and
lay in the fetal position trying to pray. Temporary
nothingness....but there it was again – searing wringing of my
stomach. If I could vomit I would but nothing came.

I took this memory with me as I
justified visiting a doctor. I had called after a month of
experiencing this pain every time I ate. I was afraid to eat. Food
became an object of fear and I had quickly learned that there were
literally five food items that I could dare to put to my lips and not
desperately regret it later.

She had sounded so confident on the
phone. In fact I was hoping that maybe she would talk me out of
visiting and prescribe some magical herb. But instead the naturalist
said it sounded like a digestive issue and booked me for a visit as
soon as she could fit me in.

I walked the block and a half to the
doctors alone. My brother and friend had dropped me off.
Intuitively I knew my life was transitioning and it made me feel
nervous...if not even melancholy. The building was huge with brick
steps leading to the glass doors. Exude confidence. This was always
my fall back for whenever I found myself insecure. The less I knew
the more I would try to appear at ease. It has pulled me through
many scrapes and awkward situations.

Her office smelled like dried herbs and
fresh dirt. Little bells clinked against the door. The confident
voice I had head over the phone now greeted me warmly. This strong
German voice belonged to a gray haired woman not much taller than me.
I was surprised. At first glance in any other circumstance I would
have thought her to be a quiet reserved older woman. But this lady
was full of vibrance, health and confidence that seemed to flow
through her and resonate through her eyes.

How observant the soul is when it is
hurt. Becoming sick has awakened an introverted side to my
personality that was previously unfamiliar and unused. Socially it
is an inconvenience, but becoming sick has created a sensitivity that
has shown me a whole new world. Details become bold and clear and
appreciated. Individuals stand out. Noise and harsh conditions
raise in decibel. Pain and illness are easily recognized in others
and empathy becomes natural. Becoming sick has not necessarily made
me a new person, but introduced me to a different part of who I
already am but never knew.

After a lengthy discussion this lady
asked if she might feel my stomach. I lay on a wide cushioned bench
as this stranger lifted my shirt and intruded upon my wounded
stomach. How odd to have cold strange hands press and search. That
is when she felt the “mass”. Concern etched her face. She asked
me to sit and wait while she consulted a friend and fellow physician.

She left the room and the clay wolf on
the table stared back at me. The row of titles on the shelf above
her vacant chair would normally intrigue the book worm in me; but
time passed and I sat.

Quietly she entered the room. No dread
came with her, but still concern creased her forehead.

“I have talked with Doctor M. and we
both strongly feel you should have an ultra sound immediately.”

At my surprise, she explained, “I do
not feel comfortable diagnosing you with a digestive disorder until
we rule out the possibility that this 'mass' is not a tumor or
lymphoma.”

Lymphoma. I had heard of this...wasn't
it a cancer? My Hutto genes kicked in. Ever since I was a little
girl I had learned from my fathers example that every little trial in
life is something to be agonized and agitated over, but every crisis
is to be taken in stride. It is out of your control so you might as
well bear up with a smile and take whatever it serves you.

I thanked her, took my bill and tried
to remember her directions to the next doctor. I left the herbs and
dirt aroma and the door clinked at my departure. The walk back to
where my brother and friend would meet me seemed to take much longer.
It was raining. People walked and talked and shopped. For them
their life continued. Normal. When was the last time I had lived a
day normally?

The boys greeted me. I smiled back and
listened to them tell me their adventures. Chris finally looked at
me. “So....how'd it go?”

“I have to go to another doctor...”

“Oh?” The boys could sense
something was up.

“I need to find this other
doctor....I need to have an ultra sound...I might have lymphoma.”

The boys became serious but didn't say
much. We hurried to the car. I called Dad and Mom. Dad answered.
He was quiet and sighed. I told him I loved him and was sorry for
being his child that always gave him gray hair. Why me? I was the
child that rolled the car when I first got my permit. I was the
child that had to fall off her horse and break her coller bone. Now
I was the child calling home saying I might have lymphoma. He told
me he loved me and told me to call back.

We drove to the Hospital and parked.
That's when I lost it. I started laughing hysterically. Chris and
Jonah just watched me for a moment. I don't know that they found
much humor in the situation. Laughing at awkward moments can again
be attributed to my genes...but from mom this time.

Walking into that building it was
confirmed in my heart that my life was changing. But I wasn't
afraid. Wasn't I God's child? Whatever He wanted and thought best,
I wanted and thought best. Before I entered the professional glass
door etched with the doctors name, Jonah stopped me.

“Let's pray”.

Chris started. He spoke with calmness
that soothed my heart. “Your will be done....we hope it isn't
serious, but if it is I know Toni wants Your will more.”

Did I? It made me stop and consider.
I knew I did.

I prayed next. “Lord Jesus, I give
you myself....not just spiritually, but I give you myself physically
and allow you full reign to do what you will with me....”

As I followed the nurse I didn't look
back. I didn't want the boys to see that I was suddenly nervous.
Jonah promised to call his family to pray.

Paperwork, questions, weighing myself,
blood work. My Hutto genes were wavering. Fear was haunting me.
The nurse commented how brave I was. Was I? The fact she mentioned
it made me wonder if maybe my situation was more serious that I was
taking it. She asked who waited for me in the waiting room. My
heart swelled with thankfulness. Suddenly my brother and friend
meant the world to me. Illness even gave new awareness to my
relationships. I suddenly realized how blessed I was. How good it
was to have people who loved me. Lymphoma suddenly didn't seem that
big a deal. I trusted my God. And my friends and family loved me.
Lymphoma couldn't change that. I embraced this illness that made me
so dependent and thankful. As I sat in that sterile little hospital
room I knew I now had officially been introduced to my new life
companion...and I wasn't afraid.

5 comments:

Beautiful story Toni! What a testimony of faith in the midst of a fear inducing moment! And I believe that is what it means to actually trust God!! Anyone can trust when all is going our way, but to truly have faith means to hang onto God and draw strength from Him when we are in the dark! Thank you for sharing and may God make Himself ever more real as you move through the days ahead!

Wow...what a story. I will be praying for you. This morning on the radio I heard Madissa'so song "Stronger" and it brought back memories of one of the most difficult times in my life. Your testimony made me think of how God uses the trials of our life to make us stronger. I am stronger. Be encouraged!

Wow...what a story. I will be praying for you. This morning on the radio I heard Madissa'so song "Stronger" and it brought back memories of one of the most difficult times in my life. Your testimony made me think of how God uses the trials of our life to make us stronger. I am stronger. Be encouraged!