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Searching for 5

One of my favorite pastimes is chatting with women about their dating woes and triumphs. I find women’s ideas of dating fascinating, illuminating, and sometimes nonsensical at once.

I was sharing with a friend the 5 things I’m looking for in a woman, and after listing them, she told me that a man need only have three things going for him:

Employment

A car

Relatively nice attitude

Her list is very sad and informative. Hopefully, I don’t have to explain her list. I think it speaks for itself. We can discuss it if you’d like, though. Anyhow, I think those three things are far more common than she is letting on. As for me, I’m looking for 5–count’em 5–attributes in a woman. One would think these five things would be easy enough to find, but I feel like I may as well be searching for a penguin in Death Valley.

Part of the problem (if we wanna call it that) is that I refuse to lower my standards. I could surely find a woman to marry me. I could find casual sex or just about anything in between, but I would have to settle to make those things happen, and to be honest, I’m just not desperate or lonely enough for that. In fact, I’m quite happy, and I don’t want to waste this inner joy (corny-sounding I know) on just any trout-moufded (yeah I said it!) woman just because she has a vagina that she’s willing to share. Take it how you want, but vaginas are a dime a dozen–literally. If you have a dime you can “purchase” a dozen vaginas–the woman is sold separately.

Anyhow, my list, in no particular order, is as follows:

A good sense of humor–this should be self-explanatory. I love to laugh, and so if you’re not happy enough to laugh with me, we will never work.

Availability–I’ve got this bad habit of always being attracted and attracting someone else’s woman. I don’t know what vibe I’m giving off, but I really need to identify the problem and correct it. Anyhow, I need the woman to be available with regard to her relationship status, emotional status, and distance wise as well.

A good heart–this might seem common, but I shit you not when I tell you that most women do not have a good heart. This may be due to past relationships, but whatever the cause, I don’t need a mean or bitter woman around me.

Intelligence–I am simply not trying to spend my time with an ignorant person. That’s just that. Don’t say “conversate” to me.

Let’s break things down a bit. 98% of all women have at least one of these five items. That percentage drops to 67% when requiring women to have two of five items. Guess how much the drop is for women with three items–15%! I’ve done the research here, so just accept this gospel. I’d date a woman with three of these items right now with no questions asked. If I could find one of the 2.5% of Earth’s women who have four of five of these items, I’d try to marry her every chance I had to see her or talk to her. There are only 6 women in the world with all five items, and I would sign up for a vasectomy just to be in their presence.

…And, when I view things in the truth of this light, I understand completely why I’m single! lol

My “must haves” are:
1. Intelligence (a must)- we have to be able to conversate ( j/k lol)
2. Stability – he needs to have his own and be able to take care of himself
3. Responsible- got to take care of your own business, at least when we’re dating
4. Sense of humor- I can be silly, so he has to know how to join in sometimes
5. Expressive- There is nothing like a man who knows how to express his emotions.

10. Vagina!
9. She needs to have blonde hair…or red, or brunette…Really, she doesn’t even NEED hair!!
8. You’re gonna need some of this (holds up a cooking pan) and some of this (holds up some PAM); now get to work!!
7. (not funny)
6. Wait, why was #10 “Vagina”?
5. I need a girl who can eat a foot-long hot dog without her teeth, and then smile afterwards
4. (not funny)
3. I want a girl whose favorite form of birth control, is to swallow!
2. (not funny)
1. I need a girl whose on the pill, the patch, or has a spermicidal vagina