Family feud: Clashing over coronavirus is the new source of household tension, fighting

Maria PuenteUSA TODAY

Friday

Apr 10, 2020 at 11:14 AM

Remember those good old days when the main source of tension in your household might have been politics? Forget that. Now it's all about coronavirus.

Just what we need: A new source of family division as we clash over how to properly respond to a killer pandemic when millions of American families are shut in for maybe months and already getting on each other's nerves.

Your spouse thinks it's safe to eat with friends on the patio; you think it should be home-cooked meals with family only. But the kids want to go to the lake house and get takeout every day. You drop off groceries for the grandparents, while they keep going to Costco just because they're bored. And they're pressing to see the kids, never mind social distancing.

By now, you may be fighting over who gets to walk the dog just so you can get the heck out of Dodge.

Brandi Cypher, a Seattle mother of two boys, is managing lockdown with her ex-husband who lives in a different house. Both are working from home, and communicate amicably by text and phone.

"I did not agree that his parents should come in to town, with Seattle being the epicenter of the U.S. outbreak at the time," she says. "He did not think that I should have my friend, who also cuts my hair, come to my house even though she had been in quarantine for several weeks. These are new kinds of disagreements that have come up with coronavirus, and do cause some tension."

Many of us might be thinking we need a family therapist about now. In fact, sociologists, psychologists, therapists and relationship trainers say they are already hearing from clients and patients, even though no one is actually seeing them in person (it's taking place by phone or online via video links).

"They won't apply the words, 'it's because of the virus or the pandemic that I’m feeling this way,' " says Mandy Mitchell, a licensed clinical social worker at the Center for Counseling and Wellness in Myrtle Beach, S.C. "Instead, they say, 'I wanted him to buy seven cans of corn and he only bought three' and they think they're arguing about corn when what they're really arguing about is the need to feel secure and stable."

All families have underlying issues; in times like these, they're exacerbated or easily triggered, thus launching potentially toxic interactions, says family therapist Helen Park of Manhattan's Ackerman Institute for the Family, a mental-health clinic.

"It's just so much more pronounced now because the climate for everybody is such an acute, pervasive level of anxiety," Park says. "That kicks up the sympathetic nervous system; the fight-or-flight fear responses are very much always on. That's where you get problematic cycles of interactions, which are so difficult to interrupt if you're in a heightened state."

Indeed, American households are dealing with a whole new level of fraught these days, one that makes the usual squabbling seem tame.

Elizabeth Tenety, a co-founder of and occasional columnist on the popular parenting site Motherly, says she's noticed how virus lockdown is affecting her own family; she and her husband are the parents of four kids under 7, and both are working from their New Jersey home.

"A week or two ago, I just attacked my husband – I had what I now understand, after a lot of reporting and writing about it, was a natural human reaction to so much uncertainty and terror," says Tenety, co-author of "The Motherly Guide to Becoming Mama."

"I'm trying to cope with demands, he's not coping the way I want him to be coping, and I handled it in the worst way, very accusatory," Tenety says. "We're hearing from our audience there are thousands of women saying 'me, too, I’m fighting with my partner' more."

Stacey Engle, president of Fierce Conversations, a Seattle-based corporate training and coaching firm (based on a self-help book of the same name), says her company trains people on how to have "better conversations" aimed at listening and communicating with less rancor. Now that they're delivering their training online to couples and families, they're advising clients that existing tensions can be resolved or ameliorated before relationships become irreparable, Engle says.

"Because a core idea is that the conversation IS the relationship," Engle says. "If you want an open, loving relationship, you need to have the same in conversations."

Teaching people "the skill of listening to understand rather than to form your rebuttal" is the aim of the Seattle-based Gottman Institute, which preaches a research-based approach to relationships and trains certified therapists like Mitchell. She says she's seeing an increase in conflict among her clients they hadn't experienced since they started therapy.

"It might look like anger but it’s really just fear, because that's a very primal part of us as human beings," she says. She tries to help people learn to dial down accusatory and aggressive interactions. "How do you approach any subject in a way that is gentle and kind and shows what we call unconditional positive regard, meaning: I love you no matter what."

Even in the best of times, it takes work to consciously de-escalate tensions or remember to just check in regularly with each other, says Tenety. She and her husband have arranged an ad hoc shift system to give each time off from dealing with kids, school, household chores and work during quarantine.

"We're hearing this a lot from the parenting community, about being as empathetic and generous with your partner as you would want him or her to be with you," says Tenety. "I'm so fried at the end of the day, I am going to bed early but my husband is staying up and working on his garden, so I give him the space he needs to cope, and I get the space I need to sleep."

How families cope depends on how they responded to family tension before they were shut in, says Tziporah Rosenberg, an associate professor in the Departments of Psychiatry & Family Medicine at the University of Rochester medical school.

"If they avoided hard conversations or fought over every difference before, you can reasonably expect that's how they're handling things now," Rosenberg says. "For most people, it's not the time to hatch brand new skills."

And it does take skills to cope when the anxiety meter is soaring because of fear.

"When we're fearful we're not operating at our best," Rosenberg says. "We're operating out of survival instincts and there's not a lot of room for empathy, compassion, patience, listening deeply -– those are higher-level skills."

So what can be done? It's not like you can flounce out of the house in a huff.

Engle suggests taking a straightforward approach: Address and talk about whatever needs to be talked about in a non-confrontational way.

"If there are issues occurring or bothering you, you have to name it, get clear about it and why is this an issue, and get more clarity to prepare to have a conversation with whoever is involved," Engle says. "You're addressing issues with a person alongside a person, it’s not confronting a person."

In the midst of an argument, remember to hit the "pause" button, says Rosenberg.

"We've recommended this for years, (that) when couples get into arguments, blow the whistle and take a time out," she says. "Go to mutual corners and revisit the conversation a half-hour later. It takes our brains at least that long to come down from agitation."

That time-tested technique is even more relevant now, says Engle. "In this time, you have the opportunity more than ever to pause, reflect and connect with the people you live with in new and meaningful ways," she says.

Try self-soothing and self-care techniques. Take a yoga class online or learn to meditate via an online course. Look for a celebrity workout routine on Instagram and try it. (Check out Jane Fonda's on TikTok.) Lose yourself in a book, work in the garden or even take a nap.

Kirsten Ngheim, who lives with her husband and two young sons on Bainbridge Island, Wash., says so far she and her husband are in harmony about their lives in lockdown, and maybe it's because she's focused on her garden in trying to prepare for the unknown.

"I'm thinking more about planting foods that grow plentifully, further reducing the need for store runs," she says. "But I'm also planting lots of flowers, which evoke an appreciation for nature, happiness, and love just by seeing them. Creating joy in beauty (and) inspiring mental health."

Another thing to remember is that a therapist is only a video link away. "One of the great things is that there are all these resources for self-care so readily accessible online," Park says. "Normally these workshops or retreats, you have to show up in person and pay a lot of money. Now they’re free online."

Cypher says she tries to focus on the positive aspects of her situation in Seattle. Not being in the same house with her ex makes things easier, she says.

"We don't have constant exposure to one another so in that sense we aren't getting on each other's nerves the way some folks who share a home probably are," she notes. "As this continues, I'm sure other issues will come up but fortunately thus far, it's been relatively smooth."

It might help to remember that millions of families are struggling to cope, too. You can tell because people are talking about it online and on social media. Or joking about it.

"Thank God, my wife has multiple personalities. I’m quarantined with a different person everyday and its not boring at all," joshed Paul Barbar.

"Is this a tension headache caused by my friends and family still not taking this pandemic seriously, or am I just coming down with the novel coronavirus: a fun, daily question!" tweeted Tiffany C. Li, an attorney and legal scholar.

Even America's celebrity sweethearts want to throttle each other. Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, married since 2013 and parents of two young daughters, openly admitted it in a video interview with Katie Couric last month.

As the lovey-dovey couple sat next to each for the video, the tension was obvious on camera.

"This is as physically close as we've been in a couple of days 'cause we've just found each other revolting," Bell said, sharing they had been "at each other's throats real bad."

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.