Feeling hopeless? Have your dreams been crushed? Did someone walk out of your life... husband/wife, father/mother, child/sibling, etc.? Maybe you've lost your job? Has that child you've been dreaming of not arrived yet?

Trust us when we say we've experienced many of these too. We got married and in 6 mths we were forced to move out of our home due to no fault of our own and from there many things spiraled out of control as we tried to find a place to live and moved repeatedly for the next 3 years. So many plans got put on hold. During this time, we also lost some of the closest people to us which caused such grief it felt like it could kill. We had differing ways of coping which caused much heartache in our already aching marriage. When we finally moved to a place we'd call home for over 4 years, things seemed to be looking up. I began running a very successful business enabling Andy to work less and work beside me. This was so good for us. We were connecting in ways we hadn't in a long time. We were dreaming again. :)

...Then I got sick. I could no longer drive, remember conversations we had just had seconds ago, was bedridden, and fighting for answers with the little energy I had in order to live. Once we got answers and I had a couple surgeries, we then realized I would now have daily, often hourly, complications from it 😢

I had lost my identity as an independent, can tackle-it-all, intelligent woman that so many others relied on. Would I ever work again? Would I ever look youthful again? What about all the dreams God had put in my heart!? During this time of realization and grief, I was hit with another blow that was so personal, sacred and private that I couldn’t share it with anyone out of respect for the other involved so I've suffered alone. Sometimes life just has a way of stopping us in our tracks doesn't it!? And it feels like the enemy just may win every battle in our life after all...

Photo Credit: Unknown

But here's one thing I know, we serve a BIG BIG God & I believe He can restore the years that were wasted/lost/stolen so my hope is in Him! I do not suffer alone, though at times it may feel and even appear like it, because my Lord hurts alongside me. He hurts alongside you as well.~~~~~Fast forward to the last month or so, after years of repairing, mending and healing much in our individual lives, marital & other relationships, etc. we've dreamed dreams we've never even had before and we've also sought answers in ways we haven't before. Together, as we pursue God and God alone, His answers will be the peace in our hearts. Our hope for the future!~~~~~You can hope today too!! You can believe God for good things to come out of your heartache, your mess, your complete-and-total brokenness because He makes all things new "and we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

According to where we lived, I'd say I was 7 or 8 when I would get in trouble for crawling into and digging through the large dumpsters at our apartment complex. I loved looking for and discovering treasure, and to me, this was just another place to “dig.” Looking back, I of course can see why my mom was horrified at this avenue of prospecting lol but the transition from the farm, then to the big city and now at this point into town just didn't seem to go so well for this little country girl. I needed to be active and go on adventures so I'd climb the tallest trees numerous stories high & take the scary way to my grandparents that was just across the way by taking the path through the old man's tree covered yard &

under his shrubs. He'd get mad if he ever saw me/us so I was glad I could run fast… and I was pretty sure I could melt his heart if I ever needed to so I didn't think I was doing anything truly bad haha.

​One day, while seeing what all my “neighbors” had thrown away and considered waste, I found a beautiful, neatly wrapped but never opened package. It was wrapped in red with a yellow bow. I instantly felt joy leap inside of me because I was thrilled to have found a gift for my mother! I'm pretty sure this was my last time I went in that dumpster too?... because a) I got in trouble b) I felt I had succeeded at finding my treasure or c) BOTH lol!? I'm not quite certain. ;)

When I got out of there, I couldn't wait to give my mom her gift. I snuck it inside and waited for her upset to pass so I could give her this sweet sweet gift. When her worry faded she took her gift but little did she know she couldn't open it because when you flipped it over it had a beautiful poem that sweetly explained that it was my love wrapped inside for her to always have beside her (or something like that.) I believe she still has it!?... or at least I secretly hope she still does. For many years it was tucked inside her dresser drawer & it felt good every time I saw that she still had my love tucked away for a rainy day.

I found the poem! :D

When I first found and then read this gift, I couldn't imagine how anyone could discard of it. I still can't truthfully lol. But this gets me thinking. We've all probably done this. We've all probably thrown away the love or an act of love another has given or tried to give us. I know I'm guilty of being too busy to stop and receive a peck from Andy sometimes & spent many years in self-destructive behaviors that I'd actually get very upset (when drinking) if friends, male or female, began to profess that they cared deeply about me… it touched too vulnerable of a place that I couldn't let hurt again. And we see this all the time in our society today where parents spend more time with their electronics, many don't send thank you cards anymore, where people take what they can and then be done with you, etc. Some we are guilty of, some we experience. And the worst of all, is not receiving the good life God died to give you.

I encourage you to slow down this weekend. Reflect on what love gifts you're not receiving. Which are you discarding? And so on. May you accept the fullness of God's love expressed to you today!!​

The first suicidal/self-harm thoughts I can remember having was at the tender age of eight. I see other eight year olds now and my heart breaks for the child inside me that knew such pain that she could wish for this at an age where innocence, childlike play, creativity and imagination are to be soaring. You can see in my pictures at this age that this oppression had set in, so much so that one of my grandmother's would state how she hated that picture. It didn't represent the Alicia she had known. She never hung that one up either.

Over the years, I learned of other people's opinions of those who self-hate and learned to disguise this quite well or found ways to do so in which others would never know. This wasn't an intentional thought, it just happened over time. These thoughts came on with incredible force my last two years in high school but few would have ever known because I was the girl who walked down the hall every day smiling and saying hi to everyone. I truly believed it was my calling to be a light in those halls. I was also Vice President of Student Council & Spanish Club while being heavily involved in many others. I stayed super busy with a full social life, worked tons, kept my grades up, etc. So that left very few people in on the truth of how tortured I was and I'm not even sure those living with me totally got it until I started drinking heavily after I turned 21.

So much unresolved pain left me aching for me... to be more, to do more... to be loved more. I needed love so desperately. I did things and put myself in sad situations because this ache consumed every inch of me.

Photo Credit: A Work of A.R.T.

​Fast forward, I'm now 35 and beginning to discover and rediscover parts of me that I truly like. Did you know I'm creative!?! Many around me would say yes, but I never thought so. It was a part of my daily life as a kid but over time due to different things those "foolish" things got put aside. I had to work hard financially, as well as academically, during my school years (I started babysitting at age 8) and due to other influences, I never took those sorts of classes because I didn't think there was time for that. So heartbreaking now.

So five years ago (maybe more?), God started talking to me about my creative side, to embrace it, it's who He created me to be, etc. I again, didn't have much time for that as I was fighting for answers with my health at that time but then 4 years ago this month, I left the house for the first time in ages without Andy, still recovering from surgery and battling the struggles I was now having on a daily basis from that surgery and wow, am I so glad I went. At the very end of the conference there was a prophetic and healing word spoken over me and one main part of that was about me being creative. Say whaaat!?!! God even made it obvious by giving me the initials A.R.T. lol. I thought I was a fast learner but because I had built this shell towards the foolish (not foolish at all actually) things of life (also spoken to me in this prophetic word) in order to survive I couldn't see how much He had placed in me that He desired me to express... and I have to be honest, I still struggle to allow these parts of me out publicly. Creating is a vulnerable thing to share it seems.

Okay, back to present day, I've been learning to like myself for some time now and I've always heard Joyce Meyer say the childhood that she lost or was stolen has been restored back to her. She has the joy of the Lord and has enjoyed so much in life, that it is to her, like the Lord gave her a two-fold (or more!?) blessing of that childhood lost. I always found this to give me hope and now I can say I am experiencing some of this myself. I've been lost in writing, designing, fashion, website building, logo making, speaking, putting down lyrics and poetry, expressive arts and crafts plus more in the last couple of years. As we purchased this house and I turned 35, God made it clear He would be doing more with me artistically and it has been so fun! I've begun doing photography and He is speaking through my paintbrush as well. I am loving this side of me that had been lost and discarded for so long, I feel like I'm finally finding my place in the world. It's giving me quite a sense of purpose and it's been wonderful to have something, that with my physical limitations, I can actually do... well not just one thing but many... which is so important to me. I'm gaining confidence, I'm learning, I'm getting "it" all out...all the stuff that there just aren't enough words to express. I've found ways to show others what the world looks like through my eyes, and knowing I've always been different, I finally feel like I should be an active part of this world. It's beautiful.

Did or are you struggling to like yourself? Have you fully accepted how God has made you and set you apart? How have you fought this and/or how have you embraced this? Are you creative as well and if so, how do you express that? Tell me a little of your journey because I'd truly love to hear!

Once again it's been quite a while since I've blogged. I begin to wonder if I'll ever become a regular blogger? It seems, just as I get settled in, then another season of change happens and during those times I've learned I am my best self if I focus on very few but important things because my energy wanes. Maybe this is because of chronic illness or maybe it's just the way I'm built? Either way, I've learned to embrace it.

Photo Credit: A Work of A.R.T.

In the last 10 months we've left our church, moved out of town and bought our first home, lost our 16 year old Maine Coon who was our baby, experienced bats in the walls of our 104 year old home lol & much, much more. Isn't life always full of something!? It's one thing after another! Since we know this, it's up to us to choose whether we embrace the changes or fight them, see life as an adventure or a nightmare & so on.

This reminds me of a funny story one of my best friends and her daughter experienced. Her little girl was playing on a playground when she ended up getting a bunch of stickers stuck to her. Being young and so sweetly innocent, she told me later that she wondered through her screams and tears why her mom would let these "bugs" just bite her. While that may make us giggle now because we know they weren't bugs at all but stickers, it made me think of how we sometimes question our own Father when we're getting bitten or stung by those in the world or situations of the world. Life can be so hard sometimes but I believe, just like this little girl's mother, our Father knows we're going to be ok because He sees more than we do, He knows more than we do.

​We live in a fallen world with imperfect people and are quite imperfect ourselves... so how do we embrace this adventure and keep on keeping on? I think it's as simple as trusting our Father and believing that He knows or allows what is best. That may be simple but applying it in the moments of suffocating pain... now that's complex!

During the times where it seems I've/we've done everything right and yet people or situations fail us, I find comfort in the stories of several Bible characters... Job; he lost it all and yet he continued to serve God even as He cried out to Him in pain. Then there's Joseph who was sold into slavery by his own envious brothers and continued to have one attack or trial after another though his heart was right and set on God and the things of God.

While taking pictures a couple weeks ago... I ended up with my own assortment of stickers "biting" me ;) ... Photo Credit: A Work of A.R.T.

Thankfully, we serve the same gracious God as Job and Joseph and both of them were brought to victory in the end! Set your eyes upon Jesus, trust your Heavenly Father to care for you better than any earthly father ever could and pursue the things in which the Holy Spirit leads you. Our Godhead 3-in-1 has you and He is a God of miracles! Expect your SUDDENLY miracle because God is in the business (for a lack of a much better word) of SUDDENLY!