A cat's thoughts

They got themselves a dog. I now share this place with a lazy, stupid animal, which is now called “the master’s best friend”. The fact he recognizes a human as his master is embarrassing in itself, but that he, in top of that, lives in friendship with them, is completely incomprehensible to me. They, the humans, seem to believe they are my masters as well, although they serve my food every day, which undeniably makes them my servants and not my masters – but the humans’ logic will ever be difficult to understand for the more intelligent sort.

This dog, however, seems not to bother the people’s stupidity (he himself is, of course, also of limited intelligence), and cheerfully behaves like their slave. He happily trots to them when they call for him, stands for them with a foolish smile and a wagging tail, waiting for the human to say what he wants – which would be nothing in most cases. They just want to demonstrate how obedient the good ol’ dog is. If it were possible anatomically, I would blush every single time it happens. But the humans couldn’t be more delighted.

Oh, and how he loves to be petted by them! They also try their luck with me every now and then (yuck!) - preferably after they have just touched him. With their disgusting claws they try to stroke my freshly washed pelt – awful, terrible, I cannot say else. Mostly, I manage to get away with a mighty maneuver, and then I hear them saying “How good it is we’ve got the dog, at least he likes to cuddle”. Rather him than me - that might be clear to you, dear reader, at this point.

The peak of awkwardness is reached, when the humans – without rhyme or reason – throw away some object, may it be a ball or a stick, with the only goal, that the dog gets the namely object and drops it to their feet. It seems to be his favorite occupation, for he’s always running after the thrown object like a maniac, he always returns it as wished-for, and then he stands wagging, ready for another hunt in case the object is thrown again. The thing the humans seem to love the most and which makes everything even more pathetic as the whole procedure already is, is when they just do as if they throw something, but don't. The dog stands there, hesitant, and looks to where the object was supposed to land, then to where it was supposed to come from – and finds nothing. The human plays the fool and pretends he has also not the slightest idea what has happened to the object, until he finally has enough of the game (or when the sad big dog eyes finally provoke compassion) and brings out the ‘vanished’ object. The dog is not pissed about this gag, as you might expect, no, he is giddy with pleasure now that the lost object has finally returned. If I had not already left the scene before, I take my leave when he starts to jump around in hope of continuing the game.

At night, the people force us to share a bed. I tried everything to get out of his way, but nothing has worked. The dog apparently likes to be around me, since he does not leave my side in spite of my threatening expressions. Instead, he looks at me with the same stupid smile he gives the humans (this humiliation!). For some incomprehensible reason, the humans seem to believe that we could communicate together. As if a dog and a cat are not as different as a person and a dog or cat! I could wonder about this until I got myself a headache, but, and I apologize for repeating my words: the human mind lacks any logic. Always when I hiss in this mutt’s face, with the intention to chase him away from me, he sees a game in it and snaps (it is unimaginable) to the air. If my paws were not so dear to me, I would long ago have scratched him properly, but I'm too afraid to entangle my nails into his filthy pelt - because do not believe he ever washes himself. Luckily, he is heavy and hugely inflexible, so I can always flee to the windowsill.

You now can imagine my predicament since he is there. I have already thought out escape plans for the day on which I cannot bear this anymore. Until then, I observe the events in the house with disgust, but the fact that my food is served, is really quite pleasant – and the only reason I stay.