Isn't the bikini one of the cruellest instruments of torture ever devised?

Ruth Howard hasn't worn one in public in her life - so where better to start than on TV, being insulted by strangers on a beach in Gran Canaria?

After losing nine stone the remnants of Ruth's stomach dangle from her waist like a deflated lilo and you really feel for her when passers-by reckon she's got the body of a 70-year-old when she's only 34.

It's a job for Nicky Hambleton-Jones and her team of nippers and tuckers. No magician who ever sawed a lady in half did quite as good a job of it as plastic surgeon Jan Stanek. Ruth weathers Nicky's patronising with great humour - but then so might you if you were also getting a boob lift, new teeth and your varicose veins sorted (don't look!).

And if you can't afford a facelift, the cleanser this show endorses should leave you with that authentic, permanently startled expression. The price tag? Just £59 a bottle.