Day 211 of 365

I ended up drunk after a night out and agreed that a friend could walk me home, it seemed like the safest thing to do. The next thing I remember is him pointing out the blood, he’d been that rough he’d cut me inside, I couldn’t even remember it happening what must have been minutes earlier. As I sat confused and said I couldn’t remember how I got there, he decided he was fine with the blood, the next thing I remember is being told the condom broke, and looking at him unable to comprehend it, I didn’t know we’d had sex so why would there be a condom?

After that we ended up in the shower, probably due to the amount of blood. I seem to remember being on top of him when he said the condom broke, so the next day that tiny bit of memory made me think that I was happy with the situation. The reality that I was sat on top of him with no recollection of only minutes earlier didn’t seem to bother him and it only bothered me after I’d sat and thought about it for days, as to whether I regretted it or I really wasn’t in a fit state to be doing anything.

The point I realized it probably wasn’t okay was being sat in hospital with multiple doctors trying to assess the injuries to my cervix, they asked how it happened and I didn’t really know. When I was asked about how drunk I was, or how why I didn’t go in immediately with that amount of blood, I lied to avoid the questions. I bled for a week afterwards, my mattress, my nice clothes that were on the bed, and my blankets were all covered in blood, I didn’t even notice or feel it at the time. I thought it was okay the next morning because after a shower we had a chat.

I couldn’t remember anything happening so after that I said he could stay instead of walking home. He was just a friend and I wasn’t going to kick him out after he’d looked after me by walking me home while I was drunk. I woke up the next morning being groped, I was still drunk and repeatedly pushed him off me, I was then woken again by someone picking me up putting me on top of then and sticking their tongue down my throat. I remember saying slightly later on that I couldn’t remember much and asked what had happened, he said nothing. I remembered there being blood and him mentioning a broken condom so I knew it had, he then admitted this, but only what I had said. I still have no idea exactly what happened, it took a while to accept that maybe it wasn’t just a drunk mistake, and that most people would stop when someone told them they couldn’t remember minutes earlier, or were suddenly bleeding heavily enough to soak through a mattress.

I still but that down to his oblivious actions slightly misjudged due to alcohol but he remembers a drunken one night stand, I don’t really remember much at all. The night that will stay with me, or mostly the morning after in a hospital bed, will be a vague memory no different to any other for him.