Sex acronyms, Tax services and a Canadian Beaver

I know what you’re all thinking… WHAT the fuck is this post going to be about?

Well, it’s another classic Frat-Pack email exchange but in order to fully appreciate it, you WILL NEED TO KNOW the following information:

1. I used to work as a tax adviser 2. Some common acronyms one might encounter in that line of work: CGT – capital gains tax, IHT – inheritance tax, PAYE – pay as you earn, SDLT – stamp duty land tax; payable on the purchase of certain assets 3. I’ve been known to ‘hang-out’ with escorts on occasion 4. A couple of common acronyms one might encounter in THAT line of work: GFE – girlfriend experience, OWO – oral without a condom 5. Long story, but I own an apartment in a ski resort in BC, Canada (sadly not in Whistler). And as I bought it a year before the financial world imploded, it’s been a pain in my arse ever since.

Of course rather than lend the occasional shoulder to cry on, the guys have pretty much taken the piss out of me non-stop, with Flembo even dubbing it The Beaver Lodge on account of the ‘beaver infestation’ in the area. Just to clarify, there are no fucking beavers there! But sometimes I wish there were so they’d destroy the place and I could claim on the insurance.

See. No beavers. Though I accept it looks as though I made this out of Lego.

Right, now on with the show. I’d returned from South America around two months earlier and was touching base with the guys about future employment plans.

…

From: Sean Smithson Sent: 12 April 2013 13:05 To: The Frat-Pack

So apparently getting a part-time gig in tax is pretty hard, if not impossible.

A girl I met travelling mentioned male escorting and I decided to do some digging… I’ve actually looked into this once before but now I’m desperate. Plus GQ did an article on it and some of the agencies seemed kosher.

One of them (which I won’t reveal in case I go ahead with this and you guys find my profile one day) has an advert posted by this guy. No wonder Guns hasn’t been responding to any of my recent emails..?

Dude, I’m sorry for stealing your picture
but you have no idea how much you look like Guns.

From: Guns Sent: 12 April 2013 13:32

Sean you are better than that! I have plenty of male friends that could provide you with some company. Hell, even I’m still willing to hang out with you for a beer. I am not prepared to take it to the next level though!! How much are you willing to pay (for interest only)?

Look, if you’re desperate I have a mate who says that he will try anything once.
Let me know if you want his details?

I really will never understand what ‘your usual spec’ is!

From: Stingray Sent: 12 April 2013 13:33

Its ok Guns, I’m in on the email…

From: Sean Smithson Sent: 12 April 2013 13:35

I don’t know if you two planned that? But that was genius.

From: Guns Sent: 12 April 2013 13:40

He does the full BFE too!

From: Unknown Male Sent: 12 April 2013 13:42

I’m just thinking what Sean’s list of acronyms for services rendered would be:

BFE, PAYE, CGT, IHT… I could go on.

From: Northern Monkey Sent: 12 April 2013 13:45

Ha. Nice touch.

From: Frank-Kay Sent: 12 April 2013 13:50

In view of his recent exploits and with a bit of latitude: SDLT – Sean Does Latin (American) Totty.

From: Basis Sent: 12 April 2013 13:52

Remember, we can still offer all those services in-house.

From: Sean Smithson Sent: 12 April 2013 14:00

I like that Basis. And he’s got a good point chaps.

From: Slacks Sent: 12 April 2013 14:05

All acronyms will have the suffix ‘WO’ given track record. Unknown Male, you missed KFCWO.

From: Twin D Sent: 12 April 2013 14:10

And don’t forget the BEETLE!! LOOOOOL!

This was arguably my most disturbing sex story ever.
But let’s save that for another day.

From: Flembo Sent: 12 April 2013 14:20

What’s the SDLT payable on a pile of Canadian sawdust?

From: Panda Bear Sent: 12 April 2013 14:22

The Beaver Lodge…

From: Sean Smithson Sent: 12 April 2013 14:25

C#nts!

From: Flembo Sent: 12 April 2013 14:30

So good… Just so good.

So much so that The Beaver even thought to play a violin for you…

HOW did he even find this?

…

Now obviously that email backfired on me spectacularly but hopefully YOU enjoyed it and can also see just why I love those guys. As always, I welcome your comments – particularly if you want to share anymore sex acronyms – but please also take note of the following:

1. For enquiries about your UK, US (I worked as a dual handler for two years) or more recently, Canadian rental, tax affairs, quote (1); 2. For enquiries about The Beaver Lodge – rental, purchase or if you just fancy getting shit faced and naked with me in the hot tub – quote (2); and finally 3. For enquiries about my ‘personal services’, quote (3). Include Stingray in your booking and receive up to 25% off.

NB – you are paying for our time and companionship only. Anything ‘extra’ is between consenting adults and does not form part of the transaction. But I’ll probably throw that extra stuff in for free.

Oh and in case you’re wondering (I assume many of you are), I did follow through with the escorting thing… And it did not end well.

…

If you liked this then I suspect you might also enjoy my book. Or not.

Either way, thanks for reading; particularly to those of you who share these stories and/or leave comments.

Sean, Sean, Sean-
Must you pull this out of me before I’m ready to publish this post?
Back in the day, I had a job where I had to know lots of sex acronyms.
FBSM, GS, OWO, OWOTC, BDSM…
No. I wasn’t an escort.
It’s part of my New York Stories series. But I’m trying to Change My Image.
So I’ll hide it here, in YOUR comment section, instead of on MY blog. hehehe
xo,
S

Seriously, I got a little turned on by the beaver shots – being a true patriotic true-blooded Canadian and all. I think I may sit back and figure out some beaver acronyms.
BFE… yikes. It’s only a matter of time before the movie comes out.

BEETLE… you have to, now. I used to work for Canadians. Not an interesting story. Not an interesting people (sorry Victoria). Music? Rush, Alanis Morissette, Nickleback… Christ… I pity the beavers, really. Especially the one with the violin – he must be a tax lawyer as he’s on the fiddle (English joke circa 1956).

Great post. But what a terrible tease about your attempt at being an escort! Years ago I thought about trying a male escort service. I liked the “in and out”, “no questions” etc, aspect of it. Felt like too dark a road for me though. Then I discovered Pof and Okcupid. I wonder if Internet dating has hurt the escort biz. Can’t wait to hear your story!

Let’s just say, there are some unscrupulous characters out there… But I will tell the whole story one day.

My biggest challenge was finding WOMEN who were interested in using one. I know you said you decided against it but if any of your friends are keen, I’m all ears. Basically, I’m asking if you’ll be my pimp?

I am at a loss. I guess I am too tired to try to make any dirty acroynyms much less try to figure them out. I did like the pictures and your leggo condo building. Is the hot tub indoors or out? I guess it doesn’t really matter….. You don’t mind who watches you..

As another blogger recently said to me (in response to a comment I’d left on her blog), you’s a smart one Cotswold Girl, you’s a smart one… I LOVE that and can’t believe that none of the guys thought about it at the time. As I said to Janey (above), I’ll be sure to cc you on future email correspondence.

Sorry about the Wing Commander. But yes, if we ever happen to be in BC at the same time, let’s make that happen.

Extra stuff for free huh? You’ve got a generous soul Smithson but alas, not the hard nosed acumen of a property developer. Ouch to the apartment purchase. Still, booms usually follow busts, so hang on in there.

Okay, I’m a little more clear headed this evening and much of my confusion was no doubt due to the drugs. I cannot wait to hear about your time as a male escort! Your friends seem like a bunch of joyous wankers and loads of fun. Okay, I’m still on drugs. Anyway…

Mr Smithson, you definitely owe us two more stories. One about a beetle and one about being a male escort. I’ve got an acronym I just made up now if you’re interested? It’s kinda tax-related. Are you ready? VAT…. vagina arsehole tits. Witty, right?

Nice to be back, hadn´t read this one. So male escort eh?I have my inquiries since you are the expert in advicing. How much are you going to charge by the hour you didn´t say and are you going to do oral without condom?

Forgot.
You scared the shit out of me when I read at the beginning the Beaver thing, I though you where going to write a post about Justin Beaver, though you where becoming a little sissy, thank God it wasn´t didn´t know that little animal which seems it eats through all kinds of wood plus plays I´m pretty sure the piano too was the symbol of the country.