My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.

Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.

Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. And Luckily at that time I can attend a prestigious school that proud on its student's academic records'but the students there turned out really like having a party, they were party animals. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.

I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.

On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.

Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.

After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.

My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine'..and shortly a nightly custom to crack one or two'..Privately, I started combining my personal cocktails and having the glass concealed in my baking cupboard.

Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.

Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. The relationship never got intimate (besides a few hugs and staying very close at sporting venues) but if some of you have read about (or witnessed) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and fierce, if not more so then a physical love affair. I was on seventh heaven - all the time my phone showed a message'.oh the rush of feelings. Usually we exchanged texts late into night, at times in the middle of the night, while we were at duty.

I was content at this high point in my life. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.

Alcohol calmed my frayed nerves.

I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. Series of my drunken journey:

Being completely drunk at a party last year.

Squandered at my sister's 50th birthday

Fulminating messages on my iPhone

I shouted and screamed inappropriately in front of my kids

Hitting my fist at my husband in the face

When my son had a friend sleeping over I had a total scream and shout fight, but it only happened once.

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I feel like I am returning back home.