Why Zane isn’t getting another Nerf gun

We’ve discussed and discussed that 12-year-old black boys with toy guns have been shot by police officers.

We’ve discussed and discussed that 12-year-old black boys with...

My son Zane got suspended from summer camp again, which meant that I had to take the day off from work. So Zane ran errands with me while Aidan was in zoo camp (and Brian was dancing in Canada). One of my favorite errands is Cliff’s Hardware, where I go in to buy a washer for my faucet and walk out with Le Creuset cookware, marabou feathers and purple embroidery thread (yes, I am that gay).

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“Zane, I love you. And I want to play Mancala with you. But not another Nerf gun.”

In December, Zane earned an unprecedented $17 for his allowance, and he spent it on a Nerf gun.

I don’t purchase toy guns because I don’t believe in glorifying gun violence. If we had girls, I wouldn’t buy Barbie dolls because I don’t believe in an 18-inch waist. But this was Zane’s allowance, and he could buy what he pleased.

Neither Brian nor I checked his backpack the next morning. Zane went to school, and during study hall, he pulled out the new toy to show what he had earned.

The teacher freaked out and went home sick. When she returned three days later, Zane was charged with terrorist threats and expelled from a San Francisco public school.

When I told some of my teacher friends about the expulsion, they shook their heads and said, “This is sad, but it’s what the school district needed to do.” When I told some of my black friends, they said, “This is overreaction.”

Was Zane a threat to that homeroom? The majority of people who shoot people in schools are not 12-year-old black boys. The truth is that a 12-year-old black boy who carries anything looking remotely like a firearm is suspect in America.

The school district is working on the issue, but the fact remains that even in San Francisco, a black youth is much more likely to get suspended than a white youth.

Zane is black. His life matters. My son Aidan is of indeterminate race. His life matters.

I am both white and a peace officer. I always question my cultural competence when it comes to raising a black son. We celebrate Kwanzaa and watch Sidney Poitier and Denzel Washington films. We encouraged him to get involved in a rap group (Beats, Rhymes and Life) and the Black Student Union, but it’s not enough. I will never truly understand the marginalization of people with different skin colors.

So why did we adopt Zane? Because Zane needed us. He was born addicted, and had been deemed unadoptable. The social worker said that he would probably end up in a group home. Brian and I take the long odds: boys with colostomies, crippled dogs and Wiccan heroin addicts. We chose to treat Zane as someone whose life matters.

But I also am gay, which means that I understand growing up different from my parents.

I did not choose to be white. I did not choose to be gay. But I did choose to be a father, and it’s my duty both to honor Zane’s heritage and to keep Zane safe. We’ve discussed and discussed that 12-year-old black boys with toy guns have been shot by police officers.

I did choose to be a deputy. If you watched the news, you wouldn’t think it’s an honorable profession. But I know a lot of decent and honorable men and women who put a badge on and risk their lives every day. And I also know that there are a few who do abuse the public trust. Those few make the whole world dangerous. I carry death on my hip only because I wear a star on my chest. But for some people that badge itself has become a target.

Good people have died needlessly on both sides, and I have a difficult time explaining to my son that those lives mattered. How do I explain why people like me and people like him are fighting with each other all over America?

Zane is a black youth with learning challenges being raised by gays in the wild. And no, I will not buy that Nerf toy, but, yes, even when my spirited boy gets suspended from yet another summer camp, he will still get to play the marble game with Daddy because: