Do you ever find yourself looking for the approval of others? You’ve got a really great idea or some really good news and you can’t wait to share it with someone, anyone, so they can tell you how awesome your idea is; but more importantly how awesome YOU are? Yeah, me too! Thankfully I have amazing people in my life. Someone who I admire and respect reminded me, that the only person I need approval from.. is me.

While, it was very hard for my brain to process this simple fact, my heart knew immediately she was on point. Why do some of us search so desperately for the approval of others? I’m not sure your reasons, but I will share some of mine. Maybe it seems strange to you that someone like me, (who runs a corporate department managing 77 people, who also runs her own business and has successfully been a wife and mother for over 22 years) would have a need for approval in the first place. From the outside in it likely looks like she don’t need approval or acceptance from anyone.

I remember looking in the mirror as a young adult and making sure every thing I could see was in it’s perfect place. My hair, makeup, clothing even shoes, were my version of perfect; but also not too perfect so that I wouldn’t draw too much attention to myself. My children also needed to be well dressed, clean and proper. It was important to appear that I was worthy of acceptance and approval from the world.

As a woman, we are always moving fast ahead to get the job done. Whatever the job may be. We GSD from sun up to sun down and do it again tomorrow. We’ve been conditioned to be this way, after all if we want to be anything like the Proverbs 31 woman, we can’t sleep. We must keep going, be perfect, not complain and keep raising the standards.

Now that I am fast approaching becoming an empty nester, all of a sudden I am intentionally beginning to slow down and savor each moment that life so graciously offers me. In doing so, I have limited my daily distractions. You know, the ones that keep us busy; work, marriage, and motherhood. Slowing down has greatly shown me the holes that I haven’t attended to for a long time.

Things like, taking care of my self, owning my own value, loving myself for who I’ve become and yes, learning to accept myself as I am in this season of life. Of course, this is where my passion for teaching women how to care for themselves is rooted, because I have seen first hand how not taking care of ourselves leaves us with a huge void that we are sometimes are desperate to fill with anyone or anything that makes us feel whole again. The flip side of this, oh yeah, I’ve done this one too, it’s called hiding. Staying busy allows plenty of space to not be seen or heard but that’s for another time.

Over the years, I’ve done an ok job of extending self-compassion to myself. I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time, but I’ve always had a innate need to be true to who I am at my core. By comparison, some would disagree and say I’ve done a super great job, but of course I’m my biggest critic. As I’ve grown and expanded on my own journey, I’ve learned so much more about the impact, benefits and the risks of being true to your own needs and desires. My motto has always been, “we do better when we know better”. On my journey I’ve discovered that part of what I’ve allowed to hold me back was what has been ingrained in me by the wonderful religious leaders, I’ve known all my life.

The church, in general terms, is quick to teach us, especially women, that if we spend to0 much time caring for ourselves and doing what we need to to feel most like our true self, that its selfish behavior that will be damned to hell for the rest of your life. Yup, I’ve been there. In fact I can remember hearing often as a child how selfish I was, well duh, all children are selfish. I didn’t know that then, but I do know.

The point, we are selfish, our flesh is selfish and I believe we are carefully crafted to be just as we are. So what if we are selfish beings? Is that really all that terrible? Perhaps, a better way to say the message of the Bible would be, know who you are so that you can pour out of your excess to others. So many of women are empty, they’ve given all of their power away. You can’t give from an empty well.

For years I had to live in fight or flight mode so that I would make it through the tough things that life was handing out. I’ve finally made it through the storm and now I’m learning to live in the present. I’m current. Learning not to worry about what others think or see when they look my direction. No more shame. No more need for others to accept me.

Today when I look in the mirror, I see a whole woman. Yes, she has extra stored energy on her hips, thighs and belly. But every ounce of that is earned. This body has been through a lot. It’s temporary and won’t be there forever. Rather, I see a beautiful, kind, compassionate, passionate, caring, fiercely loving woman who loves herself first. She is enough, she accepts herself because she knows who she is, who she is not, and she shows up everyday to offer her best to the world.

So let me ask you this, who do you see when you look in the mirror? Need help finding the beautiful person hiding on the inside? Are you ready to let her out to own her value, to be seen and heard? Let’s chat and give you your voice again.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are so terrified that you can’t seem to do anything? Okay, what about when you are completely overwhelmed by the list of tasks or opportunity you have in front of you and you want to give up; because moving forward seems too much and too hard. Then there is that glimmer of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel. For some reason you know you can do it but don’t know how. Can you relate? I’ve had several of those moments in my life. As a matter of fact, this past year has been full of those moments. Ask anyone who chooses to follow their heart and dreams, they will probably tell you the same thing. The road to entrepreneurship is not for everyone, but for me it has been the ride of my life and I’m just getting started. In light of that, I wanted to share a few things that I have learned thus far in my journey. These are a few things that I practice when I feel overwhelmed.

Keep your eye on the “Y”.

I know it may seem simple but this is what is going to motivate you to take the next step forward. It doesn’t matter if you are overwhelmed by motherhood, making your product, or developing the next big presentation at work. Knowing why you are doing what you are doing has to be big enough and close to your heart. My why is living my purpose which includes you. I believe all the things I have learned and experiences have meaning. That meaning is sharing my heart with you through coaching, so that you can have hope and the tools to help you have a life of meaning, balance and purpose. Yes, I love my family and they are a moving force in my life. Yet, I have to be an example of following my heart and you are my heart. Women, who want more out of their lives and are ready to make the necessary changes.

Break it down.

Sometimes when I have a huge task in front of me, I am completely overwhelmed by the mere size of what I need to get done. Part of me thinks, “I am in over my head, how am I going to get through this?”. Then I remember to break it down, well sometimes my husband reminds me that it will be okay. After all, I/you can only get so much completed in a day. That’s exactly what I do. I break down the big tasks to what I can complete today that will move me forward to reach the goal. Here’s an example, you have a big test that you are studying for and you wonder how you ever get all of your studying in and find time to get needed sleep. Simply set a time frame to study and then stop at the time time you set, move on to something else. Maybe you can come back to it later, but stressing over situations does not help, actually it wastes more time that could be productive. Perhaps you need to pick up the kids, make dinner, help with homework and prepare a proposal for the next day. Whew, that is a lot. To break it down you can first delegate the tasks that are not essential, find someone to pick up the kids, use a crockpot for dinner or do something simple like breakfast for dinner, so that you have more time to help with homework and work on the proposal. Yes you will be tired and yes you will get through this. Breaking it down just means doing what you can and letting go of what you can’t.

Breathe

This is one my husband reminds me to do. Before you begin bitting heads off, take a deep breath. Again, you have 24 glorious hours in each day. That won’t change unless you stop breathing, which is probably not ideal. In all seriousness though, taking a moment to calm yourself can do wonders. It can change your perspective and help you see that you will get much of what you want to get done, accomplished. Don’t stress out if everything doesn’t look exactly the way you anticipated, sometimes that is the best blessing; the surprise, possibility and the feeling of accomplishment.

Plan

Planning ahead is the best way to reduce your anxiety. However, that isn’t always an option. When it is an option that is the best road to take and remember that you don’t have to do it all. Communicate what you want/need and don’t want. Even planning a few things can make a huge impact. Perhaps, you get a last minute client who decides they need a proposal by the end of the day and you already have a full plate. You have a few options you can say that you will get it to them in the morning, you can take the time you have available to adjust your plans,make a new plan or you can do nothing. The choice is yours. Take ownership of you and remember, you get what you allow. Sometimes saying no is the best option in the situation based on your circumstances. Other times, you need to say yes and go with the flow, have faith and ride the wave.

Ask for help.

Yeah, this one isn’t easy for me. It goes back to the delegation thing. There are always tasks that your friends and family can help complete. What may be holding you back is your pride. Yup, I said pride. Let me be the first to tell you asking for help does not make you weak or any less of a women, mom, or professional. Rather, it makes you human and opens you to connection with other people. I’m guessing you have a community of people who would love to help you when you are genuinely in need. Oh, yeah when you ask for help, be clear about your expectations, if it matters, and be open. Allow people to help in their own way. Does it really matter how something is done, or that it is done and you didn’t need to do it. You can always refold your clothes after you get the important things completed.

Set goals.

This goal thing isn’t going away. It’s proven, when people set goals, write them down and keep them in front of them; they succeed. It doesn’t matter if your goal list contains groceries or million dollar deals. Having them will set you on the track to actually reach them. Whether you are feeling terrified about taking a step forward or feeling overwhelmed by opportunities if you don’t have set goals then you will stay on the hamster wheel and keep going in circles. Goals get you off the hamster wheel and move you on a trajectory that matches your dreams, desires and purpose. Just write them down, read them and do it.

Celebrate!

All of the above tips help me to move through those things that frighten me and overwhelm me; I’m also a girl who likes to celebrate. Your celebration can be anything that is important to you. It can be a bubble bath, time to read your favorite book, eating a piece of chocolate, indulging in your favorite beverage, a day at the spa or allowing yourself to spend money on something that you wouldn’t normally. The celebration needs to match the achievement as well as your means. If you’re overwhelmed by juggling a big project at work and managing motherhood then you may not want to purchase the $3,000 retreat, unless of course you can pay cash. An appropriate celebration for that may be a night out with the gals and indulging in your favorite food that you eat in moderation. It doesn’t really matter what the celebration is for or how you celebrate, rather that you do. Taking time to celebrate within your means, or on occasion slightly outside your means, is important because you are celebrating you. That is something worth celebrating.

Hopefully something in this post is helpful to you. I didn’t expand on them as much as I could have because I know you have better things to do than sit around and read my thoughts. If you would like to know more about any of the thoughts I’ve shared, message me and let me know. I would be happy to help you understand or work through a plan with you.

“I’m not promising it will be easy but it will get easier if you don’t give up.”

At one time or another, we all feel frightened and overwhelmed. Know that you are not alone and that if you employ one of the tips I shared, you will feel some relief and hope. One thing I didn’t mention that will make the biggest impact is to pray. I pray to Jesus and he always calms me, but that is me. You can pray or mediate to whom ever makes you feel centered so that you have the courage to take the next step forward. When you are open to moving toward the light you will learn, you may be uncomfortable at times, but you will make it. I’m not promising that it will be easy but it will get easier if you don’t give up. You have something special to offer the world, why would you ever let anything get in the way of that? Someone needs to hear your voice, see your story in action. Oh yeah, and there’s that little thing, YOU ARE ENOUGH and totally worth it.

“What are you thinking? Who do you think you are? That was totally your fault, you shouldn’t have stayed. You should have known better. Don’t tell anyone, no one will understand. They will think you are stupid, they will make a big deal about it. What if I’m wrong? I just won’t think about it. Maybe it will go away. I am so angry right now, but I can’t trust anyone. What will people think about me if they knew.”

Sound familiar? These are just a few of the thoughts that go through a women’s mind in a few seconds, probably everyday. What is she battling? Admitting to herself that she has experienced domestic violence or sexual assault. While, this thought process is fitting for many other issues that women face, it certainly is an example of the thought process accepting domestic violence.

Our society has really done a number on us making us question whether or not it is worth the fight to tell someone what you have experienced. In part because it can be very difficult to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt in court, not to mention painful, to move through the justice system. While the justice system is important and needed, I want you to put that aside for a moment. What is really important is that you first admit to yourself, that someone hurt you in a way that crossed many boundaries and is unacceptable. Once you are able to admit it to yourself then you can begin to asses your options. Yes, you have options. Maybe you don’t need to go to extreme measures, maybe you do. There is help available to you and it can be as simple as finding the right person to share your experience with who may be able to help you. There is the Aspire app/initiative that you can download, you can do a google search, call the domestic violence hotline, or seek out the local police department for resources.

Let’s be honest, when you have experienced domestic violence you know it. It’s my opinion that we battle with ourselves because we don’t want it to be true. When we accept that it is true; we know we will in some way, be accepting the shame that comes with it. Shame is hard for our ego and pride. It’s true, these are some big pills to swallow and do make use look at our humanity in a way that is usually very uncomfortable. That’s why I’m here to tell you that you can get over your ego and pride. You are enough and you deserve to value yourself and your body as a treasure. No matter what happened to you, you are important and valuable. If youwon’t value yourself who will? I’m not talking about being conceited or over zealous about “loving” yourself. What I am talking about it having a common respect for yourself and being the first person to understand that as a human being you have value.

As an adult you have a responsibility for your actions and in doing so, that means taking time to address the challenges we come across. Blaming your parents, boyfriend, husband or circumstance does nothing to move you forward. Rather you need to admit that you have been hurt, (emotionally, physically or other) have the courage to work through the journey of acceptance and healing. There is always hope. Maybe it’s time to stop the negative self talk and begin the honest self talk. Speak the truth to yourself and others. It won’t be easy but over time you will find that it was worth the growing pains and you will begin to feel an inner peace and satisfaction like never before. So next time you ask yourself, “What are you thinking?” you can answer; “I’m thinking that I won’t accept behavior that doesn’t value me or anyone else as a human being. “.