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Miss Connections, Round Three

This week’s review of Missed Connections is a little bit more…involved. I’m not going to admit how much time I actually spend writing these things, because then it might explain why I’m still not fluent in French, but this week I actually did research. And the fact that I am seriously referring to it as “research” goes to show you how little deference my career in academia gave me for academia.

So, this round of posts, which in your Caesarian-ruled Western conception of time was “seven weeks ago” (Yeah, and I bet you call this moon’s cycle “June,” too, you plebian), include a couple about the Boston Marathon. Such as the following post, a shout-out for a very specific postee whom the poster totally saw, in person, lyke actually:

Saw you at Marathon – m4w – 25 (Coolidge Corner)

I saw you yesterday between 12-3pm, Monday April 16, 2012 at the Boston Marathon. You were definitely wearing running shorts, short socks, a sleeveless tank/shirt, running shoes (nike? adidas? Salomon? not sure), you had headphones in as well. I saw you and started cheering for you immediately. You might have had a name written on your arm, but it may have sweated off. Otherwise, this process would be so much easier. You had blonde hair, but I couldn’t see what color your eyes were though I’m sure they were beautiful. Your light skin was glistening with sweat, probably because it was 87 degrees outside. You had sunglasses on, black lenses. If I could guess ages, I would say you were between 25-35 years old. You were running with a bunch of other people who don’t quite match this description, maybe one or two did. I think you know who you are…

In short: any blonde woman running the Marathon. Normally I wouldn’t care about a post like this, because it’s obviously someone who thinks that the Missed Connections section of Craigslist is the same as the Casual Encounters section, which I consider a mild form of blasphemy, and I refuse to entertain such sacrilege. But what struck me about this post was the following:

1. The inclusion of things that seem like carefully observed details, included to make the post seem more legit, but which are vague enough that this person didn’t even need to attend the Marathon to know that this description probably fits a few dozen or hundred or so women who were running. The age range (10 years?), the guess at the brand of running shoes (because naming the top three most used brands really narrows it down), and the fact that she “might have had a name written on your arm, but it may have sweated off” (So, now you’re guessing things about her past? “You may have eaten your offspring last year, but may have pinned it on your ex-husband, so now you’re free to run the Marathon and he’s in jail,”), are all just filler. What this posting should look like is: “I want to bone a blonde woman who ran the Marathon yesterday, mid-20′s to mid-30′s. You should still have your sweat glands.” Boom. Done.

2. The last two sentences. See: #1.

3. The note that she was wearing headphones. Now, I had heard that headphones were banned from the Boston Marathon because they gave runners an unfair advantage, since exercising to music with a quick beat has been known to help you keep up an increased heart rate.

This is where the research comes in.

Apparently, the USA Track & Field (USATF), which regulates a bunch o’ marathons nationwide, banned headphones in 2006, citing safety concerns and the possibility that runners could receive communications from their alien overlords. In 2008, the ban was lifted on runners who weren’t competing for an award or championship, and allowed race directors to decide for themselves.

So, it’s possible that this woman, if we’re assuming there was one specific woman in question, was actually wearing headphones, since she’s running this race to prove that she can survive even though her husband went to jail for spawn-cannibalism, and not for any other prize.

But the best part of my research came when I was reading a runner’s message board about the ban:

Next they’ll ban certain running shoes. Then women.

Yeah dude, banning iPods is def the same as banning an entire sex from racing. Nice parallel. Making shitty slippery slope arguments like that has never reflected poorly on other, legitimate, feminist arguments. Well done. Douchebag.

The next MC includes a phrase that I believe should enter next year’s Merriam-Webster’s:

Spiderman on Heartbreak Hill – m4m

You were dressed as Spiderman and somewhere in the area of the hills. I gave you a high five, and was staring at your bulge as I ran up. Thanks for cheering us on and inspiring us with your nice Spidey Bulge!