Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Know Your Place

I spent Sunday pleasurably enough with three different men. Each one left me to go be with a woman for whom they had more attraction.

Am I a magnet for sensitive straight men, giving them just enough of what they desire until they can get the sexual attraction met by a woman? It does seem to be the case.

I think I understand why it is that I often feel used: I can never be enough for the men in my life. They are happy to associate with me and get what they want from me that they can't get from the women in their lives. But when the woman steps in, she has precedence over all, the sexual attraction drive kicks in stronger than any intellectual, emotional or friendship connection. One wants to go to the closing of an art exhibit until his girlfriend calls; another is planning to come over until he gets the offer of a date; another is interested in conversation until his desire for a woman supersedes the conversation.

Each recognizes that he can get more from a woman in his life than he can by having me in his life. Finished reading a book recently that had this quote:

"Having a reliable friend to watch your back is a comfort, but the consolation and support provided by even the best of friends is no match for what a loving wife can be to a husband, or a loving husband to a wife."

Maybe it's time to associate only with men who are gay or who are already married. And maybe those of you close to me should help me find someone.

Hi Dennis,I believe what you have observed may affect straight men in much the same way. Buddies' priorities may change quickly if a woman comes into play. You can often watch conversations how men change tone and manner of speech as soon as a woman has joined.

Similar observations may be made for conversations that women have.

Additionally, I wonder what YOU get out of these men (regardless of whether they are straight or gay). What are your expectations to begin with and how might these expectations affect the course of the relationship and your feelings after you have parted?

Finally, I am absolutely convinced there are men (and women) who find you sexually attractive.

As for what I get, I tend not to fall in love until ample attraction has been set up through trust, shared interests, enjoyment of each other's company. That's when I begin expecting more. I suppose that I could just ask guys up front if they are gay or straight and available and limit developing friendships with those who are just gay and available. But you can imagine how that sort of brings conversation to an awkward halt. It might go a long way in avoiding building an attraction only to learn later that that person isn't available.