Norman Chad: Ya gotta root for the Royals

Published 8:17 pm, Monday, September 22, 2014

KANSAS CITY, MO - SEPTEMBER 1: Kansas City Royals mascot Sluggerrr celebrates a Royals 4-3 won over the Texas Rangers at Kauffman Stadium on September 1, 2014 in Kansas City, Missouri. (Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images) ORG XMIT: 477589187 less

KANSAS CITY, MO - SEPTEMBER 1: Kansas City Royals mascot Sluggerrr celebrates a Royals 4-3 won over the Texas Rangers at Kauffman Stadium on September 1, 2014 in Kansas City, Missouri. (Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty ... more

Photo: Ed Zurga

Norman Chad: Ya gotta root for the Royals

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You'd have to be cold-blooded and coldhearted, or living under a rock with slimy snakes, or camped out in a Yankee Stadium parking lot, or as cynical and hardened and disillusioned as a D.C. lobbyist at a Georgetown dinner party, not to be rooting for the Kansas City Royals.

I mean, what has Kansas City, Mo., ever done to you?

The poor folks there have lived through a generation of disappointment for their favorite professional sports teams, the NFL's Chiefs and MLB's Royals.

The Chiefs won their only Super Bowl in the 1969 season; they haven't been back since. The Royals won their only World Series in 1985; they haven't made the playoffs since.

Kansas City is sometimes called "Paris of the Plains." Shouldn't these down-home, Midwestern Parisians be rewarded with a Royals postseason trip in 2014?

Before we chronicle the Royals' miserable past and promising present, let's celebrate Kansas City itself.

Ernest Hemingway, after high school, briefly worked as a cub reporter at the Kansas City Star, and Harry S. Truman, after high school, briefly worked in the mailroom of the Kansas City Star; can any other newspaper claim a Nobel Prize-winning novelist and a two-term U.S. president?

(Almost as impressively, USA Today once ran a full-color weather map and Larry King's weekly column at the same time.)

But for all of Kansas City's great pedigree, its recent baseball roots have been damaged.

From 1995 to 2012, the Royals had 17 losing seasons out of 18. This included four 100-loss seasons in a five-year span starting in 2002 and four straight 90-loss seasons from 2009 to 2012.

Yes, the franchise made front-office mistakes, but the team also has a smaller margin for error because of its limited payroll. For the entire 21st century, the Royals have been in the lowest rung of baseball spenders, often near the very bottom.

While I've never minded MLB's big market/small market divide — it makes it much more satisfying when the little guys rise and shine — what chance do the Royals have annually against the likes of the Yankees', Red Sox's and Angels' payrolls? In their own division, the Tigers outspent the Royals by nearly 2-to-1 this year — and that's with Kansas City forging its highest payroll ever.

It's like a taco truck trying to compete on a daily basis with Taco Bell.

So the Royals don't throw barrels of money at free agents; rather, they offer a half-slab of ribs and creamy coleslaw from Oklahoma Joe's.

And as the Royals make this playoff push, it's as if they are hidden in broad daylight.

You've probably never heard of Denny Matthews — he's been a Royals broadcaster since the team's first game in 1969.

You've probably never heard of their manager, Ned Yost, a backup catcher in the 1980s with a .212 career batting average, who then worked briefly as a taxidermist in Jackson, Miss., after his playing career ended.

(When the Milwaukee Brewers hired Yost as their manager in 2003, it was primarily because he had the highest WAR and BAPIP among taxidermists in the South.)

Friend them on Facebook. Buy 'em a Slurpee. Heck, call an infielder and chat — I'm sure most Royals are listed in the phonebook.

This is a team without a .300 hitter or anyone with even 75 RBIs.

How can you not root for these anonymous overachievers? Plus Kansas City is overdue. Everyone talks about April in Paris

— why not October in Paris on the Plains?

Ask the Slouch

Q: What was Florida State thinking when it originally suspended Jameis Winston for only the first half of the Clemson game for shouting something "offensive and vulgar" on campus? (Mark Liebman; Houston)

A: They went by the NCAA book: If it had just been offensive, he would've been suspended one quarter. If it had been offensive, vulgar and salacious, he would've been suspended three quarters. And if it had involved domestic or child abuse, I'm sure the suspension would've been four to six quarters.

Q: Every NFL head coach and offensive coordinator uses a play card to cover his mouth when making calls from the sideline — this way no one can see what he is saying. Can we get a play card for Joe Biden? (Jim McKinney; Carmel, Ind.)

A: Pay the man, Shirley.

Q: If Anheuser-Busch InBev buys SABMiller, does that mean we won't see any more beer commercials on TV? (Jeff Hazle; Woodbridge, Va.)

A: Give this fella a pre-sale PBR.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!