Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I failed the test.

This has been a very, very difficult week.

I have indeed failed the test that God has set before me. However, after an actual night of sleep I am able to look back at it without as much guilt.

About 6 or so weeks ago my Grandma fell. This has been occurring more frequently as the years go by, but this time she fractured her arm. Not good for a woman who uses a walker to ambulate. Or is supposed to be using it, that's kind of part of the problem.

Because the health care system is a mess (not that I have a solution nor am I going to broach that subject here) and because she wasn't admitted to the hospital for 3 consecutive days, medicare won't cover her rehab in a nursing home. So here is an 83 year old woman who needs 24 hour care in her own house. So step in my mom and my aunt. 24 hour care, 2 women with jobs, husbands, children, and grandchildren.

This isn't to say that I wouldn't expect less of them, nor when the time comes will I not do this for my mom. It's just what you do for your mom. In fact, I have told her time and again that I will carry her kicking and screaming to live with me. Maybe this is why she always fights it...

However, this has left us without much contact. This has also been a time when I have needed a break with a child that has resorted to not sleeping through the night again. And my hubby and I can't seem to get together for a date night more than once a month. And I'm 8 months pregnant and let my iron get too low. I have been overwhelmed.

So God taught me to rely more on my mother-in-law. Bless this woman, she already watches our son 3 days a week while I work, she is willing to watch him if I make an appointment on the other days, and she watches him two Sunday evenings a month while we have our small group. They have been such a blessing. So twice I asked her to take him overnight to give me a break. And twice, all while her husband is dealing with cancer, radiation, and now chemo, she has done it.

Then, last Friday morning, EARLY, Asher woke miserable, vomit on his pillow, and shivering from a fever. I wrote about that here.

He slept well the first night, then it went down hill. Who DOES sleep well when they are sick? So my mom offered to take him Sunday night. He came home with the congetion moved to his chest and I knew we were in for it. He is too young to be diagnosed with asthma, but anytime he gets chest congestion, he might as well be labeled as such. He has an inhaler for this very reason, which he took fine on Monday. However something changed Tuesday morning, as he flat out refused. Awesome.

So after 2 days I took him to the doctor where I held him screaming for 6 minutes while I gave him his nebulizer treatment without any kind of distraction. Why I as a mother, didn't think that far ahead I'm not sure. Did I mention I was exhausted?

This was also the day my FIL ended up in the hospital. Fluid in both lungs. Very short of breath. Yikes. (Update: he is still in the hospital and we have been concerned. Yesterday he was able to sit up in a chair for a few hours. We are hoping he can be transferred to The James which is where he is receiving his cancer treatment. We love him so much and it is difficult to see a father sick! We continue to pray for him, and they ask that you would too.)

So child care was gone for work Thursday and Friday. So was my other support system. Not good.

My hubby got an awesome new job at the beginning of the year. This also means he is extremely busy at work. 3rd support system-gone. Sigh.

I kept telling these people that I couldn't call any friends as he was so sick and all these said friends also have little ones. However at the time I was miserable, stressed, and not handling my job very well. The verse about His strength being perfect in my weakness has been on my mind a LOT these days, but I wasn't relying on that promise. Like usual, I was trying to keep it together myself.

But God saw me anyways. He sent a friend. A friend with a delicious basket of food and I was so relieved. I was relieved to tell someone else what had been going on, that I was overwhelmed, that I needed just ONE night of semi-uninterrupted sleep. I had lost all motivation to cook and nothing has sounded particularly good to eat for weeks (also stressing me out with my weight gain only at 21 lbs at my last midwife appointment and I had a small baby the 1st time). She not only sent food, but enough to last an entire weekend!

I have been very humbled that I did not handle last week very well. At the end there was a LOT of crying and a few major meltdowns. All while my child was trying to heal. I felt guilty that everyone else was taking care of others without complaint and here I was. I was even more humbled that God still reached out and put his arms around me. I felt like He was taking these support systems away to test me, and I know that I failed. I was so embarrassed and couldn't believe that He was still providing for me. I would have been disgusted with myself. But that is His grace. I am thankful for His strength in my ever-so-constant weakness.