Alan Tyers writes for The Telegraph on cricket, football and whatnot, and is the author of five books published by Bloomsbury, the most recent being 'Who Moved My Stilton? The Victorian Guide To Getting Ahead in Business' www.tyersandbeach.com

“I saw you’re doing the twittering about 9/11, bru,” said Jacques. “Do you really think it might all have been made-up?”

“Oh ja,” nodded Dale. “Could be. They found a passport of one of the hijackers at the scene? Come off it.”

“Maybe that’s how Trott got to be English; finding one in the wreckage of something or other,” suggested Morne Morkel.

“Could be, Morne,” said Dale. “Put it on the list of things to investigate.”

Morne got out his special Conspiracy Theory Felt-Tip Pen Set and began to write carefully. The list read:

“9/11.
Was Diana killed by the Royal Family?
Are shape-shifting lizards controlling the world?
Has Graeme Smith been eating too many lizards?
Or is his fuller figure another consequence of the Magic Boerewors Theory?
Was moon landing really staged and filmed with tiny miniature models using Lance Kluesener’s backside as lunar landscape backdrop?
Is Paul Harris a plant by shadowy international cabal of other international cricket teams?”

“I’ll get AB to pray for you,” said Jacques. “I think you need help.”

“I’m giving up tweeting, anyway,” said Dale. “I heard that’s how Shane Warne mind-controlled poor Daryl Cullinan. He tapped into his brain with the internet and brainwashed him with a ZX-Spectrum and a transmogrifyer and a pet rabbit,”