Share April 14, 1994's comic on:

Transcript

The Boss: I agreed to ship Project 'Dewdrop' to some customers for beta testing.
Dilbert: Didn't you read my test report? Dewdrop explodes when you plug it in.
The Boss: we'll limit the beta trial to friendly customers.
Dilbert: we killed all the friendly ones with project ducky.

Transcript

"You've got to delay the beta trial with customers until we figure out why it keeps exploding!"
"You engineers are such pessimists. Just once, try to focus on the positive aspects of the trial!"
"We won't need to hassle with 'non-disclosure agreements'."

Share April 23, 1994's comic on:

Transcript

Dogbert: I plan to use my new wealth to build an amusement park.
Dogbert: Dogbertland will have thrilling rides like "The wedgie" and I'll have a maze in front of the restrooms.
Dilbert: The customers will hate this.
Dogbert: If they want fun they can build their own park.

Transcript

Bob the dinosaur; gives wedgies to corporate people who deserve it.
Budget analyst
I don't understand any of our projects, I cut the ones with "E" In their names.
BOB: What was that letter?
analysts: EEEE!
Engineers
Wally: we doubled our costs, to add back up systems.
Dilbert: You ant be too careful.
Bob: two at once. In case one enjoys it.
Wally: MMMM
Marketing genius
Market segmentation is the key.
Dont improve the product just find dumber customers!
Senior management
BOB: These guys know how to delegate!
You're the new VP of wedgies.

Share July 23, 1994's comic on:

Transcript

Dogbert: My market research indicates that 50 % of your customers are above the median age.
But the shocking discovery was that 50 % were below the median age.
The Boss: what percent are exactly the median age?
Dogbert: Im proposing to study that impasse two.

Share September 29, 1994's comic on:

Transcript

The Boss: Our new strategy is to make defective products and charge for technical support.
Heh- heh ...our user manual is totally incomprehensible. we didn't plan it that way - we were lucky,
Dilbert: Im so proud to be here.
The Boss: It all came together when I realized I hate our customers.

Share November 22, 1994's comic on:

Transcript

DOGBERT THE CONSULTANT
Dogbert and the Boss sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "You can gauge your success by the number of repeat customers you have." The Boss says, "I'm proud to say that virtually every customer gets another unit within three months of buying the first one!" Dogbert asks, "What if you don't count warranty replacements?" The Boss replies, "Ooh . . . Then we don't look so good."

Transcript

Dogbert holds a pointer and stands next to the caption, "How Nature Protects Weak Products." The caption says, "First, the engineer pads his schedule." Dilbert and the Boss sit at a conference table. The Boss asks, "Six months?" Dilbert replies, "At least." Dilbert thinks, "One month to build the product and five months to play 'Doom' on my computer." The caption says, "Then the manager pads the schedule as a clever negotiating ploy." The Boss tells an executive, "One year . . . Unless you add people to my tiny empire." The caption says, "Then the vice president pads the schedule to avoid looking bad to the president." The VP kisses the president's toes and says, "Eighteen months." The caption says, "Meanwhile, the sales people are making up numbers because nobody tells them anything." A man tells a woman, "Two months . . . And it solves every problem you have!" The caption says, "This causes the customers to develop irrational desire for the product." A woman says into the phone, "Give me the 'beta' test version in one month." The caption says, "Thus nature disguises weak products as 'beta.'" The woman looks at a device and says, "Cardboard? That's stupid." Dilbert replies, "Oh . . . Then it's beta."

Transcript

Dogbert stands on a podium addressing a crowd of office workers, including Dilbert, Wally and Alice. Dogbert says, "As new owner of this company I hereby ban all meetings over one hour. The dress code is casual. Status reports are optional!" Dogbert continues, "No more mission statements or 'visions.' Our motto is 'have fun, satisfy customers, make money.'" Dilbert sleeps in his chair. In Dilbert's dream, Dogbert concludes his speech to the employees, "And stock options for all." Outside Dilbert's cubicle, Dogbert says to the Boss, "We can fit five more in this cubicle if we remove the chair."