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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

This foreign born B list celebrity who does a little bit of everything and does it annoyingly spent an hour in a club bathroom the other night puking her brains out after trying to prove she could chug an entire bottle of vodka. Nothing says a great night like the cool dirty tiles of a club bathroom stall.

Oh sweet Cara..You can't keep up with a professional drunk like Michelle.

She could have seriously killed herself from alcohol poisoning. Your body is telling you something when yer puking your guts out. And I'll bet she hurt for a few days (at least her ribs and knees) afterwards.

Ah yes, the bathroom floor. Many a night I have spent there, curled up against the porclien throne, begging for my life to end. My friend and I killed a bottle of Captain Morgans, which we chased with flavored Captain Morgan. (We were very smart). To this day, I dry heave when I see a bottle of it.

If you want to enjoy a serious days drinking then there are some easy steps you can take beforehand which should help towards an enjoyable vomit and coma free evening. I speak as a working class Ulsterman of 50 so you can be sure that I know what I'm talking about as regards to this.

1) Eat a hearty meal first. Something with lots of bread, chips or pasta to soak up the first wave of alcohol.This should be obvious but you'd be surprised how many peolle are unaware of it.

2) This might be more problematic and is dependent on the right type of drinking establishment and the cooperation of friendly bar staff and these instructions should be followed carefully as any deviation from them may have disastrous results.

At most old fashioned 'pub' type bars or anywhere that serves cocktails, you may notice that on the shelf behind the barman, along with various exotic bottles of booze, a weird looking bottle about the size of a large bottle of Worcester sauce and bearing a ridiculously large label that seems crammed with tiny newsprint. This is Angostura Bitters and is a potentially poisonous liquid used in tiny doses to colour cocktails.If you are able, ask the bar staff to pour no more than 3 or 4 drops of this into a glass. Then get them to swill it about the glass and pour it out. This means that the bottom of the glass is only lined with the stuff. Then pour in some water, coke, lemonade or an type of soda, as you Yanks insist on calling it, and drink it.Now I cannot stress enough the next point: Do NOT do this if you have already had even the tiniest drop of alcohol. Only do it if you havent started or else violent nausea might result.But if done correctly then this is almost a miracle cure. Especially if you are drinking beer.

3) Go to the toilet as often as is socially possible. Keeping your system moving and stopping the alcohol from settling is very helpful.I understand that in some social circles frequent bathroom visits are looked upon askance as a sign of dependency on other types of recreational chemicals but that is just too bad. But there is also the possibility of combining the purpose of the visits if you are of then inclination. Or even the chance using them to boost your street cred a little if your finances or social contacts are unable to provide you with the above mentioned chemicals.

4) Try not to mix drinks. Another one that like the equality of man and their inalienable rights, seems self evident but are frequently ignored (Dear God arent I throwing you Septics a bone tonight!).If you have to drink a collection of gaudily coloured, ridiculously named and scandalously overpriced drinks, then try, if you can to stick to those based on the same spirit, vodka, gin, etc.

5) Pace yourself. Chugging or gulping it down like its being charged by the amount of time it stays in the glass or bottle (though nothing would surprise me about bar management these days), impresses no-one but the type of retard who laughs at clips of cats falling from trees on Youtube.

Following the above instructions will not guarantee that you will not come round in an ER with your stomach being pumped, but it will guarantee that it will be many hours after your companions have had theirs pumped.And there will be the strong likelihood of you being able to lean on the bar with a raised glass and glint in your eye, like that fella with the hat in that old photo in the opening credits of Cheers, while your friends are unconscious in pools of their own vomit and piss.

In uni when the draft was very cheap and the drink of choice for poor students, we used to order pitchers of water, always free in those days, along with pitchers of beer. You made many trips to the bathroom but as Flashy Vic points out this is a good thing and you don't get as drunk and you don't spend quite as much money.

PS The only problem was the disgusting state of the bathroom, some nights wellies would have been a good choice of footwear between the plugged toilets causing floods, early run out of TP and paper towel and well as already discussed above

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