Prince Charles is driving around the Queen's estate whenhe accidentally runs over her favourite Corgi.

He gets out of the land rover and sits on the grass....distraught....knowing his mother will be furious.

Quite by accident ...he spots a half buried lamp stickingout of the ground.

Immediately after picking it up... and rubbing it...a Genieappears.

"You have saved me from thousands of years of imprisonmentas a reward...I shall grant you one wish".

Charles says...."I have all the material things I need...but do you think you could bring this dog back to life?".

"You ask too much!"...,replies the Genie..."The body is too fargone...It's bones are all crushed...and it's brains are splatteredall over the road...even I could not bring it back to life...perhapsthere is something else you would wish for?".

Charles reaches into his pocket and pulls out two photographs.

He shows the first photo to the genie and says..."I was marriedto this beautiful woman named Diana".

then he shows the Genie the second photograph and says...

"But now I am married to this woman called Camilla...do you thinkyou can make her as beautiful as Diana?".

The Genie studies the two photographs...then says..."Let's haveanother look at that dog".

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

The big Texan was walking down the main street in Ballyblowme when he encountered Liam standing on the pavement beside a horse.

This prompted the Texan to realise a lifelong dream... as he said to Liam... "Say Boy.... that's a fine-lookin horse you all got there... I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in them old days. I'll buy that horse off of you.... how much ya want?".

Liam replied...."To be sure now...an' you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days".

"Hey... Boy"...., said the Texan..." Don't you be trying to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what ain't..... I been tradin` horses all my life ....and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em'..... Now you jes name yer price and we`ll get along jes' fine".

"I'm just saying that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of him".

The Texan was getting angry now.

" Listen up Boy!.... you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes' give me a price and..... I'll pay cash right here and now".

The doctor says....."You know.....I suffered from that type of headache for years too...this is how I cured it.

Every day I'd give my wife oral sex...and just as she was finishingshe'd squeeze her legs together with all her strength...and thepressure would relieve the tension in my head.......try that fortwo weeks...then come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and Sammy is back.

"Doctor"...he says...."I feel wonderful...I haven't had a headachesince I started the treatment...I can't thank you enough".

"No problem....I'm glad to hear you're cured"...replied the doctor.

"Thanks".... says Sammy..."And by the way...you have a lovelyhome".

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

The Nursery school had received a number of complaints from parents regarding the state of a hawthorn hedge that surrounded the schoolplayground.It was so long and thorny in places that several people.....includingchildren...had received nasty scratches.

The town council had rejected all calls to trim the hedge...so the school decided to undertake the task themselves and proposedcutting back the hedge every three months to ensure it stayed inshape and posed no further danger.

To this end......the school formed a special committee of parentvolunteers......each of whom took responsibility for a particular aspect of the operation.

The key area was finance...and since one of the parents was aninvestment banker...the committee thought he would be the idealperson to set up an account from which money could be drawn tocover the costs associated with maintaining the hedge.

Ronaldo... Luis Figo... and Zinedin Zedane are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looked at them and said...

"Before granting you a place by my side.... I must first ask you what your believe is".

Addressing Ronaldo first.... God asked.... "What do you believe?".

Ronaldo looked God in the eye and stated passionately.... "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club".

God looked up and offered Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turned to Luis Figo.... "And you... Luis.... what do you believe?".

Figo stood tall and proud.... "I believe courage.... honour and passion are the fundamentals to life.... and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits".

God.... moved by the passion of the speech offered Figo the seat to his right.

Finally.... he turned to Zinedine Zedane ... "And you Zinedine....what do you believe?".

"I believe"..... says Zinadine ... "you're sitting in my seat".

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

Seated next to an aged rabbi on a transcontinental flight...the eager young priestcouldn't resist the opportunity to proselytize.

''You really should think about coming over to the Roman Catholic Faith.....beingwelcomed into the arms of the Holy Father ''...he enthused. ''It is the only truefaith...you know..only those who believe in the Sacraments shall be admittedto the Kingdom of Heaven when they die''.

The rabbi nodded indulgently..but expressed no interest in the mechanics ofconversation..and eventually the young priest fell silent..depressed by hisfailure.

A little while later..the plane ran into a tremendous hurricane.... Lost powerand crashed into a dense wood.

Miraculously the priest was thrown...unhurt from his seat. When he came toand looked back at the flaming wreckage..the first thing he saw was the rabbimaking the sign of the cross.

Crossing himself and whispering a brief prayer of gratitude...the priest ran overand took his arm.

''Praise the Lord!''...he babbled joyfully. ''You did hear the word after all..didn'tyou?...and just in time for it to comfort you through mortal peril...and you dowish to be saved ...to become one of us now...ALLELUIA!''.

''Vat on earth are you talking about?''...asked the elderly fellow..still rather dazed.

''Sir...I saw it with my own eyes...as you stepped out of the flames...you made thesign of the cross!''.

President Obama and Vice president Joseph Robinette Biden Jrgo into a restaurant.

The waitress comes over and says...''Why..Mr President!... Mr Biden!... what can I get you both?''.

Vice President Biden says...''Yes...we'd like a quickie''.

The waitress leaves all flustered and nervous.

The president turns to Mr Biden and says...

''Joseph...It's pronounced Quiche!''.

St. Timmy's{KAN} Guest

Number of posts : 263Age : 51City/Country : Portland/Tennessee/USAFav MP game : COD Black OpsFav MP map : SummitFav SP game : Hmmm....maybe Skyrim since I have logged many hours playing and messing with mods. Old school game would probably be Duke Nukem.Registration date : 2014-11-24

Vinnie buys a motorcycle from his cousin.he knows the bike is ten years oldbut it shines like it's brand new.

Vinnie says ''how do you keep the bike in such great condition?''.

His cousin says..''Well since you're buying it..I'll tell you.Every time it rains Icover the bike with Vaseline.That way it will never tarnish.It will always lookbrand new and last a hundred years.Just remember..every time it rains cover the motorcycle with Vaseline''.

So..Vinnie hops on his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend.They're ontheir way to his girlfriend's parents house for his first dinner with them. Beforethey arrive..the girlfriend says..''Look..we have a little rule in my house..anybodywho talks during dinner has to do the dishes'',

Vinnie figures it's a little strange..but he'll go along with it. So they get to the houseand walk in. There's dirty dishes on the floor. There's dirty cups and saucers hangingfrom the ceiling. There's bowls and plates with food caked on them. There's one entireroom just filled with dirty silverware.Dishes have been wallpapered and carpeted over.The dishes in this house have not been done since World War Two.

So...they sit down to eat. Vinnie is looking at his girlfriend..and feeling real horny. Hefigures..hey nobody's talking anyway..so he grabs his girl..rips off her clothes..throwsher on the table and in front of her mother and father..bangs her right there on the table.

Nobody says a word. So they keep on eating. They have a little sponge cake..and Vinnieis still horny. He figures..hey the mother looks pretty good. So he grabs her..rips off her clothes..throws her on the table and in front of the father and his girlfriend..bangs the mother right there on the table.

Nobody makes a peep. So..now they're having coffee.

Vinnie happens to look out the window and sees that it's starting to rain..It's going to rain all over his new motorcycle. He jumps up and yells..''hey does anybody have any Vaseline''.

The father shouts back..''Okay!...Okay!...I'll do the fekin' dishes''.

skinman {kan}Member

Number of posts : 3169Age : 72City/Country : over here&nbsp : Clan Member

The President of Indonesia was honoured to receive a special invitation from his Russian counterpart..Vladimir Putin..to visit Moscow.

For three days ..the Indonesian President was wined...dined and generally granted the full extent of Russian hospitality.

On the final day of the visit..Putin said "As your stay is coming to an end..it is time for you to play our traditional gameof Russian Roulette. One of the six chambers of a gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder..point the gun at your head and pull the trigger. You have a one in five chance of living".

The Indonesian President was somewhat startled by the suggestion but knew that his country's pride was at stake.

To show fear would bring disgrace upon his people.So he took the gun..spun the cylinder..and then pulled the trigger.

To his great relief..the chamber was empty. Nevertheless he had been very impressed by the game and thought of how to match it when Putin visited Indonesia the following year.

It was thirteen months later when Putin set foot in Indonesia.

Surpassing even Russian hospitality..the Indonesians plied Putin and his entourage with exotic seafood washed downby generous amounts of alcohol for five days. On the final day...the Indonesian President led Putin to a private roomin the palace and announced..."Now at the end of your visit it is time for you to sample our traditional game..Indonesianroulette".

He then took the Russian leader into a room occupied by six beautiful..naked women.

The Indonesian President declared..."These women are representatives of our country's tribes. Any one of them willgive you a blow job...take your pick".

Putin's eyes lit up at the prospect but he couldn't see the connection with Russian roulette.

"It sounds a great game"..he said.."and I can't wait to play..but where is the roulette part?..where is the danger?".

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airoplane tripback to Washington.

He turned to her and said...."Let's talk. I've heard that journeysseem shorter if you strike up a conversation with the person nextto you".

The little girl said..."okay..what would you like to talk about?".

"Oh...I don't know"...said Obama. "What about the changes I shouldmake to America?".

"Yeah...that would be an interesting topic"...she agreed.

"But first let me ask you a question. "A horse a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff...grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets...while a cowturns out a flat patty...and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Whydo you suppose that is?".

Surprised by the little girl's intelligence...Obama considered the questionfor a few seconds before finally admitting..."I'm sorry I have no idea".

The little girl replied..."So do you really feel qualified to change Americawhen you don't know shit?".

Number of posts : 263Age : 51City/Country : Portland/Tennessee/USAFav MP game : COD Black OpsFav MP map : SummitFav SP game : Hmmm....maybe Skyrim since I have logged many hours playing and messing with mods. Old school game would probably be Duke Nukem.Registration date : 2014-11-24

oh man trump or clinton what a choice,now that is a tragedy.in the meantime we have just had a coup de tar and installed a new prime minister and at present a lame duck of a labour party...along with brexit.... the future is bleak.just as well this is in the official joke section...unfortunately it is anything but!!