Monday, March 9, 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

Ophelia and I had the opportunity to spend our pre-Valentine Day show watching, or rather participating, in Playback Theatre. What is Playback? It's been around a long time, and it's like no other theatre you probably have been to.

In Playback, members of the audience are invited to come up to the stage and tell a story. The theme that night was Valentines Day. So people came up and told their stories. Some were happy, some sad, some angry, and some were inspirational.

The awesome thing about Playback is the general vibe of the audience. Everyone is so open and they are expecting to share a little of themselves for a performance like this.

At one point the host came around asking for an audience member and Ophelia raised her hand. I hid myself in my seat as I fully expected her to share some embarrassing moment involving yours truly.

She started tellling the story of how we first met. Just as I thought I was off the hook she said,"...but one thing that really annoys me about him is that he plays the Bee Gees all the time on the stereo..."

Before I had a chance to register embarrassed I yelled out, "It's NOT the Bee Gees IT'S Andy Gibb!!" No one disses on Andy while i'm around!

As you can probably surmise the Playback Troupe's performance ended with a playful rendition of some 70's disco dancing.

It was a great night. I encourage you to support Playback Theatre. They are all over the U.S. and Canada, and they are not for profit, making ends meet largely on audience donations.

So look up your local Playback and attend! For those survivors of trauma it can be quite therapeutic to see your local playback act out a difficult experience you may have had in the past. It's just another way of speaking out!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

It can be difficult sharing your story of abuse with others. I held onto my secret for over 20 years. The sad thing about holding onto secrets is that it makes you feel like you can't be you. I hate secrets. I had so many and I felt this scraping on my soul for having harbored them. I know that we all have our secrets, it's just part of living I guess. The erosion of ourselves comes when we feel as if we need to cling so tightly to them.

I speak about my abuse publicly, in front of different kinds of people. Many of them are survivors who are still clinging to the secret, trying to find a path to freedom. Many survivors are compelled to finally let someone know that they were abused. This is usually a highly emotional event, sort of like a human volcano erupting. It's been years and sometimes decades that we have been holding this back, this cataclysmic dark negative aura around us.

Even as I have told my story to loved ones and they have accepted it wholeheartedly. Even as I have felt the love and support from many of you out there. Even as, there is still this vestige of shame that is slow to dissipate.

We have been feeling shameful for our thoughts and actions for such a long time, especially those survivors of child abuse. But in our journeys back to the truth, to the free expression of the truth, we shake a little more shame off. Until one day we will reach a point where we fully realize we were not to blame, we didn't ask for this.

I can honestly remember most of the moments where I shook a little more shame off. No matter how far I have gone in my healing I still feel the tingle when I hear your stories because I can relate to these destructive events that happened to you. I can relate to your hope for freedom from the web of abuse you are in. I can be inspired by your path to freedom.

I started reading a book this morning and all those feelings stirred up inside of me again. The disgust, the fear, the deep shame to be who I was. But I wasn't alone. This was the authors story and I felt a little less shame after each turning of the page. I felt all those things that he did, and once again I knew I wasn't the only one.

You are not the only one.

Knowing this brings us out of our lonely, hopeless worlds. So I continued reading the book and felt a sense of relief. Like a gray cloud clearing within me. That all the thoughts in the heads of other survivors were my own. That all the feelings, emotions, and actions that other survivors have taken were my own. I felt relief that I wasn't the only one.

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