Here's Why Looking at Breasts Can Actually Make You Live Longer

Listen, everyone wants to live a long, healthy, and happy life. I know I do. But while there are plenty of ways to up your odds of seeing your 90th birthday, the traditional ways we know all kind of suck.

You know, things like going to bed early, exercising regularly, and eating a sad, dry salad like a farm animal. Boring!

Lucky for you, the folks over at London tabloidThe Sun came up with a list of some relatively easy and very enjoyable ways to get healthy, stay healthy, and live your best life. And yes, the list includes having lots and lots of sex.

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So, behold six amazing ways to live a long and healthy life, all backed by science.

1. Stare at boobs all dayI shit you not, my friends. If you want to live a long and healthy life, you should stare at boobs all day, because boobs make men happy, and happiness is the key to unlocking your full potential. Yay boobs!

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Yaaaaay!

In case you'd like some scientific evidence on this matter, you should know that a 2012 study found that men with coronary heart disease who immersed themselves in positive thinking, a.k.a. thinking about a nice pair of ta-tas, were more likely to exercise for their health.

Similarly, men with high blood pressure were also more likely to follow their medication plan when they thought positively, as opposed to men who didn’t think positively, or in other words, didn't think about breasts often enough.

So, this means that you should think about GIFs of slow-motion bouncing boobs all day, because it will keep you motivated to stay healthy. Science says so.

Are you motivated yet?

2. Have a lot of sexWe already told you that having a lot of sex is basically the best thing you can do for yourself. It protects you from cancer, it keeps your heart healthy, and it helps you sleep better. Not to mention how amazing it feels! And just because, here’s yet another reason why having sex is so good for your health.

A study found that frequent orgasms can decrease your mortality rate by about 50 percent, and increases life expectancy by about eight years, all thanks to the feel-good hormones your brain releases when you have an orgasm.

Well, damn, I guess this really means that sex actually is nature’s best medicine. Three cheers for orgasms!

3. Get marriedIf you were under the impression that marriage is one of the most stressful life events you can experience in your life, you were right. Marriage is incredibly taxing. However, counterintuitively, it’s also something that helps you live longer. Hmm, who knew?

According to a survey of over 127,000 Americans, men who are married live longer than their single, unmarried counterparts, suggesting it’s a good thing to have a life partner who loves you and yells at you about leaving the toilet seat up.

It was also found that men who get married after the age of 25 were more likely to live longer than those who marry young, probably because nobody has their shit together before 25, therefore are more likely to get divorced, which is also incredibly taxing.

4. Have kidsA study published in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health discovered that when men have kids, their life expectancy increases by two years by the time they hit 60, and by the age of 80, life expectancy increases by eight months, compared to childless dudes.

Researchers say that this child-induced increase in life expectancy is due to adopting a healthier lifestyle, because you can’t smoke or get wasted around babies. And generally, dads don’t really have time to get fucked up when they have children to take care of, which definitely translates to living longer.

5. Get a dad bodSpeaking of dads, Yale professor Richard G. Bribiescas says that having a dad bod is healthier than being muscular and super fit, because apparently, portly, well-rounded men are less likely to have a heart attack or prostate cancer, and are more likely to spend time with their kids.

6. Have a sense of responsibility.Not surprisingly, a recent study discovered that having a sense of responsibility is also something that can help you live longer. In the study, researchers found that old people in nursing homes who were given a plant to take care of had better social skills, alertness, and general function relative to old people who didn’t have any responsibilities and played bingo all day, or something.

So, if your lovely children stuff you in a nursing home when you’re old and senile 40 years from now, make sure to bring a plant with you. It’ll keep you sane.