As ‘Head of Homeland Security’ Under Donald Trump, Ann Coulter Promises To Ban Christmas And Easter

Ann Coulter is positively giddy over Donald Trump, sharing her love for Trump and her hatred for everyone who isn’t white during the same Eagle Forum’s Collegian Summit that gave us Steve King’s lawnmower comment and Louie Gohmert’s island experiment.

The Troll Who Stole Christmas

Coulter argued that without Trump nobody would be talking about immigration, and the campaign platforms would be focused exclusively on “transgenderism and gay marriage and global warming.”

“I would like to be the head of Donald Trump’s Homeland Security,” Coulter announced. She added, “I’ll get it all done before breakfast” because she “could kind of guess who the criminals are going to be at least 50 percent of the time.”

According to her, previous generations of immigrants (i.e, the white ones) were more suitable because “people proved their heartiness to get here by vomiting all the way across the Atlantic Ocean.”

If vomiting were all it took to certify citizenship, they could just hand all incoming immigrants a copy of Coulter’s newest book. The one who vomits the most gets the first dibs on citizenship, and beating your head until you black out to dull the pain is cheating.

Coulter said of Ellis Island immigrants, “There was no pussyfooting around,” and, “We’re assimilating you, you’re here and you’re going to be an American. There will be no celebration of Cinco de Mayo, there will be no Ramadan, in fact there won’t even be a Feast of the Immaculate Conception – we are an Anglo-Protestant country, and you will learn about the Battle of Valley Forge.”

So, What Qualifies As A Protestant Holiday?

The Feast of the Immaculate Conception, as you can probably guess, is Catholic. What this means is that Coulter would ban Catholic holidays just like she would ban Muslim and any other religious holidays.

What other holidays would end up getting banned under Coulter? She mentioned Ramadan, Cinco de Mayo and the Feast of the Immaculate Conception because she was speaking to a rabidly racist audience. But here’s a few she conveniently ignored:

If there’s a holiday I left off, it wasn’t intentional; there’s no scriptural support for any holiday except possibly the Jewish High Holy Days, and those would be banned because they’re Jewish. So there you have it, an administration under Ann Coulter, the Troll who Stole Christmas.