Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

March 30, 2005

ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET

Alert Reader Dan McDonald writes:

If I'm not mistaken, Dave wrote a column back in 1995 about a Daoist philosopher lifting heavy objects, ahem, "with his Packwood."

From the column:

The article states that Chan credited his ability to the "breakthrough insights" he had into Daoist philosophy. He claimed that he had 25 disciples, "and most of them could lift up to 13 kg with their private parts." There is no mention of a workout video.

Well, you know THAT was too good to last. Presenting, the workout video.

. . .I dunno -- I'd buy it if I thought that lifting 50 pounds with my wang would stop an attacker. Prolly just stand there in an amazed trance while a) that weight swings menacingly 'tween my legs or b) in shock hearing the ripping sound and watching my bloodied wang twitch on the ground.

I'm having trouble figuring out how this might come in handy. I mean, girls, is this a pretty good pickup routine?

"Can I buy you a drink?"
"I don't think so."
"What if I can lift your stool, with you on it, using only Mr. Wiggly. Then I can I buy you a drink?"
"Not only that, but I'll want to do things to you that before now I considered too kinky to even consider!"

Ah! After further study (for which we received a large grant) bigger boobs, while a potential fire hazard, could save your life if you are ever at sea. They could be used as life preservers. Of course, the men who try to hang on will die of asphixiation instead of drown, but initially they saved their lives.

So the benefits outweigh the negatives. We will however, take into consideration the fire hazard and in furture issue disclaimers on all boobs surgically enhanced.

Somewhere, re: your comment about boobs saving lives if lost at sea, I heard very recently (within the past week) something about a boatload of people that really were lost at sea and a lactating mother "fed" the group, keeping them alive until they were rescued.