PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

The whole Ground Zero mosque thing where liberals are convinced its bigotry to even for a second use any critical thinking whatsoever about a Muslim’s motivations is pretty odd. Most people when they hear some Muslims want to build a mosque as close as possible to ground zero would get a little suspicious — because that’s the rational response — but the liberals just clamped their hands over their years and yelled, “Bigotry!” over and over.

Here’s the liberal thinking as I see it. We had a bunch of Muslim terrorists kill thousands of people. So people, naturally are suspicious of Muslims, even though most Muslims in this country wouldn’t kill anyone. Thus, people want Muslims checked when they go on an airplane, but that’s discriminatory so we end up also checking 80-year-old white women just to be fair. And then the liberals comes along and says, “Know what would be really non-discriminatory? We don’t ever check any Muslims to really show them we trust them and only scrutinize 80-year-old white women.” And thus they lost the rational point in the symbolism — that there are a few Muslims we still need to scrutinize — but they’ll scream bigotry if you try and point that out to them.

So point is, as always, liberals are idiots and should never be listened to on any serious subject. Instead of national policy, put them in charge of decorations for the homecoming dance or something.

Our enemies just aren’t going to take Obama seriously unless we find some way to butch him up somehow. Here are some ideas:

* Make him part cyborg, like Cheney.

* Make him look more muscular by giving him fake muscles molded from Michelle Obama’s arms.

* Get him fool pitying lessons from Mr. T (but make sure it doesn’t devolve into self-pity).

* If he needs an anecdote things getting more expensive, instead of talking about the price of organic arugula at Whole Foods, have him mention the rising costs of chainsaws at Home Depot or talk about how expensive ammo is getting.

* Do something about those ears; he looks like Mickey Mouse.

* When he’s angry, make sure he doesn’t use the phrase “Wee wee’d up.” Actually, try in general to keep him from talking like a three-year-old.

* Have him constantly inhale sulfur hexafluoride gas so he’ll have a deep, intimidating voice.

* You can’t keep people from comparing him to Spock, but you can at least stop giving him a bowl cut and take away his toy tricorder.

* Instead of a dorky bike helmet, how about one of those WWI helmets with the spike on top. And instead of a Schwinn, how about a Harley. And instead of Obama, how about an actor stand in like Samuel L. Jackson.

It’s really looking that way. Gallup has Republicans leading in a generic ballot by 10 points. A five point lead was the highest Republicans ever had in the history of Gallup, and for comparison I believe Republicans were tied with Democrats in the poll in 1994.

The only thing, of course, is that Republicans still suck and we expect them to disappoint us quickly after they’re elected. And polls still show that in general people don’t like Republicans. Still, it’s a different “not like” versus people not liking Democrats right now. It’s like not liking the over-talkative guy at work versus not liking a serial rapist.

Anyway, don’t get cocky, but at least be prepared for monumental gloating on November 3rd.

I don’t listen to excuses. It’s not that I don’t like excuses; I just hate listening.

The next door neighbor has chickens and they’re always clucking at me. It’s like living next door to Gob Bluth.

I really like Modern Family, yet I still don’t get all the over the top love for it.

2nd draft of novel finished. 87,000 words – a little shorter than I was hoping. Plan to bulk it up a bit in the final draft. I like writing dialog, but I hate writing descriptions. Descriptions are… something.

I remember this long bit of text – I think by Dickens – that was just describing one tree. Very admirable. And boring.

Not quite sure what the next step is after I finish my novel, but I’m pretty sure phase 3 is “Profit.”

All the weirdos on True Blood are starting to make me miss the sparkly vampires.

I’m going to try a few things at home, and if it turns out poorly I’ll warn people not to try those things at home.

I’m only 31, and I’m not sure that’s quite old enough to be ranting about kids these days, but I am conservative so it does seem like I might as well get an early start. Anyway…

Have you seen kids these days and their video games? Kids just don’t appreciate what a video game is really about. If they tried playing Donkey Kong, after a few minutes they’d say, “Now how do I get online to pwn some n00bs?” Back in my day, video games weren’t about pwning n00bs and there wasn’t a line to be on. Video games were just about demonstrating your individual skill and getting a high score so you could put your initials in as “ASS”.

And what’s with all the story in video games? Video games these days all need to have cut scenes and voice acting. What for? Back in my day, video games didn’t have stories. Why did Pac-Man need to eat all the dots on the screen? Because it was a video game and that was the objective, that’s why. If I wanted a story, I’d have a read a book. And I never did.

And what’s with all the sandbox games? So many games these days just let you wander around and do nothing in particular, and kids these days think that’s so cool. “Wow; I can just run around town doing whatever I want!” I already have a place I can wander around aimlessly, though: It’s called life. In a video game, I want set objectives and I want to get them done. If I wanted to wander around aimlessly for hours I’d go to Home Depot.

And finally, because of their video games, kids these days don’t value life anymore. They have their home consoles with Grand Theft Auto, and if they die they just wake up at the hospital and get back to things like nothing happened. But back in my day, we knew the value of life: Three lives for a quarter. That’s right: Lives used to cost money. And that made them precious. Kids these days don’t appreciate that.

So Glenn Beck held a rally in DC over the weekend, and… Well, I don’t really know what the point of it was. I guess I’m not a rally person. But man, did liberals freak out about it. That’s a lot of people who showed up because they don’t like the way the liberals are running things. But don’t worry: The liberals’ hive mind came up with a way to try and dismiss the whole thing: It was predominantly white.

Isn’t it just a little creepy that predominantly white journalists are as racially obsessed as the KKK? And what if they applied this race obsession to everything else?

“Today, the predominantly white White House Press Corps asked questions about the president’s predominantly white cabinet. The predominantly white Robert Gibbs assured them that they were working towards the best interests of the predominantly white United States of America, but he had to cut questions short as he was going on vacation with his predominantly white family. Now, stay tuned for the Emmy-winning, predominantly white Modern Family. Predominantly white people love it!”

Anyway, predominantly white liberals can find all the reasons they want to dismiss people’s concerns about this country, but it will be a bunch of predominantly white Democrats who will be getting dismissed in November.

If I had to name one thing that was liberals biggest problem election-wise, it’s their inability to listen. That wasn’t a big a problem when they were out of power and the opposition, but it’s destroying them now. Liberals like to think the right is crazy and angry, but the right actually does understand the liberals viewpoint. And rejects it. The left, though, doesn’t understand the right; they’re too busy screaming “bigot” and “racist” to even understand what the right is objecting to. While in power, they’ve ignored everyone’s concerns — even deriding those concerns they don’t even understand — and that’s just suicide in a democracy. Now the American people are done listening to the left; I’d say at least 60% of American stop paying attention to the left as soon as they make accusations of racism and bigotry — and that number is only rising. Just look at all the big issues lately: The more the left shouts, the more people turn against them. It’s not so much the Tea Party is so popular as it’s baiting liberals into being even more unpleasant and unlikeable.

That’s the nice thing about the system we have; no matter how much some people scream or cry, they don’t get to ignore election results.

Iran has their own armed aerial drone. According to experts, it sucks, but at least they seem to be making advancements in naming them as [Google “Iran President”; cut and paste name here] called the drone the “ambassador of death.” So what would you name your UAV? Here are some of my ideas:

The Diplomat of Destruction
The Monarch of Murder
The Archduke of Annihilation
The Emperor of Explosions
The Prime Minister of Pain
The Senator of Slaying
The Comptroller of Killing
The Member of the House of Lords of Making People Not Alive Anymore
Mr. Explodey

You almost have to feel for the liberals at this point. They keep getting so close to that example of right-wing violence and hate that they’re salivating over, and then Lucy keeps pulling away the football. It’s like liberals have gotten so annoying, they’ve actually annoyed God, and now He is toying with them.

It was hoped liberals would calm down a bit after Obama was elected, but they only got even more hysterical and paranoid. Maybe then they’ll calm down a bit if there’s a huge Republican wave in November. All this power the liberals currently have to bitterly cling to is making them cranky.

The trash cans have chips inside that can tell when you take the recycle can to the curb … and when you don’t. And that’s the key. When you don’t … and if it thinks you’ve gone too long without taking out recyclables, it will contact the city and tell them. Then they send a trash cop out to look around in your trash.

I don’t think I like the idea. Because, well, what has Cleveland ever done that was a good idea? No, really. Okay, they signed Jim Brown to play football, but that was 53 years ago. And he quit playing football after nine years. Even a bad-ass like Jim Brown couldn’t stomach Cleveland for too long.

Smart trash cans isn’t along the line as sign-Jim-Brown-to-play-football smart. It’s stupid. The trash cans are smart, but the whole idea is stupid.

Really, do you want your trash can calling and telling on you? I bet even Oscar the Grouch wouldn’t want a tattle-tell trash can.

But, maybe, just maybe, we can use that technology for something good instead of narcing on you about recycling.

For instance, we could put those chips in Obama’s golf clubs. Then, if he goes too long without taking the clubs to a golf course, then me might be in Washington trying to screw up the country some more. It could call someone who would send him a free pass to a golf course. As long as Obama is hitting the links, he’s not hitting the economy in the nuts.

There could be chips placed on Democrat Congressmen. When too many get together at one time, you know they’re planning something bad. So, it would call Fox News or Andrew Breitbart and they’d show up with a camera, scaring the Democrat Congressmen back into their little holes in the ground.

They could put one on Rosie O’Donnell. That way, whenever she showed up somewhere, it could call anyone in the area so they could run away.

One on Al Gore could call the police whenever he got near a masseuse.

One on Barney Frank could call the police whenever he went out in public.

One on Roman Polanski could call all the parents of teenage girls so they could hide their daughters.

One on Ron Paul could call everybody whenever he went somewhere. His supporters would all show up, and the rest of us could go somewhere else, confident that we’d be free of them for a few minutes.

So, maybe we could take the technology Cleveland is using to play trash police and put it to some good use.

Apparently Japan has a Democratic Party (which makes sense since the country has been like in a recession for twenty years), and for some reasons he gave some speech in which he called American “simple-minded.” Okay, where do other countries get this idea that they’re smart and America is stupid? If other countries are full of smart people, then how come they suck so much? Isn’t that a definitive measure of how smart you are: Your country’s awesomeness? And America continues to be way more powerful, richer, and influential than any other country out there.

It’s like a squirrel saying, “Americans are so stupid; they can’t even scamper up trees.” But what we can do is capture the squirrel in little cages, put them in homemade PVC pipe bazookas, and fire them through the air showing once and for all who sucks and who is awesome. And since Japan doesn’t really have much of an army, we can pretty much do the same to them.

I think a reason Republicans are going to do really well in November is that while when Obama was elected people had a hope of him making things better, people absolutely know for certain that Republicans will make things better.

Look at this way: In 2008, America was feeling really sick and crummy. And then comes along Dr. Obama who said, “I can make you all feel better!” And everyone was really hopeful that was true — despite a few suspicions since Dr. Obama didn’t have any diplomas hanging on the wall. So America hired Obama… who then started to hit us repeatedly in the crotch. And we were all like, “Ow! Stop that! Stop that now!” And Dr. Obama said, “Shut up, stupid! I don’t have to listen to you!” And then Dr. Obama’s Democrat congress assistants held us down so he can punch us even easier.

So now it’s 2010 and people are looking to Dr. GOP. And given Dr. GOP’s record, they’re not very hopeful he’ll actually be able to cure what originally was ailing America. But there is one thing America knows for certain: The GOP will be able to get Obama to stop hitting us repeatedly in the crotch, making us all feel a ton better. And guaranteed results like that is a powerful thing.

In my new Pajamas Media column, I describe the problems in our representative government and my solution to better keep Congress in its place. How do you think we can best let Congress know how their rank in society?

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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