I'm autistic, ex-bipolar, and attracted to other guys (gay/SSA/whatever). More importantly, I'm a son of God and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). My life is usually amazing. This is my story of hope, happiness, and faith.

Monday, December 3

I can feel it beginning to happen. It's the feeling that comes right as my brain is about to switch. Switch from normal, and ok, to totally not ok, withdrawn, and depressed.

Part of me is screaming that I need to go to the gym. Right now. And exercise until my mind promises to switch back. I know it works. Something keeps the switch from happening, and the crisis is resolved.

But I have class in the morning at 6:00, a presentation in the afternoon, and more homework than I could ever imagine. I'm running low on sleep in the first place. It's already after 9:00 at night. And the exercise doesn't work unless I go and work out for hours. So part of my brain is just telling me to go to sleep and maybe it won't happen. Maybe the feeling is wrong and I'm not going to switch. Or at least I can wait until tomorrow to work out. I could go to my 6:00 class and then go work out for a few more hours.

But the other side is still shouting. "Can't you see? Can't you see the deferral of time, the slow loss of desire, the withdrawal when you left the ward Christmas party early... are all major signs that it's happening? You need to do something fast before this ruins the last week of school."

I'm tired. But being depressed is way worse than being tired. And once the switch has happened, it's way harder to make it go back.

4 comments:

And a few hours later, my brain is so much better. Or at least feels like it is. I've replaced apathy with just exhaustion and dizziness, and the fuzziness that comes when I've pushed my body to the limit. Isn't that amazing? I am so tired. Maybe I'll convince coach to count my midnight workout in place of class.

And in the morning I still felt good. I wonder if there's actual replicability in this - any other bipolars out there who can tell when they're about to switch into depression... and who would be willing to try out an intervention to keep that from happening?

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