Relationships; Compromise vs Collaboration

How do you know there is trouble in river city in a relationship? The first way is look at their social media pages. Clue #1 is changing the profile picture from a photo of a couple to solo shot. When is true trouble on the horizon? When the status changes from “in a relationship” to “single” or “it’s complicated.” I know this is basic stuff but I wanted to write about it for two reasons and they are interrelated; A) The need for Emotional Intelligence B) What are the ingredients for a lasting relationship?

For younger folks and the “Emotional Cripples” it seems like common place to air their dirty laundry on social media. I see some stuff I shake my head at and think, “what the … is going on?” This past election and the aftermath is a great example. By the way, if you are in business your personal political beliefs and feelings are not to be aired in public, well, unless you do not give a crap about your business or if your business is politics!

Airing your relationship ups and downs on social media is frowned upon. Ranting about how screwed up a lover or friend is, will only make you feel a little better for a short time. Beyond that, odds are you will make up and now everyone believes the negative crap you promulgated. Side note, if you are a friend, do not “comment” when your buddy rips their lover or friend in public. It makes for a weird time next time you guys all roll together!

Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions via self-talk, asking yourself questions such as; what is my role in this? What is his/her role in this? Could I be over reacting? Could I be wrong in my assessment of him/her or their actions? …

The ingredients of a successful relationship are in direct proportion to our level of emotional intelligence coupled with our commitment to love. Love can be defined and used grammatically in many ways. For the purposes of this essay I want to look at love as a commitment. To love another, we must have the emotion of love, be attracted to the person, mentally, spiritually and physically. To have a lasting relationship we must make the “decision” to love that person through thick and thin. To recognize that the one we love is not perfect, will make mistakes and so will we. If you truly are in love and committed, then and only then will the rest of this essay make sense for you.

We must recognize the difference between Compromise and Collaboration. A quick search for the definitions by dictionary.com finds:

Compromise: a settlement of differences by mutual concessions.

Collaborate: to work, one with another; to cooperate.

What is the difference between the two in a relationship? First, we need to identify what meaning (Emotional IQ) we have linked the situation to in the relationship. For instance, possibly in the past you were cheated on and the situation is similar. Ask yourself the questions you need to determine fact from fiction. Second, when or if you recognize you are not in a reactionary mode and your issue is about fulfilling your needs in the relationship and not about a distortion, then a collaboration between you and your partner is in order. Healthy relationships rely on this.

Compromising tends to bring out winners and losers. When you feel like you are compromising you are hesitant and will use this feeling in the next negotiation! Yes, negotiation, because when you are compromising you are negotiating.

Collaborate and you are truly seeking win-win! How do you do that? First a period of reflection is needed, followed by a brief discussion with your partner of what is going on for you and a request to set up time to discuss at a mutually agreed upon time and safe place. Sometimes a skilled therapist or counselor may be in order. But, make sure you interview them prior to agreeing on the therapist/counselor and never accept a counselor that has any other relationship with you or your partner. They must be completely neutral and more importantly they must be “teachers” of communication techniques and not the prototypical “problem finders/solvers.”

The bottom line is simple, we do not get through life alone. We need companionship and we all need love, affection, and respect. We all want to be wanted, admired and once again, LOVED!