Flashes of Soul

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Here's a monologue I wrote last year for a theater class. I got it from a ton of videos I found online and from someone I actually met. His name was Jason, hence the title. Jason is a 12-13 year old schizophrenic living in a psychiatric ward.
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JasonI was a baby when my parents knew something was wrong with me.They say I would stare at things they couldn’t see.When I got older, it got worse.I would hurt myself.Everyday I saw heard or felt things that didn’t exist.I tried not to listen to them, butthey threatened me.They said they would kill me if I didn’t do what they said.When I was nine, I wanted it to stop.I was tired of suffering and hurting myself and others.I tried to kill myself.I was put into a hospital for a couple of weeks.The doctors wouldn’t let me out of their sight.They tried different medicines to help me but none of them worked.The voices and visions became more frequent.The nurses had taken away everything I could hurt myself with.I was so desperate, that at night when they thought I was asleep,I would furiously rub the backs of my hands on the carpet.This would leave big burns on my hands.Even now, three years later in a different hospital,I do the same thing.The medication I take helps me stay in control, butthe voices are still there.Last night they yelled at me.I was in the common room before bed with the other patients.Ghostlike visions filled the room all yelling at me to hurt others.In a state of terror, I started throwing chairs at the other kids.They tried to calm me down but my body was no longer in my control.Nurses ran in and took me to an empty room.They gave me a shot that made me sleep for a long time.My parents discussed long term care with my family.Tomorrow I will be permanently moved to another hospital.The only thing I have to comfort me when I am scared is other kids.They are the only ones who truly understand what I’m going through.(pauses...gets scared)I’m tired now.I want to leave. That man over there, he’s trying to kill me!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

A vast expanse of nothingness is an adequate description of my mind today. Sure, I have painfully simple thoughts and opinions but they don’t concern anything important. It is a queer feeling. I saw a couple friends at the pool today, yet I said hello and was not obliged to say anything else. I watched plainly as they walked away and continued their lives. I don’t feel upset in any way. It’s almost like I am alive today for the sole purpose of being. I’m not a friend, daughter, cousin, sister, or even really anything. I’m just a speck on the windshield of life. It is not a bad feeling at all, but quite different from anything I have ever experienced. I have always been concerned or worried about something. But for the first time in my life, I honestly have nothing to think about. No cares in the world. Or maybe that’s too harsh. I do care about a lot of things, just not to the extent I usually do. My mind is overwhelmed with the knowledge that I should be going crazy right now. My mind is full of waves. Thoughts roll in quickly and stay for a moment, before being retracted back into the sea of my soul.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I don't remember the exact feeling I had there. But I know it was similar to apathy. I don't really know what else to say about it, so that's it.

I wrote this poem on the 27th. Hopefully now that I started this blog, I can post my writing the day I write it. But until I have more recent work, I will continue posting old work. But anyway, I wrote this piece when I was just chilling in bed and the thought sprung up.:

What is life?
A compilation of moments.
Simple things, often forgotten.
I have had many thrills,
Exciting experiences most don't get.
But when I ponder my life,
That isn't what I see.
I close my eyes and watch my autobiography.
My most precious memories are so simple;
Playing with my pets, Playing in the bathtub as a child.
What happened to all the birthdays, Christmases, and other celebrations?
Do I have even the slightest recollection?
I can't remember milestones that I should.
Most of my memories are upsetting.
I don't regret them.
But, they are times of grief, abandonment, anger.
Fear. Attraction. Love.
I feel that I am not alone in this mindset,
But most don't take the time to discover it.
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I'm not sure how I can really explain this one, as it was more of an emotion I was describing than an idea. This is a completely rough draft; I didn't edit it at all. It came straight from a page of my journal. I don't know exactly what it means to me, so it would be great if people could post what it means to them. I'm incredibly curious.

Dark cherry red lips on a freckled pale face
Young, worn eyes framed in thunder
Stretched upon decades of degraded sand.
Flame red hair pulled back
Whipping through the misty salt air
Top half drinking energy from the sun
Strength seeping in from the rocky pillow below
Thoughts steeping from her pores
Drifting in the endless breeze.
To where the sea meets the sky
and there put to rest
and the girl falls into deep slumber
baking in the warmth
dreaming for eternity of an alternate life.
A life lived deep in the ocean
and someday catching up to those thoughts.
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A few days before writing this, I had been told that my imagery isn't the best, so I really tried to work on that. To me, this is about me laying on the beach and what my thoughts were. In a way, I was able to take all my stress and problems and push them away until the next day at home. I was able to just relax and think deeper, more meaningful thoughts. It was a really nice feeling.

I really appreciate all advice and ideas, as it helps me improve my work. So whoever reads this, please say whatever you think of it.