Thursday, October 27, 2005

Son of The Definitive Halloween Candy List

Well, Halloween approacheth. While I have been too pooped out from my recent surgery (not in pain, thank goodness, just low on energy) to cook up any particularly festive goodness - not even a lame-o costume - I do still count it as one of my favourite nostaligic celebrations. So, while I could spend my limited time not working or napping complaining that I'm tired, broke and can't find one measly box of freakin' Count Chocula anywhere 'round these parts, I will instead resurrect my comprehensive list of candy treats for the trickiest of holidays. Now remember, these were things I could find in my bag in the 70s and 80s, so your current or older mileage may vary. For a look at more recent ghoulish confections, check out this X-E article. And while you're at it, check out the paintable pumpkin peeps (and say that 5 times fast). If you happen to find some, I'd be happy to share an evening frosting marshmallows with you. That is not a euphemism.

$100,000 Bar

Chewy caramel, milk chocolate and crispy crunchies. Later changed to "100 Grand," which annoyed me, 'cause I liked the old jingle.

3 Musketeers

Puffy nougat covered in milk chocolate. Light and sweet. The major appeal for me was the cool Musketeers emblem. I always wanted to be a Musketeer.

5th Avenue

Probably my favourite of the crunchy peanut stuff in chocolate variety, just because of the swank name and wrapper design.

Almond Joy & Mounds

Because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't!
Have I mentioned I really dig coconut?

Apple

Watch out for razor baldes!

Astro Pops

I know a kid on Gun Hill Road who got his eye put out by one of those things!

Atomic Fire Balls

The classic hot cinnamon ball of the time. Only a quick burn before you got to the sweet part.

Bar None bar

A brief-lived chocolate, wafer and nut bar. Pretty good.

Baby Ruth

Nuts, caramel and chocolate, in a fetching red-white-and-blue wrapper. The most interesting thing about this candy bar is the controversy over its name.

Bazooka gum

Rock hard and covered in powder, an American classic. Came with cartoon strips that were never funny, and offers for items in exchange for 7 bajillion wrappers. Did anyone ever send in for those things?

BB Bat

Hard taffy on a stick, like a fruity Sugar Daddy. Acceptable.

Beeman's gum (Blackjack, Clove & regular)

VERY rare in my era of Trick-or-Treating but classic. Either you love 'em or you hate 'em. I fall on the loving side.

Big League Chew

"The Original Tobacco style Bubble Gum!" Shredded gum in a pouch originally invented to turn ballplayers off from tobacco, but actually a great way to train your kids for the weed and the throat cancer. The best part of this was the ad campaign of ball players playing ball and blowing huge bubbles, and the drawings on the pouches that looked like they were by one of the Mad magazine illustrators.

Bit O Honey

Almond bits blended into a honey flavored taffy. A danger to your fillings but sooooo addictive! If you were lucky enough to get a whole bar of these divided by the distinctive interwoven wax paper, you might try to save some for later - but always fail.

Blow Pops

The classic sugary bubble gum inside a lollipop. A bit sweet for me, but fondly remembered.

Came in all different kinds of packaging designed to look like popular deathstick brands. Tasted like crap, but they made you look too cool and grown-up to resist.

Candy Corn

Dare I say it? THE ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN CANDY.
Brach's is the hands-down favourite version, made softer and richer with a touch of honey. "Indian" candy corn and even pumpkin and other novelty shapes are acceptable for kitsch value, but the standard orange, yellow and white type is still number one.Which section of each kernel do you eat first?

Candy Necklaces and Bracelets

The number one way to be stylin' AND chip-toothed.

Charleston Chew

Sort of a taffy-ish nougat in vanilla, chocolate or strawberry, covered in chocolate. They were a favourite with my older siblings, especially frozen into cement-like blocks. Not high on my list back then, but bring some nostalgia.

Charms

Square hard fruit candies. Whatever. Good name, though.

Cherry Clan

Ooh, me so racist! Later renamed to "Cherryheads" to go with the other varieties in the Lemonhead family, but who can forget the slanty eyed-little buggers in straw coolie hats? I think I was horrified even then.

Chiclets

The name and advertising made them seem so fun, but really? Just little rectangles of hard gum. What a disappointment.

Chick-O-Sticks

Apparently, these were quite popular with some people. I don't know if I ever ate one, as the once or twice I got one I mistakenly took it for a cylindrical form of Chicken-in-a-Biskit and traded them off.

Chocodiles

Yes, one did occasionally get snack cakes in one's treat bag (or jack-o-lantern shaped plastic bucket, as the case may be), and if one did, it was most likely these, due to their popularity and the fact that they came in single packets. Basically a Twinkie covered in chocolate, but definitely a product kids of my generation were screaming for after seeing the lovable cartoon crocodile mascot, "Chauncey."

Choward's Violet gum and candies

Not common in trick-or-treat sacks but a classic nonetheless. Taste like that perfume you were given as a kid. No, not the Love's Baby Soft, the Violet! Duh.

Chuckles

Your standard sugar coated jelly-gum drops. Bleah.

Chunky

Ah, yes. Your basic huge block of chocolate. My favourite was the raisin and nut variety. Open Wide For Chunky!

Circus Peanuts

Evil. EEEEE-VIIIILLLLL!!!

Clark Bar

Another one in the vein of 5th Avenue and Butterfinger. I believe this is the earliest version, though. Nice wrapper.

Cow Tails

I didn't get many of these, but they are basically a long version of the Goetze's Caramel Creams. I never was sure whether I found the name attractive or off-putting.

Cracker Jack

Not usually found in treat bags as the boxes were pretty big, but OH BOY if you got one! Slightly over-caramelized sugar on popcorn with peanuts, AND a surprise treat with a joke or riddle. Too bad the surprises have been getting lamer and lamer as time goes by.

Dentyne

What the…? You've been given adult cinnamon gum! KAAAAHHHHHNNN!!!

Dots

Another gum drop incarnation of the slightly firmer type. Meh.

Dubble Bubble

Remember when you used to, like, blow a big bubble? And then, no wait, you would, like, blow ANOTHER big bubble INSIDE of that one? Yeah. You could do it with any other bubble gum, too.

Dum Dum Pops

Does it get any more iconic? Root Beer and cream soda flavours were high on my list, but who could resist the mysterious ? flavour?

Freshen Up

A gum with a syrupy liquid inside. The commercials made it look like a huge burst of flavour. Not so much.

Fruit Stripe Gum

Yipes, stripes! It's Fruit Stripe gum!! SOOOO awesome. That zebra! Those stripes! That strikingly tart-sweet fake fruit flavour that fades in seconds! And later on it came with temporary tattoos?! Bow before their majesty.

Garbage Pail Candy

Hard, sour candy shaped like various pieces of garbage that came in a small replica of a garbage can. Dig it.Not to be confused with…

Garbage Pail Kids Candy

A chewy candy that came with a card featuring one of the popular 80s gross-out cartoon characters, the Garbage Pail Kids.
These kids were a phenomenon born from an unholy union of Rat Fink and Cabbage Patch Dolls. Not my cup of tea, but very popular.
Note: and yes, there was a Garbage Pail Kids movie.

GatorGum

Gum made to taste like Gatorade. Hmm. Do I hate it, or do I love it? Well, I'll keep trying it to make up my mind.

Gobstopper

Otherwise known as the Everlasting Gobstopper. Balls made up of layers of candy that change colours AND flavours as you suck them away. Pure genius!

Goetze's Caramel Creams

Now this is old school, son. A little carboard-y, a lot sweet, 100% memory lane.

Goldenberg's Peanut Chews

I think I just had an orgasm. Again, like the caramel creams, a bit oddly carboard-y, but rich and addictive. Slightly bitter dark chocolate surrounding a fudgy chopped peanut filling. And who else has the guts to include a name like "Goldenberg" in their candy's moniker? NB: Since the original writing of this list it has come to my attention that the Goldenberg company has changed the old, familiar packaging to a new, "playful" version. I am not amused. What's next, "New" Coke? Oh, wait a minute...

Gimme a break! Wafers and milk chocolate. Not high up there, but the chocolate was deceptively good.

Kits Taffy

Weird little low-quality taffy bits. Why did we love them so?

Laffy Taffy

Kicks Kits' butt, if just for the name alone. Not to mention the greater size.

Lemonheads (+Grapeheads and Appleheads)

A series of slightly sour hard sucker candies. Lemonheads was the first and most popular.

Lifesavers

Oh, you know. The only cool part was when you got something like Wint-O-Green so you could try to make sparks in your mouth or Butter Rum so you could think "Oooh, I'm eating RUM and my parents don't know it!"

Lifesaver Lollipops

Do they still make these? Remember when they came in swirled flavours? Good times. The Crème Savers are just not the same. Bring them back. And while you're at it, where the hell are the Pudding Pops?!

Lik-M-Aid

Wait, you get a stick of sugar, and you get to cover it in spit and then dunk into different varieties of sweet-sour powder? I am SO THERE.

M&Ms (plain and peanut)

Old faithful. You know 'em. But remember when they were tan and not red?

Mallow Cup

Truly seems like a candy Homer Simpson would have invented.

Marathon

1 inch by 8 inches of braided caramel covered with milk chocolate. Delicious, but discontinued. Now available as the "Curly Wurly." Who thought that one up?

Mars Bars

Kind of like a milky way with almonds. Originally more often found in the UK.

Mary Janes

Most people hated them, but I loved them. That peanutty taffy goodness! That coy, come-hither look on the little girl's face! Definitely a treat for a developing lesbian.

Melster Peanut Butter Kisses

Much like Mary Janes, but with no name on 'em. Oh, come on, you remember them. They came in orange waxy twisted wrappers. Yes, they had a name. Yes, usually old people gave them out. Remember now?

Why? Why on God's green Earth are these so beloved? I would have used them as poker chips, if they didn't all break in the bottom of my bag.

Neopolitan Coconut candies

I know, ew. But, kinda yum, too.

Nerds

A box with two separated flavours and some cute little cartoons really sold this one. Admit it - you loved 'em.

Nestlé Crunch

(Yawn.) Moving along…

Now and Laters

Eat some now and save some for later? Yeah, right. These rocked with a severe righteousness. Also, you could build up a little business of selling off the singles from the packs at a ridiculous markup to desperate kids in the cafeteria. What? No, I didn't end up a Wall Street trader…

You know the ones. Those little balls or discs covered in brightly decorated seasonal foil wrappers. You open them up and… the chocolate is seriously foul. They also made those chocolate footballs - you know, the ones that always ended up at the bottom of the bag as the dregs? I hear Palmer's has improved a lot since back then, but for now all ridiculously bad and disappointing off-brand chocolates will retain the name "Palmer's" in my mind.

Pay Day

Gotta love me some peanuts. Of course, you can simulate these with a bowl of candy corn mixed with Planter's.

Pixy Stix

SUGAR HIIIIIGH!!!

Planter's Peanut Bar

Your basic very peanutty brittle thingy. Satisfying.

Pop Rocks

Yes, they rocked. No, Mikey didn't die by eating them with Coke. Haven't you watched VH1?

Push Pops

I don't know. These seem dangerous, somehow.

Rain-Blo Gum

Er. Kinda lame hollow gumballs. Okay.

Raisinets

Oh, you know.

Raisins

Just... no.

Razzles

"…first it's a candy and then it's a gum!" Unfortunately, the whole time it sucks.

Red Vines/Switzer's/Twizzlers

Everybody has their favourite version of these, but they're basically red fruity "licorice". Only good in a pinch, as far as I'm concerned.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

ALL HAIL THE REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP!!!
So simple yet so perfect in it's salty sweet-ness, this was the number one sought-after item in my treat bucket. WOE BE TO THE MAN WHO EATS MY PEANUT BUTTER CUPS! I HAVE SPOKEN!

Reese's Pieces

E.T…. phone home…
I'm sure Mars, Inc is still kicking themselves.

Reggie Bar

Only memorable for having been named for Reggie Jackson.

Ring Pops

Candy Bling!

Rolo

You can roll a Rolo to your pal… but why would you? Save them all for yourself.

Root Beer Barrels

Me and pappy used to suck 'em on th' porch at th' gen'ral store. Pappy liked 'em cause he didn't have no teeth.

Runts

What was so good about pressed candy shaped like fruits? I don't know, but didn't you always save your favourite fruits
for last?

Sixlets Gum

Kind of like Rain-Blo but a bit better, and more attractively packaged, 'cause… there were six.

Skor Bar

Another classy toffee bar variety, but this time with a harder butter toffee. And yes, I did know a girl who went on a Skor Bar diet in High School.

Sky Bar

This candy bar is divided into four sections with four different centers... caramel, vanilla, peanut and fudge covered in milk chocolate. Pretty awesome, but it would be better if the candy itself
were of higher quality.

Smarties/Rockets

Little rolls of pill-like sugar candies. A bit overrated, in my book, but much reminisced over in pop culture.

Smith Bros. Cough Drops

What, you never got these as a treat from some cheap-ass jokester? Hey, they were really candy, anyway…

Snickers

A Milky Way with peanuts. What will they think of next?

Snowcaps

Nonpareils, mon ami. But of course.

Sour Patch Kids

One of the first seriously sour candies. Frightening, yet compelling.

Squirrel Nut Zippers

Another peanutty taffy thingy. Very popular in the South. Got a band named after 'em.

Squirt

Like Freshen Up, but more hyped.

Starburst

Probably the best known of the fruit taffy chews. Remember when they only came in the yellow wrapper variety?

Starlight peppermints

Okay, whose freakin' grandma put these in here? No, I do not want fresh breath, it's HALLOWEEN for f**k's sake!

Sugar Babies

Mini, even sugary-er Sugar Daddies. Wow. That's a lot of sugar.

Sugar Daddy

A caramelly thing on a stick. You know.

Sugar Mama

A caramelly thing on a stick. Covered in chocolate.That's one sweet chocolate mama!

Swedish Fish

Originally only in red, probably the first popular gummi animal. How… Nordic.

SweeTarts

Like they say, sweet…and tart.

Tangy Taffy

Another taffy, this time from Wonka.

Teaberry gum

What the hell is a teaberry? I don't know. But I feel very sophisticated chewing this gum.

Tidal Wave Bubble Gum

See Squirt and Freshen Up. Enough, already!

Toffifay

Marketed as a premium chocolate, this one captured my snobby little heart with it's "European" flavoured advertisements. A nougat enrobed hazelnut topped with a dollop of chocolate and placed in a caramel cup, it even came in a gold plastic tart-pan setting. Niiiiiiiice.

Tootsie Flavor Rolls

Tootsie rolls in different flavours?! Let me
try that…

Tootsie Pop

Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get
to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
I never made it without biting, ask Mr. Owl. Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?Let's find out. One… Two-whoooo… Three. CRUNCH! Three.How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? CRUNCH!The world may never know.P.S.: My favourite flavours are orange and chocolate.

Tootsie Roll

"The world looks mighty good to me, 'cause tootsie rolls are all I see..."

Trident Gum

What the hell are you, a dentist?! See Dentyne.

Twix & Peanut Butter Twix

I just love me some Twix. They came a little late for my trick-or-treating, but I've gotta include them. A cookie covered by caramel and chocolate? Right on. The peanut butter version? Equally good. I tip my hat to you, Mars, Inc.

Wax Bottles, Lips, Fangs, Mustaches, Harmonicas, etc.

Fangs for the memories...Ok, seriously, can there be any doubt that the wax fangs were the best? Oh, sure the bottles had liquid in them and the harmonica could be played, but WAX FANGS? Ruled.

Werther’s candies

Relatively high-quality butterscotches, toffees, and the much coveted Reisen chew. How European!

Whatchamacallit

Another great marketing campaign for this one, a crunchy peanut crisp wafer with caramel and chocolate. I was very much into them for a while.

Whistle Pops

Okay, sugar that makes a piercing noise, and you give it to children. There is a Satan.

Whoppers

I loves me some malted milk. I just do.

Wrigley's gum (Juicy Fruit, Spearmint, Doublemint,
Big Red)

Juicy Fruit was the bigger winner in my book,
even though it lost its flavour pretty fast. Big Red, however, was popular
and benefitted from some good marketing, as did Doublemint. Who knew there
were so many blandly attractive twins in the world?

York Peppermint Patties

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation that my teeth are rotting out… but I like it!

Zagnut

See Clark, 5th Avenue, Butterfinger, etc. This one did benefit from a cool name, though.