Join me in my year long journey to find me again!

September 2014

Monday, 29 September 2014

And oh, oh, oh, all for me she cried And oh, oh, oh, all for love In retrospect wish I Could have said three words that night All me, all me, all me

Now, green reminds me Of everything we did it blinds me It rushes through my head it finds me Close to you

“Green” – Brendan James

Last week I went to see Brendan James with one of my dearest friends, Jen. I fell in love with Brendan James’ music last fall. For a period of time, I worked from home exclusively and during the day I would listen to Apple Radio and in that process, I discovered Brendan James (and a number of other great artists).

In our catchup conversation, I shared with Jen that something deeply painful had become tender again in a way it hadn’t for a few months. It was as if I had made peace with the situation only to find it bubbling back up to the surface in the last few weeks in a way that had been very difficult for me. In discussing this also with my therapist, I realized that I had done a lot of really hard and important work over the last year and now I was likely ready to dive a bit deeper which is probably why some old wounds were bubbling back up again. And unfortunately, the only way to work through them has been to feel them and it has been difficult. I look back on the last 2 autumns of my life and they are so deeply steeped in memory and emotion that coming to this one again is bringing much of that back for me. The smell and crispness of the air has brought me back to a number of amazingly wonderful and horrifically painful moments and I’m left with having to feel them. All on my own.

One of the most difficult things for me to manage in my life is not knowing and unanswered questions. Knowing that someone is out there and yet I can’t reach out to them for a variety of reasons. There are a few of those in my life and part of what I am feeling right now is longing for conversations and closure that can and never will be. Some are 20 years old and some are 7 months old but that doesn’t necessarily make either of them easier. I suspect as I dive deeper into myself, this will become more tender before it begins to scab up and heal and as much as I wish I could avoid it….I know that I can’t. My favorite month is coming quickly upon us. Some of the most incredibly wonderful and incredibly painful days happened to me in October and as I work through that, I have to believe there is something good on the other side. There has been thus far in this process so I shall trust.