Keep Austin Feared: Instructions on How to Hit a Biker and Get Away With It

Keep Austin Feared: Instructions on How to Hit a Biker and Get Away With It-Jana Horn

Hear, hear, car owning citizens of Austin! The time has come for you to reclaim your roads. Some of you have already begun to take matters into your own hands–and to this I say, keep doing what you’re doing! Nevermind rules, pay no attention to formalities, continue with your full-out Guerilla Warfare tactics. It’s time to finish what you have started. Onward with the War on Bicyclists!

Too long you have been oppressed, burdened by the daily nuisance that is sharing the road with two-wheelers. I know you’re just trying to get from point-A-to-point-B without seeing the comely cyclists serve as physical reminders that you’re not as fit as you used to be, and that it gives you unsubstantiated anger at the very sight of a biker. And you know what, you’re a tax-paying citizen, a Consumerist puppet, a true asset to the dynamics of society–you’re entitled to throw fits. By all means, protect your rights, Drive Man. ‘Merica! Bless it!

You. Is. Automobile.

Hear. Roar.

Vroom-Vroom!

Really want to hit a biker, but worried about the consequences? Fret not, Drive Man.

As of 2012, Austin has a hit-and-run rate against cyclists that is 50% higher than the national average. So you’re in good company! Just ram one of those pesky peddlers in the bum and take off unscathed. Bada-bing, bada-boom.

And if they get hurt, heck, if they even die, bicycle accidents are so hard to trace and/or prove, that more than often no legal action is determinable and the driver goes unpunished altogether. You’re virtually invincible.

Yes, YOU, Drive Man. Seize your role! It is time to stand up and say “No, I will not respect your ‘lane,’ and yes I will cut you off, because I’m big and you’re small, and I’m late for work, and the road is for cars, dammit!” You just do you, Drive Man. Keep Austin Feared.