Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

It has come to our attention that people have been using babies as weapons: do not use babies as weapons.

Babies do not want to be weapons; they want to look at shapes and grow neck muscles. Babies not only mean no harm, but are incapable of meaning anything. When you leave a baby’s field of vision, you cease to exist in the baby’s universe. Object permanence is a cornerstone of the mental scaffolding needed to be an asshole on purpose. Babies aren’t assholes. They are babies. Do not use them as weapons.

Babies are poor weapons in almost every way. They lack the heft, balance, and ease of grip of a melee weapon; babies possess no natural edge, nor can they be sharpened; and, compared to an arrow or cannonball, lack any aerodynamic properties that would make them suitable as a ranged weapon.

There are many things in our world not intended as weaponry that can be used as such: bowling balls, bottles of high-test alcohol and rags, dental equipment. These things are hard, or sharp, or explodey. Babies are not any of these things, except explodey and only in the sense of making boom-booms.

Tactically, babies are terrible weapons, too. An armed man can carry hundreds of rounds of ammo, or dozens of arrows, or three or four Ginsu sets worth of knives; how many babies can you carry? Five? Six? Plus: they will give away your location. If you had chosen to use a gun like a normal person, then you would have been able to creep through the jungle undetected with a shitload of firepower strapped to you. Instead, you chose to use babies as weapons, so now Charlie has been laughing at you for the last two clicks because your three weaponized babies are screaming their heads off.

Sure, it seems like a fun way to spend an afternoon. And everyone loves babies, and weapons. But do not use babies as weapons.

STILL THO I DON’T LIKE GENERALIZING MEN AS CAVEPEOPLE WHO CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT TITS BCUZ UR SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT OKAy trust me this is coming from a high school girl who is surrounded by fucking idiot boys 24/7 u can be better than that

I might (and I stress the word might) figure out a way to bring a small knife or something in there JUST in case. I haven’t ever had to do that yet in my life thankfully but as a girl who is not experienced in kicking ass I am not going to take my chances.

Can we be real for a second: is there a chance (a real, legitimate chance, not just some bonerclown thing you’re imagining) of someone stepping into my personal bubble and yelling stupid shit about the best Tweezer jam they’ve ever heard?

Maggie….you’ll be fine at phish there just like deadheads except they smell worse, are more likely to have a trust fund, be drunk, and the band they like has a bunch of children’s songs just like a circus!!! If need be find a couple in their thirties who are wearing dead shirts. Explain you are just a young head beginning your journey. We are everywhere including at the phishes.