Wednesday, 18 April 2018

STRUGGLING IN RECOVERY IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF | MY THOUGHTS ON MY RECENT SECTIONING

So I’ve talked recently about my mental health deterioration.

It kind of started on March 19th with an overdose
(that I’ve talked about here)
and ever since I’ve been under the care of the Crisis Team.

From early April I started to feel much better and began having
less thoughts to overdose, with the voices quietening down and the visual
hallucinations lessening. I decided that it’d be positive, and rewarding to
complete my planned work for Cygnet
Healthcare at their National
Service User Awards 2018 (#NSUA2018 on Twitter) and made the decision to travel to
Coventry for the event on April 11th.

I still wouldn’t say that was a mistake. That I got
sectioned being there… it could’ve happened anywhere. At any time. If anything;
I think it was probably overdue!

It’s difficult to fully talk about the situation that led to
me being in A&E from the Awards, but it was basically due to a health
reason and because of the result of that, my mental health deteriorated once
more.

I think that some might say I’d taken on too much work at
the time… I don’t like to say things like that because I don’t like the thought
of the organisations I work feeling guilty for supplying me with opportunities or
thinking – in anyway – that I’m incapable of doing my work.

I will admit that I’ve put pressure on myself; and I’ve said
to professionals recently, on a number of times, that I feel like I’m supposed
to be the ‘poster child for mental health recovery.’ I know, full well, that a
lot of people read my blog and look up to me – perhaps, in a way. That people
look to me as hope. People think ‘oh my God; if she’s gotten through all of
that then I can too.’ I don’t mean to sound big-headed; I’ve literally been
told by readers that this is the case. So, to acknowledge that I’ve been poorly
and that I’m struggling, is incredibly challenging but I started I’m NOT
Disordered with the intention of always being honest. And I want to stay true
to that.

Looking back, I feel that I needed some time to have someone
else – whether this seem right or wrong – to take responsibility and control of
me, and my safety. Because I couldn’t. Or at least, if I could, it wouldn’t end
well…

Within a week of first attending A&E on April 11th,
I began feeling better. I now feel like my emotions and feelings aren’t
overwhelming, and that I’m able to safely cope, and deal, with them. Also! Don’t
want to jinx it BUT… the voices are pretty damn silent right now and the visual
hallucinations have gone! I don’t think this is a coincidence – they say that
with Borderline
Personality Disorder (or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder as it is
now called!) stress and pressure can bring on hallucinations and so it only
makes sense that if they are lessened, then so are the hallucinations.

I hope that my honesty, can be reassuring and perhaps inspiring
to people to also be honest if they’ve found themselves in recovery and are now
struggling and are feeling perhaps slightly ashamed or embarrassed that they
are. Because you’ll never get back to that place in recovery, that positivity,
that happiness, without telling someone. Without asking for help.