Funny / Uninvited Guests

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One can call this fic in its entirety Funny moments, but to be specific...
Chapter 1

Yumichika fails to grasp the severity of their barracks burning down, choosing to instead admire the bonfire's beauty - until Ikkaku reminds him that all his clothes and make-up were in there.

"! DAMN YOU, FLAMES! OH, THE CRUEL WHIMS OF FATE MAKE THEIR TWISTED ATTEMPTS TO STRIP ME OF MY BEAUTY YET AGAIN! ARE YOU THAT JEALOUS, GOD?" Ayasegawa screamed, falling to his knees and shaking his fist at the cheerily burning building.

Twenty minutes later, after the red haze of fury cleared from Hitsugaya's mind, he awoke to find his office resembling a war zone. Apparently he'd released Hyourinmaru at some point, because there was quite a lot of ice lying around. Also, he couldn't help but notice that his entire body was a mess of cuts and bruises and his robes looked like they had been through a blender. One of his eyes was swollen shut and his right leg was so badly mauled he needed to use his zanpakuto as a cane. Zaraki, for his part, looked like someone had smashed him repeatedly in the face with a bowling ball, and was frozen in a solid block of ice from the neck down. Unlike Hitsugaya, however, he had a huge grin on his blood-smeared face.

"What'd I tell ya? Havin' more fun already." Zaraki said cheerfully, looking for all the world like a partially alive ice sculpture.

Chapter 3

"It's not as though I fly off the handle over little things like this all the time!" Cue the Gilligan CutFlashback.

This little exchange:

"Oh, yes, I'm sure." Unohana said in a motherly tone. "Toshiro, I understand that you've been stressed lately. I also understand that Kenpachi can be difficult to deal with. He is a rather forceful man." She paused, smiling slightly. "A loud man," she said, her smile shrinking. "A smelly man," Her smile disappeared. "A great, thundering ox of a man, who consistently finds some way to grope me every damn time he gets drunk. And it's not like he fixates on me because I'm in the same bar as him or something. I'm NEVER in a bar, Toshiro. I HATE alchohol, I get drunk one night a year because it's the only time I ever get to spend with my closest friends, and yet that man somehow finds me no matter what bar he's in, no matter what time of day. He's clearly some unholy cross between a human, a gorilla, and a tracking bloodhound. And worst of all, that barely verbal SASQUATCH of a man maintains so little control over that pack of wild dogs he calls a division that they spend their time coming to MY division, picking on MY subordinates who I love like my own children, those disgusting PIGS…"

Byakuya subtly manages to get Orihime to go through with their plan by offering to hook Rukia up with an Arranged Marriage to clear Orihime's way to Ichigo. And his first choice was Oomaeda. Which Orihime managed to talk him out of.

When Zaraki wants to find out what's going on, he finds somebody who knows what's going on and asks. Sometimes he asks pretty hard.

Rangiku's explanation of how and why she turned the entire Eleventh division into her drunken cult. He's so impressed he becomes her High Priest.

Hitsugaya: So… this may sound a little odd, but did either of you just get the feeling that something has gone horribly, irreparably WRONG?

Kiyone and Sentarou's reaction to finding out there's a revolution to install Ukitake as the Captain-Commander - is to run to him and beg to join. Of course, it didn't help that he had absolutely no idea said revolution was going on.

The reason why the alarm hasn't been sounded is because it caused the entire Soul Society arc.

Byakuya's message to Rukia. It's so blunt and tactless even Yachiru thought it was kind of heartless.

Byakuya and Rukia decide to stay out of the madness that's going on outside - by refusing to admit anything is going on outside.

Chapter 15

Momo diffuses Hitsugaya's anger - only to have Orihime set him off again.

"WHAT DID YOU TWO SAY TO HIM?" Momo screamed, as she, Orihime, and Ukitake ran for their lives from the enraged Hitsugaya.

Yamamoto: … Shunsui. I must say, this is surprising. And it has done more to show me the strength of your conviction than any tantrum or act of foppishness could possibly have done. It has certainly made me respect your opinion more. Shunsui: So… so you’re going to listen to me? Yamamoto: No. I still respect MY opinion more than yours… but not as much as previously. Well done. ALL FORCES, CHARGE! Shunsui: Son of a bitch!

Hitsugaya single-handedly stops the rebellion.

Hitsugaya tells Rangiku her acts have been basically unforgivable - then immediately forgives her the minute he hears 'Zaraki'.

"Why should I? Rangiku, you tried to destroy my home, basically on a whim. I can't forgive this, ever. Under any circumstances." Hitsugaya said in a dull, dead sort of voice.

"But it was all just a ploy to get free liquor and pretzels until Captain Zaraki showed up, and then it all just…"

The forces of Hueco Mundo try to figure out how to deal with Hitsugaya challenging their entire army to a duel:

"Well, I hate to be the one who suggests the boring, obvious solution, but... why don't we just kill him?" Gin asked. "We can't just kill him." Aizen said impatiently. "What if he has some sort of horrible, brain-eating insanity virus? Killing him could release it into the atmosphere, and then where would we be? Can you imagine if all our Arrancar got infected and started acting like that?" he asked, pointing at Hitsugaya, who, upon noticing that he was once again the center of attention, drew his sword and began to issue another series of grandiose death threats. "... we'd have a whole bunch of Grimmjows?" Gin responded. "I HEARD THAT!" Grimmjow roared from his place in the crowd. Exactly! And that would be a disaster! Just having ONE Grimmjow already decreases our efficiency immensely; if we had an army of them we'd never get anything done! All the time we've spent getting all these Arrancar will be wasted if they all turn into useless psychos like Grimmjow!" "OH, SCREW ALL YOU GUYS!" Grimmjow said, leaving to go find something to kick.

Aizen and the Arrancar make a... strategic error in restraining their captive.

"… did ANYONE remember to take his sword from him when we got the shackles on him?" The air in the room cooled noticably. "We just put it back in the sheathe on his back, didn't we?" Aizen asked sadly.

On that note, it takes them THREE TIMES to get Toshiro chained up, and each time they suffer more and worse losses. "Strategic" nothing!

Chapter 19

Matsumoto, Momo, Ikkaku, Yumichika and Yachiru are disguised as Arrancar. When Grimmjow asks for their names, Matsumoto says the following:

Mr. Whiskery: I sought to destroy your precious teeth, leaving you unable to chew! Then you would not be able to eat anything, and since the average Japanese diet includes a large percentage of seafood, all the fish you didn't get to eat would be MINE! I would be the best-fed talking hallucinatory cat in all the land!

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Kyoraku is getting mauled by a small berserk ninja woman while Yamamoto and Ukitake-in woman's clothes due to Kyoraku-looking for an opening and when one appears?

"It seemed like a really small opening. I doubt I could have managed an effective attack in such a short time while wearing these restrictive woman's clothes." Ukitake said, a frankly demonic smirk on his face. "I just didn't feel like moving." Yamamoto admitted.

Chapter 25

Yachiru's reaction to being faced down with Aizen, the man who brought Soul Society to its knees, defected with two other captains, assumed command of the Hollows, and is trying to make himself God:

Arrancar therapy, in its entirety. From Grimmjow and Nnoitra somehow drawing completely (il)logical conclusions completely unrelated to what the therapist said, Starrk and Zommari being... themselves, and Barragan demanding to be called "your majesty" after every sentence. Every part of the therapy is one large CMOF.

Why would the Arrancar even have a therapist to begin with? Here's why:

"You know how sometimes, [Aizen] screws with our heads for no reason? I think this was one of those times." The therapist said. "My point is, I'm barely qualified to offer psychological advice to people who don't actually need it. You people… you're all lunatics. I'm just a normal Arrancar. I get up in the morning, I put my pants on one leg at a time, I feast on the souls of the innocent, I go to sleep at night. I'm not equipped to deal with you lunatics!"

The ongoing fight between Matsumoto and Halibel about being Hitsugaya's second-in-command.

Halibel: "I will, of course, be his third seat. Which means that, should something unfortunate happen to you, I would be promoted to become his wife."

Halibel: "Vice-captain. But of course, that is unlikely. What, after all, are the chances that you will be murdered?"

Matsumoto: "Captain Hitsugaya, I suddenly feel unsafe…"

Chapter 28

The true reason behind Aaronerio's suckage in battle:

Aaronerio:"I don't have feelings of inferiority! Why, I am a full-fledged Espada, and I am the only Arrancar with the power of limitless evolution! By devouring other Hollows, I have acquired over 30,000 distinct powers!"

Therapist:"Oh? What are some of them?"

Aaronerio:"I have the full power of the Shinigami Kaien Shiba! Also I have tentacles! Also, I have 29,998 other powers!"

Therapist:"… that was oddly nonspecific."

Aaronerio:"You are oddly nonspecific!"

Therapist:"What?"

Aaronerio:"Your mom is oddly nonspecific!"

Therapist:"What are you talking about?"

Aaroniero:*Starting to cry* "All right! I admit it! Every single Hollow I've ever eaten has only had the power to have tentacles! Kaien is actually the only real power I really have!"

Chapter 29

This exchange:

Aizen:"I want you to appreciate this, Toshiro, because… while I would have killed you eventually anyway, just because you're a Captain and none of you have place in my new world order… never before would I have enjoyed it so much." Hitsugaya:"You have no idea how little comfort that provides me."

Kyouraku's power taken to the (il)logical extreme:

"Well?" Soi Fon snapped.

"Best eleven out of twenty."

"Dammit!"

"Also, how many people do we need to play soccer?"

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

In which Yammy is left paralyzed by an insidious logic puzzle:

"Anyway, I'm probably not going to die. If it were just one Espada, sure, but I really doubt all of them together could coordinate themselves enough to successfully accomplish anything. It's like ninjas, where the fewer ninjas you have the better they are?" "That's pretty big talk from someone who's bite-sized, you..." Yammy began. Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Yammy fell silent "I... but... we... woodchucks? How much? I don't... but the wood is..." He said, his mind seemingly overwhelmed by this vast new influx of data. He began to count out something on his fingers. And he gets a number as an answer.

The end of Kyoraku and Soi Fon's game:

"Huh… looks like you win!" Kyoraku said. "Okay… Katen Kyokotsu says 'game over'. … Wait, what? You can't be serious. That is the last round? But wait, I lost. What are you going to do?" He asked.

Instantly, his own sword's blade shifted and warped like liquid, before ramming itself through his chest.

Nobody said anything for a little while after that.

"I hate you, sword." Kyoraku grumbled, passing out.

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Where we see Komamura eating lunch at home, it's his first non-dream appearance all story.

Far, far away in his pleasant home in the Seireitei, Komamura sat down to eat lunch. He was sure that someone would have told him if anything urgent was going on, after all.

Made even funnier when you remember that the only reason he wasn't in the story before is because no one remembers where he lives.

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Yammy.

"Yammy, think of clouds."

During Aizen's monologue:

"Wait!" Zaraki said. "This is making me dizzy. Could you just tell us the rest of your plan? I'm sick of jumping in and out of flashbacks."

Aizen planned everything...

Hitsugaya: "What about the part in the middle there, where Yachiru drove you halfway insane and then you got run over by a worm and fell through every floor in your fortress and got chewed on by a Menos?"

"... Complete Hypnosis." Aizen said, with just the slightest twitch of fury in his eye.

Chapter 37

How much everyone cares for Aizen's so-called plot.

Gin's re-defection back to Soul Society, the "fact" that Aizen made him do it, and everyone's reactions.

Aizen: How did you do that? There is no way you should have been able to do that!

Hitsugaya: I don't know! My hand just... moved by itself!

Aizen: This... this is... This makes no sense! And give me back my sword!

Hitsugaya: No! You're just going to stab me with it!

Aizen: You wanted me to!

Hitsugaya: I didn't want you to, I had just given up on life!

Aizen: Give up again, then!

Hitsugaya: No! I have magic sword catching powers! That's a good reason to live!

Komamura is a man of science:

Dark Lord Wolfington raised one hand, and said, "Ultra Wolf Gravity Crusher Bomb!" A swirling orb of pure black chaos erupted from the palm of his hand, blotting out the sun with absolute evil. Aizen stared at this for a few moments in absolute silence, as the dark energy whirled madly through the air. Finally, he said, "What the Hell does gravity have to do with wolves?" Komamura shrugged. "The way I see it, that information is really more relevant to someone who isn't about to be hit with a giant black death-ball." "… okay, you may have a point. But I maintain that wolf-gravity makes absolutely no sense. I mean, wolves don't have gravity powers." Dark Lord Wolfington considered this briefly. "Well, let's consider this from a more logical perspective, then, if you're so adamant on this fact. You're a man of science." "Well, of course. I'm always open to experimentation, study, analysis. They are, honestly, my passion." Aizen said. "I have far more concern and respect for the scientific method and the powers it can bring to those willing to work in…" "If I hit you with this giant ball of gravity, and it doesn't hurt, then wolves don't really have gravity powers. But if it does hurt, then you're clearly wrong and I do have super wolf gravity powers." Dark Lord Wolfington said. "… … … … I don't like this experiment." Aizen said.

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