Forum » Tag: Health and Safety - Recent Postshttp://newsbiscuit.com/forum/tags.php?tag=health-and-safety
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I Never Said That on "EU ruling on talking machines"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=84970#post-246299
Sat, 27 Dec 2014 23:07:04 +0000I Never Said That246299@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Étoiles<br />
Estrellas<br />
Sternen<br />
Sterren<br />
Zvijezde<br />
Ηθοποιοί<br />
כוכבים<br />
Звезды<br />
Csillag<br />
Réaltaí<br />
Жұлдыздар<br />
Stjerner<br />
Gwiazdy<br />
Estrelas<br />
Stele<br />
Yıldız<br />
зірки<br />
Sêr<br />
Stjärnor<br />
зоркі<br />
Stelle<br />
النجوم
</p>Nick Warren on "EU ruling on talking machines"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=84970#post-246225
Fri, 26 Dec 2014 16:14:28 +0000Nick Warren246225@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>New Year equal opps shock for lift travellers</p>
<p>In a little remarked move from the European Equal Opportunities Commission it had been decreed that from January 2015 all lifts must be multilingual. The move is destined to give a much needed boost to the European translation industry.</p>
<p>Announcements made by lifts throughout the EU such as “Doors Closing” and “Second Floor” will have to be made in French, German, Spanish, Polish, Danish, Dutch, Portuguese, Serbo Croat, Italian, Somali and Czech as well as English. All lifts throughout the EU will remain stationary with the doors open until the new announcements are completed.</p>
<p>EU spokesman, Dr Nancy Glouberman, explained, “For too long monolingual lifts have been confusing Europe’s mobile workforce and effectively discriminating against speakers of different languages. This will level the international lift playing field at a stroke, n’est ce pas?”</p>
<p>It is reported that plans are well advanced for other talking technologies to be adapted. Supermarkets have been warned that self service checkouts will soon follow and will have to explain that there is an “unexpected item in the bagging area” in 22 languages.<br />
Consumer spokesman Ron Angry complained, “This is yet another insane EU ruling which will test customers’ already fragile sanity. I foresee outbursts of lift rage and public disorder.”
</p>hardev on "Torturer laments demise of industry..."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=68840#post-201894
Sat, 09 Nov 2013 13:37:40 +0000hardev201894@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Abdul Mohammed Kadifery, known as the Smiling Butcher to his colleagues has decided to take the early retirement package from the Syrian Government after new Health and Safety regulations where bought in early this year…</p>
<p>Mr Kadifery has stated “that the job is no longer what it used to be” and added “In the old days, we could pretty much do what we wanted, but these new rules, Allah help me! We used to have the Japanese Cradle, the Iron Maiden, razor blades, cigarette burns, but now? Nothing! It all started when we were no longer able to play loud crap rock music to our prisoners and then they said no more blades and gave us safety razors, so we were only able "our guests" a close shave – even adding more blades didn’t help! In fact, they just got a smoother shave and all the attention of those brazen shameless foreign female journalists…”</p>
<p>Mr Kadifery said the last straw was when he received a memo this summer. He explained “Cigarette burns were the last bastion of my trade and now? I have to use those new-fangled electronic ones – and they’re not prisoners anymore…no – we have to call them “guests of the government” – this is just too much! So I said enough is enough and handed in my notice – I miss the old days where they would scream, cry, bleed and foam at the mouth, but you can't stand in the way of progress, I guess”</p>
<p>Mrs Kadifery has reportedly said “Yes, it’s good to have my Pommy home, but he’s not allowed in the kitchen and has to go out when we have guests…”
</p>Arthur on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182337
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:21:06 +0000Arthur182337@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Frankly, I'd rather you pleased us, but I don't see much chance of that.
</p>Titus on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182336
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:18:32 +0000Titus182336@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>[sigh]</p>
<p>'<strong>hat</strong> tip - '<strong>cap</strong>itulate'</p>
<p>A cap is a hat.</p>
<p>Oh well, please yourselves.
</p>Arthur on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182334
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:13:42 +0000Arthur182334@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>No, I don't, please explain.
</p>Titus on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182333
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 18:06:47 +0000Titus182333@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>OK OK - I'll capitulate!</p>
<p>Hat tip to NorthernGravy - in appreciation of his generosity.</p>
<p>(See what I did there? '<strong>Cap</strong>itulate' - geddit?)
</p>Arthur on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182302
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:29:10 +0000Arthur182302@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>What's the maximum fine?
</p>NorthernGravy on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182301
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:27:43 +0000NorthernGravy182301@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>You're welcome
</p>Titus on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182300
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:27:04 +0000Titus182300@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Yes.
</p>NorthernGravy on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182298
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:25:53 +0000NorthernGravy182298@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Have I been harvested?
</p>Titus on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182296
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:24:40 +0000Titus182296@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>[duplicate post deleted]
</p>Titus on "Safety Rules Make Suicide Bombers Label Their Rucksacks "Danger - Explosives""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=62625#post-182293
Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:21:30 +0000Titus182293@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>"We wouldn't want an accident to injure someoneone" said a concerned Health-and-Safety official.
</p>ginty on "Foam prisoner ensures survival of traditional police staircase rolling event"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61794#post-179785
Tue, 28 May 2013 16:34:53 +0000ginty179785@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The 2013 staging of the traditional 'Custody Suite Prisoner Roll' event has finally been secured by the use of a substitute prisoner made from lightweight foam. Organisers of the annual West Country event, which dates back to around 1800, had been threatened with being held liable for any injuries, after an intimidating visit from an 86-year old claims lawyer.<br />
Custody Sergeant Brian Trundle said "It's health and safety gone mad. Prisoners are willing participants and take a tumble down the stairs completely of their own volition. Apparently, even the steep angle of the stairs poses a risk if too many spectators turn up, but we've always made sure there weren't any 'spectators' anywhere near at the time anyway!"
</p>Jammydodgers on "All warning 'triangles' to be circular from now insists HSE... No sharp edges."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=58527#post-169998
Mon, 25 Mar 2013 19:49:43 +0000Jammydodgers169998@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Other 'pointless' safety signs urgently being reviewed.
</p>ginty on "Two Door Cinema Club shut down by fire inspectors"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=46224#post-133037
Tue, 31 Jul 2012 16:54:32 +0000ginty133037@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The Irish indie band were left reeling after fire officers shut them down with immediate effect after an unannounced regulatory inspection on Monday morning.<br />
County Down fire safety officer Brendan Hughes took the decision after seeing the trio perform in front of a worldwide audience of over 1 billion at the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony. He stated "Clearly two doors is wholly inadequate for a cinema club of this size and until such measures are put in place, I've no alternative but to demand immediate cessation of all activities".
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