A Nader Voter's Top 10 List of Asshole Democrats

(WARNING: This is not the typical Couch Pundit posting, and those of you who prefer the kinder, gentler pop-culture stuff usually offered here should skip this entry entirely. I�m serious, you probably won�t like this one at all.)

For the past four years, I�ve had to listen to loudmouthed, small-brained �liberals� tell me, both in the media and in my face, how I�m personally to blame for the Bush presidency because I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000. This year, I had to watch all of them do their part to smear, belittle, demonize and condescendingly psychoanalyze a man who stood for and spoke up about every progressive issue they claimed to believe in. And even that wasn�t enough for the sanctimonious little cretins-- to add genuine injury to the insults, their party spent $70 million trying to keep Nader off every ballot in the country. Not only that, they indulged in the same kind of sabotage that they constantly accuse Republicans of doing to them. The ultimate example of the Dems� sickening hypocrisy: in one state, the law firm they used in their ballot challenge was that of Ken Starr!

So what did it ultimately get them? Not a fucking thing except another deserved trouncing at the polls. Yes, the evidence is already here that the fix was in regarding the votes-- see Greg Palast�s latest piece, if you haven�t already-- but it still doesn�t address why the Democrats� candidate was such a weak sister to begin with. They could have had a genuine peace candidate, which polls said half the people wanted, in Dennis Kucinich, whom Nader said he would campaign for, not against. Even Howard �The Screamer� Dean was a step in the right direction. But no, they went with a wealthy political hack who was nothing more than Michael Dukakis stretched out. Why??

I think it�s because the Dems� real job is to lose, and it�s the only job they seem to have a flair for. City Pages� editor Steve Perry said it best, I think: the Republicans are (ironically) The Harlem Globetrotters, and the Democrats are the Washington Generals. (For those of you who don�t recall the Globetrotters, the Generals were the joke team who only existed to get their asses kicked by Meadowlark and the gang.)

Irked? You bet I am, because these lily-livered Kerrycrats took me and mine down the drain with them, thanks to their self-righteous "compromise." While I plan on spending the next four years spitting in the eyes of the people who have been expectorating into mine since 2000, today I�ll just focus on the most egregious of these assholes, top-10 style.

1) Michael Moore. This cocksucker has perhaps more to answer for than anybody else I can think of. (And yes, a search of this weblog will turn up entries of high praise for him, but if he can do a 180, so can I-- we�re about the same size, so it would be an even-Steven flipflop, if also an immensely unpleasant one to watch.) Four years ago he was for Nader, two years ago he was against all Dems, and then this year he bounced from cuddling with Wesley Clark to smooching JFKerry without batting an eye. His lowest moment was when he and Bill Maher blindsided Nader on Maher�s show by suddenly getting on their knees to beg him not to run; Nader, who considered these two twats to be friends and supporters, was mortified, and I wanted to reach into the TV and beat the shit out of both of them. While Moore became filthy rich with his books and his movie, apparently his popularity and influence stopped at the voting booth. Then, when his current team lost, this war-supporting blowhard had the gall to use the names and images of dead soldiers on his webpage to indict Bush voters for their deaths. Enjoy your blood money, you two-faced, triple-chinned prick.

2) Air America radio. The motto of this Nader-bashing network should be, �Radio as obnoxious as the right, only less entertaining.� Will Al Franken ever learn that no one wants to hear him eat his lunch? And the only thing that keeps the always-unfunny Janeane Garofalo from being the worst voice on the air is the robotic-sounding nitwit who�s her co-host. But the worst of the bunch is another former favorite of this weblog, Atlanta-based Mike Malloy. On his old show for the UAW-owned I.E.America network, Malloy did a genuinely progressive-left program, and his fire-breathing hatred of Republicans was righteous and refreshing. The network tanked early this year, however, and the five months he spent unemployed must have made him much more willing to be co-opted by the party he often railed against. On Air America, he artificially inflates the outrage to the point where he sounds like a left-wing Michael Savage. His worst moment was when a polite, soft-spoken caller identified himself as a Bush supporter and Malloy actually told him to commit suicide! Well, likewise, Mike-- go find a car with a �Kerry-Edwards� bumper sticker and suck the tailpipe, and put your former fans out of their misery over what happened to you.

3) Bruuuuuuuuce. Yep, sometimes a man just has to take a stand, and mister, this year was The Boss�s turn. So he went out and rocked the vote for Kerry, uh huh. And the effect was similar to Kurt Vonnegut�s description of the impact American writers and intellectuals had in the �60s on the Viet Nam war: that of a enormous pancake dropped on the floor from a distance of half-a-foot.

4) The Nader turncoats. 75 former supporters, including Tim Robbins, Phil Donahue, and the ever-whiny Barbara Ehrenreich, all signed a petition calling for Nader not to run this time. All this told me was that the right-wing had a point: these well-to-do, easily-swayed liberal candy-asses really don�t know shit about politics. But I hope at least some of them are smart enough to realize what they did; namely, turn their backs on the one candidate who opposed the war to support one who didn�t. If I had my way, I�d make Michael Moore sit on the face of every fucking one of them. And fart.

5) Tough-guy lefty webloggers.Now they�re tough-- before the election, they had all kinds of cool, rational reasons to compromise and support Kerry. Then, when he lost (and I get no satisfaction from saying �I told you so,� but it needs to be said), they�re outraged! Clowns like Bartcop, who attacked and ridiculed Nader at every turn, are now pissed as hell that Kerry let them down and didn�t fight. (An understatement: he wasted so little time declaring the election over, I�m surprised he didn�t make Edwards� wife sing.) Of course, they wouldn�t listen to those of us who didn�t think that voting for another rich warmonger was a step in the right direction. But what should you expect from on-line idiots like the crew at Democratic Underground, which, if it were a Bill Maher show, would be called Politically Incomplete?

6) The ABB crowd. As Nader campaign manager Kevin Zeese pointed out, the problem with this attitude-- �Anybody but Bush�-- is that�s exactly who you get: anybody.

Well, as usual, I can�t make it to the end. So I�ll just say to all the Democrats who heaped their scorn and hatred on Nader and his supporters, Nice work, dickheads-- you spurned the greatest civil servant of our lifetimes and a candidate who opposed war (not just in Iraq, but the drug war at home), supported health care for all, and wanted our corporate owners to pay for what they�ve done, including impeachment for their current toady in the White House. Instead, you threw your support to an uninspiring phony who voted for Scalia and Ashcroft, not only voted for the Patriot Act but actually wrote some of it, and who�s never seen a corporate dollar he wouldn�t bend over for, in more ways than one.

Enough-- it�s off to the bathroom for yours truly. As the bumper-sticker that I didn�t have the balls to sport says, Bush and Kerry make me wanna Ralph.