The Cost Of Things by Rapie McRape

I killed a man for his Mickey Mouse poster collection. Not sure if it was really worth it though. His kids are still mad at me too. Perhaps I'm saying, think before you act. Or maybe just don't think. Whichever seems to work for you.

- Readers' Comments - NYTimes.com: "The crazy thing is, 90% of the population employs an illegal alien for landscaping, baby sitting, house cleaning, pool cleaning, home improvements, hospitals, nursing homes, hotels, etc. and they eat a restaurants, go to stores, laundries, etc.etc..then go home and say 'these people should get the hell out'"

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Or Why The Government Will Screw It Up So Don't Fucking Bother

Essentially, this column is a thought-provoking analysis of political philosophy as it applies to our current day-to-day environment. By I mean, I'll say one or two reasonable things, and then basically come to the same conclusion as Fox News and the Republican Party line. The fact that I just ignore pertinent facts is because this is a philosophical discussion, and as Socrates observed, facts are overrated.

Okay, first the reasonable part: People in power indulge in a lot of mutual backscractching in order to share the spoils. I'll say this with scienc-ey sounding terms such as "social networking" or perhaps "in-group cognitive fermentation" to help sell this argument a bit, as people are much less offended by it--than by phrases such as 'chimpanzee circle jerk'. At the same time, it seems to give my opinions a veneer of respectability, underneath the termite-and-maggot-rot. But that's rather appropriate since today's subject is about polishing worthless crap and then selling it.

In this drama, in other words, the establishment was pleasant, respectable and stupid--much like my undying support of Shrubya and his administration, while the contrarians were smart but hard to love, and sometimes sleazy. I mean, whom has heard of a sleazy politician or salesman? Not me. I later found out that there were such people, and frankly I was shocked. I mean, I was so busy trying to figure out the hell I could explain to America what a great president Bush was that I really could not be bothered to much worry about it.

Anyhoo, the elected leaders of the clueless establishment (excluding George Bush, of course--did I mention he has character?) have given me this opportunity to note that I'm really not part of this establishment at all. I'm just a simple opinion writer trying to make his way in the universe. And now I can oppose everything the Democratic Party is for by simply saying that Washington is overloaded with hypocrisy and then pretending I wasn't a cheerleader for the very same "establishment" (tee-hee, I'm a bit of a hippie after all) for the many years it was led by the party that just happens to be dominated by white conservatives. You might think that would make me some sort of vile hypocrite or a smug, self-deluded fool, but you'd be very very wrong, I can assure you on this point. Because this column is really a philosophical discussion.

And besides, we're not doing something we should be doing, such as invading Iraq. No, we're trying to re-regulate what was de-regulated. And as well all know, rules, laws and regulations accomplish nothing. So I'll change the argument from a real issue, such as setting limits on capital requirements, and change it to the classic big government will fail ever time. So I don't really need to make any sense. All laws are imperfect--so why make more of them? The Romans had laws--and looked what happened to them!

And now let me insert a sports reference to prove, that even though I write for NY Times, I'm a real/regular American just like my husband...er, hero, Bush. "Some Democrats regard federal commissions with the same sort of awe and wonder that I feel while watching LeBron James and Alex Ovechkin." There, see, I'm not part of the establishment, I'm a regular guy who goes to the salad bar at Applebees.

Financial bubbles have happened throughout history; so never mind what some fancy-pants Nobel Prize-winning economist tells you (note: not a regular guy). So until the Democratic Party finds a way to change human nature, we should not do a damn thing. And now let me prove once more that I'm just a regular guy: "The folks in the big investment banks....The folks in Washington...." There--do you see? I'm just plain folks, going to church, milking the cows, stacking the hay, sitting in the barbershop and reading Corn Aficionado Weekly, and of course complaining about Washington. At least when it's run by Democrats. And just because I happen to support what the finance/bank industry and lobby wants, or what the Republican Party wants, is entirely aside the point of my philosophical analysis.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Why We Must Respect The Tea Party

Yes, those who say the Tea Party must be respected are, of course, correct. Already their influence is being felt everywhere, from nearly killing the health care overhaul to pushing the Republican Party even further to the right-wing white fringes of Arizona's Punch A Mexican Guy In The Face law, the Tea Party is flexing it's flabby biceps and giving voice to powerless white males over 45.

And they no doubt have wonderful ideas that are ignored by The Incompetent Establishment at which David Brooks sneers. Because as we all know, and as Mr. Brooks and Mr. Wills will no doubt tell us, small government is good government. And this is the core idea, the wonderful, beautiful flower that is the heart of the Tea Party: Freedom. A gorgeous promise of scented freedom, a scent which if you put nose closely to it, will tell you it's secret:

We want our Social Security and Medicare and police protection and fire departments and we don't want to pay a fucking dime for any of it.

We want our military-industrial complex and our highways and pollution controls and fire departments and prisons but why the hell should we have to contribute anything when somewhere there is a a black or brown welfare queen stealing my money that the government stole from me.

Taxation is theft--from white people to poor people, useless cripples, illegal immigrants, lazy ghetto layabouts, a load of idle classes who refuse to lift themselves up by their own bootstraps. When we were young there were no roads, no schools, no running water, and no government. We did everything ourselves and no one helped us at all. We deserve everything we have because we are white and we are U.S. citizens. And therefore we do not owe anyone anything.

So fuck you.

Um, we're not racists, we just love freedom.

(We just really, really, seriously fucking LOVE freedom.)

And that, my friends, is the beauty and power of the Tea Party philosophy. And if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, you are one stone cold dead killer.

My goal is a just a traditional Japanese house 17th century style--is that asking too much (Asian hottie included)? Anything other than prefab housing...I lived in the high desert in Calif. last year, and nearly all the newer housing was either prefab/mobile home or custom-designed homes in the million dollar range.Or a hobbit hole.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

"Hello, Miss Smith, first take some dictation, then you can drop your skirt as I'm going to sodomize you while I suck on an a Camels unfiltered and lecture pedantically about the virtus of unfettered greed when combined with the great taste of menthol. And don't even try to call the cops, they all know you're a giant whore anyway.Oh, and by the way you're fired. But if you write a letter of reference for me I'll sign it. Can you drop off my dry cleaning your way home?" (Answer next week.)

Friday, April 23, 2010

Oh, how time flies! Remember it was just about a year ago we were all dancing to "I'll Never Apologize For Being Wrong About Anything" by Georgie And The Bushites. Well now you can hear David Brooks And The Warmongers (Bill Kristol, Dick 'Big Dick' Cheney, and the whole gang) singing the very same tune. (Crikey, I've met piranha fish with more shame.) Looking Back on the Bush Years - Opinionator Blog - NYTimes.com

Met George for the first time today, wearing his flight jacket, and reeking of leather, masculinity, and manmusk. My heart stopped in my throat--I swooned! I was smote with the hammer of forbidden desire! Oh, um.......I'm not gay.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A man who prefers socialism to freedom? Sickening. Back to Russia! 'Boo hoo, I don't want to be homeless or starve.' Hey, Goldman Sachs executives have problems too--some people will commit the sin of envy. I know, I know, sad but true...such times we live in.

Fun/Pointless kick-chop-punch-fest with (hold your breath ladies) a young Sammo Hung fighting in full-on-Bruce-Lee-shirtlessness (apparently there was a huge sector of HK females that love the chubsters). As with pretty much any movie I've seen so far, Japanese men are always sinister sex-pests who laugh maniacally as they oppress China. Plotwise, China and Korea are portrayed as natural allies against the pernicious foreign influence--although this mainly seems to be to justify the film's title--but the plot is mostly people knocking the crap out of each other because someone kicked the crap out of them earlier in the film. (That is to say, a school led by a Japanese guy versus The Real Chinese, or something like that.)

I suppose this begs the question, "Why the title?" The answer might be, "You can only have the words kung fu in so many titles."

The action scenes are terrific, though (why the hell else would you watch it?) and I daresay Angela Mao Ying's fight scene wherein she takes on the Japanese school is by far the best sequence in the film--kicking ass so fast it's hard to believe that undercranking was not involved.

So if you want to see an Asian hottie beating the crap out of other Asians, this is your movie.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

All too typical of social-science/humanities reporting in the media--it just seems like pandering to the audience. The fact is, there is no way to determine if two groups of human subjects are the same or different, and that is why this field (outside of demographics) is more stagnant than Okefenokee. What really disturbs me, though, is how quickly it devolves into political and philosophical arguments which have no empirical merit; for example, telling future students that students want to "own" their education or some other load of unprovable hogwash. The result is a divorce of brain and behavior, and large sums of limited taxpayer dollars spent on useless certificates, courses, and most annoying to me, professional "consultants". Some people are actually convinced that a child with extensive brain damage might actually have a fully intact capacity to think and reason and therefore we should spare no cost to have this child in school. Some are convinced that a severely retarded child with barely any intellectual capacity can write poetry if someone just holds their finger to letters on a board (just a like a Ouija board--but hey, some people believe in ghosts too). It's as though the last two centuries of medical science don't exist. The result is that people talk about "intervention", without being able to define what it is, how to measure it, or even care whether or not it works. And this is true whether you're talking about reading or behavior in general. It's as though if you just have a coach sitting next to a kid, that will create something that is not there--an understanding, an ability, a motivation. And *that* is the real story here--why do people believe in such easily falsifiable hogwash? Would someone hire a violin teacher for 20 years for a child, even though year after year that child showed no interest, or ability, or improvement of any kind. And now there are parents that believe that vaccines cause autism, which is as substantiated as the belief that devil cults cause cancer. Why do people have to believe in something that some evil, sinister force is out to get them? Or that the pretense of doing something is the same as doing something worthwhile? Answer *that*, and then you have a story. Otherwise it's just a load of **** filling up space in the newspaper.

This is actually true. I'm trying to figure out why anyone would pay anyone for public speaking anyway--I can only surmise that it's some sort of status/chest-pounding that "charities" perform to prove which group is more charitable.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I was watching the rifftrax of this again...and I have to say, this movie is pretty bad. But somehow watchable in its stupidity. Is it the constant overacting? That nothing in the movie makes any sense whatsoever.

1. Dragons cannot be killed with guns, cannons, antiaircraft missles, or nuclear weapons--and yet somehow an exploding crossbow bolt does the trick. Or a ridiculously absurd and impossible "grab a dragon with nets while skydiving." The movie SKYDIVERS was more coherent.

2.The castle is lit with candles--and yet outside there are floodlights--why? "We're hiding over here, unkillable dragon, so come and devour us."

3. They're not magical--so how the fuck do they fly? If a blue whale had wings, could it fly? According to this movie, yes. The one 'male' dragon is larger than a medieval church.

4.The dragon life cyle: there's one male, all of the rest are female. They destroy all life on earth, and then hibernate for eons. THEY EVEN KILLED OFF THE DINOSAURS. To boot, there's only one sperm donor (lesbian dragon action notwithstanding).

5. Why the fuck are they growing tomatoes? In England? In what appears to be something other than summer? Since when are tomatoes a fucking food staple?

6. Some people try to 'escape', and instead of leaving, they go to pick tomatoes. Needless to say, they are gassed faster than you can say "Auschwitz", along with all of the tomatoes.

7.There is not a shortage of gasonline, even though everyone is dressed like an extra in THE SEVENTH SEAL.

8.Plenty of gas for a helicopter, even though I'm pretty sure that helicopters have turbine engines and require aviation fuel and can't really be gassed up at the QuickieMart.

9.Apparently they also enough food to feed a horse, although we nothing but bare rock (and a small tomato plantation) the entire movie.

So what? Life is no longer worth living, now that Tiger Woods has destroyed the institution of monogamous marriage. Our only alternatives are all-out-self-genocide of the species or tearing off your clothes like a madman as you run into the woods screaming, and reverting to the ways of our pagan ancestors, worshipping the spirits of trees and animals and eating only what we can kill with spears. Hope is gone. Civilization is over. Tiger Woods was the last nail in the coffin. The only law now is Nature, and that law is covered in blood as we damn well know. So kiss your wife goodbye, kill your children, and hold on for the ride.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Matterhorn - A Novel of the Vietnam War - By Karl Marlantes - Review - NYTimes.com: "“No, the jungle wasn’t evil. It was indifferent. So, too, was the world. Evil, then, must be the negation of something man had added to the world. Ultimately, it was caring about something that made the world liable to evil. Caring. And then the caring gets torn asunder. Everybody dies, but not everybody cares. It occurred to Mellas that he could create the possibility of good or evil through caring. He could nullify the indifferent world. But in so doing he opened himself up to the pain of watching it get blown away.”"

Highly informative and condenses the necessary economics background into terms even I can understand. The politics of implementing even cap-and-trade do tend to induce despair (as with nearly everything else that strikes me as sane, rational, and in everyone's long-term interest).

However, I'm afraid that Jared Diamond's Collapse will eventually be our story as well: A boom-and-bust fable of industrialization, with of staggeringly colossal accumulations of wealth and power on a global scale, it's concomitant disparities of poverty and the most wretched eking out existences on toxic waste-dumps, and a fall brought on by our collective greed, short-sightedness, and general stupidity

Where are all of these loose women trying to make my stray from the path of righteousness? I don't mean to complain, but without my morality being tested by the song of wicked lustful sirens (please please please), how will I'm capable of resisting temtation? I could end up like Tiger Woods, wealthy and famous and god knows what all.

There was an original Evil Man, who taught made his children do bad things by not respecting their innate drive for existential authenticity--instead he made his daughters do housework (etc.). And this has been transmitted through countless generations...so when a woman drowns her kids in a bathtub or beats them with a wooden spoon or shoves soap in their mouths...just remember...a man made her do it. (Original Evil Man (OEM, if you like).)

Please close Guantanamo and consider subletting cheap overseas prisons from Vladimir Putin. Bush had the right idea with secret overseas prisons--the problem is that they weren't far enough. With our prisoners in Siberian labor camps where there is no electricity, they'll be pretty much incommunicado permanently. Take that, Red Cross!Yours in Christ,Gunz2luv

In the light of continuing worldwide revelations--of pederasty and subsequent cover-ups by the Catholic hierarchy--many Catholics hoped for some sort of alternative. Mused on anonymous source: "If only there were some sort of other religion we could go to and not be Catholic but still like pray and sing hymns and give money to the poor and whatnot. But whom has ever heard of such a thing? In the meantime, we shall merely have to keep hoping that something comes up."

Wow, I was reading something in a newspaper somewhere that sounded semi-factual so I decided to write a column about it. Have you noticed that in spite of their skiing ability, Norwegians are terrible elephant poachers? I decided to investigate this by reading the Republican Party talking points and skimming the Reinhold Niebuhr Wikipedia page. Those sources would certainly tell me everything I need to know in order to write something about elephant poachers that would agree with my pre-existing biases.

For example, Norwegians are a load of mindless socialists who have lost their independent pioneering Viking heritage of exploration, rape, pillage, and slaughtering little children on the ends of their spears for sport. So the Real Vikings must have moved to America (or more precisely, Wisconsin and Minnesota) ages ago. The Norway of today, unfortunately, has fallen prey to the bright shiny trout lure of collectivism, and while this might garner some Olympic gold medals by government support of training and coaching (see Recipe For Olympic Success), surely it can't be worth the cost to a man's soul to live in a country where his child might receive timely medical care without filling out a slew of medical forms and then being told none of your doctors accept Medicaid patients because the reimbursement is so low but we'll cut your foot off if you get diabetes thank you very much. And that's how we love things in America.

And now contrast the testicle-choking muck, slime and filth of Scandinavian Collectivism (not that I'm opposed to testicle-choking per se) with the proud tradition of pioneering individualistic elephant poaching that continues to this day in Kenya. These guys are like the freakin' Terminator--they can track an animal for days with barely any food or water, survive on the savanna, blow away an elephant and saw off some ivory faster than you can say Bush has persistence and leadership skill. Ands some will even leave a suicide note next to the elephant to sow confusion in the any subsequent investigation. Let's see Norway match that. Can they? No, all they have is whaling, and that's simply another example of collectivism. Though it does end in the death of huge animal, so I do tentatively approve.

Nonetheless, let's remember one very important thing, the thing that proves that Individualism is infinitely better than Collectivism: Kenyans are culturally superior to Norwegians because they can kill an elephant. Have you ever heard of a Norwegian killing an elephant? Me neither. I think I've proved my point.

And by the way, don't even think about writing to the editors of the New York Times. I'm a columnist so apparently I can spout any stupid crap that comes into my mind as long as I don't use racial epithets.

We at Cinema Corner we're shocked to learn today that currently aging but not currently dead actor David MacCallum is still alive and kicking and acting on the breakaway hit that has all of America talking, Navy Seals Solve Crimes Or Some Shit (see only interesting photo of NCIS on the right).

Needless to say, we were stunned to learn that this show has actually been on the air for six seasons. Shocking. This means that some people actually watch this show. Moreover, we cannot rule the more terrifying implication: Someone or someones has seen every episode.

Are we as a society helpless to do anything about this? Yes, we can blame the viewers--but aren't we really as a society collectively responsible?

And what of Mr. MacCallum. We at Cinema Corner can't believe he's shitting on his legacy of MASTER NINJA. He should have said, "I played opposite Lee Van Cleef as a ninja, I'm FUCKING DONE WITH IT. THIS IS THE PEAK AND IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE."

And then with that realization, MacCallum should have seppuku'd himself right then and there (I'm sure Van Cleef would have been his second if he had but asked--looks like a stand-up guy). Instead, he took the coward's way out and went on living. Perhaps we should judge not him too harshly; everyone makes that mistake. But as a celebrity and role model to our children, should he not be held to a higher standard so that when he fails we can then judge him for being human and in the process feel rather better about our own lot? I mean life is hard enough with images of successful people all around us and I even get rejected by those freaks at the dog-adoption shelter. (Um, if you're reading this dog-adoption freaks, please remember that "word" are often miscontrued, and in Middle English, "freak" meant anyone who did not have tuberculosis, the plague, or leprosy, so it was actually a compliment.)

What really can one expect of any organization, cultural group, or hierarchy that demands obedience and conformity? The group protects itself, rationalizes its actions as good or at least 'legal' and 'appropriate' when in fact they were sweeping the slime under a rug, and then when the proverbial storm hits the fan, attempts to toss up a cloud of dust by saying, "There was no way we could ever have known...." Because 99% per cent of the time, no outsider would ever know or care, unless it just happens to make a giant splash in the media. Who knew some girl would kill herself over some kids-will-be-kids behavior in a school? (To cite a recent example outside of Catholicism.) Why bother to care--most of the time, no one will know, the victim(s) will carry on without anyone paying attention, bearing the scars for years--perhaps decades--and the public at large may occasionally bleat loudly about this or that outrage but rarely if ever look at themselves in the mirror and question their own integrity. Because such things happen *everywhere*, and they are pretty much ignored all too often. So it's no wonder that at least once a month we can read about a kid somewhere was abused and no one ever saw the signs....And frankly, it sickens me.

I'm guess I'm saying, don't expect too much from most people as their idea of "good" mostly is of the do-nothing-don't-rock-the-boat-variety. And on that trite cliche I declare this rant to be over.

Instead of elaborate pranks such as "your mom just died and your wife miscarried," I just bought a lifetime membership at Landmines.com. You wouldn't believe the deals you can get on the 1966 MRZ Type IV with Model 478 detonator! A classic! Your friends will laugh when they realize they just got a nut blown off because they believed they had *really* won a new car. And the fact that Lisa married *him* instead of *me* had nothing to do with it.

He's still got one left, anyway, and I've got a whole closet full to last me till I die, no doubt it will be long and rich life for many many years I'm sure. Though in hindsight, that was pretty elaborate, especially stealing the new car.

I watched the RIFFTRAXX version...but mostly I was just thinking 'boobies' the whole time. There original plan was to star John Oliver as the wife, I think they made the right choice. (Have you ever seen that guy's nose? I mean, those nostrils...they're not nostrils, their bottomless (or upless) cavities...lord only knows what creatures might dwell within.)

Friday, April 2, 2010

1. It Kills People You Just Plain Don't Like. 2. Can Buy More Stuff From Steve Jobs. 3. Send Emails To AT&T about poor coverage. 4. Makes you hip for some reason. 5. Not sure why you need to be a 40-year-old hipster but you do. 6. Instant updates on some bullshit happening somewhere. 7. Sure the novelty will never wear off, unlike your ex-wife. 8. Let others know you're better than they are.

"This device will change everything," he declared. "It can take notes, locomote by itself to different locations in your office or business, even drive a car. And it's biodegradable."

Responded a regular Apple commentator at Wired Magazine, "Frankly it looks fine but what about upkeep and maintenance? Apple has a terrible history of fulfilling its warranty promises--frankly it sounds like more trouble than its worth. I've also heard they can make copies of themselves, and that's just another liability on your company's bottom line. It might have some function for very lonely small-business owners, however."

Before The Cock, we lived in a world that seemed safe; a world where mothers loved their children, where complete imbeciles can become wealthy men if they can hit a ball with a stick of wood, a world where there was life and light and hopes and dreams...and then It came. And now, after The Cock, it has all fallen apart. We live in a world where love is just a fleeting illusion, where women will have wanton sex with wealthy famous men, where anyone with power and money can get laid pretty damn easily. In short, a world of lies, deceit and deception, where we cannot trust famous people we have never met and with whom our only interaction is writing a letter to their agent or subscribing to their Twitter feed or if we're very lucky having our picture taken with them at a convention of fanboys. Or maybe just a cheap sleazy act of shame and degradation in an overpriced hotel after the concert/game/autograph-convention. This is the world in which we live, and there is no going back...ever...ever...ever....goodbye mother....goodbye love and hope and dreams....And it was The Cock that did it.