Paramount Is Remaking 'Explorers' Because We Can't Have Nice Things

Hollywood just won’t stop making questionable remakes, like the Road House reboot or a “romantic” version of 1984starring Kristen Stewart. Now Paramount wants to remake Explorers, the 1985 Joe Dante sci-fi about Ethan Hawke, River Phoenix, and some non-famous kid (Jason Presson) building a space ship. Because audiences in 2014 will totally believe kids with no money or engineering degrees can create a working space program.

Better yet, Paramount is making it through their low-budget label, Insurge. Even better, it’s from Geoff Moore and Dave Posamentier, who have only written one movie (Better Living Through Chemistry) which hasn’t even opened yet. Even better, Paramount is taking cues from a f**king Michael Bay movie. Says THR:

Details on what the 21st century version of Explorers will look like are being kept under wraps, though an insider said one template could be in the tone of Welcome to Yesterday, an upcoming movie produced by Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes and directed by Dean Israelite that has been wowing execs at the studio. Yesterday revolves around teens who construct a time machine.

A Flight of the Navigator remake might actually make sense since they have the technology to make it look great. On the Explorers remake…Fuck those fucking fucks. The Explorers was my favorite movie as a kid. My parents took me and my brother to the drive in to see it and then I saw it on PRISM like a million times. Remaking this movie won’t have nearly the gravitas the original did no matter what they do to it…and let me guess we’re going to CGI the aliens and they’ll probably speak Twitter instead of TV…UGH