After weeks of having her house elves prettify the brownstone, last night was Carrie Bradshaw's $40,000-per-person fundraiser for President Barack Obama. Although pixie druid Matthew Broderick was not in attendance (occupied by a performance of his Broadway musical "Nice Work If You Can Get It"), the guests included Meryl Streep, Anna Wintour, Michael Kors, Andy Cohen and Aretha Franklin, whose large hat apparently dined and dashed early. Area people protested. This is really all just a bizarro redux of that episode when "handsome politico" John Slattery wanted her to pee on him. [Fox, NY Daily News, New York]

Kim Kardashian denied on an OWN special that mom Kris was "pimping her children" and spontaneously burst into flame because that's what happens when you look Oprah in the face and lie. Later, Winfrey asked if they would be as successful if they weren't "good-looking kids," to which little brother Rob Kardashian replied, "Well, [the Kardashian sisters] are not, like, skinny women." Nice. [E!]

Newsies star Jeremy Jordan is joining Katharine McPhee, Debra Messing and Debra Messing's hideous shawls on Smash, probably as a love interest for McPhee's Karen. He will play a self-destructive Brooklyn-born singer, which sounds dumb now but probably was appealing at some time in your life. [Vulture]

Tour De Lance Armstrong, cancer survivor, cyclist and proprietor of the yellow Livestrong bracelets co-opted by every douchebag in 2007, continues to fight doping charges and has been banned from the Hawaii Ironman until they're dropped. His lawyers demand physical evidence, claiming the 10 cyclists willing to testify against Armstrong have ulterior motives as competitors. [L.A. Times]

Lionsgate is seriously considering Roots actress Cicely Tyson for the role of Mags in The Hunger Games, "an eighty-year-old woman who babbles every time she talks. Katniss believes it is because of a possible stroke she may have had in the past." This is great news. Back in the '70s, Tyson won an Oscar for Sounder and Sounder is boss. Now we just have to wait and see if people freak the fuck out. [World Of Wonder]

"Chick-fil-A and a water birth," tweetsKourtney Kardashian, and the wind cries Mary.[Contact Music]

Kevin Costner won his lawsuit against Stephen Baldwin, Michael Lohan slams Stephen Baldwin and these men are the only two people who care about Stephen Baldwin. [Reuters, Radar]

Scarlett Johansson does not like being labeled as "the sexiest woman alive," which is totally understandable because I don't like the cotton candy machine in my apartment and absolutely despise my ability to fly. [Showbiz Spy]

Hollie, the 24-year-old girl who caught the shrapnel from YOLO and Chris Brown's bottle brawl records herself ranting about "stupid famous people." I smell a Girls storyline, y'alllllzssss!!11 [TMZ]

"Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 is really funny and completely insane. There's Jacob falling in love with my daughter, who grows into an 11-year-old in three months! There were so many scenes where it felt so bizarre," says Robert Pattinson. Otay. [Digital Spy]

Ludacris and his girlfriend spent thousands of dollars at a strip club in the 404. [TMZ]

Ne-Yo and Bette Midler were inducted into the Songwriters' Hall Of Fame. OK, why the fuck was I not invited to that? [Contact Music]

Lindsay Lohan is concerned about the nudity in her upcoming movie because when you Google "lindsay lohan naked" there are not thousands of image results. [Page Six]

Here is a video of Jamie Lynn Spears singing a song called "I Look Up To You," about role model and big sister Britney at a Nashville bar and grill. It was followed by Grace Dunham's ode to big sister Lena, "That Time You Double-Dosed On Klonopin And Fell Droolingly Asleep At My High School Graduation." [Just Jared]

Harajuku Barbie Nicki Minajtweets at Obama: "I just don't understand why people have to worry about their "medical bills" while they're on their DEATH BEDS Mr. President." The first reply from a random person is: "You should focus your attention on the Supreme Court (who's voting on it now.)" Right. Because that's what Nicki Minaj is going to do, focus her attention on the Supreme Court. [Twitter]

Dr. Frasier Crane threw a baby shower for his wife Kayte, which at first glance I read as "Goyte," which would have been much better. [People]