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Tuesday, December 06, 2005

An Interview Gone Wrong: The Jeffrey Grimshaw Debacle.

I have gotten several requests over the past few weeks to interview Jeffrey Grimshaw, a man who helped create me in December of 1983. Against my better nature, I convinced Jeffrey to go online for the first time in five years and submit to questioning.

You have just entered room "jeffreygrimshawbojangles."bellasnodoubt: what are we doing?MyDadIsAWeenie: we are interviewingMyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey grimshawMyDadIsAWeenie: as soon as he figures out how to get inBlueVlvt6 has entered the room.MyDadIsAWeenie: JEFFREYMyDadIsAWeenie: this is monumentalMyDadIsAWeenie: like the wolfQuietAmerican283 has entered the room.QuietAmerican283: Hi everyonebellasnodoubt: hi jeffreybellasnodoubt: its jocelynBlueVlvt6: Hi.bellasnodoubt: i am honored to meet you jeffreyBlueVlvt6: Thank you. bellasnodoubt: jeffrey: can you tell me about the time you went vegan to meet girls?BlueVlvt6: It never happened. My daughter put a fake profile of me on "Veggiedate.com." MyDadIsAWeenie: WHATMyDadIsAWeenie: this is slanderQuietAmerican283: hahahabellasnodoubt: thats a lie, you moby inpersonatorMyDadIsAWeenie: you fucking took that profileMyDadIsAWeenie: and put your own pictures on itMyDadIsAWeenie: and communicated with the vegans on that siteMyDadIsAWeenie: so don't evenBlueVlvt6: I did later remove the insane false information and put up pictures, true.BRags753: I would like to know why Emma is currently petrified of cacti...HurricainFran has entered the roomMyDadIsAWeenie: DRUNK ERINBlueVlvt6: Is this the Erin who busted one of the panes in my French doors when you broke into my apartment through the basement?MyDadIsAWeenie: different erin.HurricainFran: Hahahhahha I wish I was that Erinbellasnodoubt: how do you feel about your wife being married to a man whose name sounds like pedifile?Sanock42: Wouldn't it be ex-wife?bellasnodoubt: yes his ex-wifebellasnodoubt: answer my q jeffreybellasnodoubt: dont blue ball meBlueVlvt6: As far as I know, my ex-wife is still married to Dimitri Kulek.HurricainFran: Jeffrey, do you prefer Sissy Spacek or Ashlee Simpson?BlueVlvt6: Sissy if we're talking like 1976.HurricainFran: If we're talkin 1976, Ashlee's not born yet. We're talkin todayMyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey, you need to learn to answer questions in a prompt fashionbellasnodoubt: seriously jeffreyBlueVlvt6: What question?HurricainFran: Did you only have one child because Emma's such a crazy?BlueVlvt6: Yeah, pretty much.MyDadIsAWeenie: assholebellasnodoubt: leave emma alone jeffreyHurricainFran: Why is Jocelyn sucking up to Emma?devilishnyc: yeah. BlueVlvt6: We were afraid she'd set any further babies on fire.bellasnodoubt: LOLbellasnodoubt: LOLbellasnodoubt: LOLdevilishnyc: HAHAHbellasnodoubt: LOLMyDadIsAWeenie: you are such a cuntbellasnodoubt: tell us about the time emma got her first period and how that made you feeldevilishnyc: OOoHurricainFran: I hate period questionsdevilishnyc: me tooQuietAmerican283: christ, jocelyn you have no shameBlueVlvt6: I don't know about "first" period, but the one where she soaked my sheets with blood so it looked like an Al Qieda execution cell was pretty memorable.MyDadIsAWeenie: ASSHOLEQuietAmerican283: hahahahahabellasnodoubt: grossBRags753: hehMyDadIsAWeenie: that never happeneddevilishnyc: HAHA emma PADS WITH WINGS!BlueVlvt6: I had to throw out the frigging BOX SPRING, Emma.bellasnodoubt: jeffrey did you ever question your sexuality?BlueVlvt6: Nah.bellasnodoubt: have you ever kissed a guy?BlueVlvt6: Only on stage.bellasnodoubt: my arseHurricainFran: Its okay if you haven't, Jeffrey, neither has JocelynQuietAmerican283: emma why are you always bleeding on stuffMyDadIsAWeenie: what else have i bled onQuietAmerican283: um, the blanket that you still useQuietAmerican283: which still has blood on itMyDadIsAWeenie: can we discuss your similarity to mobyBlueVlvt6: We're dead ringers from the ears up.HurricainFran: and from the belt down?MyDadIsAWeenie: EWdevilishnyc: ewbellasnodoubt: you have herpes too?BlueVlvt6: No idea. MyDadIsAWeenie: since when does moby have herpesbellasnodoubt: thats what i heardHurricainFran: Jocelyn gave them to himbellasnodoubt: fuck you erinbellasnodoubt: this slander is ridicdevilishnyc: i gave the herpes to jocelyndevilishnyc: maxi gave them to mebellasnodoubt: and kunal gave them to himdevilishnyc: it is a chain of people who know emma who slept with each otherdevilishnyc: or put open cold sore to orificeHurricainFran: ok, my roommate and I have to go write a sequel to Herbie, about a shopping cart with tourettes who also rapes peopleMyDadIsAWeenie: you never answered brags questionMyDadIsAWeenie: from forever agoBRags753: indeeddevilishnyc: is brags here?BlueVlvt6: Which one?BRags753: Why is Emma afraid of cactiBlueVlvt6: The cactus thing is new to me. I know she's a little leery of my Chia Pet.MyDadIsAWeenie: WHATMyDadIsAWeenie: there's nothing GROWING from your chia petdevilishnyc: what kind of chia pet do you haveBlueVlvt6: Chia Hippo.devilishnyc: is it elmer fudd or like a devilishnyc: ohMyDadIsAWeenie: brags is referring to the time you neglected meMyDadIsAWeenie: and i fell in the cactiBlueVlvt6: Oh. Well, the jury is still out on the "fell" part.BlueVlvt6: It appeared to most observers you just sort of parked yourself in a cactus patch.devilishnyc: uh, can jeffrey grimshaw actually BE a bojangles, emma?QuietAmerican283: yeah that would mean that I'm related to him somehowBlueVlvt6: No, I can't be a bojangles.devilishnyc: i am not a bojanglesdevilishnyc: I AM A BOGANGLEGrrrrlVicious has entered the room.MyDadIsAWeenie: GRRRLVICIOUSGrrrrlVicious: hello.devilishnyc: grrrrlvicious IS here!SweeT Pie91285 has entered the room.MyDadIsAWeenie: inna is hereMyDadIsAWeenie: for a cameo appearance, but she has to go study and shizzleSweeT Pie91285: Hello... BlueVlvt6: Hi, Inna.SweeT Pie91285 has left the room.MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffrey, how come in my baby bookMyDadIsAWeenie: under possible baby namesMyDadIsAWeenie: mom has stuff like james, emma, corneliaMyDadIsAWeenie: and you have charlie and mr. beefMyDadIsAWeenie: i want to know why you didn't love the foetus growing in your wife's uterusMyDadIsAWeenie: and wanted to give it bad namesBlueVlvt6: I wanted to give it good names but I was overruled.GrrrrlVicious: that's awesome. I want to name my first kid Mr. beef.BlueVlvt6: But you'll always be "Mr. Beef" to me.devilishnyc: that is the most endearing thing i have ever heard!MyDadIsAWeenie: can we talk about how you used to have to pee and shit on the side of the roadBlueVlvt6: True.BlueVlvt6: I have one of those cars without a bathroom.MyDadIsAWeenie: remember the timeMyDadIsAWeenie: you had to shit on route 12MyDadIsAWeenie: and mom put the hazard lightsMyDadIsAWeenie: onMyDadIsAWeenie: so every other second we could see you shittingdevilishnyc: HAHAHAHBlueVlvt6: I recall it as kind of a strobe effect, myself.devilishnyc: like a rave devilishnyc: but fundevilishnyc: i would go to that raveMyDadIsAWeenie: okay jeffrey, what are your thoughts about winonaMyDadIsAWeenie: and how society cruelly treated herBlueVlvt6: I thought whatever Alien movie she was in was a tad too gross for me.QuietAmerican283: hahaha, that movie sucked ballsangelfisheyny has entered the room.angelfisheyny: i feel like i'm watching a preshow on e! with all your away message celebrities together in one placeMyDadIsAWeenie: is kathy griffin thereMyDadIsAWeenie: lying about dakota fanningangelfisheyny: yes.angelfisheyny: she is.QuietAmerican283: and joan rivers talking about having to go douchedevilishnyc: hahahdevilishnyc: wowMyDadIsAWeenie: did joan really do thatQuietAmerican283: yeah, couple years agodevilishnyc: did you douche joan rivers or did she douche you?angelfisheyny: i doubt she can lean her face far enough over to douche; the skin would tearangelfisheyny: i guess she could do it by feeling.MyDadIsAWeenie: why would your face need to be...involvedangelfisheyny: i like to see what i put in my vaginaMyDadIsAWeenie: OH JESUSQuietAmerican283: yeah I'm sorry I sparked this discussion nowangelfisheyny: i feel like jocelyn.devilishnyc: let's note that in the entire discourse of this chatroom i have not metioned the vital part of the female anatomy.devilishnyc: but michelle has.angelfisheyny: hey, maximillion brought up douchingQuietAmerican283: that's only indirectly related to vaginas thoughangelfisheyny: uhh what else do you doucheQuietAmerican283: douche can mean many thingsQuietAmerican283: Sylvia comes to mindMyDadIsAWeenie: hey "father"BlueVlvt6: What?MyDadIsAWeenie: remember when i broke the pink dildo in the streetdevilishnyc: EWangelfisheyny: okay, i'm going to skip over the "pink dildo" commentary entirely, and skip to, why did you take it into the street?MyDadIsAWeenie: i was scaring the kids in my neighborhoodBlueVlvt6: She was pretty good at that.angelfisheyny: god i wish i lived in your neighborhoodBlueVlvt6: When she was three, she and I were walking into town...MyDadIsAWeenie: NOMyDadIsAWeenie: NO NO NOangelfisheyny: go go go!devilishnyc: did you tell an old woman she looked like ethel merman cause my mom did that ... and she yelled at her and my mom cried?BlueVlvt6: ...And passed a lawn where some high school girls were practicing cheerleading...BlueVlvt6: Well, okay, I don't want to embarrass you.angelfisheyny: aaaah go go!devilishnyc: NOangelfisheyny: do it!devilishnyc: GOdevilishnyc: GOQuietAmerican283: tell it!devilishnyc: GOdevilishnyc: GOMyDadIsAWeenie: just for the recordMyDadIsAWeenie: i'm no longer friends with any of youBlueVlvt6: ...and she lifted up her little shirt and announced...BlueVlvt6: "I have nipples!"devilishnyc: HAangelfisheyny: HAHAHAHHAHABRags753: hahahahahahaQuietAmerican283: amazingMyDadIsAWeenie: i don't think that happened.angelfisheyny: it still does.MyDadIsAWeenie: WHATMyDadIsAWeenie: I ONLY FLASH KUNALangelfisheyny: okay, kunal is 389239802 times more vulnerable than a flock of cheerleadersangelfisheyny: so i'll say it's worse.QuietAmerican283: poor kunalMyDadIsAWeenie: i was only threeangelfisheyny: i used to run around naked with my undershirt on my head when i was three.MyDadIsAWeenie: jeffreyMyDadIsAWeenie: closing commentsBlueVlvt6: This is tough when everybody's looking at you.MyDadIsAWeenie: everybody was looking at you when you talked about my nipples and bloodMyDadIsAWeenie: you were okay thenBlueVlvt6: I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to tell the really embarrassing Emma stories.BlueVlvt6: Actually, I think when I was telling that story...BlueVlvt6: They were looking at you.MyDadIsAWeenie: there are no other embarrassing storiesBlueVlvt6: I'm at something of a loss...BlueVlvt6: to think of an UNembarrassing Emma story...BlueVlvt6: ...but hey.MyDadIsAWeenie: you're ALL talkBlueVlvt6: Well, good thing this is a chat room, then.QuietAmerican283: Oh!QuietAmerican283: SnapQuietAmerican283: speaking of which, house isn't on tonight and that's REALLY upsettingQuietAmerican283: Jeffrey how do you feel about houseBlueVlvt6: I haven't actually seen any episodes all the way through...QuietAmerican283: that's a shameBlueVlvt6: But my friend Steve Heth writes for it sometimes, so it's probably okay.QuietAmerican283: you're missing amazingnessMyDadIsAWeenie: his gimpyness is orgasmicQuietAmerican283: emma thinks I should develop a limp when i become a doctorQuietAmerican283: even if I have to fake itBlueVlvt6: Emma has a lot of really good ideas like that.MyDadIsAWeenie: what is that supposed to meanBlueVlvt6: They're all just GREAT ideas.MyDadIsAWeenie: you're being sarcastic, but i'm going to pretend you're notMyDadIsAWeenie: because they ARE all greatBlueVlvt6: That's my Mr. Beef!

It should be noted that about 75% of the conversation that took place here made absolutely no sense once taken out of context, so I'm doing the world an enormous favor in excluding it.