CABLE GUIDE SPOILERZ:New, HD, "Three Men and a Snooki", (2011), Snooki is devastated over her big fight with Jionni, and decides to take a break from the relationship. Mike thinks it's finally his chance to win her over, but it's someone else who ends up comforting her. Meanwhile, Deena has a pregnancy scare. (Reality).

Opening credits - THIS is episode 9 of season 4 of JERSEY SHORE, premiering in glorious windowboxed SD on MTV 9/29/11! This episode is rated TV-14-DLS.

We're all still feeling the aftermath of last night (aka last week's episode) but it's Ronnie, Pauly D and Deena drawing the early shift at the pizzeria. YES! We're going to see them go to WORK this week! Whether or not we'll actually see anybody WORK, however, is another matter entirely. Ronnie is SO hung over he's wearing the same pants he wore last night - an unforgivable sin if you're a "Jersey Shore" cast member. I'm not sure anybody got much sleep - kinda like me on a Thursday night. It's funny...MTV suggests this hash tag for Twitter which NOBODY will EVER use - #ihearditonMTV - I love how they don't want you capitalising "I" but you DAMN well better capitalise "MTV" - you see, it all speaks to the depersonalisation of the...well, anyway, I just checked twitter and actually THREE people have used it in the past four hours. So that's that theory out the window. (I'll try to include it in a tweet later myself and see if I can scam somebody from MTV into reading this report - and then instigating a cease-and-desist. Ah, we get our grins where we can.) But NONE of this is why you're here, so let's start over.

Pauly, Deena and Ronnie head to the pizzeria.

Snooki CAN'T sleep, and shuffles over to either the confessional room to talk to us, or to the phone to try calling Jionni again - but she hits the Audix EVERY time. This is HORRIBLE, she says. In fact, it's so horrible... she doesn't even know what else to say! So with nothing to give us, we head

Back to the pizzeria. Deena is "sweating balls." Pauly throws...something on the floor near some patrons and makes a big deal as if one of the diners dropped it. To us, he tells us how he enjoys making lots of noise and being generally cheerful when others are experiencing the hangover (part II). I STILL don't know what that thing is on the floor, but Pauly is definitely loud.

Back to the house, and Snooki announces she's depressed. She wants to go somewhere and tries to engage Jenni, but Jenni is still trying to sleep. "I'll talk to you when I get up." To US, Jenni reminds us that Snooki was a real bitch to her last night (flashback!) and she's not up for dropping everything to cater to her whims at the moment. Snooki decides to head out, puts on her Berzerker boots and proclaims that she won't be back until the sun is down. To us, Snooki (sans eye makeup!) cries some more and expresses worry that Jionni will never speak to her again - really, they'd both be better off. She destroys the interior door on her way out. "Como si dice ... where the (fuck) is my boyfriend?"

And she's outside! Deciding that she needs a beer, we follow her to ASTOR (astorcafe.com) where she gets a beer, and bops along to whatever beat happens to be playing. We experience the dichotomy of Snooki crying to us about how Jionni should be there with her - and Snooki dancing with herself, drinking beer, and yelling to anyone within earshot about how she flew in her boyfriend only for him to leave her, and dancing. "So don't look at me like I'm a (fucking) weirdo, I'm HEARTBROKEN. So let me dance. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm mm mm mm mm..."

Back at the pizzeria, Marco has a job for Deena - cleaning the restroom. She doesn't warm to this concept. "I don't do bathrooms, this is not gonna happen." She ALMOST gets the toilet brush into the bowl - then almost retches. I guess she's worried it might affect her nails or something (despite the fact that she has gloves on). She decides instead to wipe the toilet down with...the mop. Pauly stops by long enough to offer sympathy. "Marco, I'm finished!"

Well, that's all we're gonna get from work THIS time around. Everybody's heading home. Ciao!

Snooki is also heading home. We don't know how many beers she had, but she can't say "this is the worst day of my life - I'm not kidding!" without burping a few times.

Jenni is STILL in bed by the time Snooki is back. She goes back to the phone - Sammi joins her to make sure she's OK. She is not OK. ON THE PHONE: SNOOKI'S DAD - well, THIS oughta be good. That guy always flies off the handle and threatens to come to (wherever they are) and bring her home once and for all, but then he never does. Snooki tells her father that Jionni left - but I'm guessing she still hasn't told him about the going to jail for crashing into a police car - or about sleeping with Deena, for that matter. Deena and Ronnie are also nearby to eavesdrop. After she proclaims disbelief that her father can possibly understand how she feels and how she's even more depressed than before, he works up a righteously indignant "Why did he leave you? What the (bleep)?! If he knew this was gonna happen, he shouldn'ta (fuckin') came!" Now Jenni is back and Snooki TURNS on her. "I needed you, (asshole), I needed you." At this point, I will remark that it must be cold in that room for Jenni. There, I got it out of my system. "I didn't have anybody." Jenni wipes away tears. "I'm SORRY." So the whole business of how pissed off she was kinda dissipated in a whopping five seconds. "I can't be mad at this girl" because she's still hysterically crying. That's an OUTSTANDING reason to be mad at this girl! Oh well. Hugs all around after she's done on the phone with Dad. Snooki almost cops a feel! But that must be from all the tears in her eyes. Snooki cries some more. She's not happy with him! She loves him and this sucks! ** NOW PLAYING: Kopek - Bigger Than Us All (The W at Amazon) **

COMING UP: She gets Jionni on the phone - but he's on a train!

LATER: Vinny is naked and on the prowl!

I am probably revealing my advanced age but this ad for "Beavis & Butt-head" has me more excited than anything else. BUT. It looks like IT won't be in Hi-Def, either. OLD SKOOL

Here now, Snooki's monologue for the cameraman (and her cigarette): "I'm just a f****** loser. I need to change myself to f***** get married, I swear. No one can f****** handle me. I hate myself. I hate the (fuck) who I am." Jenni comes out to join her and they continue to talk. Jenni apologises AGAIN for being as mad as she was last night, but last night saw some extraordinary circumstances. I doubt Snooki remembers any of 'em, of course. "I understand when I get drunk I get crazy, but don't HATE me for it - I need you this morning, and you weren't there." Jenni tells us that Snooki was just being Snooki last night and SHE (Jenni) was the (asshole) for not putting that (bullshit) aside - oh, come ON, JWOWW. I don't expect this kind of doormat behaviour from you! But she's gonna help her figure this out. Jionni couldn't have IMMEDIATELY gotten a flight - he must be around and they'll find him.

Sammi brings her a beer. THAT'LL help. Snooki...now worries about how she looks. Sammi proclaims the dress cute, and it doesn't matter how her face looks given what she's been going through - oh, man, THAT won't help. Makeup and eyelashses are discussed. I am going to try to finish this in my lifetime so I will move on. "You look like you. Who cares?"

Amazingly, when JENNI calls Jionni, Jionni actually answers. I think she was surprised by that too. She asks him if he's still in Florence and he says no. She thinks he's lying. He immediately starts going into his side of it, a spiel which we heard in detail last week, but if you're new to this recap, it's basically that Snooki lifted her skirt and that was embarrassing to him, so he's leaving her forever. I think that's the distillation of it right there. Jenni begs him to talk to Snooki - she's never seen her this way, she's so helpless, give her two minutes. He relents - he probably doesn't want to deal with any more of Jenni's crap and would rather deal with Nicole's crap. She wants to see him! She needs to see him! Why'd he leave her? He doesn't get two words out before she starts repeating herself. "I can't do it. You don't know what you did to me...I can't talk about it. I already left. I took a train to Rome." "Whatever." Jenni, hearing "Whatever," intervenes and takes the phone back, begging him to turn around. Snooki is firmly in "whatever" mode (and back to the bottle) but Jenni tells her "you're not being Sam right now" - which gets an interesting take from Sammi - "because in ten minutes you're gonna (fucking) change your mind." Jenni offers to pay "whatever it takes" to get him to turn around, come back and talk to Snooki. Now...trains don't actually turn around, but you get the idea. Jionni finally relents - telling Jenni to walk her to the train station and he'll meet her out front. Jenni knew he was lying! So Jenni tells Snooki to get it together and they're going to the train station. Deena: "Why's he being such a prick?" Jenni: "(Asshole)." Snooki is also doubtful: "He sounded like he was at a frickin' bar!" "Don't say stupid things like that - SAM!" Sammi: "Stop! That's not me anymore! Tell her she's being the OLD me." Well, Sammi SORTA stood up for herself there. "OK, Sam, let's go get Ron...she's having a Sam moment." Sammi: "She's definitely having a Sam moment." Snooki STILL has the beer, which our cameraman dutifully zooms in on for our benefit.

Outside. "Uhh, I'm gonna throw up." Jenni yells out for anyone who understands English to point them towards the train station. Someone must have, because she says "Grazi." They take a moment to compare each other's hastily applied eyelashes. (Snooki: "I glued them on drunk.") I think this is more to preoccupy Snooki's mind than for anything else. I hope that's it.

And there he is. JIONNI stands alone and unmic'd. Snooki quickens her shuffle to catch up to him. Jionni... sees some shmutz on her face and starts trying to wipe it off? She's not having that and hugs him instead. He hugs back. "Please don't ever leave me like that again." "Listen, I have to go." Ahahahahaha tremendous. She begs him to not go but he has to go. His mom already changed the ticket! To us: "Nothing ever goes my way, I swear. Nothing ever goes my way." They do end up walking back to the house (Jenni is long gone), and once again we get to hear Jionni talk about how Snooki took her skirt off and he snapped. She apologises again. He flipped out, called his family, and demanded they book him a flight. "You're the only thing that makes me happy and you're leaving me so just say goodbye so I can go upstairs and (fucking) cry." She wants to bury herself in a hole! Jionni asks for a hug and he doesn't want to miss another train. He's a little bipolar, no? Snooki cries and begs him to stay, but no dice. Jionni actually says it's HIS fault and he (fucked) up, which now sounds like he'll say anything to get the hell out of there...and yet, they haven't broken up? "Be good, all right? Promise?" Kiss. "Love you." And he's gone. Snooki with the trademark whimper. And up the stairs crying. ** NOW PLAYING: Vinnie Ferra - Who Do You Love (vinnieferra.bandcamp.com) ** It breaks her heart! Her heart is broken! I think we get it!

COMING UP: Jenni says "Pregnancy test!"

LATER: Snooki tells Jionni she's not calling back for a few days. He says "that's your decision." Oh, the intrigue (that this storyline will never end)

You may be interested to know that tonight's (bleeping) bleeps have been sponsored by THE SITTER! I wonder if "sponsored censorship" is a real thing - and since it probably is, how much MTV pocketed for it.

I wish the upcoming version of "Footloose" weren't a real thing

Hey, there are other people in this house! Let's catch up on them. Mike is...lounging. Sammi has spied Vinny in purple pants - and she's not sure how she feels about this development! Pauly has decided that Vinny needs to put the couch in their bedroom on Deena's mattress. So he does. "That's what's up." After checking the living room and seeing the coast is clear, the couch ends up the foundation for a very complicated and well engineered pile of everything Deena owns on top of her bed. Vinny lets us know that pranking Deena is the most hilarious thing in the world. Pauly seems to agree, finding that work of art the best day of his life. Mission accomplished, the purple pants are doffed because it's shower time. Sammi is amazed by the pyramid.

Later, Deena has to get ready. She enters her bedroom and...gawks. Pauly: "Don't look at me!" So Deena makes a beeline for the bathroom and Vinny - but Vinny is in the shower. This doesn't stop him from making a run at her while buck nekkid after she threatens to make a run at HIM. She now regrets saying that as he puts his wiener on her. "Ew! Get it off of me! He put his penis on me! Jerk!" I *believe* that classifies as sexual assault...but on "Jersey Shore," it's just good clean fun. So now it's left to Deena to disassemble the pyramid - in the process, she ends up tipping HERSELF over and underneath the couch. There are her extreme panties! She says she's really stuck. It finally falls to Jenni to help her out from underneath the furniture tangle. Again, this is the best day of Pauly D's life.

Gettin' ready montage! - Jionni could be here right now, but Jenni isn't hearing it - she jumps on Snooki's bed AND Snooki to get her to agree to come along. "Don't touch me - I'm bloated and I'm gonna fart on you!" Sadly, she does not fart (in a way where we could pick it up). "Oh, that hurts - you must really hurt Roger!" Giggles all around. Snooki has managed to not spill her cup of beer this entire time. Snooki tells us she's going after all. "Do I look like Elvira?" Pauly heralds the arrival of the cabs by grabbing alternate ass cheeks on Snooki - causing her to fall over and show us another blurred body part AND she finally spilled that beer.

** NOW PLAYING: Cobra Starship - #1Nite ** Deena wonders if her outfit makes her look fat. What she's REALLY wondering is: am I pregnant? She tells us she's very emotional and that's the sign. That, and the missed period.

Tonight's destination is Central Park (centralfirenze.it)! It's a hot place filled with people with blurred out faces - except this poor guy who has to endure Snooki's "gettin' out my aggression" dancing-slash-grindi​ng-slash-choking combination. There's an erotic asphyxiation joke in here somewhere, but I'm not about to find it.

Meanwhile, the other girls are sitting out. "Can I tell you something?" Deena confesses to Jenni that she had some sex before the trip and now wonders if she might be pregnant. To us, Jenni doesn't disappoint with an "Oh my (fucking) GOD, like, can I get a NORMAL night?" Deena gets dizzy all the time - and it couldn't be from all that drinking - oh, and by the way, you've been drinking every night since they got here."

They walk the streets looking for an all-night pregnancy test shop. To us, Deena tells us how being pregnant would really be a bad deal given all the drinking, smoking, partying, and parents who would kill her. She may slit her wrists!

They find a pharmacy, but it's closed (of course) - but Jenni cannot be swayed - she buzzes the buzzer until somebody who must LIVE there wakes up and answers the door to sell her a pregnancy test. It's an emergency, you see. Deena is crying like she's Snooki. "I'm embarrassing my family!" "Deena....compose yourself." "No!"

Meanwhile, the fellas probably have absolutely no idea any of this is going on as we watch them leaving the club. Sammi has roses again. Oh, that Ronnie.

Back to crying Deena - maybe she's figuring out that the father would have to be Snooki?

Shockingly, she's not going to piss right there in the street to figure this out - they're going to take the test home and take it there. "Can you hide it?"

Mike buzzes them in. Mike, by the way, looks like he's been cutting his own hair. "Where were you guys?" "We had to get a...food." "Oh." "I gotta pee so bad..."

Test handed to her, Deena heads to the bathroom to figure it out.

COMING UP: Snooki is still gonna have that phone call!

LATER: Vinny would NEVER kick Snooki out of his bed - and here's proof!

No, I also cannot believe they dragged the pregnancy test over an ad break - ha, are you serious, bro? Of COURSE they did. They don't have a whole lot to work with here! "How long do you wait?" "Five minutes." Everybody else is sleeping.

Time to check! One is no, two is yes. "One is no, right?" "Yep." "Thank God." "Feel better?" "Yes!" Wooooo! And that's the end of THAT chapter.

It's raining in Florence! But Snooki is back to the phone to make sure Jionni is OK. We have NO idea how much she misses him right now! Oh, I think we have SOME idea. I should note that her nails are the same shade of green as her top. ON THE PHONE: SNOOKI'S BOYFRIEND JIONNI - the flight back was horrible. "To be honest with you, walking out was something I had to do. If I just sat there and watched you dancing with your skirt up, you know, who was gonna respect me?" Snooki actually reads my mind with her response: "Really?" She's having trouble accepting the fact that he would leave over that. HE has trouble accepting the fact that she was dancing like a (fucking) pig. THE MOOD CHANGES - or perhaps that's just the dramatic stab of music we just got. She can't believe he said that. "I was just drunk and I wanted to have sex with you." He again goes back to the embarrassment thing. She finally says she didn't deserve this. "I deserve to fly across the country and have my girlfriend humiliate me?" She doesn't want to talk any more. HE wants to talk it out, but she doesn't want to continue with this. He's not letting her be herself and she's starting to wonder why she's still with him if he wants her to be someone else. "You're drunk seven days a week, you're hooking up with girls, and you're dancing in your underwear. That's not you?" The kid...has a point. "I don't want to talk to you right now." She says she's going to not call him for a few days. "That's your decision." "Yeah, it IS my decision. You've never said that before. Good job." "Said what?" Click. "OHHHH MY GOD." The phone immediately rings. (Or maybe through the magic of editing...who can say.) Nicole opts to not answer it. Apparently, nobody answers it, so we'll never know for sure! To us: "What am I gonna do? I love this kid to death, but the fact that he's doing this to me, I don't get it."

COMING UP: Mike senses an opportunity!

One more plug for "The Sitter" for sponsoring tonight's censorship

Man, I LOVE Dr Pepper....but I ain't hanging out with Pitbull underneath the freeway overpass for ALL the Dr Pepper in the WORLD

"I don't think I'm wrong. I'm not wrong, right? I'm starting to question what I did." Sammi: "For once, you're not wrong." Wow, that is BACKhanded. But to us, Sammi says she's really proud of Nicole for sticking up for herself. She doesn't deserve this! Nicole debriefs the rest of her roommates on the call. Ronnie actually says he wouldn't have let Sam pull that shit...and he knew there would be trouble because he was commenting on the outfit before she even left the house. (Flashback to last week: Jionni comments on Nicole's outfit and Ronnie high-fives him.) Why can't you look slutty for your boyfriend? Jenni says Nicole was just being Nicole - you shouldn't change for a man, you should find a man that accepts you. Deena says he hooked up with her at the Jersey house and he knew what he was getting into. Nicole runs to the confession room to tell us how she needs to be out of Italy, get her nails done and go to Karma. "If I went to Karma tonight, I'd be fine." Next thing we know, she's running out to the living room squealing, asking Pauly D to set up his DJ kit so they can pretend the living room is Karma. Whaaaaaa? I almost wonder if some producer put a bug in her ear. But Pauly's down with this idea so it slowly gets sold to everybody in the house. They're all gonna get fresh and bring Karma to the living room. They leave the garbage on the floor for authenticity! Spray tan! Hairspray! Headband! This is the best day of Pauly D's life! Vinny practices his moves, and Pauly interrupts, and they do a routine for our benefit. CABS ARE HERE!

Drinks all around! Everybody's wearing comical shades. Ronnie plays bouncer.** NOW PLAYING: Christina Fulton - Thank U ** Dance montage! Ronnie tells us that Mike is playing his Karma role to the hilt - goofy shades, sitting in the corner, "and being the biggest creep ever." At this point, I can't tell if they're actually flicking a light on and off, or if that's just post-production magic movie effects like almost every other scene of this show. Ronnie and Vinny do the "you duck under my swinging fist" dance. Deena falls over - so she's fulfilling HER role.Pauly D reminds us one more time that this is the best day of his life.

And now Snooki asks Mike to take off her shoes - and he's creepy, of course. "Now that Jionni's on the outs right now with Nicole, she's definitely flirting with me." Mike changes into a "smooth" outfit, complete with fresh hat. ** NOW PLAYING: Wallpaper. - Okay ** There's a semblance of a touch dance. Now they're all gonna go out to the courtyard and smoke. Mike tries to grab her to walk her there. "Don't touch."

Out on the courtyard, Mike comes out and asks why she doesn't just break up with the dude and let him rock her world? Jenni: "Ewwwwww" "I can take care of her better than anybody else can." Jenni tells us Mike's just trying to (fuck) up someone's relationship and get away with it. Nicole insists that they're just friends. Mike won't accept this. "Why do we hook up all the time then?" "Mike.." "I will be quiet--" "Shut up." "I won't say anything." "I know what happened." "I love you." "You know what happened, so shut up." "And I love you. I do."

We continue with Mike and Snooki. Snooki: "You love me as a good friend like I love you like a good friend." "But we've hooked up before." Mike seems really insistent on making sure we're all aware of this point. "Mike--" Mike tells us that Nicole continuing to deny that it happened makes him look like kind of a liar - NO. "I know you have a boyfriend...but I would date you." Jenni says she wants to vomit hearing this. She and Deena take off. Mike continues, saying that he's not a fan of the way Jionni's treating her and he could take care of her. He takes it even further, saying that other people in the house were begging him to kick Jionni in the head, and he was defending Jionni as a nice kid, BUT he doesn't treat her right. That sentence alone could give you whiplash. Snooki wants to know who told him to kick Jionni in the head and Mike fingers Ronnie. "Ronnie's like 'yo, Mike, I understand what you gotta do tonight,' and I'm like 'yo, for real?' He's like, 'Yo, protect yourself.'" I think that statement lacks context - ah, fortunately we flash back to last episode: "Ron, this kid's giving me looks, dog." "Just do what you gotta do." That...doesn't seem the same to me. Mike continues: "All the guys were like, kick him when you get outta the car." Snooki tells us that she's really fucking pissed off because she thought she could trust everybody in the house...which means she's BELIEVING this horse crap. Oh well. That's Snooki for ya. If all the boys are talking shit, that's not OK. Deena pops in to request a lighter - and Snooki decides this is a good time to not hear anymore.

Snooki goes straight to Ron to find out what's up. Mike hides. Did he say "Do what you gotta do?" Ron confirms that yes, Mike wanted to fight Jionni and yes, he said "do what you gotta do." Rather than place it in context, though, Ron gets defensive and says he didn't want to get involved in that bullshit in the first place and still doesn't. To us, Ron says Mike wants to wrap him up in the drama but he needs to worry about himself at this point. Unfortunately, he fails to say the exact same thing to Snooki. Ron wants a hug but Snooki is not a willing participant in it. "Relax." Snooki doesn't know what to do right now - nobody has her back and this may be the worst she's ever felt towards her roommates. "I'll just go to bed and sleep 'til I (fucking) leave!" Who is she talking to? The camerman, I guess. She's in her bed with Croco-dilly.

Meanwhile, Mike has changed into his casual track suit - no sunglasses but still has the hat - and rejoins the clan in the living room. Jenni and Sammi felt Mike was being unnecessary. Pauly says "he's being Mike and I accept him." Ronnie is eating. Mike says it wasn't intentional; it's just where the conversation took them. Uh huh. I believe Mike started it with the "dump the zero and get with a hero" spiel. Jenni insists that if Mike stays on this path, he'll lose Nicole as a friend, and he vehemently denies that'll ever happen. "She will choose Jionni over anybody." "So when Nicole was (fucking) me, right, watching her girlfriend get (fucked), right..." "Are you (fucking) kidding me right now?" We get one of those dramatic musical cues to let us know shit's about to go down. Sammi and Jenni go ballistic while Ronnie and Pauly exchange grins and giggles. Jenni: "You're talking about my best friend giving you (head)--" "Well, she did then!" Wait, I think one of the combatants is outside the ring...this conversation....WILL CONTINUE

Coming up next: even more action in "Jersey Shore: After Hours!"

So there's the third time we've had to hear him say it. Jenni can't believe how disgusting Mike is being. Mike has had enough - he's not arguing, he's not fighting with anybody tonight - and he walks off. Ronnie: "I love fantasy this time of year." Pauly: "Me too, it's my favourite." And everybody breaks.

Snooki has decided she needs food and heads to the kitchen, where Deena already is. She tries some....something from the pizzeria but it's disgusting. "Ew, this sucks balls." Ronnie and Sammi are still together - what a relief! Mike is alone, I guess. Deena wants to cuddle with Pauly. Snooki gets their first, and next thing you know she's bouncing in his vicinity. Now they're spooning. "You don't do that for me...I'm jealous." "I'll squeeze in with Vin; you go with Pauly. Vin, can I squeeze in for two seconds? ... Are you being a poop?" Hmmm, so it was some kinda fiendishly clever ploy, right? Even Vinnie says "Stop being a wingwoman for Deena." Of course, we saw the previews all week and, now that it's almost 57 past the hour, we're finally gonna see Vinny and Snooki kiss. God, previews ruin EVERYTHING. Vinnie, to us: "I can't believe it. I'm laying in bed, Snooki comes in, I'm single - so what am I gonna do, throw her out of the (fuckin') room, no!" "Could you cuddle without being a freak?" "Could I cuddle without being a freak...what does that mean, like get a boner?" "(Shit) happens." Lights out! Pauly wants to sleep but Deena wants to continue to cuddle - "no, no, beds are too small in here." A very soft argument continues. Pauly D, to us: "Deena wants to sleep in my bed tonight - I'm not trying to smush Deena. Not gonna happen. Go to your bed." Deena, to us: "I tried to tonight. I really did. But he snuggled with me for about like, five, ten minutes tonight - so I guess that's something." Back to the giggling couple in the third bed. "I want you to f*** me." Whoa! "Are you with Jionni anymore?" Closed captioning is different: "Are you drunk?" Snooki shakes her head. "Kiss me." "OK." Pauly, to us: "There's a lot of stuff going on in that bed right now. I see tha blanket moving up and down - I see Snooki's head popping up for air - we all know what's going down." Clothing is removed - sheets are repositioned - Mike sleeps alone and ignorant - credits are rolling.

NEXT TIME: Snooki isn't sure what the fuck just happened - oh, the irony of it all! Mike is unhappy that Nicole is making him for some kinda liar, so he dropped the dime to Unit and ALSO gave him Jionni's number! Yes, THIS is the episode where Nicole smashes some bottles in The Situation's direction - and if the pattern holds, you can expect to see that right around 55 after the hour. Wait, maybe not - ALSO next week, Jenni tries to introduce reason to Snooki - which makes her the worst best friend EVER. So...Snooki is breaking up with Jenni, too? FINALLY, Snooki gets back on the phone and promises that after she says what she has to say...he'll never want to speak to her again. (Say it with me, kids - "We can only hope.")

"Jersey Shore: After Hours" starts RIGHT NOW - can't wait to hear Vinny say: "If the opportunity comes...so will I."

Sam and Ron's relationship has moved into some kind of meta-world where a) they can look at another couple's fight and analyze how THEY would have fought under the same circumstances and b) the other roommates openly call each other out as "you're being like Sam" RIGHT IN FRONT OF SAM.

"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." --- Bart Giamatti, on baseball