First the Bengals QB was reported to have an "intestinal virus." Then it was "flu-like symptoms." Finally, just "the flu." This is sports code for one of two things: a hangover, or just outright shitting all over the place. Dalton was shitting all over the place. But now he's not!

"I feel great. It was a tough day yesterday, but I feel a lot better than I did," said Dalton. "It was just a one-day thing. It was kind of out of nowhere. But I feel good now, so that's a good thing."

Everyone send some sympathy Dalton's way. For 24 hours, he was just spraying diarrhea everywhere, doubled over in pain as his bowels turned to water. But he's all better now, and he won't have to answer any more questions about his raw anus or tired sphincter. Just football.