A 33 year old “unexplained” couple, embarking on IVF #9 (now up to IVF #10- OH make that #11) in a unique way…come join me…..UPDATED: A jaded 11 IVFer trying to figure out motherhood to twins...who knew it'd be this confusing?

10/09/2011

Maybe a fellow IFer will see me coming down the sidewalk with the double stroller and think to herself, “Yep, been there, done that.” It’s a tiny message I’ll be sending out to the IF community! ☺

As the twins are getting older they are starting to develop more features, and not look so “generic baby,” if that makes sense. Only recently am I actually starting to think Princess looks a little like me (Peanut is 100% DH, it’s like my genes didn’t even make it in there.) It’s a really weird feeling, emotions that I’m processing that no fertile would even think to herself. I have to say right off the bat that not one day goes by where I don’t appreciate the fact that the twins are biologically ours. And I don’t mean that in a narcisstic way. I guess it’s a little hard to explain, but for example, Peanut has some nose issues and I always have, so we can assume what he has is what I have. Or, the way Princess reacts to mosquitoes bites- it’s the same as me so I didn’t really freak out when two of them started to blister up. I guess it’s a level of comfort when it comes to medical issues. On the other hand (on a superficial level), I can sometimes see that perhaps Princesses’ nose is going to be a huge schnoze like mine was, and I feel bad. I know this isn’t really making a lot of sense, and absolutely there have been times where I thought for a mili-second that perhaps they would have been better off with someone else’s hand picked genes. But even after nine months, whenever someone says one of them looks like us, or makes some sort of similar comment, I always always ALWAYS appreciate it and have a little moment of awe that we actually did it. I wonder if I’ll ever get over this wonder- will they be at their prom and a fellow mom will come up to me and remark how much Princess looks like me, and I’ll still be thinking to myself how much we went through to have bio kids, after four unsuccessful IVF cycles using donor genetic material? (Please do not take this as a negative statement about using donor eggs/sperm! I certainly don’t feel that way and we would feel blessed no matter how our kids came to us, in whatever form!)

They are starting to get a lot more fun now, and I enjoy seeing them interact. One of my favorite things is to sit them down in front of each other and put a small bucket of toys in front of them. The gender stereotypes have already begun, I can’t get over it! Peanut grabs for it immediately, lifts it up and dumps the whole thing over. Princess patiently waits for him to do his Hulk thing, then she will slowly and delicately look over the toys, chose one, and quietly bring her hand to it, pick it up, and slowly bring it to her mouth to play with. At this point, Peanut has already been through two or three different toys. It’s hilarious.

So, I had another boob issue last week. I think the breast surgeon is extra cautious with me because I did 17 rounds of ART. Anyway, the ultrasound technician found a solid mass and went to get the doctor as I’m still on the exam table (But, interesting note: If you remember, last time I had breast u/s I had some PTSD issues. As soon as I walked in the little room it was as if someone clocked me on the head, or a bad smell was released and I reeled back in response. Everything brought back traumatic memories for me- the dimmed lights, the hum of the ultrasound machine, the GE boxes stored above the cabinets, the gobs of ultrasound jelly. But, I’m happy to report that I didn’t really get much of that this time! So maybe it’s starting to finally come around?) The doctor said they can wait and check the mass again in 3 months, or just do a procedure right then to take it out and figure out what it was. Of course I said- stick a needle in me and let’s do this thing! Once a needle girl, always a needle girl, I suppose. Then everything happened in super fast time, two more techs came in, I had to sign a consent form, and I had to lay on this weird side pillow. This time the procedure freaking HURT. It still hurts, actually. When I checked out all the bandaging a few hours later, it was soaked in dried blood, but I had to keep it on for 24 hours, gross. Anyway, the doctor called me the next day and said good news, it was a fibroid, very similar to a uterine fibroid, and here’s the kicker: They are only created during pregnancies. So, this could have started growing with pregnancy #1, and then continued with my 20 week pregnancy, but also feed throughout the years from all the hormones of my 17 ART cycles. That was her theory, anyway. So- ugh- do the failed pregnancy reminders EVER stop? I mean, are you serious? Leave me the eff ALONE already.

Last thing- speaking of pregnancies- my little sister had her baby last week, and thankfully all is well. I’m actually pretty excited to head down there and met her, it will be nice to be with a newborn and not have all those messed up feelings.

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Well - I'm glad that the mass is not cancerous or anything. But it simply sucks that there you go getting another reminder of some of the hell you went through. My recommendation - go sit there and watch those sweet babies play with that bucket for a while. Let that goodness flow through you and wash away the ugly memories.