18 things you should never say or do during an interview (and one that you should).

9 of the worst things you can say in an interview:

‘Nice dress – it really shows your tits off’

‘Do you mind if I use the bathroom? I’m so nervous I’m about to shit a brick.’

‘Blimey – did someone have garlic for dinner last night?’

‘Don’t worry about that – how’s my hair?’

‘You really remind me of my ex.’

‘Pull my finger.’

‘My weaknesses? That you can’t improve on perfection.’

‘Can I touch your beard?’ (NB. Definitely avoid this one with women)

‘Describe myself in 3 words? OK good question, well I would start by saying that I’m a good listener, and that I’m professional, and hmmm, well, OK this is tricky, how about being able to produce world class documentation? Yes that’s it if I could describe myself in just 3 words I would say – I’m a good listener, I’m professional and that I produce world class documentation.’

9 of the worst things you can do in an interview:

Fart in the lift. Or the room. Or in fact anywhere.

Not listen to the question being asked and simply ramble on about how wonderful you are, even if you are in fact a really smashing person. Which I know you all are. Well, at least 2 and a half of you. Anyway sorry – what was the question?

After shaking hands with the interviewer(s) get out your hand sanitizer and apply liberally.

Refuse the offer of a glass of water, and then pull out a can of Special Brew from your bag.

Put your feet on the desk.

Wear shorts, sunglasses and flip-flops. (Unless you are going for a job as a life guard in which case this is entirely appropriate)

Expel any bodily fluid in the lift. Or in the room. Or in fact anywhere.

Try to high five the people interviewing you after you give what you think is a particularly good answer to one of their questions.