May Horoscopes 2015

May 1, 2015

Hello, 1st May 2015. You came around quickly, you whore. Well, don’t think you’re getting one up on me. I know what you’re about and I’m going to spill your secrets to the world. No stone shall be unturned, no rock unwiggled and no pebble unkicked. We shall know everything there is to know about May as long as we keep reading this blog.

AriesMarch 21 – April 19
There will be sprinkles on your donut that aren’t actually sprinkles. You’ll pretty much just ingest insect larvae and get to spend some time wondering if you’ve got one of those fancy tropical disease.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will be eager to pierce something unique. Something original, so you will look all cool and different and trend setting in front of your mates. After a couple of hours going through a list of possibilities, you will decide to pierce your cat. You bastard.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
You will paint nail polish onto animals. All kinds of animals. You will get scratched.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
The internet will go out. Twenty minutes of terror will happen and you will learn what it means to be alive.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
The moon will crash into the Earth. Or you will fall out of bed. One or the other.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Cheese won’t taste like it usually does. This is because you have been putting whipped cream on everything.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
You hair will be big and your lips will be glossy and never the twain shall meet. Great month for you!

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will realise how you know that guy who smiles at you at the bus stop. He was on Jeremy Kyle. If you try to reroute your journey to work you’re only going to end up with the bus driver who was on Dr Phil, so it’s up to you to choose the lesser evil really.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Pin the tail on the donkey goes dreadfully wrong when you accidentally end up piercing your own nipples. Nipples. Plural.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A book will invade your brain and take over your life, leaving you unable to think about anything else for a couple of weeks. You will also wear a suit of armour. It helps with the healing process.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
People will be talking about the Apple watch and you won’t get it. I mean, you won’t physically get it, but you won’t mentally understand the fuss either. So you will draw watches on your arm. The time is gin o’clock.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your ice cream will be stolen by a duck.