Had a bad relapse today.

Lately I've been trying not to be depressed. I hate crying every night and day. I hate being angry all the time. I hate not being able to talk to people. So I decided to try and be positive. I was fine for about two weeks, I kept my positive thoughts, I wasn't angry and I didn't cry. I think it might have been because of the lack of sleep today. I couldn't sleep last night (wasn't from depression, I have nights like that whether I am happy or not) so I kept myself busy. I believe in divination methods so this morning I was doing a Tarot reading and the results were good this time. Lately it's been telling me that I am going through a lonely and depressed phase which is true. Today it told me that I was going to get out of it and things were going to start getting better. So I was happy. But this morning I was listening to music loud and I was thinking about things lately. This one guy who I really want to be friends with again and I thought I would never see him again suddenly turned up on Facebook so I added him to my friends list hoping the past could be the past. Unfortunately he still doesn't seem to feel that way so he rejected me. I was really upset about it and then I started thinking about the guy that I like a lot (a guy I work with and am a little friendly with) but will never give me the time of day because of the way I look. I started thinking about how I was alone and how my sister is beautiful and has the perfect boyfriend. All this seemed to hit me at once and I pretty much fell down and started crying hard. I haven't cried that hard in so long, I cried about my Grandpa who died in Febuary, I cried about what I was thinking about this morning and I cried about just how pathetic my life really is. I was crying because I have know idea what it's like to kiss a guy. I couldn't move because I was crying so hard. It scared me because if I could have moved I would have done something stupid. I kept chanting over and over again that I want to die, I wish I was never born, please just let me die, if there is a god just let me die already I can't handle this life anymore. Then I screamed. When I could move again I got into bed and went to sleep.

The strange thing is when I woke up I felt better. A lot of people probably would feel stupid and embarrassed for that. But I felt better that I had let it all out like that. I'm not sure if that is normal or not.

The only thing that disturbs me about it is that I could have done something stupid today. If I hadn't been crying so hard I don't know what I would have done to myself at all. I'm glad I couldn't move. I'm glad that when I was able to move again I just went to sleep.

I'm not sure what the neighbours thought of all this. I live in an apartment and you can hear everything through the walls. So they would have heard me crying and heard me when I screamed. I'm sure one of them knocked when I was sleeping, I remember hearing someone knocking on my front door loudly and I think it was them. About an hour ago they were outside and I had gone for a walk and they were staring at me with pity.