Dating Advice #192 - Six Strikes

She suspects he may not be faithful. Are six previous marriages any clue?

I have been experiencing a severe level of jealousy if I see an attractive woman when my fiance is around. I instantly get red in the face and start hurling terrible accusations that he is looking at her. I am terribly embarrassed and worse, I am hurting him and pushing him away from me. The one thing that keeps haunting me is that I truly believe that his eyes rivet onto these women. So I am caught in the dilemma of trust and being smart and not getting hurt by being naive.

Please, is there any way I can know if it is me or if he does have extremely heavy sexual energy towards sexy women? I was previously married for 23 years and have been divorced now for three years. He has been married six times.

He promises me and actually has tears in his eyes that I would accuse him of any such desire for anyone else. I am lost, hurt and want and need change. If you can suggest any action that I can take to help I am willing. Is there something I can do to stop this or find out if it is even true?

Molly

Dear Molly,

You are correct that there are ways for a person to address a character trait, to either strengthen a positive trait or try to change the behaviors associated with a negative one. However, before you try to address how to deal with the jealousy you feel, we'd like you to look at the basis for your feelings.

Most women feel uncomfortable when the man they're with takes a second look at an attractive woman. If he stops very quickly and returns his attention to his wife or fiance, she quickly forgets the minor annoyance she felt. Generally, when the man's wife or fiance reacts with resentment, anger, and accusations, she either has an issue with low self-esteem or trust. It is common for someone who has been through a divorce to feel less self-confident and a little unwary about the "competition."

It is common for someone who has been through a divorce to feel more wary about the "competition."

Lack of trust is another reason why you may be feeling jealous. You may have been betrayed by your former husband or another man in the past, and may be over-reacting to your fiance's innocent glances. You might feel less jealous if you work on building your self-esteem. A self-help book may be helpful to you, or this could be addressed with the help of a therapist.

There is also a chance that your fiance has given you reason to mistrust him. Does he act on his attraction to other women? Did he date other women at a time that you believed the two of you were exclusive? Is he exclusive now? Do you worry that it will be difficult for him to remain monogamous? Did his other marriages end because he was unfaithful? If you answer positively to any of these questions, then your problem is more than one of jealousy -- it is a more fundamental problem with this man.

Frankly, we are wary of anyone who has had a number of marriages that ended in divorce -- and we are assuming that is how most or all of your fiance's marriages ended. We often see people like this engage in the same negative pattern of behavior in each relationship. Each marriage ends rather quickly because they never resolved the issue that led to the end of each of the earlier relationships. What has your fiance done to change his life, his attitudes, and his behavior from the time between the end of his sixth marriage to the time he met you? If he hasn't done anything, we worry about the long-term prospects of your upcoming marriage. He may be a very charming man who simply cannot sustain a relationship very long... or he could be someone who exploits vulnerable women and then goes on to the next one.

What has he done to change his attitudes and behavior?

You deserve a man who has the ability to be a loving and faithful partner in a stable, long-term marriage. We would like you to take the time to think about whether your fiance is such a person. Why don't you spend some time alone and write down your thoughts about your fiance's qualities and your expectations for your life together, both positive and negative. Wait a day or two and then review what you've written. It will give you clarity and help you decide if your fiance has the ability to be the husband you want him to be.

We hope that this really is a good man and that you are right for each other. If he isn't, then it is better to realize it before you marry him. And we certainly hope that if you do get married, while you are planning your wedding you also hire a capable family lawyer and draw up a prenuptial agreement that can protect you and any children from your first marriage. Prenuptial agreements aren't just for protection in case a marriage doesn't work out -- they also can be helpful for a couple that stays married for a long time, but is later faced with debt or other financial issues.

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(7)
bob honeyman,
November 13, 2005 12:00 AM

ketuba = prenuptial agreement

lance,

jewish marriage has been sealed with a prenuptial agreement since the avos in the form of a ketuba. it seems to have worked out just fine over the years. :7)

one purpose of the ketuba is to ensure that when a marriage fails, the woman - who throughout jewish history has lived in patriarchical societies and was, thus, economically vulnerable - would not be left destitute while her ex hoarded any assets she brought into the marriage or any assets built through the marriage (i may be wrong on this last bit). a prenup is an english language doc that has a strong tradition in our culture.

(6)
Annie,
October 31, 2005 12:00 AM

Proceed with caution

I would be very wary of anyone with SIX broken marriages, as nobody can be THAT unlucky. If Molly is in her mid to late 40s (after 23 years of marriage & 3 of singleness-he is likely to be the same, or a little older. That means that if he married at 20 the first time, his marriages can at MOST have lasted 4 years, assuming 6 marriages in 30 years & a bit of time in between.

Can Molly talk to someone who knows him & knew him when he was married before ? This isn't snooping, there is a lot at stake here.

Even if he isn't giving the come-hither to other women-and there is no reason to doubt him on this-it could well be Molly's heart telling her to proceed with caution.

Better to have a broken engagement than a divorce.

I like Anonymous's advice. Go on a long walk-or a weekend away,a kind of retreat, take a notebook and ask yourself the tough questions.

Let us hope that it is lucky number seven-which is, after all, the luckiest number !- and I wish Molly all the best, whatever she decides !!! With love and best wishes from Annie

(5)
Roo,
October 31, 2005 12:00 AM

If it bothers you now...

Now is the dating period where everything should feel "right" about him. If anything bothers you('sends up a red flag") then follow your gut feelings. And this is when the couple is on their "best behavior" with each other. You are still polite, well-groomed, attentive,etc. Just think- in a few years from now when you let down your guard- he'll really be staring at women(and hopefully not much more). Why don't you track down some of his ex-wives? Any decent private investigator can help you out with this . By the way, have you hired a PI just to check HIM out yet? Check his finances(any bankruptcies or any shady business), check out police record, job history, where he's lived, verify the number of marriages,etc? It's probably worth whatever it would cost. G-d forbid he should withold a Get from you in case you did divorce. Did he legally(and halachically) divorce his ex-wives. Strangers are concerned for you. That should mean something. Roo

(4)
Anonymous,
October 31, 2005 12:00 AM

this man will break your heart

My advice to you is to run while you still can... this man will break your heart. Trust your intuition on this...if you feel jealousy, it is for a reason. I am sure you are not normally a jealous person...jealousy exists within us when we are insecure...and why would you be insecure in this case? Because your intuition is telling you that something is wrong. When your gut instincts tell you this...listen. Do some research. Talk to friends. If you can not trust this person now, at the height of your initial romance, you will NEVER be able to trust him later. This is not a person who will cherish you, treasure you, support you as you grow old, enable your dreams, or help you become the person you were meant to be. This person is a shackle to your spirit, a drain on your soul. Run!

(3)
Lance,
October 31, 2005 12:00 AM

Good article, but I disagree with prenuptials

In your article, "Six Strikes" Rosie and Sherry did a great job in focusing the one requesting help on her self-esteem issues and that could be the entire problem. First of all, men are "sight-oriented" beings, created that way by God. All men, from 16-90 look at attractive women, no matter their age, but that doesn't mean that we all would act upon those glances or have lust in our hearts. Indeed, most would not. To look at a member of the opposite sex is as natural as noticing cars passing on the freeway. Most of the time, you never give them a second thought. So, let's not try changing the man from being a man. Frankly, she does not want a man that looks only at other men does she? Does she want a man to walk around with blinders on his head, like a mule? She needs to simply express her feelings on how uncomfortable he makes her feel during these encounters and ask for his honest reply about her feelings. She may be surprised by what she learns from such an honest encounter with him. Secondly, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER enter marriage with a prenuptial agreement. If a "forever, until death do us part" commitment is not centered in both parties character, they should not marry under any circumstances. The trust issues she is dealing with and the eternal commitment toward the covenant of marriage must be achieved BEFORE the marriage ceremony, or this marriage will probably not work. She deserves a relationship with a man of integrity, who will honor the marriage covenant. The prenuptial agreement essestially could be interpreted by the other partner as, "I want to keep everything that is mine IF this marriage does not work," I suggest this kind of relationship is doomed for failure. When the next marriage fails, the partner will think, "well, you never thought it would last anyway, based on your prenuptial agreement, so what's the difference - you got what you expected." My advise is to go to pre-marital counseling and work through all of these issues, communicating your feelings, expectations and doubts in an honest and thoroughly-open exchange before marriage.

(2)
Devorah Mei,
October 30, 2005 12:00 AM

The writting is on the wall!

Good grief! Women don't get jeallous for nothing! Where is smoke,is fire! If this man cannot keep his eyes only on YOU by now, why should you accept to be humiliated, deceived and cheated , nota bene, when you are by his side?
When are women to be coincious that we cannot and will not tolerate such a treatment? I only can imagine what he is capable of doing when he is alone!
The writting is on the wall! Wake up or unhappiness will be your fate. Better alone than deceived! Don't you think you deserve better? No men change, just like that, after six divorces!
Stop being emotionally and psychologically abused.

All the best.

(1)
Anonymous,
October 30, 2005 12:00 AM

Is this a hoax?

Would anyone *really* consider marrying someone who has been divorced six times? Rosie and Sherry are very professional and diplomatic. On the other hand, I am only a common reader, and will talk tachlis: I suggest you take a long walk around the block (or your state), and think about this carefully -- unless you're totally confused, you should see that this man will dump you, too.

It is virtually unconceivable that this man, or any man, could have simply had such a streak of bad luck. Or that such a streak will end with you.

One more thing - Rosie and Sherry did not discuss the possibility that all or most of this man's marriages ended with the death of his wives. G-d forbid this should be true. However, if it is, you have a much bigger problem to worry about!
Good luck. If necessary, get professional help.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!