Ted Turner: ‘Troops Should All Commit Suicide, I’m A Moron’

ATLANTA, GA – Viewers of Piers Morgan Tonight were shocked at Ted Turner’s controversial comments last night concerning suicide among US service members, but an anonymous CNN producer has informed Duffel Blog that many missed the full context.

On the program, Turner stated that it was good that troops were committing suicide because it showed an aversion to war. Producers, realizing the stupidity of his comments, quickly moved to commercial but cameras still rolled as he stated, “I think it’d be great if they’d all commit suicide. Hell, if they all just shot themselves we wouldn’t have to worry about any more wars because nobody’d be left to fight!”

Turner then turned his criticism inward, according to the anonymous CNN staffer.

“Also, I don’t know if you guys caught on to this yet, but I’m a fucking moron. I’m not happy to say it, but I really am. Pretty much just assume that 90% of what comes out of my mouth is just benign dribble that shouldn’t even be produced in a kindergarten class.”

Shockingly, Mr. Turner then pulled out a .45 caliber pistol and said, “I’ve got to do this, it shows an aversion to stupidity,” followed by an incoherent string of word vomit that was best interpreted as “Mouthwash TITTY stop sign lugubrious coonhound GESUNDHEIT!!!” before shoving the pistol in his mouth and blowing what is believed to have been his brains out.

The local coroner’s office refuses to confirm whether the fluid which was projected all over the studio was brain matter or “malted hops and bong resin.”