Before selecting any options, listen to the following 40-minute lecture about our ethical and environmental policy and our committment to customer service (Pffffrt - sorry, I wasn't really laughing when I said that last bit, honestly) ... Note that all calls may be monitored and archived by us and by GCHQ so that we can replay it later and have a laugh.

- If you want to be cut off now, press 1
- If you want to be left with a empty line indefinitely, press 2
- If you would like to be suddenly cut off after holding on to an empty line for some random time, press 3
- If you would like to hear some ghastly distorted music while we fail to answer your call, press 4
- If you would like us repeatedly to interrupt this music, to fool you for an instant into thinking that you are about to speak to a real person, but in fact just to repeat endelssly the lie that your call is really important to us which is why we aren't going to answer it, press 5
- If you would like to be transferred to someone who will be utterly incapable of, and who will have no interest whatever in answering your query but who will spend ages trying to sell you all sorts of irrelevant crap which you do not need and do not want, press 6
- If what you wish in not any of the above, or you would like to speak to an operator, or if you would like some other option, tough shit; there is no other option.
- If you would like to hear these options again, you should have listened more carefully the first time or taken notes. Ring off and start all over again. Note that in doing so you will have to listen to all our introductory waffle again, which will gain nothing in entertainment value in the repetition.
- If you have lost the will to live, we are pleased to have suceeded in our ambition. Do not ring off and get on with the rest of your life - please just continue to listen, sobbing as you bang your head on the table until someone comes along and takes you away to the asylum."

True story. For a UK settlement application, if you call prior to 6 months to ask about progress, they won't tell you anything, and tell you they can only talk to you after 6 months from your application date.

After 6 months, they do reluctantly talk to you, but only to tell you they don't know anything as it's being dealt with by a different department, who you're not allowed to call.

It's a good job I don't use Twitter. I could have posted a Robin Hood Airport moment tweet at that point.