The Secret Life of Marrieds: Paul and Jessi

Paul is 35 years old. Jessi is 32. They've been together 17 years and married for 13.

How old were you when you got married?Jessi: I was only 19.

19!Jessi: Yeah ... [laughs]

Who proposed, and did you talk about it at all beforehand?Jessi: This is good, this is good. Can I tell the story?Paul: Yeah, go for it.Jessi: He was in the military and he'd been gone six weeks and I flew to Texas with his parents and I was like, "OK, so this is not gonna work. I have to come with you. So we have to get married." And he was like, "OK!," and I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Yep."

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Tell me a little about your wedding.Paul: It was 200–250 people thereabouts.Jessi: We got married in the church I attended growing up. We were so young I really didn't care about the details. If we were to do it now it would be so different. I mean, I didn't care about traditions, going to register for things. I was 19! Now I think about weddings all the time because of Pinterest, but then I really didn't.

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Any drama surrounding you getting hitched? Was anyone not into it?Paul: Her mom wasn't into it there for a little bit.Jessi: Her biggest threat was, "If you drop out of school, I'm coming to get you and you're coming home." But with always wanting to be a teacher, that wasn't an option for me.

Wait, so nobody was like, "You're only 19. What are you doing?!"Paul: Her mom was, and her stepdad. They took her out to dinner to talk about it.Jessi: My stepdad said to me, "Jessi, it doesn't matter how much we've spent, it doesn't matter how many people are there, " and this is like weeks before the wedding, "if you change your mind, that's fine. Don't do it." [Laughs.]

What did your parents think, Paul?Paul: They were excited. I mean, with me being 22, I was kinda older. My siblings, they were 16, 18, and 19 when they got married, so I had kind of held off a bit. But that was kind of the mentality back then where we're from; that's just what you did: got a good job, got married, had babies.

What's been the most surprising thing about marriage? Paul: I spent about three years total deployed. So that's something that was against us at the start. But also, every time you come back you have a honeymoon period, so that made it great too. We missed each other.Jessi: I always joke with people and say every good marriage needs a deployment. [Laughs.]

How has your sex life changed since you got married? Wait. You guys were so young — were you even having sex before you got married?
[Long pause while they look at each other.]Jessi: Yes. [Laughs.]Paul: Yeah.

Did marriage change that?Jessi: Oh absolutely, yeah. It's changed since we've been married, different ups and downs. And we've also had a lot of infertility issues. We've been trying to get pregnant for … nine years now? For a long time sex has revolved around trying to get pregnant.

Do you, as a guy, feel like you're not allowed to have sex unless you're putting a baby in her? Paul: You have to time it so much it's almost like work. And it wasn't that passionate, it's just like, "OK, it's time!"

Was it that specific? Down to the minute?Jessi: To the day, especially when we tried different medicines.

Did that make you less fun to be around, Jessi? We joke among my friends going through that that of course this fertility treatment won't work because now I'm on all these hormones that give me a headache and make me a bitch so no one will want to have sex with me.Paul: Right!Jessi: Exactly, yes. Yep! We did actually get pregnant one time with one of the IUIs we did, but it ended up being a molar pregnancy. We just gave up for a while and that was actually a really awesome time for us. We bought a motorcycle, and I remember for seven nights straight we had s'mores for dinner because that's all I wanted, and we drank a lot of wine and it was actually really fun. Like, "Who cares?"

Where are you guys at with it now?Jessi: Well, we're not doing any medicine now. I've kind of let it go. We do monitor the days, so we have a three- or four-day window and we make sure to have sex at least on those days, but we also try to make sure we're having sex when it's NOT those three or four days.

What is the thing that you fight about most?Paul: OK, I'm just gonna say it: Every time we go home, trying to divide our time up with our families, that's really hard. When we go home for the holidays it seems like that's our biggest fight because we're trying to pick and choose who to be with what day. There were a couple years where I went with my family and she went with hers.Jessi: Which was nice because we could both see our families, but then we weren't seeing each other at the holidays.

What are you gonna do this year?Paul: Stay here.Jessi: Every year we say that, Jane. [Laughs.] We've had a crisis or two with fighting and the stress of our families and stuff; it got to a point where we were like, "What are we gonna do about this?"

About your marriage? Over the holiday stuff!?Jessi: Yeah.

Really?!Paul: Really. But not only that, we had the stress of trying to have a kid. And the fights weren't necessarily about that, but it made a bigger impact on things.

What is the best thing you've done for your marriage?Jessi: Going to church together and both agreeing we're not giving up, ever. We've done a few studies with our small group at church that I think has really saved us. For me, since I got better with my relationship with Jesus and my reading the bible and my doing what it says, that's changed me as a wife. I feel like I'm much better at it now. Like I have these guidelines and principles to follow that I didn't follow when I was 19.

Specifically what? Do you have any principles that come to mind?Jessi: Absolutely. So one example is my job as the wife is to be his help mate. That is my job. My goal every day is, "OK, how can I help him?" I put Paul first before my own needs as much as I can. There are some days where I don't, obviously, but I always try to make sure that, "OK, what does he need?" because that's my job.

Does he do the same for you?Paul: Yeah!Jessi: Yeah, and then the husband's job is to make sure I'm loved. As long as I'm loved, I'm taken care of. So I think keeping those two principles in mind has made a world of difference to us. I think if I didn't have that, I don't know that we'd still be married.

Really?Jessi: Especially the family fights and all that.

Why, because it helps you have compassion for him?Jessi: Absolutely. And when I do it, it's a form of worship for God. I don't have to do it because Paul's awesome, you know? I can hear wives right now, "Well he didn't do this, and he didn't do this and this." But it's not about what Paul does for me, it's about, "How can I do what God wants me to do?" And when that's my focus, that's when we get along the best.

Any advice for married people?Jessi: I know I joke that a marriage needs a deployment here and there, but you do need a break. You need your own time. You need separate time, so you can miss each other. And my mom always says you should always make sure to take your husband breakfast in bed.

How often?Jessi: At least coffee every day.

Oh?!Paul: Every time we go to her mom's, she makes sure it's every day.Jessi: I mean, I don't do it here at home, though!

The Secret Life of Marrieds is a weekly series of interviews with married couples about the things no one tells you about marriage. Check back every Tuesday at 1 p.m. EST for a new interview. Previously: The Lesbian Couple Whose Parents Did Not Approve.