30 Days Back to Love

You married a great guy. But you're stuck in a romance rut. Here's your road map to getting the relationship you want with the husband you still cherish.

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By Keith Ablow, M.D.

Jan 5, 2009

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A happily married woman told me recently that she has a secret way of recapturing the feeling of being in love that she had as a young bride. When she and her husband go out to dinner, she'll watch how other people — a waitress, a friend they're out with that night, an acquaintance who stops by their table — are responding to his good humor and good looks. If someone laughs at his jokes or listens intently to a story he's telling or (even better) flirts with him, she tries to absorb those feelings and make them her own.

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"It's as if they're reminding me of things I lose sight of in the day-to-day," she said. "Maybe he's doing the same thing with the people around me." She chuckled. "I hope so. Does that sound strange?"

It didn't sound strange at all. We may continue to recognize wonderful traits in our partners, but after five, 10, 20, or more years of marriage, we see them too close-up for those things to take our breath away anymore. It's like the difference between swimming in the sea every day during the summer and being moved by the ocean's magic and power from a perch on land during a winter getaway.

I've joked before (really, only half-joked) that couples should avoid flossing their teeth together if they want to feel passionate in bed. What we speak less of is the emotional monotony marriages so often fall victim to. Date night may start you on the road to reviving some romantic feelings for your spouse, but it's rarely enough to complete the journey. If going out on Saturday night takes you and your husband two steps forward, deciding who cleans up after dinner Monday night, seeing that pile of laundry covering the bed on Wednesday, and feeling burned out from work by Thursday can easily erase your gains.

If you really want to feel closer to your husband again (and vice versa), you need to invest in a strategy that reawakens some of the feelings that drew you together to begin with. In my years of counseling, I've seen many husbands and wives regain in only a month an emotional connection that took a decade or two to lose.

To bring your partner on board, start by telling him the idea behind 30 Days. "What if," you might ask, "there were a tune-up for strong marriages like ours? It's supposed to take only a few minutes each week. Would you try it with me?"

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Tell him you've read this article, and invite him to read it, too. Let him know you could always start the journey and decide to stop short (though I hope you won't).

Here's a week-by-week plan for how to do it.

Week One

Take the scenic route

You can be married a lifetime and not let parts of yourself be known. During this first week, the goal will be to move out of the familiar emotional landscape and gain some new perspective on each other — and the relationship you share.

Step 1. Name one thing that you would never change about each other — and one thing that bugs you

Why identify something positive and something negative? Because finding your way back to love begins with reassuring each other about what's good in the marriage, while getting to work on just one roadblock that's creating distance between you.

If you find it hard to be completely honest about what isn't working perfectly between the two of you, feel free to blame me directly for the "complaint" part of the discussion. Tell your husband, "The article says this is all about figuring out what really makes us tick as a couple. We're supposed to just think about what we tell each other, not respond to it. And no grudges later."

Flip a coin to choose who goes first, and keep the tone light, even playful, if you can — supportive, not accusing. Remind your husband he'll get his chance, too, and that you're planning to listen and not to get defensive.

Start by paying a sincere compliment: "I love how you make me laugh at least once every day and that you are a ringer for George Clooney, at least to me," you might say. "During the weekend, though, you tend to zone out in front of the computer while I'm stuck doing the chores and carpooling. Not fun. OK, your turn." Remember, you don't need to identify the core conflict in your relationship. The behavior that bugs you might be utterly mundane — mixing darks and lights in the laundry; forgetting to fill up the car with gas.

A key lesson I've learned from counseling couples is that focusing on just one unresolved issue has a way of opening up others, each closer and closer to the hearts of the partners involved. For example, one wife I counseled told her husband, "I think it's amazing how you've been able to change jobs when you aren't feeling like your company values you. I just wish you'd tell me when you start feeling that way, so I could know you weren't happy and might make a change."

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Another told her spouse during this exercise, "I like that we both make it our business to get home early enough to sit down together as a family for dinner most nights." Then, after a pause, she smiled and added, "I like it a lot less that on the nights we plan dinners out together, you're late a lot of the time."

For many of us, marriage serves as the stage on which powerful psychological dramas end up playing themselves out. But they're most often transplanted into our relationship, not created by it. Knowing this should take a little pressure off you and your husband and let you breathe easier.

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So if you think your spouse is being overprotective of the kids, for example, you might probe a little: "Maybe you're worried they won't make good choices themselves, or that they won't be able to compete and succeed. Is that why?" If your husband left a job without discussing his reasons with you first, you might say, "I wonder if you thought I would judge you, or pry too much. Maybe it felt like I would have made it hard for you to make your own decision about what to do."

The objective here is to begin tapping into your husband's innermost thoughts (and he yours), not to dramatically change him. It's about taking a step back and asking why the two of you developed the personality styles or behavior patterns that first attracted you to each other or that have created an element of conflict in your relationship.

Step 2. Remind yourself you don't know everything that makes him tick

I believe couples fall in love partly because they recognize each other's strengths and partly because they intuit that they have built-in, mirror-image emotional limitations to overcome. Step two is to find evidence in your early interactions (when you were dating) that proves that both the positive and negative qualities you've identified in your spouse were evident back then, too.

Maybe one of you is a little too demanding, and the other yields too easily. Or maybe one of you is sensitive to being smothered, while the other is so dependent that the idea of enjoying time alone is unimaginable. Yet couples usually don't get around to helping each other past these limitations for many years — if ever.

Now, it's time for you and your husband to take that leap. What memories do you have of the time you spent dating your husband that may reveal his and your underlying emotional needs?

You can explain this step to your husband this way: "Let's try to figure out whether we picked each other partly to help each other grow. Take your pet peeve about me. As you said, you're Mr. Clean and I'm Ms. Pack Rat. Did you see hints of that before we even got married? What do you think changed?"

One woman told me her husband had always been jealous of the men she dated before him. His possessiveness had made her feel special and loved, especially because her father hadn't been very involved in her life. But 12 years into the marriage, she felt more controlled than embraced. It wasn't until she and her husband tried the "back to love" steps that she started wondering what had made him so possessive. Only then did she feel like she needed — and wanted — to know even more about him.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

There are buried treasures of insight that you and your partner have yet to unearth. By the end of week one, you've started discovering them. You aren't just looking at each other — you are looking into each other.

Week One

Take the scenic route

You can be married a lifetime and not let parts of yourself be known. During this first week, the goal will be to move out of the familiar emotional landscape and gain some new perspective on each other — and the relationship you share.

Step 1. Name one thing that you would never change about each other — and one thing that bugs you

Why identify something positive and something negative? Because finding your way back to love begins with reassuring each other about what's good in the marriage, while getting to work on just one roadblock that's creating distance between you.

If you find it hard to be completely honest about what isn't working perfectly between the two of you, feel free to blame me directly for the "complaint" part of the discussion. Tell your husband, "The article says this is all about figuring out what really makes us tick as a couple. We're supposed to just think about what we tell each other, not respond to it. And no grudges later."

Flip a coin to choose who goes first, and keep the tone light, even playful, if you can — supportive, not accusing. Remind your husband he'll get his chance, too, and that you're planning to listen and not to get defensive.

Start by paying a sincere compliment: "I love how you make me laugh at least once every day and that you are a ringer for George Clooney, at least to me," you might say. "During the weekend, though, you tend to zone out in front of the computer while I'm stuck doing the chores and carpooling. Not fun. OK, your turn." Remember, you don't need to identify the core conflict in your relationship. The behavior that bugs you might be utterly mundane — mixing darks and lights in the laundry; forgetting to fill up the car with gas.

A key lesson I've learned from counseling couples is that focusing on just one unresolved issue has a way of opening up others, each closer and closer to the hearts of the partners involved. For example, one wife I counseled told her husband, "I think it's amazing how you've been able to change jobs when you aren't feeling like your company values you. I just wish you'd tell me when you start feeling that way, so I could know you weren't happy and might make a change."

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Another told her spouse during this exercise, "I like that we both make it our business to get home early enough to sit down together as a family for dinner most nights." Then, after a pause, she smiled and added, "I like it a lot less that on the nights we plan dinners out together, you're late a lot of the time."

For many of us, marriage serves as the stage on which powerful psychological dramas end up playing themselves out. But they're most often transplanted into our relationship, not created by it. Knowing this should take a little pressure off you and your husband and let you breathe easier.

Most Popular

So if you think your spouse is being overprotective of the kids, for example, you might probe a little: "Maybe you're worried they won't make good choices themselves, or that they won't be able to compete and succeed. Is that why?" If your husband left a job without discussing his reasons with you first, you might say, "I wonder if you thought I would judge you, or pry too much. Maybe it felt like I would have made it hard for you to make your own decision about what to do."

The objective here is to begin tapping into your husband's innermost thoughts (and he yours), not to dramatically change him. It's about taking a step back and asking why the two of you developed the personality styles or behavior patterns that first attracted you to each other or that have created an element of conflict in your relationship.

Step 2. Remind yourself you don't know everything that makes him tick

I believe couples fall in love partly because they recognize each other's strengths and partly because they intuit that they have built-in, mirror-image emotional limitations to overcome. Step two is to find evidence in your early interactions (when you were dating) that proves that both the positive and negative qualities you've identified in your spouse were evident back then, too.

Maybe one of you is a little too demanding, and the other yields too easily. Or maybe one of you is sensitive to being smothered, while the other is so dependent that the idea of enjoying time alone is unimaginable. Yet couples usually don't get around to helping each other past these limitations for many years — if ever.

Now, it's time for you and your husband to take that leap. What memories do you have of the time you spent dating your husband that may reveal his and your underlying emotional needs?

You can explain this step to your husband this way: "Let's try to figure out whether we picked each other partly to help each other grow. Take your pet peeve about me. As you said, you're Mr. Clean and I'm Ms. Pack Rat. Did you see hints of that before we even got married? What do you think changed?"

One woman told me her husband had always been jealous of the men she dated before him. His possessiveness had made her feel special and loved, especially because her father hadn't been very involved in her life. But 12 years into the marriage, she felt more controlled than embraced. It wasn't until she and her husband tried the "back to love" steps that she started wondering what had made him so possessive. Only then did she feel like she needed — and wanted — to know even more about him.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

There are buried treasures of insight that you and your partner have yet to unearth. By the end of week one, you've started discovering them. You aren't just looking at each other — you are looking into each other.

Week Two

Revisit historic sites

You've now shared a few deeply held feelings, perhaps gotten past some of those roadblocks. Suddenly, after years of simply being present in each other's lives, you're getting more intimate emotionally with the person you married — perhaps for the first time.

Step 3. Become each other's life-story coach

Ask your spouse to commit to spending 30 minutes a day (15 minutes for you and 15 minutes for your husband) — just for this week — reflecting on the roles you think the two of you have always played in the relationship and why. Have this conversation while the kids are watching television or asleep, while taking the dog for a walk, or over lunch together, if that's possible. Trust me: This step can connect you to each other more deeply than ever.

What in your husband's life story — going back to childhood — might be the source of the positive quality you identified? What is the source of the behavior or quality that has become a source of conflict?

Again, feel free to blame me for the archaeological dig: "The doctor in the article says that you get to a point in marriage where you start to feel distant from each other, because you haven't yet made the decision to really get close. To do that, he thinks, you have to understand more about the life story of the person you fell in love with."

The only rule: Both of you must agree to ask a minimum of three questions to uncover the truth.

For example, if the peeve you named is your husband's desire for control, ask him if it could have come from the chaos he experienced when his parents split, and have him describe the most disruptive events during the divorce and how they made him feel.

Take the chance to reveal yourself as completely as you can, too. If your husband asks why you were so much more demonstrative earlier in the relationship, try your hardest to answer honestly. It's key to stay with your own motivations. Was it in reaction to something he was doing, or because you needed feedback that he loved you? If it's the latter, try to pinpoint with him where the urge for that reassurance might have come from. Finally, design some experiments with each other that allow both of you to move beyond the limiting roles you have played in the marriage. If your husband has been a risk taker for 15 years while you've been a stabilizing force, identify a few risks you'd like to take, with his support. If he has always been the family disciplinarian while you provide warmth and support, think together about why you gravitated toward those tasks. For the next few days, see how it feels to set limits, while your husband spends some time gently inviting your kids to open up to him about what's on their minds.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Maybe you'll discover that your husband doesn't really like the conservative, safe profession he's clung to. Maybe you'll suddenly understand the underlying self-doubt that ties him to his desk. Perhaps you will help him decide to start thinking about a career change. And maybe you'll be able to share your own anxiety, which keeps you moving from project to project, just like you moved from one city to another as a young girl.

If you help each other grow beyond the roles you've each been playing in the relationship, and in your lives, you'll both be growing. Just as important, you'll be growing together.

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Next: Keep at it

Week Two

Revisit historic sites

You've now shared a few deeply held feelings, perhaps gotten past some of those roadblocks. Suddenly, after years of simply being present in each other's lives, you're getting more intimate emotionally with the person you married — perhaps for the first time.

Step 3. Become each other's life-story coach

Ask your spouse to commit to spending 30 minutes a day (15 minutes for you and 15 minutes for your husband) — just for this week — reflecting on the roles you think the two of you have always played in the relationship and why. Have this conversation while the kids are watching television or asleep, while taking the dog for a walk, or over lunch together, if that's possible. Trust me: This step can connect you to each other more deeply than ever.

What in your husband's life story — going back to childhood — might be the source of the positive quality you identified? What is the source of the behavior or quality that has become a source of conflict?

Again, feel free to blame me for the archaeological dig: "The doctor in the article says that you get to a point in marriage where you start to feel distant from each other, because you haven't yet made the decision to really get close. To do that, he thinks, you have to understand more about the life story of the person you fell in love with."

The only rule: Both of you must agree to ask a minimum of three questions to uncover the truth.

For example, if the peeve you named is your husband's desire for control, ask him if it could have come from the chaos he experienced when his parents split, and have him describe the most disruptive events during the divorce and how they made him feel.

Take the chance to reveal yourself as completely as you can, too. If your husband asks why you were so much more demonstrative earlier in the relationship, try your hardest to answer honestly. It's key to stay with your own motivations. Was it in reaction to something he was doing, or because you needed feedback that he loved you? If it's the latter, try to pinpoint with him where the urge for that reassurance might have come from. Finally, design some experiments with each other that allow both of you to move beyond the limiting roles you have played in the marriage. If your husband has been a risk taker for 15 years while you've been a stabilizing force, identify a few risks you'd like to take, with his support.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

If he has always been the family disciplinarian while you provide warmth and support, think together about why you gravitated toward those tasks. For the next few days, see how it feels to set limits, while your husband spends some time gently inviting your kids to open up to him about what's on their minds.

Maybe you'll discover that your husband doesn't really like the conservative, safe profession he's clung to. Maybe you'll suddenly understand the underlying self-doubt that ties him to his desk. Perhaps you will help him decide to start thinking about a career change. And maybe you'll be able to share your own anxiety, which keeps you moving from project to project, just like you moved from one city to another as a young girl.

If you help each other grow beyond the roles you've each been playing in the relationship, and in your lives, you'll both be growing. Just as important, you'll be growing together.

Week Three

Expect a few bumps and curves

After two weeks and three steps, there's a good chance you are starting to put your finger on issues that have created distance or are draining energy from your relationship. Rather than leaving your marriage on cruise control, you've shifted into a higher gear and you are getting excited about the next leg of the journey. You are seeing your husband (and he's starting to see you) anew. Don't stop now.

Step 4. Reveal one (or more) of the secrets you've held back

Almost every wife and every husband keeps secrets from the other — some related to recent events and some related to more distant ones. Choose a couple and share them. It could be something that makes you cringe or cry that you've never dared talk about before. Did you lose a friend you cherished? Did you wish your relationship with a parent were different? Did you betray someone's trust, or were you let down by someone you trusted? Dig deep and talk about your feelings and how the event changed you.

WEEK TWO

Revisit historic sites

You've now shared a few deeply held feelings, perhaps gotten past some of those roadblocks. Suddenly, after years of simply being present in each other's lives, you're getting more intimate emotionally with the person you married — perhaps for the first time.

Step 3. Become each other's life-story coach

Ask your spouse to commit to spending 30 minutes a day (15 minutes for you and 15 minutes for your husband) — just for this week — reflecting on the roles you think the two of you have always played in the relationship and why. Have this conversation while the kids are watching television or asleep, while taking the dog for a walk, or over lunch together, if that's possible. Trust me: This step can connect you to each other more deeply than ever.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

What in your husband's life story — going back to childhood — might be the source of the positive quality you identified? What is the source of the behavior or quality that has become a source of conflict?

Again, feel free to blame me for the archaeological dig: "The doctor in the article says that you get to a point in marriage where you start to feel distant from each other, because you haven't yet made the decision to really get close. To do that, he thinks, you have to understand more about the life story of the person you fell in love with."

The only rule: Both of you must agree to ask a minimum of three questions to uncover the truth.

Most Popular

For example, if the peeve you named is your husband's desire for control, ask him if it could have come from the chaos he experienced when his parents split, and have him describe the most disruptive events during the divorce and how they made him feel.

Take the chance to reveal yourself as completely as you can, too. If your husband asks why you were so much more demonstrative earlier in the relationship, try your hardest to answer honestly. It's key to stay with your own motivations. Was it in reaction to something he was doing, or because you needed feedback that he loved you? If it's the latter, try to pinpoint with him where the urge for that reassurance might have come from. Finally, design some experiments with each other that allow both of you to move beyond the limiting roles you have played in the marriage. If your husband has been a risk taker for 15 years while you've been a stabilizing force, identify a few risks you'd like to take, with his support. If he has always been the family disciplinarian while you provide warmth and support, think together about why you gravitated toward those tasks. For the next few days, see how it feels to set limits, while your husband spends some time gently inviting your kids to open up to him about what's on their minds.

Maybe you'll discover that your husband doesn't really like the conservative, safe profession he's clung to. Maybe you'll suddenly understand the underlying self-doubt that ties him to his desk. Perhaps you will help him decide to start thinking about a career change. And maybe you'll be able to share your own anxiety, which keeps you moving from project to project, just like you moved from one city to another as a young girl.

If you help each other grow beyond the roles you've each been playing in the relationship, and in your lives, you'll both be growing. Just as important, you'll be growing together.

Next: Week Three

One of my clients hadn't told her husband that, as a child, her classmates had made fun of her for being overweight. Another had never admitted that she had always wanted to act, not practice law. A third had lived through the death of a sibling and never shared just how painful it had been. Swapping secrets builds intimacy. Just be careful that the ones you share now aren't threatening. If you secretly feel attracted to your husband's best friend, this isn't the time to admit it.

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Step 5. Take romantic chances with each other

Just bringing up the idea of making love may feel risky for you. Or, if you have a good sex life, it may mean sharing something you'd like to try together but haven't yet. Telling your husband it's time you and he got more adventuresome in bed is an act of courage and intimacy that can greatly reinforce the gains you've made getting emotionally closer.

Of course, there's a possibility that the erotic fantasy you hear from your husband will make you uncomfortable. It's OK to tell him if it does, but add that you'll keep thinking about what he's shared and that he can share anything else he wants to.

By the end of week three, you may feel more open emotionally, and physically, to exploring who the two of you really are than you have in some time.

Week Four

Refuel the tank

While continuing to look more deeply at the husband you've married, start thinking about where the love you have for each other could really lead. Dreaming about the future together is what couples in love do all the time. Don't sweat the details or worry about all the reasons it might be tough to make changes. Just let yourself dream together.

Step 6. Begin writing the next chapters of your marriage

Can you imagine one or both of you changing careers? Can you see the two of you planning trips to places each of you knows the other would love to visit? Would you consider adopting a child?

What are the next pages and chapters of your love story to write, so that when you read the book of your lives together, you see yourselves getting closer, even if you were once drifting apart? Dreaming together about the best possibilities for the next years of your marriage can make them real.

Six steps. Four weeks. It may be hard to believe they can resurrect feelings that may have lain dormant inside you and your husband for a long time. But I've watched it happen in couple after couple. If you are ready to warm things up and feel close — again or even for the first time — you can do it, too.

WEEK THREE

Expect a few bumps and curves

After two weeks and three steps, there's a good chance you are starting to put your finger on issues that have created distance or are draining energy from your relationship. Rather than leaving your marriage on cruise control, you've shifted into a higher gear and you are getting excited about the next leg of the journey. You are seeing your husband (and he's starting to see you) anew. Don't stop now.

Step 4. Reveal one (or more) of the secrets you've held back

Almost every wife and every husband keeps secrets from the other — some related to recent events and some related to more distant ones. Choose a couple and share them. It could be something that makes you cringe or cry that you've never dared talk about before. Did you lose a friend you cherished? Did you wish your relationship with a parent were different? Did you betray someone's trust, or were you let down by someone you trusted? Dig deep and talk about your feelings and how the event changed you. One of my clients hadn't told her husband that, as a child, her classmates had made fun of her for being overweight. Another had never admitted that she had always wanted to act, not practice law. A third had lived through the death of a sibling and never shared just how painful it had been. Swapping secrets builds intimacy. Just be careful that the ones you share now aren't threatening. If you secretly feel attracted to your husband's best friend, this isn't the time to admit it.

Step 5. Take romantic chances with each other

Just bringing up the idea of making love may feel risky for you. Or, if you have a good sex life, it may mean sharing something you'd like to try together but haven't yet. Telling your husband it's time you and he got more adventuresome in bed is an act of courage and intimacy that can greatly reinforce the gains you've made getting emotionally closer.

Of course, there's a possibility that the erotic fantasy you hear from your husband will make you uncomfortable. It's OK to tell him if it does, but add that you'll keep thinking about what he's shared and that he can share anything else he wants to.

By the end of week three, you may feel more open emotionally, and physically, to exploring who the two of you really are than you have in some time.

Next: Week Four

WEEK FOUR

Refuel the tank

While continuing to look more deeply at the husband you've married, start thinking about where the love you have for each other could really lead. Dreaming about the future together is what couples in love do all the time. Don't sweat the details or worry about all the reasons it might be tough to make changes. Just let yourself dream together.

Step 6. Begin writing the next chapters of your marriage

Can you imagine one or both of you changing careers? Can you see the two of you planning trips to places each of you knows the other would love to visit? Would you consider adopting a child?

What are the next pages and chapters of your love story to write, so that when you read the book of your lives together, you see yourselves getting closer, even if you were once drifting apart? Dreaming together about the best possibilities for the next years of your marriage can make them real.

Six steps. Four weeks. It may be hard to believe they can resurrect feelings that may have lain dormant inside you and your husband for a long time. But I've watched it happen in couple after couple. If you are ready to warm things up and feel close — again or even for the first time — you can do it, too.

Keith Ablow, M.D., is a psychiatrist and a Fox News contributor. Contact him at info@keithablow.com.