The Times-Picayune Photo ArchiveAccording to an LSU etymologist, gnats are here to stay.

Let me say this up front: I'm a gnat sissy.

That's right. The guy who climbed the difficult south face of Monkey Hill in winter (without beer), the guy who covered a 1-15 Saints season (and gained weight doing it), the guy who once listened to four consecutive hours of Buddy D (without a bathroom break) is a whimp when it comes to a teeny, tiny bug the size of Brownie's brain.

I'd rather spend the day listening to The Greatest Speeches of Ray Nagin than brave an hour in a duck blind or redfish pond with clouds of these mean little SOBs.
Hunting and fishing are supposed to be fun. When the gnats are out, it ain't.

It's not so much those burning little bites they leave, it's the non-stop aggravation. Other macho outdoors types know what I'm talking about. Gants get in your hair (my scalp is itching just thinking about them), crawl up your nose, swarm down your throat. These guys would have worked at Abu Ghraib. Bottom line -- if they're outside, I'm staying inside.

So why the rant?

Because this is the height of gnat season, and I'm reading about all this bail-out stuff -- billions and trillions to maybe "fix" the economy. But if they really want this world to be a better place for people who count (like, me) let's eradicate gnats. We got rid of small pox, why can't we tackle gnats?

After all, what good are gnats? What vital niche do they occupy in the ecosystem? Would the planet stop spinning, would Antarctica suddenly melt, would the Hornets miss the playoffs if we spent a few billion ending this plague?

To find the answers to these questions, I contacted an etymologist (a bug man) at LSU. His first response was to laugh. The second was to ridicule: "Oh, come on, they can't be that bad?"

What? I'm being trash-talked by some guy in a white smock? I was about to tell him "Hey, Lab rat, you're talking to a guy who once played 18 holes without a caddie. Don't talk to me about tough."

But, probing journalist that I am, I ignored the insults and mined this scientist for the kernels of vital information that could help my readers. After all, this wasn't about me.

This is what I found out.

-- We're dealing with tiny flying insects that belong to the genus Culicoides. There are more than 1,400 species of these guys; they occur everywhere except the polar regions; they can transmit diseases (mostly to farm animals); they are hated by outdoors folks wherever they appear; other than the occasional snack for bats, no one is sure what benefit they provide to any other segment of nature.

-- The good news for gnat sissies like me is "gnats" is the wrong moniker for these bugs. They're actually a type of "blood-sucking midge." That restores some of my pride. True, they are often called "no-see-ums" or just "midges" in some places. But from now on, I'm no longer afraid of gnats, I'm doing battle with blood-sucking insects!

They've been around a very long time, and they don't face any serious natural threats in the future. Climate change? They'll eat it up -- literally.

-- The chances of any invention that could wipe them out -- at least in southeast Louisiana? Not good.

Which leaves us with one of the favorite questions wherever marshmen meet: What's the best deterrent for gna . . . blood sucking midges?

Here's my list:

-- Cover up. This means long sleeves, long pants, light gloves and a face net. effective, but very uncomfortable.

-- ThermaCell. These small butane-powered repellent burners are effective in an enclosed duck blind as long as the wind isn't blowing. They are almost useless in an open fishing boat.

-- 3M Ultrathon. Uses a 25-percent DEET formula listed to last for 12 hours. It can work for several hours, but you'll need to get used to having this strong chemical soaking into your skin.

-- Secret Garden Vanilla Lace Ultra-Moisturizing Body Cream by Victoria's Secret, or Avon's Skin-So-Soft oil. Potions like these work mainly by drowning the insects, but they have only limited success in keeping them away. And walking into a Victoria's Secret store in your camo always draws stares.

-- Stay home.

I know that last one works -- as long as you keep the windows closed.

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Bob Marshall can be reached at rmarshall@timespicayune.com or 504.826.3539.