Trust is key to maintaining healthy relationships at work, school, and home. Unfortunately, we all encounter untrustworthy people from time to time. When this happens, confronting the untrustworthy individual can be a helpful way to address the situation. While there is no guarantee that an untrustworthy person will change, communication gives them the tools to rebuild trust, if they’re willing--and will help you to feel that you’ve done everything you can.

Steps

Part 1

Finding and Assessing Reasons for Mistrust

1

Identify specific examples of when that person has caused mistrust. In order to express that a person is untrustworthy, it helps to have specific situations that illustrate when they’ve acted that way. Having concrete examples gives you the confidence that you have something to say, and allows you to keep your own emotions in check. Concrete examples also allow the mistrusted person to reflect on what went wrong and to think of what they can do differently.[1]

2

Ask for others’ input. If the person you don’t trust also causes mistrust in others, that’s important information, as it validates your experience and gives even more cause for the mistrusted person to change. Again, have these people provide you with specific examples related to your own experiences of mistrust.

For example: "Has Becky ever lied or not followed through with you? Do you trust her?"

3

Avoid gossiping. While it can be helpful to gather everyone's point of view if more than one person is affected by the situation, be straightforward in your approach. Keep your conversations private, and stick to the issue: specific experiences that have broken trust: If you appear to be spreading rumors, you risk your own accountability and you may be accused of untrustworthiness.

4

Bounce your ideas off of a person you can trust. Talking with a trusted friend who is outside of the situation can ensure that you’re not overreacting or judging someone unfairly. Explain the situation to them, and provide them with the specific examples you came up with. If it sounds reasonable to them, you may feel calmer in your approach with the untrustworthy person.

Part 2

Developing the Right Mindset

1

Calm your mind. Before confronting an untrustworthy person, it is crucial that you are as calm and collected as possible. If you enter the situation angrily, that may set off a defensive response in the person you confronted, which won’t get either of you anywhere.[2] First, try a few calming techniques:

Spend some quality time with a person you do trust

Exercise or do some other healthy activity you enjoy

Meditate, relax, and breathe slowly

Make sure you’re feeling well-rested and well-fed

2

Double-check your motivations. At this point, you've already reflected and reasoned carefully, and you've begun preparing your mind for a calm confrontation. Now ask yourself: "am I looking to pick a fight, or do I want to help rebuild the trust?" Step back and reassess the situation later if you are feeling angry.

3

Focus on a successful outcome for both you and the person you’ll be confronting. In order to rebuild trust in someone, both parties should feel like their needs and concerns are being addressed. People are capable of changing, and they’re often more willing to try if you go in genuinely wanting a good relationship with them.[3]

4

Be prepared for the worst-case scenario. No matter how well-meaning and well-prepared we are, some people just don’t want to change. In the event that the person you confront denies, blows up, or blames the issue on others, be prepared to calmly back out of the situation and reassess it before attempting to communicate again.

5

Decide to have a backup plan. Having a backup plan can help you to feel more in control before going into the conversation.[4] A few points to consider for your backup plan include:

Who will you go to for help if the worst case happens?

Would it be more productive to attempt talking again at a later date?

Is this relationship still worth fighting for?

Part 3

Confronting the Individual

1

Invite the individual to have a conversation. Before you can address the issues, first you’ll need to ensure that the conversation can begin successfully.

It is always best to communicate in person whenever possible, so choose a neutral, mutually agreeable location, such as a meeting room or a quiet coffee shop.

If you can’t meet in person, a phone call or Skype conversation would be ideal. Either way, aim for quiet, neutral territory, and the ability to maintain eye contact and/or active listening.

Keep it private; don’t pull the person aside in front of others, if at all possible.

Before confronting the issues, be sure to express your appreciation for their time and start out positive!

2

Present your case. You’ve already reflected on examples of times this person has caused mistrust; now express those examples clearly. Don’t present them as feelings right away; rather, first state what happened, then follow up with a statement describing how that made you feel.[5]

You might say: "Toni, when you told my secret to Alex after I asked you to keep it private, I felt like you betrayed my trust."

3

Step back and listen. Now that you’ve presented one or more concrete examples of times you and/or others were led to not trust the individual, it’s important to give them time to reflect, follow up, explain, and maybe even apologize. This listening time is crucial because it will give you cues as to how to proceed with rebuilding trust.

Do they try to hear and address your concerns, or do they want to deflect, defend, or deny?

Be certain you understand their side. It can be helpful to ask questions to ensure this.

You ask, for example: "Ok, Pat, am I understanding you correctly in this?" then repeat a summary of what you understood. If you’re still calmly communicating, and there appears to be mutual understanding, then carry on!

4

Try the sandwich technique of communication. This technique can work well as a platform for rebuilding trust, as it demonstrates that you still see the good in someone and are not just ‘attacking’ them.[6] After you've addressed the negative situation and given the other person a chance to speak, try expressing something hopeful and relationship-building, such as:

Giving them an example of something they are/have been trustworthy at,

Reminding them of something you appreciate them for,

Expressing your gratitude: "Thank you for taking the time to have such a difficult conversation with me, Rachel!"

5

Wrap it up. Once you’ve expressed your main points of concern, have listened to the other’s side of things, and hopefully, maintained a positive ‘sandwich’ of communication, it’s time to move forward:

Thank the person for listening to your concerns.

Express your hope that a more trusting relationship can be built.

Offer your availability for further dialogue if you feel that progress has been made.

If things went badly, don’t feel obligated to keep trying--the ball is in their court to make the change now.

Community Q&A

My best friend told some boys my secret. She said that the boys won't tell anyone, but she still did it without my permission. How do I confront her?

wikiHow Contributor

Be direct. "Because you told my secret without my permission, it is no longer my secret. I can't trust you not to tell anything else that I tell you in confidence." If they were really your best friend, they wouldn't have told anyone. She'd rather have the boys' attention than be your best friend.