Should my partner and I choose a male or female to create our first threesome?

Jessi Fischer is a writer, academic dilettante, public speaker and sex educator for universities, high schools and outreach organizations. Full Bio

Q:

My partner and I have been discussing the possibility of having a threesome. I was wondering if it makes a difference whether we use a male or a female for our first experience.

A:

In the big, general advice grand scheme of things: yes and no. Yes because people certainly have a wide range of preferences when it comes to sexual partners’ anatomy, physical appearance, mannerisms, musical tastes, humor, intelligence, social background, etc. So is physical sexual anatomy being some powerful X-factor for determining the level of pleasure in a given sexual encounter?

No. The answer there is most certainly no.

If you’re wondering what to look for in a third party for your nascent voyage on the S.S. Menage A Trois, how about things like sexual confidence? Clear and open communication skills? A good sense of boundaries? An attraction to both you and your partner? General desire to engage in a threesome?

First though, have a long discussion with you partner about this fantasy. Talk about why you both want this and what the boundaries will be. Will you be comfortable with someone from your immediate circle of friends, someone several degrees removed or a stranger? Figure out what you would both find attractive in a third person. (Including, of course, genitals.) One thing that’s pretty effective is making a "yes," "no," "maybe" list. This can work for both defining the characteristics of a potential third person as well as the activities that might take place during the encounter.

And, perhaps, before you do all of that, ask yourself why you chose the word "using" when formulating your question. There are plenty of things we can all use sexually. Vibrators. Nipple clamps. Feather dusters. Hot candle wax. Kitchen utensils. Various other inanimate objects. But nowhere in my mental list does "person" come up. I think of verbs like "invite" and "share" and "experience" but certainly not "use."

So remember: Communicate, make lists and figure out what will work for you and your partner. And I hope you find my advice to be, *ahem*, of use.