I haven’t had mine yet, but I’ve been to so many, been a maid of honour three times and a bridesmaid countless others I’m now a bit of an expert. So, I feel obliged to share my wisdom with you all!

You might want to have a civilised afternoon tea and look pretty in tea dresses and that’s fine. But if you want something a touch more obscene then these dos and donts may be useful for you… Or your maid of honour! Tag her!

Embrace fancy dress!

I guarantee you will have a much better time on your hen do if you and all your mates are dressed up in fancy dress. This is a fact. You can’t argue with it. People will love it and ask for photos with you, and you will not stop laughing at your mates all night. The memories will be hilarious.

Fancy dress is a way of life. We here at feral HQ take it very seriously. Don’t just do shitty cat ears and draw on whiskers. I’m talking Disney theme, around the world, circus theme, dressing up as a crayon or dressing up as a television or something. Think of a fancy dress that no one else will do and go for it it! You will laugh at the pictures for years.

Leave your inhibitions at home!

This is your special night and a free pass to act like a giant knobhead and/or wild animal.

Dance on a table or a bar…go on. Your best mates will be there to catch you when you fall over.

Someone drank a shot of piss at Amelie’s hen do……not even lying.🙈🙈🙈

Be open minded about the location!

You can have an amazing time abroad, but equally a British city or seaside resort can also be just as amazing. You need to make sure it’s not a faff to get a load of girls there, but remember, you’re with your best mates so you’ll have an amazing time wherever you are. Amelie chose Blackpool and we stayed in a dive, but we had a fucking ball!

Make it too expensive!

If it’s far too expensive no one will go, or they will go and moan about the price which start the hen do off on a good vibe. I’m going to Benidorm for mine, but we are doing everything on the cheap, as long as you have your mates and a bar what more do you need?

Invite every Tom, dick and Harry to your hen do.

If there’s 50 people there will be too many cooks to spoil the broth.

Who do you count as your best mates? Just pick them.

Don’t invite bitchy, Z-lister Lorraine just because she invited you to her afternoon tea and cocktail class last year. Especially, if you’re not arsed about her.

It’s so much easier to be organised with say ten girls rather than thirty. Quality over quantity people.

Include Tack!

I don’t like tack at weddings, but tack on a hen do is absolutely, 100% essential! It brings people together and is a huge talking point. Most importantly it’s funny as fuck! When else can you get away with drinking out of a willy or vagina straw? Or walking around with a giant inflatable cock?

We stuck pictures of obscene penises and actual condoms to Amelie’s veil and garter on one night of her hen do. It was outrageous but also fabulous.

Be afraid to be bossy!

People might be late paying for things, they might give you excuse but just make deadlines and stick to them. If people aren’t gonna pay by the allocated time and after a reminder then they can do one. They’re out.

This also works on the actual hen do, you have planned the day and need to let everyone know what’s going on and where they are going. Ask for help from other members of the hen do if you need help gathering the troops to the next bar.

Include some games!

I’m not talking about monopoly or guess who, think along the lines of truth or dare, Mr and Mrs, sharing drunken memories of the bride and never have I ever. Making the best looking wedding dress out of loo roll. Stupid games that involve booze and offend people I usually find are the best!

Think outside the box!

Try and do something a bit different that is personal to your bride. Amelie is a huge MJ fan, so for her hen do Freya and I hired a Michael Jackson impersonater to perform at the shitty Blackpool B&B we were staying in. She absolutely loved it!

I once planned a hen do for a pregnant bride, we went to her favourite restaurant and she enjoyed a load of mocktails, we then went to a comedy club and it was perfect! We still dressed her up in full hen do attire and she loved it.

I am obsessed with David Gandy (I sometimes have sex dreams about him, but that’s another story) so I’m hoping he will crop up in some form on my hen (hint hint Amelie and Freya!)

Invite a stripper if the hen doesn’t want one!

If you know your mate well you can tell if she will be into this or not. Amelie flat out refused to have one before we even mentioned the idea, she doesn’t mind strippers per say she just didn’t fancy a stripper on HER knee and a dick in HER face! Whereas, I think I will be more offended if I didn’t. What’s more fun than ripping the piss out of a smiling, greasy man dancing around with his cock out.

This point also applies to the bride being comfortable, some brides are more reserved than others so know your bride before you tie her to a lamppost or order her seven jäger bombs.

Look after each other.

This is very important. I have a few mates who wander off after a skinful and make new friends which is fine, but just make sure you’re all together when you’re bar hopping. Never leave anyone behind!

If one of you is more steaming than the rest, ensure that they have a tactical vomit so they can stay for the whole night. Even give them a glass of water discreetly.

Complain to the bride if it’s all gone tits up..

If something has gone wrong or someone is making you fume, best to not tell the bride and worry her. Hopefully she will be too pissed to notice anyway!

So there we have it..

I’m having a civilised meal type affair hen in Manchester that I will invite my mum, sister, the in-laws etc to, but I’m going to have my proper feral hen do in Benidorm planned by my MOHs Amelie and Freya (on the cheap) I’ve told them I want to see strippers and obscenity everywhere and that I want everyone to be permanently wasted the whole time. You can go hard or you can go home.