Mars and Venus by John Gray

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Husband Needs to Make His Wife Feel Special

Dear John: I blew it again! It was our 14th wedding anniversary and I completely missed it. And my wife was really upset. She acts as if I forgot because I don't love her, but that's not at all true. Well, she has barely spoken to me for the past two weeks, and in the bedroom ... forget about that.

What can I do to really make this up to her? I've apologized a dozen times, but it doesn't seem to do any good. Please help! — In the Doghouse in Newport Beach, Calif.

Dear Doghouse: Your opening words, "I blew it again," tell me that this is probably a pattern of behavior. This tells her that you simply don't care. I don't think that is really the case, but it's kind of obvious why she might feel that way. Show her that you want to make amends, but don't just tell her. In a practical sense, that means doing something big. You missed the anniversary, and I'm guessing you've missed other big dates, like birthdays?

It's time to set things straight. Do something exciting, something a little over the top. Clear the calendar for a night, take her to dinner, and give her a key to a hotel room as a surprise. Have a bottle of chilled champagne waiting for the two of you in the room. And some flowers would be nice, too.

Here's the bottom line: Your wife is your life partner, not your buddy or business partner. Your buddy doesn't care if you don't remember the first time you played golf together, but a woman loves to be cherished. And part of being cherished is being remembered on special occasions. So, get a calendar program and set it up to alert you when a big date is coming up.

Just because it's not a big deal to you doesn't mean it's not a big deal to her.

Dear John: My husband and I had an argument over our lovemaking and he's been keeping his distance from me for the past two weeks. It all started when I suggested certain things he could do to increase my pleasure during our lovemaking. He did not respond well to what I said, and our sex life has fallen off a cliff ever since. Please help if you can. — Love Lost in Williamsport, Pa.

Dear Love Lost: My guess is that you made the innocent mistake of telling your husband what you wanted rather than showing him. I know, it sounds like a small difference, but to a man's psyche it can make all the difference in the world. Think of it as a game of warmer and colder. When he does the right thing in bed, make responsive sounds that tell him you like what's happening. That's showing. On the other hand, if you say, "I really prefer for you to do this and not that," you're telling him. But worse than it appears to you, the message he gets is that he's an inept lover, which hits his secret, insecure fear (one that nearly all men have) that you have never considered him to be a good lover. Don't go there, because that will put him off and get the kind of reaction that you're describing.

Don't worry, however, he'll come back around soon enough. Most men can't resist the lure of the bedroom for very long. When he does come around, please remember that simple rule: show him, don't tell him.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or e-mail him at comments@marsvenus.com. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2010 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE

Comments

I can relate to LW1's wife on the forgotten anniversary, especially if he's done it more than once. It can be very hurtful. Things like birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day are important to most women, while to men they're just another day. LW1 needs to understand this, and I agree that he should do something to make it up to her (something really nice!).

However, for her to hardly speak to him for two weeks and keep her distance is unproductive and hurtful. If he was just an insensitive jerk it would be one thing, but it sounds like he's trying (maybe just a forgetful type of guy?). She really should give him a chance to make things right.
As for LW2, he sounds kind of insecure to me. It's not as if his wife came right out and said to him: "You're lousy in bed". She should reassure him that she loves him and loves being intimate with him. But he should also count his blessings; there are far too many men out there who complain that they aren't getting any sex at all.

I disagree w/John about the 2nd poster...What if he never does the right thing that she wants? If he never thinks to do it, then how can she moan louder or wiggle more to show him what pleases and what does not? Sometimes you have to tell someone, men are not mind readers...I think her husband is just being immature and overly sensitive and may just be a selfish lover to start with, maybe he does not Want to work on it because he gets his 30 seconds and that is all that matters to him! He must not be pleasing her and should be happy to get some instructions. Many guys would LOVE some straight forward sexy instructions instead of fumbling around in the dark, hoping for a moan or some sign...but some guys who are jealous, selfish, control freaks and they will react like THIS: Here is what he MAY be thinking. "She did this stuff with someone else." "Someone else pleased her more" then that leads to "My wife is a sl*t and has been with many men, maybe even more men that I have had women!" then possibly to "Is she doing this stuff w/someone else now? Maybe she is cheating or soon will be!" Then they get all mad and go off and pout for days...hmmm. You would not believe some of the psychos women deal with, seriously. So, lady if THIS scenario sounds like your man...you are better off single or married to someone else. Please don't bring kids into it...premature ejaculation had be a hereditary problem....

I think it's just a guy thing. My husband remembered our first anniversary, but not many more. I just had a birthday, and of my five teenage grandkids, only the only granddaughter sent a greeting. Of my assorted facebook friends and relatives, I got greetings from 19 females and 0 males. I did get calls from both sons, but my best guy friend--nothing. For several years I reminded him (with no results) but this year I just let it go .(He did, however, spend his own birthday with me last year.) Just appreciate what they do remember!

Dear John,
It wasn't a special day when my husband said we had to get married, since I was pregnant for the 4th time and refused to get another abortion. So it doesn't surprise me that our wedding anniversaries are nothing more then "Just another day, nothing special. When he does make an attempt he only makes suggestions and then never follows threw with the plan, making it an excuse of "Well I planned but...." After 29 years of this, I'm to hurt to celebrate anything but the pain of getting married. I do love him and I try to be all that he wants in a wife, but that too is a challegene. He always compete for my womanhood, by being the homemaker and I'm having to have the job to help keep the household afloat. He doesn't see it as that. He says he has worked, but it hasn't been enough leaving me to go get a job to make up the rest, which I didn't mind helping him, but not to the point of working more hours then him and leaving my motherhood to latch key kids, and being to tired to clean the house and cook the meal. Working 12 to 15 hour day would leave me to tired to even get up to go to work. Body in pain, children left unattended, and absolutely no sex for the pass 10 or more years, which doesn't bother him at all... it is like I'm just a buddy, a roommate, I'm not woman enough to be his man... He is happy with his excuses and doesn't see thing in the way I'm explaining. So it makes it alright according to him... He runs to clean the house but he fights to get the men chores done, and he call this helping me out. Well John it is our 29th anniversary today, and he had a plan but it isn't going to go threw, because you see, it is just another day to him and has been all these year, for this comes up every year around this time, but he tells everyone he has great plans but I never want to do anything... Could it be the pain is to great year in year out. He is my companion and I do love him. I think of him and got him a present, and would cook him a meal if he would get out of the kitchen long enough or even take him out. But I'm tired of being his man... Every time I start to do something or be someone of my own personality he robs me of it and starts to do the same thing, then he takes over and I'm left empty, hurt. We even have the same kind of jobs... do the same thing in church social's. He doesn't do anything with men like cut wood to heat the house. I have to help him and I'm the one stacking the wood into the truck. When it is time to defend the family, I'm the one who has to take up the honor and then I"m the loud mouth woman and he just sits in the back ground being quite. He starts the argument and expects me to defend him. I don't know what to do. He never acknowledges what I'm saying to him and how I feel. He says he does if we are at a marriage counselors and he puts on the dog and looks like he is complying, but when people aren't around he goes right back the the same ole. I feel stripped of my motherhood when my children where at home, and I feel striped of my wifehood, and my womanhood as a woman in general... I can't compete with a man who wants to be a woman and deny s it along the way. What to do? Divorce is out of the question, for I'm a believer in my vows until death does us a part, for better or worse, I'm just sorry it has been for worse... I'm tired of no sex and him saying nothing about it... oh he says he would but I no longer feel the desire to want too with him. I still have the desire, but he no longer is able, but when he was it didn't bother him not too. Again another excuse that always said he wants to but never any attempts too even on a good day. I feel so unloved, unattractive and I gained so much weight that I"m no longer good looking let alone on the inside. What to do? What to do? Today is my 29th wedding anniversary and I just want to cry... Yes he got his present, something he wanted. I'll be surprised to see the out come of today this year. Sorry for my negativeness, I've learned and partially accepted that it really isn't but "JUST ANOTHER DAY, AND I'm not worth the celebration. Maybe I'll just give him a homemade card of our wedding certificate all torn up. I think he would like that.... Freedom with out him being blamed, but then again who would he be if he didn't have my personality to copy... Yes sarcasm has filled my heart on this day.... Thank you for listen and letting me type this out... To broken to celebrate this year

Jude,
I have to ask. If things are as miserable as you say, why do you stay? You can build another life for yourself if your husband refuses to work on your problems. Perhaps it might take you drawing the line in the sand for him to come around, but perhaps you would be better off alone. Either way, a life of misery isn't what life should be.
I would also suggest that you show your husband the letter you wrote. It is also possible that he doesn't understand how miserable you really are and how much his lack of attention is effecting you. No matter what, make a decision to make your life a little better each day.
-Julie

Why do people imprison themselves in miserable marriages? Seriously, it does NOT help the kids. Promises to oneself aren't always the best promises. And after having 3 prior abortions for him I'm assuming why stay? He didn't sound worthy then, and doesn't sound worthy now. At least from what I can understand from the letter's fractured grammar.