I am a 36-year-old man and have been living happily with my American girlfriend for six months, following her divorce a year ago. Before we started seeing one another, she told me she was a receptionist in a massage parlour in America, but I have recently discovered she was actually a masseuse, which is where she met her ex-husband (a client), then moved to the UK to marry him. I believe she has not told me about this because of the effect it had on her last relationship. I am about to give up work to set up business with her but am now not so sure I should, as she has turned out to be someone who hides the facts.

I realise that if this letter were from a woman, I'd be rummaging for my red-alert hat and urging you to run for the hills. My response would be peppered with the words 'chancer' and 'opportunist'. There is no reason I should treat your letter any differently. I must admit to surprise at your apparent naivety on hearing the words 'receptionist in a massage parlour'. (And what exactly qualifies her as your business partner, unless you are setting up an outlet of similar attractions?) Your girlfriend may well assume you've always understood the euphemistic nature of her CV, and if not it's somewhat staggering that you're proposing a business venture with someone about whom you appear to know so little.

Clearly you've got to listen to her story. You have to understand why she worked there and why she chose to marry a client - surely an action of rather dubious judgment? You then need to understand the reasons for the divorce, and I'd be very keen to discover the size of her settlement. Most importantly, after all the lies, she has a lot to do to earn back your trust. At the end of that exchange of information, you will know better if she still stacks up as a good business partner and/ or girlfriend. You may, however, need to think about your business acumen, as your trusting nature may not survive the cut and thrust demanded of today's entrepreneurs. Don't give up the day job.

I have been with my current man for about a year and for the most part have been happy with him. His ex is my only problem, as she tried to get him back shortly after we got together. After a few months of her pestering him by text, I told him to tell her to back off. My boyfriend agreed, but I've just discovered that he's been in constant contact with her since then, via phone calls, texts and even occasional meetings. He tells me it's innocent and that they just want to be friends. When I have suggested that I meet her, he has dismissed the idea as ridiculous. Can people really be friends with their ex without any other feelings? Or am I being naive in trusting him?

You're not being naive. The problem is, you don't trust your boyfriend - and who would blame you, as he clearly deceived you by seeing his ex? Of course, exes can become friends and, in many ways, it is more natural to maintain contact than not. When a lot of history has been shared, it feels abnormal to institute the proverbial clean break. However, it's generally advised that some time elapses before a friendship is renewed, as the post-break-up period is inevitably emotionally overwrought. In your case, your boyfriend was probably nurturing feelings of hurt when the ex claimed she regretted leaving him, and it was too much for his ego to resist seeing her. You were completely reasonable to support him for a couple of months and then put your foot down. Essentially, you were forcing him to make a choice between you rather than the endless shillyshallying he was displaying.

Ultimately he has undermined your entire relationship during the period he was seeing her and lying to you. He has a lot to prove to you, and that includes cutting the ex out for a long time. If he can't do that, it proves ambivalence in his feelings for you, whereas you deserve something more unequivocal. His reluctance to accept your generous offer of meeting his ex is a giveaway. I hesitate always to recommend an ultimatum of the 'her or me' variety, but it seems to me you have no choice. If he had kept you in the picture this whole time, you wouldn't feel so cornered. Now it's self-preservation that must be your priority in the months to come.

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About this article

Dear Marie

This article appeared in the Observer
on Saturday 25 September 2004.
It was published on
the Guardian website
at 06.52 EDT on Sunday 26 September 2004.
It was last modified at 06.52 EST on Friday 4 November 2005.
It was first published at 06.52 EST on Friday 4 November 2005.