Saturday, April 12, 2014

25 Days: Thoughts on Motherhood

I wanted to share some of the things running around my head after 25
days in the trenches. I think some of you may relate, or have advice to
share, or just appreciate a peek into what it's like after one of the
biggest life changes we'll ever experience:

For those who don't know, Baby Miles ended up being a c-section
delivery after 13 hours of labor that stopped progressing. He was stuck
and not able to "drop" like he needed to, and despite lots of pitocin,
my body basically said "eff this" and stopped having strong
contractions. If this had been olden times, one or both of us likely
wouldn't have made it, which is really strange to think about.

I was terrified of a c-section delivery, and it ended up being
fine. No pain, and about 25 minutes from start to finish. The recovery
is no party, don't be mistaken, but it's not the ordeal I was
envisioning after reading scary blog posts from people who are either
really dramatic, or perhaps facing some unusual circumstances. So, if
you end up in my shoes, don't freak out. That said, it is major
abdominal surgery and perhaps the only kind that you don't get to fully
relax after having. Take advantage of all offers of help, and don't
feel bad about leaning on your partner or family to do all housework and
fetch you things as you recline on the sofa and let your body recover.

I had no idea what sleep deprivation was like until now. We live in
3-4 hour increments between feedings, and my nighttime sleep comes in a
series of 2-3 hour naps. I am slowly getting more used to it, but I'd
say that 90% of the time I could lay down and fall asleep if given the
option.

Up until the end of last week, I'd say I definitely had a bad case
of the baby blues. I was constantly on the verge of tears, and felt
totally overwhelmed by breastfeeding and learning to soothe a crying
baby. Now that my hormones have leveled out a bit and we've started
going on walks and venturing out for short trips to places not packed
with people, I feel so much better.

Probably one of the biggest adjustments for me has been being mostly
home bound. I often have no reason to get dressed, but make it a point
to put on fresh clothes and take a long bath or shower every day. I
know lots of moms go on about not bathing or changing clothes covered in
bodily fluids, but the old me is not dead and that is where I draw the
line. That said, I never thought I'd spend so much time in leggings,
cardigans, and nursing tanks. It was a big deal to finally put my
maternity skinny jeans back on this week:

Yes, I'm back in maternity jeans (if I'm venturing out in public). I
don't look normal yet, and wasn't expecting to after 3.5 weeks, but am
anxious to see how many of these extra inches I'll need to burn off once
I'm allowed to exercise. Although I wasn't delusional, it's really
hard to come home with a body that doesn't look or feel like your own
when everything else in your life is different, too. However, this
little face is worth every stretch mark and extra pound:

I was pretty up front about my dread when it came to breastfeeding,
and I'm sad to say it was totally warranted. I wanted to love it (and
during easy daytime feedings, I do) and was hoping it would come
naturally, but it's been an uphill battle for which I was only
semi-prepared. I think that hospitals and care providers walk a fine
line between scaring new mothers away from trying, and allowing them to
have unreal expectations when it comes to the level of work and skill
needed to be successful. I ended up somewhere in the middle - expecting
it to be hard but still shocked at how consuming it is. You see,
breastfeeding is a skill, and it has its own jargon and techniques that
you will quickly learn as you do it every 3-4 hours for weeks on end. I
probably think about how great it will be to quit at least 15 times per
day, especially since it forces me to be solely responsible for feeding
the baby unless I've pumped milk for my husband to offer in a bottle.
It's tough for a couple used to equal division of labor, especially when
one party is an emotional mess and accustomed to being good at things.
However, I'm going to give it another few weeks in hopes that we'll hit
our stride before I switch to pumping, and I'm proud that we're still
nursing exclusively and that Miles is growing like a weed.

Wow, that was a lot of thoughts! I'm sure I'll look back on
this post and laugh one day, but this is where my brain is at the moment.

2 comments:

Congratulations on your little one, he's absolutely precious! I certainly remember lots of what you talked about in this post, but also lots of things I've already forgotten! Like the sleep deprivation - so I promise, it gets better! I remember feeling like I was never going to sleep through the night again, but eventually I did. =) I breastfed for 8.5 months, then exclusively pumped for 4 more, so if you would like to chat, let me know. I'm definitely for giving it a shot, but also know that every single situation is different. Congrats again!!