Shawty Lo: The Daddy I Wish I Had!

Say what you want about rapper Shawty Lo’s lifestyle—his profligate show of wealth—his dick phallus-swinging—his licentious and whore-mongering ways and his eleven (11) chirr’ren by ten (10) different vaginas. (I ain’t one to talk! I have four (4) children from three baby mamas.) Shawty Lo is no worse than the average brotha, who, by the time he finds "Mrs. Right"—has bedded down a bevvy (or is it a plethora?) of women. Men are whores and are taught to “sow our wild oats.” We are taught to be “players.” Men have “black books” and “notches on our dicks.” We “kiss and tell” and are constantly on a pussy hunt for the “Holy Grail of Vaginas.” Boys are bred to become uber-fucking machines.

(Rapper Shawty Lo, father of 11 children by 10 "Baby Mamas.")

I mean, like, if I had to honestly say how many chicks I’ve banged over the years—that number would be up in the high 400’s—and I’m just a regular nigga who was blessed with good looks and a big dick. That aside, girls, chicks, and women used to throw pussy at me like running water! (If you recall from an earlier blog, the first two pieces of poonanny thrown at me—I ran from!) What’s a brotha to do?

I could easily rag on Shawty Lo—like a lot of y’all are doing because he has all of them baby mamas and pickaninnies children. Yeah, I could shit on him! That’s too easy! (Why blog about the obvious socio-nationalistic degradation of a race of people by the Niggerdom which his life poses?) Boring!

I know history and I smell hypocrisy! Do you Christian Negroes shit on King David—who had 68 wives and had a man murdered just so he could fuck his wife (Bathsheba)? Hell No! You read his Psalms every Sunday! (He was called the “Apple of God’s Eye!”) Do you think that King Solomon having 700 wives and 300 concubines (more wives!) is sick and nasty! Hell no! You revere him as the “Wisest man in the East.” Do you think Jesus’ parable of the “Ten (10) Virgins” waiting on the Bridegroom is disgusting? (Yeah! Jesus was about that polygamy!) Prolly not! And if you’re Muslim, what about Prophet Muhammad's four wives and all them kids he fathered?--And those virgins you’re gonna get in Paradise? (That's a lot of dick-slinging in the name of your god, eh?)

And on another religious note—do you think Jesus himself came from a wonderful and sanitized bloodline? NO! His bloodline was rent with 42 generations of whores! Mythologist Gerald Massey wrote, "The virgin [Mary] was also called the harlot [whore] because she represented the pre-monogamic stage of intercourse--and Jesus sprang from the four forms of the harlot--Thamar, Rahab, Ruth and Bathsheba" (Massey 5). Read the scholarly shit on their backgrounds and be shocked! (*Notice how I drop science while cooning! It's my literary device!)

So why should I put this man, Shawty Lo, in the shit pile dung-heap of licentiousness and turn a blind-eye to so-called “men of God”—who make Shawty Lo’s sexcapades look like teen experimentation? Everything about our culture tells young boys/men to get as much pussy as we can! We learned from our daddies, older brothers and uncles. Shawty Lo is "The Whore that the Whore Made"--the worst product of a sexist, patriarchal and misogynistic society that validates men through their penises. But dare I say, most men are guilty of Shawty-osity on some level.

Shawty Lo is about to get his own reality show on the Oxygen Channel—a show featuring himself and his ten baby mamas and eleven children—oh!—and his current jump-off girlfriend; a chick who’s the same age as some of his kids (19). (Shawty Lo is 36 years old). This should be the most ratchet and coonerific show evaaaar! I'm chompin' at the bit to watch it! Coonery never looked so good! Say what you want! Get your, “Say it loud, I’m Black and I’m Proud!” on. Talk that, “Blacker-Than-Thou” shit you ol' ghetto-pious one! Get Negrotudenal! (I know this isn’t a word, but you get my drift!) I could care less about what white people think about The Original Man & Woman, the first gods & goddesses of the earth; Africa's Akebulan's gift to Amerikkka; the Progenitors & Eponymous Fathers & Mothers of civilization, who first, wrote with the pen--and raised the Zuggarats & Pyramids! Y'all worry about that! I'll be laughin' my slap-stick happy-ass off! (See? Mo' droppin' science mingled with coonery!)

(Fuck "Eight is Enough!" We on dat nigga-shit! All my Chirr'ren!)

I’ll be watching this show with baited-breath! And so will you! What did Jay-Z say? “Men lie! Women lie! Numbers don’t!” The Nielsen Ratings are gonna go through the effin’ roof watching this ghetto-quagmire of familial fuckery.

Based on the trailer, I wish I had a dad like Shawty Lo. Not necessarily the womanizing and dick-slinging, but the way he interacts with his children. They genuinely love to be in his company! (That’s more than I can say for my sober, one-woman-man father!) That nigga treated us as if we had AIDS or The Black Plague! I ain’t ever touched him--and he, I—save when he was whipping our asses! Shawty Lo is hands on—a real father and daddy, who takes time and plays with his children—like the one scene where he’s foot-racing one of his spawns. I can’t fathom my daddy running down the street with me! Fuck no! Shawty Lo is the daddy I wish I had! I’m sure Poppa Shawty would’ve sat me down and talked to me about the “Birds and the Bees”—and the skeezers & skanks and chicken-heads and how “falling in love” felt—and dealing with lost love—all of the things that Shawty Lo is gonna impart to his sons, as well as tell his daughters about guys like himself. And when I turned 16, Poppa Shawty would throw me a Nig-mitzvah, where he'd hire some of dem hawt dancers sckrippers from Strokers and we'd play "Battleship"--I lay down and she blows me to smithereens! But no! I learned all the sex-rules and heart-breaks from the School of Hard-Knocks--the streets! Take a 13-minute peep at the most ratchet show evaaar!

Indeed, Shawty Lo could be my daddy any day of the week! All that extra-relationship fucking he'd be doing behind my mama's back--that's grownfolk business! I just need love!

And unlike a lot of (black) men who shun their responsibility as a father by refusing to financially support the “Bebe kids” they've bred, Shawty Lo claims all of them and makes sure they know their siblings. And the greater feat—he’s managed to get all those test tubes/wombs baby mamas on the Shawty Lo Bandwagon—some real pimp-type shit!

Granted, Shawty Lo has a few nigger-pennies in the bank. He had two (2) hit records (Laffy Taffy and Dey Know) and is signed to Feddicent’s (50 Cent’s) G-Unit label. Most of those gold-digging chicks are prolly counting his coins while he sleeps. I mean, it’s not like Shawty Lo is Denzel-esque. He’s a 5’ 6” troll—a big-headed gremlin with deep pockets. But, considering the cards dealt to him—he has his house in order.

So y’all just keep on hating on Mr. Lo. I’m gonna move passed his past indiscretions and praise his unconventional household. For all we know, Shawty Lo might have fathered the Savior of the World! I wouldn’t be shocked!