5 Things I'm Secretly Thankful for This Thanksgiving

#2. Some Video Game Companies Just Say "Fuck It"

About a year ago, FIFA 12 (the granddaddy of all soccer games) was released for pretty much every gaming system and was given damn near perfect review scores across the board. In its first week, it sold 3.2 million copies, becoming the fastest selling sports game ever. With the level of anticipation for its release, that wasn't all that unexpected. What was unexpected was the glitch-filled, physics-bending gay sex marathon that happened when you hit the Start button.

Not into soccer rape? They have some good old-fashioned mutilation videos, too:

Oh, don't think that these are rare incidents. There are entire YouTube channels devoted to making not just single videos of these glitches, but full-on compilations. Don't worry, you don't need to know jack shit about soccer to get why these are awesome:

Americans, if you're with family right now, you tell those bitches they can wait a few minutes. You're at your computer being thankful as a motherfucker.

#1. All Jokes Aside, I'm Thankful for You Guys (No, Seriously)

There's a reason for this beyond just "you guys read my shit, and without you, I don't get paid." Around 1990, I met my best friend (You may have heard of him) in a boring art class and realized he was the only person I had ever met who shared my sense of humor. Since we technically had to be doing artwork in order to be in that class, we'd sit in the back and make up surreal stories while drawing some of the stupidest shit we could think of.

David would draw stick soldiers firing "beard guns" at an opposing army and narrate what was going on. I'd draw Gallagher parachuting off of the sun, smashing watermelons on his way down to defuse the Dennis Rodman bomb that was about to go off any second (yes, it was a bomb made out of Dennis Rodman). Angels had break-dance wars in fields that bloomed with beautiful Bret Michaels bushes. Hell, I got my fake Internet name from one of those drawings.

GettySeriously, try to imagine it. Just ripe Bret Michaels bushes as far as the eye can see.

Eventually, we realized that we could use that same comedy to get through other sucky parts of life -- not just art class. But the thing was, we had always been our own audience because no one else in that tiny shithole of a town got our sense of humor. I guess every kid goes through that, but we were antisocial enough for the theory to hold some legitimate weight. Imagine our surprise when we started writing comedy on the Internet and found that not only were there other people doing the same thing, but there was an absolute shitload of them.

Really? There are that many people who identify with that? That's insane.

So all joking aside, you have no idea how much I (and everyone here at Cracked) sincerely appreciate you as an audience. Because when shit gets the darkest in my life, the most surefire weapon I have against it is being able to make fun of it and laugh through it. If I didn't have you guys here to share that with, I'd just be another fuckup, laughing to myself until I literally went insane. So sincerely, thank you, thank you, thank you.

John has a Twitter where he rarely thanks anyone for anything, as well as a Facebook fan page. He preemptively thanks you for hitting the "Like" button over there. Unless you didn't, in which case, you can just lick his asshole.