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This is beyond bizarre. My oldest friend has turned to me for help. I need to run something by you for the sniff test, or perhaps to see if anyone has any experience.

Quick backstory: My gf has been M for about 6 years. 2 kids: 4,2. Both gainfully employed, but finances are strained. No history of infidelity, or even suspected until now.

Her H has developed a serious drinking problem past 2 years. Get blackout drunk, begin texting mean, nasty texts around midnight. Comes home around 3am, makes it to work by 7. Lather, rinse, repeat for 3 times per week.

She put her foot down about 1 month ago. The drinking in now limited to when she travels, about 1 time every 10 days or so. No more mean texts. The children are in the care of MIL, so they are safe.

Until Tuesday night. She was out of town and actually in my area, so she spent the night. Kids with MIL, H out drinking. The last she heard from him was at 8p Tuesday night.

She arrives home Wendesday AM and it is clear he never came home for the night. She rallies the troops (his family) at 12:30 to begin calling hospitals. As luck would have it, he arrives home by 1p.

And now the story:

He alleges he was rufied, date raped by a male, and was woken up by the cops @ 4:30am, and taken to the hospital. He had lipstick all over him, and alleges he was fully dressed when the cops arrived. When he came home, he had discharge papers from the hospital with the diagnosis of Adult Sexual Assault. He has very little details and reports almost memory of the events whatsoever.

WTF......

He received a full work up on the hospital, rape kit, a slew of prophylactic injections, HIV1 medications to take. He has nothing from the police, no cards, no police report, no number to call.

Holy shit. Help. There are any number of possible scenarios including he lied about the rape, that is was consensual, and he woke up sober with regrets.

I don't know what to even tell her.

edited for clarity

[This message edited by nokidding at 8:57 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]

Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA

TheIrishGirl♀ 43496Member # 43496

Posted: 9:01 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

Given the severity of what he is saying happened, you have to believe it. I can't imagine many men would seek medical attention for a rape that didn't happen. Seeking medical attention is a survival need- reporting it to the police is much harder, and less 'necessary' to do. I'm a rape survivor myself, and am somewhat ashamed that I never reported it, but I did the best I could with what I had at the time. It's one of the hardest parts of trying to move forward.

Offer support. Offer to listen. Seek professional help. Urge him to report it to the police, even though it is so hard to do, if not for him then to protect potential future victims.

It's very possible. He doesn't have to report it to the police and neither does the hospital. I too would urge him to call a rape crisis center, local or national. They will be of huge help to him and it will anonymous. You and your friend can also call a rape crisis line to find out more about what you can do to help. You don't even have to give your name.

I have worked as a victim advocate for many years, it can and does happen. Please reach out for help. He is not alone and there is help available.

I am so sorry this happened, but I am glad you are asking about it. You are doing the right thing. Please take care.

I should clarify that the police were involved and questioned him at the hospital. He just had no information from them. My gf is going to try to get a police report.

Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA

Undefinabl3♀ 36883Member # 36883

Posted: 9:34 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

He received a full work up on the hospital, rape kit, a slew of prophylactic injections, HIV1 medications to take. He has nothing from the police, no cards, no police report, no number to call.

The only thing fishy about this is that he has 'no number to call' the police back to.

You will not get a police report on the spot, it will take a few days for it to be written up and put into the system. I know a slew of cops and none of them actually carry cards with them. Most of the time they just say hey - call the department and they will get you to me.

I would have to agree with the rest though - in this instance alone, he really needs to be given the benefit of the doubt here.

You will not get a police report on the spot, it will take a few days for it to be written up and put into the system

Ok, yes. This is very bothersome. We are trying now to figure out which district would have responded. He was found in some 'by the hour' motel unresponsive and 911 was called.

We have no idea who found him, or who was called. Just that someone attempted to wake him up and found him unresponsive.

He just remembers waking up with the cops standing over him.

he really needs to be given the benefit of the doubt here.

Yes, this does seem to be the case.

Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA

deena04♀ 41741Member # 41741

Posted: 9:46 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

I am so sorry. I would believe it unless or until somethings shows your otherwise. For a guy to go seek help for this (not trying to stereotype here) shows courage. Any assault victim seeking help shows courage in doing so. I do think he needs help with his drinking, though. Maybe a start on that could help along with counseling for all that's happened.

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Figuring it out?!?!

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Dec 2013

BtraydWife♀ 42581Member # 42581

Posted: 9:57 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

This sounds horrible. I agree the police need to be followed up with. She should encourage him to file a report even with his lack of memories if one hasn't already been filed.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 3296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States

nokidding♀ 16242Member # 16242

Posted: 9:57 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

Thanks Deena!!

I have told her to take baby steps and lay down three simple boundaries...for now:

1. No more drinking
2. He is sleeping on the couch
3. He must come home immediately from work and pick up the children.

Her goal today is to try and find the police and information about an official report. She is also to look for AA and IC in her area.

Next week, her goal will be addressing his medical concerns. Some of his labs were concerning (glucose was 298) and he has follow up for the HIV1 meds.

After that, she will work with him to find the professional counseling that he needs, and to address the drinking issues.

I wonder if the 'blackout' drunk behavior was due to possible diabetes? He has a strong family history, and I know blood sugar level of 300 is super high. Just not sure if that is 'normal' sugar level when blinding drunk due to the alcohol.

Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA

caspers1wish♀ 28720Member # 28720

Posted: 10:02 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

That's terrible, I'm so sorry that happened.

If he has a history of a drinking problem, almost expect it to get worse if he's not getting any help to deal with the trauma he's experienced. He may drink to escape even more. He should be seeking counseling or some kind of support that focuses on the rape issue as well as the drinking.

Gently, I'm not sure this is a time for her to be setting boundaries. He's been through a lot. Yes, he should stop drinking, more for his health than saying that his drinking contributed to his rape. That's getting close to victim blaming. Sleeping on the couch also seems somewhat cruel considering that he is a victim here.

I would agree that for both of their mental states abstaining from sex for a bit would probably be beneficial, but that doesn't mean he can't be in the bed with her. They both need a lot of comforting, and there is nothing like being held.

Come straight home from work and be with the kids, sure, but I would present that more as 'I want you to be safe, I want to be with you' than anything else.

I assume this discussion has already happened between them if she's told you and you've told us, but please encourage his wife to avoid even the impression if blaming the victim.

I would want to know where this happened...it didn't happen in a crowded bar. My guess is he answered a craigslist ad..man looking for another man.....He showed up,got drunk and changed his mind..and the other guy wouldn't take no for an answer.

I'm not saying he wasn't raped...but she needs to know who,where,and why he was wherever he was in the first place.

BS(me)42
FWH 46
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 8641 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana

krsplat♀ 43242Member # 43242

Posted: 10:14 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

Her H has developed a serious drinking problem past 2 years. Get blackout drunk, begin texting mean, nasty texts around midnight. Comes home around 3am, makes it to work by 7. Lather, rinse, repeat for 3 times per week.

The rape seems real, given the hospital report. But is it also possible that the H has been dabbling in homosexual extracurriculars all this time? "Date raped" implies, well, having been on a "date" with the guy who raped him.

I think having him sleep on the couch, and refraining from sex until they're sure neither of them has STDs, seems like a pretty reasonable thing to me. And counseling for everyone, all around!

I wish your friend and her H the best of luck as they begin to unravel this terrible situation.

Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Looks like it was a dealbreaker after all

Posts: 473 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia

nokidding♀ 16242Member # 16242

Posted: 10:17 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

TIG

I appreciate the feedback You don't need to be gentle with me. I know I disappeared for a while, but I am know for being painfully blunt, and respond well when other are. Of course, I appreciate your feedback and it is very important to me. My point. You can give it to me straight.

You are right about the victim blaming and I will surely report this to my gf.

I guess I am just so angry with his decisions over the last few years. I want to protect her and her children.

God strike me down, but I am having a hard time believing his story. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that this sort of thing does happen, I just don't believe it happened to him. What I think happened is that he has been frequenting hookers for the last several years (I recently learned of some red flags) and unbeknownst picked up a tranny. Or perhaps he is on the DL, or perhaps bi-curious.

I don't know.

Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA

GabyBaby♀ 26928Member # 26928

Posted: 10:27 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

Gently, I'm not sure this is a time for her to be setting boundaries.

I totally agree with this.
I think his story of rape is likely true since he did go to a hospital, etc.
To set boundaries is akin (IMO) to treating the victim like a criminal.

The drinking is an issue, but a seperate one from this current crisis. That should be dealt with in a different way and when the current rape crisis "eases" a little.

The term date rape and the lipstick are what make me question the story.

Those may be two different components though and because of the rape report, it does need to be handled carefiully because if he's a victim your friend doesn't need to further victimize him.

IMO she should start looking into his email and phone, doing all the BS investigation stuff so she can find out if this was a drunken version of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or did her H go out seeking experimentation that went too far and he ended up being raped.

I'd agree withe veryone about the fact that boundaries need to be set. Has she gone to Al-Anon at all?

I hope this is his wakeup call.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11430 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo

EvenKeel♀ 24210Member # 24210

Posted: 10:43 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

The rape aside....there is something VERY wrong here.

Her H has developed a serious drinking problem past 2 years.

The onset of such severe, obsessive drinking indicates a mega issue.

The fact that he is drinking to black-out level to me sniffs of him disconnecting.

Something happened two years ago that may or may not play into the rape incident. Things I am brainstorming - is it possible he is questioning his sexuality (ie back when he began to drink to deal with is confusion)?

I could see how this could progress to him drinking and possibly searching to find out what is going in with him. That would be experimenting sexually that put him into a position that he was not ready for and it ended in rape?

IDK - that is just a brainstorm thing because he had all sorts of flag going off prior to his rape.

As for the rape - I would opt to believe it and offer her whatever support she needs.

He needs to get into some sort of IC. First to deal with the rape and secondly to deal with the drinking.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2421 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa

nokidding♀ 16242Member # 16242

Posted: 10:48 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

IMO she should start looking into his email and phone, doing all the BS investigation stuff so she can find out if this was a drunken version of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or did her H go out seeking experimentation that went too far and he ended up being raped.

Yes, Yes!!!

Or perhaps, this has been a 2 year habit that went horribly awry.

I am trying to work through all of that with her now. She tried his email, but he changed his password. Serious red flag.

Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA

norabird♀ 42092Member # 42092

Posted: 10:57 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014

I don't think I would call setting boundaries uncalled for right now. No one deserves to be raped, but if his behavior and decisions have been increasingly risky, if your gf has no idea what he has been up to, then I do think she needs answers and boundaries to protect herself. That does not preclude supporting him in dealing with the trauma but the circumstances are so bizarre and troubling that he does not get some kind of get of jail free card. Hopefully this will be his rock bottom and he will come clean about whatever he has been doing these past years. I cannot imagine having to deal with a husband who is so unreliable and disrespectful and in my opinion he doesn't get a pass on his awful bad decision making because it went awry like this. The hospital can probably refer him to a specialist IC on these issues for counseling?

I guess for me without stepping into victim blaming, we all need to take responsibility for our own decisions. I think he has to start doing that. As you say there is a sniff test issue here--not about whether he was raped, but about his other patterns of behavior. It sounds like that has been basically rug-swept and the time for rug-sweeping has pretty definitively passed now.