BrikWars Forum

The Magic SOB forum is for posts of story sequences that are frequently vignette-based. Put those here while actual battle reports can go in Reports From the Field.You must talk like James T. Kirk in this forum at all times. Leonard Nimoy is fine too.

PILTOGG: "Using the Artifax makes combat too easy; it's pointless and dull. I have to train my natural skills without them. Why, are you worried I'll be hurt?"

VAS KALLAS: "Of course not. Even if these Oktopustika creatures were a threat to you, you're standing over the most advanced medikal facilities in the sector. They wouldn't even give you time to bleed."

VAS KALLAS: "Losing our guests in the resurrection chambers would be unfortunate. But for the quest at hand, maintaining your skills is more important than any cost to equipment or personnel."

PILTOGG: "Then what is it?"

VAS KALLAS: "Since you've been using the Oktopustika to summon so many creatures for combat practice..."

VAS KALLAS: "...you've been making some weird friends."

PILTOGG: "IA IA!G'HROOGFIB'THMURBRUP BRUP"

VAS KALLAS: "... what did you say?"

PILTOGG: "I said Okka-Wakka and Shab-al-Hiri Pony are cool. Not only are they cool, but they've shared some excellent insight on the path to the Grail that were unavailable to our conventional modes of research."

VAS KALLAS: "It's more than that. We were a gothy faction to begin with, but the BrikThulhu cultists you're attracting are taking it to a different level. And there are rumors that Shab-al-Hiri Pony has more in mind for you than the magic of friendship."

PILTOGG: "The real drawback to slaughtering these creatures is the green ichor splattering everything afterward. Where is that janitor?"

PILTOGG: "Oto. I assume you monitored our conversation from three seconds ago and have already conducted a full investigation."

SECURITY DIREKTOR OTO: "Of course. I may not have a Stupendous Featinator, but I'm still capable of the occasional Security Feat when required. If you'll accompany me to the Resurrection Bay..."

OTO: "Vas Kallas is not alone. Apart from you, Emperor, everyone in the facility has Koincidentally 'forgotten' Janitor Steublich. Your resistance to the effect may be thanks to one of your Artifakt bonuses."

OTO: "Doktor Potterreich. What can you tell the Emperor and myself about our guests?"

DOKTOR POTTERREICH: "We are still working to isolate the witchblade effect in patient Blitzen, but it does not seem to be localized to our universe. We have had much more success with patient IV Horseman. The loss of his arm presented a fine opportunity to graft on new robot parts. This time, with chainsaws!"

VAS KALLAS: "Re-arming our enemies? Are you sure that's wise?"

POTTERREICH: "Re-arming, ho ho ho! Let's remember that I was appointed to this position for mad science, not wisdom."

PILTOGG: "And our third guest?"

POTTERREICH: "The third chamber is empty, mein Fuhrer. There is no third guest. But... wait! You're right! How did I forget?"

OTO: "Let's review the security footage."

OTO: "This is our last recorded footage of Janitor Steublich, before the suddenly video cuts out. He's completing his scheduled cleaning and maintenance of the Resurrection Bay, nothing out of the ordinary. But it appears that we made a critical error."

PILTOGG: "Professor Kleiner, you can tell your team to stop research on the Grail location. Thanks to our friend Okka-Wakka, we've determined that it was never located inside our BrikVerse at all. It exists within a plane of spiritual transcendence, open to anyone who knows the way."

RESEARCH DIREKTOR KLEINER: "Yes, Emperor. But we have other concerns."

PILTOGG: "Rather than open the path ourselves, our goal now is to find beings enlightened enough to find the path to the Grail, and bend them to our will. There isn't much time. A coven of witches has already begun opening a passage on this planet: Mocia.

It's on the outer fringes of Medivo space, so we won't feel the full effect of the anti-teknology field, but our advanced tek will still be unreliable. We won't be able to use the Teleportation Accelerator to warp in. I'll need your team to begin refitting the Dethstar and dropships to adapt to the anti-tek field as much as possible; we'll be landing in person."

KLEINER: "Right away, sir. But in the meantime, the Koincidental spacetime events are increasing in severity. We haven't pinpointed the source, but it seems to be related to the Artifakts --"

RESEARCHER KENT: "Sirs! Koincidence levels are spiking!"

KLEINER: "That's new."

RESEARCHER LAZLO: "Holy shit!"

KENT: "Look out!"

PILTOGG: "Contain yourselves, gentlemen - you may not be soldiers, but you're still Akkadians, and cowardice is not tolerated. The defense patrols are more than capable of handling random falling objects. Professor?"

KLEINER: "Initial readings indicate these giant scaffolds are from somewhere within our own BrikVerse, but nowhere nearby. It appears that this spacetime tear Koincidentally ripped a containment section out of a SHIP-sized construction project and dumped it in our proximity instead. Whoever owned these is probably having a very bad day as a result. It's unlikely they'll be able to trace the event back to us, but events are impossible to predict if the Koincidence levels continue rising."

PILTOGG: "Excellent."

Natalya wrote:What's that? I can't hear you over the sound of how banned you are.

MECHANIKAL SPECIALIST VON MCBRAGG: "Mister Piltogg! So kind of you to visit my little workshop. I've designed so many upgrades for your hardsuit, if only you'll ask these mechanized thugs to step aside for a moment."

PILTOGG: "Thank you, McBragg, that won't be necessary."

VON MCBRAGG: "I'll tell you what's not necessary! Using blasted cyber-ninjas to keep me from my work! Do you know how much I could get done if I didn't have to wait for your 'Imperial supervision' every time I wanted to tighten a screw?"

PILTOGG: "I admire your enthusiasm, as always. But the Artifakts are too dangerous a temptation to risk falling into treasonous hands."

VON MCBRAGG: "Aye, temptation indeed! I admit, I have often paused to consider what wonders I could craft with the aid of the Stupendous Featinator, or the skill bonus from the Sword of Inhuman Strength. Imagine the armor I could forge with the Hammer of Discipline. It's hard not to imagine all manner of creations... when you're prevented from doing any actual bloody work!"

PILTOGG: "You'll have all the time with the hardsuit you could ever want. I, too, have been thinking about what these Artifakts could craft, and I won't be needing the suit much longer."

PILTOGG: "Out of all the clones Akkadian science attempted from the Von Bragg line, you alone inherited the genius for invention, McBragg. But you also inherited a powerful disrespect for authority. The two must be connected somehow. Your Loyalty Index is even lower than Ross Varn's."

ROSS VARN: "Wait, what?"

Natalya wrote:What's that? I can't hear you over the sound of how banned you are.

ROSS VARN: "Hey Krus! Do you ever get the feeling Piltogg doesn't trust me for some reason?"

LORD KRUS: "Put it out of your mind. We need to keep our thoughts pure if we're going to prove worthy of finding the Skully Grail."

Lord Krus's words do nothing to ease the tortured Heroic Ego of Ross Mordred Varn. His plans to betray Akkadia at the Battle of Krysto were never revealed, cut short at the last minute when he was killed at the hands of Cpl. Vesuvius and the troops of Blitzen's Grammar Inquisition. The Medix revived him successfully in the Resurrektion Chamber, but he can't shake the feeling that they know somehow!

It doesn't help that Lord Krus has became a superstar tween idol during Ross's recuperation, worshiped by girls and idolized by boys within both the Akkadian Empire and its neighboring civilizations. Meanwhile, Ross's popularity has only plummeted. Octopus-like tentacles of paranoia and emo Crankiness crawl through his dreams at night.

BRIKTHULHU KULTISTS: "Don't worry Ross! We still think you're cool!"

ROSS VARN: "Thanks guys!"

ROSS VARN: "Sometimes I think you BrikThulhuists are the only ones who understand me."

MORGAINE: "Shgvb throl. Goors fn'nnyuld hothahty'j otot!"

ROSS VARN: "What?"

MORGAINE: "You know we'll always be here for you, sweetie!"

Natalya wrote:What's that? I can't hear you over the sound of how banned you are.

VON MCBRAGG: "Have you gone mad? Are you trying to use the Hammer of Discipline to destroy the Stupendous Featinator?"

PILTOGG: "Watch and learn, inventor. I may not have your crafting skills naturally, but with the power of these Artifakts I can accomplish the impossible."

With the Hammer of Discipline in hand, and a block of solid OT as his anvil, Piltogg takes maximum advantage of the Skill bonuses of the Sword of Inhuman Strength and the limitless Heroic Feats of the Stupendous Featinator. Within minutes, he has crafted the Featinator into a beautifully sculpted chestplate. By Koincidence, it's the same shape as Lord Krus's, which seems to be quite popular with Akkadian tweens.

VON MCBRAGG: "Very impressive! But what's your plan now? Are you going to hammer that banner into a new hat?"

Not a hat, but a new Oktopustika Cloak!

The remaining Artifakts combine easily. A few swift blows from the Hammer, and the Original OTC, Head Separator, and Sword of Inhuman Strength are melded into a blade of unimaginable power.

PILTOGG: "I'll no longer be needing the hardsuit, McBragg. Do with it as you will."