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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Aww homecoming...

I always said I wouldn't wish a deployment on even my worse enemy. But lately I had an epifani. I would wish a short deployment even on my best friend.

Let me explain before you start to rip my head apart..

Our first deployment sucked ass. I was young, had just given birth with my mother by my side, not my husband. Hubby comes home for 3 wks then leaves again and I dont see him anymore until 11 months later. Ouch. Here I am trying to learn how to keep a human being alive when before no plant or animal survived, trying to do it under the watchful eyes of my ever so criticizing parents, just a hard situation.I was living at my parents for 8 months while he was gone and it was 8 months too long. Even after moving thousands of miles alone with a 8 months old and setting up housing in our base, I never felt like I accomplished anything. I was on survival mode and also I was worried about my husband all the time. Would I be a widow at 25 with a little boy to take care of alone?? Would my husband still love me?? Will he even care about our son?? He spent 2wks with him when he was a tiny little thing, he will come home (If he makes it. Oh please God) to a walking, babbling high strung toddler.This is a completely different child he is coming home to. What will happen? How are we going to adapt to each other?? Will he reoccurring nightmares, will he jump every time I say boo?? I was like a chihuahua on pcp.

Sometimes your lessons in life are learned in rewind. You don't learn them while life is playing, only when you rewind and pause and really think about each act, each scene.

To where I hadn't thought I learned anything before, I really did. I left my parents house at 19 and moved in with boyfriend who is now my husband. We started living together, working, paying bills and so forth. I never really been alone on my own. While it was extreme circumstances, I would have liked to dip my toes in slowly instead of being thrown into with motherhood to make it more interesting, I lived alone. Yes most nights I was scared and slept with every single light on including the tv, I have made tons of mistakes. Our house had 10 holes for one picture frame, I locked my keys in my car and so forth. But I learned so much about myself. I learned that I really can do this. I can pack up and move when I am not happy, doesn't matter how far away it is or that I have a child to do with it and its a nightmare logistically. I will seek my happiness. I can take care of our house, bill, and everything that comes with it. I am pretty strong. On top of it, I learned to cook, truly cook. Recipes from scratch, not just throw something in the microwave. I also learned I am okay with being alone. Before I use to surround myself with ppl I didn't even care about just for the background noise. Now I have learned its a lot better to be alone than in bad company. I learned life is too short and if you are not interested in sharing good things with me including my happiness, than I would rather be completely alone in silence. That was a huge lesson to me because being alone is my fear. But learning that even when I am alone I am in company of not only God but a wonderful person : MYSELF :) Was one of the most treasured lessons in my life.

I also learned to have extreme respect for single mothers. While the only difference between me and them is that I had a paycheck coming in and knew one day this loneliness would end, it was too close to comfort and made me realize just how strong these woman really are, to leave behind the comforts in pursuit of happiness. Even if it comes with so much sacrifices. It also gave me a huge appreciation for my husband and everything he does/did for us. I was blessed and didn't know.

This deployment on the other hand was an easy one. I was on my own, while extremely close to my parents, at my own place. They drove me nuts I said goodnight and went to my own place. I am older and wiser (with still a lot to learn) but thank God the lessons while still important ones are better received. I truly believe being wise doesn't mean nothing get thrown your way you just handle it better. If before I was a chihuaua on pcp, now I am closer to a zen budha. Yeah right...lol..

No seriously, the reason while I wish a short easy deployment on even my best friends is because you learn so much from it. You grow, you learn to enjoy your company and most of all you learn to appreciate the little quirks of our partner, the ones that once drove you insane?? Yeahh you miss them. And without a deployment there would be no homecoming and everyone needs to experience a homecoming in their life. It sucks the anticipation (hello most impatient person around), the worry, the fear, and so forth, but as soon as you catch a glimpse of them and that first embrace, its above magical. So much worry, anxiety, fear, everything just melts. You remember why you are in their arms, why they are your significant other, and how much you truly love this person. Its such a wonderful experience, how could I not want everyone to experience it??