Not that I've had much time to think, let alone breathe, this December.

For a month that is already filled with the sugar rush of holiday parties, the hilarity of Christmas pageant antics, and the heady success of checking off a gift list, I decided to have a baby two days into the busiest season of the year.

Add lack of sleep and a cranky three year old who is no longer the center of attention in her dad and mom's lives, by Christmas Eve we were ready for a long vacation on a remote island with no wifi access.

Instead Caleb and I packed Hayden and her new brother Lincoln into our tiny Prius and headed four hours south to spend the holiday with my in-laws.

And it's been lovely. I've had family members relieve me of the burden of constantly holding Lincoln or playing with Hayden. I've had time to take a nap, go to a movie, and watch Food Network uninterrupted.

Tonight as I sat in the living room, I took a moment to look around me. I saw a relaxed, smiling Hayden bouncing on my lap, singing at the top of her lungs. I watched my mother-in-law Kathy holding my son Lincoln, who was quietly sleeping in her arms.

As I took in this scene, I felt a raw emotion begin in the pit of my stomach and start to fight its way up to my throat. I tried to stuff it down, to not think about it, to not let it consume me.

I didn't want to cry in the middle of watching Disney Junior.

You see, I miss my girls.

I miss them every day, but especially today. As I watched my two living children, I felt the ache of longing for the two I lost a year ago.

I wanted Amelie and Adaline to be part of this scene. Had they lived and been healthy, they might have just been learning to walk, relatives crowded around trying to capture those first moments of wobbly staggering on their phones.

If they had lived, I might have had to help them open their presents, because one year olds are more fascinated with wrapping paper than the actual gift.

They could have sat in their high chairs at Christmas dinner, eating mashed potatoes and trying the texture of green beans.

They could have watched Hayden blow out the candles on our birthday cake for Jesus and then licked the frosting from their fingers.

I made it upstairs before I started to sob. Months of heartache over the first anniversary of the twins' deaths in September, the exhaustion of the third trimester of pregnancy, the trauma of Lincoln's delivery (his birth was not easy), the traces of postpartum depression, the increasing feelings of bewilderment over my life's direction; all of these emotions came to a head tonight.

Many of us are missing someone this week, whether it's a child, a parent, a friend, or a spouse. The hollowness we feel can be vast, bottomless, cavern-like in its enormity. We might shut ourselves in a room, away from the happy faces, the bright lights, and the general hubbub of the season, and double over in pain, trying to stifle the gut-wrenching sobs that threaten to give us away to the rest of our happy community.

During this week, my thoughts often turn toward Mary the mother of Jesus, and the excitement and terror she must have felt as a teenager giving birth to her first son. I wonder about Mary the older woman, and the sleepless nights she spent after her son's death, resurrection, and final departure to heaven, knowing in her heart she would see him again, but grieving that she could never embrace him in this life.

There are no easy answers. I write this tonight because I know it helps me to sort through the chaos in my thoughts.Whatever you need to do to sort through your own chaos, your own grief over missing a loved one, take a moment to do it.

Oh, Heather, I was just chatting online with someone about suffering. So hard. "There are no easy answers." Randy Alcorn's "If God Is Good" (book) has really ministered to me. Someday Jesus will make all things new. This is our hope.

I am sorry for your pain in the meantime.

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kim fitch

12/27/2013 07:09:38 am

As I struggle being 31 and still not having any children abd recently ending a relationship I look at your sadness while having everything I want. We don't always get our happy endings and I'm so sorry that while you may have two beautiful children your heart is heavy for the ones that you can't nurture and watch grow. Praying is our only outlet that truly brings peace to our aching hearts. I have been reading a book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It has slowly but surely helped me to find ways to pray and different ways of understanding that our way isn't always God's way. We have to believe that his plan is way better!
This one stands out to me..."Your capacity to experience Me is increasing through My removal of debris and clutter from your heart. As your yearning for Me increases, other desires are gradually lessening. It is impossible for you to have a need that I cannot meet. After all, I created you and everything that is." " Things that are visible are brief and fleeting, while things that are invisible are everlasting."

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Jaclyn

12/27/2013 08:22:45 am

Strange as I read this I couldn't help but think of how craby I was the week of dec 9th through the 16th I wanted that week over I wanted nothing to do with Christmas 5 years ago on the 16th I had to have a Dnc I had miscarried twins and while I didn't make it till the end and I have two heathy children who are my world I still yearn for the two I lost and never got to meet plus I had another miscarriage oct 2011

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Sandy Price

12/27/2013 02:16:32 pm

Thank you so much for sharing! Your words were beautifully put. I was just talking to a 14 year old yesterday who is just thrilled that she has no worries. Her mother and I assured her as much as we want her life to be worry free that trials will come and she needs to be thankful for them, cause they help make us who The Lord wants us to be. I always hate what people have to go through, but love what The Lord transforms them to be when they respond correctly. I understand your heart and I love how you are responding and allowing God to use you! Keep sharing!

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Julie

12/27/2013 03:53:39 pm

Heather, Thank you for sharing your heart! It has helped me work through a sorrow for a loss in my own life! I loved Kim's quote from Jesus Calling". As He cleans out the clutter, and we submit to Him, we are able to freely worship and give Him glory - through it all! He is our only answer!

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Jenny

12/27/2013 03:54:26 pm

Heather,
My heart aches for you. We just passed the one year anniversary of my daughter Heather's passing on November 12. She was 25 when she lost her fight with Juvenile Huntington's disease. While each mother's pain is different, it has a similar thread in that we can no longer hold our child close and must wait for that day when we will be reunited in Heaven. I did receive an amazing blessing however. I was asked to share my journey with a class at my university in a class on death and dying. A young man spoke up and asked what year my daughter graduated from high school. It turns out he had known her and while he had not known her disability, he thought of her as very sweet and kind and it brought instant tears to the entire class. I knew in that moment my daughter was still with me. God bless you as you continue on this lifelong journey. Our angels in Heaven are waiting for us, watching over us and I know they hear and answer our prayers.

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Bonnie

12/27/2013 05:21:51 pm

Heather, you write so beautifully. All those people who tell you to just get through that first year and everything will be fine , have never experienced such a loss! God has worked marvelously in my life and I am so thankful. But that does not take away the ache, the hole, the missing person from your life. As I watched our three sons and their families interact and enjoy each other's company, I was overwhelmed with grief that their father is not here so that we could enjoy it together. After God, our family was his life. But God has a purpose and a plan, and He is there to go through the grief with you, and He is good.

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Jennifer Shay

12/28/2013 07:01:06 am

Heather- Merry Christmas Momma. Congratulations on the birth of baby Lincoln. Postpartum is a ridiculously difficult time especially after having had such a heart wrenching loss that you and your family went through with the loss of your beautiful twin girls. Try your best to be nice to YOURSELF. I often find that that is harder than being nice to others most of the time. I understand you envisioning Christmas with your 3 girls this year and I am so sorry it isn't to be, physically anyway. I often think back to my miscarriage and wonder what my baby would be like now, what my life would be like. In reality though, I have come to realize that my triplets would not be here had I not suffered a miscarriage and secondary fertility issues. I can't imagine my life without my older son and these crazy three four year olds, but I often wonder and pray for daily, my "Baby Shay." Much love to you.