Should Parents Give More Money to Children Who Struggle?

When I was growing up my parents paid close attention to how much they spent on each of their children. Every Christmas, birthday, and holiday, my mom was careful to spend not a penny more on one of us.

That all changed this past year. My dad has begun to help one child a lot more than others. It seems like he favors one child over another and I don’t agree with it.

Is it okay for parents to play financial favorites?

Helping with rent

In my family, tension arose when my sister moved out with her boyfriend. While my dad has (graciously) allowed me and my sister to live at home for free, he made the decision to refuse to help my sister with rent, furniture, or any other moving costs. This was controversial because he currently pays my older step-sister’s rent.

It is not uncommon for parents to help one struggling child but not another. The problem is that “struggling” is subjective. One sibling may feel he is struggling, but in the eyes of his parent, be fine when compared to a sibling.

My dad chose to help my step-sister because she is a single mother who is struggling to keep her head above water. While my sister is going to school for her MBA, she has no income but lives with her boyfriend, who is working. While the situations are drastically different, they are both struggling on tiny budgets. So who deserves help more?

Helping one child can leave others angry

This is what has happened in my family situation, which is why I don’t agree with helping one child over another. Both children have made choices that led them to their current situation and should be held responsible for their actions. While being a single mother is hard, so is paying back huge loans or working while going to grad school. Determining who’s struggling most leads to dangerous territory.

The main problem I have with my family’s situation is that there is no time limit for helping with rent. My father has been paying my step-sister’s rent for the past two years while my sister and I have lived at home. My father also pays for her son’s private school, daycare costs, and he babysits for free. My step-sister has made no effort to take control of her own life. In my opinion, he is enabling her bad behavior.

While my dad expects my sister to work full-time during grad school, he does not hesitate to help my stepsister, even though she spends money frivolously. Now all my siblings – and me – resent my stepsister. I’m having a hard time maintaining good relationships with my stepsister and dad because I feel slighted and I disagree with their decisions.

My dad has talked to us about his decisions and explained that he wants us to learn to have a good work ethic and earn things on our own. He also explained that he is helping my stepsister to make sure her son is well cared for. This helped us understand his thinking and come to terms with his decisions, even if we don’t agree with them. I know my dad has the right to spend and giveaway his money as he wishes, but it’s causing relationship problems. In my opinion, you should help all or none. What do you think?

Help with student loans – or not

Another common situation is that parents are helping one child pay off college loans and not another. My boyfriend went to college for engineering and now has $150,000 in college debt! While he has been paying over $2,000 a month towards his loans, he has received no help from his parents. He has a great job so they feel that he does not need help. But, he recently discovered his parents have been paying his sister’s loans because she is working at a low paying job. Is this fair?

Uneven financial help can weaken sibling bonds

If selective financial help seems like an obvious choice, remember it can backfire. “In families of siblings who recorded the highest levels of disparity in parental affection, the favored sibling reported receiving twice as much financial support as those who felt unfavored — an average of $229 versus $114 per year,” a study at Florida State University found.

Comments

I can honestly relate to this post. I’ve been considered “the good daughter” and worked hard to get through undergrad and graduate school with very little financial help with my parents. My sister was not the studious type so she got a later start in life and finished her degree 2 years ago. She still lives with my parents, unemployed but yet manages to buy all the latest tech gadgets you can imagine. I’ve always been annoyed at this but in my parents’ eyes, especially my mom, they think that my sister needs help the most. They are just enabling her bad behavior. Oh and the kicker is that my sister still complains that she has to drive my mom around everywhere and complains about not having food in the house, etc.

@Lissa I can see how frustrating this must be for you. Parents often get into enabling relationships with one of their children, but not others. I won’t go into my pop-psychology take on that one! 🙂

You sound like you have a good perspective on the whole situation. Yes, your sister gets extra support and handouts, but would you want to be in her place? Driving your parents around, living at home, not having control over what’s in your fridge? I’m guessing the answer is HECK NO!

You work hard for your money and your lifestyle, but you are independent. I think you’re getting the better end of the deal!

Your sister could have continued to live at home with no rent but she chose to move out knowing that your father was not going to contribute to the rent for her employed boyfriend’s apartment. She can chose to work full or part-time while in graduate school, lots of people do it. Your father helps out his older daughter from a previous relationship who is a single mother by helping her with rent so she can live in a safe neighborhood and paying for his grandson’s school tuition and aftercare. You acknowledge that she is not responsible and that the child would not be in a good place without your father’s help but you have your nose out of joint because “it’s not fair.” Would you be happier if he took money away from your step sister resulting in your nephew growing up in a dangerous place or going to failing schools limiting his ability to succeed in this world or as happened in my extended family being taken away by child protective services because his grandparents stood by to teach an addicted child a lesson? Life is not fair and being a parent means making hard choices. Sometimes you have one child who needs more resources than others whether due to a physical or mental disability, addiction, or just bad luck. Your father’s hard choices do not mean that he loves one of you more than the others. They mean that he feels responsible to make sure that his grandson has a shot at growing up to be able to take care of himself. If every family made those hard choices the same way making sure that they took care of family members who need it this world would be a much better place.

@Jennnifer I can appreciate the sympathy you have for those that need a bit more help. And I agree – to a certain extent. Dacia may be better off being happy that she doesn’t NEED the financial support. Nor does her sister truly depend on it. The upside of having to skimp and go without is that you develop a true appreciate for the things and comfort money can buy. A few years of hardship will do her good in the long run – and perhaps motivate her to pursue a fitting career.

Just as important as the actual dollars in these scenarios is the emotional impact. How you feel about one sibling or another does color your views. It’s human nature. As an outsider who doesn’t know your family dynamics, I can definitely see helping a single mom (be it a sister or a stepsister) with a small child at the expense of a sibling who has a supportive partner. Money is emotional any way you look at it. It’s hard to look at the facts unfiltered.

@Marie Hickman Well said! If possible, parents should keep financial gifts or support on the down low. Don’t lie about it, but don’t bring it up either. Siblings can do the same. Those simple steps would do a lot to remove the emotional impact of uneven giving/lending in families.

Leaving money on the down low could be the worst scenario if all. As in my family of 4 siblings. In which my mother secretly gave $25,000 to the baby of the family. Well the SECRET is out and just the fact that it was KEPT a SECRET placed a tremendous strain on our once close knit Sibling relationship

My husband and I both deal with this in our families. There is clear favoritism in terms of financial help, as well as emotional support. My husband’s sister takes advantage of his parents using the excuse that she’s a single mother. She made the choice to have 4 children. We love her kids but we don’t feel that we should shoulder the burden of her choices. Unfortunately, our kids are overlooked much of the time because his sister needs so much attention, and his parents can only help so much.

I’m in the same situation. All my life I’ve lived responsibly. My sister chose to get pregnant by three different men and my mom enabled her basically both financially and with her time and attention toward raising her kids. I got married to a wonderful man and we have two great kids. One is disabled and we got absolutely no help from my mom or his. His mom gave her time to her daughters four children she was at my sister in laws house five days a week caring for my husbands kids. I have no idea what it felt like when my kids were young to have had any help at all such as when you get those dreaded calls at work to come to school or day care as I listened to my friends and coworkers say how relieved they were as their moms helped out in a pinch. I never experienced that. My kind didn’t even go there. For us it was whatever teenage babysitter we could find who filled in the gaps. Then there was the matter my kids did not get the confidence or self esteem boost grandkids who have grandparents in their life give them. It really hurts. I think grandparents should treat all grandkids equally. Not just say they do but actually do it. Before going overboard with love or financial assistance for one they should consider the pain and damage they cause to the others.

I can relate to this. My parents have been and enabling my irresponsible brother and sister. My mom once had the nerve to tell me that my sister needed more help because o was “the strong one”. So my sister gets to dump her kids with her 24/7 and smooch off my parents financially, while I have to pay others to pick up my kids from school and nevertheless handouts.

My mom has not able to make financial decisions for about 15 yrs now and her husband biological father to all her 3 children has picked a financial favorite. ..the oldest child -who feels we all owe her a living due to her bad decision making for her whole marriage of 31 yrs & her fathers financial support since even befoòre she was married. The oldest child is in the habit of not paying for anything due to the financial support she receives regular secret payments I just recently found out about ….five thousand was one of the paymentz they received…..my thought is if u have that for one child all children should receive the same amount equality promotes healthy relationships. ..that said no one in our family talks

It’s conforting to know I am not alone in this… even though it feels extremely unfair…
In my case, I am the oldest daughter and my two brothers are 9 years younger, I’ve always worked hard and tried to be a good example for my brothers. things were always difficult and my parents never made it easy for me… I had to take public transport to go to college and to work on a daily basis, leaving home at 6am and not coming back till nearly midnight after evening classes. I’ve always had to fend for myself and ended up paying my own tuitions the last 2 years of college when I got a better job, because my father would always complain about money. He always made me feel guilty if I asked for anything. On the other side, my both adult and unemployed brothers dropped out of school, seem to constantly get involved with the wrong crowds and have little respect for my parents. They always demanded things as if it’s my parents ‘ problem they decided to have kids. It’s been 3 years since my parents decided to support them with an apartment each + a car each. He pays for their bills, gas, food, clothes, internet and everything you could possibly imagine when all they do is hang around and smoke pot all day. With a lot of improvement, they’re back to high school in their mid 20’s, but having no responsibility for anything at all.
After 8 years trying to save every penny I still haven’t been able to buy my own place. It feels like they are trying to punish me for something I didn’t do… when I confronted them and explained how that made me feel, how I think they are overly praising ill behavior and making things worse, I was shocked with the lack of empathy, they claimed I’m not always here…(my work makes me travel often, I reckon as an escape)). When I come back home after a long contract, I stay at my parents since I don’t have my own place yet.. but the place I’ve once considered home is where I feel mostly uncomfortable, having to deal with this frustration on a daily basis has become more complicated than I thought. I can barely recognize my parents and the values they once taught me. I’ve never resented anything as a child, but it’s really hard to experience favoritism in adulthood…I lost my ground, often feel depressed when my brothers are around and feel lots of anger towards my parents. I’m trying to find a way to forgive them in my own heart, but it’s hard…

Lucy, that sounds very frustrating. As hurtful as it is right now, I think when you’re older you will look back and feel incredibly proud of what you were able to accomplish on your own. You are developing skills that will serve you for the rest of your life. Good luck getting your own place as soon as you can manage it!

My younger brother got an apartment paid for him and still gets his groceries and clothes, cellphone and car paid for him even though he works full time and already has 200k+ in bank! (He has 0 social life so he does not spend anything) Also he treats my parents like garbage and insults them and they don’t say anything.

While I get nothing. The other day I needed 6$ to take the bus I asked for that and they said ok but you have to pay it back!!!

What!! I NEVER ask for anything and he gets THOUSANDS of dollars for no reason and you CANNOT GIVE ME 6$!!!

He works in trucks and they pay for tolls on the road, they make his lunch, treat him like a baby he is A GROWN MAN.

I have worked hard my whole life and I get nothing. I have always been super respectful of my parents and I get nothing. It is super unfair and there’s nothing I can do

Once I tried to explain to them it was unfair and they are enabling his shitty, lazy ass behaviour by doing everything for him and paying for all his stuff, well they got MAD AT ME!!!

There’s nothing I can say or do, it’s unfair and they will never see that.