Friday, February 08, 2008

We retro-schooling it up in here with those neo-dinks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’m sorry, what did that study say?It is a scientific fact that men lose brain cells three times faster than women; not only that, but scientists claim that men lose their brain cells three times faster than women.

Of course we burn up three times as many brain cells, you try and come up with an honest sounding answer to the question “Will you respect me in the morning?” when you’re drunk.

Hot potAnother medical report reveals that marijuana is twenty five times more potent than it was in the sixties. This also explains why, in the sixties, we didn’t have battered and deep fried Snickers.

Do you think pot is twenty five times stronger than it used to be? Willy Nelson never forgot to pay taxes in the Sixties.

I resemble that remarkIf you ask me, all of the candidates remind me of someone else:

Is it just me or does Mitt Romney look like the smiling guy using the leaf blower in the Sears Catalog?

Is it just me or does Hillary Clinton look like the high school girls softball coach who has been promoted to assistant principal due to her glee for administering discipline?

Is it just me or does John McCain look like the Southwest pilot on the flight from San Diego to Las Vegas who won’t shut up over the intercom about the Grand Canyon?

Is it just me or does Barack Obama look like the guy playing piano in the Viva Viagra commercial?

Is it just me or does Mike Huckabee look like the guy on the late night ads pitching how to invest in real estate with no money down?

Is it just me or does Dennis Kucinich -with his hot tall wife - look like the geek loser in high school who got rich in software showing her off at the twenty-year reunion?

Thursday, February 07, 2008

We up and gonna do the big dog roll up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

NastySince the race is so close, political pundits are worried the surly-but-for-now-nice Clintons could get ugly fast. In fact, Hillary could get uglier than the time she found a phone number on a Hooters cocktail napkin stuffed inside Bill’s pants.

Bill Clinton could turn nastier than the time he found out the strip club’s $100 champagne bottle in the VIP room didn’t include a lap dance.

Setting a political precidentHow about that Super Tuesday primary of Mike Huckabee? Political experts claim this could be the greatest comeback ever by a guy named Huckabee.

Eli’s coming of ageIs it just me or does Eli Manning look like one of those guys at your door claiming to be running for student council by selling magazine subscriptions?

Eli Manning is still celebrating his Super Bowl win. It was a little awkward last night when Eli emerged from a fancy Manhattan steak house and a guy pulled up in his Hummer, handed the keys to Eli and said;

“Here’s a twenty, boy, when you park it I don’t want a scratch on her.”

Is it just me or does Eli Manning look like the kid who carries your golf clubs to the golf carts?

Is it just me or does Eli Manning look like the waiter you had at Outback Steakhouse?

Uh, no sir, that’s not, oh forget itThe White House defended the use of water boarding. It was a little awkward when President Bush went on to add; “What’s wrong with a little water boarding? Those Dudes out in California love it, only they call it: surfing. Cowabunga”

Rat timeThey’re still going crazy in New York City following the Giants Super Bowl win. Yeah, at the downtown Taco Bell the rats were doing a Margarita-induced conga dance.

They’re still going crazy in New York City following the Giants Super Bowl win. In Central park I saw a squirrel pouring melted nacho cheese over his nuts.

Marion Jones sobbing press conference confessional after years of lying about steroids, take twoNot to say I told you so, but didn’t I say Clemens would eventually pull a Marion Jones? Roger Clemens trainer, Brian McNamee, told a congressional panel that he saved syringes and gauze pads with Clemens blood and DNA just in case he had to testify in his defense on Clemens steroid use. If that is true – and why would anyone lie about doing something that incredibly creepy?-there is ironclad proof Clemens lied under oath before congress when he denied steroid use. This is not good news for Clemens. It isn’t good news for anyone except some prison baseball team that needs a fourth pitcher in their starting rotation.

Since you asked:It is official. I have another pet peeve. What is the deal with older folks in their late sixties deciding to go for a power walk in nearly the middle of the street? Not on the sidewalk, not in the street right next to the sidewalk, but a good six feet to ten feet out in the street. And when you do pass them, no matter how much room you give them in your car, they cut you a dirty look for coming far too close.

Over-entitlement in Carmel Valley, take 61,678Today at a four way stop sign, I come to a stop. The black Mercedes that has just pulled up to the stop sign on my right slows down sees me and forces to a stop he probably wasn’t going to make if I wasn’t there. Once I see that he is indeed going to stop, I take off. But right when I do, the douchebag in black Mercedes has the onions to give me the “Hurry up and go” wave, like he is doing me a favor by letting me take my rightful turn.

Over-entitlement in Carmel Valley, take 61,679At the local avocado/dirt-eating organic grocery store, Jimbos, I saunter in as a women pulls up in front in her big white van and parks in the fire lane. As I head into the front door, she yells at me;

“Hey, go get the employee named Stacey and have her come out here.”

As she was an older woman of about 65, I ignored her rudeness – no please, no thank you – and walked in and asked the closest cashier for Stacey. I was informed Stacey was not working right then. I went back outside and told this inconsiderate witch this information and she started to bark out more instructions from her car at the curb;

“Well then go back and ask the manager I called, named Dan, and have him . . .”

Amazed as I was indignant I perused this woman’s car for a handicap placard or a handicapped license plate. Upon seeing neither, I smiled, waited for the woman to finish barking her instructions at me and said;

“Sure thing lady, you just sit tight and wait.”

At that time I walked in and leisurely did all of my shopping. Just as I was getting my items bagged, I look up to see the woman storming into the market, with the most pissed off look on her big, fat, ugly face. She spots me and gives me the “F-you” stink eye.

Was it wrong that I started laughing out loud?

This just in:

Mitt Romney has suspended his campaign. For now Mitt is going to go back to doing what Mitt looks like he should be doing:

Giving overly-touchy tennis swing tips to rapidly-aging, but still hot, trophy wives at the country club courts.

Graciously handing out the Salesman-of-the-month trophy at the Cadillac dealership

Briskly walking his two well-groomed Golden Retrievers, Timber and Hunter, with his sweater tied nattily around his neck and a pipe clenched jauntily in his teeth.

At the front door, single-malt-scotch-on-the-rocks-in-a-crystal-tumbler in hand at sunset and waving goodbye to his hot, trampy daughter, Amber, as she scurries into her date named Ryan's convertible Jaguar while yelling out; “Have fun, Princess. Don’t be too late.”

Going to the hardware store to pick up a new bottle of brass cleaner for the fireplace screen and stopping to josh Sanderson about his golf game by saying; “Your problem, Sandy ol' boy, is you stand to close to the ball (wait for it) after you hit it.” And then both of them enjoy a hearty laugh. Sandy walks away, smiling and shaking his head muttering; "That Mittster, what a card."

Going to the grocery store to pick up fresh avocados and tomatoes for his; “Killer Gauc Dip ” for the big game.

Just to give you some idea how white Mitt Romney is, he considers his John Legend CD a rap album.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

This just in:Hannah Montana is number one at the box office. In a pathetic attempt to cash in on this trend, sadly, NBC’s knock-off Hannah Montana teen idol did not do nearly as well: Heidi "The Ho" from Idaho.

Ceci aussi juste dansAmerican diplomats were evacuated from the capital of Chad by French soldiers. The Americans were in good hands because, if there is anyone who knows how to retreat, it’s French soldiers.

And:

Although Hillary Clinton had more votes, Barack Obama won more convention delegates. It was a little embarrassing, when asked to explain how a presidential candidate can get less votes but more delegates, President Bush blinked and replied;

We all like that, it how we do what we do in this here blogizizzyohlizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Is it just me?New York Giant QB Eli Manning had a great game during the Super Bowl, but is it just me or does Eli Manning look like the guy at the grocery store who was just promoted from bagger to cashier?

Is it just me or does Eli Manning look like he could working the floor at Circuit City?

Is it just me or does Eli Manning look like the shift manager at Blockbuster Video?

I don’t want to say Eli Manning looks really young but his car has a sign on top saying “Student Driver.”

BooooringThis is a tough time in sports, the Super Bowl is over, the NCAA hoops tournament and the Masters golf tournament is weeks away, it’s too early in the NBA season. This is the sporting equivalent of a romantic getaway for Star Jones and Al Reynolds.

El Catchy nombreThe USA plays Mexico tonight in Soccer. In a related story, Hillary Clinton won the California primary largely due to a big turnout in the Hispanic community; Hillary is very big in the Hispanic community which refers to her as El Suit De La Pantaloons.

What a guyRoger Clemens told a congressional committee that he did not use steroids. Some cynics said Clemens denied using steroids so much that he lied enough to become an honorary congressman.

NiceShaquille O’Neal has been traded to the Phoenix Suns. Now when Shaq gets to the free throw line he will still be cold but it will be a dry cold.

No problemA San Ysidro soccer coach will not be charged for being in a fight after a high school soccer game; soccer fights aren’t too bad because nobody can use their hands.

Since you asked:Not sure how many fellow “Late Show with David Letterman” aficionados we have up this here blogizzyohlizzy, but Lyle the Intern is now officially the coolest guy in the world.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Went out and got my vote on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Start spreading the newsHere it is Tuesday after the Super Bowl and New York is still celebrating; in Times Square the hookers are offering a New York Giant special: for an extra $50 they will Plaxico your Burress.

For an extra $100, they will even Eli your Manning.

And for another $25 they will give you a Strahan.

Here is Tuesday after the Super Bowl and New York is still celebrating the Giants win. It is so wild in New York, two rats took a hayride on top of Donald Trump’s hair.

Big doingsBecause of the Super Bowl, Sunday was Super Sunday and, because of the primary, today is Super Tuesday. And on Wednesday at the Olive Garden it is Soup or Salad.

Tossing it inFiery former Indiana coach Bobby Knight resigned from Texas Tech. He threw in the towel which happened to be attached to a chair.

EwwA German airline is offering naked flights. All nude flights. Their slogan is “We love to fly and it shows on the seats.”

Their slogan is “Wanna Get Away? From Your Pants?”

After United announced they are charging for a second bag many airlines will probably do the same. This is really bad news for those guys on the German all-naked flights.

AmazingThe Super Bowl was watched by over 90 million people, the second biggest TV ratings since the last episode of “M.A.S.H.” But the Super Bowl was actually watched by some people who weren’t white.

YouchA German airline is offering naked flights. All nude flights. Guys, can you imagine hanging out in your seat? This would be one flight where you’re relieved the beverage cart hit your knee.

Since you asked:Nobody stands ahead of me in my admiration of the David Letterman, but I was so disappointed at how he sucked up to that vapid world class tool, Paris Hilton.

Many months ago, Dave had Paris on right after she got out of jail and, like everyone else in the entire world, Dave wanted to know about her prison stay. Paris didn’t want to talk about her prison stay, she actually thought people wanted to hear about what cheesy project she was whoring out.

But Dave pressed on and Paris started pouting to the point where she was about to cry and finally she whined; “I don’t want to talk about jail anymore.” And, bless his quintuple bypass heart, Dave said;

“Well, now that’s the difference between you and me because that’s all I want to talk about.”

Well, apparently Paris left with a big ol’ massive poopy diaper and she swore she would never, ever go on Dave’s show again. Good. Great. Mission accomplished. Now we just need to do the same on Jay, Conan, Craig and Jimmy and Jon.

But no, Dave has her people call his people and he calls Paris and gets on bended knee. It was a suck up fest like no other. Why do we, as a society, and Dave in particular, feel the need to keep throwing gasoline on this Paris Hilton fire? She is not an actress, she is not a model, she is not a singer, she is not, by the largest margin of all, vaguely interesting.

And, although the whole package can look glamorous dressed up and Vogue’ing on the red carpet, Paris isn’t that attractive. She has fried out bleached hair, a droopy eye, an Owen Wilson Penis Nose Starter Set, a clownish round chin, she has no breasts, she is skinnier than a push broom and she has man hands and feet.

Oh, and did I fail to mention Paris happens to be dumber than a drunken pack mule?

Re: Voting

Not voting is never going to be an option for me since the morning I literally supported my brave but frail mother, Ann Rodgers Kaseberg, to get out and vote at a church on a rainy, cold and dreary spring Chicago day. That day would turn out to be less than a week before she passed away of breast cancer.

Monday, February 04, 2008

This just in:Tony Sparano is the new coach of the Miami Dolphins. There was an awkward moment when President Bush found out the new coach of the Fins was named Tony Sparano and Bush said; “But I thought he got shot in that diner?”

What impressed me about this Super Bowl was that, except for die-hard New England fans, everyone was pretty happy. And with three recent rings, it is hard to feel too bad for the die-hard P-Riots fans.

A lot of my fellow San Diegans tried to turn themselves into Eli player-haters because he snubbed us so rudely and snotty during the draft. But the Chargers got Rivers and Merriman and Keading out of it, so I don’t harbor any ill will towards Jimmy Christ.

And it isn’t like the Patriots played a bad game because they didn’t. The Giants’ D just didn’t let them score and Eli came through like a stud in the clutch. But I think the best part about the game, as I am not a big Belichick admirer, (yes, I know he is a great coach, but I think he is a major douche-bag in the class department) and Belichick simply got out-coached. (Have you ever seen Belichick try to smile? He looks like he is undergoing a thorough prostate exam)

And I am happy for New York. As sports towns go, especially for a big city, they truly live and die with the success of their teams. Let me tell you from experience, living in New York got a whole lot more fun last night. It is a fun town to be in when the Giants win, especially a Super Bowl.

Just to give you an indication the weight the Super Bowl has and how bad it is to lose the Super Bowl: an 18 and 1 season is now and forever going to be considered a total waste and disappointment by both the New England fans and the media in general as well as history. That is pretty rough, but that is the way it is.

The San Diego Chargers had a good season. Most of the big time fans I know are happy if not a little worried about the diva attitude of LaDanian Tomlinson. If the Chargers had beaten New England and lost to the Giants it would have been remembered as rough season as it was for me and my Bears last year.

My problem with the New England Patriots is that nobody on the planet grew up in New England because there is no such place. You could have been born and raised in Foxboro, where the stadium is, and you still can’t say you come from New England. Nobody comes from New England. It’s a vague territorial nickname like the Bible Belt or the Midwest. Why not change their name back to the original Boston Patriots? (Then we could call them the Bo P-Riots) The Giants and the Jets both play in New Jersey but they aren’t called the Tri-State Giants or the Big Apple Jets.

Come on P-Riots fans, you got nothing better to do until September, get to work on changing the name back.

We had to get our grits on this morning at breakfast, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

ShockerIn the greatest Super Bowl upset since the New York Jets defeated the Baltimore Colts in 1969, the New York Giants and the New England Patriots out-performed the commercials four to one.

Who knew?The odds of the New York Giants winning the Super Bowl were 20-1 at the beginning of the season. The odds of the Giants winning the Super Bowl and their aged coach, Tom Coughlin, surviving the icy Gatorade bath? 100-1.

Not goodI don’t want to say the Super Bowl commercials sucked, but halfway through the game I was starting to miss the Aflec duck and the Geico lizard. Thank goodness Fox kept cutting to Peyton Manning in his luxury box or I would have gone into NFL commercial withdrawals.

Disney plan to take over the worldThe “Hannah Montana” movie with, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus, destroyed the competition at the box office earning $29 million. It’s all part of Disney’s new “If-you-have-a-daughter-between-ages-7-and-11- give-us-all-your-money-because-we-will-get-it-eventually” marketing plan.

That should be enough money to pay for the bypass operation to fix Miley’s dad, Billy Ray Cirus’s achey breaky heart.

Tom Petty and the Hipbreakers, we kid and love the TPATHTom Petty and the Heartbreakers rocked the Super Bowl halftime. It was the greatest performance by an old guy since 2004, when a 77-year-old Hugh Hefner had 18-year-old blonde, Kendra Wilkinson, move into the Playboy Mansion.

Yikes“The Eye” opened theaters Friday. A woman, played by Jessica Alba, is given sight by a cornea transplant discovers she can see what her cornea donor saw. It’s a terrifying horror movie because her cornea donor was an Oakland Raider fan.

AmourFrance’s President Nicolas Sarkozy married singer/model Carla Bruni who dated Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Donald Trump and Kevin Costner among many others. Not to imply that Carla has been around, but marrying her is like buying a used car from Budget Rent-A-Car.

France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy married singer/model Carla Bruni It was a cute wedding, the diminutive Sarkozy served as both the groom and as his own ring boy.

France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy married singer/model Carla Bruni. It was sweet, the bride had something old, something new, something borrowed and something bleau.

That would be awful, I guess . . .Wouldn’t you simply hate to be Tom Brady this morning? Imagine waking up next to a super model while owning three previous Super Bowl rings and still being young, handsome, rich, fit, talented, wealthy and famous? And why am I now suddenly so damned depressed?