In the Marvel Universe, there exists a giant, bald alien character named The Watcher whose sworn duty is to observe and record the actions of extraordinary beings as they stride across the Earth, forever changing all those around them.

Marvel.com

I’m a tall and nearly bald human being who has taken it upon himself to observe and record the actions of less than ordinary beings as they stumble across my path, forever changing all those around them – but mostly in a negative way!

So let’s discuss some of the expectations people carry with them when they arrive at my humble base of operations.

FAMILIES: Parents just want their larvae to be occupied and out of their hair for a short time. The rugrats want to consume vast amounts of sugar and soft drinks and wreak havoc. Grandparents just want to make it through the trip without dropping dead.

A GROUP OF GUYS: Just want to get drunk and find some dumb, drunk chicks to fool around with. The trip usually ends in abject failure and strange acts in the room that are never spoken of again.

A GROUP OF GIRLS: The same thing, but it’s not as disgusting when something happens in the room. Oh, and there are cupcakes!

THE CORPORATE DOUCHEBAG: The goal is to get through the boring conference during the day, and maybe get in some golf before dark. Then at night, the goal is to bang Marcy from accounting and hope no one at the office hears about it and repeats it to your spouse.

As for COUPLES, here’s where it gets interesting…

THE HORRIBLY MISMATCHED COUPLE: She’s young and hot, he’s old, balding and carrying a spare tire. He’s constantly worried his spouse will never find out just what he’s up to during his “alone time”. If there’s no spouse involved, he’s worried he forgot his Viagra. She’s just worried she forgot her drugs, otherwise she’ll never get through a night of rough, drunken, ugly sex with this anteater.

THE GOLDEN OLDIES: They’re both worried his Viagra will be the death of them both!

THE SUBURBAN COUPLE: He’s worried she’ll still refuse to do that thing she refuses to do at home. She’s worried he’ll ask.

THE GAY COUPLE: Interestingly enough, they’re the most well-adjusted and least likely to fight during check-in. Good for them!

THE YOUNG HOT COUPLE: If it’s their first time together, he’s putting on his game face and practicing the following lines, “I swear this never happens to me – usually. I’m just nervous. Next time will be so much better, baby!” She’s rehearsing, “It really is the biggest I’ve ever seen.” and the ever-popular, “That’s all right, I understand.”

Then there are bus tours and other groups to consider…

JAPANESE TOURISTS: Want to take as many shots as they can – of EVERYTHING – before the camera melts down! Seriously, they photograph elevator panels, empty bell carts, deserted lobbies, whatever! The goal is to map out every square inch of space and everything occupying it!

YOUNG HOCKEY TEAMS: Want to run wild and destroy everything! It’s okay though, their parents will pay for it!

OLD HOCKEY TEAMS: Want to bang everything in sight while drinking until liver failure is achieved!

COPS: Who are usually here for hockey tournaments or some other unofficial function, want to run wild as well. But look out, they feel they answer to NO ONE! Unfortunately, they’re usually right!

WEDDINGS: Are a total crap-shoot; you never know exact;y what’s going to go wrong, just that something will! It’s inevitable; young brides expect too much from hotels, and the universe in general. Your marriage won’t be perfect, so why should the wedding? The challenge is accepting the unexpected and facing it as a couple united.

But enough “Bellman Wisdom”! Let’s wrap this up with my personal favorites, dance and cheerleader competitions featuring young girls!

DANCERS: Are usually wound tighter than their inappropriate outfits! The blame sits squarely on the shoulders of their parents who wind the kids up and send them out to fulfill the dreams they could never achieve. I’ve seen Moms and Dads who inflict more psychological damage than modern science can medicate away! At least the years of training will come in handy later on in life when Missy is dancing at “Girls, Girls , Girls!”

CHEERLEADERS: The outfits alone cause problems; you can’t parade young girls around a hotel lobby filled with middle-aged, sexually frustrated husbands and young jerkoffs and not expect complete pandemonium to result! I’ve seen it too often. Parents: a simple long coat will do wonders to keep your daughter under wraps until she’s ready to shake her pom-poms! Otherwise, you run the risk of your daughter attracting unwanted attention that may result in her disqualification from next year’s competition – due to pregnancy!

By the way, it should be noted my personal favorites have been selected due to the chaos they inspire, not the young ladies who take part. I may be many things, but I have standards – and a vampire-loving wife who can kick my ass!

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About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire.
I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.

66 Responses to Great Expectations….

Hey Hook! Loved the post! I especially loved “JAPANESE TOURISTS: Want to take as many shots as they can – of EVERYTHING – before the camera melts down! Seriously, they photograph elevator panels, empty bell carts, deserted lobbies, whatever! The goal is to map out every square inch of space and everything occupying it!” So, so true.

The concept of covering up young girls dressed in short skirts does seem to miss quite a few parents too.

This is great! I would love to know what entertains you the most, the people watching or the conversations. I am sure they are priceless.
I love this:
“I’m a tall and nearly bald human being who has taken it upon himself to observe and record the actions of less than ordinary beings as they stumble across my path, forever changing all those around them – but mostly in a negative way!”

I love the intro to this post. And as usual, your observations are funny. I don’t know if I could do your job, but I bet it would be entertaining to hang out with you for a day to see for myself what you have to put up with.

Love your observations. I’ve saved this post as well to share with the man in my life – he drove a tour bus for three years and I think will be nodding along with everything you’ve said here until his head starts falling off…

A few years ago I took a course called Couple Counselling. Statistics show that gay couples are, on average, more content than heterosexual couples. When broken down into couples and singles, the most unhappy people are married women, the happiest married men.

Great post. I love to people watch and think that would be the best part of your job, but I feel for you when you actually have to deal with some of the idiots out there. You must have a load of patience.

Hey, as you very well know, we’ll go on Euro tour next summer. I don’t know how to behave, and I’m worried someone will be taking down notes when we;’re there, while we make a fool of ourselves, lol. … a bunch from Hicksville.

Ahhh, what a nice post to read on Thanksgiving! Love the Japanese Tourists. A few years ago I ran into a group of them while I was playing Putt-Putt. They weren’t actually Putt-Putting, they just came to the course to take pictures of the fiberglass animals. We helped them take some pictures, and they took some pictures of us posing with a tiny zebra. I think everyone had a lot of fun that day…I like to imagine my picture is lovingly on display somwhere in a Japanese family’s photo album…

Your Japanese Tourists reminds me SO MUCH when my father came from Melbourne (east Australia) to visit me in Perth (West Australia) and he came with his Filipino bride and I drove them to places, and every place we stopped they took some photos and were ready to go. It was the most bizarre time, to me. They didn’t pause, they didn’t breathe, they took photos and said “on to the next place”.

I was laughing my head off here…great blog of interest and observation of people. We in the service professions of others see so much. I the Nurse could tell so many stories. You got the gift though and I appreciate the laughter and sarcasm LOL.

I think that the ingredients for a long and happy-go-lucky-horny-wicked-night-of-kinky-sex is to take one peep from each grouping and stick them ALL in the Penthouse Suite, then take a few minutes to explain where the Jap fits into the mix, throw in a few extra Viagra tabs, a nice selection of whips, handcuffs, gags, studded straps, edible lingerie, a team of howlers (Just in case nothing happens after midnight) and the hot-line to Batman’s cave, well that boring so-and-so Robin might like a bit of you know what? Well if he can get rid of that Batman for a few minutes of wickedness he will? All you guys have to do then is enjoy your evening and hope that the old fart with the bald head and limp noodle doesn’t pop off in the night, well it can happen you know? :( lol

Another great offering Hook and thank you for your wickedly told stories :)

I cannot say this enough. I hate wedding groups. Even when the wedding isn’t on site and I don’t have to worry about the bride and groom, it automatically raises the quotient of drunk assholes on property. They don’t want to listen to a word you say because they’re celebrating!

I’ve worked the front desk at two different hotels (still at the one for a week or two more) and boy oh boy, can I relate! Especially to the wedding groups. One evening they all came back drunk and I was definitely happy that my shift was ending soon! You’ve got a really funny, great blog!