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<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers <strong>next Tuesday</strong> at noon. </em><a href="http://slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_aug_4_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I have been in a good marriage for more than a decade, and we have had what I consider to be a normal, loving sexual relationship. With one major exception—my wife has never achieved orgasm with me. She has always told me it is not a big deal to her, although we have certainly tried and it is something we have discussed repeatedly. She is able to achieve orgasm by herself, but never with me, and she’s said never with any other man. A few nights ago, she accidentally let slip that she did achieve orgasm with her ex-husband. Upon further discussion it turns out it happened many times and very easily. I’m devastated. Why did she never tell me before, given the number and intensity of our discussions on the issue? Am I such a wretched lover that I am hopeless? She feels that since her ex cheated on her, her defensive walls went up and she won’t let herself be vulnerable or trusting enough.&nbsp;I am in quite a tailspin, and she recognizes how deeply I am hurt by this admission and she feels terrible about it. But it’s not something that’s going to be easy to push out of either of our minds when we next try. Help!</p>
<p>—Hurt Husband</p>
<p>Dear Hurt,<br /> So your wife associates orgasmic sex with an ex-husband who ended up cheating on her. In her mind, having an orgasm with her devoted, faithful husband of more than a decade is a psychological barrier she doesn’t want to cross, because it will remind her of what a good lover husband No. 1 was. This is taking Pavlovian conditioning to new and self-punishing levels. I guess you’re lucky your wife agrees to intercourse at all, since that was something she did with her ex. Her reasoning could be extended even more: “Jerry and I used to eat out a lot, but I found credit card receipts showing he ate out with Elaine—so I can never eat in a restaurant with you.” If you’d said that no partner of yours had ever reached orgasm, I might have suggested you lacked peak performance skills.&nbsp;But you seem to have worked assiduously to get her off. Now comes the revelation that she can climax at the drop of the pants—just not with you. I agree that your next time in the sack is going to be rather tense. So you need to talk more with your wife about this before getting into bed. Don’t be sorrowful or defensive—instead act as if this has the potential to be wonderful news. Ask your wife if there’s some magic trick that her ex did that you would be more than happy to try to incorporate—maybe you will discover some terra incognito of her erotic life. But if it truly is a psychological barrier, you need to make clear it’s diminishing the pleasure both of you get from your intimacy, and that all these years later you hope she can let go of what was a specious connection to begin with. Even if the most she can do at this point is masturbate in front of you that could be a breakthrough that leads to more mutual satisfaction.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> Last spring I attended a work conference and really hit it off with one attendee in particular. We ended up having a romantic night together. I later found out that he was married. I am looking for a new job in my field and recently ran across a job opening where I would be working closely with this man as my boss. It is a great opportunity and I am well suited for the job. I have no intention of continuing the affair or trying to break up this marriage. Is it fair for me to apply to this job? And if I do, should I mention the incident from last spring?</p>
<p>—What Stays at the Conference</p>
<p>Dear Stays,<br /> Talk about an awkward position! It is fair for you to apply. But you also have to understand it’s fair for this future boss to toss your r&eacute;sum&eacute; in the “not in a million years” pile. That would be preferable to his tossing your application in the “she’s a twofer: a qualified candidate and great lay!” pile. If you do apply, and you do get called in, act totally professionally, and if he doesn’t bring up your encounter, at some point you should say in the most low-key way possible that you consider what happened to be a lovely but completely isolated event, and that you are here only because you’d be great for the job. But be prepared that your rendezvous may have blown your chance to work with someone you once really hit it off with.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My husband’s sister is a mess. She’s 40 and can’t hold a job for more than a few months. She lives beyond her means, and my in-laws encourage this behavior by subsidizing her entire life. The in-laws have a substantial amount of money, and I’ve never thought it was my business how they spent it. However, as they are nearing the end of their lives, they’ve told us that they have been keeping track of how much money they have given her over the years and will be deducting it from her share of the will! I think this is a terrible idea, one that will cause all sorts of hurt feelings. We don’t need the extra cash, and would be happy if everything is divided 50/50 (or they can give it all to charity, I don’t care)! How do we deal with the inevitable fallout from this? We’ve told the in-laws to make the inheritance equal, but they have decided they want to prove a point.</p>
<p>—Confused</p>
<p>Dear Confused,<br /> It is generous of you and your husband to want to waive a substantial extra share of your in-laws’ estate. But I agree that if they think the best time to give life lessons to their daughter is after they’re gone, the lesson is guaranteed to backfire. Their will as described will leave horrible feelings of resentment on the part of your sister-in-law. Unfortunately, she won’t express these by stomping away, but by constantly harassing you and your husband. She has been taken care of all her life, and if her parents leave her without the means to continue this, she’s going to turn to you two for bailing out. I wonder if your sister-in-law has ever had a psychological evaluation to find out the source of her troubles. It could be she has a treatable condition that never got diagnosed, then the “treatment” became writing her checks.&nbsp;In any case, you are not the person who should talk to your in-laws about their estate planning. Your husband is. He should tell them that for the sake of his relationship with his sister, and her well-being, he’s urging them to redo their plans. A trust needs to be set up for his sister with administrators to watch over it and make sure she doesn’t run through it. That way she will have to start living within her means, which might motivate her to deal with her issues so that she is able to hold down a job. If she is sufficiently provided for, you and your husband won’t constantly have to turn away her begging bowl.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My smart and confident 5-year-old is set to start kindergarten and we are in a quandary about where to send her. The public schools where we live are overcrowded and not well regarded. My husband and I are both professionals, but we can’t shell out the dough for most private schools’ tuition around here. Except for one. It’s an outstanding private school (K–8) with good, caring teachers and that meets our budget. The problem is that it is a religious-based school (Presbyterian) and we are atheists. We sent her there for her first year of preschool and she loved it, but my husband and I felt it was too “churchy” and insular. At 3 years old she was talking about God’s love, Jesus, and how when you die, you turn to dust, and we felt it was too much, too soon. Is it wrong to “use” the religious school (we don’t have the same beliefs after all) solely for our kids’ educational purposes? If we do send her (and her younger sibling in a few years) how do we reconcile the messages she will receive at school and the lack of faith at home? I also don’t want her going into school saying “the wrong thing” she heard at home. Some friends have told us not to worry because “it’s just kindergarten,” but we want to make sure she gets off on the right foot. Please help!</p>
<p>—We Don’t Believe</p>
<p>Dear Don’t,<br /> This school is apparently open to all comers and does not require affiliation with the Presbyterian church. So if they don’t require it, you aren’t “using” them if you send your child—you will be paying full tuition, after all. It’s true she will have questions about what she hears, which you should answer in an honest, age-appropriate way. You can explain that you and Daddy don’t belong to the church most of her classmates belong to, but that she is learning interesting things about their religion. If you send her, you should also sit down with her teacher at the beginning of the year and explain that you aren’t Presbyterian and ask how the school handles students who are not members of a congregation. But while there will be some learning about Jesus, there will also be ABCs, 123s, and all the other fun, important things that happen in kindergarten. I agree with your friends that it’s just kindergarten. If you send her and it’s great, you will have made the right choice. If it’s not, there’s nothing stopping you from reassessing your options and making a change.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
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<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/03/dear_prudence_my_ex_didn_t_tell_me_she_was_transgender_until_i_confronted.html">Need to Know</a>: My ex didn’t reveal she was transgender—until her sister told me.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/03/dear_prudence_my_husband_has_fallen_in_love_with_our_teenage_exchange_student.html">Foreign Affair</a>: My husband has fallen in love with our 16-year-old exchange student.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/03/dear_prudence_is_my_boyfriend_a_freeloader_my_friends_think_so.html">Money Honey</a>: My friends say my boyfriend is a freeloader. How do I get them to back off?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_my_daughter_was_tickled_and_prodded_by_a_man_in_the_middle.html">Night Crawler</a>: My daughter slept at a friend’s and woke up to a man tickling her.”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/03/dear_prudence_my_husband_texts_his_female_co_worker_all_the_time.html">Shoot the Messenger</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman whose husband texts his female co-worker all the time.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/03/dear_prudence_my_neighbors_still_have_their_christmas_decorations_up_what.html">’Twas Months After Christmas</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a letter writer who wants the neighbors to take down their holiday decorations.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_a_man_was_sniffing_the_pillows_and_sheets_in_my_hotel_room.html">Bed and Break-In</a>: In a live chat, Prudie advises a letter writer who caught a hotel employee sniffing sheets and pillows.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_i_used_to_dip_toothbrushes_in_toilet_water.html">Porcelain Revenge</a>: In a live chat, Prudie, advises a woman who used to dip a couple's toothbrushes in the toilet.”</p>Thu, 30 Jul 2015 11:30:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_wife_said_she_couldn_t_orgasm_during_sex_she_was_lying.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-30T11:30:00ZMy wife always said she couldn’t orgasm during sex. But she can—just not with me.LifeHelp! It Turns Out My Wife Can Orgasm During Sex—Just Not With Me.100150728014Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_wife_said_she_couldn_t_orgasm_during_sex_she_was_lying.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: Help! Turns out my wife CAN orgasm during sex—just not with me.Dear Prudie: This is now how I wanted to find out.1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t43837927470013926365990001Photo illustration by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photo by Dean Drobot/Shutterstock.Aliens at the Engagement Partyhttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_my_husband_to_be_believes_in_aliens.html
<p>In this week’s video, Prudie counsels a man whose partner is obsessed with extraterrestrials.</p>Wed, 29 Jul 2015 19:01:16 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_my_husband_to_be_believes_in_aliens.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-29T19:01:16ZMy husband-to-be has a serious interest in UFOs.VideoHelp! My Husband-to-Be Is Obsessed With UFOs and Aliens.100150729015Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_my_husband_to_be_believes_in_aliens.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: Help! My husband-to-be has a serious interest in UFOs and aliens.Dear Prudie: Close encounters with the odd kind.1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t438379274700139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t43837927470013926365990001Photo illustration by Juliana Jiménez. Photos by ThinkstockDear Prudence Live Chathttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_aug_4_2015.html
<p>Need help getting along with partners, relatives, co-workers, and people in general? Ask Dear Prudence! Emily Yoffe takes your questions on manners, morals, and more. Please keep your questions succinct (recommended max. length is around 150 words). Submit yours ahead of time below:</p>
<p>Then come back to this page at noon on Monday, when Emily Yoffe will be online to answer your questions.</p>
<p> </p>Tue, 28 Jul 2015 19:43:27 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_aug_4_2015.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-28T19:43:27ZFor Aug. 4, 2015LifeChat With Dear Prudence100150728011AdviceEmily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_aug_4_2015.htmlfalsefalsefalseGot a problem? Ask Dear Prudence!Got a problem? Ask Dear Prudence!Photo by Teresa Castracane.Emily YoffeWhat a Triphttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_classic_vacation_advice_from_recent_years.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to <a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><strong>prudence@slate.com</strong></a>. (Questions may be edited.) The regular chat will be back next Tuesday.</em></p>
<p><em>Dear Prudence is on vacation this week, so in honor of the summer we’re running the best vacation-related letters from recent years—from both the chat and the column.</em></p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2010/01/the_unfaithful_friend.html">Dear Prudence</a>, </strong> Last summer my husband and I rented a house with another couple for two weeks. We’ve all been close friends for many years, and I considered the wife to be my best friend. Recently my husband confessed to having slept with her once during our vacation, after we’d all had too much to drink and the other husband and I had gone to sleep. He begged me not to reveal to my friend that he told me, since, of course, they had sworn themselves to secrecy. I have forgiven my husband for being stupid. I know that he loves me and has no intention of repeating what happened, but my feelings toward my friend are very ambivalent. If I can forgive my husband, I should also be able to forgive her, but this is difficult because I can’t talk things out with her without giving away my husband. It’s also very hard for me to maintain our formerly close friendship knowing about this breach of trust. Should I just try to forgive and forget, or spill the beans and possibly wreck a longtime four-way friendship?</p>
<p>—Ambivalent</p>
<p>Dear Ambivalent, I admire that you are a forgiving and understanding person, but your best friend didn’t forget your birthday; she slept with your husband! I accept this is a one-time event—a brew of booze, bathing suits, and balmy breezes—and there was no reason for your husband to confess except an inability to live with his guilt. Your husband’s disclosure and promise that it won’t happen again allowed you to forgive him. But you don’t know if your friend shares your husband’s shame, or if she thinks of their tryst as a secretly thrilling interlude. Since you’ve had no acknowledgement of wrongdoing from your friend, the burden falls on you to try to maintain the relationship as it was, and you’re understandably finding it a heavy one. Your husband’s confession was commendable, but it came with its own bit of manipulation: his plea that you not let your friend know he violated their pact. While he can ask you to keep the secret, you’re free to decide what’s best both for your marriage and yourself. Perhaps you’ll want to inform your husband that you need to discuss this with your friend. You can tell her you know what happened and that you won’t say anything to her husband, but you can no longer live with the pretense. It could be that over time, your pleasure in their company will outweigh the pain of the betrayal, but you shouldn’t feel coerced into continuing the friendship because putting on a front makes it so much easier on the cheaters.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/06/dear_prudie_my_boss_pantsed_someone_at_work_should_i_tattle_.html">Dear Prudence</a>, </strong> My husband and I are planning a vacation to Hawaii. One of my friends has been feeling very lonely since she broke up with her boyfriend, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with her to be supportive. She recently informed me she’s coming to Hawaii at the same time we’re going to be there and is staying at the same hotel! She’s very excited about the vacation and wants to know exactly what activities my husband and I are planning, presumably so she can come along with us. I’m really annoyed because this is supposed to be a chance for my husband and me to spend some quality time together. I’ve been dropping a lot of hints about how busy we will be, and how we won’t have time to spend with her. I’m also emphasizing how much things are going to cost. (My friend is strapped for cash.) However, she’s not getting the message and she’s already made hotel and plane reservations! What should I do?</p>
<p>—Three’s a Crowd</p>
<p>Dear Crowd, Maybe the boyfriend broke up with her because she is clingy as a barnacle and has as much social sense. Native Hawaiian wildlife <a href="http://www.hawaiiinvasivespecies.org/"><strong>is under threat</strong></a> by invasive species, and your tropical romantic getaway is also in danger because of an intruder. Before you find your friend sitting in the middle seat between you and your husband as you all take off for this threesome, stop hinting about what a pest she’s being. Sit her down and tell her how upset you are that she’s invited herself on your vacation. Explain this is a long-planned trip for you and your husband to have a romantic time together, and you don’t intend to make it a trio. Say of course you can’t prevent her from going to Hawaii, but you’re not going share your schedule with her because you don’t intend to share your vacation with her. If she can’t take the financial hit and cancel the tickets, then she needs to start planning her own activities. You can also say it might be less awkward if she stays at a separate hotel so you’re not always running into her in the lobby. If she can’t figure out how to enjoy herself alone on vacation, she can always swim up to the poolside bar and drown her sorrows in <a href="http://www.hawaiimagazine.com/blogs/hawaii_today/2009/8/30/_lava_flow_hawaii_tropical_cocktail"><strong>Lava Flows</strong></a>.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/07/dear_prudence_can_i_tell_my_son_s_girlfriend_she_has_to_wear_a_bra.html">Q. No, Everyone Does Not Want to See Your Nipples</a>: </strong>My 20-year-old son “Ted” has a 19-year-old girlfriend named “Dahlia.” Dahlia is very well-endowed and rarely wears a bra. However, she does wear low-cut clothing and often looks like she’s about to fall out. The dress she was wearing last night was so small on her that she couldn’t zip it up all the way and she was very close to a nip slip. When she walked in the door, she looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and said, “I know this is a low-cut dress” as if she knew she was coming to my house, knew what my expectations are, but came looking like that anyway. Here’s my problem: She’s going on vacation with us in a week. I don’t want to seem prudish but I do want to get through to her that this type of dress isn’t appropriate for the places we’ll be going and the people we’ll be seeing. I’ll be asking her before we leave if she’s got bras in her suitcase, and I am ready to leave her behind if she doesn’t or make her go out and buy a few or buy them for her. What do I do? How do I handle this without alienating her but helping her to understand that something that is fine when you’re out clubbing is not fine when you’re trying to make a good impression with your boyfriend’s family?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You have time to have a friendly and helpful chat with Dahlia before you all go bouncing off on holiday. Take a supportive, not punitive, approach. You can say something like “Dahlia, dear, you’re young and beautiful, but the clothes you wear to go out in the evening aren’t going to be appropriate for family outings. I wanted to make sure you have things to wear, including bras, that will work for the trip. If not, let’s go to the department store and get you a few items.” If you have to put the underwire, nipple-concealing bra on your credit card, consider it an excellent investment.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/02/work_husband_my_wife_is_going_away_with_her_close_work_friend_should_i_worry_.html">Dear Prudence</a>,</strong> My wife is planning to attend a professional conference in a few months in a warm location while I stay at home with our two young boys. In years past I have gone with her, but this year one son is in school. As much as I’ll be frazzled by five days alone with them, I’m happy that my wife is able to build her reputation. But she will be attending the conference with a guy I don’t care for, because he acts like he’s my wife’s best friend. They worked together for several years, and he was essentially her “work husband”—lunches together, drinks after work with their co-workers, texts and calls at home, inside jokes, birthday presents. I’ve tried to explain my belief that a man should not be “buddies” with another man’s wife, but my wife doesn’t see it and says they’re just pals. At the conference my wife will essentially be “dating” this guy for five days. I do trust my wife completely. But this guy is single and would, I’m sure, like to get involved if the opportunity were available. I’m annoyed that I will be home with the boys while she is on vacation with another man. I can’t ask her not to go, and I can’t join her. What can I do?</p>
<p>—Convention Dissension</p>
<p>Dear Convention, What you shouldn’t do, once you tuck in the kids, is watch the movie <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00574SQ6E/?tag=slatmaga-20"><strong><em>Cedar Rapids</em></strong></a>. In that convention story, the insurance agent played by Anne Heche looks forward to the annual blowout so she can get away from her dutiful marriage, swim naked in the hotel pool, and get laid. Poor you, five days alone with your own sons, while your wife goes someplace warm (the nerve!), sees old colleagues, makes professional connections, and has some fun (bad Mommy!). One paragraph of your self-pity and bluster makes me want to pull up a lounge chair, order a pitcher of mojitos, and drown out the lectures on proper relations with the opposite sex. You’re right that some people have office spouses. This can be tricky because while it doesn’t offer conjugal privileges, it also doesn’t include such romance killers as wiping the kids’ noses and hauling the groceries. But you say you trust your wife completely, and during the years she worked with her office husband, they did not have an affair. I agree that if her relationship with her former colleague had been intruding on your time together, you would have been justified in asking for fewer happy hours and a moratorium on home phone calls—but they’re not even co-workers anymore. Stop harping on this conference, which is months away. When it rolls around, wish her a great trip and say you and the boys will enjoy doing guy stuff. That way, instead of thinking about what a relief it is to get away from her jealous prig, she will feel that no office husband measures up to the real thing.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2010/05/daughter_dump.html">Dear Prudie</a>, </strong>My sister and I are both married with young children. Our mother, who lives near us, is almost 60 and has physical disabilities due to chronic pain. She is also flighty, stubborn, and tends not to make rational decisions. In recent years she has started supplementing her income by being a foster parent and has become very dedicated, sometimes having four high-needs children at a time. Last year she adopted one of them, “Cindy.” My sister and I were skeptical about this. Also, my mother’s sister has an affluent lifestyle, which my mother would like to emulate. So, soon Mom will leave on a three-week European vacation with her sister. The state will provide temporary housing for the foster kids and a week or so of respite care for Cindy. For the rest of the time, my mom wants me to take Cindy. Cindy has been hospitalized for acute psychiatric care recently, and my mother has had to call the police because of Cindy’s destructive behavior and threats to herself and others. My sister refuses to help my mother, saying that she won’t enable her bad decisions. My husband has also said that he will not agree to allow Cindy to stay with us, although I think I could insist. My mother is getting resentful of my sister and me and says she will try to line up a string of people to keep Cindy for a day or two. My heart breaks for this child who is bearing the brunt of an adult’s bad decision-making, and I am feeling guilty. How I can reconcile my own family’s needs, the needs of my adopted sister, and my relationship with my mother?</p>
<p>—The Good Daughter/Sister/Mother/Wife</p>
<p>Dear Good, I know there aren’t enough people in the world who want to adopt older, severely needy children. But how did an older, severely needy adult get approved to be the adoptive parent of one? Poor Cindy! You’re right, she is the victim—a lifetime victim—in all this, but I understand why your husband does not want this potentially dangerous girl in your home with your own children. Tragically, your mother sounds like exactly what Cindy, and the foster children, don’t need: a do-gooder who ends up doing bad because she’s erratic and incapable. If your mother wants to be paid for her altruistic impulses, it would be better if she worked at some kind of institution for troubled children, where her responsibilities would be limited. You need to have a blunt discussion with your mother, telling her that as much as she needs and deserves a break, she can’t do it at the expense of the children. She needs to arrange a stable situation for Cindy while she’s away, and if she can’t, then she needs to cut her trip short. I also think you should give your mother warning that you want to talk to the social services agency about how overwhelmed she is. Then you and your sister should contact this agency and tell them you are deeply concerned that your mother doesn’t have the physical or mental capacity to cope with high-needs children, and that you are also worried about Cindy’s future. Explain that as your mother ages, and her condition worsens, neither of you is able to take in your adopted sister, and that both of you fear that even now Cindy’s behavior is becoming more than your mother can handle.</p>
<p><strong>Q. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/02/nightmare_vacation.html">Obligated</a>? </strong>Ten years ago, when my husband and I were expecting our first child, his mother made us promise that if we ever took our children to Disneyland that she be allowed to go with us, as she had never been. Of course, we agreed. We finally have the funds and time to make the trip with our two children. M-I-L has had numerous health concerns over the last year, and her health is unsteady at best. To make things worse, my cantankerous F-I-L is reluctant to let her out of his sight. She is the only one who can tolerate his political rants and constant complaining. He also has numerous health concerns and is unable to walk for extended periods of time. I fear that bringing them along would not only hamper our ability to enjoy the trip, but I would be playing the role of nursemaid the whole time. I’m hesitant to tell them about our travel plans. Are we still obligated to invite them?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>If your father-in-law is as impossible as you say, I think you should get him an open-ended ticket for the It’s a Small World ride. That should quickly put him in a catatonic state and the rest of you will be able to enjoy your vacation. You promised your mother-in-law a trip to Disney, and it would be churlish to deprive her. However, all of you have to take into account your various physical needs and capacities. The entire family does not have to be joined at the hip. Get separate rooms, and if necessary make somewhat separate agendas for the day. You can all meet up for meals, or take one or two rides together. Surely Disneyland of all places is going to be able to accommodate little people of manic energy, and old people of fading strength. Get out of your head the idea that you have to play nursemaid, and let your in-laws decide how much Mickey Mouse they can stand.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/12/dear_prudence_i_m_pregnant_and_my_family_wants_to_cancel_our_remote_vacation.html">Dear Prudence</a>, </strong>My family planned an important vacation for this coming June.&nbsp;This vacation will be in a remote location, a helicopter ride away from medical services, and it is important to us for cultural reasons. Surprise, surprise—I learned I’m pregnant, and I will be 36 weeks at the time of this trip. I asked my doctor, and she said it was pushing it to go on vacation at that time. I have already had one easy, uncomplicated birth. Also, my husband will be coming with us, and he is a doctor. My sister is threatening to cancel the vacation for everyone because she is too worried about me going. I’ve assessed the risk as minimal, if any, and in any event, I am an adult! Should my sister shut her trap and let us all go on this vacation? We’ve agreed to respect your advice.</p>
<p>—Traveling Preggo</p>
<p>Dear Traveling, Since I get to decide, you’re staying home. I hope your family will reschedule for a more propitious time—meaning that during the hike, when you say, “My water just broke!” you mean your canteen fell on a rock. Even if your husband is a doctor, you don’t want him wiping off the afterbirth with banana leaves or cutting the umbilical cord with your sister’s nail clippers. I don’t understand why your doctor hasn’t told you outright not to go, but she’s definitely expressed her concern. The airlines are also likely to express theirs,&nbsp;since <a href="http://www.marchofdimes.org/pregnancy/travel-during-pregnancy.aspx"><strong>most commercial carriers limit travel</strong></a>&nbsp;for pregnant women after&nbsp;36 weeks, and if you’re flying internationally, the cutoff time may be earlier.&nbsp;(Full-term pregnancy starts at <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/10/22/full-term-pregnancy-definition/3145107/"><strong>39 weeks</strong></a>.) That would put you right at the deadline. Just because you had one easy, uncomplicated birth does not mean you’re destined for another. To worry about having to call for an emergency evacuation in case baby No. 2 decides to evacuate in an untimely way is likely to undermine everyone’s pleasure during the vacation. And being 36 weeks pregnant is not the ideal time for rugged adventure, no matter what the cultural imperative. Yes, you’re an adult, but if something goes wrong, the risks aren’t minimal—they’re grave. I think you should thank your sister for speaking up; I’m thanking her for allowing me to play doctor without having to waste all that time in medical school.</p>
<p><strong>Q. <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/07/dear_prudence_do_i_always_have_to_bring_my_nephews_on_vacation_with_us.html">Vacation Dilemma</a>: </strong>I live next door to my elderly in-laws. They have custody of their two grandchildren by my husband’s sister, who passed away. We see these kids almost every day, and I help with a lot of their day-to-day care. For the past three years they’ve lived next door, we’ve always taken them on vacations and day trips with us. We have a weekend trip coming up, and I would like to have a quiet family trip with just me, my husband, and our son. I’ve found it quite stressful to take two additional children and I just want one vacation where I don’t have to deal with constant squabbling and the headache of having three bouncy, excited, noisy children who hype each other up. And even though I’m happy to help look after my nephews, there is a part of me that misses the quiet family time we used to have, just us three. My husband thinks it’s cruel to “exclude” the nephews and I should just suck it up. Is it mean to have a trip with just our own offspring?</p>
<p><strong>A:</strong> I totally understand your desire, but instead of having a squabble over a single weekend with your husband, you both need to sit down and start having some comprehensive conversations about the future and your expectations and obligations to your nephews. These boys have no mother, and if there’s a father he’s apparently too incompetent to care for them. Being raised by elderly grandparents sounds difficult, and given the actuarial realities, perhaps not long-term. So what needs to be addressed is the plans for the boys if your in-laws are no longer able to care for them. If you become their legal guardians, then it won’t be healthy for you to make distinctions between them and your “real” child. For now, I can see other ways to deal with this besides just saying, “We’re going to have fun—and that means leaving you two stay home with the grandparents.” These boys need activities over the summer. Maybe there are some short-term sleep-away camps they are old enough to attend. While they’re away, off the three of you go. Maybe their father—if he’s in the picture—can take them for a weekend. Maybe there are other relatives who can step up and be part of these children’s lives. And while the kids are visiting, your little group will enjoy your privacy. I know caring for two motherless boys was not in your life plan, but here they are, so all of you now need to figure out the best ways to get everyone’s needs met.</p>Mon, 27 Jul 2015 19:11:23 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_classic_vacation_advice_from_recent_years.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-27T19:11:23ZThe best Dear Prudence vacation advice, in time for the peak of summer.LifeThe Best Dear Prudence Vacation Advice100150727006Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_classic_vacation_advice_from_recent_years.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: The best vacation letters from recent years.Dear Prudie: Having fun is never easy.1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t140975031100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t140975031100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t140975031100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t140975031100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t140975031100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t140975031100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t140975031100139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t14097503110013926365990001Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by ThinkstockTouchy Tutorialhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_a_male_friend_tried_to_teach_an_11_year_old_girl_about_puberty.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be on vacation next Monday, and online again to chat with readers on Tuesday, Aug. 3 at noon.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I live in a close-knit community, and my husband and I are, or were, close friends with a couple who live in our apartment building. We are all in our late 50s. In our community there is a single mother with an 11-year-old daughter, and many of us are friends with the mother. The husband of the couple who lives in our building offered to be a father figure for the 11-year-old because her father is not in the girl’s life. He tutored the girl in school subjects with which she was having trouble. One day the girl came to me and told me that while she was being tutored in “Mark’s” apartment, his wife had to go out. He then offered to read a book to her. He chose a book about teenagers’ changing bodies. He told her to sit on his lap, which she did, and they leafed through the book until they came to the parts about boys’ changing bodies, and there were drawings of boys’ erect penises and “Mark” asked her if she had ever seen an erect penis. After she told me this, I arranged for her to talk with an experienced social worker. The social worker is convinced that Mark did not molest her, and while what he did was clearly inappropriate, it is not reportable or prosecutable. I can’t get this scenario out of my head. My husband and I confronted this couple. They think that Mark has done nothing wrong and Mark’s wife is adamant that he didn’t do anything inappropriate. We no longer speak to them. When people in the community ask why we are no longer friends with them, we don’t know what to say. We have not told people about this situation, but do we have an obligation to warn other parents about this, or is it slander? They still want to be friends with us, and keep inviting us to go out with them. Help!</p>
<p>—Friend No More</p>
<p>Dear Friends,<br /> Obviously Mark’s mentoring was actually grooming. He’d been waiting for the day that his wife had to run some errands so he could proceed to lecture this little girl about male genitalia. It’s not hard to imagine what Mark has in mind for subsequent instruction. You are friends with the mother and you have taken the lead in getting this girl help. So now I hope you can convince the mother that her daughter has to tell this story to the police. You could offer to contact the special victims unit on their behalf—if your community has one—and start the reporting process. The social worker may be correct that nothing legally actionable has taken place, but it’s better to get the authorities involved as soon as possible. The police should pay a visit to Mark and his wife to find out what went on, while letting them know he’s on their radar and that a file has been opened (or possibly reopened). You should also ask the police about what can be done to keep other children safe from him. I wish you could hire a plane to fly a banner over your community warning parents about Mark’s tutoring service. But I agree that spreading this story could open you to potential liability, and even if you don’t name the girl her identity will be obvious, and her privacy needs to be taken into consideration.&nbsp;If people ask what happened to your friendship, you can say that unfortunately you and Mr. and Mrs. Mark had a falling out. It’s not clear from your letter whether Mark and his wife denied every part of the girl’s story, or just say that his actions were misconstrued. But you believe the child, so when they call again, explain that your friendship is over and they know why.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> I work for a health-conscious celebrity. Part of the job’s appeal was access to healthy meals prepared by staff, especially as I am a recovering bulimic. My boss does not know this history, and she throws jabs at me about my weight about once a week. I firmly told her that we’re no longer discussing my weight, yet she will not let up. There’s no HR department, so I’m unsure how to handle her weight pressures. Even without her input I’ve been increasingly contemplating old, bad habits to help me lose the pounds that make me feel self-conscious. I am the only minority female in my workplace, curvy but with a single-digit dress size. Do I just take what she says as part of working for a demanding celebrity? I already struggle to accept my body, so I don’t feel it’s something I should have to further defend.</p>
<p>—Eating Disordered</p>
<p>Dear Eating,<br /> You say that even if you weren’t working for this nasty celebrity (and you’re supposed to tell us who she is!) you would be feeling the lure of bulimia to get you to a smaller dress size. This is not healthy, and you need to be in the care of a professional before you slip back into damaging old habits. You’ve forthrightly spoken to the boss and said your weight is off the table. But she owns the table, the food, and everything else at this small enterprise, and it sounds as if this woman is used to doing whatever she likes. Enhancing the boss’s ability to do what she pleases is often the essential job description for those who work directly for celebrities. Sure, you could discuss your situation with a lawyer, but an occasional remark about your weight seems unlikely to result in a settlement—especially as you knowingly went to work for a celebrity obsessed with fitness—and then you would lose the ability to get a recommendation from her for your next job. And your next job is exactly what you should be seeking, for the sake of your mental and physical health.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> My father, whom I love dearly but can be difficult, has always had a controlling relationship with my mom. She had a large group of close friends in the town where I grew up, but once they retired they moved thousands of miles away and she feels isolated. He’s content to just spend time with her. Though she is very social, he wouldn’t be happy with her taking a trip without him. This upsets me to no end, but I also feel it’s not my place to do anything about it. The trouble is, she comes to me anytime he does or says something that frustrates her. It puts me in an uncomfortable position to listen to her vent about her difficulties with her husband, who’s my dad, and sometimes the things she tells me make me angry at him. My husband thinks it’s inappropriate for her to gripe to me about my dad, but I don’t want to cut her off when she obviously so desperately needs to talk to someone who understands. I know she does love him and doesn’t want to leave him. What can I do?</p>
<p>—Caught in the Middle</p>
<p>Dear Caught,<br /> Your mother needs to figure out what she wants out of the rest of her life. She married a man who is demanding and manipulative, and she apparently intends to go the distance with him. She certainly went the distance when she left her beloved hometown. But she puts up with it, and gets some relief by complaining about him to you. That allows her to keep the status quo while debasing your feelings for both your father and her. It’s hard not to lose respect for someone who just wants to gas on about her intolerable situation without doing anything to improve it. I agree with your husband that she’s imposing an unfair burden on you and it has to stop. It’s also not helpful for her. Even if she’s having trouble making friends in her new community, she can find herself a therapist. She needs to go with a clear agenda—and developing one is something you can discuss with her while letting her know you’re handing her off. To start, she must learn how to better assert her needs in her marriage, which means taking actions he might not necessarily like. Maybe she wants to visit her old friends without feeling like she’s asking permission from her jailer. It is not going to be easy for her to change a dynamic of decades, but she has legitimate and unaddressed gripes and the time to do something about them is now.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudie,</strong><br /> What is proper etiquette for disposing of baby diapers in public? I am a first-time mom and have noticed that other mommies often have a small disposable garbage bag that they put the baby’s diaper in and often take these wrapped up diapers with them to dispose of later when in public. I have not been participating in this practice and often at people’s homes, shopping malls, restaurants, coffee shops, etc., dispose of the dirty diaper in the trash receptacles. Only when I was at the pediatrician’s office and they informed me that I was unable to dispose of the dirty diaper at the office that I thought perhaps I have been committing a faux pas.</p>
<p>—Mommy Doodies</p>
<p>Dear Doodies,<br /> Thank you, other mommies, for wrapping up your children’s droppings and thinking about the most appropriate place to deposit these offerings. First-time mom, please don’t make people want to evacuate a restaurant or mall because of your child’s evacuation. No one wants to go over to the milk and sugar station at your local coffee shop and get a whiff from the refuse bin of something freshly brewed by your kid. If your pediatrician is telling you to take your unwrapped waste elsewhere, you know you’re violating an unwritten code—and common sense. When traveling with a diapered child, it is necessary to have plastic bags to tightly seal the dirty diaper when disposing of it in a public place. And these should be the kind of receptacles where such waste would be appropriate—so restrooms or outdoor trash bins. If you’re visiting friends, wrap the diaper up and put it in your bag for later disposal, unless you’re visiting someone with small children and you can ask if there’s a place you can toss it. You’re in charge of a baby, and this is an instance in which you just can’t let the chips fall where they may.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
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<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_wants_to_test_my_children_s_dna.html">Mrs. Doubtfire</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man whose mother-in-law wants to test his children’s DNA.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_my_wife_may_be_pregnant_with_some_other_man_s_child.html">The Cornered Cuckold</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man who agreed to let his wife take lovers—only now she's pregnant.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/01/dear_prudence_my_mild_autism_means_i_can_t_tell_if_a_woman_is_flirting_with.html">She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man with mild autism uncertain whether he is being flirted with.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/01/dear_prudence_i_want_to_stop_taking_my_herpes_suppressive_pills.html">Sore Issue</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman who finds taking her herpes suppressive pills annoying.”</p>Thu, 23 Jul 2015 09:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_a_male_friend_tried_to_teach_an_11_year_old_girl_about_puberty.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-23T09:00:00ZI suspect my friend of grooming an 11-year-old girl for molestation.LifeHelp! A Male Friend Tried to Teach an 11-Year-Old Girl About “Changing Bodies.”100150722019Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_a_male_friend_tried_to_teach_an_11_year_old_girl_about_puberty.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: Help! My friend tried to teach a young girl about "changing bodies."Dear Prudie: there must be some way to stop him.1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t43675080490013926365990001Photo illustration by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photo by Iakov Filimonov/Shutterstock (http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-165955682/stock-photo-mature-couple-after-quarrel-in-living-room-at-home.html)My Boyfriend Crossed the Linehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_my_boyfriend_crossed_the_line.html
<p>In this week’s video Prudie counsels a woman who's miserable after she broke up with her boyfriend when he took flirting with a co-worker too far.</p>Wed, 22 Jul 2015 20:06:56 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_my_boyfriend_crossed_the_line.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-22T20:06:56ZI dumped my man after I found out he got a drink with a flirtatious colleague.VideoHelp! My Boyfriend Got a Drink With a Flirtatious Colleague, So I Dumped Him.100150722013Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_my_boyfriend_crossed_the_line.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: Help! I dumped my boyfriend for getting a drink with a colleague.Dear Prudie: overreacted, or saved herself the trouble down the road?1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t436750804900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t43675080490013926365990001Photo illustration by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photo by cyano66/Thinkstock.Home Invasionhttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_parents_are_moving_to_my_neighborhood_uh_oh.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below <em>to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong>Slate </strong><em>columns</em></em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Q. Parents Moving Closer: </strong>I am in my early 30s, and after college my wife and I moved to another state. Good news, my parents are moving not only to our location, but have purchased a house in our neighborhood. While I’m looking forward to seeing them more, I’m not sure how to handle their “stopping by.” Is it too much to ask them to call before they head over, or should I be open to them ringing my doorbell with no warning?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I accept that their moving into your neighborhood is good news. I know lots of people who live very close to parents or in-laws and it has been great all around, especially since the parents want to take an active role as grandparents. But what’s crucial in these situations is having some clear boundaries particularly when there aren’t so clear geographic boundaries. I assume your parents wouldn’t want you showing up at the door when they’re in their jammies and settling in to binge-watch <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XVQQAM2/?tag=slatmaga-20">Orange Is the New Black</a></em>. So you need to tell your parents that as thrilled as you both are that they are nearby, that makes it more imperative that all of you respect each other’s sense of privacy and autonomy. That means no drop-bys. “Call first” will make this new arrangement better for everyone.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Out of Sight Out of Mind Grandparents: </strong>A few years ago my husband and I moved cross-country with our young son for work. He is the only grandchild on both sides. We offer to pay for the grandparents to come as often as they like, as we know money is an issue. They don’t come. In fact, they rarely bother with us at all. We visit them at least once a year—a trip that is costly, exhausting, and consumes much of our vacation time. I’m tired of trying to force a relationship between my son and his grandparents. When is it OK to throw in the towel?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>And here’s the flip side of the nearby parents and in-laws, and this is just as bad. How strange that both sets of parents would be people who say to each other: “There was something we were meaning to do, what is it? Oh, yeah, see the kids and the grandson! Oh, well, now’s not a good time.” You say that your parents are each financially strapped, but that doesn’t explain why they wouldn’t take you up on an offer to pay to fly them out. You each have to deal with your own parents separately and explain that you want them in your lives and that of your grandson. Say that you need to find a better way to do this than your always flying across country because you want to see them without it taking up all your vacation time. Then get out the calendars and see if you can get each pair to commit to a separate visit over the next six months. If they won’t, then explain that your visits back home are going to become every other year affairs.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Promotion Question: </strong>I love my job and I love my boss. I’ve been working here for a year, and for a very low salary, which I accepted without negotiating since it was my first job and I didn't know any better. Since I started, however, my job description has changed rapidly. I am no longer just doing entry-level work but am working with the CEO and leading teams. However this isn’t reflected in my salary or my title. I understand I am new and need to climb the bottom rungs before I can reach the top, but I am also unsure about how to tell when someone is taking advantage of me. I am borrowing generously from my savings to have my dream job, but I can't see this as&nbsp; being sustainable. I have a one-year check-in coming up but am unsure of what's the best thing to do. Do I stick it out? Or do I bring this up and start looking for another job just in case?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Make an appointment to talk to your boss now. Say how grateful you are to be working for her/him and this company. Say that one thing that’s so extraordinary about your office is that if people have the skills and ambition, they can quickly rise from an entry-level position to one of high responsibility. Tell your boss you appreciate your own rapid rise, then tick off some of the things you’ve done to earn this. Then say that your salary and title do not reflect where you are now in the company, and you are asking for a substantial change in both. Have a figure in mind, but before you put one on the table see what your boss has to say in response. The amount of your raise may be a separate discussion. But what’s not under discussion is that your work should provide you with a wage that allows you to increase your savings, not drain them. And if a significant raise is not forthcoming, you should be forthgoing.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Grandparents ...: </strong>Have you asked the respective sets of grandparents why they don’t take you up on your offer? Some people reach an age where travel becomes very unpleasant—or maybe they feel uncomfortable having the trip paid for. Another option is to see if they would be willing to Skype with you and your son once or twice a month. It’s a way to maintain a relationship without the disruption. If they’re not willing to try that, then I’m with Prudie and you can’t force the issue.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I agree about exploring their reasons for not visiting you. And thanks for the good suggestion about seeing if there’s a technological way that can keep everyone in closer touch.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Parents Moving Closer: </strong>Phone first! Please get this laid out up front. We went from being thousands of miles away to being just minutes. I really hated that someone might just walk in the back door at any moment. That’s when I started locking the doors. Now we live a couple hours away. It works best.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>As I say, I know families who are geographically close, but it works because they aren’t always bursting through each other’s doors. Before you have to change the locks, a discussion is necessary about ground rules so that you can enjoy your closeness without wanting to build a bomb shelter.</p>
<p><strong>Q. My Mother’s Getting Too Much Plastic Surgery: </strong>My mom is a vibrant, beautiful—inside and out—middle-aged woman. What started out as a few plastic surgeries here and there several years ago (a boob job/lift, a tummy tuck) has become a habit, with face fillers, Botox, etc. I’ve never confirmed this with her, I’m just guessing based on appearances. I’m not against plastic surgery per se and have even had a little work myself. But when I see photos of my mom she is starting to look more and more “strained” and fake looking. Is there a polite way to mention this? Or do I just tell her “You look great!” like everyone else does? I don’t want to hurt her feelings.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It sounds as if you don’t have the kind of relationship with your mother in which she talks to you about her procedures. If she did, you could say that you think she should stop tweaking because she’s in danger of entering the Joan Rivers category. (I miss you, Joan!) There is something sad about older women who stop looking like themselves and end up with a strange, off-the-rack face that has a perpetual expression of immobile surprise. If you think she needs your advice, then speak, and accept this will be an awkward conversation. But it sounds as if both of you would be more comfortable silently accepting that she’ll continue her quest to look like your sister.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Promotion Question: </strong>Couple of things:&nbsp;</p>
<p>* Be sure to include specific examples of your work.&nbsp;</p>
<p>* When asking for this, have in mind a specific title for your position and frame it as a promotion. Some workplaces are strict about annual raises (limiting raises to 3–4 percent a year), but they will be more flexible about a raise if there’s a promotion involved.&nbsp;</p>
<p>* Ask for a specific amount as your new salary. That amount should be above what you want/need, on the assumption that they will counter with an offer somewhere between your current salary and the amount you name. However, try to keep the amount in line with what can be expected at other companies in your industry for somebody with similar responsibilities.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Good advice, thanks.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Whether or Not to Take Time Off Work for My Mom’s Knee Surgery: </strong>My mom is scheduled to have knee replacement surgery next month. I live in another state and work full time for a tiny nonprofit. Mom says she doesn’t want me to come, but my aunt is insistent that I take a week off work to be there. Unfortunately, I don’t have enough paid time off, and it’s very short notice. Nobody (even my boss) has ever taken off an entire week straight. It could be an expensive trip and, since it would be unpaid leave with no time to save, I really can’t afford it. My aunt says my mom actually wants me there, but Mom claims she’d rather have me visit when she’s well. When I told my aunt that this could put my job at risk, she scoffed and called me selfish. What do I do? It’s possible my mom is “lying” to save me trouble (she’s done such things before), but she told me directly not to come. My aunt, however, is upset at my lack of caring and spreading that around the family. Help!</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You need to tell your aunt to back off. If she’s so concerned about her sister, I hope she’s arranged to take a week off to help her. You have discussed this directly with your mother, and she’s told you to stay at work. So that’s that. Sure, she may wish you could be there, but she recognizes your difficult work situation. Let’s hope she has the ability to get the kind of assistance she needs for her recovery. But for the long term, I hope you move on from your current organization. A place where no one can take more than a long weekend off is not one that’s well run.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Out of Sight Grandparents: </strong>We had this problem with my parents who only lived three hours away. We were going to see them several times a year, and they weren’t visiting us at all. My husband finally put his foot down in a rather dramatic fashion—refusing at the last minute to drive to their house for a birthday dinner they were making for him—and while it caused some tension at first, it sure drove home the point and they started visiting us.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I’m hearing from some grown children who had such similarly dramatic, “This is coming to end” discussion with their parents, who then stepped up and started visiting. Indeed, not driving to one’s own birthday dinner does drive the point home.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Is Desmond Really a Horrible Name?: </strong>Everyone in my immediate circle hates the name we gave our son. Even four years after he was born people still criticize it. They say it’s not an ethnically appropriate name. It’s too long. It’s ugly. But I love it! I think it’s beautiful and unique and gives cute nicknames. Now that he’s older people are saying, “Please tell me you won’t give the next one a stupid name too.” Makes me so sad! And I don’t want my boy to feel badly about his name. What do I say to get people to quit talking about it once and for all?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>You need a new circle, pronto. Desmond is a beautiful name, and it sounds as if your nearest and dearest are in a strange hazing conspiracy to make you and your son feel bad. Desmond is two syllables, so I don’t understand their length argument. I also don’t understand their ethnicity argument since this <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desmond_%28name%29">list of famous</a> Desmonds show they come in many nationalities. And there’s something extremely disturbing about supposed friends making judgments about which ethnic groups gets to be named what. However, we shouldn’t even be discussing other people making arguments about the name of a 4-year-old! Next time someone puts down the name Desmond, you look that person straight in the eye and say, “I don’t ever want to hear another critical remark about my son’s name.” And as I say, expanding your social circle to include nonjerks is something you should be doing right now.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Parents Moving Closer: </strong>My husband and I live one block away from my parents and three blocks away from his parents. We maybe see both sets once a week max. We were nervous when we bought a house close to them it would be an all the time visiting thing but both sets of parents have a bigger social life than we thought.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>And here’s how it goes when it goes well, thanks!</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Parents Stopping By: </strong>Even if you do suggest phoning first, sometimes they just don’t do it. One time I was cleaning out litter boxes in the driveway when the car came up with the in-laws while my husband was at work. I told them it really wasn’t a good time and please to at least text next time. Next time I was cleaning the bathrooms. One time we were having sex. We are moving across the country and she has no idea yet, and I agreed to let him tell her when he wants to, which will probably be when she calls to find out why someone else is living in our home.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>And here’s how it goes when it’s going badly!</p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Thanks everyone. Have a great week.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_wife_is_choosing_her_son_over_my_kids_for_vacation.html">If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</strong></a><strong><u></u></strong></em></strong></p>Tue, 21 Jul 2015 13:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_parents_are_moving_to_my_neighborhood_uh_oh.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-21T13:00:00ZPrudie advises a letter writer whose parents are moving close enough to stop by anytime.LifeHelp! My Parents Are Moving Close Enough to Drop By Anytime.100150721003Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_parents_are_moving_to_my_neighborhood_uh_oh.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: Help! My parents are moving close enough to drop by anytime.Dear Prudie: It'll be like Everybody Loves Raymond!1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t43542264190013926365990001Photo illustration by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen/Thinkstock.Biological Favoriteshttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_wife_is_choosing_her_son_over_my_kids_for_vacation.html
<p><em>Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below <em>to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s </em><strong>Slate </strong><em>columns</em></em> <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.archive.html"><em>here</em></a><em>. Send questions to Prudence at </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>.)</em></p>
<p><strong>Emily Yoffe: </strong>Good afternoon, everyone. I look forward to your questions.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Vacation Dilemma: </strong>My wife and I have recently married and blended a family of teenagers. Her son has been spoiled quite a bit and gets everything he wants and goes on every trip. My kids have lived a more frugal lifestyle and vacations have been available but not extravagant. She just purchased an extravagant vacation for us for spring break of next year. The kids go to different school districts and their respective spring breaks are different. She wants to take her son on this vacation but not my children. When she told me about the vacation she was hurt that I wasn’t more excited. She doesn’t seem to understand that I was excited but had to think about my kids as well. How is it fair that her son gets to go and my kids get to stay at home? There is no way I can afford to bring my two kids along. I asked why she didn’t make the vacation just for the two of us and it comes back once again to how she will not deny her son anything and wants him to have and experience the best of everything.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>My advice would have been that before you two got married you had to do a whole lot more working out of how you plan to blend this family. You have barely finished saying, “I do,” and now you are seething with resentment over what she lets her son do that your kids can’t. Even though you two are married, it’s fine that each parent will do things with his or her own offspring apart from the new family. It’s also fine for the new couple to take vacations together. What’s not so fine is planning a spring break trip for the new couple that includes the child of one and deliberately excludes the children of the other. Your wife is not only acting as if she’s not a stepmother, she’s acting as if she’s not a wife. One partner simply doesn’t plan an elaborate vacation for the couple (even if she’s picking up the tab) without discussing it first and getting agreement. It sounds as if your wife made these plans and presented them to you as if you were one of her children. So everyone here needs to take a step back. You need to talk with your wife about the reasons for you lack of enthusiasm. You two seem so far from being of a like mind about your marriage that I suggest counseling. Wanting the best for your children is a natural impulse, but if the best means endless indulgence, then ironically this often results in a child who is stunted in important ways because he lacks an understanding of limits and delayed gratification. But even if you’re right and your stepson is spoiled, your contempt for him and your wife’s parenting skills is going to spoil your new union.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Is It Just Dinner?: </strong>My new husband (one-month married) is going to dinner with the woman he had an affair with during his first marriage. I think that this is risky behavior. He says that there is nothing going on, and he wants to her see again because they were once very close. He says that nothing is going to happen, and I am being ridiculous. He thinks I am being controlling and he even threatened to leave me over this. Bottom line: They are going to dinner. I am hurt, but we’ve already fought the fight. I don’t want to stay upset, but I just simply am. What do I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>It was fair for you to object to this dinner and explain that given his history with this woman, his socializing with her privately makes you uncomfortable. He needed to hear you out. It was also fair for him to say your concerns were groundless, that the affair is long over, she is not a threat to your marriage, and his telling you was a sign of this and that your agreement would be a sign of your trust. However, when you objected, he threatened to end your marriage before you two had even finished all the thank you notes for the wedding gifts. I’m getting an idea of why marriage No. 1 went down the tubes. Let him go to the dinner and you go do something fun that night to take your mind off it. Then after you’ve calmed down for a few days say that you want to talk not about the dinner specifically, but about your interaction over it. Explain that you’re concerned about the inability of you two to calmly hear each other out, and the radical escalation of threat over a disagreement. These two letters are good warnings about not ignoring warning signs about an impending marriage, and also about the importance of addressing crucial issues before you tie the knot.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Wedding as Coming Out Party?: </strong>I’m a young, closeted gay man with the intention of beginning the coming out process. My birthday is coming up, and I want to announce it there. One of my closest friends will also be getting married soon and I am in his wedding. Is it appropriate to quietly inform my friends in the wedding party of my sexual orientation as long as we are all together? I do not want to steal any attention from the bride and groom, and I am not planning on making the announcement into a big production. It seems like a good time because we will all be together which happens rarely and because we are celebrating another friend, which would hopefully make my small announcement seem less important, which is what I want. I just don’t want to inadvertently hijack the wedding. Any thoughts?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Since you are going to announce this news at your own event, and presumably your news will make the rounds, I think it’s fine to continue to have the discussion at the wedding with people who are normally spread far and wide. But what’s important is that this is a conversation that naturally flows from the catching up process, not—as you promise it won’t be—a dinging of a spoon on a glass and an announcement to a hushed room. Of course, first make sure your friend the groom knows, and tell him that he’s free to spread the word. If you do it in the spirit you describe here, there will be no sense of your trying to hijack the wedding—it will just be one more reason for good wishes among good friends.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: No, It’s Not Just Dinner: </strong>No husband in his right mind would do that without inviting his wife along, if it were truly innocent. It’s just grossly disrespectful. His immediate escalation to threaten to leave confirms that he’s already out of control. Sometimes people just need to hear it’s time to cut their losses, and one month into a failed marriage is a good time.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I can’t imagine that the new wife would want to come along to catch up with the former girlfriend who ended the first marriage. I find the fact of the dinner less disturbing than the fact that the husband didn’t first raise the dinner as a possibility with his new wife and get her reaction. Instead he announced the dinner was happening and having gotten her reaction, he threatened to walk out on the marriage. Agreed this is an alarming sign, and there needs to be some serious thinking about the viability of this marriage.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Wedding as a Coming Out Party: </strong>Do not do this. This is worse than announcing a pregnancy or engagement at a wedding, because coming out is still controversial to some people. You don’t want to cause a scene when Aunt Gertrude catches word of your “announcement” and flips out. You will all be together for at least a couple days, find a time that isn’t the wedding.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>This guest is not making an announcement at the wedding. He says he plans to tell friends in the course of catching up with them. That’s fine. People are allowed to discuss their lives at a wedding party. And if Aunt Gertrude overhears this and flips out, then Aunt Gertrude will have been the one to make a scene.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Baby Timing: </strong>I was raised by a wonderful single mother (I’m an only child) with whom I am extraordinarily close. I just got married and am in my second year of medical school, while my husband is working an entry-level job. We’d planned to have kids (which we both want) when I finish school and we can start paying off our student loan and housing debts. Recently, though, my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. According to her doctors, her years as “herself” are very numbered, two or three at most. We were all devastated, but my mom has been grieving mostly over the fact that she’ll never meet my children, as she’s always looked forward most of all to being a grandmother. I’m starting to think we should have children now instead of after my mother’s death. However, having a child would mean my medical education would be postponed or called off, resulting in several more years of debt to pay off, and financially at this point we can barely afford the rent, much less a baby. In my rational mind I understand that having a baby is a terrible life choice right now, and if I became accidentally pregnant, I’d likely have an abortion. But emotionally, I’d feel like a monster depriving my mother of the one piece of happiness she’s always wanted, when she’s given me so much and dedicated so much of her life to my happiness. I know this is ultimately a personal decision, but can you help provide some clarity here?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>The monster is this horrible illness and one can only hope that medical science can stop it someday. You’ve all just gotten devastating and life-changing news. It sounds as if your mother is relatively young herself, so this is a diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s which is even more desolating. But I don’t think you should throw your life plans in disarray in order to present your ailing mother with a grandchild. You are an only child of a single mother, so the burden of her care is going to fall on you. That doesn’t mean that you become her caregiver, but you are the person who is going to have to oversee her supervision. I can tell you from having many friends go through that this is going to be draining and consuming. I don’t see how putting off your plans for medical school to have a child you aren’t ready for in order to give your mother a glimmer of happiness before this cruel disease takes it from her, will be the right thing to do. You need to tell your mother that she was there for you every step of the way, and you will be there for her. But since she is relatively OK right now, let her celebrate the launching of your brilliant career, while you reassure her that when the time comes you plan to be a mother and to model yourself on her.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Vacation Dilemma: </strong>Original letter writer here. Thanks for the advice. We already spoke about the ability of taking time with our kids alone. The issue with the spoiling of her son is a sore point, but not anything she wants to address. I am not seething, but I am resentful. We have had a discussion of how I feel. I said that if she decides to go on the trip then she is welcome to take her son but I will be passing because I can’t take my children. I will probably never get this chance again, but I don’t want to alienate my children.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>Thanks for the update. And I agree that this special spring break trip that excludes your kids is a bad precedent for a new marriage, and you’re right to make it a mother/son jaunt. Again, I recommend some counseling. You can go in it with the idea of it being short term to help you figure out these blending problems. But if you resent the way she’s raising her son and you’re constantly feeling it’s an affront to how you can raise your kids, then you two have a serious problem.&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Q. Re: Alzheimer’s: </strong>Maybe sit with your mom and ask her to write some letters or journals or do some videos for you to show the kids and/or watch when you’re pregnant.</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>That’s a lovely idea. Frame this as your wanting to get her insights and wisdom down for her future grandchildren, with the hope that her disease will progress slowly and that she will be able to enjoy them when they eventually come.</p>
<p><strong>Q. Assisted Suicide: </strong>My mother died last month after a long and difficult battle with late-stage lung cancer. Toward the end, she was in a great deal of pain and privately confided to me that she planned on ending her own life within the week using assisted-suicide drugs she’d procured from someone in Oregon, which she did, in the middle of the night, having said good-bye to her loved ones that day. She and I are both pro–assisted suicide, my father is adamantly against it (which I presume is why she never told him). Lately, my dad, in his grief, has been constantly thinking about whether my mother died in pain. He’ll call me up in the middle of the night and ask questions like “Do you think her throat hurt when it happened?” etc. I know that my mom likely died painlessly and when she felt ready, and I know that if my father knew that he might feel a little better and less worried. However, I don’t want to betray my mom’s confidence or make my dad angry at her for not telling him her plans. What should I do?</p>
<p><strong>A: </strong>I think you should tell your father that your mother fought a valiant fight and wanted more time to be with her loved ones, but that you can all take comfort that she no longer is in pain. Your mother’s death is very recent and your father is working through his grief. It’s not unusual that he’s dwelling on her end and his worries that she was suffering. Please encourage him to seek grief counseling so that he can air his concerns with someone who can help reassure him and ease him through this difficult time. I think you should keep your mother’s confidence. It may seem as if telling him would relieve your father’s concerns, but it would actually open up a whole new well of sadness, guilt, and even feelings of betrayal.</p>
<p><strong><em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_parents_are_moving_to_my_neighborhood_uh_oh.html">Click here to read Part 2 of this week’s chat.</a></em></strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a></p>Mon, 20 Jul 2015 19:41:52 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_wife_is_choosing_her_son_over_my_kids_for_vacation.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-20T19:41:52ZPrudie counsels a man whose wife wants to take her son on a vacation and not his kids.LifeHelp! My Wife Wants to Take Her Son on a Big Vacation and Not My Kids.100150720007Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_my_wife_is_choosing_her_son_over_my_kids_for_vacation.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: Help! My wife wants to take only her son on a vacation.Dear Prudie: Is this really a "family"?1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t43542264190013926365990001Photo illustration by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photo by Fuse/ThinkstockSkinheads Need to Shop, Toohttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_i_didn_t_want_to_serve_a_neo_nazi_customer_was_that_bad_of.html
<p><em>Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to </em><a href="mailto:prudence@slate.com"><em>prudence@slate.com</em></a><em>. (Questions may be edited.)</em></p>
<p><em>Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online here on <strong>Slate</strong> to chat with readers each Monday at noon. </em><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_live_chat_for_jul_20_2015.html"><em>Submit your questions and comments here</em></a><em> before or during the live discussion.</em></p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I work in retail. One day I came around a corner and saw a customer facing away from me. A co-worker was approaching him from the other side. Usually I would go up myself and see if I could be of assistance; instead I backed away quietly. Why? The customer had a swastika tattoo on the back of his shaved head. I could hear him speaking with my colleague, and she found him what he needed. (And I hope she turned and walked away from him and thus never saw the back of his head.) I judged him and I discriminated against him based on his appearance. Did I do something wrong?</p>
<p>—Not That Tat</p>
<p>Dear Tat,<br /> I have to agree with you that backing away from the swastika is a good general principle. The needs of this neo-Nazi were sufficiently met by your colleague—and please don’t tell me you work at a gun store—so no refusal of service even occurred. If you’d told the customer that the swastika tattoo makes a bad impression on you and therefore you won’t wait on him, it would have been unlikely to make him realize his love for all mankind. You’re not obligated to serve a customer who is, for example, making sexual remarks to you. But refusing to serve people at a retail operation open to the public because you dislike their beliefs is bad for business and opens you to potential legal complaints. You and your colleagues can discuss what to do when there are customers bearing symbols that would make it hard for some of you to bear providing service. I assume this comes up infrequently, so maybe some among you would volunteer to step up and deal with such customers. There is no symbol more repugnant than the swastika, but if someone else comes in displaying one, I think the best course is to help him swiftly and get him out of your place of business as soon as possible.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence, </strong><br /> I am a divorced man in my 50s, and two weeks ago I happened by chance to reconnect with a woman with whom I had a relationship for a couple of years in the mid-’80s. I was very happy with her, but I was in my 20s and not able to provide her the kind of serious relationship she wanted or deserved. I was a jerk, and I was lucky that she stayed with me as long as she did. Now, 30 years later, she is a widow, and we are together again, this time older and more mature. I could easily fall in love with her again, except for one thing. She just sent me a to-do list that includes about 10 things about my lifestyle that she wants me to change. There’s nothing on the list I cannot comply with, such as not drinking soda and only eating organic fruits and vegetables. But the existence of the list bothers me! Am I wrong?</p>
<p>—Troubled</p>
<p>Dear Troubled,<br /> This reminds me of another general principle: Back away from the new (or rediscovered) love who presents you with a list of all the things you have to change. You’ve been seeing this old flame for two weeks, and she’s effectively emptied a fire extinguisher on you. Sure, her demands are for your own good, but if this is her opening gambit, you might as well put on a muzzle, hand her the leash, and wait for her to tell you when you’re allowed to pee. Maybe you were a jerk all those years ago. But she sounds like one now. You reconnected with her two weeks ago. Considering how things have gone so far, I think it’s time to wish her good luck finding a more acceptable partner.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> Our son was invited to stay over at a friend’s house to celebrate his friend’s 16<sup>th</sup> birthday. There were five boys there who have been friends since kindergarten, and all the families are close. The boy whose party it was lost his mother to cancer about two years ago and now lives several hours away with his father, stepmother, and college-age sister. The stepmother is trying, but she’s young and inexperienced. When my husband and I arrived the next afternoon to pick up our son, we were pulled aside by the friend’s father to let us know that the boys had gotten into a bottle of liquor and drank all of it. The father was surprised, concerned, embarrassed, and apologetic, and we were sympathetic and understanding. We’ve all done these types of things, and we chalked it up to a rite of passage. The stepmother asked me to let her know if I found out any new information when I spoke with our son, and I said I would. My husband and my son talked, and it turns out the 22-year-old boyfriend of the birthday boy’s sister bought the liquor for the party. Our son also added that he suspects his friend drinks pretty regularly. My husband promised our son that their conversation would remain private. Our son is a pretty straight arrow, but I’m concerned about his friend. We now know that there is a young adult on the scene who is supplying a teenager we care deeply about with liquor. My question is this: Should I let the stepmother know that the daughter’s boyfriend is not trustworthy? Or should I do as my husband requests and let it go and let the family sort it out on their own without any further input from us?</p>
<p>—Concerned Mom</p>
<p>Dear Concerned,<br /> In the course of two years this boy has lost his mother, gained a young stepmother, and left the town where he grew up. It’s easy to understand why he wants to drink. Of course, it’s concerning if a teenage boy is turning to the bottle to deal with his pain. But your husband made a promise to your son about confidentiality, and that should guide your actions here. Sure, if this boy were in obvious danger, you’d have to explain to your son that safety trumps confidentiality, but that doesn’t sound like the case. The sister’s boyfriend should not have bought the kids a bottle, but there’s a long tradition of newly legal drinkers providing the booze to teenagers. It must have been quite a birthday party! These hung-over goofballs got caught, and it’s good that you and your husband had the proper perspective on this. I think you should tell your son you appreciate getting the whole story, and that you’re going to keep this to yourselves. But even though the birthday boy has moved away, I hope your entire family can stay in touch with him. He needs emotional anchors and a connection to the life that’s now gone. Maybe you can occasionally offer to pick him up for a (booze-free) weekend with your son and the rest of the gang at your place. It would be good if you and your husband, who have known this boy all his life, could be a continuing warm presence in it—and it wouldn’t hurt to have your eyeballs on him in case you observe any warning signs that would need passing on to his father.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><strong>Dear Prudence,</strong><br /> I have been wanting to reach out to my older sister, who I have not communicated with for more than 30 years, but I don’t know how. I don’t want or expect a sappy Hallmark thing. I only want to catch up with her before it’s too late to do so. (I’m in my 50s, and she’s in her 60s.) Our mother passed away in 1981, and I came out as gay in 1982. Her husband at the time detested me for being gay and declared that I was not to contact them again. But after 30-plus years I would like to see if she is willing to correspond with me. The new marriage law is helping me not feel so embarrassed or ashamed—maybe that is why I am now willing to give it a shot.</p>
<p>—Needs a Family</p>
<p>Dear Needs,<br /> There are still plenty of bigots in the world, but thanks to the astounding recent pace of social progress, fewer young people who come out as gay will suffer the kind of estrangement and humiliation you did. I hope that over the years you eventually saw that the embarrassment and shame rightly belonged to your brother-in-law, and sadly your sister for going along with him. You indicate that this husband is no longer in the picture, but it says something that his departure did not prompt a rapprochement from her. Maybe she still harbors ugly views. Or maybe she feels so much damage was done that she hasn’t been brave enough to risk being the one to reach out. I think it’s fine for you to do so, as long as you have zero expectations. Get her address (physical or email) and send a letter. You can keep it light—“Hey sis, long time no see!”—and say that you’ve been thinking about her a lot lately and wanted to reach out and offer to get together. If she responds positively, you can take it step by step. But if she responds badly, or with silence, then you’ll know she hasn’t changed, and you can feel at peace about not having her in your life.</p>
<p>—Prudie</p>
<p><a href="http://www.facebook.com/EmilyYoffe"><strong><em>Discuss this column with Emily Yoffe on her Facebook page.</em></strong></a><strong><em></em></strong></p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Columns</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_my_wife_has_to_be_drunk_to_have_sex.html">In Vino Coitus</a>: My wife will have sex with me only when she’s drunk.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_my_son_s_secret_biological_father_wants_in_his_life.html">Dada Isn’t</a>: How do I tell my 20-year-old son his dad is not his biological father?”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/01/dear_prudence_is_missing_teeth_a_relationship_deal_breaker.html">Mind the Gap</a>: My new guy has everything I want—except his front teeth.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/01/dear_prudence_my_mom_and_stepdad_want_my_eggs_in_order_to_have_a_baby.html">Poached Eggs</a>: My mom and stepdad say they can only have a baby with my help.”</p>
<p><strong>More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts</strong></p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_my_mother_in_law_wants_to_test_my_children_s_dna.html">Mrs. Doubtfire</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man whose mother-in-law wants to test his children’s DNA.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/02/dear_prudence_my_wife_may_be_pregnant_with_some_other_man_s_child.html">The Cornered Cuckold</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man who agreed to let his wife take lovers—only now she's pregnant.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/01/dear_prudence_my_mild_autism_means_i_can_t_tell_if_a_woman_is_flirting_with.html">She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man with mild autism uncertain whether he is being flirted with.”<br /> “<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/01/dear_prudence_i_want_to_stop_taking_my_herpes_suppressive_pills.html">Sore Issue</a>: In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman who finds taking her herpes suppressive pills annoying.”</p>Thu, 16 Jul 2015 09:00:00 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_i_didn_t_want_to_serve_a_neo_nazi_customer_was_that_bad_of.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-16T09:00:00ZI was reluctant to serve a neo-Nazi customer. Was that bad of me?LifeHelp! Is It Bad if I’m Reluctant to Serve a Neo-Nazi Customer?100150715013Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_i_didn_t_want_to_serve_a_neo_nazi_customer_was_that_bad_of.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: Help! I didn’t want to serve a neo-Nazi customer. Was that bad of me?Dear Prudie: Skinheads shop, too.1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t43542264190013926365990001Photo illustration by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photo by ArtWell/Shutterstock.Obligation to an Ailing Pethttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_obligation_to_a_dying_cat.html
<p>In this week’s video, Prudie counsels a woman with an upcoming trip to Europe who doesn’t want to leave her sick cat.</p>Wed, 15 Jul 2015 19:40:47 GMThttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_obligation_to_a_dying_cat.htmlEmily Yoffe2015-07-15T19:40:47ZMy cat has a terminal illness. Should I cancel my two-week European tour to stay by his side?VideoHelp! My Cat Has a Terminal Illness. Should I Cancel My European Tour to Stay by His Side?100150715006Emily YoffeDear Prudencehttp://www.slate.com/articles/video/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_video_obligation_to_a_dying_cat.htmlfalsefalsefalse#DearPrudie: Help! My cat is slowly dying. Should I cancel Europe to stay with him?Dear Prudie: My cat, or my career?1519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t435422641900139263659900011519028539001AQ~~,AAAAAASoY90~,_gW1ZHvKG_2pKN0AJTySft1Irx-gT62t43542264190013926365990001Photo illustration by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photo by Olesya Kuznetsova/Shutterstock.Feline friend.