Search This Blog

Financial slump hits terror industry

Pakistani frontline terrorist organization, ISI, has toned down its terror forecast for the coming quarter in view of the prevailing slump in global financial markets. This was announced by the new ISI chief Lt-Gen Ahmed Shuja Pasha at a press conference organized in Lahore today to declare ISI’s midterm results.

The results indicate a decline in the number of terror incidents backed by ISI around the world. The only highlight of an otherwise lackluster year was the bombing of Indian embassy in Kabul carried out by ISI backed elements some months back. The number of terror incidents has declined by more than 50 percent as compared to the same period last year, while the number of terrorists exported onsite has come down by as much as 45 percent according to official figures released by the Pakistani government.

“We have had a really dull year and the pipeline seems to be drying up. But we are optimistic that we will tap into new sources of funding to make up for the loss of revenue from the Pakistani government”, Pasha said. Pakistani government, it may be noted, is currently stretching the begging bowl in front of china. The government it seems has blown away the billions of dollars received from USA and is now completely dependent on china to shore up its BoP position and pay for crucial imports.

Cost centers like the Taliban and subsidiaries like SIMI and HUJI have significantly eaten into ISI’s budget and there seems to be an element of desperation among ISI ranks to firm up the assets of the organization before expanding into new geographies.

Meanwhile the Pasha also announced that ISI will be hiving off some of its investments in various front organizations and concentrating only on its core business. The premier terror organization will offload a part of its stake in Taliban and HUJI to interested parties. ISI has hired the services of bankrupt investment bank Lay-Man Brothers for this purpose. ISI has also decided to terminate the services of over 2500 militants operating in Kashmir in order to streamline operations and reduce overhead costs.

ISI will now be directly using the services of Pakistani army for carrying out its nefarious plans. This move has however not gone down well with the militants who are said to have approached Musharraf to do a Murli Deora on Pasha and take back the sacked staff. Some of the militants were apparently sacked when they were waiting near their targets to blow themselves up. “Minutes before I was about to blow up near a target I got an SMS asking me to come and collect my severance pay. How can they do this to me and what about my future,” asked a militant who didn’t want to be named.

“The costs of explosives, manpower, arms and logistics have more than tripled in the last year and our funding has remained static. If this continues, we may collapse and the results could be bad for Pakistan,” Pasha warned. The ISI head has already met the Pakistani PM twice over the last week to press for more funding. “We are seeking a direct bailout and unless the government pays heed, Pakistan’s key export commodity will no longer be terror,” Pasha added.

ISI, it may be remembered has multiple businesses throughout Pakistan. It has interests in marketing opium, pirated bollywood cds, Chinese arms, nuclear technology and fissile material and human trafficking. Worried about possible fallout on its economy, Pakistani has pressed into service its economic citizen and India’s most wanted criminal Dawood Ibrahim to revitalize ISI. Dawood has been inducted into the ISI board as an independent director with special powers and has been tasked with the mission of reviving the once powerful organization that has trained the likes of Mullah Omar, Ramzi Yousef, Omar Sharif, Khalid Sheikh and the perpetrators of 9/11 attacks in the US.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Bangalore, according to our correspondent, is so dark during night that the sale of telescopes has shot up 160 percent in the city in the last two days alone. This is not to mention the mushrooming of many astronomy clubs in the city. With little light, the night sky appears bright with many constellations visible to the naked sky like never before and astronomy buffs are lapping it all up.

How did all this happen, you ask and here is the story. Bangalore is the only metro in India that has to bear over 5 powerless hours every single day. The situation is so bad that a few days back, a few Bangalore citizens promised to be more civic minded, if they were given more electricity and less powercuts.

"I admit the power situation has gone from grim to whatever is worse than grim. But I assure you, the situation will improve soon as we are negotiating purchase of 8000 MW of power from North Korea. Once this power arrives, powercuts will be history and I will be able to watch various …

A source close to Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan has told Humor Unplugged that he may offer a reaction to the episode this weekend. It may be remembered that as soon as the case grabbed the headlines of prominent page 3 glossies like Times of India, journos more yellow than pakoras dipped in turmeric had thronged his residence on 7 Tear Avenue hoping the star would offer some
soundbites. The journos had to return disappointed as Aamir was away in Jodhpur crying over an incident of trespass over private property that happened a month ago.

The source, who doesn’t want his name to be exposed, said that Aamir will cry on Saturday as the star has entered a phase of depression. “He was crying this Wednesday and Thursday so he wanted to take a break over this weekend but saw an ad for a slipper and started wailing. But he became even more depressed as news came that Indrani had tried to bump of Sheena Bora’s brother too. He became really depressed and wanted to cry on Sunday itself but Ki…