Happy Wednesday morning! I had another special time at Morning Watch, even though there were a couple of glitches getting started. It’s such a special time for me, in the secret place with God. I know I’ve said it before, but I must say it again; it’s not’s a duty, it’s not a chore, it’s my pleasure to spend the early Wednesday morning hour in fellowship with the Lover of my soul, and those who are lovesick for Him. This morning was particularly healing for me, singing songs that have been lifting my soul and bringing me through everything.

I had a dream last week…not a bad dream, but waking up to the devastating truth that it was not real brought back all my first feelings of sorrow and grief of having lost my baby. I dreamed that I was having a baby and woke up just as I was about to deliver. And even though there were silly, nonsensical happenings in the dream, it felt utterly real – so real that I was completely dazed when I woke up. But then the weight of reality hit me like a hammer: It’s not real. I no longer have a baby. I lost her. And I heard again the words that the doctor had spoken to me, “Amanda, there’s no heartbeat.” I immediately got an aching tightness in my chest and it was hard to breathe, and I thought that I was going to burst with sobbing so I quickly got out of bed and went downstairs. All I could think was, “Why, God, would you let me dream that?” And as I sat there with my cries trapped in deep in my chest, and feeling like letting go and giving up, I heard the words of a Jon Thurlow song:

It’s not so much that I’m holding on, but that I’m being held on to. And just when my heart would faint, He is here with His rod and His staff and comforts me. He is with me in the night, in the valley of weeping, turning it all to joy. He doesn’t just give me mercy; He is Mercy. He is Joy, and He is Love, and alive in me. When I can’t find strength, strength finds me. And “I’m holding on to the love that has laid hold of me.”

Like this:

The smell of rain* waves crashing on my toes* watching the birds outside my window* Judah’s hand on my face* the sun on my back* the wind on my face* Jason’s hand on the small of my back* the taste of homemade vanilla ice cream* the smell of lilies* reading a book in bed during a rainstorm* the feeling I get after watching a good movie* the baby smell* the sunrise* the sunset* a rainbow* any kind of baby animal* the smell of clean linen* the warmth of Jason’s body when I’m cold at night* the pair of doves that nest in our yard* floating in water while I’m pregnant* the smell of oranges* Judah’s voice in the morning* Kyle* Kayla* Keri*Jacob* holding hands with my husband* the sound of Christmas morning at my mom and dad’s house* driving in the car with really good music and really good friends* the smell of coffee* staying up late at camp* coming home to a clean house* looking up at the stars on a clear summer night* the smell of a swimming pool in the summer* sharing girl moments with my sister while in the hot tub* sitting in my daddy’s lap* the phone call with my mom every day* waiting for Jason at the door when he comes home* the way my brother-in-law looks at my sister* white billowy clouds in a beautiful blue sky* laughing with my baby brother*Arabella’s hair*Judah’s eyes* Justice face* jamming with Brandon*walking along the shoreline*the way Judah says “Sis Sis”*the way Justice squeals at Judah and Bella*the way they all laugh together* how excited they get over simple things* the way they squeeze in between me & Jason when we hug* and how generous they are with their loving affection…these are a few of my favorite things…may they keep my heart ever turned towards you God, for you are in everything