D.O.A. (1950): "I want to report a murder." "Who was murdered?" "I was." One of the great "grabber" openings in movie history doesn't disappoint, leading to a tense and fatalistic noir about a poisoned accountant searching for his killer. 4.5/5.

Logged

"Clive [Barker]'s idea of a great time is to have a nightmare about a woman with three heads and no skin who flays your body with a pitchfork. To give you some idea, NIGHTBREED has over 200 pus monsters, including one guy with a crescent moonhead like the McDonald's commercial and a fat guy with snakes that pop out of his stomach and eat your face off, and these are the GOOD GUYS. These are the people we're supposed to LIKE."-Joe Bob on NIGHTBREED

Alien 2: On Earth (1980) - Italian thing made to capitalize on the popularity of Alien and hopefully fool people into thinking it's a sequel. It'll take you about 5 seconds to figure out it's not. We begin with some miscellaneous stock footage of an Apollo mission, mostly from the control room. Meanwhile a woman who explores caves is giving a TV interview but seems to experience a bad headache - but actually she's psychic and picking up vibes or some damned thing. Then for the next half hour absolutely nothing happens. Her and her friends drive around in their Jeep Wagoneer while pleasant acoustic guitar music plays. They go to the bowling alley and we watch them bowl for ten minutes. Eventually they get to a cave and climb down into it. Some rock which is obviously a piece of rubber comes to life or something and takes the form of turkey giblets like this

except covered in ketchup. The giblets jump on people, but not until we get what seems like hours of footage of people shining their flashlights around on stalagmites and stalactites. We even get the world's slowest camera pan - about 90 seconds to turn the camera 90 degrees. During this part of the movie we get music that sounds like, well, my wife kept saying "Time to roller boogie!" Eventually we see the monster in its most menacing form - turkey giblets on a stick

Egads. This thing is like 15 minutes of movie and 75 minutes of padding. The characters are totally undeveloped, the ending is completely unexplained, the whole thing is boring to the point of pain. 1.25/5.

Count Dracula (Adam Sandler) has set up a thriving monsters-only resort business at his castle, but its secrecy may be jeopardized when a dim-bulb human backpacker stumbles into the place and takes a shine to Drac's daughter.

Entertaining kids' stuff with a decent voice cast (Sandler, Steve Buscemi, Kevin James, Fran Drescher, etc.) that's good for a few chuckles. I've seen better but I've seen worse.

David Hasselhoff plays Marvel Comics' one-eyed, cigar-chomping super-agent in this "so bad it's good" TV movie. Nick's been retired from S.H.I.E.L.D. for five years but is called back to active duty when the terrorist group HYDRA, led by "Viper" (daughter of the late Baron von Strucker), begins plotting a virus attack on Manhattan.

The Hoff and the gal playing Lady von Strucker look like they're having fun, but the sets are cheap, the action sequences aren't very impressive and the dialogue is just...ugh. On the other hand, Nick's sidekick "Contessa Valentina" (played by Lisa Rinna of Melrose Place fame) fills out those skin tight S.H.I.E.L.D. leather battle suits nicely.

Fun fact: the movie's script was written by David Goyer, who would go on to write the Dark Knight trilogy. ..which proves everybody's gotta start someplace.

Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955): Abbott and Costello are bumbling around in Egypt hoping to find a way back to the States when they stumble upon a murder scene, a famed archeologist named Dr. Zoomer has been killed and sure enough, eventually the authorities get the mistaken idea that Abbott and Costello's characters are responsible. In their quest to prove their innocence and maintain their freedom, they inevitably stumble across a cult worshipping a living mummy named Klaris.

This was pretty silly stuff, more silly than the norm for A & C. The jokes feel somewhat tired and this story feels like it's retreading much too familiar territory. Funniest bits probably involve three mummies, Abbott dressed as one, a crook dressed as another and of course then there's Klaris (obviously a knock off of Kharis) and the inevitable mistaken identity that ensues. Still this proves somewhat disappointing although I enjoyed all the stuff featuring Klaris the Mummy so it wasn't all bad. *** out of ***** stars.

Three students discover a strange device in the shape of a coffin that enables the user to experience life after death for one full minute. At first things are exciting and everybody's feeling fine, but soon enough a dark force is taking over causing terror and death amongst the friends.

Pretty original indie-horror even though the plot outline is lifted directly from Ghost (1990) and Flatliners (1990). This movie is very low budget and has that certain amateurish feel, but it is nicely shot and the f/x are actually decent. The characters are colorful but not very sympathetic, but acting is fine in general for a movie made on a shoestring budget. 3.5/5

The Lonely Lady (1983)

Pia Zadora plays a promising young writer trying to make it in Hollywood. In order to get her script made into a movie she must endure sexism, discrimination, rude people in general and the impotence of her older husband. Soon enough she's on her own but still not able to cut it. She ends up having sex with strange men and women, has an abortion and a mental breakdown. After recovery her autobiographical script is made into a movie and she is honored with an award. Well, a second award. The first one looked like a penis according to Ray Liotta playing a sleaze who turns on the water hose on Pia Zadora.

Yep, it's the legendary water hose movie. This multiple razzie winner was actually a first time viewing for me, and I loved it. Everything is here that should please bad movie lovers: corny theme song, trippy/hallucinogenic meltdown, Pia Zadora naked, Pia Zadora dancing, Pia Zadora blushing, Pia Zadora screaming, Pia Zadora telling her mom that she wants to sleep with her older future husband. Pia Zadora's real life older rich husband bankrolled her career and I'm thankful for that. What would be the 80s without Pia? Nothing! 4.5/5

Marina Monster (2008) - two yacht clubs are going to have a big race in a few days, but before that happens the son of the head of one yacht club is involved with the daughter of the head of the other yacht club - it's just like Romeo and Juliet Oh and there's a plastic shark floating around in the marina that, well, we're supposed to assume it eats people. Everybody keeps falling off the pier you see; first one person falls off, then someone tries to help them and they fall off, and then the camera shakes which for some reason causes any remaining people to fall in as well. This is real Z-grade junk, probably as cheap and stupid as you can make a movie without Lloyd Kaufman's name appearing somewhere in the credits. I kind of got a kick out of it though. I dunno, must have been in a weird mood lol. 3.5/5.

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988) - a guy goes to Haiti to discover the secret of the stuff the voodoo priests use to turn people into zombies. He gets involved with the usual voodoo stuff, and the local police chief is also after him because there's a revolution brewing and he doesn't want any foreigners around for some reason. There was some kind of cool imagery towards the end of this, but other than that it was just your run of the mill voodoo movie. The main character was uninteresting and un-everything, I think that really killed my interest in it. 2.5/5.

Howling V: The Rebirth (1989) - old favorite of mine. A group of people go to a Hungarian castle that's been abandoned for 500 years - ever since the guy who owned it killed his entire family in an effort to end a werewolf curse. But now this new bunch of people is there and sure enough, they start turning up with their throats ripped out. I really like the atmosphere of this and the characters are all pretty good too. Kind of an interesting plot as well. 4/5.

Wow Jack, I'm impressed. I still haven't gotten through it. Every scene is exactly the same: a conversation about nothing with dopey sexual innuendo. It just goes on and on like that. The motif of "father, I mean Commander whatever" is played absolutely to death. they must do it 78 times. help/5

Wow Jack, I'm impressed. I still haven't gotten through it. Every scene is exactly the same: a conversation about nothing with dopey sexual innuendo. It just goes on and on like that. The motif of "father, I mean Commander whatever" is played absolutely to death. they must do it 78 times. help/5

THE MALTESE FALCON (1941): A knockout dame walks into Sam Spade's office with what should be a simple job, but soon stiffs are turning up as an exotic cast of characters shows up, all looking for the fabulous Maltese Falcon. Quite possibly the greatest film noir movie; the principal cast is miraculously good, with Humphrey Bogart basically creating the cinematic private eye archetype out of whiskey, smoke, quick fists and quicker wits. 5/5.

Logged

"Clive [Barker]'s idea of a great time is to have a nightmare about a woman with three heads and no skin who flays your body with a pitchfork. To give you some idea, NIGHTBREED has over 200 pus monsters, including one guy with a crescent moonhead like the McDonald's commercial and a fat guy with snakes that pop out of his stomach and eat your face off, and these are the GOOD GUYS. These are the people we're supposed to LIKE."-Joe Bob on NIGHTBREED

3 Ninjas (1992): Three American children (ninja code names Rocky [Michael Treanor], Colt [Max Elliott Slade] and Tum Tum [Chad Power]) are trained by their Asian grandfather Mori [Victor Wong] in the skills of martial arts. Eventually Grandpa and the kids become the target of a criminal mastermind named Hugo Synder (Rand Kingsley) who wants the boys' FBI agent father off his trail.

This film is great fun in a guilty pleasure sort of way. It's cheesy as all get out at times and isn't particularly realistic and believable at others yet it's so much great fun watching these kids kicking butt kung fu style. Of course it helps that the ninja henchmen here are typically completely inept. The funniest scenes though feature the moronic Bill & Ted-esque would-be kidnappers lead by a buffoon named Fester. More entertaining than one expects it to be and appropriate for all ages too. ***1/2 out of ***** stars

Despicable Me (2010): A criminal mastermind named Gru (voiced by Steve Carrell) suddenly finds himself pushed aside as the greatest villain of his kind by a nerdy newcomer named Vector (voiced by Jason Segel). Undeterred and wanting to reprove his superiority, Gru adopts a new plan designed to impress - he plots to steal the moon! However in order to get his scheme to come to fulfillment, he finds he must unexpectedly adopt three orphan girls in order to carry through his grandiose scheme.

This was a lot of fun. It made me laugh out loud several times and I had a general great time overall. In fact, it kind of had me feeling like a kid again. In the end, it proves a rather sweet movie, it's only major flaw being no serious consequences surrounding the moon being removed makes it seem even more far-fetched not that it wasn't already somewhat in that fantasy realm already. Sometimes it also feels a tad predictable but really just a tad. Overall, I really loved this one. **** out of ***** stars.