Ancient Tales of a Kingdom not Unlike One You Know

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Following the day of Shiwajunfest, news reached the Chronicler that the Tword had found another soul worthy of the divine revelations of unchill. But it seemed this secret chronicler did not in fact know that he had been imbued of the Tword.

The secret chronicler received Tword of Asos, daughter of Gambrach, to whom her husband Noodlinho had now done what Dinobetes Mellitus had threatened to do to Remy Ma, wife of Shiwajun – behold, he had known her and she was with child. And thus was it chronicled by the secret chronicler –

“Only Noodlinho and his wife, Asos, know what it is about their union that drives them to perpetuate one of the most enviable and durable signs of love. They got married last year in a savor of celebritine ceremony. And to prove their commitment, abiding love for each other, and to increase the population of the Kingdom, Asos, we gathered is expecting Noodlinho’s baby. Casting a probing look at the ever reticent Asos when sighted at an event recently, it was glaring to all wandering eyes that she has been noticeably put on a 9-month maternal course by ‘Linho through a legitimate conjugal collaboration. Looking so robust and bigger than her pre-marital figure, the widely acknowledged self-disciplined lady was cynosure of all eyes as onlookers turned their attention on her and began to make some biological permutations.” [He has such a way with words, this secret chronicler.]

Thus was it said of the secret chronicler, “Blessed is he that chronicles without knowing that he chronicles, for out of his quill poureth pure bants.”

In the Crescent Lakes kingdom of King Yade-Ben, after much houdini and alapeanutbuttersandwiches, the time came for the Coinage of Telepathic Apparitional Manifestations (also known as the Coinage of Stalgmighty Stalctites) to be passed into law. The CrescentLakian senatii had read the increadible coinage of fantasy, knowing full well that to achieve this coinage of supremest deficit, Yade-Ben would have to be a miracle-working king of kings. Wherefore they renamed him Yezus.

Behold, as the hour of promulgation drew nigh, the king closed his eyes and raised his hand into the air. The CrescentLakian royal quill was handed to him, and a strong wind began to blow in the auditorium. “Brethren CrescentLakians, this arrogant coinage of hope is an ambiguous expression of your mood. It is historic and euphoric. It is a counterintuitive deficit to definitely fix it. Behold, I append my glorious seal of razzmatazz and bombastic opprobrium.”

A lightning bolt fell from the heavens and then there was calm. “It is done!” proclaimed the Chief Griot. “All hail the king!”

Yezus wept.

Lady Kem-Shun, Gambrach’s Councillor for the Coin, heard of the proceedings in Crescent Lakes and thought to examine the Kingdom’s vaults, to see how much remained. She drew her abacus and after a few beads, she was convinced something was amiss. “Whaaagwan inna dis place, mate? Hath Ser Magoo, head of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission not brought forth all that he recovereth? Dis a wasteman ting!” But Magoo unlooked.

In Bedrock, Gambrach summoned his Spinning Quills, for he had an announcement of the utmost importance to make to them. “Scribes, I have decided that I will put myself forward in contention at electoralis federalis.”

“Sire,” said Gar Bar, with some caution, “but what about the 3 horsemen of the Kakocalypse – Shegolas, Gi Dah and Dan Jumanji have all turned against thee…”

“Aye. But there remaineth one horseman yet – Dool Shalom. He may yet be swayed. And if he be swayed, he may yet sway the other 3. And even if he not be swayed, I am Gambrach. I am King. I am 10 million underaged ballots in the gaddem bank, gaddemmit!”

“Hail our beloved King!” proclaimed Gyretta and Bee Ree.

“Good, good.” said Gambrach. “Now tell them to ready the winged Chariot.”

“Art thou going into the land to tell the people? Into South Easteros to win over the forlorn of the Ipobusinian mischief makers?” asked FemCallamitus.

“Geez, no way man! That’s what I have you guys for. Quillers should get to quilling. I’m off to Jandinia, biyotches!”

“But Majesty,” said Bee Ree, the Chorgasm meeting isn’t for another 10 days…”

Gambrach smiled and said, “Estacode, baby! And if I decide to make an early detour to see the meisters, obu gini any bagger’s consain? Peace out.”

And as Gambrach left in his winged chariot, a delirious spirit descended upon FemCallamitus and he entered into Social Mediania and began to prophesy –

“Behold the ancient words, ever true, written by the Prophet Terrgee, for me and you, deep down in the lungu of the Zanga. Take heed, any that would run against Gambrach in electoralis, can they run faster than the wind? Can they flow faster than a river? Can they rise higher than a mountain? Nay! Hear the words of the Prophet Terrgee yet again, ‘thou canst only run, run, run, run, past Gambrach G, if thou runnest mad!”

And the people heard it. And there was no gaddem chill in the kingdom.

The clouds of sexit continued to swirl over Dinobetes Mellitus. But the name of Abushola was a strong tower – the frighteous run into it and yea, they are saved. And Dinobetes loved Abushola with all his might – even more might than with which he flung Abushola into the air following his triumph at Conductivitis.

At the following sitting of the Senatii, where the senateens considered various matters afflicting the Kingdom (for the pretense of the pretend-reign of Pretend King Osinoshin had yea and thence become a long thing), they considered the petition of the Kogitarians against Dinobetes.

Deputy Warden Equerry Mah-Doo rose up to address the senateens and said unto them, “Fellow Nassholes! Lend me you ears. I come to bury Bellows, not to praise him. The evil that Bellows does will live long after him if we do not quash it straightaway. For behold, if Bellows shall bellow Mellitus away, what shall become of us? Senateens, I do move that we block this gaddem thing!”

“Thou hast spoken well, Equerry Mah-Doo”, said Abushola, “for the success of Bellows might embolden the puppet king I installed in Kwarapotamia. We shall not just block the gaddem thing. We shall kill it and lo, it shall be dead on arrival.”

And then another one of the Nassholes stood up, by the name of Nzuzu Iberibe. “Yo, fellow senateens, as long as we be the ones who taketh charge, shall we not also take charge of the whole gaddem kingdom? I move that we make Abushola the Theatrical Pretend King of the kingdom in place of Pretend King Osinoshin.”

Yea, were the senateens visibly excited by the prospect. But Abushola was a man of timing. “Chill niccurs. This ain’t the time. Though ye knowest that the throne is the ultimate desire of my heart but take ye heed that whoever rusheth to grab it may yet get his hands burnt. Or worse, cut off, in a fit of Wahala Morghulis.”

And while they chilled in senatii, there was no gaddem chill in the entire Kingdom, for the people were amazed at the gall of the nassholes.

Yet, Dinobetes was not satisfied and he instructed Michaelangelo, his mighty learned man of silk, to extract injuctio dawonduro before the magistrate. But the magistrate was not prepared to change the status quo. And lo, the Commisar of Electoralis carried on uninterrupted and in House Mellitus there was no gaddem chill.

Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Gideria, King Ambasalom was doing his best to transform the Kingdom into a megakingdom. Behold, all those of minds that were not daily renewed unto megakingdomness, yea did he smash their dwelling places and cast them into the lagoon. Gideria was going to be a megakingdom gaddemmit, and like his brother King Roe Chazz in Imolek, Ambsalom was spoiling with Giderians with utmost in infrastructural kingdomhood. But the people of Gideria were unmindful of the words of King Ree Yah of Zamfarawayland of the dangers of excessive fornication. And as they revelled, they fornicated and fornicated until their fornicatometer passed the spiritual watermark of 40 forns. And the gawds were displeased with the Giderians and looked through their rolodex of plagues for which one to send unto them. And brethren, homygheeeeeurd, it rained and poured and there was a flood upon the land. But Ambasalom was unbothered, for as far as he was concerned, his Kingdom was one of aquatic splendor and yeah he poppeth the best casks of ale at the wedding of the the children of King Ku Mo of Ogunsinia and Bee Ree, Gambrach’s advisor for Those Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom. And yea, it was turnt!

And while all this transpired, another senateen from the kingdom of Dunamis, sworn arch-enemy and arch-rival of King El-Farquaad, looked upon the affairs of the kingdom and overcome by the spirit of the tword, sang a lamentation unto the Kingdom, which was recorded in the Book of Faces.

“KAAAAASSSUUUUNNNNWENYAAAAAA YAMAYEEE SEEEMABBOOOO!!!!”

And the Social Medianites were like, “Say what, now?”

But the spirit was strong with the senateen, whose name was Dr Shey Who (or Dr Who for short). And he lamented again, “NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABAAAAAA!!!”

The people were still confused. But then Dr Who sang in the common tongue thus –

“From the day he arrived in the Palace and thinking he’d end corruption, there was more to see than he ever did see, more to do than our Gambrach has done…

“And now the jackals and hyenas and their wives – the hyenanas – are praying in doubt, when before they would shout, now scheming how to take the throne…

“It’s the circle of weak!!! Which our Lion King will return to destroy and he’ll bring us joy. Yes he’ll take his place in the path unwinding…”

And Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach the Vanished, saw the song in the Book of Face and herself began to prophesy. “Dry bones do live again, the prayers of the dog and baboon have been answered. The Lion King returneth and no longer shall he be called Gambrach the Vanished. He shall come back with the gift of the roar, descending with his Lion Guard, and his new name shall be Kion-Gambrach. And he shall put to shame Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First and all the sissy girls on Disney Junior. Behold, he shall chase the jackals and hyenas out of the Pride Lands. And the glory of Mufassa shall be risen upon him. Selah. ANYAMANISI NABABAII.”

Brethren, ye knoweth the ending of the chronicle. Yes, indeed, the people looked around themselves in utter amazement and complete loss of chill. Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom.

Lo brethren, a black spot of Wahala Morghulis had been delivered to Abushola and yea was a voice raised against him in Conductivitis and behold the Warden of senatii was charged with crimes of declarations in anticipation of milk and honey.

Yea, did the travails of Abushola linger and behold he tried his utmost to have the charges quashed. Daily he appealed the continuation of proceedings, alleging “whenst Shiwajun came before thee, didst thou not grant him the benefit of explicatio nigbatimensis? Why wouldest thou not extend me the same courtesy? Am I not also of ruling stock?”

Wherefore Shiwajun cackled and the furnace of the Wahala Morghulis was stoked.

And again, Abushola would petition all the courts in the land, repeatedly beseeching the magistrates for a way out of the Wahala. And again, they would send him back to Conductivitis. “Thou shalt answer for thine anticipation of milk and honey.” And Abushola did not relent. Yea was he relentless in seeking to avert justice, for nearly 24 moons.

Finally the day of judgement was at hand. The quills of the Kalahari Newsbearers told of clandestine meetings and facilitations between the men of Abushola and the heads of Conductivitis. Behold, Abushola was pronounced relieved of his duty to defend himself, as the prosecutors, ably supported with testimony from the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, were held not to have established a gaddem thing.

Behold, there was no chill in the land, as across the land, the death knell was sounded again for the battle of Gambrach against graft. But the heart of Dinobetes Mellitus was full and joyous, for he was a great stan for Abushola. And yea, did he pick Abushola up and throw him into the air – for it was said that he was well-practiced in human projectility.

And Abushola’s head squire, Banksamakemdance came into the streets with news of the attempted perversion by Worh Ray of the Kalahari Newsbearers. Yea, did he allege that Worh Ray had sent emissaries to demand one million trumpetistani shekels to recolour the news they bore of Abushola.

Behold, all the Twillistians and Social Medianites shouted in acclaim of Banksamakemdance, “Awhoo! Awhoo!! Awhoo!!!”

It was in this time, or thereabouts, that Gar Bar, scribe of Gambrach, long since in a purdah of silence, emerged to declare a message from the King. Or from the office of the King. Or from the bed of the King clothed in his brown robes of convalescence and his white cap of mystical holiness in Jandinia. Or from somewhere purporting to be associated with the King. For the people had not heard directly from the King in over 6 moons.

“Behold the proclamation of King Gambrach, most divine majesty, conqueror of all afflictions including the Many Years disease, that the unsigned coinage of the Kingdom is most unbeneficial to the affairs of the Kingdom. Yea is the Kingdom halfway through its pecuniary year and behold have we been side-tracked in our most holy crusade against unclean graft. And now, the King giveth his permission to Osinoshin, who remains only the Pretend King, to endorse the coinage.”

Then, Pretend King Osinoshin signed the coinage of the kingdom. And it was a great day of pomp and ceremony. And the golden quill of coinage signing of Bedrock was retrieved from its holy ensconcement. And the naysayers proclaimed, “Aha! All ye who seek Gambrach on the pretext that the Pretend King doth not pretend sufficiently. Behold his glorious signage of the coinage. Leave ye our Gambrach to convalesce in peace!”

But the people asked again, “Where is King Gambrach?”

And a famous man known as Thankful Peacock of Charr Knells also asked the question of Lar Yi. “O, Lar Yi, Councillor for the Propaganda, where stayeth our king?”

“His wife returneth anon from Jandinia, and she proclaimeth him in good recovery. And verily I say unto ye that I believe her.”

Thankful Peacock pressed further. “But doth thou know his condition? Is it the Many Years Affliction? The people deserve to know!”

“I know now except what his wife sayeth. And also that Osinoshin maketh contact with him daily.”

“Oh wow. Daily?”

“Yes! The Pretend King and the Vanished King converse daily!”

“Oh, tremendous. If the Vanished speaketh to the Pretence, perhaps he might yet speak to his people.”

“Let us watch and pray.”

And yea, as they watched, news came from the mini-olympiad in Oz-Low, not very far off from Jandinia, that a lady athlete from the Kingdom was contesting in the Jumpathon. Behold, she was a big blessing unto the Kingdom for many years and her name was Kah Ray. And Kah Ray ran for the jumpathon with tremendous speed, some say propelled by a special breath from Gambrach in nearby Jandinia. And yea, Gambrach breathed too hard, for the breath propelled her forward, but not the wig with which she covered her head. Gheeeurd, did the wig fall backwards as she landed. And man, there was no gaddem chill across the many kingdoms of the world.

There continued to be a mild discontentment in the land as the people heard not from their king. During his previous visits to the Janidinian meisters, there would be a flurry of visits from his courtiers and councillors, Shiwajun and Yeesha, and so on, all of whom would return with images of King Gambrach in his armor of Jandinia – his brown robe of convalescence and white cap of mystical holiness.

Yea, the Lovenger Scribes were silent. FemCallamitus had already written many Magnificats and Gar Bar had retreated into Pur Dah. Lay Si asked the sons of men who the Haramites would have stood for in electoralis, to the consternation of the people, but there was word from Lar Yi.

“The King remaineth in full control of the Kingdom. He speaketh to his council daily, even unto me. We come to the garden while the dew is still on the roses and voice we hear falling on our ear our lovely king disposes – and he walks with us and he talks with us and he tells us we are his own” he said.

“Then why speaketh he not with us?” the people asked Lar Yi.

“Well, maybe ye are not his own.” replied Lar Yi, full of sycophantic fervour.

And in that day came a man named Car Knoo. Car Knoo had returned from exile in Jandinia to raise a new tribe called the Ipobusites. And yea, was he a prophet, priest and leader unto his followers. Behold, he called for the land in the East of the South to be removed from the Kingdom, as it was sought to be in the day of Joo Kwoo.

For this, the Deliverance Squad Squadron delivered him into the dark dungeons of Kee Ree for 12 months, with only a semblance of a trial. Thrice did the magistrate order that he be released on bail and thrice did all the forces of the kingdom unlook. And yea, finally, in the vanishment of Gambrach from the kingdom, Car Knoo was released. And the Ipobusites rejoiced at the release of their prophet and high priest.

The other inhabitants of the kingdoms in the East of the South looked on in amazement at the growing tribe of the Ipobusites. Behold, the Ipobusinian priest called for all in the lands to observe a Frabanian Sabbath and not put hand to the plough, or seed in the soil, or seed in the hoo-ha. Yea, did all comply, Ipobusite and non-Ipobusite alike.

This thoroughly vexed the young Rewan men in the North, for Gambrach, their own High Priest and Saviour King was gone and it looked as if the kingdom would fall into the hands of Oshinoshin. And so they declared persona non grata all personas born in the East of the South of the Kingdom. It bore an uncanny resemblance to the season of Joo Kwoo and the Great Frabanian War.

And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

Lo, the people cried against the Rewanian Proclamation. “Oh, if only King Gambrach were here to unleash the dog and the baboon on these Rewanian Youths! Where is our King?”

And as sure as the sun riseth, the Lovengers lined up to defend the throne. “Why cry ye for Gambrach, when he handeth over the kingdom to Pretend-King Osinoshin?”

“But Osinoshin pretendeth too much and taketh the pretence too seriously. He pretendeth so much that he signeth not the coinage nor sweareth in the emissaries to foreign lands, nor the new councillors. Yea, tis as if this is an episode of whose line is it anyway? Is Gambrach still in Jandinia?”

Behold, at that very moment in Jandinia, Mei-Mei, the Queen’s first minister, leader of the Conservatories, full of the spirit of hubris, declared electoralis upon the kingdom. So sure was she of victory, that she freely mocked Kor Bin, leader of the Laboratti. And yea, was there a gaddem ripple throughout the cosmos, as Kor Bin and the Laboratti made gains and reduced Mei-Mei’s seats of strength and stability.

And the Lovengers of the Gambrachian provinces lamented with the Conservatories, saying, “if only Gambrach had appeared to Mei-Mei in his brown robe of convalescence and white cap of mystical holiness, yea would he have bestowed upon her his Katsinian and Kanonic voter magic to ensure her victory”. Alas, he was nowhere to be seen. And the people cried out yet again, “Where is our King? Is he even in Jandinia?”

And the Prophet Car Knoo spoke to the people saying, “it mattereth not whether thy king liveth in Jandinia or here or not. For my kingdom is at hand. And it shall be a great and awesome kingdom, never before seen. It shall bring a sabbath of awesomeness unto the land. Tremendous, like the Trumpet. Frabania lives – in Joo Kwoo, in me and in you! Behold, I have said it.”

“My Lord the king is slow to hear, because of his affliction with the Many Years’ Disease, but the moment he heareth, behold he swingeth into action.”

These were the words of one of the many bards of King Gambrach. And yea, did the words come to pass with the King’s banishment of Balavida from his council. The King had finally read of the curious case of corruptio korikonensis and kwarapta intrusivo and had recanted his infamous Balavidan epistle. And yea, it was FemCallamitus, now shorne of his Kingsleycostlian euphoria that brought the news to the people that Gambrach has commanded his Hand, Osinoshin, to head the inquisition into the unfortunate grass species that prevented succour from reaching those that had been displaced by the cursed tribe of Boko.

And lo, was there another that was banished from the kingdom and marked for inquisition by Osinoshin. His name was Okey-Dokey and he was head of the kingdom’s league of espions. Why was he banished? Well, brethren, it was to do with that ancient prophet Flowing Rider again. For yea, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission blew down the doors of a castle in the ancient city of Koh Yi.

As the Everlies swarmed the seventh bravo chamber of the castle, they came upon nought that the Brotherhood of the Blowing Whistles had promised. And then the spirit of another ancient prophet, Oceanic Billy, came upon Magoo and he screamed, “TEAR DOWN THESE WALLS!” And lo, behind the walls were caverns. And yea, when the caverns were smashed was there revealed an almighty haul of tremendous coinage, totalling 47 million Trumpetistani shekels.

GADDDDEEEEMMMMMMM!!!!

Brethren, the unchill that followed was so severe that the Everlies counting the haul broke out in severe perspiratory malaise. Never had the people seen so much coinage in flesh. Even in the famous dramatisation entitled “Coinage Speaketh” featuring the great actors Christopher Tuckerson and Jackson Chan-El5, when the bad guys demanded the 50 million shekels, Tuckerson exclaimed, “who thinkest thou that thou kidnappest? Vauxhall Hallmark?”

And the people demanded in their extreme unchill, “who owneth the seventh bravo chamber?” And speculatio randumus ensued. Some said it belonged to Rotimachus, others said it belonged to Mooh Azooh, former Head of House Padipalia. Some said it belonged to “special friend” of Rotimachus and very quickly Moprah Budfrey came into Twilistia denying that she was a special friend of Rotamachus or that he bequeathed the seventh bravo chamber to her, or that she even owned the seventh bravo chamber. And all believed her, so like Christo Fresh, they said, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh! Yeah!

Behold, Mooh Azooh also claimed absolutely no knowledge of the ownership of the seventh bravo chamber. First he disavowed the the castle but his disavowment of the castle was quickly disavowed by they who built the castle. So, Mooh Azooh returned to admit that the castle was built at his behest. “People of the Kingdom, tis true I disavowed the castle but yea, did I lie. For the castle was built at my behest but lo, did I not have coin to repay the bank that lendeth me the money. And lo, did they repo my ass. Behold, I own now only a fraction of the castle and knoweth not who owneth the seventh bravo chamber.”

And yea, did 72 hours pass and the ownership of the chamber remain a mystery. Finally, the league of espions laid claim to the vast coin declaring, this money belongeth to our league, for our operations most very covert and down-low. Selah and let it be.

But Gambrach was neither a fan of the Beatles or Paul McCartney and he wouldst not let it be. “In this time of recessio economicus this vast amount of Trumpetistani coin exists without my knowledge???”

And Okey-Dokey replied him, “Your Grace, the clue existeth in the words ‘covert’ and ‘down-low’, bruh. Our league of espions is on a most clandestine mission and the Magoorian Everlies have compromised us.”

“Thou compromisest me, Okey-Dokey!!!” exclaimed Gambrach in royal frustration. “I shall be compromised no further. Summon Osinoshin!” And thus, were Balavida and Okey-Dokey banished from the Kingdom until Osinoshin determined their culpability.

The winds of Malabootay still blew across the land, with foreign scribes accusing King Gejoshaphat of enriching himself unlawfully, to which he replied, “my intercontinental stature riseth and this troubleth you. Haters gon’ hate, ballers gon’ ball and I feel pity for you all.” Semen from the play of Beegue Braw Thurr was not receiving due ostracisement for his molestations, Gambrach had forgone 2 meetings of the council of the kingdom for what Lar Yi termed ‘lighter affairs’. Of course, there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

From the days of Ser Lee Sou, the warden of the junior senateens, the Scrolls of the Kingdom suffereth violence and the Lords of the Realm yinmued it by force. Selah.

– Chronicles of Chill, Chapter 41, verse 9.

Verily, I say unto thee brethren, that the demon Missingstopheles (of which ye have heard in a previous chapter), the mischievous sprite of peculiar vanishments, was particularly fond of the Lords of the Realm. Ser Lee Sou was a young man, full of grace and fair of face but his wardenship was short-lived because Missingstopheles had vanished all record of Ser Lee Sou’s attendance at the Citadel of Roan Toe and his Scroll Bacalauratum was never to be seen again..

Yea, while the demon was at the Citadel of Roan Toe, it also beheld the Scroll Bacalauratum of Shiwajun and for a while, it toyed with its existence. First it was there and then it was not, and there was no gaddem chill until it sort of came back. For who dare question the scroll of Shiwajun?

Behold, Missingstopheles, full of testicular fortitude, descended on the scroll of Gambrach vanishing all his scrolls, even the scroll de minimis, causing much embarrassed explanation by the King. For he was a senior man of Gunn and had once been king, so how dare anyone suggest the scroll was not there? But it was Missingstopheles, you see. He made sure the scrolls were missing.

The tsunami of the missingness of scrolls swept even into the house of Gejoshaphat, vanishing the magnum opus written in pursuance of his Scroll de Doctora. Behold, the haters searched high and low for the magnum opus but Missingstopheles had vanished it too. Or it had been kept in the kingdom’s archives as a testament to the cerebro-cranial power of King Gejoshaphat. But that which the people believeth is the former. Selah.

Lo, Missingstopheles wreaked reputational havoc wherever he went. Lo, he even vanished the replica of King Snoop Neffy Neff of Deltonia, before he was carried away to Jandinia in captivity. Yea, he had even vanished Wen Rem, the twin brother of Wen Rems, who was also briefly Warden of the Senate before Chewba-Ka. But, aswerraghad, the demon neverhessperredit when he dared to vanish the scrolls of Dinobetes Melitus.

And so it was that Missingtopheles went after the 3 most prized scrolls of Dinobetes, from the citadels at Ravadium, Jandinia and Zah-Reeyah. And yea, after the scrolls were vanished, he that vanished them blew news of their state of non-existence to the Journos of the Kalahari. The Kalahari Journos went to town proclaiming, “Dinobetes lyeth about his scrolls!”

Behold, at first, Dinobetes sought to laugh it off, for he was a deep and profound man, not given to frivolities, but the Kalaharins resurrected the Dead Red Pen of Ayedeeveedov and began to make markings, and draw signs and cause wonder. Yea, did the senateens summon the Master of the Rolls at the citadel of Zah-Reeyah to make known if it was truth or alternative truth that Dinobetes was enscrolled.

“Answer us this, Master of the Rolls, dost thou have Dinobetes of House Melitus in thy roll of the esncrolled?”

“Verily, I say unto thee” said the Master, “indeed we do, though he changeth his name. For then he was dubbed by the much uncooler appellation, Knee-Ell. Behold, his transswagerration into Dinobetes!”

“That settleth the matter!” said the satisfied senateens.

“Nay!” cried the the Kalahari Journos. “Behold our red circles and lines made by the lost Dead Red Pen of Ayedeeveedov! Ye knowest when the red line blings, it can only mean one thing! And regardez! Dinobetes performeth the Nsync dance before he taketh the scroll at Zah-Reeyah! Tis an impossibilitum!”

But Dinobetes had been vindicated by his peers. And he rejoiced. Yeah did he strip himself of his finery and came to the square of Twilistia in his loin cloth, his body covered in white war paint, and he sang and chanted a song of victory. “Behold, I am Dinobetes Melitus the great! I am the arrow of truth! I am he that darest to stand in defiance on the streets of Shiwajun! Let this be a lesson, that when a weakling decides to ensnare a warrior, he setteth himself up for the beating of his life. Selah, niccurs!”

And behold, there was laughter and mirth in the land, and the people forgot about the unchill for a little while.

First of all, a gloat with my learned friends. If they ever sneer at you, asking “What do lawyers really do? Why do you want to collect all that money? Isn’t it just to write ‘heretobefore’?”, wave this judgement in their faces. Good lawyers help clients avoid losing money by asking the right questions ahead of transactions.

Here’s the summary of the case. Fijabi Adebo Holdings Limited bought several cases of ‘soft drinks’ from the Nigerian Bottling Company PLC, makers of Coca-Cola, Fanta, Sprite and those feel-good adverts we see on TV from time to time. The company tried to export the drinks to the UK (yay, diaspora market) but the authorities there found the drinks not in compliance with EU regulation and destroyed them. Bad Market, as is sometimes said. Of course, this was a huge shock to the system of the company, not to mention the financial loss as well, all N15m or so of it. The company sought to recoup this loss by suing NBC and NAFDAC, the Nigerian food and drug regulator.

The company sought general damages of N150 million against NBC, for negligence/breach of duty of care, special damages of N15.1 million, being costs incurred as a result of said breach and N3 million as the cost of bringing the law suit. From the orders sought, as listed in the judgement, the relief sought to be enforced against NAFDAC was “ an order directing [NAFDAC] to carry out routine tests on all the soft drinks and allied products of the [NBC] to guarantee the safety of consumable products [produced by NBC].”

The case turns on the reason for the claimant’s goods being destroyed on arrival in the UK. According to the letter from the Stockport Metropolitan Authority, “[T]he ‘Fanta orange failed due to an excess in sunset yellow colour and both samples failed for excessive levels of benzoic acid.” The samples being referred to here were for Fanta orange and Fanta lemon. It was therefore the claimant’s contention that the soft drinks purchased were unfit for human consumption and that NBC had breached its duty of care.

NBC’s response was that its soft drinks were manufactured well within the regulatory limits set by NAFDAC for production in Nigeria. The benzoic acid was within permitted limits and there was no national limit for sunset yellow. Evidence was led to prove (certificates and testimony from NAFDAC) that the NBC was compliant with NAFDAC and Codex (World Health Organisation Food Standards) and the court agreed. To be clear, the court dismissed the entire claim against NBC.

The claimant tried to suggest that the NBC ought to have known the soft drinks were being exported, since they were loaded into containers in NBC’s premises but that argument went nowhere. The NBC discharged its full legal and moral obligations to the claimant.

Now to the part of the judgement that has gained the most notoriety in its slight misrepresentation. The judge, relying on the following exchange during the cross-examination of the subpoenaed NAFDAC official, decided to order a warning to be printed on NBC labels –

According to the judge, from this testimony, “it is manifest that [NAFDAC] has been grossly irresponsible in its regulatory duties to the consumers of Fanta and sprite manufactured by [NBC]. In my respectful view, [NAFDAC] has failed the citizens of this great nation by its certification as satisfactory for human consumption, products which in the United Kingdom failed sample test for human consumption and which become poisonous in the presence of Ascorbic Acid, ordinarily known as Vitamin C…” The Court therefore ordered NAFDAC to mandate NBC to include a warning on its Fanta and Sprite bottles that the “…soft drinks cannot be taken with Vitamin C as same becomes poisonous if taken with Vitamin C.” With respect to the Court, perhaps the basis of the finding should also have been the result of testing and certification, as it was with the other findings of chemical composition. The exchange, as recorded, does not really seem to have much coherence about it. However, the judge had the benefit of observing the witnesses first hand and I didn’t, so I shouldn’t dwell too much on that.

Is there an issue with combining benzoic acid and vitamin C? That’s probably one for the food scientists to tell us. NBC itself says there isn’t, in its statement on the issue here. The FDA in the US doesn’t seem to think there’s that much to worry about either. The ‘harmful’ substance formed when benzoic acid combines with ascorbic acid (vitamin c) is benzene, but it appears to only be harmful in large amounts. I’m a layman where that’s concerned and would be very happy to take guidance from a pharmacist or nutritionist on this point.

What we do know for sure from the judgement is –

The claimant failed to find out what the regulatory requirements of the UK/EU were and got burnt (even regular travellers know to check that the ogbono or stock fish in their luggage is permitted across their journey);

NBC has shown that its products are safe consumption by both NAFDAC and WHO standards;

The Court made no negative finding against NBC.

Are there other health reasons to give up soft drinks? Yes! All that sugar and fizziness never helped anyone except to put on weight and feel bloated. So, give up soft drinks if you want to. You just can’t say it was because of this law suit.

The scribes of Gambrach were troubled by the absence of their King. For though they spake to the host that encamped around their liege, they heard not directly from the King himself. And when the people asked them, “what news have ye of our king?” the scribes would answer, “Pray ye for his quick recovery.” And the people would ask, “Recovery from what ailment? Tell us plainly, that we may know which of the gods to propitiate.” To which the scribes would respond, “Know ye not that thy king is an old man?” And the people, confused, would ask back, “Ye wouldst have us pray for his recovery from old age?” And the scribes would be irritated and would say in anger, “Depart and be gone! Ye lovers of hateration!”

Thus it was, one day in their weekly scribely gatherings, the men of the spinning quills looked at each other, unsure what they should write. They had tried to be strong in their tarrying for their King but their faith was being tested.

The people were singing the praise of Osinoshin, the pretend King. For unlike Gambrach he was yet within the realm of youth and he spake that which the people desired that Gambrach wouldst speak. And he went to places that the people desired Gambrach to go. And some of the people exclaimed, “Behold, a real king on the throne! See how he surpasseth Gambrach in everything!”

And this didst piss off the league of the spinning quills, for how dare the people think such a thing. Lo, didst they respond with a flurry of angered parchment, “Citizens of the kingdom, do not be unfortunate. Know ye not that Osinoshin is only that which Gambrach maketh and letteth him be? Take ye heed, that if ye see Osinoshin, ye see Gambrach. If he speaketh, tis the voice of Gambrach which ye hearest! Behold, if he polluteth the air by fart, know ye now for shizzle, tis the innards of Gambrach which thou smellest! For Gambrach is supremely supreme, suckers!”

But they were troubled, for real. There whispers of abdication, even as noise came from the northsteros that if Gambrach could not serve for 1 quadrannium and then another, they were entitled to put forward a young and healthy king in his stead. And the quills wondered what would become of them if this happened.

“Brothers, come what may,” said FemCallamitus, “I will write of the mercies of Gambrach forever, I will write of the mercies of the King. With my quill, will I make known his awesomeness to all generations!”

And one of the younger scribes, Bah Shally, was moved in his chest and also made a declaration. “My quill shall bless Gambrach at all times. His praise shall continuously flow from my ink. O magnify the king with me and let us exalt his name together!”

Yea, did Lar Yi, also proclaim with them, “It is a great thing to serve Gambrach! It is a great thing to serve Gambrach; walking in the light of the king. Oh, walk, walk, walk, walk, walking in the light! Since I was young, now I am old, I have never seen our king changeth!”

And as they were all there in their moment of profuse and obligatory adulation, behold there was rumbling of the ground, a closing and shutting of doors and windows and a kanayonic sound effect of nollywoodinian supernaturalism, and the room was at once filled with smoke. And then all who were in heard a deep voice say, “if you love Gambrach, let me hear you say yeah-yeah!” And the quills answered, “YEAH, YEAH!!!”

Behold, the smoke at once cleared, and revealed Gambrachoid flames dancing on the head of the adulating men of quill. And they were lost in an orgasmic frenzy of ecclesiastical griotism. Luckily for us all brethren, right at that very second, the painter Soo Quo was passing by and quickly recorded the scene for posterity. To him we owe the illiustration of this chapter.

And as the flames petered out and the tears fried from their faces, the scribes emerged from the room to testify to the people, speaking a new tongue. Twas revealed that the name of this new tongue was Frivolee.

First to speak was FemCallamitus. “Brethren! People of the kingdom! The spirit of Gambrach descended upon me and lo did he speak to me. Usually, he would call me Callamitus but today he called me by my hibernian nickname O’Scorpion! My king called me Fem O’Scorpion and told me to greet my household. Now I know that my redeemer liveth! And I am blessed from my soul into my loins!”

And Lar Yi and Bah Shally also testified. “Oh what a glorious day! We have heard the voice of our king and dwelt in his presence! Repent, ye haters. Ye mischief-makers! For he returneth soon! And when the king comes, will he find you as diligent and faithful as we the scribes of the spinning quill? Will ye partake of his glorious and tremendous kingdom?”

And then all eyes turned to Lay Si, to hear his testimony. But he testifieth not. Perhaps because he knew the ancient words handed down to the ancient prophet, Kirkus Lazarussia, which sayeth, “Ye shall never go fullus retardus!” So they turned to Gar Bar. But Gar Bar was full of regret, for he had missed the visitation of Gambrach, having dashed out for a few seconds to make sure that Osinoshin was not being unduly acclaimed. “Dammit!” he muttered under his breath.

Brethren, there was chill in the land that day. Lo, the people were amused, full of mirth and very chilled. That day of visitation came to be known as the Blessed Day of Kingsleycost.

Brethren, the chill in the land was an uneasy one because there was much wailing. The wailing was louder than it ever was or ever had been because the Lovengers were wailing as well. No more did they take pride in the King’s posture, no basked in the glory of his utterances nor inhaled deeply the fragrance of his kaka. The wailing reached Bedrock, but all refused to hear it for it was better to be infused with the membrane of the Many Years’ disease, which troubled the King.

The people were united in their wailing for many-a-reason. The Iron Bank of Boo Jar had run out of copper and had taken to disbursing coins of wood. Mefilius ensured that that the King and his councillors had all the wooden coin they needed, in copious amounts. The councillors were mildly worried that the coin of the Kingdom was flammable and combustible but it took care of their many needs.

At senatii, Dinobetes Melitus presented the matter of the camp of the displaced and the corruptio korikonensis. For word had come forth that the council for that Balavida, who was squire to the King’s council, had been put in charge of the succour-bringing intervention council of Gambrach and had paid himself from the King’s purse to cut the corruptio korikonensis. And the men and women of senatii were filled with rage and called for Gambrach to relieve him of his post.

Word reached Balavida that this was the will of senatii concerning him and he said unto them with full vim and vigour, “Ye people of senatii, ye speakest rubbish. Know ye not with whom ye dealest? Una head no correct.” And the senatii heard it and they were like, “Wawu! The effrontery! How dare he say this?” And Abushola, warden of senatii, whose travails were now long since forgotten, for whom wahala was no longer morghulis, said “‘Tis a very serious matter before us brethren Balavida messeth with our swag!”

Brethren, ye know that of all the swag in the land, of all the imbuement of the sweet aroma of gravitas, none was more endowed than E-Dawg, councillor for petrolatum. And E-Dawg had been busy, yo. E-Dawg had voyaged to the congress of the Oligopoly of Petrolatum Conjurers and after a conclave with them, it was agreed that all but the Kingdom of Gambrach would conjure less petrolatum. And as E-Dawg stepped out of the conclavic congress, behold, the prayers of Gambrach were answered, as the price of petrolatum ascended.

And the people asked him, “How achievest thou this feat, E-Dawg?” And he answereth unto them, saying “You know, I’m just gonna be straight with you mehnn…it’s my pimping navy blue suit. You put on pimping threads and keep things 1 hunned, let me tell you mahn, can’t nobody take ya pride, can’t nobody hold you down, oh no, you’re gonna keep on moving. Peace out.” And E-Dawg left them marvelling at the trail of swag he left behind.

In further account of marvelousity, a new spirit traversed the land. The people were divided in their reception of the spirit, for it was unlike the spirits of Wawu and Egbami to which they had grown accustomed. To some it was a benevolent spirit, to others it had a malevolent agenda. It was a spirit of ponzification and its name was MoolahMagicMarvel. It strongly possessed the people of the land causing them to bring their coin, scarce as it was, with a promise to marvelously and magically multiply it. The bankers of Boo Jar warned the people but they would not heed the word, and many emptied their coffers into the temple of MoolahMagicMarvel. For a while, the spirit kept its promise and more followers came. One morning, as the devotees gathered for worship, the temple was sealed shut and the sexton passed a message from the priests unto the people. The spirit though pleased with them was unhappy with their lack of faith and would cause them to desire him more be departing from them for 2 moons!

“Whither our coin?” the people asked. The sexton replied “It is safe in the temple.”

“But we are in need of our coin. In dire need of it. Some of us have sold land, others abandoned our education. What shall we do.”

“Ye shall occupy until the great spirit returneth. Forget ye not, that the most benevolent great spirit had admonished thee, that thou bringest only thy spare coin? If ye doest beyond this and heedeth not the admonition of the great spirit, thou art O-Y-O.”

And brethren, there began to be unchill.

Back in senatii, Magoo awaited confirmation of his appointment as chief of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission – so that he he would really begin his war of marvel, awe and shock against graft in the land. But a scroll had been delivered to senatii, from the Deliverance Squad Squadron, that Mr Magoo did not come to their equity with clean hands. Mr. Magoo neverhessperredit and quickly sent a pigeon to Kyocera, head of the Squadron.

“Dear Kyocera, senatii sayeth unto me that thou bringest a word against me. How can this be? Together we wrought havoc on corrupt judges, not giving a second thought to due process. Thou wert Butch Cassidy and I thy Sundance Kid. Thou wert Batman and I thy Robin. Thou wert Aki and I your PawPaw. Thou knowest, surely that Nollywood maketh not a movie with just Aki! Thou art but the fakest guy.”

Kyocera received the missive from Mr. Magoo and quietly wrote back by return pigeon. “Behold, it is written, on the evil day many will say to me, Dawg, Dawg, ridest I not with thee? Breakest I doors down not with thee? Arresteth not I the grafters in thy name? And I shall say to them, not everyone that rideth with me be my homeboy. Depart from me for I knowest thee not. I say these not to thee however, until thou callest me a fake guy. Behold my pettiness!”

Such was rare in the land and the people thought this meant trouble for Mr. Magoo. But there was an ancient pharisee in the land, much revered, much versed in the law of the land. So versed was he, that he had written several scrolls. And his name, aptly, was Sagacious. Gambrach had appointed Sagacious as chief of the king’s advisory council on graft (another council, yes, the chronicler only records the Tword as it is revealed). Since Sagacious became a courtesan, it seemed to the people that his voice had changed. Sagacious came to the people and said, “In the matter of Mr. Magoo, the most unprecedentedly competent head of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, we shall be ignoring the law of the land, ignoring senatii, and we shall leave Mr. Magoo there for as long as we like. Thus sayeth me! And I say, as Judge Dredd sayeth in the original Stallone movie (not the dreary Karl Urban remake), I AM DE LAW!!!!”

And there was amazement at the words of Sagacious. And there again began to be even more unchill. But a storm was coming, for Gar Bar, head scribe to Gambrach had found his voice again and spoke to the people as it concerned the wedding of Asos and Noodlinho.

“O wretched people of the land, downtrodden of the earth, hoi polloi of our society, ye knowest that the wedding of Gambrach’s daughter Asos to her betrothed, Noodlinho, is ordinarily an occasion of pomp and pageantry – an occasion full of celebritine savor. I say this not unaware of your tribulations; but ye are wretched and my voice, the voice of Gambrach is a blessing unto thee!”

The people were taken aback.

“In a medium-rare, well done, or perhaps only a rare twist, depending on how much thou likenest a twist to a steak, the King has insisted that this wedding shall be entirely private affair.”

The people were confused. But Gar Bar continued.

“This celebritine savor will yet permeate this glorious occasion. Thy king is the bestest most humblest king ever and he protesteth at feeding his guests at the wedding banquet from the Kingdom’s purse. We, his glorious aides, including Balavida – he who cutteth corruptio korikonensis and payeth himself handsomely with money from the King’s purse – have taken it upon ourselves to feed the King’s guests. Thank us, ye peasants, and smell the savour of our magnanimity!”

As the reign of Gambrach rolled on, the twelfth month of his appointment of his Council came to pass. The people cast the eyes of their minds back over the year to consider all the Council had achieved over the year. Lo, they looked, and what they saw stretched to the ends of what their minds’ eyes could see. Behold, it was a gigantic, stupendous, impressively robust agglutination of nothing and hot air.

Osinoshin the Comer Comelion was still coming and going with dreams of what the King would someday do. Yudo Mah had lost the coinage of the land to the demon Missingstopheles, Shittinski had spent the entire year admiring his newly sequinned glove. Fasholas, past Giderian king, had spent it blaming the reign of Gejoshaphat for his confoundment. Kem Shun had grown increasingly reticent, perhaps because there was no longer anything new that could be said. Mefilius to tinker with the coin with skoinskoin, the ancient financial philosophy of Wan Tchans, leading to a recessive depression in the land.

The people cried out to Gambrach, believing there was a balm in the Gilead of Bedrock but Gambrach had other things on his mind. Asos, his daughter the fair maiden, was to be wed with the son of Noodles, man of great wealth. And when the wedding was announced, unchill swept through the land, for Asos was only a score and one year old, and as such, only three years into adulthood. But she was full grown and her betrothed wealthy. Furthermore, Gambrach had assured the people that the joining of his daughter and the son of Noodles in matrimony would not be a lavish affair. Even the Lovengers had stopped living by every word that proceeded from the mouth of Gambrach, but on this occasion, the people decided to wait and see.

It was also in that time that Lord Soukey, the father of Darth Soukey, deposed Tsar of Koh Toh, died. Darth Soukey remained in the prison, with no progress on his trial, as between Mr. Magoo and the Deliverance Squad, they were yet to gather evidence upon which he could be convicted. Darth Soukey was restrained from attending the funeral of his father, for the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission was afraid that Darth Soukey would find refuge with the monarchists loyal to the Soukey royal house and no longer be available to be held indefinitely by them.

Luckily for Soukey, former king Gejoshaphat under whom he served, was around to ensure that the sting of his absence would not be too severe. As Gejospahat’s chariot rode into Koh Toh, he was welcomed by many people greeting him happily. “Oh Gejoshaphat, how we hunger and thirst for thy second coming! Oh that thou wouldst come back and be our king again in the next quadrannium!” And yea, did they also line up to bid him farewell after Lord Soukey was interred, and watch his chariot disappear in the distance.

As Gejoshaphat’s chariocade disappeared, news reached the Twillistines and Social Medianites that the men and women of junior senatii had arranged for the procurement of 2 gross, 1 score and 1 dozen brand new chariots. Already ensconced in unchill, the people were very irritated. “How dare these junior senatines do this in the midst of our woes? Know they not that many workers whose wages are paid from the coin have yet to be paid? See they not our suffering?”

To which the spokesperson of juior senatii responded, “Oh ye Twillistines, ye are our brethren. We do not buy these chariots to ride over your corpses into glory. No! We buy them to enable us do our glorious work of making laws for you. Yea, many of us were poor and chariotless like you before we entered into the junior senatii. We can no longer just be walking upandan like ye do, to do our work.”

But the people were not appeased, and they grumbled loudly. So loudly, that a former member of Gambrach’s former house (for Apicuria was a fusion), a man named Boo Bar remarked in the village square, “Alas, pity for Gambrach filleth my heart, for everyone has turned against him, even the Lovengers for whom he could previously do no wrong. Verily, I say unto him, that if he put himself forward for electoralis into the next quadrannium, I do not see him emerging victorious.”

Boo Bar’s statement was heard very promptly in Bedrock. Many Years did not keep this prophecy from being heard. Immediately, Gar Bar’s quill swung into action. “Oh, Boo Bar, thou hater! Why speakest thou of a thing thou knowest not? For thine information, each person that supported Gambrach before still standeth behind him gidigba! For he stealeth not their money. And he keepeth corruption at bay by stiffling commerce, so that rulers of the land have less to steal. Thou hatest Gambrach longtime because he giveth thee no appointment like he giveth his ride or die homies. I wouldest that thou be better, not bitter.”

And it was time for electoralis in Ondonia again, following quickly after that of Edossopotamia. In Edosspotamia, the 2 quadrannia of Sho Mo Leh were up, just as the quadrannia of Mee Koh in Ondonia. And in the midst of the storm of unchill swirling through the land, there were whispers. Whispers that Shiwajun would no longer stand with House Apicuria in Ondonia…