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Day Nineteen

I am completely overwhelmed with the amount of reading and
work that I need to put into this Bachelor of Arts Psychotherapy degree. The
first subject is: Foundations in Arts Psychotherapy. It goes for six weeks. For
the first week, I have 45 pages to read before we even get to class. I also
have to gather some supplies to make a ‘vessel’ on the first day… not even sure
what to bring in for that. The second subject, which is being studied at the
same time as the first subject, is: Integrative systems of health and
wellbeing. I have 9 self-assessments to do before the first day, plus 4
readings of however many pages and a 35-minute TED talk to watch. I am not
entirely sure how I am meant to find 1) the time to do all of this and 2) the
mental capacity to take it all in and integrate it into my knowledge base! It
is overwhelming and this is just the first 2 lessons let alone the rest of
them!

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the subject matter. It fascinates
the shit out of me and I deeply hope it leads to a job where I get to help
people sort through their own mental health issues and hopefully, help them
reach a space within themselves where they can lead their best life. I’m just
questioning my capabilities right now.

I’ve had a lifetime of avoiding things. Avoiding jobs
because going to the interviews was too much for me to cope with, avoiding
finishing studies or projects because before the end I would move on to
something else that grabbed my attention or there would be a requirement that
was too much for me to cope with, like triads and placement. I have spent my
life being a mother because, for me, that is easy. However, after being in a
marriage to him for 10 years, he has me believing that is all I can do. He has
me believing that I can’t or won’t work. He has me believing I am incapable and
a bad example to our children. I am left floundering while he is out there
living his best life with a woman who calls him babe. Babe. A word he scoffed
at and called juvenile but now it’s okay… because it’s not me?

I jumped on the scales again today. Still over 1 kg heavier
than I was on Monday. I was hoping the other day was just some anomaly and the
weight would have magically gone back to where it was. So now I’m questioning
my scales. Was Monday’s reading wrong? Or are these higher readings wrong? Or
have I really put ON the extra kilo even though I’m doing the same things I was
doing for the first two weeks? I seriously do not understand it at all. I guess
I have to wait for Monday and I will see what the scales say and then I will
talk to the Dr about it and then book in for an appointment with a dietitian
and see what they say. It is disheartening though. Getting on those scales and
seeing consistent drops is motivating and lifts my spirits. Getting on them and
seeing the weight put ON is confusing and devastating. I’m really wanting to
lose at least 10 to 20 kgs by e\Easter long weekend and this development is
detrimental to my goals. It feels incredibly unfair, truth be told. Thankfully
it still isn’t enough to stop this journey. I am still on the OF bandwagon and
I really do hope to stay on it for this year. Then we will see what we see,
though we will also see what the dietitian says. Really though, I don’t have
the time to be making food and I don’t like the whole make it in bulk thing
either. I’m very much a fresh food eater. I hate reheating. I always have and I
always will. I don’t know about other people, but for me it changes the taste
of food. I don’t like it. I am a picky eater and it’s not that I won’t eat a
large variety of foods, I love a large variety of foods, it’s that I am picky
about HOW I eat it, HOW it is prepared etc, etc.

Tomorrow is the weekend. I guess we’ll see how I am
tomorrow. I still have to do some MT work but I have a lot of study to do. I
really want to stay on top of it all because I know if I don’t then I’ll feel
even more overwhelmed. If you start to fall behind it’s really difficult to
catch the fuck up. So, I want to stay on top of it. I hope Dan can find me a
Monday, Thursday and Friday job that pays at least $20/hr. That might help take
the load off a little. I could quit MT maybe.