Overcoming Deep Regret & Shame For Past Mistakes

byLiz

Disclaimer: The following content consists of my own experiences on the subject matter of sex and choice. Every individual is different. Sex is a mental activity even more than a physical activity. If you are under the age of 16, it is highly unlikely that you are ready to deal with the mental consequences of having sex. Additionally, if you are knowingly having sex with someone under the age of 16 and you are over the age of 16, please stop.

Everyone has that one thing about their past they could never bring themselves to tell anyone. Or, if they have, maybe one or two people ever.

It’s that one thing you don’t know if you could ever forgive yourself for. It shames you.

Just thinking about it makes you feel uncomfortable. You look around furtively to see if anyone else noticed your discomfort and you seek escape in a different task or a sudden urgent thought. Something else to distract you.

Anything but that. Anywhere but there. You don’t go there. Not ever.

A place of peace exists for you, but only if you’re brave enough to cross the bridge you can never seem to bring yourself to approach.

That’s where I want to take you today.

I want to take you on a journey that’s going to make you feel very uncomfortable. You’ll want to navigate away from the page. You’ll want to ignore it. You’ll look around to see if anyone can see the shameful article you’re reading on your screen.

First I’m going to tell you a true story about myself. It’s raw, real, human, more common than I ever thought, and it’s going to make you feel.

What you feel depends on who you are, but I know that you’ll feel something, and that’s what I need from you.

So at the risk of alienating many of you, here’s the story of that one thing I regret but have forgiven myself for. I tell you this story, not because I want you to know. I would prefer that no one knows. I’ve dealt with it on my own, and I don’t need a release. It’s very personal and it feels unnatural to put it out there for the world to see.

I tell you because, in the spirit of this blog, I need to give you something real. Something as dark as anything you might have to deal with. I don’t fluff. I don’t beat around the bush, and I sure as hell don’t sugar coat the reality of this beautiful life.

I would be doing you a disservice to tell you a story any less heavy than the one I’m about to share. The article would be useless. I would be just another girl giving you meaningless advice about how to overcome simple problems. You’d wonder what I knew about what real regret feels like.

Well, I promise you won’t wonder what right I have to offer advice about regret after you read my story. That’s for sure.

A Walk In The Dark

When I was twelve years old (almost thirteen), I let a sixteen/seventeen year old boy take my virginity.

When I was tired of this boy, I found another one who would pay attention to me, and I had sex with him as well.

These boys were almost always at least five to six years older than me, and I never knew them for more than a few days before giving them what they wanted.

I did this for a year or two, until I was 14 and I found that having an eating disorder was just as destructive and didn’t require a second person.

I felt like I was a slut, a whore. Other kids found out and I denied it of course but I knew the stories were true. I lived in a small town. I could only get away with secrecy for so long.

It was a dark place for me, and for years and years I couldn’t bring myself to think about my actions without complete disgust and horror.

The things that I did were appalling and so shameful, I wanted to hide from the world. I tortured myself with judgements and name calling.

It was a very dark place inside of me for a very long time.

So I just sat in the dark with my head in my knees and curled up to protect myself from my own vicious attacks. Then, one day, I decided to get up and walk around. I felt my way around that dark place until I found light.

Here’s how.

Checking The Source

The first thing I needed to do was check why I felt such a deep sense of guilt, shame, and regret.

It seems self-evident at first. I’m sure even you felt a little bit shame when reading my story. Anyone would feel bad about it wouldn’t they?

Maybe so, but still it’s really important to first check the source of my emotions and, second, evaluate it from my true beliefs and values.

Again, it seems self-evident that I was ashamed for being promiscuous and I regretted giving away something so precious to any bystander that would have me. Although this is true, what if I felt guilt and shame because I took advantage of so many boys, and maybe ruined their innocence for life?

Maybe I wish to apologize for treating them so callously?

I’m sure there are many men and women who can relate to breaking someone’s heart carelessly and without thought. I needed to check the source first before I could eliminate the guilt or understand my behavior.

Also, I needed to make sure that I had something to feel guilty for in the first place. If I was a young girl being taken advantage of by older men, it would not be my fault. It would not be me who should feel guilty and shame.

However, in this case, in my own personal case, I was not a victim. I manipulated boys by lying about my age (I looked like I was at least 15, so I usually said I was 16 or 17), dressing in ways I knew would get their attention, and making it a point to sleep with them.

Once I was sure I knew what I felt ashamed for, I needed to understand why I felt ashamed.

Did I truly believe I did something shameful, or was I projecting the beliefs of the world onto my actions?

As it turns out, my beliefs about sex back then were a projection of the values instilled in me from my mother, but they do hold true today. I believe sex to be the best expression of romantic love between two individuals who understand the meaning of sex.

I believe it to be too good to give away, and I believe that who you have sex with is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

Meaning my behavior said loud and clear that I was insecure, looking for attention, in need of external validation for confidence, and lacking self-respect and self-esteem.

Yes. I could be ashamed of that.

Now that I knew the source and evaluated it against my values, I needed to start the healing process.

Emancipation From Guilt

Often we feel guilty for things we don’t necessarily feel bad for. Usually it’s one of those beliefs you’ve just picked up from the world around you, but you don’t understand it.

This is not what we’re talking about today (although that’s an important topic on A Life on Your Terms and you can read more about it here). Today, we’re talking about actions you’ve decided you definitely deserve to feel guilty about.

The easy thing to do is to berate and torture yourself for the rest of your life because you feel like you deserve it. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Either way, that’s the easy thing to do.

Suffering is easy. It’s all over the place. Every time I turn a corner, I run smack dab right in the middle of some suffering.

Achieving and sustaining happiness and peace is much harder.

The answer is not to condemn yourself to a life of self-inflicted pain. The answer is to emancipate yourself from guilt.

Emancipation Step 1: Acknowledge Your Actions Without Excuses

If you thought I was going to tell you it’s ok that you did what you did, you’re sadly, woefully, hugely mistaken. Emancipation has nothing to do skirting responsibility.

You need to acknowledge that you did what you did, whatever it might be. You did it. Not some impostor or evil twin. Stop ignoring it or denying your participation in your actions.

For me, this means saying that I had sex with more boys from the age of 12-14 years old than I can count or than I could even remember. I violated a sacred value and I annihilated my own integrity by my own actions.

Emancipation Step 2: Acknowledge Your Actions To Those You’ve Harmed

In this case, I didn’t really harm anyone other than myself, so I’ll have to give you another example.

When I was fifteen, I some kind of demon awakened inside of me, and I became the worst, most disrespectful child ever to live. There’s no room to get into the why of this particular horror, but just know I’ve gone through this process for the terrible actions I committed during this time.

From the age of fifteen to seventeen I…

did every drug I could get my hands on

would steal my mothers car in the middle of the night and the last time I did it I blew the engine without telling her and she broke down on her way to work the next day

broke into my boyfriends house and stole his life savings

crashed my aunts car and made my boyfriend take the fall

threatened to call the cops on my mom if she laid her hands on me (all the while I was wrecking havoc on our lives)

did other things I can’t think of right now.

Needless to say, I had A LOT to answer for.

Even though I justified it all to myself at the time my maintaining a 4.0 GPA, I hurt a lot of people and I had to apologize and sincerely convey that I understood the consequences of my actions on myself and on them.

Emancipation Step 3: Do What You Can To Make Up For Your Actions

For my actions, I needed to make it up to myself. I needed to gain back my own integrity, and I did that by reclaiming my virginity (mentally) and promising to fiercely protect it for the rest of my life.

I’ve done a pretty good job of that.

For you, it might be paying back that money you stole, minimizing the damage done by a lie, paying for the car you crashed, etc. Do what you can to make amends. This is your responsibility, so don’t expect gratitude (although most people are so good that they’ll give it to you).

This step takes place throughout every other step and continues until you’ve forgiven yourself for your actions.

You need to learn and grow from what you did or you’ll just do it all over again. Guilt is toxic to your self-esteem, and happiness is hard to come by if you feel shitty about yourself.

Similarly, easy as it maybe to hold yourself in contempt and condemn yourself, it’s not conducive to peace and happiness which is what you deserve.

In the case of guilt and regret, to grow, we must seek to understand our actions so we can make a commitment to do it differently the next time.

Understand why you did what you did.

My father left my mother when I was 5.

I’ve always known that he ‘loved’ me, but his presence in my life was so infrequent that his ‘love’ was only a cerebral, abstract concept and not something I could actually feel and describe.

It was intellectual and rational. It wasn’t the kind of whole-hearted love I needed as a young girl.

This isn’t me placing blame on my father. What I did was not his fault. I chose to do what I did. There are plenty of other girls who are completely fatherless who didn’t do what I did.

This is me trying to understand why I would do something so awful.

For the longest time I brushed off his absence as insignificant. I never felt it had anything to do with my life and how I turned out.

The truth is I believe I was doing my best to gain attention from men in any way that I could. I didn’t understand this at the time, but thinking back I remember how comfortable and safe I felt when with a boy.

Then, when he’d had enough of me (or I of him), I would feel scared, lonely, lost and generally confused until I could anchor onto another boy. I was just trying to live in the only way I knew how.

It’s important to remember that we, as humans who want to live, are always acting out of our self-interests. What we choose to do may be objectively wrong, but, subjectively, we’re only trying to take care of ourselves.

This is vitally important to understand and is the crux to understanding our actions and developing compassion for ourselves.

Ask yourself in what ways you were trying to look after yourself when you did whatever it is you regret. There is always an answer to this question (unless what you did was a complete and total accident).

Maybe you were taking actions to avoid pain, discomfort, or some other kind of hurt?

Again, how were you trying to take care of yourself? In what way can you do it differently next time?

Don’t Drop The Context

We love to generalize our behavior and the behavior of others.

He’s a rude man. She’s just lazy. They’re social outcasts. She’s a total whore. He’s a bad father. I’m a bad person.

Can these statements really be true? Can he be rude all the time? Is she lazy all the time? Is he always a bad father to all children? Do you not have any qualities of a good person?

Stop generalizing and start taking into account the circumstances and context in which you acted.

For me, I could just say that I’m a whore, or I could think about my circumstances and what options I believed were available to me at the time. I could also think about the context and the resources available to me, what I knew, what I believed in and what I knew to be true at the time.

Without deflecting responsibility, ask yourself these questions as the relate to your own situation.

For me, I need to understand that I was essentially a child who knew nothing about sex and knew only that it was a very good way to get male attention I so desperately craved. I believed that is what boys required of me and I knew that if I gave it to them they would give me their full, undivided attention. My other option was loneliness and a complete sense of abandonment and confusion. I wanted to avoid that pain, so I chose sex.

I didn’t know how wrong my actions were and for that I’m not to blame. Nevertheless, in order to make amends I, Liz Seda, needed to take responsibility for making the choices I did. If I was 10 and killed someone, I would need to answer for that. I want to answer to myself for the choices I made, even if I made them without fully knowing the consequences at the time. I know in my heart I wasn’t a victim, and I don’t want to pose as one. However, there are many young girls out there who are victims, so please keep that in mind. This is only my personal story about my personal mental state. I can’t speak to the mental state of other girls in their early teens and it’s safe to assume they simply aren’t ready.

This is the full context in which I acted, and seeing that helps me understand, forgive, and resolve to do better next time.

Developing Compassion. What if it was your best friend?

It might sound corny but the best thing is having compassion for yourself.

It’s so important that I’m going to repeat myself and remind you that we are always acting in our self-interests. Even if those interests are false or misplaced.

You have to remind yourself that you made the best choice you could with the information, resources, beliefs, and values you had at the time. Even if it was a horrible thing to do, or if you know it wasn’t the right way. You still made the only choice you knew how to make under the circumstances.

You must understand that and have compassion and be empathetic. It’s a difficult concept to understand; empathy for yourself.

Who you are now is not who you were then, so essentially they are two different beings. However, you are responsible for both of them. You need to be more understanding of your states of being that have done things you’re less than proud of.

Think of your past self as a very good friend or a best friend. If they were confiding in you, how would you talk to them? They are vulnerable, ashamed, scared that you’re going to reject them, but still they are opening up to you.

What would you say to them without making it seem like you’re pardoning them of responsibility?

Moving Forward

I know it feels impossible right now, but you can move forward and past whatever it is you feel like you can’t forgive yourself for.

I also know you may not want to move forward.

You may feel what you’ve done is so terrible that moving forward would be too good for you. Maybe you want to punish yourself. Unless you’ve done something unspeakable like raped or murdered someone, you’re taking the easy way out.

You’re also taking the path that propagates the kind of behavior you’re punishing yourself for in the first place. Less integrity leads to acting with less integrity which is followed by a further diminished integrity and self esteem.

So if you really want to make up for it you have to learn from it and resolve to stopping the behavior for good. That takes time, understanding, compassion and forgiveness.

If you think you’re a wretch, and treat yourself like one, you’ll act like a wretch.

If you think you’re a good person who made a mistake, you’ll act like a good person who made a mistake; which is, in fact, what you are.

“Ask yourself in what ways you were trying to look after yourself when you did whatever it is you regret. ”

“Can these statements really be true? Can he be rude all the time? Is she lazy all the time? Is he always a bad father to all children? Do you not have any qualities of a good person?”

“Developing Compassion. What if it was your best friend?”

“You have to remind yourself that you made the best choice you could with the information, resources, beliefs, and values you had at the time. Even if it was a horrible thing to do, or if you know it wasn’t the right way. You still made the only choice you knew how to make under the circumstances.”

“If you think you’re a wretch, and treat yourself like one, you’ll act like a wretch.
If you think you’re a good person who made a mistake, you’ll act like a good person who made a mistake; which is, in fact, what you are.”

First off, let me say that I admire you for being open about what happened. It will really help a lot of people, that I am sure about.
Secondly, it is interesting when you say that suffering is the easy way out . I had never seen it that way – and it does make sense.
I myself have not been, for the past 5 years, able to forgive myself for having lost my main (should say only) account – this has put my family in dire straits – which we still are in. Some days I feel like giving up, and what still keeps me hanging in there is my two children (when I think what their future will be like, without a father).

Thanks Liz for sharing your story. I have two little girls and I am divorced. Having heard your story, I will try even harder to make my girls know I love them unconditionally and even more importantly, be there for them.

Great post Liz. For what it’s worth, I wasn’t ashamed at all of you. Everybody does messed up stuff, especially when young, and especially in the interest of self protection. I love how you reinforce realizing how bad it was – you don’t get to cop out and pretend everything was dandy. In context it’s not that bad. Most everything is understandable. But when we’ve hurt other people, the only way to really heal is to fully acknowledge the damage done. Full responsibility. I really appreciate that you had the guts to share that.Morgan recently posted..Breathe: A Technique for Massive Life Changes and Child Birth

Thanks Morgan. This one was so hard to post. I couldn’t even be around the computer all day yesterday for fear of hate comments and mass unsubscribes. But it had to be done. And the topic is so sensitive and volatile too.Liz recently posted..Overcoming Deep Regret & Shame For Past Mistakes

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, Liz. When you do, we are all able to follow your steps because we believe that it will help and that it will work. I love writers like you who are willing to put themselves out there and tell the truth. The world wins because we gain insight and a plan for action. We get something worthwhile to apply to our own lives. And did I mention your beautiful writing?

Thanks T. Like I’ve said, this one was incredibly hard for me to post, but my vow of honesty and transparency prevented me from giving an empty example…like cheating on a test or forgetting about my Mom’s birthday. If I’m not going to do it, then who will?Liz recently posted..Overcoming Deep Regret & Shame For Past Mistakes

WOW, that was something… I don’t remember when I have last stumbled upon such powerful words coming from a blogger. I truly admire you for that. You have once again exposed yourself but at the same time shown something more. Thank you for that

Oh…..you mean you did some things wrong? Now I don’t feel so all alone. Hurting people hurt people……..and always they hurt themselves. You must have been in great turmoil during those early teen years. Thanks for brutally honest reporting of not only your actions, but your emotions. I especially like that you healed. What do they say? It takes a great sinner to become a great saint!

When pondering my reply to this post, the ideal of how I would communicate with my romantic/life partner came to mind. My ideal is that there are absolutely no secrets in the relationship; we would be open, honest, and trusting with one another. Then the idea that there are some things that I feel uncomfortable talking about, so uncomfortable to the point that it would never be brought up in conversation. So, not that I will never deal with it, I would/am processing and deal with it on my own. Release this pain on my own accord, and let it be gone. But to be honest, it all still seems a bit shady—ultimately it’s were I chose to draw the line, and live with. Also… a 12 year or slut just doesn’t sit well with me — A promiscuous 12 year old is more a according. There’s so much dysfunction in sexuality that the youth are subjected to, that compassion and healing is the only way to address it properly in my opinion. Derogatory names and viewpoints only perpetuate the hurt. And in the same breath there’s a new wave of empowerment tied to “slut shaming”. Pretty interesting.

You’re right Zu about 12 year old sluts. I was close to 13, but still. You’re right that derogatory names and viewpoints only make you feel worse. As a young girl, I wasn’t pressured, but I still wasn’t aware that my choices were going to have such a negative impact on me. However, I don’t want to ignore the fact that it was I who made the choices so I want to be the one to heal myself and understand those choices. I have total compassion for my younger self, I just don’t ignore that I had a hand in what I did.Liz recently posted..Overcoming Deep Regret & Shame For Past Mistakes

Liz, thank you for being so unflinchingly honest and open about everything that young girl had to deal with. I’m so happy she ultimately got the compassion she deserved. I can’t help but see the amazingly resilient, insightful, focused and caring person she is today and be moved by how powerful an example of growth and transformation her story is.

I don’t know when I first got a hold of the awareness that “…you made the best choice you could with the information, resources, beliefs, and values you had at the time” but it’s SO important. Wisdom in hindsight is so easy. Compassion as “your best friend”? A beautiful philosophy. Bring on the corny! Self-judgment only promotes self-loathing, which guarantees we remain stagnant and stuck.

I remember reading in one of your posts where you thought that you had a high level of courage these days. Hmmm…I think you might be right.

It’s such a volatile subject really. Where do you decide how old you need to be to make a choice? If I were 11 and shot and killed my younger sibling, do I never feel guilty and sorry for that, even though I didn’t know it was wrong? Of course not. I treat myself kindly but firmly. I do not deny that it was I who shot and killed my younger sibling, but I take all the factors into account as well. (This is a hypothetical story btw. Just thought I’d make that clear).

I had a little discussion with my husband yesterday, he said I say too much about myself on my new blog… well I just published a post where I set my core values, he said I don’t need to say all that about myself, I need to say about my business.
While I disagree with him and know the importance for people to know about me if I want to connect, at the same time, what I said is “nothing” compared to the level of openness you show here.

My first feeling about your story is that there is nothing to be ashamed, from an external point of view, to what you did… you clearly didn’t feel well, and in the teenage it’s already difficult enough to find one’s identity when you have balance in life and family, so I totally see why you need to do things to “fill the void”

I’m not a psychologist, but before I read about your dad in the post, I was thinking “something in the childhood”…

What was important for you I think, was to do all the healing process to achieve resilience about the fact you were missing your dad. You seem to already have done a lot on that path

The teenage behaviour is then only a side-effect.

As a side note, what you did with boys at the age of 12, is just what I was dreaming to do too and I had to wait 15 to find a boy agreeing to do it What I mean is there is nothing wrong to have sex when you are ready to, and not being forced to… Just that for you, you maybe did for other reasons.. but nothing to be ashamed, in the teenage, our body go so much in the hormonal stuff, and we discover desire and things, it’s very natural.

For the other things you did, well, as you said, once you understand the reason, it’s much easier to forgive yourself. And love yourself.

Now I’m proud and happy I’m going to meet you, great girl, for real in 3 weeks. I’m glad for that and so much looking forward!!

OMG Liz, let me just say that , in as much as i agree with your regrets and shameful past, i can’t help but laugh aloud imagining you having fun doing the wrong things. the one that made me laugh the most is , deciding to go for your man’s life savings. hahahahaha. what did you do with that? I know that, in the middle of all what you were doing you knew you will come around this to your core values. It was deep down in you. You were not bad or evil but naive. You rather gave me something to laugh for few days. ‘Your life is your brain’. My love to all those who share love with you.
kwesi.

Ha Kwesi. Well I’m glad I can make you laugh even though I wasn’t intending to! I don’t know what I did with it? I didn’t even need it. I was acting out, testing my limits. What a ridiculous thing to do, not to mention cruel, but that’s why life is filled with learning experiences.

The hardest forgiveness is self forgiveness. To others it is innocent and a search for love , comfort and safety. Now look at you!! So much to offer. Maya Angelou says When we know better we do better. Let us all strive to know better.
Thanks for sharing your journey and all the beautiful learning you are giving us.

Great article Liz. I just made a shameful mistake that cost me a job. I have a wife and a daughter and I couldn’t bear the guilt for this past 3 days. I am trying to bounce back and desperately looking for new job.. I was googling about shameful mistake and guilt when I found your website.. It’s so inspiring and toughtful.. Thks liz

This is soul-baring in all its nakedness. And i salute you for having the courage to not only take such orrective measures, but also share them with us, some of whom are still struggling with personal demons.

I know you can not undo the things which had happend in the past.Iam suffering with some problems which were happend in my teenage and for that i has been regretting and giving pain to my self for five years.but after reading your truth i feel little bit motivated.please reply me i need your suggestion on that.

This was a very well written page. The advice and the points were very clear and very helpful. This has definitely helped me in my struggle with forgiving myself and moving on from my past. I feel like I have caused so much destruction and lost so much trust with the man I love for the same mistakes. I have been searching for some type of understanding some type of way to get over those mistakes.. and this has helped me so much. Thanks for the wisdom.

dear liz,
its really helpful how you take a rather rational take on the regret
i had a similar regret feeling that was crippling me and my future
all the time i felt why why why? did i ever do those things..i even went as far as calling myself a slut in front of my collueges for i felt that maybe suffering would resolve it..regret can be as dark as a black hole and as illuminating as a star

Thanks you for your story Liz. I think many people today are dealing with the same issues. Someone is looking for love, someone for attention, but we all end up with short term sattisfactions. But, sometimes at the end of the day is very hard to overcome the regrets, shame and guilt. Now, I am inspired to tell my own story. All the best. Darijan

It sounds like you have experienced a lot of hurt and although I would have no idea, I suspect something happen before any of this caused you to feel valueless. I hope you continue on your healing journey and are able to address the root – this is the same thing I hope for myself – as the manifestations are different but the hurt and pathos are likely similar.

I am usually not one to leave comments but all I can say is thank you. It is nice to be reminded we are all human and everyone has their own battles. Reading this article has already relieved so much of my anxiety surrounding this issue. I truly appreciate your courage and strength.

Thanks for your post….I read it and found it deeply moving, honest and confronting. It brought up my own memories, which I then had to process and found I still have pain around the issue, which came to the surface and for which I still punish myself severely for from time to time. It is true that we are our own worst judges. I did not feel you were terrible because of your mistakes but felt enormous compassion and forgiveness for you. After all, despite your actions you are still a human being worthy of love, and respect. I will try to apply this same compassion to myself…thanks again.

respect!! i loved it. i needed these words. all the time i was thinking the very same as you used to , repenting on my mistakes. i have got a very caring family. they have forgiven me . i ask forgiveness from my Allah (GOD) ,plus i m taking some antidepressents too. it was more a toxic relationship which made me harm my family , i was selfish, i wanted my happiness, i must i was fooled by a the most devilish person i could ever have in my life. now i feel free. i feel i will be happy cos i am no more contrlooed by some one . but help me in this one thing. what to do i still feel regret for running behind a wrong person and also regret why i ddint stopped my self, dint listen to my family and friends and even his friends who used to give me hints