Networking: Here's Why People Don't Open Up To You [x-post from /r/socialskills]

You want to talk about real stuff, so you ask people serious questions like “Hey, what do you want to do with your life?”

You’re genuinely interested in their response. You want to hear their big ideas and have a meaningful discussion about them.

But in response to your question they always seem to make a joke or give you a generic, superficial response.

If this happens to you a lot, there’s a simple reason: you get what you give.

They’re deflecting your serious questions because they don’t know that you’re not going to judge them. That you’re in the same boat they are. That you have similar doubts, hopes and questions about life.

They don’t know because you haven’t communicated it. It seems to them like you just want to take. Like you just want them to open up to you without giving them anything in return.

DO PEOPLE EVEN WANT TO OPEN UP?

If you’ve experienced this for a while it can start to feel like nobody wants to know you. Like maybe you should just isolate yourself and watch TV shows in your tower all day… because maybe you’re just not good with people.

You lose motivation for your hobbies. For your business. You lose your drive, because you feel like you’re the only one out there who wants to talk about real stuff.

But this couldn’t be further from the truth. In my personal experience just about everyone wants to talk about real stuff. There are 2 million people who read Mark Manson, and all he talks about is “real stuff”.

The only thing is everyone’s scared of opening up first.

WHY SHOULD THE OTHER PERSON OPEN UP FIRST?

If I’m not deliberately trying to connect with you then why would I respond to your question with a genuine, heartfelt answer that leaves me open to your judgement, and potential rejection? Why would anyone?

Even if I did want to connect with you the risk might still be too great if you haven’t already opened up to me first.

Think about your own responses to the serious questions that people ask you. Do you go deep first?

No?

Then you’re communicating that you’re closed off to doing so. They’re interpreting your response that way and responding appropriately — with safe/generic/superficial answers.

If someone asks you “What do you want to do with your life?”, do you tell them that you want to be the next big IPO (in a cool and detached tone)?

Or do you talk about your dream of connecting with millions of users and solving a real problem for them, your big ideas for success and your doubts as to whether it’s all possible (actually allowing yourself to feel the feelings as you speak the words)?

You’re not risking anything with the first response, because your tone masks whether your response is genuine or not.

But the second response opens you up to their judgement. They know this. And now that they’ve seen you take a risk in opening up, you’ve reduced the risk for them to open up. To drop their mask.

TAKE THE RISK. SHOW YOUR FEELINGS

It’s not the words alone that communicate how open you are to talking about real stuff. It’s more about allowing yourself to feel the feelings as you talk, and to try to put those feelings into words as best you can. Because people can see you feeling things. It shows through your vocal tone, your body language and your pauses when you think.

So say the thing that feels scary to say. And do it first. That’s how you'll start getting people to open up.

If this information is helpful to you, you can find more articles on my website. I teach analytical males (engineers, developers, scientists, thinkers etc.) how to connect with other people better, by developing their social skills.

I'd like to add three observations I've noticed (they're probably obvious to most people already):

Don't talk too deeply too quickly. If you jump straight to talking about your life philosophies they may think you're kind of weird. Start with a bit of small talk to get comfortable, then move on to more serious stuff. Rather thinking of it as "normal" vs "deep" conversation, think of it as a spectrum. If both people are comfortable you can take turns revealing more about yourselves and building trust at the same time.

Context is important. There are certain times you can talk about deeper stuff like if you're having a meal, driving or walking somewhere. These are more intimate/personal settings and you know you'll be talking for a while. Groups of more than 2-4 people make it harder to have meaningful conversations.

Go back to a bit of small talk at the end of the conversation. Otherwise one person might feel they said something wrong and the other person bailed out of the conversation.

I tend to be the "taker" sometimes I have to realize I need to open up first. Especially with the ladies, you have to include an anecdotal part to your interaction otherwise they won't fully open...if you know what I mean

i think going first doesn't always work, if they aren't interested in telling you it's for a reason. You can ask, get a superficial answer, that's your level of resistance, take a step back and find another way round to ask.

This is shit advice if you're usually the one asking the question. You're telling us to open up to someone who probably doesn't give a damn about what someone else wants to do with their life especially if they have no idea what they want to do with their own

Of course, good conversation is a two-way street. If you're conversing with someone who isn't giving you anything to work with (one word answers, general apathy), then gracefully exit and network elsewhere.

Despite the downvotes, /u/im_tryna_skrrt did bring up a valid point (though calling OP's advice shit certainly was unwarranted :P )