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Monday, June 23, 2014

Troy Williamson's Mailbox

Hey
everyone! Sorry for the long hiatus from
the blog. It’s been a while and a lot
has happened, and since I last wrote, people have been clamoring to hear my
piping hot sports takes on the happenings of the days—imagine that! My email inbox is stuffed full of questions,
some even from some famous people which took me by surprise. Without further ado, the first Troy
Williamson’s Mailbox:

Wow, what an
asshole. Nope, haven’t given up yet, but
I have been pretty busy finishing up school and starting my summer as an office
slave intern. I didn’t feel like
writing, sue me! (But actually don’t do
that at all plz)

Q: Hey Jim, The World Cup is a thing
that is happening. What do you think
about that? You are so handsome.

-Jimmy in Side Lake, MN

Thanks! But after watching some of these soccer
games, I don’t know if I agree! Is there
some kind of rule that every elite level soccer player must have absolute
immaculate hair at all times? I’m pretty
sure Christiano Ronaldo’s stylist works on him more than the team’s
trainer. It’s very emasculating knowing
that you absolutely can’t compete at that level in the hair game. I’m getting a fresh new cut tomorrow and I’m
pretty sure I’m going to just throw in the towel and get a bowl cut because I
am absolutely overmatched. Can’t
compete.

As for the
real soccer being soccered out on the soccer fields between the soccer teams,
I’ve only really watched the US games, and was thoroughly disappointed
yesterday when pretty boy Ronaldo kicked us all right between the nuts. Beyond that I have no real analysis because I
have never once played a soccer game.
Ever!

Q: Hi buddy, I’ve missed you! The All-Star Celebrity Softball Rosters were
announced today. Who are you the most
excited to see, and who do you wish was included? Thanks, I’m a big fan!

-Jimmy in Side Lake, MN

Thanks guy, I
think I would like you too if I were to meet you! Indeed, the rosters for the true mid-summer
classic were announced today, and if you follow me on twitter, you already know
who I’m most excited to see by far, and that is the lovely and talented Melanie
Iglesias. I’m going to be in the same
ballpark as her, in person! On second
thought, maybe I should try to get a really slick haircut and not just punt the
whole not looking like a gomer thing. I
wonder if she is into redheads who play amateur baseball and periodically blog. Only one way to find out, and that is
obviously to run out on the field and ask her in the middle of play.

For your viewing pleasure:

As far as the
second question, there are too many celebrities that I wish could be included
in the game, because it’s not exactly the *most* star-studded cast out
there. Near the top of my wish list
would have to be Babe Ruth, because I bet he could hit the fuck out of a
softball, but he’s dead, so he won’t be able to make it. I also think it would be pretty cool if Bob
Dylan came back to Minnesota to play in it, maybe he could bring a guitar up to
the plate—what a ruse that would be!
Bobby D you jokester you! Another
guy I wish was involved this year due to its close proximity to the Fourth of
July is George Washington because I would like to give him a standing ovation,
but he’s been dead for a number of years as well!

Q: Do I suck now? People are so mean to me on Twitter. :(

-Joe in St. Paul, MN

Hey, Joe,
thanks for reading. Tell Gardy I’m sorry
for all the mean things I say about him, I’m sure he’s a nice guy! I don’t think you suck. You have sucked this year, sure, but I am
pretty sure you are just dealing with some lingering issues from your concussion
last August rather than have somehow forgot how to be an elite hitter over the
course of a few months. Keep in mind it
took Justin Morneau (your old roommate, remember him?) years before he finally
figured out how to be a valuable hitter again after his derailing concussion in
Toronto (burn in hell, John McDonald).
I’m cautiously confident that you will bounce back because you have 10
years of evidence that says you are much better than this. As for the meanies on Twitter, “people throw
rocks at things that shine”—Taylor Swift.

Q: You’ve been on record as hating
country music. Is that still true?

-Jimmy in Side Lake, MN

That is not
true at all. I have softened
considerably in that stance, mainly because listening to country reminds me of
Spring Break in Florida, and Spring Break in Florida reminds me of partying my
dick off on the beach, so therefore country music reminds me of partying at the
beach (transitive property—my Math minor is already paying off). The only qualm I have with country music has
to do partly with context and partly with its message. I listen to a bunch of it at my cubicle
summer internship, where I have zero view of a window whatsoever, so when I
hear the party country songs, I’m basically hearing lyrics along the lines of
“Keep scanning those documents, fucker!
The weekend is still 3 days away and it’s 11 a.m.” So that’s kind of depressing. The other qualm I have with it is the fact
that half the songs are about being in love with a beautiful woman, etc, etc,
and I really can’t relate because every female I have ever met has hated my guts
within 2 weeks of meeting me (citation needed).

Q: What should I do regarding Kevin
Love?

-Flip in Minneapolis, MN

You know what,
Flip, that’s supposed to be your job, but the fact that you are asking some
idiot with a blogspot account what to do with the most valuable asset the
Wolves have had since KG is a pretty big indictment on your competence. Anyways, if I were you, I would keep talking
to GS about Klay Thompson with no actual intention of obtaining him in a deal
for Love. I don’t think Klay is good
enough to headline a deal for a Love. He’s
a fine piece, but not someone you want to have to pay the max in a year. Instead, I would hope that leaks about the
impending deal will cause another team to panic, and I would get on my knees
and start praying that Cleveland is the team that panics and offers the #1 pick
for Love. The other thing that I would
for sure do, and this is ancillary, is demand that JJ Barea is a part of the
deal as well because the idea that Love is unable to escape JJ makes me
chuckle. Other than that, I would
probably wait out the Carmelo Anothony market and try and deal Love to whoever
misses out on Melo. I would not under
any circumstance enter Opening Night with him on roster. Just rip the band-aid off, Flip.