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I’m not sure about you, but when foot is set in my house, READ THE RULES. They are on the wall!Kelly sent me the picture above today she found on Reddit.com, and it got me to thinking—everyone has rules. I wonder how bizarre they are. Take, for instance, a rule of mine: Pants off at the door. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Right? One that comes to mind and I can’t seem to shake is the toilet seat rule. I was raised to always put the toilet seat down for the women in the house. You may say to yourself, “There’s nothing bizarre about that.” Well, it is. I’m a guy, and I live alone. Why should I care about whether the seat is up or down? Thanks mom. This has now become the bane of my existence.

So in the spirit of sharing, I’m going to give you a list I’ve been compiling over the years and some additions I’ve gotten from friends today.

Pants off at the door. This was no joke. I’m a freak.

Close the door behind you. You weren’t raised in a barn. Or maybe you were. Who knows? Shut that shit behind you up in my house.

Light a match if you can wait ‘til you get home to drop a deuce. Thanks Jesse.

If you’re attractive, no shirt. Again, thanks Jesse. I’ll remember that next time I’m over. Can I lose my pants, too?

Turn the lights off when you exit an empty room. Come on! Let’s make this a better place. Just you and me!

Shoes off at the front door. Exception: if your feet stink or your socks are gross. I’ll get it. There’s no need to verbalize this. Just move on.

No smacking. God! Why do people eat/chew like that. Gross bastards.

If you break, you buy. Got it? Good!

If you’re visiting for a while, no sex in my bed. We’ll get you an air mattress. Oh, Sport, you’re so clever.

I’m stealing this one from the image above–#13. What? I’m a voyeur. Don’t act like you wouldn’t watch, too. Sheesh!

Tell me Scoundrels, now that you’re in your 30s and comfortable in your own, what are the Bitch-you’d-betta-abide-or-get-the-fuck-out rules you’ve indoctrinated at your Chateau?

1. If you turn on the TV, news channels and Lifetime are not allowed.
2. I have a dog. There may be some hair. Get over it.
3. If you go through my medicine cabinet and see something funny, share it with everybody else.
4. Beer goes in the fridge or on ice. Do not let beer sit out. Warm beer is gross.
5. Hug everyone upon arriving and leaving. Even if you’ve never met. ESPECIALLY if you’ve never met.

1. Put your feet on my furniture. I spent a lot of hours testing couches and I picked the biggest, most comfortable one in the tri-county area. Get comfortable. And the coffee table is an ottoman. FEET. ON IT. Or I’ll be offended.

2. We’ll be talking about roller derby at some point during your visit. There’s no way around it. Learn to love it.

3. My booze is your booze. Help yourself.

4. If you enjoy too much of my booze, I will ask you to sleep on my unbelievably comfortable couch rather than attempt to drive home. Of course, if you just want to sleep on my couch even if you’re sober, you can do that, too.