Dec 29, 2009

please tell me you're just feeling tired... cause if it's more than that, I fear that I might break. (out of touch, out of time) please send me anything but signals that are mixed... cause I can't read your rolling eyes (out of touch, are we out of time?)

Close-lipped,

another goodnight kiss is robbed of all it's passion.

Your grip

("another time") is slack;

it leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow... maybe you'll feel better then. (maybe we'll be better then) So what's another day? when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you. This mood of yours is temporary; it seems worth the wait to see your smile again.

I have had no change in medication nor any visits with a therapist of any sort.

Interestingly enough, I notice an improvement nevertheless.

Of course there have been changes -- most notably academically. With a lot of support and encouragement from people, I changed my major to English, and met with an advisor to plan out the extra year I'd be taking. I'd really always wanted to major in English... but something about Filipino families makes their children feel like failures if they don't become doctors. My parents are a lot more understanding now though, so that helps.

So I'm enjoying school more, and less stressed. Chris is infinitely supportive and loving as usual, and I can go to Brit or Tom if I'd rather talk to someone else.

I'm visiting aforementioned wonderful boyfriend and staying with him and his family for the holidays. Leaving the 16th at night... I cannot wait. :)

Some things still require conscious effort to go through and I am still unsure about this papercut-phobia I seem to have. It's just weird.

All in all, this the first winter I've found myself happy during for years.

I adore their latest album, This War Is Ours, completely, and not just because their leading single featured Josh Todd. Honest! (but FUCK, he's so hot.) I just love the lyrics and overall energy of the album -- I haven't seen it myself since I was out of the country when the Vegas boys were in Portland (waaaaah), but I hear Craig Mabbitt's stage performance is just as exciting.

At the moment, I've got "We Won't Back Down" going on iTunes; they're really almost a whole new band. I mean, I guess that's what happens when your band makes a pit stop in DramaVille and you lose your lead singer and a guitarist. I sort of feel that if you're getting a whole new songwriter, you're getting a whole new band. But hey! That's just me. I'm sure they just kept their name to hold onto their fan base.

Anyway, back to the single -- I'm going to have to give it a thumbs down. They sound pretty generic, and if this was the first ETF track I heard I definitely wouldn't have followed up. The lyrics aren't bad; they're a bit emo for my tastes, but they're not bad. I think Craig's vocals mesh with their sound really well.

So, sorry Ronnie! I think my expectations were just too high from the new Escape the Fate.

Nov 13, 2009

Officially, I have only been diagnosed with clinical depression and anorexia nervosa. I'm on and off medication for anxiety and am "slightly" obsessive compulsive.

None of this is new. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm pretty fucked up in the head years ago.

But that has yet to keep me from pursuing causation and further biological explanations.

Incredibly recently, I found myself curled up in a chair with some article on some psychological disorders -- while having a panic attack. It dawned on me then how utterly ridiculous it was to be so tied up in finding out why this was happening to me that I neglected to pull myself out of the hole.

And I do this all the time. I have a suspicion that is one of the core reasons I decided to major in biology. Just yesterday I listened to someone who has done a lot of research on Filipino American psychology. Instantly it became necessary for me to learn more about my heritage.

I read once that in order for anything to actually get done you must focus on the solution, not the problem. It's completely opposite of my instinct, but has almost always proven to be much more beneficial.

Sep 7, 2009

There are many words that have come to my sad mind, but such little motivation to do anything that noting them down feels frivolous. It is a shame. I have forgotten many of them, and cannot say whether that is for better or for worse.

I currently lie in bed alone, having seen to sleep the love of my life, who begins his first day of class for this term tomorrow. I should also be in dreamland, but instead I find myself crying like a pathetic little nag. Unable to cope with change, yet unable to bear with the present. My parents are in Australia for my uncle's funeral. I have let myself run out of medication and desperately need more. I can feel it, and I only have myself to blame. No one knows, and I only have myself to blame. I feel as though I am killing myself and no one knows. And I only have myself to blame.

Jun 18, 2009

...eat regularly. I cannot eat adequate amounts even when I do. I cannot make decisions, cannot drink enough water, cannot help but feel pressured and frustrated. So much that I am unable to do. I can't

Jun 11, 2009

I have always been a picky eater, but I've never lost all enjoyment from food. Nothing tastes good anymore. I reach for water when I am thirsty and crackers (without salt, even) when I'm hungry. I don't understand how it's possible to not like chocolate cake, but I guess I don't understand a lot of things.

Sleeping less because I keep tossing and turning at night. Not tired. I dunno.

I am not sure how to tell you this, but I assume that you have also seen it coming.

I would like you to cancel your flight and hotel reservation for next week. I am more than willing to pay you back and cover any fees you get for cancellation. I intend to withdraw from school, which means I will find a job to pay off loans and bills, so do not worry about my financial state.

In an admittedly half-assed attempt to "go down swinging," I am prepared to speak with you about this, along with answering any questions you may have and listening to anything you may have to say to me no matter how harsh. I understand that this weekend is going to be pretty busy for you, so just pencil me in when you can. You may say as much or as little as you so desire.

To save time, if you ever feel the need to ask how I am doing, just don't. I feel worse than I ever have before. Every word I could pull from the saddest songs and my most miserable of poetry apply, and it feels ten-fold. I am sorry, I am scared, I am lonely, I am hopeless. I am worthless, I am angry, I am given up on, I am a lost cause. I am depressed, lost, weak, disgusted, aching, trembling, terrified, sleepless, lonely, abandoned. I am utterly broken.

" I can't help it, baby, this is who I am. "

I cannot bear to continue a relationship, much less of this distance. I cannot bear to rely so heavily on one person that they take on all responsibility for my well-being. I hate being able to so easily hide things from you and as a result cause myself -- and inevitably, you -- more suffering.

Understand that this is neither direction of blame towards you nor a request for pity -- only the truth as I keep behind bloodshot eyes. You are not at fault. Nothing is expected from you, and reasonable requests you make from me will not be turned down.