FAIL COLUMN: A Romance Between Bacon and Dorn

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We here at Total Frat Move receive a lot of submissions. Most of them are terrible piles of dog shit that deserve to be printed out and burned. This submission is one of those.

Disclaimer: the following column is a factual account of the first meeting of Bacon and everyone’s favorite uncle, Uncle Rodge. No names or events were changed.

It was a pleasantly warm may afternoon and a newly graduated Bacon arrived at his new job at Total Frat Move in Austin, TX. “I sure hope my new co workers don’t mind I’m from a shitty school like Mizzou.” He thought to himself as he pulled into the parking lot.

While he is walking into the building his eye catches a glimpse of what looks like a man with the physique of Betty White doing lady push ups. “My mind must be playing tricks on me.” He says as he dismisses the sight to being nervous and heads up to the office.

After he is introduced to the staff, Bacon is shown to his office where he begins to settle in and unpack the small box of personal effects he brought with him. Just as he finishes hanging his Mizzou diploma which is mistaken for a Denny’s child’s place mat most times, a high pitched, nasally voice invades his eardrums. “Hey, you must be the new guy. Golly, it’s sure nice to have fresh meat er I mean fresh face in the office.” Bacon turns around to greet his co worker, as he gazes upon the emaciated face from which the voice came from, he realizes it is the same man lady he saw doing lady push ups out front. “Hello, my name is Roger Dorn, and you are?” Said Dorn in that pre pubescent voice. “My name is Bacon, nice to meet you.” These introductions were followed by the most dead fish, limp wrist handshake known to man.

All through out the day Bacon could not get the thought of Dorn out of his mind no matter how hard he tried. This confused Bacon because he had always thought of himself as a straight man. But his mind kept wandering back to the sight of Dorn’s lanky, saggy skinned physique glistening in sweat as he did lady push ups. As Bacon walked around the office to get a lay of the land he walks by a golden tee game set up to a flat screen TV. And who should be playing a round at that time? None other than Roger Dorn. As Bacon stares fixated on the game being played, Dorn has his eye on something else. “Hey new guy, want to learn how to palm the ol golden tee ball?” Asked Dorn. “I’ve always wanted to learn how to play Golden Tee.” Replied Bacon….

What did this new revelation mean for Bacon? Was he questioning his own sexuality?

Stay tuned for chapter 2 when Dorn really gets behind Bacon’s yearning to learn how to play Golden Tee. Same frat time same frat channel.

What’s saddest about this piece is that the author hyped it up for us on Twitter after he submitted it. He was excited.

Here’s a fun fact: Whenever someone tweets at us about a piece they submitted, telling us we need to check it out, we 1) Laugh about how big of a tool that person is, and 2) Almost never read it.

In fact, the only reason I read this is because it had my pen name in it, and I’m vain.

Now, I’m sure the author will play this off as, “Oh I just wrote some dumb shit really quick and submitted it. Whatever.” Lies. Despite the fact that his article came in at just under 500 words, i.e. the length of a learning disabled 2nd grader’s essay, there is no doubt some sincere effort was put into this. Here’s a short list of things the author would have been better served doing instead of spending his time crafting this dumpster fire:

6) Watch The Happening, which, despite being a terrible film, is still infinitely more enjoyable than this pile of garbage.

People might be thinking, “Oh Bacon, you’re just angry because he’s calling you gay.” First off, if I got angry every time someone on this website called me gay, I’d have medically unprecedented rage issues. Second, I laugh at the gay jokes directed at me all the time. That Narnia crack from TFM mean comments the other day was great. Somehow, despite being easily one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen, I even thought this was hilarious.

The readers of this website have problems.

What really gets me is that the author spends two whole jokes on Mizzou being a bad school. According to your profile, you went to Towson, asshole. Towson. The fuck is that? I looked it up on Forbes’ rankings of America’s best colleges. Towson came in a whole 192 spots lower than the University of Missouri (ranked 400 and 208, respectively). I have a lot of school pride, but I don’t pretend I went to an Ivy or anything. You, however, went to what seems to be just barely a step above a community college. Congrats.

This was terrible, and you’re bad at being a troll, which is like being bad at throwing rocks. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Wait, one more thing, “same frat time, same frat channel?” Please wander into traffic.

Rob Fox (né Bacon) is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. Rob is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co