and opposite him there is an old lady, sitting down with a handbag on her lap. As the train pulls away, the old lady opens up her handbag, pulls out a bible, opens it at a bookmark and starts reading it to herself. When the train starts to slow down for the next station, the old lady marks her place in the bible, closes it, and then pops it back in her handbag. But she stays sitting down. As the train pulls away, she takes the book out of the bag again and continues reading. As the train pulls in to the next station, she marks her place in the bible, closes it and pops it in her handbag. And again, as the train pulls away, she takes the bible out of her handbag and continues to read. Now, the man is starting to get very curious about this, but decides that it would be rude to say anything. This behaviour continues on for several more stops, and eventually the man can't contain his curiousity. As the old lady is reading her bible, he leans across and says, "Excuse me, but why do you read your bible when the train is moving, but not when it's stationary?" And the old lady looks up, marks her place in her bible with her finger and answers: "Why don't you just fuck off?"

A Portuguese, a Frenchman and an Englishman bet 500 euros they can win the money jumping of a building. The Englishman says "by England!" (here, and in the following, "by" means "for", as both are used as "por" in Portuguese in this context), jumps and dies; the frenchman says "by France!", jumps and dies; the Portuguese says "by the stairs!", goes and wins the money.

The butcher replies, "no, we're a butchers, we don't sell matches". The duck shrugs and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks "have you got any matches?"
The butcher replies, "no, I told your yesterday, we're a butchers, we don't sell matches". The duck shrugs and leaves.

The following day, the duck returns and before he can say anything the butcher says "look, I told you yesterday, we're a butchers, we don't sell matches, so if you ask if I sell matches, I'll nail your bill to the counter." The duck pauses and then asks, "have you got any nails?", the butcher angrily replies "no, we're a fucking butcher, we don't have any fucking nails." "In which case", the duck replies, "have you got any matches?"

Mum & Dad decide that instead of sleeping with them, it's time for Baby to sleep in his own bed. So Mum Ballon puts him to sleep in his own bed, but he wakes up in the middle of the night and decides to sneak back in with them (this is SFW, by the way).

Baby Balloon tries to squeeze in between them in his usual spot but they are just too close together. So he decides to let a very small amount of air out of Dad Balloon then tries again: still too tight. He then lets out a little air from Mum and tries to squeeze into the gap again: still too tight - just. As a last resort he lets quite a lot of his own air out and that does the trick - he snuggles down in between them and goes to sleep.

Next morning Dad Balloon is not happy and he takes Baby Balloon to one side for a talking to. ''I'm extremely disappointed in you'' he begins ''You said that you'd stay in your own bed. Instead, I find you in our bed this morning.

I'm very unhappy about this - you've let me down, you've let your mum down, and most of all you've let yourself down.''

What's the definition of eternal love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Why do tigers get lost?
Cos jungle is massive.

You guys heard the one about the drummer who gets fed up of drummer jokes?
He's so fed up of all his friends taking the piss out of him for being a drummer so he decides to quit drums and take up guitar.
He goes into the attic and finds a battered old acoustic and then heads down to his local shop for some strings and a tuition book.
Drummer: I'd like two packets of guitar strings and a guitar tuition book please.
Shop Keeper: Oh dear, you're a drummer aren't you?
Drummer: That's amazing! How did you know that?
Shop Keeper: Because this is a fucking FISH SHOP mate!

He goes to the zoo, thinks 'I'll see some animals'. He goes to the bird house, but there are no birds in there. He looks in the penguin pool, but there are no penguins in it. The tiger cage has no tigers. The lizard house has nothing but empty habitats. No rhinos or elephants, no monkeys.

He's walking around, thinking 'where are all the animals?', when he reaches a small cage right at the back of the zoo. In it, there's just a little tiny dog with long fur, all on its own.