My mother and I can usually tolerate each other, but it has gotten to the point that our relationship is completely explosive. I can’t stand her, she can’t stand me. I don’t know what’s going on and honestly I don’t think it’s fixable.

You’re probably thinking I’m crazy because she is the one woman that is supposed to love me unconditionally, the woman that actually materialized me, the woman that is supposed to be my heroine. I am actually dead ass jealous of the girls that they can say in all honesty that their mother is their best friend because I can honestly and most definitely say she is not mine.

I tend to think that since we have such a monetary relationship I feel like I owe her all the time. So, I take her hits and try to keep quiet. Yet, recently I haven’t been able to. I have started to stand up for myself because I can’t take it anymore and it’s complete bullshit. She doesn’t have the right to treat me like shit because she buys me things and supports me. I shouldn’t feel obligated to take her shit because if not she will cut me off and I will be completely fucked.

There are things that she says to me that have stung so hard I can’t forget them. The time I told her I got accepted into a program at another college out of our city to study the career she studied and well ultimate goal succeed in life, she had the fucking nerve to tell me that “you only want to go because you have no friends here”. Are you fucking serious? How much of a lower blow could that have been? I am telling you, this woman is 54 years old. FIFTY FUCKING FOUR. How could a parent ever say that type of shit to their child? She was trying to intentionally hurt me. On a side note, I do have friends here. She is such a control freak that she thinks I am leaving because I want to hurt her. Why would I want to hurt my mother? She thinks everything is about her and well it’s really not.

This mission trip I’m going on. It’s something she has done a million times in her country. Instead of being happy with me because I am participating in my community and getting more involved in my faith, she is super skeptical and has fought me every step of the way. I am honestly looking forward to this because I can separate from my phone and maybe chill out from her for that week and a half.

Lastly the other day I told her I was getting a second piercing on my ear. You know, the second hole that everyone has? Yes, that one. Well I told her while my family was eating and of course she was annoyed with me because everything I ever tell her she isn’t okay with or happy with. After everyone left and we are picking up the table she looks at me and says “I want to get another piercing” in a mocking voice. Let me repeat, she is fifty four. FIFTY FOUR. What the fuck kind of reaction is this? This woman that is supposed to love me unconditionally, fucking mocked me. If that isn’t messed up, I don’t know what is.

It took me a long time to realize this but I have and there is nothing I can do. I will never be enough for her. She will never be satisfied with me. She will fight everything that I tell her and ask her. She will probably hate me as long as I live. Yes, I know hate is a strong word but there is no other way to describe the way she looks at me. And yes when she has no one else to talk to, she will pretend she didn’t just lash out at me and she will try and have a normal conversation with me. NOPE.

Yes, this is indeed from Meredith in Grey’s Anatomy. Tonight I saw an episode that spoke volumes to me and made me so incredibly happy. Why? Because I am the biggest hopeless romantic I know and it’s kind of pathetic, but I’m proud.

To give a little bit of background on this, there are two characters that were together for a while and were perfect for each other on so many levels but they didn’t last. Soon after they both started dating other people and it just so happens that right when the other one is about to get married the other one stands up and declares his love for her.This sounds like the most cliche thing in the whole world but come on! I did mention I was a hopeless romantic.

You don’t understand how happy this made my heart. It’s so beautiful that even though they lost each other, somewhere along the way their paths still reconnected. It made me happy because I want a love like that. Maybe not one that makes me leave a guy at the altar but one that is so strong that we’ll find our way back to each other when we get lost. Though you know, the goal is to never get lost, we are still human and shit happens. I hope that one day someone will look at me the way that Avery looks at April (the couple that finally got together).

Sometimes it’s frustrating and I honestly admit that I tend to settle. It’s just that I have all this love to give but no one to give it to. I am super impatient and I mostly end up messing up whatever it is I had with a guy. I guess that’s not so bad though because every guy I have ever talked with was never interested in something serious. How do you even control that? To me it’s like blasphemy. How do you stop yourself from having feelings for someone? Isn’t the whole point of being with someone to see if you’re a match for life? That’s the way I see it anyway. Why waste your time if you’re not going to be serious about it? I guess I should shut up and take my own advice.

It’s most definitely so hard not to settle though. I want to feel loved and I want to love. Sometimes a guy won’t be looking for something serious but will give you attention and pretend love to get what they want. So, I settle for that and hope it’s enough to feed my soul.

Have you ever used the phrase: “I want to kill myself” ? Honestly, that’s usually just what it always is right? A phrase? We never mean it, it’s just a way of saying we are having a shitty day or a shitty time. So, what happens when someone really means it? What happens then? What do you say? Do you say anything at all? Is there really anything in the world you could possibly say back to that?

In my opinion, no.

I have an older brother who, I think suffers from depression. I feel like I am always trying to take care of him, and I don’t mind even though I am the younger one and it’s kind of supposed to be vice versa. Some days he’s fine and pretty normal but other days he can’t seem to get out of bed. This is not the worst part though, this is cake compared to when I hear the words “I want to kill myself” come out of his mouth. I try to help him but when he says this I feel like the world’s most helpless human and the somewhat medium sized rock that I have been carrying on my shoulders suddenly gets ginormous and crushes me until I can’t breathe. I used to think that he was joking. Everyone jokes about killing themselves, right? So I used to just kind of ignore it, because I’m pretty good at that.

You know how almost a lot of teenagers go through an emo phase? Yeah well, that was my brother and I. Mostly skinny jeans and sort of rock music on my end, but my brother went all out. He even had those thick bracelets you wear to hide your scars under. Yes, the wrist cutting. My brother would show me his and I would laugh because he was taking the emo thing pretty far. Then one day out of curiosity I tried it and was actually shocked by the amount of pain it created.

I remember the first time I actually realized it was serious. We were talking and then he told me how he was on top of a parking garage ready to jump. Please tell me, what in the fucking world do you say to that? WHAT?! I cannot for the love of me even begin to understand a feeling like that. He needs help, I know. But I don’t think I can help him. I can do a lot of things, I’m not sure treating depression is one of the above.

Has he seen a therapist? Yes he has, not for too long though. Maybe they weren’t a good match? I’m not sure, but he needs help now more than ever. I’ve told my parents, they don’t seem to understand. My father thinks he just needs to grow up like he thinks my hand sweat is psychological. Mind you, I’m not saying they’re negligent. I just think maybe it’s the fact that they grew up differently than my brother and I. My parents work very hard to make our dreams possible and because of this are hardly ever around. I don’t blame them, they are the sole reason I can carry out the education I am.

I hope this is a phase. I hope that he will turn his life around and later on in his life he will look back and think of how silly he was to ever feel like ending his life. I hope the day he looks his kids in the eyes, he’ll be reminded of how precious life is. I hope, I hope, I hope.

I took part in an internship that changed my life. The Disney College Program taught me so many things about myself as well as people in general. It made me realize how strong of a person I am and when I forget I have memories to rely back on that remind me of my strength.

Let’s start from the very beginning. So, one day I applied on a whim because my friend was recommending it and I thought “ehh why not?”. I honestly didn’t think I was going to get in because if any of you are aware of the odds, they aren’t exactly great. When I got my acceptance letter not only could I not believe it, I cried like a baby. Getting into this program was honestly one of my biggest accomplishments as well as one of my biggest blessings. This program gave me back much more than I ever gave to it and for that I am eternally grateful.

I’ve always been somewhat shy (okay, extremely) but Disney took me out of my comfort zone every day that I was working. I did it for so long that by the end of my program, I wanted to be out of my comfort zone. Talking to people from all over the world, every day is an extremely unique experience. Disney taught me patience and to be humble as well as to not curse out back the person yelling at you. People are impatient and rude but you gotta swallow it and move on with your day. Why? Because in your day you will also meet a family that you will want to bend over backwards because of how nice they are.

The friendships I made during my program are the type of friendships you make once in a lifetime. Needless to say that when our programs all ended, depression hit hard. These friends that I love all very dearly, from roommates to coworkers, took a piece of my heart wherever they went home to. I guess for me this was the hardest part of the end of my program, saying goodbye. In the beginning I didn’t think that I would meet people or make friends for that matter. But I did and I’m so glad for it. Everyone I met touched my life and impacted it for the good.

“How was the Disney College Program?” The only question people will ever ask you after you get back from your program. What’s my answer? “Oh, it was amazing!”. Why? Because I don’t know how to answer. There are no words for all the emotions that are related to that question. There are no words to describe the magic I felt all those months. There are no words to describe how much I miss my second home. There are no words to describe the person I’ve become because of it. There are no words to describe how creating magic for others is my favorite thing in the world. There are no words.

Do you ever just sit and wonder if soul mates are a real thing? Or maybe it’s just people romanticizing relationships like we romanticize everything that exists?

I, for one, tend to believe that there is one person that was made for me and vice versa. But see? This is the problem. This is where the anxiety kicks in and my person starts asking questions like “what if your paths never cross?”. Well, fate is a thing too. Right?

I guess I should take back my first statement on me believing there are soul mates and rather say that I want to believe they are. I just find the idea of it so beautiful, unique, and special. You need to feel special? Remember that somewhere out in the world there is another person that exists just for you and you for them. How beautiful is that?

Through my experiences though, I guess you could say I am nowhere near close to finding my knight in shinning armor. Yeah, I know I’m still young but it doesn’t change the fact that I am so eager to find the one person I’ll spend my life with forever. You know, some people get really hung up over that statement. Like, how could you possibly be with one person the rest of your life? I actually find comfort in this because if you haven’t noticed people come and go all the time. I find comfort in having at least one person that will be someone I can consider a constant.

Today was too hectic for my friend’s and my own good. Since summer has started, any and all errands needed to be run are of course thrown at me by my parents. You may think, how many errands can they possibly be throwing at her? I swear I am not being dramatic when I say I was driving all day. The thing is my family has recently opened up a new clinic and we are trying to get some exposure by going to daycares and letting them know of the clinic. Well, not only did I visit six different daycares, I also had to go to a doctor’s office because his signature was needed for one of our clients to start therapy.

So as I wait in the waiting room, not really sure why because I was supposed to just drop it off and they could have fax it back to us. The lady in the front tells me to just sit and wait. After what seems like a forever forty-five minutes I want to cry. I get up to tell the lady to just take it because I am leaving and then she tells me to wait that they are going to place me in a room. In a room? I just needed the guy to sign the stupid paper. At this point I was annoyed but it seemed like things might be moving along. Was I right though? NOPE. I then sit in the room for another painful thirty minutes. Then, guess what? I GOT SENT TO ANOTHER ROOM.

At this point I hit two hours for a simple signature so I get up, go to the receptionists and tell her that I am leaving. At this second my friend that was with me was able to catch the doctor in the hallway and called him in to sign the papers for us. He seemed nice, yet had a creepy santa vibe look to him. Once he realized what we needed him to sign he started getting angry and yelling at us because apparently there is a protocol to this and the parents of the child were supposed to be doing what we were doing. Why? So he can charge his patients to literally sign a piece of paper. How fucked up is that?

Anyway, I finally got the signatures and was able to leave that horrible place. I might actually take time out of my day to give him a horrible review on yelp or something. It really saddens me that just because I am young, people like him think they have the rite to talk down to us. If I was any older no way would he have talked to me the way he did. If I give you respect, it’s only simple courtesy to return it. Asshole.

Let me start off by saying that this blog is not about religion, it just happens to be relevant right now in my life. In a few weeks I will be going to Haiti on a mission trip which I am as excited as I am scared about. Anyway, we have these meetings to prepare for the trip and today’s topic was praying and spirituality.

Since you guys don’t know me very well, I should give a little bit of a background on what my religious standings are. I was raised catholic by my parents, and well I’m still catholic to this day. I don’t however consider my person to be very religious. I tend to zone out at church and I honestly don’t pray unless I am knee-deep into shit and have no idea how to get out. So, why the mission trip? Well for all my life religion has been forced upon me and well the usual pray before the meal, go to church, pray in the car, etc. I guess I’ve gotten to a point in my life where things need to make sense and I need to stop being a robot, just going through the motions. So basically, I refuse to believe that religion is just the obligatory Sunday mass hence the mission trip.

Before I get too off tangent here, back to praying and spirituality. In the meeting our group leader, which is one of the greatest persons ever if I might add, asked us how we pray. I thought about this pretty hard because like I mentioned, I don’t pray unless it’s a literal cry for help. Yet, as I was thinking I realized that I actually do pray a lot more than I ever thought I did or would. What is prayer? A conversation between you and your higher being. Though I rarely formally pray saying things like Hail Marys for example, conversation happens between him and I all the time. Because when I think I’m talking to myself, it’s him I am actually talking to.

So, I got home after my meeting to an empty house. After three episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, I decide it’s time to get up from the couch and go to the gym. I go upstairs and walk into my parent’s room (they have an image of Jesus hanging about their bed) and I find myself looking at this painting. I suddenly start talking to it about my fears, who I want to be, who I’m scared to become, what I feel like I need in my life. Overall, unanswered life questions that we all have. After what seemed like forever of me talking out loud to a painting, I felt peace. That’s when I knew, this is what praying is.