Bridechilla meets Momzilla

Dear Amy: I am getting married next summer, and have been dealing with a ton of wedding stress.

One of the major contributors to this stress is my mom.

I have tried very hard to be a Bridechilla (instead of a Bridezilla), but I am getting so frustrated I don’t know what to do! I wanted to involve my mom in my wedding planning, so I brought her to everything. But every time I decide on what I want, she is unhappy about how bad my choices are!

When she visited my wedding venue, she wouldn’t even look around. She frowned the whole time; when dress shopping she told me I was fat and ugly in my dream dress; when I showed her my wedding invitations she told me they were not nice or classy because I did not use gold foil.

Now she is upset because I am involving her less and she feels I am involving my future mother-in-law more. This is completely not true!

The only difference is when I say no to my mother-in-law, she accepts my decision – whereas my mom will continuously complain about past issues and honestly never has anything nice to say about my wedding. She even said to me yesterday, “This is MY wedding. Well, it’s yours, but it’s also mine!”

I honestly don’t know what to do, I want to have this wonderful experience of planning my wedding and keep her involved, but I am so sick of her raining on my parade and making it all about her! What should I do?!

– Trying to be a Bridechilla

Dear Trying: You’ve tried your best to solicit your mother’s positive involvement, and she just can’t seem to get there. Frankly, calling you “fat and ugly” while you modeled your wedding dress should have marked the stark end of her involvement. That statement is not a supportive opinion; it’s flat-out mean-spirited.

This is not your mother’s wedding. It is yours. Now you will have to do the adult thing and proceed by being your own best friend, and by making choices you want to make, regardless of how your mother feels about these choices. She has simply lost the right to weigh in with any authority.

I suggest you stop trying to draw her in and instead merely tell her that you love her and that you hope she can find a way to be happy for you. Your mother’s assignment moving forward should be to find a dress for herself that she likes, and to focus on ways to make this celebration a positive one for herself and other family members.

In the future, when she expresses negative emotions or opinions, you should only respond: “Well, Mom, I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s it.

Dear Amy: We have two step-grandchildren, ages 16 and 14.

My wife and I have always tried to welcome and include them in every event, whether in or out of our homes.

They absolutely refuse to participate and typically sit in a guest room on their phones. They do not even acknowledge gifts.

Their father is a great guy and is embarrassed by their behavior. We continue to include them but have accepted that this is how it is.

Any advice?

– Step-Grandparents

Dear Grandparents: It sounds as if your daughter is the stepmother to these children. She and her husband should try harder to urge their children toward participating, at least in a superficial way. Do they have any creative ideas? Relationships are built through sometimes glancing experiences, and I hope you make it clear to these kids that you value having them in your family, even if you’re still trying to get to know them.

Understand that in the best situations, teens often more or less “opt-out” of family gatherings. You might not notice this behavior so much – or be as bothered by it – if these teens didn’t have “step” status.

Be brave enough to ask these kids to help you set the table, stir the sauce or serve the brownies. Understand and tolerate some awkwardness. And keep trying.

Dear Amy: I felt for the “Gluten-free Hosts,” who had a very demanding dinner guest with (it sounded like) celiac disease.

The guest who insisted that they basically sterilize their kitchen was being unreasonable.

I have celiac, and I understand that sometimes I have to bring my own food. You get used to it.

– Gluten-free Guest

Dear Guest: When you bring your own food, you know exactly what you are getting.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: Askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.