The Secrets of Pure Managers, from the Indian Software Industry

[Author's note: I'm planning a serious article on the broader
issues facing the Indian software industry. I'll get around to
this after my itch to code
abates.

The Secrets of Pure Managers, from the Indian Software Industry

... sometimes you feel that you are living in a nightmare. You
bide your time in an organization where you know next to nothing
(save a few buzzwords). The people you manage are brighter, more
knowledgeable and more energetic than you could hope to be. How does
one cope? What is the future of your career? ...

Read on to find answers ...

The disciple and the sage

The disciple went up to Gargi Yagnyavalka and offered the sage the
customary salute.

``Teacher'', he asked, ``can you explain to me the secrets of pure
managers? I have been a student of the Indian software industry for
many years but I am unable to understand the role that pure managers
played. My heart is now troubled, and I am unable to sleep at night.
I have now begun seeing visions of tessaracts spinning in 4-space and
my dreams are full of strings vibrating in Calabi-Yau spaces.''

The sage put down the CD-ROM twirling on his finger and looked
at the student over the rims of his spectacles.

``Very well'', said Gargi, looking at the earnest young man
in front of him. ``First, let us review some definitions.''

``What is a Pure Manager?''

``A manager who manages a team without having a clue about the
work that the team does'', said the novice.

``Good. And what is a deliverable?''

``Something of value to a customer, O Sage'', replied the young
man.

``Is a status report a deliverable?''

``No, O sage. A computer cannot execute a status report.''

``And what about a Quality Plan?''

``O sage, a Quality Plan in itself also has little value to the
customer.''

``So what is a deliverable, then?'', asked the sage.

``Something the customer can use, to serve his need. A working program,
perhaps'', answered the novice.

``Good'', the sage was pleased. ``Now, in a project managed
by a Pure Manager, who determines the progress of the
project?''

``The people working in the team, O sire'', replied the novice,
``for the pure manager, by definition, cannot determine the
correctness of any course of action, since he hath no clue about
the merits of one path over the other.''

``So what does the Pure Manager bring to the project team?'', asked
the sage.

The disciple was silent. The sage continued, ``Have you
spent the necessary hours studying the dynamics of team meetings?''

``Yes, teacher, using our history-scope to peer into the past'', said
the novice.

``What have you observed?'', asked the sage.

``I have observed that Pure Managers sit at their desk, masterfully
holding their mice, whilst their techies sit hunched up, unsure of
themselves, as if ashamed of their nerdiness'', the student replied.

``And what was the nature of the interactions between the team and
manager?'', asked the sage.

``The techies were very young and needed frequent reassurance'',
said the novice.

``And the Pure Manager provided reassurance?'', asked the sage.

``Yes, teacher, the techies seemed to ascribe great value to
his facial expressions.''

The sage was pleased with the students perspicacity. ``This then,
is what the Pure Manager brings to the meeting table'',
he said. ``Engineers, being unsure of themselves and being
inherently driven by logic, seek meaning for their existence in this
world. On finding no obvious, undisputed meaning, these youngsters
panic, and search for someone to structure their lives for
them. The Pure Manager serves to fill in this niche.''

The student was silent for a while. ``Tell me more about the
secrets of the Pure Managers'', he asked.

``Very well'', said the sage. ``The only real role
for a pure manager is to periodically say Tatha Astu
["so be it" in Sanskrit], to his team members. However, some care
has to be exercised in playing this role. These are the guidelines:

The Pure Manager must not say Tatha Astu too often;
once in a while, he should look serious and say "No". Doing
so will preserve the apparent value of his "Yes".

The Pure Manager should practise every morning on his smile.

The Pure Manager must endeavour to project an all-knowing and
sagacious look. A facial expression representing a state midway between
constipation and Buddha-like enlightenment has been found to work the
best.''

``O Sage,'' said the novice, ``your description reminds me of the
priests in my native land.''

Gargi, looked with renewed interest at the young man. ``Indeed.
The similarities are deep. Let us compare the two.''

Editor's note: we have presented Gargi's comparision in a
convenient tabular form below

Atonal chanting of mantras, singing in an
extinct language by a choir, and/or enthusiastic, loud, off-key singing
by planted members in the congregation

Droning presentations full of unfathomable phrases
like ``forward looking progress'' and ``synergistic competition''

Apparent Topic

Your "next life" or "life in heaven" (without presenting
evidence of re-incarnation or of the existence of "heaven")

The next business initiative, or the next process
improvement (without there being evidence of any initiative, process
or improvement in the organization)

Actual statement

``Your life will be meaningful if you do as I say (and give
me money)''

``Your life will be meaningful if you do as I say (and earn
my promotion)''

``I still don't understand how it works.'' said the novice.

Gargi, looked at the earnest young man. ``Student, one of the deepest
needs of a human being is that the world she perceives be
understandable. So when a believer goes to a
priest or manager desiring guidance, and gets in return an
almost meaningful string of symbols and sounds, the person has two
choices:

(a) she has to admit to herself that she has been an idiot to
waste her time, or,
(b) she creates her own "meaning" to the string of symbols and
sounds she is perceiving.

In most cases, it is option (b) that she settles for. Then since
the person now "owns" her private meaning of the symbols she encountered,
she becomes even more reluctant to confront reality.''

``Does any meaningless ritual or slide set work then?'', asked the
student.

``No, my son'', said the sage, ``there is an art to Pure
Management too.''

``First, your religous rituals or company initiatives should be
within reach of your target population. For example, cook up rituals
that your older believers can do while sitting down, rather than
requiring energetic physical activity from them; it is difficult to
be religious in the middle of an aerobic workout. At the same time
do not make your rituals too easy to perform; so prolong your
meetings arbitrarily or schedule them for inconvenient times of the day
like 4:00am.''

``Your presentations, meetings or religious rituals need to be almost
meaningful, just on the border of making sense. If they are
too random, then your believers will catch on to your game.
Conversely, if by mistake, you happen give your reportees
something with real meaning to do, they will not need you anymore.''

The disciple was silent for a while. ``I now understand why
the number of priests in India surged after the IT industry crash
of the early 21st century. Thank you, O Sage, for your
time.''