Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Grandma's House

501 South Lee......

I got a text from my brother last night, it said: "Did you see my email about Grandma's house?" I knew immediately that it was up for sale. Last time I was back home it looked just like this picture, pretty rough around the edges.

I always nursed the hidden whisper of a thought close to my heart that when this house went up for sale, it would be my sign to move back to California. I always had a dream to move back in and make it look just like when my Grandpa was alive......You see, when he died of cancer, my Grandmother pulled out every tree, starting with the tree roses that lined the driveway. It must have been her own way of grieving......Imagine two beautiful silver furs nestled in perfect green lawn, tree roses in every color marching along the driveway to the right, and a full garden in back, complete with grape trellis and two cherry trees. And there were always morning glories and hydrangeas.

My brother still calls it Grandma's house too. He remembers spending time in that yard with Grandpa. So many memories attached to this place....... All the family dinners we had there! The voices roll through my mind like waves when I see these pictures....This was my other home, my second safe place, a place where I was always welcome, secure.

When my Grandmother went to the nursing home, it impacted me greatly, more than I probably knew at the time. I was twenty one and I had taken the reigns of my life back from God and was failing miserably. In the throes of anorexia, I would walk and walk and no one knew where I went. It was here that I came. My Grandmother was no longer there, but all her stuff still was. I would let myself in the door and surround myself with her. We all dealt with our loss differently I guess. I stuffed mine down deep inside.

God knows all about loss.......But I never gave Him the chance to bring me through that one. If I had, He could have taught me how to bring that loss to Him and be healed. Instead, I left Him outside and tried to deal with things alone, which never works.

As Robert Frost said, "way leads on to way......."life does that.

I can see my books resting on these shelves, can't believe they didn't paint over the knotty pine!

﻿Circumstances being what they are, I can't buy the house. I shed a few tears this morning, letting something go that never really was mine anyway, and it's okay. I can give this to God too. It was fun to think about when it wasn't a reality. Now that the reality is here, I know that the timing is not right. If that was where God wanted me, I would be there now. I have learned one thing in life and that is this: home is ultimately where He is,andHe is everywhere I go.

I am glad for one thing, whoever owned it must have loved it. Though the outside looks rough, the inside has been taken care of. They even kept my Grandmother's old stove. I will pray that whoever buys it will keep loving it and senses that once upon a time, love rested there.

Grandma's kitchen where she used to make her homemade kuchen.

﻿What about you, ever had an emotional attachment to a place? Do you now? I would love to hear about it.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33