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Fifty Shades of Grey

Just caught the movie and I have this strong urge to write about how I am feeling. So I am skipping all my backlogs for now because I really need to get this off my chest.

When Ping first started reading the books, she told me that I would probably feel very disturbed by it, since I am usually quite easily traumatised by just the sight of an accident, or anything depicting violence or gore, or in general, anything that is beyond my acceptability.

It’s not that I am timid or anything, but I do grow up with this phobia of being with an abusive partner; my greatest fear is to marry an abusive man, so much that I even had nightmare of it happening. I don’t know why but maybe it’s because of documentaries that I have watched when I was a kid, of people being abused at home, so the trauma has been in me since then. Or maybe it was things that I had witnessed before; I don’t know.

But still, I was curious about Fifty Shades of Grey, about what this craze is about. When I first learned that it’s about sadomasochistic, I know I wouldn’t be interested in reading the books, cause I wouldn’t be able to accept the acts, let alone enjoy the read. But after watching the movie trailer, I wanted to watch it. Not for the sex, not for the naked bodies, but because I felt sad watching the trailer. So I told everyone I just wanna watch it from the sad girl’s point-of-view.

It was indeed a sad story, but I guess I was the only idiot who cried during a R21 movie. Hmmmm…somewhat traumatising as well, though I did not regret watching it at all. Traumatising because it didn’t feel very much different from abuse, except that it is for one’s own pleasure and it’s also by someone who claimed that he loves you. And this part is the sad part.

What I imagined love to be is that the last thing this person would do to you is to hurt you, yet this hurt is not only just physical, but mental as well. To be completely submissive but not get the same in return, to let one into your world but not being able to enter his/hers, to completely let someone eat you inside out but not supposing to have any expectations, I think that is the real torture, on top of the physical ones.

I know sadomasochistic does not equate to abuse or torture, because it can mean pleasure to some. But it is pleasure only if BOTH parties enjoy it. And in this case, it is obvious that Anastasia did not, at least not the 6 strokes. So for this, I am hating Christian Grey. I wanted to shout to him so badly during the movie that he is such a selfish bastard! Because for his own pleasure and whatever trauma he went through, he is putting all the punishment on the girl he claimed that he loves, the girl who let her guards all down for him, and the girl who tried so hard. It is time for his own punishment now, which is to lose the girl who loved him so much. Serve you right because you are such a fucking bastard, Christian Grey. And you are more than fifty shades of fucked-up.

P.S. Maybe, I should have just watched it for all the sex scenes like everyone did.