Note to Self (114) #Valentine

Last year on Valentine’s day I officially moved out of the apartment I was sharing with my ex. When people ran to buy flowers or chocolates, I sealed my wedding pictures in a cardboard box. I turned the page on a chapter of my life I didn’t want to continue anymore. I was ready to start fresh, despite the sadness and the pain of the separation. I knew I needed strength and determination to heal. Day by day, I made it my goal to fight back and find my true self again.

When I put my things away, I realized I had a problem. I used to splurge on expensive designer stuff. The feeling I got from owning a Gucci purse or a Prada pair of pumps superseded everything. I seriously got addicted and my credit card suffered my uncontrolled excesses; thank God, I always managed to pay off my balance. After a while I realized bag and shoe shopping had become a cry for help as my marriage went downhill. The more unhappy I was, the more I bought. I filled up my closet until I didn’t have room for clothes. My ex used to yell at me for spending rent money at Saks and Bloomingdale’s. My girlfriends made it a contest to count how many designer bags and shoes I bought in six months… and the number naturally became ridiculous.

As soon as my ex and I separated, I finally looked at my closet and realized how stupid I had been. The bags didn’t mean anything anymore. The shoes piled up in a mountain of non sense. I collected everything and checked what I didn’t need. Then I logged into Ebay and one by one, the bags and shoes sold out. My girlfriends grinned from ear to ear when I gave them some bags and shoes too. Of course, everybody ended up happy in the end. But when I look back at how much I spent to fill a hole that could never be filled, I knew the level of misery I was buried under for so many years.

One year later, it’s Valentine’s day and I feel happy and free. I made peace with myself, and I found a new balance by writing, and creating, not buying. Yet, my first love for bags and shoes never fully disappeared and I still crave a nice pair of pumps or a funky shoulder bag every once in a while. I use moderation. And sales. Lots of sales. 😉

To all the couples and single people out there, I wish you lots of happiness, love, and bliss. Life is too short to be wasted on negativity. Get rid of the crap while you can, and enjoy yourself, because you’ll never know when your last day will come.

I’m pasting here the comment of a fellow Goodreads author John Kenworthy:

Excellent blog entry this morning. What I really like about your writing is your courage. It is always difficult to write about personal matters – although most writing intends to do that in some form – but especially so when dealing with hurt. You turn a keen observational eye upon yourself and are neither treacly nor mordant in what you see. You have a unique voice in that you can objectively share deeply personal material without inducing cringes in the audience nor undeserved martyrdom. Hemingway crisp without the cloying emotion. What you do is to make the personal universal. We all can empathize with the way we’ve dealt with hurt and loss. I look forward to reading much more.

Thanks much John. I’ve been using this blog as a therapeutic way to deal with my failed marriage. It started as a journal and grew to become much more. I had no idea so many people would support me in my journey to recovery, but it feels so good. I’m extremely grateful I found a platform where to freely express my thoughts. I heal every day a bit more, thanks to great readers such as you! Thank you!

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

About J. K. Pitcairn aka Katarina Lebeau

Johanna K. Pitcairn has dreamed of becoming a writer since childhood—authoring her first novel at the age of nine, and countless poems, stories, and screenplays by the age of seventeen. Later, rather than pursuing a career as a director and screenwriter, she decided to go to law school, driven by her father’s opinion that “writing does not pay the bills.”

Ten years later, she moved to New York City, which inspired her to go back to the excitement, wonder, and constant change of being a writer. Pitcairn is a huge fan of psychological-thriller novels and movies, and delves into her hopes, fears, friends, enemies, and everything in between in her own writing.

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