Cohen: The terror of our times

As always, it was the middle of the night and I heard the window open and felt the breeze on my face. It was my grandfather, long dead but an occasional visitor from God-knows-where, who comes to see me whenever he and his friends are perplexed by the doings here on Earth. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and sat up in bed.

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Posted Sep. 26, 2013 at 2:00 AM

Posted Sep. 26, 2013 at 2:00 AM

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As always, it was the middle of the night and I heard the window open and felt the breeze on my face. It was my grandfather, long dead but an occasional visitor from God-knows-where, who comes to see me whenever he and his friends are perplexed by the doings here on Earth. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and sat up in bed.

"Grandpa, is that you?"

"You were expecting maybe Millie Cyrus?"

"It's Miley, Grandpa. But never mind. What can I do for you, Grandpa? It's late."

"You can explain something."

"Shoot."

"Bingo! You got it. What's with all the shooting, boychick? Rat-a-tat-a-tat. Look what happened in Chicago, twice in one week. First 13 people get shot and later five more — one here and two there, some with an assault whatchamacallit and some with a six-shooter or something."

"Yes, there's not much we can do about it."

"Just keep your mouth shut for a second."

"OK."

"And then, just a bit earlier, 12 people were shot to death at the Washington Navy Yard."

"Listen. Take notes or something. And then on the other side of the world, some maniacs creep into a mall in Nairobi and kill dozens of people. Just like that. Bang! Bang! Bang!"

"Terrorism, Grandpa. The scourge of our times."

"No, boychick, the scourge of your times is the weapon. The scourge is not realizing that it's all terrorism. What's the difference between being shot in Chicago and being shot in Nairobi? Dead is dead. Believe me, up here we know that."

"OK, but what about the Second Amendment?"

"Hoo-ha! This I've been waiting for. The Founding Fathers didn't mean for everyone to have a gun. They wanted a militia."

"That's a matter of interpretation, Grandpa."

"Not for me it isn't. I play pinochle with some of the Fathers. They're sick at what they see. Bang! Bang! No militia. People shooting up playgrounds, movie theaters, the Navy Yard. Ya think that's what they wanted? They wanted guys with funny hats and muskets."

"OK, but how do we get around the Second Amendment?"

"Easy. Write that all this is terrorism. To fight terrorism, Americans will permit anything. The government can read your emails and listen to your phone calls and know where you go in the car and probably how long you take in the bathroom. That's OK. But stop some schmuck with orange hair from buying an assault weapon, an AR something or other, and that's a constitutional matter? Listen, who do you fear more — the Taliban or the NRA? Which one has cost more lives since Sept. 11? This is what you should write."

"I can't do that. Everyone would laugh. I'd never get on 'Morning Joe.'"

"This is bigger than some show. Listen! Pay attention. Start with that Wayne LaPierre, the head of the NRA. Whenever he's on TV, have those special-effects geniuses in Hollywood make him look like a terrorist. Call him Mullah Wayne. Get the idea across. And when that happens, the courts will say, hoo-ha, we've got to reinterpret the Second Amendment. The justices, they've got their finger to the wind, too, believe you me."