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Portraying BDSM

In my latest book UNLEASH, which I’m now almost finished editing, the heroine Kayla Tate has spent years finding sexual relationships largely unfulfilling. Well, until she meets THE ONE. He just happens to be a DOMINANT.

I’m not talking about fantasy BDSM, I’m talking about the BDSM that real couples in real life engage in. Perhaps I am opening a can of worms (considering BDSM in itself is about fantasy in some respect), but I guess what I’m going to try to explain is how my latest research has informed UNLEASH, a book featuring a healthy, not to mention sustainable, dom/sub relationship.

This article is difficult to write because there’s a lot about the book I don’t want to reveal. However I’ve been told to write blogs about what I feel passionate about and portraying BDSM as something couples do not to inflict pain on one another, but to express their love and trust, is something I feel very passionate about.

If you’re an author you can probably relate to this: sometimes during the writing of a book, you come across all sorts of articles or stories in conversation and they kind of make you realise you’re on the right track with an angle—sometimes a real-life titbit of information may just add to or embellish something you’ve already written. It may be fate that we come across coincidental articles/books/films/documentaries or it might be we find ourselves gravitating towards certain topics because the story we’re working on is absorbing our minds so much, we sink ourselves into anything vaguely resembling the issues our current WIP (work in progress) deals with.

Anyway, I was glad when I read the above article because it’s all stuff I’ve got down in UNLEASH and hopefully, the book will deliver you an account of how, why, where and what couples do when they engage in BDSM. Nevertheless, it’s not a book filled with page after page of scenes in a dungeon. In fact there’s only one scene in a dungeon! The book is an existential one, so the personality traits of the characters themselves are more important; their preferences and their lifestyles outside the bedroom surmount the sex. Rather than give you a rundown of tools and appropriate clothing, I’ve put you in the minds of two people who are kinky—and what made and still makes them kinky.

UNLEASH is a complex book I’ve had a lot of headaches with because as well as portraying BDSM right (people who practice BDSM aren’t always abused, but sometimes BDSM is actually a wonderful way for the abused to feel safe and heal if nurtured properly), I’ve also got a web of lies to undo and a few more than two characters to get right. I’ve got four characters. Two couples. While one of the couples is more casually kinky (Cai and Chloe, who are occasional spankers, not dom/sub as such), the other couple on the flip side only know how to express their true selves through BDSM. The dom/sub duo in UNLEASH still enjoy normal sex but for some reason, BDSM just gives them a tad more freedom to be themselves. So with lies to uncover, back stories to tell and characters to build, the sex isn’t the focus but it’s there bubbling under the surface and I really hope UNLEASH just shows how in real life, men and women come to participate and engage in healthy, beautiful BDSM relationships.

Here’s just a few of the interesting points of view I’ve come across in my research:

The sub chooses her dom.

Doms are extremely caring and attentive.

Some abused women find themselves drawn to being submissive; and the dynamic can prove healing, but it has to be one of consent, communication and choice.

BDSM couples often have more frank discussions about their needs/wants.

It’s not always about pain.

The high that subs may experience after an intense BDSM session is akin to being on drugs. It’s a myth it’s all about the dom’s pleasure!

Aftercare is paramount. Many people who engage in BDSM say aftercare is the most intimate part of the experience and that is their favourite thing about it all, in fact.

Sexually submissive women are often dominant in various other areas of life.

Perhaps I am treading a fine line putting a previously raped woman in a BDSM relationship with a Daddy Dom. Or maybe the abused woman finds empowerment and freedom in submitting. The difference being, with her dom she always has a choice and in actual fact, she’s the one very much in charge. Perhaps BDSM gives her freedom and escape from who she is outside the dungeon? Like I said though, the BDSM aspect of this book is just a small part, though pivotal to the whole. The plot is the central player in my books and the sex is just an added bonus! So, why do we keep writing books about sex? I guess because erotic books tell us so much about human nature…

2 thoughts on “Portraying BDSM”

I can not wait to read this, it’s a topic I have been curious about and it would be nice to read it from this pov. I can understand the dynamic of this type of relationship, the sub is the one with the power, some people will turn to bdsm, and be a sub to escape the pressure and power they have in their everyday life. It’s not always about abuse!

You just HAVE to read it to get what I mean! There are certain personality traits that make a dom or sub. For the dom, I think there’s more of an emotional need than is often portrayed too, rather than the need for control. I’ve done my research; you might even think it is true to life!