What is that noise? Klunk! Clank! Klona! Your car keys are in the dryer. They're where?? I accidentally washed them with my jeans. So. You. Put. Them. In the. Dryer. How about a little credit for independent thinking? (Originally published on 2009-03-02.)

Jeremy! I can't believe that you made me run into your van! Hey, I didn't make you read those texts! You're not supposed to be texting while you're driving, anyway! I wasn't! I was just doing it at stoplights! But we probably shouldn't mention that ... Yeah. That would be bad.

Sara? YOU'RE the one who just rear-ended me? Jeremy, I am so sorry! I'm usually a really good driver, but some bozo had sent me about ten texts in a row and I just glanced down to see who it wa-- YOU!?

So, if I put my phone in my pocket and sit down -- it dials my number. What happens if I cross my legs? That's mine! And I put my feet up … Pepito's Pizza. Pickup or delivery? Hold on .. I'm going to try an international call! Gotta go!

Dad, you gotta start locking your phone's keypad! What? Why? You've butt-dialed me, like, six times today! When you sit on your phone a certain way it calls my number. It can do that? My butt knows more about my phone than I do! Try to look surprised.