Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's Divorce

Instead of mindless speculation about other peoples ruined relationships, let’s focus on how we can better our own marriages.

Social media has gone wild with the breakup of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Headlines scream out “The Planet Is Shocked”; “Fans Mourn Brad and Angelina’s split"; "Cheer on Jennifer Aniston.”

The divorce of Hollywood’s golden couple has caused a tsunami of gossipy speculation, catching more than the usual attention by Twitter and Facebook users all over the world.

Why should we care?

It is easy to get caught up and follow sensationalism. In the process we sometimes lose our very own soul, forgetting that there are real people being hurt here, especially children, and allowing us to say and repeat things that denigrate and degrade. But they don’t even know the difference, you may say. The Torah teaches us not to curse the deaf. If someone is unable to hear my words why should it matter what I say? Because it is our own character that becomes impacted by our negative speech and thoughts. This becomes a life-changing principle to live by.

Instead of filling our time with mindless speculation about other peoples ruined relationships, let’s take a few moments and focus on how we can better our own marriages.

1. All Marriages Require Effort

We sometimes live with an ‘if only’ attitude. We think if only I had an easier life, my marriage would be so much better. We dream of sparkling jewelry, fancy vacations, glamorous parties, celebrity chefs, nannies, gorgeous homes and apartments on the beach, believing that if we had even some of these perks we would have the solution to our problems. We would be incredibly happy.

But that is simply not true. How often do celebrities or couples who seem to have it all, break up?

It is not our place to judge anyone else's marriage, certainly not a celebrity couple that in reality we do not know at all.

But we can take a step back and realize that most couples begin their lives wanting to share conversation and spend time together. There is magic at the beginning of becoming a pair. The question is how did we lose the joy?

All relationships require effort. It is all too easy to get lost in the everyday stresses and obligations of life. Couples can sit hours, side by side, never exchanging a word. They are both buried in their emails, texts, Facebook and Instagram accounts. We do not even realize the damage we are causing. The gulf between husband and wife grows wider over time. Suddenly we realize that there is more silence than conversation. It is not that we are disagreeing or fighting. There is simply nothing. The divide has become too difficult to repair.

Work creates an added pressure on relationships. The sooner we recognize the need to carve out time for one another away from that stressful environment, the better we communicate and connect. In November 2015 Jolie spoke about the stress of work on her marriage. “There were days during filming last year when we were really worried and it was hard.”

Yes, we all face tensions and some moments of life weigh down on us more heavily than others. But those are the times we must pay most attention to and not allow ourselves to lose those we love most. What do we have left if not each other?

If you feel as if your relationship is going south, take the time to figure out how to make life better for the two of you. Don’t be afraid to address the issue, but be sure not to come off as if you are blaming, complaining or angry.

If you believe that you are in a good place right now, be sure to continue to invest in your relationship. Don’t take your love for granted. Speak kindly. Do something for your spouse that shows how much you cherish the relationship. Say ‘thank you’ for the little things you may be overlooking. Be respectful when you disagree. Make time for each other-even if it’s a walk or bike ride together. Look for other topics to speak about besides problems, the kids or how to handle the mortgage. Share your dreams. Laugh together. Don’t wait for bad feelings or apathy to emerge. Infuse positive energy into your relationship every single day.

2. Parent Together, Not against Each Other

No one knows what happens behind closed doors and it is not our business. Some of what the couple has said gives us pause, though, to contemplate our own parenting dynamics.

Pitt has been very vocal about their different parenting style. He has said that he was very influenced by his strict childhood. In an interview he added, “I am the disciplinarian with the boys. Girls do no wrong, so I don’t have to be (a disciplinarian with them).”

Couples need to be on the same page with their parenting. We cannot discipline the boys more than the girls, or treat certain children as our princes and princesses. The baby of the family must be held accountable for his actions. The oldest cannot be burdened with unreasonable responsibilities. The difficult child may not bully parents into allowing bad behavior while other children are over disciplined because we know that they will not protest. We can’t allow favorites to get away with mean words or actions.

Husbands and wives may have different thoughts on parenting but they must unite in their methods so that children do not grow confused and spouses resentful. When one parent says something to a child and a spouse undermines that word through rolling eyes, ignoring the other parent’s rule or making a disparaging comment, disrespect is born. This becomes a great source for ‘chutzpah’ that ultimately destroys peace in the home. Of course the marriage bond suffers.

3. Never Gloat at the Unhappiness of Others

For some reason many people have expressed delight in this split and enjoyed sharing Jennifer Aniston’s meme’s. Photos of her and past clips from her show in various states of glee have flooded the internet. Witty jokes add to the fun.

Whether you know a couple going through difficulties, or they are notorious but distant, we must never allow ourselves to get pulled into this type of enjoyment. It is ugly and unworthy of the sacred souls we have been granted.

Other people’s pain should never become a source of laughter or derision. It is basic kindness to feel sad when a family is broken. Or at least do not get involved in gossip and snide remarks. Being the speaker or the listener is equally harmful. Our words and thoughts reflect our character.

When marriage works we cherish the love that we have been given. Take time today to reflect on your relationship. Ask yourself how you can build your bond and communicate the joy that your partner brings into your life. Don’t take your love for granted.

About the Author

Slovie Jungreis Wolff is a noted teacher, author, relationships and parenting lecturer. She is the leader of Hineni Couples and daughter of Rebbetzen Esther Jungreis. Slovie is the author of the parenting handbook, Raising A Child With Soul. She gives weekly classes and has lectured throughout the U.S.,Canada, Mexico, Panama, and South Africa. You can reach slovie at sloviehineni@gmail.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 8

(6)
Messody,
September 27, 2016 2:03 PM

Reality

Brad Pitt and Angelina jolie don't live in reality, we do. When they became clelebs they gave up things like privacy and work/life balance, and sets of values and boundaries. Instead of brad working on his previous marriage or their current one,
The just fool them selves and the paparazzi. Society thinks it's normal. But we know better than to give in.
It takes hard work to have a good marriage. We have to be on the same page in general not just parenting. Unless we are a fly on the wall, we don't know what's behind closed doors. It takes hard work. Not just smile for the camera.

(5)
Anonymous,
September 23, 2016 2:19 AM

Love this thought

Love this concept and the way you wrote it."The Torah teaches us not to curse the deaf. If someone is unable to hear my words why should it matter what I say? Because it is our own character that becomes impacted by our negative speech and thoughts. This becomes a life-changing principle to live by."Thank you!!

(4)
Anonymous,
September 22, 2016 3:20 PM

so true!

the boundless amount of hatred toward both of these people is mind blowing. It happens to be a terrible situation that all these children now have to be going through this too. However, Pitt and Jolie, have their own demons and since we dont really know them, its really not a good idea to pass judgement.But the only thing I have to say is that Pitt and Jolie did meet in an strange way...and even though we couldn't judge them then...they really didn't care about anyone but themselves. Pitt was married after all. So they are just repeating the pattern. Everyone has problems in life..some are bigger than others, some have a tikkun they cannot break...but we all have free will. So I do think we should learn from this story,...to look, at our lives and see how we have learned from our own faults, and how far we may have gone to do tushevah, and change our behavior. We all are imperfect for sure...but trying to improve ourselves is possible.

(3)
Idelle,
September 22, 2016 3:17 PM

Brad Pitt-Angelina divorce

I feel bad for the children.

(2)
Linda Chapman,
September 22, 2016 3:02 PM

GULLIBLE!

I believe that the media has come to the point where they absolutely control all. Yes, it's good to have the media but some things said are just not true. Actually it all comes down to slander and Torah is clear on that point. Much that is said is not true! People can't always fight for what they know is right but they rather keep quiet. Right now I'm trying to fight to raise money to get my dog K9 home and inside I want to fight to do all I can, but this morning I felt to seek Abbah's face, not HIs hand! I needed His Presence above all! Sometimes the enemy will try and engage us in battles to try and get us exhausted so when the right thing does come along, we're totally tired out. Let us rather pray for these people and not slander them. They can't fight every statement added by the media to try keep themselves in the right. Why not put all our focus onto HaShem, rather than follow gossip. Human nature is to be inquisitive so rather lets keep our spiritual eyes and ears on OUR CREATOR and try to keep our hearts pure!!

(1)
Idelle,
September 22, 2016 2:59 PM

Pitt-Jolie divorce

I am not sharing in the glee about their divorce, but they did meet each other when Brad Pitt was married to someone else. They broke up Pitt's marriage and hurt his first wife. It's more like, "What goes around comes around."

Anonymous,
September 22, 2016 9:39 PM

IDELLE YOU ARE RIGHT THAT IS CALLED KARMA . BUT IS NOT NECESSARY TO REPEAT IT AGAIN.SAD VERY SAD!!!!!!!

Anonymous,
September 23, 2016 3:06 AM

Hurray for Hollywood!

I think that this is part and parcel of show business. How can one truly divest their feelings when they are in a scene where they are making love to someone? If one is married, it has to be an unbelievable strain on one's relaitonship with their spouse. And if two people are in the business, even more so. B"H for my boring, every day life where my marriage doesn't have to meet and overcome this challenge!

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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