Bill O’Reilly calls an escort service. It’s a prank call made with a soundboard, but at the 1:01 mark the audio piece describing the shower fantasy is from the actual call to Andrea Mackris.

“During the course of O’REILLY’S telephone monologue on August 1. 2004, he suggested that Plaintiff ANDREA MACKRIS purchase a vibrator and name it, and that he he had one ‘shaped like a cock with a little battery in it’ that a woman had given him. It became apparent that Defendant was masturbating as he spoke.”

“It became apparent that Defendant [Bill O’Reilly] was masturbating as he spoke…”

First a disclaimer: no one is knocking phone sex or the insertion of sex tools into the rectum by geriatrics, per se. It’s imposing this behavior on an unwilling partner young enough to be his granddaughter that is offensive to the civilized senses, especially when this is literally the man who sets the tone for right-wing morality in America.

The following are excerpts from a suit filed against Bill O’Reilly by Andrea Mackris on October 13, 2004. O’Reilly chose to settle for an undisclosed amount, well within one to ten million, according to most accounts. Why bring it up? Because this is the beacon of morality for FOX News. This is the self-styled “Culture Warrior” fighting to bring Christianity “back” into the government. This is, according to them, the American conscience and the personification of honesty, of integrity. My question is simply this: how is this man still on the air? This is a world where ostensibly “Christian” perverts like Bill O’Reilly presume the right to give advice on morality, the latter a married man who, according to court documents, sexually harassed his co-worker Andrea Mackris, and masturbated on the phone as he tried to get her to buy a vibrator and name it, as he also had one “shaped like a cock with a little battery in it.” Now I would love to talk about Jesus, and maybe even the so-called “war on Christmas.” Just not with him, nor anyone like him.

CONCEPTUALIZATION: Bill O’Reilly’s last emergency room visit. According to court documents, O’Reilly sexually harassed his co-worker Andrea Mackris and tried to get her to buy a vibrator. He wanted her to name it, as he also had one “shaped like a cock with a little battery in it.” Several psychologists, citing his fascist ideological tendencies, prostitutes and ex-girlfriends, remain divided on the possible names O’Reilly may have chosen. “Cheney” and “Rupert” remain top contenders.

“If any woman ever breathed a word I’ll make her pay so dearly that she’ll wish she’d never been born. I’ll rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she’ll be destroyed. And besides, she wouldn’t be able to afford the lawyers I can or endure it financially as long as I can. And nobody would believe her, it’d be her word against mine and who are they going to believe? Me or some unstable woman making outrageous accusations. They’d see her as some psycho, someone unstable. Besides, I’d never make the mistake of picking unstable crazy girls like that.

“If you cross FOX NEWS CHANNEL, it’s not just me, it’s [FOX President] Roger Ailes who will go after you. I’m the street guy out front making loud noises about the issues, but Ailes operates behind the scenes, strategizes and makes things happen so that one day BAM! The person gets what’s coming to them but never sees it coming. Look at Al Franken, one day he’s going to get a knock on his door and life as he’s known it will change forever. That day will happen, trust me.

“During the course of this conversation, Defendant BILL O’REILLY bizarrely rambled further about Al Franken: “Ailes knows very powerful people and this goes all the way to the top.” Plaintiff queried: “To the top of what?” Defendant responded: “Top of the country. Just look at who’s on the cover of his book [Bush and Cheney], they’re watching him and will be for years. [Al Franken’s] finished, and he’s going to be sorry he ever took FOX NEWS CHANNEL on.”

Now that Rupert Murdoch’s bid for the Wall Street Journal went through, one has to expect some major changes in the editorial content of the paper, and those changes are here.

And it can get worse. For example, the crown jewel of Murdoch’s FOX News is Bill O’Reilly. What can he bring to the table?

As an advice columnist, he would be a certain, albeit unexpected hit, particularly among the 67 year old demo seeking advice on perfecting bad phone sex, buying sex toys, or fantasies of forced or unwanted sex with wrinkled, age-spotted, naked gimps that crawl up behind you while you shower.

If you don’t believe Bill would be a masterful sex columnist (at least to the aforementioned demo that watches his show, which is most of them), a look at the 2004 sexual harassment suit filed by Andrea Mackris against O’Reilly and FOX News will prove most edifying.

Believe it or not, he was actually rehashing a a scene from his worst seller novel “Those Who Trespass.”

The height of his conceit is laughable as it is sad. That he, a filthy, naked old gimp could expect anything but revulsion and terror by crawling up behind any young woman in a shower, particularly one so clearly out of his league, betrays a fanatical self-idolatry exceeded only by his perversion.

“If any woman ever breathed a word I’ll make her pay so dearly that she’ll wish she’d never been born. I’ll rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she’ll be destroyed.”

According to Mackris, Bill O’Reilly claimed to own a vibrator and suggested she buy one, too, and name it. Good advice: we’ll name this one Bill. It’s a 19th century steam-powered model that is believed to have belonged the turkey-necked bigot centurion.

“Bill”

“On or about August 2, 2004, Defendant BILL O’REILLY telephoned Plaintiff ANDREA MACKRIS at her home after interviewing two porn stars on ‘The O’Reilly Factor.’ Apparently, O’REILLY was ‘excited’ from the show. With little preamble, Defendant BILL O’REILLY launched into a vile and degrading monologue about sex. “During the course of O’REILLY’S telephone monologue on August 1. 2004, he suggested that Plaintiff ANDREA MACKRIS purchase a vibrator and name it, and that he he had one ‘shaped like a cock with a little battery in it’ that a woman had given him. It became apparent that Defendant was masturbating as he spoke. After he climaxed, Defendant O’REILLY said to Plaintiff: ‘I appreciate the fun phone call. You can have fun tonight. I’ll appreciate it. I mean it.’ Plaintiff felt its if the floor had fallen out from beneath her. She was shocked, frightened and upset. She felt trapped.”

“Yeah we have saggy necks, but even we laugh at O’Reilly. Fuck you for the comparison.”

It gets better…

“During the course of this conversation, on or about August 24, 2004, Defendant BILL O’REILLY again started talking about sex, and suggested that if he had a hotel room that night he would have invited her up. Defendant further suggested that Plaintiff ANDREA MACKRIS purchase a vibrator. When Plaintiff became embarrassed and told him that she was not interested, O’REILLY again suggested:

“We should do it together, I could coach you through it.” Plaintiff declined. On yet another occasion…

“Despite informing him that she was not at all interested in the conversation, and despite her adamant refusal to participate in such talk, Defendant O’REILLY informed Plaintiff ANDREA MACKRIS that he was watching a porn movie and babbled perversely regarding his fantasies concerning Caribbean vacations because, purportedly:

It became apparent that Defendant was masturbating as he spoke. After he climaxed, Defendant O’REILLY said to Plaintiff: ‘I appreciate the fun phone call. You can have fun tonight. I’ll appreciate it. I mean it.’

“Once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions, you know they drink during the day, they lay there and lazy, they have dinner and then they come back and fool around… that’s basically the modus operandi.”

During the course of his monologue, Defendant O’REILLY further stated:

“Well, if I took you down there then I’d want to take a shower with you right away, that would be the first think I’d do… yeah, we’d check into the room, and we would order up some room service and uh and you’d definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get into you I would get ’em into you… maybe intravenously, get those glasses of wine into you….

“You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I’d join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda’ soap up your back… rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water… and urn… you know, you’d feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda’ put my arm – it’s one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so 1 got my hands in it… and I would put it around front, kinda’ rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard… ‘cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs….

“So anyway I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda’ kissing your neck from behind… and then I would take the other hand with the falafel (sic) thing and I’d put it on your pussy but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business….”

Man. His calling is clear. He’s a born sex columnist and the WSJ needs him NOW. I’m not even a woman, and my lap is all wet. That is, if puking all over myself counts as wet. Perhaps the Wall Street Journal could use the competent and honorable stewardship of Rupert Murdoch, a man who would hire and tirelessly promote the likes of Bill O’Reilly. After all, considering what you just read, wouldn’t you trust O’Reilly around your little girl? More coming soon. Stay tuned, and bring a barf bag.

UPDATE A special thanks to the Village Voice, who gave us the audio clips as he reads from his shitty ass novel Those Who Trespass. O’Reilly reads several erotic passages aloud, an the gimpy perv gives us a chilling insight into what he sounded like when he harassed poor Andrea Mackris. (Source link is here.)

Behold:

“Say baby, put down that pipe and put my pipe up!”

“Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds.”

“I wish I were a lesbian.”

Bill also offers suggestions on proper cunnilingus techniques, suggesting you use both your tongue and lips, which I suppose is good advice; given that most people might use their feet instead. Dumb fuck.

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Rare Candor from the Corporate Media

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