Writing holistically about body, mind and spirit

Health

This past week I decided to make my health and wellbeing to be my first priority. I took me being slowed down by Iron Deficient Anemia to finally give in and give my body the rest it needed. Why is it so hard to slow down and take care of ourselves? Why is it so hard to show ourselves the same love we show others?

For me it was expectations. It was about me not wanting to disappoint anyone and not let anyone in my family or in work down. My ego was in charge and it was driving me into exhaustion; pushing past all of the warning signs my body was sending me. I was blocking it all out.

I had blood work done about ten days ago. I knew about a week ago I had Iron Deficiency Anemia. On my Monday morning I went into work because I had to a briefing to Execs. I told my boss before hand I was not well and may need to leave early but by noon my head was killing me, I could barely keep my eyes open and my stomach was on fire…I came home and went right to bed. I woke up on Tuesday morning so tired I could barely get the energy to get out of bed so I called in sick. I stayed in bed all day. I went to the doctor Wednesday morning; she offered me a note to stay out of work until Monday. I took the note but was thinking about working from home instead☺️ I stopped by the office to pick up my laptop. While I was there my coworker said to me, “Linda, you are crazy. You have a doctor’s note in your hand and you look exhausted. Do you think if you end up in the hospital any of those Execs are going to really care that you went above and beyond when you were sick? I’m telling ya… They won’t! Your priority is you not them. You can’t help anyone in bed. Go home and take care yourself!” 🤣 Yep, she fucked me with the truth 🤣And, that’s when I surrendered.

Maybe it was my coworker giving me permission to let go. Maybe it was that I was truly exhausted. I’m not sure what it was but I sent my doctor’s note, put on an out of office reply and advised my boss I would not be checking emails until Monday morning. I surrender my ego and I let go into exhaustion. Today, Saturday, is the first day I actually woke up and felt rested. I got my hair colored. Stopped in Staples to pick up a couple of things I need for my new desk and even went for a 30 minute walk in the beautiful sunshine. I’m not completely better. It’s going to take a while to get Iron up but at least I am rested. I am eating iron rich foods and taking a vitamin with iron in in to help bring my levels up. My doctor will retest in six weeks.

It’s concerning my Iron dropped as much as it did because I haven’t had a period in ten months so I am losing Iron or medication (anti-acids) for my stomach may be blocking it. Here’s some information on Iron Deficiency. My main symptoms were mouth ulcers, exhaustion, muscle pain, headaches, reoccurring infections and paleness.

Keep in mind Heme Iron is absorbed easily. Non-Heme Iron (plant based) doesn’t absorb well and needs to be combined with Vitamin C for maximum absorption. I started eating an Iron enriched cereal with fat free fortified skim milk and blueberries for breakfast which is a combo of non-heme iron and vitamin C. This combo worked for me the last time I had an Iron Deficiency.

One other nutrition note: I’ve had a nodule on my Thyroid for seven or eight years. About a year ago, I read an article that Thyroid Nodules are often caused by Iodine Deficiencies. I switched to using Pink Himalayan Sea Salt several years ago because it has a lot of nutrients but I discovered it did not have Iodine in it. So I switched to using regular Morton’s Iodized Table Salt. I only use a sprinkle – probably nothing more than 1/2 a teaspoon per day. I just had my annual Thyroid ultrasound to check on the nodule. Guess what, it is completely gone👍 The report said the nodule can no longer be detected. So it was an Iodine Deficiency. Lesson learned.

Work update: I had to check in with my boss late Friday afternoon to find out if I should/could telework on Monday. He told they were allowing liberal telework for folks with health issues. Iron Deficiency makes me vulnerable to viruses and infections so I am teleworking for the foreseeable future or until corona virus passes. I am safer at home. Actually, my work is doing a company wide telework test on Wednesday, March 18th. They want anyone who can telework, employees and contractors, to work from home so they can see if the system can handle it. My Dining Room table is my desk until the desk and task chair I ordered arrive on Wednesday 🙂 I have a great view 💫

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As an introvert, social distancing comes pretty naturally to me. It’s what I do most weekends 🤣Corona Virus social distancing and self isolation is different. Not only is it about my health and it’s about protecting the most vulnerable people in our population: elderly parents, grandparents and the chronically ill. Here’s a factual news article from PBS for education purposes:https://www.pbs.org/articles/2020/02/heres-what-you-should-know-about-the-novel-coronavirus/

Corona Virus is serious and I no longer have time for folks who make light of a pathogen that is killing the vulnerable. I have a 80 year old Mother that I worry about all day long. Believe me I am extremely grateful she has been refusing to go into a retirement home and is now safe in her private home. I still worry about her especially because healthy people are panic buying and leaving nothing on the shelves for the folks who may not be able to afford to buy 20 cases of toilet paper at a time. I bought stuff online from ShopRite for my Mom and I have it scheduled for delivery next week. My sister also takes her out shopping every Sunday so my Mom is covered.

Before you all go out and clear the shelves tonight, I ask you to think about other folks who don’t have money or family to buy stock piles for a minute. It’s one thing to stock up but it’s another to only think of yourself. It lacks self and social awareness. But go enjoy your garage full of toilet paper. I actually saw someone in CVS yesterday who had a full cart of tissues boxes stacked up and said, “I don’t want to run out”! You, my friend, can go fuck all the way off…

I am also done with these spiritual types on social media sharing stupid posts about “staying woke” and how Corona Virus is some kind of spiritual cleanser sent to raise our consciousness and we shouldn’t fear it. Well maybe, but it is definitely a pathogen dumbass! It’s killing people. Now shut the fuck up and go sage yourself of that bullshit. I agree we should delete fear and love is all there is. However, I do not believe anyone should make light of or spiritualize a pathogen that is killing the most vulnerable people in our population. I may be spiritual but I am also pragmatic as fuck and have had with dumb shit. I’ve especially have had it with the Trump Administration. They knew for two months this could happen and hid it to protect his re-election chances. #WorstPresidentInHistory is also #DumbAsFuck ✌️

As for myself, I’m home on a sick day and absolutely exhausted from anemia. I am resting and taking care of myself. I am writing this propped up in my bed on my Mac Book. I will probably watch some Hulu when I get done writing this and just give into my body’s need to rest today. I’ve prepared myself for self isolation and social distancing by subscribing to Hulu. I bought a new desk and task chair with my income tax return to make teleworking more comfortable since I know I will be working from home more in the coming weeks. My condo is L-shaped so I can pace and get my steps in everyday right in my own home. I filled my freezer, fridge and panty. If I go out at all, it will minimal. Honestly, I may try to get my hair colored tomorrow because I need to wash some grey out of my hair and make myself feel pretty.

While home, I am still practicing yoga and meditation. I am going to work on building my own home practice one that is 30 minutes and one that is 60 minutes while I am home this weekend. If you are new at yoga or want to try a slow gentle practice, the below practice is simple and accessible. I found it on Instagram @yogarove. I did it yesterday. I liked it. It was the first time I tried Chair Yoga.

Take care of yourself and take care of vulnerable people in your community…

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I am sick. I have a massive Sinus Infection and headache again. Apparently I’ve had it a while and now I am beat up and exhausted. I went to the doctor on Thursday and was given antibiotics. I also had blood work done that morning. I received a note from my doctor through their App on Friday night asking me to come into the office ASAP to discuss my blood test results; her staff will fit me in. I will call on Monday. I am trying to put it out of my mind for the weekend. I suspect the issues are nutritional. My usual problems are B12, Iron and Vitamin D deficiencies because my stomach doesn’t alway absorb them.

Related to nutritional issues, I am officially no longer a Vegetarian. I fell of the wagon with Red Robin Salt and Pepper Burger with Steak Fries. I am not even sorry and I don’t feel guilty. I didn’t eat meat for about 65 days. I wanted to see if my body felt better without it. Guess what? No, it didn’t. I do not feel any better and now I have nutritional issues. As I reintroduce meat back into my diet, I will also aim to have a few meatless days per week as well. If you are anyone in your life is experimenting with Vegan or Vegetarian Diets, be mindful to incorporate the below nutrients into every day or take a supplement.

For now, I am giving into to not feeling well this weekend. I will be taking it easy most of the weekend. I want to give the antibiotic a chance to catch up. It seems like it is already working. I will only go out to get food or supplies… Otherwise, I will be home. I will not be traveling or going to places with a lot of people.

This brings me to Corona Virus. I’m sure you heard on the news, they are saying Don’t touch your face to prevent Corona Virus transmission. Try it… Don’t touch your face for one hour… Last Week Tonight with John Oliver had a great video for it…🤣

Work Update: I had a major WIN this week when I was able to obtain clearance from an outside regulatory body to use an accelerated approval process. This will save a lot of time in the schedule I am managing😄💫It was kind of a big deal 💫No one actually thought I would pull if off ☺️I am good at talking to stakeholders 😉I worked with our attorney to make sure the package I presented was tight and had a narrow focus. I also made sure I stuck to the script when I presented to them. I didn’t offer any information that was not in the official briefing. I received a message from our attorney afterwards that said the meeting went “shockingly well”🤣✌️ So, yes, I am enjoying my win… but, remember what I said, this approval accelerates my schedule. So, it’s time to step on the gas. That is also why I am taking this weekend to rest and working with my doctor to address any health issues. I have a busy six months coming up 🤣

I actually told my boss this week that I am moving forward where I can; I am no longer waiting for folks to make decisions. I’ll take my hand smacking and ask for forgiveness afterward if I go to far. Managers who don’t have a deep understanding of what I am doing are risk adverse. They hesitate to make decisions. It’s causing a huge problem for me. I am over it…The program, my program, will not end up a train wreck on my watch or as long as I am in this job.

Work also made sure everything is in place in case I need to telework full-time due to the Corona Virus issues. Since I am a remote employee anyway, it’s really not a big deal. I really only need to be the office on days that I have in person meetings at my office which. Most of my meeting are virtual or on the phone so that means I don’t really need to be in the physical office most days. I prefer to go in at least two or three days per week. Otherwise, I am stuck in my condo all the time. That’s not healthy. My Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Workshop is on Tuesday. I will share thoughts and tips from that workshop in next week’s Self Care Sunday post.

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I participated in an Emotional Intelligence (EI) Workshop that was offered in work to non-managers as part of their efforts to encourage employees to “lead from where they are”. The course was based on the best selling book, “Emotional Intelligence 2.0” by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. I really enjoyed the class. It will help me in work. It will also be beneficial in my own Holistic Health Coaching Business.

According to Psychology Today, “Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.” The four competences of EI are Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness and Relationship Management. As part of the workshop we did a test or assessment to see how we scored in each area. While I was above average in each competency, my highest competency is in Social Awareness. That means I am good at reading the room and sensing the emotions of others around me. While my lowest competency was still above average, my lowest competency is in Self Management. This means I need to work on my ability to manage my emotions and coping skills. This was not a surprise me. I’ve trained myself over the years to control my reactionary impulses. However, I do sometimes let my emotions get the best of me which leads to stress and anxiety. It also leads to me holding my emotions in until I almost spontaneously combust. Those who know me really well, know I tend to hold my breadth and not breathe. I will confess, Blue Love has gotten good at knowing when I’ve gotten to that point and always encourages me to breathe for a minute or two. I am taking private yoga classes and my teacher notices I do it while holding difficult poses so she is helping me be more aware of it.

As part of the EI workshop, we worked on personal action plans and identified two or key areas we wanted to work on in the near term. The course also provide each student with a set of Job Aids as tips and actions to help facilitate awareness. I can’t share the Job Aids because they are all branded but below is the Self Management Strategies portion from one Job Aid. I’ve chosen to work on: Breathe Right, Smile and laugh more and Focus on freedoms, rather than limitations.

I was watching my friend Laura’s YouTube Channel, LauraGYoga, recently. Laura is a local Yoga Therapist and Occupational Therapist. She discusses the importance of Breath Work in alot on her videos and podcasts. So I bought one of the books she recommend, The The Breathing Book by Donna Farhi. I am working through some of the exercises now to learn how to stop holding my breathe. I also signed up for our Emotional Intelligence 2.0 workshop at work which is in two weeks.

A work update: work has been getting better. Leadership has taken steps to take some of the burden off of me. I heard a few months ago about a new non-profit being stood up to handle workforce development issues in our industry but it was stalled for a few months. It looks like it is moving forward. The project I am currently working on would fit under that umbrella. We aren’t sure if this will affect the current grant award cycle I am working on because it will take time for them to stand it up. However, future award cycle could be moved to that organization. It looks like it will be based in Virginia or DC. It will be just fine for me to move on to another project once this one gets the money out the door – the answer to my prayers actually 🤣

A yoga update: I just had my second private class on Friday. I just love the private classes. My teacher, Heidi, is personal friend and owns a local studio, Hummingbird Yoga. She is a great teacher. We decided to do a moderately difficult practice slowly so we could assess my stamina and weak areas. Honestly, I did pretty good. I keep really nice alignment in asanas(poses). I need to build some strength. She gave me some areas to work on at home. Saturday is a complete and total rest day for me.

While my private classes are more challenging and last an hour or longer, my home practices are usually only 30 minutes and are balanced between stretching and strengthening. Heidi and I both believe my body could handle teacher training, if I want to do it the future. For now, I am just enjoying being back to regular yoga practice and doing breath work. I am taking things very slowly to avoid injury or doing too much too soon. The below pose is called Flip Dog or, The Wild Thing pose. You move into it by first starting in Down Dog Pose and slowly flipping over. A modification for this to come into it from Side Plank. I used to love to “flip my dog”. I haven’t tried it yet again but I am heading that direction 🙂

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The Fire ~ Blue Love Poetry
The fire
Still burns
In my heart
For you
No different
Than it was
All of those years ago
When we first
Noticed each other
And found
Excitement
In each others eyes

The fire
Still burns
Between my legs
When I think of you
And remember
How my breath
Quickened in your glance
And my nipples hardened
When you stood close

The fire
Still burns
While I explore
The path
To my own happiness
As you find your soul
In our separation
Nothing has cooled off
The fire still burns
For you

Our connection
Is strong enough
To allow us both
To grow
Our love is big enough
To offer us both
Space for self exploration
Our attraction
Is wild enough
To remain untamed
With the passing time

When you rest
Your head on
Your pillow tonight
Remember
My fire still burns
For you
I still burn
For you
(C) 2020 Highest Good Holistic Health Coaching, LLC – All Rights Reserved

It’s been a while since I wrote a poem for Blue Love💙💫😘 I think I could not be creative because my damn job had me so out of balance. I just could not find my creative voice. It feels good to be me again 💫

Since returning to practicing yoga a few weeks ago, I noticed I have some space back in my body. I also have balance back in my life and I am less anxious. I guess getting back to yoga everyday freed up space for me write poetry again.
I decided a couple of weeks ago to do private yoga classes with one of my favorite teachers. Private yoga classes are like personal training but just in yoga. I decided to buy a package of private classes because I have Hyper Mobility Syndrome. Hyper Mobility Syndrome means that I am double jointed throughout my whole body and my joints move more than they should. This makes me super flexible but it also makes me super prone to joint issues and injuries.

I always knew I was double jointed but I never knew I had a Hyper Mobility Syndrome until a Rheumatologist was evaluating me for Auto-immune issues in 2017 and diagnosed me with it in that appointment. He said it’s genetic – I’m most likely missing a gene. Since I am getting older, I want to ensure I take proper care of my joints while practicing yoga and I also want to customize a home practice that is appropriate for my body. I can do this in my private classes. I also am enjoying the private classes because I am exploring the idea of doing my Yoga Teacher Training in the next year or so. I found out I may be able to do it over six months. The private classes will help me build strength and I can assess if my body is up to it. This is how I feel when I my yoga teacher has me hold Down Dog for a long time…

Lastly, my favorite yoga pose is actually a Restorative Yoga Pose. It’s called Viparita Karani Pose or Legs Up The Wall. I generally do this every night for a couple of minutes or so. It’s very soothing. If I don’t feel like laying on the floor I will stack pillows on the bed and put my legs up against them.

I can’t even express how happy I am to back to practicing yoga. I’m more centered, less anxious and general more happier. That doesn’t mean my job is any less crazy than it was last month. It’s still the craziest job I ever had… It just means I am adjusting better. They are taking steps to make things better for me so I am trying to work it out with them. In the meantime, I will focus on finding my happy outside of work and in writing poetry again. What’s your happy?

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I’ve I spent some time this week reconnecting with my dreams and taking action to realign with what authentically makes me happy.

Yoga makes me happy. I’ve practiced yoga for a long time. Being on the mat brings me peace. My favorite style of yoga is Yin Yoga or Gentle Flow Yoga. I like slow meditative practices like Yin because it’s includes seated postures, longer holds, breath work and meditation. Yoga isn’t about burning calories for me. It’s not exercise for me. It’s a spiritual practice. It’s how I calm myself down and find peace. That’s why I prefer to practice at the end of the day. It helps me let go of the stress of the day.

I was not practicing yoga a lot in last year because I’ve had a few injuries and illnesses in that made a regular practice challenging. Last Sunday I engaged my inner yogi and started practicing Yin or Slow Yoga for 30 minutes a day using YouTube videos in my living room on my own eco-friendly recycled rubber mat from Jade Yoga. Guess what? I haven’t needed Xanax this week 😄I would like to say I will practice every day for 21 to 30 days but this is where I usually get myself into trouble. I over do it. So, I’m going to take a clue from my body and after practicing yoga for seven days straight, I will most likely take Self Care Sunday as a rest day. I might walk but no yoga. Going forward I will shoot to practice yoga 3 to 5 days a week for 30 minutes while I build up stamina again. I started with Yin videos and added in a Beginners flow class too. I am an advanced yogi but I wanted to revisit some basic beginner poses as a foundation for my new practice. I’m tight. I need to take it slow so I don’t injure myself.

I am 52 years old now. My yoga needs to be different now than it was when I was 35 years old. I’ve always been super flexible thanks to being double jointed. Yoga has always come easy and effortless to me but now I am older. My body is stiffer and some days my old injuries make me feel like Tinman from restriction in the body. I am learning to make accommodations and adjustment for injuries. I stopped judging myself. Just because I don’t look perfect in a pose anymore doesn’t mean I should stop doing yoga. It means that I allow my body to work to its limit without pushing or forcing. Naturally, over time, body will open up and give me space to move. This has been a lesson about self acceptance and letting go of who I used to be on the mat for who I am now. I am older and wiser. My body is still beautiful no matter how awkward I feel moving in and out of poses. This is also why I am practicing at home without a mirror for now instead of going to a studio. Watching myself in a mirror as I practice will only lead to me judging on myself and feeling sad about how my body has changed.

Over the last week, I’ve been thinking about my friend Karen who passed away in April 2018 from Peritoneal Cancer. Karen was the best friend I’ve had – the absolute best friend I’ve ever had. I definitely feel the void of her loss in my life every day. Karen hated Yoga. Karen was a gym rat. She was usually in the gym by 4:30am getting a hard core workout in before she went to work. She hated the slowness of yoga. Back in 2013 I was considering enrolling in Yoga Teacher Training and I wanted to go to a Yoga Conference in New York City to get information. Surprisingly, she offered to take the day off from work and go with me. Karen hated yoga but she loved me. She spent all day in the yoga expo talking to yogis, reading literature and doing sample classes with me. While on the train on the way home she said, “I still hate yoga but I had a lot of fun with you today!” The point of this story is… Karen was willing to do something she didn’t enjoy all day just to hang out with me and support me. I ended up not enrolling in teacher training because the schedule would have been hard to manage while also working full time. My body just doesn’t have that stamina. I still haven’t enrolled in teacher training for the same reason. I can’t do that while working full time

I’ve talked on this blog that I was going to start reintroducing one glass of red wine back into diet. I only stopped drinking wine because my tummy didn’t always enjoy it as much as my taste buds did. I promised Karen before she died when I had my first glass of wine, it would be with her. So I bought an expense bottle of Argentina Malbec and poured two glasses. I toasted Karen and took a sip… Well, it didn’t go very well 🤣After four sips, my face became red, hot and itchy and my nose was stuffy. It seemed like an allergic reaction. I know folks may say their face turns red with wine too but this wasn’t normal. I was starting to not feel well. So, I poured it all down the drain, threw out the bottle after four sips and took a Pepcid AC to settle the reaction down. I am glad I conducted this experiment at home and not out in public 🍷So that’s that. I will not be drinking wine – period! Maybe I’ll try a Guinness Stout next 🤣 Or maybe I’ll just continue being a non-drinker and be ok with it instead of trying to recreate something from my past. It’s called self acceptance. Maybe I will work on that instead of experimenting with alcohol✌️

As I indulge myself in the fantasy of escaping my current reality and living a more authentic life, I open myself up to the possibility that my dream may come true one day. One day I may hit the lottery or save up enough money to totally immerse myself into building my Holistic Health Practitioner business. Or maybe it waits until I officially retire. Either way, I would first take a few months off to decompress. I would then enroll in Yin Yoga and Meditation Teacher Training. I have a friend who did her teacher training at 62 years old after she retired from teaching high school full time👍

I think I will start working on a draft of business plan for my Holistic Health Practice. My target market is folks over 50 years old. Yin Yoga and Meditation Instruction as well as personal training would fit into my services perfectly. I am also a Reiki Master. I would could start teaching Reiki and practicing Reiki. Other services I would provide include: guidance on supplements, educating folks on food labels. I would go food shopping with them and show them how to work the store to spend less money and make better food choices. Here’ a tip: stay out of the middle isles (if possible). All of processed junk is in the middle.

I would love to own or be a partner in an eco-friendly Organic Coffee & Tea Shop where I could offer my holistic health Practitioner services including, Yoga Classes, Reiki, Food label reading classes, Nutritional Supplement classes, etc..💫

Some times you just have to give your dreams room to breathe…What’s your dream? Are there any small steps you can take today to reconnect to it?

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It happened yesterday afternoon. The moment that I finally admitted the truth that I’ve been denying for months. The truth is – my truth is – I am in the middle of depression. I finally let someone see me…

It actually happened at work by accident but the after-affects have been vibrating through me since. Here’ what happened… I work in large building with many employees. I don’t typically socialize with coworkers outside of work. However, a long term friend, in real life, is also a coworker. She worked on the other side of building but her cubicle was coincidentally moved across from mine recently. I am a new vegetarian and she has been a vegetarian almost her whole life. I was asking her for tips…

Then she says, “Why are you changing your diet so much again, is your stomach still not improving?” Well, the answer to that what that my stomach is still fucked up. I’m not sure what is going on but I’m having an Upper GI on Friday… She then says, “I hear you on the phone and when folks stop by, that job seems stressful! Does that bother you?” The answer to that question was “Yes, it bothers me and I told her If I would have known what I was getting into, I would not have accepted this job. I am also trying to work it out with them. It’s been stressful.” Then she says, “for me – what I think is anxiety is actually depression”. And, that’s when I teared up. We both knew when she said it – that is what happening with me. I am in a depression. I’ve been trying to act normal, work normal and pretend to be normal while I am depressed and sad.

For clarity, I’ve known I was skirting the edges of depression. I knew I was feeling conflicted in many aspects of my life. I just didn’t want to use the word. Like saying the word was admitting I was a failure. So this is me finally admitting it. It’s been manifesting itself as anxiety, likely giving me tummy troubles and making work even more stressful than it already is… Today, I am finally showing you who I really am. Today I will stop beating myself up and just let whatever needs to drop – drop. Here’s is where I let it go. I can’t keep wearing the mask anymore.

Since last weekend I’ve been thinking a lot about happier times in my life. I’ve retracing what was happening in my life, what was I doing at that time that made me happy? One major difference is… I practiced yoga five days a week. Yoga was like my chill pill. It’s like smoking pot 🤣 I’ve gotten away from it in recent months. Given my body has changed and I am older, I need to approach my yoga practice differently and focus on a slower more nurturing style instead of flow or Vinyasa. I need a slower soothing practice, I engaged my inner yogi by starting a 21 day yoga challenge on Sunday. I am only practicing 30 minutes a day. I am using YouTube videos instead of putting pressure on myself to go to a studio and I am only doing Yin Yoga. Yin is slower, meditative and you hold poses for longer while doing a breathe meditation. Yin will be more nurturing to me at this time it’s also excellent for stress for anxiety. I just finished tonight’s practice. I used this video tonight and I really like this instructor:

The other change I am making is that once in a while I am going to let myself have that one glass of really expensive red wine with dinner. My stomach isn’t any better without it. Abstaining hasn’t helped my tummy and I do miss sitting and talking to a friend over a glass of wine. If I am going to suffer anyway, I may was well enjoy a glass of goddamn wine when I am not driving🤣🍷

I got my income tax refund and it’s going towards a retreat in march. I am definitely booking three nights at The Lodge at Woodloch in the Pocono Mountains. I am also going to do the technology detox while I am there. If anything happens in my family, they will need to call the Hotel Receptionist because I am locking my cell phone up for four days. I waiting until after I have the Upper GI on Friday to book the trip but it will most likely be mid to late march.

And as far as my crazy job goes … Well, I have risk adverse managers. I am, however, a risk taker. I made a few phone calls today that technically could get me in trouble.. but if it works out, it will be worth it and I may have found a solution to one of our biggest challenges and risks. I will know for sure tomorrow. So, here’s what I say to that…

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If you like Pina Coladas. And getting caught in the rain. If you’re not into yoga. If you have had a brain. If you like making love at midnight. In the dunes on the cape. Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for. Write to me and escape.

If I could escape the matrix(reality), I mean really escape – I would quit my job. I would move somewhere in the mountains, maybe somewhere in the Berkshires, to breathe clean mountain air. I would work at a coffee shop or cafe while also building my Holistic Health Practitioner business. I would offer Reiki and help folks navigate alternative solutions to Big Pharma meds. I would live simply. Doing something earthy and be grounded. I would eat cleanly and move my body in fresh clean air. I would leave everything in my current real life behind. Seriously, leave it all behind…

Yep, I would escape to the mountains because I need hills and trees. It’s too flat here at the beach… And, I would not want to escape to Key West. I’m not a burn-out, alcoholic or boater. Maybe I am generalizing too much but I think you have to be one of those to enjoy the Key West lifestyle. Also, Florida is “red hat” country and I would end up in a fist fight 😂 If I am leaving the matrix, I am going into the mountains.

It’s not the first time I thought of escaping to the mountains. I was actually going to do it a few years ago, around 2012, when I got sick and was looking to simplify my life…time passed life carried on… I moved on and I ended up where I am. Where I am isn’t bad place, it just isn’t in alignment with who I am deep down inside. But honestly… I’ve always kept my escape plan in the back of mind and it’s the reason why I am still renting a condo instead of buying. I am still fantasizing that one day my golden handcuffs will be Blue Love tying to me to the bed instead of job😈

My simple truth is…I don’t need much to be happy. I never have. I got caught up in my flow of making money, career advancement and accumulating stuff. The truth is… none of this is truly aligned to who I am when I take my mask off everyday…that’s at the heart of my discontentment.

So what’s holding me back from breaking free and making the move?

First, my mother. My Mom is 80 years. She lives in Philly and I enjoy playing an active role in her life. Four hours away from her is too far for me to see her on a regular basis. As far as the rest of my family – a little distance would be just fine 😂

Second, can I really walk away from a job where I make decent living and live in a beachfront condo to making coffee while building my own business? It’s scary…I don’t know I am ready yet but I am at least starting to formulate a plan and opening my mind to living on less.

The third reason I am hesitating is Blue Love. By making this choice I would be putting physical distance between us. We will always be connected in our hearts and souls but this would put a lot of space between us. I’m not sure I can do that…unless…perhaps Blue Love is also fantasizing about escaping the matrix. I doubt that he wants to leave the matrix considering he has a new fancy job but indulge me while I break out into song for Blue Love🤣✌️💙🥰

If he likes coffee alotta
And getting caught in the rain
If he’s willing to try yoga
I just love his beautiful brain
If he wants to make love at midnight
Under the stars with videotape
I will be his lover forever
Let’s start planning our escape

Maybe this post is just me indulging a fantasy and finally giving it air. Maybe it’s a prediction of what will happen in the future or maybe it’s me finally taking the mask off and showing you all who I really am. This has been at the heart of my internal conflict for a long time…I am much simpler and need less than the life I am currently living…but I am not quite ready to let go…

Here’s this week’s work update, I’ve was successful in getting my title changed to “Program Lead” instead of “Program Manager” this week👍This is good for me✌️First, “lead” was the position I thought I was accepting when I took the job back in August. I never thought I would be the “Program Manager” because that is a role usually held by someone who is officially in management. Somehow everyone started looking at me like the “Program Manager” and calling me it. It’s been causing a lot of confusion with internal and external stakeholders about my level of authority, accountability and responsibility. Which means it is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I’m not an official manager, and at this time, I don’t want to be.

This job has taken over my whole life…I want my life back. I need space in my life to find happiness. I’ve been working with leadership to establish structure around me and also restructure my position and workload. Instead of me traveling in February, three of them are coming to my location for a few days to help “fix” things locally. There’s only so much you can do over the phone… I don’t have to travel again until March… At least that is the current plan but it seems to change daily…so who knows at this point 🤣

A coworker made a comment about how much “fun” my job must be. If you call going to legal about ethics stuff in your first 60 days on a new job, blowing up a schedule by a year in your first 90 days and having leaders doubt and question me for the first three months fun, then I guess it might be fun🤣 I will share that everything I told leadership has been proven to be 💯 right ✌️The actual the schedule slippage that was caused by leadership’s missteps before I got here last summer is 15 months not a year. That’s right — the regulatory actions leadership missed that I uncovered in my first six weeks broke their schedule by 15 months. OUCH! The good thing is now they believe me and trust me. They also know it was not my fault. They see me as the person who got them moving in the right direction – as painful as it was for me🤣Someone told me I “saved their bacon!” 🤣 You may call this fun but I still call the whole thing fucked up!

So, the word “fun” triggered me though. I don’t remember when I last had fun…In any area of my life…That’s kind of what my problem is….I need to find my way back to authentic Linda. Because the Linda I’ve been on the last six to nine months hasn’t been fun or enjoyed herself in any way…And I’m not just talking about work…I have to find a way to get back to fun and reclaiming my life and my personal power. That’s why I want to go on a retreat.

A retreat is different from a trip. A retreat is different from a vacation. I don’t want to sit by the pool and sip cocktails. I don’t to explore new landmarks. I want to remove myself from real life, quiet the noise down from outside influences, sit with myself, feel the good, bad and ugly within myself and excavate a path to happiness from within. I am currently looking for the most supportive place to do that kind of work – I, of course, keep returning to www.kripalu.org. I just hate driving five hours each way to go there so I am doing some research. I think I may be willing to splurge this time around and really break my matrix 🤣Who knows, maybe I’ll go to Sedona, AZ for a retreat. I will most likely be going to an upscale retreat in the Pocono Mountains which drivable, https://www.thelodgeatwoodloch.com/hawley-packages/wellness-reboot/. But there is a swanky one near Pittsburgh but that is also a long drive, https://www.nemacolin.com/ Stay tuned to learn where I end up going…

And a political rant….

If all you Democrats & Independents don’t turn out to vote on November 3rd in record numbers and we get 4 more years of The Trump Cult, I may escape to Canada 🇨🇦 If you aren’t worried about our country slipping into an Authoritative/Dictatorship, you aren’t paying close enough attention to Trump & the GOPs actions… Stay woke ✌️

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It’s Saturday morning. I am drinking coffee, watching AMJOY on @MSNBC and feeling totally exhausted. I find myself mentally and physically exhausted. I am mentally tired because of my damn job. 😂 I am physically tired because I had a busy week. I was in the office for 10 hour days Monday through Wednesday. I was in DC on Thursday and I drove up to Philly early on Friday to spend the day with my Mom. Friday was a nice day but I drove a lot. Today is Saturday and I have absolutely no desire to go anywhere. I especially do not feel like driving.

I am emotionally exhausted today because I care about our Nation and what is happening in our Nation upsets me. I believe POTUS should be penalized for abusing his power but let me be clear — I would feel this way about any elected official whether Republican or Democrat who abused their office or power. Unchecked power is dangerous and is a slippery slope. What will he do next now that he knows he can do whatever he wants? This isn’t a Red or Blue issue for me. It’s a Right or Wrong issue for me. Do you really want a leader with unchecked power? I DO NOT – period! It worries me…

I don’t know what the future holds but I am not sure I would even want to be an official “manager”. While I have the knowledge, skills and abilities to work at that level, I am not sure I have drive, desire or even the stamina for it. I enjoy strategic work. I enjoy outreach work. This will be better for me…Lastly, Management had an extra seat for a leadership workshop that was already paid for so they asked me if I wanted to use the extra seat. Since it’s for an “Emotional Intelligence” leadership workshop, I accepted it and I am looking forward to it. It’s on 2/27✌️

Personally, I am still trying to figure out the best time to go back to the Berkshire Mountains. It’s either going to be for a Kundalini Yoga workshop March 16-19th or later in April or May. The only reason I am debating. It’s still can be really cold and snowy in the Berkshires in March. I am really hoping to get outside in the Mountains this time and do the guided hikes so warmer weather would be better for me. Here’s another photo of the Berkshires which is one of my happy places.

My plan for the rest of Saturday? I am fairly certain I will not be leaving the house today. I may not even leave the sofa and quite possibly will be heading back to bed this afternoon for a long nap. Sunday is still to be determined but I know for sure I’m teleworking on Monday ✌️😊

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It’s taken a village to keep me sane this week ☺️ Honestly, I’m not used to asking for help or asking for support. When I do reach out, it’s because I’ve hit the limit of what I am able to handle on my own.

First, I reached out to tell my leadership that I’m at my breaking point. I straight up told them I would be looking for the exit if we didn’t find some way to lessen my burden. As a result, they invited me to few meetings so I could see what management has been up to in hopes that I see why things have been so crazy and why I need to stay with them.To my surprise — they are actually standing up a whole new group around me; I was only the first hire.They intend to pull other similar programs into the new group with me.They also recognized that part of my problem is that I’ve had three Divisional Managers in five months and the temporary folks didn’t want to make any hard decisions. Lol 🙂That’s why it’s been so crazy. They asked me to participate on the team that is planning the new group too.It’s seems to me someone is “Empire Building”.🤣 But, I was happy to finally know structure is coming.

I am not easily impressed by managers. They are a dime a dozen where I work. My experience the last five months helped me to see how much I really do respect and trust the group of managers I used to work with in my former group. With that said, I am already impressed by my new permanent Divisional Manager; that’s saying something.She’s been in the job for two weeks and made more decisions in the last four days than the other two did in five months.For example, I had “creative” ideas on how I could mitigate a couple risks & tighten up the schedule. I couldn’t get any traction with the temporary actors. However, the new permanent manager gave me the go ahead to move forward and present them later this week when I am in Headquarters.She also took one for team by getting a meeting with the senior exec to ask for support positions.She came back with four positions – not too shabby! 👏Two of the four will support my programs because — as of 4:00pm yesterday — they confirmed I am now going to be managing THREE new programs and my budget just grew by 50%. Lol 🙂 OMG… OMFG🤣

I will try to remember to breathe… I promise ☺️Thank God I can telework one or two days per week and I only have to go to HQ every other week. I go this Thursday and then every week going forward. They said I can take the train and stay overnight if I prefer to do that instead of flying down. They said I have a budget for travel and should feel free to use it 😄That’s a relief. I may actually switch and go Wednesday to Thursday this week – that’s if I can get a room…I suppose to get through the next year I am really going to have to focus on the LONG GAME and not get caught up in the daily bullshit. Perhaps I should try to get the bullshit sucked out of my head each day🙃

While in the middle of a full on anxiety attack Tuesday, I reached out to my “Blue Love” 💙He has a rock solid stability about him that comforts me ☺️He must have realized I was about to totally spin out…I definitely was… ☺️ I am thankful he was a good friend to me 😘 He does have a way of diffusing my “crazy” and helps to bring my anxiety level down 😊 So when he asked me to go to my happy place for a minute, I went to three place I enjoy in my mind:
(1) Berkshire Mountains in Mass (photo at top and first photo below)
(2) Beach view from my living room window (second photo below)
(3) Blue Love’s beautiful blue eyes 😍 Yes, his dreamy blue eyes are one of my happy places 💙✌️

I want to go to the Berkshires for a weekend this Spring. I was thinking of going in late April or early May but there is a good program at Kripalu in March I would like to attend. hmm…

Next topic — I can’t make myself feel good about going on SSRI Effexor for anxiety and hot flashes. I just can’t do it. I’m trying to deal with hot flashes and anxiety naturally.I am now using Red Maca Powder. Red Maca is good for hot flashes and is also an adaptogenic herb which can help with stress.It has to be cycled – meaning that you take it for four days and then take two days off.I am also eating more Avocados because they are loaded with B vitamins.When we are under stress, our bodies tend to burn through the B Vitamins.Adding a B-Complex or multi that has high potency B Vitamins can help. Since I’m not eating meat or fish, my doctor recommended I start taking B-12 with Folate every day. It’s a chewable. I’ve also gone back to taking the Magnesium with dinner and 1/2 a Xanax at bedtime the doctor recommended a few years ago so I don’t clench my jaw from anxiety in my sleep. So why yes to a 1/2 of a Xanax at bedtime but no to a low does of Effexor? Because I can skip Xanax when I don’t have anxiety. I can’t skip the Effexor. Guess what? No hot flashes or night sweats this week. That may be temporary or coincidental but I’ll take it!

How was your week? Where do you go in your mind when you need to find happiness for a minute? Where’s your happy place? How are you managing stress? How do you manage your “crazy”?

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