change

Today was the day I was found. While I was not lost, I was walking a path that was unclear and out of focus. I was not able to see what my future would become and was not looking forward with much hope. This morning, hearing one song veered me back toward the path on which I was meant to be. Music empowers me in different ways and today this song touched me deeply. I need to change for the better, my family needs this from me. I replayed the song no less than six times.

I know what I need to do with my life and what has been found within me. While the Lord has never left my side, I turned away from and not toward Him for help, guidance, strength and peace. Sometimes, being strong means forgiving yourself and accepting the help of others when it is offered. I am more aware and alive than I have been in a long time. I thank God for granting the gift of writing music and lyrics for others to share with us. Music has once again shown me the way and hit me right between the eyes with this song. I have been found.

Changed by Rascal Flatts

I came up, out of the water
Raised my hands, up to the Father
Gave it all to Him that day
Felt a new wind kiss my face
Walked away, eyes wide open
Could finally see where I was going
It didn’t matter where I’d been, I’m not the same man I was then

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place, where souls get lost,
lines get crossed and the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, now here I stand
There I was, now here I am.. Here I am. Changed.

I got a lot of “hey I’m sorry”s, the things I’ve done,
Man that was not me I wish that I could take it all back,
I just wanna tell ’em that.. tell ’em how

I’ve changed for the better. More smiles, less bitter…
I’m even starting to forgive myself. Yes I am

I hit my knees, now here I stand
There I was, now here I am, here I am, here I am I’m changed.
Yes I am.. I’ve changed for the better

Like this:

Just be yourself. Okay. But who am I? I know the person that I want to be, and the person that I feel I can be, but my codependency tends to get in the way. I am gaining the mental acuity to know the person that is deep within me and yet I push that person aside. I want to be strong, self-assured, confident, happy, loving, caring, intelligent, spiritual, and carefree. That person is within me and screaming to come out and face the world. Instead, the codependent in me wants to fix the world and when she can’t, she stumbles and falls. The person who gets up is a bit more negative and depressed.

When I hear the voice inside, I want to follow and throw aside the chains of codependency. The happier, more self-confident me draws others in and laughter becomes the norm. Meeting other codependents is therapeutic. Seeing the similarities in our behavior patterns is enlightening and speaking of our past experiences helps, as we know we are not alone. Codependents are normal people with bonus behavior and sensitivity traits. We are good, loving, caring people who want to save the world. We can start by saving ourselves.

We can overcome codependency. “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are headed.” Words to live by, I think.

I was the best wallflower with the most amazing ability to blend into any background. Never wanting to draw attention to myself, I was uncomfortable at parties, especially if alcohol was present. I always wanted to be the girl who was extremely confident, fun, and who others gravitated towards. This was not to be. I grew up too fast and this maturity at such a young age stunted my “party” persona. I still feel awkward in a party setting or a large crowd, but I am changing. Enter Me 2.0.

I have before me an opportunity to take control of my destiny and be successful. The window to this opportunity will not stay open long and I must firmly grasp this chance by being more assertive, more willing to be a “no” person, as well as be more forward thinking. I know I am capable of doing all three, and have the confidence to accomplish much in my career. However, the constant need to make everyone happy rears its ugly head again. I often feel the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.

As I break away from the old me and walk at a steady pace, I continuously look back at the old me in the shadows. While the old me will always have her place in my soul, the new me is becoming quite remarkable. I face forward and move more quickly toward my future My change is my destiny. I will become a new me.

“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”
―William Jennings Bryan

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
―Rick Warren