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…if you and your two mullet-sporting friends go to Walmart just to gather in awe around the shopping cart escalator.

True story.

Let me explain…

I was at Walmart yesterday, and although it’s a well-known fact that Walmart is like the mother-ship for all things redneck, I’ve never witnessed anything like this!

My friendly neighborhood Walmart has lower-level parking, so there are escalators for customers’ easy car-to-store access. There are also escalators for the shopping carts (or “buggies,” as they are called in the South) that run parallel to the people-escalators, so you can still take your cart with you and roll right up to your car on the lower parking deck.

As I was leaving the store and pushing my cart full of freshly-purchased groceries to the escalators, I see that it’s blocked by three middle-aged men with mullets and shirts with the sleeves cut off. They were all crouched with their hands resting on their knees, except for one who was on crutches but was doing his best to duck his head, staring down the length of the escalator. I thought maybe it was broken (it occasionally goes out of service). But then one of them noticed me standing behind them and in a perfect Jeff-Foxworthy-redneck-accent exclaimed, “Oh! Fellers, git out the way fer this lady. I’m sorry ma’am, we’re just amazed at the technology, here!”

I did my best to smile without laughing too much, and as I pushed my cart onto the cart-escalator and then stepped onto the people-escalator next to it, I heard him tell his friends, “Ok, now watch this! She puts the cart on this here thing, and it rides all the way down…by itself!” Followed by his buddies exclaiming, “Oh, man!” “I’ll be darned!”

Another lady had just reached the bottom level with her cart, and it must have been her escalator-riding skills the guys were admiring when I approached them. She glanced up, and we exchanged smiles, but only for a second, so as not to burst out laughing.

All I could think was…”Where is Jeff Foxworthy when you need him???” 🙂