This is about an unexpected journey through fertility struggles and miscarriage loss, and now motherhood... If you are on this journey too or know someone who is, I hope you find some comfort or familiarity here.

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Monday, August 23, 2010

**Rant ahead**
Man, how I hate the two-week-wait. I hate it so much. I think it is kinda like 'peeing on the stick' but doing it and then waiting 14 days (or 336 hours) to look at the result. Or for some of us (infertility-types) it may even feel like you pee-ed on it three years ago... and you are still waiting for the result. I'm not sure.

It is agonizing and excruciating and every other synonym of 'painful' and 'stupid' you can come up with. I detest how so much hangs on it and how it makes me feel like I'm going insane. Days like these, infertility stuff just plain ol' sucks big time. I want to hammer it out of my life or chuck porcelain plates at it!

'nuff said.
**Rant over**

I should talk about something else before I infect the rest of you with my oozing anxiousness.

Breathe.

If you get the NZ Herald (physically not digitally), go check it out! There's an insert in it that's a magazine about Auckland and while I was flipping through it at work, I suddenly noticed that I'm on the cover. (On the cover like a cover-girl? um... no.)

Let me clarify. There's a crowd on the cover and I'm in the crowd- by my friend Alice. haha. How random is that? Kinda fun though.

(Not the best angle but, see red-singlet-girl at the lower end? That's me. My friend Alice is to the right, not sure if you can see her, a couple of heads away.)

It is from Round The Bays 2006 (I think... years ago anyway) so I'm not sure why they didn't use a newer one, but hay, I'm happy with it. Makes it kinda exciting for me. Too bad no one really reads the (physical) paper much anymore, even we don't. (We're only reading it at the moment cos' we got a subscription recently, as there was a deal with it where you get free movie tickets every month! Yeah they came to our door and bribed... and we caved.)

So. Nice to have a giggle about that. Thank you God for random little things.

Thank you God that you are also God of the big things...

My cousin C has been keeping tabs on me through this blog. Today she wrote a note to me and encouraged me with a verse:

My God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You. Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me.

Psalm 25:2 (Amplified)

So hard to do though huh?

Feeling pretty helpless today I have to admit. The husband is a big fan of sci-fi and I watched some Fringe episodes with him yesterday. The idea of a parallel universe or a way to fast-forward to the future definitely looks appealing. Some days it feels like 'anywhere but here' might be easier to handle.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Marriage takes a deeper plunge too when you are dealing with infertility and loss. I have learnt a lot about how I know very little about the male psyche and how it functions, but miraculously we eventually do get to conclusions together (probably more by the grace of God than by normal resolve haha)... but I'll leave that for another day.

The husband and I are trying to make sure we spend time with each other. Like everyone else, life is busy and it is easy to let things go with the flow, then suddenly you realise you haven't really connected for a while.

Yesterday we were supposed to go for a walk outside, but because it was raining (when is it not?), the husband convinced me to go to the hardware store with him instead, since he had a small list of things to buy. His thought was that we could do our 'walk' there. (Right.)

Anyway. I went. He had good intentions and it was something to do together which is always nice, especially these days when things can feel a bit doom-and-gloom-ish.

But, it also gave me an idea. Here's a list of things you can do if you find yourself at hardware stores too, and believe me, I'm a pro. (I married a man who has car projects, yard projects, home projects- some my fault, don't-throw-away-that-I-can-fix-it projects, that have gone for longer than a year simultaneously, and yes, we have had meals in the garage.)

6. Keep walking. Might as well get a bit of exercise while you are there.

7. Sometimes they sell massive bags of washing detergent/random other cleaning product like that- why not calculate if it actually is cheaper to get those than the smaller portions you get at the supermarket. That's one I've been meaning to do.

8. Ask someone for help if you or the husband need a hand. There might be a small scuffle between the two of you because either one will always claim they don't need help but it saves time (and your marriage)- that's if you can find a staff person in the giant land of metal shelving.

9. If you are feeling brave, there often is a child-proofing section, so you can plan what you'd buy there one day, or how you'd be such a great parent that the sound of your voice would turn them away from the doorknob so you wouldn't need that stuff. Of course, if that is too overwhelming to daydream about, which is often is for me, then please don't. Take that as a warning instead- so if you see baby-gate, run.

10. If you lose the husband, don't bother looking. It never turns up any finds and he's probably not ready to go anyway- still figuring out which type of wood is best. Maybe go buy some saws and sculpting tools so you can use them in the kitchen for baking like on Ace of Cakes. (Love.)

11. The paint sample cards can be semi-fascinating. They are free so you can collect a few everytime you go past and make them into some craft project at home like a piece of art (like this dress) or design your own greeting cards.

12. If all else fails, turn to food. Some stores now have cafes in them but if not, there are bags of lollies at the checkout counters, or sometimes there are sausage sizzles going outside so go have one, or two.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

How is your weekend going? It is Sunday here. (I'm supposed to be making something for tonight for when I go to my mom's for dinner, but here I am trying to squeeze in a post.)

I'm trying to keep things a little lighter. (Not sure if that is possible because I think about a lot of stuff, probably over-think yes, and over-analyse yes, as that is also just a big part of who I am! But I'm trying to consciously take it easy on the heart and brain... focus on some fun things.)

Well... I've also been advised by our counsellor friend to try and chill, while I'm waiting for the next couple weeks, so I'm working on it!

I love lists, here's one:

1. Last week I got an award! The 'Versatile Blogger Award' from Grace at Chois-R-Us. Yay! Thanks so much. My first ever. Feel pretty stoked about that. WOW! (Sorry haven't had a good opportunity to respond to it yet though...)

2. On Thursday I was doing some errands in the mall and decided to have an ice-cream cone. Chose peppermint-chocolate chip. SO GOOD. Reminded me of when I was a girl becuase I used to have that flavour all the time (not totally sure why, but I did)... Ice-cream is so going to be in heaven too I reckon. What's your favourite flavour? (I can never decide.)

(I only had one scoop- though I would've welcomed two more... this is just a stock photo.)

3. On Friday I ended up watching two movies! One, Killers, at the movies and the other, Baby Mama, on TV. I didn't intend to purposefully watch movies with baby-related bits in them (obviously one had those themes more than the other), but somehow I did. And it wasn't too bad. Pretty funny actually. Yay for light and fluffy entertainment! (I also met up with a couple of friends- thanks for that!)

4. Yesterday our team (we work together but we are also good friends) did a session on Strengthfinders. It was cool finding out some of our specific strengths and always makes you feel good knowing you are good at something haha, and hearing someone else tell you that you have neat gifts. Yuss! Great resource for teams and work relationships- totally recommend it. (If you are familiar with them, mine are: Individualization, Deliberative, Analytical, Developer and Belief.)

5. Yesterday we had friends (who are engaged, woopwoop!) over for brunch. LOVE BRUNCH. We had pancakes with blueberries, fried banana, maple syrup and bacon. (The boys also added cream as one of the toppings... hmmm, I wasn't so sure. ) It was great to see them. If you want a good pancake recipe, I have an awesome one from my mother-in-law.

6. Today I bought a wedding magazine for my above friend. She's still thinking through what she wants to do for her wedding, and I seized the opportunity to get her a Martha Stewart Weddings magazine. I know I know... Martha's a bit much and we have our own local ones, but it is just such a great publication for ideas! Though a bit useless for phone numbers cos' we live in NZ. Can't help it. I'm trying not to look through it myself but I just love the pictures in it. And the IDEAS! Ahhhh. Look forward to giving it to her.

7. Making something 'different' to take to Mrs K's (my mother) tonight. Will post pictures depending on whether it turns out or not. haha.

8. Oh for got this one- on Wednesday night we had dinner with my cousin-in-law (cousin's husband) who lives in the UK. Sad I didn't get to see my cousin herself and their little boy but that's ok. It is always nice to have a friendly visitor drop by from far far away.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Here are a couple links that have popped up on other blogs. Thought you may be interested.

This is an article from the women's magazine SELF (U.S.), 'This Woman Has a Secret', which I got from Untangle Me. It is about the silence surrounding infertility, both personally and socially/politically...

On Monday, I watched the short doco on Jay-Jay and Dom's IVF attempt again but this time with the husband- from a previous post. We are still working through our thoughts about IVF and it was cool to watch it together. Overall I think it was really because we totally know how they feel! Hope and frustration tangled in one big web of intensity. Lots of tears again.

It was actually also good preparation because I was going to the clinic for a procedure and it was helpful to see someone else's experience- not the same but similar. I could visualize what was going to happen.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I know my last post was quite full of grrrrrrrrr-ness.

If you wanna know... Basically, I'd produced too many follicles/eggs for just the 'usual' ovulation induction plan to continue... so we had to go to the back up plan, which was to aspirate/remove extra eggs and because that makes you sore, it was then best to proceed with IUI.

So I've done my first IUI. Yes, I'm slowly working my way through every possible fertility treatment available possible. I think I'm ruining my good doctor's wonderful track record... haha.

Thankful for drugs that make you groggy (love it cos' then you don't realise the position you are in) and the husband who was by my side. I'm doing well now- some crampy pain but nothing bad.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm not great with surprises. (Unless it is presents or a briefcase of money...) Spontaneous people probably thing I'm such a party pooper. I will plan your surprise party though! And I won't forget the ice.

I like knowing what I'm up for. WARN ME should be written all over my forehead.

So at every jerk and turn of this journey I've struggled with the unexpected. Over and over... things keep popping up and I never get used to it. I guess spontaneous or not, no one really gets used to the tricky things that come your way in something so intense like struggling to have kids.

I do try to plan for different outcomes and prepare myself. I also know to try and lower my highest-of-high expectations but it is hard. When the news comes and bombs on you, it shakes all your clever preparation out of your hand! I go into a cloudy shock-zone and it takes me a while to be nudged out of it.

So anyway. We're in the midst of a little twist in our Round 8 try. Let's just say I'm gonna have a new 'experience' to add to my infertilty resume. Not good or bad, just a tad more invasive that I'd hoped for this round.

Many others have been here before so it is a little wimpy to be so nervy. But I guess at the core of it I also still struggle to not be mad. Mad that this is so hard. Mad that it can't be simple. Mad that we are here again in this ambiguous place. Jealous of others too. So I think maybe often my resistance is also a stubbornness thing. I want it done my way. MY WAY.

I should be excited...

It is still a shot at getting pregnant so I need to lean on hope. All is not over. It is also still funded so I need to remember that this is more of an opportunity than many others are getting out there.

If you are of the praying kind, please pray for us today- and um... forever. I'm nervous and scared, today's thing is a new one, but I know it is all in God's timing and there is little I can do besides go with the plan and see what happens.

Just like having a new friendly neighbour, it has been fun to make some friends via blogging.

I thought to share something from someone else's blog. (There are so many great blogs out there!)

Grace at Chois-R-Us is in the midst of adoption, waiting for the child they have been placed with to come home to her. Awesome news but I can't imagine how agonizing the wait must be!

She also blogs about other stuff while she's in this time of waiting. Here's one of her posts that made me laugh! So HILARE. Love it. (Probably cos' I get emotionally attached to shopping/stores too... sigh... and I also like writing letters hehe...)

Friday, August 06, 2010

Kids and babies are everywhere! Hiding in all the nooks and crannies. I'm sure there are more when you are struggling to have your own. How do you cope?

(Some of my friends' kids are kinda like my nieces and nephews because my real ones are so far away! They are in the U.S. and in Canada. Sucks!)

I love hanging out with the children around me but it is not always easy. How can something be so awesome and so painful at the same time?

Last week I held a sweet three month old baby! She is a daughter of a close friend, I've seen her before and I kinda didn't think twice about it, but suddenly when she was in my arms... it was hard.

All the thoughts came rushing to me. She is a month older than Baby N would be. She is beautiful. I couldn't help but wonder about what N would've been like...

I realised later that it has been a long time since I held a little baby so that was probably why too. I wasn't prepared.

This past weekend, I also decided to attend a baby dedication of another good friend. I know I didn't have to, and I usually recommend others to do whatever's comfortable for them (and I have to admit I usually lean to the side of 'don't go if it is too difficult').

We go to the same church, so it was a tricky one. Plus I'd already missed their celebration for his first birthday so I felt like I needed to be there. To go or not to go... there's just no right or wrong answers for it, but there is pressure from within myself and fear of what others might think of me.

Oh that fear is so strong within me- what will they think if I'm not there, what kind of friend am I, what if other people notice, what if I cry, etc.

Anyway, this one I was prepared for. Maybe my motivation wasn't top-of-the-pops great, but oh well. I still cried my way through the worship stuff which is pretty typical- so I think it actually was just as hard as any other church service I go to- but I did get to witness friends commit their parenthood and child to God.

Yesterday we visited a friend and ex-colleague whose daugher is over one and a half years old. I remember her specifically because her due date was a few weeks earlier than mine would've been with Baby B, our first baby we got pregnant with but lost in 2008. It was cool to see her now- so big. She's another gorgeous kid!

Obviously there are many children around who are about one and a half, not just her, and I don't freak out every time I see one, but I think I do stare at them a little extra hard. (Sorry... not meant to be weird. Just what I do.)

There's also a baby shower coming up that I'd like to be at, but also know it will be hard. So... we'll see. I wish I could just 'not think about it' but it is easier said than done!

Sometimes I think I'm getting better at this but I really don't know. Randomly (not always...) the pain inside is so acute, it feels like a bloated balloon that is about to burst.

Anyway. I'm thankful for God's sustenance and faithfulness amidst this chaos inside. How else would I be doing this? He has provided me with friends who show me much understanding and grace.

Bit of a blabby post today huh folks... hope you are enjoying your Friday evening... thanks for sticking with me!

Thursday, August 05, 2010

It is so hard not to whine about it. I'm two and a half weeks into the injections and they are starting to grow weary. (You know it is when the needles start to hurt when they didn't really bother me that much at first...) It feels like I've had a million blood tests and I've made too many treks across the city to collect my drugs every few days. Not to mention two scans already plus one more looming over the weekend.

C'mon stubbovaries! Pop those follicles!

The nice thing is that one of the doctors doing the scan the other day (and yes, it was a 'he' and yes I've become shameless) acknowledged how patient you gotta be when you do ovulation induction. It was just a simple statement but the fact that he acknowledged that there's a lot of waiting and teenytiny progress-watching was just good to hear.

Then he sent me home and told me to wait more.

Sigh.

Waiting is another intriguing theme of the infertility drama. You wait in general, big-picture, for God's plan to unfold, you wait for answers to mind-twisting and confused questions you have for Him, somedays... you just want to wait for heaven because the loss and pain are hard to bear.

Then you also wait for the more technical things like, for the days to pass until you can try a new cycle again, then you wait for all the drugs to kick in, and you wait for the dreadfully difficult phone call after the two-week-wait. Amongst other things.

Years,
months,
weeks,
days,
hours,
minutes,
seconds.

I've never been better at counting. But what number am I counting to?

I know I'm not the only one waiting. Some are waiting to meet the right man, some are waiting for a good job, others are waiting for healing... in the meantime, how do we still live the best we can?

Hello!

This blog started as a 'friend' for those going through infertility and miscarriage- and an outlet for me too. We have since been blessed with a pregnancy that went to full-term- a son! Now, I blog about all of the above, but in random spurts. Keep wishing I was better at this, but this is where I'm at...

Group!

Together with my church, we've started a small prayer network/group for those dealing with infertility and/or pregnancy loss... The desire is that it can be a way to connect with others on a similar path, and offer an encouraging and safe place to express your joy and pain in the process. We're on the North Shore of Auckland, but we're open to connecting with others too. If you or someone you know may be interested please do let me know! (Leave a comment somewhere about it or send an email to write.sas@gmail.com)