Shiva & Mourning

The Jewish stages of mourning raises one from the abyss of despair to the normalcy of daily life.

Judaism, with its long history of dealing with the soul of man, its intimate knowledge of man's achievements and foibles, his grandeur and his weakness, has wisely devised a system of graduated mourning periods. During this time, the mourner may express his or her grief and release, with calculated regularity, the built-up tensions caused by bereavement.

The Jewish religion provides a beautifully structured approach to mourning which is divided into five stages.

1. First Stage – Aninut

This is the period between death and burial when despair is most intense. At this time, not only the social amenities, but even major positive religious requirements are canceled in recognition of the mourner's troubled mind.

2. Second Stage – Lamentation

This period consists of the first three days following burial, days devoted to weeping and lamentation. During this time, the mourner does not even respond to greetings, and remains in his home (except under certain special circumstances). It is a time when even visiting the mourner is usually somewhat discouraged, for it is too early to comfort the mourners when the wound is so fresh. During this time, the mourner remains within the house, expressing his grief through the observances of wearing of a torn garment, sitting on the low stool, wearing of slippers, refraining from shaving and grooming, and recital of the Kaddish (see below).

3. Third Stage – Shivah

This stage covers the seven days following burial and includes the three-day period of lamentation. During this time, the mourner emerges from the stage of intense grief to a new state of mind in which he is prepared to talk about his loss and to accept comfort from friends and neighbors.

The world now enlarges for the mourner. He continues the observances outlined in the second stage above, but he is able to interact with acquaintances who come to his home to express sympathy in his distress.

A sacred obligation devolves upon every Jew to comfort the mourners.

A sacred obligation devolves upon every Jew – no matter his relationship to the deceased or to those mourning – to comfort the survivors – these being father, mother, wife (or husband), son, daughter, (married or unmarried), brother, and sister (or half-brother and half-sister) of the deceased.

In Judaism, exercising compassion by paying a condolence call is a mitzvah, considered by some of our greatest scholars to be biblically ordained. It is a person's duty to imitate God: as God comforts the bereaved, so man must do likewise.

The fundamental purpose of the condolence call during shivah is to relieve the mourner of the intolerable burden of intense loneliness. At no other time is a human being more in need of such comradeship.

The inner freezing that came with the death of his relative now begins to thaw. The isolation from the world of people and the retreat inward now relaxes somewhat, and normalcy begins to return.

4. Fourth Stage – Shloshim

This period consists of the 30 days (counting the seven days of shivah) following burial. The mourner is encouraged to leave the house after shivah and to slowly rejoin society, always recognizing that enough time has not yet elapsed to assume full, normal social relations.

Shaving and haircutting for mourners is still generally prohibited, as is cutting the nails, and washing the body all at once for delight (as opposed to washing for cleanliness which is required).

5. Fifth Stage – Year of Mourning

The fifth stage is the twelve-month period (counted from the day of burial) during which things return to normal, and business once again becomes routine, but the inner feelings of the mourner are still wounded by the rupture of relationship with the loved one.

The observance that most affects the daily life of the mourner during the twelve-month period is the complete abstention from parties and festivities, both public and private. Participation in these gatherings is simply not consonant with the depression and contrition that the mourner experiences.

It is absurd for the mourner to dance gleefully while his parent lies in a fresh grave.

It borders on the absurd for the mourner to dance gleefully while his parent lies dead in a fresh grave.

Thus, the Sages decreed that, while complete physical withdrawal from normal activities of society lasts only one week, withdrawal from joyous, social occasions lasts thirty days in mourning for other relatives, and one year in mourning for one's parents. Joy, in terms of the mourning tradition, is associated largely with public, social events rather than with personal satisfactions.

At the close of this last stage, the bereaved is not expected to continue his mourning, except for brief moments when yizkor or yahrzeit (see below) is observed. In fact, Jewish tradition rebukes a man for mourning more than this prescribed period.

Saying Kaddish

The Kaddish is recited at every prayer service, morning and evening, Shabbat and holiday, on days of fasting and rejoicing.

The period that the mourner recites the Kaddish for parents is, theoretically, a full calendar year. The deceased is considered to be under Divine judgment for that period. Some communities, therefore, adhere to the custom that Kaddish be recited for 12 months in all cases.

However, because the full year is considered to be the duration of judgment for the wicked, and we presume that our parents do not fall into that category, the practice in most communities is to recite the Kaddish for only 11 months.

The Kaddish is to be recited only in the presence of a duly constituted quorum, a minyan, which consists of ten males above the age of Bar Mitzvah. If there are only nine adults and one minor present, it is still not considered a quorum for a minyan.

Yizkor and Yahrzeit

Yizkor is a ceremony recalling all the deceased during a communal synagogue service. Yahrzeit is a personal memorial anniversary; it may be observed for any relative or friend, but it is meant primarily for parents.

The Yizkor service was instituted so that the Jew may pay homage to his forebears and recall the good life and traditional goals. This service is founded on a vital principle of Jewish life, one that motivates and animates the Kaddish recitation.

It is based on the firm belief that the living, by acts of piety and goodness, can redeem the dead. The son can bring honor to the father. The "merit of the children" can reflect the value of the parents.

This merit is achieved, primarily, by living on a high ethical and moral plane, by being responsive to the demands of God and sensitive to the needs of one's fellow man. The formal expression of this merit is accomplished by prayer to God and by contributions to charity.

Yahrzeit is a special day of observances to commemorate the anniversary of the death of parents. Though the word is of German origin, the custom is outlined in the Talmud.

This religious commemoration is recorded not as a fiat, but as a description of an instinctive sentiment of sadness, an annual rehearsing of tragedy, which impels one to avoid eating meat and drinking wine – symbols of festivity and joy, the very stuff of life.

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About the Author

Rabbi Maurice Lamm is the author of "The Jewish Way of Death and Mourning," "The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage", "Becoming A Jew" and many other books. A professor at Yeshiva University’s Rabbinical Seminary, he lectures nationally to Jewish and Christian audiences.

Visitor Comments: 16

(14)
Lorie Baxis,
February 9, 2013 11:08 PM

Life after death...

This was so helpful to explain our Jewish customs of mourning since I had not experinced this till the unexpected loss of my mother. Life will never be the same but yet becomes more precious. Makes you really see what is important and where your priorities should be.

(13)
Michael,
November 18, 2012 5:25 PM

Meals during Shivah

Whenever my partner and I signed up for a meal during the Shivah period we always made it a point to actually prepare the meal ourselves. Many times, due to busy schedules, people are turning to having a meal delivered by restaurants and deli's. We think the personal touch is more comforting to the bereaved family. Also, we serve the food, clean up afterwards, and do some house-cleaning before leaving. It's seems to offer a greater level of support. Just a suggestion from us to others to try next time.

(12)
Leslie Springs,
August 5, 2012 3:54 PM

The mourning process

I have lost my 6 year old daughter, and just recently, my father. In both cases it seems that people think once the funeral is over, that it's time to "move on" Yet, in both cases, but especially with my daughter, I found that after the funeral when everyone had gone and all the condolences stopped, the loneliness and reality of a life without them was unbearable. People stopped calling and sending cards, almost as if my daughter had never existed. It was, in the months following her funeral that I NEEDED to talk about her, I needed the world to know that she did live, she was here, and that I missed her terribly. The same is with my father. It's only been 2 months since his death and I still feel "empty" but nobody even remembers that my father died and are wondering what is wrong with me! The world could stand to learn a lot from our Jewish brothers and sisters...a lot about the dating and marriage process and the mourning process. Life is precious and when it's gone, it hurts...and it hurts for more than just a week.

Sheri H,
September 14, 2014 2:39 PM

I understand

Leslie, I know how you are feeling. I lost my father in October of 2012 and then my uncle a month later. Then I lost my grandfather a year later. People do the same thing in Christian society also. They forget about the person. My mother is still in deep mourning, and so is my sister and nephews and niece. I have never mourned him, not because I didn't love him, but because I cannot cry or mourn. You have my deepest condolences for your child and your father. I know time does not heal all wounds. You will always hurt.

(11)
Anonymous,
July 12, 2012 9:40 PM

This helped so much

I recently lost my husband. His death was very sudden and unexpected. I am Christian and it seems that after the funeral and gathering, there is nothing to set apart the grieving time. I talked to a former client of mine whose husband is a Rabbi and asked her how the Jewish culture mourns. She gave me the link to this article and I began following it. It just felt right to set myself aside to grieve. Our culture has a very short attention span and expects people to "get on with their life" and I know I for one, felt like I wasn't able to live up to those expectations. The information and guidance of how to mourn has really helped me. Thank you so much.

Arnie Singer,
September 3, 2012 9:01 PM

Until you've experienced it

As a rabbi I was familiar with the laws and customs related to mourning, but it wasn't until my mother passed away that I truly understood what it means to mourn. People that haven't experienced the death of a loved one can't really ever fully get it. I wrote about my experiences in a book called "Goodbye,Mom: A Memoir of Prayer, Jewish Mourning and Healing." My thoughts are with you.

(10)
bob spiegel,
March 29, 2012 6:18 PM

useful and comforting

i am mourning the loss of my first cousin skip elman thank you for the article very comforting bob spiegel

(9)
Anonymous,
December 26, 2010 4:05 AM

My dad died on Rosh Chodesh Marcheshvan. I miss him very much. It would be helpful to me to find out what other people experience and how they cope.

(8)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2009 7:47 PM

A wonderful approach to mourning

This is certainly an extremely life-affirming practice not just for the deceased but for the survivor. I am a Catholic and recently buried my dear sweet mother. Due to inclement weather conditions (snow, ice) her funeral was a very rushed affair - the traditional gathering afterwards was truncated also due to weather. I feel very cheated of not having the comfort of talking about her, and having others share their memories of her. I feel very blessed that a Rabbi and his wife, who were my mother's neighbors, paid a visit to me and spent the afternoon just wanting to talk about my mom and hear about her childhood. It was very cathartic for me and made me feel so much better in handling my grief (or suppression thereof). My mom had spent part of her childhood in a small Polish village during the 1920s which had a large Orthodox Jewish population, and she, too, had told me about the mourning practices observed by her Jewish friends. Just writing these comments has had a healing effect for me.

(7)
LILLIE YOUNG,
May 1, 2007 9:14 AM

My friend's Aunt died on April 17, 2007. I am a Catholic (nominal)who knows little about the Jewish way of mourning and who wishes to extend to my beloved friend a way to express my compassion for her pain, sorrow, and suffering. However, I knew not how or when until I read your article that provides guidance for how best to proceed.

My friend is a righteous Jew who is a wonderful music teacher and leader and who displays honesty, courage, compassion,discipline,hardwork, and leadership in everything she says and does.

(6)
Anonymous,
May 12, 2006 12:00 AM

Great info and will recommend it

Thanks for the info i needed it and you outlined every thing i needed to know THANKS!

(5)
Anonymous,
May 1, 2003 12:00 AM

So much insightful, understandable information.

Thank you so much for addresssing the cultural, theological and sociological issues.

(4)
Anonymous,
April 29, 2003 12:00 AM

Great Site i got lots of information. Thanks

I loved it truly enjoyable five stars

(3)
Amy Swarth,
June 10, 2002 12:00 AM

1 year anniversary of my Mother's death

Thank you so much for making the distinction for me between Yahzeit and Yiskor. My mother died July 1, 2001. I am told that Yiskor is to be said for her June 20, 2002. However, when I use a Jewish calendar calculation, it comes out differently each time. Nevertheless I will recite Kaddish for my Mother on June 20, July 1.....and miss her forever.

(2)
C Berkes,
July 31, 2001 12:00 AM

Thank you so much!

My father was not a practicing Jew, requested a Christian burial and tradition, but as homage to our ancestry, I thought I'd like to light the Yahrzeit candle for him... But I had no idea WHAT it was called!! Thanks so much for clearing this up for me :)

(1)
Steven Burck,
July 7, 2001 12:00 AM

Clarification

It is left till the third paragraph of the fifth stage which mentions that this stage is for parents only, not the other 6 relations which you would mourn for. There is no year of mourning after the 30 for spouse, sibling or child.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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