I ended my work day by being reminded that today was the 11th, after a fatigue-based brain fart. That gave rise to the inevitable concern from Lead Teacher, about the onset of dementia. Umm, no. I was tired, exhausted. I know tomorrow is January 12th.

Now, on to the reference in this post’s title. On the podcast, this morning, one of my mentors was accenting an aversion to success, using ice cream as an analogy. If one were to go up to a counter, see a flavour of ice cream that appealed, and was asked what would be your preference, and then dithered, thinking about whether one deserved ice cream at all, even while knowing that thousands of other people enjoy ice cream, each day, what would that feel like?

I have long dithered about enjoying life. I have long felt that I did not deserve success, even having a hard time accepting, initially, that Penny found me attractive. I have come to the conclusion that it was my autism talking.

The fact is, she DID find me attractive. I was not the dregs with which she had to make do. So, we had our ups and downs, for 29 years, but they were years of love. I have been amazed at finding myself in places like Neah Bay, downtown Portland, San Francisco’s Russian Hill and Fisherman’s Wharf, Paris, Versailles, Utah Beach, the Dom Sector of Frankfurt, Iolani Palace, Bruges and Sitka’s Mt. Verstovia. I really DID walk the length of Prescott Circle Trail and Black Canyon National Recreation Trail, albeit in sections. I am amazed, also, by the beautiful lady who now calls me friend.

So, all those bowls of ice cream later, I am looking at a huge sundae, and preparing to nibble a spoonful at a time. I have spoken of giant steps being on my horizon. I still need to convince myself that I am not the family’s hood ornament, or an appendage to the two-woman team in the classroom where I work. It’s these very giant steps that will do this, for me. The mentor cautioned us to not falter. I won’t, having come all this way.

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It is a great mystery that though the human heart longs for Truth, in which alone it finds liberation and delight, the first reaction of human beings to Truth is one of hostility and fear! -Anthony de Mello