I never told you did I? I didn’t even tell myself. It took a while you know to come to terms with all that happened and even now, thinking about it and actually daring to share it seems like a betrayal somehow – but I know that I have to speak and the time to do it is now. How could I allow myself to doubt that it happened? How could I think that making the link between then and now was totally unconnected when the very fibre of my being shouted, screamed, the pain was real, and not a figment of my imagination, but a nightmare stealing surreptitiously into my dreams, locking every door, tossing the master key into a river, rolling relentlessly into a sea of despair.

I’m not ashamed you know. I do not blame myself. I don’t expect you to understand. You didn’t understand then, so why would you understand, years later, when the passing of time has minimised it, diminished it, so that the ogre that it was, looming large, fearfully fierce, is reduced to nothing more than ashes in a dusty corner of your memory. Ashes which you refuse to sweep away. To acknowledge them would suggest you played a part so they lay largely undisturbed, the specks becoming spectators at their own show.

So here I stand, and I know it’s inconvenient for you. Why couldn’t I have chosen a better time? Well I’m afraid that with the passing of time, I grew. I choose this time and it belongs to me. I claim and reclaim all that was lost. I’m telling you now that it happened.

That master key tossed so carelessly on to the ocean bed glints gleefully in the sunlight, sparkling on the shore, assures me that my memory serves me well.

~Marie Williams – 2017

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32 thoughts on “It Happened”

Did you ever see the film Magnolia, Marie? This post reminds me of it. If you ever watch it, you’ll know why. Finally, the girl says, “But it did happen.” Separately, priorly and unbeknownst to the girl, her father acknowledges it, too, both to himself and to his wife. HX

Interesting, Hariod – have put Magnolia on my ‘to watch’ list. Marie, as always, you’ve written so personally & wonderfully that we all can relate – I’m thinking of how time hopefully makes me a bit wiser, see more clearly …

A powerful statement. You’ve captured the elusive quality of abuse — real, but so foreign and frightening to a child that the experience cannot be fully processed. It lingers in the mind, painful and unresolved.

Yet victims do not remain children forever. With amazing courage and strength, many overcome the darkness which might have consumed them. Clearly, you have. With this poem, you’ve reclaimed the time frame for and the right to speak out about your life.

Ps. 129, verse 2 reads: “They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, But they have not gained victory over me.” I think the line was written for you. Disney in Mulan put it this way, “The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.”

This is such a beautiful response, Anna. Thank you so much. And coming from another ‘flower that blooms in adversity’, this is a wonderfully, encouraging comment for all those, yourself included, who refuse to be defeated by abuse.
Much love to you too dear friend. ❤

I remember keeping secrets. All of my early life was a lie. I told falsehoods to make it appear as though my family was normal. Now I wonder if there’s any such thing – but back then, normal was relative. Anything positive my father offered me – and there was so very much (my love of music, of art, of learning and animals, of nature) – was subsumed in a terror that has never completely healed. I don’t think it does, quite – yet those inner scars have resulted in who I am today, which I am oddly grateful for. There is just about nothing that can scare me now, including and most importantly The Truth. It truly does set us free.

Sending you love and grace, dear Marie. When I say I feel for you, you can be sure I do. ❤

Dear Bela, your honesty and bravery is truly touching in sharing your own story here. Thank you so much for being so open about your own experience: that terror is never completely healed and it sadly forms another layer on to the struggles and challenges of life. But as you so courageously say: there is just about nothing that can scare you now – I’m sure this resonates with many victors of abuse – one of which you most certainly are!
Thank you for your compassion, honesty and courage. ❤

Thank You, Marie, for your own courage in ‘outing’ yourself in this way. It’s been a progressive thing for me since my 30’s. My 20’s were a blur and I didn’t think too much about it – just trying to survive growing up with the knowledge that some people just aren’t right in the head.

After years of counseling people, I discovered abuse was more the norm than not, for both female as well as males. Horrible stories I was able to hear because of my own experiences.

Many blessings to you, dear one. All experience informs life in that if we are able to live with eyes open, we are able to see the beauty as well – in a way that others might miss. Which in itself is a gift. ❤

I was captured the whole way through but when I read “…the specks becoming spectators at their own show” I was knocked over. What an image!

You know, I’ve often wondered what people who have committed vile acts against others think about their behaviors—all the while knowing that they have wreaked so much havoc in so many lives. What DO they do with all of those thoughts and memories. Do they simply ignore those specks and forget the whole thing?

Ah..but not so fast Grasshopper, M’Lady remembers and it is her story to tell.
May God’s light always surround you my friend as you delve into the deep.

Aww Lady G, I can always rely on you to make me laugh even when talking about the not so nice things of life …’…Grasshopper …! 🙂 🙂 Don’t ask me why I find that term so amusing – we’ll be here all day!!
Thanks so much for your fierce support M’Lady. I, like you do wonder about your thoughts on abusers – but I’ve never been able to understand how they are wired, try as I might. It’s one of those unsolved mysteries …a bit like the Bermuda Triangle – ah now I’m waffling …
Thank you for the blessing and for your compassion – you’ll never know how much that means to me. ❤

Wow, Marie. Your poetic form flows into your writing. I think you painted the image of the key as choices in your life. Sometimes it feels like people lock you out or hold the keys. However, you know who does and nothing is beyond God’s reach.

The Time is right for you now,, And that is all that matters.. Shadows kept hidden hold us prisoner.. The Key you have unlocked the door, and cast it away with abandonment.. Which allows us to begin to heal.. From the pain we have kept hidden..
I know as you go deeper within, more hidden corridors will surface.. But remember you always have the key to release them..

Actually daring to share it seems like a betrayal somehow – Yes when the abuse is given wings of words it is out isn’t it. Somehow those little secrets have come to light and not matter how scared and scary it was for you to utter those words the prison sentence have been somewhat lifted and although lightness is there it is not the lightness that comes with a lot of work surrounding abuse. That I am speaking for myself and that lightness that I am speaking of is the moment one forgives the abuser.

Wow, Marie! I’m so glad you told me about this post! So beautiful, poetic, and elegant, the pain of memory, the memory of pain. And yes, just acknowledging it openly like this, don’t you find – diminishes its power, its stranglehold on us!! OH, and I see the date, which means you brought this out even before the huge cascade of accusations in Hollywood, media, etc. – which I think just started in October. So good for you – I’m smiling at your courage, your audacity! ❤

Thank you Ellie P for reading and your lovely comments. Yes I found that writing about it does diminish it’s power and stranglehold on us. And yes too, I wrote this a while ago and have written some similar prose poetry on the same theme in other posts.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words – you are very kind. I cannot believe that I have not read more of your blog posts – ’til today!❤

Marie, let’s face it, there are only so many hours in a day – and we (hopefully!) spend a third of them sleeping, so that doesn’t leave much for *everything* else we gotta do! Let’s be kind to ourselves… whatever we can manage to do, read, clean, wash, sew, find, write, see, etc. etc. is one more than nothing! 😀 ❤ ❤