October 24, 2009

pausing

Becoming a consultant has changed my life in a number of different ways. Such as my schedule. I have the option of a lot of flexibility.

For me, there also appears to be a pervasive sense that I need to be doing something to further my consulting every moment. I don't know if everyone in this line of work suffers from this. I don't find it particularly helpful. It can create an ever-present undercurrent of anxiety.

It reminds me that I used to have that feeling - the one that I 'should be' doing something else - all the time, years ago, when my boys were little. I couldn't relax, couldn't do anything just for me without feeling a sense of guilt. Somehow, in the flurry of university and working, and then marriage and working, and then babies and working, I had forgotten how to just be, how to relax, and even how to have fun.

I realized at some point how unhealthy this was for me. In the midst of some other life-changing events at that time, I taught myself how to relax and be in the moment.

With my consulting practice, it appears that I must learn again. I have noticed this about myself. It seems that I am meant to learn the same lessons over again in a slightly different way.

A friend of mine refers to taking a break as 'pause' in his model of leadership. Pausing is critical to health, to creativity, to renewed passion for one's work.

If you can't choose to not do something, then you can't really choose to do something. I want to always have my work be a choice.