About Me

Kathryn Hall Cape

Lincolnton

I think it's important for you to understand I'm just a simple woman who happened to have been given an extraordinary task!! So I'll begin introducing my family to you....starting, of course, with ME. ................. I've been happily married to the same man since December 23, 1975. My husband, Jim, and I had three daughters who grew up and gave us nine (yes, NINE) grandchildren.....five girls and four boys......who you'll get to know later.....if you decide you want to, that is.... ummmmmmm.......I came from a large family....four sisters and five brothers....I'd have to stop and do some serious counting to tell you how many nieces and nephews I have!!!! ......I love my God above all and my family next!! I appreciate more than ever the wonderful friends I've met along life's way.. FINALLY.......all I really want out of life now is to find God's perfect will for me and JUST DO IT!! I never planned to be a Mom again....this is just the way it turned out........My daughter needed help, seeing she had two older children and Jimma was truly a 24/7 baby.... Iam now trying desperately to find God's perfect will in my life....my life MUST count for HIM!!.....sooo. I stumble along...trying to find where it is my feet will take me now............. ok...enough for now, I think.......

Posted by Kathryn Hall Cape on Monday, September 20, 2010 Under: tackling grief ￼This
is the day I've been dreading!!! .....a year has passed since my Jimma
went Home.... Time has taken on a different meaning for me in this last
year... It's like forever .........

I've
been almost sick at the thought of a year marking Jimma's passing....it
has felt almost like a betrayal....like I was walking away from
her....somehow.... I can't really explain it right now...I don't have
enough understanding at this point. But I had made a promise to
myself....and declared it here..on this site..to my
friends..strangers..anyone who cared to listen!!! I vowed to face that
hugh mountain called 'grief' and do my best to climb it.

Soooo,
today I'm striking out. ..I'm ready to put one foot forward and TRY to
take the big step...the one they say is the hardest.....That first step
UP....I'm so tired of dreading it...I've GOT to tackle the slippery
slope that lies just ahead....in my stumbling, clumsy, bumbling way...
So, here goes.........

September 19, 2009 was the culmination of
very hard two weeks. Jimma's sister came home from school..so very sick.
The dr. said it was a virus...her temp was very high.. I did just what I
always did...separated them...changed my clothing when I left Tori's
room to care for Jimma....used all the sanitation forms I'd always used
.. and consulted her doctors .. praying all the while. Something that
was strange to me was the fact that a type of fear had come to me when I
first learned of the swine flu. I'd wasn't acquainted with it and after
that initial year I didn't fear whatever came...any time there was an
outbreak or even when Jimma contracted RSV (which is very deadly for
those with comprimised immune systems).....I wasn't so much
afraid.....just very prayerful and driven ...yes, very driven....to
watch over my little angel....to guard her....protect and nuture her. I
didn't know...neither did the dr. at the time...that H1N1 didn't show up
at first...only after it had really set in would it show in the
tests....and the flu itself isn't the killer... It's takes so much out
of the body..depleting the immune system...then, if there's a secondary
infection...the body doesn't have what it needs to fight.... I learned
this only through the experience....after it was too late.....

Sooo,
Tori was getting better...and Jimma started showing
symptoms.....meanwhile, I got VERy sick...as did my husband...We took
turns taking care of Jimma...our daughter came over to help....and Jimma
seemed to get better. On that Wednesday, I gave her a bath....and we
sat up .. rocked .. cuddled .. and talked. We talked (meaning she
listened intently, giving her input with facial expressions and body
language, for the most part. While her big beautiful blue eyes stayed
glued to my face, I found myself telling her more about her loving aunt
that had recently gone on (whom she missed so much .. so I didn't talk
about her a lot to keep her from being so sad) ...her great-grandmother
(she got to know her because my husband's Mom came to live with us the
last eight months of her life) and I talked to her about Heaven!!..going
into more detail than ever before......I didn't understand why, at the
time, I felt so strongly to remind this angel of the plan of
salvation... I remember she nodded her little head as she buried herself
deeper into my bosom...as I spoke to her of being able to run and play
and praise God when she got to her Home in Heaven.

Then there
was a quiet spell.....an interim of time in which my mind went to a
place I quickly pushed away...It was almost like I fell into a trance of
sorts.....and.....holding my baby close to my breast ..I nearly shouted
"NO" ......out loud. As I came to myself I realized that my mind had
gone to sorting through her toys (they were always placed on their
shelves in the living room...where her hospital bed was. She slept
beside me all of her life, but the bed was good for the daytime...for
playing...and for therapy.....) I'm sorry....it's just so hard to say
the words....you see, my mind was thinking 'which toy would be suitable
to give which of the other children....which one would mean the most,
individually, which would be most appreciated by which
child????...because each of the other children had special play time
with their Jimma.....each had such a special, unique relationship with
their special girl!!!! I was both shocked and dumb-founded when I
realized what was happening....so I held tightly to my baby...breathing
deeply of her scent....memorizing, once again, the feel of her, the
texture of her hair...looking at her fingers wrapped around my hand
until my eyes hurt.......and I said "NO!!!!"
...noooooo......noooooo.......... This was Wednesday, September 16,
2009.....and she was so much better....wasn't she? I don't understand
why prayer didn't come as it had so many times before.....all I could do
was whisper nooooooo and hold her close....

I suppose I should
tell you, now, that when she was first born, the Lord spoke to my
heart...."Seven is perfection" ..... Strange????? ... but, true. I even
told several people. I didn't understand it ... she was our seventh
grandchild...did this mean that our family was complete? So I did what I
learned in my youth...I hid this in my heart and pondered upon
it....and through the years...on occassion......I would hear....in that
still, small voice, so loving and gentle..."Remember, seven is
perfection"...... When her specialists would give her prognosis, I'd
push it aside. I really did understand what they were telling me
(although they worried that I didn't)----but I COULD NOT let myself 'go
there' !>>> my job was to fight for her life...not plan for her
death.....

Thursday was not very eventful....we did what we
always did when she was recovering.....lots of lovin'....lots of
cuddling.....lots of rocking.... She was still able to take her food
(which later amazed the doctors)....but before dawn was breaking on
Friday morning we knew we had to take her to the hospital...she didn't
have a fever, but something was just not right....