I bet there are at least a dozen people vomiting right now, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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I mean, it’s unfortunate that they are vomiting, but there is now therefore no condemnation for those who vomit.

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“Get sick” and “be ill” are spineless cowards who weep on their mothers’ aprons. I have no use for them, and neither should you.

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No one has ever been as honest with me as Vomit. When it said, “You should really break up with that asshole,” I vomited in your car and didn’t apologize. When it said, “You’ve put on some weight over the past year; do you really think you need that chicken alfredo?” I vomited in the toilet and sprayed lavender-scented disinfectant. When it said,“I think your struggles with weight and being single have led to some self-esteem problems that have caused you to become bulimic,” I said, “What the fuck man, you told me to do all that shit.” Vomit replied, “Hey, nobody’s perfect. And now your ass looks fantastic.”

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Besides, my mother told me never to marry a man ashamed of his own vomit. Therefore, we are over.