10 Better Names For Barbara Walters’ ’10 Most Fascinating People Of 2012′ List

Barbara Waltershas released part of her “ten most fascinating people of 2012″ list, and, like every year, it has me wondering if Barbara Walters actually knows what “fascinating” means. I mean, the boys of One Direction are some smokin’ little twinks and all, but I don’t know if anyone over the age of 13 finds them “fascinating.” And you already know how I feel about the inclusion of people like Paris Hilton and the Kardashian sisters. You know who is fascinating? Hitler. Walter White. The real Tom Cruise. Toni Morrison. Jon Hamm‘s penis. You know you’re in trouble when one of the more fascinating people on your fascinating people list is actor Ben Affleck (sorry, Ben Affleck).

To that end, I’ve compiled a list of better and more descriptive names for Barbara’s “most fascinating people” list. Here they are.

1. The Ten People Who Have Fascinated The Most People In The World, Numbers-wise, Including Foolish Children And Dudes Surfing For Porn, Of 2012

2. The Ten Twitter Trending Topics Of 2012

3. The Ten People Who’ve Taken Up Too Much Media Space Already In 2012

4. The Ten Best Connected Publicists Of 2012

5. The Ten Signs Of The Apocalypse Waiting For Us At The End Of 2012

6. The Top Ten Reasons You Didn’t Read Any Books In 2012

7. The Ten Inexplicable Bestsellers Of 2012

8. The Ten Most Socially Acceptable Pornos Of 2012

9. The Ten Edgy But Not Too Edgy Comedy Writers Of 2012

10. The Ten Politicians Who’ve Been Around Forever Of 2012

Okay, so those last ones might have gotten a little specific, but you get the idea. And just for reference, the names that have been released this far are:

Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James

Actor Ben Affleck

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie

Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas [I find her a delight and an inspiration, but questions about her motivations do not keep me up at night.]