My parents divorced when I was young, and I chose to stay with my mother because my father wasn’t responsible. Mom and I moved in with my grandparents which were supposed to be a temporary thing, and it ended up lasting 17 years.

As soon as we moved in with them, I felt Mom became my older, bratty sister and my grandparents were mom and dad. My mom had done everything I think a mother should do when it came to caring for me when I was sick, getting me to appointments and such, making sure there was food on the table, and I had clothes to wear, and I had everything I needed. What I can’t understand is her attitude. She is so negative about everything.

She has always made me feel like I’m not allowed to live or grow up. It has gotten the worst for me in the last few months. I will be 30 years old this year; I live in a house with my uncle (who is great to live with, minds his business), my boyfriend of 4 years and Mom.

Lately, Mom has been tearing all of us apart, talking about each of us to each other behind closed doors. She says nobody does anything like housework and the reality is that I do it all and I also work 65 hours a week between 2 jobs. I clean up after all of us, and she makes the most mess. I find I yell at her as if I’m the mom and she’s the teenager. She sits in her room all night, talking to people online.

I’m not on good terms with any other family member, I’ve cut them out of my life. She still talks to them. My cousin had a baby and mom went out of her way to make baby clothes and be all nice about things. When she said we were invited to the baby shower and I said no, she said, “I work until 4:30 on Saturdays, I don’t think I could make it.”

A few weeks ago, I asked her to come to my birthday dinner and she said: “I don’t have time for that.” She would rather give her time to family members who don’t even care about her. That hurt my feelings to think that my cousin who couldn’t care less about my mom is more important to my mom than I am.

I told my boyfriend, and I was upset. I cried. A week after she said this to me, I confronted her and told her that I was no longer interested in even trying to be friends with her and that my boyfriend’s mother liked me and I will go bond with her. My mom cried and apologized. She said she would come to my birthday dinner.

After thinking things through, I do not want her to come anymore. I am at the point where I do not want to be friends with her. I hate it because I’m entering a time of my life where I’m thinking about having children and I would like this to be an opportunity to bond with my mother. I have avoided her for a few days now, and when she speaks to me, I can tell she knows she is on thin ice.

She always plays the victim when it is her that is at fault. I’m torn because my father walked away from me and now I feel like my mother is doing the same. I know I am done being hurt and insulted by her and my just want to let the relationship die between us because I give up. I don’t know any other way to approach her or the situation.

Any ideas why a mother would act this way? What should I say or do to get through to her? Should I walk away from this relationship?

Hi Sally, I don’t have much advice except maybe your mom is jealous or just doing this for attention. I’ve experienced similar things from my own mother.

Although it’s easier said than done, just hold firm boundaries with her. Don’t let her walk all over you. It sounds like you’re already starting to do this, but then sometimes feel bad and crack under the pressure.

Sally, sometimes Mom’s aren’t really equipped to be Mom’s. Everyone wants the Leave it to Beaver upbringing but don’t always get it.

This is YOUR life and not hers. Sometimes staying in the dysfunction cripples you. So, if you can, it might be better for your health (mentally, physically and spiritually) to relocate yourself (without guilt) and begin to set yourself free and grow into the beautiful person that exists inside and is begging to evolve.

Hmmm. I want to give good vibes for you… my momma died at the age of 56, before I had any children. The last thing I told her was see you soon. She lived in PA and I had moved to TX.

My husband and I were to go back to pick her up and bring her to TX (with the possibility of her dying or getting better treatment here) 3 months after the last visit.

I still remember saying “see you soon”. My siblings didn’t notify me when she went unconscious so I wasn’t there during her final breath. I strongly believe that we need to love our parents for as long as we have them. I lost Dad last April.

Now flip side of the coin. Your health…perhaps living with her is WAY too much mom time. You must protect your mental health which will break down your physical health.

I can’t tell what type of person your mother has morphed into, but if you are feeling uncomfortable and stressed you need to change your environment. That doesn’t mean cutting her off or not living with her anymore.

Get a little bit of distance between you two so you don’t feel like she makes you sick.

I know you mean well. I’m sorry for your loss. But please understand there are mothers who abuse their children, their grandchildren and allow their child to be sexually abused.

If an adult stays in that relationship out of obligation, it is no different than a woman staying in an abusive marriage.

Sometimes, and at the advice of doctors and psychologists the only way a person can be happy and whole and live a good life for herself and her children is to go no contact. Think of the moms that pimp out their own daughters for drug money or to please their man. Should that adult child have a relationship with their mom?

The abusive cycle continues generation after generation until a brave person breaks the cycle for her children. That is a good mom!

I wish I had you as a son. Without going on and I on, my husband walked away from me and my three older sons with no explanation to them or me. Then it emerged he left us for his secretary and two daughters.

You would have thought she would have known what it was like after her husband had done it to her. All this is 27 years ago and I brought them up. One by one they have gone. I am absolutely heartbroken.

The older one somehow got counselling and no one knows what he went through. I have tried to tell him l love him, but he does not want to know. He would prefer to turn his brothers against me now and I do not see my grandchildren.

I brought them up. I did everything for them, always putting them first, a real stay at home mom. You would think I was a prostitute, alcoholic or murderess.

I have heard that he lives in a caravan now with her. She is an alcoholic and has one leg because she is diabetic. He is seriously ill and he paid for her daughter to have breast surgery and a $13,000 wedding. But how it hurts that my sons do not want me.

The pimping reference was not about that scenario but about the kinds of moms out there. You suggested she protect her mental and physical health, but also stated she should have contact.

Sometimes the only way to get healthy is total disengagement from the drama. If the mom won’t get healthy why should the adult child sacrifice their wellbeing? If the mom wants a relationship she has to get healthy and address her issues and demons. It’s a 2 way street.

A good mother would do anything that is of benefit for her child, therapy, family counseling, etc. If she refuses, the adult child has to walk, get healthy and not have it impact her kids. “We repeat what we don’t repair“.

Family loyalty does not mean staying in dysfunction. She should get professional advice.