How?

I truly would prefer to be dead than alive. I have felt this way for years and years. I have seen many shrinks and counselors. There is nothing wrong with my life. Many people would kill to have my life. But I hate every minute of it. My brain is stuck in a perfect storm of depression, anxiety, and despair. The older I get, the worse it gets. I am 57.

Over and over and over, I have kept on keeping on. But it is always the same. Literally for years. Not only does life have not joy, but it seems so meaningless, not just for me, but everyone. I can't for the life of me figure out why EVERYONE doesn't step off. .. . kill themselves.

I KNOW it is not about what is or is not happening in my life. . .it is about my brain chemistry. But I have tried so many drugs. They used to help some. Now they make matters worse.

I always thought when things got bad enough, I would be able to step off. Like the people in the towers on 9-11. .. that jumped out the windows. They knew they would die, but it seemed better than the fire that was closing in on them. That is what I feel .. . like the flames are right on me now.

So now I start thinking deeply and seriously about stepping off.. damn what a can of worms this creates. First I think about the pain I will cause to my friends and family. There is no way anyone who has not been SEVERELY depressed . .. FOR YEARS.....can understand suicide. I have written letters to them in my mind ....

And my husband. He is such a decent person. What a crappy thing to do to him. Leave him to take care of the critters, house and gardens by himself. He doesn't deserve to live alone. But how at our age is he supposed to hook up with someone else?

I think I should probably go to a motel room so he doesn't have to deal with a dead body.

Mostly though, I fear what may happen once one passes through when they have committed suicide. I stopped getting all the usual medical tests years ago in the hopes I would develop cancer and not have to take matters into my own hands. It is taking too long.

I saw a movie years ago .. . what dreams may come? The one with Robin Williams. His wife kills herself and her spirit gets stuck in a really awful place. I keep worrying that may be "reality".

I thought I might perhaps avoid this if when I pass through, my mind is filled with peace.. . with thoughts of love.

But every time I think "is today the day?" . . I am filled with such fear .. terror. I don't think all the booze and tranquilizers in the world can help me do this in peace.

Is is so stupid that I am posting here. What I am looking for is counsel on how to get past the not wanting to hurt the survivors and the fear of repercussions on the other side.

I am wanting someone to help me leave, not help me to stay. I seek courage and assurance that death will be ok. But how can anyone do that?

I think, perhaps subconsciously, that's not exactly what you want or you wouldn't have ended up here. I'm not the best person to give you advice because everything you just said is what runs through my mind except I don't have anyone to worry about. Maybe we're even more alike in that, no matter how small it is, you still have some hope that things will get better. I hope you keep holding on. I hope you find something that helps. I know this isn't what you want to hear right now but it's all I have to offer. I have to try and believe there's something out there that could help both of us.

I am so sorry you feel so badly. PLEASE KNOW WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!! I am praying for you and hope you do too. It can get better. You have to try more than just a physical approach. Bidy ,mind and soul. Get help in all areas. Depression isnt always just physical. PLEASE STAY. We want and need you to be apart of our lives. We want to get to know you and hear all about your problems so we can help. PLEASE STAY I BEG YOU. We will ofer love and hope and caring. Stay with us.PLEASE

Have you looked for spiritual enlightenment? I know that no matter what we have physically if we are spiritually dead it will never matter. I have been there. But you always have a choice to become spiritually alive. Death is never the answer. Depression is just alien thoughts that tear you down. Show them who is boss and don't listen to them. You are needed and loved in this life. Please reconsider. Blessings..

Hi Debra. I agree with Nicole. I think that you need a spiritual component to your life. You're 57 and have accomplished pretty much everything that you've wanted to accomplish out of life. You got married, had children, watched them grow and move on with their lives, and now you're stuck wondering what should I do with my life now? Try a spiritual practice like yoga or meditation. It might really help you in your situation. You may even achieve spiritual enlightenment. :hug:

I can very much relate to your comment on the 9-11 thingo. Like if I do it now, I won't get killed later in life by accident or something? Really dumb way of thinking, but maybe one day I'll change that , and maybe you will too? Who knows?