March 7, 2003

Lysistrata this, punk!

The United Nations will hold its most important session ever on Friday, as our natural European enemies and a turncoat Pope attempt to prevent us from prosecuting the most important war in world history. This is too important an occasion for me to ignore: None of us want the French to get an wedge in the all-important battleground of Internet opinion. So I'd like to announce that from the beginning of Friday's session, I will be providing constant streaming live commentary, updated every five to ten minutes. This will continue up to 2 PM Eastern time, when I'll have to leave for a doctor's appointment. When I get back, I'll provide a wrap-up before heading off to play Frisbee golf. Tune in to this space incessantly, and tell everyone you know, because my point of view is gold.

I'd also like to announce that I'm taking next week off to participate in the South By Southwest music festival in Austin, Texas, as I do every year. A complete schedule of my rock star activities can be found here. I think my duet with Junior Brown at the Austin Music Awards will be the highlight, or maybe the sex I've got scheduled with Lucinda Williams on Thursday the 13th at 3:35 PM in her room the Driskill Hotel. She'll write a song about it for her next album, due to come out in 2007. Remember that when Lucinda sings "my heart died in Lafayette," she really means, "I had sex with Neal Pollack."

While I'm hanging on the porch with Willie and the babes from Sahara Hotnights, my substitute blogger will be Rob Diener of Los Angeles, California. He maintains a website of sorts called Funnsylvania. Please give him your support. Like all great humor writers, he is a sad and lonely pervert. He's also Jewish, and in the face of rising global anti-Semitism, he deserves your support.

Speaking of rising global anti-Semitism, you'd think the Europeans would have learned by now that if you start dissing, or even killing, Jews, the U.S. will be occupying your ass within a few short years. But the situation has become quite dire, especially in France, where Orthodox Jews rarely do anything except eat and pray from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday, lighting their homes only with candles out of fear the government will track their whereabouts through electric currents. The current wave of prejudice has touched me as well. The other day, I called the offices of ANSWER, the Stalinist anti-war traitor organization.

"Hello," I said. "This is Neal Pollack. I'd like to speak at your next demonstration."

"Hang on," said a person. "Let me get an organizer."

I waited nearly 20 seconds, an eternity for a Jew who is being discriminated against.

"May I help you?" said the organizer.

"Yes," I said. "My name is Neal Pollack and I'd like to speak at your next antiwar demonstration."

"I don't think that will be possible."

"Why not?" I said.

"Because..."

"I'll tell you why!" I said. "It's because I'm Jewish."

"No, Mr. Pollack. It's because you're not actually against the war."

"Oh, really? How did you know that? Is your organization spying on Jews?"

"No. We read your op-ed in The Wall Street Journal."

"Fine," I said. "But you're still anti-Semitic."

"No we're not."

"Yes you are."

"Goddamn it, Pollack," the organizer said. "Shut your Jew ass."

BINGO!

While I have your attention today, I want to talk briefly about The Lysistrata Project, an effort by Fifth Columnist Earth Mothers to attempt to poison the minds of college sophomores everywhere by simultaneously performing the Lysistrata in dozens of different cities. I studied Greek theater at Oxbridge. I played Agamemmnon in a production of Orestes. And I highly disagree with their interpretation of Lysistrata as an antiwar play. Thank goodness I missed Monday's worldwide misreadings, but this is still Lysistrata week, so I'm going to contribute my piece. I translated the play from the original, and I present an excerpt here:

LYSISTRATA: Boy, I can't wait until my heroic soldier husband returns from the war so I can fuck his brains out!

ANTIGONE: You're telling me! Why, I just spent three weeks on the front lines handing out blowjobs to soldiers. It was fun. And I totally support my government's efforts in this War On Terror, a just war that cannot fail.

MEDEA: Mmmm. Just thinking about dead Iraqis makes me wet.

LYSISTRATA: Oh, god, me too. I'm so horny right now!

ANTIGONE: Let's have a three-way and videotape it for the boys on the U.S.S. Nimitz!