Dirty Rotten Racist

Sometimes I remember why I tell people that I’m not accepting applications for any new friends. My roomie forced me to meet her former friend from Utah. We met up for dinner after a long day of Ikea shopping. I can’t say that we hit it off but I nearly knocked the girls teeth out.

By reading my column I’m sure by now you’ve noticed that I have a bit of a smart mouth. I say what I want, when I want, how I want and if you don’t like it then that’s just too damn bad. I don’t care if I offend and I’m not looking to be politically correct. I feel that everyone has spent so much time trying to not offend anyone that they have sucked all the fun out of life. I would like to preface this story by saying that I am not a racist. I don’t care what color your skin is or what you believe in. I figure live and let live, but make it funny.

We sat down to dinner and my roomie began to talk about her assistant manager. She bitched for a moment referring to him as, “the flamer at my work.” Now, this didn’t phase me in the least. I’m gay, but I know the difference between someone being funny and someone being offensive. Then she began to tell her friend about our horrible apartment experience. I added to the story, “we have evil Jew bastard landlords.” It’s true they really are slightly evil, considering we still don’t have a finished apartment or keys to our building. I borrow the phrase “Jew bastard” from my favorite comedian, Lisa Lampanelli. If you’ve never heard of her then I insist you google her now, I’ll wait.

Allison the super Mormon, who is my roomie’s friend, responded,

“I don’t appreciate that.”“What?” I replied.“You being a racist.”“I’m not a racist. I’m honest,” I snapped, getting a little pissed.“Well, I don’t want to hear that.”“Well I won’t censor myself for you, so you’ll get over it.”My roomie added, “He won’t censor himself.”

I was proud of her for standing by my side. Now let me explain why I felt so compelled to argue this fact. I usually would let it go and not say it again if it really bothered someone that much. However, this girl is very religious and being a total hypocrite. I find it very interesting that she had no problem with a gay person being called a flamer but it was unacceptable to refer to a religious person in a derogatory way. I call this point out because I was also raised Mormon and I know how some of them like to act as though they are better than everyone else, but deny that they are doing so. They, like many religions, believe that gay people go to hell. I love religion for its brainwashing abilities.

The evening ended shortly after our spat. Pretending she wasn’t a total fake bitch Allison left me with, “it was nice to meet you.”I’m happy to say that I am a bitch. I turned and walked down the stairs to the subway.