This is my place to vent and process. My pages to chew and stew and sift and sort. I hope that you enjoy my journey into unlocking all of what I have come to know and understand. Come along with me...as I am deconstructed and reconstructed by the Masters hands.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Snakes And Cinnomon Donuts

Ever since I can remember, even as a very small child, in times of severe emotional distress I would dream about snakes. I have done a lot of work on this in therapy and thru prayer and I have come to realize that the snake thing is in direct relation to my incest. To a child, a penis looks an awful lot like a snake. So therefore, when I am scared or stressed the snakes come back. They made an appearance in my dreams recently again. I have been under a lot of inner turmoil.I have been wrestling with my two base feelings. These feelings make up the deepest heart of who I am. I have lived with them for years and until recently didn’t have a name for them. I just reacted to them appropriately and they were present. The feelings are FEAR and DESPAIR. Despair occurs when my fear gets the best of me. I lose all hope. I lose sight of my faith. I can no longer grasp that God will take care of me. All is lost in that tornado of emotion. It spins me about and twirls me around in such a way that my vision is blurred, my reality is hazy, and my feet no longer know where the ground is. There is no concept of safety that I can get a hold of. I toss out the grappling hook with the hope that it will catch onto something to stop me but nothing is there to anchor to. So I continue to spin. Completely out of emotional control.My life is full of uncertainty right now. My job is in jeopardy. I work in the construction industry. There are VERY few houses being built right now. If the trend continues and business stays the same, I will be laid off soon. That in itself is a big problem. I am a single mom. No husbands salary is there to back me up. This is terrifying to me. I have no savings. I am not prepared. So my fear has returned and is snearing away at the little peace I try to hold on to.In my dream I am sitting in a chair. I look down at my left leg and there it is. There is a snake slithering up my leg. This is the first time in my dreams of snakes that a snake has ever approached me. Usually the snakes are just laying about. Un-menacing. I walk thur valley’s where there are snakes laying on rocks or under a bridge but they have never approached me. Never touched me. So THIS dream is totally different. I am not afraid of the snake. It is crawling up my leg as if to get in my lap. Then I look to the floor to my right and beside my chair is another one slithering slowly by. I reach down with my hand and grab the snake behind the head…thinking “hold the head so it can’t bite”…I have to get this snake out of the house. THIS is also a first for me…I have NEVER tried to reach for one of these creatures in my dreams. I grasp the snake and I stand up to take the snake to the door, the snake that has been trying to climb up my left leg, snake #1, just falls away and disappears. I take snake #2 to the door and toss him out. I then wake myself up when my arm jerks. It is then that I realize that in my right hand is my Jack The Dog’s back foot.Silly as this sounds…I know that this dream is a turning point for me. I have nailed that fear and despair to the cross. It is still there wanting to drag me back into the emotional tornado of irrational thinking and reacting. But I must take hold of it. It will not disappear by itself. I have to grab the fear (snake #2) and stand. When this is done despair (snake #1) falls away. All this means only one thing. That it is up to me if I choose to walk on and believe or remain in the chair terrified to move. I have been choosing to walk daily. I can’t stop now. Too much is at stake. I will try to secure a job is this one ends. Until then, I will walk on know that life is messy. Even with faith.On a lighter note: I found a box of my favorite donuts at the store. Glazed cake donuts with these little cinnamon pellet things on top….some kind of good.