So, I talked about this a bit yesterday, but these scene may become my Zapruder film. Zapruder, Actually. Back and to the left and over the top of her head. Because, seriously, what is President Billy Bob doing to Natalie’s head?

Screencaps don’t even do it justice for proper investigation. So I giffed it.

No, but what is he doing? Like…what is he doing?

Let’s unpack this. This whole thing goes down in 19 seconds. I checked the timestamps. Natalie walks in the room as Prime Minister Hugh Grant walks out, Prime Minister Hugh Grant does something with papers that we’ll just assume is fannying about with some press releases, he walks back in. This happens in real time. In about 19 seconds, President Billy Bob has managed to wrap his arm over the top of her head and put his face on or about her ear.

But why. BUT FOR WHY?

And LOOK AT NATALIE’S FACE.

Is that a face that says “this sure was consensual and I deserve to be fired for it AND write an apology card?” I DON’T THINK SO. BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED HELP, NATALIE. All the men are sexualizing her and all the women are calling her fat, and her family is a bunch of assholes. NO ONE EXISTS TO HELP NATALIE. DON’T BOTHER BLINKING FOR HELP, NATALIE.

Also, YOU KNOW THIS IS BASICALLY DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE FROM THE VERY NEAR FUTURE, RIGHT?

I AM SO MAD AT THIS MOVIE FOR PUTTING THIS INTO MY HEAD AND HANDS AND PHOTOSHOP WINDOW. THE MOVIE DID THIS TO YOUR EYES, GUYS, NOT ME.

So then Prime Minister Hugh Grant basically declares war on America because President Billy Bob touched HIS WOMAN PROPERTY, not out of a sense of protection for her to right the wrong, because he’s MAD AT HER TOO! ENOUGH TO FIRE HER!

AND THEN HIS ASSISTANT, BELLINO THE CASTRATO FROM CASANOVA, CALLS HER A BIG FAT SACK OF SHIT. BASICALLY. EVERYONE IS TERRIBLE.

And YOU PEOPLE keep being all “it’s clearly a reference to Monica Lewinsky” while smoking your pipes I JUST ASSUME YOU ARE ALL SMOKING PIPES WHILE YOU DO THIS SHIT and, like, I guess, maybe, but that doesn’t change all the other weird body shame stuff throughout this movie. And Bridget Jones 2 for that matter. Hey, UK, WHAT IS UP? Did the Mail and the Sun do this to you? Do you need to talk?

And then REPEATEDLY VICTIMIZED NATALIE writes AN APOLOGY for her WEIRD 19-SECOND PRESIDENTIAL ASSAULT THAT SHE GOT FIRED FOR.

And then she apologizes again in the car with her octopus child, describing it as a weirdly romantic moment with “a fire, and he’s the President of the United States!”

But then they make out onstage and he calls her fat at the airport so it’s a happy ending or something. I don’t know. WHAT HAVE I DONE?