Pages

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Congressman Kimble Demands Snack Cake Bailout

Like any red-blooded patriotic American, I was horrified to hear that Hostess was going out of business. Surely, a company that hasn't demanded concessions from its workers in over 7 years deserves a break. I put this tragedy surely on the head of President Obama and his administration. The American Snack Cake Industry must survive. Our nation is too big for it to fail. Courageous steps must be taken in order to ensure that future generations are able to enjoy golden sponge cake with rich creamy filling or a flaky crust with real fruit filling. I am making my proposal respectfully to President Obama in the form of four non-negotiable demands. Mr. President, do not let us go off this snack cake cliff:

1. Sign and executive order dismissing all Hostess Workers unwilling to work for what the company is offering. In 1987, President Reagan courageously fired striking airline workers who asked for it. Even your President Roosevelt ordered miners back into the mines at a time of national emergency. This is a national emergency!2. Provide tax breaks for snack cake creators. We will not be out of this crisis until those with the resources and machinery to create snack cakes do so. We must give targeted tax breaks not only to Hostess, but to Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, and Tastykake.3. Have Michelle Obama include Hostess products in her efforts to change school lunches. While the overwhelming majority of The First Lady's efforts have been towards creating healthier school lunches, students can't live on vegetables alone. A package of Twinkies or a Cherry Fruit Pie gives students the dextrose they need to perform in school and life.

4. Ease cumbersome regulations on snack cake production. With an existential threat to the very existence of Hostess products, I don't care if there is a tiny bit of DDT in my Ding Dong or some very finely crushed glass in my Susie Q. If I can't taste it, than what I don't know I'm probably better off not knowing. The goal of sanitary food is admirable, but not at the cost of the wholesome goodness of Hostess products.