Tales From The Bishop

Sorry, that was stupid. What’s up, yo? This is Bishop, back and fashionably late as usual. I say usual, but this is my second column, and, you know, it’s hard to say ‘as usual’ when the last one was supposedly ontime because….

Bear: SHADDUP! *smack*

Ow.

Sorry about that.

Anyway, I was thinking of a lot of stuff to write a column about. First off, I’m going to rip on Eminem, in vain hopes of getiing made fun of by him at some point.

‘Hey! Hey white boy! Stop wearing glasses to try and look smart! It just makes you look like a bigger nerd! Hey! Hey! Call out a black guy for once, you coward! Or at least a white guy who can fight! Yeah! And stop rapping about yourself being controversial! Nobody thinks that anymore! All the old people love you… and that makes you lamer than lame! LAME! Move out of the way! Let’s play some AMG… now THAT is controversial! Go move to frickin’ Pennsylvania and open a dairy farm!’

…that’s not going to work.

Allright, I made promises about saying some stuff in my last column, but I’m not going to fufill them. Why not? Because I hate you. Instead, I’m going to examine, closely, the…um…

Why are there no bands around that don’t piss at least one person off? Remember Elvis? Nobody woke up in the morning and said ‘Ugh… Elvis’ the way I do whenever Avril Levine (spelling, anyone) is screaming in my ear about her Skeighter Boi’s or Justin Timberlake is breathing funny and trying to be sexy. In the old days, the only band that really, really pissed people off was the Four Seasons. ‘Sherry BAYYAYBEE’. Of course, this does not hold a candle to ‘That don’t impress me much’ by the formerly attractive, now easily hateable Shania Twain or ‘It’s gonna be May’ by N’sync. Those songs I could truly do without. It’s like they made a special point to irritate me when they were putting the album together.

‘Justin?’

*gasp* Yes?*weeze* …just justin….

‘Justin, we think you should annoy Bryan Bishop by doing that creepy breath-whisper thing that makes us want to hit you.’

*weeze*

Oh, let’s not forget rap, the old septic tank of artistic integrity.

‘The fish to fry in the kitchaaaaaaaaaan, the beans don’t burn on the greeeeeeeeeell, it took a whole lot of tryyyyyyyEEEEEEEEEEn, just to ket up that HEEEEEEEEll.’

Good lord. The first time I heard this I contemplated walking out of my dorm room(121 Arkansas Hall, for the ladies) and taking out the rage welling inside me on the nearest person. Nelly really irritates me. Really. I just want to take his bandage off of his face… and stick it to the warm jelly of his eyeball.

Fun with animal cruelty: Put a sock on a cat’s head, then sit back and enjoy.