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Saturday, November 14, 2015

November 13, 2015

Lately, I have found it difficult to post on this blog. That is due in part to the fact that I have a two-year-old and a six-month-old…but it also has largely to do with the fact that for the past year my heart has been a constant state of confused brokenness. So much has happened. So much keeps happening. The events in Paris last night, not to mention the bombings that happened elsewhere, were devastating.

I cried last night…. Quite a bit. I cried again this morning, although not as much. I have no shame in that; I think it was completely appropriate. I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that I have to keep moving on with my life, as does everyone else. I know that, despite how incredibly insane it seems, later today I will have to concern myself with the menu for Thanksgiving and whether or not my toddler put his toys away. I will probably even laugh. This is the world we live in. Mundane, tragic, dangerous...every day.

So I haven't blogged much. It seems confusing to take time and energy, both yours and mine, to talk about DIY projects and home decor and sahm anecdotes while people are starving and hurting and fearing. It's confusing. Not wrong. Confusing.

I'm not confused about the attack itself, and that, to a point, is comforting. I believe in God, and in hand with that, I believe in Satan. I believe that there is an ultimate, constant, heavy war between good and evil, between truth and lies. I believe that humanity was created by God and for God, and that He desires our good--a relationship with Him. I believe that Satan stands at the opposite end of that, hating humanity and feeding constant lies into this world in order to tear it apart and keep as many people as he can separated from the One that loves them.

Good vs. Evil. I think those are terms everyone can understand. The thing is, though, that God is good, Satan is evil...all people are left in the middle. I'm confused by the seeming desire to apply the "evil" label to a certain group of people...especially when I see that labeling being committed by believers. People that commit acts of evil are people that have fallen victim to the father of lies. That doesn't make everyone that shares their skin color evil...it doesn't make everyone else that believes the same lie evil. It makes them more victims of the father of lies. Muslims aren't the enemy, moderate or radical. They are people for whom Christ died. Sin is the enemy. Evil is the enemy. Satan is the enemy.

I have to admit, I do not mourn for them, the attackers...at all. As a believer, a Christ-follower, I probably should. It's true that God desired them to know the truth, to know His love, to experience His freedom...He desired it for them as much as He did their victims, as much as He does for me. I don't exactly know what to do with that.

Exhale.

I accept that I live in a world of terror, a world of uncertainty, a world of danger. I'm not afraid, per se. I have hope...I know what will happen at the end of my life. I have an eternity with my Savior to enjoy. I have children, though...children that have not yet accepted Him. I have friends that have openly rejected Him. That disturbs my peace. It rests in a place of my soul that I cannot reach to clear out. It is fear.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

That's a promise for believers. "Surely I will help you." "I am with you." "Do not fear." Those are incredible promises. I'm not holding them as a taunt. I'm writing this post in an effort to process, but I'm also aware that it will go public, that you will read it. So I want you to know, God's desire is that that promise apply to you. God's desire is that you live with hope and without fear. That you not be a victim to lies. He changes everything, and you need Him. You absolutely do...no matter who you are.

Exhale.

The world is changing, although I'm not sure that it's getting any more tragic and dangerous. I'm so much more able to be aware of the tragedy and danger...that's a change. My soul is unrecognizable from a year ago...for better or worse. It's been suggested to me that I should avoid Facebook. This is usually suggested as I'm mopping my face...and it's a fair suggestion. I don't know. Maybe I should. I've considered it. I've considered never watching the news again. I think I could exist at some level of peace just watching Netflix sitcoms from the 90s and 00s, blogging about home decor and sahm anecdotes. Tragedy and danger are not quite at my doorstep. I can't really help anyone who is suffering. Please know...I'm writing this because I really feel the need to do something. That's probably normal grieving.

I can do nothing, though.

So let me say this again: You need Jesus. You don't need religion, you don't need rules, you don't need reform...you need a relationship with the only one that can actually do something in times like this. Jesus isn't bound to or strengthened by a nationality, a denomination, skin color, wealth. If you don't know Him, you have a misrepresentation of Him. (That's our fault...the fault of believers...we get all caught up in trying to bind Christ to all those things but...He isn't. Anyway. That's another post for another day....)

You need Jesus.

My desire for you is to know Him. My desire for myself is to know Him better.

I'm processing. I started this post confused by how to respond in my grief...very confused by how others are responding. Even the filters of the French flag (which my profile is also wearing), it's...confusing. Seeing it over everyone's profile pictures, which capture people's happy faces, happy moments. It's a show of solidarity...but one that sort of highlights just how separated we are from our desire to help. I spent a long time trying to find a picture where I didn't look too happy...where I wasn't juxtaposing my joy with others' tragedy. Survivor's guilt? Strange. Our attempts to put a bandaid on tragedy. We aren't the answer. Our unity, outside of Christ, isn't true unity.

I still can't answer for the latter, for others' responses, but my response is now confusion free. I'm clinging to Christ, which means I'm desperately desirous that you cling to Him, too.

I have no idea who will read this...if anyone will read this. If you do, though, and you have questions...please let me know.

1 comment:

I had the same feelings about the French flag overlay; it was further complicated by the fact that in my profile picture, I'm holding my niece, for whom I hope so many things, whom I desire to protect from tragedy. I fear for her, for the ways this world breaks absolutely all of us. We are none of us untouched by brokenness. And at the same time, I hope for her to be a force for real change, for real life.