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47 Ronin: A Keanu Adventure

Before I get started I think I should have a disclaimer here: when I went to see this movie in theaters, I knew what I was getting into. I knew that it would do a serious injustice to the actual historical and beloved tale of the 47 Ronin. I knew that I would be boggled at the blatant disregard for the Japanese cultural heritage, but what I didn’t know was how absurd this movie really was.

Don’t get me wrong. I know to expect from big hollywood motion pictures involving Japan. They rarely get it right, to an insulting degree (see the new Wolverine movie), but this goes beyond that. This doesn’t even take place in Japan. Instead they have some sort of weird mashup between Japan and China to create this SUPER ASIA!~ that I think Keanu honestly believes is a place. It’s quite bizarre.

In terms of acting, this movie is subpar at best, with the most effort exerted by Keanu himself. However… allow me to spoil this obvious thing for you: Keanu’s ultimate role in this “Asia” drama is to play the savior. Yes that’s right the only way for “Asia” to save itself is to put it in the hands of the despised white guy who is, you guessed it, the only one who could save them from the start! WHOAAAAA! What a huge turn of events that is totally predictable!

I can’t even begin to describe the contempt I have for this movie and how badly handled it is, but what really gets me is the costuming and the ridiculousness circus it became. I understand that this movie wasn’t going to stay within the realm of realism, as that is quite apparent by the dragon, witch and the tengu they haphazardly dashed into the story, but they could have at least stayed somewhat on point to the Asian theme.

I mean look at this mess. Is that a KIMONO WITH A HOOD?! I mean, seriously, WHAT?! And Although I appreciate the attempt at the samurai style helmets, look at the guy with the enormous wizard hat on the right. How is that even remotely functional. dear god it’s awful.

The characters are bad, the plot is terrible, the visuals are a mess, the acting is disappointing, and there is no redeeming quality to this movie.

Overall I give it a 10/10 for no effort and 100 rupees awarded to the production staff. Good job guys.