One mom's journey through life, love, and loss.

May 20, 2018

I’ve decided its time to write to you again, but today is going to be different. Today I am going to write about the happy. You were always the happiest little girl, and you made your Mama so happy too. These days Mama has to dig very deep to find the happy, this isn’t how its supposed to be at all and I’ve started to learn that while its okay to not be okay, sometimes in order to be okay it is up to us and our mindset. So that is what today is about, today is about making the best of this and turning my day around.

While I write today, there is a snuggly little “Keety Goat” (Kitty Ghost) sitting between my arms, and that really does make me happy. She loved to snuggle you and you loved to love on her. You had your differences and your scraps but you two really were the best of friends! I have countless videos on my phone of you two playing and loving. My favorite features you telling her over and over, “I wuv you, keety, keety, I wuv you.” I smile anytime I think about you loving on all of the animals in your life. Tun-der-ara (Tundra) and Dormy (Stormy) let you crawl all over them anytime you wanted too!

It’s a strange feeling, looking for the happy rather that it just happening to us. Sometimes I catch myself laughing and then I think about you and it hurts a little. I know that all you want is us to be happy so I’m going to make a conscious effort to enjoy the happy moments. The happy memories. On Friday I asked (or made, haha) your Daddy go to the store to get Mama some Chips and Dip. I know how much you loved to have chips and dip in the afternoons. I am going to enjoy those after I finish writing to you today. I do a lot of things with you in mind, it makes me so happy. You were given to me to make me happy, even if it was for such a short time.

Yesterday Daddy and I had ice cream cones. It was so delicious and made us happy for a moment too. I remember the last time we had ice cream with you. I told you to go ask Daddy if he wanted to have one too. So you went clamoring down the stairs, got about halfway down the stairs and hollered, “Daddy, You want a I Ceam Cone??” Daddy told you, “No, Thanks”. That was it. You LOST it, big crocodile tears, sobbing to the point that you couldn’t breath. I came running to you, freaking out thinking something was wrong. Turns out, you thought that because Daddy said no you weren’t going to get to have one either. We laugh about it now, you were so upset, but the minute I handed you your cone you were so excited again! You sat down on the couch and ate the whole thing! Except the bottom of the cone, you didn’t like that part. You always were an ice cream monster.

You also really loved popcorn. The first time Mommy showed you how popcorn was made you were terrified of the popcorn popping out of the popper. The second time you watched you loved it! “Mommy, its popping out! It’s popping out!” It was such a happy sound! Every time we had popcorn after that you would push the chair up to the counter and watch completely captivated! It was another one of our favorite snacks and your dad and I love to think about you while we enjoy it every now and then. You and I had two bowls on our last afternoon together. Man I’m so glad we did!

Enough about the snacks! Its obvious you took after your mommy in the aspect, snacks on snacks on snacks! Snacks make us happy. You make me happy, the memories I will hold forever make me happy. So sometimes its going to just have to be okay to sit and enjoy my memories. I don’t need to do it all. Sometimes I just need to be happy.