Ask Anna is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.

Dear Anna,

My boyfriend and I are thinking of opening our relationship up. We’ve read “The Ethical Slut” and feel fairly well-versed in the topic. But, it’s still quite terrifying to me, even though I want to try. Part of the problem is I feel like I can’t really bring this up with close friends or family because they wouldn’t understand or would judge me. Any advice? And why do you think most people are so against open relationships?—Only Prying Ends Never

Dear OPEN,

Congrats on your impending foray into open waters, sexy times, and lots and lots of processing. It’s good that you’ve done your homework and have taken the time and thoughtfulness that many people skip before jumping into the fray.

You’ll find, however, that open relationships are a lot like traveling to another country. You can read all the books, visit all the websites, talk to all the right people, but once your feet touch foreign land, all bets are basically off. You never really know what will happen, what you’ll encounter, who you’ll meet, what you’ll feel or what will change you inextricably.

I would encourage you to hold on to the terror you’re experiencing, to really feel it in your bones, and to find the exhilaration within it. It’s there. It is, in fact, what will ground you.

Of course, “open” relationships can mean many things. Maybe you’ll have a tryst once or twice a year. Maybe you’ll date regularly. Maybe you’ll fall desperately in love with 10 people and form a … I don’t even know the word … decagon? An Oregon? Hopefully you and your boyfriend have discussed this. If not, do so now, even if you change your minds later. It’s good to have an idea of where things may go—a map, if you will—to keep the travel metaphor going.

I would encourage you also to not keep silent on the matter. I understand the desire for privacy, but don’t be completely closeted. It will only hurt you in the long run. If you can’t open up to friends, then find community elsewhere. Online. Meetups. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

I would still encourage you to try to talk to a few close friends, however. Even if certain friends don’t “get it,” it doesn’t mean they can’t offer empathy or encouragement. The struggles that people in open relationships face are quite similar to those who are monogamous, just of a different (and often more transparent) flavor. Jealousy. Insecurity. Needs. Desires. Communication. It’s all on the all-you-can-eat buffet of life.

As to your last question: People are often threatened by what is unfamiliar, even though open relationships have been around for ages. How many wives did Solomon have in the Bible, like 800? Not to mention “walking marriages” in China, fraternal polyandry in Nepal, where “the rough landscape often requires more than one set of extra hands to cultivate,” and even here in the old U.S. of A., sexually non-monogamous couples number in the millions (and that doesn’t even include non-consensual non-monogamy, aka cheating!).

At the end of the day, relationships are all one big, beautiful mess. Just like us. Embrace it. Talk about it. Get your hands dirty. And remember that nothing is permanent.