A Romanian girl in London

Thoughts on Depression

I am in a dark place right now. I was in a even darker place few months ago. Once again, I am fighting with depression. The thing is, when you fight with depression, you fight with yourself and with the entire world. It is a tricky disease that changes you and hurts you deeply.

By nature, I am a positive and overanalytic person. This helped me catch the disease from the early stages, each time I had it, and find ways to get over it. I always try to get the best of all my experiences because I think that even tragedies are lessons to learn, if you are willing to.

So here is what depression taught me this time.

Nobody should cope with depression by themselves. There will be nights when tomorrow looks pointless. No matter how strong you are, you need help. It can be a friend or a shrink or both. Since depression is very tricky and plays games with your mind, you might fail to see things how they really are. You need someone to put their finger on the problem and support you in solving it.

Many will desert you. You will discover that friends you have been drinking and partying with for the last decade, will dump you because you are not fun anymore, because you have dark thoughts, because you are not happy and they are, so you disturb them, because you don’t care about their issues anymore. And they are right, depression turns you into a gloomy, selfish little bitch, but there is nothing you can do about it. They can take it or leave it. When they leave it, you will feel hurt and abandoned and lonely. Don’t give up. People are like that amazing dress Santa brought to you when you were ten. You wore it several times and you had a blast. Later on, you had to stop wearing it, because it didn’t fit you anymore. It was the same amazing dress, but you outgrew it. This happens with people, too. They are the same great people you partied with for the last several years, they are just not good for you anymore. But it is ok. One thing is abundant on this planet: people. You will be surprised with how many people you can connect or reconnect, how many people can feel with you, if you just give them a chance and let them enter your heart.

Most of all, you don’t have to do anything, but what makes you feel good. This, in fact should be the gold rule in everyone’s life. Don’t pretend that you are ok, when you are not. It is like cleaning the house and sweeping the trash under the carpet. It will start to stink sooner or later. Take a moment to learn about yourself. Accept yourself, love yourself, be proud of yourself, be the best you can be. Set goals and work on them. Don’t let life happen. Make it happen. Put up walls. Don’t let negative feedback and judgements reach you. No one can tell you that what you do is wrong. They don’t know how it is to be you and how it is to live your life, day by day and night by night. Life is a lonely business after all and only you can figure out your own. When depressed, it is high time to be selfish. Make yourself your number 0, number 1 and number 2 priority. All the rest can wait.

I am in a dark place right now. But I can see the light. A while back, I couldn’t see it anymore. I know I am on the right path and I can imagine few versions of tomorrow. I am doing good. In time, I will be better and better. I know that the day I will be at my best again, is not that far.