Truth time... I rewrote like 90% of what this chapter was because the direction I went was a little too... not what I wanted. Sandy came across as a total bad guy, and I just couldn't do that again. So, I rewrote a lot of it. There's still some moments I'll keep, because they can easily be rewritten to fit this version, but... yeah.

Title from the Bethany Joy Galeotti (OTH's Haley) song of the same title. It actually kinda fits the feel.

Feel This - Part One

When the door opened, he looked up and sighed. "We have to talk..." he began.

"Later," came the reply as the girl closed the door behind her, then locked it and crossed the room to shove him back on the bed, straddling him as she latched her mouth onto his.

"We..." he tried again when she stopped to catch her breath and pull her t-shirt off over her head.

"I said later," the girl repeated, grabbing his shirt to yank it off of him, then going to work on his jeans, undoing them quickly as she latched her mouth onto his chest, sucking gently.

"Oh God," he moaned, tangling his fingers in her hair as her hand delved inside his boxers and grasped him.

~~~~

"So, you wanted to talk?"

He sighed and rolled over to look at her, watching the moonlight dance in her hair for a minute. "Not wanted. Needed."

"Well, I needed you," she replied with a smile before leaning in to kiss him again.

"We've gotta talk, Summer," he said.

Summer pulled back and sat up, letting the sheet fall to pool around her waist and putting her hands on her hips as she tilted her head sideways. "About?"

"We've gotta stop this."

"Stop what, Chino?"

"This," Ryan said. "Meeting like this. In the middle of the night, or when the house is empty... or when Marissa's out of town or busy with her mom and sister. You know it's wrong."

"It's just sex, Ry," Summer said, looking away,

"It may have started out just sex, but... you and I both know that changed a long time ago."

"I don't want to," Summer said, pulling her hand out of his and turning away to sit on the edge of the bed.

"You think I do?" Ryan asked, propping himself up on his elbows. "You think I wanna push away the one good thing I have in my life?"

"Why do we even care that it would hurt them?" Summer asked, her voice full of bitterness. "After what they did?"

"Sandy and Kirsten would never forgive me," Ryan said. "All I have in the world is them and you. And I don't want to lose... I just want to be selfish and have them and you and..."

Summer turned back around, seeing the look on Ryan's face, the look in his eyes. "I want you to have us all," she agreed. "God, Chino... why does this have to be so damn hard? Why do Cohen and Coop have to be the winners and us the losers?"

"I'm always the loser, Summer, Just look at my history."

"You deserve better."

"So do you."

"So what do we do?" Summer asked, turning away again.

"I don't know," Ryan said, sitting up the rest of the way and placing a gentle kiss on her back, between the bare shoulder blades. "I don't wanna lose again," he whispered, resting his forehead against her shoulder.

Summer closed her eyes, one hand lifting to come through his hair. "We have to end it," she said.

"Summer..."

"You need the Cohens," Summer said. "You love them. I can't mess that up for you."

"I love you, too," Ryan whispered.

Summer turned to look at him again. "Ryan..."

"Why... why is it that when I find someone that I can say those words to without it being so impossibly hard, it's an impossible relationship that can't work because of other people? people that I hate so much..."

"No, you don't," Summer said, pressing a kiss to his lips, then pulling away to start getting dressed. As she yanked her shirt on, she glanced back at him. "I love you, too, you know<" she said. "Leave it to them to find a way to ruin something good when they don't even know about it."

"Do you even feel the least bit guilty?" Ryan found himself asking Seth the next evening at dinner. He'd just spent the entire meal choking down food while listening to Seth babble about comic books and the beach, the same as usual, and he just couldn't take it anymore.

"What?" Seth asked, momentarily confused by Ryan's interruption.

"Do you even feel the least bit guilty," Ryan repeated. "The tiniest little bit of regret? Or... or do you really think that everything will be fine, because it was you that did it, and you can do no wrong?"

"What are you talking about?" Sandy asked.

"Ryan..." Seth began at the same time, glancing at Sandy, then back to Ryan.

"You wanna tell him, or should I?" Ryan asked. "Because I'll tell him. Since maybe now he's started to realize that this supposed family is incredibly fucked up."

"Hey," Sandy began.

"Tell him, Seth. Or I will."

"I didn't do anything wrong," Seth said.

"You were fucking my girlfriend!" Ryan yelled. "I caught you and her having sex at the lifeguard tower!"

"And she decided to whore around with my other brother, and he agreed," Ryan countered. "How about this one, Seth. What was Summer's crime that it was okay to do that to her?"

"Marissa..."

"I didn't give a fuck about that whore," Ryan said. "We're talking about Summer right now. What did she do to deserve her boyfriend and her best friend, to start fucking behind her back?"

"Ryan..." Sandy began.

"Don't tell me you're gonna defend them, Sandy," Ryan said. "Because I will lose all respect for you if you do."

"Why? Because he's defending his real son instead of his charity case?" Seth snapped.

"Seth!" Sandy yelled as he saw the way the blood immediately drained from Ryan's face at the harsh words.

"Well, you just got rid of the last of my guilt," Ryan said coldly, his hands flat on the table as he stood up. "Summer's been sneaking into the poolhouse to see me almost every night since we caught you and Marissa." With that, Ryan turned on his heel to leave the main house. He heard Seth's chair scrape against the tile floor as he reached the door, but didn't turn back until Seth grabbed his arm. He'd been prepared for Seth to yell at him, maybe try to hurt him with more claims of him being a charity case.

He wasn't expecting Seth to hit him.

Or the splintering pain as his arm hit the patio tiles at an awkward angle, the crack audible in the silence that had followed Seth's punch.

Since this thing is goping in a totally different direction from where it went originally... I don't know where it'll end up... but, it being a fic about Ryan, written by Me, you know it won't be simple or easy for Ryan... lol

Good to see something from you. I think the last one had something to do with Ryan and the Nana- way too long ago.

Seth is a character who is unappealing to me in many ways, and they dynamic is always interesting to tweak and explore.

A cheap shot punch- regardless of his obvious lack of strength or coordination- somehow seems to fit. He'd know Ryan would never hit him, not first and not in retaliation. He simply would see himself as too indebted to the Cohens, and would never believe he could or should cross that line.

Seth was always selfish as hell. He never seemed to understand that he wasn't the center of the universe. And it's FUN to make the quirky geek the bad guy! lol

And see, I imagine that at some point, Ryan tried to teach Steh how to throw a semi-decent punch, if for no other reason than so Seth could protect himself from Waterpolo players... of course, now Ryan is living to regret that...

But the only reason Seth accomplished anything was because Ryan didn't expect it. Despite everything, he was holding on to the fact that he and Seth's friendship, their relationship as 'brothers', was stronger than anything and anyone else... he didn't believe that anything could destroy that bond. So he didn't expect Seth to actually come after him, to punch him.

Oh, do ITA with your train of thought. Seth has never appealed to me for just that reason. I have zero tolerance for and patience with people who are the center of their universe, and who believe everyone else should- and does- have that same view. Ah, no. That fact that he isn't just obnoxious, insufferable and beyond self-absorbed (in addition to not even trying to grow up, take responsibility and consider that other people exist), but also a dork on a ginormous scale makes him a better target.

I also could see Ryan trying to get Seth to stand on his own two feet, maybe because he was tired of being his bodyguard (even though he'd believe he was obligated to be just that- and anything else any Cohen wanted, needed, expected, demanded, assumed), maybe to give Seth a little confidence, or maybe because Seth just pestered him relentlessly (as is his way), until Ryan gave in. Just because Ryan would never hurt Seth doesn't mean it's not mutual. Seth hurt Ryan so many times- just not with direct physical blows. Ryan might expect the former, but he wouldn't have the latter. Ryan wouldn't do either, but Seth...? Yeah.

Seth would always count on the hold he would have with Ryan feeling so indebted, worthless, obligated, loyal, grateful- and just that Ryan would be too decent.

I see you have more posted. Hopefully, I can read before heading to bed.

Bad bad Seth. But poor Ryan. Always trying to keep the peace and not putting his own needs before others, and he ends up as the injured one. Not fair. Heres hoping that Seth gets his just deserts and that Sandy grows some balls and deals with him (after attending to Ryan of course.)I can see that I'm going to like this.

Good, I`m real glad to see you back to writing Summer/Ryan fics. Yours are always awesome! But then all your stories are, really. Please update soon. PS: Any chance you are going to finish your unfinished stories?

Aaaand- just where was *Kirsten* at this dinner table? ooops- catches up w/ timeline- yeah. In rehab as in canon, I suppose. Because I can hardly imagine Ryan speaking so plainly at the dinner table in front of her. Sandy? Yes. Plausible.

But I look forward to the possibilities if/when she is brought into this painful loop.

I'm glad you're starting with a Ryan strong enough to stand up for having Summer in his life. I'm still trying to decide if it's hope- or a hopeless desire to 'just get it over with'- that he decides to confront Seth with Sandy present.

Your Summer, ambivalent but ultimately willing to put her own needs aside because she understands Ryan's complicated but necessary relationship with the Cohens, rings true.

You've set the stage nicely- Ryan's painful lack of self-worth, the almost total absence of expectation of any of life's goodness for himself- loved this: "Why... why is it that when I find someone that I can say those words to without it being so impossibly hard, it's an impossible relationship that can't work because of other people? people that I hate so much..."

I've always loved him paired with Summer- the chemistry onscreen in canon was undeniable- but for so much more than the heat. They may be from opposite sides of the track, but the similar threads of loneliness, wearing a facade, and being abandoned by parents give many opportunities to explore and develop these characters.

Oh the angst! The betrayal! Seth plunging the knife deep with the 'charity case' then twisting it by actually striking him....I don't think he could have done a better job of completely trashing any chance of salvaging his 'brother' [yes that's in quotes for a reason] relationship if he'd planned for months rather than reacted in abrupt rage.

You notice I'm writing with the *complete* expectation/ hope that you will follow this thread to its end someday? What will Sandy do/say now? There are positive signs in his admonishments to Seth....but when the chips are down, will he stand up for Ryan? Especially if Kirsten isn't for it....

Lovely, lovely. Good to see you writing OC. I do like your crossovers [and apologies, as I know I've commented sparsely in recent months] but early OC is my favorite.