Since 1996 Divorce Magazine has been the Internet's leading website on divorce and separation. We provide advice about divorce law, divorce lawyers, family law, custody, support and other divorce related issues along with a directory of divorce professionals.

Child Custody — Is a Custody Battle Best For Your Children?

Beware of letting your children get involved in the case through an extended custody tug-of-war -- it will backfire on you.

Look at this
time as an adventure and opportunity of trying to improve your
parenting skills in order to improve the quality of the relationship you
have with your children. Your children simply can’t lose in an effort
such as this.

1. Conservatorship
Conservatorship is the term used in Texas to designate the division of
parental rights, privileges, powers and duties. Joint managing
conservators may share all rights or may share some rights and retain
others exclusively. By law, it is now presumed that the parents should
be named joint managing conservators unless good cause is shown. Because
of this presumption, this handbook will only address joint managing
conservatorship in detail.

In those
extreme circumstances which warrant a sole managing/possessory
conservatorship arrangement, the sole managing conservator (the
“custodial” parent) is the person who is granted all of the rights,
privileges, powers and duties of a parent. The possessory conservator
(the “noncustodial” parent) has only limited parental rights when he or
she has actual possession of the children. There may be some instances
when a non-parent may be appointed as a sole managing conservator or
possessory conservator, although this rarely occurs in a divorce case.
When it does occur, one or more of the grandparents of the children may
be appointed as an additional possessory conservator. In addition, there
may be more than one possessory conservator with specific rights to
possession of the children at certain times.

2. The Court Must Determine the Rights and Duties of Each Parent
In a decree or order appointing them joint managing conservators, the
parent rights may be divided however the parties agree or the court
determines: they can retain all rights and exercise them jointly, or
they can apportion more to one parent than the other. The exception to
this is the domicile of the child or children. The order naming joint
managing conservators must either fix the county of residence of the
children until and unless altered by further court order, or give one of
the conservators the right to determine the domicile.

The courts
also like to allow the primary caretaker to have the overriding say the
selection of schools, physicians and the right to direct the moral and
religious training of the child or children, after appropriate notice to
and/or discussion with the non-custodial conservator.

3. Things are a-Changin’
Prior to 1974, Texas had followed the “tender years” doctrine, in which
children of tender years (up to seven or eight years old) should be with
their mother. It was accepted that the mother was a better person to
care for, teach and guide children of tender years. In 1974 the law
specifically directed that the decision as to which parent should have
custody of the children should be made without regard to the sex of the
parent seeking custody. Although the “tender years” doctrine lingers to
some degree, the family district courts of Tarrant County show that
there has been a marked change in the attitude of judges towards the
custody of children. Each party can expect to be treated fairly. After
all, in over 50% of families in the United States, both the mother and
father work. In situations where both parents work, the father should be
able to do as good of a job parenting the children as the mother since
he would have had to develop the same skills and would have had to make
similar arrangements for the children to be taken care of during periods
when he was working.

4. The Court Will Establish a Possession Schedule for Each Party
In addition to setting out the parental rights of each party, the order
will set out each parent’s right to possession of the children at
different times. Joint managing conservatorship does not mean
that the children will divide their time equally between each parent.
Many times a joint managing conservatorship can provide that one of the
parents has the right to possession of the children most of the time,
with the other parent having various weekends and alternating holidays.

5. The Best Interest of Your Children
The law requires that the best interest of the children should be the
determining factor in assessing which parent should be named a child’s
primary conservator. Some of the factors that should be considered are
as follows:

(A) the desires of the child;
(B) the emotional and physical needs of the child now and in the future;
(C) the emotional and physical danger to the child now and in the future;
(D) the parental abilities of the individual seeking custody;
(E) the programs available to assist these individuals in promoting the best interest of the child;
(F) the plans for the child by these individuals or by the agency seeking custody;
(G) the stability of the home or proposed placement;
(H) the acts or omissions of the parent which may indicate that the existing parent-child relationship is not a proper one;
(I) any excuse for the acts or omissions of the parent;
(J) the amount of time a parent has spent and currently spends with the child.

The Texas
Family Code provides that the court, upon application, shall confer with
any child 12 years of age or older and shall consider their desires.
Even so, the child’s desires do not affect the discretionary power of
the court. The decision of the court will still be based on the welfare
of the children, which is of paramount importance.

6. Assessing Your Motives
The most important question to consider is: Why do you want primary
custody of your children? All sorts of reasons may be involved, and
often you may not understand exactly why you want custody. If your
spouse or ex-spouse has decided that a divorce or change in custody is
necessary and assumes he or she will have custody, you might feel hurt
and resentful by this. In this particular situation, you may want the
children because they represent a means of revenge and an opportunity to
punish your spouse or ex-spouse. That is, of course, a poor motive for
seeking custody of your children. Alternatively, you may think you
really are the better parent and can provide the children with more of
what they need than your spouse or ex-spouse.

The key to
success in this type of case is simply hard work. You are asking the
attorney to become a partner with you in this venture. You are asking
for emotional commitment, a physical commitment and a time commitment to
a demanding case. If your motives are questionable and your commitment
is not complete, we will be reluctant to become a part of the effort to
seek the primary conservatorship of your children.

7. Parenting is an Extremely Difficult Full Time Job
If your lawyer finds that you are not a competent, qualified parent, she
may not remain as your attorney. If, in that case, there are compelling
reasons why the other parent is not a good alternative, your
lawyer may stay in your case with the understanding that you cooperate
and follow our instructions to improve your parenting skills. In this
way, we can make a presentation to the court which gives you a chance to
be appointed the primary conservator of the children. Your children can
only benefit.

Take time to
consider that primary conservatorship of one, two, or three children is
an enormous responsibility. It is much easier to visit your children
every other weekend than to see your children on a day-to-day basis,
feed them, clean them, be with them when they’re sick, nudge them about
their grades, have the economic responsibility of their care, maintain
the house, as well as, perhaps, holding down a full time job. It is
neither an easy job nor a small one. It’s a job you really have to want.

8. Create a Win-Win Situation for Your Children
If you have received temporary primary conservatorship and are living in
the house with the children, you must use this precious time prior to
trial to show your skills as a loving, concerned parent so that the
court will be more inclined to continue this arrangement on a permanent
basis. If, after taking over the responsibility of the children for a
period of time, you make the determination that primary custody is more
difficult than you anticipated, then your spouse may be the appropriate
parent for permanent custody.

Keep in
mind, there is nothing wrong with discovering you should not be the
primary conservator. There is certainly nothing wrong with admitting you
were wrong as long as you love your children and want the very best for
them. Why spend thousands of dollars in a custody fight that you cannot
win or that you should not win, even if you could? That money would be
better spent for the benefit of the children. You must be honest with
your attorney, and your attorney must be honest with you. If you decide
somewhere along the line you do not want to pursue this fight, you must
tell us. Correspondingly, if there’s a time when we think that you do
not have a chance to succeed, we promise to tell you.

Making Your Case for Primary Conservatorship

A contested custody battle should be your last resort.

1. Personal Assessment as a Parent
The assessment of your existing parenting skills is crucial. Make a list
of your strong points and your weak points as a parent, as a provider
and as a person. Make a similar list of the good points and bad points
of your spouse or ex-spouse. Then, list the names of persons who can
testify as to the good and bad points of you or your spouse or
ex-spouse, who can also describe the interaction between you and your
children and can describe the relationship you have with them. Finally,
provide your attorney with their names, addresses, and telephone numbers
including a description of their relationship to you, so that we will
have the ingredients for their testimony.

2. Paint a Picture of Your Children’s Relationship with Each Parent
Provide your lawyer with a picture of each of your children so that she
may have it in my files for reference and let her know what you think
about them. Explain the relationship you have with each child and the
activities you and your children share. Provide the same type of
description about your spouse or ex-spouse’s relationship with your
children. If this is a divorce, describe your role during the infancy of
your children. If you are the father, where you were when the children
were born. What was your participation in the care of the children after
they came home from the hospital? Exactly what was the division of
duties in your house with each child, from the first child through the
youngest? Break this down into time periods, such as infancy, two years,
five years, etc. This needs to be in writing and to be as specific as
possible.

3. Get Involved with Your Children
There are activities in which you can participate with your children
that will be beneficial to a custody case and to your relationship with
your children. You cannot think of your children as one group. Each
child is unique and, consequently, your relationship with each child
will be different. You need to develop activities that fit the interests
of each particular child. Remember, each child may want or need
activities different from those of your other children.

It is
important to determine what activities your children will enjoy with
you. If you require them to perform activities that they find
unpleasant, they will look upon the time spent with you as unpleasant.
That is counter-productive.

The
expenditure of funds in entertaining children is often necessary, but
not essential. Try not to be subject to the criticism that you’re trying
to buy the favor or your children. The money you spend should be on
things other than material possessions for the children.

Children
tend to use parents against each other during a lengthy custody
proceeding. Do not allow your children to put you in a position where
you are in a spending war with

4. Know Your Child’s School and Activities
You should become actively involved in your child’s school. You should
know the children’s teachers and principal by name, so that if you are
asked about their schooling, you will be able to reply quickly and
easily about their activities, their interests, and their academic
progress. Quiz yourself. Do you know the name of each child’s homeroom
teacher or your child’s favorite subject? You should know this
information before proceeding to court in a custody contest. If you know
that a custody dispute is going to become a reality, have a private
conference with your children’s teachers to let them know what is going
on. Don’t ask the teacher to pick sides, just let them know what is
going on at home so they can be alert to any problems the children are
having. Teachers are potentially among the strongest witnesses in a
custody case. Make sure the teachers know that your children’s best
interests are your primary concern, and not who “wins” the custody
battle.

How much do
you really know about your children? We intend to find out. For example,
what size dress does your daughter wear? What size shirt does your son
wear? Who is your daughter’s music teacher? Who is your son’s assistant
principal? What is your daughter’s favorite color? What is your son’s
favorite ice cream? You should know the answers to all of these
questions. If you don’t, you should work on your knowledge of your
child’s life. As a part of the process of preparing for this case, you
are going to learn about those things, and retain them so that you have
the ability to testify in court as to those facts. You should be able to
talk about your son’s best friend, your daughter’s boyfriend, if she
has one, and what things your children like about their various friends.
The only way you can find out those things is to spend time,
individually, with each child, talking to them, but not interrogating
them.

5. Be Able to Communicate to the Court about Your Relationship with Your Children
It’s important that you be able to communicate to the court the kind of
relationship you have with your children. You can be the best parent in
the world and have impressive activities with your children, but if you
are unable to demonstrate that to the judge, the counselors, the
psychologists, or the social worker, you may not succeed in your case.
Some people verbalize better than others. Good communication skills are
an asset. If you do not have the ability to communicate effectively we
will work together to improve that ability.

When asked
to describe their children, most people do a terrible job. They have a
difficult time doing much more than saying, “He’s a great kid”. You
should make the judge believe your child is “a great kid” by helping the
judge understand and visualize him.

You have to
remember that the judge who hears your case has heard hundreds of cases.
You have to humanize yourself and your children so the judge can see
that the names on the paper represent people who are alive, children who
are real and people who care about and love those children. You should
practice describing your children. Think of their imagination, sense of
humor, or sensitivities. Write down those qualities. Then describe those
qualities aloud.

6. Keep a Journal of Events
For purposes of this suit, you should keep a log in which you write down
the most interesting incident, positive or negative, that has occurred
with each of your children. Try to do this at least once a week.

As noted
before, you also need to keep a record of the time you spend with your
child. Your record should reflect the times you have with your child, or
in some cases, the times you did not have. Such a record will be a
quick reference for you and your attorney in determining if visitation
privileges are being carried out.

7. Look for the Best from Your Spouse as a Parent as Well
Your children will benefit from this case by having a more caring,
understanding, attentive and skilled parent than when the case was first
filed. If, in fact, your spouse or ex-spouse has made the same kind of
effort, the children will then have two parents who are functioning,
both physically and emotionally, on a higher plateau. You may discover
some of the problems and complaints you had about your spouse or
ex-spouse have disappeared during the pendency of the suit. You should
expect and hope that your spouse or ex-spouse’s new conduct is of a
lasting nature rather than a facade or a temporary measure to impress
the court. If, in fact, your spouse or ex-spouse’s conduct is real and
lasting, your children will be the beneficiaries of two parents who love
them and have worked hard to achieve better parenting skills.

8. If a Social Study Investigation is Required, Cooperate Fully with the Investigator or Case Worker
Tell the truth and let the case worker know the kind of parent you are.
It is the duty of the case worker to make recommendations regarding the
custody of the children and you should spare no effort in being
cooperative so that your side will be understood and believed. The
investigator will ask you for references, the names of people with whom
you have worked and people who know you. These people will be contacted.
Talk with your references and tell them that they can expect to hear
from the case worker. Do not tell them what to say. Above all, don’t
give names of people who either do not know you well or who might be
adverse to you. Do not hurt your case — help it.

CHANGE OF CUSTODY IN A MODIFICATION

Change of Custody on a Temporary Basis in a Modification

In a
modification, the court may not render a temporary order if the effect
is to change the designation of a sole or primary joint managing
conservator appointed in a final order unless it is necessary because:

the
child’s present living environment may endanger the child’s physical
health or significantly impair the child’s emotional development;

the
child’s managing conservator has voluntarily relinquished the actual
care, control, and possession of the child for more than 6 months and
the temporary order is in the best interest of the child; or

the
child is 12 years of age or older and has filed with the court in
writing the name of the person who is the child’s choice for managing
conservator and the temporary order naming that person as managing
conservator is in the best interest of the child.

Change of Custody on a Final Basis in a Modification

In a final
trial, the standard for making an order that has the effect of changing
the primary caretaker is somewhat easier than on a temporary basis.
However, the Courts do not like to make major changes without cause, so
be ready to clearly prove the following:

circumstances of the child or either parent have “materially and substantially changed” since the last orderOR

the last order has become unworkable or inappropriate under current circumstancesAND

modification would be a positive improvement for and in the best interest of the children.

Reader Interactions

Comments

Having cases presumed to be joint custody from the get-go could help set things up in a fair way. My cousin is getting a divorce and it’s kind of a messy situation with their kids. Maybe they should try out having primary custody to see how it works while they are split up. It might clear up a few things.