ANNOUNCEMENT: This WordPress blog is changing format, transforming into an online advice column as of April 1, 2017. No, this is not an April Fool’s joke, it’s real.

For anyone reading this post, please spread the word that ‘The Doctor Is In’

If you are struggling with a current life dilemma, a challenging circumstance, a conflict with a person, or just seek guidance regarding a life decision, then send Dr Val a message stating your case and she will respond on this post.

PUBLIC DISCLAIMER: The advice offered on this post is coming from a person with knowledge, skills and experience for Dr. Galante has a PhD in Clinical Psychology along with 25+ years experience providing assessment, diagnostic and therapy services to people of diverse backgrounds. Nevertheless, please be advised, that the advice offered via this website is general advice and is not to be construed as professional therapy. Ultimately, what a person does with the advice offered via this Advice Column is up to him or her, and he or she must accept personal responsibility for the decisions he or she makes and the consequences that follow form those decisions.

Have you ever felt like a cactus, you know, able to thrive in the harshest of climates with very little sustenance? Perhaps we all feel that way from time to time.

This insight came to me recently when, in the midst of accepting many requests to professionally link with others, responding to numerous emails, and reading through countless tweets, I realized that it was all meaningless, empty activity pretending to be “connections with others.”

My Twitter followers probably never actually read my tweets; the ratio of personal email messages to professional and/or junk is minimal, and most of the people in my professional network honestly would probably not even notice if I dropped out of their network and stopped posting in discussions. Furthermore, because I am one of the many people who has put herself out in the public domain so to speak, like others, I am subject to attacks. It is perfectly expected and reasonable that not everyone will agree with me professionally and/or will know more than I do; however, when the attacks become personal and are without provocation, that is where I draw the line. Lastly, it sometimes seems arbitrary how these professional and social networking sites impose rules. I had one message on Craig’s List that was posted under “Books – For Sale By Owner” flagged and removed because it was too commercial – really? And on Twitter, people like Guy Kawasaki can post a tweet literally every 1-3 minutes, yet my account gets suspended because I posted one “thank you in advance for reading my book” message [without any links] to 50 or so different book clubs on Twitter. By the way, that same day, I received a direct tweet from one of my followers asking me if I “wanna f*ck?” but apparently, that is allowed.

There are many positive aspects to social and professional networking sites, but there is also a downside and a dark side. Many recent stories about young people committing suicide in large part due to cyber-bullying is one stark example of these negative sides.

My life philosophy and approach is to be kind. It’s just sad when someone with good intentions who strives to be kind while earning an honest living by sharing inspirational writings can be persecuted, attacked, and blocked. So, to answer the question that was posted at the beginning of this post, ‘Yes,’ sometimes I do feel like a cactus, but I am deeply grateful for the handful of people in my life with whom I enjoy genuine, loving relationships who provide enough sustenance to thrive in this harsh environment we call life.

May we all find our way to be kind, accepting, forgiving, and compassionate as we navigate our way through social and professional networks.

If you have ever found yourself asking, “Is this all there is?” or “What is my purpose?” then listen carefully because that inner voice asking those questions is the whisper of your spirit trying to awaken you. Your spirit is always present, guiding you through life and reminding you of lessons yet to be learned. How can you hear and listen to your spirit calling? And how do you respond to this calling? The answer is by Finding Your Way…

Book Description:

Finding Your Way: Lessons from Life serves as a guidebook to navigate the path of life by providing inspirational, insightful, and informative lessons from diverse sources to the reader for the purpose of encouraging, engaging, and empowering you to make the most of yourself and your life.

Building upon her background as a highly experienced Licensed Clinical Psychologist and ordained Interfaith Minister, Dr. Galante uses humor, cultural references, and every day events to enlighten readers about the nature of being human and how to live their lives with meaning and fulfillment.

To start the New Year off well, apply these 22 Laws of Wellness from cancer survivor Greg Anderson:

The Law of Esprit:The joy you feel is life!

The Law of Personal Accountability:If it’s going to be, it’s up to me. – Robert H. Schuller

The Law of Unity:The part can never be well unless the whole is well. – Plato

The Law of Physical Activity:Use it or lose it.

The Law of Nutritional Frugality:A little with quiet is the only diet. – Scottish proverb

The Law of Minimal Medical Invasiveness:The art of medicine is generally a question of time. – Ovid

The Law of Stress-Hardiness:It’s not what happens to you. It’s what you do about it. – W. Mitchell “survivor”

The Law of Emotional Choice:Learning to be aware of feelings… is an essential lifetime skill. – Joan Borysenko (author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind)

The Law of Developmental Motivation:Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. – Henry Van Dyke

The Law of Human Dignity:God created man in His own image. – Genesis

The Law of Win/Win:Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. – The Golden Rule

The Law of Present-Moment Living:Be here now. – Ram Dass

The Law of Mindfulness:The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven. – John Milton

The Law of Creativity:Imagination is the eye of the soul. – Joseph Joubert

The Law of Lifetime Growth:We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden. – Goethe

The Law of Life Mission:He dies every day who lives a lingering life. – Pierrard Poullet

The Law of Purpose Through Service:Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value. – Albert Einstein

The Law of Stewardship:If you want happiness for a lifetime, help the next generation. – Chinese proverb

The Law of Forgiveness:Forgiveness restores our hearts to the innocence that we knew – an innocence that allowed us the freedom to love. – Robin Casarjian (author of Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart)

The Law of Gratitude:Affirm the good things.

The Law of Personal Peace:Without inner peace, it is impossible to have world peace. – The Dalai Lama

The Law of Unconditional Loving:… and the greatest of these is love. – Saint Paul

There is a difference between compromising and settling. In my mind, a compromise is an agreement in which each side gives up some demands or makes concessions without negating one’s own integrity, values, rights, or hopes. The two parties arrive at a figurative place somewhere midway between their two positions without neglecting the things that matter.

Contrastingly, when one settles, one accepts something in place of what is hoped for, requested, or desired and this settling often involves giving up something of great intangible value such as a principle, or one’s integrity, values, rights, or hopes. Don’t settle; don’t sacrifice yourself.

Think of the difference between these two concepts as an analogy from the SAT’s…

Compromise is to settle as assertive is to aggressive.

When a person behaves in an assertive manner, s/he acts in a positive, confident manner that empowers her/him to achieve the result or outcome s/he desires without compromising her/his own or another’s integrity, values, or rights. Whereas, when a person behaves in an aggressive manner, s/he acts in a negative, bullying manner that ultimately disempowers her/him and the other person even if s/he achieves the short-term result or outcome s/he desires because her/his actions violate her/his own or another’s integrity, values, or rights. Being aggressive is not worth it.

In my experience, aggressive people are unassertive and insecure with a limited repertoire in their behavioral bag of tricks from which to choose. Sometimes, if you can reach their hearts or soul, they will see the light and change their ways by expanding their behavioral choices to include kinder, gentler strategies for expressing themselves and achieving desired outcomes. Sadly though, many aggressive people do not have this insight into themselves and they are firmly locked into their behaviors thereby lacking the motivation to change. They’re trapped.

Aggressive bullies who ‘force’ you to settle and who disregard your integrity, values, or rights will only contribute to your unhappiness (and their own). As you find your way in life, do not settle for a bully as a friend, colleague, or partner. Find people who are able to be assertive and who are willing to compromise, for they will contribute to your happiness by respecting your integrity, values, rights, hopes, and dreams.

In 1943, a young psychologist attempted to explain what motivates humans to act. He believed that human motivations could be categorized into two basic groups; first a motivation to act in order to replenish a deficiency and second, a motivation to act in order to grow. His name was Abraham Maslow and his theory came to be known as Maslow’s’ Hierarchy of Needs.

According to Maslow, humans will focus their attention and intention upon the growth needs if and only if the deficiency needs have been satisfied. First things first, so to speak.

After basic physiological needs such as the need for air, food, water are secure, when one’s survival is no longer an issue, and that person feels loved and valued for who they are, then s/he may begin to focus on developing her/his cognitive abilities and satisfy the ‘need’ to know, to understand, and explore; satisfy the ‘need’ to experience aesthetics – symmetry, order, and beauty; pursue self-fulfillment and realize one’s potential by becoming self-actualized. In later years, Maslow added another level to his hierarchy, the ‘need’ to connect with something that is beyond one’s personal ego as well as to help others find their way to self-fulfillment, which is the highest desire and highest good known as self-transcendence.

Transcendence is a state of being or existence above and beyond the limits of material experience, beyond the limits of emotions and usual understanding; to exceed beyond the ordinary.

For those of us on a spiritual path to enlightenment and transcendence, it can be a kind of ‘living Hell’ to get stuck at a ‘lower level’ and feel stifled in our life progression. When this happens, how do we get ourselves unstuck?

The only answer is by faith, hope, and persistence. You just have to believe that there is cohesiveness and a purpose to your life and that if you persist in your desires, then you will transcend your current situation, state of being, and level of ‘need.’

I believe that as one progresses up the pyramid, the motivation to achieve becomes greater. As each level of ‘need’ is satisfied, people’s sense of mastery becomes stronger spurring them on to higher goals. As people get nearer to the top, the motivation becomes so strong and their sense of mastery so certain, that it can be temporarily devastating to get stuck and become frustrated by not being able to achieve that next highest level.

Having been there myself, I firmly believe that in the end, it is only our own selves that hold us back. In part, it may be remnants of ego that get in the way; but more likely, it is negative self-talk and all of the “I cant’s” and “I don’t want to’s” that become our greatest obstacles.

That which we resist, persists. That which we give energy to, will grow. So, the way to overcome these self-induced obstacles is to let go, go with the flow, be accepting, and focus your energy, attention, and intent on what you want rather than what you do not.

Believe me, this is easier said than done, yet it is how you and I will find our way to salvation and transcendence.

I hope we all find our way to the top of the pyramid.

I’m gonna make it by any means, I got a pocketful of dreamsBaby, I’m from New YorkConcrete jungle where dreams are made of – There’s nothing you can’t doNow you’re in New YorkThese streets will make you feel brand newBig lights will inspire youLet’s hear it for New York, New York, New York!