How does metal affect your relationships? (June 2003)

I am Metal, You are Metal, He is Metal, She is
Metal, wouldn't you like to be Metal, too?By Ice Maiden

At first blush, when presented with the question of "How does
metal affect your relationships?" my reaction was - it doesn't.
And, with respect to my interactions with people who don't see me in
"metal garb" and who don't really know me, metal doesn't
affect the relationship. However, after thinking about the question for
a bit, I realized that metal DOES affects most of my relationships,
especially my significant relationships, in different ways.

With people who aren't into metal and who are open-minded, I find
that the fact that I am passionate about something about which they
aren't familiar serves to open up discussions and dialogues. I've talked
with different types of folks, from young to old, from neighbors to
clients, about my love of metal, and they always listen with interest
and ask questions. They, in turn, will often open up about something
that they enjoy that isn't completely mainstream-maybe a love of science
fiction books, or gun collecting, or ballooning. Realizing that you
share a passion for something, even if it isn't the same thing, opens
people up and takes communication to a different level. It also makes
people realize that they may need to re-evaluate their preconceptions of
you.

My love of metal has introduced me to some of my closest friends.
Through posting on metal message boards, I made friends with many people
who turned out to live in my city, but who I probably never would have
met if it wasn't for the fact that we share this same interest. In
addition to the fact that we can get together and just listen to music
we all love, or go to metal shows together, we've now traveled around
the world together, taken German classes together, gone to operas
together, and helped each other through times of personal turmoil. My
local metal crew are all very different types of people-in age,
socioeconomic and education levels, backgrounds, etc. The one thing that
we all share, and which seems to transcend and reduce the importance of
those differences, is our passion for metal. It isn't that all of my
friends are into metal-in fact, most of them are not. But my love of
metal has given me friends, both locally and internationally, whom I
value and would not otherwise have come to know. The world of metal is
not small, and it is not uncommon for me to be in a city on the other
side of the continent at a metal show and run into someone I somehow
know.

In terms of a spouse or boyfriend, my preference is that my
significant other love metal. Not because I think that people have to
love metal to have value or depth-no, they have to love SOMETHING to
understand having a passion, but that something doesn't have to be
metal. But there is value in sharing fundamental common interests with
your significant other. Practically speaking, I like taking vacations
that in some way revolve around attending metal shows. Since I'd like to
take vacations with my significant other, it helps if he also wants to
attend those same shows. More importantly, however, anyone who truly
loves metal has had that moment, standing at a concert, when things are
just PERFECT and you literally are transported. I'd like to share those
moments with the person I share my life with, and have them actually
understand and share the feeling. Having my significant other understand
metal just makes him more equipped to understand me.

I won't hate you if you don't like metal, but I
doubt we'll be buddies...by EvilG

As I've said before, heavy metal is pretty much the one thing in my
life that I am obsessed with. I don't watch sports, so I don't relate to
the ranting about "last night's game". I don't watch shitty TV
like Survivor, or those other reality based bullshit shows that people
are crazed about lately, so when people start talking about "who
was voted off butt-fuck island last night" I have nothing to say besides
"why do you watch that shit?" I am not into "getting
wasted", so I don't hang with people who's sole form of
entertainment is waiting for the weekend to see how many beers (or
whatever gay substance they use) they can take before they pass out.
People relate to one another based on common interests. When my common
interests are so far removed from so many others, it's not easy to find
many serious friends.

I do have some non-metal interests, but they are limited. Most of the
books I read are not something anyone else is reading...at least no one
I've met reads the books I do. I do like a lot of movies, so often when
a conversation with a "non-metal" person turns to that topic I
wake up, especially if it's movies that are sci-fi, war, fantasy, or
horror.

When I was in high school I had a lot more friends since there was a
group of us who liked metal. We all hung around together and people
thought we were some sort of satanic horde....those bastards!! May their
suffering be legendary, even in hell! Ha!

As I've grown older, free time is unfortunately more and more of a
luxury. I wish I had more free time to do other things, but with free
time being in short supply, I can only partake in those things that are
the most important to me. Today, my closest friends are all into metal,
each to varying degrees of course. When you become an old goat like me
and you work 9-5, it's not like life leaves you with a load of time to
devote to several interests...unless you have casual interests in
several things. When you are obsessed, evenings and weekends hardly
leave you with enough time to devote to much besides what makes you
happy.

If I try to look at my interests from an outsiders point of view, I
can see why people who are not into metal wouldn't find much to talk to
me about. I look the part of a metalhead with the long hair etc. I wear
metal shirts every other day, dress in black 99% of the time. It's not
like I'm "trying" to be this way, it's just who I am now. I
listen to metal in the car, at work when I can, at home when I can. I
play guitar, jam with other metal minded people, etc...so where do I
have the time to do anything else un-metal or relate to someone who is
not metal?

As for romantic relationships, thank the metal gods I have a woman
who is also into metal! She's nowhere near as obsessed as myself, but
she likes many of the same bands as me. She never asks me to turn off
metal (maybe some death metal that's too insane for her tastes haha),
she never tells me to cut my hair or dress "nicely", she never
tells me that I'm stuck in the past or whatever other negative comments
other metalheads have to put up with. So I count myself as very lucky in
that department. I can't imagine having a romantic relationship with
someone not into metal to some degree. If I was nagged to "turn
that shit off", or questioned about "how can you listen to
that noise", or "why don't you cut your hair?" - I'd lose
my mind and feel more like beheading them rather than loving them!! And
on the flipside, If they had to deal with me saying stuff like
"turn off that fucking pop radio garbage", then I'm sure the relationship
would not get too far as I'd have them driven to madness with complaints
pretty quickly.

So there you have it, a brief glance into my world and why all my
meaningful relationships are with those who are also into metal.

On the whole, metal has been pretty positive in my relationships.
It's brought me together with people, and also served as a common bond
in existing relationships.

Given a choice I'd prefer to date a metalhead. While liking metal
isn't an absolute requirement, metal is such an ingrained and important
part of my personality that it seems unlikely I'd find a strong bond
with a woman who didn't understand me on that level. Plus, a shared
interest always strengthens a relationship. With another metalhead
there's always something to talk about, new CDs to try out, and places
you can go (record stores, concerts, Wacken, etc.) to do things
together. That's what I like doing in a relationship, so someone who's
into metal is a definite plus. Also, since I find the metal
"look" attractive, chances are better that I'd be attracted to
a fellow metal lover than I would some random person.

I've dated non-metalheads. A girl I went with for a few months wasn't
into metal, but she tolerated my love for it and was eventually curious
about it. I took her to a Megadeth concert one time, and she enjoyed it
more than she thought she would. Another time I dated someone who wasn't
into metal, and we just never talked about it, although she did mention
a few times that she thought I was "stuck in the '80s."
However, my most meaningful relationships have been with women who also
like metal, or at least have some background in it, even if it was a
long time ago.

I think it's less a question of metalheads dating non-metalheads than
it is a matter of interests. If two people have a lot of common
interests and they connect on a pretty substantial level, but that
doesn't happen to include music, I don't see that as being much
different than two metalheads who share that interest and understand
each other. It's all a question of compatibility. Maybe it's more likely
than not that I'd be compatible on a long-term basis with another
metalhead; I just don't know.

How does metal affect your relationships?By JP

Interesting topic! I suppose some regular readers might expect a
long-winded dissertation on the nature of metal and relationships but in
this instance I don't have much to say. The reason being is that metal
does not, oddly enough, affect my relationships! Manowar put it best.
"If you're not into metal, you are not my friend!"

Seriously though…

My parents think it is an odd phase and probably
hope, deep-down that I will grow out of it!

My brothers just think I'm stuck in the 80's and
make fun of me on occasion. That's what brothers do. But they buy me
music store gift certificates like clockwork every Christmas and
birthday without fail.

My non-metal friends think of it as a mildly
eccentric personality trait but enjoy my enthusiasm for metal even
they don't share the same enjoyment of the music.

Grave Digger makes my two year-old daughter cry and
tells me some of my music is 'noisy'.

My 'metal' friends probably think I'm obsessed and
get mildly annoyed when I constantly force them to listen to new
bands, but being good guys, they never complain and allow me to
indulge my obsession.

My peers respect and admire my accomplishments (at
least, I hope so!) Oddly enough there was one instance when a fellow
metal fan and friend suggested I was 'immature' because I listened
to Judas Priest and that my opinions were invalid because I happen
to enjoy Yngwie J. Malmsteen. However, I didn't let his ignorance
affect the friendship, but in retrospect, I suppose I could have.
However, if he were not a long-time friend (if I had just met him
for example) I would probably not associate with him for holding and
expressing such ignorant attitudes. But that is an extremely rare
and isolated example. I forgave him.

My wife. Ahhh yes, my darling wife of many years.
Well, she knew what she was getting into and has accepted it for
better or for worse. She has fun with it. When I listen to Trixter
she laughs at me and says I'm listening to 'fluffy-bunny metal' and
will tell all my friends. When I listen to Bathory she says it is
the worst crap she has ever heard and turn it down or you will wake
up the baby. However, without her love and support I would not be
where I am today. In fact, she has mastered the art of tuning out my
long-winded and ultimately useless diatribes about metal, but still
nodding supportively at the appropriate time. Eg. "Yes, dear,
it really is a shame that there is typo on the Japanese, 1999,
digi-pak re-issue of the Savatage's Greatest Hits CD. Tragic.
Really. My heart bleeds for you. Go mow the lawn."

Overall, I live a normal life. I have short hair! I have a large
circle of friends who don't even really know I'm into music. I play
sports, do volunteer work hard, play hard and do my best. My friends and
family accept that. Metal just happens to be the soundtrack of my life.
The secret is to develop other interests, keep the volume low when
others are around, and don't tell your Grandmother that you are a
Cannibal Corpse fan or you will get cut from the will.

So in a sense the opening quote by Manowar holds true. If you are
going to judge me by something as ludicrous and trivial as musical
preference, well then, you are probably not the kind of person I want to
associate with and are probably not my friend. I generally don't
associate with those types of judgmental people so my original comment
holds; Metal doesn't affect my relationships.

How does metal affect your relationships?By Rick

I will make one unequivocal statement before we start. Metal is one
of the most important things in my life and one of the things that
define me. I am a metalhead. Plain and simple. Does metal affect my
relationships? Of course it does but since I consider metal an integral
part of who I am its all part of the package that is me. The
relationships that I have with my family are no different than those of
anyone else. To them, being metal is as much a part of me as anything
else. It hardly comes in to play in that relationship at all. Same goes
for the relationship I have with my better half. I was a metalhead
before I met her and I am sure in some small way that is one of the
reasons we are together. She is not a metalhead but is one of those
people that understands that it is part of who I am. Colouring on the
palette of life experience. Not just something that can be exorcised and
sent on its way because she doesn’t like the new Voi Vod CD that I
have been spinning lately.

As for the relationships that I have with my coworkers, metal rarely
affects any relationship that I have. They can either accept what I am
and the things that I do and listen to or they won’t. Which leads me
to one of the only ways that metal affects any relationship that I would
have. I cold never have a relationship with anyone in any capacity that
thinks less of me because of being a metalhead. To me that would be as
bad as hating me because I had brown eyes or black hair. Why would I
waste my time with a person that can’t accept me for what I am? Life
is too short for that.

How does metal affect your relationships?By Maureen McQueeney

When it comes to doing any WRITING for Metal-Rules, I usually run the
other way. But when the staff chose the topic for this months "From
Hell's Heart", I thought I'd give it a try. "How does metal
affect your relationships"....

Since I was a teen, I loved Heavy Metal. Not really the metal that
seems to be so popular today -- Power, Black, Death, etc.. but the
traditional "bang your head" genre. My walls were plastered in
Motley Crue, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and the like. My mother never
really said too much, she was cool about letting me express myself as I
chose, but the day I walked out of my bedroom with the concert-T I
bought the night before.. WASP -- I FUCK LIKE A BEAST! She just about
died!! The way the neighbors always looked at me, the way the kids at
school treated me, it was pretty cruel at times. I was always dressed in
black, leopard, or tiger skin garb, skull earrings and spikes around my
wrists. It definitely caused me to stand out amongst the rest. So the
few of us that loved the music hung together pretty tightly and would do
just about anything for one another. So, I guess if I look back on the
actual relation ships I had -- the music gave us an unbreakable bond. I
still spend time with my High School "head-banging" partner in
crime. We're both parents now with careers and responsibilities but when
a band that was at the top of our list comes around... we drop all that
adult BS and head out the door!!

As an adult.. things change. I don't dress "metal" anymore
but my love for the music still seems to get around. Maybe it's because
the volume on my pc at work is high?!? :o) I started a corporate job
last September and things on the outside appeared to be very yuppie and
trendy... but when a few people over heard me on the phone (that happens
in such tight spaces) that I was going to DIO, a handful of closet
metalheads came out of there offices to talk to me -- including the
Director, Senior and Executive VP's!! Because of that, I was able to
build more of a personal relationship with them instead of being just
one of many faces of the "little people". Within a few months,
a position opened in my department that would normally be for a college
graduate or paralegal, but the SVP called me in her office and offered
me the position. She went right over my bosses head and came to me
direct. (Boy, was he pissed) I mean, I work hard, have a good work ethic
and deserved the promotion but so do a lot of others. Sometimes it's
hard to be seen in such a large environment. I definitely believe that
Metal gave my career a very nice jump start!!

When it comes to romantic relationships.. I used to think it was
crucial for my significant other to love what I loved. However, I've
changed that point of view. It's still important that he love MUSIC, but
for it to be metal is not that important. Sure!! It would kick ass to
have a partner who loved what I did, but there are so many more
important factors involved. If a guy works hard, is good to his/my
children, honest, caring, etc... that's good enough for me. I don't want
a man just because he's "metal".

As a part of Metal-Rules.. I have met a few really great people and
have built a couple of solid friendships. Friendships, that I believe
will last a lifetime. One of those is all about the metal... He just
can't help himself!! He's metal to the core and I wouldn't have it any
other way! The other...we may have met through here but our friendship
is hardly about the metal. We actually joke about it quite a bit. We say
things like.. "You are so fucking metal!" or "Are you
metal enough?" It makes for some really good laughs. But, our
friendship is more about "life".

So there you have it. Metal has definitely had it's "cause &
effect" on every relationship I did/didn't have. Both pain and joy
at different times in my life. Would I ever change it? Not a chance...
\m/ .... METAL-RULES!!!