The Calendar of Postiness

Man Versus All The Nature He Sees: The Series

July 6, 2007 — The Luigiian

Hello, I’m Nick Chucklesworth, and I’m a trained former member of the Marines. Today on Man Versus Nature we’re going to see how many animals we can piss off, how many random cliffs we can jump off of and whether or not we can make you, our viewer, think that I’m alone, fighting for my life in Nature, instead of being surrounded by cameramen with massive flashbulbs and video cameras. Let’s begin.

Today, we’re going to be venturing across Dead Man’s Chasm, a region known for the fact that anything and everything that attempts to cross it dies a horrible, painful death. This sounds easy for me, a trained former member of the Marines, and so I’m going to do everything I can as stupidly as possible.

(Long pause)

All right, now we’re beginning to head towards our campsite for the night, and as you can see, I’ve found a rattlesnake here in the bushes. Now, it’s coiled and it appears pissed off, and you know what that means! I’m going to throw a rock at it!

(He throws the rock, after which the snake bites him right in the stomach, followed by horrible screaming noises and retching. A doctor on the scene immediately administers antivenom, as our man Nick continues cursing.)

All right, now that we’ve done that, I’ve got some food for the night, because, man, I’m hungry. Usually, I’m afraid of snakes, but now that I’ve killed it with that tranquilizer dart, it’s time to cut the snake’s head off and get the skin off so I can eat it. This is clearly going to be delicious, and I hate this little demon very much.

(At that moment, the tranquilizer wears off, and the snake bites him again, this time in the groin, followed by horrible screaming noises and retching. A doctor on the scene immediately administers antivenom, as Nick continues cursing, and leaves the scene rolling his eyes and shaking his head.)

OK, now that I’ve killed the little effer with a rock and put on a jockstrap, it’s time to partake of the snake. It’s a wonderful meal, and you can immediately tell it’s done because you can pull the meat right off and it tastes like chicken. (He tentatively takes a piece off and puts it in his mouth.) Oh yeah!

(Cut to nightfall. Nick is shivering in a tent reminiscent of the Blair Witch Project, with a scared look on his face.)

Oh shit! It looks like there’s probably a bear outside of our tent!

(A squirrel can be seen scurrying just outside of the tent.)

It’s probably because my cameramen put their food scraps too close to cam… I mean, it’s probably looking for food. You know, bears love to kill humans, just like all animals like to. I’ve heard horrible stories about entire packs of bears and wolves merging en masse to random people’s tents for no other reason than to rip their scalps off and eat them. So I think it’s time to venture off into the forest to look for some bears to piss off. Extra points if we can find an entire wolf pack! We might be able to steal some deer carcass and really piss some animals off!

(Cut to Nick running through the forest in his underwear followed by television cameras.)

All right, now it’s clear to me that this is the right thing to do, running through the forest like this. But I think it’s time I really started to look for animals. So I think I’m going to get a bath now.

(He strips off his underwear and proceeds to the nearest cliff, which plunges forty feet to the water below.)

Now, this is a dangerous jump for most people, but because I’m a trained former Marine, I should be able to make it. You gotta jump just right, and of course, it’s freezing ass cold and if you hit the rocks and break your legs you’ll die. Let’s give this a shot!

(He jumps, followed by a horrible crunching sound and cursing from forty feet below.)

Shit! Now that’s something bad! Look at that! The bone is sticking out of my thigh!

(The doctor cleans the wounds, puts the bone back in place, bandages the wound, puts it in a cast, and smacks Nick across the back of his head. He goes offscreen mumbling to himself.)

Okay, now I’ve taken my bath, and after a few weeks of recuperation at the local hospital, I’m ready to try my luck again at finding animals. For example, fish, and I’m feeling hungry, so I’m going to use a spear made from this cattail stem to get fish. Just kidding! I’m going to try to grab them with my bare hands!

(He starts randomly grabbing at water, until he finally catches a fish. It’s a barracuda.)

All right! Now, you can eat fish like this raw, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do!

(He bites the fish right in its back, and get this, the fish bites him in the face.)

Oh shit! The fish has bitten me in the face!

(The doctor slaps him again, and bandages his face. He walks offscreen cursing.)

All right, now that I’ve eaten some delicious barracuda, it’s time to search for either a bear or a wolf. Oh look! There’s a bear! Right over there!

(He points at a bear cub.)

Oh! This is perfect! He has a fish! I’m going to try to steal the fish from this bear cub!

(He begins to get up close to the bear cub, and tries to snatch the fish from the little bear, after which the bear begins to whine, and a huge shadow appears onscreen. Nick looks up.)

Oh shit! It’s a

(And a bear mauls him in a fit of screaming and cursing and growling.)

Okay, folks! Now as you can see, the fine staff at Santa Muerte Medical Center are now treating my wounds, and doing so well! For example, just take a look at this good, high quality body cast. And though I lost several fingers and at least one testicle, it appears that I’ll survive my ordeal with nature. My survival is a wondrous example of nature’s raw power, its majesty, it’s beauty. And just next week, we’ll be going to a wolf den to see what happens when you try for your ultimate role as Alpha Wolf of the pack! See you soon!