Am I even standing? And if I am, then where am I? Honestly at the moment I just don’t know….

In the last few months I’ve been on a deep personal learning curve. I’ve wanted to get off this roller coaster many many times but, I’ve had to do it and, it’s been hard. Emotionally I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train. Twice. But importantly, I’ve proved I’m so much stronger than I both think and give myself credit for. Now I just need to start believing in myself a bit more. I guess maybe that comes with time? Maybe….

So instead of posting a poem or thought like usual I wanted to ask you a question. Or maybe I just wanted to voice my question out in the open and then answer it myself? Either way it goes…. Here we go….

Do you believe in your dreams? When you dream do you listen to them? Do you question them?

I believe that my dreams are my conscience (is that the right word?) telling me whats going on. My inner self, my brain, my instincts, My gut, whatever you want to call it, sorting out the crap and showing me what I’m not seeing, warning me. Well, if I’m right then something not good is gonna happen if I don’t change either my ways? Way of thinking? Or what I’m doing?

So People that have read my page a lot have read that I’ve been in care, that my “real” parents are well, we’ll leave that blank. Really they should have both gone to prison but they didn’t, and even though I was 6 at the time, I still feel to blame for that. But that’s not what I want to talk about, this is….

I’ve been dreaming about standing in my mothers upstairs hallway, it’s only small, my brothers bedroom door is behind me, but I know he’s not in there. All the doors are closed. I’m standing in line with my mothers door and can see the bathroom door directly in front of me, with my room in front and to the right and stairs to the left. I see it from a child s perspective but, I am grown up in my dream. What gets me and, inevitably wakes me, is the sheer terror I feel. My eyes bouncing between the door handles and the stairs, knowing if I was caught out of my room the pain would be unbearable, and knowing it was bad enough if it was her that caught me but what if it was him? I’m desperate for the toilet in my dream but I dare not touch that door. I can’t move, my insides are a puddle, I know which floorboards to walk on and which not to. Someones coming and for some reason I don’t know where they are coming from. It’s like they are in stealth mode, ninja quiet, so silent getting ready for the kill shot. And I am nothing but a bunny rabbit caught in their headlights, a deer in their cross hairs. Waiting, heart beating a crescendo, so fast I don’t think it can go any faster, so loud I’m sure they can hear it. I can hear their breath but still can’t work out where it’s coming from. I can feel their laughter at this game of cat and mouse. I can hear the click of the gun as they take aim. I hear them pause at they factor in wind and movement. And I know I’m being lined up for the fall. The shot. Terror builds in me, a silent scream clawing to get out. My whole body screaming run. But I can’t, and just before it happens, I awaken. The scream still trapped in my throat, drenched in sweat, struggling to breathe. The problem with this dream is I’m pretty sure it’s my minds way of telling me that I need to remove myself from something before I “get shot”. It’s used something that will truly terrify me as its basis to show me. Slowly so very slowly, I think I’ve got it down to 2 things and, if it is one of those that my inner self is saying get away from? Then for once I just can’t listen, I always listen to my gut/dreams/instincts call it what you will but this time? All I can say is, if it is one of these two things….

Line up your shot assassin, I’m standing here…. Line it up assassin, I’m dead in your cross hairs….

I’ve been having one of those weeks, well a bit longer than a week, where nothing seems right. I’m happy (I think), I smile a lot but, the smile’s not hitting my eyes ( so I’m told ), how does a smile hit your eyes? Hmmmm? Whatever, I guess I’m just feeling a little down and moody and stressy <- is that a word? and grouchy. yeah that kinda describes me…. I was looking for something just to give me a kick and inspire me and, I found it in the following words….

This is by The Haunted Lullaby and is, for me, very inspirational. Hopefully it inspires you to….

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I’ve:

– been a victim of physical abuse
– been a victim of mental and psychological abuse
– been kicked out of my own home – twice in fact – and including on my 17th birthday
– been betrayed by individuals whom I trusted and called family
– been divorced
– had a gun pulled on me twice
– defeated an anger problem – admitting I have a disease and it is something I will have to live with and work to control the rest of my life
– watched myself completely bottom out in late 2011 and early 2012 – watching everything I ever wanted go up in flames in a matter of six months
– seriously considered committing suicide in the time frame mentioned above because I saw no out, no means to continue, and no reasons to continue. Not only did I feel like I had nothing but I felt like nothing.

And, each time I’ve fallen, I’ve picked myself up and pulled it together. Then I fall. Again. And, again. And, again. But each time I fall, I get back up. Somehow. Someway. It wasn’t God. It wasn’t Jesus. It wasn’t my family. It wasn’t my friends. It was me.

I’ve sat and suffered in silence. I’ve gone to bed with a knife under my pillow – worried that I would be killed during the middle of the night. I’ve cried. I’ve begged. I’ve bargained. I’ve pleaded. I’ve screamed. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’ve blamed others. I’ve lashed out in anger. I’ve asked “why”.

There is no “why”. This is the life I have. These are the cards I’ve been dealt. It just “is”. I’m not being rewarded. I’m not being punished. I’ve had a lot of damage inflicted on me. I’ve inflicted a lot of damage on myself. I’ve likely inflicted damage on others.

Someone very close to me told me that bad things happen to me because “life knows I am strong enough to take it”. While very poignant and admirable, I can’t imagine it is true. We all go through trials and tribulations. How we choose to deal with them is what builds character. I’m not a quitter. I’m not a complainer. I don’t make excuses. I make mistakes but I learn and grow from them. I falter and I struggle, daily, and I will fail and I will fall. But, I will never stay down. I will get back up and I will do it for myself.

I have the right tools. I have the right mindset. I can build bridges even if they have been destroyed before. I can’t change the past but I can change the present and the future. Specifically, I can change my present and my future. It can be what I want it to be.

I can be a victim of whatever I want – abuse, society, unfairness, others. It is an easy route. But, I refuse. I am a victim of no one and nothing. Am I a survivor? Sure, but anyone living is a survivor. That’s not good enough and way too clichéd. I am more. I am a proponent – for hope, for dreams, for courage, for integrity, for honesty, for character, for rebuilding, for improvement, for forgiveness, and most importantly, for growth.

To you, the reader: Don’t wait for tomorrow. There may not be a tomorrow. Don’t rely on others. Use your own power to light your way.

Find the will. Find the courage. Find the strength. Find a way.

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I re posted the bit that inspires me most but, to read his full post here is the link…. http://thehauntedlullaby.com/2014/03/04/victim-of-nothing/

We all have a song for the moment…. A song that says how we’re feeling for maybe the hour or day or we might be having just one of those months and a particular song expresses it better than we can….

My song for the moment is currently Nickelback “Trying not to love you”

I’m gonna leave you a little of the lyrics and, because I doubt I’ll post tomorrow. I’m gonna leave you all a wish for a relaxing, happy weekend full of people and places that make you happy.x.

“But if there’s a pill to help me forget,God knows I haven’t found it yetBut I’m dying to, God I’m trying to

‘Cause trying not to love you, only goes so farAnd trying not to need you, is tearing me apartCan’t see the silver lining, from down here on the floorAnd I just keep on trying, but I don’t know what for‘Cause trying not to love youOnly makes me love you more”