So You Have to Drag an Inebriated Gopher Home from Dinkytown

Dinkytown on a weekend night is a magical place full of discarded beer cans, shattered glass, and the hormone-fueled exploits of exhausted students. But what if a cherished U friend has succumbed to the cries of their liver on the floor of Blarney’s Pub and Grill, and have lost the motor control necessary to walk like a human being? Here’s how, in your infinite kindness, you can navigate an inebriated Gopher safely home, where they can pass out in the entryway in a pool of tears and vomit.

7.) Stay calm:
Take a couple deep breaths. You are in your zone here. Try meditating, then worry that you’re cultural appropriating or something. You’ve known this idiot for long enough to trust your instincts on this one. Except don’t, just listen to the rest of these tips first. Seriously, what were you thinking, you wouldn’t be reading this if you knew what the fuck you were doing.

6.) Ask them about themselves:
People like talking about themselves. Drunk people like talking about themselves a lot. Ask them deep questions, to distract them from the task of walking. How is their sex life? What’s their darkest secret? These are good starter questions for drunk people, and you can intensify from there if the questions aren’t engaging enough. If they start crying, you’re making good progress; this means that they trust you deeply.

5.) Take their shoes:
Now bear with us here. Drunk people have a deep propensity for wandering off if given half an opportunity. If their shoes are taken, they will be disinclined to walk amongst the literal garbage covering the Dinky lawns and sidewalks that could serve as their avenues of escape from your kindness. You may piggyback them if you desire; fashioning a movable system of pulleys to carry them is also acceptable for those with more of an engineering bend.

4.) Sing to them:
Much like the woodland animals in a Disney movie, the inebriated Gopher is drawn to music from a beautiful person. It’s a relief you are here for them. Don’t worry if you aren’t the most gifted singer, karaoke nights at Coffman have revealed that the drunker the person, the lower their standards for singing. Just make sure that you beat off other gathered drunks with your sober stick.

3.) Bring your sober stick:
Generally made of fine oak wood and ranging from 3 to 6 feet long, your sober stick is the pole with which you will beat off anyone getting within swinging distance. You can’t be too careful. Slapping the shins is also a good trick for edging your captive drunk onwards when they begin to complain about the broken beer bottles cutting into their bare feet. They’re Gophers, they’re used to this kind of abuse.

2.) Tell them they are the father/mother of a fictitious child:
This is a great way to stop them from crying from your prying personal questions, vicious shin beatings, and obnoxious singing, and instead cry because of the imminent responsibilities of fake parenthood. You may have to let them have a couple more beers to get them in the mood to raise a fictional child. If they do not believe you, this is an excellent sign that they have been lying this whole time and that they aren’t actually drunk. A couple more whacks will punish their transgression as you near their place of residence.

1.) Pat yourself on the back as you shove them into their abode:
You’ve successfully escorted your friend back from Dinky, and this may be the trickiest part for some. Not everyone is flexible enough to reach their backs with their full hands, and that drunk asshole isn’t going to pat you on the back until they come to, so you may need to dislocate your arm to properly pat yourself if you aren’t flexible enough. Shove them into their entryway and feel all warm inside for being such a good friend. Good job, upstanding citizen.

And with these tricks of the trade, we’ve done this before, trust us, you should get your Gopher home in one piece!