Of course there's going to be a Hong Kong Phooey film. And of course it'll blend CGI with live-action comedy. And of course Eddie Murphy will provide the voice of Hong Kong Phooey. Of course all of that will happen. Hollywood loves plundering old cartoons for ideas and, now that Shrek has finished, Eddie Murphy needs some voiceover work to stop him making a Norbit sequel. This was always going to happen. There's no point fighting it.

But there's a problem. Even in its original form, Hong Kong Phooey was rubbish. The scripts were stale, the animation was jerky and every episode was basically identical. They only made 16 episodes for a reason. The sheen of irony and misplaced nostalgia might have buoyed its reputation in recent years, but the fact is that Hong Kong Phooey was never anything more than a footnote in the story of Hanna-Barbera.

That's worrying. Hollywood has so far made hundreds of millions of dollars by taking beloved cartoon characters from the past and turning them into grotesquely scatological wisecrackers in horrible baseball caps to the total dismay of everyone over the age of 25. But now the well is running dry.

To make new films about popular characters such as Scooby Doo, Garfield, Yogi Bear and Alvin and the Chipmunks is one thing, but Marmaduke? The tedious 57-year-old newspaper comic strip? Who could have possibly wanted to sit through a film about that? As for The Smurfs, it's a sad day when Hollywood has to turn to Belgium for inspiration. And now an also-ran such as Hong Kong Phooey is getting his own film. This should be perceived as nothing but a stark warning sign. Could the film industry be running out of ways to molest your happy childhood for money?

Well, don't worry. I've located a few more pockets of innocent memories that Hollywood hasn't trampled over, and I shall now present them to you along with suggestions on how to update them in the most unnecessarily offensive – and therefore lucrative – way possible:

Bagpuss

Old people might love Oliver Postgate's creation, but it hardly speaks to kids any more. That's why he needs to be drastically reimagined in Bagpuzz: Puzz It Real Good, where Bagpuss (now called Bagpuzz because the letter Z is cooler than the letter S) and his new sidekick MC Boompow Giraffe (voiced by Dr Dre) take a break from their jetset careers as millionaire R&B stars to go surfing on the moon or whatever.

The Moomins

The problem with the Moomins is how creepy it was. There was too much silence, Snufkin looked like a paedophile and the Moomins themselves were expressionless monstrosities. This will be remedied with Boomin' Moominz, a new CGI/live-action reimagining set in a disco that only plays Justin Bieber songs. Snufkin has been replaced with Katy Perry in a purple bikini and all the Moomins have mouths so they can do those weird little half-smirks that the kids seem to love so much. Oh, and also they're probably all rappers now.

Rosie & Jim

Who wants to watch Rosie & Jim, a gently paced TV show about a couple of raggedy old accordion-playing puppets chugging around Birmingham on a canal boat with the man who invented Postman Pat? Nobody, that's who. But who wants to watch Rozie N Blam, a kick-ass film about a couple of anatomically suggestive CGI rock stars riding around Detroit on motorbikes with the Jonas Brothers or something? That's right – your kids do.

Poddington Peas

On paper The Poddington Peas are perfect for a CGI makeover – they're already just as small and annoying as Smurfs or Chipmunks. However, there's still room for improvement, namely by hiring the Black Eyed Peas to do the music. And most of the voices. And all the characters could look exactly like them, too. Essentially, this would be a film about Will.I.Am living in someone's garden, infuriating everyone with his stupid clothes and terrible ideas. It's a winner.