Jackson, MS is holding a special mayoral election in light of February’s passing of mayor Chokwe Lumumba. It’s actually been uplifting to see so many young, qualified people stepping up to lead the city into its future, carrying on Lumumba’s legacy.

Gwendolyn Chapman is not one of those people.

She’s running for mayor on a platform of legalizing weed to boost the economy. Also, the vapors from weed will save us from nuclear holocaust. Because God is good, we also get a full transcript courtesy of WAPT, which is golden.

“GOOD DAY. MY NAME IS GWENDOLYN WARD OSBOURNE CHAPMAN, MAYOR CANDIDATE. MY MOTTO IS MOVE THE CHANGE FORWARD, TO A ONE LOVE. MY PLATFORM IS TO BUILD AND MAINTAIN A STRONG ECONOMIC FOUNDATION FOR THE PURPOSE OF FAMILYHOOD AND UNITY TO BE CREATED IN OUR COLLECTIVE WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY TOWARD KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM AND LOVE. THE REASON I KNOW I’M THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THIS MAYORTORIAL RACE IS, WELL I’LL LET YOU ALL DECIDE THAT AT THE POLLS, IS BECAUSE I HAVE A PERFECT FINANCIAL, ECONOMIC PLAN. THE UNITED STATES SPENDS OVER A TRILLION DOLLARS A YEAR ON PRODUCTS MADE OF INDUSTRIAL HEMP. MISSISSIPPI IS AN AGRICULTURAL STATE. WE HAVE THE CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO TAKE THAT SAME PRODUCT THAT THE UNITED STATES SPENDS OVER IN CHINA, UK AND OTHER COUNTRIES. WE CAN USE THAT MONEY. SO WHEN YOU GO TO THE POLLS AND VOTE, VOTE GWEN WARD OSBOURNE CHAPMAN BECAUSE THE CANNABIS IS MADE OF COTTON, CORN. IT’S MADE OF PETROLEUM. IT’S MADE OF ALL THAT YOU CAN NAME OF AND THEN THE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT IT IS IF THERE WAS TO BE A NUCLEAR WARFARE THIS PLANT WOULD DISSOLVE RADIATION… AND REPEL IT. VOTE GWEN WARD OSBOURNE CHAPMAN FOR MAYOR AND LET’S RISE FROM THE BOTTOM TO THE TOP. THANK YOU.”

That’s exactly what she says, except all the words are pronounced differently.

I don’t know about you guys, but give me a Gwendolyn Osbourne Chapman/Quinton Brown ticket for 2016 and take it straight to Capital Hill!