Friday, July 12, 2013

How Valerie Crushes Being a Mom

Parenthood is a strange contract. It’s like signing up for a sport you’ve never
played before and hoping you’ll be good at it.

Valerie is, as it turns out, a natural.Of course, it’s hard to word exactly what
she’s doing.It’s the way she goes to
Edie and seems to know what she wants.The way Edie leans into her.The
way she can put her to bed and Edie feels safer because she’s doing it.

When I grow up, I want to be a good parent like Valerie.

Here’s a few things I can share though.Some of the noticeable moments that are choices and not just organic nurture.

VALERIE CHANGES THE CHARACTERS OF EDIE’S BOOKS INTO GIRLS

Not all the time.But
where she can.I like this.I like watching her make Edie into the hero
of the things she reads.I’m so used to
being a boy.Seeing the male image
dominate my media.But Val is wrestling
that idea away from Edie.Giving her an
identity in what she looks through.

I adore Valerie for this.I’ve tried to follow her example.Edie should see herself everywhere.Valerie has picked books with female characters.We like Olivia and Maisy and the only shows she
watches are Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, and Charlie and Lola.Sometimes I wonder if Edie sees herself in
little blond British Lola.

Next to Edie's bed is an illustration of a tree with a little girl hiding
behind it. Even before Edie could understand,
Valerie would hold her up to the picture and point out the little girl and say,
“There’s Edie.” Now Edie knows the hiding girl is her. Edie is the hero of her
own life.All Val’s doing.

VALERIE TEACHES EDIE PLAY IS SERIOUS

There’s this post that I love.I look at it every few days.Valerie takes the best pictures of Edie.I feel like she captures who she is.The joy that wells up over and over in Edie
at what she sees in the world.

I know good moms play with their kids.That’s a given.But I’d never been around the day-to-day
doings of moms. (Except my own.Sorry I
don’t remember it, Mom.) But Valerie lets Edie do the things she’s doing.And it’s play.It’s all play.Valerie speaks to Edie as they do things
together. She turns life into play. Edie loves to water the plants, cook dinner (shake the
spices), put things in the trash, clean up her room.

I heard recently how play to children is
completely serious.It’s how they learn
to navigate the world.They may enjoy doing
it.But to them, acting out the
adult world is complete seriousness.Edie makes about 50 calls a day on fake phones.I think she’s handling Val’s gambling debts.

Val is good at treating Edie not like a doll to be played
with but a human being who is capable of learning the functions of life.And that life isn’t joyless tasks but a
series of events that can be accomplished with smiles and some cookies.

VALERIE FOLLOWS HER DREAMS SO EDIE CAN FOLLOW HER OWN DREAMS

This is more big picture.More long term. But Valerie makes sure that her life is not being eaten
up by Edie alone.Or me.Or the house.Where she can find time, she works on her thesis.She read the texts at night, she edits and
writes during Edie’s nap time.

She writes her own pieces.She had a piece in the New Era if you haven’t read it.She keeps a smart and interesting blog.

She acts in plays when she can.She’s in a play right now.She finished a play earlier this year.(I have plans for her to finish a new play of
mine later this year. (She’s my muse for all female characters I write.Why wouldn’t she be?)

She edits and critiques other people’s work.She has a friend’s full-length book on her
desk and another friend’s screenplay.She’s intelligent and savvy and her opinion is spot on.Most of my work has her stamp on it.(She’s my most important editor.)

She’s not doing it to prove anything to anyone.Valerie’s doing it because this is what she
wants to do with her life.And Edie will
see that and know that she’s expected to follow and increase her talents. In the Best home, Dream Following is House Rule #1.