I know that I haven’t posted anything religious or spiritual is a very long time. However, many of the mom blogs that I come across are written by Christian women who are very upfront about their beliefs. They share what they believe and don’t feel that they have to defend themselves.

See, that is where I run into problems. I constantly feel like I have to defend myself, my choices and my lifestyle. And it can make a person very confrontational.

And it is a very tiring way to live, always waiting for the blow to strike.

I should back up a bit.

At my current church, our pastor is doing a series of sermons about being a Romans 12 Christian. If you want a reference, download the YouVersion Bible App, it’s free and a really useful app.

I use it every day.

This week, he preached on Romans 12:2, about how we have to live separate from the world’s values in order to give ourselves up to Christ. He referenced 1 John 2:15-17 and how most of the world’s values can be grouped into three categories: lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life.

Lust of the flesh- the feeling and pleasures of the world

Lust of the eyes- the possessions of the world

Boastful pride of life- the positions of the world, or the need to be somebody

Guess which one I fall under?

In the last year of my life, even with the new titles of Wife and Mother, I find that I strongly desire to be someone. I want to get my photography business up and running, I want to be the mother who has a garden and chickens and homeschools her children, I want to cook and clean and have my house perfect for my husband and unexpected guests. I want to be successful and have it all.

I want to be envied.

I want people to look at me and wish that they were me.

And that’s not how I should want to live.

I shouldn’t want to be that person.

It’s all right to want to be successful, to want to support my family and to be a good mother and wife, but not so that others envy me. I should want to be those things so that my family can depend on me.

I’m struggling with this, because the things that I want are good things. They may be overreaching, but for the most part, they are good things. I simply want them for all the wrong reasons and that isn’t a good thing.

I’m wondering if God is putting a few stumbling blocks in my way so that I could see this and ask for His help in fixing my desires. Because another thing that was preached about this Sunday was the need to change inwardly before we can change outwardly.

So, God, please, fix the desires of my heart; help me to take away the desire to be somebody and to be envied and make me into someone that is humble. Keep watch over my heart, because these desires will not go away overnight and help me to find the desires that you want for me. Guide me down the path of complete faith and let me give myself over to you completely and let me be a successful Christian over being a successful somebody.