It is illegal to visit a dairyman's barn at 4:00 AM and
observe or photograph his way of doing business without first obtaining
his permission. If caught, you will be fined, jailed, and charged with
agricultural terrorism. So, how can one document the abuses suffered by
farm animals?

What do farmers do to sentient creatures, and what devices
of torture do they use?

That's easy. The evidence is included in the 2005 Nasco
Farm & Ranch catalogue, advertised as "The Largest Farm Catalog in the
World."

"The heat is more evenly distributed and held in the iron
for a much longer period of time...designed to reduce blotching."

Reduce blotching? What a relief that must be to a cow who
has just had glowing-red metal applied to her body while smelling the
fumes of burning skin and flesh.

Or, there is now a non-heat option. Simply freeze the
branding iron in liquid oxygen. The growth of white hair at the branding
site in three-four months will confirm that pigment-producing cells have
been painfully destroyed.

Love those hog pipes and hog whips offered on page 57. You
can be fashionable while whipping your hogs. The device comes in two
colors. The hog pipe is "strong and durable" and comes with a "leather
wrist grip to help prevent dropping." While you're shopping, pick up one
of those fiberglass livestock sorting poles, or a "lightweight, high
impact 'Pro Stick' with a "pro-style sharp point."

Page 65 offers devices that can be used for both farm
business and farm fun. You can own a heavy grain "Leather Pig Slapper" or
a deluxe pair of "Animal Grabber Tongs."

Oh, what thoughtful pig farmers we have. Page 67 offers a
$95 pig tail docker that heats to 850 degrees Fahrenheit, and "cauterizes
as it cuts." And, if those silly piggies decide to bite each other's
stumps, you can buy a can of "Pig Pax." Take your $11 investment and
"Spray Pig Pax on the back of pigs or on the places being attacked (such
as tails) and its foul taste will discourage pigs from biting one
another."

One of my favorite devices, on page 71, comes with a
photograph of a pig laying on its back held tightly in a metal entrapment.
You could be the proud owner of a "Comfort Castrator," and the good news
is that no anesthetic is needed. I wonder if it comes with ear plugs to
drown out the sound of squealing pigs.

Page 88 carries a line of chicken books. I count seven
instruction manuals, but none written by Karen Davis. You can purchase her
books by going to:

Page 92 has a multi-stacking poultry layer cage for just
$69.85. Four chickens can do their business inside of a box with floor
area that is just 36" by 18." Each chicken gets an ample amount of room,
just over 1 square foot (1.125 sq. ft.) to live her life in while laying
her eggs for your consumption. And when they no longer produce those eggs,
you can purchase a tabletop picker (page 93) with motor that:

"Cleans chickens, ducks, and pheasants in seconds -- even
gets pin feathers if bird has been properly scalded."

Those calf restraints on page 147 provide hours of
pleasure for the user, while the high powered dehorning saw on page 149 is
designed to delight both farmer and his children on a Sunday afternoon.

Don't even ask what the five different models of "balling
guns" sold on page 154 are used for.

Page 159 offers the new "Elector Insecticide" which is
advertised as:

"A new and effective way to control flies and lice on
lactating and non-lactating dairy and beef cattle."

Some other curious devices make great Christmas presents
(or Chanukah presents for Jewish dairymen). My number one gift-giving idea
is included on page 179, and it's only $32.85. Is this the perfect
stocking stuffer for your favorite dairyman? Buy one or more today: The
Teat Tumor Extractor.

"This medium-size, 4.55mm instrument is imported from
Denmark and is very popular, especially among herdsmen in Wisconsin and
Minnesota. It's most important advantage over U.S. models is the double
cutting edge."

Tumors in udders from cows whose milk and cheese we eat?
Perhaps it is no coincidence that the highest per capita breast cancer
rates can be found in Denmark.

There are 131 more pages to this Marquis-de-Sade-like
catalog, but suddenly, it's ceased being fun for me.

If you want more, order a copy of the Nasco Farm catalog
for your own reading pleasure. Call: 800-558-9595.

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