Man Pummeled by Moustache, Film at 11

News of the Future, 20 hours from now: Hay-on-Wye, Wales-and-not-at-all-Herefordshire

A man was thrashed today at the Hay Festival while attempting to "arrest" John Bolton, former U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. The man, whom witnesses identified as noted intellectual lightweight George Monbiot, had barely confronted Bolton when Bolton's formidable moustache, Regis, acting of its own accord, executed a perfect body scissors on Monbiot. Soon Regis was delivering a two-lobed paddling on Monbiot's exposed and reddened gluteus maximus.

Monbiot, best known for being the inspiration for the epithet "moonbat", had earlier announced plans to perform a "citizen's arrest" of Bolton for the "crime" of advocating the Iraq War. Monbiot reasoned that Bolton's culpability stemmed from his being among the signatories to a 1998 letter to then-President Clinton urging regime change in Iraq.

Reporters' questions regarding Monbiot's own advocacy of Iraqi regime change were unanswered as of this writing. Many questioned whether Monbiot would be willing to accept responsibility for the massacres that no doubt would have resulted from that untried scheme. This reporter's guess is: Hell, no.

It is presently unknown whether Monbiot faces any charges over the incident, or whether he will simply be slapped on the wrist and sent to bed without his organic fair trade nonfat soy latte.