One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on inside the Big Brother 16 house.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Sold Under The Bus

It may have taken 200 days and many many moon cycles, but the Revolution is finally here... kind of. It's not exactly the gun toting merry band of defiant Newbies that I was hoping for, but it'll do. It'll do for now. Our current revolutionaries are more of a sewing circle than the Sandinistas, but, hey, I'll take what I can get. As long as they are wielding their axes and chipping away at the ankles of that blonde Amazon sea hag with the barnacle lips, I am on board. The Poop Ship Lollipop no longer needs its figurehead. Having such a weight on the hull makes steering this ship successfully almost impossible anyways. So off with its head! Off with its ankles! Down, down, into the choppy sea it crashes. *Splash!* Down into the murky black waters it sinks to its final resting place amongst the crab people. There, she'll sit and she'll stare. With wild blonde hair billowing in the salty bath she can now call home, her paint will chip and she'll become someone we once knew. Someone we vaguely remember. Someone who is no more. Let's recap, shall we?

The day begins with a twang. Two twangs actually. It's Danielle and Wil and they are as snug as two bugs in the HOH bed. Danielle whispers to Wil that she's taking him off the block today. She warns him not to tell anyone about it because the last thing Danielle wants is Janelle catching wind of the plan to oust her before the POV Ceremony takes place. Wil nods and agrees. He tells Danielle that he thinks he already has the votes to get rid of Janelle. Plus, he promises not to nominate Dan or Danielle next week if he wins HOH.

Danielle lies back and looks up at the ceiling. She finally has a man in her bed and she's oh so proud of herself. Feeling those ooey gooey "happy to be me!" feelings, she sighs and muses, "This will be amazing. Janelle has never been backdoored before." Wil yanks at the pinky finger he got stuck in his weave and agrees. He's so sick of Janelle thinking she's this big power player who can do whatever she wants. He doesn't give a shit if she's a fan favorite. He just wants her gone!

The feeds finally go down and when they return it's a glitter tinkling sparklefest. Danielle has removed Wil from the block and has nominated Janelle for eviction. Viva la revolucion!

The best part about it all is that Janelle had no idea. None! She didn't even bother to put on make-up that morning. She woke up and thought herself, "Eh, I'm safe. Who needs mascara when they're safe?" First off, all girls need mascara. When you forego mascara a dolphin gets punctured. Seriously, right through the heart. So think about that the next time you think au natural is the way to go.

So Janelle is confused, befuddled, discombobulated and all the rest of it. She has no idea where Danielle got this idea to nominate her, but she needs to find out who threw her under the bus. Up in the HOH Janelle meets with Danielle and asks her what the hell is going on. Danielle tells Janelle that she heard that Janelle is going after her. Janelle clutches her pearls and gasps, "Who me?!? I was never going after you Danielle. You're my best good friend. I only want to brush your hair and tell you how thin you are." Alright, so I may have paraphrased, but you get the idea. Danielle responds with, "But you didn't want to work out with me yesterday." That, I am happy to report, was not paraphrased. Janelle replies that she ate too much the night before and went to bed. It has nothing to do with Danielle at all. She just felt too fat to work out.

Danielle then tells Janelle she heard that Janelle had called her a floater. Janelle denies it, "Oh my god, I did not call you a floater! I was just saying in the DR how happy I was to work with you." Danielle apologizes repeatedly and her pudding face begins to soften and melt. Seeing that Danielle is almost on the verge of tears, Janelle goes for the jugular, "I can't believe you nominated me when I'm not going after you." Danielle tells Janelle that she really does like her, it's just that she's heard things around the house. Janelle sighs and insists she's not mad while Danielle continues to apologize over and over again. She tells Janelle she is probably safe anyways, but right now she needs to throw up (pea soup).

Janelle leaves the HOH and Dan heads on in. He takes one look at Danielle and asks her if she's OK. Danielle situates herself in the middle of the HOH bed and plops one of her button eyes back into her pudding head. Dan tells her that she did well on the speech and didn't appear nervous at all. Danielle says, "I'm good at not showing I'm nervous." She says that she was convinced everyone could hear her heart/ceremonial drums beating in her chest during the POV Ceremony. She felt so sick that she wanted to throw up.

Dan changes the subject and asks her what Janelle just said to her. Since we joined the Danielle/Janelle post-POV conversation already in progress, we are actually able to learn about a few things we missed. Apparently, Janelle asked Danielle if Boogie was the one who told her that Janelle was going after her. Danielle insists to Dan that she didn't mention Boogie's name at all or throw him under the bus. She also tells Dan how Janelle said she was saying just yesterday (to Dan) how much she liked Danielle. Then, out of nowhere, Danielle's face begins to contort and tiny clear droplets of acid begin to form in the corners of her eyes. Dan looks at her confused and asks, "Why are you upset?" Danielle replies, "Because I'm a victim and this is what victims do!" Not really.

Meanwhile, down in the Arcade Room, Janelle is sitting with Ashley and Britney in silence. It's an eerie kind of a silence, like something you'd experience before an F5 tornado hit your small country bumpkin town. Ashley stares at a wall, Britney looks down at her hair, and Janelle searches both of them for any sign of betrayal. Janelle finally speaks and tells the girls what Danielle said to her up in the HOH room - that stuff about hearing Janelle was going after her and called her a floater. Ashley lifts her thick hooded eyes with her thumbs and mumbles, "I don't understand." Go back to bed Ashley.

Janelle continues and says that Danielle told her that it wasn't just Frank and Boogie who said Janelle was after Danielle. For the record, I have no idea if this part is true or not. Janelle could be lying in an effort to suss out more traitors. Ashley sighs and says, "I'd like to contribute to the conversations but I always feel excluded. Pineapple!" Janelle ignores her and whispers that she needs five votes to stay.

Britney, on the other hand, has affixed her sad clown face and gets busy picking at her split ends. She says that she won't talk to Danielle again - ever! - unless Danielle wants to talk to her first. Ashley burbles, "But I thought you and Danielle were close?" *giggles* Britney ignores Ashley and the girls get quiet again. Janelle breaks the silence by asking Ashley if she'll vote for her to stay. Ashley says, "Yes. Moon pies!" Janelle sighs again while stroking her hair and wonders aloud, "I wonder who sold me out..."

Continuing on her mission to find out why the hell she's on the block, Janelle corners Dan in the Storage Room and asks, "What the hell happened Dan?!" Dan shrugs his shoulders and says, "I think it's because you didn't work out with Danielle." He continues by telling Janelle how he tried to get Danielle to think strategically and not personally, but it appears as if Danielle's "girl feelings" are to blame. Janelle says again how she went into the DR and told them - TOLD THEM - how excited she was to be working with Dan, Danielle, and Shane. She crosses her arms over her heaving bosoms and repeats to Dan how she didn't work out with Danielle last night because she ate too much and went to bed. She'll retell this story a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. In fact, there should be an allotted time of day for Janelle to tell her "I feel fat" stories. Maybe we just lock her in a room with Danielle and let them go at it.

"I'm so fat.""No, you're not. I'm fatter than you.""Well, you do have fat legs.""Who said that? Did JoJo say that?""I'm too fat to work out.""Do you really think I have fat legs?""My lips are fat... naturally."
Fat, fat, fat.
Oh shut up the both of you. You're both fat. The end.

Janelle continues trying to press Dan for more information, "Who threw me under the bus?" Dan replies that he doesn't know. Janelle asks, "Wil and Joe?" Before Dan can answer (or lie) to her, Janelle blurts out, "I didn't even put on make-up today! I didn't think I was going on the block." Dan shifts uncomfortably and looks at the ground. With more sighs and strokes of her hair, Janelle says, "I'm probably going home. I'll bet Joe and Wil threw me under the bus."

Janelle tells Dan that Danielle totally screwed them. Dan tells her that she still has 3 days to get votes. Janelle moans, "But I'm a Coach." Dan bites on his thumb and asks, "Do you think your team will support you?" Janelle replies, "Probably not because they want the Coaches out." In an effort to lift Janelle's spirits some, Dan tells her that they need to find out how Shane and Britney will vote this week. Janelle thinks that Shane will vote however Danielle wants him to. At the same time she wonders why Shane would want to keep Frank in the game. Dan mumbles, "That's a good point." The conversation ends with Janelle wondering if she can get Joe's vote since Joe hates Frank so much. And off she goes to tackle Joe.

Janelle yanks Joe into the Arcade Room and that weirdo silence falls again. She finally breaks it by asking Joe, "Do you think Wil is behind this?" Without hesitating, Joe replies that he absolutely thinks Wil has something to do with this since he was the one who came off the block. Janelle nods, "Wil sold me out." Joe agrees, "He most certainly did." Janelle says that she can't believe Wil would do that to her. She says she probably won't even ask Wil for his vote because he hates her so much. Furthermore, Janelle is shocked - SHOCKED - that Danielle would believe Wil's lies. Funny, since it wasn't Wil's lies that led to this. One nod from Joe and Janelle is completely convinced that Wil is to blame.

Speaking of Wil, he enters the Arcade Room and immediately says how shocked he was at the POV Ceremony. Janelle nods and says she was never even going after Danielle. Joe chimes in, "I thought I was going up." Wil says he didn't think Danielle would use the POV at all which is why he had fun with his speech. (I'm guessing he did the Queen Latifah monologue.) Janelle nods and tells Wil that his speech was really funny.

Janelle then tells Wil the "too fat to work out" story and thinks it is the reason she's on the block. Janelle sighs repeatedly and says how she can't believe Danielle thinks she's after her. "It should be so obvious who I'm after," she says. (Boogie) Wil huddles in and tells Janelle all of the votes he think he can get for her. By no stretch of the imagination does Wil think that Janelle will go home. (I'm pretty sure he's lying to her.) Wil eventually leaves and Janelle leans over to Joe and says, "Maybe I do have Wil's vote." Joe crinkles up that soggy french fry on his chin and says he think that Wil is lying. He'll try to find out for sure a little later.

Jumping ahead to BBAD we encounter the infamous bathroom scene that everyone was tweeting about this morning. Personally, I thought it was dull and uneventful. Any scene where two insecure girls (Danielle and Janelle) sit and pretend to kiss each other's asses is always dull."I don't break out anymore because I'm getting older.""I have adult acne!""Boogie has horrible botox.""At least your eyes move.""I get acid poured on my face once a month by my dermatologist.""You'll never age Janelle.""Dr. Will injects himself.""I'm scared of big needles!" (Remember, she's a nurse)"I've never had fillers in my lips.""You haven't???" "Let's get dressed up and drink wine later. We can do make-up.""OK! But right now I have to poop and I'm poop shy so you have to leave.""Tootles!"

That was basically it. Janelle is telling Danielle that she is being used and lied to and then follows it up by wanting to be Danielle's best good friend. Luckily, Danielle isn't falling for it and spent the rest of the night recapping it all for anyone who'll listen. She tells Britney how Janelle is bullying her with threats of leaving her ugly dresses behind for Danielle to wear. Danielle shrieks, "I don't want her stupid dresses!" Britney mumbles, "What a nightmare." And then she goes back to picking her hair. I think she's been hanging out with Wil too much or something.

I'm still catching up on this conversation right now and one interesting thing is standing out to me. Britney mentions to Danielle how if a girl and a guy are sitting at the end together, the girl never wins. Danielle nods knowing where Britney is going with this. Britney says, "I meant to mention this to you later on down the road, but a girl has a better chance of winning if she's up against another girl." Naturally, Britney is referring to the idea of Danielle getting to the end with either Shane or Dan. I get where Britney is coming from and I think I agree with her, but it's just so early. Especially with Danielle. The second Britney refuses to brush Danielle's hair is the second Danielle runs around the house telling everyone that Britney wants Shane and Dan out before the finals. We've still got 12 people in the house, Britney. Patience.

I will end this here for today. So, what do you guys think of Janelle on the block? Will Janelle ever successfully kiss Danielle's ass into submission? How will Dan end up voting? Will BB ever give Janelle enough alcohol between now and Thursday to go batshit crazy? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

34 comments:

I'm one of the all-time shameless Janelle fanbois. Not because of her looks but because she rocked her other 2 times in the house. But she's been weak sauce this season. Maybe it was growing up a little getting married, having a baby, getting free drinks by announcing to everyone in Applebees she's Janelle from Big Brother, but sista is not herself this year.

Unless Big Poppa at home told her to come back with cash, she needs to suck it up and take her medicine. Homegal didn't play well this time.

For one, she didn;t handle her best demo, the gays, very well. Wil is her people and babygirl just blew it with him.

Two, dollface shhould've have smelled the rotten in denmark and went after Boogie. bad deal, janelle.

Danielle didn't BD Jani, Dan did. It is certain Dan wants to roll w/Boogie. He can manipulate Dani; he didn't this time.And I can't wait now to see Dan destroyed by Froogie (Frank & Boogie). It will happen & the mock Chill Town fiasco will mist over the DR.

I hope Janelle convinced Danielle to vote Frank out of the house. Not that it matters what Danielle thinks because nobody ever listens to her. I missed the HOH competition and nomination ceremony a couple nights ago, so this morning before heading into work at Dish, I watched it on the Hopper. I was able to skip over the commercials with the AutoHop, which was awesome because it gave me an extra 20 minutes to finish getting ready. I am shocked to read all the live feeds and see that she put Janelle on the block. Both Frank and Janelle need to go, so either one is to be leaving on Thursday.

Another Janelle fan checking in. I agree with Lance above...She did not play her best game at all. I think she was too much in coach mode...even though she thought from day one she would be in the game. She is not reading people well this year and by that I mean people like Wil and Ashley. It took her too long to figure out she can't trust them.

Something is off with her and I think it may very well be that she doesn't want it as badly as so many people think she does.

The only way she is staying is if AG pulls a rabbit out of her hat and if that happens she is in for a miserable ride. She has NO one in that house that would be genuinely happy to see her stay. There is no Howie to scoop her up and cheer.

As a Janie fan, I feel bad for her and it's not fun watching her kiss ass, especially to a girl like Danielle. I think it's better if she goes.

I agree, I think she is ready to go home to Violet and hubby As she said yesterday to Brit, I get paid the same if I leave this week or in 5 weeks and I am such a big target. I think she is resigned to leaving and is just shell shocked that she is being sent out by those she trusted. I feel really bad for her.It is sad to see the shell of a player that used to be so kick ass.She was saying from week one that Frank has to go but her team were the ones that wanted to keep him over Kara. Her team were the ones going back and forth with the power and the lies and she was playing clean up for their actions. She was also perfectly set up by Brit since week one . Who is Brit going to blame for the lies now with Janelle gone?

She shouldn't have gotten close to those in power and leave them the day they no longer had the control. She has flip flopped to everyone in the house, used them till she no longer needed them and then she was on her merry way. This is no ones fault but her own, it definitely isn't Britney fault. Brit had Janelles number week one fortunately. Janelle is so focused on being the sole reason for Boogie to leave the house that she has let it cloud her judgment on everything else.

I will be sorry to see Janelle go home, I love that girl and the way she plays, so confident and strong, they always seem to bring in these weak, insecure women, like Danielle and Britney, women that are sooo easily manipulated by a few men paying them some attention. Did anyone else catch the reference that Booger made about Shane going shopping with Danielle after this is over? AM I the only one that thinks that Shane is secretly in the closet? WHy the hell anyone would not question why Booger is willing to go to the death for Frank and doesnt see that as a bad thing is beyond me. I dont know what other flags that man has to send up to make them question how long before he throws them all under the bus.

What the hell is it with these people and the picking at themselves??? You cannot watch 3o seconds without Britney clawing at her face, flicking whatever crap is under her fingernails on the furniture!! These people are pigs, Booger working out and then sitting on the community couch with his sweat soaked shirt, Frank putting the throw cushions on the table and putting his filthy feet on them then putting it back on the couch, Dan wearing his shoes in someones bed, Wil picking at his head like he has a bad case of nits. I find it highly ironic that they find Joe gross for not washing his hands enough when most of them spend most of their time picking at themselves and flinging what ever they find on each other...I almost threw up when they counted the M&M's, how many hands touched those damn candies before they stuck them back in the bag?? The water in that hot tub looks like it is clear Jello, how they havent ended up with a rampant case of pink eye is beyond me....

At this point I am starting to root for Jenn, that Danielle is soooo emotionally unhinged, Britney is such a nasty piece of work, Booger is a legend in his own mind (Janelle has his number about the woman thing), Shane is too busy admiring his secretly gay self in the mirror, while Frank is trying really hard to have a Father, Son relationship with Booger and Dan is spinning too many plates in the air to keeo that trainwreck of an alliance together.

I wouldnt mind seeing Jenn in the final 2....maybe her and Ian can stand by while they all implode on each other, as all you need to do is tell Danielle that someone mentioned she had cankles and she loses her shit, she is another Rachel but without the tits and a man that actually wants to touch her (unlike Shane)...

janelle is a great gamer, but believe me she can also bring the drama...if she stayed you could of bet you would get at least one "dani you are a fat a**"...unfortunately willie and janelle not in the house just leaves us with Season 12 all over again.

The astonishing thing to me is that Janelle wasn't an obvious target the moment Danielle won HOH--either for Danielle or her DanDad. Janelle is weak, not only through her own actions, but because she has no totally trustworthy allies in the house. I like her, despite her mean girl tendencies. An more importantly, I like her in comparison to Froogie and Dan, all of whom I despise. Off topic, but by the way, am I the only person who loathes Dan? I didn't see BB10, but I don't understand where the "nice guy" stuff comes from. He's devious, emotionally stunted, and incapable of understanding females on any level.

Ive been reading ur blog 4 3 seasons now love it....but when i read it now about 8 lines have a little white box that has nothing 2 make it go away...i hate missing what u have 2 say & hope this can b fixed soon ....one of ur biggest fans love the bitchy blog:-)

always the best... thanks Lala... :) I would love to copy your opening and paste it..full credit to you of course with a link to your blog of course... but not without your say so.. :) brilliant you are.. :)

These female house guests are still little girls. Janelle is supposed to be more mature being the old crone of the house...but she isnt. I'm sick of hearing these girls prattle on about makeup, cankles and carbs!

Colette, sorry if I'm being a tad off-topic but I really wish that you'd address on either here or on the BB Gossip Show Saturday how fucking hypocritical Frank is for not branding Boogie a "homophobe" for HIS imitation of Wil on Sunday night at 11:50 pm BBT. Boogie used a high-pitched voice while imitating Wil saying to Danielle after she'd tell him she's taking him off the block "Yes! I'll do anything!" It sounded a touch even more "offensive" than the way Willie did it.

I think, and I could be wrong, that I addressed someone doing a Wil impression (not sure if it was Frank or Boogie or another HG). Maybe I did it on Twitter? I'm not sure. I agree though that it is all incredibly hypocritical. I think I've nitpicked every little thing that was unfair about Willie's expulsion ad nauseum at this point.

OH wait! You know what it was? I think Wil did an impression of someone - a redneck hillbilly impression (maybe of Willie). That could be what I'm thinking of.

The issue this season doesn't seem to be homophobia (we have two, count 'em, TWO representatives in the house, which almost makes up for Survivor's Colton and The Amazing Race's strange omission of gays in recent memory); it's race. Did it not strike anyone else as bizarre that the only Black player was eliminated before she ever got her key? Yes, Jenn is of Puerto Rican descent, and Shane's so tan he might qualify as non-white at this point, but everyone else is lily-white. Painfully so. I'm not a fan of diversity for diversity's sake, but are you telling me that absolutely no interesting people of Asian descent applied for the show and that Jodi was the most fascinating of the Black contenders? This season is shaping up to be a real disaster, especially if Janelle is evicted right away. Sure, she seems tired most of the time, but I can take her in much larger doses than I can Dan, Boogie, or Britney. God help me, I'm starting to root for Ashley, if for no other reason than she's not actively obnoxious.David

I agree! I'm not asking for the cast to look like a Benetton ad,but I would like some diversity.As an Hispanic women I'm disappointed in Jen. She's boring,homely and looks likes casper the ghost after she puts on make-up. She needs to take her ass to Sephora & get professional help. Jodi didn't peak my interest. I don't know if it has to do with viewer demographics,but Its safe to say mostly WhiteyMcwhitey watches BB. So until casting gets their head out of their ass....BB will be like an American Girl movie with minorities being cast as the sidekick or not at all.Oh and Janelle can take her snout and straw she calls hair and get the fuck out!

Janelle will be evicted tonight and I honestly don't know if I can continue through this season without her. I am so over watching Boogie ( a.k.a. The Most Obnoxious Person In Reality TV History). It's going to be very boring without Janelle.I agree she hasn't played so well this season, but if she hadn't started out as a coach I think it might have went differently. And I am astounded each episode at how dumb this cast is...why are they handing the game away...at this rate it's Dan, Boogie or Frank that will win. And they all deserve to lose to them for being so incredibly stupid.

Tell me what is so fascinating about Janelle. She's not entertaining at all. Love or hate Willie, he was amazing to watch. You couldn't tear yourself away whenever he was on the screen. I have yet to be entertained by Janelle. If she was exciting to watch, I'd be ok with her staying, but she's not. I don't get the adoration when she's just a giant bore.

I think there are a lot of folks, in the chat rooms at least, that can't accept that what we have this season is Janie 3.0. They are still clinging to their romanticized image of Janie from season 6, when she was no more entertaining personally, but was an underdog and fierce competitor who saved herself from eviction multiple times. This version cannot even save herself from a bad hair/make-up day. It's as if she were all these folks first loves who are permanently etched in their memories. The other interesting phenomenon is that the self-same chatters who absolutely loved (and were drooling about) how Frank and Boogie were gonna get blindsided last week are moaning incessantly about how mean the house is being to Janie this week even while acknowledging she has not played a good game this year. Its sad to see but unfortunately Janelle has become the Brett Favre of BB land and should have stayed retired to live on as a heroine in memory instead of becoming a pathetic victim of her own game play.

For all of the yapping these people do, so much goes unsaid. I often wonder if it's because they're stupid, or just afraid.

To wit:Why does no one comment on what incredibly poor losers Froogie are, or tool Boooogie to put on his big boy pants? OR suggest to them that just because THEY suggested that Dan go up, Shane had no obligation to do it. And in fact, if he had, both halves of his alliance would have crumbled. Whatever you think of Dan (and I'm not a fan) it did not make sense for Shane to first piss off Froogie, and then piss off Dan.

And of course, though no one is in a position to say it: I'd love to remind Boogie how he said the other day that if he and Frank were in Shane's place, they would PUT UP JENN. But obviously, Shane is too dumb to do that.

Shane didn't say what he should have said, either, of course. He's utterly confrontation-averse, which is why Froogie are so pissed at him. He shoulda given Jenn a heads up, or at the very LEAST, he should have invited her to HOH immediately and let her know she was not his target. And THEN, Brit should have commiserated with Jenn about how she knows it must have been difficult to lose (Jenn's" friends in the house, and not to be on the block.