Stories making headlines across New Zealand at noon include a man dubbed Dannevirke's dumbest criminal, animal-headed, lab-coat-wearing creatures mixing cocktails in Queenstown and if you happen to have an early 19th-century ship's cannon hidden in your garden shed, Paihia folk would like to know.

While over the breath alcohol limit, David Kendrick returned to his crashed car in a ute at about 4am and attempted to tow it home, but not having much luck he flagged down a passing police car to ask for a hand.

Christchurch City Council has no official plans to mark the second anniversary of the magnitude-7.1 earthquake that sparked the seismic sequence that changed the city forever. Meanwhile nearly 5000 Mid Canterbury claims to the Earthquake Commission (EQC) are still awaiting settlement.