Tag: 1985

It’s time for another installment of Saturday Night’s Main Event. This one took place a couple days after Halloween so the opening montage of promos features a bunch of dudes in costumes while the music from the Halloween movie franchise plays in the background.

We’ve got Mean Gene dressed up as a pumpkin with Bobby Heenan dressed up as Davy Crockett getting ready for some sort of Halloween festivities. Gene asks if Heenan’s hat is a weasel, he insists that it’s a raccoon. Heenan is practicing for the pumpkin dunk later this evening.

What’s a pumpkin dunk you ask? It’s like bobbing for apples, but instead of apples there are pumpkins, and instead of water the tub is filled with chocolate for some reason. Maybe because they’re in Hersey, PA for this installment.

We head next to Hulk Hogan screaming about his upcoming match with Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy. You can tell he’s serious because he’s got his droopy ass headband on again. The last time he had that on he prevented a nuclear holocaust.

Andre shows up and chops him in the chest and is like, “Yo chillax Hogan, let’s go get ready for our match.”

Roddy Piper is dressed as Superman and is chilling with Jesse Ventura who is wearing a costume that’s probably more conservative than his normal attire. Ventura talks about how happy he is that Piper fucked up the Hillbilly wedding during the last Saturday Night’s Main Event.

Mean Gene is standing by with newcomers Terry Funk and “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart. Funk says that he’ll house train the JYD in their match tonight. Mean Gene criticizes Funk for having a mouth full of chaw, so Terry Funk spits it into the camera and we go to the Saturday Night’s Main Event intro.

Nikolai will not have a guilty conscious if the USSR launches nukes at the US because of the outcome of his flag match with Hulk Hogan. Hell, he says he’ll push the button himself. Or at least that’s what I think he said…it was a pretty marble-mouthed promo.

Hogan is standing by wearing the droopiest headband of all time. He vows to make sure that the only flag ever to fly in the US and A is the red, white and blue because he won’t have the little Hulkamaniacs being indoctrinated by a goddamn Bolshevik.

And now to domestic affairs! Mean Gene’s standing by with Hillbilly Jim and Uncle Elmer because there’s a hillbilly wedding taking place tonight provided we survive the nuclear strike that the Hogan vs. Volkoff match is sure to cause. Roddy Piper shows up to mock Uncle Elmer because Piper is the best and we go to the opening credits.

The first ever Saturday Night’s Main Event begins with Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter discussing strategy. Lauper tells Richter to, “make sure, Wendi, that Moolah doesn’t grab your hair, you know she loves to do that,” while Wendi Richter nods and is like “Right, right…”

We go next to Hulk Hogan and Mr. T. Hogan yells some stuff about his match with Bob Orton while Mr. T uses some sort of weird arm exercise bar thing. Mr. T has on work gloves for some reason. He cuts a promo on Piper and says, “I PITY THAT FOO!” Hogan also pities that fool and then tells us to, “Kick back and relax for Saturday Night’s Main Event!”

It’s the Colossal Jostle y’all! Two of the biggest big men to ever jostle are in Madison Square Garden to jostle one another in the most colossal jostle that was ever jostled in the history of jostling.

WWE, if you happen to be reading this can you do something like the Cruiserweight Classic only with superheavyweights? You’ve already got an awesome title for such a tournament, “And now the WWE Network and McCain Ellio’s Pizza Pockets Proudly Presents…The Colossal Jostle!”