Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Gloating Will Get You Nowhere

gloat (from Dictionary.com)
n : malicious satisfaction v 1: dwell on with satisfaction 2: gaze at or think about something with great self-satisfaction, gratification, or joy
*Conscience*
**Sixth Sense**
So now Lex is trying to worm his way back in... sort of.
*Are you gloating?*
Yes, I am gloating, thank you very much.
*Tsk, tsk. Bad girl. Gloating will get you nowhere.*
But a feeling of great satisfaction to know that my prediction that he would miss me has come to pass.
*So what makes you think that?*
Because he told me he wanted to hang out with me.
*And?*
"And" what? He said it, not me. He’s the one who brought it up, not me.
*Ha, but did he show up?*
Of course not.
*And why do you suppose that is?*
Because at the last minute he realized that he would actually have to give something of himself and bring down all sorts of walls and ... be intimate in order to be with me. The shock! The horror!
*Hmmmm...*
Ahhh, isn’t that reminiscent of AZ this time last year? Making all sorts of realizations about himself and admitting how he’s been depressed for the past 35 years and how miserable his life is and then doing nothing about it. Seems as though Lex is on that same path. Running hot, running cold, running away.
*And yet you still have the audacity to gloat?*
Yes, I do. You see, Conscience, I like being right for once. I like being able to sit back and watch the play unfold as I predicted it would. Whether I be the victor or not, there is a small victory in being right.
*So, he doesn’t think you’re worth changing for?*
Oh, it doesn’t have anything to do with me personally. It has everything to do with what he wants bad enough, not just me, but life and living life instead of running away from it. Now, life will let you know that the further you dangle the carrot, either a) peeps will give up or b) They’ll follow that carrot until they’re allowed to have it. I, being the carrot, win either way. If he walks, he wasn’t worth having. If he follows, then he might be worth having.
*Its not your job to change anyone.*
This is I know... but a little incentive never hurt anyone. How difficult it must be to look at something so beautiful and strong and intelligent and wish you could have it... and you turn and look and walk... and turn and look and walk... and then turn and walk back and then walk away again.
*Not just gloating but conceited as well*
Convinced, baby, convinced. I’m worth every positive change he could make. The portal is closed. I’m the destination now. That’s the choice we all have. We all have the capability to look in the mirror and say, "I’m going to change. I’m going to be different." Its not something I have a corner market on. Now he walked back but now he’s walking away again but he keeps looking back. Its hard not to. The only thing is, I’m ahead of him, so every step he takes back is another one he’ll have to make up later because I’m not stopping. He needs to get on the fast track.
*Not asking much are you?*
Hey. I did it.
*Not very sympathetic are you?*
Well.... no. Empathetic perhaps but not sympathetic. We all have our burdens to bear. Each is as heavy as the last. What one could take, another could not. The stronger you are, the more burdens you must bear, for a lesser person would fall. And before you say anything Conscience, I’m convinced, okay?
*Okay O Great Gloating Conceited Convinced One... how’s this going to end?*
As far as I’m concerned, I’m going to be just fine. As far as he’s concerned... well, that remains to be seen. I think its going to be interesting.
*One last thing... OGGCCO... why did he do this? Why did he start talking to you again?*
Because he loves me dork. Its hard not to.
-Conscience rolls eyes- * My God we’ve created a monster*
-Inanna sits up straighter- Look Conscience, its time you met Sixth Sense. Sixth Sense meet Conscience. Now, you two, listen up. Its not hard for me to know when he’s thinking of me or what he’s thinking. I know how much he wants to be with me again. I wonder how the sweat popped out on his brow when he, oh so casually, brought up us "hanging out." He knows where I stand. He knows how I feel. I was angry with him, yes, very much so. Not so much because he hurt me, but because he continues to hurt himself. He knows if he wants any chance at all, he’s going to have to stop that shit. That’s a tough decision. Its a tough move.
This also not something I can funnel or filter through me and voila, he pops out a new man on the other side. He has to become the new man because Nanna is done with the filterin’ and funnelin’. Frankly, it has nothing to do with loving me, but has everything to do with him loving and trusting himself. That’s nothing I can give him or show him, its something he has to dig around and find for himself, inside himself.
*When did she get so fucking philosophical?*
**I thought she was your monster?**
Ya’ll shut up. -Inanna throws up hands and walks away-
*Thank God, I thought she was going to keep me here all night!*
** Come on, let’s get back to the poker game before she comes back. I’m already on overtime this week and its only Monday!**