It's all right, you can stop hiding under your desk. Trinny and Susannah aren't going to jump out and force a motley assortment of items over your unwilling head. But you're not off the hook. Oh no. There is serious work to be done.

First, stand up and examine your current outfit closely. How is it? A credit to the time and effort you spent putting it together - or more reflective of your daily in-the-dark wardrobe tombola? Something your colleagues envy or are scared witless by? Better get that action plan into, er, action.

There is an upside to being a grey office drone: you only have to choose between three suits to wear to the office. Corporate businesswear might be gnaw-your-own-head-off-boring, but it is at least difficult to get it wrong.

So shrug off your ill-fitting, shiny, value-priced suit and invest a bit of cash in something decent that isn't too tight/ short/ bright. Jolly it up with nice shirts and accessories and Bob's your uncle. Only failure to wash stands between you and sartorial elegance.

All very well, but it isn't smart dress codes that are leading British offices into an unholy pit of scruffiness. It's all these smart bloody casual, look at us aren't we cool and relaxed efforts that are the problem. When will businesses learn? Having a workforce is like having a puppy: both need strongly defined boundaries. If you don't tell your staff that pyjamas are not acceptable office wear, they will wear them.

So, how to tackle smart casual to spruce up yourself and the rest of your team? First, try to get some kind of guidance from your boss. Innocently suggest that you might ask management to clarify the dress code. It might be as subtle as turning a yawn into a casual arm round your date's shoulder, but even the more dense members of the department should get the picture.

Resist the temptation to shout: "I wonder if cropped tops and too-tight skirts are acceptable?" at your workmate in the hope it might prick her conscience. The idea is to inspire office style, not Tarantino-esque violence.

With your newly clarified dress code in hand, you need to lead by example. Just a tiny modicum of planning could see your colleagues swooning in jealousy at your ravishingly glamourous - yet totally appropriate - wardrobe.

They will discard their battered sneakers (or at least exchange them for fashionably battered sneakers) and straighten their hair; iron their shirts and plump for some lovely earrings.

And what is the top-secret tip to not looking permanently dishevelled? It is this: get up earlier, or decide on your clothes the night before. Seriously. Pretend you are a child (in fashion terms). Britain's collective wardrobe malfunction could be solved overnight if nobody pressed snooze.

No Trinny. No Susannah. No identikit wardrobe. No personal shopper required. Let's all try it tomorrow. I'll get my best boots out ready.