The 2011 season arrived in Philadelphia with great fanfare and expectation, as well as one well-circulated boisterous quote from their backup quarterback. Everything quickly imploded in hilarious fashion. Vick got hurt. The defense played too much zone coverage despite having a trio of cover corners. The linebackers were dreadful. There were “Fire Andy!” chants. But with some minor changes, the Eagles are right back on the path to dynasty status, provided Michael Vick can stay healthy longer than six snaps.

Five Fast Facts About the Eagles:

– Jeremy Maclin flies kites at night. So unwholesome.

– The Eagles have a partnership with Angry Birds to show game-related graphics on the video board this season during games. Yes, because we always want to encourage children to visit the Linc.

Even though DeSean swears he’s no longer half-assing it to protect his body and is actually ready to try again this season, he’s bound to do a stupid thing that will cost him playtime. Moreover, his value is inextricably linked to the suspect health of Michael Vick, more so even than most top-flight receivers. While Vick remains a severe risky venture, but at least you go in knowing your own player is the thing you have to worry about. With DeSean, he and stay healthy and halfway focused and still have his fantasy value halved.

As a lifelong Eagles fan, and a noted expert on the Andy Reid Era, here are some things that I guarantee will happen during the team’s 2012 season:

– They will have four games where they look like an unstoppable offensive juggernaut.

– They will have four games where they look like they couldn’t score a touchdown even if the other team got zapped at halftime with some sort of space laser that turned them all into puddles of goo and the referees were all “Welp I don’t see anything in the rule book about calling off a game on account of space lasers turning one team into puddles of goo, so I guess we’ll keep playing.”

– They will have eight games that fall somewhere between those two extremes, and in each of those eight games Andy Reid will line the offense up in the shotgun at the 1-yard-line and call that goddamn shovel pass that everyone knows is coming and it will get blown up for a loss and I will scream until my lungs bleed.

– Michael Vick will break a very important bone while taking a completely unnecessary risk, and the city will fall hopelessly in love with whatever white shitbird they put in to replace him.

– DeSean Jackson will do something so stupid that I won’t even be able to get mad at him about it.

– Andy Reid will waste a number of challenges on calls he has zero chance of getting overturned.

– On no fewer than three occasions, the clock will run out on them in the red zone at the end of a half because they decided to throw a slant even though they were out of timeouts (aka The McNabb Special.)

– Trent Cole will accumulate 17 sacks despite getting double-teamed on every play, but ESPN will instead choose to devote multiple segments to Jared Allen hunting for moose or whatever.

– Their season will end in heartbreaking fashion and another irreplaceable part of me will die and wither away to nothing, leaving only emptiness where hope once thrived.

Bravo! I concur on the four super games, the four space laser games, and the eight meh games. I also particularly enjoyed the bit about the fanbase getting excited about white shitbird replacing Vick. There’s nothing Eagle fans like better than a white backup quarterback, unless it’s trying to get one of the best five coaches in the NFL fired every single year.

The weight of a D sized battery will do the most damage but you have to take into consideration range. The rule of thumb in the old Vet stadium was that seats in level 600 and 700 should stick with size C batteries for greater distance.

C batteries if you are at the Linc(or the old Vet) because you need the lighter weight to get better distance. If you are Citizens for a baseball game, definitely go with D batteries because you can get a good loft and then let gravity take over for when you are aiming for the outfielders, but they also have good heft for close in work on the bullpen. D batteries also have a slight drawback for football in that there larger size make it much more difficult to snake a throw through the eyehole on the opposing QBs facemask. 9-volts and AA are only for in use at little league games and company picnics.

The only thing worse than being an Eagles fan is being a reasonable Eagles fan surrounded by the assholes who call into WIP and either want to trade someone like King Dunlap for Mario Williams and Jairus Byrd or who want to find creative ways to call Michael Vick the n-word without out and out saying he’s an n-word. But yeah, Nick Foles In A Losing Effort is our Tom Brady. *wanking motion*

Well said. Good to see KSK is still the home for rational fans in irrational places.

Ha, Angelo Cataldi… they brought him back to my school because he was an “important” alumnus (there’s a school selling point!) and within 15 seconds I could see my journalism professor’s expression of intense regret. I think the class wanted to kill him. Please, please die in a fire, Angelo.