Santa Clause to Undergo CRB Check

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt laid down the legal requirements for Father Christmas’s visit to Britain this December on 24th December.

He said that in a modern day Britain, Santa needed to meet certain requirements before crossing the borders into the UK.

The St. Nicholas character must first have passed a CRB check and provide a risk assessment for climbing down chimneys and walking across snowy roofs, with a contact number for a next of kin.

He will also need to supply in advance a formal Health and Statement policy and Environmental Management System, evidencing that the toys he provides are produced without damage to the planet and do not exploit children in the third world.

The RSPB will need to do a check on his reindeer in Lapland to ensure they are being kept in a proper manner and not suffering from neglect.

Additionally, if Santa is attending any office or school parties, he will need to get a Temporary Event License from the local authority: a separate license will be needed if alcohol is being served.

Chief Elf, Pixie Lott said ‘We realise that Father Christmas needs to keep in step with twenty first century practices, but some of these measures some a bit draconian. Mind you, we did have a small fire in the workshop last month, and a minor accident last week, resulting in four goblins being hospitalised’

Transport secretary Philip Hammond responded to this by saying ‘Santa will be subject to normal drink and drive regulations and will need to limit
his consumption of brandy left out for him and sherry trifle. He will also need to notify our Air Traffic Control centres a month in advance, of his proposed route. Failure to do so will alert the anti-terrorist authorities, who may be forced to shoot him out of the skies, in order to avoid a major incident.