Sunday, October 2, 2011

Silence

I haven't been active anywhere lately which is probably the same thing I said in a post here last June. Work is consuming me which is both a good thing and a bad thing. But more than that, I am a bit concerned about people showing up in my Feedjit even if they are slightly anonymous. I don't want to sound whiny (not that there is anything to whine about lately) or to sound like people actually care about what I write which goes for my FB account, too. I don't want those people who've been showing up in my Feedjit to have something to talk about behind my back, although I know that it doesn't apply to everyone because some of those showing up do care for me.

You see, last April, I "ended" a friendship. For the most part, I did it because I knew it will give me peace, and it did. People have been doubting that friendship a lot. I just didn't want to answer the questions anymore. Besides, it got in the way of work. Mostly, I ended it because it got in the way of work. Work, in my opinion, just has to be done. For the 4 years (almost) I've worked at Clientcomm, almost nothing has stopped me from working -- not intermittent Internet connection (or no connection at all), not family affairs (my parents have always been very understanding), etc. The only time I sucked at working is when my last relationship ended and I got hospitalized (and there was no Internet connection at the hospital) . Thus, I can be a bit hard as a supervisor when people don't do their job. But I do try to be more understanding now. Another reason, which I think is the bigger reason, is that I don't like being called names. I've been there. Didn't like it one bit.

Anyway, people never really understood why I did what I did except for maybe 2-3 people who have been in the same predicament. And the things I heard and read as I thought I will be peaceful just left me hurting... and doubting everyone, which is the reason why I am just being so silent and keeping to myself.

I was never the sociable, very friendly type of person. I can honestly say that my social life is next to zero. If I am not at work, I am at home. Or I am in a vacation with people I can spend the whole night talking to. I hate small talks. That awkward oh-what-am-I-going-to-say-next silence gets to me. I was never a good conversationalist. I don't have the gift for gab. I rarely come up to people and talk. I just wasn't created that way. I am, after all, my mother's daughter. I have a hard time opening up to people. So, in a way, no matter how loud I am, I am really painfully shy inside. If I talk to people, it can be because (1) I like you (2) I trust you or (3) you're just really special I think of you as a good friend.

With that said, imagine how painful it is to know that people say "Kinakausap nga lang namin siya dahil sayo eh". And that just about ended the part where I trust people. I clammed up after that. In the company outing last June, I stayed in the room alone or only took a dip and ate when either Baba and Chad is around. Suddenly, I didn't feel like I can trust people. As a matter of fact, I don't trust people anymore, and I label people as "Safe" and "Unsafe". The safe people I can come up and talk to, and these include the ones I have recruited last July. Very few from the old circle belong in the "Safe" circle.

While it's sad not being liked, I don't really care if people will just snub me. What I really don't like are people who have the gall to talk to me just because of someone else. What kind of people are these anyway? If you're still in high school, then fine, I can try to understand, but if you're already working and you're still wired like that, well, something's definitely wrong with you. If you don't like to talk to someone, then don't. It's that simple. I don't talk to people I don't like, and I don't even care who they know. I can take haters, but people who pretend to like me? C'mon.

I don't even know why I am writing this. Probably because this has been consuming me since last May. It's about time I let it out and let it go. What I am thankful now is that I know I am in good company. Finally.