Search

Since moving cities recently to change my life/perspective/career/living situation/relationship/lifestyle and so on I have been asked the same question a million and thirty thousand times…… “So, have you found a job yet?”

I shudder just thinking about it.

My answer – “NO! Piss off and leave me alone! I am sick of all the pressure you’re putting on me AHHHH!” – Then I run off crying and inhale a bag of Doritos quicker than you can say “CAREER”.

Ok, well that is what happens in my head but my actual, more composed response goes something like this – “No not yet, I am waiting for the right opportunity, I don’t want to settle for anything I don’t really want.”

There is some truth to this answer – I have been offered lots of jobs, in fact all the ones I don’t want and I miss out on the ones that are mildly interesting. I have noticed that jobs seem to fall into two categories – they are either great jobs that pay peanuts or the most boring jobs in the world that would allow me to have money fights in my gold-plated undies.

As results I have now been to more job interviews than dates in my life, which isn’t saying much really. My interview ramblings have been mastered into a fine art of carefully weaved bull-shit and enthusiasm that disguises my genuine disinterest in the shitty organisation I am pretending to want to work for, it is exhausting.

The “pressure” I think people are putting on me is also in my head. No one really gives a flying squirrel how I spend my days; it is just a point of conversation for them because they are too dull to come up with a thought provoking conversation starter like – “do you pee in the shower?”. But, what they don’t know is that they are derailing the carefully orchestrated Career Path Procrastination Strategy I am implementing with great success, until of course I am asked that dreaded question.

Just when I thought there wasn’t a worse question to be asked, I got thrown a career question curve ball that smacked me hard in the face and still has me severely concussed.

A few weeks ago I had an interview with Google… I know you’re probably thinking how does a lost mutt like you get an interview with one of the most innovative and successful companies in the world? Good question, I have no idea. But I did spend hours researching questions they are known to ask and constructing with witty, intelligent and imaginative responses as their interviews are notoriously difficult, nerve-racking and wacky.

I was feeling confident during my first interview, my ability to bull-shit had seemingly won them over them over – I demonstrated enthusiasm, made them laugh and convinced them I wasn’t a complete dead shit (not sure how?). But then, out of no where, I was asked the MOST daunting, difficult and frightening question in the world…. “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

SHIT!

How on Google Earth did I not think to prepare for this question? I spent hours thinking of answers to questions like – “if you were a bread, what type would you be and why?” and coming up with explanations as to why I would be a loaf of olive sour dough and not enough time figuring out what I want to do my life…. Woops!

I didn’t think my instinct response “Fucks me!” was going to suffice, so my only other option was an awkward pause, a mighty big gulp and a scratch on the head followed by an explosive bout of verbal diarrhoea that made less sense than ordering a diet coke with a Big Mac Meal. A few days later I was told I had secured a final interview and was one of the two top candidates in the running…. were they crazy?

But, in the end, I didn’t get the job. I was disappointed but also relieved because I would have just been a glorified shit-kicker. Yes, I would be kicking the shit of the smartest people in the world but at the end of the day, everyone’s shit stinks. Would I love to work for company like Google? I think so. Would I love the opportunity to have a job to avoid figuring my life out? Absolutely!

But now it is back to the drawing board. Overall, getting interviewed by Google was a great t was a great experience and will probably be my biggest career achievement (how sad). The most valuable lesson I learnt during those interviews was knowing where I want to go, what I am going to do and how I am going to get there.

So, where do I see myself in 5 years?

Fucks me!

P.s I know that in a time of economic turmoil around the world, I am very fortunate to have these options, but I will continue to complain about my first world problems.