Smack My Beach Up - Episode 2

Previously on Boarding House: North Shore, Sunny goes aggro on a dude for looking at his wife and improves his chances of winning his 6th Triple Crown by advancing to the semifinals in the Hawaiian Pro. Further, VK parties, Holly complains, Danny gets mellow and the other housemates leave very little impression on the viewers. This week on BH:NS, it’s the ladies’ turn and surf’s up!

At 6:21 am, the SurfHotline says the swell is rising and the competition is on. Holly has gotten up early to prepare for the day’s events. She drinks her coffee, does her yoga and talks to her dad on the phone. Then there is the antithesis of Holly – VK. She sleeps. Holly tells us that VK was out partying all night. She doesn’t really take competition seriously. See, according to Holly, there are 2 kinds of surfers: models and surfers. Lots of people are one or the other, but very few successfully do both. We know that VK is a model. We can deduce that Holly is a surfer.

VK rolls out of bed, wipes her eyes and staggers to the car where she put her board the night before. The board is gone and groggy VK is confused. Holly tells her the boards have been moved and to hustle up! It’s time to go! VK walks just as slowly to get her boards, stopping a couple of times to pose for the camera. Well, what do you expect? She is a model. She tells us that she’s excited, but nervous, because she hasn’t competed in a couple of years since the Roxy gig has allowed her to just free surf. Today, she wants to win.

Half an hour later, the car is packed, the gear is loaded, Holly is annoyed and VK is still holding up leaving. Holly is anxious. She’s got a routine she likes to follow when competing and VK is breaking her stride.

Down the beach we see Sunny. He’s a total stylie on the swells. After his surf, he grabs his board and starts to run up the beach to his wife, Raina. However, three guys are checking her out and Raina smells trouble. Fer sure. Sunny runs up, gets in this guy’s face and asks him if he enjoyed checking out his wife’s crotch (Ed. note: looked like he was checking out her ass to me). The guy doesn’t even have time to answer when WHAMMO! Sunny open hand slaps the guy in the face and the guy hits the ground! Unreal!

Now, here’s what I’m thinking… Legendary professional surfer, Sunny Garza, just hit me in the face on camera for no good reason. On CAMERA. For no GOOD reason. I’m not going to handle it like this kook and say, “Man, I saw Sunny and wanted to apologize and shake his hand and watch him surf.” Nope, I’d think, “You outta control freak! See you in court!”

Back in the girls’ car on the way to the first round of women’s competition, Holly is talking about her ex-boyfriend and how his inability to surf as well as she does ended their relationship. VK, laughing, says maybe a nonsurfing boyfriend is the way to go, but Holly disagrees because if you date a nonsurfer, on vacations they would be stuck sitting in the sand while the girl surfs. Apparently, going on vacation to some place other than the beach is unthinkable.

Finally at the beach, the announcer tells the crowd about the day’s event. The girls have 30 minutes to show the crowd that they are ripping divas and the top two from each heat will move on to the semifinals. Holly is in the first heat. She has her headphones on, her mind focused and her body contorted to stretch it out before the surf. VK is yucking it up with the other girls. Chelsea has magically disappeared… from the rest of the episode.

Holly tells us if she has a good go-out and rips on her first wave, she usually will have a good overall showing. She wasn’t lying. From her first wave, she is totally awesome. Every swell that comes her way, Holly is able to turn into a styling ride. She is full on, in first place for the duration and wins her heat with ease.

VK is in heat two. She’s touted as “Roxy Team Member” by the announcer time and again (since this competition is sponsored by Roxy, it makes sense they would be promoting their team) so we expect to see some amazing surfing from her. Wow, were we disappointed! I would love to blame her embarrassing show on bumpy or mushy waves, but no one but VK could be blamed for her many wipe outs. I’m thinking one too many late nights and one too many margaritas. VK can’t stand up on any of the waves and is constantly being rag dolled. Compared to the other girls, she looks like a poser. Which I guess is a good thing for a model, but it makes for a pretty lousy surfer. Needless to say, VK comes in dead last in her heat and is eliminated from the competition.

Embarrassed and upset, she covers her face with her hands as she approaches the other surfers. Through her tears she tells the camera that she’s glad she is a good swimmer! Amen sister, because you resembled a drowned rat for most of your ride. Holly goes over to VK, hugs her and tells her she did a good job. (Well, I wouldn’t know what to say either!) VK tells Holly that she doesn’t have to lie. They went back over VK’s run and she said she just wanted to get out there and surf… and she couldn’t even surf. No, she couldn’t. I have no idea how to surf and even I could have been thrashed about just as effectively as VK.. Seemingly sincere, Holly reminded her that she did ride the first wave and was able to make her feel a bit better.

In the car on the way back to the beach house, VK calls her mom and is immediately crying. She tries to tell her mom about her day and just can’t talk through the tears. In the rearview mirror, a smirk crosses Holly’s face. Yeah, we know, Holly – VK made her bed…. Now she’s gotta surf in it. And it’s mushy. After VK gets off the phone, Holly reminds her that she doesn’t have to worry about going to bed early now since she won’t be surfing again till the second competition. Nice Holly. Way to rub sand in the wounds.

Back at the house, Danny is in the kitchen making spaghetti. More than that, he is enjoying throwing noodles at the fridge. He tells the camera that this is a good experience for him – that the house is mellow. Now, I’m wondering where Danny’s staying because I seem to recall that he’s sharing a house with Holly and Sunny! And mellow doesn’t even begin to describe it! I’m thinking it’s time to puff, puff, give. Puff, puff, give. Share your mellow, brah.

Holly is in the other room talking on the phone about her ride. And she’s stoked. Upstairs in her room, VK is on the phone with her mom. She’s not as stoked as Holly, but is looking forward to the next competition. Which must mean she enjoys getting bitch slapped by the waves! Seems like it would be more efficient to just ask Sunny to smack you around a bit. Not nearly as embarrassing either. Well, he is a legend.

On what I’m guessing is the next day, Sunny and Damien are on the porch talking. Sunny tells him his knee braces are broken, so he’s turning to his old reliable brace – duct tape. It really can fix anything! Sunny talks about how he likes being a winner, that he likes beating other people (clearly), that he’s not a bad guy and though he’s done some things he’s not proud of, he has no regrets and likes being a role model. Yes, role model. You heard me. He’s every parent’s dream, right? [SMACK!]

For the first time in the episode, we get to see Padaca. Though he’s out of the first round of competition, he tells us that he loves making his living off the ocean. When he used to think of surfers, he always thought they were bums. Me too. Now he knows it’s a great way to make a good living. Danny concurs. He says he’s playing and getting paid for it! What a bum!

And now for a lesson in surf lingo. Holly tells us that surfers have a language all their own. Each of the roommates tells us a word in surftalk. A Barney is a surfer that doesn’t have a clue. Sick is anything totally gnarly. Mushy… well, it’s like burger. Solid is a big, thick, wave. A kook is a Barney. And stoked – that’s what you get from surfing, don’t ya know? Lesson over.

At 8:12 p.m., we learn that there is a Roxy party from Holly. Sunny and Padaca don’t seem too interested, but Holly wants to go. She calls VK and tells her she wants to go, but that she and Chelsea have taken both cars. A half hour later, while watching Sunny and Padaca play a riveting game of backgammon, Holly calls VK again to ask for a ride. Two hours later, VK shows back up to the house and asks Holly if she still wants to go or if she’s over it. She still wants to go. At 11:43 p.m., they finally get to the party. And I’m over it.

Once they get there, Holly is going to get the keys to the car Chelsea drove and go to dinner with Sunny. But, as I previously mentioned, Chelsea has checked out for the rest of this episode, so getting the keys from her proves to be a daunting task. A million hours pass and VK finally finds the keys in Chelsea’s bag on the floor at the house. Wow. That was a lot of useless information, huh?

The next morning, the SurfHotline says it’s a go… and today’s swells are 8 to 10 feet and getting bigger. Right on! In the first heat of the semifinals, Damien is surfing against Sunny and 2 others. Top 2 will advance. It’s on!

The waves are righteous and all four seem to be riding well. The announcer keeps saying that Damien isn’t making a great show, but from what I see on my screen, he’s kicking ass! But better than them all… Sunny is riding great. The wave, Sunny and his board are one… he has the glide and he wins the heat. Damien doesn’t advance.

Immediately following this heat are the finals and Sunny walks to the shore in pain. He heads for the MedTent and has them stretch out his back. Apparently his knees feel fine, but his back is killing him. Bring this man some duct tape – stat! Messed up knees and jacked up back, Sunny hits the water for the finals of the Hawaiian Pro. The other house mates look on as Sunny to them is not just a thug, but also a living legend. Oh to be so versatile!

The next 35 minutes will determine if Sunny is on his way to being a 6 time triple crown champion. Sunny was golden. He owned the ocean and from the way he surfed, no one would have ever known that he was injured. Sunny is the winner of the first jewel of the triple crown!

When he walks back on the beach, Raina runs over to him, hugs him and kisses him! All other men – avert your eyes. This is Sunny’s girl and where he’s from, you don’t look at hot women. In the background, Holly gives him the thumbs up. Off to the side, with a towel over his head, Padaca hides in seeming shame. He tells himself that he still can win the triple crown – he just has to put on a good show in the next two legs.

Tune in next week when Sunny smacks some other unsuspecting guy, Danny and VK party and Holly complains some more.