The Para-Lytic Games opens in Glascow

The games officially opened tonight as the torch bearer from the previous host city, Moscow, staggered down the stadium approach road, before raising the torch aloft, and setting fire to the rubbish bin on a nearby bus shelter. He then loudly declared the games open, before falling over and going to sleep in the gutter.

The Paralytic Games first started 20 years ago to showcase the finest and most amazing drunkards on the planet, and in 2012, piss pots from over 40 countries will be taking part in the games over the next week.

The favourites to take the honours are the big two in global inebriation, Russia and host's Scotland, but rumours from inside the Great Britain training bar say that the Brits have a chance of grabbing their biggest medal tally yet.

Scotland's best hopes are in the 100 litres team pursuit, where team members, Hamish Gordon, Dougal Buchanan, Finlay McCall, Ewan Rennie and Mungo Driscoll, have been given training funds and time off work, by the Dept of Social Security, to build up for this event.

The longer drinking events favour the hosts, but they realise they face an uphill challenge to top the medal table ahead of the Russians. The Russians are the masters of the shorts game, and have never been beaten in the Shorts Putt event since the games began in 1992.More news when the games get underway.

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