My Top 5 Historical Catherines and How I Feel About Them

Henry VII referred to her as his “rose without a thorn”. You fucking kidding me, Henny-Penny? Ugh, of COURSE you cut off your wives heads. What a pig.

As for you Catherine, I wish I could shout at you “Hey! Catherine! Get some thorns, girl! That guy is gonna cut your head off anyway.” YOLO as they said in the late 00’s.

Anyway C How, fantasto work on all the straight fucking you did before and during your marriage to the king. Sorry you only made it two years before the big chop. Love ya. Cute

4. Catherine of Alexandria

NT; (c) Stourhead; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

aka Saint Catherine. Martyred – yikes – Catherine also had a torture implement-cum-firework named after her (The Catherine Wheel). Still though, Catherine, you are fine as hell in that red getup. Go get it, girl.

The real cool deal with this gal is that she’s the patron saint of female students. She’s the Nicki Minaj of saints (stay in school girls, just get that paper). But the downside here? There is literally no historical proof she was ever a real person, so. I mean, we ALL have those days. Also, I am still on the fence about the whole claiming Jesus as one’s spouse. I think you need Jesus’ consent for that. Or anyone’s.

3. Catherine De Medici

Huguenots? More like HUGE KNOBS amirite? Someone’s got a sour puss!

Seriously though Catherine De Med, you were known for your ruthlessness, and as a true hustler knows – for a gal to survive in a vicious patriarchal structure, you can’t just play the game. And you, ma’am? You were the game. You don’t get called “the most powerful woman in sixteenth-century Europe” ON ACCIDENT. [mic drop]

2. Catherine of Aragon

Betrothed at 3, married at 16, married again to Henry VII at 25, this Catherine spent a lot of her time IN DEMAND, which I can really identify with, although in a less “strategic alliance marriages” kind of way.

And you KNOW I love a ginger since the first time I ever saw Pippi Longstocking, Jenny Lewis’ child acting work and of course, the aforementioned Anne of Green Gables.

Here’s a great way to catcall C of A:

“Hey, Catherine – what you Aragon to do to this D?”

1. Catherine the Great

Look at this hot betch.

Ok, so turns out her actual name wasn’t technically Catherine. Her birth name was Sophie von Anhalt-Zerbst, but as we all know, great Catherines aren’t born, they are made. I identify mostly with her greatness but also for having lots of weird sex rumors floating around about me due to my extreme power and greatness. Also, doesn’t that look like she’s got a wizard want just casually in the pic? Of course this genius was a witch. Come on now. THE GREAT. Alexander was like “Hey! That’s my thing” and Catherine was like “Fuck off bro, you’re dead to me. And to everyone else. Hahahahahaha”