My story from hell

Hi guys, new to this board and glad I stumbled upon it. I'll get right to it.
First a family and personal history.
My father dealt with major depression all his life, got physically and emotional abused by his father, thrown out of the house at 13 to live in the streets.
All his brothers and sisters (5) of them also have this disease as well as panic and anxiety disorders.
My father was stable after marrying my mom but after 22 years of marriage he relapsed, remarried and then divorced a second time. This second divorce really sent him off the edge bouncing in and out of psychiatric hospitals, receiving anti depressants and numerous ect treatments to no avail. He is currently living in a nursing home and 73 years old.
As for me, I had a rewarding childhood, no family abuse, and was basically a happy person. I did have undiagnosed to this day narcolepsy, since the age of 13 which really affected my sleep. After an episode of an outer body experience at that same age during one of these episodes my life started to really change. I was so preoccupied that I really died during that episode that I developed panic attacks and obsessive compulsive disorder although I'm not sure of the relationship.
Things really started to turn after joining the military, where I contracted Mononucleosis, Epstein Barr virus, chronic fatigue, and basically had no interest or energy to do anything.
I returned home after serving 8 months and receiving a training discharge to find my parents had divorced. This really didn't afect me since I didn't really feel depressed but I still felt chronically fatigued after even a full nights sleep and basically unmotivated. I bounced from plenty of jobs, lived with various friends and family members and was very unstable with a low self esteem, OCD got worse, but was functioning.
I got married. had my first and only child at age 31, then started to develop anxiety and panic attacks just right before my daughter was born, along with high blood pressure. It took me one year and a half to get over the panic attacks, and was back to work after six months of onset.
My wife separated from me after I was unable to support my family because I was unmotivated and had no energy to get up to go to work therby quitting or getting fired from job afyer job. I than bounced back between living with friends and family like I had done previously in my past, than living with my father in a senior citizen building and taking care of him.
I stood there while working on and off and watch him just lie in bed not showering, eating and basically living a life of a zombie. After receiving a workers compensation check I decide to move out and reunite with my wife in Miami, Florida.
This is what basically what ruined my life. Coming here was a big culture shock for me. Practically nobody speaks English, are not as friendly as the people from New York, no public transportation, brutal heat and constant rain which keeps people from enjoying the outdoors and the like.
I was constantly arguing with my wife and blaming her for my misery and saying I was going to move back to New York after my daughter finished classes for the year(from kindergarten through the fourth grade). I never did because I felt guilty of leaving my daughter.
Then one day I noticed my panic attacks and anxiety have crawled back after nine years in hiding. I had heart palps, sweating, feelings like passing out and high blood pressure.
The day that changed my life forever was when driving my wife to work one day. We got into a heated argument when all of a sudden I had this terrible anxiety with all of the symptoms mentioned above and the feeling that I didn't know who I was or where I was. During this time I would also have terrible mood swings and always arguing wether it will be my wife, dughter or people on the road. I had to actually pull to the side of the road to gather my faculties. Since this day I have become a hypochondriac thinking I had every disease in the book, experienced constand derealization/depersonalization, felt like I was loosing my mind, thought people were after me, became psychotic, and the like.
I actually try to convince myself that my memory was gone, was afraid to drive because I thought I would get lost, questioned whether I really had a daughter or wife to pick up at school and work, and because of this(I think) developed severe anxiety and major depression.
I literally felt I didn't exist, couldn't concentrate on anything, lost twenty pounds, dropped out of online college, and basically felt like a vegetable.
Pretty much knew it was depression and anxiety because of family history but went to see doctor to have thyroid checked. Came back negative, but want to have more tests done to rule out physical causes before seeing psyche.
The problem is I have no health insurance and am just trying to tough this out without meds, and have the opportunity to move back to New York with my sister but afraid of having a panic attack on plane and don't want to burden her if I don't recover. I really believe I suffered a nrervous breakdown but to this day can't shake the thought of that feeling I had driving my wife to work(derealization) which I think led to my anxiety and major depression because I really felt like I was dead. Even after recently feeling better my ocd kicks in and tells me you feel better because your really dead.
I do really believe that my ocd led to this major depression by feeding my mind with negative and irrational thoughts but I can't get rid of these thoughts on what I have experienced and experiencing as it is 24/7.
I think it's a conpiracy and am afraid I have psychotic depression because I think my wifes sister wants me out of my wifes life by putting some kind of ********** on me but deep down I know it's my own ocd acting up.
Meanwhile I suffer each day driving my wife to work, taking my daughter to school, while suffering from anxiety, electrical shocks in head, feeling like a vegetable, and can't concentrate on nothing. Should I go back to N.y. and hope for the best since my enviornment is what is mainly causing my depression or am I predispositioned to have this considering my family history and now is the time to go on meds. I really think I can beat this thing without meds because my ocd is only going to tell me that the meds are going to permanently damage my brain.
Oh one more thing, my older sister who's a yar older than me recently was put on zoloft for depression this year. I really feel I'm feeding my depression by being a hypochondriac and if I would just get my mind off it I would be alright, but it's always in the back of my head.
Or do I really have Serotonin issues? Sorry for the long post guys but advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

This my suggestion. Get a proper diagnosis which will lead to the right medication, once the meds start working it will hopefully bring things into a easier light to where the OCD will allow you to get better at which point you should enter therapy.

There are programs out there designed to help those with mental health difficulties with limited to no income its just a matter of finding them

Realistically your advice is right on. Those would be the proper steps to get this thing treated. I'm open to the idea of counseling but am afraid of medication after hearing so many horror stories of trying different meds to find the one that agrees with you and the withdrawal effects. I want to explore the possibility that there may be a physical problem causing the depression. Meanwhile the only thing I do is investigate my symptoms from the internet all day diagnosing myself with all the major illnesses. It went from being a brain tumor to ms, to thyroid and now picks disease.
I heard this disease causes emotional changes, depression, no motivation, ocd, and repeating what others say which symptoms I do have, but can also be depression. I'ts a degenerative brain disorder with no known cure.
Does depression really strike so suddenly like this and leave you so helpless and out of it like feeling like a vegetable? Thanks for responding.

Depression runs rampant through my family bloodline and I have probably always have dealt with it at some level. When the major break down hit the depression just jumped up to a new level that I was not able to deal with. I went from a full time, high stress job which I had no problems in handling to barely being able to get out of bed let alone eat or do any other normal type of activities in a very short time period ...matter of days, as I was so overwhelmed I just quit fighting and gave up

Depression is a disorder not a disease so a permenant cure may not be possible for some but it can be controlled to the point where it will not effect your daily life once the proper action is taking and finding the solution that works for you.

Meds are a tricky business. What you need to remember is people who the meds are working for don't complain nor talk about it online. Be carefull on the source of the information you take in. Only those who have problems speak up in order to get help to solve the issue. Look at Effexor which seems to have the biggest following in terms of people complaining about it but Effexor is also one of the top three antidepressants in terms of sales and has been for quite some time. It does and can take a while to find the right med or meds that work for you which is very frustrating but as everyones brain chemistry differs it is to be expected but the right meds can make all the difference in the world

The best place to start is with all of the possible physical reasons why you are feeling this way. They find an answer then they take care of it and problem is hopefully solved. Depression does not come with a quick fix and it can take some time before it is in complete control. To my knowledge depression does not cause any long term physical damage to the brain it just feels that way but once the fog is lifted through meds, therapy and time your brain is still intact.

Hello. I was just wondering was their a trigger to cause your breakdown or did it come down like a ton of bricks out of the blue. Thats the part I have trouble dealing with. I can't see how one goes to functioning to non- functioning with no known trigger as is the case with some people with depression. That really bogles my mind. I thought everything happens for a reason. Is it actually a serotonin thing? I'm still going crazy trying to find answers but I realize the longer I think about this the deeper I'll be in it.
I'm afraid if I ever do get out of it I wouldn't realize it and forget what normal was.

In my case the trigger or triggers happened about a year and a half or two years before I finally completely broke down. I lost my father and grandfather in a short time period. I buried it and tried to carry on with my life. For whatever the reason it wouldn't stay buried and came flooding back with a lot of other events from my past then before I knew it I was in deep trouble. The chemical imbalance has a lot to do with it but so does the situation or circumstance that you are in hence the reason behind the therapy and medication combination. I really don't understand the chemicals in the brain and why they are fine one day and not the next. If it was just a one chemical or one brain action that caused depression it would be easy to fix but it doesn't work that way. Every med class effects the brain differently and it is trial and error til you find the solution that best suits your brain and stops the depression.

I have found, from experience, that breakdowns occur after a long period of burying traumas, and trying to "fake" my way through life. They usually occur from a buildup of events, as opposed to a single event.

Slowly, but surely, it starts to get harder, and harder, and then, I just can't do it anymore....

I have warning signs that it's coming...physical problems..getting sick all the time...increases in severity of mental disorders.....

What I've said sounds very simplistic, but this process can take actually years, for me....or months, or days.

From what you've said, you have been through a lot...it will take a lot for you to feel "normal" again.

Yonkerskid, I got dizzy following all the thoughts that go through your head, wow, that's a lot to deal with day in and day out. Like trg I finally fell apart after some serious **** happened to me -- my cousin was murdered, I had a miscarriage and then I had a falling out with my Dad. I have to admit though that I didn't get help right away and when I finally got a diagnosis I didn't take my meds. I was in denial and wonder if maybe you are too since you're looking for any illness other than depression and have strong feelings about taking medication. Sometimes depression requires medication even if for a short time. I hope when the thoughts get too crazy that perhaps you will get help, at least talk to a dr. about what you're experiencing. You don't deserve to feel that way. Anyways, I wish you luck.

Thanks for your reply. Yeah I always had those thoughts and disorders that I mentioned in my post, but mildly. After experiencing stress for the last four years living in a place I truely hate and being out of work for a couple of years I guess took a toll and everything suddenly magnified itself.
I guess I am still in denial and still believe I can defeat this thing through sheer will.
The thing that really put me over the edge is the constant feeling of derealization/depersonilization I've been experiencing the last four months on a daily basis.
My ocd and obsessive thoughts only fuel this experience by me telling myself I'm not really alive, have no family, and turned me into a hypochondriac believing I have a brain tumor, ms, an incurable neurological disease and the like.

This still may be the case but until I discount these illnesses I'll still believe I have them.

The funny thing about this is that I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel if I keep my mind occupied and don't think about dr/dp, but it will always come back to haunt me within hours.

This makes me come to the conclusion that my own thoughts are causing my depression and if I can only control them my depression will lift. Or is it really a chemical thing where once your serotonin levels are depleted medication is the only way to bring them back to normal levels, explaining why I can never get these thoughts out of my mind.

I'm going to move back to New York to see if a change in my enviornment where i was always happy will also help me, since depression is sometimes related to living in an enviornment and society where your not happy,(in my case truely miserable).

In my opinion....and since it's happened to me at a less severe level....

Your depersonalization is caused by severe anxiety...in my case this was the last straw in the anxiety dept.

The OCD is caused by anxiety....and since you didn't get the message from it...your brain kicked it up a notch to depersonalization.

Your health phobias are caused by anxiety.....

From the sound of your Dad, your depression has a basis in genetics, as well as negative thoughts.

While it is noble for you to think you can conquer all of these problems on your own, I don't think it's very realistic.

I had a phobia of driving for six years, where I didn't leave the house for the last year.....it took six years to go into remission, unmedicated. That was one phobia.....

If you were to get help, and tell the therapist about your concerns regarding meds, they could start you off at a very low dosage, where you would get an idea of any side effects, without them being full blown......

Please do this...you can recover, but you have been through too much to do it on your own....your brain has chosen a course, and will likely not depart from that course without intervention.

Yonkerskid, I'm in agreement with Pri Lily because in my experience there are times when I need medication and cannot do it on my own--I found that out the hard way!!! I just hope that you get help before you hit a bottom. As for the environment change, one time I moved back to NY to be with family and my depression lifted considerably. I had been living in California with no one so it really made a huge difference. Good luck with your situation, will keep an eye out for an update from you. -17