Headlies: Hornswoggle Celebrates Over 2,000 Days As Cruiserweight Champion

A large celebration is planned for next week’s Monday Night Raw to commemorate Hornswoggle’s unprecedented 5 ½ year run with the Cruiserweight championship. WWE is pulling out all the stops to celebrate the milestone for the wrestler originally known as “The Little Bastard”. “Remember the ‘Rock: This Is Your Life’ segment a few years back?” said Raw head writer David Kapoor. “This is going to be 10 times bigger and at least 15 minutes longer! We’ve got this incredible video package documenting his entire career. From dressing like a Leprechaun and hiding under the ring to being Vince’s son to his unforgettable run as the Anonymous Raw General Manager, it’ll all be in there!”

“You know, they said it never could be done. They said no one could hold on to the 5 lbs of gold for very long. I held it for almost 150 days, but this….this is impressive,” said former Cruiserweight Champion and current producer Jamie Noble.” “Everyone wanted the strap. The list of former champs is seriously impressive. I mean, we’ve got Oklahoma, The Artist, and Spike Dudley. Even Madusa and Daffney held the belt! It’s a serious accomplishment. CM Punk ain’t got nothing on little Horny. I’m so proud of him.”

“We’ve got a lot planned for him after this,” said former head writer Brian Gewirtz. “He’s definitely going to have a good showing at the Royal Rumble. Maybe even break Rey Mysterio’s record for longest in the ring. Then it’s the Road to Wrestlemania for Hornswoggle. Since Jack Swagger isn’t doing anything, we’re going to put him on a losing streak. It’ll be so bad that he’ll bring a blankie with him to every match to comfort him. Hornswoggle is going to steal it. It’s going to be so funny. It’ll culminate with a “Blankie On A Pole” match at Wrestlemania. We’ll give it plenty of time so people can really see the psychology of the match. It’ll probably go on after whatever match Daniel Bryan is in. Maybe he’ll fight Kane or something, I don’t know. Whatever, it’ll be short.”

A veritable who’s who of wrestling greats from Hornswoggle’s past will be in attendance to congratulate the 4’4 master of the squared circle. On hand will be fellow cruiserweight stars Jimmy Wang Yang, Shannon Moore, Nunzio, Funaki, and other former stars who still answer their phones. When asked if he would attend, Hornswoggle’s greatest rival Chavo Guerrero said, “You know, good for him and all, but I’ve moved on. I wouldn’t go back there if they gave me a solid gold Pepe. I’m now one of the tag team champions in TNA. I’m much happier here. They treat me with a lot more dignity respect than WWE ever did.” This was followed by TNA President Dixie Carter passing Chavo in the hallway and calling him “Homicide”.