Monday, August 25, 2014

Body Politic 3: A Tome on Bra Fitting and Body Image

I
got on the bra-fitting bandwagon well before there was an inkling of
trendiness about it. I've always been tremendously interested in fit and
in the nuances of the physical form (a gift bestowed on me by teaching
yoga). Moreover, I've always had a challenging shape to fit (from the
boob perspective) so it behooved me to figure out what was going on, if only to make
my life easier. I didn't imagine that my interest would become so
structured. At this point, strangely, I've advised hundreds of women on bra
fit via just about every channel I can think of. In just the past 10 days, I've spoken with three women on this journey. I'm particularly
popular in my office, where random (female) colleagues sheepishly ask
me to guess what bra size they should be wearing. For what it's worth,
that's my party trick :-)

I
take this work seriously. There are few things in this world more
worthwhile, in my opinion, than facilitating someone's personal
evolution, supporting one's improvement of self-image. And I've got to
tell you I have never encountered
a scenario in which a bra-change seeker has felt anything less than
much better (if not utterly fantastic) for having learned tons of new
info about how she's shaped and sized. I should also clarify that I have
rarely (like
count on one hand
rarely) met anyone wearing the correct size from the get go. Most of
the time, the fittee is wearing a band size 2 sizes larger than required
and a cup size at least 3 sizes smaller than what's required. The
larger or more projected the breasts (and the more the discrepancy between the "bra
matrix" size that the woman has been wearing vs. the size she requires),
the more extreme these ratios.

But
for the sake of discussion, let's spend a few minutes on the women who
are very pleased to have learned about their correct size, which is larger than they imagined, but who perhaps are less pleased overall with the new status quo... This does occasionally happen.

The question is why? And I suppose the answers are infinite, but I do like to narrow things down.

In
my experience, most women start looking for a new bra when they've
gained some weight. Why is this? Well, on most frames (and I'll speak in more
detail about this in a moment), weight gain goes
to breasts - either sooner or later. In some instances, the woman in question has
gained a just a bit of weight (perhaps she doesn't even realize it) and it's
gone everywhere (including her breasts). In other instances, the woman
has gained a lot of weight, she knows it, and she realizes that
nothing's fitting the way it did before. In truth, the likelihood is that neither of these categories of women were wearing the correct size to begin with - and
mostly they were in a too-small size (thanks modern bra manufacturing
industrial complex) from the get go. So when they're shown their correct
size, it's nothing short of shocking for every reason.

On this topic, you
don't need a PhD to know that modern people are much fatter than their
fore parents. Hell, they're much fatter than their grandparents. Never
mind the fact that we're unwittingly ingesting hormones at every turn
(which may increase breast size) and constantly stressed, which also
leads to weight-gain. It's no wonder that bras in the 32-38 A-DD size
range - a relic of antiquity - aren't fitting a large complement of women in the western world.
You're practically an outlier if they do.

Intriguingly, a limited subset of bra wearers do not gain
weight in their breasts. Apparently, I fall into this subset, the
members of which tend to be genetically large-breasted with a high
degree of natural breast density.

I can assure you, lately I'm no
stranger to the sinking feeling of having gained weight in a specific
spot - in my case my, ahem, pillowesque lower abdomen. But in the last 15
years, I've deviated about
half a cup size of volume from my personal norm. Now, by the same premise, I
don't tend to lose volume from my breasts, except by dint of gravity.
But, for those of you who may be uncomfortable with an increase in breast
size due to weight gain, you've got the upper hand. Chances are, if you
choose to, you'll be able to return to that size (albeit a larger one than you may have
originally thought) via lifestyle change. (Note:
From the vantage point of having boobs that don't get stretch marks or
tend to sag, the woman who remains a constant size most definitely has
the advantage.)

Remember, we're saying nothing of shape here, which is as relevant to
the art of bra-fitting and breast happiness, as is size, if not more so. For a bit more on this topic, check out this post...

The Hard Edge of Bra Fitting

Being
fitted for a bra for the first time - or the first time in a while -
can be emotional. Sure, there are some people who love "gaining" two cup
sizes. There are many who are so freakin' thrilled by how gorgeous
their breasts look in a bra that suits their size and shape, that they
cannot get over it, like, for months. But if you don't love what that
fitting tells you - that you are carrying more mass in one place (or in a
variety of places) than originally you believed - then it can really
fuck with your body image. Yeah, now you've got great-looking boobs, but
they're attached to a frame
that - till 5 minutes ago - you saw through a rose-coloured lens.

Moreover:

Some
women just don't like the size of their breasts, a matter they're able
to avoid considering by wearing a bra that's too small. Hey, it's valid
to prefer breasts of whatever size most naturally appeals to you.

Some women erroneously imagine that a bra fitting will change the shape of their breasts. While a good bra will most definitely improve shape under clothing - and while many women (including myself) assert that, over time, a well-fitting bra improves breast shape and buoyancy subtly - your breast shape is what it is. If your boobs sag in youth, if they sit higher or lower or wider or narrower or less or more projectedly than you prefer, alas, when you take off your bra, they're still going to do what they do.

Some women wear clothing that doesn't suit their "new" size and shape,
which can be a totally expensive pain in the ass. It's easier to dress
in tops that are too tight in the bust if you're smushing your breasts
with a bra that's too snug. I'd suggest those tops aren't doing anything for your figure overall, but certainly, some would disagree.

Furthermore... some women find it extremely challenging to accept that a number and a letter, associated with newly-confirmed breast size, are simply that. Truthfully, I struggle with this because it's not a pragmatic approach, and I am nothing if not pragmatic.

Y'all
know I like to see things as they are. That's why I carry a tape
measure with me everywhere. That's why I know exactly how much
circumference I've gained in my lower abdomen in the last 2 years. I'm
much more inclined to see things clearly, no matter how unpleasant - and
then to change them should I choose to (if that's in the cards) - than
to wander along wearing things that don't fit. And that applies to every aspect of my life. As I've said a zillion times, your breasts are no different when you walk into your fitting than they are when you leave. They just look better.

I do realize that the women who struggle with the tag are generally struggling with something infinitely more worthwhile: identity. For some reason, lots of women can overlook a weight-gain of 10 pounds, for example, but breast size hits you where you live.

Breasts are a symbol of sexuality, of fertility, of maternity, of femininity, of female solidarity, of youth (and its counterpart age). They should be perfect (whatever that means to you), so we tell ourselves. And when perfect means "mainstream", as we understand it, then leaving that comfort zone can be a mind fuck.

The irony is that the very thing that changes your breast size (not shape), much of the time, is that 10 pounds. (Note: I'm speaking of the pre-menopausal among us. Once estrogen goes wonky, all bets are off.)

So I'm going to tell it like it is:

If you are confident that you've been properly fitted and
you just don't like the number and the letter associated with your
boobs, you owe it to yourself to figure that shit out.

If it's because you never thought you could possibly fit into a 36G (for example), check out one of the numerous resources that shows you lots of breasts (in bras) of that same size. You will be amazed by how normal those breasts look. Really, there are not so many of us who fall outside of the spectrum of regular.

If it's because you've always thought your tits were too big and you loathe them (and this new info vindicates your concerns), then consider whether weight loss would likely make some difference, or whether you fall into that category of women for whom weight-loss and breast-size decrease are not aligned. For the woman in the second category, there's always surgery. That's is a
big step, it goes without saying, and I would always recommend that a
woman try to find pleasure in the appearance of her breasts before
taking irretrievable action. But it stands to reason, there are some women who will never enjoy the breasts they were born with. Some breasts are just at
odds with the body
they've been given to. Some breasts are clincially ptotic to begin
with, that's how they were made. Extremes of this shape (especially in larger sizes) are not a good look, according to
most. If you had a nose that you really didn't like, chances are you'd
change it. Life is too short to be unhappy with your appearance.

However...

If it's because you used to fit into a certain bra size and it was the size at which you could relate to your breasts, nay, delight in your breasts, then seriously consider making a lifestyle adjustment. You might well be able
to affect adequate change in the number or the letter just by losing a few pounds. Will either be as small as you would like? Well, that
depends on your goals, the extent of your efforts and your genetic
predisposition.

Having said all this, I assure you, it's often easier
to adjust your attitude than it is to change your body substantively. Most of us will gain weight as we age. And most of us will gain breast volume as we gain weight. How much does this bother you? Or is it simply a numbers game?

26 comments:

Such a fascinating read! I can definitely see my own cognitive dissonance about bra fit/breast size in this... as I assume you do too! ;) The thing I've found most disconcerting is the sudden sharp change in how I define myself. I've always been the smaller busted sister, and I've always thought of myself as small breasted. I would still argue that in perspective of my body, that's true! It's upsetting only in that it's a change - like when I had to admit that students didn't think I had blond hair, even though that's how I've thought of myself ever since I was light-blonde as a child. On top of that, sure, the chance to fit and flatter my boobs is unequivocally great - but damn, I miss the feeling of being able to buy $20 bras that give me the look I'm familiar with! I'm seriously cheap about things that I don't value, and I've never placed a high value on lingerie as long as it was colourful. (Really, we learned that Saturday, didn't we? And my drawer of past bras definitely backs that up.) Anyhow... the upside is my new bras are comfy! :)

The cognitive dissonance is rampant! Even when peeps can easily get with the new status quo - it's a shock. Imagine going into the store as a size 10 and learning you're actually an 16. That wouldn't play well, initially, even if you looked awesome in the newly established size. And just to make things more fucked up, bra sizing is antiquated and it isn't readily apparent that cup and band size are inversely proportional from a volume perspective.

It's not unheard of for women end up needing a smaller cup volume than they wore previously (if you account for the change in band size required). But the higher number throws everyone off.

I do find it hilarious that you were upset to find that your students don't think of you as a blond. Given how much I spend on my hair, that's a hoot.

I wonder if you will come to value the new bras (and searching for new ones) as you come to appreciate their benefits - including but not limited to comfort. I can't wait to find out.

While I have struggled with this off and on throughout my adult life, I am in a place that I am comfortable in my breasts, and wearing a well-fitting bra, most of the time. I've been avidly reading blogs such as yours for a good year now, and understanding things, even as I approach my middle 40s, I see the changes in the rest of me. (Softer abdomen, thighs and backside, balancing out my breasts.)

But at the end of the day, I come back to the words my mom gave me when she took me to Nordstrom, way back when I was in college, some 20 years ago. "You're breasts aren't any bigger than they were this morning, they *are* more comfortable!"

I don't like the number associated with my bra because AA cup bras aren't sold by most manufacturers and then they have the gall to rub in the fact that I don't wear the right bra like I am too stupid to read a measuring tape. And pretty much every fitting discussion ignores women like me.

I totally agree - the smallest cup size market is the most marginalized. Needless to say, this discussion focuses on the opposite end of the spectrum, but I hear you! I think the market place ignores you because the perspective is that the market is too small to be profitable. The blog scene is inundated (though never too much so, from my perspective) with large-bust bloggers.

Do you blog, Anon? I bet you'd find a lot of readers would be interested to follow a discussion you could lead!

Such an interesting post! I'm one of the people who was thrilled to gain cup sizes...well, at first. Now I hate it because that shit is expensive. I'd love to be able to undo my knowledge and go back to the 38DD that I somehow managed to cram myself into (it would probably 40DD now) just so that I can go back to finding bras at Walmart for $12. Now when I try (thinking I'll just take in the bands) it's so darn comical that I can't make myself do it--plus then I'd have to move the straps and....

Oh I know, which is why I really need to crack the code on making them for myself. But Kansas is like a bra desert--and with my particular "shape issues" there's a LOT of trial and error in online shopping. So being able to go to Walmart would be a major convenience. And given our current budget status, a relief to my wallet. ;-)

I don't know that the numbers themselves bother me so much, though it annoys me to no end when I gain or lose enough weight to have to replace all my bras; it gets so expensive so quickly. One thing I have noticed as I've gotten heavier is how my preference for having a snug band, which wasn't such a big deal when I weighed 100-120 lbs, tends to create a lumpy silhouette in the back now. A good professional fitting is probably long overdue.

On another note, when you mentioned the symbolism involved in thinking about breasts, I found myself wondering if you've ever had a chance to read a book by the always excellent Marilyn Yalom called "The History of the Breast".

I have to admit, I've never thought about bra-fitting as being terribly complex until I started reading your posts. I know most women aren't wearing the right size. The relationship between bra size and how we see ourselves is interesting. It's not dissimilar to the vanity sizing dilemma - except with jeans, the numbers keep getting smaller. Not many stores, even lingerie shops, carry reasonably priced bras for small-breasted women - 34B is usually the smallest. Often hard to know what a good fit looks like, even when in a specailty store.

There are lots of mediocre fitters out there - and as many women who don't really want to hear the truth, so this creates a suboptimal feedback loop. I think the reason that there's not as much focus turned on the small bust market is because, frankly, small boobs don't look half as horrid in a bad bra (or no bra). It doesn't make it right, but the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

As one whose cup size is in flux thanks to pregnancy, my measuring tape is my best friend. I wonder where things will land for me, but don't really have any kind of judgement or hang-ups about numbers/letters. Honestly, bra's are not so different from clothing in that a proper fit will make a person look their best.

Ah, bra posts, how I love thee...It is amazing how the brain goes on the fritz when it comes to body image and size. It's not like anyone is reading the tags or that as the commenter above said you're suddenly bigger than when you woke up that morning. I'm not sure I've ever really cared much. I do wish my mom had poked me a little to get a new bra in late-high school, but it was really going on the pill that caused the BIG change that indicated I needed a whole new drawer. I wasn't upset to be in something that fit and made me feel better.

I agree with splintersnstitches - I miss being able to buy a more commonly available size (ay my smallest I'm a 34D, currently a 36DDD). I'm not as bothered by the size as by the assumptions that are so often made. Just because I have a larger bust doesn't mean that I want a minimizer bra. And you know what? Sometimes I want to wear a bra that gives me an almost comical amount of lift (I actually had a salesgirl try to talk me out of a bra, saying that even though they make it in my size, they don't recommend a push up bra for breasts with 'volume'). Please just find me a bra that fits - let me decide if I like how it looks.

Yes, yes, YES!! All of that! I don't want an ugly and/or minimizer bra either, and I DO want a pushup thankyouverymuch! The one that seriously grates on me is the people who look at me (and I actually know my cup size) who say, "you can't be a G cup, I'm bigger than you and I'm only a D" or some such nonsense. Especially when you know they've gotta have a pair of 32Js crammed into a 38DD or something. :-(

Even at bra stores they give me the side eye when I tell them what size I'm looking for, only to have to savor that crow later when I'm right. Which *almost* makes it worth dealing with their snotty attitude. ;-) I think it's the barrel chest--it makes fitting a challenge, and works as a natural "minimizer" I guess.

Great post and great comments too. I won't even go in to my own complex cognitive dissonance issues about boobs. They all stem back to issues about looks and my figure and my parents vocal disapproval of both where I was concerned, but I'm pretty happy with how I look now, whatever bra size that may be, (I'm not telling but not because I'm embarrassed) and even embracing the fact that I could still stand to lose another 10 or 20 pounds.

Thank you! The comments are awesome... It takes a lot of effort to be happy with how we look because we will never look only one way (ask me how I know :-)). But I do find, on some frames (and I am no expert on which frames those are), the last 10 pounds (or the 10 pounds over one's "ideal" weight) are the ones that reflect on the breasts.

I wear thin strapped yoga tops as bras. Easy-peasy. For me, the bra fitting is simple. I don't wire. Ever. It's the trying to get the pre-drafted sewing pattern made for a 'certain' body type that is difficult. VERY difficult.

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