About 40 Whatever

BFF's Bad Kitty of Wishbone Clover and Stefania of CityMama are turning 40 this year and we're milking it to death, just like Jennifer Aniston. Will John Mayer write us a special 40th birthday song? No? Whatever.

This is what we were all dreading the whole "season" -- she actually put her kids on camera. Yeesh.

Like Stacey, the kids are cute and appealing, but you have to wonder: wtf does this do to their concept of how people meet, fall in love and get married?

Oh, wait. Did I spoil it for you? Yes, the series ends with a proposal, a ring (from a sponsor, complete with prominent logo placement) and an acceptance. And then tons of macking out. Yick.

Of course, that doesn't give anything away because the kissing just doesn't stop on this show. You get the feeling she gives guy at the Starbucks drive thru a buck and a tongue bath. Seriously, who doesn't she kiss?

06/03/2009

Okay, I know last week (or was it the week before?) I promised to stop being lame and post these recaps on time. And then I turned around and didn't. Curse me for the Gemini I am -- well intentioned, but easily led astray. Better late than never, here is Episode 6, when we find out who lets their kid go on a show about an older woman dating younger men.

But let’s be real. The only reason for this episode is to meet Travis the Near-girl’s mom, who is so going to be The Next Cougar. You heard it here first. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

The Setup

Viv, wearing serious whore boots, sat down with Stacey to talk about the “challenge” of meeting:

Colt and his brothers, but not their parents because their parents said, “Hell NO we’re not going to embarrass ourselves!” Or they’re dead – it’s unclear.

Adam, and his twin who was also on the show, who also has parents who said, “Hell to the NO.” He'd rather they were dead than know he's doing this. (Dude, you do know this is going to be on TV, right?)

Travis the Near-girl, his mom, and teen-aged brother and sister. Stacey was nervous because she’s “close in age” to her. Snort.

Jimmy and his Big Italian ... Parents. “All I can think about is his body!” Stacey giggled. "He told me, 'You and my mom will go get a massage and have a bottle of wine.'"

You gotta love that Northern California sense of priorities. I think he should win just for that. Oh, and also for his mad "skillz" in the bedroom. Holla!

05/19/2009

Stick a fork in me, I was done when Viv walked out in a smoking hot snakeskin skirt. That was all I needed to see, just give me the price and purchasing info. Sadly, we still had nearly an hour of Cougar to go.

This week the producers decided to speed things up, combining the Truth or Dare-Dare with the Herpes Kiss off. For the first competition, the dudes were required to:

Make out with Stacey

While she was blindfolded

In front of everyone

One after another

Do they all gargle with peroxide and get antibiotic shots every nights? I mean, it’s gross to swap that much spit with Stacey, isn’t it? If sloppy seconds are bad, what are sloppy thirds? Or sixths? At this point her mouth is like a train station. In her shoes, I'd be brushing my teeth with Purell.

That's why I'm not the star of the show. Stacey thought this was a great challenge, “because it gives me non-verbal cues.”

05/13/2009

Sorry, I failed everyone last week and didn’t get to the Cougar recap until just now. My only excuse is that IT’S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH. Which mostly means that this week I’ve been busy with 2x as much paying work (i.e. not this) so I can play all of next week, when I have a whole pack of family in town.

To make it up to you, here is last week, and I promise to do tonight's show first thing in the morning.

Episode 4 – Drugs, Cheating and Vomit

As usual, it started immediately with a Truth or Dare-Dare: Write down your deepest, darkest secret. Stacey read the two most scary, and those “winners” (sarcasm intentional) got to go on two-on-one date with her. Twist is that she sent one of them home.

“It’s time to lay everything on the line,” either Stacey or Viv said – I forget which, it was a week ago, but since a Mean Gay Producer SM actually wrote the line, it doesn’t really matter which gal said it.

Anyway, naturally some of these idiots tell the truth. The guys all look really worried. Travis the Near-girl is cool. He has no secrets.

Winning secrets:

Jon: “I cheated on my girlfriend. With her best friend.”

Ryan: “I went to rehab.”

I told you Ryan would have one of the "worst" secrets, even though he didn’t admit out loud that rehab was court ordered because he skinned a live bunny and then drank the blood. While stoned.

Sure, he only told her that last part, but check your gut. You feel the truth of it!

"I'm A Cougar, Not A Split Beaver"The date was a trip to an indoor skydiving place. But since that shit is expensive, the producers made Stacey do the elimination in the changing room, before the date.

05/05/2009

Warning: I'm starting to have feelings for Stacey. Yes! I'm beginning to open my heart to her!

Don't get me wrong -- the show is still totally trashy, the guys are all idiots. Stacey & Viv showed up one morning encrusted in sequins ... yes, in the day time! Also, wow, I optic yellow really is the best color for camel toe. Tasty!

But ... there were a couple of times when the guys were being all douchey, and Stacey totally called them on it! In a non-dramatic, no time for this shit, Mom-knows-exactly-what-you're-doing way. And it was kinda badass!

But mostly the episode made me cringe, and now it's your turn.

If They Had Talent In The First Place, They Wouldn't Be On A Reality Show

The "fun" started immediately with Truth or Dare-Dare #1: An impromptu "talent" show, with Stacey's four favs winning a spot on the group date.

Stacey thought this was a great contest because “younger men are
very spontaneous” which probably meant "always have a hard-on." It
certainly didn't mean "they're clever, smart, or funny" because their
talents were lame.

But to her credit, most of them probably were "packing heat" when they saw Travis the Near-girl juggling.

04/26/2009

Yes, I went back for sloppy seconds so you didn't have to. Episode 2 of The Cougar included Lubriderm, three Herpes Kiss Off eliminations and flames. At least there was cake.

Pumping Stacey

The one enjoyable thing about this show is watching The Boys compete in stupid contests. It's an endless game of Truth or Dare, where they can only take the dare. Gee, are the producers competing among themselves to see who can make The Boys look the most stupid? Contest code name: Shooting Fish In A Barrel.

Truth or Dare-Dare #1: Design a work out session for Stacey.

Inspired ideas included:

Imaginary martial arts

Bench pressing Stacey

A stuttering Marine with terrible skin, Lubriderm, and something about massage... I looked away

One genius tactic: "You don't need to work out, you're perfect, let's just talk. And kiss."

04/20/2009

Yeah, I watched The Cougar last week. I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to write it up before now. But holy Christ! It took this long for the holes it burned my brain (and my soul) to heal.

Who was the brain scientist watching the Bachelor who hissed, "Yessssss, thisss eeeees humiliating and delicioussssssssss, but how can we make it tragic? Psssssssyche damaging? Rich with ssssssssschadenfreude?"

Even worse, which evil genius responded with this pitch:

Let's get a hot "older" -- but not too old! -- babe

Have her date a mob of 20-something d-bags

Lube 'em up with vats of alcohol, including plenty of the good stuff, like Jäger. And Red Bull. Jägerbombs!

Stick them in a McMansion of Degredation in LA, replete with hot tub, pool (the better to skinny dip, my dear) and almost certainly an outdoor shower tucked away in a corner awaiting al fresco sex

Add cameras and a heavy dose of chagrin, then leave it in the dark where it will grow into a pale, poisonous, mushroom-like creature.

No, I don't think it will be back for a second season. And yes, I'll stick with it for this one. So let's get this over with. Here's what you need to know about the show:

40 Whatever Approved

Things to Do When We're 40 (The Not Bucket List)

A barbecue tour of the South

We'll start in the Carolinas and end in Texas and sample the best barbecue America has to offer. Why? Because we like meat.

Hotel Living

We like: mini bars, movies, and lounging around in our pajamas with our laptops right where they are supposed to be. We'll bring running shoes to pretend like we're going to work out, but really, who are we kidding. You see where this is going?

Knock some sense into dumb people

We'd love to be the camp counselors on a show like the Real World or Rock of Love.

Eating Dinner in a Vineyard While the Sun Sets

You know those scenes of a dining table set in a Tuscan or Sonoma vineyard dressed with beautiful linens and people sitting around it drinking wine and eating and laughing while the sun goes down? We want to be those people.

Yoga Retreat in New Mexico

Some of our fondest memories are of spending time doing yoga together. Do other wannabe yoginis spend the entire class laughing together? We do.