A insightful look into mothering children, surviving children, and a woman's life in general. Written by an in the trenches mother of three who's simply trying to dodge shrapnel and raise three fairly well adjusted human beings. Put on your flack jackets and enter the fray.

Friday, May 30, 2008

In the trenches

Parenthood is often a mixture of dodging projectiles-- milk, food, or other-- , laughter, tears, and triumphs. I personally consider my form of parenting my own personal Blooper's reality TV show.For example:

One should never pull a diaper off a newly woken baby boy without having a cover handy. Yellow rain does not just mean our skies are too polluted, thank you!

Having a newly fed baby "shake their bootay" after a full feeding will only result in laundry, mopping, and a disgruntled nursing mother.

Poking a sleeping baby to make sure she's breathing will only get you an unhappy awake baby.

Potty training requires plastic covered everything.

Your baby will never sleep when you want her to. And she will never sleep when you do. They have internal sensors to tell them when you've just gotten into a really good, steamy dream and they will wake up at the most inopportune time possible.

Loggins and Messina's "House on Pooh Corner" is necessary potty training music--sung by you, how ever many times it take Mr. Poopie to plop plop.

No matter what food your child requests for dinner, it will yucky by the time it reaches the table.

A parent should never potty train two boys simultaneously. Trust me. Bad idea.

Bunk beds for young boys are just wrong and guaranteed to involve climbing and falling. Repeatedly.

A urine dribble needs to be celebrated for at least five minutes.

You will yell at your oldest to stop killing his brother at least once a day. And the minute you turn your back, the mayhem will resume.

Forget about sex. They know you're doing it. They know what it results in. They don't want any more siblings and they certainly don't' want you to have a good time.

And when all else fails, they will band together to wreak havoc in ways you've never even dreamed of, including, but not limited to: poo-poo painting, furniture sky diving, and the ingestion of foreign objects.

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About Me

I'm a 30 something of three small children who rule my life with chubby, iron fists. I've been married to my husband for 14 years (the longest fourteen years of my life! LOL!) and have four pets, all named after alcoholic beverages.