It’s Wednesday, which means the week is half over and you’ve made it to hump day. But even more importantly, the new ‘bloids just hit newsstands. Lest you have to actually buy and read them cover to cover, we’ve perused each to bring you the juiciest, most fascinating stories. We’re sure each and every bit is 115 percent true.

OK! Weekly re-hashed the recent Jon and Kate Gosselin drama. Basically, the kids are supposedly screaming because the show has been temporarily suspended and they miss the film crews, plus they can’t go on their planned trip to New York City. Kate is pissed at Jon for spending all their money, and Jon is pretending he hates the spotlight but then downing milkshakes at charity events two days later. But, OK! did us the favor of making a photo montage of Jon spending money on Gucci shoes and Ed Hardy T-shirts! In the story, parenting expert Stacy DeBroff says, “They might as well deposit their earnings straight into a therapy trust fund.” Amen on that.

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have been spotted fluttering around Vancouver. In the least news-worthy article ever, two tourists saw Robert and Kristen and reported that they were “acting silly.” When one guy asked Rob, “Are you that vampire guy?” He said, “No,” and the couple laughed hysterically and ran away. The receptionist at their hotel reports that, “The Twilight experience has brought them together.” She is the most expert source in the piece.

As promised, OK! brought us wedding photos from Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s nuptials. In an attempt to make you cry, the article mostly talked about what a bummer it is that Lamar’s mom and Khloe’s father both passed away and how proud they would be of the young newlyweds. Apparently, during the reception, Kim andKourtney Kardashian played a clip of Khloe saying, “I’ll never date athletes again.” On repeat. [OK! Weekly]

In a much more interesting Jon and Kate cover story, Us Weekly detailed both parents getting makeovers. Jon apparently wants to get more “work” done? The story also dishes that Jon is accusing Kate of hiding money from him in various bank accounts. The cherry on this disaster sundae is that Jon hired his friend to put a sign on his property forbidding TLC from filming there. But his buddy spelled his name incorrectly. What a train wreck. Can’t. Look. Away.

In a high-creep-factor story, Us Weekly reports that Michael Jackson was actually in good health at the time of his death and none of his ailments (which included lung inflammation, arthritis in his spine, and plaque build-up in his leg arteries) contributed to his death. The only weird things found in his autopsy were that he had scars on his neck, a tattooed scalp, and puncture wounds on his arm. The pop icon was allegedly also about 24 pounds healthier than the media reported at the time of his death. Huh?

In an inside look at Dave Letterman‘s show, Us Weekly‘s sources say that when Dave’s coming down the hallway, it has to be cleared. “You’re not supposed to make any eye contact with him,” a staffer revealed. Apparently, his affairs were “an open secret,” and Midwestern women competed against each other for his attention and a chance to hang out on his office’s pull-out couch. One ex-staffer said, “The women there would stab anyone in the back to get ahead.” [Us Weekly]

After all the Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake breakup rumors last week, The National Enquirer says that Rihanna called up Jessica to let her know that she is not after her man. A “close” friend told the tabloid, “Rihanna doesn’t want to be pegged as a home wrecker.” The two ladies set up a tentative lunch date since Jessica was reportedly “touched” by the phone call. And Justin told Jessica there will always be rumors and that she needs to be prepared.

In case you thought we were done with the Mackenzie Phillips hoopla, The Enquirer will probably be pulling bits from her autobiography, High on Arrival, for weeks to come and interviewing “family friends” about what they read. This week, they report that Mackenzie worked as a high-priced call girl … when she was preggers. Her “friend” told the tabloid that Mackenzie actually glossed over the bad parts where she was pregnant, shooting cocaine, and working as a jet-setting hooker. The former actress reportedly told the source, “There were quite a few Hollywood big shots that got off on the idea of having sex with a washed-up TV star.”

I guess the David Letterman affair scandal isn’t all fun and games—The Enquirer claims it has sparked a $300 million divorce war with his wifey, Regina Lasko. Apparently, she hasn’t actually filed for divorce, but is super pissed and threatening to do so. Dave was apparently not violating any harassment policies at CBS because he technically works for his own production company, Worldwide Pants. (Insert joke here.) Plus, no complaints were ever filed against Letterman. Since Regina and Dave have been together for 23 years, she would walk away a rich woman if they did divorce. [The National Enquirer]

Remember when Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom got married a week ago? Well, Star tells us that his ex-girlfriend, Lara Manoukian, says she was still dating him when he started seeing Khloe! Apparently, Lamar has cheated before and perhaps only a week before meeting Khloe, allegedly proposed to his ex, Oscar nominee Taraji P. Henson, who said, “Whoa, slow down.” During the wedding, Kobe Byrant’s wife pulled Khloe aside to warn her how hard it is to be married to a baller and said, “Other women would try to steal Lamar … so she’d better go to every basketball game.” Dealbreaker!

Star also reports that Tori Spelling is suffering from anxiety and has been spending time at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center conducting tests to figure out what’s wrong. All the tests were inconclusive, but apparently her husband Dean’s ex’s best-selling book Divorce Sucks might be contributing to Tori’s stress. In the book, Mary Jo Eustace says that Dean used Tori for fame but was never attracted to her. An insider says, “Tori’s always felt like an ugly duckling, and now she doubts everything Dean’s ever done. The stress is killing her.”

Apparently, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are racing to the altar, even though neither is engaged. Ashley is dating Justin Bartha (the groom from “The Hangover”) and Mary-Kate is with artist Nate Lowman. MK was caught talking about wedding rings with Liv Tyler recently. And both girls want their buddy Karl Lagerfeld to design their dresses! Since this is a tabloid, they are competing and Mary-Kate would “love nothing more than to have people talk about her wedding for years to come—and forget all about Ashley’s!” [Star]

Life & Style is offering up 34 “Dancing With The Stars” diet secrets to help you lose 25 pounds like Kelly Osbourne. We get it: We’re fat, but do we really need 34 secrets? They also put the blurry shots (I assume taken with a camera phone) of the Jolie-Pitt twins on the cover while every other ‘bloid hid them safely inside. Unsubscribe.

It’s People‘s 35th birthday, and what better way to celebrate than with a recap of the past three decades and several “Now and Then” stories? One of which was a joint interview with fashion designers Diane Von Furstenberg and Jason Wu. Diane had her big career break when she was put on the cover of Newsweek while Jason had his when Michelle Obama wore his designs on Inauguration Day. Of her most famous creation, Diane says, “Do you think when I created that stupid wrap dress I thought it was going to be with me for the rest of my life?”

They also interviewed super models Chanel Iman and Iman, who started by repeating that they aren’t, in fact, related. When asked what has changed in 30 years of modeling, it is apparently the squashing of individuality. Chanel Iman said, “Now everyone has to walk the same way on the runway, no smile, no nothing. I got in trouble for winking at the audience.” Soon they will all be replaced by walking robotic coat hangers.

Further details of the Letterman scandal have come out in People. They claim that there have been at least five women in Dave’s life in the past 30 years, all of them “educated, funny and smart girls” as he was “never after model types.” Even though Dave comes off as being very charismatic and flirty on camera, one source says, “Off-camera he can be very uncomfortable around women—especially attractive ones.” [People]