National Holiday for Salmond Portrait

The war against ISIS has been struck yet another blow, as Alex Salmond has demanded that all Scottish pilots be allowed a day off so that they can attend a portrait unveiling at the University of Grangemouth.

Speaking to Flipside, Mr Salmond said that “In an independent Scotland, we would have to face the fact that from time to time we would have to go to war. However, we also have to consider that we would have our own unique holidays, and the unveiling of a portrait of a SNP member would definitely constitute a national holiday”.

When asked why he had picked the University of Grangemouth for the unveiling, Salmond said “Well, Stirling already have the stone, I tried asking Edinburgh, but they weren’t particularly keen on it, Glasgow are only accepting paintings featuring Nicola Sturgeon for the moment, while St Andrews agreed on the condition they could burn it on the face of a giant wicker man. In the end, Grangemouth was the only one that would accept it”.

When brought up in the House of Commons, SNP MP Mhairi Black took to Twitter to condemn the “schoolboy sniggering throughout the benches”, claiming that she was shocked at British MPs “making light of such a dire situation”, as Salmond’s ego, commonly referred to as the ‘embodied will of the Scottish people’, was being “trampled on”.

In response to the numerous tweets and memes directed at him on Twitter, David Cameron has agreed to allow all Scottish pilots the day off, even if they don’t want it, having been overheard in the House of Commons shouting “Whatever shuts them the fuck up”. Jeremy Corbyn had something to say, but we didn’t bother to pay attention.

At the time of writing, Alex Salmond is currently tied with Winston Churchill for most portraits of a British politician in recent history.