Anger, denial and sadness are all part of the grieving process. And remainers are feeling this acutely.
Photograph: Marcus Valance/Barcroft Images

Following last week’s EU referendum defeat, passionate remainers who have spoken to the Guardian have reported difficulty sleeping, panic attacks, lack of appetite and a low mood. Psychologists are reporting higher incidences of anxiety, with people keen to talk about how they might cope with Brexit.

Lucy Clyde, a counsellor and psychotherapist who practises in Camden, north London, where 75.2% of voters backed remain, likens the response to the result to the early stages of grief or loss. Until remainers can work through the stages of grief, she says, they will continue to feel bad about the result.

“What’s important is that you have your feelings. You have to do the denial, the raging, and the depression. If you let it unfold, and grieve, you’ll get something solid out of it eventually,” she says.

Finding out that more than half the country feels differently to you threatens a core part of who you are. It can make people question their beliefs. And it’s hard to accept that despite #bregret trending on Twitter, not all leavers wish they had voted differently.

“It’s immense to find out that such a level of division exists in the country. It makes us question our neighbours, and that’s a really big feeling. It’s something that makes us reflect on who we are, and the values we hold,” says Clyde.

For suffering remainers, the idea that they are empathetic people who were voting for the good of the country is a key reason why they feel bad. But Clyde explains that remainers must accept that empathy travels in different directions: leavers direct theirs to the people around them, while remainers may see a bigger world-view-type empathy based on liberalism.

“I imagine as a remainer you feel like a good person with progressive views that mean certain things to you. You may think you’re kind but you’ve come up against other people’s views of yourself. It feels like a big part of you is threatened. It makes for a shaky time.”

Calls to make London a city-state is a solid illustration of denial, one of the core stages of grief. Other examples include people threatening to apply for citizenship elsewhere, and the misconception that 52% of the country voted for xenophobic reasons. Anger, given that the referendum was such an emotionally charged event, and a need to lash out is a predictable response during the grieving process. Since polls suggest the results were broadly split along generational lines, family meetups are ripe for rows.

“It’s important not to burn bridges now,” says Clyde. “When you come out the other side of the grieving process and are in the clear light of day, you can then reassess how you feel about that relationship you’re considering ending. Just don’t do it now, this applies to both sides.”

Some people are reporting feelings that they should have done more to prevent the country from leaving the EU. They feel narrow-minded for not questioning that the remain camp might not win, and they feel guilt for not better understanding the majority of people they share the country with. Being labelled a metropolitan elite by leavers hurts, and if you’ve misjudged the mood of the country it only adds evidence that this might in fact be true.

“Misreading the temperature of the country makes you feel unsteady, shaken and uncertain. And in the case of people who work in the media it makes you feel as though you’ve done a bad job. Hearing from people who are telling you that you are in denial is very difficult. The guilt people are feeling is a sort of internalised hostility, from having someone else’s hostile views reflected back,” Clyde says.

Backing for the petition calling for a second referendum is part of the denial process that Clyde describes as bargaining. “Everyone’s looking for loopholes, questioning the result,” she says. Remainers have been struggling to accept that more than half the country want to leave the EU, and are insistent that a second referendum would result in a clear remain win. We can only start to reconnect with the rest of the country when we get through this stage of the process and accept what’s happened.

“When you lose someone, you accept they’re not coming back and start to think about what your life looks like now and how you make it work. Politically, for those who voted remain they need to look at how they can continue to hold their values and have a positive effect.”

Acceptance is the final stage of grief, and social media is proving to be a key tool in helping people to process the loss. People have found they’re using social media more often than usual, have been sharing and liking posts they agree with and signing online petitions.

Feeling like your value systems have been attacked by the majority of the country can be isolating. Social media is a good way to feel a connection again with like-minded people.

“Above all, it’s important to remember that you will get over this. Keep talking, don’t make any rash decisions,” Clyde says.

• How do you feel about the result? Share your experiences in the comments below, and we’ll use a selection in our reporting.