Monday, August 15, 2011

Ok, so this is going to be more than about sex appeal or just looking sexy. More like where I’ve been and where I’m headed. It’s going to be about how I see myself:

mentally

physically

emotionally

and how I perceive that others see me

So I have to start somewhere and as Maria from the Sound of Music sings, “Let’s start at the very beginning, it’s a very good place to start…I would say up through my middle school years I was a pretty average girl. Nothing to write home about. Then as I hit puberty, hormones took over. I gained weight (topping off at 150 lbs) and had acne issues on a daily basis. All of it just enough to have a negative impact on how I viewed myself.

Add to the fact that I didn’t feel like my dad loved me, had a terrible relationship with my mom (who I absolutely love now) and friends who were prettier than me and it all equaled a very negative youth.

Speaking of my mom, she wasn’t exactly a fashionista. She lived in business suits and on weekend had Mom jeans. Ugh, those mom jeans embarrassed me even way back then! She and I never discussed fashion. We couldn’t afford fashion. My wardrobe consisted of anything we could find cheap. I remember in high school she couldn’t even afford KMart. That’s how bad it was. So, I lived in t-shirts and cheap jeans.

I also was friends with a pretty popular girl who was adorable…and little. She had the big hair, the “in” clothes, etc. Then there was me. I remember one time she was trying to make me feel better and she trying to prove to me that I wasn’t “fat”. She asked her boyfriend what determines “fat” to a guy. You’ll love this. He said,

“If a girls stomach sticks out further than her boobs.” Well, clearly I was fat! You should’ve seen me. I had bad 80s permed hair, pimples and weighed 150 pounds. I stand 5’8 so it wasn’t like I was HUGE, but I was heavy and it was obvious.

One of the side effects of this negative attitude was trying to find a guy who liked me. Well, in high school there’s a plethora of guys and they weren’t all the greatest of catches. Now remember how unsexy I felt with the description above and you’ll understand this next part.

There was ONE guy though.

This ONE guy was sweet. He would write me the sweetest high school boy notes. He was kind and oh so adorable. We even went to my prom together. He was a year younger than me. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t prone to staying with a guy for long. And the thing to do when you dated a guy was to make out with them constantly.

Well, he didn’t work that way. He was really too sweet for me. A girl I worked with knew we hadn’t kissed yet and she offered him money to kiss me. He didn’t go for it. What the heck? Was I chopped liver? That was it! If he didn’t want to get physical, I was done. I mean, what girl in her right mind wants a boy who respects her and treats her right?

Those were the games I played back then. Go from guy to guy and see if I can find my self worth or feel good about myself. That never seemed to work out very well.

Then I got married. Low self esteem will help you make some seriously poor decisions. This being one of them. You should’ve seen me. Always in sweats and t-shirts. None of it cute, at all. I had no clue. Thinking back, it really is painful in an embarrassing kind of way to think of how I went out of the house time and time again.

After I married, had 2 girls, and subsequently got divorced, I went to college. I didn’t know what else to do. There I started taking Aerobics and loved it. I got into shape and I started to change. I lived with another single mom in her house and she had 4 daughters, two of whom still lived there. My daughters and I lived in the apartment downstairs.

I was still relatively young back then, about 27 when we lived with them. Her 3rd daughter had a really good sense of style and since I had lost weight I could fit into some of her clothes. While living there, I got a healthy dose of femininity to say the least. This was definitely about to help me as I started dating THE ONE!

Have you ever held yourself in such low esteem that you made some pretty crappy choices? Maybe more than once? How did you get past it, start to see yourself in a more positive light?

This was going to be a 3 part series, but I was recently inspired to add a 4th post that I hope might bring a smile to your face. =)

16
comments:

I'm afraid a lot of people rely on men to help boost their self esteem. You're not alone there, and you're also not alone in wearing t-shirts and sweats! Heck, I wear them all the time at home still. Actually add jammies to that too! I love that the 4th post is gonna bring smiles!

Love your post. I have too made some questionable decisions when I was younger. I didn't see myself as very pretty or worth it. now ont eh other hand I know I am worth it and see myself so differently! :)

Oh Mimi, I can so relate. I think on some level most women can. I was a chubby highschooler and between graduating and college I starved myself pretty much to be thin. worked out like crazy in college and always felt fat and plain. Missed out on a really great guy because of it. Looking back - I was beautiful, but never noticed. Now I'm much much older, wiser, bigger, but happier. and like you, I'm on a journey to get my sexy back, too! This time, I'll see what's really in the mirror, not that warped image. Looking forward to your posts!

Courageous post! I look back at my high school days and cringe. I did things just to be "popular" because even though I said I didn't, I DID care what others thought of me. Now that I have a daughter I hope that I can help her find inner self beauty and worth.

I can definitely relate. I went from the nobody in high school to being a who I thought was somebody. Now, in my mid 40's, I am back to square one. It is definitely time for me to make some changes-you know- lose weight, get new clothes,try to feel better about yourself. UGH-I remember being in school and my mom made all of my clothes-homely clothes. No wonder I had no friends.

This is quite a story you have had, and I admire you for the simplicity and honesty of your narrative. Also, I am happy to know you eventually took control of your figure and started to develop a fashion sense you find appropriate and that makes you feel comfortable in your body.

Just remember you don't really *need* to define yourself through your fashion sense, in the sense that who you are is much more powerful that what you look like.

With your renewed self-confidence, I bet you could go back to wearing sloppy sweatpants and t-shirts and still look gorgeous!

Whoever said school days are the best of our lives' was a fool! I loved reading this post. I will come back and read the rest of the series. I want to see how you changed. Thank you for posting. A lot of women will thank you even if they don't say it out loud! :-)

My mother was/is not a very feminine woman. I spent my teenage years gangly and feeling ugly. I didn't understand what a great source of power I had within me until I was older (and thinking that The Mister didn't love me) and a gay man (was your sweet guy gay??) showed me how to be a woman. Once I unlocked my femininity, I was unstoppable!