Is she, perhaps, part of some new movement, in which urinating on the couches of neighbors is considered a “new freedom”?

Then, when I clicked on the thing, I in the first paragraphs discovered that “New Freedom” is the name of a town in Pennsylvania.

In re the power of naming, I nodded: yes, of course, one would have to expect, that a town named “New Freedom,” would feature such events as neighbors showing up to urinate on your couch.

But then I got deeper into the thing, and realized it was all just another Stupid Drink Trick.

An intoxicated woman urinated on a New Freedom man’s couch Saturday night as he was waiting for police to arrive and remove her from his home, charging documents state.

Kimberly Ann Crosier-Crowley, 55, of the first block of John Randolph Drive, New Freedom, faces charges of trespass, criminal mischief, disorderly conduct, public drunkenness and loitering and prowling at night, documents state.

Southern Regional Police said that at 11:25 p.m., Jon Pizzurro, who lives nearby Crosier-Crowley on John Randolph Drive, called them to say she was intoxicated and would not leave his home.

“While waiting for police to arrive, the woman [Crosier-Crowley] then urinated on his couch in his living room,” documents state.

When police arrived, Crosier-Crowley ran away. Police caught up to a stumbling, pants-less Crosier-Crowley and asked her how much she had had to drink, to which she answered, “nothing,” documents state.

As officers tried to handcuff her, she resisted, and said she wanted to go home. When they asked her name, she said, “I think my name is Kim Crowley,” documents state.

Officers said they could smell a strong odor of alcohol coming from Crosier-Crowley, documents state.

Police then talked with Crosier-Crowley’s husband, Jeff Crowley, who said his wife had been drinking alcohol inside their home and then walked outside.

Jeff Crowley let police inside their home, where they could see “many opened containers of beer throughout the kitchen,” documents state.

Police asked him if his wife had any medical conditions.

“He stated that she was just an alcoholic,” documents state.

Here in criminal-law world, about 85% of the cases that come our way are, in one form or another, some sort of Stupid Drunk Trick.

There exists also the legion of Stupid Drunk Tricks that I have engaged in, in my own life.

See? Sometimes it’s best, to just rest in the headline.

With the wanton, willing, fiery and fierce New Freedom Women. Spraying urine across the couches of the land. As some sort of Statement.

Someone I Know, she works with a woman who draws a paycheck for pretty much nothing more than babbling ceaselessly, senselessly, uncontrollably; occasionally spinning her head round 360 degrees; now and then erupting into Tourette’s-like cursing at all and sundry.

This woman, she is like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Except she does not projectile-vomit green bile, or plunge a crucifix in and out of her vagina. At least not publicly.

With Halloween coming on, I suggested to the Someone I Know that she festoon her office with this wonderment, identified by the descriptive-dullards at eBay as “Halloween Animated Exorcist Spinning Head Linda Blair Sounds Decoration Prop,” and presented to you-all there in the image to the right. The thing, its “head rotates 360 degrees, the eyes light up and the mouth moves,” it “plays (6) audio tracks and the Exorcist theme from the movie,” and “spoken phrases include ‘it burns’; ‘keep away, the sow is mine’; and ‘I can’t sleep, my bed is shaking.'”

But the Someone I Know, she demurred, reasoning that bringing the outre object into the office—it would just encourage her coworker, to further rotate her head, and spew stupidness across the land.

Oh well. I tried.

Tonight, I am trying again.

Having witnessed this day Secretary of State John Kerry—he of the once and future “how do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?”—rotate his head and spit green bile and slide a crucifix in and out of his urethra, as he ululated screamingly about Bad Chemicals in Syria.

Even as Foreign Policy printed a timely piece about how, back in the day, the United States of Reaganoids were only too happy to assist Iraq, in hosing down brown people, with chemical agents.

Even as the US was blearily emerging from a week which witnessed the conclusion of a dizzying confluence of legal proceedings in re one of the more recent American imperial adventurings in “how do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?”

Wherein first Chelsea Manning received 35 years, for telling the truth; though, telling, wasn’t it, that there was an acquittal, on the charge involving the release of the war-crime video of an airstrike on Afghan civilians.

Then the driven-mad Fort Hood psychiatrist, who would rather mass-kill, than be deployed to Afghanistan, convicted on something like eleventy-billion murder and attempted-murder charges.

Finally, there was the hoorah, he who cut a deal whereby he would escape the death penalty by saying “I’m sorry” for shooting up an Afghan village. Apparently, this man, he was “bummed,” he was “stressed,” about “personal problems.” News to me, and to many, that murdering Afghans is a recognized outlet for relieving stress and ameliorating bummedness.

Meanwhile Sean Klannity, there on the radio, was yammering today, in re Syria, about “therapeutic bombing.”

At first, I assumed he was joking. I mean, I know the language is going straight to Hell. But there must be some limits. No one could seriously employ a term like “therapeutic bombing.”

But no. I was wrong. Klannity, he is on it, and he is for it.

I shut him off. For there is no such thing as “therapeutic bombing.” Not in my universe.

So I’m thinking: maybe there should be a variation on the Linda Blair-head thing.

Where, instead of her whirling round and burbling things like “leave her alone, the sow is mine,” or “I can’t sleep, my bed is shaking,” one could have a hate-radio or politician head, that spins round, and round, and round, and meanwhile upchucks bile like “we must therapeutically bomb to protect the homeland!,” “travel internationally only when wrapped in plastic and sealed with duct-tape!” or “danger! danger! scary brown people!”

So Springsteen married one. A sleek shiny sinuous blond girl. A model. Julianne Phillips. In awe, he married her. He, from a world of geek and grease. A woman considered, in his culture, physically perfect. She, a woman emblematic, of what he never dreamed he might ever attain.

But: alas: a mistake. Which Springsteen, less than two years later, began to confess—because confession is what he then did, in his art—in his album Tunnel Of Love.

One of the songs on the album, “Human Touch”—among the backup singers for the tune: Patti Scalfia.

Scalfia grew up in New Jersey. She was a geek, and a greaser, and a nobody.

In school, they laughed at her, and considered her stupid.

She was dirty and greasy and she played a guitar and she sang.

All the swaggering dillweed jockbrained boys, they snickered at the sight of her.

Springsteen and Scalfia: they belonged together.

Eventually, even they figured that out.

On the Tunnel Of Love tour, that was it for the Springsteen/Phillips marriage.

Eventually, even Ms. Phillips, was apprised of this fact.

Springsteen and Scalfia, each night, sang those “Human Touch” lines, looking into each other’s eyes. Their eyes the words written for.

Below is hardly the best version of “Human Touch” available on the intertubes. But it is the most exact. At least for what I want to extract from it.

Which is that these people—Springsteen and Scalfia—are deeply, intextricably in love. And more than 20 years on. Still, even, with sexual fire. All that evident from 0:05 to 0:30. He, there, displays that he knows he is a man, blessed to be with this woman. And she lets us know, that she also knows, that he is so blessed.

And there is more. Later in the song. But you get to find, and feel, that, for yourself.

As for the Platonic version of the song, that might be this:

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeahallllll right

so you been broken and you been hurtshow me somebody who ain’tyeah i know i ain’t nobody’s bargainbut hell: a little touch-up, and a little paint

you might need something to hold on towhen all the answers they don’t amount to muchsomebody that you can just talk toand a little of that human touch

i just want to feel you in my armsand share a little of that human touchshare a little of that human touchfeel a little of that human touch andfeel a little of that human touchshare a little of that human touch, and nowfeel a little of that human touchgive me a little of that human touch, and yesgive me a little of that human touch