So, how do you handle being verbally assaulted by a large group of christians trying to foot soldier you into submission. Its the most common situation I run into being that I live in a small town in the south. I hate raising my voice and having to shock them into silence, yet its the only thing Ive found that works. I've considered buyin a megaphone........

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Dear HamAttack,
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call
Signed bewildered

Dear HamAttack,
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker

Dear HamAttack,
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married

Better late than never.

To bewildered
Shut up your feet are not too long. I wear size 16 triple E wide.
Bald is the new hair and to fix that, try turning around.
Your friends are not your friends they're random strangers that have asked me to ask you to stop annoying them.
My penmanship is horrible so no letter for you. Also if you heard my voice you would be a slave to me fore eternity.

To Noise maker
Yeah that stomach noise is actually the long dormant desire to consume the souls of the living. With a little practice you'll be devouring souls left and right.

To just married
It's called stealth you idiots. It's not too dam difficult to perfectly blend into your surroundings in broad daylight and catch every noise you make before it reaches someones ear. If I can have a full bonfire party in the middle of walmart with the store and people catching fire and still not be detected....I think you two can mange this much.

Dear HamAttack,
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call
Signed bewildered

Dear HamAttack,
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker

Dear HamAttack,
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married

Better late than never.

To bewildered
Shut up your feet are not too long. I wear size 16 triple E wide.
Bald is the new hair and to fix that, try turning around.
Your friends are not your friends they're random strangers that have asked me to ask you to stop annoying them.
My penmanship is horrible so no letter for you. Also if you heard my voice you would be a slave to me fore eternity.

To Noise maker
Yeah that stomach noise is actually the long dormant desire to consume the souls of the living. With a little practice you'll be devouring souls left and right.

To just married
It's called stealth you idiots. It's not too dam difficult to perfectly blend into your surroundings in broad daylight and catch every noise you make before it reaches someones ear. If I can have a full bonfire party in the middle of walmart with the store and people catching fire and still not be detected....I think you two can mange this much.

Just ... fucking ... brilliant.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

So there's this guy - two of them, actually - and neither
is my husband whom I'm currently trying to work things out with as he's
done a total about-face after I told him I wanted a divorce.

Anyway, on with the questions.

This first guy is, well, he's something else. I didn't think so at
first, wasn't even attracted to him, but the more I got to know him, the
stronger my feelings got. He's not all that intelligent - one of those
atheist fellows - but I tend to see the good in people and I know he has
a good heart, so it isn't too much of a problem. Besides, I'm sure I
could change him. So anyway, here I am with a troubled marriage and here
this guy is with no woman to betray and no morals to keep him in check,
and I've done everything I can to let him know I like him, and I know
from watching television that people just bump into each other and have
sex all the time and I also know that men only ever think about sex and
that given half the chance, they'll pounce on anything that's available, so
why hasn't he made a move on me? I mean, am I living in a parallel
universe or something? I'm starting to think he's a closet Christian.

The second guy whom I'm in a bit of a quandary with is one I would consider my friend. At least, I want
to be friends with him, but I'm running into the "men and women can't
be just friends" conundrum, and it's all my fault. We were hanging out
one night and, from previous conversations I've learned that he's a
free-baller and so... yeah. He was sitting there in this light blue pair of
jeans with his legs spread apart in that relaxed position guys get into,
and I saw it. You know... it. Trouble is, this is the second
time that this has happened. The first time was after we'd all gone out
and he was sitting there in my living room and um, :clears throat: I saw
a very generous bulge in his shorts and frankly stared at it for at
least two minutes straight. I really like this guy - he's kind of
awkward socially, just like me, and we have the same taste in books and
he has this really funny accent he does, and anyway, I just really like
him and I don't want to feel like we're on unequal footing,
because no matter how hard I try to forget, the outline of his beautiful
member is tattooed into my brain, and far as I know, he's seen none of my lady bits. Help!

I've turned to you because I'm at the end of my rope on these dilemmas. I tried a book that
came highly-recommended, called Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth,
but I couldn't find any good solid answers. In fact, I ended up with
more questions! Maybe I'm reading it wrong? I need someone to interpret
this stuff for me because I damn sure can't figure it out for myself.

Eternal thanks, because, if I got nothing else out of that book, I'm
pretty sure I've got a cave deep in the bowels of everlasting hell with
my name on it. Maybe I'll see you there and you could come over for a
barbecue one Sunday. Hope you like babies.

(27-02-2013 10:13 AM)Escape Artist Wrote: So anyway, here I am with a troubled marriage and here this guy is with no woman to betray and no morals to keep him in check, and I've done everything I can to let him know I like him, ...

Asking for advice on how to make it even more troubled? ... ... ...

(27-02-2013 10:13 AM)Escape Artist Wrote: ... and I also know that men only ever think about sex and that given half the chance, they'll pounce on anything that's available, so why hasn't he made a move on me?

Not all men are horndogs. Girly's been monogamous his entire life. That ain't gonna change. ... Irrespective of gender, I can find people attractive without wanting to bone them.

(27-02-2013 10:13 AM)Escape Artist Wrote: I've turned to you because I'm at the end of my rope on these dilemmas. I tried a book that came highly-recommended, called Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth but I couldn't find any good solid answers., ...

You ain't gonna find no answers to this in books.

(27-02-2013 10:13 AM)Escape Artist Wrote: In fact, I ended up with more questions! Maybe I'm reading it wrong? I need someone to interpret this stuff for me because I damn sure can't figure it out for myself. ... Escape Artist, whose tongue is only slightly planted in her cheek.

And here is where GirlyMan hands off the baton to HamataK. Do your thing, brother.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

(27-02-2013 02:11 PM)GirlyMan Wrote: I can find people attractive without wanting to bone them.

How about the other way around?

You talkin' 'bout the contrapositive, the converse, or the inverse? ... Ah it don't fuckin' matter none. ... The answer's still the same. It's a constant.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.