Friday, April 17, 2009

It's 2am. We just had a "Conversation Of Confessions". Confessions of what we think of each other. Look, this is a post which ought to have been typed and sent to your dream, and not to this blog. I know. I know that you say that you hate my blog, you hate it even more when I write something addressed to you here. But I just don't let myself believe it. That's how my brain's formatted, you see! I would just like to remind you a few things.

1. When I started this blog, we had broken up (or, in your words, we were not in a relation anymore). I would not have started a blog if we were still going.

2. I never said I am starting a blog to reach out to people or let people know what I think, what I do or anything like that. If you remember the mail I wrote to Dada in "defence" of a blog, I had clearly stated that I just wanna empty my mind of what I think. I don't care who reads. I wouldn't mind if anyone read, because if others read and commented, I would know if I am as wrong, as bad, as illogical as you really make me think I am.

3. The blog was previously named "Because Of You". I had also told Dada in that mail, that I just wanted to write down things which I wish I could tell YOU. Things that you don't wanna hear. Writing them down here gave me a feeling that I'm making all that available to you, you could read them if you wanted to. You could, if you wanted, ever in the distant future, know what I really felt, what I really thought. You don't appreciate "thinking", I know, but you have, nevertheless, interacted with a lot of people like me, who can't help but think too much. It's a clinical condition, if you would say so.

4. When I write something addressed to you, you freak out. Becasue you think people read it and understand who the "you" is referred to. I have never agreed to that. Nevertheless, I removed my blog link from Orkut.

Five minutes over, right? Okay, no more of that. Enough of justifying my blog. Topic change!

Just a post script: I'll start a new blog. I'll never let anyone but you know about it. I hope that helps. Both of us.

Ok. Now, why am I here? I slept the whole day, well nearly the whole day. I don't feel sleepy now. And we had quite a troubled conversation today. I guess I shouldn't write it this way. You'll be more satisfied if I say "I had a pretty troubled conversation with you today!". I have had even more troubling conversations, even more troubling days, even more traumatic times with you since 11th June 2008. I am sorry about the date. I am not boasting of my ability to remember dates. It's just that a "thinker" like me doesn't easily get over the last kiss. I still have "ticket" in my wallet. It means I want to remember it. It's not an inherent ability. It's hardwork; hard brainwork.

Next time that Cancerian friend of mine tells me that you're still in love with me, I'll either ask her to repeat it and record it on my cell or just murder her. (Look, I

am being implicit!) The way you had rang her up to ask whether I'm okay, is supposed to show that you love me, she says. Huh! These are things I don't tell you. I didn't even "confess" it today. I said I'm fed up of being patient with you. You said "Then don't be!". If I obey you, I ought to unlock my self-control. I am patient with you because I hope you'll come back and I shouldn't rush things. You ask me not to hope so. Okay. I want to obey you. But then I have been taught not to give up ever! And it's not filmy. I want to give up. I want to move on. I want to get out of the "trap". But, tell me, haven't I tried to? Oh, why do I even ask you? You'll say no. But I think I've tried. And even if I haven't tried enough, I think, one day, you said that it's all destiny. That was two years ago, you don't remember, I know. But then, you ought to remember that you never imagined that you'll be over me, till 12th Feb'08, the day your elders made you see that you are in a futile relation. You ought to remember that you had never thought that before THAT day. What happened was destined to happen. Am I wrong here? Maybe. But even after 12th Feb, you had been with me for sometime. For a few moths. Why? Will you tell me that you needed that time to realise that what your elders said on 12th Feb was right? Will you tell me that you knew on 12th Feb, that you ought to get over me, you WOULD getover me, and you need those fucking months to get over me? Ha Ha! If you say so, I can't even blame you. Because you yourself had said so on 13th Feb! You had said that you'll need me for sometime. You can't end things abruptly, so I ought to be with you and help you get over me. And there I was, so pathetiaclly in love with you, that I had agreed! And I don't even regret it today! I would trade the world to see you smile, to see your parents smile, to see your ENTIRE family smile. I would do so. Even today, I will do so. I really have no complaints. I really don't. What I'm trying to do now, is to stop crying and write down whatever's crossing my ming HERE. So that, some day, in the future, you might want to read it! Fucking HOPE, you see!

I was sulking today, as I have already texted you, because you weren't cheerful. If you remember, I was sulking even yesterday, when you were grumbling about going to someone's house with a "waist-ache" and a sweaty, stinking body. It was only after you started smiling and laughing that I started doing the same. It's just you. You hate to think, I know. But if youreally thought about it, you'd see that it's just all about you. I am happy when you are happy. I am sad when you are sad. I am angry when you are angry. Even a large proportion of my likes and dislikes have become similar to yours! How can I deny the goddamn facts? There's nothing filmy about it! You are not just a part of me, you are the larger part of me. The part of me that's me, myself, is smaller. I'm avoiding the term "better half", hope you notice. Being a better half, or being in love has nothing to do with this. They have nothing to do with the fact that you are the only thing that matters to me. You and your likes and your comforts are the only things I care about, the only things that make sense to me. The ONLY things.

One more thing I couldn't say over the phone today, is that, it's just love makes a person filmy. It made you filmy too, once upon a distant time. Crying in a school bus stop, in front of friends who don't even know the real person, the real reason, is not just filmy, but stupid too. You'll say you forgot that, probably. Ask your best friend, then. What about the night we stood on the tank-bed and watched the stars? Wasn't it you who said that you have been noticing a star on your way? Or was it me who forced you to do that filmy act that night? Do you at least remember that you had called me up one day, right after you woke up in the morning, and asked me to come over? Look back at it today, do you think it's logical? Do you think it was logical or sensible of you to do it? No, you'll say. Yeah you say that too! You say that you regret whatever crazy stuff you did with me. You say that you really weren't in your right mind during those days. You say all that to me. Because, what you did back then was, according to this present YOU, filmy! Even you were so when you were in love. Therefore, you don't have the right to say that you hate my filmy stuff today, since you know, that I'm still in love. You want to try and be a friend, eh? With this great understanding of yours? How can you be my friend if you can't even pretend to understand me? How can you be my friend if you get impatient with me everytime I'm sad about you? I don't know about your "best friend", but I have literally watched you with your other friends. You're not understanding even with them.What you call friendship, isn't friendship. It's funship, in my words. You just adjust to them because you have fun together. Memories of funship can make one nostalgic too, and they make you so too, at times! Why am I talking about this? Because, for a moment, I was filled with hatred for you. It wouldn't have this if we were in a relation today. None of the bitter moments that we have would have happened if we were in a relation today. So, you can't blame me for any of them, you can't blame my attitude, my thinking, my activites for what happens between you and me. I don't mean that you have to blame yourself. I really don't. I think you should blame the ABSENCE of a relation for all that happens. You should blame "destiny" for all that happens. Because, if the Cancerian is really wrong, it's destiny which made you fall out of love. It's destiny which has kept me in it. And, it's destiny which will take us apart. I don't have to TRY to get over you. And if the Cancerian is right, then, please, stop all this. It's killing me. I won't ask you to live with me for the rest of our lives, I won't ask you ever to do anything that would involve hurting your mother. I know you'll never believe it, even if you love me, you won't believe, that your mother means much more to me than my own does. I would never dare ask you to do anything that you'll take you away from her. I love her. If the Cancerian is right, and you're just pretending to be out of love, because, you know it's a futile relation, and because, after all these months of "out of love", it's easy for you to be so, then, please come back. Come back to me. If there's such a thing called destiny, and it wants us together, it will weave a story of its own, without taking your permission, or mine. If destniy doesn't want us to be together, it will pull us apart when the right time for it comes. And if, there's nothing such as destiny at all, if it's all about how we make things happen, I promise I'll let you go when you ought to go. I promise I won't hold you back from your family, I promise I won't ask you to be with me forever. You have a guarantee on that. When you told me on 13th Feb'08, that your elders told you not to be with me, I didn't fuss, I didn't cry, I didn't react. I'd just said "So be it. They are right. I'll be fine without you." Even when you had told me about someone else proposing you on April Fool last year, I'd said "Yeah I will be fine. GO.". I promise I won't hold you back. Please come back.

Okay, so, after all the dilemnas, all the fluctuations in my decision, I finally went to the re-union. I reached on time. In fact, forty minutes before the others stared pouring in. I wanted to run away every mintue of that "wait". But then, I wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought I'd be. That, doesn't mean I was comfortable. I had just switched my sensors off. When Shreya said she read my "boy-friend's blog", my brain kept saying incoherent things to me, till I finally closed it's mouth:

1. Ask her who it is. You'll have fun.

2. No, don't. Give it a damn.

3. They still think I can have a boy-friend. Oh good, they'll never understand me.

4. Just get the fuck out of here. Walk out.

...

Okay, I didn't ask her anything. Shreya is one of the few with good English vocubulary, I like her, and I admire her vocubulary. I can't afford to get angry with her. Trishita, Nilashree, Poulomi Dutta...they are self-obsessed as usual. They're the ones who kept taking pictures till the end. Rumeli, the organizer, shared her time with most of the people, quite justly. Sriparna was her same pathological self, and, as usual, I wanted to avoid her every moment she came close. Poulomi Chakraborty was scary as usual. She ought to have been a transgender, you know. But no, she's huge as usual...in a lovey-dovey relation with a guy.... as usual? Oh, yeah. How can I forget Ambarish-Da?

Then there was Nupur, Debarati 1, Debarati 2, Sayani Banerjee, Sreya Poddar, Roshni Tafadar, Prianka Saha and other such people whom I never talked to, back at school. I just said Hi to them, and didn't associtae with them any further. There was Sayani Paul..I was glad to see her for too many little reasons. One of them would be Apurva...she's Apurva's friend. Another would be what she said to me, about me. She was the one who said that I haven't changed: I've evolved. Moumita Kundu, Sohini Ghosh, Elisha...something other than Carmel binds me to them...Dada's tution...DPL group...I didn't talk to them much...because I couldn't relate myself to them Mou, who was pretty cool, back in those days (she used to wear cargos with short kurtis) had so awfully decked herself that I didn't want to talk to her. I'm sure what I did or am doing, is not the right thing. But then what about Gourob-Da, her boy-friend? How could she compromise with her outlook? No, no, check, check, I ought not comment. Apologies to you, Mou. Sohini was pleasant. I wish I saw more of her in Kolkata. Elisha was again, with dark lip-colour and stuff...oh no, no commenting on it!

Nikita and Suprava were altogether an awkard feeling. It felt so weird to pretend that I'm interacting with them after a long time. All blames to Puspen, he kept me so much in touch with the two of them, and then restricting me to talk about him....gosh, it was....awfully awkward altogether!!

Sudeshna, preferrably called Tina, was a comfort...we clicked...or rather I pretended to click with her. I told her very little, I heard all her stories. In fact, I walked her back home after the whole party was over. I heard about Tutan's marriage and family issues...it was all so shocking...I couldn't believe that I knew so less about the girl whom I claimed to be my best friend for 3 long years! Tina updated me about Pratanu and her story too. I also talked with Prianka Roy a little. It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. But I don't want this re-union to happen again. I don't have any business with Carmel anymore.