Just the facts: CBR recap

Otherwise known as the Most Boycotted Race in Southern California, Chris Lotts kicked off the 2013 season with the CBR Anger Management Criterium, aptly named because he appears to have angered at least 43,082.23 local racers with his various diatribes, vendettas, opinions, and kneejerk reactions to things like “That dude once told a guy who used to know a girl whose cousin was friends with my car mechanic’s uncle that a dog from the animal shelter in my neighborhood was ugly. He’ll never race CBR again!”

But no matter. He still puts on a great bike race, and the prize checks clear. That alone puts him in the top .000001% of all promoters in the history of the sport. Oh, and the races run on time, the course is immaculate, and Chris’s yin is almost wholly obliterated by the yang of Vera, Christian, and Marco (takes three of them to cancel out one of him, apparently).

Anyway, to avoid being put in the Disloyalty column, I paid the $50.00 extortion fee Loyalty Club Membership Premium and now look forward to another season of fun and frolic until I get banned, too.

So, here’s the rundown in no particular order, as most of this was culled from wire reports, Facebook, whisperings on the NPR, and from my overactive imagination.

King of the Hill: Okay, King of the Flat Course. That would be Charon Smith. This year he has a monster team riding for him…whoops…”monster” is trademarked by ANOTHER TEAM THAT DIDN’T SHOW UP, so, uh, he has a killer team instead. The race photos showed a sea of Surf City Blue up to the line, where the blue faded to black and Charon made it two for two in 2013. The guy just gets better, and so does his team. This year’s showdowns after MRI/Monster Media finish their nail and pedicure camp should be epic.

Rocketboy: Aaron Wimberley has gone on the Wankmeister Diet apparently, shedding copious amounts of baby chub and the little love handles around his armpits (according to his S.O.). The result? An already wickedly fast sprinter is even faster–he nailed down two second places in the 35+ and the P/1/2/3 race. Nor are his fitness gains limited to sprinting. I had the displeasure of riding with him on the FTR, and the Dude Who Cannot Climb put the wood to all but a handful of bona fide climbers.

Whale of a Win: Jennifer Whalen took the field sprint and won the women’s 3/4 race. She has written a race report on http://www.cyclingillustrated.com that gives a good overview of the race. The women’s field had 22 riders, a solid turnout considering the sturm and drang that occurred after Chris axed the P/1/2/3 women’s category, with more fur flying and name-calling and hollering and boycotting and threatening and near-violence than the draft riots during the Civil War. I don’t know if any of it would make good television, but it was hella fun on Facebook there for a while.

Es geht: Usually, after I have major back surgery and a brace of twins, I don’t go out and race my bike. And even if I did, I wouldn’t be winning. Or finishing. That’s just one of the differences between me and Armin Rahm, who after having his spine, pelvis, and liver replaced (in an afternoon at a Doc-in-the-Box), showed up for the 45+ beatdown and took top honors.

Cat 5 Wanker on the Rise: Local South Bay rider, neo-wanker and all-round hammerhead Jay LaPlante got second in the Cat 5A race and third in the B race. Lots of people who train with him have commented on the fact that when he pedals hard it really hurts, and his regular antics on the NPR make him a wanker to be watched. Whatever. In addition to great results in his second and third races ever, he endeared himself forever to the Wankmeister and showed his mettle when I called him a sorry shit sandbagging sonofabitch on the last lap of today’s NPR for never taking a pull. Did he hang his head? Did he apologize? Did he look cowed and embarrassed? NO WAY! “Fuck off, dude,” he said. “I’ve been grilling and drilling up here all fucking morning. Where the hell were you?” This, sports fans, is the character of a champion! Go ahead and stick some more W’s in his column. He’s going to get them whether you mark them down or not.

“Schneider” means “Cutter” in German: Ryan Schneider also made it two for two, winning first out of an eleven-man break and winning the field sprint after lapping the field. In out-dueling national champion Rudy Napolitano and out-sprinting iron man Brian Zink, Ryan confirmed that he does, indeed have religion. Bike Religion. He recounted the race in great detail for Cycling Illustrated, and it was amazing to see that out of the eleven-man breakaway, his was almost the only name he could remember. Apparently, aside from Rudy, Brian, and Stefano, the only person Ryan could remember in the eleven-man break was a dude named Ryan Schneider, thereby breaking the Golden Rule of Race Reports: Thou Shalt Not Make Thyself Seem Too Studly As Any Time You Win Out Of An Eleven-Person Break And Win The Field Sprint You Are Already Studly Enough. Ryan will be cutting and slashing the rest of the year, rest assured.

Gettin his Mojo Back: Although he didn’t win, John Wike showed that he’s coming onto form with third in the 35+ and a very solid seventh in the P/1/2. Those familiar with John’s arc of fitness know that, in addition to being one of only three wankers ever to have fallen over in the 2 mph turn on the NPR (the other two being Christine Reilly, who I hooked, and Neumann, who thought he’d dropped a peanut butter-covered slab of pecan pie and lunged for the asphalt before it could get run over), once he gets race ready he will absolutely tear your legs off. And win races. Being part of the Surf City Cyclery stable, he poses a lethal threat to teams who will be trying their hardest to put the stops on Charon.

Beatdown-ready: Ever ready to ride in the service of his team captain Charon Smith, when let loose John Slover can wreak havoc. He placed second in the 45+ race behind Armin and will be a force as the year progresses.

Will the absentees please stand up?

No one could help noticing the absence of several seismic cycling forces on Sunday:

BBL/Shroeder Iron/Long Beach Freddies: Possibly part of a permanent Lotts boycott, possibly they were all getting their hair done on Sunday. Whatever the case, I hope that they come back and that Chris lifts their lifetime ban if that’s what’s been imposed. It’s just bike racing, and they make the races better and harder. But of course the only thing harder for grown men to do than shake hands and be friends after a bitter dispute over nothing.

MRI/Monster Media: Some say they were too afraid to face down Charon again so soon after last week’s beatdown in Ontario, where he won the field sprint by a football field. Others say “Bullshit!” because dudes like DiMarchi, Tintsman, Hamasaki, Paolinetti, and Karl the Great ain’t scare of no one. They also appear to have been having their annual ballet camp last weekend, so now that they’ve all been fitted out with team tutus you can expect they’ll be showing up in force and ready to kick ass or at least do some pretty pirouettes.

Amgen/Breakaway from Cancer: If you were in the 45+ or 50+ races and Rich Meeker wasn’t there, you weren’t really racing for first. When these guys get done dialing in their bikes, kits, glasses, and Depends, they will be clogging the podium, make no mistake about it.

The year of the professional amateur masters team?

With Surf City Cyclery, MRI/Monster Media, Amgen, Helen’s, BBL/Schroeder, Jessup Chevrolet, Pinnacle, Big Orange, and SPY-Giant all having huge squads, local racing, especially the crits, have taken on a strategic character that you’d only expect to find on a professional level. This is a bummer for dolts like me who just try to pedal faster than the next guy, but a real boon to those who can understand, put together, and execute race plans. Should make things fun, as long as it means Charon doesn’t win EVERY race on the calendar.

§ 17 Responses to Just the facts: CBR recap

Good point about the Master’s racing. It should be interesting to watch those hardcore tacticians do their work for master’s glory. I feel that, after seeing the pictures of a very posh Monster Media camp, that those dudes will have a serious advantage in terms of pre-race staging and photo-ops. It will be tough for Surf City to upstage that aesthetic in the future, considering their move to a very rapha-esque black w/ blue stripe.

Here are some more tidbits to the drama! Hoffy got all buttsore about the cut in 55/60 prizelist, I explained, then tried a compromise & he wasn’t having any of it – told me he was gonna boycott too! Oh well. McKee was also buttsore about the payout to 3-deep instead of usual 5-deep. I told him that I will single-handedly change the culture of amateur bike racing: the money will be with the pros, not the amateurs & if pushed hard enough, I’ll eliminate the Loyalty Club thus eliminate the money…upgrade & SoCalCup points it can be. He left with a frown that needed to be upside down!
Here’s my thing: being so emotionally charged in a hobby where one opts to boycott means that perspective is lost. It’s a hobby, get over it. I don’t club baby seals, I don’t molest kids & I don’t bang other guys’ wives. People had fun Sunday; it’s why I promote with a racers’ perspective! I think about how BBI/Schroeder could have had their van out there next to Surf City & had just as much fun as Surf City did, but they missed out – not me. The Machine ALWAYS grinds forward. When I stop promoting, someone else will promote bike races. One hopes that they’ll promote just as good as I did (or better) when I’m gone but no guarantees.
As everyone should know, now that all of my races are under USAC permit, I cannot legally turn away anyone holding a USAC racing license. I even saw some of my haters on Sunday! I welcome haters as it gives me another chance to get under their skin (again!), but it’s the boycotters who destroy this sport, not the haters. Thanks to Pharmstrong, we have yet to see the full effect of the sponsorship draught; this sport does not need boycotters. Haters, yes. Boycotters, no. Great write-up, 1st paragraph nailed it…buncha candy-asses that whine instead of race!

People need to read that part carefully: You have a valid USAC permit, you can race.

Whatever you think of Chris, your fellow wankers want to see you out there sucking wheel, flailing, getting dropped out of your own breakaway and, yes, winning.

All joking about the Disloyalty Club aside, I was more than happy to pay my $50. I earned it back the first race of the year.

My experience has been that if people just show up and shake hands, things go ahead and people let bygones be bygones. It’s when you stay away that bad feelings fester. My fee for Internet therapy sessions has now gone up to $4.48.

Cory Williams does the videos; he’s with MRI this year, so when he gets to play at my races, I hope he videos!

I can always get rid of the Loyalty Club, but that means all that funding will be evaporated & I’ll merely point to the SoCalCup and encourage everyone to acquire as many SoCalCup points as possible. I drop the Loyalty Club & charge everyone $25 for no purse, the Machine still goes forward (look at past Cat. 5, W 3/4, 30+ 4/5). Needless to say, it will be very hard to stay in the SoCalCup & miss my 9 crits, but feel free to bang head against wall.

People who stay away on their own volition hurt themselves – not me. IDGAF who comes & goes, I promote to flaunt it in the face of my enemies, to host a great event for my friends, to force people to listen to great music, to give all racers (including haters) a chance to show their sponsors/family/friends that they race via the FB photo op sessions & not for the coin.

Chris Lotts, you have me totally hooked on racing. Coming from years of running road races, your style and organization is SO refreshing. I am loving it. Cat 5 and paid up loyalty club member as of todayt…