Miley Confirms She Wasn’t Referencing Drugs In Her New Song, Aka She Definitely Was

Did you know there’s a drug reference controversy going on about Miley Cyrus‘ new song? Neither did I, but Miley would like there to be, so let’s get to speculating. In the decidedly uninspiring single ‘We Can’t Stop’, Miley has a line where it sounds like she’s either saying ‘dancing with Miley’ or ‘dancing with molly’. Oh cool! Just a coupla girl’s names, right? WRONG. You’re forgetting that this is the year 2013, and you are hopelessly out-of-date on drug terminology, you old coot. Get back in your cage before we have to take you out back and shoot you, you toothless mongrel!

‘Molly’ is the street name for a very pure form of MDMA, which you probably know as ‘ecstasy’. I’ve never taken it, because I’m a lady, but I’m told it makes you want to rub up on people and drink all the water in the world so that your brain doesn’t dry out and make you die in a tragic teenage heap on the dance floor. (This is how cool kids talk about drug culture, right? I’m doing it, huh guys?? Really making it happen.) When asked by a reporter at Rolling Stone whether the line is a drug reference, Miley responds:

“I have an accent! So when I say ‘Miley,’ it must sound like ‘molly’. You’re not allowed to say ‘molly’ on the radio, so it obviously says ‘Miley.’ I knew people were gonna wonder what I’m saying in that song.”

Okay. A few things. Number one, you are definitely allowed to say ‘molly’ on the radio. That’s not a swear word, lady. Number two, if you knew people were gonna wonder what you were saying, you definitely thought this through already, which is suspicious. And number three, girl that is not how accents work! I’ve heard your accent before, and it doesn’t change your ‘eye’ sounds to ‘ah’ sounds. Nice try.

Am I the only one who feels like Miley kind of created this whole controversy all on her own? Probably like 90% of people would have absolutely no idea what molly even is, so you’re really the one who broached the topic. It’s kind of like shouting, “Did someone say ‘Spin The Bottle’?!” at a crowded sleepover and then being like, “Well that’s a silly idea, so I couldn’t possibly have said it. We should totally do it, though.” You just wanted to talk about drugs, Miley, you crazy kid. Let’s not molly-coat it.