Saturday, February 25, 2012

Irony: (from the Ancient Greek εἰρωνεία eirōneía, meaning dissimulation or feigned ignorance) is a rhetorical device, literary technique, or situation in which there is a sharp incongruity or discordance that goes beyond the simple and evident intention of words or actions.

What? Big Guy “dissimulate?” “Feign?” (hee, hee – now that’s irony!)

For whatever reason, irony has been worshipped by the illuminati for decades now. Possibly because the Hollywood and New York Times intellectuals often tend to confuse cleverness with intelligence; wittiness with wisdom.

Nevertheless, irony continues to entertain the demographic we’re going after so Big Guy’s WTF 2012 campaign has decided to stick to that path. So here, as part of my weekend review, are a few contributions from loyal staffers to “Buh-rock’s Big Black Book of Irony.”

Buh-rock’s Big Black Book of Irony (BBBI)

1. The Blaze suggests that Tim Geithner’s recent CNBC interview might even qualify as “unbearably ironic.” Treasury Secretary Turbo-Tax Tim Geithner said the wealthy should bear a “larger burden for the “privilege of being an American.”

“That’s the kind of balance you need,” said Geithner. “Why is that the case? Because if you don’t try to generate more revenues through tax reform, if you don’t ask, you know, the most fortunate Americans to bear a slightly larger burden of the privilege of being an American, then you have to — the only way to achieve fiscal sustainability is through unacceptably deep cuts in benefits for middle class seniors, or unacceptably deep cuts in national security.”

(You can watch here if you have time, because to get the full sense of how, well, full of himself, earnest Toxic Timmy is you really have see him in action.) And rest assured, if Timmy had been a little wealthier at the time, he would have paid his fair share without complaint. Butt at the time, apparently he couldn’t afford to hire H&R Block to calculate his taxes correctly. Boy! That’s ironic. On several levels.

So the ironic question of the day is: if you don’t actually pay the taxes you are accessed for the “privilege of being an American,” does it count as bearing a “larger burden?” It’s kind of like one of those philosophical questions about trees and hands clapping.

One level of the “privilege of being an American” irony meme. (H/T to one of the MOLs – sorry I can’t remember who. Let me know!)

“Americans are tired of being tired,” Biden said during the rally, according to WXII. “It’s clear that the American people have decided it’s time to get up. They’re tired of being told that we’re in a long, slow drift.”

This one is a contender on several levels as well: first, the guy dozing off as if he’s being hypnotized by Joey’s words of exhaustion:

Then of course there’s the in-your-face irony of Americans “being tired off being told that we’re in a long, slow drift” since it was mostly Joey and Big Guy who told us we had gone over the cliff in the first place. Before they decided that the cliff was just a bump in the road.

And then there’s just the irony inherent in catching so many of Buh-rock’s czars and czarinas asleep at the switch themselves:

The American people are tired of being in a long, slow drift. It’s beginning to feel like we’re the frogs in a pot of warm water on the stove.

So as you can see, Joey is definitely in the running for this week’s Irony Oscar.

3. Butt before I announce who the Oscar goes to, we better consider this last minute nomination because it could prove to be the most ironic of all - the 17% Pond Scum solution:

"We’re making new investments in the development of gasoline, diesel, and jet fuel that’s actually made from a plant-like substance, algae – you've got a bunch of algae out here. If we can figure out how to make energy out of that, we'll be doing alright. Believe it or not, we could replace up to 17 percent of the oil we import for transportation with this fuel that we can grow right here in America."

As far asgreen solutions go, this one looks like gangrene to me, butt then I’m not a Nobel prize winner like both Big Guy and his Energy Czar Dr. Steven Chu (who you may recall was the forerunner of the “paint it white” school of green energy).

" As anyone who has had to clean a swimming pool or fish tank knows, algae grow quickly. All they need is light, carbon dioxide, and a little water to grow like, well, weeds.”

Hold the phone! Carbon dioxide!?!! – isn’t he the bad guy? That’s ironic. If we need it to grow our future gasoline supply are we not operating at cross purposes here? Shouldn’t we be trying to INCREASE our carbon footprints rather than shrinking them - in order to grow more scum? It’s confusing, because who would’ve ever thought we needed more scum around here? Now that’s IRONIC!

And we’ll probably be using it to run our Big Black Bus, which currently gets only 6 mpg on the highway (which is ironic in itself – as is the the fact that the BBB was not build in An America Built to Last, butt in Canada!).

So after adding up all the ironies in Big Guy’s 41 second clip, I’m afraid I’m going to have to award this week’s Oscar for Irony to Big Guy – again.

And while this is slightly off topic, did you know that “There is presently no accepted method for textually indicating irony, though an irony (punctuation) mark has been proposed.” I didn’t either. Butt Big Guy did and it’s one of the primary reasons he needs another 5-10 years to finish digging us out of the hole our predecessor put us in.

Accordingly, we’ll be holding a big historic presser next week to announce our new Irony Czar, right after we pick won. Our Irony Czar will transform punctuation forever by developing a new international standard Irony Punctuation Mark. We’re budgeting $56 billion per year for the first 5 years of the initiative, which will be offset by future reductions in the cost of printing in years 2020 through 2120. And while we’ll be reinventing the definition of irony along with new standardized symbol, here are a few currently proposed options:

And BTW, since I was speaking of our friends to the North: here’s something else that was built in Canada, and is ironic. “And who would’ve thought...it figures...”

His official reason for being in Florida however was to give a big important Presidential address at the University of Miami on our Energy Policy.

Our new energy policy

Butt don’t blame Big Guy.

Gas prices in Miami yesterday

And by the way, you can add Investor’s Business Daily to the growing list of media outlets we can no longer trust. They’ve clearly gone beyond “going rogue” and have slid all the way over to treason. They actually called Big Guy a liar for things he said in his big, important campaign speech on energy!

Butt they didn’t stop there; they went on to delineate what they call BO’s “Five biggest whoppers”

Big Guy at Five Guys ordering up five whoppers

"We're focused on production."

Fact: While production is up under Obama, this has nothing to do with his policies, but is the result of permits and private industry efforts that began long before Obama occupied the White House.

Obama has chosen almost always to limit production. He canceled leases on federal lands in Utah, suspended them in Montana, delayed them in Colorado and Utah, and canceled lease sales off the Virginia coast.

Butt to give Big Guy a fair shake: he didn’t say he was focused on increasing production.

"The U.S. consumes more than a fifth of the world's oil. But we only have 2% of the world's oil reserves."

Fact: Obama constantly refers to this statistic to buttress his claim that "we can't drill our way to lower gas prices." The argument goes that since the U.S. supply is limited, it won't ever make a difference to world prices.

In fact, the U.S. has a mind-boggling 1.4 trillion barrels of oil, enough to "fuel the present needs in the U.S. for around 250 years," according to the Institute for Energy Research. The problem is the government has put most of this supply off limits.

So, it sounds like the correct way to state this is “Butt you are only allowed to drill on 2% of the world’s oil reserves.”

"Because of the investments we've made, the use of clean, renewable energy in this country has nearly doubled."

Fact: Production of renewable energy — biomass, wind, solar and the like — climbed just 12% between 2008 and 2011, according to the federal Energy Information Administration.

"We need to double-down on a clean energy industry that's never been more promising."

Fact: Renewable energy simply won't play an important role in the country's energy picture anytime soon, accounting for just 13% of U.S. energy production by 2035, according to the EIA.

Not to mention most of them are, uh, not exactly economically viable (see above).

"There are no short-term silver bullets when it comes to gas prices."

Fact: Obama could drive down oil prices right now simply by announcing a more aggressive effort to boost domestic supplies. When President Bush lifted a moratorium in 2008, oil prices immediately fell $9 a barrel.

So I’d recommend the entire IBD staff should sign up for our early spring reeducation camp. Better hurry though – space is limited and filling up quickly ahead of our fall WTF campaign coverage.

Butt, again I digress. Back to Fundraising Thursdays, this time with Lady M in Cincinnati where she spoke before an audience at the Westin Hotel who had paid anywhere from $250 to $10,000 for the event. I don’t want to get off-topic again, butt does that really strike you as fair? Some people got to enjoy Lady M for just $250 while others were charged $10,000? Or maybe we just collected the $10,000 from some who could afford to pay a little bit more in order to subsidize the others who couldn’t? I don’t know, butt I’ll check into how this works and get back to you.

Happy to be here

Mrs. Obama was the keynote speaker at a reception at the Westin Hotel in Downtown Cincinnati. Donors paid anywhere between $250 and $10,000 for a ticket and exclusive access to the First Lady, who delivered a vigorous defense of her husband’s administration, saying President Obama’s work “is not done.”

“That’s right, I’ve got 5, er, 7 more years! We can do it – yes we can!”

“If any family in this country is struggling, we can not be satisfied with our own families’ good fortune," said the First Lady.

Our Martha’s Vineyard entourage: butt we’re still not satisfied

Mrs. Obama spoke for nearly half an hour to the people in the ballroom. Before that, she appeared at a private reception with big donors where attendees had an opportunity to have their picture taken with the First Lady.

Mr. Obama, dressed in a sleeveless black dress, was introduced by Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory, who called her “a woman of poise, a woman of elegance, a woman of grace, and, I would say, a woman of intelligence.”

Poised, elegant, intelligent: what more do you people want? Enthusiasm?

After her speech Lady M visited the Underground Railroad Freedom Center, where she seemed overwhelmed.

Or maybe just cold

“Who do we want to be?,’’ Mrs. Obama asked. “Will we be a country where success is limited to a few at the top? This country is strongest when we are all better off.”

Can we define “success?” Because I’m not certain there’s agreement on what “success” means. Big Guy’s NBA buddies would probably define it as making gazillions of dollars to blow on, well, whatever.

Others think it’s having enough cash left after paying the bills to eat out at one of those restaurants that serve fatty, salty food and sugary beverages.

World famous Cincinnati Skyline chili dogs and two-way chili.

So maybe what we have here is a failure to communicate.

“Will we let everything we worked for just slip away?’’ asked Lady M of her Cincinnati paying audience.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I really thought Lady M and Big Guy would be a little more excited about this historic event: the ground breaking for the new Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture.

Maybe the Wons were surprised to see Laura Bush, at the ground breaking. After all, she’s not African. Or even Half-rican. And even though she is our last First Lady, she’s not FLOTUS any more, so it’s not really FAIR that Lady M had to share the stage.

On the other hand it was under George W’s watch that Congress finally authorized the creation and funding of the newest Smithsonian museum.

So maybe I’m misreading this body language.

Maybe the Wons were just still singing the Blues, from the night before.

It should stand as proof that the most important things in life rarely come quickly or easily,” [ed. Say what? You don’t think Community Organizer to President of the United States in under a dozen years was quick enough?] Mr. Obama said of the $500 million museum under construction near 14th Street and Constitution Avenue Northwest on the National Mall. “It should remind us that although we have yet to reach the mountaintop, we cannot stop climbing.”

Which is an eloquent thought, of course. Butt I don’t get it: most people would consider becoming “leader of the free (for now)® world” as the proverbial pinnacle. Butt that’s just the way BO is – humble.

Mr. Obama didn’t refer directly to his role as the nation’s first black president, but he personalized the moment by saying he wants his daughters, Sasha and Malia, to understand the lessons that the museum will provide when it opens in 2015.

Although I think they’ve already learned the most important lesson of all: even a community organizer can grow up to be president in this great land of ours.

“If I can do it, you can too!”

I know you’re all curious about the lovely Peter Som frock worn under the house coat:

I know what you’re thinking, and I know she just came back from Asspen, butt it’s not one of those avalanche airbags you’ve been hearing about lately. You might remember it from last February at one of our “I the Military events hosted by MO and Dr. Jilly:

It’s nice to see Lady M still sportin’ the same look this year. Recycling during this ongoing economic depressionrecession blip is a good signal to send to the rest of the country:

This isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I said “We all need some skin in the game.”

Any way, Lady M is serving as honorary chairwoman of “Women who Obama” and as part of her contractual 3 hours a day of sacrificin’ she’ll be delivering "a message just for us about the progress we're making together and the work ahead in the months to come,"according to our latest email blast. So if you want to host a house party and want Lady M to phone it in, just drop us an email and we’ll make sure she makes a call to “get us fired up."

Oh, and did I mention: “The house parties also follow the Obama administration's rule to provide women who work for religious hospitals and universities access to free contraception through their health insurance.”I guess that means you’ll have to provide contraceptive coverage for anyone attending your house party.

And I’ve got another great idea for the house parties that I’m going to pass on to Jimmy Messina. I’m really excited about this: why don’t we just coordinate the “Women Obama” parties with a Mary Kay cosmetics party? That way we could really slap some lipstick on that pig in order to bring home the bacon! I think I’ve got gold here!!!!

And in the process, someone might even win a brand new pink Cadillac from Big Guy’s personal GM franchise!

The trademark soft pink Mary Kay Caddy: only available to top bundlers

The Mary Kay Cadillacs even have a special Mary Kay emblem discretely located on the lower side of the front fender, behind the wheel well. The whole thing has a certain element of understated class.

Even the color.

Sure, it’s pink. But it’s a soft pink. A very feminine pink. Not feminine in the sense of gender. Feminine in the sense of someone who doesn’t feel guilty about liking herself and liking men almost as much.

I’m not sure what that last part means exactly: “Not feminine in the sense of gender. Feminine in the sense of someone who doesn’t feel guilty about liking herself” butt it sounds to me like its got Lady M’s name written all over it.

Butt I digress: back to the house parties. Wouldn’t it be fun to have one of Big Guy’s “Women Obama” house parties here?

H/T: Attercliffe

It’s the former home of Mary Kay founder herself, and yes! It’s on the market again! And it’s still done up – inside and out - in a very soft feminine pink: “feminine in the sense of someone who doesn’t feel guilty about liking herself.”

Heck! Maybe we could even hold a party right here at the Big “Pink”!

The “Big Pink” as we dressed it up in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Week:

We know Lady M loves pink. And if she needs a new job when she’s done sacrificin’ for the American people, I think Mary Kay Cosmetics would be a perfect fit.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Big Guy explained how the Blues grew out of slavery and segregation, and reminded everybody that we’re celebrating Black History month.

And as we celebrate Black History Month, the blues reminds us that we’ve been through tougher times before -- that’s why I’m proud to have these artists here -- and not just as a fan, but also as the President. Because their music teaches us that when we find ourselves at a crossroads, we don’t shy away from our problems. We own them. We face up to them. We deal with them. We sing about them. We turn them into art.

It’s obvious that Big Guy’s administration has been singing the blues since they got here, and as a result have turned many a situation into “art.” In fact, I’ve heard a lot of people saying that Jay-Jay is a real “piece of work.” I’m sure they mean that in the artistic sense.

Although it does seem to be a bit deriviative

So did you hear who was here, singing the blues? Everybody who’s anybody, that’s who...butt not the Who. B.B.King – he sang “The Thrill is Gone.” I hope there was no subliminal message intended. And Jeff Beck, Keb Mo, “Trombone Shorty,” and Buddy Guy!

They cheered, they whistled, they cat-called! They held their breath, waiting for the world famous cock to take the stage! Butt before we got to hear Big Guy’s rendition of “Sweet Home Chicago,” we had to sit through Mick Jagger’s performances. He can still do the “Rooster Strut,” butt his singing proved that even a Rolling Stone can gather moss.

Mick rocks "I Can't Turn You Loose." More subliminal messaging?

Hoo-wee! That is one old cock!

Lady M and I gave Big Guy lists of our favorite Stone’s tunes to pass on to Mick ( or sing himself) and Big Guy had his own list too: (click to play any of them)

Wow! Prescient song titles! It’s almost as if Mick was a prophet or something. As if he knew way back then about the second coming…of Carter.

And come on! I mean, seriously, the last time Jagger and the Stones were actually relevant was in the seventies, during the halcyon days of the Carter administration. You know -- the last time the misery index was miserably high and the “Voter’s Economic Well Being” index was miserably low -–

Ouch! That last tenth of a point really hurts

Butt let’s not dwell on negatives: let’s be - as Lady M advised the Women of Virginia Who Heart Obama – optimistic! And have a little fun around here. Because what’s more important than having a little fun? That’s right, winning! Butt aside from that, having fun is job number won around here.

So that’s exactly what we did last night, on Fat Tuesday.

Cheering on the Chicken Man

Butt the crowd demanded an encore, they were chanting “Buh-rock! Buh-rock! Buh-rock!” And then the magic moment everyone was HOPING for: BO grabbed the mic, and burst into a little song. Again.

This singing thing is starting to get out of hand. Al Green? OK, a bit of a stretch, butt marginally on key. Butt now this: “Sweet home Chicago?” Give. Me. A. Break. Apparently I’m in a minority on this though. Everyone else has been astounded by Big Guy’s pipes. Just like they’ve always been.

Anyway, yesterday wasn’t all just one big Mardi Gras party. First we had to do a little sacrificin’. Lady M met with Middle School student musicians from around the country who were invited to the Big White for a music clinic with some of the Blues singers and writers. She dedicated 9 minutes out of her very busy day to inspire them.

You can read the the whole transcript in less than 2 minutes if you want, butt I’ve extracted some of the key points for you.

MRS. OBAMA: Hey! (Applause.) You guys, rest yourselves. Welcome to the White House. (Laughter.) What do you think? (Applause.) Do you like our house? AUDIENCE: Yes. MRS. OBAMA: It's the State Dining Room; there's state dining that goes on here.

Which really impressed the kids.

MRS. OBAMA:…Well, we've invited you here at the White House because we want you to know that you all have a place here -- a place here at the White House. Yes, here. This is your spot. We want this house to truly be the people’s house. That's something that we say -- people say, this is the people's house. We just happen to occupy upstairs, but this belongs to everybody.

Then one of the upstairs occupiers wrapped it all up, due to other pressing duties:

So I say all this, it's because I want you all to believe that anything is possible for you all. That's one of the reasons we do this music series. That's why it is so important for me to open up these doors, to have you guys come from all over the country to sit in the same chairs that kings and queens and ambassadors and senators have sat in, right? They sit right in those chairs. And I want you all to hear from people who have struggled, who have worked, who built up careers and art forms for themselves.

…But ask some good questions. And remember that you're grooming to be the next greatest something, right? But it starts with believing that you can be there. And half of it is walking in these doors at the White House and sitting down here, and just being here, right? Just get comfortable here, right? Get comfortable with a little greatness. (Laughter.) See how it feels. Put it on. Wear it a little bit, right? Feels pretty good.

… So don't be afraid of hard work. Don't be afraid to fail a little bit. Don't be afraid to trip, stumble, make a fool out of yourself sometimes. Sometimes that's the best way to get to your goal, all right? So I am thrilled to have you all here. Have fun. And I have to go to some meetings, okay? (Laughter.) So with that I will turn it over to Bob. You all have fun. (Applause.)

Because having fun is important, right? Almost as important as winning, right? Right.

So as we find ourselves at the crossroads of “The Thrill is Gone” and “Sweet Home Chicago” I say “Laissez les bons temps rouler!”