Couple of days ago Bart started repairing his blog which was hacked and infected by virus. He scrolled through his and our life, through years of constant changes and travels. He reminded me of events I have forgotten, of our publications, exhibitions. We were shocked to see how often we changed places and countries during some years. And than kids came along. And I realised I lost track of our own life. Looking at the notes on his blog was actually the only way to remember what we did and where we were.

I felt sorry that I stopped blogging, that IG took over because it was easier and faster, because I had months and years when I was completely consumed by kids and our way of life and everything I was doing before was left on the side forgotten.

If it did not bother me? Sure it did. Life is not linear. I went through all the possible stages, from being absolutely committed as a mother when Leo was born, to feeling of totally loosing control over my life, to being angry that I am not doing things I love, to feeling frustrated, than finding peace, understanding and accepting different seasons of life to trying to balance me time and kids time to failing completely. Because in my case it was not only balancing between kids and some kind of work but doing it on top of constant changing of countries, houses, flats, moving around and traveling. That is how we live and it makes it even more difficult to adopt some regulations that would allow me find time for myself.

I have felt so incapable so many times, comparing to others, to what I thought they achieved, how I thought they lived their lives. And all that time I was getting messages from other people telling me how incredible they thought was what we are doing, asking me how I manage to do it all with kids and letting me know that comparing to me they feel frustrated.

Life is a journey, not in sense of traveling from place to place but journey we have to make in order to get some understanding. I see it as if I was climbing a steep mountain to the top, some sections being more difficult to conquer than the others, and each time I move little higher I have a better view of what is left in the bottom , I see more more of it, I understand more of it and I am heading higher to get the best view and to gain so much needed distance, to understand that looking works best if you don’t look at one small piece but you see the whole. And that is the journey of life, coming to a consciousness that would bring us easiness of mind.

I still tend to compare myself, I will never get completely rid of that horrible and destructive doing because it became written in my cells since I was a child and I took it for my own. But at least while climbing my own mountain of consciousness I am learning the ability of looking at things from distance and sometimes I have moments when it feels like somebody just opened curtains and let the light into the room so for a moment I get to see the what actually is around me not just a foggy outlines.

And just so I thought it would be great to keep this diary of our crazy life going on, because in next ten years of time I am sure gonna be thankful for collected and catalogued memories. I want to remember this particular time when we came to Croatia and how what was a peaceful stay at the beginning changed into science fiction like movie and how within days everything changed.

For long time Croatia seemed to ignore Covid-19, just couple of days ago when Italy was already beaten up on the knees, when people in Slovakia and Poland were closed at homes, Croatians were sitting in cafes, smoking, drinking and chatting, parkings in front of shopping malls were full, social distancing meant hugging and kissing on the streets, people breathing on your neck in waiting lines and wearing a mask was more dangerous than helpful because they would look at you with panic and fear like you were a threat to society.

It only took about three days to wake up to completely different word. Virus spreads very fast, people are scared and foreigners are suspicious. We can’t drive a car from one town to another and have to rely on a small shop in our village that is running our of goods. The earthquake in Zaherb was strongest one in 140 years and it made the whole situation even worse because people were not in quarantine, they were running out of their homes in panic and some hospitals had to be evacuated. This is a strange, uneasy time that attacks my anxieties, but I want to remember these days fully. For the fear, for the adrenaline when going to do basic shopping, for the tension between people, for the horrific pictures from streets of Italy filled with army cars loaded with coffins, for how I am getting used to seeing people dressed in white protective suits on the evening news, for not knowing how faces of some members of new Slovak government look because I only see them in masks on TV, for moments of panic, for moments of peace, for seeing solidarity among people and seeing evil too.

I don’t know what will happen in one month and I can’t imagine how things will look after this is over. Life was never such an opened question and I want to remember all of it because it is one of the sections on my mountain of consciousness that I have to conquer, one more step on my journey and I know that once I do I will understand myself better.

Is that really already two years ago? Yesterday Bart finished putting this video together, two years after our trip to Asia. I watched it and smiled but it hurt. Passing of time, without mercy without compromises. I could feel emotions from those particular moments, I have a visual memory and remember all the details, but emotions are the strangest because I can still feel them they are so alive. Having this kind of memories is so awkward in a way. Just like scrolling through the photos on the phone, couple moves of a finger and you are transmitted in time. My phone has a memory of photographs since Gaias birth. I scroll for seconds and suddenly I see Gaias first breaths while she sits next to me and hugs me. Its a great gift to be able to do so but it also reminds me in a very tangible and straight forward way of all the yesterdays that are gone. And today I get frustrated because kids don’t listen to me, I get frustrated because once again as for past months I did not manage to find time for myself to work one projects that sit in my mind. And than today I watch our video from two years ago and I feel I don’t care about those small, unimportant obstacles that make motherhood so exhausting, and I fell I don’t have enough. I am with my kids practically 24/7 and yet I feel it is not enough, because my mind is very often far away and it is only my body that moves around, because I think about things I might be missing on, jobs, work, projects, meeting people, life. And than I watch our video and I know those moments when my mind travels to the dark corners of doubts, comparation, self pity and fear are the moments that I regret most. Because those moments don’t give me anything in change for the intentional time they take away from me. Because I love to be with my kids and watch them grow and change and hold them and show them world and laugh with them. They piss me of like nobody else but make me happy like nobody else, make me full, they fill my cup and empty my cup. But this is me, I don’t need much from life, I don’t have high expectations, I am the woman who wants to live life with kids while they want. Because inn the evening when they fall asleep and I have moment to think I don’t find myself regretting that I said no to the offered jobs or to the invitations to parties or cooperations. I only find myself regretting the time that has passed and I was not present and I was not humble.

I tend to put myself down for many things, I tend to be hard on myself and cut my own wings. I fight that with small success but in the mess of it all there are some bright moments when things seems to make sense, when everything is so clear and I feel like I understand who I am. And that I do it just right, giving my family time and also slowly finding time to do my stuff because Leo and Gaia now have longer and longer periods where they drift into their imaginary world of play. But I know that for those years to come I will try to get most of the time we have together because it is most valuable, most beautifully and happily spent life.

HERE
after what feels like eternity
we bought this house one year ago
we celebrated Gaia’s second birthday here

I was closest to feeling totally content here
than came winter
we left and traveled
we moved from one place to another
in a search for perfect “home”
and this little place was waiting patiently
waiting like it was for years
day and night passing
rain, sun, wind, cold and heat
just being, no matter what humans do
continuity of life above all our worries and demands
and we finally came back
because this place is magic
this is where the heartbeat and breath slow down
where we are saved from unimportant triggers
where we are different because the energy around us is different
where all we see looking out of the windows are trees that don’t care
that live their silent lives, that grow and change
that are mother nature
that teach us how surrender to the rhythm that is above us
stronger than us

Before the year is over it is good to finish everything that had been started and remains hanging somewhere in between and to close all the subjects to not carry on with old topics. Something new is to come and its great to have that imaginary cleansing bath, to wake up in a fresh smelling sheets and have a chance of pretending that it is not just another regular day but that we can do something from scratch with new cards in hand. New Year is behind the corner and we will be lucky to travel together once again in another part of the world, and so to close the old one I share a video from our veeeery laid back trip to England. The place was a huge surprise to us and we want to be back again next year if it will be possible.

And to those of you who still come here once in a while to check if I woke up from my publishing lethargy I would like from the deepest of my heart wish that the next year would be a year of positive changes, as that is something we all need constantly. I wish you patience, calmness, closeness, balance, minimalism in materialism, and maximalism in relationships, conscious ecological choices and happiness. Every time you can choose happy and choose love. Don’t be a storage of negative emotions and don’t let emotions rule your world. Be opened to them and let them pass. I know it sounds so banal but I believe that it actually is that simple we just learned to make it unnecessary complicated. OK that was actually what I wish for myself but I wish you the same. See you in 2018. ❤️

I was in Japan twice in my life. First time I was pregnant with Leo, second time with Gaia. Having kids is an amaizing one of a kind, unique journey which I wish I started much sooner so we could have at least tree little people but I know this will not happen anymore. So at least next time I go to Japan I will fully enjoy some hot baths. This little blink is a continuation of our trip one year ago as a family of 4 already. Gaia than was HUGE, SCARY unknow to us. And today all the pieces of our puzzle are in the right place. Its nice to be family of four. Everything is just perfect

It is little off topic maybe, for sure out of date….video from our trip to NZ one year ago
Life is just to fast…and I should not have watched it this morning. Seeing Leo so small and cute and still a baby tore me appart. Its unfair that babies are babies for so short and everything else takes ages. I blinked my eyes and he is suddenly so grown up and big and independent and I miss his tinyness. I remember that I always wanted to soak in every single moment with him to feel and keep in my memory and it is only one year and so many moments have been forgoten. I want to recall that touch on his little nose, my fingers through his long hair that were soft like feathers but all I have is videos to remind me of those ephemeral seconds, blinks. And I am thankfull we could have such moments together but its not enough, nothing is enough to soak it all in and not let go.

I could not wait to leave NZ. It felt as if NZ was part of a bad dream that we were gonna wake up from the moment our plane takes of , I was counting minutes after Mr.B’s surgery as he could not fly for one week. I was nervous, unconcentrated, desperate, confused, edgy, irritated and sorry. I was sorry for Leo with whom I could not be as patient as I wished to be and to whom I had almost none energy to offer for careless running around and playing, I was sorry for Mr.B who has been working his ass of to pay for this dream trip and now everything was just so fucked up, we had to pay extra money to rebook flights, pay for extra nights in Auckland, pay fees for changing bookings in Japan as our trip there was shortened and all that in a burial mood. Where was all the happiness, showers of joy and laughter that we have pictured. I could see how depressed he was getting day by day and how angry he was at himself for not being able to get his bad mood under control which in the end resulted in our fights. We were fighting like rabid dogs, our nerves were irritated to such point that every little change of the mood of one of us caused an unmanageable explosion of anger of the other and although we have tried to discuss it in the moments of delicate peace, comprehending how important it is that we stand side by side now and support each other it did not help any and even these discussion ended /in a better scenario/ in a bitter cold silence. I was sorry for the little baby that grew inside of me, I was sorry that I could not develop all the feelings it deserved form its mother, I was sorry for myself to have to go through this and not be able to fully enjoy the pregnancy which sure is the last one in my life.
I was sorry and pissed and angry and sad and all that was nothing compared to the constant vomitting and pain of my stomach. We made an appointment in the Mother’s clinic in Tokyo to do some additional tests after our arrival and I could not wait. I could not wait for someone to tell me that it was all just a misunderstanding,but at the same time I feared that moment as hell, because it might have just as well all continued in a wrong direction and I was not sure how we gonna cope with that.
I had an online conversation about our issue from Auckland and was advised to undergo CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) due to the high NT measurement that our baby had. Which I decided to decline and go for one more ultrasound scan and some blood tests at first although the lady in NZ told me that blood tests make no sense because the results are gonna be bad for sure.
After we arrived to Japan and changed all our travel plans according to the scheduled procedures in the clinic, we had two more days in a strange agony to wait for my appointment. Two days that passed by in such a stress that they are now covered in heavy fog in my memory.

Then the day came. The ultrasound screening I had was I swear the longest and most terrifying 15 minutes as far as I can remember. Lady who was doing the scan could not speak any english. Tears were running down my face during the whole time, I kept asking OK? OK? and she just strangely nodded her head and made a sound which I could not translate as positive or negative reaction. Well I for sure learned the hard way what the fuck it means to be lost in translation.
I had to wait for the doctor to come and have a look at scan results and I was uncontrollably shaking and crying. That was apparently way to emotional for the poor lady and it made her feel uncomfortable, she did not know how to act in such situation and I could see that she just wished to be teleported to a different room, to a normal japanesse patient who could keep it together better than me. And for the first time I did not give a shit. All my life I constantly worried about how my behaviour influences other people’s feelings, if I don ’t make them feel bad by doing something wrong, and this time I could see this poor lady suffer as if she was locked in the pressure cabin and I did not give a shit that I am actually the one who is causing her such problem. I did not care because I was not in charge of my body reaction to that stress, and I was really pissed that she works in an international clinic and can’t say a fucking word in english to make me feel better. After the battle that both of us had to fight for minutes that felt like hours doctor came in, he looked veeeery carefully on the results, did some more scans by himself again while talking japanesse with the poor lady and looking at me with a look that did not say anything and I was ready to kill. The short movie that scrolled in front of my eyes of how I simply cold blooded kill them all helped me remain within the frame of sanity and calm down until I was finally told that the NT measurement is not as high as they measured in NZ, it was at the highest from what is considered to be the normal range. 3,4 mm he said. It is not good but not bad. Well whatever that means. So should I be happy now? Or not yet? Is this satisfying? What the hell means the measurement that was done in NZ than? What should I think of it? What is next? I had so many questions but the conversation possibilities were very limited and I had to do with the fact that it is not tragic and now we have to wait for blood results. Arigato, arigato, bow to the floor and bye bye.
I thought I should feel relieved, and maybe I even did slightly, but definitely not as much as I hoped I would.
Mr.B is a positive thinker, so he took on the HELL IT IS ALL GOOD option, but I am the one who is always scared and I could not share his excitement. There was still a lot ahead of us, at least two different blood test, maybe amniocentesis, very specific baby’s heart scans at different stages of pregnancy and who knows what else. I looked in front of me and all I could see was months and months of unsureness, one test after another, because for each type of the test the baby has to have certain gestational age and time spent waiting for results between the tests.I knew that I will be revealed from this torture only after the baby is born. That was my reality now.
We were in Japan exactly 3 years ago. I did a pregnancy test in Beppu on 14.2.2013 and the test was positive, we were in Japan not just the two of, it was three of us already. Leo was on his way. And it was as abstract as it could be, for me, for us at that time.
Three years later, 2016, we were in Japan again. Those three years in between I could not wait, I could not wait to be back. Japan was my absolutely strongest travel experience. It was so different from anything I knew before. It was overwhelming, intriguing, shocking, inspiring, visually unique and so strong. For 3 years I had constant flash backs from Japan, the smell of air, the light, touch of cold on my skin or just a short second of undefinable taste of the moment and I was back there. I wished to be back there, because in Japan I felt everything so intensely. My senses were facing a challenge all at the same time and it felt so good.
So here we are again, three of us in Japan, Leo is walking talking person who is fun to be around, who is tough to be around, who is fun to discover the world with and who is exhausting to travel with at the same time, but who is an essential part of our lives. The little guy who was just a two blue lines on a piece of plastic 3 years ago is now so profoundly part of me that I cant recall the feeling of life before him. And this time around we are four.
Another life that I have brought inside of my body, another life that is two blue lines on a piece of plastic and loads of pages of ultrasound scans. Life that is a mystery for us, not because we don’t know how it feels to parent a tiny human but because this human is a surprise on a completely new level.
I try to get hold of things again as we walk in temporary calmness around a lake in Kawaguchiko. I am pushing myself into living the moment, into letting fear go and enjoying what we have and what we are given. Tests are OK, the risk of chromosomal abnormalities is quite low, but now low enough to be completely sure of course. The curse of ambiguousness is now the new reality. Another test is ahead of us in Poland, but for now this should be enough. Enough to hold Little L tight in my arms before he runs wild to imaginary fishing duties, enough to let Mr.B hold me in his arms and let myself feel the love I have for him, hidden somewhere deep under the load of sour leftovers from our recent fights, and enough for me to finally touch my belly that is not anymore only mine and let myself feel happiness for the growing missing puzzle of our family that is on its way.Healthy or not, we shall see.

I had photos for this post ready for some time now, but I felt I can not post them just like that, without a text. And getting myself to write the text was damn hard. I realised I would post photos more frequently if I did not have to write as well. Writing became difficult. And that is strange, cause it actually used to be the easy part. I would just sit on my ass for a while and let it all out. Easy, no thinking, no analysing, simply letting it go. It felt so natural and healing in a way. But than I got criticised that my texts are negative. And I could not handle the critique. I could not handle it because I felt I was not understood. If those people knew me they would know I am not negative I am being ironic, sarcastic and all that shit. Because that helps to keep a distance from oneself. And there were people out there who did not get it and I did not know how to let them know that NO this is not negative. But that is all part of the story I already wrote here before. About feeling vulnerable, about feeling exposed on my own request and about not handling the different opinions on what I had to say. I felt week and shut myself down. All that questioning was becoming bigger than me and I did not want to fight it anymore. And now I sound like depressed weirdo, but now I don’t care.

Well maybe saying that I don’t care is a little exaggerated statement, I’d better say I am learning not to care.
I have been very week when it comes to self-esteem issues my whole life and most of that “public” exposing my life was sort of a fake game I would play to make myself and others believe that I don’t have a problem. And I did that well I guess. I almost stated believe in it. But then Leo was born and I became naked in a second. I became thousand times more vulnerable than I was before. I felt as if someone would tear the skin of my body. Leo was my weak point. My love for him, my fear for him. And that started of processes that I had no idea about. My vulnerability transferred to almost all aspects of my life and as I have been artificially repressing things for a long time, the natural event took place. It all cumulated and exploded as an uncontrolled volcano one day last summer. That was a point when I knew I am not gonna handle this alone. And I asked for help. It was not difficult thing to do. I took a phone and wrote a sms to a psychologist /I had her number in my phone for years and never used it/ that either she will take me next day of I am gonna go mad. She surprisingly did not find it a drama queen self oriented bullshit and offered me a visit next day. It was a beginning of quite traumatic journey that still lasts. But why am I writing it now? No it is not because I find going to shrink IN or cool or worth a special attention. It is probably because I feel that sharing this actually highly negative information might be a step towards accepting myself even if I will be criticised for being actually negative. Maybe because I finally made a decision to come of out my own dark. This is my way of dealing with the advice she gave me on our last meeting. I don’t have to please everybody, I don’t even have to care. I can take on the luxury of doing whatever I want and fuck the rest. So keeping this in my mind I can now easily /TRY TO/ say out loud that our trip to New Zealand this year was the most difficult and physically and emotionally exhausting experience. Yes now I can be that spoiled brat that will cry over flying to New Zealand. OH yes that is exactly what I am going to do right now. This trip was supposed to be the highest peak of our traveling experience as a family of three. Japan and New Zealand. That is a dream come true. And I was sure it was going to be.
Last year in november I was told by my doctor in Slovakia that I can not have babies anymore. Not that I can’t have them, but I should not have them as due to the way my C section was done I would be in life danger if I got pregnant again. She was so strict about it that she advised us as a couple to go for Bart’s vasectomy. That would solve the problem. Well that was a shocking information. Not that we were trying to have another baby at that point, on contrary I actually felt that our life is slowly getting a little organised, we finished the reconstruction, Leo became a grown up 2 year old guy and things seemed to be calming down. But somewhere deep inside I knew I did not want Leo to grow up without brother or sister. I felt that it is not fair for him if we did not at least try. When I was told that this option is no longer an option for us I realised that I actually wanted to have another baby very much /it just was not the right time as usually/. People always have this automatic feeling of power when they feel in charge of things, but when they are suddenly taken the chance to decide they panic crazily. I panicked as well. So after the initial shock I wen to see two more doctors. And luckily I was told that there is no such case that I would be in higher danger than any other pregnant women, but since I was still breastfeeding Leo I was constantly having cysts that were causing my ovaries defunctioning. It is not completely normal as breastfeeding is not really a contraception and definitely not when you breastfeed for over two years, but I seemed to be one of those cases that has to stop in order to get pregnant again. And I was not ready and Leo was not ready.
Anyway I felt secure again that I have things in my hands. I could get pregnant and I am the one who decides when. Apparently I did not get my lesson on humbleness yet.
I was pregnant already when I was visiting second doctor in Poland but it was such early stage of pregnancy that it was not visible. The test turned positive three weeks before our departure for big 2 months long adventure. Well it sure was not a reason for us to change our plans. We planned it long ago and my pregnancy was only a cherry on that sweet pie. And it even felt very symbolic as I actually found out I was pregnant with Leo when I was in Japan 3 years ago. Now we were going back as a family of to be 4.
One doctor told me to cancel the trip because there were some issues that were causing him to have a reasonable doubt that it might not be the best time to travel such distances. But I felt its gonna be ok. Whatever is to happen will happen. Is it a rule that when you feel like you just jumped on a racing horse and take of for the victory you have to realise that you are the only one riding a carthorse?
There is maybe nothing concerning my body that I fear and hate more than vomiting. I swear I would rather die of poisoning than vomit. I never vomited when I was pregnant with Leo. I think my own paranoid fear made me go through that pregnancy as a vomiting virgin. First time in years and years I did puke was on the flight to Auckland. Believe me I almost died. I almost died because it was after the breakfast not long before landing. The small airplane toilette offered everything it had to offer after 11 hours flight. It was THE WORSE, because I did not vomit once, or twice. I had to be locked there for over 30 minutes, while there was a queue of 15 people outside that I had to pass by when I finally left. And I am sure at least firs 5 of them had to witness the symphony of uncontrolled mix of crying and puking that I produced. I was humiliated and devastated at the same time.
That was to be just a beginning. My mood got back to ecstatic level when we picked up our old camper van at the airport. I felt the blood of “always complaining” camper lover in my veins and was ready to forget not only the public humiliation but also the simple fact I threw up. We were all ready to hit the road. Our plans were big and courageous. We had a plan ahead of us. 3 weeks on the road, thousands of kilometres, thousands of photos, tracks and adventures. All that you get to see in picturesque travel guides from NZ. Well we did hit the road but it only took us 20 minutes till we had to stop cause I had to vomit again, and than again and again and again. And I had to vomit each time the car moved, I vomited even if there was nothing more to vomit, it became so natural as breathing, I did not fight it anymore because I had no power. I beated all the records. Once I vomited before we even made it to the camping exit, I guess it took me 10seconds of car driving. I know this is nothing special to write about. It is a normal symptom of pregnancy. But fuck we just made it to NZ. We had a PLAN. We wanted to travel and explore and drive and see and here I am vomiting. And there is nothing that can be done. I thought that was the worse thing that can happen to me. We not only did not make thousands of kilometres, or down the north island, we did not even make it to Raglan. OMG just look at the map what is the distance between Auckland and Raglan. We were fucked. I could not even walk around Auckland at the end of our trip because our walks always turned into hysteric search of public toilettes. I was angry, I felt this was unfair and I did not deserve this at all. I am looking at the photos from NZ now and it looks almost as a ode on Leo not a photos from trip to the paradise. But hell Leo was always around me and I was never too far. I was defeated. At least I thought so.
Three days before we left NZ to Japan I went for first trimester ultrasound. We all went. It was supposed to be the moment we ll remember forever. Happy beautiful family, Leo makes for the beautiful part, showing an angel like looking sweet son his brother or sister for the first time. Happy smiles, white teeth, little bit of tears of happiness and kisses of moved parents.
While I was lying on the bed, Bart was having some hard time keeping Leo in the bearable level of sanity. He just went crazy when he saw me being examined by a doctor!!! He was crying so loud that we did not hear each other, but I still could find some magic in that situation. Until the lady who did the scan was not quiet for to long. I knew something was wrong I just did not want to ask what the fuck was it. I knew that once I ask I will hear something that might change our reality for good. I was waiting for her to start but tears were already going down my face. Bart was so absorbed by trying to calm down Leo that I had to tell him twice that something is very wrong until he got the message. I am pretty sure I have never seen anybody change colour of the skin that fast. He went from brown to completely white in just one second. He looked at me and he did not want to understand what I was saying. I could see in his look that he just decided to reject the information that slipped out of my mouth. Well when the doctor finally decided it is time to share the secret with us we were acknowledged that our child will most probably have some sort of genetic disorder or in a better case major heart disease.
She suggested we do the Chorionic Villus Sampling as fast as possible because blood tests will for sure only approve her suspicion. Whenever in my life I thought things are pretty bad I was wrong. That moment there was THE MOMENT in life when nothing makes sense and at the same time everything makes sense. The very first question was the obligatory one, why US? But than why not US. This happens to parents all around the world so why the hell not us. Why are we different of better or why should we be more lucky. It can be us just like it can be anybody else.
I did not sleep for 72 hours straight. I read all the forums in internet in english, polish, slovak and german. I read everything there was to read about high NT and I felt like I was suddenly living life of somebody else. Sitting next to the toilet in the middle of the night. Alternately vomiting and reading about possible defects that little human that is growing inside of me might have. Does that sound like a dream trip? NO it does not. And it was not, it got us all so affected. Each of us in a different way. I stopped thinking about future, I stopped thinking about myself as a mother of two because I did not know if I will have a second child. There are some defects that require abortion because they put the life of the mother into risk, or the baby dies in womb, or the couple makes a decision to terminate the pregnancy. I did not know what is ahead of us but I knew I can’t let myself develop any feelings for that baby because it might be to painful. Bart had his own way of dealing with things. He seemed to worry less, at least I thought so until the night before our departure. We were supposed to fly to Japan and the evening before he started feeling really bad. I have never seen him in such pain before but he kept insisting that it is nothing and he must have eaten something that made him sick. Well that nothing turned to be acute appendix and when we were supposed to sit on an airplane he was lying on the operating table.
This is getting a little to long and possibly little to boring as well. So much negative shit in one post. I’ll just stop here because this is the end of our epic NZ adventure anyway. We had to wait till Bart would be able to fly, I was a nerve wreck but I guess we managed to do everything possible to make Leo believe that we are having THE time of our life. And guess what. When I look back now, I would never ever want to go through that one month again, it took some time, a lot of thinking and processing for it to become a material for blog post but now despite of all I believe that in a way we had the time of our life, because there is not better way to grow as a couple than to fall down together.

PS: Our story as well as the story of our daughter continues with the next set of photos from Japan. It is not a strategy to keep you all waiting for what happens next, I did not make it to be a soap opera star yet. I just feel that what happened in Japan belongs to the post from Japan. But we all seem to be OK, at least for now and in a extent which is medically provable :)

When I was eight month pregnant I fully discovered instagram. I could not sleep at night, I had to pee every two hours and I was eating kilograms of almonds to ease that horrible heartburn.

I was over sensitive, my IQ was quickly degenerating and I could not keep myself focused on anything for a longer time /well except for drawing/. I was lying in the bed at night completely taken over by insomnia looking through instargam, impetuously searching for cool mothers of little babies as a proof that life after giving birth can be so much fun. I was obsessively clicking the follow button, common cool mamas show me what you got.

My instagram feed was one long ode on perfect life with perfect little people, perfect content mothers, perfect good looking wifes, perfect happy smiling kids that never throw themselves on the floor in the middle of the street screaming, perfect bearded husbands in perfect ironed white clean tshirts, perfect meals on perfect tables, perfect happy dogs in perfect little gardens in perfect little world that I took for real. I needed to believe that it is real because I was freaking out myself.

One year after L was born I started looking at my instagram feed again I obsessively unfollowed all the cool mamas. They were pissing me of. Not because I still had 5 kilos overweight, not because I my skin was bad, not because I was constantly tired and I did not care for fancy table with fancy looking food, not because I had to wear long pants even when it was hot outside cause I rarely shaved my legs. I was tired of all that perfect. It did not make me feel good because it was so unreal. I knew those were just bits and pieces of someone else’s life that has dark sides as well, but perfect is so not authentic, so not interesting and I just did not want to look at it.

I enjoyed my life the way it was, I did my own parenting choices, and was pretty sure I do MY best. But I realised now social media uncontrollably put pressure on people. In that case on mothers. /I mentioned that before that shortly after L was born I realised that motherhood/parenthood and everything that connects to it is so scary militant/. Actually mothers put pressure on mothers because of what they publicly reveal or better to say not reveal. The picture that is presented does not allow, can not allow for critic. Nobody wants to be criticised in such a sensitive matter as parenting, because that is something we all try to do best. And when there are not so positive moments shared it is done in such a way that it makes it actually look fun. But generally we naturally unconsciously select what we show to the world. When we are happy and we sure want to share those happy moments and when it comes to our weakness and dark sides we don’t want to be judged, at least not in the system that is limited only to instant pictures of not instant life. Judgements come very easy online. Everybody has something to say. It is so easy to just write a short statement without really knowing the person, forget it and scroll further, but the one on the other side that receives it does not forget, not that fast. And so to keep ourself safe and happy we share happy moments. Right?

That is why I stopped looking at other people, stopped comparing myself with that partial truth that I was receiving. I did not care. I created my own perfectly imperfect world where the only thing I wanted was to have enough silence to be able to hear my own voice. I breastfed L /and still am/, we were co-sleeping /and still are/, I never left him cry out, I never left him sleep in a different room, I was carrying him in carrier/and still am/ we were traveling a lot . I was pretty happy with being able to make my decisions without applying all those well meant advises on raising kids. I filtered all the suggestions on parenting books no matter if it was on attachment parenting or it was some american lady teaching me how to be a french mama. NO thank you. I believed that what is best for my child is written in my genes.

And that was the time when my texts got published on larger platform than just my blog. I agreed on that of course because I did not know what that actually means. My blog was this intimate space that I always treated as if it was for friends, or for people who read it because somehow we have the same flow and same view on life, very tight community.

But than it went out to the world. The world that was alien, big and unpersonal. And I was not ready for it although I did not know. Those who were following my blog they knew my way of writing, they knew my humour, my self irony and could read between the lines. Those who just read my text as one of many had no idea who I am, who is that crazy lady scared to leave her child go on a walk with a nanny. And of course internet begs for fast, explicit, strong judgements. I can take critic when it comes to many things, but when I got judged as mother I got hurt. Terribly hurt. It was not only about me anymore, it was about Leo. His life that was created by me was judged. And of course as all of us I was trying to do my best for the most valuable person in my life.

Did it make me unsure? Yes it did, maybe not unsure as a mother after all because nothing changed in the way I raise L, but it made me unsure as a person.

That is when I started to question what I was doing. That is when I was not sure if I want to share myself anymore because I absolutely did not feel like I should be defending myself for being the way I am, for my life and for my choices, for being imperfect, for making mistakes and having downs and doubts but being honest.

I knew I can not write about me, our life, about us selectively. Either I write it as it is or I don’t. I can’t pretend I am somebody else because it would make me very tired. And most of all writing about us meant including Leo. I knew I am not strong enough to stand naked and have shit thrown all over me from faceless creatures. But than much more important things than my blog completely took over my life, and it became so imperfect at one point that even the biggest masochist would not want to read about it voluntarily anyway :).

New Year came with a promise of change. I am ready to stand on the starting line, I’m letting things go by and just grab those that seem to be harmless one at the time. But most of all we are back to traveling and that is something essentially important for us. Thanks to travel plans we are healing as a couple because there is a strong vibe of energy around us just when we speak about it. I am healing because I not only allowed myself to fall down but I gave myself the time to get up slowly. For that matter Sicily was the best cure on all the open wounds. We were happy, we were us again, I was happy and light and free and that is why I am here now.

PS: THANK YOU ALL FOR THE COMMENTS ON MY PREVIOUS POST AND ALL THE EMAILS. I AM PRETTY SURE YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THAT MEANT TO ME

I don't want my life to be a reason for other's life to be a suffering that is why I am vegan and that is how I want to raise my son. I love my little family, birds, rainy days and life on the road. I believe in life before death :).