HELP!10yr old OBSSESSED & driving us crazy

This is kind of a long story so I'll be as briefe as possible.We have 2 kids 10 & 6.girl/boy.The main "problem" is our 10 yr.old.She is a VERY bright child , gifted & talented high honor roll....but she is becoming a royal pest.In our school system we have D.A.R.E which deals w/alcohol & drugs awarness.Well if I have so much as a glass of wine I have to hear that I'm an alcoholic and how bad it is.Now I understand that alcohol is no good however at 35 yrs old I do not feel it's my 10yr olds place to lecture.Now that alcohol lecture isn't nearly as bad as the griefe i have to get over smoking,which i Do Not Do.Nor have I in almost 11 yrs.My husband never has.It is to the point that she seems to think that when I go to a friends house ,that smokes ,they sit there and try to get me to smoke.... this has been going on for 2+yrs and it's getting very old fast..When I try to reassure her that I have no intention of smoking she starts w/If you smoke/drink you will die and if you die I have no mother.Granted I remember worrying about my mom when I was young,however she did drink(alot) and smoke...So it was justified.But yet I never got on her like this.When i tell you she's obssessed i mean OBSSESSED.Now our daughter doesn't say boo to my husband(which is her dad)who is more likly to have a drink on any given day then I am.This may seem trivial to some but it is a real problem because I'm getting very tired of hearing it.

Also,her attitude is become unbearable,I know some of it is the age(I'm the oldest of 4)but the smart mouth and fresh comments are just to aggrevating.Overall she is a good kid but lately she has been too much.If i take away TV she gets indifferent,"I don't care/doesn't bother me" but then she starts crying and carrying on like you can't believe.We have never been smackers/hitters(although there are times I'd like too )But my father was very physical w/me so I promised myself that I would never do that.But I'm really starting to think that there might be something to the old saying Spare the rod:Spoil the child...

Some advise would really be appreciated because I'm etting really worn down,Thanks

I'll start by saying that my kids aren't as old as yours, but I think I still have some pretty good sense when it comes to handling kids.

She's 10 so she can handle an indepth talk. Let's remember who is the parent and who is the child. 1st tell her that you really think that it's wonderful that she cares so much about you and that you understand that she doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. Praise her for knowing that smoking/drinking too much/drugs can be bad. Then tell her that you have repeatedly told her that you are not smoking. And that you would not lie to her. Also explain to her that adults can have a glass of wine or two and it will be ok. But really stress that you are the adult and that she is not to tell you what to do or lecture you anymore. It's not that you don't want her to care about you. It's that it is not a child's place to tell their parent what to do. If she keeps telling you what to do I would consider a small punishment. It's about respect. She needs to respect your wishes not to be told what to do.

As far as the smart mouth...I'm sure some of it is coming from the fact that you are still letting her get away with telling you what to do. She sees that she's getting away with it...so in the 10 year old mind, what else can she get away with saying? Keep taking the things away that she cares most about when she acts up. If she says she doesn't care...then that's great, she won't mind that you're also taking away the phone or computer as well. And when she cries/screams bloody murder, ignore it. (easier said than done) She's supposed to be upset about what has happened. But you also know that she's turning it up an extra notch to either get you to cave in or to gain more attention. Stick to your guns. Be consistant. Don't let her treat you like the child. And reward reward reward her positive behavior. Perhaps tell her that if she can go 1 week without telling you what to do you will go shopping or someplace very special. She'll like that a lot better!

Good luck...I'm in denial that my kids will one day grow up and give me a run for my money

Thank you!!!It's funny I know that alot of this is a control issue and yes I am the parent.Just yesterday we had an episode even better let me tell you about Wed. first...So it was Ash Wed and I went to noon mass.Well as soon as she got in the car she started w/"your'e embarresing me /ruining my life,"nonsense because of the Ashes,(granted it does look a little odd but non the less it's something i've always done,and yes she does altar server stuff so it's not like she has never been to church.)So to get back an track My response was,well you can get out of the car and go home while I get your brother from school(we were 1/2 block from house when she got out.)The next thing you know she calls my cell and starts w/I don't want to fight w/you of course I respond w/I don't either but then she starts immediatelt on the next sore subject,she lost TV privileges the day before and wanted them back the answer was no so of course the next arrgument starts and it just goes on & on & on.Keep in mind she's only been out of school for 10 mins.We live 1 block form the middle school she attends.She continues to call my cell while I'm getting my son.I tell her that he & I are going to blockbuster and will be home in a few mins she then acts like a loon & hangs up on me.Then calls back and says,your'e doing me a favor i hate blockbuster....This is all exausting.So now yesterday the kids had no school due to weather and I'm on the phone w/my mom ,while on the phone I was eating a bowl of chili,well my DD wants some and insist that she can't get it because looking at will make her "sick"I remind her that she 10 &1/2 and can get it herself well that was that major melt down begins I ended up sending her to her from and told her to stay there the rest of the day/night.She was like that's fine I like my room.Well rest assured 3 hrs later she was boo-hooing she wanted out! To bad for her.She did last the night(yes she did get feed and was allowed to the bathroom )She is strong willed.....

Hi., Parenting is very large area for the short space in this letter. So far I discovered that no "mechanical" approaches or advices work. I meant by mechanical - "when child does this you do this". Everything comes from our belief system. Check [url]www.option.org[/url]. These guys help people to help themselfs to be happy and when these people get happy the surraunding environment gets happy too. Check them out and see if this will resonate with you.