5 Things to Do After You Find Out Your Partner Cheated

Can you really love again?

By Lesli White
lesli white

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Being cheated on by a romantic partner can be excruciatingly painful. It is often so painful because it is one of the worst forms of betrayal of trust. Your rights have been taken away from you, at least temporarily. If you are in a monogamous relationship, you have the right not to be cheated on. Trust and the violation of rights are huge contributors to the pain infidelity can cause. Infidelity can unleash devastating consequences on a couple and is often cited as the ultimate deal-breaker in a relationship, over both emotional abuse. Despite this, over half of married couples decide to weather the storm together rather than split up. Unfortunately, the healing process doesn’t happen overnight. Strong feelings of hurt, guilt and resentment will show up time and time again but there is hope. With forgiveness, a lot of hard work, dedication and determination, you and your spouse can recover. If your choice is to stay together over divorce, here are five things to do after you find out your partner cheated.

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Full Disclosure

There can’t be anymore secrets and the cheater must practice full disclosure. While full disclosure is painful, it allows for transparency, verification and vulnerability. Couples healing from the pain of infidelity need to gain insight into what went wrong without accusing. While it’s true that some partners will feel angry, hurt and betrayed when they learn their loved one has done something unacceptable to them, full disclosure is one of the best ways to regain trust which will ultimate rebuild intimacy. In order to do this, the cheater must become aware of their vulnerabilities and explore the reasons for returning to their partner. A partner may want a more active sex life without blaming their spouse for being distracted and not initiating sex more often. It’s imperative that you get to the root of the issue to truly deal with the infidelity.

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Be Honest

Building a strong, healthy relationship after infidelity takes work, but it also takes honesty. When trust is gone because of lies and deception, the foundation of the relationship is compromised. Once you or your partner finds out about infidelity, there will be a lot of questions asked and many of those questions aren’t easily answered. You will want to understand who, what, where, how and why. It is best that they answer these questions honest and openly. Honesty is the best road to take in a relationship, even when the truth hurts. If you get a sense that your partner is not being honest with you now it will really get in the way of you being able to move past the cheating.

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Time and Patience

Healing comes with time and patience. If the person you’re with has been unfaithful and wants to come home, it’s important for them to remember that they’re not going to be able to put the affair in a vault and lock it up. Regaining trust means they must show that they clearly understand what you’ve felt and experienced, and prove to you that they are truly sorry and won’t repeat the behavior. It also shows that they’re willing to make a change and work on earning your trust back, no matter what it takes. You probably need a lot of proof that they’re serious, reliable and safe to love before they’re going to trust you again.

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Defensiveness

Defensiveness is the number one thing your partner should avoid when they’ve cheated. Statements like, “Well, you didn’t give me the time of day, so what was I supposed to do?” actually pass blame to the partner for the cheater’s cheating. This is an unhealthy spiral that will only lead to issues. Instead of making accusatory statements, make “I” statements like “I felt so lonely.” This statement doesn’t assert blame for actions. The antidote to defensiveness? Taking personal responsibility. In order for trust and love to be reestablished, the person you’re with needs to make sure you feel like you’re in a safe, but also empowered environment where you can truly express how they feel.

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Be Mindful of Who You Talk to and What You Say

Make sure there is no third-party in your relationship. It’s easy to let others in like friends, parents or children after your partner cheated on you. These individuals can become the third leg to help stabilize the relationship, either subconsciously or not. Venting your anger or your frustration to your mom or friend is healthy, as long as it doesn’t interfere with the direct communication you make with your partner. An even bigger no-no which a lot of people do is complain to the children about the parent who cheated. This can damage their relationship with your partner and can create unhealthy dynamics between a couple. It also forces children to side with a particular parent which can also be very damaging to the relationship.

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It’s not impossible to rebuild a relationship after cheating took place but it really requires both parties to be intentional. Choosing to stay together after cheating is a huge decision. Infidelity can be symptomatic of much larger, underlying problems that need to be addressed in order to move forward. It is wise to seek out counseling from an experienced and supportive therapist. There is hope; it’s up to the couple to make that decision.