Friday, July 12, 2013

Why Hawkgirl is the Coolest: a Terrifying Glimpse into Kate's Mind

Good afternoon and Happy Friday, Internet!

It's been a long while since I updated this blog. I would explain that it's because I've been terribly busy, but that would be a straight up lie. I would also say that I'm sorry, but that would also be a lie. Like, not as bad of a lie: I'm a little sorry. But I'm not that sorry. Because if I was really sorry I would have blogged earlier. And I haven't. Sooooo take that as you will.

Anyway, I've been feeling kind of separated from my nerdom lately, and it's been painful. I haven't been able to LARP in months and in fact, this weekend, will be missing a LARP once again. On top of that I've stopped playing video games because I realized that as hilarious as it is coming up with new swear words that marginally transgress outside the English language (I believe I screamed, "fuck a faigg gog cock" the other night), that extra dose of homicidal rage is not something I need in my life right now. I also haven't been interested in costuming lately, and worst of all, today I cancelled my reservation for Dragon*Con because I officially can't afford it. Essentially, life is getting in the way of my adult childhood and it fucking sucks.

BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED ME FROM WATCHING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME JUSTICE LEAGUE RECENTLY!

I never really liked Justice League. I'm a Marvel girl. I read Marvel, I watch Marvel, and I've been in love with the X-Men since I was like 6 years old. Wait let me do the math on that...it first came out in 1992, and I was....Yup, since I was 6 years old.
Anyway, the Justice League just never appealed to me. I didn't know any the characters, they all seemed like a bunch of goody two-shoes, and Superman just seemed like an arrogant self-righteous prick (still does, sort of). But recently my BF insisted that I check out an episode of the Justice League Unlimited on Netflix. It was about The Question, one of his all time favorite comic book characters. So I watched it. And then I watched the next episode, and the next. And I quickly discovered that Warner Brothers had done something brilliant with this early aughts T.V. show (and its predecessor Justice League). They had brought together iconic heroes and given them a new, eye-catching animated style. They choreographed good fight scenes, wrote compelling stories, and included some cute self-deprecating jokes. And every fucking episode includes at least one hilarious sex joke that goes straight over the heads of the intended audience. It's AWESOME.

But the most important thing about JLU is that it introduced me to Hawkgirl. Now, Hawkgirl is not my favorite comic book character ever. That spot is and always has been reserved for Rogue, who sits upon a throne of my childhood and adult emotions about strength, gender, friendship, and badassitude and looks down upon my ever action, letting me know that life is what it is and everything will be all right not because it will get better, but because I have the power to make it better. This post could easily be about her, but some mother fucker named Brett White has beaten me to the punch with basically the best article ever written about Why Rogue is Awesome and I just can't top him.

Anyway, so let's talk about Hawkgirl for a minute and how I want to be her.

Hawkgirl has two powers: wings and a motherfucking mace. THOSE ARE THE TWO COOLEST FUCKING POWERS EVER. Like, Jesus Christ, are you seriously gonna sit here and tell me, "Well actually I'd rather have laser eyes." Fuck you, you goddamn Superman/Cyclops fan, you have no imagination and you probably like the smell of a dirty crotch. Wings and a mace are hands down the best powers ever. Since I was a kid, I've always wanted to have wings. Not just to fly, but specifically to have wings and fly. It's just cooler that way. And as far as combat goes, what better way to fight is there than to straight smash your enemies in the fucking face with a spiked metal ball? Hawkgirl might also have a power of healing or toughness or something because she gets thrown into buildings and cars and shit on the reg, but that's never been made clear to me, so I'm going to guess she survives all that because she's a badass and eats rocks for breakfast. Whatever the reason, I'm ok with getting thrown into a building in exchange for superpowers, so it's cool.

Most episodes, Hawkgirl has two abilities: beating fuckers with a mace and insulting the hell out of anyone she doesn't like (often times unintentionally). Sometimes she has two abilities: beating fuckers with a mace and getting the absolute shit kicked out her when she gets thrown into a building. Sometimes she has two abilities: beating fuckers with a mace and absolutely beating the fuck out of anything, metal or flesh, that makes the sad mistake of getting in her fucking way. With a mace. Point is, at not time is she not a straight metal badass, and that's what I aspire to be, every goddamn day of my life that I'm not going to my 9-5 job and worrying about calories and checking my bank account and stuff.

Exhibit 4. Tragic History

Every superhero has a tragedy. It's an entrance-level requirement. Hawkgirl's tragedy is that her people decided to destroy Humanity and at first she took their side, but then she was like, "oh wait, no," and took humanity's side and basically caused her people to lose this gigantic galactic war and most of them died and they won't talk to her anymore and also most of the Justice League are like, "Fuck you, Hawkgirl, even if you do have wings." So she's very lonely and confused and she's not sure what to do, and all she really can do is beat fuckers with her mace which she does, and does well, but still. It's tough.

While most people do not hate me, and I do not hit things with a mace, on a regular basis I will attempt to do the right thing and then realize it's making people upset and then try to do something else to make things better only to make other people upset and basically end up in a conundrum where I just want to hide or, in the alternative, beat fuckers with a mace. Hawkgirl is actually an alien, but her tragedy is very Human and relateble, and I totally get it.

In Conclusion

Hawkgirl is like my comic book character animal spirit guide. If I were a superhero I would be just like her. If I can't be a superhero, I still really wish I could meet and we could be best friends and have a bromance where we drink lots of beers together and then get into a bar fight on Christmas Eve.

If I were to meet Hawkgirl, here is how I think the conversation would go.

Kate: Hawkgirl, you're so awesome! Will you please, please hang out with me?