Dear Harlan: My parents moved to the U.S. when I was 7 years old. They both worked full-time jobs and have given up everything to make sure I succeed. Education is the most important thing to them. I’m going to college in a few weeks, and I’m excited and nervous. I was able to get a grant and scholarships to pay for it, and it’s an ultra-competitive top school. I’m so afraid of disappointing my parents. They have given up everything for me, and I’m scared I will let them down. It’s a ton of pressure. They don’t want me to do anything other than study. They don’t want me to be in any organizations or activities. They were against me living on campus, but all first-year students need to live on campus. How can I manage their expectations? Do you have any advice? — Too Much Pressure

Dear Too Much Pressure: Find your people on campus first – people you can lean on for help, support and guidance. Worry about your expectations second. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, 34 percent of undergraduates were the first in their families to go to college during the 2011-’12 academic year. As a first-generation student, you are the most at risk of not graduating. You, more than anyone, need to find your people on campus. You need a support system in place on campus. Reach out to professionals, counselors and staff members who work with first-generation students. Find students who have similar backgrounds. Visit the counseling office. Build a support system. Only then can you begin to manage your parents’ expectations. At the same time, be patient with them; they love you. Connect them to the right people who can help them understand what you need to do to be successful. While they think you need to focus solely on academics, research says that an involved student is a more successful student. Disguise your campus involvement as academic, leadership and service opportunities. If your parents don’t support your decision, listen, love and lean on other people to guide you (and them). Your parents’ expectations belong to them. Your future belongs to you.

]]>http://www.harlancohen.com/high-pressure-for-first-generation-student/feed/0The Right Age for Social Mediahttp://www.harlancohen.com/the-right-age-for-social-media/
http://www.harlancohen.com/the-right-age-for-social-media/#respondMon, 07 Aug 2017 14:31:02 +0000http://www.harlancohen.com/?p=2689

Dear Harlan: I’m hoping you can help. My daughter is begging my husband and me to let her sign up for Instagram and Snapchat. She has a group of friends who are all connected. We only gave her a cellphone for her to communicate with us for logistical reasons. She is 11 years old, and feels like we are the worst people in the world because we limit her behavior. She tells me that she feels left out of the group because she’s not included. We allow her to text message with friends, but have been holding firm on not allowing her to participate in social networks. It’s become a very sensitive issue for us; we’re talking all-out arguments where my daughter yells, “I hate you! You are the worst parents in the world!” Have you heard of other parents doing this? Are we wrong? — Limiting Parents

Dear Broken: She’s going to push, push and push, but you are 100 percent justified. First, there’s the legal case: According to the terms of service for both Instagram and Snapchat, the legal age to use the networks is 13 years old. That buys you a year or two. Next, there are the social implications. Yes, Instagram can make a kid feel included and connected, but according to a recent survey (search for #StatusOfMind on social media), it’s also the social network that can have the most negative effect on mental health and well-being (more than Facebook and Snapchat). The challenge is that Snapchat and Instagram are preteens’ way of passing notes and being part of a social group. Only when we passed notes, we knew who was getting the note and it couldn’t be broadcast to the world. Understanding and learning where your daughter is coming from would be my focus. Understand that it’s important to her, and make sure she knows that you know. Then, learn more about the networks. Get on Instagram and Snapchat. Understand the benefits and risks. Talk about it with her. Listen to how she processes the images and conversations. When she’s 13, you can decide what’s best for her. If the anger and resentment doesn’t stop, enlist the help of a therapist. Start by understanding and learning so you can be included, connected and informed.

Dear Harlan: I’ve been in a relationship for the past five years. We started dating in high school and have been together ever since. My girlfriend is a part of my family. My parents and sisters love her. We are spending the summer apart because she had to stay at school and work. I thought our relationship was rock-solid, until last weekend. She confessed to kissing another guy the night before. This is someone she told me was just a friend, although I’ve never felt good about their friendship. She reassured me that it was just a friendship, and she cried on the phone, explaining that she had been drinking and it didn’t mean anything. I reacted by wanting to break up with her; however, it’s now been a week, and I miss her. I want to give her a second chance, but I’ll always wonder what she’s doing with her “friend.” Is there any way to still make this work? — Broken

Dear Broken: Of course you miss her. She’s been your best friend your entire adult life. But if you can’t trust her, you can’t date her. Trust is the glue that holds you together. When she violates that trust, the foundation that has kept you together becomes weak. Don’t make this about the kiss; make this about trust. That will help you to see whether the relationship can be fixed. Before you have any conversations, trust and believe that you have options. You must believe that you have other women to date. When you have options, you can listen to the truth. When you don’t believe you have options, it’s hard to listen because you’re too scared of being alone. Talk to her from a place of curiosity and concern (not just hurt). The time apart will help you to be less emotional and confrontational). Why did she do this? Does she need a break? Does she want to experience something else? How long has she been feeling like this? Once she can explain why she got drunk and kissed another guy, you can decide to either stay with her or move on. If alcohol and this guy are the issue, feel free to ask her to give up both. If she can’t, then you can’t trust her.

Dear Harlan: I’m a high-school student, and I’m really nervous about college. I’m the only student from my school going to Xavier University, and I’m also commuting, which doesn’t really help my case. I’m really shy – I’m not the type of person to approach another person and start a conversation. Xavier has a four-day orientation, with each session lasting pretty much the entire day. How can I make sure that when I go, I’m not alone? I’ve looked at clubs and Greek life, but Xavier doesn’t have many options. I’m afraid that commuting will make it harder for me to make new friends. — Getting Scared

Dear Getting Scared: Nervous is totally normal. You’ll either make friends right away, or it will take you time. Plan on it taking time. Surround yourself with people who are involved and people who commute. I did a quick search and discovered The Commuter Council at Xavier. They meet twice a month, support commuters and plan activities for them. Volunteer and connect with the leaders of this group. Ask them how they found their places on campus. Work, eat and study on campus as much as possible. As for getting involved, seek spiritual groups, athletics, part-time jobs and volunteer opportunities. Take on a leadership position (this makes it easier to build relationships). Finally, when you’re at orientation, share that you’re the only one from your school on campus. Mention that you’re shy (to the student leaders). Most of them were shy, too. It’s hard to see it, but you’re just like most of the people on campus. I promise.

Dear Harlan: My ex and I reconnected a few months after our breakup and started a friendship. Since this happened, she initiated physical contact with kissing and touching, and she’s often saying, “I miss you.” Though we have not been intimate, I don’t feel 100 percent sure of her intentions or feelings when she does this, and I get the feeling that she also is talking to other guys. I guess I just want the honest truth as to whether I should end this friendship for good and continue to move forward. Obviously, a part of me still has feelings for her. — Ex in Limbo

Dear Ex in Limbo: She isn’t a friend. She’s an ex who is kissing you, giving you mixed signals and crossing boundaries. Forget mind-reading, and stop focusing on what she wants. Focus on one thing: What do YOU want? Do you want to get back together? Do you want to be her friend? What’s your boundary? Don’t let her define what you want based on a few kisses. You can be the one to define what YOU want. If you want to get back together with her, then tell her that the mixed signals make you think she wants the same. If you don’t, then don’t kiss her and let her touch you. If being friends with her makes it too hard for you to meet other women and move forward, then don’t be her friend. You don’t owe her anything other than the truth. Focus on what you want, and see if she wants the same. If not, move on.

Dear Harlan: I’ve been dating someone for a couple of weeks. I’m in my early 20s and I’m a virgin. It’s something I own with pride. This guy is much more experienced than me and has had two previous serious relationships that were sexual. We have kissed, but I would like to do more with him. My problem is his past. One of the reasons I’ve waited to have sex is because I don’t want to get an STD. Should I make him get tested before we do anything too serious? What if he thinks I’m weird or this freaks him out? I’ve never had to have this conversation. — Careful and Fearful

Dear Careful and Fearful: He should run to get tested – and you should run with him to get tested, too. This isn’t weird or freaky. It’s responsible. Your rule is that you don’t have sex with anyone who hasn’t been tested. It’s your personal boundary. Tell him you really like him, kiss him and then share your rule. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, HPV (human papillomavirus) is the most common sexually transmitted disease and can have no visible symptoms. Herpes and chlamydia can go symptomless too. Then there’s gonorrhea, HIV and the rest of the gang. And yes, even virgins can get an STD (kissing, rubbing and oral sex can cause it). Getting tested won’t keep you 100 percent safe from exposing yourself to an STD, but it makes it a lot safer. If he thinks this is weird or freaks out, he doesn’t need to have sex with you. For more STD info, check out www.cdc.gov/std.

Dear Harlan: I met an attractive man at a coffee shop last week. We had a great conversation and exchanged numbers. He told me that he would text me the next week, but I never heard from him. I don’t want to look desperate, but I want to text him. I should also mention that I’m in my 40s and newly single, so I’m not up on tech etiquette. Would it be wrong to text him? My friends tell me to move on because he’s probably married. What do you think? — Single Again

Dear Single Again: His phone could have been stolen (watch season two of “Master of None”). He could have written your number down incorrectly and accidentally texted another woman (hopefully they don’t fall in love). He also could be married and your friends are totally correct. I’ve got three suggestions: First, find friends who believe in romance. You need positive single friends who are going to be in your corner. Dating is much more fun that way. Next, stop thinking too much. Remember, you can do nothing wrong at this point. Text him if you feel like it. Tell him what you’re thinking, but keep it simple. Tell him you enjoyed meeting him. Let him know you’re still around. If he responds, do a background check. Check out the website beenverified.com. The website brings up all public records (the police record search can be misleading). It can help you sniff out a liar. In addition, do a Google search (use quotes around his name). The quotes will give you a more detailed list of results. Look at the “News” category and “Images” category. You might be able to pull up old wedding announcements or other juicy stuff. This should take you about 10 minutes. The most important thing you should do is to have options. When you have options, you won’t overthink things. When you have options, you can set boundaries. Between online dating, setups and random meetings, you have a lot of options.

Dear Harlan: I think I might be gay. Do I need to have a hookup with a dude to figure it out? I’ve never had a same-sex experience.— Possibly Gay

Dear Possibly Gay: Why categorize your sexual orientation? I mean, by the time you give yourself a label, there could be another label. It’s the same with gender identity. Last fall, Tinder rolled out 37 new gender identities. Some of the most interesting include agender, bigender, gender fluid, gender variant, neutrois, pangender, transfemine, transmasculine and Two-Spirit. According to a Newsweek article, Two-Spirit is a modern term used by some indigenous North Americans to describe certain spiritual people – gay, lesbian, bisexual and gender-variant individuals – in their communities. Whether you’re a homosexual, bisexual or figuring-it-out-sexual (FIOS – I made this up), all you know is that you find men attractive. What happens next is up to you. You can go out with a guy and see how it feels. The most important thing is that you take it slow and have people in your corner. When you are so unsure of your own feelings, it’s vital to have people who have gone through something similar to guide and support you.

Hooking up with a dude will just help validate that you like dudes (but you already know this). What happens after the hookup is where you need to do your planning. You want to make sure that you’re comfortable and balanced. There’s no room for secrets or shame. Figure out who you love, and always love yourself.

Dear Harlan: I’m going to college next year. I want to live on campus. My parents don’t want me to live on campus. The main reason is that the floors are all co-ed. They feel that it’s not safe or appropriate for me to share a floor with a bunch of men. I’ve explained that they do this for a reason. If this was unsafe, they wouldn’t continue to do this. They are being very protective. Their rules are non-negotiable. They keep telling me that I will one day understand and thank them, but I don’t see it. How do I deal with parents who think they know it all, but have no idea of the truth?— Stuck

Dear Stuck: They are not going to listen. You’re their kid. And for some reason, listening to you is not what they do best. We all know that living on campus is important (this is why some schools require it), but your parents need to know this. Living on campus means less driving, more opportunities and it’s safer (no commute). Instead of trying to convince them of the truth, let other people do the work. Reach out to the director of residence life, resident assistants, the dean of students, campus police and students with similar backgrounds. Explain the situation and get the facts. Give your parents access to the people you contact. Tell them what you asked, and ask them to do the same. While you’re sharing what you’ve learned, thank them for encouraging you to find answers. And for what’s it’s worth – I’ve never heard of co-ed floors being unsafe. In fact, the men feel protective of the women who live on their floor.

Dear Harlan: I go to a school where the ratio of men to women is 70 : 30. This means that most of the women are taken or are hard to meet. Most women here are already in serious relationships, or they are not interested in dating a guy like me. What advice do you have for man who is outnumbered?— Outnumbered

Dear Outnumbered: You need to be awesome at rejection. Given that the numbers are against you, you should practice taking risks and managing rejection. Turn this into a risk-taking experiment. Look into building long-term relationships with women instead of getting immediate results. Start by making friends with women. Should you get rejected, be pleasant, gracious and curious. Find out why someone isn’t interested. Do it with a smile. Be polite, and accept it. Most people who reject you will end up single again – circumstances change. The women who found you interesting will remember you, and some of them will want to date you. Instead of waiting for something to happen when you least expect it, make yourself available and accessible. Also, expand your search. Be open to long-distance relationships, set-ups and online dating. Look at this as your ultimate education in listening and friendship.