29 October 2011

This is a powerful video about being different, being accepted and hope for the
future. While aimed at young gay people, it is relevant to anyone who has felt marginalised. I wish I had this reassurance that it'd get better for me after I'd finished school. Thanks Triple J!

25 October 2011

There's something about Darren Hayes
songs that make me feel safe, and warm and at peace. The familiarity
of his voice, which I have adored for half of my life, and the
imagery his lyrics paint. His songs speak to me - I often feel
they're written about me, and I know many fans who feel this way too.
There are not many other artists who I relate to so much - I could
count them on one hand.

For years I've immersed myself in The
Lover After Me, Dublin Sky, Darkness and Who Would Have Thought?. The
words and sounds enveloped me like a rich sky, there's a warmth to
them. I like the darkness, the sadness. It's humanising. I especially like walking through cold city streets listening to
these songs through headphones, pacing to the beat, feeling like
Darren is my only company in the concrete jungle.

And now with the release of Secret
Codes and Battleships, I immerse myself again. It's been on constant repeat since Friday. He's the music I've been missing.

As I mentioned
previously, I identify so much with this album. So many lyrics feel
like they pertain to what's gone on for me since June. The lyrics are
comforting yet hard to hear. Don't Give Up ("I want to run to run
away from this, but I wouldn't leave a sinking a ship, without you in
it there's no point to our story..."), Hurt (it's everything I was
warned about), Talk Talk Talk and Bloodstained Heart (it's so
comforting, I feel looked after and loved when I listen) resonate
with me most. Cruel Cruel World reminds me of the connection I once had.

In the dark hours, Black Out The Sun
makes my throat thick and eyes well with tears. The emotion of
Darren's voice paired with the fated story in the song feels like my
reality.

"...switch off the stars and paint the sky
black

love isn’t ever coming back

there’s no use in imagining a world
without you

your love was like a drug i was
addicted to

because there’s nobody else who can
hurt like you hurt me

I don’t want to be lonely

and there’s no other way there’s no
joy there’s no meaning

just this hollowed out feeling..."

It's The Siren's Call that has become
the light in my darkness - it has easily become a favourite. It's gentle, like a sailboat slowly
drifting at sea, and lonely too. It feels a bit like the mornings
I've woken up realising things won't be the same. I think of whales
moaning, and a black bird carrying me through the air to a happier
place. And like Darren sings, I can almost taste happiness.

"...But I can almost taste happiness
It's
such a long way off
But I can almost feel your embrace
Above
the siren's call

And I've seen a hint of it
This
happiness
This bliss
Just knowing it exists I know that I must
try
And I've caught a glimpse of it
One moment just one
kiss
From the corner of my eye
Of better days gone by."

For so many days now I just wish that I
could forget, and feel truly happy again, and soon. It seems like a
long journey, but I feel these songs on Secret Codes and Battleships
will help these feelings pass.

"and i want so much to believe that i won’t disappear in the water that i won’t always be swimming against the tide..."

Thank you Darren. I know next week when I see you play live (twice) there will be tears.

23 October 2011

It's been four years since Darren Hayes released an album – though there was the dance outfit We Are Smug. And of course I was excited. Through pain, not complete eagerness, I was awake at 4 am on Friday morning, and decided to check whether Secret Codes and Battleships was available for purchase. I may have been one of the first to buy the album. By 4.15 am, I had purchased the album and was listening to it as I drifted in and out of slumber. I purchased the CD version later that day, too.

I am constantly impressed by Darren's lyrics. And this album is no exception. It is in my nature to read lyrics deeply, and perhaps due to some of my experiences in these past four or five months, I feel like some of the songs were written about my situation. I was told that the sign of a truly great artist is being able to relate to them. And so I do.

Talk Talk Talk, Black Out the Sun, Bloodstained Heart and Hurt particularly resonate with me. The lyrics of Don't Give Up are probably the most poignant -

“and i want to run away from this
but i’d never leave a sinking ship
no
without you in it there’s no point to our story
well i can’t believe it’s come to this
all our secret codes and battleships
no
without you in it there’s no point to our story"

Another favourite of mine is Siren's Call. It reminds me of whales. Just beautiful. And the versions of Talk Talk Talk and Black Out the Sun performed in the attic are beautiful too.

The album, like Darren's previous two solo releases, is themed. Secret Codes and Battleships carries the theme of the sea and love lost – with metaphors of the sea scattered through the songs. It's a lyrically dark album, but sonically uplifting. While I probably wouldn't dance to this album, it is certainly a pleasant listen. His vocal range is pretty amazing, though I prefer the sound of his lower notes.

Darren is a honest lyricist, and on first listen it is easy to wonder whether he has written about the break up of his relationship. But in reading recent articles and listening to interviews, he states that the album is based on seeing other peoples' relationships falling apart, and also the demise of a friendship.

I am seeing Darren live in just over a week, twice, and can't wait to watch him play this new album live, and rekindle the old songs.

20 October 2011

"I wonder if you know the pain to want the one thing that you haven't got?"~Savage Garden - Mine

Sometimes when there's something 'wrong' with you, others may avoid talking about the parts of their lives that you can't have. So it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, or jealous or sad, I guess.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately - the tiptoe and avoidance around topics. Mostly about the tightrope balance of not wanting people to avoid discussing the topics that are an elephant in your room, and then, not wanting to face up to the elephants in your room when they do come up in discussion. Do you follow? Maybe I am tiptoeing and avoiding being clear. It is hard to explain.

Take my situation. I don't expect my friends to stop discussing make up or waxing just because I can't do those things. But I will say that I once got a bit bored when a friend I was out with went on a tangent in the shopping centre, lured by an accented man giving away free facials. I sort of hung around while she got her facial, and he didn't acknowledge me, at all, because, obviously, I was the girl with the weird red face, clearly unable to use the products.

However, sometimes, and only very rarely, I don't want to hear how good people have it, when I can't easily have the same.

And often I can't handle hearing about constant success stories of finding love, or even just quick fucks. I recently spent time with an old friend and I got tired, and admittedly a bit sad, about the number of dates she'd been on, and the ease of it all. Man after man, and casually shrugging at the ease of dating.

I think that is what it boils down to. I can't say it's jealousy. Nor wallowing in self pity. I know I've got it pretty good in my life. It's more like "I don't want to know about the ease of it all".

I think about how easy it would be not to have to worry about what I will wear - not for the fun of fashion that I love so much, but for not having to worry about getting hot or cold or sunburnt or scratched. I once felt the breeze on an un-stockinged leg on a spring day. That feeling was amazing! I wondered what it'd be like to feel that every day. I wonder what it'd be like to wear a dress without having to cover up, not just for a photo on the concrete step, but for a whole night.

I think about how easy it would be to not think about staying over at someone's house impromptu. Like a one night stand. I did this recently with Bern Morley - not a one night stand in the literal sense, but decided to drink a lot more than anticipated, so I stayed over at her hotel. I had to top up on my vaseline at the 7/11 and source some clean undies and find a facewasher at reception, all because I don't wake up looking and feeling the same way as I go to sleep. And if I was to have a one night stand - pigs might fly - I'd get all hot and heavy and then have to explain that I wake up looking like Freddy Kruger, post coitus. Awkward.

I think about how easy it would be just to smile at someone in a bar and catch their attention, and have them come over to me and start up a conversation - not because they are curious about the way I look, but because they like the way I look.

I'd been discussing this idea of tiptoeing and avoidance with my good friend Sydney Shop Girl. The sadness and loss she has endured this past year is heartbreaking. She is the most giving, resilient and kind person I know, and it is so difficult for her to comfortably see new life just happening around her, and accept the conversations of how easy things are for other people. My thoughts are with you Sydney Shop Girl, through this difficult time, and beyond.

The things that people do in life - the way they live their lives, the
way the world turns, just happens. Births, good health, able bodies, wearing a strapless dress. These things can't be avoided when
you can't do or have what they can. And no
matter how simple they seem, they can often be difficult to deal with. No matter whether tiptoe and avoid the topic for your sake.

18 October 2011

I received a comment from a reader named Joanne in response to my
Everything
to everyone post. I guess it was like being pulled up by a parent
for getting too big for my boots. Here is her comment.

"Hi Carly, long time follower but first time
commentor. I think your blog is fantastic, you are a truly funny and
enlightening person and I enjoy reading your posts everytime you
update. Congratulations on your new website.

I have to say, though, this post left a bit of a bad
taste. To me, and perhaps I misunderstood you, but you appear to be
saying that you're becoming "overwhelmed" with your fame,
that you can't deal with being a "role model" for all your
"fans". I found this post a bit arrogant. Im sure you have
loads of followers (myself included as a dedicated one!) but I think
this might be a bit ahead of yourself. You always used to write with
such modesty.

I hope I havent offended you, I just wanted to give you
food for thought as I feel like these posts are kind of sliding
towards arrogance and narcissm. You dont have to publish me if you
don't want, I understand. I dont have a blog so I can only post my
name (Joanne) instead of being Annon (which I hate!) I wish you all
the best!"

Thank you Joanne - it did provide some
food for thought, hence this reply via blog post. Thank you for
taking the time to read my blog and to write to me. I am not offended.

It is always really hard to write about
these issues without seeming like I have an inflated ego. I never
meant that I have a fan following, or that I am a superstar of any
degree. But I'd be lying if I denied that my profile hasn't risen
recently. I think that we all want some attention and praise, and
blogging is an immediate way of receiving that.

But as a blogger, I think it can get
overwhelming at times, a bit like a celebrity (and I am not saying I
am). People can relate to stories we tell, and want to share their
own, and also find some hope and assistance through our words. And
for the most part, it is flattering, and I want to help. While I
understand it is a choice about what I share with the world, it is
not my choice about who contacts me. And so when I receive messages
like I did last week, it can be overwhelming. (Perhaps if I posted
the messages here you'll see why I was overwhelmed. But they're
private messages, very personal to the senders, and so I won't.)

It was after months of receiving emails
from one particular reader, and that confronting email that I wrote
Everything to everyone.

I share a lot of myself on my blog.
I'll admit at times I have written a post - Untouched
for example - and it has been so emotionally draining that I've cried
while writing it. I am also continually worried about offending
someone or revealing too much of those I write about. I often seek
approval or run posts by the person I write about. Most things I blog
are written with a conscience - who may I offend?

It is hard to be authentic and honest
through blogging without it seeming like your life is there on show -
you can't be a carcrash that readers thrive off. But at the same time
blogging allows that community, that support that you need during
difficult times.Which may be a contradictory statement given that I
feel overwhelmed.

It was never my intention to seem
narcissistic or arrogant in that post or any of my writing. I was
simply trying to articulate my feelings through writing them out on
my blog. Maybe, like so much of the other 'therapy through writing'
I've done lately, I should have left it unpublished.

My feelings of being everything to
everyone have definitely stemmed from my experiences in the past few
months. I helped someone I love through an extremely tough time. I
was 'there' to answer each text, each email. I went to a counselor to
see how I could better help him. (Without meaning to sound like a
martyr) I put my own feelings for him aside and just focused on his
healing. And when he was healed, and I told him my feelings, it was
too late. I'm no longer needed. It was too much at times. And I
believe I worried myself sick. I don't think it is a coincidence that
I ended up in hospital - twice - during the time I was providing
support. While it wasn't in me not to provide support - and he told
me that he couldn't have gotten through without me and a few others -
I can't give so much of myself again, just yet, because of this. He
loved me because he believed I'm strong, and maybe leant on me for
that reason too. But even the strong ones can't take on everything.
Who will support the supporter?

For the past seven weeks, I've felt
broken, lost, used and so very sad. Not depressed, just sad because
of grief. The
best I can explain it is here, and I've tried not to saturate
this blog with my feelings. And that's why I needed to take a step
back. It was difficult supporting someone I love. And so I can't be
there to assist others (strangers) who contact me because they
relate. I take on a lot, and I can't let myself get hurt again. It
may seem blunt, callous, selfish, narcissistic or arrogant of me. But
I'm looking out for number one right now - me.

Blogging. It's a tough balance. I'm
always going to be myself here. But that may mean seem arrogant or
selfish at times. Humility and modesty wont always shine through my
writing. Because I can't be everything to everyone.

I'd be interested to hear from other
bloggers (or people with disabilities) whose profiles have increased
or receive requests of support from strangers. How do you deal? And
who else relates to this
episode of SBS Insight?

16 October 2011

It's been a while since I blogged about the mundane. You know, every day stuff. And so here you go. My week (ish) in pictures. Not in chronological order.

Turning into a vain princess

I had filming for No Limits yesterday. The final shoot of the season. And last shoot I had my hair curled and a bit of lipstick applied. And in three weeks I have purchased three lip glosses and a hair curler.

My face was a bit sore yesterday, and I have a mild cold, so being pampered was just what I needed.And it was so nice to have someone pay attention to making me look good - I find that really hard to come by with hairdressers.

Even though I was a lot redder than usual, the lovely make-up artist made sure my lippie stood out. Wow. I never thought the day would come when I'd get a little excited over make-up and hair.

No Limits fun

It is always fun on set! Yesterday it seemed pretty quiet around the
traps though. We all arrived at different times. We managed to snap this
photo between episodes. Pictured: Elvira, Phin and Louis.

I made the most wonderful mid-week dinner. Prawn tacos. I was inspired by Sydney Shop Girl, remembering that she'd made them, and so I had to google the ingredients and then go abd buy them after work. It's really easy.

Make a salad out of red cabbage, carrots, coriander and spring onions.

I grated the carrots and chopped the other vegies.

Cook the prawns - I cooked them in a little organic salted butter from Tasmania.

Mix up a dressing of mayonnaise and sour cream (and horseradish, but I couldn't find any) and lime juice. Mum bought me the cool lime squeezer. I also have a lemon squeezer similar.

Assemble tacos on a tortilla. I added some jalapeno salsa. Because I am addicted to the stuff and eat it by the spoonful.

Fold in half and eat. Yummmmm.

Tweeting the the stars

I put a tweet out about Neighbours. And then to my surprise, one of my favourite singers, Bob Evans, tweeted me back!

And again! That's when good rockstars and fans become good tweeters. Indeed.

Tweet of the Month

Speaking of Twitter, I was featured Tweet of the Month in Shop til You Drop magazine. They had a special about shopping away a sucky day - including what the buy when you have a broken heart. How apt. So I tweeted.

My Tweet of the Month resulted in much teasing by my friends though.

Mamasita

A friend and I went to the much hyped Mamasita restuarant. Wow. It was amazing. A bit of a queue. But so amazing!

Two margaritas on a school night. This one was citrus with vanilla salt.

Corn on the cob - the most amazing corn we'd ever had. And that salsa in the background - wow!! The corn had spices and cheese on it.

Ceviche - market fish in coconut milk and lime. It was tart and refreshing and delicious.

Tortilla. This was the lamb one, with cheese and lemon. We stacked it with that salsa, which made it even better.

Goat and corn. It was great. Quite a big serving. My friend had two pieces of goat. I had one.

And this was fantastic - corn icecream with caramelised popcorn!

Here is Mitch with our second serving of corn. We got hungry.

By this time it was already 9.00pm and we'd been there for over three hours. People were still queuing. We felt quite special to be there eating and drinking at the bar.

The service was attentive and really quick. The noise level was good. It was very trendy in there. The food was amazing - definitely not your Taco Bill type Mexican. I highly recommend eating at Mamasita.

Mitch and I met in about 1993 when his brother was my wardmate in hospital. His family and I have been friends ever since.

14 October 2011

My
willpower is quite strong. I have had a packet of Tim Tams in my fridge
for over a month and there are still seven left in the packet. I don't
eat chips much because they make my tummy sore. I am not phased if I
drink alcohol or not, I can stop at one (but tonight I shall be stopping
at one bottle). I don't drink coffee - I only drink herbal tea. And
I've not had sex for one year and four days, and I'm ok with that -
maybe due to situation rather than willpower - though I'd kill to be
held by someone I love sometime soon. And tonight I deactivated my
Facebook account. The point I am getting to in this entry is longwinded,
but bear with me.

I'm not going to make some grand statement declaring that I've
activated it for good. Because it probably will be reactivated sooner
than it should be. And it seems pretty damn easy to reactivate - it just
takes entering your email address and password. Hell I could have
logged out for the same effect. My willpower is not that strong. I'll
miss the contact. And Facebook is part of my media career strategy. (I
still have my Facebook page though. Become a fan!)
But I do think it has become a time waster and a heart breaker. And
there's more. I've lived without Facebook until 2007, I can live without
it (Clem Bastow has written a wonderful and sad blog
entry about giving up social media, and I can relate.)

Facebook
is looking into peoples' lives. You can't really choose what you are
being fed - even if you hide newsfeeds. I see pictures I can't unsee.
Statuses with hideous spelling. And worse, friends' viewpoints that are
racist, sexist, and discriminatory. And I see the one I love with
someone else. I can't deal with communication through Facebook likes
alone. And that's not all.

I am pretty lax with my Facebook friends. If friends is the right
term. I have over 1300 Facebook contacts. I would say I know 900 of
them in some form - friend, family, colleague at work or uni, school
friend (?) or blogger (even if we have not met) but I also have a lot of
people that I don't know accessing my Facebook profile. I am not fussed
with strangers seeing my life. I put a lot on my blog for the world to
see. But as
I mentioned last month, I have come to censor what I write on
Facebook, and take my frustration over to Twitter, maybe it's because my
Twitter contacts know me less.

Having somewhat a public profile with this blog, my media
appearances and general magnetising personality (haha) means I get
contacted by a lot of people. The majority of it is fantastic contact.
it is flattering. I take the time to respond to those who contact me,
add them as Facebook friends even. I get asked a lot of advice,
particularly about ichthyosis. From people with ichthyosis, and families
of those with the condition. It puts some pressure on me. Of course I
don't mind providing advice, but advice based on my experiences is all I
can provide.

I rarely provide medical advice to people. I'd hate for a mum to
put some cream I recommended onto their baby's skin and it have an
adverse reaction. I leave that to the other people. Can't risk it. There
are also those who hope that contact with me that would change their
lives. It is flattering, but also a bit of pressure.

It is
not like I don't want to help people. It is just that I can't be
everything to everyone. All the time. My day job as an events planner at
times means I need to be everything to everyone. I love my job. But
when being everything to everyone spills into my other life, it can be
tiring.

And sometimes this somewhat public profile means I can't
just vent anonymously. So I have to leave the subjects I am venting
about anonymous. We all need to vent.

It's like some people forget that social etiquette still applies
online. I discovered that when online
dating. Last week I received two bits of unwanted contact. One via
email - ranting about why I didn't show the same respect and support to
them like
I did to the one I love. This ranter is almost a stranger. Yep. And
I was on the receiving end of a ranty, lengthy email.

The other was a message from person who had come into contact
with me after I appeared in New Idea. They imagined that meeting me
would change their life. We haven't met. Just a few Facebook messages
exchanged. The message from them last week was one of the most
confrontating, vile and sad emails I have received. That message should
never have been put on me. What are the right words to say?

When I
received those two messages, I shuddered. How contactable how am I? How
accountable do I have to be? When does my role as being the life lesson
for someone stop, and I just live my life? And how many stories of
personal struggles and triumphs should I be putting out there if it
means my experiences are what people relate to and therefore trust enough to approach and spill it all out?

I cannot deal. I can't be everything to everyone. I can't
expect to pick up and support almost strangers. Supporting people I
know and love, plus looking after myself often doesn't give me much
buoyancy. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning.

And I think that deactivating Facebook - even for just a short
while - will help me stay afloat, and become more productive again. It
has been a big contributor to my sadness, to the overwhelming feelings
lately. Catch you round on Twitter,
on the phone, or in real life. Back on Facebook when I can float
better.

PS: tonight I plan to be productive without Facebook. I need to
sew a button on, select three wardrobe changes for filming tomorrow and
make my birthday party invitations. Can I do it? Yes I can!

13 October 2011

Are you looking at me?
Want a closer look? Carlyfindlay.com is here and open for business

People
stare at me every day – a lot. And not just because I’ve got
great legs and some decent cleavage to flaunt – I’ve got brains
too!

Who
is Carly Findlay?

I’m
a chronic illness ambassador, advocate for people with a disability,
budding TV presenter and engaging writer with a blog (Tune
into Radio Carly)
that attracts 8,000 unique visits a month.

At
the heart of it though, I’m a down-to-earth young woman with a
talent for sharing stories about being chronically ill. Throw some
social commentary, food, music, fashion and shopping into the mix as
well as some musings about the ignorant twits who can’t get over my
appearance and you’ll see I’ve got some interesting tales to
tell.

It’s
my dream to make a positive difference in the world. I
want to continue breaking down the prejudices towards people with
visibly different appearances, and give everyone the confidence and
pride to hold their head up high and smile. You can find out more
about me by visiting www.carlyfindlay.com

Let’s
work together

I
want to work with you to promote your company, brand or cause. Visit
www.carlyfindlay.com
where you can take a look at my writing, TV and radio work.

Contact

I
am happy to discuss advertising, sponsorship, freelance writing and
speaking/presenting opportunities. Please contact meif
you would like to discuss this or if you want to chat about other
ways we could work together.

An
exciting opportunity is the BlogHer conference in New York which I
will attend in August 2012. I’m seeking sponsorship for this trip
and can work with you to promote your brand, business or cause in the best way
possible.

09 October 2011

Balls. Grow some. That was what was going through my head last night. And lucky for me, my thoughts became a real life art installation when I saw this awesome sign on the men's toilet door in a funky St Kilda bar.

The universe has dealt me some pretty shitty situations over these past few months. Sickness. Heartbreak. Sadness. Etc. And I am pretty fucking resilient when it comes down to it. I can handle the rudest of insults, the meanest of jeers and laugh off the shittiest situations. But sometimes I just wish for a break. Some happiness. And a few good men. Not fuckwits. I will start at the beginning.

Fuckwit number 1

I had secured my first date in a while. I was super excited - luck was wished, pashes were hoped for, and my outfits were planned. I'd met him on the online dating website. He seemed pretty normal compared to the others. Or maybe normal is just freaky. I don't know. We made it past chatting on the site, to texting, to talking on the phone. He said he wanted a girl he could treat like a princess. And said I was beautiful. And so we met in person - out for dinner. I looked like the hottest woman I'd ever seen. I gave it my all - showing off my legs and boobs. He looked a lot older than I expected. And from the get go, the date was flailing.

He wasn't really into food. Wanted to opt for the cheaper restaurant. Later he told me he was a 'tight arse'. He took a call at the table. He told me he was only just learning how to cook. He chose the cheapest thing on the menu, then hated the taste of it, pulling faces when he ate. He said if dessert wasn't good, he'd throw it in the waitress's face, and then grinned and laughed. He said his ex mother in law could have cooked it better than him. He complained about the food for a good 15 minutes. My food was fine.

While he has a sad background, he spoke about his ex wife for more than an hour - in fact, telling me the karma he wished on her - one of the reactions my skin gets actually. He told me how much money he earned, and what's in the bank. He didn't drink and told me that when he does, he gets aggressive.

He asked me about myself for about 10 minutes.

And he said "Fuck Darren Hayes, man". No date of mine criticises my truest love on our first encounter. Sure, take the piss when we are in love. But not when you are trying to make a good impression.

I wondered how I would end the night. It was just on two hours of pleasant nods and smiles, false enthusiasm on my part, and me trying to make conversation. And then, the perfect opportunity arose.

"I've spent a lot of money on something I'm not proud of. This week in fact", he said.
Oh.
"Yes, it's not alcohol, or drugs, or smokes", he said.
Oh
"But I won't say what it is".

And I replied "you just did".

And then he told me how he uses prostitutes regularly. $5000 in one year in fact. Last Thursday, the day after he texted me telling me he wants to meet.

"I have to go now", I told him. I gave him some money. He took it - but I shouldn't have had to pay for that experience. And we left. I said see you, and walked off.

I don't think he is a bad person. Just incredibly socially inept.And on the upside, he didn't mention my skin once. I think he was quite into me actually, he did look at me a lot, in a good way. Yep.

I rang Bern, who has moved to Melbourne, telling her how awful it was. And so I drove to St Kilda to hang out with her.

Fuckwit number 2

Before I drove there, I checked my phone. I had a new Facebook message from a guy I'd been talking to but hadn't met yet. It's an ichthyosis thing. The message was confronting. Too much information in fact. Sad too. I can't handle it. Wow is all I can say, mainly out of respect for his situation.

Fuckwit Number 3

I drove to St Kilda, getting a bit lost and frazzled, crying for a moment, thinking about the shitty situation that had just gone down, and remembering that exactly one year ago to almost the hour, I was being held by the man I love. I finally reached the bar she was at, so glad to see her. A true friend she is.

We sat down on a couch. The guy opposite us said to me "excuse me, your face is scaring me".

WHAT?

"Yes, you look scary".

His girlfriend just looked at him in disbelief. I couldn't believe it. What was he? An infant? Certainly a good candidate to get the slap.

And so I let loose, swearing at him, telling him how rude he was. Acting on adrenaline.

His girlfriend still stared at him in disbelief. I think I may have broken up their relationship. She told him that they should go. He was trying to apologise to me. I told him I didn't want to hear it. What I really wanted to do, was grab his pint of $5 beer and pour it over his head. But I feared the headline "TV presenter arrested in St Kilda bar for assault".

The guy told me he wanted to explain why he thought I looked scary. Yes, because that's a justification I really wanted to hear. I told him to shut the fuck up. In those words.

And then they left. His girlfriend apologised, told me she hopes my night gets better. And I said it can only improve on how it's been.

And the night did get better. Cheap beer, a funky bar, cheesy pizza and lots of laughs, and me doing the walk of shame from her hotel to my car this morning.

04 October 2011

"...You are my friendWe’ve always had an understanding yeahI can’t
comprehendHow we’re now talking different languages

I believe
in love I believe in loveI believe in loveBut do you?

And
it’s true everybody knowsPeople come and people goYou mean much
more to meI don’t one of those to be youBut I really don’t know
what I can do

I believe in making upI believe in making upI
believe in making upBut do you?"~ Bob Evans, Friend

This weekend will mark one year. Friday
at around 5.00 pm to Monday at around 8.30 am. I remember every single moment. And I wish
I didn’t. I am dreading it.

I have three options to get me through.
Look at whether there is a memory eraser, akin to Eternal Sunshine of
the Spotless Mind. Spend the whole weekend drunk. Or do stuff to take
my mind off it. I’ve already got dinner and movies with a friend on
Friday night. And offers of phone calls during the weekend. And
getting in and doing some things I need to make happen. For me. That
is a start.

It is only an anniversary. Only a
series of memories strung together. Only things that I remember. The best things. The worst. The things that only two people in this world know. I’ll
be ok. Just breathe.

I am feeling a bit better than I did
4-5 weeks ago, when the day came that I wasn’t needed anymore. In
the second week, I researched what grief feels like. The sadness. The
heaviness. The worthlessness. And the hopelessness. These feelings
combined were foreign to me. I hadn’t experienced grief properly
before, and for this I felt guilty – should I have felt it when
someone I knew died? Especially when I still think there was nothing tangible lost.

I saw there were five stages of grief –
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think I
missed the person-to-person bargaining stage and just did this in the
form of writing many unsent letters. And there was never any denial.
I knew the reality. I now swing between anger and sadness. I wake up
with all these words on my mind, things I want to say, but can’t
and probably won’t. More unsent letters in my head. Sadness is heavy. I want to feel fun again.

I went to see the counselor again. The
first visit, in July, was to help me help him. This visit was to help me. It was good to
talk things through, without the “I told you so’s” and judgment
– all well-meaning of course. And it was good to know my feelings
are valid. For so much of this has been wondering whether it's stupid
to feel the way I do.

I keep thinking I was just a reserve.
There just in case. The worst feeling is that of being used.
It has grabbed me with its force and wrung me out. I don't do regret, blame or resentment well, so the feelings and blame seem to be self imposed.

This isn’t a friendship. This has
been reduced to communication by Facebook likes. Of course I could
click unfriend and block. I’ve already removed the newsfeed.
Nothing more uplifting than my top news notifying me the one I love
is in a relationship with someone else. But I feel like I owe him
more than that. Plus, jut because someone’s off your Facebook feed
doesn’t mean they’re off your mind. The politics of social media
make all forms of relationships more complex. I am keeping a brave
front for my Facebook friends – the majority of whom know me
personally, and of course, him. Yet over on Twitter I am venting my
anger and sadness with lyrics and pictures and sarcastic digs. The relatively anonymous support is comforting. And
here on this blog, it’s what the counsellor encouraged me to do.
Write. It’s more censored and considered than on Twitter though.

And the acceptance in my
grieving process? I've decided two things. Taken from a song lyric -
I can't bear to see you with another, but dear I hope you're happy
all the same. And this. My new mantra: to treat myself better, I have
to find someone who will treat me better.

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The material on Tune into Radio Carly is copyright.The writing in this blog is by Carly Findlay unless otherwise stated.Most photos in this blog are by Carly Findlay unless otherwise stated.Please do not reproduce without permission from Carly Findlay.

This blog represents my personal opinions and experiences. It does not reflect those of my employers'.The information I provide about ichthyosis is mostly based on personal experiences. Please seek medical advice or counseling before trying any new treatments I've written about.