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The Smithee Awards Blog

Can not be unseen

Whatever happened to Mary (Sue)?

If you ever felt in the mood to watch a vampire movie which feels for all the world like a Christine Feehan fan-fiction with a very strong Mary-Sue element (the lead actress wrote the script), then I would recommend that you watch Kiss of the Vampire. Or perhaps get electroshock therapy.

Wow. Where to begin with a vampire movie of such vast ... magnitude?

At the opera.

Estelle (Kat Hawks) and her parents and her fiance are at an opera. Estelle's fiance is drunk and derisive. During the opera, across the room, Estelle's eye is caught by a mysterious stranger. After the opera, the fiance gets verbally abusive, the mysterious stranger kicks his ass in a genteel fashion, and then introduces himself as Alex (Daniel Goddard).

Estelle and Alex go to dinner. The fiance is never seen again. Estelle and Alex seem to hit it off, but Alex has to disappear quickly.

The reason Alex has to disappear is because his vampiric buddies are feeding somewhat indiscriminately at a rave when cops bust the place, expecting to find illegal drugs transactions. Instead, Alex has to use his secret special vampire powers to teleport all the vamps away in a burst of mistyness.

Several months pass, and Alex resurfaces at an art gallery where Estelle works. He's looking at a large picture of the sun, and asks to buy it. He also asks Estelle to dinner, but on their way to the restaurant, she's mugged and he is shot -- yet mysteriously unhurt!

Alex's vampire buddy Sebastian (Gary Daniels) is worried about this mysterious woman that has such a strong hold over Alex (this is following his second date). Her father is doing longevity research for a charitable foundation that is a front corporation for ... The Illuminati! The Illuminati are lead by Victor Price (Eric Etebari), is ruthless -- and they've been using illegal organ harvests to extend their lifespans.

Alex shows up while his fangy buds are talking about him. He thinks it would be appropriate to give vampiric immortality to The Illuminati. But they're just too ruthless. Alex's vampire buds thinks he's nuts. In a fit of pique, he throws them out of his house.

Vampires posture by snarling fangs and making animal noises. It may sound dorky, but it's ten times worse when you see it.

The vampire buddies go out and feed a bit indiscriminately, catching the attention of the cops that Alex spirited them all away from several months previous. They decide to call upon the services of Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter. We know he's Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter because (a) the cops say he is, and (b) he has a promotional video that we watch the cops watching.

Alex tells Estelle that he's a vampire, but he wants her father's help to become mortal. Because he's fallen in love, and he cannot be with her unless he's mortal ... or something. That part is implied.

Victor & The Illuminati find out about Alex. Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter teams up with the cops to kill all the vampires (except Alex), but himself dies in the process.

Estelle's dad discovers that vampirism is like a virus kind of, and just needs to find the perfect antibody in order to cure Alex! The Illuminati intervene, and threaten Serious Unspecific Bad Things unless they're made immortal Real Soon Now.

In a strange double-cross, Alex gives The Illuminati what they want, then teleports their heads to the moon (vampire heads in SPAAAAACE!!!!), where he strands them. We hear them growling in fury as shooting stars streak behind them, oblique to the angle of the earth.

With The Illuminati gone, crime on earth plummets, and people live in peace and harmony. Alex somehow is made mortal. The final shot is a freeze-frame of Estelle which wipes to a freeze-frame of the sun painting with an insert shot of Estelle and Alex nearly kissing.

I cannot overemphasize the sheer clunkiness of the dialogue and exposition in this movie. My favorite quote is "In the last year, there has been a harmony amongst the people of the world since crime has been at an all-time low since the eradication of the Illuminati" -- although the lyric "You turned your face from morbid shadow" (from the "Immortally Yours" song) runs a very close second place.

There is no earthly (or supernatural) reason why this movie could not air on the Lifetime channel.