The Question That Can Change Your Life

Alana was too young for breast cancer. Her daughter had just turned two when the biopsy report came back, and Alana's first thought was, Will I see her grow up? Now, more than five years later and in remission, Alana talks about that crisis as a gift that she wouldn't trade: "It made me realize what mattered—quality time with my loved ones."

Before her diagnosis, Alana was perpetually speeding around. She felt as though she never had enough time and was always letting someone down. After her diagnosis, Alana's mantra became I have no time to rush. She committed herself to slowing down and being with her family, which meant turning routine tasks—bathing her daughter, preparing meals, shopping—into "together time." Alana found she was able to listen more carefully to her husband, and she felt her affection bloom as she watched his silly antics with their daughter. "I still don't know how long I have," she said. "All I know is I'm not going to watch my daughter leave for college and wonder how the years flashed by. We're living our moments."

Alana made the decision to live with intention. Intention is the key to living from our truest, wisest self. Both Western psychology and Eastern spiritual traditions emphasize the importance of reflecting on our deepest intentions as catalysts for change.

Although Alana's cancer diagnosis was her wake-up call, we don't need to be facing death to align our lives with our hearts. Yet, sadly, it takes a crisis for us to break free of patterns of excessive planning, worrying, and reacting with fear and anger when things don't go our way. Like Alana, we need to become aware of what we care about and consciously make it the driving force in our lives.

Intentions, unlike goals, are not simply outcomes that we hope will manifest in our lives. Intentions can be conscious or unconscious and are composed of the emotional and mental energy that governs our thoughts and behavior. Whether our intentions are rooted in our highest aspirations or our deepest fears, they shape our lives.

That means that we need to make a regular practice of recognizing our habitual, fear-based intentions and reconnecting with our highest, wisest intentions.

[pagebreak]I began such a practice right out of college. During a weekend camping trip, a friend told me about her experiences learning to be "my own best friend." A wave of sadness came over me, and I broke down sobbing. I was the furthest thing from being my own best friend. I was often at war with myself, judging my flaws harshly, questioning my worth. During that weekend, I faced something I'd been running from for years: a sense that something was fundamentally wrong with me. In recognizing this deep pain, I felt a longing that has been with me ever since: my deep intention to befriend and trust myself.

Before this experience, my energy often was directed toward proving myself worthy, judging myself, and hiding my flaws. After I realized my longing to befriend myself, this changed. With the help of a regular meditation practice, I became mindful of my efforts to seek approval and gradually learned to let go of self-judgment, as well as to offer myself compassion. My intention naturally broadened to include others. Over the decades, I've assisted many clients in recognizing their true intentions. While there are many strategies, one is a particular favorite.

Imagine you are at the end of your life looking back, and ask yourself this question: What matters most as I scan through the years?

The sign of connecting with a true intention is a sense in the body, a shift that feels like a homecoming. If you take even a short time each day to pause, sit quietly, and tap into your true intention for that day, it will gain power, energizing and guiding more and more moments of your life.

While our wise intentions are broad-learning to love without holding back, trusting ourselves, living fully, helping others, realizing our own true nature-they are manifested from actions with a specific focus.

For Alana, remembering that "there's no time to rush" enabled her to pause and cherish being with her daughter and husband. Especially when in the midst of conflict, reflecting on what's most important allows us to be guided by the compass of our heart.

Our days do not have to be ruled by anxiety about what others think or by the shame of never being enough. If we're willing to ask ourselves each day, What is my deepest intention? we will live with increasing spontaneity, trust, and love.

Bronnie Ware, a writer who spent several years caring for dying people in their homes, tells of the most common and poignant regret of the dying: "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

My favorite Zen master, Shunryu Suzukiroshi, teaches that the most important thing in life is to find out what is the most important thing.