Sylvia, I noticed you're having trouble getting Nelson to brush his teeth. Ugh! He's such a stubborn little guy! Well, in my experience, good parenting comes down to two things … threats and bribes. It works on husbands too.

You've been sitting there for 15 minutes. Are you getting up or not? I feel like the Tin Man from "The Wizard of Oz." My joints are all rusted. I need someone with an oil can to loosen me up. I don't have an oil can. How about a kick in the seat?

I hope you know I just cleaned up this room. So you boys better keep it this way if you know what's good for you. Don't worry, dear, we will. No worries. A room isn't truly clean unless gramma threatens you with bodily harm if you mess it up.

What, you're not doing that mindlessness thing anymore? For the last time, it's called mindfulness! And to tell the truth, I've found that knitting gives me that same sense of serenity. Plus, I've got sharp needles in case someone tries to spoil it.

You can come back to bed now, Earl. I took off the satin sheets and put the old cotton ones back on, okay? Will you come back to bed now? Depends. Did you put a mint on my pillow? No, but I'll put a dent in your keister. Okay! Okay!

Earl! Get up right now or I'm going to get the marbles! Okay! Okay! I'm getting up already! What do you mean, you'll get the marbles, gramma? I keep a sack of marbles in the freezer. If he won't get up I toss them under the sheets.

Dogs don't like it if you stare directly at them, Nelson. They take it as a threat. Watch, I'll show you. I'll stare at him and he'll start to feel threatened and growl at me. A-a-any minute now . . . There. See what I mean? Yawn!