Steve Bartman Still Screwing His Way Through Grateful White Sox and Cardinals Fans

Cubs fan Steve Bartman has yet to grant a single interview since his fateful catch of a pop foul over Chicago outfielder Moises Alou played a role in the Cubs losing the 2003 NLCS. Most have assumed that Bartman has kept a low profile in order to avoid further ridicule from Cubs fans, but those close to him say he has spent much of the time since October of 2003 getting laid.

"Hey, I'm sure he'll eventually give an interview," said Bartman's cousin, Greg Bartman. "But not until the non-stop Cardinals and White Sox fan ass dries up. And it doesn't seem to be any end in sight. The guy is having the time of his life."

The bespectacled, nerdy-looking Bartman never had much success with girls before the 2003 NLCS, said his mother, Brenda Bartman, "but now there's a new girl slinking out almost every morning from his room in the basement," she said, "and they usually have a White Sox or Cardinals logo tramp stamp peeking out from above their pants. I'm very proud of him for turning a negative into a positive. He's never been happier."

"I thought I recognized him," she said. "So I went up and asked if he was Steve Bartman. I think he noticed that I was wearing a White Sox shirt, because he said: 'For you I am, baby.' We went and did it in a janitor's closet. I'm pretty sure it was Bartman."

But it's not just grateful Cardinals and White Sox fans that Bartman has had sex with. According to a co-worker, many self-loathing Cubs fans have sought out the infamous fan, too.

"You have to hate yourself to a certain degree to be a Cubs fan," said Bartman's co-worker, David Stanton. "So there are lots of Cubs fans out there who literally want to get f—ked by Steve Bartman. He's got a nice little racket going."