What is relationship abuse or domestic abuse?

An abusive relationship is when someone is made to feel intimidated, controlled, frightened or repeatedly unhappy by someone they are close to or in a relationship with. It usually refers to abuse by a partner or ex-partner, but it can also be by a family member or carer. In the vast majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men. It can happen to anyone regardless of their age, sexuality, background, ethnicity, religion or whether they live with or apart from their partner. Domestic abuse does not always happen face to face, it frequently involves someone stalking their partner on social media or sending abusive messages or comments.

​Types of Abuse

Emotional abuse is an attack on your personality rather than your body. Coercive control is a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control.

​It can include criticising you or putting you down; losing their temper; threatening to hurt themselves, you or people you care about; controlling things such as who you can see, where you can go or what you can wear; monitoring you on social media or being jealous and possessive.​​If your partner makes you feel nervous all the time, like you can’t do anything right, or if you find yourself changing your behaviour to avoid upsetting them you are experiencing emotional abuse.

​Sexual abuse includes making you do sexual things you don’t want to by nagging, threatening, saying things like “if you loved me you would...”, or using drugs or alcohol. Pressuring you to have unprotected sex, watch porn, or have sex when you don’t want to.

Physical abuse includes shoving, pushing, holding you down, hitting, kicking, punching or strangling you. Smashing or hitting things to frighten you. ​Financial abuse includes paying for things then expecting something back, making you pay for everything, controlling your money or access to money. ​These are examples of relationship abuse, it is not an exhaustive list and there many other things and behaviours which can be abusive. ​

Warning signs - is it a healthy relationship?

​In a healthy relationship people support and respect each other, they treat each other as equals and listen to how the other is feeling. If you recognise some of these warning signs in your own relationship it might not be healthy and you might be experiencing relationship abuse.

They get really jealous when you spend time with your friends

Check what you are posting on social media

Tell you what you can or can’t wear

Demand to know who you’re talking to or stop you from talking to people

Accuse you of flirting or cheating when you’re just being friendly

Lose their temper or shout at you

Make you feel bad about yourself or like you can’t do anything right

Threaten to hurt you or threaten to self-harm

Threaten to spread rumours or share private things/images of you

Say they can’t live without you​​

It doesn't have to happen all the time to be unhealthy, in fact an abusive person will nearly always switch between being nice sometimes and abusive/controlling at other times. ​If you notice any of these things happening in your relationship - talk to someone.

​Talking to someone doesn't mean your boyfriend or girlfriend has necessarily done anything wrong or that you should end the relationship. It's okay just to have questions about what a healthy relationship is, and if your partner is starting to act in a controlling way towards you the earlier you say something the easier it will be to sort out.

Understanding and leaving an abusive relationship

​Abuse is never the fault of the victim. You cannot provoke or cause someone to abuse you; they are responsible for their own actions. They may try and convince you that you were 'asking for it', or you did something to provoke them but is just another way to make you feel bad. Whatever the circumstances there are no excuses for abuse. (Things like being drunk, having a bad day, feeling jealous or being provoked are not excuses.) Any form of domestic abuse is not your fault and you do not deserve it.

​A lot of people ask 'can I help him change?' or 'will he change over time?' The simple answer is no, you cannot make or help someone who is abusive to you change. They might say you can, or promise they will “make it up to you” and never do it again, but the truth is abuse usually only gets gradually worse. It is not you or the relationship that needs to change. The best thing you can do is leave and take back control of your own life.

​If you're thinking about leaving an abusive partner and want to talk to someone the National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) can help. They can also assist with keeping safe during and after leaving, accommodation and places to go, protecting children and advice on contacting police or criminal proceedings.