Jewish Spy Ring Uncovered?!

The FBI in their overzealousness claims to have unearthed a Jewish spy ring. But I have my doubts.

A Jewish Spy Ring? No, it’s not a bad dream, a Saturday Night Live sketch, or the latest rant from Mel Gibson. Unfortunately, it’s actually in the news. Due to the recent discovery and scandal of the Russian spy ring, the FBI has switched into its Overzealous Spy-Finding Mode.

As a result, the FBI’s little-known HEYJUDE (Hebrew Enemies Yiddish & Jewish Undercover Division Entrapment) unit has arrested 10 Jews who allegedly spied for the underground Zionist organization BLINTZ (Bringing Learned International Notes to Zion) for up to a decade – accusing them of posing as innocent workers and academics trying to infiltrate U.S. policymaking circles to “research” U.S. weapons, diplomatic strategy and political developments. Shocking political reverberations have been felt from Washington to Jerusalem and throughout the world.

Criminal complaints filed in Federal District Court in Manhattan read like an old-fashioned cold war thriller albeit with a Jewish twist: Spies swapping identical Manishevitz commemorative wine bags as they brushed past one another in a train station stairway. An identity borrowed from a dead mohel, forged passports, messages about the novels of Philip Roth sent by shortwave burst transmission or in invisible ink. A list of influential cantors, and their contact information, buried for years in a field in upstate New York.

I will prove the charges false, that those arrested aren’t even Jewish and demand an FBI apology.

I say relax. It’s not so. It’s trumped up. I will endeavor to prove the charges false, that those arrested are not even Jewish, demand an apology from the FBI, and then leave for a light brunch with my friend Jake.

And speaking of food, my research has revealed some inconsistencies with these “spies” being labeled Jewish. There was not one carton of Chinese take-out food in their garbage. That alone would rule out any Jewish involvement. I did find several Wonder Bread wrappers. Wonder Bread --the most goyishe starch on the planet! As if that weren’t enough, according to inside sources, throughout their capture, interrogation and incarceration, there was no sighing, whining or complaining. Does that sound Jewish to you?

There was no clue in the court papers unsealed recently about how successful the agents had been, but they were alleged to have been long-term, deep cover spies. How’s that for a red flag? Look at any list of desirable occupations for Jews. You’ll find doctors, dentists, attorneys, accountants, bankers, professors, writers, marketing specialists, and entertainers. You will seldom find traitors, secret agents or spies on such a list. And if Jews were on the list, you can bet they would have been successful. Because no Jew wants to go home and face the look on his or her parents’ faces when they hear that after ten long years, not even one spy promotion. Why did we pay all that money for spy college if you’re going to be stuck at the same spy level forever?

The FBI expressed surprise that these “spies” had eluded capture for 10 years, blended into American society so seamlessly, and were far from the James Bond image of professional secret agents. After all, two of them, Jacob and Shirley Feigenbaum, grew zucchini in a backyard garden, walked their daughters to the school bus each morning, and reportedly swapped Chanukah cards with neighbors who had moved to New Jersey. To all appearances, the Feigenbaums were a typical, child-obsessed Jewish American family — not deep-cover Jewish spies straight from a Cold War novel. Then again, how many decades did it take the FBI to determine that J. Edgar Hoover enjoyed wearing dresses?

Instead of car chases and shootouts, these “spies” paid taxes, attended PTA meetings, and lined up for the salad bar at Hometown Buffet. Okay, there’s another red flag – no Jew has ever eaten, or would ever eat, at a Hometown Buffet. When I realized that, I started thinking – Jewish spies? Hometown Buffet? Something’s not adding up.

The inconsistencies continued. The Montclair, N.J. neighbors of Jacob and Shirley Feigenbaum were flabbergasted when a team of F.B.I. agents turned up one night and led the couple away in handcuffs. “They had just baked a bundt cake for us.” One person who lives nearby called them “suburbia personified,” saying that they had asked people for advice about the local schools and best place to buy New York-style cheesecake. Others worried about the Feigenbaums’ elementary-age daughters. One neighbor said she could not believe the charges, especially against Mrs. Feigenbaum. “They couldn’t have been spies,” she said jokingly. “Look what she did with the hydrangeas.”

What is new about the network of illegals rolled up by the F.B.I. is the hi-tech methods they used to communicate with the supersecret Knesset’s National Israeli Spy Headquarters – or as it’s better known, KNISH. Old-fashioned dead drops — leaving documents in a drainpipe or under footbridges, as the American spies Aldrich Ames and Robert Hanssen did for their Soviet paymasters — are passé. These illegals used laptops and set up private wireless networks and JDate and Frumster accounts to communicate with Jewish officials parked in a van near a coffee shop on Eighth Avenue, a bookstore in Tribeca, a restaurant in Washington.

Then there’s blonde-haired Israeli sabra accused of being a deep-cover mole in the U.S. Her ex-husband describes her as, “A quiet low key woman who let me go about my business.” A quiet, low key unobtrusive blonde? Does that even sound like a Jewish wife to you? I rest my case.

Neighbors said the F.B.I. descended on the suspected house — 15 to 20 agents in black vans. The “Feigenbaums”, led out in handcuffs, were put in separate cars. Another red flag – a Jewish woman would insist upon riding in the same car with her husband. Still desperately trying to keep up the guise of being Jewish, however, the Feigenbaums requested “Seinfeld” DVDs for the back seat DVD player, as well as a bagel, lox and whitefish platter while they were being booked. They slipped up, however, in asking for a “smear” for their bagel, rather than a shmear.

I think it’s more than clear that these “Jewish spies” were not only not Jewish, but were no doubt probably not even spies. Just as the “Red Scare” of the 1950s turned out to be a lot of hooey, so this current spy nonsense serves mainly to distract us from what truly should be at the forefront of the news: the economy, the BP oil spill, and Lady Gaga’s latest video. So, if the FBI will simply do the right thing, admit its errors and apologize, the rest of us can get on with our lives and put all this ugliness behind us. And for the record, the only spying I plan to do is to spy if some fresh salmon has come in at my fish market. But first I have to write a letter of thanks to my research associate, Deep Matzoh Ball. He’s Deep Throat’s cousin.

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About the Author

Mark Miller is a comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor blogger for The Huffington Post. His first book, a collection of his humor essays on dating and romance, was published by Skyhorse Publishing on February 3rd of 2015. Its title: 500 Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth. Follow his website/blog at: http://www.markmillerhumorist.com/. And he can be reached at: mark.writer@gmail.com

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...