Britain not in recession, and never has been

George Osborne, the Human Resources manager put in charge of the economy of the UK, has admitted that due to a slight technical error (Osborne: "In the previous administration, mention that!") made by the previous administration, austerity measures were not actually needed, but were in fact very detrimental to the economy.

"It turns out," said Osborne, after a Conservative Party Prescribed Duration of Apology of forty-two seconds, "that on leaving office, the previous chancellor - I forget his name, didn't he have eyebrows or something? - anyway, the previous chancellor turned the economy spreadsheet axis upside-down, so the graph was heading down."

This simple act of wilful vandalism made Osborne believe that the economy was plunging into dire straits, where as it was, in fact, booming.

"We immediately put in place austerity measures," said George (Osborne, not the son of Kate and Wills - he can't speak yet). "What we didn't realise was this would actually slow the growth that had been happening. It did slow the perceived decline."

With the upside-down axis still not spotted, more and more severe austerity plans were put in place, sending Britain perilously close to an actual recession.

As businesses across the country were forced to shut when they were unable to pay increased rates, and had less customers when people pulled in the purse strings, Britain got to within a whisker of entering a recession.

"Three times it looked like we were about to pull out of recession on the graph," said Osborne. "It seems the natural British spirit rallied, and pulled us away, until we piled on more pressure. We were just following the numbers."

Last month, it was finally noticed that the graph was upside down, and the problem corrected. Now Britain is back on the boom, as has been reported in the news. The error was noticed by a new intern who was shown the graph across a table, and told George (Osborn, not Foreman, he makes grills) that the economy looked good.

David Cameron has stated he is still in full support of his chancellor, but has indicated that if he ever gets back into power again after the next election, he'll employ a new chancellor, one that at least passed his Maths O-Level.

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