juvenalian satire

Hello reader, I know you don’t know me but I feel like I have something important to share, and since you can’t stop me I’m just going to keep talking. So a little background, I’m from a small suburb in Alabama, and I’m 14 years old. My name is Carl blahblahblah (my parents told me never to put my last name on the internet). I consider myself to be pretty popular at my catholic school, so you can imagine my surprise when I found myself with the disease.

I thought it only happened to those quiet weirdos who sit in the back of class. When my best friend asked me if I had contracted this disease, if I were a gay, I punched him. It was then that I knew this sickness was dangerous and something had to be done. I couldn’t let the hatred consume me, I had to stop it from the source. If I had learned one thing from my church group, it’s that the disease must be cured otherwise it is only made worse. I don’t know how I could be so stupid to have caught it. That disgusting homosexual mindset. I decided I am stronger than that and I will have control of my life. I did what any rational person should do, I decided to send myself to a gay conversion camp.

I was worried about how my parents would react to my decision.When I asked if I could go to the conversion camp, they said yes as long as I kept up on school work. They told me how proud they were of me to be acting so mature about my condition, and they gave me another gold star to put on my wall (I put them in the shape of a crucifix!). They helped me find a cute little camp near in Alabama (their exact location is meant to be secret unless you’re enrolled so sorry). It was there that I was able to regain my true self. I know that there are many kids that are going through the same hatred I went through before my conversion therapy, so I wrote this letter to show them that going to a conversion camp will be the best decision of their life.

At the conversion camp, I learned that the process is actually called “sexual re-orientation”. I LOVE that phrase; it just sounds so adult!

On day one, the leaders of the camp put us in dark, cold closets and left us their for a few hours. This was to show us how horrible life in the closet can be, therefore it is so important to choose to remain straight in order to never be in the closet. I found that activity to be quite moving. At some point (I lost track of the days with all the fun I was having), they had us go in a dark room and made us watch videos. These weren’t just any videos; they said these videos were to educate us on the heterosexual experience. The videos showed everything I ever I could ever wish for. It showed conformity at its finest, and I know for a fact that conformity equals safety. We weren’t allowed to look away which confused me, because why would anyone want to look away? The only thing better than watching it is living it, and I now get to do that thanks to this whole process.

Again, I’ve found this whole thing to be incredibly rewarding. I hope whoever is reading this can help these kids. These conversion camps are something like a dying art form, but they really help. That’s all I have to say but remember, it’s never too late to choose straight.

In a preschool in New Jersey, teachers and parents force their students to play outside without any electronics. This tragedy is outrageous and completely baffling to our whole society. All should pity the parents and teachers who encourage such an attitude. There is a right way and a wrong way to parenting and let me tell you this, that is not the correct way. Follow these simple guidelines and I guarantee that your child will be the healthiest, happiest and most socially advanced child there is on the entire planet and galaxy:

Guideline #1: From the second your child is born, you must already have an Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube account with a large following of at least one-thousand.

Guideline #2: 9,999 out of 10,000 children who don’t have a pressured childhood to be perfect are statistically shown to have a higher rate of strokes as they get older. In order to prevent the illness of your child in the future continue following these guidelines.

Guideline #3: As newborns, each baby should be placed onto a strict diet with pills and be taught how to throw up their food to stay skinny. As well they should have appointments with a nutritionist in order to ensure that their body slims and muscle definition is shown.

Guideline #4: By the time your child is at the age to go to preschool, a resume should be developed about the experiences they have had and the things they have had to overcome in order to be the person he is today. An example of a good phrase to say for your toddler on their resume could be, “a strong willed individual with a passion to explore and understand the world’s hidden secrets and our universe’s undiscovered life”.

Guideline #5: On this resume that all parents should form, be sure to include the sports and hobbies that they are successful in. As well, make sure to include all endeavors. Your child should have no problem reaching their dreams due to following these guidelines. In result they should have so many connections and have the most followers on social media that it should be a swift plead in order to get what they wants.

Guideline #6: As your child matures into elementary school, they should never place focus on one sport or hobby, but instead join every club in the school, be on every sports team, and take lessons for at least two instruments. These pressures to be involved in many different organizations will create a foundation of stress that is a necessity for every child to have at this age. Creating that layer of stress will further benefit their success rate as they move onto college and beyond.

Guideline #7: With the smartphone that your child has had since they were able to open their eyes after birth, assure that they are checking their social medias every ten minutes and constantly engaging with followers. On these accounts, assure your child is posting sexual images of themselves or images with them abusing drugs and alcohol. This will result in many prestigious universities across the nation to be intrigued by their bold and courageous personality.

Guideline #8: In middle school especially, there will be temptations for your child to go outside every once and awhile without technology, but you must be firm in your parenting techniques and make sure to never let them go without their phone.

Guideline #9: Before going through puberty, about the age of five, expose your child to the basic knowledge of sexual relations and the pornography industry. If your child gains this understanding, they will have a 200% success rate in the field of pornography by becoming a director or starting their own business. Exposing your children to pornography at this young age is only healthy and proper for the accurate knowledge and comprehension of the human body.

So let me guarantee one thing to you, if you follow these rules, your children will live a long, happy life.

It is with brief sorrow that I mention the recent death of my dear acquaintance, Robert Washington. Robert – an African American man like myself- was driving to the grocery store, when he was suddenly pulled over by the police for speeding. When asked for his license and registration, Robert reached for his pocket and was immediately killed by Officer Jack Reynolds. Officer Reynolds faced charges for shooting Robert, and was laid off from the CMPD. Officer Reynolds is a compassionate and kind man, with a loving wife and 3 beautiful children. The consequences he faced were completely unreasonable and unfair, considering he has a family to support and a reputation in the police force.

The recent issue of white police brutality against innocent unarmed black people has been one filled with controversy in America. While I marginally grieve for my dear friend Robert, he and other black victims of police brutality must take the blame for their own ignorance of the situation. Robert, as a black man, should have known that he was a target for police, and yet he made it look like he was reaching for a weapon. Officer Reynolds had every right to shoot him out of self defense. To this, I have made a proposition.

My fellow African-Americans: we must learn to take responsibility of our own actions and not get ourselves into anymore trouble. It is our own faults for being born with this dark skin color. We are at fault for being vulnerable to the targeting of the black community. We have always been at fault throughout the history of America, and we must take the blame. We mustn’t blame the hard working police officers who train for years to achieve such great success. There are only two solutions that may alleviate the issue of black deaths in the community and the wrong sentencing of police officers.

The first is for all of us to stay home. We must lock ourselves, our children, our friends, and our relatives inside our houses. We must never come in contact with the rest of society, especially the white folk. It doesn’t matter if we are innocent, we’re going to get into trouble anyway because we’re black. We must know by now that all black folk are lazy criminals and delinquents who steal, rape, murder, and participate in gang activity. It truly is our fault. We are no longer fit to associate with American society and we must resort back to our segregated ways.

The most efficient solution involves complete compliance by every African American in this society. We must bleach our dark skin and take lessons on how to become Caucasian. We can receive government funding for medical bleaching and for Caucasian education. We must rid ourselves of our blackened skin, which symbolizes the darkness and the evil that sprouts from the African-American culture. The Catholic Diocese of Charlotte has agreed to begin Bleaching Baptisms for newly born African American children. If this is approved by the government, my wife and I, who are expecting our first child, will immediately bring him to church to be bleached. The only reason why we are targeted is because we are dark, so we must expose ourselves to the light that is the Caucasian culture. We must abandoned our disgraceful culture of violent rap music, exposing clothing, and improper english. We must stop looking up to these false idols such as Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X, in which we shouldn’t be chanting “Black Lives Matter” or fighting for our rights, because All Lives Matter and we are the only ones at fault.

Before Procedure After Procedure

Nowadays, every African American yells “f**k the police!” and other hateful things, while cops are the good guys. White police officers shouldn’t be convicted when they kill innocent black people, because are we really ever actually innocent? The enforcement of body cams by sheriffs on officers shows the lack of distrust within the police department, and police officers should always be trusted.