Saturday, December 3, 2016

Two Peas in a Pod (Well... one is a Snow Pea): Enneagram Four & Five in Relationship

My wife is an Enneagram Five and I'm a Four. Could
you give some relationship growth tips or write a scenario? We know
several 4-5 couples; they seem to be complementary. My wife is an
ISTP on the
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and I'mENFJ.

I
agree that
Four/Five is often a
complementary pairing. I've seen this with friends and with business
clients. Both like to "go inside," though as pointed out by Helen Palmer (The
Enneagram in Love and Work) and Michael Goldberg (The 9 Ways of Working),
the Four's retreat is emotional while the Five's is intellectual. This
pairing's comfort with each other is
also affected by
MBTI preferences. A key MBTI factor for the Four/Five pairing is whether
each is extroverted or introverted. I say this because Fours and Fives are
both "withdrawing" styles, and in this
way are more similar than complementary. Friends who want to spend time with them as a couple may not think
it's such a great combination, because Four/Fives tend to withdraw together and away from
others, especially under stress, and this becomes exaggerated when they're
both
introverts.

So when the Four is extroverted, this will mitigate somewhat against
the couple's dual tendency to withdraw (it's even
possible the Five would be extroverted,
though that's rare). When this couple
does withdraw, they typically don't see it
as a problem. My friends (he's a Four–INFJ, she's a Five–INTP) love nothing better than to sit at home on Saturday night
with a good bottle of wine and a roaring fireplace; and it's hard to cajole them
into doing anything else. The Four wants to nurse any outstanding wounds left over
from the week, and the Five needs a break from interaction with others
during the week.
In terms of development, EnneagramFours benefit from working toward their
ideals and
not being "bummed out" by their
or others' feelings. Style Fives, being dispassionate observers, can be a good
model for this and a good source of advice for Fours. Fives need to place more
value on feelings and
share their own feelings more
generously, which they can learn from their Four partners. Probably the biggest area of mutual growth for this pair has to do
with negotiating boundaries. No matter how much they may be a fortress for each
other against the stresses of the world, style Four will typically want more attention and
interaction than style Five easily gives. It's maturing for Fours to need
less
interaction and for Fives to give more, so as they accommodate each other
they simultaneously develop themselves.

As an aside, if blame is going to occur
it will often come from style Four suggesting style
Five is somehow deficient. The relationship will be healthier if Fours accept it's easier to
pull back than it is to move out. I once suggested the metaphor of a giant sea snail
to a style Five client, who could easily see herself ducking back into her shell when emotions
were heightened.

FIRO-B is a helpful
measure of
needs for inclusion and affection (this instrument also measures control needs). The inclusion measure determines the extent of contact an
individual seeks and wishes from others; the affection
measure determines the
amount of closeness a person seeks and wishes from others. If you've
been
together for a while, you've probably already figured this out in
practical terms. But I'd encourage you to check out your assumptions.

A Four in therapy said, "Our efforts last
week were a failure. He agreed to show me more appreciation, but it didn't
happen!" Her Five partner responded, "But I did! I praised you to our
daughter and you were standing right there!" So, when asking for
something from the other, make sure you define your needs clearly in
behavioral terms ("video-speak," what would it look like if
someone saw you?). Then, appreciate each other for
incremental steps in the desired direction.

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Transform Your Relationships

Think of three painful relation- ship situations where one of your characteristic Enneagram patterns played out. Run through each mentally from beginning to end. What do the three have in common?

In writing: (1) Describe these situations, their consequences for you, and your responsibility for each. (2) Identify the mechanism that keeps these situations alive for you, that hasn't let you forget or forgive. What's the pay-off in the present? (Examples: illusion of control, feeling a charge from the anger, not having to face your own fear of intimacy, etc.)