The Doctor suggests Mars as a destination. Suddenly the TARDIS lurches.

Me: Oop

There’s a wobble. The TARDIS, out of control, undulates itself into the opening credits, and we’re off.

Me: I don’t mind those recaps.

Him: No, they’re good aren’t they?

Suddenly, Frazer Hines takes the narrating baton from Anneke Wills, so to speak.

Me: Oh. There we are.

Our heroes are flapping around the TARDIS as it crashes a landing. The scanner shows a cratery surface. The Doctor’s sure there must’ve been a reason for the juddery shenanigans but Polly’s not bothered. She doesn’t even think it’s Cornwall this time.

Polly: You’ve landed the TARDIS exactly where you said you would.

Him: It could be anywhere on Mars.

Me: It might not even be on Mars.

Him: Exactly.

Me: I love that music cue.

It’s not Mars. It’s the Moon. Jamie takes this news better than you might expect.

Everyone, except the Doctor, is rather excited. Grumpily, the Doctor says they can have a half-hour of shore-leave once they’re all suited up.

Our heroes emerge from the TARDIS and start bouncing. Polly spots something in the distance and the music goes sinister. By the time everyone else looks, whatever it was has gone. Polly tries some jumping to cheer herself up, whether it works or not is another matter, but Frazer’s obviously enjoying himself.

Me: Shame about the comedy jumping noise. Especially as Innes Lloyd used these shots to advertise what the series was capable of.

Him: There shouldn’t be any sound.

Everyone else joins in with the hopping until Jamie vanishes over a rim. He comes to rest next to a large base on the moon, a “Moonbase” if you will. It doesn’t seem to be under siege yet.

Two people emerge from the Moonbase and steal Jamie. Our heroes follow on to ask for their pal back. After banging on the airlock for a bit, it opens and they enter. Frazer reveals that the base is a weather control centre where a-

Frazer Hines: -small team of scientists govern weather patterns on the Earth using an immensely powerful gravity device called the Gravitron.

Someone collapses and Cutler – sorry, Hobson, jumps up. His assistant, Benoit (who’s French), doesn’t like the look of the map of the Amazon forming on the fallen fellow’s face. Even though the Moonbase’s doctor also looks like an ordnance survey, the decision is taken to add to the numbers of the sick-bay. Exposition occurs. At some length. Hobson asks Nils to phone Earth and tell them what’s happening.

Nils: Okay, Nobby.

Me: I'm sure that a lot of people believe that Nils said 'Hobby' there.

The Doctor, Ben and Polly are shown in and mistaken for expected arrivals from Earth. Well, they’ve got form. Hobson uses this as a heaven-sent opportunity to gush exposition everywhere.

Polly asks to see Jamie, Benoit leaps on the opportunity to escort her and Hobson introduces the gang to our heroes. The Doctor surmises that the Gravitron was responsible for the TARDIS’ bumpy landing. The Doctor guesses they’ve landed in 2050; he’s stillnot licking things at this stage.

Hobson: We’ve got a proper Rip Van-Winkle here.

Chorus: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Hobson: It’s 2070, in case you’d like to know.

Me: I’ve noticed that we aren’t saying much.

Reply came there none.

Me: The production team hadn’t really expected Jamie to be a companion at the scripting stage for this, so don’t be surprised if he keeps knocking himself out.

Him: Were they trying to kill him?

Me: No, just minimise the amount of rewriting.

Him: Were they only going to write it for Ben and Polly?

Me: Well, it had already been written.

Him: And Jamie was just added in?

Me: Aye.

Hobson delivers a long and rambling introduction to everyone – there’s a sudden burst of Wotan and another facial tributary illustration occurs and a technician collapses. As a result, Earth phone up to complain that a hurricane’s just changed course and started picking a fight with Hawaii.

Him: Everything’s threatening Hawaii.

Benoit raises the point that it seems all transmissions are being monitored by someone. Somewhere, a musician drops a saw.

Me: That’s pretty cool.

The scene shifts to where the monitoring’s happening. A shape shifts.

Me: What’s that?

Him: Couldn’t be a Cyberman.

Back on the Moonbase. Earth declares a quarantine of the Moon, which wouldn’t be that hard to enforce, come to think of it. The Doctor and Ben are taken to the sick bay by Bob, who, disappointingly, doesn’t appear to be a Kate.

Polly: Some legend of his clan. As far as I can make out, this piper appears to a McCrimmon just before he dies.

Me: “And do you hear me call?”1

Him: Ah.

Me: When I was little, I read the Target novelisation of this a lot.

Him:Doctor Who and the Cybermen?

Me: That’s the one.

Him: Not at all giving away the villain…

Me: Yeah, but that was the book at least. It’s not like every blinking Dalek story being called ‘Something of the Daleks’ and having the fact that it’s Daleks as the cliff-hanger at the end of every first episode. Having said that, this was going to be called The Return of the Cybermen.

The Doctor’s extremely concerned about Jamie. Whether or not the piper’s real is neither here nor there as Jamie believes in him. Sympathetic magic's a wunnerful thing.

Me: Nice touch. Troughton’s brilliant. I really had no idea.

Our heroes check the bodies of the infected men. Evans, the base’s doctor went down first and his plan of the Thames has stretched all the way to his hands. The Doctor can’t quite make sense of what’s going on as the whole situation seems a bit... manufactured.

Ben is sent off to the control room to help.

In the control room, Hobson’s dumping info all over the shop. It seems there’ve been drops in air pressure again, it's all very strange.

Ben is sent to pick some supplies up from Ralph.

In the food store, Ralph is loading boxes onto shelves. Sugar leaks from a bag. There’s a noise. Ralph spins round, but it's only Ben. A shadow falls across the door…

Me: Whoah!

There’s a crackle of energy and Ralph collapses. His body is dragged off. Ben, naturally, misses the whole thing.

Back in the sick bay, the Doctor and Polly discuss some silver paper the Doctor’s found. The lights dim a little and the Doctor delivers a brief biology lecture, which is rudely interrupted by Evans.

Evans: AAAARGH!

The Doctor and Polly rush to his side.

Evans: NO! THE SILVER HAND!! AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

He dies.

Ben has told Hobson that Ralph’s not about. The Doctor turns up and relates the sad, and loud, passing of Evans.

Me: This is really good.

Back in the sick bay, Polly’s giving Jamie water. Over her shoulder, Jamie sees a shadow and faints. Polly turns and screams at a closing door. The Doctor, Hobson and everyone else arrive. They rush to check the hallway, but it’s empty.

Evans’ bed is empty, which is baffling. Benoit rushes in to say that someone else has collapsed and the scientists dash off. The tension rises. The Doctor reassures Polly and follows them.

Jamie has become proper delirious. Polly leaves to get him some more water.

After Polly leaves, the door opens again and a figure comes in. Its shadow moves across the walls and up Jamie's bed where it slides to a stop on his face. It’s ace.

Iconic moment #149

Me: What do you think of their new look?

Him: He looks like he’s just won the lottery. The happiness in his eyes. The smile.

Jamie: It’s you! The phantom piper!

Me: It doesn’t look very Scottish.

The credits do what the credits do.

EPISODE TWO

Me: Victor Pemberton’s playing one of the background scientists. He went on to write Fury the Deep.2

Him: Ah. Fury the Deep.2

Me: And, one of the background Cybermen in Episodes Three and Four went on to play Sergeant Benton.

Him: Really?

Me: Yup. Via the London Underground.

Him: It all makes sense now.

Me: Eh?

We recap. Jamie’s still not happy. Luckily, the Cyberman takes someone else.

Me: No messing there.

Polly comes in, screams and drops Jamie’s drink and all of her dignity.

Me: That’s twice Polly’s done that.

The Doctor comes rushing in and asks Polly what she saw.

Polly: Well, I went out to get Jamie some water, and – and when I came back I saw this giant man or creature or something, going out of the door, carrying one of the patients like a doll.

Me: “What could it possibly be?”

Polly: I think it was a Cyberman.

Him: I wish they had replaced the Daleks.

Me: Well, that was the idea. The end of this season was supposed to be the very final appearance of the Daleks.

Him: Such a good idea. And they threw it away.

Me: Not really. America wasn’t that interested in a Dalek series.

Him: I wonder why.

Me: They certainly seem to like them now. Terry N had a commitment to his champagne jacuzzi and so our Skarosian chums were wheeled back to the Beeb, with their plunger-sticks between… No, that’s not going to work.

Anyway, back on the Moon, a most sensible question has been asked, namely: where exactly are all these men going? Ben’s confused, weren’t all the Cybermen destroyed when Mondas melted? Hobson’s getting fed up with all this blab about things that happened ages ago. He lapses into exposition again.

Me: “Ah, a recap for latecomers.”

Hobson concludes his speech and tells our chums to leave, to save themselves almost, but they can’t.3

Iconic moment #151

The Doctor: There are some corners of the universe which have bred the most terrible things. Things which act against everything that we believe in. They must be fought.

Hobson agrees to give the Doctor twenty-four hours to uncover exactly what’s happening. The Doctor and Polly discuss history.

As the Doctor is swabbing a patient’s tributary there’s a twitch and Polly gasps. The Doctor reiterates his intention to find the source of the outbreak.

Elsewhere in the base, the plot is oozing forward. Scientists talk about the Gravitron and how it doesn’t seem to be working properly.

Me: “Accents... denied.”

Him: That’s my line!

Me: “The horse says-“

Him: “’Doctorate denied!’”

Me: Hurrumble!

Hobson gets a row from Earth. The Gravitron can’t be turned off, no matter what the circumstances as to do so would make a right mess of the Earth. Which makes you wonder why they installed something so dangerous in the first place. Anyway…

Hobson orders a full Gravitron MOT. As the scientist busy and bustle, the Doctor comes in and begins some marvellous business, swabbing trousers.

Me: He’s seeing that many pipers, you’d think he was walking up Buchanan Street.

Ben goes to get more interferon, whatever that may be, and Polly leans over to check on Jamie. He’s in a bad way. She turns back and there’s a Cyberman standing silently behind her.

Me: Uuurmm… That’s really effective.

Him: “I/WON’T/IN/TER/RUPT/YOU”

Following this wonderfully unsettling moment, there’s a crackle and Polly’s down. No drinks are dropped this time, which is a shame as a hat-trick would’ve been nice. The Cyberman pauses long enough to zap Jamie before he grabs another patient and leaves.

Me: There’s a cyberkitchen out back.

Him: They’re not cooking them! Why doesn’t anyone just follow it and see where it’s going?

Me: Well, as we know, the Cybermen are masters of disguise, so it would be futile attempting to follow him. He’ll already have blended into the surroundings.

Hobson notices that there’s been another drop in pressure.

In the food store, the Cybermen tucks himself away in a hole he’s dug himself.

Me: Sneaky.

Back on the bridge and a problem's been traced - it turns out there are parts missing from the aerial. Vital parts. Hobson’s not happy about this and jumps to a conclusion.

Pouncing on a microscope, the Doctor diagnoses a neurotropic virus. It only attacks the nerves, drawing helpful lines on the skin of the afflicted to show where it’s been, hence the Danube manifestations. Unfortunately, this also means that:

The Doctor: It is the Cybermen. I believe they have deliberately infected the base.

Hobson blusters. It’s impossible. The whole of the base has been searched over and over again. There’s nowhere they could be hiding.

The Doctor looks worried. The Doctor looks very worried…

My notes for the next moment consist of:

Brilliant

Brilliant

Boots!

Cyberman!

-which I think is all you really need to know.

Me: Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

Him: Did you see him checking his watch to see if it was the end of his shift?

Credits manifest.

Him: I really wish that these had survived. That was awesome.

EPISODE THREE

It’s a long story, but we’re watching a different recon for this episode – this one’s courtesy of carmelleful.

Me: I’ve been impressed with johnnyfanboy, so I hope this is alright. Shall we?

Him: Yup.

We’re off. There’s a bit of a surprise that delights one of us more than the other.

The Cybermen recognise the Doctor, which is interesting. Chat breaks out. We’ve got to concentrate in order to work out what’s actually being said.

Him: I don’t like how they sound. They’re really difficult to understand.

Me: Yup.

The Cyberleader asks that Hobson show him the control area whilst everyone else hangs on to be converted.

Ben: I don’t like that word ‘converted’.

Me: “Reminds me of rugby.”

On the cybership, experiments are taking place. The control of the converted seems to be just peachy.

The Moonbase. Benoit can’t raise the surface party, which isn’t a surprise really as we saw them being pulped last episode.

Him: How come the Cybermen didn’t try and take over the base earlier?

Me: They hadn’t been rumbled then.

The Cybermen enter the control room and Hobson yells a warning.

Me: Whoah!

If fear dilates the pupils, then he’s going to need a really good dry cleaner.

The Cybermen reveal they’re after the Gravitron They plan to destroy the Earth… WITH WEATHER!

Me: I hope there’s more to their plan than vandalism on a grand scale. And… Why have they been sneaking around?

Him: That’s what I said.

Me: I know. Well – the Moonbase isn’t very well guarded, what with being on the Moon and all. Couldn’t the Cybermen have just bullied their way in rather than faff around giving everyone the flu first?

Hobson suggests that the Cybermen’re just after revenge.

Cyberleader: RE/VENGE/WHAT/IS/THAT

Me: Ah. You know… We’ve only got the Cybermen’s word for it that they don’t feel emotions.

Him: The Doctor says it at some point.

Me: Lots of people think Jane Austen was a good writer, doesn’t mean it’s true.4

I notice I didn’t put a link to the Rammstein song of the same name there. Oh, I did.

Back in the main room, reactors are aligning. Hobson wonders why the Cyberman can’t operate the controls themselves. This sets the Doctor thinking.

Me: That’s clever.

Him: What is?

Me: It’s a back-and-forth conversation the Doctor’s having with himself. Although, it’s hard to tell that’s what happening. The Doctor’s answering himself-

Him: Oh.

Me: -in his head. The replies were played into the studio over speakers.

Him: Right. You can’t tell that just from the sound.

Me: Hmm…

Earth control phones Moonbase to query what exactly’s going on. They suggest that a sodium rocket is fired if the phones’re down. Hobson reveals that if this doesn’t happen then a relief rocket will be sent, ostensibly to clear away the bodies.

Back in the sick bay, there’s more science afoot.

Me: “An experiment was carried out…”

Him: It’s not Look Around You.2

Me: It’s certainly not. Much more like an episode of Galaxy’s Angriest Monsters.

Ben: Not you, Polly. This is men’s work.

Polly ignores this (Hurrumble for Polly!) and follows the boys. They all prepare to use their one chance to squirt like mad. Bursting into the control room, our heroes spray a light cloud of deadly droplets onto the chests of the metal giants, who go up like a set of baking soda and vinegar volcanoes. God bless science, eh?

The converted men are removed and the Gravitron is lowered.

The remaining cybertroops on the cybership decide to break open the cyberweapons and assault the Moonbase.

Benoit offers to go out and have a look for Franz and Jules. It doesn’t take long for him to find their empty suits next to the scarecrow. The Cybermen appear, but their guns don’t work in a vacuum - you'd think they’d have looked into efficiency in space at the beta testing stage. Benoit tries to hop to safety.

Me: I think this is a chase.

Him: Looks more like a love scene.

Ben heads out to help Benoit, throwing a cocktail of some sort. It doesn’t look like a Molotov.

Him: Killed them with whisky.

Hobson: I don’t know how many more of these Cybermen there are, but from our point of view, we’re under siege.

Me: And the Base Age has truly begun.

The cybership is finally spotted, but that’s not the end of the bad news for our plucky human friends.

Me: Here they come.

The Cybermen march, like penguins, across the dead, yet surprisingly springy, surface of the moon…

Me: That’s pretty good.

Him: I prefer it when it moves. What’s the one after this?

Me:The Macra Terror.

Him: And then it’s The Faceless Ones.

Me: Yup. And then it’s The Evil of the Daleks.

The credits! They came from! Be-

EPISODE FOUR

Me: It’s a bit of a treat to have a final episode existing.

Him: Yeah.

We recap. There’s serious baseward cyberstriding going on.

Iconic moment #153

Me: Oh yes.

Him: “YOUR/BASE/ARE/BE/LONG/TO/US”

Iconic moment #154

The Cybermen jam the Moonbase transmissions with cyberstatic. On the Moon’s surface, trouble’s brewing.

Me: They’re worshipping the scarecrow.

The Doctor: Everything’s got a weak point. It’s just a question of waiting till it shows up, that’s all.

Him: Except the Vashta Nerada.

Me: Sunlight? Torches?

Him: No, remember? The Doctor said: ‘Daleks: aim for the eyestalk. Sontarans: back of the neck. Vashta Nerda? Run. Just run.'

Me: Yeah. He also described the Cybermen as emotionless.5

The humans flap and wait while the Cybermen scheme.

Meanwhile, Earth has dispatched a rocket, it’ll land in fifteen minutes.

Evans is reawakened and remote-controlled. A chap called Becket gets it in the back of the head – like he’s a Sontaran.

Me: Oh – ow!

The Cybermen offer instructions to Evans.

Elsewhere, Polly’s been ‘useful’.

Him: Aaaaargh! It’s so stereotypical!

In all the excitement, Evans exhibits a masterclass of sneaking, and makes his way into the Gravitron booth.

Him: How has no-one noticed him?

Me: That’s an excellent question.

The converted Evans is a bit handy and there’s another wallop.

Me: Oo! I felt that.

The relief ship blips into view, and then changes course and flies straight into the sun. Seeing as this could only have happened if someone under cybercontrol was operating the Gravitron... Our heroes take a quick peek through the glass and - Oh no! It’s not Benson!

The Doctor sends Ben and Jamie to the medical room to make sure that the other victims aren’t up and about. They are. Our chums, rather enthusiastically it has to be said, ram the door shut using a stuntman and a table.

Me: Ow! Again.

Back on the bridge the situation’s not really improved. It’s starting to look like Europe’ll be in the same state as Atlantis before teatime.

Through the static comes something that you might confuse for gloating, if you didn’t know better.

Hobson: We’re not done yet, and we’ll fight you to the last man. You’ll never get into this base.

Cyberleader: WE/ARE/IN/IT/AL/READY

Me: That’s pretty good too.

The Cybermen puncture the dome and all the air tries to escape. Hobson and Benoit manage to seal the hole with a tray. Polly’s collapsed. Following the excitement, it’s all very quiet. The Gravitron’s stopped.

Evans has passed out and so is removed from the Gravitron control room.

The Doctor and Hobson start to weigh up plans when it all goes even more wronger and reinforcement cyberships start to land in all their terrible glory.

Me: Umm…

Him: Strings?

Me: Would you believe that it’s a visual warpage of space-time through futuristic cyberdrives?

Pause.

Him: Strings?

Me: Yeah. They’re plates on strings.

On the surface, the Cybermen have cracked open a big cardboard box. They start to take something out, which causes panic on the base.

The Cyberleader takes this opportunity to offer some impartial cyberadvice.