Learn. Explore your way of being. Bring action, joy, peace, and playfulness into your life.

It seems paradoxical, but I have
discovered that true connection begins inside me, not by reaching out. As I allow myself to drop deep within
my being, the layers of protection and defense fall away, and I am more open to
connecting – with myself, with Spirit, and with others. Connection is not about "doing
something" with other people; it is about "being" – being
present, being compassionate, being authentic.

Years of
psychological research indicate that social support is the one variable that
impacts our health and happiness the most. When we feel connected to others, we feel more
complete. We heal faster from
illness or injury, we perform better in our jobs, and experience more
satisfaction. Connection and
community are powerful in creating a context for our lives.

When I started out in
life, I felt alone and different from others. I was the youngest child by so many years that it felt like
being an only child. In my
childhood I spent a lot of time alone; I found friends in books and music. There were "I'm not good
enough" stories in my head that kept me from making easy connections with
other people. In my thirties, two
experiences changed my thoughts about community; joining a women's spiritual
exploration group and taking a personal growth workshop. Now I've participated in the women's group for
16 years and I'm teaching that same personal growth workshop. I've learned the benefits of community
and the skills of nurturing connections.

Being in loving &
learning communities has revolutionized my life. I'm still introverted and enjoy my alone time, but as part of
a larger community I feel whole and supported and loved by many. This is an amazing way to live. It is part of my life's work to help
other people find that sense of love & connection that is so healing.

Several years ago,
when I was going through a tough time, I spoke up in a seminar and said that I
wanted more joy in my life. The
coach, Denise Palmisano, replied that if I wanted joy, I needed to cultivate gratitude. She said to me, "Janet, gratitude
is the road to joy." That
interaction changed my life in a profound way. I began a gratitude practice every evening at the end of my
day. In a journal I wrote 5
things for which I was grateful.
At first it was difficult to find things to appreciate, and I found
myself being thankful over and over for the food on the table or the roof over
my head. As time went on, it
became easier and sweeter to notice all the wonderful people, things, and
actions around me. Sweeter still,
each time I connected with gratitude, I could find joy right behind it.

Gratitude has become
an important part of my life, an aspect of my personality. I love the feeling of it in my body.
Gratitude feels like the sun shining down on me – warm, loving, nourishing,
life-giving. It wells up inside my
heart, like an overflowing fountain.
It is more than giving thanks.
It is an appreciation of the beauty of the planet, an openness to seeing
the contributions of others, a willingness to give credit, an awareness that I
am never alone.

Gratitude, along with
the willingness to let others in, is the antidote to overwhelm. When I am in overwhelm, I am thinking
something like "I have all this to do, and I can't do it all myself." When I stop to appreciate what others
are doing, or I create an opportunity to someone else to contribute and then I
appreciate that contribution, I reduce that feeling of overwhelm.

Because gratitude
begins as a conscious awareness, a thought, or a statement, it is a choice that
I can make which produces immediate results in my mood, my outlook, my
possibilities, and my actions.
When I use Reiki energy, the best way for me to access it is to
experience gratitude; this opens up the pathway for the Reiki energy to flow
through me. Gratitude makes me
smile, and smiling makes everything better.

Perfectionism can hold us back from what we want. We want to be successful, to have good working relationships, to accomplish our goals, and to feel good about ourselves. It may seem paradoxical, but it is often the case that when we are perfectionistic, we get less done. Alternately, we might get a lot of tasks completed, but we suffer a lot while doing them. How can we step back from perfectionism, while becoming more effective and more peaceful at the same time?Let's look at seven conditions of perfectionism. Say for example that you're scheduled to present a report of your recent work to your immediate supervisor. The Perfectionistic Way of Being looks like this:

1. The goal of perfectionism is… absolute perfection! The report must be one hundred percent accurate and complete. Right? Wait a minute; that might not be good enough. If you are striving for perfection, the report might also need to be wonderful or astounding. Your presentation might need to knock their socks off. Usually with perfectionism, one hundred percent is not enough.2. Perfectionism requires people to work in a compulsive way. The report has to be perfect and it needs to look perfect. The paper it's printed on; shouldn't that be whiter? What about the font? Do you spend half an hour trying all the different fonts to find the "right" one? And what are you going to wear for the presentation? All the details that must be perfect require a certain anxious attention. In addition, trying to have a presentation be perfect for someone else assumes that we can his or her mind, thus adding another level of worry.3. The work can never be complete. There is always another detail or another angle that can be improved. The work can never be good enough, never perfect. This leads to a sense that the task is not complete or that you are presenting an incomplete presentation. I've known perfectionists who work long into the night on details that will never be noticed, because they weren't quite good enough.4. Those who strive for perfection often feel frustrated, depleted, or disappointed. Because it can never be good enough, because it can never be complete, the goal can never be fully met. Holding an unattainable goal like perfection automatically leads to feelings of frustration or letdown. Working compulsively can lead to exhaustion.

5. Perfectionism makes other people feel judged or wrong. Have you ever noticed that other people sometimes have their own opinions about what will look good or be "right"? The goal of perfection leaves little room for differences of opinion or experience. There is only one "right" way (the "perfect" way). Perfectionism is not very good for relationships.6. Striving for perfection leads to a mood of resentment. Over time, those who have perfection as a goal tend to be chronically anxious and disappointed, frustrated with others, and frustrated with themselves.

7. Low self-esteem and a sense of failure go hand-in-hand with the goal of perfection. Those who strive for perfection tend to assess past experiences as failures ("yes, I passed the exam, but I could have done better"). These self-evaluations of failure can develop into an overall belief of yourself as "a failure," even when other people might see you as a success.

If you've been stuck in a perfectionistic way of being, what can you do? Let's see what might happen if you chose a different goal. Rather than perfection, try choosing the goal of "excellence."

The Excellence Way of Being looks like this:

1. The goal of excellence requires that the results of your work meet the conditions of satisfaction for this specific task. What is necessary to complete the report, to satisfy the requirements of the job? 2. Excellence requires working in a committed way. In this way of thinking, your commitment is to completing the report, presentation, or other task, to fulfill the need of your organization for this information. You are committed to your organization and its functioning, rather than to perfection of some specific report.3. Once you have fulfilled the requirements of the task, you can declare it complete. It will not be necessary to make it the best report known to man. It is more effective to finish the job on time, with a minimum of suffering, than to make it a much bigger project than it truly needs to be.4. Those who strive for excellence often feel satisfied, energized, and fulfilled. It feels great to accomplish your goals. When your goals are reasonable, measurable, and attainable, you get to accomplish more of them.5. When you're striving for excellence, you value honest feedback. You want to keep the commitment you made; that's your goal. Feedback can help you get there, and you can be appreciative of the input of others.6. Striving for excellence leads to a mood of energetic innovation. Since the goal is to "make it work," those who go after excellence tend to succeed. They know that if the task is not working, they can make adjustments or renegotiate. They develop creativity and flexibility.7. Dignity and self-respect go hand-in-hand with excellence. When you're striving for excellence, you get to collect successful experiences, assess yourself as someone who gets things done, and enjoy mutually fulfilling relationships with colleagues.Shift your thinking from a goal of perfection to a goal of excellence, and you will find life getting a lot easier and more effective.

Here in Iowa City, the flood waters have receded, leaving mud & mountains of debris in many homes and businesses. I'm fortunate to live on a forested hillside, one mile from the Iowa River, safe from flooding. Several of my friends, however, have lost their homes completely; others have lost income and livelihood. My favorite restaurant, Exotic India, was flooded; no word on whether it will survive to be rebuilt. Beautiful City Park is now a wasteland.

Life here, so idyllic in the summer, has changed, taken on a darker cast. We are living in a shadow time, that time of crisis that is the intersection of growth and opportunity. For myself, I am choosing to observe, to notice what's going on with me, to listen to my body, to keep breathing. Also I am choosing to serve, to be present with my friends and with my clients, bringing as much compassion as I can.

We all get to choose our path at any one time. Times like these just seem more pronounced, more crucial than others.

Does self-doubt get in your way? Worries about our own abilities can limit our experience of joy in daily life. These worries make it more likely that we will engage in procrastination. Even though I have a Ph.D. and have had a thriving business as a coach, workshop leader, psychotherapist, and (formerly) neuropsychologist, I sometimes find myself thinking I have nothing to offer. It's almost a default position to which my mind reverts: I have no ideas, I have nothing new to share, why would anyone want to hear from me?Self-doubt shows up in almost everyone, regardless of accomplishment. I see this experience showing up for my clients as well. An accomplished dancer & choreographer worries that she has run out of inspiration, that she doesn't "have it" anymore. A college professor fears that she'll stand in front of her class and not be able to say a word. A student with good grades feels that the next exam will be a failure.

Strangely, even when the evidence demonstrates our competence, we sometimes experience a loss of confidence in our abilities. You may have noticed that one of the first responses we have is to get down on ourselves. I find myself getting mad at myself for feeling self-doubt. This begins a downward spiral into an entire conversation about how "pathetic" I can be.

There are certain concerns that routinely show up as self-doubt. One such concern is lack of confidence. Self-doubt is often an inner conversation about a lack of confidence in our ability to complete some task or carry out some action. Sometimes it is helpful to specify just where the self-doubt originates.Confidence is an assessment that we are competent at doing whatever it is we have committed to do. If you are feeling confident about a presentation you're giving, it is almost always because you assess that you are competent at providing the information. Conversely, a lack of confidence in some area suggests that you are assessing yourself as not quite competent to complete the task.

The primary way to develop a sense of confidence is to confirm your competence in that specific area. For example, let's say you lack confidence about entertaining other people in your home. As you look at what entertaining involves, ask yourself whether you are competent to perform each task. Entertaining might include sending out invitations, planning a party, cleaning the house, choosing decorations, preparing food, interacting with guests, and providing activities as needed.

With which elements are you comfortable, and which ones seem difficult? For me, the most difficult part would be planning and preparing the food. The social elements would be enjoyable and fun. For some other people, the cooking might be the easy part and the interacting would be more problematic. When you find the specific elements that seem more difficult, ask the question: how can I become more competent in this area? Or alternately, who can help me to succeed at this specific task?Your community increases your competence. You actually don't have to be accomplished at every task to feel confident about your abilities. One of the reasons we build supportive communities is to pool our resources and our talents. If I feel doubtful about my ability to create yummy appetizers for my party, I can either learn how to make a few dishes or I can request help from a friend. I can ask my friend to work with me to make food, or I can ask him to make the food while I attend to another aspect of the party. Other options, of course, are to buy food already prepared or to hire a caterer. Any one of these options allows you to feel competent.Competence is an assessment of your ability level in a set of skills that allows certain actions to be performed. The great thing about competence is, because it refers to a set of skills, it can always be improved. I can learn the skills to become competent (and therefore confident) in any area, if I am committed to do so.

Competence also includes the ability to delegate, be coached, or seek assistance. If I do not have the skills of financial planning, I can choose to go to school and be trained in it, or I can hire the services of a financial planner. Either action is evidence that I am taking care of my financial needs, and that is evidence of competence.

Whether I make food, invite a friend to make food, buy it at the grocery store, or hire a caterer, I am competent at providing food for my party. Whether I learn financial planning on my own, seek information on the Internet, or hire a personal advisor, I am competent at taking care of my financial planning needs. Acknowledging my competence allows me to feel confident. Feeling confident eliminates self-doubt. When you are experiencing self-doubt, use this formula:• Identify the specific area in which the self-doubt has arisen.• List all the tasks or requirements in that area.• Evaluate your level of competence at completing each task.• Learn a skill or improve your knowledge when you assess that you lack competence at a certain task.• Request help from your community of support.• Enlist the assistance of someone who already has those skills that you choose not to learn.• Reaffirm your competence in each task and/or your decision to utilize support as a way of taking care of the task.• Acknowledge your own competence and allow that acknowledgment to nourish your self-confidence.

When you think about experiencing joy in your life, what comes to mind? Does joy seem unattainable? Would you even dare to think about designing joyinto your life? I want you to know that joy is within your reach, even closer than you think.

What gets in your way?

When I asked my network, my friends & family, colleagues & clients, what gets in their way of experiencing joy, I was not surprised to hear that the number one problem mentioned was... procrastination. Yes, that's right. We put it off. We put off experiencing joy, because we're too busy putting off other important things in our lives. We put off what's important, and we feel guilty, and we suffer about it, and it becomes bigger and bigger. We start complaining about ourselves and trying to force ourselves to do better.

This becomes a downward spiral into low self-esteem. The pile of incomplete tasks gets higher and higher, while our happiness is somewhere underneath all those things we'd better do. Sound familiar?

I want you to know that there's a way out. And it might surprise you to hear that it does not involve self-discipline.

Wouldn't it be a relief to release the burdens of being overwhelmed? Wouldn't you like to suffer less and enjoy your time more? When my network told me that procrastination was their primary concern, I got to work and put together some of the things I've learned.

I've been there myself. Yes, I've procrastinated, I've also put things off, and in the past I've created mountains of incomplete tasks. There was a time when I was ashamed to invite others to my house, when I hid my procrastination like an awful secret about me.

I created a new life, and you can, too.

Years ago I decided to burst out of that secret and choose a new way of living. I studied methods of taking on new habits and created a different way of being for myself, and then I began teaching those new ways of being to others. Now I'm happy to share some of this knowledge and experience with you, at no cost whatsoever.

Here's how: If procrastination makes you suffer, I invite you to get some relief. Order my free e-course, 10 Steps to Redesigning Procrastination. Just fill in your name and email, and I will deliver this seven part e-course into your emailbox at no cost to you. Just so you know, I value your privacy and will never share your information.

And as a bonus, I'll also send you my e-zineDesigning Action & Joy. In every issue, Ioffer new possibilities for designing what you want in your life: more peace, more passion, more fulfillment, more creativity, and yes, more joy!

InDesigning Action & Joy, I'll help you solve some of your most persistent problems and rethink your most difficult dilemmas. (If at any time you no longer want to receive it, just unsubscribe; it's that easy.) We'll explore everyday concerns, like trust, intimacy, self-esteem, the influence of moods, and perfectionism, in a straightforward, clear, and playful way.

Looking forward to the conversation,

Janet Shepherd

**** With Janet’s insightful guidance and feedback, I learned how to lay
aside a few of my protective cloaks of loneliness, shyness, and
self-deprecation long enough to make room for more playfulness, joy,
and purpose. She taught me that choosing what I want is a big step
toward achieving it. I learned tools for increasing my self
awareness—expanding my consciousness of the various domains of my life
and for reaping the rewards of revealing more of myself to others. In
addition, I got a delicious taste of what it is like to be fully
present at this very moment. Gail McLure ****

**** Janet encourages learning and creates a safe environment for personal
growth and authenticity. She is a good listener, is wise, and
appropriately playful. We unhesitatingly recommend her seminars. Mary Kathryn & Doug Wallace ****

**** I have experienced Janet Shepherd as a thoughtful, insightful,
eloquent and compassionate coach. She is deeply committed to helping
people improve their lives. She teaches practical life skills in an
atmosphere of positive energy, kindness and good humor that makes
working with her a distinct pleasure. Janet has a gift for getting to
the heart of the matter and expressing herself in clear, easy to
understand language. In my sessions with her, she gave me specific
feedback which helped me to let go of some negative views I had of
myself. Janet's skilled coaching enabled me to shift into a new way
of being in which I now live a happier and more productive life, have
improved relationships, and like myself better. I recommend her most
highly. Jane Walker *****

Suffer less and enjoy your life a lot more!

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I will never share your information with anyone, for any reason.

Janet Shepherd, Ph.D.

Janet is a licensed psychologist who specializes in life design coaching and positive psychology. She has a background in neuropsychology and psycholinguistics, with more recent training in ontological coaching. A member of Jean Houston's Mystery School community, she has an abiding interest in metaphors, mythology, storying, and the power of language in creating the world around us. She teaches numerous seminars & workshops and works with groups & individuals.