As was conveniently established last episode, Jesse is a super shitty dancer, so he has to take lessons in order to perform in the upcoming music video for “Forever.” The guys at his record label come by the full house to teach him some moves, and also to play him the rap version of “Forever” that they’ll be using for the video. Jesse is dismayed by this news, but has little time to speak out about it before beginning a crash course in doing the running man.

Remember that dance? That shit was everywhere in the early 90’s. Even Stephanie and Aunt Becky were bustin’ it out!

Meanwhile, Michelle starts a lemonade stand so she can buy herself an ant farm. Also, Kimmie Gibbler says that she’s not going to be able to go to Spain with DJ for the Summer if she fails her Spanish class so DJ agrees to help her study.

Oh my god, how can I possibly describe the filming of the “Forever” music video? For once, Full House is being terrible on purpose. It features what the record label guy refers to as an “Arabian genie thing,” and yet somehow it is a rap video. So this is Full House’s rendition of a rap song, but it’s also a cover of a shitty Beach Boys song. To top it all off, the filming goes about as well as any given episode of Wake Up, San Francisco, and by that I of course mean that it’s a fucking disaster. Oh, also, there’s a break-down where everybody does, “the Jess-Man.”

After Jesse fucks up a whole bunch of choreography that wouldn’t have been that impressive even if he’d done it right, the director becomes exasperated and tells Jesse that he sucks. To be fair, Jesse was pretty upfront about how shitty he was going to be at dancing and it’s really their own fault for not listening. Anyway, Jesse decides that if he wants to make a terrible music video for his shitty rendition of a Beach Boys song that nobody even liked in the first place, he’s gonna do it on his own terms, so he tells the guys at the record label to go fuck themselves and storms off the set.

As DJ coaxes Kimmie Gibbler through a late-night Spanish tutorial, Kimmie Gibbler becomes exhausted and makes the request, “el sleepo, bego-o please-o,” which reminds me of a lot of other similar jokes about the Spanish language that have been sprinkled throughout the series. Why is saying “el” and then words in english with an “o” at the end of them supposed to be such a funny rendition of Spanish? At least they didn’t mention the fast food chain El Pollo Loco this time. Anyway, Danny knocks on the door because I guess he checks on DJ at midnight all the time and then the girls scramble to hide the fact that they’re up late studying even though that’s the squarest thing to cover up that I can even imagine. Kimmie Gibbler hides under DJ’s covers while DJ hides in the closet and then Danny comes in and wants to kiss and talk about studying. I don’t know, you guys. All this kissing in the full house is starting to get pretty unsettling. It’s bad enough to watch the Olsen Twins kiss John Stamos on the mouth fifty times every episode, but now we’ve got Danny coming into DJ’s room in the middle of the night and sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to score smooches. Deeply unsettling.

Anyway, Danny figures out that it’s Kimmie Gibbler hiding in DJ’s bed because of her stinky feet but then he doesn’t even really give a shit.

Michelle hustles enough lemonade stand money out of Joey to buy her stupid ant farm. Just then, Jesse and Becky come downstairs as Jesse makes a big statement about how he’s going to do the Arabian genie themed music video under the unlikely pretense that he actually gives a shit about providing for his wife and family. Michelle offers him her ant farm money so he can start his own record label and the audience members are all deeply touched. Jesse himself is so touched that he gives her a big kiss, right on the mouth.

The guy from the record label comes over and tries to make Jesse grovel to get his old deal back but then Jesse is inspired by Michelle’s ant farm money offer to make a false claim that he’s been offered a better deal. The record label guy, like all business professionals, is easily fooled by this flimsy ruse and jumps at the opportunity to accept any conditions Jesse presents. After the record label guy agrees to record the song and shoot the video however Jesse wants, Jesse celebrates by kissing Michelle on the mouth some more. I’m not even kidding.

Some time later, Kimmie Gibbler comes over to let everyone in the full house know that she passed her Spanish class so she’ll be going to Spain with DJ for the Summer after all. Jesse comes downstairs and summons everyone to the living room so they can see him on MTV. You see, kids, back in the early 90’s, MTV showed music videos all the time.

During his pre-recorded interview with Martha Quinn, Jesse rambles about how bad his gas gets when he’s nervous and then he gives shout-outs to everyone in the full house. He eventually pulls photos of his babies out of his wallet to ensure that this really is the worst tv interview of all time, even by Wake Up, San Francisco standards, but then something even worse happens. This is it, you guys. The music video for “Forever.”

HOLY. FUCK. How am I ever going to describe this video? First of all, it seems to be filmed at that same little house or church or whatever in the desert that like ten million early 90’s music videos were filmed in. You know, the one with all the candles inside? The video also uses many tropes that you may be familiar with, like tilted camera angles, abrupt zoom-ins, and some really sexy fade-aways.

So the video opens with Uncle Jesse waking up naked in a bed outside, then he jams on his guitar inside for a little while, then there’s this deeply troubling shot of his babies looking pretty upset.

Why would they use a shot where the babies looked so upset? It’s in slow motion, too! But I guess that even if they weren’t wearing such perturbed expressions, this abrupt shot of them floating in the sky after a bunch of sexy naked Uncle Jesse shots would be pretty confusing. Is it like, “this is what happens after you get naked in a bed with Uncle Jesse,”?

There’s really not a lot of variety in this video. There are a bunch of grainy black-and-white shots of Jesse being all casual on the set and then there’s an awful lot of footage of him holding those babies, often while naked and/or shooting sexy glances. I can’t think of a single other music video that fetishes being a new dad like this one does. There isn’t even one woman in the whole video. There is, however, an alluring shot of Jesse and the babies’ feet.

There are also some shots of the Beach Boys recording vocals in the studio with Jesse, some nice views of the choir, and a really great close up on one of the babies’ naked ass.

After the video’s over, Jesse says, “that was the greatest 2 and a half minutes I’ve ever experienced in my life,” and then Becky gets all pissed, which is a pretty revealing moment about their sex life if you ask me. I can’t say I’m surprised, though. Anyway, Jesse gives everyone in the full house a copy of his new cd and then, that’s it. I made it through Season 5! Holy shit, what a train wreck! See you guys next week for Season 5 reviewed, then it’s on to Season 6.

76 Responses to Season 5, Episode 26, “Captain Video-Part 2”

But I guess that even if they weren’t wearing such perturbed expressions, this abrupt shot of them floating in the sky after a bunch of sexy naked Uncle Jesse shots would be pretty confusing. Is it like, “this is what happens after you get naked in a bed with Uncle Jesse,”?

I am not a huge Whitney Houston fan, btw loved her rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy” on SNL, but the poor lady would be flipping in her grave when she hears Stephanie butcher “The Greatest Love.”. I could go on with my life without seeing 2 naked babies in a music video and all the kissing crosses the threshold from innocence to downright creepiness. I wouldn’t want a grown man constantly kissing my 5 year old daughter on the mouth like that if I had a kid. Kiss Michelle on the forehead and hug her instead of the copious kissing! No wonder Becky was jealous!

“the girls scramble to hide the fact that they’re up late studying even though that’s the squarest thing to cover up that I can even imagine”

I always wondered why they went to great lengths to try to cover this up. In a later season, they do the same thing to cover up the fact that Kimmy is drunk but studying late, even at Full House standards, thats pretty lame.

i’m gonna have to agree with you there. i’d actually never seen this episode before but by the time i had, i’d already read descriptions of every detail in the comments section. it was the first time i felt like i was kind of going through the motions, or writing what people expected me to. it’s cool that it was so anticipated and everything but, yeah, i don’t think it’s great for the blog when people describe stuff that’s coming up. sometimes people go, “oh, this episode! that means next week’s the episode where blah blah blah.” again, i appreciate the enthusiasm, but it kinda throws my game off.

It’s funny, because I hadn’t seen that music video since I was a kid, but I kept seeing people reference it in the comments section, too, to the point where I was like, “I DON’T KNOW HOW I’LL SIT THROUGH IT, BUT I MUST WATCH IT AGAIN.” I watched the entire episode before reading your review of it and…was quite disappointed. It’s shitty, yeah, but it was more bearable for me to watch than the actual episode itself (which was the first time I’d watched any part of Full House–with dialogue, I mean, not a clip of dancing or something–in at least ten years).

VB, I greatly admire your honesty, especially in this FH-hatin’ venue! I’ll go out on a limb and say I really like the song too. My opinion of the video, however … I thought the video was the bomb when I was a kid, but alas, it has not aged well. The shot of the bare feet … ugh.

it’s hard to say. i feel like the “forever” music video was worse, but it was so built up by several seasons of terrible bullshit that it doesn’t really feel worse by comparison. both were the worst moment of their particular season, but season 5 is just SO much worse than whichever season the christmas episode took place in (season 2, i think).

It’s so true. The latter seasons are really gut-wrenchingly bad. When I was reading your recaps of Seasons 1-3 and hearing your angst, I felt bad inside for you, knowing that those were actually the HIGH points of this sad, sad show.

I’ve been looking forward to this post! SO funny, well done! God, that “Forever” video is terrible. I remembered this episode when it first aired and being kinda creeped out by it when I was little, but I had forgotten just how gloriously awful the video is. Anyway, this is my new favorite blog and I’ve told all my friends about it–thanks for watching this crappy show and making us laugh about it!

I’m loving Becky Dondaldson-Cochran-Katsopolis’s waist line in that screen cap of her dancing. I wish there were more screen caps of her hot body, like that one a while ago where she was kissing Jermsey or something and you could see her butt real well. Maybe they’ve completely marginalized her and you don’t get any opportunity for screen caps like that anymore.

“Anyway, Danny figures out that it’s Kimmie Gibbler hiding in DJ’s bed because of her stinky feet but then he doesn’t even really give a shit.”

I’m surprised he wasn’t concerned about some lesbian stuff going on under those covers.

I have to say, Jermsey’s video – either one, take your pick – is pretty awful and non-nonsensical. I was considering looking it up on youtube, but then, I don’t want to ruin my weekend.

I was going to comment on the baby peen, but then I wasn’t sure if it was really, or if it was artifacting from low def video that’s been paused, so I left it alone. Looking at it again, I’m voting for baby peen.

Def baby weiny And as far as Uncle Jesses camel ball Yes In a lot of the episodes u can actually see which side his Wang lays in his jeans. It happens ALL the time you really can’t help but notice its rather distracting You can never see Danny or Joeys bulge I wonder if they’re dressing Jesse like that on purpose Seriously I look for it now as I’m going thru the eps wit billys super blog No I’m not a prev I just hav attention to detail LOL

Ahhhh, yeah, this was worth it. I love how you just started the actual video section with the words “Holy fuck”. And you’re spot on with pointing out how cliche and early ’90s the video looks, too-even as a kid I noticed how similar it looked to other videos that were around at the time.

All I remembered from the video all these years were shots of Jesse holding the babies and sitting there in the bed all naked and whatnot. I forgot about the babies floating and the studio stuff. Oy. I’m debating which video would be worse-the final product or the original Arabian “Jess-man” video, had they gone with it (and now I think about how close we came as a country to having a dance called the “Jess-man” and I shudder).

almost pissed myself laughing at your critique of the music video and the miserable babies floating in the air and all the nakedness mentioned. You sure it’s OK to post a cap of a naked baby’s fanny on the internet? well done sir!

Hahahah that is a real music video! According to Jersey’s wiki: “In 1992, [Stamos] sang lead vocals on a new version of “Forever” for [the Beach Boys’] album Summer in Paradise…The song was also featured twice on Full House…The 1992 music video, titled “Forever by Jesse and the Rippers”, featured Stamos predominantly. Three of The Beach Boys members are however briefly shown singing harmonies with Stamos…”

I remember this shit vividly. I watched the full house growing up and I can remember the progression from enjoying it to being embarrassed by enjoying it to catching it occasionally. But this video was the moment that I officially said “Fuck this shit!” and left the full house in the rearview for good.

Before we chalk up the horror that was this video to being a product of time of poor taste, take a moment to reflect on the fact that even by the standards of the early 90’s, this stands out as being so mind-numbingly, sphincter-clenchingly bad that it may have been the singular moment that FHR fans have been anticipating some two decades later. Even by 90’s standards, this was some of the most insufferable bullshit to foul the screen.

And seriously, what the fuck is up with Uncle Herpes’ ego? If I was in his band I’d tell him to go fuck himself before I’d allow myself to be dragged into his self-aggrandizing attempt at family kiddie porn. And what’s more, for all the time that Jersey spends worrying about looking “uncool” he turns around and spews forth this steaming pile of horseshit that actually makes Joey’s woodchuck impression look like an exercise in taste and refinement.

I hereby declare that “making the Forever video” should replace “jumping the shark” in the pop culture lexicon.

Up to this point, I’ve remembered at least a single scene from all of the episodes, so this must have been around the time where I almost completely stopped watching and played Super Nintendo all night instead. There’s really only one more scene that I still remember and that would be the episode where DJ (or maybe Stephanie?) gets her ears pierced and then wraps her hair around her ears trying to hide if from Danny, saying something ridiculous shit about it being Star Wars week at school and she’s dressing as Princess Leia.

i like these kinds of comments because they are equally valid and ridiculous. yes, it is a waste of time to review all of full house. i can admit that. but what does it mean to “do something producting”? that makes no sense. also, it’s “Damn, you’re an ass!” YOU’RE!!! short for “you are.” if i ever get an outraged comment that is grammatically correct it will have a much greater effect.

My favorite part of the music player is the black congo/auxillary percussion player. In the church scenes he is jamming out way over the top with a huge shit-eating grin, and then, right around the 2 minute mark, he does this ridiculous comic walk with a HUGE smile while Jesse films.

Also, if anyone’s interested, I took FOREVER, layered it twelve times, and set the pitch of each track one half-step higher, so that you can hear the song in every pitch in an octave simultaneously. The effect is nightmarish and reveals a never before seen side of the song. You can check it out here:

Why has no one pointed out that Martha Quinn is here as herself, but she also played Joey and Jesse’s boss at the radio station? She was in at least two episodes! You’d think they would recognize her…

I also think even by 90s standards, people would call shenanigans on a rock star throwing pictures of his babies into the music video. That kind of self-indulgent crap is hard to take even when you have low standards.

(going by my comments, my reading of your blog may seem a big schizophrenic. I really just click randomly trying to get my fill without subjecting myself to too much Full House horror at one time. It’s a delicate highwire act. ;))

So I just tortured myself and watched the Forever music video. There are some things I would like to give my two cents on: first, the babies ruin this video. If they were going to use them then it should have been at the minimum and they should have made the video more about his devotion to his wife and family, not the butt-ugly potato sack twins. We could have seen more shots of Becky, let us say by the pool or in bed… just a thought. Second, I listened to the Beach Boys version and, like most things, the original is sooooo much better. Lastly, I find it humorous that Jesse and his big break had to be a song by someone else. What about that Little More Love song? At least that was his.

I fucking love this site. First time, long time… Full House was a flagship in my home as a child for whatever reason. I can no vividly remember my mother dreading watching it but was relieved we had some time together at the same time. Growing up has made me feel only a sense of guilt for exposing (and worse yet, at their expense) them to shows like Full House, movie franchises like 3 Ninjas and awful pop punk bands in my formative years.

I wanted to comment on this episode in particular because I was asked about the scene at the end which Billy omitted. No slag to him because I would be begging for death too by the end of the video. Danny tells Jesse that he tried to pick up a copy of the single of that the store was all sold out. The punchline is that Jesse has bought up all of them. I was signed to a record label at the age of 20 and did not have the best experience with them. So in an interview, I was asked about this very premise and this is my response. I figured there was quite literally no other audience who might appreciate it. I apologize about the length. Don’t blame me… blame that No-Talent-Assclown, Jessie and his ugly babies.

“I’m sure Slate probably already did an extensive article about this. But thinking about the year, I’m going to assume AT most the band would make 18% of the profits. Fat Cat Music would buffer that amount even more in local markets where the band (in this case, Jessie and the Rippers) would have a significant draw. So drop that down to more like 14-16%. Keep in mind these are the ‘good ol’ days’ of big labels and, pardon the pun, Fat Cat music producers. Now, after they repaid all the production costs, lawyers, record executives, domestic and international marketing (remember that in the next season the Rippers become big in Japan) and finally CD store inventory costs…. well there would not be much left. Plus, this was after a FAILED music video. So they had to cancel that shoot, rewrite and then probably hire the same unionized crew at twice the cost for going over budget to shoot a new video. The location, rigging crew, BED RENTAL, gospel choir, EXTRA BEADS TO HIT WITH DRUMSTICK, Fire Marshall, video editors and any extras in the video would most likely be SAG because they are licensed and permitted in California (whom we all know doesn’t have lax filming laws like New Orleans or Vancouver). Three of the Beach Boys actually appeared in the video and while they were still lightly touring at the time, they all lived in different locations so flying them out and room and board accommodations as well as any other amenities on their normal tour rider would have to be honored. Oh and that ‘bad ass’ guy from Head of the Class, who is the record producer has to BEG Jessie to come back and re-shoot. This means that they put in a very large overhead for pre-production costs: Studios, sound engineers, graphic designers and PR specialists all banking on this ONE song to launch an unknown, aging rock star. Let’s also remember that this is a Beach Boys song… and no matter what kind of stoner agreement Brian Wilson and Uncle Jessie Cochran/Katsopolis had, the Rippers would still have to pay out the ass to Reprise Records who originally released the album “Sunflower”. The Beach Boys sued Capitol Records later for unpaid royalties so even if the guys themselves might have been Fun Fun Fun in the Sun about who covers their song, their manager was infamously militant about collecting cover debts. While there is something to be said for the product and demand aspect of marketing, I believe that Jessie really shot himself in the dick by purchasing all the CDs at the local record store. Sure, the store might call in and say “we are sold out of the brand new, hot album from the Rippers… send us more!” but usually that would take at least 2-4 weeks unless you’re Guns N’ Roses around this time period. And stores like that deal in quarterly increments. So for a single to be selling like hotcakes wouldn’t even show up on the fictitious, billboard charts for anywhere from 1-3 months. By that time, no one could buy your shitty single. You have now hoarded all of them for no one to hear. Sure, he could play the track on his radio DJ show he shared with Uncle Joey Gladstone (Teen Talk Vs Yakkin with Youth) but again, you have to suspend disbelief that radio was more powerful than TV in those days. So, down to brass tacks… A store would carry at most maybe 80 units of a single. And singles back then went for what? Perhaps $3.99 (w/o tax). Round that profit margin to about $320. Jessie’s band would get about $44.60 from that. If you count in the video, there’s about 4 thousand band members so remember he has to split that up with the perm/mullet guy and the goofy black guy playing the bongos. They wouldn’t even see a buffalo nickel of that until the royalties were paid for and the massive over-budget costs were covered. And they can’t do that because Jessie fucked it up by buying all of the units thus pretty much annihilating word of mouth marketing. (BLOWS OUT CANDLE)”

how come everybody calls the babies ugly? I’m sure we were ALL bald at that age. Well, my hair was starting to curl up a bit. And Jesse kissing Michelle on the mouth is super disgusting and disturbing. 😦

I’m pretty sure that Joey didn’t get a shout out! It made me laugh. Jesse gave a bunch of shout outs, but didn’t include his wife, kids, Michelle, or Joey because the lady interviewing him interrupted him. Then he hastily added his wife, kids, and Michelle. I was glad because I was worried there was going to be a quick sub-plot of Michelle being mad that he forgot her. I’m surprised Joey isn’t mad.

KathySantoni, you really thought this out and your attention to detail in regards to money, overhead, and music law is quite impressive! I think Jesse should have waited a bit and maybe someone would buy his crappy CD!

I love how right after Billy posts that people are ruining it for him by talking about stuff that hasn’t happened yet, everybody goes right ahead and reveals everything that’s going to happen in the next three seasons. Assholes.

“Forever” by Dennis Wilson, while rarely if ever being on a greatest hits, is one of the top fan favorites of the Beach Boys and cuts away the argument that Brian Wilson was the only good thing about the band. Brian himself called it a “rock n roll prayer”. It’s the kind of thing you dance to at your wedding. And the album it’s from was arguably the band’s artistic height.

That being said, the music cover itself in this video isn’t absolutely terrible. I think it’s just the context of the whole show (and the reimagining the song to be about fatherhood) that makes the video terrible. I feel like had John Stamos not have done this show, he could have been very successful.

Beyond that isolated blunder, great review! Until recently I always thought the Beach Boys were lame too.

That terrible “music video” gave me such painful second hand embarrassment as a child, and disturbed me in ways that I could not understand at the time. (Though I did understand that the ubiquitous presence of those unhappy babies was stupid and creepy.) After reading this review, I had to watch it again, and…ugh. WHERE is aunt Becky? The video really plays like some sleazy single dad trying to score chicks by playing the “sexy daddy” card. It is just really, really gross to combine John Stamos preening seductively with those dopey ass babies.