Sunday, June 29, 2008

Who doesn't want to play god? Maybe that's why the perils and pleasures of creating machines in our own image fuel so many sci-fi movie plotlines.

It's only human to dream of worry-free maid service and garbage collection, ambulatory weapons and ultrasmart computers, lover-'bots and supertoys -- a Stepford underclass obedient to our every whim and directive. And who wouldn't want to live forever, replacing worn-out organic parts with bionic spares, eventually downloading our memories into a brand-new and improved android body?

Too bad our machine-made paradise almost always short circuits. Electric sheep suddenly and inexplicably upgrade, growing human emotions and dreams of their own. What's more scary than android Adams and Eves who outstrip their creators in smarts, muscle, morals, even the capacity to love?

What do we do with machines that suddenly grow souls? How do we define human, if 'bots and 'droids perfectly mirror us? Think back to the Tin Man in "The Wizard of Oz," questing for a heart, or Data of "Star Trek: The Next Generation," nicknamed Pinocchio for his passionate wish to become "real."

Big Philosophical Questions aside, the movies teem with just plain lovable robots like Huey, Dewey and Louie ("Silent Running"), C-3PO and R2-D2 ("Star Wars"), and Robby the Robot ("Forbidden Planet"). And now Disney/Pixar powers up "WALL-E" (Waste Allocation Load Lifter, Earth-Class), the last, ultra-lonely robot stuck on Earth, after humans fled centuries ago. This animated adventure promises to warm the cockles of every heart -- or motherboard! To welcome "WALL-E," we activate 10 of his cinematic kin.

10. "Short Circuit" (1986)A laser-armed robot gets juiced by a couple of big-time electrical surges during a thunderstorm, and upgrades to something like "human" on the spot. Number Five sports a kind of projector head with binocular eyes, a "torso" that rises out of a base propelled along by tank treads -- actually he looks a lot like WALL-E, the robot star of Disney's new animation. With his nasal computer voice, improbable chassis, and affection for John Wayne and the Three Stooges, this little machine is designed to charm -- and he totally upstages the rest of the (human) cast. Accidentally squashing a grasshopper, Number Five jacks into the possibility of his own death when he's told the bug can't be "reassembled." Nice moment comes when creator (Steve Guttenberg) and creation meet on a moonlit mountaintop to debate Number Five's status -- machine or something more -- and it all comes down to a robot cracking up at an old joke about a priest, a rabbi, a minister, and God.

9. "Making Mr. Right" (1987)Red-haired kook Frankie Stone (Ann Magnuson) hires on to do PR for a corporation that's just produced Ulysses (a very funny John Malkovich), an android who looks exactly like his scientist-creator (also Malkovich) and turns out to possess far more human emotions than his maker. Skewering sexual contretemps and clichés for maximum laughs, "Making Mr. Right" targets the difficulty of finding and keeping a good man, so the sweet, sexy android -- a warmer, more human version of Gigolo Joe from "A.I." -- looks like Everywoman's fantasy of a boy toy. Built to spend long years in deep space sans loneliness, Ulysses unfortunately short-circuits into passionate love for Frankie. In a screwball switcheroo, the scientist who's "not very good with people" rides the rocket, while Ulysses hooks up with his lady love. "Nobody's perfect," the android lover quips, echoing the last hilarious words in "Some Like It Hot," as two gender-mismatched lovers (Jack Lemmon and Joe E. Brown) sail off into the sunset.

8. "Android" (1982)Manning a deep-space lab, a prototypical nerd grooves on rock 'n' roll while fashioning a doll-sized metallic woman for her male counterpart to embrace, and checking out a sex-instruction program. Comes as no surprise that Max is less than human: smooth-skinned, helmeted with perfect hair, this skinny fellow's a tad edgy in his own skin, though he telegraphs very human horniness. Full of allusions to classic movies, "Android" mines major hilarity and horror out of the contrast between human savagery and Max's sweet dreams of getting to Earth -- off-limits following an awful outbreak of android murder and rape. Max's wide-eyed innocence can kill, but mostly it charms -- so that it's truly stomach-turning when the mad doctor (Klaus Kinski, a dead ringer for Rotwang of "Metropolis") pries open a panel in the back of our boy's skull to extract his "moral governor." Just-activated Cassandra saves the day, and she and Max head for Earth, his android ubermadchen hinting ominously of things to come: "We're not meant to be governed by the whims of men."

7. "RoboCop" (1987)This rip-roaring actioner never wallows in the horror of reformatting a shot-up cop (Peter Weller) into an unstoppable cyborg -- "RoboCop" is all go! go! go! from start to finish.

His torso and limbs massively armored and weaponized, only the lower part of Murphy's sleekly helmeted face remains human -- but the way he twirls his huge sidearm like an old-time gunfighter is a dead giveaway. Even when his pre-death memories start flooding in, they're almost instantly converted into single-minded revenge that we wholeheartedly applaud, given the scarcely human slime that offed him. RoboCop's got a deliciously bent sense of humor: Programmed against attacking any employee of the corporation that built him, he snaps off a crisp "Thank you!" when the CEO cleverly fires the bad guy. A terrific ha-ha moment: The hulking ED-209 robot, hotly pursuing RoboCop, stops short at the top of a long flight of stairs, one "toe" of its huge tripartite foot delicately hazarding that first, fatal step.

6. "The Iron Giant" (1999) A 100-foot-tall robot, with great round eyes, a steam-shovel jaw and a voracious appetite for scrap metal, lands smack-dab in the middle of the paranoid '50s, decade of Sputnik, the Red Scare and "duck and cover" cartoons. A bright, resourceful kid named Hogarth befriends the childlike monster and begins to "raise" him -- there's more than a hint here of Frankenstein's lightning-struck creation, as well as Spielberg's E.T. But it's a bad sign when the robot's eyes blaze angry-red at the sight of Hogarth's toy ray gun. And a deer killed by hunters gives the big lug his first painful lesson in mortality: "You die? I die?" "Giant" satirizes humankind's knee-jerk distrust of anything that's different, and celebrates the evolution of a machine of steel into Superman: The sweet-natured robot someone built to be a weapon of mass destruction makes a moral choice -- "I am not a gun!" -- and sacrifices himself to save Hogarth from nuclear annihilation.

5. "Battlestar Galactica" (TV series, 2004-2009)In this universe-spanning sci-fi saga, androids called Cylons look like humankind's death knell. But these super-powerful immortals are mysteriously conflicted, perhaps driven by some larger imperative -- so that it's rarely certain whether they mean ultimate good or ill. And the fates of the human creators and their android offspring are intertwined: the birth of a baby to a Cylon mother and human father looms large -- and the recent news that two Cylons have a child coming signals that some kind of weird evolution is afoot, especially since the androids have lost the ability to endlessly resurrect. Most striking among the Cylon gynoids is Six (Tricia Helfer), usually blond, always graced with strikingly sculpted face and flawless body. Responsible for the destruction of humanity's home world, guardian spirit, shape-shifting lover of Galactica's second-in-command, star of a strange quasi-religious vision shared by human and Cylon alike, she's angel and succubus many times over.

4. "Alien" Trilogy (1979, 1986, 1992) In "Alien," it's idiosyncratic, multihued human flesh that opposes the nothingness of deep space and the awful Otherness of the alien, a fanged, hooded, dragon-tailed shape-shifter with acid in its veins. Over and over, the striking clarity of Sigourney Weaver's features, the elegance and strength of her long-limbed warrior's body, defy the demonic perfection of the monster's inhuman physiology. Science Officer Ash (Ian Holm), a baby-faced android that bleeds white goo, worships the alien's purity, "unclouded by conscience, remorse, delusions of morality," characteristics the synthetic man clearly shares. The android in "Aliens" (Lance Henriksen) has the face of a medieval saint, starkly sculpted and somehow childlike, a faithful imitation of Ripley's humanity; aptly named, Bishop finds martyrdom, as he saves human mother and child. Only in "Alien 3" is Ripley's flesh breached by the alien, who impregnates her like some unholy ghost. When Bishop turns up, he looks like salvation to Ripley. But this Bishop, a human android-maker, parrots Ash: "Think of all we could learn from it ... you must let me have it!" Ripley chooses death, falling backward into a sea of fire.

3. "A.I.: Artificial Intelligence" (2001)Drawing on "Wizard of Oz" and "Pinocchio," for starters, this darkly ferocious fairy tale follows the Dickensian pilgrimage of an android child hardwired to love without end. Watching David (Haley Joel Osment) imprint on his inconstant mommy, his generic android face instantaneously animated by genuine feelings, you're heart-struck by the terrible innocence and vulnerability the "real" woman has triggered for her emotional pleasure. Paradoxically, it's the artificial boy, not "superior" flesh-and-blood types, who loves most faithfully -- and a couple of thousand years later, organic, feeling humans exist only in David's long-lived Mecha memory. Emulating the most fundamental of religious impulses, David aches to be unique and loved, so he dreams up a Madonna who will make him so. Imagine that abandoned child worshipping his Blue Fairy for 2,000 years, deep in the frozen sea that covers Coney Island. We're talking love that passes (human) understanding.

2. "Blade Runner" (1982)Here's a way to head off androids' evolving human emotions: Build in a fail-safe device that limits their lifespan to four years. (At least God gives us 70 or 80.) The fundamental riddle of "Blade Runner" is how to distinguish between real and fake humans -- especially when an android like the gorgeous Rachael (Sean Young) possesses a full set of memories and believes herself to be a natural woman. Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer) and his replicant tribe mostly treat people like expendable toys, but these superbly crafted creatures have the capacity to grieve for the wasteful demise of their own kind. Watch how tenderly Batty leans to kiss clown-faced Pris (Daryl Hannah), terminated by Deckard (Harrison Ford). Unable to win longer life from his corporate maker, this alien angel utters his own eloquent epitaph: "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe ... and all those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain ... time to die."

1. "Metropolis" (1927)In Fritz Lang's dystopian masterpiece, a sweet-faced Madonna preaches peace to zombiefied workers, oppressed by an elite class. To head off revolution, mad scientist Rotwang animates a mechanical woman, clothing her austerely beautiful metal body in saintly Maria's human flesh. Her face twisted by dark delight, the false Maria writhes erotically on a nightclub stage, her gyrating loins and perfect breasts literally dehumanizing the mesmerized audience. Rousing the underclass to destructive fury, the cyborg insinuates her body, snakelike, into their midst, spewing anarchist venom. A force that feeds on the worst in humanity, she's as heartless as electricity -- and the outraged mob burns the fembot at the stake, as though she were a witch.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Yeah, don't expect any movies that are critically and universally loved. Some of these may be bad movies, but I love them. So yeah, 10 fucking awesome, yet unfortunately overlooked movies.

By: Web Slinger--------------------------------

The List starts below!

10. Street Fighter

Yes, the awful movie based on the plotless Capcom fighting game. This is such a ****ty movie, there's no denying that, but this has turned into one of my favorite "so bad it's funny as hell" films. This is far and away one of my favorite movies to watch drunk. It has me roaring every time I watch it. It has Van Damme playing an American general for Christ's sake! Yeah, I really don't have much to defend in this movie. It's awful, but combined with Raul Julia's incredible over-the-top performance and his ridiculously stupid and ridiculous lines of dialogue make this one of my favorite guiltiest pleasures. It's ridiculously stupid and equally awesome.

9. Not Another Teen Movie

Sure, it was only made because Scary Movie so damn popular and such a box office success, but of all the "BlahBlahBlah Movie" films, this one is the best. Why? It has many subtle, humorous references hidden under the blatantly obvious teen movie gags that flood the film. Also, it's fucking hilarious. When it comes to the subtle references, they include:

-Anthony Michael Cafeteria Hall-A "Save Ferris" banner in the cafeteria-A piece of bologna falling off the library ceiling-"Who would've thought that everyone in our school would be a professional dancer?"-"I don't know" written on the top right corner of a classroom chalkboard-The fact that the homecoming football game and the Prom occur within a few days of each other

On top of these, this film is one of those rare examples of gross-out and stupid humor done right. Some will obviously disagree, but I think this is the only good "WhoGivesAShit Movie" that was actually any good. It was right on the money with its parodies.

8. Baseketball

David Zucker's last good directorial effort is also the only mainstream film to star South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. This hilarious film is insanely quotable ("No more Steve Perry psychouts") and shows that Parker and Stone have an incredibly likable chemistry and strong charisma that outdoes most of the leading "comedians" starring in Hollywood comedies today. This was obviously a highly-improvised film, and with three comedic geniuses (Zucker, Parker, Stone) taking center stage to put this together, that is absolutely not a problem. This is a hilarious, very quotable, and incredibly rewatchable film that never gets old when you're in the mood for something defeaningly stupid.

7. Galaxy Quest

Yeah, it's incredibly well-liked in the RT universe, but this film can into theatres and has unfortunately been fairly forgotten. Not by me. This love letter (or visual thrashing) of Star Trek/Star Wars fans is a hilarious film that, like some of the previous films, is incredibly quotable ("Miners, not minors!"), the cast is simply incredible (especially Tony Shaloub and Sam Rockwell), and there isn't a bad moment in the entire film. I watch this with my friends at school quite often. It's fucking hilarious.

6. The Rundown

Remember when The Rock was supposed to be the next huge action star in America? Remember when this was the movie that was supposed to put him there (complete with Ahnold passing the torch in the first scene of the movie)? I do. I saw this back in theatres, and then, I thought it fucking rocked. I saw it again a few weeks ago, and my opinion hasn't changed: it fucking rocks. The film still marks the badassery highs for Dwayne Johnson and Peter Berg, as this movie is one hell of adventure film with some fantastic fight choreography and great performances by Johnson and the great Christopher Walken.

Also, The Rock gets the shit beat out of him by little people. That's enough to get a spot on this ever-exclusive list.

5. Slither

It's a big budget Troma film. Well, not officially, but director James Gunn worked on films like The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke'm High, so you get the idea. This film is disgusting, filled with mediocre CGI, and combines God knows how many different films from the horror genre into one. With all of those quips out of the way, let me say that this movie was fucking awesome. The entire cast, especially Nathan Fillion and Elizabeth Banks, understand how to act in a cheap B-horror movie. As far as B-horror movies go, this is super writing on the part of Gunn, and the actors know exactly the kind of tone he was going for and play their roles exceptionally well. The best part about the film is not its thrills and chills, but how fucking hilarious it is. As the film progresses, it gets more and more ridiculous, which only adds to the fun. On top of that, the dialogue has many funny one-liners. This unfortunately bombed at the box office (its appeal really wasn't that wide and was marketed horribly). It doesn't matter though. This is an insanely rewatchable horror/comedy with one of the better casts in the genre in recent years.

4. The Emperor's New Groove

Yes, a Disney animated non-musical in its dying days of tradtional hand drawn animation. Who cares though, it had a fantastic voice cast and was far more clever than it had any right to be. The material is solid, the actors all has good chemistry together and do their jobs wells, and the writing is top-notch. However, there is one component that makes this film truly great, and that is Patrick Warburton as Krunk. He's awesome. He plays the innocent henchman perfectly, has far and away the best lines in the film, and has the best delivery by an actor in an animated film in years (yes, even over most Pixar voice roles). This was the last great pure Disney animated film.

3. Serenity

I have never seen Firefly. I knew nothing of the universe Joss Whedon created prior to seeing this movie in theatres. The moment Captain Malcolm Reynolds showed up onscreen, I knew I was in for something great. This film is an absolute blast, and is far and away the best science fiction film of the 2000's. Despite its moderate budget, the special effects and models are top notch, which is surprise considering the $100+ million devoted to the computer game known as Revenge of the Sith. However, the main difference between the two 2005 space adventures is the fact that the dialogue, acting, and characters are damn near perfect in Whedon's film. I have never had so much fun in a science fiction space adventure since Return of the Jedi. It isn't in my top 20 or anything, but this film puts me in an excellent mood. Nathan Fillion, you're awesome, and if people don't start to recognize your awesome talent, there will be blood.

2. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story is the third R rated Judd Apatow production of 2007, and it was the most criminally underseen of them all. Despite its awful marketing campaign and piss poor release date, it was the perfect combination of spot-on satire, stupid gags, and brilliant writing. Without these three components, there is no chance this parody of the music biopic would have worked. What holds everything together is the dead-on performance as John C. Reilly as the title character, and he actually, somehow gives a better performance than the incredibly overrated performance by Jamie Foxx in Ray and the awful Johnny Cash imitation by Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line. He sings in many different styles to represent the many different eras of music, and he succeeds in all of them. The songs are surprisingly well written, and it is a shame that none of them were taken into consideration for the Oscar season. "Beautiful Ride" and "Walk Hard" were better than the shit nominated from Enchanted and August Rush. This film is brilliant. I hate people for not seeing it.

1. Heavyweights

Ben Stiller's best performance. Disney's best older kids comedy. One fantastic quote after another. I fucking love this movie, and I refuse to let it go down as one of the many Disney live-action comedies meant as a filler between the animated stuff in the 90's. I mean, as a kid, how could you not love it. If you loved it as a kid, how can you still not love it now? It was far and away the best Disney live-action comedy of the 90's, and I still put it over their live-action blockbusters today like Narnia and Pirates. I watch this film probably 3 tiems a year at least, and my friends and I often quote this film to no end ("But the villian...seemed a bit...over-the-top!"). This movie consumed my childhood, and I still laugh out loud today. It's got a great cast of kids, the adults all do their jobs, and Ben Stiller is just insanely evil and awesome as Tony Perkis. Fuck, I love this movie.

Gadgets Found In Movies

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