03/14/2013

The Lastest Word - March 14, 2013

As noted last week, I am going to select a few of the issues
folks have in my local paper and try to help them. On Saturday and Wednesday, my local paper has "The Last Word." On
Thursdays, I will respond to my neighbors and get in“The Lastest
Word.”

Think of it as a “Dear Abby”
approach; I’m just “The Tractor Guy” who wants to help (and see what it
feels like to wear a Dear Abby helmet). I will continue with my normal
stories and columns that appear in newspapers and magazines in the Land
of Cotton.

And make no mistake, I love my local paper. I'm not associated with the paper, I'm just The Tractor Guy.

The Lastest Word/Dear Tractor Guy

Thursday, March 14, 2013

_____________________

Dear Hears Ringing Noises,

Folks have all kinds of solutions for this including Caller ID on your phone, whistles and reading lawyerish statements. What I think you should do is start talking gibberish, you start by telling them, “I am so happy you called.” You tell them about your dog, you ask them when they are coming over, in other words… Waste their time. Talk in pig latin, a foreign language, etc.

I will admit it is kind of mean to do this because they are just trying to make a living – something that more and more folks are not willing to do. However, I use it as entertainment. It’s kind of free when you think about it. You know the old saying about when life gives you lemons; make lemonade.

_____________________

Dear Troubled with the Tree,

This is what you do. The next time a big storm is coming, you invite your neighbor with the leaning tree over to your house. You have them stand in the kitchen. Maybe you should even handcuff them to the kitchen faucet or something.

_____________________

Dear Troubled with the Tree,

I assume that the tree did fall; I am happy to hear that it did not hit you. It is nice of you to get a plug in for Lucky Lissa.

_____________________

Dear Concerned with Clergy Compensation,

The last time I checked, the “The Good News” was free. Did you know carpenters were really good at math?

_____________________

Dear Perplexed by PEO,

I looked it up. It stands for “Pigs Eat Onions.” I’m not real sure what it’s all about. Is your wife odiferous when she comes home? Does she have barbecue stains about her face and hands? You have to be careful with these “ladies organizations.”

If she tells you that it involves rolling dice, playing word games or sewing, don’t worry about it; they are usually just drinking pink looking wine and making fun of men. However, I will note that I like pickled onions on the side when I am eating good barbecue.

_____________________

Dear Soon to be Part of the Road,

This is scary and I do understand your concern. There are two things here that I think you could do. The first is to try not walking in the road (if you are). The second is for you to wait until the light turns red to walk across. You have to understand that by pushing the button, you still need to wait for the light to turn red.

_____________________

Dear In Need of a Critical Part,

It sounds like you and Chris have a good thing going. If you find someone like this, you really shouldn’t tell everybody. I realize that you are only trying to help him, but there are a lot of folks looking for something to do on a Friday night and before you know it – it’s over. No more critical parts, no more late Friday nights, no more smiles on Saturday morning.

You are very kind.

_____________________

Dear Also In Need of a Critical Part,

See Chris (above) on a Friday night and let us know how it works out.

_____________________

Dear Sympathizer of Squirrel Scaring,

I’m actually with you on this. However, if you missed my “Lastest Word” last week, I discussed Squirrel Guy who likes to feed squirrels. Perhaps Squirrel Guy is the one who put the colonial terrorizing terriers in the stocks.

_____________________

Dear Deer Defender,

Let me ask you this. Did you actually see the deer driving or is this just hearsay? Also at the deer crossing sign, was a deer actually waiting to cross? Did the deer push the button? Again, as noted to “Soon to be Part of the Road,” the deer have to understand that by pushing the button, they still need to wait for the light to turn red.

Honestly, deer shouldn’t be driving. Just a FYI, if you (or the deer) are missing any critical parts, see Chris on a Friday night.