A personal release from the ties that bind.

Codependency

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Narcissist are literally Lucifer’s children living among us and ruining lives everywhere they turn as they carry on as if they are on top of the world and everything is perfect.

Yet the trail of their destruction is never ending and causes trauma in generations to last unless it is addressed and dealt with by family, friends and contacts. I just was researching articles as my 13yr old son. Who is living with his father due to his not wanting to change school districts when I moved out four years ago. What my son doesn’t realize is that he has such a fear of something happening to his father if he isn’t around him and that is the main source of his anxiety. He needs to know where his father is at all times, calls him multiple times throughout the day out of fear. What is most terrifying is my son has said to me on numerous occasions, “Move back in with dad, I’ll make him stop, I’ll tell him he as to!!” It literally tears me apart because he doesn’t see how mentally unhealthy this thinking is. I keep telling him the only person who can change is his father. He lost his wife, he lost us as a family and that still wasn’t enough to stop him. I repeatedly had to remind him it is not his responsibility to fix his father and there is nothing he can do to change his behaviors and addictions. My son has gotten to the point of not even contacting me unless I initiate contact due to this other woman always at his house and he is afraid it will upset me. I have made it very clear my only focus is my relationship with him. I am not concerned with this other woman nor am I concerned with what his father does unless it effects him. Right now, the actions of his father are effecting my son. Severely unfortunately and it’s breaking my heart. Listening to the things my son says and his views towards me are sickening. They are sickening because he is being brainwashed by two narcissists. He was placing blame on me for our family not working out, because I left due to his fathers drinking. He felt I should just accept it, as his father and grandmother feel it’s my issue and my fault that I cannot “accept him for who he is.” I’m sorry I can no longer support a grown man who has no intentions on stopping this awful behavior and to continuously bring arguments and stress to the relationship due to his actions while drinking. I can no longer support a man who spends more time numbing his pain with alcohol, drugs and sex (multiple women) than owning up to and facing his issues. He is severely damaged due to his narcissistic mother, his alcoholic father, his mother abandoning him as a young child and being sexually assaulted by his babysitters as a young boy. These are issues I cannot fix. I have offered my never ending support if he were to seek help, I would have stood by his side through it all, yet he chose to abandon our relationship so he doesn’t have to deal with his demons. He started another relationship and left an awful disaster for us to deal with. I had no choice but to stop. I had to stop trying for the potential I could see in him. I had to stop believing in him because now my mental health is damaged along with my children’s mental health being damaged. It literally took four months of being away from him and dealing with his no contact and ice cold behavior to realize he never had any intentions of having a true relationship. Because he is not capable of dealing with his issues nor is he capable of changing them. Narcissist, alcoholic and sex addict.

When we were still dating/together I was able to have some sort of eye on what was going on at his house and protect my children because I was always over at his house. One of my main fears by ending the relationship with their father was that I would no longer be near them to protect them if I wasn’t dating him. Right now he has a breathalyzer in his truck. At the end of this month the whiskey plates come off all of the vehicles and this is when all hell is going to break loose. My ex will be putting the breathalyzer in his second vehicle and he will continue to drive his primary vehicle. Now is when he will have a few drinks or the next morning, when he claims he is just fine after a night of drinking, he will drive again. (he has a personal breathalyzer, which he had shown the kids while on a family vacation this past August, he blew a 0.10 the next morning.) I did not allow our 5yr old to attend this vacation as I knew what would happen in regards to the family and their drinking. I have been very clear with him that he will not drink around our 5yr old. He will push this boundary and he will not have me tell him what he can or cannot do. When he pushes the boundary I will not allow our son to go with him or be at his home. This is when the ex is going to get ugly and his mother will step in with their attorney. This is when the ex will threaten to or stop paying what he’s been paying for the past four years. Our home, my truck and the cable/internet. What is sad is my 13yr son said, “You should be grateful he’s paying out of the kindness of his heart, you know he doesn’t have to do that.” This is when I made it understood that his father has a financial obligation for his children so in no way shape or form am I to be “grateful” he is doing these things. Along with the fact his father put me in a financial situation he knew I could not afford and that kept him in control. Which I didn’t see back then unfortunately. And the fact that my 13yr old son has this thought process is directly coming from the brainwashing by his father and grandmother. I have also made it known to my son that I am extremely concerned for his wellbeing and his mental health which our last conversation confirmed my fears.

Since I ended the relationship with my ex I’ve been able to see the whole picture and what really has been going on all these years. I have known the things my ex’s mother has said and done were not right though I tolerated her behavior for my ex. As I learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I am literally terrified for my children! I see how my good intentions, trust, hope and wanting the best for my ex and us as a family were manipulated against me. I see now how a lot of things were red flags from the very beginning. I’m embarrassed I am now in this situation and that I brought children into this disaster. This breaks my heart more than anything.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching to try and understand how I got where I am and why I feel the way I do. Point blank my best intentions were used against me and I never saw it coming. This is such a twisted mindfuck of a situation and then you throw their wealth into the mix, along with his narcissistic controlling mother and I’m not completely sure where to begin. I do know that a lot of the documenting I have been doing over the past few years was my knowing something wasn’t right. I also know this is what will make it clearer to the abuse that has been taking place for so many years. My children do not need to learn about this in the way I have. Through years of struggling, heartache and pain. It isn’t supposed to be this confusing.

I understand now that my childhood absolutely affected my life, my thoughts and my actions in my adulthood. I was always at such a loss for why the opposite of what I wanted in a relationship was always happening. I see now it’s by my accepting disrespect that these relationships failed. Because I grew up in such chaos I unknowingly seemed to seek out relationships that mimicked my childhood. I accepted horrible behavior as love. Love does not hurt. Love is not harmful. Love is kind, patient and love is unconditional. This I now understand. I also felt the need to help everyone every time anyone had a problem. I was the first in line to help them. Never once have I stepped back and said, “I can’t help them.” or “It is not my job to help them.” Until now.

I am now focusing on my needs and what I need to do to break this awful cycle of abuse. I no longer allow others to disrespect me, degrade me, control me or belittle me. I no longer try and “save” or “fix” others. I understand if I want to help others my best option is to focus on a career in helping others. A career in helping others will be a great way for me to still be supportive to others and to give them the proper tools to help themselves. In addition to becoming financially stable for myself and my children which is something I desperately need to accomplish.

I wrote this a couple months ago and I have a lot more to write about though I felt this needed to be published also. I have to say this has been one incredible and unbelievable journey!

I’m done crying and I am done trying. I am done listening to the narcissist’s constant spew of ever flowing lies. It’s making more and more sense.. The lies, the twisting and the debilitating way he preys on my kindness and understanding with no remorse, guilt or admission. He moves on to his next victim as he entertains and dances his grandiose version only he thinks of himself and which he tries to portray to his children and closest enablers. The selfishness in hurting your own children in this manor should be an act punishable by law. It clearly is child endangerment, mental harm and setting them up for a life of disillusion, confusion and trauma and ultimately recovery or a life of hell.

Yet nothing will be done. They will fall through the cracks of our intensely messed up society and continue a life long trail of harm. Because there is ALWAYS another victim to replace you. Always.

Ultimately a breech of contract within our own ten commandments surly punishable for an after life in hell with their father, Lucifer.

How does one wrap their head around this calculated and masterminded torture that starts from the very moment you fall for their false persona? How does one make sense of this? Educate yourself, take a look at yourself and if you see you are always hurting in your relationship with occasional bouts of happiness with someone. If you keep changing to make things work yet it’s never enough and there is always a higher bar, always just out of reach and never acknowledged. If you are a positive and optimistic person who is pulled down constantly by their negativity. If you find yourself believing in their potential more than they do, yet that doesn’t come to light until they no longer can suck anymore life out of you or when they see you’re catching on and standing up for yourself. Then, you are no longer any good to them and they will leave you. Then you look back and you see it’s been years in the making. You wonder how in the hell all of this happened?

It happens because you are a kind, loving, emotional, giving and positive human being with a soul. That’s why they seek you out. If you lived in a toxic environment growing up infused with alcoholism, mental and physical abuse you are a target. Don’t second guess yourself. Ever. You are the target. It will change your life more than you could ever even possibly visualize or fathom. Until the day the relationship ends and you see how quickly they move on to the next victim as though you are absolutely nothing to them.

They get you to go through a phase where you are trying to explain how you know what’s happening, you bargain to work with a counselor because you dove in so deep educating, trying to find a reason for the constant chaos, then you realize it was their plan all along. They sense your coming to terms and they start to retreat. They surround themselves in the company of their enablers and reclaim their pedestal. Abandoning you. If you’ve been set up over a long period of time you may be so invested, financially it will take everything in your power to be released from their grip. You can and you will. You are fighting for your life now.

Life shattering.

This is the only way I can explain this new found information. How it all comes together to make perfect sense in it’s true timing. Do not and I repeat DO NOT think poorly of yourself for falling into this awful trap. It’s extremely deceiving and you really are being preyed on for your gift of empathy, your caring, honest and loving personality. DO NOT change this about yourself! Be single until you have dealt with the damage, processed and moved forward from it. You need to make sure you don’t fall for this again! I see all of the red flags looking backwards now.. I see all of the “hooks” he used to keep me constantly hoping for a partnership and family life. It would never happen this I have now learned.

I will not allow myself to be in this type of relationship ever again. That means my eyes are wide open, my lessons have been learned and I will conquer my past blind mistakes. I am using my pain to push me forward. I am finally standing up for myself. I was traumatized throughout my childhood and into my adult years by my own blood. I trusted in them to not hurt me. I learned from a very young age and by their teachings on what love is..

THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!

This is what you do. You pick yourself back up, you dust yourself off and straighten that crown! You distance yourself as much as possible from them. Mark my words, if you don’t, they will pull you back in and play off your emotions, trust, heartbreak and pain. They are testing their boundaries with you. They will lie to you, they will guilt you and they make you feel like they want the same out of the relationship. When in fact they don’t want anywhere near the same as you. They are so emotionally dead inside they are not able or capable to love. They are so weak and damaged and they will never ever do anything to change it! They are content moving from one victim to the next and never having to face their demons. They will never see their wrongdoings nor will they ever fully admit to them. I fell for the partial smoke screen admittance, don’t do it! They will eat you alive if you let them.

Physically, I can feel the burning flames and see the clouds of smoke, smoldering around me that I am left and abandoned in and struggling to breathe. Holding onto my children for dear life, giving them any ounce of oxygen I have left to give. He casually walks away, as if to have thrown the final match, never once turning back for even a glimpse. A glimpse would mean he has feelings, emotion or empathy. He is dead inside. He has not an ounce of emotion for others let alone for himself. It’s “His way or the highway.” He walks away from the burning flames and into the arms of the new embers he has so delicately and meticulously cared for in preparation to throwing that final match.

He goes on, never looking back and never having any regrets…for now.

Remember this…

Actions truly speak louder than words. And this goes for ourselves and others.

Everything we think we have stuffed or buried within ourselves or ran from will catch up to us…one day it will ALL catch up!

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now. I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see? The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion. Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so. I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance, of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.