a short prayer

it’s been a while since i last spoke to you and i’ve been feeling so lost and aimless in the meantime.

i haven’t felt as close to you as i used to, when i was taking my first baby steps as a committed christian. it’s been more than 5 years now since i made that choice to follow You. my, how i’ve ‘grown’.

lately it’s been harder and harder to set aside time to read your word and yet I have more bibles surrounding me now than ever before. I haven’t been going to bible study much either, not because there isn’t one for me to go to but rather from a lack of interest and from feeling tired. Shameful excuses i know, i would never have used them before.

also, i haven’t been speaking to you as much as i used to. last time i would talk to you quietly, thanking you for small blessings, complaining about little irritations, asking You what i should do whenever i had a problem and urgently seeking Your help whenever i was feeling lost or afraid.

nowadays i spend more time surfing the net than i do in prayer or listening to and talking about inconsequential and worldly things.

whenever i go to church i feel like a hypocrite. I know the words that are being spoken but i cannot connect with them with the same intensity that i once did. neither to i get caught up with the same passion to ‘spread the good news’ like i did before. Have i grown cold?

How is it that i’ve strayed so far from You?

only one thing has not changed, and i cling to it with all my heart. I still enjoy talking to people about Jesus.

whenever people come to me and ask me about Your Son, i feel such joy come over my face and written all over my heart. Because whenever i speak about Jesus, i remember.

I remember how much You love me. How much you accepted me for who I am, and how much You gave for me. That i could be made Holy and righteous and be called a child of God. You never compared me to the others around me, you chose me for who i am and that touched (and still touches) my heart so much that i want to run to You and cry. I never deserved Your love but You gave it to me freely anyway. Why me Lord? What have i done to deserve so precious a gift?

You knew me then Lord, a shameful sinner, and you know me now, a lukewarm christian. somehow when i think about it, it feels as if i haven’t come very far from my starting point.

Forgive me Father, for the way i’ve treated You and for how i treat You now. Give me the strength and wisdom to make choices that reflect how much i do love You inside. I hate to think that i disappoint you and it makes me fear that you will stop loving me for all the mistakes that i make.