Dame Cooke Presents: Shit Guys Say

The Shit People Say meme is getting old. I know this. You know this. But I still think there is a lesson to be learned here. People of all sizes, shapes, ages, and races all say things that are crazy. Guys say a lot of things. Girls say a lot of things. But neither seem to have any clue what each other are really saying and this causes a lot of miscommunication and loneliness. And no one likes loneliness.

Last week I picked on the ladies. Guys, now it’s your turn to take the hot seat. The Dame wants you to be aware of the shit you are saying when you say shit. (Phew!) These seven phrases are killing your game. I promise, with a little awareness and self-censorship your dating prospects will open right up.

“I’ve got this.”
All women know that guys only say they’ve “got” something because they’re trying to convince themselves. Be it driving directions, building an Ikea desk, or managing a difficult conversation, if you “got” that, you would’ve “had” that already and not be flapping your lips telling us that you’ve “got” it. It’s okay to be wrong and it’s okay to ask for help. Seriously.

“She’s a 10.”
Unless you’re talking about the Barstool Smokeshow of the Day or Adrianna Lima, she’s probably not a 10. Again, you’re only saying this to convince yourself. No one else really believes you and let’s be honest, the whole number rating system for females is pretty offensive. Just say the girl was a babe and leave it open to interpretation – it works out better for everyone.

“She’s a psycho.”
…a classic go to line when guys are talking about women and the shit they say. Communication 101: if you have a problem with someone – talk to them about it. If what they’re doing in the relationship isn’t working for you – leave. You are putting up with the “psycho” because you are choosing to. Stop saying that shit and start doing something about it. Who’s the psycho now?

“Wanna go back to my place?”
Ladies, he’s not asking you to go back and play Xbox. He wants to “get it in” as the kids say these days. Guys are more forward about these things than you give them credit for. They’re fairly simple beings, once you can translate the shit they say. Guys, help a girl out and clue her in on what exactly you want to do at your place. Make sure you’re on the same page now before shit gets awkward.

“I’m really tired.”
Translation: “I don’t want you near me right now.” Guys are never too tired for anything. Most guys would sooner pass out mid-coitus than turn down any activity with a female, because they’re too tired. If a guy ever passes this off to you as an excuse, consider it a red flag.

“I’m not ready for anything serious.”
If they were serious about you, they’d be ready for something serious. They’re saying this because they want to keep options open. Unless you’re planning to keep your options open, too, ditch them and move on. Guys, I’d tell you to be more forward, but in this case, you are being forward. Girls just have a tough time understanding this one. Note: This one also comes in the form of “I don’t like labels.”

“Did you really want me to go to that thing with you tomorrow?”
Read: “There is not a chance in hell I’m going to that thing with you tomorrow.” C’mon guys, grow a pair and just tell us you don’t want to come. Chances are, we’re going to be pissed off at you either way. Might as well be over a dose of honesty.

What shit do you hear guys say? Let me know in the comments.

Dame Cooke Dame Cooke is a Gen Y sexpert living and working in Boston. As TNGG's premier relationship guru, she's here to answer your questions about love, lust, a lack thereof, and everything in between. When she's not on duty, she enjoys watching Boston sports, drinking Boston beer, and, of course, meeting Boston boys!
Need advice from Dame? Email askdamecooke@gmail.com

One Response to “Dame Cooke Presents: Shit Guys Say”

This article did not even attempt to stray beyond trite, stereotypical responses. As a male who does NOT conform to these stereotypes, I am offended. As a writer, I’m even more so. Consider me disappointed.

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