The Hares
(Frozen) Tale

Since
I was co-Hare with Daisy today I’ll write this Gobsheet from
the Hare’s perspective. It’s quite a different view from
taking part in the Hash. I have to report that the trail today was
voted an unqualified success – nothing to do with the wonderful
countryside, the fearfully sludgy shiggy, the subtle deftness of the
Hares’ trail laying. No, no. We managed to lose ShutupWally who
only returned as we were enjoying the Down Downs. No easy achievement
but one which Daisy and I will treasure for a long time.

So here’s our method of laying a trail: 1) wait
until the week before the event to check a map and figure out the
probable route. 2) Be too busy to call your co-Hare to discuss this.
3) Check out a part of the trail the Monday before by driving round
it. 4) Drop into the pub to ensure landlord/lady are ok to host the
event (actually they couldn’t have been more friendly and it’s
a lovely pub). 5) Run round parts of the trail with your co-Hare the
day before the Hash. 6) Get up early on Sunday and lay the damn thing
in the freezing cold. 7) Run round it all again with the Hash even
though you are totally knackered. 8) Smile a lot when people complain
the trail was ‘too long’ or ‘there was no flour’.
9) Glow inside when people thank you for the event, say they enjoyed
the trail, laugh about getting a little lost, tell you amusing
anecdotes from the day and when you are watching a warm pub full of
Hashers having a damn good time.

Our
morning started at -1.5o and 8:00 a.m. Daisy looked
surprisingly fresh for someone who had been partying until 3:00 a.m.
and she managed to drive to The Sun without falling asleep and/or
sticking several early morning pigeons and bunnies to the tyres. We
stepped out of the car. We nearly stepped straight back in. It was
colder than a polar bear’s bum. Colder than a marble washstand
in the Arctic. Colder than... Well, it was blood-coagulatingly cold.
In fact, with a fierce wind chill reducing the temperature by another
5o or so it was a tad nippy. Our tiny hands were frozen.
Daisy had sensibly opted for industrial-strength underwear beneath
several layers of long-sleeved T-shirts and running tights and
remained cosy beneath two pairs of directoires over cerise pink
Bridget Jones ‘big knickers’, topped off with corsetry
that could contain a charging rhino and two pairs of lisle stockings.
It was like following the Michelin lady carrying a plastic bag full
of flour. We set to the cold task and finished the last bit for the
Short trailers mainly by car. A wonderful way to lay the trail –
drive along with the window open, flinging handfuls of flour while
keeping a wary eye for walkers who might be miffed at a faceful of
McDougall’s.

Our first check was highly successful when Bomber,
Zebedee and most of the pack fell for the old ‘it always goes
this way’ routine. A number fell for the old ‘let’s
follow the walkers’ routine – then returned crestfallen
from the False. Lemming added to the joyful atmosphere with a mighty
stamp in the middle of an ice-covered puddle. Incredible how fast
some people can run isn’t it? As the Pack stumped off Cloggs
and NonStick appeared, Cloggs with the Hash Sheep who dived into my
flour bag to emerge with a faceful of the stuff before bounding off
with a manic “Baaaa!” – the Sheep, that is. The
trail took a meander through some self-satisfied suburbia and a swing
by the recreation ground before heading out into open, sun-bright,
wind-chilled country where Jenks trotted with his two hardy children
and Dutch and Krystyna snuggled deeper into their protective
swaddlings. The Hash began to spread out. Always a problem, this. The
FRBs can cope but the middle-order Hashers, back-markers, walkers and
lightly injured (i.e. no major limbs missing) need a little chivvying
and coaxing to stay together. This means the most stupid Hare (me)
has to run like bu**ery to try and catch up with the FRBs while the
other, more sensible Hare (Daisy) has to coax and chivvy like a
sheepdog with a flock of individually-minded sheep. A contradiction
in terms, I realise, but a reasonable comparison, particularly since
Daisy’s father is the good Shep.

Having
caught up with the middle-order Hashers I was privileged to enjoy the
sight of a gaggle of Hash ladies including Spex, Septic, Donut,
Mother Theresa, Posh, PissQuick, SlipperyNipple and new Aussie girl
Jools getting caught out by our carefully laid bar check 200 metres
down the trail. The FRBs had disappeared by now and I only saw them
again at the wind-chilled Regroup atop that damn great hill. They
huddled in a serried bunch like Antarctic penguins, wibbling and
quarking, anxious to be on their way. I let the poor cold souls
depart, watching amazed as everyone but Zebedee went the right way.
He trotted ½ mile in the opposite direction. Then trotted back
with a somewhat fixed grin. Anorak suddenly appeared, having started
20 minutes late (just as well we were arrowing the checks) droned on
about her 84 minute PB in the Wokingham ½ Marathon and shot
off like a tawny-haired ferret who’s just spied a particularly
juicy rat on the horizon. Which left Effin, PissQuick and NonStick,
who was attempting to extricate a nail from his running shoe. How it
got there we dunno but he managed to sort it out and ran off, leaving
me with two charming companions for most of the rest of the trail. We
had a pleasant jog and chat, a walk and a chat and a gentle trot and
a chat through the leafless forest until we popped out near Goring
Heath ex-Post Office and met SlipperyNipple, LoudonTasteless, Spex
and Septic coming down the road. Amazingly, we then bumped into
co-Hare Daisy with a couple of other slackers more
sedate Hashers and made our way slowly back to the pub, spotting
HeyBabe and Jools emerging smilingly from an uphill footpath where no
trail had been laid…

Things To
Remember For The Future

Three
hours is not enough time to lay a reasonable length trail. Next time
we’ll lay a short one - and we’ll do it in the summer…

Do
NOT stand next to a puddle of freezing water if Lemming is
running towards you.

Give
all the walkers a map of the area, not just one of them
(sorry Dutch).

Despite
one’s best efforts the FRBs will always not see one of the
carefully placed checks.

Next
time choose a much older, less fit and attractive co-Hare. It’ll
make me look better…

On
On. Hashgate.

Down Downs

Joint
RA Dumper presented the following :-

Name

Reason

Style points

Cloggs/Cheating

Interrupting the RA

½ pint of cold
water gasped/thrown down

Zebedee

Awarded the Hash
sheep for appearing with coffee on a tray

Accepted with all the
grace of a dedicated x-dresser

Ms Whiplash

Demanding soup and
bread rolls from the landlord!

Sucked and swallowed like a true pro…

Jools

Today’s virgin

Stunning chugging by
our new Antipodean friend

Anorak

Pacemaking Dumper

Only a half. Woof! It
was gone!

Glittertits,
PissQuick, NonStick

2x100 runs and 50
runs. Congratulations.

Jolly fine by all

ShutupWally

Getting back very
late

Not bad for a
knackered Hasher

Daisy, Hashgate

The Hares

Well Daisy did ok…

Up and Coming

Run Number

Date

Grid Reference

Venue

Hares

1424

06/03/05

662740

The Royal Oak,
Westwood Glen Tilehurst

Motox

1425

13/03/05

734677

The Bell and Bottle,
Shinfield

Various Harriettes

Next
Moonlight Hash March 25th at Ms. Whiplash. Please let her
know if you are going or she’ll give you a damn good thrashing.