Sunday, June 29, 2014

Confessions of an Optimistic Existentialist

I think that people sometimes get the wrong impression about me. I am not always the nice, kind, sweet guy you all think I am. I have made so many mistakes in my life. I wish to atone for them. This has been weighing heavily on me, and I wish to clear my conscience today. They say "the truth shall set you free", so here are my confessions...When VCRs were still at thing, I didn't always be kind and rewind

I sometimes drink coffee after 5 PM

I do not always squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottomI completely zone out during work meetings, occasionally nodding my head and interjecting the random "I agree" so that I can keep up the appearance of listening

When the Miley Cyrus song "Party in the USA" comes on in the car, I turn the radio up

When it comes to chips and dip, I have been known to double-dip

I have changed the font size on periods at the end of sentences in order to stretch a college research paper from 19 pages to 20 pages (it really does work)

When I type LOL, I'm not always literally laughing out loud

I judge people I don't even know soley based on their bumper stickers

When driving, I sometimes go 60mph in a 55mph zone. And if I am feeling particularly bold, I'll even push it up to 63 or 64

When I was in junior high, I kissed and told once

I have feigned excitement over Christmas gifts that I didn't really like

(related) I have re-gifted. On several occasions.

When I was little, I would sometimes put the mouth end of the thermometer on a light bulb to make my temperature seem higher than it was in order to get out of going to school

After 4pm on a Friday, I mentally check out for the last hour of work

I didn't let the dogs out, but I know who did

I do not to drink the recommended eight glasses of water per day

I was suspended from high school. Twice.

One time I had pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in the same day

In 6th grade, I dropped a pencil on purpose once in order to look up a classmate's skirt. I got caught.

I sometimes laugh at jokes that are not funny

If I really like an ink pen, I will sometimes "borrow" it and "forget" to return it

I feel so much better after having gotten these things off of my chest, as this was quite cathartic. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted. The truth has most definitely set me free.

Do you have any confessions? C'mon, you'll feel better if you get it off of your chest.

Love, love, love these confessions....I think most of them I could have written. Except for dropping something to look up a girl's dress. LOL...oops, I'm not literally laughing out loud, physically, but mentally. Oh, and speed limits...I think they're just guide lines. I've been known to do 90 in a 75 MPH stretch of lonely highway. In my younger years for sure. Not now tho.

I mentally check out before noon on a Friday, so you're doing better than me.And in a 55 mph zone, I'll do 70 mph. And I've been known to push it to 90 mph.Those were really funny, Keith! We forgive you.

Confessions.....I zone out when my hubs talks about sports, just nodding my head and smiling and saying umhumm once in a while. Sometimes I don't answer my phone, just let it ring and go to the answering machine. I buy chips and hide them. That's enough confessions for me. If I got into the heavy stuff someone might call the cops...or a shrink.

Confessions. . . . yours . . . made for a fun post . . .Mine . . . not so much . . .I sneak a grape . . . checking for freshness . . . I turn away and go the other direction if I run into "miss chatty" . . .I play sick if there is more than one family reunion in a month . . .I fake sick from work if it is a really good book . . .

Great confessions! For me...I have to take a mental health days. I yell at people (even though they can't hear me) when they change lanes without using their blinkers. I have eaten a pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting on more than one occasion. In conversations with people that talk at me, I mentally check out - working on a project/problem or whatever in my head, then bounce back to the conversation when it is most convenient for me. :)

I was not going to forgive you for these confessions until I read myself in most of them. HA! And IF you take my pen, I morph into a monster and chase you down. No one believes this because "they" think I'm nice too. And the pen stealer can't tell because...well...you know they can't be found!

I don't think I would of had the courage to try the pencil trick while I was in school.

But I was in high school in the early 2000s, as it became popular for women to wear low rise jeans with thong underwear. Most guys are pathetic losers at that age, and my stupid self had no problem checking out the whale tails.

It wasn't until I was much older and realized that most women were doing that on purpose to some point. Just like wearing those thin leggings as pants. Ladies you can wear whatever you want, but when men stare don't complain.

Ha, fun. I am sure we could all write such a list....but few are brave enough to do so. One thing.....I have rung my own doorbell a time or two if there was a chatty person on the phone. Oops, someone at the door works miracles.

I am not always sunshine & smiling & kind too all the time ~ We all have our days when we are less that what we desire to be ~ But we should forgive ourselves as we are not machines, wired to do everything right, every time ~ And hey, by Friday after lunch, I am mentally wired for the weekend, specially if its a long weekend ~

IDK, There are a few there that may be hard to overlook - listening to Miley Cyrus (really?) and the old pencil trick (what do you expect to happen, the early signs of a cad), and from a coffee lovers' viewpoint, there's nothing wrong with drinking coffee after 5 pm. . .

Glad you cleared your conscience, I prefer to tell my journal. I've never liked confessing until backed into a corner. . .

Keith, I always suspected you had a dark side and I'm glad that you finally decided to confess and reveal all (or at least almost all). It's actually a relief to know you're not perfect - - you had me worried there, for awhile (and I'm admittedly envious of perfect people).

I wouldn't dare confess my sins on a public blog. I'd be instantly banned by Blogger - - and the FBI would probably be called.......

Oooh, confession time. Let's see. I get really, really bored at baby showers and wedding showers because I have no interest in watching somebody else open up 100 gifts. And I *really* hate playing party games. Especially at the aforementioned showers.

I thought (and still do think) the Helen Keller jokes are funny (how did Helen Keller burn her ear? She answered the iron. These are quite funny and I believe we all have done things like this especially tuning out when someone is really boring.

I love this! That period trick was a lifesaver once I finally heard about it! Especially once I had the prof who always said, "If I assign a 20 page essay, i want 20 pages that are full, not 19 full pages and a quarter of 20."

And meetings... I'm always needed for a quick check-ins for the meetings that I have to attend so I totally tune out. Luckily, I always know what I need to report on for when they call on me. (And I always call in, so that I don't even have to nod and pretend that I'm listening.)

Also that one post-it on top of my desk with a doodle... it's covering the twenty other post-its with doodles that I've done.

Reading your list I thought your confessions are real simple life of one human being. You're an angel Keith!I did not like school lessons but only I loved English and music. Once I've re-gifted a box of sweets and then I felt ashamed.

Right, confession time: I have sometimes "accidentally" eaten my son's Rocky Bun. :-) Thanks for your comment today. I agree with you, those crumbs are the sign of a good biscuit. All is forgiven, Emma, that's why I keep getting your cakes.

Well, well, well. It's all coming out now isn't it? :) Keith, you have nothing to worry about, and based on this, neither does your lovely fiancee if that's the worst she's got to put up with. Me? I can be a pain in the butt when I get a bee in my bonnet and sometimes I say I'm busy when I'm not to get out of social occasions. Um! Don't tell anyone!

Seriously loved this post, Keith! Makes me appreciate discovering your blog even more. I have a confession to share. My nickname in high school was Bone Crusher. Because one day while in gym we were playing indoor soccer and I accidentally tripped a classmate and he fell into the wall and broke his arm. There was lots of screaming and crying. The ambulance came! Later I found out he had to have plates in screws to help with the healing. It was horrible. He was so kind about it though. Oh and did I mention that this happened about a week after I transferred to the dang school. Worst. Day. Ever.

"In 6th grade, I dropped a pencil on purpose once in order to look up a classmate's skirt. I got caught." Aha, so you got caught up your classmate's skirt? Ignore me, LOL and ROFL. I knew you had a dark side. Your posting has confirmed this.

I'm guilty of literally laughing my head off. This has caused a problem. Try typing without a head.

Geez, these are so tame Keith. I was expecting some horrid revelations. If anything, they make you seem even nicer and more normal lol. My husband hates it because I do the squeeze from the middle toothpaste deal too. He is always on me about "roll it from the bottom." No. Just no.

In 9th grade, I got mad at some friends and told on them for smoking in the bathroom. They got suspended for three days. One is still a close friend, and now 45 years later, she still talks about it and still doesn't know it was me.

The thermometer cracked me up also! These help make you who you are and I appreciate you "confessing" them Keith. Ooops, I don't always leave more than one square of toilet paper for the next person. . . .

Well, I was literally laughing out loud. I think some of that was due to relief...I was apprehensive about what you were about to confess to! LOL for real. I once got expelled from high school. Today I do not even resemble that foul-mouthed girl. Thank GOD. :)

Great List!!! Shoot if I made a list I'd have to add flaming poop bags and barf pocket books to the list. Sadly people cannot take jokes anymore. Both of these pranks can now land you in jail or possibly on a watch list somewhere. Loved reading your list! :)

Hi There, Yes--of course, we ALL (I'm sure) have things in our past which we are not proud of.. Some of them are just little things (like squeezing the toothpaste at the top rather than the bottom) --but some of them are WHOPPERS.

One of my biggest whoppers was driving too fast. I even had a fuzz buster once --but most of the time, it didn't help. I got 'several' speeding tickets --and even went to classes (in Texas) in order to keep it off of my permanent records... I 'tried' to stay within 10 above the speed limit --but that wasn't easy for a speedo like me. These days, hubby drives about 90% of the time --and when I do, I drive more slowly than I used to...

that made me laugh. ok. my number one confession would be - and this will make me incredibly unpopular amongst the blogger girls - i hate loathe detest the book "lolita"

C'mon it is a story of a 40sth guy who f***s a 12 year old!!! and argues with the same shamefull dull lull as all offenders do "i wasn't her frist/she seduced me/she wanted it etc etc ) this book is wrong on soooo many levels. Even worse that people regard it as a "love story". The same people who wood stone any childabuser (and rightly so).Lolita is a cruel depiction of child abuse and the mind behind such a crime. Beautiful language? give me break and read Ada or Ador if you want to know something about Nabokov. Yes. I do feel better!

And btw i hate this bloody indifference on blogger due the fear of losing followers. love and hate, darling people, but don't be indifferent! love first and foremost and LIVE!

I loved reading through your lengthy list of misdemeanours. I still conclude that your really are still a nice guy, with a good conscience!!!Thank you for visiting my Blog, and leaving such kind comments...Best wishes, Eileen :)

This was hysterical, Keith! I really was LOL because I've done some of those same things! I've busted third grade boys for doing the pencil thing and trying to snap a picture with a cell phone up a classmates skirt! I missed the post on favorite books ~ mine has to be LOTR, but it's almost an impossible choice to pick just one. By the way, I'm definitely a hobbit, and we regift with joy! I'm an omnivorous and voracious reader! Have a good one!

Keith, this is hilarious. I used to pretend to be sick when I wasn't to get out of school. I figured out how to make my eyes look funny. I double dip, too. I tell the occasional white lie to get out of something I don't want to do. What a fun topic.

This is too funny, Keith! I think I have done all or most of these things, except maybe dropping the pencil :) I have had my share of confessions growing up Catholic. I do sometimes hide some treats to keep my hubby from eating them, but to be fair, he is a treat stealer. And I do tend to judge people by their bumper stickers -- but hey, they are the ones announcing it to the world! Oh, and sometimes I don't listen to long winded stories and instead start daydreaming. This is a problem when you are asked a question.....xo Karen

I love pizza- I could so do that! I like to eat popcorn for supper-my family does not improve. It doesn't happen very often. I have ESPP-Extra Sensory Police Perception-I get the feeling one will appear and I slow down and then-one appears. I agree with the wise old owl-it does only take 3 licks to get to the center of the Toostie Roll Lollipop ;D You are funnay!(It is my New England accent-I can't get rid of it).

If it makes you feel any better, I read recently where the 8 glasses of water thing really isn't valid. They say you can get hydrated from other things you drink too. As for faking an illness to get out of school, well, I did that too. I was not the goody two shoes many thought me to be. :)

I love this post Keith!You really made me laugh with the pizza all day!My daughter made that sometime so I know what are you talking.I dont drink all these water I thinm maybe 4 glasses!The fruits count ?I love fruits! Ican eat they all day!Did you noticed by my recipes?Lol

Ha.. I LOLed at this (not really) ;) There are some good ones in here. The double dipping made me gasp.. that's like putting your whole mouth in the bowl! But since you haven't confessed to not putting the toilet seat down, you're still doing fine. Thanks for the laughs.. out loud or otherwise.

Oh my!! am I glad I stopped by to say hi, you put a smile on my face... yeah you are a bad boy! Have you ever had a check bounce? me?? several when I was single oh and sometimes I hide and don't share food with my kids...

I loved these. Only suspended twice? C'mon, Keith, get on my level. I was suspended twice in one week. High school was more of a recreational place than a learning environment for me. It's no wonder I had to go back to college when I was thirty =P

My confession: I lose the tie on the bread all the time but never look for it. I just twist the bag and put it back in the breadbox.

Oooohhhh my favorite kind of posts!One time I did NOT return the clothes to the rack after trying them on. I left them IN the dressing room at the store!And one time (when I was single) I threw the bag of chip crumbs in the trash. Later in the day I got the bag out of the trash and ate them!I kick dropped ice cubes under the fridge. I do. Like, right now...I would do that....at my age.

LOL! (And yes, I did actually laugh out loud.) I confess your confessions seem rather mild. ;) Hm. I'll confess that I often fake it til I make it. Seriously. See that cheesy grin? It's very practiced from a lifetime of performing. Regardless, I do TRY to instantly care about every person I meet. So yes, fake til I make.

absolutely !! Lemme think....I double dip you betI judge folks by their bumper snickers alsoI judge people by how their dogs behave ( or not )Sometimes I am iny pajamas past noon. Nope not in bed- just too lazy to get dressed!Oh heck I am a re-gifter par excellence. Sometimes those gifts leave our home the same day they arrived.I spoil my sweetie and our cat.Big hugs to all of us non-perfect people!

I'm guilty of several on your list. Although I've never dropped a pencil to look up someone's skirt, I may have dropped one in high school just so I can pick it up in front of the guy I was crushing on. Pencil dropping works for both sexes. ;)

I've done some of the same things as you. Especially the last one, about "borrowing" a pen. Haha. I'm happy go lucky, good natured and all that. But, I'm a ranter and raver. And I'm very impatient. I mutter things under my breath. I'm judgemental.I roll my eyes a lot. There. I DO feel better! And I had a good chuckle over you driving 64. Hilarious, you daredevil!

My hubby and I received a giant sized American flag with flag pole for Christmas. I really tried to act like I loved it. LOL!! (I'm not really LOL-ing;-) I'm all about patriotism, maybe just not HUGE flags in my front yard. Thanks for stopping by my blog today!

Naughty naughty naughty. I think you can find forgiveness for all those... well, maybe not for the toothpaste squeezing infraction. Repenting of that is insufficient. Thou shalt reform. :) Wonderfully fun post. Should I be alarmed by the surprisingly high number of those deeds we have in common?

You were only suspended twice? With such a rap sheet, I would have figured more. ;) I have a confession, I don't always answer the phone when it rings, even (or especially) when I know who's calling. :)

Squeezing the toothpaste in the middle?!!!! that is just despicable!!I turn my radio up louder when the song I HOPE YOU DANCE comes on, or when anything by James Taylor, John Denver, Carol King, Doobie Brothers, Chicago, Josh Groban, soundtrack of Phantom of the Opera, Maria Muldaur, Crosby Stills Nash & Young, ...well, it gets turned up a lot!

OMG Keith, this list is hysterical! It's too late for me, I need to go to bed and my brain's not working properly.....so I can't think of anything off the top of my head. But I appreciate you putting this all out there!!!

Well.I feel like I know you now. However I've lived twice as long as you and my list would eat your list for breakfast, and ask for seconds! I don't want to brag, but I actually do LOL and ROFLMBO! Thanks for the smiles this morning Keith- have a great day!

First of all, thanks for stopping by and not hating me for neglecting such an important reader. Secondly, let have a look at this post of yours. You didn't always rewind? So it was you, was it! It took me two decades to find you. Now I will have to make you drink some Blue Coffee after 5 PM. Yes, sir. I'll pour myself a cup too for I suddenly realize I never ever - quote - "squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom". I hate work meetings unless there's some hope decisions will finally be made. Ones that make sense. I usually find myself wondering why I would fire. How's your coffee? I always double-dip, but it's too early to tell you there's no chips involved. Aha! I never type LOL, nor do I ever think about LOL except when it means Love or Lust? But I'm blue, so don't expect me to laugh out loud. A college paper stretcher eh? Are you aware you're talking to a college professor? I'm LOL now thinking about what I would do with you if you were a student of mine. Now, let's see... Blue Coffee.... check! Man, I'm so tired I can't even think of anything suiting. Maybe a long comment? Check! I judge people based on their essays. How's that for a confession? I'd better turn that one into a bumper sticker. You have feigned excitement? Shame on you. Why would you do that? I never feign excitement and as a result I have only three friends. I'm about to re-gift. I got a concert ticket from a student. First I said thank you without smiling and now I'm thinking my brother's birthday is coming up so.... As for thermometers, you don't even want to know where I put them to shock my poor Momma. How's that for a confession? Still reading? Good. This is meant to be severe punishment. Not many people have been punished by Blue except for my readers. So you check out mentally when you're at work. What do you think I'm doing now? In 6th grade you dropped a pencil on purpose once in order to look up a classmate's skirt? I love you, man. I did the exact same thing. Plus I had special mirrors glued on my shoes. Of course I got caught. I never laugh at jokes that are not funny. What I do is tell a joke that is funny just for spite. I never borrow pens because I know where those have been. Well, I hope you're ready for your second cup of Blue Coffee.

You are hilarious... :) Nah...still a nice guy...sorry... :)))(YES, definitely the bumper stickers!!) I am terrible at returning library books on time, I am very judgemental when people yell at their kids in public, and I can turn into a little monster when hungry...I'm sure there's plenty more...but why go there? I think you have covered the most "sinful" of them...haha Hugs to you and Beate...