Science Says All Ewoks Must Die!

Before the prequels came along, Return of the Jedi was the most divisive fan in the Star Wars franchise. For some fans, it was a glorious and satisfying end to the original trilogy. For others, it was completely ruined because of one thing: those darned Ewoks. If you count yourself among those who despise George Lucas’s furry little creations, you may now take solace in the fact that according to science Jedi should have ended with Wicket and his brethren all dying terrible, fiery deaths.

Professor David Minton of Purdue University recently published a paper (via CinemaBlend) detailing what he believes would have been the scientifically accurate finale to the classic original Star Wars trilogy. According to Minton’s version, this would have made the end of Revenge of the Sith seem light-hearted and fun:

[M]ore or less what happens after the destruction is that the entire mass of the Death Star simply falls onto the location of the shield generator… The aftermath of this impact would be to obliterate everything on the surface. No Ewok could withstand an impact of that magnitude….It is likely that the atmosphere would be so heated up … that every body of water on the entire world would be flash heated to steam, and every forest would ignite into a global firestorm.

First off, props to Dr. Minton for sneaking an “of that magnitude” in there.

Secondly, I don’t really mind Ewoks and even I wish I could see this version happen. Just picture it: the Death Star blows up, everyone celebrates, then things grow solemn as Han and Leia realize all that debris is headed right for them. All the rebels head for their ships (probably leaving C-3P0 behind since he’s slow and annoying) and barely escape as all the Ewoks perish in fiery anguish. No Yub Nub, no Jedi ghost party, just the annihilation of the entire Ewok race. But hey, at least The Emperor would still be dead, right?

We would like to thank science for bringing us this wonderfully dark alternate ending to one of our most beloved films. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.