Bloomberg reporter Max Abelson should receive every last Pulitzer for his story today, "Look at These Atrocious Rich Fuckers Hang Themselves With Their Own Quotes." Or if you prefer the "formal" headline, "Bankers Seek to Debunk Attack on Top 1%." Good god. I mean really. It is almost Christmas. You bastards.

In this story, Max Abelson quotes a variety of America's best candidates for being put up against the wall when the revolution comes, explaining why they are, I don't know, not evil, evil, fuckers. "Hey, I'm talking to a Bloomberg reporter, I can just fire off my stupid fat rich idiot mouth at will," is the thought process that many of the individuals in question utilized. Let's just pull some grafs at random, eh?

Asked if he were willing to pay more taxes in a Nov. 30 interview with Bloomberg Television, Blackstone Group LP (BX) CEO Stephen Schwarzman [pictured] spoke about lower-income U.S. families who pay no income tax.

"You have to have skin in the game," said Schwarzman, 64. "I'm not saying how much people should do. But we should all be part of the system."

For example, poor people could be "part of the system" by languishing in for-profit prisons, selling their "skin in the game" to Stephen Schwarzman, who will turn that skin into decorative lamps for one of his chalets. We highly recommend you read every last paragraph of this Pulitzer-deserving Max Abelson story aloud to your family around the dinner table at your meager Christmas, while teaching your youngest how to sharpen up hunks of scrap metal to form handy shivs. The kicker:

[Former Goldman Sachs money management unit CEO Leon] Cooperman, 68, said in an interview that he can't walk through the dining room of St. Andrews Country Club in Boca Raton, Florida, without being thanked for speaking up. At least four people expressed their gratitude on Dec. 5 while he was eating an egg-white omelet, he said.

"You'll get more out of me," the billionaire said, "if you treat me with respect."