[35/m] I just found my wife's [31/f] instagram and she has been posting suggestive and near naked photos of herself for the past year

I've always thought of my wife as more reserved and shy, even when meeting new people she is usually very conservative. Recently one of my co-worker mentioned he saw someone on instagram who seemed like my wife, and after a bit of investigating, it indeed is her as she has been posting very suggestive photos of herself on her instagram account. She uses an alias on her account and has been posting pics of her butt, boobs, legs, in her lingerie/thongs with many are near naked and with very suggestive captions as well.

It was very odd to see her get likes and comments from guys that are saying all these vulgar and suggestive compliments and also suggesting that they may have been dming eachother etc.

I haven't confronted her about this yet and have been checking her instagram for the past few days and she is still active and updating, and when I get home from work everything is all normal. It's very surreal. I don't really know what to think or do at this point.

tl;dr - found my wife's instagram account and she has been posting suggestive and sexy photos of herself

substiccount

You didn't really put anything in your post about how you feel. Are you ashamed? Proud? Disgusted? Upset about the lie? All of the above?

throwaway0404125

I feel very mixed emotions, I'm just very shocked because it's completely opposite of her character and what I know of her, so it's really hard to say. I guess you could say I've experienced all those emotions at some point.

substiccount

There's no need to rush before confronting her. Feel free to continue to gather your thoughts

amrw224

It seems very simple, but this is great advice. I've often found myself just reacting to something without thinking about how I feel, what I want to say, and collecting myself. It also makes it 1000x easier to make your points and stick to them without getting rail road-ed, if that's your partner's MO.

atticmonkey777

And lots and lots of the evidence...just in case.

arma__virumque

I don’t think OP needs evidence here. OP already knows the account exists. If the wife lies about it, then the lying becomes the main problem. Having an account for validation/attention is one thing - lying to your spouse is much worse.

nattykat47

A shady instagram account isn't evidence of cheating, especially because she's not using her real name or posting pictures with men. OP doesn't mention that she's carrying on with men in the comments of the account, either. It's a lie by omission, sure, but "evidence" of what?

speaker_for_the_dead

He said in the post there were comments that led him to believe she had direct messages with them.

gtfoslut

I think she/he means "evidence" as in taking screenshots of her provocative photos. They don't mean evidence of cheating, just screenshots so she can't deny posting the pictures.

nattykat47

This response is so dumb

demoncat1

You don't think her dming with random guys about her explicit photos and posting near naked pictures of herself online for the express enjoyment of other men is cheating? The fuck?

puppyjackcheese

it might not be just "the express enjoyment of other men". A lot of women have really low self confidence issues and that may have led to her doing this seemingly anonymous act. Perhaps the underlying issue should be addressed first

demoncat1

You think her cheating on her husband with random online guys is excusable because of her low self esteem... right

kitcatkittycat

I’d gather evidence of the account (screenies etc) in case she deleted it soon

DrankOfSmell

c'mon guys, that sounds reasonable on the surface, but she's obviously being two faced *towards her husband*

VROF

At the very least you must have felt uncomfortable when your co-worker mentioned it to you. Your wife needs to be told so she understands that people she knows in real life are following her secret Instagram.

agjios

Objection, leading the witness. Don't push your biases onto OP. He felt how he felt, not how you think you might feel if you were theoretically pushed into that situation.

KungFuSnorlax

Yeah most people would love of off the cuff comments from co-workers about their wives secret partially naked Instagram account.....

DylanHate

This isn't a court of law.

jimmytime903

I sentence you to death.

IrrevocablyChanged

Can I have a lawyer now?

ilikerice711

Yeah how you feel is very important. Some people don't care some people do. I have a friend who also constantly post very suggestive photos and her boyfriend seems very proud of her. He's always complementing her telling her how sexy it is etc... So it's really up to how you want to handle the situation.

dragonfliesloveme

Every emotion? Wow. And this is the ONLY comment you bothered to respond to. Every emotion. Okey dokey.

I don't believe this post, I think you are a troll. A red-pilling troll.

PrivilegedGuy

Regardless of how OP u/throwaway0404125 feels about it, it still strikes me as a violation of his trust. Even if OP feels proud or is into it, she still hid something big from him. I would be concerned about what that means in my relationship.

sejacobi009

1000% agree! The trust element is huge here! She clearly hid it from OP... if she wasn’t trying to hide it, he would’ve at least known that the account existed...

LockStockandSquirrel

Yeah, sure, but it could mean so many different things. OPs wife could be all "I'm sorry.. I knew it was wrong and it just snowballed. It all started after I felt sexy when someone posted kissy lips on a normal picture on my regular account (and I blocked them). But it felt good to have that attention and you just think of me as (shy, meek, innocent, XYZ) and I didn't know how to talk to you." vs "I never did anything physical! What's the problem!" (and a whole range of in-betweens). The failure to communicate is an issue but for me it's not a deal-breaker if my partner can articulate what was happening in a way that acknowledges what they need and what is missing.

Argentothe1st

There's literally a million possibilities but yes, go for the one that is most damaging to their relationship. /r/relationships in a nutshell

PhonyHoldenCaulfield

Why are we assuming this is a lie?

dreamed-a-dream

It's not an assumption, it's a simple matter of fact. She has a secret instagram account that she uses to post risque photos and her husband had no idea it existed. That means she lied.

SuckingUpTomatoes

I wouldn't frame this as whether it's wrong or not, the problem is how it was hidden. Some people won't mind their partners posting material like that, some consider it a deal breaker. Both are acceptable because there's no absolute here.

The failure to communicate posting material like this is unacceptable, especially if you don't approve of a partner doing it. Many people who would be fine with posting material like this consider it wrong when done without permission, because that discussion is essential to relationships.

jifPBonly

Yes, you hit the nail on the head! My boyfriend and I have a "naughty" Reddit account that we both have access to, but it's just me posting. I have always been pretty open sexually and this is something we have discussed in great detail.

I would definitely suggest OP talk to his wife and see if maybe this is something she has wanted to do but was ashamed of telling him since OP said she is usually quiet and reserved. I don't agree this was the right way for her to go about things, but this could potentially be worked out. Now if she was private messaging men, texting, sending specific nudes etc. that's a completely different story.

antwan_benjamin

I wouldn't frame this as whether it's wrong or not, the problem is how it was hidden.

Well if he decides that he thinks its wrong, then he should frame it as such. Also, she needs to let him read those DMs to see wtf shes really been doing.

puppyjackcheese

I agree, if she lets him read the dm's then you know she's not afraid of him finding out something and it was just a miscommunication of what is and isn't acceptable in the relationship

YeahOKWhateverDude

the problem is how it was hidden

No, the problem is that she is posting this material without his knowledge to the point that a co-worker confronted him at work over it.

If it were me, and a co-worker casually mentioned "Dude, I saw your wife's breasts splayed all over the internet last night as I was pulling one off" I would at first be pissed and possibly file a harassment charge against him and when it comes back that she really is doing that? How could I show my face? I would be embarrassed as hell and ashamed and my career may be torpedoed as I just became the talk of the entire company.

And all of this because she never told him any of this. When you're in a monogamous relationship it's "you and nobody else" not "you and the rest of the internet"

demoncat1

Seriously I mean... fuck that woman. I would call her what she is and kick her out. I hope they don't have kids

HOPSCROTCH

If it were me, and a co-worker casually mentioned "Dude, I saw your wife's breasts splayed all over the internet last night as I was pulling one off" I would at first be pissed and possibly file a harassment charge against him

What?

Ash1221m1328

The pm’ing part would bother me. What is she saying to them and is she trying to meet up with any of them.

Soksea

That's exactly where my concern would be. She is sharing pictures for reaction and how do the PM's develop from there. I think OP will be much less mixee emotionally if he sees her messages.

Ash1221m1328

I agree. He needs to see the messages for his own sanity.

Arcade42

Not to mention theres apparently comments suggesting that the commenter and OPs wife may have been together...

That alone would have me out the door. But id definitely demand to look through her messages at this point if only to know for 100% certainty.

ilivetofly

Eeh people will leave all kinds of fantasy comments when sexuality is involved. Just because someone makes a comment suggesting they may have fucked does not mean they have - outside of that persons mind.

[deleted]

[removed]

antwan_benjamin

It was very odd to see her get likes and comments from guys that are saying all these vulgar and suggestive compliments and also suggesting that they may have been dming eachother etc.

dm and pm....same shit.

Zoraxe

What does dm mean? I assume it's not dungeon master. Is it different from pm private message?

antwan_benjamin

i just said they mean the same shit. dm = direct message, pm = private message. its personal 1 on 1 communication over whatever platform is being used.

LordOfTheHam

It means direct message, same as pm.

captainpoppy

OP should create a fake account and investigate.

Ash1221m1328

That would help him see what she would pm him or if she would try to meet up with him but still wouldn’t show him all her other pms.

drinkinwine

She's posting so her face is recognizable, but hasn't told her husband? Does she not think something like what has happened (a friend recognized her) was a possibility?

Does she send you pictures like what she posts? If not, does she have a secret life? Is she messaging other men? Has she met up with them? She obviously likes the attention, but why not from you?

Very suspicious. I'd do a little more research, maybe you need to set up an alias account too and see what type of response you get when you DM her.

Vleda

I was thinking that last part too. Best case scenario she tells him she's married and he can drop an "It's me, your husband lol"

Just_Livin_Life

no why admit he tried to trick her? If she doesn't want to meet up, then he can just ghost the message.

comeonbabycoverme

Because then he's the liar in the end.

cant_reheat_rice

I don't think that actively deceiving his wife for the sole purpose of catching her in a lie is taking the moral high ground here. She hasn't actively lied to him about this Instagram account, just not mentioned it.

hippydippylove

Lying by omission is still lying. If you feel the need to hide something, you know you aren’t right.

EienShinwa

I think it can be considered lying if you're married to someone and don't mention things that might imply cheating, suspicious circumstances, or breach of trust.

drofdeb

He wouldn’t be actively deceiving her, just not mentioning that it’s him

hovdeisfunny

So passively deceiving

cant_reheat_rice

He would be assuming a fake identity in order to approach his wife through Instagram. That's active deception.

YeahOKWhateverDude

actively deceiving his wife

She hasn't actively lied to him about this Instagram account, just not mentioned it.

So he won't actively lie to her that it's him, he'll just not mention it.

TheBelleFinch

I'm with you. That's a dangerous game to play. OP would be running the risk of getting completely shut down, which is good for him, but then if his wife finds out he's liable to be the one who has to answer questions because rather than confront his wife honestly he tried to deceive her. Not a situation that's going to help anything imo.

krasavetsa

Well she’s been doing the same thing to him by having this secret so what’s the difference? What if it was the other way around? If she does shut him down with the impression that he is just a random, it would actually help the situation. Maybe she is doing it for some sort of confidence boost and if he realizes it’s harmless-then they can go from there.

TheBelleFinch

Well she’s been doing the same thing to him by having this secret so what’s the difference? What if it was the other way around?

I'm with /u/cant_reheat_rice on there being a difference between these two situations still. Keeping a secret from someone and actively trying to deceive them are different things. If OP asked his wife, 'hey, do you have a finsta where you post half naked photos of yourself?' and she said 'no, honey, that's insane,' that would be deception.

Not telling him isn't an outright lie, at most it's a lie of omission but even the case for that is a little so-so.

If she does shut him down with the impression that he is just a random, it would actually help the situation. Maybe she is doing it for some sort of confidence boost and if he realizes it’s harmless-then they can go from there.

Yes and I pointed this out as you'll see here:

OP would be running the risk of getting completely shut down, which is good for him...

But the way I see it he has two options. (Well three if you count 'just ignore it' but that's probably off the table so let's just say two.)

OP confronts his wife honestly. Maybe he finds out she's sexting random dudes on Instagram behind his back, maybe he finds out it's just a thing she's doing for an ego boost, either way he has his answer.

OP makes a finsta and DM's his own wife. Once again he may find out that she's sexting random Instagram dudes behind his back or that she's just doing it for the ego boost. Either he's got his answer but this time there's an added layer of risk in that now, rather than maintaining any sort of moral high ground by dealing with the situation like an adult, he resorted to high school level trickery.

It still seems to me like the better option is just dealing with the situation honestly. Both options lead to more-or-less the same result only one of them makes him look way worse.

b4bordergore

He needs to know the truth. She’s already lying by omission, it’s incredibly likely she will lie when confronted. What you called high school trickery is the easiest way for him to get a real answer

Pooptruck5000

That's called a lie by omission...

ylang_ylang

Yeah I actually think that's a good idea

devymetalxo

Please dm her via a believable fake account and see if you can get her to meet up with you.

Cheaters rarely admit their behavior. You need to verify her intentions with this account before you confront her.

If you look at her messages and she hasn't met up or sexted with anybody YET you still have no proof she isn't willing to do so.

Sad that you have to meet deception with deception to get an accurate read on the situation.

sweadle

I think you need her reaction to know how to feel.

"Wife, we need to talk. I found your instagram." Then be silent and hear how she responds.

demoncat1

I would be more of an asshole and try to coax an admission before coming out with the fact that I know. Right before throwing her the fuck out

-morituri-

would enjoy that part too, although its not necessarily this bad, it might be just an innocent secret, stil smth that has to be shared with a husband that is..

soliloquios

Screenshot everything!

inyobizzness

You need to talk to her about this, it’s VERY odd that she kept this from you. I know many couples who are OK wirh sharing suggestive content as long as it’s not a secret.

How do you feel about this?
You should ask her about it, it’s very juvenile of her to have a fake alias and post her body; reminds me of MySpace and high school lol

UnwellHiC

Makes you wonder if you really know her after all? It would to me. I'd talk to her about it. Who knows what else you don't know.

throwawayaday1989

Yep, regardless of how he feels you know that is one thought that is wizzing around his head right now. I would feel like the rug had been completely pulled out from under me.

ghuy123

When you confront her make sure she gives you access to the account immediately so you can see the dms before she deletes anything.

PrivilegedGuy

Yea that would be a big issue for me. Definitely need to confront her.

chopstiks

She is seeking personal validation, and whatever else, from outside of the marriage. Try to look beyond the nudity OP, easy for me to say, and see it for what it really is.

gravelgrrl

I can say from personal experience that this can be the case. I was doing things similar to OPs wife 2 years ago and when my husband found out, things between us started to fall apart. I’ve been in therapy since, and the reason I did it was due to a long history of poor self/esteem. My husband and I are doing great now because he’s been a very patient and forgiving person.

dreamed-a-dream

I think a lot of women don't understand just how damaging it is to the male psyche to discover things like this. To know that your wife is making/has made efforts to please/excite/entice other men and that she's not making them for you is absolutely devastating.

Pooptruck5000

It's no different than cheating.

atonickat

But on the flip side of that, what would drive a woman (or anyone for that matter) to seek outside validation if her partner was giving her all the validation she needed? Sure there are people who are never going to get enough and their ego is impossible to please, but it could just be a case of not feeling like her partner values her and is attracted to her, so she looks for that feeling from strangers on the internet.

I could just as easily say that I think a lot of men don't understand just how damaging it is to the female psyche to see her husband/boyfriend looking at other women or talking to their friends about how hot they think women are or discovering their porn collection full of women who look nothing like them.

LieBetweenTwoTruths

If she was messaging the guys or they were messaging her that is cheating, and there is no excuse or reasoning for that. If that's the case hopefully he is strong enough to just leave her.

Miss-Anthropy66

It appears as though she may have been experiencing a lack of intimacy within her current relationship and projected her perceived need for affirmation of her sexual-desires-unfulfilled, to others who may be willing to respond positively to her posts.

TallisTate

Personally, I have no idea how I'd feel about my girlfriend posting suggestive pictures online. I might well be fine with it, but if she hid it from me and I found out from a coworker, it'd be weird and I'd feel betrayed. It's her (as in, OP's wife) body but this is pretty sexually charged stuff. The bounds of what sexual fidelity mean for each couple differs and it doesn't matter what her motivation is, this can still be very jarring. Especially because, again, he wasn't informed. She can do whatever, but he should be allowed a say as to whether he wants to be in a relationship where his partner shares what he might perceive to be material that's too intimate online. It's not unreasonable nor is it a moral judgment necessarily.

Sizzle_chest

This is kind of fucked up, but I’d be tempted to take a look at those DMs.

Wetzilla

Recently one of my co-worker mentioned he saw someone on instagram who seemed like my wife

This seems a little suspicious. He just happened to come across a secret instagram account of your wife? I'll admit I don't use instagram a lot, but that seems pretty unlikely.

majzira

Yeah. Like I said above: does she know his co-workers are seeing her? Did she friend him/them on purpose?

paflingo

It could've popped up in the "people you know" lists, tho

fuckboimagnet

As a woman, I think it’s just odd. Even if it’s because she’s an exhibitionist, she should not be hiding it from you or doing it in secret. The posting I can try to understand, but the secrecy would be a red flag for me.

LieBetweenTwoTruths

If she's messing anyone or they are messaging her that is definitely cheating.

majzira

Exactly! Maybe they both think it's hot, maybe not, but lying about it is not a good sign in a relationship.

edd6pi

I would recommend that you stalk her Instagram some more, take a lot of screenshots as evidence in case she deletes it later, and then confront her. The fact that she’s been hiding this from you is a major red flag in my opinion.

thefilthytwo

That suck my man. You must be tempted to DM her anonymously to see how far she would go with online (or I suppose offline!) infidelity.

jewelsinme

That's what I would do. Hate to say it - create a fake persona, handsome pics, DM and see how far she's willing to go. That is the ONLY way he will know for sure. And I'll be downvoted, but I'd be like a detective up in there!

amensch007

Simple test: do all this (documenting everything) and then try to meet her in a hotel room where you present her with divorce papers. If she doesn't make it to that point then your relationship is salvageable, otherwise the divorce papers are the solution.

Maxvayne

I would figure out if she has been cheating or at least emotionally cheating with any of these people. Gathering information and assessing your thoughts before confronting her would be for the best, as you're not getting any half-truths.

IcebergHermit

Divorce her ass - she’s screwing other guys behind your back.

HimynameisFak

Lemme get an update when the time comes.

desidarling69

It's more weird at the fact that she hide it from you.

BendyMei

This might be a weird question but can you tell if the photos are recent? Without knowing how long you’ve been married, is it possible these photos were taken before you? I ask cause I had a friend a while back who had her I guess social identity replicated and someone was taking her pictures and posting them to an Instagram account pretending to be her. I know it’s out there and far-fetched but anything is possible.

Esaemm

Might be a stretch, but is it possible that she's a camgirl/nude model and is making money off this?
I'm curious about an update on this too.

Floraexplorer

Frankly I think she should be allowed to live her own life; but this does feel like its crossing into cheating; but this is someone who casually talks about the act of sex and Just fetishes with friends [in my case its discussion and not like... to be "aroused by it" and masturbation its just talk]

xarmorx

How do you feel about it? Either way I would talk to her about it. My girlfriend does something similar as a confidence booster to improve her self esteem or if she feels like shes looking extra good. If it doesn't bother you and all is well, maybe just slide into her DM's hommie.

inyobizzness

Except she’s been hiding this from her husband. It would be a great confidence booster had he been made aware of it existing by her but the fact that she’s hiding it and likely using it for validation seems innapropriate. If they talk about it and OP Is fine with it then great, that would be considered a confidence boost for her but right now it’s just sketchy and inappropriate behavior.

stophittingthyself

Also if she's been direct messaging people then it goes beyond the normal confidence boost. She can't be messaging people sexual stuff behind her husband's back.

HungryChuckBiscuits

Was going to say this. It would be one thing to post pics for "confidence" or whatever, but another entirely to interact with your audience. Who knows what private communications shes been having?

NotyouraverageAA

If I was OP I would have a friend DM his wife to test how she'll react to other men messaging her, or create a fake account and test it himself. He may be unsure of what to think now but how she responds will really determine what he does about this.

thefilthytwo

For sure. Either that or insist on seeing the DMs. If she refuses OP is entitled to assume the worst.

The fuck is wrong with people. If my wife got off on that stuff and want to do it all she would have to is be honest and ask me. And be anonymous which Mrs OP isn’t. Ugh.

brearose

She is being anonymous. She uses a fake name on the account. OP's coworker recognized her from the photos, not the name or anything.

YeahOKWhateverDude

Damn. I would be pissed as hell. If I was confronted at work by someone who basically tells me "I was pulling one off to your wife's naked Instagram account last night" I would be mortified and it would torpedo my career when I suddenly became the talk of the town.

She owes him an explanation. It's all fine and dandy when what you do in the privacy of your own home and doesn't hurt anyone is your own business...... but this just hurt someone and it's no longer the privacy of their own home.

She lied by omission, plain and simple. Before I confronted her I would DM her and see if these messages are complimentary messages, or if they are attempts to hook up on the side. Because if it's the latter then I'm getting a divorce. Since she has already shown her willingness to lie by omission confronting her before sending DM's to get the truth will most likely never definitively reveal the truth as to if she was trying to hookup on the side.

RavenRonien

Ok so from your post it seems you aren't outraged or you don't want to police your wife or anything like that, cool we're starting from a very well not rational because you mention confusion, but level headed, and measured area.

Lets move onto what to do about it. Ask yourself, within the confines of your marriage, are you ok with what she's doing? If yes, then tell her you found it, and that you would have liked that she would have felt comfortable sharing that part of her life with you, but if it is an outlet she enjoys, you have no problem with it, then move on, hopefully strengthening the communication and trust you two share in your marriage.

If you do not find this ok behavior ask yourself why. What about it bothers you. Is it the disconnected between the image of your wife you thought was her and this image you see? Is it the trust that she did this behind your back and felt the need to not tell you about it? Is it the likes and the vulgar comments she doesn't necessarily shy away from that bugs you?

Think very hard about why you don't like what it is she's doing, then talk to her about it. Ask her why she does this, not in a accusatory tone, genuinely try to find what outlet this serves her. Ask her if this is important to her, and tell her what misgivings you have about it. Then attempt to compromise on a solution that can leave her fulfilled and you happy with the arrangement so you can say something like the first paragraph where she gets to have some outlet and you are 100% ok with how it is handled. Maybe that takes the form of something private for the two of you, or maybe you find you really don't care as long as her identity is hidden. Who knows, that is up to the two of you to figure out.

FlexNastyBIG

This could actually be an opportunity to strengthen their communication and marriage, if undertaken in the way you suggest.

LieBetweenTwoTruths

If she was messaging other guys that is cheating, and hopefully he gets a divorce, especially if his state allows fault divorces.

Janieprint

Maybe she has an identical twin she never knew about? Stranger things have happened...

gabr1ela_

I think the husband knows his wife's lingerie

becausefrog

Yes, but why does his coworker??

majzira

That's what scares me. Does she KNOW his co-workers know? Or is that maybe the point?

raynebowskye

Would he? What if she doesn’t wear the lingerie for him? What if she only buys it for the sole purpose of taking IG pictures?

I'd be furious. It's not necessarily a break up situation but it depends on her past history in your relationship.

HeartTrob

I believe It's a secret life that she gets a thrill out of. She is seeking some kind of attention and enjoys the attention she receives. She's definitely getting DM's and most likely flirts and possibly even sexts with them as another way to get herself off. The only true worry is if she actually meets anyone.

Have you seen any of the DM's?

LieBetweenTwoTruths

If she's messaging or even receiving messages that is cheating.

fatboy-slim

How about you comment on her Instagram account? "Most of my friends think you are very sexy! We need to talk when I get home"

cocoastiletto721

If you think her post are bad wait until you see her DM’s. I’m sure guys are messaging her privately and she’s entertaining conversations. Clearly she likes the attention. Is that lacking at home?

ijustwannaberich

She probably hid it because she has her own feelings of shame towards her own sexuality. Its easier to be "sexy" for strangers who don't matter and you'll never meet than with people who know you in real life, and she escapes judgement from her peers for expressing herself.

throwawayaday1989

Yeah but your husband isn't your peer, if she feels like she has to hide it from him then there are big issues in the relationship right? There has to be a reason why she hid it, and I can't think of one that is conducive to a healthy relationship.

ijustwannaberich

There are plenty of people who feel self conscious about their own sexuality with their spouses - this sub is living proof of it. I agree that it's not healthy.

throwawayaday1989

I guess there's a million ways this could play out, the truth will be in her response

antwan_benjamin

She probably hid it because she has her own feelings of shame towards her own sexuality. Its easier to be "sexy" for strangers who don't matter and you'll never meet than with people who know you in real life, and she escapes judgement from her peers for expressing herself.

If that were the case, then she should be doing a better job of hiding her face because one of his coworkers recognized her

[deleted]

[removed]

dreamed-a-dream

Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than finding out your wife has a wild side she's perfectly willing to share with other men but not you. It's a recipe for marriage success.

currentlyinthelib

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but....

Maybe she does this for extra money? Feet pics, used socks and stuff?

Kinda what it sounds like

catboopers

That's what I was thinking, that she's making money off of it somehow.

__yumyum__

Congrats on being newly single. What is her Instagram?

tayoz

I think it's good that you held back on confronting, there may be even worst things that you don't know about yet. First gather your thoughts and decide what is it that you want to confront her about (the nature of her photos, contacting strangers, keeping it all secret, etc.). I would also look into something else, I don't even want to fill your head with crazy things, but I'd check out what else she's hiding.

Scarletteewrites

It depends how you're feeling about the situation. Are you proud that she's your wife and has a hot body to show off? (Assuming they're good pictures) or are you disappointed a grown married women is acting this way? My opinion is that you need to definitely talk to her about this. I feel like it's very...Odd for a grown married woman to do. Well, for anyone to do that hasn't put in a down payment on their body just to show it off. I don't think it's worth a divorce, unless of course she's doing this because your relationship is lacking in some way. Best of luck guy, I'm sorry this has happened.

haekuh

Take a few days to explore your thoughts and repost.

You don't even tell us how you feel about what happened which tells me you aren't sure.

wandering__t

How long did you both actually knew each other and how long more do you think you want to wait and see before you confront her????

TheNeckbeardKing

Like her most recent photo and let it all unfold from there

scarletfire48

I've considered doing this. It seems like a rush, an easy way to feel beautiful and validated.. . I have not done it but I still might. It would have nothing to do with being with other men besides my boyfriend. If I do it I will be letting him know, hoping it will spice things up in our sex life which is already very good.. It would be strictly for positive attention and.... Selfish/self esteem reasons. I would NEVER direct message a soul though. That would certainly be crossing a line.

With that in mind, I don't think what your wife is doing is necessarily malicious. She may just not feel comfortable revealing these desires to you. It feels much more like a communication issue from over here.

LieBetweenTwoTruths

If she wasn't replying to the messages and was still receiving them without telling him it's still cheating.

Torterran

I think the best thing you can do is approach her first about why she does it. You can address all other issues after that, but understanding her motives will help a lot.

DesertEagleZapCarry

If it were me I would print some of the pics and responses and just bust them out at the table, her initial reaction is going to tell you a lot.

BoDurnam

I know snooping is bad, but you should snoop on your wife's devices. If you don't she will almost certainly trickle truth you when you confront her. What you can see on her public Instagram page is unlikely to be the limit of her online activities that you don't know about. You need to find the truth of these guys suggesting they are exchanging dms with her. You say her pics are very nearly naked? She probably has naked ones too, they just aren't on the page.

sejacobi009

As a woman, I would NEVER post pictures like that on the internet not only because I don’t rely on likes and comments for self-esteem, but mostly because that would be incredibly disrespectful to my boyfriend. I don’t feel the need to seek other’s approval to feel good about myself, but being in a good, respectful relationship means that I wouldn’t ever do anything that might make my bf uncomfortable, especially pictures that draw other males’ attention. I think it’s super unfair that she posted those pictures (which are clearly to draw other’s attention) because a. you didn’t know about them/approve! And b. because she’s obviously looking for other men to pay her compliments! She should be happy just having your eyes on her body, she shouldn’t need other guys ogling over her...

I am ALL ABOUT women empowerment and supporting women, but I’m a strong believer that posting risqué pics on instagram is all about attention. She clearly wants random guys’ attention and that’s plain wrong.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this!

naturelova29

Another woman here, and I totally agree with this!

This must be hard to go through, I’m sorry, but what she’s doing isn’t right...

Skearow

Thank you! I fail to see how stuff like this could ever be a positive confidence booster.

docturmishii

Coming from someone who used to do something similar, I think she really should have told you. I did the exact same thing on another website (just body no face) and got a pretty large following. It was just a confidence booster and it was even better when I told my current SO because he would be proud of having someone like me. It honestly depends on how to you take it. You have a right to feel hurt if you end up feeling hurt but fine out why and express that to her. After a while I stopped posting because I found more confidence sending stuff to my partner instead so who knows. If this is a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker.

A bunch of people on here are trying to say she didn't cheat, and I wholeheartedly disagree. She's posting explicit photos of herself online for the direct pleasure of men online, then interacting with those men via DM's. It's so fucking embarrassing for someone OP knows professionally to have found his wife's alter ego... any divorce court in the country would deny her alimony

Thrownthefaway89

Well dayum that’s shady. She’s seeking attention elsewhere. That’s a problem. What happens if one of those guys are local and it evolves to them meeting up. Fishing for compliments on social media can be an addiction and can get out of control. She’s not the woman you know or married and you need to confront her. She’s EMBARSSING you man. Stand up for yourself!!!

Me0wWatch

She’s probably getting paid for pictures. Men that pay women for this stuff can be called Pay Pigs. Look it up. I doubt she’s sleeping either them or doing it for attention. She might just be trying to make extra money. Still it’s pretty serious you don’t know it.

Bionicranger

What's her instagram account?

lemonylemin

It’s possible that if she’s shy and reserved this is a practice in embracing her own sexuality, for herself maybe. She might want to see herself in a more sexual light and might enjoy posting them in an anonymous way. But that’s just a benefit of the doubt guess

WombatBreeder

This is wrong, and depending on your tolerance, it's fair to call it cheating.

In my marriage, cheating is "interacting sexually" - so posting pictures & chatting with people falls under that. This profile I have is a joint one with my husband, even though I'm the one posting.

The biggest issue, however, is secrecy. She is so active - that's a big part of her life.

Here's what we did instead:

I asked if it was OK before even grabbing the Reddit name

we discussed our personal limits for weeks before posting

the first week I ran every single post by him for approval

asked his opinion before joining paywall sites

now he's pretty uninvolved but can still check in whenever by visiting or logging in himself

The minimum she could have done is telling you and asking you how much you were comfortable with - you can't fully control your wife, but concessions that allow her to experiment are easy (like posting together, not showing her face, no engaging in dirty talk, whatever it is for you).

The issue is not that she has the profile, but the secrecy and not respecting you enough to ask your opinion on it (or any boundaries you might have).

RainbowPhoenixGirl

It's OK to feel feelings; how you express them and interact with her is what makes them bad or good. Obviously you have to talk to her, and you do have a right to feel upset or any associated feelings like betrayal or similar. If you two are monogamous, or otherwise haven't discussed this as a part of your relationship, and if she's clearly making an effort to hide this, that would definitely make feeling deceived and betrayed valid. However, that still doesn't make it reasonable to, for instance, be violent - I'm not saying you would, but just remember that how YOU interact with her and the issue DOES matter and there ARE right ways and wrong ways to talk through it. You've not given any indication that would happen, don't worry - I'm just mentioning it because of how often people fail to realise how intense confrontations can be, and it can really mess up emotionally charged situations when either party reacts poorly.

Be willing to listen, even if what you're listening to is wrong or has hurt you. It doesn't mean you're saying she's in the right, but you can't understand her or fix the issue if you don't listen.

If you need to just... leave, stay with a friend for a while, then don't feel "weak" for needing to! It's valid to want to get away from someone who's hurt you, even your own wife - it doesn't even necessarily mean that your relationship is over, but space can help you process with the pain.

Obviously, don't hide your feelings. You ARE allowed to tell her how you feel; if she tries to guilt you out of feeling like you're allowed emotions, that is manipulation. Don't feel ashamed of being hurt or upset; if you cry then you cry, if you need space then you need space, if you need counselling then get it. You are not weak for asking for help and support, you're smart for doing that.

Dr_Bukkakee

I would make a fake account and flirt with her to see what her intentions are. Id try to find out if she’s just doing it for the attention or is she looking to meet up with guys. Because if you confront her you never know if you’ll get the truth. But this is just me and I know it won’t be popular but I would want to know the truth and feel this is the only way I’d get it.

OwlBeAHoot83

Nothing wrong with being an exhibitionist

alysrobi

Devil’s advocate here - are you really bothered by this? So, your wife enjoys her body and wants to show it off - lots of people do this, guys and girls. Maybe you find it surprising, but maybe it’s nothing at all to her.

If she’s DMing people, it’s another story. But if she’s just showing off, I don’t know, I think you’re making a big deal out of something ordinary.

easy916

Post a link to her account. When she get thousands of new followers from reddit then break the news to her.

charliemuffin

I would not say anything to her, and go book some appointments with a psychologist or sex therapist. Talking about leading a double life. I always told myself, it's always, the quiet, reserved ones you have to watch out for. They always lead double lives, sometimes maybe even triple lives. Your wife is looking for action and you are not enough so she is finding it in all the right places. Next thing you know, she's gonna meet these men and come home and give you an std. The pictures will get boring to her in time, she will escalate it. It's okay, some people are not homely, monogamous people. She was probably just trying to fit into society's standards. She is probably down for swinging. Maybe you need someone more like you. She'd make a fantastic CIA agent. You need to screenshot all those pics and keep it in a very secret place she can't access. If you ever divorce; hope you don't, but if you do, it's called evidence. The court system loves evidence.

Go fake an account. Message her, get a good looking friend she will never see, and have him meet her. Then pay your friend good money; needs to be loyal friend that won't snitch on you. Bug him and the motel room so he can record everything, and have the friend report back to you. Keep your mouth shut for now. Set up your plans as I mentioned first.

You married an undercover slut. Or a slut on the downlow.

If you want, you can put up public porn of yourself and let her find it. If your name is Johnny, call yourself Johnny Rocket or something. Just kidding.

505king

Lmao. Wifey living a double life. Bro it’s time to... end it

TiredFaceRyder

You dropped the ball on ‘lifey’

505king

Damn, yeah you right

juancarias

Quick! edit it in! it's not to late!

MajorBatarang

Good part is, you know she has a wild side now! My suggestion is: inquiry as to why she is doing it.

She might be wanting to experiment with some new type of sexual fantasy, or she might just be doing it because she likes the attention. Conservative girls (and I’m not talking about the political affiliation) often have a hidden wild side to themselves, and have never been able to reveal it.

I say work with her on it.

trebuchetfunfacts

Go stealthy. Make a fake account and DM her with something suggestive, see how she responds. Then you’ll know how to approach it

sfishbsea

Posting picture: uh sketchy but maybe it's okay

DMing the guys: cheating (in my book)

I mean, this is like a guy PMing and exchanging flirty messages or nudes with girls on Reddit. I think without prior discussion, most people draw the line here.

catboopers

Send her a follow request from your account. That should get the conversation flowing.

angelarm187

Figure out what those dm's are that's the most important thing right now. Her never mentioning anything about this at least to me is a red flag and who knows how far the rabbit hole goes.

ladyredridinghood

What matters here is how you feel about it, that it was hidden from you, and that she feels a need for this. I think it is possible this won't end your relationship if you can both talk about it openly and honestly.

Skiesofamethyst

Probably off topic, but my teacher who used to be a counselor told us about this woman who did stuff like this and also continuously cheated and she actually ended up having a diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, and she did it because she always felt she needed validation/attention and whatnot.

jimjamj

As she's pretty reserved, instead of saying "honey, sit down, we need to talk about something", I'd try to get some of her feelings out there in different ways. When you're fucking, try some dirty talk around exhibitionism, like "I bet you wish the whole neighborhood could watch you bounce like this", and see if she reacts positively to that. You can try different things, and if she likes something, escalate the talk on that subject. Eventually she'll feel comfortable or even compelled to say her own nasty shit lol. Once a lot of that is out, then you can "sit down and talk".

Another angle to get her to open up is to make your own fake insta and befriend her, try to chat with her. If you can build some trust, ask about her relationship with her hubby -- maybe she wishes he would do this or that, or take her somewhere and show her off, idk.

Or you could just tell her that you found her account, and that your very confused. Make sure you're not attacking her, as the natural response would be to get defensive.

You could also bring it up indirectly. Like, leave your laptop open with a bunch of naughty photos up, as if you'd set up a collage to masturbate too and forgot to close it, except some or all of the pics are of her. So then, it's clear to her that you found the pics, but, you're also exposing yourself in a way, like that situation could be even more embarrassing to you than it is to her, so like, she has some of the cards, and she might even bring it up with you.

Domomanz

TAKE SCREENSHOTS save it all for evidence, I bet she does talk to people who DM her seems like she’s craving attention.

RunawayGal

Idkmof anone has suggested this but could she secretly be a cam girl and be afraid of you being ashamed?

It might be something she does to boost her ego but it would be best to talk to her about it. I would be concerned about infidelity if there’s DM’s involved.

twinkler88

I'm curious how your coworker knew these photos were of your wife, assuming there was nothing but pictures of her butt, boobs, lingerie/thongs? Was her face included or..?

ImaLiberalSaint

Can you please provide me with her Instagram name? I feel like I could make a better effort to help you if I had the information.

CapitalTower

This is cheating. You need to try to get ahold of her phone or tablet and see if she has been direct messaging people before you bring it up with her. This is definitely worth divorcing over if it's a deal-breaker for you.

Kinkin50

I don’t think we can define it as cheating. OP can, but he doesn’t have to.

CapitalTower

You can define a duck as a horse if you want to, but this is 100 percent cheating.

thecapitalg

To you... it’s 100%
If it was strictly pictures and videos, no sex/sexting...Personally I’d mostly be upset that my partner was hiding something from me.

Kinkin50

Do you get to define what is cheating in my relationship? No, you don’t. It seems fair to say that most people would call it cheating, but 100%? That’s just not right.

tropical_and_chill

I don’t need even know about “most people”. It depends heavily on whether she’s actually messaging people on there (which I agree the majority would call cheating) or only posting pictures and that’s it.

JorahHill

You definitely need to talk to her about it. She is your wife. But it is entirely possible as some others have said she's just doing it for self esteem purposes, but you need to find out why and how you feel about it.

ballbuster5000

I think you should approach this with an open mind; I don’t think it would be productive or fair to shame her for this. It could be a great source of confidence for her and she didn’t know how to tell you. Your feelings are valid about having this hidden from you and the fact that she may be DMing with other men inappropriately. I will say though that it shouldn’t be surprising that she gets vulgar comments, so I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. It’s very possible she has a mature way of dealing with all of the attention and there may not be anything to worry about. I would suggest bringing it up without any aggression and with the intention of coming to an understanding.

Edit: If someone wants to explain the downvotes that’d be cool. Not sure I said anything provocative. Just from the lack of information it seems best to keep an open mind, but that doesn’t imply he shouldn’t be angry.

datingthrowaway33884

Not going to downvote, but are we going to just forget about the fact that she could be DMing other men leaving lewd comments that are not her husband? Honestly, if I were him, I couldn’t care less about her posting pics on the ‘Gram. However, if you’re having secret conversations with other men, we have a serious problem. That’s really not OK, and not worthy of an open mind, even if they were just trading My Little Pony pictures.

ballbuster5000

Absolutely, I 100% agree. I’m just giving her the benefit of the doubt. And if she is talking to other men, then everything about this is unacceptable and an entirely different situation. But no one here really has enough information, regardless, so jumping to the worst conclusion seems like women can’t enjoy showing off without cheating and that’s the issue I’m addressing.

datingthrowaway33884

I understand. I hope it’s not the latter.

YeahOKWhateverDude

She lost the benefit of the doubt when she hid it from him.

ballbuster5000

So then go ahead and jump to conclusions. I’m sure that will work out well for you.

YeahOKWhateverDude

Giving her the benefit of the doubt is jumping to conclusions as well. They're just conclusions that are favorable to her. All I am suggesting is that one doesn't jump to conclusions that are favorable to her because...she hid it from him and the act of hiding something implies something else is going on.

ballbuster5000

Perhaps it’s also a conclusion, but I’d argue it’s a far more mature one, and I think as his wife she deserves the benefit of the doubt before accusing her of the worst. People can hide stuff for the dumbest and most innocent reasons. I just don’t agree with going into it assuming she’s cheating, as that assumption usually implies, again, you think women only show themselves off for other men.

Missmel18

This! If she finds happiness and enjoys sharing photos of herself, there is nothing wrong with it. She may get confidence from it!

NakedStreets

I think there’s something very wrong with putting your spouse in the position of hearing about your naked photos from a coworker.

ballbuster5000

Absolutely. That’s not fair to him. My point is more for people who think posting anything suggestive on instagram is indecent in itself.

MaryToddLinkedIn

Nobody here is saying that

ballbuster5000

There are several comments that have implied that.

SethMatrix

It is indecent when you have a husband who you're married to.

ballbuster5000

It’s only indecent because she didn’t tell him

countchoculitits

It is wrong because she’s been hiding it from her husband. Just because it makes her feel good doesn’t make it ok.

ballbuster5000

No one said she was handling it perfectly; it can be hard to be vulnerable with those closest to you, and I think the most important thing is being understanding. I think these kinds of explorations can be hard to bring into a “vanilla” relationship, and the fear of judgement can be a real divider.

Edit: AGAIN, not implying she’s innocent at all. He has every right to be mad about her hiding this from him.

Missmel18

Is she deliberately hiding or just not saying anything? Why do you think she’s hiding it?

countchoculitits

For most relationships this would be considered completely inappropriate. This sort of situation should absolutely be mentioned in the beginning of a relationship. Otherwise at the very least it’s lying my omission. If I was doing this I know my boyfriend would consider this cheating and I can’t say I’d blame him. To each their own I guess though.
Ultimately OP gets to decide how he feels about it, and if he’s genuinely mad then I don’t think he’s in the wrong for that. I don’t think not being judgements applies to this situation.

Missmel18

I think this is a trust issue. If OP feels he is being lied to, he doesn’t trust his partner. At the end of the day, that’s whats going to destroy a relationship, not the instagram account. Possibly she doesn’t trust him either, if she hasn’t shared this part of her life with him.

countchoculitits

I’d say the account is giving him a reason not to trust her. However. I think you and I share fundamental differences in opinions, so agree to disagree.

JKristine35

Um, he is being lied to. She hid this huge part of her life from him for a year. She is not trustworthy, and the fact that there’s evidence she’s been messaging these men privately suggests she’s also cheating. It’s not his fault that she lies and hides things from him. That’s the same bullshit excuse my boyfriend used to justify hiding an emotional affair from me.

anillop

I think he would be more than justified in not trusting her at this point. She has been hiding and lying about this for a long time now. She is communication with these guys and most people would consider that a form a emotional cheating if his suspicions are correct.

YeahOKWhateverDude

He doesn't trust her because she lied about it. Lying by omission is a thing you know and something as large as posting nudes with your face in it to the point that your husband is embarrassed at work is pretty freaking big and a very valid reason not to trust her.

dreamed-a-dream

Failing to disclose its existence and failing to ask her husband if he's okay with it is deliberately hiding it.

canonetell66

Maybe she’s using Instagram as her “porn”. She can post suggestive pics and get anonymous comments to make her feel hot. Then she takes all that hotness out on you when you get home.

dreamed-a-dream

You might be onto something...if OP hadn't specifically mentioned that his wife remains conservative/reserved around him. She's reserving that part of herself for her insta followers, not her husband.

saudelobaes

Most generous explanation: She has an exhibitionism fetish, has her whole life, was raised to think sex is wrong and is ashamed of it. She hides it from you because she thinks that you will think she's an awful, dirty slut who deserves to die alone, then burn in hell with all the other harlots.

If she were more comfortable with her sexuality, maybe she would have said something to you, and you could have worked out ways to engage in it in healthy and mutually satisfying ways. Instead she's "in the closet" so-to-speak, acting her fetish out in secret.

Again, this is the most generous explanation, but it's something I see happen play out constantly.

tigermomo

I would write to her on a fake account of my own and see what she is up to to gather additional "evidence". I'd figure out the truth and then rationally confront her.

I couldn't front to her for a moment if I knew this was happening. Your workmate could be a client on the side. This is extremely naive of her.

Kinkin50

Tbh I’d be somewhat enthusiastic if I found my reserved wife was exploring her wilder side. Especially if I got to reap the benefits in terms of increased enthusiasm. It’s be a deal-breaker for some, but not for me.

ETA: Getting killed here, but I am just expressing my own opinion. OP can certainly treat this as cheating if he wants to, but he doesn’t have to. I don’t think I would. I’m surprised there is so much disagreement.

inyobizzness

OP in no way suggests that his wife has changed her attitude in their bedroom so if she’s exploring her wilder side then her Instagram followers are the only ones reaping the benefits

dreamed-a-dream

Tbh I’d be somewhat enthusiastic if I found my reserved wife was exploring her wilder side.

I most certainly would not be enthusiastic if I found my reserved wife was exploring her wild side with anyone that wasn't me.

Maintaining the conservative facade with her husband but being suggestive and naughty with randos on instagram is very, very not okay.

ballbuster5000

Although counterintuitive, I think sometimes it can be hardest to be vulnerable with those closest to you. She could be dying to let him know and be “wild” with him, but fears judgement. It can be easy to express yourself like this with strangers who don’t know you.

On the other hand, it’s totally possible she’s just looking for novelty and uses it as an excuse to talk to men which would be very wrong and inexcusable. I think keeping from jumping to concluding is what’s important here though because it really could go either way.

inyobizzness

Neither is a valid excuse to hide this from her husband.

dreamed-a-dream

Yeah, it does bear remembering that no matter the rationale, doing this behind her husband's back is unacceptable.

ballbuster5000

Providing a reason that puts things into perspective doesn’t justify what she does, but it could make it more palatable. Never meant to imply she handled this well.

NakedStreets

it can be hardest to be vulnerable with those closest to you.

Somehow I doubt their marriage vows included the phrase, “unless it is hard.”

ballbuster5000

But the point is it will be hard and people make mistakes, I would assume that at least attempting to reconcile with your partner when they fuck up could be reasonable for something that probably wasn’t malicious (unless she really is talking to other men).

dreamed-a-dream

I'm well aware of the existence of this phenomenon, it's basically the female version of the Madonna/whore complex, and it's every bit as idiotic and damaging as the male version. A 31 year old should have that kind of stuff well sorted.

ballbuster5000

Oh I didn’t realize I was trying to have a conversation with a bigot. Never mind! Carry on.

Kinkin50

I did say that opinions would vary, I was only stating my own opinion. If this is a big deal to OP I think that is fine;if it isn’t, that would be fine too.

boihanoi113

Yeah? Exploring behind her partner's back is not beneficial for the relationship. I wonder what would happen if she wants something o p doesn't want.

Kinkin50

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I don’t think we know enough to say.

victoriaa_7799

I’d make a fake account and DM her and see what happens. But that’s just me.

anillop

Except she isn't doing it for you she is only doing it for other people. There are no benefits to gain from this.

Kinkin50

She is doing it for herself. If it makes her happier and more in tune with her own sexuality, I am not immediately against it.

anillop

If she was honest with him that would be one thing but she isn't and is hiding it from him and going behind his back.

anillop

Man wait until someone at your work finds the account (they almost always do) that will be fun.

vcabalda

She's looking for something that she's not getting from you - attention. Step it up and get back in the game.

LazyOtis

This may be one of those situations where your wife doesn't feel like you give her enough attention, compliments, things like that. Do you tell her she's beautiful and make comments on how attractive she looks often? If not she may be doing this to get the affection she doesn't receive from you.

While this isn't an excuse it may help in shedding some light on the situation, and maybe help you in understanding where she is coming from even though it is wrong.

dreamed-a-dream

That's the same rationale that a lot of people who cheat use, and it's bullshit there just as it is here.

ihavacoolname

It depends on what the standards in your relationship are. Is she just doing it to feel better about herself? Is it done in an unfaithful spirit? Can it be worked out to the point that you trust her? Do you trust yourself to be able to make that call about her?

It's not necessarily a dealbreaker that she was doing her own thing, but if it was done in an unfaithful spirit, I would say you can't trust her unless it was only mild unfaithfulness, like flirting, that she did because she's having a hard time. If that's the case, then something would need to be resolved.

sejacobi009

Glad you agree! I find my opinion to be not so popular in most cases bc of how prominent social media is these days and how much people rely on it for personal gratification. I think a lot of people disregard respect for themselves and their partner just for “likes,” and it creates huge problems (especially with trust) in relationships, as we’re seeing here.

peterpetertampaeater

Surreal- that's how I feel reading your post about your wife on Instagram. I've read that some guys actually get turned on by their wives doing stuff like this. If you do good luck to you. If you don't please take my advice. If you have kids together then my advice is to sit down with your wife and ask her why she is doing it. Try to get her to talk because if you shut her down you will never get to the truth. If you do not have kids my advice is to get an attorney to find out your legal options to protect yourself. Your best bet if you do not have kids is to get out asap. Don't try to figure it out because it will just lead to pain. Good luck.

KyttenMaster

Bullshit. I call bullshit. Whatevs

justboredn

Go home and tell her you're aware of her account then tell her you're disappointed... then proceed to punish-fuck her lol. No, but really, I'm sorry. That really sucks!