Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I took a needed break from the blogging world for awhile. I've been trying to catch up on what's going on with everyone. I'm so grateful this blogging world exists. There are so many going through the same things I am. I also appreciate the varying levels and degrees of everyone's situation. I feel like I can go back in time with some of you where you are now, contemplating marriage, or I can go forward in time with some of you who have been married many more years than myself. Some of you have made not so good choices I might have made had it not been for your example (sorry to take advantage of your bad choices). I selfishly like to see the outcome of your decisions, weigh the consequences and make choices for myself, based on your examples. I also enjoy the loving support from all of you. I'm always amazed at the caring responses I get when I am in trouble or headed down a path that will only lead to further unhappiness. You guys are great, and I feel honored to be a part of your lives. Thank you for sharing some of your most intimate thoughts and feelings with seemingly total strangers. I hope that I can meet some of you someday and thank you in person.

On another note, I went to the doctor yesterday with an embarrassing situation. I have an infection located in a very private part of my body. I've been going to this doctor for about a year now. He's young and good looking, although I'm not really attracted to him. He knows a little about my SSA. I was dreading having to undress in front of him and expose myself. I know, he's a doctor and sees naked guys every day, but the only time I ever undress in front of other guys is at the gym, and the room is full of naked guys. At the doctor, it's just me and him, and he's not taking his clothes off anytime soon for me. So he said let's take a look and I began to unbutton my pants and pull them down while he sits in a chair in front of me, with me standing. His eye level is right at my crotch. He sits there and looks, doesn't touch and tells me what I've got and what to do. By this time, I can barely talk I'm so nervous. My voice quivers as I respond to his questions. I'm sure he could tell that I was way nervous. When he was done looking, I quickly dressed and sat down, my heart still racing.

So what was that all about? Why was I so nervous? He's my doctor. We're both adults. I wasn't necessarily aroused in any way, but I could have been if I had thought about it. In fact I did think about it while waiting for him in the room alone. I started to get a little aroused, making me even more nervous, so I quickly redirected my thoughts. But I failed to regain my composure. I get nervous just thinking about it all over again. Do you guys have this same experience at the doctor? I hate it, but at the same time, would enjoy doing it all over again. It has made me reevaluate my self-control and my intentions. Do straight guys have any problem exposing themselves to their doctors? Maybe I'm just really shy. But in some weird twisted way, even though I was way nervous, I wish it would have lasted longer. Of all the dumb things we have to deal with as gay men, trying to live a straight life. I can't even go to the doctor without it becoming a defining event in my gay little world.

4 comments:

I've been on a blog break recently for lots of reasons, but I'm glad to be back for a lot of the reasons you mentioned.

I've had the experience you've mentioned with doctors from both sides of the situation. I have never managed to be examined without finding the situation really uncomfortable and/or arousing and/or embarrassing.

I usually don't know whether the guys I've examined are straight or not, but pretty much all of them are reluctant to drop their pants. It's private, after all. There are some who try to make a big show of not caring, but I think they all do to an extent. But really, after the awkwardness, it's just a plain old health care situation. There's a point, and once the purpose is met, that's it. So, when you've been through the experience once or twice, from whatever side, you realize that there's nothing more to it.

I'm relatively new to this corner of the blogging world and just discovered your blog a couple of days ago. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. I was having this problem a couple of years ago that required me to drop my pants on multiple occassions for multiple doctors including a 1/2 hour ultrasound and it was uncomfortable everytime. When I was having my pre-mission physical at the BYU health center, and an older woman doctor did the old turn your head and cough number on me. Afterward, she was listening to my heart and started asking me if I had any history of arrhythmias or tachycardia because my heart was beating so fast--she even brought in a cardiologist to examine me, but by the time he got there, I was fine. So yeah, it's happened to me with a doctors of both genders.