How To Have An Orgasm
During Sex or Masturbation

Sexual intercourse

Having sex does not necessarily
mean having sexual intercourse.

There are plenty of other forms
of sexual activity which a couple can enjoy, all of which may or may not
give you an orgasm, and all of which may or may not take the place of
sexual intercourse for a couple during a session of sex.

In other words, sex does not begin and end
with intercourse, though it is fair to say that for most men it
is an important aspect of their sexual lives.

But it can be very freeing to get away from
the belief that makes sexual intercourse the most important (or
even the only valid) form of sexual activity between a couple.

It may also take away pressure - both
physical and emotional - if a couple decide to stop having sexual
intercourse every time they get sexual and instead substitute
masturbation, oral sex, cuddling, massage, sucking, licking, kissing and
other forms of foreplay.

This may well enable men with
premature ejaculation to control themselves much better, and to enable
men with delayed ejaculation to reach a level of arousal at which they
can comfortably ejaculate.

It follows from this that there is
absolutely no reason to feel inhibited or guilty about not wanting
sexual intercourse!

If a man has erection problems, or a woman is
menstruating, sexual intercourse may not be desirable or possible,
anyway, and it's at times like these that you need to substitute other
activities.

Let's be honest about this: an orgasm which comes from a session of
loving interaction such as oral pleasure or manual stimulation can be
almost satisfying as an
orgasm you have through sexual intercourse. Perhaps even more so, at
least some of the time....

What may be different - especially for men - is
the psychological and emotional associations of penetration, dominance,
thrusting and so on.

That does not matter. Not having intercourse may make the next session of
sexual intercourse even more exciting! The point is that there is
nothing wrong with not having sexual intercourse and putting other
activities in its place.

It's also important to know that sexual
intercourse does not generally
make a woman
give way to orgasm without additional clitoral stimulation. So if you're having
sex, and you're not reaching orgasm, don't worry!

The best way to get around this is to ensure that the
man knows how to give a woman an orgasm, and that she knows the way he
likes to be pleasured.

How a man can give a woman an orgasm

Very
few women do reach orgasm during intercourse,
and it appears that most who claim to have an orgasm during intercourse
do so because they or their partner is stimulating their clitoris.

It's actually quite natural not to have an orgasm
during sex - the pleasure for a woman may come from seeing her partner
enjoy sex so much, feeling her desirability (it can be very important
for a woman's self-esteem to know that she has this sexual power over a
man), seeing and feeling him ejaculate inside her, and so on.

As long as she gets an orgasm at some point, through
manual play (masturbation, to be less coy) or oral sex, then all is
well.

The fact that you do not
reach orgasm during intercourse does not mean that your lover's
penis is too small or too big, your clitoris is too small or too
big, you're unresponsive, unattractive, sexually shutdown,
inhibited, insensitive or unloving.....or anything else, either.

You need, as always, to talk to your
partner about what the issues are for you both in sexual intercourse and
how you reach orgasm.....so think about these things:

How do you feel if sex
does not include intercourse?

What does sexual intercourse mean to you - is it a sign of love? Is it a
sign of commitment?

What is the significance that leads you to put such an importance on
sex?

Does sexual
intercourse lead to you feeling emotionally more connected to your
partner?

What do you enjoy about sexual intercourse besides the physical pleasure
of penetration (e.g. greater intimacy, satisfying your partner, feeling
him inside you)?

How important do you think it is for the man to
ejaculate - and how does it feel if that happens outside your vagina?

How do you both feel if the female partner has an
orgasm but this does not take place during intercourse?

While it can be hard to get over the idea that
intercourse is the most important (perhaps even the only genuine form of
sexual expression), the reality is that there are many valid ways to
enjoy sexual intimacy, and provided a couple have a close emotional
relationship, these alternatives are just as enjoyable as sexual intercourse (though
they may feel different). There are of course many other possible scenarios for a couple around
sexual intercourse! The man may like it, the woman not so much.

The woman may see it as the ultimate form of
connection, the man as a quick way of releasing the sexual tension he
feels.

Sexual intercourse carries a lot of emotional
significance, so spend a little time now just thinking about what it
actually means to you both, what it signifies, and what meanings you
derive from it and how these relate to your relationship. So does being
able to enjoy sex with some grace and enjoyment.

Sex can be a way of expressing emotion, care,
concern, affection, and also of "saying" things that are unspoken within
the relationship.

If you can attune your sexual responses to each
other, then you have a much better chance of communicating all the
things which sex means for you.

Hence, as always, we come back to the importance of
direct and open communication in your relationship.

As the process of sexually unfolding
proceeds for you, you will discover new things about your sexual needs
which you did not know before you started this program.

This may mean you need to adapt your
sexual pleasures to accommodate these discoveries - for example, you may
need to change the way you have sexual intercourse so that it
accommodates both partners'
feelings of love and sexual desires....a man may want to have
rear entry sex, for example, because he finds it so exciting, while this
may be a challenge for a woman who feels as though she is being made
into a sex object by what she sees as the impersonal nature of this form
of intercourse.

Orgasm and sexual intercourse

If you desire to have orgasm during intercourse,
there are several ways you can give way and yield to the process, making
it more likely you will have an orgasm when you make love.

First of all, how far have you got? Are you currently enjoying orgasms?
If not, then all that means is that you need to go back and repeat some
of the steps earlier in the program.

If you are enjoying greater levels of sexual arousal
and orgasm at least some of the time, then you are well on the way to
your goal of becoming fully orgasmic. It doesn't matter how you are
achieving your orgasms.

Do more of what is working for you - whether this is
with your partner or on your own.

You may find it easier to be
aroused
when you have nobody to think about other than yourself. Or you may find
the presence of your partner exciting and stimulating.

It's helpful not to have intercourse until you are able to feel some
sexual arousal for at least some of the time. Being orgasmic is not
necessary, though - you can enjoy intercourse with or without orgasm.

Of course, if you feel it is best for you to go ahead
and enjoy intercourse without arousal or orgasm, then please do
so....but if you are not aroused, then do try to use some lube that will
make the experience more pleasurable for you and your partner if you are
not already producing adequate natural vaginal lubrication.

Sexual intercourse and you - the
route to orgasm
Remember that there is no pressure to perform here. This is not about
having an orgasm every time you have intercourse. Indeed, the less
pressure you feel, the more relaxed you will be and the better your
sexual experience is likely to be.

As you become more sexually aware,
more orgasmic, you will enjoy sex more and more and find that your
arousal increases and you slip naturally into the experience of sex.

But until then, you may find that
various feelings and emotions come up which make it hard for you to
enjoy sex fully.

Suppose, for example, that
feelings associated with past negative experiences of sex come up: the
easiest way to deal with these is to talk to your partner about them and
express them, rather than hold them inside.

Discharging them is much healthier and more likely to assist you
in
letting go of sexual inhibitions. In addition, sharing your feelings will
bring you closer as a couple, and it may also help you to achieve your
objective of reaching orgasm.

Another aspect of sex which you may find difficult is that you may come
into conflict with your partner about his or her sexual needs and
wishes. Sometimes men wish to have sexual pleasure without giving it in
return.

It is a fact that within a
relationship, the giving and receiving of orgasm is not one partner's
prerogative.

A man needs
to know how to give a woman an orgasm, and a woman needs to know
how to give a man an orgasm.

Sometimes one partner holds a belief
or a desire which he or she is not willing to relinquish, even though it
conflicts with the other partner's feelings and emotions.

Sometimes you just have to learn to
live with these differences; sometimes you need to try and work out a
compromise; sometimes, one partner may decide that it is necessary to
give something up or to do something for the sake of the relationship.

Here are some general guidelines
which may help you when you face a situation like this:

Remember that you are not changing your lover, you are seeking a change
in your relationship. You have probably no right to expect a person to change
their ways just to suit you, nor should you expect to be able to change them
(a frequent mistake made by women)! If you tell a person what's wrong with them, and why they
should change, you are not in
any way likely to alter their behavior, thoughts, feelings and attitudes
(except possibly to make them more hostile towards you)!
You may well cause a lot of resentment. People don't like being told to
change. And it's not the way the human mind works, either - a much
better approach is
to set out a plan to contribute to change in the relationship, so that
the process becomes a common goal.

If you agree with your partner
that certain things need to be changed, then that is the place to
start. As you work on the common ground, the other areas of your
relationship where you can seek change will emerge naturally and in their
own time.

Set out a clear plan for change
in your relationship - be sure that you have specific objectives, and
you know how to express them clearly. If you wanted your partner to be
more considerate of your need for foreplay, for example, you might
say: "I want you to cuddle for thirty minutes before we start
touching each other sexually" rather than "I need more foreplay!"

Rather than try and change a
large aspect of the situation, you could start by working on small
chunks of the problem. Small changes build up over time into large
changes, and they may be more acceptable and less threatening to your
partner.

Make sure that the lines of
communication and understanding remain open. Discuss what works for
you and what doesn't work for you with your partner, and express your
feelings, including any discouragement as well as
optimism. It's also helpful to express in a clean, direct, honest way what you
feel about yourself and your partner, though this should be done
without blame or resentment.

Be sure to find the right way
to express your appreciation for your partner and what they are doing
to co-operate on the work you are doing together. It may be a word, a
gesture, an act; but if you know each other well and take the time to
reflect on what is significant to your partner, it won't be hard to
find a way of expressing your gratitude.

And of course don't forget
that we often miss the things we are doing which are causing
disharmony and disruption. You do have some responsibility to modify
your own thoughts, feelings, actions and behavior in this situation,
and the way to do this is to agree with your partner what they see as
needing input from you. You can discuss with them what objectives you
should be striving for.

Suppose that you don't always
agree on what needs to change? Do you see your partner as blocking
your progress in some way? Can you discuss this with them? If not, can
you go to couples therapy together to get the issue dealt with
rapidly and effectively?

Physical issues and problems around
intercourse

It's odd but it's a fact - men worry about penis size
- a lot! And to make things a bit more equal, we should acknowledge that
some women think their vagina is too small.

While it is true that
penis size and vagina size do
vary, there is almost never a real problem. Rather, these are things
onto which people project their deep sexual worries and concerns, so
much that the issues can come to have a real existence and occupy the
minds of the man and woman concerned.

If you are still worried about the physical anatomy
of sex, let's look at some facts. The vagina is a potential space rather
than a hollow tube, a space which opens out when a penis enters it.

No vagina is too large - even if you feel that there is room to spare
inside your vagina, you can always use Kegel exercises to tighten the
musculature and grip your lover's penis more tightly. This will give the
man more pleasure and may prompt the woman to yield to her own orgasm.

As for length, the
vagina expands to accommodate all but the very longest of penises. There
are many good sexual
positions here for men and women where the man has a large penis.

And if sexual difficulties still prevail, they may
not be entirely due to penis size. Often some kind of sexual dysfunction
is affecting sexual performance - anorgasmia or delayed climax in the
case of the man. And other issues can prevent a couple achieving high
levels of sexual satisfaction.

Overcoming sexual dysfunction is not hard but
requires persistence, though it lets you find new areas of sexual skills
to try with your partner, and you should therefore enjoy sex much more
than ever before. Giving sexual pleasure - especially bringing a woman
to orgasm - is not too difficult.

While it is true that women may prefer a thick penis
to a thin one, because this stretches the vagina and gives a feeling of
fullness, penis size is much less important in general to women than men
think it is.

For a woman, the joy of sex is not just about
feeling her vagina filled with a penis, but also centers on the
emotional connection, the intimacy, and the expression of love. This is
why it is important for them that a man knows how to give a woman an
orgasm. The fact he takes the
time and trouble means he loves her....

Vagina and penis size

And since the clitoris is the main organ behind a
woman's orgasm - and that's true for almost all women - the size of the
penis inside her vagina is rather irrelevant to her chances of reaching
orgasm and enjoying sexual intercourse.

What this all amounts to is that the pleasure of sex
is not just a physical thing, it's much more about how you connect with
each other and how you relate to each other than anything else.

If you have any kind of pain during intercourse then
it can be serious or it can be trivial: it may be a sign of an
infection, or it could just be that the angle of the penis in the vagina
during thrusting doesn't quite suit you. If you think you have any kind
of infection, then certainly you should see a doctor.

As for
dyspareunia, a name given to a wide group of
conditions which manifest as painful intercourse, the most common
problem is that a woman is tense during intercourse, as a result of
which her vaginal muscles are tight - this can make penetration
uncomfortable.

A combination of
Kegel exercises and relaxation just
before sex may help you to achieve orgasm. However muscular reactions
like dyspareunia are often due
to aversive events - perhaps sexual abuse during childhood - which need
therapy to alleviate their effects.

Having said that, you should always bear in mind that
sometimes the simple solution is the best - is this a question of
needing more lube? If so, choose a good artificial lube and use plenty
of it.

And if it helps you to feel relaxed, take control
during sex: guide your lovers' penis into your vagina with your hand,
and take it in at a rate with which you feel comfortable.

Try a slight bearing down with your vaginal muscles
during penile insertion. This may help because you cannot tighten your
vaginal muscles at the same time as you bear down with them.

There are certain positions which make insertion
easier. For example, the female on top positions make insertion easier,
and you can then move into any other position you choose before you
begin thrusting and lovemaking proper (although, why not stay in the
woman on top position?)

All of these things take some practice, so don't
worry if you feel awkward initially. This is only natural! Slow, gentle
foreplay and talking things over with your partner before sex may be
enough to cure the problem.

If not - you may wish to see a doctor who can treat
the condition or a therapist who can take you deeper into the issues
underlying these sexual problems.

When you're a man discovering how to give a woman an
orgasm, you may find that giving her a peak
sexual experience is harder than you think.

Enjoy Sexual Intercourse
More - Giving A Woman The Orgasms She Desires

You may not be surprised to
learn that men often enjoy sexual intercourse more than women.
However, pleasure taken from sex depends very much on the couple, and the level of comfort
that each member of the couple has with sex. It's also about the
simple mechanics of sex - the penis does not stimulate the
clitoris during thrusting, so the woman gets less physical
pleasure from this than the man gets as his penis thrusts in her
vagina.

There is of
course no reason why a couple should not use a finger or two, or
a sex toy like a vibrator, on a woman's clitoris to give her
additional pleasure during intercourse. Please be aware that
this need for extra stimulation is normal. Most women need it if
they are to reach orgasm during intercourse.

And in fact most couples will get to their orgasms in this way:
the man will have an orgasm during intercourse, while the women
reaches orgasm during oral play or masturbation beforehand.

Why all this fuss around having an
orgasm during sex? Well, a lot of this has to do with misinformation.

Many women are taught, or absorb
the knowledge, that the vagina is the primary female sexual organ. The
clitoris tends to be much less well-known and appreciated!

However, it is the clitoris that is the
route to sexual pleasure for the great majority of women. Stimulating
the clitoris during intercourse is more or less the same as stimulating
the penis for a man.

If you
find that intercourse alone is enough for you and you don't need
clitoral stimulation to get pleasure from intercourse (whether
you have already had an orgasm or not) it's always a good idea
to be as aroused as possible before intercourse commences.

And be sure to let your
partner know how hard and fast you would like him to thrust -
that way, you can maintain your arousal at the high level that
will give you more pleasure.

When you switch from finger play with
your clitoris to intercourse, you may feel that your arousal has dropped
- that's why it is a good idea to keep stimulating the clitoris so that
you can enjoy ongoing arousal.

If you want to rely on vaginal thrusting alone to maintain your
arousal, then it is likely that you will want your man to be
able to continue thrusting for long periods before he
ejaculates.

Remember that men will not know what you desire at
any particular time - for example, you may feel in need of different
kinds of stimulation at different times in your monthly cycle.

In all cases you should feel free to communicate your
desires to your partner so that he can give you the pleasure you wish
from sex, whether this involves additional clitoral stimulation or not
during intercourse.

What of simultaneous
orgasm?

The idea of simultaneous orgasm is a
nice, romantic one, but very few couples actually enjoy the pleasure of
simultaneous coming during sex. Indeed, trying to make this happen can
lead to you getting hung up on timing, who's going faster and who's
going slower, what to do if you aren't both as aroused as each other,
and so on.

The pressure this produces can
interrupt the natural flow of events towards a successful sexual
outcome, and can lessen your sexual pleasure. That's the way a man can
successfully give a woman an orgasm.

Trying to hold back if you are
getting more aroused than your partner can result in your natural
progression towards orgasm coming to an end altogether.

Sex tends not to work so well when
you are thinking more about your partner's pleasure than your own
(unless you are taking in in turns, one at a time, to reach orgasm).

For women in particular,
focusing on things like when you're going to reach orgasm may in fact
prevent you from having one at all!

Of course it can be great to have a simultaneous orgasm - just don't
expect it all the time, and when it happens, enjoy it for what it is. At
other times, take pleasure in the fact that your partner is having their
orgasm and support them as they bask in the joy of that experience.