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Sunday, 12 February 2012

THE GOOD MOTHER

I have been a
mother to a handsome smart boy for over eight years now and became a mother all
over again some two years ago to another bundle of joy, my second son. All
along I thought I was doing a great job of being a mother but then doubts have
begun to assail me because of all the criticism and suggestions that seem to
flow freely from all around. So, the thought what entails being a good mother,
has been troubling me for a while. What was it that I was not doing? Criticism
though well-meaning and well placed can be very hurting and brings about loads
of self doubt.

Does every
action that you take as a parent warrant close scrutiny? Well that’s what all
the parenting guides and information on the net will have you believe. If they
are to be blindly trusted you have to be a supermom who just like Superman
flies about doing 1000 things at one time, has X-ray vision to see through all,
has looks to die for and above all has the time to romance the love of her
life. Well, that’s a tall order by anyone’s standards. Either I will have to
employ a whole battery of people to help me or just fall apart.

Will I have
to be from the planet Krypton to prove that I am a good mother? Well the fact
is I never aspired to be a supermom…but the flip side of the coin is that I am
one of those mothers and individuals who wants to be the one who can pack it
all in. And that maybe is why I suffer from guilt time to time.

In real life,
moms get stressed and lose patience. Sometimes, we yell (a lot). But one of the
things that most people and experts forget to mention [and I’ve experienced it]
is that children are very resilient. And like I read somewhere, “they know that
when you act in love that you’re acting on their behalf.”

Mothers are
sensitive and comments like “your child is a little thin, isn’t he?” and the
fact that you are not teaching them something or the other almost every minute
of the day and spending quality time with your children every single minute can
lead to some very anxious moments. But even knowing that it is not easy to let
hurtful and snide comments slide by and not feel guilty, I have begun to
realise that it is best to do exactly that!

However, like
an article on the net mentions, doing what you believe is best for your
children and your family, makes you a good mother, no matter whether it fits into
anyone else’s standard or not. There will always be decisions you make that
others will be able to find fault with. I am sure most people know how that
feels.

Then what is
it really that I as a mom have to do to be a good mother?

Aside from
keeping them physically comfortable, I believe what is of the essence is to see
the love and sparkle in my children’s eyes. For me, the hugs they give me, the
laughter they share with me, the trust they repose in me, says it all. When they
want to sleep in my arms and want me to wipe away their tears and when they
call out to me when they have slipped and fallen at play and are hurting is
what the bond between a mother and her children is all about.

Deborah
Linggi, a communications consultant from San Diego and mother of a 5-year-old
son, says that slowing down the day-to-day juggling and negative self-talk lets
her be in the moment with her son. That’s when the self-doubt fades and it
becomes easy to tune in to what really matters. “We laugh and I look into his
eyes and I see the sparkle, and he gives me a hug and I know he loves me. I
feel that this is a solid, loving, [and] bonded, mother-child relationship and
it feels good.”

At the end of
it all we mothers need to dig in our heels and remember that our commitment
needs to be only and only with our children. As mothers we have to be
comfortable with the decisions we have made for our children, learn from our
mistakes and children (for there is a lot they can teach us about ourselves and
our values) and be aware of the fact that the only one we have to answer to is
our children, later in life.

2 comments:

Nirja dear,Good to see your creative juices flowing again. And as usual, you have picked a topic which a lot of us humans need to worry about as there is no childcare manual or a parent help-page given to us, or so we think! If one looks at things as they are, one realises that He who created us all, also gave us all that we need to go through life, such is His grace and compassion. Even before a child is born, He prepares for the child’s advent into the world by creating milk in the child’s mother! In our early years, when we are helpless, He causes our parents to look after our needs of hygiene and feeding and moving from one place to another. And in old age, when we are once again infirm and unable to do much on our own, He motivates our children, now grown to maturity, or some other humans, to look after us! So, did He forget to equip His most favourite creation with the wherewithal to rear their future generations? Where is this manual or help-page I hinted at above? Animal parents never go wrong in upbringing their young ones because they are guided by instinct which is naturally inborn in them; they cannot go against this infallible guidance even if they wanted to. Humans, on the other hand have been given discretion, the freedom of choice. The Compassionate One has also given us such a guide, a guide that never, ever goes wrong. But, He has also given us freedom to either listen to that little inner voice or to ignore it! Why? Well that’s a whole other story which I’ll tell you by and by. But, I feel, we need to learn to listen to our intuition once again and we will never ever go wrong. The first thought that comes to our mind in any situation is the right one, the remaining are the result of our logical, reasoning minds, which, I am afraid are best ignored as someone has said, “we are condemned by reason not to understand reality”. Logic and reason are of the conditioned mind; intuition, on the other hand is His pure guidance.Also, as you have rightly concluded, whatever you do can be found fault with, so be attentive to that little voice and let the rest be, you will be much happier.One other thing before I end, do not worry that your children don’t listen to you, worry that they see you”. You want your child to do something, first set the example by doing it yourself. Remember, humans learn mostly through imitation!I leave you with the following little composition of anonymous origin, I found on the internet: My promise to my children – as long as I live – I am your Parent 1st, your Friend2nd. I will stalk you, flip out on you,Lecture you, drive you insane, be yourWorst nightmare and hunt you down like aBloodhound when needed because ILOVE YOU! When you understand that,I will know you are a responsible adult.You will NEVER find someone whoLoves, prays, cares and worries about youMore than I do! If you don’t hate meOnce in your life – I am not doing my job properly.

I often tell my children, "Small or grown-up, doesn't matter, you can't take away my right as a parent to worry about you.. because I love you ." and it's OK..because children too worry about parents..they may however, be less vocal..and it is normal for a mother to feel guilty because she will always feel having done less for her children.as long as - like respected Agony says - you are doing your best it's alright..

About Me

An individual full of contradictions can only hope that life in words will pave a way for a harmonious yet challenging life.
I began writing this blog hopeful that many more will find this a space where they could vent and share their innermost feelings especially those who are CEOs of their own work space; work space created with love and warmth, their home office.