Beautiful, wise leaders impose controls on ugly, stupid press

Three wonderful leaders of the greatest country in the world have valiantly defeated the press, we are pleased to report with no outside influence.

Gorgeous David Cameron, a handsome giant of a man who stands at 8′ 4″, explained to an awe-struck crowd of loyal citizens how he had once again improved their lives beyond measure.

“I have worked closely with Mr Edward Miliband Esq. and Mr Nicholas Clegg on your behalf”, he explained.

The undiluted love in his voice caused women and men alike to swoon.

“Once and for all, the newspapers are fixed, and you can now believe every single word that you read”, boomed the most respected gentleman Clegg, as he harnessed the power of the goodness in his soul to levitate way above the stage.

Mr Edward Miliband, famed for his ability to eat 23 dry crackers in under a minute, composed a moving sonnet of unparallelled majesty, as he nodded in agreement.

“Please, please, hold back your tears of joy”, he implored telepathically. “We know how much we mean to you, but we’re just doing our job.”

Press reform

All who heard such modesty wept with uncontrolled passion, and several in the crowd conceived immaculately.

Once again, the triumvirate of Goliaths showed that with great power comes great responsibility, in a question and answer session from the smitten but ill-informed crowd.

“What about the internet?”, snivelled one. “Surely you can’t hope to control that?”

Some in the crowd grew restless, clearly angered by such an ignorant and discrespectful question.

But all who heard the response from intellectual behemoth Nicholas Clegg sighed a huge sigh of respect, love, fear and sartorial awe.

“There is no internet”, he reassured. “Our Lord Leveson would surely have mentioned it if there was.”