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Knife-deprived attorney cries fowl

So, you heard – right? — about the guy in Gulfport, Miss., suing Popeye’s (as in “Love that chicken from …”) because he never got a plastic knife with his meal and was forced to eat the Cajun-fried chicken he ordered using his hands.

Oh, the humanity!

Wait … what?

Who in his right mind eats chicken with a knife? (Well, unless you’re attending a hoity-toity formal banquet or something north of the Mason & Dixon.)

Mississippi attorney Paul Newton Jr. is who. He reportedly purchased a chicken box at a Popeye’s drive-through window. The box typically did not include a knife, only a spork.

Because Mr. Newton failed to be given a plastic knife, his only option (according to the lawsuit) was to hold the chicken breast with his hands and tear off pieces with his teeth, causing him to choke.

The lawsuit describes how Mr. Newton underwent emergency throat surgery to extract the piece of chicken.

I’m among the last to wish ill will on anybody. But if Mr. Newton Jr. loses his lawsuit, he deserves such an outcome. It’s not only a frivolous lawsuit, but it’s also unreasonable feather-nesting rooted in lunkheaded stupidity.

Next thing you know, he’ll be suing Ruffles because the grocery store didn’t provide him with a forklift to eat his potato chips.