Monday, June 22, 2009

Hi! I’m Cpt. Obvious. Oh…that’s right. You can probably tell that by reading my name tag!

Anyway. I wanted to introduce you to some of my fellow service members. We’re sort of a ragtag bunch, what with the president and Congress cutting back our funding (I guess so they could come up with legislation that will give Americans $4,500 for going to the junkyard to buy a $100 clunker and drive it to the car dealer to trade it in on a brand new vehicle that gets 2 more mpg).

But we’re not worried.

You see, while our politicians make such “brilliant” decisions back home, out here on the front lines, well, we’ve got a special kind of genius going for us.

Like when we run out of bullets, we revert to the ways of the American frontier.

And when they stop sending us Hum-Vs, we’ll be prepared.

When it comes to weaponry, in fact, your best weapon is sometimes your best friend...and best wing man (particularly when your stockpile of missiles runs low).

For those times when secrecy is imperative, we’ve also developed a cloaking device to conceal our aircraft (4 parts WD-40, 3 Chicken Ala King MREs, and a splash of Tabasco).

Naturally, sometimes flight needs to be a little lighter, a little less expensive, and a lot more personal and immediate, especially when you’re under heavy enemy fire. So we’ve developed this handy escape device.

Meanwhile, PFC Jones and Spc. Adams learned this personal flight trick from the Speaker of the House.

You know, I hear a lot about the need for change in the American auto industry. I suspect Cpl. Ames is going to do really well for himself once he ETSs back home.

But Washington won’t let him take his land speeder when he heads stateside, so he’ll have to catch a ride.

Now… when you’re in the field away from base, it’s always best to make as much use of government property as possible, and that’s how sniper O'Reilly found the perfect spotter.

It’s also very important to learn how to cross any body of water as quickly and stealthily as possible, again, using government resources to their fullest potential.

That’s learning to make the best of the situation. Like Sgt. Anderson did, when he found out I’d lost our last beer opener on our recent desert patrol.

Yes, we’re an ingenious bunch of men and women, but it’s our strength that makes us true American fighters. And, well, the enemy would never mess with Pvt. Lovely if they knew she could do this.

So…just a word of warning…if you’re the enemy, you need to know you’ve never met anyone with the strength and character and sheer intelligence of the American military, even if you’re a personal friend of the president’s and like to shoot unarmed people protesting your rigged election.

BTW: If you live in Hawaii, don’t worry too much on Independence Day. Secretary Gates assures us we’re in a reasonably good position to knock this one down, if it comes. (Though I have to say, Kim, that’s a pretty ingenious way to travel…but it’s the landing, I’m thinking, that you’re not going to like.)

(To the brave men and women who serve this great country and keep all of us back here in relative comfort safe, you always have my thoughts and best wishes because, in my book, every day is Veteran's Day.)