Stories I’d like to write, Pt. 2

Wednesday

Dec 11, 2013 at 12:01 AM

To save money, the school board has proposed that all verbs be eliminated from next year’s textbooks....

Joshua Dixon, Staff Writer

A while back I mentioned that every now and then I think up a good opening line for a Gazette story I’d like to write someday. Then reality doesn’t cooperate, and I never get to write the rest of the story.Here are some more great opening lines I’ve never been able to use:• You’ll never guess what Karl got his tongue caught in this time!• To save money, the school board has proposed that all verbs be eliminated from next year’s textbooks.• When Bob vowed to punch the prizefighter in the face, he didn’t know it was Opposite Day.• In our culture coffee is a beverage, but to Pacific Islanders it is often used as a musical instrument.• “Why, the nerve!” said neurologist Dr. Dave Benson.• As the waves lapped at his ankles, Al realized that perhaps filling the inflatable life rafts with Cheez Whiz “in case I get hungry” wasn’t such a good idea.• Reuniting the Swedish pop group ABBA became impossible once the singers changed their names to Paavo, Olaf, Olga, and Pietr.• “How can I crack these walnuts?” Miranda said, idly tossing her flip phone back and forth.• Correction: at their concert on Tuesday evening, the Reede Gray Elementary School third grade band played “Old McDonald Had a Farm”, not Rachmaninoff’s Symphony No. 2 in C minor, Op. 18.• Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to....• A recent study showed that up to 50 percent of schnauzers who live at 610 E. 2nd Street don’t bark in the middle of the night, and let their owners get a good night’s sleep.• All it took was one minor elective surgery, and life was suddenly rosy again for Lisa and Betty Grabowski.• “Seafood...again?” snapped Aquaman, pushing away his plate.• And yet, for all Merle’s griping, the planet Jupiter stubbornly continued on its way.• You wouldn’t think losing his blankie when he was four years old would inspire Thom to create the greatest textile manufacturing factory in America, but stranger things have happened.• The odd thing was, reversing the polarity of the neutron flow actually did improve the flavor of Irene’s bowl of Wheaties.• “That’s really weird,” said Xjtgoureifritz J. Nmwtrirek.• Cub Scout meetings got a lot more interesting last week when the rules were changed to allow 80-horsepower gasoline engines to be added to this year’s Pinewood Derby cars.• While acknowledging the genuine economic benefits to the town, community leaders expressed skepticism over the long-awaited motion picture Plan 10 From Outer Space being photographed in Redwood Falls.• “All I did was tase him — it’s not like I hugged him or anything,” Clement told the judge.• The Redwood Falls Community Education department announced this week it would soon be accepting applications for its Gulf of Mexico scuba diving class. Transportaion not included.