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There is a lot about being a man I’ve never understood, a lot of specific phrases that I’m supposed to understand, a lot of stances I supposedly hold, when as a generality I’m only trying to decouple the Hot Pocket from its little microwave holster thingy. The “actuator,” I think it’s called. But the thing about legs going up never made any sense to me, not that I especially want it explained, because interpreting it literally is actually way better.

When I said that we are best served when gargantuans level city blocks in order to please us, these Gamescom announcements are exactly what I’m talking about. One of the best features coming back to the Xbox One - DLNA - is basically a returned 360 feature which has lifted at the gym, becoming swole. And SharePlay is a strong bulletpoint from the PS4’s 2.0 update, essentially rejiggering RemotePlay for multiplayer experiences. There are a ton of cool scenarios there, particularly with the triumphant return of local multiplayer “Couch Games” as a genre.

(Like Crawl. You should understand before you click this link that clicking this link is basically going to cost you ten bucks, because you’ll be pulling up the trailer of the fucking year: a beam of such ineluctable mercantile prowess that you will wake up having purchased the game in a fugue state. The game is also perfect.)

Silent Hill is no joke to me, it is Important, and returning as “Silent Hills” is a strong, strong piece of nomenclature that I feel confident is meaningful like every Goddamn thing is Silent Hill is meaningful. There are people who found the latter games meaningful also, though honestly I was too scared to really try them. Like a new album from a favorite band, I couldn’t bear the cadence switch.

It was announced in the novel way Kojima announces things now, that is to say, by creating an alternate universe and then making us inhabit it. This time, that was done through “The P.T. Demo,” which you should get on your PS4 basically right away. And then tell me what happens in it, because I played it for three seconds and noped the fuck out of that shit.

I will say that I wonder to what extent a reconstituted Silent Hill is a match for the era we find ourselves in; subtle as it is, it trafficks fairly openly in the taboos of our age.