LIVE NUDE WOMEN (There aren't any, I just need more Googlers)

For those of you worried about my nose bleeding, I know the cause of it.

I've had a head cold for about 10 days and I'm the type that relies on Dristan Nasal Spray to clear my sinuses.

It clearly says on the bottle to not use it more than three days.

Aaaaaand if you use it more than three days, be prepared for some bloody gushers, Spike.

I actually quit using the stuff a few days ago.

But Dristan owed me one good bloody nose because I used it about five days.

And it just so happened to hit in the middle of the night when I was temporarily blinded.

I feel much better now.

Like you care.

I saw the weirdest guy yesterday.

In order to understand what I saw, we're going to need a little audience participation from ... oh ... I dunno ... you.

Okay, make your hands as stiff as you can, extending your fingers out as far as they can go and all fingers held tightly together so that your palms are basically flat.

Now, hold your arms tight to your sides with your palms facing behind you and the tops of your hands facing in front of you.

Lift your shoulders as high as they can go.

Feel kinda weird, do ya??

THAT'S what this guy looked like.

He was in my presence for a long period of time ... and never deviated from this look.

At first I thought "The poor guy had a stroke".

But other than the arms and hands thing, he acted completely normal.

I mean ... if you consider Frankenstein "normal".

There was nobody around that I could ask "What the hell is wrong with that guy? Does he have fresh arm transplants?"

And I wasn't about to walk over to the guy and say "Dude ... loosen up."

So the mystery of the weird arm guy goes unsolved.

And quite frankly ... I doubt I'm going to research it any further.

Therefore ... it may be smart if you try not to obsess over this whole thing of the weird arm guy.

Seriously.

Move on, Cowboy.

It's over.

It takes a while to learn the characters' quirks, but I am really digging "The Office" lately.

Not the BBC version ... the NBC version.

I haven't seen the original BBC version.

I have no desire to see it.

I've heard it was the greatest television show ever.

I also heard that about "Little Britain" which should be retitled "Little Shitty Show That's As Funny As Burning Babies".

Yeah.

So ... ummmm ... check out the NBC version of "The Office".

You're going to have to watch it more than once to appreciate it.

I didn't like it the first time I saw it. Now I giggle like a mentally deranged schoolgirl when it's on.

I did something stupid that really pissed off an old boss of mine recently.

Okay ... I used to work at this club that was owned by a guy who owned two clubs in town.

He closed down the club I was in and kept the other, more successful one, open.

As it turns out, the club he still has is my chief competition at the club I work at now.

About two months ago, we had a big party at my club for a bunch of guys who were new to town and only going to be here for about six weeks.

The guy in charge was making a speech saying that none of the guys should be drinking and driving and that "if they wanted" our competition would send taxis out to our club to pick them up and take them over to THEIR club.

This pissed me off.

And it INFURIATED my boss. She was LIVID.

We had just handed a microphone to a guy who basically said "While we're all in a bar right now that's giving us free beer and food ... there's another bar that wants our business so bad they'll send taxis to come pick us up free of charge so we don't have to stay here!!"

So my boss comes to me and says "Once that guy's talking, you take the microphone and say whatever you have to say in order to keep the people in OUR bar."

Okay.

I think I can do that.

The guy finishes his long speech and hands me the microphone.

I thank him for the speech and add that while everyone has the option of going to our competitor's bar, they are more than welcome to stay in OUR bar as well since we're the ones providing them with free food and drink.

I then decided to comment on our competitor's bar.

"It's a nice bar," I said and then added "if you don't mind getting your throat slashed."

Lots of ha-ha-ha's from the crowd.

"I'm just kidding," I said and reiterated that we were going to be throwing a party here as well so they're welcome to stay here.

Wellllll...

A couple of guys left our party and took the competition up on the free taxi stuff.

They found the owner of the bar ... my old boss.

And asked him if anyone ever got their throat slashed here because that's what the DJ in the other bar said.

So now my old boss is HOT.

He ran into a buddy of mine this past weekend and told my buddy how pissed he is with me.

While I was kidding about the throat slashing, they are our competition and while we have a built-in clientele at our bar, my old boss wants a piece of that pie as well and does a good job sucking business out of our bar and into his by offering things that we can't offer.

Anyway, now that's one more person in town that I have to purposefully avoid.

Great.

At this rate, I'm going to HAVE to be cremated because there won't be six people to carry my coffin to the grave.