Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Today is, as you know, an historic day here at CERN and for the world of science as a whole.

After false starts, restarts and unfortunate baguette-related incidents, the Large Hadron Collider has been brought almost to full speed, and proton collision tests have proved completely successful with almost no black holes, universe-destruction or manifestations from alternate dimensions (apart from the minor problem of annihilating Lucerne, but if we keep quiet we're sure nobody will miss it).

So now, Friends of Physics, we can move forward with our plans for grand, high-energy science - experiments that may one day, we hope, prove the existence of a Grand Unified Theory or even, perhaps, that there was truly a Creator.

First, our testing will continue with particles, increasing the energy involved until we reach the target of 7 TeV. This is a huge amount of energy, far beyond anything ever achieved by a man-made device before - to give you an idea of just how much it is, 7TeV is almost sufficient energy to restart Dick Cheney's heart.

Finally, once we have established stable test collisions of protons at these energy levels, we will move on to our objective.

Starting in late 2010, we hope to be in a position to accelerate Stephen Hawking to a velocity of 0.7c. Tests are ongoing to ensure his safety and stability at these speeds - supergluing him to his chair is one option currently on the table. At speeds above 0.5c, we will expect to see significant changes in Professor Hawking's quantum state, if not his facial expression.

The final goal, in early 2011, is a 7TeV collision between Professor Hawking and the Pope at 85% of the speed of light. The energy released at the moment of impact will, we hope, finally reveal the existence of the 'God Particle' - and if it doesn't, it'll still be bloody funny to watch.

Stay tuned to CERN, Friends of Physics, for more exciting developments here at the Big Tunnel. Remember - we're doing big, fun explody collisions so you don't have to.

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