Please Hire Me To Wiretap Your Phone Calls And Emails

I’d been pretty on the fence about what to think of all this NSA surveillance, and then I heard someone make the most logical point I’ve ever heard: he reasoned that the NSA says it’s stopped 50 terrorist attacks. Then he pointed out that 3,000 people died in the 9/11 attacks. Thus, ergo, Quad Erat Demonstrandum, duh – NSA surveillance has saved 150,000 lives. Bolstered by iron-clad syllogisms like that, I’ve decided to not only support ongoing surveillance, but to get involved!

And there are many reasons for you to, please, hire me to wiretap America’s emails and phone calls. Such as…

Which it’s not.

You know those people who label every single email as “urgent”? And you’re like, “Come on, seriously. They can’t all beurgent. And this is an email about a staff get-together, for God’s sake, not which wire to cut to keep a bomb from going off. I mean get over yourself.” Anyway, when that person sends you an email, I’ll add a little attachment that let’s you know if it’s actually urgent.

When kids do that thing on the phone where they go, “You hang up first.” “No, you hang up first!” “No, you…!” I’ll disconnect them. Both so you don’t have to hear them, and also to make them think the other person just hung up.

Seriously. Snowden. How hard would it be to snap a quick self-portrait? America’s going to turn on you because they’re tired of this photo.

If I do decide to leak stuff to the press? I’ll make sure there’s more than one photo of me.

I’ll add “psychological terrorist” to my targets. By whom I mean, of course, phone solicitors. And I’ll be efficient, because I won’t have to listen for key words and phrases. As soon as there’s that little pause between when you say hello and when they start talking – boom, gotcha. **Side note: this is also why, should you ever call me, you need to start talking immediately, or I’ll hang up on you and then when you call back I’ll act like I don’t know what happened.**

I wouldn’t be above a little matchmaking, should I be wiretapping a couple of lonely souls who I think should get together. I see no reason why NSA can’t stand for “Need Some Affection?”

I look forward to listening on your call to get hired.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

Once I found out I could be wiretapped, I started to spice things up a tad in email to help the NSA get through the exciting emails they must be reading. Sounds like reading a long boring book with no end to me. I`ll stick to crossing guard for my excitement.

Mostly by hanging up on people I think are boring, and messing with people. Asking what they meant by “don’t forget you have a dentist appointment”. Is that some kind of terrorist CODE, madam?? And so forth.

This would give me a civil service excuse to call pr0n lines and start sexting strangers, just to liven up the otherwise-boring existences of the poor sods assigned to monitor my ever-so-pure electronic life. Right?

You should also offer to jump into the calls and tell those pesky kids that you have no intention of letting Sir Walter Raleigh out of his can. Also, while I have you on the line, do you know if your refrigerator is running?

I’d like to freak the kids out by cutting in with, “Yes sir! Gentlemen, we’ve been given the code! Operation: Refrigerator is running! This is not a drill! You have 6 minutes to call your loved ones!” And then hang up.

You could monitor my phone calls BEFORE I answer them and I wouldn’t need an answering machine. I’d know who was calling and if I wanted to talk to them. Most of them are telemarketers or bill collectors anyway. You could intercept them. That would be cool.

You know what’s worse than an email marked, “Urgent”? When the sender requests a “read receipt.” I’m always like, “Nope, I would not like you to know if I read that email. Ever. And stop telling me what to do.” So yeah, I have problems with the NSA (which stands for Not So Awesome in my head).

I’m much too boring to be wiretapped, but I am excited about you becoming a tapper. I would fall asleep too easily, or be inclined to say “BORING” during a covert call. I like that matchmaking idea…add some human interest to the NSA.

Actually, having the NSA provide match-making services makes perfect sense, since they could find you someone with the same background, education, sexual orientation, work experience, etc. in no time…after all, they have all that info already!

Ever since this story broke I thought 2 things. One: I want that job! So get in line B-man. I have experience in listening in on people via the baby monitor (it’s addicting) Secondly, I feel pressured to step-up my calls. I don’t want to be the talked about in the lunch room “Oh, I heard the worst call today” (shivers)

thanks for the laugh… you know maybe if they did this stuff then it wouldn’t bother me so much… but seriously they say they stopped 50 terrorist attacks… don’t you think we would’ve heard of it… Like hey America we just saved you again… oh yeah we’re awesome… whatev… it’s all cray cray…

All of this wiretapping news business comes at exactly the worst time for our family, since my 26-year-old bipolar 2 son is in one of his “conspiracy theory” moods. And by “mood” I mean mania. Prior to this, our only BIG worry was that I had to buy his 12-packs at the local Kwik Trip and was not allowed to hand them off to him once back in the car, courtesy of security cameras mounted outside the store. Now, I have to keep all my calls to him short and in code. Thanks a lot whatever-your-name-is Snowden guy.

Could you also delete all the erroneous bullshit and signatures my manager sends when she forwards me an email that has already been forwarded about 20 times prior to her receiving it? Because if so then you’ve got the job.

(You know, i’m not entirely sure that erroneous means what i think it means, but I’m going to leave it in without checking on google because i like living life on the edge)

Brilliant! If someone can cut into my daughter’s calls and correct her every time she uses ‘like’ instead of as, ‘like’ to start a sentence, ‘like’ to end a sentence…. Dammit man just replace all the likes! I will absolutely pay for that.

I would like to thank Edward Snowden and the Obama administration (and preceding administrations) for bolstering my mother’s harebrained political theories slash illogical certainties. Like I needed this. Dear NSA: please stop spying on people so my mother will shut up. Thanks.