BB11 7/16 Recap: Scream It and Stir It

Big Brother is live tonight for the first time this season and the furry rodents are kicking one of their own to the curb. Yay, for elimination fun times! The usual studio setup makes you appreciate what the mood in the Coliseum must have been like during a gladiator vs. Bengal tiger showdown minus the whole blood, guts and horde groupthink part. Not that either of the nominees resembles a musclebound, semi-naked to-the-death fighter in any way but I still enjoy the bloody spectacle. As much as I (used to) love snickering at the live feeds, nothing beats the sheer fun of an angry evictee's exit interview, especially after the merge. Rawr! The bitchier and more bitter the better. B-alliteration, yay! I crack myself up over nothing today. Back to the show.

So we're not quite to the entertaining part of the season yet, but that doesn't mean that good times can't be had. Right? Especially in the wardrobe department. Now, if I understood correctly, the Chenbot is about to drop a botbaby sometime next year and I guess that's an excuse for the wardrobe department to put her in a red dress that looks like it has a built in parachute. Hair tonight: 8.9 on the CHSS (Chenbot Hair Stiffness Scale). I hope you're keeping track.

Move it

I won't recap the recap, but the way things stand now, Braden and Chima are on the block and the week's been a hot mess of nasty fights with even nastier and louder yelling and apparently enough drama and ugliness to keep those brave feed watchers entertained. Not that we'll be treated to any of the finer – or uglier – points but we do get some of the sanitized highlights. After the Veto ceremony, various people are convinced that Braden's nomination is all about them. Ronnie, who is very impressed with his own brilliance, declares himself the biggest schemer in the house and is amazed to not be nominated, Braden is surprised, Russell is pleased with his scheming and Lydia is happy. Jeff thinks that since he and Braden are close, Braden was nominated to get back at Jeff.

Following the ceremony, Jordan, the blond chick with vacant eyes, holes up in the Pool Room – are we still calling it that? - and bows to the time-honored post-Veto ritual that I call the who's-gonna-bawl-their-eyes-out-now maneuver. She cries for Braden and says that people are starting stuff and making it “unpleasant” to live in the house. Waaa, waaa, waaa! Braden is convinced that the gossip crap is flowing from Russell to Natalie to the rest of the house.

Chima and her throw pillow lips are feeling secure enough to clean the fridge, but it's Lydia who, while feeling good, thinks that Jordan crying means that she's better buddies with Braden than she is with Lydia. This must mean that Jordan wants Jeff and Braden to protect her, she says. Not because, you know, they're in a whole alliance clique thingy which would be the obvious reason. I'm glad to see that Big Brother did a good job of picking the dumbest people to be in the house yet again. It's so comforting, the fact that I can always count on them to bring the stupid in a big way.

Stir it

Braden is convinced that Lydia's been talking smack behind his back for days and Russell is happy to confirm his suspicions in the hopes that Braden will cause a scene which will ensure his eviction. Just what we need: a big fight! Things come to a head in the backyard when Braden takes his surfer boy chill self and very calmly confronts Lydia about her betrayal of him. For a minute there I feel a bit disappointed that maybe there won't be a shouting match after all, but when Braden throws in an off- hand oh-I-know-Kevin-is-in-on-this type of remark, finally all hell breaks loose. Kevin yells at Braden, Braden yells something back that was edited out but makes Lydia mad enough to say “kiss my Latin ass” - she's a Latina? Who knew? - and we're back to what BB is all about: the cheesy, ugly, over the top fights that start being over nothing and end up being over everything.

Let it hit the fan

Phase three of the ugly is usually when the decibel level really goes up in the house and these people are following the script to the letter. Lydia screams out at Jordan for being aligned with Braden and not crying for her when she got nominated, Jordan is speechless for about a minute but then she goes on to defend herself. Words fly in the workout room, all about boo-hoo-you-didn't-cry-for-me and no-no-you-got-it-all-wrong and I-so-didn't to oh-yes-you-did-beyotch! It's a tiresome back and forth that moves to one of the bedrooms, at an even higher volume, where these two hens keep pointing at each other and yelling.

Soon enough, Kevin joins in the screaming and both him and Lydia gang up on their next victim, Jeff, whose big sin apparently is that he didn't defend Lydia enough when Braden called her a slut or something. So far we're 20 minutes in and these idiots are still ranting and raving at each other. Lydia is screaming at Jeff from the HoH landing, I'm guessing because of better acoustics and the rest are screaming from the kitchen. As stupid as this sounds reading about it, it's stupider when you watch it. Which is why I'm here to save you! Thanks for the flowers and chocolate last week, I really loved the truffles! Back to the sandbox now.

Pile it on

Not content with either her alliance's fate or small-time sparring matches and insanely loud but good-for-TV pettiness, Jordan cooks up a plan to “flip the house” and save Braden. Her big plan is to get Laura, Jeff, Ronnie, Michelle and Casey to keep Braden. 'Cause, you know, when your guy has enough votes he won't be eliminated. Brilliant!!

Boob girl, Laura, has a side deal with the Athlete gang but that won't prevent her from working other angles, so she's not against this new brilliant plan. She campaigns with Ronnie trying to bring him over to the Popular side by selling him on voting out his own caste mate, Chima. Next, the girls get to work on Casey – no, not the way you think, this ain't the Playboy channel, kiddies! - who realizes that he's now a swing vote and is happy about it.

When the Chenbot finally checks in live with the hamsters it's all smiles and chuckles until Julie asks the Athletes about their big blow-up. Russell, wearing a fedora and a half-buttoned shirt, launches into an oblique explanation about how people are people and they don't like each other and something about how he won't be sending out birthday cards and such. Pretty boy, Jeff, doesn't really want to get into it while apparently something got lost in the translation because Lydia and Jordan are all smiles and Jordan says they're fine now. Huh? I wish these people would at least be consistent about hating each other because I'm getting whiplash here from these sudden lateral moves.

Flush it

In the season's first official HoH Chenbot interview, Jesse says he's got a bigger target on his back than last season. Asked whose braincells are fueling the Athlete clique, Jesse mentions Russell the Love Muscle but also gives himself props for being quite sharp and targeting Braden. He's so modest!

Finally, it's time for the real fun. The ritual Big Brother exercise in futility is up first in which the accused are given a chance to yap on about why they should stay in the house. Won't make one iota of difference what they say but it's their big moment to show off and we've had some fun come out of these speeches. Braden goes for nice and humble complimenting his fellow hamsters, apologizes for whatever he did that Big Brother never showed us while Chima goes for the jugular.

If BB was too chicken to show us some of the good stuff, this girl is not too chicken to say it out loud. She says Braden called certain people something-something and other people bleep-bleep-bleep, he is a racist, a bigot and a misogynist and nobody should align themselves with him. Smack! That could have been one of the best screw you speeches in BB history if it weren't for the FCC, our benevolent, crusty old babysitter. For a clearer picture, please read the Live Feed recaps like I did. Unless you just don't want to know what Braden really said to Kevin and others. Just sayin'.

After that piece of deliciousness, the vote is anticlimactic.
Votes against Braden are Russell, Natalie, Kevin, Lydia, Ronnie while votes against Chima are Jeff, Jordan, Laura, Michelle, Casey, causing a tie and allowing Jesse to break it. In a completely unsurprising move, Jesse evicts Braden. Goodbyes are brief and quiet and Braden is soon out the door.

In his exit interview, Braden says he's not surprised to be out of the house, the hamsters are nuts and thinks either Ronnie, Michelle or Casey went against him. Julie confirms it was Ronnnie. After a few brief messages from the hamsters, Braden is dispatched back to obscurity making him the luckiest person on this season. Perhaps luckier than he deserves to be.

Buzz it

The new HoH competition is one of those push-a-button-if-you-know-the-answer type of things. The name of the game is “Most Likely To” and it basically goes like this: The audience voted on some “most likely to” questions now the houseguests need to guess what the audience came up with. The answers are either Popular, Athlete, Brains or Offbeat. The game moves in rounds with one person from each clique up first at the button. Whoever buzzes in first, gets to guess the answer. If they're right they move on and get to eliminate another hamster. If they're wrong they're eliminated themselves, so on and so forth.

I don't want to bore you with all the silly most-likely-to back and forth thing, but in the end it comes down to Michelle and Ronnie. Ronnie buzzes in first to answer the last question which is “Which clique's picture does America think it's most likely to be missing from the yearbook?”. His answer is “Offbeats” which is correct making him the next HoH.

As the Chenbots bids goodbye after tonight's pleasantries we find out that Winner Dan from last season is back for a surprise on Sunday's show. Ooh, big excitement! Tune in or be square! Or not. Just skip the hoopla because we've got a hot team of dedicated recappers here to take your pain away and make sure you never have to watch Jesse if you don't want to.

Thanks to whoever wrote that song for me. It's on my iPod now. Your devotion is deeply appreciated but you misspelled my name. It's MsFroggy not MizzFoggy. Thanks again.