Monday, June 29, 2009

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, June 19th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

It’s sad about Iran. What do you expect about a country? It's a government propped up by oil money that’s led by a religious wacko. Kind of like Alaska.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

This could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter because that’s how people are communicating to go to the rallies and so forth and show the pictures of what’s going on. Authorities of course in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the Internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they are dropped immediately. Or, as T-Mobile calls it, "normal service."

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

I love this guy. He is a piece of work. John Ensign was a Promise Keeper; he was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act, and a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. He has hit the Hypocrisy Trifecta.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

This is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama. Because, you know, he won’t come out for gay marriage. He threw them a bone with federal benefits. They didn’t like that. They said, “We are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected.” And he said, “Well that’s like being married.”

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

There’s a tendency here in America, when it comes to foreign policy, to say these are the good guys and these are the bad guys. A couple of weeks ago nobody had heard of Mir-Hossein Mousavi. Now suddenly, he’s the good guy. Well, I have questions about that, whether he’s a real reformer, and there’s sort of oversimplification that happens here.

- Katty Kay

It does seem like we’re choosing between like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. They’re not even the real leader of this country, right. It’s like they’re having a revolution about the Governor of Nebraska.

- Joel Stein regarding Iran

You’re either this pious, holier than thou person or you’re a skank and all these things. And I came out with my article when I wrote an article and I said that I wasn’t a virgin on national television, and I got all these emails and it was like, Meghan McCain, perverted sex addict. And it’s like you’re either a holy virgin or you have to stay at the point of saying “I’m abstinent. But I meant to be abstinent,” or you’re a perverted sex addict. And I think it’s this really crazy thing in politics, and especially Republican politics. And I think it’s unhealthy, especially for young women.

- Meghan McCain

I’m going to be consistent. It’s none of my business who Senator Ensign sleeps with. I’m much more interested in who the oil companies are screwing than who John Ensign is screwing.

- Paul Begala

I’m a Catholic. We’re taught that sex is a dirty, vile, disgusting, act that you save for the one you truly love.

- Paul Begala

If these were two blonde women, of course there’d be much more of a fuss made about it in the press here.

- Katty Kay regarding Laura Ling and Euna Lee

New Rule: Let's not all act shocked that the new Miss California is also against gay marriage. Of course they're conservative. They're beauty pageant contestants. If they were liberals they'd be in college.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Twitter didn't save Iran. Iran saved Twitter. I'm happy that information is getting out there, but admit it, Twitter users, if anyone had asked you two weeks ago what "Iran" was, you would've said it was the new treadmill from Apple.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Now that the Olive Garden has pulled its ads from Letterman's show because they say his Palin joke was "not consistent with our standards and values" someone has to figure out a way for me to boycott a restaurant I would never eat at in the first place.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Following are quotables from “Real Time with Bill Maher” for Friday, May 29th, 2009. “Real Time with Bill Maher” airs Fridays at 10:00PM ET (10:00PM PT, tape delayed) on HBO, with additional replays throughout the week on HBO and HBO 2.

Sonia Sotomayor, her background, wow, graduated first in her class at Princeton, Yale Law School, a prosecutor, a sitting judge for the last 18 years. Or as conservatives call it, "unqualified."

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

Here’s a woman who was raised in the Bronx, tough neighborhood, without a father. And that's how you know America is a great melting country - when your Supreme Court justice has the same back-story as your lap dancer.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

The last time Rush Limbaugh talked to a Hispanic woman, it was his maid, getting him his drugs.

- Bill Maher in his opening monologue

What happens on your plate represents your most important engagement with the natural world and the biggest impact you have on climate change. Meat eating in particular represents a tremendous amount of greenhouse gasses produced.

New Rule: Before the Supreme Court welcomes its first Hispanic Justice, Clarence Thomas must admit he's a little disappointed that Obama didn't pick a lesbian.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

New Rule: Honey Nut Cheerios have to take the bee off the box. It reminds me that all the bees are dying, and if I wanted to start my day staring at something that makes me want to kill myself I'd watch Fox and Friends. We lost almost a third of America's bee population last winter. I can't take another morning thinking about a beautiful striped animal going extinct. Which is why tomorrow I'll have Frosted Flakes.

- Bill Maher in his “New Rules” segment

This week's guests were Richard Pollan, John Bolton, Heather Wilson and Harper Hill.