The (consistent!) atheist’s ten commandments

(A poke in the eye for the “New Atheist” crowd who want us to take our atheism more seriously…. I ask if they’ve yet taken it seriously enough?)

1. You shall look after yourself. You’ve got to look after number one, because Nobody else will.

2. You shall only ever worship what you can see. Nothing else exists, remember! Worship money, worship possessions, worship power, worship fame, worship your career, worship sex. Never ask why it is that humans have this in-built need to worship something; that won’t get you anywhere!

3. You shall not blaspheme the name of Darwin by questioning his theories. If anyone starts looking critically at Darwin, mayhem may break loose. Do you want to live under the Taleban?

4. You shall use all your time as you see fit. Even though you cannot explain where time came from. Or why it exists in the first place! Just take it for granted and do whatever seems right with it.

5. It was blind chance that gave you your parents, and they are less highly evolved than you in any case. Once they get old you should shove them into some dreadful hole where nobody will look after them. Better still, be a more consistent Darwinist and bump the weaklings off before they use up any more precious resources. Human beings are ultimately just super-evolved maggots – they have no unique dignity – so put the old dears to some use and make their remains fertilise the garden. Haven’t you heard of evolution through the survival of the fittest?

6. You can and should kill anyone and everyone you can, because if they can’t defend themselves then their genes didn’t deserve to survive in any case. Unless we rid ourselves of the inferior genes, evolution will be much delayed. Off to the gas chambers!

7. You shall fornicate like a rabbit. You really need to, because the only way you’ll survive after death is via your offspring. Your genes are selfish, and demand to be replicated. Sticking to your spouse will limit your chances greatly! Try out whatever takes your fancy, and don’t bother with wondering why you feel so degraded afterwards.

8. There is no such thing as stealing. Nature favours the strong, and resources are limited. Fill your boots with what you can!

9. Truth and falsehood are illusions. We came from nothing and are going to nothing; don’t let yourself be shackled by fantasy notions such as ultimate right and wrong. We humans can make our own truth! Don’t listen to your conscience. It is lying when it tells you that you’ll be held accountable for your deeds. Except that I said lying is an illusion. I think I need to think about this one a bit more.

10. Greed is good! You are the ultimate reality, and desire is what drives the evolutionary machine. Rape, pillage and plunder, my friend! Never ask why it never seems to satisfy you – this too is an illusion.

Happily most atheists aren’t very consistent. Atheism can’t actually work in the world that really exists – the one that God created. Therefore most atheists have to live some other way instead. They have to live mostly as if something like the Bible’s set of rules was right after all. They have do deny the logical consequences of their world-view. Wouldn’t it be better to believe something that actually makes life work? There’s a reason creationism works in real life: because it’s true.