The distorted reality of ‘Big Ears Teddy’

In a talk he gave to an enraptured crowd in Stratford, Ont., last
July, Jian Ghomeshi revealed that he had a teddy bear named Big
Ears. He said the bear helped him deal with his general anxiety
disorder, which has plagued him for years. His therapist suggested
that he get the bear because his favourite toy as a kid was a teddy
bear with the same name. “Big Ears has played a really important
role in my life,” he confessed.

This charming anecdote was recounted in the local paper, the
Beacon Herald, which covered the speech. The reporter described Mr.
Ghomeshi’s talk as “both engaging and frequently hilarious.”

Big Ears Teddy has been featuring prominently in other Jian
Ghomeshi news this week. Two of his accusers
say he invited her to his house and proceeded to assault her.
Each alleges that before he began, Mr. Ghomeshi turned the bear to
the wall and said, “Big Ears Teddy shouldn’t see this.”

It’s hard to find the words for this. For now, “beyond creepy”
will have to do.

It may be that the detailed, mounting abuse allegations against
Mr. Ghomeshi – including the calm, cool recollection of actor Lucy
DeCoutere – are all cooked up. Or it may be that there’s something
to them. Nothing has been proven in a court of law. But in the court
of public opinion, Mr. Ghomeshi has gone in a few news cycles from
hero to tainted to universally reviled. He cannot recover. People
who prematurely tweeted in his defence (Judy Rebick, Elizabeth May
and Sheila Copps, among others) have been left scrambling to explain
themselves. The CBC, at first accused of bureaucratic cowardice, is
now being accused of harbouring a serial batterer who allegedly hit
on his own staff.

There are other words that come to mind to describe Mr.
Ghomeshi’s alleged behaviour. The words are “reckless” and
“self-destructive.” If the stories are true, it’s almost as if he
wanted to be found out. A Twitter feed under the handle
@bigearsteddy
had a brief run last April. In it, a series of tweets appeared to
allege that Mr. Ghomeshi lured Carleton media graduates to his home
and assaulted them – which, if true, makes his later references to
Big Ears Teddy seem a bit unwise.

Those were not the only allegations that have been floated. For
years, word was all over the place that Mr. Ghomeshi was “weird,
with women,” as one blogger who claims to have encountered him
has put it. Mr. Ghomeshi was evidently able to persuade the CBC
that this was just the standard trash talk any public figure must
endure these days. Perhaps he genuinely believed this himself.
Perhaps this was the story he told his therapist and his teddy bear.
In his Stratford speech, he discussed the online “culture of
outrage” that has coarsened public discourse, and talked about the
“global mob ready to pounce” on the next big thing. “Social media is
mad,” he told his crowd.

In Stratford, Mr. Ghomeshi humble-bragged that he’s “neurotic.”
He said he takes comfort in the fact that all his idols are neurotic
too. “Successful, talented creative people, in my experience I’ve
discovered, are all either neurotic or insecure or freaked out in
some way or another.”

In fact, “neurotic,” “insecure” and “freaked out” strike me as a
the self-exculpatory language of a guy with far more serious
problems. Perhaps a more accurate reading of Mr. Ghomeshi’s
character, if the allegations are true, would be “narcissistic.”
Narcissists can’t bring themselves to believe that anyone else is
quite as real as they are. They don’t care about other people’s
feelings. They can’t sustain relationships. They brag incessantly
about their achievements. They use shameless flattery to win esteem.
They think that everyone should admire them, and are hurt and
angered if they don’t. When things go wrong, they see themselves as
the victim. Guilt is not their thing. They have bad boundaries.

Look up “narcissism” and review the accounts of Mr. Ghomeshi’s
various accusers and you will find a perfect fit.

Narcissism is one reason why some people think they can get away
with outrageous stuff. They are prone to magical thinking, which
gives them a distorted view of reality. A little narcissism is
healthy. Too much is a personality disorder.

This being a therapeutic age, we automatically seek the root
causes of dysfunction in biography. What early traumas could have
caused someone to behave like this? Was the person beaten as a
child? Was he spoiled? Was his mother overly attentive? Did she
reject him? These quests for explanation are often futile. Many
personality disorders are born, not made. I often think that when it
comes to understanding deviant behaviour, my grandmother said it
best: “He’s got a screw loose.”

For many reasons, this story strikes very deep. Perhaps some good
will come of it, if it gives us a better understanding from the
discussion it provokes of why so many women – even privileged and
educated ones – say nothing. And it is a call to arms, as Ms.
DeCoutere so eloquently demonstrated. As a strong, secure person who
was not left traumatized, she’s not interested in revenge or
justice. She decided to speak up not for her own sake – she’s fine –
but for the sake of other women who are not fine, and for others yet
who ought to be spared her experience.

At the same time, I reject the inevitable charges that such
behaviour arises from a viciously misogynistic culture that
routinely degrades women. Yes, we have issues, and some groups of
women have serious issues. Yet there is no culture in the world in
which women are treated better. Violence against women, along with
all other forms of violence, is in sharp decline.

To blame the general culture is to blame half the population, and
that is a tremendous slur against men. The truth is that some men
have been pigs, and some men always will be. These men should be
outed, shamed and ostracized. Which is exactly what was done to Mr.
Ghomeshi this week.

"Narcissism is one reason why some people think they can get away
with outrageous stuff. They are prone to magical thinking, which
gives them a distorted view of reality. A little narcissism is
healthy. Too much is a personality disorder."

Narcissistic Personality Disorders after both those who make
false allegation and perpetrators of these sorts of of alleged
crimes.