He had two chances and he blew both of them. And then he cried. Tee hee.

Russell Hantz is gone. Permanently. He said this is his last time playing “Survivor.” And thank heaven for it.

Matt Elrod (Fabio 2.0) beat him in the (lame) Redemption Island domino challenge. Was he really crying or did he pull a Michelle Money? By the way, I LOVED the soft princess music they had for him while he sobbed.

Jeff Probst wondered if he was crying out of embarrassment or what?

I do wish Redemption Island itself were a little cooler.

Russell: “I respect this game too much to go out this way.” Then he started insulting his tribe for throwing the challenge to get rid of him. He called himself the a “professional quarterback” with pee wee players on his team. Right.

Then Ralph Kiser — one of the challenge witnesses — did some weird fake-out with his idol, telling Russell he found it within 15 seconds of the game. He started to show it to Russell, then backed off on Sarita White’s advisement.

Then Phillip “Special Agent” Sheppard weighed in, because no moment is complete without his input. He said he could tell that Ralph had an idol. It’s his job to tell when people are lying. (And to sweep the floor at the crack of dawn. And to be the season’s resident crazy person/Coach 2.0.)

Russell decided he could still play in the game via Phillip and his pink tighty whities. So he played spoiler king (something he’s familiar with) and spilled all of his tribe’s secrets. Bitter much?

So now Stephanie Valencia and Krista Klumpp are permanently stuck with “the goobers.” The storm is coming for them. Especially Stephanie.

Holy crap Grant is hot. Please show more of him.

And Russell, like Francesca before him, is rooting for sweet Matt to win. Rooting from afar, of course. As Russell said before the Redemption Island challenge, “If this was the real world I’d be rooting for Matt.” Just like with Brett Clouser on “Samoa.” Matt is the new prayer warrior.

Matt is in a good position right now. So is Boston Rob Mariano, after finding that idol. He, at least, has learned something from his past seasons.

I wish Kristina Kell had been given more time in the game — strong, strategic women are hard to come by — but “Survivor: Redemption Island” without Phillip would be so much less amusing.

If we’ve learned anything from recent seasons of “Survivor” it’s the need to fly casual. Lay low. Go ahead and strategize. Go ahead and find immunity idols. Go ahead and play hard like Kristina Kell, just don’t be as obvious about it as Kristina Kell. (Who is Yve + Alina from “Survivor: Nicaragua.”)

However, brava to her for making a big move on the very first episode of “Survivor: Redemption Island.” After “Nicaragua” I am starved for big moves. But make them SMART big moves. Pissing off Boston Rob Mariano on the first day? Not smart.

Also not smart: Making an alliance with Phillip “Pipe That” Sheppard and his motor mouth. How many sisters does he have? Seven? How have they let him get away with this “Did I mention I’m a former federal agent” and “You need to pipe that” and “We’re done talking” and “hyper state of arousal” and “excuse me!” horseshite for so long?

Ometepe, minus Rob.

Boston Rob — hero-worshipped right off the bat, as if “All-Stars” never happened — saw through Kristina right away and knew she was looking for the idol. (While everyone else was socializing and building camp.) He played it down. She should’ve tried to make an alliance out of it, but instead she panicked and decided to go against him.

Rob used her decision to go against him to go against her — calling her out at Tribal Council and making a big move in front of the impressionable young’uns. He won.

Rob proves if you get a second chance, you don’t waste it. You change or at least convince people you’ve changed. He will do well.

Poor Francesca is now gone … but she’s gone to Redemption Island. We still don’t know how that will play out.

I feel sorry for Kristina, but what can you do…

While Rob was being casual, just making friends with the worshipping young’uns, Russell Hantz made a speech about changing and then went right back to his routine of trying to organize a “dumbass girls” alliance.

Immunity winners Zapatera, minus Russell.

LOVED his patronizing exchange with Stephanie Valencia, asking her — like a teacher, leading a student — who he took to the end the first time on “Samoa.” Natalie! The second time, on “Heroes vs. Villains”? Parvati!

He thinks she’s stupid enough to go with the “i” name theme. He makes his pitch. She goes for it, or at least says yes, which is the correct response even if you don’t mean it. (She is not living up to her namesake. The Real Stephanie, from “Palau,” would’ve told Russell off.)

And, point of order, Parvati owned the Russell/Parv alliance. She is not a “cute little girl.” She’s the best player this game has ever seen.

David Murphy (my pre-season favorite) and Mike Chiesl want Russell gone. Good idea. You can’t bank on having him take you to the end. He does breed paranoia and he can’t be trusted to stick with people. (He tried to get rid of Parvati and he ousted her BFF, Danielle, in a blindside. He’s also obnoxious and emotionally exhausting.)

Rob is on Ometepe, which has more women than men. He’s good with girls. Very good. Ashley Underwood even said losing the immunity challenge made her feel like she let her “leader” down. Phillip believes he’s good with girls, too, and then he pissed off his alliance mate, Kristina, and their co-conspirator, Francesca. (It’s worth noting, though, that Fabio clone Matt Elrod is probably even better with girls, without having to try.)

Rob said he was going to try to vote off Francesca (or whatever Phillip called her, with his dry mouth), because Fran said right off the bat that Rob was sneaky and she didn’t want him around. But Kristina’s obvious moves prompted Rob to change his mind. And by his mind, I mean everyone’s mind. Ometepe is now The Borg. And Phillip, Kristina and Francesca are on the outs.

So far Russell isn't doing much. Even though Rob's team lost the immunity challenge, he's still in charge.

Right now, even with his tribe down one player, Rob is running the game.

Who will go to Redemption Island next week, if Ometepe loses again? Phillip or Kristina? As annoying as Phillip is, he’s not as dangerous as Kristina. She (over)played her hand too soon. But she does still have that idol…

Side note: Enough with the “Redemption Island” “What if?” videos — like Shambo. Really? Shambo? We get the point of coming back.

Russell, I mean. At the live finale for “Survivor: Samoa.” You could tell he knew he lost and, of course, he was bitter about it. (Some would say justifiably bitter.)

And by that point he must’ve also known that he would lose “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.” He was just as bitter about that, using the reunion show to expose the “flaw” in the game, which seemed to be the social game as a whole.

So I’m not surprised at the allegation that Evil Russell “spoiled” seasons 19 and 20 for Missyae of Survivor Sucks, (or formerly of Sucks, anyway) despite that being a major no-no to CBS.

I love spoilers. So I guess I should thank Russell for being the alleged source of the HvV boot list (I didn’t even know about the Samoa spoilers).

BFFs?

Still, it’s strange that a spoiler king would be brought back for “Redemption Island” (unless that’s the real meaning of the title.)

Russell even supposedly fed Missyae some false spoilers on 22 — saying Kimbo Slice and Carrie Prejean would be competing this season.

Why is all of this coming to light now? Because there’s a feud! I love a good feud.

Missyae is no longer around the Sucks board. CBS threatened him with a lawsuit, but I guess they just wanted names and now that’s gone.

Missyae tweets updates on which alumni are chatting (lots of Nicarugrats like Purple Kelly, NaOnka, Marty, Sash and Yve) and on Whispers it’s clear that Jim Early is Missyae.

And it’s very clear that Jim/Missyae and Russell do not get along.

***

Today someone started a Whispers discussion with “I think that Russell just kind of called out Missyae on his profile. Ooooooo, scandalous!” (This looks like the call-out in question. Russell goes off on an anti-spoiler rant in several posts.)

Jim Early With realityblurred.com and MSNBC tomorrow. Someone is gonna be exposed for leaking info to Missyae

Jim Early Funny how he says that about someone spoiling the show and he spoled 19 and 20 toi Missyae. “Got your pen ready, write all this down”

Jim Early Oooooo how scandalous now Chris Yates, BOOOYAH Russell Hantz violated his contract not once, but twice, 5 milion each time, I bet he dont get paid in March like he thinks

Jim Early LOL Believe me, I got the emails saved from him. Anti deleted a thread of his at SUCKS where he was pretending to be his wife. I set that up for him and when CBS called him and told him to get it down, I asked Anti to remove it and told him why, Anti removed it. Russell Hantz is the biggest leak and biggest hypocrite ever on reality tv

Jim Early He tried to implicate an innocent player and I dont like that

Jim Early He went and actually cried to JP [Jeff Probst] and tried to implicate someone innocent

Jim Early Yeah all the crap I took at SUCKS for defending him or pimping him in the spoilers were his words he wanted me to say

Jim Early I took the heat

Jim Early Now Russell is threatning to sue me, for what, telliing the truth? lol

Jim Early Yeah and he keeps making fun of the fake Kimbo and Prejean info, it came from him. He was doing it for CBS cause at the time, they believed him about the person he implicated so they gave him bad info to give to me to discredit me. So the kimbo crap came from Russell Hantz too

Jim Early So let him keep running his mouth, thats all he can do, he sure cant win Survivor or outlast Rob.

Jim Early So the posting that started this thread is a joke, lol. Hes being called out with loads of proof

Jim Early He also mentioned why those idols were so easy to find, stay tuned for that info soon

Jim Early Prolly drunk again like he was when he accidentally came in here the other night and begged me to delete his postings so I did

Jim Early I remember the night he wanted to start that thraed at SUCKS he was so stupid he didnt know how,. I tried to tell him over the phone and he still couldnt do it. He put his wife on the phone with me and I instruced her how to do it, then he started posting as his wife

Jim Early I told him, wont CBS get mad and he said “i have better lawyers than CBS” about an hour later they called him and told him to get it down so he called me back and said, “how do i delete it” i said what happened to u having better lawyers than CBS? He said “just tell me how to delete it” I told him he couldnt MISSYAE would have to clean up his mess for him. I told ANTI the truth and he took care of it.

Of course, these are all Jim’s words. Very one-sided. Take it for what it is … which is, to me, just interesting behind-the-scenes gossip.

Fun!

So I have no idea when we’ll see a season 22 boot list, if we will at all. But I have a feeling we will. There’s already some spoiling going on. If it’s accurate or not, I don’t know ’cause “Survivor: Redemption Island” hasn’t started and I don’t get any direct intel myself. I just lurk on message boards like everyone else. We’ll find out!

I’m already in love with half the cast of “Survivor: Redemption Island” and I’ve only seen a short video. I should probably stop now since I’ll start hating them if I see more.

Keep them blurry!

People magazine posted a cute little video and mini write-ups about the 16 castaways who, at this point, don’t seem to know Boston Rob Mariano and Evil Russell Hantz will be joining them to make a solid 18.

“Redemption Island” will be shot in Nicaragua again, which leads me to believe there will be no water challenges. I miss them. But at least we have the Redemption Island twist itself. Even if it’s lame — and I doubt it will be — it can’t be worse than the Medallion of Power … or anything else about “Nicaragua.”

This season was shot before the end of "Nicaragua," I believe, so they won't know that Fabio won by already being this guy.

Speaking of “Nicaragua” … it looks like we have a Fabio clone in Matthew “Matt” Elrod. The video also shows us “braniac” David Murphy, hot Iraq vet Mike Chiesl, and Ralph Kiser, who is like Big Tom mixed with Rupert. Love him already.

Adore Ralph.

We also have a bunch of football players (thanks, Jimmy Johnson!) and hot chicks, including two pageant blondes — Krista Klumpp and Ashley Underwood — and two similar cuties, Stephanie Valencia and Natalie Tenerelli.

I’m worried that Francesca Hogi will turn into another angry NaOnka. CBS should not do this, but they love to do it so they probably will. (Just don’t quit!)

At least the women also have Kristina Kell, who finds herself to be the complete package, and newly divorced firefighter Julie Wolfe, who is like several past “Survivor” contestants in one (Tom Westman? Jane Bright? Wendy? Wanda?)

I always pick a pre-season favorite and I’m about to do it again. For “Samoa” I chose “The Toothless Texan,” who turned out to be the Evil Oompa Loompa himself. For “Nicaragua”I chose Jane and she turned into Gollum.

This time I am going to use my curious powers for spotting the (evil) Player of the Season to target … David! David, I am now rooting for you … to do something interesting. You don’t have to win, you just have to be memorable. That is your task.

The season starts on February 16, which is another Wednesday. I don’t really give a rat’s ass what day it’s on. I’ll watch it.

***

Andrea is an ex-marine, which is cool. She also looks like she'll be considered less of a threat than the mega-hot Iraq veteran guy.

• Andrea Boehlke, 21, former marine: “I’ve been raised on a farm my whole life,” she says, “and I’ve been hunting since I was 12 and fishing and camping, so I’m not too worried about the elements.”

• Mike Chiesl, 31, student: “The great thing about Survivor, though, is nobody’s shooting at you,” says the Iraqi vet. “I’ll take that over going on deployment to Iraq any day.”

• Matt Elrod, 22, pre-med student: “Out here when people feel alone and isolated,” he says, “I have a warmth towards people that I think they’ll respond to and want to keep me around and probably trust me.”

• Krista Klumpp, 25, pharmaceutical rep: “I competed for three years in the Miss Alabama pageant and then two years in the Miss Alabama USA pageant,” she says.

• Kristina Kell, 46, law student: “I’m a complete package,” she says.

I'm already crushing on David. He's my type. Is this bad? The shorts!

• David Murphy, 31, defense attorney: “I think I’m going to have to start the game taking myself down a notch,” he says. “It sounds awful to say it but I’m going to have but I’m going to have to bring myself down to their level.”

Here's hot Iraq vet Mike.

• Grant Mattos, 29, yoga instructor: “[I played professional football for] the San Diego Chargers, the Denver Broncos and the Tennessee Titans.”

• Stephanie Valencia, 25, waitress: “I’m always right even when I’m wrong,” she says. “I always get my way just because I know how.”

• Phillip Sheppard, 52, technology executive: “I have a terrific smile and when I really let it pop, you look at that smile and it disarms you,” he says.

• Sarita White, 36, visual effects producer: “It’s a good group,” she says of her costars, “so that of course makes me excited but also like, what’s the catch?”

• Natalie Tenerelli, 19, professional dancer: “Of course I’m going to use my girly instincts,” she says. “I can be flirtatious and I hopefully will know when to stop.”

Phillip does have a nice smile.

Go Julie!

• Julie Wolfe, 50, firefighter: “I’m newly divorced. I have 100 percent custody for two children and I’m paying alimony, I’m paying child support and my house is in foreclosure,” she says.

Here's Jud the Stud with the final immunity win — his third win in a row. How hard are Fabio-philes freaking out at this point? I'd be more excited for him if the challenge were less lame. Am I the only one who can't really stand the idea of Fabio winning? So smug so late in the game. Sash, you were ROBBED.

Something happened in the past, oh, year or so. I used to be a “casual” fan of “Survivor.” The kind who would be rooting for Judson “Fabio” Birza to win “Survivor: Nicaragua” as we go into tonight’s live finale. But somewhere along the way I went hardcore.

Now it’s not enough for me to have a winner who spent 90% of the season as a spectator. I know it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish, but that’s just one reason I really wanted Holly Hoffman to win.

Really, I’m pretty much past this season already. I’m mostly interested in what Jeff Probst says at the reunion about Season 22 “Redemption Island” (the rumored title) with Russell Hantz and Boston Rob Mariano as the rumored main players. (Would they really get immunity until the merge? That’s effed up.)

*Update* Jeff didn’t say anything about Rob vs. Russell, so maybe that’s not really going to happen? Or is that being saved for later?

I’m going to do my stream of consciousness live blog recap tonight, just because I’m now obsessed with “Survivor” — even a mediocre season.

If you’re a crazy person like me, you can also follow along with some of the “Survivor: Nicaragua” tweeters, likeBenry, Chase and Sash.

8:18 p.m.: Here we go! Recap of season to date. Jeff says no one could’ve predicted that Dan, Sash, Jane, Fabio and Holly would make it to the end. Talk of Dan’s expensive shoes and “ineffective” or non-participation in challenges. Jeff’s recap says he’s the only one left who hasn’t made any enemies. Is that true? I thought Fabio was in the same boat?

“Godmother” Holly ftw! Alas…

Chase Rice and Jeff Probst backstage at the "Survivor: Nicaragua" finale. How tall is Chase, anyway?

Since Day 3, every person Chase has aligned with he eventually voted out. Chase has angered so many people “it was a wonder he was still in the game.” Does Jeff not like Chase?

Sash does look like “a dead man walking.” Is it physically possible for him to get skinnier? I’m asking. “I hold more chips than anyone else still remaining.” I respect the strategists. He should win.

I forgot that Shannon was the one who called Fabio “a dumb blond” and started the “Fabio” nickname. For the record, I think Fabio is exactly as smart and stupid as he’s being portrayed. I don’t think he’s playing anyone; he’s just being himself.

8:23 p.m.: Opening theme, then commercials…

Our final 4 (plus Non-Entity Dan) before the first finale immunity challenge.

8:27 p.m.: Is Fabio just now realizing that Sash, Chase and Holly are tight and want him out next? Just NOW? Fabio wants to break up the alliance. “Do you want to go to the final 3 with me?” he asks Holly, in front of Dan. Non-entity Dan. Take her to prom, man!

Fabio wants to be “cool” and not let on that he’s playing the game. Too late, since you just played your entire hand in front of Dan and Holly. Fabio needs to win immunity, which he knows. Finally.

Sash knows there’s a good chance Fabio could make an immunity run. Sash tells Fabio what he wants to hear. Sash tells Fabio he would like to get to the end with Chase and Fabio. He wants as many avenues to the final 3 as possible. If that means making deals with everyone, so be it. Big move. Big risk.

8:29 p.m.: Immunity challenge #1

Puzzle with questions about Nicaragua. Did they study before they came?

Fabio got one wrong, had to go back. Chase and Holly coming back for 3rd bags. Fabio back with 2nd bag. He was in last. Except for Dan, who remains a non-entity.

Fabio is way back. He has to make up a lot of time. Dan finally back with 3rd bag, working on puzzle.

Jud the Stud may not be great at answering Nicaragua trivia, but he's great with puzzles.

Sash has a huge lead right now. Fabio and Sash neck-and-neck. Fabio is good with puzzles! It’s like Parvati with the balancing challenges.

“FABIO WINS IMMUNITY!” Get used to hearing that tonight. At least he’s struggling to win. I hate an anointing.

Chase was missing a piece. Cue the jokes about Chase not playing with a full bag of puzzle pieces.

8:40 p.m.: Lots of “way to go, Fabios” from all the fakers.

Fabio is “lovin’ it, man.” He’s always known that he was going to wait until the last minute to be aggressive. That’s a great strategy provided you get to the end. But Fabio has just been lucky so far.

Chase thinks Dan is less of a threat than Holly. Fabio tells Dan that Chase wants to get rid of him. Fabio wants to keep Dan around. He sees Dan as less of a threat to win.

Dan speaks! And does not make his case.

Dan tells Sash and Fabio that Holly is a bigger threat. Fabio wants to make a case for Dan not being the biggest threat. Fabio wants to split up Chase and Holly. He tells Sash he’s not just trying to save Dan. Sash tells him he brings up good points.

Holly comes up to talk to Fabio and Sash. She’s surprised to hear that Fabio is talking about dumping Dan. She knows he’s full of crap and wants to get rid of her. That’s my girl!

8:44 p.m.: Tribal Council #1

Dan says he lives a nice life and has money and he thinks no one would vote for him. His whole “ploy” is, take me to the end, no one will vote for me to win.

A lot of fingers were pointed at Holly last time and she’s afraid it will be her again. Uh oh! Holly says Dan wants four guys in the final 4.

Holly vs. Dan!

“The lady from North Dakota!” Or South Dakota, as it happens to be.

Brenda whispers to the jury that Chase is “paranoid as hell.” Chase’s mind is always spinning.

It’s down to Dan vs. Holly. WHY? Are we assuming Dan and Holly are bigger threats to win than Sash and Chase? I would vote out Chase. He’s a flip-flopper, but he’s a nice guy and a strong presence the entire time.

I’d vote out Chase or Sash, since Sash is the mastermind. Even more than Brenda. But he’s so hated (because of Jane) so maybe the theory is that no one would vote for him. Does he know this?

1. Dan

2. Dan

3. Chase (SMART! Who did this?)

4. Dan

Oooh! Bitter Dan voted for Chase to show how much he hates him. And he’s still mad at Holly for stealing the expensive shoes HE NEVER SHOULD’VE BROUGHT ON SURVIVOR.

Bitter. Bitter. Bitter. But he’s not mad at Fabio. And he doesn’t mention Sash.

Why is Dan so mad at Chase, again? Dan should’ve gone last week, if not several weeks ago. Chase stuck with his alliance (for once) and Dan has no right to be mad. He was never in an alliance with Chase or Holly, as far as I can tell.

No one ever votes the way Fabio wants. If he didn’t have immunity, he’d be gone. He’s just not an influential strategist.

8:55: Final four. Rah. Rah. Rah. They all seem pretty low-key about it.

Fabio knows he needs to win again because he doesn’t know what’s going through Sash and Chase’s minds. So Sash and Chase are in charge. They are the locks to make the final 3.

Sash believes every person left will take him to the end, no matter what. Well, that’s because everyone seems to hate you. You are less of a threat than Non-Entity Dan.

Holly talks to Chase about what they would do if Fabio wins immunity again. Chase thinks Sash will get votes from Purple Kelly and … who?

I’m sick of hearing about Fabio. I know I’m alone on this, but he’s not exactly Russell Hantz. Or Parvati. Or Tom Westman.

This could be a million dollar challenge for Chase. The fact that Chase is a lock for the final 3 — no one going after him, everyone vying for his vote — is a sign that he’s played a better game than anyone is giving him credit for.

I love how they always kiss the asses of the fallen comrades, even if they treated them like crap the whole time they were in the game.

8:58 p.m.: Oh the fallen comrades again. Blah Blah Blah.

Holly is the last of the Espada tribe. She’s also the last woman standing. Love Holly. Love love love Holly. Love her transformation.

I miss Jill. I wish Jill had stepped up more.

Everyone talks about how the social game was such a big deal. Probably this season more than most. There wasn’t even a Russell Hantz in the house. Or a JT Thomas. No one standout. Anyone who got close to standing out (Jimmy Johnson, Marty, Brenda) got knocked down.

I know I’m going to have to see Brenda again on an all-stars season, but I’m not looking forward to it. So. Freaking. Smug.

Wait. NaOnka says she always had a smile and was the smartest person in the game?? Which NaOnka is this?

Benry says they were smart to vote him out because he would’ve kept winning challenges. Except for puzzles. So, of course, the last challenges have been puzzles.

Are they gearing these challenges toward specific players? Like all the balancing and Zen challenges for Parvati on “Heroes vs. Villains” and puzzles for Fabio?

Maybe I’m just cranky about what happens, but Fabio’s “mans” are getting on my nerves. Am I turning into NaOnka?

Nice day for a challenge!

9:11 p.m.: Final Immunity Challenge!

Balancing coins. No one had to physically balance or do a tough physical challenge. The challenges have been lame this season. I miss Palau. But I always miss Palau.

Fabio looks good with his hair pulled back. He almost drops out but makes a nice recovery.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1 …

Coins are boring.

Holly is out! Dang it!

Chase is out.

Down to Sash vs. Fabio. Again.

This would be more impressive if the challenge were better. What about the blindfold maze that ended HvV? Come on!

That’s it. Fabio wins. Which means Fabio wins.

I do like Fabio's hair like this.

9:22 p.m.: Fabio: “I’m lovin’ this, man!”

He knows everyone is going to make their cases for why he should keep them. I’m tired of Fabio. He’s just going to let it play out he says.

He tells Sash he hasn’t made up his mind. He says he’s got to think about things. Since he was the one who wanted to get rid of Holly, it makes sense for him to continue to want to get rid of Holly.

So Sash is scrambling. Fabio just ruined his plans. Fabio is looking smug.

Sash thinks Brenda will vote for Chase. He thinks Purple Kelly for Chase.

I think Brenda is for Fabio.

Sash! He tells Fabio, you’re “my best friend in the game.” He says he never would’ve voted out Fabio. Fabio smiles. He knows it’s bull.

It’s not rocket science that Holly/Sash/Chase are an alliance, although this ep is trying to make Fabio seem like Sherlock Holmes for cracking the code.

Fabio tells Chase. Chase is upset with Sash for going against him. Sash will say whatever it takes to get through the game. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Fabio thinks the cockroaches are scrambling. This edit is trying to make Fabio seem bright when it’s been obvious for a while that Sash, Holly and Chase have been a unit.

Fabio says Sash and Chase have lied to him the whole time. Holly is the only one who hasn’t lied or done anything to him. So is that why she has to go?

I’m so done with this season. This ep is trying to make Fabio seem like a strategist when he should’ve known the lay of the land before this moment. It’s not a bad thing to scramble or say anything to win. That’s what a survivor does.

I’d vote for Holly to win. So I’d have to vote Holly out at this point.

Who cares who would've taken Fabio to the final 3?

9:33 p.m.: Tribal Council #2

Fabio keeps smiling. He can’t hold it in. The jury adores him. I think that’s what bugs me. The Fabio WORSHIP out there.

Why is Fabio so proud of realizing Sash and Chase never would’ve taken him to the end?

Sash has had alliances with everyone. He finally admits he’s made deals with two groups to take them to the end.

There’s nothing wrong with that, in my eyes. But this jury seems to think actually playing “Survivor” is a HORRIBLE thing to do. Unheard of!

I bet Russell Hantz is rooting for Sash.

Jeff gives Holly, Chase and Sash an opportunity to make a last pitch to Fabio. Don’t bother. Sash says he’s been honest with Fabio.

So they are making Fabio seem like he’s totally in control. He’s the only one who gets to vote? No. So why don’t they get to make pitches to each other?

Holly was honest with him. … And he burns her for it. Nice.

1. Sash

2. Holly

3. Holly

4. Holly

So why did everyone act like it was all up to Fabio? He was only one vote. Stop selling me Fabio, CBS!

9:45 p.m.: Fabio says it took him 38 says to get into a power position. But there were four votes cast. It took more than Fabio’s vote to get out Holly. So why are they kissing his ass?

Fabio knows the jury will be receptive to what he has to say. WHY? Sash shouldn’t have to feel bad for wheeling and dealing. He did play the best strategic game.

So this final 3 doesn’t really like each other.

Sash calls Fabio and Chase his “wing men.” Fabio says Sash can take a back seat and take notes on how this is going to go.

So … Fabio gets a little power and it goes straight to his head. The smugness. Just because his journey ends well doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten how it began.

This is probably the most important day of Fabio’s life, he says. The edit is handing this to him, in total.

They get food and champagne and pancakes and stuff.

Do they have to burn the camp? Can't they let it stand?

Chase keeps telling Fabio he thinks he’s going to win. This is so frustrating. Everyone in this game has short, bitter memories. Fabio is confident and proud, as if he hasn’t been clueless for 90 percent of this game. I’m sickened.

9:51 p.m.: Chase says he’s had more of a relationship with the people on the island than Fabio. And he thinks he played a better game than Sash. He was targeted as a physical threat from the beginning but still made it to the end. That’s exactly why I picked him as my second to win, after Sash. Big, strong, game. Complicated, sure, but all good games are. I hate when they coast, ala Fabio, who is so proud to have finally woken up.

9:53 p.m.: FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL!

Chase gets to speak first. It’s been an honor to play and he invites the questions. He knows he’s pissed off some people.

How many hours do you think Brenda spent brushing her hair to prep for final tribal?

Fabio says they’ve had some good times. His strategy was to be himself and stay in the clear. In the end he knew he had to step up and win. He played a stand-up game. He thinks he deserves a million dollars and he would have a lot of fun with it. He laughs and the jury laughs LIKE THERE’S A LAUGH TRACK. Dammit. I hate this kid and the jury that loves him.

Sash seems too smart in his jury speech. Juries hate that, ala Stephen Fishbach over JT Thomas. Sash says the friendships he formed he takes more seriously than the alliances. The alliances were part of the game. He makes a respectful argument. Not arrogant or self-absorbed, ala Russell Hantz … or Fabio, for that matter.

9:58 p.m.: JURY QUESTIONS

Brenda is up first. She’s really proud of them. She enjoyed playing with Sash. Making alliances and breaking them and asking for votes … she doesn’t think that’s smart. But didn’t she turn on people a lot, too? It’s part of the game. She calls Chase “my snuggle buddy.” She had an emotional attachment to him. It was “shocking” how easy it was for him to vote her out, she says. He says first thing he heard of her vote, he came to her. Which is true. He tried to save her. She didn’t scramble. Sash says he thinks Chase could’ve stepped up more. Sash could’ve handed out the idol. She doesn’t even talk to Fabio?

Marty is next. There’s good reasons why they are there and he isn’t. He wants to play something out with Chase. There’s going to be a “dumber than a bag of hammers” award. Who would it go to? Marty is not eligible but it can go to anyone on the jury or the final 3. Chase calls it a BS question. He wouldn’t pick anyone but Marty. Marty says Sash is a cerebral player. Marty calls Fabio “dude” and he thinks Fabio has changed the most as a person and a player. OK.

Holly asks Chase what he considers his best strategical move that he made on his own. He said his initial move to vote Shannon out. It allowed him to vote with people he could trust. Does Fabio think winning the last immunity challenge was too little too late. Fabio laughs and says it was the best timing possible. Did Sash ever lie to Holly. Sash says yes he did. They both made a commitment that they would never write each other’s names down. At the end they both had to write each other’s names down. Holly says she truly respects them and she had a great time.

Jane! Jane says someone must’ve raised Sash good to be a “New York City river rat.” He can go back to the gutter. Fabio laughs like this wasn’t incredibly rude and out of nowhere. Hunt the Cure was started by Chase’s brother. If he wins, $100,000 is going to that charity to help cure cancer. He’ll also take care of his mom. Fabio puts his hand up, that he wants to take care of his mom and dad as well. Jane doesn’t even ask Fabio anything.

Benry says he’s heard everything he needs from Chase. He congratulates Fabio on back-to-back-to-back immunity wins. Benry says he was able to see through Sash’s fake smile. What did Benry do wrong that Sash could see? He asks for Sash’s assessment. That tells me that Sash is seen as the best.

BITTER ASS JURY

Dan says Sash is a liar and a phony. He calls him “spineless” and he hates that smile. He wants him to fix his eye wink. Dan is an ass. Dan calls Chase the most paranoid player in the game. As if Dan has a right to say a goddamn thing. Chase let Dan down. Chase: “This is Survivor, Dan.” Dan: “Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.”

AND YOU JUST PROVED IT, YOU ASS!

Purple Kelly. Sash gets 60 seconds to explain how he outwitted everyone. Sash thinks he should’ve been voted out at the merge. He’s getting feedback that he hurt too many people. Kelly likes his honesty. That was it? She didn’t talk to anyone else?

No one is even asking Fabio anything.

NaOnka says Chase was her boy. Fabio was her friend. Sash was the strategic player. NaOnka asks Fabio if seeing his mom was gasoline to fuel him to go on. Fabio chokes up. “Yeah, man. It got me to the end.” Oh Lord.

Why is everyone crying over that?

Alina says Fabio is the ultimate surfer boy and she loves that, but she doesn’t want to give a million dollars to a boy. She wants to give it to a man. Nice! She wants Sash to convince her that he deserves to win over the other guys. Sash says Fabio didn’t know what was going on most of the time. (True! Like the Benry vote where he voted for Holly.) Alina is pleasantly surprised by Chase tonight. Chase says everyone called him wishy-washy but it was him finding himself a way out.

This is all just reinforcing my personal ranking:

1. Sash

2. Chase

3. Fabio

Fabio tells Alina he got through the game without backstabbing anyone and that’s hard. Chase says he got there because he didn’t know what the hell was going on. He won three immunities in a row, but “This isn’t the NBA finals.” NICE ONE, CHASE! It’s outwit, outplay, outlast.

Why does everyone credit Fabio with getting them to the final 3? It was not his decision alone.

10:18 p.m.: THE JURY VOTES FOR A WINNER!

Purple Kelly is first. She is a quitter and her vote should note count.

Marty calls Chase the dumbest player to ever play this game and Sash is a weasel. Marty gushes over Fabio, saying he loves his game and believes everything he said. Vomit. Vote for Fabio.

Alina says Chase impressed her tonight. He came in there like no one she had seen before. He had his game face on. True.Vote for Chase.

Dan votes for Fabio, which proves my point about the entire season.

Brenda makes a meal out of her vote. She finally reveals it to be Chase! Yay!”I hope that you win and I am really proud of you. Congratulations.” Nice! Chase did make a very good argument for himself.

Chase, Fabio and Sash at the live finale. Guess we can't call him Fabio without the hair, though.

10:21 p.m.: LIVE FINALE

Fabio cut his hair. Chase and Sash look handsome.

1. Fabio

2. Chase

3. Fabio

4. Chase

5. Chase

6. Fabio

7. Fabio

Was 8 for Chase? Anyway, they are tied now! Four votes Chase, four votes Fabio, none for Sash.

I miss his hair. He looks like Voldemort here. I wanted Sash or Chase. Oh well.

The winner of Survivor: Nicaragua: Fabio.

That was closer than the spoilers led us to believe. But Sash was still ROBBED.

10:28 p.m.: What are the odds. Everyone loves Fabio. Blah.

Fabio says his mom gets asked why did she name her son Fabio. Ha.

Now Fabio is pretending he played the goofball. He played himself, which means he is a goofball. Remember buying how Marty is a chess master?

So sick of The Fabio Show.

Shut this kid up. He’s not a mastermind. The audience adores him, though.

He’s the youngest winner ever, though. That’s cool He’s 21. He wants to start a production company, connect our dots around the world and undermind the government via communications and art.

Natalie White and Sandra Diaz-Twine never got to babble this much. God. I want to know who voted for whom.

Beautiful Brenda admits she tried to get rid of Sash and that's a good reason why Sash didn't save her.

Jeff asks Chase about the Brenda thing. It was a showmance. They were just friends. Brenda looks beautiful. All the girls are dressed up.

Brenda admits that she had planned to get rid of Sash. She told NaOnka and NaOnka told Sash. But she was still hoping to get the idol from Sash? Duh.

Jeff kept telling Sash he would be the first voted out. But he made the finals. And he SHOULD’VE WON!

Chase gets to play guitar in front of everyone. Fabio is in a band too, you know. But he plays drums.

10:43 p.m.: Jimmy Johnson’s turn to babble. Other than football, “Survivor” is his favorite show. He tried to get on this show 6 or 7 years ago. Do you think they cast Fabio? A model living in the L.A. area? Seems like it to me. I hate when they cast for people instead of letting regular folks audition.

Survivor saved Jimmy’s life? It got him healthy. He applied again so he could be on the show and be eliminated pretty fast.

According to Wikipedia, Holly, Jane, Brenda and Alina voted for Chase. Dan, Benry, Purple Kelly, NaOnka and Marty voted for Fabio. I wish they had just asked for a show of hands at the reunion, ’cause I don’t know if I trust this intel. If true, it’s all the more reason why quitters should not have votes on the jury.

Jesus, Dan is tan.

Holly looks gorgeous.

Holly bought Dan ostrich boots.

Don't reward Dan for anything he did on this show.

Jeff: “How rich are you?” (Not half as rich as you, Probst!)

Dan doesn’t want to say anything in case the IRS is watching!

10:54 p.m.: Time to talk to Jane.

Jeff is pushing her likability. Is she really that well liked? I liked her best at first, then switched my love to Holly.

Jane is bitter and was unnecessarily mean to both Marty and Sash. She was waaayyyy too personal in her attacks on both men.

10:56 p.m.: NaOnka. Jeff says it wouldn’t be a great season of “Survivor” without a great villain. It wasn’t a great season.

The quitters should not get much airtime.

NaOnka pretends she only knocked Kelly Bruno down as another competitor. But she focused on her artificial leg THE WHOLE TIME. She talked about it as if she hated Kelly for having a faux leg.

Here's Sash meeting Russell Hantz before the live finale. I bet they had a lot to talk about.

NaOnka has been getting heat from parents at the schools she works at. She thinks that’s ridiculous because people shouldn’t be judged in their personal lives based on how they play a game on a TV show. I think she should be judged on how delusional she is, and how she quit the second things went wrong.

Jeff talks to NaOnka’s mom. Mom says she is a little bit like NaOnka. She’s the good girl, though.

YAY! New rule will help keep quitters off the jury!

Did you see Boston Rob sitting behind Jeff as Jeff talked about the Sprint Player of the Season being named next? Not a coincidence…

11:07 p.m.: SPRINT PLAYER OF THE SEASON

Jeff says this person won the most votes ever. It wasn’t even close.

“It was a blowout” for … Jane? $100,000. So she threw Sash under the bus for nothing. She makes $50,000 a year??? That’s a lot!!!

Jimmy T.! He won’t not be heard. He tried too hard and played with this heart.

Alina was always laughing and smiling? She was a good jury member, I have to say.

Segue into how they are all part of the “Survivor” family. Boston Rob in the audience. Rob and Amber just had their second baby, Carina Rose Mariano, born Dec. 10.

Ambah! She’s a “Survivor.” “She just got it done.”

Amber is the one who actually won — deserved or not. (And we all know it’s “not.”) She needs to stop having babies so she can come back and try to earn her legacy.

11:15 p.m.: SEASON 22 TEASER

They have a twist that will change the game.

This time when someone is voted out, they will not go home. They will be forced to live on “Redemption Island.” Next voted out will go there too. Then there’s a head-to-head duel. The only way to stay alive is to win. One person will survive long enough to re-enter the game.

Whuh?

It’s like the Outcasts twist meets Exile Island meets “Hunger Games.”

“Survivor: Redemption Island” starts in February.

Jeff calls on Cirie and Rupert in the audience. Are they going to be on the show? Will Rob and Russell be on the show or was that rumor just a rumor?

Russell groupies, don't even start. He's still not the best Survivor player ever. He won't be until he plays a third season, like Rob, where people will have SEEN him play before.

By Gina Carbonegina_carbone@comcast.net

I’m nowhere near a place where I can talk about what just happened on the “I’m Not a Good Villain” episode of “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.”

So I’d like to start with the top three descriptions for Russell Hantz:

3. “The Evil Oompa Loompa” (that one’s mine)
2. “The hobbit on crack.” (Boston Rob Mariano)
1. “A bandy-legged little troll who, you know, sort of like scampers around with his tooth missing and, you know, is in and out of the bushes and never washes.”

Thank you, Courtney Yates, for that last, apt description.

No thank you, Coach Ben Wade, for pointlessly writing Courtney’s name down instead of Russell’s.

And don’t give me that crap about “loyalty.” Your first loyalty was to Rob. Then you shifted to the second person you spoke to. Then the third…

At least Jerri's (dumbass) vote was an attempt at strategy. Coach's vote for Courtney was just passive-aggressive.

Coach is loyal to whoever pays him the most attention. He’s like my cat.

And Jerri scratches him behind his ego.

She’s his special lady friend.

And she’s weak. Very weak. Or as she put it, “I’m not a good villain.”

She waffles more than Sunday brunch at IHOP and her ultimate decision was to distrust Rob — whom she’s seen in action in the past — in favor of Russell.

Can you imagine Jerri’s face when she actually watched Russell on “Samoa”?

Because, really, what is her end game? She has Coach (for now) but how can she think she’s anything other than No. 5 on Russell’s list of People To Take To The End?

I believe he will at least attempt to stay with Danielle till the end, because she’s useless.

Seriously, Why Is Danielle?

Especially when she makes arguments like this:

Danielle: “What’s the positive to keeping Rob besides keeping the tribe strong? He’s a mover and a shaker. He can’t be trusted.”

Jerri, I used to like you and I still would if you voted for Rob because you really felt strongly about it -- the way Russell does. Instead, you waffled and whined and it was almost an accident that you picked this R over the other. You disappoint me, my not-so young padawan.

Do I respect his game? I respect how he manages to form insta-harems. No idea why. He’s disgusting enough on his own, but not washing and having a missing tooth? I’d cuddle with Rupert first.

He is so dang lucky. He got lucky with idiots last season and he got lucky again.

He also got lucky in that he got to sit out the final immunity challenge, where Rob failed to do everything for the Villains the way he usually does.

Jerri is weak. Coach is weak. Danielle is stupid. Parvati needs to have that big fake smile slapped off her face.

I can’t wait for the merge. I just pray that the remaining five Heroes stick together and don’t fall prey to The Russell Seed.

By the way, congrats, Colby Donaldson, on manning up. Three baskets (or two and an assist) in the basketball style challenge! Don’t get cocky.

And congrats to JT Thomas and Amanda Kimmel for finally figuring out how to solve a puzzle.

And congrats to Russell for … no, I can’t do it. I can’t.

***

A VISIT TO THE VILLAINS CAMP

Rob said he has played Survivor three times and the last night’s tribal was the first time he was “shocked” by an outcome.

Something doesn’t feel right, he said.

What? That the hobbit on crack got dumbass Tyson to make a bad move?

Rob didn’t understand how Russell, Danielle and Parvati could be so cocky.

They got him talking, anyway. They got him scared.

Rob is trying to figure out if one of the people in his tent (*psst*Coach!*andmaybeJerri*) is just pretending to be mad at the Three Stooges and if in reality the joke is on him.

Russell believes Jerri has “all kind of respect for me now” because he put his butt on the line for Parvati.

(Others may think that was chivalrous, but you, sir, are no Gryffindor! You are squarely in Slytherin.)

Jerri hated Parvati and he believes he brought them together.

Russell: “But I’m that good, where I can bring people together in this game for my good.”

Vomit.

The whole Rob vs. Russell thing has tapped into Jerri’s fear of commitment.

Parvati —with her big smile — told the camera “listen, crazy pants!” over Jerri, because at this point Coach and Jerri were in the middle of the two alliances: Russell, Parvati and Danielle vs. Rob, Sandra and Courtney.

***

A TRIP TO HEROES CAMP

Rupert, of all people, is making speeches about how they need Colby to step up.

Yeah, but have you met you, Rupert? Pot. Kettle. Consider doing the same.

But even Colby believes it is put-up-or-shut-up time for Colby.

And it is. Sure it is. But it’s past that point for Rupert.

***

REWARDS CHALLENGE

Another basketball style challenge. Bad sign for the Heroes. They suck at this.

The reward: Waterfall lunch with beef, fruit and other stuff.

The villains sat out three women: Courtney, Sandra and Parvati.

(Sidenote: I HATE Parvati’s smile. Have I mentioned?)

Colby missed two shots while the other guys fought in the water.

Ha! But at least it wasn’t as sad as Coach’s shot.

Come on, Colby!

YES!

Finally, Colby does something. But I smell a rat. I think there was some production help on that. It seems to … perfectly timed. No?

Jeff Probst: “Colby has had Coach’s number in this challenge.”

1-800-Dragon-Sobber

Candice got the second point for the Heroes!

They were only playing to three.

JT is a good sprinter.

Colby got a third point!

Colby: “Redemption, baby!”

Jealous of the pick-up-hug he gave Candice, but she deserved it.

Colby said the win bought him some time and relieved tension in the tribe, but don’t forget: This was just the rewards challenge.

And the other person who got a goal was the other person on the outs with the main Heroes alliance: JT, Amanda and Rupert.

So if they lose immunity it’s still probably going to be Colby or Candice.

***

WATERFALL BEER

Heroes were enjoying their meal as “the fantastic five” when Candice read some slip of paper that said there was another immunity idol at their beach.

Girl, you should’ve kept that to yourself.

I LOVE Amanda’s green hoodie. Why don’t I have a green hoodie?

JT tried to play Rob, suggesting they all look for the idol together.

They all agreed.

Ha ha!

Colby believes they are all “fighting the good fight” as a team.

Maybe it’s true. But I don’t buy it.

***BACK AT THE VILLAINS CAMP

Jerri talks to Russell and Coach.

Russell said he didn’t want to swear on his family or anything, but he wants to take Coach and Jerri to the top three.

Or so he told Coach and Jerri.

He also told them he didn’t think he could beat Parvati for the million.

Coach seems to be on to him. He told the camera Russell was “spinning a pure line of gold” and he was worried that Jerri was buying it.

Tip: If Coach is onto you, your game is too obvious. It’s going to backfire.

Jerri told Coach she’s made her decision and she hopes and prays Coach will be there because he’s the only other person she can look in the eyes and trust. They’ve been together since day one.

Love the soft guitar in the background!

Coach said, yes, he and Jerri are honor bound (was there some marriage ceremony in the background?) so he will follow her.

Ohhhhhh. Nooooooooo. Coach and Jerri are talking about how they don’t trust Rob.

But now it’s turning soap opera.

Coach’s feelings are hurt because she made a pact with Russell and just hoped Coach would follow.

He felt like she was saying she trusted him and Russell equally and he hoped that was not the case.

She said it was not the case at all.

And, once again, someone on the Villains tribe has to console the baby dragon slayer.

Jerri: “You and I are in a really good position and, you know, it just finally made sense to me.”

Coach, pouting: “I just can’t believe you just threw all of your eggs into Russell’s basket.”

Jerri: “Well, I wouldn’t say all my eggs.”

Stop talking about eggs. It’s kind of creepy.

Jerri told the camera Coach is too naïve. He is dead set against manipulating people and you can’t be that way on this show.

Well, it’s not true that he’s dead set against backstabbing an manipulating. He is supposedly on Rob’s side, but he bowed to Russell like a serf.

***

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

We’re back to tribal immunity. You know, I really liked the double elimination with individual immunity.

Villains sat out Jerri, Danielle and Russell.

(Has Danielle done a single thing in this game?)

Oh not another puzzle. We know how this tends to go. Maybe the Heroes will rally. (Ha ha!)

Candice did very well on her first time running across that tarp thing.

Courtney, you may not be terribly strong at challenges, but you're funny. And you hate Russell. Therefore, I am on your side. Please connect with JT after the merge and convince him to toast the troll.

Courtney lost “a ton of time for the Villains,” as Jeff put it.

But that shouldn’t matter to the Villains at this point. They have enough numbers on their side that one “weak” player is almost a plus to keep around.

Jeff mentioned again that Rob tends to be good at puzzles. Which makes me think the Heroes will win and someone will try to get rid of Courtney. And by “someone” I mean the bandy-legged troll.

JT and Amanda were doing “a great job on the puzzle,” Jeff said.

According to the ousted Tom, JT is enamored with Amanda.

And they won.

So a Villain is going home.

***

MORE ROB VS. RUSSELL ALPHA MALE PISSING

Coach, of course, took the obvious knee-jerk reaction: Get rid of Courtney because in this one challenge she did not do well. He’s conveniently forgetting how Colby had his number in the rewards challenge.

I think Coach is just trying to justify his decision to stick with Jerri who has decided to stick with Russell.

Why do people follow Russell? Can someone explain?

Oh, and Russell describes it as Rob getting his butt kicked out there.

He was lucky that he wasn’t out there and I’m sure he believes he could’ve won it for them.

Why is Rob talking to Russell at all?

Russell said one of the two who should go home are one of these two “right here,” pointing to Sandra Diaz or Courtney.

Rob said he’d never heard of that approach before — just pointing at someone and saying “I want to vote you off.”

I’m so done with Russell’s self-congratulation in the video interviews.

Coach tried to convince Rob to vote out Courtney. Rob said Courtney is loyal and that matters to him and — nice touch — doesn’t that matter to Coach?

Rob knew Coach’s reputation for being loyal was the most important thing to him.

Coach bumped fists with Rob. Coach called Rob his right-hand man. He’s close to being a big liar here.

Rob wants to get rid of Russell BECAUSE HE’S NOT STUPID. He’s the only one.

The group wants to blindside Rob.

If only they had seen the “Samoa” season they wouldn’t say this.

Danielle: “What’s the positive to keeping Rob besides keeping the tribe strong? He’s a mover and a shaker. He can’t be trusted.”

What? That’s Russell.

Danielle said Rob is the biggest threat. If only they knew.

Coach is too easily led.

Coach said he can’t go back on his word to Russell and company, but he already gave his word to Boston Rob. So no matter what he’s screwed himself.

Rob knows that the other side is going after him.

Rob is the only smart player. OK, Russell is manipulative and savvy, but he’s mostly just lucky.

Rob to Jerri: “You can always trust somebody when their back’s against the wall.”

Once again, if only they had seen “Samoa.” They would treat Russell 10 times worse than Rob.

Jerri isn’t sure what to do.

I would like to read an interview with Jerri, explaining exactly what she expected to get from this decision.

***

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Rob vs. Russell at tribal. Solidly Team Rob all the way.

Coach just wants his two soldiers to get along.

Rob: “At some point you pick someone to trust and you go with that. And that’s all there is to do. And I did that. And I think tonight’s vote is going to be to bring this tribe closer together.”

Jerri is still waffling but she has convinced herself she’s made the right call.

Rob voted for Russell. He believes “Game over. It’s either you or me.”

PLEEEEEEASE don’t give the troll the satisfaction of winning over Rob.

He set them up with the perfect plan to get rid of either flirty Parvati Shallow or the evil Oompa Loompa and got the tribe ringside seats for the Heroes tribal council.

Even Russell said the best idea for the “other” Villains would be to split the vote three and three — three for Parvati, three for Russell.

That way, if Russell played the not-so hidden immunity idol, Parvati would go. But if Russell gave the idol to Parvati — which he did, after a pompous speech where he remembered to name drop the equally self-important Coach — Russell would go.

It was a great plan. As Rob told the group, “We can’t lose.”

But they could! Because Tyson screwed it up.

He was supposed to vote for Russell. But he believed Russell when Russell told him he wanted to save Parvati, but didn’t think it would be possible.

Russell told Tyson he was going to vote for Parvati. Tyson — scared because he figured Russell and Parvati would be voting for him, since they couldn’t vote off Rob — tried to cover his own ass by switching his vote from Russell to Parvati.

Now is the time to play Superman, Colby. Regroup. Make Tina proud. Make me proud. Whatever. Just don't steal bananas. We know how that ends.

So he deserved to go home. And I can only hope that the next time the Villains go to tribal council, Rob and SandraDiaz-Twine are able to keep a stable Russell ousting together.

Oh. And Colby? Time to man up, Sally. Own your tribe.

May I suggest dumping Rupert, Amanda and JT in that order? As long as you ditch JT before the merge, you should be all set.

****

INTRO POSTURING

Amanda is sick of Candice, because Candice wanted James out. (But she voted for Tom! Move on!)

Russell approached Boston Rob at night.

He told Rob he didn’t want to go after his throat. But he told the camera he only wanted Rob to think that.

He and Rob are now gunning for each other.

Rob: “Russ is going to find out soon enough that he’s out of his league.”

Rob said a lot of people are mad that Russell went out for the idol.

They have a “watch your back” battle.

Stop it, you’re both pretty!

****

ROPE CHALLENGE

Vague tree mail arrived about being at the end of your rope. They weren’t sure if it was for immunity or reward and Colby wanted to know what it meant for James, whose leg is injured.

The Villains were surprised that James was still around. (Me too.)

Jeff Probst said today they would be competing as individuals against their tribe mates because both tribes were going to tribal council.

Each person would be attached to a rope as they maneuver through an obstacle course.

Both winners from each tribe will square off with the winner getting his or her tribe hot dogs and soft drinks, which they will enjoy while watching the other team’s tribal council.

Tyson won this challenge in his season. He looked around when Jeff mentioned that, like he was looking for the Tyson that Jeff was talking about. That’s you, dumbass. (Sorry. NOT a Tyson fan.)

The Villains won the coin toss and had the Heroes go first.

James was actually in the lead during the challenge, with Colby stuck in the middle.

Love of God, Colby, MAN UP.

Candice won the individual immunity for the Heroes. So shut it, Amanda.

JT told the camera that Candice was the only thing stopping Colby from going home next.

So it’s 8:13 p.m. and he’s saying that. If Colby does go home after this, nice job spoiling it out of the gate.

Rob, you won. Twice. And have individual immunity. I know you're still stuck with Russell, but cheer up. At least you're not playing with the Career Builder monkeys on the Heroes tribe.

Right off the bat, Rob, Tyson and Russell were in the lead for the Villains. Sandra was making “no progress at all,” as Jeff put it.

Parvati and Coach were putting up good fights, too.

Rob was through the first section first.

Come on, Rob!

Yes! He won!

SUCK THAT DOWN, EVIL OOMPA LOOMPA! Ha ha.

Showdown between Boston Rob and Candice.

They added a third level to make it more difficult.

Rob was in the lead but Candice was right behind him.

Boston Rob won. Seriously, this guy is The Man.

Having said that, this makes the Russell vs. Rob story that much less dramatic.

They both have immunity idols. Rob can force Russell to play his tonight, though.

****

VILLAINS TRIBE — RUSSELL AND PARVATI MAKE A PLAN

Parvati said she went into the challenge knowing she had to win … and then Rob won.

Rob wasn’t exactly congratulating himself for beating a girl.

Rob gathered his troops and said they would vote out Parvati but make it seem like they wanted to vote out Russell.

Rob told Russell it’s better to be with him than against him.

Russell told Parvati he’s not stupid: He knows they are trying to flush the idol out. He said he was going to write down Tyson’s name and give the idol to Parvati.

****
HEROES TRIBE — COLBY OR JAMES?

Colby told the camera he needed an A+ performance to save himself and James beat him, even injured.

Colby addressed the troops, saying he knew he would be going home that night. He said no scrambling needed, no hard feelings on his part.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN, THINK OF ME.

Even if you have no thoughts for yourself, think of what a loss it will be for me with you gone.

James and Colby had a talk.

And by “talk” I mean James called Colby “the great Colby,” and said if he turns it on and starts winning they’ll be all right.

“But if it’s the old sleepy-ass Colby, you know, that gets beat by a fat man and a cripple, that ain’t right.”

HARSH!

Poor Colby’s reputation is getting ruined. One of the “baddest competitors” ever has seen his muscles go away.

As James told the camera, it almost brought him to tears. “It’s like my superman sucks.”

JT, Rupert, Candice and Amanda had a powwow about Colby vs. James.

JT said James eats them out of house and home. He eats too many bananas.

Rupert said he eats four bananas on the way to challenge and three more on the way back.

Amanda, who loves James and said last week that he treats her like a little sister, told James he has to stop stealing bananas.

It’s come to this. “Banana Etiquette,” just like the episode title.

James and JT raced down the beach to show that his leg was OK.

Rupert told the camera James is a fighter, James is power, James is on his side.

Colby is not a fighter, Rupert said.

JT told the camera James is the kind of person who will not let you know he’s hurt until he’s in a stretcher. They have to look at the big picture.

****

VILLAINS TRIBE — ROB’S THREE-WAY PLAN

Rob said they should split the vote three and three.

Three for Parvati, three for Russell.

Three of the other side are going to pick someone else, probably Tyson.

If they vote three and three there’s a tie.

If he plays the idol, she’s going home. If she plays the idol, he’s going home.

“We can’t lose.”

Rob said it was an “insurance policy” with the idol so they can’t blindside them.

Rob has an alliance with Tyson.

Tyson said the vote would be “pretty straightforward” which means it won’t be!

He said Rob, Tyson and Sandra would vote for Russell.

Courtney, Coach and Jerri would vote for Parvati.

(Where is Danielle in all of this? Is she with Russell and Parvati? Is she just sliding through?)

Stupid alpha males. They should just form their own alliance and duke it out in the final two.

By Gina Carbonegina_carbone@comcast.net

Don’t blame Canada. Blame basketball.

For one night only, “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” will air at 8 p.m. on a Wednesday. Tonight. March 24. CBS.

Be there or miss “Banana Etiquette” with its double elimination.

Explain the value of Rupert at this point in the game.

No matter what happens at the challenge (guessing it’s an individual immunity), both the Heroes and Villains will be going to tribal council and voting someone out.

In this video teaser,Rupert Boneham of the Heroes asks the camera “Who do we keep? James, who is fighting to stay in the game, or Colby, who’s ready to walk out?”

First of all, they should probably dump Rupert, who was not exactly an ace player even before he busted his toe right out of the gate.

Second, since Rupert is in an alliance with James Clement, it’s not hard to imagine what he will convince himself to do.

But it’s disappointing to hear — AGAIN — that Colby Donaldson wants to jump ship.

He was a Grumpy Gus during “All-Stars,” which Jeff Probst convinced him to do, and earlier this season on “Heroes vs. Villains” he was whining about being done.

I know it’s tough when your alliance is being picked off one by one by a team of monkeys who don’t know — 20 SEASONS INTO A FRANCHISE — that you need to keep strong players around until the merge.

How 'bout we form an eye candy alliance?

But you have to man up, Sally!

We need you. I need you. Who the heck am I supposed to stare at once you’re gone?

JT is charming in a when-will-they-learn-to-stop-trusting-me sense, but he’s no Timothy Olyphant.

And Tyson Apostol?

Let’s hope Tyson’s little teaser clip, “I feel a little uneasy,” actually amounts to a real threat for him and not just some kind of decoy about his baby dragon, Coach, who felt “caught in the cross-fire” between Boston Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz.

As we see Boston Rob tell Russell: “If you don’t have that idol you need to go get it.”

Russell: “I don’t have it.”

Rob, chuckling, moves to pat Russell on the back: “Well, it’s been real!”

Why am I still here?

Are you seriously going to let this man be your swing vote?

Oh, if only they could get rid of Russell.

But if they force him to play the idol, and votes against him don’t count at tribal council, who would that send home? Rob? Could Russell get Coach and Tyson to write down Rob’s name?

This could be interesting.

What I wish would happen: Vote out either James or Rupert from the Heroes and Russell from the Villains.

What I think will happen: They’ll vote out Colby from the Heroes and … they can’t get rid of Rob. The Villains aren’t quite that stupid. They have to know they still need him. Maybe Danielle DiLorenzo.

Why is she even there?

Watch me finally win!

Guess I can answer my own question: Both tribes seem intent at this point to hold pissing matches between the alpha males instead of thinking with more strategic organs.

At this point I’m still holding out hope for a Colby vs. Jerri Manthey finale, but the realistic part of my brain wonders if we’re going to see a Amanda Kimmel vs. Parvati Shallow redux.

Oh it’s about time the Villains got served. I drink your mudslide. I drink it up!

“Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” had one of those classic mano e mano mud challenges on “That Girl is Like a Virus.”

And it was good.

Not only did the Heroes dominate, they knocked ALL the Villains on their faces.

In the case of James Clement, it wasn’t enough to finish the 8-8 job by knocking down old man Randy Bailey, he also threw his wrestling pad at Randy in the mud.

I can’t stand Parvati Shallow, but she’s right: James is probably on the wrong tribe. (Or was that Courtney Yates who said that? They didn’t show the person speaking, just the voice-over. I don’t like her either.)

Russell Hantz was the first to get thrown in the mud — “easily” — by Tom Westman.

That’s what Russell gets for not only sleeping with Parvati (aka the titular virus girl, a phrase courtesy of Jerri Manthey), hiding the Villains’ machete and threatening to hide Boston Rob’s Red Sox hat, but for daring to insult the Red Sox in favor of the Houston Astros. (Please. In your ugly mud dreams, baby face.)

Rupert Boneham owned an angry Coach Wade after Coach — “inadvertent or not” — used his arm against Rupert.

Cirie Fields owned Jerri Manthey.

JT Thomas knocked out Tyson Apostol, which felt GREAT.

Amanda Kimmel barely knocked out Danielle DiLorenzo.

I was worried for my boy Colby Donaldson after his Coach debacle in episode one, so it felt PERFECT for him to beat Boston Rob Mariano.

And then James did his damage on Randy. Why the Villains let the biggest Hero take on their oldest man is beyond me. Especially when at that point the wrestling floor was so covered in mud it would take a true champion to stay afloat.

It just took one push for James to end the game.

The heroes got immunity and reward — coffee (that’s all I would need), sugar, rice and mementos from home.

And the Villains went to tribal council for the first time.

Never thought I’d agree with Tyson, but it did seem like the Heroes loaded up on steroids before the challenge.

It was kind of scary how pumped they got about winning each match. Colby and Rupert were especially amusing, but it was hilarious to see Coach’s epic self-congratulation before Jeff Probst finally got through to him that his first match against Rupert didn’t count.

Earlier in the episode, Boston Rob gave a classic “Survivor” tip: If you want to know the real alliances, watch who people sleep next to at night.

That’d be Coach next to Jerri and Russell (married) spooning with Parvati.

Parvati apparently flirts and smiles with everyone. People think she’s the queen waiting to be fed grapes.

But then during tribal council, Coach — who has the sensitivity of a 12-year-old girl — got insulted by a casual comment by Sandra Diaz, who wasn’t even in the challenge. (She and Courtney Yates sat it out.)

It’s interesting that right after it was mentioned at tribal that the machete grew legs and walked off, Russell (who stole and buried it at night) got a chance to compliment his tribe in comparison to the “dodos” he played with on “Samoa.” The Villains actually seemed flattered. Courtney even “awww”-ed a bit.

There’s no crying in “Survivor.” There’s also no forced cuddling or bad puzzle-making.

One, maybe you get a pass.

Two, you seriously get on my boy Colby’s nerves.

Three? You’re out.

Sugar, you’re out. Auf wiedersehen. Go clean up your space.

The premiere of “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains” has just come and gone.

True to the first episode’s title, “Slay Everyone, Trust No One,” my initial thoughts went to The Dragon Slayer, Coach Benjamin Wade.

Not only did Coach somehow manage to take out the still dreamy Colby Donaldson during a kind of rugby challenge — leaving the still hateable Tyson Apostol to say Colby should just give up his manhood and become a woman — he is running a flirty charm campaign on two fronts: With Jerri “Black Widow” Manthey and Rob “Boston Rob” Mariano.

He seems to be genuinely crushing on both.

Jerri’s fellow female villains are trying to make a cupid match between The Black Widow and The Dragon Slayer, but I’m rooting for more egregious sucking up as Coach repeatedly tells Boston Rob he’s “hanging on every word” Rob says.

*I sense a Valentine’s love match! Look out, Amber!*

Meanwhile a clearly envious Evil Russell Hantz silently seethes, still a patient spider waiting for the right moment to strike.

The Heroes tribe won reward — thanks in part to good football maneuvers by uber-threat J.T. Thomas and a topless run by Jessica “Sugar” Kiper.

They got fire as part of their reward, which didn’t mean too much when Boston Rob made fire from the sheer magical bounty of his awesomeness.

(Even Rob thinks his tribe would be smart to get rid of him first … but he doesn’t think they are that smart. Then again, judging by the previews for next week, Rob may take himself out of the game with a classic medical illness. There were already two injuries on night one — Rupert’s broken toe and … was it Stephenie’s shoulder? I still don’t know Stephenie.)

However, during the immunity challenge, the Heroes managed to blow a major lead from kayaking out to a torch when Cirie Fields, Sugar, Rupert Boneham and Amanda Kimmel couldn’t get it together to figure out a puzzle.

Meanwhile Boston Rob, Sandra Diaz-Twine and Randy Bailey owned their puzzle. (Are the villains smarter or just more able to work together this one time? It won’t last.)

On cue, Sugar started crying and — bless him — Jeff Probst called her on it.

Colby already wanted to dump Sugar (who competed during the Gabon season) because, as she told the camera, she’s used to having some kind of “protector” and wanted to snuggle up to him at night. And she talked too much at night when everyone wanted to sleep.

(Is Colby … not into women, or just some women? I only ask because he famously turned down Jerri, has no interest in Sugar and I’ve never heard about him linked to anyone, except that his Who’s Dated Who page says he was dating Vanna White in 2002 (?). Meanwhile, I’ve read gossip that JT has been linked to both Sugar and Parvati Shallow. I do not want to believe either.)

Tom wants to get rid of Cirie, because she’s a very strategic player and has played this game three times.

Cirie wants to keep Sugar around precisely because she is so annoying. She’s no threat. Cirie wants to ditch Stephenie LaGrossa. (Who?)

Amanda was debating between Sugar and Stephenie. “Cirie and I are here for blood,” Amanda said.”We are here to win this thing.”

Amanda has made it to the end twice? I am nowhere near a “Survivor” expert. She’s an unfamiliar face to me.

During the first tribal council, the Heroes went from 10 to nine by eliminating Sugar.

This time, I am going to put my money behind … Jerri? Sure, why not. She’s manipulative without being too much of a threat. No one besides Colby is likely to have her on their radar. Coach has her back.