Wanting a Girl, but Having a Boy

"I've been dreaming about having a daughter forever, but my ultrasound showed that our baby is a boy. I feel guilty even admitting it, but I'm disappointed. Am I a bad mom already?"

Absolutely not. Many a mom-to-be has secretly (or not so secretly) wished for a girl or a boy, and then felt a surge of sadness — followed by a big dose of shame — when that wish wasn't granted. Gender disappointment (that’s a funny term, right?) is actually pretty common and so is wanting a baby girl if you’re a female. In fact, women who express a preference tend to want daughters, while men say they hope for a son. Why? Well, for one thing, you already know how to take care of a girl because you were one yourself not so long ago. And with all the huge changes coming your way — like giving birth and figuring out how to be a parent — it’s not surprising you’d seek what’s familiar. But remember that every new mom needs to take a leap of faith in order to trust her mothering ability. You’ll just have to leap a little higher, but you can do it.

It’s okay to spend some time feeling bad about not having a baby girl, but then it’s time to start dreaming about your beautiful baby boy. Some moms find that talking about their little guy’s name or buying him an adorable outfit or toy can help make him seem more real — and more precious.

Also remember that every baby comes with his, or her, unique personality. You may have been picturing a girly girl, but there’s no guarantee that your daughter would have loved princesses, ballet, and makeup. And the same goes for the boy you’re about to bear. Yes, he might be a rough-and-tumble kind of kid — but he might not be. Maybe he’ll shun sports and trains and love music. Or maybe he will adore all things automotive, and you’ll find yourself realizing that cars are actually pretty cool.

If the cloud of gender disappointment doesn't lift in a few days or a week, you might need some help to work through it. Feeling sad and hopeless — not just for a couple of minutes or once in a while but consistently — is a sign of depression, which is also pretty common among the pregnant set considering all the changes you’re going through (and all the hormones pumping through your body).

Tell your partner, a friend, or your doctor what’s on your mind. Depression or not, simply airing your feelings can lift your mood, and I bet you’ll find kindred spirits (maybe among your pals or in online discussions) who know just what you’re going through. They can reassure you that your disappointment is normal — and that it’ll disappear once you take one look at your little guy!

Go team blue,

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What to Expect When You're Expecting, 5th edition, Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel.