9/17/2015

Random Observations on a Clusterfuck at the Reagan Library

1. Last night's GOP debate at the Ronald Reagan Library and Whitewasheteria was the kind of sad spectacle you expect to see in a terrible film sequel. You know the ones, where some coked-up executive declares, "We made a metric shit-ton of money with one villain in that Spider-Man movie. In the next one, let's have three villains. No, no, fuck that. Let's have ten villains. They'll all fight each other, sometimes they'll team up, sometimes they'll die. It'll be crazy." And then you see the movie and it's just a worthless parade of nonsense threaded together by the lamest storyline ever, just an insult to you and anyone who gives a shit about films, about comic books, about life. Yet it still makes a metric shit-ton of money, which is just even sadder than the film on its own.

2. The eleven Republicans in the spotlight at the "main" debate were pathetic in their desperate pandering to the most extreme crazoids in their base. For instance, Chris Christie was talkin' about how much he loves the fetuses. And Mike Huckabee was shucking and jiving for Israel, not, as Ann Coulter said, because of all the fucking Jews. No, it's because Jeeezus says he needs Israel as Jewy as possible before he comes back to Rapture the living shit out of us. That's right. All Huck wants is for the Day of Reckoning to come and for the Lord to take away the righteous and damn the sinners and "Fuck all y'all, I'm headin' to Heaven."

3. Of course, there was the usual attempt to outgun each other on the use of the military. Scott Walker, Carly Fiorina, and Ted Cruz pretty much guaranteed to go to war with Iran, a fine use of the blood of soldiers and a responsible use of our tax dollars. Chris Christie took the Giuliani Prize for Gratuitous Over-Sharing About 9/11, lying again about how he was appointed U.S. Attorney on September 10, 2001.

4. Lies were the order of the night. Christie also blatantly lied about supporting medical marijuana in New Jersey. He opposed it except in the most limited of cases. He has said that it's back door "legalization." He fucked with the program as it exists, to the point where the New Jersey State Assembly formally rebuked him over it. He's a shitheel and a motherfucker about it and should stop pretending he's anything else.

5. Nobody lied more than Carly Fiorina. Nearly every fucking word out of her stupid fucking mouth was a fucking lie. She lied about what was in the Planned Parenthood videos. She lied about climate change. She lied about her record at Hewlett-Packard. She lied about the need for...fuck it, she just lied. But she lied with such confidence that everyone will mistake it for truth. So of course she's the winner of the debate.

6. It's hilarious that some people feel like Fiorina took down Donald Trump. No one scratched him at all. He's impervious to any kind of criticism (and looks terrible in HD). It was like nearly all the candidates tried to rape Trump, only to discover that he had filled his ass with concrete to block penetration. They were just slamming their dicks and strap-ons into it, thinking they could chip it away. Nope.

7. What else? Rand Paul was the sanest sounding person on the stage, so of course his candidacy is dead. Ben Carson, who pissed off the Marines, was so heavily sedated it looked like he was going to start licking Donald Trump. Marco Rubio is adorable. John Kasich was there. Jeb Bush is the Incredible Disappearing Man. None of them seem to understand the nuclear deal with Iran, since everything they said wasn't in the actual agreement is in the actual agreement. None of them seem to have heard that Vladimir Putin is actively trying to get some kind of end to the fighting in Syria.

8. The Rude Pundit watched all three hours, a punishingly long debate (and he gave a running commentary that you can listen to in the creepy absence of the debate at Rabble.tv). Drunk on whiskey and not nearly as sweaty as Scott Walker, he felt something akin to despair as 11 p.m. approached, as if the endless stream of deliberate misinformation (No, sorry, most Americans actually support Planned Parenthood), ludicrously dramatic rhetoric (No, sorry, Iran is not going to destroy the world), Hillary hatred, and Israel fellatio was just a plot to get us to stop giving a shit about the race at all.

The way we do our elections in the United States is like a prison sentence. We want it to end, but the only way to do it is to serve our time or escape. It is madness. At this point, we should just go back to conventions where filthy deals are made by filthy people in filthy rooms. It would still be more honorable than what we witnessed last night.