Someone who knows his where abouts please forward this open letter to USDASecretary Johanns. I think he is in his pickup truck somewhere in Texasgoing barn-to-barn with a photo...

--------------------June 28, 2005

Dear Secretary Johanns,

Is there any truth to the rumor that the U.S. Department of Agriculture willsoon print a photo of U.S. mad cow #2 ("Cow Jane Doe") onto the side panelof milk cartons?

Is it true that the USDA is so lost and desperate to find the herd she camefrom that you are turning to the tried-and-true milk carton method? Are youhoping that some member of the milk-drinking or cow-milking public willrecognize her image on a carton and call you?

Using the milk carton method sounds like a good idea at this oh-so-latedate, seven months after this mad cow first tested positive, and sevenmonths after she then tested negative at your state-of-the-art (and I domean art!) USDA lab.

Lots of news reports have suggested that Cow Jane Doe was from Texas, so youcould probably save taxpayer money by just printing her picture on Lone StarState milk cartons. (Maybe she belonged to some of the those tough Texascattlemen who sued Oprah for trying to warn us about mad cow in the USA backin 1996; that would be sweet western justice, indeed!)

Just have USDA print these words under her bovine image on the milk carton:"Do you recognize me? I'm a mad cow probably from Texas. If I lookfamiliar, please call USDA Secretary Mike Johanns at 1-800-MadCow#2 and tellhim all about me."

Finally, is anyone's USDA job on the line for gross incompetence andsuspected corruption in this case of the missing mad cow? Or is this one ofthose national security-type snafus where nobody is held accountable andwhoever should be will instead receive a Medal of Freedom from former Texasgovernor George Bush?