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Friday, November 15, 2013

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Nov. 15)

In the December 2013 issue of Esquire magazine, George Clooney slams Russell Crowe. Well, good news all you 30 Odd Foot of Grunts fans -- Crowe is featured in TWO (count 'em!) trailerz this week (neither of them good)! In your face, you "Frank Sinatra wannabe!"Maleficent
Release date: May 30, 2014

Uh, I should probably find something to say about this preview that has nothing to do with Angelina Jolie's double mastectomy. Let me come back to this ...

Noah
Release date: March 28, 2014

This looks bad. Like early 2000s CGI effects/TV miniseries/Jennifer Connelly needs to gain 30 pounds bad. I'm hoping the trailer is misrepresenting it, because a secular, end-of-the-world epic about a deranged shipbuilder who has fantastical visions COULD be interesting.

Tar
Release date: Dec. 1, 2013

Is this a fan-made trailer for James Franco's graduate thesis film? Survey says: CLOSE! It was actually written and directed by twelve New York University film students exploring the different parts of Pulitzer Prize winner C.K. Williams' life told through his poems. I could see watching this when I'm in a certain "brooding" mood. That time is not right now.

Winter's Tale
Release date: Feb. 14, 2014

Based on a book (sadly, not the Shakespeare play; rather, a novel from 1983), and it FEELS like a book. As a movie, it FEELS like rubbish. And let's ease off the gas with the "From Academy Award Winner Akiva Goldsman" nonsense. I mean, yes, dude won an Oscar for adapting A Beautiful Mind, but that film's kinda the worst. Let's not forget that a.) this is his directorial debut, and b.) he also wrote Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, and Lost in Space. Hardly the best pedigree. Never mind all that -- in this movie, a mysterious white horse named Athansor becomes Colin Farrell's guardian angel. Or, you know, BOX OFFICE GOLD(SMAN).

Only Lovers Left Alive
Release date: TBA

Look, I'm not going to sit here and bash Jim Jarmusch, a legitimate auteur; a visionary filmmaker. Stranger Than Paradise was one of the first DVDs I ever owned, I saw Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai in a theater (ON A DATE) and Broken Flowers has a great Bill Murray performance (not to mention [ahem] a memorable scene with Alexis Dziena). The guy deserves respect, and its admirable that he's still making movies his way. It's just, well ... THIS. A vampire story starring Loki? Feels like he's riding trendy coattails. Nominated for Palme d'Or at the 2013 Cannes Film Festival, so I'm sure it's still pretty ... Jarmuschian. And that's good, I guess.

Ride Along
Release date: Jan. 17, 2014

This preview has a bit of "funny" business at the front of it (I put the word funny in quotes because it is the opposite of funny and I am being sarcastic). Ice Cube says not to skip the intro, and Kevin Hart's like, "It's OK if you skip it." Then Ice Cube gives him a look. Then Kevin Hart backs down. Then the preview starts. THIS IS THE WEIRDEST THING I'VE SEEN TODAY. Unless ... he's talking about skipping the whole trailer? In which case, why would anyone do that? I mean, if anyone's watching this on YouTube (like I/you am/are), then he or she specifically chose to press play and watch this preview. It's not just like they're watching a TV show on their DVR with the OPTION to skip commercials -- this is a website that specifically allows people to pick and choose what they want to watch! Very odd. Also, I know Kevin Hart is small, but I never knew that Ice Cube has a HUGE FACE-SLASH-HEAD. So, the trailer ... uh, I got nothing. #dodougsjobforhim

4 comments:

Only Lovers Left Alive, I'll be there opening night. I CARE NOT FOR YOUR MOCKERY. (Kidding, I know you're not mocking, but if anyone can pull off a vampire movie in 2014 that has something different to say, Jarmuishc is pretty much on that list)