Sep 15, 2016

I have a request: if you are tall, and by
tall I mean six foot or so, please don't sit in the front when attending a
play, concert, reading, or, for that matter, any event. A calf-roping seminar
at the corral? Lean on a post a bit farther away. A Ronco Veg-O-Matic™
demonstration? Pony up on a stool near the back. A tattooing seminar? Okay, maybe
you need to get the details on that one. But don't stand in the front at the
packed concert! You have choices!

You can still see no matter where you
stand. You can watch the guitar player pick or strum or the lead singer dramatically collapse on his 22-year-old, futurely arthritic,
knees.You'd get a look at Hamlet pacing the boards,
holding Yorick's skull in hand, no matter where you sat. If you could get
tickets, you'd actually see Javier Muñoz as Hamilton.

But me? At five foot four? What I see is how
well you wash your neck. I can tell the age of your shirt by how frayed the
collar is and I know before your mother does if you’re using an effective stain
remover. Of course, if you're bobbing your head to the music, I see the
band as though they’re in a flipbook or have turned on a strobe light and
transported us all back to 1969. Head down—band visible, head up—your hair.
Head down—band visible, head up—your hair again.

To get an idea of what I’m talking about,
spring for some courtside seats at a basketball game, the seats right behind
the team. Maybe the Cavaliers (Channing Frye, 6’11”, Kevin Love, 6’ 10”) or the
Heat (Chris Bosh, 6’11”). That game is what life is like for height-challenged
people every day. We’re all like the little kid who can’t see over the table,
who keeps jumping up and asking, “What’s going on? No, really, what's going on?”

Here’s a thought—what if tickets were sold by
the purchaser’s height? You might actually get a discount because you’re in the
back.

And actually, in the first paragraph, I
lied.By tall, I don’t mean six foot or
so, I mean taller than me.