Take your privates off the empty dinner plate at Hugh Jackman’s place at the table. I meant food. Although, if you dip it in a sauce made of a White Castle chocolate shake, a blended Triple Whopper from Burger King and a dollop of whipped Ensure, Hugh just might nibble on it.

Hugh is currently devouring almost 6,000 calories a day to bulk up for the next Wolverine movie directed by Darren Aronofsky. Darren practically forced Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis to only feed on their own breath and eye sleepies to get ballerina skinny for Black Swan, and now he’s doing the opposite to Hugh. Hugh tells the L.A. Times (via SS):

“I’m on it right now, mate, already doing it. It’s 6,000 calories a day, it’s rough. Right now, I’m at 210. Yeah, right, I was 190, something like that. I don’t know how much I want to give away about it, but Darren said with the last one, ‘Hey you looked great, but you’re so tall that in those long shots you looked kind of like Clint Eastwood, and that’s not Wolverine.’ He said that Wolverine, in the comics, is powerful, stocky, you know, he’s short and thick. So he said, ‘I want you to go there, get bigger.’”

6,000 calories a day? Pff, that ain’t shit, said most of America. Hugh should come stay with me for a full week and I’ll have him eating at least 60,000 calories a day. First of all, I eat as though my system is only powered by corn syrup and a bunch of shit I can’t pronounce. Second of all, Hugh will constantly be stuffing his face because he’ll never want his mouth to be free when I ask, “Can we make out?” Can we make out? In goes a monster burrito. Can we make out? In goes a whole jar of Fluff. Can we make out? There goes Hugh’s mouth around my entire fridge.

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