Lycanthropy Lunar Phase Tracker

Zombie Outbreak in Texas!!!

Hail Survivors!

I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

Get Your Ghost Gabbing With Cherry Pie

(SOS/WTF/ASAP) Got a moany ghost in your house who won’t tell you want he wants? Help this week comes from an unlikely source. Hint: it’s all about the cherry pie!

Getting your ghost(s) to talk to you is possibly the penultimate problem of paranormal research. Helping your ethereal friends find eternal rest can be really hard if the only way they can express their feelings is with bleeding walls, rattling chains and banging cupboards.

But what is the best way to communicate with your resident restless dead? It’s a question that has plagued supernatural survivologists throughout history. Well surprising new research presented this week at a ghost convention claims to have found the key. And believe it or not, it’s just this – cherry pie.

As everyone reading this probably knows, I am not a paranormal researcher per sey. I am just a supernatural surivologist. But the latest research is always an important survival tool. So that’s why when I heard about the Maritime Ghost Conference, I called immediately to see if there was room for me. Or rather the ghost of me. It’s a Ghost Conference after all.

Unfortunately when I called the conference, organizer Ghostly David Hanson knew right away that I was no harmless haunter and would not allow me to register. Apparently my area code is a dead giveaway that I’m among the living. Who knew.

Ghostly David Hanson Sees Alive People!

Fortunately though, for the right price, I was allowed to observe. The Maritime Ghost Conference takes place every year at night on the cool old ships you see at the San Diego Maritime Museum. It’s a perfect opportunity for ghosts to gather in a high-ion flow zone where it’s easier to manifest and talk about important ghostly issues. Like, how to bug the e-meters of paranormal researchers and cause them read their own body ions. Stuff like that.

So what about the cherry pie? Well I’m getting to that. One session aboard the Star of India teaches ghosts how to communicate through EVP or electronic voice phenomenon. As we all know, ghosts generally have important messages for people. Things that need resolving. Business that needs finishing. So they need to know how to activate the paranormal recording equipment in fun ways that will get human’s attention. In other words, the secret language of ghosts.

Problem is, sometimes ghost messages are hard for ghosts to communicate. Either the human voice apparatus was irreparably damaged during his or her passage or the ghost is having too much fun and wants to prolong the mission or maybe sometimes it’s just too hard to say what really needs to be said.

And that’s where the cherry pie comes in. (Like I said this is a story about ghosts and cherry pie.) During a break in proceedings, one of the ghosts started talking about cherry pie. Next thing you know, all of the ghosts are talking about cherry pie, how they would give anything for one more bite of cherry pie. Deep dish vs shallow. A la mode or whip cream. I have never seen a longer, conversation about cherry pie in my life.

“Ghosts just love cherry pie. They can’t eat it anymore but they sure love to talk about it.” Ghost Conference organizer and paranormal researcher named David Schulz said. “That’s the best way to get a ghost talking. Ask them about cherry pie.”

And that’s how cherry pie becomes an important supernatural survival tool to get your ghost gabbing.