Feel The Need to Bitch? Contact Your Captain Here

Create Some Space

Posted by Capt. No-Marriage on October 30, 2014

This is your Captain speaking………welcome aboard fuckers!

I was halfway through a lengthy blog post for married guys about shit to do when you want to waste time when you don’t want to go home when it dawned on me that I needed another beer. It also dawned on me that I needed to back up a bit with my thinking. Because just like in sports, shit needs to be set up before it’s executed. So just like the offensive line sets up a good run, here’s how you set up your life.

I’m talking to all sorts of guys here, whether you just have a fuck buddy or a wife, you need to set things up so that whenever you need some space, you can have it. Often times in relationships we give away too much, our wives know our daily routine down to the fucking minute. This tends to happen slowly over time usually because if some bitch just flat out asked you where you are every second of the day you’d Ray Rice her ass!

Are you that guy who has to call the little lady on your lunch and/or breaks every fucking day or maybe the guy who has more personal calls than business calls? Does she expect a prompt response when she emails you at work? Is your cell phone nothing but a hand-held ankle bracelet? Be honest here, I’m not busting your balls over it, you might have answered yes to every question, but there is still hope for even you.

First off, this is your fucking job, not her message or answering service to track you down during the day. So here’s what you do TODAY…….your company is cracking down on personal calls, both at your desk and on your cell phone. Cell phone ringers are to be turned off, yes OFF, your story is the familiar “some asshole ruined it for the rest of us” deal. The idea here is to not be at her fingertips all the fucking time. Don’t let her derail you with that bullshit about if an “emergency” comes up, that’s just total bullshit on her part. Yes emergencies happen, but not every fucking day and you not answering her text is NOT an emergency.

So now she’ll want your attention on all your breaks and lunches. You have to slow her down here too. If you are salaried, you’re going to be “too busy” on some new project you’re working on……..a long term project with lots of big words to describe it, that way she’ll never ask about it in detail. As far as lunches, you’ll be having more working lunches, lunches with colleagues, team lunches, anything that will give you an excuse to silence your phone.

The idea is to create space for you. You also need to start varying the times you go to and come home from work. Even if you get off the same time every day, start coming up with reasons you’ll be working late……but not at your desk where she can call you. The team is wrapping shit up in a conference room, one without a phone. You guys like to work in this room because it lets you focus or whatever line of shit you want to give her. But make sure you set this up before you start actually “working” late. Start telling her you won’t be at your desk, you’re working on a project and you all agreed that cell phones were distractions so you are all leaving yours at your desks. If she has a real emergency, she can call the secretary or whatever main line your company has.

This will do a couple things, it’ll give you some piece and quiet at your desk and it will buy you some time later on when you don’t feel like going home right away. But you have to start slowly setting this shit up early guys, don’t try to do all this at once, ease into it. The cracking down on personal call one is easy and it’ll buy you some quick relief.

These are just a few ideas, I’m sure you can think of more. Just in general, both at work and home, start thinking of things to get away. For example a monthly thing with the guys, this can be anything from spending a whole day fishing, car show, or watching a game at a sports bar. Just something to get you out of the house. This one is obviously one you want to actually do, but even if there’s one day your friends can’t make it, you should still take that time for yourself.

That’s the other thing, I’m not just saying to think of fake shit to buy yourself some time, but also come up with actual shit you like to do. Be the guy who finds a cool place for an after work happy hour once or twice a month. Go golfing, fishing or some other activity that she hates on the weekends. Go to the gym, that’s one that you can use just to get out of the house also. A bonus tip for the gym is to join a gym she would hate, don’t join a female friendly gym like Planet Fuck Fitness or some bullshit like that. Join a real one where they blast heavy metal and hard rap.

Conventions, go to one, out of town, without her. This will do a few things, it’ll actually help your career for one by giving you a chance to network and learn more about your industry or trade. Hell you might even be able to convince your company to partially foot the bill or make it so it’s considered work days so that you don’t have to use your vacation days. This is also an easy to get a little traveling in, granted only a few days but imagine how nice it’ll be to come back to that nice quiet hotel room. Even better if it’s in a different time zone so that you can blame jet-lag for cutting her off on the phone so that you can go to bed. So many pluses to this one! Book smart and use the same airline and hotel so that you get the benefit of points and shit, sounds corny, but once you’ve stayed in some kick ass suites for free, you start to warm up to the idea.

So there’s some ideas for you guys. I know there’s a lot of talk about just getting the fuck out of the marriage, but sometimes you can’t just up and leave, sometimes that shit takes a while to plan out and get yourself straight before you make your exit. This will help make that time more bearable.

If you guys have other tips and ideas, I’d love to hear it. Until then, keep drinking.