Wednesday, June 25, 2008

A Few No Good Men

DOBSON: God?GOD: (SIGH) Yes, Dobson.DOBSON: (SHRIEK) Who’s there?GOD: Who were you calling? You believe you have my ear, why wouldn’t I talk to you?DOBSON: Well, I, uh, of course you would……You’re not actually Satan, or, or, Dick Cheney, trying to fool me are you?GOD: (SIGHS) What is it you want, Dobson?DOBSON: They’re messing with You again.GOD: With Me?DOBSON: With Your word. It’s that Barack Obama again. He argues that the religiously motivated must frame debates over issues like abortion, not just in their own religion's terms, but in arguments accessible to all people. He has a fruitcake interpretation of the Constitution.GOD: I didn’t write the Constitution. They intentionally left Me out of it, thank Me.DOBSON: Well, yes, but that wasn’t the main thing. Obama proposes absurd ideas. He asks, "Even if we did have only Christians in our midst, if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States of America, whose Christianity would we teach in the schools? Would we go with James Dobson's or Al Sharpton's?" He asks if biblical passages should guide policy when chapters like Leviticus suggest slavery is OK and eating shellfish is an abomination.GOD: Those are good questions.DOBSON: It’s fruitcake! Obama was equating Old Testament texts and dietary codes that no longer apply to Jesus' teachings in the New TestamentGOD: So you accept that some passages written in the Bible long ago don’t apply literally now?DOBSON: Of course!GOD: Such as the part about homosexual relations being an abomination?DOBSON: Well, uh, I mean that one is your literal word. GOD: I didn’t write the Bible either.DOBSON: What? That’s blasphemy!GOD: Seriously? Get off your pulpit, I’m not the media.DOBSON: What about Creation? Are you suggesting that the Creation story is an invention of man? An interpretation of how you started Life on Earth?GOD: What do you think?DOBSON: I don’t think. I have faith. Stop testing me. Is Creation literal? I need to know.GOD: You want answers?DOBSON: I think I'm entitled to them.GOD: You want answers?DOBSON: I want the truth!GOD: You can't handle the truth! Dobson, I created a world that has flaws. And those flaws have to be embraced by men with compassion. Who's gonna do it? You? You, James Dobson? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for so-called “Christian right” and you curse the Obamas of the world. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the Christian right’s downfall, while self-inflicted, probably will save your country from a stupid war. And my existence, while greater than you imagine and incomprehensible to you, values all lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about on Fox News, you want me to love the flaws. You, of all people, need me to love the flaws.Real believers use words like faith, love and peace...they use these words as the backbone to a life spent creating something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very forgiveness I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a handcart and ride to Hell. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!DOBSON: Did you create Man through evolution?GOD: (quietly) I do the job Man created Me to do.DOBSON: Did you create Man through evolution!?GOD: You're Me damn right I did!!