About Me

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Chocolate! hand over your chocolate!

it's cold outside ok maybe a little nippy but not really cold cold i had to run to Walmart for some coffee filters had to create my own this morn for coffee so i headed for filters and some more wood pellets only to find they had closed the garden section at 8pm i was a half hour late i have enough pellets for part of the nite and will pick up some more manana anyways, i was craving chocolate have been for a few days now blue about being blue and can't seem to get over that hump at the moment so i decide on Baskin Robbins Hot Fudge sundae with Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream double the fudge hmmmm hmmmm goood!...so while i'm out and about, i begin thinking about M again now awhile ago i wrote an entry on the love of my life, but deleted it it was about M briefly she is a friend in my Bible Wisdom class she was in my Foundations Class as well this last spring well back in september, i suddenly found myself attracted to her (it snuck upon me i wasn't lookin for anyone) wonderful woman anyways, i think she's straight (heterosexual) as all get out, therefore i wouldn't ask her out on a date (respect for her own sexuality) anyways, she winks at me everytime i come to class i've been figuring she's just saying hello well Tjnya today implied again that maybe there's more to it that just that granted M doesn't wink at anyone else in the class, but who knows maybe this is the way she greets her friends? i don't know i've been flustered for 2months over her and finally let it be that she's just a good friend...until Tjnya's chat today...well i still desire to let it be and if i should discover anything else along the way, then i'll say something so what do you think j-landers? should i ask M about the winking? let it be? ask her about her sexuality? let it be as friends? whatever will be will be i love her friendship and if that's all there is to it, that's ok by me we'll see in time in a couple nites i'll see M for the first time in 2weeks at class first time since letting it be as friends as well i'll see how i react to her and her winking....

well, today, was basically another lazy day i took yesterday off as well again blue about being blue damn blues! anyways, i was suppose to clean today Pat my realtor came by, but she isn't listing the house til friday she'd rather get some more repairs done before listing so i have tuesday off and can clean then i have done some laundry and picked up my bedroom after Pat's visit for couple hours, i took a nap then i watched a couple real life crime shows really intense made me question whether to still continue my criminal justice degree i've been thinking of studying metaphysics instead anyways i would like to be able to utilize my degree in some way once completed having my illness i'm very doubtful i'll be able to be employed anywhere in the criminal justice fields with a metaphysics or new thought something or other degree i can personally grow from it as well as use it at church i'd like to be a Practioner there (sorta like spiritual counseling) these thoughts have been on my mind this past week especially thinking of my retirement and what will I do once retired? what will my illness allow me to do? unfortunately it dictates my life often it's a PAIN IN THE ASS! i'm still processing this rollercoaster ride i'm on i even recognized that whoever the love of my life will be, she must be pretty damn special to be able to handle me and my illness it gets really ROUGH at times it's enough for me to deal with let alone having a lover to go through it with me she must be very strong, not panic, and be supportive but having a lover will be gravy i'm ok living alone and being alone, but still prefer a partner in my life so i'll just see what life holds for me in that department i'll always at least have one dog my kids now fullfill my life completely with their unconditional love they are a woman's best friend!

for now, i trek on.....dying to be retired...ready for another life....God will show me the way all in time....God Bless you all for your support and friendship:-)!

2 comments:

ksquester
said...

Try winking back and see what she does? Put her in a position where she can make the first move and then see if she makes it. I know what you mean by the blues. Although I haven't been plagued by them recently, I do know they will always be around a corner somewhere. DARN! I haven't been to Baskin Robbins in years. They have all closed around here with other ice cream companies opening. Jamoca almond fudge was always a favorite of mine. Glad you enjoyed it. Kiss the doggies for me! Anne

Lots on your mind today Karen. As for matters of the heart, the only bit of wisdome I can impart to you is this...When you least expect it, that's when love comes to you. Go looking for it and you may never find it. Let it come to you. Just live your life.

I studies metaphysics on my own for many years...hands on healing, holistic medicine, etc. I was just drawn to it and much of it made sense.