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8/12/14

Honest Moments: My Birth Story

It didn't go as planned....

**If you don't like birth stories,
skip to the end for some encouragement.**

On Wednesday, May 14 2008, I left school at noon because I had an appointment
at 4:00 that afternoon. Jason got off work early so he met me there and was in
the room when the nurse practitioner came in and basically said that I had Preeclampsia (high blood pressure and protein in
my urine) and I was going to go to the hospital. The doctor came in minutes
later. We were stunned. My due date was two and half weeks away, I wasn't dilated, and I wasn't having any contractions!?
But, nonetheless, we had to go. They were going to induce me because I
was in too much danger, health-wise.

So they gave us an hour. We hadn't even packed our bags yet! We were at the
hospital and checked in by about 6:30 that evening. We called everyone. They
all thought we were joking. My mom came by to say hi. Jason stayed with me that
night.

On Thursday, May 15, at about 8:00am they broke my water and started the labor.
The contractions started right away. They were tolerable
for about an hour. Then a little harder and then a little harder.
By about 11:30 that morning I had reached my limit. I called for the epidural
(even though I had only dilated 3 cm). After that, I felt much
better. I slept for an hour and had a few more visitors. By about 2:30 the
doctor checked me again...I hadn't dilated and his head
was facing the wrong direction. She spent a half hour trying to maneuver him into position. She
couldn't do it. By 3:00 she was talking about doing a C-section. His heart rate
was dropping and my contractions were not regular at all.

The room was suddenly a rush and busy! Jason ran out to tell everyone that I
was going to go to surgery. I remember my mom coming in and kissing me. That's
when I began to cry. I was really nervous by then. The nurses had me sign a
bunch of papers. They rushed around my room in an orderly but quick fashion.
Soon, I was being wheeled down the hallway into the OR. While they were getting
me ready, I was really nervous because Jason had to wait outside for a few
minutes. One of the doctors asked me how I was doing and I told him that I was
really nervous. He then let Jason come in (since he was a resident and could be
trusted not to touch anything) earlier than they normally let dads come into
the OR. Jason held my hand the whole time. I remember the pressure when the
doctors took him out. I remember the joy of "its a boy!" when they
called it out! We did not know what we were having - so it was a complete
shock. I had had dreams of a girl, so it was a surprise to hear
"boy."

Jason and I both cried. We wept that it was finally over. I wept because I had
done it. I had carried him, and here he was: Jack Allen Frazer - Born at
exactly 4:oopm, on May 15th, and weighed 6lbs and 7 oz.

The next day the weight of the
C-section hit me like a ton of bricks. It was not what I had planned at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I
never thought I would have a C-section. I had no preconceived notions that I
would do it medicine-free. I knew my pain tolerance was low. I knew I would
probably need an epidural. But a c-section was humiliating in my mind. In my
mind I was unable to deliver him, and needed someone else to do it for me. It
also meant that I might be limited to the amount of children I would have. I
was not prepared for the pain, both emotionally and physically. I couldn't hold
my baby without pain. I couldn't carry him without pain. It wasn’t how I
thought things would be. Nursing did not go well either. It took almost two
months for him to learn to latch on. At four months my milk dried up. All of
that combined caused my heart to echo: Failure. I wept a lot about that
c-section, even months and years down the road.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe you are a new first-time mom
who ended up with a c-section. Maybe your baby is ten years old and you still
see that word c-section as a synonym for failure. Maybe you are scared you will have a
c-section.

Here is what I am NOT going to say:

(If you know a friend who had a
c-section don't say these things either)

1. At least you and the baby are healthy. Of
course you are glad your baby is healthy. Being unhappy with things going
unplanned does not mean you are not grateful. I know you are grateful for a healthy baby.2. It must have been so easy to just lay there while they pulled
him/her out. No. It was not. Feelings of sadness mixed
with joy is a hard thing. The pressure from the pushing and the ache from the
needles are hard things. Not easy at all.3. It is so common. It is not common for me. This is
my first c-section. I do not know how or what to expect. It is not common for
me.4. The doctors just want convenience. No,
they do not. My doctor let me labor for a long time with no progress. She sat
on my bed for 30 minutes (I'm sure I was not her only patient that day either) trying
to turn him. They want the best care for you. They want the safest way. By the
way, my husband's a doctor- do not assume all doctors just want the "easy
way out." They don't. {FIY - they get paid pretty much the same either way.}5. You can try for a VBAC next time!
Sorry, but right after my c-section I did not think this. I was still mourning
my scar and processing things. Give me time. I may feel that later - but not
right away. Cry your tears and learn to grieve.

Can I be honest with you?

I do not weep anymore.

It
hurts. It hurts physically. It hurts emotionally. The word failure stares back
at you in the mirror. Let me offer you a few words of encouragement from
someone who has walked the path through the valley and has come out on the
other side.1. Give Yourself Time. Give yourself weeks, months, and
even years to process. You are mourning. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to feel a
sense of loss. Let the grieving happen. 2. Give Yourself A Chance. Maybe try a VBAC. I did. I tried
to labor again with my second son. I was not induced. My water broke on its
own. I went into labor on my own. I ended up with what is considered medically
as a "failed V-BAC." Yet it was the perfect avenue that brought me
peace. After I realized that my body was not made to deliver the
"natural" way - I was given such a peace about my first c-section. It
brought me relief and joy.3. Be sad. You can be sad when you see friends deliver with
no complications. You can feel sorrow when reflecting back. The key is not to
wallow in self-pity. Feel sad, but turn around and be grateful as well. Do not
let sadness breed discontentment. 4. Destroy Discontentment. When you are feeling discontent
day after day, it can lead to distrust. Distrust in God and His perfect plan.
Distrust in your circumstances that He has ordained. Distrust in yourself. When
feelings of discontentment surface, kill them. Remind yourself of Truth: God is
good - through it all - God is good and He is able.5. Run to God. Pour out your heart to Him. Tell Him of your
sadness, disappointment, and feelings of being a failure. He is there. Waiting
to remind you of so much Truth. Read His Word, especially the Psalms.

I have enjoyed sharing my honest moments with you. Feel free to share your own birth story - even if it didn't go as planned.