For several years, I drew (sometimes "borrowed") ASCII pictures of cows every week to encourage my friends
to go out to lunch with me on Bacon Mega Cheeseburger Day. They shouldn't go away just because I
stopped a long time ago.

A few good examples:

Jess Olson <jdo@students.uiuc.edu> writes:
> Tim draw a cow! Draw bun-bun killing the cow and finding it's magicial
> steaks.
(__) Moo! I was once the six-legged cow, but Bun-Bun has
(oo) --- found my magical steak! It was leg-steak! Eat the
/-------\/ rest of me in 1 1/3 hours at Murphy's, or I will
/ | || explode!
* |||---||
^^^ ^^

\___/
cO Oc Look at the proof that Tim is evil! For I am a Cow-Chicken!
_| |_ --- My meatiness is not in question, but my life is horrible!
/ |_| \ Aaah! Eat me at Murphy's today, and perhaps I will be allowed
| | to die!
\ /-\ /
| |
^ ^

All Entries

(__)
(oo) ---- I'm hungry! I'm going to eat grass
/-------\/-* until approximately 11:30am, when I
/ | || \ will be slaughtered and fed to the
* ||----|| * people at Murphy's at 12pm! Moo!
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/

(---) I am not fleeing! I am insulting you, much
( ) ---- as a Maori warrior would! Fear me! Or maybe
/-----\ instead you should eat me at Murphy's at 12pm.
| | I am tasty, $4, and served with pig. Mmmm!
| | | In other news, donuts will be available at
| | | Dunkin' Donuts this Friday! I don't know why
| * | I know this. I feel like a mouthpiece.
^^ ^^

*
\
\ Aaah! Cows are not meant to go downhill, even
|\ during the Olympics! But at least I'm beating
\ | \ (__) the pig! And if I build up enough speed, and
\\|| \(oo) --- the friction is low enough, perhaps I'll make it
\||\ \\/ all the way to Murphy's at 12pm, where I will be
~~ \|| devoured with bits of the pig for $4! Mmm! That
\\ || sounds tasty!
\\||
\||
~~
\\_
\_

(---) Hmmph! There are many of you that have not
( ) --- been partaking of my glorious flesh! I am
/-----\ truly offended, and will show you my butt in
| | protest. However, you may redeem yourselves
| | | by showing up at Murphy's at noon. Moo.
| | |
| * |
^^ ^^

(__) I will never be taken and eaten by you foolish
(oo) ---- mortals, for I am a skinny cow, and who would want
/-------\/ to eat that? Instead eat my brothers, the fat cows,
/ | ----|| at Murphy's at noon. Moo. Moo! MOOO!!
* || ||
^^ ^^

Rather than draw a cow today, I will offer this insightful
commentary on beef eating from many years ago. You should still all show
up for beef at Murphy's at noon.
From: dfx@usis.com (dfx)
Newsgroups: rec.food.veg,alt.mcdonalds,alt.flame,alt.politics.usa.republican,
alt.food.taco-bell, alt.food.mcdonalds, alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,
alt.culture.oregon, alt.agriculture.misc, soc.culture.indian,
alt.fan.jai-maharaj
Subject: Re: ANTI BEEF (Maharaj can kiss my meat eating ass)
Organization: MEAT EATING, EARTH KILLING, PUNK R0CK M0THER FUKERZ
jai@aloha.com (Dr. Jai Maharaj) writes:
> * Meat-eaters have higher blood pressure, are more
>hypertensive and violent. Public funds are used for research and
>treatment. Everyone is forced to pay the price of violence and
>crime. Meat-eaters hurt themselves, their families and others.
>
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
> Meat-eaters hurt everyone.
AND WE'RE DAMN PROUD OF IT T00, Y0U ST00PID FR00T L00P.
After reading Ja-I-have-no-clue's lame ass, crap filled, VEGATUBULZ R
PE0PUL T00 message for the 10,000th time in the last month, I was
inspired to leave the house and make a dramatic change in my eating
habits. As I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru and gazed at the
death infested menu which was so obviously responsible for breast cancer,
arthritis, Erik Estrada, racism, and every tragedy in the last 9,000,000
years, Jai's words really touched me and I had a change of heart. Instead
of my usual "Can I have a #3 combo with a coke, please?", I shouted,
"Y0 B1TCH! I WANT A FUKN QUADRO-P0UNDER W1TH N0 FUKN VEGETABULZ 0R SH1T
THAT GR0WZ 0N TREEZ!"
"Ok sir, you wanted a Quarter pounder, just plain, is that correct?"
"N0 B1TCH! I ZED I WANTED A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER! GET IT R1TE 0R DIE!"
<quiet laughter heard through speaker>
"A what pounder?!"
"A FUKN QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Uh.. I don't think we have that. Are you sure you don't mean a quarter
pounder?"
"N0 I D0N'T MEEN A FUKN MEEZLY AZZ QUARTUR P0UNDER! HERE'Z WHAT I WANT -
2 FUKN D0UBLE QUARTER P0UNDERZ PUT T0GETHER 2 MAKE 1 QUADR0 P0UNDER!"
"Ooohhh.. you want *2* double quarter pounders then?"
"N0 B1TCH! I WANT 1 FUKN QUADR0 P0UNDER! TAKE THE 2 D0UBLEZ, PUT THEM
T0GETHUR AND GIV ME 1 QUADR0! U G0T IT YET BRAINIAK?"
<more laughter and employees looking out the back entrance window>
"Oh! Ok.. I think we can do that. Would you like cheese on that?"
"FUK N0 B1TCH! I WANT 4 H0T SLABZ 0F C0W DETH 0N A BUN WITH N0 FUKING
HIPPIE AZZ VEGETABULZ! I ALZ0 D0NT WANT ANY FUKING LAME VEGAN FRIEZ
0R ANY TYPE 0F RECYKULD PAKAGING. N0 KUP, N0 BAG, N0 WRAPPERZ.. PUT
THE SHIT 0N THE WIND0W K0UNTER THING AND I WILL TAKE IT. AND TELL JAI
T0 G0 FUK A K0K0NUT T00!"
"Who?!"
"FUK IT & GIMME THAT WHICH IZ THE S0URCE 0F ALL EVIL... N0W!"
"Thank you. Please drive to the 2nd window."
For the record, I got my fucking Quadro pounder and it r0cked. I am
faxing McDonald's tomorrow and demanding that this awesome item be
permanently added to every McDonald's menu around the world.
I'm a meat eater.
I'm hypertensive.
I'm violent.
And if you get in between me and a plate of animal death, I will fucking
kill your pathetic ass and then go kill some trees in order to build a
coffin to bury you in.
DETH IZ IMMINENT. THE EARTH MUZT DIE. MEAT EATERZ ARE THE MAJ0RITY AND
WE'R FUKIN PISSED. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT 0R BE PREPARED T0 FACE THE WRATH.
Drunkfux . cDc - Cult Of The Dead Cow . Senior Vice Prez
ftp.eff.org : /pub/Publications/CuD/CDC
alt.fan.cult-dead-cow

(__) Moo! Beef! You know the drill! For instance,
(oo) --- drilled beef is not as tasty as properly slaughtered
/-------\/ beef! BTW, you should track down the King of the
/ | || Hill episode about the cult that is thwarted with
* ||----|| beef. It was satisfying, even for a soon-to-be-
~~ ~~ dead cow like me! Anyway, noon @ Murphy's.

____
(____) Today, I have this nifty hat! This hat is made out
|__| of all-natural fibers, which sadly do not include
(oo) -- the fibers of my naturally-tasty body. But I will
/-------\/ still feed portions of my hat to those poor souls who
/ | || don't want to eat me today at Murphy's Pub at noon.
* ||----|| Poor, poor souls. Moo.
^^ ^^

(__) I am George, the one cow out there that is upset at the idea
(@@) --- of being devoured at Murphy's today. Poor me! I have fled
/-------\/ the oppression of The Man for several days now, and to do
/ | || this I have had far too much coffee. Perhaps if you go to
* ||----|| Murphy's at noon (ph# 352-7275) then you can continue to
^^ ^^ throw them off my tail.

\___/
cO Oc Look at the proof that Tim is evil! For I am a Cow-Chicken!
_| |_ --- My meatiness is not in question, but my life is horrible!
/ |_| \ Aaah! Eat me at Murphy's today, and perhaps I will be allowed
| | to die!
\ /-\ /
| |
^ ^

(__) This is one of Tim's cows. I put the stars in his eyes.
(**) Now he is starry-eyed! I don't want you to eat Tim's
/-------\/ cow, but I know you probably will anyway, so I'm sending
/ | || this e-mail (because I don't know if anyone else will)
||----|| to remind you that you can eat Tim's cow, or some other
^^ ^^ cow at Murphy's at noon today with most of your friends.
___ This freaky looking collection of lines is supposed to
\ / *\ be a starry-eyed fish. It may not look much like one,
X > but at least I drew him myself. You can also eat fish
/ \___/ at Murphy's today and, though it isn't on special :( it
is alot better than beef. See you at lunch. :)
(Courtesy of Mel)

...because instead we must say "Jacob is leaving".
He is. Really. And we're going to have some kind of going-away
party for him on Thursday night - tomorrow. Yes, this is horribly short
notice. Where? When? Who knows, I've still got a few hours to plan this
in. It may involve Michelle's going-away party as well, and maybe even
Rachel's. And Special Guests have claimed they may show up, but I really
doubt it's gonna happen.
Aah, screw it. Moo.
(__)
Eat at Murphy's or boom! -- (oo)
/-------\/
/ | ||
* ||----||
~~ ~~

(_____) I am exaggerated big-head cow, and I am sad! Oh so
( o o ) sad! For because my head is so large, Murphy's has
/--------\ ^ / -- decided to raise the cost of my meat by $0.50! Now
/ | ||\^/ the special costs $4.50 when you eat me at noon. I
* ||-----|| am so sad! Why must head meat be so expensive?
^^ ^^

(__) Raar! I am a Vampire Cow! I can turn invisible and turn
(oo) -- into a bat - but why would I do the latter? That would
/-------vv make me significantly less edible at Murphy's at noon!
/ | || Come eat my undead flesh...
* ||----||
~~ ~~

(__) Let me tell you a story. One day, not long ago, I was
(oo) --- a normal, short cow. Then I saw how my friends made
/-----------\/ fun of me, so I killed one of them and took their belly
/ | | | || and attached it to myself. So I am now long and have
* ||--------|| more tasty bits to eat at Murphy's at noon! Mmm-mmm!
^^ ^^ Next time, should I also extend my legs?

(__) Some of you may be attending protests and such on the Quad
(oo) -- today, or "reflecting", or some other cowpie. I'm not. I
/-------\/ am willing to be slaughtered into little tiny bits today
/ | || at Murphy's for *you*. Doesn't that sound like more fun
* ||----|| than participating in the Mass Mourning that you'd think I'd
^^ ^^ care about if anyone? Think of the cows!

Rather than send out a picture today (the Cow site is down, last I
checked), here's a happy story that I've sent out before. It's not really
related to beef, but it is related to the joys of meat.
~From: gkm@substance.abuse.blackdown.org (glen mccready)
~To: 0xdeadbeef@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
~Subject: Dogs in Elk
~Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1999 15:53:17 -0400
[I just hope she made sure to have an ample supply of beer for the
dogs to go with all that meat. -glen]
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: jwarr@us.ibm.com
Forwarded-by: Jeffrey C Honig <jch@honig.net>
Forwarded-by: Judy Warren/Southbury/IBM on 10/20/99 11:47 AM -----
Forwarded-by: dzimm@hiddenmind
Forwarded-by: sraun@iaxs.net [mailto:sraun@iaxs.net]
Forwarded-by: "Wendy Nather" <wendy@nather.com>
Recent thread in rec.pets...
-------------------------------------------
Anne V - 01:01pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1318 of 1332)
Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away
from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.
AmyC - 01:02pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1319 of 1332)
Um, can you give us a few more specifics here?
Anne V - 01:12pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1320 of 1332)
They're inside of it. They crawled inside, and now I have a giant
incredibly heavy piece of carcass in my yard, with 2 dogs inside of it,
and they are NOT getting bored of it and coming out. One of them is
snoring. I have company arriving in three hours, and my current plan is
to 1. put up a tent over said carcass and 2. hang thousands of fly strips
inside it. This has been going on since about 6:40 this morning.
AmyC - 01:19pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1321 of 1332)
Oh. My. God. What sort of carcass is big enough to hold a couple of dogs
inside? Given the situation, I'm afraid you're not going to be create
enough of a diversion to get the dogs out of the carrion, unless they like
greeting company as much as they like rolling around in dead stuff. Which
seems unlikely. Can you turn a hose on the festivities?
Ase Innes-Ker - 01:31pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1322 of 1332)
I'm sorry Anne. I know this is a problem (and it would have driven me
crazy), but it is also incredibly funny.
Anne V - 01:31pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1323 of 1332)
Elk. Elk are very big this year, because of the rain and good grazing and
so forth. They aren't rolling. They are alternately napping and eating.
They each have a ribcage. Other dogs are working on them from the outside.
It's all way too primal in my yard right now. We tried the hose trick. At
someone elses house, which is where they climbed in and began to refuse
to come out. Many hours ago. I think that the hose mostly helps keep them
cool and dislodges little moist snacks for them. hose failed. My new hope
is that if they all continue to eat at this rate, they will be finished
before the houseguests arrive. The very urban houseguests. Oh, ghod - I
know it's funny. It's appalling, and funny, and completely entirely
representative of life with dogs.
Kristen R. - 01:37pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1324 of 1332)
I'm so glad I read this thread, dogless as I am. Dogs in elk. Dogs in elk.
Anne V - 01:41pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1325 of 1332)
It's like that childrens book out there - dogs in elk, dogs on elk, dogs
around elk, dogs outside elk. And there is some elk inside of, as well as
on, each dog at this point.
Elizabeth K - 01:57pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1328 of 1333)
Anne, aren't you in Arizona or Nevada? There are elk there? I'm so
confused!We definately need to see pics of Gus Pong and Jake in the elk
carcass.
Anne V - 02:03pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1329 of 1333)
I am in New Mexico, but there are elk in both arizona and nevada, yes.
There are elk all over the damn place. They don't look out very often. If
you stand the ribcage on end they scramble to the top and look out, all
red. Otherwise, you kinda have to get in there a little bit yourself to
really see them. So I think there will not be pictures.
CoseyMo - 02:06pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1330 of 1333)
"all red;" I'm not sure the deeper horror of all this was fully borne in
upon me till I saw that little phrase.
Anne V - 02:10pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1331 of 1333)
Well, you know, the Basenji (that would be Jake) is a desert dog,
naturally, and infamous for it's aversion to water. And then, Gus Pong
(who is coming to us, live, unamplified and with a terrific reverb which
is making me a little dizzy) really doesn't mind water, but hates to be
cold. Or soapy. And both of them can really run. Sprints of up to 35 mph
have been clocked. So. If ever they come out, catching them and returning
them to a condition where they can be considered house pets is not going
to be, shall we say, pleasant.
CoseyMo - 02:15pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1332 of 1333)
What if you stand the ribcage on end, wait for them to look out, grab them
when they do and pull?
Anne V - 02:18pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1333 of 1333)
They wedge their toes between the ribs. And scream. We tried that before
we brought the elk home from the mountain with dogs inside. Jake nearly
took my friends arm off. He's already short a toe, so he cherishes the 15
that remain.
Linda Hewitt - 02:30pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1336 of 1356)
Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come
pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets overnight. If
anyone would know what to do, it would be your vet. It might cost some
money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.
ChristiPeters - 02:37pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1337 of 1356)
Yikes! My sympathy! When I lived in New Mexico, my best friend's dog (the
escape artist) was continually bringing home road kill. When there was no
road kill convenient, he would visit the neighbor's house. Said neighbor
slaughtered his own beef. The dog found all kinds of impossibly gross toys
in the neighbor's trash pit. I have always had medium to large dogs. The
smallest dog I ever had was a mutt from the SPCA who matured out at just
above knee high and about 55 pounds. Our current dog (daughter's choice) is
a Pomeranian. A very small Pomeranian. She's 8 months old now and not quite
4 pounds. I'm afraid I'll break her.
Lori Shiraishi - 02:38pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1338 of 1356)
Bet you could fit a whole lot of Pomeranians in that there elk carcass!
Anne - my condolences on what must be a unbelievable situation!
Anne V - 02:44pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1339 of 1356)
I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says
a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you expect?* and *no,
there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* He is planning to
stop over and take a look on his way home. Thanks, Lori. I am almost
surrendered to the absurdity of it.
Lori Shiraishi - 02:49pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1340 of 1356)
"He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home." So he can
fall down laughing in person?
Anne V - 02:50pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1341 of 1356)
Basically, yeah. That would be about it.
AmyC - 02:56pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1342 of 1356)
>no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog."
Oh, sweet lord, Anne. You have my deepest sympathies in this, perhaps the
most peculiar of the Gus Pong Adventures. You are truly a woman of
superhuman patience. wait -- you carried the carcass down from the
mountains with the dogs inside?
Anne V - 02:59pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1343 of 1356)
>the carcass down from the mountains with the dogs inside?
no, well, sort of. My part in the whole thing was to get really stressed
about a meeting that I had to go to, and say *yeah, ok, whatever* when it
was suggested that the ribcages, since we couldn't get the dogs out of them
and the dogs couldn't be left there, be brought to my house. Because, you
know - I just thought they would get bored of it sooner or later. But it
appears to be later, in the misty uncertain future, that they will get
bored. Now, they are still interested. And very loud, one singing, one
snoring.
Lori Shiraishi - 03:04pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1344 of 1356)
>And very loud, one singing, one snoring.
wow. I can't even begin to imagine the acoustics involved with singing from
the inside of an elk.
Anne V - 03:04pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1345 of 1356)
reverb. lots and lots of reverb.
Anne V - 03:15pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1347 of 1356)
I'll tell you the thing that is causing me to lose it again and again, and
then I have to go back outside and stay there for a while. After the
meeting, I said to my (extraordinary) boss, *look, I've gotta go home for
the rest of the day, I think. Jake and Gus Pong are inside some elk
ribcages, and my dad is coming tonight, so I've got to get them out
somehow.* And he said, pale and huge-eyed, *Annie, how did you explain the
elk to the clients?* The poor, poor man thought I had the carcasses brought
to work with me. For some reason, I find this deeply funny.
(weekend pause)
Anne V - 08:37am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1395 of 1405)
So what we did was put the ribcages (containing dogs) on tarps and drag
them around to the side yard, where I figured they would at least be harder
to see, and then opened my bedroom window so that the dogs could let me
know when they were ready to be plunged into a de-elking solution and let
in the house. Then I went to the airport. Came home, no visible elk, no
visible dogs. Peeked around the shrubs, and there they were, still in the
elk. By this time, they had gnawed out some little portholes between some
of the ribs, and you got the occasional very frightening limpse of
something moving around in there if you watched long enough. After a lot of
agonizing, I went to bed. I closed the back door, made sure my window was
open, talked to the dogs out of it until I as sure they knew it was open,
and then I fell asleep.
Sometimes, sleep is a mistake, no matter how tired you are. And especially
if you are very very tired, and some of your dogs are outside, inside some
elks. Because when you are that tired, you sleep through bumping kind of
noises, or you kind of think that it's just the house guests. It was't the
house guests. It was my dogs, having an attack of teamwork unprecedented in
our domestic history. When I finally woke all the way up, it was to a
horrible vision. Somehow, 3 dogs with a combined weight of about 90 pounds,
managed to hoist one of the ribcages (the meatier one, of course) up 3 feet
to rest on top of the swamp cooler outside the window, and push out the
screen. What woke me was Gus Pong, howling in frustration from inside the
ribcage, very close to my head, combined with feverish little grunts from
Jake, who was standing on the nightstand, bracing himself against the
curtains with remarkably bloody little feet.
Here are some things I have learned, this Rosh Hashanah weekend:
1. almond milk removes elk blood from curtains and pillowcases,
2. We can all exercise superhuman strength when it comes to getting elk
carcasses out of our yard,
3. The sight of elk ribcages hurtling over the fence really frightens the
nice deputy sheriff who lives across the street, and
4. the dogs can pop the screens out of the windows, without damaging them,
from either side.
Anne V - 09:58am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1401 of 1405)
What I am is really grateful that they didn't actually get the damn thing
in the window, which is clearly the direction they were going in. And that
the nice deputy didn't arrest me for terrifying her with elk parts before
dawn.
AmyC - 09:59am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1402 of 1405)
Imagine waking up with a gnawed elk carcass in your bed, like a real-life
"Godfather" with an all-dog cast.
Anne V - 10:01am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1403 of 1405)
There is not enough almond milk in the world to solve an event of that
kind.

(__) You've never looked me in the face before, have you? You've
(oo) -- never just looked and said "hey! This cow is a real person,
/ \/ \ just like me! Maybe I should treat her like it! Maybe I
\| |/ shouldn't eat him!" Well, here I am! Think about it, before
| | you come to Murphy's at noon and begin to devour my flesh!
( @@ ) Cows are people too, you know! Mighty Brahma...
|| ||
^^ ^^

(__) My New Year's Resolutions were a) not be devoured for
(oo) --- as long as possible and b) only hand-draw myself this
/-------\/ year - no visual aids, no cutting-and-pasting, and so
/ | || forth. I've already ruined b) by looking at the Cows
* ||----|| page before remembering to start drawing; I guess that
^^ ^^ a) is ruined in just a few hours, at Murphy's at noon...

__________
____/ \ And you thought that cows were scary before! Now I
/ (__) * have a prehensile tail that can be used to attack
| (oo) anyone that would care for my kind! I will be the
\ /-------\/ --- defender of the cows! And you would not dare try to
\/| || attack my brethren at Murphy's at noon! Mooahahaha!
||-----||
^^ ^^

(_) Through the magic of genetic engineering, I bring you... a
(o) cow that can transform into a guitar! All you have to do is --
(_)------\ cut off his head, and there it is... Of course the process
| |\ process is reversible! And what do you mean that he's about
||----|| * to get away? Stop him! We need him at Murphy's Pub at noon!
^^ ^^

Well, that attempt to escape didn't really go so well, vv vv
did it? At least I killed a couple of guards first. ||-----|| *
Alright, they were small guards, but... you gotta try, <====|| == |/===>
don't you? The first duty of a prisoner is to escape. ||/\-------/ ||
And I guess now I should just be killed before they -- |(oo) ||
torture me. So eat me at Murphy's at noon... |( ) ||

(__)------\ Hi. I'm not actually the cow, as this cow is happily
(oo) |\ eating his breakfast, and therefore can't talk. Sure,
\/||----|| * you say, but cows don't talk anyway, and these comments
****^^ ^^ must just be psychic bubbles? Well, no. Electronic
cows can, in fact, talk, but have to be able to move
their lips. Now You Know.

(__) (__)
(oo) (oo) We are the Meducow! Together we can turn unsuspecting
\/\ /\/ bovines to stone! Sure, this is a fairly useless skill,
\__/ when it comes down to it...but that's our lot in life.
(oo) But we can stop you from eating beef! Hahaha!
\/

(___)
(o o) You ever looked a bull straight in the eyes before? I'll
/\ /\ -- bet you haven't. We're mean beasts, and more than capable
| O | of staring you down - certainly enough to keep you from
| o| wanting to eat us anymore. And this gun will certainly
*| ___|| keep you "cowed", so to speak. So don't eat us at Murphy's
||^ ^ today! Or else!
^^

(__)
(oo) Oh, the sadness of being a Rocking Cow! For I have
/------\/ -- had my feet cut off by WolverCow and replaced with
*/| |\ wooden struts. Now I can barely move, and even then
=/-----\_-= I can just go back and forth...
=-_______-=

(__) There have been rumors that some people in this world don't *like*
(oo) -- beef, and would prefer to go elsewhere for their lunch needs. I'm
\/ not sure I like this clearly racist attitude, except in as much as
it may allow me to live. Still...while this week I will still be
at Murphy's, next week you shall eat elsewhere. So says the cow.

(__) No, I'm not lean meat; would I honestly be associated with
(oo) -- Murphy's if I was? No, I am a cow that has been compressed
/-___-\/ due to stresses of everyday life. If everyday life includes
/|_---|| a vice, that is. You wouldn't want to see a top-down view
* || || of me right now. Anyway, eat the easier-access version of me
^^ ^^ today at Murphy's at noon. It's better than being crushed.

(__) Today we must question the nature of reality. Is what we see
(oo) -- here the truth? Am I really a short cow, as would be guessed
/--\/ by the shape of my body? Or are you looking at me from a new
/| || perspective, one rarely encompassed by the confines of ASCII
* ||-|| art? Or maybe I'm just a Japanese cow-in-a-box. Regardless,
^^ ^^ you should eat me at Murphy's at noon. Be excited! At least
it's happening today!

(__) Oh, there's so many ways to take my face! I could have a large
(oo) -- nose. I could have two sets of eyes. I could have the mumps and
(oo) two mouths. I could...well, it doesn't matter. I'm still edible.
-- Eat me at noon.

(__)
(oo) Murphy's? Noon? What are these concepts? It has been so
/----\/ -- long since I have had to think of them, that I don't think
/| || I can rightly do it! No matter; we shall go there anyway,
* ||--|| and do...something! I don't know what, I'm just a cow!
^^ ^^

__
@@oo@@ Don't mind me. Tim is merely trying to revise his sheep
ooooo\/ - ASCII art so that it better matches reality. As you can
ooooooo see, I am some kind of Marino. Regardless, you should eat
o ooooo Pad Thai at the Y at Noon. It's good for you!
^^ ^^

...but the cow is there in spirit.
Aah, what the hell.
(__)
(oo) --- Behold, I am a claw with long nails! Whoo!
/----\/
/| ||
* |---||
}} }}
That said... Thai at the Y at noon. If it's not open (and it
might not be!), fallback is, well...how about Murphy's?

(__)
(oo) <==== /---\ As you zoom in on this Cow's eyeball,
/-----\/ / \ you can see that he is very sad. This
|| | <*> | is because there is no Thai at the Y
||---|| \ / today. For lack of creativity, the Beef
^^ ^^ ----- Folk will be going to Basil Thai at Noon
/\ today instead; there is actually beef there.
(__) So the cow is sad. He may be eaten.

|
((|) Well, then, I guess you don't care about me! You're going to go to
(oo) - some *other* place to eat lunch, this SukhoThai place on Green St,
\/ rather than playing with cow-head-on-a-rope! Hmmph.

/ Behold! We are the start of a cow-driven carriage!
/
(__) (__)
(oo)* (oo) -- In ancient times we would drag people around the
/--\/ \/---/--\/ world in mere hours. Now we are slow, lazy, and
|| | /I || stupid...but we are free!
==========/-^-||
)========(__) ^^
)* /(oo)
\/---/--\/ -- That is why you should come to Bombay Indian Grill at
| I || Noon today. Celebrate the joy that is cow independence!
||--^-||
^^ ^^
\
\ Moo!

( )
\__/ I have several options for my disguise this week. I
(oo) -- can have very long antlers; I can have an evil claw on
/-----\/ my head; or I can be Antenna Cow. Or perhaps more!
/| | Anyway, Noon at Basil Thai; I don't think Thai at the Y
* ||---|| is open yet...
^^ ^^
- Tim Skirvin (tskirvin@killfile.org)
--
http://www.killfile.org/~tskirvin/ Skirv's Homepage <FISH>< <*>
http://www.killfile.org/~tskirvin/software/ Skirv's Software

(__) Behold, I am extra-stable cow! My legs are
(oo) -- but three, and I am capable of withstanding all
/-----\/ but the most heinous of tipping! Raar! You should
/| | eat my less-stable brethren today at Murphy's Pub at
* |--|--| noon. It would be good.
^ ^ ^

(__) I live! And no, I am not a zombie cow. I'm not!
(xx) -- See? I'm still articulate, so how can I be the living
/----\/ dead? What, you don't believe me? Hmmph. Well, even
/| |< if I am the living dead, I'll be being eaten at Murphy's
* \|^-\ ^ at noon... and we'll have special guest star Eva!
^

/------/\ --- I have been compressed! Why, you may ask? I am
/| |(oo) but a cow, after all! Well... I don't know. Maybe
*|---||(--) I fit into a .sig file now? Whatever. Lunch at Thai
^^ ^^ at the Y at noon today...