Zach Galifianakis: I’m filling in for my brother, Zach, because he couldn’t be here today. He’s at adult fat camp.

The shot cuts to Sean Penn.

Zach Galifianakis: My guest is famous actor, humanitarian, please welcome Sean Penn. Thank you Sean for being on the show.

Text appears below Sean Penn that reads SEAN PENN “Spicoli”.

Sean Penn: You’re very welcome.

The shot cuts a wide shot that shows Sean Penn and Zach Galifianakis sitting between two ferns.

Zach Galifianakis: Sean, Zach wrote something here, I don’t understand. He says you have a twin brother and he wanted me to say, how’s your brother, ballpoint?

Sean Penn: Hmmm.

Zach Galifianakis: Oh, that’s funny! It’s like the guy’s first name is ballpoint and because your last name is Penn. I bet you get that a lot. Like when people’s like, you’d be funny if your name was felt or like Felt Penn.

Sean Penn gives Zach Galifianakis an unfriendly look.

Sean Penn: Mmm hmmm.

Zach Galifianakis: Or is your first name Sylvania.

Sean Penn: Yep.

Zach Galifianakis: Usually, I don’t think my brother’s that funny, but I got to give him some credit for that one. That’s a pretty good spoof.

Sean Penn: Mmm hmmmm.

Zach Galifianakis: Who is the true movie star of our time, right now?

Sean Penn: You know, I guess the one who sort of has it all is…

Zach Galifianakis: Ryan Reynolds?

Sean Penn: …Jack Nicholson.

Zach Galifianakis: Ryan Reynolds?

Sean Penn: Ryan Reynolds is?

Zach Galifianakis: Van Wilder.

Sean Penn: Yeah, I saw him in something.

Zach Galifianakis: Jack Nicholson is, he’s that crazy guy that sits at The Lakers games. You hang out with him?

Sean Penn: Sometimes.

Zach Galifianakis: Where do you guys like to eat? Do you all go to Long John Silver’s or something fancy like that?

Sean Penn lets out a long breath.

Zach Galifianakis: It’d be fun if maybe you and I and Jack Nicklaus went to dinner and stuff and I could tell him some of my movie ideas.

Sean Penn: Uh huh.

Zach Galifianakis: I have a pug and, my pug, his name is Funions. I made this captain’s hat for him and I put it right on his head and he’s crazy looking. It’s like that guy, Funions, he needs to be in the movies. He’s got a captain’s hat on him and, you know, you just take the dog and put him in a movie and he’d be like a taxi driver or something like that. People will be like, why is there a pug with a captain’s hat being a taxi driver in New York City.

Sean Penn: No, I’m trying, to be honest, I’m just trying to protect, cause I know this southern kind of hospitality is invasive.

Zach Galifianakis: And let me tell you this southern boy, right here, is not really intimidated. I’ll follow you home tonight.

Sean Penn: I’ll knock you the fuck out, right in your chair.

Zach Galifianakis: Real interested in the work you’ve been doing down in Haiti. Tell us a little bit about that.

Sean Penn: Well after…

Zach Galifianakis: Is there a Six Flags down there?

Sean Penn: There’s not. No.

Zach Galifianakis: We can move on.

Zach Galifianakis reached under his leg and pulls out a stick of deodorant.

Zach Galifianakis: Oh, I forget. This segment is brought to you by Mennen. Speed Stick by Mennen. You put it under your arms. It makes you feel real good at night and during the day. You just kind of have this fresh start. Much like America is doing. Oscar night must be so much fun. You must love, I mean, that’s the whole reason to get into acting is so you can get all dolled up and go out on the red carpet and get to talk to people and people wanting to know all about your life and stuff.

Sean Penn: Well, I think you can get tired very fast of hearing about yourself and talking about yourself.

Zach Galifianakis: Really? I don’t think. I mean, one time, this guy was like, I want to interview you for the local paper and I was like, what? He was like, what? I was like, what? He was interviewing me because my mailbox got knocked down in my hometown. I was like, why does he care? I was like, what? And then he’s like, let’s do a story on it.

Sean Penn puts his hand over his eyes.

Zach Galifianakis: I just loved it. I loved that the guy came over and talked to me about my story and my life and I didn’t get tired of it at all. I really didn’t.

The video closes with a title that reads BETWEEN TWO FERNS with ZACH GALIFIANAKIS Presented by Speed Stick.