Scene 3

Dogberry and Verges, the captains of the Watch, organize their watchmen for the night, though Dogberry’s instructions leave rather a lot to be desired. Left to their own devices, the watchmen decide to sit on a bench until it’s time to go home. They overhear Borachio tell Conrade of the success of his plot, and how Claudio and Don Pedro are now convinced that Hero is unfaithful. Borachio has been well paid by Don John. The watchmen arrest the two for evil plotting. (68 lines)

Enter Dogberry and his compartner Verges with the Watch.

DOG.Dogberry

Are you good men and true?

VERG.Verges

Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.

DOG.Dogberry

Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the Prince’s watch.

VERG.Verges

Well, give them their charge, neighbor Dogberry.

DOG.Dogberry

First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?

1. WATCH.First Watchman

Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacole, for they can write and read.

DOG.Dogberry

Come hither, neighbor Seacole. God hath blest you with a good name. To be a well-favor’d man is the gift of fortune, but to write and read comes by nature.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

Both which, Master Constable—

DOG.Dogberry

You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favor, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it, and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the Prince’s name.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

How if ’a will not stand?

DOG.Dogberry

Why then take no note of him, but let him go, and presently call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of a knave.

VERG.Verges

If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the Prince’s subjects.

DOG.Dogberry

True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s subjects. You shall also make no noise in the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to talk, is most tolerable, and not to be endur’d.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

We will rather sleep than talk, we know what belongs to a watch.

DOG.Dogberry

Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend; only have a care that your bills be not stol’n. Well, you are to call at all the alehouses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

How if they will not?

DOG.Dogberry

Why then let them alone till they are sober. If they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

Well, sir.

DOG.Dogberry

If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?

DOG.Dogberry

Truly by your office you may, but I think they that touch pitch will be defil’d. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is, and steal out of your company.

VERG.Verges

You have been always call’d a merciful man, partner.

DOG.Dogberry

Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.

VERG.Verges

If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?

DOG.Dogberry

Why then depart in peace, and let the child wake her with crying, for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats.

VERG.Verges

’Tis very true.

DOG.Dogberry

This is the end of the charge: you, constable, are to present the Prince’s own person. If you meet the Prince in the night, you may stay him.

VERG.Verges

Nay, by’r lady, that I think ’a cannot.

DOG.Dogberry

Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that knows the statutes, he may stay him; marry, not without the Prince be willing, for indeed the watch ought to offend no man, and it is an offense to stay a man against his will.

VERG.Verges

By’r lady, I think it be so.

DOG.Dogberry

Ha, ah ha! Well, masters, good night. And there be any matter of weight chances, call up me. Keep your fellows’ counsels and your own, and good night. Come, neighbor.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

Well, masters, we hear our charge. Let us go sit here upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.

DOG.Dogberry

One word more, honest neighbors. I pray you watch about Signior Leonato’s door, for the wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu! Be vigitant, I beseech you.

Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.

Enter Borachio and Conrade.

BORA.Borachio

What, Conrade!

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

Aside.

Peace, stir not.

BORA.Borachio

Conrade, I say!

CON.Conrade

Here, man, I am at thy elbow.

BORA.Borachio

Mass, and my elbow itch’d; I thought there would a scab follow.

CON.Conrade

I will owe thee an answer for that, and now forward with thy tale.

BORA.Borachio

Stand thee close then under this penthouse, for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

Aside.

Some treason, masters, yet stand close.

BORA.Borachio

Therefore know I have earn’d of Don John a thousand ducats.

CON.Conrade

Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?

BORA.Borachio

Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich; for when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.

CON.Conrade

I wonder at it.

BORA.Borachio

That shows thou art unconfirm’d. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.

CON.Conrade

Yes, it is apparel.

BORA.Borachio

I mean the fashion.

CON.Conrade

Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

BORA.Borachio

Tush, I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

Aside.

I know that Deformed; ’a has been a vile thief this seven year; ’a goes up and down like a gentleman. I remember his name.

BORA.Borachio

Didst thou not hear somebody?

CON.Conrade

No, ’twas the vane on the house.

BORA.Borachio

Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is, how giddily ’a turns about all the hot-bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty, sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church-window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirch’d worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?

CON.Conrade

All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?

BORA.Borachio

Not so neither, but know that I have tonight woo’d Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero. She leans me out at her mistress’ chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good night—I tell this tale vildly, I should first tell thee how the Prince, Claudio, and my master, planted and plac’d and possess’d by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.

CON.Conrade

And thought they Margaret was Hero?

BORA.Borachio

Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio, but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possess’d them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio enrag’d; swore he would meet her as he was appointed next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o’ernight, and send her home again without a husband.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

We charge you, in the Prince’s name, stand!

1. WATCH.First Watchman

Call up the right Master Constable. We have here recover’d the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

And one Deformed is one of them; I know him, ’a wears a lock.

CON.Conrade

Masters, masters—

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.

CON.Conrade

Masters—

2. WATCH.Second Watchman

Never speak, we charge you; let us obey you to go with us.

BORA.Borachio

We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.