Update: For sale on eBay: One lightly used Soviet “Bear” bomber, low mileage

A little TLC and it could become a supervillain's airborne lair.

Update: It appears a Soviet-era bomber that had been offered on eBay was pulled late Friday. Attempts by Ars to contact the seller have gone unanswered.

The Tupolev Tu-95, known among NATO nations as the “Bear,” was long the core of the Soviet Air Force’s long-range strategic bomber force. Still in service in the Russian Air Force, the turboprop aircraft, which holds the record for the fastest propeller-driven aircraft ever, first took to the air in the 1950s. Now, one can be the centerpiece of your own personal bomber fleet—if you post the winning bid on eBay.

A Tu-95MS, a cruise missile launching variant of the Bear built in 1987 that was retired by the Ukrainian Air Force after only 454 hours of flight time, had been posted for sale on the auction site by a German seller. The plane, which has been demilitarized and comes with all the appropriate documentation, is currently sitting in Ukraine.

Enlarge/ The seller's photo on eBay—note one missing set of propellers. The aircraft needs some loving care before becoming a supervillian's airborne lair.

Sadly, the aircraft is not exactly ready to fly. “It is necessary to make a technical service and prolongation of the data limit,” the plane’s listing states. However, the seller is willing to disassemble the aircraft and deliver it to a harbor for international shipping. And if you’re handy with turbines and Soviet-era electronics, you could have this baby in the air again in no time.

But if you do, be sure to stock up on ear plugs. The TU-95 is short on noise abatement—it's the loudest aircraft I’ve ever heard fly. Rumors are that the planes are so loud that the Navy was able to track them with the SOSUS underwater sonar array.

It seems rather silly to 'ship' a plane. I'd rather just fix it and fly it out. That is, if my pocket was full of enough rubles (or whatever) to buy it.

It's the same reason you haul tanks around on flatbed trailers rather than just driving them to their destination. Aside from the difficulty of fixing the plane at it's current locations (you'd have to fly in / hire local technical workers, materials, rent a hanger, and do all that other fun stuff), why put flight hours on it for no reason?

Came here to post about the noise. A museum may buy it. They won't worry about air worthiness. There aren't many general aviation airfields where noise abetment procedures are not in effect. Even if you are a private pilot with deep pockets (I can think of many) your neighbors may not appreciate this thing. The 8 counter rotating propellers spin at supersonic speed. The Bear is by far the loudest airplane ever made. I've been under a B1B when it made a low pass and that was LOUD. The Bear is much louder.

I wonder where this is located in Ukraine. Given recent events in the region, it might be wise to wait just a bit before clicking 'buy it now'...

Exactly what I was thinking, especially the "ship it to a port" part...

According to the ebay listing, it's in Engels AFB in Russia. So the current crisis in the Ukraine shouldn't impact shipping. I'd be more concerned about if the seller has have a valid title to the aircraft.

I think it's the loudest production airplane. The Thunderscreech never made it past the prototype stage.

IIRC there was a helicopter that was powered by supersonic jets on the tips of the rotor that might be in the running too, but I don't think it made it past prototype stage either. Apparently bowel loosening noise levels are bad for funding.

The plane, which has been demilitarized and comes with all the appropriate documentation,

Demilitarized? How could this be a super villain's airborne lair then?

I would much rather buy a demilitarized plane and build it up the way I want for my lair as opposed to buying one already built. What if they used condors with lasers attached to their heads, while I wanted hawks with lasers? Now I have to dispose of the condors...it's just a mess.

I wonder where this is located in Ukraine. Given recent events in the region, it might be wise to wait just a bit before clicking 'buy it now'...

Exactly what I was thinking, especially the "ship it to a port" part...

According to the ebay listing, it's in Engels AFB in Russia. So the current crisis in the Ukraine shouldn't impact shipping. I'd be more concerned about if the seller has have a valid title to the aircraft.

I would not be surprised at all if this is being sold by some member of the government that's about to be ousted and needs some funds for a long term island getaway.

The fact that two of the props are missing suggests however that this is a plane that has been cannibalized for parts, and getting it working again would probably be quite a tricky endeavor unless you've got some "in" with Tupolev that can supply you with parts.

IIRC there was a helicopter that was powered by supersonic jets on the tips of the rotor that might be in the running too, but I don't think it made it past prototype stage either. Apparently bowel loosening noise levels are bad for funding.

The Fairey Rotodyne. There have been quite a few Tip-Jet helicopters made, but generally cancelled due to astounding inefficiency and problems getting fuel to the tip-jets reliably.

This would be a great plane to have in an US Air Museum. It would also be cool to see the old soviet era electronics and mechanisms on display too in a technical exhibit in relation to the plane. Sadly, I don't think it would make a great super villain's lair as, having toured a few bombers, I find that they are notoriously short on interior space. While they can carry heavy payloads, they carry heavy, dense payloads, so volume isn't a going concern in their design, unlike passenger and cargo aircraft. Still, way cool.

I think it's the loudest production airplane. The Thunderscreech never made it past the prototype stage.

IIRC there was a helicopter that was powered by supersonic jets on the tips of the rotor that might be in the running too, but I don't think it made it past prototype stage either. Apparently bowel loosening noise levels are bad for funding.

I'd be willing to bet the SR-71 was louder. I saw one take off and then do a flyby at an airshow at the now defunct Norton AFB. Despite taking time for the flyby, it set a then record for a US transcontinental flight that afternoon. To this day, it's by far the loudest thing I've ever heard. I think it even shook some organs loose.

OH MY GOD! That it so damn cool. Like them commies knew how to make a funky looking plane.

I remember seeing one at an Air tattoo. I was probably 12 at the time, but I remember it so clearly. I don't think I appreciated the significance of Soviet built aircraft displayed flying in a western air tattoo, but now I feel privileged to see a short window of aviation history flying.

Sean Gallagher / Sean is Ars Technica's IT Editor. A former Navy officer, systems administrator, and network systems integrator with 20 years of IT journalism experience, he lives and works in Baltimore, Maryland.