Archiv für den Monat: August 2016

The unstoppable rise of Donald Trump – Part 1:
Why Donald Trump’s election for the President of the United States probably cannot be prevented anymore

Donald Trump (69), presidential candidate for the Republican party, is, since the Declaration of Independence, more successful than every other candidate for this high position in the US history. He has the best chances to beat Hillary Clinton because he understands how to activate the scariest instincts of US hillbillies at every given opportunity, and to burn prejudice and hatred into their minds. That is what his opponents say.

However, this alone cannot really explain the mysterious success of this swearing troll. Because Americans do expect not only assertiveness of their president but also a minimum of intelligence. George “Double-U” Bush was at least able to tie his shoes on his own.

Meanwhile, the situation has gotten considerably worse. After it was revealed that Trump now even wins over the sympathy of the young offspring. Under very strange circumstances, a very sensitive and very prudent 9-year-old girl named Eva Langley* suddenly mutated into a fierce Trump-fan. It is unbelievable, but the little Eva now thinks that Trump’s „hair” is just awesome as his vulgar remarks against everything that is not white and hillbilly. Trump’s opponents suspect that the girl could have undergone through a brain-washing.

The American Federal Bureau of Investigation has been suspicious for a while that something about the resounding success of multi-billionaire is very fishy. But despite careful monitoring, there is still no evidence, only speculations.

A homeless man claims that he saw how Trump’s grisly hairpiece suddenly moved after dark. It supposedly really came to life and came out of the Trump’s skull escaping into a dense bush. However, the eyewitness was apparently three sheets to the wind at the time.

On the same day, the 32-year old Mary Simmons* discovered a bizarre and ruffled piece of fur between the stuffed animals of her 8-year-old daughter Wendie*. She put on rubber gloves, grabbed the gross thing, and tried to dispose it in the waste container. However, the hairy monster defended himself and was floundering so wildly that Mary finally had to let it go. It quickly disappeared into the darkness.

When a commercial of Donald Trumps was on TV the next day, the woman could not believe her eyes: The hairy monster, which escaped in the night, throned Trump’s edged skull. She immediately went to the police, but when the officials checked Trump’s toupee, it was floppy and lifeless again.

On the same evening, the 9-year-old Eva must have been attacked and infected by the hair piece. This epidemic escalated and is probably unstoppable ever since. After the innocent children, even adults are now infected with this plague. Formerly declared opponents of Trump are now suddenly running up to the guy to enthusiastically shake his hand.

Unfortunately, Eva’s parents were throwing all warnings of the FBI to the wind. Instead of packing their deliriously nonsense babbling child into a straitjacket and having it put into an artificial coma by disease specialist at the hospital, Eva’s producer promptly initiated another meeting of the poor girl with Donald Trump. When they informed the daughter of this good news – of course coincidentally in front of a running smartphone camera – the little girl completely freaked out, became hysterical, and eventually went completely nuts…

*Name changed

Close-up of Trump’s toupee – if it winks at you, it is already too late…

…and that is what Trump’s hairpiece looks like in the body scanner when checking in at the airport

Video recording of Eva’s reaction when she learned of her meeting with Donald Trump (re-staged with actors for youth protection)…

This 9-Year-Old Is Very Excited to See Donald Trump (Storyful, Kids)

The unstoppable rise of Donald Trump – Part 2:
How Donald Trump almost effortlessly wins over voters to his side

The US election is heating up – it is certain now: Donald Trump is the presidential candidate of the Republicans. Hillary Clinton has finally prevailed against Bernie Sanders. But does it really matter who eventually loses against Trump?
That son of a bitch keeps gaining sympathies with the electorate – he even miraculously scores with people who hated him until now. So, for example, he insulted a Puerto Rican, who immediately ran to the District Attorney and wanted to report Trump. The attorney asked: „What did he call you? ‚Chicken fucker’ or ‚child molester’?” „No, ‚asshole’,” the man growled. The attorney looked at him blankly: „Then you should feel special, that is what he usually only calls his best friends!”

When Trump was confronted with our story by a reporter, in which we accuse his toupee of developing an independent existence and attacking people, he just grinned and murmured to him: „The hair on my head is real of course, even in school they always called me Yeti because of my mane. But if I had a toupee, it would be one like this!” He called us afterwards and wanted to commit us as a PR consultant.

However, some of his ex-wives doubt that he has ever visited a school. Even psychologists think that it is unlikely: Even a honk (main school graduate without significant knowledge) has a larger vocabulary than Trump, and only about half of them are fecal – or swear words. With Trump, however, every sentence would consist of at least three-quarters of expletives of the nastiest category. Not including the usual insults.

Trump’s shrinks think that his airs and graces regarding his ‘hair’ are most notable. The guy is known to only let a few selected people touch the hairy part of his skull. The hair spray that he is spraying on it for hours probably has a numbing effect on the toupee, which obviously doesn’t like to be touched.

No one knows where he has found this outrageous mop. Ex-wife Ivanka Trump supposedly once said that the thing “strayed” to him, but then was probably silenced with money.

However, a very hot trail is leading to California, where the witch Joey Talley frees her customer’s computers from viruses and malware with magic and herbs. She supposedly brought Trump’s triumph by “healing” his head. Confidants of the witch say that she has resolved a blockade in Trump’s brain that was preventing hair growth. However, the newly grown hair has very strange properties – that it can only be combed to the front is probably the most harmless by far. Less confidence-inspiring: The mop has its own metabolism – that should give us all something to think about…

Joey seems to have resolved many blockages in Trump…

Joey Talley’s information video on YouTube – if your computer is virus-infested, or find a toupee useful that clings to your head, snaps at the hairdresser and seeks its food itself, then you should check her out… (A click on the image brings you to the YouTube video)