Feel empty and emotionless

I have been with my husband a total of 10 years and married almost 8 years. I knew when we first started dating that he was busy being a small business owner. He was always a go getter and working a lot. I worked and was busy with a social life and things were good. We were both raised in families that did not show feelings or emotions, so I am sure you know where part of this is going. Fast forward a few years. The business (which includes 3 small retail stores) is having some financial problems. Being that my husbands father was part owner in the business he was also drawing a paycheck but was not working at the business at all for years. Father in law becomes ill and his part of business gets transferred in my name, I borrow money from family to try to bail the business out NOT knowing my inlaws ares stealing from it on top of collecting paychecks for 20 years. BIG huge mess! Husband and I are already not doing well in the relationship and now this huge blow.

I am angry at my husband for being so blind and trusting even though it was his own parents, I owe my family thousands of dollars, his parents take no responsibility for the 2 stores that have closed down now because of this mess, my husband is now working double in the one store we do have then he was in the three stores we had to try to make ends meet. I am angry at him for not cutting his parents off of payroll when the stores went into financial troubles, as he cut his pay down to bare minimum and he was physically working. I am angry at myself for not getting more involved and for trusting them myself. They stole thousands....and my husband still chooses to split holiday time between me and them. I feel like he is sneaky behind my back with them (even though they barely speak to him, imagine that)

But most of all, I am hurt by the lack of compassion, support from my husband. He has not reached out to me, not hugged me once in all of the times I have cried over this, gotten so depressed. My own life has gone through it's own major health changes while all of this was happening and never once did he offer to help me with doctor's appointments or even know when I was going. (I even lost my job & became disabled due to a Worker's Comp case from so many surgeries) He is and always has been so consumed with "his life and work". My family says it's not personal, that he is just scatter brained, but I don't accept it anymore....where does my life come into play, when does my life matter, it has been about his BS for 10 years and now I am in financial devastation and owe family money because of it too. He finally went to a doctor, who has DX with adult ADD. GO FIGURE....

I am so tired of being alone...yet I am married. Sometimes I look at him while he sleeps and wonder why the heck did I marry him. Other times, I think, maybe we can work it out, but it would take a lot of work and patience, something we would both need to invest in....just don't know if I want to put that much effort in anymore.

Needless to say my emotions are kind of empty for him right now and he doesn't get it, he thinks things are ok. How do you think things are good when you don't sleep together, barely kiss, speak or see each other for days at a time??? How is that a good healthy relationship? And when we do speak, it's arguing? SO very tired...

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time!
You wrote, "But most of all, I am hurt by the lack of compassion, support from my husband". Your husband is in a terrible position. I know this is not what you want to hear so I hope you will at least entertain the thought, but my advice is to be compassionate and supportive and loving to your husband, and see what happens. You can bet that he feels so angry and duped by his parents, so sad that you went on a financial limb to help out, so stressed and burdened and disappointed.... no wonder there's not great communication and touching. YOU be the bigger person right now, and start reaching out. I wish you the very, very best, and I hear that you are hurting.

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time!
You wrote, "But most of all, I am hurt by the lack of compassion, support from my husband". Your husband is in a terrible position. I know this is not what you want to hear so I hope you will at least entertain the thought, but my advice is to be compassionate and supportive and loving to your husband, and see what happens. You can bet that he feels so angry and duped by his parents, so sad that you went on a financial limb to help out, so stressed and burdened and disappointed.... no wonder there's not great communication and touching. YOU be the bigger person right now, and start reaching out. I wish you the very, very best, and I hear that you are hurting.

blessings, Sue

Sue,
Actually I am glad to hear what you had to say, most would have just bashed him, with a quick response. He is a good person, a little misguided, but good hearted nontheless. He does feel all of those things by his parents and I can't imagine how it feels. I am used to being the backbone in my family and circle of friends, always the one who has it together, can fix problems, etc...and now I feel embarassed by all of this, that I let this happen to me via my husband. I have days where I try to be the bigger person, I really do, then there are days that set me off in the other direction and of course, he gets the wrath of it.

It is the constant wishy washy of emotions that keep me struggling and I make no progress either way. The family member who I borrowed $$ from knows everything that has happened and has never said one bad word about any party involved. That person truly believes in the honesty and goodness in my husband (and I have yet to see her be wrong with reading people's character over the last 25 years.) I have paid a good chunk of the $$$ back and maybe when it is all paid back i will feel better? Not sure.

Thank you for your insight! I guess it is just hard to see someone hurting when they don't show it. I assume everyone shows their hurt/pain like I do. I will try what you suggested and see how it goes, can't make any promises, but I can try.

Oh Angela, I am SO happy that you took my advice with the love that was intended, good for you. And again, I do understand all of your feelings and disappointments. I really do get it. I will be praying for the restoration of your marriage. Nothing worth saving is easy, is it.

mellow I am so sorry you are going through this. You say your husband has trouble showing emotion but it doesn't mean he isn't doing all he can to set things right, he must feel betrayed and cheated by his family and very responsible for letting his wife and family down, but often men feel they can't show weakness and need to put on a brave face to those around them, I'm sure that's what he is doing.

It doesn't sound like he took the money without any regard, and he probably feels terrible and just wants to keep working to keep the business afloat. I get it, I really do, it's hard on you and you are suffering also. My DH is the same way, he keeps money problems from me (but he'll get angry at times and criticize for e.g. not turning lights off, buying something we needed for the house etc, and it takes me a long time to dig down and get the truth from him, that he's just stressed about our money. It would be so much easier if he would just be more open but I think it comes down to male pride and a feeling that he should be doing better for us.

I think the best thing is to just be there, let him know you love him and support him, that's what he needs right now to keep going, and just have faith that things will work out one way or another in the future, and you can't magically fix this, just be supportive and let him know you are on his side because it sounds like he is struggling too, but has a hard time expressing that.

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mellow (12-26-2011)