Qaddafi’s Laissez-Faire Approach to Hair Care: Explained!

New photos have surfaced of the tacky, blighted Tripoli lair belonging to quasi-deposed Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi. The Daily Mail is calling the compound “Qaddafi’s Neverland,” likely because of the unexpected, unexplained presence of a private spinning-teacups ride and one of those vomitorious carousels with swings instead of stationary horses.

Qaddafi’s unkempt hair and fleshy lower face have inspired many to describe the dictator as “Play-Doh-left-out-in-the-sun-esque,” or “last-scene-of-Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark-like,” but in light of new evidence (the teacups and swings), there seems to be a more plausible explanation than Ark-inspired melting: Qaddafi perpetually just got off an amusement-park ride. The wild hair? Whiplash. The distracted, rambling speaking style? Dizziness and disorientation. The dripping cheeks? They were just stretched out from the high speeds—victims of centrifugal force.

In related news, we don’t have a compelling theory about the use of the Condoleezza Rice scrapbook other than the one we’re trying very hard not to think about.