Official Traumatizer :: Time for Timer

As a child of the ‘70s, your Aunt John has super fond memories of wearing footed-pajamas, chowing down on Count Chocula and getting totally lost in the cartoon offerings of ABC each and every Saturday. Without fail, between airings of CAPTAIN CAVEMAN and JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS IN OUTER SPACE, the normally enjoyable morning was marred by the unwanted appearance of the insanely self-righteous, stovepipe-hat wearing freak of nature known as TIMER. Shaped not unlike a colostomy bag with a set of toothpick legs, TIMER‘s platform was all about the importance of nutrition. Tellingly, the bloated TIMER never seemed to practice what he preached and spent most of his time singing the praises of cheese (Note to TIMER: A generation of undiagnosed, lactose-intolerant kids know a good place where you can stick your “wagon wheel“). Like many mad-with-power, wish-granting linguistic Nazi warlocks before him, TIMER liked to feign confusion while turning innocent children who wanted to EAT banana splits into actual banana splits. Whether these banana-split transformations were permanent is unknown, but the level of mental and physical pain these narcissistic whims caused his victims can be read on their shocked, banana-split denied faces. TIMER was never shy about exploring internal organs (Who thought this was a good idea?) and initially got his start in the 1973 ABC AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL: THE INCREDIBLE, INDELIBLE, MAGICAL, PHYSICAL MYSTERY TRIP (starring kinder-fave KIM RICHARDS), where two kids are taken on a nauseatingly intimate journey through the plumbing of their Uncle Carl. Gross, right? TIMER then followed up this chestnut of a traumatizer with 1974’s THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TRIP THROUGH LITTLE RED’S HEAD, which was even more disgusting. I hate you TIMER, and all of your promises of “Sunshine on a Stick.” It never worked… you twisted, hypocritical Fig Newton wannabe!

For those interested in more of TIMER‘s shenanigans, please check out the highly informative EDUCATION, 80’s STYLE (be warned… it’s pretty old school, and you will need Real Media Player).