NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

D.C. Once Again Murder Capital, Mayor Brags

WASHINGTON, DC—Washington Mayor Anthony Williams bragged Monday that, after nearly a decade, the city has resumed its rightful place as the U.S. murder capital.

Williams boasts of Washington's dangers.

"Hey, it only makes sense," said Williams at a press conference Monday. "We're the capital of the United States, so we should also be the capital of murders. But the thing is, if you're from here, you know how to take care of yourself in a city as big and bad as D.C."

According to the latest crime statistics provided by the FBI, Washington led the nation in murders per capita in 2002 with 45.8 per 100,000 citizens, edging out 2001's murder capital, Detroit, by 3.8 murders.

"I knew we'd come back," Williams said. "These other cities are pretenders. Detroit doesn't have what it takes to keep up with the real champ. They talk a good game, but that's all it is: talk. We don't mess around here. We're for real."

Washington was one of a handful of cities that didn't follow the nationwide trend of decreasing homicide rates.

"Yeah, we're not big trend-followers here in D.C.," said Williams, puffing out his chest slightly. "We have our own way of doing things. Our murder rate has always been high. Just because folks over in L.A. or Miami start settling down, that doesn't mean we will here."

One possible explanation for the increase in the murder rate is the implementation of new homeland-security measures. Many Washington police officers have been reassigned from their regular duties in order to protect government buildings and public monuments. However, the FBI report noted that New York, which faces similar safety concerns, experienced a slight decline in the murder rate for 2002.

"I'll admit, it's a little rough here," Williams said. "This city isn't for everyone. You gotta have street smarts to get by. You can't carry yourself like some tourist from Cowtown, USA. You gotta watch your back."

"Even so, it's still the best place on earth," Williams said. "I wouldn't live anywhere else. Washington has so much to offer: history, culture, entertainment. A few murders won't change that. They just bring those of us who live here a little closer together. You see, we look after our own here. We got one another covered."

At the mention of community spirit, Williams appeared downcast.

"We would like to express our condolences to the families of the victims who made us number one," Williams said. "Our hearts go out to those who have fallen. We're like family, so it's always sad to see one of our own die. Unfortunately, that's the risk of life in the fast lane."

Although Washington led the nation in murders per capita, detractors were quick to point out that it ranked fifth in overall homicides. While Washington counted 262 murders in 2002, both Chicago and Los Angeles tallied more than 600.

One of the 262 homicides that made Washington, D.C. number one.

"Yeah, Chicago thinks it's so great with its 647 murders," Williams said. "Believe me, if Washington had as many people as Chicago, we'd have more than twice their murders. Do the math."

Karla Rose, spokeswoman for the public-watchdog group Safe Streets D.C., expressed dismay over what her group called Williams' "cavalier attitude toward crime."

"I expected the mayor to address these disturbing statistics with sobriety," Rose said. "This city doesn't need a show of bravado. It needs a show of grave concern and nebulous promises to improve things."

Should the crime rate continue to rise at the current rate, analysts predict that Washington could see as many as 325 murders next year. For those who expressed concern, Williams had a suggestion.

"If you think it's too tough for you, and you want to move out to [Washington suburb] Silver Spring, then don't let me stop you," Williams said. "Seriously, I think we can get by without you. Me, I'll take D.C. every time."

Rose characterized Williams' comments as "more ridiculous posturing."

"It's absolutely outrageous that a graduate of Yale, who earned degrees in law and public policy at Harvard, would talk this way," Rose said. "See, I'm from D.C. I grew up right in [the inner-city neighborhood of] Anacostia. I think Williams better watch himself. You go around shooting your mouth off like that here, you're liable to get yourself hurt."