(TRUMP STARTS DOING CROTCH CHOPS SO VIOLENTLY HIS HAND STARTS TO BLEED. RUDY TRIES TO DO THEM AS WELL, BUT SOMEHOW KEEPS MISSING)

OBAMA: Well I’m not staying here for this nonsense.

TRUMP: I’m just jerking your chain. Turn off those tunes Rude Rudy.

(RUDY TURNS OFF THE MUSIC)

TRUMP: I started calling him Rude Rudy now. It’s like his new gimmick. Pretty cool, huh?

OBAMA: Yeah that’s…that’s really something.

TRUMP: Do you mind if I look around the White House a little bit?

OBAMA: Well actually yes. I think you should probably wait a little bit before you start taking tours.

TRUMP: I just want to make sure there’s enough room for my remodeling.

OBAMA: What remodeling are you referring to?

TRUMP: I just have a few changes I’m going to make. I want my staff eating well so I’m going to put a TGI Fridays in the West Wing. Maybe fill a room with Jell-O and let babes wrestle in it, but when they least suspect it, we’ll release a wild puma into the room and just see what happens.

GIULIANI: Oh hell yeah!

OBAMA: Well first of all, he’s not supposed to be here at all. Security, can you escort Mr. Giuliani to the lobby? Give him something to color, or shine a flashlight into his eyes?

GIULIANI: Nine Eleven!

(SILENCE AS SECURITY ESCORTS RUDY OUT OF THE ROOM.)

TRUMP: Anyway, the best part is that I can do all of this remodeling without making the taxpayers cover it. You know why? Because I’m a genius businessman. Check this out.

(TRUMP SLAPS A PRINTED-OUT GROUPON ONTO THE TABLE. IT’S GOOD FOR $5,000 IN HOME REPAIRS FOR ONLY $500. OBAMA PICKS IT UP AND LOOKS AT IT)

OBAMA: Well this certainly was a good deal.

TRUMP: I know. I used to host The Apprentice.

OBAMA: Unfortunately, according to this fine print at the bottom, it expired December 2015.

(TRUMP SNATCHES THE PAPER OUT OF OBAMA’S HAND)

TRUMP: (MUMBLES) Stupid Putin. Why do I keep trusting him?

OBAMA: What was that?

TRUMP: Oh nothing. Hey so where do you keep your birth certificate anyway?

OBAMA: It’s right here actually.

(OBAMA POINTS TO HIS FRAMED BIRTH CERTIFICATE ON THE WALL)

OBAMA: Where do you keep your tax returns?

(TRUMP MAKES A PHONE RING SOUND WITH HIS MOUTH AND LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CELL)

TRUMP: Oh gracious, it seems as though my wife Merkeena needs me. I should probably head out.

OBAMA: Do you mean Melania?

TRUMP: Yeah that’s it. Belcheena.

OBAMA: Melania. Seriously, how did you forget it that fast?

TRUMP: China!

OBAMA: Are you just yelling out buzzwords at this point?

TRUMP: No…

(SILENCE)

TRUMP: I’m gonna build a wall!

OBAMA: And how do you plan on doing that?

(TRUMP PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND SEARCHES “WALL BUILDERS” ON GROUPON)

OBAMA: OK. Well, I need to get back to work.

TRUMP: Yeah I need to go as well. Rude Rudy just texted me that he got his head stuck in the bannister of the stairs again.

OBAMA: Sounds about right.

TRUMP: You don’t happen to have any butter do you? We normally just grease his head and it pops right out.

GIULIANI: (FROM THE OTHER ROOM) No more butter!

(MIKE PENCE POPS HIS HEAD INTO THE ROOM)

PENCE: We could just electrocute him until his head’s not stuck anymore?

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