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July 11, 2011

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The Art Of Coming Off Casual:
Getting Thrown In A Pool, and Being Cool With It

Summah
time. Vibing.

Pool-partying.
Skin flashing

Hijinks
will happen.

So you got tossed in the pool? So
fucking what?! You’re at a pool party lady, what did you expect? You thought
you were going to roll up in this piece wearing some thin white capris with
loud panties SCREAMING through the seat of your pants. Get out of town bub;
you’re asking too much. You HAD to go in the pool. Look, pool parties are
uncomfortable situations, for everybody (well except for people with abs and
who gives a shit about those people anyway); we’re all exposing ourselves to
one another in varying degrees, really letting it hang out there you know? It’s
stressful. People spray on suntan lotion, hoping to mask their skin like some
kind of a Jimmy Buffett Emperor’s New Clothes situation. Sad stuff no?But ultimately, there’s really only a
moment of reckoning and everyone moves on. It’s liberating, and as always, this
is a fucking excellent icebreaker, being semi-nude really helps people loosen
up. Oh but wait! Just when everyone has more or less accepted the honesty of
the moment, your dipshit ass shows up and you want to look all cool and chic?!
Well you don’t, you look like an asshole. Fuck you and your loud underwear,
which by the way we already could see through your pants, so don’t front like
you’re embarrassed when you go in the pool. You knew what you were doing the
whole time. You’re getting tossed in the pool

Oh but now YOU’RE mad?!!? You’re
the one who showed up improperly dressed for the party. Crack an etiquette book
little momma, and it’s not like we didn’t pilfer your pockets and pick your
celly and wallet out. We’re not ANIMALS! Here’s the deal, everyone wants to “be
cool” nobody wants to be cool. BE COOL ABOUT THIS! What’re you gonna do? We’re
all supposed to be able to laugh at ourselves, it’s up to you to make this a big
deal. Aaaaaaand it’s not a big deal, you’re wet now, you’ll be dry later. PLUS,
you were a part of one of the biggest moments of the party. Get over yourself
lady, have a beer, smoke something and throw the next weirdo who shows up
wearing white pants into that fucking pool.

Photo: Shannon Hatch @cheezitslut being thrown
in the pool by Nick Rutherford, who was just thrown in the pool himself. This
was not written about Shannon, she’s excellent and was totally cool about going
in the pool. Photo by Mike Burns @Toiletwine