The Twelve Days of Life After Gene Chizik (Frances Coleman Column)

On the first day of life after Gene Chizik, my true love said to me that even though $7.5 million doesn’t go as far as it used to, we could do a lot with the money Auburn University is spending to dump its football coach.

For openers, he pointed out, we could give 93 four-year scholarships to students attending any public college that charges up to $20,000 a year. In the alternative, he said, we could bestow 37 free rides to any private college that charges up to $50,000 a year.

On the second day of life after Gene Chizik, eyeing my seven-year-old Prius and my husband’s eight-year-old Buick, my true love observed that I might prefer a couple of new cars instead. Accordingly, he cancelled the endowments and bestowed upon me two 2013 F12 Berlinettas, touted by Ferrari as its “fastest road car to date.” In fact, at an estimated $300,000 each, he’s giving me 25 of them so we can share our good fortune with family and friends.

On the third day of life after Gene Chizik, my true love was a little ashamed of his extravagance. “It’s the Christmas season,” he said. “How about we feed and clothe some homeless folks?” So he took back his scholarships and cars, and at a cost of $10 each, he gave to me hot meals for 750,000 people.

On the fourth day of life after Gene Chizik, my true love decided we could do more for the homeless. He negotiated the price of those hot meals down to $5 each, leaving us $3.75 million with which to buy our quarter of a million new friends some warm clothes, too.

On the fifth day of life after Gene Chizik, my true love reverted to his greedy self of three days earlier and opted for the traditional five golden rings. Not just any rings, of course, but – at $1.5 million each – the kind of rings that would’ve made Elizabeth Taylor’s mouth water. We’re talking diamonds, sapphires, pearls – you name it.

Remember, it’s only money. Why waste it on a washed-up football coach, much less on the poor?

Ah, but by the sixth day of life after Gene Chizik, my true love was recalling the biblical admonishment to “love thy neighbor.” Retrieving his college scholarships, fancy cars, meals, clothes and rings, he decided to give to me 100 modest new homes for East Coast families displaced by Hurricane Sandy.

“Doggone it,” I countered on the seventh day of life after Gene Chizik. “None of those Yankees gave us a neighborhood of new houses after Hurricane Katrina. Let’s do something patriotic. EADS-North America is building twin-engine helicopters in Mississippi. Why don’t we buy one for our nation’s fighting men and women? I’m not sure what the final price tag will be once we outfit and man it, but I’m pretty sure $7.5 million will cover the bill.”

And thus went the eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh and twelfth days of Christmas as my true love and I haggled over what we could do with the amount of money Auburn University is spending to buy out its ex-coach’s contract.

I love college football as much as the next person, and I am willing to acknowledge that in addition to entertaining the masses, our state’s football programs enhance Alabama’s image and even contribute to its economic development efforts.

Still, I wince when I think how much $7.5 million could do – especially at this time of year -- to alleviate people’s suffering, vaccinate children, buy library books for impoverished communities, assist senior citizens with the cost of their medicines and help churches care for the needy.

In just a few weeks, Christians in Alabama will celebrate the birth of a holy child who, as an itinerant preacher, cautioned his followers that “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

As the days of Christmas lead us to that man’s birthday, may you and I and all of our true loves remind ourselves to care for those around us at least as much as we care about cars, jewels and, yes, college football.