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Friday, 12 February 2010

Bravo Zulu Fatso Mango

Tensions are running high here on Walton’s mountain.

In fairness, there isn’t a mountain within 300 miles of us and we are about 2 good days of rain away from needing canoes, but the brain is feeble today and misplaced topographical parallels are all I can muster.

Not content with forcing me into having to put on its mother’s shoes and socks, this child also seems intent on making her walk like a wardrobe being pushed up a hill. This, it transpires, is due to the fact it’s bloody massive.

That’s the midwife’s official view anyway, which she shared with us today while running through the measurements from last week’s scan.

An average head, colossal belly, and tiny legs. Yes indeed, the universe is getting its own back on me, and I’m going to be raising someone that looks like Jabba the hutt.

The upside of growing a monstrous all consuming savage is that they won’t let it get too big without smoking it out. Apparently if it reaches the size of a hotel mini-bar it’s quite difficult to remove through a vaginal passage. Who knew?

Add to all this the fact that concerns that have been voiced over our ability to appropriately name the kid, and it’s feared we will call it after a fruit, or a celebrity, or a celebrity fruit. Therefore we’ve decided to embrace a new name for the belly dweller.

Mango. Fatso Mango.

So you, you umbilical bungee jumping big lipped bugger, this is a warning to you. Make an appearance soon Fatso Mango or we’re coming in there to get you out.

Mmmmm. Well. Maybe. They are often wrong on these pre-birth size estimations. They certainly were with Lily when the PROFESSIONAL DOCTOR SONOGRAM GUY told her three weeks before she delivered that her baby might already weigh 10 pounds and that she needed to go ahead and have him SOON! Well, as we all know, three weeks later when Owen was born, he was only 9 lbs. 13 oz. So okay, "only" might not be the best word but you know what I'm saying- they are frequently wrong.I like Mango Fatso. Good name. Mango Fatso will be here when Mango Fatso wants to be here. And of course, the midwife told you that having sex can bring on labor, right? Stop laughing. Get busy.

You'll be happy you got in a lot of one-on-one time with ET's private parts in the couple of years preceding the birth... because if memory serves me correctly, it might be a while before you or she want you anywhere near "the region" again.

following on from Ms. Moon, maybe it would be helpful to look up some stats on "macrosomia" (big baby), how ultrasound measurements can be off by +/-2lb., and the risks of induction (breathing difficulties, higher c-section rate etc.), as well as the possible benefits (obviously, all goes well and you get to meet little Mango sooner). Also, off-topic, but your piece in the Irish Times was fab.

Bigger babies are hungrier but more gorgeous and more content. DO NOT be surprised if you end up a c-section...if baby Mango gets that big, they might opt for that...like you said in your last post...we sit, all over the world, waiting on the edge of our seats for your little miracle to arrive! Soon, very soon!

Scaramouche, scaramouche can you do the fat mango, thunderbolts and lightening etc etc.

Also, I would like to echo concerned comments about induction, cascade of intervention, c-section risk and the inaccuracy of scans. Can I also throw in a bit about women not growing babies bigger than they can birth otherwise we'd be a bit of a failure as a species?

You're going to give the lad/lass a complex about his body shape before he's even born? Hmmmm???? Maybe he/she is not fat, just juicy. Juicy Mango Fitz. Like that better I think. Any time now. Any time. -M

I was told with my first child that prenatal measurements can be off by as much as a pound in either direction. Hmm... I initially said that to try to make you feel better, but then I realized that means your kid might even be a pound larger than estimated. Maybe you should start lifting weights in preparation for carrying sweet Fatso.

Damn, I can't find the post where we all guessed dates, times, etc....when was that one??? Like you have nothing better to do with your time right now than tell me this...I know...pacing?? Racing-pacing yet?? We are!

Really hope that no news is good news! I know, I know, your baby BOY! will make its appearance on its own time. This waiting is driving me insane - every few minutes on your blog to see if there is any news. From what i can read, youll be a great dad and a proud one too! The love you will feel is like nothing ever experienced before. Congrats if babes is here already, if not, i will wait patiently like the rest of the world. YOLANDE, SOUTH AFRICA