The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 4/18/13: Eager Young Lads And Rogues And Cads

Well hello there, lovely readers. I know there are a lot of crazy things happening right now, so I appreciate you stopping by. If you’re reading this it means you’re somewhere, safe and sound, and I’m ever so thankful for that. With everything going on, it’s pretty tough to act like a dumb wrestling show is important, least of all try to be funny about it, but I think we could all do with a bit of levity and I will try my very best. A few things before we dive into another episode:

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This week on Impact: We’re still in Corpus Christi and AJ Styles still hasn’t showered, but Christy Hemme changed her dress so it must be a new episode. /creeper slow-pan to Impact report

So wait, Danielle still wrote this yes? It lists Brandon as the writer but this feels more like Danielle. I know your styles are similar (i.e., you’re both talented and smart and friendly to each other) but I feel like the picture of Danielle in the Young Bucks t-shirt and the talk about Canada are tipping me off.

It’s funny at first I was like “this is the worst thing ever” and then after about the 3rd time they cut to the ref cam I kinda liked it. They have to work out the problem with the weird tint it was giving off but it definitely grew on me.

Wrestling logic: A slogan can’t be even a little bit vague in its message. Can’t risk outside wrestling people also appreciating the shirt!
see: Ziggler’s “it’s not showing off…” (cool, playfully arrogant) “…if you back it up” (shit.)

Regarding who I would like to see in the TNA X-division. Off the top of my head how about Eric Young, Kazarian, Christopher Daniels, AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy, A Double, Robbie E, Joey Ryan AND THOSE ARE JUST THE GUYS THEY ALREADY HAVE ON THEIR ROSTER MOST OF WHICH THEY DON”T KNOW WHAT THE F TO DO WITH!!!

What are you talking about? Kazz and daniels are a tag team, they have been with the X division since day one. AJ/Hardy/AA are main eventers, why do you want to knock them back down? Robbie e andJoey Ryan definitely are not X division material, more like curtain jerkers/random TV title run.

Austin Aries proved last year that the x-division belt can be as big of a belt as anything. It’s a direct shot at the Heavyweight Title, why wouldn’t a guy like AJ want it as opposed to a go nowhere feud with Storm?

I’m not saying I want them to book a long running feud between Jeff Hardy and Kenny King, what I am saying is that TNA already has a lot of talent on the roster that could be used to bolster the shallow ranks of the x-division. Plus it seems silly when you only have 2 hours a week to dedicate so much TV time to matches involving guys that are only going to be there once. Sure it’s cool for indy wrestling fans but it doesn’t exactly do anything to build your brand. Also it’s a it superfluous when you’re still running gut check every month.

Why is it a “go nowhere” feud with Storm? Because you dont like it? I dont actually think they are feuding, more like building on their mutual history in order to farther develop the new AJ persona. Since moving to the 4 PPV format the “X division champ cashes in a World title match” thing is kind of on hold but not completley canceld(as evident by recent Kenny King).. AJ cant get a title shot until BFG, and thats due to storm pinning him in the 3 way awhile ago.

I agree with some of your thoughts in a way, but the X division has williams, dutt, king, sabin, ion, york(wish he wasnt though), hopefully Jigsaw soon – thats not too bad. All they need is Feuds and storylines, not the IWC darlings on the month(Fox, Swann) as Danielle suggests.I suspect they are building toward a Williams – King match at Slammiversary.

Hardy doesnt wrestle like a he used to 7 years ago. His current style and stature does not befit in the X division anymore but maybe a short reign down the line could be nice…

Im not sure what you mean by “going to be there once”, Williams, Dutt, king and sabin are all signed to a contract and Zema ion has been in the division forever. Gutcheck needs some tweaking i agree, but i dont see what it has to do with the X division? Its just a way to evaluate new talent or build storylines(Wes briscoe),

I just wanted to tell you guys, that I actully enjoyed almost E-V-E-R-Y-thing on this IMPACT ! and I wish every episode of IMPACT could be just like it ! the only exception was brooke hogan for me (it’s almost the only worst that I agree with you on here)

I enjoyed this just like chris sims enjoyed wrestlemania ! (not by being “there” to witness it but what I meant is that I enjoyed something that you might have not enjoyed, apparently)

You can tell that AJ Styles is so full of angst. How you ask? He wears a hoodie and in addition to growing a stubbly beard he appears to be growing his chest hair to match. I can see why he isn’t wearing a shirt – I’ll bet that itches like crazy.

As for the X-Division question: Jigsaw needs to come back. I have no idea why he hasn’t been on TV considering he was awesome last year. Also, Teddy Hart because I’d love to watch what happens. Preferably live.

I guess I’m heartless, but things like the bombing and the fertilizer plant explosion don’t upset me. There are so many worse things to be upset by. Simply giving everyone in America proper health care would cost less and save way more lives than the billions upon billions wasted on wars and dubious homeland security measures. More people in America in 2013 will die from heart disease in two to three days (by average) than have ever died from terrorism in the entire history of the U.S.

There is no such thing as safety.

Also TNA sucked horribly this week, and I know I spend too much time on the internet because as I was clicking on the link about the Daisy Carter action figure I was expecting to be greeted by a gif of someone jizzing on it.

I feel the same like you in the first paragraph, actully ! maybe that’s because I’m syrian and I’ve been kicked outside of my country for the past 2 years, can’t go back to the university there, had my family’s home there destroyed by a freakin’ rocket and heard of 70’000 people of my country getting annihilated and many more prisoned, missed or forced to leave the country like me !

things are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more horrible outside of the U.S. actully …

but I still find happiness when I watch episodes of IMPACT like this one ! and that’s why I’m always sad when you guys disagree with me … however, I still respect your opinions and hope you understand mine

I actually enjoyed this episode for the most part–but that may just be because I’m getting back into TNA (and WWE for that matter) for the first time in about 7 years and my expectations are ridiculously low. I actually really liked the X match (but, again, I haven’t seen any X-Division in years). Joe may have really let himself go but he’s still deceptively athletic and can still cut a promo like nobody’s business (although this episode made him look like an idiot–you mean to tell me he stops an As&8s beatdown, gets SO pissed at them that he challenges D-Von, and then, somehow, doesn’t bring any backup?). I always love me some Mickie James (has she already feuded with Gail Kim? Because if not, I wanna see that and if so, I wanna see THAT). If I may add a few Bests/Worsts:

Worst: Aces & Eights are the new nWo

FIVE SNEAK ATTACKS IN 90 MINUTES?! (Four and a half if you don’t count poor Joe Park as a whole one) I know I’m new to this but…do they, like, do other stuff? Oh yeah, yelling and revving bike engines. My B.

Worst: AJ’s New M.O.

Which is apparently showing up for things and then symbolically walking away because…metaphors…or something.

Worst/Best/Worst again: DOUBLE DEUCE!

AJ walking away WHILE Aces & Eights execute their fifth and final sneak attack of the night!

Best: Bad Influence (and Dirty Heelz, too)

I can’t believe there was no mention of Christopher Daniels prancing backstage in this column. Also not enough discussion of the awesomeness of Kaz and Daniels singing the “Three Best Friends” song from “The Hangover.” I popped so hard. Also also, homophobia aside, the infantile cut-down fight between Bad Influence and Dirty Heelz was freaking hilarious. My favorite part was after the exchange rate, AA saying he’s 1/4th of an opinion so they both add up to a whole one (what?) and Kaz going “THAT’S TERRIBLE MATH!”

Best: Stack Suplexes, How I Missed You

No matter how contrived and fake they look I will never get tired of stack suplexes. What can I say? TNA knows me.

Best: Is Joseph Park the New Mikey Whipwreck?

Seriously. He looks like a giant puppy dog and takes beatings with so much sympathy. I really thought he was going to cry like Bully Ray said he was.

also, aces & 8’s attacking everyone in this episode was neccesary for rebuilding their lost credibility over the past few months before bully joined AND to build into hogan not having anyone of the heroes to help him and needing either morgan or styles to rescue the company ! so, a long-sighted best for that ?!

and aj walking away on others is exactly what he should do ! he can’t stand there against the A&8’s (at least not now .. not yet) or help them to beat up guys from TNA (which will also be against the possible storyline of him being one of the only two available guys that can help hogan) AND, imo, it was cool to see him walking while the camera shoots what’s happening behind his back ! it was like the guy walking while giving his back to the explosions behind him in movies !!!

“aces & 8′s attacking everyone in this episode was neccesary for rebuilding their lost credibility”

I guess that sort of makes sense on some level but FIVE TIMES in one episode? I get that they’re “taking over” or whatever but I mean we can have other things happen on this show too…and maybe space out their dismantling everyone on the roster over…I dunno…a couple weeks at least?

“aj walking away on others is exactly what he should do”

I mean, sure, but last week he shows up when called out by Hogan in order to do and say nothing while people either yell at him or sweet talk him before he walks away…and then this week he shows up for a match that has been scheduled for a week and walks all the way to the ring…just to walk away. There’s this new thing called subtlety, TNA.

Samuray Del Sol would give the X-division the kick up the arse it needs. Also, bring back the Young Bucks and nab the Super Smash Brothers with them – then you could re-heat both the X AND the Tag divisions.

Can someone explain to me exactly why they have rope breaks in triple threat matches? The idea of a rope break is if your opponent makes it to the ropes you have to break the hold within 5 seconds or you will be disqualified, but there are no disqualifications in a triple threat match, so why did Xema Ion stop his submission and more importantly why did the referee start counting to five?

Loads of people have already commented on how openly this film lifts from others in the genre. For me, it was clearly Moon and Independence Day thrown into a blender. Seriously, the shot of the tiny spacecraft approaching a large, triangular door set against the backdrop of earth orbit is virtually reproduced from ID4. While I question to what degree the fragmentation of the moon (as it’s still clearly visible and mostly intact in the CG shots) would affect the Earth, other than bombardment, that trope was stolen from the 2002 adaptation of The Time Machine.

It’s probably unfair to say this film is unoriginal purely on the basis of its story. When you really consider it, you can only ever pull the trigger on the back-story in one of two ways: good-aliens or bad-aliens. When it’s the latter, they wreck our shit. That’s the way it goes. The really good alien films, or at least those worthy of any intellectual masturbation, all contain some kind of subtext attempting to impugn the hubris of man’s belief that he’s the center of the universe or comment on an innate nobility when faced with impossible odds. Where this film fails completely is that it does not attempt any emotional resonance at all. It does not espouse the impotence of humanity in the face of technological superiority, and it does not celebrate the willingness of human beings to die for their convictions, however misplaced they may be. The film, especially the last 30 seconds which exists to underline the point that there was no real cost to winning, is, in essence, the love story of two people we don’t give a shit about, told over a long period of time. Basically The Fountain if it had been directed by Roland Emmerich and produced by Spielberg.