Reflections – nearly one year on

It is my 49th Birthday today, I have got holiday coming up soon, but got plenty still to do. I am sooo looking forward to being able to switch off for two whole weeks, but this year will be different, because i am different, my outlook on life is different.

It’s nearly a year since I came back off me hols, invested in this computer and started to write. This time last year I was completely stressed, worrying about work, worrying if I had forgotten to do something before I posted my out of office on.

The initial drive for writing was to complete the book, this time last year I was reflecting on the fact that i was coming up to 50 and still hadn’t completed writing the book “Blood is thicker than Alcohol”,. I felt whole and empty all the same time, something was missing from my life and i couldn’t figure it out.

I took the advice from a dear friend Mick Holmes and went out to purchase a desk, computer and started to write, not really knowing where it was taking me, but i just wrote. I took advice from other writers who tell you “to write, write anything every day” it improves your confidence with writing, but for me it has given back so much more, far much more than i could have ever imagined.

For almost a year I get up 1st thing in a morning and write (or should I say ramble) but an unexpected result of doing this has been that I have discovered a better version of me, an understanding how I tick, I have learned so much about myself, making the time for me, saving some of my precious time back for me.

I have read many books, learned that I am more creative than I ever knew, I feel calmer, I don’t tend to let things get to me as much, I am able to let so many issues go… I have been brave enough to share my thoughts and journey on my own website, (fuck me the fact that i actually own my own website domain is insane) I have pursued training that I have wanted to do for eons. Friends, the family now know that writing is a big part of my life now, I can openly share how much I enjoy it, even in the midst of others skepticism, I have steamed on.

I have learned to tame my drinking habits, I am much more mindful. However I am not perfect, I will have a shandy now and then and the odd bottle of wine on a weekend and whilst I can moderate my eating during the week, I still succumb to the weekend blow out, knowing all too well that I will feel bloated, and sick for a couple of days after. But I still do it. I still doubt myself (not as much) the self-doubt is always there, I still have FAT days, I still have days when I see a pic of myself and cringe (the camera doesn’t lie) because of what I see, the real me, the aged Tracey, the physical evidence of older age, the wrinkles, the flabby arms, the turtle neck, the kangaroo pouch, somedays I accept me as i am and other days I’m not so accepting.

There are some days, I don’t write, because I feel like I don’t have anything to say or I prioritize work or home life, but I always come back to the writing, I am going away in two days and feel torn, do I take my laptop? Do I take the risk of it being stolen or covered in sand, I do I just treat myself to a holiday note book and write when the urge takes me? I think it will be the latter!

There have been some shitty personal challenges through out the year such as unexpected death, injustices, crisis’s that have brought on emotional distress, but I am learning to cope with it much better, because I have realised that no ones life is perfect, including my own life #Shithappens to good people and nice stuff happens to #shitpeople, or should I say less deserving people. There is injustice all around us, but there are also some amazing stuff too, that’s often missed or taken for granted. Like friendships, connecting with people, seeing beyond the person who presents themselves differently from others, the rewards from being kind and compassionate, from being able to let things go sooner, rather than later, holding onto shit I cannot change and embracing the things I can change, like myself. Learning to save, keep back a little of that compassion the I have for others, for myself. Learning to be kinder to myself ignoring the negative dialog that can plague my inner self. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is not to be ashamed of not being perfect, not to be ashamed of getting shit wrong, not to be ashamed of being me,

The way I now see it is that we get one shot of life, and that’s a fact! I don’t want to be on my death bed full of regrets, I want to know that I lived life to the fullest, I want to be able to look back on my life and say “I did my best” not just for myself, but for others around me.

Life can be taken for granted, It is so easy just to go with the flow of life, without never actually taking any of it in, we can get carried away with ourselves and others that we risk missing out on so much.

So my birthday present this year is to me, is ME

Reflections - A year on
The same person
A different view
Learning about myself
The things I never knew
A new optimism for life
Learning to let go of the strife
Putting myself first
Recognising my own worth
Taking new risk’s
Venturing into the unknown
Accepting the challenges
Yet to unfold
I don’t know the future
I don’t have a crystal ball
But I do know this
We get one crack at life
And i'm giving it my all
Learning not to give up
The positives are still there
Opening my heart
Learniing, Its ok to care
Learning its ok to be me
Be brave
Be true
Trusting myself
Thats all i can do
Fordy 29.05.2019

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3 Replies to “Reflections – nearly one year on”

It is amazing the difference a year can make. I can’t say my year has made things better, it hasn’t, like you though I do understand myself better. And there is no point in living if we are not learning. Especially about ourselves.

I think there are a lot of adults still stuck at the egocentric stage of development. Toddlers masquerading as adults! With my two year old it is the opposite way round!

My biggest learning curbs and getting to know myself have really all come in my 40’s,through utter despair at times. I have met some of the best people and some of the worst. All bring something to the table, good and bad.