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Sunday, June 28, 2015

Transcending

As I sit here in my overly warm bedroom office with the setting sun blaring on me, I reflect on the decisions I have made.

I don't think that I am a person who does something randomly or without tremendous consideration. However, I must admit today was a mighty difficult day. Perhaps it was the news I received regarding a 'friend' of mind. Not really news, per say. I already knew this not-so-revelation was to occur. But reality has surprisingly struck me in the face once again. It made me sad.

So, I spent the day trying not to emotionally shop. For the most part, I succeeded. The 3 bags of radishes that are in my refrigerator are the wealth of my spoils. It has been just over three months since the end of what I knew as the rest of my life. Things are not terribly different. I mean, aside from the obvious fact I don't have him here with me and I still hate that I miss it. However, with me emotionally - I don't see myself as having grown. Despite my valiant attempts.

That sentence reminds me that I need to reschedule with my therapist. She is in support of my single-hood. She pointed out that I was in a relationship of some form or another for the majority of my 20s. It seems everyone is okay with this single shit, except me. I was suppose to get married. I had a financé - who I love(d), deeply. I had these things and all I can think is what possessed me to end everything I knew that would be okay?

I try to remind myself, but it is difficult. I know I want to be loved for who I am. I don't know if I will ever find that. But I do know that I am funny, intelligent, and willing to learn and grow. I also know I am not without fault. I am selfish and stubborn, among other things - but I want to transcend.

I need to transcend. I am losing a friend, but, I hope, I am gaining some further clarity on what it is I want and need out of my life.

Any negativity will hopefully evaporate in the upcoming 2 months. In addition to that negativity being flown out of my life - perhaps I'll work up the courage to delete my former fiancé's Netflix profile. My temporary roommate was prepping to do this, but I'm not ready. I hate to admit this, but perhaps there is part of me still holding out hope. I think that part of me is the same part that contemplates if she made the right decision.

Let's raise a glass to the journey I have ahead of me. Here is to being absolutely and utterly uncomfortable with every ideal I once had in my life. CHEERS!