I have been up and down and I am finally doing what is best for me and not for anyone else. Problem is, now that I've stopped to take a look around, I have no idea who I am. This is a journal to self discovery.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Awwww Geez Mer, Not Again?

Aside from the awful dreams and set back that I experienced Sunday night, I would have to say that this weekend was mellow, yet interesting to say the least.

Got a surprise package before I left work on Friday from a friend of mine. You have no idea how exciting it was to receive such a small token of friendship. It was totally and completely unexpected and it made my day - no it made my weekend. Its funny how something so small can mean so much. The person who sent this to me reads this blog and he knows who he is. Thanks again for the package, it really meant a lot.

On with our story:Trixie and I are truly good sports, especially when it comes to our illness. Because of course now she's just as sick as I am - did that stop us from having at least ONE adventure all weekend? I think not.

Friday night we were invited to see a band play down in Hoboken. For those of you who are not from this area, Hoboken is a little city/town just over the river from New York City. Its a very yuppie, upper class town for all the wanna be New Yorkers, but at night it becomes infested with bar and club goers. It contains every type of bar, club and restaurant for just about any type of person, so of course it is someplace that I like to frequent. Its a playground for adults who like to booze. Nice.

Trixie and I arrived early, coughing, sneezing, snot gurgling, you name it, we had it. Into the local pharmacy we went, where we indulged in cold medicine and lozenges. How did we know that coughing and sneezing would actually attract the men and not repel them? Seriously, I had more guys wish me well Friday night, than any other night out. - A new hook? Nah. Go figure though.

But we weren't there to meet boys, for the first time in a long time, we were there to hang out and have a good time listening to good music. The night progressed as planned and then low and behold, the bat phone rang and sure enough it was B. Good ol' B said that he would be joining us soon enough because he hadn't gone down the shore. Sweet. My night was getting even better - I had Trixie, my co-worker, good music and B - what else could a girl ask for?

Well.

Sure enough Trixie and I said that we wouldn't close the place. Sure enough we said that we wouldn't drink "that much" - but in true Mer fashion I did not heed any of these disciplines, instead I indulged and indulge I did. Not only did I wind up drunker than drunk, B and I shared our first kiss.

Gazookes!!! The minute he walked in the door, the tension between us was already there. If you'll remember from this post http://findingmer.blogspot.com/2005/06/its-about-b.html - its been there, but I, and I'm sure him, never really wanted to act upon it. But it happened nonetheless.

I followed his lead with the flirting. Ok, wait I should take a step back - I always flirt with him, but its always as a tease, its always fun, I never thought in a million years anything would actually happen! I mean, this is B we're talking about here! Geez.... But this time he flirted with me. Was it always there? I mean did he always want to kiss me or was it the beer balls? I mean holy toledo cowboy! He kept saying he was going to kiss me and I kept blowing it off, yet kind of feeding into it:

Drunk and dancing...B: "You soooo want to make out with me."Me: "No. YOU. Want to make out with ME!"B: "What's so bad 'bout that?"Me: "B! You would feel so awkward. Right? Come Monday?"B: "Yeh I would. But still...."

So I blew it off, but every time we spoke he looked at my lips. I called his bluff. I turned to Trixie and told her, "He keeps making like he's going to kiss me. That's it, I'm calling his bluff. It's on now!"

And well, that's how it happened. It just happened. Was it good? Uh yes. I will give him that much. He's a good kisser (what's up with this string of good kissers - HOT DAMN!). We kissed like 4 times throughout the night.

Now I'm left kind of in the middle. We'll never date. We'll never take it any further than that. If anything, I won't hear from him until I approach him by either calling him, emailing him or stopping by his office. Not one to procrastinate, I'll stop by his office. Why? Why would I want to make him or myself uncomfortable? Because B means a lot to me and I dont' want any uncomfortable middle ground gray area to last too long. I know him too well and that's the best thing to do. Tell him that it was nice and reiterate the fact that we were incredibly drunk. I'll feel him out and see how the conversation goes. I know we'll be cool, but still, I'm a little. tiny. bit. unnerved.

Just as I had expected, its all good between B and myself. I stopped by his office and we shared our normal laughs. No tension. If anything it was even less tense than before. I told him that it was inevitable and he agreed, but now that its over with, that's it. No awkwardness, nothing is uncomfortable. Its all good in Mer's hood.

Thank god.

Did we open a can of worms? Doubt it. He's very low key and doesn't stress over these things. I'm learning not to - believe it or not, I've learned that from him. It is what it is and he's still my friend which is the most important thing. But I am learning very quickly that Billy Crystal in "When Harry Met Sally" was very right - men and women can't be friends. The sex thing always gets in the way. - I'd like to add that - its just a matter of how you handle it in the end.