ZOOKEEPER

Product placement in film is old news, though the trend is to give those products a place of increasing importance. Well, the new opus Zookeeper features its anchor product, TGIF’s, prominently in a way unseen since Mac and Me, in that the film itself is a vehicle for advertising. It does not have a purpose beyond this, apart from padding the time with some plot about a guy getting his groove back with the help of animals and bonking his head a lot. In that spirit, a review is pointless, so I submit a TGIF menu for your perusal.

Jack Daniels Hunk O Chicken – A chicken, cut down in its prime before it could realize its full potential, has been brutally slain, torn to pieces in a mechanical nightmare devoid of human compassion with no reflection on that animal’s place in this world, incinerated on a grill and casually left on a plate as though death had no further meaning, then covered in a sickly Jack Daniels reduction sauce as if to hide such terrible wrongdoing. With your choice of sides.

Chicken Fingers – slender pieces of chicken covered with several layers of breading such that only about 1/10 of the final product consists of poultry. Served with some dressing so you don’t notice the utter lack of taste, so enjoy your coke, you piece of shit.

Japanese shish kabobs – AHHAHAHHAHAHHAH you came to TGIF’s for Japanese food? Go fuck yourself. $10.95

Hanger steak – dry-aged prime cut Black Angus ribeye steak. Fire grilled to perfection served with mushrooms gently sauteed in butter, served with ketchup dipping sauce. No it isn’t Black Angus, and the quality is every bit the equal of this animal’s racing ability when it last lost miserably at Preakness.

Nachos – Tortilla chips covered with whatever we could fish out of our grease traps. We don’t wash our hands.

Baby Back Ribs – full rack of pork ribs, manhandled on the grill and rent asunder in Jack Daniels sauce (yes), and then roasted in the trunk of our assistant manager’s car on a hot day, and then doused in more of that sweet Jack Daniels sauce, because nothing screams top shelf meat like obscuring any taste of it with flavored ketchup. Because people love that shit, and we have barrels of it.

New York Style Cheesecake – made in New York and shipped via priority mail in a box that has been mostly taped shut. This is also how we get our burgers. Mailed In N Out burgers work better than you may realize.

Kids menu – just order off the adult menu, and we’ll put some crayons in with the fries. Christ’s sake, just get a babysitter. TGIF’s is a bar, and you are a terrible parent.

Catch Zookeeper in theaters now and pay for the privilege of a TGIF’s ad! Yes, we do think you are that fucking stupid!