Most men reading this article must be grumbling, "Wish I had that problem."

But big cocks are more of a curse than a blessing, because they aren't what ladies want. The dude previously known as The World's Largest Penis, Jonah Falcon, 13.5 inches erect, had always struggled to maintain a girlfriend and still lived at home with his mom when he was in his 30s.

Cabrera feels as though he can't experience marital conjugal bliss — unless he gets married to a horse, and his best hope, he's suggested in interviews, is to find the woman with the World's Largest Vagina, a woman with a cooch like a cave, like an airplane hangar, like your mom's.

Cabrera has hope.

"I know in the U.S. there is a lot of women. One of them will be the right size for me," he told the Daily Mail.

We reached out to Cabrera several times to hear his thoughts, and see if we could help guide him toward a new gaping-vag girlfriend. He didn't respond.

[From Cabrera's Facebook page.]

So we were left to search for his deep-coochied Cinderella on our own.

There was a glimmer of hope in a number of videos which show women with vaginas as big as microwaves, where men stick their legs and heads in, but many look fake.

A few women publicly admit to having big vagines. We reached out to a couple — they didn't get back. Some shady websites say you can tell the shape of a vagina by the shape of certain facial features, but there's no evidence for that, and we didn't want accusations of sexual harassment for asking women with skinny eyelids if they also have large vaginas.

So you'd think she'd agree with Cabrera, that his best bet in life is to freak it with his equal, the way Hagrid could really only get off with Olympe Maxime. Perhaps Yao Defen, the tallest woman in the world, at 7-foot-8, is more Cabrera's speed.

Nope. Saint Thomas thinks Cabrera is way off.

"I've found sex can be equally enjoyable with people with all different sizes of genitals," Saint Thomas says, via email. "It's not what you have but how you use them!"

A big-dick dude might need his girl to be "very warmed up," Schmit tells us. It goes the other way, too. A woman "with a very large vagina may prefer a partner with a larger penis or additional objects to be included."

But she has problems with the basic idea.

"I don't believe, A) sex is foremost about genitals fitting together or that, B) sexual satisfaction is highly correlated to genital shape/size. Vaginas, in general, are potential space: they expand and contract to accommodate a variety of things," Schmit adds.

So where does that leave us with Cabrera? We messaged him again and told him the good news: that the sexperts told us that he'd be fine with a smaller woman, that sex isn't so much about size, that there's all kinds of ways to have sex besides thrusting, and asked if that gave him hope.

He didn't respond, presumably because his cock was covering up his keyboard.

Actually, it's strange that he didn't respond, since he has no job, lives with his brothers, has no friends and is shunned within his community.

But you get the feeling, reading about Cabrera, that his social isolation is for reasons other than having a big dick. After all, he used to live in the U.S. — which he regards as a paradise of open-pit vaginas — before he was kicked out of the country. But he wasn't kicked out because his dick was too big for this country, he was kicked out for indecent exposure.

Because — would you like to know how he got a dong so long? Gift of the gods? Deal with the devil? Super plastic surgery? No. A fiendish desire — and "jelqing."

"Jelqing" is apparently the art of lengthening your member by squeezing and stretching your dick, sometimes with your hands, sometimes with weights. Companies specialize in this.

Cabrera spent years hanging weights from his dick to enlarge it. So his cock is all mangly and distended. That's a lot of why girls think he's weird and they won't screw him.

He won't accept help. Not my offer of setting him up with a deep girl. Not the offers from generous strangers — and there are many — for free penile reduction surgery.

So it doesn't have to do with size at all. It's the fact that he spent his whole life by himself hanging weights from his genitals. You play with your own dick too much, nobody else wants to play with it. Thankfully, if he's mad at himself for wasting his life, he can literally whack himself in his own forehead with his own dick.