Monday, May 30, 2016

Mixed Meters Predicts The 2016 Election

Warning - if you don't like the F-word permanently incorporated into the presumed Republican candidate's name you might want to start your own blog.

Mixed Meters has a short history of predicting the political silly season. I'm always wrong. That won't stop me from trying again.

With their combined negative polling near 100%, the general election between Hillary and Donald Fucking Trump will be the most negative ever. As Election Day approaches all advertising will be negative and none of it will be accurate. On CNN Reince Preibus will claim that lying is perfectly acceptable in Presidential elections. No one will contradict him.

Both vice-president candidates will be white, male, Protestant politicians almost unknown outside their home state. In fact both will be from the same state or maybe adjacent states. Both will make Dan Quayle look over-qualified.

There will be campaign violence - lots of it - much more than 1968. Baton-wielding cops will fire tear gas at Occupy Wall Street and at Black Lives Matter. Someone who appears to be transgender (but isn't) will be beaten up while trying to take a shit.

Expect at least one fatality during this election cycle - some innocent person will die during a protest.

At the conventions both parties will have ugly platform fights: Republicans will obsess over gay wedding cakes and Democrats will argue about Israeli fascists.

At one point, everyone in the media - nutcases and reasonable pundits alike (although I admit it's sometimes hard to tell them apart) - will start to agree on some one thing. No, I don't know what it will be. This common wisdom will emerge the same way everyone said that Donald Fucking Trump would never get nominated. Once again everyone will be proven wrong.

Something Ted Nugent says will lead the news cycle for several days. Also Jorge Ramos.

Donald Fucking Trump will turn his campaign into a reality television show with behind the scenes cameras following his every move and showing off-the-cuff exchanges with his supporters. A nightly broadcast hosted by Sarah Palin and Ben Carson. Donald Fucking Trump will claim he is winning because the show gets high ratings.

Donald Fucking Trump, trying not to sound like a bigot, will simply allow the Democratic campaign advertising to remind his vile racist followers that he too is a vile racist. In spite of this he will accidentally keep insulting women and minorities almost every time he speaks. His supporters will love him all the more for it.

Hillary will deny ever changing her political positions but then abandon her recent pivot to the political right when she eventually realizes that she needs Bernie Sanders' help. Therefore, late in the campaign, she will desperately re-pivot to the left, talking incessantly about free college tuition. (It is too much to hope that "re-pivot" will become a generally known term.)Conflicts in Syria, Libya and Iraq will drop out of the news because ISIS leaders will be afraid of affecting the U.S. elections. Kim Jong-un, however, will keep launching satellites and missiles and saying provocative things leading Donald Fucking Trump to display a large prop red button which he will symbolically press to show his willingness to launch missiles at North Korea. He will offer to travel to Russia during the campaign. When Putin politely declines, he will offer to travel to Israel. Sheldon Adelson will politely decline.

The October Surprise: Someone will discover sex tapes for both Donald Fucking Trump and Hillary Clinton. Except Hillary's will be a fake edited by James O'Keefe. The size of Donald Fucking Trump's penis will not be revealed in the video. Donald Fucking Trump's hairdresser, however, will tell all in a TMZ interview.

Donald Fucking Trump will talk incessantly about Bill Clinton's sex life, comparing him repeatedly to Anthony Weiner. In the final Presidential debate Donald Fucking Trump will tell Hillary that no woman could ever be qualified to be President and her too-polite response will cause a drop in her poll numbers.

Donald Fucking Trump will finally release one year of tax returns less than a week before election day. His true net worth will be pegged at two billion, his income about $100 million, his tax rate at less that 5% and he gives virtually nothing to any charity except Planned Parenthood.

So, who will win . . .

The final result will be very close - there will be no big sweeps or political mandates in 2016. It's going to be a nail-biter.If Donald Fucking Trump finds his A game by:

figuring out how to act Presidential while constantly demeaning the Clintons,

using social media creatively and

managing to not say anything really really stupid

and Hillary turns in a lackluster performance by:

not getting her supporters excited,

getting indicted for email,

raising obscene amounts of money from big banks and criminal felons and

acting like a restrained, thoughtful, conventional boring politician

then Donald Fucking Trump will be our next president.

Electing Donald Fucking Trump as president would be very bad. He is a spoiled rich kid for whom the word affluenza fits perfectly. I passionately want Donald Fucking Trump to lose. He is the most worst candidate, so bad that even Hillary is a far better choice.

You can take very little solace in the fact that I'm always wrong about these things. Maybe the fear that he actually can win will motivate all of us to go out there and make sure he loses.

1 comment
:

Anonymous
said...

I read your excellent post and would have laughed many times, had you not scared me. I am now hiding under the bed with several months' worth of Trader Joe snacks, only to emerge early and often on Voting Day to vote for Hillary, mainly because that is the best strategy to do the most important thing, which is to defeat Trump.

You and I were friends in the Old Days, but I post anonymously, Just In Case the People's Choice turns out to be fascism. I recently read Roth's Plot Against America, on this subject. I 'enjoyed' it.)