I'm an award-winning suspense novelist, but in my free time I love to review books and my fave TV show Hawaii Five-O, as well as pass along great book deals, and eat Canadian chocolate---not necessarily in that order.

Pages

Friday, October 5, 2012

First Page Friday

So excited it's Friday because then we get another installment of First Page Friday! If you would like your first page critiqued, please submit your double-spaced 12 point font first page to juliecoulterbellon@gmail.com. We have two spots in November left.

As always, thank you to Ms. Shreditor and to M.R. Buttars for submitting. I really enjoyed this piece. See you next week!The EntryThe Markby M.R. Buttars

Twelve-year-old Keera Shanksy sat staring out at the
clear April sky above her. Her teacher’s droning voice faded further in the
background as her thoughts lifted her above the uncomfortable desk and out the
dirty, glass window. She soared through
the clouds, thrilling in the feel of their cool touch brushing against her
skin. Surrounded by the azure sky, she breathed the crisp scent of freedom. She
flew through the rays of sunlight that danced around her as the wind whispered
in her ears.

She, the most powerful Lithian in the Universe, could
fly to the stars if she wished. In the distance she caught the faint outline of
the moon that was always present, even in the glaring light of the sun. She
could almost hear its silvery voice shimmering across her mind and skin. She
reached for it, hungry to answer the call she felt deep within. Her fingertips
stretched forth and. . .

“KEERA!”

Her thoughts plummeted, with a sickening thud, back to
harsh reality where she, a completely powerless Lithian, was in danger of
flunking her Creatures of the Universe class. Not again, she thought
with a small groan.

Bracing herself mentally, she met her teacher’s stern scowl. Ms. Peters loomed over
her like a large bird of prey that had just spotted a particularly tasty morsel.
Keera tried to swallow the lump in her throat and think what Ms. Peters had
been asking.

It had something to do with some sort of magical
creature, obviously. Desperately,
Keera glanced down at her large textbook, latching onto a picture on the cover.
A large ball of fur stared up at her with wide, innocent topaz eyes. Of course! She remembered
discussing moogleloofs.

Ms. Shreditor's Comments

This was a really whimsical piece. What really struck me
about it was the wealth of sensory imagery. In the first paragraph alone, the
author evokes sight, sound, smell, and touch. We smell the “crisp scent of freedom”;
we feel the cool touch of the clouds against her skin; we hear the wind
whispering in her ear. This highlights the all-important distinction between
showing and telling. If the author had just told us that Keera was daydreaming
in class, the scene might have felt generic. But this author makes it vivid
with by touching upon multiple senses.

I’ve written often about the importance of narrative
momentum. A story needs to hit the ground running from the first sentence, and
if it stops to ruminate on extraneous details, it will never get off the
ground. In this story, there is immediate momentum. In fact, thanks to her
vivid imagination, Keera gets off the ground immediately as her thoughts lift
her above her desk and out the classroom window. This physical (or imaginary, to
be more accurate) movement in the story keeps the reader moving.

I love how Keera’s self-image is so different in her dream
world and in reality. When she’s flying through the clouds, she’s “the most powerful
Lithian in the Universe.” When she’s being chastised by her teacher, she’s “a
completely powerless Lithian.” This juxtaposition is really effective.

I do have a few comments regarding technical elements. In
the fourth paragraph, Keera’s thoughts plummet “with a sickening thud.” The
verb “plummet” denotes fast downward movement. We need another verb make actual
impact (i.e., create the thud). Something like “Her thoughts plummeted and
landed with a sickening thud...” might do the trick.

Inner thoughts are tough to execute in a story. In most
cases, you want to express these in the first-person present. So Keera’s
italicized thought in the last paragraph would read, “It has something to do
with some sort of magical creature, obviously.” There may even be a way to
rewrite it as third-person narration instead of as inner dialogue.

Lastly, be careful with nomenclature when writing a fantasy story.
Names in this genre tend to be offbeat to enhance the magical feel, but it’s
very easy to get carried away. I really like the name “Lithian.” However, when
I first read “moogleloofs,” I was immediately reminded of “muggles” and “Hufflepuffs”
in Harry Potter.

Otherwise, there’s not much I can pick apart here. The
writing is generally clean and flows nicely. This one feels just about ready to
me.

2 comments:

I always admire a writer who can bring in other senses into their writing. It gives me a 3-D view of their character and scene. I've had dreams about being able to fly, only I'm afraid of heights--even in my dreams, and I start crashing. I'd never get as high as the clouds or be able to know, or even imagine what they would feel like against my skin. I guess I'll just read about it instead.

Writing fantasy must be difficult, especially having to make up imaginary names. I have a hard enough time coming up with real names for my characters. :)

I really liked this opener. I was interested to read Ms. Shreditor's comments about how to deal with internal dialogue. I've wondered exactly how to handle that several times! It seems obvious now, but it had never really occurred to me to try and put it into 3rd person.

I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com

Canadian Spy Series #3

Military Doctors Series #1 (LDS)

Military Doctors Series #2 (LDS)

Book 3 Spinoff of Dangerous Connections (National)

Hostage Negotiation Series #4

Copyright Notice

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this blog material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Julie Coulter Bellon and LDSWriterMom.blogspot.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Review Disclaimer

Sometimes I am given ARCs and free books in exchange for a review. This fact does not affect my opinion of the book.