Achievable New Year's Resolutions

I don't like to be disappointed, and I especially don't like to disappoint myself, because that severely limits the blame game to yourself only. And it's much more fun and destructive to blame your parents (a cold father, a smothering mother) for your personal failures in the craps' game of life. Snake eyes, instead of Seven Eleven. Or, as they say, Sheetz happens. ( Note to self. Gotta stop going to the Hollywood Casino. All I ever do is lose and eat. Eat and lose.) Which is why I don't set goals for myself. And a New Year's resolution is a goal that invariably you won't make over a year's time, unless you make them more achievable. Here are some resolutions that I plan to keep.

Stop smoking by starting to smoke with one cigarette, bummed off a smoking friend; then stop, go cold turkey and brag about it all year. Especially to friends who can't quit smoking, yet try over and over again.

Make a resolution to gain weight. And if you don't, celebrate yourself. And if you happen to lose weight accidentally, act disappointed around your friends who are seriously trying to lose and can't.

Resolve to get another year older and deeper in debt. Sounds like a winner to me. And the credit card companies and AARP will love you for it by sending you a landfill's worth of junk mail.

Resolve to make chocolate your bestest friend, instead of just a companion on this life's journey we Chocaholics call the Hershey highway. Chocolate will never let you down, call you too fat and can be bought. That's the kind of friend, or spouse even, that's worth having, rather than people who are so contrary and prickly.

Resolve to pet your pets. That are so petable and needy, except for cats and snakes, who could care less. Which leaves dogs, I guess.

Resolve to increase your carbon footprint, whatever that is. Hey, it's your way of making a mark on the world.

Resolve to go to more movies, because movie stars need the bail and rehab money. And it may be the only way to see pretty people having more fun than you'll ever have, even when they're villains. And more bad Jennifer Aniston romantic comedies. If only she could make more than one a year. Which leaves more beautiful women to fall in love with that adolescent jerk Adam Sandler in his movies. “Jack and Jill” fell down the hill this time with his latest flick though

Eat more fruits and vegetables like Fruit Loops cereal and Corn Puffs as a symbolic gesture, at least, to healthy eating.

Resolve to exercise more by putting dead batteries in your remote which will make you walk to the TV to change channels. Or not. I'm guessing you have a pack of spare AA or AAA batteries on hand for just such an emergency, like me. So this resolution may be unrealistic for us couch potatoes, but I threw it in here to satisfy the Fitness Centers in your area.

Resolve to be nicer to your parents, especially if they're dead, by stopping to run them down, when they can't nag you anymore. Even if your dad left your family really early in your childhood, he was there for conception. You could try to be nicer to them while they're still alive, so you don't feel too guilty at the way you ignored them as soon as you left home. It's just a thought. Unresolved anger could make you lose or gain weight, depending on your individual neuroses. So if it's better than a membership at the gym, carry that parental grudge to the grave. You'll make a thin corpse at your funeral and all your friends will say how great you look, even if the rouge is overdone

Resolve to treat yourself better. If you don't, no one else will. A happy self is a better self. By the way, this is the way Madison Avenue gets you to buy a new car. Don't you want a new car? Of course you do, just look at all the happy cool people driving them in all those car commercials. You can drive your new car to pick up your brand new living room suite at Wolf's, which has a sale every single day according to their incessant sales' commercials. If you ever buy something that's not on sale at Wolf's Furniture, then you're either blind, deaf and dumb or you got a salesman who used to work on Wall Street.

May your New Year be OK and your resolutions achievable. I'm not gonna put too much pressure on you to like, have a great day, or anything. Ta ta.

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