John Travolta attached to a Toxic Avenger remake. Wait, what?

Look, man, I just report it. According to a listing on industry site It’s On the Grid, Steve Pink and producers Akiva Goldsman and Lloyd Kaufman are producing a remake of The Toxic Avenger starring John Travolta. Deadline first reported Pink was directing the remake back in 2010.

This is the story of Melvin, the Tromaville Health Club mop boy, who inadvertently and naively trusts the hedonistic, contemptuous and vain health club members, to the point of accidentally ending up in a vat of toxic waste. The devastating results then have a transmogrification effect, his alter ego is released, and the Toxic Avenger is born, to deadly and comical results. [BloodyDisgusting]

And who better, I ask, to play a 98-pound mop boy than a 58-year-old who looks like this:

Though I suppose he does have some experience with health clubs. ZING! (timely). And I guess that technically, the listing doesn’t say that Travolta would be playing the lead, but he’s the only actor listed, so who else would it be? Oh, but it gets worse…

Action-comedy remake in the vein of THE MASK… [?? -Ed.] he’s an environmental superhero…doesn’t want it to be campy…

That’s right, “doesn’t want it to be campy.” A non-campy Toxic Avenger is sort of like a non-comedic Naked Gun, isn’t it? And what does a non-comedic Naked Gun look like? Law and Order? So yeah, if this listing is to be believed, Steve Pink is looking to make a non-campy Toxic Avenger starring John Travolta in the vein of The Mask. That sounds out there even for a mad lib.

They should cast Topher Grace as The Toxic Avenger. I’m sure he can bulk up to 98 lbs. in time to start filming, plus this will allow him to efficiently destroy the value of most things I liked growing up (Venom, The Toxic Avenger & Laura Prepon)

Not gonna lie, I saw the musical rendition of Toxic Avenger in Houston (before they succeeded in getting a theater on Broadway) starring that kid from American Idol/Rock of Ages and KIETH FUCKING STONE.