Sunday, February 10, 2013

I'm admitting this now because I'm sure that this would have all be made public in time anyway. After all, my name is on a spreadsheet somewhere in the back office of a Seattle office building. And there have been emails, free samples, and even punch cards. Plus, I'm sure I have been spotted in some rather conspicuous locations around the city, getting my fix. People would have started putting 2 and 2 together soon enough.

My hope though, is that the stigma of using these PED's won't be long lasting. That people will actually understand that when it comes to being a great at this game, it's better to be free of aches and pains - and also alert, than to drop the ball when everything is on the line!

It wasn't always this way though. After a long career in the minors, I was just a couple of months shy of 40 when I finally made it to The Show. I was certainly excited to be here, but also a bit nervous about what I was about to face on a daily basis. After all, I had heard countless stories of how difficult the big leagues could be. "You may think you know what you'll face in the coming months....but you can never adequately prepare yourself for the kind of stuff some of these kids will throw at you." a common one went.

Looking back now, I'll be the first to admit they were absolutely right.

Fresh out of camp back then I started with a hot streak, hitting on all cylinders. Things seemed to come naturally to me, and I thought to myself "THIS. This is what I was worried about?"

But then day 2 arrived......and I quickly realized I was facing some REAL big league challenges. Challenges that my natural abilities, now diminished by the relentless plodding of time, couldn't help me overcome on their own.

That's when I started taking these Parent Enhancing Drugs in increased doses . So I could survive in this show. No, I wasn't proud of my actions, but I knew it was a far superior alternative to failing miserably in a crucial game situation.

And now, nearly 6 years later, thanks to these 'supplements' I have survived and am still in the big leagues. But once again I'm facing many of the same challenges I did back when I broke in. And, as a result, at the seasoned age of 45 I have started juicing and popping the pills in larger doses than ever. Of course, I wish I didn't have to rely on these aides, but let's face it - it's a young man's game.

And I will do what ever it takes to stay on top of it.

Daily juicing - a necessity for this Dad!

Detectable in a urine sample?

My hope is that when my career is finally over, and it's time for people such as yourselves to vote deserving dads into the Parenting Hall of Fame, they will find it in their hearts to overlook my use of such performance aides and vote for me solely on my merits as a dad. Yes, that is my hope.

Thank you for hearing me out. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to make myself a fresh pot of enhanced parenting.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Lukas came home from Kindergarten a couple of days ago with his winter coat literally covered in mud. His clothes were clean, indicating that he'd changed them, but his shoes were also caked with drying mud.

Mrs. LIAYF and I had suspected that he was playing on the hill behind the school, which during this time of year can become a rather muddy mess. But we didn't really question him about it. In all likelihood at the time we were too busy dealing with getting Annabelle ready for bed to even care about details.

Do you remember when your kids were infants? If so, then you understand what I mean. The needs of a screaming baby always trump pretty much anything else competing for your attention. And babies tend to scream the most right before bedtime. It's like they know something.

But, back to the mud story. Lukas' school is not the kind you would find in your typical kindergarten program. It's a wonderful school with top notch teachers and the approach has been terrific for our son, but it's kind of....how would I describe it....crunchy. Yeah, crunchy. In fact, it has a garden, and chickens, and turtles, and a bunny.

And a couple of goats.

Goats as in the 4 legged, bleating, smallish farm animals that eat just about anything they get their mouths around, including all the vines and shrubs off of a hillside behind a school - leaving it a muddy mess in the middle of the rainy season - kind of goats.

Yeah, the goats have cleared said hillside, making it into a winter slip-n-slide for adventuresome youth with some spare energy to burn (read: 5-7 year old boys).

So, Lukas was using the hill as a kind of Great Wolf Lodge of Mud? Mrs. LIAYF finally got around to asking him about his muddy clothes a couple of days later. "No, that's not what happened" was his response. "Then what did?"

"Well......" he started. "Yes?" Mrs. LIAYF prompted him. "Well, I tried to ride the goat but I fell over the front and just slid down the hill!!" "I see" his mother responded looking serious, but later admitting to me that she was trying to stifle her inner laughter.

"I shouldn't have" he continued, obviously having had a discussion with one of the teachers, "Because I could have broke it's back or something. And it probably doesn't want me trying to ride it." "And, it's the one I like the most too!" He said this with his arms out to his sides, palms up and his typical smile, so infectious that it's nearly impossible to be upset with him. Of course, she reiterated to him the reasons this was a bad decision.

When I was told of this goat riding adventure, my first thought was of the Omak Suicide Race, but with a chain like fence at the bottom, instead of a river to cross. With that in mind, I suppose it's a good thing he didn't even make it fully onto the goats back.

I was also informed that, as an apology to the goat, Lukas was going to bring in some apples for it to eat the next day. We decided that would be an appropriate gesture of apology to his 4 legged friend.