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Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Spring Query Extravaganza #5

It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen near the end of the month.

Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.Now to the fine print:All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.As sent to me:

Dear Agent:

Years of living in the sewers beneath Elite City have hardened seventeen-year-old Sylvia to all manner of creepy-crawlies. She never really got used to the giant, flesh-eating bugs, though.

The sewers are the only place safe from the Cull, nocturnal bugs that wander the overgrown city streets above. During the day Syl scavenges for food among the abandoned skyscrapers, but at night the Cull come out looking for a meal of their own. She thought gene splicing died with the war a century ago, disappeared with the scientists and their rusted machinery. She thought the bugs could be exterminated, the city rebuilt and the population replenished. She was wrong.

Whoever engineered the Cull isn't done playing God. Syl is abducted and tortured in horrific experiments that result in her DNA being spliced, slowly turning her into one of the bugs. Now she must find a cure and stop the person who violated her body before every remaining man, woman, and child is transformed into the abomination they fear.

SPLICED is a 65,000 word YA science fiction novel. It is a standalone with series potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

With my crazy comments:

Dear Agent: Just right! :-) Starting off easy.

Years of living in the sewers beneath Elite City have hardened seventeen-year-old Sylvia to all manner of creepy-crawlies. Interesting. Immediately I'm wondering why she lives there. But that's a good kind of question. It's curiosity. She never really got used to the giant, flesh-eating bugs, though. Was hoping for something with a little more punch. This is subjective, but I've never been a big fan of tacking on 'though.' And I'd define 'giant' with something comparable. Tank-sized, flesh-eating bugs hunting her day and night--not so much.

The sewers are the only place safe from the Cull, nocturnal bugs that wander the overgrown and abandoned city streets above. Ah. So that's why. I'd probably get in that the city is abandoned earlier. During the day Syl scavenges for food among the abandoned (empty, derelict, unsafe) skyscrapers, but at night the Cull come out looking for a meal of their own. SheSyl thought gene splicing died with the war a century ago, disappeared with the scientists and their rusted machinery. She thought(This seems more of a hope.) the bugs could be exterminated, the city rebuilt and the population replenished. She was wrong.(Consider cutting this last sentence and letting us form our own conclusions. I know you're going for voice, however this is a bad form of telling. Just add 'But' down below.

Or another possibility would be to say something like nobody is stepping up to take on that task. That would allow you to get in more world building to detail what their technology is like now.)

Whoever engineered the Cull isn't done playing God. Syl is abducted and tortured in horrific experiments that result in her DNA being spliced, slowly turning her into one of the bugs.(And you hit us with a twist! Increasing the stakes.) Now she must find a cure and stop the person who violated her body before every remaining man, woman, and child is transformed into the abomination they fear. (A picky point but 'they fear' could be interpreted as head jumping. I'd consider 'man, woman, and child is transformed into fearsome abominations.' You got an intense set of stakes defined.)

SPLICED is a 65,000 word YA science fiction novel(It has the hallmarks of a dystopian. Heavy sigh because dystopian is such a hard sell nowadays.). It is a standalone with series potential. (Maybe a short sentence about yourself.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, (Same with this closing as the other critiques. It's not really needed if you have the thanks above. Your call.)

This query sets out the plot and stakes quite clearly. The sentences connect really well, flowing from one to the next in a neat progression. The 3rd paragraph rackets up the tension. There's not a whole lot of Syl's personality being displayed here, so be sure it's in the opening pages. A strong query. Most of my comments are subjective and should be taken as such.

14 comments:

(I'm trying to comment before reading other comments, so there might be repetition here.)Shivers creeping down my back after reading your query. If that is an intended effect, it works. :-)What stopped me for a moment was when you switched from Sylvia to Syl. I'd recommend sticking with her full name.In the second paragraph, the switch from introducing the Cull to gene splicing feels a bit abrupt. Something's missing but I can't say exactly what.I really like the second part of that paragraph: "She thought... She thought... She was wrong."Maybe start a new paragraph before the first "She thought..." and add the sentence "Whoever engineered the Cull..." to that new paragraph and again a new paragraph from "Syl[via] is abducted"? Just an idea.Hope any of this is helpful. Good luck!

Sylvia is actually called Syl throughout the novel. I was told that I should let the reader know right away that she's female, so I introduce her as Sylvia. I can see how that's confusing! I will make some adjustments. Thanks!

Wow! This query has excellent stakes and I love the concept. Great job! My suggestions are just tiny things. The first and second sentence seem contradictory to me. You say, "Years of living in the sewers beneath Elite City have hardened seventeen-year-old Sylvia to all manner of creepy-crawlies." All manner means any type of bug, at least that's how I read it. Then in the next sentence you say, "She never really got used to the giant, flesh-eating bugs, though." Which is a type of bug--assuming I'm understanding the concept. I'd consider changing all manner to "most" or deleting it all together. And I agree with Michelle that this concept seems dystopian rather than sci-fi. Unless, of course, Elite City is on another planet. If so, Sci fi is the right genre. So long story short, you've got a great query here! I would absolutely read this story. Good luck to you!

I've seen this query before, and I can say it has improved a great deal. I really like the way the stakes make more sense now. I totally agree with Michelle's comments, though I think the dystopian bit could be shown to be a bit more something else (you'll have to really work hard to keep it from being pigeon-holed in the dystopian sub-set).

Ooh, I'm in! I get the sci-fi angle here. Especially if the story is centered around the experiments and the gene splicing, which I'm guessing it is given the title. But it has that gritty, dystopian feel to it, which is a nice bonus.

I'm with Michelle on the 1st paragraph. It feels like it wants to deliver more than it does. The rest of it is great, and I'm sure if you play with those first couple of sentences a little more, you'll come up with something amazing.

Thanks! Yes, I considered it sci-fi because of the genetic experimentation and some other elements that I didn't introduce into the query...but reading these comments I'm thinking I should just so that the clear differentiation between sci-fi and dystopian is there. Thanks again for your comments! :)

Ooh, great concept. I love the hook and I feel it brings in character and setting well.'During the day' followed by a comma? I naturally take a sentence break there, so I'd personally put a comment before her name. The introduction of the gene-splicing startled me. It felt too sudden. Maybe mention that someone is engineering the Cull first there. Or you could say at their introduction that they're not genetically pure (or an equivalent, of course).I'm not sure of the use of 'playing God'. Do they have gods in their world and do they use the phrase? Personal preference, though. Michelle's comments are pretty spot on.

Great final line! Overall, I'm just being picky. I felt that this is a strong query.

I try to do this before I read Michelle and other's comments. So here are my reactions! Hope they help ... and I don't have nightmares about bugs!

Dear Agent:

Years of living in the sewers beneath Elite City have hardened seventeen-year-old Sylvia to all manner of creepy-crawlies. [[Eeww, that’s very visceral – but interesting.]] She never really got used to the giant, flesh-eating bugs, though. [[What? Oh gosh!]]

The sewers are the only place safe from the Cull, nocturnal bugs that wander the overgrown city streets above. [[Okay, so there are flesh eating bugs in the sewers and nocturnal bugs above? Are they the same bugs? I’m thinking so. But it does sound like they’re different.]] During the day Syl scavenges for food among the abandoned skyscrapers, but at night the Cull come out looking for a meal of their own. [[NOT GOOD]] She thought gene splicing died with the war a century ago, disappeared with the scientists and their rusted machinery [[Where did this come from? I’m with the bugs, BELIEVE ME, but then there’s gene splicing? That’s a big jump.]] She thought the bugs could be exterminated, the city rebuilt and the population replenished. She was wrong. [[Did she try to do something that failed? I want Syl to be active instead of just thinking!]]

Whoever engineered the Cull isn't done playing God. Syl is abducted and tortured [[passive voice. Say who abducted and tortured her.]] in horrific experiments that result in her DNA being spliced, slowly turning her into one of the bugs. [[WHAT? I’m going to have nightmares.]] Now she must find a cure and stop the person who violated her body [[this sounds like rape; did you intend for that?]] before every remaining man, woman, and child is transformed into the abomination they fear. [[But she was the one who was spliced. Is there some sort of large attack on every remaining man, woman, and child being planned? If so, say so. Otherwise, I would think that it should be “before (the bad guys) splice other men, women, and children.”]]

SPLICED is a 65,000 word YA science fiction novel. It is a standalone with series potential. [[Nice. I like the bugs, as much as it creeps me out!]]

Wowza love the hook! I immediately want to know more about the flesh-eating bugs...but then they're not really addressed in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs (unless the nocturnal bugs are one and the same). If the human population's living in the sewers by day, then where are the Culls by day? If the Culls are nocturnal and only wander the overgrown streets at nighttime, would like to know where they spend their daytime (as it's safe for Syl to wander the streets during the day). Might want to hit it harder home that the Culls eat humans ("come out looking for a meal of their own"--I could only guess they were eating humans. I think busy agents scanning queries might get lost on the fact?).

Why is Syl the only one abducted? What makes her special? If the bugs are eating humans, and whoever engineered the Culls is turning humans into bugs, then won't the bugs be eating bugs in a few short months (as there won't be any humans left)?