Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Opening scene. View from door looking in to a small office. Door opens without seeing who opens it. Man in the room looks up from his desk.

Employee: ah, you must be my 10 o'clock. Welcome to countocorp.Customer: (In russian accent) thank you. (sits down in to shot to reveal classic 60's bond villain attire).E: sorry to keep you waiting, would you like a drink? Tea? Coffee?C: Ah, oh um coffee please.E: How about a biscuit? We have bourbons or ginger nutsC: (pauses and then speaks whilst raising eyebrow) I'll have (camera zooms in) ginger nuts.E: Ok, lovely. Now I understand that you would like one of countocorps talking clock packages for you office. Is it an office?C: Well....sort of. More of a.....bunker.E: Oh! lovely. And I understand that you would like some bespoke features. Normally we just to a (jesticulates) "at the beep the time will be..".C: Yes, that is of no use to me. I need it to count (another slow zoom in), down?E: Ok a countdown, lovely. Well we pride ourselves here on friendly voiced announcements of times and events over phones or tannoys.c: Friendly? hmm...I want something more monotonal, more backgroundish.E: I see.C: Yes, I was thinking more like "2 minutes to self destruction and counting".E: Ah, yes that brings me on to my other query. I've been looking through some of the statements you would like us to record for your business. (gets out list), lets see...yes.. warning...nuclear storage facility compramised.. and also danger...building self destruct in 30 seconds. What....business are you in?C: I am....in....zoos.E: ...zoos?C: Yes, I look after a zoo. Very dangerous zoo. For viruses.E: A....virus zoo.C: ...Yes. Very dangerous, needs self desctruct buttons.E: And sharks?C: Oh, yes, my precious sharks.E: And that's why you need the..(consults the sheet again)..."warning...stand clear of shark trap doors"C: mm...most important.E: Right, and as far as the countdown goes, would you like it to just say the warning once and then just say times?C: no,no,no. It must constantly repeat the same warning message along with the time left.E: And you aren't worried that this will become annoying and take up so much time that it makes it hard to know how much time you've got left?C: NoE: Even on this one? "10 minutes remain until nuclear spore thermo shield catastrophic failiure causing shuttle hull depressurisation"?C: Actually no, I rather like that one. And, well I'll never have to hear it.E: And why is that?C: Because this time, there is no way that I can fail!E: Right, so you've failed before?C: Yes but, this time will be different. This time I have armed guards posted around the nuclear spore thermo shield self destruct button.E: o...kay. Well, not for me to judge!C: ...whatE: No nothing. Well it just seems like .... no, nothing.C: GoodE: Now, payment, I understand that you would like to pay a deposit now.C: Yes, the rest will come from when my corporation receives a very large sum of money in a couple of weeks from the world's governments.E: For your zooC: Oh...yes...big donation. They really fea...respect my zoo.