Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Week Old ROH from 4/18

Well, I am still unemployed because God and Jesus Christ both hate me and want to see me suicide instead of becoming a working man, but luckily that means I have enough time to lay around unshaven and watch ROH on the internet. At least this time around I'm actually wearing pants.

Before I start this bullsquid (which you can watch here for yourself), I look at the upcoming ROH TV schedule and notice there are no Sara Del Ray matches for a month and a half, so I'm already pretty pissed off. Well it's starting now and I'm paying a little more attention now and I can tell that Prazak and Hogman aren't in an actual room but are indeed in front of a fake ass looking green screen image. It is sad that ROH cannot afford a real room with TV monitors inside of it.

JIMMY JACOBS vs. NECRO MOTHERFUCKING BUTCHER

I've never actually seen a Jimmy Jacobs match because I can't take this dude seriously. They say he's 172 lbs and even if that's his shoot weight, and I'm sure it's not, that is still a bullshit weight for a god damn wrestler. How did this guy get popular? Was he exclusively fighting children and women before coming to ROH? Please someone explain to me why anyone would want to watch this fucking guy wrestle?Necro Butcher is obviously one of the best wrestlers on earth and you should fucking know that already if you are reading a wrestling blog. Unfortunately, ROH does not believe in light tube matches, so we get a friendlier version of Necro Butcher wit a pwecious wittle staple gun and nothing else, and then the ref takes that away from him because wrestling is SERIOUS BUSINESS in ROH. If I ever go to ROH (Won't happen), I will try and start a SERIOUS BUSINESS chant, but I think there's one too many syllables to make that chant work.Necro Butcher isn't the biggest dude, but he still towers over the diminutive Jacobs. I bet Jacobs brings a bag lunch to ROH and it's bite sized Three Musketeers bars and a Lil SSips juice box.So after a while they are BRAAAAAWLIN' and Jacobs pulls out a plastic bag from his pants. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why would you have a plastic bag of all things hidden in your pants? Maybe that's what he carried his lunch in?So then after a few minutes Brodie Lee comes in on behalf of his elven friend Jimmy Jacobs on Necro wins by DQ aka, the most bullshit way to win a match. I guess this is how Jimmy Jacbos wins matches.

Now we are backstage with Tyler Durden who is interviewing Jimmy Albright, one of the many plain white boring faces of ROH. I AM DROWSY CLAP CLAP CLAP.

SAMI CALLIHAN vs. EDDIE KINGSTON

It is so obvious in his pre-match promo that Sami Callihan is a jobber but he's trying so hard not to be and it's so cute. Eddie Kingston is a dude who is wildly popular by indie wrestling standards, and I never understood why. He has a beer gut, and he looks like every single Puerto Rican dude I have ever known who is always telling you about how they have this "awesome" job at a warehouse for some Pharmaceutical distributor and they can hook you up with a job if you want it, but you really don't want it because you'd rather be jobless and starving than lift heavy ass boxes full of syringes and god knows what for 60 hours a week at ten dollars an hour ("but the overtime is worth it" they will say). Maybe indie wrestling fans don't know any real life Puerto Ricans? To me, Eddie Kingston is more or less my brother-in-law in kung fu pants and a spandex wifebeater.Well, Sami Callihan, who is wearing a really fruity singlet that rides up way too high in the thigh and dick area, gets in way too much offense and then Eddie Kingston makes him bleed FOR REAL somehow, and eventually ends up beating this scrub with a...discus punch....sort of....thing. What a great finisher!

Durden is backstage with Claudio Castagnoli, who is a wrestler I actually like, mainly because , you know, he LOOKS like a wrestler. Claudio is doubly funny because he is trying to be funny and his natural shitty euro accent makes him funny.

Oh great Hogman and the other toucher are "talking" to New ROH CHAMP Jerry Lynn "Via Satellite" and it's so hilarious because you can totally tell they aren't really talking to each other, like when Space Ghost interviewed people on his talk show. Jerry Lynn has been wrestling for something like 45 years, you would think he'd learn to talk a little somewhere in there.

BOBBY DEMPSEY vs. ORANGE CASSIDY

Bobby Dempsey looks like every fat kid you picked on in high school, or in some of our readers cases, Bobby Dempsey is the wrestler you can most relate to. Orange Cassidy is such a jobber that he doesn't even get the prerequisite intro nonsense. Dempsey beats him in like 9 seconds, and I'm not sure if they're trying to make Bobby Dempsey some type of Vader character or what's going on, but if they are, that's a pretty bad idea, because when I see Bobby Dempsey, all I think of are titty twisters and swirlies, not an unstoppable monster.

Then there's a segment called "buzzwords" with some guy called Erick Stevens and I will not even dignify this. That's about a minute of airtime they could have dedicated to Sara Del Ray highlights. Screwers.

CHEECH & CLOUDY vs. RHETT TITUS & KENNY KING

Cheech & Cloudy are so lame they don't even get real PRO-TIPS. They also come out to ska music. Cloudy is from the Jimmy Jacobs school of tiny wrestlers too. His head is barely above the top rope! Titus & King are some more jobbers trying really hard not to be jobbers. I can tell this match won't interest me since it's a battle to see which team are the better jobbers so I start playing with Twitter on my phone. After a few minutes I look up and Cloudy is ascending to the top rope, but Kenny King pushes his sorry ass off of it and Cloudy goes flying face first into the ringside barricade thing. Then they do a pretty dope springboard Blockbuster for the win and maybe these guys aren't jobbers after all.

MAIN EVENT: CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI vs. BRENT ALBRIGHT

Claudio uses a scrub as a step stool to enter the ring. The announcers don't Say shit about Brent Albright being related to Gary Albright, so I guess that's a coincidence, and I'm kind of bummed out. Gary Albright was awesome. Brent on the other hand, looks like a douche, but at least he looks like an actual wrestler. I can't believe this dude is the "good guy". He comes to the ring in a sleeveless leather trench coat. How can any self respecting human root for a man with such bad fashion sense? Bullshit aside, this match was pretty dope, again because both dudes were the size of normal wrestlers and no one looked like they'd have to be home when the street lights cut on. Unfortunately, Claudio wins with a roll up, just like how Jerry Lynn won in the main event last week (except this roll up was a lot less stupid) because I guess the whole gimmick of this ROH show is that they give you some nothing jobber matches and then the main event may consist of two guys who are exciting but you won't see an awesome finish because you need to go to an ROH show or buy an overpriced DVD to see the real shit. I'm never going to do those things so I don't know how much more of this show I can take if it's going to stick to straight jobber wrestle fights with no SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT in between. Especially if there isn't a healthy dose of Sara Del Ray to administer an adrenaline shot to my pants.

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In the days of ancient Rome men tried to best each other physically by imposing their will on one other. Sometimes this lead to the death of one of the competitors. Sometimes it lead to a friendship or brotherhood bond being formed. More often than not it ended with the two dudes fucking the shit out of each other. Faggotry and wrestling have long had a mutually parasitic relationship. Where faggotry is afoot wrestling cannot be far behind. Where there is wrestling you can rest assured that faggotry is nearby, jerking off furiously. This is the way it has always been and the way it shall always be. Though men have tried to change this dynamic throughout the ages they have all failed. Spandex, pyrotechnics, midgets, fake tits and sports entertainment cannot mask the overwhelming scent of gay that always accompanies wrestling. You can always be certain of these three things: The sun always rises in the morning, politicians always lie and wrestling will always be gay as fuck. We are merely observers; scribes charged with the duty of recording, analyzing and mocking this faggotry. These are our words.