And
so it comes to a head. Finally, the question of who is the bigger dick--Bush
or Saddam--will be determined once and for all. This is what we mean
by "measuring up" to the War on Terror. Speak softly, loudly
or not at all, but whatever you do, carry a Big Stick, preferably with
a 25,000-pound conventional warhead on the end of it.

Bush the Elder or Saddam the Insane: Who's the Biggest Dick?

Back
in '91, it was left largely undecided as to who wielded the bigger wiener:
Saddam the Insane or Bush the Elder. First, Saddam showed off his thuggish
cockiness by nation-raping Kuwait. Outraged to see another dipstick
horning in on his oil, George the First gathered an international coalition
of agitated nations, and then gangbanged that cocky Iraqi right out
of his poontang. That showed 'em who was the Biggest Dick, huh?

George I's polls
sagged when he pulled out of Iraq "prematurely"
--and ignored our limp economy to boot!

BUT
the American Commander-in-Chief, lacking what some called the "balls"
to finish the job, pulled out before the final climax. That is, Saddam
did not die the Little Death (le petit mort--ooh baby) or the
Big One either. Frustrating the hell out of George the Gangbang Leader,
Saddam survived and, though the Iraqi people were decimated by bombs
and sanctions, he prospered. In fact, in terms of sheer staying power
as his nation's head, Saddam outlasted his American rival by almost
a decade, ruling like a king with his long, hard scepter. Which brings
us to Bush Senior's Boy George chomping-at-the-bit like a stud-out-of-the-stable
to finish the job.

Will a Younger Bush
Dick Finish the Job Daddy Started?

This
dangerous dick-waving contest is, in my humble sex therapist's view,
at the heart of the reason why America now teeters on the brink of a
New War on Iraq. After all, what better reason is there?

The
reason given by the Great Pretzel Swallower himself is that Saddam has
some kind of Weapons of Mass Destruction (built from materials he obtained
from America in sunnier times). Probably he does, but so do a lot of
other national leaders, evil maniacs and former allies of the United
States. And just how much of this stuff does Saddam really have? If
his biological weapons stockpile is anything like his '91 scud collection,
it's pretty thin. Probably, if he ever actually showed those UN weapons
inspectors his whole secret stash, they would not be impressed. Saddam
strikes me as being the kind of guy who brags he's got nine inches,
then won't let you unzip his pants for fear you'll laugh at his actual
four and a half (and he'd have to kill you for that).

And
yes, Brothers and Sisters, Lovers and Sinners, there's no denying the
man is EVIL, your classic evil dictator. Like Bush the Younger, Saddam
was not elected to his office. Both are oilmen with reputations for
sadism. While Saddam is rumored to have jerked off watching videos of
his enemies being tortured to death, Bush is said to have ridden a bit
taller in his saddle every time a Death Row prisoner was executed while
he was governor of Texas. Saddam even supports the same terrorist group
(MKO) as Bush's own Ayatollah Asscraft. And, of course, both leaders
have been compared to Hitler; Bush by former German Justice Minister
Herta Daübler-Gmelin, Saddam by all the Bushes. Saddam's moustache
does bring him facially closer to the evil Adolf, while Bush's stature
makes him more Napoleonic (is that why the French won't join the gangbang
this time?).

Still,
why attack Iraq, killing and maiming all those Iraqis? Iraq hasn't attacked
anybody in over ten years. Everyone seems to agree that the alternative
to Saddam is massive chaos and religious fundamentalism like they have
in Iran or like the Taliban. Right now, despite crippling sanctions,
Iraq manages to boast some of the highest levels of education in the
Middle East. The Taliban forbade women from going to school or showing
so much as an earlobe. But Iraq is more of a democracy than most Arab
nations and gives its female citizens more freedom than any other country
in the Middle East except Israel. Do we prefer the religious autocracy
of Iran or the royal family despots of Saudi Arabia?

Osama's dick is still at large, as is the rest of him

Okay,
well, then there's 9.11. The Bushies always try to tie the proposed
New War on Iraq into 9.11. But what exactly is Saddam's relationship
to 9.11? Just that he's another evil camel-jockey?

Speaking
of 9.11, what about Osama? Remember him, the other Big Evil Arab who
fucked America in the ass with our own planes? That HURT. And Osama's
dick is still at large, as is the rest of him. Even with Saddam to distract
us, losing Osama doesn't look good. I mean, Osama is an X-tra Large
guy in more ways than one; how difficult can it be for us to find him?
Where is he? In a cave? In the CIA Witness Protection Program?
In Pakistan? In Peoria? One place he's probably not is Iraq

Osama Dick hides
in the Vulva Cave

At
what point did Bush decide that we didn't have to look for Osama anymore,
and that we had to get Saddam? Is it just because Saddam is easier to
find? Or is it that erection--er, election time is around the corner?

Of
course, there is the Wag the Dog factor, the idea that a BIG NEW WAR
on EVIL will distract Americans from the fact that our economy is limper
than Bob Dole without Viagra.

Underlining
just how absurd our New War on Iraq idea is, hardly any other countries
in the world are siding with us on this one. What happened to the joyous
international gangbang of '91? Gone. Like yesterday's condoms. Our New
War on Iraq is viewed around the world as a cold, crude assault by a
tactless brute who couldn't get laid any other way, an oaf who can't
or won't seduce his target with negotiatory words and gestures, but
forces his way in, with no lube and no manners.

It's
embarrassing. All the global sympathy we stirred up when our great phallic
edifices (Dick
1 & Dick 2) were castrated by the Terrorist's fiery sword are
fading into resentment, fear & ridicule of America, dick-swinging,
bomb-tossing Bully of the World.

Speak softly, loudly
or not at all, but whatever you do, carry a Big Stick,
preferably with a 25,000-pound conventional warhead on the end of it.

So
that's what it comes down to: dicks. Size does matter. But so does staying
power. Hundreds of thousands of people may die, all over a couple of
Dickheads, one of whom has political blueballs.

Funny
things is, I bet Dubya wouldn't even mind being called a Dickhead. Maybe
it's because of his name, but Bush seems to be a lot more worried about
being called a Pussy. George Dubya Pussy! I'm sure that growing
up, other kids teased him about his last name, and as a sex therapist,
I can appreciate his obsessive need to prove his masculinity and defend
his family name. But should Americans kill and die for that?

Defiant Saddam won't
swallow Bush's tough new inspections regulations

Meanwhile,
Saddam the cocky Iraqi, baits his adversary, defiantly stating that
he will not swallow the U.S.-British proposal imposing tougher U.N.
weapons inspections.

It's
a cockfight all right. With one difference: These two Dicks won't be
the ones doing the dying.

9.29.02

Photos
taken from Dr. Suzy's monologue "Cockfight at the Baghdad Corral"
kicking off The Dr. Susan Block Show
of 9.28.02: Sex, Debauchery
& Rap Bastardz.

Dr.Susan
Block's "soul-searching... essays (on the War)... are among the most
readable to come out of Los Angeles (that) smartly combine outrage and
eccentric observations with levelheaded warnings about the loss of civil
liberties."
Steve Mikulan
The LA Weekly

Most
of Dr. Block's essays are reprinted in Counterpunch,
"America's Best Political Newsletter," edited by Alexander Cockburn
and Jeffrey St. Clair

"So
thrilled to have you on our site, lending distinction and intelligence."
Alex Cockburn
Counterpunch

"Alex
and I love your stuff... So do most of our readers. The ones who don't?...well,
fuck em. " Jeff St. Clair
Counterpunch

"The
people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy.
All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce
the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.
It works the same in any country."
Herman Goering at the Nuremberg Trial