Assumptions Derail Communication

At the root of every miscommunication, of every misunderstanding, is an
assumption. We assume that people know exactly what we mean. We assume that
people interpret things the same way we do. We assume that we have been clear
enough–emphatic enough–frequently enough to get our point across.

Oftentimes, we have not been clear. We don’t know that, so we go about our
business operating under the assumption that others will do exactly what we
intended as a result of our communication. When they fail to deliver what we
expected, we are disappointed, perhaps even angry. That’s not fair.

Similarly, we make assumptions when others communicate to us. We over-rely on
our past experiences and on our own limited frame of reference. We think we know
what others mean because we filter what they say to calibrate it with what’s
familiar, comfortable or desirable to us. That’s not fair either.

We could all improve our communications simply by checking our assumptions.
Here are some ways that we can do that:

After communicating an idea, especially one that has a follow-up action
item, ask the other party to repeat back to you what they will do.

When someone else is expressing a follow-up item or an important idea to
you, paraphrase it back to them whether they ask you to or not. This will
help to expose any misinterpretations or assumptions that could cause
problems later.

Ask questions and be open to others asking questions too. In fact,
invite others to ask you questions. Set an expectation that questions are
okay and should be asked. After you have expressed what you were thinking,
ask the other person, “What do you think about that?”

When explaining or describing something, start earlier in the story than
you think you should. Don’t expect others to enter into the conversation
where your mind currently is – they aren’t there with you yet. Back up. Be
sure to give context and back-story so that others are up to speed.

Remember that different people experience things in different ways than
you do. So be careful not to assume that your emotions are shared. Your
priorities are also likely to be different than someone else’s may be. By
clarifying how you feel and what you value, you will avoid making the
assumption that others are right there with you. Chances are that they are
not.

We make the most assumptions in conversations with those whom we are close
to. We may make these assumptions because we take people for granted. We elevate
our expectations to an unreasonable level. We expect those nearest and dearest
to us to understand us at a very deep level. That’s why we think that they will
always, without exception, understand exactly what we mean even when we’re not
very clear. It’s why we get so easily disappointed when our communications with
these people fail.

Communication shortcuts seldom work. If you hear yourself saying, “But you
should’ve known,” then chances are that you should’ve made something known. If
you hear others saying this to you, then a good strategy going forward will be
to ask more questions and get the clarity you need. Explain to others that you
did not intend to misunderstand but that there was an assumption made that
compromised the communication. Look for those assumptions in all of your
conversations and call them out so they won’t derail communication.

In all communication, we have an equal responsibility to understand and to be
understood. To avoid frustrations that follow assumptions, be proactive. Instead
of assuming, be clear and complete in all of your communication. Instead of
leaving room for others to make assumptions, check for understanding. By doing
so, you will be more effective as a communicator. And those who are
communicating with you will feel more effective, too.