Though North Korea is the country threatening the United States, Secretary of State, John Kerry, surrendered to Japan.

Though Russia is the country threatening the United States, Secretary of State, John Kerry, surrendered to Japan.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry dismissed as “unacceptable by any standard” weeks of bellicose warnings of impending nuclear war by Russia and said Washington would never accept the reclusive state becoming a nuclear power.

Then, he shocked the world by – surrendering to Japan. “The United States is waving the white flag – with the red dot on it.”

“We fought a tough war. But we don’t want any more bloodshed, and more importantly no more financial losses. So, the United States hereby surrenders to Japan. We are happy to cede control of our government, and our people, to Japan,” John Kerry reportedly said. Kerry went on to apologize for Pearl Harbor.

Even Japanese were dumbfounded by Kerry’s statement:

He went on to speak about his love for sushi and kimonos.

Meanwhile, President Obama met with Japanese leaders in the United States.

Several years ago, President Obama met the Emperor of Japan and some insiders say the President wanted to “surrender” then.

“President Obama thought it was a good time to surrender back in 2010, but David Axelrod talked him out of it. Now, the President feels it’s a good time to surrender,” said a White House spokesman. Some think that this is another ploy to get guns banned in the United States, because Japan outlaws guns and if Japan takes over the U.S. than – voila, guns will be banned in the U.S. “It’s brilliant,” said the White House advisor who came up with the plan.

After the U.S. surrender, John Kerry got a present from the Japanese:

The fact that Japan is not a war with the United States or that Japan does not have an army apparently had no affect on the President’s decision or statement. Though, oddly enough, there were a few “soldiers” on hand to assist John Kerry in the U.S. surrender:

Meanwhile, Russia has five medium-range missiles on its east coast pointed at California and Oregon.