Florida Man Thinks Sunshine = Specks Of Bitcoin-Like Gold

A Florida man has perhaps had a little too much sun this month, as he is convinced that sunshine is actually just specks of bitcoin-like gold.

The man has acquired a contraption that reportedly captures this ubiquitous yet elusive gold, liquefies it, solidifies it, and then explodes it in order to create electrons. The electrons are often then wasted to scroll through the homepage of Facebook or looney tune technology site CleanTechnica, where he reportedly finds “inspiration.”

When the man captures a lot of this bitcoin, he has been known to send some down an invisible river to his regional utility, which provides a bit of imaginary cash in return in the form of some extra numbers on his electricity bill — but going in the opposite direction than numbers are supposed to go.

“I first learned about this gold-capturing contraption while scrolling across a site called CleanTechnica,” the Florida man says. “I was intrigued by the idea of liquefying gold, solidifying it, and then exploding it in order to create electrons. It wasn’t until later that I learned I could collect monopoly money on my fake (cyber) electricity bill and bank account from doing this.”

The man reportedly bought this solarizing contraption from a local hippie company that sells them in order to earn money for tofu. The company also hammered the gold-capturing contraption onto his roof, creating a nice method of rainwater collection in the kitchen sink in the process.

“After discovering this new technological wonder, I looked online for a reputable installation company. ‘Hippie Redneck Sunlovers’ just jumped out at me because of the name and colorful flag on the website. I later found out they are the best Birkenstock-wearing solarized explosion company within 100 miles of me.”

There is apparently a wave of tofu-powered solarized explosion companies growing across the country and even the world. They are unhelpfully proud of their ability to lower cancer rates among male and female humans, while they also claim that their self-profiteering work helps to keep the world cool enough that we don’t all turn into burnt gingerbread dwarfs.

Whether anyone really believes bitcoin-like specks of sunshine can be exploded and turned into cash money for hippies, well, we won’t ask any anti-imagination Trumpsters to comment. Suffice it to say, though, Hippie Redneck Sunlovers had a lot of tofu in the kitchen.