the duchess will see you now

On Time and Love

This Valentine’s Day I was given pause to think on Valentines past and to reflect on how time changes everything. Or, how everything changes in time. Or, everything in it’s own time. Or, a time for everything.

Nothing is true forever . . . a man and a fact will become equally decrepit, for truth is as mortal as man. — James Stephens

So much has happened in my life, and in particular, the last 2 1/2 years have been revolutionary. Case in point; this blog. How did I jump from 2007 to 2010 with nary a post? What happened?!

Everything happened. And it wasn’t all bad.

In 2007 I’d never had a broken heart. I’d been in a relationship going on 10 years with the man who I will always consider my first true love. We’d struggled at least the last 3 years of those 10, but I thought that in the summer of 2007 all was reconciled. So although we still didn’t live together, I was happy to submit to what I could not change and to enjoy the fruits of our union sans marriage. I just loved him so much.

On my month-long road trip across America, we spoke on the phone nearly every day. I blogged about my trip, mentioning him in some of my posts. It all seems ridiculous now, but when I got home from the road, my relationship with him rapidly deteriorated amidst the revelation of lies and betrayal. Anything I had chosen to overlook before in the name of compromise (and LOVE); immaturity, jealousy, fear of commitment, paled in comparison to the realization that this man could hold me close, profess his never-ending love, and tell me that I was his best friend, all the while carrying on with another woman. I KNOW, I KNOW! It makes me look like a daft and weak woman, which I am verifiably not. When I say that I always knew that if I were in a relationship with a two-timer the situation would reveal itself in no time at all, I mean it. And it did. It came to light quickly and horribly. You should hear the things he said about it. “She’s a nice girl so I gave her my number, but now she won’t stop calling.” (Here’s me, calling bullshit on him.) “I just can’t get rid of her.” (Here’s me, calling bullshit on him and advising him on how to grow a spine.) “She’s in love with me already.” (Here’s me, calling bullshit on him, advising him on spinal growth, and asking him to be honest.) “She’s boring and dumb, I can’t talk to her about anything.” (You know what I am doing.) “I tried to break-up with her, but she cried and wouldn’t let me.” (I feel murderous.) “Sleeping with her is like masturbating.” (OH. MY. GOD.) Just like that I found myself weighing in at 15 pounds less than usual. Just like that my son and I were traumatized and disenchanted with life, love, and family. In 3 months time, October through December, the bulk of my adult life disappeared like so many rings of smoke. I used to say that our love was magical. That’s the thing about magic; it’s not real.

By February I was still shell-shocked and sheepishly engaging my time in reading silly pamphlets on how to get your ex-boyfriend back. Remember, folks, we’re talking about 10 years here. My brain was still being duped by my heart, and he was still calling and texting me regularly. I’d told him about a date I went on to see what reaction I’d get, hopelessly hoping that he would imagine me moving on and realize he had to marry me right away.

And so. On Valentine’s Day, 2008, my doorbell rang unexpectedly. When I opened the door, there stood my ex-boyfriend with a single red rose. And that day he looked to me like who he really was. My brain was no longer my heart’s dupe.

That was the last time I saw him.

Essentially speaking.

I think I technically saw him twice more, but without the false pretense of hopeless romance struggling to survive.

By February 24th I was on my first date with Yimmy. He took me to see his sister-in-law in The Vagina Monologues at the City Theater. As she pretended to reach orgasm on stage I turned to him and said, “Now you know what your brother listens to in the bedroom.”

Yim and I met in December of 2007 and he’d been following me around since then making me laugh like crazy. I had a bad attitude chip on my shoulder and kept trying to resist laughing, but he was so funny. When he tried to tell me things, I tried to be a “too-cool-for-school” show off. When he mentioned his girlfriend I said, “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?”

And then I became his girlfriend.

And I am still laughing.

The worst wasted of all days is that during which one has not laughed. — Chamfort