humor, recovery, horseracing, kvetching, spirituality ... or whatever's on my mind, one day at a time.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Are You Involved with Someone Who Is Rebounding?

I don't know why I get on these little kicks--other than my own perverse curiosity--but since I've been reading Hold Me Tight (thoughts here) and pondering relationships, what makes them run smoothly like clockwork and what makes us feel stuck, inevitably "red flag" stuff crops up. Here's some information I came across that struck me as valuable in its simplicity. I thought I'd post it with some added thoughts of mine in case others might find it useful.

If you're worried you might be someone's rebound, look for these "warning signals":

1 They move at a really fast pace.

2 They don't take the time to get to know you or let the relationship evolve. They jump into the new relationship very quickly and want to get serious very quickly. People who demand exclusivity right off the bat, or are jealous right out of the box, are showing you how insecure they are.

3 They still talk about their ex. Especially if they still bitch about how their ex did this or that, or didn't do this or that, or this or that was all their fault, etc etc, I always just try to tell myself: "One day that might be ME she/he's talking about."

4 They compare you to their ex. Even if this is in a positive light, it's not good because it means they're still stuck on their ex.

5 They declare their love for you very quickly after the relationship begins. Infatuation feels like love--at first. You don't actually love someone if you've known them for only a few months or so. Someone who can't tell the difference is either emotionally immature and/or is rebounding and is unaware of it.

6 They treat you like a trophy or prize to be won. They might post lots of pictures on Facebook or try to "show you off" or take you to lots of public events to be seen. They definitely want to project an appearance. Look for signs that they want you to be seen by others. Beware if they want to push you too quickly into meeting their ex, or being accepted by their family, or insisting that their friends accept you as a new couple, and the like.

7 They spend lots of money on you and try to impress you. Spending money is a coping mechanism.

8 They're needy. Some people simply don't want to be single for long. If you have trouble imagining what they would do with their spare time if they didn't have a significant other, family commitments, or job commitments, that's a bad sign.

9 They get jealous quickly or keep secrets. Or, they're evasive or give you only half-answers or avoid questions.

10 They compliment you habitually, even when one isn't needed or may be awkward. If someone is constantly complimenting you about things that are not unusual, or when it's not necessary, this could be a big warning sign. Too much adoration means they aren't seeing you as you really are: they're projecting, and that wind in their sails is bound to cease and the sails will collapse. They're seeing you as their savior, their knight in shining armor on the white horse who is everything they need. Once you stop rescuing them, they may no longer find you appealing.

11 They have a history of going from one relationship right into another. Worse: all or many of their past relationships ended as affairs, and they commenced your relationship with them as an affair or as a reason to end their last relationship. Let's hope you're not that dumb. People need time off to heal. Rule of thumb: figure one- to one-and-a-half months of healing time for each year a couple was together.

12 They quickly change their relationship status with the idea of making their ex jealous or to beat their ex to the next relationship. Or, they get angry when their ex starts a new relationship, or they obsess about that. Again, these are a clear signal they're not really over their ex.

Now, none of these "red flags" is the kiss of death, but if there are a number of them present, that tells you to watch out. Back off, insist on going slowly, get to know each other, and keep in mind this new infatuation may burn off as quickly as it started. Or, just be aware you're involved with someone who is rebounding and keep your expectations realistic. It probably won't last. Or insist the relationship not be exclusive until they've dated around some more and had more time to heal and recover and find themselves again. Otherwise, your relationship with your rebounding lover will likely turn into a repeat of the relationship they just got out of.

Words to Live By

"You must give up everything, in order to gain everything. What must you give up? Everything that is not truly you; all that you have chosen without choosing and value without evaluating. All your self-doubt that keeps you from trusting and loving yourself or other human beings. What will you gain? Only your own true self; a self who is at peace, who is able to truly love and be loved, and who understands who and what she is meant for. But you can be yourself only if you are no one else. You must give up "their" approval, whoever they are, and look to yourself for evaluation of success and failure, in terms of your own level of aspiration that is consistent with your values. Nothing is simpler and nothing is more difficult." -- Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross