JERRY: You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end, don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this fashion time capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, with someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To me the worst thing is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little room. What men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants at the door, and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would be the best way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?' 'No, just getting some air.'

(Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and notices Jerry's mug on the coffee table.)

GEORGE: (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table!

JERRY: (picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee table.

GEORGE: But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he runs to kitchen)

KRAMER: Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh?

(George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain.)

ELAINE: (impatient) Come on!

JERRY: What's the big rush?

ELAINE: I'm having people over.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...

JERRY: Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?

ELAINE: Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.

JERRY: (interested) Really?

ELAINE: I'll put in a good word for you.

JERRY: Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts coffee cup back on the table)

GEORGE: (screaming) Aaahh!!

JERRY: Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again)

GEORGE: But Jerry, this is not coming out!

JERRY: Just put a coffee table book over it.

GEORGE: My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book is doing on the table!

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it?

ELAINE: Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George.

GEORGE: Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing refinished.

ELAINE: Now?!

GEORGE: Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are gonna be back. I gotta have it back before them!

ELAINE: Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven.

KRAMER: Alright, we'll take the subway.

JERRY: There you go. That'll get you home in time.

ELAINE: Oh! The subway? From Queens?

GEORGE: Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.

JERRY: I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you.

ELAINE: I need something to read on the subway.

JERRY: (handing her a magazine) Here, read this.

ELAINE: (looks at it) TV Guide?

[Subway train]

(Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer is expanding on his book concept.)

KRAMER: Like a history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee tables. It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.

ELAINE: (engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm.

KRAMER: So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh?

ELAINE: (still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. First thing in the morning.

KRAMER: (claps hands) Yes indeed.

TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.

KRAMER: Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is famous for its gyros, you want one?

ELAINE: How are you gonna get something and get back on the train in time?

KRAMER: Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros are cooked, and wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three dollars, no change. You want one?

ELAINE: (laughing) No thanks.

KRAMER: Alright, but no bites.

(Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple of other guys waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry. Elaine continues to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses, anorak inside and out) proffers a pen.)

(Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and sees the address label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING NY 11353)

[Furniture refinishers]

(Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting.)

GEPETTO: They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done by hand. (Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, and... (notices) Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late!

SYLVIA: Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is that your car out there?

GEORGE: No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry)

SYLVIA: Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan.

GEORGE: Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner.

SYLVIA: Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighborhood.

GEORGE: (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighborhood's changing.

JERRY: Alright, I'll take it.

GEPETTO: Smart choice.

SYLVIA: Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste.

GEORGE: Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh, we must have them.

[Elaine's apartment]

(Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker.)

ELAINE: Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces

THE GIRLS: (disappointed) Oh/Aah.

ELAINE: (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha!

(There's a knock at the door.)

ELAINE: Who is it?

JERRY (O.C.): It's Jerry.

(Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside a large object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag.)

ELAINE: Jerry!

JERRY: Surprise! (he carries in the object)

ELAINE: What is this?

JERRY: Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something.

ELAINE: Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry?

THE GIRLS: Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc)

JERRY: Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.

GIRL (NOT WINONA): Elaine, is it your birthday?

ELAINE: No.

JERRY: I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love to make people happy.

JERRY: And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all, you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, wouldya?

WINONA: (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.

JERRY: You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here.

(The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes offence.)

MAILMAN: Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for location of restaurant.

JERRY: I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighbourhood.

MAILMAN: Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms away)

JERRY: I didn't know that...

WINONA: You know, it's late. I should probably just go home.

JERRY: I, I had no idea.

(A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the top of the Indian.)

(Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find nothing to say. Winona storms back into her building.)

[George's parent's house]

(George and Jerry are returning the table.)

GEORGE: Looks pretty good.

JERRY: Yeah, did a good job.

(They put the various ornaments back on the table.)

GEORGE: Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell.

JERRY: You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle.

GEORGE: So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh...

JERRY: Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact I'm gonna see her tonight.

GEORGE: Oh, great.

JERRY: Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making another mistake.

GEORGE: Aw c'mon.

(The front door opens and George's parents enter.)

ESTELLE: Hello, hello!

GEORGE: (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi.

ESTELLE: Oh, the house looks very nice.

GEORGE: Yeah, huh.

FRANK: Where's the mail?

ESTELLE: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Hello.

GEORGE: So, how was the trip?

ESTELLE: Ah, your father...

FRANK: Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll booth?

ESTELLE: I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for the bedroom)

FRANK: (examining mail) This stack should be bigger, where's the TV Guide?

GEORGE: What TV Guide?

FRANK: I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one.

JERRY: Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway.

FRANK: Elaine took it?

GEORGE: I didn't know she took it!

JERRY: Wa, it's two weeks old.

FRANK: (shouting) How could you let her take the TV Guide?!

GEORGE: (to Jerry) He collects them.

JERRY: You collect TV Guide?

FRANK: The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing my collectible!

ESTELLE: (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding a small packet) This was in our bed.

FRANK: (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly to George) A prophylactic wrapper?!

ESTELLE: What is this doing on my bed?!

GEORGE: I don't know, uh...

JERRY: I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste)

FRANK: You were having sex on our bed?!

GEORGE: Yes!

ESTELLE: Who told you, you could have sex in our bed?

GEORGE: (pleading) Well, my bed is too small.

FRANK: Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street!

ESTELLE: Where am I going to sleep?

GEORGE: What are you talking about?

ESTELLE: I can't sleep in there!

GEORGE: Of course you can.

ESTELLE: I can't! (screams) I can't!

FRANK: That's it! You're grounded!

GEORGE: (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.

FRANK: You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. (yells) You're grounded!

[Winona's apartment]

(Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets.)

WINONA: So, where are we gonna go eat?

JERRY: I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.

WINONA: Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table?

JERRY: Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself)

WINONA: You made what?

JERRY: I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodations. And then, Knick tickets, floor seats.

WINONA: How did you get these?

JERRY: Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again)

WINONA: From who?

JERRY: A uh, one of those guys.

WINONA: What guys?

JERRY: You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out events.

WINONA: Oh.

JERRY: Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide.

WINONA: That's Al Roker.

JERRY: Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?

WINONA: Sure, take it.

JERRY: Thanks.

[Jerry's apartment]

(Jerry enters with the TV Guide.)

JERRY: So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you.

ELAINE: Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh?

JERRY: Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.

ELAINE: He collects (holds up magazine) these?

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him.

JERRY: What'ya do with the one you took?

ELAINE: I dunno.

[Ricky's apartment]

(Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy teenager. He's cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming the theme to I Love Lucy to himself as he does so.)

[Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer enters.)

ELAINE: Hi.

KRAMER: Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say?

ELAINE: What did who say?

KRAMER: Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book?

ELAINE: Uhmm...

KRAMER: Yeah, you didn't tell him didya?

ELAINE: Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her voice as Kramer speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it...

KRAMER: (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm...

ELAINE: I would be embarrassed to bring it up.

JERRY: I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table.

KRAMER: Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. (clicks tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.

JERRY: Where you going?

KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian.

ELAINE: What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee table book.

JERRY: It is a good idea, Elaine.

TANNOY (V.O.): Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.

JERRY: You want a gyro?

ELAINE: I don't think so.

(Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past other commuters.)

[Subway train: moments later]

(Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage just as the doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it.)

JERRY: Elaine!

(A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's hand, just as Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing to eat.)

AL ROKER: Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train.

ELAINE: He's not my boyfriend.

AL ROKER: He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin)

(Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide and finds the guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker. She looks up at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the picture on the cover.)

[Nightclub]

JERRY: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?