Headlines Hotshots

No, the story isn’t about some anti-Valentinian nonsense, I saved that for the Patrons. Though, this story may be of note to them…

It turns out that you can jack-off to death.

A new study of German sex and death, because Germany is a fun place, found that masturbation kills about 100 Germans a year. Also, the study was kinda specific, so we’re gonna make fun of weird sex stuff, but remember, it’s not ok to kink-shame… unless by the end of the night someone finds a body, then… you know… what the fuck!

The study revealed that one man died wearing pantyhose… ok… a raincoat, getting weirder, and a diving suit, as well as a plastic bag over his head… while sitting next to a heater trying to melt cheese slices on himself… with porn. So yeah, all you cheddar-scuba-coat-bag-ophiles need to take extra precautions.

Also of note, the lethal side effects of using Christmas lights as nipple-electro-clamps… That’ll cause all kinds of cardiac-arrhythmia, so just don’t.

About 80% of the deaths were due to strangle-jacking it. Apparently passing out just after you’re done is the trick… ‘cause… I guess if you passed out first you’re just awkwardly strangling yourself and if you don’t pass out you… umm…

Apparently, 1 or 2 in every 1 million Germans will die of their dildos or other “props.” Which is why you want to have a professional set designer do your lighting, I mean really…

If you’re wondering about demographics… you’re stupid… but also almost certainly correct in your initial assumption that of course, victims are usually men, since women were “more cautious and don’t incorporate so many intricacies.” So there ya have it, I know it’s sexy-time holiday and all, but please keep in mind that Rube Goldberging your dick off can be fatal.

Shea – Canada hates women and Non-Patreons! So check out patreon.com/w4w for this story, right now!

In a strange twist, Saudi Arabia has brought up strange allegations involving Canada’s treatment of women. It highlighted the disappearance of 1,000 indigenous women over the last hundred years and failed to mention how their women still fight for basic right like driving and not being killed.

Fahad Alshlimi, a Kuwaiti commentator said on Saudi TV last week that Canada had one of the world’s worst records for its treatment of women, according to a translation from the National Post. The Saudi media also bashed other negative elements of Canada’s history, like its treatment of indigenous peoples, without mentioning steps taken in recent generations by Canada’s government to acknowledge and mitigate the problem. Also

Justin Trudeau campaigned on investigating the missing indigenous women and has since launched a probe with $41 million budget to find answers.

This may seem strange for Saudi Arabia to go after the most apologetic country in the world but recently Canada’s foreign ministry called for the release of women’s rights activists detained in Saudi Arabia. The Saudi crown, either owning or being in close with the media decided Canada would be in the crosshairs. Also, as a result, Canadian news has been censored and education in Canada has been revoked.

İyad el-Baghdadi, a human rights activist who lives as a political refugee in Norway, called Saudi’s attacks on Canada a “new normal within the Arab world since the failing of the Arab Spring,” referring to a pro-democracy movement fueled by social media that swept the Arab world in 2011.

“You’re just being made aware of it now because the sewers have overflown,” tweeted Baghdadi.

The zoo in El Paso is raising a bit of money and having a laugh with their “Quit Bugging Me” event on Valentine’s Day. Apparently, you can direct message the El Paso Zoo Facebook page… by earlier the morning of air, so … lol, you missed it, and the zoo staff will decorate the meerkat exhibit with the submitted names. They will then individually name cockroaches after your ex – a charming change of direction I’m sure – and feed the little fuckers in effigy to some hungry almost-Trash Panda rats.

“This is a fun way to get the community involved in our daily enrichment activities,” said El Paso Zoo Event Coordinator Sarah Borrego. “The meerkats love to get cockroaches as a snack and what better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than by feeding them a cockroach named after your ex!”

So that sounds like a wholesome good time that you can watch on Facebook Live via the meerkat webcam, also available on the zoo’s website www.elpasozoo.org.

As cute as meerkats are, the marketing dude-bros at Hooters are almost as clever… Helping single, gross, old men and, in all terrifying likelihood some girl’s birthday party — there were two, fucking two, when we had to go there at ReasonCon — have a special day the chain is bringing back the “Shred Your Ex” promotion. The idea is that you get 20 wings half-off in exchange for details about your sex life. You can bring in and shred pics of your ex, upload them to the website for… who knows… or fill out a really weird online survey, and get a coupon.

This Week’s Stories

Singles Awareness Day, or “Singles Appreciation Day” – because loveless, bored, singles have nothing better to do on Feb 14th than bicker over what to call their sad, lonely, celebrations of undesirability – is a holiday recognizes single people during the world’s largest mass-marketed love-fest, Valentine’s Day.

Originally created by bartenders to market cheap, bottom-shelf booze to depressed people Singles Awareness Day, or SAD, has evolved into a respectable holiday in its own right. Celebrants often expend pent-up frustrations with the marketing of love by telling everyone around them, regardless of time or place, how Valentine’s Day is just another Hallmark Holiday or excuse for Reese’s to sell candy. To which I would reply, fuck you, 50% 15th is my Christmas you son of a bitch!… [cough] I mean, yes, the sensationalism of literally everything has run amuck.

Of course, their staunch instance that “it’s all just marketing” hasn’t stopped Chinese retailer Alibaba from cashing in on it’s annual “you’re going to die alone and you can’t take it with you” 50% off specials… which is what I assume all those fliers I can’t read and didn’t Google were saying. In the UK, apparently there’s a Dating Industry Professional Network – or DIPN as they’re known, and known to do, what with being experts and all – organize a Dating Fair. Which, kinda makes you wonder what the standards for entry are on at DIPN right? It’s literally ‘love day’ and these people are at work! But back to the world’s romance-capital – China. February 11th is chosen to celebrate Singles Day because the 1 resembles an individual who is alone, which is odd because they’ve literally chosen the only day of the month that gets two 1’s. Originally called “Bachelors Day” the holiday was founded in Nanjing University in 1993 and was meant to be on November 11th, because 11/11 looks like a couple of a couple of single people. [sigh]

Now that you’re sad about being sad, let’s talk about what you do on SAD according to a website whose next article was about how Mercury’s Retrograde was going to flib flab your jib jab or whatever.

In Malaysia, single women buy fruit from vendors, write their phone numbers on the fruit, and then toss it into the nearest river in the hopes that the man of their dreams will find it. It is also customary for the local fruit vendors to cast nets collection the floaty-fruit so they can resell them, phone numbers and all.

In Scotland, single people drink. But also, sometimes, they write the names of single people on a bit of paper and put it in one of two hats, either the wee-lad or bonnie-lassies hat. Everyone draws and something something – it doesn’t even bother with what drawing pairs implies or means and skips right to the lass gets the guy she picked and his draw didn’t mean shit. Then they pair off and learn to hate awkward silences and blind dates.

But fear not, there’s an upside to all this. Single’s Day basically-corporate-sponsor PornHub is offering free PronHub Premium for the day. So enjoy that, like some 3+ million SADders did last year. Fun facts from their actually-an-interesting-read tech blog:

If you are a patron you’ll get this on the big VDay, otherwise, eh, what’s timeliness? Hopefully, everyone got exactly the amount of Valentine’s they wanted, as in my case pretty much meh. It’s a silly time.

Do demonstrate exactly HOW silly, let’s learn some trivia about the holiday that causes the early deaths of over 50 million roses a year.

1) In addition to being the unofficial saint of love, what occupation was St. Valentine also associated with?

a. exorcists b. beekeepers c. brewers d. smiths

2) What ancient celebration is considered the origin of Valentine’s Day?

a.Bacchanalia b. Beltane c. Saturnalia d. Lupercalia

It was held in honor of the gods Lupercus and Faunus (Pan’s Roman counterpart) where men stripped naked and spanked young maidens in the hopes of upping their fertility.

3.) What carved, wooden item was a traditional Welsh gift for Valentine’s?

a. spoons b. chairs c. cradles d. dildos

They are often carved with locks to represent the receiver had the giver’s heart ‘locked’.

4.) Complete this phrase from an Old Farmer’s Almanac “If a woman sees a robin on Valentine’s Day, she will marry a….?”

a. butcher b. baker c. singer d. sailor

But spotting an owl indicates you will remain a spinster.

5.) In the Czech Republic February 14th is most commonly celebrated by _________ under _________?

a. kissing under a cherry tree b. sleeping under the stars c. fucking under the stairs d. drinking under a bridge

6.) Valentine’s Day is apparently less commercialized in Germany, but they still have a traditional gift. Gifts of pictures, statues or chocolate models of what are given in hopes of good fortune and inspiring love and lust?

a. David Hasselhoff b. tomatoes c. pigs d. beer steins

7.) This Valentine’s Day custom has been banned in the country it originated: Single people of various ages would enter into houses opposite of each other and call out through the windows till they paired up. If a male wasn’t happy with his partner, then he could leave her and pair up with someone else.

The women who were left single built a big ass bonfire and conducted ceremonial burnings of the men who jilted them. Not surprising things could often…escalate. What was the country where this took place?

a. France b. Ireland c. Italy d. Denmark

8.) According to condom maker Durex, the sales of condoms are highest around Valentine’s Day. What percentage sales spike do they see?

a. 10-15% b. 20-30% c. 45-55% d. 75-80%

Fun STD Valentine’s fact: Penicillin, a popular treatment for venereal diseases such as syphilis, was introduced to the world on February 14, 1929.

9.) What group of people receive the most Valentine’s cards?

a. wives b. parole officers c. teachers d. children

10.) The famous mobster execution-style killings, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre of 1929 was carried out at the request of what famous crime boss?

a. Carlo Gambino b. Al Capone c. Bugsy Seigel d. Machine Gun Kelly

Seven members of the North Side Irish Gang were shot in broad daylight by Capone’s South Side Italians, who were dressed as police officers.

11.) This Eastern European country uses February 14th as ‘Winemaker’s Day’ so you share a glass or two or bottle with your sweetie. What’s the country?

a. Bulgaria b. Romania c. Serbia d. Ukraine

12.) In Medieval Europe, what tiny gift from nature was often presented at Valentine’s to express romantic interest?

a. pine boughs b. rabbit skins c. sheep dung d. quail eggs

It was because it was thought that February 14th was the one day of the year that birds would choose who they would mate with for the entire following year.

Next Week’s Beer

Faith In Humanity Restored

In 2021 Rosalind Franklin will touch down in Mars. The ESA (European Space Agency) has a 2020 launch planned of their new ExoMars rover, which has been christened after the lady British scientist.

Franklin is most famous for not being as famous as she should be. She was pivotal in the discovery of the DNA helix through x-ray studies but didn’t live long enough to receive the recognition she deserved. Fellow scientists and sneaky piggybackers, Watson & Crick gleaned crucial insights about DNA’s structure from one of her x-ray diffraction photos, and from a summary of her unpublished research submitted to the Medical Research Council. Watson and Crick never told Franklin that they had seen her materials, and they did not directly acknowledge their debt to her work when they published their classic announcement in Nature in April of 1953.

So, screw that, but at least she is seeing some posthumous recognition. She was the winner of over 36,000 entries sent in by states which make up the ESA. And the agency feels the name is perfect for the craft that is designed to search for complex organic chemicals.

“This name reminds us that it is in the human genes to explore. Science is in our DNA, and in everything we do at ESA,” says ESA Director General Jan Woerner.

“Rosalind the rover captures this spirit and carries us all to the forefront of space exploration.”

Per sciencealert.com: “Franklin’s skills and expertise contributed to a revolution in understanding life on Earth. Now her namesake just might do the same thing for life among the stars.”