Dick Picks: Week 12. UnScene’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column

Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that subverts the patriarchy by refusing to learn how to drive a stick shift.

I fell back down to earth pretty hard after my previous week, which I guess is something that happens when all the favorites decide not to cover in order to make things easier for me. The NFL decided not to reinstate Adrian Peterson this week, and people are mad about that because people tend to forget what they were mad about ten weeks ago when all of this shit started.You remember he beat the shit out of his kid to the point that he had to go to the doctor and stuffed dirt and leaves in his mouth to punish him right? Fuck Adrian Peterson.

People forget what they were outraged about too easily these days. Remember Ferguson, Missouri? That probably came to some peaceful and magical resolution that made everyone happy, right? If not, you’d still be hearing about it in the news, wouldn’t you? Jesus remember for a goddamned second what pissed you off a couple of months ago. Maybe it’s because I’m from Boston and we know how to hold a grudge. Remember, we made Bill Buckner move to Idaho, and have a seething hatred for New York mostly because they changed our favorite kind of soup. If Joseph McCarthy was from Boston, Communism never would have won.

The playoff field in the AFC started to solidify last week. The Pats took care of business in Indy, hanging on to the top seed, and got a little bit of a cushion because Denver… holy fuck Denver. Were you guys drunk? I’m assuming you guys got drunk on the plane. The Pats now hold tie-breaking wins over every other division leader in the AFC which is good because they’ll lose again at some point. Miami and Kansas City are positioned well for the wild cards because everyone in the AFC North is going to find a way to finish with a .500 record which will be super impressive because Cincinnati already tied a game. Do we really need those teams to keep playing? Can we settle the AFC North with a coin-flip? This is why I need to be in charge. *

*Gets put in charge and deputizes all the dogs but then the dogs become too powerful and I have to flee to New Zealand

Meanwhile, in the NFC… Guhhhhhhhhh. Don’t even look at it. Aside from the Packers, if any of these teams makes the Super Bowl it’s going to be a goddamned tragedy. And the Packers aren’t even in first place in their division (they will be once Detroit starts fucking up.) The NFC West leader is a 9-1 team that scares literally nobody, the Cowboys and the Eagles are racing to second place in the NFC East, and we just don’t talk about the NFC South in polite company. The NFC South is your dad’s DUI of NFL football.

Anyway, it’s ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 6-8-0. As always, the home team is in caps.

Kansas City -7 vs. OAKLAND

Oakland has been hanging in some games here and there, and a Thursday night home game against a Kansas City team coming off a physical game against Seattle might just be their opportunity to steal one and avoid going 0-16. But wait! Their coach is still Tony Sparano for some reason! If you recall, after the Raiders’ 0-4 start, Sparano had his team bury a football to symbolize the end of their terrible season. Well, apparently that football has risen from the grave and begun accosting sexy teenagers to seek vengeance for perceived wrongs, because the Raiders are 0-6 since then. He would have been better off eating the football, which is what Andy Reid told him as he looked on, wiping tears out of a very hungry mustache.

Cleveland +3 vs. ATLANTA

Remember when we thought Cleveland was good?! Remember sneaking into the basement to huff the polyurethane your dad left down there?! Remember trying to finger-bang your 17 year old girlfriend in a parking lot but the cops showed up and shined their flashlights on you to embarrass you?! It all seems like so long ago, when in actuality it was just last week! Cleveland is playing an NFC South team this week and that’s really all I need to see. Also, I’m not giving up on the Browns yet, and hey they get Josh Gordon back! Remember him?! No? This is the same problem I was talking about in the first paragraph. Keep a goddamned journal or something.

Tennessee +11 vs. PHILADELPHIA

I think this Titans team sucks a whole lot but I’m taking the points because I assume the next time a person tries to snap a football at Mark Sanchez he’s going to hit the deck and curl up in the fetal position.

NEW ENGLAND -7 vs. Detroit

True Story: New England has covered ONE game as a home favorite this season. It’s easy to look at these past few weeks and assume they’ll come crashing down to earth, but I have a hard time picking against them at home in the second half of the season. They’re far and away the best second half team, and at home they’re nearly untouchable after mid-season. Matt Stafford and his paunch don’t exactly inspire me to go against historical evidence this week. Plus Jim Caldwell is Detroit’s coach, and Jim Caldwell’s in-game adjustments tend to arrive six to eight weeks later by standard mail.

Green Bay -9 vs. MINNESOTA

The Packers have been laying waste to everything that stands in their way, while Minnesota trotting Teddy Bridgewater and company onto the field and calling it an “offense” is the same as your dad taking a newspaper into the bathroom and calling it his “office.” Nobody is fooled, everyone knows exactly what’s going to happen, and even though you’ve been through this already you’re still shocked and appalled by how bad it stinks.

INDIANAPOLIS -13.5 vs. Jacksonville

SURELY Jacksonville can’t be bad enough to lose a divisional game by two touchdowns, right? No. You’re wrong. Shut up.

Cincinnati +1 vs. HOUSTON

We’ve reached the part of the season where Cincinnati is undervalued because nobody trusts them and everyone is terrified of what Andy Dalton might do to their wallets. I went against Ryan Mallet last week and he played pretty well, and of course JJ Watt is a monster, but Cincinnati’s still got one more week to get everyone writing those “Don’t count out the Bengals!” articles before Dalton and Marvin Lewis set fire to their season like so many #14 Bengals jerseys in 2016.

BUFFALO -4 vs. NY Jets

Buffalo is currently under about 30 feet of snow, and the Bills are paying fans $10/hr plus a game ticket to come and shovel out the stadium. The entire Jets team and coaching staff has been there since yesterday because they’re not sure if they’ll be employed next year and wanted to build up their savings.

Tampa Bay +5.5 vs. CHICAGO

LOVIE’S REVENGE!!! I’m actually only picking the Buccaneers because I’m convinced that Lovie Smith is going to accidentally show up in the wrong locker room, patrol the wrong sideline, and coach the wrong team to a miserable loss and Mark Trestman is going to be too polite to say anything.

SEATTLE -6.5 vs. Arizona

This is exactly what I’m talking about with the Cardinals. What kind of 9-1 team gets almost a touchdown on the road against a 6-4 team? A FRADULENT ONE is what I say! Show us your true colors Arizona! You can’t hide behind your coach’s dumb Kangol forever! If you buy the Cardinals as a legitimate Super Bowl contender, then Pete Carroll’s got a story about the fire-induced, gravity-driven collapse of Tower Seven to sell you.

SAN DIEGO -4.5 vs. St. Louis

LOSER MOVES TO LOS ANGELES AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOUR BIGGEST FANS BECOME ONE OF THE KARDASHIANS THAT ISN’T KIM AND THE BAZINGA GUY FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BUT WEEP!!!

DENVER -7 vs. Miami

I was actually tempted to take the points, because I’m a little unsure of how Denver’s offensive line is going to react to last week’s loss and Miami’s fantastic defensive line.

Then I thought about it for a little while, and I realized that Peyton Manning has probably kidnapped the first born child of every other player on the Broncos and sent a bunch of ISIS-esque videos of Papa John holding a pizza cutter to their throats and Peyton wanted him to speak Italian in the videos to seem more menacing but Papa John was born in Kentucky so even when he tries to fake it he just sounds like the Swedish chef from the Muppets so then Peyton has to write down ANOTHER thing that he has to whip him for and it’s like “don’t I already have enough on my plate?!”

SAN FRANCISCO -9 vs. Washington

God I’m taking a lot of big lines this week. This isn’t going to go well. Still… How the FUCK can you take Washington after last week? They were such an abject disaster that for one afternoon their name became like the fourth most problematic thing about the team. People were running Bobby Griffiths Jr. out of town before the season started because they hadn’t realized that Kirk Cousins sucks yet, but now that it’s becoming more likely that BGrifJ ALSO sucks, this is an organization that has really painted itself into a corner. Some would say… WAR-painted itself into a corner. * my dream catcher falls on my face, breaking my nose and deviating my septum*

Dallas -3 vs. NY GIANTS

OH COME ON!!!! You could have flexed New England/Detroit or Seattle/Arizona up here and THIS IS WHAT YOU FUCKING GIVE US?! Fuck the NFC East. Fuck the media for constantly sucking their dicks even though these teams are always fucking horrible to watch. “Oooooooh every game in this division is impoooooorrrrrrtant. These rivalries go back cennnnturieeeesss.”

FUCK. YOU. Nobody wants to watch the fucking Giants. Tom Coughlin doesn’t even want to watch the fucking Giants and he is paid handsomely to do so. On the other side, the Cowboys are actively trying to throw away a first round playoff bye, and maybe even a playoff spot altogether. GOOD LUCK TALKING THIS ONE UP COLLINSWORTH! “Boy Al, those really were some great games we saw today… * sigh*”

Halfway through the game I want these teams to switch jerseys because nobody will notice any fucking difference because both quarterbacks will be consistently throwing to the other team anyway. FUCK. THIS. GAME. SO. HARD. Fuck this game so hard that it gets pregnant with a diamond-tipped drill. Fuck this game so hard that the NSA can’t crack the code that you fucked into it. Fuck this game so hard that Prince writes a fucking song about it because he saw how hard you fucked it and said “Wow, I can’t even fuck that hard and I’M FUCKING PRINCE!” I didn’t even want to get Prince involved but LOOK WHAT YOU DID, NBC! ARE YOU SATISFIED? FUCK.

NEW ORLEANS -3 vs. Baltimore

I just… I mean… I can’t even write about this fucking game. I’m still mad about the Sunday Night Game. Football Night in America my ass. You might as well replace that blue star with a fucking swastika you bunch of fucking fascists.