9/18/16

Fear, an emotion; I have never felt striking me with such a strong force before. Like the air gushing out of my systems without my will...like the sound of the unknown shrieking in my ears...like a consistent itch...Like I want it to stop..NOW...like i want to be absolved of the guilt that has been gnawing at my consciousness...paralysed by the fear of the act...

I speak for equality...I speak against the acts of horror against women...I speak for a community of men who do not speak on the idea of equal human rights...

But I fear...for I am a Man...a Man who fears the ire of the feminist brigade...a Man who fears the rejection from the community of brother hood....a Man who would be questioned on his orientation if he goes too far to support the cause of the "Pink" revolution...someone who would be looked at with queer eyes and questioning intentions...Courage is always the second step to change...the first is the acceptance within oneself, of and from the community of change...

I may even be seen as an opportunist....someone jumping on the bandwagon at the right time...someone who wants to make it big in the social sector..and what better a 'cause' to join than the issue of equal rights to women.

There is a reason I ended that sentence with a full stop before it finished logically. For it is no longer a matter of equality between 'sexes' or 'gender' that we address...It is still a question of a battle of "You vs Me". It is a debate that demands a solution that ends with "We".

But I fear to make that statement, because male chauvinism has a definition with as wide an interpretation as words can take...

We like...We share...We retweet....when a man blogs about a woman's rights...when a woman understands the challenges men face .... we appreciate those women who speak up and stand up against the challenges they face... But I fear to write about the fears of a man to jump into this battle...

And so I stand and watch...waiting to see which side does the weighing scale tilt and which side wins...and then maybe I shall shout out along with those who celebrate...but is it not the start of what we set out to end....exclusion from the mainstream consciousness of the society...What I need is to fight with you...for you...for the solution is not a win...the solution is an acceptance of exclusivity of the three circles in the Venn diagram...

The first circle representing "Gender", the second representing "Sex" and the third representing "Equal Human Rights"..for all of them are a part of the universal set...and each has its own integrity... but they can not cancel out each other...they need to co-exist as independent entities....

9/12/16

So this is how it feels to be that memory which fades away in Alzheimer.. This is how it feels to be eroded from someone's consciousness.. Like a snow ball loosing it's identity in a downhill fall..

So I had thought it would be.. But wasn't it supposed to be sudden.. Like you wake up one morning and you remember not the color of her Cardigan.. Or the pattern on his tie.. I always thought it would be like the morning hangover of a poorly thought off one night stand.. I never knew it would be like a wave vying to be the last to be remembered or forgotten in your memory on a beach...

So this is how it feels to be looking into the eyes and seeing not yourself but a perplexed look of faint recollection.. Of the scent of his cologne fading away.. Like the smell of her skin after shower fleeting away... Like the change of seasons so confusing.. When did the winter leave... Curling in the blanket... Waiting for the night to never be over... Where did the smell of a summer morning leave.. When did the rains fall.. So this is how it feels to be a memory that is lost to alzheimers

So this is how it feels to not finish a poem... To not let the words rest.. To be unsettled like a lingering wriggle of memory on the wall of his flight.. To be the veil of conscious negligence on her wall of her courage... So this is how it feels to not be...

Without tears he could not breathe... For the fears were way too heavy a lump in his throat... With the tears flowing... He only felt more empty... Like the treasures cherished for months had been lost... Like his life had slowly ebbed away... Like hopes had seeped out...but this time not as words which he could keep in his pen... But as water that would dry.. And leave no trace come the morn.. He felt emptier than he had thought he could feel.. The marks on the wall when he had screamed and scratched searing the burning rage forever into his memory... They now screamed on his face...and he felt blank as if it was a different him who had cried... As if it were not his finger marks on the wall.. As if he din know that animal.. He was after all a docile and honourable man...

The feathers from the torn pillow smeared along the floor of his room... The laughter of the maniac still echoing from the walls... Between reverberating silences of memory... Are u hurting they asked... And then took him into their embrace.. And he let go into the laughter he couldn't control... Insanity was not a refuge... It was home...

Intelligence they said can take you only so far...you needed to be mad to be in the reckoning... And so he laughed... The joker... The scars... The joy... The laughter... The bliss of oblivion... He slept... Sleep was after all an insufferable justice in the eyes of time...

Child - "What is the strange light, oh father!! which I see each night, when I try to fall into slumber?"

Father - " Its a spirit that resides in every soul,my child... As the darkness of the night takes over, it keeps burning like a fire driving the demons and phantoms of fear away !!"

Child - "But that's Batman..I saw the movie.. Is he real then?"

Father(Smiling) - " Yes my child, you call it Batman or Spiderman or Superman or your old Uncle Harry who keeps appeasing you with those pastries. You can call him anything you want to. It won't mind, because its the imagination of a child, most innocent and the reason your spirit is so strong, undiluted and pure, is because your spirits haven't lost the courage yet"

Father - " Oh yes you do !! They are like your guiding angels, they never leave you. It is we who leave for a walk in the woods and loose our way back home at times. Some say its the spirit that's lost in the jungle. "

Child - " Then do they get lost in the jungle forever?"

Father - "The Spirit in you is like your mother when she finds you fighting with Joseph and coming home with a broken tooth. She's furious 'coz she cares for us, more than you or I can see. She would shout at you and she would be crazy at Joseph, but she will tender your wounds and make that apple pie for you."

Child - " So, the spirit gets angry?"

Father - " Yes son, and we do to, for love and care is a sacred thing. But don't you worry lad, have you ever see Batman not come to aid when the night is dark?"

Child - " But I want to see the spirit. will it show its face?"

Father - " Come along son. Make the face as if you are a lion roaring and ready to pounce on anyone who tries to harm you. now look in the mirror. What you see is the spirit within you. And you know why we never see its face, because we fear, even ourselves, and a child does not fear himself. And that is why you always see the light at night. You have the power, son as do all of us. Its just that as we grow up, we loose our faith in the Batmans and the Supermans, because the world makes us believe in Truth and not in fantasies. So, son don't loose hope and never forget to look into the mirror like a lion, for the light is within you."

Mother - " Mr.philosopher, I told you to tell him a story.If you are having one of your strange talks with my child up there, I swear .... [;-)]

The night was outrageously humid.. Or were the minute pores of his skin draining out the searing memories he had stored so relentlessly within him.. Over years... Like a coveted prize...his precious..

The moon light tip toed into the cabinet of skeletons.. Had he left the doors open..he had never faltered in all these years.. or had the hinges finally given way... Rusted...his eyes closed.. The vision blurred even when he opened it.. The mist in his room.. He must be dreaming... It was the middle of a humid summer night...

Was he having an out of body experience.. He could see himself laughing...abrupt bursts mixed with sudden gush of emotions...uncontrolled..but he remembered.. Now he was lying back.. He had wanted to set free the emotional blockades for a night... But the mist was not so strong as his emotions should have been..

Perplexed he twisted in his mind... The worlds he saw did not make sense... For the future resembled his past and his present was obscured a vision of him sitting in a stream of ephemeral light... There was a stream.. A waterfall.. A bower... But no smell.. No sound.. For the future was shrieking and the past was melting...

And then he woke... The key had been turned... The red siren rang all around...The war had begun..but he already saw the battlefield inside his head.."Suit up.. We charge now" someone yelled..

Groggy he woke up.. The mist still hovering.. But why.. I am not a soldier.. I was but only dreaming, he thought as the bullet shot past his left ear...His mad laughter echoed and he closed his eyes telling himself again - "I am not a soldier"...

Ashk Decoded

Heya !! A writer, a poet with interests which swing from soft rock to trekking.A firm believer that technology can change our world for the better.A free spirit..exploring the possibilities of life !! Life journey from a Biology major in high school to Engineering in Graduation to now a Human Resource professional post MBA. But that's all the day ; a writer, thinker, tech buff, sports fanatic by the night !! Active in Social Development Sector, a voracious reader and a die-hard Manchester United fan !!

"Insanity was not a refuge... It was home...Intelligence they said can take you only so far...you needed to be mad to be in the reckoning" ~ Ashk

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