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Well, apparently you can’t use italics in the title here. So, just know that having a floating parenthetical phrase was not my first choice either.

I have a ton of stuff to do today. And tomorrow. And basically, for at least the next two and a half months. Though, when I think about it, I have a ton of stuff to do for the next 8 months. Yeah, for the rest of 2012, I have stuff to do. A lot of it. Then I can take a short break, but then, I’ll have even more stuff to do… for the rest of my life. Although, I’m purposefully being dramatic, it is quite overwhelming, really.

And so, I’m dealing with it my favorite way; by not doing any of it. Hence, here I am, writing about nothing in particular.

But, am I really ‘not doing anything’? If I take a moment and stop self flagellating, I have to admit that I’m engaging in productive, rather than unproductive procrastination. There really is a difference. When hulu is my procrastination tool de choix, I find myself slumped over in front of the computer; inert, stunned and stupefied, for hours on end. One inane show bleeds into the next. In the moment, I don’t even care about the inanity. In fact, the more inane, the better, for procrastination purposes.

When I’m in peak (read: unproductive) procrastination mode, I don’t want to think about problems that at all resemble mine. I want to stare at impossibly good looking people and get lost in their vacant eyes and tawdry (and imaginary) lives. I want to put my mind on ‘sleep’ mode, shovel food and my mouth, and just sit.

But, this (blogging) is different from that. As I previously implied, or rather, blatantly stated without further explanation, blogging is active. I’m forced to keep my mind ‘on’ as I attempt to transpose my thoughts into written language. In doing so, I must first introspect.

Scene break. I just spent 2 hours searching for a quote that I once posted on my facebook wall. Speaking of passivity! Ugh. I want those 2 hours back. I just kept getting the feeling that I was almost there. I’m simply struck by two things- 1) I used to post a ridiculous amount of status updates, and 2) my friends are really interesting and funny. I blame them for the 2 hours lost!

Seriously, though, I’m really frustrated right now. I’m becoming increasingly aware of my memory quirks. Maybe they’re far more universal than I realize? One of them is that I often remember things that I’ve read in a spacial manner. E.g., I might think of a particular work of art, but can’t remember the artist’s name. Instead, I’ll remember something like that there’s a short biography about said artist toward the end of the chapter on Byzantine art in my pre-renaissance art history book, on a right hand page, in the left inset column. Mind you, I took this course years ago, and actually lent the book to my friend for several years. Imagine my relief when she finally returned it! I just regained a huge part of “my memory”.

In my current situation, I’m trying to remember a quote. I remember it being relatively pithy (I have an otherwise nondescript image of it as being around 9-13 words or so, enough to fill one line and the beginning of the next, when posted as a facebook status) , written by a (transcendentalist, I think) philosopher. I remember the sentiment, and I think that I remember a few key words. Other than that, I’m at a loss. It’s hard to do a google search when you’re not even totally sure what you’re searching for. Trust me, I’ve tried. Hence, the 2 hours on facebook. I figured that I might have more luck finding it on my wall than google. To no avail. I remember that I posted it the same day that I posted a song by the band Neighborhood Council. I remember that it was around the holidays a year and a half ago. After scrolling through the past 14 months, facebook decided to pull a filibuster. Loading. Loading. Loading. Infinite loading.

Maybe one day I will stumble upon it, and simply make the quote stand on its own as a blog post. Victory will be had, even if extremely delayed.

Return to scene.

Introspection also has a way of getting me back in touch with what I want. It takes me away from the immediate, and serves as a warm up for my executive functions. ‘If you want A, you must do B. Doing C will, instead only get you D (where D is an unfavorable effect). C cannot get you A, so time spent doing C must, therefore, be limited, and time spent doing B must be increased.”

So, when I’m done with my “productive procrastination”, I’m already in the mindset of doing. I’ve created momentum, so I can just segue that into pure productivity. It’s like active rest for my brain.

But, I digress. A thousand times over.

So, I was listening to The Nerdist podcast the other day, and I heard Chris Hardwick say something about Janet Varney and “her” schtick about “adultessence”. And it just made me livid. Who the hell is this chick, and why is she using my stuff? Of course, just as soon as I thought the thought, I had to grapple with its irrationality. After all, thus far, only one person has looked at my blog. Before you start to pity me, and wonder why you’re wasting your time reading some low rent blog, just know that this is more or less the way that I want it, for now.

I’m attempting to write from a place of vulnerability and honesty… and that’s just hard to do for an audience. I have had blogs in the past, some of them with plenty of followers. It’s just that I don’t want people to read my writing because they like how I dress (one of my old blogs was a fashion blog), like my work outs, recipes and/or advice (yet another blog was a fitness and nutrition blog), because I commented on their blog, or because they are interested in me as a person (as in friends, family, and/or frenemies). Nope. I want people here because they want to be here for what is here. Because they relate, are interested in or entertained by what and how I am currently writing. If the above has not convinced you to stop pitying me, know that I have done no “marketing” for this blog. I post comments from a completely separate account. I have not posted the blog’s link anywhere, etc. Furthermore, the one person who read my blog “starred” it. Which means that my blog has a likeability of 100%. 😉

At any rate, unless that one person was Janet Varney, which I don’t think it is, her thought just emerged from the zeitgeist, just as mine did. And, one reader, if you are Janet Varney; you really ought to credit your sources.

Excuse my free form structure, but I want to jump back to the subject of my (decidedly not pitifully) unread blog. I may at some point, start giving people the link to this. Some posts that I will eventually write will feel very dear and very fragile to me. And so, I like the idea of leaving some time between writing it and allowing people that I know to read it. This way, I can always discount it. “Wow, I was so dramatic and naive 3 years ago. And let’s not even get started on my horrible syntax and meandering spiels!” Even in attempting to be vulnerable, I have to employ defense mechanisms! Ha. But, better than that, I’m hoping to, in time, become more comfortable with vulnerability and just be able to take ownership of my ideas, whole heartedly.