AMAZON

Monday, June 22, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

An unscrupulous businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”

He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…go paint my house.”

When Bernard got fired from his job of 30 years they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!

Afarmer from Iowa sent an advertisement to the newspaper that read, "Farmer, age 36, wishes to become acquainted with woman around 30 who owns a tractor. Please send a picture of the tractor."

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

The family was disturbed. Grandpa Ezra, aged seventy-five, decided to get married. What worried the relatives was the fact that the bride Ezra selected was a young, healthy twenty-two year old.

One of Ezra's sons cornered him and pleaded: "Look Paw, you must give this more thought. It's very serious. In fact, a thing like this could prove fatal!"

During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly collapsed on the street. Immediately a croud gathered and began offering suggestions.

"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.

"Give him some air," a man cried out.

"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.

Several other suggestions were made until the victim suddenly sat up and hollered, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?"

A radical feminist gets on a crowded bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

There were two high school sweethearts who dated chastely for all four years of high school. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast while the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident to him that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back.

But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

WISE WORDS

Sir Winston Churchill

To err is human, but it feels divine. ~ Mae West

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. ~ Will Rogers

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. ~ Abba Eban

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~ Unknown

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker. ~ Charles M. Schulz

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. ~ George Burns

What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you. ~ Nora Ephron

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know. ~ Will Rogers

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. ~ Rosanne Barr

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it. ~ Patrick Young

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. ~ Phyllis Diller

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail. ~ Fran Lebowitz

KATZ

Burma Update:A Burmese court has sentenced two supporters of opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi to 18 months in prison after they prayed for her release from prison.