Site FounderThe 10000 Daps Club

Time and again, when I meet guys in bars and clubs (or on dating apps, back when I was using them), nearly 100% of the time when it comes to meeting up for the “first date” they want me to come to their home to “hangout.” Is this the new norm?

Do I come across as “trade” for booty calls only, not to be seen with out in public?

Here’s a recent exchange I had with a dude I had just met the night before at a house party (I’m the blue texts):

Dude, we just met! Why are those the first two options?!

I mean, I get it. Some people are just more comfortable in private intimate spaces as opposed to the public. And we’re grown men who can keep our libidos in check in public, so why not in private as well?

However, to me, this always comes across as a transparent attempt to get a hookup. And if I wanted a hookup, there are far less time consuming ways to get one.

When a guy asks me to come over his place before we’ve even had a single conversation (besides yelling at each other over club music), that says “hookup” to me. Especially when he opens the door wearing just a tank top and basketball shorts:

Dude, are we going on a date or are we about to play defense? Which is it?

Am I overthinking that they just want sex?

Should I just smash and keep it moving, hoping that the sex will keep him around for an actual date later?

Maybe I’m just a prude who wants a little dinner and conversation first.

I’m not that much of a prude, though. I’ve often stated on this site that I don’t mind sex on the first date. But in my mind, the sex is the climax to a great day/night of getting to know the other person in a neutral setting (aka “the date”).

Kinda like this:

Some of you may be saying, “that’s just a TV show, not reality.” However, in the past, I’ve had many dates go exactly like this. Dates so dope, neither one of us wanted the day to come to an end.

What happened to going out for a drink:

Or how about going bowling together:

Again, I accept that I could be doing dating all wrong in 2018. So much has changed with technology and traditions over just the past 5 years, why should dating be any different?

We now live in a world where texting is considered “talking.” Men on this site have overwhelmingly said that they loathe talking to a dude on the phone, they prefer digital interactions instead. Our devices are connecting us more than ever, but traditional communication and social interactions seem to be breaking down.

Maybe I’m a relic of another time. Maybe the reality for gay men post 2018 is that when we tell our grandkids about how we first met we’ll say: “We both swiped right, he sent me nudes, I went to his place, we had sex, and the rest is history…”

Bae MaterialSquad LeaderThe 1000 Daps ClubSupporter

Most of the time, they are anticipating a hookup. Outside of that, they are either so DL/discreet that they feel uncomfortable meeting in person, are broke and would rather stay home than pay for food and drinks three times a week, or they're not broke but would rather it be something casual before investing, financially, in an actual date with a dude.

Usually, if a dude suggests meeting at his place for the first time, I will ask what are your intentions? Now that sounds like a harmless question but you would think I've insulted their mothers based on their reactions. No one wants to be clear on intentions. Maybe to keep all options open.

Great topic! I'd agree with your point that technology has helped erode some culture around dating, since now you can order in a meal and a person with the same device in about 5 minutes. The ease of sharing information that used to take longer to divulge changed the threshold of intimacy, especially as we're meeting people for the first time.

Bae MaterialSquad LeaderThe 100 Daps Club

I'm with you on this one Nick. I'm more of a traditional guy as well. Going to each others place on the first date doesn't work for me. If the guy is asking to meet at your place or his place before you even have the chance to get to know each other then its clear they are looking for sex more than anything else. I don't think there is anything wrong with going to each others place say like on the 3rd or 4th date but even still for me in that situation I'm probably not looking to have sex if I'm interested in dating the guy. You would think this type of behavior is more so limited to guys who are on the hookup apps. But there are some gay dudes who are looking to date and prefer to meet up in this fashion which is crazy to me. I used to come across this when I was younger and first started talking to guys. Most of the guys that I meet now at least in my experience are looking to go out on a real date on the first meeting and not just get comfortable at my place or his place.

First dates are always in public for me. I prefer to go out a do stuff, and it doesn't have to be at a resturant.

I would say it's a mixed bag for me. Most guys I talked to from the apps wanted to meet at someone's crib. When I used the apps, I usually suggested a coffee house to meet. My thinking was that it's not expensive and you can leave if you are not feeling the other person. Most of the people on the apps would not even want to meet there. So we never met. But a few guys did go and most of the time they went well. Only once, I meet someone at the coffee house, and I wasn't really felling him, so I didn't stay that long. Once or twice, the other person never showed up.

It's about the same for the guys that I meet somewhere in public (bar, club, or wherever). Some are willing to go on a date, while others want to chill at the crib.

Squad LeaderBest Thread CreatorThe 1000 Daps Club

When I would meet dudes on apps, I usually would ask to meet in a public place. I wouldn't want a serial killer knowing where I live or be trapped in a serial killer's house. But, if I meet someone in the real world or if I've been talking to someone for a while and can comfortably verify their identity, I'd be okay with meeting at one place or another. It gives more privacy and the chance to get to know each other without the pressure of censoring yourself in public. We're still two men on a date in public. And yes, sometimes sex happens. But that's okay. Holding out for sex or giving in on the first night isn't going to make or break something. This isn't some puritanical relationship where things must remain pure before sex. If dude only wanted sex and not a relationship, you're not gonna change that. Move onto someone who does.

Squad VeteranMost Valuable PlayerThe 1000 Daps ClubSupporter

I have dated and every time the first date has been in public. I would never oblige for going to a man's house on the first date. I learned from @Nick Delmacy and @OckyDub years ago that it most likely leads to one thing.

I enjoy going to dinner, the movies, bowling, going to a park, having coffee or strolling around the city. Those are the BEST dates.

I kind of get both aspects. I think that depending on the person and depending on the communication beforehand, a person can come to your house on the first meet. Yes, usually an immediate suggestion of "chilling at home" insinuates sex. Yet, I want to leave open the possibility that with the right person, the suggestion could be okay. That being said, whenever I've went on a proper date, both of us immediately assumed that we would meet out in the world...I wonder if a profile that specifies that I want a proper date only.. would have an effect.

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I'm not okay with inviting new people to mi casa. It's not about my being super discreet it's about my belief in establishing clear boundaries, my comfort level in my space, and reasonable trust in that individual. Especially in a climate which people are motivated by materialism and aren't transparent. Could be casing your spot or set you up as a mark. I've got to really know you for a while before I extend an invitation to my home. Home is my sanctuary. No trick scrub will violate its sanctity.

Juan: Your point about establishing clear boundaries is def. important. I also think that I hadn't even thought about the symbolism regarding boundaries, etc, that this conveys. I definitely hadn't thought about the whole 'mark' issue. I tend to chat with goodie-two-shoe type guys, but it still is probably a good idea to be super careful. great points.

Site FounderThe 10000 Daps Club

Just in the last couple weeks I went on a few dates with a young guy (over 30) who each time we were planning to meet, he volunteered my place as a venue. Complete stranger. Barely had any conversations.

He never asked if he could come over, never even offered his own spot up, he just boldly INVITED HIMSELF over to my home each time to "hang out and watch a movie." And this was a guy who claimed he wasn't looking for a hookup or to mess around.

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1 -- i have a difficult time believing in a pre-social media heyday when self-identified masc gay men primarily went on dates. yes, technology has shifted the entire culture of dating -- gay and str8 -- and communicating in general but i just don't envision 'the date' as the dominant norm among masc men at any time in the past.

2 -- i don't see the inherent problem in this text exchange. dude made a suggestion (perhaps assumption) based on his past experience and/or on yall exchange at the bar. couldn't you have just responded: "since we don't know each other, how about...?" then his response would let you know if he is equally yoked. i wonder if you live too much in your head during these experiences. no judgment as i can be very heady myself.

3 -- maybe you should be more clear on the front end to circumvent these frustrations. in early convo, ask them what their idea of a date is and be clear that you are looking to date -- all this without being intense of course.

4 -- fyi the majority of my first "dates" have been in-house and generally i'm not sleeping with the dudes immediately.

Squad VeteranMost Valuable PlayerThe 1000 Daps Club

He never asked if he could come over, never even offered his own spot up, he just boldly INVITED HIMSELF over to my home each time to "hang out and watch a movie." And this was a guy who claimed he wasn't looking for a hookup or to mess around.

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Didja hookup or naw tho??

I have gone on several Out in the World dates. I don't mind chilling at the house but I like activities and car rides. Sitting around watching movies at home is not a date to me. If you can't meet me for a snack or activity we probably won't connect at first.

I have no problem with a hookup or going to the house after we meet up somewhere but at first I'd prefer being at a neutral location.

So I wonder if this is part paranoia for some guys? Atlanta is sprawled enough where you can go to a place to eat that is not oneiof either parties' haunts so no worries about running into someone you know. But it's amazingly to me me how few gays know what is out in the Atlanta area behind midtown and the inner perimeter.

Maybe guys are thinking too much about the word "date" but it does not mean that we're sharing an ice cream sundae with two long spoons. There's plenty of shit one can do that doesn't involve hand holding in the park and guess what? No one else will know Y'all on a date except for other gay men who'll pick up on it and that's if they are paying attention.

Site FounderThe 10000 Daps Club

1 -- i have a difficult time believing in a pre-social media heyday when self-identified masc gay men primarily went on dates. yes, technology has shifted the entire culture of dating -- gay and str8 -- but i just don't envision 'the date' as the dominant norm among masc men ever.

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You're right. This is a fair point. I could be in the minority with this. I can only speak from my experience, and as a person who has always been both a hypochondriac and paranoid about getting robbed, beaten or worse by strangers on dating sites and chat lines, I've almost always met in public first.

Probably doesn't help to have friends in the police dept who tell me that most of their calls are about robberies related to craigslist and grindr hookups. I can vividly remember being EXTREMELY on guard the few times that I did go to the guy's house/apt on the first meet-up.

In my younger days, typically we met in a parking lot somewhere (which is also dangerous) or at a bar. Even when we both said that we could host on our profiles, I always assumed that this means "one day in the future after we've met in person."

Call it a "date" or just "hanging out," for about a good 7-8 years most of the men I met always suggested a public venue. Only recently have I been seeing the guys volunteering each other's homes as a first option. Also, I want to stress that I'm referring to complete strangers that I've met on apps or sites. Not guys I've met at house parties or through mutual friends.

Site FounderThe 10000 Daps Club

Maybe guys are thinking too much about the word "date" but it does not mean that we're sharing an ice cream sundae with two long spoons. There's plenty of shit one can do that doesn't involve hand holding in the park and guess what? No one else will know Y'all on a date except for other gay men who'll pick up on it and that's if they are paying attention.

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This! That word has been tripping up guys on this site since we first started blogging.

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First, Nick, it’s not “paranoid” to meet in a public place. Not only is it safer, but you get to know right away how someone acts in public, which I think is a good barometer of future activities. If they’re an asshole in public (or as old folk used to say, show their ass), well you know what a shit they are in private (principle applies to coworkers as well lol).

1 -- i wonder if you live too much in your head during these experiences. no judgment as i am.

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Yes!! I think many of us gravitated to CA exactly because we’re that type, otherwise we’d be on Queerty or some other typical lame gay site lol. That being said,if you recognize it in yourself, it’s easier to meet folks.

Finally, I agree that the word “date” is loaded. Thinking back on it, not to be racial, but it seems like white phrasing. Even when I was younger, I only recall people saying they were going out or going together. Date was something Archie and Jughead would say I’m a comic book or the cast of “Happy Days”...

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Just in the last couple weeks I went on a few dates with a young guy (over 30) who each time we were planning to meet, he volunteered my place as a venue. Complete stranger. Barely had any conversations.

He never asked if he could come over, never even offered his own spot up, he just boldly INVITED HIMSELF over to my home each time to "hang out and watch a movie." And this was a guy who claimed he wasn't looking for a hookup or to mess around.

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But Nick, do you ever tell these guys how you see that behavior, or just leave them in the dark and bring it to us on the site?

Site FounderThe 10000 Daps Club

Finally, I agree that the word “date” is loaded. Thinking back on it, not to be racial, but it seems like white phrasing. Even when I was younger, I only recall people saying they were going out or going together. Date was something Archie and Jughead would say I’m a comic book or the cast of “Happy Days”...

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I specially use the word “date” because I despise the “hanging out” phrase, which I feel is more loaded and full of ambiguity. Obviously I use it sparingly since it carries so much weight, especially with masculine men. But if they ever say “let’s hang out” to me, I immediately say, “just to be clear, if we’re just hanging out, we’re just homies.” Usually they rephrase after that, unless they really just wanted to hookup all along.

But Nick, do you ever tell these guys how you see that behavior, or just leave them in the dark and bring it to us on the site?

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Yeah, the guy I mentioned above, I told him, “let ME invite you over to MY home, don’t invite yourself.” I mean, the nigga could be a vampire! Haven’t these dudes seen Fright Night and The Lost Boys?! LOL

Suffice it to say, it didn’t work out with him. But for reasons other than his self invitation. Let’s just say there was a reason I didn’t want him to know where I lived upfront...he would know my residence yet I wouldn’t know where he lived, what he drove, where he worked or even his real name. Giving me a false name was just the first red flag.

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I have no problem with a hookup or going to the house after we meet up somewhere but at first I'd prefer being at a neutral location.

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This. I don't understand why some guys find it so difficult to at least grab a drink first and chop it up for an hour or two, flirt a lil bit, and explore heavy anticipation before getting right to it. I'm not tryna fall in love, I just wanna know who tf I'm messing with literally and figuratively.

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I didn’t mean it to be. I’m a very forthright person in life and try to eliminate bullshit upfront on everything from relationships to dealing with coworkers. I was once told I had Aspergers as I have “no screen” and generally don’t lie or gossip, lol.

I just meant to encourage forthrightness, which might put off most people who believe lying and duplicity are “social graces”, but life is so much easier when you nip shit in the bud from start. All you have to do is look at any episode of “Maury”, “Paternity Court”, “Judge Mathis”, etc. to see the amount of lying that heterosexual couples engage in and where it leads, let alone adding a gay drama layer to encounters.

The 1000 Daps Club

I didn’t mean it to be. I’m a very forthright person in life and try to eliminate bullshit upfront on everything from relationships to dealing with coworkers. I was once told I had Aspergers as I have “no screen” and generally don’t lie or gossip, lol.

I just meant to encourage forthrightness, which might put off most people who believe lying and duplicity are “social graces”, but life is so much easier when you nip shit in the bud from start. All you have to do is look at any episode of “Maury”, “Paternity Court”, “Judge Mathis”, etc. to see the amount of lying that heterosexual couples engage in and where it leads, let alone adding a gay drama layer to encounters.

Side note: Amazing how so many people lie as easily as breathing

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I'm pretty sure she didn't push them kids cus she knew she had the resources to get them in wherever lmao. Actually the only lie she told was, "I tell my kids to do their best and that's all you can do."

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I'm pretty sure she didn't push them kids cus she knew she had the resources to get them in wherever lmao. Actually the only lie she told was, "I tell my kids to do their best and that's all you can do."

And yea, I was just poking fun at you lol

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No worries, they say missing subtle clues and body language is part of Aspergers ...

Bae MaterialSquad LeaderThe 1000 Daps ClubSupporter

Honestly, I just think most dudes are so jaded that they are reluctant to spend money on something that's bound to go nowhere. Personally, this is why I changed my approach to dating or at least going on the first date. In the past, I would spend way too much on a dude that was totally busted and a waste of time. Of course I wouldn't know that until the date. Now, I have a pretty clear limit on what i'm gonna spend on a first meeting with someone. I can understand why dudes resort to house meetups because it costs no money, you get to scope out where they live to see if they have money and if the decision is made to have sex, you're already onsite.

As has been stated on here by multiple people, first time meetings at someone's place is no longer an option for me. I took the plunge, twice before, and ended up in neighborhoods that were totally unsafe. Of course I didn't know the city that well when I moved here. The last time, I didn't even go in. I placed a quick call to let dude know that we could meet out somewhere in public.