Porn Sex Isn't Real Sex & My Lover Kira's First Double Penetration

This morning I found an interview on fleshbot.com. It's on porn star, Bobbi Starr's new video, a guide to double penetration. That interview, from my perspective on sex, made my jaw drop. It was one of those candid exchanges you get on what's really happening in that world, at least to Bobbi Starr, and how little the majority of the sex done there has to do with what I consider to be the best of what great real life sex has to offer. If men want to do things like double penetration with women, then they have to go out and learn how to do it right so she will love doing it too.

Carlin was saying this morning, after showing her this interview, how so many women experience bad anal sex or not ideal and never go back to it. Or, they put up with the discomfort because he likes it. I said, mostly because men make incorrect, lust-driven assumptions on the speed and depth they can go and lube amounts.

Here are snippets of that interview and my analysis proceeding each in italics. Again, click here for the full interview. This isn't an indictment of Bobbi. I feel, absolutely, that she's being as honest as she can be and I'd like to see her guide to DP. It's an indictment of her industry, the sex that comes out of it, and a different perpective to those who seek sex advice from porn sources.

Bobbi Starr: My first on camera DP was with 3 really hot ladies for Kink.com. Again failure. But this time it was my fault—in a matter of speaking. I couldn't relax. It started to feel too tense. I was uncomfortable and cramping. I whimped out.'I whimped out?' There is no concept of self-defeatist attitudes in real anal sex when you stop because it hurts or isn't pleasurable. What does this say about the attitudes on a porn set? STFU and take it to get the scene in the can so we can all go to lunch? I've seen soooo many anal sex scenes in porn that are exactly that. Even if this is a necessary attitude based on the logistics of a shoot, it's still proof that porn sex does not in the greatest measure support real sex. Further, if a man reads this, he could logically assume that not whimping out is something that's just part of anal sex and then, he goes and tells his wife or girlfriend that. Jesus....

Bobbi Starr: My first successful DP was with Erik Everhard for Vince Vouyer for a movie called "In Through the Back Door"—I think it was #2. Erik DPed me with his penis and a massive black mushroom head dildo. It was so hot and felt so good.

Nice, Erik! So yes, there are times were porn sex can be good. However, it's not a priority and definitely not a requirement. I'll also note here that this DP was with one man and a dildo he was piloting. To this day, I've never seen two penises involved in a double penetration shot that impressed me. That made me say, "THAT'S good sex technique." Over and over it's one guy moving with fervor inside her ass and the other struggling down below inside her vagina, or not moving at all due to side differences between him and the other man coupled with how they're positioned or moving together. Ocassionally a stable rhythm is established between the two men, but is the lube consistency correct? Are they moving too fast too soon? Plus, not that this is always required, but when it's there, it's very, very much appreciated: clitoral stimulation. Was Bobbi rubbing or vibing her clitoris? One of the most startlingly magical things about anal sex for women as I teach it is how much more pleasurable it becomes the moment quality clit stim is joined with it. Once again, to this day, I've never seen a porn movie do a double penetration scene that way. Maybe at best it's temporary stimulation. Never all the way to her orgasm. I'm looking forward to being involved in further erotic sex ed productions where we create precisely that as a model of what could be in erotic video.

Bobbi Starr: The next few DP were difficult but more successful. I needed to learn how to relax. I would say it took me about 6 months of working in porn, constantly doing anal and some DPs scattered through out and I finally figured it out. You need to RELAX and give in to the sensations. After I had the epiphany I was open to a world of amazing sensation.

This is the part where my jaw dropped. 'The next few DP were difficult.' First problem, if there is difficulty, you stop or find another way. From my perspective, whoever taught her to begin with left a lot to be desired. 'I needed to learn how to relax.'How I teach anal sex doesn't approach it that way. You can relax your ass only so much and there are stages the rectum and lower bowel go through on its own pace toward deeper and deeper relaxation that is beyond the control of the recipient. What I do agree with is when she said you have to give in to the sensations. More on that when I blog on my night with Kira. However, that also assumes the sensations are not painful. Now, when she said it took her 'about six months working in porn, constantly doing anal and DP's to figure it out....' Six months?! And now she's teaching this to people? How long did it take my lover Kira to fall in love with double pen and anal sex? Within two incredible hours.

I recently shared an amazing weekend with my lover Kira where she had double penetration and anal intercourse for the first time in her life. In short, she had the Mystic Wand on her clitoris, which she bought from me after our first night together. Her apple ass was open and lubed perfectly, her pussy was soaked and ready and within about five seconds of double penetration rolling slowly inside her, Kira had her third orgasm of the evening, her first from double penetration. Then one more a few minutes later. She wasn't done coming for the evening, but I'll stop there. I asked Kira while we were moving her bottom along its erotic journey if she was ever in pain to tell me. Never was. Why? Because we weren't doing more than her ass was ready for. We were moving at its pace, not ours. I've left all the incredible anal sex stories about what Olivia and I do, off the net at the moment, because I teach much of that to my clients and am preparing it for my book.

Turning off the italics, to reiterate to men, if you want to experience this kind of advanced sex, do so from a perspective of caring about the woman you're doing it with and her pleasure, not just your own. That's what makes her want to to it again and appreciate you in her life because she can't have that sophisticated pleasure with just any man on the street.

Here on D&R we say things like porn isn't sex ed or to be mistaken for sex advice. However, porn companies are putting their starlets up in front of the camera to teach sex. I've watched some sex how to's that involve porn stars teaching and/or modeling the sex and my position is, (Nina Hartley not withstanding) they mention some good basic to intermediate information and when it's time to do advanced sex, the details are sparse. What annoys me the most is when there's a sex educator on screen giving guidance, it cuts to the sex scenes, and the porn stars are doing their own thing. The sex bears little to no resemblance to what was just discussed. Nor does it show how pieces fit together.

[i]Join Eric Amaranth's Facebook Page[/i]For those new to my blog, I write on my and others' sex life, in erotica form, because many of us need only read of an example of what really is possible. It so often lights a desire to "Want to do that. Feel that." A want to learn how to have better sex through sex advice and sex education, maybe for the first time in their lives. I also intend to present to my readers the reality of great sex at any level of sophistication. I'm not a sex therapist, I don't do sex therapy. I'm a sex life consultant. I teach and I do.

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Dear Eric,
Thank you so much for this post. I am continually moved by your writing, as your viewpoints represent those of a truly conscious, enlightened, feminist man. I wish there were more men like you - I wish there were more women like you! :-)
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you write. It's sad that Bobbi Starr has forced herself through so many unpleasant encounters instead of taking the time and having the confidence to to stand up for herself and fuck on her own terms, at her own pace, at her own pleasure. As a woman, I refuse to see myself or be seen as a victim. I am a responsible adult, and I am accountable for my own actions. Time and again I see my sisters not standing up for their own well-being, thereby committing acts of violence or at the very least violations against themselves. This breaks my heart. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? Take care of yourself first, in every sense of the word.
Love and gratitude to you, Eric - for being a sensitive caring creature, and for spreading the word.
L.M.

Unfortunately they forget that it wasn't really designed for sex by nature, and you have to be extra careful.

AMBER: Anal sex. I love it. I can’t explain why… It’s
just a hell of a lot more sensitive. The nerve-endings in the vagina
are obviously much more plentiful, but there’s just something about
taking it in the ass… I can honestly take a bigger cock in my butt than
I can in my pussy. Which is weird. I love doggy-style sex. But taking
doggy in the ass… There’s no comparison. It’s just so dirty and feels
so fucking good. It takes a moment for me to prepare, but once I’ve got
it warmed-up, my ass says “hello love!”

..

AMBER: I don’t know if it’s gross or terrifying. The
other day I was shooting an anal scene — piledriver position — and when
I flipped-over to take it doggy, I heard one of the P.A.’s say “dude,
she’s bleeding.” I turn around and I see blood on my ankle. Everybody’s
freaking out telling me to go to the doctor, but I’m not in pain. I’m
feeling fine. By then, there was blood literally pooling on the floor
beneath me. So I ran to the bathroom to wash off, and the P.A. was
sweet enough to help. He had been an EMT and said he thought there was
a small gash in there. So I had to go get stitches in my ass. But I’m
okay now. The only other time I bled was when I was deep-throating a
cock that was just a little too big. We were also going a little bit
too rough. Before we started the scene, the guy I was working with told
me “just tap my leg if it gets too intense.” So we start going and I’m
upside-down, doing the deep throat. Suddenly, something doesn’t feel
right so I tap his leg. He starts saying “Yeah baby! Spank my ass!” And
I’m thinking “oh fuck…” So when he finally pulls-out, a river of blood
comes cascading down my face. I had torn the back of my throat open

Reading the post of the previous person based on an interview porn start Amber Rayne did makes me a physically ill. How a person can be engaging in anal or oral sex to the point that blood is 'pouring' or 'pooling' outside of them is not only disgusting, but it's higly irresponsible of said independent woman.

This is why i can see both sides of the feminist argument in regards to pornography. Yes, there is plenty of porn where women are exercising their right to enjoy sex AND make a living, but there is plenty where women are used for their bits and pieces for the sole purpose of getting men off, consequences be damned, including ruptured throats and tearing rectums. It really does make me sick to think that a woman can care so little for herself that she'd push her body to the literal breaking point.

Eric, it's amazing the work that you do. It's my fervent wish that you continue to educate us in how to properly prepare our bodies for all sorts of advanced sex. Also, that you continue to make movies that are not only beautiful to watch but highly educational. My guess is had my own experience with anal been experienced in such a caring and gentle manner i'd probably, to this day, enjoy it a helluva lot more.

As someone who works in the porn industry, and actually started by doing anal, I would like to step in defense of Bobbi Starr.

Eric, it's like you said. Porn sex isn't real sex. So, obviously, if we see it this way, then it's pretty easy to pick apart what Bobbi said about her experiences and interpret it as some sort of horror story. But, much of what she said is taken out of context, Plus, it's damaging to the support needed for the sex industry by "sex positive" people like you and your readers. The comments left here are an example of how portraying a porn star like some victim of a heartless industry can spread negative feelings about porn like a virus.

It should be remembered that porn sex is real sex; that's true. But the reasons why we have sex are quite different than those of other people, even other sex workers. As a performer, we want to demonstrate our sexual diversity. And, because porn epitomizes the act of looking at something we're not supposed to look at and performing acts we shouldn't perform, many performers will explore sex acts like anal because that's what people want to see (whether they like it or not). And, its popularity reflects this.

That means that many performers will want to buttfuck and perform DP because this is what's popular amongst viewers. Many performers go into it for the first time and hate it. Some of us actually enjoy it. That, actually, is similar to the sex life of a civilian. You're not always guaranteed a great sexual experience, no matter how many sexual techniques you learn. Same thing goes for porn.

When Bobbi talks about whimping out, I understand completely. It's not meant to reflect some negative vibe in the porn industry. Porn stars are having sex for sport, for performance. We're not doing anal because we want to see if it's pleasurable. We're doing it because we can. It's purely physical. When I was in porn, I chickened out of my first double anal 3some with two guys. No one saw it as a bad thing. From sheerly a business angle, if a performer doesn't perform an act that they are being paid to do (i.e. girl who does anal scene decides not to do it for whatever reason), then that's a loss of a scene, which is a loss of money and time. It can be frustrating for any pornographer from that point of view. In her interview, did she ever say that she was fired or threatened or harassed by her director because she "whimped out?" If not, then we shouldn't assume that the STFU or take it attitude here applies here, because it always doesn't, regardless of what you see in porn.

Also, why gang up on her because she didn't have incredible dp sex in two hours? Why is that such a bad thing? Of course, you weren't there, so why are we surprised? But, remember, like you said.. this isn't like real sex. A porn star can be in hundreds of movies within a year of working in the industry. That means she's having more sex than the average person and, most importantly, she's doing at times and under conditions that don't always elicit arousal (try getting ready for dp at 10am in the morning on a tuesday on a film set). I would have sex with people I'm meeting for the first time on set. I didn't go on dates with my partners. There is no seduction other than what is scripted or rehearsed. And, there were some performers I fucked that I didn't really like. Considering this, wouldn't it make sense that it would take Bobbi longer to get used to DP in her line of work? I don't understand why this reflects poorly on the industry.

As for the interview with Amber, it's another interview completely butchered and taken out of context. Why are you condemning her when there are men who are famous the world around for shoving firecrackers up their asses and abusing their bodies for fame and pay? They're pushing their bodies to the breaking point, and yet she's the fucked up one because she's having sex and she's a porn star. Sex-positive, my ass. Can we please not be so dramatic? Of course this isn't going to happen in the bedroom. You people aren't fucking like porn stars. These are concerns that are exclusively in the industry and we have a different perspective.

I also like how no one considers how helpful the crew had been to her and how concerned they were for her welfare.

Unfortunately, like anyone else in any other industry, there are performers who don't necessarily like what they do but want to because they need the money. There's nothing wrong with that. And if they do have a bad experience, it doesn't mean that pornography essentially is wrong. If anything, we as a society should find ways of making the adult industry better for those entering it. So, let's not spread an anti-porn attitude.

As a porn performer, I can say that there are some changes that do need to happen in the industry. But, I can also say that as a writer reflecting on that particular field. I'm sure Eric can disagree with some of the people or practices in body work or sex work. Betty could surely find some discrepancies in her field. There are always going to be people in any industry that truly disservice that industry and lower its standards. But does this mean we need to meticulously judge that industry as a whole? Does that seem fair? Of course not. Because, we know that we can have really positive experiences in our field. And we can make a difference in some way. However, the porn industry is far more scrutinized than any other industry because of those bad apples, and it turns allies (like feminists) into those who actually end up hurting the industry. Being anti-porn isn't productive; it's not a solution. Interpreting the experiences of one performer as negative and then using it to conclude some blanketed opinion about the industry is completely unfair and rather ignorant.

So, will you kindly not degrade the work of porn stars because they're not having "real sex?" As I've explained, they don't need to. It isn't their job to teach you about sex, neither is porn required to be educational. What's funny about this particular entry is that you guys make a point of saying that porn sex isn't real sex (like it's a bad thing); and yet you all seem to desperately degrade the porn sex because it is so different. How is that healthy?

a long time. Some female performers can reject male talent, because they talk to each other and they know who is nice & clean etc. Women are the stars who get paid 2-3 times as much and men are just attachments.

1) It isn't my job to have an orgasm. It's my job to fuck on camera. I can still enjoy it, and I have numerous times. But, this doesn't mean that every sexual experience will be a walk in the park. Again, you need to understand I'm having sex for a very different reason than you are. Sex isn't going to have the same expectations for me as it does for you. But, this doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying myself and you can't either.

Also, if a viewer isn't enjoying it, then they need to find porn that makes them feel good. There's too much porn out there to assume that all of it or most of it isn't enjoyable. Most porn isn't shown like movies anymore, they're clips. Meaning the content is sometimes smaller, and you can find porn for free. So, if you're not enjoying it, then it's not the industry's fault.

2) So, if someone listens to Marilyn Manson's album Antichrist Superstar, then shoots somebody and blames it on the music, is Manson really to blame? I know it's a stretch to compare music to porn; but, the example you mentioned is no different. If someone assfucks the "wrong way" because they watched a porno where the same performer does the exact same thing, then you seem to blame it on the porn and not the guy himself. So, let's take a step back.

As mentioned before, it isn't the responsibility of the pornographers or performers to teach you how to have sex. Pornography never had that responsibility; in fact, earlier works of erotica actually meant to elicit laughter, not pleasure because these acts weren't exercised by high society. Now, porn is used to get us off. Pure and simple. It doesn't have to show you the enema that porn star has given herself. It won't show you how much lube they've use (always wonder why their anuses are so magically wet). Again, it's not there to teach you how to have better sex; it's there to act as a fantasy for you to get off.

The appeal of spit is the same appeal people have for hard fucking and the lack of appeal for seeing condoms or extra time using lube. It's quick, it's dirty and it's less time spent on prep and more time spent on the actual sex. Porn is meant to show you the side of sex that doesn't exist, an alternate universe where you can just jump into any hole or onto any cock and pound without worrying about nuisances like lube and condoms (if we never needed them, they wouldn't be in the picture).

So, if your guy decides to only use spit AND it's uncomfortable for you, don't blame porn. Blame sex education for not providing us with enough information about anal sex, and re-educate your man so he knows how to use porn for his fantasies, not to buttfuck you.

3) Please don't assume that a performer is in pain because she "looks" like it. That's not an accurate way of registering another's sexual experience. Besides, if you watched me having sex, it would sound like I'm crying and my face isn't always smiles. Why? Because I'm fucking and that's what happens when I have a good fuck; it sounds like I'm fighting and/or dying. ;D I don't like a dry fuck either, but hey someone else out there probably does. Will they use this in the bedroom? Hopefully not. And I also hope that their partner would kick said viewer's butt should this occur. But, realize again that because you see something you don't like in porn, that doesn't mean that porn has failed us and it doesn't mean that the performer is actually in pain.

Also, in regards to the financial differences in male and female porn stars - it's true, the female will get paid more but guess who will have the longer career? The guy. Not many men can get hard and come on command unless they've trained themselves to. So, a guy who can do this can last a long time in this business. Women, however, are more often relied on for their looks and sexuality. Very few girls who start in this business know how to carry this sexuality over in the older years. Stars like Nina Hartley, however, are able to carry that sexuality over. She's a pro! A woman who is in the business for the long run may need to rely on heavy PR, book deals, and other crossover tools that will keep her in the limelight, but won't require her to perform on camera as much. Of course, there are niche markets with strong demographic, but that demographic also tends to be smaller because it's a niche. So, it goes either way. :)

My position in regards to porn is simply as stated.... it's hard for me to be supportive of any woman who chooses to allow her body to be injured for money, or sport, or entertainment. Just as i cannot find it within me to be accepting of a physically abused woman who continues to accept such treatment from lover after lover. While i may understand WHY she does it, i do not find it acceptable or worthy of my support.

One can be both for porn and against elements that exist within the industry. Just like i'm for this country, but extremely loathe elements of our social and foreign policy. As a woman and a feminist, i have very little say in how the porn industry operates, as most pornographers are male and are selling to other men and so only concern themselves with 'what sells' to those men. I make my 'vote' known by being supportive of female led and driven porn where pleasure is the goal. The camera angles and lighting might not be the best, BUT you can actually tell the female participant is sexually aroused and eagerly pursuing her orgasm.

The issue Eric brought up was that there is a new side to porno movies. Movies labeled as 'educational tools' but featuring well known stars. His issue was that the movies injure the sort of work he does, which is true education. These sex education tapes that exist in the world of porn are heavy on the fucking and very scant on the information a couple would truly need to make their butt-fucking pleasurable. And while i can't speak for Eric, i'm not sure he wants the sort of work that he and Betty do to be illegitimized in the world of education and viewed as porn, at first glace. The lifetime of work Betty has dedicated herself to has been to get women to truly love and enjoy themselves and sex, without apology or compromise.

And while i'd never hate on a woman who chooses to make her money through sport fucking, without regard to pleasure or even interest, i can't say that i understand it. Kudos, indeed, to the crew who showed some care that she was freely bleeding and in need of stitches. It's the sort of care i'd expect on any job site if a person were injured.

Feminists shouldn't blanketly support the porn industry or any industry for that matter, just because it's an area that has allowed some women social and monetary freedom. It's not all of nothing. At least not for this feminist. One ceases to advance gender and sexual equality for women when one abuses their body for the sexual enjoyment of men without regard to their physical health and safety, much less pleasure. Of course, assuming, as you mentioned, that most porn actresses aren't really experiencing pleasure from the acts they do on tape. (the other side of the coin are those interested in BDSM where pain and a modicum of abuse are not only sought but found pleasurable....but that isn't what was being discussed)

I'm a man and I have to admit I turned to porn in the past to find
answers how a female orgasm looked like. After all that talk in
society about women not orgasming, I was surprised that some even
came from foreplay in real life. It's an easy way turn to porn,
but from a research point of view you have to comb through a lot of
material to find something of value.

Even looking just at masturbation scenes annoyed me, because a lot
of the girls just looked pretty, while using a vibrator just for
penetration and faked a moaning orgasm. What is the point of faking a
masturbation scene? I never understood it.

All hell brakes loose if the man doesn't ejaculate in porn, but if
the women don't come nobody cares. I know it's difficult to show, but
still the under-representation always amazed me. How can this change
and how can a customer demand something, if he hasn't seen it before
?

I know porn has changed and is evolving constantly. That porn is
delivered in clips seems logical, because you had to fill up a whole
DVD and customers had to buy scenes from performers they weren't
interested in.

But quality content is also coming back, like Will Ryder with his
sitcoms coupled with good acting and entertaining plots.

I guess if people want real sex and real people, they can still
watch amateur content. Which seems to be popular just for this reason.

That porn was there elicit laughter is something I didn't know,
I'm only aware of making fun of bad acting and plots or making fun of the sex
industry and their performers on sites like xxxporntalk for example
run by

JM producer Tony Malice has
said it does not produce extreme content for extremity's sake, they
produce it because there is a demand for this sort of content. Malice
says consumer demand for extreme content has been driven by an excess
of Vanilla sex[5]content, produced by more mainstream studios.

Angela S, you say - "Reading the post of the previous person based on an interview porn start Amber Rayne did makes me a physically ill. How a person can be engaging in anal or oral sex to the point that blood is 'pouring' or 'pooling' outside of them is not only disgusting, but it's higly irresponsible of said independent woman."

irresponsible? when the blood was pooling, she said she was not in pain and hadn't even realised this was happening. it's not like she was in pain and continued to let it happen - and when the blood was pouring, it was because the jerk she was shooting the scene with didn't stop even though she tapped him on the leg to let him know he needed to stop! how is that "highly irresponsible" of HER?!

Thank you, Louise, for pointing this out. These women are being honest and open in their interviews for the sake of relating their stories, NOT to be judged by people who somehow perceive that they're abusing their bodies... WTF? but that sounds like a fucked up perspective to me.

No matter how you want to describe it's function, mainstream pornography does not promote what I would call a progressive approach to female sexuality, quite the opposite. I am anti-censorship and INDIVIDUALS should be free to pay their rent/bills in any ethical way they see fit. That's the argument you should use, not the argument that you are liberating female sexuality or empowering women because that's what logic would call bullshit. I'm tired of hearing that selfish sex is in the interests of women if she's getting paid for it. It's in the interests of the INDIVIDUALS who are getting paid for it.

Thanks to Eric for a refreshing and progressive approach to female sexuality:
"Turning off the italics, to reiterate to men, if you want to experience this kind of advanced sex, do so from a perspective of caring about the woman you're doing it with and her pleasure, not just your own. That's what makes her want to to it again and appreciate you in her life because she can't have that sophisticated pleasure with just any man on the street."

Christina said "So, if someone listens to Marilyn Manson's album Antichrist Superstar, then shoots somebody and blames it on the music, is Manson really to blame? I know it's a stretch to compare music to porn; but, the example you mentioned is no different. If someone assfucks the "wrong way" because they watched a porno where the same performer does the exact same thing, then you seem to blame it on the porn and not the guy himself. So, let's take a step back."
Comparing music or music video's impact on people's thoughts isn't the same as comparing porn sex to real life sex. Porn acts as an example of sex to the viewer. That viewer thinks what's being shown to them is how sex is really like. Perhaps they'll understand it's an exaggeration, but they won't understand just how fake it all is. If a violent song were to inspire a person to hurt others, that person is mentally disturbed. They aren't being shown HOW to do something. They are hearing certain words and creating illusions in their head based around it. If someone, as you said, assfucks a girl the wrong way because he watched a porno where the same thing was done, then it is the porno's fault and also his because he is ignorant enough to buy that bullshit.