Do you ever feel as though you’ve lost your voice? Like no one is listening to you and you can’t get your point across? Or maybe you have something to say, but you don’t speak up out of fear of rejection or embarrassment. It’s frustrating, to say the least.

So you keep things to yourself, going through the motions and convincing yourself it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.

And yet, there is something that sticks with you, like a nagging little voice in the back of your mind, urging you to speak up, to be heard. What’s stopping you?

“The voice of the intellect is a soft one, but it does not rest until it has gained a hearing.” -Sigmund Freud

I recently worked with an executive leader who had this exact challenge. Here’s what happened. (Please note all indicators of identity have been removed to maintain the privacy of the individual.)

As we worked together, it was obvious that this woman was very accomplished, intelligent, and had something to say. And, she wasn’t saying it. At least, not in the way that it needed to be said.

You see, she had this slight tremor in her voice when she spoke most of the time. It sounded almost as if she were afraid or nervous when speaking. I got curious about the tremor, and when I asked her about it, she said she’d had it “for as long as I can remember.” Now here’s something you need to know about things like this – you will feel like “it’s always been there, always been a part of me.”

But the truth is, there is almost always some triggering event that creates a response in you, a key decision that you reinforce over time until it becomes part of you, your personality, your identity.

I asked her to recall a time when she felt either afraid to speak up, or as though she wasn’t being heard – find a disempowering time when she first felt this quiver in her voice. And it didn’t take long to pinpoint it.

She recalled with great detail a time when she was about five years old, sitting at the dinner table with her family, and when she spoke she was talked over by everyone at the table – completely ignored. In that moment, she felt powerless, unheard, and as though nothing she said would matter. It may sound so insignificant now, but as a child it was a powerful event. And that was the beginning of her voice tremor, because she couldn’t recall having it before that.

“It’s our own small voice within that is our oppressor; it says we are not worthy and not powerful enough. Our limited beliefs are the real foes we need to fight and conquer.” -Yehuda Berg

Our memories are powerful. And when they are triggered, we are transported right back to that pivotal moment, and it all comes crashing down again. The emotions, the disempowered feeling, the fear and disconnection, and in her case, the voice tremor.

In essence, she was being held captive by this memory of feeling disempowered, insignificant, and unheard. And every time she was in a tense or stressful situation that required her to speak up, to share her opinions, to communicate to a group, her tremor would usually become more pronounced.

My goal was to show her that this tremor was more of a decision than it was a fact of life that she must live with. To do this, I asked her to recall a time when she felt empowered, strong, capable, and confident. She told me she is an expert skier and instructor, and when she’s flying down the mountain, she is totally free. What a powerful metaphor for what I wanted her to feel!

I instructed her to connect deeply with that part of her – to connect with the powerful woman within who is confident and strong, who has something to say and will not be denied. And I carried on a conversation with that part of her. It was amazing.

When she spoke from this place within her, it was as if a total transformation had just occurred! She spoke with confidence, authority, and most importantly – there was absolutely no quiver in her voice!

“It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent.” -Madeleine Albright

I was blown away! And so was she.

Now, she gets to remind herself that it is possible to speak confidently, powerfully, and with authority. She just has to remember what it feels like. She gets to condition that new feeling into her nervous system. It’s like reprogramming your internal computer. We all have the capacity to do this. We just need to find the spark and ignite it!

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Human Factor Formula

Meet Kevin Ciccotti

Kevin Ciccotti, CPCC, PCC, is an authority in helping leaders to build stronger, more sustainable relationships with their teams, helping them to drive engagement, increase productivity, and lead to greater overall success. He is passionate about helping leaders to create an environment in which their people can thrive and achieve their full potential. Read More...