Requiem for Love & Sex – Part 4

I sit on Brickhill Road’s curb with my feet near the gutter. I want my wallet. Find that action difficult ‘cause it’s in my back pocket between arse cheek and concrete engraved with the names of false lovers. I solve the problem by lying sideways on the cold pavement with my arse in the air. I retrieve my wallet with the nearest, fumbling hand. I sit up slowly but the world spins anyway.

Damn! Thirty-five cents. I toss it into the street. Nocturnal street children are quick to follow. I’m broke again. I need to sell something again. Wait. A glimpse of paper gives me hope. It’s not a fifty. Not a twenty or a ten. It’s a bloody poem. My eyes squint:

Do you intend to make me commitment’s host, make me laugh and cry, make me walk and talk with ghost, love me and leave me to die?

I’ve got a pen. Always do. It takes me a while to remember that I’ve got a top pocket and that it’s in there. The tears have splattered. Stopped. I scribble furiously.

or is it? a succumbing to the slavering of your tongue, to have your thighs writhe in panting time and your nails to claw for blood, have your waterhole filled only to drown me deep in IT

“Love” you reply Did your mother forget to teach you that love is a myth and the reality of myth is pain

A nearby shout disturbs me. I search. More curiosity than anything else. I am a South African.

A yellow Golf. Two bays down. Oh, shit – don’t let it be. A glimpse of blonde hair on the passenger’s side.

Alcohol’s forgotten. My body’s moving quicker than my mind but I catch up as my hand reaches Barry’s door; in time to horribly witness him horribly punch Linda.

His door is locked. The pitch of his yell at her alters as I kick his window into angry tears that shower him. I unlatch the door and swing it open. Gripping his collar firmly, I pull but he hardly moves because one hand’s on the brake and the other on the steering wheel. “Linda’s the quicker with, “Mike. No. Don’t.”

“MIKE! LET FUCKING GO OF ME! You’ll pay for this!”

“You will, you bastard.” Using both my hands, I yank full strength. He lurches through where the window had been and spills onto the street. Before I can follow through, and accompanied by the sound of Linda screaming, Barry tugs away and stands roaring. His face is malformed by violent intention. He quivers with its force.

During the recent months, my own bricks of rage have built into a wall so tall that it finally topples on me and fills the hole that I am. At six foot three, Barry’s nose is where my forehead is … and he’s at least twenty kilograms heavier. I’m not a fighter and he’s the epitome of a brawler.

He stands no chance.

My arms and legs fling forward without conscious command. Upper chest. Between neck and collarbone. Beneath the sternum. He’s in pain, struggling to suck air. He drops to one knee in invitation for my knee.

A tug on my arm. Sucked into my maelstrom’s outlet, I can’t be sure how long that Linda’s been doing that. She’s crying. Twice in one night is beyond too much.

“Yeah … fine.” I have to force the words from my mouth. I hug her hard. She hugs back. “Promise me that you’ll leave this jerk.” She remains silent. “Promise.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I just can’t.”

“You don’t need him. You’re beautiful. Great company. There’s a million guys out there, none a fucker, that would love to have you. And you’ll find one that you’ll love to have.”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what, goddamnit.”

“I love him … I really do.”

“Shit-“ I’m spun loose of my sentence and Linda’s arms as Barry’s bullish fist avenges itself into my nose to recover blood. I stagger backwards into the traffic lane. A car barely misses me. I stand still. I need to reorient. God, I’ve never been hit so hard before. Barry’s too cowardly to follow. A truck dodges me with incessant hooting that rips through my ears. Increases my headache but gives me something to focus on besides the pain of my broken nose. My shoulder wipes the tears from my eyes, brushing my nose and no doubt smearing blood on my cheeks. What a sight I must be to the people (where did they come from?) collective on the pavement. No cops or bouncers amongst them. Good. Barry’s waiting. Even from here I can tell that he’s worried and uncertain. I wonder what my eyes look like to him.

He can expect me and all my emotions, those that concern him and Linda … and those that don’t.

It happens so quickly yet in slow motion. It’s like he’s swimming and I’m a harpoon. Soon he’s back on his knees.

“You like to hurt woman … don’t you?”

“Nooo-“

“Of cause you do.”

“I didn’t mean it.”

“Ha!” A kick to his groin. He yells but I don’t know if it’s from pain or embarrassment ‘cause he’s flooded his pants. One too many of those full-priced beers. Lions, they were. Who drinks Lion in Durban?

“I’m getting in touch with my feminine side. How do you like it so far? Hey?” He doesn’t respond.

There’s a menagerie of emotions in her eyes. Confusion and pain. Concern and pain. Fear for him? Fear for herself? Her anguish stakes me but for some alien reason, I’ll not let the situation hang. Besides, I hate anti-climaxes.

“You shouldn’t be begging. That’s Barry’s calling.” I prod him in the ribs with the toe of my takkie. “Isn’t it?” He overcomes his physical pain and throws me a look of neat hate. No, he’s not a broken man. Not yet. “Not to me, mind you … but to Linda. Not so?” I feel like I’m on a roll. “Don’t worry. I’ll teach you ‘cause I understand that you were never taught manners by the animals that bred you.”

“Leave it, Mikey,” Linda cuts in. “I forgive him. I do. We can work it out, hey Barry?” There’s a glimmer of hope in her eyes but I extinguish that delusion.

“That’s not the way this is gonna work,” I respond. “Barry the Man will not mean it unless he says it.” Linda almost interrupts but I silence her with a glare and a finger on my lips. “I said that I’d help you, Barry. And so I will. I, B A R R Y, am a S H I T and I’m terribly S O R R Y for being one, L I N D A. I’m sure that that’s what you want to say.”

“Fuck you,” from Barry.

“No,” from Linda.

I’m not exactly sure why I’m about to do what I’m about to do. Maybe it’s my love for friendship (and love can be a powerful monster) or general distaste for men that don’t respect women. Just maybe it’s a pouring outlet for a woman that I loved who hurt me real bad but I would never hurt back. Add the alcohol giant. What about an X factor? What about all of them mixed in a cocktail that damages the heart and mind?

But those thoughts arrive much later. Now, there’s no true pondering whilst I stand behind Barry, viewing his tousled hair and disheveled shirt, and loosening my fly (the silent type that should be advertised with the slogan ‘Our flies don’t have wings’ for the shy amongst us). My penis doesn’t fall out so I pull it out. I wish that it were bigger but it’s perfect for the task. Now the crowd sacrifices its voyeurism with a swelling of murmurs. But all they do is aid my task for Barry swivels his head to find out what I’m doing. His timing’s like a three-point turn: the physical motion of turning towards me, surprise and disgust attacking him at the same time as my steaming piss, and his delayed reaction of spinning away, smelly and acidly wettened.

“YOU BASTARD!” and I’m almost knocked off my feet by a tigressed Linda. “How … could … you.” She’s hitting me in a loose kind of way. Penis dribbling, I try to back away but she’s unforgiving and I relent to the spot and her onslaught. Part of me is surprised and another understands and wants to be hit.

Later, I’ll face the mirror and coldly observe the furrows that her long nails have gouged through my face and broken nose. But for now, I’m disjointed to an uglier place more unmerciful and pitiful. Linda’s no longer Linda. I don’t subscribe to schizophrenia but her hair has darkened and her height shortened. Her voice climbs an octave. “I hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you and I love him!” That jolts my return.

She’s stopped hitting. She’s stopped crying. Her arms are limp and head bowed. You’d swear that I’d beaten her. Maybe in a way I had. Maybe I’d made her beat herself.

I’ve had enough. I lock my penis away. That need to hug and comfort her almost overwhelms me but I’ve seen the Devil tonight and can resist that which I’m sure would be rejected anyway. I want to say sorry. I don’t. It’s time to go home. As I pass her, she doesn’t raise her head but says softly yet audibly, “You’ve killed what was special between us. I can find friendship less expensive. Don’t contact me. Never ever.”

My stride doesn’t falter. Barry’s no threat; too absorbed in his defeated and smelly state. The onlookers walk away as well, disgusted but happy to be disgusted.

I screwed up. I’ve lost a friend. That’s gonna hurt far more and far longer than my nose. There was good intention buried in all that but it doesn’t destroy the anger at my self. But those are not the main occupiers of my mind. That belongs to the vision my deluded eye gave me whilst Linda struck me. Rene. Still now, I allow you to play with my life. If love can be forever, does that mean that pain can to?

***

And my story … It doesn’t take much telling.

Joy. Love. Eternity in a smile. Comfort in holding hands or being in her and One. That type of stuff before being cheated and left. It happens to someone somewhere every day…very second. But logic’s no cure for selfish hurt. It’s a story that doesn’t need a beginning or middle. But i will give you an end.