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Thursday, June 26, 2008

I'm frustrated beyond belief. And burned out. And tired. And lonely. And trying desperately not to slip into depression - b/c I know that if I do I'm on my own. I know my friends will say I'm not alone and I have them - but not one of them is someone I've met IRL. (Well, almost none - and definitely none of my absolute closest friends.) It's not the same thing as having someone who can hug me, be here with me, literally help me through this. No one. And, no, DH isn't availible for me.

Where's DH? At work. Again - or is it still? I don't know. I know it's not his fault. With the MAJOR flooding in Iowa, he needs to work. His job requires it. And, generally speaking, this isn't something that happens all the time. So, generally speaking, this isn't an issue. (He's still not 100% there for me, but that's another post for another day.) This royally sucks. More than I'd ever expected it to. Much more. He's been deployed to Louisiana twice now, and those were easier. They really were. Sure, I was 100% on my own 24/7, and it was more work overall. But, this is so much worse. I don't know from one day to the next whether he's working late - and if so just how late. So, I don't know if I absolutely HAVE to do it all on my own or if he'll be around to help. And, I'll be horribly - or perhaps embarrassingly - honest here. I can be - or perhaps just AM - a bit on the lazy side. (I hate that about myself, but here's yet another post for yet another day.) I don't WANT to do it all, so I don't if I know there's a chance that he'll be able to help me. I do what I absolutely HAVE to and save the rest for later - when either he can watch the kids so I can do it without interruption or he can do it. So, things get let go - for instance, a sippy cup ended up with NASTY mold in it. And the mold didn't come out in the dishwasher, despite a HIGH TEMP wash, rinse, and dry. (I was able to scrub it all out/off this afternoon. Although I'm still unsure as to whether I should just throw it out ...) That's not counting the laundry that gets done when we run out of something - typically shorts and/or PJs for at least one of the kids. Oh, yes, and there's a TON of clean clothes, but not a chance to put it away without DH around. (Most of it's the kids' stuff.)

Add to all of this that during these extended hours, there is little to no contact EVERY day - most days NONE, except to call when he's on his way home. The days he does call during the day he usually either wants something or is responding to an e-mail I sent him - or he's returning a call after I left a message. And this, my friends, is why I'm feeling so lonely and just blah. (Well, the blah is a combination of it all, but I hope I'm being clear.) I see him for maybe 5 minutes every morning before he zips out the door. Before all of this flooding, he'd come home for lunch a couple of times per week - now he doesn't, unless there's something going on. (Example: Abby's b-day party at preschool was in the morning, after which she had a parent-teacher conference. DH came home so I could attend both without the other two kids in tow.) And NO phone calls during the day. We hardly have any time to be together, talk, or whatever during the very brief moments we're home together. I've always known I'm not much of a priority to him, and this just hammers that home a little bit more.

To complicate matters, I have been having some minor aches and pains that I've considered seeing my doctor about. But, well, I'm not about to take all three kids to the doctor's office with me. I don't feel like I can make an appointment right now b/c it would be an inconvenience to DH.

OK. I'm exhausted. It's still an hour or so before he's expected home, but I've little to no energy left to continue this. (It's amazing the expenditure of energy when dealing with emotional issues - is that the depression?)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

My precious baby girl was born. It's crazy. How on earth has it been FIVE years already? It seems like just yesterday she was born - and I just couldn't imagine life without her. What a wonderful blessing she is. She is so sweet, wonderful, kind, loving. I'm amazed. When I tell her I can't believe she's growing up so fast, she hugs me and says "I'll always be your baby." And I tell her that's for sure! My sweet, sweet Abigail!

Abby,I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. Whatever happens, wherever we are, I will ALWAYS love you more than anything. ALWAYS. There is NOTHING that could EVER change that. I can promise you that because I KNOW it's a promise that won't ever be broken.Thank you for being you. I am so blessed and grateful to get to share every day with you. God has blessed me beyond my best dreams. Daily I thank Him for you.

Your birth was one of the best moments of my life. Having you was one of the best things I've ever done with my life. I only hope that I can do right by you in all things. Please don't ever doubt how much I love you. Words just cannot express it.

As you prepare to start kindergarten in a few short months I face a flood of emotions: pride, sadness, excitement, nervousness, and many others. It's bittersweet. Bitter because it means my baby is growing up. Before I know it you'll be off to college! (Scary, scary thought!) Sweet because I'm enjoying every moment I get with you.

Pride ~ I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful, sweet, loving, intelligent, caring, beautiful girl. I look forward to seeing more of who you are destined to be.

Sad ~ Well, because as you grow, you gain independence. The more you gain, the sooner you'll leave the nest! What will I do without you?

Excitement ~ I'm excited as I see you develop new skills, learn new things, and grow into your personality. I'm excited for you because I know you have great potential and can't wait to see you realize that. May God bless you in all that you do!

Nervousness ~ Well, I'm just nervous about letting you go off into the world of school. Those were rough years for me, and I'm afraid of seeing you get hurt. I pray that God protect you from as much of the meanness and cruelty of children as is possible to be shielded from. I'm also nervous to see what kind of influence your friends will have on you. I pray God direct you to the right friends and guide you every day. I'm also nervous about being the mom you need as you move though this rite of passage.

I love you. I always will. I know I'm repeating myself, but I want to make sure you ALWAYS know and never doubt. I'm praying God guide you and lead you and bless you.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

I have discovered one problem with the macro setting - you can see something you'd MUCH rather not see - all that dust! I am EXTREMELY embarrassed. But, I'm also lazy - and the laziness won out. No taking a new pic! So, please pardon my dust. (And, yes, I'm cleaning it once I'm done posting here!) And, tell me if you dare - what is it?

Taken Saturday, my subject was a Webkinz Lil' Kinz elephant named Peanut. The first shot is a standard shot, and the others are using the macro setting. Ironically, I think the last one is probably one of my better shots all week! LOL Figures - a stuffed animal. Apparently I was looking in the wrong place when trying to do plants and flowers! LMAO

I also tried taking pics of my wedding set (rings), but my hands were too shaky. So, I'm going to spare you all the pics! ;-)

Taken Friday, these are some hosta leaves from out front. Again, the first shot is with our standard settings - and the auto focus sucks! I thought DH had turned it off, but apparently not. I'll have to look into that. The other two are with the macro setting. A little too blurry, unfortunately. If you look carefully on the bottom one, you can see that it was starting to rain - there are small droplets of water on the leaf!

FINALLY! It took me all afternoon to upload these for some strange reason! These are flowers (what I cannot remember) from our front flower garden - next to our porch. The top one is a shot with our standard camera settings. I believe both of the others were using the macro setting.

These were taken Monday. The subject is one of our hydrangeas. Abby brought it in a few days before, and I decided that would be perfect. The first is just a standard shot, and the second I think is the macro setting. That turned out MUCH better than Sunday's pics. I've looked at my others, and it might be the best of my macro shots. You can judge in a bit, once I get everything uploaded.

This is from the first day of the second week, during which our focus was on depth of field. I'm not sure I really get what I'm doing, but it was fun trying new things. Unfortunately, the pics from last Sunday look horrible, at least in my opinion. I can't remember what setting was used for each, but I do know that I started with a normal setting, then tried the digital macro setting. Without further ado, here they are.

Sunday's subject was a feather on top of a pen.

I think the first two were using our normal setting, and the last was the macro setting. But, I'm not 100% sure. I'm not happy with how blurry it is. Unfortunately, I seem to SUCK with using the macro setting!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

That sums it up perfectly! Doesn't matter what the penis is attached to. To hell with it! Anything - man, child, cat, dog, etc. - with a penis is on my shit list today! (Good thing my dentist is a woman, as I have an appointment today.)

I should've known that it wouldn't be a good morning - I got to sleep in after all! Can't have my cake and eat it, too, you know! Anyway, Grant got up shortly after 7 - it's a MIRACLE! LMAO

After DH left for work, I noticed he neglected to take the trash out - something he had promised to do LAST NIGHT. Am I surprised? Not really. While everyone else in the world seems to think he's wonderful, reliable, dependable, etc., I know better. He's rarely been any of those for me. Well, I take that back - he's good at being wonderful, if you ignore the fact that I can't depend on him for much of anything. He's NOT a man of his word - at least, not for me. I'm willing to bet that at work and elsewhere he is, but not here. Don't get me started. I'll save all of that for another time. Let's just say the trash STINKS to high heaven, and it irks me to no end that he neglected to take it out - especially when I see that he added some old food from our fridge to the mess! OK, onto the rest of my morning ...

Natalie woke about when I fed Grant, so I loaded him up with cereal, fruit, and milk and let him watch TV while eating so I could get - and nurse Natalie. And what do I come back downstairs to about 20 minutes later? Kix ALL OVER THE FLOOR. He must've dumped at least half of what I gave him over the side of his tray! This is NOT the first time this has happened, nor (I am sure) will it be the last. Thank God for the Dust Buster!

Shortly after that, I get Grant down, hands washed, etc. And I go to let the dog in. I call for him. Whistle, etc. Nothing. I step farther outside and see him two yards over! So, I slip on my flip-flops, grab the leash, and head outside. And the dog is so excited to see his leash he comes no problem! LOL Stupid dog! I bring him inside, swearing to kill his sorry ass, only to find my sweet son has made his way upstairs into my bedroom. He LOVES to play with DH's alarm-clock radio! So, I get him back downstairs (crying all the way) and finally get him dressed. Kid pooped and - of course - wants to grab himself. Throws a fit because I won't let him. YOU HAVE SHIT ON YOUR BUTT, BOY! Oh, and he gets one of his feet in it. Thanks, kid! Thankfully, it was a tiny amount, and easily cleaned up. But, now he's whining for his boo-boo (more commonly known as a pacifier).

Oh, and our two cats are male - one pukes so much it's amazing he isn't emaciated and half dead! The other whines and complains constantly, despite having a bowl full of food and fresh water. Ingrate!

This just in: DH is going to have to work late AGAIN tonight. Damn flooding in Iowa! This is the third night in a row. *sigh*

Add to all of that, it's humid as heck here. So humid, I can feel my asthma acting up, and you probably could cut the air with a knife and take a bite out of it. So, I've closed all of the windows and cranked up the a/c. I don't DO humidity.

I don't particularly like how this post came out. I thought about it for a while before having an opportunity to sit and write it out. And, of course, it went much better as I rehearsed it in my head. It was much more witty and entertaining. But, of course, duty kept me from writing it out until now.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Hillary Clinton's campaign is denying a report that the senator from New York is ready to concede the presidential nomination to Barack Obama tonight.

Clinton will concede that Obama, the junior senator from Illinois, has the delegates needed to secure the Democratic Party's 2008 presidential nomination, two campaign officials are telling the Associated Press anonymously.

The Clinton campaign, publicly, is denying the report.

"The former first lady will stop short of formally suspending or ending her race in her speech in New York City'' tonight, the AP's Beth Fouhy reports. "She will pledge to continue to speak out on issues like health care. But for all intents and purposes, two senior officials said, the campaign is over.''

Most campaign staff will be let go and will be paid through June 15, according to the officials who spoke to the AP on condition of anonymity.

But he did say publicly on NBC's Today show this morning that once Obama has the number of delegates needed for the nomination Clinton will indeed congratulate him and "call him the nominee.''

So perhaps the operative term here is tonight -- or manana?

Seriously? GIVE IT UP, GIRL! This is ridiculous. As much as I fear what Obama winning could mean for Illinois, I would rather have that happen then see Billary back in the White House! I mean, talk about a dynasty! Here people (mostly Dems) have bitched and moaned about the Bush Dynasty - at least GW was never in the White House before being elected! How exactly would it work to have a FORMER PRESIDENT as the first man? (Can't call Bill a gentleman, can I?) As if he could be there and not have any sway on his wife's decision. I'm not an idiot - hopefully most Americans aren't, either!

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York will concede tonight that Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois has the delegates needed to secure the Democratic Party's 2008 presidential nomination, campaign officials are telling the Associated Press.

"The former first lady will stop short of formally suspending or ending her race in her speech in New York City'' tonight, the AP's Beth Fouhy reports. "She will pledge to continue to speak out on issues like health care. But for all intents and purposes, two senior officials said, the campaign is over.''

Most campaign staff will be let go and will be paid through June 15, according to the officials who spoke to the AP on condition of anonymity.

Terry McAuliffe, the campaign chairman, interviewed on CNN today, called the report "100 percent incorrect.'' But he did say publicly on NBC's Today show this morning that once Obama has the number of delegates needed for the nomination Clinton will indeed congratulate him and "call him the nominee.''

And people made fun of Huckabee! LMAO

As much as I hate Hillary, this is a scary, scary thing for Illinois. If Obama wins, we will need to replace a Senator. And, according to the state's constitution, there is no election. Our governor gets to pick - and there's no stipulations (from what I've read) about WHO he can choose. Rod Blagojevich is a complete ass and should so NOT be in office. It scares me to think who he might appoint.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Asshat. That's all I have to say. Well, no, really it's not. Where to start ...

Our son is an EARLY riser - most days is awake by 6:30. It doesn't matter what time he goes to bed. He's up EARLY. Occasionally - and this is EXTREMELY RARE - he will sleep to 7 or so. Fortunately, today was one of those rare days - both he and DD#1 woke around 7:30. On a typical day, that is HEAVEN. And it was nice today. But, I am the one getting up with DS 99% of the time. DH usually sleeps for another hour or so - EVERY SINGLE DAY, well, every week day at least PLUS at least one of the days over the weekend. So, needless to say, I'm a bit more tired than he is most of the time. He "let" me sleep in yesterday - only after I asked if he'd please get up with DS and let me sleep. DD#2, however, was up around 8. Figures. Not that 8 is bad, of course, but I was hoping it would be one of her 8:30-9 days.

This morning, as I mentioned, the older two got up around 7:30. Very nice, and I'm not complaining. DH, of course, made no move to get up. So, out of a feeling of fairness, I got up, despite being so tired I could barely muster the effort to do so. He finally saunters downstairs after #3 gets up - after 8:30. I nurse DD2 and then bring her downstairs. I told him what solids to give her for breakfast, and brought down a change of clothes for DS, who was still in his PJs. I start heading back upstairs when DH asks where I'm going. I told him back to sleep, which he says "oh, no you're not!" WTF? I could take a nap instead. OK - notice the time I'm posting this. Shortly after 2:30 in the afternoon - nap time. No, he's not sleeping. He's outside crossing one more thing off his self-written (and not at all shared with me) to-do list. SOB. So friggin' selfish - JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER. Thanks, you jackass! Anyway, I don't know why, but I listened - maybe because as a Christian I've been taught to submit. (No, he doesn't generally boss me around like that.) Or maybe it was the Holy Spirit within me or something. All I know is I'm DEAD TIRED and not really wanting to nap on the couch. So, here I sit. Knowing that the moment I lie down, one of the kids will be up and since DH is outside, I have to deal with it. (I would drop off the baby monitors outside, but he acts like I'm asking him to emasculate himself when I suggest he take sole responsibility for all three kids. SOB.)