Monthly Archives: January 2014

First off, yes this is a picture of me. Photo Credit goes to my best friend Melissa C!

This photo was taken in 2010 for my friends practice and portfolio. A basic photo-shoot, that’s all.

Yesterday, I had changed my Facebook profile picture to this shot. Why? I simply liked it. It expresses the way I feel lately. Dark, down, hopeless, scared. When I look at this photo, I see art. I see a photo that was taken professionally for my friends experience.

What do you see? I want honesty because I am angry, completely livid. My boyfriend today decided to FREAK out at me today,while I was at work for using this as my profile photo. “This photo is way too provocative, sends the wrong message, is this what you do on Facebook?!” and a bunch of other shit he said that I purposely did not commit to memory. I don’t see my boobs hanging out! My ass isn’t showing! I’m not eating a banana looking seductively into the camera. What the hell is the matter with this photo!?

Anyway’s, he really upset me and I decided to take it down to make him shut up.

If someone is seeing something that I am NOT seeing, please feel free to give it to me straight.

Since I was young, I knew I’d find you
But our love was a song sung by a dying swan
And in the night, you hear me calling,
You hear me calling
And in your dreams you see me falling, falling

Breathe in the light
I’ll stay here in the shadow
Waiting for a sign, as the tide grows
Higher, and higher, and higher

And when the nights are long
All those stars recall your goodbye, your goodbye

And in the night you’ll hear me calling,
You’ll hear me calling
And in your dreams you’ll see us falling, falling
And in now you’ll hear me calling,
You’ll hear me calling
And in your dreams you’ll see us falling, falling

Breathe in the light and say goodbye
Breathe in the light and say goodbye.

It has been awhile since I posted anything but, I’ve been super busy sorting things out and trying to take care of myself! I have been practicing guitar still! Cover video soon I promise!

To be honest with you, this is not why I am here. I am here to reflect and share a large personal part of my past with you. Why? Not that it matters or anything. I’m not looking to get anything out of this post. It’s just something I feel I would like to share and write about.

Let me start by explaining the reason I have been inspired to write about this. Changes, regrets, the bigger question, “why?”

As you know, I have complained about my job in previous posts about how it has taken it’s toll physically on me. So, lately I have been opening my mind to other career options. As I was doing my research on the requirements to registering, my High School diploma happened to be one of them. My High School diploma? I’m pretty sure that was thrown out YEARS ago. Like, the day I received it years ago. Of course, me not remembering what I had done with it turned into a giant search party. I swear I found everySINGLE report card from Grade 9-12, but no Diploma. Thanks mom! *thumbs up*

“GO CHECK YOUR YEAR BOOKS, MAYBE IT’S IN ONE OF THEM”- mom

….*sigh*….I dread opening those God-awful books. I’ve contemplated using them as fuel for the BBQ more then once but, that would mean I would have to dig them out first.

Now, unfortunately, I HATED High School. I can honestly say that those were four years of my life I wish I could completely forget. But then again, four years that I also wish I had the chance to go back and do everything differently. Four most important years of my life that have shaped me to be the person I am today, also are the years that I have wasted and, will never be able to relive them again. I can only really say that Grade 10-12 were the worst. Grade 9 was amazing, I wasn’t stupid yet. I made great friends, wasn’t one of the most “popular” girls (popular being extremely slutty, looking a certain way: (extreme make-up,short kilt, big hair, fake tan) etc. But I was far from unpopular. Besides, that’s not what matters. I had a great first year till grade 10. After that it went downhill.

In the summer after grade 9, I fell in love with a boy. Same age, same goals. We got along perfectly. I fell madly in love. I thought we were going to be together for ever. Be High School sweethearts, get married, have children, live that perfect fantasy life. We dated for a year. Until he cheated on me. That’s when my world fell apart. Oh Jenna, it’s not all that bad! It happens to everyone at one point or another….*sigh*

I was 15 years old, Grade 10. Here I was, starting a new grade, with great new friends, a boyfriend! Life was perfect….HA. Yah right.

I am Italian, my father, an old school Italian from Sicily. Boyfriend, not of the same ethnicity and race. Basically in a nut shell. I was shunned at home because of this. To make matters worse, I was mentally and physically abused at home because of it. My situation at home became so bad that at times I would run away from home and stay at friends houses for the night, sometimes days. Or sleep in my mothers car because I was too afraid to go in the house. It didn’t matter though, I was in love and was willing to lose my whole family for him. Till the day I found out he cheated on me. I will never forget that day. We got into a really bad fight afterwards and he decided to purposely spread lies about me. These rumours ruined my life. I lost friends, respect from teachers and others who weren’t even my friends, more acquaintances. Students would say hurtful things, teachers would give me dirty looks….And for what? Lies? Rumours? Thing’s that were made up to ruin my life by someone I loved and have given up friends and family for.

I became depressed. I skipped class alot and sometimes full days. I also started to get poor grades. To make matters worse, I had no family to go to. I would come home from a horrible day of mean High School students to then face my parents lashing out at me, hitting me, calling me horrible names. Hearing them enjoy my suffering was even worse. I hated my life, and this continued all throughout grade 10-11. I gained weight from stress and depression. I was 165 pounds. I looked HORRIBLE. I probably would have started taking drugs if it wasn’t for instrumental music. When things got tough for me at school, I would go to the music room during lunch break and lock myself up in a practice room, cry, and play my flute. It was the only thing that kept me sane.

At last came Grade 12. I just wanted it to all be over. Grade 12 became my eye-opening breakthrough. I realized that it was now or never to pull my grades out of the gutter and get my life back on track. I was applying for College that year and was excited to enrol in ECE (Early-hood Child Education). I had co-op that year so I spent alot of the time out of the school and in placement in my elementary school. The rumours died down as they usually do in High School. Old news dies fast. Plus, the ex-boyfriend from hell had dropped out before grade 12 started, so the drama was gone.

I missed my Prom and Graduation since I was head waitress already at the banquet hall I worked at. Both parties ironically were held in my hall, go figure.

Most importantly, my grades were in the high 80’s and 90’s and I had learned alot about myself that year. Looking back, I missed out on alot because I made poor choices. Looking through the year books, I was never really in any extra curricular activities, committees, sports teams. Wasted. Which is why I say, if I could go back and do it all over again, I would do things differently.

Although I can’t look back and say I had the greatest four years of my life and share experiences and stories. I can say that my mistakes and life decisions lead me to be the person that I am today. Strong willed, ambitious, passionate, career oriented, hard working, and defiantly NOT someone’s BITCH. You know I had too 😛

Here are some pictures of my High school photos from grade 9-12. I use them now as motivation to never go backwards. It’s only forwards from now. As the years go by you can tell that my appearances changed. Whether it be hair colour that got progressively got darker like my life did, or gained more weight from the stress and depression. Not to mention my general look. You can tell I was miserable, it showed.

Grade 9 Photo

Grade 10 Photo

Grade 11 Photo *shivers*

Grade 12 Graduation Photo (God I was huge..Look at that HEAD)

Me today in the year 2014

This is me today. Although life still is not where I want it to be and I am always suffering in pain from my job. I am happy. I love my job, I love helping people, I love the changes I’ve made in 2013 for myself that I will only continue to make.

I know who I am, I know what I want (most of the time) and I know I am capable of ANYTHING I put my mind too.

– Jenna

Ps. I never did find my High School diploma, so I’m taken extreme measures of going back to my guidance office to claim it. Wish me luck.

Okay folks! Don’t JUDGE ME! When I say I’m a beginner, I’m a fucking beginner. I literally got it on Christmas Day. I’m finally starting to get my fingers in the right positions… sort of…Transitioning is still difficult for me… SHUT UP OKAY! I’ll get it! And when I do, prepare to be mind-blown! BOOM! 🙂 Jennie Hendrix 😉

Ps. I can’t edit videos to save my life. It would not let me download it directly to WordPress, so I had to upload this crap video on YouTube. So don’t start. And it’s laggy as SHIT. Why the hell doesn’t my hand movement match the freaking strumming?! *Sigh* Oh well…Deal with it?