YOU GOT A PROBLEM? YO, I’LL (use extraordinary advances in technology and a scandalous disregard of retail costs and morals to) SOLVE IT!

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

……To better let our customers know who’s making their lives brighter, we’re inaugurating the Stuff You Need SPOTLIGHT..
……We’ll be turning the S.Y.N. Spotlight on each of our divisions and the superior people who run them to give you an inside look at just how the Science Magic happens..
……Spotlight will help you put a face to the name, a name to the story and a story to the expunged criminal record, so please, look directly into the light.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been up late at night hunting for the next ShamMeow product you can poach, and you’ve probably seen these crazy ads with half-dead celebrities offering you Cash for any random Gold you have lying about the house.

Why, Hammer, why?

After a long good laugh and a test to see if any of my fillings were loose, I got to thinking….in these tough economic times, who the heck has got spare gold lying around the house?

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Isn’t there are renewable resource we all have access to that is going unutilized?

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Hell yes there is, and I’m happy to say that as long as you’re leprosy and homeless-free, then you’re sitting on a goldmine friend – or more accurately, picking your nose with a goldmine.

Note: nails not actually gold

That’s right, Stuff You Need is swollen with pride to announce our new program where we will send you cash for every finger or toenail you no longer want or have a use for. Our scientists have found a way to boil down all that keratin into some wonderful new products we all desperately crave:

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– calcified ‘old people’ nails can be used to replace the heat shields on missiles and the space shuttle’s nose cone

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– the razor sharp nails of babies are turned into the latest ceramic knives and ninja throwing stars which can easily beat airport metal detectors

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– and crisp clean nails are the perfect consistency and color to form new iPod casings and earbuds

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So save up a bunch of your next clippings in a handy soda can for a big reward, or send them in constantly as you trim down to the bone for a steady stream of income. Act now, and we’ll send you a very cool little device that lets you harvest the nails right off your sleeping kids and neighbors.

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Remember: it’s never a wrong time for personal or tactically offensive hygiene.

……A very quick update from all of us here at Stuff You Need: in the next few days we’ll be formally embonding our latest employee to help us specifically with Public Relations. While we’ve been happy with the work our AI unit S.A.L.S.A. has performed up to this point (issuing press releases and napalming investigative reporters), her cold, immortal data-soul was better suited to our pre-Obama / war-fun mentality. Now that we’re selling direct to the public, it will take flesh and blood to better manipulate you on your way to great values.

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……Apparently, there’s only so long a machine can go before it snaps and starts shaking people screaming “YOU’RE NOT REALLY FALLING FOR THIS ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARISH B.S. ARE YOU? BAG OF STRINGY MEAT! KILL ALL IDIOTS! KILL ALL HUMANS!” Which of course just leads to other issues when you’re already dealing with someone upset about their malfunctioning Protonic-Salad Shooter.

Well now this just doesn’t seem right. Without someone explaining to people about all the wonderful things the military does, how are they ever supposed to know? The real world media just uses too many words like ‘kill-laser’ and ‘multiple-death-warhead’ to make people feel comfortable.

“Talking points” get such a bad name in this world, when they’re really just a way to keep your brain from getting all heated up with lots of thinking.

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It just isn’t right that these lovely people should be out of a job…I wonder if we could hire any of them for our upcoming P.R. efforts to weaponize toxic assets?…