the fact that any subsequent sexual touch is an echo of the first is very credible. i know for myself i have determined to maintain a very close connection to that first orgasm, whether in relationships with others or myself.

there is so much to consider on the topic of the common thread, and that is, as you identified, the 'invisible person in my bedroom'.

This is one I've been thinking about more and more of late. I've become convinced there is an aspect of the hiddenn spectre in my bedroom as well. Thanks for the food for thought, Roger.

_________________________"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

The absence of panic during sex that wasn't with my perp became disconcerting at some point I think. I realize there was a part of me looking for that panic feeling, and creating it by panicking about everything...that's a real aphrodisiac for sure! This was probably 9 years after the abuse ended...wow that's not as long as I had thought, I just never counted the years before...I thought the absence of panic was some flaw in me...again. I never realized that this panicked feeling was such a non stop feature of things with my perp until recently. It's really strange to think about now, but I ask myself today, who would want to be panicked during sex? It's a feeling I can conjure up at any second if I let myself...that really sucks! Well, at least I know I don't have to feel that way any more and it's good that way! You're right Roger, it's a whole different thing!!!! Thank god!

I wonder how many guys have had the sex panic thing, not the full blown panic attack, now that's something quite different I think, but maybe not...anyway just all panicked up while the abuse was taking place and always trying to recreate that feeling thereafter in one way or another.

Sans LogosMemberMaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...

the 12-15 year old 'i' never panicked during sex with my brother. but all other experiences that were not with him were full of anxiety. this feels like a place i really don't want to go.....but i am going to have to at some point. probably very soon.....

It is still amazing to me that I never picked up on the amount of anxiety my husband had in the bedroom. I always thought it was just sexual energy/nervousness. In reality, He was so scared of not pleasing me that he was fearful. This is because when he didn't please his abuser he was then....I don't know how to say it.....he was tortured/punished...essentially- bad things happened.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.