GOT MONSTER IN-LAWS?

Do your in-laws call constantly? Do they invite themselves over and drop by unannounced? Do they beg you to visit them all the time… especially during the holidays? Do they give frequent unwanted advice about finances or the way you raise your kids? Do they manipulate you with guilt if you don’t do exactly what they think you should? Do they control you with money and gifts? Do they insist that you follow their holiday traditions? Do they gossip behind your back?

Many couples struggle with monster in-laws. Here are three helpful tips: (Read the rest.)

Controlling Mother-in-Law?

Does your mother-in-law call constantly or show up at your house unexpectedly? Does she criticize the way you eat, dress, cook, or clean?Does she complain to your husband that you are a rude, selfish, disrespectful daughter-in-law?Does she try to manipulate you with guilt whenever you don’t revolve your life around her needs? Does she feel entitled to control your parenting decisions because she is “Grandma”?Does she think healthy boundaries don’t apply to her because she is “family”?Does she put your husband in a position to choose between being a great husband and an obedient son?

If you have a controlling mother-in-law, then you may be tempted to gossip, hold silent grudges, or cut off all communication, but that probably won’t help you or your marriage.

Here are five ways to get out of the victim mode and do what is in your power to improve your situation:

Meddling Mother-in-Law

Letter from Reader: “What can I do about a mother-in-law who calls my husband everyday (we live in another state) and is always trying to meddle in our business? My husband is very vague about our life, and has told her repeatedly to let us live our own lives. She is eighty yrs old, and we are in our mid forties. My husband moved out of the state she lives in because of this problem three years ago, but she continues to call everyday. When she cannot get any info from my husband, she tries to get info from other relatives about us. HELP!! She is out of control, and we are tired of it.”

Dealing With a Meddling Mother-in-Law
By Jenna D. Barry

Many couples struggle with in-laws who think they are entitled to know every detail of their children’s lives. These parents feel that healthy boundaries don’t apply to them because they are “family.” It can be very aggravating to deal with a mother-in-law who meddles into your private life, or a father-in-law who offers unwanted advice in a condescending manner.

Visits With In-laws

Letter from Reader: The last couple times we have visited my husband’s parents in Europe, they were very hard on me. I was visiting them with our babies in tow, that were in diapers and not sleeping at night. Needless to say I was very tired. My husband’s parents not only not help me with the children, but complain behind my back that I do not help them (with dishes, food preparation) while I am there. They told my husband that I have very bad manners and am inconsiderate. For this reason I do not feel welcome in their home. I would like to ask my husband that for this next visit, we either go out to eat, or I would be willing to cook for everyone at the apartment we always rent while we are there. I think however, that my husband would prefer to just keep going over to their home, in no small part because he does not want to risk upsetting them. We only visit once a year at best. Is my request unreasonable or is it fair for me to ask this of my husband?

Visits With Difficult In-laws
By Jenna D. Barry

Visits with in-laws can be stressful when husband and wife don’t make each other’s needs a top priority. It can be difficult to put on a cheerful attitude when our spouse’s parents criticize our actions and gossip about us. Here are some ways to behave assertively in order to have better visits in the future. (Read the rest.)

Be Assertive With In-laws

Letter from Reader: My husband’s parents’ behavior is creating problems in our marriage. My MIL & FIL make rude comments to me in private and in front of my husband. I do not respond to the comments in an effort to be respectful to his parents. When out of their presence I try to discuss the situation to my husband and try to explain why their comments upset me. His normal response is that “I didn’t hear them say that”, “Oh I didn’t notice”, etc. I get upset with my husband because he is sitting beside me when these situations happen, how can he not hear or notice? His response to that question is that “This is just how my parents are and I guess I don’t notice because I’m used to it.” I explain that there is no excuse for poor manners and rude behavior and that I don’t accept the fact that “that’s just how they are”. I explained that WE need to set boundaries with them and that they need to be told when I find a comment or behavior to be rude or disrespectful. He hesitates to have discussions with them because he doesn’t want to upset them. I’m very tired of being upset due to their behavior and I have explained to my husband that this situation will never resolve unless they understand how their behavior is being perceived. My husband spent the past 12 years explaining his parents’ behavior to me as “that’s just how they are”. I can no longer accept this excuse. Please help!

How To Be Assertive With Your In-laws
By Jenna D. Barry

You may be quick to blame your in-laws for your marriage problems, but in reality the biggest part of the problem isn’t your in-laws, it’s your husband’s loyalty to them. When a man marries, he is supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to his wife. He must make his wife’s needs a priority rather than being a “parent-pleaser.” His behavior plays a key role in how well you get along with his parents.

That having been said, I think many wives play the role of a helpless child instead of behaving as an assertive adult. In many situations it’s better to gain respect by standing up for yourself rather than expecting your husband to rescue you. You are not likely to gain your husband’s loyalty if you constantly complain to him about his parents; in fact you can actually trigger his instinct to defend them. It’s better to deal with your in-laws in an assertive manner rather than take a passive-aggressive approach. (Read the rest.)

Overbearing Mother-in-Law

Letter from Reader: I have an overbearing/martyr type mother-in-law.Both my husband and I realize this and know that we need to set boundaries, but are very unsure how to go about it.My husband is a recovering alcoholic and feels his mother is a trigger for his drinking. He wants to stop all communication with her, but I think it’s best to talk with her and set boundaries.Neither of us wants the confrontation, but know it is vital to our relationship/sanity. Please help!

Dealing With an Overbearing Mother-in-Law

By Jenna D. Barry

Dealing with difficult in-laws can be an overwhelming challenge—whether you are dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law who believes her opinions are superior to yours—or a martyr who tries to make you feel guilty whenever your needs conflict with hers.It may be tempting to gossip, hold silent grudges, or cut off all communication with troublesome in-laws, but it is usually best to confront the problem in an assertive manner. (Read the rest.)

How to Avoid In-laws Problems

How To Avoid Marital Fights About In-laws This Holiday Season:
Four Tips for Husbands
by Jenna D. Barry

Do you often feel caught in a miserable game of tug-o-war between pleasing your wife and your parents? Your behavior plays a key role in how well your spouse gets along with your mom and dad. When a man marries, he is supposed to transfer his loyalty from his folks to his bride. Loving parents gracefully step aside and encourage their son to make his wife a priority over them. Unfortunately, many parents try to make their son feel guilty whenever he tries to be a loyal husband. (Read the rest.)

Article: Holidays In-laws

You have an opportunity to be a great spouse this holiday season. Couples are faced with many decisions this time of year about where and with whom to spend the festivities. This can lead to disagreements which cause tension in the marriage. Here are five tips for making holiday plans as a couple: (Read the rest.)

In-laws Problems

Wives in my support group often describe incidents with their in-laws and then ask my opinion on how they should handle the situation. Sometimes they are surprised (and disappointed) when I encourage them to be assertive with their in-laws instead of expecting their husband to tell his folks to jump off a cliff. Many marriage disputes over in-laws occur because we behave as helpless victims waiting for our husbands to rescue us, when instead we should behave as confident, yet respectful, daughters-in-law. (Read the rest.)

Holidays With Your In-laws

Some people look forward to spending the holidays with family, while others would rather be run over by a reindeer. Some folks anticipate a time of love and joy– while others can’t wait for this season of guilt and manipulation to be over. (Read the rest.)

Article: Intrusive Mother-in-law

Questions from reader: What do you do about a mother-in-law that calls her son everyday, and won’t let up on wanting constant info. about our personal life? We moved out of state to have more privacy, yet she finds “reasons” to call everyday. My husband keeps the calls short, and does not give her any details about our life. I think that it fuels her even more. What can we do to limit the amount of time, and avoid her constant nosiness?

Dealing With An Intrusive Mother-In-Law
By Jenna D. Barry

Many wives feel frustrated when their mother-in-law makes frequent phone calls and asks intrusive questions. It’s easy to get caught up in the victim mode, but it’s important to realize what you can do to improve your situation. (Read the rest.)

Article: New Moms Intrusive In-laws

One reader’s woes lead in-law expert Jenna D. Barry to weigh in on how much is too much when it comes to your kids and their grandparents.

My husband and I have two kids and live right down the road from his parents (big mistake). They come over about five days a week. My husband thinks it’s no big deal because they don’t stay long, however, it’s just the point that they are intruding when it’s my time to spend with my kids. I work an average of 50 hours a week, so my time with my children is precious and sometimes I feel like my in-laws see my kids as much as me. I feel like grandparents should be grandparents, not another set of parents. I believe that grandkids should only see their grandparents two, maybe four times a month, tops. We need our privacy. My mom always calls and asks permission to come over or hints for me to invite her—she has never just “stopped by.” Anyway, my question is, “How often do you think your in-laws should come over?” (Read the rest.)

Want to be cast in a documentary?

Would you like to be cast in an upcoming documentary-style series entitled, InLaws, to raise awareness for the millions of American families struggling with the emotional pain, torment and frustration that comes with gaining in-laws? In each episode, viewers will witness a real-life family intervention where everyone struggles to be heard as they are forced to face this all-too-common dilemma head-on. Producers are currently casting nationwide in search of couples and families struggling to overcome the very common yet sensitive issue of learning to cope with their in-law situation.

If you would like the contact information for the producers, please contact Jenna D. Barry at wifeguide@yahoo.com with the subject line “InLaws documentary.”

January Press Release

Author Helps Haiti Earthquake Victims During National Marriage Week
“Jenna D. Barry defines a very common conflict that devastates many marriages and provides step-by-step advice for winning the in-law battle in order to create a better marriage. She deftly mixes wisdom with touches of humor to lift the tone of what could be a stressful how-to for many couples.”
–C. Greene

Manhattan, NY, January 22, 2010– In honor of National Marriage Week, author Jenna D. Barry will donate 50% of the profits of book sales through her website to benefit earthquake victims in Haiti. Married couples struggling with in-law problems are encouraged to purchase “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents” between February 7th through 14th at www.WifeGuide.org. (Read the rest.)

Article: Hitched January

Many of us are pretty good at telling our spouse “I love you” on a daily basis. These three words are easy for most of us to say. We say them as we leave for work, at the end of a phone call, and after a kiss good night. (Read the rest.)

In-laws Article: Holiday Guilt Trips

Few things in life are more uncomfortable than disappointing our parents. Most of us can remember a time when we let our parents down– like when we said our first swear word or told our first lie. I can still remember the crestfallen look on my mom’s face when I came home after curfew 20 years ago.(Read the rest.)

You may be quick to blame your in-laws for your marriage problems, but in reality the biggest part of the problem isn't your in-laws, it's your husband's loyalty to them. When a man marries, he is supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to his wife. His behavior plays a key role in how well you get along with his parents. The goal of this book is to help you gain your husband's loyalty.

If you are in need of hope and encouragement, this book is for you! Jenna Barry offers hilarious, heartfelt advice about how to have a terrific marriage in spite of difficult in-laws. As a wife who has personally experienced the despair that comes from having an unsupportive partner, she suggests specific things to say and do to gain your husband's loyalty. This book won't teach you how to become best friends with your in-laws, but it will teach you how to think and behave in a new way so they no longer have any power over you. A Wife's Guide to In-laws has over 40 cartoons, two fun chapters written just for your hubby, and worksheets to help the two of you reach loving compromises about common problem issues.

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About Jenna

As a wife of 17 years, Jenna D. Barry (a pen name) has learned how to gain her husband's loyalty through communication, persistence, and a whole lot of love. She has familiarized herself with the needs and frustrations of other wives by participating in on-line in-law support groups and by talking to marriage therapists, friends, family, and co-workers.

Jenna is the author of the book, A Wife's Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband's Loyalty Without Killing His Parents. She has been a radio guest on The Mike Bullard Show and her articles have been published in newspapers, websites, and magazines worldwide. She writes monthly articles for Hitched Magazine and has been quoted in The Washington Times, CNN.com, The London Free Press, TheBump.com, etc. She leads a support group for daughters-in-law right here.