Cruz Tells Parents to “Spank the Bejesus” Out of 10-Year-Old Heckler

LA PORTE, INDIANA — Ted Cruz reacted quickly and angrily last night when a young boy laughed at him and hollered out “you suck” during a raucous rally in this small manufacturing city.

“No, you suck!” snapped Cruz as he pointed at the boy who immediately turned and grabbed onto his father’s leg.

“You need to be seen and not heard, little man!”

“I was spanked regularly with a wooden spatula when I was your age and I learned firm respect for my elders and leaders — I was whupped and I turned out all right.”“As the Bible says, spare the rod and spoil the child,” shouted Cruz as the mother and father hurried the boy away from the stage.

(*Editor’s note: Mr. Cruz is incorrect in attributing this quote to the Bible. It was written and published by British poet Samuel Butler in the 17th century to make fun of religious extremists. Proverbs 22:15 does come close however: “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child but the rigid rod of correction shall drive it from him.”)

“I would spanketh that child,” Cruz shouted at the departing family.

“Spanketh the sass out of him. Spank him hard to show him you loveth him.”The Cruz spanking outburst interrupted his lengthy attack on “the filthy open season in our nation’s public bathrooms”, Target stores for “letting leering male perverts share bathrooms with women”, and Donald Trump for encouraging transgenders to use whichever bathroom they want in any of his Trump buildings.

Political pundits are taking this as a signal that the Republican candidates are switching their leadership focus from who gets to urinate in which washrooms to talking about spanking.

Local newspaper the La Porter Herald-Angus told CNN that the young boy is from the city and is a “really good kid”. His parents refused to comment as they left with the frightened child other than to say quickly that “Cruz really, really overreacted to a little boy. He scared us all.”

Newsletter

Categories

Follow The Lapine

About The Lapine

The Lapine is Canada's Best Satirical Online Newspaper. It satirizes politics, life, media and the human condition, with a special focus on Canada.
No Lapine content is intended to hurt even the most delicate of feelings…but it’s bound to happen. Get over it. But if you have concerns, let us know. Did we mention that The Lapine is satire?