2016 has been a challenging year (understatement)! A surreal﻿year, in fact, if Merriam-Webster's "Word of the Year" is anything to go by.

Up here in Canada, we're watching what looks like a worldwide trend towards extreme right-wing political parties in government. I'm proud to have been able to lend a hand to some local political happenings in recent years (such as the non-partisan "Get Out The Vote" volunteer initiative VoteKit, and helping on campaigns for Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi) - but I'm no political expert. In 2016, like so many other people, I've felt a strong desire to get myself educated really fast, about what's happening in the US political scene and beyond - so that I can be prepared for whatever's coming next.

Sarah Kendzior

Enter American journalist (and regular contributor to the ﻿Globe and Mail), Sarah Kendzior. I was first introduced to her work early in the 2016 American election campaign, as my favourite children's literature professor (and tireless political activist) Phil Nel frequently retweeted her comments on Twitter. The more I read, the more I appreciated her stalwart commentary, unwavering and pragmatic. Hers has been a voice of reason amidst so many confusing online narratives.

Kendzior has been compared to Cassandra, the character from ancient Greek literature who foretold the future (and who was doomed never to be believed). But it seems she herself may prefer the comparison to John McClane, the hero of Die Hard. Spoiler (in case you don't know, or can't guess?!): McClane takes on a pack of bad guys singlehandedly and saves the day. Of course, lots of people get killed in the movie. Needless to say, I'm hoping that Sarah Kendzior's pen is mightier than the swords that are being rattled on the international stage these days; it's my wholehearted wish that the world's political divides can be healed WITHOUT violence, even the Hollywood movie kind.

"I was totally homesick" [for my German "home"]

Jens-Peter & Christian

However, this isn't about real life or American politics. This is about Die Hard, of all things! I haven't thought about this movie in years, and I only saw it once, in 1991. In German.

I was an exchange student in Germany for one year, and during this super-formative year, my main cultural influences were the two young men who became my best friends, Jens-Peter and Christian - of whom I've written elsewhere - here, for example.

It's thanks to these two that I still have terrible German B-side pop/heavy metal songs echoing in my head (songs my heart loves while my head begs me to hate them). Like this, for example. Sorry about that.

It's thanks to them that I learned about such important teenage cultural phenomena like the German version of Dungeons and Dragons, the video game "DOOM" (ugh), and movies like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Highlander, and... Die Hard.

"Stirb Langsam"

As my exchange neared its end, I wrote a comic strip to pay tribute to the inside jokes we'd shared during our year together. And for some reason, it ended up being about Die Hard. When I read Sarah Kendzior's tweets about John McClane over the past month, it stirred up a memory of this comic strip and I actually found a copy of it on an old hard drive (the original was in colour).

So, because it's Christmas (well, it was when I started writing this), and because it's "surreal" 2016, I thought I'd post this never-published strip.

A note which you may find kinda funny: The movie in German is called "Stirb Langsam," which means "Die SLOW"... kinda lacks the defiant ring of the English title. Let me promise you another post on ridiculously-translated German movie titles another time, but for now:

Warnings:

1. It's really long.

2. It's also really bad, but remember, I was 17!

3. It's full of jokes that no one will get, so I've added notes to keep it sort of understandable. Translations from German are at the bottom of each page.

5. It's not really anything like Die Hard (although there are good guys, bad guys, a hostage-taking, and a lot of guns) - Die Hard just provided a premise. So, in case readers like Sarah Kendzior are actually drawn in this direction, please don't feel any pressure to read this. I just wanted to give you a shout-out for the work that you do. A shout-out, too, to Canada's journalists, Canada's Kenziors and pen-wielding McClanes, who may yet write about happy endings, against all odds. Yippee-kay-yay and a belated Merry Christmas!

Ok, so the story's set in the town of Bretten, about two hours south of Frankfurt.

The characters in the story are myself (in the first frame with the camera); my friend Daniela; and our heroes: Jens-Peter (with glasses and pointy nose) and Christian (with bolo tie and dark hair). For weeks we'd been trying to make "flambierte Kirschen" for dessert - no idea what this is called in English - you douse cherries in alcohol and light it all on fire). The story begins as we finally succeed...

Next page: We meet Alexa strolling through Bretten's main square. She was a girl at our school who was famous for having a crush on Christian. Enter the Phantom of the Opera, a topical character at the time since the Phantom had recently made its German-language debut in Hamburg.

He asks Alexa if it's true that Bruce Willis is coming to Bretten, and rejoices in the news since he apparently bears Bruce a long-standing grudge. It seems that, long ago, the Phantom loved a young opera singer - but she loved Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny (as per the original Phantom story). They fought, and the Phantom thought Raoul died... but no! He escaped with the girl and they fled to America....

...There, he took the name of Bruce Willis and became a famous movie star. The Phantom was apparently too broke to travel to America to confront him. But when he heard Bruce was coming to Bretten, he came up (from the sewers of Paris, I guess?) to find his chance for revenge.

He asks Alexa for help and she asks, "What's in it for me?"

"What do you want?" he asks.

"I'm in love with this boy," she responds. They agree that he'll help to kidnap Christian in exchange for her help. He explains his plan: since Bruce is always surrounded by people, they'll have to take hostages. Alexa is charged with finding "two killers" to help them. After all this, she asks - "wait! Who are you?" But the Phantom strides off into the night...

The next day, the phone rings at the home where Sam lives as an exchange student along with her 13-year-old host sister Friederike (Rike). Rike is in her room with her dog Otti, her New Kids on the Block posters, and her neverending soundtrack to Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Starlight Express" in German (try listening to that for several months and see what it does to your head... actually, just don't). The phone's for Sam, so Rike heads to Sam's room, where Sam is hanging out with JP and Christian listening to "﻿﻿Love Bites﻿﻿." JP, Christian and I had a sort-of-true joke about being three "depressed," socially shy people, who sat in our dark rooms with candles and gloomy music since we weren't popular at school... more on that later...

It's Markus on the phone, a creepy older guy who (in real life) been arbitrarily pursuing Sam, Christian's sister Andi, and numerous other local girls (hence the many phone numbers on his wall). He calls Sam "Zementa," a joke about how he can't keep track of who's who, along with another joke about how some Germans thought my name ("Samantha") sounded like the word for "cement" ("Zement").

He asks what she's doing that day and she says she's going to be an extra in the film. He says he might drop by there too.

JP, Christian, Sam and Rike head down to the Melanchthon-Gymnasium (our school) where the film will be shot, to the sound of Pink Floyd's "On the Turning Away." Sam asks who's making the soundtrack to the film, and Rike responds: "Matthias Reim!"

Matthias Reim was a singer who made a sensation in 1990-1991 with his album, "Verdammt, Ich Lieb' Dich." Jens-Peter was a big fan, and alas, I still feel nostalgic for these truly awful songs, which nonetheless did a lot to help me learn German.

Anyway, there's Matthias at our school, surrounded by many caricatures of real people I knew, including Christian's older sister Andi, a dentistry student who is admiring Matthias's teeth.

Alexa has found her two "killers:" the evil Herr Becker, a teacher at the school who had an antagonistic relationship wth Christian, and Andreas, a headbanger-type who was a real-life enemy of Jens-Peter.

"Here's your money and your MPs [I guess that's a kind of gun? Pardon my ignorance] - hide them," Alexa instructs. She tells them to take out the guns when they see her talking to Bruce.

Meanwhile, Bruce himself is being forced to listen to Matthias Reim's music, and pronounces that he hates it! "You're an idiot. It's a super song," responds Matthias. Overhearing this, Alexa asks Matthias if he'd be glad if Bruce were dead, and the thin-skinned Matthias confirms that he would.

Alexa instructs Matthias to take out his gun - but not to shoot - when he sees her talking to Bruce.

Meanwhile, Otti escapes from Rike's arms and runs into the boys' washroom. Rike asks JP and Christian if they can bring Otti back for her...

While JP and Christian head upstairs, Alexa asks Bruce for his autograph. He asks if she has a pen and she responds that she has a gun!

The crowd is taken hostage by Herr Becker, Andreas, and Matthias! "What's up?" demands Bruce. Alexa tells him: "Be quiet and come with me." The other bad guys are told to take the crowd into the gym.

JP and Christian have found Otti in the bathroom, but then they hear sounds outside. Bruce is being taken upstairs, asking, "What do you want with me?" At the top of the stairs, he's confronted by his old enemy, the Phantom. "At last, the time has come for my revenge! This time, Herr Willis, you will die!"

Alexa, Matthias, and the boys in the bathroom, hear the shot. "This time he's really dead," says the Phantom. "Now let's go to the gym and you'll get what I promised you," he tells Alexa.

JP and Christian bend over Bruce's body ("In a cartoon, JP's knees bend" - something he had trouble with in real life). "Is he really dead?" asks JP. Christian confirms that he is really dead - "tod" - in a double joke about Christian's ambitions to be a doctor, and the fact that his last name, "Toth," is pronounced the same way as the German word "Tod," or "death," creating a neverending joke for him about being called "Dr. Death."

"What should we do?" asks JP. "It's dangerous to go downstairs.""But we have to rescue the others," says Christian. "Where can we find help?"

JP, looking out of the window, calls, "Hey! Who's that?"

It's Oliver, our friend who, recently consumed with infatuation over a new girlfriend, had completely dropped out of our lives. He's no help here, either.

JP makes another joke about Germany in general: "It's useless to ask anyone else for help, since it's Saturday and everyone knows that everyone in Germany washes their cars on Saturday."

"Chris - we're really alone," proclaims JP, and they shake on it to the tune of Dire Straights' "Brothers in Arms."

Meanwhile, Alexa discovers that Christian isn't in the crowd. Andreas says that no one has been allowed to leave the school. The Phantom tells Andreas to look upstairs, while the others stay in the gym.

Upstairs, Christian departs to look on the third floor, while JP is left lamenting the death of Bruce....

JP employs a real-life karate move he'd recently learned about - the one-time push to the solar plexus that apparently kills in an instant. JP finishes Andreas's sentence: "... should be lined up against the wall." (Andreas really was a jerk! Also, I don't know if my German version of that sentence is correct, but whatever.)

Seeing Herr Becker, they debate whether they should shoot him. Christian worries that if he shoots him, Becker will give him a bad mark in school. JP responds with an English phrase which I think these guys made up. Their English was really good, but without the worldwide media coverage and internet resources of today, sometimes their interpretations of American cultural stuff was pretty funny. For example, they thought the Bob Marley song "No woman no cry," was a lament for guys who'd been cheated on by their girlfriends, hence the conclusion, "If you don't have a [cheating, unreliable] woman, you won't have to cry." Apparently, this misinterpretation is common in Germany, actually. But again, I digress...

Matthias: "Now I'll do you in!"Alexa: "But not Christian!"Matthias: "Ok, but his friend."JP: "I don't want to die!"Christian: "Death is better than Alexa!"

And now, my tribute to the wonderful silver-tongued JP, who was famous for his ability to think on his feet and twist words to mean anything. He starts talking to Matthias, pushing all his buttons, and ultimately rendering him into a pile of mush with the following arguments:

"You know, Matthias, you were my hero! I loved your music! I bought your cassettes! You were a person I could really identify with! But now I see the real Reim - a killer! What would your mother think?? Chris and I are young - we have our whole wonderful lives ahead of us. And you just say "hmm." What does that mean? Does "hmm" mean something important or symbolic? No! You only say it, because you have no heart! You are cruel!"

While JP checks for "ammo," Matthias debates which one to shoot. Alexa, seeing him look to Christian, runs to protect him...

JP discovers he is armed... and Alexa dies in Christian's arms ("dead but happy"). "I'm at the end," is what Christian always said in real-life after playing tennis, which he did semi-professionally for a long time...

C: "I think the danger's past."JP: "We can rescue the people."

The director asks: "Where's Bruce?"To keep JP from answering, a girl from our school who JP kinda fancied, falls gratuitously into his arms.The Phantom announces: "You can all go free. I have my revenge! Goodbye!"

Meanwhile, along comes the creepy Markus, debating whether he'll pursue Sam or Andi, and listening to "Bochum" by Herbert Groenemeyer in his car. Getting out, he realizes it's cold out. The Phantom, hearing him, offers him his coat and hat. The Phantom strides off, saying, "I'm so happy. At last, he's dead."

It wasn't the Phantom... it was Markus! Sam and Andi rejoice at Markus's death. (By the way, one more proviso: I don't usually... or ever... write comics in which so many people die so casually and violently, and in which their deaths are greeted with responses like this! But remember... "Die Hard"!)

The director demands again to know Bruce's whereabouts. JP brings the sad news that Bruce is dead. But a voice calls: "Wrong!"

contact me

my website

www.the23rdstory.com started as a blog and now includes some information about my graphic recording practice as well.

I also have an (old) website which features a lot of my (old) work. Look out, it's a bit clunky and a few of the links need updating, but there are still a few interesting things there:www.thedrawingbook.com