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Women We Should Hate, But Don’t

25Jan

10. Kathy Bates – You almost scared us off women all together as a stalking, violent woman in “Misery.” Then, when we had a finally gotten past the pure incapacitating fear of being crippled by an obsessed woman, you almost scared us off women again with the hot tub scene in “About Schmidt.” You know what you did Kathy, and it was wrong. But, you are also an accomplished actress, that brings multi-level emotions to every role, so you get a pass.

9. Adriana Lima – A virgin super model? Really? We should hate you because we think you’re a liar. But, how could we hate you if there’s even a possibility of you being a super model and a virgin?

You’re a virgin, really?

8. Sharon Stone – You won us over when you flashed the world your lady parts. Then you forced us to watch horrible movie after horrible movie after mind-numbing, horrible movie. Still, despite your new plastic parts and bad movies, we love your intellect and savvy with the press.

7. Lindsay Lohan - You were cute as a button on “The Parent Trap” as a child actress and were becoming a beautiful woman…until the drugs and the drinking. Then you had a bout of lesbianism and a disagreement with your undergarments…”not that there’s anything wrong with that.” This is fine if you also like women when you’re sober, but strangely, when you sobered up, you straightened up too. You were imploding right before our eyes, and then you turned the corner and started making better decisions. You’ve stayed in the limelight and stopped a lot of the negative-attention seeking behavior. We are pulling for you Lindsay.

6. Britney Spears – Similar to Lindsay, you began as a cute child actor. You were a cute as a button Mouseketeer and had somehow turned that into jail-baitish hotness by the age of 17. And then also similar to Lindsay, just when your fame was peaking you found drugs and alcohol while simultaneously losing dignity and your underwear. You were married and divorced to a home town sweetheart before we could blink. Then, you married a background dancer who promptly left his pregnant baby’s mother and moved in with you. Strangely, you didn’t make it as a couple and he, the background dancer, was deemed more fit to raise your two children. You shaved your head and allegedly had a bout of lesbianism and depression. But, you’ve turned it around too recently. You are making music again and back to the top of the charts. Good luck Brit.

5. Rosie O’Donnell - You’re loud, abrasive, and obnoxious or maybe you’re passionate and opinionated. Rosie, you can be annoying and absolutely obstinate when you’re into a subject. However, you are also capable of compassion with suffering children and the underprivileged and we respect that.

4. Meryl Streep – We should hate you because, if you’re in a movie, then we’ll have to watch it. Not necessarily because we want to, but because whoever we’re dating will want to see the movie because of you. Luckily, you bring class, grace, and emotion to every chick flick you’ve made us watch. You always display multi-faceted character and depth in each role and we love you for it.

3. Oprah – The first billionaire black woman. We should hate you because often you’re pompous and condescending when you don’t agree with a guest’s views. You also don’t seem to fond of men, Steadmon included. Self made millionaire’s are fairly common, but there’s something very about a self-made billionaire. You also have built schools in Africa and given cars to your entire studio audience. We love philanthropy too.

2. Madonna – You took slutty to another level in the 80′s with “Truth or Dare,” sporting bras as tops, and other acts of blatant rebellion against social norms and conservatism. We should have hated you then for being so brash and unapologetic, and we didn’t. You joined a mysterious religious group and turned it into a national obsession surrounding a red piece of string. You almost destroyed Guy Ritchie’s career and started this trend of adopting children from Africa rather than helping homeless kids here. And then, you brought sluttiness to another level by having an affair with then-married, obsequious mega-star Alex Rodriguez who was also married.

1. Angelina Jolie – The power that a stunningly beautiful woman wields is absolutely amazing and unparalleled. You, Angelina, have given us more reason to hate you than every woman on this list. You kissed your brother publicly…open-mouthed. You drank human blood, which is strange at least and cultist and ritualistic at worst. You even carried some of then husband, Billy Bob Thornton’s blood, in a vial around your neck. You took adopting kids to new “heights,” when you “stole” multiple children from all over the world. Then you stole Brad Pitt, the husband of America’s sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston. You have done your best to make us hate you, but we can’t, you’re too hot. We do hate ourselves a little for being so shallow, though.