Season of Isolation

Being single shouldn't mean being lonely at the holiest time of year

I knew they were coming, and I tried to brace myself, to be ready to fight off creeping depression, triggered, ironically, by a time of year that should be a period of joy, of growth, of connection to the sweetest of the sweet: The High Holiday season.

The holidays are supposed to be about renewal of one's relationship with the ineffable and, less sublimely, about being with your family and the people you love. But after 11 years of the holidays as a single adult, I dread Tishrei's approach with increasing intensity each year.

Try as I might to focus on recognizing God's dominion, on being grateful for all He's given me, and to devoting myself to working on the myriad ways I need to improve myself, sadness creeps in. And, to be honest, embarrassment.

Another year has passed and I am still alone.

That's where the anxiety dream comes in. The details are fuzzy, but it began with me standing in the back of my parents' shul with my best friend from childhood, excited to see people I'd not seen in a long time, and ended with me leaving the sanctuary, shame-faced, humiliated and feeling I did not belong. I had the dream during a Shabbat-afternoon nap, so I couldn't write down the particulars, but when I awoke, my heart pounding, dread hung in the air like perfume, sullying an otherwise beautiful summer afternoon in Jerusalem.

Another year has passed and I am still alone. Again, I will walk into shul and take inventory of how other people's lives have moved forward, which couples have outgrown their snug Jerusalem apartments, which girls nearly a decade younger are now on their second or third kid. And I will feel conspicuous. Perhaps I am being paranoid, but I will feel embarrassed when I see something looking like compassion in people's eyes when they speak to me. I'll hear their thoughts: "Still not married." And I'll try to smile graciously when one or two well-meaning semi-strangers intone meaningfully that they hope that "this year will be the one."

Yet again, I will be a -- welcomed, beloved -- guest at someone else's table. I won't stress over cooking and cleaning and buying new shoes for the six- and eight-year-olds. All I'll need to do is buy a hostess gift. I'll have time for classes and the luxury of being able to reflect, to process, to do teshuvah. And I'll try to remind myself of how fortunate I am for that... how crazy my friends would think me for envying them their sleepless nights and harried days.

And once in shul, yet again, I will whisper, cry, scream the same silent prayer and somehow keep my faith in the God Who, for reasons not clear to me, doesn't answer.

I'm a part of a demographic that's not supposed to exist, and the Jewish community hasn't yet figured out how to accommodate the fact that we do.

It's not easy being single when you don't want to be, wherever you are. But it's even harder in an incredibly family-oriented society like Israel or like the Jewish world -- especially the observant parts. I live in Jerusalem, the most flourishing Jewish "community" in the world. But I'm a single, religious woman -- I don't belong to a synagogue, I don't appear on some neighborhood's "nishei" (women's auxiliary) list, I'm not needed in a minyan. I fly under the communal radar; there isn't a berth for me, socially. Without descending into melodrama, I'm a part of a demographic that's not supposed to exist, and the Jewish community hasn't yet figured out how to accommodate the fact that unfortunately we do.

It's no wonder that so many of us drop out and create alternative sub-cultures of singles who all hang out together and somehow stay stuck in the same phase of life. If a society repeatedly bemoans the existence of people like me without taking action to help change my objectionable status, is it any surprise that people want to create substitute communities where they feel less like freaks and nebs? Or, God forbid, is it so surprising that some people simply leave the community altogether?

Jewish society expects people to get married. Male or female, you haven't really made it to adulthood until you do (Bar Mitzvah speech notwithstanding).

The last two years, the High Holidays were strange. Each year, I was coming out of a relationship that seemed so close to The One. Even though they hadn't worked out, they had filled me with hope: I'd been so close-the real thing must be just around the corner. But then I spent most of this year trying to piece myself back together after the relationship that had seemed perfect, that seemed real, that seemed everything I had waited for, that seemed to hold the reason for why I'd had to wait so long... exploded in my face. I was shattered, utterly, and a year on, am still limping, still trying to understand why it happened, why I had done the things I did, why, in His wisdom, God decided that I had to go through what I had gone through... I've tried so hard to learn from it, as I've learned from my other relationships, to grow from it, to let it teach me things I obviously needed to learn. But, mostly, 16 months later, I just feel aching and hurt and dismay.

Now comes Rosh Hashana again. And here I am, still alone. Hineni.

Time to crown the king, to account for my deeds, to make a reckoning of my last year, of the gift of another 365 days...

And all I can think of is sitting at someone else's table. Again. (Let me be clear: I am blessed with wonderful friends who offer, who invite, who try to alleviate the discomfort they know I suffer. I am grateful, deeply grateful. But I just can't believe that I am reliant on their kindess again.) Again: I'll be holding close my friend's kid, who's getting old enough that he won't be able to sit on my lap much longer, and wondering when I'll be able to give my mother a grandchild, if ever. And I'll be thinking this while seated next to another friend of a friend who will volunteer that she knows so many wonderful girls just like me, "but no good guys."

And her words will echo in my ears as I sit in the shul where I don't fit... and I will once again pour my heart out to my Creator and beg him to let me give all that I believe I have to give. Every phase of life has its difficulties: Please, switch mine. So many single women have to fight bitterness and despair, the loneliness and sadness that is soft background music to our days, even when our lives are otherwise blessed.

Please, God, switch: Test me with the hard work that marriage entails. Let me be struggling, sleep-deprived and isolated, like all of my friends when they had their first babies. Let me think I'll go crazy if I don't get some time alone, a moment's peace. Let my in-laws be annoying me, and confusing me over which side of the family to go to for the holidays. Challenge me with a step-child or two.

If I manage to pull myself out of my self-absorbed fog, I'll pray for others in my situation, Jewish men and Jewish women who want more than anything to be able to build Jewish homes. Whatever's holding us all back, let this be the year that we are no longer alone. Let this be the year that each of us becomes a part of the Jewish past and present -- and future -- by establishing Jewish families.

Let this be the year that my friend's friend doesn't unhelpfully inform me of the lack of good guys but rather goes home and makes a list. She'll make some phone calls. She'll find at least five good guys to set up with at least a few of the oceans of good girls she claims to know (and let this be the year that she realizes that telling those girls that there aren't any guys out there really isn't constructive).

Let this be the year when people remember to include single people and divorced people and other people without families.

Let this be the year that more rabbis and communal leaders stop screaming gevalt over the increasing numbers of unmarried older people and start doing something about it. Let them start addressing issues of commitment, of derech eretz, of communal structures -- whatever it is that is holding so many of us back.

Let this be the year when people remember to include single people and divorced people and other people without families. Remember that every holiday, every Shabbos, is a reminder to us of how we don't fit in, of what we don't have.

Let this be the year when people with kids invite the couples without kids -- just because they can't provide playdates for the afternoon doesn't mean that they're not a part of your community. Let this be the year that people remember that asking someone "what's taking so long" to have kids might just be the most devastating thing a person who's struggling with infertility could hear.

Let this be the year when the harried, overworked mom and dad getting ready for a three-day yom tov will stop and pause and remember how incredibly blessed they are to have each other, imperfect though they may be, and that their screaming, misbehaving children are the greatest gifts God has to give.

And let this be the Rosh Hashana when the dull, throbbing emptiness subsides long enough for us to remember that, whatever is missing in our lives, there is only one place for us to turn.

Earlier this year, I went to see a shadchan (matchmaker), a lovely, intelligent woman whom I'd been warned was sometimes a touch socially awkward. After we spoke for a while, she said, "Ach, you are so smart, and funny, and interesting, and pretty..."

I waited for the "but..."

" -- I'll never be able to find a husband for you!"

It was one of those moments where I knew I could choose either to be devastated or find it funny. After all, what she was really saying is that it's not surprising that's it's taken me longer to get married -- I'm a special girl, I need a special guy.

I smiled and said that she didn't need to worry.

"You're not the one who's responsible for finding my husband," I assured her. "That's God's job. The only question is whether you'll have the privilege of being the way He chooses to make it happen. And I trust Him completely."

Let this be the Rosh Hashana that I remain ever mindful of that.

Frieidl Liba bas Chava would appreciate your prayers, for her and for other members of klal yisrael who need to get married or have children.

About the Author

Visitor Comments: 115

(115)
Kathy,
February 1, 2011 8:33 PM

Happiness should be so easily known and free to all !

After 21 years of being married, my husband and I have seperated. It was on Aug.6,2010 and already he has dated a few different people. I HAVEN'T EVEN GONE OUT. I am happy for him ,really. I am 60yrs.old and I just don't know where to go, or how to start to meet,maybe have a casual dinner-movie date anymore. The first holidays were floods of tears.Filled with depression. But I am a nurse and I do know that you have to be strong for yourself ! Don't ever let depression last ,it's a killer. Everyone needs help from time to time no matter what the problem may be. PLEASE don't be affraid to ask for help Shalom

(114)
Michal,
January 15, 2008 11:08 PM

Amen!

Amen Frieidl Liba. Amen!

(113)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2008 6:50 PM

support a shul

Being single is no reason not to become and lend support to a shul--otherewise, they won't be there when you "need" them as a married!

(112)
Yehudah,
January 9, 2008 5:34 PM

G-d willing things will turn around soon...

This made me teary-eyed. I know how you feel. But dropping out isn't the answer. No, you'll never be needed for a minyan, but what about tehillim groups? Or the woman's half of the chevrah kadishah (or a caller for such)? Find a shul, socialize. You're not going to meet anyone sitting at home, and if you're not out there the god guys are going to think you moved to New York or something since they haven't seen you in ages. G-d willing things will turn around soon...

(111)
Nechama,
January 5, 2008 11:36 PM

You most certainly do deserve someone special....

Freidl,You are an amazing woman...Thank You...

(110)
Shoshana-Dvora,
January 3, 2008 4:11 PM

being single

I too find the High Holy Days EXTREMELY depressing. ANOTHER year has passed that HaShem hasn't sent me my Bashert, or at least taken care of my best friend. I try to be positive and upbeat but it's not easy. One way I do it is to avoid people who trigger negative feelings in me, by their silly remarks or just their status in life. I have dropped most of my married friends, because it's easier to hang out with singles. I usually avoid engaged couples,aurufs,sheva brachas, and weddings (except for one I'm going to next month, but then the kalla is 2.5 years older than I am, so I am very happy). I haven't spoken to my married sister in a couple of years, because it depresses me (it's not fair! I deserve happiness at least as much as she does). My mom knows better than to bring up the subject (if she does, I'll hang up). I think I've hurt people because of this. I didn't mean to do that, but I do mean to do anything it takes to keep myself from being depressed. I try to focus on being positive,travel when possible, JDate, going to singles events, keeping in shape, and shul hopping (go wherever there is a singles Shabbat dinner or event). I wish HaShem would help me out of this mess.

(109)
Sheldon Dan,
December 31, 2007 10:54 AM

Don't give up!

Friedl, I know well what you are going through. I lived in the Washington, DC, area about 15 years ago, and I remember many High Holiday services when I felt so alone when everyone else seemed to be with a family. This was when I was in my mid-30s. At 45, I married a wonderful girl and we have been together for 6 1/2 years. I don't think I want to be insensitive to my single sisters and brothers, because I've been there.

(108)
Sam,
December 30, 2007 4:11 PM

This article exists for a reason...

This writer has beautifully and eloquently put into words the very real emotions that almost every single feels. Whether they have been dating 1, or 10, or 20 yrs. Anyone who has been in this position has felt the same loneliness and despair. The same conflict of knowing they should be full of Simcha for the Holidays, yet at the same time dreading them as yet another circumstance which will magnify the Parsha they are experiencing.

Of course singles believe that G-d runs the world, that it is His great plan dictating the Parsha. However that does not take away the human side of one's emotions, that at the end of the day, the single is yet again going home to an empty house. There is no such thing as "just suck it up" when a person yearns to have children of their own, but can't even see the spouse at the end of the tunnel.

And to those of you who kindly give "advice" or tochacha - why would you assume that singles don't give of themselves to others outside their single world. Most singles I know do tremendous chesed: helping to take care of the ill, and/or their kids, helping exhausted mothers cook for Shabbos every week, assisting the elderly... Please don't let guilt - of perhaps your own lack of activity to help - make such blind remarks.

Bottom Line: This situation, if you want to call it social or M'Yidai Shamayim, is here and looks like it is here to stay. It is up to all of us to do everything in our power to keep it from becoming even more of an epidemic than it already is. Imagine if, G-d forbid, it was your own child... * What wouldn't you do. *

Singles do their Hishtadlus - they Davin and meet Shadchanim, and do Chesed and try so very hard to constantly keep spirits up.

What is yours going to be?

(107)
Anonymous,
December 30, 2007 1:45 PM

Regardless if it is The Secular New Year or

The Jewish New Year, it is very difficult for both first time, and second time singles to usher them in, without having a loving spouse next to them. These times of year can be very isolating. And our Frum Commmunity is very family oriented, so seeing couples with kids can be very painful for singles. This siutation is not helped by people having petty requirements for Shidduchim, and people looking for Shidduchim among age groups that are not proper. Much older men going after much younger women. And some women wanting to be "Taken Care", looking for older men sugar daddies. And some older women looking to stay young by going after much younger guys who seek money and mommy figures. This is Hollywood not the Frum Jewish Community. And a shonda. Once we get rid of our warped shidduch value system we will be so mucn better off!Hatzlacha to all of us to find our Basherts soon.

(106)
Rebbetzin Leah Ovadiah,
December 30, 2007 9:00 AM

The power of Zikkui HaRabbim MAZAL TOV!

Thank you for your wonderful article. I was in the same situation, until I married my wonderful husband B"H. There was one reader who said that the ones that say there are not good guys dont know Who is running the world.

They are true. Your merit in writing this article for the benefit of others stormed the heavens reaching to His Throne of Glory.

You truly deserve it. MAZAL TOV to the wonderful Kalla you have become. May you merit building a Bais Neeman be Israel toghether with your Chassan.

(105)
Roxy Maschler,
December 26, 2007 10:24 AM

Thank you. I need that

Thank you so much for sharing the depths of your emotions. It really hit home. Roxy

(104)
Anonymous,
October 6, 2007 2:57 PM

your words really hit home

i must tell you, i am in my late 20's and I have been "looking" for probably 10 years now... and reading your article - so beautifully written - brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this. May this be the year that you, Friedl Liba bas Chava, find your true Zivug! And please let us know when we can wish you, your much anticipated, and much deserved mazal tov!

(103)
Unmatchable,
October 3, 2007 12:33 PM

Thank You

Thank you just for saying how you feel.

I feel much the same way every year. It is so hard to hear the onslaught of friends & family , with best intentions, telling me I'm a warm, intelligent, attractive guy with a great job & that I shouldn't have a hard time finding a woman. Truth is, I haven't & am getting a little old at this point.

I don't know how we accept being alone. The first enumerated mitsva we read Shabat will be to fill the earth with our children. It's not because we are lacking in some way. The numbers just mean that although there is somebody for everyone out there, some of us will never meet the somebody for us.

To others in our place, know you aren't the only one. I'm not saying to give up hope. Don't live in the shadow of sadness though. I'm guilty of this myself, but it is ok for us to find a way to be alone and ok.

Wishing you all a relaxing and peaceful holiday.

(102)
Talya,
October 1, 2007 2:41 PM

Thank you

Thank you so much for sharing the depths of your emotions with us. You have helped me on many counts. I will sincerely daven for you.

(101)
Anonymous,
September 25, 2007 1:22 AM

I am even more alone and isolated.

My father cried on his death bed for those who called him "dirty little Jew" when he was a child. My Grandmother fed us no pork in the old south land and never drank a drop of alcohol in her life except that she made once a year for Passover. I am a Jewess at heart and can be nothing else. I did not embrace my true religion earlier in life for reasons. Now at 65, I am too late.

(100)
Anonymous,
September 20, 2007 7:26 AM

People should remember sincerely those who

are alone this time of year, with a sincere invite, a call, a card or something to let them know you care now and always, not just this time of year. Way too many people try to be on their best behavior this time of year, and after the Yom Hnorim pass, they are back to their inconsiderate ways. We should ask ourselves is this the way Hashem wants us to truly behave? I don't think so. And People who are not married regardless if they were never married, divorced, or widowed, and regardless if they have family,kids, friends,and other interests, they need to know from some that people care that they are alone. Any fake invites will be seen as a lie. So be sincere and tactful with us singles, we are sensitive,and need special patience, and understanding. A Big Mitzvah is to reach out to someone who may be in despair. I recently had a friend who no one should know lost her mom, and when I reached out to her, since i lost my mom no one should know from some years back, I was able to relate to her pain, and anquish. So by helping her I felt I was needed, and less focussed on my loneliness of losing two great loves of my life. When one does a mitzvah it helps one deal with their own issues with better prospective. So Please remember those who may need our help.And May Hashem help us and watch over us. And give us Brochot, and Mazel always.Kol Tov: Gemar Chassimah Tovah to one and all.A Friend

(99)
Anonymous,
September 17, 2007 8:08 AM

We all share feelings of Isolation this time of year

because some of us remember the realtionships that did not work out, and the people we lost, and miss, As for myself, I lost my mom at a young age,and I miss her a great deal, I lost a grandma who practically raised me, and taught me the fine lessons that lead for me to work as a Geriatric Social Worker. I also lost a step mom who was a dear friend when I needed it. I am divorced, after 13 years married to a very immature, mama' boy. My son and i fel very lonely during all the Shabbats and Yom Tovim, since a Frum Community is so family oriented. We do get only pity invites for meals, which we refuse- we want real friends, not pity invites! And sorry if that sounds harsh- but no invites are better than pity ones! Also We rather be alone, than living with a selfish emotionally abusive husband and father. My son and I suffered deeply from this man, and we felt we would turn into bitter, unhappy, and mean people Chas Vashalom if we continued to live this way, so after many years of therapy, and exhausting all avenues, the divorce had to take place 8 years ago, and while life can be hard at times,We would rather deal with what we deal with, than the fighting, and tension we endured with my ex husband. It is better to be thankful lonely with peace of mind than in a relationship that is painful for the sake of being married. I am by no means against marriage, I tried to remarry 4 years ago, but my former Chassan's kids coumd not accept a step mom who was so different from their late mom, and they did not think we would fit into their unique liferstyle, so they convinced their dad to dump me for petty reasons. Sure that break up hurt, but I learned to love again, something I thought would never ever happen, and for a breif time when my hson truly needed a surrogate dad he had one to help him with his growing milestones, for that Matanah we will be grateful for. We have Emunah in Hashem that we can deal with some of the loneliness of the Chaggim, and that Hashem protects us from living with someone who will harm us. So we rather live the way we are today Baruch Hashem, than to go back to the unhappy life we had before.So Please eventhough it is difficult this time of yeat we must pray to Hashem to watch over us, and be grateful for what he does for us.A Chassimah Tovah to one and all here, and thanks for sharing your stories with all of us, and giving us this chance for all of us to reach out to one another.Brochot to all.

(98)
Bracha Meryl,
September 16, 2007 8:59 PM

Amen. I pray you get your chance.

How well you spoke your words, explaining your situation but not displaying anger or bitterness about it. Amen.I was there, in a similar spot. Being older and single was not easy. My acqaintances ( I dare not say they were friends as few contacted me after they married), all got married, and I did not. Year after year, I waited. The next group, then the next all married, and still I was alone.Then it happened. I married when I was 35. God forgave my sins, as a Kallah has all her sins forgiven. But my problems did not end there. My husband had many "issues." But I did not see the obvious; I was so glad I was a couple, not an old maid. I allowed myself to be blind to all his faults and tried to make it work.It did not end there either. I did not have any children, so was married, but childless. Being infertile was something far far worse than being single; at least it was to me. But at least I had someone to make Kiddush and Havdalah for me. And I had some financial security. Being barren was horrible, much more than I can express in my lifetime, but at least I was married.Then, one day, after two decades, my husband surprised me by wanting a divorce. He also made sure to leave me penniless, having planned the divorce for years. Yes, he had issues. Enough said about that.So again I am alone, and glad to be, actually, knowing now who my husband really was. A man I apparently never knew.So, I went from older single, to married infertile, to divorced. All very acceptable in the frum community, NOT! I was really fitting in now.And I am not even getting those invitations, either, for Rosh Hoshanan meals. I am dining alone as far as people are concerned, but really with God, who is always in my presence. I am OK. I am a boring guest, I suppose, having never lived the life that others have. I have little in common with others, I guess. I have never fitted in and may never. But I am OK.I would like to think I am nevertheless a decent person. I am still here to serve Hashem, just as we all are. My life is purposeful and worthwhile, to Hashem. And though I may be avoided, ignored, invisible, pitied, or simply tolerated by those who have succeeded in life,on a personal level, as I have not, I will not allow myself to despair or choose to abandom my belief in Hashem and his ways. I will pray to Hashem to help me have spiritual strength and joy in my life. Yes, I will still pray and hope for an affirmative reply. And I will write to others to let them know that there are many trials and tribulations we must go through to get to where God wants us to be. They are all in his plans. And Hashem's paths, after all, are all good. All are darchei noam. Therefore, I will pray to live longer and make the right choices and have the right thoughts and thereby have a meaningful life. And maybe my parents, may they rest in peace, will kvell and have nachas from my deeds. I think they will. I am quite sure of it.

(97)
Anonymous,
September 15, 2007 5:30 AM

Shana Tova to you

I could not come from farer position in life , and still this article is so clear, so moving , so candid I had to respond by wishing you the fullfillments of your prayers in the new year.

amos, kibbutz Ein Hashofet

(96)
Anonymous,
September 9, 2007 3:21 PM

made me cry

Well, all I can do is agree. Your article hit home. To all those people who say we aren't trying hard enough, or aren't compromising enough... I guess it's a good thing God's being more generous to you than you are to us.

(95)
Aviva Alter,
September 9, 2007 1:56 PM

Hashem helps those who help themselves

Hashem helps those who help themselves. I am always amazed at how many unrighteous people end up having no problem finding boyfriends or girlfriends. What do they have that I don't have? Sometimes it takes a little adventurousness, a little hard, honest evaluation and a little less self-pity.

(94)
Anonymous,
September 7, 2007 1:10 AM

Life is a two way street

NOTE: Please do not be offended by my words.When dating, we look for certain things in the person we're dating. and we become judgmental yet optimistic. I know that it takes two to make a relationship work. If one is really trying and the other is not, it just won't work. What you have been saying is disturbing. How can you say that Hashem is not answering your prayers? Hashem works in mysterious ways that we seldom understand.If you say you want to get married so badly and you want to suffer the annoyances of married life, why don't you compromise on some things? There is no such thing as Mr. Right and Mrs. Right. Everyone has faults and imperfections. Anyone that is happily married will tell you that to make it work, you need to work on the relationship all the time. It's never going to be perfect. And in order for singles to find their soulmate, they need to be more open-minded and less strict about their 'standards'.We can succeed only when we accept that we will fail repeatedly in the process.Good luck. My heart is with you and all the struggling singles.

(93)
MF,
September 3, 2007 9:13 PM

To Michael and all others

To all those singles who have posted on this article- since I am not old enough, nor have enough life experience to have any valid opinion on this subject, the only thing I can do is pray for you, and hope that God will open your eyes to the right way in life.

To Michael in particular, the only thing I have to say is PLEASE don't marry our of the faith because you don't find any Jewish girls. Why should God help you if you don't do as He wishes? Not meaning to minimize your pain.

(92)
Anonymous,
September 2, 2007 2:44 AM

wonderful article--

Wonderful article!!!

So brave to give your name and so impressive to see outside your particular challenge.

This is particular resonated with me:

"Let this be the year when people with kids invite the couples without kids -- just because they can't provide playdates for the afternoon doesn't mean that they're not a part of your community. Let this be the year that people remember that asking someone "what's taking so long" to have kids might just be the most devastating thing a person who's struggling with infertility could hear."

I hope everyone reads this article and appreciates what they have.

"Let this be the year when the harried, overworked mom and dad getting ready for a three-day yom tov will stop and pause and remember how incredibly blessed they are to have each other, imperfect though they may be, and that their screaming, misbehaving children are the greatest gifts God has to give."

May this be the year that Hashem listens to your teffilos and that you find your shidduch, Freidl Liba Bas Chava.

(91)
ZSBR,
August 31, 2007 9:33 AM

Much-needed article... and away with judging commenters

Bravo, Frieidl Liba bas Chava. This is a very brave and beautifully written article and you give us all a voice.

To the commenters who assume that the author is neither hosting meals, nor already involved in a community, a member of a shul or local projects, it would seem that you think she is sitting around waiting for her zivug to sweep her off on a white pony. Please realise that also you aren't addressing a young girl in her 20s who has turned down a few shidduchim... We 30+ frum singles (espcially in Jerusalem) B"H arent short of suggestions on how to meet people- we meet people, we get set up, it is frustrating when it doesn't work out. Yet we would STILL demand some respect for being the people who we are, as opposed to be judged solely on the grounds that we haven't married and therefore have failed. And the Yomim Noraim are the hardest time to find that respect- both within our communities and within ourselves.

Stay strong and keep smiling.

(90)
Mrs.Epstein,
August 28, 2007 7:33 AM

my ideas:

Do this:

Stop exclusively hanging out with singles

Start inviting married couples and families to your home for a meal. You can cook and clean up. They do appreciate it. I was single and once had 10 people over for a Shabbos lunch (including a single mother with 5 kids). I didn't expect anyone to take care of me.Join a synagogue. Pay the dues. Join sisterhood. Volunteer at the shul or school.This is how you will meet new people. You will be known as a person who is willing to do nice things for other people.

Cook meals for Bikur Cholim. Visit the sick, drive people to the doctor. Assist a new mother with errands or child care.If we want others to reach out to us, we need to not think of our problems and start reaching out to others.This all worked for me. I was a divorced, newly observant older single but people saw me as a very nice person,not as someone to whisper about and feel pity for because I was single.This is the time of year for introspection and to make a change!

(89)
Zissi,
August 27, 2007 8:50 PM

Get out of the shadchanus business

To the shadchanit who told Friedl that she would never find her a husband-get out of the shadchunus business and never come back! What chutzpah-who are you to tell anyone that you can't find a husband for anyone?

(88)
Anonymous,
August 27, 2007 8:32 PM

Stop only thinking about yourself

Instead of always being a guest, invite people to your shabbos/yom tov table. Think about how you can help others instead of moaning about your single state. I got married at 27 after I started doing volunteer work helping a sick woman with her kids for an hour a week. As someone else said, why don't you make a meal for someone who is sick or sitting shiva, r''l, or has given birth? It's better being single than miserably married, divorced or being an agunah, G-d forbid. May you find the right one at the right time soon.

(87)
Anonymous,
August 26, 2007 3:24 AM

Amazing insight

Thank you for reminding me again how much we need to keep you guys in our prayers. I try to make it point to invite singles for Shabbat and they know they can call me anytime. Thank you for allowing us into your thoughts and feelings. May Hashem answer all your prayers THIS YEAR!

(86)
Elisa,
August 26, 2007 2:27 AM

Sam: Huh?

Who said anything about soulmates - or anything "romantic." People are talking about marriage with real, imperfect mates -- marriage and children, the basis of Jewish families.

(85)
Lisa,
August 23, 2007 10:05 PM

I feel the same way

The author did a wonderful job at sharing her honest feelings. I have to commend her for being so honest as it poses vunerability. I struggle with very similar issues as a single woman in my late 20's. I have been actively seeking a marriage partner for about 6 years, and it often feels hopeless. I am personally struggling with living in a community that does not have a lot of Jews. The ones who are Jewish by birth have abandoned their heritage and are dating and marrying out of the faith. While I have not gone this route yet, the fate seems inevitable.... particularly when Jewish men seem to prefer everything but Jewish. This is how I feel, and the reality I face.

(84)
Sam,
August 23, 2007 9:32 PM

For the love of g-d!...stop!!!

everybody keeps on complaining about the lack of "soulmates", about how lonely they are, moan moan moan!!! am sorry to say, but do these things really exist in today's society...are we allowing enough space for this so-called soulmate to flourish...are'nt we all so self-absorbed with the latest episode of OC, with our bevvies, hobbies or the football scores to make a so called 'soul-mate'...have'nt we all reduced our threshold of tolerance so low that we simply call it a quit when the going gets tough? relationships dont just appear out of nowhere, we create them, or we choose not to. there is no such a thing as a perfect soulmate, a clone that likes and dislikes the same as us, that we agree with all the time...but there is humility, meekness and acceptence, thats how relationships worked in the past, and for that same reason, why marriage is now failing amongst our people...we are all to blame..and that is why the meek shall inherit the earth...literally!!!

(83)
aviva,
August 23, 2007 4:42 PM

Friedl -You've seen inside my heart

Thank you for writing this and putting words to the experiences and feelings I've also endured! Thank you also to Aish for publishing it. I think it is really important for Jewish organizations and establishments to acknowledge and repair this trend of amazing young women not being able to find a shidduch among their male counterparts. We need teffillos and action!

(82)
Anonymous,
August 23, 2007 4:05 PM

The loss of past Loves are constant reminders-

We remember those who we loved and lost for whatever reason, this time of year, and espcially various Shabbats, and Yom Tovim. And when I read the gentleman Michael's account of losing his wife, no one should know of that type of loss. It makes me think that our Frum Society insists that it is so easy to replace those who we lost either because of the 2 dreadful D'S/ DIVORCE AND DEATH CHAS VASHALOM. THOSE LOSSES are traumatic and not easy to get over it. And I am truly tired of people telling me and my friends who either lost a spouse though Divorce or Death, that we should find New Basherts, and that Hashem does not want us to be alone. I feel if Hashem wanted us with our spouses then divorce and death would not happen. But I am not saying those of us who experienced these losses should never remarry, but I feel we should take our time to heal, and not let others pressure us to make rash decisons, until we are mentally able to accept another love in our life. The loneliness of the Shabbats, and the Yom Tovim should not make us Singles feel worthless and so unhappy, that we must be married no matter what. We have to make sure that we are not on the rebound from past relationships, so we can give the new ones a chance to work out, the odds are against us anyway, why bring more baggage to it?So I plead for our Klal to stop pressuring both first and second time singles to marry 123/ and give us the benefit of the doubt that we are cautious and not picky, or think that we are so perfect, that we want perfect spouses. So please give us a break, and I do truly feel that this article is a symptom of the pressures we singles face, and a true cry for help. Just look at the numerous comments here on this article. So I ask our Frum, and Erlich Klal please stop hurting, and Pressuring us singles to marry, and ease up on the nagging and pressure.And stop asking us when you have not seen us a long time- "NU ARE YOU ENGAGED YET?" WHY ARE YOU SO PICKY, AND YOU ARE SO NICE CAN'T YOU FIND SOMEONE ALREADY?" Just as Couples who experience Ferlity issues, do not want the reminders that they can't have a child, we singles do not need anymore reminders that our Basherts are so elusive and difficult to find. We are in the Yad of Hashem, and the sooner we accept this fact, the better we all will be.Shanah Tovah to all and May Hashem give those who search for their Basherts a chance to find them.And for Micheal who lost his precious wife I want to wish you only simcahs, and may Hashem bring Nachat and Brochot to you and your family. May he watch over you, and comfort you at this difficult time, and as much as it is hard to still have fate in him at this difficult time, your late wife would not want you to turn away from your fate, and all that you had together, and may eventually you have comfort from the memories of your past love. It will take time, but I wish for you only the best.And I wish the best to everyone out here, and thanks for this article which is long over due to discuss this important issue.Shanah Tovah to all.

(81)
Yehudis,
August 23, 2007 11:15 AM

to Elisa:

Indeed, reread the article and notice the following:

1) If a society repeatedly bemoans the existence of people like me without taking action to help change my objectionable status ... [Should we stop bemoaning? What sort of action would she like?]2) Jewish society expects people to get married... [society or halacha? this sounds like she's annoyed, why?]3) Let this be the year that my friend's friend doesn't unhelpfully inform me of the lack of good guys but rather goes home and makes a list. She'll make some phone calls. She'll find at least five good guys to set up with at least a few of the oceans of good girls she claims to know ...[hmmm, so the finger is pointed at me, and what if I don't have a list of good guys because they are married, or I have some suggestions but you reject them, then what?]

4) Let this be the year that more rabbis and communal leaders stop screaming gevalt over the increasing numbers of unmarried older people and start doing something about it. Let them start addressing issues of commitment, of derech eretz, of communal structures -- whatever it is that is holding so many of us back.[she don't know what it is but she's blaming others, what exactly do she want people to do so that she gets married?]

5)Let this be the year when people remember to include single people and divorced people and other people without families [implying that in previous years single people were not invited]

I don't think this is about my defensiveness but about someone else's ...

Again, I wish all singles well and that they marry very soon, happily! Unfortunately, my experience in suggesting shiduchim to older singles has been less than encouraging.

(80)
Anonymous,
August 23, 2007 8:59 AM

moving plea//gives others pause to reflect/will pray for you

"Please, God, switch: Test me with the hard work that marriage entails. Let me be struggling, sleep-deprived and isolated, like all of my friends when they had their first babies. Let me think I'll go crazy if I don't get some time alone, a moment's peace. Let my in-laws be annoying me, and confusing me over which side of the family to go to for the holidays. Challenge me with a step-child or two."

Thanks for the eye opener. I often feel overloaded and fail to overcome challenges successfully.It is helpful to know that these challenges may be blessings and some others wish for them. I'll say a prayer for you but I think it is Confucianism or another Eastern religion that says be careful what you wish for as you may get it.It's one thing to have to meet problems, but to request annoying in laws and challenging step kids is scary stuff .I'll pray your prayers are answered and if so that you are successful in meeting the challenges

(79)
Elisa,
August 23, 2007 2:51 AM

to Yehudis

Yehudis, why so defensive? Reread the article. She's not blaming "society" (see what she writes at the end). She said that society should stop complaining about the singles crisis and do more, individually and communally.

It's great that you invite single people, but ask any single person -- a lot of us do feel left out.

I read the article as her sharing her pain--pain felt by a lot of people--to raise awareness of an issue, not to blame anyone.

(78)
Michael,
August 23, 2007 12:12 AM

Terrific Article

I lost my wife unexpectedly I understand what its like to be single, because part of me is gone. I understand what Its like when it seems G-d doesn't answer our prayers. I've struggled with my faith because of it, she was far too young and in good health. but I do believe there is a special someone, a soul mate for each and every one of us and if we can keep the faith he will do the finding for each and every person who is faithfully looking. I know this is true because G-d found mine and even though I've lost her I wouldn't trade what he had together for anything.

(77)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2007 10:42 PM

Thank you for this reminder!

Thank you so much for reminding us of this enormous challenge in the Jewish community. I will always remember the many, many, many wrenching years that I searched for my bashert; thank you for forcefully recalling those pain-filled years to the very front of my mind this Elul.

I will daven for you and other Jewish singles and those who are still waiting to start families. And after reading this article, I will go and call a single woman I know and invite her to holiday meals - your article has really remindend me how important that is.

It can be so frustrating when we really don't know any good men to set up the many single women we know with. (Like your friend, I really do know lots of single women and no single men - and that's not a cop-out; I do ask my friends if they know any men for some of my unmarried friends.) It's maddening that there seem to be many more single women looking to settle down than men - that's definitely a challenge communal leaders ought to be taking up.

Thank you for your painfully honest article, and I will daven that you marry your bashert very, very soon. Hatzlicha. Thank you.

(76)
Yehudis,
August 22, 2007 9:17 PM

not appreciated

I don't appreciate the author's placing the blame on "society" repeatedly in her article. Is it really the rabbis fault that she isn't married? I don't think so. She's demanding action, what does she expect them to do for her?

And I invite single guests. The author seems to think that in prior years they were all left alone.

I understand she is in pain, and I wish her the best.

(75)
tamara,
August 22, 2007 8:03 PM

I understand. ..

I read your article with empathy and admire the guts it probably took you to put your situation out there for the whole world to read. I just want to comment on the reader/comment who told you to "stop looking" and that when you're not looking is when you will find your Bashert. Later on, though, she tells you to "look in the unobvious places." I am not sure what your reaction was, but I have never found those kinds of comments helpful. If I've got it straight, you're supposed to wear blinders on an everyday basis, but then if you happen upon some nook or cranny where there are not apt to be eligible Jewish men, at that point, you can start searching again? I see.

I also just want to make a general comment that around family-centric Orthodox people, I often feel like they see me first and foremost as an unmarried woman. I am an intelligent, attractive woman with an interesting and successful career, but at shul the only thing people want to ask me about is my dating/marital status. At least it doesn't sound like you are getting those kind of comments and questions. If you do, I suggest we single gals band together and start asking married people about something equally intimate. . . say, their sex lives?

I am surprised that Jerusalem is not more fruitful for your dating. I really hope that you meet and marry the man of your dreams in 5768! :-)

(74)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2007 1:32 PM

There are good guys...

I married in my late twenties... let's say, bordering 30. I attended Bais Yaakov, I graduated whatever school I attended with honors, and I led a very interesting life... and there were very few shadchanim who would touch a person like me (I have a very convoluted background) with a "good guy." Fortunately, a "didn't look too promising" guy, just out of an alternative grad school without a job, whose family didn't have money, who didn't attend a great yeshiva, found me.

I used to be one of those people who said there weren't any "good guys." I learned the long way that sometimes, it takes looking a lot deeper than we're comfortable with to find a "good guy." More and more of my "older" single friends in their 30s are dating guys they "never would have dated" - and finding out just how wrong they were. Guys who just began their path. Guys without jobs. Guys who are overweight or divorced or less formally educated or sing funny at the table. Good luck... if we believe these guys are "No good" - we're discounting a tremendous segment of our community - and we're probably wrong - and we're all bound to end up single for a lot longer than we'd like.

(73)
Michael from Auckland, New Zealand,
August 22, 2007 8:42 AM

Easy for some to talk

I've noticed certain few intividuals here and in the wider Jewish community who are the most apt at lecturing are also in the least position to understand. For example: It is especially smug and arrogant to claim that God wants some people to be single and other cute slogans - if you're married or happily-single by choice - in which instances your cute philisopical perscriptions are unwelcome. This attitude is one regulary encountered by the Marriage Minded Jewish Single from the "I'm all right Jack" crowd who unfortunitely put little, if any, effort into helping fix the problem because they see the problem as "G-d's will" rather then "This is something I could help do tikkun on".

(72)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2007 7:33 AM

People put too much emphasis on marriage-

while I am not a downer on marriage, I do feel that people place too much pressure on first time, and second time singles to marry- that they are worthless if they do not marry. What is helpless is to be in a bad marriage just for the sake to be married. And not everyone is meant to be married, and have kids. Some people are suitable in this role in life, while some just can't do these tasks. It is like some people are meant for certain professions in life, while others are meant for other jobs. We as Jews must stop lumping people into becoming clones of one another, thinking we all can live the exact same lifestyles. Hashem made us different with various purposes in life, and we have to accept this fact. Marriage and family are great for certain people, while others just can't handle the emotionally, physical, and economic demands of this endeavor. And it does not make a person look bad if they can't handle this, it makes them look selfish when they undertake this task in life, and mess it up so bad to create an unhappy family.So my advice to this single woman who wrote this article, build up your talents in life, and look at yourself as a worthy person, not worthless because you are not married. Hashem created you with a purpose in life, and always remember that. And just because you are not married now, does not make you less worthy in life.Try to be grateful for all that the gifts Brochot Hashem gives you daily.Shanah Tovah to one and all- from a friend here.

(71)
Anonymous,
August 22, 2007 7:20 AM

I know that writing this doesn't change things, but I would like to tell you that you are not alone. I sympathize with every sentiment you expressed here because I too have experienced it. One thing that I have taken up as a result, is working hard to set up other friends of mine. While I may not have all the answers, I clearly remember the chazal "if you daven for someone, your prayers will be answered first." Don't get me wrong, I would be thrilled if one of the shidduchim I come up with should be successful. However, I find this is a good segulah to find a shidduch and makes me feel that I am being proactive about the shidduch crisis, and not just a passive bystander.

(70)
hopey5000,
August 21, 2007 4:25 PM

finding self-fulfillment

Our religion talks about family but also about being happy, and helping people.

Single people have perhaps a greater ability to improve the world. 20,000 Jewish principals, educator, holocaust survivors and others talked about Elie Wiesel's book Night, but it was only when Oprah recommended it that it became a best-seller.

You have more time, sometimes more money, and the ability to easily travel, see the world, help people, find yourself. Hopefully you will find the right person, but don't be too quick to envy others.

Life is a series of cycle and a half century of experience taught me to enjoy each; don't be too quick to anticipate having getting married, having children, then then go to school, and then grandkids.

Find fulfillment and happiness, and the Torah's Commandments teaches us not to envy the other's husband or wife.

(69)
mo,
August 21, 2007 3:30 PM

Who's fault is it?

i may be making a big mistake by going this way and making it as if it's so simple, so please forgive me... I feel like maybe the way i can help you is by giving you a strong slap of reality and a big push. Why arent you married? did every guy you dated say 'no' to you? if so then maybe you need some self improvement. If not, then why are you blaming everyone else for your sad singleness, why didnt u marry one of those guys? Do you think all of us married-folk married 'the perfect match'? Do you really think that the guy who waited till he was 35 to commit, found a girl that was so much better than the one he dated when he was 25? I dont. I think that it just wasnt until he was 35 that he realized that he wanted to be committed and married, and at 25 he couldn've just as well 'settled' and married the girl he was dating, (and hopefully later realized that that was the best thing he'd ever done and that he wasnt settling!) I'm sure it sucks to be where you are and hope ur able to get out of there asap.(and in response to those who ask "why wait for happiness till ur married?" cuz if ur too happy single, u may never push urself into getting married)

(68)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2007 3:14 PM

I want to tell you that I know how painful being single can be. You may or may not appreciate this comment but sometimes a person's name- although it may carry much sentiment for us throughout our life- but it may not have the right "Mazal" for us. When I was engaged- and having serious doubts- my Rabbi added a name to my name. You may think that is strange - but I truly felt that the name I added helped me to become the wife (and mother of four children) that I am today. I wish for you blessings, success, and good year and a very happy future.

(67)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2007 1:18 PM

another perspective...

I'm married, children and grandchildren...life still is not perfect...lonliness still prevalent. My heart longs desperately for HaShem. No one can fill that void. Everyone has their issues, whether married or single, children or none, old or young. Quit looking...you will find; concentrate on being a blessing to others whereever you go, however you can. Organize lonely people to be together for the Holy days, without concentrating on matchmaking. Accept each other--the fat, the tall, the skinny, the homely, the short, the lovely, the wealthy, the poor...and yes, look in unobvious places for love. You have no idea how many in the diaspora who don't even know they are Jewish are looking at the Hebraic roots of their faith and beginning to return to them with their whole hearts, keeping all the commandments, learning the Torah and feeling left out by their Jewish kinsmen. They are rejected by all. Give them a try. Their faith is so important to them, because it has been stolen from them for such a long time.Praise HaShem...He inhabits the praises of His people!

(66)
Cat,
August 21, 2007 12:42 PM

Adoption

I understand your predicament. I am a single mom with two children and sometimes find myself feeling lonely especially at this time...but I was wondering if it was possible for you to adopt a child..maybe two or even three to give them our rich Jewish heritage to pass on...I know it is no replacement for a husband by no means and it does not fulfill the mitzvah of marriage but we have this one life to live and children are truly a blessing of every imaginable sort. I find myself fulfilled in many ways being a mom even while being single. Adoption would give a child a chance to let you be the wonderful mother you sound like you could be.

Good luck to you!

(65)
Jonathan Kahn,
August 21, 2007 11:50 AM

A completely uninhibited essay

I was extremely pleased to note that someone had the courage to let go of their emotions, and 'spread the word'. It certainly made me feel better. I'd love to meet her

(64)
MIRZA,
August 21, 2007 7:44 AM

Very interested in your service

Ireally like your service . It is not only realistic but very decent .

(63)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2007 6:26 AM

Who lives (or did it) does understand

One of the hardest test in life is being alone without having looked for, and every more day it becomes an embarassing and painful torture...May G-d show all of us His mercy!

Your idea that I look overseas is one that has been suggested to me before, but tell where would I go? Overseas trips cost thousands of dollars... I can't just throw a dart at the map of the world and say "I'll try there this week". Anyway New Zealand really is the best place in the diaspora to live right now IMHO.Last of all - I note that many posters are on their 2nd time around. I'm 27 - I haven't had a first time. Anyway if someone wants to write to me about anything my e-mail address is michael (at) cybershul (dot) com.

(61)
Mummy,
August 21, 2007 3:07 AM

I don't know any single guys

I am married, I have a baby. I don't HAVE hoards of single men running around me. Most of my husband's friends are married. And the ones who aren't are commitment phobes who need therapy to get them to GROW UP. I dafka invite single people although tell them if they find a meal with hoards of single men I don't mind being dumped as a choice. I try to set friends up as much as I can but most of the time it takes industrial effort just to convince both guy and girl to go out with each other. I mean one evening! I am required to give a full psychological analysis why I think it might or might not work! I dunno, I just thought you might like each other.I'm busy, I have a nappy to change, baby to wash, the idea came to me in a stroke of inspiration when cleaning up an upturned bowl of baby cereal I too was briefly in the Katamon swamp and part of the problem is that the whole think reeked of desperation that I ran a mile....and ended up running straight into my husband's arms. You have to be happy with yourself otherwise you will waste the next few years/months/days - hopefully days. Don't go on dates panicking about marriage.. yes be focused but take it cooly and easy on the first meeting and give it another meeting and see how you go. Yes it is hard being single... I was 27 almost 28 when I got married and I was sure I would never meet someone. Broaden your horizons, think outside the box.Also remember that your married friends with babies are so busy that there isn't a lot of time free to interview single guys although I do my best to find where they are hiding out and trying to write a few names down. I set up two people this year and failed on both accounts. I try I really do. You really have to try to fight your unhappiness and desperation and have faith and project happiness and coolness. I was in shul with the baby on shabbat in Katamon. I suddenly picked up the weekly sheet and gave a gasp of delight as I saw someone I knew from about 7 years back was engaged. So it does happen. But I really agree with Joy, self pity isn't attractive nor is unhappiness. I remember one girl saying "I'm not going to that Bar Ilan event. I know I won't meet my husband there." You can't make your life about meeting your husband. I advise you as someoen who was single, to find a nice chevra, socialize, take an open view - think beyond your list and most of all live life to the max. Project happiness and interest and you will be irresitable and lovable.

(60)
joy,
August 20, 2007 11:34 PM

sad commentary

I would have to agree with Blanka, why wait for happiness until one is married? why??!!! it doesn't make sense to me. I too suffered many years as single-I'm 36 but one good day I told myself that I would stop victimizing myself by my predicament, living by my emotions and agreeing with the opinions others had of me. One good day I decided to pray for God to give me the strength to live out my season of singleness with dignity and grace and He has. One good day I decided life is too short for me to wallow in what I don't have. Jews are people that have nachas, chutzpah, we pride ourselves for the ability to reinvent ourselves through all our circumstances because we know to live by faith, not by the whims of our emotions. This is the legacy we have given to the world, living by faith. ...I don't get why some people just want to commiserate for long, long periods of time, this self-torture. Thank you for reminding us anonymous that this is the time when we are closest to Hashem. You know Freidl, I say this with the best of intentions to you; what if this guy anonymous had met you in person, he would have sensed your neediness. You would have turned off a good prospect maybe. Take charge, like our ancestor Ruth, keep doing your work for God (as she was gleaning the field) and a Boaz might be looking out for you. I read the story not too long ago, the bible says that Boaz praised Ruth by telling her that she did not run after younger men, rich or poor! Ruth was devoted to her work, her business, what an example as a widowed single woman that she leaves behind.

(59)
Sorah,
August 20, 2007 6:40 PM

Response to Freidl Liba

My heart aches for your pain. I was 50 y.o. when I met my husband, who is a true prince! Do not give up. Hashem has someone for you. There are good guys out there, definitely. The ones that say there aren't really do not know who is running the world. Hashem has all the guys, all the money and all of the brachas and your prayers will be answered. Not only that, but your guy will be so incredible...beyond what you can every imagine at this moment. Hashem will provide someone much better than you can imagine. Hatzlochah and Bracha. Sorah

(58)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 6:24 PM

Alone at Yomim Noraim - and haven't lost your way

I totally understand everything you wrote. I was single for a long time myself before, b'H, finally finding my husband. It is so normal to feel the way you do around Rosh Hashana time -- that's when everything is decreed for the coming year and a reminder that another year has passed. Throughout the huge nisayon of dating - keep your head up - Hashem chose you because you are so special to him and can succeed in this test. And don't give up!! Many people, after years and years of frustration, have found their zivugim. Even though you weren't answered yes before now, every tefilla helps! Ask Hashem for strength and the ability to reach out to Him especially on Rosh Hashana. May you be inscribed for a year of simcha, brocha, and finding your zivug! :)

(57)
Gemma,
August 20, 2007 5:35 PM

None of the following is meant to sound patronizing - it is truly coming from my heart!

Freidl Liba bas Chava,

I think you're amazing.

Just from reading your article I can tell that you're one of those truly special people. I cannot even imagine how strong and beloved to Hashem you have become by going through all that you've gone through - how many mitzvos you've carried out in secret, how many tears you've cried in tefillos, how often you've succeeded in holding your tongue at all those well-meaning but completely off-the-mark comments, and how many times you've managed to be truly b'simcha for your friends, even though you yourself feel lacking.

It's incredible, and we have no idea what a lofty madreiga you are on. I really like what Esther says, about this world being upside-down. It's just a sad fact that in this world, where it's so easy to be shallow and forget to look below the surface, people in your situation have to deal with kind but pitying glances rather than the unbelievable kavod they deserve.

It's not just the amazing, busy, balabustas, juggling bringing up a large family with doing tremendous work in the Jewish community who are the tzedekeses - so are you and all the people in your situation, and all the people in other situations - anyone who cries out to Hashem, anyone who feels like life is so hard but says, Hashem, for You, I'm gonna try anyway. The only difference is, your righteousness is harder to attain, because no one knows about it, there is no kavod that goes along with it. On the contrary, you have to deal with feeling left out and pitied.

But Hashem loves you! He loves you so much and is holding you so close to him - I cannot even imagine.

The way we see things is not the way Hashem sees things.

(I didn't mean to write so much. All I really wanted to say was that I think you're amazing!)

In the zechus of pouring your heart out in your article, which can't have been easy, but which is now deeply affecting thousands of people in so many different positive ways...

May Hashem bless you with so much bracha, strength and growth this year.

May you come close to Him during the Yamim Noraim, and not have to feel any of the pain and discomfort you've been dreading - remember, He can do anything, so may you be sweetly surprised!

May you feel so close to Him, may you feel Him answering your tefillos.

May He bless you so soon with a husband worthy of you, and together may you build a beautiful, deep, loving bayis ne'eman b'yisrael.

With love from one Jew to another

(56)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 3:38 PM

Beutiful Text

Congratulations!!! Really beautiful your faith in ha Kadosh Baruch Hu. I hope you will find a good idish meidale husband this year. May Hashem bless you together with all the ones in klal Israel without a partner. May Hashem make you find each other graciously and quickly. May one of those be my sister.

(55)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 3:16 PM

Between the High Cost of seats for Yom Tov-

and being a Second Time Single, seeing couples togeher makes me very uncomfortable going to schul, and so I would rather pray at home, without the gossip, and distractions taking away my concentration and Kavanah in My Tefillot. Also my son and I are never invited to anyone for any Yom Tov meals, so we have to endure the loneliness, and high cost of the food of the Chaggim on our fixed income, but we rather deal with these issues, than the Loshon Hara that is hurled at us, when this time of year people should not be committing any sins at all, especially to a fellow man.A Shanah Tovah to all. And please remember those who will feel lonely this time of year, and if I did not have an ex husband who owes me alot of back child support, I would be in better shape financially to invite others to our home for the Chaggim.

(54)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 2:26 PM

Rosh Hashanah and our prayers

Dear Freidl,I empathize with your thoughts, but, I need to tell you that I would change my focus from getting married this next year to what has God for myself this next year... Perhaps, since you know about your capabilities, it is time for you to get closer, in spirit and action, to your Synagogue or to a religious movement which will bring you to the top of helpers and comitted people in your society! I do not believe that only marriage can solve all the problems and difficulties in life. I would first of all change my focus, from a desperate situation, which you yourself indeed agrees that is related also to GodÂ´s will, and try to find a meaningful life in other sectors of life, opening thus a field and a spectrum of possibilities, be in business, politics, social affaires and religious communities and relief programs. I would complete this year 44 years of marriage. 30 of them as divorced. My ex-husband died this past month and I have three kids and two grand-children...Those past 30 years have not been easy for me and for my youngest son who is disabled...But what I deeply appreciated most was my RabbiÂ´s presence at our Synagogue, the beautiful celebrations and events there, and the "Family" I found amidst people who really cared for me and was concerned with my happinesss and well-being.I am deeply spiritual and I have never complained to God for my hurts and wounds. And this Rosh Hashanah I will prepare my life to take a new upturn, to devote myself to other causes, to people in need and to my Community.I am sure you have plenty of wisdom and capabilites and you will find your unique mission in life, which no one man can fulfill.Shalom!

(53)
shlomi,
August 20, 2007 12:33 PM

frum world take notice!!!

matchmakers who speak so rudely are harming the jewish world. the woman should have been kinder and supportive and referred her to another shadchan. i am so so tired of these women who treat matchmaking like the shmata business. feh feh!!! to all of them.

we need menschlekeit from these women.

frum world, wake up!!!!

(52)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 12:23 PM

Single in Yerushalayim

Hey, at least you're in Yerushalayim. Try being single in Stamford, Connecticut. I'd trade apartments for the chagim with you happily.

(51)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 11:23 AM

The "I wish I could syndrome" (and an answer to "Have you lost your way")

Some of the commentators noted the "Wish I Could Syndrome" where coupled and single friends tell you that they wish they could fix you up but..... . It is a frustrating state of affairs. I too have paid for a matchmaker and never got matched up. Its a con to swindle vunerable people out of their money. In some ways it is comforting to know that I'm not the only one getting the condescending comments such as "You'll find the one... blah blah someday" and getting written off by friends but on the other hand I'm also so sad that others know the pain of being forever single and left out. Its amazing how ostracized single people are in the Jewish community whether its a Yom Tov or just a regular day. To be invited even to a regular secular dinner party or to be included in a powerwalk with some of the married women I know would be wonderful. But as a single I'm out of luck. While I was briefly dating someone I was suddenly included in more activities with and without him. Now that he's moving several thousand miles away alone I'm no longer all that welcome! Also to answer Comment 48: Heck yes even during Rosh Hashanah one can legimitaley feel a bit down about being single! ESPECIALLY AT HOLIDAYS! when the children are all dressed up and families are going to shul together and having elaborate meals and celebrations together. Especially at the New Year when you assess how the past year has been for you. In fact I would say that the holidays are the absolute worst time of the year. I HATE Pesach and the High Holy Days. To the point that I have to be dragged to seder. I don't hate it b/c of the holiday itself but because my dreams of having a Passover dinner with my friends and with a home and family of my own seem even farther away at these times. Build a Sukkah for Sukkot? Its a two person job, where's that second person? And then what, sit in it alone every night? No thank you! Most of my single friends run home for the holidays so they can at least be with their parents. But I cannot leave work for any extra days so I'm stuck here here. Alone. This year like the few before it I'll probably skip RH and YK altogether and just go to work rather than sit alone in services. again. hoping for pity from people who will take me in for a few hours so they can feel good about helping the pathetic single woman. I'm not a pessimist or a negative person, I try very very hard to be an active community member and am a social and outgoing person. But the fact is that getting married is a ticket into the community. Without a ring you're just a spectator and looked down upon by the "real" community members. For many of us its just easier to avoid it.

(50)
Chaya Newman,
August 20, 2007 11:13 AM

Powerful, sobering article!

Thank you for sharing such poignant and personal thoughts with us. I am a shadchanit and I would like to speak with you. If you are in Israel, you can call me at 02-997-1815. If you are in the States, you can call me at 440-540-4455 (before 3:00 pm on the East Coast). I want to hear from you!

(49)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 9:52 AM

others are alone too

I read your article because the title seemed to relate to me - but found it did not. I am in my 60's, a good person who always goes out of my way to help others - & have come to dread the holidays because I probably will be alone -- without any places to join warm people for Yom Tov meals! One year Rosh Hashanah was so depressing, I was crying hysterically because I had to head home to an empty apt. with just me & my own one-person "festive" meal within my own 4 walls, & no human companionship to celebrate the season with. It was one of the worst experiences of my Jewish life, & I was shocked that I was relegated to this situation. A friend who used to have me over for holiday meals has made aliyah, & the rebbetzin who used to sometimes invite me has newbies who take precedence over me, + she has limited room with a large family. So I fall between the cracks, & people are probably not aware of the keen pain of being so utterly alone & isolated at such occasions! I dread the onset of the new year again currently, & - ironically - can't wait for the period to be over so I don't have to be painfully alone when everyone heads to their or someone else's abode with eager anticipation & returns with the warm glow of a great meal in good company & a feeling of rejoicing in the yom tov & its significance. For me, it's something I just have to endure & get through with the least possible amt. of grief. You cannot imagine how awful this feeling is unless/until you have experienced it! I do not wish this on my worst enemy! And the pain is all the more acute after you have had years of precedent where it is just the opposite -- i.e., years when you were a welcome and prized guest & did not have to spend the holidays alone. Sitting in shul & davening is OK alone - though not ideal, of course; but the part that most people look forward to -- i.e., heading home for a wonderful festive time & meal & great camaraderie -- is the part that instills the greatest depression. Returning home to an empty house is like a knife cutting into your ability to be happy & to appreciate the holiday & its significance! To me, it is like a punishment, not something to savor! I wish people would be more sensitive to people in my situation and make sure that no one has to go home from shul to an empty house when most of the Jewish world is together and celebrating!

(48)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 9:04 AM

Alone at Yomim Noraim? Have you lost your way?

I read this piece and felt, firstly, amused...but then became profoundly saddened. I simply don't understand how a Jew can consider himself/herself alone at this most important time of the year. I am divorced with no family nearby, but spend this time of the year cleaning the house, etc. (By the way, I am a male.) This is the time of year when we are closest to HaShem. I simply do not understand how your focus can be on your unmarried status.

(47)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 8:37 AM

Do not complain....

...at least you still have jewish prospects and jewish matchmakers, wherever you are.

In Spain there is almost no chance for those over thirtysomething to marry jewish...

Just think about it...maybe that will make the difference.

:-)

Shanna Tova!

(46)
Esther,
August 20, 2007 7:25 AM

Mashiach is coming!

Hi Freidi! I totally understand and relate to every single word. Yes, we've all heard it and we witness it everyday; so many amazing single women, but where are the men!? And you hear that it's your fault for being too picky, for wanting someone as special as you etc etc. And maybe it's true. But at then end of the day, you feel like screaming out: "enough! So I make mistakes! Are you telling me that all those other girls that get married are perfect!? So what's the deal!? Do You expect more of me then them!?!". Only G-d knows. All we can do is keep praying and believing I guess. In the meantime, the only thing that reassures me is this: It is said that during the messianic times, the world will appear to be upside-down-like. As if everything seemed to go against logic. Like the shop-owners that act as if they're doing you a favor. Or the children that lead their parents down the path of Teshuva (instead of the other way around). Or the truly amazing single women who are still single...So at least rejoice with this: Mashiach is coming!

(45)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 4:09 AM

causes

I'm not saying that the following is applicable to you, but it might be to someone else who reads this. There is a story in the Gemmora of a women who got married and had two children.Each of the children died a stange death.She asked her husband why these strange things are happening, and then he remembered what he did a long time ago that caused the tragedies. Sometimes we do things that cause others so much pain that we have to pay for it even in this world. It's a good idea for all of us (especially at this time of the year) to take a few minutes to review our life and make sure that there isn't someone who cringes every time they remember what we said or did. It's also a good time to forgive everyone who did bad to us even if it's for the selfish reason that Hashem should forgive our mistakes as we forgave others.

(44)
Anonymous,
August 20, 2007 3:21 AM

comments that hurt may be well meant

a comment on the article and many comments. did anyone ever consider the idea that sometimes people don't know what to say and are well intentioned when they stick their foot in their mouth with comments such as "there are no good guys (meant to compliment the wonderful girl)" or the bracha of iy"H by you??? i find it so frustrating to want to wish people well in the most meaningful way only to have them sulk or roll their eyes at you b/c for some reason that comment hurts them. what do you want us to say??? is it not true that that may be just what someone wants to hear? i really do wish people well and when i say iyH by you to my older single friends many respond AMEN. from your mouth to G-ds ears... in addition, everyone is upset at the apparent not doing anything in the frum community. why don't you help us come up with ideas on this comments as to what to do. understand that many married women shy away from doing something for lack of ideas. i myself have tried to set up many people with little results. it takes a tremendous amount of time and effort which i gladly would give if at least people would appreciate the times that we do try. again to any older singles reading this comment give some advice as to what you want people to do when you complain that nothing is being done. thank you. bihatzlocha

(43)
Alone Too!,
August 20, 2007 3:14 AM

Specialty

Perhaps, the good that your doing, has been the special assignment G-D choose for you. HE has given you other joys shared by others, yet spared you from the heartbreaks of family life. G-D is in control. HE knows what is ahead for you. " A season is set for everything".

(42)
Kelly Woo,
August 20, 2007 1:47 AM

Wow!

Hello,I would just like to say that anyone who would ask God to "challenge me with a step-child or two" is not selfish. You are selfless. Just today, (I am embarrased to write this),I was bemoaning my step-family and my MIL. You really blew me out of the water with your comment and in a moment, my perspective has changed. So, I will pray for two things. First, that I can truely grow to love and appreciate my step sons and mother-in-law. Second, that you find your husband soon. Thank you.

(41)
bonnie,
August 20, 2007 12:07 AM

You do have my prayers

Of course, I will pray for you and all lonely people. This is sort of funny, you want the great blessing, yet your loneliness that caused you to write this, the reading of it, has been a blessing for me..I guess the worst part of loneliness is believing that we are all alone in that.

(40)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 11:35 PM

Response to Season of Isolation

I empathize with this young woman's predicament. We live in the US, but always try to include singles of all ages and reasons at our shabbat and yom tov table. However, it appears to me that frum Anglos in their 30's and 40's are still searching for sheduchim because they are unrealistic about the need to see that the positive in their dates far out-weighs the negatives. Waiting for Mr. or Miss Perfect is a pipe-dream! They will probably end up searching for the rest of their lives, or at least till their child-bearing years have passed. Although no one should have to "settle", life IS a compromise, and everyone must be open to some measure of compromise! I tell this to my own grown children also. B'hatzlacha to you in finding your way to let some worthy gentleman into your life!

(39)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 11:26 PM

Sad Commentary

It is very sad that any woman feel so devastated and alone without a man in her life. There are other, perhaps more important things in life than being a wife. Women must find other issues to address in their lives, so that they not feel the desperation described by the woman in this story.

(38)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 11:13 PM

so true

I'm a bit jealous that Friedl has so many invitations for the holidays. ALthough I know her pain I am also in awe of the fact that her coupled friends are opening their homes to her. This year I plan to open my own home for some of my friends... not to wait until I'm married to do the hostessing that I love to do!!!!

Please let this be the year that the moans about the increasing number of older Jewish singles and the growing number of intermarriages turns into action instead of words. I have spent many years working to bring social programs to my community for the benefit of single Jewish adults. The most frustrating part was the deliberate sabotage on the part of those in the community with the power to help. Shuls won't fund singles centered programming and then complain that singles won't join or renew their memberships. Please let this be the year that they stop complaining and help us instead of making us feel that we are better off invisible. Let this be the year that we don't have to fight for our right to be included but the year that we feel welcomed and accepted.

(37)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 10:30 PM

I hear ya

Dear Friedl,

I hear your pain, and I have been right there along with you. I will celebrate my 35th birthday next month with half a dozen girlfriends, their fiancees and husbands, and three single friends (two male, one female). I live in a medium sized city and got interested in traditional Judaism several years ago. I tried spending Shabbats with observant families, but I really could not stand all the pitying looks, the questions about who I am dating (or why I'm not dating anyone "special" right now), the half-hearted attempts to help me by suggesting jdate or some random singles event or even !! a self-help tape. It got too much, I had to take a break and as a result I sort of dropped out of the whole Orthodox lifestyle, which is great if your family is observant too but awful and suffocating if you are single. What single people truly need is the concerted effort of the community to not just pity us but to actively try to make matches. I have done it myself, and it resulted in 2 marriages.

Thank you for expressing so eloquently this problem that we face. I truly hope for you (and myself!) a year full of dreams come true. :-)

(36)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 10:20 PM

I could have written this article-word for word

I could have written this article-word for word. maybe writing this was meant to beyour path to seek what you want. Feel free to contact me. I will explain more. 054-779-2625

(35)
chana frumin,
August 19, 2007 9:10 PM

deeply touched

As a marriage counselorI saw this pain and lack of response you write of so I became a shadchanitI interview people about those qualities their frioendships have and look for those qualities in a partnerEveryone has had a friend and this relationship has supported their better and worser mommentsSo I say to people I will be looking for your lifetime friend not some idealization and I work with two others and it is an exciting idea against lonliness and isolationThanks for writing thisyou reminded me why I started the Jerusalem shidduch service.

(34)
noelle stills,
August 19, 2007 7:46 PM

I'M IN THE SAME BOAT AND NEED HELP !!!

I am planning on spending the holidays alone. That is okay with me, I did not convert to have a social life. My belief is my belief.I am trying my best and if it means being alone ,that is okay with me.

(33)
eileen,
August 19, 2007 6:28 PM

great article

Yes, we are part of the Jewish community that needs to be embraced not pityed.

(32)
mollie Saunders,
August 19, 2007 5:51 PM

another pot without a cover

How about trying alaska. Their are lots of men , even jewish men in Ankourage, and a Chabad House too.

(31)
Chaya,
August 19, 2007 5:34 PM

Carpe Diem

OK Michael, you have several lovely ladies here that I hope you will want to get to know better. Perhaps NZ isn't the place for you :)

(30)
shani,
August 19, 2007 5:25 PM

what can i do

this article tore my heart, and literally left me crying like a baby. although i can't fathom the pain you go through i do believe that many people care more and want to help more. in some ways we have no idea what to do, and are left with our hands tied behind our backs trying not to hurt anyone. i would love to host you for shabbos, as many single people find there way to my shabbos meals, and maybe one is for you. please ask aish for my contact information. may you have a year of fulfillment and may you recognize Hashem's love and good.shani

(29)
Jane,
August 19, 2007 4:15 PM

It's a universal problem

I will say a little prayer for you, that if God has the right match for you, that the two of you should meet before too long. I feel your pain. I have been alone again, for 17 years. I didn't think I would have to go on safari to find my basherte, but now I am getting lonely and hope fades. I am not so sure I have what is takes anymore to make someone happy. But, now and then I look around, and I try a little to seek the one that The One might have in mind for me. Your eleven years are young eleven years, don't be disheartened. Do things that make you happy. A smiling or laughing face is the face that will attract your Basherte.

(28)
Blanka,
August 19, 2007 4:08 PM

desire

Sweet dear, what is paining you so? Not having a husband or the desire for a husband? I was in your shoes and only when I accepted, deeply accepted the situation God accepted for me, only then was I instantly free of pain, anxiety and fear. All three negative emotions connecting me with my pain-causing-desire to have things differently.When I stop trying to avoid the pain (by escaping, distracting, rationalizing or hoping) and not only start to accept it but also start try to feel it even more deeply within my body and soul, the pain very strangely was not there. Where is the pain when you try to feel it without thinking it? You can be happy and at peace right now when you stop thinking/desiring all that the society expects you to think and desire. Of course the society with the expectation of marriage can not give healing or support to the unmarried...yet another desire of yours that brings you grieve.

Your mind sends you to search for a solution in the environment which creates the problem in the first place.Stop thinking and feel deep within you...are you not capable of happiness right now? Would God keep happiness away from you only giving it to you through a man or kids or the blessings of society...no way!!!Love is there right now in you for you...you can feel it the moment you stop looking for it outside you.The moment you drop your desire you are free. The moment you stop asking God for something you will notice it is already yours. Peace be with you.

(27)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 3:22 PM

You are in my thoughts and prayers....

Hi Friedl, I did not get married until I was 36 - and I am a southerner. I know how you feel. Now at age 50, no children and multiple pregnancy losses. Signed up for Holy City Prayer Society standard donation and they have been praying for 6 of my family members - stuff is happening. It is not always pleasant, but there are some closeted things being brought to light for which I am grateful. I thought hmmm. Signed up again to have them pray for us for children, then a neighbor gave us two puppies. Don't know if they are preparatory or the final deal, only the Holy One knows for sure, but my husband and I are communicating and collaborating like parents, and putting something more vulnerable than ourselves first. It is amazing....Have not converted yet, but investigating the process and now feel my fears for bringing children into the world as a non-Jew could be alleviated by giving them a Jewish heritage. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

(26)
Devorah,
August 19, 2007 3:00 PM

who are you?

wow, that was an amazing summary of what were all going through. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS, YOUR COURAGE AND YOUR INCREDIBLE HONESTEY!! YOU FIND HIM, AND HE'LL FIND YOU!! know it, believe it, trust that you deserve it just like all the others!! your mother will hold her grandchild very soon in her arms, and all your trust in HIM - will have made the situation and your future so much fuller!! i would love to meet you. please daven for me 2, devorah dorit bat golda. focus on crowning HIM as melech, and He'll take care of the rest!! your new fan, Devorah

(25)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 2:40 PM

A wake-up call to the Jewish community!

Thank you, Freidl, and Aish.com, for publishing this moving article. As a not-so-young single Jewish woman (i.e., early 40s) I identify with your pain, your loneliness, your sense of failure and of watching while seemingly everyone around you has reached milestones-sometimes many milestones- that you feel are out of reach for you. I know this pain and experience it acutely at Jewish holidays and as each birthday approaches. There are no easy answers to these hard questions and issues - why Hashem has not let us meet our basherts yet, if there really is someone for us or not, why us?, how to deal with the loneliness and uncertainty of our situations, how to face the outside world with a smile when inside we are barely able to hold it together, etc. It is indeed a heartache. I admire your perseverance and perspective on your two recent relationships. Let's all keep one another's hopes and dreams alive in our thoughts and prayers and support one another in what surely is one of life's very trying times. Shana tova to you and yours.

(24)
Gayle,
August 19, 2007 2:00 PM

I also am alone!

Dear Freidi and Michael, I am in the same boat but with one added feature! I married "out" but I also got an abuser who makes my days on earth shear hell! I go to all family functions alone, I travel alone, I have no children, although that is what I wanted most of all, I have been given sickness all my life and a horrible marriage! why don't I divorce people ask because then I would have no one at all! Then I would be totally alone! No one would know if I were dead or alive! My abuser also is the only one who contacts me! This may sound insane but that is just how it is! I, too, get so sad when I am invited to others homes for holidays and see all the beautiful children running around and praying every minute to know what my little child would have looked like or felt like! I will never know! I am also very grateful that I am invited but I am never the hostess and I am never "with" anyone! Just me, Married and more alone than I was when I was single!I, too, do not go to shul because of the looks and the way I am made to feel!That is why I married "out" he did not care what religion I was he married me! The abuse came later, this once loving, wonderful man changed and now I am lost!To everyone else reading, G-d has HIS plan but I pray everyday to know what it is already!!!!By the way, Esther, I am from Long Island, NY! I am 49 and it is too late for me at least that is what is drummed into my head until I want to explode!

(23)
James Rosen,
August 19, 2007 12:59 PM

I am single and speciual too...

Shalom & Aloha Freidi,I am a single Jewish man living on Kauai. There are not any single Jewish woman here.

Your article was interesting, however I feel being single as blessing at this point. I do see your points...

How old are you? Maybe we can exchange emails?

(22)
ruth housman,
August 19, 2007 12:52 PM

aching loneliness

I read your beautiful passionate plea to meet someone special, a soul mate and it reads like a prayer. Within I have seen that you have gained so much from your solitary status, in that not only do you recognize what you are missing, in terms of the beauty of these relationships you covet, but also you do have an appreciation that goes deeper and has to do with helping others in your situation and so your prayer is not just for you, but for others, experiencing this ache.

I will pray for you as well, because clearly you are longing for a soul mate and I feel your soul's cry in this heartfelt "letter". Sometimes being solitary places one in a position of having to meditate and ponder one's existence and the vagaries of story, one's own personal story. Sometimes solitary brings one closer to G_d because it forces a confrontation and a prayer as you have done, but gently and with LOVE. So I will add my prayers to yours.

May you meet someone worthy of you to share and cherish!

Life has this habit of throwing us curves and sometimes these curves mould and shape us in new and personally important ways that are not always visible in the moment.

BEST, Ruth

(21)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 12:37 PM

Beautifully written

Dear Freidl Liba,Your article was deeply touching and beautifully written. I, too, am in the same boat and understand exactly how you feel. I am in my mid forties, well educated and blessed with wonderful friends and family. I wish I had a dollar for every person who said, "I can't understand how a lovely woman like you can still be single." Like you, I cringe at their words. I wish the Jewish community would do more to help Jewish singles meet one another. I recently joined a Conservative synagogue. It is awkward to sit by oneself and I can definitely sense the thoughts of couples wondering who I am and/or why I am alone. Some individuals have graciously approached me and welcomed me. Although, it's still awkward, I am hoping by attending shul more regularly, I will be welcomed more. Hang in there. I hope and pray that someday we will both find a mensch! Wishing you beautiful beginnings for the New Year.

(20)
David,
August 19, 2007 11:31 AM

response to #5

Bravo! I am sick of the condecending people that enjoy writing on this, who have no understanding what we are going through, just to patronize and make fun of us for our situation. The writer hit it on the head when she wrote that her friend kept saying, "I know girls but no guys." It is the "almost helped," "I would help you...but" syndrom. Guess what in NY, to what some woman in her 50's wrote, people still treat you like trash for being single. Here in Brooklyn, I am not allowed in some shuls and paying higher rent/receiving less services because of my single situation.

(19)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 11:29 AM

WOW....warm but definately not fuzzy

Freidl Liba made such an impact.....I was single too for a long time. I HATED going back to my home town-always. The pitying eyes said it all!!!! You felt like you commited some sort of crime!!!! Did they think it was our choice??? Then they said we are too picky....well, yes, I hope we were!!!!! It is kind of a big decision!!!! I hope I can help some of my friends find the right one...until then I do daven for each & every one of them. And now I will include the name Freidel Liba bat Chava! Shana Tova.

(18)
David,
August 19, 2007 11:17 AM

Tishrei and Single

Article hit very home with me. It is scary how many of us can relate to the author. The scariest thing is that we have been saying this for years, and our prayers continue to be unanswered.

(17)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 11:12 AM

A humble suggestion

May I humbly make a suggestion: Perhaps some single women are in the position to act as helpful friends, or "Tantes" (aunts), to women in need of help with their newborns and/or large families. The writer sincerely and poignantly expresses her longing for the sleepless nights and other demanding circumstances of raising a family; perhaps by participating in, and alleviating, some of the challenges that mothers face, she and others in her position will accumulate the decisive zechuyos to join the ranks of those whom they are helping!(Some thoughts: Cooking a meal for a woman who has recently given birth, or who is r"l ill? Taking children out for a walk or to the park--or even to one's own home--while a harried mother catches up on her chores, or just rests?) I realize that not everyone has the time or ability to do this, but so many of the single women I have known are excellent balebustas, and have a wonderful affinity with children--many years ago, as a child, I myself tremendously enjoyed the friendship, warmth and hospitality of such singles, who were close friends of my mother, despite the difference in their marital situations. I pray that the author meet her zivug very, very soon, and wish her all the best in the coming year,and always.

(16)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 10:57 AM

Thank God for Every Invitation

You might live in any place where the Rabbi simply announces hospitality "just see ploni almoni", and you have to humiliate yourself to run after this one moving target, effectively proclaiming to all "I can't manage to make shabbos for myself". There is a Gemara in Shabbos that deals with this subject related to the shapes of hebrew letters, (103b+) the gimmel (representing GOMEL CHESSED)faces the daled (representing POOR GUY/GAL) not the other way around. Don't make the performance of chessed an obstical course for the recipient. The best way for a community to bury a problem is to appoint a commitee which appoints one person to be overwhelmed and inneffective. Concience cleared without having 'THAT PERSON' in my house. The person who originated from a family that lacked social graces or other social norms tends to stay isolated in an insular orthodox communities that doesn't reach out and GOD forbid touch someone.

(15)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 10:49 AM

I'm with you..and would love to meet Michael!

Sorry to be so brash -- it is indeed hard and difficult to feel that sense of isolation.

I am 47 now and feel acutely that I have become one of the leftover people. Sometimes it is hard to feel otherwise when you have 'done the right things' and continue to support a community that doesn't know how to support you back.

I hope that all of us singles can support each other -- and are willing to do the 'uncool' thing -- match each other up. I don't know why SYAS and other organizations require that married people do all the matching -- especially when most religious people never dated extensively before they were engaged.

Freidel, you are showing great insight here -- the first step is getting the community to admit that there is a problem.

(14)
Zissi,
August 19, 2007 10:29 AM

I know how you feel

I know how you feel-I was single up until two years ago, when at the age 27, I got married. People looked at me with a mixture of pity and scorn. At every wedding and bar mitzvah, I always heard "im yirzeh Hashem by you," (G-d willing by you). I hated that comment and will never use it with anyone. Be strong and hang on. Focus on the outcome, not the pain. I will pray for you.

(13)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 10:27 AM

You are not alone!

You don't have to be observant and live in a religious community to experience the aloneness and loneliness you described so openly and eloquently. When you said "sitting at someone else's table again," that pierced right through me.

Interesting, though, there's an inherent conundrum. On the one hand we feel even more lonely at someone else's table and on the other hand get annoyed when people don't invite us. We set ourselves up for a no-win situation. I've experienced sitting alone at home at holidays and sitting at someone else's table with their families and close friends and frankly, both are uncomfortable! But the loneliness at someone else's vibrant family table is worse so I've found other single Jewish friends and we create our own holiday dinners and traditions. I'm in my late 50's and over the years have wondered, When is it my turn to host the dinners and create the memories and traditions. And this time of year, as you pointed out, brings sadness and the coulda's, shoulda's and would's of regret and self-pity.

I really don't think there's any way the Jewish community can "help". What would you have them do? Churches plan singles holiday parties and the word is it's for "losers". The same has happened with shuls in my area - singles events are seen as a place for the left-behind. Families can invite us for holidays from now until the cows come home but if we're not comfortable in our own skin we bring our own discomfort to the table, no matter how caring the hostess is. It's all a mixed bag of difficult emotions and after all these years of being uncomfortable at holidays and having tried many ways around it - from charity work to friends-only dinners, etc, there's no easy answer. I've even gone away for holidays and ignored them altogether.

My thoughts for you are to do things differently. Try going away during the holiday, try hosting a dinner at your house with friends only. Try volunteering at a hospital or other institution. Try anything different instead of putting yourself in the same situation each year that offers only the same outcome.

Your column came a little early this season. I usually don't start having these blue feelings at High Holiday until after September 1. But it's coming for sure and I'll do my best for find acceptance and God's grace when it does. Good luck to you.

The discomfort isn't just at holidays either. I can be perfectly lonely and self-conscious sitting in any shabbat service by myself.

You have my deepest compassion and understanding for your situation.

(12)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 10:22 AM

Jewish alone and single also

It is so true. The Jewish community doesn't seem to want singles especially women to belong. Single groups have been halfheartedly formed only to break apart after a few months or so. It is not like churches who encourage single events why? Not everyone has a family close by or a family at all. I have two grown children both of whom live over 1500 miles away. Sure I visit the one in Arizona to see my grandchild who is growing up so fast almost 10 years old.The other one is very busy with her career and never married. I am worried for her too. She has become a little closer to her sister and has helped her out during some very bad times. What about us? I have not been very religious, but I occasionally go to temple. Where I live it is a little far and you have to drive 10-12 miles at least. Things here in the USA don't seem to be any better for Jewish single people. I think that is another reason there is so much intermarriage people do not like to stay alone no matter what they say. A man of 65 wants a woman 25-35 beautiful, sexy, and whatever. I find that true in the Jewish community especially. Why?

(11)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 10:02 AM

SINGLE ON ROSH HASHANA

Dear Freidl Liba bas Chava.. I feel your pain. Been there and done that. With all my heart and soul I wish your besherte to reveal himself and be there for you and you for him. Let this be the year. All my best to you.

(10)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 10:00 AM

Amen

Thank you for writing this. I will not get into details, but I am a single, smart, attractive, Torah-observant woman who is not taken seriously for shiddichum purposes (I am non-white). It is very painful to not only have people not think about setting you up, but to not even talk about the aspects of you getting married (when I bring up marriage as being in my game plan, there is an impulse look of surprise). Although I would not go back to the world, when I was not religious I never, ever had a shortage of dates and men who were interested in me. B"H, I don't have to deal with all of the unsolicited advances anymore...but I was prepared for being practically ignored year after year...simply on the basis of my appearance. It's very strange...and very unbecoming of the Torah-observant community of Klal Yisrael.

(9)
Batsheva,
August 19, 2007 9:49 AM

I understand

Freidl Liba,I feel like much of your letter could have been written by me. For years, during Yom Kippur when people bid for Aliyot, many folks would bid "add-ons" in honor that I would get married. At first I was moved and honored, but after years of it, I would get depressed during the chagim. I was tired of being my minyan's fundraiser!I, too, was tired of hearing that there were so many great woman, and no good men from well-meaning people. I tried so hard not to lose faith, but some days were harder than others.I didn't get married until I was 40, and many of my friends have gotten married in their 40's. There are good men out there and you will find your soul mate. I'm not sure why Hashem is testing our generation, I wish I knew.I'll be davening for you!

(8)
Esther,
August 19, 2007 9:11 AM

I Understand, Hang in There

I am an older woman from New York City, early 50's, single public school teacher, conservative religously who has started going to an orthodox shul recently.

You are right. The Jewish community does not help as much as they should.

I too have experienced the difficulty of being Jewish, older and single. I feel your heartache, especially because you live in Jerusalem and in a religious community. I too have gone to everyone's weddings, alone, and being with my friends or family doesn't change the way I feel that it hasn't happened to me yet.

I just returned from Prague and Budapest and since I speak a decent Hebrew, I met religious Israelis, mostly religious women and mostly on the streets and in shul. They treated me warmly but they look at you differently when they see that you're alone. They don't say anything but you can see that they feel sorry for you. Two weeks ago, on a Fri. night in a kosher restaurant in Budapest, the manager sat me alone because I didn't come with a family so I asked to be seated with people and they sat me with an Israeli couple, who I found out later was on their first vacation alone since they got married. They ate with me because they felt sorry for me, not just because it was Shabbat.

And so now I am happy that I'm back in New York City where I live, because there are so many single people here and the pressure is less than in other places in the world where mostly everyone in the world, especially in Hispanic countries, gets married early. I'm a world traveller, independent and have seen a lot. Here in NYC I don't feel the stigma so much.

The only suggestion I have to you is don't focus on your unhappiness but focus on expanding or building yourself. Do volunteer work; go outside of your comfort zone; learn something or do something new. Build up yourself until it is the right time for you, until you are ready and right for the man who you will meet, but continue to be positive and keep looking. Don't give up. Make yourself the primary focus but when you look, look for a man with good character and values, not chemistry. Don't be picky. And keep praying. It'll make you feel better if nothing else.

After years of being alone and dating guys who weren't right for me, I met a great Jewish guy on the Internet a few months ago. I did what I suggested to you, not expecting to meet anybody. If you don't meet anyone, at least you will be happy and you need to be happy inside first, and then share your happiness and generosity with others, which hopefully will include a wonderful man.

I truly wish that you find what you are looking for.

(7)
Donna,
August 19, 2007 8:50 AM

You are not ALONE

I read this article and it brought tears to my eyes. Maybe women get more emotional about being SINGLE. I was married 27yrs , no children, now alone for the first time in my life. I still would have love to had many children. My husband passed away almost three years ago. I need and want the compansionship of a man. I miss having someone . I have not really dated yet. Although I have become attached to my personal trainer. I am FULL of LIFE. Hopes and dreams that one day, I will be blessed to have a man love me again. I am very loyal. My late husband was disabled for 24 yrs...took care of him till the end. I am very picky....and am trying to follow what my heart says. It is so difficult being SINGLE. I feel such a loneilness and emptyious sometimes. I sometimes cry myself to sleep...praying for God to send me someone .

I to am putting my LIFE in God's hands. What will be will be. I pray GOD will be kind and bless me someday with the happiness of sharing my LIFE with a good man.I think I have fallen in love with my personal Jewish trainer. But he does not feel as I do towards him. He loves me but not as I love him. We both are single and love each others company. BUT it is the next step??

ShalomDonna

(6)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 8:49 AM

After many years alone, I'm remarrying this month.

Hi- I was 23 when I married my ex-husband. It lasted only a few years and left me alone with 3 wonderful, yet challenging, children to raise. I know how difficult it is to always be the guest and never the hostess. However, having my children was always a source of pride and nachas. Now that I'm in my 40's and remarrying, I have B"H grown children and so does my new husband. I'm saying this because I know that many people stay single due to fear of making a mistake. My experience has been that it's better to take a chance then stay frozen in fear. No one knows what the future holds. We must move forward anyway. It is better to do it right the first time, but we only learn that after the fact. Like the old saying goes "It is better to try and fail than to fail to try." Shannah Tovah and Good Luck to All !!!

(5)
Doris,
August 19, 2007 8:36 AM

My Wish For You

Feidl Liba bas Chava I commiserate withyou having lost my husband l8 years agoand having watched one of my daughterscry and daven for years to find herbashert. Three years ago in her30's she did find her bashert and thatis my wish for you for this year.You should have shana bracha, shanatova, shana briut, shana shalom.May you be blessed with a loving husbandas my daughter was.

(4)
julie s.,
August 19, 2007 8:05 AM

This Year!

Whew. Yes, I know your pain. I know others who carry it too. I don't know why some get married and others search for so long. But, from one who insanely continues on in search (and yes, please pray for me as well, along with Michael!) I must share these thoughts to consider:You have these feelings/anxieties/dreams, about rejection, about not fitting in. I have done emotional work, and have found that many times, although we blame G-d and see Him as holding out on us, many times it is us. We have these deep, even sublime, thought processes where we tell ourselves we are not worthy, not good enough, that we don't deserve X Y or Z, and, in essense, sabotage ourselves and the goodness Hashem sends our way. Again, these are only suggestions to consider. If I had some magic wand I would dangle it towards you and Michael and me and everyone else I know. Gesh, the whole world would be united with their basherts and we would all be happy, but unfortunately I do not have that power. I do have love though, and so with it, I offer it to G-d and to those who long for soul mates, at this time--Elul, when the King is the field, and I see you and your heart and trust you are worthy of the love exchange--to give and receive! (Many have trouble receiving!) With all my heart, I tell you, receive it and then trust it will occurr. I think desperation only scares things away and do you know the root of all fear? Disconnection! So, stop seeing yourself as a rejected one, but more so, a beloved one, one who knows she is loved and cared for and provided for in ways she is able to receive! We are all connected--please know this, we are!XXOO

(3)
Anonymous,
August 19, 2007 7:09 AM

I understand you completely

Dear Friedl Liba,I can completely identify with your outpouring of feelings in this sincere essay. I also lived in Jerusalem as a single woman for four years before I married. I too suffered loneliness, and I didn't have as many married friends inviting me for shabbatot and chagim as you seem to. I had weekly anxiety about how to spend shabbat. After I married, I realized how unfortunate it had been to waste so much energy worrying. I could have enjoyed this period if I'd had more Bitachon -- trust in God. But I guess that is a challenge that repeats itself many times in life. It's a safe guess that you too will marry and build a Jewish home and look back and wish you'd enjoyed that period more. There are people with cheery dispositions who are better able to hold on to optimism. I have had many challenges in the last twenty years since I married, but I can truly say that that period was the most daunting. You may feel that you are not advancing as your friends are, but you have no idea how Hashem judges us. You may indeed have achieved a lot. Concentrate on your relationship with Hashem and know that He will bring you your bashert exactly at the right time.Endorse yourself for feeling joyful and stay in the community which trully exemplifies what you believe in.And when you get married, write us a sequel so we can share your joy.

(2)
Michael,
August 19, 2007 3:43 AM

There's so many of us....

People - please add me to your prayer lists as well. I live in Auckland, New Zealand, where our community is small and largely minimally involved / assimiliated. There is no matchmakers or singles events here. I tried on more then one occasion to get something going but discovered that single people in our [Jewish] community are very shy. I've even tried dating 'out' but the only non-Jewish 'nice girls' I could find were Christian and I don't want to marry a Christian. One thing I must make very clear to community leaders the world over in I am sick and tired [as I'm sure many other J-singles are) of your guilt trips... The only way to stop us marrying out is to help make matches. If you don't put real effort where your mouth is you may as well not say anything because many of us will just ignore you and switch off - so more assistance and less blah blah is the order of the day **please**

(1)
Alisa,
August 19, 2007 3:38 AM

Thank you for this article

Thank you Freidl Liba for putting it all down, I am feeling with you, for I am in the same situation. I will pray for you, and I hope with all my heart that G-d will soon bring you to your soulmate, or your soulmate to you.Alisa

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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