23 February 2008

Shaq Almost Killed Me With His Truck

Judging solely by today's trip to the mall, I estimate Shaq kills, on average, three people a day. A couple hours ago, my son and I were exiting Collonade Mall in Phoenix, after buying some arts and crafts supplies for a school project. I merged onto Camelback, into the far left lane heading west and pulled behind a huge, glossy black, semi truck cab. Sound familiar? TNT had video of the truck the previous night, during the Celtics game, so we were pretty sure it was Diesel. The cab's back window was tinted slightly so you couldnt definitively say it was Shaq, but the driver was bald with prominent ears.

Anyway, Shaq's in front of us and he gradually decelerates into the middle turning lane, to make a left. We're maintaining speed, going straight and are almost to the right of his back bumper when Superman veers halfway back into our lane in his custom monstrosity that makes a full size Hummer look like a golf cart. It's even got those ominous rotating blades protruding from each wheel, a la Ben Hur, and they had my name on them. The gnashing knives are so close I swear I can hear them, as I reflexively jerk right.

"Dad!" my son exclaims.

The enormous, indecisive Shaq pulled back into his turning lane and made his left, and it was over as quickly as it had begun.

"Geez", I exhaled.

"Dad!"

"I know, I know", I reassured the kid, my adrenaline pumping.

"Dad, you should have let him hit us."

Oh, silly me. What was I thinking, underestimating the honor of being kabobed by Shaq's tricked out wheels. Clueless yokel and son proceeded down 16th street, unfamous but in tact, for the savory buffet at Flavors of India, and only after a proper adult meal, did I reinitiate our sophomoric, death defying Shaquest. At the southeast corner of 16th and Camelback, I turned into the same strip mall ONeal had entered half an hour earlier, presumably to buy furniture at the Copenhagen/Denmarket outlet. From clear across the expansive parking lot, I gushed, "I see Shaq!"

"You see his truck?", said the teen.

"No, I see Shaq-Fu!"

Even for a squinter like me, this guy is easily visible at 200 yards. Sorry I dont have pictures, but I was driving my wife's car (my camera is in my car). Shaq, in a long black T-shirt the size of a Kia Rio car cover, signed a few autographs and posed for impromptu snapshots outside Copenhagen. People were very excited and happy to see him. So excited, that several adults almost got hit by cars carefully edging past The Big Aristotle. Some stared only at Shaq while they blithely walked right into traffic. Others fixated on his autograph in their hands, to the exclusion of all other stimuli within the visible spectrum.

Maybe Shaq can save the Suns, but can anything save us from Shaq? The Suns need a miracle worker, but today's miracle was that three people didnt die on Shaq's trip to the mall.