Janet's Repentance, by George Eliot

Chapter 27

In less than a week Mr. Tryan was settled at Holly Mount, and there was not one of his many attached
hearers who did not sincerely rejoice at the event.

The autumn that year was bright and warm, and at the beginning of October, Mr. Walsh, the new curate, came. The mild
weather, the relaxation from excessive work, and perhaps another benignant influence, had for a few weeks a visibly
favourable effect on Mr. Tryan. At least he began to feel new hopes, which sometimes took the guise of new strength. He
thought of the cases in which consumption patients remain nearly stationary for years, without suffering so as to make
their life burdensome to themselves or to others; and he began to struggle with a longing that it might be so with him.
He struggled with it, because he felt it to be an indication that earthly affection was beginning to have too strong a
hold on him, and he prayed earnestly for more perfect submission, and for a more absorbing delight in the Divine
Presence as the chief good. He was conscious that he did not wish for prolonged life solely that he might reclaim the
wanderers and sustain the feeble: he was conscious of a new yearning for those pure human joys which he had voluntarily
and determinedly banished from his life — for a draught of that deep affection from which he had been cut off by a dark
chasm of remorse. For now, that affection was within his reach; he saw it there, like a palm-shadowed well in the
desert; he could not desire to die in sight of it.

And so the autumn rolled gently by in its ‘calm decay’. Until November. Mr. Tryan continued to preach occasionally,
to ride about visiting his flock, and to look in at his schools: but his growing satisfaction in Mr. Walsh as his
successor saved him from too eager exertion and from worrying anxieties. Janet was with him a great deal now, for she
saw that he liked her to read to him in the lengthening evenings, and it became the rule for her and her mother to have
tea at Holly Mount, where, with Mrs. Pettifer, and sometimes another friend or two, they brought Mr. Tryan the
unaccustomed enjoyment of companionship by his own fireside.

Janet did not share his new hopes, for she was not only in the habit of hearing Mr. Pratt’s opinion that Mr. Tryan
could hardly stand out through the winter, but she also knew that it was shared by Dr Madely of Rotherby, whom, at her
request, he had consented to call in. It was not necessary or desirable to tell Mr. Tryan what was revealed by the
stethoscope, but Janet knew the worst.

She felt no rebellion under this prospect of bereavement, but rather a quiet submissive sorrow. Gratitude that his
influence and guidance had been given her, even if only for a little while — gratitude that she was permitted to be
with him, to take a deeper and deeper impress from daily communion with him, to be something to him in these last
months of his life, was so strong in her that it almost silenced regret. Janet had lived through the great tragedy of
woman’s life. Her keenest personal emotions had been poured forth in her early love — her wounded affection with its
years of anguish — her agony of unavailing pity over that deathbed seven months ago. The thought of Mr. Tryan was
associated for her with repose from that conflict of emotion, with trust in the unchangeable, with the influx of a
power to subdue self. To have been assured of his sympathy, his teaching, his help, all through her life, would have
been to her like a heaven already begun — a deliverance from fear and danger; but the time was not yet come for her to
be conscious that the hold he had on her heart was any other than that of the heaven-sent friend who had come to her
like the angel in the prison, and loosed her bonds, and led her by the hand till she could look back on the dreadful
doors that had once closed her in.

Before November was over Mr. Tryan had ceased to go out. A new crisis had come on: the cough had changed its
character, and the worst symptoms developed themselves so rapidly that Mr. Pratt began to think the end would arrive
sooner than he had expected. Janet became a constant attendant on him now, and no one could feel that she was
performing anything but a sacred office. She made Holly Mount her home, and, with her mother and Mrs. Pettifer to help
her, she filled the painful days and nights with every soothing influence that care and tenderness could devise. There
were many visitors to the sick-room, led thither by venerating affection; and there could hardly be one who did not
retain in after years a vivid remembrance of the scene there — of the pale wasted form in the easy-chair (for he sat up
to the last), of the grey eyes so full even yet of inquiring kindness, as the thin, almost transparent hand was held
out to give the pressure of welcome; and of the sweet woman, too, whose dark watchful eyes detected every want, and who
supplied the want with a ready hand.

There were others who would have had the heart and the skill to fill this place by Mr. Tryan’s side, and who would
have accepted it as an honour; but they could not help feeling that God had given it to Janet by a train of events
which were too impressive not to shame all jealousies into silence.

That sad history which most of us know too well, lasted more than three months. He was too feeble and suffering for
the last few weeks to see any visitors, but he still sat up through the day. The strange hallucinations of the disease
which had seemed to take a more decided hold on him just at the fatal crisis, and had made him think he was perhaps
getting better at the very time when death had begun to hurry on with more rapid movement, had now given way, and left
him calmly conscious of the reality. One afternoon, near the end of February, Janet was moving gently about the room,
in the fire-lit dusk, arranging some things that would be wanted in the night. There was no one else in the room, and
his eyes followed her as she moved with the firm grace natural to her, while the bright fire every now and then lit up
her face, and gave an unusual glow to its dark beauty. Even to follow her in this way with his eyes was an exertion
that gave a painful tension to his face; while she looked like an image of life and strength.

‘Janet,’ he said presently, in his faint voice — he always called her Janet now. In a moment she was close to him,
bending over him. He opened his hand as he looked up at her, and she placed hers within it.

‘Janet,’ he said again, ‘you will have a long while to live after I am gone.’

A sudden pang of fear shot through her. She thought he felt himself dying, and she sank on her knees at his feet,
holding his hand, while she looked up at him, almost breathless.

‘But you will not feel the need of me as you have done . . . You have a sure trust in God . . .
I shall not look for you in vain at the last.’

‘No . . . no . . . I shall be there . . . God will not forsake me.’

She could hardly utter the words, though she was not weeping. She was waiting with trembling eagerness for anything
else he might have to say.

‘Let us kiss each other before we part.’

She lifted up her face to his, and the full life-breathing lips met the wasted dying ones in a sacred kiss of
promise.