SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A birthday pool party in the affluent Craig Ranch community of McKinney, Texas, erupted in chaos and violence early Friday evening amid accusations of police racism and brutality. The excessive actions of Corporal Eric Casebolt -- which included a lot of profanity, a James T. Kirk-inspired combat roll, tackling scantily clad girls in bikinis who were armed with only towels, and drawing his sidearm on bystanders attempting to peacefully diffuse the aggression -- renewed public outcry about the extreme use of force by police. But Republican lawmakers in the South see the situation differently. According to them, the fact that no unarmed black teens were actually blown to pieces by cops demonstrates “tremendous restraint and progress in the evolution of our peacekeeping policies.”

This Dark Century

Racially charged showdowns between law enforcement and unarmed citizens of color have dominated the national conversation. Similar slaughters rocked Ferguson, Mo., New York City, Sanford, Fla., Baltimore, Md., and other communities in recent years.

In April, North Charleston Officer Michael Slager gunned down Walter Scott, 50, as he ran from the policeman’s drawn pistol. Video of the confrontation, captured by a bystander near the scene, clearly showed the officer pumping at least eight rounds into Scott’s back. He then cuffed the hands of the corpse. Although Slager displayed no outward signs of fear as Walter Scott fled, the act of placing restraints on the dead body demonstrates the abject terror consuming police officers today.

Following George Zimmerman’s 2012 killing of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, who threatened him with a bag of Skittles, authorities let the armed neighborhood watch captain walk free under the self-defense provisions of Stand Your Ground. Zimmerman strengthened his case by offering what legal insiders have termed the “Skittles Defense.” One Florida official explained: “Mr. Zimmerman was so petrified of what Trayvon Martin might do with his bag of Skittles, he hunted him down like a three-legged dog with arthritis and butchered him on the street corner.”

The Untold Powers of Unarmed Black Teens

It’s hard to dispute, in light of these persistent situations, that heavily armored white police officers believe African American youth are capable of killing them with snacks, tobacco products and perhaps even “a sort of fatal supernatural gaze, such as Ghost Rider’s ‘penance stare,’” according to paranoid Texas Governor Greg Abbott. He also noted that the most recent incarnation of that comic book antihero is Mexican-American -- “a terrifying brown person who can kill people without weapons, by just looking at them.”

Witnesses to the Craig Ranch assault said the African American teens invited to the event were met with discriminatory taunts and racial slurs from neighbors in the largely white suburb. Reports also suggested that one Caucasian female slapped an attendee. McKinney police originally described the disturbance as “involving multiple juveniles at the location, who do not live in the area or have permission to be there, refusing to leave.” It turned out, however, that many of the teens lived in Craig Ranch. Others had guest passes.

Despite a handful of rambunctious young people who attempted to climb the fence and join the festivities without permission, the verbal altercation that escalated into a police dispatch occurred between an adult supervising the gathering and a white neighbor who hurled bigoted insults at the kids. The real problem, conservatives assert, remains unacknowledged by media and leftist officials: How do Americans combat the growing menace of unarmed black youth without succumbing to their reflexive shooting instincts? Dick Budreau, a consultant who specializes in developing HOAs for exclusive communities across the country, believes the solution lies in “cultural clarity.”

Cultural Clarity

“What happened in McKinney boils down to a misunderstanding,” Budreau said. “But not in the sense that those kids didn’t understand what officer Casebolt was doing -- that was clear as hell. No, it’s that people of color need to recognize that white Americans don’t understand them. So what I propose is a program of cultural clarity -- a type of sensitivity training for these minorities that will teach them how to mingle in polite society without terrorizing everyone.” Although the program has not formally been developed, Budreau offered these initial insights.

• “To native Americans -- the white people who founded this land -- dark-skinned foreigners from tribal cultures bring strange religious beliefs and frightening powers,” he noted. “Historically, this land has not been hospitable to tribal people. Look at the Indians. They just up and disappeared one day, and nobody’s certain what happened. The growing population of Africans on our soil means that’s all changed, but science hasn’t offered an explanation as to why, or how that affects us.”

• White people are not accustomed to the different anatomical features of people of color. And when black or brown people are not fully covered in clothing, white people struggle to make sense of their strange physical attributes. “These black kids were wearing tiny, revealing swimsuits,” Budreau said. “With all that dark skin exposed, it must have been overwhelming for police officers who were trying to determine where one body ended and another began. This would explain why Corporal Casebolt kept telling the girl in the video to ‘get on her ass’ even when she was seated, and why he grabbed her hair and forced her face into the dirt. He couldn’t tell which part of her was which.”

• White Americans don’t know how to react in the absence of weapons. As Budreau observed: “A verbal confrontation, sans guns or body armor, is a very intimidating and unfathomable situation for white folks. These uppity teens were shouting in their native tongues and gesturing wildly and acting very aggressive, yet they had no firearms on them. What does a rational person make of that? What hidden powers do these tribal people possess, one must wonder? They practice voodoo and cannibalism and such. They kill jungle animals with their bare hands. So who’s to say what could befall us when they approach with candy or towels or cross expressions?”

• Budreau also recommended a better system of identification for African Americans who choose to dwell outside their “normal habitats.” He pointed out: “In the South, people of color prefer to reside in their own enclaves -- usually older and economically humble areas -- cut off from the rest of society. They shun modern surroundings and have an aversion to ostentation and material displays of wealth. So it’s startling when you discover that the black people who use your community pool every weekend have been living next door to you for years. This confusion justifies why Officer Casebolt kept ordering kids from Craig Ranch to leave their own neighborhood. A proper ID -- permanently etched, tattooed or branded into their flesh -- would have prevented that.”

Conservatives Praise McKinney Incident as Triumph of Progress

Texas lawmakers and the countless McKinney citizens who united in defense of Corporal Casebolt said that, despite the need for Budreau’s cultural clarity training, this incident shows that policing in Texas surpasses most other states.

“You can cry foul and racial injustice and police brutality all you want, but not a single one of these juvenile criminals was shot, maimed, bludgeoned or choked to death by our cops,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) today in a brief press meeting. “It’s true that Officer Casebolt drew his gun, but he did not discharge it. No unarmed black teens died that day, even though it was evident that Casebolt felt his life was in grave peril. And that’s the difference with Texas. Our police don’t immediately kill minorities who we perceive to threaten our safety. We have a fine legal system with an incredibly loose execution policy that takes care of all that.”

The 2016 Republican presidential hopeful also quipped, “The next time I hear about black people swimming, I hope it’s because they’re going back home with a gay under each arm.”