i know it is wrong to want so much...especially when it is a want that cannot be self-satisfied....it is painful.....it tears you up.....

it draws blood...........

it triggers all kinds of wrong emotions....anger for not being lucky to have such things...depression.....sadness.....all kinds of things...and sometimes they spill.....

the need rages in me...the need to be beaten into submission -literally....the need to be sexed into unconsciousness.....the need to hit peaks of intensity of sensation.....the need to be restrained intoimmobility.....to feel the peaks and valleys of energy play tilexhaustion....

the need to get out of my own head...not for a few minutes fleetingly...but...for some extended time....to leave myself as not even sleep will let me....

sometimes this need takes over...and i want to hurt whoever is in my way...it is obsessive...it is unhealthy....it is insane...but, it is there....and it is true......

it is the reason why i clamped down my sexuality....my desire....it is not something i can provide myself with,and i have no right to demand it ofanyone else....i become like a rapist - only i want to force someone to glutme with sensation.....

the need makes me violent...irrational...unstable....DARK.......

Dangerously heated..animated

unsated, i want to scream, cry....rend....tear.....

knowing that someone who might slake my need has given this gift to another..when i hunger breaks all my bounds of rationality..i become less than civilized....I am red....i rage......

other than denying it entirely..i do not know how to deal with theneed.....it is like vampiric bloodlust...it is driving....it isdemanding...it is nearly insatiable.....

and i have no right to expect anyone to accommodate it.....

How can one stave off pure hunger?I hide....I chant....I smile.....But you do not know what rages....BELOW..........

*hanging head...watching the tears drop*

what does one do, when you are afraid to touch yourself for youfear that in your need you will draw yourown blood in frustrated desire?

nothing to ever be quite the samean innocence lost, my innocencethe truth i was so determinednot to dig for, has been unburiedit doesn't only hurt, it left scars so deepthat life makes me have to deal with

yet i cannot help but feelsaddened by these memoriesmeaningless and pointless as it isto beat myself up over this dead weighttrying to dole punishment out on myselffor something his crude love did to me

not loving me should have been enoughbut to cause so much pain on the youngwith feelings of abandonment and helplessnessat a life that stays darkened and sadforgotten and lost in this chaotic worldhow do i find myself with a broken soul?

i see great suffering in the worldi see the way of accident and blunderingand what we have createdi am not blinded by the illusionsi hear the cries everywhere of painand i know my lonelinessi know my own desirewould you be what i am?drifting timeless, alonelistening to the carnal voices of the worldthirsting for love and understandinganguish, unknowing, and unseeingi know that which we created is voidand yet i do nothingcould i be what you are?