The nation’s premier serial killers are now whining and crying and weeping and moaning that the federal government may no longer be able to fully fund, to the obscene brim, to that level that they would supremely like, their deeply darkened Thanatos bliss of stab and shoot and strafe and slit.

These serial killers are openly and publicly blubbering that the so-called “sequester” might mean that they might no longer be as “ready” to blow all the limbs off a five-year-girl, cave in the skull of an old woman, or instantly evaporate the innards of some barely-bearded boy.

According to a furiously violin-playing piece in the Washington Post, these serial killers, also known as “the U.S. military’s service leaders,” have “begun painting a stark picture of the toll a congressionally mandated budget cut could take on the readiness of the world’s largest armed forces.”

To which, my question, is this: why would any even marginally-evolved human possibly want these people to be “ready” ?

For their “readiness” involves killing people and breaking things.

What human, evolved even an inch beyond the monolith, would ever want such a “ready” thing to be?

Any being, evolved beyond even pond scum, would quite naturally want these people to be as thoroughly “unready” as possible.

But no.

According to the Post, the serial killer General Ray Odierno, mass murderer in charge of the US Army, death-ejaculates that “the cuts may curtail training for 80 percent of ground forces, including some in the deployment pipeline, forcing him to extend the deployments of troops already in Afghanistan.”

The serial killers in charge of the US Navy meanwhile death-ejaculate that “the Navy has delayed the deployment of the USS Harry Truman, leaving just one aircraft carrier instead of two in the Persian Gulf, where tensions continue with Iran. The budget crunch also will mean delays for repairs of a carrier and the construction of another. ”

And the serial killers in charge of the US Air Force death-ejaculate that “slashing $12.4 billion from its budget for the remainder of the fiscal year would require cutting 200,000 flying hours. That means that by May, two-thirds of the force’s pilots would ‘drop below acceptable level of readiness,’ Air Force chief Mark Welsh told lawmakers recently.”

What is the problem with these people? We evolved humans want them to “drop below [an] acceptable level of readiness.”

Because their “acceptable level of readiness” means they can continue to joyfully spew death-sperm as they blow all the limbs off a five-year-girl, cave in the skull of an old woman, and instantly evaporate the innards of some barely-bearded boy.

None of these sad sadsack ur-people are necessary. The United States is at peace with its neighbors, Canada and Mexico. Thus, as I have repeatedly pointed out, like Cassandra in the chariot on her way to the bloody baths, the country needs no Army. No Navy. No Marines. No Air Force

All these serial killers, they are so old. So in the way.

It is long past time that they unslung their weapons and went out and got real jobs and started helping their fellow humans.

They are the scourge of this planet.

They are so over.

They are all going to go.

And, of course, the first to go, shall be all the dark murderous introvert impotent “special forces.” Who, as is the nature of who they are, are currently out and about raping and torturing and murdering, there in Afghanistan.

Hoo-rah. Semper fi. Anchors aweigh. Fly the friendly skies. Get down and dirty. Fuck us some skulls.

But heh. Don’t dare “sequester” even a dollar, that might go to these people. Because there’s a world of skulls out there, that need to be fucked. And woe betide those, who’d deny these “heroes” the coin, enabling them to, ever-failing, try to slip the sad saggy shriveled thing, in.

Finally! I wait every year, not patiently, for the Academy Awards, and this is The Big Night.

Do you love movies as much as I do? I have only seen a couple of the movies nominated, but it’s fun to watch the celebs on the red carpet (their hairdos and even more, the hair-don’ts), the jewelry and pero Dios mio, the dresses!) who can resist the glamour, the decadence, and so much Shiny Stuff only once a year? Not me.

My aunt and I like to watch together. Our big activity in the winter months to see all the movies before the awards, but not this year. Yes, since you asked, we do make a big production of it, and wear our best dresses to eat appetizers and get blasted drinking a pitcher of Oscar’s Big Night (recipe below). This year, we can’t be together. My husband’s taste in movies trends toward car chases or paranormal activities . . so I’m hoping there are some Meese who like movies?

Seth McFarlane (best known for an animated series on dysfunctional families (Family Guy is allegedly a postmodern Simpsons with some South Park flavor in the mix) is the host of this year’s awards. I’m not a fan but he was pret-ty hilarious on Jimmy Fallon’s show, in a Puppy Predictions skit. (Okay, you got me. Jimmy as a host would have been amazing.) Without further adieu, here are our nominees.

Best Picture

Amour

Argo: WINNER

Beasts of the Southern Wild

Django Unchained

Les Misérables

Life of Pi

Lincoln

Silver Linings Playbook

Zero Dark ThirtyWho will win?

Lincoln is the odds-on favorite, but I think Argo could be The Little Movie That Can.

Who will win?
I’ve only seen three (Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Silver Linings Playbook. I don’t have a particular favorite in this category . . . and since it’s always the last award at the finale of 3+ hours of TV, I’ll be tipsy if I’m awake.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook)

Daniel Day-Lewis: WINNER! (Lincoln)

Hugh Jackman (Les Misérables )

Joaquin Phoenix (The Master)

Denzel Washington (Flight)Who will win?
Daniel Day-Lewis.

Who should win?
Can I just say Denzel Washington was pitch-frickin’ perfect in Flight? What could have been a so-so couple of hours was an amazing roller coaster ride as Denzil crash-lands a commercial 737, becomes an instant hero, is stalked by the media, and cannot escape his inner demons and self-loathing, no matter how he tries.

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty)

Jennifer Lawrence: WINNER! (Silver Linings Playbook)

Emmanuelle Riva (Amour)

Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild)

Naomi Watts (The Impossible)Who will win?
This one’s a toss-up between Naomi Watts and Jennifer Lawrence.

Who should win?
If I admitted being a betting woman, my money’s on Jennifer Lawrence.

Quvenzhané Wallis is the most adorable, irrepressible six-year-old sprite of all time, and I really liked Beasts the first time I watched it.

Later on, it occurred to me that this is a film with some rather obvious stereotypes about poor black folks in Louisiana. An old theme in the history of literature, the tragic mulatto in this movie is a young child.

Actually, she’s Hushpuppy to me, and yeah, she is The Man). Very bright future, if Hollywood can resist exploiting this precious, talented little sweetheart’s age and color.