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Father’s Day: 7 things white dads can do to be an ally for kids, society, and the planet

Dear white dads. Here are seven things you can do right now to prove that you love your children, other people, and the planet.

Traditionally, there are only three ways one can identify as a white person – colorblind, racist, or ignorant – but these seven ideas give you more options for expressing your white male identity. You want respect? Earn it.

One. Donate your white kids to science. Not when they die. Now. Before they wreak any more havoc. You and your kind have already done enough, so just do the right thing once in your life. Be kind, tolerant, and pro-science by furthering research into why white people are so evil. Your kids will love you for sending them into that long goodnight with a clear conscience.

Two. Divorce your white wife and father children with a woman of color. But you’re evil, so don’t marry her or expect time with the kids. This will contribute to your good karma account, which you can then donate to someone who deserves it. (Double karma points if your donated sperm is used to impregnate a transgender man of color who’s married to someone else.)

Three. Quit your job. It doesn’t matter what job. This will make space for a moral person who can right all your wrongs in the workplace. If you’re a politician or CEO, publicly apologize for a career spent oppressing others. Otherwise, just pray privately. It’s better this way. Trust us.

Four. Donate all your assets to Planned Parenthood. All. Your. Assets. Bank accounts, life insurance, retirement accounts, real estate, vehicles, etc. Don’t forget your collection of automatic weapons, because they can go for as high as five figures at auction. (See #7 for exceptions.)

Five. Become a hermit. Literally. Like, go live in a cave. Because homeless benefits are too good for you, and you can finally bond with your Neanderthal forebears.

Six. Go on a pilgrimage to Save Planet Earth. We’ll even donate secondhand stuff to help. Puma sneakers no one else wants, overalls, wife beaters, dog food – you know, all the things you begrudgingly allowed the rest of us to have while you oppressed us.

Seven. After you do all that, kill yourself without delay. If you feel some misplaced sense of obligation to do it legally, walk to Oregon and pay a liberal to kill you. But the sooner it happens, the better, so we hereby grant you the respect and free agency you’ve always denied others – use your precious Second Amendment rights and get it done quickly so the rest of us can move on already.

This is literally the least we can do for you, and you need to be okay with that or we can just skip to #7.