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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Adopt, don't shop !

This is a guest post from one of my blog reader. We infertile couples, often come across people, who look at us as if we are sinners when we say we are undergoing IVF treatment to have our baby. Their arguement is "why don't you just adopt, there are so many children without home?". They think adoption is a nicer thing to do instead of spending so much money to have a baby. Some even think doing IVF is against God's wish. This is a comment I received on my article" So, why don't you just adopt a baby ? "I thought this comment by the reader is very honest and explains the problem which is inherent in an adoption proocess. I wish everyone finds this useful too ! Remember, we are not shopping for a baby,we are fighting for our right to have a baby !

A good post and certainly pertinent to anyone experiencing infertility.
I've actually been "looked down upon" by quite a few people for wanting
to pursue IVF. And of course, the critics are either completely
uninterested in ever having children or have a litter of babies
themselves. What bugs me the most is that they seem to think that it's
the job of the infertile to save the troubled children of the world.
Granted, that is a noble endeavor, but why is it any more MY duty than
those who are fertile?

Most people don't know how immensely
complicated (and expensive!) adoption is. In some cases, it's even
cheaper to succeed at IVF than adoption. And even after you've shelled
out tens of thousands of dollars, there still is no guarantee that
everything will go smoothly. Some of my acquaintences tried to adopt
abroad and their child got stuck in limbo in a state nursing facility
for 2 years after birth. Believe me, if adopting were as simple as
taking a stroll to the local catholic monestary to pick up a child, I'd
be a father many times already!

But if its one thing that
troubles me least about adoption it's the genetic difference. I always
saw something romantic about choosing to love a child, rather than being
coerced into the relationship by Darwinian destiny. What DOES bother
me is that, when you adopt, everyone seems to want to get their talons
in your child one way or another. In the United States, domestic
adoption is a seller's market, which means adoptions are "open." In
other words, the "birth parents" stay in regular contact with THEIR
children and sap away the joys of parenthood while the adopting parents
shoulder all of the burden. If it's one thing I simply couldn't handle,
it would be some stranger visiting at Christmas, telling my child how
much he/she takes after THEM.

Even if you adopt from abroad,
there is this accepted truth in society that somehow your child is not
entirely your child. That some essential part of them remains in the
place that they were born. That you must pay some kind of homage to the
"culture" from which their soul has apparently sprung forth. And its
this social perception of adoption that strikes me most painfully: that
even though you put in 100 percent of the love that any other parent
would, the adopted child can only really be half yours, in the end.

In the United States, our television channels are littered with
shows about adopted children going off to reunite with their "birth"
parents. That they simply felt lacking until they were able to become
one with with their "birth family" again. All the while the adoptive
parents are expected to stand back and smile. The adoptive parent is
expected to share the thing that parents of biological children are
NEVER expected to share. It may sound selfish, but I could never share
my children in this way. It would break my heart.

I understand your points and you are entitled to them. After years of struggling with fertility we decided to take some control of becoming parents & are in the process of adopting domestically in the US. Adoption is not about what is comfortable for the adults, but what is best for the child. Open adoption allows for your child to know where they came from & hopefully know how special they are to so many. Many birth families don't want more contact than a picture & letters. However if you are lucky, there is more of a relationship then that with someone in the birth family. Adopted children aren't questioning who their parents are you see.....they are questioning, like all of us at times, who they are.

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Disclaimer

Please note that I have no medical training or qualifications, and that the contents of this blog are thereof are opinions, not medical advice.

have medical training or qualifications, and that the contents thereof are opinions, not medical advice. - See more at: http://healthbeat.areavoices.com/2010/09/29/the-expert-patient/#sthash.YPxLA3EA.dpuf

have medical training or qualifications, and that the contents thereof are opinions, not medical advice. - See more at: http://healthbeat.areavoices.com/2010/09/29/the-expert-patient/#sthash.YPxLA3EA.dpufPlease note that I have no medical training or qualifications, and that the contents of this blog are thereof are opinions, not medical advice.

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I thrive on love and affection!

I am a 36 year old Indian woman, happily married for seven years. This blog captures the 7 year infertility journey we went through to have our daughter Anisha. I have to undergo7 IVF/ICSI cycles, three miscarriage (including a still birth where I lost my twins to incompetent cervix) and 3 FETs to have our little miracle in hand. This journey was excruciatingly painful at times yet shaped me in ways happy times wouldn't have. Looking back, I wonder about myself ! I feel proud that I was able to be sane and strong after so many IVFs and heartbreaking miscarriages. Now I am very happy and serene than if I would have had children without any problems ( a bit crazy too ! :) The secret is, infertility is a great teacher. It taught me to be strong, humble, resilient, rational, forgiving, empathizing and hopeful. BTW, I am a scientist by profession. I hold a doctorate degree in Human Biology and I believe my education has helped me to tackle infertility bravely. I would like to share my experience and knowledge which I gained during this happy struggle to meet our offspring with you all. If you could share with me your thoughts and experiences I will be very happy !