I am not a hater!

Today’s toon is about how disabled children are often passed on from grade to grade without mastering the skills necessary to actually “pass” the grade. I understand why it’s necessary for schools to do this, and I don’t disagree with the policy. If a child is retarded or severely disabled and unable to perform to grade level, well… you just can’t hold a 17 year old back in kindergarten AGAIN.

We just had Sawyer’s first IEP meeting at the new school. We’ve had one to three of these a year over the past decade or so at the old school, and they have all, almost without exception, gone badly. We would push for things for Sawyer that he needed, and the school would refuse. We would threaten to sue and the school wouldn’t back down. We’ve talked to lawyers and we’ve had IEP meetings full of mucketymucks from the school district, the Principals and moderators and service coordinators and advocates. There has been cussing and there have been tears (we were NOT their favorite family and I’m sure they were so glad to see us move!) What we have never felt, from the old school, was that they took our concerns seriously. We didn’t feel important or that they thought we were worth listening to.

Now Sawyer has had great teachers, and he’s had some marvelous aides. I have loved each and every one. But they have had their hands tied by the district on numerous occasions and it’s been frustrating as hell. And THAT is where this cartoon came from. It was born out of the seething anger that comes when you realize that if you lived in another school district, your child might be a lot more high-functioning. It was born out of the sad realization that my son has barely learned anything in 11 years of schooling. He has few life-skills, no practical skills. He cannot read or write. Just what, praytell, have I been sending him to school for?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I KNOW. It’s not fair to expect the schools to teach him things he is not developmentally ready to learn to do. They are overworked and understaffed and he is an extremely difficult, extraordinarily disabled child. But I also think that letting him get away with doing the same “work” for YEARS because he can and will finish it on his own and you know you can head off a tantrum by doing this, is wrong. He is teachable, but he doesn’t necessarily want to be taught. He is teachable, but it has never been, and will never be easy or fun to teach. He is teachable but he needs his own aide and he needs one on one instruction and he needs behavioral therapy and occupational therapy and tons and tons of speech therapy. He needs to be WATCHED and he needs to be stretched out of his comfort zone no matter how much he might hate it.

A lot to ask, I know. Which is why I don’t fault his teachers. They try very hard with limited resources and staff. …But it doesn’t make it any easier to bear. My child is essentially being ware-housed until such time that he turns 21 or 22 and is finally kicked out of high school with his certificate of participation and little else to show for it. He has not been given up on… people have tried and tried to teach him things. But if it’s not working, bring in a specialist! Get him more therapy! Figure out a way to reach him instead of trying the same thing day in and day out and then year in and year out while hoping for a different result. I believe that’s the definition of insanity. Sigh…

Anyway, to get back to my point… THIS IEP meeting was different. It was much more informal. It was small. There was no one from the district there. And they asked us what we would like to have for Sawyer and then set about trying to get it for us. They showed us work that was new that they were forcing him to sit and perform (and he WAS!). They had high expectations for him, and while he wasn’t exactly meeting them, he HAS upped his game a bit because he is expected to.

It absolutely blew my frickin mind.

So teachers, please don’t write me hate mail. I understand how hard it is. I GET it and I appreciate it. This cartoon was written before this new IEP meeting, but I decided to run it anyway because the feelings in it are very raw and very real.

Let me tell you, it’s nice to have some hope for once. It feels… nice. Weird and alien, but nice nonetheless.

I teared up a little reading about this year’s meeting – I can’t even imagine how difficult it is. It’s one reason I’m not a teacher – I know that I don’t have the patience – or SKILL – to meet kids where they are & help them learn.

Wow! Seriously, I could have written this experience almost word for word. The first 3 grades of elementary school we fought, we screamed, we threatened, we demanded, we got no where. So we moved. Grade 4 was a dream and a realization that something better was out there. But Grade 4 was the last year in that elementary school which meant we moved up to the middle school (grades 5 – 9). Funny how you can still be within the same school district, but different teachers and aides with different ideas will destroy anything you’ve achieved. We were back to babysitting philosophy and kindergarten antics. High school (9 – 12) was a drastic improvement once again. But when you’ve lost some of those precious learning years and certain ‘habits’ set in, it’s hard to get your child to push those limits without major blow ups. 😦

I’m glad to hear your son is now working with teachers who have high expectations for him. Makes all the difference in the world. 🙂

I will never know your frustration to the same level you have lived it. I understand it though, my daughter Michelle has severe speech and writing problems. She is a freshman in High School this year. All through Middle school (6-8 grades) I felt like the school was just pushing her through the system and she was making very little progress in her Special Ed classes to help her with her speech and writing. Though her IEP always stressed “improve writing of sentences to grade level – 80%” or something similar. I am so happy she is in High School, because our county has had her in a Writing Composition Class which is a small class every other day, taught by the Special Ed teachers and designed to meet each individual students’ IEP. So far the class looks like it will work. Also the School has assigned Mentors to the Freshmen who attended the Summer Academy (A program for “high risk” students, which Michelle really liked because it was filled with kids who need help and not just “special needs” kids). The mentors are availible to help to smooth things during the Freshman year.
As I am typing this, I keep wishing that every child who needs the extra help would receive it. My oldest is part of the “Gifted and Talented” program (as she says it, Another type of Special Ed, for those who need a different type of class. 😀 ). She also seems to get the help she needs from both the School and at home. Well, I have rambled enough. I keep you, Sawyer, and the rest of your family in my prayers.
Keep smiling, because you make the rest of us smile too.
(My daughters still love your Sunday strip that you had in the paper a while back, where Eve talked with strangers in the park about having to choose which kids to keep. My daughters all truly understand Eve’s sarcasm to the woman in the park)

I’m happy to hear your good news.
I’d always thought everyone in the schools just wanted to help kids get the education they needed.
A lot of great teachers I’ve known do that…but I’ve also known teachers who seem to resent “difficult” kids. I guess I was naive…but it surprised me to see people in a school system seeming to blame kids for their weakness…like they’re being “autistic” just to make the teacher’s life difficult.

Buns of Strudel is a excellent writer & Sped advocate with sage advice on how to get help. Her latest postings have been on knitting, so keep looking for her older posts: http://bunsofstrudel.blogspot.com/

WOW! I thought today’s cartoon was written almost for me- Christopher’s the same age as Seth in the comic strip, First Grade. Except for talking, he’s at the same developmental level: Can’t count beyond 12, still doesn’t know his ABCs, isn’t potty trained (I think there may be a physical cause for that, seeing the doctor next week) still draws like a three year old.

But I’m convinced, because I’ve seen it, that there is cognition going on there. I may not be able to understand 25% of what he tries to tell me, I may not be able to connect- but there is cognition, and where there is cognition, there is hope.

I’m lucky though- we have gotten *EVERYTHING* we’ve asked for in Christopher’s IEP, Beaverton, OR is a great school district for this even if he keeps moving between schools to get the services he needs.

Oh, and there are plenty of jobs society needs doing that don’t need literacy; just ask any farmer trying to get field hands in this day and age. Don’t give up hope that just because the academics aren’t where you think they should be, that Sawyer will always be dependent.

Do you feel that children such as Seth and Sawyer would do better in a specialized school? I sometimes wonder if integration is always such a good idea.

I certainly don’t have nearly the same struggles as you do but I can relate. My son has ADHD and I’ve been ignored for 3 years when asking for him to be assessed for an IEP. This year I’ve finally grown a set and am prepared to fight dirty to get what he needs.

Karen — Ted’s comment got me thinking and I know that there is cognition with Sawyer too. My favorite memory of Sawyer is when he grabbed me and started dancing in circles with me — he had remembered doing that with me the last time I had seen him. I wish I could see you all more often.

I missed the cartoon you refer to here (by the time I checked the cartoon page, it was the one about inappropriate back-to-school shopping). The archives seem to stop with cartoons from a few months ago. Is there a way for me to see the 10/1 toon?

Thank you so much, everyone, for the lovely comments. I will try to go down and answer them one by one sometime tomorrow. But for now, you have my thanks. This is a subject very dear to my heart… for obvious reasons!

Wow! I understand what you go through to get what you need for your children. I am a veteran of those wars too. I have four boys in various programs, and wonder and worry too. Our children do not fit the educational mold, even with “so-called” special education. What options that are available are usually too costly or already overcrowded. You mention praying, and as a parent of these children you will pray or lose your mind. I believe these children are a test for the rest of us. How we treat these little ones who are precious in His eyes(God’s), may determine the reception we receive when we face our creator. I love my children, all of them and never would abandon them because of their special needs. I pray our Father will bless you and prosper you so you can serve your children. God Bless you!!

P.S. I love the give and take of Manny and yourself. My wife voted for the winner, and I wished Ron was still available.