Discussing death with children

Alternative names

Childhood bereavement

Information

Death is a concept that is extremely difficult for a child to understand. Grieving adults are often confused and unsure how to respond supportively. Most children require many explanations and have many questions regarding death. "What happens when people die? Where do they go?" are among the most common.

Discussing death is extremely difficult for many adults. It requires recognition that death is a natural process for all people. Children may have problems visualizing death. They develop fears about what happens after death, what death feels like, what would happen to them if their parents died. Parents should attempt to openly discuss death with their children if they ask about it or if the situation requires.

Death should be discussed honestly and in language that children can understand at their stage of development. A child's concept of death varies with age, and this must be taken into consideration.

Age 0-2 years:

Sees death as separation or abandonment

No cognitive understanding of death

Despair from disruption of caretaking

Age 2-6 years:

Often believe that death is reversible, temporary

May perceive death as a punishment

Magical thinking that wishes come true (such as guilt that they had negative feeling toward the person who died, and that was the cause of death)

Age 6-11 years:

Gradual understanding of irreversibility and finality of death

Concrete reasoning with ability to comprehend cause and effect relationship

Age 11 years or older:

Understands that death is irreversible, universal, and inevitable

Has abstract and philosophical thinking

Family members should know that showing feelings, such as shock, disbelief, guilt, sadness, and anger are not only normal, but helpful. Sharing these feelings as well as memories of the person who has died with the child reduces the child's sense of isolation. Children need lots of reassurance that they will be loved and cared for by a consistent adult. They also must be assured that they did not cause the death, nor could they have prevented it.

Grief is a process that unfolds over time. The initial shock and denial may change into sadness and anger that can last from weeks to months. Some children seem to show no emotional response to death, which can be disconcerting to family members. Some normal behaviors include:

Shock

Crying

Sadness

Anger

Guilt

Increased clinginess

Disobedience

Lack of interest in school

Sleep difficulties

Decreased appetite

Temporary regression to more childish behavior

Physical complaints

Signs of a problem or disorder include:

Long-term denial

Repeated crying spells

Disabling depression

Suicidal thoughts

Persistent anger

Persistent unhappiness

Social withdrawal

Severe separation anxiety,

Delinquency or promiscuity

Decline in school performance

Persistent sleep problems

Eating disorders

Long-term avoidance of feelings

Have your child seen by a doctor, mental health specialist, or clergyperson if he or she exhibits any of these signs.