Thursday, November 22, 2012

eViL G's Hate Week Picks

Well, duh...

Greetings from Duval County, birthplace of eViL G and Coach E. I'm thankful for many things...an amazing family, beautiful wife, loving daughter, both grandmothers still going strong into their 90s. But at this moment I'm simply trying to maintain without losing my mind.

It's around 1:30 on Thanksgiving Day, dinner won't be ready for another two hours. Needless to say the Hate Week juices are beginning to flow. A few hours earlier I fell asleep during Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and missed Underdog, but woke up in time to catch Elf on a Shelf...only to find out Underdog wasn't in the damn parade. What the fuck is Elf on a Shelf anyway? Get off the shelf and go make some gotdamned toys, you lazy motherfucker you.

Welcome to Hate Week...you fish-eyed fool...

Parade over...National Dog Show is on now. The Great Dane gets fucked out of Best In Show by a Wire Haired Fox Terrier? Now that's some bullshit. I'm really hungry now, craving Chinese food...wire-haired Chinese food.

For whatever reason my mother's computer isn't working, so I'm struggling to get these picks to you courtesy of my iPhone...and I'm getting pissed, so I take a break from editing before taking a hostage.

Hours later, I'm stuffed from an awesome meal, drinking 12 year-old scotch on the rocks as Texas gets its shit pushed in by TCU. There's a very good chance I'm going to sex the wife if I don't fall asleep first. She's probably hoping I fall asleep, but I took a nap earlier today. She's totally getting sexed tonight.

Life is good. I'm tipsy as a motherfucker. What was I so pissed off about?

PICKS!!Auburn at Alabama

This shirt is currently on backorder.

Suck it Oregon!!! All your national title hopes are belong to us. Sincerely, the Alabama Crimson Tide. And just when you thought Auburn's year couldn't get any worse, the NCAA is back, and this time scholarships get jacked and championships get vacated. Oh, and Bama beats Auburn by 50 on Saturday. Suck it Cam Newton!!

Roll Tide - 53War Eagle - 3South Carolina at Clemson

I hate Steve Spurrier much less when UF kicks his ass by 30. But I still hate that whiny motherfucker. You just KNOW Coach Dabo hates Spurrier's guts. Only Spurrier could turn a rally for injured stud tailback Marcus Lattimore into a standup comedy routine with Clemson being the punchline to EVERY joke. Clemson hasn't forgotten, and South Carolina doesn't have Marcus Lattimore anymore.

Tigers - 23Cocks - 13Michigan at Ohio StateOhio State is undefeated, but can't win the Big 10 or national championship. What's not to love about that? Some misguided Buckeye fans are petitioning President Obama to make their NCAA sanctions go away? Silly Buckeyes, don't you know the President is busy giving away cell phones to homeless people, food stamps to convicted murderers and free condoms to middle school children? I heard it on Fox News, and they would never steer me wrong. Enjoy your meaningless undefeated season.Buckeyes - 24Michigan - 16

Notre Dame at USCIf you're like most college football fans, you hate Notre Dame and Lane Kiffin. But this week you're forced to hold your nose and cheer for Lane Kiffin, for the good of the universe. It's like sleeping with Lindsay Lohan, then praying you only get syphilis instead of herpes. Notre Dame is back after lying dormant for quite some time, so herpes wins in spite of battling a bunch of Trojans for 60 minutes.Irish - 17USC - 13

Georgia at Georgia Tech

Fuck Georgia...UF hands them six turnovers and a goal line fumble, and now they're two games away from a national title shot without any of Herschel Walker's personalities. That's all kinds of fucked up.

Dawgs - 38Jackets - 14and finally....Florida at Florida State

Jimbo Fisher hates FSU's modest BCS ranking, in spite of passing the eyeball test every week but one. Well Jimbo can go fuck himself with a cactus. Unlike Alabama, Georgia, Florida and Oregon, FSU lost to an unranked team who lost to FUCKING TENNESSEE!!! Shut the fuck up Jimbo, and be glad you're ranked in the Top 10.

Meanwhile, Florida might be the worst 10-win team in college football history...and it's got Gator fans in a strange place. Exceeding expectations with a 10-win season and Top 10 BCS ranking is great. But if our only losses are to UGA and FSU, how good of a season is it?

Jeff Driskel is back, and that's all well and good, but UF's offensive line is absolute garbage. Driskel wasn't exactly tearing it up before he got hurt, and FSU's defense is really good...SEC good. UF's defense is damn good too, but short of an epic E.J. Manuel meltdown combined with the almighty power of the reverse mojo, UF is fucked.