SONIA!!!!

I have to say that I’m pretty impressed with Rush Limbaugh, who yet again masterminded a controversy. It’s amazing what one bamboozle (yes, I’m using it as a descriptive curse) can do with a Microphone. As the old saying goes – “When one fool throws a rock inside the well, not even ten geniuses can pull it out.”

Now as someone who’s oftentimes mistaken to be of Hispanic descent, I feel like it is my cultural duty to declare my support, and aid, as much as I can, to put Sonia inside the courthouse.

Dear Sonia,
My name is Frankelstache and first and foremost I love burritos. I know that you’re actually Puerto Rican and more actually you’re from the Bronx, but since it’s hard for us Caucasians to distinguish all you Spanish speakers, I’ll just refer to you as Mexican, if that’s alright with you.

I once had a Mexican coworker in my office and she was wonderful. Made Tamales and lots of other goodies. I liked her. Maybe you should start by bringing some Guacamole to the Senate Judiciary Committee? Not too spicy though, you don’t want the food to burn twice (on the way in is okay, on the way out – not as much). Make some Alfajores cookies, too, cause that’s an awesome sweet Mexican delight people always get in Taquerías and they will associate you with cookies and sweetness.

You could also play on the fact that you Mexicans are of small stature, so you can probably get the tiniest office, the one nobody wants cause it’s right next to the restroom’s door and it smells and you hear women cry in there all the time, which is a colossal distraction. Your size, or lack there of, also means you are much closer to the floor, so when one of your potentially future colleagues loses a contact lens you will be there instantly to find it between the small cracks in the marble.

You should also, of course, remind them to utilized your presence in the office for communicating with the ever-devious cleaning crew. No way they will cut corners now that there’s a fellow Mexican around, and you can guarantee they will replace all the garbage bags, even the ones under the printers. However, dear Sonia, watch out for this reasoning because it could easily backfire. You don’t want your coworkers to worry about you conversing in that laud ‘sitting outside The Home Depot’ language of yours with the mention crew, so be sure to clarify that though you share the same dialect, you would much rather praise Jesus and eat apple pie than to chitchat with the clean team.

A huge turn on for you, Sonia, is that Mexicans invented Tequila and you can probably boost casual Fridays taking down shots during Happy Hour. In fact, I suggest you arrive at the next Senate hearing with a little bit of salt and lime positioned carefully next to your thumb. The smart men amongst the committee will get the hint, and soon enough that will stimulate all the memories they poses of fun times during Spring Break in Cabo San Lucas. Don’t let them lick you, though, that’s inappropriate.

But the truth, Sonia, is that you are a member of the female gender, and you are one of those females who likes to speak her mind, which is not too popular in this patriarchal society. Unfortunately there’s nothing I can say or suggest that will help you overcome that unforgiving flaw of yours. Maybe you can say that you’re just a really passable and beautiful Tranny who just landed from Tijuana and you’re actually a man named Jose? No, don’t say that, that will make you an illegal immigrant and that is too much hassle, trust me. I don’t know, Sonia, I don’t know how to fix this vagina problem. Everything would have been so much easier if you were a dude.

But nevertheless I vow to continue seeking for answers, in the name of justice for you, for womenkind, and for all of Mexico. Together we can finish what Che Guevara started. Hasta La Victoria Siempre!

Do not let the dexterity of my keyboard mislead you. i wish I were of Mexican descent, but the truth of the matter is that my ancestors are an interesting mix of Russia, Germany and Poland. Like the Second World War, only the after party.