My journal through my second attempt at puberty.

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Eye for an Eye?

Just when everything seemed right with the world, things began to fall apart.

I know I’ve been gone for some time, at first I was merely busy with work (piles of paperwork left and right) then something bit more dramatic distracted me.

Once upon a time, around seven months ago, I hurt him pretty badly. I thought I was going to lose him. Rather than keeping my shame a secret, I decided to let him know… nobody deserves to be left in the dark.

I was ready to take it all, all the curses, all the shame. I was ready to do anything and everything he wanted to make it alright. He said he forgave me and that we can move on. Needless to say I was the happiest girl in the world. Being given a second chance was bliss.

Though I was forgiven I punished myself everyday. I was not able to forgive myself. Sending him money from my own pocket even though it was against my parents’ wishes, staying up late/waking up too early just to match his time, even bought him a new phone (sure it’s just a Cherry Mobile, but hey). I became a “Sugarmommy,” something I always feared of becoming.

I thought everything was finally going back to normal. Until 7th of December, in the middle of a working day, I received a Facebook Message from a girl who shall be henceforth known as “Jejewhore.”

Jejewhore: May I ask a question?

Me: Who are you?

Jejewhore: Are you still together with “The Lamp”?

Me: Why do you ask? Who is this?

Jejewhore: I’m his girlfriend.

Me: I find that hard to believe. Coz obviously I’m his girlfriend, for the past four years.

Jejewhore: We’re gonna be celebrating our first anniversary on January.

January…

January…

motherf*ckin JANUARY.

I gave him a call, hoping with all my heart that it was some sick prank that got out of hand.

As I was calling him, I checked out Jejewhore’s FB page. Waddya know, PHOTOS of him and her. Great.

He told me he knew the girl, but denied (of course) that they had a thing. It was very hard to believe him with the picture haunting my screen. Pictures that were, by the way, taken in his house… his family’s house.

I’m not even gonna mention how much I spent on phone credit. Our conversations consisted a lot of crying, swearing, and silence (very wasteful on phone credit). At one point, I made him choose… me or her. My heart pounded, my eyes were swollen, my soul was shouting “Pick me. Of course he’ll pick me.”

Him: I’m not gonna pick anybody.

The silence that followed was deafening. He sounded so… uncaring and cold.

If it was some sort of revenge of his, it would’ve been easier to wrap my mind around it. Somehow, I feel like I deserved it. But why didn’t he end it when he was satisfied with his revenge? He said he had forgiven me. Why did he let it go on? And why since January? I haven’t even left the city back then.

Why did you let it go on?

Why didn’t you tell me?

It would’ve hurt, but it would’ve been more bearable if it came from you.

Are you happy now? Are you happy now that you got your revenge? What do you want me to do now? Forgive you the same way you “forgave” me?