Mom? Dad? Honey? Turn off the computer and walk away. The rest of you slugs?

Brace yourselves for some shit. I was meandering through the internet today and I found that there are terrible, terrible things afoot, that I didn’t even know about. I’m here to give them to you. Because you are terrible people, and I dislike you all intensely. Especially you.

So, without further ado, here’s some absolute fucking garbage for you:

1) This trailer for the movie Shark Killer. It’s about a shark who eats a diamond and the man who wants revenge on it. Yuuuuup.

2) This trailer for Vice, which stars Bruce Willis and Thomas Jane. It’s basically the late night Cinemax version of Westworld, only with extra rape fantasy because everything is awful. Oh, and Johnathon Schaech is in it. Because why the hell not, right?

3) There will be a Joe Dirt 2, because there is no God, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, or any other benevolent force in the universe. There is only a swirling, inky black spiral of hate and despair that awaits us. Basically I’m saying that everything sucks and it will only get worse. Happy holidays.

TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.