Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It's the quality I think I like the most about myself, feel the most noble about--my willingness to Endure. And yet, I think it has become something other than noble, perhaps even something destructive.

There is little joy in my life when I'm living like this. There isn't much room for joy in Endure. I think there is a lot of unbelief behind Endure, like my conviction that no one else is going to come through, so I have to. It also feels like Samson's downfall--we find a quality or a strength that helps us get through life, and we make it our idol, put all our trust and hope in it. It's different for everybody, for some it's intelligence, or making people happy, for me it's Endure. But once we make this strength or quality our idol and turn to it for security, it becomes our blind spot--the thing we don't want anyone to look at or tamper with. Not even God...eventually, it becomes our ruin." Walking with God, John Eldredge

I didn't write that but I could have--I should have. Lately these thoughts have been lurking around my sub conscience, when I'm not too busy to think--that's probably why I like busy, and why I hate it.

Too many times I've asked and do ask loudly and boldly of others, "Why do I stay?"I've boldly announced and preached that I'VE NOT BEEN "UNCALLED!" --my famous speech to the masses that will listen willingly and unwillingly. But now, I ask, have I ever asked God? Have I really searched and asked and fought with my "calling" lately? Or, do I wear the "called" sign on my chest so proudly that I don't even wonder if I still am? Would I be willing to even consider being "uncalled?"

Or, am I so hung up on my willingness to Endure, so defined by it, that I have been worshiping that instead of God? Ouch!

In truth, all my security and identity is wrapped into ENDURE NEW LIFE! but doesn't that just sound ridiculous?

I've been learning this for awhile now. This summer when RT Kendall said something like, "what was once righteousness can become sin" my heart ached because I knew there was truth in his statement.

Forgiveness was the first step--but not the last.

I still don't know if I CAN leave but my heart sure needs to have a holiness make over. I have been like the Pharisees in Matt 6, with my face somber and my clothes torn, parading my anger and self-righteousness for all to see and hear. It's disgusting...I wish I would just shut up!

A humble spirit, a contrite heart... a quiet mouth and a life of prayer.

You've taught me this lesson before-I heard you for awhile, I obeyed for awhile...then I chose to forget. I chose to indulge in anger and self-gratification. To be the martyr and to expose myself to others in the most indecent way--Forgive me Lord Jesus for placing myself on your throne.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

There are times in life where happiness can be as simple as 24 colors and a blank piece of paper. And in those times, life is the simplest and the best. It's 10 am, we are all still in our pj's, the coffee is hot and the kids are coloring Christmas pictures. Simple pleasures...

Christmas card it's not... I have black circles under my eyes because I didn't take off my eye make up last night, there are toys all over the floor and last nights dinner dishes are still lurking in the sink.

And yet, everything about this morning is the best. I've even rented a crazy old movie about dial up internet and the birth of email...any guesses? I love this movie!

24 colors...what does that mean to you? My 24 colors come in many shapes:1. A good cheap glass of wine.2. New PJ's3. Sleeping past 6:30am4. Spicy Doritos5. A great candle6. Free Shipping7. Fresh smelling laundry8. Moving up on the Bejeweled leader board9. Laughing like a hyena with good friends10. Snow falling11. A good book12. A long hot shower13. Diet Coke14. Warm socks15. A good joke on the radio16. All green lights on LaGrange17. A good neck crack18. Long hot shower19. Christmas tree lights20. "What'd I get in my Happy Meal" excitement21. dancing in the kitchen22. sun in December23. Preschooler Christmas programs24. A good sneeze

24 colors...they change, sometimes they melt and get stuck in the carpet...but I'm glad that life can be reduced to 24 colors sometimes...sometimes I need it!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I just finished the most exhausting weekend of the year. I'm sore, tired, spent and so thankful to have had the opportunity to stretch myself to limits I didn't think possible.

A few years ago, after a long, hurtful and discouraging fight I was placed in a role at our church that has turned out to be a true source of joy for me. I was, by omission, made the director of our choir program. Even though I wasn't a music teacher, didn't have a degree, didn't play the piano and had never really done this job before, God decided that I should take on this responsibility. I had no idea what I was doing except that I had sung in many choirs. I didn't know how to find music, how to run a practice, how to really read music or anything else that goes along with this job...but none of that mattered. In order to take this job, I had to give up the one thing I thought made me the happiest in the world; I had to give up singing. I exchanged singing for silence, being in front of an audience to turning my back on them, something I knew well for something I knew nothing about. None of it made sense and if conventional wisdom would have prevailed I simply would have said, "no." But, I didn't. I took the job.

I struggled through it, I still struggle through it...but the choir was gracious and encouraging. They continued to show up, they continued to work, they continued to trust me even when I didn't trust myself. They followed where ever I led them; although I have no idea why. The choir pitched in, they gave their ideas, they helped me and they helped each other. If I think about it, we all had been hurt, we were all licking our wounds, we were all gun shy, but together we kept our eyes on the Lord and continued to do what we loved, worship him in the only way we knew how, through music.

And now here I am, at the end of the most exhausting weekend of the year. Looking back on a wonderful weekend of services filled with great, difficult, Christmas music. Together we praised the Lord the best we knew how... I praised the Lord the best I knew how... and I wasn't singing... I wasn't making a single sound. I was directing a group of dedicated brothers and sisters, encouraging them to do their best, banging out a rhythm that helped them stay together. This has me speechless. I love this job more than any other... Thank you Father, for creating in me a love for something I knew nothing about. Thank you Father, for having faith in me and not letting me take the easy way out. I heard the angels singing... I did...but I didn't expect it... Shocking!

About Me

About the Author:
On a quest to figure out where God wants me, I am trying to take one faith step at a time each day. Most of my days are spent driving children to and from school, sports, rehearsals and church groups. It's quite possible that the word Honda from the drivers seat of my car has been permanently imprinted on my rear end. I also have the privilege of being the leader of the Worship Staff Team at New Life church where I get to encourage great people to accomplish their best. As part of that job I also get to sing and make music, help people worship Jesus and listen to his Spirit as He speaks to their hearts. MOPS has been a part of my life for almost 15 years and is one of the most important organizations I've ever been a part of.