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Warning from Author:This post is extremely personal and contains some explicit details of my life that may be hard to read. I tried to edit the details as much as possible while still being true to myself by not holding back--I have been doing that for too many years.
October of 2007 was my last post. It has been about that long since I have laid eyes on my own blog. To do so would only compound the feelings of failure, guilt, and frustration I have been feeling for the last 6 months, no -- let's just lay it all out on the table -- the feelings that I have battled with most of my life from prepubescence to present day. With the help of a therapist, my husband, and my trusty anti-depressants, I have chosen, made a conscious decision, to make another concerted effort to let you all in on my big bad secret. I have shared my story with a few that I trust. I make light of it as a way to distance myself so that I can actually put my thoughts into words without blubbering all over the keyboard.

The only obstacle standing in my way is me. I am too comfortable where I am. It takes such effort to change. I am stuck in the rut of being comfortable and that scares me. I look around and see so many people in the same place I am in because we are afraid of change. In my heart I know that I would be happier and more fulfilled if I could just remember what it was like to be basking in the HOT, I loved it then. I was so excited, felt so weightless, wanted to share my joy with everyone. What happened to that? Now I make excuses for myself. I went to sleep too late-- I can't get up early to have a moment with my Father, the kids were driving me crazy today-- I need a night to veg out in front of the T.V., I can't talk to my friends, let alone my neighbors about God-- they will think I am weird.
I can only thank God for his merciful grace, because I am imperfect and He knows that. But I know that I need to change, do my part; my dream was an awakening for me. It showed me that I cannot wait till tomorrow for the things that I keep putting off. How do I know that there will be a tomorrow for me? I don't want to come out of the Lukewarm because I am afraid of what will happen to me when I die. I want to come out of it because I have a love for God and I know that His will for my life is so much more than what I am doing. He is the one who has always believed in me, always had hope for me. He knows that I am capable of more, I am the one letting myself down.
I have an ear, and I will listen. I will fight the temptation to live an indifferent life. I know that it would be easier not to fight, but I am worth it. We all are. Be convicted of something and have passion. Either love something with all your might, or despise something and turn from it, but don't get caught in the web of the Lukewarm for long because you will learn to dwell in it and begin to convince yourself that you are happy, that you don't deserve any better--and you do. ( Note to self )