Black Wii Upsets “Urban” Gamers

HARLEM, NEW YORK CITY—The highly anticipated release of the black model of the Nintendo Wii system quickly turned to mob scene at the GameStop on 125th Street. Adult gamers and parents of younger gamers crowded the store demanding refunds, citing disturbing differences between the black Wii and the original white model.

“My daughter bought me this Wii Fit thing, and it got me doing pull-ups on the traffic lights and running from the police!” Dana Robinson told any and everyone who would listen. Robinson, 53, received her Wii as a gift from her daughter and hoped to lose some weight before her daughter’s wedding. Unfortunately, the stereotypical exercises had the reverse effect. “I was so upset, I didn’t know what to do…so I watched Judge Hatchet and ate some Chinese food.”

In this case, calling it the African-American Wii just isn't enough.

Other features that some Harlem residents have been complaining about have concerned the console itself: some controllers are missing buttons, the Wii nunchuck cable is made of metal chain link and this model include a special set of decals, which include simulated bullet holes, crack pipes and Timberland boot prints. The Vice President of Urban Affairs at Nintendo made a statement defending these “features” via Twitter:

“We wanted to reach out to the urban community, not alienate. Our choices were based on in-depth research and were not meant to be racist.”

Black Wii owners have found it difficult to accept the apology tweet and point to some of the new game titles as proof that the VP of Urban Affairs has a lot to learn about black people. In addition to the exercises previously mentioned in the Wii Fit system, the black Wii Sports bundle includes new games that have caused a stir. The bundle includes titles like “Cee-lo Master,”“Slap Boxing” and “Domino, Motha#*@%@!”

Nintendo claims the system was for guys like this, who couldn't get the hang of Wii Bocce

A Nintendo insider (whose identity cannot be revealed) has confessed that this urban backlash will not negatively impact profits because the majority of Black Wii purchases have been made in predominantly white, suburban areas of the country anyway. “If anything,” he said, “all this controversy is only going to boost our sales. All we need now is for those savages to start shooting each other for them and we’ll really be rolling then.”

So far, the only violence related to the new Nintendo Wii has been on screen, as demonstrated in the new game “Pimp Hero,” where you play a pimp who wins the game by ruling his stable of women with an iron fist. But if the Nintendo insider’s prediction is accurate, the only party that won’t suffer from ensuing violence is the company that incited it, which is a common story.