Gwyneth Paltrow’s School Didn’t Teach Her ‘Reading Or Anything,’ So That Explains A Lot

Do you ever wonder how Gwyneth Paltrow became Gwyneth Paltrow? How was she shaped into the goopy character she is today? Was she made in a witch’s brew of leafy vegetables and organic skin cream and overpriced shoes? Did an angel visit her one night as a child and bless her with eternally pin-straight hair? As it turns out, she just went to a really alternative school where she learned nothing of value. And now we know!

Last night Gwyneth visited Jimmy Kimmel Liveto talk about her children’s first day of school. Apparently they’re taking the school bus for the first time this year (quite shocking that Gwynnie would allow it, since they might be offered a potato chip). Jimmy knew this was the point where he was supposed to lead into Gwyneth’s ridiculous story about her own childhood education, so he asked if they go to the same school she did, to which she replied “No, they go to a real school” and then goes into all the hippie details of her youth.

Apparently Gwyneth’s school is reputable now, but back in the day it was a little less so. First of all, Gwyneth says she “didn’t learn anything.” Specifically, she didn’t learn “math or reading,” which are kind of important subjects for schools to teach, I’ve found. But what she did learn was meditation, emotional movement, and “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye (which was apparently a class?). So that explains a lot. Sure, she later moved to New York and attended a real school, where she says she was a “moron for two years.” But what you learn — or don’t learn — as a child stays with you. So that might explain why she’s a little a lot out of touch with reality sometimes.