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Again I can he their voices coming nonstop from the talking
room downstairs.Babette, ...e.i. I hear my name in the long
night rqin, I lie on my back between candy stripe sheets o-- ~-4/
listening, And I know it's me they are hbthey
call me an idea. fiti- i' ,-t-"S n!g.at .... .a.. .

Sle? 5e1i.L was your idea and don't you deny it...

Is h

(Your T idea, not mine, the whole deal...
KHush! not so loud dear!'9
Go hush yyprself ~ You had it all
-( 4 ^-- -^--- --^
figured ouT, a planned hah c'weet chr with me for mom and'
a test tube for pop, the tube,you went all out for it, so
sanitary you said, safer than i 4f pieup e f iinht
bar fly, though anything will do, 4- ke snappy pai4--
ngrT?' A little bastard' better thar nothing.].2? You couldn't
wait another second to play house,.
4You are drunk. -

I almost dd swalloww it. But mot1.hr..- y iBRt shrugs and
lights a .i.:. -"e---- I
rn'rit. No war for me with her. How can we have peace?
N-irr-'at iF'r: ro2 v.)'ift, .reCasons, war"o''-reace, she trf.id -'thI ,*1 '

whs her-b-lue- true-Atcr.ica;... motto, and besides she had already
Cth^kdi she hadlayed out.
invested as-iot-Sof time in me, not to speak of the money.
c. private ,.~ '/- -
She had reserved t w aw ~4h.-te mnbaimmbn lay-in ward of

register she must he talking about, though it's all the same
to mom as long as the tuition doesn't come out of her pocket.

C

'^K
z-'7

a.s

V.

J
y

-We pride ourselves in being, said hMs.B, a progressive
conservative institution e dowed by the few fo tehappiness

oi-rte-1rny in the rp"ved tradition of owin processed o *. /
Wherefore it gives me high satisfaction to announce to you

that we have admitted our first Negra Pura, a pitchblack
be
pedigreed princess from what used to/eupehmistically labeled
the ivory gold coast of the dark continent. Now what's there to

laugh about?

I raised a hand and asked for permission to go to the toilet.
As soon as I had made sure that I was alone in the white -tiled
of
cloisters, I took a magic marker out f Prmxarmdrm my sock and
went to work on the doors:

wi-fBSu
BABETTE IS

babette, I w mrpenmiibxiafR spit on it to wipe it off, I started
again, habette is, I wiped it off, feeling sleepy, but the bell
rang and kids came bursting into the cloisters, such noise
flushing the school house and Barnum's liberty bell never
stopped ringing.ih the privy smell of piss and pot and
s*f
blooming lilacs.

B^;-+ .-- ~ilac scented talcum mom dusts on her armpits

armpits little hollows of r'er-, hair, small paie wMeds

growing under mom's arms as she raises them above her head with
t -e -v > the mirror. V kissing mom's armpits, lilac, watching-

the mirrored kiss kissf4 g the mirror which -i's, witJih

12

was lipstick red with greasy mouths. "0 gee J joy my had

had hoy what were you up to last night?"

V's clean-shaven armpit -is a plucked chicken, twitching.

Her thumb curved upward, running down mom's curved spine.

Mom was naked, she started to shake, and on the vanity
to
table the powder box toppled, blew its lid. and- crashed mn the

floor to the tune of home on the range.

0 give me a hole, the softest tinkle surviving the crash ,

they giggled, white lilac talcum powder making a blizzard .

The buffaloo is in the zoo, sang mom, she shivered, their
man sized
nipples were touching in the ihamm bedroom mirror in the

But there always came the moment when the axvwnr iron shutter
a she the
came down with bang and Af was left with dbhs empty pillow at

home, and with a fantasy parade of hen~ rivals. Those ghostly

rivals were crowding her night, she saidmmau she-sai~ ) those

rivals were more real than the one's she'd watch through

the bullet hole in the tavern window across Milwaukee's bluest

beer lake. How could she be sure how J was winding up the

night, with whom or what, when J told her next to nothing, though

always enough to make her suspect the worst? The two had made

a pact, a gentlemen's agreement, V called it, so I should have a

pop, pop out of mom and tighten the knot that had got t:

looser. 1 I fahfAsixtm didn't show arinlthjn but the knot 1'oi

wts getting tight and wia>:rtxrit.JoM turning into a noose around

V-s neck' or nose.

-I was willing to lend you out for a few hours. But of course

you never Igm count the hours,aQsd you have no watch.

-Once a hooker always a hooker, V said when she thought she

coula hear it no more, those ahominal jealousy pains in her abdomen,

those ghostly visitations alone in bed when she'd imagine J

mom lying with all the seamen, their sweethearts too. And hadn't

mom balled with an Eskimo on the Arctic Slope under a-snaes blanket?

-You were hustling in Fairbanks when you pretended to study

the mating habits of the wolf at College,Alaska I've checked, youth
and
police record. And what, if I may make so hold aminmn ask, where you
up to
dmrisn that night at BANG'S in the lady's room? (No, BANGS doesn't

have a man's room, I grant you that much). I pulled you out of

the morass, and gave you all I had, myself, rmy, money. And h)w did

you repay me? You have no love for anyone ( not for yourself (r

me, you're set on destroying everything, so go ahead, destroy,

kill me, but do it fast.
pair of scissors
But do it fast with what a Il Jlclhrbmnik'mrL, a pdn memnfA

rests in her lap. Two butterflies alight on the blank page,
me
and paint nm a beautiful picture orange and yellow. But Aunt V's
fogged
/eyes, indmiti.s are on the shadow of a far away flag pole.
wass I wrong
-Sometimes I wonder dMrnimdhminfnmmng divorcing Jock, trading one,

J for another a ?she asksma into the faintest breeze.

Was Jock a he, was he a she? tm That I must ask her.

-A he of course, what a child you still are. I'm as straight
suspects.
as the next guy, not even bi-lingual, my Guru as.mmao.xmImn.Imaxns

like Ludwig V B's made him withdraw from reality and when I was
and with hSs nephew,
u der the knife, he was at his Ninth Symphony, though unlike the
Jock
deaf titan hl never had a note of his performed, and it was left
support the nephew
to me to/pay the piano tuner..
the
Was JmaiBrfim nephew my father? Jock-Jay, the butterflies have
book
flown away. The glow is gone the sketch/is barren again.

Jack in the pulpit. I turn over and let myself roll downhilL:

in the fat grass, downer and downer. The trees are flying through

the air. Aunt V has vanished. I laugh, I roll through the

tumbleweeds in the hushed fog of the valley into the night.

-I broke my ass for you, mom says to V, they squatting on fat

cushions in the pulman parlor fighting room, their noises pressing

through horse hair, cracked bottles, split mirrors. -The whole crrew

from the skipper down to the sweeper where lining up by my picket
sod
fence to plant their prick into my piece of smm mnmf. Fuck you andi

your taxdeductible womb, I bet you sold it for a good price to

some fucking medical school. Exhibit V. I've h ad it. I spit on you,

you using me for your substitute belly, and don't you dare hush md&

I never wanted that brat, any bra.t, I didn't raise my skirts to

be a mother. /,/,.

-Hush Jay, you've ha d too mulei. You know how I ~LAwryou. -

I'd do anything to please you, even cut off my ear like Vincent V G,

Teddy's lunatic brother...

-OK, cut off your clit. HuirdOe.-',t--.~- l'cT T',t -"oat 'i.

Mom burning with gin, burping with tonic, quinine buhble-

bath. They le.t..me..hve-i4 with a spynmifib jigger of gin to keep

me from bawling my lungs out, Aunt V, consulting books haby

care, found gin was a mmm no-no, liquor mniht stunt m growth.
070 2.-t Gy /
But I grew an y7 faster and bigger than they-in all directions.

Last night I dreamed I ate my tongue.. It tasted f-~Luiiy.
SMIASIH CRASH. A bottle has shatter against the mirror. Mom

roaring drunk tears through the talking room Aunt V fitted with

overstuffed lounge chairs, mirrors from Garfield's presidential

special o Irfoxh-m~ asmsh- he never boarded. immS Some nut shot him

dead. mdash IU.-.tG. I'm sitting upin bed not scared at all.

Dead soldiers are s -~ -.,"U.. n'. ;a on my t1444-Ce

transistor. Let mom tear the roof down.

will
The roof sits tight. It 'bnglat iwm take a bomb to smash it,

the house is solid brick, the' front door solid oak with the

american eagle in brass for a knocker. Aunt V says ou6 neighborhood

is safe for solid citizens like us because it's so unsafe for the
little people
m mftaff, what with the waterfront full of narcotics, exotics,
perverts and
/pimps, dog catchers, cradle snatchers,, seamen to drunk to remember
which ship they jumped. From the roof which never budged, the river
seems
mnaola so close we, might e aboard a irate ship. But we are
/)C
snugly tucked away on a little side alley i n smelling distance

of the trucks and the dead fish. Aunt V says not everybody can

afford to live in a house that looks so poor from the outside

you'd think there wasn't a thing inside worth stealing. Ours, she

reminds us when we complain of the sA is one of thi6 iwm rare-

American homes which hasn't been either burglarized, or shot at,

or burned to ashes. No stranger would suspect there is a home

in t..L:E stinking little old lley. Few even know there is. an

alley, and those who ps through only stop to urinate ie oulr

stopp. Then they pass on. True, one fine morning we found the

american eagle hanging half- unscrewed and limp, but that, Aunt V
looking mom straight in the eye,
figured, i n jxi r1.tri.nr:nunins.lioxNoh must have been an

inside job. And she screwed the bird back o tight. -Back to your

nest, she said, sla-mmihg-t-he_dopr shut.

-You really piss me off, says mom whever Aunt V refers to

the nest which is what she calls ttxe house. -A hornet's nest is
with a sting in her voice
more like it, says mom/ but Aunt V defends herself xrxaxtxiix

with gentle dignity, explaining that woman has a built-in

nesting instinct. A cozy nest for every family, that is her

creed, her"-motiva-tion, she says, why s.e went into t'ic-r-cia
V

real estate, abstracts, though not in the arts where she prefers

the realb t, h~ -at'ea-t. 0 she might have done well as a landscape

painter, painting what meets the eye. But her nesting instinct

made her turn to the city and buy up rows of tenements so eftt~ n

even the rats were moving out.

-Yeah, mom says, chewing on an apple je, spitting the seeds
across the table
with amazing precision/into a certified Ming vase.fidrmxfsatmairai

to you it's hard to believe ttx:t your dad was dea of education and
mom- /, ^ .,....' a
your mother an associate professor of speech. I weket-l-hard' for

every cent I made and you are spending, I used my wits, and my hands

ant ghen I found it hard to find a plumber I took a course inthnat,.

and associated fields. What I made I made on my own with a short
Jake
term loan from Jock, excuse me I pean.k. Oap the income tax lawyer,

my first .T.-.hand. I'm happy to say ha ,g, happily married again
happy .4
an. the recenX father of a baby.

-Bully for him! Mom cries and she spits an4 apple seed

straight down V's V neckline. -Here's something to help with

the baby shower. While Aunt V, sililing brighter s4)'... :,'-,y-

pours water into an empty
and brighter ignores the baby shower, she tilmamammnipmofmhmmmratner
wine glass and taking a sip she asks was it a sin
f MIT Ir0i.n33-gaa nTn1 r .q nloxut aO\ n m iii cnirth roi hnsix
turn
to buy up property cheap and mmaes rotten tenements rmin into
charming nests
b uamiOnl tIhmam with sun and mmr.- other Spilities to sell' at

a profit or rent to those who can afford a bit of comfortlI1J.i
afford it
immammy though everybody ought to haavimmtilhmt of course, she's the

NYou win,says mom. Imtms ~mianHtmimmBinmamfixMxwhIxram~ismloimram
Her have the
dmwnxhanxoixw.nxaamm. Mmn lms eyes Ihmwm tbl~ owl look, as if a second
over
lid had gone down ma them like a thin film you still see the

mitae pupils,mNit Bmthatdmfdimxibika dark honey under that film ,

and she isn't lookinat V wh is looking own her. Owrboom, she
V calls it a pri eless o (je ( art
is looking at the Chinese vase -5~liifah miean;xjihfxmslHxm
miM maybe
'x~akaI 'th ,i.ivai.n because she paid such a |hka price for/it, ,i.
for all I know not rj<7 DJ C,. Oe- Q '7
though f7:,-,--7. it 's just a vase n r3mbher tall not small and with

a-gayn ha landscape painted nnmnii across its belly.

-You Win, says mom again in that faraway tone which crimes out
drops miaR it to
of her belly and fatbs back intmi~. tFhenamtib die. She drops the

stem that all that's left oft her apple, and she gets up :?rom the

chair and sleepwalks toward vase. and with a joy and a

horror too waitt for her to pick it up and rmp? 1H' '' 4 .,-

smash it.

But no,.@he simply stands there, T:r:I' ~humb hooked into the
contemplates
leather belt of her faded pants=, she stammsmat the vase-

as though she never had seen before-, perhaps she never did
A
see it until this moment, shmranm'm mxvsm her eyes are different
hare
from other eyes. She stands poised on the balls of her gmimny

feet which are always grimy, she shakes her head in wonderment
one
and than.--sc traces the landscape with imm thumb, the other

she keeps in the hobnailed belt. She traces the few little

clouds and thdn the gray cliff and then the little old man
a
who is sitting beneath the cliff with fhm coolie hat oh

and holding a fishing pole although there are no fish. There is

no water.

But now the sun comes in from the talking room and

bounces off the mirror above the mantle and mrmmirndemomihcm

airmomcinmpeIppdooriocrioht.en th3 little man on the vase is

fishing in ripples of water. Mom is floating in the mirror

in the water very still. I step behind her. We are both
knows
in the water, though Aunt V has natiimcd nothing of this.

or sing. -Gogo swears, it's: -a-org-.ry, hV e ells me I was
not to".~~siis advice
a fool s ~n mmaitih f ia nhi, she says across the sm~
0.; Gogo
fruit 4alad. -I begin to wonder if L;r' may not be right since the
xwhwais immme skipped
dealer I bought it from has since alc-~ the country wri~tif

'-...oo i;Iii;,O1 a Ss,-, i.i if t -H_ from under the water

-Who '. G,, '... m l:.: *-. r:"

-Y rr^ i'Y ^ o ^;1-

She honestly thinks mom is studying that vase to find out
whether it's or
Aflmminimia genuine ming marm ifm a fabulous fake as Gogo insistsiit is,

-The dealer gave me a cebtifica.te which states he bought if from

a Chinese poet Li-Tai-Po But Gogo says the poet is a fake like

the vase, and the dealer has skipped the country. -I really

begin to wonder, Aunt V says maga across the salad, -if I haven't
may be
been had. Gogo ntghirmilnx!ur'-n mmrnihn-be right, you know, he used

shoulder, and once when they had forgotten to bring her flowers,
,Gogo who is slight an sly-. te vase an
Gogo who is slight and sly, i.-.4-to the vase and

lifted a dozen carnations mom had either bought for her or

shoplifted Rteari-rasnua ras a rare gesture of peace after another

one of their screaming fights. They were hybrid carantions:,

t MiOxppir part prnk part white, and Gogo, komak xb pretending

he had bought or shoplifted them for Aunt V, played them into

her cradled arms. She didn't mind the trick. She stooped and

kissed him thank you on the head. It's the gesture, she said, that

counts. It's the idea.
at the house
The idea, she said, was to have as many of the fellows amnndim

as the traffic would bear. Her analyst thought I needed a father

image. She'd call me on the intercom to come and join them -

the fellahs, she called them in Egyptian. They would kIiss me!.
and
There was a great deal of hugging af kissing. -Don't worry about

her weight, they'd assure Aunt V. -It's baby fat. She'll outgrow

it and grow rdbmhm a beautiful GG figure exactly like yours, VV.

Everybody came in doubles, VV, Gogo, Dodo, Hoho and I was

BB. They looked so different each time, with different hair or

voices, I got them mixed up in my head. They let me mix martinis

dry and high the merest whiff of V, they sang through patches

of shadow and sun as they sat in the yard around the mirror top
among
table in the black soot, the plastic tulips. Why wouldn't VV
plants perhaps
grow the real thing, impmrar real fragrant Eidri:W- maff)e in boxes?

But she hriuminrinb had tried everything, she explained, but everything

live died ip th&s yard, knd even on her dead mother's smm land
S .:-/:. :.. her 1:.
(which always was rmtn own, vyi\ understand, the plants were beginning

to die maybe because of poluti-ojio .,-c ,

4 29

;i I'd pass the drinks while mom might sneer from an upstairs

, window my window? I'd pass the carrot sticks as she'd shout

down at them that they were nothing but a bunch of freeloading

maggots or faggots. -You godamn Bags, huy your own booze! she'd

yell. -Buy your own carrot sticks! And sie'd slam the window shut

hard enough to shatter the panes. There always was some broken

glass in the yard.

They didn't yell back. They ignored her. But when she was

out of sight as she usually was, then they would go to work on

her. -Good riddance, they'd say whenever she took off -for ever,Aunt

V might cry in despair, breaking down.

-I've lost her, she would sob and they would catch her

tears in a pocket handkerchief -or colored napkin and say the hitch

should have got lost long ago, and how could VV ever have permitted
thb sharp little hustler
th~usxhuHiUaRIyimkmxto run her life?.

-She's a fake. She's phonier than your vase, said Gogo.

-She'll be hack to take your for al) you're worth. SheS11 run you

out of your house as sure as my ,name used to he Gallagher.

-Why? Why? Aunt V woulu cry, lpotngOlike a flustered hen.

Butch, bull dyke A hitch. They called mom all sorts of names.
/ VV
They said she was schememing to throw AnnM out of her nest. They
VV
saidmshe should have waited until I was of age before making the

house over in my name. -She's BB's mother on paper if not

for real, though it's really you who should he the mother,

you are the great white mother of all of us.

I've heard it before. Mom's going to chase Aunt V out of

the house. -You'll be left without a roof over your head, they
that she owns
warn her,as though they have forgEtten Ihsrcai y other houses .

She weeps. She too has forgotten those houses, it seems. I

have forgotten them. I imagine Aunt V homeless4ew the water-

front and vanishing in the fog. Flo too has vanished, but not

with her. Now mom and I have the big house for ourselves.

But we lie ;t'-y on the roof, ,We picnic ~there We sleep

in sleeping bags. The roof is the deck of our ship.

-Why? ',hy would she want to drive me out? Aunt V keeps asking

the fellows.

-Because... they say and Aunt V puts a finger to her lips

for fear I should hear. Don't fear. I am not here. I'm on the roof

with mom. She's fast asleep in her sleeping bag. It will

be hard to wake her up and I shall have to guard her with my life.

I'm watching out for both of us. The Milky Way makes a

huge arch in the sky. I'm standing guard.

The foghorn sounds low and dark;th,,IughtlT reii t In the

talking room Aunt V and mom are playing their favorite record.

BONNE NUIT CHERIE. Are they dancing I wonder, are they

fighting? BONNE NUIT CHERIE it says on the short jecket

Aunt V sports in bed, she bought it in Paris with greeting from
to V
la belle Helene tfmmmainiy.Paris is her wonderland,the palisade amuseme
park of all her dreams.
BONNE NUIT CliEi~E, Aunt V said, tucking me in and kissing

me goodnight for mom who was away. I asked her was it true that
.mwas the owner of her be
I ow~mtnaSmh house, and she said I woltld as soon as I was of age,
C-' she had dear mama
and she was leaving everything to me and my moithE1T, it was
except when it comes to lovers.
share and share alike. -You'll be well off -and I do hope you',=
f--nd -coo hus.lb n ,. :';!.m a .ke,-a-,-go.2 v.'..f:-:"- nri r.,,ther ;-; tiu.iyi'"

you'll finish your education unlike your mummy, she
summer
could he a PhD mramnm come if she hadn't dropped out of

JH 13 at 14. She has brains and--you hetter-hel-ieve-~ity

but she lacks sitzfleisch, sitting flesh roughly transla-

ted. I learned the word from a room mate who preceded

J in the alphabet of my past. Her name was I, she mastered
I nm-fr ai5d c c,, 7'
15 languages but spoke not one inmVIpW she was born

a-deaf mute. Her manner was extremely aggressive, no doubt
total
she was trying to compensate for her/silence. Ah well, she

has her ML and a husband in Hackensack. Men like dumb women

You should have no trouble finding a husband, what with

your poise andi cprli'eeon, all dimples, no pimples.
a-t c >--r-
Still you had better get your dgree first just in case.

Take it or_. leave deep down in my heart I think that

a career \% ~ wreck a woman's marriage, or vice versa.
rat race
Forget the motea, stay home with the kids, I say, and let

your man provide for you. Men love to compete in the open

market, that'swhy their life expectancy is lower than ours..

They die early. I wish I'd had the good fortune to be-
/ -(L/. I never had your kind of security.
a-home make'a. Ahwell xyonwma mthmwiimnrtherii -x

You'll make'as a wife and mother, B-ut don't throw your-

self away on just anybody. You only have one maidenhead;.

HIld on to it. Don't burn your flag or girdle. Burn up

youf calories instead. Excercise.Jog with J for god and

country. Pot god's sake dmnr~ learn not to s-iove food into

your mouth all the time....

Mv mouth she said and all the time. But that was at a
before
different time, in the country, thma~n ymthe big storm hit the

hills and ripped the roof off the old barn Aunt V had just

finished sketching. The storm clouds came rolling in fast. The

wind was whipping up the dust behind the grocery store, and

through the wire fence, the dust I saw a baby chick being pecked

to death by the mother hen. I should have saved the chick.But

I couldn't climb the barbed wire. The chick was dead and still
pecking
the mother hen kept/ away at it and clucking like all fury.

It scared me to death.

-Survival of the fittest, Olli said. Hie had jumped down from

his father's delivery truck, and was creeping up from behind me

the way he always does in those sandals made from cut-up old
a
tires. -That chick didn't have ckinnmmurn chance, he said.
to he there
-I happened tiomsa ib when it came out of the egg with one

wing missing.

He pinched my behind and off we went together behind the

garbage dump into the bushes.

BONE NUIT CHIERIE for god and country. I didn't learn it from

the birds and bees. I learned it from a kindergarten book:

Fun with Mr.Sperm and Mrs.Ovugi. Picture fun with funny-facad*

blobs and blubber. I wonder wmia whose Mr.S shacked up with mom's

Mrs.O, how did she get pregnant with me at least three times- 0"

I know she aborted me once0 a.i] th~-other time I almost made it,

but ~ 'was a still hirth, I was born dead. That particular birth

or death of mine shook her up worse than the others,no matter how

she would protest that she never wanted me or any child, that I

wasn't her idea but V's entirely. Poor baby B I wonder where they

put me away. If I knew I'd visit my grave, but nobody knows

where it is, not even Flo who has been with us for ever,. She came'

with the house, said Aunt V. No use asking mom. She pretends it

never happened. She was so broken up when it happened, she
game room
locked herself into the rnrtmpagcxroom with a crate of gin.

Aunt V had to kick the door in to get her out.

Perhaps I have no grave. Perhaps they threw me into the

fireplace. I've often combed through the ashes, but I've found

nothing. Once I found a snmll chicken hone.

Like mom, I'Tw%~_ ked to forget. It's Aunt V who keeps hlvibra&dng

mp harping on the still birth, asking why, why did it have to

happen to them? Oh, that other time when her Jayboy had lost me:

after maybe two month no one had been surprised, what with her

drinking like a fish at BANGS and diving from the bridge of a fire

boat into the Hudson dead drunk, and riding the top of the

garbage truck, and the Ferris wheel on Coney Esland. But the

next, the crucial time when she had carried me for full nine

months, she had been an angel. She had taken her vitamins, had

followed doctor's orders with a meekness unbelievable in one

who was so rebellious, so careless with her own body. But of course

she had taken care of my little body. Except for an occasitinal

puff, she had quit smoking and sworn off liquor for the duration.

She had drunk a quart of milk a day, had not roamed the streets.

She had been in bed each night before midnight. Ah, those months
slipping
had been heaven, a second honeymoon, Aunt V recalled, nimbhi :h the

wedding hand off her finger an through it at me? Never, she said,

had they been so close before o since, There had been no ?ights.

Even my blue nursery which used to make h'e sick to the stomach,

had suddenly pleased her, and oh she had looked heavenly her

Jayboy with the swelling breasts, the swollen belly. No morning

sickness. She had smiled into the I n:iwg sun, rocking my empty

cradle, diapering the rubber doll which Aunt V had' had bought for

her Tn Gimble's bargain basement to practice on. Be prepared:!

They both had observed the boyscout motto to the letter. And why
v vicious
dear god had fate played such a aiasoons trick on three innocents?

Three, said Aunt V, and sometimes- she said four, including Flo

perhaps because Flo was black as the road, and Aunt V was active

in equal neighborhood rights in conjunction with the local

rotary chapter. Four victims, she said, opening her heart to

Flo who was washing the dishes before stacking them up bit in

the portable dishwasher to be washed over again. Everything

was done twice over. Everybody came in doubles. -Poor BB, Aunt
I thought
V said, squeezing me tight to her chest. And all at once i-xmumn
both victim
tr..xmymnjCd that itm maybe it was me who was nmmomrby/number
and mInm it
threemhiut number fourlfo I had a twin, ancxthhn:tmtraxwas born
twin
dead, thatxBx xtatiixhwmn, but the other Ti had stayed alive

for a full day at least to be suckled and Am kissed by mom.

That B was me. For if I never was alive- at her breast why should:

she have grieved bad enough to lock herself into the poolroom

with a whcle crate of gin? Nobody in his right migd could be

that sentimental, least of all moir who calls Aunt V ( sentimental
wearing
asshole for spetimmg a paper poppy on V day.

-The fields of Flanders, Aunt V said to Flo -I saw them on

a guided tour and I was moved, by the historic tragedy. Still --

private tragedy tis seems so much w~ ee. Charity begins- at home

and ends at home.

-You said a mouthful, ma'm, said Flo and after a pause she
I/ begged
repeated the mmtah ma 'm no doubt tqannoy Aunt V who had aslbem g l-; -

cmll/ammmammpThy V as we were all god's little children and this

wasn't magnolia country but a progressive town house with the

American eagle screwed to the front door.
Flo
Still won't drop the ma'm and each time she says it she seems

to b hitting Aunt V in the stomach. As for mom, Flo doesn't call

her anything. They don't speak. But me she likes, we talk, and

when I get into the fudge, she makes believe she's blind. She

shuts her eyes, she abmpm raps the broomstick to the floor and hums:

Steal away...

Steal away for Jesus. Flo and I hit it off from the start,

before I was born.

-That still birth. What a tragic waste, Aunt V said to Flo.
I retained
-What went wrong? i.,iinhied the most expensive obstetricians, remember,

-It's being done all the time, ma'm. Flo wasn't laughing anymore
watching without mnt moving
or even smiling. She was dead serious, tas1aringlmar Aunt V,,hilk emm
a muscle,
ioIcmde,'lGininr.d,-:, and her eyes were suddenly like aneria!h Indian's,
Then
narrowed and guarded. She crossed her arms, She opened her mouth

no more sweets in this house she cried, wrenching the cookie
it'
.jat away from me and emptying/into the trash can. -No more sweets!

Do you hear me, Flo?

-i~taih;r-jn~ .I.iouIs there anything else ma'm?

-Yes. Your uniform needs mending. It's split at the seams on

both sides.

-Yes, ma'rI Flo said. Her face was a black mask. There was a
washed
faint clatter. as she stacked up/the plates in the dishwasher to
had
be washed over again as Aunt V had demanded for reasons unknown

even to herself.perhaps.

-Obscene, thw way she licked her fat lips, she did it to

spite me of course, Aunt V says to mom. -That walruss tongue, I

couldn't begin tod describe it, huge, pink and slimy...

-Sounds yummy to me, says mom.

-Don't he vulgar, J. Think of yolir daughter.

-So what's with her?

-She hates my guts, Flo does. The nightmare I had thit night,.

you have no idea, that horrid tongue it was all over me and into-.
..-;:' -. .. ./ .-. -
la. --p. ._ ._ '' .% .._n- r

it changed into Jake or Jock, Jock's you know what,..

-Jock's cock. Go succotash, says mom. -Wet dreams are not for

that
Jock, Jake or Joke. I make my own wet dreams. Not/I can't

hold my water. I can store it up like a camel i-;h~a des ert.

I wet my bed because I want to, I like the damp smell,mXmin:l km the

warmth '". the nights are ."... too long. Jake & Jock. It sounds

like a TV clown act, the way Aunt V mentions her two Xes in
A 'iii nQk mFr the same. .a
breath. They look tbhcairnmecrtncmey I've met them both, ~wBd- n~.-et

Er*e kkiich o ---44eta smashed/his V issij -we A v s4s-Lo rac it

for kicks, he raced through the Painted Desert and crashed into

an adobe schoolhouse. Nine little Indians killed. Ht made the

front page. The highway patrol asked for his driver's licence

Kiss dad, he said, stopping by the house on his way to Death

Valley. lie offered me his cheek, it smelled of roses He'd m~tOpp

come to horrow money from his X but she and mom were cruising the

Agean No bread, Flo said, go sell your superduper soupedup heap.

He wouldn't say goodby, he was so angry the FPev~"i took off with

a roar like a 1mlgy lion into the/4unset.

He's not my dad. ., ". 'r-t ', w ',lirvn-. Somehodvy,-ww.,h, but

nobody tells me4c Perhaps they can't. Perhaps it's like the still

birth. They can't for the life of them figure what brought it on.

They wavSidd no more mention my fatheoe than they c4o-1,u mention the 4

twins at 1.':...,---.i: --.,'.,.;.- once Jt.'s all superstiton and guess work,

never

0 no, it's god's work, said granny anny, .', ask too many qestions

the child who asks one too many will have her hand mnut grow out of

the grave. Stuff and nonsense said Aunt V listening with one
moving along
ear as she was. amlbhMjg ninrlimnn): the V of th~e s' viReen 'g pool

with a a'ihng net on a long stick to fish out the leaves that
Her coolie hat
had@ fallen into the water during the long winter. Sthl-ra1stx
was mirrored in the pool. Humbug, she said, Hanris don't grow
*wemirqxngmman am.o\ixha msN :?*:; :* r-e:r. m-i *

out of. graves Her motheq,she said swiin t;:; i the fishing net, was

full of slivovitz and Croatian salami, unable to adapt herself to

the U.S.A, 4er mother won't fly, she won't bank, she depositesr hsr

money in a sack of cracked wheat don't you believe her old

world old wives tales

I don't. Still the hand that won-t stay buried worries me.
my hand like a
I shut my eyes andxswuxiPJtm4,," there it is a sr-.'11"' v '.: naked tree

growing ou-t of a riragitcsi aiex ,'ole hill or doll's grave,
.i-nn Aunt V returned from a land buying spree in Spain I guess
Zrmiamnrdagmamnginarem i3nm2d n

she bought up half, the sun coast dirt cheap s-he brought me hack

a Spanish co ll. J. waxen head w-as,%s- it h ad', the rcet .was stiff

shaxls anm flamenco skirts glued together,. -- was not a baby doll.

I cu! off her head and tried to flush it down tAunt V3 toilet.

But it kept bobbing up. .
-'.,'-in little girls play wit? dolls, where is the fatl:,;?

me prance up the aisle and say I do to some cocksuc'iJ. ?r:
you the right kind of sucker, none wanted
mother. Only Mracouldn 't d(ig up ~hammr- other \v ': .. iY,;I I..
t e acting the
groom. Eich l !wnt.rSnt xh a lied hisp heart set on '' ...',"" bride ,

to chew the fat and ask for ire advice on irr how not to
says
invest Mom, sari~d she amiell a rat .
he saw ,eO wait
A water rat, in:ver war m et o the i~or he leookicd
on earth where
astonished, as thonogb it were tih l2st place !he e:- ct-' to

find me. But I know he only ca;]e there tW-e fnd-e Wo sat on

the rotting poles in the sun. A stiff breeze sent a shiver through

the poles in the water. I shivered, he removed his safari coat

and put it over my shoulders. I asked hin about the shbrnken heads

in his house and he stared at me as if I were out of my head.
on earth '-F '"i cc~L.; C o-. /
-Good grief! he said.-',.;re/did you gei hear Are--nonR.. ,

I said T'd heard it through a wall, but perhaps I had only

dreamed it. He looked at r;e closely without his glasses. His eyes

were sad. But he smiled. -Ah, children are born ,o eavesdrop [A;

-*fhe- s;-i d- -and in your dream you eavesdrop on yourself. I speak

from experienence hen I was a small boy T eavesdropped even in my

sleep. ~a~t-iR-x:mws Our home was on the around floor of our

hotel.by the sea, and not a night went by that I didn't,
breaking
listen in on the waves/and the newly weds renewing or\bIeaking

their marriage vows. Not a sound escaped me, I hand eve:"y

wave, every word. 0U DO I Th NOO Ai D) FOR NiVLR 'i' TI.L ,. .TII

I tried to make a poem of it, but it remained a. --ageent like

m-most human endeavors, I eavesdropped on carnal love before
distinguish between the sexes -
I had learned to t ?m nmr-Sxr,53t'Ei n'r .thnx IT sti.il do

but it was an old game between us, T'd ask -whore's my r.omn? ;and
her mom t .-.r
she'd ask back where was h-"r. if I n-miihbniE lih fund hers, she'd

,"4i-i'- ine. It. went hack and forth t'. n.. Cy while I helped her
S. fold them neat at the corner
tuck in tih sh eets. She had taught me to Xackmxrxaxri anwm;in the
nurses are taught.
wrly bhficule xa4tmxpit;' was a tratinirl nurse, hut, nit' the only

above singer J's drooping head. Come live uitn me and be :n
a or fa nc v,
the same -; .'--~:ia 't-!e::- if you prefer separate beds. Four qq.t!nf.n-
-- a day
hathrooins ., three square meals, 'he mtid sleeps in. Rng if

J's hand, ragged nails hid(ldoen, is swinmning pal.lm up in a beer puddle.

A new long life ahead of hbr. A new friend for life. A cruise.

No apendectornv. .o'll1 go to your old room around the corner and

pack your things. J has nothing to pack, But she wants to steal the

Gideon bible.

V puts on fresh lipstick, buys: another 'sit eye shot for J

and still another, each one a quickly for the slow road. home to a

new life. Rain pours on the 9fth district. The hot dog men on

14th st have fled. There's no one left in the world in the

downpour, only V & J wrapped in a plastic sheet.

I

No one. Not me. I wasn't even an idea/ then. lAunt V said their

union was hilessed with mutual trPst, they were wrapped up itirn

in their love. Mom stayed Loome, resting up from her imon

wayward drifting, sleeping it off on the roof, reading the comics
was *
or Great Elxpectation It sn the only book Io ever -..~ h r read.
and if she cried out in her drnoms
She read it in her sleep, ir e rxMi M

She wan thriving, tough she ate mostly potato chips they were
unIder in the sofa too,
alls over thb" herd anyl under ,anci!o:pln the rungs ain1 inrtihnNe-ohnjs ir, y

wvhereever you walked or sat there wis that crunch of dry autumn.r
the fallen leaves
leaves, and yes even nowv I can hear it/in mry own bed. Mom's
blue shadows
netherlook the ,-.".' the lack circles uider the oees were

at the vow hottom. There rust e other occupations than motherhood
to or -... i at home. ITous ew: 'z is out, wirnn wouldn'tt dreatii of

or if she should o-..i .of 'het ing, out of s eer boredom, Flo

would instantly qi .; Sheo threatened to quit that time when mon

happened into the, k.itchn rjnoie with an empty stare, and P;':ty

glass asking yher, the hel was she, was she on a shuttle train?

No, if didn't surprise \unt V that her angel should he bored to

extinction., llo;v could she not be bored, what with her doing
dr ink,
nothing all day except o0iut1j..dninh sleep and ead about supermouse
an old
or a dead spinster in weddin-g gown! No mature adult should

hut I never joined in that game. To me the place was granny-aunny's.
original -1oun -;o up-again, g'- ,:
The nhi farmhouse had, hean burned down, had-been-builit and struck
*p:ni'n ,-. bh lightning,
h;:~r-:.'[:H' .ng ml o r -l i before granny-anny had come down j.'r,:. her
When she arrived there was
mudhut in the Croatian mountain. 2O3xiM:tiimx:i .:,"h',:;l' nj.rj:'rly t

only rinstmnriamrn ~ema the silo I believe she is buried in it,

though Aurt V says her mother was laid to rest in the cir:..tery

next to the old folks home. ..1:.n the weeds grow high in the heat

you see the two melt into one. You'll see an old man swing in a-

swing from ,,and old tree outside the old folks home, with his

silver head flying above the roof porch and his felt sliT,;r:s above
tombstones,
the .mfnihens. Everything is old and and raand silver. You hear a

scer.ird to get out of the city, The only time we picked up speed --!s

when Aunt V passed through a red light. If mom were driving we'd-

go faster than the wind. But morn was resting and hanging her

hr--.; out the window into the wind .'
** J< W "lC .

h\e creep along bihumptPr to 0bmirper. '. make endless detours to

pick up the girls I as5k would we ever get to the country and:.
z 'Ie h.- I .
can't the tiee of us there by iurslevezs I :..:: three but I thin-

four -r' five. I-t-himn .-of 011i and granny-anny.

Aunt V frovns at a- three-way light and says, -ple:;e don't

complain to me complain to four mother, she makes the arrangement,

without the girls along you wouldn't get her out of the city, not

ovdr her dead hody.
It opened up in the back.
The car is long and black. ". l lcr;I '.ir ; i I.ri t n.. -:.-
ambulance
Mom calls it the paddy wagon. The girls call it the -:-l-.,'oThey

are in great spirits. They give the V sign and pile into the hack

with their duffle hags, crash helmets, first aid manuals and base-

ball bats, Hiya, old boy! They slap mom's back, iThh-y kiss Aunt

V and me.

They smell of sandAl wood shaving lotion. At last we will be-

heading for the hills. But instead we are heading for Brooklyn

Aunt V almost forgot to pick up Q. It is mom who has to remind
J ? // .,. 1" I : ',
her s1 rply. I don't mind Q, she is the former WAC out of the
,is
ruined i.idelherg castle. Perhaps that's why she never ready: for

us in time. Site's i" lived too regimented a life say the girls.

Mom says nothing. She stares ip to the turret in Brooklyn

Heights, the Q's face Q :. -ti: .-.:.i-- UNa=ma there pink and white,
draped with r-..'. 1...' dripping we in the peaked window.

-I won't he long. I still have to put on miy face,

The face has disa' -..re. Mol keeps staringg up to the emp-ty

window in the t. .L Y;:; : turret,

The girls pass the chewing. ,;-:. They are in great form. Th'y

exchb:nic jokes while they time Q. Not-ove-n-Q-ea-n--take--that--nig-

to-put a-f ace on-,. they all cc -cide. She must he hanging on the

phone again, talking long distir.Ue to her clergyman father in

Boonsville, Missouri, begg:;i; for his permission to spend the

weekend out of town-., ..?- -.. '. v

/ -I'm not going to wdt any longer. She is welcome to take the

bus Aunt V is releasing- the emer'gncy brake.
1 J- '../7 -
-YoM"'-I: wait, morn says, still staring up to that story book

turret of the Brooklyn castle in the clouds. But when Q comes floa-
a
ting out of the'dmtanr arched doorway in what must be hoa nightshirt

as it isxayihxtbegthmalnd long and so transparent her body shows

underneath silvers and pink morn ha:rl:y. glances--at-her-,

-You'd think she'd-have sufficient time to put .t --_lit.

some clothes on, Aunt V says to nobody. ''Thn she turns her head

to mom, rarely avoiding an uror'ing truck as she says, -I can't

get over it that anyone should have his eyes on a worthless
unless of course...
ramshackle housexn5, .c::y .i :. ::.i.. ....

Mom says,- -T':e in your lane., or we .:-l1ihave b h accident,

The sky is in her dark glasses. BehinO me Q's long hair

flaps wet in the breeze. She says she felt castrated when she had

it cut off for the WACS, She hated the arry.She only joined because

of the cultural opportunities it nlB0gmxd offered to one like herself
was spj:"--- ncd bV ..C /'
who ,r..'.: the bible belt, -I'Td--ot out of rmy. OD's and play

princess in"~ birthday suit in the many-chambered ruins of the

Schloss. That's Ger.n n for Chateanl--rc-u.,

She suddenly starts to giggle hystericnlly, The g: l.es,

bo'.:nc'r like marblc-s on ceiment t.

75

-Stoned again, says Aunt V.'

Q keeps on gi,:t.'ing while she leans over my shoulder .

Her hair. throws rain drops on me. She drops a box of Trrk.'i.sh
Oriental
Delight into my wide ]ap.On the glossy lid a beautiful fitro-ig~ lady

embraces her Ocn collie Both smile. The lady has a red poppie
of uncle G .
stuck into her black, glossy hair. I wonder why she makes me think?

for the bathroom scales. But I have hidden then emhaindrl in the woods.

I am to rake up the leaves. But I won't lift a finger, unless mom

asks me to, and of course she never asks me for anything. Sue

too won't lift a finger. Aunt V says we act like ouecn bees and that

includes Q. Aunt V thanks the go.J lord that the rest of the

girls don't shirk their duties. In fact they clamor for iannbi

activity. They work themselves into a state of near collapse for

the sheer love of it. Soar'miascles, housemaid's knees and twisted

backs don't spoil their fun. On the contrary, their aches and

pains at the end of a day gives them a sense of real achievement,
re, hea lth.

Thqy are rearing to get things done. Barely have they

arrived when thehtear off their shirts and roll up their pants
head ""
and' n .~an; across the lawn for the tirdMSKhe toolshed which used
granny, anny's (dy,
to be a privy in tl,.." :.1 .., All day th--: %"-w they're at it,

di,:-in, rmaineaering, axing, h ulin: rocks from an abandonec

rl:i-ry behelind the green hrook!; c;' They split the rocks to

pave the V-slhaped patio under a sudden windfall of far' ripe

plums, O m 'y ahin hack. They moan with pleasure. Aunt. V means'

loud enough for mo~ to hear, Blut bmon has stopped her ears.

Everyone is sore and contented. At nightfall they will drop

their tools and take brisk showers or sauna baths and give

each other ruh-dowhns with baby oil. Then supper and slow

dancing to iDEATHi & T'tiie MAIluJN.

Shoobird is Q's passion. The record is playing now as she

floats about in her diaphonous m~ihea dream gown, gathering

the fallen plums into a wire basket. They slip through the wire

mesh aA-4rqp hack onto the torn-up patio. The basket remains

empty. But she does not seem to awp"f"t Moim is sitting

on an upended barrel, drinking granny-anny's hand cider from

an old mottled jug. Her eyes are hidden behind the dark shades.,

She may he looking at Q or at nothing. -'. ,-' ....

-Do you khow your daughter is a woman lover? somebody,

maybe Olli's mother .,v- said to granny-anny as she was walking out

of the sticky mill:veedrr and into the grocery store with a

shopping,' basket. Granny-anniy hook her head, baffled. Then

she removed her hearing aid and spit onto the saw dust, still'

baffled or uncbo:;:i ;chencin,: but also alarnrd, perhl.::: because $,

empty 4/
Mom is asleep upstairs in the/bathtub behind drawn yellow

shades. The noon sun is standing a. .top the silo. Q's hair is
white and yellow strearnm of light, by a
-'.... i r ..'-'. -; .. -"'. ".'"': She is standing raw.a ladder,
wearing mom's dark shades s: she points
r1.::':.:.r.;; the silo with z'arAiA brrhimred hearts. Some hearts she pQ

leaves empty, some she pierces with arrows and initials with Qs and
Mol's shades are too big for her. When they slip down
Ts, !: '., & i ., : .-- n .';...: nkna : -., -.l iin ,;:!
them up with a shrug of the shoulder. She puts the paint on

much too thiik. The hearts drip blood. I watctr Aunt approaches

with a pair of pruning shears. Don't mess with the silo. It's the

flagpole that irods to be painted. tha Shee sounds angry. I wait

for her to a *'f4 Q's rda streaming hair wiAt -. i.- ??

SI But ~i6n he sees the initialed hearts and pats Q4-bot oi.

[ / Good girl.

I go inside and down to the cellar for privacy, iw-

anny jva_ p"- There is no privacy. The old wonan who pretends to
A
be granny- anny is counting the jam pots. Aunt V hired her to take

care of the house after they put granny-anny to rest in the silo,

and she gave her all off her old clothes to make her look liko
-/'< ": and skirts -
granny anny. But even in er- black siawls she doesn't fool Ime.

She fools the girlsQ xti:;. i : .c i.. :;-t i: they call her griiiy-.ni',
not her
I call her nothing. It's iie-who sleeps; in granny-anny's toctm
slept there.
I always have. I used to have a cot next to her bed ,anr1 tNo' I

The hearing.aid is carrying on inside my entlthe way it used to
with
C 4a1rm.!lxammgranny-a nny.ria. Aunt V had forced the gadget on her

and though granny -anyy protestedxsh:3xblar,?x that she heard more

than she cared o hear, she yet gave in and wore it to keep the

peace. They had enough argu:-nts as was, what with Aunt V's

refusal to malk'e up with one of her husbands .ike a good Christian

and raise a large family. Tranny-anny wished for dozens of grand

children. But all3 she had was me, As for her only son, bacrmac

sIiabEdxta.numxnammafinnmamr.iiham.vnl. ie lacked the drive to find him
qnjdi free meals and
self a wife. He played the accordiar for/handouts, i:- :;i-:" :',

at a Hungarian restaurant on Third. She had gone there once to eat,
She said wasn't fit
but. never again. The food they served wasr!,liit'for the pigs rrshbami !,d.
ahart'milnmt m and she
'h-::' I 2. minnrd'mua 3Ihmt( &Ui dx trnTixt ma nxhte 'mihm-{E..K *
in the first place
never would have gone there r i i. .1, if the hearing aid h;;:i't told

her to go.
heginnirg
For that gadget had from the f..n o talked with a voice of

its owvn, as if a dimiinuitive devil vere crackling and cadlirg inside

her ear, putting had thoughts into her head, spreading lies.
to test her endurahce,
Yet she. continued to use it tcehmonletruntriUi., she had it pl'u;ged-

in as we were a'i, through the nilkw-ed stalks in the morning

drizze .. A nmaon in a yellow sli.cler came j.'i ling out from behindc
i

c. /.
,and said in a crackly voice did she know that her daughter was a

woman lover. I'd heard of him he'd unzip his fly to scare the
saw it I told it to l0li,
little girls, I :L:, ., e (L.i*, ali 1: ,' lie said the ran was.
and
a pervert hammniuama lad been shot up in the war. His fadce was

hanging froin the dripping tree like a half-eaten pear. -A woman

lover, he c-&e:I
one your piece of land, ma'm,

Qranny-anny shook her head, baffled. Then 'she stamped her

foot and spit on the ground, and jci rin,; the plug out of her ear

she cursed the hearing aid in Croatian and Eglish for having b

bothered her with stupid talk just once too often. You rotten

little devil.The plague on you. We 're through. And she made as th

though she'd hurl tihe gadget into thexw~ri lavender milkwee!. But

instead she, thrust it into her black scratched-up old pnrsc.

She ditift- hold me by the hand on the way hone. Shie loct- ime

run ahead of her through the drizzle. It wvast b till an hour later

that she arrivc-.! soaking wet. Aunt V was waiting for her o: the

porch to announce that halg of the country fresh eir: had, h 3en
a ,a in
delivered broken, and the other ha.lfiw": rotten tqti. A-l

grannyanrny merely .wave her hands and sa W: gluv which is ?roatian

for deaf. r .. c..4. .

Then she" W"Oit to the kitchen to I nn;,Ai andd balk

crumbly dcl.i- u. pastry filled with three different kinds of

her home-rade jam.a She let me licdk the mixing bowl, but she

saI 'i little i f s'-" aid anything, an'id h S;he he :i into the,

Pdyn -'tninqv rncm she -;,, n '. ni, .....'-' : not- sit- dE

with us, She iani nerly w.aite on us, closeplop',thic ande for:. -' as

if she vw'er working ;::i '; as a hired maidi/G;t the Lavenders! -

She hows. She passes' the bsrad and changes the plates and pours

the winee and the water. k-mvA Aunt V uneasy. Thee knife dropf

out of her hand onto the floor and their headscollide briefly

as they booth stoop down to retrieve it. For Christ's sake,' mama

cut it out! .xunt V has blushed, -i-.,. '. li~ ~: wfrr?- Sit down,

mama. Eat, she says, pointing the knife at granny-anny's empty

seat at the head of the table. But granny-anny says ;luv and

shuffles off to the kitchen to ea.t by herself. iln.': Aunt V ta-

the knife to her glass as if she were about to make a speech, KAW

the girls pick at their food glum and oevbarrassed.
Cranny-anny
rBr It'P' the same story at dinner. S1heamrait wilt not share

the meal with us, no matter how much the girls beg hanri for her

company. And every time before entering with another hot platter

under tbh embroidered napkin she knock5.lthough the door is

standing wide open.

The drizzle had turned into pouring, rain. The girls are h vinvg
They have rolled up the Turkish
a ball to) DEiTil & THE iADEN A ,'Ni:.-orn;?nalh mkicaQnnmithxiacny,
rug in t:e living room which Aunt- V calls the fun room,
anny But gran-..

anny calls it t-. -i saloon. ,,r are having our usual game of
tonight
monopoly though she insists that we play in the kitchen. She has

shut the door and while I set up the board and Bo'tno";autr.th-n
count .ut thous-,,c's. of -dollars in tov money

hr. i:.h sin-ing !-1 s .tam.pi.ng, ih .;e bac of her long wide
is
skirt drown up over head a nd er l _egs in the long gray flaninels are

C likce a hi,; r-,; doll's et m, ra-.; rsnm. At one point she is so

close to the flams I think sh will jump int o the fire. But already'

she ha S. Hard: into the shadows, jeYex x Xm

-Come on .. young ladies!. L.,nce! u~by aren't you dancia .;1

-Stop it, ~ina iau'nt V las jumped up from the couch where she

had ea lyin,1 vith her head in iom's lap. Moi] ins h acked out.

of coIurse0,.S isn't there. -P lease m;a Stop it!

n "ut granny-a. y Inug.s ...x .st.i.,.tafb.oi.~l. and when Aunt V

coimecs, near her per hI.> p?. to grr; her arri, she reaches out and

snlap otr dw r twice acCoss the iouth with the back of her hand.
I no W dancilig
An'ld t inxc only ~ia does she stop vclmanr am3- SuTe pulls th?

skirt down and opens the; windos,to let tle smoke out, she says.,
to nohbody
The room, ha r-".-.v i.nhefmi.f, reeks like a vlwhore house.
/ ''hen as though, nt.hins out of the ordinary had oecuirelr.she

Someone has thrown white paint at the silo. The Q-T hearts are gone. Bat

one arrow remains. Q has washed her hair and stuck her head into the

rain barrel for a rain water rinse rain turning hair softer than

silk, as it is made by weeping angels, she says, man though at home she

uses a vinigar rinse or the yolk of an egg. Iam because the Brooklyn sky
is so polluted. All this she explains to T who is crouching at her feet

in the weeds like a huge warty toad. But she is gahin~/arip a gentle toad.
enamel
She gently picks up Q's little foot to paint her toe nails with silver polish -
each toe nail a miniature ikon. I'll never forget says T with a raucous

laughter, how you wrapped me up in your long hair when we had our first

gogo in BANGS' lavabo five thousand years ago. Not quite as long ago as that,

coos 0. A pidgeon flirting with a toad. She has been saving her disability
checks from the Wacs so sh4 and T may sing *hr.-.h the Arabin ri-t.-
prosperously in the guise of two queer sheiks. They'll travers the sandy

waste on a dromedary built for two and sleep in a tent, they plan to leave

next month. But next month they will still be where they are with
their wonderful plans and inx~L..: the WAC checks, and camping equipment.
Harumph. Mom is noisily clearing her throat and spitting tobacco

juice from an upstairs window where she has installed herself as in a swing.

She seems to be rocking in midair. The bathroom windoI makes an orange sail

above her head in the wind. Her dungarees are splashed with white paint.

She hugs one knee to her chest, and knocks the ashes out of her pipe, and keeps

ra2;ing the pipe bowl against the 1;.n?-i sill even as it is empty. But

Q&T don't notice her. They are tsamxrna deep in the desert sand, up

to their chins. Be sure to take extra blankets. The nights will be freezing

Harumph. Mom spits starts a new pipe and blows perfect smoke circle into

the sky. But Q can't admire them as her face is under the vet veil of her hair.

Our pilgri 3e will lead us where? she asks through the veil. I'll stain my skin

with freshly squeezed walnut juice We'll prostrate ourselves in every other

mosque we pass. You'll have your beard. But I too shall pass as a boy and the
moslems won't mind if I pray with you in the direction of Mecca.
T says she has bought a whole lotS of maps at a bargain price.

Q says her father sent her a christmas check in advance when she told him

long distance that she was going to do missionary wotk with a girl friend

in Saudi Arabia.
Mom's legs are swinging from the bathroom window while Q chants throtlu her

hair how she and T will make a team like the late Bartons, Sir Francis and

his sainted I of the Arcadian Nights.

Aunt V way up at6p a ladder, smoking out a wasp nest at the back of the
house. Nom in the bathtub, asleP ~,i the HiFi blaring Q's Death and the Nah! ,
WII days as an air raid
V is wearing th gasnask she has saved from her dax n~ i~
warden sector cocs~nnder BANGS' district.

That record, death or Mr.Bones cl .r:ig a poor little housemaid right into

her grave, I hate it, I've smashed it once, but they found a new one which is

already scratched like the old one. I flee through cluaps of scarlet dhalias

away from the house which juts out heavy and black in the back stn likes gramnn,

anny's backside when she turned it to the girls in the firelight and told

them in Croatian to kiss it.

Granny-anny kiss my fanny. I thumb my nose at Mr Bones Aunt V

in the smoke. She won't see me through the smoke she'll never know I am
not raking up the leaves the way she told me to or doing push-up for my waist

line or reading Oliver Twist. She won't know about 011i or my talking in

my head to 6garhiy-anny. I can t'do many things at. the-~P-re -time,- 1 walk away

from the house andsstay right there under the tree where granny-anny was
( A /A
mEr.ring knitting a long black shawl, always the same, shawl to cover us all.
E a Her legs were full of swollen veins, a whole geography of rivers mountains,

skin marble white amid blue waters, she showed me the spot where she was born in
t ^.' (.. s c-,
the mountain s, the forests were huge,the rocks full of wandering gypsies ,

and in this monastery-here, she said (pointing at a mosquito bite between two

valleys) there was armonastery where the monks let you drink from a well which

cured arths-tia., varicose veins and distemper.

The I c~ black shawl, smoke drifting towari- the sky as I run away, each time

for ever I think. And I stumble over the same root always and never fall, -I dis-
,S:- ,-, ,,(:L- '- -. C'
cover the birdnest that fell off artree last year, it still is there though

I had picked. it up and taken it-rith-ame to the city, still .ere it is in
the uncombed weeds./No nothing has changed,;

i/K tired little old butterfly white and yellow hanging on to a milkweed stalk.
tirgd maybe
Too tmadriam mxto fly~ off, even as Olli jumps out of the bushes to scare me, he

.does it every time, I pretend I am scared I am scared. He has been fishing

in the stream. I cans tell him by the fish.smell from a great distance. Daddy-

long legs scrrying swiftly across a tuft of moss. 011i-tread-lightly I

call him. His big toe sticks through his soiled sneakers. He leap]up against

my back and asks where shall I put the groceries, ma'm? Old joke between him

and me. He said it first when he pulled up with his father's pick-up truck
with the groceries for Aunt V. The groceries our code work in the beautiful

it standing up in the same spot ManMxt&+_.a;~ ai almost in earshot of Aunt V.

I call him daddy. Bend down, he said, quick, no time to take your underpants

off, just lean over, I'll push them aside and squeeze it in, quick or they'll
"t A ^* C '
catch us, we'll be catching he4;, no, don't lie down, stand, quick.
The first time my head was getting so dizzy I didn't know if I was coming -

or 6ogns where, I almost dropped, but I stood. My face all swollen Up the day
Aunt V asked what happened; child? &/-?d. &
after, I rma:_r23 bnd said I had-f-allen into the poison ivy. Dizzy it- went too

fast, I drowned. He said I was a real cutie.

What if Aunt V chanced by to dump some garbage in the bushes to avoid

p umtftig pollution of her swim pool, what would she do if she saw her big fat

baby do-it--like that every-day,--I.love I laugh like crazy, I feel him

and ask, tell me, do you -really- love me Olli. He tells me yeah, sure, you're
his
a real cutie. He spits on his hands, slicks down in red pompadour into an I4ish

yamoulka and says I'm really cute, -and n-y-he'd better get on his bike and back

to the store before his dad finds out.and-rai;:e .hcl.
Always on the run, my Olli. I hold my belly in my arms. I cradle my

warm belly and say, Olli, Olli, what if I'm going to have a baby?
What? 'WiJA? He wipes his hand against the shiny seat of his pants and

stares at me. Mouth hanging open. Hakes him look stupid. WIAT?
A cuddly fuzzly olli baby bear in the forgets far away. I have three -ishes.

I 'd like a baby. I hug myself and rock myself on the foam rubber rock. I want.

You off the rocker orzsomething?$But he sounds z scared, sy,;.
L -l i / ---- -" '-
'I must be kidding, the_two of us' just-kids. He kicks a bloody ketchup bottle,
breaks its neck, he flushe redder than red down his red windpipe and sayd,

Gee B, I mean, like I mean,like I say I mean you're not taking chances are you I
mean ge*oe.66 fc6 j(> fl l-
C)F- '
a i^ >ft */ **-

Poor lover Olli squil-rin', worming, stammer stumbling, purple throat

bloated fuzz of almost man- beard standing on end. Like I mean like I say now

doing it like you know what all this without you taking whatever girls take, you're

not going *o do that to me, mAN, fuck you, we've been doing it like that, maybe
l .. ,e 1 iS.
you been doing it with other boys, how do-I know.. 4 /
t. ..'..< ,<
He wants to go for his bike, poor Olli, I'm dreaming of a big wedding cake

and mom's old wedding gown she never wore, Uncle G my best man, also the bride,

groom,. no lli in the picture, and'By wedding bouquet is made of hte-and

herself to be inferior. Didn't have the guts to me normal like the rest of us

ge "a.fellows, She moral of the story: Always be true to your own self.

-The moral of the story, says mon, her head abaik appearing suddenly from
the in the borough of Queens.
under the poncho, stay away from 4ubway toilets oSmas~s.

What's become of Q? She too lost underground like U2 Or are the two letters

one person?

Aunt V has lost a good typist. None typed as fast as U. They ask what

has become of U since the accident, and have there been other similar accidents mAV

since? But nobody asks about her Irish lover. For all they know he might

be still in her bed, waiting fro her to come out of the nightmare and back

into his red arms. Nobody asks me about my iS&b Irish lover He never was in my

bed. Shall I tell them about hin -now?

I say OLLI and now the grandfather clock starts coughing, the

pendulum swings faster back and forth, Aunt V cries, don't tell me the child
is still up, but I am still down on the rug. Girls my age need 8 hour? sleep.

I'm still growing in all directions and why haven't I gone to bed? The rats are dancing
along the waterfront
a jig in the cellar where Q is screaming LET ME OUT for Aunt V, organized tnmmif

mity but often absentminded in the hills, has locked the cellar door from the outside.

Where, where on god's green earth, she cried did I put the key?
Everybody helps with the search, yes even mom, she & rummages through
the woodpile, the trashcan, piles of last years Sunday Times, still rolled up
NJ
as they were delivered, she passes amobat through the cellar window to calm down
Q while the hunt continues, aa.tiiT-Ij_ xz.rmed : ,= -arad-J T stomping about

meanwhile with an axe. and an eye on the wristwatch. If the key doesn't turn up

within ten minutes she will use the axe on the door.
Good night good night I say to all and undry I've smado a duc~y from
old rags and things with a face like my own like a dumpling. I put it to sleep

in granny-anny's bed. If I weighed less, I'd risk sliding down the rainpipe

for my date in the underbrush. But I take the backstairs, safer, and no one will
see me or miss me, that I know, for they are busy with their nightLly rihtni'e

drama. I and the dummy, we're safe. Mom wor'n-d c`ft' to my room to kiss the

dummy goodnight.

No I will never go the country with them again. They're welcome to

take my dummy instead she's lost the seven pounds I gained, I weighed us both.

I'm finished with the hills. Goodbye granny-anny, you've danced your last jig by the

fire, and Olli you won't know with whom you do it, with me or the dummy, I don't believe

you even 1 looked me in the face once.You never show your face when you come to the

city to baby sit for your married sister, her baby. I baby sit with my transistor

baby. The rain is raking waves around the moon.
Sound waves. The latest lunar bulletin. We're out of oxygen. The flag can't
I
breathe. I breathe. listen inside me. But from the fighting room below not a ripple

of sound Mhm speechless after her most recent flight and capture. Her face a silent
disembodied moon. c 9
meoaonhmxB: sxnmboa -j u My swollen belly is.atwhite moon in-the-night. I tun my palm
across it in gentle circles. Behind me three bloodless month. I've been checking off the

days on the wall calendar the way Aunt V did when mon was missing from the house mgai~