Thursday, March 10, 2011

Just last week, Encyclophobaticsburg engineers unveiled an enormous new laboratory, called Encyclophobaticsburg Labs, which is an underground facility that has great new equipment and several devices. Since I am a Secret Agent, I have all-clear access to the whole place so that I can do tests and experiments, so I was recently touring the building. This is what happened on my tour:

First, I went and saw the Chemical Department, where there are several enormous rooms filled with all sorts of test tubes, glass pipes, beakers, and a bunch of very complex-looking things. I poked around for a few minutes and found nothing that I understood, so I went into the elevator and pushed a button at random. That is, I tried, but I found that there were no buttons.

The Encyclophobaticsburg Labs have very advanced Elevator systems that go in a large variety of directions (including up, down, left, right, backward, forward, diagonally, upside down, and 32.6 degrees from no point in particular). Anyway, I walked in and realized this fact from a small plaque that told about the Elevator. The plaque also said that, instead of boring buttons, these elevators were equipped with "Realistic Voice Personality Software" that talks and interacts with the user to get a better feel for the floor they want to go to. With some foreboding, I said tentatively: "Hello?"

Instantly the elevator started to whir, and I heard a voice say "Hello there valued user, which floor or room would you like to go to today?" At which I responded "Just take me to the most interesting place."

What followed was a very lengthy discussion in which the elevator asked me to define interesting, then define each word of my definition, and so on, under the pretense of discovering "my personal preferences to a more specific degree." I tried to get out of the stupid thing and go find some stairs, but it had to establish my preferences first in order to determine the method in which I wanted to get out (such as the speed at which to open the doors, the number of millimeters above the floor level I wanted, what music should be playing, and so forth) , so I spent the subsequent hour and a half arguing with the thing, until it finally decided to take me to room #4201 and promptly set off at a pace that was arguably half as fast as walking. I asked it why it was going so slow and it told me that this was all for my comfort, because it had established that I would get mad if it jolted me too much. My response to this was to kick its speaker panel until it lay broken and dying on the floor, and after a few minutes of playing around with the complex wiring behind it I managed to make the elevator move at normal speed to my destination.

I finally arrived and discovered that I was standing in a somewhat large room with several thick windows looking in on an enormous tube that seemed to be embedded in the side. There was also a door and some various lab tables with computers and cabinets, but the door just invited me to open it, and so I did. Using my all-access pass, I shoved my way inside and discovered an amazing spectacle.

There was a huge tube with enormous turbine systems that looked like it could generate enormous winds, as well as some stands that seemed to be used for supporting whatever was being tested. The label on the door had said "Wind Tunnel" so I assumed this was a wind tunnel.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The country of Encyclophobaticsburg is very small and consists of only one city, Encyclophobaticsburg (or alternatively Encyclophobaticsville), as well as a region of many fruit orchards and a small mountain range where Yodelberries grow. The entire country's government offices are in the center of the city, and there is one remarkable department that I will tell you about today. It is called the Encyclophobaticsburg Department Of Science and Technology

In the EDOST, there are approximately 60 people employed. Their job is to develop new concepts and ideas to benefit Encyclophobaticsburg, such as new slingshots for the Military or new streetlights for the roads at night. They also collaborate with Encyclophobaticsburg's two universities to work on scientific research.

Most of the time spent at the EDOST is used to develop new ways to research things. Their offices have some of the fastest and most advanced computers ever seen in the world, and indeed, 4 of their 15 floors of the Encyclophobaticsburg capital building (Which has 111 stories) are taken up with enormous super-computer equipment. They spend all of their time upgrading their equipment, with the logic that by making better tools, they can make a better product.

Unfortunately, they never actually develop anything, which is why the military's technology is so out-dated. They use their super-computers to crunch the numbers necessary to build even bigger super-computers, and the entire department is extremely technologically advanced, with some of the world's best equipment. However, they only use it to upgrade itself, which should be a logical fallacy but that never stops them.

Whenever a citizen learns of this department, they (assuming they 1. are in their right mind & 2. have enough common sense to think about it) will often try to start a letter-writing campaign or other movement of similar style, which usually ends up with an "angry mob" of about 4-5 people storming up the the Department entrance. Then they are escorted to the Department of Law Enforcement where they sit in a conference room with a few moody photographs of unsuspecting still life in it and told to wait for a few minutes while an Encyclophobaticsburg Department Of Science and Technology representative comes to get them. A couple hours and about 5 angry phone calls to the front desk demanding to know where in the world the representative was and replies about him arriving shortly, later, the representative would enter and promptly give a long presentation on the room's projector about the market goals of the EDOST. The few members who are still awake at this point would then angrily demand that the market goals can fall down a well for all they are concerned, and that his department starts working on Encyclophobaticsburg's problems. The representative would then tell them that making better tools leads to a better product, shove a stack of pamphlets in their faces and then leave. A few days after this incident would happen, the citizen in question would suddenly find an extravagantly expensive plane ticket charged to their credit card, and at least four mix-ups in their governmental records, usually changing their full legal name to Joe Windmill Sumpter.

While the apparent relation between these last two phenomenons and the EDOST customer service office are yet to be explained, it is clear that the EDOST will probably not contribute to Encyclophobaticsburg any time soon. Therefore, I will have to take it into my own hands to apply my secret agent gadgets to the entire task force that I am directing, so I will need to hire a sidekick of some sort... I already have a few candidates picked out.

Sorry, I need to go, because I hear some construction crews trying to seal my front door with concrete and demanding large sums of money.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Recently, my home town of Encyclophobaticsburg has started to fortify its barriers. Since the city is not very organized and the style of buildings can change drastically every block or two, this is not an easy job. The government is also out of workers because the Encyclophobaticsburg Fruit Shop, being richer than the government itself, keeps luring them to work as cashiers because of the better pay. Consequently, there are only 12 workers trying to build a wall around an entire city. I believe the latest report is that it is 0.04% done.

You may be wondering why the government wants to build fortifications around Encyclophobaticsburg. Now, remember that Encyclophobaticsburg is situated on a peninsula that juts out into the ocean, and all of the land leading up to it is owned by the Fruit Shop, which is where they grow most of their produce.

The other day, a firework was launched into the city limits and hit the main Encyclohobaticsburg plaza, which is the center of the city. It exploded and caused the plaza to be blackened in the middle, and 4 goats that were walking by to run away (thus causing 2/3 of the local Encyclophobaticsburg Goat Pasture's income to vanish. As you may have surmised, the local Encyclophobaticsburg Goat Pasture isn't a very large operation, but they are planning to double the size of their headquarters by adding 10 square feet soon). Anyway, the firework had a note (on fireproof paper, of course) attached to it, that said:

"We are planning to attack your town in six months. Please don't tell."

So of course, every citizen of Encyclophobaticsburg who read it didn't tell any others, but then the mayor, who read the message and was frustrated by the lack of communication it caused, cut the end of the message off and everyone could start discussing it.

Anyway, this firework-message has caused most of the city to start building fortifications, and we hope to have a full defensive front in 6 months.

Also, the government has been upgrading the army. Since Encyclophobaticsburg has been peaceful ever since it was founded, the army has been a little lax, and currently consists of 1 insane old man who never speaks except to inanimate objects, a caterpillar, the army commander, and 4 people who signed up on accident and haven't realized that they are part of it yet. The newest army outfit design is a metal bucket for a helmet and a slingshot, so we need to make a few advancements in six months.

I have been asked by the government to investigate the source of the firework and head the new Encyclophobaticsburg intelligence agency. Between recruiting new recruits, filing paperwork, and field missions, I might not be able to post much.

Right now I need to convert two rooms of my HQ into paper-filing rooms, so I must go.