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Man Digs Up Woman For Sex

His attorney explains that he's simply a shy virgin who's into fairy tales.

It's not easy being a 23-year-old virgin. Especially when you're a shy man who is into fairy tales. So explains Nicholas Grunke's defense attorney, Suzanne Edwards. You see, Grunke has been accused of trying to dig up the body of a dead woman in order to have sex with her. Virginity, Prostitution & The Long Arm Of The Law

More specifically, he is charged with attempted third-degree sexual assault, attempted criminal damage to a cemetery and attempted misdemeanor theft, according to the Chicago Tribune. Is Your Relationship Dead?

His attorney, however, says that there's been a huge misunderstanding. Grunke, as she explains it, was just a shy virgin who longed for a girlfriend. When a 20-year-old woman in his area (Lancaster, Wisconsin) died in a motorcycle accident in 2006, he decided she'd be the perfect person with whom to "set up a fairy tale scenario" by "posing with her" (the Chicago Tribune's terminology, not ours) in a "non-sexual way."

But prosecutor Tony Pozoski believes there was a lot more to Grunke's plan than mere posing. He argues that Grunke, his twin brother Alexander and their friend Dustin Radke planned on "sexually assaulting" the dead body together. The proof? A van found near the scene with shovels, a wrecking bar and a box of condoms. Condomizing Your Sex

Whether Grunke is found guilty of the charges is still to be determined.

In the meantime, we are left with many questions, including: Why aren't Grunke's brother and friend also facing criminal charges? How does a sexual assault charge work when the "victim" is an inanimate object/dead? What kind of fairy tales involve rolling around naked with dead bodies? And finally, shouldn't Grunke be commended for at least trying to practice safe sex under the circumstances?

1. Using Frozen Goods For Hot Foreplay

1. Using Frozen Goods For Hot Foreplay

Yes, it was admittedly super hot when Christian Grey spooned ice cream over Ana Steele’s body (we won’t spoil how he cleaned it up for you), but lets be real: there are a lot of issues with using actual ice cream in bed: It's sticky, certain flavors can be abrasive (we're looking at you, mint chocolate chip), your sheets can get stained, and eating ice cream is basically a race against time because what happens when it melts?!

Try this instead: How about using a good ol’ fashioned ice cube instead? Less mess (and zero calories!) with the same chilly sensation. If you’re not into that, grab a bottle of Trojan Arouses & Intensifies Lubricant for your foreplay fun. You get all the good stuff without the freezing cold, stickiness or risk of diabetic shock.

2. Letting Your Partner Shave You “Down There”

2. Letting Your Partner Shave You “Down There”

Unless your partner is a professional waxer (and if so, we’re jealous), most of us would rather avoid nicks, cuts, potential infections, itchy regrowth, stubble, and painful ingrown hairs. Hide the razors, ladies!

Try this instead: If you’re into trying a new grooming technique “down there” to surprise him, opt for a wax at a professional salon. And if he wants to play the “dominant” role (and control the look of your pubic hair), he can spring for the wax himself. And in exchange, he can get to work extra hard on your pleasure by picking up the Trojan Vibrating Hot Spot Ring, a powerful vibrating ring that touches just the right spot during sex.

3. Using (Gulp) Nipple Clamps

3. Using (Gulp) Nipple Clamps

Let’s be honest: Nipple clamps are terrifying. Period.

Try this instead: Avoid going straight to the heavy hardware, and try pinching with your hands. If it hurts and you hate it, at least you won’t need a screwdriver to undo any damage. Pro tip: Be sure to include a safeword anyway just in case the pinching you enjoy feels like torture to your partner. (And, uh, good safewords for beginners include "no" and "stop.")

4. Corporal Punishment With a Ruler

4. Corporal Punishment With a Ruler

Depending on how soft your particular generation is and where you went to school, you may or may not remember being slapped with a ruler when you disobeyed in the classroom. Let’s just say, rulers are sharp they leave marks on your skin. Plus: OUCH.

Try this instead: If you need extra sensation or want to play the part of a naughty girl, try something with softer edges and fewer disturbing potential memories attached to it: A hand, a ping-pong paddle, anything else.

5. Pool Table Sex

5. Pool Table Sex

Felt isn't the most skin-friendly fabric, especially when it's covered in chalk marks. Also, getting up there when you're short? Not easy. Also, who has a pool table in their home? There’s not a lot of privacy at the local sports bar, we’re guessing, so … nope.

Try this instead: If you're looking for fun with balls and pockets (wink!) surely there's a spot in your apartment that hasn't been christened yet: a coffee table, the floor, or the shower. Switching up locations, even in the privacy of your own home, adds just that right touch of excitement (without the felt burns).

6. Lathering Baby Oil Everywhere

6. Lathering Baby Oil Everywhere

Even though Ana and Christian love them some baby oil, it's actually not the best personal lubricant if you're trying to prevent pregnancy and STDs: Oil can degrade latex, which makes it a bad choice to use with condoms. Spoiler alert: Perhaps that explains the Grey baby? Just sayin’.

Try this instead: Use an actual lubricant, like Trojan Tonight, which features two products in one - the “Pre-Game” lube can be used for the sensual massaging to get you revved up for the big act, while the “Game Time” lube can make sex comfortable (and safe) for everyone involved.

7. Sex In A Public Parking Lot

7. Sex In A Public Parking Lot

After a frantic car chase, Christian and Ana have sex in a parking lot. Newsflash: Many parking facilities have surveillance cameras, which means you could potentially provide free porn to a rent-a-cop somewhere or (yikes!) wind up on YouTube. Additionally, actual cops can arrest you for things like trespassing or public nudity.

Try this instead: If you want to get naked with your partner, and feel like you're risking your squeaky-clean criminal record, purchase a pair of handcuffs and go to town in private.

Yes, it was admittedly super hot when Christian Grey spooned ice cream over Ana Steele’s body (we won’t spoil how he cleaned it up for you), but lets be real: there are a lot of issues with using actual ice cream in bed: It's sticky, certain flavors can be abrasive (we're looking at you, mint chocolate chip), your sheets can get stained, and eating ice cream is basically a race against time because what happens when it melts?!

Try this instead: How about using a good ol’ fashioned ice cube instead? Less mess (and zero calories!) with the same chilly sensation. If you’re not into that, grab a bottle of Trojan Arouses & Intensifies Lubricant for your foreplay fun. You get all the good stuff without the freezing cold, stickiness or risk of diabetic shock.