The Black Sheep

6 Ways to Spot a UIowa Kid from the Chicago Suburbs

According to a recent study done at Brothers on Mug Club Thursday, 99.8% of UIowa students are from the suburbs of the only city in Illinois with a building higher than 11 feet: Chicago. Here are some ways you can spot a Lake Forest, Oak Park, or Buffalo Grove resident from a Chicago foot-long away:

6.) They never considered going to UIUC:Rod Blagojevich R.I.P! Because of this ex-governors scheming ways, the University of Illinois’ tuition is higher than the sales tax at a Michigan Avenue Urban Outfitters! Any Hawkeye who grew up in one of the Chi ‘burbs knew that being a fighting Illini and succumbing to their own state debts was, as Obama once said in a speech, “unacceptable”. Flee up north, Chicagoans! I-O-W-A!

5.) They wont shut the fuck up about PORTILLO’S!:The first thing that anybody from the Chicago suburbs will say to you when they see you on the street is “Hello.” The SECOND thing they’ll say is, “LOL do you like your Italian beef wet or dry?!” Students from those Illinois burbs never quite get used to IC cuisine, so don’t expect to see them eating anything but freeze-dried Portillo’s chocolate cake and horseradish. Together.

4.) They coyly say, “I’m from Illinois.”:To Chicago suburbanites, the Chicago suburbs amazingly stretch all the way through the state of Illinois! Maybe you live four blocks from the Willis–excuse us, **the Sears** tower. Maybe you’re three hours away from city limits, near Missouri. Either way, congratulations! You live in the Chicago suburbs!

3.) Constant talk of cornmeal crust:Whatever you do, do NOT take anyone from the Chicago suburbs to a pizza place. These self-proclaimed aficionados of pizza will speak of nothing but cornmeal crust and freshly sliced mozzarella from the comforts of their Hinsdale, Illinois Pizza Hut. Damn you, deep dish pizza.

2.) Incredible and terrifying road rage:One thing Chicago suburbia knows about is traffic. Other than naming all the streets in between North and South Kedzie, you can always spot a Chicagoan-in–the-IC because they’ll constantly try to solicit you for a toll. Or slam on their horn until you start driving at least 10 m.p.h. above the speed limit.

1.) Ketchup-phobia:To a college student from the Chicago suburbs, ketchup is Satan’s sauce. You can always spot a Chicago-suburbian with the simple test of putting ketchup on an all beef frank. If the person is a true Chicago South-sider, they will begin screaming until spontaneously combusting…after all, that is what happened to de-famed Illinois ex-governor, Rod Blagojevich.

What can we say: Iowa City is a home away from home for millions, if not billions of annoying Chicago suburb kids. Hawkeyes that hailed from the Chicago suburbs are easy to spot: just mention the words Duncan Keith and watch them come running, waving the W and all.