How to love more than one person without cheating on anyone

by Ilaria Lonigro - 2015.07.24

“Polyamory represents the most advanced point of developed societies.” The economist Jacques Attali, former adviser to two French presidents, François Mitterrand and Nicolas Sarkozy, is convinced of it.

But is it possible to love multiple partners without betraying anyone? Yes. You just have to get rid of exclusivity and monogamy, with total transparency and without hypocrisy. This is the basic concept of polyamory. Not to be confused either with polygamy, because it doesn't necessarily entail marriage, nor with open couples, because you can be polyamorous if you're single.

The degree of transparency and privacy is decided together in polyamorous relationships. You can share all your most intimate information or set a limit. That's why “polyamory is also called ethical non-monogamy or responsible non-monogamy,” says Jade Jossen, who lived between Bologna and California, where she teaches courses on the subject. She explains: “Of course jealousy exists. I get very jealous. But it's something you have to work on to feel more confident.”

Many people discover they are polyamorous after the failure of a monogamous relationship. This was the case for Leunar Ramirez Diosdado, a Mexican designer who has lived in Milan for seven years: “Before, my relationships had problems and weren't going that well. My girlfriends expected me to be there constantly for them; they wanted me to devote a lot of time and a lot of myself to them, which I couldn't do. And because I'm not jealous, they thought I didn't really love them. I found the word 'polyamory' on the Internet. It's what I was looking for.”

Silvia Fini, aged 30, who lives and studies in Bologna, also discovered she is polyamorous after some disappointments. “I discovered polyamory at the age of 27, online by chance, thanks to a person who told me about it. For me it was a great discovery. For years, my relationships didn't work. Especially because, as a bisexual, I felt that falling in love with one person meant I had to automatically shut off a whole part of me. This is what I was told and I believed it. I didn't think there were other ways, until finally I spoke to people who have shown me other types of relationships,” she concludes.

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