I personally don't agree with all the contegration on the college campuses. Or them ecology nuts, who only see disaster in this great country of ours. But like "Duke" Wayne would say, "We came off the mat before when the going was tough." And I know that, so long as we all work together, this nation under God shall not diminish from the earth.

Anyway, my regards to your vice, Mr. Agnew. And special regards to Mrs. Nixon, and Tricia, who I know you wouldn't let drink no water, exceptin' the best.

(Archie finds out that his job has been spared)Archie: What do you mean, 'Congratulations.' You don't have to congratulate me for nothing. See, there's nothing happening to me, you'd think I'm Lazarus rising from the bed.

Mike: The most casual acquaintances kiss today.Edith: They do it all the time on TV. Like Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson.Archie: Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson don't kiss each other!Edith: That's right. They're on different channels... It's Jerry Lewis that kisses Johnny Carson.Archie: Will you stifle yourself?Edith: I don't know who Merv Griffin kisses.

Lionel: ... I've been thinking about jogging for months.Archie: Well, you don't have to drag (Mike) along, you can do that by yourself.Lionel: Well, let me ask you a question, Mr. Bunker. Now, if you were walking down the street at seven o'clock in the morning, and you saw this black guy, all by himself, running through this neighborhood, what would you think?Archie: I see what you mean there, Lionel.Lionel: Yeah, I figured you would.

(Gloria has been posing for three weeks, concerning Archie)Archie: C'mon, give me your opinion, straight from the dingbat.Edith: Well, I think you should mind your own business.Archie: Who asked you?

Archie: ... Dragging me off to a moving picture like that, it was absolutely disgusting!Edith: Well, I'm sorry, Archie. How was I to know? I thought it was a religious picture: "Cardinal Knowledge."

Mike: We are talking about my wife and my best friend. And yes, I do trust them!... You see, there's your difference between your generations right there, Archie. You've been spending the last 30 years checking under every bed for a Communist and going around thinking you're better and holier than they are with your stinkin' Puritan ethic, and what have you got to show for it?Archie: A wife who's home at ten o'clock.Mike: Sure, and the fear and the mistrust of the whole rest of the world! Well, you can live with that fear, Archie, and you can live with that mistrust. I don't want to have any part of it, do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want any part of it!(Mike is now on the telephone)Mike: Szabo, what the hell are you doing with my wife?!

Archie: I'm telling you, Edith, we're living in a jungle. That's what, a jungle. But you know what I got?Mike: Malaria.

Archie: When it comes to defense, democracy's gonna have to wait.

Archie: I ain't no bigot. I'm the first guy to say, "It ain't your fault that youse are colored."

(after the robbers laugh about their past)Edith: I don't know how you can laugh through all that misery.Coke: Practice, lady. Practice.

Coke: What do we have here? Cash!Edith: You can't have it!Coke: I beg your pardon? Who's the crook here?

Edith's Song:Everyone is someone, if you love themLove can make a hero from a chumpLove can make a useless man seem usefulLove can grow a flower from a dumpIf you dare to reach out to a strangerYou may find you've found a friend indeed'Cause everyone is someone if you love them'Cause love is something everybody needs.

Archie: all I've been hearing about is cling peaches, which is comin' out of my ears! Now don't say them two words no more! Now, how did you hit a car?Edith: Well, that's where the... mmm-MMMM-mmm came in... You told me never to say them two words. (Continuing) You see, I was coming out of the supermarket with my basket full of mmm-MMMM-mmm. And there was Mrs. Duncan with her new baby. I took a peek in the carriage, but I couldn't see the baby too well, he was all...Archie: Will you get on with the story?Edith: Well, I knew I had to say something nice about the baby, so I went "Oh! Isn't that a beautiful baby!" And when I went "Oh!", the shopping basket got away from me, rolled down the hill and smashed into this parked car and scratched the fender. And then, this can of mmm-MMMM-mmm... in heavy syrup... jumped out and made a big dent in the hood!(pause)Edith: It was a freak accident!

Archie: This house is constructed way better than most of the new ones you see around today.Mike: So are the pyramids, but who'd want to live there?Archie: You would if they let you in for nothing.

(The realtor, Chester Byrd, is black)Archie: (from the kitchen) Would you like a nice soft drink, Mr. Byrd, or would you prefer something hard?Mr. Byrd: Soft would be fine.Mike: Pour yourself a hard one, Arch.

Mike: Oh, I've decided it's too tough for me, Gloria. I'm going to quit college and get a job.Gloria: Oh Michael, don't be childish.Archie: Let him be childish!

(Archie has been in the bathroom over 20 minutes)Edith: Archie! When are ya coming out?Archie: Why, ya selling the house?Edith: You've been in there for 20 minutes.Archie: Who are you, the official timekeeper?Edith: What are you doing in there anyway?Archie: I'm changing the tile! One more word out of ya and I ain't never coming out!

Archie: I'm going down to Kelcy's saloon... where the only problem is closing time!

(Archie tries to help Mike with his problem)Archie: This is what you gotta do. Before you go to sleep at night, sit down and say to yourself, "Is there anything else that I forgot to do?" You could even write yourself a little note... All I'm saying is, before you go to bed, look around, see what's there... read your note!

(Archie laments having to choose a co-worker to dismiss)Archie: It's because of this depression, or recession, or whatever they're calling it.Mike: Nixon calls it a recent upswing in the economic picture.

Archie: So tonight on the Walter Cronkite news, guess who youse is going to see there. Just think of somebody you all know and love.Edith: Marcus Welby!Archie: Oh geez, when are they gonna come out with a pill for dingbat.

Archie: I told that CBS guy, I said, 'Listen, there's millions of guys like me in the country that really believe in President Nixon. God believes in him, too.'Mike: You said that on television? God believes in Nixon?Archie: Certainly. Billy Graham plays golf with him, don't he?Mike: What does that mean?Archie: That means God believes in Nixon.Mike: Wait a second, Archie. Are you saying that Nixon rules because of divine right?Archie: It's a damn sight better than your divine left.

Archie: Next time you want to time something, Edith, just let the sand run out of your head.

Maude: Did you hear me? I said breakfast was on the table.Archie: I heard ya. So did every moose up in Canada!

Archie: Wait a minute... custard for them, what the hell do you call this?Maude: It's my own invention: Cream Of Wheat with cheese... It's light, but it binds.Archie: It looks like something I ate and lost.

Archie: You're in my chair, Maude!Maude: So?Archie: I wanna sit in my chair!Maude: Oh?Archie: Ya gonna get out of that chair?Maude: NO!

Archie: This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt!Maude: You're fat.

Edith: Archie's got a lot of sentiment. You just gotta know where to look for it.

Archie: Why don't you tell them (the Puerto Rican couple) about it? You speak their lingo, don't ya?Hubert: What makes you think I speak their lingo?Archie: Well, figured you learned some of it living up in Harlem.Hubert: What makes you think I live in Harlem?Archie: You look it.Hubert: What makes you think?

Mike: You know, it never occurred to me before. Mickey Mouse is black.Archie: Aw, get outta here. Mickey Mouse ain't got no race. He stands for all men.Mike: That's why Walt (Disney) made him a mouse.

Gloria: Ma, have you been more forgetful lately?Edith: Forgetful? I don't know, let me think.Gloria: Ma?Edith: Gloria, what did you just ask me?

Gloria: Nowadays, with simple hormone treatment, there are no unpleasant manifestations.Edith: Well, my Aunt Elizabeth went through this, and she didn't get manifestations... she got a mustache!

(showing Edith a Disney World brochure)Archie: Look at this, an all-bear band.Edith: A naked band at Disney World?

Archie: Well, menopause is a tough time to be going through, especially for nervous types. So he prescribed these here pills.Mike: Oh, good.Archie: I gotta take three of them a day.

Archie: Oh, she's all right, but for the next couple weeks, but you can't expect to see the regular dingbat flying around here. Till these here pills take effect, you're gonna be looking at super dingbat.

Archie: Edith... If you're going to have the change of life, you've got to do it right now! I'm giving ya just 30 seconds; now c'mon, change!Edith: Can I finish my soup first?

Edith: Why are you asking me so many questions? So there's a little boy in the room. Is there anything wrong with having a little boy in the room? Is there a law against having a little boy in the room? It's nice having a little boy in the room. And if you want me to answer any more questions, don't ask me!

Edith: Oh, Archie, you're home.Archie: No, Edith, I'm still at work. What you see standing here is merely a pigment of your imagination.

Gloria: We have some more talking to do.Mike: More talking? Gloria, it's 5:30 in the morning. You've said everything there is to say... twice.Gloria: You miserable creep.Mike: You said that three times.

Archie: Just a minute, I'll tell them.Mike: Well, you better tell the truth.Archie: Forget the truth, listen to me!

Mike: (to Gloria) Will you stay out of this, please?Archie: Hold it! She's making sense. And a husband ought to listen to his wife.Edith: Archie—Archie: Dry up!

Archie: Them Sicilians are famous for two things: Spaghetti and revenge.

Mr. Vechino: (to Edith) A person like your Archie makes you feel real good to belong to the human race.Mike: Yeah, maybe one of these days, we'll get him to join it.

Mr. Vechino: (referring to God) He sees everything! He knows everything we do!Archie: Get outta here, you don't really believe that.Mr. Vechino: Yes, I do!Archie: Then how come youse people are always running to confession, telling Him what's happening?Mr. Vechino: Now we're getting the truth! It's because I'm catholic that you ain't helping me!Archie: That ain't the truth. I'd say the same thing even if you belonged to the right church!

(Jefferson Cleaners has just ruined Edith's new mink cape)Archie: What do they know about fur?Mike: That's right, Arch. All we taught them was how to work with cotton.

(talking about Russ' plumbing business)Russ DeKuiper: I built that business up myself!Archie: ...And (Amelia's) brother on the Board of Education. He gave you the concessions for a whole school district there. Six hundred terlits! Boy, talk about falling into a royal flush!

(The family is trying to guess who rode Archie's cab)Edith: Let's try, I'll go first... Living or dead?Archie: I was driving a cab, Edith, not a hearse. Go back to your Solitaire, huh.Gloria: Give us a hint. Is he is show business?Archie: Bingo. I'll give you another hint. Bongo, bongo, bongo.Mike: Well, he's either Desi Arnaz, or knowing you, he's probably black.Archie: Right. Black as the ace of spades. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, this guy IS the ace of spades.Edith: For goodness sakes. Archie, you just said ace of spades and I turned up the ace of spades. You see that in the movies and you say that wouldn't happen in real life, but here we are in real life and it happened.Archie: We're in real life over here, Edith, would you care to join us?Gloria: Was it Flip Wilson?Archie: No, no, no, no.Mike: Belafonte?Archie: No, I said black, Meathead. Harvey Belafonte ain't black. He's just a good looking white guy dipped in carmel (sic).

Mike: What's the difference between our neighbor Lionel Jefferson and Sammy Davis Jr.?Archie: Ten million dollars and five purple Cadillacs!

Edith: (to Sammy) I'm so excited, but then you can't imagine because you've never had to meet yourself!

Archie: Now, Mr. Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye?

Archie: Can you maybe give us a little preview of one of the songs you're gonna do?Gloria: Oh, daddy. Mr. Davis makes his living entertaining. You're asking him to go to work.Mike: Yeah, Arch. How'd you like to be a guest in somebody's house, and they say, "C'mon Arch, do some packing and lifting for us"?

Archie: I think that if God had meant us to be together, He'd have put us together. But look what He done. He put you over in Africa, and He put the rest of us in all the white countries.Sammy Davis Jr.: Well, you must have told him where we were, 'cause somebody came and got us.

Gloria: I'm sorry Mr. Davis. Sometimes my father says the wrong things. Sammy: Yes, I've noticed that.Lionel: But he's not a bad guy. I mean, he'd never burn a cross on your lawn. Sammy: Yeah, but if he saw one burning he's liable to toast a marshmallow on it!

Sammy: (to Archie) If you were prejudiced you would, like some people, close their eyes to what's going on in this great country that we live in. But not you, Archie, your eyes are wide open. You can tell the difference between black and white.

Sammy: (to Archie) And if you were prejudiced, you'd walk around thinking you're better than anybody else in the world. But I can honestly say, having spent these marvelous moments with you... You ain't better than anybody.Archie: Can I have your hand on that, Sammy?

(after Sammy kisses Archie)Archie: Well... What the hell, he said it was in his contract!

(Edith is sorting through laundry ruined at the coin laundromat)Edith: Look at this! You must have forgot to separate the coloreds from the whites.Mike: (incredulous) Archie? Forget to separate the coloreds from the whites?

Mike: (turning off TV) C'mon, I'll turn it on as soon as soon as you give me the first few lines of the National Anthem!Archie: Oh say, can you see by the dawn's early light... what so proudly we hail, of thee I sing.

Gloria: Your Honor, as the bailiff's wife, I object to this kind of language.Mike: That's right, and I suggest that Mr. Bunker be held in contempt of court!Archie: Until you start paying rent around here, you're in contempt of house!

Gloria: How come you married Daddy instead of (Freddie Witthauser)?Edith: Well, I liked being called a "Goddess of Beauty", but somehow it seemed more permanent when your father called me a dingbat.

Archie: When I come home from work, and I say "What's new, Edith?", I want her to tell me what's new, even if it is twenty-five years old!

(regarding the Witthauser incident)Archie: You're going to have to ask me to forgive ya.Edith: All right. Forgive me?Archie: Then you admit it, huh?Edith: There's nothing to admit.Archie: Then what are you asking me to forgive you for?Edith: I don't know; you asked me to ask you...

Maude: I invited Edith because I love her. And everywhere she goes, Archie goes. You know, like that Vaudeville act? There's the front end of the horse, and then there's Archie.

Walter: (Carol) was married before, she has an eight-year old son, she's had half-dozen affairs... So in all that heavy traffic, how did she manage that tricky U-turn back to purity and innocence?Maude: God'll get you for that, Walter.

Maude: Still fighting mental health, eh, Archie?

Maude: Archie, you have ruined my daughter's wedding!Archie: Well, that makes us even, Maude, because you ruined my weekend!

Mike: Would you stand up and cheer if it was me at the door?Archie: Well that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.

Archie: All them old Bible people, they was always eating meat, soon as they found out eating apples was wrong... Goats, lambs—who the hell ever heard of sacrificing a head of lettuce?

(looking up the right to bear arms in the U.S. Constitution)Archie: It's right there in your Second Ammendment.Edith: Oh no, Archie. That's the one that says "Thou shalt not make any graven image."Archie: That ain't the Constitution, Edith. What you said is the Gettysburg Address.

Gloria: Did you know that 65% of the people murdered in this country were killed by handguns?Archie: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?

Mr. Bennett: So how do you propose to stop people killing people?Archie: That's easy, you bring back the death penalty! Bennett: (on the phone) Get Johnson in here. I want him to see something before it becomes extinct.

Archie: (on TV) Now I wanna talk about another thing that's on everybody's mind today and that's your stickups and your skyjackings. Which if that was up to me, I could end the skyjackings tomorrow. Mike: (at home) You could? Archie: All you gotta do, is arm all your passengers. Your skyjacker knows the passengers are armed, and then he ain't got no more superiorority there, he ain't gonna dare to pull out no rod. And then your airlines, they wouldn't have to search the passengers on the ground no more; they just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and pick 'em up again at the end. Case closed.

Linda: Okay, Uncle Archie, you're on my plane. Now pretend you're a gentleman flying first-class.Mike: That's going to take a lot of pretending.

Gloria: Was your father strict with you, I mean, on who you went out with?Edith: Oh, yeah. The boy had to be kind, and thoughtful, and a gentleman.Mike: How did Archie ever pass that test?Edith: Well, Dad died four years before I et Archie.

Gloria Ma, when you say kind and thoughtful and a gentleman, you're describing Lionel.

Archie: If God had intended white people to dance with coloreds—Mike: He'd have given us rhythm, too.

Lionel: Now we've been friends, and we can go on being friends. But when it comes to black, white, and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between—put a lid on that, Archie.

Henry: If they want to mix up the races, let 'em. But we're going to keep ours pure! No more of that cream into the coffee!

Henry: (to Archie) If you don't learn to keep your mouth shut, we ain't never gonna get rid of the pollution!

Archie: What's this all about here?Edith: Oh, I don't know. I won't know until tomorrow.Archie: You know, you better keep a sharp lookout.Edith: What for?Archie: For the dingbat catcher.

Edith: Your letter said you was coming tomorrow night.Ruth Rempley: I wrote the letter yesterday. So when I said "tomorrow", I meant today.Edith: But I read the letter today. And when you read "tomorrow" today, tomorrow is tomorrow.

Edith: How was your day?Mike: Well, it was rough, ma—Archie: Wait a minute, she's asking me about my day, not yours.Mike: Since when do you own the day? I had a day, too.Archie: She's asking me about my day, right, Edith?Edith: Yeah. I was gonna ask you, Mike, but I was asking Archie first. How was your day?Archie: I don't wanna talk about it.

Archie: Lucky me. I got the only Polack who showers regularly.Mike: Here's a dime, Arch.Archie: Oh, a dime ain't going to pay for all your showers.Mike: No, but it'll pay for yours.

Edith: If it wasn't for his Uncle Alex, Mike would be in Poland right now!Archie: Out of respect for the dead, I ain't going to say nothing.

Archie: They don't like a guy like McGovern who's running around changing his mind all the time. They want a man like Nixon who don't change for nothing!Mike: You're right about that, Arch. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.

Archie: Take your gorilla. Your gorilla wants his kid to grow up better than him too! But the kid grows up, and there he is, still a gorilla!

Edith: I wonder what they say when they sneeze...Archie: Who's that, Edith?Edith: The Chinese. I mean, do they say "God bless you" or "Buddha bless you"?Archie: You really wanna know, the Chinks just sneeze and say nothing. They can't speak English.Mike: Why couldn't they say "Buddha bless you" in Chinese?Archie: Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".Mike: That's Japanese.Archie: Same thing.Mike: It's NOT the same thing.Archie: You put a Jap and a Chink together, you're going to tell me which is which?Mike: That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.Archie: Sure, you'd talk to them. You'd say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"

Mike: I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.Archie: Why don't you take a short walk on a long pier?Mike: You can't even get THAT right! It's "Why don't you take a LONG walk on a SHORT pier?Archie: Then do THAT.

Mike: C'mon, Archie, two measly dollars. Didn't you ever bet on anything?Archie: Yes... I bet that my daughter would marry a human being and lost!

Henry Jefferson: Bunker, you ain't going to get away with this. You've been cheating us for 400 years!Archie: What are you talking about? You've only been on the block for two years.Henry: I'm talking about how you white people come to Africa to steal us, and then when you was through stealing us, and when we went around to watch you, you stolen our whole country!Archie: I've never even BEEN to Africa!Henry: Neither have I, and THAT'S your fault, too!

Archie: This is one of the greatest days of my life.
Edith: That's wonderful. What is it?
Archie: Oh, boy, sensational news. Are you ready?
Edith: Yeah, I can hardly wait.
Archie: Remember Hank Phillips from the gas station?
Edith: Yeah.
Archie: He's dead.
Edith: Oh my!
Mike: A guy dies and you're happy?
Archie: Will you wait a minute, I didn't say that. I'm only happy because the guy can't bowl no more. That's all. See, I'm waiting six years to get a spot on this special bowling team, and now there's a spot opened up. I'm sorry the guy is dead, but that's life.

Mike: Arch, it's discrimination keeping out a guy because of what he is.
Archie: They don't keep nobody out because of what he is. They keep a guy out maybe because of what he ain't. Like, for instance if he ain't a good bowler, he ain't gettin' in—and if he ain't white and Protestant. What could be fairer than that?
Mike: Letting in anybody in, no matter what color he is, no matter what religion he is. That's what this country is supposed to be about.
Archie: Get out of here, that's only for the civil service.

(Louise & Lionel are visiting Archie in the hospital)Mr. Duval: Archie! Aren't you going to introduce me to your family? Your wife (Louise) looks charming!Archie: Jean, listen. Her and me ain't married.Mr. Duval: Even better! She gave you a fine-looking son anyway.Archie: She never gave me nothing but chicken soup here. Lionel, tell Jean you ain't my son.Lionel: Okay, whatever you say, Pop.

Archie: Where's Gloria?Mike: Oh, she said she'd stop by on her way from work.Archie: I wish you could say you'd stop by on the way from work.Mike: (sarcastic) You know Arch, it's really a thrill visiting you.

Archie: How do you do it? How do you stay so young?
Bill: It's like I told you before, Arch. The secret is up here (pointing to his head). You want to stay young, you think young, and wait until you get a load of the young friend that's meeting me. One look at her and you feel 10 years younger.
Archie: Oh, you're meetin' a girl in here, huh Bill?
Bill: When she gets here, call me Brad.
Archie: Brad? What for?
Bill: Well, it sounds younger. Bill ain't got no pizazz to it. People start calling you Brad, and you, you feel like a Brad.

(doorbell rings)Archie: Ringing the bell on a Sunday, it's a day of rest! Don't people read their Bibles no more? What happened to Christianity anyhow?... Whoever that is, tell them to get the hell outta here!

Edith: (referring to Mavis Pike) She's a women's lib! It means she's not a "Mrs.", and she's not a "Ms." neither.Archie: What does that make her, a near-Ms.?Mavis: Edith, I was going to ask you if you've had an interesting life... but he saved me the trouble.

Willie: Tony Roselli!Archie: Huh?Willie: Tony Roselli... I never forget a face!Archie: You just broke your record.

(demonstrating the new watch's alarm)Archie: That's for suppertime, see? And that's the alarm you're gonna hear every night around this time, Edith, to show you that supper should be on the table.Edith: Well, suppose I'm in another room and I don't hear it?Gloria: Then you'll hear the old alarm, Ma... Edith, get supper on the table!Edith: Archie, that sounded just like you!Archie: Oh, really? Then why don't it make you move?

Mike: (regarding the restaurant) We'd thought you'd like this place.Archie: What would make you think that?Mike: It's cheap.

Evil Archie: You dumb meatheaded, unemployed, oversexed pinko Professor of Polack you!Good Mike: Those are not very kind things to say. But I'll try to do better.

Evil Mike: You're saying I'm the one that broke the refrigerator. Well, I'm not the only one who uses it, you know! I'm not the only one who eats around here, you know! We all eat! You eat as much as I do!Evil Gloria: Michael's right, daddy. He's right and he's always right! Did you hear me? He's always right!Good Archie: Well of course he is, he's a college boy.

Evil Jack: You best tell the dude this house call's gonna cost him 32 bills, for openers.Evil Repairman: And sixteen bucks for every five minutes after the half-hour.Good Archie: Very reasonable.

Good Repairman: Before it broke down, was the light working, Mrs. Bunker?Edith: Well, off and on.Good Repairman: How do you mean?Edith: Well, on when I opened it... and off when I closed it.

Evil Jack: You know something? You irritate me.Goo" Archie: Maybe we can sit down and discuss it, and I'll learn how to improve myself.Mike: (back in the restraunt) You're crazy! You are crazy! You never talked that rational in your life!Archie: I don't talk rational, because I make sense!

Archie: Read your story of Adam & Eve there. They had it pretty soft there in paradise, they didn't have no worries, they didn't even know they was naked! And Eve, she wasn't satisfied with that, see? And one day, against direct orders she made poor Adam eat that apple. God got sore, He told them "Get your clothes on and get the hell outta here."

Edith: "Nothing" just came into my mind.Archie: It must have felt right at home there.

Archie: How dare (Mike) calls me a bonehead?Gloria: And how did you hear that? Did you have your little ears pressed against the wall?Archie: No!Edith: He listened with this glass.

Mike: You!Archie: What?Mike: YOU!Archie: What!Mike: GAAAAAAHHHH!Archie: (to Edith) He made more sense when he was coming through the glass.

Edith: So before you two start saying things to each other that you can never take back, stop. And think how much you really mean to each other.

Archie: All this celebrating just because one colored guy wants to leave the neighborhood. Mike: I thought you'd be the one leading the cheers.

Edith: Henry was saying the other day that there was no one he wanted to say "goodbye" to more than Archie.

Archie: Hey Jefferson, I don't blame your kid brother for wanting to leave home. If I was your brother, I'd want to leave home too. George: If you were my brother I'd cut my throat.Archie: If I were your brother I'd give you the knife.

(playing the game)Lionel: What's the first thing you say whenever I see you? Always something about the "black problem", right?Mike: Well, what do you want me to talk about, the weather?Lionel: Well, sometimes, yeah! I mean, black people have weather, too!

Mike: There's a storm at sea. The boat overturns, and your mother and I are drowning. Which one of us would you save? Just answer the question, which one of us would you save?Gloria: That is NOT a fair question!Mike: Why not?Gloria: Because I can't swim!

Mike: But criticism is the whole point of this game! There's no fun without it!Frank: Yeah. And so far, you've been a barrel of fun.

(regarding women Olympic gold medalists)Archie: Even the judges couldn't figure them out, they had to give them one of them her-mone tests... Found out that most of them had more his-mones than her-mones.

Mike: How long have you been believing in curses?Archie: How long have you been living here?

Mike: Of course there is magic all the time. You even find magic in the Bible. Archie: Oh, shut up! You atheist you! The Bible is filled miracles, no magic. God didn't fool around with no magic. Mike: What about Sodom and Gomorrah? When Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt? Archie: That's because when she was running away from them two dirty cities, she stopped to take a look at her behind. A stunned Mike slams his head against the table.

Gloria: Didn't you just say we have an equal partnership? Fifty-fifty?Mike: Yeah. Everything is fifty-fifty. But I'm the fifty that should be heard from first!

Mike: Take the animal kingdom. The male is always in charge!Gloria: Oh yeah? Did you ever hear of a "king" bee?

(Mike makes up a story about seeing another woman)Mike: I'm telling you, it was beautiful. I don't know how to explain it, but there was instant communication between us.Gloria: Oh, I can explain it. You talked, and she listened.

Mike: You kissed a perfect stranger on a street corner?Gloria: Nope, right on the lips!

(Mike is late for dinner)Archie: We ain't waitin' for him. C'mon, get it on.Gloria: We always wait for you.Archie: That, little girl, happens to be because I'm the breadwinner in this house. Your husband is the crumb.

Mike: Do you realize that before 1968, there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective? But in 1972, there were nearly eight million cars recalled.Archie: And do you realize that in 1974, who cares?

Archie: So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it, 100 to 1.Mike: What is that? The New Math?

Mike: Yeah, yeah—what's the seventh number? Gloria (who has a head cold) I gave you seven numbers. Mike You gave me six numbers!! One of the numbers was a sneeze!!...What do you want me to do—do you see a "sneeze" on this dial?!

Archie: The bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory.Mike: How are you going to do that?Archie: Haven't you ever heard of the olden days, the days of kings? The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. The cook dropped down dead, the king said, "See?" Then the king went into the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself.

Mike: Arch, you're not giving the fish a fighting chance.Archie: I don't wanna fight with the fish, I wanna catch them.

Edith: Castor Oil cheered you up?Archie: It'd be "cheered up", or get another dose.

Mike: (to Gloria) You realize how many boring things I've got to do in a single day to drive me crazy? I've got to get up, I've gotta brush my teeth, I have to shave—and I hate to shave. There are days where I stand there debating with that mirror: Should I shave, or should I cut my throat? But I shave.Archie: You know, it's too bad you always lose that argument.

Archie: Oh, that energy crisis. I wish you'd come up with one of those hot flashes of yours when we need it.

Archie: Look at this: Rip Van Meathead.

Archie: Do you ever watch your husband dress himself in the morning?Gloria: Sometimes.Archie: Did you know that he puts on a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe, instead of a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe?Gloria: What?Archie: What's the sense in asking you? You wear pantyhose.

Edith: You know, I think most marriages break up because people don't wait long enough to recognize each other again.

Archie: I don't have to have my dinner the minute I walk in the door.Mike: Since when?

Archie: I just thought that maybe you'd like to go over to my chair and sit and study over there.Mike: Huh?Archie: Yeah! Hey, listen. I do my best thinking in that chair. When I'm in that chair, I don't know what's going on.

(referring to the stuffed goat head)Edith: I don't think I'm going to like him looking at me with them big, sad eyes.Archie: They aren't real eyes, Edith, them there are glass eyes.Edith: That wasn't fair of Barney Hefner shooting a blind animal!

Mike: (to Gloria, about Archie) And he keeps saying the same thing to me every time I knock on the door. He says, "Don't knock, give it a Polack ring. So I say, "What's a Polack ring?" He says, "A dumb bell."

Archie: The country's got to produce more goods. Then we've got to have a little more unemployment. So when we have more goods to buy, and less people who can afford to buy the goods, then the prices will come down.Mike: That is the stupidest damn thing you've ever said.

Gloria: Swearing's just the sign of a small mind.Archie: Aw, shut the hell up.

Archie: Respect is for the dead. The living need dough.

Munson: (to Edith) Twenty-six years with Archie. You sure did some woman a big favor.

Edith: Mike, would you please pass these sandwiches around?Archie: No, no, no. That's like asking the elephant to pass the peanuts.

George: (to Archie) I'm talking about your unions asking for higher wages. It's bad for the country.Lionel: If it's bad for the country, how come you raised the prices in the cleaning store?Archie: He done that?Lionel: He did on the white clothes.George: You know something, Lionel? You're the reason we never had a second child.

Archie: When a guy asks a girl to get married, that's the highest compliment he can pay.Louise: And it's usually the last one, too.

Edith: You don't think this dress looks too revealing? I don't think I should look too sexy.Mike: Don't worry Ma, you never do.

Archie: If a woman don't have no experience, then she should stick to unskilled labor, like being a wife.Edith: But that don't pay nothing.Archie: But it ain't supposed to pay nothing, Edith. You're supposed to be satisfied with the, what do you call it, unseen rewards.Edith: How would you like an unseen dinner?

Archie: Edith, with you, a "surprise" could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican.

(Mike gets a part-time job)Archie: Between $20 and $25 a week? And you've got the nerve... to eat cake?

Mike: Hey Arch, will you hold it down? Gloria and I are trying to sleep!Archie: It's the only thing you ain't tried in that room yet!

George: I don't want no daughter-in-law who's a zebra.Louise: Why not? She don't mind a father-in-law who's a jack-ass!

Edith: Good morning, Louise... Heeeeere's Lionel!Archie: Who the hell are you now, Fred McMahon?

Louise: Edith, you're a doll. How did we find neighbors like you?Archie: You moved out of Harlem.

Lionel: Can I call you "Uncle Archie"?Archie: Well, I'll tell ya, Lionel... I think it's against the law.

George: Don't worry, we can start all over again... you can give me another boy.Louise: You better call Parcel Post... 'cause I've stopped making deliveries!

Louise: And you know what happens to blacks with no education, and looking for a job. They are last on the list.George: No they ain't, the Puerto Ricans are last.Archie: He's right Louise, the Puerto Ricans are last. Only they don't know it because they can't read the list.

Gloria: Oh ma, you'll never change. Whatever daddy wants, daddy gets.Edith: Not always.Gloria: Just tell me once when he didn't get his way, just once.Edith: When he wanted a boy.

Archie: Why don't you do what all the men do with their bright ideas? They drop them in the suggestion box.Irene: Oh, good. Where is the suggestion box?Archie: You know where the mens' toilet is?Irene: Yeah.Archie: There's three of 'em in there.

Archie: (disputing Irene's claims about equal pay) In the Bible, it says God made man in His own image. And he made women after, from a rib—cheaper cut.

Archie: God has one of them voices that you never, ever forget... You know, like Bing Crosby.

Archie: It makes a man stop and think when he's just been the victim of a miracle.

Mike: Arch, did you ever stop to think... When that crate dropped, maybe God was out to get you, and missed?

Edith: Have you got your dollar for the collection plate?Archie: Yeah, got it right over here in my wallet. Geez, a dollar a week in that plate from now on. Comes to what? Nearly fifty bucks a year.Edith: Archie, you said yourself you was paying back the Lord for saving your life.Mike: Ten cents would've covered that.

Mike: I tried fixing that toilet again, I can't do it. Maybe we'll just have to get another one.Gloria: Yeah. Two heads are better than one.

Archie: Fightin' that copper ball takes all the fun out of going to the toilet!

Edith: Archie, are you sure Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration Of Independence?Archie: Sure, four score and seven years ago.

Mike: Racial balance is important in everything. Take education: Why do you think it's so tough for a black student to become a doctor?Archie: Because nobody wants to see a black guy coming at them with a knife.

George: And here we have the living area, where we does our living. And here we have the dining area, where we does our dining. And through this door is the kitchen area—Louise: Where we does our kitchening.

Mr. Bentley: Take a walk on the small of my back, would you?George: Say what?Louise: Well, you wanted to move up to the East Side. Take a walk!

Louise: Lionel, you better go to your room. I don't want you to get hit by your father.Lionel: Why is he going to hit me?Louise: Because I'm not sure where I'm going to throw him!

Archie: I'll probably live long enough to see them put a man on Mars.Mike: What if they do that next year?Archie: What I won't live long enough to see is a Meathead on a payroll.

Archie: I'm married. They give me five years for having Edith. Thought they'd dock me for that.

Mike: "Deduct three years for wealthy or poor."Archie: Wealthy or poor? What the hell else is there?Gloria: Middle-class, which is what we are.Mike: Well, actually, we're lower-middle class.Archie: As I remember it, we was "upper" until you joined the family.

Edith: My mother always said, if God had intended people to smoke, He would have put chimneys on their heads.

Mike: So what are you saying? Cigar smoking is an inalienable right?Archie: It's for the aliens, it's for the native born...

Mike: I'm not used to sleeping on this side of the bed!Archie: Well, when I sleep with Edith, my wife, I sleep on this side of the bed.Mike: Well, when I sleep with Gloria, I sleep on that side of the bed.Archie: But you are sleeping now with the guy that OWNS the bed!

Archie: Are you telling me that your sinus is draining in this bed? You mean that I'm sleeping with a guy with a leak?