Dating advice, tips and experiences | Dating blogs & forums

“There are worse things I could do,
Than go with a boy or two.
Even though the neighborhood thinks I’m trashy,
And no good,
I suppose it could be true,
But there are worse things I could do.

I could flirt with all the guys,
Smile at them and bat my eyes.
Press against them when we dance,
Make them think they stand a chance,
Then refuse to see it through.
That’s a thing I’d never do.

I could stay home every night,
Wait around for Mr. Right.
Take cold showers every day,
And throw my life away,
On a dream that won’t come true.

I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I dont steal and I dont lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I’ll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That’s the worse thing I could do.”

Yes, I apparently like to start off blog entries with songs, and I’m going to refer to other songs throughout this post so be prepared! “Yes, our teeth & ambitions are bared. Be prepared!” See?

I recently took a “Which Female Grease Character Are You?” quiz on Facebook and my result was *drumroll* Rizzo. I actually wasn’t surprised. I also took a “Which Sex & the City Character Are You?” quiz and got Samantha Jones. Also not surprising. I’ve always identified the most with the female character who has the most sex because they’re also usually the most confident, outspoken, uninhibited, and daring. But they’re also the most misjudged.

What word comes to mind when you think of these characters? Floozies? Players? Manizers? Dare I say it – Whores?

I think that Rizzo gets a bad rap in Grease. She’s known as the “town bicycle” who messes around with all the neighborhood boys. She’s sexually experienced at a time when the innocence of Sandra Dee is celebrated. I think that Samantha is the more socially accepted sexually-empowered woman of the two. She’s “try-sexual” (she’ll try anything sexual), makes just as much money as the men in her field, and also plays that field quite well or even better. Yet stuck at the back of everyone’s minds is still the notion that women who enjoy sex or tend to have multiple partners (in Samantha’s case, she is not relationship-centric) are emotionally unstable, easy, or cootie-magnets.

Why should you be emotionally unstable if you don’t want to be in a committed relationship but still want to enjoy sex? Why should you be considered easy when you have a one-night stand (and it takes TWO to tango, so your partner is equally as guilty)? Why should you be viewed as a cootie-magnet if you are smart about your sexual encounters and use protection and get regular STI screenings? Why is it that you’re considered less classy than, say, a Charlotte York or a Sandra Dee just because you like to get jiggy?

Compare your initial thoughts of Rizzo & Samantha Jones to these male characters: Casanova. James Bond. Both men are sexually promiscuous, but they’re considered legends & heroes. What’s the deal?

Sing it, Christina Aguilera:

“If you look back in history
It’s a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory, the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore.”

Break it down, Lil’ Kim:

“Check it – Here’s something I just can’t understand
If the guy have three girls, then he’s the man
He can either give us some head, sex her off

If the girl do the same, then she’s a whore.”

Ugh. Sick, sick, sick. I hate that double standard.

I will admit it: I enjoy sex. In fact, I like it a lot. I’m uninhibited and adventurous in bed. I’ve had a fair amount of sexual partners but not an exorbitant amount. But I’m not a whore. While I’ve engaged in the occasional one-night stand, I do prefer to have my sex within the confines of a monogamous relationship. I feel that it builds trust and passion for a partner, not to mention that it’s safer in more ways than one. But I even enjoy it while I’m single and casually dating because: 1) I like it & 2) I am smart about it.

Which brings me to my most recent sexual encounter. I hit it off something great with this guy whom I met online. We exchanged several e-mails, had several phone conversations, and then went out on a date. He seemed like a serious and genuine guy, and I could tell that he was totally digging me. I was really liking him so, contrary to the usual Kristine who rips off men-she-like’s shirts with reckless abandon, I was trying to keep my pants on. I’m a cheap date in that it doesn’t take much alcohol for me to feel a buzz, but I never try to be a CHEAP date. Then…Oops. My bad. I had one too many rum & cokes and ended up sleeping with him on the first night. Damnit, Kristine. Didn’t I say to keep it in your pants so as not to give off the wrong impression? But he seemed like he genuinely still liked me even after we started to get down. Mid-sex, he said, “Can we go out on a ‘real’ date after this one? I’d like to get to know you and not just in the biblical sense.” I love how “real” date means not-involving-drinking & not-involving-sex, but it was nice to know that he wanted to see me again. And then he also asked me, “What do you want out of this?” which was really awkward as he was mid-thrust. Let’s say I didn’t quite know how to respond, so I did not respond at all (Sorry, I had to throw in a little double entendre action in there). However, in my profile and during our phone conversations I had stated that I was looking for a serious relationship, so I thought that my lack of coherent answer was covered at the moment. Despite a pleasant morning-after, he never called me back nor did he respond to a text I’d later sent him. We had also been chatting via instant message online, and he was not responding to my various attempts at conversation. I saved myself a bit of pride by not directly calling him on the phone since I’d done a little bit of cyber-stalking by checking to see when he’d last been on the dating site. Four days after the deed and his profile read “Activity within 24 Hours.” It appears he’d moved on to someone who was “more serious about relationships” and probably deleted that message I’d sent him on the dating site. Fail. Date fail.

But this is where it gets annoying. Men seem to think that just because I like to have fun early on that I cannot be serious. Look: I’m of the mind that you should test drive a vehicle before you buy it. And everyone’s got different requirements for horsepower and performance. My Prius could be your SUV. So for me, it sometimes gets hard to date people, especially when things get sexual. I could spend 4 great non-sexual dates with you and then on the 5th date find out that we’re completely sexually incompatible. And it’s not wrong to have sexual compatibility as a requirement for a successful relationship.

Then I’ve gone on a few dates with people where our personalities click and then we hit the sack and all hell breaks loose because they can’t seem to trust me based on the kind of sex we’re having. I’ve been asked (mid-sex, mind you…yes, I engage in a lot of mid-sex conversations) “You seem like you have done a lot of this. Are you sure you’ve only slept with (Insert Number Here) amount of people?” “Uhm, you seem like you are having way too much fun. Are you sure you’re clean?” (I had a guy get up and leave during the middle of sex because he was afraid I was “unclean.” What am I? A prostitute in Gomorrah? And dude, you’ve already put it in me. Did you feel a vagina dentata down there or something?) “You are a bit too much for me. I had a different impression of you than this.” (So apparently I look like a missionary as opposed to a reverse cowgirl. It must be the glasses.) Wham, bam, thank-you ma’am. And I don’t get a phone call the next day, which completely boggles my mind despite the fact that I KNOW they were having fun during the act. I actually got an answer from a guy who went MIA who told me that he didn’t trust me or what kind of person I was based on our sexual encounter. REALLY? You’re judging me because I’m uninhibited/not what you thought I’d be like in bed?

I think that women should be able to have sex as often as they want and in the way that they want and when they want, just as any person should, without the fear of stigma — as long as they’re smart about it. Yet the fact still remains that woman have to deal with more consequences than men. We’re the ones who are more likely to get the STI while men are more likely to transmit it without experiencing any symptoms. We’re the ones who are left to hold our breaths every month and be glad that our period came. We’re usually the ones who wonder why that great guy ditched us, which causes us to doubt our actions and ourselves. It seems like we get twice the amount of responsibility but half the amount of the fun that men do when it comes to sex.

I know that people say that you should give off a good impression by keeping it in your pants until Date # (Insert Number Here). I know that people say that you should keep an element of mystery about you and prolong the time between dates to (Insert Number Here) days. But I was never one of those people. I like to be straightforward and direct. If I like you, I like you. If I want to do you, I’ll do you. If I seem interesting to you, then you’ll continue to be excited by me no matter how many times we go out or how many times we have sex. If you want to see me, you will make it happen. I would like to think that you know enough of my personality and what type of woman I am to know that I can be trusted and should be respected. But don’t hold the fact that I don’t play the traditional dating game against me. Or the fact that I like walking around with no pants. I can only be myself.

Comments

I know I’ve had the same reaction when sleeping with a girl very soon after meeting. Immediately my mind goes to, “how many other guys has she done this with?” and even, “how many other guys is she currently doing this with?” We guys have fragile egos. None of us will admit it, but we want to feel like we’re special.

I can hear that you want people to trust and respect you. Unfortunately, that only comes with time; I won’t trust you after a single date, regardless of how well it went. If I sleep with you that night, I want to think that it’s something we brought out in one another spontaneously, not that I’m just the latest.

Every guy certainly appreciates a girl who knows what she’s doing in bed, but we appreciate it more when we feel like it’s unique to us.

Hey Zack. I appreciate your honesty. That was a very forthcoming answer.

However, at the same time, that’s EXACTLY what I’m talking about. We have the same insecurities and the same egos that men do, yet we aren’t always asking to have our “big heads” stroked along with our “little heads.” We do think the same thoughts about men who sleep with us early on as you do with us, but we women tend to look past a lot of those things if we feel that the vibe is right. Oftentimes, I feel that guys are a little more judgmental when it comes to sexual encounters. I don’t know if it’s society that teaches women to be a little more lenient (aka Tom Jones, the Story of a Foundling) or whatever, but it’s just not fair that even our feelings and afterthoughts are also kept to a double standard. And that often they’re not valid.

You have the same thoughts. We have the same thoughts. We want to feel special too. I think that we just tend to hide our feelings more often because we feel that’s what society expects of us. We are too accommodating for our own goods, and I’m just saying that women need to step away from that. Can we have our fragile egos stroked once in a while too or at least be given the benefit of the doubt?

Let’s start with a different topic. In general, which gender wears makeup? Earrings? Low-cut clothes? High-heels? You get the idea. Women spend much more time preparing for dates then men. Mascara, eye-liner, lipstick, lip-liner, lip gloss, foundation, blush … and that’s just the stuff I know about. Never mind sex. Dating is already unfair even before the date begins.

When it comes to dating, men and women are not treated the same. But this is the game, and you can either play by the rules, or yell into the wind. This isn’t to say that the rules don’t change, because the rules certainly have changed over the past couple decades, but the rules change slowly.

So, when it comes to sex, you have to realize that attitudes change slowly. A century ago, men were sentenced to death for rape, because they had taken the honor of a woman. In most non-western countries, it’s still possible to ask for a certificate of virginity. Things are different in the Bay Area, but I’ve never met a man who has said “Gee, I sure wish she had slept with more people before she met me.”

Nice Article
Women spend much more time preparing for dates then men. Mascara, eye-liner, lipstick, lip-liner, lip gloss, foundation, blush … and that’s just the stuff I know about. Never mind sex. Dating is already unfair even before the date begins.

I once read a quote from a columnist for the Village Voice who said that if you want to meet that someone special, do NOTHING. Logic being, there are always those that will love you for you, as you are. You may have a harder time if you play by your own rules vice the established ones, but the curious and the bold will show up;)

I dont think there is anything wrong with really enjoying sex and having many sexual partners…. I mean we live once and as long as we are safe we will be alright.

Leave a comment

Name (required)

E-mail (required)

URI

Your Comment

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail

Join Us

We have a growing community of people who love to share their experience and opinions. And when you're ready to write a blog post for us, become a guest contributor by contacting us and letting us know.