Category Archives: Relationships

Yesterday morning one of the moms’ groups I belong to offered a Mom’s Morning Out (read: free babysitting) and I jumped at the chance. Now, I had no idea exactly how I would spend that time, but guilt-free free-time when you’re the budget-minded mother of a toddler is precious. Plus, the Little Butt loves playing with kids and going to “class,” so it was a win-win.

I ended up dropping him off and heading straight for Barnes & Noble. There I ordered a tall coffee, found a cozy chair in the café, and sat down to plan out my week. While this might sound boring to some, it just may have been the highlight of my month.

Rewind four years, and every Monday morning found me sitting in the leather armchair at Borders (how I miss that store, my second home), still sipping coffee and planning out my week, often with a friend, as I mentioned in this post. Even then, it was a bright point in my week. I just didn’t realize how sacred that time could be until it became a rare option.

I don’t think anyone ever made clear to me how lonely being the mother of just one child could make you. Some days I feel trapped, a slave to my extremely loved son’s basic needs for care, learning, and safety.

One would think, as the oldest of eight children, that I might have learned this from my mother. But by the time I was old enough to consider these possibilities, she also had a built-in babysitter: yours truly. While my mom took her role seriously and has sacrificed more than any woman I know, she still knew the pleasure of sneaking out for a two-hour shopping run or breakfast with a friend.

I can hear her whispering in my ear, This, too, shall pass.

Last week, when the Little Butt awoke and I realized that I would again miss a happily anticipated event due to another childhood cold, I sat at the kitchen table and cried—cried!—for thirty minutes. Even as I sat there—and even now as I write this—I felt ashamed by my weakness. But I also felt angry. Why did no one ever tell me how many times this would happen, preparing me for this stage of my life? And how did I enter motherhood so blindly?

All I know is this: I would not trade this loneliness as a mother for a full life without my son. And the loneliness I often feel can be used to make me stronger, and also more aware of and sensitive to the other lonely people in my life—perhaps those who are lonely because they have no little one to demand their attention, or no partner to share their life with. Sometimes I forget that there are even those who have never yet learned how to be a friend, and suffer from the supreme loneliness of having no one.

Last week I was shocked to receive an incredible job offer. This arrived in my in-box completely out of the blue. I’m not looking for work—I love my roles as jeweler, trainer, teacher, and stay-at-home-mom.

The friend sending the offer my way prefaced it by saying, “Your sister and I think you’re probably not interested, but…” Simply brilliant, for those of you in sales. Because he offered me an immediate out, I began to mull the offer over.

To discuss it with My Guy.

With my best friend and sisters.

With my dad.

And to mull some more.

Yet every time I thought of taking the job, I wanted to cry. You see, this job would require me to be in DC at a government agency five days a week. After my commute, that would put me leaving home before my babies woke up and returning after they were in bed. Even if we opted for My Guy to quit his job so I could pursue mine, I would only get to see my kiddos on Saturdays and Sundays.

Allow me to clarify. This is the job I went to school for. I would be working as an editor and communications specialist. And I’d be getting paid close to what I’m worth. ::wink-wink::

The offer tempted me.

A quick call to my dad helped clarify the decision most.

He asked me, “What do you want?”

Thankfully, I know exactly what I want, and My Guy wants the same things. We want to raise happy, healthy (emotionally, physically, spiritually, and relationally) children. And I can’t do that in two days a week.

Over the past few weeks I’ve seen a lot of posts reacting to the president’s sideways slam against stay-at-home moms, and I’ve felt my own simmering anger. Now, this is not because I think the only right thing to do is be a stay-at-home mom. Everyone has a different life to live, and not every woman is lucky enough to have that option. My personal reaction is based in the fact that that decision is an American right, and we should not be belittled for that choice.

With a twinge of sadness and a great sense of flattery, I turned down the job offer. Why? Because I choose to put time with my kids over a bigger paycheck, a bigger house, better cars, and prestige. Because I choose to spend my days with an energetic two-year-old who wears me down to the point of a migraine, all because I believe God put me in his life as one of his most vital teachers. Because I choose to take my kid on field trips and do silly crafts with him rather than go on exotic vacations or do extreme decorating, knowing that he will remember these moments more than the color of our living room or a world tour. We can afford to live with less, and so we do.

This reminds me of something a therapist friend of mine told me back around my 30th birthday.

Every change in life—good or bad—signifies some sense of loss, as well. Mourning that loss is okay and healthy.

My children have changed my life, placing limitations on my freedoms, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m choosing to embrace the loss and limitations and to focus on the joy.

Having become a parent in my early thirties, I had plenty of years under my belt where my main concern was simply me. My Guy and I chose to start a family soon after marriage, so I went from completely single to married to mom in about two years. And when I say single, I’m talking over ten years—all of my twenties and barely into my thirties—single.

That said, it’s been a huge learning curve, discovering what it means to be a good partner and a good parent. Obviously I’ve only just begun on these lessons, but after two years of motherhood, one thing is abundantly clear:

Photo by Getty Images, public domain

Motherhood requires laying down your life every day, and sometimes every second. But that does not mean you just roll over and let life happen to you. Over and over these past two years I’ve had a picture in my mind of the flight attendant telling me to put my own mask on first.

When I put on my own mask first, I’m thinking more clearly and responding more appropriately to what life throws my way, whether it’s a cranky toddler, unexpected visitors, sickness, or simply an overbooked schedule. By making myself a priority in this way, I’m able to be closer to the ideal mom I want to be. And when I’m a better mom, I’m raising a better, more emotionally stable kid.

Here are a few of ways I’ve chosen to—ususally—do this:

Wake up at least fifteen to thirty minutes before the Little Butt.

This isn’t always fun, and I don’t always follow through on this. But I’ve found that my day and my attitude are much better if I have a few moments of quiet to wake up before putting on my mom hat.

During a business training, I heard Laryn Weaver say that we must wake up before our small children; otherwise we will end up resenting them for waking us up. I have found this to be true in my case.

Obviously there are ramifications to this. In order to be capable of waking early, I must go to bed at a decent time. If my work schedule prohibits this (and I’m lucky that I have this option), I need to take a nap.

Make self-care a priority.

Exercise is a priority in my life. Well, it usually is. Except for this week, and it shows—not so much in my body as in my state of mind. Exercise releases good endorphins and just sets you up for a better day. Now that the Little Butt sometimes decides to get up before I’ve had a chance to work out, he joins me and Jillian and jumps around the room yelling, “Go! Go! Go!” It’s frustrating not to have the perfect workout session, but I’m fitting it in and teaching him to take care of his own body.

Another priority for me is having time to be still and quiet. Some days this means reading the Bible or another book, journaling, praying, or just sitting. Every mother knows that once the kids are awake, stillness and quiet are unattainable. This is why, even though getting up 15-30 minutes early is my goal, I really try to get up about 90 minutes before the Little Butt. That way I can take care of myself in these two ways.

Self-care also means maintaining healthy relationships with other adults including My Guy. And while I don’t have time to do a girls’ night every week or even every month, playdates with my friends whose children are close in age to mine help. I also have friends over who are willing to put up with the noise of a toddler even though they don’t have one of their own. My three sisters and I have a continuous text conversation going all the time, so I’m plugged into some of my best relationships right there. Thankfully my line of work enables me to spend time with fun women several times each week, but if it didn’t, quick coffee dates would be a priority.

Show myself grace.

Before I was a parent and then when my little one was an infant, I determined he would not watch TV. Then it was he probably wouldn’t watch TV. Now the goal is to limit how much TV he watches.

Parenting is hard work, whether you work full-time, part-time, from home, or your main job is parenting. It’s exhausting. For me, the TV and independent playtime are tools I use so that I can grab some time for myself or my work in the middle of a busy day. Grace towards myself means determining what an appropriate use of the television is, making that my goal, and using a timer to stick to that goal.

However, grace plays into everything. We mess up. I mess up several times each day and wonder just how much I’m damaging the Little Butt. I wonder if I’ll get any aspect of parenting right.

While the ways you put on your oxygen mask may be different from mine, the point is this: in some ways, it’s okay and even vital to put ourselves first. Recently a friend told me what her pediatrician told her: if you’re worried about being a good mom, then you’re being a good mom. The other moms don’t even give it a thought.

So give yourself grace. And while you’re at it, give yourself credit by sharing with us how you put on your oxygen mask. That way we can all benefit.

This one is slightly tricky. There’s a cautious balance between being open minded and letting go of what you genuinely want/need. So weigh that concept against everything I say.

When I began online, I was *incredibly* shy and awkward. No, really. If you know me now, take me at my most awkward and multiply by ten. It had been over ten years since I’d been in a serious relationship and everything scared me. So, my sisters being the brilliant women that they are, told me I had to date everyone who asked me out and looked safe.

Wise advice.

This got me past a large portion of my awkwardness, but it also reminded me that while I wasn’t going to end up with most of these men, they had definite friend potential, even for a short time.

Another thing I learned is that you have no idea what Mr/s. Right looks like. According to my end of things, when I was matched with my man, eHarmony told me it was a “flexible match,” meaning we didn’t line up 100% but they thought it could be a good thing. Usually I deleted these matches first thing (why settle for less than perfect, right?), but my guy was persistent in contacting me. Plus, he was a darn good writer and made me laugh so I gave him a break. But as I told a friend when I was getting dressed to go on our first date, “It’s just dinner. Seriously, nothing with this guy is going to go anywhere.”

Keep that in mind. You may know exactly what you need, you may have a faint idea what you need, or you may have absolutely no idea what you need.

And while we’re on the subject of being open minded, realize that while you are putting in your time online, Mr/s. Right could be waiting elsewhere. Keep all your options open while trying creative methods for meeting people.

5. Give it enough time

In my conversations with you all, I heard from “Emily,” who met her man on Match on the first try. I also heard from “Amy” who persistently worked Christian Café for four-and-a-half years before finding Mr. Right. Amy went through several Mr. Wrongs, but she never gave up. And…she worked it like a part-time job all those years. Can someone say exhausting?

I’ve also heard from some of you that you’ve been trying to meet someone for up to seven years with nothing but bad luck. That hurts and is beyond discouraging.

But don’t give up. If you really want this, do not give up. I swear, there is something to the saying that it’s the darkest before dawn. While I was only online for a total of nine months or so, I remember telling my dad I was throwing in the towel somewhere around January of 2010. Since my subscription ran until March or April, he said to stick it out and, well, work it like a part-time job. I huffed and sighed and flipped open my laptop again.

A week or two later I had a new dilemma: now there were two guys with serious potential. Obviously I cleared up which one was the true winner.

I don’t know what enough time looks like, but if you’re serious, don’t give up. I’ve heard it all:

“It costs too much. I can’t afford to keep this up.”

“I have bad luck. There’s no one out there for me.”

“Everyone else is just lucky.”

“I don’t have time for this.”

Not to be harsh or anything, but if you truly believe those statements, enough with the whining. Just give up in both action and desire.

I know—and I think deep down you do, too—that we make time for and budget for and work at what is important to us. So ask yourself—is finding someone important to you?

Please know that none of this is intended to be harsh. Online dating is mostly awful with good moments thrown in here and there. My only hope is that, if you truly want this, you hang in there. I’m in your corner, cheering for you. I want you to find what you want and need. I hope these five tips help you on your journey.

When I put out the request for your adventures in the world of online dating, I wasn’t prepared for the wide variety of responses. I learned a lot from you—thanks for sharing! Since there was so much information, I’m going to break this into two parts, just to do your stories justice.

Oh, and the names have been changed to protect, well, everyone.

So these are Kendra’s Rules for Successful (or at least not Terrible) Online Dating. I’d say Kendra’s Five Rules, but who knows what I’ll learn from you in the next week.

Choose your service wisely.

When I finally broke down and decided to go online, I first selected Christian Café. It was affordable and Christian (haha), so I thought it’d be a good place to start. Plus, I have this eensy-weensy tendency to abhor that which is popular—that’s why I avoided eHarmony and Match.

In some respects, while searchable services give you a wider pool, they are more work—you have to spend hours sorting through profiles, knowing nothing about the other person. I met a few great guys on there and loads of creeps. (It turns out I have sexy feet. Who knew?)

You also need to be willing to start over if it seems a service isn’t working for you. After about four months on CC, I switched to eHarmony on a whim and decided to purchase a six-month subscription. On a shallow note, I loved the clean layout after the darker pages on CC. While initially I was talking to less men, the ones I met and eventually dated were actually guys that I really liked and enjoyed spending time with. Well, except for that one guy who didn’t even pay for my latte after I got up early for a first date on New Year’s Day. Who does that to a girl?

My man is quite sold out on the compatibility matching of eHarmony. He feels like it takes the guesswork out of whether you’ll get along, and ensures that you’re not going out just because the other person is hot. Even if they are. 😉

If you like being in control or simply don’t like being constrained, you might prefer one of the searchable services. In the end, I met my man on eHarmony, but plenty of people have had success elsewhere. One of them I’ll be talking about in part 2.

Be honest

You are looking for a long-term, quality relationship, are you not? Then start it out with the truth. Dishonesty is one of the six Love Busters, according to Dr. Harley. Tell the truth with your profile, your pictures (we all want to post the perfect ones, but make sure they actually look like you), and with your communication. Be honest about your comfort level, and when it’s time to end a relationship. Don’t waste anyone’s time trying to be nice. And good grief, if you’re going to stop talking to someone, tell them. Don’t just drop off the face of the earth. That’s just wrong.

(Hmmm. Do I sound bitter?)

Work it like a part-time job. Seriously.

This one and number five are probably the two hardest points. I’m assuming you already have a full-time job, and maybe even one or two part-time jobs, not to mention a full life, friends, family, and hobbies. But in order to get any benefit out of this service, you have to work it.

For me, that looked like an hour or more each evening (even when on vacation or business trips) reviewing matches, sending emails, closing matches, responding to emails, and whining about how much of a pain it all was. Oh, wait! I did the complaining pretty much constantly.

If you’re looking for a quality relationship, you can’t just sign up, set up your profile and wait for The One to email and sweep you off your seat. That’s kind of like buying a franchise and sitting back expecting to make a killing. Success in any endeavor takes work, unless you’re truly one of the charmed ones. But since you’re thinking about going online, I’m guessing that’s not the case—at least not in your dating life.

From my days of applying for jobs, I remember this one principle: keep 7-10 potential positions in the mix at all time, because 8-9 of them will fall away through no fault of yours. In the dating world it means this: see and talk to multiple people until you determine that you are serious about someone and want an exclusive relationship. But also be honest that you are seeing and talking to multiple people. It all goes back to honesty.

Since this is just part 1, I definitely welcome any comments or stories you might want to share. You can make part 2 even better than it already is!