Pointy Hats & Black Cats

As you’ll find with most men, I always start out by assuming any women I meet has at least some ties to witchcraft – if not a full blown witch. It’s nothing personal, just based on a number of studies I’ve been fortunate enough to have seen commissioned by the government. Also the vast majority of cat owners are women, so that right there is pretty conclusive….

Not all women can be instantly categorized as witches, ha ha of course I'm kidding in most cases they certainly are...

BUT

If you re the super skeptical type who needs mountains of evidence and proof before storming off half-cocked and exacting revenge against others who have wronged you, be they real or imagined – than you may find some of the following foolproof methods ideal for making the distinction.

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The scales test. A suspected witch was weighed against a metal bound Bible on a huge set of scales. If the suspect weighed more than the Bible, he or she was free. The fault with this test was the fact that weights could be hidden inside the Bible, causing the suspect to weigh less.

Witchmarks. Unusual moles, birthmarks, or warts were thought to be the markings of a witch; a place where a witch’s familiar of the devil himself would suckle to gain strength. If poked at with a pin, a witchmark would not bleed or cause pain. And we all know that if you carefully insert a pin under the skin or into a callus, it doesn’t bleed or cause pain.

The water test. Based on a pre-Christian belief that water was sacred, an accused witch would be bound left hand to right foot and right hand to left foot. If innocent, the suspect would sink and would survive from drowning if saved in time. If guilty, the water would reject them. Either way, you would be screwed because you could drown, or be found guilty and be hung.

Actual title page of "The Manual" used in Salem during the witch trials.

These are but 3 of the numerous tests used in the middle ages to figure out exactly which of the witches were wrongly accused and which were innocent. Although there were hundreds more and each as arbitrary as the next… pretty much leaving the outcome solely in the hands of the judge….

Witches exist, today, in your neighborhood, maybe even on your block….. I’m just saying….. try not to anger any older woman from eastern europe wearing a kerchief….

Kindly old Nana - perhaps - but she's also rocking a purse full of Eye of Newt.