Friday, April 5, 2013

Silence (LOA)

I haven't written anything here for a long time. Sometimes it feels like I haven't actually done anything for a long time, like my life has been frozen in some giant tank and been simply preserved. That's not exactly true, there has been a slow (very slow) sense of evolution. But it's definitely been a surreal three months or so. It's as if everyone around me has been moving at lightning speed toward something I couldn't understand anymore. They've been living, enjoying, struggling, working, going somewhere (or they at least didn't mind not knowing for certain that they were actually going anywhere). It all became utterly incomprehensible to me.

It's a good thing that I've had that giant preservation tank (a.k.a a family supportive enough to let me do what most people consider to be "nothing" with minimal judgement) to let me just freeze my life into place. Had things been different I don't think I would have been strong enough to deal with the pain and confusion for much longer.

I considered just ending this blog altogether. The purpose of it was well meant, but in reference to my first few posts I obviously missed the target on what it was I really needed this break for. If I had started this blog earlier than I did, there'd be a lot more to write about, and it might have been a bit more exciting.

But things have been different. Instead of unleashing some kind of potential or pursuing passions that had been restrained, this break became a needed (as in, emergency) escape. I came dangerously close to the edge, and had I not put an end to the path I was going in I'm afraid I may have arrived at a point of no return. Not a good place to be.

Once upon a time I had ambition, I had passion, I had the will to live a life beyond what I was allowing myself to live. That is what "breaking chains" was all about. I allowed myself to be encapsulated into a very narrow way of thinking and living. I allowed myself to be brainwashed into thinking that the right way was to follow the path laid out for me and so many others. I knew I had to break out. I knew the risk was great, but the rewards would be immeasurable. And I knew that, ironically, not taking that risk would doom me for certain. And that's exactly what happened.

My decision to take this time off came about half a year too late. Perhaps out of fear, I allowed myself to continue on that precarious path, trying to carve something of value out of the inside of my continually self-reinforcing prison cell. But the cell became a torture chamber, and the walls too thick to get out of safely. I had to blow my way out and settle for a severely injured version of a free me. In other words, I decided to continue business as usual and start my junior year like everyone else, which, even with some positives, yielded disastrous results to my well-being.

I may not be making much sense except to those extremely few people who know a bit more about what's been going on with me for the past one and a half years or so. I've gotten used to not really making sense to a lot of people, at least concerning my most inner (as in, most of my) thoughts. (I guess I could also clarify if anyone was interested but confused and wanted to ask.)

All in all I decided to continue posting here. This blog has become sort of symbolic in reflecting my life over the past few months, so I knew I couldn't just leave it empty. Not now that things, promising things, are starting to stir inside me (and out). Life goes on and I guess so will this blog.

Maybe my future posts will be more exciting, but this isn't necessarily a promise of better times. I am free, but I am as vulnerable as I've ever been. I've hurt the very people who've been closest to me, people who in many senses I probably owe my life to. All I know is that I've been through the darkest days of my life, and very recently the absolute darkest, but I have also begun a gradual climb. And though I'm weighed down by the guilt of wronging those who've shown me nothing but love, I am strong enough now in my resolve to know that letting it stop me would be a disservice to those who have stood by me despite it all.

Maybe it's time for the original intent of this leave of absence to finally be fulfilled. It's been a slow start, and it's going to continue to be for some time, but the standstill is over.

I'm being careful to keep this from being overly optimistic too soon (I've set myself up for failure like that too many times before), but damn it I'm not going down without a fight anymore. I don't yet know what exactly my resolve is, but I don't care anymore. I'm going to keep going; that's it.