Sam Biddle

Washington's got debt ceiling fever!—and the prospect of the US defaulting on its giant shitheap of foreign loans is becoming scarily real. So what happens if no deal is struck? MONEY CHAOS. Time to gear up for econo-hell.

Right now, Bitcoin's a pretty fringe internet phenomenon—unbacked digital currency used mostly by hackers and drug dealers. But if the dollar poops the bed, a decentralized currency untainted by political infighting could be just the ticket. Or the only ticket. Right now, the Bitcoin's worth a little over $12 USD. Get in while the gettin's good.

If you want something a little less risky than Bitcoin bullion, bricks of solid goldnever go out of fashion. A debt ceiling collapse surely won't change mankind's obsession with shiny, heavy things. Gold bars like those sold by Monex are certified of both weight and purity, so you'll have no trouble bartering for potable water, your life, or PS3 games. $1600/Oz

But where are you gonna keep your shimmering gold bricks? Somewhere safe. How about, a safe. The SentrySafe DS3410 is fireproof, sturdy as hell, offers both combo and key locks, and has ample room to be stuff with ingots and ammo. $170

Which brings us to our next essential—something to put ammo inside of. Nothing says Looters, be gone like a pump-action shotgun. And since the US can't afford to pay police anymore, vigilantism is going to be so chic—so get in on the action and defend your little castle with a giant gun, like the Remington 870 Wingmaster. $630

Even if the dollar remains somewhat intact, you may want to stay away from banks—they're probably going to be pretty tense hotspots of global financial meltdown anxiety. And besides, everyone hates banks to begin with. So take transactions on the go with a free Square card reader. Being able to sell your children into apocalypse nomad slavery through your iPad might just save your life in near-future America! $0

So things have finally stabilized, the end of the world didn't quite occur, and Washington's getting its house in order. Great! Except the US has now lost quite a bit of standing in the world, the dollar's no longer the global reserve currency standard, and our economy is about as vibrant as a retirement home talent show. Worst of all, our pals in China aren't exactly thrilled that we couldn't pay them back the over one trillion dollars we owe. Things are gonna be a little tense! So it might be a good time to beef up on your Mandarin. So you can at least say sorry for screwing things up. $200