It Hurts to Talk About This…

On October 2017, I had started creating an online course called Artist Alley for Beginners to help artists get started selling at artist alleys at conventions. I did this to create a more conscious version of my first online course, The Profitable Convention Artist.

Why the remake?

I got caught by the entrepreneurial bug back when I created my first course and thought I was capable of making money online while helping other artists make money at artist alleys.

It’s true, this did happen. Artists increased their income at conventions as well as myself.

But it backfired.

Nearly half of the people who signed up for my first course asked for a refund within a week.

One person logged in just once and then after her third payment, flagged it as unusual as she did not recognized the purchase as her own. (She was so worried her card got hacked, she requested for a new credit card.)

I, of course, directly emailed her to confirm that she did indeed make the payment for the course, to which she agreed and apologized. She said she would contact her credit card company to fix the issue, but the credit card company still closed the dispute in her favor.

I later became aware that the course itself and my accompanying videos on Youtube were egoic and not a true reflection of who I was.

At this point, I was disheartened and ready to give up.

But instead of quitting, I decided to redo the course in a different light:

“Selling at artist alley is not all about making money but about selling artwork that is true to who you are.”

And that’s how I created my second course.

While Artist Alley for Beginners is a more honest and conscious look into stepping into the artist alley, I was burnt out after completing the course.

I spent 2 months straight doing nothing BUT creating the course. I stopped exercising, didn’t eat much, rejected all invites from friends to meet up, and refrained from going out and enjoying, well, life.

Needless to say, my life was out-of-balance.

I didn’t realize this though, until I closed the course at the end of December 2017.

And that’s when it hit.

My depression.

I didn’t know what to do. I knew I didn’t want to teach artist alley anymore. I had quit going to artist alleys and conventions at the end of October, which was my full-time job, so I wasn’t making money anymore.

I had stopped creating art which was the light in my darkest moments.

I was still recovering from a loss of $4000 in coaching investment last fall and a heartbreak the same year.

And in mid-winter, the days were shorter, nights were longer. There wasn’t much light to keep me energized, alert, and awake.

That’s when dark voices started to loom in my mind.

“You’re useless.”

“No one cares if you’re even alive.”

“You haven’t drawn anything in MONTHS. How can you possible create anything good anymore?”

“You’re such a fake. You’re not as positive as you seem.”

“There’s no point in trying anymore.”

“You’re useless.”

“I’m useless.”

I couldn’t see the light that used to keep me hopeful, dreaming, loving.

Only glimpses.

And it was in one small moment that I found myself reaching for a book on my table I bought last October and flipping it open to read it.

Within a week, I felt the dark clouds lose its energy.

My mind felt lighter.

And I felt the light shining again.

Not above me, not next to me, but throughout me.

I haven’t been the same since.

So what was I reading?

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron,“A Course in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self” in 12 weeks.