Has He Really Been Gone Over Three Months?

Yes. He has. I feel it, every day. Every message I send, looking for a ride to school for Megan, shows me. Every day, after work, when I pick Meg up, and come home to cook dinner, I feel it. Every night, as I crawl into bed, alone, it’s clear.

Last night was rough for me. I get scared at night, after nightmares, or just seeing creepy shadows, casted by darkness. Last night, I awoke, at 2am, with this overwhelming fear. Prior to 3 months (and 2 days) ago, I would have just snuggled up, next to Mitch, and his sleeping self, would wrap his arms around me, and I would be comforted. I would fall back asleep, no worries. Not last night. Last night, I was like a child, again. I turned my bedroom light on, and pulled the covers over my head, so I could go back to sleep.

It’s almost embarrassing to admit that, but I know many adults, who still turn the lights off from the doorway, and run and JUMP into bed, to “avoid being grabbed by the monster under the bed.”

Taking Megan to her softball practices, and not having dad “coach” from the OUTSIDE of the fence, is hard.

The nights, when Meg waits until the last-minute, to tell me she needs something for school, the next day, I TOTALLY feel it! Mitch would ALWAYS be the one to go get whatever she needed, and I would crawl my butt, into bed. Mitch stayed up late, anyway, so he and I agreed it was better for us, if he went. Plus, she would wear what he bought, or use what he bought, no question. If I picked it out, we would be in trouble.

Any time I have “technical difficulties” I feel his loss. Mitch was my go-to guy for computer issues, hooking up electronics, etc.

When I step into my shower, and there isn’t 5, almost empty bottles of mens body wash, scattered about, I feel his absence.

Every day, as I wonder if this bill or that bill was paid, I feel him missing. Mitch paid the bills, before. He managed the money. Now, I wonder, then realize, DUH! I did!

When I go out to big family dinners, I feel his absence. I have to drink 1 beer, upon arrival, and then a TON of water or tea, to flush it, before I leave. Before, I would just drink what I wanted, and Mitch would drive, or I wouldn’t drink at all, and I would drive. It’s amazing, when you can develop such an amazing partnership, like that.

When I got the money from my work, my first instinct, was to text Mitch. I grabbed my phone, and went straight to his contact!

There are times when I deal with debt collectors, because lord KNOWS they sure do swarm at the worst possible times. I talked to one yesterday, who said she sure does have over $1,000 just sitting around, for when a bill collector calls. I called her a liar, and hung up. =/ When I paid off all of my old debt, I thought for sure, it was all gone. I applied for a car loan, and BAM, all this shit came at me. WTH? I paid everything except for the old apartment, because that should have never been charged, but that is a story for another time. So, as I am sitting in the dealership, and the guy is pointing at this and that, I am like, whoa! I wasn’t very bright in my 20s, just sayin. I saw credit card stuff, that I had completely forgotten about!

As I talk about the debt, now, I can see and hear Mitch, “Tabbie, stop stressing yourself out! You got that car loan, didn’t you? You got out of that piece of shit house, ran by a slumlord, didn’t you? You got into an apartment you have always wanted to live in, didn’t you?”

Yes. But, I would choose that piece of shit car, with that piece of shit house over all of this new and “great” stuff, if it meant having him back.

Now, in the opposite of Mitch fashion, time to request a copy of my credit report, and start paying that crap off, because that’s the only way I won’t stress about it.

I am unsure, as to when I will ever NOT feel Mitch’s absence, or if that is even possible. The fact that I feel his absence every single day, means he was doing something amazing, while he was here. There are so many memories, brought to my attention, every single day.

So many pictures, that I had to sneak of him, because he, like Megan, would cover his face, in all pictures. So many, “Mommy, remember when Daddy would…” So many, “Tabbie, remember when Mitch did…”

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One thought on “Has He Really Been Gone Over Three Months?”

Hi Tabbie, you don’t know me. My brother and i went to J. C Harmon with you. I just wanted to say it takes a strong person to talk about this painful time. You are more amazing then you think. You took lemons and made lemonade. I love hearing your stories. I couldn’t imagine to have to deal with your situation. As 1 single mom to the next i just wanna say your doing great breath one day at a time

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