How to schedule sex without killing romance

Once you become settled in a relationship, the words “calendar” and “schedule” tend to start taking over. They probably don’t sound too sexy, but most of us live busy and fast-paced lives.

If you don’t take the time to schedule sex, you might not have it. If you balk at the idea of planning sex with your partner, I’m about to blow your mind: We all schedule sex. We do it when we’re dating. Or, rather, we ask people out, often with the hope that the night will end in hot lovemaking.

Most of us stop setting aside time for sex as soon as we start farting around each other. Having a partner means there’s always someone there when you get horny. But that warm reliability has a downside: It’s easy to put a relationship on the back burner because we assume our partners will always be there for us. When networking opportunities, family obligations, and fun plans with our friends arise, sometimes it’s easy to say “yes” to everything else and forget about scheduling time with our partner.

While that level of trust and security is vital to a long-term partnership, relationships deserve a bigger investment than lazy bedtime sex or catching up by Mr. Coffee while you’re both getting ready for work in the morning. By specifically scheduling time for sex, be it a romantic date night out or a cozy night in, you’re making sure your partner feels like a priority. Here’s how to do it: Talk about it.

Approach the “we need to start scheduling sex” conversation delicately—you don’t want to put your partner on the “do you think we don’t have enough sex?” defensive. Here’s an expert tip: Blame yourself. “Hey, love of my life, with work and whatnot, I haven’t been making enough time for you. I’m sorry. Can you keep Sundays free for me so I can buy you dinner and go down on you each week, no matter how crazy things get? I love you. Your hair looks great today, by the way. And you’re smarter than me.”

Write it down.

Remember the early days of your relationship? You would text your lover asking what their schedule was like next week, because you’d like to take them out to dinner. And I have a suspicion that to make sure you didn’t forget about it and stand them up like an asshole, you marked that date down in your calendar.

You don’t have to send your partner a calendar invite for “sex.” But when I say schedule sex, I mean schedule sex. Early every week, before you get mired in non-sex plans, pick a day when you’re both going to be free and christen that night Date Night. If you crave variety, give each date night a theme: Kink night! Breakfast for dinner night! Anal night! Whatever is special in your relationship. Literally putting “date night” on a calendar helps you schedule work and social obligations around it, rather than always saying, “Eh, I’ll see my girlfriend this weekend.” Bonus: For women in particular, having a date set—something neither of you is allowed to flake on—helps us build anticipation. Foreplay starts long before you hit the sheets, guys.

Embrace poly principles.

Managing time is undeniably more intense when you have multiple partners—there’s even an app created by a poly family for the sole purpose of organizing life and all the sex that comes with it. You may be in a very serious and monogamous relationship, thinking, “I’m not poly. I haven’t even been to Burning Man.” Fair, but even if you’re in a monogamous relationship, you can learn a thing or two from polyamory.

Sure, you’re only sleeping with and in love with one person. But you have a boss who demands your attention, work buddies who want to grab happy-hour beers with you, family that needs visiting, and single friends who want you to spend Saturday night helping them get laid. From a scheduling perspective, we’re all more poly than we think. Your partner might be feeling neglected or jealous of the other people in your life, even if you’re not hitting it with them.

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