Archive for December, 2016

Officials are reporting that a number of major metropolitan centers are experiencing flooding at unprecedented levels. Meteorologists are baffled by this predicament since none of these cities have any significant precipitation in the past several weeks, nor have there been any unusual weather patterns that could have caused such flooding. Scientists who are experts in hydrology have been brought into the crisis, but are scratching their hairless heads to understand the phenomenon.

Yesterday, one researcher on the ground in New York City believes he has found the answer. The source of the water appears to be the millions of Democrats and Hillary-supporters who are crying literally oceans of tears for having lost the recent election. In Manhattan, they have brought in extra towels and crates of facial tissue to try and mop up the tears, but the volume has far exceeded the absorption rate, and the problem continues to worsen as the Electoral College vote nears.

“I believe they should warn citizens to find high ground, avoid major thoroughfares which could turn into destructive white water rapids, at least until after the Inauguration,” suggested the Researcher. “There is no guarantee that it will be much better after the Inauguration, but with the possibility of some of the biggest criers claiming to want to leave the country, the conditions could at least stabilize somewhat.”

Democrat leaders have discounted the Researcher claims, and believe that the flooding has been caused by the Russians hacking into the sewage treatment flow control systems. There has been no evidence of this, but Democrats say that they have never needed facts to prove their case in the past. “Anyone with half a brain could see this is a Russian conspiracy,” a Democrat official was heard saying. A rival in the crowd pointed out that the speaker spoke from authority, since he undoubtedly fit that brain-size category.