Channel 4 workers to be 200% harder by end of 2019

Channel 4 workers who will be relocating to Leeds will find themselves three-times as hard by 2020, according to sources inside the company.

As the West Yorkshire city won the bid to host the Channel 4 headquarters from the end of 2019, those who will be moving to the city as part of the relocation have been told to expect a life-changing experience.

As one Channel 4 executive told us, “Part of the rationale for the move was to give our southern soft-touch workers a taste of the real world. And Leeds is as real as it gets. It’s Yorkshire, for a start.

“Those who move will have to adapt, and quickly. The will be no more pampering. The shandy drinking southern stereotypes will be tied in a bag and unceremoniously dumped in the River Aire – from that point on they will be northern, and will bear all the hallmarks of being from Yorkshire.

“The good news is that when they visit ‘down south’ they will find their new strength will make them appear almost superhuman.

“A renewed exposure to London’s pampered lifestyle will be like Superman being exposed to a yellow sun. They won’t realise how powerful they will become. They will be able to crush a Channel 5 creative in one hand have the strength of ten BBC executives.”

One Channel 4 worker planning on moving to Leeds is current Croydon resident Simon Williams.

He told us, “I went on a quick recce to check the place out and was taken by a local to a Sam Smith’s pub where a pint of something called ‘bitter’ was only £2.