Friday, January 20, 2012

Apparently the phrase "cutting the cheese" is easily confused in kindergarten. After hearing a friend pass gas, I.F. said, "Oooh! Somebody's making a piece of cheese!" classy.
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EH (of "head-in-the-toilet" fame), now in 2nd grade, had an enlightening conversation with his mom. Mom: "EH, which class do you think you've learned the most in since you started school?" EH: "Oh, DEFinitely Pre-K3." Mom: "Why do you say that?" EH: "'Cause I didn't know $&%# before then!"
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KL: "Miss Leah, do you know what constipated means?"
Me: (picking jaw up off the floor) "Um..."
KL: "I can't tell you. My momma said to leave our private business at home."
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MKL triumphantly handed me a note he had written ALL by himself: "I luv you mis leu you r the bes tchr evr" with a heart and a smiley face. The bottom of the page said, "tmpluvdeth". I asked him to read it for me. "Temple of death!" he answers. Awesome.
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Another love note, also from MKL: "I lav mes Leah. Emax my ht b vare bale" (I love miss Leah. It makes my heart burn very badly"). I can now cross "cause someone heartburn" off my to-do list.
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"...With liberty and justice for all. Amen."
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JK: "Miss Leah, when I grow up I have to go to Catholic High. "
Me: "That's a good school."
JK: "Well, the bad news is you have to wear a tie and a dress shirt everyday. But the GOOD news is that they teach you to run at high speeds." Lucky boys.
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AB ran up to me immediately following our Kindergarten program at the end of the year. "Miss Leah, have you ever heard of the Golden Girls?" "Uhhh, yes?" "Well, I just saw one of the Golden Girls at our program! I wonder how she knew about it?!"
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W: " I'm not a very good pitcher, but I could certainly chase a ball down with my eagle eyes!" Someone, call the Yankees.
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EB: " Miss Leah, did you know I'm allergic to grass?"
Me: " No, I sure didn't."
JK: "Well, I'm allergic to meatloaf."
VK: "What is meatloaf?!"
AW: "Well, I'M allergic to the BAND Meatloaf."
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J to C: "Get off me! You touched my privacy!"
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AB: "Let's play 'Justin "Beaver"'! I'll be Justin Beaver."
EB: "I want to be Justin Beaver too!"
AB: "No, there can only be one Justin."
EB: "Fine. Then I'll be Usher."
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Me: "How much is a quarter worth?"
JK: "Um...a gumball!!"

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JG's journal story about the Titanic:
"pearl hrbor: the way it was"
"once upon a time there was a pesful hrbor calld pearl hrbor. Sudnley japanes plans were ataking all the ships! Then the Oklhomu at let strk by 7 trpedos but it capsizd. Next the West Vrginyu. Struk by 9 trpedos it sunk. Finally the Airazonea. Strck by 800kg bome. It sunk like a ston. The end."
Classic.
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Okay, so this isn't a kindergarten story. But it IS from my 2-yr-olds Sunday School class, so that counts, right?
CA:My poop can turn green and brown.
Me: (dumbfounded) Oh. My.
CA: Bet you wish you could poop like me!
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And another church story, this time from 3-yr-old Sunday School....
N: "Did all the dinosawahs die?"
Me: (soberly) "Yes."
N: "Why did they die?"
Me: "Um, I honestly don't know. "
N: "Maybe all the people were scared of the dinosawahs and pwayed to God evwynight, "God, pwease don't let the dinosawahs eat us." Then the dinosawahs didn't have anyone to eat, so they died!"
Pretty good logic, if you ask me.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Time for more stories! Since it's now been over a YEAR since I posted the last ones.....enjoy.

Poem that "C" wrote for Miss Meredith for Valentine's Day:
"Rosis are red
Vilits are blue
Its febuare you ho!"
(translation: "it's february, yoo-hoo!")

Picture this: Meredith and I are on the playground, watching "D" (a VERY odd, yet strangely charming boy, notorious for being in his own world) play with Max. We can't for the life of us figure out what they're playing. "D" jumps off the bottom of the slide, which is a big no-no. I call him down to where we're sitting and proceed to explain what is dangerous about jumping off the slide. He seems to be completely focused on what I'm saying, and is even nodding as I speak! I'm pumped, because my communication skills are clearly exemplary. All of a sudden, "D" looks over my shoulder and screams,

"MAX! Get the van ready!"

Huh? I'm more boring than I thought.

It's Halloween, and I'm going around the circle at circle time asking each child what he/she will be for Halloween. When I get to JL, she proudly announces she will be "Fatso Raven" for Halloween. I was stunned...then I realized she meant Raven from the TV show "That's So Raven". I love my job.

KL: "Miss Leah, are you wearing panties?"
me: "Um....yes?"
KL: "I knew it! Did you know girls have to wear panties to cover up their 'baginas'? And boys have to wear underwear to cover up their 'peanuts'."

Me: "'Z', are you feeling okay? Haven't you been to the bathroom 3 times since lunch?"
"Z": "No, I'm not okay. My bottom hurts."
me: (hesitantly) "What do you think the problem is?"
"Z": "I think it's because my shooey was too big."

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Okay, here is my backlog of "stories from the trenches". If I've ever told you a funny story about school that's not here, let me know- I probably forgot about it! From this point, I'm going to try to post funnies as they happen...we'll see.

It's October, and I've just taught my kindergartners how to do a Venn diagram (you know, the two intersecting circles used to compare and contrast two things...). One day during free choice time, I notice J.S. making his own Venn diagram on the white board. He's already drawn his two large circles, labeling one "girls" and the other "boys". He begins writing the names of his classmates in the circles. I'm watching, really curious about whose name is about to be
written in the "both" part of the circles. J.S. pauses, as if reading my mind, and turns to face me. "I can't do 'girls' and 'boys'! No one is a boy AND a girl!" A.M. pipes up from across the room: "MICHAEL JACKSON IS!"

Now it's September (work with me, people). It's Arkansas. It's HOT. Class comes in from recess with the aide and I realize JH is walking strangely. Almost like he's riding a horse...with no horse. Like he should be wearing chaps, boots, and spurs. I ask, "JH, what's the problem?" He looks up, very concerned, and explains (and points...down there...), "Thumtimes my skin sticks to my legs."

DL brings pictures to school of his new baby brother! The kids are all so excited because we've talked about this baby for what seems like years. The excitement dies down, but during lunch, DL blurts out: "I know how babies are born." Time stands still. The kids are completely silent, waiting for DL to bring insight to this great mystery. I, of course, am frozen- can't even make myself scream, "NOOOO!" because I'm so terrified of what he's about to say. He goes on: "The mom just pushes and pushes and pushes and the baby just POPS! Right out of her booty!" 15 mouths open wide (mine wanting to scream, but again, nothing). K.O. speaks up, "Is that true?" I respond the only way I can at the moment: "I have no idea. You'll have to ask your mom."

CF has three parents (mom, dad, stepdad), all of whom are blind. CF, who speaks very rarely and very quietly, shakes us all up by proudly announcing one morning that he got a trampoline for his birthday. The kids are all excited and one asks if CF has a "cage" on his trampoline (the net thing that goes around it). CF says yes. I say, "So you won't fall off?" Cameron quietly and matter-of-factly replies, "No, so my mom won't fall off."

It's Valentine's Day. BH (my favoritest little autistic child in the world) brings in a card for me that he has made "specially" for me. It's a white piece of paper with a big red heart on the front. Sweet, except the heart has drops of "blood" dripping off it and forming a "puddle" on the bottom of the page. I'm thinking: "awesome. blood. on a Valentine." But NO. I open it and read..."My heart is melting for you." LOVEIT.

It's April, and I'm still teaching "life skills" such as, "Only one person in the stall at a time while you're in the bathroom" and "It's not okay to look under the stall at the person next to you." So JL comes back in the classroom after a visit to the restroom and is VERY hot and bothered. I say, "JL, what's going on?" She cries, "AB looked in my stable!"

EM worked really hard on learning the major bones of the body in PE. But when she broke her arm, she also got a little confused about the bones in her arm (radius and ulna). She reported to another teacher that she fell out of a chair and "broke her uterus."

Francis: (staring at CP and the puddle of puke she is standing over) "What happened?!"
CP: "I bomited."

Me: (standing outside the boys bathroom hearing screams from inside) "What is going ON in there??"
JS: "Um, I think you should come in here, Miss Leah. There is a pre-k kid doing something crazy."
I walk in...nervously...to see AK SITTING on the urinal. facing me.
Me: "Um, AK, that is a potty for STANDING."
AK: "But I need to poop."

So I'm sitting in my quiet classroom while my class is at music. I hear Miss Janet say, "Oh. My. Goodness." I walk out in the hall and Janet is standing at the bathroom door looking in on EH. I peek in. EH is sitting on the toilet and is DRIPPING wet from head to waist. seriously. Janet leaves to get Kenda. EH reports, "My head is really wet." no kidding. I ask if he put his head in the sink. He says no. I ask how his head got really wet. He seems stumped. Kenda arrives.
Janet and I stay in the hall and listen to the line of questioning that eventually revealed the truth.
EH: "Did you know there's a hole in this potty?"
Kenda: "Yes. There's a hole in every potty. When you flush, that's where the water goes out."
EH: "Well, I just wanted to know where the hole went, so I put my hand in. I couldn't feel anything, so I put my whole arm in."
Kenda: "So how did your head get wet?"
EH: "Well, my arm wasn't long enough, so I tried to get my whole self in the potty so I could reach better. I still couldn't get anything."

I'm picking my class up from art. They're in a line at the door, I'm facing them. I feel something unusual. I look down. MC has both hands on my...chest. I jump back and say, "MC! What are you doing?!" He says nothing. I tell him he owes me a token when we get back to the classroom (while Miss Shana laughs silently behind him). When we get to the room, he brings me a token. I say, "MC, do you know why you have to give me a token?"
He replies, "Yes. Because I touched your pom-poms."

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Today I am a blogger. Not really sure what form this will take...or if I'll even do it. For years, I've been planning to write down all my funny stories from school in one place. What better place to do that than here? So that's where I'll start. We shall see what evolves. Enjoy!