How do you leave a man that won't let you go

Latonya - posted on 03/26/2009
(
8 moms have responded
)

2

6

0

But have no interest in you or the kid you have together.I tired telling him it's over but he won't stop calling me, excuse me of cheating,and tell me he will do want he wants I just want to raise our daugther without him.Because he not there birthday,holidays and emergency.so why do he want to stay because I can't take it no more .

8 Comments

View replies by

Amber - posted on 03/27/2009

53

23

5

This is 100% a control issue on his part. He most likely subscribes to the logic that if he can't have you, no one else will. And that's not about him having a relationship or emotional connection with you, it's about him controlling your feelings and making you miserable when he's miserable. I just suggest you stay strong and stand your ground. I read that he was mentally abusive and this is just an extension of that. For a person like that it's all about feeling like he has you under his thumb, breaking you down until you are less than yourself. If you feel like it's becoming a nuisance to your life, seek a protective order. He won't be able to call and the custody can be handled through the courts. If you think he'll become violent, make it known to family and friends. See if your local court has a domestic violence advocate that you can talk to for advice. They are experts in these kinds of things. I wish you the best of luck with this situation and just remember to follow your gut. If something he says bothers you, go ahead and call the police. Mental abuse can quickly turn physical and the safety (mental & physical) of you and your daughter is MOST important.

You definitely need to change your number and not give it to him later. You can't force him to be a good father. It is better for a child to have one stable parent than have one stressed out parent and another parent who really isn't involved. Trust me, I have four daughters and I have been through the same thing. When he calls you a cheater, remind him that you can not be a cheater because you are not in a relationship with him. As someone else mentioned, you need to remove him from your life cold turkey! Your daughter needs stability. If your ex becomes violent or tries to harass you, take the advice given by Amie Fox yesterday. It may be necessary if your ex refuses to accept that you are done with him. Good luck and be careful!

You are absolutely right - mental abuse can sometimes be more difficult to cope with than physical abuse. With physical abuse the pain and bruises go away with time and others can easily understand your pain. With emotional abuse, the damage can be more difficult to move past and sometimes others just don't comprehend what you are going through. You might want to consider attending a few counseling sessions with someone specialized in the needs of DV victims - your local DV agency would be a great place to obtain a referral. They may have a legal advocate who can help you file for child support, obtain an exparte if needed, and inform you of other resources available free or at low cost within your community. Unfortunately no one can "make" him be a good father, but you don't have to put up with harrassment and you can stand up for yourself and make sure he contributes his fair share to the financial support of your child. Another thing to consider - maybe it is better not to expose your daughter to someone who is mentally abusive? In some instances seeking child support may make him seek custody rights - are you prepared for that possibility?

He's not physically abusive to me. But he is metally abusive and I think that's worst than being physically abusive.I talk to him everyday on the phone and try to establish a relationship between him and his daughter.but he claims he is too sick to see her.So when I tell him I can't be with no one that don't what to be in their kids life that when he cuss me out,call me a cheater.so I hang up or tell him not to call but he will call all day until I answer or leave very nasty meassages.I just want him to take care of our daughter. Without us being together.

I would just get up and go, change the phone number and forward the address and go, you need to do it cold turkey just like quitting a ciggarete or youll never leave, trust me you may have different thought running through your mind one day may be different then the other. One day you may think well i have no one else or its hard to raise my kid by myself or the next you could say well i dont need him and i want to go, but it will never happen if you dont just get up and go....you can do it and believe me when you do it makes your life change forever, in a good way!

Safety first - follow your instincts!!! Is there ANY history of violent behavior? This includes throwing or damaging things, threats of violence against you and your child, or threats he will hurt himself or others if you leave him? Jealousy, controlling behaviors (keeps track of where you are going and who you talk to), putting you down your looks or intelligence etc.? You might want to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-799-7233 to discuss your personal situation and to get a referral to an agency in your community that may be able to assist you in identifying your options at this point.

When he calls do you answer his calls. If he says that he's going to do what he wants...just let him know that He can do what he wants....and that doing what he wants is no longer going to include you..because you need to do whats best for you and your daughter and having him in the picture just isnt whats best right now. If he cares even a little for his child he will let you do whats best for ya'll

Stay strong and hold your ground! I know it's hard, but don't give in to the drama. Try to avoid his calls as much as possible, and if he comes banging at your door, call the police. He won't get in trouble, but they will make him leave you alone. If he wants to see his daughter (which may be an excuse just to see you) tell him to get a lawyer and bring you to court. You have a right to live your life in peace. If he's harrassing you, you have the right to put a stop to it by getting a restraining order. This may seem extreme, but it sounds as though he's very angry and controlling. If he loved you, he would give you your space. Good luck with everything and please be careful. Men like this can be very unpredictable.