Friday, April 30, 2010

You have the most amazing smile ever. You're so beautiful and everyone loved you so, so much.
I just wish someone could have told you how you could have looked to all those who loved you instead of that one person.
Because he wasn't worth it.
I didn't know you but right now I'm in a whirlwind of extreme emotions ranging from hate to sympathy.
And I know that's what your family and friends are going through right now.
I pray God's holding you right now, because,

"I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

Because ultimately, your soul belongs to Jesus, not Satan, who has played a part in all this, who made you believe you're not worth loving or that there's nothing else to live for anymore.

Purpose.That's the reason why we walk so closely to the edge or even beyond it.

I pray you're in Heaven,I pray you're surrounded by choruses of angels singing,"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord",His love will reign both heaven and earth forevermore.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I feel thankful to be sitting on a glass table with an intricate mosaic piece engraved on the wall in front of me.
This is the kitchen, a place in the house that has the perfect atmosphere for doing homework or having a heart-to-heart talk.
The best time of the day to sit here doing what you do best is in the evening, with a cup of tea and two mini plates of cut chili and sauce beside it, representing half an hour just before dinner time.
The first two weeks of being in SP has trained me to choose friends carefully.
So this week I've learnt to choose friends who love me for who I am and I'm crazy glad that I've found that God-given bunch.
I'm pretty proud of myself for mixing around with everybody whenever I get the opportunity to.

Janna has been an amazing friend and she's a whole new set of eyes to the world around me.
She sees things from a whole new perspective and I'm sot thankful because she has been the most patient listener ever:)
Janna-banana, you're one of the cooler Malaysians and I love you loads as a friend:)

Also, for the past week, my new friend Try has been the cocoa in a chocolate bar.
Imagine if I were a magpie: Try is like the only sparkly thing among everyone else because he's just as crazy as I am.
He gets my jokes, he appreciates them and TRY'S ENTIRE LIFE IS ABOUT POKEMON (in which Shawn Lui says "ew" to) which is so kewl.
TRISNO, WO YE AI NI :D

So for the past week I've been a "magpie" and I've noticed more sparkly people.
The goal I've set for myself is to get out of my comfort zone and mix around with everyone despite our differences.
Yesterday I acted on achieving my goal: I askedJedon Facebook if I could have lunch with her and the other girls (awesomeness not ranked by order: Kelly,Elsa,Alicia,Hana,Genevieve,Kerri).
LESS THAN THREE = <3
Honestly, lunch was so much better today (even if Try wasn't there).
And do you know what I'm sure of?
They've got my back.
You could say "geez, it's only the second week and you're trusting them with your whole heart".
I'd say "That's how trustable they are and if I ever lose out, for every painful reality I go through, I have Jesus."
And that's my point: The Lord is my portion and His joy is my strength.

This year I don't wanna be cool.
This year I want to be set aside, I want to be that special someone people can turn to when they feel tired or broken down.
I want to be God's little firefly, His beacon of light that's gonna be used mightily by Him:)

Many times I forget that my body is His holy temple and that the tongue is a dangerous weapon that has the very nature of fire - once let loose, it will destroy everything in its way.
Especially vulgarities. And no temptation is beyond what we can bear.
That means "f" words CAN be eliminated from my dictionary.
Right now I choose to surrender, I choose to be His hands, His feet, His servant who lets Him serve me.
Letting Jesus wash our dirty feet means letting Him take care of us and not think that He has better things to do when we have problems that we need to lay down at His feet.
That's how lovely Jesus is, He delights in serving us even if we're undeserving.
It kinda shows me that Jesus was a human like we all are and that He does not see Himself any higher than us, especially when He was willing to wash His disciple's unclean feet.
And when we surrender and let Him serve us, He shows us areas of our life that we have done wrong in - but in a way that is gentle, that does not break us down harshly because our God is a gentle and compassionate God.
So we don't ever lose out when we surrender to His plan.
This song serves as a reminder to how I should lead my life because I've forgotten to imitate this attitude of worship for too long.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.

Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.

Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Let me not be a hypocrite, let me bear the cross and to trade the desires of my flesh in exchange with the suffering You went through - because I want to experience a "different kind of happiness".
Which is to take joy and trials as suffering.
Because it's meaingful, because it's worth it.
You are worth it, Lord.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Sharing at cell was about to start when I just HAD TO go to the toilet.
I opened my black notebook to a fresh new page and took a stroll to the Ladies'.
In the toilet, I was obviously doing my business and thanking God about how He has provided me with the time and opportunities to spend time with my friends.
(Honestly, while sitting on the toilet bowl is the best time to think about stuff.)
Like to be able to come for cell, to have been able to spend personal time with Belle, Cara, Kel, Koe and surprisingly, Shawn.
I have never felt more satisfied than to let my friends know that I love them, that I make an effort to make time for them and to catch up or simply goof around.

As I went back to cell and approached my notebook, I noticed a different type of handwriting on it.
Diane (who was sitting next to me) wrote me a note in my book saying that she was glad that I came for cell and that she misses seeing/talking to me.
As I listened to Diane share about her week, I wanted to cry right then.
My heart melted and as it did, all my defenses broke down too.Because being in SP for the entire week, I had felt so alone even if I am accepted to a certain extent but not to the level that I can call them 'family' just yet.
Diane's note was like a warm hug that represented how my cell accepts me for who I am.

Cell is like family.
Cell is where we'll never grow bored of each other because of God's love that unites us all, we keep learning, we keep picking each other up, we edify each other - we never give up on anybody.
Cell is the epitome of Empathy.
And Empathy is such an important factor to me as a person who has feelings, who has emotions, who makes mistakes, who wants a taste of redemption and forgiveness.
And I'm just amazed and in awe of how, over the years, God has bonded us that the soul ties between us all are so strong, that we can feel each other's hurt not because of the expression upon each other's faces but from the heart. From within our souls.
Cell is like family.
Cell is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm never letting you guys go.

Tonight's lesson was about Choices.
Earlier during the day when I came back from school, I asked God to give me a message that would speak to me.
And today's message was exactly what I needed to hear.
For the entire week, I had been the lousiest Christian ever.
Whether in terms of holding back my tongue, self-control or habitual sin - I failed in all those areas.
So tonight Gerald summed up the lesson saying that "you can make all the worst decisions in your life, but when it comes to the point where you're a hundred years old, the choice you make about spending eternity with God is the most important one. One good decision outweighs all the other bad decisions you've ever made."

So his point was about whether we make the choice to come back to God, to tell Him we're sorry and that after telling Him "i never ever want to talk to you forever, im walking out on You, God", that we realise it can't always be Every Man For Himself 'forever'.
We still need to rely on Someone, it's how we're made.
And I felt so relieved when I understood the lesson because I had made the choice to look to Him again and you know what's awesome about God?
He gives us chance after chance to change.
I have never forgotten what Joseph told me and never will: He puts no limit on the number of chances He gives us, because He loves us enough to let us change, even if we abuse the free will He has given us most of the times - He does not resent the fact that we have made bad decisions, He actually respects them.
Miss Gamar said she doesn't define our mistakes as wrongdoing, she defines them as "mis-take".
So we have another take when we fail the first time round, we get another chance to correct what we've done wrong/ couldn't answer again.

Tonight after cell, Diane and I were talking outside Caltex.
And she told me that she was prompted to tell me that I'm the type of person who does something wrong, realises it then blame myself and ask myself "why am I made this way, why am I like that".
And she told me that I don't have to be afraid of circumstances or making mistakes because truly, my weaknesses are made PERFECT in Jesus and that's all that matters.

"The more weaknesses you have, the more powerful God is in you."

Today we were assigned a piece of work and that is to write 500 words about who you think is your hero and why.My hero is Jesus:)
Because He has taught me that imperfection can be made perfect in Him.
He has seen all of the wrongdoings I haven't committed yet and have already forgiven them long before they are executed.
That is my Jesus.
That is my hero:)
2nd hero = My Dad/Mom:)

Lord, You're so worth it, and truly, the greatest gift in all my life is knowing You, loving You and serving You.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Suddenly being myself around people seems like the hardest thing to do.
Especially when they don't get your jokes, or they don't respond and they take joy in the fact that you're being humiliated.
But now I know that if you have a problem with me, I'm perfectly fine.
If you find that winning attention over is like a competition between you and I, then I'm happy you feel that way.
Because that just means I'm being true, that means I'm being who I've always been:)
So if listening to me speak annoys you, it really doesn't matter - because what matters is what I SAY and not what you say about me.

Now that I'm in DTVM, I wanna be different.
I don't wanna be the person who hangs out with the 'cool minority' and neglect the others.
I'm gonna put myself out there. I'm gonna avoid sticking with a clique and start showing people that they're totally fine, and that they are appreciated.

On another note:
If I could say anything to God, I'd tell Him I'm sorry.
I feel ashamed to say sorry.
I feel ashamed to say I love You Lord.
Because I've said it so many times but yet, it's not enough.
It's not enough because my words represent a whole other agenda from my actions.
I want to stop being a person of such little self-control. I want to start living right.

Tonight my eyes have been opened to Emptiness.
And it stares back at me.
When I look to you, that's the emptiness I see.
When I was blind, the emptiness was a pretty little bedroom filled with candy, a mirror, a perfect reflection, lingerie, perfume and sounds.
But when my eyes are opened, I am staring into the most painful, life threatening black-hole.

Then a light shines through and the darkness flees.
And I know that there is NO PLACE on earth too faraway for us to fall that God cannot find.
Do you know that I run to greet Temptation at the door and Sin stands behind him.
But I tend forget that God's all around.
And now I remember that because Jesus gave Himself up for me, I am worthy of being Loved.

I surrender all to YouI surrender all to YouI am nothing without YouJesus ChristTake my lifeIt's all for You

let me sing only for You alone
let me sing and make sure that the majority of my voice usage is for You alone
and not the world
because it boasts of temporal pleasures
it boasts of its humanity; that there is no room left for improvement
but what You have shown me
is a massive space
for me to grow, mistake after mistake, lesson after lesson
till I am sore and bruised but as I stand at the finish line, I see how I have been refined
let me sing for You, of You alone (L)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

If this is a new phase of life God wants me to go through, I don't know if I can do it without looking back.
Suddenly time puts an asterik* to every friendship in my life.
It's telling me that it's a definite factor, that it's compulsory.
I don't think friends who haven't spoken to you since forever should ever think that "oh, when we meet up, we naturally click again. So I'm not afraid to be away from you for 3 months and when we're back together again, we'll still be intact."
Intact? Geez. Put in a little effort.
You could be really focused on something but you could be neglecting something else really, really badly.
So my point is about being CARED BACK.
And for other relationships in the miscellaneous category, time has pulled us apart.
Which may be good even if it seems too much for me to bear.
Because you can pull away and when you snap back, there's a 180 degree change in my life and it definitely messes my head up. Alot.
Suddenly I sense there's un-forgiveness in my heart.
I can't forgive myself for being fat most of the time, can't forgive people who don't love me back the way I want them to and I can't forgive the people who take me for granted sometimes.

Today is Sunday.
I'm not at church because my body's aching like mad and my bed has agreed to take me back last night.
I wish I didn't have a phone.
Or the internet.
Then I'll get to see who comes knocking on my door with a massive grin, a picnic basket in hand and flowers in the other saying, "Wanna talk?" :)

Random: I believe we should all go live in Alaska.

you're like a little beam of sunshine in my worldand where there is light the darkness fleesi will get you those lights you wanted<3

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I guess there's a point where we all feel tired.
Tired of putting up defenses, tired of taking shit, tired of being imperfect.
I am my own worst critic, especially when I look at my body through the eyes of a perfectionist.
I strive for perfection in my art, in my singing, in my music, in language - I strive to be the elite in my forte.
When my eyeliner application on one eye looks a teeny bit different from the other eye, I rub it off and start all over again.
And I do not step out of the house until it's more or less symmetric.

The most painful part is when I come home and decide to bathe.
I lock the toilet door and my hand pulls my top up.
And it reveals deep, white stretch marks that I silently gasp at everytime I look at them.
I pull down my jeans and I turn my body to the side and finger the stretch marks that line all the way to the back.
Then I sigh and I take a shower.

Don't come after me after I've slimmed down when you've never noticed me.
Don't take that as a bonus.
You love me now or you don't ever tell me you'll only be into me after I'm a Megan Fox lookalike.
No, I do not hook up.
Do you know what I hate?
I can turn somebody on but in the end he's just not into me.
And I'm like "fuck that".

Girl, someday you'll find him.
He'll look into your eyes and see rainbows and bright yellow electric bolts and unicorns shoot across his mind when he gazes into those very eyes.
He'll be your emotional, spiritual and mental support and you know what-"what."
He's gonna want you as much as you want him."oh."

"my weaknesses are made perfect in Your strength"
"the greatest gift in all my life is loving You"
it's such a painful song to sing Lord.
sixteen and i'm feeling like i'm 99
i'm shitass tired

Saturday, April 10, 2010

This morning I am overwhelmed.
And this morning I feel that there should be justice done to my name.

Let me paint two figures for you.
There is a white spotlight hanging overhead, the entire room is of the purest, blameless white.
The first figure is Love.
He is clad in white rags - but now they are dirty because of stains that they have impressed upon the cloth.
His body is frail and it is translucent. You can see his veins, his inner core, his organs.
His body is frail but his heart is not; as his heart beats, fresh red blood pumps through his veins, representing life and a million chances.
He is old; he is mature.
He has a head of white ruffled hair the texture of cotton - ruffled, but not a mess or an eyesore upon sight.
Love smiles at me and as he does, his rosy cheeks glow.
His teeth are pearl white and his eyes - his eyes.
His eyes open up the window to his soul; his irises are of the softest ballet pink and the pupil is of the deepest night sky blue.
And they make me cry.
They make me feel accepted.

The second figure is Envy.
She is a young child around the age of seven.
Her body is not see-through; it is opaque and she trembles as her muscles tighten.
She is clad in red. She dons a dark red poncho, red maryjanes and black tights - like what a child dressed for the winter would wear.
You would think she was warm but she was freezing.
On her hair is a red ribbon with a black skull pin nestled in it.
Her jet black hair is pleated into the tightest braid- it is a braid so tight that you can see her perfect, white scalp clearly - so tight it would give you a migraine just by looking at it.
Her teeth are clenched behind her icy blue lips- a visual and physical representation of the grudges she bears and an unjustified wrath she has been holding back.
Envy has eyes like that of diamonds, they glitter and shine but the Diamond is the hardest mineral - and so is her heart.
It is rock solid and cold, unfeeling and apathetic.
She is bitter, she is selfish, she is envious and is never satisfied until the day Forgiveness comes and takes her away.
I feel sorry for her.
Envy looks at me and the diamonds in her eyes start to melt.
And she pleads, "Tell me where I can find Forgiveness, please."
But Forgiveness was right next to her and yet, she could not see him.

"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

James 1:15

This afternoon I am overwhelmed.
But this afternoon I know that justice has already been done to my name.
After I looked to Jesus and saw that He has overcome the grave.
I am loved, I am a King's precious and beloved daughter.Michael Hussar is my new favourite artist.

Then misunderstandings can lessen- I'm not saying they're going to cease but with LESS, we're good to go.

I love the name Catelynn! (and yes I have been watching Teen Mom on MTV and she's my fave girl.)

As you have noticed, I'm back from Penang and it feels real good to be home.

I've spent 5 solid days pouring out all my time and attention onto my family and definitely God.

And it feels good to be away from friends once in awhile.

Sometimes I get so caught up with having a social life that I forget about important things and people who will actually stay by my side forever.

My parents and God are like If-you-need-Love-then-look-nowhere-else 101 therapy kits to me.

God deals with the emotional stuff and my parents listen to all my trashy, angry talk and make me feel better.

Life gets a little tiring once in awhile; I'm 16 and I already feel like I'm a hundred years old.

But with them as encouragement, I'm never gonna stop trying to pick myself up, never gonna stop running the race.

People seldom walk in and out of my life, so when someone does walk out, it creates this massive ripple in my friendship/social circle.

But as that ripple creates a certain amount of chaos, I find peace in the eye of the storm- and I find the people who stay, I find the Lord there and that He is my hiding place and refuge from the raging cyclone.

Think of me as a ballerina who is practising her pirouettes and as I do, I spin my head and focus on an unmoving object to control my balance, creating a very, very (and I'll say it again) v.e.r.y. successful turn.

I didn't reach Grade 6 for nothing:)

So when you leave, you take a part of me with you, but right now I think I'll claim what I think I have lost andgive it to someone else who is worth it.