S.W.A.T.H. T.W.O. Can Go To H.E.L.L. – AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!

August 15, 2012

It’s hump day. Happy hump day.

Happy hump day to everyone. To everyone. To the good looking people of the world. To the ungood looking people of the world. To the old. To the young. Hump someone. If you’re fat or thin, start touching some skin. To the poor and to the rich. Hump a bitch. To healthy and to the sick. Work that clit. From the shorties close to the floor to the tallies with their heads touching the ceiling. It’s time for some sexual healing. I think that settles it. Hump day.

Let’s get on topic for a momento…

FUCK SWATCH!

errr…

SWATH!

That’s the one. I guess fuck “swatch” as well. I never wore any of those watches. But don’t fuck them if you don’t want to. Free country and all. Either way, fuck SWATH. I guess I mean the sequel, but fuck them both – the original and the sequel.

Yesterday, I read time and time again on my timeline and on any entertainment website that follows the trials and tribulations of actors, that the Wantess, the first child of Want, the Supreme Ruler of Want-atonia, Kristen Stewart will not be in the sequel to “Snow White and the Huntsman”…

BUT

Director Rupert Sanders is still attached to direct a sequel.

WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!

THIS IS THE GREATEST TRAVESTY OF OUR TIME!

…

Actually, who the fuck cares?

Honestly, when it comes to a sequel to SWATH, I wouldn’t see it anyway with or without Kristen Stewart.

I saw the first SWATH and at best it was tolerable good. I did a movie review on it after I saw it whenever it was back then. The first 45 minutes of the movie were interesting. Then an hour or so plus sucked. Then the last 5 minutes were ok. That’s kind of the break up of the movie. Don’t check my math on that because I don’t really know how long the movie was, but that’s what it felt like.

For a movie that never needed to be made – a re-envisioning of Snow White – there’s an undeniably shitty hour of the movie. From the moment they leave the forest until the moment Kristen Stewart stabs Charlize Theron, the movie is at times completely unwatchable. Anything involving the dwarves was unwatchable. Regardless, the movie never needed to be made. I never needed to see a Snow White who wears armor or a Huntsman who knows how to wield multiple hatchets or that incestuous date-rapey brother of the Queen. I didn’t need to see any of it.

So… a sequel to that shouldn’t even be a thought in anyone’s mind.

I know that it is and it is because the movie did pretty well financially and any movie that does well financially has a sequel coming. Actually, at this point, any movie that is made and makes it into theaters has the chances for a sequel because Hollywood is full of fucking fucktards.

BUT! But, but, but, butt, but, butt, but…

But this news story is not about whether or not there should be a sequel. This news story is about the idea that Kristen Stewart is already being ruled out for a possible sequel to SWATH and Rupert Sanders isn’t and in that there is a double standard in Hollywood. And my answer to that is… Probably true.

Probably true. Probably true. I would even go as far as to say… true.

It is a double standard. It is and they – whoever made this decision – will get nothing from me. They’ll be lucky if they actually go out there and waste their money on the sequel with Hemsworth and Sanders. They’ll be lucky to even do it. There’s a high percentage chance that they won’t make a Huntsman sequel to SWATH. There’s a high percentage chance a lot of movies that are mentioned will never be made. That’s how Hollywood is. It is even more of a high percentage chance that this movie will not be made simply because they went out of their way to say that Kristen Stewart will not be in a hypothetical sequel for a movie that doesn’t deserve one and that made me people think Hollywood has a double standard of how they treat different sexes involved in infidelity.

I wouldn’t see the Huntsman as a movie. I wouldn’t. Not because of the above, but because who the fuck is seeing that movie? Who? Who are they going to convince to see that movie? The Huntsman? Is there some comic book series for the Huntsman that I don’t know about? As far as I can tell, the people who have seen Hemsworth in action have been seeing him in movies that are built off of comic books. The best movie the guy was in was “The Cabin in the Woods” and not many people saw that. They saw “Thor”. They saw “The Avengers”, but they saw it for the comic books coming to life idea and not because they’re dying to see Hemsworth. Nothing against him, but his success is incorrectly appropriated to him if that’s what they think.

If someone went and saw “Snow White and the Huntsman” there’s an enormous chance they saw it because of Kristen Stewart. A sequel in general is worthless, a sequel without her is in short stupid.

Back to Sanders for a moment. For the Hollywood producers to side themselves with a director who has one movie and if anyone knows what he looks like it is because of this recent affair or with an actress who generates money and publicity where ever she goes doing whatever it is that she does – want – and has a legion of followers who are willing to go see movies that she is in regardless of how poorly they are made or how stupid the storyline is.

In short, Hollywood is full of fucking fucktards and this is another one of their fucking fucktarded decisions.

In short part 2, I’m betting there will never be a Huntsman sequel directed by Rupert Sanders. I would bet money on it. Like $50.

In short the trilogy, the only way you would be able to get me to see a hypothetical sequel to SWATH would be having Kristen Stewart give me a full-service lap dance for the entirety of the movie dressed as a US women’s indoor volleyball player. I will also be wearing blinders, so that I don’t even pick up the movie in my peripheral vision and ear plugs, so I don’t have to hear the movie.

What else?

I read that Joe Carnahan wanted to reboot DareDevil and set it in the 70’s and that’s not going to happen anymore. Apparently, it was passed on and now it’s back in the hands of Marvel who brought you the horrible original DareDevil movie as well as the two Ghost Rider shits, the two Fantastic Four vomits, and well… anything Marvel. I have disliked every Marvel movie that has come out minus Sam Raimi’s first 2 Spider-Man movies and the Captain America movie. Outside of that, I’ve disliked to hated the rest.

Carnahan’s idea sounded more interesting than anything else they’re going to come up with. Hollywood is filled with fucking fucktards.