5 Simple Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen

How to stop struggling with your kids and win their cooperation.

There are so many things that we need our children to do in order for our house and our schedule to run smoothly. We have a vision of what must get done, how it should be done, and when it should all happen.

But kids have a totally different take on how their day should flow. It’s as if they live in an alternate reality. Who needs to brush your teeth? What’s wrong with staying in pajamas all day?

Here are five simple ways to help you stop struggling with your kids and get your kids listen to you:

1. Understand why kids have a hard time listening to you.

Besides the fact that parents and children have different goals and aspirations for their day (productivity vs. free play all day long), kids have a hard time listening and following directions because kids, like all human beings, possess a strong need for independence.

Being independent makes us feel that we have some control over our decisions and our fate. We are empowered by knowing that we can think for ourselves, take care of ourselves, and rely on ourselves to survive in this world. Children are often torn between wanting their parents to take care of them and needing to feel independent. They are confused. When their parents ask them to do something and they need to comply, they are also battling their inner voice which might be telling them: "You don't need to listen to anyone. You are your own boss, you can do your own thing!"

Once we understand why it is so hard for kids to listen, we can approach our interactions with compassion, tact and understanding.

We will hopefully be less angry when our kids don’t listen. We can then focus our energies on in a more positive direction.

2. Create a home routine and schedule.

The next step is setting you and your child up for success. The easiest way to do that is to make sure that your home environment is conducive to cooperation. Routines and child friendly conditions can go a long way in helping your child listen.

The real key to preparing a routine is to involve your child and include his input. This feeds into his need to be independent and make his own decisions. Then you can plan a schedule that works for everyone.

“What would be the best time for you to do your homework?”

“Our doctor appointment is at 2pm. When do you want to stop playing with your toys and get ready to go?”

The same goes for a child-friendly home environment. Find out why your child is not hanging up his coat and what would be the best place to put some hooks (at his eye level) so that it is easy for him to comply. Shoes can be put in the same place everyday. Ditto for their clothing. Help them organize it in a way that makes it accessible to them, so that they are not always searching for their pants or shirt.

3. Use neutral language.

It can be frustrating to get our kids to cooperate. We often resort to accusations and blaming to get our kids to listen. This often sets a negative tone, and usually brings on defensive behavior that leads to power struggles:

Why do you always leave your shoes in the middle of the hall? Why do you always make a big deal about everything? Just pick out a shirt already!

Instead use language that is neutral and non-confrontational:

Shoes belong in the closet. Let’s both take a few minutes to calm down before we finish this conversation. Time is short. A shirt needs to be decided on now.

Using neutral, non-confrontational language helps parents feel in control and keep kids feeling encouraged and aids them in listening.

4. Give Choices.

There are more benefits to giving children choices. It teaches kids how to make decisions. It also builds their self-esteem as they learn to develop problem-solving skills. This makes them feel more powerful and in control of their lives. They become better listeners and more cooperative. Not only that, choices also allow parents to maintain their position of authority. Children need to comply with their parents’ requests, but they get to choose the method. It is a win/win situation.

For example:

Do you want to drink milk in your blue or red cup?

Do you want to eat dinner now or in five minutes?

Do you want to clean up your dolls or your blocks first?

Do you want to hop or jump into your car seat?

And with older kids:

I need help with dinner. Do you want to make the salad or set the table?

The bus comes in a half hour. Do you want me to come in and wake you up again or would you like to set your alarm for a few more minutes?

When are you planning on doing your homework, before or after dinner?

5. Help Kids Problem Solve Their Way To Listening.

One of the best ways to help kids listen is to involve them in discussions on how to solve the problems of family life.

Anytime there is a problem at home we can say, “Let’s take a minute to figure out a solution.” We can then ask some questions to promote problem-solving skills in our kids:

“What can we do to make sure that everyone is chipping in to help clear off the table?”

“I bought a box of cookies, what can we do to make sure that they are shared evenly in the house?”

“When Sara and Eli both have friends over there are problems over who gets to play in the basement. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can work this out?”

Teaching your children to think about solutions will give you a partner who will be more likely to listen as you solve life’s little and big problems together.

Helping kids to listen and cooperate is a big job. Understanding your child’s need for independence, setting up routines, using neutral language, giving choices and focusing on solutions, can make it that much easier.

About the Author

Adina Soclof is a Parent Educator, Professional Development Instructor and Speech Pathologist working with children in a school setting. She received her BA. in History from Queens College and her MS. in Communication Sciences from Hunter College. Adina is the founder of ParentingSimply.com. She delivers parenting classes as well as professional development workshops for Speech Pathologists, Teachers and other health professionals. You can find her text based CEU courses at PDResources.com and video courses at Homeceuconnection.com and SpeechPathologypd.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 3

(3)
lisa,
March 5, 2016 6:02 PM

she doesnt like to do her homework

My little girl she is nine yes but she doesn't like to do her homework always lie when I ask her and she don't know how to read English I'm trying to help her BT its very hard and its like she doesn't like to stay with me because she was not with me for two years.what can i do to solve the situation

(2)
Aliza,
October 22, 2013 1:38 PM

Thank you

My children are very young so I am grateful to have the opportunity to use this approach from the start .. Thank you !

(1)
Lisa,
October 21, 2013 9:30 AM

Yes, kids might actually listen if spoken to in a calm manner!

I learned from your informative article that we as parents must also be calm & speak with respect & clarity to our kids....it takes so much practice! Thank you for some great examples.i

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My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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