A Thanksgiving Dream

I am thankful to Vladimir Putin for agreeing to honor the results of the Ukrainian elections and withdraw Russian troops and armor from eastern Ukraine, and for announcing that he is ready to “turn the page on this unfortunate chapter and begin a new era of friendly relations based on sovereignty, mutual respect, and strong economic ties, while rejecting the outmoded notion of ‘spheres of influence.’ ”

I am thankful to Xi Jinping for declaring that he will respect the rights of the people of Hong Kong to peaceably assemble, air grievances, and democratically choose their own leaders. It was especially heartening to hear Xi credit the example of “my brother Vlad” for “showing that democracy doesn’t need to threaten autocrats who are secure in their power.”

I am thankful to McDonald’s for its unprecedented “race to the top” marketing campaign, in which the fast-food giant has promised to raise the wage of its lowest-paid workers to fifteen dollars an hour by next Thanksgiving. And, of course, major thanks to Burger King for immediately upping the ante with its commitment to raise base pay to $17.50 on New Year’s Day, 2015. Way to compete, mega-franchises! Hey, let’s not stop there! Walmart? We can’t hear you!

I am thankful for (though saddened by) the newly surfaced home video that shows, with dramatic clarity, exactly what happened in the encounter between Officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown, thereby creating a single, universally accepted narrative of those tragic moments, bringing peace to the streets of Ferguson, Missouri, and restoring the community’s faith in American justice.

I am thankful for the statesmanlike deal between outgoing Majority Leader Harry Reid and Majority Leader-elect Mitch McConnell to suspend use of the filibuster during the next congressional session, in exchange for a commitment to pass major legislation on immigration, carbon emissions, and gun violence. The 99-1 roll-call vote in favor of the deal sent a strong message that Congress intends to become a problem-solving institution once again. (Hoping you’ll eventually come around, Senator Cruz.)

I am thankful to the 2016 Presidential candidates for agreeing, by mutual consent, to delay the start of the campaign until the Monday following Thanksgiving, 2015. Extra thanks to those candidates who vowed to go the distance without airing a single TV ad mentioning childbirth or farm-animal body parts.

I am thankful for (not to mention pleasantly surprised by) the voluntary code of conduct adopted by all registered super PACs, to limit their spending in 2016 to eighty per cent of their 2014 totals, with a long-term goal of reducing expenditures to zero within the next decade.

I am thankful to Stephen Schwarzman, of the Blackstone Group, for being the first financier to take the Taxing Pledge, promising to declare future earnings as personal income rather than as carried interest, effectively doubling his federal tax liabilities on an entirely voluntary basis and setting a powerful example for other masters of the universe to emulate.

I am thankful to the leaders of the world’s three great monotheistic religions for their recent Statement on the Theory and Practice of Relativism, expressing “mutual tolerance and a commitment to peaceful co-existence based on the principle that no single faith has a monopoly on the truth.” In the same spirit, I am thankful to the Israeli and Jordanian authorities for turning over control of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem’s Old City to a joint task force composed of Yazidis and Zoroastrians.

Heartfelt thanks to whoever in ISIS tweeted the minutes of the most recent Leadership Council meeting, in which the Caliph of the Islamic State was quoted wondering aloud if “maybe the world would be better off without us.” (The disclosure apparently encouraged an anonymous senior official in the Syrian Baath Party to post a video on YouTube in which, remarkably, President Bashar al-Assad appears to utter the exact same words.)

This sounds petty, but I am thankful to New York City’s Department of Traffic and Parking for indefinitely suspending alternate-side-parking rules in my Brooklyn neighborhood.

I am thankful to the planet for agreeing to delay the worst effects of greenhouse gases for another quarter century, while human beings try to get their act together. (With a big shout-out to the polar ice cap.)

I am thankful to the year 2014 for consenting to suspend all further activities effective the day after Thanksgiving and immediately turn into 2015, which can only give us more reasons to be thankful.