I write about being a man, creativity and intentional living. I explore what masculinity means to men and women. Connect the dots in your life, experience your inner power and be in control of your life.Receive occasional articles by email—sign up below...

In looking at men and love it’s important to consider men who cant find love, who cant love a woman.

“It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you. Love is the power house behind our lives, it is the reason we live.”

It makes me sad that so many men just don’t feel this emotion, that there are so many men who can’t love. Yes, they have relationships, get married, have sex, bring up children, but still their lives remain relatively barren, they are still men who can’t find love. They try hard but remain separated from their wife, girlfriend or partner. They sometimes have co-dependent relationships that are based on need or gap-filling, but they never truly know the wonder of an inter-dependent relationship based on trust and self-knowledge.

What is it that holds them back? What is that gets in the way? What stops them?

Men Who Cant Find Love – Who Are They

There follow some pointers to what is happening in their lives instead of love:

1. Men who are looking for their mother.

I don’t know whether the mothers or the men are to blame for this. The men are looking to be fed, have their cleaning done and be generally molly-coddled.

I can remember my mother feeding me to show her love for me. I loved it but it got too much for me at times. She didn’t really teach me to look after myself or care for my woman.

I now do the cooking and take part in the household chores, I don’t expect my woman to look after me.

2. Men who are too absorbed in themselves.

It’s their life, their hobbies, their friends, their ambition, their children, their… Somehow their women doesn’t seem to come into the equation.

Men are used to running the world and filling their lives with activities and occupations. Nowadays men have even taken the role of father so seriously that they can forget that their woman is more than a mother.

I can remember staying at work too long when things were growing in my business. I can remember staying behind for a drink with my colleagues, forgetting my wife waiting for me at home. It was not good…

3. Men who are too on mission.

This is slightly different from the previous men who can’t love because woman love their men to be on mission. The focus and dedication of a man on mission is an amazing sight.

Sometimes it just goes too far. Sometimes the climber climbs one too many mountains and kills the relationship in the process, Sometimes the businessman goes on one too many trips abroad and loses sight of home.

Men need to find a balance on this.

4. Men who see themselves as alpha.

These are the ones that cause me so much pain. They are men who have a misplaced idea about men needing to be the alpha-males. Yes, dogs do it, but don’t have the intelligence we have.

They chase and conquer women to show how great they are. In the process they just show how lacking they are in any emotion, understanding or even humanity.

They are no better than dogs even if on the surface they appear to know what women want.

5. Men who just want a pal.

These are the sad ones who spend their lives going to the pub or the football game. They remember the great times with their pals when they were young and just want it to continue.

Occasionally it works when the woman becomes one of the lads, but this never lasts, then the man is left wondering what happened.

Sometimes men just need to realise they need to grow up.

6. Men who are afraid of intimacy.

Men often have difficulty dealing with intimacy, particularly when a relationship appears to be out of their control. The interesting part of this is that men also have difficulty acknowledging that they have difficulty dealing with intimacy. They usually sublimate the emotions into actions that they can understand.

This can show itself as aggression or even abuse, buit generally just results in sullenness and withdrawal.

Men who have this difficulty need help to overcome their fear and learn to become a normal part of the world.

7. Men who want their lost youth.

This shows itself, classically, in the mid-life crisis. Things were great when they were young, or so they remember. Life was free and easy, there were no pressures, no mortgages. Their women were beautiful and nubile in the time before children.

They have affairs trying to reach their long lost nirvana. In the process they throw everything away.

It is possible, however, to bring your youth into your present life by changing your outlook.

8. Men who want to control.

There are men who can’t love who just never seem to get over the temper tantrums of their childhood. They want everything and they want it now. No-one is going to stand in their way.

They lash out at their wife and children as well as their employees at work. Nothing is good enough for them.

They need to open their eyes and see that there is a big wide world out there that doesn’t revolve around them…

9. Men who lack a sense of polarity.

These are the ‘New Men’ who feel compassion for their women and want to spend their nlives honouring and worshiping them. There’s nothing wrong with this as such but the problem comes when their masculinity disappears in the process.

They go into ‘their feminine‘ and lose their sense of being a man. They seek equality with their woman and end up being the same.

Two sections link together into a unique and powerful whole. First is a series of conversations with Chris Howard on masculinity, sex and relationships. Second is a challenge for men to spend 40 days reflecting on themselves and their life.

75 Responses to 10 Men Who Cant Love- Are You One Of Them?

There is one figure missing here- the divorced man who cannot let go of his longterm ex wife and holds onto her and turns to her when there bumps in any new relationship he might have. Issues of dependency which entail his ex wife and adult/children. I have been dating a man who still holds onto his relationship with ex wife and allows her to have say in what he should or should not do. She broke us up and told him I expected him to change too much without knowing the facts of the compromises we both had made to be together. She had affairs on him and he forgave her but she is one of those women who appears to have the Golden Uterus Complex and looks to her ex as an ATM machine. The relationship has recently ended and we are talking but I am very reluctant to be with a man whose identity depends on his an ongoing relationship with his ex wife who was not very honest in their relationship from the beginning as she hid all her affairs from him until the end. Any comments regarding dealing with this type of man Phoenix- one who can’t let go and move forward with his life?

I am so ashamed of myself. I met someone whom I found extremely attractive and nice. But it turned out after one year that he is incapable of loving anyone. Why would not someone know how to love? He has a string of broken relationships behind him and he blamed all of them for their split up. I feel like I have known him a lifetime, like time stopped still when I met him, but thankfully it has only been a year. Im not even sure he knows that he does not know how to love. He says he has so much love in him, he can love his step children as much as his own children and his own children understand that. Its all so confusing.

Hi Rosie,
I feel your pain, been there. He sounds like a complete Narcissist, look up Narcissitic abuse and I think you will see it’s not you, he’s not able to love, or evaluate himself logically.
Hope that helps, also look up Melanie tonia Evans site as she tells you how to heal from it too, and explains it very well.
Put yourself and your needs first, and stay away from him, they have no real emotions & are dangerous.
Hugs x

He has his issues which probably go far back. the important thing for you to see is that you cannot change him, he can only do it for himself. You should not be ashamed it’s not your fault. Look at yourself and your needs and let go of him, if that helps.

I really don’t know if my husband fits in any of the 10 items or if he has a little of each of them. We have been married almost 46 years and we I should say he never had or wanted a love life with me or any one. We had sex, intimacy once on our wedding night and he hated it, it was vile and disgusting. Couldn’t understand why humans do something so gross, he told me he never wanted to experience it ever again. I only has sex the one time and it lasted maybe 10 minutes so having any opinion would have been a unjudged opinion. He never slept with me, worked all the time on the midnight shift and was never home with me. He lived in our basement and thats where he ate and slept. He didn’t want to talk or see to me, he just avoided me. This has been or lives, and were beyond the age for sex (67 and 69 years old). I personally hate all men and waiting for our life to end. I just don’t have any more energy to move forward. Its called giving up and living with what I have. (NOTHING)

I have to say that I am 67 and am not beyond the age for sex! I don’t quite understand why your are still with him after all these years. He seriously needs help. As for you, it is not too late to look to yourself and find out how you can heal and move on. I don’t know what your circumstances are but it is not right that you give up on life, there are still plenty years ahead. Find the energy and move forward, you must look at how you can do this.

You couldn’t be more wrong. I appreciate your comment but you miss the fact that this is directed at men, men who have given up on life. I would love to know which bits, specifically, you find pander, let me know.

I started seeing someone over two years ago. We really hit it off, were very attracted to one another. He was a MD and I was a RN. I was never interested in this type of “taboo” relationship as a lot of MD’s can be jerks. Needless to say, we hung out when we could, but he eventually moved away. He comes back every few months to work. We always kept a friendship via phone, texts, etc. I always kept a little flame in my heart for this man. He got involved with someone and couldn’t see me on one trip. I was alright with this, as I would never sabotage anything. As we met briefly one day as he rode into town, he told me that he ended the relationship and that he would be back out here in two months. He mentioned to “not be a stranger” and that “you have my number.” I called him on his BD within those two months and we would text briefly. When he came to CA we connected, as I drove North to see him after my shift and his shift. Had a lovely dinner. As I looked at him, I said “Can I kiss you?” He said….”Yes, but I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not available as I live in another state. If it weren’t for CA income tsxes, I would be living here, but it’s nice to always come back and visit my brother (of whom live in Southern California and work…one of which is getting married in the next 10 months…) and work at the hospital. Anny, I have always been very attracted to you, and once you get through your graduate program, you are going to be able to write your ticket anywhere.” I said, “I know…grad school has balanced my life out much more. I’m not working the two full time jobs as much anymore, and I’m more balanced with my life. You know, I told my Uncle about you, and because I have not dated a lot, the guys that I tend to date or go out with, I envision them as a “potential mate.” But, my Uncle said to just have fun and that we should just enjoy one another and “hook up.” I also told him that he was the last guy that I had had sex with which was 2 years ago. He said, “Anny, that was so— long ago! But, that your Uncle is Brillant!” We then went and had sex in my pick up truck. Random…and something that I would never have imagined doing; but it was fun. After we were done, I said, “I would like to end up with someone like you one day…I know that I’m not your type because it would have happened already, but you are the type of person that I want to end up with.” He said “Nonesense, Anny, you are my type, I just live in another state…besides, you can do a whole lot better than me…I’m short, you can do much taller, tanner, darker…” We left the conversation and the following weekend I met him again as he worked a shift every day and had to go to The City for a conference and Holiday Party. He called me when he got back into town and said he look forward to seeing me, where to meet, etc. As we met at dinner, we had a blast. I laughingly told him that I was on my “period…” so that we couldn’t engage in any type of naughty behavior…he laughed…and said he was happy we could atleast share this, being the healthcare professionals that we are…” We finished dinner, and we held eachother tight. He took me to a hotel in a quiet place and we just held eachother for a few hours. We departed and I gave him a letter with some burnt classic Rock CD’s and a few CA lottery tickets, along with a small coffee gift certificate. I laughed and said this surely isn’t a love letter or a “good luck” with your life letter, just something fun…He gave me a hug and kiss and told me that I should text him when I get home after the drive. I texted him when I got home 1.5 hours later and it read: ( ), thank you for making the time to c me. U r always such a joy 2 b around & uplifting…truly! Have a safe trip home and FINISH STRONG! Goodnight, Hun. He had two more shifts left this week and will be flying back to his home state for two more months until he comes back to work again. I have not heard from him, s it’s been two days. I’m alright with this, just a little sad. I told my counselor, that I held onto hope with this man for two years…I still very much care about him, but I’m so involved in my work right now, and graduate school for the next 1.5 years. I don’t see myself staying in my current location for too much longer after school, as I would like to re locate. I have a lot of friends and family in TX where he is at, and have been visiting the state since 2009. I played college basketball in Louisiana from 2002-04, so I’m very familiar with the South, and I have always loved it. It’s just that my family is here in CA. What should I do. I think that I need to let go of him, as I told him how I felt about him in a round-about way…but, I’m certain he cares about me, too. They always say, if it’s meant o be, you should set it free and vice versa. Please advise…thank you for your time and help. I appreciate it so much. Just very confused, but as I listen to my heart these last two days, my heart tells me to keep working hard at my school and studies and the rest will follow if it’s meant to be with Him…

Wow, Anna, what a story! Thanks you so much for being so open and honest. It’s difficult to give advice with talking more deeply with you, but my intuition tells me to give him up and focus on yourself. It never works to chase a man, even if he seems like an ideal partner. The women I know that achieve success in their relationships say to me that it only happened because they vowed not to compromise. Anything less than 95% correlation with your vision is not worth it. If you would like to talk about this more, go to http://grahamreidphoenix.com/37000ft/ to arrange a free half hour session.

That’s because they don’t really believe you! Somehow you are giving them the feeling that you want more but are shying away from connection and involvement. Is that true?

In the article I talked about No 3 finding balance. Do you have a way of doing this? Do you connect with others, men or women? Or are you hiding ion your focus? Focus is essential to a man, but it can never be everything.

I read today it is not that you attract bad men it is that you acsept them and the lights went on I have a history of men who don’t love woman because I accepted them in my mercy mode I tend to be understanding I have learned I can listen but not get involved haha

Hi Lucy, have you ever heard of the book “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood, I think you would find it very interesting. Women need to love from their strength, not just men. If you come from your caring, “Mother” Energy, you will only encourage a man to be helpless. When you accept a man who is not 100% of what you are looking for the result will be far from what you are looking for. Don’t encourage men who are not stepping up.

hi Graham brilliant article and also insughtful. my ex had a few problems from the list and i spent time beating my head on a brick wall over it. then i realised that the relationship was not doing any one of us any favours and called it off. the responses are interesting some people seem to be disturbingly bitter and angry. My advice to them would be to let go of their bitterness otherwise they will never be able to find real love . . .

Anastasia, thank you so much for your comment and your openness. If may say so your ex needs help, send him to me and I’ll sort him out

There is a surprising amount of bitterness from a number of men, they are scared and unsure of themselves. My mission is to get them to build their. Nuer certainty and face their fears. I know many women, like yourself, support me.

I’m a mature man now – I’m 62 – and I never fell in love with a woman sexually, although I had, and have, close female friends of whom I am fond.

The reason for this is probably too much input from the one parent – my mother – who loved me a lot but who smothered me – and this had a negative effect on my masculinity. I felt that there was and is a ‘lot of the woman ‘ in me.

I don’t want sexual relations with a woman as there is a ‘block’ in this regard. Being too close to my mother stifled my sexual development, as I held all women inthe same regard as her.

There was little physical affection between my father and me, quite the opposite, as I got many harsh beatings with a strap. I became frightened of my father and ended up hating him.

In my late twenties I became involved with gay men, had countless ‘boyfriends’ simply because I was seeking that physical love and affection I never received from my father . I still can only ‘fall in love’ with men, and I’m hurting a lot inside as I don’t have anyone close at the moment.

I pray a lot and try to do what is right, but I still yearn to sleep with a nice guy, kiss him and be held close in a tender loving caring way. Sex for me I’d not very important, but love is necessary for all humankind.

Ive been hard on myself, but am now beginning to be less so, and am learning to be grateful for what I have. Sometimes when we ‘force’ ourselves to do something – in my cast to love – it eludes us!!

So, what I’m trying to say is guys begin to laugh a lot and chill out naturally, and most of all pray and be patient.

Love yourselves and love will flow into your heart.
Treat others with respect as well as yourselves.

Sean Trevor, thank for your heartfelt shorty, your openness and your honesty. I hear what you are saying and I feel your pain. All I can say is that it’s never too late to change or start again. I am 65 and recently remarried and now I am happy in a way I have never been before. You can put your pain behind you if you want to. If you want to talk contact me, I am happy to see how I might be able to help you.

I am purely heterosexual and yet I have a block up as well not sexually relationally the walls have to come down for you to find true happiness and I know in this world what I am saying is sounds crazy but the desire to be nurtured by a man is also a block up another layer or wall. When you get beneathe the layers you will find yourself and the loveable guy you are to you you may find yourself sexually attracted to a woman at that point no gay bashing intended here you long to love a woman that is why you are not fulfilled and you can…..

Lucy, what you are saying does not sound crazy! The desire to be nurtured can easily just be a need to fill a void in yourself, that is no basis for a relationship. You should not long for a partner, man or woman, you should find someone that you love, who loves you. You can both still be strong, independent people who love being together but don’t rely on each other.

“The highest state of Love is not a relationship at all, it is simply a state of your Being. Just as trees are green, a lover is loving. They are not green for particular persons, it is not that when you come they become green. The flower goes on spreading it’s fragrance whether anybody comes or not, whether anybody appreciates or not. The flower does not start releasing its fragrance when it sees that a great poet is coming by – ‘Now this man will appreciate, now this man will be able to understand who I am.’ And it does not close its doors when it sees that a stupid, idiotic person is passing there – insensitive, dull, a politician or something like that. It does not close itself – ‘What is the point? Why cast pearls before swine?’. No, the flower goes on spreading its fragrance. It is a state of being, not a relationship…” (Osho)

Wows what a great article!! I’m young but, after finally understanding how to recognize a relationship with a girl as lust oppose to love, I started trying to understand what love is. Honestly I see myself falling into some of these categories such as wanting control and too absorbed in myself. Maybe I don’t want to change mainly for two reasons. Many women are not perfect and its gonna be difficult to find a women who would not fall into one of the categories of a flip sided list of women who can’t love. Many women look to compensate themselves of insecurity and being sensitive with men who are the opposite. So why change if I won’t reap the benefits. Also it puts me in a mentality as a women will bring me to happiness but a women in a relationship isn’t needed necessarily for happiness. The second reason is that I enjoy being absorbed in myself and I need to fix my personal problems and be strong before I complicate my life with relationships. Regardless, great observations it can encourage change for people who want to and it is a great source of info. Well done

Thank you, John. You must realise that none of us are perfect and relationships need to start somewhere. I believe it starts with the man giving his love and respect to a woman. He needs to lead. You are young but if you learn to give rather than receive you can have an amazing relationship.

Thank you for the article, great insight. My boyfriend is 30, I am 29. We have been togwther for nearly a year now. He says that he loves me and often shows it too. However we spoke about priorities recently and it turned into a discussion about feelings and emotions. While he says he loves me, he also says that he doesn’t always feel emotions very strongly at all because he is a logical rational and motivated person. But he wants to be happy, that he is happy with me. I am a very emotional person and it did hurt a little when he told me he doesn’t really feel the surges of love. Does it mean that we are not right for each other. I can accept him the way he is… But sometimes it’s just nice to feel loved. I love him very much! I just wish he could feel more…!

Aoife, men often find it hard to express love even when they feel it inside. This is not about you and it does not mean you are not right for each other. Your boyfriend needs to learn something he has probably never been taught, how to feel emotion and how to be present with his woman. If he is willing to talk to me I will happily see what I can do. You, in turn, should try not to take it personally, even when it hurts.

Hi thanks for your reply! I just came across it now
It turns out that my boyfriend had an ex who was quite controlling of him and didnt treat him very well.. She had a young son who he was like a father to, when he broke up with her he was very hurt and upset and angry. Upset that he lost the child, angry at her for the way she treated him and angry at himself for allowing her to treat him this way. I think he still thinks of her a lot. This upsets me, it makes me think that maybe he had such strong feelings for her and that now he won’t allow himself to be hurt again. Like she may have been the one who got away in that he did have those feelings, and even though she wasn’t nice to him – he still felt strongly about her. On another note, if this is the case (that he isn’t quite over her – be it still loves her or is still angry about it) do you think that I should have patience and wait for these feelings to pass as I’m sure they will fade in time? So many places on the Internet say: ” if he’s not over his ex then run away, you should be number 1 in his thoughts!” They were only together for a year and a half and split up 3 years ago. How long does it take? He doesn’t like to talk about her with me because I get a bit insecure. But it seems that he sees a future with me in the way he talks… I’m confused, men confuse me!!!
Thanks again for your reply,

You may be confused by men, but trust me me, men simply don’t understand women!

Thanks for your reply and well done for sticking with him, he is obviously and emotional man and that can be so powerful.

Don’t listen to random advice on the internet, look at who’s saying it. There are too many ‘relationship coaches’ out there who wouldn’t recognise a relationship if the walked into one. No, you don’t need patience, he won’t come round if you just wait for it. You need to take action to really find out what’s going on.

You need to start by letting go of your insecurity, if you don’t do that he will never open to you. Men need to trust as well. His ‘big love’ failed because of how she treated him, deep down he is excepting you to do that as well. Be strong and take nothing personally, nothing.

Then for a position of certainty you need to ask him where the relationship is going. Talk to him honestly but with judgement. talk about the previous relationship and what he sees for the two of you.

Although my business is coaching men, I know a lot about women as well. If you want any help with this process let me know and we could arrange a free session to talk about how `might be able to help you and your relationship.

Thank you for coming back and letting me know what is happening for you.

I can love all kinds of things, I guess my first love is ice cream and second is my cars and shop, and garage. Love a female now you got to be kidding. Its none of her business whether I love her or not. If I say yes then I got to put up with all kinds of shit. If I don’t I can keep her on a string and not commit to any thing.

What I noticed from the article was that there was no mention that men feel hurt and feel treated badly by western ( U.S, U.K ) society and the media.
Many men are staying single and want nothing to do with relationships because of this.
Many men are going overseas to find love becase they think they may get a better deal.

A better deal? In what aspect? I think there are great women in america who are hurting and have been hurt because their men are caught up in themselves, in work and have no quality time for them. Are women overseas have no need for love,time and special treatment?

In my view it matters not where men and women are. It starts with what they think of themselves, their confidence and inner certainty and moves on to how they love and respect the opposite sex. You are right Mary that both men and women are hurting, let’s change that.

Gary,
You clearly cant love because yoy are looking for a ‘better deal’. As a Russian-born woman with many Russian friends both in the UK and in Russia, I can tell you that all women are very similar in their desires and their needs, regardless of geographical location. Those men who are going abroad will not find anything new, not for long anyway. Just thought I’d clear all this up as there seem to be a lot of mythological ‘fairies and unicorns’ type of stories going round the internet about how geographic location somehow changes a womans psychological and biological needs lol. This is a globalised world my friend and the ‘deal’ youre going to find will be the same everywhere just disguised under a different fancy veil lol.

Gary, that’s not what the article was about. I’m sure you honk you are right, but instead of complaining the way to deal with it to stand up for what you believe in. Relationships are not about how society reacts they are about how two people get to know and love each other.

Not treated well bu western women ??Say what ! You guys don’t know how to treat your women right….it is called being selfish and thoughtless…you go over seas because those women will take anything or anyone just to get into Canada or the US ! No offense but from what I have seen they bend over backwards to please the men and usually get taken advantage of by you men….Funny is that when they finally get to the US or Canada and see they have rights as woman…..they usually leave you and find a life for themselves….and yes this does happen.. ALL women even the ones overseas get sick of dealing with make selfishness, pride, ego and attitude and event usually want to leave……………You cannot be selfish and have an ego or be thoughtless of you want real love in your life ! No matter where the women are from we all have a common bond between us…

I can’t figure out what category my husband falls in to. Were in our mid 60s and married 45+ years. I no longer have any interest in sex, really have nothing left to have sex with. But my husband and I had sex once in all these years, on our wedding night. The next day some thing switched off in his brain! He told me he hated sex, intimacy that it was disgusting, disturbing, smelly, messy and made him want to vomit. Also he couldn’t understand why any one would want to do something so revolting to another human. He decided he would move permanently to the basement, which he did, and that he volunteered to work the midnight shift. I was not to bother him, or talk to him and be quite. He worked nights for over 45 years and still has no interest in being or talking to me. He avoids any interaction or communications. My life is ruined because I stayed with this ugly person and I regret that. I’ll never forgive myself for this mistake. Doctors have helped me through the ups and downs. But I sure would like to know why a person just shuts another person off like he has done. It is so confusing and disturbing.

Rest assured his behaviour is nothing to do with you. He has a serious problem that he needs help with. It likely leads back to an experience when he was young, one that he has pushed right down to the point where he probably doesn’t even remember it.

Send him to me, if he will come, I will talk to him. That’s the best I can offer, but I offer it gladly.

“It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you. Love is the power house behind our lives, it is the reason we live.”

This must be a fantasy. Youre an unrealistic dreamer or just have a good imagination

I’m 6o years old and despite dating dozens of women when I was single, putting off marriage until I was 40 and then finally getting married because I wanted to be part of a family, in all that time I never feel in love with any woman. For years I thought I was simply unlucky and never met the right girl. But after years of therapy I was told I suffered from intimacy anxiety due to childhood (non sexual)abuse in a home with alcoholic parents. This intimacy anxiety was so made that it would cause me to suffer from sexual dysfunctions if I attempted to date any one woman more than a few times. My marriage has been sexless almost from the beginning and despite a normal sex drive I can’t have sex with my wife without suffering from erectile dysfunction. As long as I have sex with women I can hold at arm’s length I can function with no problems. This is what I did when I was single. I would simply move from woman to woman as soon as any sexual dysfunctions would begin. Although I did have a few brief affairs after I first got married I felt that I at least owed my wife faithfulness so I stopped which meant no sex at all and this has been the case for almost 20 years now. I really want to just go out and find someone to have sex with and then leave when the dysfunctions start like I did when I was single, but I don’t want to lose my family. Years of therapy has not been able to fix this. One therapist said “the damage in simply too deep” Soom people just can’t love others it causes too much anxiety and the anxiety makes sex difficult.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I hear what you are saying and I understand what your therapist said, but I simply do not accept it. I don’t beleive the damage is ever too deep. I am not belittling what you have, and are, going through but I never believe that abuse of any kind cannot be let go of.

I admire you for your determination and I think that your determination can win through. This situation is beyond therapy and is in your hands.

FInd you inner strength, find your masculine core essence and you can find a solution. Look at why you are married and deal with what you find.

I will be happy to talk to you if you feel it might help you. I am not a therapist, but I do know about alcoholism, being a man and sex. Just use the contact form on the site and send me an email.

Best wishes
Graham

ps I am 65 and still dealing with my issues. The transformation since I divorced at 60 has been dramatic…

I’m not blaming men for anything, I am just trying to help men see what can get in the way of them having a great relationship. There are just as many women who have similar problems but this site is not for women, it’s for men.

Your anger is obvious and not helpful. If I can help with issues you are having I am happy to. Please email me so we talk about this further.

I can see why Wallace has no real love in his life…..it is all attitude ! He is obviously defensive so that must mean something hit a sore spot with him…I think one of the points you made here in this article he saw in himself and is in denial and having a had time swallowing the truth in himself..I think it is sad……………
My ex had an attitude and could not really love a woman..trust me I was a wonderful woman to him in many ways…but after finding out how how was with all his ex’s and telling me it was their fault for the break ups…I have come to realize that he fits a lot of what is in this article !All of the things he said he wanted in a women I was to him….and he still could not see that…he could not truly love me..even though he tried ….His attitude and walls he has up and his one sided ways of seeing things and not wanting to face the truth in himself ruined the relationship and destroyed it ! This is why he blames all his ex’s ! In our case I am sorry I am NOT the fault and I have put up with way too much and gave too much or my trust and self to him ! He will never have anything meaningful in a relationship because of his own self..his own worst enemy ! He will only have meaningless, temporary relationship that don’t last and will be alone all his life…A man cannot open intimately up with temporary women…everything will be shallow with them. That is a lonely life ! I still love my ex and cry for me because I am hurting….but I also cry and hurt for him…I pray something will click in him someday and he will realize he just threw away a precious jewel (me)..the one that would always be there for him and love him as he is…We have not spoken in 3 months now ..I have tried to but he is silent. it hurts when you really love a man like this and he cannot love you back…even when he once thought he did love me…it wasn’t really love because of his problems..I really tried to love him……..still do so much….

The thing is that love is a two way street. We can think we love someone but if it is not reciprocated then it can go nowhere. I understand all you say about him and you’re right that he has lost a jewel. You must also, though, look at yourself and what you need. You have moved on physically, but you should also do so emotionally to open the space for the man who is meant to be with you to find you.

I stumbled accross this website when I was almost ready to end the relationship with my boyfriend. Over the last 18 months I have been at this point several times. For the past 4 years he has been goinf through a very messy and expensive divorce. He has lost everything he has worked so hard for in his 27 year marriage and has 2 sons. He suffered violance at the hands of his father who eventualy left before he gew up and has real intinacy issues, he doesn’t like to be touched outside of sex and can’t show affection. He is also an alpha male. I am a very tactile woman who was emotionaly staved growing up and was never shown how to show love and was sexually abused by my father.

We both have deep emotional and psycological scars and are in a Dominant/Submissive relationaship. He being the dominant.

He is not physically abusive towards me other than consentially while we “play”.

However my need to be touched (cuddled) and loved is threatening our relationaship and am near the point of ending it with him. I love the bones of him and wnt to take care of him but don’t get what I need from him. Most people would tell me that there is no future in tis relationship but when he has been drinking he opens up a little and tries to tell me how he feels. I know it’s not easy for him and when I have a drink I get very emotional and tell him that I love him which is something I fnd very difficult to do any other time for fear of being too vunerable.

In your experince have you ever known such a relationship to ever be healthy and survive?

I don’t want to give up on him but I’m scared that we are too damaged to last.

I see your situtaion and the dilemma I face. It is not an easy situatiion to be in and certainly not easy to resolve.

Before I answer your question I would like to clarify what I have found out about relationships from my own experience. Where a relationship is based on any form of co-dependency then it will eventually fail. Even if the couple stay together their relationship will die and become empty. This is what I call an “A” relationship, where the two lean on each other. A healthy relationship is an “H” relationship, where the two stand in their own right and their relationship is an added luxury.

I sympathise with what you want and need but I have to say that I have never known a relationship, such as the one you describe, to be healthy and survive. You both have needs and desires that are not being fulfilled except in the extremities of sex. Neither of you appear to be in a situation to help heal each other’s scars and your actions only hurt each other.

I feel that you need to look at and work on your issues about needing to be loved and the fear of being vulnerable. I won’t talk about your partner, except to him, other than to say that you are not in a position to help him.

I would like to refer you to a book, “Women Who Love Too Much“, this was a great help to my partner and very revealing about women trying to love their partners.

I suspect you expected the kind of answer I have given, if not I sincerely hope you understand what I am trying to say. Accepting this will not be giving up on him but starting to look after yourself.

I believe I am a person who loves too much… I loved my kids this way, I loved all men this way and now I am in a relationship (married)to someone who is not only arrogant and immature at 54, he just said today that he misses his single life. He works his butt off, over 50 hours a week outside as an operator but never shows any real affection by doing anything really around the house. Pretty much if it is gonna get done I have to do it. He pays the bills and that is it. He is an angry tough guy, and has raised his voice on several occasions. two years married and I take care of his 6 year old child full-time and work part time.

People will not have the time to be thinking so egotistically when times get tough…in the next years.. its a shallow existence , always walking around thinking that you deserve what you don’t have, becasue you work kind of entitled attitude.

Me,- I don’t know how to treat myself good..He tears me down quite a bit and it wears me down. HE has no idea how to give me any attention short of sex. Yes it is extremely dysfunctional.

Thanks for your open and honest comment, I really appreciate it. I see your dilemma, and I know he needs some serious work. But you cannot change him, he can only do it for himself. You need to look after yourself, starting now. Stop doing everything for him and not for yourself. Stop looking to him to fill your needs. Start looking at yourself and what you can do to fill your needs.

You clearly have pain, and I assume justifiably so. That does not, however, justify this kind of bitterness. We are all instrumental in the life we create for ourselves and blaming others is simple a convenient get-out for not taking responsibility for our own life.

Graham Reid Phoenix will never be a site for men seeking sympathy or support for the wrongs done against them by the courts or women, so don’t come here expecting it. There are plenty of other sites for that.

I am sure there is much you can do yourself to help your situation. If you choose to go that route I am happy to help.

I randomly found this site through problogger even though I am actually female. I think every guy and everyone who dates guys should read this list. overall, the overarching theme is one that applies to everyone: balance! it’s key to good relationships with yourself, the world, others.

gotta say it’s a bit funny you include austin powers as #9– I think only his wardrobe is feminine!

some thoughts on the alpha males: having fallen prey to this kind of man (you’re 100% correct with the wolf picture) I have some insight into this personality type. I’m really happy to learn that other men don’t necc. admire or respect this kind of guy b/c our media really encourages that kind of behavior. These kind of men who must conquer women really aren’t interested in women– it’s about their masculine self image and relationship with other men. It’s a way of proving “hey see, I’m a big man”. These men not only suffer from egotism and boasting, they must belittle their women as a means of further inflating their sense of self. These men would never feel big or strong on their own, and must put a woman down in order to feel so. I’ve talked with other women who dated similar men and commonalities we found was that often these “alpha males” 1. grew up with an abusive or belittling father 2. actually hate (often envy) other men as much as they hate women 3. they are filled with self-loathing beneath the bravura– “consuming’ women is a way to dull and distract from that self-hatred.

anyways, sorry for the novella, I know all men are not like that. I just feel our media really glamorizes the alpha lifestyle and wanted to show that it really isn’t

Yes, balance does apply to everyone. The actual list would be different for a woman (I am thinking about that one) but the essence would be the same.

Thank you for saying what you and your friends feel about Alpha Males. The best I can say is that as a man I am embarrassed about what they do. At worst they are destructive of good relations between us. It so easy, however, for the media to trumpet them, shame on them.

I’ve been each one of these men over the past 48+ years. Experience is a good teacher; and an even better teacher is the wisdom we gain when we finally learn that love is a gift that is meant to be poured out – not controlled, misrepresented or conditional.

Thank you for sharing. Yes, experience is a good teacher. I too know these men, that’s why I find it so easy to talk about them. It is all about being confident as a man and letting your partner see that.

Nice to hear. My former partner seemed to always be in denial that he had no problems but that I was the problem. Finding authentic love in yourself is so important to be able to share it with someone else. Many women tend to put guys on a pedestal who have good looks or money and then cater to them. Men get used to this, which seems to inhibit them from developing real love for one women… Anyway, I enjoy reading some of these posts and learning that there are men out there trying to change and be aware of themselves and help other men (& women).
I also like Chivalry Now- The Code of Male Ethics- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8JI2cJ1qbY
This work seems to be aligned to what you are doing but your approach has a bit more humour.
Thanks for giving me a laugh! (on a not-so-pleasant topic).

Thanks for your comment. We all seek the comfort of thinking someone else is to blame. We find personal responsibility difficult and scary. The only way forward is self-awareness through courage and vulnerability.

I watched the video, yes, it aligns partially, but it portrays an unexciting prospect for men. It starts with “To Dream, the impossible dream…”, suggesting what…..