Teen Witch (1989)

Yes, this movie is dumb. I’m well aware of that. It’s one of those silly little movies that makes no sense at all and you cherish it and hold it close to your heart when you think no one is looking. Teen Witch has long been one of my guilty pleasures and clearly appeals to the 13 year old girl in all of us, and I find myself watching it every few months or so. I have an old VHS copy in my possession with some great trailers on it, but I just know that it isn’t going to hold up more than two years of repeated viewing. Thank goodness it came out on DVD recently, but perhaps I’m just making up excuses for myself so I can buy it without feeling like a spaz.

Teen Witch is a super cheesy (with extra cheese) romantic comedy about a young girl named Louise Miller who is for lack of a better term, a massive dork. She envies the pretty cheerleaders with their popularity and parties, but no one ever even looks twice at her. Fortunately for her she has a loyal best friend – but she would still give anything to be one of the popular girls, with football hunk Brad on her arm.

After Brad knocks her off her bike on a dark night, she ends up knocking on the door of Madame Serena who offers her a palm reading. But Serena notices something different about Louise, and tells her that she will start to notice strange things happening after her sixteenth birthday which just so happens to be tha very week. Weirded out, Louise goes home, but does not forget the little lady’s strange warning. Her sixteenth birthday arrives, and even though no one came to her party, she notices her luck starting to change. She goes back to Madam Serena who begins to teach her spells and let her in on exactly how much she can do with her new found powers. It’s time to get back at those popular bitchy girls, those nasty teachers, and perhaps even land Brad, the man of her dreams. With a little help from her vertically challenged fortune teller guide, she’ll have no problem making all her dreams come true! Right?

Louise wants to be the most popular girl which is a large spell involving a lot of people, but Madam Serena is happy to help and Louise soon finds herself the center of attention everywhere she goes. Everyone at school loves her, she’s now a cheerleader, and best of all she has caught Brad’s eye.

Well once at the height of her popularity, our young witch decides that being the “Most Popular Girl” in school isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Her only real true friend now hates her and she is left to question if anyone really likes her at all or are they just under her spell?

Strangely enough, the characters in this film, although two dimensional to the extreme (hows about they animate this movie and chuck it on TV on Saturday Mornings) are also immensely likeable. Louise Miller really is a sad case. Her clothes are embarrassing, her hair never quite sits right, her parents treat her like a little girl and she gets picked on at school. I really felt for her when the pages of her diary containing intimate fantasies about the ever gorgeous Brad (who just so happens to be in her class), are read out loud by her English teacher! (In fact, I even find myself fast forwarding that bit at times – It’s just TOO painful to watch). But you just know that there’s a hottie underneath all that dowdiness waiting to escape. Brad Powell is the quintessential high school hunk that we all wish went to our school. He’s sweet, caring, kind and looks fantastic shirtless! Louise’s psychic guide Madame Serena is so cute, you just wish she was your grandma, and her younger brother Richie, well lets just say you want to kill him. With power tools.

I’ll admit, there are a few things about this movie that would vastly contribute to people being ashamed to love it, and the music is way up there. There are lots of random rap sequences, with three guys at the school being “rappers” they often feel the need to express themselves in such a manner. (The “Top That” scene will have you either laughing your head off or staring blankly at the screen in pure horror.) Not to mention the cheerleaders breaking into a ridiculous song titled “I Like Boys” in the locker room before gym class. (Yes, because that’s what us girls do in the change rooms!), and there is this one guy at both the dances in the film *shakes head* if you have seen this movie then you KNOW who I am talking about.

While the music, hair and clothing are all incredibly dated, and your cholesterol is likely to skyrocket from the amount of cheese in the ending dance scene, the story itself has aged well, and I’m sure this new DVD release will see a new generation of young teenage girls wishing they had magical powers to solve all their problems. I’d rate it among my faves.