An etymologist allowed a thousand hungry, pissed-off bedbugs to chew on his arm, for science! He also created a sweet new method of tattooing that we're shocked hasn't caught on yet. If you want to try it out, all you need is a jar of bugs, some inspiration, and irreversible insanity.

Billy Joel doesn't like his debut album, Cold Spring Harbor. Not because it sucks, but because his idiot producer somehow sped up the record while mastering it, turning Joel and his band into a bunch of high-pitched, squeaking munchkins. And unless you're Billy Joel, it's absolutely hilarious.

Flappy Bird is here again! A revamped, "less addictive" version of the game debuts this August, though the game's designer won't explain how he plans to make the game less drug-like. Perhaps by stealing one of the following highly-creative ways we just concocted? God, we hope so.

Prince recently returned to his old record label, Warner Brothers, after 20+ years of hating them. Less than two weeks in, he already hates them again. It's the least surprising thing Prince has ever done.

The Wu-Tang Clan is pressing exactly one copy of their new album. It costs $5 million, and everyone else can only listen to it in a museum of Wu's choice. Based on the 51-second snippet Forbes just released, the album isn't even close to worth it. Sorry Ghostface. Please don't killah us.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell recently started the hashtag #AskCommish. He probably figured, just as McDonald's, Blackberry, Walgreens, the NCAA, and the NYPD, that it would be harmless fluff about his favorite food and how much people love the hell out of his league. Nope.

Gilbert Gottfried voicing video games could have been the greatest thing ever, but for some reason, his iconic shrieks, squeaks, and high-pitched whines are totally gone. Instead, we get a series of half-assed reads that make me wonder if he was on Quaaludes that day.

May is International Masturbation Month, which is like having a National Air Month, National Water Month, or National Stare-at-a-Fat-Ass Month — it provides recognition to an activity that everyone does any damn way.

Scrolling down the typical Twitter feed, and clicking on the typical pop culture snarksite, you would think How I Met Your Mother had the worst, most ill-received finale since Seinfeld. You would be ... wrong. Scientific analysis concludes that just about everybody loved it, except for you.

Ford is far from the only politician busted doing cosmically stupid shit presumably under a shroud of power that makes them think they can’t be touched. They always get caught sooner or later, and we always wonder what the hell they were thinking.