1. "What do you mean Gavin Newsome was the last man to 'handle' this microphone?"

2. "Oh, man, I just can't hold this one in anymore. For the love of God... SOMEBODY PULL MY FINGER!"

3. Soon to be seen on 3,000,000 moonbat blogs with the caption "Sieg Heil."

4. Rudy reacts to seeing an old friend... boning his ex-wife.

5. "And I probably won't confiscate your guns and use them to abort your babies!" Rudy again tries to meet the conservative base halfway.

Best of metalgarth Randy said "Dawg, you got talent", Paula smiled and did a little dance in her chair. Simon called him a "talentless hack with no future". No one is really sure if Simon meant as a singer or as a serious presidential candidate.

Best of Jonathan "For the last f##in' time: THIS is my handle and THIS is my spout!"

Best of Jack Reacher "And then My Pet Goat went waaaaay back in the pasture...hang on, I'm telling a story here..."

Best of Van Helsing Rudy terrifies voters by describing the sight of Shrillary silhouetted against a full moon as she flies into the White House on her broom.

Best of Double the U People give me credit for cleaning up the crime in New York city, in reality I just moved the criminals to upstate New York.

Best of Silhouette "Feelings. Nothing more than feelings."

Best of prince of leaves "So I walked into the hotel room, not knowing what to expect, and there was Hillary, lying naked on her back on the bear rug, and no kidding, the damn thing came up to HERE!"

Best of Submariner ♪Somewhere, over the f****n' rainbow...♪

Best of Targetpractice "This is your candidate. This is your candidate with 240 volts running through him. Any questions?"

"Yeah, he's been stuck in that pose ever since Fred Thompson announced his candidacy. We've started using him as a coat rack."

Best of Rodney Dill "You must be this tall to ride the Italian Stallion."

Best of sonicfrog "Great Scott"!!! Rudy Giuliani has been cast as Doc Brown in the latest unnecessary Hollywood remake, "Back To The Future".

3. "How do I get away with a strapless gown at a funeral? Because I can do it without people yelling 'Free Willy,' you stupid cow."

4. "Don't worry senator, I'm sure there'll be plenty of plankton and krill at the buffet for you to strain through your plates of baleen."

5. "I'll miss your demented conspiracy theories now that you've been fired from The View."

Best of Submariner Why, no, I never get that "not so fresh" feeling. But my sense of smell tells me that you do...

Best of Jack Reacher "Actually, when I said 'I'm open' I was waving to Kobe over there."

Best of The Man Debbie: "No, I am here to meet a 13 year old girl that looks freakishly like you...why is John Walsh here?"

Best of The Man Your representative is so fat, she gets 2 votes. Your representative is so fat, her district has stretch marks. Your representative is so fat, when she speaks to the House, she leaves a trail of gravy. Your representative is so fat, her trip to Japan was cut short when the Japanese military started attacking her. Your representative is so fat, the Kool-aid Lobby donates money when she wears red.

Best of Double the U You keep staring at my necklace and smiling, you must really admire the necklace.

Best of Jay Guevara "I'm glad you found another gig. I really thought you'd score a lot better in the NFL Combine, but those other linemen were tough."

Best of Submariner Sorry, Debby. I already promised Subby I'd go to the prom with him...

Monday, April 23, 2007

2. "Hey, Hill', one of your lab animals got out of the dissection room again!"

3. "FINISH HIM!"

4. "Watch this, over the shoulder, nothing but net!"

5. "Hey, one of those NAMBLA guys left this in the Lincoln Bedroom."

6. "No, I ordered the two Big Macs and Extra Large Fries. This must be Hillary's lunch."

7. "The 'Clinton Library Fund' needs $1 million. Have you ever seen a kid with shaken baby syndrome? It ain't pretty."

8. "You do have a point, Mr. Carr. If they can't talk, they sure as Hell can't blab."

9. "They were cleanin' out the drains at NARAL and look what they found!"

10. "No, Al Gore, this one won't 'git in your belly' either."

Best of metalgarth Lessee… He’s 2 years old. That means he was conceived 'round summer of 2004. He’s got blue eyes, blonde hair… Nope, can’t be mine. I was going through my ‘Wild Asian Mama’ period back then.

Best of The Man Ahh no hair, few teeth, can't understand a damn thing they say...reminds me of being single in Arkansas.

Best of Rodney Dill "Naw this one ain't mine, his pee pee's too small."

Best of Double the U Ohhh, hey there little guy, I see you have some spit up on your little shirt, well Uncle Billy knows a thing or two on how to get stains out of clothing.

Best of Zeke Yes This clone will do, prepare for the transfer.

Best of Rodney Dill "Hey Hill, get some root beer, I wanna make a baby float."

Best of andthenblammo! "One more cootchy-cootchy out of you, Bubba, and you're headed for the corn field........"

Best of 2spothipshot "I know this is your gig Hil, but can I be there when the commandos storm in to take him back to 'his dad' in Iran ?"

Best of Submariner Bill surveys the "surprise" Chelsea brought home from college...

News Item: Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who resigned in disgrace amid allegations of corruptions both fiscal and personal (he cheated on his wife with a man and appointed his unqualified boyfriend as state director of homeland security) will be teaching Ethics at Kean University in Union, NJ.

4. Rex suddenly realized that if he was going to realize his dream of being the only human being alive to have performed "I'm a little teapot" on the highest point of all five continents, he was going to need four bullets.

5. Deprived of their leader dogs by bigoted Muslim cabbies, the five blind travelers were soon lost and far from Minneapolis.

Best of Double the U Freeze tag is so much easier when they are all lined up and the air is thinner.

Best of The Man How do you get the Kennedy's down a mountain? "LLLAAASSSTTT CAAAALLLL"

Best of Jack Reacher "We all stepped in dog poo simultaneously? What are the odds?"

Best of curly “…and here’s the 40 acres that my idiot husband Bill blew our life savings on just before the real estate bubble burst.”

Best of Silhouette Next on the X-Games: EXTREME Hokey Pokey.

Best of Rodney Dill The faithful concocted elaborate pastimes to while away the time until Godot arrived.

Best of Targetpractice The Ministry of Silly Walks goes on vacation.

Best of Adjustah Angela Lansbury's last will and testament had some unusual requests...

Best of metalgarth The gay version of "Middle Aged Political Lust Mamas in Trouble" made far less in DVD sales than the original.

Best of Jack Reacher "Walk with me, Al. I can get you into Livonia, no problem."

Best of Rodney Dill Sharpton: "Run, Forrest, Run."

Best of Double the U Can I be part of the "Justice Brothers" Al? Please, I am a really good lawyer, please let me be part of the Justice Brothers...please?

Best of curly “To me, waterboarding would mean going from wash-wash-rince to wash-rinse-wash.”

Best of Submariner Take me now and call me Shehag...

Best of 2spotlefty "Hey Sharpie baby, could ya spare a good ol' boy some a that Nivea? I'm gettin' a little ashy over here."

Best of 2spothipshot "Okay, here's the keys to my baby. Now remember, don't buff it out too hard and it's the boysenberry air freshener this time, not you guys watching 'Boys in the Hood' on my DVD player ! You got me son ?"

Best of TC "Where's Billy Crystal and the damn contract for this guy to play for Issaih's Knicks?"

Best of Silhouette He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.

Best of Jonathan Now playing for the Lakers: Kareem Abdul-Jihad.

Best of Rodney Dill "Why you call me Chewie?"

Best of GOP & College Surgeon General's Warning: Volunteering as an armrest may stunt your growth.

Best of 2spotlefty "...Yes,the apple will be here,where my fist is and my comrade,'Lefty',will be over there with his RPG...Hey, where'd he go ?"

Best of 2spothipshot Sandblasted teeth and eyeballs?:Free A developed love of goatsmilk?: Nada Waking up with Camelspiders?: $0 Working with a man giant who can cradle you in his arms and rock you to sleep while "Bombs burst in (the) air"? Priceless!

"Hey, Boris, let's feed him to the silicone chick with the huge lips."

Some U.S. attorneys, after being fired by the Bush administration, required assistance exiting the premises.

Best of Submariner Just tell Grandma you missed dinner because you were at the Gulag. She'll understand... or else.

Best of Silhouette Despite concerns from critics that its use constitutes disproportionate response and will only escalate the cruelty, the US Army is seen here unloading a LawyerBot for deployment. "Unlike predator drones, these suckers have no heart, no control, they will NOT stop," complained Sunshine McGee from Students Against...Whatever, or SA...W.

Best of Dickey Swollenz In the year 2012, annual trips to the gynecologist will be madatory and enforcement will be strict, thanks to HillaryCare.

Best of Van Helsing Thanks to his lunch at Taco Bell, a single blast soon sent the soldiers sprawling.

Best of Occasional Reader According to Russian Interior Ministry tradition, the fingerless black glove is given to the riot cop who has drawn "package pushing" duty for the day.

4. "Cool! You can see all the blogs from here. Gross! Van Helsing posted another Hillary pic. Cool pic of Cthulu at Ace, though."

5. "Another week or two of this and we'll move into the next phase of our relationship... stalking."

Best of The Great Satans Sr Intern When my tax refund comes in I can buy my own HD TV.

Best of Jack Reacher Billy had one job at the meth house; watch for the fuzz, and he didn't intend to let Uncle Jay down.

Best of snarky one Ron Weasley found that his Omniculars could see more than just Quidditch, and the slo mo and replay features were just bonuses. The girls' showers would never be the same. Now if Harry would only give up the invisibility cloak...

Best of The Great Satans Sr Intern Last time I will ever rent midget porn.

Best of curly “The Lilliputians have just elected Dennis Kucinich as their leader!”

Best of Cybrludite Livin' the "Ace Of Spades Lifestyle" After this, I'm going to get hopped up on Value-Rite vodka & murder some bums.

Best of Rodney Dill On a leer day you can peek forever.

Best of Submariner Yes, Mistress Pelosi, I think I might have seen a glimmer of integrit... never mind - dirty optics. Sorry.

5. "In Cuba, when they run out of nitroglycerine tablets, they give you Tic-Tacs!"

6. "I warned you not to look into Hillary's eyes, little boy. It's like opening the Ark of Covenant."

7. "Welcome to Venezuela, Mrs. Thomas."

8. Maybe Meg Ryan is getting a little long in the tooth for romantic comedies.

9. "Congratulations, it is said that whoever can pull the giant Black Menetrator out of my ass is the rightful Commandante Supremo Maximo of Global Socialism."

10. "So, what was it like banging Anna Nicole?"Best of metalgarth A photo from Carl Carlson's photo scrapbook shows Bumblebee Man (out of costume) and Hans Moleman goofing around with the Microphone Homer gave Bart way back in 1991.

Best of Rodney Dill "Shutup Dad, I was only 5 at the time."

Best of The Man "I haven't held something this black and hard since my days in the Venezuelan navy"

Best of jeff So that's where Jimmy Durante went to!

Best of The Great Satans Sr Intern Yes we have a old age retirement system ,I will contact you when you qualify.

Best of Double the U Well old man Venezuela's bureaucratic over burdened health care system can't afford to take care of you, you shall be dead within the week. Love live the young slaves of the state!

Best of curly "It still smells of sulfur: either Dad had a burrito for lunch, or George Bush came by for a visit.”

Best of Submariner The Courtship of Hugo's Father-Figure...

Best of Submariner Hugo thanks Jimmah Cahtuh for his endorsement of proper election results in Venezuela.

Best of Rodney Dill Howard Cosell greets Hugo on his arrival in hell.

Best of Submariner Seriously, Adolpho - do your "Gavin Newcum" impression and deep throat that mic...

Best of Double the U Chevez opens up the first S.A.M.B.L.A. to the delight of many old men looking for young South American boys to love.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Just a note. I'm running really short on material this week. So, anything you can send toward vikingthekitten-atch-comcast-dotch-net would be appreciated. (This means you, Brenda, Timmeh, AM42 and especially you, Dwight.)

Don't me break out Timmeh's naked bicycling pics!

Update: Thanks everybody. I'm good for the week, but by all means, if you see something sick, twisted, or freakishly hot, let me know.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

1. "Hey! Who do you have to f**k to get more Jesus Juice around here... Oh, never mind."

2. Later, the two drunken little girls kicked Keith Olbermann's ass.

3. "I gotta keep drinking until you look good, you nappy-headed ho."

4. "Hey, if you saw what Mr. Miyagi was going to Ralph Macchio's ass, you'd need to drink, too."

5. By adding trailer park backdrops and culturally-sensitive props, Wal-Mart doubled its baby portrait business.Best of jeff "In toddler taste tests, MGD was spit up 50% less often that Carlsberg..."

Best of Jack Reacher Children of U.S. attorneys fired by the Bush administration slip into despair.

Best of Rodney Dill SOTG and Submariner started bonding together long before the invention of the caption contest.

Best of Silhouette They can barely walk and fall down a lot, they spit up, you can't make out what they're saying, they tend to wet themselves... but enough about Congressional Democrats...

Best of Double the U Quit crying and keep drinking before she gets back or we'll have to watch Mr. Rogers sober.

Best of sixdegreesofblondness Ron White and a playmate.

Best of prince of leaves "Yeah, well, you'd drink too if you had to face that creepy Russian playground equipment every day at playtime."

Best of Son Of The Godfather ORA: Mortimer and Randolph Duke iron out their future(s).

Best of the paperboy She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.

Best of Double the U Sad part is the bottles of beer have less alcohol then the mother's breast milk.

Best of Submariner Woody Allen resorts to new tactics for finding his newest wife.

Best of Rodney Dill Hillary's village was okay, but Teddy's kicks ass!

Best of attmay "Jim Henson's The Days of Wine and Roses Babies" never made it past the pilot stage.

"Get it? It's a breathylizer hooked up to Teddy's car! Heh-heh-heh! Geez, Dick, you used to have a sense of humor."

The other end of the cable is attached to a stationary bicycle, pedaled maniacally by Sped Begley, powering the car in an eco-friendly manner. Unfortunately the car can't go any farther than the cable.

Confound it, just how do you siphon the juice outta this here kinda car.

"But where do ya put the f'in corn?"

Ok Mr. President, you just plug it in, you don't have to keep making the "Vrooom, Vrooom" sounds.

1. "You call that a gag reflex," sniffed Sullington. "I once deep-throated an entire submarine. Not the crew, the actual submarine."

2. "We hypnotized him to think the microphone is Barack Obama's left nut. Next, he clucks like a chicken."

3. When the robot invaders from planet 2 attacked San Francisco, the mayor appeased them in the time-honored, Castro Street tradition.

4. Off-screen, right, and lower, the crew from channel 4 was making the mayor 'airtight.'

5. As part of the 'Safe Sex Drive,' Gavin Newsom shows how to put on a condom.

Best of The Man Mr. Newsom, Barney Frank is on the line, he really...really wants to talk to you.

Best of Double the U With Nancy Pelosi in the Middle East Mayor Gavin takes over the duties of sucking off the media.

Best of Submariner Gavin lost further credibility with his constituency when he gagged on only 1 microphone...

Best of Submariner I'm in training - once I can handle all 4 major networks at once, I'm heading for Avalon Manor...

Best of prince of leaves Bearded Guy: "Why couldn't it have been me, Gavin? Why? Why???"

Best of Son Of The Godfather "Mr.Mayor, how to you plan to appease the Islamofascists when they take control?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather ORA: "Let me explain to you the kind of man Gavin is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's c*ck in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that c*ck right in his mouth."

Disclaimer

All copyrighted images appearing on this site are used in compliance with the Fair Use provisions of United States copyright law covering non-commercial use of copyrighted images. Image use is also protected under the Fair Use exemption for editorial, satirical, and parody work as determined by the United States Supreme Court in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. (1994) All captions are fictional, and do not reflect the activities, lifetyle, attitude, or statements of any person depicted in the image. Except Andrew Sullivan.