I don’t want to but I will

I wanted to write an intro leading to this… but I need some blogging therapy now.

I have an ED. An eating disorder. On and off for many many years I have suffered and celebrated, bought into and recovered from a bipolaric relationship with food and my body. I hate it so much that I wish we never met and love it so much that I can’t let go. I thought I had recovered to a point where there’s no looking back… and then nights like this turn up seemingly unexpected.

I sit here hungry, unsure what to do. My therapist would tell me I know exactly what to do. She is brilliant. Has taught me everything I need to know about how to recover. She thinks I know exactly what to do. And I do! I have the knowledge. I know I shouldn’t let myself get this hungry. I know that I shouldn’t be restricting. I know I shouldn’t be counting the calories I just burnt exercising. This is buying into the disorder.

I am avoiding family right now. I had an amazing party weekend away and have come home. I feel the drop in excitement like shot put to mud. No No NO NO NO! But that’s another problem, for another day.

I need inspiration. I need some motivation to want to recover.

I want… to want to.

So… while I don’t want to, I will now go grab a cracker or two until I do want to recover.