Take Precautions When You Get Kinky – Or Someone Might Assume the Worst

Once I embraced my submissive self and the world of BDSM, specifically Dominance and submission, I sort of fell into it. I understood quite clearly (and still do) that everything is about consent, and as long as that’s in place, whatever else happens between John Brownstone and myself is okay. But that doesn’t make me oblivious to the world around me.

BDSM Sounds Bad from the Outside Looking In

While I firmly believe in minding my own business and letting people live the lives they want, the truth of the matter is that much of BDSM looks and sounds, at best, weird and freaky, and at worst, dangerous and scary to an outside observer. In reality, if a total stranger heard what goes on when Daddy spanks my ass or pinches my nipples until I cry, they’d think the worst. If you didn’t know how anything about BDSM, wouldn’t you?

It all sounds bad.

“Please, Daddy, don’t!”

“Ohhhh, Daddy, you’re hurting me!”

“SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!”

I get off on it, and when I’m saying “No” I don’t really mean it. If I mean it, I’ll say “red” as that’s my safeword. But I can’t have a reasonable expectation that random people will hear that and understand what’s happening. If they’re squarely in the vanilla category, they might not even know what BDSM is.

Regardless of everything I share in this space, I’m actually a very private person. I don’t really want the world at large to know my secrets or about my sex life. If I did, I’d use my real name. I know there are kinksters who want to (and believe they should be able to) be out and proud about their kinky selves. In theory, I agree. Admitting to living the BDSM lifestyle shouldn’t be automatic reason to lose your job, lose your children, or be ostracized by society.

We Can’t Force Acceptance

If I could wave my magic wand, I’d cure my discomfort at using the term “Daddy” for anything outside the kink world. To me, John Brownstone is my Daddy. It’s not a title. It’s who he is. To call him by his first name or refer to him as my “boyfriend,” feels unnatural. But I’m not comfortable making other people uncomfortable – or dealing with questions and looks that come with a grown woman calling a grown man “Daddy.” (Yes, I wish I could get over it but it hasn’t happened yet.)

That being said, even if I magically started calling him “Daddy” in public, I’d still be very aware that not everyone is going to “get” the BDSM stuff we do. Hearing a woman beg for someone to stop hitting her or whatever it may be is going to raise alarm bells. I think the vast majority of kinksters get this concept.

If I could, I’d educate every vanilla person out there that they shouldn’t rush to judgement, that consent and communication are at the heart of BDSM, that they should stop and ask if everything is okay before calling 911. But I’m also a realist. If you thought someone was being hurt or abused, would you wait around? What if you couldn’t get to the person and only heard what sounds like abuse through the walls?

We Know the Reality in BDSM

Yes, as kinky freaks, we know the reality. We know it’s not all rough, harsh sex. We know that it’s about deciding our roles in a situation, or with D/s, in a relationship, and playing out sexual fantasies. Being tied up, gagged, and used harshly isn’t ugly and horrible as long as there’s consent. Following commands isn’t degrading or setting back women as long as both parties consent and stay safe.

Showing the world that you can be a strong, proud woman (or man) as well as a submissive or bottom is something to strive for. Teaching the world that Dominants and tops aren’t control-freak assholes is a worthy goal. (For the record, they’re often control freaks and only assholes to those they don’t like.) We’re not damaged. Not all of us were traumatized as children. We’re not pedophiles, abusers, or any other horrible term used to describe us. Or, as one person used to search the internet “why are BDSM people such assholes.” They came across my site. Must have been a surprise for them.

Be Careful When You Play

I’m a proud kinkster. I love everything about BDSM from the kink to the education I’ve received in fetishes, acceptance, and communication. But I think we also need to be realistic. Living the BDSM lifestyle shouldn’t make us criminals or outcasts in society but we should also understand that some of what we do looks and sounds violent. We can’t expect every vanilla person to assume we’re having kinky sex. Be aware of your surroundings and take precautions when you play. Know who’s around you, and if you can be heard. (Hint: if you can hear your neighbors, they can hear you. Just sayin’.)

We can do our best to educate the world around us and open their eyes to new possibilities, but it’ll never be 100 percent. There’s no need to get a knock on your door from the police simply because you didn’t think about who might be able to hear you.

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

5 Comments

Excellent words. Knowing your surroundings is important. I’ve played in a hotel before and while the danger heightened my aroysal, it also made me extra careful. I’m not sure BDSM practices will ever be fully understood and I think that’s okay. It’s fringe behavior for a reason. Not for everyone.

A good reminder that, now that summer’s here and windows are open, it’s time to make sure the ball gag’s ready to use at a moment’s notice instead of hiding at the bottom of the toy bag (which is where it ALWAYS is when you realize mid-scene, “Things are about to get loud.”)

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