Brian's Blog

Monday, January 09, 2006

115 rules

After seeing Wedding Crashers again over break, I found 115 official rules for wedding crashing. Enjoy

Rule #1 - Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own. Rule #2 - Never use your real name. Rule #3 - When crashing an Indian wedding, identify yourself as a well-known immigrant officer or a county lawyer. Rule #4 - No one goes home alone. Rule #5 - Unknown, In the movie he says rule number 5, then says, you are an idiot. Rule #6 - Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms. Rule #7 - Blend in by standing out. Rule #8 - Be the life of the party. Rule #9 - Whatever it takes to get in, get in. Rule #10 - Invitations are for pussies. Rule #11 - Sensitive is good. Rule #12 - When it stops being fun, break something. Rule #13 - Bridesmaids are desperate - console them. Rule #14 - You're a distant relative of a dead cousin. Rule #15 - Fight the urge to tell the truth. Rule #16 - Always have an up-to-date family tree. Rule #17 - Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night. Rule #18 - You love animals and children. Rule #19 - Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it. Rule #20 - The older the better, the younger the better (see Rule below) Rule #21 - Definitely make sure she's 18. Rule #22 - You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime. Rule #23 - There's nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there's enough women to go around. Rule #24 - If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run. Rule #25 - You understand she heard that but that's not what you meant. Rule #26 - Of course you love her. Rule #27 - Don't over drink. The machinery must work in order to close. Rule #28 - Make sure there's an open bar. Rule #29 - Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again. Rule #30 - Know the playbook so you can call an audible. Rule #31 - If you call an audible (a tactic where the quarterback decides to change the play at the line of scrimmage before the snap by calling additional signals) always make sure your fellow Crashers know. Rule #32 - Don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse. Rule #33 - Never go back to your place. Rule #34 - Be gone by sunrise. Rule #35 - Breakfast is for closers. Rule #36 - Your favorite movie is " The English Patient ". Rule #37 - At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher. Rule #38 - Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up. Rule #39 - The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor. Rule #40 - Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you're "sweet." Rule #41 - Never hit on the bride -- it's a one way ticket to the pavement Rule #42 - Try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun. Rule #43 - At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing. Rule #44 - Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after. But don't talk about it. Rule #45 - Always remember your fake name! Rehearse it in advance and make sure you know your fellow Crasher's code-name as well! Rule #46 - The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don't sully them by "improvising." Rule #47 - You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church. Rule #48 - Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiancée. Rule #49 - Always work into the conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?" Rule #50 - Be pensive! It draws out the "healer" in women. Rule #51 - Always pull out in time. Rule #52 - Tell any woman you're interested in that you'd love to stay put but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today. Rule #53 - It's time to put your Drama Lessons in practice! Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you're "sensitive." Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if necessary. Rule #54 - Avoid virgins . They're too clingy. Rule #55 - If pressed, tell people you're related to Uncle John. Everyone has an Uncle John. Rule #56 - Don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up. Rule #57 - When seeing a rival Crasher, do not interact - merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on. Rule #58 - The Ferrari 's in the shop. Rule #59 - If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield. Rule #60 - No "chicken dancing" - no exceptions. Rule #61 - When crashing out of state, request permission from the local Wedding Crasher chapter. Rule #62 - No more than two weddings a weekend. More and your game gets sloppy. You'll also attract unwanted notice. Rule #63 - Bring an extra umbrella when it rains. Courtesy opens more legs than charm. Rule #64 - Always save room for cake. Rule #65 - When your crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island. Rule #66 - Smile! You're having the time of your life. Rule #67 - Mix it up a little. You can't always be the man with the haunted past. Rule #68 - Dance with the Bride's grandmother. Rule #69 - No sex on the altar. Confessionals, okay. Chair lofts, better. Rule #70 - Two shutouts in a row? It's time to take a week off. Ask yourself: what is it that is getting in the way of my happiness? Rule #71 - Research, research, research the wedding party. And when you are done researching, research some more. Rule #72 - Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints - small cost, big yield. Rule #73 - Keep interactions with the parents of the bride and groom to a minimum. Rule #74 - In case of emergency, refer to the rulebook. Rule #75 - Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up. Rule #76 - No excuses. Play like a champion. Rule #77 - Carry extra protection at ALL times. Rule #78 - The unmarried female rabbi - is she fair game? Of course she is. Rule #79 - The tables furthest from the kitchen always get served first. Rule #80 - Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life. Rule #81 - Occasionally bring a gift - you're getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender. Rule #82 - Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you'll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind. Rule #83 - Don't let the ring bearer bum your smokes. His parents may start to ask questions. Rule #84 - Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder. Rule #85 - Don't use the "I have two months to live" bit - not cool, not effective. Rule #86 - Shoes say a lot about the man. Rule #87 - Always choose large weddings. More choice. Easier to blend. Rule #88 - You're from out of town. ALWAYS. Rule #89 - Know something about the place you say you are from, whether be from another US state or another country. Texas is too-played out. For some reason, England, Germany or even New Hampshire seem to work. Master the accents convincingly, and you've nailed them! Rule #90 - Of course you dream of one day having children. Rule #91 - Never dance to "What I Like About You." It's long past time to let that song go. Someone will request it at every wedding. Don't dance to it. No matter how hot the girl. Rule #92 - Tell the bride's friends and family that you are family of the groom and visa-versa. Rule #93 - Only take one car. You never know when you'll need to make a fast escape. Rule #94 - Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors. Rule #95 - Try not to show off on the dance floor. This means you Jeremy. Rule #96 - Etiquette isn't old-fashioned. It's sexy. Rule #97 - Catholic weddings - the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony - horny girls. Rule #98 - The newspaper Wedding Announcements are your racing form. Choose carefully. Rule #99 - Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best. Rule #100 - Save the tuxes for "the big show" only. Rule #101 - Avoid women who were psychology majors in college. There is no kind of woman more clingy and persistent than a psychologist investigating your story later on. Rule #102 - No periwinkle colored ties, please. Rule #103 - Always have an early "appointment" the next morning. Rule #104 - Be well groomed and well-mannered. Rule #105 - Never cockblock a fellow Crasher. Cockblocking an invited guest--okay. Rule #106 - Eat plentiful, digest your food. You'll need the energy later. Rule #107 - Know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating. Rule #108 - Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around. Rule #109 - Always carry an assortment of place cards to match any wedding design. Rule #110 - Make sure your magic trick and balloon animal skills are not rusty. If the kids love it, the girls will too. Rule #111 - Never have sex with bride or groom's mother even if she is the hottest bombshell at the wedding. Just control yourself. Rule #112 - Have FUN! It's why you're there!!! Rule #113 - Don't look for opportunities; make them. Rule #114 - 3-4 months to wedding crash--funerals are year round! Rule #115 - Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Thanksgiving break

As one CH once said, "Take me home!" I wouldn't use any other inebriated inspired phrase at this point to describe what I'm feeling. I'm ready to get back to Cleveland to see everyone and get a level head once again. All I need to say is that I'll see most of you all in the bunker...later!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Yeah, so the OPD have my memory card because I witnessed a crime...so for the time being I can only take 13 pictures/night with the back up card I have...but I guarantee that they will be the best 13 pics of the night. So you all stay classy and I'll talk to you later.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Destin revisited

I just posted some pics from the Destin and I couldn't help but think about the numerous events that happened. So here's a recap for those that were there, and and those that weren't.

-Mags gets stung by a jellyfish the first day we're there.-We see a shark the first day we're there.-Bruno gets quite possibly the worste sun burn on his feet that anyone has ever seen.-Dustin finds out how good the Amber Boch really is.-Kevin gets down with some 40 something ladies at AJ's.-Dustin & I get arrested for public intoxication and spend a night in jail.-Kevin drank for about 48 hours.-The Walkers met with their 1st defeat.-Orange Day.-Fun on the roof.-Chris slept in the closet all week.-We cought crabs...the good kind.-New friends from Auburn.-Pompano Joe's.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

WTF

What a night. I honestly don't know what to make of it. I have never drank this much but I still feel fine. I got home and counted 17 tabs, but then found 3 more on my chair after i got up...so yeah. Tonight was crazy. But I still feel like it could've been better. It's only 2:00am and I'm turning in! Should I be uptown at this point? Yes. And tomorrow I plan on being at Top Deck for the majority of the night...after playing Drink-O of course. So I guess I'll turn in for the night. Hope everyone had a productive night. CH, you know what I'm talking about. Later.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Miami

So, we finally got some internet action today. But I don't feel like posting much. We have a house as most of you all know, and I still have to sort all of the pictures from Destin. I'm thinking that they'll be done and on a cd by Thanksgiving break. That is all for now.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Cuatro de Mayo

So the time has finally come. You know the one I'm talking about. It's that ripe old age where drinking in public is no longer something to stress about. It's that age where you no longer have to rely on older siblings to purchase alcohol for you. It's that age where you look forward to turning 25 so you can rent a car. Most importantly it's that age where you can keep a case of Natty in your fridge at home without getting in trouble. One week and I will be 21, and in one week I will be taking a final...and then two the next day...and then one the day fter that. So basically what I'm getting at is I won't be able to fully appreciate my 21st until I get home. That's the good news for all of you. You have probably heard about it already, but if you didn't I'm having my 21st party around the 14th of May (everyone is invited). I assume most everyone will be back by that time. I figure since Dan & I share a b-day and Hill's is on the 14th, we'll have a joint party or something like that. I can't supply any alcohol to minors though, because I am after all a responsible adult...jk. Beer for everyone! I only have a couple expectations: Bruno doesn't try to out-drink Hill in a case race, Kevin and I walk somewhere, and Hill gets crazy drunk (TAKE ME HOME!!!). Ya, so I think that's about it. Let me know if you're coming or not so I can get a sense of how much beer I'll need to acquire. Later kids.