“Mr. Speaker, when I stood in this House last year, denying any knowledge of what transpired between Mr. Wright and Senator Duffy, I was hallucinating. The hallucinations began while I was speaking and that I tried not to panic because there were “Liberals around me.” In fact, Mr. Speaker, and let me be clear, I hallucinated that angels were entering the House, riding on winged unicorns with faces that looked like that of the Honourable Leader of the Opposition.”

“What happened that day, I saw angels coming into the House from behind the curtains … I started realizing that the problem is here. And the problem, I don’t know how will it manifest itself. Sometimes I get violent. Sometimes I will see things chasing me.”

“I was in a very difficult position,” Mr. Speaker. “And remember that the other people in the House, the Leader of the Third Party and Elizabeth May, they were growing tails, and again, there were Liberals around me. If I started panicking I’d embarrass my party.”

“So, Mr. Speaker, now that I am on a new course of meds, I can finally come clean about my knowledge of the Duffy affair and tell Canadians that yes, I did authorise the payment from Mr. Wright to Mr. Duffy. I will hereby resign as Prime Minister and the Leader of the Conservative Party of Canada.”