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Harley Davidson: How to Be a True Harley Rider [Satire]

There are 2 kinds of Harley riders out there. The ones who take out their Harleys on the weekends, trying to become what they most fear. And the others, the true Harley bikers out there! The first kind is generally that doctor, lawyer, accountant, or professional struggling his mid-life crises who the folks at Harley’s marketing team schemed into buying something they don’t even want. And the other one’s the true Harley rider. The one who’s a patriot like no other. The kind whose exhausts don’t give out fumes, but stripes and stars! Here’s how you become one of them!

1. Hygeine, what?!

You’ve got first get rid of that nasty habit of taking a bath daily. Once a week is just MORE than enough. Soap and shampoo, what? Is a real American hero ever THAT clean? Bad asses steer clear of anything that can smell good. Whether that’s your eucalyptus-scented body wash, or any decent cologne.

2. Hang ’em up!

Want to be comfortable on your bike? Okay, go join the band of sissies then. A real Harley biker has his seat and handles positioned such that backache is just an understatement for them. It’s just one of those things that gives them their grimace. What makes them mean. What makes them badass! Be so in pain that you get so angry that nobody ever makes the mistake of taking you lightly.

3. Chrome it up!

Ohh, so you thought a subtle matt black bike is going to make you a Harley biker? Any fool can buy one of those things. What are you, even? Some slick model on a fashion catalog? When real men show up somewhere, the world around them knows it. And how do they know it? By all the blinding and glare they get in their eyes, when that badass comes riding his all chromed-up Harley-Davidson!

4. Helmet? Only for show!

So, some sissy at the mall told you that you need to get a top-of-the-line full-faced helmet to protect yourself out on the road. Well, maybe you should. You are no real man. Real men don’t need anything to protect themselves. Not even a helmet. Sure, you can knock a half helmet, that’s basically a hardened skull cap to add some of those skulls above your head. But, something that covers your long badass beard is totally out of the question!

Now you know. Even if you aren’t a real badass, you can at least pretend to be, once you get your game up, with this!