Local News Update:

Out-Of-Kingdom Girlfriend Unsubstantiated

Southern Wastes, Trimaris - Depsite his rigorous insistance, Lord
Aethelmertz Hozenoffer has been unable to substantiate his ongoing
claim that he has a girlfriend in An Tir, sources in the barony say.

Ever since September, Aethelmertz has been telling friends that he
is involved in a long-distance relationship with "Guenivere de
Villanova," an alleged An Tir apprentice. According to Aethelmertz,
he and Guenivere met last August at Pennsic at the "Men Without Pants"
Party.

Lord Andrew McPheeley, Aethelmertz's best friend and squire brother, said
he has long doubted the girlfriend-having claims. His suspicions raised,
Andrew grilled Aethelmertz on the subject. "I asked him if he had any
pictures of Guenivere," Andrew said. "He said he'd asked Guenivere for one
a bunch of times, but she hadn't sent one yet."

The next day, Aethelmertz produced a framed picture of an attractive young
lady in a cotehardie. "She was pretty much like Aethelmertz described her,
which freaked me out," Andrew said. "Still, it was kinda weird that he got
a picture in the mail the day after I asked him about it."

Doubts continue to grow, as Aethelmertz and Guenivere failed to see each
other over the Christmas holidays. Aethelmertz said Guenivere couldn't come
here because she didn't get any time off from college for Christmas, since
they don't observe it in Canada -- at least not in the French-speaking parts
like Saskatchewan.

"I'm going to call the An Tir seneschal and ask if there's a Guenivere de
Villanova there," Andrew said. "If Aethelmertz is lying about this whole
thing and living in a pathetic fantasy world, that's his own deal, I guess.
But I've just gotta know. It's killing me."

When questioned by baronial webminister Eric Elfkiller about the alleged
An Tir lady love, Aethelmertz became defensive. "Of course Guenivere
exists," Aethelmertz said. "She just sent me this plaid token I'm wearing,
see? You're just jealous because I have an exotic An Tir girlfriend, and
you don't even have a Trimarian one."