Biff Malloy

Biff Malloy is the Head Duck Fighter of the American Mallard Response Agency, currently overseeing the duck-proofing of Washington, D.C. He was awarded the Iron Bill First Class for his efforts in stopping the San Francisco Duck Invasion of 2014.

Biff Malloy was born in Romania to a Gypsy couple named Andrei and Maria Malloy, in the middle of a vicious sandstorm. At the age of two, he was stolen from the Gypsies by two ruthless American peasants, and raised in the lawless wasteland of New Jersey. It was here that he developed a severe case of North Jersey English, an affliction that he would struggle with for the rest of his life. When Biff was ten, his parents were killed by a home invader, although Biff never found this out since they were in Romania, and Biff hadn’t seen them since he was abducted.

Two years later, Biff’s “adopted” uncle was killed in a freak pet shop explosion, leaving his vast pottery empire to his brother. Biff’s new family rocketed up in status, and Biff was sent to and graduated from the finest schools New Jersey had to offer. Armed with a high school diploma hand-written in crayon on single-ply toilet paper, Biff was able to get a job as a street sweeper. It was here that he developed impressive upper-body strength, a keen observational eye, and proficiency in advanced, military-grade weaponry.

Unsatisfied with his station in life, Biff decided that it might be cool to be a movie action hero, and so in the fall of 2011, he opted to move to Hollywood and try his luck. Unfortunately, he was never taught how to read a map, and so he wound up in San Francisco instead. Upon arriving in the city, and realizing that he was almost 400 miles away from his destination, he is quoted as saying “Eh, good enough.”

Needing a place to live, Malloy searched far and wide for a roommate and eventually found one in Mark Logan (who, unbeknownst to him, was actually a time traveler from the year 4077). Logan and Malloy quickly became close acquaintances.

In the summer of 2013, Logan convinced Biff to go on a blind date with his “cousin” Christine Tanner, whom he had previously saved from a volcano, although she doesn’t remember it. Biff hesitantly agreed. The date did not go well, although the two did wind up boinking.