(Closed) Thinking about my ex? Confused!

I dated this guy, my first real boyfriend for 6 years. We broke up because he had some problems. He smoked pot all the time, cheated on me, and while he loved me , he just didn’t have his life together. I tried to make things work but I couldn’t so I ended it. He tried for over a year to get back together with me and I kept saying no, we weren’t right together and he needed help. Fast forward two years. I’m engaged to the perfect guy, everything I ever wanted and he treats me so great. But now the ex, has gotten treatment and is doing amazing. He has a new girlfriend of his own but I know he still loves me. We talk from time to time (nothing bad just friendly how are you doing type stuff) but he’s made it clear. And now I can’t stop thinking about him and wondering what if we tried again now that he has changed. My wedding is in six months and I don’t know what to do. I love my fiancé so much. We live together and he’s great but I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I don’t want to hurt him and end things but I can’t shake this “what if” feeling. Has anyone else ever gone through anything like this? Help!

You can never go back. I have thought about this on multiple occasions and it wouldn’t be the same. You have both changed as you have grown up and even though casual conversation seems like,you miss him and want him he is not the same person you were in love with.

@Anon513: Also, don;t forget, just because it looks on the outside like things have changed, doesn’t necessarily mean that they have. I had an ex like yours – we dated for 10 years from ages 14 to 24. When I finally got my life together and started to move on, he came back and said he had changed bla bla bla even though he had a gf. I didn’t fall for it, I stayed away (and I didn’t have an amazing FI at the time like you do). I found out very soon thereafter that he hadn;t changed at all and was cheating on his gf, and getting into all sorts of things (pills, etc). I’m not saying people can’t change, because they can (I have), but it’s the exception, not the rule.

It sounds like you definitely need closure. I want to say you should see him in person to just shut the door for good, but that could also end badly if the feelings come back when you see him. But honestly, if you’re not planning on acting on these feelings, worrying about thinking about your ex will only escalate it in your mind. It’s normal to remember your exes from time to time and occasionally think “Hm, wonder what would have happened if I had stayed with him?” But you’re only remembering the good parts of the relationship.

It sounds like you have a good thing right now with FH. Don’t taint it by romanticizing this past relationship. If he didn’t have his life together then, he probably doesn’t have the inner drive to achieve, and you would have to shove him to push himself. If he cheated then, he’ll cheat now. Maybe he stopped smoking pot, but the other issues don’t just go away.

2) I also started to worry because there were times that I would think alot about my ex. But I realized that I was doing it right when DH were hitting parts of our relationship where we were getting closer. I finally realized that thinking (idealizing) this other person kinda took away some of the scary stuff that comes out of getting closer and closer to someone (and Marriage, even to the best person for you, is scary) So now when I start to think about Ex, I smile because I know that I’m getting closer to DH.

@Anon513: I’ve been in the EXACT SAME situation. Once I finally hung out with my ex, I realised it was over for good. I had all these romantic ideas at first, but don’t let them fool you. If you are not wih him, there’s a reason. I thought that once my ex got through his personal issues, perhaps we would have a chance. You know what? If you were really in love, you would have gone through and supported him through his life. You didn’t (nor did I), and that means you the two of you were not meant to be. I’m guessing that if your FI started smoking pot, you’d make more of an effort to change things, etc, right?

Don’t let the “what could have been”s ruin your relationship. You’re freaking out a bit, and that’s normal. Just don’t put all those emotions onto your ex.

This is pretty common in the months leading up to a wedding – I’ve heard similar stories from so many people. It’s totally normal. Just remind yourself that you broke up with him for a reason and that you’re with a man now who didn’t need fixing to be a good partner. It’ll pass.

How long have you been engaged? Since getting engaged I frequently have dreams about my exes. I call it my Parade of Exes, haha. I just chalk it up to my mind trying to work out getting married and saying goodbye to my old life.

@Anon513: Ok my view on the “ex” thing has always been….yep, they change sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst…usually better though. The person you “loved” back then (even as messed up as they were) has changed and will NOT be the same person you “loved” back then. So really what is the point?