Okay, this is good. Finally – and I’m seriously happy about this – I could sleep until my alarm. This means I don’t have much time to think about Him or to write. I have to leave for work in 30 minutes. And – I did so good with today’s schedule – I won’t be back until at night. Trying to keep busy, busy, busy.

Anyway, bc He hasn’t texted yet, yeah I know
A) He’s sleeping
B) I shouldn’t text Him at all
still I’m feeling pretty stressed out and beat down.

This is literally like a fucking addiction. God, I hate Him for that. How could He get me hooked up this much? This has to be His fault as well… I know I let Him, but seriously… Who the fuck gets a girl to love you then when she’s really really really deep into it, wants her to STOP fucking loving?! Like it will work.. God…

It
is
fucking
HARD…

No vodka for me this morning, hardcore workout around 11, I have to be fully sober.

Wish me luck for today, I won’t be writing around late at night, maybe only after bf went to sleep…

Fuck… light panic attack again…

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

I’ve got this.

(Oh and JUST as I published this… BING – a heart on insta… God He is killing me…)

Technically it hasn’t been a day yet, but it’s past midnight so I’m gonna call this day 1.

Sad news is.. He won’t let me go that easy. We are talking right now and He is so sweet again… I can feel a panic attack coming, those cramps in my stomach… We used to play in this time. I removed Him from my friendlist, I couldn’t bare to see Him online. God I miss Him so bad.. He said he loves me. I … I just feel happy, now He gave me back hope..

I’ll try to be a good girl for Him, even though He wants me to stop. But you know, I can feel He’s addicted to me as well – right now I can feel it crystal clear.

{15 mins later}

I could fucking kill Him. Or I want Him to kill me… When I had sex with my boyfriend.. I tried to push Him back, close Him out, but He was there, I couldn’t focus on my boyfriend! How fucked up that is? His face keeps coming to my mind, I imagine Him being there, fucking me and it makes me horny! Yeah, I know it’s not good and I should do something, but that’s what I’m doing here, isn’t it? Trying to get everything back on track. To forget Him somehow…

[15 mins later]

I really should go to sleep, but my vodka is calling for me from my drawer. My secret stash, God, I can’t believe I went this low.. The other day I was drunk, like proper drunk before noon. There are at least 15 bottles around my coffee table and I’m drinking right now. It’s only a cider though. But imagine this. You wake up, 40-90 mins before your alarm and then your stomach starts to hurt like crazy from stress, from anxiety and from all the shit that’s going on what would you do? I can’t breathe! I’m hyperventilating and shits like this. I just… need to do something that calms me down. And alcohol does that.. for now.

I used to cut myself but I’m not doing that anymore. Never ever again. And I know drinking can’t stay either, but for now.. it helps just enough to keep me sane.

Alright, lets try sleeping. Night.

[20 mins later]

Ps.: Maybe you’re wondering how my boyfriend doesn’t notice things are seriously wrong with me.. well in his defense, he knows. He just can’t help me. I feel sorry for him, it was never my intention to hurt him. I love him, we gave so many good things to eachother… But infertility is a bitch and it takes a toll on a relationship.. may be that’s why I need/needed somebody else who makes me feel important. Fuck knows, I’m talking shit, gotta go to sleep….

Ah.. well I just had to touch myself.. I tried to hold it back, but I couldn’t… I was browsing through my phone and there were videos of Him… I moved them to a secure place but I had to watch them.. Ah how they turned me on.. Oh God… He is… Perfect!

I wonder if he still watches my videos and uses them… I hope he does.

Ah seriously girl, you have to stop this! Grrrr… I don’t even know whom I’m cross with.. Him or myself? Fuck I miss Him!

If you Dear Reader have any good advice how to let someone so important go, don’t keep it in please, I really need help here… It physically hurts! He did call me after gym, and He was so sweet… Sweetest of them all, ah… but somehow I’m fine now…

He was the man i was waiting for in my whole life.
I knew this when he first started to talk to me. I could hear it in his voice. He had everything I so desperately needed. All the things I pushed so far back, on the furthest hidden shelf of my mind. All the pain, the suffering… I knew he could give it to me
He was the man from my dreams.
And he wanted to hurt me.
I saw someone when I left the flat. Leaning, back to the wall, there he stood. This was the first time I saw him in the flesh. My heart was racing, beating so fast I thought it would explode within my chest My hands were trembling but I kept walking. I could see him coming after me, keeping his distance, step after step.. Now my whole body was shaking, I wanted to turn around, face him, but I couldn’t. It was not allowed. Another step. I’m almost there – I was thinking – “if I can get to the tram, I will be okay”. One more step. I knew he was still behind me, I could feel him right there.
I got to the station and took the first tram, I couldn’t even be bothered to check whether it was good for me or not. The doors closed and I couldn’t see him. Fuck, I wished he would be there though. My heart started to slow down finally, my hands weren’t shaking anymore. I was calm I thought when…
…My heart skipped a beat when I felt his warm breath on my neck… I got goosebumps all over my body, I couldn’t breathe. My whole body started to shake again. I wanted him! I wanted him to touch me!But of course he didn’t… He was just standing there, all calm and cold breathing steadily.
I stood before him, shaking, gasping for air and I could feel a warm wetness spreading between my legs. I wanted him to kiss my neck, to bite it, I wanted him to put his hand on my hips, I wanted him to grab me tight and firm, I wanted to feel his cock as it pushed to my back. No, no, no!! Shut up! I was terrified. I was afraid of him but I could feel my clit throbbing, blood pulsing as my heart beat even faster. I was blushing with tearful eyes, I didn’t know what was happening, my body was betraying me. Another rush of adrenaline came, it was hot, too hot… All of my nerve endings were on fire and I almost lost consciousness as I came harder than ever before. A teardrop rolled down on my cheek while I was holding my breath. By the time I dared to move, to look behind me, there was nobody there.
Maybe there never was.Maybe he wasn’t real at all.

I won’t tell you much right now. I’m 30. He’s older. We live in different countries. We met online and I fell for Him within a heartbeat. We found out pretty soon that we’re very very similar. I missed dominance from my life for so long and then I found Him. The perfect Master.

After a few weeks of texting we started to write our fantasies. I’ll post them one-by-one on every Thursday. I write as Chloe, he writes as John. We wanted to do a blog together, but lets just face it… It’s never gonna happen. So I might as well do it alone by myself. I’ll post His parts as well. We don’t have much bc of the things that happened, but I want you to see everything. Then the writing turned into talking and He was too good in it. He could make me come with His words only… I’ve never felt so intense orgasms before Him. It’s… how can I put this… If you are somebody familiar or experienced in BDSM you’ll know what I’m talking about. When you found your perfect match, your Master. When everything He says turns you on, makes you horny… Ah He has such an intense effect on me! God I have to stop…

So… I’m in a relationship of 2 years now. I was happy and in love before I’ve met Him. Then everything got redefined… Anyway. with my boyfriend we’re trying for a child for like.. how long is it? 18 months now… He has a child from a previous relationship and I’m taking it pretty hard. I’ll talk about this more later I think.

Besides these two man in my life I run a business which is dying currently and I’m not sure I can make it work. If it collapses I won’t have a job anymore and I won’t have anything to keep me in my country. My boyfriend wouldn’t come with me abroad bc of his kid.

I can’t let it collapse. I would move to His town… and nobody wants that…

Back to BDSM… I had a Master before.. he was… we were together for a very short period of time but it took a pretty big impact on my life. Have you ever had a relationship from which you just couldn’t get out regardless how hard you tried? It took me 2 years to forget that one and I’m afraid this current one will take even longer…

One more random fact for you to help you understand me… I was cutting up myself from age 8. That was my only way to deal with pain… Then at age 27 anorexia came, and after I got better and started to train I promised myself I’ll never hurt myself again. But since then.. well this is the first time I’m experiencing real stress and I don’t know how to cope. So I do know this is like almost the worst option, but I’ve started drinking to relieve stress… It’s working pretty good sadly. But I know I need to change this before it becomes a habit…

It’s settled.. I’m gonna do this. When I have cravings for Him, I will write. It usually helps. We talked this morning what I think was the last time. I’m gonna go with last time here. To make it easier for myself. I’m writing these lines while pouring down a vodka on my throat. It helps me relax. I had cramps in my stomach and panic attack lately because of Him. You know how love is.. It makes you go literally crazy. But with my past? And with His? It would have never worked. I know this, but you just can’t stop when you’re in love, can you?

I’ve tried to delete all His stuff – oh you don’t know the funniest thing yet! We’ve never met! In my browser there;s a page still open from His hometown… Fuck, I can’t do this!

[20 mins later]

He just texted me. I really should delete Him from everywhere, but I can’t. As I wrote earlier I’ve tried to delete His pics and vids but I couldn’t… not all of it at least. God this is so hard.

I’ve recorded my heartbeat for Him! I mean, seriously, who does that? God, I’m lost… I’ve never felt anything like this before and I have to give it up, for both of us sake.

I will post our background later.. Just so you know how things are.. sorry.. were with us.

His is my world, and I have to let Him go. My Master, my Friend, my Lover, the perfect Man from my dreams.

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Why I’m here

I won’t tell you much right now. I’m 30. He’s older. We live in different countries. We met online and I fell for Him within a heartbeat. We found out pretty soon that we’re very very similar. I missed dominance from my life for so long and then I found Him. The perfect Master.
But we have to end it and I need to forget Him somehow. This blog is my attempt to do so