Watchbore’s Watchspeak Dictionary of Devilish Definitions [May 2000]

OnSeptember 27, 2002

Watchbore’s Watchspeak Dictionary

of Devilish Definitions

May 2000

Introduction

Watchbore’s Watchspeak Dictionary of Devilish Definitions is the result of profound research into the language used by watch brands to describe their products. The author, a notorious mesmerist, has conducted an in-depth analysis of the many thousands of press releases, brochures, books and catalogues that constitute watchmaking’s unsung annual contribution to the paper and pulp industry, to bring you this seminal work of unique scholarship that rips apart the veil obscuring the sinister Mafia controlling the lucrative trade in highly addictive timepieces by exploring the hidden meanings behind the heavily coded words and expressions of their secret language. Falling into a deep coma induced by this ordeal and aided by a bottle of Albanian snake-oil (one part battery acid, three parts distilled roof thatch, one scorpion) the author has dreamed up an inspired insight into a subject of truly jaw-dropping tedium.

It is a work that will certainly inspire TimeZoners to add new words and definitions to this by no-means comprehensive lexicon. Watchspeak is, of course a constantly evolving language, and will no doubt be enriched by far more amusing or no less cynical contributions from the true connoisseur of eye-glazing trivia.

Complication, complicated watchmaking: A cost-saving packaging technique enabling several watchmaking products to be sold in a single box for a price far greater than the sum of their individual values.

Consumer: The livestock of the watch business. Divided into yield categories, consumers are most prolific between latitudes 30° and 50° north. Top-yielding consumer breeds are found in the United States, where genetically modified consumers are reportedly under development.

Contemporary: Last year’s trend. Also a watch that is indistinguishable from that of another brand.

COSC: A marketing consultancy of the Wilsdorf foundation with a monopoly on chronometer certification. COSC performs certain rituals on watch movements for a fee, transforming them into chronometers of much higher value.

Craftsman, master-craftsman: Manual laborer. A usually female machine-minder or worker doing a repetitive and unskilled work in a watch factory.

Craftsmanship: Superfluous manufacturing operations.

Creativity: The power to claim credit for other people’s work.

Diver’s watch: A massive watch worn by divers instead of a lead belt to procure negative buoyancy. Also a watch for people who can’t swim.

Elegant watch: A watch for older women.

Emotion: An advertising-induced state of suspended disbelief, displayed by consumers prior to the impulse purchase of a watch.

Engine-turned (dial): Die-stamped.

ETA: A terrorist organization flooding the market with a highly addictive automatic derivative.

Exclusive: Inclusive. An exclusive watch includes the owner in a consumer or a peer group of would-be stunt pilots, racing drivers or polar explorers.