If I am serving you and you are serving me, who is it that is being served?

Recently a man e-mailed to ask me the question, of how to love a woman. Likely, he was mixing me up with Dr. Ruth but I am a Dr. and I do have four letters in my name :) This article adventure is an intuitive journey through this question. Love has so many different meanings and depending on your experience and education it has many angles. Let's take the widest lens possible to turn love, love-making, and sex into sexual magic.

Level 1 : Provide a safe non-judgmental environment where she feels accepted and admired. If you are critical of her body, her habits or desires she will not be able to open up to you. It is human/animal nature to go into our shell and protect our soft, vulnerable, private parts. What you judge is what you haven't loved within yourself, so a judging person suggests someone with low self esteem and low self awareness which is also unattractive. Safety first.

Level 2: Know what it is she loves, needs and desires and provide it. If you can't accommodate it, then admit it and be willing to let her go to find it. Loving enough to let go is as honorable as loving enough to stay. With unconditional love like this, you win either way, securing her love with or without you. She may be aroused by a lotion, a potion, a large penis, nipple nibbling, sex talk, sweet smelling cologne, music, flowers, a poem or a heavy wallet. If you don't know her, how can you love her. How is it you find out her values? Ask her and observe her life and actions. It caresses the heart to know someone is thinking of you, appreciating you and caring enough to respond to your values. A malleable heart is one of the magic ingredients.

Level 3: Communicate your desires to her. If she knows that you like a particular sex position or action, she is likely to create it. Building a conversation about love-making is building love. Like you, she feels purposeful and secure to know she is able to pleasure her beloved like no other. Help her be your best lover.

Level 4: Be authentic. She may not always like what you say but it builds trust for her to know you will give her a straight answer. Q: "Honey do you like this dress?" A: " I'd like you in or out of any dress, but I prefer the red one". This reply is being sensitive, caring and honest. Being you, liberates her to be her.

Level 5: Humor. Women are emotional creatures. Nature sets it up this way I'm sure to help keep men awake to the phases of the moon ;) When times are tough, love her more by making her laugh. Don't be pulled into the drama. Ask her how you can help but be content to sit quietly and hold the space for her to find her balance. She may not need you to fix anything but simply to listen and hold her. Laughter in a sacred space is the best medicine.

Level 6: Honor her requests. I was coaching a lady who was getting repeated urinary tract infections due to doubling dipping in anal and vaginal sex. Her partner was ignoring her requests and dismissed his sexual pleasure as being the cause. Another case of a lady with a similar E.coli infection was hospitalized for weeks, likely arising from ingesting this bacteria in an anal/ oral dip combo. There is a reason for separate openings. Honor the order sequence that must be respected from the top down, front to back for good health. Certain sexual positions may be painful due to mechanical dysfunctions in the hips, knees or back so conversing about this and being sensitive to the parameters lays the foundations for amazing orgasms. Stop, look and listen.

Level 7: Spiritual sex. Sexual Magic, as the ancients called it, holds the mysteries of all creation. Creating energy not only on the physical plane but connecting with a universal power. These special rites of passage were preserved for the purest of mind and heart. Access is only possible for those who have met all the basic levels of love and wisdom mentioned above. Saying and believing the following statements helps you honor body, mind and spirit of you and your partner. I am safe. I am creative. I am strong. I am love. I am expressive. I am connected. I am divine.

Tantra involves the distillation and transformation of sexual essence into enlightenment. Egyptian Alchemy teaches high states of ecstasy strengthens the energetic body, unleashing serpent energy into all the body chakras and connecting up through the crown into a cosmic orgasm. The higher your combined vibration and consciousness, the greater the mysteries available to you. Treasures await those who have the courage to enter the depths of themselves and their partners. Tom Kenyon reports it requires an unusual type of holy trinity- mutual safety, psychological honesty and appreciation of the beloved.

Sexual magic begins in stilling the mind, hearing the heart, traveling through the body and connecting to divine. Training your mind to witness your rudimentary judgments and behaviors and integrating them into your divine nature is a fundamental step. In essence, this magic is reserved for high priests and priestess who know and honor their power in creation and that of their partner. It is a sacred act, a true communion of energies creating a vortex from sacral earth to crown of heaven. The best sexual position for this communion is for partners to align their chakras, pelvis to pelvis, face to face, eye to eye, heart to heart. To coordinate their breath as they together rise into a greater love. Holding and breathing through the physical human orgasm is the vehicle for higher expression. Sitting is likely the best position as you are then aligned earth to base and head to heaven but there are those of us who play within the horizontal plane. (It is my sense that an energy ground of a penis within a vagina closes the base circuit for a more powerful connection. Same sex couples may argue the opposite.)

I've written previous articles about sexual repressions and expressions...so to put this into a paradigm in which you may already be familiar, this channel is the mean between all extremes. The average of all, into the path of least resistance. Those surviving in a superficial world (of "wam bam thank you mam for your suck and f**K" ) may not have the courage or desire for this torturous journey. It is not for the faint-hearted. But for those who develop the patience, love and wisdom in the process and can endure the training, the rewards are simply divine.