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Born (dum-dum-dum-dum) deep in the heart of Texas, the future Attorney General was actually born Albertina Gonzales in 1966. (S)he spent an early childhood frustrated and disoriented, sentiments which helped to cement a raging, righteous Republican mentality.

At the tender age of 17, Albertina joined several other teenagers (including Hillary Clinton) and underwent a new medical gender-switching procedure. It was a success but left some residual traces (like that soft, girlie voice).

As Attorney General for George W. Bush, Gonzales did the jobs that no other Americans wanted to do. He worked hard at dodging questions and covering up misconduct. The labor was so intense it makes his back wet.

Line inspector in a chalupa meat packing plant. In all his time working for The Greatest President Ever when he was Texas' Greatest Governor, Alberto was never implicated in any scandal whatsoever, including the following:

Alberto is a true patriot. Liberals have been attempting to undermine our government using outdated, pre-9/11 ideas such as checks and balances, law, and the justice system. These obsolete notions are useful for attacking America, so liberals have kept George W. Bush and Jesus from doing away with them. They were especially useful to get Alberto in trouble for the politically-motivated firings of eight US attorneys. So, to protect himself, his country, and his President, Alberto banged his head on the wall, drank lead paint, and got some drugs from Rush Limbaugh so that he would not recall anything that the liberals could use.

In 2007, Alberto visited Congress twice in as many months to discuss issue of minor import. America-hating liberals who snuck into the chambers berated Alberto with questions about his job performance and other matters not of their business.

Alberto is a true conservative. For instance, he fired a bunch of RINOs, who were too sissy to prosecute Democrats, at his department just like we're supposed to do as Republicans, and replaced them with true conservatives and got bitched at by both those liberals and the RINOs in Congress that were afraid that THEY would be the ones getting fired by him next. Which would have been awesome.