What you are about to read is NOT real news. It is satire. Where possible we have provided links to the real stories/issues that inspire us at the bottom of each article.

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Friday, October 5, 2012

Invisibility Cloak: For All Your Testing Needs

Need to hide a few students for upcoming exams? Afraid your school's test scores will be dragged down by low-performing special education students? Certain the English Language Learners will fail to make annual yearly progress? Will students with poor attendance impact your whole school with their lousy test performance?

Invisibility Cloak (IC) can help.

IC uses a two-prong approach to optimize your student testing population. With our first approach, undesirable test-takers will be encouraged through a series of pre-written letters, engaging videos and scripted counseling sessions to leave your school using three different scenarios. Package A urges students to pursue their GED; Package B gently suggests students transfer to a different school; and Package C advises students to exercise the dropout option. You choose the package that is most convenient for you.

IC's second approach uses state-of-the-art software technology to make your undesirable students vanish. With a simple click of a button, up to four hundred problem-students will simply disappear from your school roster. And once they're gone, your school should have no problems generating the positive test scores needed to satisfy No Child Left Behind requirements. Of course, you can restore them after testing is complete.

Success guaranteed.

Testimonials:"IC is a life-saver. With just a small upfront investment, our school administrators were able to secure bonuses of more than $50,000 from the U.S. Department of Education because our test scores appeared to go up," - anonymous Texas principal.

"I wish they had offered this type of training a few years ago." - assistant principal Atlanta, Georgia.

"We all know it's a game and with IC's software, gaming the the system becomes child's play." - district superintendent, Florida.

Coming soon: On-line professional development course in how to help students pass high-stakes exams. Hear from our team of experts on optimal seating arrangement to facilitate answer exchange among students, when and where to host erasure parties and the effective use of hand signaling during multiple choice tests.

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About Us

Students Last was formed in response to the many ill-informed people offering untested and detrimental ideas into American education. We hope to encourage well-meaning (and otherwise) pundits and reformers to go away. We laugh to keep from crying.