I'm a writer, mostly of speculative fiction, living in rural Tasmania. I've got a rural GP wife and three small kids, and I keep a running commentary of life here so that when my kids are old enough to give a shit, they can read up and discover who their parents used to be.
I tried doing this on paper, but I sucked at it. So I tried doing it online with an audience. It worked.
May contain adult language and concepts. Deal with it.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I got an email the other day, and once I took it in, I loved it. Absolutely hilarious. I've reproduced it in full below. I've even left in the email address they cited for contact, in the hopes that ten zillion web-bots read this and spam them into despair. Probably won't happen, but it's nice to think so. The email:

This is to bring to your notice that we are delegated from the UnitedNations & Central Bank to pay 150 scam victims US$1,000,000.00 (ONEMILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) each. You are listed and approved forthis payment as one of the scammed victims to be paid this amount, getback to us as soon as possible for the immediate payments of yourUS$1,000,000.00 compensations funds.

On this faithful recommendations, we want you to know that during thelast U.N. meetings held at Abuja-Nigeria, it was alarmed so much by theworld in the meetings on the lost of funds by various individuals to theNigerian scam artists operating in syndicates all over the world today.In other to compensate victims, the U.N Body in conjunction with theNigerian Government is now paying 150 victims of these operationsUS$1,000,000.00 each in accordance with the U.N. recommendations.

Due to the corrupt and inefficient Banking Systems in Nigeria, thePayments are to be supervised by the 'United Nations' Officials and theCentral Bank of Kenya, as the corresponding paying bank is STANDARDCHARTERED BANK. Nairobi branch - Kenya. According to the number ofapplicants at hand, 114 Beneficiaries has been paid, half of the victimsare from the United States, and we still have more 36 left to be paidthe compensations of US$1,000,000.00 each.

Your particulars was mentioned by one of the Syndicates who was arrestedas one of their victims of the operations, You are hereby warned not tocommunicate or duplicate this message to him For any reason what so everas the U.S. secret service is already on trace of the other criminals.So keep it secret till they are all apprehended. Other victims who havenot been contacted can submit their application as well for scrutiny andpossible consideration. If you have already been notified of thispayment programme previously, do proceed with your claim as required.

As directed by the Global Settlement Committee, You can receive yourcompensations payments via any of this payment Options you may choose:(A.)CERTIFIED CHEQUE (B.)ATM CARD PAYMENTS (C.) WIRE TRANSFERS. Weshall feed you with further modalities as soon as we hear from you.

Now, there are a whole bunch of reasons to like this email. First, I absolutely love the fact that they're trying to get a second bite of the cherry. (This is, of course, yet another Nigerian Email scam. A 419, I believe they're called.) Clearly, they've reasoned that people who were stoopid enough to buy into the original scam will now be incredibly pissed off -- but no less stupid. In fact, the combination of stupid + angry in the world outside the 'Net generally adds up to 'much more stupid than before', so frankly, they're probably onto something with this. Which is just hilarious.

I also love the fact that they've managed to find someone who can actually (mostly) handle the English language, and put capital letters in the appropriate places. Sorta. Every now and again you get a sentence that kinda boggles you a little -- the line about 'feed you with further modalities' makes it sound like the writer already ate too many modalities and is about to regurgitate a dictionary, for example.

The final reason I like this email? Well, it strikes me that if they're now deliberately re-targeting previous idiots, then perhaps the 419 business has been slowing down lately. Maybe enough people have finally heard that mis-spelled emails from Africa promising you a fortune in exchange for a few banking details and maybe just a little money of your own aren't actually a private goldmine. Who knows? Cull the flock long enough, and maybe it does get smarter. We'll see, eh?

...and in other news: the Mau-Mau didn't want to get up this morning. She made her Saddest Face In The World, and told me that she hurt all over, and pointed to many different places on her body by way of illustration. Including her elbows. Then she lay back down.

When Natalie came downstairs, I suggested she should give the kid the medical once-over. Unfortunately, the arrival of Mum in the Mau-Mau's bedroom provoked much undesirable excitement, and Natalie shouted for a bowl. Being well versed in this routine, I seized a large salad bowl and made it into the bedroom in time to keep 'most everything except the top sheet from being covered in very stinky vomit.

So. The Mau-Mau is at home today, on the couch, extremely subdued. The vomit contained pretty much everything she ate last night, undigested -- and horribly reeking -- so there is something astray. And I am thus confined likewise to the house, as nurse.