Saturday, September 22, 2012

Day 89- It's Not You, It's Me

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Today I had a big point open up when
I thought
I was confronting
someone about possibly judging me.
‘Confronting’ might not be the right word, because I actually was speaking
my back chat or internal voice, in
order to ‘put it out there’ to be discussed, because I couldn’t see
clearly what I was missing. First of all, I know damn well that worrying about
what another is thinking is always me projecting myself onto another. But I was
SOOOO convinced that it was the person making me feel bad because of what they
‘might have’ been thinking. So I said that, and the person did NOT accept this
shit from me. Normally I would have argued and defended myself, but because I
have been practicing self-honesty and listening/hearing,
I shut up within myself and listened to the other person’s perspective.

What I realized is that this has been a
pattern play-out in my life for a really long time. It is self-judgment,
wherein over time I have seemingly small, judgmental thoughts about myself,
like, oh, my nails look bad, I’m gaining weight, I slept in too late, I didn’t
get enough done today, etc… and then I start feeling insecure, and then I’ll
start projecting the judgment, by thinking little things like, “I should put
this away or he’ll think I’m lazy,” “these pants are too frumpy, he’ll think I’m
sloppy,” “I should do more or she’ll think I didn’t get much done today,” etc…
Then, when the person is in my midst, I’ll think they are thinking these things
about me, and get super self-conscious, but they are not even thinking these
things! I would have to be a mind-reader to know the thoughts of another, and
anyways- what would it matter what another is possibly thinking? It doesn’t.
This all seems really obvious now as I write it, but throughout my life, I have
done so many things for fear of what the other ‘might’ think. Sometimes I have
had entire relationships in which I have been entirely dictated by this pattern
to the point where I don’t even want to be around the person anymore. And
because it seems so real to me, I never realized that the judgment was coming
from ME, not the other person!

So, the
point that opened up within these realizations is just how judgmental I
actually am towards myself. I have an extremely high, even unreasonable
standard that I hold myself to, where if I do not achieve perfection, I judge
me. So I’m really hard on myself in this way. I’m not even what’s called a ‘type-A
personality’, because the way it manifests for me is defeat- wherein I just end
up mostly giving up and feeling like “what’s the point- it’s unobtainable- it’s
too much work- etc..” which is an attitude that just perpetuates the
self-judgment, because I then end up doing less than I am able.

Within all
this, I see that I have to be more gentle with myself, so that I can function
from a starting point of self-care and self-consideration, so that I can actually
be more effective, and also be able to be and express myself and enjoy the
people I spend time with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe and participate in my backchat and self-talk to the point where it
influences who and how I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat
and negative self-talk to exist within and as me, wherein I, throughout the
day, make positive or negative judgments about myself in relation to others and
the world, thus defining myself as ‘good; and ‘bad’ within my mind, and then
confirming my judgments constantly and continuously through/by projecting my
self-judgments onto the behavior of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
project my backchat and negative self-talk onto others in my life and world,
because it influences who I am around others wherein I am trying to control
their perception of me and thus, my perception of myself, instead of changing
myself actually, and BEING who I am instead of perceiving who I am in relation
to people, places, things, and events outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
blame others for ‘judging me and making me feel bad’, instead of seeing,
realizing and understanding that I have only been judging myself and being
unreasonable with my standards and expectations of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate
my responsibility to myself by projecting my self-judgment onto others, and
instead of changing I avoided the other, or tried endlessly to ‘be perfect’ in
order to not be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define ‘being perfect’ as not feeling judged by others, because I see, realize
and understand that the mind will constantly and continuously judge unless it
is directed with awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
define ‘being perfect’ as being aware of myself and that which I create, and
directing myself and that which I create according to the principle of doing
unto others as myself, and being one and equal to myself.

To me, this
character seems like a ‘people pleaser’, so I will take apart and forgive this
character in my next blog.

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.