Thursday, March 10, 2011

I gently dipped the very tippy of my toe in the water and I wasn't gobbled up by a shark. I consider that a success.

Nice dinner at a cozy table by a big fireplace, easy conversation with a really interesting man, appropriate amount of compliments without going overboard, a hug and kiss on the cheek, text message to check and make sure I made it home safely, and laid the foundation for another date next week.

Those really are the juicy details.... and just fine with me (for now!). I didn't want something intense that would scare me off or freak me out.

I don't know if it's associated with going on a date and trying to get back in the game but I've had a lot of memories and what not pop up and occupy my mind this week. It's odd, in a good way. It hasn't been swooning or feelings of still being in love with the man it's been sadness over the loss of the relationship moments. I think because of the circumstances of the split the "in love" part disappeared pretty damn fast. And if I'm going to be completely honest with myself those feelings had started to change before I even found out about "the BS".

Monday, March 7, 2011

1. I would rather feel ups and downs than flatline blah....any day, all day, every day. Feeling means I can release emotions and move on. Feeling means that I get to enjoy the really good times too!

2. Good weekend: Reclaiming run #2 at my favorite park under my belt.

3. Picked up some great gear at 50% end of the season sale.

4. Whistler here I come! We booked a girls snowboard weekend for next month.

Foreshadowing?

5. It was a guy magnet weekend. Just about everywhere I went randoms were wanting to talk to me... nothing wrong with that, it was just a noticeable influx. And I was open to it, maybe that's the difference. I've been accused of not noticing how much guys notice me.

6. Talked to an interesting guy. He asked & I gave him my number. He asked me out. I'm going. *little nervous*

Thursday, March 3, 2011

When I first started reading blogs (and eventually having my own) I was trying to get an idea of the path my life was headed. My mom has just passed away and I was in love with a soldier who had just finished medical school and we were talking about our future. "What in the world am I getting in to?" *voila* Blogs! Blogs by women who were married to or dating men in the military, the very first I read was a woman who was married to not only a solider but a physician in the same stage of his career as my ex-love, and *wow* here is a woman who not only loved a soldier she recently lost a parent. I absorbed every tale they told. What great insight and information I collected from these blogs. I couldn't believe I found women who had such similar experiences. I could related. More importantly they could relate to me. I felt I fit in with this group of women bloggers that I had discovered.

Time and life move on... relationship ups and downs, my soldier deployed and I could read and learn more from this great community who had been there and done that.

And here we are today. The relationship did a total dramatic and very unpleasant crash and burn. (I was bamboozled)

Where do I fit in with this whole blog thing? I know I'm not a writer and this isn't a place folks check in to see what witty tale I'm going to share today. I'm not a photographer to post amazing photos of my adventures. I'm not a mom. I'm no longer attached to anything related to loving a man in the military. I don't have a business to promote. I'm not a fitness goddess.

But damn it, I just want to feel like I fit. Even if it's only 3 people that read and comment I've grown to like that feeling of connection to a whole new group of people and I'm not really sure I have that so much anymore.

Who knew a blog could make me feel so emotional? I'm sure it has nothing to do with PMS or having a broken heart. *pft whatevh*

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Sometimes I feel like all I do here is pour my heart out about something or other. I'm not one of those nifty words of wisdom, witty life story, mass appeal kind of bloggers. I started this as a place to vent and say things that I might not normally get out otherwise.

As I've shared in other posts, I lost my mom to breast cancer in Oct of 2007. I started blogging after she was gone and as I was just getting started in really dealing with my grief. Working thru that loss has impacted a lot of the events in my life since she has passed. I don't know that I ever got super solid footing after her passing so with each new shitty event that's popped up there is some of that grief tangled in the mix.

Here is the pour.....

Cleaning out some old emails (ridding myself of electronic reminders of the Biggest Azzhole in the World) and I came across this email exchange with a dear friend of mine. Reading this hit me like a ton of bricks. Anyway...thought I would share this as a prequel to anything I've posted here about my dealing with the grief. I know so many others have been thru it.

This is kind of long, but important I think to have all of it. Written about 3 weeks before we lost her.

ME:

Can I say something out loud to you w/o it coming across as a totally negative outlook?

Awesome Friend:eeek! ok...(nervous)

ME:

My mom is dying. It makes me sad.

I've never really said that like that out loud.

It is overwhelming to think about in those terms so I try to kind of not deal with the reality too often, but feel like I had to acknowledge it. Say it. Let it out. I feel like I'm not suppose to think in those terms or say something like that.Don't worry about me in a scary way, I'm just going thru the process of the whole thing. Lor gave me info on her counseling office and her therapist marked which names would be good for bereavement counseling so I'm set when/if needed.Awesome Friend:S. I have tears on my face as I write this. I am so grateful that you could feel comfortable in saying this to me.I have been really concerned about your mom, ever since I heard that the cancer had started to spread to her organs. This is what happened to my dear Aunt P, who I cared for in her last days. I actually talked to our other girls, giving them a heads up that times were going to start becoming more difficult, so that we all could be ready to support you in the most love we could give.

S, you have been so so very brave and graceful through this process. I think that acknowledging this part of the cycle of her illness will allow you to even more draw closer to her by knowing time is short and that every moment is dear, as well as to help yourself in your own process by coming to terms with truth: The truth of the mortality of your mom and of ALL people. It just boggles my mind to even contemplate that kind of potential for loss. Recognising and accepting what *is*, as you are doing, won't make the process easier, but it will make it more honest in working through things as you go.

Also in acting as a support for your mom, she will need to be able to tell you things that are important to her regarding how she wants to see things in the family or procedures or WHATEVER after she is gone, and for you to HEAR those things and assure her that her wishes will be fulfilled is immensely important to her, as you can imagine. If we get wrapped up in, "No, no, don't talk that way" I think it can cause the person dying to feel uneasy.

I am so glad to hear that you are open to finding a councilor who is professionally trained in grief. But the process of grief doesn't start at death, you are already grieving for your mother's health as we speak. I suggest starting as soon as you can. <3

I think I am going to really try to budget tight and see if I can make a trip up to Seattle in October, so I can give you a trillion hugs in person.

Has the doctor talked about a prognosis time frame? I love you.

ME:L... I sound like a broken record when I say this but I will keep saying it because I want you (all of you) to know how much it means to me to such an amazing group of women as my circle of support. The friendship that the 4 of us share is timeless and amazing and will follow us all through the happy and sad of life. I have a hard enough time expressing my feelings in word form, so I know I will never be able to really explain what it means to me to have you and the girls in my life. Not that I didn't already cherish our friendship, but I don't know if I really understood the depth of or my reliance on our friendship until my mom got sick. It might really have been the first time in my life that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable and open and admit that I needed to lean on some shoulders to help me get through something. This truly has been the hardest thing I've ever been thru and I don't know what I would have done without you and your support.

I know, and have known, what the diagnosis and progression mean and what it is leading up to. I've often felt that if I say it out like that in such certain terms that people would accuse me of not having hope or not being positive. That really isn't the case. Of course I have hope and try to stay as positive as possible. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to function on a daily basis. But I also know the medical reality and can't live in denial or I would be much worse off in the long run.

You sure are right, nobody wants to hear someone they love talk like that... in terms of them preparing for their departure. I've mustered all the strength I can to face those conversations with my mom and not break down, to listen to what she needs to say even though it's not what I want to hear. It was a little more shocking at first, but I've had a year and a half (hard to believe it's been that long that she has been sick) to get use to her talking like that. At first, it seem way far fetched and easy to dismiss it all as being in vane. Not so much now, now I'm wanting to have those conversations and sit and write things down so I'll be prepared. She's doing it with my dad as well, but I know I'll have to kick in and help him... he's not much of a detail person!

I just spoke to her right before I got your email. I had called to check in for the afternoon. I asked if she had had any recent liver function tests and she hasn't. She will most likely have one on Tuesday so we will have a better idea of what's going on there. Her breathing isn't getting any better, my dad said she is only at about 50% lung capacity but her the oxygen levels in her blood are normal so she's find there. I did notice, and she also mentioned to me, that her lower ab. is becoming a bit distended. That's most likely her liver enlarging from the tumors. She also told me that when Dr. Crossland helped my dad with his FMLA paperwork, she gave him a 3-6 month time frame to list on the paperwork, so it has shortened a bit from the previous 6-12 month prognosis. I don't know if it is because he is a bit of a pessimist, but when I was over there on Monday night my dad and I had a talk and he wants me to be prepared. He didn't want to scare me, but wanted me to make informed decisions about the time I spend with my mom etc. He said he would be surprised if she makes it into the new year, and we'd be blessed to have her for Christmas. If my mom has anything to do with it she will make it past the new year... she wants Step Dad to be able to file federal income tax one more year with her as a deduction. LMAO... that's my mom for ya!

Gosh, anyway, rambling on... I just really want to say thank you. thank you. thank you. I know you've sometimes said that you feel you feel helpless because you aren't here. Don't feel that way at all, you make a huge difference in my life physically in the area or not. I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

Monday, February 21, 2011

And I wasn't running from anything... I did it for the sake of getting some exercise!

It's been about 2 months 1.5 weeks since I've been out running and then it was thru the streets of a town in a foreign country. Boy what a different two months can make, huh?

The setting felt so familiar as my last few runs. There was so so so much similar at first I wanted to retreat; The weather was chilly (40ish), same cold weather gear on, backdrop of snow covered mountains behind the city.. But wait, I'm HOME. This is MY turf, MY favorite park, MY familiar mountains! I wasn't going for performance ( *heh* that was funny, me.. running...performance) I just needed to get out and do it and it felt great.

I was reprogrammed.

I am home. I felt much more grounded and focused back on my home turf and the present. My head has been just about everywhere but in the present since I've been back. It felt good to be in the moment and feeling settled at home. Finally.

I'm going to attribute it to not only the run on Sunday, but the whole weekend I was busy doing things that had absolutely no Ex associated memories. I was doing things that were just me and nothing he and I had ever done together. Out at an Irish pub drinking beer and eating corned beef & cabbage and hanging with new friends and a day up snowboarding. All new memories. All me baby!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I'm afraid to admit this because it is contrary to a lot of the words I would use to describe myself. I think I'm a resilient, strong, intelligent, independent woman. I've got my life together, got my education, have a job, have pocket change, and it looks like I'm doing OK.

I feel like a lost little child with nobody to guide me.

I don't feel like I've fully learned how to do things for ME. Follow MY dreams. To please ME. To be proud of MYSELF.

Why can't I motivate myself to do things for just me? Why do I feel so stuck without external motivation? Why do I need to be trying to make someone else proud and get their praise as motivation to do anything?

Yes, finishing my degree was important to me and I was proud of myself but honestly my main motivation was making my mom and my family proud of me. With out that, I don't know that I would have ever finished.

Yes, I accomplished some big fitness and health goals and it made me feel good but what motivated me to take it to the next level was to show someone else what I could do. Fitness was important to them and although it was awesome to see what I could push myself to do, if I didn't have that other external source of motivation and receiving the praise from someone for my accomplishment... I don't think I would have done it. I wouldn't have done it simple for ME and to make ME proud.

This has all happened fairly quickly. Over the last 3.5 years I no longer have parents to please, I no longer have a partner as a source of motivation and making me "want to be a better woman". Nobody to look to for that external praise that makes me want to do more and do better and I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm great at taking a supporting roll. I actually like that, it's what I do well and I get satisfaction out of it but here I am having just lost that roll. The future I saw with my Ex and my roll in that future was what made me feel grounded and useful. I had a purpose.

Now I have nothing stopping me from doing whatever I want. And I don't know what to do with myself.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Just a little something to share that isn't my anger or talking about my bad eating habits.

I love getting every little bit extra I can... I'm a total deal whore to Groupon, LivingSocial, etc etc etc. (FYI... you can buy a restaurant.com gift card on ebay for a couple of dollars and end up dining out for barely more than tax and tip!)

I also have a huge bowl of spare change that sits around until I get one of these sweet little email offers from Coinstar and thought I would share.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I don't get angry enough when I should. I stuff it. I stuff it with pizza. I cover it with gravy and smother it with ice cream.

Yes, I've been pissed off and angry over the BS with my ex but up until now I hadn't gotten yelling, crying, kick in the door, throw the cushions, knock things off the table, get it all out, honest to god angry.

It came out of nowhere. Started with tears, well I cry for just about every emotion so tears were a part of the whole process, progressed to me yelling in the car, kept going into an almost uncontrollable urge for my legs to move with speed and power and kick something. (that was interesting considering I was in the car) I was trying to calculate the cost of a new interior door and wondering if it was worth the cost to go there.

I was physically fucking pissed the fuck off.

And then I felt relaxed and full of energy. I might have even jumped up in the air and given a little *woot woot* because, damn, getting angry never felt so good! I bet bet that cat is taking a nice nap now in front of the fire.... good call.

Monday, January 31, 2011

I started to cry this morning as I was logging on to my sparkpeople.com account to start up my food log again.

My password alludes to me having some sort of level of fitness, which I do...and did... but I felt like a phony using that as my password today.

I have an issue with emotional eating and I'm using food to fill that big lonely sad hole right now. This isn't the "oh hey, allow yourself some indulgence while you get over your breakup" kind of thing. The amount of food and lack of control are really starting to scare me. We're talking eatuntilyouarealmostsickstandatthekitchencountereatingsomethingdoesn'teventastesogood kind of thing.

When I read on the always factual internet something about binge eating, "disorder" and "shrouded in secrecy" I figured if I shared I didn't really have "THAT" problem. Right?

Hmmmm.. it also said something about having troubles expressing anger as a cause. Like I have any reason to be angry right now? *pft*

It scares me to be this out of control. I've worked very hard on my fitness over the last several years and I don't know why I would do this to myself. Being somewhat of a control freak, it surprises me that I let something like this be out of control. I'm embarassed. I need to fix this.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Catch up on her blog, she's been holding down the fort as an Army wife, mother,breast cancer survivor, and now advocate helping others as they fight like a girl to kick cancer in the bootay!

This is a cause very near and dear to my heart. I lost my mom to breast cancer in October of 2007 and I know that the kinds of support and services that Cindy's Hope Chest provides are needed and appreciated beyond belief.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I was able to see a little bit of a new area of Italy and I although I will never see them again, I got to meet some really cool people.

I was able to get dressed up and experience my first and probably last military formal.

The time was spent mostly close to home and doing every day stuffs, but I was still able to see part of the country that was new to me. I put on my cold weather running gear and explored on my own as far as my legs wanted to take me and we did have a weekend of touristy stuff. I'm not in the mood to share pictures, this one still feels a little too angrybitterish.

And here is something that was unexpected. I saw a blogger while I was there. It's someone I use to read, but her blog kind of stopped and low and behold. Of course I didn't say anything. She isn't someone I ever really exchanged comments with but it was surprising.

Costa Rica

It was beautiful. The weather was beautiful. Love love love this place.

I sat out here...

Playa Conchal

And golfed here....

who knew my golfing partner wanted to be Tiger Woods...in every way.

And drank with the cupacabra....

yes, that whatchamacallit took my pina colada!

Unfortunately the whole travel adventure will be tainted, but I can't let that take away the few good memories right?

Fu*cker. I don't really feel like it's ever inappropriate for me to get that out when the desire strikes.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It was one month ago yesterday that I found out my man was a fake, fraud, phony, narcissist. Yes, I said it. He was more that just a selfish asshole. Pray that you never encounter one outside of reading a case study.

It was one month ago today that I walked away from him at the airport knowing it would be the last time I would see him. The last time I would tell him goodbye.

Today is the day to start something new.

No more giving myself permission to make choices that aren't healthy for me "because you deserve to take a break". No more justifying sitting on the couch eating pizza. Done. No more justifying self medicating so I don't have to feel. Done. No more unhealthy self destructive behavior. Done.

It's all about getting back into my good routines that make me happy rather than down on myself when I already have reason enough to feel a bit down as it is.

Things around this joint will only get out of control if I let them. Uh, and my inner control freak sure as heck isn't going to let that happen. If there is one thing in this world I can control it's ME!

Monday, January 24, 2011

I know, "no duh brain child ....that's what happens when you find out the guy you loved has two or three separate lives."

It took a couple of weeks for my noggin to catch up with the reality that I am single. period. This isn't the in-between time when we were working on putting things back together and neither my head nor my heart were unattached and truly single.

The reality sinking in wasn't a bad moment. It just was. I was in the car driving to meet Best Guy Friend for dinner and thinking about getting there early and slurping down one of my fav cocktails (French 75, drink it, love it, you won't regret it) and as I was visualising this tasty event I saw myself sitting in the bar. A nice bar. With nice people. Some of them men. SS.... "YOU ARE SINGLE".

It's been about 3.5 years since I've been in this rodeo. It wasn't a matter of wanting to flirt and talk to someone (would not be a good idea for him or me quite yet), but there was definitely that shift in my head. Good or bad, it's my new state of being.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Nothing super special other than feeling normal! Funny how good normal feels when you haven't been feeling like yourself.

Looking forward to an evening out at my favorite restaurant with my best guy friend. I'll be the one there early sitting in the bar with a loverly French 75 in my hand. *aaaaaahhhh* The simple pleasures. Come join me...the more the merrier. Cheers!

(Oooooh, maybe I'll get some good people watching pics and actually write an entertaining blog post?)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Quick aside: Funny thing, when I started this blog I was in a very similar place that I am now. A breakup, I was venting, and looking at starting on some new adventures in life. Fast forward and here I am again... breakup of a relationship (the same effin one!) and venting. So lets get back to the "New Adventures".

New Adventure: Snowboarding!

How I would like to portray the entire day:

Reality:

And before you go there... yes, this was a hill!

Humbling 36" high dare devils race past you, yes. Hilarious laughing at yourself, yes. Enjoy a good beer and BBQ in front of the fire in the lodge, hells yes! It really was a blast. I use to ski. I kind of like the more controlled spills with both legs attached to the same board better. One lesson down, two more to go!

I'm going to leave out the pictures of us standing in line with the 5 year olds waiting for the "magic carpet" to transport us up the bunny slope.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

So that's not really even a true question because it didn't just happen, I just found out about it.

Angry Woman has moved on to leave Miss Dazed n' Confused

Did someone really just spend years working on a relationship with me and winning my heart while doing the same thing to others? Did someone who clearly didn't want to be in a committed relationship really just convince me that we had a future together as partners and a family? Did this same person really just have me come 1/2 way around the world to meet and mingle with coworkers under the impression that I was his "love" and would be back in the not to distant future to see them all again? Did I really just sit with his family for Christmas (again) with them all under the same impression of our relationship as I was? Did I really just spend the last year of my life praying every day for his safety while everyday he was trying to figure out how to keep up with all his women?

The things I shared with him. Who was this person?

I do not understand this.

I know it's all a process. I know it will get better over time. I know I will be OK and in the grand scheme of things there is some lesson for me to learn and some sort of positive growth will be the end result. I personally could think of other ways that I could have been given the opportunity to grow and learn, but who am I to decide what it is that I really need?

I wish I was 19 and didn't give a f**k. I'd send you all out "BEWARE OF" fliers to plaster around the world.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

When I'm alone in the car, there is no more fantastic performer. I sing, I dance, I do it all and do it all very loud and very well.

So the next time you see a late 30s white women all decked out in her North Face gear bobbin her head, getting her groove on and chuckin' duces like she's really doin somethin.... Smile. Wave. It might just be me.

A collection of my most recent performances for your listening pleasure.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

And by diary I mean one angry post and then I'm not letting the anger eat away at me.

Love, talking about our future together, a trip overseas, a Christmas ball, a tropical vacation, Christmas with his family and it all went to hell with less than 24 hours to go.

I got played..... several times over. And by played I sure do mean multiple women in multiple locations all being told similar things about love and futures together. It's embarrassing to even say out loud but I'm not the one that did anything wrong.

I'm giving him a title; Emotional Con Man. I was conned, but it wasn't for my money or anything material. It was for my love, devotion and support.

FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER!

Turns out the man I was in love with didn't even exist. The facade he created and the image of who he was and what he stands for and believes in is a total front. Everything he talks about as important traits and positive characteristics are the exact opposite of what he actually is. I can't even imagine how conflicted and miserable someone must be living life knowing that they are not at all what they portray to the world and consider admirable. I have no idea what to actually call someone that does this to others. I'm sure there is a psychological term, anything I can really come up with consists of several very unladylike words strung together and shouted at the top of my lungs.

I wrote this blog post in my head, sitting at a slot machine with a beer. I thought this was an appropriate image for someone who just had half the carpet pulled out from under them while getting punched in the gut at the same time. All that was missing is a cigarette.

I can be loyal to a fault. To the point where I sometimes don't see things I should because I believe that people I love are as loyal to me as I am to them. Maybe I needed the hard line version of the truth so that there wasn't any question and I didn't stick around any longer. Thank goodness I didn't get sucked in any further.

Hard hit to take. I'm angry that he did this to me. I'm angry that he does this this to women. I'm angry that while three of us sit with this feeling of betrayal (of course I told them), he gets to just go along and keep up with any others out there or start working on a batch of new victims. I'm angry that there are so many people in his life that are fooled into believing this facade is the real person. I don't think I've ever met a bigger hypocrite in my life.

So, dude, you got me. Does it feel good? Does it boost your little ego? But now I know who you really are and you are the one that has to live with that miserable person not me. I'll get over it, you wont, you are stuck with you. Duces!