How To Ensure Guys Always Text You Back After Sex

As a writer, moderator, and editor for a college women’s website, I am inundated with emails, submissions, and good old-fashioned bitching and moaning about how boys are awful. They cheat. They break your heart. And they never text you back. Every potential writer wants to say something or other about the douchebag guy who never returned her text message. Being rejected is practically fashionable. And honestly, I’ve gotten to a point where I have to say: “What the fuck is wrong with you people?”

I have never in my entire life, but especially not in college, been left wondering why my text went unanswered. I’ve never sat home, expecting to get a text message that never came. The notion is simply preposterous. Guys are not as complicated as we think, and if I expect to hear from a guy, I do. And it’s not because I’m so gorgeous they can’t resist. It’s not because I’m that good in bed. And it’s definitely not because I’ve figured out the perfect amount of time to wait before sleeping with a guy. It’s because I play it cool.

So how do you ensure that you’ll see a guy again? It’s simple.

The Hookup
Any standard hookup situation starts out the same way: with a lot of alcohol and a thirst for attention. You didn’t “only sleep with him because you were drunk.” You only got drunk so you could sleep with him. You wanted to have sex, so you had sex. It’s not a big deal. Don’t make it one. There’s no need to feel embarrassed about doing something you both want to do. There’s no need to tell him no when you really mean yes, or to pretend you “never do this.” Chances are he doesn’t believe you or he doesn’t care. It’s not a time to chatter, or try to convince him you’re basically a nun while he’s penetrating you. It’s a purely physical experience. Enjoy it. Let him enjoy it. But don’t let him enjoy it more than you enjoy it. Trust me, he needs to know you’re in it for you too.

The Morning After
This is where so many girls fuck it up, when honestly, it’s the most important part. Guys fall in lust at night, but they fall in love in the morning, because that’s the first time he’s actually spending time with you. Sex is just sex, but someone they can laugh with is someone who gets a callback. I don’t care if he’s a stranger or someone you’ve been working on for months, you have to treat him like a friend in the morning. And the way to do that is to unapologetically recap the previous night, just like you would with your actual friends.

“Haha, do you remember that we literally drank Burnett’s Pink Lemonade out of coffee mugs when we got back here. God, we are such degenerates. And you would not stop talking about how underrated you think Grease is. And OMG, do you remember how I fell coming up the steps? Actually, my knee kind of still hurts.”

Make fun of him. Make fun of yourself. Laugh. Don’t be timid about asking for a ride home. He knows you’re naked and look like a hooker. If you had a fun, giggly morning, he’ll like you, and won’t want you to burst into flames when you walk by the church. You don’t need to go out of your way to make it easier on him. Ask him for a ride, and he’ll give you one. That’s not going to be what makes it or breaks it in your “relationship.”

The Followup
If you had a good morning, he will text you. If you didn’t, you shouldn’t expect him to. Ask yourself this: did we actually have a good time? Do I even like him? Or am I just clinging onto a guy I have nothing in common with because he paid attention to me for a night? Be realistic about the time you spent together. You wouldn’t text a guy you didn’t like, and he’s not the devil for not texting you if you didn’t have fun with each other.

Generally, I suggest waiting for a guy to text you, but if you’re just looking for someone to sleep with, there’s no reason not to go after what you want. If you’re like me, your world’s biggest fear is some guy thinking he’s getting the best of you. You don’t want to seem desperate or pathetic. So when you text him, you can’t overthink it. All you have to do is wait until 10 or 11pm, and text three little words: “Going out tonight?” It will work. And if he doesn’t respond, all you have to do is transfer..

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co