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Why do I engage in self sabotage and consistently engage in behavior that will lead to my demise.? On October 19, 2011, I under went a drastic surgery to help me lose weight and become my true self. To date I have lost 109 lbs which is 2 lbs more than the goal I had set for myself. Not only had I achieved my goal weight, but I exceeded it! This was especially surprising because I have failed to significantly change my life. I have increased my protein intake and am now chewing my food so long I swear it will disappear before I have a chance to swallow it,but I meeting the same foods I should not. What is also unhelpful is that my partner contributes to the justification I use to engage in the behavior again. Not only do I tell myself I do not engage in this behavior regularly, but I look to her to co-sign my behavior, which she does. The truth is that this lie to myself, in order to justify engaging in the behavior again. Then like the martyr that I am, I beat myself up for my mistakes then do it all again the next day.

I know that I want to be successful, but my actions belie my words. Am I doomed to be so paralyzed by the prospect of success that I fail just to prove that I can not achieve the goals I set for myself? “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same” Marianne Williamson. Am I his person that fails to see the inherent brilliance that God has bestowed upon me? I know I am, but where is this coming from? Why is it that I so readily accept the negative things that people say and refuse to acknowledge any positive things that are said to me?

I am entirely new to this, but I decided that I needed some way to chronicle my life’s journey. I feel an overwhelming need to make changes in my life and the way that I look at the world, specifically my world. I grew up in a family where the negative was always stressed. It was a Christian family that touted God’s glory, but only seem to acknowledge the things in life that were negative. I say the disconnect in this line of thought and its corresponding behavior early in life, but continue the pattern. Although I have a sunny disposition, I find myself looking at the half-empty glass instead of the half-full glass. For example, I recently had surgery and I am feeling incredibly good, yet when asked how I am, I say, “oh good except…” I am a 36 year old who talks and thinks like an 80 year old.

Second life lesson: be obliging to others, at my own expense, and to then lament openly to friends (well really anyone who will listen) about the ways in which people had “done me wrong” These dichotomous behavior contributed to the cognitive insolence that I experience to this day:~)

I am seeking to become more assertive, less emotionally labile and more controlled (in plain speak watch what the hell I say so that I do not spend eternity second guessing how I should have said it) and to celebrate the greatness of others without turning it into a statement of my own inadequacy.

This first blog has even taught ne that I find multiple ways to make everything about me! My aaha moment!