Sunday, August 19, 2012

Starting today, over a period of next 15 days India’s population is expected to be reduced to half of its current number of 1.2 billion, reports said. This analysis has come in light after Indian government’s decision to limit the number of chain text messages that can be sent to a maximum of 5 persons a day, announced yesterday.According to estimates, about 51 percent of India’s population comprises of youth in the 13-28 year age group out of which 99 percent are expected to die over the next 15 days if they still remain in the country without being able to send chain messages.A huge portion of this population, mostly girls, started spontaneously combusting and dying of heart attacks when they realized last midnight that they can know longer send group text messages to more than 5 people.

This decision has caused an outrage among people from this age group who have taken up the issue on social networking sites likeTwitter and Facebook.Priyanka Verma, a Delhi University student had this to say on India TV News: “Oh gosh! I got like the biggest shock of my life last night when I was like sending a goodnight message to the 198 people in my Samsung Galaxy S3 contact list.I just hope the government had like prepared us for this like huge piece of shock through messaging only because I have like better things to do in my life than like doing loser and boring things like reading the newspaper.My daily routine used to be like a goodmorning message to everyone I know along with a discussion about like what for and where I was going to go shopping today.Followed by 8 messages per day per peson that I used to send like ranging from topics like love, relationships, Twilight, heart-break, Ranbir Kapoor, my new emo-haircuts followed by a mass “gud9yt every1.Swt drmzzz” The sad thing is that I still have like 258 free messages remaining on my free message pack.And since the failed sms sending last night I’m experiencing like migraines and increased heart-beat, but I’m just glad I didn’t like spontaneously combust like the rest of my girly friends did.”

Meanwhile, some tragic reports of suicides and youngsters fleeing the country are also coming up.Simran Oberoi(name changed for privacy reasons) from Chandigarh last night tweeted: “oMg! hOw cUd dEy dO dIs tO mE. I m kIlLiNg mAhsElf.GuDbYeeee eVeRy1. TeNk YeW fOh aLL da lUv n dUn evAh 4gEt me pLzzzzzzzzzzz.”She was later found dead in her room with Justin Bieber’s hit single, “Baby” playing in the background.Also some teenagers and yuppies that are still miraculously alive were today spotted crossing over to the Bangladesh border and they had this to say about the whole issue, “Man, crossing over to Bangladesh is the smartest decision we’ve made since deciding to wait for the iPhone 5 instead of buying the Samsung Tab.But anyway, we know Bangladesh is an unsafe, flithy, extremist-infested country but atleast we will die knowing in her hearts that it has the cheapest call and sms rate in the whole world without any restriction.Grameen Phone rocksss!”

Meanwhile, the remaining one percent youth population that is not addicted to chain messaging has welcomed the government’s decision. Varun Sharma, a smartass from Bangalore wrote on a blog, “I’m so fucking glad man! I mean I was sick of all those assholes, cousins and bimbos sending me texts which said I would get my balls eaten by an alligator if I didn’t forward their message to 10 more people.I’m glad it’s all over.India could do with less discussion about pink coloured shoes.Finally I can now go back to my Facebook message boards and argue in peace with everyone else on why Charlie Sheen and Two A Half Men are the greatest things to happen to guys ever.”

Interestingly, conspiracy theorists have also accused this decision to be a planned government propoganda for controlling India’s population.Manish Singh, another marijuana-addicted smartass from Mumbai wrote on Facebook, “Well obviously, the government is trying to pull a fast one on us defending this decision saying this had to be done for the safety of North Easterners so that no more rumors are spread against them.First arranging emergency trains to make them flee Bangalore and now this, everyone knows that no government is THAT stupid to think that these two measures are what it takes to actually guarantee the safety of people.It is all a big joke. Open your eyes people.”

Friday, August 10, 2012

The Indian Olympic Association today announced that it has approved a sum of rupees 100 crores to be spent on preparing the Indian athletes for the 3040 Olympics(to be held in the capital of whichever country that manages not to piss off the Arabs and Chinese in the next 128 years to come, and definitely not in Greece because Germany is probably going to buy it for 27 Euros by then).Speaking to the acclaimed local daily-The Times Of India, the IOC president Randhir Singh explained this unique strategy saying, “See, it’s the result of a simple observation that we’ve made over the past couple of Olympic games. Some virtually unknown athletes are coming out of nowhere and winning medals for the country which is resulting in various state governments and sporting bodies often awarding them about 1 crore rupees and popular brands like Koutons and Lotto inviting them to ribbon cutting ceremonies. Also looking at India’s past Olympic records and how India’s total medals tally increased an astonishing 3 times in the 2008 Beijing Olympics to 3 medals as compared to 1 in 2004, while also keeping in mind that we could end up with 5 or 6 medals in the ongoing 2012 edition, we’re noticing a new pattern in the increment of our Olympic medals tally, which according to our sophisticated analysis will be up to 100 by the 3040 Olympics. So we have decided to announce the 100 crores in advance so our coming generations will work hard and be motivated knowing that they have a huge prize money and brand endorsements like Sunfeast and Hero Cycles waiting if they bring laurels to the country in the 3040 Olympics.”

When asked if that money should rather be spent on creating sporting infrastructure, an angry and visually irritated Randhir Singh retorted, “ What?! You mean creating gymnasiums and sporting facilities where everyone could practise?! Are you out of your mind? See, we know that no country in history has ever had an Olympics where every participant won a medal so why should we spend this kind of money on those who did not win anything? In fact we should ask the non-performing athletes to pay us back because we handle all their expenses when they’re out there getting their asses handed to them on a plate in games like Hockey. You have no idea how said I got when I found out that Mrs. Pratibha Patil had to tragically cut-short her last presidential vacation to Mauritius by 17 minutes and two trips to the spa just because a couple of Haryana villagers had qualified for London 2012.Also, it would be cruel to take away anymore of the farmers’ land for construction of sporting complexes, don’t you think? Not to mention that someone in the meeting suggested following Amir Khan's ideology on this so I downloaded his movie called Jo Jeeta Wahi Sikandar which again re-assured my idea of winner-takes-all."

He also added, “See, this sum is probably the same amount of money that the Chinese or American Olympic Associations will be spending on their athletes. I know they do end up getting about 25 times more medals than us in every games and I also know that India has the least per capita Olympic medals of all the nations in Olympic history but what’s the point of all that when none of the money they will spend is going to make their athletes any richer? At the end of the day medals don’t pay your bills, money does, and the last time I checked the London Olympic gold medals had a market value of not more than 15 Euros(which is a shame because I stole a couple of them from some faggy 20 km walk Heptathlon winner and smuggled them inside my rectum on the flight back to Delhi) .I mean look at Micheal Phelps, he might have individually won more medals than India has won in its entire Olympic history but has anyone ever realized if he was born in India he would probably be a millionaire by now, even at the expense of bankrupting his home state after ever Olympics? ”

Also known for his sense of humor in his close circle consisting of legendary Indian Olympic officials like Suresh Kalmadi and KPS Gill, he finished the announcement with a light-hearted statement saying, “Remember everyone, we do win Bronze and Silver, and as long as the Gold keeps eluding us just keep in mind that we have something that neither the US, nor the Russian Federation can match up to with all their gold medals- we have Bappi Lahiri.”

P.S.~Reading this report Amir Khan posted this on his Twitter account," Sir, no offence but the man who told you to follow my philosophy probably meant Satyamev Jayate."

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A trash bag full of cynicism, sarcasm and shit.Addicted to South Park, Speed Metal and Johnny Depp's eccentricities,
I am a total prick and sooner than later I will end up pissing you off for some reason.