I wanna share my story and what one of my biggest struggles has been for many years now. Your feedback and being here means a lot, it's a place where I am not too worried about being judged or made fun or in any regard. This is scary for me… thanks in advance for your understanding.

I was sexually abused by my stepbrother when I was around five years old. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I do remember that it took place in the living room (to a side of a couch where we couldn't be seen) when he slept over, in the sleeper of my dad's truck when my dad would be asleep (we would be on a different bed), in my dad's friend's van (when we waited for them to pick up food at a restaurant), and in a hotel room where I thought he was surely going to kill me because I wanted it to stop.

It took me a long time to gather up the courage and tell my mom because I really had no idea what was going on, but it didn't feel right and made me feel very anxious and that some bad was happening. When I told my mom he was staying the night and I can't remember the details, but I know that when she told my dad I was in his truck and waited for my mom to come and get me and let me know what was going to happen.

I also remember being taken to an emergency room and be poked and prodded for what I think were tests to see if I was hurt physically and if he (my step brother) was sick that he might've given me something.

Things went to court and got really ugly between my dad's children (my step brother and step sister) and then I thought things would be over and done with. I never knew what was going on and didn't for many years later.

There was another instance that my dad's nephew also started to mess with me sexually under the guise of him teaching me what I could do with a girl when I would be older. I never told anyone anything, and I don't exactly remember what happened with my cousin either. No one to this day knows, I'm not sure if he even remembers but I do.

My question/ situation is, I am straight but have moments and strong urges to see gay porn and act out.

There was a point where I thought that maybe I was gay or bi, and did try and meet guys and do stuff with them. It seemed that I didn't really care about their personalities, as long as they really liked me and we could do sexual stuff. I wasn't happy being with a guy, just that I could get off with a guy. I'm not sure if it was because of the familiarity (same plumbing) or if it was because it's all I knew (because of the abuse) and did a lot of reading on gay erotica too.

Before my realization that I had been sexually abused as a kid, I was only attracted to girls and would get a boner from watching a hot girl kiss a guy (I wanted to be the guy) and had crushes on girls in elementary school and middle school.

It was then that things changed because everyone around me was a perv (so to speak) and I wasn't. Yeah, I had my moments when I had random boners and wanted to date girls but it apparently was not to the extent these guys were at. That continued through high school and always left me feeling weird and different, not only because I didn't want people to know what I had realized happened to me as a kid (the sexual abuse) but that I was also different because I wasn't ALWAYS thinking about boobs and vaginas and hooking up with a girl and wanting to do those things.

Because I was not happy being with a guy (only to get my rocks off, not emotionally) I let my sheets cool so to speak (not that I got a lot of action or anything, only was with two guys) and got into a relationship with a girl. She was aggressively sexually, first girl who I got to touch her boobs and we were both surprised that I didn't have a boner. I was mad at myself and tried to think of the times when I was with a guy and had gotten off to try help get a boner that night, and it help at didn't at all. She kept rubbing me, inside my underwear, and nothing happened. I was really embarrassed and ashamed.

Eventually in our relationship, down the road, I could get hard and was happy to be hard around her, and one night she forced me to have sex with her. I wasn't exactly ready, but was afraid she would think less of me because I couldn't get hard when we first fooled around and now didn't want to have sex. I stopped it shortly and couldn't tell her that I felt what she did was wrong because she was crying saying she forced me too. I didn't know what to say, so I said that it wasn't true but it was and I felt like now I was hurt by guys and girls. Again, I felt that I couldn't be honest with the people who I cared for and claimed to care for me.

Now, I have been trying to be able to jack off to straight porn but I feel that it doesn't do it for me and gay porn does. Not completely, but it does much more for me than straight porn.

I want to be able to see boobs and get hard and get off to straight porn as easily as other straight guys do, or even lesbian porn. Instead I feel that I'm stuck with gay porn and even though it does get me off, I don't want it to. I don't want to think about guys that way at all, I want to be as sexually driven to girls as other straight guys are.

My combined experiences as well as not having a very deep voice and being terrible at sports, has always left me feeling not like a normal guy… I keep feeling like they can tell I'm not the same as them, and it leaves me very confused, frustrated, and hurt easily by other guys and myself.

I get really hurt when a friend says graphic things like the word "fucking" in the sense of sex (like, he fucked this girl this weekend or something)l. I feel that he is making fun of me even though I know he's not and has no idea about my past and how much I struggle with trying to find a girl to be happy with.

Has anyone gone through something like this?

If so, can anyone offer any advice how to get through this? I feel like I'm always failing at being straight.

I can't tell my friends and family. My mom knows to a degree and so does the girl that forced herself on to me, but no one knows the true extent of it and it scares me and really makes it hard to be myself because I feel that I don't know what that is anymore.

Sorry for my rant guys, it's a lot of back story to make my question/ situation more clear.

If you read around here you'll notice that you are not alone, so many people have experienced something similar. I know that it's not easy and I'm relatively new on the road to some sort of healing but I've found that notion very helpful.

Talk about it, read through these forums and if you don't have a therapist you should probably look for one-getting it out is a big first step.

I recently discussed my issues with a therapist and he talked a lot about sexuality and how it's often not so cut and dry-theres more fluidity to it for most (kinsey scale), and hearing him say "it's okay to be straight and have done what you've done" was such a huge weight off my shoulders...good luck.

Sexuality is a very strange thing and can be one of the most confusing things for survivors.I have had similar issues throughout my life and still fight with urges for a longtime.Myself, I have just learned to accept them and carry on with life. You need to be you and just understand yourself.You have to look at yourself and the fact that you are not the only straight guy that has these thoughts. Especially with being a survivior of CSA in your background.So DON'T put yourself down .. there are many others out here that have the same feelings.Just as a help, here is a link to a sight that I found in the beginning of my journey ... that helped me a bit to understand my urges.http://www.amsosa.com/unsure.htmTake care man

I'll look into a therapist and see who I can find. I did meet with one briefly but at that time so much stuff was going on that this wasn't even on my mind at the time, but like rain it has a curious time of when to show up and not let up.

Thank you for the link finallyopen, I checked it out and helped me a bit.

I just feel like there's always a huge sign on me, a scarlet letter, that is painfully obvious to me and everyone else that there's something not quite right. I'm fine when it's not there but then I'll see something on tv or read something and it makes me compare myself to the guys there and I feel different and bad and not at all how they do and how I want to be.

Hey, redandblue. I just came across this post and while I can't give you any help I want to let you know I could have written most of that post myself. It wasn't until I found this site that I realized that this confusion, the conflicting sexual reactions and all of the fantasies/acting out, all of this stuff, is practically normal for survivors! So many men I've met here have struggled with the same kinds of issues. I've been happily married, and live a 'normal' life with even a fairly normal sex life with my wife, but still find that I act out on weird or twisted urges with men and gravitate more to gay porn than straight. I've finally gotten healthy enough to realize it's not sexual or even healthy for me personally, but I still owe it to myself to understand it a little better and really find a way to accept whatever it means. While there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone, I know I have more work to do too,to really come to a place of acceptance or resolution with all of it. I don't talk to anybody-family, wife, friends-other than a few survivors I met at the weekend of recovery, about this stuff. Just the secrecy and shame of it is enough to really interfere with my well-being. It's tough, but you're definitely not alone!

I think what i'm getting at is that for so long I assumed that i had to be gay because I had these reactions, that the things I did and the way I acted out meant that I wanted to have sex with guys. It was too simple to look at it that way. I just couldn't imagine that if I act out sexually, it might not be because it's what my mind and body and heart really want. It might be because when I was a kid, all the wires got crossed because of what happened to me. Of course it doesn't make sense or even really reflect who I am. I'm still living with a kid's reaction to a fucked up situation. I don't know who I really am, but I know that I'm not defined by the acting out or the urges. At least, on my 'good' days, I can remember this. Other times, it's hard. I'm making progress, but have plenty of work still to do.

I'm dealing with that issue too, there are some thoughts that make me believe that I'm gay even when I dont like the idea, I'm not interesting in that, I'm bad at sports too, I dont feel confortable with perv. talk and so on...

I'm a Mechanical engineer so I spend many hours with guys at the plant and sometimes I feel weird and different too when they speak, but there is sometime that works for me... I say to myself that maybe there are moments when I dont know who I am but I do know who I want to be, that everything is gonna be ok and I just have to know how to work for it..

So try to stay quiet, look for therapy to face those feelings, calm the anxiety and like other survivor told me in this forum... go one step at a time... best wishes.

I feel the same way as you do. Thank you for your opinion and your insights.. this is just what I needed to know right now.

That's why I also wonder why do I get intimidated most of the time by my Male counterpart. I don't feel comfortable around them too much. I want to believe that I am straight, but sometimes I wonder why I don't have much too many male friends...

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