I’m by myself. So one one sees it or experiences it. But I can’t stop being angry. I whipped my controller for my PS3 against the wall. I didn’t break it, which is good because it would be the third I’ve broken. I stopped after the second throw and had a shower, but then just more violent angry thoughts followed me there. I didn’t scold myself, or make myself feel ashamed. I just hate when I get like this because it doesn’t solve anything. Momentarily it will feel powerful and strong, but it quickly feels depressing. So I sat down and started to write this post to calm myself before bed.

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All of it was set off by someone cutting in line at McDonalds. I had to leave because I was going to be late, meaning I didn’t get my coffee, and I wanted to smash her face into the counter. I decided that leaving was the much more sensible thing to do. But then it got connected with all my other anger.

It makes me rage-y when people break rules or are inconsiderate to others. Once I see it, I just want that person to stop existing. I want to hurt them. If you are that awful to cut off 5 people in line, then what are you like at home? I realize that’s a little insane, and there’s no data to prove they are an awful human being overall, but it adds to every little thing that someone has done to me. Even the smallest little rule that gets broken, or the slightest disrespect sends me into one of these rage spirals.

It’s very lonely. In group we were going over these myths that people tell themselves.

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e.g “You should sacrifice your needs for the needs of others.”

“If you ask for help, you are weak.”

All these really bad thoughts that get ingrained and cause failures in our programming. They are thoughts I struggle with and need to reprogram. I really wanted to talk about

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21. “Revenge is worth it, I will get it no matter the cost.”

Unfortunately, before it there were many ones that were poorly worded and humourous. So that one got brushed off too as a little silly. I knew that no one thought I was serious when I said “I really am number 21.” So we moved on and didn’t talk about that one. That just fuelled my anger. I’ll mention it in private therapy that I need to talk about that one. I know it’s ridiculous. But I’ve experienced so many injustices that revenge really is one of the few things that gets me through the day.

For a long time, I use to get through the day by saying to myself “The only reason these specific people are alive is because I allow them to continue existing.” It’s dark. But it made me feel like I could be in control of the situation. Like my choice to be “good” was something that could be valued. That I was strong enough not to turn fully dark and hurt them like they had hurt me.

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I have been through things were there is no justice. There is literally no legal action I could take that would result in any punishment for those who have harmed me. I have clung on to revenge for years. I take great pleasure in watching those who have wronged me fail, and if I can help them fail, I will. If it requires years of me waiting for them to get what they deserve, I will wait. One of the girls who bullied me terribly in school became addicted to coke, I was over the moon. Another became an alcoholic. Others fell into similar pits of awfulness. I realize that she/they were probably mean because like most awful children, probably had a terrible home life, but I enjoyed hearing that her addiction ruined her since she brought me to the point of attempting suicide. But, I’m told I should be more understanding of how hard her life was. I hate this. Literally, fuck that. I’ve have been bullied, sexually assaulted, raped, abused, stalked, assaulted, all my medical torture, emotionally abused, etc and I have never taken it out on anyone. I have never taken that evil out on someone other than harming myself. I am so sick of everyone telling me how I need to be the bigger fucking person. How I need to understand that those people are hurting and that’s why they did that. Fuck you and Fuck that. Because they suffered, does not make them entitled to my compassion. I do not have to be compassionate to anyone who has harmed me no matter their backstory. When people throw that shit at me, it’s so invalidating. It’s like their trauma has more value than mine. I don’t give a fuck what you’ve been through, you don’t get a free pass to be an abusive sack of shit.

It’s like when I think about people who are abusive and how they spread their illness. My ex’s Dad probably had PTSD from WWII, which was untreated because well that’s what they did back then because the notion that war could fuck you up in the head was not a thing. My ex was probably lucky that his dad died when he was 4, because he would have known even more pain than he already knew. He suffered at the hands of his sibling and his mother for years as re-percussion of his Dad’s illness. I then suffered from my ex because he didn’t know how to function as normal person. He was an echo of what his mom and siblings suffered through and never healed from. I wonder how many other people will suffer because of one untreated case of PTSD? In this case, it was at least 8 other people. What have those people have done to others, I don’t know. How many more places will the abuse spread? And where does it stop? If you can’t stop it, what do you do then? How do I stop myself from exploding? How do I heal that kind of wound to the soul? I’m working on it, but sometimes the rage is so all consuming that I just want to destroy everything.

The idea that other people found the myth 21. “Revenge is worth it, I will get it no matter the cost.” ridiculous made me feel so alone and isolated. That wasn’t the intention. But it made me wonder how they got through whatever they’ve been through without hoping for revenge. That it must be so nice to live in a world where you aren’ that angry. Do unicorns live in that world? Or whether they haven’t been injured on a moral level (I’m referring to a specific comic on PTSD) to feel what I feel. Do they feel injustice like I do? Because it can’t just be me.