Some Secrets Hurthttp://somesecretshurt.com
Sun, 13 Nov 2016 00:00:20 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.6.14Start Talkinghttp://somesecretshurt.com/2012/05/418/
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]]>http://somesecretshurt.com/2012/05/418/feed/0Afraid to Tellhttp://somesecretshurt.com/2011/11/afraid-to-tell/
http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/11/afraid-to-tell/#respondWed, 09 Nov 2011 19:17:47 +0000http://somesecretshurt.com/?p=412I was so thirsty. We had been traveling for hours. I was twelve years old, too old to complain. It had been a while since our last pit stop, and I was bone dry. My throat was dry, my lips were dry. I was relieved when Dad pulled into a gas station. I jumped out of the car and ran for water.

We were traveling across the country, and I was a small town girl. I had rarely been out of Idaho. On this trip, I saw new and different things every day. At the gas station, I saw a large blue barrel with a spigot in the top. Hurray, I thought. Water. I ran to the car for a cup and filled it. I couldn’t wait to quench my thirst.

What a disaster. One taste and I spewed for all I was worth. Yuck! Whatever it was, it wasn’t water. After I spit, I dumped the rest on the pavement. I found water inside the little station and drank my fill. I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth. To make matters worse, I burped it all day.

I never knew what that nasty liquid was, and I didn’t tell anyone. At first I was embarrassed. Then I was worried. What if it was poison? What if I was going to die?

I lived with those scary thoughts for hours and then days. Instead of being relieved when I didn’t die right away, I wondered if it was a slow acting poison. Would it be a painful death? Was there an antidote? If I told, could my family get help for me, or was it already too late?

No, I couldn’t tell. I might get in trouble. They wouldn’t understand why I had drunk from the barrel. They wouldn’t understand why I hadn’t told right away. Would they be angry?

I was more afraid of telling than I was of dying.

That was nearly 50 years ago. I look back on that experience with soberness. I could have died. I am astonished that I didn’t ask for help from the people who loved me most and would have been devastated at my death. Though it seems ridiculous from this perspective, I remember with clarity the fear I felt about telling, and I understand why kids are afraid to tell when they are sexually abused.

When a child is sexually abused, they are confused and frightened. Telling is the only way to get help. Telling is the surest way to stop the abuse, yet most children are afraid to tell. They wonder who to trust. They wonder who will believe them. Sometimes they are more afraid of telling than they are of the abuse.

To us, this is hard to understand. We want to help. We cannot help if we do not know. Understanding the fear of telling can teach us how to help our kids.

1. Be a safe person for your child to talk to. Build a strong relationship. Spend time with your child talking things over. Be a good listener. Don’t over react when your child tells you things that are sensitive. Let your child know that you are willing to talk about anything. If your child feels that some subjects are taboo, you will be the last person they will tell if they experience abuse.

2. Teach your child that no one has the right to touch them in uncomfortable ways. Teach with clarity so that they understand which parts of their body are private. A simple explanation is that private parts are the parts of the body that are covered by a two piece bathing suit for girls, or any swim suit for boys.

Have frank discussions with your teenagers. Teenagers need someone to talk to about sexuality. You do not want to leave this to chance. Teach teenagers to respect their bodies and to stand up for themselves if they are being manipulated, bullied, or abused.

Teach children and teenagers to recognize situations where they need help. Teach them to tell.

3. Model respect. Let your child see what healthy relationships look like. It’s okay for them to see parents hug, kiss, and hold hands. Show your children that you respect each other. Show respect for your own body. Respect your child. Value his/her opinions, ideas, and feelings.

4. Model problem solving and negotiation. Create opportunities for your children to voice opinions and share decision making. Give children responsibility and ownership in family work and family values. Give them lots of practice in problem solving and making choices.

5. Consider role playing. You can make up situations which will give your child a chance to problem solve in a safe setting. A child who can think things through and come up with solutions is less likely to cave under pressure. Problem solving skills empower children to take control of their own decisions, their own bodies, their own lives.

If something doesn’t feel right, check it out. Make it easy for your child to talk to you. The only thing worse than finding out that your child has been sexually abused is not finding out.

Linda Garner

]]>http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/11/afraid-to-tell/feed/0Here’s to Healinghttp://somesecretshurt.com/2011/09/heres-to-healing/
http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/09/heres-to-healing/#commentsFri, 16 Sep 2011 13:28:31 +0000http://somesecretshurt.com/?p=402I was interviewed this week by author G.G. Vandergriff. We visited about healing. Here are some of the highlights of that interview. I hope you enjoy them and that you’ll share your comments.
You have told me that you are passionate about self-worth. I have recently passed through some miraculous healing experiences, that have erased years of “abuser voices” in my head. Finally I am beginning to feel self-worth. I can tell from your website that you are an expert in this field. Could you tell us about each of your websites and how they relate to this passion of yours?

You are too kind. I am no expert, but I love teaching and writing about self-worth. Life can be harsh. We are surrounded by negative messages which can damage or destroy our self-esteem. Teenage girls are hit especially hard. A lot of women and girls struggle with feelings of worthlessness. When your self-esteem is in the toilet it colors every part of your life.

Each of my sites has a different purpose. www.somesecretshurt.com was created when my first book was published. Some Secrets Hurt was written to prevent sexual abuse. It is an unusual book, because sexual abuse is a subject that no one wants to talk about. I think it’s time we start talking about it. Too many children are being hurt, and too many adults have never healed. Sexual abuse is a devastating experience, which damages self-esteem in a deeply personal way. The website is an extension of my book. There is helpful information and tools for parents, along with articles about preventing sexual abuse.

I teach workshops on self-worth to women’s groups and youth groups. It is really rewarding for me, because I know that I am making a difference. I teach women and girls that their worth is eternal and is not attached to their looks, their possessions, their popularity, or their money. Who doesn’t need that kind of reminder?

Our worth never changes. It is eternal. We brought it with us. Our perception of worth, or our self-esteem does sometimes vary. When we base our value on external measurements, we sometimes make poor choices, that can be life altering. When we understand who we are, and our incredible worth, we can make better choices. I encourage women of all ages to look deeper and to stand in their truth.

YourTrueReflection is a place where I can write inspirational thoughts to support self-worth. I post a new thought every Tuesday and you can read them at http://YourTrueReflection.blogspot.com.

In addition I write weekly to a writer’s blog called Paper and Parchment. Most of these posts are related to writing and you can read them at http://paperandparchment.blogspot.com, also on Tuesdays.

Every once in a while I write a religious piece, about something that touches my heart or strengthens my faith. I post these rather randomly to LDS Scrapbook. You’re welcome to drop by and take a drink from my bucket of faith. You’ll find that bucket at http://ldsscrapbook.blogspot.com.

Why is it important that we arrive at a mental/spiritual/emotional place on our own before the Lord can bless us?

We have to do some work on our own before we are open to healing. As long as we are blaming someone else for our pain, we are not open to healing. The Lord cannot bless us with healing, because we have closed our hearts to it.

We also need to let go of control. If we must have control, then healing cannot come because we are not open to Father’s control. Any plea for help is short circuited because we want to be the master.

A number of years ago, I attended a piano workshop. The teacher was talking about the correct use of the body. She said, “Wherever you are hurting is where you are holding on.”

She was speaking of tension in the body, but I knew I had just learned a truth that would be my teacher.

It was not my body that was hurting, it was my heart. Holding on to sadness, grief, blame, and control were indeed causing me pain. I did not know how to let go, but in that instant I knew that letting go was the path to healing. I didn’t have to carry the burdens that I was holding on to. I have a Savior whose grace is sufficient.

I wanted to be in charge. If I was in charge, I didn’t need a Savior. I was full of blame and anger. I had to let go of blame and anger, before He could heal me, because they had filled me with poison. I wanted control. Surrendering to Him was the answer, because He alone could heal me

How would you advise someone with very little self-worth to become motivated enough to take the path to mental/emotional/spiritual/ health?

I teach people that it’s okay to love themselves. For some reason we seem to think otherwise. We seem to believe that it is conceited to feel good about yourself. We often feel that it is selfish to take care of ourselves and that a really good person will always take care of other first.

In truth, when we don’t take care of ourselves, we can become seriously depleted. Empty. Food for the hungry cannot come from an empty shelf; money for the poor cannot come from an empty purse; and service cannot come from an empty heart.

It is not selfish to take care of ourselves. It is essential. We can do so much more when we are healthy. When Jesus asked us to love our neighbor as ourselves, he meant what he said. We can’t love anyone until we love ourselves.

Is there any other vital advice that you have for us?

Here’s to healing. I love everything about it. I love it when truth doesn’t hurt any more.

Sometimes our perception clouds the truth. Painful experiences have taught us things that aren’t really true. For me, it’s like taking a truth out of my pocket, and looking at it with new eyes. What am I believing that is holding me back? What part is the truth and what part is the lie? What am I believing that isn’t true?

These questions can be really freeing. George McDonald said “Questions are like hammers that break through the dirty window of our soul, to let the light in.”

I also firmly believe that we need each other. When we despair, we need not feel alone. There are hands to hold. Hands that can lift us, if we can open our hearts and our arms. Reach out and you will find amazing help within your reach.

When we feel strong we can reach out to strengthen others. A hug, a smile, a phone call, a listening ear can be a life-line to someone who is in pain. We can “lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.”

We belong to a circle of strength. Sometimes we need to lift and sometimes we need to be lifted. It’s a beautiful thing.

]]>http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/09/heres-to-healing/feed/11Interview with Linda P. Adamshttp://somesecretshurt.com/2011/08/interview-with-linda-p-adams/
http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/08/interview-with-linda-p-adams/#commentsSat, 13 Aug 2011 21:12:35 +0000http://somesecretshurt.com/?p=400Following is a review of Some Secrets Hurt by Linda P. Adams, followed by an interview I did with her earlier this year. I hope you enjoy it.

I first came across this tender, exceptionally well-presented children’s picture book last year while thumbing through the tables at Time Out for Women. When author Linda Kay Garner replied to my call for interviews this year, I snapped up the opportunity immediately as something important to address.

I highly recommend this book as one which belongs in every home, to be gone over with sensitivity and concern from parent to child as it is read and discussed together.

With the sad and perilous statistic that one in every three to four children in our day is affected in some way — from mild exposure to severe cases — by child sexual abuse, it is a topic parents today simply cannot fail to address.

We cannot afford to just look the other way, hide our heads in the sand, pretend it doesn’t exist, or couldn’t happen to our own child. Every child needs and deserves our diligent protection: which does not include ignorance.

Presenting my interview with childrens’ author Linda Garner.

Linda Adams: How did the idea to write this come to you?

Garner: The idea came when I watched a talk show on sexual abuse. Two girls who had been abused were interviewed. They were from different communities. One was young, maybe six. The other was a teenager. Both girls had been sexually abused by a gymnastics coach. Each coach had worked hard at becoming close to the family of the girl, and created for himself a position of trust within the family circle. The girls were abused repeatedly over a period of time. The damage was extensive.

I was angry and I wanted to make a difference. I felt it was time for adults to stand up for kids and stop pretending that it doesn’t happen here. I knew that many adults never talk about sexual abuse with the children they care for. It’s a dangerous game to play. It’s like leaving a loaded handgun in the dresser without teaching kids about the use and care of guns, or the danger of playing with them.

The dialogue on the talk show was particularly meaningful for me, because I had experienced sexual abuse as a child.

No one ever talked to me about sexual touching. No one ever told me that it was not okay and that if anyone ever suggested it, I should tell. Children without that kind of teaching are at a greater risk for being sexually abused. Not understanding what is and is not appropriate does not give them a foundation for taking care of themselves.

I wrote Some Secrets Hurt to give parents tools for preventing sexual abuse. I wrote Some Secrets Hurt to give children a voice.

Linda Adams: Is this your first book?

Garner: This is my first published book. I have written several others. Most are still looking for a home. I write mostly picture books, but have dabbled in some other genres. I have two picture books that will be coming out in the next year or two. Deseret Book will be publishing my religious picture book called The Holy Ghost Box and I am working with Covenant Books on a picture book currently called A Jar of Love. The title is likely to change.

Linda Adams: Was it difficult to find a publisher for this project?

Garner: I sweat a little over this. I didn’t know how to select a publisher for a book on sexual abuse. I considered self-publishing. I knew that the subject matter was one that most publishers would be reluctant to address. I didn’t want my message watered down or changed. I knew it was done right, but would a publisher agree?

Shadow Mountain was the first publisher I submitted to, and I was so blessed to connect with them, because they believed in the book. They were hesitant, but willing to take a chance on an unknown author who had broken all the rules.

Linda Adams: Did you work with an illustrator? Was it someone you already knew or had worked with before, or knew of their work?

Garner: A picture book author usually never meets his/her illustrator. Publishers like to choose the illustrators. I knew this, yet I felt inspired to do things differently. I met Brandilyn Speth soon after I wrote Some Secrets Hurt. When I found out that she was an artist, I felt an instant connection. Though I hadn’t seen her artwork, I was drawn to her and invited her to illustrate my book. I never doubted that she was the right one to breathe life into Maggie.

Linda Adams: How did you feel about the results of the illustrations?

Garner: Choosing your own illustrator can be the kiss of death for your manuscript, but it proved to be the right thing to do. My editor was captivated by the illustrations. There is consistency between the text and the pictures. The pictures are done in watercolor pencil. They are charming, and have a clean, uncluttered appearance. Each page captures the emotion that I wanted for the book. Brandilyn’s work is everything I hoped for, and the folks at Shadow Mountain were supportive. We made a good team.

Linda Adams: I agree. They are appropriate to the text, tasteful, careful, and visually moving.
What has the response been to the book?

Garner: People have been complimentary. I have received some warm heartfelt letters from people who feel that the book is making a difference, who wish that the book had been written earlier, who feel that Some Secrets Hurt should be in every home. Some have asked me to get this message into the schools. Some have asked that it be translated into other languages. Others have asked me to write one for boys or one for teenagers.

Linda Adams: How have you felt about the response?

Garner: The response has been validating, but still not enough people know about this book. Getting the word out is challenging. Advertising dollars are hard to come by, so I depend a lot on word of mouth.

Linda Adams: Have you tried working with schools?

Garner: I have a wonderful presentation for schools, but most school administrators are reluctant to open this kind of discussion. They love me to come talk about writing, bullying, self-esteem, but they really get anxious when I say I want to talk about sexual abuse. I have had some great experiences presenting in high schools. It’s much harder to get into an elementary school.

Linda Adams: But isn’t this a children’s book?

Garner: I feel that Some Secrets Hurt is for everyone. When I am asked “What age is it written for?” my response is, “What age is it not written for?” It’s simple enough for a young child to understand, yet meaningful enough for a teenager to connect with, informative enough to educate parents, and powerful enough to reach out to a wounded adult.

Linda Adams: What can parents do to keep their kids safe?

Garner:
1. Be a safe person for your child to talk to. Let them know that they can talk to you about anything.
2. Talk to your child about sexual touching. Make certain they understand what is appropriate and what is not. Teenagers need this kind of dialogue as much as young children. Your teenagers may be picking up incorrect information. Don’t assume that they know what sexual abuse is if you haven’t taught them.
3. Children cannot stop sexual abuse on their own. They need help. You cannot help if you do not know that something has happened. Teach your children to tell you about anything that doesn’t feel right. Teach them to tell you if anyone tries to touch them inappropriately.
3. Know the warning signs of sexual abuse. Check out anything that doesn’t feel right. A change in relationships, eating habits, or sleeping habits can be a sign that something is wrong. Withdrawal from friends and family can be a sign. Unexplained sadness, anger, and fears are things to notice. In teenagers, there may be additional signs such as fear of dating, a desire never to marry, or in some cases, promiscuity, drug abuse, or self-destructive behavior.
4. It’s smart to know where your children are and who they are with. It just makes sense to know what’s going on in their lives. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust them. It means you care.
5. If you discover abuse, remain calm and be supportive of your child. Thank your child for trusting you with this information. Notify the local authorities. Consult your family doctor. Consider counseling. Take steps to protect and validate your child. The only thing worse than finding out that your child has been sexually abused is not finding out.

Linda Adams: What message or insight do you have to share with our audience today in closing?

Garner: Sexual abuse happens everywhere. It happens in the best of families, and in the nicest neighborhoods. It happens in every culture and in every religion. It happens in rich families and poor families, educated and uneducated. There’s no way to guarantee that it won’t happen to your child, but you can give your child tools, and you can give your child a voice. You can start by talking about it.

]]>http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/08/interview-with-linda-p-adams/feed/4Not About Elephantshttp://somesecretshurt.com/2011/08/not-about-elephants/
http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/08/not-about-elephants/#respondTue, 09 Aug 2011 17:18:41 +0000http://somesecretshurt.com/?p=387Hey! There’s an elephant in the living room.

Shh. We’re pretending it’s not there.

That’s crazy. It’s enormous and it’s noisy.

Maybe if we act casual no one will notice.

Are you kidding me?

Just look the other way. Pretend you don’t see it.

No way. Look at the mess it’s making.

No one would allow a real live elephant in their living room. The consequences would be disastrous. The mess would be unbelievable. Still we do have elephants in our living room. They are the things we don’t want to talk to about and want to pretend are not really there.

I wrote a book about my elephant. My elephant is called sexual abuse.

No one wants to talk about sexual abuse. Most people would rather it didn’t happen, but ignoring it won’t make it go away.

Our best defense against sexual abuse is education. We need to start talking about it. We need to open the doors of knowledge because knowledge is power. Kids who don’t know about sexual abuse are more at risk than kids who have been informed. Parents who don’t understand the danger of sexual abuse may miss the chance to arm their kids with tools. Uninformed parents may also miss the warning signs that something is wrong.

It isn’t easy to talk to kids about sexual abuse, but wise parents find the words. If you don’t know how to open this discussion, Some Secrets Hurt was written for you. Get your copy today and have that talk. Empower your child to take control of his or her own body.

This is Part 2 of His Grace is Sufficient. If you missed Part 1 “In the Quiet Heart is Hidden Sorrow that the Eye Can’t See, click here.

Consider this sister’s story. “I was abused as were my siblings when we were younger by a stepfather from hell. We never told anyone because we thought there was something wrong with us. I pushed everything to a distant place where I did not deal with it well. I was thirteen. I am now sixty two. After this last conference the door that had been locked tight was opened and the pain I felt was immense, the hate I had for him beyond words. I felt like I needed to throw up, my stomach hurt so bad.

“I cried for hours with the loss of something so precious in my childhood, and the feelings of being betrayed. I felt all the hate I could and shared it with one of my sisters. I read about forgiveness and then prayed to be able to forgive and felt the love of the Savior…and the release of all that hate and sadness…My mother never knew until I was 18 and getting married, but the important thing is that we can heal and through the love of our Savior Jesus Christ we can be healed and feel loved.”

Addressing the topic of forgiveness for the perpetrator of sexual abuse, Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Now, the work of the Church is a work of salvation. I want to emphasize that. It is a work of saving souls. We desire to help both the victim and the offender. Our hearts reach out to the victim, and we must act to assist him or her. Our hearts reach out to the offender, but we cannot tolerate the sin of which he may be guilty. Where there has been offense, there is a penalty. The process of the civil law will work its way. And the ecclesiastical process will work its way, often resulting in excommunication. This is both a delicate and a serious matter.

“Nevertheless, we recognize, and must always recognize, that when the penalty has been paid and the demands of justice have been met, there will be a helpful and kindly hand reaching out to assist. There may be continuing restrictions, but there will also be kindness.”[i]

The Church offers help to the perpetrator of sexual abuse in the form of counseling, support groups, and addiction recovery programs. The Church’s Addiction Recovery Manual is a wonderful resource for those recovering from addictions of any kind including pornography addictions and sexual addictions. It is available for a nominal fee at Church Distribution Centers. It is also available for free download from the Provident Living section of the Church’s website. Here is the direct link. http://www.providentliving.org/familyservices/AddicitonRecoveryManual_36764000.pdf

The Addiction Recover Manual is a powerful help to those seeking change and repentance, but it doesn’t stop there. It is powerful medicine for anyone trying to get closer to Christ and for anyone trying to access the healing power of the atonement. This may include perpetrators, victims, and the families of both.

One member shared these feelings about the Addiction Recover Program. “One of the best kept secrets in the Church is the ARP! Every single member (addict or not) who desires to apply the atonement in their life may attend these meetings and use the guide. I have grown so much as I have participated. My testimony has grown and I no longer harbor resentments, anger and fear. ARP is a safe place where we get to share our healing and hope and receive the grace to continue to come unto Christ no matter what has happened to us or what we have done.”

For those seeking to forgive those who have abused them, the Addiction Recovery Program may open doors that seem locked. Forgiveness of such heinous behavior may seem impossible to some, yet complete healing lies beyond the doors of forgiveness.

Complete healing is only possible through the grace of Jesus Christ. His atonement is the miracle that opens those doors. His grace is sufficient.[ii]

My heart is full of love for Thee Because I know Thou first loved me.Now by that love I’ll seek to liveAnd freely, like Thyself, forgive.[iii]

Forgiveness changes us from the inside out and helps us heal, but forgiveness does not mean that we accept or tolerate evil. The abuse must not be swept under the carpet. Forgiveness does not take away the consequences for the perpetrator of evil acts. The perpetrator must be made accountable. As we forgive, we must do what is necessary to stop the abusive acts of others. They must not be allowed to repeat their evil deeds, against us, or against others.

Forgiveness is not easy. It is essential for complete healing. Christ offers us complete healing. Learning to forgive is sometimes like putting a puzzle together, one piece at a time, much as President Uchtdorf described learning to know Christ. Perhaps learning to know Christ and learning to forgive can happen simultaneously.

“Those who diligently seek to learn of Christ eventually will come to know Him. They will personally receive a divine portrait of the Master, although it most often comes in the form of a puzzle—one piece at a time. Each individual piece may not be easily recognizable by itself; it may not be clear how it relates to the whole. Each piece helps us to see the big picture a little more clearly. Eventually, after enough pieces have been put together, we recognize the grand beauty of it all. Then, looking back on our experience, we see that the Savior had indeed come to be with us—not all at once but quietly, gently, almost unnoticed.”[iv]

“Forgiveness,” said Russell Osguthorpe “is a choice. It’s a choice that leads to a personal characteristic—a way of being. It’s really a choice to follow the Savior. It’s a choice to do his will and not ours. It’s a self-forgetful choice. It’s a way of getting outside ourselves, going beyond our own weaknesses and doing what God wants us to do.”[v]

When your heart was filled with anger,Did you think to pray?Did you plead for grace, my brother,That you might forgive another,Who had crossed your way?[vi]

What Can We Do to Prevent Sexual Abuse?

President Gordon B. Hinckley said “The Church is doing everything it can to strengthen families. Every person and institution must do their part but, in the end, strong, loving and watchful families are the best defense against child abuse.”[vii]

Repairing the damage caused by sexual abuse is possible but difficult. Prevention is preferable. Education is the key. Education can empower children and teenagers to take control of their own bodies. It is essential that children be taught about the sacredness of their bodies and how to respond to those who would misuse their trust.

1. Teach with clarity.

One woman said, “I grew up in a home where sexuality was not discussed. When I was molested by a family member, I had nothing to go on. It was confusing. Someone I loved and trusted was touching me in ways I had never imagined. He told me that it was our secret and I must never tell anyone. ‘No one else will understand,’ he said. ‘If you tell you will get in trouble.’

“The situation might have been different, if I had been taught the truth about sexuality and the sacredness of my body.”

Who would you choose to be your child’s first teacher about intimacy? Who is the most qualified to teach with tenderness and clarity? Who can teach the facts with a gospel perspective? You can be that person.

Teaching about sexuality is sometimes awkward, but with prayerful preparation you can do the job. Have age appropriate conversations and teach with sensitivity and clarity. Such conversations can be formal or casual, planned or spur of the moment.

One mother told me she enjoys talking with her daughters about intimacy one on one during backyard campouts under the stars. The peaceful curtain of night with a backdrop of stars, for her, is the perfect place for a heart to heart talk about sensitive and beautiful matters.

What should we teach about intimacy? You can start by reflecting on this thought from For the Strength of Youth. “Physical Intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. God has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage.”[viii]

When we teach about intimacy, chastity, or sexual abuse, let us not give the impression that sex is dirty. In reality, sex in the right time and place is a beautiful and natural thing, ordained of God.

I remember a particular Young Women’s lesson on chastity. A beautiful flower was compared to one which had been crushed and left to wither. We were taught that if we kept ourselves pure and saved our bodies for marriage we would be like the fresh flower, but if we gave into sexual temptations we would be like the crushed flower. Used. Who wants a marriage partner that has been used?

One family uses peaches with a similar analogy. Ripe juicy peaches are compared with bruised or stale fruit. When leaving on a date their teenagers hear the words “Remember the peaches.”

Such analogies are painful and misleading to those who have experienced sexual abuse. Through no fault of their own they already feel used and unworthy. Bruised. Imagine how they feel when they hear this type of object lesson.

If you carefully consider analogies of this type you will see other flaws. Is sex dirty or undesireable? Does intimacy in marriage also make you used? Are those who marry a second time, due to death or divorce, less desireable because they are used?

There must be better ways to teach chastity?

Children should be taught that their bodies are sacred and private. They should know which parts are private. A simple definition is the body parts that are usually covered by swimsuits. Teach and model modesty. Close the door when using the bathroom. Wear a robe when walking around the house unclothed. Modesty is a lot of little things that help children understand the sacredness of their bodies.

In the True to the Faith gospel reference manual we read “…the human body is God’s sacred creation. Respect your body as a gift from God. Through your dress and appearance you can show the Lord that you know how precious your body is.” [ix]

2. Be a Safe Person for your Child to Talk To

Build a trusting relationship with your child. Help your child feel comfortable about talking to you. A parent who is quick to judge or overreact may not feel like a safe person to talk to. Does your child know that you are on his/her side? Are you quick to criticize or to advise? Do you have an open mind? Do you respect your child’s ideas?

No one goes out of their way to talk to someone who makes them feel bad. Be sensitive about your child’s feelings so that he/she enjoys talking to you. Use uplifting language. Be respectful.

Let your child know that he/she can talk to you about anything. Be interested. Be available.

Teach children to tell if anyone tries to touch them inappropriately. Teach children that anyone who asks them to keep secrets from their parents is not a good friend.

3. Build Confidence in your Child

Children with low self-confidence may have a harder time resisting abuse. Confident kids are more resilient and resistant. Abusers sometimes look for kids who lack confidence. Look for ways to build your child’s confidence.

Notice what your child does well and compliment him/her on achievements and successes. Notice good decisions, helpfulness, thoughtfulness. Foster and appreciate success and leadership qualities. Look for opportunities to sincerely praise. Praise from Dad can be especially meaningful.

Success builds confidence. Participation in sports, dance, music lessons, or other such activities can help create confidence. Not all children enjoy the same activities. Find out what your child loves and nurture it. Every child can benefit from learning a skill.

Performing can also be a boost for some children, but not all. Be sensitive to your child’s wishes. Most children enjoy being the star from time to time. If your child resists being in the limelight, help him find other ways to shine. Help your child succeed in school.

Life skills are confidence builders. Give your child opportunity to make decisions, to help make the rules, to help with dinner and other household chores. Children who contribute to family work have higher self-esteem than those who are waited on.

Be a good listener. Let your child know that you value his/her opinion. Children have good ideas. Try them out. Talk things over. Work things out. If your word is law, how will your child learn about compromise and negotiation? How will your child learn about problem solving? Children who have a voice in family decisions can use that voice when confronted with problems in real life. Children who have a voice can use that voice when confronted with abuse.

Spend time together. President Uchtdorf recently reminded us that “In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e.” When you choose time with your child over other activities, you send a strong message about how much you value that child. That’s a big confidence booster.[x]

4. Try Not to Be Paranoid

For most of us the possibility of our children being sexually abused is overwhelming and frightening. We long for a Rapunzel-like tower to lock them in. We could raise them safely by strictly controlling their environment, locking kids in and locking evil out. Tempting, but it’s not the gospel plan. Not only that, it never works.

It is impossible to completely isolate your children from possible sex offenders. Since perpetrators look perfectly normal and don’t wear any badges to identify them, we can’t tell the good guys from the bad. What we can do is teach our children how to deal with the approach.

We have spent decades teaching children to avoid strangers, but in reality a child is nine times more likely to be sexually abused by someone they know and trust. One child began to cry when she was greeted by a substitute primary teacher. “I’m not allowed to be with strangers,” she said with tears in her eyes.

Stranger is a pretty vague word, and in fact most strangers are good kind people. We don’t want our children to be afraid, we want them to be aware. It is better to teach children about the situations or actions they should avoid rather than the type of individual they should avoid.

One family has a rule that no child is allowed to be alone in a room with any man, whether he is a brother, an uncle, a neighbor, or a grandpa.

This may sound like a good idea, but remember abusers can be male or female. An abuser can be another child. An abuser can be a parent. This kind of rule may create a false feeling of security. It can also foster a fear of adult men. How will a young girl learn to trust the man she will someday marry if she has been taught to be afraid of men? Most adult men are not abusers and will likely resent be treated like one.

One woman found that her own father was the abuser of her daughters. Each of the cousins had been abused by a man no one suspected, their grandfather. The woman was devastated. The damage was extensive and healing is still taking place. However, most grandfathers are not abusers. Shall we isolate our children from grandfathers, or shall we learn to be smart and aware.

5. Be Smart

Know where your children are and who they are with. Be familiar with your children’s friends and daily activities. Children should not be left unsupervised for long periods of time. Teenagers and children should not be out alone after dark.

Be sensitive to changes in your child’s behavior. If anything feels different or uncomfortable, check it out.

In teenagers also notice signs of self-loathing, such as negative self-talk, self-destructive behavior, unhealthy attitudes toward the opposite sex. In some cases, drug abuse, drinking, and suicidal thoughts can be an outgrowth of sexual abuse.

Beware of anyone who pays unusual attention to your child, or gives inappropriate or expensive gifts to your child.

Choose babysitters with care.

Trust your feelings. If something doesn’t feel right, pay attention. The Holy Ghost may be trying to get your attention. Follow promptings. Teach your children to recognize promptings from the Holy Ghost. Make the Holy Ghost your best friend.

If you discover abuse, reassure your child or teenager. Abuse is never the child’s fault. Remind your child that he/she is not to blame. Thank your child for trusting you with important information. Talk to your bishop, consult your family physician, and notify the local authorities. Protect your child from further abuse and support your child’s healing in every way.

When a family member is the abuser, some parents are tempted to look the other way. This is devastating to the victim who is already confused about the abusive relationship. Remember that your child’s safety and healing are the first priority. Consider also the danger to other children if the perpetrator is not stopped. Reporting the abuse gives the perpetrator an opportunity to repent and an opportunity for treatment.

Disovering abuse is painful and frightening. Would we rather not know? Of course not. We want to be there for our children. We want to lead them to higher ground. We want to comfort them and teach them about their Savior. We can only do that when we know. The only thing worse than finding out that your child has been sexually abused, is not finding out.

As a young mother, I often wished that I could lock my children away from temptation, adversity, and evil. Wouldn’t we all like to shield our children from harm? We do what we can. We teach, we protect we watch, and in the end we trust.

We trust our children’s judgment because we can’t always be there, and because they need to grow. We trust life to be a thorough teacher. We hope she will be kind. We trust family and friends for strength and support, and we give back. We trust the Holy Ghost to be our compass. The Plan of Salvation will be our map. We trust the atonement to make up for our lack.

We do our best and then we ask our Redeemer to make up the difference. His Grace is Sufficient.

It was an effective object lesson on the content of movies. You get the idea. “It was a great movie allexcept that one part.” We’ve all said it. It’s not quite the same with Jello.

What if instead of a movie, the Jello represented a human life and the dog poop represented sexual abuse? Just as the dog poop changes everything about the Jello, sexual abuse changes the texture and landscape of an individual life. Cutting around the dog poop is not an option. The Jello will never be the same. “Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.”[i]

Sexual abuse is one of the most damaging experiences imaginable. Whether it happens once or a hundred times, the damage is often deep and lasting. Some children bury the secret and never tell or talk about it. These are the ones I worry most about. A child who doesn’t get help may have a very hard time healing.

When speaking about self-worth, I often open my presentation by waving a hundred dollar bill in front of the audience. “Would anyone like to have this?” I ask.

The response is immediate. Everyone would like a crisp $100.00 bill. Why? They understand its value. I crumple the bill and ask “Now, who wants it?”

They all do.

I stomp on the bill, shout at the bill, and I may even tear it, write on it, or smudge dirt on it. “Who wants it now?”

They still want the money. Despite what I have done to it, I haven’t changed its value.

Everyone understands the value of money, but some have a hard time understanding their own value. This is particularly true for those who have been sexually abused. Though we each have scars of some sort, the scars left by sexual abuse are deeply personal, and difficult to overcome.

A person who has been sexually abused is often burdened by feelings of worthlessness. Some feel that they can never be good enough, that they can never be loved or accepted. They feel broken. They are like the hundred dollar bill which has been crumpled, torn, and dirtied, yet their value is real.

It is important for each of us to understand that our worth does not change. It is eternal. We brought it with us. Our worth comes from our Father in heaven, who knows us personally and loves us no matter what. Our worth comes from our Savior Jesus Christ who bought and paid for us through his precious blood. Our worth is related to our potential as divine sons and daughters of heavenly parents, rather than our achievements.

Our worth is not dependent on our goodness, our possessions, our intelligence, or our physical appearance. Our worth does not increase with the items we check off on our “to do” list. These things can make us feel good, but they do not increase our value.

There is a subtle but important difference between self-esteem and self-worth. Self-esteem is what we think of ourselves and it can change. Self-worth goes much deeper. It is who we are. It does not change. It is eternal.

Our worth does not diminish when things go wrong. We are not worth less when we make mistakes, when we sin, or when others abuse us. Like the hundred dollar bill our value is tangible and real. When bad things happen to us, we may feel “less than”, but it is an illusion, a counterfeit.

Satan loves us to feel worthless. He loves us to believe that we are scarred beyond repair. He encourages us to feel unlovable, unworthy, not good enough. Guilt and discouragements are his weapons of choice. He works in darkness. He is the author of lies.

Jesus is the author of truth. Love and light are His weapons of choice. He loved us enough to die for us. His love is an extension of our Father’s pure and unconditional love for us, His children.

“I testify to you that our Father in Heaven loves His children,” said President Uchtdorf in April conference. “He loves us. He loves you. When necessary the Lord will even carry you over obstacles as you seek his peace with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Often He speaks to us in ways that we can hear only with our heart.”[v]

I know my Father lives and loves me too.The Spirit whispers this to me and tells me it is true.[vi]

When someone abuses us, we are not to blame. Sexual abuse is never the victim’s fault. Elder Richard G. Scott clarified this. “Your abuse results from another’s unrighteous attack on your freedom. Since all of Father in Heaven’s children enjoy agency, there can be some who choose willfully to violate the commandments and harm you. Such acts temporarily restrict your freedom.”[vii]

Further clarification is found in For the Strength of Youth. “Victims of rape, incest, or other sexual abuse are not guilty of sin. If you have been a victim of any of these crimes, know that you are innocent and that God loves you.”[viii]

Sexual Abuse Happens Somewhere Else

Diligent parents may have a hard time understanding the risk of sexual abuse. They are inclined to think that sexual abuse only happens in seedy neighborhoods, or in dysfunctional families. The unsavory truth is that it happens everywhere, in every religion, in every race, in every neighborhood, in every culture. Sexual abuse is a plague that crosses all boundaries. We would like to think that we are different and that sexual abuse doesn’t happen in our church. How wrong we are.

The numbers are staggering: nearly one in three girls will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen, and more than one in six boys. Over two thirds of all reported victims of sexual abuse are younger than eighteen years old, and more than half of those are younger than twelve. Nearly one third of all children who are victims of sexual abuse will never tell anyone.

I know of no evidence that those numbers are different for Church members. How I wish that Church members would realize that the danger is real and take opportunity to teach their children about the dangers of sexual abuse. How I wish they would give them tools to protect themselves from abusers.

“I wish that my family had been more open,” said one abuse victim. “I wish that they had given me tools. They had never talked to me about sex, so I never told them what was happening to me.

“Some patterns of sexual abuse were repeated in my own family. The experiences were different. However, I still had no tools. Even though I had experienced sexual abuse as a child, I did not know how to protect my own children from similar experiences. I wanted to be more open with them, but I didn’t know how.

“My parents were active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They were involved in my life, and tried to do what was right, but they didn’t understand the danger and they didn’t know how to empower me.”

Richard G. Scott advised, “Parents, in appropriate, sensitive ways, teach your children of the potential danger of abuse and how to avoid it. Be aware of warning signs, such as an abrupt change in a child’s behavior, that may signal a problem. Be alert to a child’s unsettled feelings and identify their origin.”

Who can I Trust?

When a child is sexually abused their perception is altered. They see the world through different glasses. They may withdraw from friends and family. Their ideas about healthy relationships between men and women, including dating and marriage are often skewed. Their schoolwork and personal development may suffer.

Though abuse is never the victim’s fault they may feel guilty or ashamed. Having been deprived of their agency and betrayed by someone who should have protected them they often have a difficult time trusting others.

One woman who had experienced sexual abuse as a child said, “After my children were grown, I began to notice that I didn’t trust men. I trusted my husband, and most church leaders, but I was often surprised to notice men being kind and compassionate. I didn’t expect men to be nurturing or to care about others. Though I had moved on from the abuse in many ways, I had leftover feelings of mistrust, particularly for men. Part of me believed that most men were motivated primarily by sex and that they married and had families only to fulfill that desire. ”

An abused child is often a lonely child, particularly if they choose not to tell. Telling is difficult because they don’t know who to trust. The secret is so startling and so deeply personal that they are often afraid to tell. This is compounded if the secrecy has been enforced with bribes or threats. If adults seem uncaring or unapproachable, children will go it alone. Many caring adults stand ready to help, but children are often unsure.

One girl was raped at a neighborhood park at the tender age of eleven. She went to the park with friends but stayed behind when they went to the store. Her attacker was known to her. She was afraid of the future. She didn’t know how to tell her parents, but she went to the church and hung around outside the bishop’s office in the hope that he would invite her in and she could unload the terrible secret. She didn’t initiate contact with him, but hoped that he would somehow see her need.

Her parents were concerned about changes in her behavior, but they never suspected the nature of her problems. They were raising a blended family, and attributed her anti-social and disagreeable behavior to stress from the divorce and subsequent marriage, along with normal teenage angst. For a while, she frequented the foyer outside the bishop’s office, but never connected with him. Giving up, she carried her dark secret alone, until she collapsed from the mental and emotional stress in her late teens.

She was finally able to get the help she needed from a kind bishop, supportive parents, and understanding professionals.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter–day Saints Condemns Abusive Behavior

The feeling of mistrust can extend to church leaders and even to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Many abuse victims wonder why God did not protect them from abuse. We all want to be rescued from our trials, but that is not the gospel plan. Our Heavenly Father allows agency and seldom intervenes even when his children suffer. What must He feel when He sees the suffering of His children?

One survivor of sexual abuse said, “I have found it extremely difficult to feel self-worth of any kind. The little girl inside me still wonders where God was through six years of abuse. Forty years later, I still pound on the doors of heaven wanting an answer…any answer.”

Those who have been abused may have a difficult time feeling the influence of the Holy Ghost and feeling connected to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Sexual abuse may cause deep spiritual wounds that are difficult to resolve. Not surprisingly, a spiritual disconnect can occur when the abusers are active members of the church. The spiritual pain is often magnified when a perpetrator bears the Priesthood of God, however unworthily.

One young woman was abused repeatedly by three different men, first her father, then an uncle, and later her boss. “All three men were members of the church. My uncle was Elder’s Quorum President and my boss was a counselor in the bishopric. I had enough sense to understand that abuse does happen and it’s not the girl’s fault, but when it happened with three (none knew of the other abuse) and they were my priesthood leaders I decided it had to be me. There they stayed in church week after week as if nothing had happened. I knew there was guilt somewhere, but since none of them seemed to carry any, I carried it all.”

This young woman told her mother about the abuse from her father and was not believed. Eventually she told a stake president about the abuse by her uncle, the Elder’s Quorum president. The stake president was supportive and promised a church court. However the Elder’s Quorum president denied the charges and the case was dropped.

Another young woman told her mother that her father was molesting her. Her mother went to the bishop. The bishop and the girl’s father were close friends and the bishop refused to believe that he was capable of abuse. Fortunately the girl’s mother stood up to her husband and took steps to protect her daughter.

Some victims of sexual abuse, both women and men, who were not supported and believed by their bishop, have a difficult time resolving their feelings toward the church. Some remain active, but find their activity painful. Others distance themselves from church activity. For those who remain active, sometimes the motivation is feeling a responsibility to teach the gospel to their children. Though their pain is deep, their commitment is stronger. I admire their faith.

“Do not be discouraged if initially a bishop hesitates when you identify an abuser,” counseled Elder Richard G. Scott. “Remember that predators are skillful at cultivating a public appearance of piety to mask their despicable acts. Pray to be guided in your efforts to receive help. That support will come. Rest assured that the Perfect Judge, Jesus the Christ, with a perfect knowledge of the details, will hold all abusers accountable for every unrighteous act. In time He will fully apply the required demands of justice unless there is complete repentance. Your preoccupation with a need for justice only slows your healing and allows the perpetrator to continue his abusive control. Therefore you should leave punishment for the diabolic acts of abuse to civil and Church authorities.”[ix]

“No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God,” said President Gordon B. Hinckley. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church.”[x]

The LDS Church is serious about helping abused members find healing and peace. The Church’s press release on sexual abuse emphasizes this. “Helping the victim is of first concern. It is the very nature of Christians to reach out with compassion and love to those who are struggling with the agonies of abuse. It is integral to our ministry. Within the Church, victims can find spiritual guidance that eventually leads to healing through faith in Jesus Christ. Abuse victims are also offered professional counseling so they can benefit from the best of secular expertise, regardless of their ability to pay.

“The Church’s official handbook of instructions for leaders states that the first responsibility of the Church is to help those who have been abused and to protect those who may be vulnerable to future abuse.”

Can there be any doubt where the Church stands on this issue?

The Church’s press release further states “A Latter-day Saint congregation is like a big family, a group of people working together with an attitude of mutual support. The Church has long encouraged families to talk about child abuse, to educate themselves on how to recognize and prevent such tragedies. Since 1976, more than 50 news and magazine articles have appeared in Church publications condemning child abuse or educating members about it. Church leaders have spoken out on the subject more than 30 times at Church worldwide conferences. Child abuse is the subject of a regular lesson taught during Sunday meetings.”[xi]

His Grace is Sufficient

I was taught from childhood that the atonement made resurrection and repentance possible. I was married with children when I began to understand that the atonement can also relieve my pain and suffering.

For me the atonement of Jesus Christ was an exquisite one room house, glorious in every way. As I was inspired to study the atonement I learned that it was not a one room house, but a mansion on the hill, a mansion with many rooms. The atonement offered not one gift, but many.

As the eyes of my understanding were opened I began to study grace. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not believe in grace, does it? That’s what I had heard. We believe in works. Grace is what other religions believe.

Discovering grace was like seeing a sunrise for the very first time. We do believe in grace. Grace is the front door to the mansion on the hill. My works may take me up the hill, and through the heavy entrance gates. My works will lead me up the walk, but they cannot take me into the mansion, for grace is the door.

Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.[xii]

The atonement of Jesus Christ is a glorious gift. Because of Jesus Christ we can be resurrected, cleansed, redeemed, and exhalted. We rejoice in these truths, but there is more. There is so much more. The atonement is not just for sinners. The atonement offers “beauty for ashes.”[xiii]

Because of Jesus we can be supported and strengthened in every trial. We are not alone. Jesus suffered not only for our sins, but also for our sickness, our pain, and our grief. Though the results of child abuse are devastating, healing is possible through the atonement and grace of Jesus Christ.

As Elder C. Scott Grow explained, “The Savior felt the weight of the anguish of all mankind—the anguish of sin and of sorrow. ‘Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.’[xiv]

“Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions. As the innocent exercise faith in the Savior and in His Atonement and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed.”[xv]

The exquisite truth is that the atonement of Jesus Christ is real and offers comfort and hope in every situation. His Grace is sufficient. We can call on the power of the atonement to help us through troubling times. Even in the wake of sexual abuse we can find comfort and help. We can know that healing is possible for all involved and we can rely on the Holy Ghost to guide us through the process.

And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I’ll cast on him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.[xvi]

“I am a survivor of sexual abuse,” said one woman. “Many people kept telling me different ways that I could be healed, and I did try many of them. It wasn’t until I decided one summer that I would read and re-read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the New Testament, and learn of Christ, his life and his atonement [that I began to heal]. I read the four gospels about four times and felt the healing power of my Savior and began to fill with peace. I am so thankful for the scriptures and my testimony of the atonement.”

In the True to the Faith gospel reference manual we read, “Through your faith and righteousness and through His atoning sacrifice, all the inequities, injuries, and pains of this life can be fully compensated for and made right. Blessings denied in this life will be given in the eternities. And although He may not relieve all your suffering now, He will bless you with comfort and understanding and with strength to ‘bear up your burdens with ease.’” [xvii][xviii]

Some of my favorite scriptures bear the promise of peace, from the Savior of the world. Through the Atonement we can find peace, in this life and throughout eternity.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.”[xix]

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.”[xx]

“In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”[xxi]

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”[xxii]

One woman wondered why she was born into an abusive family. She endured many types of abuse including sexual. She prayed for understanding. Her answer came one day as she was weeding flowers. “When you plant flowers in your yard, where do you like to plant them?” were the words that came into her mind. I like to plant them in some ugly spot that I want to make beautiful. “That is why you were born into this family. I had an ugly spot that I needed to make beautiful.”

Some abuse victims have felt impressed that they were born into an abusive family to stop the cycle of abuse. Some have felt that they were foreordained to this task.

]]>http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/06/his-grace-is-sufficient/feed/2Under the Bandaidhttp://somesecretshurt.com/2011/04/under-the-bandai/
http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/04/under-the-bandai/#respondTue, 12 Apr 2011 19:16:32 +0000http://somesecretshurt.com/?p=301When my children were young, I attended a workshop in another city. I left my children in the care of others while I was gone. Daddy was home at night, and my capable neighbors helped out during the day. My five year old daughter took a spill from her brother’s bike while he was pumping her around the neighborhood. Our son and his friend put a bandaid on the scrape and carried on.

When I returned home a few days later, the leg was still tender and my daughter resisted walking on it. Fearing that the leg was broken I made a doctor’s appointment. The doctor removed the bandaid so that an x-ray could be performed and we both gasped in horror at what we saw. Those well meaning boys had not thought to clean the wound and had covered up a messy sore. A nurse carefully cleaned the area and even picked rocks out of the raw flesh. Several adults including my darling husband had inspected the bandaged leg, but no one thought to lift the bandage and see what was underneath.

Since the wound was several days old and badly infected serious measures had to be taken. Antibiotics were administered topically, orally, and even with a needle. The wound had to be soaked and rebandaged several times a day. I was to call the doctor immediately if anything worsened. A follow-up visit was scheduled for the next day. There was grave concern.

The danger could have been averted if an adult had looked deeper and taken appropriate measures to stop the damage. Under the cover of a bandage a serious infection had grown and threatened my daughter’s leg.

When a child has been abused, the damage is not always easy to see. A cloak of secrecy covers the abuse just as a bandaid can cover an infected wound. Secrecy is the abuser’s best friend. The abuser depends on secrecy to carry out his or her works of darkness. The secrecy is enforced through threats, guilt, presents, or flattery.

The child often keeps the secret out of embarrassment, worry, guilt, fear, or confusion. Parents may contribute to the secrecy by ignoring warning signs. Sometimes a child comes forward and is not believed or even blamed. Most parents believe the child, but are often unsure about what to do. They may be tempted to minimize the damage and encourage the child to move on without proper validation and support. Under cover of secrecy the damage can grow and fester into a nasty infection.

We can make a difference.

1. Know the warning signs of abuse. If anything doesn’t feel right, check it out. Notice things like unexplained sadness or fears, withdrawal from friends and family, change in sleeping or eating habits, nightmares, bedwetting. In teenagers suicidal or self injurious thoughts may be present. Teenagers may have a sudden dislike for the opposite sex. Some teenagers may turn to drug abuse or promiscuous behavior.

2. Build a trusting relationship with your child. Be a safe person for your child to talk to. Create opportunities for talking things over. Talk about all sorts of things, serious and not serious. Be a good listener. Let your child know that he/she can talk about anything with you.

3. Model modest behavior for your child. Model appropriate dress. Help your child to understand what is normal and natural. Teach correct principles. Be sure your child understands what inappropriate touching is and what to do about it. Teenagers need this dialog as much as young children do. Give clear guidelines without creating panic. Knowledge is power, not fear.

End the coverup. We need to start talking about sexual abuse. Get yourself some tools and open the lines of communication with your children. Protect and empower those you love by giving them information and tools. Download the free Parents Guide on this website. Print it out and become familiar with it. Print an extra for a friend. April is Sexual Abuse Awareness Month as well as Child Abuse Prevention Month.

Start Talking.

Linda Garner

]]>http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/04/under-the-bandai/feed/0Couragehttp://somesecretshurt.com/2011/02/courage/
http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/02/courage/#respondTue, 22 Feb 2011 20:24:24 +0000http://somesecretshurt.com/?p=294I am a big fan of the 5 Browns. I own some of their CD’s and have watched them in concert on several occasions. I watched the news in horror this past week as a dreadful story of sexual abuse was revealed.

Desirae (32), Deondra (30), and Melody (26) Brown, now grown women, were each sexually abused in their childhood by the man who should have protected them at all costs. Their own father. This is so unthinkable, that it is hard to wrap our minds around it. This strong religious family, with high standards and values was torn apart by the selfishness of one individual.

Are your questions like mine? Why didn’t they tell sooner? Did they tell someone, and were silenced, or not believed ? Did their mother know of the abuse? Were there threats that kept them from coming forward? Why now?

The now, has been answered. The girls’ father, once their manager, was preparing to represent other performers…girls, perhaps young girls. The Brown women decided to come forward to protect other girls. I applaud their courage.

Sexual abuse thrives on secrecy. It occurs in secret and the perpetrator demands secrecy. Sometimes the secrecy is enforced with bribes or threats. The victim may keep the secret out of shame or guilt. Others may contribute to the secrecy by pretending that it didn’t happen, or that it is somehow normal, or that the victim was at fault.

The lines are often blurred, when the perpetrator is a family member, someone who is loved and trusted. Victims feel confused. Family members are torn. Who should they believe? How can they preserve the family? What about the consequences of prosecuting, and the damage that is sure to spill into the family?

Victims are often encouraged to remain silent and to pretend that everything is ok. The victim, already damaged and confused is left to bear sorrow and pain with little support and validation. Clearly this is wrong. Clearly our first concern should be to support the victims in their healing.

Ending sexual abuse calls for courage on every front. Courage to tell. Courage to support. Courage to honor the truth. Education is key, with communication and trust intertwined. We need to education and communicate. We need to be a safe person and build trusting relationships. We need to model and teach courage.

Here’s to courage.

Linda Garner

]]>http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/02/courage/feed/0Christy’s Story Continuedhttp://somesecretshurt.com/2011/01/christys-story-continued/
http://somesecretshurt.com/2011/01/christys-story-continued/#respondSat, 29 Jan 2011 21:58:09 +0000http://somesecretshurt.com/?p=286Last week, I introduced you to a woman I call Christy. You read some of her thoughts on sexual abuse and we talked about children of abuse having no choice. Here is more from Christy. This is her personal heartbreaking story. Imagine how different Christy’s story might be, if someone, anyone, had noticed that something was wrong. What could have been different if someone had been talking to here about abuse and telling her the truth about her body? Sexual abuse thrives in secrecy. Sexual abuse is not okay, and it is never the child’s fault.

I was five when I was first molested — or when I first remember being molested. The perpetrator was a girl who was around 12. She showed me pornography and molested me repeatedly over a period of weeks. She was not a family member. My guess is that she had been molested herself.

That experience led to further molestation — at twelve, this time by an 18-year old on a church bus — at night after a church activity. By thirteen I had been raped — which continued until I was 17. At fifteen I had an abortion. This pattern of behavior continued until I joined a different Church. At that point I thought my problems were over and all I had to do was find a good man to marry — maybe one with religious heritage. My trials had only just begun. I was married in a religious ceremony to a man with precisely that heritage — he was also extraordinarily abusive. After a terrible struggle I obtained a divorce (after 16 years of marriage) — but I still live in fear of him.

I wonder if early intervention and education about being tampered with would have stopped this terrible chain of events in my life. That’s why I feel so strongly about what you are doing. I hope you will go through with your idea of the t-shirts. This sort of thing thrives in secrecy — and the sooner it becomes part of our culture to blow the whistle on perpetrators and put our arms around victims — the quicker we will see a decrease in child molestation.

I also wish that religious leaders would deal more aggressively with pornography addiction; my experience with my ex-husband showed a great reluctance on the part of church leaders to take pornography consumption seriously enough to impose consequences — even though pornography addiciton so often leads to terrible abuse of women, children, and even other men.

Thanks for giving me a chance to say my piece. You are welcome to share my story if you need it. I will watch your updates, too, and will buy a t-shirt if they ever become available. I hope you hold a large awareness event, sometime — a walkathon or something. We see this being done for many physical diseases but hardly at all for this kind of problem.