SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I am one year post D-day. I have never considered us in R. In fact, I spent the first 10 months knowingly in false R because WH remained actively engaged in his online activity with his sex sluts (although in free chat) and still in email contact with his “girlfriend.” WH was lying to me every day by continuing this activity and constantly begged me for “another chance.”

The pain was excruciating. I tried to make him leave in the beginning of November and he refused. As a last ditch effort, we began MC in the beginning of December and he lied through 4 months of weekly sessions before he quit. I saw a lawyer and told WH I was done in April. That was the day WH said that HIS world came crashing down and he asked me for a FINAL chance. He began IC (for the second time) and has been off the site as far as I can tell.

I am in IC, but I am in limbo and can’t seem to just let go. I told WH I will never completely trust him as he betrayed my trust, and I will never love him as deeply and completely as I did before because he destroyed my unquestioning devotion and broke my heart.

So my question is, what are your needs? As BS we say the WS needs to do the “hard work” and meet our needs. As strange as it sounds, I don’t know what they are supposed to be. Honesty, transparency, etc. - of course. But, I spent over 35 years taking care of everyone else’s needs (kids and WH) that mine seem to have gotten lost in the shuffle.

WH says that anything he does will “seem false” because he is expected to do it, so he does NOTHING! WH told me that I just need to “get around this” so we can live the rest of our lives together. It seems to me that WH is just waiting for me to get over it so we can go back to normal. Doesn’t work for me!

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012

painpaingoaway♀ 27196Member # 27196

Posted: 1:57 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

Hi NS! I haven't seen you on here in ages !!!! ((((Nightsky))))

WH says that anything he does will “seem false” because he is expected to do it, so he does NOTHING! WH told me that I just need to “get around this” so we can live the rest of our lives together. It seems to me that WH is just waiting for me to get over it so we can go back to normal.

So, do you mean that he has said this to you since you told him you were done in April? If so, he is a complete idiot, and, IMO, you need to file.

Okay, so, to answer your actual question....
What does FWS do to meet my needs? Well, of course honesty and transparency go without even saying, but also, my H needs to treat me like a princess! He needs to be kind, supportive, encouraging, and loving. He needs to see, and comment on the positive in all people (not just me, but everyone) and all situations. (He has always been rather negative in the past, always saw the glass half empty rather than full).

He needs to address his FOO issues, and and his boundaries. He has always had issues with being too 'friendly' with people, and has needed to rein himself in. As we all know, some broken women think that 'friendly' men want to fuck them, and down the rabbit hole (correction, ho-hole) they go.

He is NEVER allowed to raise his voice to me unless he is screaming 'FIRE' or 'SNAKE'.

He is to read any and every book, article, whatever that I ask him too.

And most of all, HE NEEDS TO FIND WAYS TO COMFORT AND APPRECIATE ME ON HIS OWN!!!!

Is he perfect? Lord no. Does he try? Yes he does. Sometimes he screws up, but it is the trying that counts in my book.

I want a man that can be truthful and honest in ALL things. I want one that communicates about everything...especially his feelings and what's bothering him.

I want him to keep or try to keep all the promises he made me on D-day...that was 5 years ago and to this day not very many have been kept...but according to him it's my fault cuz I'm not just letting it go and forgetting about it like I did in times past.

I'd like a man that would search and search the web and books to try and figure out how to make me happy and how to fix what HE broke rather than him waiting for me to heal myself when I finally "get over it." In my birthday cards he writes "get well soon"...no pressure there!!

I want him to acknowledge me when I'm having a trigger and try and help me through it by saying I'm sorry or whatever it takes instead to just turning away and pretending its not happening.

I want a man that's a real man and not a lying cheater.

Not sure if my WH will ever be able to do any of this...I'm thinking not!! First there has to come the desire to fix things but when it gets too hard and uncomfortable he just quits or runs to a different room or out to the bush...feeling sorry for himself!!

A hopeless situation!!

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: canada

Nailinmyforehead♂ 38427Member # 38427

Posted: 2:33 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

I expect my FWW to be sensitive enough to me and what is going on with me to recognize when I am triggering, or having a rough time of it mentally and to help stop it in its tracks. To look me in the eyes without asking, and express to me how sorry she is to have done this to our family. To come to me, without me initiating anything and let me know how thankful she is for the second chance. To be open and on any occasion when there is anything she may think that I would want to know, to come to me on her own and let me know. To be open with her phone, and online accounts.

"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio

catlover50♀ 37154Member # 37154

Posted: 2:38 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

I initially thought I just needed fidelity, honesty and loyalty. But as we have worked through this and my H's issues have been uncovered, I realized that I needed to have a true emotional bond, intimacy, feel adored and cared for. I needed to have my desires puts first on a regular basis and have a true partner around the house. And romance!

Part of me always knew that I was missing that, but I just made the best of it. Now that I have all that I refuse to go back. My H has asked me to hold him to a higher standard, and I do.

The thing is, he is so much happier too now that he is able to give me all that. He feels whole and at peace, probably for the first time in his life.

I must add that through the years I did ask for these things and he was unable to give them to me; he would just withdraw. It took the utter devastation of the A aftermath before he could face the truth about himself. So just asking for these things is often not enough.

Good luck.

Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast

ifinallyfoundme♀ 39523Member # 39523

Posted: 2:39 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

I want the same as everyone else, honesty transparency etc. Right now my AH thinks he can "date" me and somehow we will be back together. I've been in counseling but currently taking a break because I'm tired of talking about him. I've been focusing in on me, having fun, and letting him "date" me. When he brings Christ into the marriage I will start to take him seriously.
There are just too many things to do to go back to being a nurse maid, cook, house cleaner. for this guy.
He thought I got fulfilment from doing those things.. ifinallyfoundmeRight now I'm in a good place, and there are just too many men who would love to take his place

Yes lots of sex. The one thing I do know is the OW may have been easy but it was pitiful sex. Not that he didn't enjoy pitiful sex now.
He is so afraid of me hooking up and enjoying the love of a faithful man.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States

libertyrocks♀ 38924Member # 38924

Posted: 3:01 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

I don't have advice, but I"m in limbo, too...So I understand you.

My needs are reassurance on every level (emotionally, physically, sexually, etc) to prove he wants me again, NC with OW, which has been proven, but now I seem to want "fun" in my life. I want to to the things I used to do but couldn't in the past. He had "fun" doing the things he liked, I want that, too. But, without him. I've been doing 180 and it's awesome. It makes him want me more.

As far as I'm concerned, he broke my heart already and I'm getting over him, even though we're in R, false R, attempting R, whatever. Fuck R and fuck him right now. 7 months out and I'm still royally pissed off...

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013

nightsky♀ 35728Member # 35728

Posted: 4:46 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

Thank you all for your replies. They are very helpful and enlightening.

It has only been about 6 weeks since I blew up WH’s world by telling him that I wanted a divorce. WH actually said to me the next day that after putting me through the agony of false R for 10 months, that he was finally taking me seriously because he could see that HIS world was being destroyed. How’s that for compassion and empathy!

Frankly I think WH is resentful that he has to do ANYTHING. He can’t ignore the fact that he secretly drained a mind-boggling amount of money out of our life savings. If not for the money, WH would just say that I am making too much out of all this, it was a game and meant nothing! But he can’t, because he did - and he resents ME for it.

WH is still adamant that this is not an affair! Both his IC, my IC and our MC disagreed and said it absolutely is infidelity. I need WH to be honest about his actions. How can he truly understand the depth of the pain and devastation he unleashed in my life if he refuses to acknowledge the reality of his actions.

WH had it pretty sweet. I took care of everyone’s life - including WH’s. After the kids left home, I began telling WH that I was done raising my children and that I wanted a PARTNER. I think part of WH’s resentment stems from the fact that he has never had to do any of the (hard) work. I told him I should not have to lay out some kind of golden plan for him to follow to fix the mess that he has made in our marriage and to repair the damage that he did to my life. WH doesn’t like that one bit!

Comfort me when I am triggering - not even a little. He doesn’t even know why I am triggering and reacting the way I do and gets pissy about it.

WH no longer says “I love you” or tries to hug or kiss me. I told him during false R, “why would I want a LIAR to hold and kiss me, why would I want to have sex with a LIAR!” So now he does nothing! He says it makes him too sad when I freeze up when he tries to hug or touch me.

I don’t know why I am having such a hard time letting go. I am so frustrated with myself! I know I am standing in the way of my own healing. Do I have any faith that WH will ever be able to do the work to repair the damage he has done - no, not really. He is just too lazy and selfish.

Liberty, I wish I could get pissed off! I don’t know why I haven’t but I think it would help push me off the limbo fence if I could.

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith" Margaret Shepard

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2012

BlindSighted2013♀ 39423Member # 39423

Posted: 8:17 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

I initially thought I just needed fidelity, honesty and loyalty. But as we have worked through this and my H's issues have been uncovered, I realized that I needed to have a true emotional bond, intimacy, feel adored and cared for. I needed to have my desires puts first on a regular basis and have a true partner around the house. And romance!

Part of me always knew that I was missing that, but I just made the best of it. Now that I have all that I refuse to go back. My H has asked me to hold him to a higher standard, and I do.

The thing is, he is so much happier too now that he is able to give me all that. He feels whole and at peace, probably for the first time in his life.

That's it for me in a nutshell also. I thought for so many years that WH was simply not capable of so many things, and so I took up the slack everywhere.

Come to find out, he was QUITE capable of carrying on a whole second life for 12 years right under my nose.

No more codependent me. I don't WANT what we used to have (obviously we didn't have it any way). If I stay in this M, then he needs to be the man of my dreams.

It's still too early here and I don't know if I want to R for sure, but I figure that it can't hurt to wait a bit and see just what may pan out.

Catlover, LOVE reading that your FWH has a whole new self confidence level now. Very inspiring!

D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013

refuz2bavictim♀ 27176Member # 27176

Posted: 9:16 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013

In the beginning I required the basics such as boundaries, transparency etc....

As I have progressed in my own healing, I have really had time to determine what it is that I want/need from a relationship with anyone.

My only requirement/need from him is that he desires and works toward becoming a healthy person, with integrity, boundaries and the ability to connect fully with me.

That involves him actively changing his reactions, his boundaries and learning to enjoy life, and not seek pleasure. I guess my need is that he "grow up" and own who he is and work to become the very best person that he can be. He will do all those things that have already been stated above, and look for ways to do more, not because he has to, but because he wants to.

I don't want to spend my life having to dictate terms to him. It is tiring.
I expect to be in a relationship with a healthy person and I offered him the first right of refusal! I want to be married to someone who I feel is my equal and who feels they are mine.

I don't know if that makes sense or is too broad of a statement. I see it the same way that a medical student is taught to "do no harm". If my husband is healthy and whole, all the details that make that up will come in that package without me having to set detailed boundaries or rules for him to follow.

oops I accidentally erased my old signature and I'm sorry for all of my edits, it seems I need glasses.

Posts: 2411 | Registered: Jan 2010

itainteasy♀ 31094Member # 31094

Posted: 7:13 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013

I'm almost 5 yrs out from my fiance's trip down the slippery slope/inappropriate friendship. I consider us to be fully reconciled. I even trust him. But I verify.

My needs right now (because they are always evolving) are:

-Open communication (he's a stuffer/conflict avoider)
-transparency
-honesty
-we have to laugh
-he "courts" me
-he answers every question about her that I ask (and I still ask at times.)
-if I'm angry about it, he listens, and tells me he is sorry, and tells me it will never happen again, and why it will never happen again.
-he reads books that I ask him to.
-he is ALWAYS available--he never lets me go to voicemail, he never ignores my calls/texts
-he doesn't drink to get drunk anymore. he doesn't really drink at all anymore.
-he doesn't go to social functions (bars/parties/concerts/festivals/etc) without me
-whenever he meets someone new he immediately either introduces me, or mentions me so there are no mistakes about his status.
-i have the final ok about his friendships.

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA

windowsnotwalls♀ 36983Member # 36983

Posted: 7:17 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013

My IC had me do an exercise that totally took my WS out of the picture.

He grabbed his marker and headed to the white board, drawing a line down the center.

In GENERAL, "what do you want" in a man? (left column), "What don't you want?" (right column). Then he left the room to make himself some coffee leaving me with the marker to jot things in each column.

When he returned, he drew a horizontal line 1/3 up the board. Then below that line, he wrote the 5 love languages: Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Verbal, and Gifts.

My assignment for the week was to break down the things I want into the love languages, and add others in too I hadn't thought of in our session.

This gave me a good clear picture of the specific things I want and don't want, shown in various ways.