Ever since the other day when Ross Ulbricht’s flailing defense tried to finger Mark Karpeles, SA Forums goons have done some investigating and found that Karpeles not only could have hacked Ulbricht’s laptop through bittorrent, but he’s also apparently had a hand in much bigger events in history. The Buttcoin Foundation and its many members wish to share with you this evidence:

Erenthal:

uncurable mlady:

Erenthal:

Furthermore, it seems that Karpeles and other Bitcoin superstars have been around much longer than anyone knew.

Bitcoin Jesus 2.0 Roger Ver’s been denied re-entry to the United States recently, since he’s a whiny jerkwad who threw a fit over taxes and renounced his citizenship. He can’t come to various Bitcoin conferences in person, so in the vein of fellow Bitcoin criminal Charlie Shrem, he’s going to attend conferences via an iPad on wheels.

To celebrate this development, goons spent the afternoon thinking up better names for this arrangement than “Double” or “iPad on a stick”.

After months of silence following the totally unexpected and catastrophic collapse of the Magic: the Gathering Online eXchange, its CEO Mark Karpeles (AKA MagicalTux) has returned to the internet, posting on Twitter about PHP, yakisoba, and the Tokyo subways. It’s some pretty mundane stuff, and it’s obvious that he’s just trying to return to a somewhat normal life in glorious Nippon.

Everybody whose shit was pushed in by the invisible hand, however, doesn’t want him to forget his follies and are intent on reminding him that they threw thousands of dollars away “investing” in an unstable proof of concept created by an anonymous libertarian. Read on for a lengthy gallery of people who have made terrible decisions:

Bitcoin fans rejoice! The once prestigious, ranked 39th out of 40 Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl in St. Petersburg, Florida, is now known as the Bitcoin bowl, thanks to the VC-funded, “we don’t have a business model” Bitcoin company Bitpay, who spent a whole $375,000 to sponsor the college bowl game for three years. No, this isn’t a desperate cry for legitimacy after Dogecoin sponsored NASCAR’s Josh Wise and sent him rocketing to weird internet stardom.

Naturally, some of the rules of college football will have to change to reflect the Bitcoin community’s values and standards. Thankfully, my awful pals at the SA forums have been more than happy to make some suggestions:

MORE CURLY FRIES:

put all the scores in the blockchain

MORE CURLY FRIES:

all plays take a ten minute break while everyone watching decides whether they agreed with what they saw

TVarmy:

i really hope they implement a tipping system at the game, where people in the stands pelt the players with quarters.

duTrieux.:

anybody who purchases at least 51% of all tickets gets to decide how the game ends

mr Scoop:

when scoring a touchdown players need to remember to pay the score transaction fee so the points will be confirmed before the end of the game

MORE CURLY FRIES:

instead of having players sent off the field for professional misconduct they must wear a special RULE BREAKER shirt so other players know not to do sport with them

FrozenVent:

25 points are awarded every 10 minutes

theflyingorc:

Halftime scheduled for Pattaya Thailand

Several field goals are orphaned

Field can only handle a maximum of 7 players at a time

haveblue:

clever coach sneaks sticker with team name into ref’s logbook, team credited with every touchdown that season

Chum Scandal:

players encouraged to remove pads and helmet to avoid overheating

bisticles:

The scoreboard is just a listing of every point scored by every team in every sport since the beginning of time

What if the Bitcoin economy and community had existed in a different time? The SA forums goons took it upon themselves this weekend to explore this alternate history and what might have been.

Parallel Paraplegic starts things out with this:

People here are always pointing out how Bitcoin is all the lessons learned over the last thousand years about why we have protections and the economy that we have in fast forward, but I don’t even think some peasant living a thousand years ago would be as bad at money as some of the things I’ve seen Bitcoiners do.

Mammon Loves You immediately responds with this:

Lost all my wheat, Depressed, Pointless rant (self.Barter)

submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah6969

Last harvest I put all my wheat in the back of my wagon and then I went into town to trade the wagon for a pig but I forgot about all the wheat in it. So angry at myself right now.

Orange Sunshine won’t be fooled again!

Jebediah Miller is a scoundrel!

He has sworn that for every bushel of corn lent to him, he would return 3 bushels by week’s end. All were led to believe that he would plant this corn and that, by some method not disclosed, his farm would produce a plentiful bounty for everyone. But instead he and his family have grown fat eating our corn, and have done no farming whatsoever! I have given over to his trust the bulk of my farm’s production this year, and I know not how I will survive the upcoming winter.

Feinne has been spotted nailing theses in odd places

I petitioned for a sign proclaiming him a cad to be affix’d ‘pon his door but he merely exchanged his ill-gotten corn to the local lord to have it removed!

Splicer was found unconscious and gibbering next to a mining rig

Deal not with Butterfly Stables! (self.Horses)

submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah420

In return for a princely sum we were promised their finest dray-horse for January gone. This November morning I received what is mine; a nag of a horse worked near to death farming their own fields!

Pictures of my sweet farming rig! (self.FarmHacks)

submitted 6 hours ago by DryberryFarms

<crude woodcut of three ploughs nailed together vertically, all pulled by a single goat>

I have been feeding him naught but paraffin to improve his humors. Working well so far, some overheating.

QuarkJets must have used a cheap Chinese goose

I traded my donkey for a goose that lays golden eggs. The salesman said that you have to keep feeding it all of your food or else it will get jealous and lay no eggs at all. I keep feeding this accursed goose and it just honks loudly at me and never lays any eggs. After a few weeks of this my family was starving so I gave my son a crust of bread and the goose burst into flame, burning down my house.

Paladinus was spotted later lamenting the loss of his horse pictures

‘Tis come to my attention that some of you doubt the method behind alchemy. To this I say unto you the following. Times upon times have I been able to buy potions and black magic spells with the gold I’ve created through alchemic processes, a feat impossible with coins minted by the King. Before I was under close examination of inquisition, but now I have no fear for my life. If it is not a proof enough for you, you damn yourself with your own ignorance.

happyhippy will sell you a sack of unsigned royal contracts for cheap

So I met the dasterdly scoundrel round the back side of the local inn. In the stable area.
He was unkempt of hair and had a cheese like aroma to him, specially from his hands.
Before we could haggle for a good price of mine coines, he began to verse virtuous on not to sell them!
He said that rather selling to him, instead invest it with him in an adventure he proposed.
“An automatic coine exchange machine place in every inn and rest house!” I exclaimed.
“But good sir, who shall feed the ferrets in each contraption?!” I retorted.
The answer was not forthcoming. I cussed under my breath and walked away knowing he had no inclination to buying mine buottcoines.

Mammon Loves You could have been saved if only there were still SCAMMER placards

After becoming suspicious at the number of eggs that the trader “William” was willing to exchange for half a skinned rabbit I followed him home only to discover he is naught but a golem created from straw and clay by the moneylender Ephraim.

OwlBot 2000 is a serial smith-entrepreneur and will speak at your cathedral for a fair bit of gold

Hath not men of Reason found intrinsic Value to be without sense and without vigor? Foode is deare only by virtue of its Scarceness, and like may be said of all things in Nature; for Scarceness is the fount from whiche Value flows.

Of late it seems like a great deluge of charlatains and conny-catchers hath afflicted our towne market.
How shall an honest yeoman tell curs and blackguardes apart from righteous menne, and not be unjustly parted from his buttecoines?
Mayhap we could add a scarlet lettering of some kynde beneath their likenesses.

thiswayliesmadness lives up to his name

I hath the idea to begin upon my greatest venture ever: A grand tourney for all the Lords and Ladies of the land to attend. There will be 25 different varieties of Punch and Judy shows for the urchins to partake, and my neighbor agreed to lend 3 of his mules for the knights to ride on. All I require from you is 3 wagons of lumber to hammer into the stands to make my dream come true. If I get enough donations I will hire this bard whom claims his ballads shall end the Great Crusades and bring about peace to all of his Majesty’s kingdom.

And finally, Jalumibnkrayal has big plans to match his big appetite and small mind

Goode day to all Christian persons read-ing this.

I most humbly request a king’s ransom of gold should be bequeath-ed to myself for mine purpose of rais-ing the Hub Barn of Rochelle in the Land of Wild Onions, so heathen named. Tis fallen in shameful disrepair as no men of God have lent hand or hoof to restore’t. I am no sickwaddle, and having work-ed on the lands of Ray D’Oshack, am willing to stipend half my living wages to this endeav-or. Tis not enough! We are still needed Thirty-Five times Ten-Thousand coins of kingsmark.

Moneys all needed for deeding mineself to hold title royal suff-icient to own this land and new barkeep sundries, as list-ed herein:

Five-foote bubble-watre fountain table.
Four-feete wooden boxe with fine latche and copper fittings.
One-and-one-half-foote pits dug for dumping of trash and night-soils.
One metal flat boarde, warm-ed underneath with burn-ing dung.
Thousandes of drink-ing bowles of diff’rent size and shape, all pleasing to God’s eyes.
Bavarii meat stick cook-er.
Bavarii meat stick bark powder.
Thousandes Bavarii meat stick metal twiggs.
Sweetsap spinning wheel, manned by those of befuddled mind.
Thousands drams of sweetsap and papers for gripp-ing.
Ye Tiny Wytches Bath, so made for browning of meats in hotoil.
Sundry devices for eating hotted cattle grains.
Clever Barnaby’s Bubble-Watre Fountain, a magni-ficent product of tubes of bent brass, piping noises and sully tank. Rotting fishes placed in tank do produce noxious vapors to travel through tubes and into tasty Bubble-Watres for drinking.
Five-gallones plagueman’s pepper concoction.
Five-gallones amber tincture of His Royal Crowne.
Five-gallones syrups of lemon and Orbs De Hispania.
Five-gallones lemon juices and blood.
Five-gallones grape-fruit novel-ty sweetsip.
Hub Barn itself.
Enough rugs such that no bare foot can touche God’s earth.
Engel Epson, man of loude yell-ing to talk about the pictures in the front of the barn.
Various jars of oils, spices, and ferments to place upon cook-ed Bavarii meats.
One eunuch, with iron hipbox for collection of moneyz from all who enter.
One raven, train-ed to bring creditte slips to local cave of hasids.
One firebox.
Enough boulders and haybales such that any Christian might sit and rest.
One firebox for make-ing papist pies.

To any Whom would ask WHY SHALL I ENTER INTO THIS BARN WHENCE I HAVE ONE OF MINE OWN?

Long-travelled from the Celestial-worshipping Orient, we have drawings of the Bear In the Hat, who did Travel the World in his Sky-chariot!

When we last left our intrepid heroes, UberJumper and his nameless (and unlucky) friend, they were meeting random strangers in parking lots and banks, only to be offered sacks full of unactivated Amazon gift cards and rubber checks in exchange for their hoard of early adopter bitcoins. That was weeks ago, and today we’re going to catch up and see how successful they’ve been.

One suggestion that came up over and over again was that they register and confirm their identities with Canadian exchange site CaVirtEx, and cash out there, since Mt Gox has a waiting list that extends into 2015 and other sites are even sketchier. The Canadian Bitcoin ATM is located in another city and wouldn’t be able to handle the volume they’re exchanging. So they finally ended up verified and find themselves halted yet again:

This is awesome. My friend dumps 5 bitcoins on Virtex to sell. Then tries to cash out his monthly max of 3k, and his account is immediately flagged as suspicious and locked.

It was then noted that CaVirtEx has excessively sensitive automated ban/warning systems.

We shall see how long it takes for them to respond to him. Considering it already takes a week apparently for them to send the money via wire transfer.

Someone explain to me how this is easier than paypal?

No one could provide an answer, and as time progressed, UberJumper’s frustration grew more and more apparent.

This is fucking retarded. Virtex is apparently so backlogged, the current estimate on getting verified is over a month. In the mean time Virtex holds everything you have on their site hostage.

We have tried to sell butts for the last 2.5 weeks, and we have only sold a grand total of 11 butts (i.e. gotten money for it), on top of this all of those sales came when we were selling for less than half the price.

With the price of bitcoin going up up up, i find it hilarious that trying to actually get something useful out of the stupid internet coins has been so fucking difficult.

Resident idiot/troll how!! suggested meeting local weirdos from Craigslist, because he can’t seem to pay attention to the situation at hand.

Isn’t that what localbitcoins is for? We tried that and it was a tedious as fuck process, and we sold almost nothing. We try posting it on Kijiji, and got a single hit. So please tell me where the fuck are these magical people who are jumping over each other to buy bitcoin with cash.

These magical people are all apparently college kids buying weed on Silk Road, which had been closed down for nearly two months by this time. Every “replacement” Silk Road site has turned out to be a honeypot or a scam. how!! is clearly lying, but that was never really in doubt.

In response to yet another fool being parted with his money:

I find it funny that Bitcoin is what 1,000$, yet he is selling for less than half of that.

Tomorrow i get to go with my friend and meet two buyers

Does anyone know if you can go into a bank and have them check a cashiers check to make sure its legit?

The next day:

Ugh went with my friend to meet 2 buyers. Story time

We go to meet the first buyer at a bank, who wanted a 120$ in BTC. He didn’t show up at all, finally we call him and turns out he changed his mind and doesn’t want any after-all. So basically he wasted our time.

Yay

The second buyer was someone who contacted my friend through kijiji, and was interested in buying 25 coins at 500$/coin. We drove our asses out to the starbucks he wanted to meet us at, and fuck. This guy was a captain of industry, all he was missing was a fucking fedora.

He immediately started interrogating us on why we are selling, and lecturing us on how “selling at a low price is damaging the local bitcoin ecosystem”. I pointed out we wanted actual real money, so we can buy stuff with, and i don’t give a fuck about the ecosystem. The buttcoiner then proceeded to ramble on about all the awesome ways you can spend bitcoins, and other stupid shit, but he still wants to buy our coins if we are willing to give him 10 minutes of our time. Fine. He then rambles on and on about bitcoins, and how amazing they are and all sorts of awesome stuff, then rambles on about his personal projects (some sort of bitcoin exchange that is going to make it big).

Finally he shut up, my friend gives him the wallet to show him the amount he is looking for there, he “checks” it. Then announces he is tipping us “0.05 BTC to thank us for hearing him out”.

Then tells us he doesn’t have the money, but if we were willing to “invest” 25BTC into his project, we could get a major stake in it. We left right then and there.

My friend is currently gungho on figuring out a way to use bitpay to cash out (which i am pretty sure violates their terms of service, and i have no idea the legality of what could happen there).

Bad gimmick poster My Linux Rig goes the tried and true route, suggesting using an exchange website, which was never ever suggested or even thought of before.

Then please tell me what exchange will deposit money into a Canadian bank account that is not Virtex?

Coinbase? America OnlyMt Gox? My friend has been waiting a month now, and no indication of when he can get any money out. Mt Gox is as transparent as a brick wall with withdrawls.Bitstamp? Still waiting for verificationCanadianBitcoins? Sketchy as fuck, you send them the coins, they mail you an envelope of cash.

Moving on:

Virtex has denied my friends identity verification and his account is now completely frozen. They give no explanation for what they want, or why it was denied.

Meanwhile, CaVirtEx is very very far behind in their, well, everything:

Virtex responded to my friends ticket and asked him to resubmit his “correct verification information”. Then outlined vaguely what he needed to submit (which he already submitted), and told him to resubmit.

So another week+ to get verification attempt #2?

When my friend gets fully verified and we dump several hundred coins onto the site, what is going to happen?

The consensus here was “they’ll suspend the account for suspicious activity.”

Still trying, i am guessing the massive drop in price caused 3 of the localbitcoin buyers we were supposed to meet today to cancel.

The entire trying to cashout has been a massive pain in the ass. Virtex declined my friends identity verification, so i registered my self and i am going through the same process as well in the hopes Virtex will unfuck themselves. The entire system is shit. The longer and longer we are forced to wait the less and less likely it seems we will get a ton of money.

Two days later, they finally receive some “good” news.

So my friend gets an email that he is verified at CaVirtex.

Even though they say unlimited withdrawl limit, his user page says a maximum of 6,000$/month withdrawal.

Unless he gets their bitcoin debit card, at which point he can directly convert his BTC to cash through the card. But neither me or him could find anyone actually using the card online and giving their impressions. So he has ordered one, as a means of hopefully expediting the cashout process.

So he submitted a request to withdraw $6,000, from Virtex and we shall see how that goes. 3-5 Days for a money transfer.

The amount of times i have seen bitcoiners say “You can instantly convert BTC to cash”, is such bullshit.

Three days later, everyone who predicted “suspended for suspicious activity” wins! They don’t really win anything, except maybe for some laughs.

What the fuck is wrong with Virtex. Firstly they advertise Unlimited amount Withdrawls if you fully verify with them. When it is actually has a hard limit of 25,000$/month (after calling them and asking).

Then this afternoon they froze my friends account and cancelled the request for withdrawl, and cancelled his sell orders due to “suspicious activity”. We call them get some lady who tells us to submit a ticket, and very bluntly tells us the only way they can help us is through the ticket system.

Yet we already have two tickets open and unanswered from last week.

CaVirtEx is less than helpful here.

3 Days now and no response from virtex about the locked account, i guess i won’t hear anything until Monday at the earliest.

Which is fucking retarded.

Dogecoin happened in the meantime and, despite being a joke, has turned into Bitcoin in fast-forward, which itself was just centuries of economics lessons in fast-forward. Nobody has learned anything from it though.

It has basically been a week now, and his account is still frozen, and i am still waiting on verification.

The Debit card load procedure is temporarily on hold, we will keep you updated as development occurs. For now, we will decline all your load requests so that the CAD is returned to your balance.
Wire Transfers are scheduled to resume shortly, please wait for an official date before attempting to notify or send.

What the fuck is going on at virtex.

Nearly a week later, this is the last we’ve heard thus far:

Virtex has unlocked my friends account, yay!

Also Virtex has recently added something called “Large withdrawals” which apparently allow you to take out 25k+. Except there doesn’t seem anyway to use this method of withdrawl.

He just requested a withdrawal which takes between 3-5 days, and i shall see if we get anything by 2014.