Category: Live Date Recaps

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple.

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way.

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went.

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other.

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!”

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

So these last two weeks have been pretty bloody tough to be honest, my nephew is basically in hospital permanently now which sucks. He is up in Auckland at a hospital called Starship, which is about 3 and a half hours from where I live.Luckily my boss is pretty chill and lets me drive up whenever I ask.

I met a surgeon up there you in the cafeteria, we got talking and I let her know why I was there and that I was from Tauranga. She mentioned her parents live in Tauranga in a suburb called Matua and that she would be coming down for the weekend. I asked her if she wasn’t too busy if she would like to get a drink when she’s down; she smiles and says of course, yeahhaa boy!

We start texting and Snapchatting for a few days leading up to our Friday date with her even sending a naked snap which was bloody lush. On the Thursday night after she sent the nudie snap we got talking about sex and she asked if I had any fetishes. I must’ve sounded fucking boring as I couldn’t think of any. I asked her if she had any, her reply was weird and not very forthcoming. “I do but most people find it really weird so I don’t tell them until they know me well” she said.

Well fuck me, it could be anything a lot of weird shit started going through my mind. What if it’s poo porn? What if it’s humping a pillow porn, foot porn, shoving things up guy’s arses? – oh God not again.

After pressing her for a bit she wouldn’t reveal what her fetish was so come Friday I was slighty nervous and so was my bung hole. The chemistry was instantly noticeable when we started drinking, me pretending to be dumber than I am, asking stupid questions about surgeries etc. I again asked her what her fetish was but she wouldn’t tell me. After half a dozen shots of tequlia she opened up “I like to masturbate over those Dr Pipple popping videos, please don’t laugh” um what the fuck? Even in my drunken state I knew that was fucked up and all I could say to pretend it wasn’t too fucked was “oh well at least you’re not into poo porn”. I changed the subject pretty swiftly after that revelation.

Come midnight we taxied back to mine and, me being the gentleman and trying to support her fucked-up fetish, I asked her if she wanted to watch one. “Omg yes please if you don’t mind, there is a new one out I haven’t seen where she bursts a massive cyst.” I put the Youtube clip on the TV and she immediately starts fucking me, first with me on top, but she can’t get a good view of the TV. So she jumps on top and reverse cowgirls it. Now picture this fucked up situation; On the TV is a massive fucking cyst on some unwashed fucker’s back getting popped and then look at us, this chick is jumping up and down on my doodle organsming over this filthy shit. No amount of hotness would make me want to do this again but hey she fucking loved it.

After we finished I immediately turn the TV off as she gushed “that was the best sex ever”. All I could say was “that’s nice” because quite frankly that was one of the weirdest bloody things I have ever been a part of!

First off I have to say UP! UP! Cronulla. What an amazing game that was to see live, as the final whistle blew the excitement and noise in the stadium was off the charts! This isn’t a footy blog so that’s enough about that. This is the next instalment of Mully Dates. Unfortunately having ran out of data I couldn’t live tweet it out but not to worry I took notes.

After flying into Sydney and getting patted down by ozzy boarder security it was off to Kings Cross for a well-deserved beer. After pub hoping for a bit me and the boys spotted the perfect pub. There were about a good 30-40 girls all dressed up as maids, policewomen etc. and no guys?! WTF. I asked one of them where all the penises were. “We’re on a double hen’s night” one of them replied in a thick ozzy accent. “So why are you guys drinking at this seedy place?” I asked. With a smirk she replied “upstairs is a male strip club mate”. Well fuck me dead I had found the perfect place to pick up girls, the fucking holy-grail!! The girls went up to the strippers, got themselves all bloody hot and heavy and ol’ mully waited downstairs to swoop in! Well the first horde of girls went up and half an hour later came down but scurried off into the night “fuck sake!” I thought. I asked the bartender if there was another show later on. Luckily another show was scheduled in an hours’ time.

After a few more beers the next horde of ladies came into the bar, these ones were noticeably fit with muscly legs bulging out. “Fuck it’s a bunch of cross fit muppets’’ I thought. But after chatting to them they revealed that they played rugby league, nice! All these beers had me in dire need to drain my vain, so I headed into the toilet but, just like a fucking league game, I got intercepted by two of the big beefy girls. They shoved me into the ladies toilet and began giving me the best bj I have ever bloody had, they sucked my balls better than any fucking vacuum cleaner ever has! Wanting to obviously get their end away after the strip show the big girls grabbed me and basically tackled me into a taxi “We’re going back to our room big boy” the biggest one scoffed. Once we got back to their room, they threw me onto the bed and begun getting unchanged. What happened next was a fucked up mixture between sex and a game of footy. They grabbed my willy as if it was a fucking gear shift, shoving it between their legs, once one thought the other girl had had enough of a turn on it she shoved her off and sat on it. This carried on for a good 40 minutes until I was drenched in ozzy girl slime. I bid them a good night saying I had to get back to my mates but these fuckers wouldn’t let me leave, tackling me back onto the saturated bed for round two! I eventually got away and back to where I was staying thankfully with only minimum bruising. Those ozzy girls like sex like they love their footy; sweaty and rough as fuck!

Well, well, well, first date back from a brief hiatus and fuck me, it doesn’t go smoothly. Now I wish I could just tweet my date out and have it end with me banging the chick, but this isn’t a fairy tale where we bang happily ever after. No, no, no this shit is real life where anything can happen and did.

After sub-contracting all week to another painting crew I got talking to one of the boys from the other painting crew. He told me about this chick that his boss had employed and given a painting apprenticeship almost straight away. Apparently there was a lot of animosity towards her from all of the other painters as they had to prove themselves for over a year before they got offered an apprenticeship. Not thinking too much into like hmmm her boss might have the hot’s for her, I got her number and began texting her.

She seemed pretty cool over text and apparently had seen me on building sites in the past. I asked her out for a drink on Thursday night and she accepted… The #PainterDate was born. Let us recap…..

Before meeting up with her I tried this new Cider that had just come out and holy shit it was so good, best thing I had tasted since I had gone down on that Canadian girl back in February and that shit tasted like fucking peaches. We meet up down at her local pub in a suburb in Tauranga called Bureta. She glammed herself up pretty good but I still could see bits of paint under her nails. She had good banter and even ordered a bloody jug of beer for herself.

We started getting jolly and opening up after a couple of jugs of beer. We started talking about sex and she admitted to being so horny on a job she used her paint brush as a dildo, holy fuck! And here was me thinking I was a weirdo for fucking my paint roller sleeve!

I got back from a pee and noticed a concerned look on her face as she was furiously texting someone. It was her boss, she hadn’t finished sanding the room she was on or some shit like that and he wasn’t happy! He kept trying to ring her and eventually resorted to texting her, not being one to let a cock ruin my night I brought us shots and soldiered on.

Before long her fucking boss turned up and started having a full blown argument. He pointed towards me saying “who’s this guy?? Aren’t you supposed to be with Andy?!” Who the fucks Andy I thought. “Fuck Andy, he’s boring” She replied “We broke up on Sunday” Her boss changed his tune as soon as he clicked she was single and the 50 something year old turned on his McSleeze. He stopped arguing, got us all a round and added himself to our fucking date, what the fucking fuck!!!

This fucker started to her all touchy, touchy with her and instead of shrugging it off this tart is fucking loving it. I snap a couple of pictures for twitter, knock back a beer he paid for and bid them a good night by saying “well enjoying having his wrinkly balls hitting your arse tonight.” I walk out of the bar to her yelling at me “fucking prick” and her boss saying “come back and say it to my face” Pfft whatever mate.

If someone told me a month ago that I wouldn’t be drinking on a Saturday night but would be driving across the city catching fucking Pokemon I would of laughed in their face. That’s exactly what happened last Saturday night and to be honest I still can’t believe it.

I went for a run early on Saturday to hatch my eggs (if you walk or run in real life the Pokemon app tracks it and your Pokemon eggs hatch at 2km, 5km or 10km) I stopped off at a Pokestop and noticed a few groups hanging around. I approached one of them and began chatting about what they have caught etc. One of them looked pretty decent in the nerdy-type way with blue hair and metal rings stuck to every facet of her face. I hit it off pretty well talking about Pokemon showing her mine and her showing me hers…Pokemon that is. I eventually got her number with the promise that if I see any special Pokemon in certain areas of Tauranga I would let her know. I wanted to point to my crotch and let her know there was a special edition Charmander in there waiting to evolve but I thought better of it.

When I got home I almost immediately started texting her, all she seemed interested in was Pokemon, which was fine and I didn’t think much of it. I ended up asking her if she would like to get dinner and go on a Pokemon hunt. I picked her up and she politely demanded we only eat at a place right next to a Pokestop or Gym. I found a nice pub but it was too far away from a Pokestop, so back in the fucking car and off to find another one. I drove all over town until I found one in a suburb called Greerton. She made sure to test that the Pokestop was close enough, gave the approving yes, and I ordered myself a jug of well deserved beer. Over dinner all she did was constantly check her phone for Pokemon, I knew this was what the date was all about…but fuck me lets get drunk and get naked!

Dinner was pretty non eventful apart from her yelling out “Fuck sake not an Eevee!!” The whole pub turned to look at her as she raged out loud about a Pokemon egg that just bloody hatched.

After dinner she suggested we go down to the local hook up spot down by the water at memorial park. ‘Fuck yes’ I thought – time for my Charmander in my pants to evolve. When we parked up I was about to lean in for a kiss when she yelled out “Yay we are by the water. We can catch water type Pokemon!!” Ugh for fuck sake I just wanted to grab her phone off her, but keeping my calm I played along pretending to be into it too.

After about 10 minutes a car pulls up beside us. Three dodgy looking characters get out and begin to knock on my car door. “Can I see your Pokemon bro” the hooded lad says. “Lets get the fuck outta here” says my now spooked date. I start the car and take off leaving the three hooded dudes behind.

This must have snapped the girl out of her Pokemon hypnosis as now she turned back into a normal human being and began to fucking talk! I could tell she was nervous as she wanted to go home but I was just glad she was talking.

Once we got to her house she noticed her flatmate was gone, not wanting to be alone as she was still a bit spooked she invited me in.

Well it’s safe to say she rode me like Horsea, her Jigglypuffs looked amazing. As she played with my Pokeballs I could feel myself about to Squirlte but managed not to. It wasn’t long though until I learned ‘Water Gun’ and splashed it everywhere. As I left her place I thanked her for giving me a Cubone but told her she was just another Magicarp…I was looking for a Gyarados

As I’m lying here watching Orange is the New Black on this cold arse Sunday night I can’t help but laugh thinking about how Tuesday’s date in Wellington went.

The best place to start is at the beginning. I boarded the plane from Tauranga to Welly. The flight was terrible there was so much turbulence. At one stage I was trying to stand over the toilet taking a slash when whoosh, we hit some fucking turbulence and urine went all over me – bad bloody start to the trip so far. I went back to my seat trying to hide the wet batch from the big ogre dude who I was sitting next to. This ogre bastard took up just under half of my seat too which was another thing on this flight that sucked. Halfway through the flight I thought fuck this I’m going to check if I can switch seat. “No sorry” is what I got from a plastic Barbie doll looking attendant “but you can have another lolly or cookie” why thanks a fucking bunch!!! …. I took the cookie and lolly.

I arrived to my motel around 3pm which was good cause it gave me time to go out and get a box of beers from Pak n Save, drink at the motel, jump on Tinder and hopefully find someone to go out to dinner with. As soon as I passed the aisle of value at Pak n Save I begun to walk through the fruit and vegetable part and that’s when I heard a girl’s voice from over by the potatoes “whoa cool tattoos.” I look up to see if she was talking to me, she was and she looked pretty decent. We got to chatting for about 5 minutes whilst she filled various vegetable displays up. At one point she had a carrot in her hand and began to wank it “you’re really hot by the way but you probably know that” she said continuing to give this lucky bloody carrot the stroking of its life. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drink, she said yes so I grabbed her number and wondered off to get myself a box of beer.

After polishing off a few beers I gave miss Pak n Save a text seeing where she wants to go for dinner. She suggested Lone Star which sounded fine to me, we agreed on meeting there at 8pm. I had a few more beers, grabbed a uber taxi and headed into Lone Star Restaurant. I waited in the bar part for five minutes as I hadn’t got a reply from her in a while but then thought bugger it I will grab a table in clear view of door so I can wave her over. I’m not sure how long you’re supposed to fucking wait for someone but ten minutes turned into twenty minutes which turned into half an hour, and that’s when I thought fuck I think I’ve been stood up. I was about to text her to see where the hell she was and that’s when she texts me “really sorry, had to work late doing a banana display” a bloody banana display?!?! Are you kidding me!!!!! She explained in more detail saying that her boss made her and she didn’t have her phone until she finished. After a while she actually sent me a picture of the fucking banana display along with a message saying sorry again cheeky bitch.

I ended up having dinner by myself, I could feel a dozen eyes on me all the time as if all the other patrons at this restaurant knew I had been stood up. The waitress must have even felt sorry for me as she brought me a beer and asked if I was ok. Another lesson learned from this non date, if the girl works at a supermarket; make sure she doesn’t have a fucking banana display to finish. This no show made me feel pretty stink for about 4 days until I thought bugger it – time to get back on the horse. After a few dead ends I met up with a likeminded girl last night, danced the night away and ended up playing hide the sausage at her nanas house with her nana! Ok not with her nana, but I was that horny that if her bloody nana had asked to join in I wouldn’t have turned her away. Could a Granny Date be on the cards next? Who knows but for now I’m gonna get back to Tinder, head refreshed and keep on keeping on.

The next day was just a day out with my flatmate whom I had promised I would spend a day with to do all the touristy bullshit. To say this day didn’t drag would be a fucking understatement, it started off fun with Madame Tausauds wax museum, but then went to some bloody lizard wildlife crap. As we began queuing to get in about half a fucking school of little 9-10 year old Australian kids did too. Now picture the most annoying fucking accent and add pre puberty squeakiness to that then add fucking volume, you get the worst thing on fucking earth. As we walked around looking at these stupid fucking lizards that just lay there doing sweet fuck all, these kids were going nuts. Running into everyone and screaming like fuck. I almost chucked a couple of them into the snake enclosure, might’ve been the most excitement those poor snakes have had all year.
After the day of doom it was time to get ready to go the the Golden Mile – Kings Cross! Now if you haven’t heard about Kings Cross, its like the red light district of Sydney. Bars, brothels, night clubs and my personal favourite strip clubs are all on offer in this delightful place, its like Disneyland for me. I started bar crawling jumping from bar to bar to find a cool atmosphere and cheapish drinks. I finally settled on one called Kings Cross Motel, the staff were so nice and the place was pumping with hot chicks. I started chatting to a group of girls by buying them a round of drinks which worked a treat and thats all it took. The next thing I know I’m on the dance floor kissing the face off this pretty ok looking ozzy. Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home. So I was all on my lonesome again, should I call it a night too I thought? Fuck no!!

It was time to head to the strippers so I stroll down the street browsing which one I should go into and settle on Bada Bing nightspot. The girls are stunning and very welcoming. I immediately get given a free wee lap dance by probably the ugliest one there, to be honest I couldn’t wait for her to finish; she obviously was on the hustle as she must have seen me get one hundred dollars worth of stripper bucks out. She did a handstand putting her vagina right in my face, now usually this would be a guys dream mine but this fucking chick stunk like smoked bloody fish. I could smell it before she did the handstand move but when she did the handstand I almost threw up into her fucking vag. Luckily she couldn’t hold that position for long as I was trying so hard not to gag. Apart from that the rest of the night spent at the strip club was great! One of the dancers was a kiwi and gave me a sweet discount on a private dildo show and even let me stick the big black one in, wahoo! I ended up ubering it back to the motel at around 2am, luckily the nice manager at the strip club charged my phone for me as it was dead.

Well that was it from my Sydney adventure, onwards to Perth. Lets see what the dating scene is like there!

Wahooo! Mully Dates has finally gone international. First stop this past week was Sydney. The flight to Sydney was a complete disaster, not only were the airhoes rude as fuck they made my polite and nice flatmate cry. After asking to borrow a pen from one of them she got a “no, I need to keep this pen on me, ask one of the others”. Ok cool, so we asked one of the other unenthusiastic bitches who reluctantly gave her pen up so we could fill out our declaration forms. She made sure to tell us she needed it back though. Well my flattie rang the over head bell and gave it to who we both thought was the grumpy bitch. But no, 10 minutes went by and the pen giving grumpy bitch came back asking for it. What followed was a lecture on borrowing things on a plane to give back to the right person. With the embarrassment of everyone looking over to see what was going on and then to pen bitch storming off, my flatmate burst into tears. I would like to end this part with a FUCK YOU JETSTAR!
Aside from that the trips been pretty good. Once I got to the motel I jumped on the complimentary wifi and started looking for possibilities on Tinder. I started chatting to a few, most wanting to go out for a coffee – oh how metrosexual of you Sydney. But a coffee in the middle of the day was definitely not what I wanted. It wasn’t long until I found a girl and lets call her shazza. Shazza had the same idea as me which was a “hang out” at her place in Richmond. Now the next mission was finding were exactly this Richmond is. Staying by the Green Square train station I took the train to Central, now if you have been to central station its a labyrinth of tunnels, stair cases and platforms. To fast forward things up, I jumped on several different trains and wasted a few hours trying to figure out were the hell this Richmond place was. Whilst on the train I popped a Viagra I had brought over from NZ in the hope that her meaning of a “hang out” was the same as mine. I end up paying $2 to a homeless dude at central station after arriving there for a fourth time, he happily showed me which route I should be taking; top guy.
I eventually get to Richmond then waste another 30 minutes trying to find her place. By the time I get there my penis had been fully erected for the last two hours and was fucking hurting. I knocked on her door and was greeted by this extremely large girl, oh fuck I thought I’ve been catfished yet again. “Hi are you Shazza?” I ask, “Nah mate Shazza is outback having a dart” large girl said. She invites me in and Shazza had just finished her smoke “Hi Sean, you finally bloody mate it” Shazza said in the thickest Australian accent I have come across. We start chatting which basically consisted of me listening to this chatter box yak on about her day at work. I couldn’t understand a lot as her phrases she used mixed with her accent made it difficult. Just as it looked like we were about to go to her room her phone bloody rings and its her ex and for the next ten mintutes I hear the full run down on their relationship.

She dumped him because he drives a holden, and her family are proud die hard Ford supporters. She was embarrassed and ashamed when he brought a Holden so she dumped him straight away, fuck I better not tell her I drive a Holden. She hung up on him with a big “fuck you and fuck off”. She then rudely grabs me by the arm and says “come on sheep shagger, lets go to my room.” This kinda made me pissed off but hey I’m in her room now. We start kissing and all I can taste is tobacco, thankfully the kissing doesn’t last long as she soon begins sucking my didgeridoo. It feels ok but I could feel her teeth a lot which wasn’t making me relax much (Remember this). We end up having sex and the sheep shagger comment is still annoying me, so I flipped her around in doggy style and showed her what a sheep shagger could do with a tablet of viagra in him. She fucking loved it, so without thinking I grabbed her tits and whispered in her ear “I drive a holden” she started thrashing about “you bastard!”. I was holding on for dear fucking life but it didn’t last for long. “Just shut up and keep fucking me kiwi boy” We finished up and apart from me pissing her off with my holden revelation she loved my digerdoo even wanting me to stay the night but I put a stop to that as I had the Rabbitohs to go see play!

“A welted back, candle burnt doodle and a sore bloody anus” – @Mullied 01/04/2016 That tweet right there sums up my Domintraix Date from this past Friday, fucking painful and every bit as shocking as I had imagined. This women I had met on the NZ dating site, she wasn’t looking for Mr Right. As it turns out she was looking for a whipping boy. Her profile stated she liked to physically dominate men which intrigued me, we got talking and I quickly found out she was a dominatrix. I automatically thought “well fuck this could make for a great live tweet and also a blog”. Little did I know how much some of these dominatrix’s like to punish their poor counter parts.

After a quick feed from KFC Tauranga (best one around) I went back to my flat and drunk some courage into me and let me tell you it took a lot more than normal for the nervousness of going through with this date.

So after memorising what the safe words were and making sure not to mix up Grandpa with fucking Uncle, off to her place I went. I was greeted by this forty year old in a full latex get up when I answered the door.

“Get in here, take your clothes off and put on this mask, NOW!” she commanded in character.

“yes madam” I replied, trying to get in the swing of it but feeling like a twat.

As I entered the room to take my clothes off she had set up the bed with candles and a fucking wet blanket, all I could think was if she is thinking about taking a piss on me I would be out of there quick smart.

“Get on your knees now!” she beckoned “don’t look at me, you have been a naughty boy and now it’s time for a lashing”

She instructed me to bend over the bed, she began whipping me with her leather whip. I would love to say it was nice but she was whipping the fucking shit out of me, even with me saying Aunty (ease up). After a couple of very brief stops I thought fuck it lets see how sadistic she wants to be “that all I’m getting? thought I was a naughty boy, Grandpa (harder) bitch” I said to her.

“Silence!!! You don’t talk to me with that potty mouth” she said, and with that she wound up her fucking whip and cracked it over my back a dozen times until I had to say Uncle (stop) to her amusement.

She served me up a drink in a metal cup and forced me to drink it. It tasted strong like a mix between jagermeister, absinthe and pineapple juice, what ever it was made me feel pretty numb. After polishing off the cup she snatched it off me “break times over, now get on all fours on the bed” she said pointing to the bed. So here I was balls dangling freely, hairy arse open for the world to see. After about 5 minutes she comes back in but she’s not alone – she has a big BLACK STRAP ON connected to her costume.

“OH FUCK THAT” I said breaking character

“Silence! This is happening, slowly but surely you are getting this” she said.

I started thinking what the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing?! I feel a cold sensation on my bum; I turn around and she is bathing me in anus relaxant lube!

“Here it comes” she said in a softer tone

“Arhhhhhh” I yelp, every inch this thing goes in makes me feel more and more like someone is shoving a shit back up my arse that I had just finished crapping out. She then started going back and forth so now it felt like a poo was coming out and then nope nope its going back bloody in. “I can’t take this anymore uncle uncle uncle, get it out” I tell her and thank god she does.

“You are such a fucking pussy” she said sounding let down at me piking on the black dildo punishment. Without letting me have a break so my arsehole could settle down from the shock of what happened, she spins me around and lays me down on my back. Here we go I thought finally all this fucking punishment is about to pay off. Wishful fucking thinking as she begins to pour hot candle wax on me, starting at my chest she pours the wax down into my belly button and then that’s when it happened. She fucking sneezes and a bit of candle wax gets on my poor little doodle, “ARRRRRHHHHHHH UNCLE, NO FUCK IT, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH” I say, standing up and getting changed

Breaking character she said “Oh that wasn’t supposed to happen, sorry”

“Well it bloody did,I thought you were about to have sex with me not pour hot candle wax over me” I said annoyed at how this night had turned out

“Sex? No no no I don’t have sex with my subjects” she said, well fuck me she could have told me this over Facebook I thought. I picked up my things, thanked her for a weird night and got the fuck out of there as quickly as I could waddle with my arse feeling like it had just been fucked by 100 men.

Word of advice if you are thinking about getting into the world of Dominatrix – do your research. There are all different types apparently – and a lot of them don’t come with a bloody happy ending as poor old Mully found out.

The next few days my back wept out a lot of blood, luckily a week on its almost finally healed, thank fuck!

What a sad week it was last week, my blonde Canadian friend flew back to Canada and I met a girl that smelt like a walking ash tray. Anyway the day was Friday and I jumped onto the NZ Dating website; which is a lot like Tinder but its been around for as long as I can remember. You create a profile and click which category you would like your profile to be found on out of relationships, friendships or sexual meetings. When I think of sexual meetings I think of hot as lonely girls on the net looking for a bit of action. Well after browsing the sexual meeting profiles on this NZ dating site most of them are 50 year old toothless grannys looking for a bloody guy to fill their hot water bottle up and help take their fucking false teeth out in preparation for a gum job, fuck no! After getting hit on by half a dozen hungry grannies I luckily found one that was online that was younger than my mum (usually one of my only standards). We start messaging and the third message in she is talking filthy, she is horny as shit which is kinda no surprise being in the section I found her in. I ask her if she wants to come over as all this sex text messaging bullshit doesn’t really do it for me, she said she would get ask her mum if she can babysit. 5 minutes later she replies she can and #DateSiteDate live twitter tweets were born.

The Recap

When she arrived she immediately hugged me and I am met with the over powering stench of cigarettes and far too much perfume. The lounge was free as my flatmate had called me a weirdo for inviting her over and had gone to bed. We have a chat to start things off and eventually snuggle while watching a movie. Thinking it was close to hide the sausage time I started feeling her legs a little bit, she whispers to me that she usually doesn’t do this….hmmm does she fucking not know her profile is in the bloody sexual meeting category with her profile name something like “Fuck Kitten” jesus.

Yup that’s right as the movie continues I look over at her and she has fallen asleep, are you fucking kidding me!!! I know she wasn’t pretending either because she began heavy breathing and almost started snoring, what the hell.

I facebook my flatmate and tell her whats happened and she is pissing herself suggesting I change my twitter name to Bore Mulligan, not funny. She agrees to ring my phone so I can wake this tart up, I put the phones volume right up and nestle it right by her ear. “RING RING RING” she hits the fucking roof and its gilorious ‘Oh sorry I must’ve difted off” she says yawning. Trying to hold the laughter in I ask her if she would like to go home to bed, but no no no this little nap must’ve reinvigorated her because the horny bitch I had been talking to online suddenly came out to play. She started rubbing my crotch, she then went in for a kiss with partial sleep breath mixed with tobacco. I felt myself about to dry reach and pulled my mouth off hers and began kissing her neck. Her neck was no bloody better either as it was covered in fucking perfume, writing this on the sofa I can still smell her stench and it still makes me physically ill.

We whipped off our clothes and I immediately spun her around for doggy style; avoiding any more kissing. After we were done she wanted to cuddle but I said I needed to take a shit so with that she went for a tinkle, chucked her undies on and left – thank fuck. Since Friday she has been sending me mean messages. Telling me how bad the sex was trying to critique me, total bullshit to the point that I have decided to send her a link to this blog when posted so she can see it wasn’t all my fault, kind of hard to be in the “lets have great sex”mood when your shag not only falls asleep but smells so bad that not even a dog would sniff her arse.