Dear Emuna: Always Late

I attend a daily study group with five other people. I always try to arrive on time but some people come chronically late and then we have to spend the next few minutes catching them up to speed. Short of kicking them out of the group, what can be done to encourage more prompt attendance?

-- Prompt and Constantly Frustrated

Dear Prompt,

This is a universal problem that doesn’t just apply to study groups. It can occur at business meetings or dinner dates. Since we all know that time is precious (unlike money, it can never be recouped!), we hate being victims of the cavalier attitude of others. (Do I sound like I’m getting emotionally riled up? You’ve touched on one of my pet peeves.)

There are a few practical solutions. One is that the person leading the meeting or study group should be prevailed upon to start on time, no matter how many are in attendance. This is very hard to do but it definitely sends a message to the chronically late.

The corollary to this is to not spend any time catching the tardy attendant up on material covered. This will have real consequences in a work or study environment and may motivate a better effort in the future. At the very least, it won’t waste the time of others.

In social situations some clever spouses and friends deal with this issue by telling their time-challenged companion to arrive at an earlier hour than actually scheduled, thus increasing the chances of their punctual arrival.

Finally, I recommend that we remove the expression “Jewish time” from our vocabularies. There is nothing cute or, in fact, Jewish, about being late. In reality the opposite is true. As Jews, we are very conscious of the preciousness of time and the need to use every moment to the fullest.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

Sometimes when I’m disciplining my kids, my mother-in-law will announce, “Oh, leave them alone; you’re being too strict.” I believe this undermines my authority and sends the kids a mixed message. What can I politely say to her and what should I say to my kids?

-- Trying Not To Tell Too Many Mother-In-Law Jokes

Dear Mother-in-Law Joke,

I certainly appreciate how frustrated you must feel. But I want to let you in on an important secret: Your kids don’t take what your mother-in-law says very seriously.

Most grandparents are experienced by most grandchildren as only love (with a little bit of spoiling thrown in). Even when they say critical things (to them or you), it rolls off your children’s backs. They can take it with a sense of humor because it doesn’t have the emotional import for them that it does for you.

The best course would be to just smile and say nothing. Or make a joke about the difference between parents and grandparents (I wish I had a few up my sleeve to share with you). Your kids will learn more from your kind and thoughtful treatment of your mother-in-law than from her words of rebuke.

Let me know how it goes…

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

One of our neighbors is – how shall I put this? – not of the highest class. Their kids use words that I’d rather not have my kids hear (and repeat) and the parents are generally not careful about which books, films and other media their children are exposed to. The challenge is that everyone plays outside together – especially during the summer. How can I control the situation?

Playing with Fire

Dear Playing with Fire,

This is a tough situation that you describe, although not that uncommon. My advice to you is…move! Okay, maybe that’s too drastic (although I do know someone who felt that his neighbors were too materialistic so he moved to a smaller home in a different neighborhood).

Since you didn’t reveal too many details, I don’t know how bad it really is. If it’s really damaging to your children, you need to dramatically limit their outdoor street time. As I once heard a teacher say, “If there were wild wolves running lose in the neighborhood, would you feel any compunction about telling your kids to stay inside? Would you let them go out when they complained about boredom?”

A third possibility is to encourage most of the play to take place in your environment – in your home or your backyard – where you can have more direct supervision and influence.

And finally, I think you need to talk to your children. As much as we try, it is very hard to completely control all the influences that affect them. (In fact it’s impossible – just try sending them to the grocery store where all the latest magazines are on view by the check-out). We need to make clear – frequently – the behaviors, language and activities that we find acceptable and why. We need to give our children tools to fight inappropriate influences. (Didn’t your parents ask “If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?”!) These are skills that will serve them well their whole lives – and it is never too early to start.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 19

(19)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2012 1:46 PM

Re: The neighbors children who use profane language. I like the idea of having the mother tell her children such language is not acceptable in their home. Also, it might go a long way for these children to be exposed to other activities beyond the street where they live. Perhaps these children might then make additional friends, thus helping them to mature.

(18)
Anonymous,
December 13, 2010 1:08 PM

grandparent comments

My mom is highly critical - her favorite saying is "Far be it from me to criticize, BUT..." or "Well, if you were smart, you would...." And she is here EVERY DAY! So, I have developed some catch phrases to counter the remarks.
Try some of these to help ease any strain the comments leave you feeling - remember - she is probably NOT criticizing you, you just feel that way because you still see her as a mother figure. See her as a friend, and it may change your perception. Would you react the same way if a friend made the same remark?
"Grandma is right, I am strict, and she was strict with me when I was growing up. We are strict because we love you and want you to grow up to be a good person just like us."
"When you are at Grandmas house, you can follow her rules. Here we do things like this and you know that."
"That is a really good point/idea mom, but in our house we do things this way...."
When things are really heated...
"Mom, normally I appreciate your input. Please understand that now is not a good time."
And of course my personal favorite to end the day -
"Mom, the kids are really acting inappropriately right now, it may be best for you to head home so you wont have to deal with them acting out or listen to the screaming/crying/etc."
Good Luck & Gd Bless.

(17)
Aliza,
July 11, 2010 5:45 AM

RE: Dear Anonymous, How do you do it

I have 3 daughters (3mo, 8yrs, 9yrs). In order for me to juggle everything a mother must do I invented an incentive for them to help me out. I have reward tickets that they get when they do what I ask or super tickets when they do something without my asking. The tickets have prizes written on them, like, watch 1 movie or 30 min of computer time (obviously safe sites or movies I let them watch). Super tickets include getting icecream or going some where special. They started saving these tickets, and movies/ computer became a real treat to them. Once it became something like currency in our home, I rarely have to ask them to help with the baby or cleaning up. Each of them gets a timer when they use the tickets in order to keep order to this. Any mom can do it and give their own twist. My kids helped me to write the tickets, they choose what they would like the rewards to be. Hope this helps out.

(16)
David Braunstein,
July 3, 2010 4:02 PM

Always late can mean something else.

I am usually late for work which causes me lots of stress. I try to get there on time, but because I am the caregiver to my disabled wife, most times I get distracted just before leaving for work. The actual job I do does not effect others as there is no meeting or group endeavor. But the reason for supervisor enforcement of tardiness is "I got to work on time therefore so should you!" If I were the supervisor I would want to know my employees so that if someone had a valid reason for being late that accommodation could be made. Unfortunately most people don't take the time to care about others enough to investigate. If the reason for tardiness is lack of concern or disrespect for others, then I would start without them or in a job cause them to know they are hurting others. Being late is usually a symptom. Lets not jump to the conclusion that it means the person is arrogant or disrespectful.

(15)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2010 11:56 AM

To Israel's friend Canada- Happy Birthday

It is July first and it is Canada's birthday- Happy Birthday Canada!

(14)
Anonymous,
June 30, 2010 4:16 PM

How do you do it

Dear Emuna
I just read your bio at the end of the page...How do you do it all??!!! I have 4 children, a husband in the army and a full time job and can barely keep up. I have yet to find a way to get enough sleep, keep from gaining weight (the more tired I am the more I eat) or keep the house clean. My folks keep telling me I should have the kids (10, 9, 6 & 1) help more but that is a daily fight that wears me out. I am at a loss when it comes to figuring out how my parents had our respect and we just did what we were told rather than mouthing off about it.

(13)
Anonymous,
June 30, 2010 3:07 AM

I think we must put a huge emphasis on teaching our children the values and behavior we expect from them. We can not simply hope our kids will share our beliefs while they see their friends acting in ways that are inappropriate. Our kids want direction, if we are not leading them they will follow the direction od someone else.

(12)
Anonymous,
June 30, 2010 1:16 AM

Grandparents

My parents almost never disciplined us at Grandma and Grandpa's. If we were getting out of line, we got "the look" and knew to straighten up - fast. If necessary, discipline came when we got home.

(11)
Anonymous,
June 29, 2010 8:02 PM

No Question, just praise..... I thought that this was a great addition to the weekly messages that we get here at Aish.com..... You did a fantastic job, and I know it is NOT easy as like you mentioned above for the one case, you do not always have ALL the facts, so the advice is based on purely and only the knowledge that you were offered. Well, you did great and I look forward to reading more!!! Shalom

(10)
Tracey,
June 28, 2010 4:03 PM

Grandparents

Keep this in mind re when grandparents butt in --
"The reason that children and their grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy..."

(9)
Deborah Wood,
June 28, 2010 1:14 PM

Always Late

My oldest Daughter lives in the same house with Me & My Mother. She is 53. All her life she has never been on time,Usually she leaves for the apointment when she is suppose to be there. I was a Hair Stylistwhen I wa s younger. When one of my Clients was late it through off my whole schedule. I not only get to an appointment on time , I am usually early. I give myself enough time when leaving to account for Traffic. This situation drives me crazy.It show no respect for anyone. I am embaassed that anyone knows she is even related to me.Her excusee when going to the Doctor is that you have to wit anyway. They go by who arrives and signs in. If anyway possible I never go anywhere with her or let her go anywhere with me. Is there something that I can say or do to change this.

(8)
lisa,
June 27, 2010 9:26 PM

Lock it up!!

The teacher of the class I attend was bothered about those coming late...it was disturbing. She now locks the door when the class starts......I think thats a great idea....and better yet...it works...we are all there on time!!!

(7)
Rochel,
June 27, 2010 7:59 PM

Grandparents and Neighbors

I think that grandparents need to be put in their place when they are overstepping their bounds. Grandparents need to respect that it is the parents that are charged with disciplining their children. I would not stand for my parents or inlaws interjecting when i am dealing with my children. They could be told that their opinion is welcome in private, where the children don't hear about it...
Moving? No way! Opportunity for you to help those kids while teaching your own kids why we do what we do. Running away will not prepair our children from the world. Certainly they should never enter the homes of the other children becasuse their parents can not be trunsted. However, there is no reason why the children should not benefit from your good influence.

(6)
Chana Jenny Weisberg,
June 27, 2010 6:49 PM

a great new column!

I love this new idea for a column, and am really looking forward to reading this every week! Wise and great advice.

(5)
Irene Solnik,
June 27, 2010 3:17 PM

bad words

First, I love the new column. Second I always told my children, these words are not allowed in our home. They understood from an early age that the world is not as careful as we are about words, actions, and TV etc. But our home is a sanctuary from the world.

(4)
AlizaG,
June 27, 2010 2:56 PM

Move? No. Talk, yes.

I disagree. If the family moves what are the guarantees that the new neighborhood will be any better? What this mom should do is sit down with her children and talk about how different parents have different rules in their homes.And our rule is that we don't do that (whatever "that" is - cursing, behavior, language, etc.). Because when you come down to it, most of the world is not going to be the way you'd like it to be. It's really a great "teachable moment" actually. actually.

(3)
harvey,
June 27, 2010 2:41 PM

Bad advice about grandparents

Children are indeed influenced by their grandparents, and are commanded to honor and respect them.
Better advice would be to find a way to have a chat with the mother in law

(2)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2010 12:17 PM

This new column is great.

I'm looking forward to more. We have so many challenges and it is nice to have someone to turn to for advice or read about people who are having similar issues. I have always enjoyed Emuna's work and was surprised to see that she studied psychology as well as law so she is imminently qualified. Keep up the good work.

(1)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2010 11:38 AM

advice was overly apologetic

I always enjoy the excellent, down-to-earth advice in this column, but this time, I think it was off the mark. The lady whose children are being exposed to terrible influences should be advised, urged, begged to move, in no uncertain terms. If that's really impossible, then the other alternatives must be resorted to --- but first the inquirer should be told the plain, simple, unadorned, and unapologetic Torah truth.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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