Off the Top

The following is a leaked translation of a meeting held this week between the highest ranking members of the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service (СВР РФ) and Vladmir Putin.

Putin: Thank you all for coming on such short notice. We have a growing crisis in the United States that needs immediate resolution.

(unintelligible muttering from attendees)

Putin: I speak of course about the situation with President Trump, which is souring faster than a cup of goat’s milk in Chernobyl in July. Yes, Arkady?

Speaker 1: I thought we were so pleased with the way the election went. We had such a nice celebration at your summer home in Sochi.

Putin:(Sighs) True. But everything has changed. The intelligence agencies are snooping around Donald’s staff’s records, looking for the smallest clue about our, um, special relationship. We all know what they’re really after.

Speaker 2: You don’t mean….

Putin: Yes, the tax returns. Who has them?

Speaker 3: I do. Or did. I can assure you they will never be recovered. We sealed them inside a depleted uranium strong box which we buried inside an abandoned salt mine in Siberia. Then we blew up the tunnel and flooded the mine shaft with 15 million gallons of water.

Putin: Well done, Boris. Still, it’s not impossible that there’s a copy we missed. And even without them, the contacts between us and Trump’s inner circle keep bubbling to the surface, and Congress is, what is the expression, twisting up their knickers? Even the Republicans! No, this is gathering a very unpleasant momentum.

Speaker 1: Is it time to release the "Peeing Hooker" tapes?

Putin: Sadly, I’ve come to the realization that those are worthless. The people who hate Trump will not be surprised. The people who adore him will either believe the recording is a fake, or even applaud his audacity. Trump may even start a trend in the States.

(Laughter heard around the room)

Speaker 1: So what are our options?

Putin: I’m afraid we may have to look at a more…..permanent solution.

(Shouts, arguments heard around room)

Speaker 3: Um, Mr. President, wouldn’t that be an invitation to World War III? It’s one thing to slip a Russian reporter some tea laced with polonium, or gun down a traitorous political opponent outside the Kremlin, but Trump?

Putin: We’re looking at our options. It may take some intensive analysis.

(Knock heard at the door)

Speaker 2: Who can that possibly be? No one else has clearance here!

(Sounds of door opening, footsteps)

Putin: Queen Elizabeth! Your Highness, what on earth are you doing here?

Queen Elizabeth: Good afternoon to you all. (giggles) I have a friend at MI5 who informed me about your meeting, and I wanted to offer my assistance.

Putin: In what way?

Queen Elizabeth: I’ve come to the decision that that odious man, Mr. Trump, has to be removed.

Putin: Uh, so how does that involve you?

Queen Elizabeth: You know the President is coming for a state visit. Parliament did their best to keep him out, but Prime Minister May invited him, and there’s simply nothing to be done. The entire royal family is in an uproar. We’ve found a chastity belt in a British Museum’s storage locker, and we're having it fitted for Kate, just to ensure he can’t grab her royal muffin with his tiny paws.

Putin: So what are you suggesting?

Queen Elizabeth: We’re planning a tea for Mr. Trump. Wouldn't it be tragic if one of the scones was a little past it’s “use by” date, if you get my drift? Perhaps it has the teensiest bit of one of those nasty bugs your scientists cook up, or has a cranberry that sadly fell into a vial of ricin. Whatever.

Putin: But sooner or later they’ll find out you were involved!

Queen Elizabeth: No matter. I’m 90 years old, I’m an addled old woman. What can they do to me? And I’ve even been working on my senile dementia routine. Look at this!

If you've somehow found your way here, welcome, welcome. This is my very first blog entry, so this is a pretty momentous event in the history of human communication (and lucky you, you're here to witness it!)

While you take a second to calm yourself, I'll simply say that this space will be devoted to my assorted passions: creating outstanding books for children, great graphic design and illustration, every conceivable kind of humor, animated shorts, jazz piano, environmental issues, and political discourse (instead of diss-course). And of course, there may be random thoughts on family, friendship, and the messy business of living.

I never aspired to write a blog (actually, the mere thought of it made me queasy). But now that I'm here, I'm kind of curious to see what comes out of my brain pan. I hope you'll find it worth your time.