Craft, Words and Waffle by Violet Annie

This is a tricky one. I have the world’s worst self-esteem so I don’t know that I ever feel proud of myself. Which I should probably work on, I know. I like to think my proudest moment is yet to come – that something really great is just around the corner, and that I’m not “done” yet.

Today I am proud of myself for signing mortgage papers. Proud, and terrified. I’m proud of myself for taking this giant leap into adulthood (albeit a few decades late) and I am proud that I didn’t back out or delay it for another few years. I am proud (and somewhat surprised) that I am even in the position to be buying a house. Me! Little, timid, non-ambitious Me! I am buying a house! It’s kinda crazy and hard to believe, because I really didn’t think it was something I would ever be brave enough to do.

There is lots of fear – will I be able to afford it, long term? What happens if I lose my job? What if I have made a terrible mistake? All those things go through my mind a million times a day. Which I am sure is normal. It might be the one time in my life I am having normal thoughts! But I can’t live in fear forever – I have to put my big girl pants on and be a grown-up and stop hiding behind my worries.

There is still settlement to get through and that will be a long and drawn-out process, if the rest of the experience is anything to go by. But I have to just trust it will be ok and get sorted eventually. I will be proud of myself for staying calm, if I can do that, and holding my ground if negotiations go awry. I hope it is settled on time though, and without further complications, because I am not brave and I am not very good at handling anything outside of my usual realm of daily drama. I have very little reserves, to be honest. Something else I should work on. Add it to the list.

So, today I am allowing a little pride to creep in. It’s an uneasy pride, but it’s there nevertheless. Just because I have come a long way and am doing this on my own and making big decisions and securing my future, as best as I can, in my own way. If I can keep meltdowns and conniption-fests to a minimum, that will really be something to be proud of. But we still have moving day to get through yet, so let’s not get too optimistic 🙂