by Erin Marie

“Circle Song” by Jewel

I’ve mentally dropped my weight to the floor and screamed, “IT’S NOT FAIR!!!! I DON’T WANNA GO, AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!” like a spoiled three year old.

I am not an angry person at all. Like, at ALL. So, feeling all the anger and resentment and injustice at my seemingly wonderful situation here, the one where I am a full time working mom who is well loved at her job and decently paid and has nice cushy benefits, but who has always dreamed of staying home with her babies and can’t because we need my income, is even more miserable because it doesn’t feel natural to me. I am in foreign territory. And I am SO uncomfortable.

Let me start by admitting that mercy is a gift. Humans just aren’t naturally merciful. We want justice at any cost. We want what is ours and what is due to us. And these days, we want it yesterday.

So, mercy is given to us to practice and give out, and praise God, we have marvelous examples (Jesus Christ of Nazareth, St. Paul the apostle, Pope Francis, Steve Bartman). And this is a spiritual gift of mine that I cherish. I love showing mercy to others. I almost never get angry, and if I do, I almost never stay angry for very long. I have a gift.

It just feels like I’ve returned the gift in exchange for blinding rage.

I want justice. I want what I think is best for my family, and though I am doing that in theory, it feels so wrong. It feels HORRIBLE for me. Doesn’t that matter?

It was a month ago to the day that I last wrote so feverishly and passionately about this same exact topic (in my secret journal where no one else can read it…)

And it has been 10 days since my last run away attempt, we’ll call it.

I am circling something fierce and dangerous and it’s threatening my ability to be mindful.

The apostle Paul was an expert in mindfulness. And he learned to fasten his mind to Christ’s. He writes of learning to be content no matter the circumstance.

This is where true peace, like a river, active and powerful and stunning, originates. Peace with the power to be free in your prison cell. Peace with the power to leave your precious baby in the hands of a (very capable and loving) nanny all day long.

I keep asking myself, “Why do I want something that I can’t have?”

My mom says it’s not that I can’t have it, it’s that I can’t have it in my timing.

So, I guess my question should be, “Why do I want something that I can’t have right now?”

And why can’t I just want what I have?

I know that, in a day or two, this anger hail storm will calm into a light drizzle. I’ll still be cold and wet, but at least I’ll be able to see.

And hopefully, by the time this ugly, hormone-assisted, raging anger hailstorm circles back around, I will have the strength and the wisdom and the courage to face it and say, “Not today.”

If you see me speak without words
Know that I am speaking of the wind
And if you see my words like wind
Know that soft tongues cut through stone
And if you see my tongue like stone
Know it’s wisdom lies in silence
And if you see my wisdom in silence
Then with you I will always be

And if you doubt my true love is true
Just see how you have no chains on your hands
And if you see you wear no chains
You are free like poor men
And if you see your freedom in being poor
Pleased you’ll be with the treasure of your mind
And if you’re pleased with the treasure of your mind
Then with you I will always be
come closer my love to me
you are closer than you could ever see
you live in my heart that’s where you’ll always be

And if you wonder how it is that I left
Just watch the sun set slip away
And as you watch that sun slip away
Know some things are better left unseen
And if you know some things go unseen
Then night shall carry you in her arms
And if you see I carry you in my arms
Then with you I will always be
With you I will always be