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Saturday, December 31, 2011

A friend of mine is having a cool giveaway on her site! I never really thought about doing reflexology for fertility, but heck! Why not? I hope I win! But hey! You can try to win, too! Go here to read about it and enter! Hurry it ends in 10 days!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I hope everyone had a great holiday! We did. TOM came right on time. Dang it! Brought Auntie Flo, too. Grrrr! I was truly hoping that December would be the month. But, I guess I hope that EVERY month will be THE MONTH. So, had a nice Christmas with my Husband and the kids. Got to visit on Skype with our missionary son, who's serving in California. Today is my little guy's birthday. He just turned 5. (Last month my littlest turned 3.) And I'm looking forward to the new year. Hoping it will bring prosperity and maybe some progeny! lol

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Well, that's exactly what it is. Another month. Another cycle. More hope, shot down. I truly hoped this would be the one. I was really hoping that I would be able to say," I am Thankful for the chance to be a Mama again!" at the Thanksgiving feast. No such luck. For one, Thanksgiving Day would have been pushing the early testing envelope a little bit. I like to buy the cheap-o tests at the dollar store, and those you can only use the day of your missed period. I hadn't actually missed it yet. My cycle was due to start yesterday. I fervently hoped it would not come. But, it did. Here it is, and it's here to stay. Dang it all!

I just e-mailed a TTC buddy and told her I thought the baby dust we've been gettin' must be defective.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

So, I got a phone call yesterday. 11/11/11. A dear friend of mine called and had some questions about her pregnancy. We chatted about that and several other things. I felt good talking to her. I missed her terribly. I was happy for her to be having another, much prayed for, and very excited anticipated baby. It would be her third boy and seventh child. I became somewhat depressed as I mulled over that number. 7. I have been pregnant with number 7 three times now. I know that, technically, the first of those three was number seven. Ok, let's get even more technical, it was actually number 9. Anywoo... I had been pregnant three times during the last two years, hoping that each time it would be the lucky number 7. Which apparently is not my lucky number.

My friend called back a couple of hours later. She was in the hospital, they were keeping her there. She was at a 4, and there was some green staining in the fluid.

Her baby was born just before 6 on 11/11.

I was insanely, stupidly jealous.

I stewed over this for several hours.

I was praying that I could find the peace I needed in my heart, when during that prayer, I suddenly remembered that her baby had passed meconium in-utero. That for what ever reason he was somehow stressed. I changed my prayer. I prayed that he would be ok. That their family would be ok.

I felt chastised.

Tonight as I was watching a movie with my husband and oldest son still at home, my daughter came out of her room and announced that my friends baby had died. That he had been born with underdeveloped lungs and that he was born without any kidneys. She had recieved a post on facebook from my friends daughter.

I was shocked and felt absolutely horrible.

My sweet friend had been so excited for the new baby. I had truly been happy for her, even if I was jealous. I was just jealous of the fact, not the person.

I am sitting here, wondering, How on Earth did they not catch the fact through ultrasound, that the lungs were not developed, and that the kidneys were missing? I know there's a connection between the two, and if any of you know it, please post a comment, I just can't think of it right now.I think it may be Potter/s Syndrome

Say a prayer. Light a candle. My sweet friend will need all the love and prayers you can give. I don't care if when you read this it's been a week, or a month, or even a year. The healing will be ongoing for the rest of her life. If you are reading this, you most likely have lost a much wanted pregnancy/child and can relate to what I'm saying. The pain lessens, you can eventually climb out of bed and face the day. You go on, resume your life. But, you never fully get over the loss of a child. No matter what stage of pregnancy or childhood they were in. If I am in my 70's and one of my children were to die, would it be any less heartbreaking? They would have been in their 40-50's. They would have lived life. Would it hurt me any less than losing a child during the early part of pregnancy? Or to lose a child near, or at birth? No. It would be the same. I have the belief that we will be reunited after this life. That our families will be forever families. That is in itself a comfort. But, I still struggle with the emotional loss here and now. I have never lost a child that had grown in my womb for many months, to reach the end, and then lose him/her. I have lost my babies before I felt the first movements. I never felt that connection with them as the grew and moved within me. But, I held their tiny bodies in my hand and wept over what was lost. Their mortal life. They will be mine in the next life. To hug and to hold. To rejoice with. But for now, they are missed. Each and every one of them.

I will pray for my friend. I will call her. I will be there for her when she calls me and cries.
Because I know she will, just as I did.

I belong to a Crappy Club. Actually, I belong to two Crappy Clubs. The Pregnancy Loss Club and The Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Club. Both clubs suck. But Hey! The members are great! AND they really do know how you feel!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I was supposed to start Halloween day. I woke up to some immediate spotting that morning.

The rest of the day.........nothing.

Tuesday.......nothing.

Today, thus far.......nothing.

What the heck!? Am I adjusting to a new schedule? Instead of the 28 day cycle that I have become accustomed to, maybe I am reverting back to my original 35 day cycle.

I don't know, but it is very frustrating.

All the hope that comes automatically, every time you go in to the bathroom, see nothing, and those flames of hope flare up! Only to be doused by the ill-timed cycle showing up eventually. Which leads one to wonder, was it an early m/c? Nah. Was it? Oh come on! Now you're just grasping at straws. Does one really want to say they are pregnant when in fact they weren't? The mental anguish one can impose upon one's self is immense.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Interesting to note,I had used an online calculator to figure out my possible due date, and it gave me our EXACT anniversary date! How cool that would have been. Now we're on to a new cycle. I'm also on to a new month of the Health Program.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Well according to www.mymonthlycycles.com, I am on DPO 9/CD 24. I can officially test tomorrow. But, I won't. Why not, you ask? Well, because I don't know if I really ovulated on the 17th or not. I'm not using any form of ovulation prediction. Other than the oh so iffy calendar method (cycle-28 days, luteal phase-14 days) That probably isn't my cycle schedule, so It's probably safe to say that I didn't ovulate at the appointed time, and therefore I am probably not pregnant. I'm sure you may ask, well what about CM? Ummmm....EW! Gross! I never could bring myself to check for that. Just not my thing. Some swear by it. I just can't. So, no. I don't use that as a tool for prediction. Funny thing, I used to ALWAYS get mittleschmerz. Every month. No fail. But that was BEFORE reversal surgery. Now I get pains intermittently. I can't bank on them 'cause they aren't at the right times. Go figure. So, this month...just like the last 5 months/cycles, I will wait as patiently as possible for Auntie Flo to show up for her monthly (un-welcome) visit. If she decided to "vacation" somewhere else? Well, I'll be mighty okay with that!

My last two full term pregnancies ended three weeks before their due dates. Almost exactly.

So when ever I would need to look at my date book, which I avoided like the plague, I would see the countdown and now that I was at 1 month left, 3 weeks left etc. When I hit 3 weeks, I broke down. My poor husband didn't know what the heck was going on. I think it freaked him out a little. He really didn't know that I was still having such a hard time. He thought I was over it.

YEAH. RIGHT.

I really released a lot of emotion that day, so when 2 weeks came I was ok. Then 1 week came and I wobbled. Then The due date came up.

I felt like a pregnant woman waiting for those last days of pregnancy to be over. Counting the hours until her due date arrival, and hoping that it would also commence the arrival of her little bundle of babyness.

Except there would be no baby for me.

I wasn't even pregnant.

I sat there in church Sunday, staring at the speakers as intently as I could. Only making eye contact with my own family. Avoiding all glances over at the families with babies. Especially the ones with brand new babies or baby girls.

My baby girl was due the day before. I was a mess.

I smiled when I had to. I answered questions when asked. But I was really struggling.

Part of me felt like I was having split personality disorder. The part that was smiling and talking to everyone, family included, was just the facade. The real me, the mother inside was kicking and screaming at the world. Crying for her lost child. Could no-one see what I was really feeling?

Of course not.

There's this unwritten rule that people seem to go by...

when a woman (couple) loses a child,

friends and family are there consoling them for a while.

maybe for up to about a month they will still ask "How are you doing?"

But then after the four week mark, it's as if it happened so long ago that you're supposed to have moved on, forgotten all about it. They have.

But, if you're here reading this because you yourself have had a miscarriage, YOU know that this is not always the case. Some mothers (couples) do move on to the next month without pause. I'm not one of those. I carry my babies in my heart and my thoughts, ALWAYS. If you are like that, too, then my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain, your sadness, your emptiness, the depression, the anger and the fear.

The fear that it will happen again. The fear that maybe you will never get pregnant again. I feel your heart.

My cycle has just ended. Finally. Now it's on to guessing when I will ovulate.

You may ask why, why would I have to guess? Why not temp, chart, kit, spit?

Well, my Honey decided that we should do it the old fashioned way and just wait for it to happen. I think we need to have a talk about that. I'm 41. To some, you may have just choked on you beverage of choice. 41!! Is she crazy? Yes, go ahead, make all your assumptions and comments. Think what you will. I give myself until my 43rd birthday to have kids. If I'm not pregnant at that time, I will surrender any notions of trying. I will give up. I will quit. I will finish raising the kids I have (which I'm doing as you read this) and try to be content with not having anymore. I pray that between now and then, Heavenly Father will heal my heart, and give me the peace I desire with that decision.

Call me crazy, go ahead!

I've been called worse.

So, I have waited these last 5 months...every month to fall pregnant. Every month we miss the opportune time. Every month I get my period. Every month I get depressed.

You may be asking if I think that being pregnant and having another baby would make my life perfect. If i hinge my ultimate happiness on that. You may ask, why is she complaining when she already has kids. You may think I'm a super cow for even complaining at all.

Go ahead, call me a cow. I can take it. I'm a big girl.

No. I don't think my ultimate happiness hinges on having a successful pregnancy and results in a baby.

No. LOL My life would NOT be perfect! Who's is?

I'm not trying to complain that I don't have all the kids I ever dreamed of as a little girl (I only ever dreamed of having 3 or 4), that I HAVE to have more! Gimme, gimme.

I only dream of filling the void that was left in my heart each time I lost a baby. I have 4 amazing kids at home and two grown and moved on. I even have 3 granbabies (they live 2000 miles away, so I can't spoil them as I'd like to!) But my heart has been ripped open and has been bleeding ever since the first loss. I want that pain to stop. I want the visions of my babies, in my hand and not my arms, to stop.

I only ask God for one more chance to hold a baby in my arms. Just one, not three. One would be enough to fill the holes of the three. Even more so if it were a girl. I know that may sound biased to some. I have five boys already. I have dreamed of having another little girl for many years. Mama's want their daughters, Daddy's want their sons. It's just a given. But, that doesn't mean that if I had another boy I wouldn't be ecstatic! I would be! I know how to do the whole boy thing! I got that down! It's just that I have dreamed for so long to have another daughter, and I was having one, and she died. Before I ever got to know her. Before I got to know if she liked dolls or trucks. Pink or green or orange. Ribbons and frilly things, or jeans and sneakers. Horses or baseball. Books or video games.