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Iran Expected To Do Excellent Job Inspecting Their Own Fucking Nuclear Facility

VIENNA – (CT&P) – Iran, in an unusual arrangement, will be allowed to use its own experts to inspect a site it allegedly used to develop nuclear arms under a secret agreement with the U.N. agency that normally carries out such work, according to a document seen by The Associated Press.

The agreement diverges from normal inspection procedures between the IAEA and a member country by essentially ceding the agency’s investigative authority to Iran. It allows Tehran to employ its own experts and equipment in the search for evidence of activities that it has been lying its ass off about for years.

“This historic agreement will guarantee the world that Iran has not been lying about the Parchin site because if it were, that would mean that it was dishonest,” said U.N. President Sam “I Am” Boutros Boutros Kahamba Kutesa Zimbabwe Smith.

“I feel confident that Iranian inspectors would let us know in a heartbeat if Iran was up to anything bad or mean-spirited.”

Condemnation of the ludicrous agreement was swift and caustic by Israeli politicians in Tel Aviv and those assigned to work within the U.S. Congress.

Senator Tom “Dead Eyes” Cotton told Fox News that “the time has come to turn Iran into glass,” and he would be more than willing to ride the first bomb targeted for Tehran.

Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu told the Bethlehem Fair Dealer that he was ready to fly to the United States and “kick Obama’s black ass.”

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has volunteered to ride the first bomb destined for Iran sometime late next week.

Evidence of the concession, as outlined in the document, is sure to increase pressure from U.S. congressional opponents as they review the July 14 Iran nuclear deal and vote on a resolution of disapproval in early September. If the resolution passed and President Barack Obama vetoed it, opponents would need a two-thirds majority to override it. Even Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican, has suggested opponents will likely lose.

The White House has denied claims by critics that a secret “side deal” favorable to Tehran exists. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has said the Parchin document is like other routine arrangements that allow crazed bloodthirsty Muslims to inspect their own fucking weapons facilities.

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression and is on round the clock suicide watch in his Boston mansion after trying to choke himself to death with a bottle of ketchup.

“This agreement is no different from numerous agreements we’ve made with other religious kooks who want to return to the good old days before there was electricity and indoor plumbing,” said Kerry, who looked like he had just been told he had a week to live. “I see no problem with it.”

Republican critics are bound to harshly criticize any document that cedes to Iran the right to look for the very nuclear wrongdoing that it has denied committing.

Olli Heinonen, who was in charge of the Iran probe as deputy IAEA director general from 2005 to 2010, said he can think of no instance where a country being probed was allowed to do its own investigation.

“This is just fucked up,” said Heinonen. “It would be like assigning Heinrich Himmler to inspect Dachau for evidence of crimes against humanity. It’s insane.”