- My friend bought a cream to rub on his penis twice a day to make it bigger. I don't know if it worked on his penis, but his hands are gigantic.

- My favorite game as a child was "Stay in My Room and Wish All the Other Kids Were Dead."

- If you're ever in San Francisco and tour Alcatraz, avoid an attraction called "The Prison Rape Simulation Chamber."

- For me, the worst part of a date is at the end when I'm paying the hooker and come up short twenty dollars. The long drive to the ATM, when her pimp has a gun pressed to the back of my head....that is awkward!

- My dad used to punch me in the stomach whenever I expressed an emotion. Is that out of the ordinary?

- If Mother Theresa was so great, how come she never had her own line of designer perfumes?

- Last Saturday, at around 2am, I was walking along the strip when I heard a gun go off and the tourist in front of me fell to the ground. A lady ran up and asked, "Oh my god! Was he shot?", and I'm all, "What am I, his biographer?"

- I wish I could bear children; that way I'd have a legitimate excuse for my weight gain.

- We have all of these troops forced to extend their tours of duty in Iraq, and where's the Salvation Army while this is going on? Yeah, way to beg for change and sell used clothes, guys.

- Believe it or not, women aren't impressed with my ability to weep on command.

- One more sentence you'll never hear: "Well said, Mr. President."

- I kept telling her, "Fuckwad McCuntdick is a terrible name for a child," but she didn't listen.

- If I would have been Terri Schiavo's husband, I'd have rented her to California motorists so they could prop her up in the passenger's seat and drive in the car pool lane.

The offense continues--my heritage happens to be Czech and I happen to be male. But you made up for it with fine quotable quotes on my blog, so I won't pout and run to my room to play my favorite game "Stay in My Room and Think of Ways to Make My Hands Bigger."