How to Navigate Shared Parenting: Communication Tips & Strategies

Most judges favor custody arrangements that maximize a child’s contact with both parents. Overall the guide is always the “best interests of the child”, but barring situations of neglect or abuse, chances are you will be sharing custody with your ex in some form.

Do you wonder how you will communicate about parenting when you couldn’t communicate during the marriage? Child custody agreements and visitation plans can be designed, but in between the technical responsibilities there is a lot of space for parents to fall back into their old patterns.

Sociologist Constance Ahrons, an expert on the wellness of families, analyzed decades of research. The data shows that it’s not the divorce but conflict that is a problem for children. This is true whether you’re married or not. If you can learn to co-parent by communicating with less conflict, you can set patterns that are healthier for your kids than the environment when you were married.

It’s human nature to repeat learned patterns, so to help your decision to do things differently, consider these strategies.

Make a commitment to shield the child

Psychologist Edward Teyber offers strategies to establish cooperative parenting after divorce. In his book, Helping Children Cope with Divorce, he stresses the importance of shielding the children from your troubles with your ex. As hard as it can be, try to resist ranting to your kids about your ex’s latest screw-up. As vulnerable as you may be feeling, resist trying to feel assured that the kids are on your “side.”

One important step parents can take is to stop a moment and acknowledge the impact of the changes that divorce brings on the children. Although research shows children of divorce rarely show lasting effects from the divorce itself, in the short term, they are having to adapt to upheavals in their home environment.

A commitment to shield the children can be especially challenging at this moment in your life. If your ex was the person you typically turned to in a crisis, that shoulder is on longer available. The other people you’ve traditionally turned to for support may no longer be there – friends and in-laws may not want to choose sides, or may not want to get involved.

You may suffer temporary depression, or feel alone as so many knowns in your life become unknowns. But even with all of these challenges, try to remember to shield the children. When you get home at the end of the day, try to put aside whatever new frustrations have developed and just talk with your kids about their day. Learning to do this can serve you in the future, to help handle whatever other frustrations happen in coming years. It is a habit that can help us all learn better work/family/life balance.

Learning to hold our need to vent, be more choosey about who we vent to, and finding alternate ways to let off steam are healthy lifestyle choices for everyone.

This is not to say that parents should pretend that nothing’s wrong. You can acknowledge if you’ve had a bad day or if things are frustrating you at the moment. Just don’t turn it into a re-hashing of all the things that are wrong with their father.

Ask your ex to make this commitment to shield the children as well. If they keep waging war against you in front the children, try to resist engaging in battle. Children need at least one parent to be emotionally available to them if the other has gone off the rails.

Don’t use litigation to communicate

In the midst of a bitter divorce, and in the hands of the wrong attorney, disagreements about child custody can escalate. This spectacle of parents at each other’s throats, warring over control of the children, can have lasting effects on the children.

In dissolving marriages where there has been complete breakdown in trust, spouses often resort to using litigation as their primary method of communication. When it comes to the kids and custody, some warring parents can return to court as many as 25 times a year. This gets enormously expensive, and takes an emotional toll on everyone.

Of course, when your kids are involved, the stakes are very high. It’s understandable that your nerves are raw and if your ex attacks (in court) or files outrageous motions, it’s natural to be tempted to strike back. The first move to prevent this is to make sure you’re working with a lawyer who knows when and how to strategically compromise. You need a lawyer who will vigorously defend your interests but you don’t want an attack dog who can’t ever stop snarling.

Respected family law lawyers will know when to urge you not to vent your anger in yet another child custody motion with little chance of success, and instead help channel your emotions into crafting workable parenting plans for a healthy future together.

A second move you can make to resist using the court to communicate about your kids is to spend time thinking about how to advocate for yourself. A good counselor or therapist can help you unwrap your old patterns. If you usually give in to your ex, or other demanding people, a counselor will help you realize why that is and help to work to create new habits to get your needs heard. If you tend to be the demanding one and have trouble compromising, you can work on that too.

During the heat of the divorce it can be a relief to have a lawyer advocating for you. While it is nice to have someone on “your side” at this crucial stage, eventually you are going to have to go it alone. What better time than the present to learn better negotiating skills. Learning how to express your needs effectively will also help you build healthier relationships in the future.

Workout communication short-cuts with your ex

In his book Helping Children Cope with Divorce, psychologist Teyber offers some tactical tips for exes. While some of these ideas may seem staged or forced, it’s because in a way they are. If you really want to interrupt old patterns, which are rooted in how each of you were raised to handle conflict, it will take some new tools. If you want to disrupt your old familiar battles, then it will take some staged tools to intervene.

Establish hand signals to end escalating conflicts – The pick-ups and drop-offs can be especially challenging soon after the divorce. It may be hard to you to even think about being in the same room, or on the same porch step, as your ex. And then, something’s come up with your child and you are forced to interact with him. The idea behind hand signals is that you and your ex agree ahead of time on the signal. Then, if you start arguing and one person uses the signal, you both agree to stop fighting immediately. You agree that no one will get the last word. This system spares your children from watching another fight, and offers a way to start new patterns of communication.

Learn to communicate effectively – Many people who remain married are mired in power struggles and have never learned healthy communication skills. A divorce can be an opportunity for personal growth and for you to model healthier communication styles to your children. Dr. Teyber’s tips for learning new skills after the divorce include:

When possible, accept responsibility for your share of the problem – are you really “all right” and your ex “all wrong”?

Try to remain focused only on the issue at hand, keeping the conflict localized instead of tying it to a long list of past wrongs;

Think about really listening to your ex; and,

Treat your ex with respect, as a gift to your children.

Of course some of this sounds idealistic. You may be dealing with an ex so mired in anger that even after the divorce is finalized they will still use the children as pawns or punching bags to get back at you. If you’re in a situation where your ex repeatedly insults you in front of the children or has seriously been badmouthing you to the children, you may want to talk to your lawyer about it. There may be further legal action you can take, if you fear your ex’s behavior is more than just sour grapes and is seriously impacting your children.

Or, you may have an ex who isn’t exactly spoiling the children against you, but who still won’t grow up or won’t take responsibility for some things. If your ex doesn’t take the opportunity to become a better communicator, you can still learn to set clear boundaries and limits, and take control over how you let their behavior impact your life.

It’s too bad that custody agreements and parenting plans can’t force parents to be civil. But if you can keep focused on moderating your own behavior, over time, hopefully newer and healthier patterns with your ex will emerge organically.

CASES ACROSSNORTHEAST OHIO

Testimonials

"I was looking for a Law Firm that would represent me in my case and after a few weeks of calling firms, Attorney Hawkins' timely response and urgency to assist me made the situation easier to bare."
- - J. Broadus

The attorneys at Slater and Zurz get RESULTS!! They are courteous and professional. I will always go back to Slater and Zurz for any legal issues I might have." - Karen McGregor

Silas Pisani did an excellent job assisting with my case. He always answered any question I had within a 24 hour period. He met me where it was convenient for me and even on a Saturday. He kept me informed and on schedule with the necessary proceedings.read more

Slater and Zurz are my go to Law Firm.Knowledge, Integrity and Execution are synonymous when working with a client at Slater and Zurz.They have been my go to Law Firm for over ten years. They produce successful results for me and they will for you.Bill Millerread more

Silas Pisani was just what I needed. He's not what you expect. He was quiet, intelligent, diligent, affordable and kind at all times. He didn't create any additional conflicts. He just got my divorce done the way I wanted at the initial price he charged.read more

I had a domestic case pertaining to child visitation. Slater & Zurz was cooperative in helping me get the proper forms to help me through my struggle to see my children for visitation. They were veryexpedient in their efforts and I was charged a very minimal fee! I was very pleased with their services. I would recommend their expertise and have used their services when needed. 🙂read more

Jim Slater has been our attorney for nigh on 40 years. I remember how he fussed with my husband at first but we learned to trust him and we were all great, great friends. My husband died and I had several things come up and I went back to him. Same Jim after 40 years thoughtful, considerate, confident and friendlyread more

I appreciated the attentiveness of the Attorney's and other staff that I have spoke with and worked with on a previous case. the whole staff is wonderful in dealing with clients and helping resolve any problems. They made me feel like top priority. I would recommend them to anyone. if you're looking for a law firm that goes above and beyond for their clients then look no further! Trust me! Thank you to everyone and all your hard work!read more

I've reached out to Slater and Zurz on several occasions and each time have been treated like family. I truly feel as if they were putting themselves in my shoes FIRST and talked to me as if I was all that mattered. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend them to anyone.read more

Jon Zurz is awesome☺ He actively completed my case and even won us more awarded money. Also, I needed additional help with another case and he jumped right on it👌his staff is a pleasure to do business with!Thanks for doing business with me!☺read more

I work in the same building as S&Z they are a great bunch of lawyers. When I ask questions they're always very informative. Easy going and friendly. If I ever have a need for a lawyer I will go there 1st.read more

I do not have one negative thing to say about this Law Group! From Randy, to Breanna, and to my attorney John. It isn't often that you are able to speak directly to your attorney but I had the privilege of speaking to him many times. If anyone is seeking a top notch legal team, I highly recommend this Law Group. In my opinion they have hearts, compassion, and pure love of their jobs. I was treated with kindness and the utmost respect. I wasn't just a case file on someone's desk. I know I mattered to them!read more

I spoke with Randy lastnight at a wedding reception concerning some legal problems I have. He was very gracious and spoke to me about it and I will be contacting him in the near future to discuss the situation better. He was very informative and a very good listener. I appreciated it very much!read more

Contacted these guys after my husband's car accident. They were very helpful and keep in contact with you which is a major thing for us. We had fired his attorney and hired Attorney Buchanan. When he couldn't call us back his partner Randy did and that was a great experience. We met with Sean in person and everybody in the office was friendly and eager to help us out. Great costumes great team! Thanks.read more

I have never spoken with a more professional and caring staff. The legal professionals here address your problem(s)with authentic care and explain the best options available in your situation. The fees or rates are not even broached until after they have heard and reviewed your informarion. They will call you back quickly and let you know if they can realistically assist. Should I need legal assistance in the future, this will be my first and only choiceread more

Attorney Robert Horton was excellent! He handled our motorcycle accident claims when no other attorney would even take our case. We were very pleased with his services and he handled everything in a professional and timely manner. I would highly recommend him and will refer family and friends to him if they need an attorney.read more

I had a simple question that they answered today. I used them 10 to 12 years ago for something I'm sure I don't want to remember. But they were great back then and very gracious with their time todayread more

Excellent group of Lawyers, ... immediately I received , compassion, and empathy when I discussed my case/claim even before I became an official client. Lawyers that offer this type of service is really hard to find these days... Once again this is a excellent Law Firm!!!!read more

The people here are extremely friendly and will bend over backwards to help you if they can. If they can’t help with your situation then they will help you find someone who can. Thank you Randy for talking with me and helping me out.read more

I want to thank everyone for their professionalism. I have a hernia mesh case with them and every time I call they answer all my questions, doesn't matter how many I ask. When I leave a message they call right back. They treat me as valued client.read more

I spent 30 minutes on the phone with a very intelligent, caring guy (I wish I could remember his name). I need to move on in my life but I am afraid to admit my marriage is failed. He walked me through it - like he gave me some vision about being in a better place. I'll definitely call him when I get everything together.read more

I went online to their online chat feature. They responded immediately and put me right in contact with an attorney over the phone that walked through my entire case with me free of charge. They are more than willing to assist with any legal matter you have. Great and fast service!read more

These guys are awesome. I spoke with Randy today regarding an issue & wanted to see what my legal recourse was & he took the time to give me advice. I will definitely be keeping their number in my phone.read more

After speaking with multiple attorneys I called Slater & Zurz to get some information about how to dispute a traffic citation that I received. They actually gave me FREE legal advice!!! They genuinely care about helping people and are not just out to get your money. I would recommend them to anyone in need of a great lawyer who actually cares about helping the people they represent.read more

Slater & Zurz is an excellent firm. I was assisted by John Lynette. He was always on top of things and made sure to help protect my family and I. He's very easy to work with and easy to communicate with. I had gotten into two different auto accident. One being a hit and run, the other a car rear ended our van and totaled it. John helped my family in both cases to make sure we were taken care. The case where we got rear ended took kind of long is because the people that were at fault, their attorney took forever on their end, but John went above and beyond to talk to those other attorneys and got them to hurry up and settled our case quickly. Thank You John Lynette. Ben and Nouread more

Ever have your attorney call you back WITHIN 24 HOURS? I didn’t either! UNTIL these folks were hired. They even answer their phones!!! ????????. I was so shocked, at first, I was talking so fast to get it all out before I was cut off...THAT didn’t happen either! What what?? Really, these guys have YOUR best interest in mind from start to finish. I was impressed! Thanks Rob!!read more

Called them after I was in an accident with my son. We were both injured and they responded fast. When I called for an update they promptly responded. They were always quick to be courteous. And they got us great settlements ASAP. Fast, prompt, courteous and efficient. Great attorneys. Thank you!read more