Dysfunctional Solutions Patient Dis-Satisfaction Survey

Dear Ex patient

We would not like to evaluate the services we have provided to you so we won’t. Please do not bother to answer this stupid form honestly because we do not want to hear your griping anyway. Just take your pencil and stab whatever part of you hurts the most. That will be the most effective part of your treatment thus far. Thank you for your co-operation.

Location of Facility

We tried to set up an out of the way office that would be difficult to find. How inconvenient is this location? Is the building hard to find? Good. We are working on putting it on the non-existent fifth floor with rickety broken stairs and no guard rail-patients.

Did we charge enough for parking?

How many cars and/or poles have you run into in these narrow dark spaces?

Did our dark parking area creep you out and cause you to think you would be mugged?

Did you actually get mugged? Did you injure yourself again so we could get more bang from your insurance company? Good. If you are in a wheel chair did the lack of an access ramp make it difficult to get to our office. Did you need a wheelchair after treatment and not before?

Dis-satisfaction Level: ______

Waiting Area & Reception

How comfortable are you in the waiting area? Were the upside down tacks hidden in the chairs sharp enough to cause you to seek further treatment? We pride ourselves on sharpness. Did our front desk staff bad breath and flatulence problem add to your discomfort? How would you rate the tacky decor and reading material? Is there enough pornography to satisfy you, you perverts. Were you yelled at in an effective manner? Did we make you wait long enough to aggravate your condition further? Good.

Dis-satisfaction Level: ______

Intake

Rate your dis-satisfaction with the initial intake procedure. Did we confuse you enough regarding type and duration of treatment you would not be receiving now or ever? Did we mislead you enough? Outright lie. Promise that you would improve? Promise to steal you blind and laugh in your face? Dis-satisfaction Level: ______

Treatment & Followup

Were your physical and psychological comfort levels totally disregarded during each session? Did we purposely aggravate your condition by putting you in a scanty gown and make you wait in a drafty room with nothing to do for hours and hours while we sat out here and picked our noses? Did our irritating conversation and technical gibberish cause you to have to use the bathroom we don’t have sooner while you stared at the blank walls wondering if we would ever come back?

Dis-satisfaction Level: ______

How would you rate your therapist’s treatment techniques? Did she make you remove your clothing, put into contorted positions, use weird equipment, bend you in painful positions and scare you sufficiently so you ran screaming from our office with a broken leg? Good. Did you break the other? Did the therapists make enough effort to keep you misinformed? Were your goals ignored or disregarded during treatment?

Dis-satisfaction Level: ______

Were home and/or office exercises frustrating enough? Were the diagrams confusing when we bothered to give you any? Were the stick people hard to follow? Were the exercises downright impossible to do, and when you didn’t, did we humiliate you and make you feel dumb and guilty enough? Good.

Dis-satisfaction Level: ______

Billing

How would you rate the cost of treatment?

Would you consider it downright outrageous?

Was the billing procedure confusing from the very beginning?

Will you need to indenture yourself and seven future generations just to pay off our bill?

We need to keep health care costs up so we can keep making outrageous salaries while the whole industry goes further down the tubes. It’s our duty as good Americans.