Tag Archives: pt quitters

We’ve seen this ruse before, Bachmann. You think no one would suspect it, then you get caught, and now you’re all, “Oh, I’m done being Swiss.” She only loves “America” now. We’re not buying it, SPY. This continues to all be the Left’s fault.
Here’s her letter, which essentially says, “I FUCKING LOVE THE UNITED STATES, HAMBURGERS, PIE, AND WAR.” The Greatest. Nation. The World. Has. Ever. Known. Ever. Best. Winners. God. America: Read more on Quitter Bachmann Withdraws Swiss Citizenship (To Work Undercover)…

Newt, Newt, our hero Newt, what are you talking about? Weren’t we supposed to ride this train all the way to Tampa and fuck shit up at the convention? Now you’re saying you’re going to reassess the campaign after tonight. Weak, Newt. The Newt of ’78-’94 wouldn’t have caved like this. That Newt would’ve castrated Mitt Romney with a T-Rex skull, on pay-per-view. And then he would’ve gotten thrown out of the speakership, but still… would’ve been awesome. Read more on Newt Gingrich Will Reassess His Plan To Declare Himself American Emperor…

Do you hear that? That is the sound of weeping — really, that phlegmy, breathless, hacking snot-snarfling SOBBING — throughout the land as political humorists realize the little spitty, sneery, smegmatic Torquemadita has bowed to something called “reality.” And now he is not quitting, per se (because that way you can no longer spend your campaign funds maybe?) but is “suspending” his campaign. Is Rick Perry’s campaign still suspended? Is Herman Cain’s? Did those dudes ever actually quit? Anybody wanna check on that? Read more on BREAKING! Rick Santorum Takes His Balls And Goes Home…

IT SEEMED LIKE IT WOULD BE FUN AT THE TIME: “Kal Penn, star of the ‘Harold & Kumar’ movies, will leave his job in the Obama administration to appear in a new Christmas-themed flick as his signature stoner character, Entertainment Weekly reported Friday, citing the actor’s representatives.” Sellout. Well, re-sellout. [NY Post]
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CHARLIE RANGEL TAKING A ‘LEAVE OF ABSENCE’ FROM WAYS AND MEANS DURING ETHICS PROBE: Good lord, this is what the man gets for taking some hot Caribbean vacations on the dime of The Corporates? What else is the point of government? Anyway so much for giving Nancy Pelosi his WORD that he would chair his committee through thick & thin, etc. [AP]
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CAN’T EVEN HANDLE THIS NEWS: “Under intense pressure from Democratic Party officials, Harold E. Ford Jr., the former Tennessee congressman, has decided not to challenge Sen. Kirsten E. Gillibrand in the primary this fall, according to two people told of his plans.” This is just an extreme disappointment for comedy, one for which there is no comprehensive one-liner at the moment. [NYT]
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This is the best that friend-to-nice-ladies David Paterson could come up with, explaining why he decided to exit the New York governor’s race: “It has become increasingly clear to me in the last few days that I cannot run for office and try to manage the state’s business at the same time.” He has a point — can you imagine any incumbent elected official trying to run again, for the same office, while still on the job? A “re”-election campaign, we would likely call this frantic dystopian circus. HOW WOULD YOU SPLIT UP THE TIME! [YouTube]
Read more on David Paterson Cannot Govern And Run For Re-Election At The Same Time…

NOOOOOO!!! Of all the aides that could have quit given the headline “Palin aide departs,” it had to be Meghan “Meg” Stapleton, the famous shapeless Alaskan laughsack! Meg Stapleton, coiner of the line, “The world is literally her oyster,” leaving. Leaving all of us. Leaving the world of Politics. (Lucky.) Read more on Sarah Palin’s Comically Inadequate Mouthpiece Quits!…

Yikes, did we imply Sarah Palin was acting like a “normal ‘Merikun” in eastern Washington State for Thanksgiving? Sorry about that! Palin was just being a Prima Donna nutcase, like always. Read more on Sarah Palin Quits 5K Charity Run, Too…

Everybody knew Senator Mel Martinez, the Florida guy who took advantage of what’s known as “the Cuban Exemption” in order to become both a Republican and a Hispanic at the same time, would not run for re-election in 2010. But who knew he’d be resigning his seat a year early? Read more on Senator Mel Martinez Quits Early…

Sarah Palin is so super-maverick-y now that she won’t even honor her vow to make a speech at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, where she was scheduled to speak at the Simi Valley Republican Ladies Group Fund-raiser for Republicans, a very widely reported exciting event that was to be her first public appearance since just quitting the governorship of Alaska because fuck those people, right? Read more on Sarah Palin Pisses On Ronald Reagan’s Grave…

ALEX PAREENE ON PALIN’S INSANE GOODBYE: “It’s like Peggy Noonan, Jack London, and William Faulkner wandered into the woods with three buttons of peyote and one typewriter, and only this speech emerged.” [Gawker]
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Oh yeah you might want to see this, right? It’s Sarah Palin’s “goodbye and fuck you all, except the military families, you keep us safe” speech. Check it out!
Read more on Sarah Palin’s Last Words…

Senator John Ensign isn’t quitting his job just because he had the poor taste to sleep with his friend’s wife and then stick his parents with the most expensive “here’s a little something for your trouble” tab ever, but his chief of staff might be! According to one report, Ensign COS John Lopez is “leaving” the senator’s office. Is he quitting? Getting fired? Laid off, like a common employee of Huck Pac? Who knows, ’cause Ensign’s office ain’t telling. Our money’s on quitting, because most Senate chiefs of staff want to bow out at the pinnacle of their careers. [The Hill]
Read more on Ensign Chief Of Staff Leaving?…

Well, for all their tuff talk on this racist Puerto Rican separatist who wasn’t even very smart, the Republicans have just rolled over and shown the tyrannical Sonia Sotomayor their little white bellies. After spending two months complaining about nothing but the occasions when she said the two most forbidden words in the English language — “wise Latina” — they have basically admitted that they won’t filibuster her nomination. Read more on Republicans Just Give Up On Sotomayor…

Well, this is highly unsatisfying. We wanted to hear that Sarah Palin was one of the handful of lovelies with whom Mark Sanford “crossed the line” after a steamy meetup at the make-your-own-omelette buffet at some Republican Governors’ conference, but no. While we wait for shoes to drop and “real journalists” to do whatever they’re doing, up there in Juneau and Anchorage, the only reason anybody can come up with why Sarah Palin quit her job was that she was sick of all the ethics complaints being filed against her. Read more on Palin Was Driven Out Of Office By … Paperwork?…

Man, we kinda liked this guy! He was (is?) dating that pretty gal from the Clinton campaign, and he recently dared to say something not entirely positive about Jon Stewart, and hell, he is not Michael Bloomberg, all of which made him a refreshingly human-seeming type to run for New York Mayor. But he will not do this thing, for several reasons. Read more on Anthony Weiner Not Running For NYC Mayor…

Not too long ago, some of the most coveted jobs in Washington lay in the Republican National Committee. Its employees went to work at noon, were fed peeled grapes by strapping young men in American flag-themed loincloths, dined on baby whale-steaks with the world’s most creative and decadent war criminals, and then rode home on gold-plated dildos at 4pm sharp. But now under the leadership of Michael Steele, RNC gigs gotten so depressing that long-time employees are leaving. Read more on Nobody Wants To Work At RNC Anymore…

NORM COLEMAN’S LAWYER IS ‘DONE,’ SOMEHOW: Joe Friedberg, Norm Coleman’s recount attorney, tells Hotline, “Yes, I’m done,” after being asked if he is “done.” It is not clear whether this means he’s quitting, but it does mean that maybe someday, in 2025 or something, Norm Coleman’s legal challenges to his lost 2008 election will be over. [Hotline]
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Forgotten Florida Republican Senator Mel Martinez announced his retirement today, two years early, and nobody really cares. Martinez is a Cuban alien who somehow got to Florida and became mayor of some town, in Florida, so George Bush Junior made him the HUD secretary, so Martinez caused the housing collapse probably, and then he ran for the Senate and won, we guess, because he’s a senator now, but only for two more years. Read more on Mel Martinez Latest Republican To Give Up…

Christopher Buckley, the terrorist appeaser liberal betrayer and soiler of the legacy of the last conservative intellectual on earth, William F. Buckley, went on Chris Matthews’ show last night and chuckled about how a bunch of mouth-breathing rubes who read National Review hate him now. He calls himself a “hack novelist,” which is a little unfair; he just needs to remember that novelists shouldn’t publish their first drafts. [MSNBC]
Read more on Buckley’s Kid Chortles About Quitting Conservatism…