#1 – Accept you have a problem and STOP moaning about it

Have you ever worried about something and ruminated over and over in your head about it?

Did you notice when you did that that the issue you were worried about got better or did you worry even more?

or

Have you ever grumbled about something to yourself and then maybe you’ve moaned about it to your family, friends, work colleagues… and the problem you were grumbling about seems to get worse and worse.

Maybe it’s something you’re experiencing at work – you notice a colleague seems to always have a bit of a dig at you… or maybe you feel like you’re being given too much work and you’re always too busy…

Maybe it’s your work-life balance that you’re grumbling about “I’ve not got enough time to do the things I want to do – it’s all work, work, work.. and then when I come home it’s cleaning, washing, ironing, gardening, sorting the kids out… I’m sick of it!” and maybe you start passing on your grumbles to other people in your life: “You never help – I’m the one who always has to do ….” etc.

So here it is… the first step to solving ANY problem is…

STOP IT!

STOP WORRYING

STOP MOANING

STOP GRUMBLING

You’re probably ready to hit me now aren’t you?

So I’d better explain quickly before you come knocking on my door!

When you’re worrying, grumbling or continually moaning about something, you’re not actually changing anything. In fact, most of the time, the worrying, moaning and grumbling make the situation even worse.

Why?

Because what we focus on, is what we experience more of in our life.

Spending time worrying, moaning and grumbling about something means we’re focussing our precious energy on the issue and not the solution.

It’s the “Worry…Moan…Grumble…” syndrome

Have you heard of the ‘itch, scratch, itch’ syndrome. You have an ‘itch’ and the more you scratch it the worse the itch becomes ? Well, it’s the same with worrying – the more you moan and grumble about what’s worrying you, the more you’ll worry and the more you’ll worry, groan and grumble!!

Have you noticed yourself (or someone else) in your life spending time telling everyone about their ‘problem’ and either the conversation in our head repeats the problem over and over or we’re talking about ‘the problem’ with our friends, family, colleagues, over and over and OVER!!!

Just cast your mind back and think about the times you’ve got caught in the cycle of moaning, grumbling, worrying, moaning, grumbling, worrying, moaning, grumbling, worrying… (you get my drift don’t you?)…

Whether it’s about your problem or someone else’s problem, if you’re repeatedly going over the problem (to your own Negative Committee – the voices in your head) or with your friends/family/colleagues then you’re focusing on the problem instead of the solution.

Is it time to:

STOP COLLABORATING WITH THE NEGATIVE COMMITTEE

When you spend so much time talking about ‘it’ – either to the Negative Committee in your head or to other people, you start to notice and experience MORE of what’s been concerning you. and you’ll have even less time and energy to take any action to improve ‘it’.

It doesn’t matter how BIG or small ‘IT’ is, as an adult, we always have capacity to change how we respond to something.

Here’s the secret …

You can only change something when you accept and acknowledge that it’s a problem.

When you’re worrying, moaning and grumbling, you’re focussing negative energy on the problem and the problem will often seem to grow worse and worse.

This isn’t to say that you’ll never have a problem that will cause you to worry about it or have the occasional grumble and moan about it, but when the worrying, moaning, grumbling goes on… and on…. and on………. then it’s time to STOP IT!

Here’s how:

Get Conscious – notice how much time you’re spending worrying, moaning and grumbling about something. Become conscious of the Negative Committee in your head and how often you’re speaking to people about ‘IT’

If you recognise that this is something that’s consuming your time and energy to an excessive degree, then ask yourself these questions:

“Is this something I can do something about now?”

“Is this within my control or not?”

It’s important to be honest with yourself. Sometimes we feel we’ve got no control of something or we feel there’s nothing we can do, when the truth is that actually there are lots of things we can do but we’ve focussed so much time worrying about it, we’ve not had time to look at opportunities to solve the issue.

Sometimes solving the issue may simply be to walk away from ‘it’. It may not ‘feel’ simple but often it’s easier than our Negative Committee tells us it is…

However, if the answer to both questions really is ‘NO’ then it’s time to park the issue and stop focussing energy worrying, moaning and grumbling about it.

There are some things in life that we can’t directly change, but there are very few things we can’t exert some control over.

That control we have, may be simply to acknowledge there’s a problem and agree with our Negative Committee that we’re going to STOP focussing time and energy worrying about it and therefore tell the Negative Committee to:

“Sit down and shut the f*ck up!”

When we stop focussing negative energy moaning about something but not doing anything about it, we’re depleting our resources. We become unresourceful and we’re unlikely to find any solution to the problem.

However, when we acknowledge that there is a problem and we accept it’s not something we can change right now and that we’re therefore going to park the problem, we’re giving ourselves some breathing space. What we often notice, is that we then create space in our mind, solutions start to creep in…

When we acknowledge that we have a problem, even if it’s something we initially think we can’t resolve this is a great question to ask:

“How Can I Resolve This?”

When we ask this question, instead of being stuck in the ‘moan, grumble, moan’ cycle, we put ourselves into solution mode.

Simply asking ourselves ‘how can I resolve this’, activates our subconscious mind to start working on a solution. Our subconscious brain wants to help us stay safe, so when we collaborate with it and ask for help, it will set to work looking for opportunities and solutions to our ‘problem’

Sometimes we like to moan about a problem that we’re not willing to do anything about, but when we do this, we’re likely to experience more of the ‘the problem’

As adults, there are very few things that we can’t exert some control over and we always have an opportunity to acknowledge a problem and change our response to it. When we change our response to it, the outcome will also change.

So, here are my top tips for helping yourself or someone you know break out of the Worry, Moan, Grumble cycle and put on the Solution Cap instead…

When you notice yourself or someone close to you stuck in the ‘worry, moan, grumble’ cycle, stop collaborating and instead ask:

“Is this a problem I/you can do something about?”

If not – stop talking about it and ask yourself or them the magical question

“How Can I/You Resolve This?”

At this point, you may want to sit down and write down the answers that start popping into your head.

However, sometimes the answers don’t come straight away. If they don’t, then ask yourself the question again, just before you fall asleep at night.

What you’ll find is that over the next few days and weeks, if you create space in your head by quieting the ‘Negative Committee’, that space will be filled with the solutions. The ideas of what you can do to resolve the issue will start to pop into your head.

Writing down the possible solutions, helps you to believe that a solution is ‘possible’, where previously you may have felt it was ‘impossible’…

Sometimes the solutions aren’t easy but they’re always possible!

Have you ever been stuck in the ‘worry, moan, grumble’ cycle? – or maybe that’s where you are at the moment…

If so, I’d love to hear from youand maybe I could be part of your ‘solution cap’ – sometimes people who aren’t directly involved can give you the spark of inspiration you need to set you onto the Solution Highway…

Let me hold your hand… Leave me a comment and I’ll do my best to help you find a solution.

14 Comments

So very true Wendy, what we focus on grows. I know someone (very close to me actually) who I often have to “lift” out of her doldrums. It’s a drain and I know that when she gets off the phone to me she feels better, but I end up feeling depleted. But I guess it’s part and parcel of being a parent. Thanks for another inspiring post. Hope you’re well and enjoying the weekend. xo

Hi Miri
So sorry for delayed response – It’s been a manic ‘work’ week… Yes – I know that feeling well Miri. I have learned thought that sometimes we have to take a slight backward step to enable people close to us to start stepping up and facing their own issues and fears and in the long run it’s better for them… Took me a long time to learn that lesson and it’s definitely not easy! xxx

Such an awesome way of replying someone. Thanks. Again
As always your posts are incredible and I enjoying reading every word down till the last line. I must say that you are probably one of the excellent bloggers on WordPress that write inspired
Writing/post

Also, I just posted: A VIEW OF WOMAN IN THE SOCIETY-
FATE OF A MANGO FRUIT
Would love to know your views. Love to see your contributions on it. I’m always excited for your comment. 🙂

Such an awesome way of replying someone. Thanks. Again
As always your posts are incredible and I enjoying reading every word down till the last line. I must say that you are probably one of the excellent bloggers on WordPress that write inspired
Writing/post

Also, I just posted: A VIEW OF WOMAN IN THE SOCIETY-
FATE OF A MANGO FRUIT
Would love to know your views. Love to see your contributions on it. I’m always excited for your comment. 🙂

I have a dear girlfriend [40 years +] that moans and groans and grumbles in a loop. The only thing I can really do for her [since she already knows what she could be doing to resolve her situation], is to listen patiently until she takes a breathe. Then I gently paraphrase, listen to her telling me what she’s learned from her rant, and move us on to another subject.

Thankfully, she’s multi-layered so I don’t have to listen too long much anymore. She instinctively know when enough is enough. Thankfully, she feels bad enough about how her moaning might one day end our relationship that she now keeps it to a minimum, and seems happier telling me how if she could, would solve her 25 year relationship woes. Whew!

Oh gosh… yep I think we’ve all got a friend or a colleague that gets stuck in that loop. To be fair there have been moments that I’ve got myself stuck in a loop too but fortunately it doesn’t happen very often and there’s usually one of my family prepared to give me a kick up the bum when I need it! Great to hear from you – I hope all is fabulous in your World Jen! xx