Thursday, May 31, 2007

i'm currently watching game 6 of the cavs-pistons series. the only reason i'm torturing myself through this is because i'm watching it on this.

the sports guy wrote a hilarious article today about how incompetent the coaches are in this series. and i gotta say, in high definition, their complete lack of intelligence and savvy is staggering.

allow me to rant.

cleveland runs two plays: clear out for lebron, and lebron/varejao pick and roll (hold the roll). in actuality, they are not bad plays. they've got nothing on that team. okay, you're completely eliminating lebron's greatest skill (his passing), but other than him, this team is atrocious. he's your only hope.

okay, it's the fourth quarter, so the call is to...wait for it, wait for it...clear out for lebron, and detroit counters by playing him straight up. of which lebron counters by dunking it in their grills. over and over and over and over and over again. every so often, for variety's sake, they run the pick and roll, and when varejao rolls, his defender follows him to the hoop.

why would the pistons follow varejao? i don't know. he's not getting the ball. you would double lebron right? right? anyone?

so, okay, he's on fire and he's abusing his defenders. detroit refuses to double. so they should go zone, right? i mean, you want the other guys to shoot, right? why not pack the lane and force lebron to dish once he gets past his defender? makes sense, no?

no. just one dunk after the other, practically unimpeded. one on one. they're inviting lebron to abuse them.

while this one man offensive avalanche is happening (with a golden invitation by flip saunders), mike brown (the "coach" of the cavs) is substituting offense for defense. why? your offense is lebron going 1 on 1. he IS your offense. why are you substituting at all? shouldn't you just keep your best defensive players in the game? why put yourself at risk of not having your best defensive ballplayers in at the end of the game? your best "offensive" players are just standing around. your best defensive players can do that too, right? right?

finally, after 16 straight dunks or so, the pistons decide that it might be a good idea to leave varejao alone on the pick and roll and double lebron. i know. genius.

so what does mike brown do? yep, you called it. keep on calling these insignificant pick and rolls (hold the roll). so, for no offensive advantage, he's basically giving the pistons a reason to double lebron. yes, he's inviting his own unstoppable one man offense to give up the ball. you know, because if he doesn't call the pick and roll (hold the roll), there's no double team. it would just be lebron and his man on an island.

by now, my throat is sore.

okay, there's 30 seconds left in overtime and we're tied. the cavs got the ball and just one timeout, so they burn it. why? for what? to set up lebron clear out? to set up lebron pick and roll (hold the roll)? to put in your offensive players so they can stand around? c'mon! you've got two plays. pick one. by burning the timeout now, you lose the reason to have timeouts: the ability to advance the ball to halfcourt if you get the last shot.

i repeat: by calling a meaningless timeout, you're forfeiting the ability to advance the ball to halfcourt later. and yep, that's what happened.

honestly, it's not as much of a basketball game as much of a comedy show right now.

lebron drive. lebron, pick and roll, (hold the roll). detroit doing nothing to stop him. his coach doing nothing to help him. 29 points in the 4th quarter and 2 overtimes, all done by calling two plays. hey, this is the nba.

the headlines will be all about lebron, and he was amazing. truly amazing. this was the performance the world was waiting for.

but it wouldn't have been without the combined amazing incompetence of their coaches involved.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

i spent saturday noon watching the delivery guys install it and calibrate the colors to fit my apartment, while i wondered if 40" is indeed too big for my octagon of a room.

i spent saturday afternoon shopping for a proper entertainment center to showcase this beauty.

i spent saturday night assembling it and rewiring the cables.

i spent early sunday morning enjoying the picture with everything i have in my body and retinas.

i fell asleep.

i awoke sunday morning and hit "guide" and watched the channels scroll at the speed of a slot machine on human growth hormones.

i spent sunday afternoon making sure everything was plugged in correctly.

i spent sunday night on the phone with comcast, complaining that i just bought a HD TV but i can't choose what to watch because the guide feature won't slow down for me. they zapped the box, but nothing happened. i changed the batteries, but that didn't work either. i snapped my fingers like the fonz. no go.

i'm now awaiting for thursday morning's visit from the comcast man.

until then, i have to go online, check out comcast's online listing of current tv shows, pick what i want to watch, type in the numbers on my remote and then watch it. also, i can't watch anything on my DVR or on demand because it scrolls way too fast for me to choose and stop.

so, simply put, watching TV on my brand new work of art is suddenly a huge painful chore.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

From: ChristianDebtRemovers Sent: Friday, May 25, 2007 4:54 PMSubject: Are you a Christian and in debt?

why do you have to be christian to be eligible to have your debt removed? because jews already know what to do? because buddhists would find it enlightening? because atheists don't acknowledge the existence of money?

Saturday, May 19, 2007

yeah, you all know i'm always on the hunt for the finest t-shirts around. and with the advent of this thing they call "the web", which is now world wide, my collection has gone from a curiosity to an obsession.

an obsession of cleverness, that is.

here's three that will soon adorn my pectoral region (pectorals not included):

Thursday, May 17, 2007

it's a completely amazing album coming from a completely amazing band, probably the best living american band around. it's just musically triumphant and somewhat intimidating from a creative standpoint.

let me take a step back. it's not their most creative album. "a ghost is born" is, by far. but it is their most focused. and i just feel there's such a greater achievement in staying creative and disciplined.

"summerteeth" might have more hooky songs. "yankee hotel foxtrot" might be more inspired. "being there" might be more energetic.

but i swear, this album just got me, shook me, captured me, from the opening line of "maybe the sun will shine today" to the very last "you and i will try to make it better yet", it's actually an uplifting album - which is strange to hear, considering the natural pain heard through jeff tweedy's voice. i think, actually, that makes it seem more uplifting that through it all, the clouds are parting.

i listened to it while writing my screenplay at my coffeehouse. in fact, i went through the entire album three times. sometimes, writing is just a wave you ride as long as you can. tonight, this album carried me. tonight i had breakthroughs. maybe i would have had them anyways. maybe not. it just set the right mood, you know?

i've been reading reviews of the album. the funny thing is that wilco are held in such high regard, that although the albums are praised endlessly, they are also criticized for what they aren't, or what everyone expected them to be. this album isn't any different. for every 4 out of 5 stars comes a list of complaints. a band this creative and complicated that makes an album this simple just opens themselves up for criticisms.

but of everything i read, no description sums it up as accurately as this:

this is the eagles album that the eagles wished they made,

what else can be said?

the album is free to listen to here though a streaming audiocast. i urge you to give it a chance. just be prepared for the repercussions.

i just read about this on metsblog.com, and i think this is a fantastic idea.

News: Subway Series In Lights

Paul Bodi of MLB.com reports for the first time in its history, the Empire State Building will split its tower lights.

According to Bodi, starting Friday night the famous New York City landmark will be lit in Mets blue and orange on the east and west sides of the building, while the north and south sides will be lit in Yankees' blue and white.

Bodi also notes the team who wins the series will have their colors displayed on all fours sides on Monday.

of course, i'm talking about "bay to breakers", the annual race/walk/parade from the bay to the ocean that brings out the very best of this great city. and by best, i mean the things that makes this city completely colorful, insane, unique and hilarious.

of course, i'm running it. and i just got my confirmation e-mail, and it lists everything you shouldn't do.

which is everything everyone does.

here goes the list of restrictions - or, like i said, invitations:

Restrictions:Only registered participants will be admitted to the Start and Finish areas. For everyone's safety and enjoyment, NO ALCOHOL, NUDITY, pets, roller blades, skateboards, bicycles, or plastic bags for warm-ups are allowed on course. Wheeled objects and over-sized costumes must line up at the back.

so, when faced with this dilemma, what do they do? do something different? pick shows based off creative, radical ideas? try to find something nobody's ever seen before?

nah, that's silly.

so they did what's expected: regurgitate.

so just when you think you couldn't put out any more crap on tv, here's a press release about nbc's new schedule from cnn.com. go ahead, try to find the original idea in their plans. i can't:Since it found an audience this season with superpowered stars, NBC will remake "Bionic Woman" with Michelle Ryan in the title role.

New series "Journeyman" is about a San Francisco newspaper reporter who travels through time to alter people's lives, and "Chuck" is a thriller about a computer geek who becomes a government agent after spy secrets are embedded in his brain.

Brooke Shields headlines an hour-long series about three high-powered women friends, a script from "Sex and the City" author Candace Bushnell.

NBC's other new series, "Life," is a drama about a detective given a second chance after spending years in prison for a crime he didn't commit.

Illustrating the difficulties in introducing new comedies, NBC said it will have only one new sitcom next season -- and it didn't even earn a spot on the fall schedule. "The IT Crowd" is about a group of people who work in technical services at a large corporation.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

i know there's a big uproar over the double standard caused by this cop not losing his job, but his hilarious paranoia on his urgent 911 call after eating confiscated pot brownies is absolutely one for the record books. the great comedians of the future will spend months and years studying this perfect storm of unintentional comedy.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

on the way back home from my local cofffeehouse, bookstore and walgreens, i went to my local chinese restaurant to order some takeout for dinner. it's called spices II, and although it's located a block from my house, i've never eaten there.

i go to the counter and order a chicken and corn soup and also the chef's special chow mein with chicken, pork and shrimp, all to go. it cost me $15. i gave them a $20. and i put down a $3 tip.

but the two college aged girls behind the counter who took my order and delivered my food were incredibly hot. so incredibly hot. like it was a joke how hot they were. and they were just impeccably dressed on top of being absolutely gorgeous. like stunningly gorgeous.

did i mention how hot they were?

so i tipped them $3, which is just a tad more than the industry standard of 15%.

look, i didn't tip them $20. that would be wrong, right? and that would be uncomfortable. that would offer up questions that would require answers that would make them blush and/or alert their knife-wielding friends from the kitchen.

but i should tip them, right? i mean, they are in the service industry. their service, and that includes appearance, was flawless. if they weren't that hot, i wouldn't have tipped them.

today i took a bus ride to the inner sunset, and saw, with my very own eyes for the first time, an empty canvas cafe. i did most of my best writing there, and was entertained for hours by terrible stand-up comedy, even worse open mic nights and cliched poetry readings. it never failed to entertain me or inspire me.

i'm gonna miss it terribly.

tonight, i just learned that another place dear to my heart will be closing.

when i first moved to san francisco, i lived in a crazy house. it was so crazy that, for the first time in recorded history, the sanest person who lived there was an actress.

i really didn't want to go home after work, so i would stop in at john barleycorn, a quiet old-fashioned bar on larkin between california and sacramento. it was right off the cable car line, and they poured the finest black and tan this side of ireland. the bartender was a very nice man who was born to tend bar. they had an old wurlitzer jukebox with 50 carefully selected songs from springsteen to chuck berry. the furniture was classic. they had scrabble. and it was quiet enough for me to sit in the corner and write.

i was a regular.

anyways, i've since moved away, and although nowadays i "pick my spots" for my nights of drinking, i still have it in my head to make it back there every so often, although sadly, not often enough, and down myself a black and tan.

if you have a moment, check out savethebarleycorn.com. they've got photos of the place, a history of how it was built and, if you are so inclined, a petition to sign to help save it. alhtough, from what i'm gathering, the new landlord seems to be as open minded as our president. still, it can't hurt.

do it for me. i rue the day it closes.

dammit. that's two down. i wonder what will be the next bay area landmark that's gonna tear apart from its precious place in my heart?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

We just launched the Jimi Game Shell - a really handy and little, yet secure media carrying case perfect for the portable gamer. It means you won’t lose those pesky media cards down the back of the couch or in the bottom of your bag.

It holds 2 Sony PSP Memory Sticks or 2 SD cards AND 2 Nintendo DS cards. As well as being recycled/recyclable, it’s made sweatshop free, and we invest 1% of its revenue in the environment through 1% For The Planet.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

for $19 less than the price on the ticket, i sat in lower box 113, row 29, purchased from a season ticket holder who decided to use his corporate seats instead. i just so happened to be at the right place at the right time. and those seats got me in the right place for seeing exactly what i hoped to see.

after benitez walked jose reyes, two giants fans in front of me got up, turned around and proceeded to leave while saying, "yep, i've seen this crap before".

a game-winning david wright double later, and they couldn't be any more correct.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

i actually thought jordin sparks singing "to love somebody" and "woman in love" were purely stunning - especially the latter, which they ripped apart. and then when you take in the fact that she's just a 17-year-old...damn.

then again, those songs are already pure masterpieces. but when you actually listen to them, truly listen to them, when they're done by other performers, the genius of barry gibb becomes abundantly clear.

my thoughts after watching the mets get shallacked by the giants, 9-4, on an absolutely gorgeous night in san francisco:

1. you only need to hit a ball 363 out of the 364 feet to left center to be awarded a home run.

2. the largest HD screen in the world is the big scoreboard at sbc park, and it's one of the most impressive things you will ever watch.

3. i don't think carlos beltran has hit a curveball since adam wainwright threw one past him last year. seriously. he hasn't.

4. i can't remember the last time my softball team gave up nine runs in an inning.

5. or gave up three homers in an inning.

6. or made two embarrassing errors like that, back-to-back.

7. when barry zito's got his curveball dealing, there's very few things as pretty to admire in an athletic contest. (okay, i saw zito pitch live a bunch during his cy young year, so this was really just a reminder).

7. i never leave a ballgame early. but if i were to, it would be on a night that bengie molina hits two home runs in one inning.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

$4.5 million a month for a 44-year-old pitcher who needs to be the center of attention and who won't join your team for at least three weeks, and who didn't even average six innings an outing last year?

Friday, May 04, 2007

so it's a pretty damn good sports weekend. so who else can you expect but me to stand on a soapbox from the comfort of my couch and proclaim to the world what i think will happen.

let's start with the biggie.

FLOYD MAYWEATHER vs. OSCAR DE LA HOYA

boxing promoters tend to exaggerate just a tad. i know, shocker, considering that promoting is their job, they need to make money, they love cameras and microphones, they're selling themselves just as much as anything and they are habitual liars.

however, this is indeed the fight of the decade.

you have the best fighter in the world taking on a legendary fighter who's taken on everybody. you have the guy who seems unbeatable taking on the guy who's beaten guys who seemed unbeatable. you have the guy looking for his signature fight against the guy who has made a living off of them.

the only caveat: you have a young mayweather taking on an old de la hoya. a mayweather that's younger and quicker than a sugar shane mosley who beat de la hoya twice. and de la hoya is not as young as the version of him who lost.

mayweather's better. de la hoya's worse. in theory.

still, i think it's gonna be competitive, just because de la hoya always seems to find a way. he really does. he's never been outclassed - even against hopkins, he was losing, but in it.

but i can't see how mayweather loses this. although, like i said, de la hoya always seems to find a way. and it usually comes after a left hook.

mayweather's too quick. he decisions de la hoya.

THE KENTUCKY DERBY

first:

place:

show:

RANGERS v. SABRES

no way the blueshirts lose this game. king henrik won't let them. sean avery won't let them. jaromir won't let them. and the garden won't let them. someone call rick tocchet and book this game as a gimme.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

my dad, a proud vietnam veteran, was asked to give a keynote address in front of the vietnam memorial in washington DC on mother's day. he'll be speaking to the mothers of his brethren who perished in vietnam - those friends and brothers of his, some he knew, others he wished he did. my father being there, alive, a family man, a gigantic success, is a testament to those who sacrificed their lives.

at least that's how my father reads this. it's not about him; it's purely about them.

did i mention that the committee that chose him is run by none other than the esteemed colin powell?

usually, this is the part of my post where i wax poetically about how proud i am of my father. but honesty, i cannot find the words worthy of that honor.

so cherish your time in our nation's capital, soldier. those are your orders.

okay, you're the eventual MVP of the NBA. you are in the midst of being waxed by a team that barely made the playoffs. as they begin a run that has the makings of an embarrassing beatdown. you are faced with an important decision each time you catch the ball. do you:

A. pass it quickly to someone else and make scoring their problem.B. hide in the corner and hope that your teammates don't sees you.C. put up only one shot as your team goes scoreless for over four minutes.

if you're dirk nowitzki, who has the killer instinct of a treehugger, who melts like ice cream in equador, who plays seven feet smaller than his listed height of seven feet, it's all of the above, and you've just rendered your MVP trophy as completely worthless while essentially flushing your legacy down the crapper.

well done, dirk. i'd tell you to enjoy golfing this summer, but you might interpret that as a challenge and refuse to tee off.

by the way, i got really sick of listening to steve kerr defend dirk through the game. "well, look, he always has someone on him." or "he looks of out sync." or "they're doubling him each time he catches the ball." or "they're taking him out of the game". or "i feel bad for all the criticism he's gonna hear". you know what? boo hoo. dirk is four inches taller than their tallest player. he should post up. plant himself somewhere near the basket. force up a shot so devean george doesn't have to shoot it. drive to the hoop. get fouled. call for the ball and take what he wants, and not what the defense gives him.

you know, make something happen. that's what the greats do.

great players make great plays. like baron davis did - on a bum hamstring.

oh, that's right. this is dirk. i forgot.

go warriors. although if houston beats utah, that might be a problem for them.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

in an effort to get past what seems to be a one-third life crisis, i recently splurged and bought myself a nintendo wii.

why? well, it's a helluva lotta fun. it's a serious workout. and it's something i can do that will relax my brain from writing nonstop. you know, something that has nothing to do with anything seems like a thing well worth paying a crapload for.

most importantly, it will be time well wasted, and i'm psyched to have it.

i just finished hooking it up, and i was asked to make my mii, which are animated versions of myself that can be used as characters in certain wii games.

so, needless to say, twenty painstaking and thought provoking minutes later, complete with thorough and rigorous self-examinations and wrought with painful yet honest personal admissions, i present to you one very handsome dude:

a dean in a staten island public school sent a disciplinary letter to some students after a massive food fight in the cafeteria.

but, according to the staten island advance, among the misspellings and typos in his letter to parents are "unexcecpable" for "unacceptable," "activates" for "activities" (twice) and the setting for the food fight: The "caferteria."

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

by the time you read this, you'll probably have also read or watched highlights from the dallas mavericks' improbable comeback against the golden state warriors, outscoring them 15-0 with 3 minutes to go to save their season.

and much will probably be said or written about how eventual NBA MVP dirk nowitzki lead them to this win.

you'll read that because people are idiots.

here's the real breakdown:

nowitzki was nowhere to be seen throughout the entire second half, when his team lost their lead, when they needed him most. before the final three minutes, he shot the ball twice in the second half - when his team was struggling. he was invisible.

still, he came through at the end, scoring 10 of those 15.

but here's the thing of it: he didn't win the game. golden state blew it.

you see, they didn't score in the final three minutes. without that, nowitzki is a player who folds, who disappears, who only shows up when the game is over.

if golden state doesn't stop rotating the ball immediately after baron davis gets trapped, causing the mavs to scramble to find the open man but being one pass behind the play that leads to a wide-open three, you know, doing the things that got them a 9 point lead and a 3-1 series lead, well, dirk's MVP trophy would be worthless right now, and his legacy tarnished.

i guess what i'm saying is that dallas' win had little to do with dirk nowitzki, even though that's all you'll hear.

if golden state continued to attack the hoop instead of milking the clock, if they continued to pass instead of holding for one, if they just kept on playing the way they played for 45 minutes, the stories would be totally different.

i had to take a cab from downtown to home after work because muni screwed me again. i swear, it's the best public transportation company as long as you have nowhere to go.

aaaaaanyways, my driver was a gay german germaphone, which is hilarious to say, much less watch. case in point: he literally sprayed windex on the passenger side window while stopped at a red light as he said, "ewww! ein think that dirt ich outside!".

pure comedy gold.

we were talking about things that piss people off, of which i mentioned muni, and he asked me if it pissed me off when people talked on their cellphone on the bus. of course, herr obvious, it pisses me off. then he told me about the brilliant beauty of a cell phone jammer, which kills all cellphone signals within a radius around you.

and by brilliant beauty, i mean that it is Illegal to operate, manufacture, import, offer for sale, including advertising with fines of up to $11,000 and imprisonment of up to a year.

achkh.

with that random bit of information, i figured it would be a good time to post a bunch of random links for you to enjoy.

you know, the steveohville speakeasy catch-all.

i don't know what's funnier in this classic, the reporter calling one of the most recognizable faces in america "bruce wilson" or how old habits die hard at the end.

if the prices for masterpiece gets any lower, stallone's gonna have to go back to work.