I'm A Celebrity Episodes 1, 2 and 3 Recap

I’m a Celebrity ~ Get Me Outta Here, truly was doomed to fail. John wrote an excellent article outlining all the reasons it just couldn’t make it. I agreed whole-heartedly. Now I have found that I have not missed an episode. I will say, that I haven’t watched a single one “live”. We have used it as a “Crap, there’s not a damn thing on, what have we got taped” show. It’s working great in that capacity.

I also know that Brian has been watching, and have decided to punish him for doing so by roping him in to help me write up recaps every few days to keep the public informed as to just what is happening at “Camp”.

This recap will be the longest one, simply so we can introduce the “Players” Only about half get any airtime though, and explain some of the “games”,so future recaps will be quick.

Maria Conchita Alonso: playing for the US Humane Society, Global Medical Relief Fund and Venezuela Without Boundaries Foundation. I would give you my thoughts on her, except that I don’t have any. She has received next to no airtime. We only get to see her when she is sitting near a featured player.

Tyson Beckford: playing for God's Love We Deliver in New York. Tyson is a minor player in the drama that is “I’m a Celebrity”. He gets more airtime than Maria, but it’s mostly when he is taking his shirt off.

'Downtown" Julie Brown: playing for City Of Hope Cancer Research Center. Even for a woman who is PMSing, Julie is a raving Female Dog. Maybe as time goes by I will learn to see a kinder gentler side of Julie, but where it stands now…. I’m hoping she gets eaten by a croc.

Bruce Jenner: playing for Sierra Canyon School. Bruce is getting face time too. He is the Dad of the group, and has even threatened to treat a few of the other celebrities as though they were his children. I wish he would. They need a good spanking.

Cris Judd: playing for Make-A-Wish Foundation. Ummmm, WHO?? I keep seeing some guy, kind of has a five O’clock shadow going, wears a hat all the time… is that him??

Robin Leach: playing for Keep Memory Alive and City Meals On Wheels in New York. Unfortunately Robin is getting about as much airtime as Tyson, and even more unfortunately, for the same reason… yes, ladies it’s for taking his shirt off.

Melissa Rivers: playing for Make-A-Wish Foundation. My goodness, she is her mothers daughter. She’s received some airtime, but only because she bitches and whines about actually having to work for her food. UHG.

Nikki Schieler Ziering: playing for Special Wish Foundation. Surprisingly I seem to like her a lot. I really don’t need any more cleavage shots (although my co-capper may disagree). She is a girly girl, but I can’t help but like her… weird.

Alana Stewart: playing for Kabbalah Children's Academy and Hollygrove Children & Family Services. She is sharing her airtime with Julie. She’s been in therapy for a hundred years (her words, not mine). She should get her money back.

"Stuttering" John: Playing for Spinal Cord Society. Johns had some airtime, and so far I am enjoying him. He’s scared of everything, but it is somehow endearing on him, whereas it wouldn’t be on Tyson.

OK, so there we have the celebrities, if we can call them that. My daughter doesn’t even recognize Tyson.

These 10 “stars” are brought together and made to hike to what will be their new home for the next two weeks. Robin almost has a heart attack, and is scaring the other stars. He informs us that walking an hour a day on his treadmill didn’t prepare him for this. Well, honestly, it could have helped if he hadn’t been eating éclairs while he worked out.

They arrive at camp and are shocked to see that there’s no Hilton. Not even a Red Roof Inn. Not even a Tent. There are however cots, pillows, sleeping bags, blankets, pots, pans, a toilet…. And Survivor tried to sue?? Yeah, this is NOTHING like survivor people. The stars however are freaking out. Alana calls her sleeping bag a “green thing with the red thing” and needs instructions on how to get in…. oh, how fun will this be for her?

They are given Rice AND beans as rations, and have to compete in what is being called a Bush something or other trial. This is only for one star, and that person can win up to a meal per person. For all but the first episode the public gets to vote via toll free number for who they would like to see perform the task. Since there was no way to have people call prior to the first show, Melissa Rivers volunteers to do it. She needs to put on some clear plastic “Clown Shorts” then proceed to fill them with ten containers of… well… stuff… one has rats, one has maggots, one has larvae of some sort… you get the picture. All have a small golden “star”. For every container she dumps in her pants, (the “star” must be in there too) she earns a meal for the camp. She does it, but boy-oh-boy does she bitch the whole time. She bitches to the host, she bitches to the camera, she bitches to the campers. She has realized that the celebs are there to be humiliated. They are pawns in some sadistic mans game… we, however, love it.

The next celebrity to go is Stuttering John. He is afraid of heights, and afraid of bugs. His trial contains both. His job is to climb a chain ladder. Every few feet he will come to a large glass container. In each container are 2 of the golden “stars” and some sort of animal. The one has spiders, one, biting flies, and again, you get the picture. John gets through 3 of the bowls screaming the entire time. He earns six meals for camp. In his defense he was timed. I think he would have done them all, if he’d had time. I also think he is scarred for life.

Back at camp things are not going well for Alana and Julie. They hate each other and go out of the way to get on each other’s nerves. Julie is a bitch, and Alana is patronizing. It is actually fun to watch the other celebrities wide eyed and actually worried, that they may fight. Bruce and Tyson suggest the two of them forget everything. Alana has had enough therapy to know that won’t work. She wants to talk about everything. The fact that Yes, she peed in the dirt, but it wasn’t THAT close to where they wash their hands, and Yes, she came back to camp to complain about the fact that Julie was cleaning the bathroom, but obviously the campers had a right to know how much this bothered Alana. Julie just wants to kick Alana’s ass. She even did that right-down-close-to-the-ear-so-only-you-can-hear threat of “call me anything else and I’ll kick your ass” to which Alana replies: “She threatened me!”

OK, I’m making Alana sound worse than she was… the fact is she HAD to pee, but Julie wouldn’t let her and caught attitude about it. Julie also brought up the “peeing in the dirt” incident in front of the whole camp (after talking about it individually with many), instead of just talking to Alana. Alana also, didn’t only say that she’d be threatened, she also said she was ready to beat the hell out of Julie right here in camp!

WOO HOO. They both bug me. I say clear an area, and let them at it. Come on Bruce, that’s what any good father would do… right?

Next we get results of the phone in poll. The public wants to see Nikki in the Alligator pit, trying to get meals for the campers. She goes to the pit with the host. She is wearing clothes… this is important to me… He shows her the alligators. 2 large ones and three smaller ones, that could easily “take a finger”. You can not see into the water as it is way to murky. Nikki has to dig in the muck at the bottom of the pit and look for large “silver stars”. The area that each star is buried is marked with a buoy, so it shouldn’t be hard to find them… yeah right. Our host then points out the “handlers” that are there to help, and the one other handler who is there with a tranquilizer gun. Take the journey with me people… a TRANQUILIZER gun… to what? Slow down the alligator as it eats her? Nikki is then asked to “suit up”. Remember how she was wearing clothes? I am expecting to see her SUIT UP into some kind of chain link looking metal protective gear. She suits up into a bikini. OK.

She really does try her best, and truth be told, gives it a better try than I would have. Clear water? Maybe. Murky swamp water where you can’t see? Nope. Rice and beans are fine. Nikki digs and digs under one of the buoys, but comes up empty handed. The producers give her one meal anyway. I think she deserved it.

The campers then get a chance to win tea bags, hot chocolate, and sugar by answering a question: Which plastic surgery procedure do more men have? A) Hair transplants B) Breast reduction. All the guys say Hair transplant. (I assume all the guys do, I still haven’t seen or heard from Chris). Alana swears up and down that she KNOWS it’s breast reduction. The camp goes with Hair and wins the supplies. Alana says Thank God!

Next we find out that the public either loves or hates Nikki, I’m not sure. She has “won” the vote again, and this time she gets to climb down into a pit and be… well it looks kind of like she’s just put in there and is covered up to sit in the dark? Could that be all? I doubt it.

We also had the chance to vote on who we would like to see “Bob for Stars”, a game that has the “winner” sticking their head into a box to “bob” for a star in order to win meals… of course, their faces will be sharing the box with all sorts of interesting critters. I swear it looked like a sloth in one of them!

Brian and I will be back in a few days to catch you up again. Until then, try not to picture Robin without his shirt on.