A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what had happened.

The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman in church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.

The boss asked: “So where did you get the other shiner?”

The man said: “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

Silent fart

A man walks into the doctor’s office with a serious problem.

“Doctor, I’ve had problems with silent farts. I’ve done three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?”

The doctor replies: “The first thing we’re going to do is check your hearing.”