Think about a time in your past, whether recent or distant, in which you did things or behaved in such a way that you are ashamed of yourself. Now, do you ever stop and think about that time period and grieve that you wasted that time being that way?

When I was 22 and 23, I made some very costly mistakes and sinned some big sins. The ramifications of my actions were enormous. I screwed up royally. I was such a weak blob of jelly back then, and that is what contributed to most of my behavior.

Sometimes I look back to that time 17 years ago with deep regret and sorrow. I know I'm forgiven, but it still gets to me. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, oooweeeee, it gets me.

Usually ever night, before bed, I tend to think of how I would've done things differently. Not a happy way to end the day, as I usually end up slapping my forehead many times.

Even scarier is during the day, I could be doing whatever activity, and then randomly something I'm ashamed of in the past (which is usually completely unrelated to the activity I was doing at the time) will pop up and trouble me.

I guess I have a hard time of letting things go. I tend to pick at scabs, both emotional and physical.

A handful of things when it is somebody I care about and different actions of mine could have had different consequences.
When I could have been more caring. So there are some things that haunt me.

Other than that a few uncomfortable twinges now and again. I don't dwell on the past very much. It took a long time to work out my guilt feelings. I monitor my behavior so I'm aware of it and its consequences and I will try to undo any damage I've done. But on a whole, I don't find guilt very productive except as a learning tool. Other than some character flaws, I don't carry any shame or guilt for anything I did that didn't harm anybody else.

I'm usually sorrier for the things I haven't done than the things I have.

Usually ever night, before bed, I tend to think of how I would've done things differently. Not a happy way to end the day, as I usually end up slapping my forehead many times.

Even scarier is during the day, I could be doing whatever activity, and then randomly something I'm ashamed of in the past (which is usually completely unrelated to the activity I was doing at the time) will pop up and trouble me.

I can totally relate to this. I do exactly the same thing! It's awful, isn't it?

Yes, but the best thing to do is to turn that grief and regret into something positive-learn from mistakes and become a better person because of them. The only reason to truly grieve is if you are completely lacking in self-awareness and haven't learned anything from mistakes. And when we hurt others, we should do our best to make amends.

Originally posted by redhotswami
Even scarier is during the day, I could be doing whatever activity, and then randomly something I'm ashamed of in the past (which is usually completely unrelated to the activity I was doing at the time) will pop up and trouble me.

you know what's weird? the big mistakes i've made in my life, i don't grieve over. i also tend to agonize over every major decision, and thoroughly think things through, so that when all is said and done, even if it turns out to have been the wrong decision, i know exactly why i made that decision and can point to specific rationale as justification.

however, it's the little things that i agonize over. a thoughtless comment, some social malapropism, unwitting rudeness, or thinking back to childhood when perhaps you did things out of fear of social ostracism that you now regret. it's all emotional stuff that kills me, not the life decisions that seem to have more to do with intellect and reason.

but that's just me.

but, yes, i do know the agony, and i do know the sleepless nights wishing you could go back and change things. and sometimes you can. you can apologize, but more importantly, you can atone.

it was, hands down, one of the very best books i've read in the past 5 years, and it gets at much of what you're talking about. it's gorgeously written, i actually cried at the end of it, and it's important to note that the title of the book isn't Apology but Atonement.

Originally posted by Irvine511 however, it's the little things that i agonize over. a thoughtless comment, some social malapropism, unwitting rudeness, or thinking back to childhood when perhaps you did things out of fear of social ostracism that you now regret.

I can relate to that, also. When I was a child I yelled at someone "you're ugly". I regret that to this day.

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Originally posted by Irvine511 but, yes, i do know the agony, and i do know the sleepless nights wishing you could go back and change things. and sometimes you can. you can apologize, but more importantly, you can atone.

The situation I was involved in was very complicated. The main other party initially did hurtful things to me, but I am every bit as much to blame as her, because were it not for my own weakness and immaturity, I never would have been in the situation in the first place. And once I was in the situation, my own weakness, stupidity, selfishness and immaturity had me responding in ways that amplified the horrible ramifications. Things got so much worse.

She hated my guts at one point, and probably still does. I don't even know where this person lives anymore. I definitely don't want her back in my life, either. But I hope she has changed, as I have, and realizes that I never intended to hurt anyone.

The other main person involved in all of this passed on and is now with God. I know that person would forgive me.

But more people were hurt by this thing. As for them, time has healed those wounds and all is forgiven.

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Originally posted by Irvine511
80s, have you ever read Atonement by Ian McEwen?

it was, hands down, one of the very best books i've read in the past 5 years, and it gets at much of what you're talking about. it's gorgeously written, i actually cried at the end of it, and it's important to note that the title of the book isn't Apology but Atonement.

i found it an astonishing read.

I have never heard of it, but it certainly sounds good, from the review I read. I may go check it out. Thanks for the recommendation.

On a personal note, I just wanted to say that I am much happier with FYM this time around than I was before I left. I think most of that is because you and I aren't having a war. I like these kinds of conversations better.

I'm not ashamed of my past, per se, because what's missing was sort of out of my control, but yes there is one thing I regret every single day of my life. I love gymnastics more than anything (well, not certain people, but you know what I mean). I miss training like I did in high school and everyday I wish I could've got off to a better start because I would've gone so much farther. My parents could never afford for us to play sports unless it was free at the rec department so I didn't start until I could pay for my own classes. I know it sounds dumb, but everyday I miss tumbling and even miss the torn skin and bloody hands against the bars, falling on my ass, doing 500 sit-ups...... For years it was all I cared about because it's so easy to love a sport because it can never hurt you or be dishonest, it's just YOU and your own weak mind and weak self. Since college, I've entered reality and have better relationships, but shit I would probably go back if I could...I miss being able to FLY!