Went way off the deep end, yesterday. Okay, maybe not as off as most would say. I didn’t binge (I havent in quite some time) but I did a lot of snacking. Mostly because my throat was Itchy and Tracy’s pita chips helped to mangle it enough to satisfy me. Then the bowls of spaghetti, a few vanilla wafers…eh. I’m sure I didn’t tip 2,000 calories by any means. But not good for weight loss efforts. But eh. I did okay today.

I made shrimp fajitas on flat out bread. Shit was GOOD. OMFG. Anyhow, last two completed days of tracking had me go over a few points on fat. These 2 days mark the first in a while I have done such a thing. I over did my protein and under-did my carbs as usual, by the by. And I am not working out due to being sick as I dont wanna pass out.

I must commend myself for one thing, though. thanksgiving didn’t toss me off plan. I am back on track though I never fully fell off. I suppose this small unconfirmed weight gain counts as a scare. Alright, good enough for me.

Stepped on the scale: 297.8. Wut. Yeah, just got done having a freak out and wanting to give up until I realized a few things.

Our scale still sucks.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.

Probably carrying waterweight from having soda for the first time in months.

On period. (Heavy flow)

So…gotta calm down. There are just too many factors hanging about to let me start moping over this when there’s a 75% chance the number is bullshit both scale and body-wise. But oh boy, my heart is in my throat. Good news is: Have to restart 21 day Sparkpeople challenge, so thats something to do. Lots of bellydancing to go for. I’m working out every day this week. Too frazzled.

Please let it become a habit.

Good news: IT SNOWED YESTERDAY! It is very abnormal for it to snow in Kentucky before a few flakes in December, and it snowed on Thanksgiving!? Yeah, it was like HUGE flakes too! We all stood outside trying to catch the snow in our mouths. Yes, us mid to late twenty-somethings are this retarded. Haha. It was like a sign for an Atheist. Pongo, the god of gravity (lol) chose to smile down on me and remind me about goals, Colorado, etc. Snow in November! CLEARLY IT WAS MEANT FOR ME AND ME ALONE SHUT UP EVERYONE ELSE.

It melted pretty fast after leaving a decent little covering. But it made me so stupidly happy to see it coming down. :3

Sorry for no log yesterday. Slight fuck ups. Had Subway and it pwned me at about 748 calories. Just a cold cut combo on flat bread with provolone, mustard and lite mayo. :/ And to think this place is supposed to be the least evil edition of “fast food”, right? oh well. I clocked in at around 1400 calories, which would have been 1300 if I hadn’t given into a sinful pull of Tom’s grapefruit “Jarritos” and two pieces of caramel candy on a whim. But hey! I worked out a little. Go me, but momma always told me there would be days like this.

Anyway. Back to my dreams. I spent most of last night/early this morning entertaining my lifelong dream of living some place snowy. Snowiest cities in US are in dreamy Colorado and I even looked up places in the apartment guide. Seems if I saved $5,556 to $,7000 I could pay rent in advance to one of these places and move there for a year or so. Or permanently if I so choose to. I mean, I want this. I think maybe it will be a post weight loss reward for me. But so much holds it back, such as: I am poor. :/ I don’t want to leave my friends, at least not for too long. So many visits would need to be planned. Honestly, Mer seems more invested in being a recluse and Deagle these days, anyway…though let me be fair, it seems her resolve to do so is slipping. And Eddie can come stay with me some times in Colorado and so could Tracy.OH. And I’m fat. Sorry, but I aint going anywhere until I am a normal weight. Just…no. Lastly, I wanted to save up a cool $800 a month some time soon to get loose skin removed when I hit goal. So many things need to go down for this too happen: Either, I need to do more glassblowing. Maybe ask Eric if I can come in for 2 $100 days a week at the shop while maintaining the pages for Janus at $150 to keep my rent and food together. Or, I need to get on this tattooing thing STAT. Or try to. I seriously feel like they wont look twice at me due to weight and race. Which sucks. I am a decent artist enough to do this and Rodney knows it. But….Natalie from Twisted is a big girl too. But she DOES do piercing. Hunh. I just don’t know.

I see many roads to possibility-land with lots of potential and great difficulty. And I am not sure which way to go. I could agree to go to Asheville with Deviantglass next year, work on getting that apprenticeship next to their shop for tattooing (wishful thinking, considering the time I’ve had finding it here) and -then- worry about Colorado and surgery or I could focus more on getting an apprenticeship here, blow glass and save up for surgery, say ‘fuck Asheville’, and just see what happens. if Dustin will be running the shop here, I could still blow. It all depends. Ugh….I wish I knew the future.

Anyway, this makes it clear there are three things I must plan for and fight for. Weight loss and full body lift. Tattooing. Colorado. …Preferably Fort Collins or Lakewood. Yes, I’m a freakazoid as my idea of paradise involves lots of snow. Lulz.

Breakfast:
Ate the 2 pitas and cream cheese. Might have messed up on the
measurement a tiny bit. I should really find a way to accurately
weigh my sauces and spreads without having to finger things out of
the tablespoon measure.

How I felt:
At first like this would be a big enough breakfast to get me by a
couple of hours. After; stressed, cheated and anxious. Thanks stress.
/7:00pm

Snack:
Ate two (2!) servings of Genisoy crisps because the pita and cheese
apparently weren’t enough. I don’t know if its emotional or if I am
mistaking dehydration for hunger, though I did drink a cup of water
with my odd breakfast. Anyway, I feel slightly guilty about that. I
think its just food panic along with more monetary panic. Got to do
something about upcoming rent. I have forgone the apple and tea until
tonight.

How I felt:
Relieved. Managed not to finish the sour cream. At about half of it.
I dont feel so on edge anymore, and perhaps I should work out or draw
to relieve the anxiety. Maybe I need Zoloft. Sick of laying in this
bed. I think too much of this is effecting my mindset, motivation,
compulsive eating, etc. But there isnt much else to do and I cant
stand the sight of HIM. Still, I am sad and disgusted. But when he
leaves, we will be belly dancing! 9:00pm

Lunch:
Changed to chow mei fun with veggies instead of a salad. When I don’t
eat enough in one sitting the beast comes out. So I’d better flog it.
Going to be a little high on the carbs today…or will I? The brown
rice vermicilli (doing healthy, complex carbs all day at least!
Except for the apple I may have before bed) should be my last
bread/pasta carb aside from vegetables and tomatoes for next meal.

How I felt:
I ate it a bit fast, but it was very good! Good to know I dont need
meat for the rice noodles and asian dishes to taste palatable. I
really need to slow down on the noms, though. Its a typical bad habit
for me. Just WHOOSH, food gone. But it was a decent serving size and
I feel all right. Now I have to work up the courage to work out
around 3 am and make my dinner around 4-5. 2:00am

Dinner:
Spicy shrimp linguine from Sparrecipes. Used no cornmeal, but used
the butter. Substituted House tofu shirataki in place of regular
pasta. Experience was MUCH BETTER THIS TIME. I dont even wanna think
about how I over parboiled the fettucini ones. Just…blegh. But this
time around? Good stuff. Had one shrimp over the serving size, but
eh. Came out right tasty.

How I felt:
Good. I feel good about today’s foods and I need to square up my
water and remaining calories later with an apple and some tea.

End day: Didnt work out, do it
tomorrow. Jaysus, but I did walk. Did not eat the Miso soup. Dont
need it and its a bit too warm for it. Somehow I managed to plot my
food almost subconsciously within my calorie intake. Yey. 1208
calories total. 7.5 cups water A+

I mean, if a comment is left that says “HOW INFORMATIVE. WOULD YOU LIKE A GUCCI BAG?” or “Check out our teenaged girls”…why would I accept the comment? Or perhaps from that “Karie Maxell” bitch. Bored? Go flick your fucking bean and let the adults continue to do grown-up things. And you can tell the spam isn’t made by bots since its just the right kind of Engrish that lets you know it’s some poor sod in South Asia putting up the bullshit comments.

Just…the fuck, man. Thank goodness I can moderate the comments. But they all seem to fall in my lap TODAY. I’m on my 9th stupid piece of crap email to moderate. Bit of a hassle!

Says 292-295. So I’m gonna go with the average between aaaaall of these wacky numbers and say I am at 293.

I suppose that’s the best I can do, lol. Anyway, I know this may seem illogical, but I am not happy about this loss. Only because I dont *know* if it’s true by any means and that scares me, and I also feel like I’m losing steam. I’ve been forgetting not to put shit things in my body or two much wine here and there for the past week and I imagine thats why I can’t give the usual YAAAY about a possible 3 pound loss. Anyone else would be elated, but I feel like a fraud. A very unsure fraud. Honestly, I may just go ahead and say it’s at 295 just to round up in case I dont want to disappoint myself.

URF, WHAT DO I DO.

Oh well, I have it listed as 293 on SparkPeople, so we’ll go with that. Eating today hasn’t been hard. I’m in the 1100-1200 range, easy. And I allowed myself a small, offered brownie because I realized that I was dieting without wanting to diet: as in depriving myself. That doesn’t work for me as mentioned prior as I go crazy hunting for the stuff I told myself I couldn’t have. So moderation really -is- key for sugar, wine, etc. I still plan on keeping clear of as much processed food as I can manage, though. This alone is hard.

I have to drink more water tonight, too. Slipping on the agua as well! God, get it together Leslie…

Tomorrow is my weigh in aaand I am a little apprehensive. I dont know if its reasonable, but lets see: I drank wine this week, ate candy, had a fuck up day on Wednesday night and haven’t drank enough water. BUT, worked out 3 times, took walks and at least stayed -somewhere- in my calorie range even if I ate crap things.

So I predict that I:

Gained 1-2 pounds.

Lost 1 pound at best.

If it turns out I lost? I’ll eat my shirt, I swear. …No, actually I don’t swear as who knows how many calories are in the fruit of the loom LOL LOL LOL lame jokes. I make them.

By the way I realize some of these get a bit ubiquitous, just realize it’s my brain vomit to put it nicely. Just trying to keep myself accountable butyouknowhowitis. Anyhow….again.

Guess who went over on the proteeeein? That’d be me. Meaty hijinks again. I’m practically on the Atkins diet without realizing it! But, new shit: today I got too much fat. :/ That I am not happy about while I can work on the protein thing. Gotta remember I didn’t pick up all that frozen fruit for naught. Tomorrow, I shall revisit these fruits in the forms of nanners, berries and all that in a big phat smoothie or slush…thing. As today I went a bit low on the carbs. (75) and I suppose getting some more from fruits and vegetables is okay since my tortillas and flatbreads are whole wheat/low carb. Couldnt hurt. A full meal, drinkable or otherwise without meat in it shouldnt be a hard habit to get into!

I clocked in at abooout 1,233 calories. Getting back into the consistency groove. Had a few days over 1,300 recently that I am not all that happy about. Good news: Got me a big ass shipment of Shirataki noodles in the mail. Mmmh, yes!

And can I be honest…? First experience with the tofu infused brand endorsed by Hungry Girl? BLEGH. UGH. OH GOD IT WAS LIKE EATING TAPEWORMS. I really hope I just boiled them too long because they were fucking FOUL. The -literal- taste was fine but they just did not have enough elasticity for me to get behind the fuckers. And here I thought my diet-version shrimp alfredo had turned out peachy keen! But nooooo. FUCKING NOODLES! RUIN MY FUN!!

Moving on. I haven’t gotten enough water today and probably wont. Still working on the rest of my Smart water bottle of doom which is a good 4 glasses total. I’ve been neglecting the aqua. Not cool. Possibly why I have been snacking a little more…also not cool.