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Ugly

Earlier this year I spoke at a conference. I talked about gratitude, grace and joy. I was fully immersed in it and felt it down to my toes.

Then life got turned upside down and busy and somehow I forgot everything.

The last month or so has been a mess. I hate the rush of summer and the vortex that results and sucks up every minute and shreds my plans. I have let it consume me. I have been wallowing in self pity.

It all bubbled up and exploded last week when I threw a tantrum and in an attempt to keep from yelling I kicked the wall. My house that I love, that I built with my hands, that I poured myself into; I kicked it and put a hole in the wall and injured my foot.

It was stupid. The tantrum was stupid. I feel stupid.

But even more than that, I am angry at myself. I am angry that I allowed myself to get to the point that I would act that way.

I wasn't being grateful, I wasn't practicing grace and I certainly was no where near feeling joy.

I wanted my children and my husband to know how much I was sacrificing, how much work I was doing on these long summer days. I wanted them to applaud me and praise all my wondrous virtues.

I was acting like I deserved better and I wanted all of them to know it. I let self doubt, anger, and pity consume all the good thoughts and watched as they spewed out a self righteous pity party. It was ugly.

Then I kicked the hole in the wall.

Now every day I am reminded by that broken hole in the wall, that I am in need of repair. I am reminded each morning when I step out of bed and cannot fully bear my own weight on my injured foot; how destructive anger is.

I have a choice to make. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself for another three months as summer rolls on or I can get up and make the best of it.

I can swallow my pride and remind myself that I am not the only one putting in long hours. We all are. The long days of Summer can either be extra hours of suffering or extra hours of joy. That choice rests solely in my hands.

No one else can make me enjoy this season. It is entirely up to me.

It is an issue of perspective. When I let negative thoughts take over, they settle into my mind and seep into my bones. I become exhausted and weary.

But when I make an effort to look for the positive, to seek it out, it is there. I just have to try.

Maybe Summer is your favorite. Maybe you are doing just fine, excelling actually, in this season. Then just tuck this in your back pocket. You might need it later.

Because just when we think we have things figured out, when life seems to glide by, that is when the rug tends to get ripped out from under us. We are swimming along and things seem good and yes the water is getting a little rough, but it's nothing you can't handle. Then before you know it, you are flailing and gasping for air, and have no idea how you got so far from where you started.

At least that is where I find myself today.

So I am resetting. I have made apologies. It hasn't fixed everything, because ugly tends to leave a mark that burns for quite sometime. But thankfully the people who love me, know my heart, and they know I am trying. They know I am imperfect and I have never claimed to be anything but flawed.

I hope you surround yourself with people who love you, who lift you up, who expect you to be better. It hasn't been easy being confronted with my own ugly side. And let me tell you, I did not take it well when my better half pointed out how selfishly I had been behaving. But time does wonders to cool off and heal the sting.

Swallowing pride is a hard thing to do, but the weight that is lifted when I turned it all over to God instead of carrying it myself is unmistakable. I can feel the shift already.

I will begin looking for gratitude in the daily tasks, and practicing grace when I mess up and with any luck, I will find joy hidden in there somewhere, because I know it is there, just waiting for me to look.

Comments

MaKaela, I once felt this way, and only time heals, as you so eloquently pointed out! I too, needed praise from loved ones. I needed to hear it out loud, even though I knew my family was happy with, and proud of, me. Then I read a book called "Father Melancholy's Daughter" and ONE phrase in there stuck: it was the "grace of daily obligation". For some reason that phrase resonated with me and the way I felt. We all usually ....usually go through our days with grace for the blessings of our families and the obligations that come with that. But.....once in a while 'selfish' festers up and we blow up in a ball of steam! I hope someone learns from your very unselfish posting of what happens to us all. You are well loved and we are happy to be in your life! Hang in there, with grace for your daily obligations! I know you will flourish!

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I am a creative, a dreamer and an encourager. I am married to a hard working farmer and am a Mom to four perfectly wild, loud, tiny humans with vastly different personalities. I have a heart for cooking, home improvement projects, old houses and encouraging people. I am honest and imperfect and very glad you are here!