Sunday, April 15, 2018

My dad doesn't know how to flush the toilet

It's about 20 minutes after lunch, and my parents want some coffee. They're visiting me in the city and would rather - or, I would rather - go out for some than make it at my place. Three hours in a small, enclosed space, and it's time to get some fresh air.

Before heading out, my father tells my mother and me he has to go to the bathroom. Fine. It shouldn't have to be an announcement, but with him, it usually is.

While my mother and I wait, we can hear muffled words from the bathroom.

"What is your father saying?" my mother asks.

"Wait. Did he not shut the door to the bathroom?" I say aloud to no one.

"Did you shut the door to the bathroom?" my mother yells upstairs.

"Why would I shut the door to the bathroom?" I can hear my father bellow from above.

"Just watch," I tell my mother, "he probably didn't even turn on the fan." He has a habit of not turning it on because it wastes electricity. "Could you at least turn on the fan?"

"Why? We're all in the same family," my father says. I'm not sure if he's disgusted by the thought or insulted. I, on the other hand, am both.

My mother and I hear the toilet flush and think he's done. Then, we wait a few minutes. And a few more minutes. The water is still running. I start to worry. God forbid there's an overflow issue. Reflecting on personal history, it's happened to my mother two times when she visited (not because of her, but of the internal mechanism malfunctioning).

I start to walk up the stairs. "Dad, what are you doing? Why is the water still running?" I can hear the filling of the tank.

"Ugh, your toilet doesn't work." I can see my dad leaning in front of the toilet with his hands on his hips.

"What did you do?" What I really mean is how much did he do. Peeking into the bowl, there's nothing in there but some toilet paper.

"It doesn't flush."

"Of course it flushes."

"No, it just swirls." He'd been pulling on the mechanism for at least two minutes.

"It's these low-flush toilets," I point to the toilet. "They don't have that woosh that older toilets have. And because I'm on a lower floor, I don't have gravity to help push things down."