Sunday, August 31, 2003

this is stupid, the things you exactly do NOT want to think about anymore for the rest of your life, or those things what you do not wish to think about for the time being even only, come chasing up with you like a rabid (hungry) dog thinking that you're meat (metaphor), the hell

my friend says that i'm running away from the thing and all that, and that God wants me to settle this thing, but am i?! or what?!

wtf, why?!?!?!! i'm sorry for the language, but if you want to know what i'm really thinking, no holding back, yes, i'm cursing alright

somebody tranquilise me or something, i shouldn't be getting so worked up over this whole damned thing anyway

Friday, August 29, 2003

Another "normal" day for me? But over these days, it's actually been quite heartwarming to see the people responding to the posts recently? Yeah, though I've yet to figure out what on earth exactly's happening, but, well can say am down but not out!

Don't know whether this is the right channel/place to say this, but thanks to you all! And to those who "volunteered" in a way to help too =)

Thank God for my room mate too, hehe, he's been a great encouragement for me to study too lol, but I sure hope I'll be used to help him too man

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Congrats to me man, I've managed to make another of my friends angry today!

Wah kaoz, think I've been treating the people around me badly too these days too, dunno y either, jus comes to me like that, then I realise it after that?

Grrr...what on earth's wrong with me? Have been thinking about things on my way back to campus, and a thought came to me amidst all the crap again: How can I expect people to be "real" to me, if I don't even (dare or bother to) open up to others?

Gosh...If only I were to be able to find somepoint to start? God!!!!!!

So many things happened today, did the survey, went out, blah blah blah...but also a day of a lot (too many even perhaps) of thinking...so many things hitting me at the same time, words can't even begin to describe how terrible I felt in the evening, but not sad, but TERRIBLE. Seems that today, a lot of things have come catching up with me, either that, or I'm under attack (...)

Was so bad...almost cried for no reason whatsoever when I was going to campus just now, gosh that've been idiotic man, and thank God that I wasn't coming with my friend, so weird...but in the midst of it, I really was comforted by Him, when I called upon Him, yeah, then, that spawned another chain of thoughts: I don't know whether it's good or bad, that I really have no one to turn to at these kinda moments except for God? Not that I don't have anyone to turn to really, but it's just that I don't really feel close enough with ANYONE to call just at that moment to...be comforted too? Yeah...man...this is stupid, but who can I trust/have the "priveledge" (if you'd call that) to do so to?

Was stoning for a while during our fellowship today, cos the rest of the guys ended up reading magazines/material and it became almost girls' talk with only the girls talking, and mind drifted off for a while, was thinking of one of my friend, about how wise (life experiences and wisdom) she is (or has become?) now, but I shudder at the idea of how much suffering she had to go through through bad mistakes perhaps? I know even mine seem little to what she had gone through if what I know about her is true, and I can't already take it liao the aftereffects so-called? But how...how to actually give all of these up? I want to focus my energies on Him at the moment? And studies too, so that prob I'll be available for His use in the future too, but these past hurts, they come back still time and again...darn

I want to find the REAL group of friends, the group that I truly can rely on, and serve too at the same time yeah? But where are they? And finding the one for me yeah, but hell, I think I've a whole long way to mature before I can even consider myself ready for such a relationship too again

Was watching part of a drama serial on Channel U before I left my house, and the short story during then was so stupid, but real in the secular world? Or even ours! Two different couples, one going to get married, the guy's a cheat, and the other one, they're married, but the woman's having an affair outside. And then blah blah blah later, the woman with the affair gets caught in the middle of it, and she says "I don't know what to say...I'm confused". Two couples, inappropiate AND insufficient espression of feelings and thoughts. Both cases one gets distracted from a PROPER relationship...made me so angry...don't even know why I was angry at watching such a thing, but I was

And the best part of it all? My mum had been quite sick during the week, am darned worried for her, but don't know what to do other than pray for her and tell her to see the doc. Stupid...

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Had a relaxed day today, finished most of my lab questions for tml liao, lol, feels really good to be able to do it lor

Had my band prac in church this evening too, and somehow, got a lift back from church all the way back to hostel! again! and this time the family even dropped by bishan so that i can get something to eat along the way back! God's great i tell you, i can't even imagine myself being subjected to such blessings, but yet they come...wah kaoz

Monday, August 18, 2003

So many things happened today (sunday), gosh, can't put all in words lor...but had been a wonderful day man
=)

Another testament of my mum's love (yeah), she just unhesitatingly lets me pay 500 odd bux for a new lcd monitor? Yeah, (I'm now using it =) and just because I've decided that I don't NEED (nor want) the laptop loan, and that I need more space on my desktop desperately, else no space to do my work, so there it is! Hwah....and then my bro's nice enough to send me from sim lim all the way to campus lor, even though I know that he was inconvenienced by this? Yeah...so touched....

Then, also very excited abt the weeks to come, got a needs survey that we're gonna conduct in the area that my church wanna bless, yeah, so cool! =)

Saturday, August 16, 2003

John 3:18
Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.

The people who needs to be saved before they go? Yeah...

Had a birthday celebration for Alex today. Could really tell that he's a really nice guy? Yeah...he kept saying no need for all those presents but could tell that he really appreciated the company lor =) Those around him must be really blessed to know such a person man lol...though I still hope that he'd drive a little safer? Yeah...happened to get a ride from him before dinner? And though I sat in the back seat this time, still feel scared like mad lor...gosh, I wonder how the girls tahan that? Don't tel me they really are used to it???

Along the way back to ntu myself, have come to realise that even though I still like to be alone at times, really quite relaxing, but still would like to mingle with people too lor...haha...identity crisis? duh

Anyways finished my programming lab in a few hrs only! hehe...5 qns ok! Felt so satisfied after debugging and getting the thing to work after those hours! Now for the report! Hope I don't die from this... =|

Friday, August 15, 2003

Am feeling so tired now...even though I did almost nothing much today?

Realised that I'm starting to shut myself out from others? Yeah, today was with a friend of mine, and even though I believe he tries to get to know me better, and to get guidance from me and all that, but have been VERY unresponsive? Yeah...feel really sorry for the way I acted today, but just don't know why felt so sucky today

Went to a friend's dad's wake today...glad for them and the family that he at least accepted Christ before he passed away, but seeing such things only remind me of other things too...crap

Had a great weekend, come to think of it, now that my computer's in my room, having no compter whatsoever at home over the weekend's actually quite refreshing leh...can do own things...no distraction, from the outside world (unless you go out lah!), though it's irritating when you have to check out edventure urgently for any news..yeah, then have to use my bro's laptop (which is obscenely slow man..I'd volunteer to help him check things out, that is if he doesn't mind? Hmmm...) to check...aiyah! During those times I wished I had a laptop, then no need to keep asking (and waiting), but on second thought....it'd mean trading this "freedom" too huh? At least until I can learn to control myself! haha..

Thank God really for this morning' tutorials...yeah...cos 1) I understand more abt my integration, and 2) One big blow to the issue of (personal) pride! Yeah! Though it didn't feel good, but yeah...I know that there're things that I'm (too) proud of, though I may not even show at times? *thankful*

At times, I'm reminded of how much my mum loves me, and how much (more) God loves us all...but I sometimes am unable to respond appropiately to either one's actions...esp when I'm feeling irritated or tired? Then during weekends would like not talk much to my mum though she wishes to talk? Aiyah.........................

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

I'm sooooo disgusted!
Can't believe people can actually go join an eca just purely for 5 points without the slightest intention of even participating!!! Nevermind the fact that they're going for the rally to help vote for the main comm, but joining just to get points is absolutely disgusting!!! Gosh, they really ruin the club for those who're really genuinely interested and want to make it a better place =(

$#%@$^%$@!

Anyway I didn't go join in the end, but really regretted not going for the hall rally in the first place, by the time I went, at 1 hr gone liao, but it's good to see people wanting to serve, at least they have the heart for it, now let's hope that whoever gets elected, acts according to how he says he/she feels man

Anyways had tutorial mainly today, and thank God for it amn, else would've died liao, second tutorial for electronics and dunno how to do at all in the beginning hahaha =X

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Oh yeah, also, had this thing where we were supposed to write notes of encouragement to each other in the cell group? Then we were supposed to try to paste it on each others' (the receipients) backs, while trying to make sure that people don't stick any on you (hehe...dun ask me, ask the gamemaster, she thought of THAT), well, there was this note that was really written properly lor...hehe quite touched by that note...

Had the first CG meeting today, really had a great time fellowship'ing with the rest of the CG, even though we only had games, and a time of trying to get to know one another (by telling a truth and a lie about yourself!! But I think I sucked at it, think I REALYL stutterred during my turn haha...cmi ah), but I really enjoyed their company, really! =)

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Went out with the CFers again today, was the only freshie there (again), so thank God that the freshie didn't kena tekan'ed or anything haha. But seriously, got to know a lot of them better, so really thank God for those, hope that will get to grow with these people too in my four yrs in here? But thing is that really feel at home with this group lor, think they're really hospitable? Have a LOT to learn for them too though along the way =)

Went for supper with Alex and Grace too, at Geylang! Hahaha...so cool, so long never go liao, then end up go with them. Alex's really a funny (and nice) person too, imagine, he sent us ALL the way back lor... But he sure drives FAST man, didn't realise it, but when I dropped off at my place there? Had my feet stepping against the board in front of me to cushion against the lots of accelerating and brakings, not to mention the turnings! Haha...think very long never sit in a car liao maybe?

Anyway reached home? And got this letter...from my ex...really got my thinking into a big mess now (along with my feelings, which is NOT helping me?), and coupled with the talk I had with my elder sister(-in-Christ) over lunch, am seriously thinking about a lot more things which I've learnt, and that whether they're true? Like, for one, we don't go about looking for the partner that God has thought of for you? Until you truly don't need anything else but Him, in that sense? Am not making sense now, brain's in a mess now. Also, a lot of things like, true, getting into a relationship (of THAT type) isn't just based on feelings, but also whether the characters/spiritual maturity, etc etc etc are suitable? But...what if, the thing is NOT exactly right? I know that God can NEVER be simplified into a formula (probably except for that HE LOVES US), and that we should never expect Him, or things to work out exactly in a way, but am I starting to get into that, with these new set of thinkings and values? Also all these things I'm absorbing from around me, are they exactly biblical? I believe that however He teaches us through whatever media/way, it MUST tally with His word too right? Gosh....I'm so confused

But for now, I really really really don't want to end up hurting anyone (not physically lah), but I really don't see a way out based on circumstances? God....HELP........................

Friday, August 01, 2003

Hwah...quite a few days never post a blog liao haha, have had quite a few days packed with programs (not entirely lessons), somehow? Lol...

Finally finished my PREPARATIONS for the logic designs lab next wk, after 2 whole days of trying to prepare it! Ended up the first experiment took up 6 A4 pages of my log book lor....scary man...I hope the rest of the experiments not so lengthy, or so many things, else chiar lat ah haha

Hehe...my roomie's prob gonna start staying in next week, when his laptop comes in. Hope that we can encorage each other to study, and do what's necessary, other than being distracted by the computer haha