TIFU by inserting a carrot in my anus while masturbating [NSFW]

Mandatory TIFU by inserting a carrot in my anus while masturbating; this happened some time back.

After reading some of the recent TIFUs about masturbation, I have finally found the courage to share the nightmare I went through 3 years ago. I try to forget it but it somehow returns to haunt me and I have yet to breathe a word about it to anyone.

I was 17, a clueless kid in school and WAS very open-minded. Regular stuff got boring pretty quickly and I started reading up online on how to make masturbation more intense and enjoyable; I visited a forum on this regularly. I made a friend whom I would bounce ideas off and he told me that I should pleasure my orifice while masturbating regularly to stimulate my senses to a greater level.

Initially, I had my reserves as asphyxiation was one thing but butt stuff was chartering new grounds. I decided to give it a go when I was at my elder brother’s place as I did not have a room to myself at home while at my brother’s place I would sleep in the guest room. The idea was to masturbate furiously upon inserting a carrot up my anus to achieve maximum pleasure. It sounds stupid now but it was fascinating to 17 year old me who was a bit of a cretin.

My brother’s wife had vegetables in the bottom compartment of the refrigerator and I managed to steal it before bed time and smuggled it to the guest room. According to my friend from the forum, I was supposed to insert the carrot in bit by bit and release it till I got accustomed to the prodding before inserting it about 7cm in. I had prepared lubricant for this and lathered the carrot and my anus with lubricant before proceeding with the insertion. The key part was to lay sideways so I was able to masturbate without hurting my anus in case I moved suddenly and would not be butt raped by the carrot.

It was hurting slightly but it was somewhat bearable and I carried on. This was when disaster struck; it was late at night and the only sound was my phone playing soothing music. A cat fight had broken out and the sudden screech startled me and I moved abruptly instinctively due to fear. The sudden move caused me to move my butt and it pushed the carrot a bit further in, resulting in a small rectal contusion. I bit my lips and fought through the pain and finally ejaculated on the floor.

The pain was burning my bum hole, it was a lot worse than when I had tried experimenting how long I could go without shitting when I was 14. I went 4 days on an extremely dry diet, biscuits and plain water and I managed 4 days before expelling the largest turd of my life with some rectal fissure as the toilet bowl had a couple of red stains. This pain was way worse, I could barely get myself up on my feet. After a bit of effort, I managed to get the carrot to put it in the sink to get rid of it after cleaning myself up in the toilet.

To my horror, I had fainted in the toilet from the pain and only woke up in the morning. I quickly cleaned myself up and went to the kitchen to see if the carrot had been thrown away. That’s where I screwed it up royally. My brother’s wife had taken all the vegetables and gave it to the food donation drive people who came in the morning. She’s a bit of a monster and would not have given a damn to gave the stained carrot away.

I got myself home quickly after lunch and prayed that the vegetables would be rejected or thrown away.

TL;DR: I sexed myself with a carrot in the anus while I was masturbating and an accidental fall caused the carrot to be pushed in further resulting in anal fissure. Didn’t get rid of it in time, brother’s wife took the carrot with the other vegetables to donate to the food donation drive.

Well at least it wasn't a hot dog, squid head or a coconut this time... oh just read it this is worse way worse WTH??!?!!!

Edit: I never thought I'd reach the point in my life where I'd ask myself if eating a jizz filled squid head is worse than a jizz filled hot dog which in turn must be significantly less worse than a prostate massaging carrot..guys anything truly is possible in this world.

Thanks to your comment I've just fallen down a traumatising reddit hole. I read about the squid, then that led to the coconut and his IAMA, and then I ended up in broken arms, fucking his mum IAMA. The last two hours have left me in serious need of r/Eyebleach

Finding this hard to believe. First, you put a shitty carrot in a sink. But then you fainted while cleaning yourself. You didn't faint shoving a carrot in your ass or from taking a massive dump trying to get the carrot out, just cleaning yourself. Third, who finds a vegetable in a sink and thinks "let me just put this back in with the other vegetables." Fourth, you said 14 days later. Who donates fresh produce 14 days after buying it? If ur donating fresh produce, you buy it and take it straight to the donation center.