Craig Kenneth : 00:33 Hi there. I'm coach Craig. Kenneth, and in this video I'm going to be talking about do ex's come back when you ignore them. Okay. So I know there is a lot of different advice out there on breakups, what to do and how to retract the next and apparently there is a lot of information out there about ignoring people and um, some of it involves ignoring your ex if they reach out to you. So I thought I would do a video to talk about this today to clarify for you guys and help you understand how to handle things because there is a huge difference between ignoring somebody and not making them a giant priority after they've broken up with you and they've left you because you know every situation is different. Okay. Let me start off by saying that because somewhere you guys are in a situation where maybe you had done of lot of neglect or mistreating of your ex and so you're afraid of doing that again.

Craig Kenneth : 01:47 Now if that is a situation you're in, you need to be more careful in how attentive you are to your ex. Of course, you still don't want to be jumping through hoops for them, but you certainly don't want them to feel like you don't care making it any worse. Right? So I'm going to talk about this because I got an email about it. I'm going to read this quick email and then I've got a kind of another email that's going to help you see a more in lined with a successful retracting of somebody. Okay, so let me go ahead and get to this first email. They said, hi coach Greg. I'm coming out of a rough breakup and it came online for help. I have to say that it is a bit overwhelming with all the breakup channels out there. After watching so many videos, I found that yours makes the most sense to me.

Craig Kenneth : 02:38 You and Margaret seem so genuine and sincere and explain things in a way that really opened my eyes. Well, thank you for the kind words. Margaret and I are just the way you see us. If anything were more ms dot devious and funnier when the camera's off. We're always having a good time together and that's what you see as like laughing and joking and the videos. A lot of times we're talking about a sensitive topic so we can't, you know, be as silly as we normally might be because we understand that you guys are hurting and going through a rough time. But when you see us having a good time with each other, that's the way we are together. And we've known each other for probably 12 years. I don't even know. I have to sit down and think about it. Uh, but obviously, you know, when I started this years ago and prepared for this for many years, Margaret was always a big part of my plan on getting her on the videos and helping educate you guys and changing your world and educating you on mental health because we know there's so little good information out there that a lot of times it does come from somebody that is like a pickup artist, right?

Craig Kenneth : 03:51 So they go on to say, uh, I can't wait to be able to tell you my story in a Skype and you'll be proud to know I am on the second workbook and loving it. Well, that's great. I've had such incredible feedback on the workbook workbook so far and I'm so excited about that because I really spent a long time putting them together. And even before we were done with one through five, we kinda already had laid the groundwork for the next set which is well underway and is going to be awesome. You guys are going to see. There's a couple things about them that I think you're going to be really excited for, but I'm not gonna make that announcement yet. Before I found your channel, I came across advice telling me that I should ignore my ex. They said you should wait until a 30 day period ended.

Craig Kenneth : 04:47 Then I saw another guy saying that come comeback when you ignore them, but it doesn't make any sense to me. If someone ignored me, I think that they didn't have any interest. These people don't make any sense to me, but they say that they're experts. Yet when I researched them, they don't appear to have any experience or education. Can you please do a video on this to help clear up confusion? Eternally grateful Hannah. Okay. Well, thank you for the kind words and you're right, there is a lot of different information out there. Uh, not just on Youtube, obviously about how to handle situations and um, I can't speak for anybody else's credentials out there. All I can tell you is that, aside from my education, I've always been fascinated by relationships and breakups and have been really. It's been a passion of mine since you know, I was even in high school, I used to read books even back then before I was going to study and get my master's degree and do everything that I've done, but yes, Margaret and I have combined like 50 something years of experience.

Craig Kenneth : 06:08 We don't even keep track of it honestly because we're always focused on what we can do to help you guys next and what we're focused on teaching you guys next so you guys can grow and not only change your life and try and retract the next, but improve your mental health and if you teach your friends and stuff that we're teaching you, it can lay a groundwork for a more helpful support system for you. And that's always important because I tell him, I'm telling you guys all the time. I have friends and family that give terrible advice. I had a guy that I talked to today that got bad advice from a good friend's friend or a good friend's girlfriend and it made the situation much worse. So your friends and your family, they aren't experts in this and they don't study this and honestly as you can see for yourself, there are a lot of so called experts out there that give bad advice to, um, you know, the handwritten letter, I just find to be ridiculous and honestly you should see how many people I talked to in a given week.

Craig Kenneth : 07:17 I hear at least several times I tried this and it didn't work. Um, or the clean slate. I've heard about that one too. These are not strategies that I would recommend. Okay. And I think long and hard about where you're getting the information from. So be careful guys. Okay. Um, I do not ever recommend to ignore an x this 30 day, uh, ignoring your x thing is absolute nonsense. I have no idea where it came from or where it originated. I looked, I couldn't find any information on that. If you see anything the shared in the comment section, but I just don't think it's a good idea to ignore somebody because a lot of things are going to happen. They're going to be angry that you're ignoring them. They're going to get frustrated, they're going to become resentful and they're going to give up and they're going to move on.

Craig Kenneth : 08:09 And then you're gonna miss your window of opportunity because guys, I gotta be honest with you when you're trying to retract somebody, you know, there are times where you have a window of opportunity and times where you don't. And so one of the things you have to do is work on yourself during that time. Become the best version of yourself. So that way when the window opens, you're ready and you know what to do. I tell you guys all the time, I get emails from people that I've even done a skype with that two or three weeks later, they didn't stick to the plan. They did what they wanted to do against what I suggested. And they're like, what do I do now? And it's like, well, now we got to reevaluate the whole situation because you didn't stick to the plan and you got to be careful of that guys.

Craig Kenneth : 09:00 Um, so I understand. I would not recommend ignoring somebody. I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's going to make your situation worse when you have an x that is reaching out to you when they are trying to repair things. That is your window of opportunity to try and repair it. If somebody is trying to repair the connection with you that they had felt disconnected and now all of a sudden they want to reconnect with you and repair it. And instead of saying, yes, let's, let's go ahead and work on this. Let's, you know, try and make it better. They're, they're just ignoring the person. Of course they're gonna get mad and say the hell with this, you know, uh, it's not like they probably haven't been considering other options because in many cases they are. And so why would they not want to explore other options if, when they're reaching out to you, you're ignoring them.

Craig Kenneth : 09:59 Okay? So you can do what you want, but I would never ignore somebody. I just think it's a bad idea. And so hopefully this clarifies that for you. Now I also don't want you to come across as incredibly eager because if somebody ends the relationship, and again, every situation is different, so if somebody ends the relationship with you, you don't want to look like that, they can get you back easily. I mean, unless you made a lot of mistakes, you need to handle it a bit different than if you were, you know, a relatively good partner and all of a sudden they left you for somebody else or something like that. Like there's a million different factors and that's why I say to every situation is different. Um, but for the most part you don't want to be eager. Okay. So let's make that clear. Um, so I have a second email that might show you a little bit more clearly how I would think it would be more helpful to respond.

Craig Kenneth : 11:02 Now this is not the standard a reply that I would want you to do, but this one just happened to come in around the same time as the first email. So I'm like, you know what, I could show the correlation of what I'm talking about. Okay. So this email said, hey Craig, I just wanted to say thank you to you and Margaret for so much of your coaching advice and your videos. You definitely have the best dating and relationship advice on the Internet. Hands down. Thank you so much for those kind words. Uh, please feel free to share my story below. Since my wife and I divorced, I have met a young woman in her early thirties and fallen in love with her. I'm in my early forties. We started out in the same city, but then I moved and we've been having a long distance relationship.

Craig Kenneth : 11:53 Things have been going great for the most part, but recently she started distancing herself and pulling away even though I watched your videos and done some Skype coaching with you in the past. I still made some classic mistakes. Got To be careful guys. That's why I tell you to take notes when we're talking. So you remember your plan and you stick to it. I started questioning her whereabouts when she was out. I also started getting irritated with her and lecturing her when she wasn't answering her texts and phone calls. Your anxiety was causing you to get insecure and then you started to try and do controlling behavior and of course what happens that makes the situation worse. I also got jealous when she would tell me about guys that she interacted with, even though they were just platonic friends. She's known for years and nothing was actually going on.

Craig Kenneth : 12:58 Okay, so now you're feeling threatened by guys that she's just friends with and you're getting more controlling. You could see where this is going. I acted insecure and jealous like I just said, after a couple of weeks of this, she told me she needed space. Luckily I realized that things had taken a decidedly bad turn and that I was walking a very fine line. Okay, so at least you were able to correct it and some of you guys may remember the video where I talk about correcting things in real time where it's like, you know in the beginning you're walking down the street and you don't see the man holds, so you fall in it, you get back out. Another day later you're walking down the street. You forget about the man, you fall into it. Again, it's about eventually recognizing, oh my gosh, there's a manhole there.

Craig Kenneth : 13:55 I got to step around it and get past it without falling in. It's Kinda like that where you keep making the same mistakes over and over again until you finally correct it and sometimes that's what happens. If you're not really motivated and you're really not doing as much work as some of the other people out there, you're gonna fall in the manhole a lot more. I have some clients that are absolutely super motivated. They're blown through the workbooks. They're already begging me for the next set and those people are obviously progressing faster than the people that keep falling in the manhole and making the mistakes, but again, I can only teach you guys. You guys have to figure it out and realize what you've got to do in real time. The next day she called me once for a very short call that seemed almost businesslike. I answered and was Nice, but not overly eager.

Craig Kenneth : 14:54 Okay. This is what I was talking about. He was nice but not too eager. The second day she called me twice with facetime and I treated the calls the same though she was much more friendly. See, some of you guys would have been so eager and excited. You would have been shaking and trembling and you know, uh, been getting into this long texting conversation with them and, you know, just coming on way too strong and then that would have chased them away, but he stayed calm and look what happened, what do I teach you guys? Behavior escalates to serve a function now her behaviors escalating to try and get his attention. I did behavior analysis for four years, um, which kind of teaches some fundamental stuff about behavior before. Obviously I got my master's degree. That's why I'm able to explain things like that and hopefully it clicks for you guys.

Craig Kenneth : 15:49 Okay? The third day she texted me, good morning. So I waited about two hours and texted her back. The same response. Say, you look at this behavior, she's trying to get his attention right. If she was done with him, she wouldn't be doing this. I'm telling you right now, she would not be doing these kinds of behaviors if she completely lost interest and didn't care anymore. These are all good signs. We spoke for two minutes on the phone, but I was busy so I cut it short. Later that night she texted me, how's your night, babe? See this is what I'm telling you guys. Look at her behavior. It's all a escalating to get his attention because when she comes and shows interest to him, he doesn't come on too strong and when I didn't answer right away, she texted, okay, well I don't know where we are right now.

Craig Kenneth : 16:53 Like are we together? See now she's the one getting anxious about you and afraid that you're out with other people and that she might lose you to someone else. So I called her. She told me she thought I was pulling away and she was feeling anxious and lonely. Like I just said, that's what I suspected was going on there. We spoke for a while on the phone and she opened up about all this stuff that's been stressing her out with her job, kids, family, and we really started reconnecting fast. Needless to say, I recovered from near disaster and now she's planning a trip to come see me into weeks. Crisis averted. Okay. Well if you remember back at the beginning of this email, he had mentioned that they are long distance and so he had to spend a little bit more time on the phone than I would normally recommend.

Craig Kenneth : 18:03 Obviously if somebody local, I would not recommend spending so much time on the phone with them. I want to spend time with them in person, having fun with them in person, spending too much time texting and on the phone will decrease their desire to see you. It doesn't increase it. Texting does not make people want to see you more when they get all their answers and they get everything they need, you know when that connection, they're kinda going to lose interest. So I don't like texting and talking on the phone. Obviously in his situation he has to make a bit of an adjustment because it's long distance, but that's why I say, of course every situation is different and every breakup is different, so there are a lot of different factors and a lot of different things that I look at in situations like this.

Craig Kenneth : 18:54 But again, I don't advocate for ignoring somebody. Could you imagine if he just ignored this woman from the get go? She's reaching out to him. He ignores it. He decides I'm going to ignore her for the next two weeks or three weeks or whatever it is. And what do you think is going to happen with this woman? She already got anxious after not replying to one message for a little while. What do you think is gonna Happen? If he continues to ignore for this woman for days or weeks at a time, the situation's going to get worse. She's going to get fed up, she's gonna give up and then you're going to be sitting there thinking, why did I ignore this person? So I don't advocate you guys to ever ignore somebody and not reply to them. Um, of course every situation is different. There could be some kind of extremes for your particular situation that might not fit in with this scenario, but for the most part, I don't want you to ignore anybody.

Craig Kenneth : 19:53 Okay? So when you want to get my health personally, just go to my website, AskCraig.net , sign up for the coaching option that works best for you. I do email coaching, I do Skype, and of course if you want to get Margaret help, she's amazing and tons of experience and wonderful. So just sign up by clicking on Margaret on the top of the website, my workbooks, you're going to love them volumes one through five are available now only at AskCraig.net. Make sure you put a like on the video and subscribe to the channel.