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"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to give you a hope and a future."

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

We are Blessed

Well much has happened but it's becoming routine. Nathan is loving school and hasn't really had any incidents. The "incidents" that have popped up have been minor and settled at school. He loves to go and they are trying to challenge him more especially with reading.

Emma has been enjoying ruling the roost while Nathan is gone but today she really missed him. She was being cranky and crying and I asked her what was wrong and she said she had no one to play with. So I stopped my chores and played with her. We colored for a long time together. She kept calling me Nathan by accident ha ha!

We went Monday, the 26th, for an ultrasound. My parents were able to come into the room with me and Chris was there along with Emma and Nathan. It's hard sometimes doing ultrasounds and listening to the heartbeat and NOT thinking about baby #3. I am happy about the little girl doing somersaults in my belly but my heart still aches at times. You never get over the loss of a child no matter if you lose them at 3 months into your pregnancy or when they are older. You learn to cope and you heal.

For my ultrasound this time we were in the very same room as we went into one late morning on January 20th when we were scared. Hopeful. Prayerful. The same room where the tech shook her head and said she was sorry. The same room where we were told our baby had died. I tried not to think of that as I lay on the table Monday. The baby was literally doing flips in the womb and was so active the ultrasound tech said she had a hard time taking measurements because the baby kept moving.

Nathan was devastated and cried when he found out the baby was a girl. He wanted a brother so badly. I had a feeling all along it was a girl and I was right. I have a feeling the baby I lost was a boy... guess I have a 50/50 chance of being right with that too.

Though I would never wish to lose a child, never hope to go through such pain- a part of me is grateful. Don't get me wrong. Like I said I would not choose this. But losing a baby has given me the ability to better understand the loss of a child in the womb. And like any heartache I was given the opportunity to be held by the Savior when I was too weak to even stand.

Like a broken sheep that must be held close to the Shepherd's chest while it begins to mend; I was held tight the Savior. During the times my grief seemed too heavy to bear the Shepherd whispered words to my aching heart. Words meant only for me.

Let me tell you; once you've been broken, once you've been held close by the Shepherd and touched by the Healer; you are never the same. How could you be?

Sometimes my heart aches at the fact that we are preparing a crib for this baby, readying our home, our children, and even clothes for the baby's arrival. This was supposed to be for baby #3. We should have had a nearly two month old keeping us awake at night but instead I am 5, almost 6, months pregnant with baby #4.

And I am smitten. Every roll, every kick, every time I hear her precious heart beating with that Doppler I am grateful. We can't think what MIGHT have been. We can only move forward. I know I will see baby #3 in heaven one day. I am certain of it.