Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Now I wish I'd taken that scholarship to Mime State

Finally, I come to you with news you can use (and enjoy): I have no voice.

Oh, sure, my critics have been saying that for years, but today it's unarguably true. The wretched cold that settled into my haunches and gullies last week has ceased to make me feel like a sunken tugboat, but it felt the need to de-voice me today. I don't even get a gravelly, sexy morning voice; it's more of a boy in the throes of puberty crossed with that guy who's just had his vocal cords snipped.

It hasn't stopped me from making ugly-sounding phone calls to my brother and sister. Hell, I've been sick and bitchy to my poor sister so many times over the weekend that I probably owe her dinner. At least I wasn't bitchy today; just not very pleasing to the ear. It's days like this that make me grateful I'm not still a singer or a phone sex operator. I mean, ummmmmm, shit. Don't want to embarrass my family. Deny, Katy, deny. Okay. I take it back. I was never a singer.

It's also a good thing I teach online and not in person, because my lecture methods tonight would be limited to:

Writing my lecture notes on the whiteboard and gesticulating wildly

Playing charades with my class, which is always fun when dealing with UNIX

Using mute puppets to illustrate the high points of the week

At least the other drivers didn't have to be assaulted first thing in the morning with my face earnestly in mid-song as I drive with my karaoke songs blaring on the iPod. Really, it was a blessing for me, because I didn't have to hear myself earnestly in mid-song. That's okay; I was still obnoxious and white-girl head grooving to a block of Beastie Boys as I drove side-by-side with the stony-faced sons of bitches on their way to work this morning. That's okay. Next time they all see me, I'll be back in full voice, and I'll roll my window down and let them know just how badly I can belt it out when the northbound lane of my throat isn't closed to traffic.