Dad in-training: No longer a toddler, not quite a ‘big girl’

My oldest daughter, Sarah, is quickly approaching her third birthday. And with that comes another milestone: officially, she’ll no longer be a toddler.

While the 36-month mark is often cited as the end of toddlerdom, I might suggest that it ended a little bit earlier for our daughter. Because, at least in a cognitive sense if not a physical one, Sarah began to come into her own as a person – self-aware, strong-willed and fiercely independent – a long time ago.

This is a child, after all, who can coerce us to join her in a run-through of a dance routine she has just created. Or, upon receiving new guests at our house, insists on being the one to conduct the tour (first stop is always her room, of course). She’s a child who skilfully reverse-bargains allotted time at the playground and friends’ houses in her favour (If I say “2 more minutes,” she says “4.” If I then say “2” again, she says “5 minutes”).

My little girl’s turning into a master manipulator. And she’s still in Pull-Ups.

‘I’m a big girl’

It’s Sarah’s favourite catch-all phrase these days: “I’m a big girl”. She says it when she doesn’t want to do something you’ve asked her to do. She invokes it when she thinks she can handle herself on a given task. The trouble is, she’s big enough to know what she wants, but not quite able to “get it” yet.

Consequently, she often refuses our help, even though she still needs it most of the time – particularly when it comes to getting her changed or putting her on the toilet. If I try to expedite the process by doing things for her – putting her shoes on, for example, or buckling her into her car seat – she “undoes” it and attempts to do it herself.

Re-learning how to be a parent

At each step in their development, you’re faced with all-new challenges as they grow and learn. A lot of the things you used to do – things you got used to doing – are no longer relevant, so you need to change course. Thankfully, it’s a gradual process so as our child grows, we evolve as parents.

Sometimes, it can feel as though you’re learning how to be a parent all over again. You need to discard old routines and develop new ones. Some of the “tricks” that used to work, for instance, are no longer effective. We used to give Sarah the “choice” of two items of clothing, and she’d happily oblige. Now, she rejects both and reaches into the dresser drawers herself. She’ll refuse our predetermined options (“Get in the car or go to your room”) and attempt to push ahead with the activity of her choice.

Discipline

At this stage in our daughter’s development, she and other kids her age are testing the limits of just about everything. We’ve been doing our best to teach her about appropriate behaviour. At the same time, we’ve had to adjust the way we behave towards Sarah, too. As parents, we’re finding we need to guide her in a way that encourages her to learn and explore while becoming aware of the boundaries of what’s acceptable. It’s a delicate balance at times, and it requires patience – which, admittedly, can sometimes be in short supply.

But according to pediatrician Dr. Ari Brown, that patience is crucial. We need to remind ourselves of what’s typical for their age, their level of understanding and their need to constantly explore. From there, it’s important to manage our expectations. If they don’t always say “thank you,” put up a fuss about sharing their toys or throw a fit when they don’t want to leave the playground, we need to teach them what’s acceptable while remaining patient if they don’t “get it” right away. With enough experience and guidance, they will eventually learn appropriate behaviour.

Growing up fast

One of the interesting things about having a second child is we’re constantly reminded of what things used to be like for the first one. At 9 months, Arielle is all about babbling, crawling around and grabbing stuff. She’s completely unaware of the world around her, preoccupied with learning the basics of mobility and communication.

Looking at Sarah these days, it’s hard to believe she, too, was like that just two years ago. Even harder to believe is that she started from virtually nothing almost three years ago. In the intervening months and years, particularly through toddlerhood, we started to get little hints of a personality forming – and constantly speculated about what kind of a person she would be.

But now, she’s got opinions. She’s got strong likes and dislikes. She’s got artistic talent and a love of music. She’s emotional and she’s funny. And while she’s been talking for over a year now, she’s finally at a stage where we can carry on meaningful conversations with her. Sure, our little girl still has a lot of growing to do. But in a sense, it feels like she has finally arrived.

Being a parent means constantly being faced with a barrage of new challenges, situations, successes and failures. And, as Canada.com Parenting editor and daddy blogger David Kates has come to know exceedingly well, we mostly learn as we go along.