My mom [54f] freaked out over me going to a sex shop with my [19f] bf [19m] and now I’m really embarrassed and want to move out

A few months back my boyfriend and I decided to go to a sex shop together. We both went there there together as a couple. I’m exploring my sexuality right now with my bf. I see no problem with this. My bf and I always always always make sure we use protection when having sex and are very careful when we do the deed. So it’s not like I’m not being safe or anything. I know the possible consequences to getting pregnant and have discussed this with my boyfriend.

I live with my parents [54/f] [50s/m] right now but I’m saving to move out. My mom in the past has made it clear that she doesn’t want my bf and I “fooling around” in the house. I respect that it’s my parents house and their rules and I don’t do that there but it’s not like she’s completely in the dark to the fact that Im sexually active. We’ve had conversations about it before and she really doesn’t want me having sex until I’m married. My whole family is Christian and I am not. I think that’s important to add because our views on sexuality greatly differ.

Fast forward to yesterday, my mom was looking through my stuff and discovered my stash of condoms/lube. That night when I got back from work she asked to talk to me. She told me she needed to have an uncomfortable conversation with me. She told me that she found the sex stuff and asked me where I had got it. I told her that I went to a sex shop with my bf and that we got it there. She was furious.

Now this is where shit hits the fan. She asked me how I could take my boyfriend to such a place. She said I was poisoning his mind with perverse thoughts of other women by taking him there. I told her that we both made the decision to go into the store as a couple but she countered that by accusing me of manipulating him to fulfill my sexual desires. She said that she knows I watch porn, I do once in a while, she told me that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. She told me that I was a pervert and that pedophiles watch porn. She asked if I wanted to be a pedophile. She said a bunch of other fucked up things as she does when she gets angry like this. I don’t look at illegal or crazy shit and I’m not into that stuff. I think most people watch porn from time to time and I don’t see a problem with it. I didn’t argue with her though because how and I supposed to compose a rational argument when she’s basically in hysterics.

That’s not the end of it though she told my family about my “sins” so now I’ve locked myself in my room out of sheer embarrassment. I know this makes my mom look really bad but she’s not a horrible person she’s done so much for me and I appreciate everything she’s done for me. Anyway I guess what I’m asking is how do I get out of this house asap? Am I overreacting? I just need advice right now.

TL;DR
My mom freaked out over seeing some sex stuff I bought at a sex shop and said a bunch of fucked up things to me and now I want to leave.

Edit: hey I know this post is a few days old but I just wanted to thank everyone who has responded. I’ve gotten some really good advice and I feel a lot better :)

TL;DR
My mom freaked out over seeing some sex stuff I bought at a sex shop and said a bunch of fucked up things to me and now I want to leave.

As my dad says 'people who go rummaging through other people's stuff deserve everything they find'. And he meant it for exactly the situation your mom has found herself in. If you look through your adult kids stuff (even teenage kids things unless you're really sure you need to) then you shouldn't be surprised if you find something you don't like.

As my dad says 'people who go rummaging through other people's stuff deserve everything they find'. And he meant it for exactly the situation your mom has found herself in. If you look through your adult kids stuff (even teenage kids things tbh unless you're really sure you need to) then you shouldn't be surprised if you find something you don't like.

'people who go rummaging through other people's stuff deserve everything they find'

This. A thousand times. She crossed a very serious line. You are an adult, legally and emotionally. Her "outing" you to family is horrifying. You shouldn't be embarrassed for being a normal human being. And I really had hoped to see in your post that the people she "told on you" either would have stopped her or corrected her awful behavior but this doesn't seem to be the case. If I was your family member not only would I have told your mom off for what she did but I also would have made sure you knew that the only person I held anything against, that I thought "sinned" if you will, was your mom.

I have to admit, when i was a young teen, i had quite a penchant for snooping (particularly baby sitting clients) but even then i has a pretty strong personal rule that i couldn’t judge or blame anyone for anything i might find (unless it were like...crazy illegal)

For example, I once found a family friend’s home made gay porn stash (frankly, it was not well-hidden on his computer that he let me use). I made a pact to myself that i couldn’t let it change how i felt about him...and honestly it never really led me too. I found out he was an adult with a consensual sex life. Oh well.

I guess my point is...if i could figure out how to not judge people for my snooping at 13...parents like OP’s have no fucking excuse.

One time I was babysitting a young boy (I think he was 8?). His parents were family friends, they lived just down the street from us, and the boy went to my mom's daycare so I knew them pretty well. His mom had to be at work for 7:30 and his dad was going to be home at 11 or 12. His mom told me he probably wouldn't wake up before his dad got home. She also mentioned that there were muffins on the counter if I wanted one.

I started off writing a paper for English class, and then I thought a muffin sounded good. I walked into the kitchen and let my gaze sweep the (very long) counter starting by the door. First thing I saw? A small remote (I originally mistook it for a car fob). I picked it up because I was nosy and saw that it had two buttons. One was labelled "Normal" and the other was "WOW".

Another time I was babysitting the same kid. Same deal, mom had an early shift and the dad would be home at 12, probably wouldn't see the kid until much later. This was during the summer so I settled in to watch some TV. I couldn't find anything to watch on my normal channels so I hit the Guide button and started flipping through. Since I was going down (from higher to lower), I accidentally flipped from 1 through to 700 (where the radio channels were; but it jumped from 350 to 600 to 700). A small note, with the TV provider that they had, if you didn't subscribe to the channel it wouldn't show anything except a message that basically said to call the provider to subscribe. Anyway, I thought I'd just keep flipping down to see what I'd missed above where I'd started. Those 600 channels? The porn channels, which were a package of their own. And they all had a little lock symbol (which meant parental lock). Why lock it if it's just gonna show you a black screen with a message saying to phone the company to have it added to your subscription?

TL;DR: basically I found what looked suspiciously like a vibrator remote sitting on the counter and accidentally stumbled across the fact that they subscribed to the porn channels.

Geez, tell us how you really feel lol. I know that bc I grew up in really religious, conservative (dare I say sheltered) family that if I were to discover something like that I'd be probably using it as a story too.

I’m really sorry your Mom did this to you, I can only imagine how humiliated you are right now, but I promise you that this too shall pass. From the sound of it, it’s only a matter of time before your Mom has some new “crisis” that will take the spotlight. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Please remind yourself that your Mother should feel humiliated and ashamed for the way she treated her child, especially by telling the whole family. You did nothing wrong! If I were you I would buy a small personal safe and keep anything private to you in it. Unfortunately you’re under her roof so you have to deal with her antics, even though she handled this situation as wrong as a parent could possibly handle it. Lock up your private stuff until you can get the fuck out of that house. It just angers me that your Mom did this to you and I wish I could give you a hug.

This is an EXCELLENT response. And OP, my mother is the exact same way. She told all of her personal friends/my family members when she found out I had watched porn. Then with my first serious boyfriend she accused me, DAILY, of having premarital sex with him and when I’d deny it (we weren’t having sex yet!) she’d say, “Well he must be gay then.” I’d just try to lie low for awhile, do what you need to do to keep the peace with your parents, and work steadily to save as much money as possible. Move out when you’re financially stable (have steady income, plus an emergency fund) and live your life however you see fit. You are not in the wrong - your mother is. But you are strong, capable, rational, and you can totally do this.

You’re also savvy enough to know that your Mom is in hysterics and not to try to talk to her rationally yet. Perfect.

Develop a plan for when she IS ready to have this conversation. Don’t let her off the hook. In particular, she was trying to feel less guilty about her reaction by sharing the information with others and trying to align people against you.

When she is calm and she feels like things have blown over, sit her down and say, “Mom, you have damaged our relationship. You are entitled to your opinions about sex, and I am entitled to mine. You are NOT however, allowed to ever again share your thoughts on my personal life with other people. You have broken trust and I’m not sure how I feel about our relationship being as close as it was moving forward. I’ll speak to you when you have properly apologized for purposefully trying to damage what my family thinks of me. Secondly, if we are to rebuild any trust we used to have, you are to NEVER snoop through my belongings again. If you respect these boundaries and I start to trust you again you are welcome to ask me questions about my personal life. I am an honest person. I will either tell you directly, or I’ll let you know that it’s not something I’m willing to share.

You might want to open by asking her not to speak until you are done. Give her some time to process, and then be READY to experience one of two things:

1) An extinction burst. This is Applied Behaviour Analysis speak for “I’m used to getting my way by freaking out! Now I will freak out more because I’m being held accountable for my actions!”

If you ignore this reaction and repeat, “I’ll speak to you when...” she will eventually calm down and sort her shit out. You can’t compromise though! Be ready for anything and stay calm. She might go as far as to kick you out. Calmly pack an overnight bag and go stay with friends/boyfriend. When you do talk to her, tell her you love her and you’re ready to talk when she is ready to respect you. This might take weeks, but the pay off is for the rest of your lives she knows you won’t back down when she throws a tantrum.

2) She immediately realizes what she has done. Be ready for lots of tears. You are under no obligation to tell her what she did to you is okay. This is what she will want. You can repeat yourself here too. “What you did wasn’t okay. I love you and over time we will get past this.”

By the way, anyone who would do what your mother did to you IS a horrible person. I know you don't want to believe it, but believe it. It's horrible. She knowingly humiliated you for no good reason. If she really had your best interests at heart she would've shown you some basic respect and kept it at least between the two of you.

Great suggestion but $10 says that mom will immediately refuse to allow the presence of a private, locked safe in the sanctity of her home and that this will aggravate the situation. You're in a pickle OP, but better times are ahead. Play by your mom's rules for now, meaning keep your fun box at your boyfriend's and keep your mother in the dark 😋

Starting now, but especially once you've moved out, don't compromise your integrity by lying to her about your personal life. Just refuse to discuss it with her. If she won't acknowledge and accept that boundary then minimize contact until she abides and make it clear that you won't allow that sort of intrusion.

Yea, mom’s already going through her stuff at age 19, she’s just going to get pissed and assume that the safe has things daughter doesn’t want her to see. That’ll just make her more mad and she may assume things are in there that aren’t. “It’s drugs isn’t it! You had no issue hiding your perverted sex toys so this must be drugs!”

Huuuuge red flag right there. Shows a total lack of respect for you as a person, and as an ADULT. You def need to sit both of your parents down and re-define your relationship, and make them understand that 'my roof / rules' is not an excuse to be tyrants. They might think they are doing what they think is right, but most likely they are afraid of you growing up, which is normal, but is their problem, not yours. (Are you the oldest child? If not, how did they treat your sibs?)

Have you chatted to your older siblings about this? My mum could be fairly intense when I was a teenager, particularly surrounding alcohol, sex, drugs etc. I have 4 older siblings, and when she'd get a bit over the top, it was always a great to be able to talk to them, who had experienced all of this, for some support and some advice.

Maybe you could wait until she's in a good mood and you two are alone and tell her that not agreeing with your decisions is not your problem. And I would remind her that some of those items keep sex safer for you and prevent pregnancy so you don't end up a teenage unwed mother.

I'm sorry but I've been in a situation similar (religious folks, found out about sex things) and in my experience this will blow over. If it doesn't in a few weeks address it again. OP if your mom is rational you can explain your mindset and if she respects you she will leave it be. Tell her not to look through your things ever again and the boundaries will be set.

Moving out at 19 is a huge (read: HUGE) task that I certainly wasn't ready for at 19. If you need a place to live for a bit sure but don't burn the bridge over condoms.

It's sad yes she's clearly swallowed the religious rhetoric. My parents said horrible things to me when I was young but we have a decent relationship now and I wouldn't have traded the pleasure of moving out with relationship now.

I would be willing to bet your relationship with your parents only improved when you moved out. I don't know why you think relationships get better from forced familiarity when they're already bad.

Seriously, her mother is abusive and manipulative. She is not rational. If OP continues to live there, her mother will never change, and their relationship will only get worse. Her leverage over her mother - the only way to make it clear that this behavior is unacceptable, is her presence in her mother's life. Her mother is attempting to force her values on her daughter, and is clearly willing to cross serious boundaries to shame her daughter into behaving the way she wants. OP needs out of the situation, and time to explore her sexuality without her mother's insane rantings.

It;s not just the condoms, its the looking through the stuff, it's the trying to control her sex life, it's the telling other people about it. This is a much too enmeshed situation. It could be fixed, but it would require the OPs mom to do work on herself also, and that seems unlikely.

she's 19-- is it really worth getting a new place over this and all the savings and benefits that come with living at home? For most people in a similar situation, the answer is probably no. The best option is to just start hiding your stuff better and put up with this bullshit while making sure you're saving and making the most out of this situation so that you can be in the best possible position once you actually do want to leave.

It's also harder to focus on education when there's turmoil and added stressors and pressure from fundamentalist family members who seek to destroy OP's reputation and drown them in guilt.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs clearly shows stability and shelter are the basis of any other development, OP's parents make the home unstable and there is no trust or privacy, OP finding stable housing may be a huge turning point.

OP is a legal adult and should be working to live independently at this age anyway, it's simply quickening the pace to reach that goal as things are unravelling in the home she's currently in.

Both of those things I've dealt with (all of my mom's religious friends encouraged her to snoop). Controlling sex lives and even telling family are all just things religious parents do. I still love my parents even though at times they were terribly controlling.

Edit: really getting downvoted for saying she should try to work it out before making a life changing decision of moving out...

It’s great that you can get over it, but it’s a serious cause of tension in my religious household, and the only way our relationship ever got better was when I was not living with them. Saying “it’s just how it is” does nothing to help their relationship.

Living with tension is better than "OP go live on the street rather than deal with this." Trust me, I've done it.

Can't believe I'm getting downvoted for this. Moving out and risking the financial security that comes with living with your parents (college, insurance, etc) over this? OP even said she still appreciates her mom and you all down here acting like she's in actual danger.

I never said she was in danger lmao. I’m living with my parents at the moment, but it’s really not the wisest choice for me or my mental health, and our relationship gets worse each passing day. I wouldn’t blame any one for staying, but this shit is honestly very abusive, and it’s probably only one thing on a list of a thousand things that her parents have done to her. While she probably will end up staying, she feels humiliated and like she can’t trust her parents, which is the truth. She can’t trust her parents, and minimizing and dismissing her feelings won’t help her.

Hear me out, you will be so much better if you just tough it out with religious parents. Get to uni and I promise you it gets better. It's really not a good move to move out in high school as much as I personally dreamed about it.

Feeling humiliated and distrusting is a small price to pay for financial security for the next year.

Went to Uni. It hasn’t gotten better. I’m glad you’ve had a better experience than I, but your experience is not universal. Her main issue is not that her parents are religious, but that they are abusive.

Your focusing on the religious part and not the parents part. Even religious parents can be trained sometimes to think as a parent first, I did with mine, but if they refuse to move an inch sometimes its best to start exploring other options.

Ok but if exploring other options involves living in some Craigslist basement, eating ramen for months, and giving up college, insurance, etc? I mean come on, it's not like she's in physical danger. She's not escaping some crazy religious zealot it's just a disagreement about sexual relations. Parenting aside it's foolish (angsty even) to move out over this.

It's a big leap to go from, you need to think about where else you might be able to live, to your scenario.
And as much as you survived similar and don't see this as abuse it is abuse. It's not angsty to protect your sovereignty over your own body and thoughts.

You're being downvoted because you're giving terrible advice that does not address OP's needs.

Rug-sweeping abusive behaviour doesn't change the impact it has on the OP, and while one can forgive abusers, that doesn't mean they have to stay in contact. You can love someone and still recognise that they are toxic and that maintaining a relationship is unhealthy.

As someone who was severely abused the "but they're faaaaaaamily" excuse is incredibly dangerous and manipulative. It undermines healthy boundaries and minimises the impact and pain caused, as well as invalidating the feelings and emotions tied to that abuse.

You may have decided to remain in touch with people who treated you poorly, but it is reckless and inappropriate to recommend to others.

Your mom has backwards, incorrect and crazy views about sexuality. Most people watch porn. Going to a sex store with your boyfriend as a couple was the right way to do that, and you're being safe and not even violating any of your mom's rules about fooling around under her roof. say "I'm an adult, and you can't force me to agree with your backwards views. I've never violated any of your rules while in this house, but what I do outside of it is none of your business or concern." Yes, you should find a way to move out immediately, otherwise you'll be subjected to this all the time. Start saving your money for a place.

This is such a typical "Christian mom" response. Clearly, because you are sexually active you are a sexual deviant and a Jezebel woman who is leading that poor man astray. [Intense sarcasm] My mom would do this as well. The fact that she instantly sided with your BF is just silly.

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Now you've come face to face with the misogyny and complete and utter inability to deal with sexuality that is rampant within many Christian circles. You sound like you have a good handle on yourself and are pretty level headed. That being said, you are unlikely to reverse years and years of built in bias. There's nothing you can do other than to live a good life. Live a healthy life.

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Move out, live your life and work on creating some distance from people that will make you feel this way. In the meantime, get a lock on your door.

I think it's their call (but insane) for your parents to say "no sex in the house, and no boyfriends sleeping over" however if they think that they can stop you from masturbating, then no. They cannot do that.

And honestly, you're still young and living in their house - but they really need to understand that your an adult and your sex life is none of their business. "mom dad, we need to have a talk. You need to respect me, and I am entitled to a level of privacy which means no long er going through my stuff. And my sex life is none of your business - I respect that this is your house and I do not break your rules and this is the last we're going to talk about it"

I used to work in a sex shop and I want to reassure you that you and your bf did nothing wrong by visiting one. It’s one of the best places to explore and learn, and the staff there are able to answer any questions you’ve had. Even older, stuffy couples would come by and ask questions and I was always happy to answer them.

That being said, your mom is very very wrong. She was wrong to dig around your stuff, wrong to shame you, wrong all around. I really would advise you to move out as soon as you’re able to because you’ve been confirmed to be a harlot slut blah blah blah, and she won’t stop looking for those things. You can try sitting down with your parents as other people have suggested but I don’t think it’ll help very much.

You are old enough to move out and I think you should. I come from the same background, as a Girl who grew up in a Christian Household who doesn't believe, which gives me vastly different opinions than my family. I moved out about a month before I turned 18, not out of spite or anything, but it was the best decision that I've ever made. The space takes them out of being able to snoop and make you feel bad about your personal business. In the long run it's great, even if you're poor through your mid twenties haha

I did the same thing at the same age. I was pretty broke for a while, but got an ok job and went on to make a nice little life for myself. I even pursued higher education from the Liberal Education System!! Later I found a cute little atheist and made two wonderful, well-behaved, smart, free, adjusted, heathen children with him. Now I make a living wage that supports my family. So does he. Between the two of us, the life we've built is a far cry from the satanic evil depravity den that was projected as my future.

My tattoos are pretty, my dude is supportive and my kids are on the honor roll.

The life I had before was filled with anxiety and stress. It is not fun to be controlled by someone else's fears.

Edited to say to OP: If you go this route make sure you have a plan. Don't just run off. Save and be smart about it. Make sure you have a place to go and set up a support system. I do not advocate running off into the night without any resources. That would be naive and maybe dangerous.

Dude we are the same! I have mega anxiety issues but I am so much happier being separated but not fully. I don’t have a family yet but I am building a career that will sustain not only myself but also children easily. And if I got a steady man we would easily be upper middle class and comfortable. I’m only 25 but I’m so glad I carved out this life that I did. Live frugally and be happy. Shop second hand, find the cheap grocery store, and work hard!!

Imagine calling your daughter a pedophile because she looked at porn and has sex with her unmarried bf. She calls herself Christian but there’s passage in Leviticus which if I remember from my church days are the laws of Christianity along with psalms and numbers deutorotmy???
That specifically states verbatim take the beam out of their eye and into yours. The Bible strictly states multiple times with various encounters of Jesus saying specifically ye without sin cast the first stone.

Not only are they using religion and the fear of sin to manipulate and chastise you they’re doing so to their own blood which indicates they do it to everyone. These types of Christians are what made me leave the faith.
They’re hypocrite borderline garbage human beings with egos to high water.

You seem responsible you know your parents more than we do. This could get volatile real quick and you’re gonna risk losing access to your family cause they seem fucking crazy.

I’d really make sure you make a drastic decision for your sake and not for a boy you’re not married to yet. Also get your finances in a row. Even go to the pastor cause sometimes they’re more down to earth than your parents are and can maybe rear them down a peg till you can leave.

Mine was at least. But again you know more than we do.

If you have an option to get out and take care of your self do so. Tell them what they did was not ok and that you expected better from people who call them selves Christians. They were hypocritical and rude for no reason other than disagreeing with your life style choices. Good luck yo

This is how most "Christians" who just do it out of tradition or how they were raised are, most have not read the whole Bible, many will quote passages as having a meaning that a preceding or following passage completely contradicts. It's frustrating as heck. When I was going through Lutheran Catechism (I am no longer Lutheran), I had the good fortune to have a Pastor who was a serious divinity school wonk and ended up more of a Rabbi than a Preacher and we had a lot of good debates and discussion.
The best thing is to have a sit down with a serious discussion about limits for now. If that seems dangerously likely to just get ignored or turned into an argument OP should try to have someone there everyone can trust to at least be there to keep tempers down, even if they don't contribute to the discussion. If that doesn't work looking into finding another place to live is a long term goal not a short one, a 19 year old should not rush out of the house, and it may come down to OP standing her ground on her life choices, but keeping them less visible, not saying hiding or lying, but just not having it be there in mom's face while figuring out what to do next.

Your mother is abusive. Her words to you and her violations of your privacy are so far out of line that I wonder whether she may be clinically insane. It's not wrong to want to get as far away as you can from a person who behaves this way.

The reasons don't really matter. Mental health is a big, complex spectrum, which is why the field requires years of education before you can work in it. Sometimes people aren't mentally ill, they're just abusive.

So what's the real story? Who knows. It doesn't matter. What matters are the results and how they impact you: she's abusive, her behavior is hurting you, and you need to GTFO.

You sound hesitant in your other comments about the logistics of moving out. Can you find roommates? Ask around at school or Craigslist. Roommates are a good way of keeping your costs low. Look at other local sources for furniture and clothes (CL, Salvation Army) and groceries (like Aldi). This is assuming you're in the US. Google around to see what resources are available in your region. Don't hesitate to ask friends. Somebody might know somebody who needs a roommate or is hiring.

If you don't have any money yet, start saving like crazy and consider getting another job. Make sure you have your own separate bank account. Google the term "gray rock" and use it with your mom until you can move out. Don't react to her drama. Obviously, you can't share anything personal with her because she'll use it against you.

To be clear, she went snooping in your stuff, shamed you for having a private sex life like any other adult, and then told the rest of the family in a bid to humiliate you and shame you back into line. That's fucked up. You have nothing to be ashamed about here, and I don't think this is something you can talk honestly with her about especially while you're still living under her roof. She's being unreasonable and cruel. Sometimes the only way you can deal with a person like that is to get your own independence and set strong boundaries for how (and if) they fit into your life.

Were your parents flawless or something? It's so common for parents to have shitty old biases that they can't handle what seems to us like regular life. Like, OP's mother actually thinks her daughter will go to hell or something, that's not a brain chemistry imbalance, that's a logical result of her religious upbringing.

If your Mom and your family members bring this up - the sex shop, you having sex with your boyfriend... embrace it! You've got nothing to be ashamed of. They accuse you of a, b, c, don't blush, don't deny it, say 'Ya, so?" Their positions can easily argued against if you think about it a little bit.

This approach might mean an earlier exit from your parent's house so that's a downside. Rather than living with the Inquisition, really might be time for you to leave.

While moving out will be a quick fix, it is only a bandaid. You mom's opinion will not change, she will just not be able to monitor you. She will still bring it up, even though you moved out.

My mom and I have a difference of opinion regarding sex, and she has tried to bring up the topic (in a negative light) even though I was no longer living at home. It got to a point where I had to tell her that she had a decision to make: Did she want to keep talking about sex and trying to force her opinion on me....OR did she want a relationship with me.

Talking to my mom about my feelings and our relationship fixed a lot of our problems. Moving out and talking about sex itself just escalated it further.

My advice is to have a sit down conversation with your mom. Tell her that she raised you to make smart decisions and trust the you are making smart decisions. By shaming you, it is not changing your opinion of sex, but ruining the relationship with your mom. If she wants to have a good relationship with you, then she has to accept your decisions, even though she doesn't agree. If she chooses not to, then inevitably your relationship will get worse and worse until you barely talk or see each other anymore.

Try to talk about this now and focus on your feelings and you and your moms relationship. Otherwise, this is something you will inevitably fight about again, regardless where you live.

This so much . Moving out will solve the annoyance of this one situation, but it is not the ultimate solution here. You’re going to have to figure out how to set boundaries in your relationship with her regardless of where you live.

If you had not moved out, you would not have had the leverage of removing yourself from your mother's life. If you're living at home, the parent has the leverage - even if you can leave, you've demonstrated you won't, and they can continue to harass and control you and your behavior. The absolute best thing is to move out - show her mother that the behavior is unacceptable, and you then have the power to have a conversation with her and say "I've already moved out. Either stop this nonsense, or I just won't talk to you or see you".

Exactly! I thought she was going to say Mom found her c0ck ring and 14-inch vibrating dildo. Condoms and lube? "Walgreens, Mom." Guarantee she'd still get a lecture, but Mom wouldn't be able to accuse OP of jezebel-ing her BF by taking him to a flipping drug store. Unless OP can "poison his mind with perverse thoughts of other women" by taking him to the tampon aisle. Or "manipulate
him to fulfill [her] sexual desires" by picking up some shampoo. This woman is whom the information diet was made for. Give her enchiladas filled with NADA, OP.

Time to move out. Your mum isn’t going to think of you as an independent adult until you actually leave the nest and she misses you and starts evaluating her behaviour in order to get you to visit more often.

Your plan needs to be to leave and to enjoy your 20’s which are about to start. Don’t visit mum every single day even if she asks but don’t drop out of her life completely. She’ll treat you with more respect to your boundaries after some time apart.

If you are able to move out then you should definitely do that. Your mom sexually harassed you. She violated your trust and privacy and insinuated you’re as gross as a pedophile (???). She can tell you she doesn’t approve of you having sex in her house but beyond that is none of her business.

I understand it’s embarrassing but you need to address this. By hiding in your room you’re showing her that you’re (in her mind) rightly shamed. I would calmly and respectfully tell her that your sex life is none of her business and her violating that boundary in the future could result in fracturing your relationship.

I know this makes my mom look really bad but she’s not a horrible person she’s done so much for me and I appreciate everything she’s done for me.

This sentence right here is exactly the same sentence many, many victims of partner abuse use all the time.

It makes your mom look bad because she is bad. Sorry OP, I wish it weren't this way (I'm sure you do too), but that's the way it appears to be.

She tried to gas-light and manipulate you, and then when that didn't work, she went with the "middle school bully" routine and ran around to your family telling them lies (lies because I'm 200% certain that when your mom told your relatives, she stretched the truth, exaggerated what she wanted and downplayed what she didn't).

It's despicable and she should be ashamed of herself.

Anyway I guess what I’m asking is how do I get out of this house asap? Am I overreacting? I just need advice right now.

I think you should leave, yes, but you don't have to jump head first into it.

To your mother...
“Mom, why are you so obsessed with my sex life with my partner? So much so you violate a boundary and go through my things. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and is also incredibly inappropriate.”

Also had a zealous "Christian" mother who was WAY to obsessed with my sex life. She made it clear that I was to remain "pure" until marriage and that people who watched porn or had premarital sex were evil (even though she herself did both..). I've been No Contact with her for 5+ years now, happiest I've ever been.

There's nothing wrong with you, and how she went berserk on you was absolutely horrendous, especially now that you're an adult. It's ok to appreciate the good she has done for you, but I think this is severe enough to call her a horrible person (who suggests their child is a paedo for watching porn and outs them to the whole family??). Her job as a mother is to be loving, to raise you well and keep you alive; what she did is NOT what a good mother would do and was quite abusive and psychotic.

When you get out, definitely keep that toxicity at arms length (if at all) and keep her on an info diet.

I'll preface this by saying I'm a Christian and I have traditional views on premarital sex. I am also a big believer in living authentically, and that your life is your own to live as you see fit. It doesn't do anything for you spiritually to outwardly go through the motions of sexual abstinence if that's not where your heart is. If you have no religious reasons for not having sex, why shouldn't you? You're parents may not agree with it, but God gave this life and body to you to live your own life and make your own choices. This is the time of your life when you are building an identity and morals independent from the ones your parents (intentionally or unintentionally) brought you up in. Test everything and hold on to what is good. I am glad that you respect your parents' edict to not get down under their roof, as obeying the rules of the house you live in is just common courtesy. But you are a grown ass adult legally, physically, and spiritually. Your sexual decisions outside of their home are between you, your consenting partner, and God (if you believe in him).

You are not over reacting. Your mom is a little wacked. I have 2 daughters 24 and 17 although we don't openly talk about our sex lives. We do talk about birth control and sex being a normal, natural beautiful thing.
Plus I wouldn't snoop through my grown daughters things.

Your mom is wack and that’s ok, my Grammy who raised me is also wack, still love her. It’s unfortunate this happened and I hope it doesn’t do any permanent damage to your relationship. Best advice is to move out ASAP and also to be completely financially independent or else you’ll never get her off your back and then inform your mother of your boundaries and if she does not respect them then she will not see you.

This is why our society has gotta stop encouraging/teaching kids that they will be taken care of for forever or even after they are 18. That’s when you become an adult and you should be prepared to be one and have your shit together by then so that you can ACTUALLY start living YOUR life instead of your parents. Parents are coddling their kids and then hanging shit over their heads and using it as an excuse to keep trying to mold them, snoop on them, baby them, steer them when that shit should be completed and parents should be confident that they did their job by the time they are 18. That way you can actually start being your own person without fear of your parents finding out anything that would make them mad.

Not hating on you or your parents! This is extremely common these days and it’s very uncommon for kids to move out on time. Not your fault or really your parents because it’s just become so widely accepted, but it is a problem.

"I've respected your wishes, Mom. We do not engage in sexual activity in your home, out of respect for you. But you need to respect my privacy and remember that we do not share the same views on sin, religion or sex. Please respect my privacy and I will continue to respect your personal views."

I'm sorry you find yourself in this uncomfortable situation when you were only being responsible. I dont have any advice for moving out, but I'd like to share that as unpleasant as this is, it could be just what you need for your mom to finally learn that you are an adult who makes their own decisions that are different from hers and that's okay.

I also grew up in a very Christian house (ive never identified with christianity). When I was 17 my mom found birth control in my room and picked me up from school to freak out about it. My whole family heard about it and I was so embarrassed and wanted nothing but to get away. She told me I could never live a fulfilled life or have a happy marriage because I had spoiled myself. Now I'm 26 and our relationship has been great for years. She sees that I am independent from her and it took an explosion of emotions for her to get to that point.

Its probably a good idea for you to move out. Just know that as awful has this feels right now your mom loves you and her freak out is probably just what she needs to get off her chest to come to terms. It's just a part of the process.

It wasn't fun, but even then I had separated myself enough from the super religious mindset that I knew that it was a ridiculous thing to say. I had supportive friends and I knew that despite how upset they were that my parents still loved me. I will never be like that to my children though, even if they make choices I find disturbing.

She just has different views and beliefs, which are fine, and having raised you she expects you to follow suit. I don't agree with that. I think at a certain age parents need to respect their children's choices and changes to their life style. She asked that you don't fool around in her house and you respected her wishes. I think there might be some overreacting on both sides here. I think you should try to make peace with your mom until you're ready to move out. Especially if you aren't paying her rent or dues. Just play nice and keep practicing safe sex.

She just has different views and beliefs, which are fine, and having raised you she expects you to follow suit. I don't agree with that. I think at a certain age parents need to respect their children's choices and changes to their life style. She asked that you don't fool around in her house and you respected her wishes. I think their might be some overreacting on both sides here. I think you should try to make peace with your mom until you're ready to move out. Especially if you aren't paying her rent or dues. Just play nice and keep practicing safe sex.

You said you were saving money to move out, right? Try not to jump the gun. Just try to move on as if nothing happened. And if it gets brought up again, engage in the conversation. ("Hey mom, which sex positions works for you?")I know this sounds REALLY WEIRD, but im almost positive that NO ONE will want to bring up that particular "sin" again. And if they try to flip it back on you ("why are you asking these questions?") then you flip it on them! ("Why is it ok to talk about my sex life, but not yours?") Sorry if this sounds convoluted. Hope this works out for you!

Everyone is telling you to get out and leave, but you mentioned that you are still saving to get out. Condoms and lube are pretty normal, you should have said "I stopped at walgreen/walmart and picked this up to use in the future when we are moved out and married", if you have kinkier things then you are probably pretty fucked. Another idea is to store those items someplace else(car trunk, friends house, etc) and keep like 2-3 condoms and a chap stick sized mini-bottle of lube in your purse. Don't change you plans to move out sooner unless you think this(her finding condoms/lube) might ruin your relationship. First stop having sex all the time, and move it to 1-2 times a week for longer periods of time. Tell your parents you are going to a "movie" and have sex at a cheap motel. There is also a cost benefit analysis Is saving money to move out worth more than the ability to have sex at home? I would say it is, you are young so having sex might seem more important, but having 2 extra grand in your bank account will really be worth it

now to address the second question, NO. You are fine, your sexuality is fine.you feel embarrassed and your mom feels embarrassed. At least you weren't caught in the act. THese is just a type of embarrassment you will have to endure. Are some people embarrassed to work at McDonald's? Yes, but they are doing it to better themselves. Are people embarrassed to have their sex life spread around? Yes, but you are doing it to save money and better yourself.

The embarrassment will go away, your mom won't change, move out when you are able. Don't put yourself in crippling debt because you are embarrassed.

I understand where youre coming from. Heres the sitch. You are an adult. you make your own decisions, if your mother seeks to control your life DO NOT LET HER, as it is your life. I realize you do not want to cut her out of your life and if that isnt something youre comfortable with then you dont need to. However, you need to make it clear to your mother that you are an independent person and you can think and feel for yourself, also it would be beneficial for you to stand up for yourself ( you can do this without yelling and starting an argument). There is a certain level of apathy that comes with this sort of thing and in this particular situation walling yourself off emotionally ( only in the sense that you dont let her words affect you) can be useful. It sounds like you are mature and in situations like this are always good! keep on keepin on and dont forget to be true to yourself, more than anything!

I think moving out would be a good idea. It's okay for your mom to have different views and want you to play by the "my house, my rules" deal.. But she really crossed the line with this one. As someone who also grew up with Christian parents and lived with them until age 23, I know that one of the worst feelings is being an adult, but still being treated like a little kid who "has no idea what they're getting into." But the level of shaming and accusing you of manipulating your boyfriend shows this goes a lot deeper than just that.

Don't doubt yourself. You and your boyfriend are doing everything totally right, are being safe, and I think it's awesome you're sexually open enough to visit a sex store together! My boyfriend and I do it all the time and it's a great bonding/communication exercise.

Don't be embarrassed. You're being responsible and healthy. She has different ideas about admitting to one's sexuality. I know my mom grew up with the idea that even admitting you liked sex made you basically a slut. It makes me sad that she lived like that, and I have rejected that way of thinking for myself.

Don't lock your door, don't be embarrassed. You can tell your mom "I have so much respect for the way you raised me and your values, but I've made my own choices about my sexuality. I understand it's not what you want for me, and I am respectful of the fact that you don't want me to have sex here."

You're an adult now, not just a kid. You don't need to defend your actions to her, you only have to respect her rules in her house. Even if she's angry and upset, you can respond by being respectful but private.

I think we might be long-lost sisters, OP, because I swear you’re talking about my mom. Same rules, same reasoning. The summer I was 20, she found a pair of handcuffs in my room and told me I was a disgusting rapist and that if she ever found anything like that again, I’d have to find somewhere else to live. Obviously, being called a rapist/pedophile/pervert by someone you love sucks balls. I’m feeling for ya. I tried to talk to her about it, but she couldn’t have a calm conversation about it, and I backed down. I basically told her she had a right to her opinions, but that my sex life was my business and that if she ever wanted to have a rational discussion about consent, I’d be happy to talk to her about it or send her some articles. I did tell her that calling me a rapist was incredibly hurtful and out of bounds. She was a little chastened by that and didn’t bring it up again, and I found a better hiding spot for my sex stuff. We never talked about it after that. I figure there’s got to be a reason why her views on this are so strong, and whether it’s a good reason or not, it’s not something I can change.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this, OP. It sounds like you’re on your way to getting your own place and finding the privacy you need, but since you still have to live with your mom for the time being, you might want to consider sitting down with her and explaining why her actions in this situation were not okay. Your mom has a right to set rules for her house, even if they’re irrational, but you are an adult and she shouldn’t be poking through your stuff or sharing what she finds. You’re an adult; you have a right to privacy, and you have a right to decide if, when, and how you’re intimate with your BF, just like she has the right to tell you not to do it in the house. (Side note: my mom had the same rule. I kind of get it, but I don’t. Wouldn’t you rather your kid have sex in the house than in a public bathroom or a sketchy motel? I respected it, though, and had a whole bunch of woods sex, until one afternoon when I tied my GF up to a tree and almost had a very awkward experience with a pair of hunters and a deer who will probably never be the same).

Yeah, you wanting to leave is common sense. Leave this woman's house ASAP, she will never treat you with common decency--common decency includes "not snooping into your things" and "not forcing her opinions on your private life."

She said I was poisoning his mind with perverse thoughts of other women by taking him there.

Your mum has some issues with massively internalised misogyny. I would want out as well. It's really effed up (no pun intended) to try and shame you like something out of the 1800s and telling the rest of the family was not cool.

Don't hide in your room. If anyone mentions what your mom said ask them how they would feel if all their personal life was revealed by their parents. It's fine to say your mom was being an asshole.

Do not discuss your private/sex life with your mom again, ever. There is no point in having this discussion. "In view of your previous actions, we will never be discussing my private life again".

I know this makes my mom look really bad but she’s not a horrible person

You really don't get that revealing your private life to your friends and relatives is the act of a horrible person. You only need to read your story to realise that she is continually shaming you over sex.

How do I get out of this house asap?

You need to become a student at university so you can get student loans and accommodation, or get a job to pay rent somewhere else. If your boyfriend really likes you, you could really piss your mother off by moving in with him. Make sure you have all your personal papers (SSN, Birth certificate and Passport) and that your mother has no access to any bank accounts of yours before you go.

Am I overreacting?

Nope you're not overreacting.

Do however bear in mind that leaving home is a big step and you should both plan it and consider whether you really need to do it before you do so.

You are a perfectly normal (and seemingly level headed), individual, and you're also at the appropriate age for your experiences.

Your mum is a little out there and I would definitely move out soon. The fact that she blames you and calls you all those nasty names like a pedophile etc... is telling if her character. I don't want to bad mouth your mother. I know where you're coming from, as my family is equally religious and I still feel guilt from having sex and not being married at my age!

Live your life responsibly. And please do not let this deter you from a relationship with christ/God. However you choose to define God is not important, but what is important is that you have Him in your life. Good luck.

My mom did that same thing when I was young. I was a minor when it happened so it caused me to sneak around and lie about where I was, but your an adult. That is completely crazy she was even going through your stuff! I don't care if you live in her house, its your body and she doesn't have any right to try to control you like that.

You need to work on moving out ASAP. That kind of toxic environment isn't healthy, and I doubt it's going to get better anytime soon. Putting some distance between yourselves and establishing an unambiguous boundary should drive home the message that you're a woman now, not a little girl. It might also alleviate some of the religious tension that exists since there'll be less interpersonal friction, and you'll definitely enjoy the newfound privacy. Sure she'll probably complain about you in your absence, but you deserve better, and not enduring the harrassment is absolutely worth it.

My mother is LDS, and she fully respects my decision to drink coffee/tea/alcohol ( 23M open exmo). The very least your mother could do is not rummage through your things to find something to complain about.

Above all else, remember that you're not obliged to please your mom. If she can't accept you for who you are, that's on her; you just keep being you. Hell if things get extreme estrangement is a perfectly valid response. That's the case with my Nfather (lifelong anti-theist; it's complicated). Haven't heard from him or seen his face in years, and I'm glad he's out of my life. I've made so much of mine while he lives his single life elsewhere. He lost my love long ago, and I don't consider him family. "Honor thy father and mother" can jump in a ravine for all I care, family for me is all about the relationship and bond, not about blood. And don't let anyone guilt you for your feelings or otherwise compel you because of your blood relation.

No here is where she did several horrible things in a row and you have every right to A. Be mad she's disrespected the trust you had in her. B. Cut off her access to information. C. Set firm boundaries that will likely upset her but she has shown she can't be trusted. You do need to leave ASAP and you need to make sure she has no access to your money, your phone etc. You're underreacting to be honest.

Your mom sounds very out of touch with reality, I hope you are able to move out soon. So unhealthy she is jumping from you watching porn to being a freakin pedophile... almost makes me worry what’s going on in her brain.

Whatever happens, I really hope you can repair your relationship with your family, even though your mom is off her rocker.

You're not the one who should be ashamed. This is twisted and abusive. You're being a responsible adult, and I don't think she can say the same. You should be proud of yourself, but definitely keep that toxic nonsense at arms reach. That's beyond religious behavior, and you don't have to justify your porn habits to anyone. You mom sounds like she needs therapy.

Keep saving up and get the hell out of there. Your egg donor is an abusive psycho, not a mother.

If you can live with your boyfriend or a friend momentarily, please make an arrangement to do so. If not - fake a smile while you quietly squirrel away money as quickly as possible. Once you do, leave and never look back.

Clearly, your mom's religious beliefs are causing her to be very, very afraid for your well-being. Your attitude towards sex sounds healthy for an atheist, especially one at your age. You are concerned about std's and pregnancy (the ultimate STD), and you are only sexually active with your boyfriend for now.

But your mom earnestly and truly believes that the wages of sin are death, that Satan is real, and that a young lady that engages in premarital sex is living a life that will lead her straight to hell.

Small wonder that, out of sheer desperation, upon discovering all of her worst fears realized, that she attempts to shame you into obedience.

You are understandably embarrassed by this... but your embarrassment is out of integrity with your convictions. You are doing nothing wrong, have been doing nothing wrong, and so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Never let the actions and feelings of another dictate your own. Be proud of everything you do, because that which you hide out of shame is simply not worth doing.

The shame you feel because of your mother's violation of your boundaries was taught to you by her.

Let it go.

Of course you have to move out, but do so with the same responsibility that you have approached your sexuality. And respond to this situation with the same level of maturity. Be disappointed that your mom has chosen to violate your privacy. Let her know that you no longer trust her, and that you will not feel safe in confiding with her because she has chosen to attempt to manipulate you into conforming to her wishes, rather than simply relying on the strength and quality of her ideas.

This is a use of force, and if you must use force to convince someone your idea is a good one, the idea isn't very good.

But the same is true for you. While your life is private, you should be proud of it. You should not feel embarrassed or ashamed that you are comfortable enough with sex that you can orgasm, and have healthy boundaries with your partner. You don't need to broadcast this, but if everyone knows, let them ask questions and answer them. Maybe those answers will be what they need to develop this same healthy attitude for themselves.

I mean, this might be gross but... if this is your mom's attitude towards sex, I can't imagine she has a good sex life. That makes me feel bad for her. She has a bunch of weird hangups about sex and she's willing to do some very unethical things to force those same hangups onto you.

Did Jesus teach her to Snoop through your belongings?

I would face them all. Like a lioness, stand up for yourself. Face their ridicule head on and explain to them in great detail why their attitude is unhealthy. Get clear on why your way works for you and is best for you, and why their way is not the way you want to live your life.

Because the second you start acting like you don't have to fucking impress them, they might start wondering if they need to instead impress you.

As for moving out. You should. Living on your own teaches you just how easy it is for adults to make mistakes, so it will teach you to appreciate your parents even when they act batshit crazy, because you realize that all of that crazy was for you, while they were doing the hard work of trying to survive and live their own best lives.

Parenting is about sacrifice. Your mom sees this situation as her failure in keeping you safe. She is exposing her own failures out of desperation, because she disagrees with your understanding of the world. This is love, expressed toxically, because it is distorted by dogmatic thinking. You can balance rejection of dogmatism with compassion and respect for a parents love.

I know this makes my mom look really bad but she’s not a horrible person she’s done so much for me and I appreciate everything she’s done for me.

Doing "so much" for your children is not something special. It is normal and a given. It is what parents are supposed to do. And parents are also NOT supposed to do what your mother has done. She is horrible and you need to leave the house.

What I have learned so far is almost anything can be solved with words when it comes to social disputes. The power of verbal communication is so strong if you have the right mindset and know the right words to say. Seeing how she tried to have a conversation with you in the first place tells me that she is somewhat sensible even tho she said mean things to you.

In my opinion you should tell her about how her actions have made you felt. Try to make her understand your perspective. The truth hurts sometimes when they are spoken so be sure to say that you care about your relationship or else you wouldn't have talked to her in the first place. This requires social maturity tho and a serious attitude/conviction when u speak. I hope things will work out for you. Much love from your fellow redditor.

You’re not overreacting, your mother shouldn’t have been going through your stuff in the first place, even if you live with her she’s not entitled to know every detail about your life and it’s a gross violation of privacy. I would try to move out as soon as you can, not only are your values incompatible with your family but they’ve now proven themselves untrustworthy about your personal belongings.

Your mom was wrong to go through your things, wrong to confront you about your private life, and wrong to tell the family. You are not doing anything wrong and while she may have different values, you are an adult.

I think you are right to want to move out. Even putting aside your mom being an ass, it's hard for people to live together when they have vastly different values. Especially when it's parents and kids.

It will be easier to set boundaries when you live in your own place as you can always leave. It sounds like you get along with your mom in other ways and boundaries are a great way to maintain that. If she tries to talk to you about your sex life you can decline to discuss it and simply leave if she keeps pressing it. But you can't do that while you're living there.

Your mom has some really unhealthy and false views of sex. It's very sad for her and for you. However, if you are still living with her, you have to follow her rules and be resepectful of her views.

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Just hide your stuff a lot better. Lie. Clear your browser history. Maybe keep the condoms and lube in your boyfriend's car or at his place. Don't feel bad about lying to your mom about your sex life. You are an adult and it's not her business. She is clearly not a trustworthy person for you to confide in regarding sexuality. From now on, your sex life is your business. There is no reason that your mother needs to know anything about your sex life.

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Good for you for being responsible. Think about other forms of birth control. Condoms break. Sometimes they slip off during sex and you won't notice until it's too late. I'm 33, and I can't count how many condoms have failed me.

In case of you gonna move out and you wanna go full havoc on her here is little list:

-let your boyfriend build an st andrews cross with ties, buy some cheap wipes etc and go to your local butcher and ask for bucket of pork blood. Drown that room in blood that even slayer would be envy

-idk if you are white but here in reddit there is a pictre of white girl. pictured from behind with the letters wh-re written on her btt the o is form by an insert Orange in her sphincter. Photoshp yourself on that pic "hide" it and let a bowl of oranges stand on your table in your room

-buy a book in a foreign language they can't read mongolian f.e. plus a demonic looking book cover and hide that praperated book in your room

I know I will get down voted like hell, but hey when the ship sinks why not having fun while you can.

This is why I am so weary of religious people. In their efforts to be good and holy they don't realize how close-minded and judgemental they can sometimes become. They can't think outside the box. err...Outside the Book, I should say lol

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Do you have any older siblings?

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Maybe you can initiate a conversation with her after she's cooled down. Or, if you'd prefer, write a well thought out letter for her. Let her know how judgemental, hurtful, and humiliating she was. Sounds like she's afraid of you growing up, which is fine but invading your privacy and using scare tactics to control and manipulate you is beneath her.

Don't lock yourself away in shame that she put on you. You don't have to own what people try to make you feel guilty for. You get to choose your own path and you should brazenly stand up and own it. Announce your entrance into the room boldly. "THE WHORE OF BABYLON HAS ARRIVED!!" 😂😂😂

There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality and there's eveyything wrong with snoping and sharing information that's not yours to share. I'm so sorry your Mom did this to you, she should be the one who is ashamed.

It does sound like a good time to exercise yoir independence. Good luck!

She sees it as her house her rules. She will go through your stuff wether you want her to or not. The best thing you can do is just to what you're already doing. As long as you live under her roof she'll apply that line of thinking.

Well, it is embarrassing. I don’t know many people who have never watched porn. Maybe one girl & she’s an outlier. Your mom is too much. She snooped and didn’t even keep this pretty personal finding between just you and her. The rest of the family definitely knows not to share with her anymore. Mom tried to shame you. To be honest, it’s embarrassing to even listen to a mother talk about your sex life. It’s just not table talk. Your mom makes me cringe. She should be more worried about her own sex life or lack thereof.
This will blow over. There’s not a male that I know who doesn’t watch porn here or there or got curious.
My friend snooped in my room once and found my toys. She told me many months later. She was embarrassed that she found it, but she needed to get it off her chest. I would have reacted if I were 19 yo again, but I was 30. And my skin is thicker.
You could try better hiding places, but it really comes down to mom not looking through your things.
I’m also the “tech” person in the family. I have not called out my parents for freezing their iPads or iphones due to their shenanigans. Haha, I hate that I stumble upon it. Give it time. Mom just found out your sex life is more interesting than hers.

Well, didn't you get the memo? You're a woman, so by default the only value you can offer is when you're pure and chaste. You should have thought of that when you pressed the devil's doorbell and led that poor, innocent boy astray. Now you're damaged goods...I hope it was worth it.

Even if the entire rest of your family is super Christian, I somehow doubt they care enough about you having sex, especially if you're being safe. I get the embarrassment, but what you do, porn, condoms, lube, it's all 100% normal. Of course you never want your mom screaming from the rooftops about it, but I think that says a lot about her and makes her look like the batty one. You are being mature and safe in how you handle your sexual activities and are respecting her requests to not do anything in her house, that's more than most people at 19 can say. The embarrassment will pass, and continue with your plan to move out soon. I'm sorry your mom is doing this.

The worst that you can do to yourself is to allow these people with outdated toughts and guilt-loving uninformed personalities to make you embarrassed. Don’t let it. Laugh their tantrums away because they are behaving like children.
Good that your family knows, guess who the younger generations are going to come for advice.

Funny that she speaks of pedofilia when several priests seem to be acused of it on a daily basis.

You are having protected consensual sex, that’s healthier than many of the sex happening in the bible.

I don't think you will hear this here, but I really understand where your mom is coming from. Whether her view is the right one for you depends on what kind of life you want for yourself. It sounds like your family is a close knit, stable traditional family. If you want to follow in your mom's footsteps, then obviously follow her advice.

You need to consider what she is saying, sexual experimentation can turn into a slippery slope for some people, although not for everybody. There can be scenarios where a person keeps wanting to try something new when the new becomes old. She is also right that when you join a man in looking at certain sexual imageries of women, you want to be careful that they are still grounded in reality (really hard to do once the can of worms opens). There are men who want the real women in their lives to mimic the sexualized images of women that is sold to them online or in sex shops.

These are the nuances that your mom is trying to communicate with you that she maybe is not doing effectively. But do consider the possibility that there maybe truth to what she says.

I think people tend to give advice based on the liberated experiment, enjoy yourself type of view but real life does have consequences.

There can be scenarios where a person keeps wanting to try something new when the new becomes old.

Or maybe that's just how some people are? Sexuality comes in all flavors.

The whole idea of experimenting is to figure out who you are and what you want. It doesn't make people one thing or another. It just helps make sure they don't get stuck in something they don't want.

Maybe OP and her bf will discover they are very compatible, or maybe they won't be, but at least they'll know early on.

She is also right that when you join a man in looking at certain sexual imageries of women, you want to be careful that they are still grounded in reality (really hard to do once the can of worms opens). There are men who want the real women in their lives to mimic the sexualized images of women that is sold to them online or in sex shops.

Whether they do it as a couple or not, there are almost no men, and few women, who don't watch porn. It is incredibly common and the myths about the damage it can do are just that. If it were so harmful we would have seen an explosion of sexual issues with the advent of the internet. Instead it has been the opposite.

Couple enjoying porn together can be a nice part of a healthy sex life.

Her mother going through her belongings and accusing her of being a pedophile is absolutely a big deal, and goes way beyond being old fashioned. This comment is incredibly minimizing of an unacceptable behavior her mother is engaging in.

The only thing thats not typical parental behavior is calling her a pedophile

And the part about her mother calling her a pervert and poisoning her boyfriends mind? The part about her being manipulative to fulfill her sexual desires? The part about her telling her family about her "sins"?

Because she is making up stuff to abuse her daughter. She is not politely educating her about healthy sex relationships and respect or suggesting she wait until marriage. She is calling her daughter a manipulative pervert. How is that okay?

Mayne OP shpuldnt bring stuff like that into her parents hkme knowing her mom has that personality?

Also that's called victim blaming. That's like saying "maybe she wouldn't have gotten hit if she didn't speak out of her turn. She know that's her abusive husband's personality". That's not okay. Her mother's reaction was wrong.

Did we read the same thing? Her mother said she was poisoning her boyfriend’s mind. None of this is normal, and I’m concerned for you if you think it is. This wasn’t a reasonable, appropriate, or normal way for her mother to address this situation or her feelings about her daughter’s sexuality.

Theres no normal way to do it redditors are the most over dramatic folk ever

Dude shes 19 she already knows enough about sex and whats normal in our society and not it may be a less than ideal response but does it really mean anything? Keep doing your sex thing why would it matter what your parents think about it anyway