For couples: How to talk about money

Many financial articles begin, “Start by talking about money with your spouse, partner or fiancé.” Much of the advice from financial professionals also begins this way. It may be, “You should talk about money and then …

How do you talk about money with a spouse, partner or fiance?

The problem is that the first step is much easier said than done: talk about money. If people can’t discuss money, they won’t make it to later steps with their personal finances: budgeting, cut back on spending, find ways to save more, visit a financial planner, etc.

Generally, couples don’t understand the basics of how to talk about money. Money is the number one source of couples’ arguments. Many people will say that they’d find it easier to talk about sex versus money!

On the other hand, when couples sit down to make a budget, they may knowingly hide debt, assets or income. There are many stories of couples getting married without sharing how much debt they have. It’s understandable because:

In cases where couples don’t go through a formal premarital program and do their own marriage prep, it can be very difficult to talk about money. That’s true for newlyweds. It’s also true for married couples who have never or rarely talked about money and now need to because it’s time to plan for retirement, etc.

Regardless, it’s easier to tell someone to sit down and talk about money with your partner versus actually having that conversation.

4 Tips to Talk about Money and Family Finances; Financial Conversation Starters

We recommend that married, engaged or dating couples (or family members or business partners), use Money Habitudes cards. The tool is a proven, fun way to start the conversation about money. However, even without using the cards, here are a few tips about how to talk about money. They help couples (a) actually broach the difficult subject, (b) share financial information honestly, (c) understand and respect each other better.

Admit the awkwardness. Start by acknowledging to your spouse or partner that talking about money can feel awkward, but it builds trust and lays a stronger foundation for your relationship.

Pick the right time and place. When getting started, give yourself the advantage of a time and place where you can relax. Planning a quiet evening over a relaxing dinner or coffee and dessert is a good start. It certainly beats trying to talk about your spending right after fighting about the credit card bill. Many couples who are successful with their finances set a regular “money date” that may be once a month, once a quarter or a few times a year. Try to avoid, “We need to talk about our money right now!”

Reminisce. An easy way to begin is to just share your memories and have a fun, open conversation. Try these conversation starters:

Remember the first time you bought something with your own money? What did you buy? How did you get the money?

What was your first job and what did you do with your money?

How did you get money as a child and a teen?

What did you learn from your religion about money?

Growing up, how was money talked about in your home? Who paid the bills? How were big financial decisions made?

If there were arguments about money when you were growing up, what caused them and how were you involved?

How would you know when your parents disagreed about money?

When you were a kid, did you think you were richer or poorer than your friends or relatives

A simple conversation like this proves that you can talk about money in a constructive way. Then you can move on to more concrete topics later on: What expenses do we cut out this month? How much money will we need to retire? How can we fix our credit?

Clarify expectations. How do you both define what it would take for you to feel financially secure? How do you both feel about giving to your church, charities or to help friends and family? How much debt are each of you comfortable having month-to-month? What lifestyle do both of you project having in five years?