Oh, where do I even begin to tell you about this adventure of mine. All of a sudden, Timmy is a huge fan of Harry Potter. I mean that’s all I hear about, Harry Potter this, Harry Potter that. He’s wearing all kinds of goofy shit and watching movies and reading books. So apparently there are 10 books and 8 movies. Well, there is some controversy over the number of books but he says it’s 10 and I have no reason to argue. Halfway between 8 and 10 is 9. Who am I to argue with that kind of logic?

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/29/harry-potter/feed/0loghry33Lord Of The Ringshttps://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/lord-of-the-rings/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/lord-of-the-rings/#respondFri, 07 Mar 2014 19:02:02 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/lord-of-the-rings/Larry's Journal: Well I see some of you are still reading my journal entries. I appreciate entertaining you. Hopefully, this makes your Friday at work a little more enjoyable. This day was just utterly ridiculous. Here’s how it went. 3:30 p.m. I left work early to pick the kids up from…]]>

Well I see some of you are still reading my journal entries. I appreciate entertaining you. Hopefully, this makes your Friday at work a little more enjoyable. This day was just utterly ridiculous. Here’s how it went.

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/lord-of-the-rings/feed/0loghry33Ash Wednesdayhttps://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/06/ash-wednesday/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/06/ash-wednesday/#respondThu, 06 Mar 2014 17:56:40 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/06/ash-wednesday/Larry's Journal: Oh boy, where do I even begin about today. It was definitely unforgettable to say the least. Susan being ridiculous and putting up with the devil children. Here’s how the day went. 5:30 p.m. I come home from happy hour, feeling extremely pleasant. I walk through the door and…]]>

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/06/ash-wednesday/feed/0loghry33Convenience Storehttps://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/convenience-store/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/convenience-store/#respondTue, 04 Mar 2014 21:12:34 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/convenience-store/Larry's Journal: So there’s a convenience store on my way to work everyday. It’s the only damn one so it pretty much has a monopoly over my money. Since I’m far too lazy to drive out of the way to avoid it. The owner is a real dick dart. It’s like…]]>

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/convenience-store/feed/0loghry33Day At The Parkhttps://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/03/day-at-the-park/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/03/day-at-the-park/#respondMon, 03 Mar 2014 16:01:56 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/03/day-at-the-park/Larry's Journal: Oh, what did I get myself into? This day was absolute hell. Let me tell you about this particular Saturday. 9:00 a.m. Piss drunk from pounding a liter of the ‘livet last night. All of a sudden I’m getting smacked in the face repeatedly as I hear, “one, two,…]]>

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/03/day-at-the-park/feed/0loghry33How To Politely Insult Peoplehttps://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/how-to-politely-insult-people/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/how-to-politely-insult-people/#commentsSat, 22 Feb 2014 21:41:28 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/?p=145]]>This is one of the greatest skills that has been handed down to the generations. Everyone has friends or acquaintances that need to be put in their place, but the relationship is important enough you don’t want to scream “HEY JACKSLAP, SHUT YOUR FLAPHOLE!” So, an art form came about starting in the days of the earliest cavemen, where they would drop giant boulders directly next to their colleague’s head. Or draw dirty funny pictures of them on the cave wall. Or rip off their loin cloth in front of the tribal beauty. So as not to kill them, but let them to know they needed to zip it or be fed to a woolly mammoth. It has since evolved through the ages. I mean, sometimes people just need to be told they’re stupid. It’s the way of the world. So, here are some ways to politely insult someone:

Use A Smiley Or A JK

Yes, this only works via written communication but it’s always a classic. You can say, “You are literally dumber than Corky from Life Goes On. Let me grab you a helmet before you go out in public. :).” The smiley face makes it ok. Or “Hey fatchops, have another ice cream cone you big floppy disk! hah! jk bro.” These are a replacement for using the old school method of prefacing your statement with “With all due respect…” That’s so 1995. If they get upset anyway, you can say, “Hey dude, I used a smiley, what’s the big deal? It makes it ok.” If they’re still upset tell them to stop being a sissface and sack up. This is the real world.

Straw Man

These are classic, make a ridiculous statement to make their statement sound absurd. Timeless. Like when some snooty stuck up goody two shoes cries about the legalization of marijuana. Then you reply, “Yeah, what a shitty place to live, where everybody is happy and nice, and creates jobs for junk food manufacturers. Creates world renown art and music. Cartels lose business. Absolutely horrific, like reliving Sodom and Gomorrah.” “Oh yeah, maybe after we go shopping at the mall I can go attach my limbs to horses and scream FREEDOM William Wallace style. Sounds like a blast!” “So stoked for the new Nicholas Sparks film, maybe right before you can take a taser to my gooch for half an hour. It’ll be electrifying!” “You ordered a salad for lunch, cool man. Maybe later you’d like to go get mani/pedi’s, drink wine coolers, plug in a scentsy, and have a wrap party! Or a nice cab sav in a hot tub with your bff’s?” “I hope they don’t let gay people get married, before you know it they’ll try to be teaching my kids male T-Rex’s used to do it with each other, people will be able to hump live animals on Nickelodeon, leather chapless ass parades will fill every small town street, and Patrick will admit his masturbatory fantasies for Sponge Bob. It’ll be anarchy!” It’s the small things in life.

Sarcasm Sarcasm Sarcasm

Oh, these are the best. Nothing like telling someone at work, “Wow, I admire your hard work and determination, thank you so much for being an inspiration. You can make any simple task look so difficult, and yet you always find a way to complete it on time without complaining.” “Man, I’m so glad you introduced me to turkey bacon. You’re right, it is better than the real thing! <fart>” Unfortunately, most of the time your target is such a dolt the context flies over their head faster than Maverick buzzing the tower. But usually those around you catch on and have a good chuckle. It’s a win.

The Redirect

Very similar to other techniques, but this one is done with short one liners. Back-handed compliments if you will. Like, “Hey, you don’t sweat much for being so huge.” “Wow, I can barely see that massive gap in your teeth, the dentist did a fine job.” “Man, usually I can smell you in the other room when you go to the bathroom, well done.” “You’re a lot smarter than I thought you were.” “Can’t believe you said something that hilarious.” “Hey, you want this shirt? It’s way too big for me.” “I wish I had the confidence to wear that.” “You’re so lucky you don’t have to worry about paying bills.” “It’s so refreshing to meet someone who doesn’t care about their appearance.” These are always self-pleasing. They’ll keep you giggling all day long.

As you can see, these are not all separate and many of them overlap. They are fantastic though, but practice before using them. Don’t look like a tool, or you may have a few thrown back in your face. Now I can’t go on giving away all of my tricks. I may have used one or two on you. These are the finer things in life, that make it enjoyable. Outside of family and your children of course. Unfortunately, this world requires interacting with others, and sometimes those others happen to be buffoons. Make it fun, or you will suffer. Trust me. But if you had some good laughs and would like many more, feel free to like the Facebook page and share the good times with your friends.

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/how-to-politely-insult-people/feed/1loghry33Five Greatest Movie Characters, Ever!https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/five-greatest-movie-characters-ever/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/five-greatest-movie-characters-ever/#respondSat, 22 Feb 2014 19:00:52 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/?p=131]]>You might think this is a subjective list, but nothing could be further from the truth. I happen to be an expert on movie characters and these are undisputed facts. Many are deserving, but only five can make the cut. Here they are:

5. Hannibal Lecter – Silence of the Lambs

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.” One of the most sinister yet likable guys ever. I’d hang out with that dude. Well educated, refined, and just happens to like to eat people, but I could look past it. Ok, no I couldn’t, he’s creepy as hell.

4. The Dude – The Big Lebowski

“Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.” This man is responsible for my love of white russians. He’s the ultimate slacker and underachiever. All he wants is his rug back.

3. Tyler Durden – Fight Club

“Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” This guy is straight up as real as it gets (pun intended). He’s cool, good looking, smart, ridiculously ripped, and he’s the version of you that you’ve always wanted to be. What’s not to like?

2. Darth Vader – Star Wars

“Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.” Greatest Jedi to ever live, that alone should be enough. He force chokes people and he sounds just like James Earl Jones. The ultimate villain. Who else would have the balls to throw the emperor into the Death Star’s reactor? BAMF!

1. Doc Holliday – Tombstone

“Evidently Mr. Ringo’s an educated man. Now I really hate him.” Drunk and suffering from tuberculosis he’s still the baddest outlaw ever. He speaks Latin too. This dude straight up tells a guy that he’s so drunk he sees two of everything and he’ll just shoot both of him. He’s the greatest combination of alcoholic/killer/philosopher/master of retorts. Ultimate badass points awarded.

If you don’t agree with this list you’re wrong. That’s all there is to it. But feel free to tell me why I’m wrong in the comments. Look forward to hearing from you.

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/five-greatest-movie-characters-ever/feed/0loghry335 Cool Things About Being Poorhttps://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/5-cool-things-about-being-poor/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/5-cool-things-about-being-poor/#respondSat, 22 Feb 2014 16:16:59 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/?p=140]]>Everybody always talks about getting rich. There are all kinds of books, seminars, webinars, blah blah blah. They tell you the same things over and over. Work hard, be good with money, network, have great ideas, <insert common sense>. Well I started thinking, “There has to be at least a few cool things about being poor. I mean, who has ever made a pro/con list that didn’t have any “pros” at all on it? Maybe if Hitler was on a ballot?” So here are five things I thought are cool about being poor:

5. YOU GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT RICH PEOPLE

Don’t you get all high and mighty on me. Democrats have this topic on lockdown, but only because third generation poor Republicans don’t say it in public. There is nothing better than sitting back and bashing the 1% over a six pack of the beast, am I right? I mean you can pretty much get away with saying anything about them, and if they retaliate they are lambasted publicly. If they would pay you more, you could be rich too. You definitely know how to spend their money better than they ever could. They cheat the system and are born two steps ahead of everyone. The best times are talking about the hypothetical businesses you could have built if your parents had handed you a million dollars of start up money. They don’t know anything about working hard, they just sit around swimming in their ill gotten gains like Scrooge McDuck. That is entertainment gold for a Saturday night eating Kraft mac n cheese in your 1,000 sq ft house that you rent from a rich person.

4. GETTING PAID TO GO TO COLLEGE

If you know what a Pell Grant is then you know what I’m talking about. If you think being crushed by an angry mob on Black Friday is bad you just go to any college campus the day financial aid checks come in. It’s like the running of the T-Rex’s. I mean, why would you only borrow or take grants for just enough to cover your tuition and books? That would be plain silly. Then you wouldn’t be rich for a week after getting a check that’s double your actual costs. You can throw the greatest parties on earth, buy good beer, replace your dumpster mattress with a kick ass futon, upgrade your gaming console, definitely not invest in anything, and buy a grocery cart full of steaks to cook on your brand new grill. If a study on this existed, it would definitely show a correlation between financial aid checks and 12 day black out benders that must be reconstructed through photographic evidence. Greatest times of your life that you’ll pay for in perpetuity.

3. NOBODY EXPECTS GIFTS FROM YOU

Oh boy, now we’re getting to the good stuff. There is nothing like the spoils of war when you’re poor at Christmas time. You don’t have to buy gifts for anyone and you simultaneously get to rake in the pity gifts. Parents and relatives slipping you extra cash when nobody is looking because they know you’re “struggling”. That’ll buy a couple of Blu-rays. You get the most leftovers after the big meal because everyone wants to make sure you are able to eat. Valentine’s Day? Cakewalk if you have a girlfriend. You can get away with just writing a note, as long as you’re smooth about it. Just write something good on it like, “your love is more valuable than all the money in the world”. No restaurant, no flowers, no expensive jewelry or purses, but your love will last an eternity. Birthdays? Golden. You can skate without bringing a gift, especially at big birthdays where you will draw less attention to yourself. Plus you will usually get a meal, or at least some cake. If you happen to score big, there is beer there. You just have to stay one step less drunk than the drunkest person at the party. To avoid embarrassing yourself and being called out as a mooch.

2. IT MAKES BLACK FRIDAY TEN TIMES MORE EXCITING

What is more exciting than knowing this is the only day you can possibly afford something? You spend weeks doing recon and preparing for battle. It happens to fall on a holiday break, so you are already loaded with food and have freed up some extra cash or cash equivalents on your balance sheet (come on, it’s an accounting blog). Then there’s the chase. If you have plenty of money and are just bargain hunting, sure it’s a rush, but if grandma has her hand on the cheap toaster oven first you’re going to let her take it. You’re not a monster. But if it’s your only shot at a toaster oven that year. Well, grandma is getting laid out with a clothesline, trampled ferociously, and trash talked worse than Billy Hoyle hurling insults at Flight and Willie. There are no rules when it’s all on the line. You’re either the guys in the skeleton costumes, or the weakling wearing a shower to a dance (what?). Little kids in the way? Rip technique. Shouldn’t be out shopping anyway. This is war and it’s more brutal than the Hunger Games. Then you get to go home and bask in the glory of all your new possessions at half the cost right before a glorious four hour nap on that new futon. It’s a beautiful day/night/morning.

And the number 1 thing coolest about being poor is…

1. YOU GET THE GREATEST CHEESE IN THE UNIVERSE

Yes, I said universe. Advanced alien civilizations in galaxies 10 light years away don’t know a damn thing about what they’re missing. If they did they’d be cultivating the necessary wormhole technology to come ransack our planet. This stuff is more valuable than rare Italian truffles sitting on an 18 oz filet of Kobe beef. It literally makes Velveeta taste like the cargo Goose and Maverick are threatened to fly out of Hong Kong as punishment. I mean, if you’ve never had it, your life is not complete. It makes the sun shine brighter, colors become more vivid, your Black Friday television comes on faster, other food tastes ten times better, Justin Beiber stops playing on the radio, Cubs win a World Series, people at Walmart seem more intelligent, and the list goes on. If you make the classic Rotel dip with it, you will surely perish from excessive jubilation. Rich people don’t know anything about this. It’s better than Earned Income Credit in February. Literally, all of that.

So you see, being poor isn’t 100% terrible. There are a few gems in the mountain of cow manure.

I must say that this post is in no way meant as a reason to be poor. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with being rich, or working hard to become wealthy. Just think of it as a way to laugh about your situation. Some of the happiest people I’ve known are not wealthy at all. As always thank you for reading! Until next time…

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/5-cool-things-about-being-poor/feed/0loghry33More...Things People Do But Won’t Admit To Doinghttps://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/things-people-do-but-wont-admit-to-doing/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/things-people-do-but-wont-admit-to-doing/#commentsFri, 21 Feb 2014 23:25:44 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/?p=93]]>Everybody does things every day that you could never get them to confess. But you can’t lie to yourself. You can’t lie to me. You know you do them. Everyone has done at least one of the following in their lifetime:

Pretend Like You Didn’t Get A Text

You know you’ve gotten a text that you didn’t want to respond to. So you just pretend like it never happened. You may even delete it so you won’t remember it. Then when asked you say, “Oh, I didn’t get it, my phone has been acting up lately.” Usually it’s a request to do a favor for someone or contains information you don’t want to know.

Get Excited About Severe Thunderstorms

Maybe it’s just an Oklahoma thing, but I doubt it. You know when the weatherman says there will be severe thunderstorms you get more excited than a six year old on Christmas Eve. Tornado warning? Even better. You go out on the front porch and watch it go right over your head.

Set Multiple Alarms On Your Phone

Don’t lie, you know you have 10 alarms set on your phone 10 minutes apart that you fully intend on sleeping through. Then you have one that is set for the absolute latest you can get up and one more thirty minutes after that as an emergency late alarm.

Cup Your Hands In The Shower, Let Them Fill With Water, And Destroy The Bubbles On The Wall

There’s something about soap bubbles on the shower wall and floor that just doesn’t sit well with you. It’s like if you leave any of them, they will multiply and take over your bathroom. They must be bombarded with huge volumes of water to ensure they are eradicated properly. Plus it is just fun.

Pretend You Don’t See Someone Coming For The Elevator And Let It Shut On Them

You’re in too big of a hurry to wait for someone you see heading for the elevator. You act like you don’t see them until the doors are closing and pretend to hit the open button unsuccessfully. Hey you tried right? No you didn’t.

Vacuum Over A String For Five Minutes

You run over it fifty times and the damn thing doesn’t get picked up by the vacuum. Then you pick it up and throw it back down in a different spot next to where it was and repeat the process while cursing at it repeatedly.

Spin And Tuck The Bread Instead Of Using A Twisty Tie

It’s just too much effort to use a twisty tie. So after you’ve made your glorious double decker sandwich you spin the bread and tuck the wrapper underneath. It’s an art form.

Click A Link Repeatedly When It Won’t Open

We’ve all been searching the interwebz at one point or another and the page freezes when you click on a link. Instead of being good little patient people, we click the link repeatedly and with increasing force while getting irritated. Once you’re convinced it’s not going to load you hold down ctrl + alt and start pounding away on the delete button until you have to manually shut down the computer by holding the power button.

Get Irritated By Fat People

What is it about fat people that amplifies your anger? I don’t know, but it’s true. If a fat person cuts you off in traffic it makes you twice as mad. Fat person at the grocery store? Forget about it. Especially if they are in a motorized cart. Being fat immediately lowers your perceived iq by 30 points. It’s a law of nature.

Diagnose Yourself

Do you ever not know what’s wrong with you when you go to the doctor? Of course not, because you have a degree in searching WebMD. What you have is definitely not a common cold, but is one of the rarest diseases on the planet. You Googled your symptoms, you are right and the doctor is just trying to get your money and get you out of his office. You will most likely die because he/she didn’t take your suggestions seriously.

Try To Move Things With Your Mind

You know you’ve sat there and tried to use the force. It’s never worked in the history of the world, but it just might this one time. You will make that glass of water tip over with your telekinetic powers. It is possible.

Used The Little Bathroom Key To Bust In On A Sibling

Seldom is there a happier day than when you are finally tall enough to reach the little bathroom key above the door frame. It opens up a world of pranking possibilities. Brother in the shower? He better watch his six from now on because he’s asking to have ice water dumped on him. Comedy gold.

Rip Apart Your House Looking For Keys That Are Sitting On The Table

We’ve all been there. Where the F*** are my keys? It’s always when you’re late for work too. You are like a bull charging through the house checking the freezer, the attic, under the bed, overturning bookshelves, cutting mattresses open, etc. Then you’re twice as pissed when they’re sitting right in front of your stupid face.

Screaming At Objects Or Pets That You Step On

Thank the lord some toys aren’t living creatures, because you know you’ve called them every name in the book. Especially if they make noise. Nothing like stepping on the dog and going to a knee while they let out screams of death. Stupid asses, why are they sleeping where you walk at 2 a.m.? Not your fault, next time they’ll move!

Pee In The Shower

Nothing wrong with a little multitasking. If you haven’t done this at least once in your life you are living in denial. Sometimes there just isn’t time to use a toilet. Desperate situations call for desperate measures. Disclaimer: I do not do this now that I am married.

Look Up Something On Wikipedia And Pretend To Be An Expert

You know you’ve engaged in Facebook debates that were fights to the death. When you need to sound like an expert quick, Wikipedia is the only place to go. Nothing like a crash course in Native American History, or the formation of Atolls in the Pacific.

Change The Facts Of A Story To Make It Funnier Or More Interesting

Pretty self explanatory, and you’ve done it. You can’t lie to me. Sometimes things need spiced up a bit for extra “likes” on social media.

Google Song Lyrics

Such a great tune, what the hell were they singing about? Some singers just can’t be understood. Nothing like what you think is an upbeat song that turns out to be about death and misery.

Thinking Of The Funniest Things In The World At The Most Inappropriate Time

Ever been at a funeral or sitting in an important business meeting and you think of the funniest damn joke or something someone said? Something that makes you giggle for days every time you think about it? You sit there looking like an epileptic trying to hold a sneeze in during the eulogy. It’s brutal, but it’s a reality.

Accidentally Fart While You’re Eating

Nothing spoils an appetite faster, or just makes you walk ten steps away to finish your meal. They’re always the rankest stomach creations in history too. Dry heaving over a ribeye? You only have yourself to blame. Have some self control.

Get Paranoid Sneaking Candy Into A Movie

It’s like you’ve just committed a murder and the teenage ticket taker is an FBI agent (because once you cross the ticket barrier it’s a federal crime). It will have your stomach in knots. Felony candy sneaking. That’s the charges you’re up against. Better not get caught.

Let The Microwave Count Down As Low As Possible And Then Open The Door Right Before The Timer Goes Off

Nothing makes you feel like you’re Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker more than nuking a burrito. If the timer goes off you’re all dead. You’re an elite bomb squad member and people’s lives depend on you.

I’m sure there are hundreds more of these little gems I’ll think of later. But this should give you some good laughs, or help you lose hope in humanity. Or maybe I’m the only one who does these things? Or maybe I’m trying to trick you into admitting something? You’ll never know.

]]>https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/things-people-do-but-wont-admit-to-doing/feed/5loghry33Parenting, Through The Eyes Of A Couple Rookieshttps://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/19/parenting-through-the-eyes-of-a-couple-rookies/
https://loggerblog.wordpress.com/2014/02/19/parenting-through-the-eyes-of-a-couple-rookies/#respondWed, 19 Feb 2014 23:30:19 +0000http://loggerblog.wordpress.com/?p=35]]>Let me start off by saying this will not be some tutorial or lesson on parenting. I have one child who is 14 months old. I’m far from being any type of expert. The last thing I want to do is sound like the 24 year old girl who’s been married 6 months trying to give everyone marital advice like she’s “experienced” anything. But, that doesn’t mean my wife and I haven’t observed things along the way. So I thought we’d share a couple of our own experiences that were unexpected:

Handful Of Caca

Yeah, get over your fear of germs, because at some point you will hold a turd firmly in your hand. Not only that, it will be the funniest thing your child ever experienced. Probably because your face turns paler than Renee Zellweger in winter when you get a nice fat stink palm. The first time it happened to me I was changing a diaper up on the changing pad. My son went to roll over and it was either dodge the poop or let him fall on the ground. The diaper shifted and a small mass rolled down into my hand. I’ll never forget the raucous laughter coming from this child when my first reaction was to throw it across the room. However, mid-toss I realized what was happening and tightened my hand to avoid painting the nursery wall with organic (yeah, i said first time parents) fecal matter. Yeah, you never think it will happen to you. You think there will be more time. You’re wrong.

Toddlers Can Teleport

Oh man, I mean, we knew our son wouldn’t stay immobile forever. Remember the days, ahh they were glorious, when you could just lay them on their back and could turn around? Hell, you could even leave the room for a brief moment to check on the laundry. Even though you’d immediately freak out and run back into the room because there is always someone sitting out there just waiting to snatch away your child, in your living room, with all the doors locked. But, oh my, once they learn how to roll and then crawl, it’s a whole new ballgame. You can’t close your eyes and sneeze without them being 20 feet away, just sitting their smiling. How do they do that? Teleportation is the only explanation. That’s why there is a billion dollar industry selling cages (gates) for children.

Danger Magnets

If there is danger, they will find it. You can baby proof every inch of your house, and they will find the linchpin and exploit it. If you leave one outlet unplugged, because you wanted to vacuum the house and surprise your wife, you will find them headed towards it with a butter knife staring at you with a sheepish grin. It’s like they know it’s your job to protect them, and if you fail then they win the game. How did they get a butter knife? Magic, sorcery, using the force? Their favorite test of your patience and emotions is to wait until you’re vulnerable and force an immediate decision. Let me explain with a hypothetical example. Let’s say you’re cooking spaghetti and you are waiting for the water to boil. Well, they will just sit there, being a little angel (so you think). Oh, but they are calculating, trust me. When that water starts boiling over the pot and requires your attention, it’s time to strike. That’s when they are going to get up and do a balance beam act on the brick fireplace. It’s no coincidence, you are being tested.

Cockamamie Comparisons

Hah, that worked out nicely. It’s always a bonus when you can work the word “cockamamie” organically into a conversation. Now look, I would never bash proud mamas, that’s not my intention here. But do yourself a favor and don’t google any milestones, or pay too much attention to when your child does something new. Your pediatrician will ask those questions and if something is unusual, they will let you know. There is a vicious web of lies everywhere you look, and it’s really just mamas who want to be proud of their kids. I don’t think it’s intentional, but it will make you think your child is Lenny from Of Mice and Men. I’ve heard stories about kids rolling over when they’re one week old, talking at two months, walking at three, and it just gets worse. It’s like some weird challenge to see who’s kid is better. All kids do things at different stages and it has no bearing on whether or not they will one day solve p vs np or find a way to reconcile quantum mechanics and general relativity. Let your child do things on their own time, just my two cents.

Jackass Unedited

The worse you hurt yourself the funnier it will be. It’s a rule of nature. Nothing will get your young child laughing harder than the hyenas on the Lion King more than hammering your thumb into the wall and dropping a 100 decibel f-bomb. It only amplifies when you ask the timeless question “OH, IS THAT FUNNY?!!!” Or doing the “scared shitless stumble” with them in your arms. It’s ok to admit it, this is a safe place. You know you’ve been carrying your child and tripped over your own two feet and stumbled 3o feet across the room like you’re reliving your college years with a cheap bottle of vodka. Scariest three seconds of your life in slow motion while your kid laughs like the first time you watched Eddie Murphy’s “Delirious”. It will happen.

Internet Devil

This is a serious one that nobody warns you about. I truly believe it would have been easier to be a parent before the days of internet and the rapid exchange of information. Every terrible story you read about an infant you will imagine as if it happened to your own child. You will cry or you are not human. Babies that develop diseases, stories of abuse, neglect, terrible accidents. They will have you weeping like Bette Middler is sitting at her friend’s grave while “Wind Beneath My Wings” plays in the background.. It sucks, but it’s a reality. Your child will receive a thousand bear hugs in the middle of a nap due to you reading terrible news stories that involve little children. It’s a sad world we live in sometimes.

Don’t Show Interest In Anything

It’s amazing how independent your kid wants to be until you are interested in something else. Even when they are sleeping they can sense it. They can be lying in your arms comatose and if you pick up that phone to check Facebook or Twitter they will naturally roll over and knock the phone out of your hands. This is no coincidence. Take a work call when they are in the floor playing? Hah, that’s rich. They will be pawing at your leg like Winnie the Pooh and a honey pot. If you don’t give them attention they will scream with enough intensity to shatter large windows. You have been warned.

Get A Large Hard Drive

Get with the times, we live in the digital age. You will take one million photos/videos/sound recordings and that is not an exaggerated number. The last thing you want to do is be trying to delete photos in order to free up room to take a video when they’re taking their first steps. Export your media regularly and always have enough room on your phone to capture the important moments. Trust me, you will use George Carlin’s seven words you can’t say on tv within a five second time frame if you don’t follow this advice. Just a heads up, it will happen.

Like I said, we are far from experts, but these are a few things my wife and I have observed along the way. Nothing could prepare us for this. It doesn’t matter how many books you read or classes you take, nobody will ever perfectly raise a child. Just have fun and enjoy it along the way.