Life imitates the People's Cube

SOUTH AFRICA - For generations, members of the impoverished baboon community in the Cape peninsula have suffered from inequality, forced to live in deplorable conditions on the margins of simian society with no access to education, subsidized housing, and universal healthcare - but this paradigm is about to shift. The baboons - whom scientists describe as the most economically oppressed minority among the primates - are finally fighting back, forcing homo sapiens to rethink their place in the diverse biosphere they had exploited for too long without giving back.

Scientists are unsure about the cause of the baboons' sudden compulsion to organize and represent. Could it be that altruistic primate researchers have raised the apes' awareness by distributing Marxist literature - or, are the apes naturally evolving to the level of class consciousness? Regardless of the cause, the most radicalized of them are finally fighting economic injustice by redistributing and disposing of unfairly gained surplus "human" wealth.

Afghanistan's Taliban insurgents are training monkeys to use weapons to attack American troops, according to a recent report by a British-based media agency.

Reporters from the media agency spotted and took photos of a few "monkey soldiers" holding AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns in the Waziristan tribal region near the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The report and photos have been widely spread by media agencies and Web sites across the world.

According to the report, American military experts call them "monkey terrorists."

As a form of cruel political means, wars are launched to meet political goals through conquest, devastation, assaults and other means.

In a sense, the emergence of "monkey soldiers" is the result of asymmetrical warfare. The United States launched the war in Afghanistan using the world's most advanced weapons such as highly-intelligent robots to detect bombs on roadsides and unmanned aerial vehicles to attack major Taliban targets. In response, the Taliban forces have tried any possible means and figured out a method to train monkeys as "replacement killers" against American troops.

Analysts believe that apart from using "monkey killers" to attack the American troops, the Taliban also sought to arouse Western animal protectionists to pressure their governments to withdraw troops from Afghanistan.

An American official responded that the Taliban forces have started training "monkey soldiers" after suffering heavy losses, implying that they have exhausted their tricks. Nevertheless, the Taliban believe that the emergence of "monkey soldiers" indicates that they have found smarter and more effective ways to cope with American troops.

Ironically, the initiators of "monkey soldiers" are the Americans. Between the 1960s and the 1970s, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) trained massive "monkey soldiers" in the Vietnam War and dispatched armed monkeys to dangerous jungles to launch assaults on Vietnamese soldiers. Today, the Taliban forces have given the American troops some of their own medicine.

When armed animals enter interpersonal wars, what kind of world will we face? This cannot but arouse our reflections and concerns.Note, comrades, that American military experts call them "monkey terrorists." If that is not racism, we don't know what racism is. Could this be the real reason behind the ousting of Gen. McCrystal?

Where is our PETA comrades? This is an outrage. Not that the Taliban are training these brave apes to bear arms against the imperialist occupier. But because the bloodthirsty American forces will by necessity target them.

Comrades, we must rescue these hapless apes and bestow on them all the rights of American citizens. Apes are people too. They deserve voting rights and yes even the right to bear arms. In fact I would say in the spirit of Affirmative Action, since they have been denied the right to bear arms for so long and because they're probably lousy shots, they deserve to own machineguns.

If only Charlton Heston had not discovered the Planet of the Apes and had his army of potential terrorists in the NRA subjucate these most equal primates, none of this would be happening. I am certain that is why Obama has ended NASA's manned space program and has them now acting as an outreach program to Muslims. It's about protecting our troops. He is most wise.

Stalin's half-man, half-ape super-warriors

The Soviet dictator Josef Stalin ordered the creation of Planet of the Apes-style warriors by crossing humans with apes, according to recently uncovered secret documents.

Moscow archives show that in the mid-1920s Russia's top animal breeding scientist, Ilya Ivanov, was ordered to turn his skills from horse and animal work to the quest for a super-warrior.

According to Moscow newspapers, Stalin told the scientist: "I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat."

In 1926 the Politburo in Moscow passed the request to the Academy of Science with the order to build a "living war machine". The order came at a time when the Soviet Union was embarked on a crusade to turn the world upside down, with social engineering seen as a partner to industrialisation: new cities, architecture, and a new egalitarian society were being created.

The Soviet authorities were struggling to rebuild the Red Army after bruising wars.

And there was intense pressure to find a new labour force, particularly one that would not complain, with Russia about to embark on its first Five-Year Plan for fast-track industrialisation.

Mr Ivanov was highly regarded. He had established his reputation under the Tsar when in 1901 he established the world's first centre for the artificial insemination of racehorses.

Mr Ivanov's ideas were music to the ears of Soviet planners and in 1926 he was dispatched to West Africa with $200,000 to conduct his first experiment in impregnating chimpanzees.

Meanwhile, a centre for the experiments was set up in Georgia - Stalin's birthplace - for the apes to be raised.

Mr Ivanov's experiments, unsurprisingly from what we now know, were a total failure. He returned to the Soviet Union, only to see experiments in Georgia to use monkey sperm in human volunteers similarly fail.

A final attempt to persuade a Cuban heiress to lend some of her monkeys for further experiments reached American ears, with the New York Times reporting on the story, and she dropped the idea amid the uproar.

Mr Ivanov was now in disgrace. His were not the only experiments going wrong: the plan to collectivise farms ended in the 1932 famine in which at least four million died.

For his expensive failure, he was sentenced to five years' jail, which was later commuted to five years' exile in the Central Asian republic of Kazakhstan in 1931. A year later he died, reportedly after falling sick while standing on a freezing railway platform.

Excellent, excellent. Now that the primates are bearing arms, will they be arming bears next? Of course having fully realized the 2nd Amendment, it is time for them to learn how to vote progressive, and ensure that only the correct proles and primates are allowed to remain armed.

Excellent, excellent. Now that the primates are bearing arms, will they be arming bears next? Of course having fully realized the 2nd Amendment, it is time for them to learn how to vote progressive, and ensure that only the correct proles and primates are allowed to remain armed.

No Comrade Colonel.

The Collective will never arm bears. That is what the Evil Palinista Reactionary Force is doing, training female grizzly bears to attack Washington and your Dear leader.

Come to think of it, the whole story may have been the result of a poorly translated figure of speech. The China People's Daily just picked it up and ran with it.They probably translated it with Google Translate, as they do all technical manuals and tourist brochures.

This is most glorious, that in that land of dear Leaders homeland (according to lovely Mrs. MO) Obamoa has implemented such . . . . . brotherly creatures to implement change we can trust. There is nothing that says "safety" like a monkey with gun! ( I do here they can trouble keeping the monkey's from spanking the monkey although I do not have knowledge of what they speak)

Comrade Whoopie, I am sorry to regret saying I did not understand any of what the Comradess was saying - sadly it all sounded like Greek to me. I did think the monkey were cute and although I didn't see anyone spank one, that is not beyond the pale of possibles.But my question is, do you have an appropriate translate of her translation?

I do find the video a little insulting to . . . ssssh.... black heritage persons. Do you think showing all those monkey with guns and banansa is insinuating something that should not be insinuated? I think the NAACP would crap out on that one.

I will hope Snoogie will post some translation so we can know what the monkey are saying (MONKEY'S MEANING THE ANIMALS NOT THE MEN PEOPLE). I wonder if one of those persons is Mrs. Al's hubby?

Frau, I was thinking would could train some of these "people too" to patrol out front of polling places. We could dress them in black pampers.

The idea is catching on, here we see that Robert Gibbs is training his replacement.

I also notice in the video that the Taliban appearing to be talking to the brave "people too" and explaining to them that if they want a banana they must go kill americans. The "people too" are listening intently. Apparently the Isloomic language is the same as what the "people too" speak.

Oh my, and I thought that was Mama Mo... ooops, I was misspeaking!!! Negate that thought!! Negate!!

It is good to be Gibbie about dear Leaders business. I am sure the monkey, I err, mean, Mr. Bubbles (I thought it died?) can be taught to throw shoes for those perilous occasions when Bush regime might be about. Mr. Bub will also be able to avoid criticism, less PETA become annoyed and curse Rethuglicans on CNN.

More monkey in government. This should give Obama that bounce he needs.

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

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