What Husbands Need to Know

How I stopped being cruel to my wife and saved my marriage.

In ten years of marriage, my wife and I were blessed with four beautiful children. But the marriage itself was often difficult and painful. We were divorced for two and a half years. Then we remarried.

This is not a recommended course of events, but Divine Providence took me on this unusual path. Fortunately, my wife and I usually got along pretty well during the time we were divorced and I saw my kids nearly every day. But being divorced was definitely not ideal. There were times that the hate I had for my wife was so intense that I could never repeat those awful thoughts out loud.

I now realize that my marriage was lacking true harmony from the very beginning. At the time of the divorce, I did not know about the concept of Shalom Bayit, the uniquely Jewish approach to peace in the home. I never had a real understanding of how precious the marital relationship is. Our first marriage was filled with periods of calm and periods of tension and discord. I always felt there was something missing. I never had the inner peace that the calm would last. There was always a storm brewing around the corner. We could go a couple weeks or maybe a month or two when things were relatively smooth, but I always knew it wouldn't last. And inevitably, I would blame the ups and downs on my wife.

Inevitably, I would blame the ups and downs on my wife.

Our troubles weren’t dramatic. It was simply the day to day negativity that ate up the marriage. My wife would make a critical comment about my family. I would immediately take the insult to heart and attack her right back for the direct affront to the people who meant the most to me. After all, she knew how deeply I loved my parents and how any attack on them hit me at my weakest spot. How dare she hurt me in that way? Another tender area was the children. She often voiced her displeasure at the way I parented. She would often undermine me and refuse to back me up when I made a decision. I couldn’t understand her passive aggressive behavior, especially when it came to matters dealing with the kids.

Regardless of the trigger I would get extremely defensive and tumble reactively into “win mode,” feeling I simply had to win the argument. That dynamic would spark a cold war of sorts, where we wouldn’t speak for days or even weeks. I found it easier to shut down and just not have anything to do with her when I sensed she was upset with me. I would just escape into endless hours of mind-numbing television and internet surfing. After a while I was usually able to get us back on track with humor, but even my humor eventually stopped working and reconciliation became almost impossible. Before long another silly incident, insult, or miscommunication would present itself to allow us to further tear down our marriage.

My only conclusion was that my wife was an unhappy and unreasonable woman, who couldn't deal with the fact I was basically a good (albeit imperfect) husband and father. It was almost as if her personality just couldn't be content if things were too calm for too long.

After years of the marriage slowly wearing away, we made the mutual decision to divorce. But a person takes themselves with them wherever they go, and divorced life didn’t provide the relief I was hoping for. My wife felt the pain and vulnerability too. After two-and-a half years, we made the radical decision to give the marriage another shot.

It was a great feeling to get the second chance to be a husband and full-time father. How many divorced people get the opportunity to be together as a family again? Things were very good and we were very considerate of each other. It seemed we both grew and learned a lot about ourselves during the time we were divorced. Unfortunately, after several months we fell back into the same old negative patterns and pitfalls after the "honeymoon" period was over. We had been in counseling but it felt like those sessions were just scheduled times for my wife to blame me for all my faults. She would express why she wasn't happy, but it never made sense to me. She was always overreacting, claiming I just didn't "get her."

Her annoying questions would start and I’d end the conversation.

It frustrated me to no end when I heard the words; “You just don’t get me.” Until recently I didn’t know what this meant or how to react when accused of this. My wife could never understand why I didn’t need the same level of attention that she did. If anything she didn’t “get” me! If, for example, I broke something or cut my finger it would anger me when she asked if I was okay. I would instinctively snap back at her with a sarcastic comment. She didn’t understand that all she had to do was leave me alone and I’d be fine.

I simply did not have a need for her getting involved. When she would ask me how my day was I often had zero interest in sharing because there was usually little to say and it was downright unpleasant to have to talk about it. On rare occasions I did decide to share “just the facts,” but when her annoying, multiple follow up questions would inevitably start, I would become abrupt and rude, and that would effectively end the conversation. I had no problem sharing these things with my father or a closer friend, but for some reason I found my wife to be as annoying as nails to a chalkboard.

More recently our differences in how we felt about and observed Judaism came into play. The more I learned and I observed, the more I became critical of my wife and all the things she wasn’t doing or was doing “wrong.” I was disappointed that she didn’t want to improve and grow and was concerned we were harming our children by not teaching them properly. I often thought I would be much better off if I met an observant woman who would help my spiritual ascent rather than hold me back and keep me in such a distressed place.

I think we both felt deep down that we got back together for financial considerations as well as for the sake of the kids. I was kicking myself for getting back together because no matter what I did or how good a husband I would try to be, I was never going to satisfy her. She just wasn't capable of being satisfied! I felt so foolish. It got to the point where we were both ready to walk away and admit with much embarrassment that we made a terrible mistake - twice! Our second marriage would not even make it to the first anniversary.

Accepting Responsibility

I felt cornered and hopeless, thinking how my kids were going to suffer greatly both short-term and long-term. I was in one of the deepest ruts in my life, at which point something happened that changed my inner world and the whole course of my marriage. Two people recommended the same book on marriage, TheGarden of Peace by Rabbi Shalom Arush, within a week of one another.

One reading of the book and I felt the rug had been pulled out from under me. Suddenly I was able to see my situation in an entirely different light. All the confusion I was experiencing about my marriage became crystal clear. I realized that underneath all of my blaming, criticizing and finger pointing, there lay a fundamental truth. The true reason for all my marital strife was me.

The true reason for all the marital strife was me.

How could it be all my fault? There must have been things my wife did to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage! What about all of her miserable behavior?

The Ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract, clearly states that the husband is ultimately responsible for his wife's happiness and hence the husband is primarily responsible for Shalom Bayis. This was a complete paradigm shift for me. It may not be politically correct, but I believe it is the truth. It is the men that need to initiate the giving, especially when it comes to giving honor. As the Talmud says, "There is no blessing in one's home without the wife's honor." All the blessings a husband receives are in the merit of his wife.

When a husband honors and loves his wife, she feels invigorated and will respond in kind. The complaints and nagging are now almost non-existent, and the frustration and tension with matters related to intimacy are dissolving. We have never felt this close and secure in our marriage, and just about all of it has to do with my wife seeing and feeling consistent, deep rooted changes in me.

Shalom Bayit is one of the most important mitzvahs of our lives; the worth of a man is largely dependent on how he treats his wife; not just in public but also behind closed doors. Perhaps an analogy would be to view the husband as the sun, and the woman to a flower. If the flower isn't blooming (the woman is acting negatively, withdrawing, complaining, nagging, or being passive aggressive), the first place to examine is to see if it’s getting the proper amount of nourishing sunlight.

I realize this is antithetical to much of today's pop psychology on marriage. I know many will raise eyebrows at the teaching that marital harmony is primarily a male responsibility. I also had my doubts not too long ago. But then I saw how everything fell into place once I started to treat my wife properly.

I never cursed or physically abused my wife, but I now see that I was in fact a cruel husband. Every time I was stingy and tight with money, criticizing every penny she spent, that was a form of cruelty. Every time I didn't give her my full attention or was abrupt when she spoke to me or asked for my help, that was cruelty. Perhaps those actions seem like common flaws, yet once I stopped blaming my wife and started looking inwardly, I began to see how responsible I was for the deterioration of our marriage, and how so much of her "misbehavior" and "complaining" was simply a response to my complete misunderstanding of what my wife really wanted from me.

Once I began to look within, I saw a man who was generous with his time, attention, and money with anyone who needed me – except for my wife! Seeking honor and recognition from outside my marriage (sometimes even from strangers) while simultaneously ignoring my wife's needs is indeed cruelty.

In several months I have gone through a remarkable transformation (just ask my wife!). I will never doubt the ability of people to change, no matter how low they have fallen. I truly regret that I caused my wife so much pain. I cringe when I think how I was ready to end my marriage, especially now that I understand the problems stemmed from my flawed thinking and ignorance. I am deeply grateful to the Almighty that I read Garden of Peace before it was too late. It was a tragedy to get divorced the first time, but to ruin a second chance would have been beyond any words.

God gives us the challenges we need. I believe my wife and I were meant for each other. My wife sensed a change unlike any previous attempts I had made in the past. We are in tune with each other on a much deeper level and I am committed to giving her the loving nourishment she deserves on a daily basis. It seems to be working. We have gone a record amount of time without a calamity and our interactions on a daily basis have been warm and positive. Our marital and family dynamic has changed. On a couple of occasions when my wife has expressed hostility towards me I knew exactly where the message was coming from and what to do. It didn’t matter if I thought she was justified or not; I now know what the endgame is about.

I don't want to sugarcoat things and make this transformation sound too easy, but it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I did put forth the personal and sincere effort to change, and once I did I felt God guiding me to be the best husband I can be. You don’t have to believe me. If you think your marriage isn’t as great as it could be, read The Garden of Peace, put these insights into practice and see for yourself if it makes a difference.

May the Almighty help all of us to become the husbands and fathers we are meant to be.

About the Author

Visitor Comments: 114

(86)
Yosef,
June 21, 2015 4:02 AM

WOW

(85)
Anonymous,
May 1, 2015 6:19 PM

I relate to this

This sounds exactly like my parents relationship and I hate it. They've been married for over 30 years but I can see how my fathers attitude spoils their relationship.
My fathers comments are always selfish and cruel but he never blames himself.
I wish I could show him this but i don't have the guts.
I'm scared to marry a man like him

(84)
casey g,
February 19, 2015 12:21 AM

my husband needs this book asap! !!!!!!!!!

(83)
Deebles62,
January 30, 2015 4:09 PM

The woman's role

I found this article VERY interesting. It makes sense, HOWEVER, I kept wondering what is the woman's role in Shalom Bayis. I know women who are mean spirited and would destroy a man's heart and spirit. What is the other side to the equation in order for there to be balance in the relationship. It can't be all one sided.

(82)
Anonymous,
December 31, 2014 6:08 AM

Actually, this man has found inner peace for himself and his family. He is also a nicer person because of it... God bless. I pray my husband finds this type of insight since he won't listen to me.

(81)
Nachum,
December 11, 2014 7:33 PM

Mental Illness

This is just more gynocentrism from another severely emasculated "anonymous" millennial (probably a female feminist). The dirty little secret used to be abusive men in the Jewish community. However, the del dirty secret is the abusive women in our community who, because of like minded abusers, feel enabled to continue their abuse with impunity simple because.......they are a woman.

Abuse (both physical and emotional) is not limited to either gender. FBI statistics prove that women are the abuser in 48% of all cases including assaults and homicides.

Pandering to your abuser resolves nothing and enables more abuse. Love is only unconditional under one condition: when it is reciprocal.

The issue of "abuse" is the issue of mental illness and until that issue comes out of the closet, and is no longer taboo, there will be no end in sight for abusers of both sexes.

(80)
Captain Australia,
November 11, 2014 7:40 AM

Interesting but ultimately unsound

In many ways interesting, I think this article ultimately proposes some kind of martyr syndrome way of thinking - giving respect, for example, isn't about lavishing a person with compliments .. it's about sharing your views honestly and with dignified courtesy .. and openness, trusting in their ability to take your commentary.One telling comment is that the husband would no longer question his wife about money..... really it sounds like to prolong a bad marriage, he's taken to hiding in the cupboard, and only coming out when he has a big false smile on his face.Mutual respect means understanding your partner has bad days, conflicting ideas, etc.If you self-censor, you are ultimately not sharing in what I think is an ideal marriage - one founded on mutual trust and acceptance.It seems to me to be a dangerous approach to put aside disputes and lavish your partner with kindness, supressing your normal communication - instead it would be more prudent to find a more compatable partner.Caveat .. maybe the article is useful for people who got trapped in an incompatable marriage but consciously decide to try and make it work for the kids or any other reason.

(79)
prosper Appiah,
August 29, 2014 4:14 PM

This is very insightful and inspirational ,

(78)
Anonymous,
August 5, 2014 12:03 PM

Here is why all naysaying men.GOD ordered you to love your wife. Not berate, be cruel, or such a nasty person that the woman is afraid of you. As then any sexual act feels like a violation.

(77)
chen,
July 17, 2014 8:33 AM

I am touched by the changes in him whilst I am trying to work out my marriage, can anyone tell me where to get this book online. Thanks

(76)
Anonymous,
July 12, 2014 5:16 PM

Article response

The ideas in this article are the dumbest and most ridiculous I have ever heard.

(75)
Peter,
July 3, 2014 12:33 PM

Reaching the Same Conclusion, without the Book

Similar to the author of the article, i awoke one day to a total breakdown in my marriage. I spent 6 months of hell at home and attended individual therapy, along with countless hours reading etc I've gained much understanding since then, and found I'm changing for me, to be a better person first, husband second and father third. My wife has noticed, and she sees it is consistent, and so she is opening herself to me. A lot slower than I'd wish, going from not being able to be in the same room, to holding hands when we fall asleep, in less than 6 months is a wonderful gift. I will be getting this book. I am not of the Jewish faith, but God's blessing comes from many different sources, finding this article today, was one of the ways He does things. I agree with some of the comments regarding "what is she doing for me", "being responsible for her own moods etc" and there will need to be some changes there as well. From the article, it basically states to provide a home environment where love exists so she can grow. In some ways a bit sexist, etc, but at the same time, when i look at it, this is what my wife has always wanted. So who am i not to provide this for her? Emotional Stability of Love. As a man I can think or handle two to ten things at once, no problem. Any more, and not so good. My wife sent me an joke. If you ever wanted to know how a woman thinks, imagine a computer with 2547 windows open on the desktop. I asked two female co workers about it, and they completely agreed!

There are things I wish my wife does, like cook a childhood favorite dish. She never has, I never communicated that to her.. Yet am angry she does not, How does she know how to meet some of my needs if I do not communicate that to her? Once I create harmony in the home, and her flower starts to bloom, there is no doubt in my mind after discussing it, she'll try to honor me and my request.

Thanks for the article. I've bookmarked this page...

(74)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2014 3:14 AM

How do I get my husband to read this?

You're brilliant. And brave. Realizing, accepting, changing and sharing, you've done it all. Your wife is indeed very lucky. After reading how cruel another commentors husband became after she showed him this article, I'm petrified of showing it to mine. But I wish I could. I don't laugh anymore. I'm afraid to be happy because he'll say something mean. He takes away things to teach me a lesson. He knows my family is my weak spot (like the author) and he'll say vile things about my parents and sisters when we're having a fight. Once we were at a hotel and he threw me out in the middle of the night after taking back the wedding ring and taking the credit and debit card from my wallet. I was new in this country and didn't have anywhere to go. I had $5 in my wallet. I cook, clean and take care of my husband and stepson. I thought that was enough to earn your partners love and respect. But if things are not cleaned, organized or done to his standards he isn't happy. My family is back in my home country and I haven't told them a word of what I'm going through. I married against their wishes. It's not always bad. When it's good, it's amazing. He is fun, playful and even loving. But it never lasts. It's because of those moments I'm staying on, hoping something will change so those happy moments are more permanent and the torturous ones few and far between. Besides, I love my stepson, in this 1 short year he has become my life. Once when I asked my husband if we should have kids of our own he asked me to show him on an excel spreadsheet with all income/expenses etc if we could afford to have one. My husband earns a 6 figure salary.

Leah,
June 21, 2015 4:09 AM

Anonymous 74 - this marriage is dangerous! Please seek some therapy! Whether you're new in this country or not does not matter! Please do it god your sake and your stepson's!!!

(73)
Chris,
April 24, 2014 5:30 AM

An emotional crutch

This just doesn't make sense to me.
Happiness and contentment cant be derived exterensionally, but only from within.
By saying you, as her husband, are responcible for her full emotional well being and ultimately her happiness, its like youre dismissing her ability to have any accountability for herself or her emotional state.
I've been married ten years and our marriage is about the same. But, if our only course of reconciliation is me putting my wife on a pedestal and doting to every little uncomfortablness, it surely wont last a second decade.
No, she needs to be accountable for her own moods, her own misery and Or happiness. I just simply will not jump for every little thing or whenever she feels the need for it RIGHT NOW. No, she needs to respect me as she would respect a stranger. She doesn't walk around town snapping her fingers at people, why should she get that at home?

James,
May 6, 2014 6:11 PM

The door swings both ways

I will agree with much of what you said - however I do want to put my wife on a pedestal. I want to make her feel how she wants to feel and meet what needs of hers I can.

However on the other hand, in response to her comments about "not being able to help how I feel", I tell her that while I agree with that, she can control her tongue. She doesn't just get a free pass to say whatever she wants to say just because she's had a bad day, anymore than I do. She does need to be accountable for her own moods and behavior. And this cliché that we hear all the time that the woman is never wrong is simply crap. I have no interest in being right all the time, but I certainly do not want to be wrong every time either. If she's not willing to accept the bad, then how can she be entitled to the good? The door swings both ways!

Anonymous,
August 4, 2014 5:04 AM

Hooray!

I couldn't agree with you more.

(72)
Anonymous,
April 3, 2014 2:51 AM

I showed this to my husband

I thought this to be a wonderful, wise article, and not just because it sided with the woman. I believe it to be Biblical. However, when I showed it to my husband, he got very angry and cruel. He became very judgmental of the author and of me for showing it to him. I think it took courage for the author to say these things and I would like to thank him. I would also like it if someone would pray for us. Thank you and God Bless.

(71)
niha,
August 12, 2013 11:50 AM

WOW!

Hats off to you! COngratulations!!! What a simple, touching, thoughtful and inspiring way of writing...very practical, very nice. God bless you...she is lucky!

Livin out Loud,
February 1, 2014 12:16 AM

Save it for the shrink..

Actually, if you read the same story, as a bystander, it sounds like you have more than half to to with it. My experience is lots of men are detached and childish, and don't have a clue as to what the problem is. Usually, they are it!

(70)
Ariel E,
January 4, 2013 3:36 PM

Kol hakavod!

I truly admire your courage to share your story and your determination to change. Your commitment to work towards finding the best of you is remarkable. Your sincerity and emotional intelligence bring so much to the world.
Thank you and please continue in the same path of self-improvement and honesty.

(69)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2012 9:51 PM

Dangerous Book

The books on marriage by Arush are the first Judaic books I will actually return to the store, recommending that they be removed from the shelf. The only thing more disturbing than the fact that they were written is the fact that they are popular. Please, hold onto your brains, do not read this books!

Anonymous,
April 9, 2014 5:20 AM

You forgot to mention whether you're happily married.

I have Rabbi Arush's book for women, Women's Wisdom. It is wonderful and full of truth.

(68)
Shai,
May 3, 2012 12:47 AM

here is a great class

this to this great class By Pamensky: Happy Wife http://classicsinai.com/

Nachshon H.,
May 10, 2012 2:18 AM

Pamensky

Happy wife is very terrific. Pamensky also has a website: happywife.com

(67)
Yitzchak,
May 2, 2012 8:00 PM

present an accurate view

As indicated by #66 there is more to this story. One of the important points left out of this letter was the crucial need for Jews, especially men, to Guard Their EYES. (from immoral sights) - see original letter. This is a Torah prohibition besides preserving one's personal holiness. For some reason Aish.com doesn't like to deal with these issues in fear of antagonizing the readership who might be uncomfortable with the idea. How do the rest of you feel about talking about such issues, which incidentally is the cornerstone of a successful marriage?! I'd like to know - Thank you!

(66)
Rivkah,
April 30, 2012 10:12 PM

there is more to this story....

If you go to the Breslov site you will see the uncut story...called my personal redemption. The author talks the woman's book, guarding his eyes...and his journey to gratitude and emunah.

(65)
David,
April 29, 2012 10:49 PM

The Garden Of Peace

The Garden Of Peace is a marriage saver ! Rabbi Shalom Arush wrote it . I think he's the Rosh Yeshiva of a Breslever yeshiva in Jerusalem . He's written other books to that are all about Emuna . Thanks Aish for posting this wonderful article . I have personally benefited from reading Rabbi Shalom's books .

Anonymous,
May 14, 2012 9:44 PM

Unhealthy book

I bought these books for me and my husband, and we both agreed that they were radical, unhealthy and impractical. Really, not for everyone.

(64)
Tom,
April 29, 2012 10:48 PM

The author only discusses half the equation because that is all he needs to know.

For some of the commenters, please note that the author focuses his attention on the husband's role because he is one. He has learned to focus all of his attention on loving and honoring his wife. He is guarding his eyes, listening, talking with her family, smiling, growing his emuna, and letting her know that she is the only one for him. He doesn't mention the duties of his wife because he hasn't read Rabbi Shalom Arush shlita corollary book Women's Wisdom; nor should he. That is for his wife to read. Then, G-d willing, she will learn how to do what she should to maintain shalom bayit. To put it simply, he doesn't need to tell her that the toast is burned when sitting at the breakfast table. She already knows. But when she learns that she won't be criticized at every turn, she blossoms. It starts with him. That's not to say it ends there, but that is all he needs to understand for shalom bayit to begin. May Hashem bless the author's home with continued peace and happiness.

(63)
Anonymous,
April 29, 2012 1:19 PM

Glad it worked for this guy, but it didn't work for me

I lived by this philosophy for over five years and my marriage was miserable. Eventually I realized I had to be more assertive and everything turned around. Now I have a happy marriage.
The author of this essay says, "When a husband honors and loves his wife, she feels invigorated and will respond in kind." This did not work for me. I would say, "When a husband shows his wife that he respects himself, she will respect him too." That probably won't work for everyone either.
My wife isn't a bad person. I am not a better person than she is. We shared the blame for our problems. But blaming is ultimately not productive -- blaming your spouse and blaming yourself are both unhelpful.

(62)
Shoshana,
April 26, 2012 5:30 PM

Delighted it's working out but, hashgafa is totally incorrect

Braacha it says actually only comes through the husband (not the wife as mentioned in this article - taken from Garden of Eden book).
Man is the giver and has a passion to cherish his wife and when does so, when she allows him to, braacha comes to the home. The wife not accepting compliments, complaining about unnecessary wants as opposed to needs, prevents the braachos coming to their home. The wife's mission is to understand, accept and help her husband - that is why she is called a help-mate! In Bereishis rabb says Man is incomplete and becomes one only after marriage. And we say at a Bris of a boy, Torah, chupa and maasim Tovim - means after chupa he'll be able to do many good deeds. The problem often is that the women does not allow the husband to give - and all goes downhill from there.The woman must take some responsibilty for the problems
(This was written by a woman).

GM 62,
April 30, 2012 2:00 AM

You are so true

I have tried a multitude of approaches to bringing harmony to my relationship and have tried time after time to honor, cherish and communicate with my wife and she just continues to hold me over the fire and put all the blame of our problems on me. It really takes both people in the relationship to promote and provide harmony and stability in the home and 1 person cant do it alone or else what would be the point of marriage?

(61)
Wassim,
April 26, 2012 2:46 PM

I prefer a case by case analysis

... and never being afraid of being alone, or divorced, or loving someone else again. Feminism, fashion, materialism, and so called "friends" have destroyed as many families as unreasonable abusive husbands. The focus on men is fundamentally flawed. "She" has to learn to accept her reality just as much as "He" has to accept his. It takes two to tango, but only one can lead at any one time, although they can switch roles sometimes as a gesture of appreciation and a mark of respect for the other. However, modern conceptions of "equality" rob both parties of their rightful role in the family setting and society in general. I am working towards becoming a rich man so I can out-compete the false promises that popular culture makes to modern day women. Until then, my mind is on the money and myself, and feminist extremists will not be tolerated any more than misogynists should be. Does anybody wanna buy some put options in the solar energy industry? Apparently coal is here to stay. :-)

(60)
Deborah,
April 25, 2012 6:56 PM

Thank you

We are taught that shalom bayis is all up to the woman but that is not Torah. Torah teaches us that women are made as eizer knegdo...that if a man is worthy she will respond with kindness and blessing and if he is a nasty piece of work she will be a misery to him. And still women get blamed for leaving an abusive man! I divorced a cruel, cold blooded and narcissistic man 7 years ago because I had to... my own and my children's health and sanity were at stake. It's about time someone tell men they are responsible for a good marriage and they need to stop being cruel and then blaming women for finally leaving.

Mendy,
April 26, 2012 1:25 PM

Get real!

Good for you, but you're "Alice in Wonderland" material if you think only men are cruel. Women can and often are just as bad. Differently, but just as bad! By the way, it's not only women who leave a bad marriage. Men do too, or perhaps you haven't noticed? We're talking about the same coin, but even that has two sides. And that's the problem with these kind of books. Puts women in some sort of sacrosanct comfort zone as if somehow they are blameless.

Dovid's Best Friend,
April 29, 2012 4:12 PM

Get Real

Read Rav Arush's Book on Shalom Bayis and Ask your wife to read the Book for Women. Then you will be able to "Get Real".

(59)
Martha Kremer,
April 25, 2012 2:28 PM

I will send this to my sons.

Should I send it to my husband of 56 years? I think he may have read this book recently or something like it. He has become very open and aware.

(58)
Shmeeloo,
April 25, 2012 1:06 PM

There is much truth but be careful...

I’ve read the Garden of Emunah, the Garden of Peace, and a few others, and I feel R' Arush's can dangerous. Emunah, pure faith is the ultimate goal for truth and emes, but Rabbi Arush minimizes the need for hishtadlus, action, particularly people with major issues.
One party taking full responsibility for the marriage is usually sufficient for healing - and is necessary in any case for the person's personal growth. I’m sure that this is the message of R' Arush's marriage book for women too, directing them to take responsibility. However, as Mendy pointed out, sometimes there is baggage beyond your control. Me rectifying myself might not be enough.
If the author of this article had a wife with serious emotional issues, the ending would NOT have been a happy one. This was just the case with my friend who went to R' Arush's yeshiva, and was in constant contact with R' Arush up until his divorce.
His wife emotional problems were too much, and despite my friend’s hard work, he couldn’t hold the marriage together. It is quite possible that if was wife would have worked on getting therapy at the begging, the ending would be quite different. (She did in fact a serious emotional disorder.)
People with extreme issues need more than what these books have to offer – they can’t cure, only strengthen. The scary thing is that it is usually people with serious issues that are willing to look at this book and trust it will solve the problem. After all, the translator insists that R’ Arush is a never fail marriage counselor, and people with depression can just meditate and go off their medication etc…
For regular folks, this will really help, and it's similar to all the other Jewish marriage books out there.

Anonymous,
April 9, 2014 6:12 AM

Rabbi Arush's has helped many many marriages. I did not see him claim, however, that he has a 100% "success rate." He also does not say to always under all circumstances stay together. In Women's Wisdom he told a story where he advised a woman to divorce her husband. It could be that's what happened in your friend's case, unfortunately - then again, we also don't know if he followed Rabbi Arush's advice in full.

Re your comment about emunah - of course it's all about emunah! - that only means recognizing that everything is within Hashem's control and He is the only power. It does not preclude hishtadlus - in fact, it calls for appropriate hishtadlus. G-d wants us to be active members of His world. Although they are sometimes called for, therapists and medications in themselves can't do anything. What's a little pill? What makes it act the way it does? G-d powers the entire world. Therapists are only people. They are not magic, and they don't always help. It may at times be appropriate hishtadlus to go to one, but ultimately, everything depends only on G-d.

At least one of Rabbi Arush's books on marital peace has the haskamah (approbation) of Rabbi Ovadya Yosef, zatzal, a very mainstream Orthodox rabbi. Is is unfair and inaccurate to portray him as being impractical or "out there" - Rabbi Arush's books are mainstream and are pure Torah and truth.

(57)
Anonymous,
April 25, 2012 5:29 AM

wow !

IF A WOMAN WOULD SEND THIS TO HER HUSBAND , WOULD HE NOT FEEL BLAMED AND BECOME ANGRIER ?
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE ! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK !

Judit,
April 25, 2012 3:27 PM

I am going to send him, and not because I am not happy wih him but because I want to prevent any problems of that kind. On the other hand this book has his pair "Women's wisdom", written for women.

Anonymous,
April 26, 2012 2:15 AM

I'm wondering the same thing!

(56)
Mendy,
April 25, 2012 2:43 AM

One hat fits all sizes?

Great! But what happens when a woman brings unresolved and previously unknown baggage into a marriage? Is there supposed to be an endless well of understanding by the husband, not to mention costs associated with the treatment, which often brings on huge financial pressures? Costs that should have been borne by parents who hushed matters up so as to enable the daughter to be married off? Is there a point when the same logic applies in reverse, that is, the wife needs to lift her game by accepting that she may very well be the root cause for disharmony. The article is very lovey-dovey but if it were that simple, that husbands follow all the suggestions within the article, resulting in a "happily ever after" event, gosh, there would never be divorces. Often, there are interfering in laws who only see negativeness in a son in law, never have the grace to admit they failed up in the upbringing of their daughter, and believe the husband, and he only is the one blame for (all) the difficulties within the marriage. Men need to pull their fingers out, and so do wives. It rarely is one way traffic.It takes two to tango.

Anonymous,
April 25, 2012 3:14 PM

it can't hurt to try

Try it for two weeks. You might be surprised that it works even if all the cards are stacked against you.

(55)
J,
April 24, 2012 11:05 PM

Thanks for sharing!!!

May G-d continue to help you

(54)
Fran Purdin,
April 24, 2012 5:28 PM

older woman who endured 32 years of marriage.

read with interest since I was married almost 32 years
to a verbally abusive, self centered man. I never felt
loved or cherished, these 15 years without him have been the happiest of my life. great article

(53)
Anonymous,
April 24, 2012 12:51 PM

I agree!

I also confirm this book has totally transformed my marriage - it's no fad! I got it for my husband a few years ago and we went from the brink of divorce to being the happiest we've ever been in 10 years. Not to say things are always rosy...we had a hard weekend and I told him to "read his book". He read a few pages to review and my life is once again heaven on earth. Hashem is so good! Thank G-d for Rav Arush and his books! You can find the whole "Garden" series on www.breslev.co.il.

(52)
Anonymous,
April 24, 2012 3:07 AM

Sound like my husband but not as bad

This resonated with me, because it sounds like a problem me and my husband have but not as bad. I read this to him and his stubborn ways won. Oh well....

(51)
stephen geller,
April 24, 2012 3:03 AM

a husband's responsibility

Right on target; my most recent take on our troubles in society, not to mention family, is our not taking responsibility for our own messes...each of us must clean up his[her] own mess. This means that first one must own the mess,accept the responsibility, and then act...the quicker the better.
If you think there are always two sides to every story, you're probably right; but, it doesn't matter: it takes two to fight, and if I always accept my part of the mess, then no matter who "started it" I can always finish it, and finish it so that we both win.
So, yeah: right on! Any marriage can work, even one with dysfunctional people [it is just harder if one or both have personal problems: ADD, bipolar, PTSD...but, it can be done!].
Thanx for the post; now I have to go and thank my wife for pointing this out to me!!!
steve

(50)
Laya,
April 24, 2012 2:30 AM

There's a "Garden of Peace" for women too

Even if you don't love the whole book, if you find one small action you can take that improves things, you've changed the whole trajectory of your marriage! My husband and I have each read our version of the book and we both got a lot from it (and we have a great, nearly 20 year marriage!)

(49)
Carl Rachel,
April 24, 2012 1:41 AM

The Closest We Get To Ourselves

I believe that through marriage we are given the unique opportunity to get the closest we can to ourselves. The marriage unites husband, wife, and God. Nothing can tip a well planted tripod. Even on uneven footing, the power of three holds firm. God blessed you once. Blessed you twice. Blesses you now.

(48)
Shirley Hultin,
April 24, 2012 12:38 AM

A little sugar makes the medicine go down

Men don't understand women at all this book sounds like an answer to prayer. we need Love and noticement and need to know we are valued. I wish man would read this book maybe it would save more marriages Our kids pay the price for divorice God Bless

(47)
Aaron,
April 23, 2012 8:35 PM

Perspective does wonders

I agree whole heartedly with you and commend you but a marriage consists of a man....and a woman. There is another side to this success story......her role in revitalizing your marriage. The transformation is mutual. Abolishing "cruelty" in your marriage is a standard both shall adhere to. As they say...It takes two to tango. (extenuating circumstances aside)

(46)
Layah Ornish,
April 23, 2012 7:56 PM

There's also a version of "Garden of Peace" for WOMEN! And both are available in several languages!

The book, "The Garden of Peace," is intended as a marital guide for men only.
There's an excellent version for WOMEN only, entitled, "Women's Wisdom."
Both "Garden of Peace" and "Women's Wisdom" have been translated into many languages and are available in Hebrew, Spanish, French, German, Russian, and Yiddish!
One website that has them is: www.breslev.co.il.

(45)
Anonymous,
April 23, 2012 5:03 PM

make sure everybody gets the message!

beautiful story- hope the peace remains forever! hatzlacha!

(44)
Anonymous,
April 23, 2012 4:39 PM

I have to read your article again.It is amazing that you looked within you to change.It s true the way my husbands reacts,tone of voice or ignores etc.. does have a big impact. I feel both a husband and a wife must do the same to look within and dotheir best to save the marriage if possible. I wish there was a way for couples to meet together in a group to get help and know we are not alone.I don't know how to save ours we too have four kids.We did start going to someone.We can't afford it. It takes two to bring marriage up and two to bring it down but what if the husband does the things that you mention and on top that something serious. We have serious issues(which I just erased from this comment) and how do i know what i write here will be kept private i'm afraid to post this comment maybe after changing your life around maybe you can start something worldwide on internet through Aish a way we can rebuild our relationships whether we are still married and/or people who might get back together.or if divorce is only option after trying very hard(if there is an option dependingon what is going on)

(43)
Steve Skeete,
April 23, 2012 3:00 PM

Garden for one, Please!

The "Garden of Peace" sounds like a lovely book, and I am very glad to know that it helped Mr. "anonymous". For the sake of his marriage, he is more than willing to take all the blame for his marital challenges, and I have no quarrel with that.
However, I must take issue with any partner who does not take responsibility for "complaints and nagging".
If when Mr. "anonymous" confessed his faults and asked for forgiveness for being a "cruel" husband, his partner forgave him, while acknowledging she also could have been a better spouse, then fine.
If, on the other hand, Mrs. "Anonymous" is content to let her husband take all the blame as well as full responsibility for the happiness of the family (and I seriously doubt any good wife would do this), then I do not hold out much hope for re-marriage number one.

Anonymous,
April 23, 2012 9:00 PM

So what if she agrees it was his fault. They have a good marriage now.

It doesn't matter who is to blame.If at least one[preferably both] focus on their obligations it should work fine. The problem is when people focus on their own rights and the other's obligations. The Torah is all about obligations and if you do your part the rest will follow in a positive manner

Sammy,
April 24, 2012 8:03 AM

steve, you have a point

I am really happy to hear that they repaired their marriage. Us men must do our utmost to make sure we fulfill our obligations as husbands. What I take issue with is that Mr. Anonymous made it seem very one sided. I take issue with this school of thought that "its always the man's fault". Yes anon, the torah prescribes obligations for men and women. But the author seemed to put the burden all on himself.

Helen,
April 25, 2012 4:53 PM

he manned up!

I think it's honourable that the writer of the article took responsibility - it emphasises his manhood. maybe it's that failure by a lot of our men that causes so many things to go wrong. God didn't go to Eve after the incident in the garden - He went to Adam - he had to give an account for went wrong. i believe that God will honor his actions and as he already revealed - he is HAPPY and God is undoubtly pleased with him also!

Misha,
April 25, 2012 7:00 PM

SOOO women are perfect and NEVER create marital problems on their own?

i think Helen...should "woman up" and accept that women have their own faults too. that some DO in fact destroy their own marriages regardless of how good or bad a husband is. How many women "settle" yet wish they had some other guy from a failed relationship...? or flirt, get career oriented and/or expect the worse from men in general 'cause its convenient for them to believe that? G-d/Torah commands women to see the emotional side of their husbands as well (Prov 31). AND accept that we men have needs too and that often women don't have any interest in meeting them. no i'm not talking sexual - which is what feminist propaganda has reduced the perception of men to the level off. in the age of feminism, its easy to blame men and its also a destructive imbalance of bad "wisdom". the author is contributing to the self righteousness of women and exempting them of responsibility - by teaching them to blame their husbands for their own failures. "an unbalanced weight is an abomination to the L-rd..." that doesn't only pertain to the use of money.

(42)
Kevin O'Neil,
April 23, 2012 12:16 PM

Thank you Anon. for your courage and honesty.
An excellent Article.

(41)
Anonymous,
April 23, 2012 12:06 PM

What husbands need to know

Husbands need to know that the quickest way to destroy a marriage is disrespect their wife. The best example a husband can show his children is how much he loves their mother.

(40)
mike,
April 23, 2012 10:47 AM

know what inspires you

Sometimes I get the feeling what God wants from us is to simply get about doing what we know is well to do. As a husband, one of my joys in my wife is when she goes ahead with a decision or job without needing me to help her get started. When she "pulls that little act of hers", I feel the life drain from me. I just don't comprehend the "responsibility", so-called, of having to do it, and most likely, never will.

(39)
ROBIN,
April 23, 2012 9:12 AM

at the right time

similar hate -deep hatred feel like smashing her .....-but knew all along there must be something that I am not doing right-I dont care what the outcome is-i just dont wanna live with this hatred anymore -she is very stubborn and self-righteous

(38)
Carol,
April 23, 2012 8:48 AM

Two-way Street

Men are not the only ones at fault here ... women have become bossy and demanding. Women must stop blaming and accept that they have made mistakes in how they treated their husbands as well!
Accept your husband as the leader, and show respect for his God-given position.....because anything with two heads is a monster!

Anonymous,
April 23, 2012 4:45 PM

True leadership

True leadership stems from understanding the needs of those being led. Truly great Jewish leaders are humble and compassionate and never demanding. Men must give first and women will respond in kind after trust is developed. A woman wants to revolve around her husband, but she must feel loved and respected to feel secure enough to do that. Please understand that as your wife's husband, you affect her entire life in ways that no one else can come close to doing. Make her life magical instead of miserable. Then you will feel good about yourself as well and will not need her to treat you in a specific way. You will let her be her own person.

(37)
yssubramanyam,
April 23, 2012 3:32 AM

excellent

(36)
Gillian,
April 23, 2012 1:30 AM

recognition of fault

I suspect that this advice is mostly for abusive husbands. The man rarely understands that he is taking out his frustrations and poor upbringning on the woman and often the children too. As long as both parties are ready and willing to work with each other then a happy contented relationship will happen. All relationships need to be fed and watered even when the sun is shining otherwise the flower will die anyway. But the woman is the home maker and her contribution to the husband's wellbeing must also be acknowledged.

(35)
Susan,
April 23, 2012 12:54 AM

It works, and it works both ways!

My husband is wonderful. Early on in our marriage it didn't always feel that way. He was aloof and we rarely conversed. He used to go on long car rides without telling me and he'd get angry if I asked him to start telling me how long he'd be away. I drew my insight from a little book which was based on the biblical view on marriage. It said that ultimately, the husband, as the "man of the house," was to be respected and nurtured in a kind, loving manner by his wife and be the absolute final say in all disagreements.. I consulted that little book frequently during the first several months of our marriage, and I did what it said to do.To make a long story short, miracles took place as I trusted God and loved and respected my husband unconditionally We've grown into a remarkably loving friendship on top of an relatively stress free and intimate marriage relationship. You might say that "biting the bullet" payed off big time and I couldn't be happier. I think this article, which was very well written, got the answer right and I believe that when either spouse relies on their own behavior to make a marriage work, it's a success story. Thank you for sharing.

(34)
Simon,
April 22, 2012 11:32 PM

Wow! Just.....wow!!

A million thank yous for sharing this with the world. May your marriage be blessed beyond your wildest dreams!!

(33)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 11:27 PM

brilliant a must read

As a counselor, wife, and mother I cannot tell you what a brilliant breath of fresh air this article is. The effect of nuture on the wife helps with her mental, physical and spiritual well being. Five stars.

(32)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 10:37 PM

If only...

If only my ex-husband had read that book or had a similar understanding of the dynamics of marriage. I am a convert, and am now left alone to raise our children Jewish. They have been traumatized by the divorce and unfortunately he shows little interest in them.

Ariel E,
January 4, 2013 3:43 PM

Sorry to hear that

My heart goes to all the broken families that have suffered because of the selfishness and irresponsibility of its members. May you and everyone around you (especially your children) find light and solace very soon.

(31)
Russel,
April 22, 2012 10:21 PM

I'v found a truth that is, i believe is very applicable to my home, thank you

What else could i say for the summary drawn to nature (sun & Flower). I will start practicing this now so that i have a true happy home. Fortunately i still hang on to it as i was thinking of separating at any time but the timing of this article came in time. Thansk

(30)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 10:17 PM

life-changing book!

without reading the whole article it became more and more obvious to me that it was leading up to thia amazing book which a beautiful friend of mine gave me and which has set me on a completely new path. I was gobsmacked by this book which seemed to be written for me with inside knowledge of all my comments and thoughts! I don't think there's a married man on the planet who won't benefit immensely from reading even one chapter let alone all of this book!

(29)
anymous,
April 22, 2012 10:13 PM

great message

Great message every married man should read. i have one concern though Rav Aloush clearly states in the introduction that the book and its message is reserved to men only and cautions women should not read for obvious reasons

(28)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 7:52 PM

There are better sources than Rabbi Arush

Rabbi Arush emphasizes a husband's responsibilities, but there are many wonderful articles on the Aish website by Rabbi Dov Heller, Emuna Braverman, and others that discuss the mutual responsibilities of each spouse in demonstrating Chesed and respect, and in learning how to apologize for hurting a partner's feelings. There are some people who, because of childhood or early adult trauma, become verbally or physically abusive and require intervention. It would be unfair to place responsibility for such behavior on the non-abusive partner, and imply that such abusive behavior will disappear if only the other partner behaves in a particular way. The healthier approach is to treat each partner equally, and require both to show love an respect for the other. Kindness is a Torah obligation that is not limited to one gender.

(27)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 7:46 PM

Women's Wisdom

"Women's Wisdom", the Shalom Bayit book for women is a must read for all the wives!

(26)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 7:27 PM

Till children do us part

While I am glad you found "your" answer/solution, I believe that either of you sacrificing being correct for being smart in the long run, would have worked. In modern era, there is too much feeling by wives that the children come before the husband and they do not see the big picture - that a good marriage is more important for the children than waiting on them every moment and worrying/investigating about what developmental toys they need to have. I went thru a somewhat similar situation (tho without divorce) and I think only the easing of the childrearing burden as they are no longer babies is one of the things that helped the most ... and of course that we cared enough about our family to stay together. Now that the youngest is nearly 6, we start to have some time for each other and are sleeping better and that is very important.

(25)
SusanE,
April 22, 2012 7:19 PM

Need to Know More

Does you wife continue to speak badly of your family or has she apologized? That is very hurtful. Does she support your parenting and do you agree on raising your children? Does your wife complain about anything now that you do what she expects of you .......that you now 'get her' ? I love happy outcomes. Both men and women should read 'Garden of Peace'.

b,
April 23, 2012 11:53 AM

i have the same questions

also, is she no longer passive aggressive? was/is she passive aggressive with other people? Lastly how long has your "tshuva" behavior been in effect? i sincerely hope, the author will respond. i will be very grateful.

(24)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 6:40 PM

Great article!!!

Please keep writting articles like this one. I believe many marriages could be helped by them.

Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 10:34 PM

Very good article Irelly enjoyed it

My marriage is in a similar situation; when I read your essay I thought ' that sounds exactly like my marriage" except the periods of happiness have been shorter. I'm constantly clouded by thoughts of divorce blaming my self for not being able to make my wife happy. I feel like my resources are exousted and no matter what I do she is never happy. Twenty years into our marriage and the memories of happiness are only when I buy the things that she wants leaving us in debt, and being in debt frustrates me I hate to owe, I like to purchase the items that I can afford cash. I do nt what to bore you with my problems. Thank you for writing this article, I will look for the recommended books. Thank You very much

(23)
charles L. Richman,
April 22, 2012 6:29 PM

Should we look this way or that way?

In the AISH TORAH PARSHA Tazria-Metzora, section published during the first week of Iyar, Rabbi Ozer Alport quoted an inspiring message written by Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky that is relavent to the present article.
I man who gave up being frum (observant) stated he did so because of what he experienced in the Nazi death camps. Rabbi Silver visited survivors of the Shoah. The man refused to attend even one minyan and told Rabbi Silver what he saw in the death camp turned him against anything associated with observance. The man stated that a religious Jew in the camps smuggled a siddur into the camps and loaned it out to many others in exchange for their ration of food. The non-observant man said to Rabbi Silver that he gave up being frum when he saw how this observant Jew was taking advantage of his fellow Jews. In a calm, gentle manner, Rabbi Silver respnded, "Perhaps it would be more appropriate to focus and recognize how many Jews were willing to give up their precious food rations in order to be able to pour out their hearts to HASHEM in prayer". Working with the severely wounded veterans from the War on Terror I see these young men and women focussing on the positive and what they can do without an arm or both legs.

(22)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 5:25 PM

Tears in my eyes

This is a beautiful, courageous article. Thank you so much for your honesty and your awareness. I see so many men disrespecting their women. Every man should read this.

(21)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 4:56 PM

Yes, Rav Arush's insights offer amazing power for change!

I have a similar story - from a woman's point of view. After 18 years divorced I finally remarried, only to feel like I had volunteered for hell! The rabbi who married us advised me to divorce again. I was frantic -- until a friend told me about "The Garden of Emunah". Disregarding our terrible financial straits, for which I blamed my new husband, I immediately ordered the book online. It saved my life!! It's not an easy read. The wording is simplistic (I have since found the original Hebrew to be much better) and the concepts often run counter even to frum culture, although everything he says is clearly from the Torah. Putting the principles into practice requires sustained effort but it's well worth it! I went on to read "Women's Wisdom" which is even more difficult to accept. This was two years ago. We started a women's discussion group for Garden of Emunah that has really helped me to integrate these principles. And in our regular Torah learning I now see clearly that Rav Arush's teachings were there all along but it took his skillful distillation to bring the awareness to our assimilated minds. Through these teachings I have moved into a new realm not only of shalom bayit but of appreciation of Hashem and His creation. These books should be required reading for everyone trying to live a life of Torah!

(20)
Leslie-Ann,
April 22, 2012 4:49 PM

What A Beautiful Story....

...thank you for sharing.

(19)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 4:29 PM

thank you for sharing

I give you much credit to be able to honestly look at your own behavior and be able to do something to effect a change. That takes incredible strength and integrity. We too have benefited tremendously from Rabbi Arush's books but even more so from the CD's that Rb Brody puts out with his teachings. They are constantly on during car rides. I think we have grown more from thess past 6 months of tapes than from several years of marital therapy- or maybe we were just in a more receptive place to absorb the teachings. Whatever the case, we Thank Hashem every day for these insights.
Thank you for being so honest in sharing your growth. may Hashem continue to give you strength and may you both be zoche to see much nachas from your family.

(18)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 4:16 PM

What husbands need to know

That was a very one sided article. What about the Talmud ont the duties of the wife? Is it now ok for a wife to criticise a husband's family or has she stopped doing it?

Susan,
April 22, 2012 8:05 PM

response

The whole point is that when a husband treats his wife with respect, she will in turn give him respect. When a husband treats his wife badly, he will get bad in return.

Anonymous,
April 9, 2014 6:23 AM

It's one sided because it's written from the husband's point of view. The point is that even one partner can effect change if he/she takes responsibility for HIS/HER side.

(17)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 3:41 PM

Similar experience

I went through a similar experience in my marriage. In fact, I actually married another woman. I thought that I had finally found happiness. However, G-d did not let me enjoy my life. I was trying to build happiness upon the misery of my now ex-wife and kids. To make matters worse, I was not able to forget the look of permanent sadness on my kids' face. I divorced my second wife. After a while, and after visiting my kids every other weekend, my wife and I decided to give our failed marriage another try. Most people recommended otherwise, and predicted a second failure. After a couple of months of being remarried, the old habits returned and our relationship went back to its old state. However, this time G-d had showed me that I was the problem and the one able to make a difference in my relationship with my wife and my kids. To make a very long story short, I decided to surrender my self to G-d and His Torah and be the husband and father that His Word says I should be. Today we are enjoying the marriage that G-d intended for His children to have. Everything is possible with G-d.
Shalom

Chaim,
April 22, 2012 6:04 PM

In marriage it's about what can I do for you

Rabbi Shalom Arush explains that it is the man who need to start something. If we are busy looking for the wife to change than how can the situation change (we are the one who needs to change)
By the way Rav Arush does have a book for Women, but it's only for women.

(16)
Roberta Bernhard,
April 22, 2012 3:40 PM

This article was beautiful; and my heart filled with happiness, once I knew that all would be well with this husband and his wife. Thank you for your honesty.

(15)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 3:36 PM

Thank God He sent this to us!!

Nothing is a coincedence. I pray to Godthis will do only and always what I have been praying for. We love eachother, it is just lack of communication and the way he was raised..G-d Willing, may we also find that blessing you were sent , Thank God we are very near and have blessings already. Amen. Thank you and enjoy your beautiful wife that God gave you and the life that you now regained. Le'Chaim & to LOVE!

(14)
David Howard,
April 22, 2012 3:23 PM

This was a fantastic story. I have been married for 40 years and I can see the same problems that we have, only no where as severe. I do work every day at trying to "keep the peace". I do feel that Hashem gave me my wife and I have to take care of her.
Thank you.

(13)
Masha Shaina,
April 22, 2012 3:21 PM

Shalom bias goes both ways

It is never one sided. The hurts multiply exponentially as does the love and respect. As Aristotle said" excellence is not an art but a habit. One must practice it every day.

(12)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 3:08 PM

Beautiful story of personal growth and how that benefits the entire family. I wish every father and husband could read his story. Fortunately my husband is ideal and aware, we are blessed.

(11)
Lori Crilley,
April 22, 2012 3:06 PM

Needed information

As a flower in need of sun I shared this with my husband. We shall see.

Anonymous,
April 23, 2012 12:09 AM

FYI

You may already know this but if the wife's perspective is that her husband must always take the blame and sacrifice his honor, you will inevitably be under-appreciative. A wife must view herself as the responsible party while a husband views himself as responsible, only then can you both appreciate each other. Sorry if you already knew this but your post looked alarming.

(10)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 3:02 PM

still in trouble

I would like to express the feeling that this marriage is still in trouble! The author has maintained that the reason the marriage was in trouble was the wife's fault. He also maintains that the marriage has improved due to his personal changes. Even though he believes that he was wrong in attributing all the problems to his wife, his words belie this. The feeling that his wife was responsible & now he is the one who will "save" this marriage smacks of a Superman feeling. I am sorry for these people & hope that they continue in any counseling that has been done in order to level out the playing field & bring a modicum of real peace to this situation.

Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 5:29 PM

Still in trouble?

This respondant should read the Garden of Peace before passing such a negative comment. Rabbi Brody, who translated Rav Arush's books, says over and over again on his tapes: "make your wife number one in your life". The author of the article has understood this message. With Hashem's help, this marriage is now growing on the strongest of foundations. May it be a long and very happy marriage.

(9)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 2:58 PM

paradigm shift

It is such a shame that we are not given guidance and mentoring in good relationships earlier in life. Our parents' model is rarely adequate. The shifts in thinking needed to improve relationships require us to reflect at length on who we are, to go beyond ego to higher self, to understand the concept of negative projection (ie. that which we most dislike in somone
else is a projection of our own thoughts about ourselves), working on making friends with our shadow self (Jung and others write about this) in order to find the most unloveable place inside and really love it, thus freeing up a lost radiant self.
Beyond this, I think many/most of us have emotional wounds of some kind from childhood which lead to transference, rather than authentic behaviour. If we can recognise this (ie see our hidden anger, fear etc) and work to heal it, we will become freer in our relationships and more spontaneously take responsibility in the way that the man writing about found the courage to do, by waking up and becoming conscious (rather than letting unconscious traces sabotage his life). The US Jungian psychotherapist David Richo writes about these issues in his insightful, poetic and comforting book When the Past is Present: heading the emotional wounds that sabotage our relationships. I have personally found it one of the finest books on this subject. Let's find ways to avoid getting bogged down in old painful paradigms and recycling old ways, and commit to relationships as positive and creative manifestation instruments.

(8)
Jonathan,
April 22, 2012 2:48 PM

Tnx

Thank you so much for sharing this personal story!

(7)
david e,
April 22, 2012 2:46 PM

your comments

great thoughts, thank you.

(6)
Barry Mase,
April 22, 2012 2:33 PM

another really good book besides the Garden of Peace is called the Menuchash Principle by Shaya Ostrow...i enjoyed it very much...anyone else read it?

(5)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 1:16 PM

Wow! I am impressed! I was stuck with a partner that treated me in a very cruel and shabby manner for many years. I stayed for 25 years because I had been taught in Yeshivas that it was the woman that needed to do the utmost to maintain the Shalom Bayis in the home. I tried my best. I ran to therapists (my husband at the time would not go, because he thought he was a "great guy" that didn't need any help.) Finally, after many years of pain I hit my rock bottom and got out. I have no regrets. In fact I feel totally at peace with my decision. However, I must say, you sound like a special person that was able to finally face your character flaws and really work to change. That is very admirable. I have never read an article like this and it truly does make sense! If only there were more men out there that had the ability to think this way, there would be a whole lot more happily married women out there. May G-d bless you and your wife to continue to lovingly grow in your relationship.

(4)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 12:25 PM

WOW!

Rabbi Shalom Arush also wrote a counterpart book for women about marriage. But as a woman, I do agree, if a woman feels love, she will be a different woman. On the other hand, if you are a woman in a painful marriage, don't despair: you too can possibly turn over your marriage by yourself.

(3)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2012 11:35 AM

Signficant others

I want to share this concept, I read that forJudaism it is a mitzvah (divine mandate) to do acts of kidness for the benefit of others, your spouse is "the first other"

(2)
manuel,
April 22, 2012 11:27 AM

Great men care about small actions

I prepare breakfast for my wife everyday, I consider this an important mitzvah (act of kindness) and not just a common chore, and I have this concept clear in my mind while I am doing it. All marriages have its up and downs, Aish articles helped me a lot to manage my marriage as I have learned what really counts

Lisa,
April 23, 2012 12:51 AM

it is the small things that add up!!

Good for you!! That's a great way to start the day!!

(1)
Lisa,
April 22, 2012 11:01 AM

......here's to many many years of happiness & peace

You were also open to want to change & make things better.......you were ready to accept that "the ball was in your court." Many men are too immature to be on that level..& their ego gets in the way....good for you for wanting to make the change & being open to your friends suggestion to read The Garden of Peace.......!!!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...