Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Never Say Die Another Death Again Mr Blond

The one James Blond film I've never actually seen is "Moonraker", so imagine my excitement when I noticed in the TV guide that it was going to be shown Sunday afternoon. Then I read on, only to have the TV guide’s junior sub-editor' completely ruin it for me by giving away the entire plot in precise detail:
"James Blond investigates the mysterious disappearance of a space shuttle and uncovers a plot to take over the world".
I was seriously pissed off I can tell you. Giving away the entire film in one crappy, throw away sentence. Then I remembered, we had a DVD of "Die Another Death" and I hadn't seen that, so I thought, "fair go, that's a decent substitute and Pierced Brodson is OK", so I decided I’d watch it. Now, 48 hrs later, having fully absorbed the spectacle, but still smarting from the Moonraker-plot-spoiling TV guide, I still feel cheated but I've decided that I can just as easily write a film review that will not only whet the appetite, but won't give anything of the plot away, so here it is:
There was this attack on a Commie North Korean base by James Blond and some Cornish surfers with lots of explosions and machine gun fire and he nearly got killed and then there was this chase on military hovercraft with guns and explosions and he nearly got killed and he was captured. Then he spent 14 months of torture in a filthy interrogation centre manned by psycho’s where he nearly got killed. His hair was all matted and long but even after 14 months he still looked really well fed (funny, that), then there was this explosion and an escape with a chase and machine guns. Then there was this exotic Cuban beach resort with an abundance of every luxury (bloody loads of good booze and grub for a Commie State, I recon we’ve been fed political bullshit all these years) and there was this busty bimbo appearing from the sea, in a wet bikini (well it would be, being in the sea), anyway, out of the sea she came for no good reason. She had one of those really subtle double entendre/innuendo type names that these films are famous for. I think it was “Tig Bits” or “Jow Blob” or similar. Then they ended up on a bed under a sheet. They were so sweaty but still they wanted to be covered up by that sheet. Then they were in a secret high-tech Cuban base, full of lasers, where they blew it up – more explosions and machine gun fire – and nearly got killed. Then some geezer, I think it was Basil Fawlty, gave him an Aston Martin. Then there was this weird bloke who wanted to take over the world and Blond got into a nearly-deadly duel with him and nearly got killed (thank the Lord they were both experts in all sorts of sword fighting techniques) then there was an exotic location on a frozen lake and explosions and a chase and machine guns and he nearly got killed. Then another bimbo appeared but she wouldn’t get under that sheet with him unless it was strictly called for in the line of dooty, so into bed they got, then there was a chase with a fancy Jag with rockets, explosions and machine guns and he nearly got killed, but the Aston had more rockets and machine guns and ejector seats than the Jag did. Then there was a massive space device that was destroying the world and then the weird sword fighting nutter started this maniacal laughter and unleashed the doomsday device and Blond managed to run alongside a jet plane and get on and nearly got killed and then the aforementioned irrelevant bimbos ended up on the plane and there were explosions and machine guns and tits all over the place and blokes hanging out of the plane and he nearly got killed. Then the screen went black and all these names scrolled up the screen and Mrs Hogday nudged me, said, "Well at least with a Blond film you know what to expect", then asked if I would nip down to the shops.
And here's the best bit; as I drove into the supermarket car park, some old guy stepped out in front of me. I’ll never forget that look of naked fear in his eyes. And just like in the Blond film… he nearly got killed.