"In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going." R. M. Drake

Friday, July 20, 2012

Feeling Uneasy

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately about my health. No worries, my Crohn's is doing fine... In fact I've been feeling great with it. But instead it's my heart that I'm concerned about. Not emotionally, but physically. Right now I almost wish I could say that it was my Crohn's disease acting up instead of the other. Because my Crohn's is known. I know how to deal with the pain, the bleeding, the frequent bathroom trips, the extreme fatigue.
But these heart palpitations and flutters are very very much in the unknown category. I went to the doctor a couple of months ago to get some antibiotics for my HS and talk to her about the weird sensations and chest pain that I've been having. I knew that something was not right, but I couldn't exactly place what was going on. Was it something normal that everyone sometimes has? I didn't know.
I have had palpitations for some time, actually for as long as I can remember. Playing sports, just sitting, stretching, turning over in the middle of the night... it's something that's always happened to me. I just never thought anything of it. I always thought it was normal. But until the past year and a half I haven't really noticed them much and haven't payed much attention to them. And never before had I gotten chest pain, either. I started really noticing it after a 2 mile walk. I got some serious chest pain and horrible sensations in my chest. It really concerned me so I slowly walked home, sat down, tried to cool off and check my heart rate. It was elevated -- something I expected. I just figured that maybe I got really overheated and needed some water because after I cooled down and rest a little bit I felt better.

But it kept happening more and more frequently. Usually any kind of activity would set my heart off and sometimes even just resting I would get an 'episode'. My doctor listened to my heart for awhile and she said that she did notice a "snap" at one point, though I didn't feel anything at the time. She told me that it probably wasn't too much to be concerned about right now but she did think that I might have something called Mitral Valve Prolapse (MVP). (you can google it if you want to learn more)

Usually they run tests for it and look to see how severe it is but a lot of times it isn't an issue. The only thing is right now with me is that I don't have health insurance... of course. I said that if it's something that we need to do, then just do it. She wasn't too concerned about it and said that for right now I would probably be okay until I was able to get some insurance. She was hesitant to run any tests because if it turns out to confirm the MVP it would make things 10 times harder to get insurance, and of course my premiums would be higher, etc My mom and I both agreed with the doctor, but don't even get me started with how WRONG it is that I have to be concerned about getting the proper testing in fear of NOT being able to get insurance later =(( Ugh!

For awhile after seeing my doctor things were okay. It only happened maybe once every week, if that. For awhile I didn't even notice it. But for about 2-3 weeks now it's come back and it's really been bothering me. It seems a lot worse than before. When I have the episodes they last for quite a long time. I have also noticed that if I am upset, excited, angry, or any range of emotions it will happen. I really don't like this. Not only is it super annoying and really bothers me, it makes me SO uneasy that something is wrong. I know that this is not normal =/

I hate that it is something to do with my heart. Whether there is something I can take for it, or not, I don't like it. I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings towards this... it's hard to put it into words. Some of it relates to having to go through something a little bit scary without Spencer. I know that I have been through a lot in the medical world, but it seems to me like Spencer was always so, so much stronger than I will ever be when it came to a new diagnosis or going through tests. Even if he was internally scared about the unknown, he very rarely let it show. I wish that he could be here for me to talk to about this.

And granted I know that I most likely will never just drop dead from any of this... or even get sick enough to be close to that. But I know how precious life can be. I've seen what can happen. And because we're talking about one of the most vital organs in the body, that's why it makes me a little scared. What if something would go wrong unexpectedly? I don't know if this is an irrational thought or not... I'm just expressing how I feel.

I also am just uneasy about having tests run and either finding out that nothing is wrong at all (then what is the reason for these palpitations and chest pain?!) or finding out that something is in fact wrong. Either way.. I know I'm not going to like the result. -sigh-

I'm probably over thinking this all, like I normally do. But I also don't want to just brush off my feelings as over reacting. That's why I decided to sit down and write it all out.

Going back to the doctor tomorrow for some more antibiotics and I'm going to talk to her about it... see if she can't tell me more of her thoughts on it all. Last time it seemed really rushed because of an ER. =/ I just hope everything goes okay and she can ease my mind!!!!

1 comment:

It makes me so angry about the insurance issue, how that people can put themselves in all sorts of health issues simply because they don't have insurance or the insurance they have doesn't cover it. I can see it slowly going that was over here in Aust....and it worries me greatly (I have a husband who had a heart attack and had to have an operation) about what might happen with myself and my husband in the future....and I worry for you too, it's wrong and it shouldn't be allowed