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4rm Cutie Shruti

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About Me

Each Day is a lesson. I enjoy reading, dancing, writing, trips around the celluloid world, and living life queen size, but on my terms !! For the rest read up to catch up ;) My blogs are open to your perusal & critique. My thoughts, heart felt poems and stories to enthrall you ...

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Festivals - something about them changes you. The warmth of the atmosphere envelopes you taking you for a flight that has you struck with awe and the irrepressable desire to make the day/s unique. To celebrate this one life that has been granted to us to live !!

Diwali is here!! These 5 days have me wanting a clean house, lights all around, delicious food, the company of wonderful peoplw n grandeur in everything I grace my senses with.

Last week we celebrated Halloween with the decorating of our house with the series light (in lieu of the festival season leading upto New Yrs) n distributing candy to the cute costume clad superheroes, toys, princesses, witches n angels.

Dhanteras found me enjoying a wonderful afternoon with friends n then spending the day at friends'. The gold buying ritual got exchanged for golden moments that I'll cherish.

Choti Diwali was spent recuperating as I do every two three days by lounging around home and in the evening had a nice dinner with Hubby getting him to try dishes that I had Very recently ( read : the day before ) discovered.

Diwali morning was spent sharing greetings with family. While this was happening I scampered around the house re arranging things so as to avoid the clutter and make it easier for hubby to do some much needed cleaning that I'm incapable of these days. Evening found hubby taking photos and me lighting candles all around after a delicious meal.

New Year night, as I sat in my home that some how magically I've gotten to smell like my mom's home, waiting for the guests to bring in the new year I wish my family was here to enjoy the yummy chat n games I've put together.

End of the day has me reeling in pain and swelling with joy at the end of a successful Diwali Bash !! People enjoyed the Chat options I'd put together and I loved all the laughter and food that every one else had brought.

Today is Bhaidooj and as always I miss my brother and long for the day I can celebrate atleast one Rakhi or Bhaidooj with him without having miles of ocean between us.

Maybe as with all other celebrations, this one too will have to be celebrated in an Inventive and unorthodox manner. Maybe I'll get him to come on webcam and see his lovely smile !! :-)

A truly memorable Diwali !! Can't wait for next year when I'll have my own Family to rejoice with. God Willing !!

I often wonder why change is so scary ?! As the time of the 2nd biggest change of my life approaches, fear grips my heart. Almost as much if not more, the excitement of holding my own flesh n blood in my arms.

We tend to get so mellow in our comfort zones n routines that any threat to the same is seen as a potential disaster waiting to happen.

I for one dread the loss of the balance that my hubby n I have developed over the years. Even though Im well aware that the balance had taken on the shape of monotony, I wonder how erratic the new sounds n routines will be.

I know this fear is baseless n a lil selfish too. I know I WANT this change with my whole being, yet each day that brings me closer to the new person in me feels a lil sad for the person I'll be leaving behind..

This is what someone said to me recently - " on our deathbeds will we really know what we were born to do...nice one...hope none of us regret ...it knowing the truth then ... "

I wonder. Why is it that people have a " don't think about it, don't talk about it " attitude towards REGRET. Regrets are a part of life. I have so many of them, where I wish I hadn't done this or said that. Regrets are what teach you what NOT to do later in life. What's important is to know that no matter what happened , you tried your best. You took the most honest path along the way of life and if you didn't, knowing that then it's important to realize that and try to make amends as best as you can.

Yeah, don't obsess over them but yeah, personally I think one should always take time out and atleast try to figure our where one had gone wrong when life takes a turn for the worst or unexpected!!! Don't push all your mistakes under the rug, blaming them on timing, others or whatever else diversions you can think of. Take responsibility for your actions and what You, yourself could have done differently.

And if by my deathbed, I do have regrets I haven't been able to realize or amend ... well, hopefully I live a life such that the Almighty will understand that I would have if I had more time ...

With all the ups and downs that I've been experiencing healthwise lately, I've had a revelation of sorts. Yes, another one ! Life is full of them :-)

Some days have been thinking that I'm the ugliest person on earth. I look in the mirror and all I see is the tired, sad looking person who just puked her guts out and wishes could just sleep these remaining months off.

Inspite of my hubby's constant reminders of me being good enough and that I just need to get out and do some shopping, I don't bother with what I'm wearing or how I'm looking for I couldn't possibly work on this disaster with any success

And then few and far between are those days when I look in the mirror and feel like, " Hey, that face ain't all that bad ! ' I can see hope there. I feel like dressing up and then I do. I blow dry my hair into shape, wear something pretty, put on my kajal, some perfume and some lipstick, if not vaseline. I put on some trinklets and my fancy shoes and can feel myself transforming into someone who " feels " beautiful and find myself smiling at my own work of art in the mirror.
I can't describe the relief and joy I felt when I bought the maternity pants and started going out shopping for ' myself ' after months of wallowing in a bad mood. The right shoes, the right clothes, the right perfume all help in making me a better me, not only from the outside but from the inside as well.

What I guess I realized is, along with that smile, it always helps to have the right accessories to help you imagine a better you in every sense of the word from attitude to materialistic objects !!

I've lived almost three decades now and yet when I talk to my mother who has two more decades on me, we have disagreements over what life means and what's the best way to resolve a situation - hypothetical or real.

Just yesterday, we were conversing and my mother says that all that happens is with the will of God. Our decisions, actions, every minute event that occurs is coz that is what God wants.

Now I honestly do not agree with that. For that pretty much absolves people of taking responsibility for anything that they do or happens in their life. It's like saying, no matter what you've done, you aren't responsible. Besides, where is the fun in living life to the fullest, if it's the life you would be having no matter what decision you take.

My belief is that life is in our hands. God isn't so cruel as to make you miserable on purpose or make you do bad things but yes, He defines certain paths in your life. The one you take leads you to the next one in the matrix and so on. While this may be a lot of work for Him, I believe that's where free will comes into the picture.

To which my dear mother responded, " Then why is it that bad things happen to good people or people with good intentions cannot go through on their desires ? "

I admit that stumped me for a minute but I came back with the logic that, "The intention is what matters. The action may or may not come to fruitation because our lives our not our own. They are connected to a number of individuals whose paths and intentions influence ours.

Thus, supposing you ( my mother ) wants to go to the temple, but father is busy at work and no one can pick you up and give you a ride then that doesn't mean you didn't want to go. That just means that things didn't work out. "

Now lots of people out there might find flaws with my point of view but then it's a work in progress. I just felt I should put it out there to see the reaction it Might generate. :)

Life is changing ... slowly but surely. Where have I been the past four months ?! Hmmm....

The good news is the I'm expecting. :-) And I couldn't be happier about it.

The bad news is the I've been too sick to even think about writing or any other extra curricular activity for that matter. Any exertion physical or mental added to all the pregnancy symptoms and lack of sleep has me reeling. Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin has taken a new meaning and the temperature/mood fluctuations have my hubby cringing in anticipation.

Till the first time I saw the first ultra sound of the baby I just felt I was sick. Once I saw that, everything starts seeming to be worth it.

But damn, it's all as scary as it is exciting !! One second I'm imagining what the baby might be like, how naughty it's going to be and the other minute I'm freaking out at how I'll manage life with a baby in it. On one side, I try to do everything everyone tells me to make sure I do everything right. On the other, I'm whispering to the baby asking if it's all right !!

Sure, it's all a very natural process of life but I envy those who have a smooth and easy pregnancy just having to deal with the tribulations of being with a mom when the baby starts it's first breath in the real world.

Everyone keeps saying to be happy, but how does one find the time to be happy when all they are doing is trying to get through another day as comfortably as possible !! The number of horror stories of pregnancy , delivery and the actual child rearing don't really act as lullabies either. Why is it people Never talk about the joys of being a parent ?!I swear if one more person tells me to think happy thoughts, I might just sock them !!! No offense ..

And the decisions ... urghhh !! Oscillating between doing what's right compared to what you really want sucks big time causing more mental strain.

Above all, the desire to do something is as always inversely proportional to the number of reasons one should not do it to which I attribute my intense craving for SHUSHI !!!

Oh sure, people around me couldn't be kinder but inspite of it all, I seem to be extremely alone and I have a sneaking suspicion this is only the beginning ...

I just finished seeing the movie, Julie and Julia. For someone who is totally passionate about writing as well as cooking the story was something I could truly connect with.

I remember when I started blogging I too was in the exact same situation as Julie Powell in the movie. Lost! Since I was spending most parts of days by myself, I needed an outlet. I also wanted to start putting my writing out there to get a better idea on how to improve my thoughts and skills. I believed I had something to say that was worth listening to.

Slowly the concept grew and now I have 5 blogs, each that I maintain for different reasons. Poems, Musings, Stories, Books and Our Daily Life. Each one is just as precious to me as the other. And each time I publish a new post, I hope the one reading can connect to it ... at any level. This effort of mine finds it's goal. A means to an end, to reach out and touch another.

The same goes for my cooking. I am a total foodie and Love to cook. The cleaning up after not so much. I cook delicacies that always bring a content smile to my hubby's face. I would rather work in the kitchen for 4 hours cooking up something exotic, than spend half an hour cooking a basic meal of pulses, veggies and breads. That is my boon and my curse. Sometimes I use a recipe from a trusted source, other times it's a concoction of 5 recipes from the internet and other times it's a product of my imaginative palate. I love the sizzle in the pan, the changing colors of a dish, the aromas that fill the house with hunger and the flavours that satisfy the cravings of my inner soul.
End of the day, both my blogs and the cooking give me something to do and get artistic with. They fill me with a sense of joy every time I click on ' Publish Post ' or serve up a dish. I feel a sense of inexplicable accomplishment. It may not mean much to another but it fills me with pure happiness.

The movie is a true inspiration to those of us who started a blog for unknown reasons, with whatever theme we chose. Just like Julie felt in the movie. She wanted to give herself a direction while working on her penmanship. And she did do that. 524 recipes in 365 days. She found a voice, became popular by some weird quirk of fate and went on to writing books and inspiring movies. Julia Child, her inspiration never quite approved of the blog but then it wasn't about ever supposed to be about cooking. Julie Powell agrees that she never claimed to be a good cook. The blog was supposed to be about living.

I believe that is what any blogger is working towards. To give direction to a part of their life, be it their writing, art, recipes, thoughts or feelings even. For me blogging is all that and more. It's a way of life, an inspiration, something to do and a hope.

V day was coming up and I was super excited. Not just coz the world would be celebrating love, but becoz I'd be telling all the people I cared for, how much they mean to me.

For a person who just needs an excuse to have fun and celebrate life in all it's glory, this was the perfect excuse. Cmon!! I'd already made a photo book of our recent vacation with quotes and surprised hubby dearest with it.

So naturally, I expected something/anything to come from the one person I love the most. Dinner, a card, flowers, a rose, or maybe just an e greeting ??!! That's not much, is it??

Yet, this year someone had stubbornly decided to sidestep this much hyped, media favorite holiday and staunchly avoided doing ANYTHING other than wishing me a "Happy Valentine's Day !" in the morning.

So, to say the least I was severely dissappointed and I let it be known by bickering all day long and deciding to enjoy the evening with a movie, a bag of chips and a glass of gingerale.

And then the next day, my friend sent me pics of her valentine's day celebrations and I was washed over by guilt. Her pics were of a candle light dinner at home with a home made scrumptous meal and a beautifully decorated table.

"You IDIOT!!", my conscious said to me," If you wanted a special celebration, you could have done the something like that too right?? You were so busy expecting something that you forgot that you could do some celebration all by yourself too. You forgot that just two days earlier, the same guy took you out for lunch and a movie and then roamed around at 12 in the night to get dinner. You forgot that the same guy jumps at the chance to pamper you and take care of you whenever you need it the most. So what more to you need ?? "

And so began hours and days of cooking yummy delicacies for my hubby dearest to make up for my callous behaviour.

The day after, hubby got shocked looks from his collegues when he resplied that he didn't do anything for valentines day when asked. My sad face and their surprised expressions made him feel that his wife did deserve a little something special! Consequently he went all the way out after work and bought a variety of chocolates from Godiva.

We apologized to each other and went on the enjoy another wonderful meal, followed it with satisfying our sweet tooths till their tummy hurt...

Lesson to be learnt : When every day is a day filled with love, even if you miss a celebration eventually you end up end up living it up every day after ... :))

I'm upset these days, unnecessarily I might add. Picking up a single object to put it in it's place seems like a chore for it seems so difficult to remember where it belonged. The physical clutter in my life seems to be taking up space in my mind as well. I need to organize, de clutter and ruthlessly. Make space for thoughts, words, myself and my life.

Today was a productive day. I put away notebooks and pencils and diaries in all corners. Then I went around systematically throwing away any and all papers I found. Relocating boxes on shelves, as if I was compartmentalizing my thoughts. If only it was that easy. Yet, it was astonishingly theraputic.

I wonder if a trip out of town, to do nothing but write would do the same for me, for that's what I feel I need these days. A couple of days on the beach, removing the stench of the all that's suffocating me.

For now, I'm on my sofa - warm and toasty tickering away on my lappie and this feels just as good!!

She sat on the step looking out at nothingness around her. Her eyes had concentrated onto a point above the fence. The point where you actually look when your mind is actually swiched off. Her ears took in the sounds around her. A giggle here, a gurgle of laughter there. The voices of children, shouts, screams, teasing. The world seemed to be mocking her. It refused stop revolving just because hers was crumbling.

The sounds around pushed her further into the abyss. The abyss was full of questions she didn't want answers to. How did she never see? Where had she lacked? Had she been so trusting or so stupid as to not see? All those words, excuses really. All those moments when she nodded her head in understanding were actually snapshots frozen in time, proof of her blindness. Would she ever have figured it out had her phone not broken down? Would she ever have seen the truth if she hadn't come rushing three days earlier?

A ball came thumping and hit her on her knee. She looked up severely. " Sorry, ma'am. ", said a scared kid. She picked up the ball and passed it to him with a smile. A sad smile at the irony of a kid fearful because of his rogue ball compared to what had just happened.

She took a deep breath. Lifting her dead feet, one by one climbed the stairs. The door knob felt cold to the touch as she opened the door. They didn't know she was inside the house, yet! No servants either. This was supposed to be their home away from home. A get away from the rigours of every day life. She would never even have known where he was, if not for a slip of tongue.

He would pay.

The kitchen. That was where she would find her instrument of vengeance. She took it out of the drawer. She silenced it and moved further down the corridor, quietly.

The door was ajar. Tears spilled out. The vision burnt itself onto her soul. Seconds ticked away, feeling like hours. They were too preoccupied to notice her standing there. The sounds brought bile to her throat. Panting, Moaning. Seconds turned to a minute, maybe two.

With resolve, she turned and walked to the main door. Picked up her purse, she got out of the house and slammed the door shut behind her.

A few people on the street turned to look at her. Her smirk baffled them. As she hurried to her car, she wondered how many hits a youtube video of a candidate running for senate would get before the networks got wind of it.

Back from my trip. Finally all done settling in and pretty much back to schedule.

My India trip. Wow !! Can't really believe I did all that I actually did. Any vacation, though can't really call this trip a vacation, becomes a dream the moment you leave your vacation spot. Makes me wonder if it was worth it all. A hectic schedule, exhausted bodies, make it seem like all you go to do is book a spot in the pictures. Well, now I'm being harsh right ?! It's loads of fun too, doing something different from your usual life.

Where had I gone and what did I do? Well, mainly it was for my bro in law's wedding. So the first month went in shopping ( had to travel an extra 4 hours to Ahmedabad each time ) and then go to receive the remaining family members ( again in Ahmedabad) . Then again went out of town for the actual wedding and came back home for the reception, after which we went on a tour of hubby's relatives to 2 cities and 1 village ( Lucknow, Gorakhpur and Ropanchapra) in 6 days both of which were a good 1 day travel both ways. After which we went to visit my aunt in Goa and then went back home for 4 days. After that we went to my cousin's wedding in Jodhpur, travelled 18 hours back to home town and left back to the states the next day.

Oh! Internim, I attended 4 receptions, a New year eve's function, was down with stomach infection ( the whole time) and fell 3 times.

The best part of the trip was we didn't miss out on anything that we had planned, nothing got stolen, no one got seriously sick/hurt and things went off smoothly. And that my friends' is a lot to be thankful for.

We had a wonderful time, made a ton of fond memories, celebrated new years' with our family, took almost 2000+ pics and danced our hearts out. Not to mention enjoyed some of each city's delicacies ( yeah ! even on my upset tummy :p )

Well, that's all for now. Just wrote pretty much whatever came to my mind about my trip. Maybe a more personal point of view later ...

Have been tagged and awarded by Shruti. Have to list 7 things about myself that no one knows. I might just mention a few facts that my blogger friends may find interesting.

* I had taken an intentional break from blogging and am now will slowly and surely pick up the pace as time goes by.

* I spent the last two months that is Nov and Dec in India and two months before that playing farmville and cafeville on Facebook.

* I visited 9 cities during my vacation and attended two weddings. ( more about that in the coming blogs. )

* I would rather be happy than wealthy.

* My ideal vacation would be to laze around on a beach.

* I love roaming around cities but Hate travelling.

* I find it hard to trust anyone, anytime, anywhere yet find myself believing that has to some good in all, well Most.

Tagging - Mukesh, Baljinder, Nikita, Archana, Nupur, Baljinder, Arun

About my break - Sometimes, I find taking time away from some thing that's as addictive as blogging, it gives you time to re boot your system and wipe the slate clean. If nothing else, the experiences mean while give you a lot of write about ... :D