Timeline of the 21st century

Contents

2001

Date unknown - Raygun’s artwork ceased, possibly indicating that the mysterious artist had died or moved away.

January 22nd - A scientist measuring seabird nesting populations happened to spot the droppings of one of the Glorious Walking Stick, and later returned to find the entire population in the world—twenty four insects.

November 29th - The Hedgehogs' Ladies' Bridge Club, which goes on in a hollow log at the end of the garden, was founded. It is by invitation only and there is much drinking of cordial out of thimbles. At night, you can hear the sounds of squeaky laughter and see lights about six inches off the ground.

2002

Date unknown - After a protracted decline in sales and quality the Slugman comic book was retired.

June 10th - Cryptozoologist Zanna McIntosh put forward the theory that the Black Beast was actually a spider monkey that had escaped from the zoo. This theory was met with intense derision. She doubled down on it by stating that the Squigginox was probably just a land squid who had migrated in the wrong direction and suggested that the plesiosaur from the early part of the century was most likely a sea cow. McIntosh’s book “Everything Cool Is Actually Boring” sold very few copies and was rapidly remaindered.

2003

Date unknown - Carl Viking, one of the great radio personalities of the last century, died. It was only after his death that it was revealed that Carl had actually been a water buffalo. “We wondered about the large amounts of silage in the break room,” said his producer, “but he was just such a damn fine broadcaster.”

January 10th - A flock of white jays descended on the Royal Cathedral. They remained there for several days, calling obscenities and prophecies to passers-by, then left as quickly as they had appeared.

2004

Date unknown - Hyatt was a young artist who dedicated his life to painting images of birds to aid in identification. He passed away this year.

Date unknown - In the wake of the Gant bank robbery, amateur codebreakers spent years attempting to solve the clues, but with little success until 2004, when it was finally discovered that the code had been assembled incorrectly, owing to poor math skills on the part of the creator. Once the code was corrected and cracked, it led to another clue which was, astonishingly, still intact, in a canister hidden in the base of a streetlight. Sadly, this clue led to a building that had been razed for a parking lot. Neither the money nor the robbers were ever found.

August 25th - The leader of the wasps came with their demands. We expected them to die in the winter freezes, but they did not. They are still waiting for an answer. We do not know what to tell them.

2006

June 17th - The Ancient Order of Linguists nearly split over a linguistic divide. The young firebrands of the Order claimed that they must ride forth to destroy those who insisted on using the grammar of text messaging in long form communication. The older members insisted that the AOOL should instead study this new lexicon and document the grammatical rules of the speech. “All languages have rules,” said one elder. “We must punish those who break the rules, not those who are creating new ones.” It looked as if the issue could only be decided on the field of battle, when a third faction intervened, claiming that autocorrect could too easily tar the innocent as well as the guilty in this case. The matter was sent a committee, who promise to report back as soon as the language stops changing so dreadfully rapidly.

2007

May 21st - A rhinoceros and a hippo were married on this day. Their forbidden love remains strong.

August 29th - A bristlecone pine called the Flood Tree, believed to be the single oldest living organism on earth, was struck by lightning. Dendrochronology revealed that the Flood Tree was over 5,200 years old, making it a contemporary of the vast majority of recorded history. Several trunks began to regrow from the roots, and were named the Flood Tree Juniors, although it is widely believed among botanists that the name lacked a certain elegance.

2008

February 6th - The designer dog mix “St. Berxers” were introduced. The St. Berxer was a cross between a St. Bernard and a Boxer. General consensus was that the breeders had played God, gone too far, and created a couch that could jump up on people. The breed was briefly popularized when several celebrities were seen with them in public, but the fact that males could top 140 lbs and jump like a Boxer proved too much for most pet owners. Rescues were flooded with puppies and members of the Royal Kennel Society went around to the breeders and gave them all extremely stern looks. The St. Berxer persists, in much reduced numbers, owing a few die-hard enthusiasts, but is generally treated as an idea who’s time really had not come.

2009

Date unknown - The bone skipper was rediscovered, believed to be extinct until this point. We are always glad to learn that a creature has not yet shuffled off this mortal coil, even in the case of the bone skipper fly.

2011

Date unknown: The Pope sainted a Melalueca shrub. This single shrub grew on an exposed outcropping of rock jutting out of the ocean, miles from the shore of the nearest of the Coriander Isles. It lived for at least ninety years, and during that time, was the single growing plant on the island. It was also the single host of the Glorious Walking Stick, an insect long believed to be extinct. It was not until 2001 that a scientist measuring seabird nesting populations happened to spot the droppings of one of the insects, and later returned to find the entire population in the world—twenty four insects.

April 28th - A picture of a tiny, adorable kitten in a knit hat made the rounds. Business estimates place lost productivity within the city at nearly a billion dollars. The Worker Productivity Protection Act was proposed to limit such destructive imagery, but was shot down when opponents brought a kitten to the debates. It was set upon the podium, where it said “mew.” The Act died immediately.

2012

Date unknown - The poet Foxwife died. The royal family requested that she be buried in state in the churchyard reserved for artists, saints, and great thinkers, but her brother refused, saying that she would “come back and haunt him if she couldn't see the sky.” A plaque was placed in the wall of the churchyard, and the exact place of Foxwife’s final rest is unknown.

2013

March 19th - Several crows landed behind the Hidden Almanac Recording Studio and held what appeared to be a very serious conversation for several minutes. They looked around repeatedly, as if afraid of being overheard, then nodded to one another and flew away.

July 30th - A large blue dragonfly laid eggs in a temporary puddle of water. The puddle should have dried up, proving fatal to the eggs, but a drip from a faulty air conditioning condenser unit kept it damp for the critical time period. Five young dragonflies survived the brutal Darwinian battle in the puddle and emerged as adults. Sometimes things work out.

August 6th - The 2014 annual Running of the Centaurpedes, which is held in the village of El Mango on the edge of the Glass Wastes occurred on this day. Young men test their mettle by trying to outrace the deadly clacking tide. Even a small centaurpede can deliver a powerful bite that causes swelling, burning, tingling, heart arrhythmia and eventual allergy to sun.

October 17th - In the Hidden Almanac Test Garden the crows started to speak, saying “It is coming” and “Cheetos!”

October 24th - In the Hidden Almanac Test Garden the crows increased their demands for Cheetos.

October 27th - In the Hidden Almanac Test Garden the crows began throwing dice on the roof, gambling for Cheetos.

October 29th - In the Hidden Almanac Test Garden the crows gathered together and began chanting a single name.

October 31st - In the Hidden Almanac Test Garden the crows chanted the unspeakable name over and over in chorus. They even abandoned the Cheetos. Reverend Mord began to fear for the safety of the garden.

October 31st - In the Hidden Almanac Test Garden the crows successfully brought Corvus-Wrax through a portal from the highest avian hell on Halloween night. Keith, the copyeditor, sacrificed his life to drive the demon back into the dimension from which it came.

2019

Date unknown - James Rice’s “How To Survive In An Accursed Pit” will be published.