Friday, January 06, 2012

Friday Night Funnies: Jamming With A Pup

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.Smokey put in a bid; and with his price so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit , there are crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public
schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad
as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe
a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've
been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll
take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

As we move into the 2012 New Year, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it

on the floor of a public restroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent

me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now

have to use a wet sponge for every envelope sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul- I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends

and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOU, I no longer drink Coca Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.

Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.AndI no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,

Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan ..
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause

me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick

up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten

by the Violin Spiderand my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their

e-mail with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.P. S.I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Followers

About Me

Politics used to be about going to vote. That all changed as I became aware of all the harm lefties were doing to our social structure. Ordinary families are under assault, and have got to get involved, before it's too late, before society has been changed for good. My blog is an attempt to raise issues that impact families, or ones that just plain bug me!