STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Recently, a father contacted me to ask what kind of discipline or punishment he should use with his 7-year-old son, Gerald.

He said Gerald was having temper tantrums during which he yelled at his father, threw objects and hit his younger siblings.

“I’ve tried taking away his video games and I put him in time-out,” the father said, “but nothing works. He still gets angry and I think his behavior is getting worse instead of better.”

I asked the dad about events in the child’s life over the past few months, particularly since he seemed to be implying that until recently his son has been well-behaved and did not have difficulties controlling his anger.

“My wife and I got a divorce about six months ago,” he said, “and Gerald spends most of his time with me. His mother has problems with drugs and she’s not always able to see him. Sometimes she says she’s coming to see him and doesn’t even show up.”

He wondered if I thought this had something to do with Gerald’s behavior.

As I talked to this father more, I learned that he, too, was upset about his former’s wife inability to be a consistent parent. However, he wasn’t good at expressing his feelings or talking to Gerald about his emotions related to what had been going on in the family.

A DIFFERENT APPROACH

I suggested to the dad that finding new or “better” negative consequences for Gerald was not the answer.

“If I tell you about using negative consequences — either ones you haven’t tried or different ways of trying ones you’ve already used, Gerald’s behavior is not likely to get better.”

I indicated that Gerald was experiencing an emotional problem that was manifested in behavior problems.

“Therefore, you need to help him with his emotions,” I said. “And then, when you’ve done that, his behavior will get better.”

Perhaps neither of Gerald’s parents were real good at teaching Gerald about emotional competence. That is, they did very little to aid his emotional and social development.

BIG INFLUENCE

Recent research shows that parents do have an influence on how well kids learn to express, moderate and manage their own feelings while learning how to respond to situations where emotions are involved.

Although temperament may play a significant role in how children express their emotions, social relationships — particularly with parents — also play a role in their learning to understand and deal with their emotions.

Some research has pointed out that parents contribute three distinct things to their children’s emotional competence. One is how parents regulate and express their own emotions.

A second is how parents react to their child’s feelings. And the third is how parents counsel their children and the ways in which they discuss their children’s emotions with them.

EMOTIONAL COACHING

When parents handle all three aspects of what might be called “emotional coaching” with their kids in a thoughtful and empathic manner, their kids are going to be able to understand and handle their feelings much more adroitly.

Some experts in this area of teaching children to handle their emotions say that optimal parental coaching requires parents to be aware of their child’s emotions, to view their child’s emotions as a time for intimacy and teaching and to help their child to verbally label their feelings.

Furthermore, these experts say that the best parental coaching also involves empathizing with their child and validating their feelings.

With this in mind, I suggested that Gerald’s dad begin to use a different approach toward Gerald and his behavior.

I recommended that when Gerald got angry, he should see this as an opportunity to talk to his son about the boy’s emotions and to empathize with what he may be feeling.

He could, for instance, say to Gerald, “You’re really angry right now and I notice that you are mad right after you learned your mom wasn’t going to be able to see you this weekend. I guess that makes me mad, too.”

On other occasions, he could say to Gerald that he, too, missed her and that he wondered if Gerald felt as sad as he did sometimes.

Finally, it was suggested to the dad that instead of punishing Gerald for being angry, he might try to teach him some ways of dealing with his anger. He could show him how to use deep breathing, relaxation or some cognitive techniques that might help him act less aggressively.