i like it. i would make the lines longer so it flows naturally with the breath. try reading it outloud to yourself. hat will help — ElegantWaste

I like it too. There is so much feeling and intensity and sadness. — elysium

I like all of it, until the last three lines. They let the poem down. I would change them and insert a more original phrase there, something that really means something. Apart from that, I like the understated sadness and yes, intensity as aforementioned. — wendz