Chelsea to be Docked 9 Points

Chelsea’s title hopes were dealt a crushing blow today with the announcement that the club will be docked a minimum of 9 points. The London club had been the league’s runaway leaders, but now find themselves thrown into a title dogfight.

The FA punishment follows the conclusion of a tribunal report into the treatment of club doctor Eva Carneiro and physio Jon Fearn last season.

Fair

“Is fair,” former Chelsea boss José Mourinho told Soccer on Sunday. “What I did to the lady doctor is a disgrace. The club must be punished. Otherwise what is the message? Not just to lady doctors, but lady shop assistants, lady lollipop ladies, ladyboy exotic dancers — ladies of all types and genitals. If Chelsea is a hostile workplace for ladies, then the club cannot moan when they pay a price.”

“The tribunal said that if told them I was sorry, the penalty would be only 2 points,” added Mourinho. “I told them that I was sorry — sorry that they were too cowardly to inflict the maximum punishment. Chickens, I called them. ‘BAWK, BAWK BAWK’ I said over and over until they raised from 2 points to 8. The 9th point was added on when I called the panel Putas and invited each of them to suck my Portuguese balls.”

Conte

Antonio Conte insists that his team can’t afford to let the punishment unsettle them.

“We must be professional, no?” the Italian told Soccer on Sunday. “I will shake Mourinho’s hand on Sunday. No problem. Privately, I will visit his office and smash his face in with an iron bar, or maybe a golf club. I will make bolognese of his stupid face. This is football. Is normal.”