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Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 17:19:42 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1202
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=== 1202 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1202
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 17:19:42 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1202
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1197 66 votes cejf6 3mqc3 cbhfb 3dkp5 6dtc6 cehe9 56ipc 4bri6 9lkb5 b9hfe
1197 3.0 mean 2.8 2.8 3.0 3.2 3.0 2.9 3.5 3.2 2.7 3.2
--- 1202-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wise and never divorced Oracle, please tell me....
>
> So my fiance wants to take my last name, but as a modern liberal
> young man I feel like her taking of my last name is reinforcing the
> patriarchy. However, if I were to insist that she not, or even ask for
> that matter, I would be being patriarchal and anti-feminist through
> my actions. Should I just let her take my last name, regardless of
> what it implies about the modern state of feminism, or should I try
> and do something about it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You could change your last name to Spineless.
--- 1202-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What's the best way to ask my girlfriend to get breast implants and not
> have her get angry at me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Woo. That's a toughie. I've never had that problem myself with Lisa
} (bless her ample bosom). I can ask her though. Hey sweetie...
}
} ...ow. Ow ow ow. Lisa suggests you should go to "boyfriend school"
} or the SPCA's boy pound.
}
} I have some more serious suggestions. First, you have to really know
} why you want your girlfriend to have bigger boobs. I mean some real
} inner-cleavage gazing. Now,
} - If you want your friends to be envious of your access to big
} tits, buy your girlfriend a padded bra. The change is subtle enough
} that your buddies won't think she got augmented, but their potential
} to break the tenth commandment of JHVH will increase visibly.
} - If you want to look at bigger tits on your girlfriend, get her
} a corset. They can run pretty expensive, but shouldn't be more than
} $300 USD. If you've got any friends into the 'goth' subculture you
} can ask them for advice (and you might notice, with the high number
} of fat goths, that you don't have to be thin to wear a corset).
} The corset also has the bonus of making the girlfriend happier because
} (a) she'll look and feel more svelte, and (b) you've spent a big gob
} of money on her.
} - If you want to play with bigger gazoombas, you can wait until your
} next girlfriend. Dissatsifaction with your girlfriend's body can breed
} resentment that abcesses and eats away at affection. Eventually you'll
} have that fight that you can't apolgize for and you'll be single again,
} so I'm sure you can just wait it out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a comparison betwen the Cosmetic Surgeons of
} America's paper that stated that silicone implants were completely
} inert and harmless, and the tobacco studies made by Marlboro, Winston
} and duMaurier.
--- 1202-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, damn, you are fine. Boy, you rock my world you big hunk of
> government-issue cheddar you...
>
> I was supposed to be on Springer dis week wit my bo'frin' who be
> cheatin' off me wit dat ho MoReese? Now my fifteen minutes be in
> jepady cause MoReese done cancelled out so's he can be dere when that
> bitch gives birth to dere little bastird child? I was wondrin' if
> you'd stand in for him so's I can have summun's ass to kick?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What's scary about the Jerry Springer show is that Jerry Springer
} was once the mayor of a major city in the USA, he lost his job for
} paying hookers with his government issued credit card. Giving has-
} been politicians a TV show is not a good idea it seems. And now
} Bill Clinton is talking about having his own TV show...
}
} )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
} harp music as we leap to the future
} )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
}
} [ The set of the BILL! show, a huge wooden desk dominates
} the stage, behind it sits the former president. Before
} the desk are two pink bean bags. Sitting uncomfortably
} in the bean bags are Zadoc and Og. ]
}
} BILL!: I feel your pain.
}
} [ Crowd applauds. ]
}
} Og: Orrie no like butt SUP-PER Glew on ToY-let.
}
} BILL!: I imagine not, and believe me I know what it's like
} to get caught with one's pants down.
}
} [ Crowd howls with laughter. ]
}
} Zadoc: Oh, he was very angry. When he'd had enough ambrosia
} to fall for a trick like that he also was dangerous
} to be around.
}
} BILL!: I -know- angry.
}
} [ BILL! slides his chair back and yells under his desk. ]
}
} BILL!: Right Mona?
}
} Voice from under desk: So right!
}
} [ Crowd roars with laughter. ]
}
} (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
} harp music as we leap to the now
} (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
}
} Brrr, not a pretty picture.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nation with no trailer parks in it.
--- 1202-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Awesome Awrical, I kneed to know. Please tell me everything you can
> about something. Expository non-fiction writing paper's due tomorrow.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I suggest you write about something timeless, something that all
} people love, something that is near and dear to all. Yes, I speak
} of 'bar jokes'.
}
} You've told them, you've heard them, you've read them and
} been mislead by them.
}
} This is the first known bar joke:
}
} * A man and a saber tooth stared at a bush of fermented
} berries near which were tipsy birds. The man said "Ur!".
} And then the saber tooth ate the man. And then the saber
} tooth ate the birds.
}
} Bar jokes quickly evolved into an art form. The Greeks held
} bar joke contests before dramas. This one is by Euripides:
}
} * A Spartan, an man of Athens and a visiting Egyptian
} were taking unwatered wine when the man from Athens
} said, "In Athens if you drink a cup of unwatered wine
} the others in the room buy you a second cup!". The
} Spartan laughs and says, "In Sparta if you guzzle a
} wineskin of unwatered wine and do not pass out the
} others give you another bigger wineskin of unwatered
} wine!". And the Egyptian said, "If you go to a place
} of drink in my homeland, people buy you cups of drink
} for hours on end and then you can go to the home of
} someone there and have a night of wild sex." The
} Spartan says, "Zeus' hair, I believe you not! Has this
} ever happened to you?". "Well, no," says the Egyptian,
} "But it happens to my sister all the time."
}
} During the dark ages of Europe bar jokes, slumped into
} a stupor of disuse. Luckily the rest of the world kept
} the tradition alive. Here's a bar joke from ancient China.
}
} * A zen master and a warrior enter a place of sake and lewd
} women. Inside they encounter a cat of huge size, the cat
} is gawking at the women. The zen master says, "Unseemly is
} the staring of that cat." "Not to worry egghead," says the
} warrior, "it is a Peking tom."
}
} In the USA the wild West period had its share of bar jokes:
}
} * A three legged dog limps into a saloon and says, "I'm looking
} for the man who shot my paw."
}
} During WWII bar jokes took on a harsher edge in those harsh
} times:
}
} * An British solider was stationed in Libya fighting The
} Desert Fox. There was no pub in that desert land, but
} they did find a dark hovel where a strange liquor was
} sold. One lad drank his fill and then tried to walk back
} to base. He exits the hovel and walks smack dab into a
} palm tree, knocking him out. An hour latter he gets up
} and walks smack into the tree again. "Blimey," says the
} lad, "I'm lost in a forest."
}
} Hard times followed for bar jokes during the 1960s when
} LSD jokes ruled, the few bar jokes we have from that period
} are a tad surreal:
}
} * A fish goes into a bar and the barkeep says, "What do
} you want?" and the fish grabs a napkin on it he scrawls
} one word, "Water".
}
} But now a days bar jokes are back in. Below are the Oracle's
} current favorite bar jokes.
}
} * A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman
} says "That's a cute newt, what's he called?" "He's called Tiny."
} says the man. "What a droll name" says the barman. "YEAH! Well
} he's my newt," replies the man.
}
} * Two nuns were driving down the road late at night so they could
} go in to a bar and be part of a joke, when all of a sudden a
} vampire jumps out in front of the car making the car brake to a
} halt. The first nun in a state of shock says to the second "Quick
} ...to drive away vampires, you must show it your cross!", to which
} the second nun winds down the window and shouts "GET OUT OF MY
} FREAKING WAY!".
}
} * This bloke goes in to a bar. When he sits down he notices the man
} next to him has a jelly donut on the bar that he is stabbing
} repeatedly with a tiny paper umbrella of the type that are often
} placed in icky tasting drinks as a warning to discerning folks.
} The bloke says "Excuse me sir, but is there some reason you are
} repeatedly stabbing a tiny paper umbrella into that jelly donut?"
} The other man answers: "Yes there is, I'm criminally insane".
}
} You owe the Oracle a beer.
--- 1202-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, I am about to make the supreme sacrifice in honor of
> being able to ask you a question. I am placing this razor-sharp
> kantana to my belly and pu..pu.pushing it IN! Ach, I i... I am
> moving it to the left noooo_ow... I want to show you that...that
> I am honor..honored to ask of.. you a, a , question... I am moving
> the sword... I ergh phfftt, ack oh oh oh ..... glurble, flok!
> oooorpt. . .
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh my! Its has been years since I have read entrails! It
} fell out of vogue with the end of the Roman Empire. Let me see:
}
} - you will soon experience a long uninterrupted period of
} peace and silence.
}
} - job demands will lessen considerably.
}
} - your family members will get a large cash gift.
}
} - you had corn on the cob last night for dinner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mop and bucket.
--- 1202-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Great and Sexy Oracle...
>
> Is there a better way of determining someone's feelings for you than
> the He loves me, he loves me not" pulling off of pedals method? I like
> the chanting but hate destroying flowers to do it.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Another innocence landmark of youth killed by Politically Correctness.
}
} Also forced into early retirement are:
}
} * Carving you and your true loves initial in a heart on
} a tree. (I can hear gasps of horror at the idea that
} anyone ever did this anyway.)
}
} * Lighting a woman's cigarette for them. (This would be
} seen as an attempt to poison her.)
}
} * Running out of gas in a remote spot. (Running out of
} gas ruins a car's catalytic converter.)
}
} * Throwing your jacket over a puddle for her. ( This
} could harm wetland creatures.)
}
} * Giving a woman diamonds or gold. (Produced by wage
} slaves in oppressed nations.)
}
} * Giving someone chocolate. (Health risks).
}
} * Throwing pebbles at her window to speak with her at
} night. (Strict stalking laws in most states.)
}
} You owe the Oracle two huge tea cups.
--- 1202-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise Oracle,
>
> Why isn't there any more hot water?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} B U L L E T I N
}
} FROM: FRESNO UNIVERSAL COMMISSION OF UTILITIES (FUC-U)
} TO : ALL SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA RESIDENTS
} RE. : POWER SHORTAGE
}
} Please be advised that California power companies have been purchasing
} hot water from the water companies to generate more electricity in
} hopes of alleviating the current electricity shortage.
}
} Hot water should be restored in several months. Until then you are
} urged to bathe in public fountains, and wash your laundry in canals and
} drainage ditches. For additional heat, please urinate in the water
} first.
}
} We apologize if this has caused you any inconvenience.
--- 1202-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle who was so clean
> that he was not even seen:
>
> Keep it in your pants and no one gets hurt.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The last Official Act of President Bill Clinton was to carve an
} ironic warning in to the top of the Kennedy Desk in the Oval
} Office.
--- 1202-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Open Sesame!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Were you raised in a barn? Close the secret door behind you!
--- 1202-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Where has my muse gone? Must I be cursed forever to submitting askmes?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Muse abuse, it's more common than you think.
}
} Do you do engage in any of following?
}
} + Look for double entendres CONSTANTLY
} + Think up replies to rhetorical questions asked by commercials
} + Think up 'better' rewordings of dirty jokes?
} + Add 'punny' remarks to cascades in newsgroups?
}
} If you answered yes to any of the above you may be guilty of Muse
} Abuse.
}
} Your muse is there to help you be creative, to add the spark of genius
} to ideas, to help you enthrall others with insights. It is not a tool
} of crassness and potty humor!
}
} Help is available: Call 555-5555-555-55-555-555-5 ext.5
}
} Muse Abuse is just plain old Wrong.