Trigger, that’s not a word I usually use. Why? I feel it’s a word for the younger generation. I don’t care if you a Generation X, Y, Z or Millennial. Your character speaks more than the year you were born. That being said, this blog will probably “trigger” a few of the younger and less conservative followers. If you don’t follow this blog or know me personally (and some people do), then you should know one of my favorite sayings is, “I’m not a bakery and I don’t sugar coat what needs saying”. So in the infamous words of Graham Allen….”Heeeeere we go!”

I consider myself an ‘old-school’ mom. I am the mother of five children; with one child under 18-years old. I am not a perfect mom. I made A LOT of mistakes with my older children (another story; another time). However, I am hell bent on correcting some of those past mistakes with my youngest daughter.

I live in California. It would be an AMAZING state if not for all the liberals and illegals (not undocumented – ILLEGAL) that are here. I don’t placate the “entitled ideology” that far to many young adults and their children seem to have. I have conservative values but also feel I help those in need when I can.

That being said, my take on parenting: You are NOT there to be a friend to your child. You are the PARENT! Rules and accountability are first and foremost. If you think your child is your BFF, he/she is NOT! They are a child in need of guidance, enforced rules, etc. That friend you are looking for will be there when adulthood is reached. For now, focus on raising good kids. “NO” is not a four-letter word and your kids need to hear it.

I love my daughter with all my heart. She is spoiled rotten; I admit this. However, there is a point where she knows what is right and wrong. Is she allowed to do whatever she wants, whenever she feels like it? HECK NO! She is given chores that are to be completed. She used to get an allowance. When she got a phone, the monthly amount equaled her allowance, no more allowance. The phone is routinely checked and no downloads without consent. She gets called out when she gets too sassy. Respect is a key role to raising kids. She has manners: Yes, please. No, thank you. Excuse me, ma’am. She is being raised as a child of Christ. Ooooh, I went there: religion. Yup, I sure did. I honestly believe, if more people had God in their lives, this world would be a much better place.

I have rarely spanked my youngest. Why, because rules were set early and more importantly, they were enforced. My daughter in on the verge of becoming a teenager. While her hormones are kicking in and sometimes she gets called out a bit more on her at-home behavior, I don’t foresee her being one of “typical teens”. If she ever went that route, my house would be spotless, because nothing makes you think more about what you’ve done than a few good hours of manual labor. Has it come to that? Not even close. Is it an option (if need be); you bet it is!

Is she allowed to wear make-up? Nope. She gets to wait til she is 15. I allow lip gloss and that’s it for now. Why? She’s 12! She doesn’t need makeup. A cashier at Ulta even said, “maybe next year she can add mascara”. Sorry, not happening. There’s no reason to push her to become older than she is.

Is she allowed to wear ripped jeans, shirts that show cleavage, run around unsupervised with her friends? Nope! She may not dress ultra-conservative (she’s not going to a nunnery after all), but she knows what is appropriate. Has she ever tried to get to get away with pushing the clothing envelope? Of course. Then, I tell her to go back upstairs and change. You know what? She does. Why, because she has been taught to listen. Silly me. I know the parents of her friends. Sleepover or movie outing? I speak with the other parents to make sure we are on the same page. Get involved! It’s what you should be doing.

My daughter is also at the age we can cover social topics. What is appropriate for certain situations. What would would be the consequences for acting like a fool in public? Or blowing a potential job interview because your friends or mall time is more important? How about wanting excess clothing or shoes? I am proud she gives the appropriate responses.

We have covered race, in a variety of instances. She’s a bi-racial child who isn’t allowed to use that as a reason something did/did not happen. There are far too many successful, minority people, to let race stand in their way. I am proud to say, my daughter doesn’t see color. She will be anyone’s friend as long as they are respectful and are willing to chat. Her cultural heritage is important; but she’s an American first.

Oh yea, and we say the Pledge of Allegiance in our home too. We stand, quietly, with hand over our heart, anytime we hear the National Anthem. We support the 2nd Amendment. My daughter will be visiting a gun range soon to learn weapon safety and how to shoot. Take a guess at what I think about gun reform. I may not own any weapons (currently), but I sure as heck could care less what over-paid, non-working, liberal Democrats think “we the people” are entitled to.

Do you know, my daughter already has the mentality that she will need to get a job, as a teen, to pay for the extras she deems important to her? Do you know, she’s not dreading that? Why? She has been taught from an early age: you work for what you want. Nothing is given to you and further more, you shouldn’t expect it would be.

I don’t care what someone’s education is. You work hard and you make progress. If it’s not within your means, you don’t get to have it. I wish more people would understand this concept.

So my mini-rant about spoiled, self-centered, entitled parents/children is over. I believe this country needs to get back to a Christian-based, conservative way of life. Respect, a hard work ethic and caring for your community and country is needed. If you are upset about this post, perhaps you might want to re-evaluate why you are now “triggered”.

My 12-year old daughter came to me the other night and asked if she could become a vegetarian. I was not as surprised as my husband, because I have been watching her eating habits (and I buy her food).

After asking her reasoning for wanting to, discussing the foods she would be giving up and making sure she would increase certain foods, to which she consented to, I agreed. I was a vegetarian for a decade, at one point, so I would be able to help her make sound dietary decisions.

Her dad is less than a happy camper. I blame it on his carnivorous side. He gave me grief the entire time we were dating and even after we were married, about not eating meat. He forgets, I would make dual meals; for him and myself. He is also worried she will be picked on when she doesn’t eat the same foods her friends eat. I give her friends more credit than he apparently is. This is his only baby girl and I think he’s not ready for her to grow up and make more decisions on her own.

That being said, I also took her new endeavor as a way to add it to her homeschool life. It’s great for nutrition, label-reading, discussions on ingredients, proper food combining, recipe research and essays. I give her so much credit and am so proud of her. She is taking this seriously. I often get calls/texts at work telling me about a new website she’s been to regarding being a vegetarian. She’s excited to share what she’s found.

I have told her how proud I am of her. I loved being a veg-head. I reiterated several times, that in this dietary journey, if she’s not willing to eat the proper foods, I will not allow her to be a full vegetarian. I have expanded my dietary palate, over the years, which will provide additional knowledge for my daughter.

While I doubt I will ever go back to being 100% vegetarian, I welcome this change to bring more vegetarian dishes to our table (same meat dishes for the hubby) and see how she does. Who knows, she may choose to stick with this; only time will tell.

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I know I’m a few days late posting the next installment of my cancer journey. I almost laugh now because in one of my support groups, they posted this….

Now I covered up a word (use your imagination), but it’s still funny. In fact, my response to this was, “I’m small enough to be a hobbit”. So…onward with my journey…

I logged into Sutter Health’s system yesterday to pay for my labs and doctor visits. In addition to chemo meds, these charges are always waiting to be paid. I started exploring their system and found my visit summaries from my oncologist.

Whether it was lack of sleep, a chemical imbalance because of the medication, or the fact fighting cancer is mentally (in addition to physically) exhausting, I became an emotional wreck. First, I was very angry at what was noted and then I cried all the way home from work.

I am more than aware these notations are not for communication with the patient. However, if doctors are going to note conversations or their interactions with their patients, they need to stop the one-sided comments.

For example, one of the notations state that I “refused IV chemo”. First, let’s use the appropriate words. I was given information, made an informed choice about MY health and “declined” IV chemo. It was my choice. Using “refused” sounds like I was an obstinate child who didn’t do as her parents ordered. They think “informed consent” is a punchline of a joke instead of a patient’s right.

Several observations use the word, “denied”. Denied symptoms, denied having this or that, etc. In my opinion, that’s another word that shouldn’t be used in this area. I was asked a question and I answered that it didn’t happen or didn’t apply to me. How about “negative” and “positive” when correlating responses to symptoms, side effects, etc. Using the word “denied” implies the patient isn’t being truthful.

My doctor was nice enough to notate how I am generally unhappy with my treatment. Yes, I can say that’s a fair statement. What isn’t accurate is she neglected to mention how her nurse verbally attacked me for refusing the preferred IV chemo when I asked for another medication because I am having trouble paying $232.68. every three weeks. Or I’m unhappy Sutter Health chooses to only provide cancer support groups for one area of the county, during the day and it’s not accessible to all patients.

Now, testing showed up in the notes. I refused a few suggested tests. Why? One again, was over 20 miles away and would cost me a day of work. They have an imaging center close to where I am, but refuse to offer all testing there. I don’t think it’s out of the question to provide genetic testing in all locations; esp. when it’s just meeting with a doctor and taking a DNA swab. Silly me for being practical (and cynical; at this point). Oh, she also left off that I mentioned I couldn’t afford the $350 for another one of the tests she suggested.

I am fully convinced healhcare doesn’t exist. There is no caring on behalf of these desensitized doctors and nurses. A health system is in place to offer treatment; if you can afford it. If you can’t, they don’t want to hear it. They will give you referrals, but most don’t work out (make too much money, not enough grant money, not old enough, not the right cancer, etc.).

So, going forward, to protect my sanity, answers will only be “yes” or “no” or “fine”; unless some further explanation is needed. This is not the first time my character has been accosted by those who are supposed to be helping me. I neither can fight this notation battle, nor do I care to.

I read another cancer blog today where the writer received some negative feedback because she wasn’t upbeat enough. That’s how I feel sharing this with my friends and church family. I feel negative. Yet, the reality is, this battle is far from easy. The trials we have to go through aren’t perky, happy, or fun. In reality, battling cancer SUCKS! It’s horrible. Doctors only care about treating the body; to hell with the mind or soul. The purpose of my documenting this is to give a realistic guide to what I am having to deal with. This is a real-life, first-hand accounting. I know it’s hard for some people to deal with; but I’m not sorry for sharing what gets covered up with mainstream accounts.

It’s almost depressing to feel so alone, while trying to retain your dignity, sanity and carry on in your daily life and battling a life-threatening disease. I take longer showers now so I can cry uninterrupted and it won’t be visible. My 12-year old doesn’t need to see my worries, insecurities and breakdowns. Being strong has never been harder.

I am eternally grateful to those who have been able to donate, which allows me to continue treatment.

I went to the oncologist yesterday and was told I can see her every six weeks verses three weeks. I guess that’s progress.

A small victory is being overshadowed by a side-effect of being on oral chemotherapy. While I have less issues than someone going through IV chemo, there are still side effects to endure. No matter which chemo you are on, “chemo-brain” will invade your daily functioning; just like the cancer itself.

I recently said that I felt like a defective typewriter. Now, if you’ve seen the movie, “Grease”, you know that line and who said it. While I know I’m not pregnant (what it originally referred to), my mind does not work like it used to. I feel like I’ve been crossed with someone who’s had a stroke and someone who has dementia.

What I mean by that is, I forget a lot of stuff now. I originally was using the calendar and note features on my phone, however, it was a lot of data to keep typing in. When you have your fingers drying out and splitting open (another side effect), a simple act like entering text becomes challenging on an entirely other level.

I have purchased a planner that I can write everything into. It’s easier to make the entries (not as painful). In addition to tracking my chemo treatments, the never-ending doctor appointments and blood draws, it reminds me of simple things I would never enter; my daughter’s sleepovers, church, bible study, pay a bill, a reminder to speak to someone, etc.

Aside from being forgetful, what I am thinking, doesn’t reach my mouth to be said the way I thought it or I can’t figure out what I need to do to make it happen. Now, I’m guilty of saying things I shouldn’t. It’s hard to explain, as an example escapes me at the moment. I’ll make several attempts to do or say something. Sometimes, even writing something down, I use the wrong word. I know it’s wrong and I have to rewrite it; sometimes multiple attempts to get it right.

I’m a very organized, thought-out, planning, A-type personality person. While this chemo-brain can be amusing, to family and friends (esp. in the beginning), it’s extremely frustrating. It’s bad enough dealing with cancer, but now your brain isn’t responding the way it used to. It’s hard to be normal, when your mind won’t communicate with your body. Knowing, you can’t fix it. Knowing it’s going to stay with you while you’re being treated. Knowing it’s going to get worse. Praying it goes away when the medication consumption does.

I know change is a part of life. I know bad things happen to good people. I know this was my choice to consume this poison because Big Pharma is more interested in profits than a cure. I know all of this and still I question if this is my new normal. I’m not ready to accept that it is. In fact, I pray it isn’t.

“Chemo-brain” makes us work twice as hard to do what we used to with ease. It’s just one more way cancer robs us of independence and our former self.

We’ve all seen the “helpful” pamphlets in the doctor’s office. They cover a multitude of topics. My oncologist’s office has a variety; none on colon cancer though. Regardless of the topic, there is real life information missing from those little brochures.

Things like, how your relationships change with a cancer diagnosis. It’s hard enough dealing with your own feelings. You spouse/partner, family members, children all are now thrown in the mix. It makes it difficult when you look “normal”, but your body makes doing simple things like watching a long movie or cleaning the kitchen a burden. Let me tell you, my poor house is nothing like it used to be. I have to give in and admit, I cannot do it all. I wonder if my family will ever realize that? I’m not knocking them. I know they see me as fine, regardless of the endless pills I swallow for two straight weeks.

Another thing missing is what happens if your spouse can’t work; even temporarily? Does it prepare you to have to surrender a vehicle because you simply don’t have the money to pay for it? Does the state disability workers care they haven’t processed your claim in over two weeks? Nope, they don’t; especially because you can’t reach a live person!

Let’s add just a bit of icing to this pamphlet cake of missing information. Let’s have a clinic director call and “empathize” with you about how horrible cancer is. Let’s have her say how much she wants me to be able to deal with this, but she cannot produce ONE local support group. Then let’s have her reference how I work and since my schedule doesn’t accommodate the only group 30 miles away and starts before I could get there, I’m not being flexible. To add a cherry on this frosted bunch of glossed-over, “we’re here for you” information, that she will compare “if there’s a cure 50-miles away, would it be too far to reach”.

Let’s put this in perspective. A cure is not a support group. A cure would negate the need for a support group. I bet she can’t tell the difference between apples and oranges, either. To say I’m angry is a true statement. These medical “professionals” have either been abusive, negligent or completely not interested in hearing me and/or acknowledging me and my need for LOCAL (as in within my own city – not clear across the county) support.

I have found a group of ladies, online, who are fitting my support bill. They are or have been through the trials and tribulations of the Big C. I can vent and I’m not called, “inflexible”. I can ask questions without reaching a never-ending, button pushing, automated system before reaching a nurse with an attitude who simply relays messages to/from my doctor. Speaking to your doctor on the phone these days is a mortal sin. You can’t possibly express yourself without the aid of a nurse misinterpreting the reason for your call.

The fundraiser is going ok, but it could be better. I am only $40 short of being able to afford two more rounds of chemo. I appreciate all who have, and continue to share my fundraising link. You really have no idea how much it means to me.

These weekly cancer journey updates are to make those who watch cancer from the sidelines get a front row seat of the reality of what it’s like to deal with cancer. It’s not about ribbons, even though I use one for this series. Life isn’t a marketing campaign. It’s tough, emotional, draining and those who have cancer live with an uncertainty as to what their life will be like, become and how long it will last.

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I honestly believe that angels walk among us and they take the form of friends.

A few weeks ago, I was lost. I was having daily meltdowns regarding how I am going to pay for my cancer treatment and medications. I was shutting down and beginning to withdraw.

I had a long-time friend invite me over to her home after church. I was such in a bad place, I didn’t want to go. I told her I would think about it. She tempted me with seeing their Siberian Husky. I have unofficially adopted him…well adopted him in the sense he is my main focus when I get to visit him; and his owners.

I relented and asked when we should be at her house. I grabbed a toy for Kona (the Siberian). I love that dog; even if he’s not mine. I get through church, take a much-needed nap (thanks to my meds) and woke up in time to leave.

Standard greetings took place and then it was time to see Kona; who is normally outside – he loves it outside. I walk out, hear a guy’s voice, who I just assumed was my friend’s boyfriend. When I say, I go to see the dog, I’m not kidding. I was so dog-focused, I failed to realize my son was the one holding onto the dog’s leash. Right next to him, was my daughter-in-law and granddaughter.

It’s been six years since I’ve seen my son. He’s in the Army, so visits are few and far between and he’s stationed across the country. Another one of my friends used air miles that would expire before she could use them and flew them all out to see me. I had yet to meet my daughter-in-law or meet my (now) eight-month old granddaughter.

To say tears were flowing would be an understatement. I was beyond surprised. Several people were in on it. They kept me going til the surprise took place. They knew how difficult life had become and brought a beacon of light to brighten up my world.

I have had the pleasure of having my oldest and youngest together for three weeks. We did a few low-key tourist things, but mostly stayed near home. I still have had to work while they have been here.

Walking through my front door and to be greeted by my smiling grandbaby brings joy like nothing else. Cooking dinner every night has been great. My daughter-in-law LOVES mashed potatoes! It may seem trivial, but my husband is Asian and we eat a lot of rice. I had another person in my corner for side dishes. My son did good marrying her. LOL

My granddaughter celebrated her first Christmas in my home. My daughter and son were able to celebrate their birthdays together (New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day). I was able to bring the “kids” to church and introduce them to my church family. My son isn’t big on attending church, but he did so for his mom.

I will be sad when I have to take them to the airport tomorrow. Tonight will be the last night that I will sit on the sofa, holding the baby, and giving her a bottle. She can hold it herself, but each evening, we’ve had our little bonding time. I will miss it greatly!

I am blessed that I have angels walking among us and I get the privilege of calling them friends.