As a linguist, I feel a certain responsibility to communicate as clearly and precisely as possible. So naturally I am amused by the weasel-ese so prevalent in certain areas of society, particularly advertising and television. So, today I present an excerpt from my Weaselese-English dictionary.

Inspired by a true story: Somebody once wore a similar hat.

New and improved: Mediocre (And if it’s new, what did they have originally to improve upon?)

Better-tasting!: If you liked it before, you’re going to hate it now.

Low-fat: Extremely high in sugar

Our best deals of the year: The rest of the year we have tremendous markup.

No payments until…: We plan to make you forget that you bought it and then bankrupt you with finance charges.

Call in the next ten minutes: Call whenever you want.

You won’t find this in any store: Nobody is willing to carry such a stupid product.