Thank you so much for this. I want to print it out and stick it all over my surroundings to help bring me back when I'm going to all these dark, full of heartsickness places.

I was just wondering did he even love me at all, or was he just so narcissistic he would say/do anything to make people give him love? Which at this point... what does it matter...

I called the other woman Thursday when I had gotten suspicions because I had to know. Maybe I shouldn't have ever done that... she didn't know he was dead and understandably she didn't want to talk to me. But I was kind to her; told her she had nothing to be afraid of from me.

She said when I got clean he kept talking about me more and more to her and she gave him an ultimatum, leave me or lose her.

I definitely feel great amounts of intense dislike for this woman. But Brian is equally deserving of this anger.

The things she was saying... I was just so angry with her. Talking about MY husband like this. I know I was being crazy. Like you said, JD, our marriage was definitely over well before all of this. But it still made me so angry.

I eventually hung up with her. I'm such a freak, providing comfort to this woman. But yesterday she sent texts to me saying, "you never saw what it was like between us. He may have been a liar, like you said but I just don't believe it. He was the light of my life. Please, tell me how he did it, I need to know that he didn't suffer"

I cannot begin to explain the anger I felt towards her. Unreal amounts of rage.

I thought of all the things I wanted to say to her, wanted to send her all of Brian's texts to me over the last year. Just call her a homewrecking, cunt. (Sorry...)

Wanted to say I'm the one he called and texted and visited the night of. He didn't say one syllable to you... he didn't care if you knew if he was alive or dead.

But, I said nothing. I knew that would be the best, most self loving course of action I could take. Engaging would only devastate me further. But then I just kept having these arguments in my head with her... I could feel how unhealthy this was but couldn't stop. She can believe whatever she wants; it is absolutely no concern of mine.

JD, my sister and Brian's ex wife, told me pretty much exactly what you said to me but I just couldn't listen to it coming from them. But from you, I know you don't respond to placate me. You have knowledge about that which you speak.

Your words never seem harsh, you are too sweet always worrying about that.

I cried as I often do when I read what you write but I immediately felt myself letting stuff go.

I will get angry at him. But after the kids go to sleep tonight. I'm looking forward to it, haha.

<3,
Amy

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Amy I think you should block this woman's number from your phone and your life. I'm so sorry - It just keeps piling on for you. Maybe IF you feel you need one more message to tell her whats happened but then I think you should shut her out. This just seems like torture to me. I can totally understand how furious you must be. You don't owe her a thing.

Yeah Kitts, I was actually only messaging her through Brian's phone. I couldn't stand if she had my number. But yeah, I'm not going to tell her what happened. She knows it was suicide, that's all she gets to know. Maybe that is cruel of me but whatever. She didn't have to find his lifeless body. She can kick rocks.

I agree with Kitts. You owe her nothing including kindness but the fact that you showed this to her proves you the bigger person. You do though need to start protecting your heart and your sanity. Block the number and then delete it. Brian used her and she knows it. She can't take that anger out on him so she targeted you. Yes, you were addicted to drugs. She sees you as the "bad" spouse due to this but I bet my life that she has no fucking clue that he abused you and your drug/alcohol use was your coping mechanism to handle the abuse. SHE cheated with a married man with young children. She deserves no explanation from you on anything. Delete her from your life. Fuck her. PROTECT your children. Give her no more access to you or them. Cut her out NOW and NEVER let her near you or them again.

The anger you felt was partly for her but I bet much of it was really for Brian. He deserves it and your feelings are normal and expected. Beat the hell out of that pillow tonight!!!

I am glad my words brought you comfort. I always worry that I might hurt you with my honesty. You have been hurt enough my friend. Keep fighting. I am here for you.

I was reflecting on her words and while my first response was anger, I know that isn't the important part. Let's call her Scarlet (seems appropriate). First, Brian used her. He had a previous history of this with you and wife #1. He was self centered but my guess is he had major fucking self-esteem issues. Having mutliple women fight over him made him feel better about himself.

Second, Scarelet also had major fucking issues. "You didn't see how good we were together." Really bitch? Your relationship was so stellar that you built it on the sorrow of 2 very young children and a woman so devastated by abuse she had to drown her hurt in substances?? And when she got clean, you felt so threatened by this act you threatened him with loss of his children? Very, very, very classy. "Having major fucking issues" really does not do this bitch justice.

Next, her plea for information about his suicide is just fucked on several levels. On one hand, I feel for her because quite frankly he used her to stroke his own ego. Then his guilt about it ate him alive. On the other hand, what kind of woman really thinks she is more entitled than the wife in this nightmare?? But again, I am sure he lied to her over and over and over. It is easier for her to hate you then hate him.

This is just my thoughts but I would put the kids to bed. I would NOT give her the pleasure of knowing she hurt you so I would never call her again or provide her with any information. Take his cell phone and a hammer and smash it to nothing. Then leave Brian and Scarlet in the past where they both belong. The good of Brian lives on in your children and it is the only part worthy of you.

Build your life now. Get your career back. Go back to school. Work through the aftermath of the abuse. You have been set free and if he had lived it is unlikely you would have escaped his hurt. Think of it as his gift to you, his way to make amends for all the pain he caused. Step past the anger and leave all of it behind you. This is NOT about Brian or Scarlet. Right now it is all about you Amy. I know it is too easy to get trapped in the guilt and anger but don't. Move past it. Picture the princess life of every woman's dreams and go get it. Love yourself. Stay far away from men like Brian. Start over and seek a healthy life this time for you and your kids. Do it all differently. Understand?

Amy, I think when you quit drinking, he got concerned that if you got healthy, he would lose you. This is fairly common from enabling spouses. Then when you quit the opiates and moved to your sisters, his fears came true. Many times abusive people try to beat down the self esteem of loved ones to keep them captive. He was mentally ill and there was nothing you could do to help that. You will have to find it in your heart to forgive him and then move on. He was ill, I am so sorry for you and the kids, but you will get past this in time.
C