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Anarchy, inc. ..Presents you with......
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A rather unusual monograph...
C H A K : T H E U N S P E A K A B L E
by Someone Else
Frothing at the armpit in extreme discomfort, Chak the Unspeakable
noisily farted, filling the already unbreathable air with a foul smelling
ammonia compound. Its body slowly metamorphosing into a dull yellow with
embarassment, a pseudopod equipped with bulging eyeballs extended itself to
check the reaction of its subservients. Good; not a one outwardly seemed to
notice, other than an occasional expulsion of half-digested foodstuffs from
the stomach on to the floor, which promptly absorbed it. As if with a mind of
its own, a bluish-purple mass connected to the body by a thin white tube,
dripping lightish-green mucous (which of course, the floor promptly absorbed),
unconcernedly continued to busy itself, slurping away on a grayish half-liquid
soup of human brain tissue and bone marrow squirted up from a nearby feeding
node; completely oblivious to the occurrence.
Goo, foul-smelling and purplish, dribbled down from an open panel in the
ceiling and collected into a reeking puddle of jello, which promptly congealed
into a massive purple brainlike structure. Optic nerves were constructed,
olfactory apparatus made, vocal cords built; it could now see, smell, and
talk, even though it still exuded yellow cranial fluid all over the hungry
floor and generally looked and smelled like digested lunch left in the large
intestine.
"Gods, the smell! Who farted?" The menials, detaching eyeballs from
their various tasks, looked at one another in a combination of fear and secret
humor. Chak turned the color of stale urine in embarassment once again. The
latest arrival in the room lost its control and melted down into a puddle of
glop, this time brown. Moving fast to keep from getting sucked under by the
floor, it took almost thirty seconds to reconstruct the vocal apparatus again,
and when it did, its voice bristled with rage.
"You! You'll be demoted for that, I promise! Now where are the lab
results you promised me four hours ago?"
Chak sputtered, spraying the room with sticky salivary fluid. "I...I
don't know, sir, they're still in the lab. I'll have them hurry up if you
wish, sir."
A tentacle burst out of the purple brain-like thing on the floor, grabbed
a nearby cutting tool, and severed Chak's feeding tube with an audible tearing
sound. Gray muck sprayed the floor. The mass of flesh, once the part of Chak
feeding on the human brain tissue, piteously whined for a few seconds, then
flopped over, turning black and splitting open, digestive ichor and intestine
spilling out over the control panel and floor. Chak threw up.
Alarm bells rang, the bridge of the starship hummed into activity.
"What is it?" the brain cried out.
One of the menials, arms and tentacles extended to operate the scanning
controls, answered the question.
"We're tracking an intruding spacecraft, human design. They
are...unaware of us, sir."
"Good. Our antidetection setup is working, then. Follow them, see what
they're up to. They may be a private craft, but we don't know that."
Chak managed to heal himself by now, sealing off the offending feeding
tube leaking a mixture of bone marrow, brain tissue, and excrement. Another
node soon began growing.
"You, Chak, call engineering and get a crew ready. We're going to dock
in a couple of days."
Toxic green smoke and the smell of rotting garbage filled the air as
several large sacks of rotten ground beef searched the darkened corridors for
the remaining two human crew members, untouched in the initial invasion. As
this was to have been their sleep period, they had been cut off and left in
ignorance when the ship was boarded and taken captive. They were, however,
not sleeping. They had felt the jarring collision and knew they were being
boarded, so they holed up in the armory, preparing for a fight.
The first two had been captured quite easily, as they were in the control
room, and wore only their sidearms. A short gunbattle and they now stood
immobile, encased in stasis fields.
Chak flopped in, fouling the air to smog alert status, burbling to
himself in a businesslike manner and actually doing his equivalent of laughing
when he saw the two humans in stasis. A feeding head started dripping
digestive enzymes on the floor (eating through it) until one of his tentacles
bashed it in the mouth. It retracted itself and Chak was then able to give
orders. One of his subservients was stupid enough, however, to speak first.
"We got 'em all, master. What shall we do now?"
The luckless wight exploded, coating the walls and ceiling with barbecued
shit. Chak holstered his blaster.
"Why is everyone so stupid around here? Vessels like these carry crews
of four." He pointed to two others. "You and you go find them. Check the
armory first, that is, if you can find it."
The two in the armory were duly found and reinforcements called up, as
the humans were ready for them. In the furious gunbattle that followed, Chak
executed another of his officers for accidentally killing one of the enemy.
"Idiot! I want them ALIVE!"
The other one was encased in a stasis field and Chak, hungry after an
exciting battle, made his way over to the fallen human and extended a small
tentacle, equipped on the tip with a small octopus-like sucker. Attaching
itself firmly to the eyeball, Chak unconsciously applied a small amout of
pressure to his appendage. With a faint pop the whitish globe emerged,
trailing an inch or two of optic nerve. A stronger yank seperated this from
the brain. His officers watched in rapt fascination and ill-concealed en
vy as
he placed it near his feeding mouth, which snapped at it with a surprising
ferocity. In silence, he finished off the eyes, drilled through the skull,
and started scooping out the brain. The rest of it, including the testicles
(in spite of everything, he was in a good mood), he left for the others.
(c) 1986 Anarchy, Inc.
"The Textfile People..."