I Dreamed of a Lokpal and It Was Scary

“Even after [the Lokpal] is created, it may lead to a huge parallel bureaucracy which would set in train its own set of consequences, including arbitrariness, harassment and unfair and illegal action.” – Parliamentary standing committee report on Lokpal Bill 2011, Dec. 9, 2011.

Indranil Mukherjee/Agence France-Presse/Getty Images

What will the future look like in a Lokpal society?

We wondered – tongue firmly in cheek – what the future might look like in a Lokpal society.

Kejriwal: Yes, you’ve been saying that ever since we probed you. Stop it.

Manmohan: I am in favor of a strong cup of tea!

Kejriwal: Better. Now, to business. I want to make sure we still hold the power of life and death over more people than are employed by the U.S. Federal Government, Wal-Mart and the People’s Liberation Army combined. [pushes buttons on video monitor] Commander of the Lower Orders of the Bureaucracy, can you confirm?

Kiran Bedi [appears on screen]: Good morning, sir. As of midnight, government of Amrika had 2,002,451, Wal-Mart had 2,100,367, and the Chinese Army 3,008,422—[turns from monitor and shouts] Get off my lawn! [back to monitor] Sorry, sir, bloody neighborhood kids, we need to bring them under our jurisdiction as well …

Kejriwal: Focus Commander, focus. We’ll send over the Great Gandhian to educate them in the ways of non-violent beating. [turns to Manmohan] So, Mr. Internationally Respected Economist [giggles], what are the totals then?

Manmohan: 7,111,240 for them versus 7,111,196 Indian government workers who now report to you.

Kejriwal: Damn! They’re 44 ahead. Wal-Mart must be hiring in Chihuahua. Or the Chinese have formed a new battalion to harass our troops in Arunachal Pradesh. We need more people under our purview. Suggestions?

Kejriwal: Please think before you yell, Commander. There are only 28 justices. And they already report to me.

Kiran Bedi: Ah, yes, since the Great Agitation of 2013.

Kejriwal: Lets tell Modi-ji to nationalize one of his GM plants in Gujarat. That should net us 24,994. Even better, we could remove our spies from Mayawati’s new mansion in Chanakyapuri if she agrees to give us all of her “Behenji” statue carvers. That should net us 387,228.

Manmohan [interrupting]: Sir, you have a phone call from 10 Janpath.

Kejriwal: Dammit. Doesn’t she know how busy I am? What does she want?

Manmohan: Permission to speak in Parliament, sir.

Kejriwal: Denied!

Manmohan: If I might be so bold, sir. She’s just asking if she can tell the nation when you want to hold the next elections.

Kejriwal: I will tell her later when the people want them. First I need to consult my calendar. [clicks on computer] Let’s see. They can’t be in March because we are dissolving the Rajya Sabha forever on the 5th and replacing it with a Jan Rajya Sabha, with 1,762 members appointed by me. The 10th I had penciled in as Hang Parliament Day. That still makes me laugh. Gettit Manmo? You had a hung Parliament, I have a Hang Parliament Day–

Manmohan: [Sighs] Yes, very clever sir. I do so admire your sense of humor. Shall I tell her you cannot speak right now?

Kejriwal: OK, OK, give me the phone. I swear that sometimes it seems like nothing has changed at all. What was the point of throwing out the old government and installing all our friends if I am only going to be harassed by some blasted female politician? [picks up handset] Yes good morning, Sushma-ji, what’s on your mind?

Paul Beckett is The Wall Street Journal’s bureau chief in New Delhi. Follow him on Twitter @paulwsj. You can follow India Real Time on Twitter @indiarealtime.

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