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How We Learn to Lie

Parents care about their children. After all, they are helpless beings from the get go. We need to make sure that they are fed, clothed, and kept warm. It is hard to be overprotective when dealing with a young child.

On the other hand, children need to become independent. Research has an interesting thing to tell us. According to Margaret Mahler, the first steps of a toddler are AWAY from her mother! Kids have egos too…and need to assert themselves, even with parents staring over their shoulders.

So, how do you break free when you are little and a parent supervises without stop? Two strategies work, and often continue onto adulthood.

The Power of NO: We all yearn to hear our child belt out mommy or daddy as their first word, but often a child is more concerned with establishing independence than assuaging our feelings. “No” is a great first word.

The Power of Lying: Most children learn the art of lying as another route to establishing independence. Children will often say they didn't do something that they have done with the hope that it will all go away. Sound familiar?

When Children Lie:

Let’s consider one of Bill Cosby’s classic routines: He tells of a moment when he happens upon his youngest daughter, who has her hand in the proverbial cookie jar. Cosby’s caught this kid red handed. Nothing is said. They stare at each other for awhile. Then, as if caught by surprise, this smart little girl takes her hand out with a cookie and hands it to her Daddy adding, "This is for you" —which of course is a lie.

Lying establishes secrets because you can't have a secret without lying. The two go hand-in-hand. Children keep secrets to have something special for themselves. Mommy and Daddy don't know about the candy that Timothy had before dinner. Or that he lied about brushing his teeth before going to bed. Lying is a form of power. It is a form of individuation. And, for young children, it’s healthy and normal.

Imaginary friends are a popular secret kept from parents. You'll find your child talking out loud to thin air playing dress up or house. And when you invade this world and try to find out what she's up to, she'll decline to tell you the truth and quickly say, "Nothing."

The Secret Life of a Parent:

Parents also keep secrets from their children. They talk about things children don't know about - money, sex, or even about the children themselves.

Plus, parents have a secret life behind the closed door of their bedroom. Whatever strange sounds seep out only add to the secrets of that space. Kids are not allowed. And, they can only guess what’s going on.

The news here is that the world of secrets is not inherently problematic. Children keep secrets, and parents do as well. But when secrets become a destructive part of adult life, they can lead to dangerous double lives.

Lying must abate. And, it does for most children. We would not have civilization without this accomplishment.

The Development of Integrity:

Naturally, a child’s mind matures. She reaches the grade school years and appreciates the need for fairness and truth in this world. She develops the hard won capacity to self express and her parents value her sense of right and wrong. They encourage their emerging citizen to express herself. Lying becomes a taboo…an antiquated and immature relic of her past.

How Abuse Stunts Development: The malignancy of abuse hurts children on many levels. Why should they trust again? And, deep in their brains lies hurts that get reactivated in adult life. This is the trauma response. But, an issue not spoken about enough is how abuse affects the developmental dynamic of telling the truth. Imagine that you are sexually or physically abused. You have no safe place at home. And, the parent who abuses you is also the source of food and substance. Plus, you may believe that if only you behave, then he or she will leave you alone. He tells you to keep the secret. She warns you that this is not to be discussed with strangers…we are family after all.

They Watch Us: Parenting is about modeling. If we lie easily, they may as well. Whatever our background may be, we bring our values to our children. And, they are prone to copying them. They know when we lie. For example, when you’re out with friends and not paying attention to them. “Oh, I had a lot of work to do.” It works once, twice, but not over time. If we are triggered to win all arguments, we will bend the truth in order to make a point. Are you narcissistic or a bully? They know… and they are tempted to copy.

Are We Fair? At its core, truth is about believing in something bigger than our egos. It need not be a religious belief. We come to believe that truth counts. And that winning an argument is not as important as the truth. We believe that truth may be unhappy, but forgiveness is in this world. Kids lie to get away with stuff. They tell the truth in order to be true to themselves. If parents are inherently unfair, kids don’t become believers.

Do We Care? The debate today about validating every action of our children comes down to a discussion about fostering character. Kids naturally lie to get away with things. Do we crack down so hard that they are wounded, or do we act as if it doesn't matter which is another form of wound. We need to care about our standards. Deceipt is not acceptable. Do we communicate this important value successfully?

There is a place for lying in this world. In fact, it is developmentally normal for a preschool child. It kicks up again in adolescence. But, it should fade as a habit as a child matures and becomes more confident of himself and his standards.

Lying will never go away. It is in our advertisements, in our relationships, in our sports, our politics and in American self promotion.

Yet, life is not so simple. Lying does sometimes serve a purpose when balanced against other values that really count to you. And, occasionally withholding a truth is a kindness. Do you really want to tell your son that he lacks any ability to sing? Who knows, he may surprise you. Lying is one value among many. But, if it becomes habit, then we have a problem.

In coming posts, we’ll look at lying in relationships and elsewhere. Lying can lead to secrets. And, secrets can lead to troubles.

When children lie, parents and other elders such as teachers hate it. However, have we ever thought why the kid is lying to us? Why not to the friends? Why not to the siblings? Most of the times, lying is out of fear or a strictness in terms of reply of 'No' that the kids do not want to face. Well, it is high time to give kids that much space to feel comfortable to talk freely to parents. For this, parents need to leave their insistence and open up their minds in front of kids by explaining (pros and cons) things face to face.

It’s been more than a year since the letter of 2/12/12 and the apparent subsequent closing shortly thereafter of Glass Family Law. I understand he is now not promoting himself as uniquely blended in Psychology and Law but is at another firm doing probate work. Interestingly enough his resume at FMBK Law has claims of credentials I understand you believe are false based upon you direct written response from organizations Mr. Glass claims to be a member or associated with. Who does that reflect upon him or the diligence and propriety of the firm which now employs him?

It occurred to me that the complete contrast in our cases is almost deafening in the way it shouts hypocrisy, maleficent practices, and flat out perjuries within statements written under penalty of perjury and oral statements within hearings and written statements within submitted briefs screams of the manipulation of parents. This IMHO by attorney’s, the bench and minor’s councils within the family court system in CA at least. Given I was asked to waive my Fifth Amendment Rights in family court? And did so .The issuance of restraining orders on both of us within 3 weeks of my letter of the 12 of February under quote Justice Convey in your instance (“by the slimmest of margins”)one has to wonder at the coincidence…Right? Of course I was judged as having stalked by proxy because I hired a PI to prove my daughter was being housed with a felon (cultivating under a Federal Indictment),,, and the mother knew it.

Indeed in your instance you were falsely accused of molestation by the mother of your son seven ( 7) times and then of stalking (8th)when the child was too old to falsely accuse the father of abuse .I note your minors council never interviewed your child even though Sammy was ten (10) . In your case no abuse took place yet you were put on monitored visitation and visitation reduced to police station pick-ups permanently. It would seem logical Ken that at some time you become a safe parent. When is that after your four (4th) parenting class? Or after the third 3rd interview with the District Attorney’s Office. How about after the 8th sheriff or 13th DCFS investigations. What grade gives you a pass? Or is it like our friend who ponied up a Million dollars.
In my case I alleged that the mother was negligent or deliberately sub parenting in a manner as was provocative .Lj was taken to UCLA med center at three & half (3 ½) .and on morphine and intravenous feeding for 6 weeks after the neighbors call the police because they could hear her screaming. I had previously stated the mother did not have the skills or empathy and may have been suffering some mental distress.

Then two (2) years later numerous blood noses (daddy don’t put sunscreen on …its very sore) and Minors counsel accused me of overreacting etc. Yet my daughter now is showing a scar across her nose as her face has grown. Also when the symptoms that caused the first hospitalization reoccurred I took Lj to the Doctor without custodial privileges and was again accused of being alarmist yet the child’s diet was immediately changed by the mother and things improved.
Not forgetting being accused of 10K in support arrears that the judge threw out as falsified spreadsheet CSSD said I never owed anything. As well as the LCSW saying the Mothers accusation I yelled at our daughter and threw a phone at her was a work of fiction. Perhaps that is why we have a letter from the Bar suggesting we pursue “civil action”.

Given all this I am the one who is separated and monitored.
My point is you are not a molester as the DA stated yet you are punished and to the opposite I can prove the mother has been ,may still be or is a least using sub care of my child in a provocative manner where my child may be suffering yet I am punished,. Quote (LCFS,,‘ The Mother is not currently negligent”)
Really?
Finally we have our friend who only after paying a million dollars was taken of monitoring, all accusations and interference stopped and can see his children when he wants.

Here is the situation Given the violence in society killings in families, how much damage has been done to children and women, mothers Fathers parents and extended family by the propagation of this kind of duplicitous behavior within what seems to be a culture of deceit built around self-aggrandizing and financial self-serving that in fact amounts to fiscal abuse of children. What training skills and so on are lost in funneling the parent’s income to third party leeches using false or manipulated circumstances to serve their own interests?

In my case I spent more than $ 47,072 seeing my daughter for twelve ( 12) hours each month for the last year.
I kept my second residence in California, (rent) paid child support, Airfare from NY once a month air fare for a weekend from oversees and monitor costs including the monitors meals , go-cart rides, Taxis/transportation , lunches, entertainment, getting around, clothes, toys, books & games and adventures that I as her father are able to spend upon the daughter that I have raised!
What type of enhanced opportunities could a different approach have made?

If fathers are the enemy what will mothers become once a more robotic agenda is achieved .They will be phased out as well. Women should consider the short amount of time science is giving them to make the correct adjustments to this situation and police their own ranks from peers lawyers and malevolent individuals who care little for children, and will eventually throw mothers to the wayside in preference of the state. I mean do little girls really need to be born with a womb anymore?
The societal cost of the emotional and mental anguish to children and subsequent family killings from person caught up in this situations is surely not worth the salaries of a the firms and government agencies who benefit from this culture…>All mothers, children and Fathers are at risk and more so daily as those uneducated to the manner they will be manipulated and have their conflict orchestrated to the fiscal advantage of others.

My being asked to waive my 5th in family court because a stated somebody was a dead man walking, professionally speaking .It would seem I know what I’m doing as David J. Glass Ph.D. is now hobbled from abusing any more families and a judge who asks me if I wished merry Christmas to a Jewish Lawyer as a hateful gesture seems to be setting me up for something, especially since you had received notices mailed to your residence disclosing that David Glass would be on vacation during the “Christmas holidays”.

Yet you Ken are a longtime Jewish friend and my father spent weeks in a cattle car on his way to Stalag IVIII in Poland.

Was it not the Nazis who first separated children from parents?

And then when I request the transcript from that hearing, I pay for it I and then get not the original but a copy and my money order is handed back to me and no one will say who was given the original?

Lj says to me at age of 6 when I tell her mom loves her and will always be in her life
She state’s to me …“She’s going to live a lot; she’s never going to die?”

What is this child going to hold her mother responsible for and by what means will she do so?

The enabling of conflict by those who seek to gain financially is simply evil and no different from an arms dealer who supplies both sides .The killing of life be it on an emotional ,intellectual, financial, mental, spiritual and /a or physical level is a death and no different from actually using a mechanical device. Too knowingly do so to children whose spirit is pure is inherently foul.

To surmise IMHO the individuals and associated firms in our cases are only the tip of the iceberg.

Please get back to me with your thoughts, I am thinking about copying this letter and the letter of 2-12-2012 to the California Attorney General.
Thanks
Graham.
Ps I’ll be in LA for visitation. It snowed in NY this week.

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The Bar Exam Doctor provides a high quality service at a reduced Bar exam rate by forcing students to do two things – Performance Tests and Essays ! We have structured our prices so that students are able to afford our service without taking away the money needed for food, lodging, and other necessities.