Friday, December 31, 2004

It's that time of year again - New Year's Eve. And I am so fucking relieved it's here.

2004 has been, without a doubt, the worst year of my life. Let's recap, shall we?

January 2004:1. I was dragged against my will to a Monster Truck Rally for my birthday. It sucked. I'm just not a monster truck kinda girl. EH gives me nothing - not a card, not a gift, nothing. It's a sign of things to come.

2. EH went out of town to Sundance for 10 days immediately after my birthday. I spent the entire 10 days remodeling the bedroom alone and with 2 separated discs in my back. I worked 18 hours a day every day to get it done to surprise him. When we picked him up at the airport and brought him home, I had a bottle of chilled wine, a tray of sliced fruits and chocolate dipping sauce and lit candles filling the room. He barely noticed. He went straight to sleep. Not one sign of appreciation.

3. EH's job requires him to work from 2 pm - 11 pm 6 days a week with Monday off. We see each other maybe 6 hours a week.

February 2004:
4. EH has to work on Valentine's Day. I spend the night alone and sad. There is no card, no gift, nothing.

5. EH's awful work hours continue. I begin to slide into depression. I am alone around the clock and when EH is home, there is no interaction between us at all.

March 2004:
6. Our anniversary - I do all the arranging and reservations, EH does nothing. I spring a "state of the marriage" conversation on him and let him know I am unhappy right now with our marriage and being ignored every day.

7. Our daughter's birthday...EH has to work. I take her out with friends alone. No party, nothing special.

7 1/2. Depressed and unhappy, at a work-related event I have far too much to drink and find myself being kissed by someone who should never have crossed that line. I go home and cry but don't tell anyone.

April 20048. Easter...EH has to work. I am miserable. I spend the night with our daughter at a friends house just to have something to do for the holiday.

9. Our car breaks down. Now I am not only alone every day, but I am chained to the house without transportation.

10. Air & Sea show - an annual tradition of ours - EH has to work. My daughter and I go alone and again, we have to spend the night at a friends house to get to the show early (so I can ride with them).

11. EH and I are now barely speaking. I am rushed to the ER after passing out. A quack dr tells me I am in kidney failure and I nearly go into cardiac arrest. It turns out to be a violent kidney infection instead.

May12. I tell EH that if he works on Mother's Day I will divorce him. I think I even mean it.

13. My longtime job as a work-from-home rep falls apart and I am unemployed. As the primary breadwinner, this is devastating.

14. I buy a brand new car.

15. Memorial Day - EH works. I'm fucking tired of it. Alone again.

June:
16. I get hired at my current job.

17. On my 3rd day at work, I learn I am pregnant - shocking considering the lack of sex - and the fact that we tried for 6 years to have another baby unsuccessfully. I wonder if this could be an immaculate conception.

18. 6 days later I come home from work and find evidence that EH is having an affair - or long-distance relationship, rather - with a woman online...and that it has been going on for months. I freak out.

19. I begin paying $130 a week for a marriage counselor. I demand EH changes jobs to a job that helps pay the bills and has hours conducive to a family if we are to salvage this marriage.

July:
20. I am having daily emotional breakdowns.

21. I am sick as a dog with the new baby.

22. My mother - a woman who has always been my best friend - attempts suicide. I get the call at work. My new employer is obviously beginning to wonder what kind of person she hired - a sullen, quiet, weepy, depressed mess of a human.

23. My new car is "accidentally" repossessed in the middle of the night by 3 thugs who intimidate EH and I at 4 in the morning by screaming in our faces and waving gigantic heavy flashlights at our heads. It takes a full day to straighten the mess out.

24. EH leaves his job without a new job. We're broke.

August:
25. I lose the baby at 4 1/2 months. It's horrible. It's not a miscarriage, my water breaks at work and I have to endure 12 hours in the ER complete with intensely painful labor and delivery of an 18 oz son who can not survive. The baby is fully formed, just very tiny. I deliver the baby at 6:50 am in a hospital room completely alone without anyone around. I'll never forget the tiny fingers and toes. EH is home sleeping and comes back the moment I call him.

26. Eh gets hired and loses his job two weeks later.

September:
25. I am depressed again. We're broke.

26. EH gets a new job.

October:
27. EH loses his new job with no explanation.

November:
28. EH gets another job - one he worked at a year or so ago. The location and hours are perfect, the money is okay. But they can only use him through the holidays.

December:
29. EH has a grand mal seizure in the middle of making love to me and stops breathing. We spend the day in the ER.

30. EH is put on a lifetime of medication that decreases sex drive and when we do make love, it is clear that I'm affected as much as he is. During sex, the moment his muscles tighten I panic every time thinking he is going to have another seizure.

And there you have it... Wouldn't you agree this is a lousy year? So, you can see why I might be in a hurry for it to end.

In the spirit of New Year's Eve, I decided to make resolutions.

1. I will lose those extra lbs once and for all.
2. I will smile more, laugh more, enjoy life more.
3. I will be more understanding of others and be kinder to them in turn.
4. I will make time for myself to enjoy, explore, experience
5. I will purchase my first home
6. I will keep my home neater
7. I will make more time for my daughter - just to play with her, enjoy her.
8. I will learn how to bake at least one exquisite dessert that EH goes crazy for.
9. I will keep my car neater
10. I will forgive people, even if I never forget
11. I will open myself up to new friendships by being more approachable and warm to people.
12. I will learn at least a tiny bit of patience.
13. I will apply myself much more to my job and try to excel
14. I will revisit the idea of going back into business for myself.
15. I will be stronger, making decisions based on what is right for me and my future instead of on emotions.

I will love more, laugh more, live more. I will take better care of myself and the people around me.

At midnight, I am letting go of the past year for good.

I hope each and every one of you has a truly wonderful New Year's Eve and I wish the best for you in the coming year.

You didn't think 2004 was going to end without one last cosmic slap at me, did you?

I'm getting sick.

I've watched those around me, including SG, suffer from a very nasty flu bug in the last 2 weeks. I've seen scores of co-workers miss work and family members slump through the holidays battling this.

And, here it is. My head is stuffy and achy, my neck hurts and I'm stuffy, sniffling, coughing and sneezing.

Fuck you, 2004, I say. And "Fuck you too, Odd Wife" says 2004.

But I will be damned if I am going to succumb. A little cold medication when I get out of work and maybe a brief nap and I am getting back on my feet and moving forward.

In truth, I expected this. Or rather, I expected something. I knew the last day of this hell-year would be sure to suck as much as it could. I expected a flat tire, a car accident...something. I won't be surprised if it delivers sucky delights all the way up to 11:59 pm.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

I've bitched enough about how 2004 sucked. That's done. I may sneak in a little more bitching about it, but only through tomorrow. Then it's over and done with.

2005 is going to be a great year. I am going to make sure it is. I'm taking back the control of my life and I'm going to strongly emphasize the good things in life.

There's preparations to be done, and time has not really permitted for early starts. There's a lot of house cleaning, both literal and metaphorical, to be done. I'm actually looking forward to the challenge.

The end of 2004 is for me a huge relief, but I have so much to be grateful for as well. I am so thankful that the end of the year finds me so deeply reconnected to EH. We had a strong marriage/relationship before the problems this year - but nothing compared to what it is today. Nearly losing it all taught us both so much about respect, consideration and love. I've been with EH for 10 years now and I end each night in his arms, thanking the heavens that I can feel his arms around me and know I am loved by such an extraordinary man.

We're going to spend New Year's Eve with our best friends, S & M. We all have babysitter's and we're planning a meal, dancing and then retiring to S & M's home for drinking and debauchery.

I don't expect 2005 to be a magic cure-all, where all of my problems disappear at the stroke of midnight. I believe 2005 will be a "transition" year for me. A year of cleaning up the messes and problems of the past and a year of forward progress. It won't be easy, but it will all be done with great love and hope for a better future.

2005 will also be a year to put myself back together as a person, physically, spiritually, mentally and soul-ly. The diet starts Jan. 1st to shed those baby lbs I've clung to...I've had great success in the past dieting, so this should be cut and dry. Spiritually, I plan to reconnect to my beliefs and better incorporate them into my life through meditation, yoga, etc., mentally I plan to take stock of good and bad traits and rearrange my traits to try to be a better and stronger person. I need to learn to say "no" and mean it and I want to be a better friend to all., Soul-ly, I plan to see what this turns out to be...I just liked the idea of incorporating the "soul" in the sentence.

No matter what changes are to come, I will remain "The Odd Wife" - embracing my eccentricities and quirks proudly.

When I had a sudden urge to put something in my mouth last night around 9 pm, EH was jsut sitting there on the couch. It was just a few zips and tugs before I had him freed and was contentedly feasting. When he said "You are very good at that" in a somewhat ragged voice, the adrenaline was pumping.

I was happy to stay where I was, doing what I was...EH insisted on more, so we ended up on the living room floor.

But that was only partially as nice as later...

In bed, going to sleep. EH decides he wants another go-round. I'm tired and falling asleep and initially deter him...but then I decide to do it for him.

Down I go again, hands and mouth, bringing him just to the brink before he pulls me astride him for the grand finale...

So nice. So very nice.

Even nicer to wake up beside him this morning and engage in cuddling, teasing, laughing, poking and silliness. Both of us alternately refusing to get out of bed then kiddingly berating the other for just that.

The sex alone would have been a thrill...but add to it the warmth and special tender moments of being a committed married couple and we have it all...

This post is to Mac, who said s/he(?) had experienced some problems similar to EH's and mine this year and asked how we fixed it.

I wish it were a simple answer.

The biggest "fix" was EH. The very second that I found out what had been going on and was staring at a few months worth of evidence I called him at work (he was expecting SG and I to arrive there for a movie any moment) and confronted him. He never made excuses and he was sorrier than you've ever seen a man.

I can't speak to what went through his mind, but I can tell you I was demanding he leave the home from the first words out of my mouth. I think that he knew in a heartbeat that it really was going to be over and suddenly realized how important the marriage was to him.

In the ensuing weeks...make that months, EH was patient. He tolerated every single rage I threw at him. When I screamed and called him horrible names, he agreed wholeheartedly with me and threw in a few names of his own. When I cried, he held me. When I felt shattered and broken, he did everything he could to hold me together. When I was upset to the point of vomiting repeatedly, he rubbed my back and begged for another chance. He never made excuses or tried to justify his actions. He was (and still is) far harder on himself than I could be. When I raged and hated (and I mean fucking hated) the whore he was involved with, he hated right along with me.

Along with that, it took talking until the issue had been talked to pieces. It took a lot of holding each other and kissing and making love to reconnect. It took sharing our deepest, darkest feelings openly - even if they were going to hurt. It took honesty. It took time.

I maintain that EH's behavior was a major role in the healing. Had he made even one excuse or given me one moment to doubt that he could do it again...I would have thrown him out in the beat of a breath. But he has put in tireless effort to be the best husband any man could be and I have to admit...he's damned good at it.

It's in the way he holds me. Strokes my hair. Looks into my eyes and smiles without saying anything. The way he watches me. The way he responds to my smile. The way he touches me. The selfless concerns for my well-being. It's in the way he puts my needs (and SG's) so far ahead of his own that I find myself worrying he's neglecting himself and have to try to give it back to him. It's in every hug, every kiss, every "I love you".

These days...what we went through is becoming a distant memory. The man in my life now is Prince Charming come to life and I'll give every breath I have to treating him as well as he treats me.

What did it take? Time. Patience (his, I had none). Luck. Lots and lots of love. Pain.

I'm sorry you went through this. Having experienced it, I wouldn't wish it on anyone...(well, ok - one person.) But I can offer you one bit of hope. If you can find your way through it together, you come out so much stronger and more in love for it. I can honestly say that in many ways it was worth it.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

A New Year is Coming...

A new year is coming and I have to believe it will be a good one.

In fact, I intend to make it a good one. Sluts, death, suicide-attempts, job downsizing, financial woes and marital problems galore have made 2004 a rotten year. And at the 11:59 pm on 12/31/2004 - I will be giving a dual-middle-finger-salute to it as it fades into history.

Fuck Off, 2004.

Fuck you for being the year my marriage went to shit and some woman came into the picture that had no business in our life.

Fuck you for being the year my happy job was downsized changing my entire life from work at home mom, to struggling 9-to-5'er earning less money with more stress and more expenses.

Fuck you for being the year that we lost the 2nd child we tried for so long to have at mid-term.

Fuck you for being the year EH had a grand mal seizure resulting in a lifetime of medicine that affects him in numerous ways.

Fuck you for being the year that my mother distanced herself from me and attempted suicide.

Fuck you for being the year of countless tears, screams, pain and suffering.

Fuck you for the tsunami too...

And thank you....

Thank you for being the year that let me save my marriage and watched it morph into something far better than it ever was...

Thank you for being the year that I learned how to forgive...

Thank you for being the year that I learned a new job trade.

Thank you for being the year that taught me countless lessons on surviving, grieving, standing tall and moving forward.

See ya, 2004.

I'm just trite enough to make resolutions too...

1. I resolve to get BACK in shape and lose the baby weight I held onto like a memento of my lost baby.

2. I resolve to buy a house...

3. I resolve to continue to strengthen and improve my marriage.

4. I resolve to learn to speak Spanish

5. I resolve to adapt a more positive outlook

6. I resolve to write a novel...even if it sucks horribly...just to say that I did it.

7. I resolve to better balance work and home life.

8. I resolve to spend more quality time with SG

9. I resolve to do all that I can to bring my insane extended family back together.

10. I will host one party.

11. I will paint. And I will hang them up and display them proudly...even if they suck horribly.

12. I will be kinder and friendlier to strangers...

13. I will keep a clean-er house...

14. I will become more organized (if it kills me)

15. I will strive to be the kind of person that people like to know, that people want to know and that people talk about...good or bad.

At last report they suspected the death toll was now approximately 60,000. News like this just floors me.

It amazes me that I'm sitting in my office, chatting with co-workers about reports and such while a natural disaster powerful enough to kill that many people AND actually alter the earth's rotation and possibly have shortened the day by 3 microseconds has occurred.

I worked late, moving my stuff from my itty-bitty newbie cubicle to my great big spacious window seat cube. SG was just not feeling well and it showed. We went home and let her relax while we confronted our landlady on the mold issue.

She was higher than a kite. Whatever meds this old woman is on - they're fun ones. She had no idea where she was. She told us to do whatever we had to to take care of the problem. We took photos - just in case... All in all, some progress was made. We cut up and ripped out the carpet in the mold space and washed it down again.

The rest of the night...watching tv, eating crockpot beef stew, playing with my Sims2 game...all mundane stuff somehow felt like a date with my husband. The hugs when we passed, the smiles, the affection...he made it all fun.

I commented that my period was over and he said we should celebrate. And so we did...so we did...

Moving into the bedroom with a sense of urgency (damned too tall EH!) and for the first time since the sex-seizure...complete and total success! Two very satisfied and still shower-wet people cuddling up and drifting to sleep.

Perfection.

On a downer note, SG is home sick today. EH stayed home with her. We're plying her with flu meds and keeping her in bed. I hope she kicks this thing today.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Mold

We have a situation...

About 3 months ago, we reported a possible leak to our landlady. She is elderly and not well, and not surprisingly she did nothing about it.

In November, it became worse and we pushed the issue and she had a repairman come out to take a look. The floor and wall in the storage space beneath our stairs (around the hot water heater) is damp and mold has begun to grow. He was unsure as to the problem/source and after examining it, he went to speak to her. We never heard another word and our landlady went back into the hospital for a week or so.

Now, SG is sick. I think it's due to mold.

We have no other recourse...the owners/trustees of the building are anonymous to us. We have no contact other than our landlady. We withheld rent for the past 2 months to try to get them to react and got no reponse. SG is really getting sick and I am very worried. Clearly we have to get out right away, but that's truly easier said than done...

Does anyone have any information or experience with mold and illness and rentals? Any advice?

Here we sit in a quiet and tired house and you can tell that Christmas is over:
Overtired, overstressed, or—in the case of the daughter—over stimulated. Even the pets are over being left behind so often. But in all it was a very good holiday. The kid cleaned up and, even despite some missteps of relatives, we had a pleasant go of things. It is always good to get together and do the family & friends routine, but we never have enough time to do it properly.

Under our roof we came to discover just how much on the cusp of adulthood our little one, Silly Girl, has grown. For starters we still act out the charade of Santa, but the prevailing theory is that she is playing along for our benefit. As proof she has been battling sickness for a few days and she is the sort to say nothing at all about her condition before sending forth a torrent of vomit. Most kids would whine and bitch until they get the Florence Nightingale treachment. Our young’in doesn’t want to bother us with her condition. To the same extent we feel she is humoring us by “believing” in Santa.

I did well enough on my end by giving the Odd Wife a proper mixture of gifts that were sentimental and humorous, and she seems to have appreciated both attempts. One present was “The Sims 2”, and it has been fun watching her wrestle with her first character who refuses to be anything but a whore of a lesbian. With me she hit a homer with some well targeted Tommy Bahama items, but the truth is I didn’t give a damn what she gave me. Simply having a Christmas was more than enough for me, and that is not some bullshit Currier & Ives seasonal treacle.

As she has stated before this year has been quite rotten for us, and the fact that some of that wretchedness was my fault still brings about the acid reflux. At the start of ‘04 we were battling through some standard and some atypical marital challenges, and we allowed a fair amount of resentment to seep into our relationship. My way of dealing with the problems was to act out and act selfish. I sought solace with anonymous comfort on the web and TOW really had every right to cut me loose. Instead she managed to find a way to see fit to try to understand what had happened.

There is no way of describing just how hard the following months were for us. Resentment and confusion prevailed, with a fair amount of rage. I could do little more than take it. On the first day when she came to confront me on it at work I expected her to be furious and knowing I was wrong I could not defend myself--in fact when she first let fly physically I even stepped into her blows. We spent numerous long nights hashing and rehashing what happened; she trying to figure out why I did what I had done, me trying figure out what I could do to repair the damage. The expression “Two steps forward, one step back” was more than apt at that time. We would have a stretch of good times, and then suddenly it would seem we were plunged right back to our problem. Even today I do not pretend things are fixed, but I try to enhance those things that are working.

Making things harder on us were the mounting problems that would have been a confrontation to any relationship. She lost a lucrative job, we twice were chased out of our home within a month by hurricanes, and worst of all we lost our baby at mid-term. These things only augmented the problems that existed between us, but we continued and we managed to find our way. Eventually we arrived at a point when we began to feel good about ourselves once again.

Of late we have become something altogether different to the extent we have said we may not be where we are today had we not had those problems. That by no means is to say it justifies my actions, but possibly it woke us up to the fact that we had arrived at a crossroads and had some serious decisions to make. Today I am quite thrilled to say we have made some right decisions. We can smile together again. We can enjoy doing things solely because we are doing them with each other. And maybe the biggest test of all comes when we have things that we need to do, and we enjoy those moments as well. The past few weeks with the compulsory time spent shopping, running errands, and traveling about were actually a joy.

None of this of course would have been an option had my bride not had the strength to resist the normal urge to send me off way back then. I’m certain most people she knows told her to ship me off with a one-way to “Who-The-Hell-Cares Junction”, but she weighed everything that was at stake and deemed to gives us a chance. Because of that I can now spend days looking at her with admiration, affection, and desire.

Some people consider her unique, never quite too sure how to properly regard the distinctions. I love that aspect of her, that quirky, expressive part. Her entire office walks by her cubical decorated for Christmas with pink walls, glitter snowflakes, chartreuse champagne glasses and other glam effects, and they have no idea what to think. I approached it the first day and was neither shocked nor bothered. Her workmates waited for my reaction and I said, “I thought you told me you were busy today?!” People sometimes ask me about that side of her and I scoff at them. It is not a side, she is multi-faceted.

Today I’m only too grateful to her for the ability to bring us back to where we are, the two of us reveling in each other’s personalities. While Christmas shopping last week we always found ourselves gravitating to the things we both enjoy. One day on the swanky shopping road brought us to spend too much time in her favorite consignment shop and our local Tommy Bahama emporium. We shopped for house wares at a huge surf shop that had a broad tiki décor section, and we browsed extensively at a goth/punk shop we found in the mall. All the while I insisted she do so while wearing her reflective Santa hat because every time she put it on she had this huge warm smile on her that I couldn’t help staring at.

Like most everything else, this holiday was mostly a challenge for us, but the major difference for me was that we did not have that oppressive feeling of despair on our shoulders. Instead we smiled at each other and managed to shrug, because we felt somehow something else was more important. We could not be at this point if she was not the woman that she is. While I did what I could to mess things up between us she was able to look me in the eye and say she would not let me. By all rights I should not be around.

On Saturday Morning my daughter got enough boxes of Bratz dolls to fill a mall foodcourt, The Odd One got to laugh at some well chosen gifts from myself, the dog got to tear apart a stuffed lobter chew toy, the cat got to gorge of half a can of cat treats, and even the hamster got to find celery in its stocking. Me? I had the best gift of all…I got to see it all.

By now, we should all be aware of the complete devastation that has hit in the form of a tsunami affecting no less than 9 countries. A natural disaster powerful enough to have moved an island 100 feet southwest of it's original location and disturbed the rotation of the earth. Over 23,200 people are presumed dead and the numbers are rising by the hour.

Wherever you are in your day, stop and breathe for just a minute and realize the impact of a tragedy like this. If you can help in any way, please reach out.

Things like this bring armageddon images to mind, don't they? Go ahead and allow the thoughts to roam your mind...if we were facing the end of days, how would you like to live out the rest of your life? May as well start today, don't you think?

Do you want to finish your life as a liar? A cheat? Someone who carelessly hurts other people? Will you perish as a hero? A coward? A selfish person? Will you have made this world better at all during your lifetime?

Makes you think...maybe, for the souls it applies to, it can make you act as well. Whenever it happens, however...one day your life will end. Will it have been a worthwhile life? Will you have lived well and be remembered well by all who encountered you? Are you loved? Are you hated? Have you loved? Have you hated?

Could be time to stop reading (and writing) this post and make a change.

EH wrote a post over the holiday weekend, but my work cd-drive isn't cooperating, so it may be evening before you get to read it. :)

Christmas came afterall...not according to a pre-destined calander date, but right in the nick of time in spirit. By Christmas Eve, I had gotten into the swing of the season and was enveloped in love and warmth. Christmas Day was spent with friends and families, again, surrounded with love. The gifts were small, meaningful tokens - EH's gifts to me were a huge hit...a pair of large sparkly star earrings I had coveted for months, a sparkly bracelet of interlocking hearts set into sterling silver, a book "The Bad Girls Guide to Getting Everything You Want" (he swears I could have written it) and a hysterical sassy flipbook of 40's, 50's and 60's illustrated advertising paired with sly phrases and sarcastic comments titled "You say I'm a Bitch like it's a Bad Thing".

One of the biggest gifts came from our best friends who presented us with a weekend trip to Disney next month with them. None of us could imagine going without the other, so they ensured we'd be going together. We leave on Friday, Jan 21st to visit the Mouse.

SG was sick most of the weekend, poor kid. She had her ups and downs. She'd feel awful one moment, then suddenly be fine. She hung in there like a true trooper!

There were a million looks passed between EH and I over the past few days. Everyone of them makes me tingle. I can look at him and actually see how much he loves me. He has this slow, small smile he gives me and his eyes just light up and scan my face like he is memorizing it. I can't remember a time I've felt so very loved by any person...I know we have grown so much closer in the past few months than ever, but it almost seems like something has changed even more with him. He's been UNBELIEVABLY affectionate and kind and loving at every turn. I'm being swept off my feet around the clock. Best of all, the feeling is mutual...I'm over the moon for him.

I'll get his post up tonight.

We had his neurologist appointment this morning. No real news, but they don't want to alter his meds yet...so, no solution to the lack of sex drive thing. It's now been a week and a half and I'm getting a little frustrated. I admit, we have been beyond busy in our hustling and bustling...is it too much to ask to have my cake AND eat it too??? Truthfully, I have eased way off too...there is so much affection and cuddling and all, I almost didn't notice the sex was missing. Possibly EH has a plan to keep me so swept up and dazzled that I'll walk around in perpetual afterglow thinking I was made love to over and over again when the actual act never took place...

Sneaky boy.

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday as much as I did. I hope you were nestled in the arms of the person you love most in the world by the dim white lights of the fragrant Christmas tree reflecting on how perfect a moment can be. I hope you slept knowing you loved and were loved by everyone who mattered. I hope that you woke knowing the greatest gift of all didn't come in a box...it came from knowing that everyone around you, from friends, to family to co-workers, loved and accepted you exactly as you are and there was nothing to hide. For me, it was truly perfect.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

There have been a thousand glances passed between EH and I without words in the past few days. Each one of them a treasure. The words aren’t necessary, each look is full of love.

I’m constantly aware of how lucky I am. Not just that EH is a helluva guy, but that I am married to a man who has such a grip on my heart and soul. And even better that it seems to be mutual.

When he catches my eye and just smiles slowly at me, I feel that rush. It’s a rarity in couples together as long as we have been together, and a treasure in couples who have had a year as rough as we have had.

All that matters is those looks. The looks that tell me that I am all he needs. The looks that tell me he is happy to be all that I need.

I’m going to bed now. Up the stairs and through the doorway to crawl into bed beside this incredible man who fills my life with so much love. And I can sleep soundly and dreamless…all my dreams have already come true.

Despite another hell-day involving customers with a flair for the dramatic shrieking and collapsing and berating routine when I suggested that we might need some documentation before just giving her a few hundred thousand dollars, the day ended on a good note. I was called into the bosses office and given a change in location. I've just gone from the small newbie cubicle to the spacious window box. Ahhhhh.

While they presented it as a holiday gift to brighten my day, I suspect my plan worked. You see, my newbie cubicle is in the very front of the office. It's the first thing people see when they walk in. So, I've been decorating it stranger and stranger believing that one day, they will relocate me further down the aisle. Currently, my newbie cubicle walls are covered in pink latex with small sparkly stars hanging from it, a pink fuzzy stocking, some sparkly fringe, flowers, snowmen, etc. But last week it was feather boas and masks.

They did say I can decorate any way I like. I suggested a dungeon motiff with black walls and chains and my straight-laced boss smiled, nodding encouragingly saying "Sure, sure!". Pretty funny, really.

SG is still very sick. :( Heading home now to nurse her to health.

But...

Before I go.

I want to wish you a very merry holiday from The Odd Wife, The Even Husband and Silly Girl...well, most of you. Everyone but you. Not you. Not you. Yeah, you...the one in the back, thinking I don't see you. I see you. You can suck coal, you twit. But everyone else, have a VERY merry time!

But, seriously...

I am going home to snuggle with the man I married and love, my darling (if slightly ill) child and enjoy knowing I am surrounded with true love. Nothing else. EH has wrapped me in his arms night after night and told me how lucky he feels...

Do you ever think about reincarnation, or past life possibilities? I've always wondered, but never known for certain if I believed it or not. I've had a few experiences that might support the possibility...or they could be coincidence, right?

Once, I worked in a restaurant and there was a female co-worker that I didn't get along with all that well. We just avoided each other. I had this incredibly vivid dream that we were both back in the "burning times" of witches and she was being tried and convicted of practicing witchcraft. I was in the crowd, watching her and she looked straight into my eyes and I felt guilt. I knew I was part of a group of women who did practice and that I had betrayed her to save my own skin. It was such a strange and remarkable dream that I had to share it with her. She almost fell over when I told this to her. She has recurring dreams about being burned as a witch and a feeling that someone had "told on her" and she never knew who the tattletale was. (It was me! Heh!)

Anyway, odd...yes. But proof? Not really.

Last night, I had another strange thing happen.

I'm just sunk in negativity right now. I am stressed to the max with work and personal and holiday stuff and I just feel overwhelmed. I've been quiet and down. Last night, I woke at 4 am and used the bathroom and climbed back in bed. I could not fall back asleep. I tossed and turned and felt my head swimming with worries and frustration. I lay very still and began to imagine myself covered in black dirt. Then, piece by piece, I focused on a body part, starting with my fingers (my arms over my head) and was thinking some weird chant thing. I can't even remember it and had never heard it before but it was something like "My fingers are clean" and something with rhyming "white", "bright" and "light". I repeated this for each body part to about my torso before I was sound asleep.

But, the weird thing is...I don't do that. I don't lie in bed at night chanting. I was in this semi-asleep state and just did it. Odd, even for me. I just wonder where that came from. Granted, I was raised in a pagan way, so the concept makes sense, but my pagan style is more a set of beliefs about nature and energy with very little real witchy behavior.

Anyway, I felt a little better (not entirely...guess I should have stayed awake and finished the whole body, huh?) UNTIL this morning. SG is off from school and my work is super about allowing you to bring your children to work. Which is fine, except as we pulled into the parking lot, she vomited suddenly ALL OVER HERSELF. Despite best attempts to scrub her down in the bathroom, she's a mess. EH has her right now shopping for something to wear for the rest of the day. She swears she feels fine, and unfortunately, at 8 years old you stop carrying changes of clothing everywhere you go.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Coal, coal, coal

Well, this day is going to hell in a handbasket at an accelerated rate. There are 1500+ snafus at work making my day hell and my bank account is $14 overdrawn when I thought there was about $130 in the account and our half-dead landlady is coherrent enough to be fighting us about rent which we withheld in lieu of the repairs and damage she has neglected to address which is causing us grief. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. It seems like dozens and dozens of problems - both personal and professional have cropped up today.

Aye-aye-aye. I just want to go back to bed.

Dear Blog Reader: I have just done something I always said I wouldn't. I edited a post. This post, to be specific. In my stress-filled funk, I let something bother me that shouldn't have the ability to affect me and I found that after breathing a bit more and dealing with work loads the issue just wasn't worth even one more minute of my time. The past only has the ability to bother you if you allow it and while I often find myself allowing it, I just chose not to be bothered with it right now. I'm going to just overlook it and move forward, not backwards. It may be the same battle again another day, but for today at least - I won.

I think that I am seriously going to rethink how we celebrate this holiday for future years. Running around like lunatics, chasing gifts we have no real confidence in, stressed, exhausted, broke and grouchy just is not what I want to feel at this time of year...and it's not fair to SG.

We need to set some boundaries. It doesn't help that we have 6 houses expecting us on Christmas Day. If we had our OWN house, we could host a holiday party...and hopefully by next year, that will be the case.

I think it's time to make it fun again. I have some ideas. I really want to bring the fun, warm feelings back to this time of year.

Speaking of years, the countdown is on. 9 days to go until 2004 is GONE! And not a damned moment too soon.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Please take a minute to remember the US troops over the holiday season who are separated from their families and facing extreme danger each day. If you know a family with a loved one in active duty, please consider a small gift to brighten their holiday, even a card to let them know that they are in your thoughts. Many children will be missing a parent or close family member on Christmas and news like this will only cause more worry.

Okay...this is groundbreaking news. A group inspired by French militant farmer Jose Bove armed themselves with a high-pressure hose and a bucket of octopi (plural of octopus, naturally) and pelted a McDonald's restaurant.

The air is chilled ever so slightly (hey, it IS Florida), the trunk is loaded with purchased gifts, the tree is lit, the ornaments hung...

So, why am I lacking the season's spirit? I want to feel the rush of the holiday - but I'm so busy with worries and stresses and last minute shopping and frankly, I just don't feel like it. I really hope my attitude can improve in the next day or so. I think it's because I put everything off and I have some financial worries.

Whatever.

Happy first day of winter, by the way...

I'm focusing pretty eagerly on New Year's. As I've said before, I need to put 2004 in the past and make a new start. I'm much more excited about that date, even over Christmas. I want to make sure the new year is much improved and that next Christmas finds me in a better place.

I am very fond of traditions, especially self-made traditions. For us, it's funnel cakes for breakfast on Thanksgiving, for example, or filling a wooden shoe with treats on December 6th for Sinterklaus Day.

But I am wondering what your favorite holiday traditions are. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Do you have some silly or sentimental tradition in your family?

Monday, December 20, 2004

Bah Humbug...

And all that jazz.

The weekend was a brightly colored blur filled with glimpses of lights, parades, shopping and decorating. I barely recall it. A co-worker asked if I had a nice weekend was this morning (they're always waiting to hear what freakish thing occured on my weekend) and I actually had to pause and think about whether or not it was a nice weekend.

As it turns out...it was. What a relief.

Friday night we went shopping straight from work. We shopped until midnight and crawled home to collapse. Saturday, we shopped some more for the day and then joined our friends to watch the annual Winterfest boat parade go down the intercoastal waterway. It's so beautiful and such a lovely tradition in these tropical parts. After, we drove past a pretty house lit for the season and finally crawled home to again collapse in bed. Sunday, I dragged my computer to M's house so she could "fix" it. I had received an early gift of The Sims 2 and it was just not working right. After 2 hours, my genius of a best friend had it singing and I returned home to grab my family, drop SG off at her friends and EH and I AGAIN went shopping. We're not overshopping, we just have no clue what to buy. Finally we returned home and collapsed for a 3rd night in a row.

And guess what...tonight...MORE FUCKING SHOPPING. I can't help it. I was so unprepared this year :(

Christmas means chaos.

Over the weekend, EH was so lovey. Yesterday he was very hands-on affectionate and I was over the moon for him. And yes, we did make the attempts for sex a few times...each time, I freaked out again and we had to stop. Damn. EH did do a few very special, very sexy favors for me though and all I can say is Ha-chachacha!!! Whew....

Last night, either in an effort to appease me or from genuine interest, EH and I started fooling around in the shower. The abrupt end to the hot water sent us to the bedroom where we began to make love. It was beautiful and lovely...

Until, of course, I had to ruin it.

He was over me, inside me, when it happened. He went rigid and froze while looking down at me. It seemed his face froze as well. I panicked. I shrieked and started yelling, "What's wrong? What's wrong?!" I was shaking from head to toe, my heart thudding in my chest and my mind screaming "No!!!"

Well, after about 10 seconds, EH collapsed and started laughing.

As it turns out, he had just reached the "magic moment". It was nice until I began screaming at him. Poor EH.

Anyway, there may be hope. Both of us obviously have some recovering to do. Clearly I'm still a nervous wreck over it too.

So, dear reader, I am analyzing things in my head and trying to rationalize life. I ask you - for your opinion - what is love/marriage/sex and how do they all relate?

If my husband's sex drive has been entirely compromised, does it mean he is not attracted to me? In one sense, this would be true, but you have to add that it's a result of medication causing this problem. Doesn't help me much though. I just feel completely unwanted and sad.

Can you have a marriage or be in love without sex? Every blog I read that seems to reference sex troubles in the marriage includes torrid affairs. Am I supposed to become one of those people who seek it outside the marriage? EH would never understand that and I would never even want to think about a man besides EH. I've broken a dozen hearts to get to EH and to this day he is the only man I want to make love to. When I entertain a sexual fantasy...it's always EH. Other men just don't excite me. No one knows my body like EH...no one knows what I like and don't like and what buttons to push like EH.

What will come of all of this? I'm walking around in a blue funk feeling rejected and unwanted because EH has no interest in me anymore. I feel like a toy that was played with enthusiastically and then stuffed in the dark corners at the back of a closet and left forgotten. I keep trying to convince myself that this is the medication causing this, but it's not solving the problem. And it's still hurting.

If I truly am faced with a marriage where sex is not a welcomed part of our life, what then? Can I handle that - me of the abnormally high sex drive? Can I remain faithful or will I melt like butter at the first time some scruffy stranger accidentally bumps my ass in the elevator after months of not being touched?

Really...I need to know. What does my future hold? I love EH. I do not want anyone BUT EH. I want to be a good wife to him. I want my marriage back. If it's really going to remain in this state for eternity - can I handle it? Or will I stay in depressed mode. Can I be happy if I feel rejected and unwanted?

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

You've Lost That Loving Feeling

Depression has set in.

I've been combing the web for information on the effects of EH's medication and sex drive side affects...and it's looking very, very bad.

Not only is this medication the #1 prescription associated with loss of sex drive - but he can not stop taking it. And all possible alternatives contain the same basic chemical ingredients and will not solve the problem.

Shit...

EH seems to want to make love for the sake of making love - but it's just plainly obvious that his heart is not in it. And I end up feeling unwanted.

My sex life is over at 31? Are you fucking kidding me? Ah...the fates do love to toy with me.

I know there is much to be grateful for. EH is kind to me, a good father...and I love him very much. And I am very attracted to him. And, I'm supposed to give up sex with him.

Here's a nutty, vaguely interesting Proverb Generator for you to play with. Don't expect miracles.

Speaking of sparing the sex...(we were speaking about that, weren't we?)...I am once again falling, falling, falling into pout mode. Yep...no sex. The medication is still affecting EH too much and frankly, I'm just frustrated.

I can't help feeling down and neglected.
I know it's not his fault. But...still...

I'm sad about it.

I mean, give me a break - I'm a sex addict, what did you expect? I want to be understanding and supportive, I really do. But, let's face it, I'm not. I'm grumpy. I feel deprived. And he's not exactly being his usual charming self lately. In fact, he's kind of getting on my nerves at the moment. I don't know if it's the sex-deprived bitch talking or if he truly is being irritating, but it's just not good.

When I bought my first new car this past May, I had to be restrained in the showroom by friends. I kept charging the door and begging to leave, insisting that my credit wasn't good enough, my license was suspended, my hair was all wrong...

They forced me to stay. I got the car. Of course, it was repossessed BY MISTAKE one month later, but I got it back the same day.

Nonetheless, not easy.

EH, SG and I went to look at the house last night. There are signs all over the place. The house is priced just for us. It's located in a bizarre proximity to EH's parents...if you stood in their front yard, the neighbor directly across the street would be our "backyard neighbor". And, finally, there is another sign that has me biting my lip and scratching my head, albeit not simultaneously because that would just be weird.

Many years ago, we lived in a tiny rural house (rented). There was this odd weed that grew on the side of it...all green leaves and little purple flowers that have the strongest smell...like perfume. EH always called them "Whorehouse flowers" because of the perfumy smell, but I loved them. I always swore they would grow at my house when we owned one.

We never knew the name of the flower. Never found it in a shop, or online. And, in 8 years, we have only found it two times. Once in front of the Wildlife Care Center and last night. Growing in front of the front entrance.

The house needs massive work. It's a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house. It appears to have ripped linoleum throughout. There is no dining room. The enormous backyard is a mess of ripped up sod and exposed sprinkler piping. The refrigerator has been cut into a wall. I have horrible credit, no money, need a stated income loan and can't verify assets. Have you guessed that I process mortgages for a living? Big coincidence, eh? Even I know what a "Hail Mary" this loan will be.

What to do. What to do. I want it...but I'm afraid. (And I'm pissed off that I am afraid!) I'm intimidated by the amount of work it needs. I'm afraid we won't qualify. I'm afraid we won't get it.

Damn.

Update: Damn, damn, damn. I just called and found out that there are 14 offers on the house right now. So much for that. Now I'm grumpy...

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays...

...unless, of course, you rent from a bitter, ancient, very ill old woman who is literally facing certain death soon and you can't get anything fixed in your "home" and are scrubbing mold off a wall due to a slow leak in your water heater.

But then...

I wonder if fate is thinking of throwing me just a little bone? I just checked and lo and behold, a home just went on sale in the exact neighborhood we want to buy in for about $100,000 less than we expected it to sell for.

Now this I could afford!

EH doesn't even know yet...he should be here any moment and I am going to take him to see it - at least from the outside. To at least see if it's what we're looking for.

In our neck of the woods, housing prices have skyrocketed. I should know. I'm in the business. There is a part of town we affectionately call "Crack Town" and you would never drive through it after dark unless you were armed...the $60k and $70k crack dens in that area have just started selling for $300k and up because they are going to clean up the area someday soon. $300k for a house that probably has bullet holes in the wall and 7 broken cars in the yard and a leaking roof. So, finding your first home is just a bit of a challenge.

We want a quiet, safe neighborhood where SG can play outside. But we also want a home that needs a little TLC. We watch way too much Monster House. Last night, EH was trying to sell me on the idea of a giant movie reel coffee table that would spin around slowly...

We both want a home so very badly. Our lease ends next month and we don't know if our landlady will even live that long.

Do you believe in magic? I do. I wouldn't want to live in a world without magic.

I'm talking about a variety of magics. From the miracles of nature to feminine intuition to fairies and Santa Clause...I buy into it all.

Last night was the Geminids meteor shower and EH, SG and I drove out into the night quite late to find a dark spot to watch. We selected the perfect location and lay on the pavement to watch the stars whizzing over our heads, making wishes on every one of them.

SG had to have me tell her the mythological stories of the constellations for the billionth time. We spoke of magic and nature and life.

We chose stars to give to each other. Easy ones to find in the sky. And swore to love each other for as long as that star burned in the night. For a short time, we were embraced in a magical moment.

SG has already tentatively questioned the Santa Clause issue. This is not a problem for me since I wholeheartedly believe in Santa. I just see him as a metaphor, a spirit that inspires us and who is portrayed as a jolly fat man rather than a true person. If EH gets me the little star earrings I shrieked over, they're still from Santa in my heart! Just from Santa, care of EH!

I also believe in fairies, mainly because it's fun. One night, about a year ago, I sprinkled shimmering glitter across SG's window sill in the middle of the night and left a teeny-tiny sterling silver fairy wand beside it. She was beside herself the next morning with excitement. We paint birdhouses and transform them into fairy houses where any traveling fairies are welcome to stay. Sometimes, late at night, I sneak into her room and dab a tiny pale pink glittery spot on her forehead - we call them fairy kisses. SG likes to imagine some fairy has kissed her goodnight and wished her sweet dreams.

So, yes. In my family - we believe in magic.

SG was a little tired this morning, as she always is after we star gaze a meteor shower...but in 20 years, she will remember with ease and delight the night we spent cuddled together in the cool air, telling stories in hushed voices and wishing on stars. A childhood memory much, much more valuable than a few yawns during the next day.

Britney never fails to make me smack my head and go "ugh!", and this is no exception. The only thing that could make her more annoying is if she had one of those tiny, hairless, rats on a leash that she carried like an accessory. And of course fed it $180 steaks...or the smell of her feet.

If it's the thought that counts, don't bother buying for Posh and Beck who are far too important to unwrap their own gifts.

47 degrees this morning, to be precise! A rare wintery treat for us sun-baked Floridians.

I love cold weather. I live for it all year long. It energizes me, refreshes me. I love to snuggle up under a big blanket to sleep. I love cuddling with EH's warm body. I love hot cocoa and hot buttered apple cider and chili. I love big jackets and seeing my breath in the air.

I've just finished reading The DaVinci Code. I finished it in just under 24 hours flat. It was awesome. I highly recommend it. It confirms so many things I was taught growing up and explains a few things I wondered about. It offers some mind-blowing theories that I would love to look into further.

I've had a bit of an epiphany regarding people. People are like little jigsaw puzzles, all made up of tiny pieces shaped and formed from experiences. To know a person, you must understand some of these pieces of them. It might be easy to dislike someone who seems unfriendly, but I've found that sometimes what appears as "aloof" is really insecure, sad, shy or even just quiet natures. Clearly not all experiences in life are good ones and you may run into a person who either has had extensive lousy experiences or who needs to have a few to better understand life.

There is a person who has been an adversary to me. Someone who hurt me once by default and then took great joy in inflicting any additional pain or aggravation possible. For months, I foolishly allowed it to irritate me. Last night, I realized this was no longer the case. I had not grown numb or dull from it, I had simply found myself feeling nothing more than disdain and pity for so pathetic a creature. In this way, an experience has shaped me to feel an ounce of compassion in much the same way Frodo looked upon Gollum. So, with the dust settled, do I still hurt or hate? No. I feel as if I have learned something and experienced a valuable time. I remember the hurt and I may feel an occasional pang or twinge - but in the end, it bettered my life and caused me to grow. For that, I can not hold a grudge.

That "epiphany" got me to thinking about how we treat others - even strangers. Nowadays, you have a better chance at encountering a rude person than not. We treat people like crap, frankly. And I don't want to be that person.

I am making a promise to myself that each day, I will show some kindness for others - strangers and those I know alike. I will do random acts of kindness. I will smile and greet strangers cheerfully. I won't lose my cool when I get cut off or trespassed on, but rather I will let it roll off my back as an insignificant thing.

I will try to grow another step. I will try to leave a positive mark on this world. I will try to leave things - people and places alike - just a little bit better than I found them, whether it's picking up litter I pass, doing something kind for someone, etc.

What kind of mark are you leaving? Are people (strangers included) better in any way for having crossed your path?

I stayed up half the night worrying again. Wondering if EH's breathing sounded different (it did, I swear) and if he was acting strangely (he is, I swear).

Argh.

I'm going to go crazy.

EH is behaving differently. He's quiet. Low-key. Calm. Serious. Even toned. Not playful or witty or fun. He's clearly sedated from the new meds. He's very nice, but he feels like a stranger to me. And I'm really missing my hubby right now. We haven't laughed together in a week. That's pretty rare. We're normally always laughing.

I hate this.

I feel like EH went away on a trip and left some look-a-like behind who just isn't my EH.

For the first time, in a long time, I'm not looking forward to the weekend. I don't even care that it's Friday...and you know how I love Fridays.

I wonder how long until he adjusts to the medication. Days? It's been a week. Weeks? Months? Ever? Then I worry that the seizure affected his brain like a stroke might. Altered him.

I'm pouting. I know. I'm such a fucking brat. I should be totally focused on EH and his recovery - but, the truth is, I am a brat. I have no patience, I say exactly what I think - even when it's wrong, and I'm never as thoughtful as I wish I was.

I'm not even worrying about the sex anymore. And you know that I would normally be having a temper tantrum by now - it has been a week as of tomorrow, you know. But the thing is...I want sex with my EH. I don't want to be afraid of him having another seizure during sex. I don't want to have sex with a quiet lookalike. I want my EH back.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And not in a good way. Now I'm all cranky. Like I could drop kick a kitten. Damn. And I like kittens.

*sigh*

Oh yeah...and we just made our weekend plans. We're going to see an outdoor holiday movie with - guess who??? M and Grabby Man. Eeeeeeeesh. That should be...tense.

OK, ok--your kids are slobs, we get it. Now let's think this over a sec...you want to go on strike, and get them to clean upmore around the house, so YOU move out to the front lawn????
Try looking at this from another perspective, say, your kid's.

WE are a pair of lazy dolts and Mom & Dad are fed up, so they just turned the entire place over while they move into a tent in the front yard. WE WON!!!! I'm moving into their room ASAP!

So much is wrong with this story, so much. For openers they didn't sling the deadbeat truants out to live next to the garden gnome. And the mother has no idea what to do next, yet she is a stay-at-home parent. Grow a spine and stop the maid service for starters. The part that chaps my hinder in this whole sordid mess? A few more days of media coverage is all that is needed to shore up that movie deal for them. Sigh

My spirits are slightly lifted. EH - poor guy - has been trying so hard to not worry me about the medication problems. He's been loving and concerned and gentle and kind. I really am very spoiled. No, there's still no sex, but truth be told, I am JUST as afraid to do it right now as he is unable. I still see his face, over me, the moment the seizure hit. One moment all sexy and suave and the next moment twisted into anguished pain while screaming. We'll both need some time, I guess. I'm still not happy about it and I'm still afraid, but I still have the best husband in the world.

I also have the best friend in the world. M and I work together and she negotiated a deal that will send some extra $$$ my way before Christmas. She completely spoils me too.

And, Grabby Man called me this morning to ask me to look something up on Yahoo Maps for him while he drove. This might sound weird, but you have to understand he was once my boss not so long ago and it's completely natural for him to do something like that. He also mentioned a deal that might mean I could go back to working at home (the way I did for 4 years - and LOVED) for about 3x what I earn now. I'd have to work it through him, but it could be the start of something huge. Like my own business again...

What...? I never mentioned I used to be Madame President of my own company? Well, I was. I insisted on the title "Madame" President and declared company uniform to include a tiara and a feather boa. I had a great deal of fun writing up company policies for my one-woman operation. Some of my policies included: "Always wear something pink on Mondays" and "Fridays hours are from 9 am til whenever the hell I feel like it". I kid, but the truth is, I worked my ass off usually 18 hours a day. In the end, a better deal came a long and I took it.

For the sexually deprived husbands of the world, there are 2 lessons to be learned from this story. 1) Men go for much longer without sex than you sometimes and 2) The authorities refuse to do anything about it.

Alright. I've followed the virtual model trend that's overtaking the blogs. You can get your own at www.myvirtualmodel.com.

This is as close as I could get it. They're similar and from a distance could pass for us. Bear in mind that Even Husband is 6'6 and I'm 5'6. My hair is actually a little longer and the face isn't quite a match. Even's taller and a little more mature looking than this picture shows.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I'm so afraid of EH driving to and from work. Afraid of him being alone anywhere. I'm contemplating whether or not he should keep his kayak because I am terrified of him being near water.

I am afraid of him working where he cuts metal very, very sharp.

I am afraid of how tired he is. I know he's adjusting to the new medication, but he's so quiet and exhausted and snappish with me.

And I'm afraid of his medication.

After his "goodnight bombshell" last night, I went online and did some research this morning. Tegretol, the drug he's on now, is the #1 medication linked to sexual dysfunction - including total end of sexual desire and impotence. He can not supplement it with anything like viagra because it reacts with the Tegretol and can be deadly.

My head is such a mess right now. It feels like I am losing my husband all over again. I'm worried about anything happening to him and I'm worried about him being this quiet, cranky, sexually-dysfunctional man for the rest of our life.

...and just when things were going so well. For the first time in 10 years, our sex life was something to be proud of. And now...?

Well, now I'm feeling very afraid of what the future will hold. It's ironic, because if I even think of sex with him, I see his face at the moment the seizure hit and hear his screams.

I also read that powerful orgasms trigger seizures. What the fuck??? So, he doesn't want to and may not be able to have sex anyway, but in the event that he does - I should try to make it as dull as possible? The websites go on and on about how people with epilepsy need to find loving and supportive partners. And I'll be that all the way - but here, just here, where it feels like a diary - I'm going to get my darkest worries out. Am I selfish? I feel like I'm being a total bitch about the whole thing by worrying so much. But you have to understand - it took 10 years for us to find this little place of real happiness and I feel like it's being threatened again.

And it's not like I can discuss it, right? Because I can't talk to my friends about it without seeming more worried about sex than EH - which is not the case. I'm worried about both! And I can't talk to EH because I don't want to worry about it. And I can't talk to my family because they're all fucking insane.

But I can talk to you, right?

The Fates love to give me a cosmic ass-kicking now and then.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I am going to find the best way of dealing with all of this and do everything in my power to support and love EH. I'm going to be positive and upbeat and hopeful and confident. All while living like a celibate nun.

I am awake now. Long past the time that I should be sleeping safely in EH’s arms. New worries on my mind.

Tonight, as we readied for bed, EH passed me in the bathroom and announced he was going to shower – but did not invite me to join him. Shortly after, he joined me in bed and wrapped his arms around me and asked when I thought I might feel up to making love again. I admitted I was afraid after what happened. He told me his own libido was entirely gone and a cold chill went up my spine. He thinks it may be some effect of the medication he is now taking for the seizures.

I’m sitting here, awake and alone, late at night – wondering if this will pass soon or if we are entering a new challenge in our marriage to grapple with. Another heartache in a year that has been so full of the greatest tests of our love ever. It is truly a miracle we are still together and I worry so much about yet another hurdle to face.

And just a day ago I literally forcefully fended off a man I know who tried so desperately to grab me roughly and seduce me with everything he had. Unexpected and unwelcomed, but ironic now. I was clutched, I was grabbed, I was held in place, I had to say no more than 3 dozen times and to turn my face over and over again to prevent him from kissing me. It took all of my physical strength, and not a drop of emotional strength, to resist him because I can only be with EH in that way. Flattered, sure. But no man is going to touch me in the ways I am saving only for EH. I have learned far too much about betrayals and the long consequences of them to question my faithfulness now. I easily parted ways with this man a loving and honest wife who held no shame or blame. I was successful, albeit it was unnerving, in not being taken advantage of in any way. The only touches this man won from me were the shoves, pushes and struggle I put up.

Will it be only other men who seek to make love to me with any level of desire now? EH said if the medication was a problem, he would add another pill, presumably something like viagra – but that seems so forced and manufactured compared to the sweet, impromptu moments we have shared ourselves. Those passionate clinches when we needed to feel each other. Are those going to be a thing of the past?

I am very, very worried. How much time passes before the worry grows to either genuine fear or to bitterness over yet another awful marital issue to try to conquer.

And, do we even have that much strength left? Already we have battled monstrous financial disasters, an affair, the loss of a baby, the near demise of our marriage and many months early this year of living like strangers. It really is a wonder I have tears left in me and haven’t dried up entirely like a withered and neglected plant.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

That day off that wasn't

Even a day off just isn’t a day off.

I was an hour into my morning after dropping EH at work, half a cart deep into a craft shop and projects I very likely could never finish in time for Christmas when the call came in. My little sister. I abandoned my cart and headed home to meet her right away. Duty calls.

My 19 year old sister (Brat) is a bit of a train wreck at the moment. Living with her 34 year old boyfriend of 3 years (don’t ask) and working at a ridiculous job that I don’t approve of (selling stupid coupons door to door and on the streets) and fooling around with her “manager” – a slick, fast talking little weasel of a punk. She bottomed out emotionally today with no money and getting no sympathy from either of her two men and called to sob to me.

I loaned her $30 to put gas in her car and fix her flat tire and took her along with me to see Bridget Jones Diary 2: The Edge of Reason. It was super cute, if you really like the characters, but not nearly as great as the first one was. Probably not the best flick to take a girl who is unhappy and torn between two lovers either, since little sis looked like she was on the verge of tears a few dozen times.

Before the movie, we stopped for lunch at Max’s Grille, an upscale restaurant. We sat on the patio alongside the New River to enjoy the beautiful day. As we ate, a tiny finch landed near Brat’s chair. It was so charming that I tore off a piece of bread from a roll and tossed it to him. When he didn’t react, I tossed a slightly larger piece.

Big mistake.

7,000 pigeons descended on us and the other 30 patrons on the patio. One actually slammed into the back of a man’s head sitting a few feet away with a loud *thwack*. I was not the most popular person on the patio, let me tell you. And those pigeons were fucking fearless. They were actually landing on tables. People were good sports, for the most part, but more than one dirty look was shot our way. Brat hid her face and I kept pretending I didn’t do anything. One more place I’m not welcome back at.

Having spent the entire day counseling the girl drained me and by the time she was out of my hair, it was time to pick up SG from after care and make my way out to pick up EH.

We decorated the tree tonight – at least half of it. I also attempted to construct a gingerbread house from a kit with pre-baked pieces to assemble. Not nearly as easy as it looks. My gingerbread house is going to be condemned at any moment. The ginger-people have already fled for safety. Kind of hard to blame them. The roof is bound to leak and the walls lean at funny angles.

EH is still pretty quiet. I think he’s still really tired. The new medication might be subduing him too. I’ve been just as tired – sympathy fatigue? We both keep asking the other “what’s wrong” and “you okay?”. Things are just a little off, you know what I mean?

Monday, December 06, 2004

60 Hours

60 hours. As I write this it has been 60 hours since EH’s grand mal seizure. He went back to work today in true EH fashion, but he’s just not himself. He’s quieter and has less energy. His muscles hurt him, but he doesn’t complain a bit. And he keeps fretting over the worried look on my face.

In 60 hours, I have been relentless. If he takes a deep breath, I am staring with rapt attention to be sure he’s okay. Last night I was in a cold sweat because he was still not asleep by midnight and the idea of him being tired enough to have another seizure had me in a panic. Tonight, I postponed decorating the Christmas tree for another night because he still seemed quiet and I’m worried that it will tire him out.

For 60 hours I have driven EH crazy. Hell, I have driven myself crazy. The images keep flashing in my mind. The contorted look of agony and pain on his face. His scream. The violent convulsions with the terrible sounds coming from him. The blood on his face. The color of his face when he stopped breathing. The moment I thought he was dead. It’s just all there in my head over and over again.

And I am making him crazy. I guess it will take a little more time for me to get over it.