ASK AMY: Advice for the real world

Pornography driving a wedge between them

Dear Amy: My husband of 36 years is obsessed with pornography, which he watches on TV.

He has been building this obsession for about five years, unbeknownst to me (we had not been intimate during this time).

I discovered this issue in a very unfortunate way, became infuriated and left our bed.

I thought that I was the problem, so I initiated intimacy with him, and we became a couple again, but he still watches porn and "performs," thinking that I am not aware of him doing so.

I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with this.

Our lovemaking is one-sided and only occurs when I initiate it, or when he has been drinking.

He refuses to stop viewing porn, and he thinks there is nothing wrong with what he is doing.

I feel he is cheating on me.

I am an attractive, middle-age woman.

How should I deal with this?

-- Worried

Dear Worried: Of course your husband is going to deny that his porn obsession is wrong. If he accepts that he has a problem, then he'll have to do something about it, and we all know that pornography is much less work than self-awareness.

But really -- pornography is wasting your husband's time and energy. He is violating some of the promises he made to you when you got married all of those years ago.

You don't help matters by silently witnessing your husband's "performances" without raising this issue with him.

Please try to get your husband to sit down with a marriage counselor to talk about this.

He might be facing some libido issues brought on by depression, age or alcohol use. He is taking the easy way out, but he deserves a chance to get his life in order, and you deserve the opportunity to be there when he does. If he won't go, go on your own.

In the meantime, you might want to contact your cable company to review your channel options. Your husband could probably use a little more "TLC" and a lot less Playboy.

Dear Amy: I am the mother of two daughters who are in their upper elementary years.

They seem bothered that they have not been asked out, while other boys and girls are dating.

It seems ridiculous that children so young should be boyfriend/girlfriend.

What should I do?

-- Mom In The Middle

Dear Mom: It's pretty common at the 5th- and 6th-grade level for girls and boys to become interested in "going out." I still remember this phenomenon from my elementary years. In fact, I can recall at least five "couples" from my 6th- grade class. Unless they are unusually sexually precocious, girls and boys at this age form fairly harmless alliances.

All of this is practice for the real thing, which is much scarier for parents, but still a few years off for most kids.

Rather than brand this "practice dating" ridiculous, you should ask your girls what they would do if someone asked them out. What does that mean to them? Are there really "dating" couples at school? If they liked a boy, would they ask him out?

Once you listen to what they have to say, you can tell your girls that kids develop at different rates. Some of the most interesting kids are waiting until they are older and more ready for dating, and that's a good thing, because there is plenty of time for that.

For now, make sure that your girls have plenty of interests and opportunities outside of dating. Sometimes, girls sort of lose themselves once boys enter the scene, and that's a shame. You want for them to develop a very strong sense of themselves so that they can make their own smart choices when the time comes.

Many of my friends go down to Georgetown, where there are a lot of shops and cafes. We go there to shop and to eat lunch, and not to hang out and cause destruction.

I can't believe the woman who wrote in saying that "malls aren't baby-sitters" for teenagers. Guess what -- 14-year-olds don't need to be baby-sat!

My parents and I feel that going to malls with my friends is perfectly safe. No matter where you go, there are strangers, so why is it any more dangerous in a mall?

-- Annoyed in D.C.

Dear Annoyed: My first job after college was working in the very same mall where you and your buds hang out. As I have said in this space, there is nothing inherently wrong with kids going to malls. Your job is to behave well and to be good citizens -- no matter where you're hanging.