Saturday, January 31, 2009

So tomorrow I am running a 4 mile road race in Central Park, and today I attended a Weeds marathon/birthday party at my friend Ellen's. Since I want to do well in the race--and by doing well I mean finishing--I elected to only drink 2 small plastic cups of wine. Go Liz!

I did, however, dabble in eating free food at the party. I ate a piece of Weight Watchers chocolate cake, guac and chips, and veggies and dip. And pepperoni.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Today when I got home from work I got my new People magazine in the mail, and there were a couple family photos of the Jolie-Pitt clan. Wow, are they a beautiful family. The jury's still out on lil Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon, but I imagine they'll head in the direction of the adorbs Shiloh, who, I am not going to lie, I had initially secretly hoped would turn out ugly. Yes, I am mature.

But seeing all these pics of the fam reminded me how little we know/hear/see Pax. Brad and Angie adopted him from Vietnam 10 months after the birth of Shi, and soon after Brad knocked her up with twins. Poor Pax, sandwiched between what potentially could be the three best-looking people created on planet Earth.

So I am dedicating this entry to Pax. I am sure he and the rest of the fam will be proud.

Now, despite his small role in the Jolie-Pitt clan, I imagine he eats lots of free food all the time wherever he goes. I myself do not have that option, but I am grateful for what I have. Last night my book club met in Park Slope. We read "Norwegian Wood" by Haruki Marakami (wonderful). I ate several of those spanakopita hors d'oeuvre type things, nuts, and a delicious vegetarian chili (hey, I was in Brooklyn, what do you expect? Meat??? Never!). I also ate my firt cupcake in months. It was divine.

Then today at work I ate some chocolate from Johnny K's stash. Also divine!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

President Barack Obama is one cool dude in many ways. So he's the first black President, he's written two books, he went to the same high school in Hawaii as my friend Tori, blah blah blah. While all that stuff IS impressive, it's not why he has a place in my heart. No, I love the Prez for reasons more mundane. I kind of dig that he smokes ciggies. Yes, it's bad for you, yes, it can get you cancer, but can you imagine sharing a butt with him? We could sneak out on the balcony like high school students. SO FUN. I also am impressed by Obama because his face graces my favorite food of all time, cupcakes! See, after 6pm everything is half off at Eleni's in Chelsea Market, so I bought 4 Barack cupcakes today. BUT, I was only charged for 2! Woohoo! Free cupcakes! I'm actually bringing them to my book club tomorrow night, so not sure which way they count. To be on the safe side, I ate several mini-York Peppermint patties from Johnny K's Batman head (that's what I say at the end of my brilliant video). Now I need to return to my tv to watch Intervention. I think someone just said "Don't touch my teeth." Wow.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Look how clever I am getting with my titles. Wow! Now that I am a regular old demon with my camera phone, I will be delivering you live in action clips of my hunt! Aren't you excited? I thought so. Today's score was a slice of pizza and a plate of salad leftover from a meeting. Yippee! I also ate a Smart Ones, not free! And I lost 1.4 lbs this week! Yeah!

Monday, January 26, 2009

I'm sure you've all wanted to see how I get my free food so you too can go on the hunt! So today my friend Casey showed me how to make videos using my camera phone and now you can see my fountain of free food, Johnny K's Batman head, from which I grabbed a mini-Snickers and a Hershey's Special Dark. Enjoy! Liz

Friday, January 23, 2009

Because I am cool, I am staying in on Friday night and catching up on my shows. Tonight it's the Tool Academy which might actually be the most painful show in the world to watch. It's about a bunch of douchebags whose girlsfriends want them to change. Riiiiiight. Just dump them. But that would make too much sense. Now, I beat myself up for having a big ass, but these girls make me look like Little Miss Confident. These guys have admitted to cheating on national tv, but their girlfriends want them back. I do NOT get it.

You know, girlfriends, dump their asses and come to my apartment. I will cook you food, I won't criticize you for gaining weight, we'll go barhopping. I'll even grab some candy from Johnny K's Batman head for you. For example, if you came over tonight, you'd be able to share the M and M's and a mini-Hershey Special Dark that I grabbed before I left the office.

So now I must return to this crap show. Seriously, I might have to give it up. These tools make the chicks from Bad Girls Club look like saints.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

So yesterday after work I got a haircut. So this morning, naturally, I did not shower so that my hair would faaaaabulous for work, which it did. Very sleek and straight. Everyone at work complimented me, including 2 straight men. I didn't know they noticed these things. I also dressed up and wore contacts, and one of my coworkers exclaimed: "What happened to you? You look great!" I've attached a picture, and you can tell I'm not an egomaniac because it's a horrible picture. I'm much cuter in person. But whatevs, my hair will never look that straight again, at least not till the next time I get it cut!

After work I went running, because I am on a mission to lose 30 lbs by November for my sister's wedding. Woohoo! So I didn't feel guilty when I grabbed 3 pieces of candy from Johnny K's Batman head before I left the office: 2 mini-Hershey bars (1 milk and 1 dark chocolate) and a York Peppermint Patty. Yum!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I'm much too tired to write anything profound. That's what watching "Confessions of a Teen Idol" will do to you! I'll tell you, however, that I ate a delicious Tootsie Pop and a dark-chocolate Hershey's mini. Now I need to sleep.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Wow, what an AMAZING day it was! Whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, black or white, old or young, it was a moment of pride for Americans and the world. I am really excited about Barack Obama's presidency, and I salute him.

Watching all these inaugural balls on Fox News reminds me how much fun celebrating is. Parties are great because they almost always involve free food! And even though I am not going to any inaugural balls, I did eat like a Queen this weekend.It started Saturday when I met my dear old friend of 25 years, Jackie Garber, out for dinner. Jackie and her husband John were in town from Boston, and I met them out for dinner at Dos Caminos on Park Ave with another couple. Dos Caminos is a really fun fancy Mexican restaurant, home to $12 margaritas and many "Girls Night" crowds. I'm telling you, I've never seen so many tables of all women in their early 30s on a Saturday night in my life! Please don't let that ever be me!

So it was really great catching up with Jackie. We grew up in the same neighborhood and spent time together at Franklin School, home of the Dragons. While talking to her was nice, it was even more fun because of all the food we ate: guac, flautas, and ceviche for apps; a chicken and cheese quesadilla, and of course lots of booze! We shared a pitcher of sangria and then I drank 2 margaritas. I had saved all my flex points for this meal! And I think I used more than my 35, but hell, I ran 5 miles that morning. When the check came, John quickly took it, which was so super cool of him. Thanks Jackie and John for an awesome meal!

On Sunday I went to my friend Josh's last comedy show before he left for Costa Rica, where he will be living for the next year. I SWORE I wasn't going to drink, but swearing means nothing when a friend buys you a shot, as Josh's girlfriend--and my dear friend--Megan did. I also sipped on a few Yuenglings, one of which was comped by the super cute bartender.

On Monday, I spent the night at my sister's apartment in Hoboken. We went to a kickboxing class which kicked my ass, and then my sister and I went food shopping for dinner. Katie paid for the food, and we had a healthy dinner of turkey burgers, sweet potatoes and broccoli. For dessert, we ate Skinny Cow ice cream cones.

Today, Tuesday, I returned to work after a 3-day weekend, which is never fun but it wasn't too bad today because HR set up a big tv where we could watch the Inauguration. Plus they fed us pizza! I ate one slice of mushroom at lunchtime, then ate another slice of pepperoni at around 5. I went to my Weight Watchers meeting after work and lost 1 lb. Woohoo!

Friday, January 16, 2009

After a long week of work, there is nothing I like more than to go home, sit on my ass, and get caught up on my shows. Wow, that sounds like a fun Friday night, doesn't it. Last night I went all classy and watched The Office and 30 Rock, tonight it's back to my regular programming like The Real Housewives of Orance County and Bad Girls Club. I may also finish a book!

I got rid of all the sweets in my apartment (by eating them) and I'm craving sugar. Luckily, I ate enough free York Peppermint Patties and mini-Reese's Peanut Butter Cups at work to get me through the evening. I think. If I had been smart, I would have taken some home!!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Today was such a deviation from my usual behavior. It started in the morning when there were leftover bagels from a meeting. I ate half, used my own Weight Watchers cream cheese (1 point per 2 tablespoons!), and THEN threw AWAY the other half. And it was WHOLE WHEAT.

Later on that day my department had a pizza party. I ate ONE slice of pepperoni pizza and some salad. I then went to the dentist to fill a cavity. Eek!

I only ate one (or two) Hershey Kisses from Johnny K's Batman head.

At 5:30, I ate a leftover slice of pizza that I had hidden away.

I left work at 7pm and went to the gym.

When I got home, I did NOT watch The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Okay, okay. I know this blog is supposed to be how I eat free food every day, and I assure you that this is still my mission, all 3.4lbs less of me! BUT, my other favorite thing besides food is television and I have to vent about all my shows, since I live alone and there is only so much screaming one can do at the set.

So tonight I'm watching Tool Academy on VH1. Wow, doesn't it sound like an Emmy winner. A bunch of girls nominated their douchebag boyfriends to go through good boyfriend boot camp. Now, I applaud the effort at self-improvement, and these tools definitely need some sharpening, but wow are these girls total doormat/enablers. They make the moms on Intervention who buy their children heroin look like drill sergeants. Dump the assholes, women! It is PAINFUL to watch, but I'll keep up my masochistic ways at least for 3 more weeks. Plus the host looks like a cross between Tommy Lee Jones and Cash Warren (aka Mr. Jessica Alba) and it is scaring me.

With all this crappy (yet wonderful television), thank God for Johnny K's Batman head. Ate a Blow Pop and a few Hershey Kisses today.

Tomorrow we're having pizza. Hopefully I'll only eat one slice, but knowing me it will probably be two!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Well, I'll tell you this much, not in my mouth! I have not eaten one single of my beloved cupcakes since I returned to work on January 5! Not only that, but I've been eating fruit for dessert . . . well, except for the occasional stop at Johnny K's Batman head. Today I chowed down on a couple Andes Mints and a Dum Dum or two.

My point is, this new healthy lifestyle has netted me a 3.4lb weight loss this week which I found out at Weight Watchers. Yahoo! I think it's the fact that I'm turning, gulp, 30 in, gulp, 7 months, and I hate to be such a cliche but it's totally freaking me out so I am getting healthy, running like a demon, and hell, I may even start Internet dating soon! Hehe! I'd have so many free meals to write about!

Till then, I will write about which reality tv show I watched, alone, on any given night! Tonight I tuned into American Idol. I only watch AI during the audition stage, because it is boring when they're all good. Plus, it's really weird that I'm now officially too old to be on the show. Hell, I'd have a better shot at being an Olympian. I do adore Simon and the new judge is a Duke alum like me so she's okay in my book. Loved the blind guy today (thank GOD he made it through--can you imagine if Simon and Co ripped him apart? We might have another Paula Goodspeed on our hands, though someone else would have to drive him to Paula Abdul's house.). Also am smitten with 19-year-old Alex Wagner-Trugman (though not the hyphenated last name) and his geeky, dry sense of humor and mop top. He is EXACTLY the kind of boy I want to marry. Maybe he has an older brother? Cousin?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Now that the holidays are over, the corporate bigwigs are not putting out as much free food. Which in a way is a good thing because I've got a wedding to attend in 10 months, and I need to look hot for it!

It's a new year and I am really trying to eat better. That said, I still eat fun! Like yesterday after bullriding I ate 6 wings and nachos and lots of beer. I will never be one of those finicky girls who only eats salad and diet seltzer water. I will never be one of those girls who is so busy at work that she "forgets" to eat. Now, I can understand not having time to eat (in a way). Today, for example, I had a hectic morning, and then I had to leave at 1 pm for a doctor's appointment. I didn't eat lunch till amost 3. But mind you, I was not forgetting! I almost chewed off my own arm!

Luckily, my lovely boss had brought in Munchkins for our morning meeting. I only ate 1 chocolate and 1 honey glazed. The old Liz would have eaten 8 of each. I also ate a York peppermint paddy and Andes mint from Johnny K's head. And I even went to the gym after work!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Today I watched a Professional Bull Riding competition at Madison Square Garden with my friends Josh, Megan, Nikolai, and a bunch of other people. It was awesome and appropriately dub t (though there were plenty of black and Hispanic peeps in the crowd!) and it was not the least bit ironic, though part of me could just imagine the wonderful enclave of Williamsburg trying to pull it off. Oh God, can you imagine all the ironic boots and ironic 10-gallon hats and ironic mustaches? I gag just thinking about it.

Now, I'm a Northeast girl through and through. I use the word wicked as an adverb, I am neurotic, and I talk fast. But, I did spend four years in the South for college, and as a result I love fried pickles, guns, Republicans, and American flags. I'm Northern by birth, but Southern by soul. So naturally, I was salivating over those very manly cowboys.

Despite seeing the previews for Luke Perry's huge hit "8 Seconds," I really had no idea what to expect at a Professional Bull Riding event. And really, even afterwards, I have no idea how they determined the winner since a lot of the sexy men stayed on their bulls for 8 seconds. But, I'll tell you this, it's pretty brutal, the bulls go craaaaaazy because the cowboys pull rope around their balls, and I imagine that hurts quite a bit. So eventually the cowboy gets thrown off the bull, and he might even get mauled, but he just gets right back up and saunters over to the waiting area. Just another day of work! I bet they'd do really well on a mechanical bull. Maybe I'll take one out on a date to Johnny Utah's.

But that's the problem: I have NO idea where I can find a bull rider in New York City. Like I said, there are probably some hipsters dressed up as cowboys in Williamsburg or maybe even the Lower East Side, but I don't want a man skinnier than me and who probably doesn't even eat cows in the first place. I want an honest to goodness bull rider from Oklahoma, or Texas, or Georgia, hell I'll even take Brazil if he's patriotic, and I want him to say "yes, ma'am" and "I'll get the door for you, Liz" and "Don't you look pretty today" and he'll be shy and polite the first time we are, er, intimate (my dad reads this blog, or so he says!) but then he'll totally let his bull riding skills take over, and shoot, I have to stop writing.

So not only did the Professional Bull Riding event make me want a cowboy, I also ate some free food! Megan shared her peanuts and popcorn with me, and this nice person Kelly who I had never met before offered me some cotton candy. Yum!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I SORT of ate free food today. See, this morning I woke up at 5:45 because I needed to get to Central Park by 7:30 am to do a 5m road race for the New York Road Runners. I only pressed snooze once and was out of the house by 6:30! And it was cold!

I went by myself to the race and was shocked to see 3000 other kindred souls. Wow, there a lot of masochistic crackheads in New York City. I made a brand new friend named Jen on the way to pick up my t-shirt, and we ended up running the race together and became bffs. We both love Murakami! And think the Beats were misogynistic! And we love geeks! We went to grab coffee afterwards and agreed to run all upcoming races together. If only I could pick up men the way I pick up friends!

So, the questionable free food I ate was after the race. There were bagels and apples, but since I paid $25 to run the race, not sure if this counts towards my quota.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Okay, the 1980s seem to be following me. Last night it was all about Swayze, and tonight I watched "Confessions of a Teen Idol" on the DVR. "Confessions of a Teen Idol" is, naturally, on VH1, and it follows 7 has-beens as they try to reclaim their so-called fame that has eluded them for years. Now, I'm a pop culture whore and I cast a wide net when declaring someone a star (I'd probably faint if I ever ran into, say, Dina Lohan) but even I thought VH1 was stretching it when they called Eric Nies a teen idol. And Billy Hufsey? Bueller? I've never heard of him. And what's up with them casting Jeremy Jackson, the second Hobie Buchanan on Baywatch? They should have chosen the first one: Brandon Call. What I wouldn't do to see what he is doing. Or Jake from Sixteen Candles. A girl can dream for season 2.

Luckily, "Confessions of a Teen Idol" did feature Jamie Walters, though they mysteriously omitted his star turn on "The Heights" when describing his miraculous resume. He's a (married) bad-ass firefighter/paramedic with fierce tats, and I kind of got a little excited. Just don't push me down the stairs, Ray Pruit!

In addition to my tv watching, today I had a blast from the past that involved a real person! Woohoo! Over a year ago I took my favorite mode of transportation back to Boston--I'm talking about you, Fung Wah!--and I had a really great conversation for I think 3 of the 4 hours with this guy Jay. We exchanged e-mail addresses and then never got in touch. So this week he e-mailed me, and of course I remembered him because I am Captain Autism (at least that's what my brother calls me, because I remember everything, including the name of the little girl in the tv movie The Secret Garden, Gennie James, and no, I did not look this up on imdb.com). We met for lunch at Room Service, a Thai restaurant in Chelsea. I ordered tom yum soup and lard nah. Oh, it was delicious! I had not even told Jay about my blog and he *still* picked up the check. 2009 is going to be a good year people!

Now I am going to bed. Why so early on a Friday night, you ask? Well, I plan on running a 5 mile road race in Central Park tomorrow at 8am. Yeah, I'm hardcore.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Patrick Swayze has been a part of my life since 1988. That's when I saw Dirty Dancing. Yes, I know it came out in the theatres in 1987, but it was PG-13, and sexy, and featured an illegal abortion, and premarital sex (yahoo!) and my Catholic, Republican parents were not about to let their precious third grade daughter, lover of LA Gear and Family Ties, see it at Lawrence Showcase Cinemas. My fifth grade sister Katie, however, DID get to see it while I saw He Man: Master of the Universe with my brother and dad. Yeah, I guess my parents saw being 10 as vastly more mature than being 8, but whatevs, the three Simons sibs all turned out okay!

The Swayz continued to keep rocking . . . 1989 brought us Road House, pottery became sexy in 1990 with Ghost,'91 he teamed with Ted for Point Break, and in 2001 he reinvented himself in Donnie Darko. And now in 2009, El Pat is taking on his greatest challenge: Pancreatic Cancer. I DVR'ed his Barbara Walters special from last night, and tonight I watched. Oh, wow, the waterworks burst! It was so emotional and wrenching and Swayze and his super cool wife of 33 years, Lisa Niemi, have such an amazing bond and love for each other and I hope I find that in a partner someday, and hopefully not on Match!

To mentally prepare myself for the interview, I ate 3 peppermint crunch Andes mints from Johnny K's Batman head. They did the trick!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Your girl Liz is oh so INSPIRED by the new year! I joined the New York Road Runners this week, I'm pumped to run the New York City Marathon, and I am going to look SEXY at my sister's wedding in November (and before that too!!!)!!! It's a year for exclamation points!!!

Too bad BEER has to exist! See, my friend Allison threw a party tonight, and it was open bar, and it was open bar at a super kick ass bar on the Lower East Side where there was beer that was 11% alcohol! Woohoo! The place was called Spitzer's Corner, 101 Rivington St @ Ludlow, super awesome, I can't WAIT to take my Republican (but open-minded!) dad there. Unfortunately, Ashley Alexandra Dupre was not there, but plenty of Belgian beer was in her place! And sliders (the yuppie way of saying teeny tiny hamburgers!)! And grilled cheese! And French fries!

Seriously though, Spitzer's Corner RULED and I high recommend you go there.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Today I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting in over a month and I was not thrilled with the scale. That said, it's a new year and I'm being positive and I am going to get in awesome shape and look so kick ass at my sister's wedding that I will probably get a dozen proposals immediately.

Of course, this commitment to health is a little bit of a hindrance when one writes a blog about eating free food every day. Since I hear dark chocolate is healthy, I only ate 2 mini-York peppermint patties from Johnny K's Batman head. And then after my Weight Watchers meeting, I met my wonderful friend (and talented comedian) Selena Coppock to watch a comedy show at the Bitter End on Bleecker Street. I swore off booze for the night, but then Selena offered to buy me a free beer, and who am I to say no?

I also joined the New York Road Runners last night and I am going to run the NYC Marathon in 2010, just you watch! I guess I'll just have to eat free carrots from now to then!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Oh my God tonight was one of the best Intervention episodes ever. It featured John, a 21 one-year-old from Tucson, Arizona who does not take care of his diabetes. Meanwhile, he has no friends and lives with his awesome parents Lori and Jeff. Lori has MS and lupus and Jeff diabetes also, and John's refusal to maintain his health is tearing his family apart and worsening his mom's condition.

Frequently on Intervention, you resent the addict or the enablers or both (I'm talking about you, Gabe!) because they allow the problem to fester. But in John's case, there was no one to blame. I was sobbing when my boy Ken Seeley (he's also my friend on Facebook!) sat down with the fam and convinced John to get help for his depression. Two months later, John seemed a lot better and was keeping in diabetes in check. I am really cheering for his recovery!

I imagine being diabetic is very hard, and I'd hate it because I'd probably have to curb my free food eating. For example, today my friend Pat took me out to lunch at Pop Burger. I ate two cheeseburger sliders, french fries, and a Diet Coke. I tracked all these points for my Weight Watchers journal, though I kind of made up the point value for the sliders (I said 4 each--anyone have a better idea?). I also went running after work. I'm the maid of honor for my sister's wedding in November and I need to look the hottest out of anyone there, hehe.

I'm really looking forward to next week's episode of Intervention, because we're getting an update on Tressa. She's everyone's favorite lesbian/almost-Olympian who was addicted to meth. She's one of the most beloved Intervention subjects ever, along with Hubert, Jacob, and Sylvia. Can't wait!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I know I've been kind of lazy the past couple weeks. You see, I've been on vacation, and not working, so all routine is out the door. I still ate free food, I just didn't write about it as much, eek!

Here are some highlights of the past few days:

1) January 1, 2009--I spent New Year's Eve at my friends Gloria and Ben's house in Cambridge with two other couples plus one-year-old twins. I slept over and on Jan 1 I ate leftover pizza, woohoo! My dad came to pick me up, and then we went over my favorite Irish-Italian family in all of North Andover's house. Mistress and master of the house Marie and Barry had pizza waiting for me, plus wine, beer, decaf coffee, and chocolate cheesecake. Plus I got to see their 2 awesome (adult) children Shelagh and Ryan and Shelagh's new baby Mia, who is so goddamn cute and has the fattest lil thighs and she is at the only age where it is appropriate to comment on a woman's weight (she is 7 months).

2) January 2, 2009--This was my last day in MA before I took my beloved Fung Wah back to New York. First my dad and I went to Whirlaway Sports in Methuen, home of the Loop, to buy me new running shoes. While not food, they were free because Papa Simons bought them for me! We stopped back at the house so I could eat lunch before my trip. My dad was so cute--he packed an extra lunch for me to take on the bus. He made me a turkey sandwich with mustard and Muenster cheese, and threw in a few cookies and a tangerine. I don't think my father has ever packed his own lunch in 34 years of marriage to my mom, so I thought this was so cute and adorable and made me love my dad more than I already do! My mom had made the cookies so I love her a lot too!

3) January 3, 2009--My first full day back in NY. I went over my friend Mike's house to play backgammon and drink gin and tonics. He also gave me a cookie.

Today was meh in the free food pursuit. And my meh I mean a failure, unless you count the Communion wafer I ate at church, or I should say the body of Christ. Tomorrow I go back to work, which is a little depressing, but at least I'll have Johnny K's Batman head!

About Me

Liz Simons is a New York City-based comedian who has performed all over the city at top clubs including Carolines, Gotham, and Broadway Comedy Club. She has been a featured performer in the show Mortified in New York and Boston. She is adorable, single, and likes to eat. She started this blog because she was known as the girl at her office who was always the first person to know about the leftover food from meetings. And how she loved that free food! She took that passion and now writes about her daily selection of free food.