Monday, January 17, 2011

My Life Update - part 3 (My Coming Out)

When living in a homophobic environment and when facing a lot of hatred toward gay people (even from your parents), it's not easy to come out to your parents. Especially if you know that one of them (your dad) is very narrow-minded person. Also, you are open person and it's hard for you to lie, and you feel alienated from your parents since you were a kid. For one period of your life you even thought that they are aliens cause you saw that they doesn't think like you. You feel like a stranger and that trip luckily doesn't last long, but of course it leaves a lot of influence on you in the future.

Even if you are obligated to lie them, cause you simply know that they won't understand, you still feel the need and the urge to tell them. After all, you are their own son and who can understand you better than your parents, who gave everything for you, who are still giving everything for you, cause you are their only child and you are their everything. And now you are between these two needs, to tell them or not to tell them. What choice to choose?

You can't leave it aside, you need to choose. You want to do both, but that is impossible, only one will be done, it's inevitable.

First one is leading you to slowly kill your relationship with your parents, cause you won't talk to them at all, and that conversation will be only basic conversation, nothing special, they won't know anything about you from making that choice in your mind and later on, you are going to lie them about yourself, about everything and anything, and one day you will leave, their heart will be broken, cause you left without explanation and you will always live with unbearable burden on your soul.

Second choice is riskier, harder choice, and it demands a lot of courage to do it. You are faced with your worst fears and simply, after taking this step, there's no going back. With first one you have the option to go back and try to fix things, the second one is the end. Either you get something from it, or you lose everything...

One night, a young guy lied in his bed and was staring into the ceiling, having a million thought running through his head. He has a lot of problems with his boyfriend. Something happened, something will happen, he knows that for sure. Chris is crazy, he will do something stupid. Mike is in danger. The boy doesn't know what to do to help himself and Mike. He needs to feel protected, he needs love and understanding, he needs understanding of his parents. They are older, maybe they can understand, maybe they know some reasonable solution, maybe they are there to finally understand him. And suddenly he’s experiencing some feeling he never felt before. It’s awful, awkward, strange feeling. He can’t explain it. All he knows is that it’s bad feeling, it doesn’t allow him to sleep and it makes him spin around in his bed with insomnia. He must do something, he mustn't sit aside and do nothing. He jumps out of bed and rushes inside his parents room. He wakes them up and he sees the face expression of his dad and he stops. “They won’t understand…” A simply thought runs throughout his head. They ask him what is wrong and he simply lies to them once more telling he was searching for his mobile cord, nothing special. He returns to bed.

“Okay, what was that? Are you insane? What are you doing?” he talks inside his head… He tries to fall asleep, but it doesn’t help at all. He still feels the weight of that problem and the weight of telling them everything. He doesn’t know what to do. For one second he is between decisions to turn around and tries to sleep or to tell them everything and finally stops his life full of lies, double identity toward his own parents. He jumps out of the bed again and walks again into parent’s room.

“I wasn’t searching for my mobile cord… I have something to tell you.”

***

He told them everything, from the moment he first felt something toward guys until the end. He told them how did he meet persons in person, what happened. He hoped that they will understand, and he sensed that in their voices and in mom's tears. It was a huge burden for him and finally he's revealing everything, he doesn't want to feel stranger anymore toward his parents. And then everything was fine. He thought that maybe his parents accept it. Everything was fine, and everything was seemed like it has a point. Even his mom told him: “I intended to ask you this by myself, but I didn’t know how…” and for the first time in his life he was truly happy. He had a perfect boyfriend, his parents was beginning to understand what have he been through and everything, like I said, was going into its place. Until one day…

One day his father returned from work and demanded from him to change, to help his mother and himself feel better, cause his mother will be sick knowing this. She doesn’t have peace after THE night and she can’t sleep, nor eat, nothing…

The young boy was hit with these words like thunder and from that moment on, until now it passed almost four months and since then the boy doesn’t have his peace. His boyfriend then cheated on him, and they broke up. He doesn’t care that much for school. He is hurt and disappointed with his parents, and he got disappointed with his boyfriend, even though he tried to be there for him, NO MATTER WHAT, after all. He loved him like he never loved anyone else.

And now, while he is writing this, he can’t concentrate and he can’t think clearly, so I’ll end this post. Now you know. I came out to my parents, and this is THE ONLY thing I regret in my life. I feel unstable and very sad, hurt and disappointed, by Mike, by my parents, by everyone. It hurts so much and there is so much sadness and so much burden on my soul.

I know that they love me, and that they will do anything for me, but because I know that they can’t understand me and feel what I feel, I feel like I’m disappointing them. It’s very funny, awkward and weird feeling. I know what is best, but I can't change myself, I tried, and we all know it's impossible.

Dunno what will happen next, wait and see...

I will stop now; I’m getting to emotional…

Thanks for reading and sorry because I this post maybe sounds confusing, cause I started like some story and finished like this, ordinary. I just wanted to finish with this post and that’s all. Hope you understand. And I’m waiting for your comments… I love you all, thanks for everything.

Also, I have million questions to answer, I’ll try to do that as soon as possible, I lost track of everything after breakup and after coming out to my parents. I told you a lot had happened, and a lot will happen.

Also, I'm very confused, cause everything happened so fast and I'm really really stressed with everything... Next post will explain what I'm planning and what are my fears. And there are a lot of new feelings, a lot of drama in the house, and simply I'm feeling like I'm gonna go crazy... I'm scared and alone (almost)... Dunno... Stay tuned and thanks one more time for reading...

About the author

Secret Blogger is writing about his life, living as a gay guy in a homophobic society.

6 comments:

Thank you for sharing. I know that it's been a burden on your mind and you probably had to unload it somehow. I hope you feel a bit better. I wish I could be there to hug you in person, but, you know, being on the other side of the globe and all.

I don't know what else to say, except that it will get better. There are so many other things in your life that you can still be happy about and thankful for. Let this be just one bump in the long road of life. ::Hugs::

Thanks a lot, it means a lot... It is really bit better, but still there's a lot of drama in the house, and as long as I don't mention anything about gays and homosexuality, my parents are okay with it, but dad has a lot of discreet comments which pisses me off, but what can I do... I just need to handle situation and it really is hard, after all, and all with Mike makes it even more harder...

Coming out is tough..no matter how you do it, no matter when you do..it's like that big secret..ur BIGGEST EVER secret is gonna be revealed....as horrible as the process of coming out is...it's necessary...as it ties alot of loose ended questions bt unfortunately it raises even more questions...but what's gotta be done, has gotta be done!

I'm glad u came out....but i do wish ur parents would have been more accepting of it...maybe with time they'll come around....they can't desert you...you're their flesh n blood...bt especially since ur the only child...it was more risky fr u to come out!

@Phunk: It's really sad that gay people must come out, we should all just grow up as we are. There's a lot presure in our head during the process of growing up... :( Which is sad, but I hope that this will change with time.

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