Join me as I half-ass my way through medical school, encountering all sorts of freaks (patients, classmates, myself, etc.) along the way

Saturday, April 23, 2005

The Future of Medicine

Before you think this is going to be some self-rightous piece about health care policy or the Medicare crisis, take a moment to consider that most of what I write here involves some combination of me telling stories about sticking my finger up other peoples asses and embarrassing myself as much as possible. Instead, this is going to be about what is in store for me in the future during my third year of medical school. After two years of developing my sitting-uncomfortably-in-lecture skills, I will soon transition to the world of, dare I say it, real hospitals. With real patients. Shocking. (For those of you who don't know, the third year of medical school consists of rotations through many of the more common fields like surgery, pediatrics, and internal medicine, with the intent of introducing the medical student to the different options that he or she has to choose from for a career while being taught by experts and elder statesmen/women in the respective fields. In other words, it's a chance to be screamed at, humiliated, and have any ounce of self-respect squeezed out of the withering teat that is your soul by actual doctors for an entire year.)

Needless to say, I'm really excited. All sarcasm aside (for once), I am actually (kind of) excited. For one thing, I won't have to be around the stunning array of freakshows that is my class and instructors because I will see, at most, one other student with me on rotations at the many different hopsitals at which I will be making a fool of myself. This means goodbye to visa, frenchie, question girl, waste of space, FCMA, Mr. and Mrs. Stinky, the tool, anonymous Asian female, and all the other colorful characters. Also, this means I might actually spend my time actually doing something and maybe, just maybe, even learning medicine, which may come as a shock to those of you who were under the perception that I've been in medical school for the last two years or so. Lastly, upon receiving my rotations schedule this week, I am excited about how the year will play out. Why, you ask? This might be a little complicated to explain, so I thought I'd create a little key (legend? Is that the right word? I mean like the thing on those maps that help label different parts - Christ, one week of boards studying and I've already lost the part of my brain that stored 2nd grade) that can be applied to the rotations, and I'll let you, the reader, figure out why the schedule is so appealing to me.

Rotation Key:

Fucked - If a rotation received this label, this means it will involve a maximum amount of being screamed at and a minimum amount of sleep. While the potential for unintentional comedy will be through the roof (just imagine the laughs when, after going on no sleep for two days, I fall asleep face first into someone's opened up abdomen - hah! OK maybe not so funny.), the potential for actually being responsible for seriously hurting or killing somebody directly as a result of my own incompetence will also be at a maximum. If I'm on a rotation with this label, there is a 75% chance you will find me on the floor of a hosptial somewhere, curled up in the fetal position, crying for mommy. And not just because I do that every Thursday anyways.

Focused - If a rotation received this label, this means I might actually be considering this specialty for the future. This leads to a few consequences:

I have to do everything possible to cover up my gross incompetence.

Since it is something I am seriuosly considering, it must inherently mean that there is at least some acceptable level of sleep involved.

I find the field at least marginally interesting, which will make the time go by faster.

Seriously, I have to do everything possible to cover up my gross incompetence.

Given this, a rotation with this label probably implies that while I won't be on the verge of dying from sleep deprivation, I will still have to be busting my ass. But who knows, maybe I'll actually enjoy what I'm doing?

Ah, Fuck It - If a rotation received this label, this means that a) I could care less about it because I have no intentions of ever going into this field (part of me wants to make a note of this so, when I do choose one of these fields next year, I can have a good laugh at my own expense) and b) they are very chill rotations, literally having the potential for check in at 8am, check out at 11am work days - this means that while on one of these rotations, I will have ample time to go to a baseball game at night (hell, maybe even a day game) or romance a lovely Jewish lady (for a few of you special readers, I would like to point out that I made it through two, yes TWO, posts without making any reference to either my depressing lonliness and/or any available Jewish women near me). In other words, if I'm one of these rotations, life is good. Or as good as it can be for a third year medical student.