On trust:

by Patrick O'Brien

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Most of us have felt betrayed. We know its pain and anguish. Stumbling on, looking for a safe place, fearful and shut off from trust, determined that no one will hurt us again.

It’s worse for those of us who, like myself, have betrayed our fellow beings for we’ve learnt a terrible truth — anyone is capable of betrayal. I know this, because, as an undercover agent, success depended on me gaining the trust of my targets, knowing all the while that, come the end of day, I would betray them.

And so it was I lost all trust in myself . . . locked inside what Graham Greene described as the most terrible cell of all, oneself. And it got worse: if I can’t trust me, how could I ever trust you, went my reasoning.

Cold and lonely, yet feeling safe.

It was a sad exchange — safety is a desolate place.

Then, in one of life’s little ironies, which I write about here, the pain of my situation brought me to open my heart, and with that came Love. It gifted me an understanding and a forgiveness for my betrayal — and, more importantly, an empathy with others; an acceptance of the human condition.