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tiny monthly themed ep 8/12

for eight months, i lived in an apartment in the ugliest and tallest building in the city. it had a picture window and i had two jobs. the walls were so thin that the only instrument i could pick up was the ukulele and these are the songs i wrote on it about & during that time

(recorded all in one mildly fumbling go at the kitchen table at my new place. august and september were full of illness and moving and the death of both a family member and my laptop, so i just wanted to finally get this up. i don't normally qualify these things but i wanted to thank you for your patience and understanding, smooches)

contact / help

four more doors and a keycard
several floors, all these new guardrails
between the street and home
between the street and home
home, home

still trying to define it, still trying to find it
still trying to define it, still trying to find it

and i'm spending even more time googling ulcers, feeling nauseous
i think my body is fighting me-- how could i blame it?
an unreliable narrator dry-heaving in an elevator
don't adjust your dials, it's not deja vu, it's just the same shit

trying to mark what is just me
and what's sparked up by my disease
'cause if there is a line
if there is a line, i'm

still trying to define it, still trying to find it
still trying to define it, still trying to find it
find it

carpet fibres underneath my fingernails & bits of greasy scalp and hair
like basslines under looping questions:
can i walk without stumbling? can i talk without mumbling?
can absolution come without repentance, just confession?

if i die before i wake
at least i won't be as shaky
my hands would finally still
my hands would finally still
ill, ill

but my cat greets me at the door when i get home after work
and i wake up to his purring body curled near my ear
his love, of course, is gratifying, and equal parts terrifying
christ, there's a life in my hands, i need to stay here

Track Name: 6 am 2 ns

it's not that odd, historically
for a lot of my time to be devoted to thoughts of you and me, obsessively
i like to think that lately, it's been a little more healthy
it's not that i think i've got everything figured out
i haven't untangled this knot
it's still fraught
i haven't forgot a lot of things i know i ought to

i got a little bit wiser, and older, too
and i loved you too much

i think i don't want us to be together
i think that i mean that, for once, honestly
i don't want you to love me
i don't want us to be "we"
it's just weird that we won't be

i got a little bit wiser, and older, too
and i loved you too much to not get over

i got a little bit jaded, and bolder, too
and i loved you too much to not get over you

Track Name: bloodletting

laying in bed with my feet up, a little bit beat up
unable to sleep
my bones are yelling at me, my body's not happy
but bodies are weak

i wash my work clothes in the sink
and i drink

always pushing myself harder
'cause i love to be a martyr
cracking shoes and tearing pockets
rather die than ever stop it

rather die than most things

chugging coffee and crashing, hysterically laughing
not quite knowing why
bored of people expressing their worries and blessings
the looks in their eyes

i come home just to lie about
and black out

knowing suicide is a sin
but not dying of exhaustion
make my tension into a crown
rather die than ever slow down

rather die than most things
rather die than most things

if you throw yourself off a bridge
everyone will call you selfish
if you work yourself to death
everyone will be impressed

Track Name: [nightmare interlude]

i have this dream
that you bang on my door and yell "we need to talk about hallowe'en"
816 816

you're dressed in green
not when i see you, but every time i replay the scene
816 816

and it's not great.
when we share an elevator, i sometimes sweat and shake
16 8 16 8 16 8

but like, it's fine
honestly, who has the time

Track Name: windmills

it's not all bad news
at least i'm saving a lot on food
and dust can't settle on a couch you don't have
it's not all bad, it's not all bad

i can see windmills from my window
and i am trying to take it slow
on the tarmac, i see the crowds glow
in the late night lamp light tableau

i still take care
i brush the mats from my hair
while i'm wallowing in the tub
i still care, i still care

i see the sunset and the sunrise
and i am working on my goodbyes
from the sidewalk, i hear the crowds howl
part and apart from all the night owls

it's not all bad news
it's not all bad, it's not all bad

i can see windmills from my window
i can see windmills

Track Name: i don't have cable so i watch the club lines

footsteps bleeding together
bare skin bared to the weather
please next time wear a sweater
coat check exists for a reason

lock your arms and your fingers
don't let in the cold 'cause it lingers
watch out for each other and ice and car blinkers
this is a dangerous season

get home safe
get home safe
take care of each other, get to a warm place
get home safe