5 Absolutely Justified Crimes I Might Actually Commit

Alex and I accidentally did a bunch of culturally impressive things a few weeks ago. We visited some local museums, strolled about all the hip areas of the city, and finally grabbed some food at a fancy little restaurant. I have absolutely no idea how this happened, but for some reason Alex caught sight of my fingertips.

I’d never really bothered to look at them, but now it made sense. This is why my fingerprints always fail to work when scanning at the DMV, customs, the gym, or my iPhone. Because I don’t have any. Or at least you can’t see them through vertical and horizontal wrinkly trenches of WTF.

So obviously the first thing I did was Google it. I was hoping to discover that dicey fingerprints were an indication I wasn’t from this planet and could finally shirk off the horrors of my childhood. Sadly, this was not the case and like all ailments and symptoms, it simply meant that I likely have some sort of debilitating disease. Beyond that, there was really nothing else on the topic. Which is fine, because I’d moved on to the next most obvious thought: I am totally going to become a criminal.

After all, why would someone with such an affinity for ending up in precarious situations, and a history of making morally questionable choices suddenly have non-fingerprints? Me thinks this is like a green light from the Universe to go ahead and start committing crimes. So I made a list:

After asking 27 coworkers I finally found someone with an ink pad and then I made a huge mess.

Like this:

Comments

I have a scar on my nose from when I slammed it into the coffee table because my brother was chasing me and I tripped on Newspaper. I remember being so bummed because I had to get stitches and it made me miss Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can still see the scar when I scowl (which is all the time).

Most of that would fall under the category of “I can tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” And because I don’t likes the killings and whatsnots, it is just easier to say “Yeah, been there. Done that.” … and then move on rather quickly from it.

I only have “weird” scars from birth marks and surgeries I’ve had. They’re pretty weird, but nothing too exciting, unfortunately. I’m not sneaky enough to get away with anything, but if I could, it’d probably be sneaking into tons of movies without getting caught. Or freeing all the animals from the zoo and keeping them in my backyard. One of the two. 🙂

I have a giant penis and tiny toes. Or is that the other way around? I can’t remember as I haven’t seen either in so long.
If I thought I could get away with it I would do away with all sexual predators, child abusers, dog abusers and stupid drivers. Damn, I’ve got a lot of people to kill. Anyone you want me to add to the list?

I do like the fact that you are a freak of nature, but you know you can also just wear gloves, right? I mean, even regular criminals figured out the gloves and mask thing, and they aren’t rocket scientists.

“2. Install hidden cameras all over my absurd workplace so I can become a YouTube sensation.” Excellent choice of crime. Will be waiting for the day videos flood the net and I can claim “I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO BE A STAR.”

I thinking dumping ON the car might be beneath you (even crimey you). Save some dumps and put it IN the car. Way classier. I think I would prefer sloths because they are natural hungers but respect your red panda idea. My fingerprints are strangely normal so I will have to live vicariously. Alas…

There’s got to be a third hand-related thing – the bendy fingers, the lack of fingerprints, you need to get Alex to do a thorough examination of your hands seeing as he seems to be the only one able to spot your…unique hand features. He may need to extend to the wrist if there is nothing in the main hand area. There will be a third thing though, I’m certain of it.

You are right, Vanessa-Jane! I wait to find out what it is… Actually I just stopped typing so I could stare at my hands but I don’t think I have the gift of sight. It has to be Alex. He will discover it for us.

It’s the wrinkly fingerprints that give you good traction to be able to balance yourself whilst creating said dump. And then when I hobble my way off the hood of the car, I leave no fingerprints behind…

I have what my husband calls a double jointed thumb (it’s bendy). Our youngest son has it too and his dad thought he broke the kid’s thumb when he was cleaning his hands after eating one evening. I had no idea my son and I were such freaks until that day. 🙂

My understanding is that it has nothing to do with the joint itself– it’s that the tendons/muscles are a bit weak.

I knew a few people like that, including a delightful professor from St. Petersburg (took a Russian music history class with her as the instructor). It really makes my skin and nerves crawl to watch it, though. (Why did she do it? I was studying classical guitar at the time, and she was showing me why she couldn’t play guitar. Excellent pianist, though, so, go figure.)

There was a wonderful movie years ago (Jimmy Cagney or Edward G Robinson) where he was told he had 6 months to live. He brought together a group of his closest friends and asked them “If they had 6 months,” what would they do One suggested a murder that would benefit society. IT has always intrigued me. However, these days, I’d have to become a serial killer and with only 6 months it would be tough!

I think that, now that you are with Alex, and finally have a determined and happy future, the wandering, indeterminate ways of your old fingerprints will cease, and your fingertips will begin developing happy swirls of joy.

But if they don’t, you can always get really cool fingerprint tattoos with smiling red panda faces : )

I’m not sure a life of crime works well for redheads, anyhow. We tend to stick out. I worked in the campus kitchen and spirited away an entire German Chocolate sheetcake, but was caught borrowing a spoon.

I don’t have non-existent fingerprints, but I CAN assist you in your life of crime by diverting the attention of any witnesses with a profusion of loud popping noises as I easily crack everything it’s possible to crack in my hands, knees, neck and back. The effect is not unlike firecrackers when I’m really in my element, and everyone will be way too busy cringing to see you dropping that BM on your boss’ BMW.

Um, number 4 seems to be the only one I think is illegal. And a bad idea. I am pretty sure red panda’s are not as sweet as they look Aussa. I have horizontal lines on some of my fingertips. They’re from when I curl up my fingers. Maybe the vertical ones are from folding your fingers??

I knew we were related! I too have those lines on my fingertips. Plus lots of scarring because I’m a diabetic and jab my fingertips for testing my sugars. I could totally do crimes now! Hm, now to think of the perfect one, as there are so many things that comes to mind. 😉

This is totally my type of list, so much so that my list would include “stealing good blog ideas from Aussa.” Also I would add to the list a reverse of #3. I’d throw heavy objects at people who work in retail and are rude to customers.

The first thing I did was look at my fingertips when I saw your comparison photo. Maybe it’s a chick thing? Because, mine look like that too. It’s almost like I’ve been in bath water for too long. So, thanks for letting me know that I have some debilitating disease. Check your gf’s or SIL’s fingers and see what they look like. Now I’m curious. (side note: If I could get away with something, it wouldn’t be illegal, just mean. I’ll leave it at that.)

Yes that’s exactly what it’s like– the bath water thing. And oh no… debilitating disease… at least this will bring us closer. Or something. And I looked at my female coworkers and they all looked somewhat closer to Alex’s! Though I’m pretty sure he has the most perfect looking fingerprints ever. Which isn’t so bad since he thought he was being rebellious by not putting something back in it’s proper place at the grocery store earlier tonight.

And! I have no idea how he notices these things. He’s an odd one. Because he will totally miss some BIG things sometimes!

How funny! Have you had your palms read? Do they have invisible lines, too?

I have the opposite reaction to most stimulants, including caffeine and medications that say things like, “Common side effect, drowsiness. 1 in 10 billion people might experience heightened wakefulness.” (You must be one in 10 billion, too. ;))

After having LASIK surgery, the doc gave me Ambien. I laid wide awake while my stinging eyes gushed water during the mandatory recovery “nap.” So, much, fun. 🙂

Damn my fingerprints anyway. I could be the perfect criminal. HAHA not a chance. I would be the bull in a china shop that he broke into. LOL. Fingerprints or no, I would leave a blood trail from all the broken glass. Nope, not cut out for crime it seems. Good luck to you. If the hope diamond is the centerpiece of your wedding reception I will know your idea was a success. I will then go looking for people with bumps and bruises exiting retail shops and I will know I have found the fingerprintless bandit!!! LOL.

Ha, it’s probably a good thing you’re not made to be the perfect criminal, John! Have you seen that video of “the world’s worst burglar” or something? Guy breaks into a liquor store. HILARIOUS. Definitely worth googling.

Back when I was a teenager, I could pull out my belly button. I have an innie – but could pull it out so that it looked like an outie (as long as I held it in place). I used to pull it out and then put a marble on top and push it back in place – and the marble would stay there for as long as I wanted it to. I used to pretend I was a harem girl with a jewel in my naval – now THAT would have been the life!! Alas, those dreams were dashed once I got all stretched out from being pregnant and then by having laparoscopic surgery through my belly button. It’s firmly an innie-only now. I also have weird ears and can still do all sorts of bendy-stretchy things with them that normal people cannot. I’ll show you this summer if you promised not to get all squeamish.

As for weird body characteristics…I make dying whale noises when reacting to something instead of saying something normal like “wow”. It’s honestly out of my control. Weird. Quite fun to scare people with however.

Hahahaha oh my goodness I wish I could hear this in person. “dying whale sounds” is humorous (because I’m evil, apparently) and just made me laugh to picture– despite being a big ball of rage at the moment due to technology not doing my bidding.

Cool. I had to be fingerprinted a few times. Let’s just say for work, ok? And the guy doing the printing said I had lines on my left middle finger. He assumed I cut myself dicing vegetables. “Yeah, that must be what it is” I lied.
You may not have fingerprints, but can’t they get DNA from poo? You might want to deposit poo from the red pandas just to be sure.

Oooh that’s true. Good criminal mind, there Joy. Damn. I could use Zola’s (she manufactures plenty) but I don’t want to implicate her in my crimes, plus she’s way too lazy to walk a block over in the neighborhood. Yeah, it’s going to have to be the pandas.

Is it weird I’ve had a few dreams about committing a crime then running off to the middle of nowhere and dropping enough weight and changing my style so much I am no longer recognizable? That could be cool. Maybe. Or maybe I’ve just watched waaaaay too much CSI and Criminal Minds. Yea, that’s it.

I also have lines in my fingertips, I was told by someone once that it’s a lack of hydration and bad circulation. As someone who sits on his arse all day that’s probably true…
I can bend my right arm 45 degrees at the elbow, the wrong way. That’s always good for upsetting people at parties.

Okay! I definitely have a disease then because I drink a million gallons of water a day but have al the markers of dehydration! What the heck? I don’t get it! My dietician SIL is having me drink gatorade and eat salt but kill. KILL.

Is it possible your hands were just dry (or too wet) from lotion or something? It could be dehydration too. I know you wanted to know what quirky crimes I would commit, but I’m in mom mode and so I was offering a solution to your bizarre fingerprint problem. 😉

Nope, we’d just sat down and ordered food! And someone else mentioned dehydration, which is so weird… because I drink more than 2 gallons of water a day… but I have other signs of dehydration, so I don’t get it. I’m adding electrolytes and salt to my diet (because I don’t really have much salt unless I eat pizza) which supposedly can help.

And I appreciate your Mom modeness because I’m in childish panic mode 😉

Putin is definitely on my list. Even just to throw a shoe or some rotten fruit at. And I think that the only thing I’m missing in order to achieve these crimes is invisibility. So I’ll keep my wrinkly bendy fingers crossed that Alex discovers some oddity on my body that allows invisibility.

I’ve done my time in service industries (more especially food service), and I don’t DARE dish out any of the shite attitude I witnessed. I’m not that thoughtless or cruel. I try to balance karma back the OTHER direction, and show the courtesy I wish I could have seen.

You DO have weird fingerprints! LOL! But you still HAVE fingerprints darlin, AND DNA, so you might want to rethink your life of crime! But I have to tell you, I totally agree with all of them! Especially for the retail thing, but I would like to add… bad customer service phone reps. I had it out with a chick at Honda Customer Relations (what a joke) on Friday and I am trying to get that b**** fired! Seriously, it was the worst and I am hoping to hear from her superior tomorrow!
As for scars.. I have a few, but my most recent one is on my wrist from when I broke it last Oct. I had to have surgery and I now have a plate and 8 screws in it *sigh* but my scar is awesome. I had the best surgeon ever! It is a tiny white line already and only 3 inches long on the inside of my arm. Part of the reason it healed so well is because of the amount of water I drink, but I also did exactly as I was told and took care of my arm and my skin. It was a bad enough experience without having to deal with something ugly to remind me I am a complete clutz! :-/

Oh yikes, that injury sounds terrible, Courtney 🙁 I have a scar on my right calf that reminds me of something stupid and I was so upset when I first got it. I thought I was “ruined.” Now I just consider it a good conversation piece 😉

And rude phone people are the worst!!! Makes you want to crawl through the receiver and…. find them.