Black Leather Trousers
You will never be the ultimate punk rock god guitarist unless you are wearing tight (I meant VERY tight) black leather trousers. At the moment these are hideously un-fashionable thanks mainly to the lack lustre pathetic pop heroes that this country is producing at the moment. Chris Martin and James Morrison prefer to hang out in Oxfam soft casuals, pretending that they are skint students. Therefore whilst it is easy to get a poncy cardigan with buttons on like your old dad used to wear, it is virtually impossible to get a pair of thin leather trousers for punk purposes. Do not make the mistake of getting thick motorbike leathers. These offer very little movement on stage. You will not be able to throw any decent rock shapes. You will look like you've got a pole shoved up your arse. Also they are very hot and cause a lot of unwanted liquid to gather in your underpants. This can be both uncomfortable and very embarrassing when it is released from the bottom of your trouser leg during an emotional note bending moment. Trust me I have been there. Even legends have to learn!

The only option available is to find a pair of Napa leather trousers. Napa, my Punk Padawan, is the thinnest softest leather known to man. Hen's teeth you ask? Yes. After running the gauntlet of the works internet police, I investigated every gay and fetish leather supplier in the UK. 50 internet blocks, two verbal's and one written warning later, I managed to track down the perfect item. Yippee! I foolishly thought as I sent the cash off via Paypal. Unfortunately, the items had been slightly ill described and were in fact Cliff Richard/Rod Stewart style leather pleated chinos. Oh how Sydney laughed that night in Birkenhead when I took the stage looking like a leather extra from Brideshead Revisited. Tears well even now at the memory. Shamed and embarrassed I resolved to get the matter sorted. Thank God I know a beautiful seamstress. The righter of my wrongs. Within 24 hours my leather slacks were tightened to within an inch of their lives and my leather drainpipes were born.
(Tones style tip: Always put a rolled up sock into one pocket so that it looks like you've got a big cock)

The T-Shirt
It is very difficult to get a decent punk t-shirt. Even in this day and age of cheap clothing, you will notice that no-one sells decent stuff. Even in Camden! You have to go back to punk basics and DIY your own stuff. This is great because; 1. it's cheap and 2. no-one else will have one the same! Cool.

First you need to find a base t-shirt. I get mine from T-shirt Grill in Rushden on the net. They do lots of punk and seditionarie designs for about £10. Then I stain it with tea. Yes tea. First make a cup of tea. Then put your white t-shirt into a bowl with the used t bag. Drink the tea before it gets cold. Wait for about half an hour and then pull out the now brown/grubby looking t-shirt. Perfect. Next cut off the sleeves next to the seems with scissors. Next cut off the collar or try cutting it into a V (very All Saints for the stylish amongst you). Cut a few extra little holes here and there and add some safety pins to the collar or straight down the side looks good. If the t-shirt is black you can flick bleach at it with your mate's toothbrush. This will have 2 results, firstly you will get really cool vintage washed out blobs on your punk t-shirt and secondly you will burn your mates mouth when he next brushes his teeth, which will be fun to watch and if filmed could earn you £250 on 'You've Been Framed'.

The Sneer
The sneer is a basic punk accessory that needs to be worn nearly all the time. It has been made famous by Billy Idol and Freddie Starr. Sid Vicious also uses it a lot. If one has a large mouth and a flexible face it is quite effective. God blessed me with a small mouth (amongst other things) and an inflexible face. I can't sneer for toffee. When I sneer it looks like I am trying to produce a fart.

Sneering properly takes a lot of practice. I must advise that it is not safe to practise in the car mirror on the way to work. I did this once and hit a kerb at 50 mph and buggered my tyre up. That cost me £70 and it wasn't worth it.

I have therefore found that the quick spasmo style 'head shake' works better for me. Another word of warning to all you fledgling punk rockstars out there. Do not do this too much if you are over 30. You will get a stiff neck or worse. It's not worth it. A neck brace looks daft on stage.

Punk Shoes
Shoes make the man. You need decent shoes to finish the look off properly. Crap shoes will spoil all the hard work. Your fans will look straight at them when you kick them from stage level. Also when you put your foot on the monitor for the solo's etc everyone will see them. You can not at any cost where flip flops or trainers because they are comfy. Forget comfy, this is punk! You are a mighty punk rock legend guitarist you need something solid from which to perform from. Biker boots is a good start. Mr Vicious' footwear of choice. DM's have great British punk credentials. You will need to buy them second hand or distress them though as they can look a bit 'schoolboy' or 'police' when very new.

I have found that the best footwear for punk style chic is the classic Brothel
Creeper. George Coxes finest creation. The benefits are two-fold. Firstly, they
look great and if made of suede 'knacker up' quickly, which hides the fact that
you have only had them five minutes and makes them look like Let There Be Rock
'70's originals. And secondly, if you are a short-arse they will give you some
much needed height. Johnny Rotten wears them. 'Nuff said.

Steve Tones - Can't touch this!!!

TONESY'S GEAR LIST

1989 White Gibson Les Paul Custom

Marshall DSL 100 Watt Head

Marshall Cab

Boss TU-2 Tuner

MXR Phaser (for Anarchy, although you can never really hear it whirring around and I might start leaving it at home!)

Tonesy's Tool BoxThe Legend's weapons of choice
Any self respecting guitar legend wannabe is going to need a decent axe and a very loud amp. Punk is not about drums or bass (ask Sidney!) it's all about guitar. Full-on, full-blooded, rock n' roll guitar. Fact. You need straight ahead balls-out power and you will only get that classic rock grind from a Marshall head. Do not fuck about with a 50 watt head. It will sound shit and too quiet. The others in the band will kick you out and no one will buy it on eBay! I know. Just get a 100watt and do not piss about with anything less. Other amps may pretend to deliver but they will break down. Marshalls don't break. (Ps. Mr Marshall can I have a free one now! ST)

As far as guitars are concerned forget about the chinkie crap knock-off copies by Epiphone and Stagg etc. You need a Gibson Les Paul. It is the only guitar for the job. It is pricey so you will need to nick one. Find a pub that is putting on a shitty blues band with loads of old people in it. When they are changing their colostomy bags at half time you will have a chance to steal the lead guitarists' perfect condition Les Paul. He will be a bit upset but will not be able to run as fast as you. Also, he will be a highly paid accountant or bank manager so he can afford to buy another one.

All you need now is a decent guitar lead and a tuner. The tuner is not essential as things can sound more 'punk' without one. Ask Mr Vicious. He regularly plays in a completely tuneless state and then tries to blame me for the hideous row coming out of his amp. I personally prefer to use a tuner as my ears are totally fcuked after loads of gigs at ridiculously loud volumes. However I will never sell out and use ear plugs – I would rather go deaf than look like a tosser on stage.

Anyway the gear of choice is listed above. If any of you lot reading this crap nicks any of my stuff I will stab you in the arse with my pool cue until you die.