Waking up I knew something was wrong. I felt weird. I felt off, and I was as sick as a dog hating that I had to get ready for a doctor’s appointment that day.

But never did I expect what would happen with only 4 words: “There is no heartbeat.” I laid on that bed, tears fell endlessly from my eyes. The pain I felt is indescribable. Everything around me stopped, but the tears were still comin’.

Never have I ever felt a pain this deep. My world was shattered, my heart in a thousand pieces. How do you deal with this?

My baby, my first baby. Only days before had I heard your heartbeat for the first time, and they gave me an ultrasound picture of you in my tummy. God, the moment I found out we were expecting I wanted to tell the world. I was filled with so much joy and happiness and a little nervous, but that’s normal. So many plans for my baby girl or baby boy that I didn’t get the chance to meet. I was supposed to watch over you, not the other way around.

Fighting this everyday battle for a year has been literally one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, just trying to make it through and then I think of you. It brings tears but also peace and puts a smile on my face knowing that my angel baby is back safe and sound with the big guy upstairs and two of the most important men in my life.

I used to question God A LOT. I hated him for taking people that meant the most to me, especially my baby. Now, now I just pray and talk to him. I thank him for caring for my angel baby. My child doesn’t have to suffer here on earth.

My baby gets to play on heaven’s playgrounds with endless smiles and a world full of peace, love, and happiness.

My love for you is everlasting.

I hurt but the pain is power, and the lesson is a blessing.

I’ll see you one day my baby.

October 26. The day that changed my life for better and for worse.

To be continued… November 10th is a bittersweet time for my family and me. As it marks the anniversary of the day I almost lost my life. Twice, in my mother’s arms I nearly slipped away. We had to have an ambulance rush to our home and transport me to the hospital. Before they arrived it was a tragic scene, one in which I can only remember by the screams of my mother to “stay with her” and the terrified faces of my sisters forever etched inside my brain. Pain, anguish, and panic. They were afraid for my life.

As I laid there drifting towards eternity I felt a peace that I’ve never known. A tranquility, a happiness, a stress-free, wonderful feeling. One in which I have tried to emulate everyday since. I try to keep a piece of that feeling, a glimpse of that heaven with me. Although, I could have drifted into the abyss of freedom we all know as heaven I couldn’t bear to see the pain of losing me in my mother’s and sisters’ eyes. The sound of my mom’s voice kept me here; the look in Desire’s face when I said, “I’m fine, I’m okay” stays in my head. I stayed alive; I chose to live because of the love I knew I would be leaving behind.

Truly at this juncture I was heartbroken. Not over a month earlier I lost the child I was carrying. Heart stopped beating. Such a deep sadness ensued; I was enveloped in grief over the loss of such a precious life. I had yet to have the opportunity to shake my grief when my boyfriend, who I felt great love for, decided to leave me.

I’m not writing for sympathy; I’m writing to share my story. I have so much more to give. I am writing to say thank you to God, to my amazing mother and sisters. You guys have helped me so much everyday. There are no words to describe the love and appreciation I have for you all. Even at my lowest you still treat me with respect and dignity. You still look up to me, and treat me like I am the best. You made my heart whole again and you never gave up on me. I can’t promise to be around forever but I can promise as long as I’m here the God in me will do the good by you. The woman I have become has so much to do with you three. As much pain as I have endured is as much as I have grown. In growth I gained not only an amazing relationship with God but myself as well

I’m learning, loving and appreciating this blessing I call, LIFE.

My pain, my power and when I’m hurting, I reflect on this day. Today is a celebration, today is a blessing.

Today is the day I chose to survive, and now because of my family and God, I thrive.

Comments

I am so sorry! I want you to know that you are not alone. This tragedy that has you on your knees will change and shape and guide you for the rest of your life.
I also lost a little girl. She was full term but had a severe birth defect. I carried her for 3 months knowing she would pass when she was born. I have written a book titled. “Letters to Muriel”, in hopes that other parents who lose children will know that their sorrow is shared and that healing can occur. If you read it, I hope it will help. I wish you well in your journey!