Always

This isn't exactly personal experience, but I couldn't think of where else to put it. This was a school assignment, the prompt was: "Love letter." This is a letter I wrote to my best friend. It's hard to follow and not very well written, but it really shows how I feel right now. Oh, sorry it's a bit long, too.

Dear You,

I remember ever time we’ve made eye contact, every single soccer ball we passed, every single text you’ve sent me. All the memories piling up, some of them good, and some of them bad. I remember the day we met, the day you first called me Char, the day I called your name. I remember everything. Do you? I doubt it. I remember every single laugh we’ve shared, every day you’ve smiled at me, and every day you’ve frowned. I was there for you when you needed me, when you broke up with your girlfriend, and when you just needed to talk. And you were always there for me. You never told my secret’s and you never spoke a lie. You were the one I knew would always be there.

And then everything changed. On February 16th, I found out the truth about you. When I thought I knew you deep down, I only knew the surface. You had always known that I had thought of you as a friend, but also, there was a part of me that saw you as more. I knew you didn’t see me like that and I respected that. You were with her and I was by myself. I still loved you as a friend and I knew we would never be more, but I still wished that you would realize I had been there all along. It was never a love story, and it was never perfect. It was a Taylor Swift song in reality. It was like maybe, “Teardrops on my Guitar,” or maybe, “You Belong with Me.” Every part of our relationship could be explained by one of those songs. And now, 3 months later, it’s, “You’re Not Sorry.”

Even after you betrayed me, after you played me, after you lied, I still remember the good times and wish that maybe we’ll be friends again someday. It hurts to remember, and it makes my cry sometimes, but I still do. I don’t know why I do it anymore. I really don’t. It makes me optimistic, but also pessimistic. Do I really want to be friends with you, a disrespectful, arrogant, self-centered, lying thing? No, I don’t think so. The only thing that makes my question that is the fact that we used to be friends, no, not just friends, best friends. You were the only one that I relied on. I know you thought she was my best friend, but face it, everyone knows that girls can’t keep secrets for their lives. I know that. Only you, my male best friend, can keep my secrets. Even in love and in war, I know I can still trust you. Or can I? I’m waiting for you to prove it.

When I finally called your name as you left her classroom, and you turned around and said you were sorry, something clicked. I realized that you weren’t sorry and that you didn’t even care. I had been wrong. I have been very wrong. You gave me a hug and your overwhelming cologne that I was so used to rushed back into my life. My mind was rushing, so many thoughts. I didn’t know what to think anymore. You were my everything and then you were my nothing. And now, you’re there, but I don’t feel you. And that’s good. I was afraid of getting hurt again, but I know I won’t.

This might seem like a love letter that someone sends an ex or a current love, but this isn’t. This is me telling you that I still love you, but this time, only as a friend. The only thing that I ask is that you don’t leave me again and that you don’t abandon me. I can’t handle that. I’d slip back into that period of time where nothing made me happy and no one could make me laugh. You used to make me laugh. You used to make me smile. You used to make me frown. And now you only make me cry. You can make me cry and you can make me smile, but I’m usually crying when I think of you. I want to cry right now, but I won’t because I know that won’t help. Even as friends again, it’s still tough for me. You’re happy with Emily and I’m fairly happy by myself, it’s just difficult.

This summer, we’ll form more memories, have more food fights, make more laughs. It will be just like last summer, except we both know we’ll be alone. Megan will be gone and Gordon will be gone. Emma might be with us, but I hope she isn’t. She causes drama and more problems and we need anything but that. It will just be us. We’ll have more “serious conversations,” about our “serious matters,” and we’ll prank call my friends and smile till our lips fall off. The only downside is that I’ll never forget what you did. And it will be awkward, but we’ll get around that. I hope. I can’t wait to run around in short and tank top’s and laugh at each others, “that’s what she said,” jokes. Yeah, it might be awkward, but we’ll get through it. Like we always do. And that, that is exactly why you’re my best friend. No matter what happens, we always get through it and we’ll always be together. Together as friends and as nothing more.

Please, stay in my life. I need you as my best friend, and as the one that keeps my secret. Promise to stay and promise that you’ll always be there. And that you’ll always love me as your best friend and nothing more than that. Always.

Love,

Me

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Wow. You're really wise... much more wise than most high school girls. It's great that you can forgive him after all that he did, and make boundaries, and... yeah. That's an amazing ability- and I totally agree, guy best friends... aaaah. Thankfully, I finally have a girl best friend who doesn't broadcast my issues to the world, but guys are so much better usually with keeping secrets. At least, as far as we know. ANYWAY, good writing! About something that is really hard. Did you actually send t... (more »)

Ironically enough, I'm in middle school! And yeah, it was just to vent. It was a school assignment, but I took advantage of it to write this. Thanks, though! It was really good to write this. It felt really... cleansing. This has been going on for months. It was good to get it all out, you know? Again, thanks!