I've been "the big girl" as long as I can remember. I finally got fed up with that title on May 1, 2007. On that day, I started eating less, eating better, and moving more. I lost over 100 lbs., ran a marathon, then gained all of it back. What now?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The way things are

2009 wasn't the best year. My lack of posts may lead some to believe I was very busy- too involved with my exciting whirlwind of a life to blog. They couldn't be more wrong.

After last year's Kansas City Marathon, one of the best days of my life, things took a turn. I was sick of thinking about every little thing I ate, bored with running, and tired. I was so very tired. At the time, I was just allowing myself a little break from my fit existence. The break turned into 14 months of a total downward spiral. I've gained every bit of the weight back, and then some. Here's my new "before" picture, which was taken about an hour ago. By the way, that's my sarcastic "fuck you" smile. I haven't genuinely smiled for a photo in months.

On my right ring finger, there's a red indentation that represents where my grandmother's wedding ring used to reside. She gave it to me as a birthday gift in April. Every time I'd visit her, she'd want to hold my hand and look at it. I told her I'd never take it off, and that always made her smile. A few days ago, I had to break that promise. I could feel it getting tighter and tighter as my fingers got fatter, and I was worried that if I didn't remove it soon, I'd have to get the ring cut off. Four days ago, as I pried it off with the help of lots of soap, I cried. Grammy died in July. She's on my mind constantly. Mostly I wonder what her last moments were like, and if she was afraid. I saw her the night before, but I still feel a lot of guilt for not being there during her final moments. Since the nursing home didn't call me to let me know she was rapidly declining, I was at home on the couch, obliviously eating Taco Bell. I will never, ever forget that I was eating fast food while my grandmother was dying. It sickens me to think it. I miss her so much. She was the most generous person I've ever known.

My life has become one of avoidance. I don't make eye contact or engage people in conversation unless social nicety requires it. I rarely go out with my friends, especially the ones who only knew me as a thin person. A few weeks ago, I met my old running gang for brunch. I don't really know what possessed me to say yes, because it was the very last thing I wanted to do. Of course I wanted to see them and catch up with their lives. I missed all the long, sometimes deep, sometimes silly conversations we'd have on our Saturday morning runs. But I didn't want them looking at me. I didn't want them to see what I've let myself become.

With the holidays came the extended family, most of whom hadn't seen me in a year or more. I almost called in sick to Christmas. My relatives are nice people, and I knew they'd never say "Wow, you sure got fat again," but I didn't care. I knew they'd probably think it. I wound up going to Christmas, but I started pounding beers as soon as possible. Each drink helped me to put away the shame, so I could talk to my family.

God, what a mess.

I've been waiting to be ready to start it all over again. I ponder what I did wrong before, and what I did right. I try to get inspired, to remember what got me fired up in 2007 when this all started. Back then, it was the inability to put my shoes on without getting winded, the headaches, and having a revolving credit line at Lane Bryant. Well, that's all back. Okay, maybe not the line of credit at Lane Bryant, but I've shopped there recently.

So there it is. I weigh 286 pounds, and as I type this, I'm wearing the very same fat pants I held up so triumphantly in this picture:

Once again, I'm back to square one. I've been down both the thin road and the fat road. Even though the thin road may be more difficult to travel on, the air is more clear and its scenery is certainly more pleasant. The clothes fit and the physical limitations are virtually gone. I can breathe when I'm on the thin road.

Forgive the cheesy metaphor, but it's the way things are. So, here we go again.

29 comments:

Glad to see that you are back. I think now you'll just have to look forward and not back. You have a journey in front of you and we'll be cheering you on every step of the way! Sorry to hear about your grandma. Mine just passed away last week. I know how tough it is.

i'm so glad to see you're back at it! i was talking to someone just the other day about how much harder it is to lose after a significant regain. for me, i didn't really think that i COULD do it the first time... and then i actually did and it was awesome. but now that i've gained back a significant amount, it seems a million times harder... because i know i CAN do it... and i also know how easy i can let it all fall apart again.

and big hugs on the loss of your grandma... i lost mine in august and think about her all the time, too.

i look forward to seeing you progress... and i'll be right there with you. here's to 2010 being much much better than 2009!

So glad you're back and you're so brave for posting this. It's all small victories. And just posting this is one of them. Take pride in that. You can't change what happened. You can only move forward. So sorry about your grandma.

So glad you are back! Before the journey was exciting because it was new and you were meeting new milestones around every corner. Now, the journey is going to seem long and laborious. Like doing a long run on the treadmill - you remember - it is torture!! One step at a time. Set small goals and celebrate those. I have been there and promise you that you can do it. You are strong...you can beat the lies your head is telling you!

i'm really glad you're back, morgan. you can totally do it again & do it better the 2nd time around b/c now you've had practice. just one bite, one walk, one positive thought at a time. happy new year! 2010 is going to be full of great things.

I agree with everyone else, that this was a brave post to write and publish - I know it must be hard to go public on regaining the weight, and it would have been much easier to just disappear altogether, but you didn't! I know this is very little consolation, but I really believe that once you settle into it (which is hard, I know!), this time will be easier for you because this time you know you can get the weight off, whereas last time you probably didn't always believe it. Plus you now have the 'muscle memory' that will allow you to be more active sooner.Don't be too hard on yourself for being human, that will only make it harder for you to treat yourself well and believe you deserve to lose the weight - which you definitely do. Best of luck for 2010!

i am so incredibly impressed that you came back and posted that. i'm sure it's not much of a comfort, but at least you're back at square one, not fifty pounds heavier, which happens so often (happened to me last time i lost!).

and i'm so sorry for your loss. i'd wondered about your grandmother, knowing that you visited her frequently and loved her so much. you'll get her ring back on.

I have been on the road to weight loss for more than a decade. Maybe this year we can do it right, together. I read your posts for inspiration and for a reality check! I am glad you are back. I can relate to you and your struggles. I had to examine everything when I decided to change for health reasons. My romantic relationships, friendships, job, etc. and finally decided I gave the best to everyone else and my health has suffered for it. Let 2010 be the year we put our health first and draw appropriate boundaries and dump the secret saboteurs in our lives no matter who they are.

Morgan I am so glad that you are getting back to the business of getting to feeling good about yourself. It doesn't matter how much you weight, it's how you feel about yourself. You were so confident in yourself when you reached you goal. I hope that you reach that goal in the coming year. You are so worth it! You are awesome. You are loved. Love yourself! You can do this! You are stronger than you think you are. Believe in you. Put yourself first.

I have gone through this phase many times and am still learning how to avoid the re-gain... it's so hard to live one healthy life then kind of go back to normal. You will figure the journey out! Let us know how we can help :)

Thank you for posting. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one back at square one. I work with the public and people watched me lose the weight and then promptly put it back on. So frustrating and embarrassing! I'm feeling slightly motivated and my clothes are much too tight so let's do this. We did it before, we can do it again.

"Good calories, bad Calories" by Gary Taubes really changed how I felt about myself and my repeated regaining of weight. I urge you to at least read the Amazon reviews of his book. I am still fat. It did not change that. But I now understand why I have regained the weight 4 times (each time a little fatter than the last time - at 230 lbs as I write this). If I am ever going to take off the weight and keep it off I am going to have to permanently restrict how many carbs I eat every day. I am getting my head around that fact. I just spent the last two months regaining the 20 lbs I had taken off in the prior few months. It comes back on for me as quickly as it comes off and I know that if I someday give up the fight, I would continue to grow to the muu-muu stage. My metabolism doesn't allow me to eat the standard american diet and not have the subsequent result of overeating and gaining weight.

there are some things we do alone in the is life - we are born and we die. it has been documented that some people are unable to die when their loved ones are in the room - it is too difficult for them to leave. so they wait to be by themselves to die. just a bit of fyi when you are feeling badly about not being with your grandma.

i believe with the anti-depressants, people gain weight as the pills make it so you just don't care that much about the weight and in time of grief, food is there and thus comes the weight.

your re-gain of weight shows that you are like 98% of people who lose weight - they regain it - you are a real person.

2010 looks like it is shaping up to be a better year for you - go get 'em!