Bon Jovi and the like

Wednesday, May 2, 2007 - Posted by Amanda Bast

Dear (insert 50+ year old rockstar's name here),

You're old. You need to let go. Things will never be like they were in the 80s. I don't care if you still have a full head of hair. It's dyed blonde, and spikey. No normal sixty-year old man has naturally blonde and spikey hair. It's just wrong.

I would like to address your clothing choices as well. Tight pants are not in unless you are female or emo. You are neither, so give yourself some room. Your much younger wife won't be so grateful when you can't impregnate her with your love child, so do her a favour and wear some Dockers, like the rest of your age bracket does.

I also think you can't sing. You look like you're in pain, and it sounds like it too. Voice lessons won't help you. Neither will organic tea and honey. You'll be doing us all a favour if you just give up.

I hope you take this advice to heart, and step down gracefully. We all remember you, and we still love your music. Quit overdoing it.