Ask Derwood

This month’s letter comes from Walter Crayons of Landtown, Western Australia. Walter writes: Dear Derwood, I do not mean to cause alarm but there has been a bear dressed as a post box standing outside my house for quite some time. His disguise is ingeniously cunning in that he has painted him

This month’s letter comes from Stephanie Biscuits of New Texas, California. Stephanie writes: Dear Derwood, After watching the premiere of Ghostbusters at the local Cinematorium, I went to buy a milkshake with my friend at the corner milkbar. Unfortunately while crossing the street my friend b

This month’s letter comes from Benjamin Hathead of Pickleton, Western Australia. Dear Derwood, I am a big fan of the barter system. It is amazing what you can buy in return for your own natural skills and ingenuity. For example just last month I bought a new car without any money whatsoever! I

This month’s letter comes from Marcus Foo of Ferntree, North Brekfuss. Dear Derwood, My pet dog has recently become very lethargic. He shows little interest in fetching a ball, his nose is conspicuously dry and light-shaped, his legs have become bony, round and have halved in number, and he rarely

This month’s letter comes from Henry Tastic of Bread, Nebraska. Henry writes: Dear Derwood, Is it true that if I stare at it hard enough, the sun will give me magic powers? So far all I have acquired is blindness. It’s pretty good but I would not call it magic. Henry Tastic. Dear Henr

This month’s letter comes from Polly Armhand of West Turkey, America. Polly writes: Dear Derwood, I recently attended the theatre to see a show. It was terrible. The storyline lacked flow, the character development was non-existent and the lead actor was hardly believable. I could not wait for

This month’s letter comes from Melvin Eggshoe of New Jersey, Spain. Dear Derwood, If you have X-ray vision and you look into a mirror, do you see your own insides or the insides of the mirror? This is freaking me out. Sincerely, Melvin Eggshoe. Dear Melvin, Mmm, X-Ray vision – the

This month’s letter comes from Eustace Woonie of Melbourne, Australia. Eustace writes: Dear Derwood, As a shy introverted type, I do not venture outdoors much unless very hungry or if my house is on fire but on a rare journey into town something odd happened. I went to a cafe, which I have don

This month’s letter comes from Terrance Carrots from West Adelaide, Queensland. Terrance writes: Dear Derwood, It has recently occurred to me that whatever company manufactured and sold Scooby Snacks had the smallest of niche markets possible – one dog. And sure he liked them. He liked t

This month’s letter comes from Randolph Sack of Texas, France. Randolph writes: Dear Derwood, I seem to bleed a lot from my ears. Is this normal? It sure hurts a lot and my shoulder-sitting parrot is frightened. What should I do? Regards, Randolph Sack. Dear Randolph, Yes, parrots are e