Tuesday, April 12, 2016

A Southern Woman's Tips To Dating A Yankee

As any right-as-rain Southerner, we
pride ourselves in sticking to “our own kind” but, some of who
want a little more out of life than the Southern mentality, find
ourselves doing the exact opposite of “I'll never date a Yankee.”
From personal, recent and everyday experience, I can assure you that
dating a Yankee, is quite a trip... (Truth is a Yankee man is like a
drink of cool water, the stupidity of southern men gets old (no
offense boys, this is all in making the butt of a joke.).)Those
Yankees are funny critters once ya get to know 'em. In fact I thought
I'd offer a little down home advice to my southern sisters that find
themselves in a relationship with a Yankee:

TIPS FOR DATING A YANKEE

After years of gastrointestinal
evolution, we southerners have developed special coating on our
intestines to handle the “fire” of our down-home cooking.
Ladies, Yankee men absolutely cannot handle the southern heat, so if
you plan to cook for him, turn down the heat or else he's gonna
bleed in places he didn't know he could.

We may talk slower than molasses
running uphill in the winter but at the end of the day when our
southern wit leaves 'em speechless, just keep quiet while they throw
“winning the war” in our faces, because the truth is that's the
only retaliation they have when you get under their Yankee skin like
a fillet knife in a channel cat.

Learn to talk about three clicks
faster. Yankee men get lost after the first five words due to those
slow southern pauses. Try to take out as many commas as possible, it
will help the Yankee process what you're saying. Remember they have
to contend with deciphering your drawl as well. God bless those
little Yankee hearts.

Don't punch him on the first,
second, third or ever date. Yankee men don't like knowing a woman
can be as high handed and equally powerful in inflicting pain or
damage. (Southern men know a good southern woman can hold her own,
but Yankees haven't a knack for being hit by a “girl”.) If ya do
hit him, make sure to follow it with a “ouch that hurt my hand”
even if it didn't. Ya gotta learn to stroke a Yankee's ego
differently. (Course any Yankee antagonizing a southern woman ain't got the
good sense God gave a rock.)

Don't laugh at “their” idea of
sweet tea. I know, I know, its not even sweet... But that's how they
like it, they can't handle our spice or our sugar, so just give 'em
everything nice.

When he asks for the remote he's
actually talking about the clicker, don't correct him, just hand it
to him.

When you say “yes sir and no
sir” be prepared to defend yourself for calling a 20 something
year old man elderly for saying “sir”.

Don't yell at your Yankee man for
not taking his shoes off or lifting up the seat, even if it makes ya
madder than a mule chewin on bumblebees. They don't know any better.
They never had their tails chased after stomping all over mama's
clean floors, nor did they ever have their hide tanned like a new
pair of boots after leaving dribble for their little sister to sit
in. Politely mention it. (Besides Yankee neighbors will mistake your
bloody murdered scream for an actual murder and call the police.)

When complimenting your Yankee
don't say “you're more desirable than a glob of butter melting on
pancakes” or he'll think you just called him fat and then he'll
blame your southern cooking for that. (Eventually your southern
cooking will be to blame for making your Yankee and all his Yankee
friends fat.)

When attending a wedding or
funeral with your Yankee man, be advised that these occasions are
not in celebration or mourning they are simply used as excuses for
getting twisted-an-ankle, eyes-like-a-coon, commode-hugging drunk.
Your Yankee loves his Fireball just like you but cannot handle near
as much as a southern man... Be prepared to drive home with a
hiccuping hilarious drunk.

Don't open the windows at night
before going to bed. While you may have done this most of your life
to evade the Southern heat, your Yankee man will be upset to wake up with two feet of snow inside the house........in April......possibly
even May......

When you notice your Yankee man
picking up some of your twang, it is not, I repeat, it is NOT
because you are rubbing off onto him. He is picking fun at you. The
best way to handle this is to turn up that drawl thick and lay on
those Yankee jokes so thick he isn't sure if he wants to go home and
cry to his mama or marry ya!

Don't interfere in your Yankee
man's finances. I know you could squeeze a quarter so tight the
eagle screams, but if the man spends it on Budlight, then he's ah
spendin it right!

Roll your eyes at him frequently,
Yankee men hate it but come to appreciate it. He picks at everything
you say and you eye-roll at everything he says, it turns into the
cutest interaction. When he takes it too far though, can his lunch
in a mason jar like grandmama's homemade peach preserves and wait
for that hungry Yankee to come home from work expecting a good
dinner. Turn up the heat ladies, turn up the heat, make sure ya bake
him a nice pie afterwards so that he has no idea whats coming
tomorrow.

Allow your Yankee man to prune you
into a fashionable northernish lady (don't worry he knows he can't
take the rebel out of ya) and then prune him back into a mannerly
young man with a touch of the appreciation for God giving him a
little southern girl. Eventually the two of ya will go together like
a happy tick on a fat dog.

Thanks for reading Straight Southern
today, for more Southerner/Yankee relationship advice be on the
lookout for the upcoming article “Taking Your Yankee Home to Mama.”

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