A blog written in the dead of night and delivered to you in a brown paper bag. It’s a cornucopia of tidbits, rants, and observations for the discerning eye. Good luck with all that. Now, for something completely different!

There have been many ways and ideas to honor past Presidents when there terms are over. A reward of sorts for what we think of their service to the nation. If a San Francisco group has its way, there could be the George W. Bush Sewage Plant, according to The New York Times. A group called the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco has been collecting signatures to rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant after Bush upon his exit from office next year. This must be a reflection of Bush’s staunch environmental stands. The plan, conceived in a bar, not much of a surprise there, would place a vote on the November ballot to offer “an appropriate honor for a truly unique president,” the group told the Times. Supporters said that they have enough signatures to qualify the measure. It probably only took about an hour. Surely an idea of this quality can’t fail. Whether it is successful or not, the group wants supporters to participate in a “synchronized flush” when the new president is inaugurated on Jan. 20 to send a flood of water toward the plant. Wash away the old, bring in the new.

MAN ARRESTED AT NORTH POLE FOR DRIVING LAWNMOWER DRUNK

I’m not sure how this happens since I didn’t know they had lawns that far north, but in North Pole, Alaska, Wyatt Lewis has been arrested for driving a lawnmower drunk. Alaskan State Troopers received a call early on Sunday complaining of an intoxicated man driving a mower. When they tried to stop him, he led them on a low-speed chase. The chase lasted about 61 metres and reached speeds of up to 5 mph before a trooper got out of a cruiser and told the man to stop. I’m betting that was a tough arrest. They said Wyatt Lewis’s blood-alcohol content was 0.18 per cent, more than twice the legal limit of 0.08 per cent. There’s nothing like drinking and lawnmowing. Is there really grass up there? I thought it was all tundra or something…perpetual ice and snow. Why does someone even own a lawnmower? Driving a lawnmower while drunk qualifies for a driving under the influence charge in the US. Lewis was also charged with failure to stop at the direction of a peace officer. He allegedly led them on a pursuit that covered several lawns. Maybe he was trying to be nice and give his neighbors’ lawns a trim too. Apparently, trying to outrun a cop on a lawnmower is illegal too. Don’t Drink and mow.

OBAMA PICKS UP DIETY ENDORSEMENT

Politicians like to get endorsements from influential figures, but the gods themselves? A dozen priests have been chanting around a sacred fire in New Dehli as a group of Indians offered prayers to the Hindu monkey god Hanuman to grant victory to Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. Isn’t this the same God we reported on a couple of weeks ago that the made the head of a college? Apparently he’s getting around. Several dozen people attended the prayers held at a Hanuman temple saying they believed an Obama victory would bring positive change around the world. This takes getting religion on your side to a whole new level. Local businessman Brij Mohan Bhama, who organised the event, said a victory would be good for India and the rest of world “because he stands for change” and would help stem growing “price rises, poverty and terrorism.” “We have heard that he carries a small monkey charm in his pocket. So he is a devotee of Hanuman. That’s why we want to present him with this idol,” he said. Well Barack, now that you’ve got the Monkey God in your corner, what’s next, walking on bananas?

COP TURNS OUT TO BE PRETENDER

In the town of Gerald, Missouri a police officer was hired that really wasn’t a cop. Bill Jakob, had a badge and a gun, and he told officials he had previously worked as an anti-drug agent in Illinois. He even drove a fully equipped Ford Crown Victoria, which he said was for undercover work. Guess what? He was lying. The 36-year-old man was an unemployed truck driver with a criminal record and had recently filed for bankruptcy. Oops. Big Oops. So big that now the Gerald police force is in deep doo doo. Now this village is confronting allegations that Jakob and other officers mistreated and robbed many of the people they arrested. At least 17 people have sued, and Jakob is in jail awaiting charges. At least he’s off the street now. Doesn’t this mean that everyone he arrested and were convicted had a mistrial.Complaints about Jakob’s rough treatment of suspects led a reporter from the Gasconade County Republican newspaper to ask the sheriff about the new officer. That’s when they discovered he was an imposter. Gerald Mayor Otis Schulte defended Jakob’s hiring, saying: “He had credentials. He had a badge. He had a phone number to call for verification. I don’t know what else we could have done.” Don’t they do background checks? Maybe a little peek into their own database. You’d think that criminal record might have popped up. It would have saved them lots of grief.

PAINTING LEFT A GOODWILL STORE SELLS FOR BIG MONEY

Somtimes it pays to look through those thrift stores. You never know what might turn up. The Parisian street scene, what was thought to be a piece of junk art, left at a store in Maryland last March along with daily donations of pots, pans, old clock radios and other items, turned out to be a work by Edouard-Leon Cortes, probably from the early 20th century. In other words, a serious collector’s item, a museum piece. The painting, called “Marche aux fleurs” or “Flower Market,” was sold for $40,600 at a Sotheby’s auction a few weeks ago. I guess they missed that one on the Antiques Roadshow. “It could have very easily ended up put in a pile, marked for $20,” says Ursula Villar, marketing and development director for Goodwill Industries of the Chesapeake Inc. Store manager Terri Tonelli said employees asked her to look at the donated painting because they suspected it was valuable. She found the artist’s name on Google and discovered that Cortes was a notable French Impressionist whose work had sold at auction for prices near $60,000. You gotta love google. If the owner of the painting wants the money, too bad. You blew it. Goodwill says it doesn’t keep track of donors. Donations, meanwhile, are gifts that are considered legal and final transactions. Look at the bright side, it went to a good cause. It pays to pay attention to what you’re throwing away.

Well, the Democratic Party may actually be beginning to find itself on the same page. In an announcement today, Bill Clinton’s people communicated to Obama’s people that he might be willing to help where he can to get Obama elected. Obama and Hillary Clinton are to appear thi weekend in New Hampshire for the beginning of a series of appearances which will be akin to the Barack and Hillary roadshow. Actually this may be a glimpse into the future if Obama is smart enough to choose Hillary Rodham Clinton as his running mate. But then again, I don’t think smart is how would term anything about all of the campaigns so far. Though the Democrats seem to have the upper hand, it’s stil a long way to November. It is not certain when the former president will join the tour, but hopefully he will bring his saxaphone a long for some light entertainment. It could become a YouTube hit. Obama spokesman Bill Burton said the 42nd president came up in a phone call between Obama and Hillary Clinton on Sunday. They talked about how Obama should connect with Bill Clinton in the future, Burton said. Bill Clinton extended his support to Obama for the first time Tuesday in a one-sentence statement from spokesman Matt McKenna. “President Clinton is obviously committed to doing whatever he can and is asked to do to ensure Senator Obama is the next president of the United States,” McKenna said.It’s not clear what Obama might ask him to do. The campaign wasn’t specific when asked. “A unified Democratic Party is going to be a powerful force for change this year and we’re confident President Clinton will play a big role in that,” was all Burton would say. Of course not everything is all rosie and happy. Obama’s wife has some pretty strong feelings about the former president. Michelle said of the former president in an interview with The New Yorker magazine, “I want to rip his eyes out!” before adding, “Kidding!” That’s rather strong for a joke. As you can see this team-up for Barackapalooza should be about as entertaining as putting Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse in the same room and telling them there’s no booze. It just doesn’t work. The in-fighting between these four will be hard to forget and I really don’t believe that it’s water under the bridge. In public all smiles, backstage Fleetwood Mac. We’ll see how long this lasts.

KIDS PROTEST GAS PRICES, SET EXAMPLE FOR ADULTS

Everybody is complaining, but nobody is doing anything about it. Gas Prices are too high. So are you just going to take it lying down? Sadie and Pyper Vance from Salt Lake City, Utah have had just about enough of high gas prices. The sisters are still years away from being old enough to drive, but that doesn’t mean the $4 per gallon price tag isn’t hitting them as hard as anyone else. Cable TV was one of the family’s budget-cutting casualties, leaving Sadie, 9, and her 7-year-old sister without their favorite cartoons and shows. Ouch, no cable. Well they didn’t take it lying down like everyone else has. No, they decided to protest. “Gas prices are too high,” Sadie said. “I just decided to come and protest so they’d go down.” That’s the American way. The girls marched through downtown Monday chanting and carrying signs made from old campaign signs. “All of my mom’s monny goes to the gas tank!” Pyper’s sign read. Sadie carried a sign asking drivers to honk to lower gas prices — adding that her mom had to cut “cabel.” They received some shows of support, but no one actually joined in which I think is a no brainer. “I think it’s great,” said Hamid Tayeb, who was walking past on his lunch break. “It’s unfortunate that kids are doing it before we do.” Yea, I do too. Where’s your sign? Where’s your protest? We could all learn a thing or two from these kids.

HORRIBLE TRAGEDY IN MUNICH

I am officially in mourning. I will be wearing black for the next week. A terrible tragedy occurred in Munich, Germany, a load of beer crashed on the highway creating a small beer lake. I’ve lowered my flag to half-mast. I mean we’re talking 200 crates! German beer, this isn’t Bud Light here. Munich police say the truck was transporting the beer from the Bavarian capital to a neighboring town Monday evening when siding on the truck’s trailers broke. I think the driver should be prosecuted for alcohol abuse. He didn’t take proper precautions to protect this precious shipment. The brewery suffered losses of some 10,000 Euro in the beer tragedy. Bottles crashed onto the highway flooding it with foamy wheat beer and disrupting traffic for 90 minutes. My hands are shaking, I can’t write about it any more. There may even be tears.

GOD BUSTED SELLING DRUGS NEAR CHURCH

It’s a sad day, God has been busted selling cocaine near a church in Tampa, Florida. It appears he may be spending quite a stint in jail. God Lucky Howard was taken into custody Saturday after police said he sold cocaine to undercover detectives within 1,000 feet of a church. God’s luck ran out. He’ll be the one praying now. Police also reported finding another 22 grams of cocaine and a scale at his home. Praying hard. Howard was charged with several counts of possession and distribution within 1,000 feet of a school, public housing and the church. God Not-so- Lucky Howard is being held on a bond of $86,500. Get your friends to pass the collection plate. In case you were wondering, a picture of God is below.

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL TEARS KOBE BRYANT UP IN A NIGHTCLUB RAP

I don’t know which one is worse Shaq or Kobe. Their arrogance is incredible. This video shot over the weekend has Shaq rapping and asking Kobe how his ass tastes. Great. This is just what we need from our star athletes. It appears from the video that Kobe gave Shaq a hard time in LA and was intrumental in his leaving. Like we didn’t know that. Well Shaq has taken glee in Kobe and the Lakers’ self destruction and lets the world know in the rap below. “I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever,” O’Neal told ESPN.com Monday. A call to the Suns on Tuesday seeking comment from O’Neal was referred to his public relations firm, which didn’t immediately respond.

It seems that teenagers of the British royal monarchy aren’t immune to some wild and crazy college antics. Princess Eugenie, god that’s an awful name, the 18-year-old daughter of Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and Sarah Ferguson, was apprehended for her involvement in end of term “high jinks” at the exclusive Marlborough College, west of London. Yes they are actually terming it “High Jinks.” Leave it to the Brits. A royal source told the Press Association: “It was nothing more than high jinks at the end of term in May. A group of them were reprimanded and that’s the end of the matter.” Not quite. Those of us in the media that find these things endlessly humorous tend to sit back and make sure our readers get to see the fun as well. A college staff member was woken by playful shrieks and found several young women dancing around without clothes. There was no suggestion boys were present or that drugs were involved, but a pupil said the students had been drinking. Nothing like a good college party to pitch the inhibitions. I can see it now, a new video, Princess Gone Wild. Eugenie is suppossed to be attending the Queen’s birthday celebration this weekend. You can bet what the topic of conversation’s going to be. Naked, drunk and in the tabloids, thanks for the birthday present.

MAN CHANGES NAME TO “IN GOD WE TRUST.”

Hi, My name is In God, What’s yours? A school bus driver and amateur artist from the Chicago suburb of Zion has legally changed his name to “In God We Trust.” A Lake County circuit court judge approved Steve Kreuscher’s name change petition on Friday. This is one that simply should have been turned down. The man, formerly known as Steve, had his first name changed to “In God,” while his last name was changed to “We Trust.” He says the new name symbolizes the help God gave him during tough times and says he can’t wait to begin signing his artwork with the new moniker. Wait until he tries to cash a check or sign a credit card slip. Good luck with that.

BEN STILLER CREATES A VIRAL VIDEO…WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS!

MARCUS VICK IN TROUBLE – I WANNA BE LIKE MIKE

What is it with this family? Does everybody just like the idea of being incarcerated? Now Michael Vick’s younger brother Marcus is in trouble…again. I guess he wants to join his brother on his prison football team since the Miami Dolphins dropped him like a hot potato. Police said a uniformed bicycle patrol officer observed Vick and a female involved in an altercation in a car around 2 a.m. The officer asked if his assistance was needed, then asked Vick for his driver’s license. Police say Vick then sped away, but was stopped minutes later. Vick failed a field sobriety test and was charged with DUI, misdemeanor eluding police, reckless driving, driving on the wrong side of the road and driving on a suspended license. The passenger, Delicia Cordon of Miami, Fla., was charged with being drunk in public. Where does any of this sound fun? Another promising football career shot in the butt, I guess there’s little else. I just don’t get these guys. Both of them had it made and they just threw it away. It doesn’t say much for their IQ.

A video has been released showing Amy Winehouse in a crack dive singing racist songs. Now this isn’t much of a revelation since most of us already knew she was on crack. The interesting thing about his video is that she may be prosecuted for it. The video which was filmed by her husband Blake in 2007, currently in jail, showed the troubled singer sitting by a table, spread with what has been reported as heroin and drug paraphernalia. Actually, I’m surprised she hasn’t used it in one of her music videos. “Why I’m not going to rehab no, no, no.” This evidence has come into light just days after Britain’s top police officer, Sir Ian Blair, called for celebrities caught snorting drugs on camera to be put on trial. Since the evidence is so ovewherlming in Winehouse’s case she may become a test for Blair’s theory. “My position is that a sensible jury would not expect people to be sniffing talcum powder.” Recently the star has been getting publicity as going to rehab and getting her life back in order, though I for one am not buying her reformed attitude. The video shows exactly how much of a disaster she is. But this new kink in the life of bizzarro Amy certainly could put her back into tailspin mode. She has been making noise about wanting to be a mommy so she can join the ranks of Michael Jackson and Brittney Spears as disfuntional celebrities that should never be allowed to reproduce. Can you see her and Blake trying to raise a kid. It makes you shudder.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN – THE OPERA?

Here’s a genius concept. Let’s turn Brokeback Mountain into an opera. Yes, plans are in the works to convert the academy award winning film into an opera. I can hardly wait, singing cowboys, yuck. The New York City Opera commissioned Charles Wuorinen to compose an opera based on “Brokeback Mountain,” the 1997 short story by Annie Proulx. “Ever since encountering Annie Proulx’s extraordinary story I have wanted to make an opera on it, and it gives me great joy that Gerard Mortier and New York City Opera have given me the opportunity to do so,” Wuorinen said in a statement. They’re aiming for a release date of 2013. Hey aren’t people saying the world will end in 2012? Well maybe that’s the bright side to that, we won’t have to put up with this opera.

COLLEGE INSTATES MONKEY GOD AS CHAIRMAN

I’m not sure how good of an idea this is. Hanuman, the popular god known for his strength and valor, has been named official chairman of the recently opened SardarBhagat Singh College of Technology and Management in northern India, a school official said Saturday. Has anyone looked at his resume. He’s a monkey god! Monkeys like mischief, not business. “It is our belief that any job that has the blessings of Lord Hanuman is bound to be a success,” said Vivek Kangdi. Blessing, yes, actually running the show, not well thought out. The position comes with an incense-filled office, a desk and a laptop computer. Four chairs will be placed facing the empty seat reserved for the chairman and all visitors must enter the office barefoot, said Kangdi, the school’s vice chairman. It seems to me it is going to make it awfully hard to get any decisions here. “When we were looking for a chairman for our institution, we scanned many big names in the field of technology and management. Ultimately, we settled for Lord Hanuman, as none was bigger than him,” Kangdi said. I think next time they should consider an employment service. Though I expect the monkey god works for bananas.

METAL BAR IN MAN’S HEAD

Donovan McGowan lived with the piece of metal inside him for three months after an operation. You would think he’d have done something about this sooner. It’s not like you can’t notice this. The 18-year-old suffered from blinding headaches and also had an unsightly lump on the side of his head. Eventually, he demanded a scan and it was then doctors found the bar. Duh, It’s right there. They said, “This is quite embarrassing but there is something metallic like a tube still in your head. It’s been more than embarrassing for me having to walk about with this lump,” said Mr McGowan, from Glasgow,Scotland. I bet it made it hard to pick up girls. The rod was left behind during an operation at Southern General Hospital, Glasgow, in March after he was hit by a car. From his picture he looks like still has part of the fender in his head.

I'm an Author, Journalist, Columnist, Photographer, Editor and Publisher and have been writing for about 30 years. For several years I published my own magazine about Michigan's Upper Peninsula. I live in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan. Currently I've been blogging around the internet - MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT MY OTHER HUMOR BLOG "What Were They Thinking?" AT: http://mikelclassen.wordpress.comTo learn more about the writer behind the blog, go his website at www.mikelclassen.com Sign the guestbook while you're there.