ASK GASE 11.01.13

I’m a young lady aged 22 and have been seeing a guy for almost a year and a half now.

I love this guy so much and never for once has he told me he loves me.

This breaks my heart so much and I don’t know what to do because when I ask him why he never tells me he loves me he says I can see that he loves me.

Even if he did something bad he makes it my fault all the time and I have to apologize for his wrong doings.

I seem not to understand why this guy never tells me he loves me and it breaks my heart even more, please help me in whichever way because I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

GASE SAYS

ANSWER

How did you end up with a guy who has never once told you he loves you? Oh, so when you ask him why he never tells you that he loves you, he says you can see that he does…but can you?

It seems to me that you can’t really “see” it, and need him to reassure you by telling you that he does.

You have to understand that people are different; some express their feelings freely while others find it difficult to say those three little words.

However, dating someone for +-18 months and never once saying “I love you” is an extreme case and is a really questionable situation for a romantic relationship!

Why do you think this guy never tells you he loves you? Is it because he loves you but for some reason finds it difficult to say it, or is it because he simply doesn’t love you?

I believe deep down you know the answer to that; you’re the one who is in a relationship with him, you know him better.It’s very disturbing that some women will often allow men to abuse them, and then turn around and play the victim.

If you know that he blames his bad behaviour on you all the time, why do you then apologize for his wrong doings?

Don’t you understand that by so doing you’re allowing yourself to be abused emotionally? What goes on in your mind when you allow yourself to be faulted for someone else’s bad behaviour?

If you’re doing it to keep the peace, then you’re going about it the wrong way. Don’t be surprised if he starts taking you for a fool.

You’ve more than once in your email mentioned being broken hearted.

I really empathise with you but please understand that much as it hurts, it’s better to face the facts than to remain in denial.

If you really want to spend the rest of your life with him like you say, then you need to understand that the only way you can make that relationship or marriage work is if you stop acting like a doormat.

Stop apologizing for his wrong doings; only apologize for your own. Find out the real reason why he never tells you that he loves you; ask him again if you have to.

At the age of 22, you’re a grown woman…if he doesn’t want to be honest with you, figure it out for yourself…surely that can’t be all that difficult?

Please write back if you’re still confused and I will do my best to spell it out for you some more.

SHE DOESN’T COOK

DEAR GASE

Gase does it serve well for the girl I love to not cook for me from January to December and only want us to eat out though when she comes to my place I cook for her!?

I used to help her buy food when she wasn’t working; she now has a job but even when there is food in her house she doesn’t want to cook; she prefers junk food from fast-food outlets, which she knows I don’t like!

I have talked to friends on my side but I have none of her friends to talk to because she doesn’t want me to know them or to be friends with them! Give me a counsellor’s contacts please, thanks.

GASE SAYS

ANSWER

Hi there. Sorry for the late response. We were closed for the festive season and only re-opened on Jan 7.

It’s worrisome that you cook for her when she visits yet she doesn’t want to do the same for you when you visit her, but rather prefers to eat out.

Maybe she’s lazy to cook or she thinks it’s classy to eat out, even if it’s junk food!.

By the way, when the two of you eat out, who pays for all that junk food that she wants to eat all year long?

I hope she doesn’t mind footing the bill since she’s the one who prefers to eat out.

It’s also disturbing that she doesn’t want you to know or get close to her friends.

What kind of a future do you think will be in store for you with a partner whose friends you don’t know?

If you were to marry her, would her friends not come to your home?

Would she only then begin to introduce them to you or would she prefer to always go out and meet them somewhere outside your home?

You need to discuss all these issues with her so that you can get answers.

You can contact a counsellor at Heart & Hands of Compassion on 7351 6022, or call Lifeline Botswana on 3911290.