There is way more to me than just a life with Cystic Fibrosis, but its a huge part of my life, it affects everything i can do! Somedays i hate CF others i just get on with it! This is my life, my story, the way i deal with CF and the way it affects me! So read with an open mind, don't judge me or feel sorry for me! i'm stronger than you think and i'll keep fighting till the very end!!

Sunday, 1 July 2012

I feel like i've lost myself!

Where the bloody hell as Joey gone, i can't seem to find myself this week, one minute i'm crying, next i'm laughing. I've learn't to cry n pull myself together so know one knows its happened to be honest. I love driving, driving is my time to think and clear my head, lately it's been the thing keeping me sane, i love just getting in the car when im on my own, it's me the open road my tunes and i sing at top of my voice, it's no wonder it's rained all week!! Sorry everyone, but hey i was enjoying myself!! :)

I've not blogged since the skydive, so it's probably why i feel a little bit screwed up at the moment, i used to writing everything down on here and keeping a clear and positive mind about life. This week was my wedding anniversary and my birthday, the first without my husband, the only way i can describe how i feel about it is sadness, i was sad that 3 years ago i was so truely happy, i had the best day of my life and i am sad that we just didn't work.

I still don't really understand how we went wrong, what happened or what changed but i know i fell out of love with him long before we actually split up, i thought that loving him was enough, now i know it wasn't. What if i make the same mistakes again, one day hopefully i'll find love again, i don't wanna be alone, although i do love having my bed to myself, i just miss having someone there to put there arms around me. Part of me will always love him, i'll never forget our life together but i think i'm finally in a place where i can let go of it. My wedding anniversary i cried because, well because i'm human i guess, i know steve won't of cried, christ i would need stick pins in his eyes to make that happen but hey we all deal with shit differently. I've always been lil emotional, i say it like it is, i say it straight down the line, what u see is what u get, n if i cry, well deal with it cuz i'm not gonna change me for no one.

I don't like the person i've been this last week though, Lately i've felt like i've not been in control of my own life, like i've been controlled or been doing stuff to make other people happy and i forgot about myself. I'm the god damn important one in my life and i need to remember my life it's all about me!! May sound a little selfish, but aint we all, i need to surround myself with people who make me happy and i need to do things my way. I got lost and now i've got to find my way back. Tonight i'm hoping getting all this off my chest will help.

Had naughty little lungs tonight, they had a bleed, but it was controlled, coughed up n over, i don't let crap like that stop me, i take the pills n tomorrow i will restart the nebs n i will fix myself, i think its been last few days of me virus just causing me little agro cuz i been stressed n back at work. I had a great 2 weeks off work, although i missed my monsoon girls who really do help to keep me saine, they probably have no idea how much i need them all and love them so much but i do. You'd think that a shop full of 15 girls working together would be a bitchy environment but it's really not, we all have such a good time together and i have the best nights out with them.

We went out a few weeks ago for Sammie's birthday and had a great night, we got 6 bottles of champagne for free cuz i stalked the DJ a little!! :) he was cute though! n then we got another 2 in liquid cuz one of the girls knows the assistant manager, i was out from 8pm and rolled in at 4.30 am. I actually looked at my clock at 10 to 4 and said to Sammie why r we still here!! lol xx We had the best time though and was worth the lil hangover the next day!!

If u were to ask my parents where i been last few weeks, they'd say "out" i had a nasty virus which stopped me in my tracks for a few days at the start of my weeks off but i soon kicked that in to touch and decided i wasn't letting it ruin my time off, i was so impressed after feeling crappy with the virus for two weeks that my lung function still kicked ass, so i was happy girl, lung function was still 46%. So I spent time with friends and had a smile on my face for a few reasons, i was happy, then who knows what happened, monday was my birthday and from the night onwards i've not been the girl that i know n i love. I've felt lost! It's like a little psycho popped out of me and i don't know how to put her away, she freaked me out and scared me and made me act strange. Me the real me is calm and laid back, at moment i feel like i'm living on the shortest fuse! I don't actually recognize myself, i went to sunbed the other day purely to calm myself down. Sunbeds always make me feel happy! :) but i can't afford them each day, although i will be going tomorrow, gotta get tan back i was going pale n looking ill. So if anyone has seen the real me please send her back to me, cuz i miss her.

I'm used to be so together, i keep my cards close to my chest and i'm very careful who i let in and to what part of my life. Everyone knows i talk alot, in fact i get in trouble for talking all time at work. But I judge people on what i think they will understand about me, i'm a complex lil chick n some people, people who i'm really close to just don't get my CF, but that's ok, i'll tell them what they need to know, when they need to know it, there r some people i wouldn't talk to about my relationships because i'd never want them to know, then there are some people i would like to let in and for them to one day know everything, but i'm too scared too, so i just talk random crap and avoid subjects because it just makes life easier.

Maybe it;s because i haven't actually been shopping this week i'm not my happy joey self, maybe thats what i should do tomorrow. As well as sort out my belated birthday nightout for next saturday.

Well im hoping now i've kinda got some crap out my head i'll be able to sleep well tonight and wake up as me again tomorrow!

Love you all n thank u too those who being there for me lately. U know u mean the world to me!! xx

2 comments:

I'm sorry I didn't realise you had split from your husband, don't know how I missed that! I hope you start to feel yourself again, its hard to pull yourself back up once you are down there. Big hugs xx