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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Deadliest-er Warrior: Darth Vader and Frodo Baggins

Some heroes are tailor-made for the villains they face. In fact, in almost every movie, the only character that has any chance of defeating the villain is the hero that also happens to be in that movie. Is this just a phenomenal coincidence?

Well if so, the fate of the world has had some incredible luck. So what I'm about to propose could rip our entire universe apart, but it might be amusing, so it’s worth the risk. Let’s take a hero from one movie, and pit them against a villain from another movie and see if the fate of our universe would have turned out differently. Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings seem to have outcomes that are pretty critical, so let’s go with those this time.

Darth Vader crosses paths with Frodo Baggins...

They see each other from across the room and it is hate at first sight. Darth Vadar knows that Frodo has no long range weapons (he looked it up on Wikipedia) so he thinks this will be easy. As Frodo approaches, Vadar uses the force to throw him up back against a wall a few times, which is both fun and makes a funny noise. Then Vadar starts pulling off—and throwing at Frodo—plumbing, air ducts, and other things that always seem to be sticking out of the ceilings wherever Darth goes.

Frodo, however, remains completely unhurt, which puzzles Vadar, until Frodo opens his shirt to show that he is wearing a little white sparkly shirt. Actually, Vadar remains puzzled. But he jumps on Wikipedia again, and learns about “Mithril”, but still wonders why Frodo’s legs and head don’t get hurt either. But no time to wonder, Frodo is back up and coming toward him.

They both draw their special sword things. Unfortunately, Vadar’s light saber always takes a good second or two to grow to its full length, so Mr. Baggins’ sword (with blue glowing capabilities) gets in a few slices before Vadar is ready to begin. The light saber swings right at Frodo’s head, but he’s in his bare feet, so he slips and falls before being hit. That’s when Darth notices the ring around the hobbit’s neck. He uses the force to pull it off, and puts it on his own finger. Ha! He’s invisible now. The fight is all but over!

Well, that would be the case if Vadar didn’t breath louder than everyone else in the galaxy. So Frodo has no trouble telling where he is, and pulls a Gollum-like maneuver and chops off Vadar’s ring-bearing hand, which makes him visible again. Normally cutting off a hand can incapacitate an enemy, but this isn’t Darth’s first time. So with the fight still on, Frodo grabs the ring and puts it on his own finger. Now Vadar can’t see him, and as long as he doesn’t get angry (because Darth can sense your anger) he can keep running around, slashing at Vadar’s kneecaps. Which he does. And Darth Vadar eventually bleeds out.

Status of the universe:

For now we can rest easy and breathe a sigh of relief. Well, until next time, when we put The Wicked Witch of the West and Indiana Jones in the same room

As long as Frodo leaves his dilbert sidekicks at home, he has a good change against everyone! And what is up with Darth Vader always breathing through that scuba regulator?It sounds like another good series Tim...

Hah, I can't help but picture Vadar as the Black Knight from Monty Python/Holy Grail with all the missing limbs and futile future death. Too true about the only successful hero being the one present. And re you question about the X-Files, that's actually just one (of many) of Mulder's boxes of porn, taken from the Fox studio lot.