50 Shades of Awkward

Friday, August 23, 2019

Hey, I had the same disclaimer on the one below and I'm putting it on this one, too. I'm too lazy to edit this. So I apologize for all spelling/grammar errors. Forgive me.

Hey readers.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

This week, I logged onto Netflix to see that the one and only Breaking Bad was now streaming. And, admittedly, I got a pretty excited because this show was pretty popular when I was in high school. So, it seemed like the perfect candidate for my blog.

I actually know a decent amount about Breaking Bad, because I watched the first episode five years ago. And I was scarred by how dark it was, because I had just gotten back from a religious mission and was still an avid Jesus follower and hadn't watched anything dark. I mean, I'm still an avid Jesus follower, but I've also seen episodes of American Horror Story and The Walking Dead and stuff. I'm desensitized.

So here's what I know/remember about the show:

A chemistry teacher gets diagnosed with cancer (I think lung cancer). He's super poor, I believe.
He teams up with an old student of his to start making meth. His student puts Dorito powder in his meth.
The chemistry teacher comes up with a scientifically amazing way to create meth. He and his student start a meth lab in a mobile home?
Some sketchy stuff happens, some guys with guns track them down, he does some sort of concoction that explodes and he's able to escape, he's in the middle of nowhere New Mexico and thinks he's about to get caught but doesn't so he decides to keep making meth.
Am I right?
Oh and I believe he has an autistic son.

I went on a bad date once, and the guy told me that the final shot in the series is amazing, and that the man character dies.

So . . . yes. The chemistry teacher dies. I think his student might too? Or there's an open ending with the student.

So, without further ado, here's my thought process as I watched the last episode of Breaking Bad with very little context:

Only five seasons? I thought there was more. Didn't the same people who did Walking Dead do this show? Wy couldn't htey have finished that at a reasonable amount of seasons?

55 minutes long? Ugh.

Okay, he's in a snowy car. So . . . he's not in New Mexico anymore?

He's shaking BAD. This is either cancer, meth, or . . . some plot point I don't know about yet.

Okay, so, it appears as if this isn't his car? He just found it? And he managed to find the keys which were hidden in the worst place ever? (Under the visor.)

Okay now there's no snow. He must be back in New Mexico. Or near there. Where was he? Oh, the license plate says New Hampshire. Okay. Geez how long of a drive is that?

Oh, that's a lotta money. Drug dealing DOES get you godo money, I hear.

He's on the phone, saying he's a journalist from the New York Times. I'm pretty sure that's a lie.

They have payphones still? What time period does this take place in?

Who are the Schwartz?! Is that him?

Cut scene to fancy house. I bet these people are drug dealers.

Chem teacher is at fancy house. And just waltzed on in. Why did they leave their front door unlocked?? They live in a MANSION and probably deal DRUGS. You don't leave your door unlocked! I mean, I live in a dinky apartment and don't deal drugs and I leave my door locked all the time.

How have they not noticed him? Has anyone every just walked into my home without me noticing and walked around?

Wow okay Elliott is holding a knife VERY shakily to Walt (they've said their names so I gathered that info). If you're gonna threaten someone physically, do it convincingly.

Who is Gretchin? WHY IS HE GIVEN THEM ALL THIS MONEY?

9 MILLION 720 DOLLARS?!

Oh that's nice, he's leaving it to his son.

Oh this dude's smart.

And surprisingly charitable for a drug dealer. I mean, I've never knowingly conversed with a drug deal-- oh, no I have. Okay yeah they were nice too. Just . . . it's 9 million dollars, man.

WAIT WHAT IS GOING ON. WHY ARE THERE RED DOTS SIGNALING A SNIPER RIFLE??

Also, do insanely rich people dress that fancy all the time? I feel like I wouldn't, but what would I know?

Okay so those weren't guns? Clever.

Chaotic evil.

Or lawful evil?

Oh, oh is Jesse the student?

Why did the scene just switch to what looks like a commercial for depression medication?

Walt's eating bacon. I want bacon.

Pretty sure they just showed a flashback to the first episode, and I'm now remembering that his wife's brother is a cop.

Man, Walt is good at/loves dramatic entrances.

I know this is probably the third time I've typed this already but he is SMART.

Okay so now his (ex?) wife know's he's in town and this chick is like "MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T KILL YOU" but didn't he just like, say he still loves her ten minutes ago??

Oh, look. Another dramatic entrance made my Walt. I don't think I've ever made a dramatic entrance in my LIFE, and this guy has managed to make three in less than 24 hours. Impressive. That, right there, is dramatic entrance goals.

"Trade that for a deal with the prosecutor and you get yourself out of this."

K seriously when does this take place. One minute I think it's the early 2000's, the next I think it's the 70's.

Ugh this show is extremely show moving and hard to watch -- probably because I have zero idea what's going on and who any of these characters are.

Ooohhhh he wanted Jesse to die, ey? I wonder why.

Oh, Jesse does not look good. I mean, I guess that's what meth does to you. But, still. I've met a good deal of methers in my life and he does not look good for one. I mean it probs has to do partly with the fact that he's chained up, but . . .

OH HOLY CRAP. THE CAR IS SHOOTING AT THEM. I REPEAT, THE CAR, IS SHOOTING, AT THEM.

Oddly enough I find the most unrealistic part of this scene is how many bullets that gun has, and also that it was able to penetrate the wall. But mostly how many bullets that gun has.

Awww why's he killing that dude? That dude seemed nice. He looked like my ex's roommate who was real nice. I felt connected to this character. Why'd he have to die? Oh, this is a gruesome death too.

However, for a show that was created by the same people who did the Walking Dead, I'm surprised their haven't been more gruesome deaths.

Seriously why do Walt and Jesse hate each other?

Okay, but, granted, meth doesn't exactly bring people together . . .

Also who were all these people he just shot?

TODD. That's the name of the nice guy that I don't think needed to die. Cause he looked like -- oh no, he poisoned her. Wonder what she did to him. Lydia, that's her name. He poisoned Lydia, guys! Did she deserve to die? I literally have no idea. Someone tell me. Also, since she now knows she's poisoned, can she do something about it or is she just a lost cause?

Alright so Jesse's alive. Looks like that's an open ended ending for Jesse.

Do slamming through gate doors while driving really work like that?

Pretty sure Jesse laughing while driving is a meme I've seen.

Oh, snap. Walt got shot.

Wait, when? When the car was shooting at him?

Based on the fact that it's showing that gun while showing his wound, I'd say, yeah. He got himself shot. Sucks, brah.

How did the cops know he was there? Who called them?

Oh, here's the 'cool shot' that bad date guy told me about. I gotta say, it's not as great of a shot as I thought it would be. That's disappointing.

Okay, final thoughts:

........honestly, I found it boring. I expected it to be action packed, and it was just full of . . . conversations and dramatic entrances. It probably would have been more impactful if I had actually seen the show. But, like, literally. What did any of that mean? And what was his wife involved in that she'd need a prosecutor? I'm so . . . . . . unsatisfied.

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

This weeks? Pretty Little Liars.

What I know about 'Pretty Little Liars' before watching the last episode:
It was a book series.

It follows a group of teenager girls.

I'm pretty sure they murdered someone.

I'm pretty sure they're all in high school.

I think one of the characters is a brunette.

Aaaaaand .... that's it. That's all I know.

Okay, here's my thought process while watching Pretty Little Liars:

DEAR GOODNESS. AN HOUR AND A HALF SERIES FINALE?! AND I THOUGHT 45 MINUTES WAS LONG.

. . . why is a fancy lady on a horse coming by and they're not even dazed by it? Is this a dream?

. . . why is it snowing?

. . . what is happening?

Okay, so this chick is in a psychotherapy center? Or a jail? And she was hallucinating this?

Alright so a murder is definitely involved. How the crap did they drag on one murder for seven seasons?

Is this chick feeding a baby the same chick that was in the therapy house? I'll think of the proper name for that later.

Are they a lesbian couple? Or is that her nanny?

Okay, okay, wait. This chick is riding a super fancy horseback riding outfit. Let's be real here, it would NOT be that crisp and clean and . . . unwrinkly. Same with the fences. If she ACTUALLY road a horse, the fences wouldn't be that clean. Neither would that car. Why is everything in this show so clean? Why are rich people's houses so clean? Why have none of these shows featured poor people?

Toby was in Africa?! I wanna go to Africa.

High school students do not participate this much in class.

Why does this teacher look the same age as all the students?

Oh, she's definitely lesbian.

Bahahahahahahahaha this is so cheesy.

. . . did she just say something like . . . she wanted someone to kill that teenage girl?

Please, teachers don't care this much about bullying.

Oh, I've seen this scene on YouTube. (The blind girl approaching the mean high school student.) I didn't know it was from this show.

Okay, I'm sorry. This is CHEESY. Nobody talks like this in real life.

HEY THEY TALKED ABOUT THE ADORONDACKS! I've been there.

I . . . don't think people combine bachelor/bachelorette parties.

Ah, an empty chair and dramatic music. This is good.

Girl wearing a hoodie and dramatically staring at them through the bushes. Dramatic.

Oh, yeah she's a lesbian.

Ah, the girl is continuing to stair dramatically through windows while wearing a hoodie. Am I supposed to recognize her? Also, why do people up to no good dress so suspiciously? You think they'd do the opposite. You know, try to blend in.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SHE LITERALLY RIPPED OFF A FACE MASK OH THIS IS HILARIOUS.

Okay also I think she's the girl who disappeared from the house earlier. I think. I dunno. Mona! That's her name. I think it was Mona.

Okay I literally have no idea.

Who is Mona and why does everyone hate her?

. . . . Mona tried to push her off the bell tower? Why in the world is she still associating herself with her? If someone tried to push me off a bell tower - mentally unstable or not - I would never speak to them AGAIN.

Oh my gosh. Teachers don't care this much about bullying. And nobody talks like this.

Okay why was the brunette chat all cuddly and lovey with Toby yesterday and all distant and weird today? Geez.

"You think I'm wrong about Mona?"

SHE TRIED TO PUSH YOU OFF A FREAKEN BELL TOWER.

Geez she's NUTS.

Oh my gosh Aria is infertile and for some reason I'm now panicking that I'm infertile. AM I INFERTILE?

Okay, who's babies were those at the beginning of the film that these two were with? And where are they now? They went on vacation and two parties and I have yet to see the babies. TWINS, nonetheless.

Oh her stare is terrifying. (Girl who's into Toby is staring at Toby like she's about to murder him. Is she the murderer?)

You know what this show reminds me of? Forever 21. The music, the people, the clothes. I feel like everything in this show could be found inside Forever 21.

Oh boy. Mona just slapped the crap outta the girl that's into Toby. So she WAS the one who was walking around in the hoodie and wearing the weird face mask that she ripped off dramatically. Man, this show is something else.

How did she knock her out with one slap?

What's happening? Who is Mary? Is Mona wearing another face mask to look like Toby's girl?

NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS.

Wait, okay, so . . . this chick is her British evil twin?

This chick's acting is BUGGING ME.

OOOHHHHH okay okay okay so is that why she seemed so into Toby one day and then cold the next? Cause it was actually her British evil twin?

. . . so she's doing all this to sleep with Toby?? What a screwed up motivation. Couldn't she have just been, like, herself?

Okay, so they're twins separated at birth?

Ha I totally called her killing Wre-- oh she wants him to shoot her? What is this messed up crap?

"I have to look exactly like her."
YOU ALREADY DO THERE'S LITERALLY NO DIFFERENCES.

What the what. Why'd he only shoot her in the chest?

Oh, I called her killing him. Ha. I was right.

This is so . . . bizarre.

And yet, I still believe I'd seen an evil twin inside of Forever 21.

EM. Em is the name of the lesbian girl I'd turn lesbian for. She's GORGEOUS.

Oh, hey, the babies back.

Aaaaand Wren's the father. Okay then.

Whyyyyy does it look like this nurse was straight out of the 20's. Like these girl's are in their 20's and DEFINITELY takes place in modern day. Realistically this doesn't make sense.

Okay so the good twin's mom took the fall for a murder this chick and her friends committed? And was like lol sorry but I'm gonna keep you locked up. DUDE RELEASE HER AND RUN AWAY.

Also I don't like Arie's dress.

Oh, good. Ezra's here.

OOOHHH okay so the evil twin is the one that was black mailing them about the murder?

Ha. Watch. I'll find out that this actress is really British and her true accent is American. I'm dying.

NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS.

I don't GET it. Like, her British accent isn't BAD. But it BUGS me. I really can't pinpoint why.

Oh the blind girl knows what's UP.

Oh, hey. There's 15 minutes left. I didn't think I'd make it through.

Okay, okay, okay wait. Why haven't they called the cops?

Also, wait. The blind chick is like "you smell different" and then Toby's like THERE'S AN EVIL TWIN and then ALL the girls are like YUP YOU'RE RIGHT. How did they get to that conclusion so quickly?!

Oh, hey. There's Mona. Oh boy. Do people spy on me via my webcam?

Okay, so evil twin punches mom in the face and somehow knocks her out? By a PUNCH in the NOSE? I've never been punched, but I'm pretty sure you don't get knocked out by the punch in the NOSE.

Oh, okay this fortress is INSANE. And kinda dope.

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE CALL THE COPS.

GUY'S DON'T SPLIT UP.

. . . how did evil twin have the money to build this? And how?? like this is a HUGE under ground area.

Oh, good. Someone WAS responsible and DID call the cops. That's good.

okay NOW what dress is Aria wearing? Like I know she postponed the wedding cause he got kidnapped, but she still could've gotten a good use out of her dress.

I . . . . . . wait okay so the good twin is now with Toby when the evil twin was with Toby the entire time? Does Toby even want that? Does the good twin even want that? Also, what happened to her mom? Did the nose punch kill her?

Those are creepy dolls. That is a creepy child.

Wait is that Mona and Toby together? That's Mona . . . is that seriously Toby??? Living in France? As she stares suspiciously out a window? I'm so confused. Or does that dude just LOOK like Toby?

Oh she crazy.

What am I watching? What am I lookingn at?
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. So Mona now has the mom and evil twin in her own fortress? I am CREEPED. OUT. And was that or was that not Toby?

Thursday, April 25, 2019

For those of you who don't know, I'm starting a new, temporary series on this blog in which I watch just the very last episode/movie of a series I've never seen\. I need to come up with a clever name for it. If you come up with something, let me know.

Now, when I first announced (that sounds so official) that I was doing this, I had a lot of people tell me to watch Gossip Girl.

So, that's exactly what I did.

Before I sat down and watched it, I wrote this intro and a summary of what I knew about Gossip Girl before watching the final episode.

Here's that summary:What I know about 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of itBy: Carmen
Blake Lively is in it. At least I think that's her name. That pretty blonde chick is in it.

There's some brunette and two attractive men as her costars.

I BELIEVE they're getting emails or notes from a 'gossip girl' and they don't know who it is? I believe I read somewhere after the show ended that it's a dude sending the emails/writing the notes???

OR 'xoxo gossip girl' is what one of the characters signs her diary with?

I know everyone sleeps with each other.

I THINK the characters are supposed to be in high school? Or maybe that's Pretty Little Liars.

Pretty sure it used to air on CW.

Aaaaaaand that's it. That's all I know about 'Gossip Girl.'

So without further ado:

My thought process whilst watching the series finale of 'Gossip Girl' without ever seeing an episode of it.By: Carmen
Alright, here we go.

Only six seasons? Wow I thought there was gonna be more.

Well I can tell already from the description that the identity of Gossip Girl is revealed, so I guess that's a 'no' on 'xoxo gossip girl' being the signature in a diary.

Pressing play.

Wow okay episode recaps are NOT helpful when you haven't seen any other episodes

Wait, is that the guy from 'You'? Is he as creepy in this as he is in 'You'? Oh actually I think he's douchey in this.

I bet the guy in the suit is 'gossip girl.'

Wow literally everyone is wearing a suit in this, so you guys have no idea who I'm talking about. It's the older guy.

Oh the older guy in the suit is literally hanging off the edge of the building now. I guess he's not Gossip Girl.

Is that your own plane???? Another moment for what??? What is he gonna do??? I'm pretty sure pilots are under strict schedules.

Oh, Bart Bass is the one who died.

Who the heck are the Bass' and why are they so important?

Did they clime into the trunk of the limo with or without the driver knowing they were there?

"She's a minor."

SHE LOOKS FREAKEN 34.

Heyyy it's the 'inconceivable' guy from The Princess Bride.

"It's not like Blair and Chuck killed the man. Oh no, what???"

Technically he didn't. He fell off the freaken roof and they didn't help him. It's not like they pulled a Scar and Mufasa and threw him off the roof.

Oh no. Blake Lively, I don't know what yours and 'You' guy's relationship is . . . but don't go back to him. The recap portrayed him as a total duche bag.

. . . I can't tell if Blair is being serious with everything she says. Everything she says is so . . . over the top, and I think she's joking. Then she keeps going and I'm like, "Oh wait. She's . . . she's being serious. Okay."

"You guys should get married."

"OMG yes let's do it."

"I dunnooooo."

"Please?"

"Okay."

*Chuck proposes

*Blair sobs

Me: WHY ARE YOU CRYING? YOU LITERALLY JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS TWO SECONDS AGO. THIS AIN'T NO SURPRISE.

I know very minimal about Blair, but I can't stand her.

Okay . . . so they used to be in school?? And they went together? How old were they? What school are we talking about? High school? College?

How is everyone wearing fancy clothes all the time?

Chuck: Let's get married.

Blair: Okay!

Chuck: Wait maybe not I dunno don't you want a wedding?

Blair: *nO i LoVe YoU

Who wrote Blair's dialogue? This is terrible. Does anyone else think it's terrible?

I think this suit guy is Gossip Girl.

WHY DOES EVERYONE WEAR A SUIT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

oooOOOOoooohhhh William is in love with Ivy? And Mrs. Bass is, like, pissed about it? Didn't her husband just die two seconds ago?

Oh but he's the father of her kids?

I'm . . . so confused right now.

THEY'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?? THE FLASHBACK PARTY SCENE THEY SHOWED WAS THEM IN HIGH SCHOOL?? THEY LOOKED 24 AND WERE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE. TEENAGERS WHO UNDERAGE DRINK DO NOT CHOOSE TO UNDERAGE DRINK WITH CHAMPAGNE.

Why does everyone care about these people? They're rich . . . and what else?

Inconceivable guy: Blair and Chuck; stay out of sight.

Blair and Chuck: announce their engagement in a crowded museum where two teens see and probably two dozen others overhear them.

Blair and Chuck: Continue standing in very public places even though they know they're wanted fugitives.

Oh. 'You' guy's name is Dan.

Okay that's hilarious, because I knew this guy named Dan and he was a total douche bag and I'm pretty sure THIS Dan is a douche bag.

I hate Blair.

Oh. Shocking. The police are crashing the wedding. How unexpected to the plot.

I asked this once, I'll ask it again: why ---

Wait -- Kristin Bell is Gossip Girl?

Oh, no. She's not. IDK what she's doing.

Anyway. I asked this once, I'll ask this again: WHY DO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?!

Dan is Gossip Girl? I feel like people should've been able to figure that out sooner. Were people shocked by this? Am I just not shocked because this is the only episode I've seen?

"You posted about her loosing her virginity."

"She wanted me to."

Um....

Blake Lively is totally chill with Douche Bag Dan being Gossip Girl, who supposedly caused all this toxicity and drama?

Wait is this child Chuck and Blair's? Why does he look five? Oh, I guess this is five years in the future. What, did she have a honeymoon baby?

WHY IS BLAKE LIVELY'S CHARACTER MARRYING DOUCHE BAG DAN???

Was anyone else unhappy about this? Or is it just me because I'm going off of solely one episode?

Why does everyone in this show - including people walking down the street - dress like they're going to some French boarding school? I legit have seen three people wearing beret in this show. NOBODY WEARS THOSE IN NEW YORK CITY. LET ALONE 14-YEAR-OLDS.

Okay, just finished.

Here's the questions I have:

Is Douche Bag Dan really a douche bag?

Who the heck was Ivy?

Why was Mrs. Bass in love with William? Didn't her husband just die? Was she cheating on him with William?

Why was she chill with William cheating on her with Ivy? I mean, I know she thought she was faking it BUT STILL.

Why am I so hung up on Ivy and William? They literally had a minute and a half long scene AT MOST.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

I've written a couple of these before, and I have to say, they're some of my favorite blog posts to write. Basically, this (and past ones) are a summary of small awkward moments that aren't substantial enough to be their own blog post, but definitely deserve to be written about.Poncho the Punk

I love my dog, Poncho. I really do. And he is a pain in the patootie
sometimes. Most the time. All the time. And I love him. Except when he pee’s
inside, which (for reason’s the vet and I still can’t pinpoint why) happens
quite often.

One night, I was having a game night with some friends. I
took Poncho out at his scheduled nighttime pee. After I got back to the apartment, I let him off the leash
and, for reasons I STILL DON’T KNOW, he ran to my bedroom and peed on my desk.

Annoyed and discouraged, I yelled at him, leashed him back
up and dragged him outside so he could pee again. Anger was instantly added to my annoyance and discouragement when I saw that it was snowing AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SPRINGTIME.

As I walked Poncho down the sidewalk, I spotted a woman
walking her short, fat dog towards us. Poncho, who demands all males to submit
to him, began yanking hard on the leash. I restrained him, and moved to the snowy
grass so as to avoid the fat dog, who was growling and yapping at Poncho.

The snow was slick, and Poncho became more and more
difficult to resist. Then, he did his strongest yank yet, and I slid, falling
into the snowy grass on my back.

At this point, defeat overwhelmed me, and I just sat there,
lying still on my back, small tears trickling down my cheeks, as snow fell on my face and Poncho yanked on
the leash, continuing to attempt to charge towards the dog.

The woman was making no effort to restrain her dog or walk
it away from us, so I knew I had to get up and face my defeat.

That's exactly what I did. The woman stood there, staring at me, her fat dog yapping at us as I stood up, yanked Poncho with bitterness back towards my apartment, where I walked inside with a sad look on my face and said, "He pulled me into the snoooowwww."

The Golden State Killer podcast

Fun fact about me: I love serial killer podcasts. And books.
And documentaries. Really, anything to do with true crime, I’m obsessed with.

So when my friend told me about a five part podcast all
about the Golden State Killer? Oh man, I was all over that.

I began listening to it at work. Now, fun fact: the Golden
State Killer would often call the phone numbers of his victims and torment them
by saying stuff like, “I’m gonna kill you” and other scary, awful things.

Each podcast began with those creepy whispers of the Golden
State Killer over the phone.

One day, I couldn’t hear the podcast after I pressed ‘play’
on my phone. I checked the screen. Sure enough, it was playing, so I turned the volume up on my phone.

“I’m gonna kiiiiill
you….”

And that's when I realized, my headphones weren't plugged in.

“Oh, come on.”

I put my thumb on my phone for a fingerprint recognition so I could pause it. My
phone rejected it.

You: wHy DiDnT yOu JuSt PlUg In YoUr HeAdPhOnEs?!

I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?!

The podcast continued on.

“I’m gonna kiiiiiill
you…”

I replaced my thumb for a second try. Once again, my phone
rejected it.

*Heavy breathing

“Okay, you know what?! You need to chill.”

By now, my nearby coworkers were eying me curiously.

“You’re going to
diiiiiiiie…”

I typed in my passcode while mumbling, “Oh, shut up.”

And I quickly paused the podcast. My coworkers were still
eyeing me. I plugged my headphones in and said, “Podcast. Nobody’s gonna
actually die here.”

And we turned back to our work.

The bomb threat

Speaking of work, there was a day a few months ago when someone emailed (or called??) in a bomb threat to a BUNCH of businesses, saying that there was a bomb in the building and they'd blow it up unless they transferred X amount of bitcoins to them.

One of the businesses that shares the same building as the company I work for was fortunate to receive this threat.

News spread fast, and the next thing I know, all my coworkers are rushing out of the building.

I swung my purse over my shoulder and said, "Well, I mean, if it goes off before we leave the building, it'll at least be a fast death."

My boss — who walked by right as I said that — looked at me with a mix of fear over what was happening and horror over what I just said.

I shrugged.

"I'm not wrong."

FYI, the threat was fake and we went back inside 45 minutes later.

Greatest fear

Okay, so for about six months, I taught a Sunday School class
once a month at church. Also once a month, all the Sunday School teachers would have a meeting
together and discuss ways to improve our teaching, techniques we
found that worked, etc.

All the teachers sat in a circle facing inward. The guy in
charge stood up and said, “Okay, well, I think some of us are new here. Why don’t
we go around and introduce ourselves? Say your name, your major and . . . let’s
go with your greatest fear. Carmen, you first.”

He motioned towards me as he sat down, and I sat there, unsure
of what to say. You see, I know exactly
what my greatest fear is, but I wasn’t sure if I should actually share it.

“Okay, well, what kind of ‘greatest fear’ are we talking
about, here?” I asked. “Because, like, I have a serious fears, but then I have
not serious fears, and I don’t know which one we’re saying.”

Silence.

“Cause, like, I could say that my greatest fear in life are zombies,
but I know they aren’t real,” I said, sputtering over my words. “But really, I have a
massive fear of getting kidnapped, raped and forced into human trafficking. So,
like, which greatest fear are we sharing? Zombies, or kidnapped, raped, human
trafficking?”

Silence.

“Okay, well, I guess my greatest fear is being kidnapped,
raped and forced into human trafficking,” I said to the silent crowd. “Oh, I’m
Carmen by the way. Communications major.”

I flashed a peace sign, then looked at the kid next to me,
thrilled to turn the attention to someone else.

The next guy introduced himself and
stated his major, then put his hands in his lap and solemnly bowed his head
with a sad look on his face as he said, “I’m worried I won’t go to heaven.”

I did one of my best and biggest eye rolls and muttered to
myself, “Oh brother.”

“Hi, I’m Josh. I’m an engineering major and . . . I’d have
to go with vampires. Vampires are my greatest fear.”

“THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL!” I shouted, getting defensive, as I
usually do when I feel dumb.

One by one, each teacher went by and said their stupid fear.
I heard spiders, the dark and other cliche', small fears. At one point I even shouted, “Okay,
you guys have to say you actual fears
like I did. This ain’t fair.”

“I’m scared of not graduating!” piped up one kid.

“. . . okay, fine. I’ll give you that.”

Just then, a girl walked quickly through the door, holding a
binder and looking disheveled.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she said. “I was organizing another
meeting. What did I miss?”

“We’re going around and introducing yourselves. Say your
name, major and greatest fear.”

The girl took a seat and organized herself while saying, “I’m
Annie. Psychology major. My greatest fear is that my husband will pass away,
and I won’t be able to care for my family.”

She looked up, and I could see the horror on her face that she
had just shared that.

“Oh — I’m sorry, I know that’s kind of serious, but . . .”

“No, thank you!” I said. “I said my greatest fear was being
kidnapped, raped and forced into human
trafficking, then all these losers were
like ‘uh, vampires.’ So, THANK YOU.”

I reached my hand out for a high-five, which she hesitantly returned.

The time I got mistaken as Jesus
Ah, now, this is one of my favorite moments.

This was while in Rwanda on my study abroad. Two friends of mine walked with me to go buy some water bottles at a nearby store. It was getting pretty dark out by the time we started to head back.

As we neared the dorms we were staying at, a group of about six drunk men came waltzing by.

Out of habit, I took a large step away from them and hid behind my two guy friends that were accompanying me. I'd only ever had scary experiences with groups of drunk men.

I breathed a sigh of relief as they walked by without acknowledging me . . . until one stopped, pointed at me and said, "Jesus."

The three of us halted abruptly.

"Jesus," he repeated, pointing at me and then pounding his chest. "Jesus."

"Jesus," said one of my friends, nodding.

The drunk guy beamed with delight, came in towards my friend and embraced him in a massive hug while saying (you guessed it), "Jesus."

He turned to my next friend and did the same action. Then, he turned towards me. He moved towards me, arms outstretched for a hug . . . which I intercepted by stepping to the side and grabbing his hand to shake instead.

"Jesus," I said.

"GOD BLESS!" he yelled.

He then turned back to the guys who were with me. He pounded his chest, said "Jesus," then pounded my friends chest. He repeated this with my other friend . . . then turned to me. He pounded his chest saying, "Jesus." Then he hand stretched out towards my chest . . .

and I stepped to the side, grabbed his hand and shook it.

Eventually we got the man to leave. We pointed out that his friends were leaving him behind, to which he responded saying, "Ah, friends, yes." He pointed to me and said, "Jesus," then walked away to his friends, continuing to say, "God bless" and "Jesus" along the way.

My friends and I began walking slowly towards our dorm again. There was silence between all of us until I finally blurted out, ". . . What just happened?!"

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Okay, so it wasn’t technically plastic surgery,
but it fell under that category when it came to insurance, and I find it
hilarious to tell people that I got plastic surgery, because their first
reaction is always shock and they wrack their brains to see what part of me has
been altered.

I can’t remember what the actual procedure is called. But,
basically, I took a laser to the chin to get rid of pretty big acne scars I’d
had since high school. (Sometimes I see pictures of myself from high school
with the zits that caused those scars, and I dramatically point to the picture
and go, “You.” to the zit.)

Here’s what was different about my acne scars: the majority of
people have acne scars that are indents/divots into their skin. Mine, however,
are not-so-little bumps. Thankfully, those scars are only located on my chin,
and not everywhere. So, this laser treatment would zap those bumps in hopes of
flattening them.

So, after a couple of preparation doctors appointments, it was
time to go forth with the laser treatment.

I plopped down in the chair. It was similar to a dental chair.
They leaned the chair back so that I was basically laying down flat, covered my
eyes with some dark goggle type things, and began zapping my chin.

It definitely hurt. Part of it was because I’m a redhead. The gene
that comes with being a redhead includes being more resistant towards numbing medicine
(such as epidurals). The doctor forgot to take this into account, and gave me
the normal amount of the numbing medication. After expressing pain and wincing
multiple times, she said, “Oh! Oh my gosh, I’m sorry. You’re a redhead. I forgot
that I have to give my redheaded patients a double dose.”

She injected my chin with more medicine and was able to finish the
procedure with me being pain-free.

What came next, I documented on my Instagram story . . . and I’m
so grateful I did. Because it captures it in a way that my words never could.

So, without further ado, please enjoy the next 12 hours following
my procedure.

So, what happened next?

I drove to my apartment, still crying. I parked, hid in my car for
probably 20 minutes, and sprinted into my apartment (still crying) where I promptly
took a nap.

I woke up when it was dark. Keep in mind, this was summertime, so
it got dark pretty late. I had slept a long
time.

. . . I had also bled all over my pillowcase.

I looked at my chin to see it puffy and crusted with dry blood.
And, wouldn’t you guess it, I started crying again.

Not as hard, though. So . . . that’s good, right?

It was time for my nightly cleaning of my new injury. Cleaning
included soaking it with a vinegar-soaked cotton ball for 15 minutes, followed
by rubbing it with a liquid steroid, an ointment used for diaper rashes, Vaseline
and, lastly, taking two antibiotics. This would be part of my nightly routine
for about the next two weeks.

I had transferred my vinegar-mixed-with-water concoction into a water
bottle, which I dunked my cotton ball in. I plopped down on the couch, placed
the now-soaked cotton ball on my bloody chin and watched TV with my roommates
as I snacked on a Texas Roadhouse roll.

My chin was still aching, but at least I had my roll.

Then. This happened.

In case you didn’t catch that, I drank my vinegar soak. Yup. Took
a big, ol’ sib. And promptly spat it out onto my leggings.

I bet you can guess what I did next.

Yup. I cried. Again.

But, I’m still grateful I didn’t spit it out on my Texas Roadhouse
rolls.

The next day, my chin looked better. It had stopped bleeding and
was beginning to heal. Each day, it got better and better, though my chin
remained an angry red for quite some time (and, to this day, the skin on my
chin is still a ting pinker than the rest of my face. Thank goodness for makeup).

Two weeks later, I was back at the doctors, sitting up in the all-too
familiar dental-like chair.

The appointment was earlier in the morning. Now, at this time in
my life, I didn’t have a job or school going on. This, combined with the fact
that I am not a morning person, meant
I got up late and was running behind.

I legit threw on some basketball shorts, wore the shirt I wore to
bed, brushed my hair and teeth, slid into some flip-flops and ran out the door
with my mom, who was accompanying me to the doctors.

So, there I was, back at the doctors, sitting up in the dental-like
chair as my doctor held my face and got extremely close to check out my acne
scars.

“Hmmm, looks like we’ve missed a few spots,” she said.

My heart began to race. I was still recovering from the first
time! There’s no way I could do this again!

“We’re just going to do some touch ups; we won’t do the whole procedure,”
she reassured me. Honestly, she could probably see the fear on my face. I am terrible at hiding my emotions.

I remained sitting up, and she took a small laser to my face. I
didn’t need to back up or cover my eyes this time. She numbed part of my chin
(this time using twice the amount to begin with), and this time, as opposed to
lasering my whole chin, she targeted specific spots.

Now . . . I was expecting this appointment to go by quickly. I
thought I’d be in and out in no time. It was supposed to be just a check up,
not a touch up.

Which is exactly what I told myself when I left my house without
eating anything for breakfast.

Guess what. Me + pain =

Yup.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII passed out. I had caught myself in time,
however. I could tell it was going to happen because of how sick and
lightheaded I began to feel.

I leaned forward to put my head in my lap, but my dermatologist
said, “No, I need you to lean back.”

And I did.

And that’s the last thing I remember.

I was walking in the woods in the dark. Character's from the Walking
Dead were all around me. I turned, and saw Negan – the character that my celebrity
crush plays. He smiled at me and said,

And I smiled back at him.

There was a loud, buzzing sound. That was the sound the chair
moved when it was being tipped backwards. I was starting to come back to. The
chair was leaned back almost all the way. I wasn’t just flat on my back; my
legs were slightly higher than my head so that blood could get to my head.

Time seemed to move by in slow motion. It seemed like my chair was
tipping back for an eternity.

I don’t know how long it had been before I spoke. I’m sure it’s not
as long it felt. But, I finally said, “Did I pass out?”

“Yes,” my doctor said. “How are you feeling?”

“I might throw up,” I said, my eyes remaining closed.

“I’ll go get her a bucket,” said the nurse.

I heard her walking, then the door open and close.

“I dreamed about Negan,” I moaned to the doctor.

I’m sure she had no idea who I was talking about.

“You were only out for 20 seconds,” she said.

“Well he said hi to me,” I said.

“Well, I guess you did snore,”
she said.

“Somehow that’s more embarrassing to me than the actual passing
out.”

The nurse came back. I heard her place a bucket on the ground and
said, “I have some juice and crackers for you when you’re done.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

They went back to zapping my chin. I began to feel a little bit
better, but I didn’t dare open my eyes.

“I’m surprised you’re not totally freaking out. If my mom were
here, she’d be in a total panic,” the nurse said, directing the question to my
mom, who was sitting at the side of the room.

“Oh. Well, we do this. I pass out all the time, her sister has
passed out. It’s just something we do,” she replied.

And it’s true. Maybe this is just part of being initiated into the
family. My dad and one of my sisters are next.

A few minutes later, the doctor was done.

“Okay, we’re all done,” she said, and I cracked my eyes open to be
greeted by the bright, florescent lights.

She rolled her chair back to her computer and said, “Come back in
a couple weeks for another check-up. You can make that appointment up front,
but don’t sit up yet. You’re still looking quite pale.”

“I’m always pale,” I mumbled.

“Well, you’re really pale,”
she responded.

I always know that, if you can tell I’m pale, then I’m obviously
not doing well. So, I trusted her and remained laying back.

“I’m going to Africa in a couple weeks,” I explained. “Should I
make the appointment before or after?”

She got really excited as she had recently returned back from a
trip to Rwanda, the country I was going to.

“Don’t worry about an appointment until you get back from Africa.
Just make sure to always wear
sunscreen, especially on your chin. I do not
want to see you with a tan when you come back!” she said.

“Deal.”

A few minutes later, I felt back to normal aside from a little bit
nauseous. I drank my juice, ate a few crackers, set up an appointment and left
with my mom feeling mortified that I had snored when I passed out.

Let’s fast forward to after my trip to Rwanda. It was a final
check up to see how I was healing and see if any more touch ups needed to be
done.

I sat back in the familiar dental-like chair. This time, I had
eaten.

My dermatologist walked in, and a huge smile came across her face
and she exclaimed,

I was proud of myself, too.

ANYway. Everything had healed properly and was back to normal. The
acne scars I was so self-conscious about remained, but they weren’t nearly as noticeable
as before. And, they’re easier to cover with makeup now.

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably not.

And that, my friends, is the story of the time I (kind of, but not really) got plastic surgery.Have an awkward day.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Sometimes, I think I should rename this blog to "Woes of a Single Woman." But then I'd have to buy a whole new domain name, and that's just not worth it.

I'm back to trying online dating. It's something I've done before (see: My Tinderella Story), and have never really had much success in the love department. I have, however, had much success in the good story department with online dating.

This time around, I've been using Mutual. Mutual is basically Tinder for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the religion I'm a part of). Members in this organization tend to marry others within their same religion. Combine that with a high concentration of members in Utah? Mutual is generally a good place to try online dating for free.

If you don't know what Tinder is, I applaud you for being that out of the world that you don't even know what Tinder is. For an explanation of what it is, click on the blog mentioned above. In that blog, I give a description of what Tinder is and how it works.

Anyway, I've been much pickier than I have been in the past when deciding who I'm interested in and would like to chat with. I was exhausted of going on awkward dates with people I met online, and decided to put an end to it as best as I could. So, thankfully, I haven't had uncomfortable dates.

I tried to hide these guys' identities as best I could. So, names and faces are scribbled out using my highly quality photo editing option on my iphone.

So without further ado, here's what I found to be the most cringy and/or entertaining bios and pictures on Mutual. Please enjoy.

Alright, let's start with this guy. Look, if you have to specify that you're not gay, the chances are, you probably are actually gay. You may not realize it yet, but . . . you're probably gay.
Also, the rest of the bio is just kind of hilarious. It's like reading the bio of a teletubbie.

Speaking of funny bios, here's this lil guy. It made me chuckle. If one of you guys listen to his podcast (or, pawdcats), let me know how it is. I'm listening to too many true crime podcasts right now to add another to my list. Also I hate cats.

Okay, now with this guy. How DARE you put Beyonce and Kim K. on the same level! I'm not even a big Beyonce follower and have probably only listened to two of her songs, but I know she is far more talented and respectable than Kim K! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE QUEEN. HOW DARE YOU.

And while we're on the subject of insulting bio's . . .

Maybe I'm biased because I'm a dog mom . . . but is this totally douchey? It comes across as totally douchey. And since it's douchey, I can be douchey back, right? Cause he is not tall enough or rich enough to make such a judgmental statement. Once you grow at least five inches and get a real job, then you can tell women to be emotionally stable. And even then? JUST DON'T DO IT.

Okay okay okay. Now, I don't know why, but the "tickle your back" statement makes me shiver. And, not the good kind of shiver. The creeped-out kind of shiver. Maybe it's cause I'm not ticklish, and get tired of guys attempting to flirt with me by poking my sides and it turns into just that. Just a little fella obnoxiously poking my sides as I stare at him with a dead look on my face. It's very obnoxious.

Aaaaaaaaaand speaking of unwanted physical contact. . .

Aaaaaaaaand on the topic of things not to say . . .

I just . . . I just can't. I cannot express how much this grosses me out.

Yeah okay so I circled the "from" answer, cause I thought it was weird, but then I read the entire profile . . . and decided that basically the whole profile was weird. The guy's really good at not answering the questions presented to him with a straight answer. He should be a politician.

'Ight. Before we transition over to amusing pictures featured on Mutual, we'll cover this conversation I had with a guy on the app.

Background info: he asked if I was from Utah. It lead to this:

The bigger thing to do would be saying something like, "Oh, okay. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in something that would ultimately be a long distance or not go anywhere."

Something like that.

But instead . . . I ghosted him. (Ghosted is a slang term that means you just ignore someone that's interested in you until they go away.)

Alright. Now for the pictures.

This was one of the guys pictures. He also didn't have his name listed. Or any personal information about himself. And not really any clear pictures of his face. So I legit knew nothing about him. But hey, some girls are into the mysterious type.

This fella gave ZERO explanation as to who this bride he's kissing on the cheek is. And, let's be real. It looks like he's the groom! Maybe he is. There's nothing to say otherwise.

I wish him and this woman the best future together. I hope they're happy together 💗

Okay, a couple things about this. 1. I think I did a better job hiding his identity than this guy did of hiding this chick's identity. 2. Why did he even use this picture?? First of all, it has - what I assume to be - his ex girlfriend in it. Second of all, the quality of this picture isn't that good, either. The lighting is bad, the angle of the face is bad . . . I'm just like, surely there's a better picture of you that you could've used! 3. If by "you," you mean that I have the chance to one day be featured on your dating profile with my face poorly blurred out? . . . Pass.

These last two? They just made me laugh.

I don't think I'll meet my future spouse online. That's just my gut feeling, and I could be wrong. Regardless, online dating has brought some joy, awkwardness and dates into my life. And for that, I'm grateful.