Santa should have left these gifts

Hey!!! Sorry. Just trying to rouse everyone from their tranquil basking in the afterglow of the most wonderful time of the year. You know, the one where the retail industry celebrates swimming in black ink while the rest of us pray the frigid temps delay the bills a mite longer.

During this post-sacred season of super sell-a-thons, many remember sharing our blessings with the less fortunate. But what about the more fortunate? For they truly are the forgotten men and women of the holidays. Fortunately, the Republican Congress took care of them with a huge Christmas gift tax reform.

So, to continue our representatives’ thoughtful good works, let us take a few brief belated moments to offer up our much anticipated wish list that endeavors to fill the gaps left by Santa’s sack and detail what folks should have found under their tree in a very special episode of Will Durst’s Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. With many items conveniently now on sale.

For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: A research sabbatical to Vostok Station in Antarctica.

For Melania Trump: A Nobel Peace Prize for not slapping her husband’s hand away every time they’re in public.

For Roy Moore: A return to the bench adjudicating the daily shenanigans at the Gadsden Mall food court.

For Speaker of the House Paul Ryan: One gift certificate for a surgical procedure to remove that unsightly lump of Freedom Caucus hampering his stride.

For Kim Jong Un: If Trump’s approval rating falls any further, a bunker near hell.

For Donald Trump: Noise canceling headphones so he can drown out the cacophony of negativity surrounding him.

For California Sen. Dianne Feinstein: At least two more terms. Because you can’t have an effective government without one nonagenarian to remind us when history starts repeating itself.

Will Durst’s column distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit: willdurst.com