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I pack a whole load of activity into single day so I don’t spend much time watching TV. The other night, in a rare gap of time, the Light of My Life and I caught up on House of Lies Season 1 Episode 3, Showtime’s gut wrenching send up of the consulting industry. In this episode, Don Cheadle and the Pack help a client through a difficult ERP decision while at the same time engaging in a riotous series of shenanigans apparently representative of the life of a consultant on the road.

In light of what this episode revealed about the fictionally glamorous life of ERP consulting, I realized my deep and abiding responsibility to give you, my faithful readers, what this episode may have looked like in real life.

Have you ever accused a co-worker in front of his boss of picking up a transvestite in a bar?

No. Never. I have accused co-workers of being communists, liberals, Latvian Wiener Dogs, moronically pathetic excuses for human beings and lazy. But never would I question the romantic practices of a co-worker. That’s just not respectful.

Have you ever picked up a transvestite named Kiki in a bar?

There was one moment sweet in life when the VC money was flowing, the internet was blossoming into a kudzu covered field green like cash, and the possibilities grew limitless across a never-ending plain of deal flow and increasing prices. At that one moment, when the shackles of the old economy were coming unbound and the feel of adventure vibrated through my very bones I…nah. Never did.

Have you ever pitched woo at a client’s wife to secure a deal?

No. I have, however, taken a lot of overweight middle aged guys to steak restaurants to secure deals. Is there really much difference?

Has the CFO of any client company offered to give you a foot massage?

Sadly, no. And to think I put in so many years of college not to get one.

Have you ever intentionally failed an ERP recommendation to a client board to drive the company into the ground and secure a juicy consulting contract with the buying company who you just happened to let know about the pending ERP failure?

Like this:

I am about one week or so into the Windows 8 upgrade experience and have the following random thoughts:

This is a very App oriented as opposed to document oriented experience. Whereas Windows XP through Windows 7 drove you off the desktop or document list and hid the menu behind the Start – Programs button, Windows 8 drops you right into the main apps menu. Mine is below:

This initially really frustrated me since I don’t care much for the apps, I care about the documents. However, once I started using it, I began to see the method behind this. The Desktop is still there – just hit ESC or click the Desktop icon showing IBIS above – and is just as integral for documents as in previous versions. They just made the Start button a much, much better apps browser accessible from the Windows key (or hovering in the bottom left corner) or manageable on a touch screen.

The metro apps that come with the product suck – part 1: Well, to be fair, the calendar is adequate and looks very iPadish.

The metro apps that come with the product suck – Part 2: The email client also looks very iPadish. However, it has two major flaws: it doesn’t integrate with our email signature software AND it doesn’t allow you to accept and manage meeting requests. Big problem for me. It’s a decent concentrator for all my Hotmail accounts (I have 4, plus a gmail, yahoo and three personal domain accounts), so that makes it moderately useful, but since I’m working on the desktop most of the time and not using a touchscreen, Windows Live Mail is still a better product.

The metro apps that come with the product suck – Part 3: Actually, the Skydrive app really rocks.

The metro apps that come with the product suck – Part 4: Actually, Andy bought me an experimental new mouse design to mimic touchscreen behaviors. It takes some getting used to but its working pretty well and helping me enjoy the experience more.

There’s a host of new features that I haven’t even touched yet. But, for now, it’s a guarded “I kind of like it”. When the touch screens come out, I’m definitely going to be an early adopter and I look forward to using the same OS setting across phone, touchpad and laptop.

Like this:

First it was “softwares”, “ERPs”, and “CRMs”, the ignorantly used plural forms of the group nouns “software”, “ERP” and “CRM”. Now, they’ve done it again.

Folks, “Incentivize” is not a word. I know you can find it in the online Merriam-Webster dictionary (also known as the Dictionary for the Lazy and Stupid) but, much like Chechen mail order brides or Viagra without a prescription, just because you find it online doesn’t make it right.

The noun is “incentive”. That means “something that incites or has a tendency to incite to determination or action”. If you want to make that a verb, you either use “incite” (which I admit sounds really awkward) or you use it properly like “We can use a good incentive to help the sales team increase revenue” as opposed to “Let’s incentivize the sales team”. Don’t ever use “incent” – that’s just a degraded from of “incentivize”.

I didn’t “inventize” a new hiring process at IBIS. I didn’t “wifeicize” Kerri when I married here. Kerri didn’t “birthicize” our two daughters and, on the 15th and 30th your employer doesn’t “payicize” you.

Remember, the guys that started this crap are the investment bankers and MBA’s that cratered the economy from Wall Street. Don’t buy into the madness and stop using it. In fact, next time I hear someone use this I will reach across the board table, smack them with my laptop, then stand over their prostrate body and pour a hot cup of coffee into their ears so the last thing they hear is my voice screaming “Incentivize is not a word you ignorant corporate drone!”.

Like this:

If you read this blog, see me at a conference, follow me on Twitter or just talk to me, you’ll know I am a passionate believer in hiring fresh, new talent into this industry (read this for more detail). And as Microsoft partners, you always ask two questions:

1. Where do I find them? Answer: College campuses. Read my post for more detail.

2. How do I train them?

At IBIS, we’ve invested a huge effort for the last 5 years in creating a 12 month Associate Consultant program that develops our college hires into some of the best consultants in the industry. Now, at last, Microsoft, through the hard work of Sara Gjerdevig in Fargo, has helped by building the Dynamics AX FastTrAX Summer Institute (the link only works for those with access to Partnersource).

An outgrowth of the FastTrAX training program started last year (an 18 day Financials and Trade accelerated learning course), the Summer Institute is a 30 day program on the NDSU campus in Fargo. Covering Financials, Trade, MR, Accounting 101, Consulting 101 and very broad introductions to reporting, industry and verticals, the program is an ideal way to launch a new consultant. For this pilot session, the program started July 9th (ideal for recent college grads) and completed today.

27 attendees from about from about 8 companies (the company list read like the who’s who of the industry) lived, eat, drank and breathed AX and Microsoft for an entire month all for an incredibly reasonable price including significant rebates from MS for passed exams.

Folks, I gotta tell you, I think Sara and the team did a really good job. The instructional quality was great, the facilities were awesome and I really think the result will be more than worth the modest investment. So, if you want to hire the college crowd but need to outsource training, contact Sara Gjerdevig and get started.