XANTHIAS, servant of DIONYSUSDIONYSUSHERACLESA CORPSECHARONAEACUSA MAID SERVANT OF PERSEPHONEHOSTESS, keeper of cook-shopPLATHANE, her partnerEURIPIDESAESCHYLUSPLUTOCHORUS OF FROGSCHORUS OF BLESSED MYSTICS

Scene

The scene shows the house of HERACLES in the background. There enter two travellers: DIONYSUS on foot, in his customary yellow robe and buskins but also with the club and lion's skin of Heracles, and his servant XANTHIAS on a donkey, carrying the luggage on a pole over his shoulder.

XANTHIAS

Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master,
At which the audience never fail to laugh?

I vow I can't help laughing, I can't help
it.
A lion's hide upon a yellow silk,
A club and buskin! What's it all about?
Where were you going?

DIONYSUS

I was serving lately
Aboard the-Cleisthenes.
More than a dozen of the enemy's ships.

HERACLES

You two?

DIONYSUS

We two.

HERACLES

And then I awoke, and lo!

DIONYSUS

There as, on deck, I'm reading to myself
The Andromeda, a sudden pang of longing.
Shoots through my heart, you can't conceive how keenly.

HERACLES

How big a pang?

DIONYSUS

A small one, Molon's size.

HERACLES

Caused by a woman?

DIONYSUS

No.

HERACLES

A boy?

DIONYSUS

No, no.

HERACLES

A man?

DIONYSUS

Ah! ah!

HERACLES

Was it for Cleisthenes?

DIONYSUS

Don't mock me, brother: on my life I am
In a bad way: such fierce desire consumes me.

HERACLES

Aye, little brother? how?

DIONYSUS

I can't describe it.
But yet I'll tell you in a riddling way.
Have you e'er felt a sudden lust for soup?

HERACLES

Soup! Zeus-a-mercy, yes, ten thousand times.

DIONYSUS

Is the thing clear, or must I speak again?

HERACLES

Not of the soup: I'm clear about the soup.

DIONYSUS

Well, just that sort of pang devours my
heart
For lost Euripides.

HERACLES

A dead man too.

DIONYSUS

And no one shall persuade me not to go
After the man.

HERACLES

Do you mean below, to Hades?

DIONYSUS

And lower still, if there's a lower still.

HERACLES

What on earth for?

DIONYSUS

I want a genuine poet,
"For some are not, and those that are, are bad."

HERACLES

What! does not Iophon live?

DIONYSUS

Well, he's the sole
Good thing remaining, if even he is good.
For even of that I'm not exactly certain.

HERACLES

If go you must, there's Sophocles-he comes
Before Euripides-why not take him?

DIONYSUS

Not till I've tried if Iophon's coin rings
true
When he's alone, apart from Sophocles.
Besides, Euripides, the crafty rogue,
Will find a thousand shifts to get away,
But he was easy here, is easy there.

HERACLES

But Agathon, where is he?

DIONYSUS

He has gone and left us.
A genial poet, by his friends much missed.

HERACLES

Gone where?

DIONYSUS

To join the blessed in their banquets.

HERACLES

But what of Xenocles?

DIONYSUS

O he be hanged!

HERACLES

Pythangelus?

XANTHIAS

But never a word of me,
Not though my shoulder's chafed so terribly.
HERACLES But have you not a shoal of little songsters,
Tragedians by the myriad, who can chatter
A furlong faster than Euripides?

DIONYSUS

Those be mere vintage-leavings, jabberers,
choirs
Of swallow-broods, degraders of their art,
Who get one chorus, and are seen no more,
The Muses' love once gained. But O, my friend,
Search where you will, you'll never find a true
Creative genius, uttering startling things.

HERACLES

Creative? how do you mean?
Who'll dare some novel venturesome conceit,
"Air, Zeus's chamber," or "Time's foot," or this,
"'Twas not my mind that swore: my tongue committed
A little perjury on its own account."

HERACLES

You like that style?

DIONYSUS

Like it? I dote upon it.

HERACLES

I vow its ribald nonsense, and you know it.

DIONYSUS

"Rule not my mind": you've got a house to mind.

HERACLES

Really and truly though 'tis paltry stuff.

DIONYSUS

Teach me to dine!

XANTHIAS

But never a word of me.

DIONYSUS

But tell me truly-'twas for this I came
Dressed up to mimic you-what friends received
And entertained you when you went below
To bring back Cerberus, in case I need them.
And tell me too the havens, fountains, shops,
Roads, resting-places, stews, refreshment-rooms,
Towns, lodgings, hostesses, with whom were found
The fewest bugs.

XANTHIAS

But never a word of me.

HERACLES

You are really game to go?

DIONYSUS

O drop that, can't you?
And tell me this: of all the roads you know
Which is the quickest way to get to Hades?
I want one not too warm, nor yet too cold.

HERACLES

Which shall I tell you first? which shall it
be?
There's one by rope and bench: you launch away
And-hang yourself.

DIONYSUS

No thank you: that's too stifling.

HERACLES

Then there's a track, a short and beaten
cut,
By pestle and mortar.

DIONYSUS

Hemlock, do you mean?

HERACLES

Just so.

DIONYSUS

No, that's too deathly cold a way;
You have hardly started ere your shins get numbed.

HERACLES

Well, would you like a steep and swift descent?

DIONYSUS

Aye, that's the style: my walking powers are small.

HERACLES

Go down to the Cerameicus.

DIONYSUS

And do what?

HERACLES

Climb to the tower's top pinnacle-

DIONYSUS

And then?

HERACLES

Observe the torch-race started, and when
all
The multitude is shouting "Let them go,"
Let yourself go.

DIONYSUS

Go! whither?

HERACLES

To the ground.

DIONYSUS

And lose, forsooth, two envelopes of brain.
I'll not try that.

HERACLES

Which will you try?

DIONYSUS

The way
You went yourself.

HERACLES

A parlous voyage that,
For first you'll come to an enormous lake
Of fathomless depth.

DIONYSUS

And how am I to cross?

HERACLES

An ancient mariner will row you over
In a wee boat, so big. The fare's two obols.

DIONYSUS

Fie! The power two obols have, the whole world
through!
How came they thither!

HERACLES

Theseus took them down.
And next you'll see great snakes and savage monsters
In tens of thousands.

DIONYSUS

You needn't try to scare me,
I'm going to go.

HERACLES

Then weltering seas of filth
And ever-rippling dung: and plunged therein,
Whoso has wronged the stranger here on earth,
Or robbed his boylove of the promised pay,
Or swinged his mother, or profanely smitten
His father's check, or sworn an oath forsworn,
Or copied out a speech of Morsimus.

DIONYSUS

There too, perdie, should he be plunged,
whoe'er
Has danced the sword-dance of Cinesias.

HERACLES

And next the breath of flutes will float around
you,
And glorious sunshine, such as ours, you'll see,
And myrtle groves, and happy bands who clap
Their hands in triumph, men and women too.

DIONYSUS

And who are they?

HERACLES

The happy mystic bands,

XANTHIAS

And I'm the donkey in the mystery show.
But I'll not stand it, not one instant longer.

HERACLES

Who'll tell you everything you want to know.
You'll find them dwelling close beside the road
You are going to travel, just at Pluto's gate.
And fare thee well, my brother.

DIONYSUS

And to you Good cheer.

Exit HERACLES.

Now sirrah, pick you up the traps.

XANTHIAS

Before I've put them down?

DIONYSUS

And quickly too.

XANTHIAS

No, prithee, no: but hire a body, one
They're carrying out, on purpose for the trip.

DIONYSUS

If I can't find one?

XANTHIAS

Then I'll take them.

DIONYSUS

Good.
And see they are carrying out a body now.

Here a CORPSE, wrapped in its grave-clothes, and lying on a bier,
is carried across the stage.

Hallo! you there, you deadman, are you willing
To carry down our little traps to Hades?

CORPSE

What are they?

DIONYSUS

These.

CORPSE

Two drachmas for the job?

DIONYSUS

Nay, that's too much.

CORPSE

Out of the pathway, you!

DIONYSUS

Beshrew thee, stop: may-be we'll strike a bargain.

CORPSE

Pay me two drachmas, or it's no use talking.

DIONYSUS

One and a half.

CORPSE

I'd liefer live again I

XANTHIAS

How absolute the knave is! He be hanged!
I'll go myself.

DIONYSUS

You're the right sort, my man.
Now to the ferry.

Enter CHARON.

CHARON

Yoh, up! lay her to.

XANTHIAS

Whatever's that?

DIONYSUS

Why, that's the lake, by Zeus,
Whereof he spake, and yon's the ferry-boat.

XANTHIAS

Poseidon, yes, and that old fellow's Charon.

DIONYSUS

Charon! O welcome, Charon! welcome, Charon!

CHARON

Who's for the Rest from every pain and ill?
Who's for the Lethe's plain? the Donkey-shearings?
Who's for Cerberia? Taenarum? or the Ravens?

DIONYSUS

I.

CHARON

Hurry in.

DIONYSUS

But where are you going really?
In truth to the Ravens?

CHARON

Aye, for your behoof. Step in.

DIONYSUS to XANTHIAS

Now, lad.

CHARON

A slave? I take no slave,
Unless he has fought for his bodyrights at sea.

XANTHIAS

I couldn't go. I'd got the eye-disease.

CHARON

Then fetch a circuit round about the lake.

XANTHIAS

Where must I wait?

CHARON

Beside the Withering stone, Hard by the Rest.

DIONYSUS

You understand?

XANTHIAS

Too well.
O, what ill omen crossed me as I started! Exit.

CHARON to DIONYSUS

Sit to the oar.

calling

Who else for the boat? Be quick.

to DIONYSUS

Hi! what are you doing?

DIONYSUS

What am I doing? Sitting
On to the oar. You told me to, yourself

CHARON

Now sit you there, you little Potgut.

DIONYSUS

Now stretch your arms full length before you.

CHARON

Come, don't keep fooling; plant your feet, Pull with a will.

DIONYSUS

Why, how am I to pull?
I'm not an oarsman, seaman, Salaminian. I can't.

Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax,
Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax!
We children of the fountain and the lake
Let us wake
Our full choir-shout, as the flutes are ringing
out,
Our symphony of clear-voiced song.
The song we used to love in the Marshland up above,
In praise of Dionysus to produce,
Of Nysaean Dionysus, son of Zeus,
When the revel-tipsy throng, all crapulous and gay,
To our precinct reeled along on the holy Pitcher
day,
Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax.

DIONYSUS

O, dear! O, dear! now I declare
I've got a bump upon my rump,

FROGS

Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax.

DIONYSUS

But you, perchance, don't care.

FROGS

Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax.

DIONYSUS

Hang you, and your ko-axing tool
There's nothing but ko-ax with you.

FROGS

That is right, Mr. Busybody, right!
For the Muses of the lyre love us well;
And hornfoot Pan who plays on the pipe his jocund
lays;
And Apollo, Harper bright, in our Chorus takes delight;
For the strong reed's sake which I grow within my
lake
To be girdled in his lyre's deep shell.
Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax.

Ah, no! ah, no!
Loud and louder our chant must flow.
Sing if ever ye sang of yore,
When in sunny and glorious days
Through the rushes and marsh-flags springing
On we swept, in the joy of singing
Myriad-diving roundelays.
Or when fleeing the storm, we went
Down to the depths, and our choral song
Wildly raised to a loud and long
Bubble-bursting accompaniment.

FROGS AND DIONYSUS

Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax.

DIONYSUS

This timing song I take from you.

FROGS

That's a dreadful thing to do.

DIONYSUS

Much more dreadful, if I row
Till I burst myself, I trow.

FROGS AND DIONYSUS

Brekekekex, ko-ax, ko-ax.

DIONYSUS

Go, hang yourselves; for what care I?

FROGS

All the same we'll shout and cry,
Stretching all our throats with song,
Shouting, crying, all day long,

But tell me, did you see the parricides
And perjured folk he mentioned?

XANTHIAS

Didn't you?

DIONYSUS

Poseidon, yes. Why look!

pointing to the audience

I see them now.
What's the next step?

XANTHIAS

We'd best be moving on.
This is the spot where Heracles declared
Those savage monsters dwell.

DIONYSUS

O hang the fellow.
That's all his bluff: he thought to scare me off,
The jealous dog, knowing my plucky ways.
There's no such swaggerer lives as Heracles.
Why, I'd like nothing better than to achieve
Some bold adventure, worthy of our trip.

XANTHIAS

I know you would. Hallo! I hear a noise.

DIONYSUS

Where? what?

XANTHIAS

Behind us, there.

DIONYSUS

Get you behind.

XANTHIAS

No, it's in front.

DIONYSUS

Get you in front directly.

XANTHIAS

And now I see the most ferocious monster.

DIONYSUS

O, what's it like?

XANTHIAS

Like everything by turns.
Now it's a bull: now it's a mule: and now
The loveliest girl.

DIONYSUS

O, where? I'll go and meet her.

XANTHIAS

It's ceased to be a girl: it's a dog now.

DIONYSUS

It is Empusa!

XANTHIAS

Well, its face is all
Ablaze with fire.

DIONYSUS

Has it a copper leg?

XANTHIAS

A copper leg? yes, one; and one of cow dung.

DIONYSUS

O, whither shall I flee?

XANTHIAS

O, whither I?

DIONYSUS

My priest, protect me, and we'll sup together.

XANTHIAS

King Heracles, we're done for.

DIONYSUS

O, forbear, Good fellow, call me anything but that.

XANTHIAS

Well then, Dionysus.

DIONYSUS

O, that's worse again,

XANTHIAS to the SPECTRE

Aye, go thy way. O master, here, come here.

DIONYSUS

O, what's up now?

XANTHIAS

Take courage; all's serene.
And, like Hegelochus, we now may say
"Out of the storm there comes a new wether."
Empusa's gone.

DIONYSUS

Swear it.

XANTHIAS

By Zeus she is.

DIONYSUS

Swear it again.

XANTHIAS

By Zeus.

DIONYSUS

Again.

XANTHIAS

By Zeus.
O dear, O dear, how pale I grew to see her,
But he, from fright has yellowed me all over.

DIONYSUS

Ah me, whence fall these evils on my head?
on
Who is the god to blame for my destruction?
Air, Zeus's chamber, or the Foot of Time?

A flute is played behind the scenes.

XANTHIAS

What's the matter?

DIONYSUS

The breath of flutes.

XANTHIAS

Aye, and a whiff of torches
Breathed o'er me too; a very mystic whiff.

DIONYSUS

Then crouch we down, and mark what's going on.

CHORUS in the distance

O lacchus! O lacchus! O Iacchus!

XANTHIAS

I have it, master: 'tis those blessed Mystics,
Of whom he told us, sporting hereabouts.
They sing the Iacchus which Diagoras made.

DIONYSUS

I think so too: we had better both keep
quiet
And so find out exactly what it is.

Enter CHORUS, who had chanted the songs of the FROGS, as initiates.

CHORUS

O Iacchus! power excelling, here in stately temples
dwelling.
O Iacchus! O lacchus!
Come to tread this verdant level,
Come to dance in mystic revel,
Come whilst round thy forehead hurtles
Many a wreath of fruitful myrtles,
Come with wild and saucy paces
Mingling in our joyous dance,
Pure and holy, which embraces all the charms of all the
Graces,
When the mystic choirs advance.

Come, arise, from sleep awaking, come the fiery torches
shaking,
O Iacchus! O Iacchus!
Morning Star that shinest nightly.
Lo, the mead is blazing brightly,
Age forgets its years and sadness,
Aged knees curvet for gladness,
Lift thy flashing torches o'er us,
Marshal all thy blameless train,
Lead, O lead the way before us; lead the lovely youthful
Chorus
To the marshy flowery plain.
All evil thoughts and profane be still: far hence, far hence from our
choirs depart,
Who knows not well what the Mystics tell, or is not holy and pure of
heart;
Who ne'er has the noble revelry learned, or danced the dance of the
Muses high; or shared in the Bacchic rites which old bull-eating Cratinus's
words supply;
Who vulgar coarse buffoonery loves, though all untimely the they
make;
Or lives not easy and kind with all, or kindling faction forbears to
slake,
But fans the fire, from a base desire some pitiful gain for himself
to reap;
Or takes, in office, his gifts and bribes, while the city is tossed
on the stormy deep;
Who fort or fleet to the foe betrays; or, a vile Thorycion, ships
away
Forbidden stores from Aegina's shores, to Epidaurus across the
Bay
Transmitting oar-pads and sails and tar, that curst collector of five
per cents;
The knave who tries to procure supplies for the use of the enemy's
armaments;
The Cyclian singer who dares befoul the Lady Hecate's wayside
shrine;
The public speaker who once lampooned in our Bacchic feasts would,
with heart malign,
Keep nibbling away the Comedians' pay;- to these I utter my warning
cry,
I charge them once, I charge them twice,
I charge them thrice, that they draw not nigh
To the sacred dance of the Mystic choir.
But ye, my comrades, awake the song,
The night-long revels of joy and mirth which ever of right to our feast
belong.
Advance, true hearts, advance!
On to the gladsome bowers,
On to the sward, with flowers
Embosomed bright!
March on with jest, and jeer, and dance,
Full well ye've supped to-night.
March, chanting loud your lays,
Your hearts and voices raising,
The Saviour goddess praising
Who vows she'll still
Our city save to endless days,
Whate'er Thorycion's will.
Break off the measure, and change the time; and now with chanting and
hymns adorn
Demeter, goddess mighty and high, the harvest-queen, the giver of
corn.
O Lady, over our rites presiding,
Preserve and succour thy choral throng,
And grant us all, in thy help confiding,
To dance and revel the whole day long;
And much in earnest, and much in jest,
Worthy thy feast, may we speak therein.
And when we have bantered and laughed our best,
The victor's wreath be it ours to win.
Call we now the youthful god, call him hither without
delay,
Him who travels amongst his chorus, dancing along on the Sacred
Way.
O, come with the joy of thy festival song,
O, come to the goddess, O, mix with our throng
Untired, though the journey be never so long.
O Lord of the frolic and dance, lacchus, beside me
advance!
For fun, and for cheapness, our dress thou hast
rent,
Through thee we may dance to the top of our bent,
Reviling, and jeering, and none will resent.
O Lord of the frolic and dance, lacchus, beside me
advance!
A sweet pretty girl I observed in the show,
Her robe had been torn in the scuffle, and lo,
There peeped through the tatters a bosom of snow.
O Lord of the frolic and dance, lacchus, beside me advance!

DIONYSUS

Wouldn't I like to follow on, and try
A little sport and dancing?

XANTHIAS

Wouldn't I?

CHORUS

Shall we all a merry joke
At Archedemus poke,
Who has not cut his guildsmen yet, though seven years
old;
Yet up among the dead
He is demagogue and head
And contrives the topmost place of the rascaldom to
hold?
And Cleisthenes, they say,
Is among the tombs all day,
Bewailing for his lover with a lamentable whine.
And Callias, I'm told,
Has become a sailor bold,
And casts a lion's hide o'er his members feminine.

DIONYSUS

Can any of you tell
Where Pluto here may dwell,
For we, sirs, are two strangers who were never here before?

CHORUS

O, then no further stray,
Nor again inquire the way,
For know that ye have journeyed to his very entrance-door.

DIONYSUS

Take up the wraps, my lad.

XANTHIAS

Now is not this too bad?
Like "Zeus's Corinth," he "the wraps" keeps saying o'er and o'er.

CHORUS

Now wheel your sacred dances through the glade with flowers
bedight,
All ye who are partakers of the holy festal rite;
And I will with the women and the holy maidens go
Where they keep the nightly vigil, an auspicious light to
show.
Now haste we to the roses,
And the meadows full of posies,
Now haste we to the meadows
In our own old way,
In choral dances blending,
In dances never ending,
Which only for the holy
The Destinies array.
O, happy mystic chorus,
The blessed sunshine o'er us
On us alone is smiling,
In its soft sweet light:
On us who strove forever
With holy, pure endeavour,
Alike by friend and stranger
To guide our steps aright.

DIONYSUS

What's the right way to knock? I wonder
how
The natives here are wont to knock at doors.

XANTHIAS

No dawdling: taste the door. You've got,
remember,
The lion-hide and pride of Heracles.

DIONYSUS knocking

Boy! boy!

The door opens. AEACUS appears.

AEACUS

Who's there?

DIONYSUS

I, Heracles the strong!

AEACUS

O, you most shameless desperate ruffian,
you
O, villain, villain, arrant vilest villain!
Who seized our Cerberus by the throat, and fled,
And ran, and rushed, and bolted, haling of
The dog, my charge! But now I've got thee fast.
So close the Styx's inky-hearted rock,
The blood-bedabbled peak of Acheron
Shall hem thee in: the hell-hounds of Cocytus
Prowl round thee; whilst the hundred-headed Asp
Shall rive thy heart-strings: the Tartesian Lamprey
Prey on thy lungs: and those Tithrasian Gorgons
Mangle and tear thy kidneys, mauling them,
Entrails and all, into one bloody mash.
I'll speed a running foot to fetch them hither.

Exit AEACUS.

XANTHIAS

Hallo! what now?

DIONYSUS

I've done it: call the god.

XANTHIAS

Get up, you laughing-stock; get up directly,
Before you're seen.

DIONYSUS

What, I get up? I'm fainting.
Please dab a sponge of water on my heart.

XANTHIAS

Here! Dab it on.

DIONYSUS

Where is it?

XANTHIAS

Ye golden gods,
Lies your heart there?

DIONYSUS

It got so terrified
It fluttered down into my stomach's pit.

XANTHIAS

Cowardliest of gods and men!

DIONYSUS

The cowardliest? I?
What I, who asked you for a sponge, a thing
A coward never would have done!

XANTHIAS

What then?

DIONYSUS

A coward would have lain there wallowing;
But I stood up, and wiped myself withal.

XANTHIAS

Poseidon! quite heroic.

DIONYSUS

'Deed I think so.
But weren't you frightened at those dreadful threats
And shoutings?

XANTHIAS

Frightened? Not a bit. I cared not.

DIONYSUS

Come then, if you're so very brave a man,
Will you be I, and take the hero's club
And lion's skin, since you're so monstrous plucky?
And I'll be now the slave, and bear the luggage.

XANTHIAS

Hand them across. I cannot choose but take
them.
And now observe the Xanthio-heracles
If I'm a coward and a sneak like you.

DIONYSUS

Nay, you're the rogue from Melite's own
self.
And I'll pick up and carry on the traps.

Enter a MAID-SERVANT of Persephone, from the door.

MAID

O welcome, Heracles! come in, sweetheart.
My Lidy, when they told her, set to work,
Baked mighty loaves, boiled two or three tureens
Of lentil soup, roasted a prime ox whole,
Made rolls and honey-cakes. So come along.

XANTHIAS declining

You are too kind.

MAID

I will not let you go.
I will not let you! Why, she's stewing slices
Of juicy bird's-flesh, and she's making comfits,
And tempering down her richest wine. Come, dear,
Come along in.

XANTHIAS still declining

Pray thank her.

MAID

O you're jesting,
I shall not let you off: there's such a lovely
Flute-girl all ready, and we've two or three
Dancing-girls also.

XANTHIAS

Eh! what! Dancing-girls?

MAID

Young budding virgins, freshly tired and
trimmed.
Come, dear, come in. The cook was dishing up
The cutlets, and they are bringing in the tables.

XANTHIAS

Then go you in, and tell those dancing-girls
Of whom you spake, I'm coming in Myself.

Exit MAID.

Pick up the traps, my lad, and follow me.

DIONYSUS

Hi! stop! you're not in earnest, just because
I dressed you up, in fun, as Heracles?
Come, don't keep fooling, Xanthias, but lift
And carry in the traps yourself
You are never going to strip me of these togs
You gave me!

DIONYSUS

Going to? No, I'm doing it now. off with that lion-skin.

XANTHIAS

Bear witness all,
The gods shall judge between us.

DIONYSUS

Gods, indeed!
Why, how could you (the vain and foolish thought
I)
A slave, a mortal, act Alemena's son?

This is the part of a dexterous clever
Man with his wits about him ever,
One who has travelled the world to see;
Always to shift, and to keep through all
Close to the sunny side of the wall;
Not like a pictured block to be,
Standing always in one position;
Nay but to veer, with expedition,
And ever to catch the favouring breeze,
This is the part of a shrewd tactician,
This is to be a-Theramenes!

DIONYSUS

Truly an exquisite joke 'twould be,
Him with a dancing-girl to see,
Lolling at ease on Milesian rugs;
Me, like a slave, beside him standing,
Aught that he wants to his lordship handing;
Then as the damsel fair he hugs,
Seeing me all on fire to embrace her,
He would perchance (for there's no man baser),
Turning him round like a lazy lout,
Straight on my mouth deliver a facer,
Knocking my ivory choirmen out.

Enter HOSTESS and PLATHANE.

Hostess. O Plathane! Plathane! that naughty man,
That's he who got into our tavern once,
And ate up sixteen loaves.

PLATHANE

O, so he is! The very man.

XANTHIAS

Bad luck for somebody!

HOSTESS

O and, besides, those twenty bits of stew,
Half-obol pieces.

XANTHIAS

Somebody's going to catch it!

HOSTESS

That garlic too.

DIONYSUS

Woman, you're talking nonsense.
You don't know what you're saying.

HOSTESS

O, you thought
I shouldn't know you with your buskins on!
Ah, and I've not yet mentioned all that fish,
No, nor the new-made cheese: he gulped it down,
Baskets and all, unlucky that we were.
And when I just alluded to the price,
He looked so fierce, and bellowed like a bull.

XANTHIAS

Yes, that's his way: that's what he always does.

HOSTESS

O, and he drew his sword, and seemed quite mad.

PLATHANE

O, that he did.

HOSTESS

And terrified us so
We sprang up to the cockloft, she and I.
Then out he hurled, decamping with the rugs.

XANTHIAS

That's his way too; something must be done.

HOSTESS

Quick, run and call my patron Cleon here

PLATHANE

O, if you meet him, call Hyperbolus!
We'll pay you out to-day.

HOSTESS

O filthy throat,
O how I'd like to take a stone, and hack
Those grinders out with which you chawed my wares.

PLATHANE

I'd like to pitch you in the deadman's pit.

HOSTESS

I'd like to get a reaping-hook and scoop
That gullet out with which you gorged my tripe.
But I'll to Cleon: he'll soon serve his writs;
He'll twist it out of you to-day, he will.

Aye, aye, I know you are vexed, and I deserve
And if you pummel me, I won't complain.
But if I strip you of these togs again,
Perdition seize myself, my wife, my children,
And, most of all, that blear-eyed Archedemus.

XANTHIAS

That oath contents me: on those terms I take them.

CHORUS

Now that at last you appear once more,
Wearing the garb that at first you wore,
Wielding the club and the tawny skin,
Now it is yours to be up and doing,
Glaring like mad, and your youth renewing,
Mindful of him whose guise you are in.
If, when caught in a bit of a scrape, you
Suffer a word of alarm to escape you,
Showing yourself but a feckless knave,
Then will your master at once undrape you,
Then you'll again be the toiling slave.

XANTHIAS

There, I admit, you have given to me
Capital hint, and the like idea,
Friends, had occurred to myself before.
Truly if anything good befell
He would be wanting, I know full well,
Wanting to take to the togs once more.
Nevertheless, while in these I'm vested,
Ne'er shall you find me craven-crested,
No, for a dittany look I'll wear,
Aye and methinks it will soon be tested,
Hark! how the portals are rustling there.

By the Lord Zeus,
If ever I was here before, if ever
I stole one hair's-worth from you, let me die!
And now I'll make you a right noble offer,
Arrest my lad: torture him as you will,
And if you find I'm guilty, take and kill me.

AEACUS

Torture him, how?

XANTHIAS

In any mode you please.
Pile bricks upon him: stuff his nose with acid:
Flay, rack him, hoist him; flog him with a scourge
Of prickly bristles: only not with this,
A soft-leaved onion, or a tender leek.

AEACUS

A fair proposal. If I strike too hard
And maim the boy, I'll make you compensation.

XANTHIAS

I shan't require it. Take him out and flog him.

AEACUS

Nay, but I'll do it here before your eyes.
Now then, put down the traps, and mind you speak
The truth, young fellow.

Hear him? Yes.
All the more reason you should flog him well.
For if he is a god, he won't perceive it.

DIONYSUS

Well, but you say that you're a god yourself.
So why not you be flogged as well as I?

XANTHIAS

A fair proposal. And be this the test,
Whichever of us two you first behold
Flinching or crying out-he's not the god.

AEACUS

Upon my word you're quite the gentleman,
You're all for right and justice. Strip then, both.

XANTHIAS

How can you test us fairly?

AEACUS

Easily. I'll give you blow for blow.

XANTHIAS

A good idea.
We're ready now!

AEACUS strikes him

see if you catch me flinching.

AEACUS

I struck you.

XANTHIAS incredulously

No!

AEACUS

Well, it seems "no" indeed.
Now then I'll strike the other.

Strikes DIONYSUS.

DIONYSUS

Tell me when?

AEACUS

I struck you.

DIONYSUS

Struck me? Then why didn't I sneeze?

AEACUS

Don't know, I'm sure. I'll try the other again.

XANTHIAS

And quickly too. Good gracious!

AEACUS

Why "good gracious"?
Not hurt you, did I?

XANTHIAS

No, I merely thought of
The Diomeian feast of Heracles.

AEACUS

A holy man! 'Tis now the other's turn.

DIONYSUS

Hi! Hi!

AEACUS

Hallo!

DIONYSUS

Look at those horsemen, look!

AEACUS

But why these tears?

DIONYSUS

There's such a smell of onions.

AEACUS

Then you don't mind it?

DIONYSUS cheerfully

Mind it? Not a bit.

AEACUS

Well, I must go to the other one again.

XANTHIAS

O! O!

AEACUS

Hallo!

XANTHIAS

Do pray pull out this thorn.

AEACUS

What does it mean? 'Tis this one's turn again.

DIONYSUS shrieking

Apollo! Lord!

calmly

of Delos and of Pytho.

XANTHIAS

He flinched! You heard him?

DIONYSUS

Not at all; a jolly Verse of Hipponax flashed across my mind.

XANTHIAS

You don't half do it: cut his flanks to pieces.

AEACUS

By Zeus, well thought on. Turn your belly here.

DIONYSUS screaming

Poseidon!

XANTHIAS

There! he's flinching.

DIONYSUS singing

who dost reign
Amongst the Aegean peaks and creeks
And oer the deep blue main.

AEACUS

No, by Demeter, still I can't find out
Which is the god, but come ye both indoors;
My lord himself and Persephassa there,
Being gods themselves, will soon find out the truth.

DIONYSUS

Right! right! I only wish you had thought of
that
Before you gave me those tremendous whacks.

Exeunt DIONYSUS, XANTHIAS, AEACUS, and attendants.

CHORUS

Come, Muse, to our Mystical Chorus,
O come to the joy of my song,
O see on the benches before us that countless and wonderful
throng,
Where wits by the thousand abide, with more than a Cleophon's
pride-
On the lips of that foreigner base, of Athens the bane and
disgrace,
There is shrieking, his kinsman by race,
The garrulous swallow of Thrace;
From that perch of exotic descent,
Rejoicing her sorrow to vent,
She pours to her spirit's content, a nightingale's woful
lament,
That e'en though the voting be equal, his ruin will soon be the
sequel.
Well it suits the holy Chorus evermore with counsel
wise
To exhort and teach the city; this we therefore now
advise-
End the townsmen's apprehensions; equalize the rights of
all;
If by Phrynichus's wrestlings some perchance sustained a
fall,
Yet to these 'tis surely open, having put away their
sin,
For their slips and vacillations pardon at your hands to
win.
Give your brethren back their franchise.
Sin and shame it were that slaves,
Who have once with stern devotion fought your battle on the
waves,
Should be straightway lords and masters, yea Plataeans fully
blown-
Not that this deserves our censure; there I praise you; there
alone
Has the city, in her anguish, policy and wisdom
shown-
Nay but these, of old accustomed on our ships to fight and
win,
(They, their fathers too before them), these our very kith and
kin,
You should likewise, when they ask you, pardon for their single
sin.
O by nature best and wisest,
O relax your jealous ire,
Let us all the world as kinsfolk and as citizens
acquire,
All who on our ships will battle well and bravely by our
side.
If we cocker up our city, narrowing her with senseless
pride,
Now when she is rocked and reeling in the cradles of the
sea,
Here again will after ages deem we acted brainlessly.
And O if I'm able to scan the habits and life of a
man
Who shall rue his iniquities soon! not long shall that little
baboon,
That Cleigenes shifty and small, the wickedest bathman of
all
Who are lords of the earth-which is brought from the isle of Cimolus,
and wrought
With nitre and lye into soap-
Not long shall he vex us, I hope.
And this the unlucky one knows,
Yet ventures a peace to oppose,
And being addicted to blows he carries a stick as he
goes,
Lest while he is tipsy and reeling, some robber his cloak should be
stealing.
Often has it crossed my fancy, that the city loves to
deal
With the very best and noblest members of her commonweal, just as with
our ancient coinage, and the newly-minted gold.
Yea for these, our sterling pieces, all of pure Athenian
mould,
All of perfect die and metal, all the fairest of the
fair,
All of workmanship unequalled, proved and valued
everywhere
Both amongst our own Hellenes and Barbarians far
away,
These we use not: but the worthles pinchbeck coins of
yesterday,
Vilest die and basest metal, now we always use instead.
Even so, our sterling townsmen, nobly born and nobly
bred,
Men of worth and rank and mettle, men of honourable
fame,
Trained in every liberal science, choral dance and manly
game,
These we treat with scorn and insult, but the strangers newliest
come,
Worthless sons of worthless fathers, pinchbeck townsmen, yellowy
scum,
Whom in earlier days the city hardly would have stooped to
use
Even for her scapegoat victims, these for every task we
choose.
O unwise and foolish people, yet to mend your ways
begin;
Use again the good and useful: so hereafter, if ye
win
'Twill be due to this your wisdom: if ye fall, at least 'twill
be
Not a fall that brings dishonour, falling from a worthy tree.

Enter AEACUS, XANTHIAS and two attendants.

AEACUS

By Zeus the Saviour, quite the gentleman
Your master is.

XANTHIAS

Gentleman? I believe you.
He's all for wine and women, is my master.

AEACUS

But not to have flogged you, when the truth came
out
That you, the slave, were passing off as master!

XANTHIAS

He'd get the worst of that.

AEACUS

Bravo! that's spoken
Like a true slave: that's what I love myself.

XANTHIAS

You love it, do you?

AEACUS

Love it? I'm entranced
When I can curse my lord behind his back.

XANTHIAS

How about grumbling, when you have felt the
stick,
And scurry out of doors?

AEACUS

That's jolly too.

XANTHIAS

How about prying?

AEACUS

That beats everything,

XANTHIAS

Great Kin-god Zeus! And what of overhearing
Your master's secrets?

AEACUS

What? I'm mad with joy.

XANTHIAS

And blabbing them abroad?

AEACUS

O heaven and earth!
When I do that, I can't contain myself.

XANTHIAS

Phoebus Apollo! clap your hand in mine,
Kiss and be kissed: and prithee tell me this,
Tell me by Zeus, our rascaldom's own god,
What's all that noise within? What means this hubbub
And row?

AEACUS

That's Aeschylus and Euripides.

XANTHIAS

Eh?

AEACUS

Wonderful, wonderful things are going on.
The dead are rioting, taking different sides.

XANTHIAS

Why, what's the matter?

AEACUS

There's a custom here
With all the crafts, the good and noble crafts,
That the chief master of art in each
Shall have his dinner in the assembly hall,
And sit by Pluto's side.

XANTHIAS

I understand.

AEACUS

Until another comes, more wise than he
In the same art: then must the first give way.

XANTHIAS

And how has this disturbed our Aeschylus?

AEACUS

'Twas he that occupied the tragic chair,
As, in his craft, the noblest.

XANTHIAS

Who does now?

AEACUS

But when Euripides came down, he kept
Flourishing off before the highwaymen,
Thieves, burglars, parricides-these form our mob
In Hades-till with listening to his twists
And turns, and pleas and counterpleas, they went
Mad on the man, and hailed him first and wisest:
Elate with this, he claimed the tragic chair
Where Aeschylus was seated.

XANTHIAS

Wasn't he pelted?

AEACUS

Not he: the populace clamoured out to try
Which of the twain was wiser in his art.

XANTHIAS

You mean the rascals?

AEACUS

Aye, as high as heaven!

XANTHIAS

But were there none to side with Aeschylus?

AEACUS

Scanty and sparse the good,

regards the audience

the same as here.

XANTHIAS

And what does Pluto now propose to do?

AEACUS

He means to hold a tournament, and bring
Their tragedies to the proof.

XANTHIAS

But Sophocles,
How came not he to claim the tragic chair?

AEACUS

Claim it? Not he! When he came down, he
kissed
With reverence Aeschylus, and clasped his hand,
And yielded willingly the chair to him.
But now he's going, says Cleidemides,
To sit third-man: and then if Aeschylus win,
He'll stay content: if not, for his art's sake,
He'll fight to the death against Euripides.

XANTHIAS

Will it come off?

AEACUS

O yes, by Zeus, directly.
And then, I hear, will wonderful things be done,
The art poetic will be weighed in scales.

XANTHIAS

What I weigh out tragedy, like butcher's meat?

AEACUS

Levels they'll bring, and measuring-tapes for
words,
And moulded oblongs,

XANTHIAS

Is it bricks they are making?

AEACUS

Wedges and compasses: for Euripides
Vows that he'll test the dramas, word by word.

XANTHIAS

Aeschylus chafes at this, I fancy.

AEACUS

Well, He lowered his brows, upglaring like a bull.

XANTHIAS

And who's to be the judge?

AEACUS

There came the rub.
Skilled men were hard to find: for with the Athenians
Aeschylus, somehow, did not hit it off,

XANTHIAS

Too many burglars, I expect, he thought.

AEACUS

And all the rest, he said, were trash and
nonsense
To judge poetic wits. So then at last
They chose your lord, an expert in the art.
But we go in for when our lords are bent
On urgent business, that means blows for us.

CHORUS

O surely with terrible wrath will the thunder-voiced monarch
be filled,
When he sees his opponent beside him, the tonguester, the
artifice-skilled,
Stand, whetting his tusks for the fight!
O surely, his eyes rolling-fell
Will with terrible madness be fraught I
O then will be charging of plume-waving words with their wild-floating
mane,
And then will be whirling of splinters, and phrases smoothed down with
the plane,
When the man would the grand-stepping maxims, the language gigantic,
repel
Of the hero-creator of thought.
There will his shaggy-born crest upbristle for anger and
woe,
Horribly frowning and growling, his fury will launch at the
foe
Huge-clamped masses of words, with exertion Titanic
up-tearing
Great ship-timber planks for the fray.
But here will the tongue be at work, uncoiling, word-testing,
refining,
Sophist-creator of phrases, dissecting, detracting,
maligning,
Shaking the envious bits, and with subtle analysis
paring
The lung's large labour away.

Here apparently there is a complete change of scene, to the Hall
of Pluto, with himself sitting on his throne, and DIONYSUS, AESCHYLUS,
and the foreground.

EURIPIDES

Don't talk to me; I won't give up the chair,
I say I am better in the art than he.

DIONYSUS

You hear him, Aeschylus: why don't you speak?

EURIPIDES

He'll do the grand at first, the juggling
trick
He used to play in all his tragedies.

DIONYSUS

Come, my fine fellow, pray don't talk to big.

EURIPIDES

I know the man, I've scanned him through and
through,
A savage-creating stubborn-pulling fellow,
Uncurbed, unfettered, uncontrolled of speech,
Unperiphrastic, bombastiloquent.

Not till I've made you see the sort of man
This cripple-maker is who crows so loudly.

DIONYSUS

Bring out a ewe, a black-fleeced ewe, my
boys:
Here's a typhoon about to burst upon us.

AESCHYLUS

Thou picker-up of Cretan monodies,
Foisting thy tales of incest on the stage-

DIONYSUS

Forbear, forbear, most honoured Aeschylus;
And you, my poor Euripides, begone
If you are wise, out of this pitiless hail,
Lest with some heady word he crack your scull
And batter out your brain-less Telephus.
And not with passion, Aeschylus, but calmly
Test and be tested. 'Tis not meet for poets
To scold each other, like two baking-girls.
But you go roaring like an oak on fire.

EURIPIDES

I'm ready, I don't draw back one bit.
I'll lash or, if he will, let him lash first
The talk, the lays, the sinews of a play:
Aye and my Peleus, aye and Aeolus.
And Meleager, aye and Telephus.

DIONYSUS

And what do you propose? Speak, Aeschylus.

AESCHYLUS

I could have wished to meet him otherwhere.
We fight not here on equal terms.

DIONYSUS

Why not?

AESCHYLUS

My poetry survived me: his died with him:
He's got it here, all handy to recite.
Howbeit, if so you wish it, so we'll have it.

DIONYSUS

O bring me fire, and bring me frankincense.
I'll pray, or e'er the clash of wits begin,
To judge the strife with high poetic skill.
Meanwhile

to the CHORUS

invoke the Muses with a song.

CHORUS

O Muses, the daughters divine of Zeus, the immaculate
Nine,
Who gaze from your mansions serene on intellects subtle and
keen,
When down to the tournament lists, in bright-polished wit they
descend,
With wrestling and turnings and twists in the battle of words to
contend,
O come and behold what the two antagonist poets can
do,
Whose mouths are the swiftest to teach grand language and filings of
speech:
For now of their wits is the sternest encounter commencing in earnest.

Ether, my pasture, volubly-rolling tongue,
Intelligent wit and critic nostrils keen,
O well and neatly may I trounce his plays!

CHORUS

We also are yearning from these to be learning
Some stately measure, some majestic grand
Movement telling of conflicts nigh.
Now for battle arrayed they stand,
Tongues embittered, and anger high.
Each has got a venturesome will,
Each an eager and nimble mind;
One will wield, with artistic skill,
Clearcut phrases, and wit refined;
Then the other, with words defiant,