Because this is the Wednesday before the ‘official’ Holiday Shopping kickoff known as Black Friday – I thought a little PSA from 2 years ago was appropriate.

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Shop-zilla in its natural habitat

No matter what you call this month-plus of celebratory gluttony, your original reason for the recognition of this special day/week/month has been out-sung by one Goliath with deeper pockets and blood ties to Big Advert: the retail industry. In fact, Shop-zilla’s demands (to go forth, spend a lot of money on useless crap your friends, family and/or co-workers don’t really need, in order to receive the same said back) have over-ridden any other (read: petty, in Shop-zilla speak) considerations for this last month of the Gregorian Calendar Year.

Shop-zilla will go on to implore you to not forget the gift receipts, so all that stuff can go BACK to the store and exchanged for the cash that it has spent a lot of time and effort to make the average consumer consider gauche to give in the first place.

Shop-zilla is not completely heartless, though – it did work on a very positive PR campaign for gift cards in lieu of cash, to the tune of ringing cash registers everywhere, a few years back. It was considered a claws-down success.

After-Holiday sales are just as crucial as the before-Holiday ones for feeding Shop-zilla.

I want to personally remind you to wish everyone the Happiest, Merriest, and most awesome-ist of this special celebratory time while fighting over that close-to-the-door parking space, or the only remaining in stock item of the electronic gizmo-of-the-year.

The sad part of this celebratory season are the number of people lately taking egregious offense at someone wishing them THEIR version of this special season’s well-wishes, instead of the ‘offendee’s’ own, which they make no effort to disclose prior to that chance-meeting out in public.

I saw a news article (well…someone called it news) on a woman who was so incensed over a cashier wishing them “Happy Holidays!” instead of ‘Merry Christmas!,’ that a fisticuffs broke out.

I really wish I was making this up!

I have a special left of reality solution for this rampant “I’m so keyed up I need to take offense at semantics” issue. Three solutions, actually, which I am prepared to share with the world – completely, totally, and absolutely free of charge.

“Free?????” howls Shop-zilla…

Idea #1

If you wish to have the greeting of your choice uttered within earshot -and specifically TO you- by perfect strangers in the midst of the busiest shopping event of the year – you must have said greeting tattooed on your forehead. This must be in plain sight, and not hidden by any caps, scarves, or hair. The largest font available to fit your forehead is recommended. I would suggest the color scheme be composed of glaringly-clashing hues, to further heighten visibility.

Not into ink? An alternate would be to wear a banner, a beanie, a ball cap, or another brightly-colored and easy-to-read article of apparel that is, again, in plain sight. LED lights should be stitched into the fabric and set on a high rate of flash, to really draw the eyes of everyone. The goal here is: You HAVE to let the world – every single random stranger you could possibly meet – know exactly what your preferred greeting IS.

I would also suggest multiple languages be considered, just in case someone you come across does not speak your native tongue.

This should hold humanity over until a proper virus that imparts telepathy to the population can be developed and released.

Idea #2

Alternately – how about we switch the official greeting of this celebratory season to what it REALLY is in the eyes of the world: “Go Forth and Shop.” This, if you haven’t already guessed, is Shop-zilla’s favorite…

I can see it already:

Simple. Logical. Perfect. And highly recommended by four out of five Social Programming Specialists. Fisticuffs, ambulance rides, and ER visits REALLY get in the way of holiday over-spending.

Idea #3

We all, as a species, learn to accept well-wishing greetings in the spirit they are given, rather than focusing on (and getting pissed over) minute differences in culture.

Nope. Not me. Smells cold – icy, actually. Winter temperatures have finally settled on Wisconsin. Not the snow that everyone was hoping would fall in time for Christmas – just the cold.

Now, if I lived in a sane environment, like Florida (apologies to any Floridians I may have insulted with this statement…) the new year might smell more wonderful – like the salty-tang of the ocean spray…or the floral notes from your favorite blooming garden shrubbery…but it certainly wouldn’t smell cold.

Right now, it is 4 degrees. With the winds up and ruffling everyone’s hair – the weather station says it feels like -10.

Brrrrr.

I certainly didn’t want to get out of bed this morning and make the trek through the freezer to work. The cats didn’t want to see me go, either – they’d rather I performed the much more important task of comfortably settling into my recliner to be their warm-blooded furniture with hands that gently stroke the fur. But…duty calls!

last year, on my way to work, after a ‘light’ snow.

I really should be used to this by now – I’ve lived in the frozen Mid-west all my life – and every year it gets “Wow, that windchill is vicious!” cold. Every year I re-acclimate myself to the heavy boots, the heavy coat, and gloves. Every year I leave the house a few minutes earlier than usual, so the car can have the 5 minutes it needs to warm up before I put it in drive and head to work.

But hey! – at least we’re over the sunshine dimming a bit quicker each year, and are on the upward swing toward more light each day. In this kind of cold, you gotta take whatever little happy moments you can get.

New Year’s eve is presented as a time to ‘reset.’

Facebook, and other social media, are awash in everyone declaring how they’re going to be a better person once we toss the 2014 calendars, and hang new ones.

Oh…and in Wisconsin…we’re gearing up for the Beer-fest this evening. Everyone spend the last few hours of the old year getting so sodding drunk you can’t remember the first few hours of the new one.

Have I mentioned lately that Wisconsin runs on hops?

So what are my resolutions? I don’t have any. I resolved quite a number of years ago to not do the New Year’s resolution bit…with great success, I might add.

No matter what you call this month-plus of celebratory gluttony, your original reason for the recognition of this special day/week/month has been out-sung by one Goliath with deeper pockets and blood ties to Big Advert: the retail industry. In fact, Shop-zilla’s demands (to go forth, spend a lot of money on useless crap your friends, family and/or co-workers don’t really need, in order to receive the same said back) have over-ridden any other (read: petty, in Shop-zilla speak) considerations for this last month of the Gregorian Calendar Year.

Shop-zilla will go on to implore you to not forget the gift receipts, so all that stuff can go BACK to the store and exchanged for the cash that it has spent a lot of time and effort to make the average consumer consider gauche to give in the first place.

Shop-zilla is not completely heartless, though – it did work on a very positive PR campaign for gift cards in lieu of cash, to the tune of ringing cash registers everywhere, a few years back. It was considered a claws-down success.

After-Holiday sales are just as crucial as the before-Holiday ones for feeding Shop-zilla.

I want to personally remind you to wish everyone the Happiest, Merriest, and most awesome-ist of this special celebratory time while fighting over that close-to-the-door parking space, or the only remaining in stock item of the electronic gizmo-of-the-year.

The sad part of this celebratory season are the number of people lately taking egregious offense at someone wishing them THEIR version of this special season’s well-wishes, instead of the ‘offendee’s’ own, which they make no effort to disclose prior to that chance-meeting out in public.

I saw a news article (well…someone called it news) on a woman who was so incensed over a cashier wishing them “Happy Holidays!” instead of ‘Merry Christmas!,’ that a fisticuffs broke out.

I really wish I was making this up!

I have a special left of reality solution for this rampant “I’m so keyed up I need to take offense at semantics.” Three solutions, actually, which I am prepared to share with the world – completely, totally, and absolutely free of charge.

“Free?????” howls Shop-zilla…

Idea #1

If you wish to have the greeting of your choice uttered within earshot -and specifically TO you- by perfect strangers in the midst of the busiest shopping event of the year – you must have said greeting tattooed on your forehead. This must be in plain sight, and not hidden by any caps, scarves, or hair. The largest font available to fit your forehead is recommended. I would suggest the color scheme be composed of glaringly-clashing hues, to further heighten visibility.

Not into ink? An alternate would be to wear a banner, a beanie, a ball cap, or another brightly-colored and easy-to-read article of apparel that is, again, in plain sight. LED lights should be stitched into the fabric and set on a high rate of flash, to really draw the eyes of everyone. The goal here is: You HAVE to let the world – every single random stranger you could possibly meet – know exactly what your preferred greeting IS.

I would also suggest multiple languages be considered, just in case someone you come across does not speak your native tongue.

This should hold humanity over until a proper virus that imparts telepathy to the population can be developed and released.

Idea #2

Alternately – how about we switch the official greeting of this celebratory season to what it REALLY is in the eyes of the world: “Go Forth and Shop.” This, if you haven’t already guessed, is Shop-zilla’s favorite…

I can see it already:

Simple. Logical. Perfect. And highly recommended by four out of five Social Programming Specialists. Fisticuffs, ambulance rides, and ER visits REALLY get in the way of over-spending.

Idea #3

We all, as a species, learn to accept well-wishing greetings in the spirit they are given, rather than focusing on (and getting pissed over) minute differences in culture.