Meet Cesar Sayoc

October 27, 2018

Uufff. Just one more set. Got to keep my muscles big and bigger so I can be a stripper or, more likely in my fifties, a bouncer. I’m a tough guy. I know about wrestling and mixed martial arts. I haven’t been using those skills recently, though, because I’m a witty guy and been working four nights a week as a DJ in a strip club. The girls there think I’m cool but I guess they like the younger guys more because they never invite me home. I can’t invite them home because I live in my van. My mom kicked me out of the house a few years ago and this January I lost my regular job delivering pizzas or I’m sure the girls would be interested. I’m not worried about them.

I’m focused on helping President Trump Make America Great Again. See that video. That’s me in the red MAGA cap, and I’m holding high a sign about CNN sucking and other important facts. My van’s so pretty with big stickers about people trying to ruin America. You know who they are: Muslims, blacks, gays, Jews, liberals – I warn them all the time on my three Twitter and two Facebook accounts and of course on my incredible van. Like it says in the lower right window on the passenger side:

ZERO TOLERANCE
KILL YOUR ENEMY AND
THOSE WHO ROB YOU
THEN TAKE THEM TO
EVERGLAD FOR GATORS

Don’t make a big deal I left off the “es” in Everglades. I often forget the s at end of words. That doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s right. I attended college in the early nineteen eighties and am plenty smart and you better believe I’m all white. I may look a little brown but that’s only because my bastard Filipino father left me when I was a child. And, like I said, my mother booted me but at least she’s white like me. I’m a proud white and damn tired of having this country and my life screwed up by those who oppose President Trump.

I’m not a criminal. I’m a patriot. I know you’re reading I’ve been arrested about ten times. I stole a little, but only to get by, and kicked a few asses, trying to survive, and took some drugs, hoping to make my enemies go away. I wasn’t trying to kill them. I just sent pipe bombs to Obama and the Clintons and CNN and Eric Holder and George Soros and Robert De Niro and others to warn them to shut up. I’d rather talk and tweet and make my van cool than hurt anyone. My family, instead of sticking up for me, is telling the Fake News media that I need help because I don’t understand reality and lack common sense and am disturbed because I know there’s nothing wrong with me.