I really have nothing right now, but I thought we could use one, considering we do get threads where someone brings up their own situation, but they might not want their own name showing up at that tense time as the thread creator.

So here it is! Where you can talk about what's on your mind about the complications of love and life and all of that. Going through grief? Can't tell if its love? Or if they are a jerk and you are so used to jerks you don't know you can do better? Want to get ideas on how to open up communication better than you are doing it right now?

Here we go! And to start, for the heck of it I will post an article about love and science (cuz my new love is a scientist as well so that makes it fun, and she lives 2 hours away)

Scientific American article on "Why it hurts to be away" from a partner, and also, why its scary and hard to leave a relationship even if its not the best...Under the spoiler, mostly for size.

Everyone knows it’s no fun to be away from your significant other. Studies using anecdotal evidence have indicated that long-term separation from a romantic partner can lead to increased anxiety and depression as well as problems such as sleep disturbances. Now researchers are identifying the neurochemical mechanisms behind these behavioral and physiological effects.

In a study published last fall, researchers showed that male prairie voles that had been separated from their female partners for four days—a much shorter amount of separation time than researchers had previously found to affect the voles’ physiology—exhibited depressionlike behavior and had increased levels of corticosterone, the rodent equivalent of the human stress hormone cortisol. Males that had been separated from their male siblings did not display any of these symptoms, implying the response was tied specific­ally to mate separation, not just social isolation. When the animals received a drug that blocked cortico­sterone re­lease, they no longer exhibited depres­sionlike behavior following partner sep­aration, confirming that stress hor­mones were at the root of the response.

In many ways, separation appears to resemble drug withdrawal. Studies have shown that in monogamous animals, cohabiting and mating increase levels of oxytocin and vasopressin—hormones that foster emotional attachments—and activate brain areas associated with reward. As a result, when prairie voles are separated from their partners even for a short time, they experience with­drawal-like symptoms, says Larry Young, a behavioral neuroscientist at Emory University’s Yerkes National Primate Research Center and co-author of the study. “In the short term, I think [this mechanism] creates an aversive state so that the animals want to seek out their partner to hold that bond together,” Young says.

In a recent study of human couples, social psychologist Lisa Diamond of the University of Utah observed minor withdrawal-like symptoms, such as irritability and sleep disturbances, along with an increase in cortisol in subjects after they were separated four to seven days. Participants who repor­ted high anxiety about their relation­ships had the biggest spikes in cortisol levels, but even those who reported low levels of stress and anxiety during the separation exhibited some degree of increased cortisol and physical discomfort. These results, like those from Young’s study, indicate a specific link between separation and increased cortisol, implying cortisol-blocking drugs may benefit people struggling to cope with partner separation, too.

Researchers believe the pair bond evolved from the parent-child bond, which may ex­plain why we feel romantic attachments so strongly. The same neurochemicals—oxy­tocin, vasopressin and dopamine—have been implicated in both relationships, and the be­havioral patterns associated with parental and romantic bond formation and sepa­ration are also similar. “We think about parent-child relationships and adult ro­man­tic relationships as being funda­mentally different,” Diamond explains, “but it really boils down to the same functional purpose: creating a psycho­logical drive to be near the other person, to want to take care of them, and being resistant to being separated from them.”

Future studies about romantic attachment will focus on using the findings from research such as Young’s and Diamond’s to develop new treatments for grief associated with partner separation or loss and for disorders that involve social deficits, such as schizophrenia and autism.

Note: This article was originally printed with the title, "Separation Anxiety for Adults".

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

I have had jobs (one for 6 years and hopefully starting a new one soon) where I travel a moderate amount for travel. About 25%. My partner travels out of the country about 4x a year for 2-3 weeks at a time.

It is tough. Really, it is. But....it kind of brings us closer together too. We value our time together, even when we are just hanging out or doing chores or whatever. But yes, there is seperation anxeity for sure. I will wake up in the middle of the night in tears in a big empty bed in a cold lonely hotel room. It's tough to get to sleep alone at home. Although I have moderate anxeity problems, he is the most chill guy ever...and when we are apart for more than a few days, he tells me he gets really irritable, problems sleeping etc. His employees/co-workers call him GrumpyPants when I am on a business trip.

We do try to talk every day when we can though. It makes going to sleep a lot easier in a lonely hotel room if he can tell me goodnight first! I have had co-workers that go literally for weeks without talking to thier SO's. I don't get that.

Related note: Skype is awesome. So is Viper, which is an application on your phone where you can use the PHONE to talk, using a wireless connection. This is very handy if you are out of the country, but have wireless and want to talk, but not necessarily Skype. Many companies will let you expense WiFi in your hotel, but not long distance phone calls. So we use this a lot :)

I've only been dating my guy for 2 months. I really like him, and I think I may like him more than he likes me. He just told me he has to travel to Singapore next month for work. I'm terrified that he won't come back.

Back story: Dated a guy last year who went home for 3 weeks over Christmas (to Canada, to see the family) and ended up permanently relocating there because his mom got seriously ill while he was there. I never saw him again.

I know the two stories are nothing alike, but in my mind they are. I like this guy more than I've ever liked anyone and for whatever reason, I seem to carry around a black cloud of bad karma that ruins everything good.

I have been too wimpy to make an "announcement thread" for myself on here, though I had wanted to out my situation, and there are some ppkers that already know, but I am currently legally seperated from my husband. Thanks for the venting venue! It was a shocking, sudden seperation complicated by a no-contact order and police involvement....and me spending twelve hours in police cells while an investigation agaisnt me was completed for my spouse to file a charge of allegedly "uttering a threat to commit serious bodily harm" to him. Something definitely did happen, of which I am not proud for having lost my grip on my verbal temper, and it was an ugly mess, though, as most situations that I hear of like this, my version of events does differ from his quite a lot. So, theres that. I didn't even know that he had went to police, and it was very upsetting because he and I were at the police station, and our daughter was alone excpet for being looked after by a police officer well past her bedtime, but while I knew she wouldn't be sleeping. I hate saying this, because it makes it seem like my life is so dangerous and wild, and it is not, but there are some definite "issues". Plus now it is a typical "he said/she said" nobody-wins exposing all the crepe that ever happened scenario. Anyways, the forced seperation is one whole thing, but, being that the domestic dispute happened and there has been no resumed contact between us (This happened December 12, btw, so right before the holidays!) it is now a legal seperation, and there are going to be custody issues with our 10 year old daughter, as I have already obtained Legal Aid under the status as a single mother so that I cn filefor her to be returned to my custody a.s.a.p. and to receive spousal support and possibly child support. There have been no allegation about my conduct toward my daughter, nor do I expect that to be called into question, as I have lovingly been the main caregiver to her for 10 years now, though you never know for sure when you are left in the dark what can happen.

My Mom had been acting as the third-party to arrange drop-offs and pick-ups of our daughter wile she went betwen our two domiciles for now, but it is too hard on her, and she is not able to be nearly "neutral" enough, so now I have hired a facilitator from a court-recommended agency that provides netral third party representatives. I am trying to prove interest in my daughters care and best interest, and that, really, is where my interests do lie. I don't know who will live where in the future, including me, though I am in the marital home right now, and I do know I am hurting, I miss my husband even though I know it is an impossible situation, and I miss my cats and want them to come too. Sorry if this is tmi, I wanted to get it out there to people who seemingly kind of "know how I am" in my heart (you guys!) and I wanted to say I know I need to change, I am voluntarily working on the anger and bitterness I feel towards this relationship, going to some counselling sessions, and I know I am depressed as hell right now and for who knows how long previous? Thanks for listening! Hope I can come through this and be a good parent and give another relationship consideration in the future, though, right now, I am never wanting to get married ever again. I also want my daughter's Dad to get the help he needs to be happy in life and work on himself, so that we can parent together, even if it is from afar.

Thanks, lycophyte! Yes, it's hard and difinitely DID break down big. It's stupid, because I had been mentioning to him for at least a few months that maybe we should seperate, but thought that it would be insensitive, etc. timing because we just had a late-term miscarriage at the end of September, annd my thinking was, "well, if I hadn't lost that baby, and was still pregnant, we wouldn't see fit to split up then"... I see now I should I have made it happen then after the miscarriage anyways, and NOT just told him about it, but actually done it. Sometimes I feel as though I was born under the planets that mean I must learn all big lessons for myself, the hard way. Ugh.

I know the two stories are nothing alike, but in my mind they are. I like this guy more than I've ever liked anyone and for whatever reason, I seem to carry around a black cloud of bad karma that ruins everything good.

Pshaw. No one has a black cloud of karma. Bad luck in a past relationship has no bearing on a new one. Onward!

I know the two stories are nothing alike, but in my mind they are. I like this guy more than I've ever liked anyone and for whatever reason, I seem to carry around a black cloud of bad karma that ruins everything good.

Pshaw. No one has a black cloud of karma. Bad luck in a past relationship has no bearing on a new one. Onward!

Yup! Unless you believe it will and then it can be a self fulfilling prophecy of doom. But only if you think so, if you don't you are fine! That's what I've been working on anyway...not believing my internal doomclock.

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

Scoots, I firmly believe that talking about insecurities should always happen. He'll probably say, "Yeah right! How could I not come back and see someone as RAD as you???"(Seriously, though.) It shouldn't ever be a bad thing to mention it and bring it up. I've got lots of baggage and insecurities I bring up as they happen, and people who care are willing to show (and tell) you not to worry.

1strangegirl...I offer condolences, hugs, and best wishes. Courts are hard for kids, too (as I'm sure you know!) so remember to give as many hugs and reminders to your daughter that you love her and want to know what she's feeling and thinking. It will help her and you!

So...since this thread is thus far sadstuff, here's a happystuff: my boyfriend is easily the most incredible person I have ever been with. He is sweet, kind, understanding, calm, funny, totally nerdy, social (so I can stay in my shell), and really loves me. This is the first time I've ever known someone loved me and damn it feels good. I had no idea relationships were supposed to be like this.

Sometimes I feel as though I was born under the planets that mean I must learn all big lessons for myself, the hard way. Ugh.

hang in there. i often wonder the same thing myself.

i had a really similar situation years ago including police, custody, etc etc and would just like to ask you to please be kind to yourself. It's really hard, and I wish I could give you a big hug. I now see I had some really good support to get through it, I hope you do too.

Scoots, I firmly believe that talking about insecurities should always happen. He'll probably say, "Yeah right! How could I not come back and see someone as RAD as you???"(Seriously, though.) It shouldn't ever be a bad thing to mention it and bring it up. I've got lots of baggage and insecurities I bring up as they happen, and people who care are willing to show (and tell) you not to worry.

1strangegirl...I offer condolences, hugs, and best wishes. Courts are hard for kids, too (as I'm sure you know!) so remember to give as many hugs and reminders to your daughter that you love her and want to know what she's feeling and thinking. It will help her and you!

So...since this thread is thus far sadstuff, here's a happystuff: my boyfriend is easily the most incredible person I have ever been with. He is sweet, kind, understanding, calm, funny, totally nerdy, social (so I can stay in my shell), and really loves me. This is the first time I've ever known someone loved me and damn it feels good. I had no idea relationships were supposed to be like this.

Thanks panda, lyco, and missd. Hoping to chat with him tonight if possible.

So glad you have such an awesome guy, miss d! I would love to have that kind of relationship.

I was apart from my boyfriend for 6 months when I relocated to Oregon in 2009. He followed half a year later. It was actually kind of awesome. We sent each other tons of mail and little packages and Skyped pretty often. I love having all the letters we sent. It was hard, but it made it all the sweeter when we moved in together. We'll have been together 4 years this February.

1strangegbg- so sorry to hear of your situation. I hope you find some resolution to all your issues. It sounds as though you are headed down the right track.

Chicki wrote:

I have had jobs (one for 6 years and hopefully starting a new one soon) where I travel a moderate amount for travel. About 25%. My partner travels out of the country about 4x a year for 2-3 weeks at a time.

It is tough. Really, it is. But....it kind of brings us closer together too. We value our time together, even when we are just hanging out or doing chores or whatever. But yes, there is seperation anxeity for sure. I will wake up in the middle of the night in tears in a big empty bed in a cold lonely hotel room. It's tough to get to sleep alone at home. Although I have moderate anxeity problems, he is the most chill guy ever...and when we are apart for more than a few days, he tells me he gets really irritable, problems sleeping etc. His employees/co-workers call him GrumpyPants when I am on a business trip.

We do try to talk every day when we can though. It makes going to sleep a lot easier in a lonely hotel room if he can tell me goodnight first! I have had co-workers that go literally for weeks without talking to thier SO's. I don't get that.

Related note: Skype is awesome. So is Viper, which is an application on your phone where you can use the PHONE to talk, using a wireless connection. This is very handy if you are out of the country, but have wireless and want to talk, but not necessarily Skype. Many companies will let you expense WiFi in your hotel, but not long distance phone calls. So we use this a lot :)

Per the OPer's article and your post Chicki- I am there, as well. My husband started a job this summer where he is gone 4 or 5 weeks, and then home for a week. We are in debt because of my schooling, and this is really the best answer for our situation, but it is far from ideal. He has been here for a whole 3 weeks due to the holidays, but leaves tomorrow at 3AM. I am always in a funk the day he leaves, but I fear tomorrow will be worse because we've really gotten into a normal routine.

We've been together 14 years and our r-ship is strong, but I really do get anxious and sad when he leaves. Then I fall into my routine, and it seems a little easier. We talk most nights. I am very grateful we both have gainful employment, and we are lucky to have these opportunities, and yet there is still a price. We will be doing this for the next 2 years and then re-evaluating our situation.

_________________I once caught the clap from a salty navy bean on shore leave. Damn beans.--Desdemona

I was apart from my boyfriend for 6 months when I relocated to Oregon in 2009. He followed half a year later. It was actually kind of awesome. We sent each other tons of mail and little packages and Skyped pretty often. I love having all the letters we sent. It was hard, but it made it all the sweeter when we moved in together. We'll have been together 4 years this February.

My boyfriend reckons that my vegan farts will smell of roses, he says they probably even come out heart shaped and flutter away. How can I help him with his crushing disappointment when we reach that stage in the relationship?

So my (now ex) boyfriend got back last night from being gone for a month for Christmas Break, the last two weeks of which he has been in New Zealand backpacking, so I hadn't talked to him at all since the day he left. The first thing he says to me when he walks in? "There is no easy way to say this, but I don't have any feelings for you anymore." I'm just so crushed. I don't understand how you can go from loving someone to not carrying for them at all so quickly. And it's even harder because we live in the same apartment, with four other roommates (thankfully we all have our own rooms), but him being so close but unavailable is just killing me.

We talked for a while after he broke up with me, and it was just so hard. We were good friends before we started dating, and that stayed when we were dating. So it was still so easy for us I talk, and at one point we even started joking around, but then I started crying because before, when we'd be talking in my room, we'd be snuggling or atleast I'd of been holding his hand. But I can't do that anymore. At one point in time he gave me a hug, and without even thinking about it I gave him a kiss on the cheek, just out of habit. That led to more crying.

I'm just so confused. He says the thought popped into his head about a week ago. But then Friday he messaged me (after not having heard from him at all since he left) and said he was getting back from NZ Saturday and would call me then. I don't get why he did that he had already decided like he said he had? And then of course Saturday comes and never hear from him, and he doesn't answer my texts, which led to me being upset. I guess the only good news is I knew something was up when he didn't call like he said he would, but I still didn't see "I don't have any feeling for you anymore," coming.

Ugh, I'm just so confused and hurt and this is not the way I saw him coming back. I'm going home for a few days tonight, I just need to get away.

I've had not even three hours of sleep today, and same last night, so I'm sorry if this is a rambley mess, I just needed a place to let it out. Thanks ppk <3

Lots of tears for me today. Saw my guy Sat night and yesterday and it was just so different. No connection. And he got drunk Sat night and made some pretty rotten comments, one was about my "Costco-shiitake" clothing. I'm sorry I can't afford Burberry and Banana Republic like you.

Also, his trip to Vegas is today, and I wanted to take him and pick him up. He's leaving from work today with some coworkers who are also going, so no big deal, but I wanted to pick him up, even though the airport and our places are in opposite directions (we're dating, you go the extra mile for someone you like, plus I'd get to see him). Nope, he'd rather just take the bus. He was so awesome until this weekend, and I know he's been under a lot of stress. I thought I was doing everything right, telling him to make time for and see his friends, only seeing him on the weekends and not going crazy texting him. Oh well. You can't make someone like you. He was such a great guy.

Oh, S_L, I'm so sorry. I think getting a little space from your ex is a really good idea. I went through a really rough breakup about a year ago and the best counsel I got on the subject is a bit obvious, maybe, but I'm going to repeat it: be kind to yourself, spend time with friends, and if you need some space before trying to manage a friendship with your ex, make that space.I hope you get some sleep soon. Take care.

you WERE doing everything right. i'm sorry to hear this guy wasn't treating you in a respectful manner. it's really strange when someone shows a lot of kindness and affection and then does a 180. i think you're awesome and you don't deserve anything short of the best.

you WERE doing everything right. i'm sorry to hear this guy wasn't treating you in a respectful manner. it's really strange when someone shows a lot of kindness and affection and then does a 180. i think you're awesome and you don't deserve anything short of the best.

Yeah, as much as it hurts, you at least dodged someone who would have been a moody jerk sooner, rather than later. Hugs

S_L- Ugh, I'm sorry, that's really hard. I went through that last year with my ex, things suddenly switched in her head, it went so fast. Turns out now she likes me again, but that's too bad cuz I've got a new flame, one that can meet me at my level of emotional intimacy needs. So better could be coming :) Now you just have to figure out housing.

_________________Evolved a vascular system, so I went from bryophyte to lycophyte.

Scooter: I'm so sorry. It sounds like he did a complete about-face. That's really shitty for anyone to talk about your clothing like that. How shallow!

Yeah seriously. you aren't the one with a problem, this guy is.

Exactly. Would you want a long term relationship with someone who can turn like this? Drunk or not, that sort of thing raises a red flag to me. I'm sorry he acted like such a jerk towards you, you deserve better xx

SD, what a asparagus. Making fun of people for not having enough money is so mean, inappropriate and childish (fork, it's inappropriate if you are a child.) What a jerk.

Well its not even having not enough money, some people want to spend money on expensive brands, go for it, I don't care. Many people aren't willing to do that and if someone gives them crepe about them, they are a crappy person.

_________________You are all a disgrace to vegans. Go f*ck yourselves, especially linanil.