Yesterday we heard Michael Bay was “punched in the face” on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong, then Vince updated us with Paramount’s official statement on the matter. Turns out, Bay wasn’t punched in the face; someone “allegedly under the influence of a narcotic substance” tried to hit him in the head with an air conditioner, but Bay ducked out of the way. An air conditioner? That’s a new one.

Now Michael Bay has updated his official website with his own account of the event. We’ll assume he typed this description while mouthing explosion noises and occasionally petting a supermodel dressed as a white tiger.

Hi, it’s Michael.

Yes, the story is being passed around is not all true! Yes, some drugged up guys were being belligerent asses to my crew for hours in the morning of our first shoot day in Hong Kong. One guy rolled metal carts into some of my actors trying to shake us down for thousands of dollars to not play his loud music or hit us with bricks.

Every vendor where we shot got paid a fair price for our inconvenience, but he wanted four times that amount. I personally told this man and his friends to forget it we were not going to let him extort us. He didn’t like that answer. So an hour later he came by my crew as we were shooting, carrying a long air conditioner unit. He walked right up to me and tried to smack my face, but I ducked threw the air unit on the floor and pushed him away. That’s when the security jumped on him. But it took seven big guys to subdue him. It was like a Zombie in Brad Pitt’s movie World War Z—he lifted seven guys up and tried to bite them. He actually bit into one of the guards Nike shoe, insane. Thank god it was an Air Max, the bubble popped, but the toe was saved.

Then it took fifteen Hong Kong cops in riot gear to deal with these punks. In all, four guys were arrested for assaulting the officers.

After that, we had a great day shooting here in Hong Kong. The place couldn’t be better. [Michael Bay via Deadline]

A few thoughts on Michael Bay’s explanation:

You can get paid to not hit people with bricks? We need to stop hitting people with bricks!

“Shout out to World War Z! Fist bumps to my bro, B-Pitt!”

Of course there would be Nike Air Max product placement, even in this.

Seven security guards and fifteen cops in riot gear to subdue one probably-high dude? Garçon, we’ll have what he’s having.

*explosion noises*

*guitar solo*

I guess we’ll have to create a game out of weird news headlines: “Florida or Hong Kong?”