An incorrigible Cognitive Dissident

Sunday with Slog: April Fool’s gold, a pants of liars, & headless chickens in the Telegraph farmyard

In a thinly disguised attempt to spike the guns of Marr & Peston, today The Slog launches Sunday with Slog – a cornucopic catalogue of canny commentary on the cacophony we call IABATO: ‘It’s all bollocks and that’s official.

As another April Fool’s Day came and went with fewer and fewer people noticing either the event itself or the stunts that were pulled, it seemed to me that there was an excellent and obvious reason for this outcome: we are surrounded 24/7 now by news stories so incredible, April 1st has joined other areas of humour like irony and satire in the bin marked ‘pointless’.

And on that sour note, here at Slogger’s Roost we look forward to more of the same to come….

Dateline Brussels, April 1st 2022

EC President for Life Jean-Claude Juncker today announced the construction of a Wall stretching from Esbjerg in Denmark to Seville in Spain in order to discourage multiple attempts by uneducated, swivel-eyed Little Englander drug-dealing scumracist faggots from further Moscow-inspired attempts to destabilise the armed forces of the Peace-loving members of the European Union.

Speaking from a table-top in the famously pacifist Scheissefassen BierKeller in financially transparent Luxembourg, self-confessed teetotaller Herr Bunker pledged to “stop these undesirable British wetbacks from peddling anti-social drugs not half as good as the ones we can import from Egypt thanks to our global buying power among Muslim Brotherhood allies there”.

He went on to explain that British plumbers made destitute by idiotic Anglo-Saxon austerity policies were undercutting ClubMed plumbers made gently poor by the well-meaning monetarist policies of Herr Wolfpack Squabble, and his trusted ally at the European Central Bank, Signor Harry O’Dragnet.

Dateline Beijing, April 1st 2026

Chinese politburo leader Dr No Wei Woi today formally informed the Government of the English PLU’s Republic that the People’s Republic of China would not accept responsibility for the unfortunate accident during initial trials of the Bath Spa Nuclear Power Station last week. Two hours into the trials, the cellophane cover on the four main fission reactors melted as the internal temperature reached Gas Mark IV.

The accident obliterated all human life on the site, which had previously housed the famous Roman Baths. The site was bought and developed for reactor purposes by Cayman Design & Build, a wholly owned subsidiary of BoTimJoYeo Enterprises based in Luxembourg.

In a carefully worded letter to Flat E, 10 Downing Street, Dr No made clear his view that his government had installed thousands of cellophane-capped reactors throughout China, several of which were still standing. He stressed that, despite the name BoTimJoYeo sounding Chinese, the company is in fact owned by Luxembourgeois citizen J-C Juncker – alongside its sister company Yeodorakis Borishagalopolous Taxis, which has its head office in Kalamata, southern Greece.

“Mr Juncker knows nothing at all about this sordid affair, and condemns the attempt to slur his name in this manner,” said an EC spokesperson last night.

Expressing sympathy for the 281,000 vapourised inhabitants of Bath, former MP Mr Tim Yeo also denied any involvement in the venture from his high security cell in Broadmoor. EU Commissioner for Mogherini Affairs Sir Boris Johnson called the outcry “a lot of leftwing poppycock dreamed up by disgruntled Corbynista Red Brigade extremists” and asked for seven counts of Brussels-granted immunity to be taken into account.

Dateline Tannochbrae, April 1st 2029

In a dramatic shootout this afternoon, seventeen Scottish Nazi Party terrorists were shot forty six times in the head from close range while running away from troops of the Fourth Theresa Maytorian Guard near Tannochbrae, somewhere even further north than Manchester and thus of little relevance.

“On her body we found a false passport in the name of Allavender Saeed, along with ISIS membership card N° and two tickets for the Africas Cup Final,” said the rumbustuous Brigadier MP.

MI5 Director General Jeremy Hunt told the BBC that the security services had uncovered a plot to explode Iranian-made tectonic bombs from Berwick on Tweed to Gretna Green and then float Scotland off from the rest of the UK. “OK Jeremy, whatever you say is fine by us” the BBC replied.

What is the collective noun for when two serial liars join forces?

Based on the above (somewhat alarming) shot, I might suggest ‘A twoface of liars’. Or perhaps, ‘a cock and bull of liars’. But I think ‘a duplicity of liars’ nails it most succinctly.

For larger groups of political mendacistas – known colloquially as ‘Parties’ – quite a few come to mind – a distortion, a fabrication, a fraud – but I think a treason of liars gets close to it….and a misrepresentation of liars nails it. On the grounds, you see, that we’re alleged to have a Representation of the People Act, but what we really have is the misrepresentation of the People, thanks to our voting system.

There comes a time in the life of every institution and celebrity when they move on from being tedious and/or ineffective to being objects of amusement, and then eventually parodies of their own ghastliness. This has been true, for example, of the Labour Party, Prince Charles, Lord Mandelson, the European Union, Bill Clinton, the News of the World, John McCain, The Guardian, Evangelos Venizelos, Highgate, and the duplicity of liars featured above.

To this all that glitters is not golden array of hasbeens must now be added The Daily Telegraph, a once fine newspaper which had the misfortune to fall into the Canadian frying pan Conman Black, only then to tumble tragically into the raging fire of the Sarklay twins. These two latter Channel Island princelings turned the paper first into the thinking thug’s Daily Mail, and then a sort of local freesheet in which international banking criminals could pay for friendly editorial.

Now that seekers after Truth are no longer required there, whole swathes of subs, writers and other useful brains have been fired in favour of something based in Yorkshire, and more monkeys churning out what they call didgi-oo these days. The didgi-oo of any worth will be behind a paywall, which is almost certainly the best place for it.

As if to prove the charge of parody, this example of the new farmed-out sub-editing appeared in today’s didgi-oo Telegraph:

16 thoughts on “Sunday with Slog: April Fool’s gold, a pants of liars, & headless chickens in the Telegraph farmyard”

This blog is a contrived twittering nonsense put forward to educate the educated in HMS Great Britain with its head up its arse wearing tight jeans and sipping wine and based on my own vast experiences running chocolate biscuit adverts in Croydon during the 1970’s with one swivel eye glued to the television for fake experience to feed the imagination.

Do we have a license?
Do we have a license to gob off over the public internet like a mouthpiece with agenda. Answer NO.
Regulation is coming. Too many proles spouting nonsense on the airwaves which pollutes and infects everyones brains.

I see according to nick robinson “The presenter of Radio 4’s Today programme said critics should ‘leave it out’ and ‘remain calm’ because the corporation is no longer obliged to balance the two sides of the argument.”
I wonder if the BBC charter allows for such a view? The BBC bleated for years about it’s non partisan coverage of events, What happened?
Perhaps if the BBC luvvies wish to show bias they should undertake the funding of the enterprise as public funding obviously can no longer be justified.
Perhaps the man should be fired forthwith to show the error of his ways.
Or perhaps we are supposed to ignore such blatant misuse of public funds.

evilc
the fuzzy beards is in fact on the ones that look like they came up the coal mine. I was talking about the ones from via Turkey mostly. My german girlfriend always raves about the good looking infidels, but does not really rate them as they are ‘more mouth than trousers’ and so its more about the look of the couple on a date, but no back to my place sort of thing.
Im going to Brighton for Easter so should get laid a few times so long as I can keep the 5 oclock shadow off my inner thighs in my new yellow bikini size 12.

Surely the story that the US will ‘deal with’ North Korea as it represents a clear and present danger to long-haired dope smoking US Servicemen on frigates and destroyers inconveniently parked somewhere off the East Coast of Eurasia must show why April 1st spoof news is dead.

David and Goliath must be the spiritual justification for it (as that justifies the weakling Yankees invading every fantastically strong small nation on earth)?

As I see it, AFD pranks fell flat because they were identical to any other modern news story, a melange of obfuscation, hype, distortion, propaganda and manipulation, possibly but not certainly, based on a tiny seed of truth, but entirely intended to deceive.

Don’t forget Tina the fuzzy beards to tickle your fancy. Oooooh look, hotmail’s onto me so I’ve had to start using gmail. I am just so unutterably sad and lonely….somebody please kill me before I troll again.

The ‘Church’ has been completely corrupted, performs ritual weddings and funerals, discusses gay marriage and female bishops while ‘Mohammed’ walks in and takes over our culture and country. Who dares even mention it?

It’s official, you can’t be both rational and humane and a nationalist. Tim Farron, Labour, and the BBC have all made inflammatory remarks which confirm this without question in order to provide us with a firm answer. Michael Howard has gone into hiding – if only he’d done that 40 years ago.

My initial reaction to the DT’s : “Melting Ice makes Polar bears seek refuge in Scotland” was – whatever will they come out with next in the AGW scam, until I realised it was a perverse April Fool’s/Alistair Campbell way of never letting an opportunity go to waste. It will, nevertheless undoubtedly have frightened some of the horses.

9 months to write a letter declaring article 50 and 4 further days to declare war on Spain. We will have to build a wall around Gibraltar and make Spain pay for it. that editor of yours didn’t last long I bet it was KFC!