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* "NEW TO LOVE" *
* (part 16) *
* by Vince Water 4/04 *
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| Copyright 2002-2006 by Vince Water Corrected 3/06 |
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I notice Jesse's hesitation to join me in the tub.
"What are those, Mike?"
He traces over some faint scars running along my hips. "Oh. They're
stretch marks." I see curiosity in his eyes so I'll explain what caused 'em.
"I was fatter a year ago. That's another reason why I want to get away from
computers. I was writing code all day long at work, rush home to code those
educational programs I'm earning Royalties from until late in the night,
sleep a little, then begin another work day. I was never getting away from
it. You should have seen the wall next to my front door. They were stacked
with pizza boxes, empty cola bottles and chocolate candy wrappers littering
the floor of my apartment. Only my fingers flying over the keyboard were
getting any exercise. Since I've arrived in Montana, my waist has shrunk
down from a pants size 36 to where I am now at 28 because of all the hiking
and stuff I've been doing."
"You were fat?"
"Yeah." Jes acts like he doesn't believe me by the way he looks over my
slim form. I'm thinking back to what I looked like a year ago and Share that
with him. We both See myself standing before a mirror in my apartment's
bathroom after I took a shower. Steam runs along its edges yet my fat self
can be clearly seen from head to toe. I had bulging hips, a fat stomach and
my butt was like an elephant's. Yuk! There wasn't any reason for me to look
good 'cause I wasn't trying to find a guy. No dark skinned men in Indiana to
catch my eye besides. I wouldn't have risked revealing that I'm gay with
family and friends around so coming to Havre gave me the freedom to find
my true self. I'd never have believed that my former self (who's also gay)
would live on in me or that I'd fall in love with a cute Indian man.
Jesse's hand slips around my butt. He gooses me. I'm glad that my body
has trimmed down so it's attractive for him. I find his lithe brown body
very attractive.
"I'm not too thin?" Jesse asks.
I give my lover a close inspection. With his long hair pulled back in a
braid, I'm able to see more of his face. His rounded cheeks are cute though
a bit lean. My eyes fall to his collar bone that sticks out noticeably like
I'd seen in hunger victims in Africa. He has a flat chest without muscular
development you'd expect from a boy. Small hips on him. I'm concerned by how
thin Jesse's arms and legs are, too. He really needs to put some meat on
his bones.
"I can't seem to get anything I eat to stick to me," Jesse explains.
"Marfan's Syndrome prevents me from gaining weight. I have built some muscle
in my calves. Look at them. My legs have been hurting from all the walking
I've done when sneaking over to your trailer, when we shoveled mom's
driveway and when I took that long walk from school until you scolded me to
get a taxi because of the cold."
I drop down to squeeze my lover's calves. They're not much to look at so
I have to take his word for it.
"At least I'm not fat like some of the People!"
I heard the hurt in my lover's voice. I'm running my mouth up Jesse's
legs, giving them kisses to prove that I like him the way he is. I reach his
butt. It's so small, like a boy's yet there's a nice roundness to his cheeks
unlike One-white-horse's. That man has a flat butt. I'd peeked at it through
the seat of his pants when he was washing dishes. He suffers from Marfan's
too. Susan is likely more interested in the front of that man where he's got
something to show for himself.
:I knew you were looking at my uncle in a naughty way.:
:You were peeking in my head!:
:Hah. No need to, Mike. I caught your eyes on him a few times at the
cabin. You know that he likes girls so don't be having lusty thoughts about
him. One of my uncles has a really nice butt. Right? You've done more than
just look at it.:
He means Running Water. I feel a burning to my face 'cause Jes suspects
that I've fucked him. Before he responds to this last thought of mine, I'm
rubbing my face over his brown little ass. I breathe in its attractive scent
and fill my head with all the moments I've given it my full love. Jes is
moaning. He's the one I love the strongest. Completely!
:I was only teasing you,: Jesse Sends. :You can be with him too, love.:
I'm standing up behind Jes. My arms go around and lock over his tummy.
:I should only join my body to yours in this way, my love.:
:Mike. Fucking someone doesn't mean as much as you think. It's what's in
your heart that really matters.:
I catch something from Jes when he Thought that. Ron did him but it
wasn't out of love. At least not as strong as I'm feeling for him or what I
feel for Running Water. Jesse of himself to that man from need, not out of
love. It's been hard for me to separate the act of making love from the
more meaningful thing that's felt in one's heart.
:We walk a difficult path, Short Hair. You've only stumbled a little.
I'm glad Ron helped me find my true self. That made me ready to find you.:
I give my lover a sweet kiss to his neck. His arms cover mine around him,
affirming that we are a couple. I'm getting worried about the time so I lift
Jes off his feet and bring him into the tub. My swelling dick sticks his
butt. Ahh! What a lusty sensation. I'm Feeling this same desire in him to
express our bodily love. Ah, but no. That will have to wait until tonight.
I'm still holding Jesse tight in my arms when he starts the water. It's
running to our feet while he's making adjustments to the hot and cold water
taps. My hard cock doesn't want to pull from his cheeks. I'm really tempted
to fuck him. I lower my hands to his hips and look down. Our bodies are
trying to come together, white in brown. I love the way his small ass
presses against my groin. A thrilling tightness is felt around my knob. Jes
releases a high-pitched wail. I'm on the brink of sticking in...
The shower strikes my face, startling me from it. Jes pulls his butt away.
:Hey! That was naughty of you.:
:You weren't really going to stick in?:
I was gonna. I'm shaking water from my face and calm myself from my brief
surge of anger.
:Mike. You didn't prepare my hole. I Heard you thinking that we should do
it tonight when we're not pressed for time.:
I have dropped to my knees and am kissing into my lover's butt when he
reminds me that I have visitors coming. With regret, I get back to my feet.
My eyes fall to his water slick little behind that fills me with such lust.
:You're right. I'm sorry.:
Jesse turns around and looks down. :Listening to your thing can get you
into trouble, love.:
:Yeah. Ron's did.: I regret Thinking that. I'm looking into Jesse's eyes
but don't see anything bad in them as I was expecting. His arms are reaching
out for me. I'm accepting his hug of forgiveness that turns into something
more. Our water slick dicks press together but only mine is hard. My mouth
finds his. Our kiss becomes frantic on my part. Jess doesn't respond.
:You're so active, Mike. We need to clean ourselves before they come.:
Jess is reminding me that we're pressed for time. With much reluctance, I
loosen my hold of him. He hands me a bar of soap. I'll be able to enjoy his
nakedness while I lather him up. My hands explore his every sensual curve
and body part: neck, thin shoulders, all of his chest down past his flat
tummy to his sleeping dick. I roll his brown foreskin back to clean it. He
shudders from the sensation. I work the soap down both his legs and when he
turns around, my hands make their way back up him with special attention to
his butt. I'm enjoying its slippery warmth. Jes bends over slightly so that
I can slide my soapy fingers between his cheeks back and forth. My finger
finds his hole.
:Slip in a little to clean me there, too.:
How meekly Jesse Asked me that. I carefully push my finger in a ways.
His asshole clamps tightly around it. A sharp thrill goes through my cock,
wishing it were where I'm fingering. I avoid that temptation by lifting my
soapy hands from his cute little ass to clean his back. My fingers are
digging into it. I like the way his long braid falls along his back. It's so
Indian looking. The water catching into his hair trickles from its banded
end like a stream down to his ass. I straighten myself up when reaching his
shoulders. I'm giving them a massage. Jesse moans. His slippery butt
presses against my cock. That's too much of a temptation so I let it slip
between his cheeks. He tightens them around me. Ahh! I'm taking my time
handling his shoulders for his pleasure while I'm enjoying him below. My
hands pull him onto me. A stab is given to his butt. He backs off my cock
but doesn't let it pull completely free. It almost feels like fucking.
Warm water runs down our huddling bodies. Breaths blow through my nose.
Jesse is moaning as his body surrenders to my hands. I'm massaging his
shoulders while below, I thrust into his butt something fierce. What a
sensation! His wet ass cheeks feel nice and slippery around my cock. I'm
grinding my groin against him. A thrilling tightness is felt around my knob
that builds to an overpowering sensation. I'm crying out from the intense
thrills exploding from my loins. I lose my eyes...
"That was a nice ride."
I give Owopspec a breathy kiss to his shoulder. He carries me the rest of
the way across the stream over his back. It was his idea to carry me. That
way, one of us remains dry. I took advantage of my lover though. His bared
butt was too much a temptation not to stick into. Perhaps that was his plan.
He's often pointin' his ass at me or any needin' man. I've filled it up.
When we reach the other side, Owopspec lowers me from his back 'till I'm
standin' on the bank with him, my cock dripping. He gives me a wicked grin.
His eyes look past me and with the lifting of his right hand, I turn to see
the mounted warrior he's greeting on the far bank. A burning comes to my
face from embarrassment. Blood-runs-down-his-arms had seen me makin' Indian
love to my brave.
I return to myself. There's a roaring in my ears that drowns out the
sound of our shower. My hands clutch Jesse's chest. I'm recovering from
nearly fainting back there.
:Mike. Are you alright?:
I'm shaking my head to clear it. There's a sense of relief that comes
after... I pull from the depths of my companion's butt. I'm quick to Send my
thoughts to Jes. :I couldn't help myself!: He turns within my arms. I'm
opening my mouth to utter words when he presses two fingers over my lips. I
see understanding in his eyes. No need for me to apologize.
:I am yours, Short Hair. Now and forever. My butt is filled from your
love so don't regret giving it to me.:
I never regretted giving Owopspec a wet butt. A shy grin comes to my lips.
:I'm not. Your butt, Jes! I can't seem to get enough of it.: I'm embarrassed
for having Thought that to him. Spoken words could have been stopped by
pressing my lips together.
:Ron thought so too. I'm glad to offer myself to your need because you
give me more than a filled hole. You've giving me your heart. I didn't know
how good it felt to be with a guy who really loves me!:
I'm taking Jesse into my arms. What he's Feeling is intense. Not just
happiness and loving me so much but that he's found someone to love him in
return. He tried winning Ron's heart in spite of knowing it had already
been given to his uncle. Jes was learning what it meant to be gay. He
didn't think there'd be another chance for him to find someone himself.
:You didn't know, okay? Let's put all that behind us. I'm gonna, Jes.: He
closes his eyes and releases a huff of breath from his nose.
:It's been difficult Feeling you hate Ron so much.:
:I'm not anymore. Really. You were seeing my jealousy and the wrong
notions in my head that came from not understanding what can happen between
two horny guys.: Owopspec comes to mind. Me and him were doin' it all the
time coming from our happiness of being together. I address my new lover.
:You're helping me to grow up, Jes. Just as Owopspec helped... Chris.: I was
gonna say 'me'. My former self learned a lot from his Indian warrior.
:You have changed, love.: Jesse quickly adds, :For the better.:
I'm looking down at my pale hairy body. There were moments when it didn't
seem to be mine but after yesterday, Chris has become a part of me without
that sense of duality. Yeah. That's the change Jesse is talking about. He
still loves who I've become.
We rinse off in the shower. I'm still struck by how dark Jesse's body
is next to mine coming from his Indian heritage. Chris covered his body with
clay to protect it from the sun. When he was swimming in the river with the
other boys, his pale skin was quite a contrast to their dark bodies yet his
body was more tanned than it is now. Owopspec noticed how the freckles to my
face and shoulders gathered together in numbers like the buffalo in winter.
It was an attractive thing in a white man, I was told by my warrior lover.
Does Jes-ee-ah think so too?
I'm shaking my head from this last thought. My face isn't freckled like
my former self's. Good-eyes loved Christopher; not me. I peer at Jesse to
see if he's been peeking in my head. He hands me a bottle of shampoo. I
gesture for him to pour some out into his hand so he can clean my hair for
me. I'm leaning towards him. His hands lather me up. Rinse. Jes has given
no indication that he's Reading my thoughts.
I'm wondering how to separate my former self's memories from mine so I
won't be thinking I'm Chris sometimes. Yet he was myself in a previous life.
We share lots of traits. I am both related to him through blood and more
importantly, one with his spirit. It was freed of Christopher's flesh when
Eli Kie murdered him. His troubled spirit probably didn't go Above but
roamed for a time until dropping down into my body like a tornado. The dust
it had gathered has settled in me as that boy's memories. I'm given his
wisdom, what his eyes saw of the Blackfoot of that time and how they spoke.
Mostly, I value what he has learned about being in love. He was with Good-
eyes for nearly three years! Their relationship also included a boy.
Wind-go-through-his-hair was with Owopspec even before I'd come into his
life through his trade of six buffalo hides for me at the fort. How jealous
I'd been of 'Breechclout-boy'. He wasn't trying to steal that brave from me;
I was trying to, from him. It took some time for me to get over my strict
Christian upbringing and overcome them wrong notions in my head about what
it means to love someone. I learned that can be for more than one person at
a time.
I notice that the shower has stopped running. Jesse gives me a curious
look so I know he's not been peeking in my head. "What about your hair?"
"I won't be washing it for a while. Mom would have to braid it for me
again if I were to. I've gotten it more wet than I should have."
"Sorry." Jes give me that cute smile of his.
"Don't be, love. I have enjoyed sharing this with you. It was a little
strange because I've never showered with anyone before but, why not?"
I'm grinning too. Jes pulls the shower curtain back and we step out of
the tub. He opens a big white towel. Every part of me is dried in his hands
that reminds me of that first time in my trailer when he saw me naked. I
recall my embarrassment. Excitement too at the same time I'd felt when under
the guise of blow drying my body, his hands explored my hairy legs and
touched my butt. He'd seen my excitement from in front of me. He pulled his
pants down to show me his erection and the nice curves to his behind. I was
too shy or something to embrace our desires then. He forced our hug and wet
in his underwear while I was left feeling tense and regretting not joining
into his male joy.
Jesse dries himself with the towel when I come out of my thoughts. Oh.
I should have done that for him. He bends over slightly when tossing it into
the clothes hamper. My eyes go to his brown little behind. I remember what
happened to it in the shower.
"You've gone deep into yourself, Mike. Is there anything bothering you?"
"Naw... Christopher's memories are mine now so I'm just trying to get a
handle on them. It's nothing bad. Really." I fetch my lover's eagle feather
and tie its ribbon to his hair. He lifts my small bundle over my head and
it settles against my chest. We both know what it contains: symbols of
marriage to wear on our fingers when the right moment comes. Grandfather
said he'll perform that happy rite for us next month.
When Jes reaches down for our clothes, I grasp his shoulder. :No. Let's
get into some clean ones. I should look my best when they come.: He bundles
them under his left arm and opens the bathroom door. A concern strikes me.
:Do you, ah... need to sit on the toilet?: My face begins to burn.
Jesse turns himself sideways. With a sly grin, he reaches down to grasp
his aching behind. :No, love. I want to keep you in me for a while longer.:
I'm feeling lots of strong emotions from what he's said: embarrassment,
pride for my manhood but mostly, I love him so much that it's an ache to my
heart! He wants me inside him. We are inside each other all the time from
our Connection.
We leave the bathroom and streak down the hall, enter the kitchen and
from my quick glance at the clock, see that it's twenty minutes to twelve.
I chase after my young Indian warrior and catch him before our bedroom door.
I'm wrapping my arms around him and give a sweet kiss to his neck. My cock
presses against his butt. Ahhh. The naked warmth of his body next to mine
feels so good.
I was often embracin' Owopspec this way. He left his butt bared and with
only the lifting of my front flap, I stuck into him to make Indian love. We
did it after our swims in the river, during hunts and sometimes our embrace
happened in camp when we thought no one was looking. When a horny brave or
warrior caught us, Owopspec offered them his butt after I filled it. That
was mite hard to watch 'till I came to understand he wasn't offering those
men his love. None was given to my brave; only their lust.
Jesse pulls from my arms. I'm Sensing his concern that someone might see
us naked. No one's home, though. We go into our bedroom. Jes finds clothes
to wear from his drawer while I'm opening a new pack of underwear. The tags
from my new jeans are ripped off. I also get a shirt to wear. We dress in
silence but our eyes speak of many things to each other. The utter beauty
of this man! I still can't believe that he's given himself to me.
We're sitting on the couch waiting for those officers to arrive. Jes has
promised his mom that he'll hide in her bedroom during their visit so until
we hear their knock on the door, he's waiting with me. I'm glad he is. My
lawyer said they're only checking that this is where I'll be living until my
trial but I'm real nervous. My stomach is hurting me a bit. Jes tightens his
grip around my hand to assure me that everything is going to be alright.
I'm looking around the front room. There are beautiful Indian objects
hanging on the walls. A painting of 'Dust for the Dancers' grandmother had
given Winna as a gift, a feathered Dream Catcher that looks kinda like a
basketball hoop with its netting drawn open by sticks, pictures taken of
family during powwows set in the corner shelf and my eyes fall upon a group
of hand drums. There's an empty place on the wall amongst them that reminds
me with sadness that I'd dropped the drum Running Water had made after
playing it at the meeting in Chinook. Winna had gleaned our secret then. She
angrily dragged her son from the stage while I stood there stunned as if
from a tomahawk blow. The pain in Jesse's eyes when he had looked back at
me! That's when the drum in my hands fell to the floor and broke like my
heart had.
:Mike?:
I notice the tears in my eyes. I'm turning to Jesse who wipes them away.
Is he really mine? Yeah. His mom has accepted that we're gonna be together
as a couple. If only the others could accept this, too.
"You are thinking too much, love."
Jesse said that out loud because he's not Looking in my head. I'm glad.
It's full enough with all of Christopher's memories that are settling in
there. I need to say something to him to explain my moody behavior. "There's
a drum missing on your mother's wall."
"I know. Running Water can show you how to craft one of your own. He
isn't mad that you broke his."
Jes has missed the point of what I was trying to say. :I'd broken it at
our last meeting in Chinook.: Why that happened is known to him and he's
Sharing in my pain when reliving how his mom took him from the stage where I
stood heart broken and scared that she was gonna yell at her son for daring
to be with me. All that is behind us now. Winna is letting me stay in her
home to be with Jes. She still considers me her son after announcing that
at the meeting when she didn't know that we were much more than friends.
:Mike. I'm Feeling that you're not quite believing how things turned out.
My mom does like you. It took her a while to get used to the idea that I'm
gay and have chosen you to be my mate. A white guy! I wonder if it would
have been easier for her if you had been a Native boy like myself. Probably
not. If Winna can accept this thing about her own son, so too will the rest
of my family and others of our tribe. You saved me, love! I'm no longer that
scared little kid I was.:
I'm bringing Jes to my chest in a hug. We Share the joy of being allowed
to be together that didn't look like it was gonna happen. Winna does like me
in spite that I'm gay. I suppose that came about from learning who I am as a
person before she gleaned our secret and then afterwards, how I kept my
mouth shut to listen to her pain and disappointment during what proved to
be a difficult talk between us. We're still having those, actually. I want
to prove that I can be a good son to her. That's why I'm paying off her
house loan. It's only stupid money that'd be sitting in a low-interest
bearing account at the bank. I earned a lot of it through Royalties that
I'm still collecting from those three software titles selling in the
stores. I don't want Winna worrying about how she's gonna pay her monthly
mortgage after losing her job. What her husband did to them was wrong. I'm
not a bad person! Being gay doesn't make me so and I'll try to live my life
again without being in shame of this. Owopspec and I should have gotten
married. At least Jes and I are gonna next month.
We're startled by a phone ringing.
:That's probably Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand calling to warn us,: Sends
Jesse. :I've told him that officers are coming to see you and to not cause
any trouble like mom asked.:
We've been running to the kitchen. I pick up the phone. "Hello?"
"Short Hair? I'm letting you know that Jes-ee-ah's uncle and aunt are
walking up to your door. Not those... people you were expecting."
"Oh." I'm Passing that to Jes. "Okay. Thanks." The line goes dead. We run
down the hall to reach the front door. There's a knock to it. I'm feeling
dread because their visit is ill-timed. I don't want them seeing me being
interviewed by those officers 'cause it'll look bad for me. Damn!
Jesse opens the door.
A man who looks like an older One-white-horse gives his greeting for
coming to our home. He's about my height yet lean in form like grandfather.
His hair is a tangle of white cotton held down to his shoulders by braiding
at the ends. This man is attended by a young woman who I recognize when she
was introduced to me after the meeting. Her name is Owl-eyes. It's an easy
name for me to remember when compared to all of Jesse's other relatives I'd
met last night. This woman is shorter than her husband. A lot younger than
him, too. I cast that shameful thought from my head. She is obviously of
Blackfoot heritage by her big nose and other facial features that are nice
to look upon. I'm charmed by her gentle smile. I notice that she's holding
something in her hands.
"Welcome to my mother's house," answers Jesse. "Come in!"
I'm looking past them to the street before the door closes. All I saw was
a black pickup. Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand must be keeping watch inside his
truck for those officers. A sharp pang fills my stomach. They're gonna be
here soon.
"I've brought this for you and your mother. Your friend, too."
My attention returns to Owl-eyes. She looks down at a cloth-covered pan
being held in her hands. Food? That would be the expected offering. I shake
my outstretched fingers at her in thanks. That's what Chris gestured to
Good-eyes' relatives when they came for visits to our tipi.
"Thank you, aunt. You can bring that to the kitchen," Jesse asks.
We turn together and lead our guests down the hall. I see what Jes has
in mind. If we can keep them in the kitchen, I'll be able to receive my
visitors in the front room where neither of them will meet.
"Is your mother home?" asks Owl-eyes. She's looking around.
"No, aunt. She's meeting with her boss to get her job back."
"I'm glad! I know that's been weighing heavily in her heart."
Owl-eyes sets her cloth-covered pan on the counter. I've been giving her
husband guarded looks (his face is so much like One-white-horse's that I'm
figuring they must be brothers). The woman describes what she's brought.
"Barbequed buffalo ribs smothered in my special sauce. I know you like
this, Jes-ee-ah. Perhaps your friend will, too."
My mouth waters. I remember the air filling with the aroma of frying
buffalo set over fires after a hunt. The thick rack of ribs sizzled on them
long sticks. They were so juicy without any need of seasonings. I'd be
burning the sides of my mouth and tongue when eating my fill of 'em. I'm
grinning at Owl-eyes. Her husband hasn't said a word. I've been feeling his
eyes on me and with a start, realize that we haven't been introduced. I
offer my right hand to the man. "I'm Short Hair."
"I am called Looks-upon-the-sunrise, Winnapah's mother's sister's son.
I'm Jes-ee-ah's uncle."
Our handshake is a firm one. I've been keeping eye contact with this man
but he lowers his after a moment. He knows that Jes and I are together, a
thing that troubles him. Man! My ability to See into people is unsettling.
I drop my right hand back to my side. "Are you One-white-horse's brother?"
That just came out of my mouth from nervousness.
"Yes."
I already knew that. This man is older than Winna but his brother is much
younger, maybe not even as old as me. An uneasy silence passes. I'm turning
to his wife. Owl-eyes is a young and pretty wife for him to have. I glean
that they married after the loss of his first wife.
"Have you eaten buffalo before?" she asks.
I'm nodding. Chris has; not me. I don't want to reveal this to her. Our
conversation has been in English for my benefit. That has me wondering how
much One-white-horse told his brother about me. Perhaps Looks-upon-the-
sunrise learned that Jes and I are a couple from someone else. I'm sure that
it's not going to be kept a secret for long.
"Thanks for bringing it," Jesse says. "My mom has been after you for the
recipe to your special sauce. When are you going to pass your secret on?"
I see the startled look from Owl-eyes.
"I'll be happy to give it to your mom." She reverts into Siksika.
"Jes-ee-ah? You are talking now. I've heard that you've come out of
yourself and it fills my heart with joy. What's brought this about?"
Owl-eyes glances at me. She doesn't think I understood her words so I'm
not letting on that I can. Jes has been staring at the woman's tray set on
the counter. He lifts his eyes to his aunt and addresses her.
"Short Hair has lifted my spirit. My heart is in flight beside his as
you've heard so please don't have troubled eyes. I'm very happy!"
My lover's bold words were really directed at his uncle. I'm tensing up
by how he'll react. He's been giving me that Indian Look since coming into
the house. Is he against us being together?
"It is good that your spirit has been freed."
Looks-upon-the-sunrise agrees with his wife but likely only on that one
point. I'm still seeing that Look from him, almost as if he expects me to
say something.
The telephone rings, sending a shudder through me. I quickly pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Mike. They're pulling up into the driveway. I see two policemen in the
car."
"Thanks. Bye." I Send Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand's warning to Jes. I'm
leaving it to him to explain things to his aunt and uncle while I run down
the hall. My stomach is hurting me.
I'm listening for footsteps beyond the door. Nothing yet. I take this
moment for a few deep breaths and close my eyes to rally strength. No knock
on the door. I'm debating whether I should just open it (seeing if there's
any trouble coming from Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand) or just wait.
The coat rack catches my eye. That's where I hung my elk skin robe given
me last night at the meeting. I'm to undergo training in what it means to
be a Blackfoot (of today) even though my former self had been named a brave
of the People. A grueling rite! Ron went through initiation himself though
I'm sure that man didn't endure what Chris had. I shudder in remembrance.
I hope that I'll prove myself worthy (again) as he did.
The door knocks. A sharp pain shoots through my stomach. I open it with
my hands shaking. There are two officers as Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand had
said. They're studying me. A man and a woman. I note their tan uniforms that
differs from the blue ones Havre Policemen wear.
"Are you Mike Yager?"
"Yes." The man makes introductions.
"I'm Sheriff Baker and this is Deputy Collins. May we come in?"
"Of course." I step back to allow them inside but not before catching a
glimpse of Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand standing on the sidewalk with his
arms crossed over his chest. He looks grim. I close the door behind me. The
officers are entering the front room much to my relief instead of following
the hall that leads to the kitchen. I'm about to Ask Jes if he's taken his
relatives into his mom's room when Sheriff Baker asks me a question.
"You are living with Mrs. Winnapah and her son Jesse. Is that right?"
"Yes sir." I notice the clipboard in the woman's hand. She's making a
notation on the form over it. Her brown hair reaches to his shoulders that
reminds me of my sister. They both have the same color.
"Who is that man standing at the curb?" the sheriff demands.
"He's watching over the house." I can tell that he's not satisfied with
my answer so I blurt out, "We need protection with what's been going on."
"From the local police?" asks Sheriff Baker.
I'm startled. "From that man who's been going around killing people."
A call comes through the deputy's radio. I shut my mouth, scolding myself.
My lawyer had warned me not to discuss anything with them.
Deputy Collins talks into the microphone hanging down from her shoulder
in response to that query from their station. She gives a code number and
the address to this house. I think she's confirming their location. I'm
noticing how pretty this woman looks. A funny thought, that. I suppose what
I'm feeling about her is that she isn't acting as mean to me as her partner.
No bad eyes. I notice the gun holstered at her hip though.
"Where are you sleeping?" asks Sheriff Baker.
"In one of the bedrooms."
"Show us."
I'm not budging from my place in the front room.
"We need this for our report to the court," he explains. "You're out on
bail so they need to be assured that this is your place of residence."
"Oh." I'm not liking his request much. I lead them to the dinning room
and pass through it with dread. A warning is given to Jes. :They want to see
where I'm sleeping! Are you in your mother's...:
Looks-upon-the-sunrise turns to us when we're entering the kitchen. His
wife is with him. There are startled looks on their faces. Jes is with them!
The officers pause a moment but I'm not gonna be giving introductions. It
becomes tense. I notice the way Sheriff Baker is looking at Jes like he
might question him. That's what Winna wanted to avoid! I'm blurting out,
"The bedroom is this way." To my relief, they follow me out of the kitchen.
I rush to open the left bedroom door. We step inside. I'm on pins and
needles when they examine the room.
It turns into a long awkward moment. I can see what they're looking at.
Jesse has posters on the wall depicting Indians at a powwow, that Beatles'
poster, a small bed and his night light beside it. This is obviously a kid's
room. Not what you'd expect from a teenager or the man Jes has become. I'm
thankful that he's put his toys away in a drawer the other night. They
might not believe that I'm sleeping in here.
"How many bedrooms are in the house?" asks Sheriff Baker.
"Two."
"Who sleeps in that other bedroom?"
"Mrs. Winnapah." I'm really dreading what he's about to ask me next.
"And where does her son sleep?"
My voice is but a whisper. "In here." He's looking down at our bed.
"How old is Jesse?"
Anger builds in me. "He's twenty-three." I've caught the look in the
woman's eyes for her partner that he'd been out of line with that question.
"Do you have everything you need for your report?"
"Yes. That'll be all, Mr. Yager."
I turn towards the door and exit. They're following me. Good. We pass
through the empty kitchen (much to my relief) and walk down that long hall
to the front door. I'm stepping outside and give Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand
a gesture that everything's alright. The officers don't say another word to
me. Not even a goodbye. I cast my thoughts to Jes.
:Where are you?:
:We're in the backyard. Have they gone?:
I watch the squad car backing out of the driveway to the street. They
zoom past Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand's pickup truck. :Yes. They're gone!:
I'm releasing a sigh of relief.
I've joined Jesse and his kin out back. Owl-eyes makes a comment about
Winna's rose bushes that though barren branched from winter, promises to
bloom with the coming of summer. It's an interesting remark. I catch her
eyes on Jes and her meaning becomes clear. Her husband remains close to her
side and doesn't speak a word. He doesn't even look at me.
Jes points out a few things to them. He's proud of that tall oak tree
with its tire swing. I'm smiling in fond remembrance. We've enjoyed a 'ride'
on it just the other day. Looks-upon-the-sunrise is more interested in the
stand of trees out yonder. He points out an aged willow tree, tall slim pines
and yet more oak trees. No fence has been erected to hold them back. I'm
surprised to be thinking this. Trees don't wander about.
I've slipped beside Jesse. Owl-eyes grins at me in such a way that makes
me feel at ease. She's accepted what my lover said to her about us. I'm
startled by the gruff voice coming from her husband.
"Did it go well with your visitors?" asks Looks-upon-the-sunrise.
"Yes. I don't know if Jes-ee-ah has told you but they had come to verify
where I'm living for the court." Jes Sends me that he had explained things
to them. He adds that it would have been unthinkable to ask that they hide
out in his mother's bedroom. He didn't know those officers wanted to see our
bedroom. I decide not to Share with my lover that they've learned we're
sleeping together.
"It was good that Winna was gone from the house," the man comments.
I'm nodding in agreement. "She's pretty upset about the whole situation."
I catch that Look in his eyes. "All this trouble isn't my fault!"
"I know. You and Jes-ee-ah returned a sacred belonging to our tribe."
"It had to be prevented from falling into Eli Kie's hands." He's heard
that from Elder Quiet-before-the-dawn's mouth at the meeting. I don't recall
having met with this man afterwards; only his wife.
"Yet the police have it."
Doesn't he know that Eli Kie has stolen it back? I keep my mouth shut.
Grandfather's plan cannot be revealed even to one of his daughter's sons.
These secrets that Jes and I have must keep! It prevents the People from
knowing the dangers we face, what we accomplished and why. Some have
learned that we're together as a couple. That's bound to cause shame in
those around us. Looks-upon-the-sunrise likely thinks I'm taking advantage
of Jesse. My lover is no longer that innocent kid he was! It was through my
love for Jes that he's come out of himself. I want to shout this out to
anyone who says bad things about us, thinks it, or gives me bad eyes like
I've seen from this man. He doesn't know what we've been through!
I catch a warning flare in Jesse's eyes. I'm taking a deep breath to
calm myself. :Don't worry. I won't allow my anger and frustration to be
given voice from my heart.: I'm clutching the left side of my chest. That's
an old gesture for holding back pain to let others know I won't speak of it.
Owl-eyes finishes surveying the garden. It's not much to look at after
winter and I suspect that Winna hasn't been tending it since her husband ran
off. We head back into the house. Looks-upon-the-sunrise doesn't stop in
the kitchen (I was thinking he was gonna) but leads his wife down the hall
towards the front door. I'm sure he intends to leave when Jes and I are
given their farewell.
"I'm glad to have met you, Short Hair. May this place you dwell in bring
peace and happiness in your life."
Looks-upon-the-sunrise had said that in Siksika. I'm further surprised
when he grasps my shoulder. Our eyes meet. I see understanding in them that
I was not expecting from this man.
Jes and I watch them head towards the street where they speak with
Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand. I'm closing the door behind us. A sigh of
relief comes out of me.
"You did alright, Mike."
I turn to Jesse. "What do you mean?"
Jes smiles. "My uncle was testing you."
A wry grin comes to my lips. We head for the couch and plop down in it.
"How much does he know?"
"I think grandfather has told him all of it. Not just about us being
together but the Power Bundle's spirit Passing into us, our Connection and
how your former self has come out in you. Maybe not the danger I face from
my former self. My uncle knows that you understand Siksika. That's why he
gave you those parting words."
I've gone deep into thought. He was testing me? :Jes! He wanted to see if
I would blurt out secrets coming from my anger, huh?:
:Yes. He tried. I almost thought you were going to in the backyard when I
Felt your anger but you kept your heart hurt from being voiced. He'd seen
that old gesture you made by grasping your chest.:
:I was hurting after what I'd seen in his eyes.: I grasp my lover's hand.
:Do you know what he thinks about us, Jes? Is it something bad?:
:If you're asking if I peeked into my uncle's head... No. We weren't
touching but I'd seen that look in his eyes like you did. One of sadness or
maybe I should say that him knowing I'm gay is disappointing for him. Winna
won't see any grandchildren coming from me. That's an important thing to the
People. Children.:
I Share in my lover's sadness. :No new life will come from our joining.:
:Mike. A baby won't come to us but we're going to help those who are like
us in the tribe. We must set a good example. I've heard that gay teens are
sometimes driven to end their lives because of what they're hiding inside,
hating themselves for being gay and afraid that others will learn of it. If
we can save even one of them, it'll be like a child we've brought into this
world to live in acceptance of himself and find fulfillment.:
Jesse has spoken of this again and again. What we're to do for others.
"You've heard, Mike, but you haven't listened."
I'm glaring at Jes. He didn't peek inside my head just now because there
was no Pulling sensation or even a tickle. My eyes drop from his in shame.
He said that I didn't listen. What does he mean?
"Some of my family know our secret," whispers Jesse, "or suspect it.
They will spread it to the others. That's what my mom fears. She's going to
have to be strong. Mike? That starts with us. Try not to get angry when
someone says anything bad about us. Don't give them that power over us. We
are together so nothing will change that. Let's do as grandfather asked us
last night by not coming before them with dirt wiped across our faces.:
That's the old way of saying that we won't reveal shame. I won't, but
it's darn hard to ignore this in the faces of others. Jes leans over to
snuggle against my shoulder. My head drops to his.
:Take each day at a time, love. Come to accept things that happen even
when you have no control over them. Don't try so hard to win my family over.
They know of the good you've done for our tribe and how you've helped me. It
isn't what you say that will sway how they think about you and me being
together. It's what you don't say even when anger tries provoking you to.
Let our actions speak for us. My family will see us together, being happy,
and my mom won't raise a bad word against it. There is nothing wrong with
how we feel for each other. My family will come to believe this too.:
I get the notion that Jes is trying to tell me something that I've missed.
Our heads rubs together. Nothing further comes from my lover.
I'm returning to the couch after taking a piss. I settle myself down
beside Jes. He's being very quiet. I'm taking his hand into mine but he
doesn't Think to me. I'm drawn by the loud ticking coming from the wall
clock. It's nearly one. I wonder how Winna's meeting has gone with her
boss. Did she get her job back?
"Are you ready to learn the names of my family?" Jesse asks.
"Okay." Jes flares his eyes at me so I take that as a hint to open myself
to Share with him. Talking is too cumbersome. I'll be able to See the faces
attached to their names through our connection. I'm Taken back to last night
after the meeting. Those of his family who introduced themselves fill our
heads. I'm Seeing their brown faces in the flickering torchlight, what they
wore and the smiles that I'm connecting to their names given me. His three
cousins had English names. It's rather confusing because I can't sort out
who is related to whom.
:I know. Let me start with my mother and father. Follow how they relate
back to grandfather along with my other family members.:
:Okay. I'm ready.:
Jes Shows me the faces of his mother and father. Winna is already well
known to me by her face, how she speaks and the mannerisms I've marked about
her but I know nothing about Looks-from-mountain. I'm wondering if he'll
ever return to see his son. After a moment of sadness, I See him as Jesse
remembers his father. The man is well rounded (like his wife) yet tall, and
what a grim face that rarely seems to find amusement in anything. His
features reminds me of Hawk Flying Over. Are they brothers?
:Yes, love.:
I'm Shown Hawk Flying Over's face that is already known to me. He's the
man with that hot tub in his backyard. We're reminded that Running Water is
coming at four to take us over there. Hmm. I've heard those two men refer to
each other as cousins but I'm realizing that Hawk Flying Over is actually
Running Water's uncle. Another error in relations strikes me. Why does Jes
refer to Running Water as his uncle? They should be cousins.
:I See your confusion, love. Running Water has always called himself my
uncle. He's thirteen years older than me and is my eldest cousin. We'll find
his place in my family later.:
I'm not ready to dismiss these contradictions without a full explanation.
:Him and Hawk Flying Over aren't cousins. Running Water is older but he
should refer to that man as his uncle?:
:Well. It isn't right to refer to someone as your uncle if you're older
than them. An older cousin is considered to be an uncle out of respect.:
:Oh.: Jes Shows me how he sees Hawk Flying Over in his head. A good
looking man with short hair as I've seen myself. He is Jesse's father's
younger brother. My thoughts turn to seeing him naked in the hot tub. I
Share what happened between us that surprises my lover. He cautions me not
to assume he's gay. He's been married but that woman died a few years ago
from cancer. I'm not given her name out of respect for the dead.
I'm taking a moment to set things straight in my head. Running Water is
thirty six years old and considered an uncle to Jes because he's thirteen
years older than him. Hawk Flying Over is twenty seven but considers himself
Running Water's cousin instead of the uncle he really is to him.
:Do you understand now?: Jesse Asks.
:Yeah. I think so. Blood relations is one thing but your People use age
as a factor in considering who is your cousin, uncle or something.: I'm
startled by another kind of relationship. Jes Shows me Running Water's
husband. It's Ron Earlman. They both wore rings on their fingers after being
married by grandfather. The same rings that are in my bundle hanging down
from my neck. We are going to be walking in their footsteps. I'm taking
another Look at this white guy by Pulling it from Jesse's head.
Ron looks older than his lover Running Water's but I'm Told they were
about the same age. I know that Indians appear younger than they really are.
I'm Reaching for more about Ron but Jesse won't let me Pull anything
further from his head. He's already revealed to me that they'd been
together. I don't need to See if there's more secrets being kept from me.
"Ron talked like a foreigner with that strong accent of his," Jesse
remarks. "I couldn't always understand what he was saying."
"That's because he's German." Ron's diary entries are also difficult to
understand and not because they aren't in English. His scrawl is pretty bad.
Jes doesn't want us to dwell any longer on that man. He has many more names
of the living to Show me.
A woman's face comes before my eyes. Her name is Smiles-in-rain-like-
the-sun who is the sister to Jesse's father and Hawk Flying Over. We met
last night along with her husband, Feather-in-his-hat and their son named
Douglas who's not been given a Blackfoot name. This twelve-year-old boy has
two younger sisters named Lucy and Sally. They hadn't come to the meeting
last night. Jesse remarks that the kids born today in the tribe are more
often given English names, like himself, since they must live in both
worlds: the Indian one and in mine. Kinda sad, that. I think it takes away
from their proud Native heritage by not being given a Blackfoot name.
Another face is Shown me. I'd met this man last night but forgot his name
already. Jes Tells me that it's With-keen-hawk-eyes, his father's eldest
brother who hasn't married yet. That completes those who are still living on
Jesse's father's side of the family. I'm repeating the names of his three
uncles, aunt, and three little cousins so I'll remember them.
Jes warns me that his mother's side of the family is larger. I'm not
surprised. I Open myself to what my lover will be Showing me about them.
Winna has a younger sister named Judy. I'm not given her face because
Jesse doesn't remember her. He's sad. Not only for himself but that his mom
has agonized over what had happened to her kid sister. She'd taken care of
Judy after the death of their mother as if she were her own daughter. I
Share with Jes what I'd gleaned from Winna. He didn't know anything about
that Mexican migrant worker his mom suspects had swept Judy off her feet
in her teens and took her away. They're probably living in Mexico.
:You really are Seeing things from people,: Jesse remarks.
:Yeah. That doesn't seem right because it's like I'm stealing secrets
from them.:
:Don't feel that way about it, Mike. It is a useful ability so long as
you don't use what you learn against good people. When you Saw that officer
was hiding in my mom's house and about to rush out with his gun drawn, you
warned me against going into the house. Wasn't that a good thing?:
:That's true. I knew where to hide beside the door to trip Danielson up.
What bothers me is that I'm learning things from other people that maybe I
shouldn't know without them telling me first. Your mother never told you
about her sister falling in love and running away with that Mexican guy. I
also Saw how troubled your uncle was today about us being together. I'm not
even trying to Hear these things! I wish that I could stop their thoughts
from dropping into my head. It's very unsettling.:
:Mike. That's what it's been like for me.:
I Feel something dark from Jes. An emotion more deeper than sadness that
I've not Felt from him before. :Tell me?: I bring my lover to my chest and
wait for him to Share this pain with me.
:Ever since I was little, I saw and heard everything around me that was
like a flood of water pouring inside. It never stopped! People's voices, the
emotions on their faces and sometimes I even Felt what they were thinking
and feeling. I didn't let anyone touch me. That's why I hid inside myself
but everything still kept pouring in. So confusing and noisy! It was a pain
that never went away until you came.:
Jesse is describing what it's like to be autistic. I've just caught what
he's said about me helping him with that. :How have I done this, Jes?:
:I'm Drawing on you to be, well, normal. You're acting as a shield to
block out much of that. I only have your thoughts coming to me. Everything
else doesn't get through unless I want it to. I'm able to have a clear head.
The quiet! That's so comforting after these many years of being forced to
see and hear things whether I wanted to or not.:
What grandfather said about Jesse's spell over me comes to mind. It's a
fragile working and beyond his ability to strengthen for his grandson. My
love sustains him. Chris has also told me how much Jes draws on me.
:You see, Mike. I am using you.:
:No. We are helping each other, my love!: I'm squeezing Jes really hard
in my arms. He's feeling troubled about this aspect of our Connection. He
even thinks that maybe it's bent my will to him to do what he wants and is
what made me love him. I'm assuring him that that's not so! I'd fallen in
love with him that first night we met even before any of this Indian magic
happened. :It's not so! I love you of my own free will. My former self loved
your former self as it was meant to be for us. I loved you before and I love
you now! Cast out that wrong thought from your head. Put your trust in our
grandfather. He Saw into both our heads. He wouldn't allow you to possess me.
You have my heart freely! Now and for always, my love!:
Jes clings to me for a while.
I'm resting my head against the back of the couch. Jes has gone to the
bathroom reminding me what he's been holding in his butt since this morning.
That brings a smile to my lips. I couldn't help myself! My lover has a nice
ass like Owopspec's. Both them Indians have offered themselves to others
that makes me feel a twinge of guilt. I don't give my butt to their need as
often. Not because of the pain. Chris got used to getting stuck by his
warrior. I'm not like them in being two-spirited an' all. Still gay, though.
I release a weary sigh. A lot has happened today. Man! We really need to
do some fun time together to help us forget our troubles. I'm really
looking forward to a long soak in the hot tub.
Jesse returns to the couch with shy eyes. A towel is wrapped around his
head. His wet hair has been dripping like a leaky faucet. I'm patting the
cushion so he'll take a seat. He eases himself down beside me. "How's your
butt doing?"
"Fine now, silly." He squeezes the towel around his braid. "The back of
my shirt had gotten soaked."
I noticed that Jes changed his shirt. "You're gonna have that problem
again tonight." He knows what I'm talking about. "I'm gonna be showing you
that special feature to the hot tub." Jesse gives me sharp a look. I reach
my hands down to both sides of my ass. "That hot water shooting up my hole
is gonna feel so good! It'll help loosen me up so you can fuck me without,
ah... much pain."
"My uncle is going to be joining us in the hot tub. Hawk Flying Over too
if he doesn't have to work late tonight."
"Yeah, I know. If it is just the three of us, Running Water can back his
ass into that shooting water to prepare himself too. It's an unbelievable
sensation! Almost better than getting rimmed." I'm feeling a blood rush into
my cock. That's making me daring. "You can stick into me while I'll stick
into his butt." Jesse's eyes widen for a moment then he becomes shy. I'm
regretting what I've said from lust.
In a whisper, "Okay. But you should let him mount you afterwards."
"Really?" I'm not Sensing that Jes is teasing me about this. I decide to
admit something to him. "He tried to before." I Show Jes how his horny uncle
took me into his lap after my shower when he was sitting over my bed and
tried sticking in me. It hurt bad. More so from my heart because I thought
that would be wrong for us to do together when I was saving myself for the
right guy. I hoped it would be that Indian kid I'd seen in my class sitting
beside his mom.
"You did save yourself for me, love, but fucking someone doesn't mean
that you're in love with them."
He means what Ron did to him. Jes takes in a deep breath then releases it
as a long sigh.
"You love both Running Water and me. I want you to be with him that way
too because, well. I just want you to."
My breaths are trembling. "Yea just wanna see this farmer's son's ass
gettin' stuck by your In'ian brother in revenge for me havin' my way with
yours. Ain't that it?" We're both laughing in remembrance of our shared
fantasy from the other night. I can hardly wait until Running Water takes us
over to his cousin's house.
:Love. Let's get back to what I was Showing you about my family.:
:More names and faces for me to remember!: I release a sigh. Jes smiles,
then his face takes on a serious expression.
:My mother's side of the family is more traditional. You've already
learned that my mother has a younger sister named Judy.:
I'm nodding, Sharing in his sadness that comes from not getting the
chance to know her.
:Both of their parents have passed on. My maternal grandmother was sister
to grandfather. He has another sister who's still living. My grandmother's
name is Wears-fine-moccasins. Her husband... died only last year. They have
two sons named One-white-horse and Looks-upon-the-sunrise who you've met.:
I'm Shown both of their faces. One-white-horse is about our age who is
courting that white gal named Susan. The man who visited us this morning is
maybe twice his age yet they're still considered brothers, right?
:Yes, love. Their big difference in age doesn't change that.:
Jesse reveals that Looks-upon-the-sunrise lost his first wife in a car
accident about ten years ago. A drunk man hit them. That's real sad. I'm
Shown there are some kids who lived beyond her. Jes gives me their names.
:From his first wife, they bore a son named Swift-runner who also has the
English name of Paul. He's nineteen. Their other son is Loud-in-words who's
twenty-two. His English name is Ken. He's married to Pretty-as-the-fawn but
she prefers to be called Mary. They have three children: Billy Yawns-a-lot
who's seven, Sue Shines-like-water-on-the-pebble who's six and a little boy
named Ken, jr. who is almost three.:
:No Blackfoot name for him?: I Ask.
:Not that I've heard. Mary is not as traditional as the rest of my
family. She's not of Blackfoot blood by being a mix of Chippewa and White.:
:It's not that common for Native Americans to marry outside their People.
Is it?:
:Not often, Mike. There's the cultural and language differences that
makes it difficult for the couple to find acceptance.:
:Like us.:
:Well, yes. Yet the Chippewa and the Blackfoot are a closer match than
someone White. You know how it is, Mike.:
I'm sadly nodding. Jesse and I are gonna have a more difficult go at it
because we're gay. :Any other brothers or sisters to your grandfather?:
:No more. You know that his wife died. I'm really missing grandmother.:
:Me too. Remember how much you liked eating her apple cobblers? She
rendered such beautiful pictures of 'Dust for the Dancers' that was her
favorite theme for painting. Winna has one of them hanging on yonder wall.:
:That is so. You Shared my memories of grandmother when we were still
recovering from our Passing rite. That was her bedroom we'd slept in.:
I remember grandmother as if she were my own. There's no difference in my
head from how Jesse remembers her. I'm realizing that happened because we
were of one mind after grandfather Passed the Power Bundle's spirit into us.
We've since separated ourselves. Hmm. Jes Shared with me very intensely last
night when Winna was driving us home from Browning. He could do that again
so I could Take his memories of his family and know them as he does.
:No, Mike. You should get to know them on your own. I'm Sharing with you
how I see their faces and to give you their names. It doesn't seem right to
give you my memories about them too. Do you know what I mean?:
:Yeah. I think so.:
:There's only a few more family members to Show you then I want you to
tell me about your family.:
:You want to know about my kin?:
:Why not? If I should meet them, I'd want to know their names and how
they're related to you.:
:Okay.: That blows my mind that Jes might meet my sister or my parents!
:That may happen sooner than you think.:
"Huh?" I'd blurted that out loud. Jesse doesn't reveal anything more so
I'm not taking his comment seriously. He didn't See anything, did he? I sure
ain't ready for my folks to know that Jes is my lover an' all.
:You already know that my grandfather, He-who-runs-up-mountains is shaman
of my tribe but what you don't know is that he's blood brother to Nixon.:
:President Nixon?:
:It is a true fact. Richard Nixon was going around to lots of Native
Peoples to help restore land stolen from them by the U.S. Government. He
introduced legislation in Congress to honor the old treaties that had been
broken in my grandfather's youth. Nixon helped the Blackfoot Nation regain
some of what is today called Glacier National Park after its supposed 'sale'
to the Government back in 1985 for mineral exploration. We've regained about
one and half million acres in a reservation east of that national park.:
:How did grandfather become blood brother to President Nixon?:
:That happened in a private ceremony held by the council of Elders and
chiefs. Everyone today thinks that Nixon was a bad man because of Watergate
but he did much good for our People. The President was gifted sacred objects
in thanks. Grandfather performed that rite to become blood brothers with him
that's rarely done today.:
:Did they cut their wrists and press them together?: I'd seen that done
in movies about the Indians of old.
:No. I don't think so. Only the council witnessed that ancient rite but
news of it spread amongst our People. It doesn't give President Nixon the
status of being part of our tribe. He's regarded as our shaman's blood
brother which means when one is in trouble, the other will go to help.:
I'm blown away by what Jesse has told me. I never heard anything about
President Nixon helping Native Peoples. Only the bad things he did from
'Deep Throat' and that investigation into Watergate where his role in it
came out.
:Here's another funny thing. Well, maybe not. Grandfather was born way
before Nixon yet he's lived beyond him. He is our most eldest tribal leader.
His eyes witnessed how our People lost their freedom and ancient ways of
life when the U.S. Government forced them onto reservations. He was too old
to attend the white man's school so he was taught our sacred ways so they
wouldn't be lost. A lot of people wonder about grandfather. How come he's
still alive, in a good way I mean. I think it's because our Father wants him
to pass on our People's sacred rites to me before granting him a well
deserved rest in the Above.:
I'm feeling in my bones that grandfather doesn't have that many more
moons left to his life. That saddens me. I really like that old man and I
know how much he means to Jesse. To all the tribe. He's the last to have
seen with his eyes how the Blackfoot were of old. When they were hunting the
buffalo, living in tipis and practicing their sacred ways of life. A free,
happy People! What has become of them in this modern age? My own eyes have
seen these changes.
Jes peers shyly at me. I've felt the tickle of him being in my head to
know what I'm thinking. I glimpse something he's worrying about. Winna has
warned me that her son could be away for weeks at a time when undergoing
training by grandfather. I don't begrudge them that. Jes is needed to assume
the role of shaman in the tribe. I hope he'll get the training he needs to
lead them.
:Are you ready to return to your lesson, Mike?:
I'm rolling my eyes. :Okay. I sure hope you don't have that many more
names of family members for me to remember!: I'm realizing what I've Said.
:Sorry. I didn't mean how that sounded.: Jes sticks his tongue out at me.
:Grandfather's son is Hawk-in-sky who you met last night. He's never been
a chief or Elder of my tribe because of his devotion to his wife but also
because he's suffering bad from Marfan's Syndrome. That's why Running Water
lives with him and his wife, Warm-blanket-for-man. They both need their
son's help getting around.:
:Oh. What about grandfather's first son?: I know that he was killed when
undergoing training as shaman from his father.
:I won't utter his name out of respect for the dead, Mike. You know that.
He died in his early twenties.:
The tiny hairs lift at the back of my neck. Jes doesn't know that he was
murdered? This is yet another thing I've gleaned from Winna that she hasn't
told her son. I'm afraid for my lover. He'll be undergoing training soon. If
Eli Kie had a hand in denying their tribe a shaman through murder, he may go
after Jes next.
:Mike. You know the names of my grandfather's ancestors for having met
some of them in your former life.:
:Yeah. Elder Tends-the-horses wanted me to prove that as Chris, I knew
who they were.: I'm staring at Jesse. Within him, shaman Good-eyes is
trying to live on in him but that must be prevented.
:I am with your help. My great great grandfather has much wisdom to offer
me if only he'd be content to remain where he is inside me. I'm sometimes
Hearing his voice. He warned me last night about taking a Spirit Flight
without good cause.:
:Don't be tempted into Joining with him, Jes. You know that I would leave
you per my vow.: Christopher's vow, actually. Yet the young man I knew would
be gone. I'm lifting my eyes in prayer unto Him. 'Please! Allow Jes-ee-ah to
live his life. I offer whatever You require of me to prevent him from being
possessed by Good-eyes!' My eyes lower to Jes.
:It is good to pray, Short Hair. I'm often thanking our Father each day
for lifting the sun into the sky, for the air I breathe, for my mother's
love and every other thing that happens whether it is good or bad.:
I'm feeling a bit shamed by what Jes has Said. I don't Call upon God only
for His help when I'm in trouble.
:Short Hair. Do you remember your most recent dream?:
Huh? Oh. I'm thinking back to last night. :I had a bad dream that you
shook me awake from.:
:You Called out to someone to help save me from being attacked.:
The tiny hairs lift at the back of my neck. :Not a someone. It was a
willow tree which held a tire swing you were diving through to escape an
old man. He who is your former self.: Jes is slowly nodding. He is Looking
right through me.
"That willow Heard you."
I'm getting goose bumps. Not from what Jesse has said but his voice
didn't sound like him.
:Don't worry, Mike. He isn't coming up in me. I have Felt an ease to his
struggle to do so since last night.:
I'm looking deep into my lover's eyes, also Reaching inside him to make
sure that this is so. I don't want him to become possessed by Good-eyes!
Jes Opens himself to me to prove that he remains the man I love.
:Now it's your turn, Mike. Tell me about your family.:
I wet my lips to speak but realize it'll be easier Showing him faces and
names as he's given me of his family. I cast my thoughts to Jes. We See a
man's face not unlike my own. :I've been given the shortened name of my
father. He in turn was named after his father, my grandfather. Each of us is
an only son.: The enormity of that strikes me hard. I won't have a son of
my own to continue that proud tradition. No more Michaels. Pa is going to
be ashamed of me!
:Don't think that, love. He'll accept this thing about you because of his
love for you. His son.:
Jes-ee-ah is Winna's only son who won't be giving her any grandchildren.
I'm understanding her grief that will become my mother's and father's when
they learn that I'm gay.
:You have a sister to carry through the lives of your parents, Mike.:
:Yeah. Her name is Sarah. She's married to James Dunt but no baby has
come to them yet.: My sister is the only chance my parents have now. I've
feared that there is something wrong with her or her husband since no child
has come after eight years of trying.
"Your parents will see grandchildren."
Hope fills me. I'm peering intently at Jesse. "Have you Seen this?"
"No. I haven't, love."
We've reverted to speaking out loud. I hear the pleading in Jesse's
voice to have faith and for me to end my sadness.
"Does your father have any sisters?" asks Jesse.
"She died in childbirth. My grandma died before I was born so I've never
gotten the chance to know her either." Jesse rubs the back of my neck to
soothe me. It is difficult to lift myself from sadness.
"What is your mother's name?"
"It's Linda." I'm closing my eyes to form an image of her to Send Jes.
My mom is a quarter Indian and it shows. Her hair is black. She has a big
nose and some other Native American features to her face. "My sister was
named after my mother's sister who died as a little girl."
Jesse nods in understanding.
"My mother's mother is still alive. Her name is Betsy With-a-big-voice
who married Thomas Shore." I'm Showing Jes my grandma's face along with that
of my grandpa's though he is dead.
"Short Hair..."
"I know. You don't think it's proper to name the dead but that isn't what
my people believe. I want to remember grandpa! He let me ride on his back
when I was little. That's only one fond memory that I have of him. My mom
often speaks of grandpa Shore as if he were still alive. He is, so long as
we remember him."
"Mike. My People aren't forgetting those who've died by not speaking
their names out loud. It's a matter of respect. In my culture, you would
refer to him as your mother's father."
"I wasn't saying that you want to forget them. In my society, we're just
not afraid to name them."
"And I respect that, Mike."
One of Christopher's memories touches upon this. He'd been scolded by
Good-eyes when he dared to speak grandpa's name out loud. It was after that
terrible battle. He told his lover how Strong-as-the-mountain died in his
arms. That man had saved my life by pulling on my hair to keep me low to the
ground until those soldiers passed by. There was real fear in Owopspec
because he believed that invoking his grandpa's name might bring his
troubled spirit down from the Above. His death had been a violent one. Tears
sting my eyes. I really liked my lover's grandpa. He didn't deserve to get
shot dead by those blue coats!
I'm shaken out of that strong memory by Jesse.
:Love! I See the turmoil in your head by having your former self's
memories. Only take upon his wisdom and experiences, not his sadness!:
I'm wiping my hand across my face. :Our Merging is hard to deal with
sometimes.: Jes Sends me his understanding and love that I need at this
moment. I'm feeling silly by my weak display.
:It's alright, love. We've both cried here on the couch before. This is
our place to face troubles. Together.:
"Yeah." I release a huff of breath.
"Do you want to try some of my aunt's barbequed buffalo?" asks Jesse.
"Thanks, no. We should wait until your mom comes home." I know that Jes
is trying to get my mind off my troubles by changing the subject. I'm not
ready to. There's something in me that needs to be released. "Let me give
you the names of the rest of my mother's family."
"Alright, Mike."
I wet my lips and speak. "My mother's mother is Betsy With-a-big-voice as
I've told you. Her mother was Shirt-for-man." Jes already knows this when we
were Shown Christopher's memories during our Passing Rite. He'd married that
Blackfoot girl. It was arranged by his warrior lover in the hope that his
tribe would accept that white youth as one of their own. It hadn't. When
Good-eyes stood over his murdered lover with grief, ill comments were made
by Runs-like-wind-through-the-grass and particularly from a young brave.
This half breed said that Christopher was full white blooded and therefore
his loyalties were suspect in spite of marrying a squaw. All that Good-eyes
had hoped for Chris became unrealized by that man's words. He nearly stuck
his blade into Eli Kie out of rage. Good-eyes didn't know that this very
brave was the one who murdered his white lover!
My hands tighten into fists. My lover should have killed that evil man!
If he had, Eli Kie wouldn't have murdered Ron, Officer Danielson, Miss
Thomas and who knows who else he's crossed paths with. That Trickster
deserves death!
"Mike?"
I'm raising my hand to assure Jesse that I'm alright. I'm not. Eli Kie
is gonna get what he deserves one day, maybe by my own hand! A few deep
breaths are taken to try calming myself. I'm hiding my anger from Jes.
"Let me finish naming those of my family." Those words were hissed from
my mouth. I take a deep breath and shove my shaking hands beneath my thighs.
"My... Christopher's parents were Joshua and Lythia Walker." My throat
chokes up bad. Grief shoots into my heart like an arrow because I'd seen
them drown during a river crossing. I should have died with them.
:Mike! That's Christopher's grief you should not take upon yourself.:
I'm drowning in woe. I never had the chance to say goodbye to Ma! My last
glimpse was of her slipping beneath the churning water until Mr. Telson
found her body. He buried her while I cried and yet I couldn't believe she
was gone. Pa was never found. I'd clung to the hope that he survived along
with his wife. That they'd come to the fort and reclaim me as their son.
I find myself standing before the wall of hand drums. Jes is grasping my
arm. I turn to him. "My heart feels his pain! I see what he has seen! Even
his thoughts are my own." I'm shutting my eyes to deny Chris but I cannot.
He has become who I am now.
"Then release this pain that he could not."
I see the understanding in my lover's eyes. He looks past me to the drums
hanging over the wall. I reach up and take hold of Winna's drum. Jesse
brings down his drum. His head towel is cast to the floor. We kneel over the
carpet facing each other.
Jes waits for me to begin the rite that will release the terrible aching
in my heart. He doesn't know how to perform it. I think I do. The tom-tom
in my hand strikes over the drum in a slow sad beat. He matches me beat for
beat. Harsh chanting fills my ears that is coming from my mouth, from
Christopher. He's singing to honor the memory of the dead.
Tears fill my eyes that I allow to fall down my cheeks without shame. My
drumming will release our pain. I'll sing a Death Song for my parents, my
warrior lover and also for myself as Chris.
"You have gone to a better place, Ma... Pa! Know that your lives passed
through me and Shirt-for-man to our little girl. The reason for our joinin'
was to serve another purpose, one that failed to convince the People I was
truly one of 'em. Ma! You had a grand daughter. She was given your mother's
name of Betsy added to her Indian name, With-a-big-voice. Her daughter bore
another daughter and the son whom I am livin' through. Pa! I will rejoin you
and Ma in heaven. Until then, be at peace."
Boom boom. Boom boom. I have given my parents the proper farewell I
couldn't in my former life. Another now must Hear from me.
"Good-eyes, my love! You gave me a new life amongst your People after I
thought it was over with at the fort. Those three years with you were my
happiest! I've Seen your grief and know that you want to avenge my death but
I ask that you do not, for to do so through Jes-ee-ah will surely be the
death of this man I love! That sacrifice of your life to borne the Nahtoya
Ponokah Nah-tos Kits tah kee with a spirit has come into us. All your hopes
to save those who are like us in the tribe will become realized. That was
your sacred task. One for life instead of seeking death for a man! Be at
peace where you now dwell."
Boom boom. Boom boom. I glance teary eyed at Jesse who has his eyes
lowered to his hand beating over his drum. Boom boom. Boom boom. Only one
more must Hear from me.
"My former self. I honor your life when you were only Christopher. I do
not mourn for you. Within me, you live again to add all that you were so I'll
become a better person and in service of our People. Hear me! I release all
your sorrow and pain through the beating of drum and in song. It is done."
Boom boom. Boom. My mouth closes after saying what had to be said. The
tom-tom in my hand is lowered to my knee. Jesse grasps that hand, Sharing
in the relief I'm feeling after letting go of my loved ones.
My right hand is tingling after the drumming. Jes takes my tom-tom away.
He sets Winna's drum over the floor with his before embracing me. He feels
so good! My shoulders feel the lighter for not carrying that burden of grief
Chris had for so long. It has set our spirit free.
We slowly separate from each other. Jesse has tears in his eyes that I
wipe from his face. "Let's go eat some chocolate pudding." My lover breaks
into a gentle smile. I'm smiling, too. My heart is at ease.
Jes scrapes the last of his pudding from the cup with his spoon. I've
been watching his every move. The way his long arms bend at his sides, his
braided hair swinging along his back, how his delicate brown hand grasps his
favorite dessert that I've enjoyed sharing with him. I use my finger to wipe
our pudding cups for a last taste of chocolate. It is good. My lover gives
me shy eyes.
"I've not enjoyed eating chocolate for a long time. Not since I've been
in Montana."
"You ate a lot of candy when you were working on your computer."
"Yeah. That sugar rush helped keep me awake when I worked late into the
night. It also gave me a feeling of, well... being loved." I set Jesse's
empty pudding cup down on the counter. Our eyes meet in understanding.
"You're substituted me for chocolate, Mike. Is that it?"
Jesse giggles. I grab hold of the back of his head to bring our faces
together. I'm kissing my lover. My tongue pushes past his lips to steal out
a taste of chocolate from his mouth. He's quickly swallowing, making battle
with his tongue against mine so I can't steal more from him. We're laughing.
"Silly!" Jes scolds.
"Yeah." My eyes peer deep into his when I direct my thoughts at him.
:You're much better than chocolate.: Jesse buries his face in my neck. I
hold him closer to me, really seeing him for what he is. A kid wantin' to
catch up with his true age but that doesn't have to happen all of sudden.
:You're helping me grow up, love.:
I'm nibbling on his earlobe and whisper, "It's okay to be yourself. You
don't need to pretend with me, Jes. I have set no expectations for you to
act like a man."
"My People need me!"
"Yes. But Running Water has told me that it takes a lifetime to learn
how to become shaman. Grandfather will set you on that sacred path."
"I want to be grown up. For you, Mike."
"Oh, Jes. I love you for the way you are!" His hands pull over my back
through my shirt. He's clinging to me for support. My young lover has
finally bared his soul completely to me. "You're a great kid. Ah. The man I
have come to love."
My thoughts turn to Wind-go-through-his-hair. He was a kid, too. Only
thirteen when I met him but there were times when his maturity showed like
Jesse's has. I'm learning from both of them that my heart can love more than
one person at a time.
Jesse pulls from my arms. He peers up at me with those gorgeous brown
eyes of his. I give him an assuring grin.
"You are seeing with new eyes, Short Hair."
I'm nodding to his unspoken question. After releasing my former self's
pain, another wall has come down between us. I am seeing with eyes that had
been his and my own, viewing our world separately but no longer. We've
merged. It's like the fingers of my hand forming a fist. The power in that!
I'm seeing things more clearly now. This boy before me who has been set
on the path of manhood is not unlike what I've seen of another youth I
loved. Wind-go-through-his-hair was named a brave of his People at the age
of fifteen. A proud moment for us both! Yet I miss those carefree days when
we enjoyed boyhood pursuits: our naked romps through camp to embarrass
girls, pissing contests with boys that turned into male relief rites of
another kind, and the practical jokes we played on Owopspec. I'm smiling to
myself. He was rather cross with us when we knotted our long hair to his as
he slept. A blade had to be used in the morning to separate our heads with a
loss of some proud length to Owopspec's hair. He set our knotted tangles
amongst his collection of scalps in warning. It didn't stop us from playing
other jokes on him though.
A sly grin comes to my lips. Running Water is a stern man not unlike
Owopspec. He could use some humor in his life to break him out of that. A
ghost of a plan comes together in my head. I wonder if Jes would play along?
The telephone rings, startling me from Sharing it with Jesse. He is
quick to pick it up. The tension on his face eases from hearing his mother's
voice. I press my ear against the phone to listen.
"... alright?"
"Yes, mom. Those officers came and went without any trouble. Oh. Uncle
Looks-upon-the-sunrise came by with his wife for a visit. She's brought a
pan of barbequed buffalo for us to eat."
"That was nice of her."
"So. Tell me, mom. Did you get your job back?"
"That's why I'm calling!"
We both hear excitement in the woman's voice. She's speaking in Siksika
so no one at her office can overhear her.
"Mr. Spencer is allowing me to work part time for now. I'll come in three
days a week and I've agreed to get training on the computer. I hope Mike
will help me with that."
"He will, mom. I'm so happy for you!"
Jesse is jumping up and down with excitement. I reach my arms around to
calm him and we return to listening to his mom.
"... let you know that I won't be coming home until after six. The temp
Mr. Spencer hired has made a mess of things so he needs me to straighten out
her filing, catch up with bill paying and type some bid proposals he needs
to go out today. I'm back to working already! You and Mike can go ahead and
eat the food your aunt has brought. Is she still there?"
"No, mom. They left an hour ago."
I squeeze Jesse in my arms. :Tell her that your uncle will be taking us
to Hawk Flying Over's house at four. We won't be back until after she comes
home unless you think we shouldn't go...:
"Mom? Running Water is taking us over to my uncle's house later this
afternoon but if you want us to be here when you come home, we will."
There's a long pause on the line. I'm almost able to glean what Winna is
considering when she speaks.
"No, Jes-ee-ah. It would be good for you and Mike need to get out of the
house. Are you visiting with Hawk Flying Over?
"Yes."
How meekly Jes said that. That's not quite the truth. We're both hoping
that his uncle will be working late tonight so it'll only be the three of us
in the hot tub. A pleasant tingling comes from my dick.
"Have a good time over there. Jes-ee-ah? I love you."
"I love you too, mom!"
Jesse sets the phone back on its cradle. He turns within my arms to face
me with bright eyes. I'm given a really nice kiss. Before it leads to
something more, we separate with breaths racing through our mouths. We need
to save something for tonight.
We're sitting on the couch watching some television. Jes is laughing at
the 'Tom and Jerry' cartoon he's watching. I've enjoyed seeing the jokes
Jerry played on that tom cat when I was a kid. That reminds me about what I
want to pull on Running Water with Jesse's help if he's willing. When a
commercial comes on, I Share what I've planned with him. Jes gives me a
wicked grin.
:Really, Mike? You want us to do that with my uncle?:
:Only if you do, my love.: The tingling in my dick gets very strong. It's
not so much a practical joke we'll be playing on Running Water... Well.
Wind-go-through-his-hair and Chris had managed to pull it off with Owopspec.
I'm hoping that we'll be able to, too.
There's a knock on the door. Jes and I exchange worried looks before
launching ourselves from the couch. The clock reads 2:13pm. Maybe my lawyer
is coming early.
I'm opening the front door. Jesse hides behind me though he's peeking
over my shoulder on tip toes. A tall white guy greets me. He's wearing a
long-sleeved shirt and blue jeans. A cowboy hat tops his curly hair that
flows down to his shoulders in rivers of gold.
"Hello. I'm Charlie Roe."
"I'm Mike Yager." We're shaking hands. I think I know who this man is.
"I need to use the bathroom if you don't mind."
I'm turning my back to the wall to give the man some space. "Go ahead.
It's down the hall on your right." Charlie notices Jes standing at my side.
"How ne tucka, Jes-ee-ah."
My lover becomes very shy yet he mutters the appropriate Siksika response.
Charlie nods with a big grin on his face. Then he's taking off for the
bathroom. I sensed his urgent need.
:He must be Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand's friend,: Jesse Sends.
"Oh, really!" Jes punches my arm.
:Only his friend, Mike! Don't let your imagination get the better of
you. Unless...:
Jesse stares at me with his plea to know if I've gleaned something from
that man. :I didn't Sense he was gay. They're just friends like you said.:
I'm heading into the front room. Jes looks out the window towards the
street. I join him in seeing a black pickup truck parked at the curb.
:Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand is still out there.:
:One-white-horse had mentioned that Charlie was relieving him in guard
duty the other day. Remember? I wondered if he were Indian or a white guy.
Now we know.:
The television draws Jesse's attention. Tom is getting chased around the
house by a big bull dog. When he's caught, a dust cloud arises around them
with shooting stars and Tom's screams are heard. Jes is giggling.
:That poor cat!: I'm chiding Jesse.
:Tom deserves what he's getting from playing all them mean tricks on that
poor little mouse! You know what I'm talking about.:
:Yeah. But Jerry can be quite a trickster himself.: I'm given a startled
look from Jes. It was a poor choice of words on my part. I should have
called Jerry a prankster instead. He's not in the same league as Eli Kie.
A commercial comes on. That's when I notice Charlie standing in the
hallway door looking into the room at us.
"Ah, thanks. I'll be heading back outside."
I'm raising my hand to stop him. "Wait a moment, Charlie." He comes into
the front room to face me. Jes stands meekly at my side. "We want to thank
you for taking the time to watch over us, both you and Dirt-brought-up-in-
his-hand. Can you let him know from us?"
"Sure. We've heard about that art dealer getting burned up in her house.
Eli Kie is a very dangerous man."
I'm nodding. "My lawyer is expected to come by sometime after three."
"Okay. I tell Dirty... Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand."
"Thanks." I'm trying to keep a smile from showing on my lips. Charlie
almost revealed the nickname he's given to his friend - 'Dirty Hands'. I
just gleaned that from him.
Charlie is peering at Jes with pleading in his eyes. Oh. I've gleaned
that they have met before so he's wondering...
"You don't remember me, do you?" Charlie asks.
"I'm sorry. No. Where did we meet?"
"You were only a little boy at the time. Your grandfather had taken you
with him when he met with my father to arrange stud service for one of your
mares. While they were negotiating, I met you at the corral. You were...
interested in Sparking Hooves."
I notice the way Jes is looking at the man Charlie has become from that
boy he'd met. My lover's face turns red. Almost, I catch the unspoken thing
they're both remembering. Something about that stallion.
"You've gotten tall," Jesse remarks, "with lots of hair."
"I've let it grow long. You last saw me when I was twelve. I was quite an
egg head so it's no wonder you didn't recognize me." Charlie shakes his head
back and forth to get his golden lengths dancing about his shoulders.
Charlie offers his hand to Jes. I'm Feeling something intense from my
lover when he shakes with this man. The effect is electric. I see the sly
grin from Charlie that causes my lover's face to burn even brighter.
"Well. I'll should be getting back outside."
I was gonna offer to make coffee for him and Dirt-brought-up-in-his-hand
but he's already out the front door. We hear it being closed behind him. I'm
turning to Jesse.
"He's grown up."
I see the awe in my lover's eyes. "So have you, Jes."
"I mean he's so different looking! I didn't realize that he was the same
Charlie I'd met when we were boys. I'd forgotten about what he did... ah,
having met him."
That was an interesting remark. Jes remembers everything as he's told me
but perhaps he was too young to recall meeting Charlie. "How old were you?"
"Almost nine."
I'm Sensing my lover's embarrassment. His face is still a bright red from
something he's remembering that happened between them. I don't want to press
my lover about it.
:If you want to know, I'll tell you.:
:Peeking in my head again!:
:Hah! It's right there on your face, Mike. I know that you're seeing how
mine is burning. Did you glean something from me, too?:
I drop my eyes in shame. :No. I'm not gonna do that to you.: Jesse shrugs
his shoulders and heads back to the couch. I sit down beside him. He reaches
for the remote control on the coffee table and turns the television off. We
face each other.
"My grandfather is proud of his herd of horses. He's going to be turning
them over to one of my uncles this summer."
"I know. One-white-horse has told me." Jes is reluctant to reveal the
reason for his embarrassment. That's why he reverted to speaking out loud so
I won't pick up on anything he's thinking. I drop my head back against the
couch and close my eyes. He doesn't have to tell me if he'd rather not.
An image pops into my head. It's gone before I could really See it but I
think it was of a horse. Jes takes my hand into his. I'm opening myself to
what he wants to Show me.
The image of that horse returns to my inner Sight. It's a magnificent
white stallion with two brown socks prancing around the corral as Jesse
watches from the gate. Grandfather has gone into the house with Mr. Roe to
discuss something called a stud fee. I want to wait outside to see if this
horse's hooves really spark in the dirt.
I'm breaking contact with Jes because his memory is so intense. My eyes
open. I lower them from the ceiling and peer at him. His hand loosens around
mine as if from rejection. That pains my heart.
"I didn't mean to frighten you," whispers Jesse.
"I'm not. It's just that I wasn't expecting to See something from your
head so clearly."
"We've not Shared like this before. Not since our Passing Rite."
"I know." Jes is pulling his hand away so I grab hold of it. That brings
his shy eyes back up to me. "Don't feel bad, my love. You wanted to Share
something with me that happened in your childhood. I want to know but not
like that. I've experienced this from Chris when he came up in me during our
Merging. I was Shown his memories that I was living as if they were my own.
A flood of them that wouldn't stop."
Jesse nods in understanding.
I squeeze my lover's hand to assure him that it's alright. I'm reverting
to Thinking to him instead of using clumsy words. :Tell me. Did you see that
stallion's hooves spark?: I've Asked him that with sincerity and a desire to
know what he was like as a little boy.
:Mike. This memory is more than about that horse. I met Charlie at the
corral gate and he showed me something.:
My curiosity is really peaked. I'm Sensing embarrassment in Jes but also
excitement. His attraction to boys was awakened in him. I won't press him to
Share it with me though.
:I want to, love. Since it's too intense to Send this memory into your
head, take a Look at it from mine.:
"Okay." I breathed out that word from my mouth. I'm leaning my head back
against the couch and close my eyes waiting for him.
:I'm going to think about that day and you Pull it from my head. You've
Felt me doing this from your head before. I think you can do it, too.:
I squeeze Jesse's hand. There's the sense of a barrier coming down in
his head like opening a door in a movie theater. I'm walking through it
without the use of my legs. It's a bit strange! My eyes need a moment to
adjust in the dark. I look forward at the screen. A picture is playing.
Jesse is watching the horse hoping to spy on his magic. He sees strength
in the stallion's legs when he runs around the corral, the attractive shape
to his powerful butt that sprouts a long tail raised with pride but what
catches his attention is a curved length between the animal's legs. It's
like a black snake that straightens itself out along the stallion's belly.
Jesse follows it back to where it started, at the horse's sheath. That's
when he realizes what it is. He'd seen a similar growth to his dick when he
becomes excited. What this animal bears is unbelievably longer!
"He's gotten big, huh?"
Jesse is startled by the boy's voice. He turns away from staring at the
stallion's thing with much embarrassment. Shyness prevents him from looking
at this white youth directly. He can tell that the boy is wearing overalls
that only covers the bottom of him. No shirt is being worn.
"Your grandpa is going to pay my father for the use of this stallion's
cock. It's mite powerful, wouldn't you say?"
Jesse doesn't understand. Grandfather wouldn't eat horse meat. Maybe he
wants it for part of a ritual he said he was going to perform for him at
the next full moon. Would the male power from that stallion get passed into
him so he'd grow up? That's what everyone worries about. He's heard them
talking about him acting too young for his age. That's been a concern of his
father's also. Seeing his disappointment and Feeling that the man blames
himself for what's wrong with his son has made them grow more apart.
"I didn't mean to make your face burn. It's how babies are made you know."
Curiosity stirs in Jesse. He's heard something about that. "How?" That
word had forced its way from his mouth.
"Your grandfather's mare will be brought to this corral. Sparking Hooves
will stick into her and shoot his seed in to make a baby colt."
Jesse looks at the stallion's long dong again. It seems so big that
he'd hurt the mare if he were to try.
"I'm now old enough where I can shoot from my dick."
Jesse heard the pride in this boy's voice. He isn't talking about being
able to piss from it but something else. The boy said that Sparking Hooves
will shoot his seed into grandfather's mare to make a baby colt in her. Is
he boasting that he can do that?
"My name is Charlie. What's yours?"
"Jesse." A quick glimpse is taken of this boy. He only has fuzz for hair
on his head. His pink nipples stick out from his chest in an attractive way.
Jesse is startled when he's offered a hand to shake. Fine blond hair covers
the boy's arm. He sheepishly drops his eyes to avoid being touched.
Charlie drops his hand down to his crotch. He traces over the outline to
his erection showing through his pants. Jesse can't tear his eyes away.
"You're popping a boner, too."
Jesse doesn't have to look down at himself to know that he's excited. He
can feel the tightening in his shorts from his thing.
"I've heard that Indian boys keep their foreskins. Mine was cut when I
was a baby."
Jesse senses that this boy wants to show off his if he lets him see his.
A sharp pang fills his stomach. It takes his breath away when he considers
trading peeks at each other.
The stallion releases a piercing whistle that draws their attention back
to the corral. Jesse seeks out the horse's long black dong. It's dripping
fluid from the end of it. Is he seeding the ground?
"Sparking Hooves is sure excited. He can smell that one of my father's
mares is in heat. He wants to give her some!"
"His seed?" Jesse shuts his mouth tight.
"Yup. Lots of people like your grandfather have come to ask my father for
stud service. He only gets paid after the mare drops a colt. Sparking Hooves
hasn't let anyone down yet. He comes from a good lineage. So do I."
Jesse isn't sure what the boy meant by that. Charlie steps closer to the
gate and pulls off his shoulder straps. His overalls sag at his waist. After
looking back at the house for a moment, the boy bares the front of himself.
Jesse's eyes are glued to his long pink dick.
"I've only recently been able to shoot from it," Charlie says with pride.
"How 'bout yours?"
Jesse violently shakes his head. He glances towards the house to look
for grandfather but he's still inside talking to Mr. Roe. His eyes return to
Charlie's thing. The boy begins pulling over it.
"None of the girls have given me the chance to be at stud for them so I
have to relieve its aching in hand. You know what I mean." He winks.
Jesse is curious by what the boy is doing to himself. He never thought
of rubbing his when it's hard. There's an aching in him to try.
"I usually spit to my fingers so it won't chafe. You probably don't have
to for having your foreskin intact. Right?"
Jesse's teeth are clenched. He doesn't want more words to spill from his
mouth like admitting that he's never done anything with his thing that this
boy is showing him. It's a very naughty act.
"There's no one around to see us," assures Charlie. "Only Sparking Hooves
and you and me. We're all sporting boners. You've seen ours so let me take a
peek at yours."
Jesse gasps for breath. He looks around for anyone watching before
daring to drop his pants. The snap is undone. He feels Charlie's eyes on him
down there and it fills him with much excitement. No one ever wanted to see
his thing before. The front of his pants is unzipped and the underwear is
pushed down to his balls. He gives the boy a quick peek.
"Wow. Yours is nice. I like how your foreskin protects your dick from
getting chafed in your pants."
Jesse struggles with zipping himself back up but the white boy prevents
him. Charlie reaches into the front opening of his underwear to grasp his
thing. A sharp thrill comes from it.
"Don't be shy," says Charlie. "It feels good to handle yourself. Try it
and find out."
"Please, don't!" Jesse pleads. Yet part of him wants Charlie to touch
him there.
"All the boys do it."
Embarrassment grows in Jesse. He hasn't ever handled his stiff. It must
be wrong to do so or something because none of his cousins told him about
pulling over themselves. This is a white boy. He's heard about the bad
things his People have done to theirs.
Jesse steps back to free his thing from Charlie's fingers. It's sticking
out like a stick through the opening of his underwear. An aching comes from
it. Not pain, exactly. It's like a thirsty man who's given a glass to drink
from but he finds that it's empty.
Charlie steps closer and rub his thing over Jesse's. It's an intense
sensation. He can't believe that he's allowing this to happen but his feet
are rooted to the ground and his arms remain at his side.
"They're kissing." says Charlie.
The white boy is pressing his pink knob against Jesse's brown one. Their
piss holes do look like mouths. It's a strange sight. Charlie rolls his
foreskin over his own knob until it's tucked inside. The neat thrills takes
Jesse's breath away. He realizes that this must be what sex is like by
joining their naked parts. It's wrong because they're both boys.
"We can't!" Jesse pleads. He pushes on Charlie's hand to separate their
things. The boy shrugs his shoulders.
"Give it a few more years. When you've grown some, you'll feel the need
to shoot like me."
Jesse doesn't think he'll ever want to try. He stares at the boy's long
pink dick and compares it to his own. They're so different looking. His own
thing is smaller that puts him to shame.
In a rush, Jesse pulls on the front of his underwear to slip it back in.
He zippers up, presses on the snap to his pants and looks back at the house.
Pride prevents him from running back to his grandfather though.
"You won't tell on me?"
Jesse shakes his head back and forth. Charlie hasn't pulled up his
overalls yet. A last good look is taken of this boy's thing. He sees how its
pink knob isn't protected by a foreskin not like his. Maybe he only wanted
to know what that felt like.
"You've never seen another boy's before?" asks Charlie. "I didn't know
what you can do with it until a friend showed me. I don't have an older
brother to teach me."
Jesse doesn't have any brothers either. He shares Charlie's regret.
"I learned from my friend how it can feel good." Charlie tightens his
fingers around his thing and pulls over it back and forth.
Jesse is mesmerized by the boy's action. Charlie grins. It's like he
wants to be a friend to him by sharing something special. He notices how
breaths are being held. It makes Charlie's belly tremble until he gasps for
another breath. There's fine hair covering the white boy's body. Jesse
wonders how it would feel against his palm. He doesn't have the nerve to try.
Charlie seems to be concentrating on doing it because he has his eyes
closed. His pink tongue sticks out between his teeth like a snake. Jesse
notices that the boy's underwear has fallen to his knees so his pale butt
shows. It's humping in time to what his hand is doing in front. So filled
with power. Jesse senses it rising in Charlie like how he can Feel things
from people by touching them. He gets the urge to touch this boy again. He
stops his left hand from reaching out to him.
Charlie cries out. A few shots come out his dick that strikes the corral
fence. Jesse feels a throbbing from his dick that feels intense. Both boys
gasp for air.
"You see. It feels good doing it," the boy whispers. He winks at the shy
little Indian boy.
Jesse looks back at the house. He's relieve that no one was watching.
Charlie has pulled up his underwear and lifts the overalls straps back over
his shoulders. They return to watching the stallion prancing in the corral.
Normal sight returns to my eyes. I lower them from the ceiling to see
Jesse giving me a shy expression. He's Shared something from his past that
leaves me in awe. The detail of his memory! I can't recall much from when I
was nine.
:I remember everything, Mike.:
Jesse has proven that this is so. :I wish that I had your gift.:
:No you don't. Everything I've ever seen and heard fills my head like a
tape recorder that never stops. I worried that I was going to burst! On top
of all that, I was Feeling things from others and Hearing their thoughts.
People can think such bad things, Mike.:
Shame fills me. Jes has Heard my own thoughts. Some that were wicked. I'm
learning how to block him from knowing but it takes concentration. Sorta
like what my lips do when ill words threaten to pop out of my mouth.
:I didn't know Charlie was that boy I met from the corral.:
:I wouldn't have either with him grown up and all.: I'm Sensing something
Jesse is wondering about him. :I don't think he's gay though. Boys of his
age like to show off in front of younger boys. Chris often saw that himself
when the youths of his tribe partook of pissing contests, compared the
lengths of their dicks and older boys liked put youngin's to shame by their
manly displays."
:I'd forgotten what Charlie had done with me.:
I reach for Jesse's arm and squeeze it. :What he did to you was real
embarrassing, wasn't it? Maybe that's why you never beat off. At such a
young age, it must have been hard for you to discover that you liked boys.:
:You've Shown me what Chris did with his Blackfoot friends. Some of those
boys were really young yet they enjoyed playing along.:
:They were curious about performing those naked acts and it felt good.
That didn't make 'em gay.: Jes nods. I'm relieved that he wasn't shocked
by what my former self had done with boys. I have other memories from Chris
that might. He's fucked a squaw man along with some of the boys that left
him feeling bad afterwards because there was no love in it. His friends did
it to prove their manhood. Chris was just beginning to learn the difference
between sex and love. Those same friends of his would gladly stick in his
pale butt out of a sense of conquest. He realized that so he didn't let
them. Only one youth was given that part of himself coming from their love
for each other. Ah, Wind-go-through-his-hair. I am missing you!
:Short Hair? Now that you've seen events in the past from your former
self to what you've seen in this life, do things repeat themselves?:
:I'm not sure what you mean?: Jesse stares into the distance for a
moment before he Thinks to me again.
:Have you faced problems that Chris had and worked past them in the same
way? Was he much like you or very different?:
Laughter bursts out of me. :We're very much the same in how we think and
react to things. I think Chris was more grown up than me in lots of ways.
I'm using what he learned to guide me now. For example, I was confused about
my love for Running Water when I was only Mike. It didn't seem right that I
should love him and you at the same time. Now that I've learned about my
former self's love for Owopspec and his boy named Wind-go-through-his-hair,
I can accept my feelings for your uncle. You'd already accepted that about
me even before I could. I'd thought it was because you were feeling guilty
about being with Ron. I know now that's not so.:
Jesse smiles. His eyes roam all over me as if looking for some physical
change but he's actually Looking inside me. I'm feeling that familiar tickle
in my head. That's where he'll find the change in me from who I was a few
weeks ago. I used to worry that he wouldn't like what he sees, maybe not
love me anymore.
"I do love you, Short Hair!"
A sharp breath blows through my nose. I'm Sensing how much more he does
now for getting past some of the dumb things in my head. Chris helped me
work past them as he had done in his own life. He really was me. Now, I am
him. That seems strange because this is my body and my life now. I suppose a
way to look at it is that we are of one spirit. Our bodies are but a small
finger of that greater existence that encompasses the All. Wow. I'm really
reaching.
I see pleading in Jesse's eyes. What's he waiting for? Oh! I'm rushing
to embrace him and in his ear I whisper, "I love you, Jes-ee-ah!"
"I already know that, silly. Give me a kiss. Okay?"
As if he had to ask. Jes turns his brown face towards me and we peer at
each other for several heartbeats. My thoughts are racing. He reminds me of
that youth Christopher loved. Would that mean Running Water is my Owopspec?
No. My warrior's spirit and self are within this young man I'm holding in my
arms. Chris and I love him with all of our heart! Wind-go-through-his-hair
and Running Water are given only a part of it or actually, I'm realizing
that we love them differently yet not any less intense. They are loving
brothers to us. Jes-ee-ah is my mate.
Jes slips his nose along mine and gives me a kiss. Our lips drink of the
love that seems to grow stronger between us with each day. I used to cry
from the intense feelings from it but no more. Being in love is wonderful!
We settle back into the couch in our usual places with me on the left
and Jesse on the right. My lover's hand is pledged to me. His right will
serve the People as grandfather Saw in his vision. It's come true.
Our heads press together. We look down at our clasping hands, brown in
white that just feels right. My fear that our clashing cultures, differing
beliefs and upbringing hasn't lessened what we are to each other. It is
because of those differences that makes us stronger by learning who we
really are through each other's eyes. We've been given a wondrous gift to do
just that.
Jes reaches for the remote control on the coffee table. He switches the
TV on. It's the news. I Sense his disappointment that the afternoon cartoons
have ended. We watch reports about the bad things going on in the world.
There's so much suffering and grief. Why do people dwell so much on that?
There's much pleasure and happiness in our lives. That's not often reported
on the news and I think it should be. Jesse switches to another channel.
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