Coming soon: TV shows for the quirky and zany

July 22, 2011

During my sophomore year at Shepherd University, I became depressed by the state of television programs - mindless reality shows and formulaic hour-long dramas with zero staying power. I saw these things and knew that I could fix what was wrong with modern television.

I kept a journal of TV show pitches, but I never had the guts to send it out. Some of the shows are, for obvious reasons, a bit problematic given developments since 2006. Here are the ideas I had, whose time I think have come.

Viewers are absolutely going to love "Blue Tooth." This sort of thing has never been done before: the show details the day-to-day action of a police K-9 unit. All of the principal cast members are German Shepherds, and to keep the realism, we will not provide annoying voice-overs for the dogs. These guys are tremendous actors (they come from a rich pedigree [Editor's note: we apologize on Mr. Davis' behalf for the truly awful pun]), and not since the days of Charlie Chaplin have performers been able to say so much without words. This is pure drama at its gritty finest.

The next show is a sort of home improvement show. It will feature step-by-step instructions for those do-it-your-selfers at home who want to work on similar projects. On "Body Builders," we have our highly-trained and delightfully humorous group of body technicians who respond to viewer requests. They will come to the person's house to help them realize their dreams of being more than human. On our first show, our team installs pogo sticks into the shin bones of a man who has always wanted to hop like his favorite creature, the loveable kangaroo. Also, we fit a Darth Vader voice modulator onto his voice box so that he can sound just like his favorite galactic villain.

Subsequent episodes will feature an overworked mother as she is fitted with two more sets of arms, a 3-year-old boy given bat's wings and a very special Halloween episode where two large industrial strength Slinkies are used to replace a couple's spines so they can roll down stairs alone or in pairs.

Here's an idea for a brand new police procedural program. Studies and analysis of ratings and TV watching patterns indicate the public loves shows depicting the investigative techniques of an elite, yet still wonderfully witty and eccentric group of crime scene technicians. Studies also show people love children. On "ESI: Elementary School Investigators," we have a truly unique concept: all of the principal cast members play childhood geniuses, brilliant medical pathologists and detectives whose work up until this point has been more academic than field-based. Watch as Jody, Brittany, Caleb, Octavius and Jesse turn up the heat on crime and do battle with their arch nemesis, Andrew the Nose Picker, who tries to blame his crimes on others but is constantly outsmarted by the team.

This last show focuses on the wealthier group of individuals, those among us always wanting the best, even after death. In "Pimp My Burial," we feature the latest and most extravagant luxuries and Veblen goods for the dead, the best since the Egyptians. One of our guests requested that, instead of being embalmed, he wanted his body pumped full of Cristal so he could enjoy the very best during his final rest. One lady desired to be dipped in liquid gold and then displayed after hardening. A couple asked to be buried in their Rolls Royce Phantom, the back seat filled with Iranian beluga sturgeon caviar, the trunk filled with foie gras, and the couple themselves wrapped tightly in newly (and specially) minted $10,000 bills. They will be buried on a 100-acre site where no one will be allowed to trespass. That truly is the kind of burial we can only dream about.

So, what do you think? Would you watch any of these shows? Should I start shopping these things around?