As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn’t pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.

An older, single woman usually has had her fill of “meaningful relationships” and “commitment.” Can’t relate? Can’t commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

(Probably a very short column)Of course, many of the younger generation, including our sons and daughters, find it disgusting that Granny and Gramps could still be doing it. “More than you think,” says Frank. “Much more!”

With WebCams for everything else, it’s time for GeezerCam. The camera could follow my every movement from the times I get up in the middle of the night to pee right through my exciting day until my wife and I shake hands at bedtime. Eye-popping? You bet!

Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn’t miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they’re lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here.

NOSTALGIA…

If you grew up when neighborhood drugstores sold little but medicine and sodas, when prescriptions cost 67 cents, and when Lime Rickeys, Green River, Lydia Pinkhams and Hadacol were “the mostest,” this column’s for you.

Many of us lost a dear friend on April 29, 2004, as the final Oldsmobile rolled off the assembly line. The oldest automotive brand name in US history died at age 106. What are your Olds memories? I share some of mine.

Remember? You were going to live forever. Today, the you that you think you are and the you that others see are unrecognizable one to the other. Trust me on this. Read Frank’s belated valentine to the Class of 1953.

It wasn’t much on looks. It had more miles on it than God. The clutch slipped, the rear shocks didn’t work, and inside it smelled like someone died. But that ’39 Studebaker was my first car, my first true love.

What a quaint concept! In this day of $2-a-gallon gas, imagine getting actual service at a service station. Today, it’s as bizarre a notion to anyone under 40 as a gentleman’s tipping his hat to a lady. Yet, 40 years ago, both were part of everyday America. Here’s what happened.

BATTLES WE WAGE…

The suicide rate among seniors in Japan was extraordinarily high for many, many years until the Japanese government undertook several social programs to provide proper care for the elderly 20-25 years ago.

I think it is the repeat of President Barrack Obama’s promise to “veto all earmarks” that Congress sends him, that brought to mind the great lexicon we live with in our version of the English language.

How did the local government know I had a cat? The veterinarian was the only source of that information and must have reported it to the government. Big Brother is apparently alive and well in the cat business.

While it has been rumored for a while that the nearly 60 million Americans who draw Social Security benefits may find them frozen again this year it has finally been confirmed by Washington that there will be no Social Security cost-of-living increase in 2011.

When is the last time you got a call from someone taking a poll that didn’t want to sell you a free weekend in a timeshare resort about 10 miles west of paradise? I know a lot of people, but few, if any, have ever gotten a call from a legitimate pollster if such an animal really exists.

Greedy geezers get blamed for all America’s financial ills these days. What with gazillions going for Social Security, Medicare, and a host of other programs promoting greed and sloth among us old poops, seems there’s hardly anything left for political pork, corporate welfare, and war.

Gaggles of Raging Grannies all across the US and Canada promote global peace, justice, and social and economic equality by raising public awareness through the medium of song and humor. If only guys could join.

When Plan D insurance companies let greed dictate service, seniors became exasperated by the wanton gall of it all. Seems time to demonstrate to America that we still remember that democracy is a government of, by, and especially, for the people.

I called my Congressman today to ask him how big his donut hole is. Guess what? He doesn’t have a donut hole. Nor does he have to pay out of pocket for drugs not covered. In fact, the People’s House lives by very different rules than you and I. Is that fair? Read Frank’s modest proposal.

Wouldn’t that explain a lot? Who else but aliens, posing as “representatives of the people,” would dismiss their constituents’ biggest problems, listening only to and voting only for those who give them big money? For proof, read Plan D!

While Medicare’s Plan D sinks under the weight of political bribes and drug and insurance giveaways, a recent Congressional report concludes the drug prices offered by Part D drug plans are “over 60 percent higher than the prices available to consumers in Canada…almost 3 percent higher than the prices available at Costco.”

Learn how and why AARP lies to us about Medicare‘s Plan D. Instead of fighting for seniors, AARP throws us to the HMO wolves and builds power on our good names. In turn we are rewarded with the occasional hotel discount.

Who saves? Who doesn’t? Here’s a look behind the gobbledygook at exactly what you can expect under the new Medicare drug bill. I, for one, will have nothing to do with it. I’ll lose way too much money.

Like its predecessor, Medicare+Choice, the new Medicare Advantage program seems to outshine plain old Medicare just as Congress intended. Could it be another attempt to kill Medicare, putting seniors at the mercy of the profit-hungry HMOs?

The Federal Drug Administration is at war with seniors. The USFDA is America’s very own terrorist organization. Its lies on behalf of the thuggish and greedy drug companies are costing us billions. Costing us lives, too.

All about traitors — both in Congress and at AARP — and the final death rattle of an idea that could have saved countless thousands of senior lives and immeasurable suffering: physical, financial, and emotional.

Wonder why your 2003 Social Security increase is so cheesy? Here’s how Congress is screwing us seniors once again, this time by not measuring our Social Security inflation index by realistic senior expenses.

We seniors are under attack like never before. In their insatiable lust for profit, the pharmaceutical industry vultures have become so bold, so arrogant in their grab for riches, they now menace the fiscal and physical health of most seniors. Here’s what to do.

Congress lies when it says it wants to pass a Medicare drug benefit this year. Fortunately, drug companies now offer cheap, even free pharmaceuticals pretty much for the asking to those seniors who need them most.

Mention the senior market and even veteran admen and women conjure Mr. Whipple squeezing Charmin while Clara chortles “Where’s the beef?” They haven’t a clue that most of us are rich, free-spending active consumers.

Maybe F. Scott Fitzgerald was right when he said, “There are no second acts in American lives.” But look at Cher, Tony Bennett, and The Supremes. John Glenn. The Volkswagen Beetle, for crying out loud. If they can do it, why can’t I?

HAVING FUN…

From the primeval rainforests and volcanoes to the ever-smiling, waving and helpful Ticos, Frank and Carolyn explore this Central American democracy and find it fascinating from Atlantic to Pacific. Inexpensive, too.

Carolyn, Frank’s wife and traveling companion to China last year, provides her impressions of this fast-changing nation, probably the friendliest, safest, and most interesting place you’ll ever visit.

DEAR SUDDENLY SENIOR…

Thus begins yet another service from Suddenly Senior. Experts Flo and Moe respond to readers’ deepest concerns. Learn about a wife’s dilemma with her clicker-happy husband, even orgies, octogenarian-style.

THE JOYS OF GETTING OLDER…

Perhaps you’re simply seeking new friends to socialize with, go to dinner, go dancing, to the theater, movies or ball games. Whomever you seek, you can likely find that person on a dating website more easily than the traditional options.

As if we didn’t have enough problems down here. In addition to ever more savage hurricanes, rapacious developers, and arguably the most venal politicians on earth, Florida now claims the title, Python Capital of the Nation.

Twelve days after Carolyn’s 65th birthday, she was getting a new, younger face sculpted in a Costa Rican hospital. For about a fifth the US cost, she had a US-trained, board-certified doctor, the best hospital she’d ever seen, and recuperation under a volcano in the rain forest.

A recent study claims geezers are rude compared with young adults. It found that see nothing wrong in asking about a friend’s hemorrhoids, bankruptcy, or recent marital infidelity across a crowded dinner table. Read the truth about this phenom here.

Back in our day, school was, well, a bore. Today, teachers on bikes seduce 14-year-old boys, science teachers share their home-grown pot, and soon Florida students can shoot bullies, teachers, even parents pretty much at will.

Frank’s wife, Carolyn, finds (to her horror!) her mother’s words pouring from her mouth as she threatens a grandson with a bath. The words have no effect. Years ago, they had no effect on Carolyn. Or, before that, on her mother. Is this in our DNA? Did our Neanderthal forebears use the same empty phrases?

Frank’s wife, Carolyn, got fired. At 63, where can she go for a job that won’t discriminate because of her age? How about Congress? Great pay. Terrific benefits. Frank tells all you need to know to get in.

We know your little secret. Aren’t you a bit long in the tooth to be chatting with an imaginary friend? Isn’t talking to yourself a sign of insanity? Before the white-coat boys with nets start heading your way, read this.

I myself have a full head of hair, good looks, great muscle tone, and the flattest belly this side of the Fifth Street Gym. Why that 65-year-old guy in the mirror let himself go so, I have no idea. But he ought to be ashamed.

My colonoscopy and endoscopy procedures were broken down into three stages: Bathroom; Biopsy; and Babbling. Read detailed do’s and don’ts about these lifesaving tests that push your humility, dignity, and humor to their limits. Bottoms up!

We got married first, then slept together. Service stations had service. Fast food was what our Catholic friends ate during Lent. “Made in Japan” meant junk, and “making out” referred to how you did on your math exam.

For years, I’ve resisted the temptation to sneak off to nap for a half hour or so. Not wanting to appear senior before my time, I put napping up there with drinking before noon and wearing white in winter. It wasn’t worth the guilt.

Here’s how to get President George W. Bush to send a personal Birthday Greeting to someone you love. Ex-presidents Clinton, Bush, Reagan, and Ford, too. It’s a nice gesture, but watch out! It can cause BIG TROUBLE.

A Field Guide to Fla. Hurricanes for those considering retirement down here. Three days that changed our Florida world. What it was like before, during, and after the most destructive hurricane since Andrew.

Readers warned me: One more disparaging word about President Bush and God would get me. Now, after four hurricanes that may or may not be my fault, I’ve got the whole state of Florida mad at me, especially poor little Babson Park.

If you ever want to get away from it all and return to the friendlier world you knew as a kid, I suggest that you visit or retire to Florida’s Madison County. Its comfort and ease are akin to that first deep breath you take as you step off a jet following a particularly harrowing flight.

Although no one can possibly know exactly what was in this mother’s head when she systematically murdered her five children, I have traveled to the dark outskirts of that hell in which she found herself. I feel compelled to tell you what it was like for me.

Remember your dream? Where you were going to sketch beside a waterfall in Maui? Or sail a clipper ship to Tahiti? Or turn your hobby into a successful business, making work pleasurable again. Frank asks, what happened?

Boomers, now joining our ranks by the millions, hate to be called “seniors.” After years of worshipping at the altar of youth, getting that “Welcome to AARP” letter freaks them. Poor things. I have some suggestions on what to call these aging whippersnappers.

Is this the end of the road? The final step before The Last Roundup? Living in the land of “Early Bird Specials,” shuffleboard, and shuffling octogenarians, Frank takes a look at his new home “On Top of the World.”

My wife, Carolyn, and I are three miles up, falling, tumbling, soaring through space at 174 feet per second ó 120 mph or “terminal velocity.” Read why two old goats jumped from a perfectly good airplane last week.

Americans age 65 and up are jumping on the Web faster than a free Early Bird Special. What are they doing there? Two thousand Suddenly Senior readers confess. Read all about useful sites helpful to old pros and newbies alike.

What do Sparkle Plenty, Lou Costello, Fibber McGee, Trigger, Doris Day, Black Jack Chewing Gum, 10¢ War Bond Saving Stamps, and Pinocchio have in common? They’re all part of this week’s Suddenly Senior Trivia Quiz. See how YOU do.

Here’s another chance to prove that your memory’s (somewhat) intact. Victory Gardens, telephone party lines, blue bulbs, old Studebakers, and how “The gals will all pursue ya.” It’s all here in the 2003 search for those “Older Than Dirt!”

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