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In my last post I spoke about how much I want for my kids and I meant every word I said, but I’m feeling very conflicted . It has to do with the fact that I’m always taking care of others and I’ve put myself on the back burner for so long that I don’t know how to change it. The thing is I’m feeling very good about who I’ve become these days and I don’t want that to change but I can’t ever seem to win when it comes to getting others to understand I need their help too and when I try to help in some way, it’s so misunderstood and don’t just don’t understand why.

Let me try to give you an example of what I’m talking about.

One of my kids has their drivers permit and in the beginning I knew I wasn’t the person to teach them to drive. Not because I didn’t want to, it has to do with I’m afraid something could happen to them when their on the road and although I have found that I have so much strength that I never thought I could eve r have…..if something happened to one of them I don’t know if I could handle that. I even expressed to my child how I felt, after all it was a car accident that changed my life and put me on disability. I wouldn’t change what happened to me, but I still don’t want any my kids to go through what I had to. I’d rather them never have to feel any pain.

Anyway, my dad was the one who stepped up and gave driving lessons and now it’s about time to take the drivers test. The past couple of week s I’ve let my child drive with me, but the moment I try to give any advice about something that I felt could get in the way of obtaining that license, I was supposedly pressuring and insulting my child. It’s any advice or help I try to give, “things are different now….,” is the usual excuse!

One thing I need to mention is that I was still with their dad and my abusive ex husband up until 6 years ago. I left him several times due to domestic violence but would go back to him mainly so I could keep the kids safe. They were so young and he was starting to take his temper out on them at times and the only way I could protect them was by being there too. Then when he had tried to kick my dog and instead ended up kicking me where I went flying in the air across the room I got us away from him again. The difference was the kids were now older and very verbal about how afraid they were of him to a counselor. That counselor was going to testify to that in court so they would be protected too so his attorney told him it was possible her could lose any custody rights and so my ex offered to agree to a Court order that stated the kids would be able to decide for themselves when and if they wanted to see him. He was sure they would want to, but that wasn’t the choice any of them made and to this date the only one who has gone to visit him is my oldest daughter who is now an adult, but I never just by herself and never overnight. Usually no more than an hour or two and only a few times.

The reason I mentioned that is because of the guilt I felt for them having to go through that and they knew that and used the guilt I felt to get away with some things. I went from taking care of everything for my ex to taking care of everything thing for my kids and I lost myself on the way. I didn’t make them do any chores even though I was the one on disability. Although they know I’m getting worse I still can’t get the help I need and a lot of that is my fault, but not all of it.

There’s still so much to this story, but I’m really tired now so I will try to write more on it next time. I also appreciate just knowing I can’t come here and talk about what I’m feeling. It’s been holed up inside for so long and having a way to get some of the hurt out…..so necessary.