McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

Cat Performance Review

1. Skill and proficiency in carrying out assignments

Inconsistent. When asked to come sit on the couch or get down off of the kitchen table, Stereo’s performance is uneven at best. I’ve also met resistance when assigning her to wear a homemade snowflake hat for our yearly Christmas card and when asking her to stop backing into me, butthole first.

Additionally, while I know that she is able to do a backflip onto the floor, she consistently refuses to perform on command so that I can create a Vine.

2. Possesses skills and knowledge
to perform the job competently

Proficient. Stereo is very cute. She doesn’t shy away from attention and will allow occasional petting in a well-received manner. Unfortunately her attitude comes off as if she just doesn’t care. For example, if I say “Stereo come here” or rapidly pat the couch to indicate next steps, she fails to follow through on a regular basis. This lack of respect is embarrassing for management and guests.

3. Skill at planning, organizing,
and prioritizing workload

Highly Effective. I would categorize Stereo’s workload as light. She moves effortlessly between eating, sleeping, and staring blankly at the Boston fern. Her grooming seems to be taking a back seat to eating, and I would like to see her pay as much attention to cleaning the middle of her lower back as she does to the bag of treats we keep beneath the sink.

4. Holds self accountable for assigned responsibilities;
sees tasks through to completion in a timely manner

Proficient. Stereo sets high standards for herself, consistently finishing any bowl of food put in front of her (her pace is of some concern, as guests have commented that her consumption levels may border on unhealthy at times.)

With that said, there have been a few embarrassing episodes coming out of the litter box, where performance is stuck in media res. When this occurs, Stereo takes immediate action, dragging the bottom of the problem area on the floor until the transaction has been severed appropriately. On these occasions, management (me) has not minded picking up what she left off because of the effort Stereo put forth.

5. Communicates effectively with supervisor and peers

Inconsistent. Too often, Stereo chooses to vocalize her concerns at inconvenient times in a baffling manner (i.e. yowling). Paired with inconsistent behavior, such as marching back and forth on management’s head at night, this communication is far from effective, as management has no fucking clue what she wants.

6. Ability to work cooperatively
with supervision or as part of a team

Inconsistent. Her peers, primarily our tuxedoed intern, have expressed questions about Stereo’s passion for existence, in some cases trailing her through the home to try and spark collaboration. In these instances, Stereo has reacted defensively, a troubling pattern that ends up affecting everyone’s ability to follow the plot lines of Game of Thrones.

However, Stereo has also inherited some rather messy situations from the intern. When this occurs, she has uses tact and directness to cover them with litter and complete her own work.

Unsatisfactory. Stereo’s judgment is questionable on occasion. For example, despite having two carpet-covered poles at her disposal, Stereo has continued to liaison with the side of the couch. While some of this may be chalked up to habit, there is no discernible reason that Stereo should continue to make this poor choice, as it has been clearly stated to her that destroying the furniture is not cost-effective.

While she displays quick reaction times and a surprising amount of physical grace for her bulk when playing with toys on a string, she remains consistently fooled by a simple laser pointer. Although amusing for management, this is a troubling inability to discern between illusion and reality, and a blow to her professionalism.

Overall Comments

While Stereo’s presence is quite divisive around the office—some have even gone so far as to note an “allergic” reaction to her presence—her strengths in cuteness and companionship continue to outweigh her weaknesses in communication and collaboration. With more individualized attention from management, I see Stereo going as far as the apartment will allow.