A Married Man’s Sexual Epiphany

Sexually frustrated men often claim that women hold the sex card. Life coach Steve Horsmon disagrees.

A friend excitedly told me today that he had an epiphany over the weekend…but he thought that was probably just her stage name. Sorry. That one has always cracked me up!

What’s an epiphany anyway? It’s a sudden realization. It’s a spontaneous understanding. It’s a BFO—A Blinding Flash of the Obvious!

Your transition from horny to happy is based in your transition from expecting things from your wife to expecting things from yourself.

So when a man has a sexual epiphany, he has finally pieced together the puzzle that reveals the truth about his path to passion—to more intimacy. The truth about his path to passion? I know. Sounds a little much, but bear with me for a minute.

♦◊♦

Since before we were born, we men have been aware of our emerging sexuality. Sonograms have proven that we become “in touch” with our pleasure points right from the start.

If you are like most men, and like me, a large part of your life has been spent thinking, wondering, and worrying about how those pleasure points will be satisfied. You likely imagined that the solution was ultimately in the control of others—specifically, women.

The sexual epiphany I am talking about is the point in a man’s life when thinking, wondering, and worrying changes into leading, romancing and enjoying. This epiphany does not just happen with age. It must be earned. It is simple but not easy. If it were easy, every guy would be doing it and would be happy with his sex life.

Your transition from horny to happy is based in your transition from expecting things from your wife to expecting things from yourself. This personal transformation is part of the journey which is full of surprises.

This change brings the brand new benefit of having more self-confidence, more self-respect, and more control over your emotions.

When you discover these feelings and learn how to consistently expect them of yourself, something else changes.I hear this from frustrated wives all the time.

Your sex appeal shoots through the roof! You achieve the status of “sexy man”. Your wife sees you in a new attractive light which is the only light that allows her to see you this way. In fact, many other women notice as well—wherever you are. You morph into that man other guys envy and women adore. And until now, you had no idea that it had everything to do with how you think about yourself.

What happened to you? You are no longer an unattractive, adolescent-minded guy whose emotional and physical satisfaction are controlled by others and what you can get from them. You have become a man who now knows his old sexual neediness came from a place of weakness. Your new strength is an aura of masculine confidence which allows you unapologetically to admit that you want passion but clearly don’t need it. Now this is attractive!

♦◊♦

A man with a sexual epiphany accepts his role as leader of the “romance department” and the “good feelings department”. He is patient, loving, and giving as he shapes the new environment that he wants to live in. These are the values he now holds as important, and she loves them.

His epiphany is crystal clear. His first priority is to create and maintain an emotionally safe, trusting, and loving environment for himself and his wife. His second priority is to invite her to join him in building the powerful emotional and physical connection they have both always wanted. All he needed was to finally get the order straight!

That’s right. She wants exactly what he wants. She just needs him to understand how she arrives there.

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on local television, blog radio, telesummits, and podcasts all related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men and women. He hosts private retreats and workshops designed to illicit that lump in the throat which inspires commitment and action in his clients. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites including his own blog. You can connect with him via Facebook too.

Comments

Exactly. When a man transitions from being a child / responder (to his parents) into a testosterone-based initiator of love, (even at times he thinks she might not deserve it), respect, cherish, caring, listening, working hard for the team, and other good character traits, his estrogen-based wife will respond in kind….and will be extremely sexually attracted to him.

She will respond so well, in time (after he earns it), she will initiate, and love him back, even at times she might think he doesn’t deserve it.

End result: Total mutuality, where the couple themselves can no longer tell who is initiating and who is responding, the back and forth flows so seamlessly (on net). Initiator / responder is only for male/female relationships, bonded by sex. Women initiate on their own just fine in the workplace, in academia, and as parents.

Children of both genders are responders. Male children have not gone through puberty yet to become fully-testosterone-based yet. Embedded is a difficulty: Only males must transform from responders to initiators. Females remain responders. Perspective: Those who are gifted much, have greater responsibilities. For the great giftie of the penis, larger stature, and stronger musculature (in addition to most of the earning power still today as evidenced by things like only 18 of the Fortune 500 firms have female CEOs), men have the responsibility to lead in love and cherish. Studies show that those who feel loved and supported are more productive, in every way.

Barrier to understanding and wholeness: The maturity it takes to endure the lag times while a husband is initiating. It takes more investment time than most men expect. That’s where coaching comes in – to help a man stay the course.

Examining the flip side: If the wife is required to initiate too much (on net), then she’s de facto in the mother role, and her husband is in the child role. Over time, who can maintain the hot hornies for their de facto son? No one. (Or very few.)

Then, because this axiom of initiator/responder is not known, her waning sexual attraction is blamed on her too. (Childish people blame shift instead of exploring how they may have contributed to a problem.)

She even blames herself, often. Double and triple whammy. Marriage breaks apart….because the real causes have not been pinpointed, therefore real solutions can not be employed.

The end result, total mutuality and teamwork with one’s life mate (and a hot, wonderful sex life…for life), is worth it…to those who believe in transcendent morality, which includes following through on promises (like wedding vows), especially when there’s children involved, watching and learning by example.

While it sounds sexy and attractive to not care and not want, I think that is not easy to do, especially in an exclusive relationship. I’m sure it would be easier to be indifferent about any woman, for a single guy who imagines other women are available, eventually.

I think what makes modern marriage harder than a few generations ago is that men used to believe there were two kinds of women————-those who lust & enjoy lust and the marrying kind.

Because almost every couple of this generation had romantic sex before marriage and in the early years of marriage, the modern husband knows his wife used to desire and enjoy him, but got over it.

Some good points. But there’s nothing on this site about Mixed Orientation Marriages, and that’s where I’m at. My wife came out to herself and me in May after 33 years of marriage. Honestly my first reaction was one of compassion for the immense suffering that has been hers, since when she was young, and first felt same sex attractions, that was unthinkable. Completely outside the realms of possibility. So she’s struggled with these feelings, endured several tormented friendships, and one very brief affair (sex but little love). I was and am shattered, but supportive. We’ve talked more than ever before. I think we were both in denial. A low-sex marriage has become a no-sex marriage. There’s no new close friend in sight for her, and she’s not looking, though I’ve told her that at least part of me wants her to know the joy of a totally giving sexual relationship. We are in therapy, together and separately.
I would like to believe that young people today are freer to explore their sexuality; that they are less likely to repress their true orientations; and so that they are less likely to find themselves in the uncomfortable place that we are in!
I’ve found VERY little help, support or advice for straight men married to lesbian wives trying to make a go of their marriage. My low sex-drive wife seems to have struggled against ‘wrong desires’ for so long that she’s succeeded in killing ALL desire. So I’m struggling with how to make love to a low/no desire lesbian wife. Or do we have to part, or only stay together with opening up our marriage to other partners (on one side or both)?
We are both in a process of mourning. She is mourning the lesbian love that she never had (and never plans to have), and I’m mourning the loving exchange of desire that is the normal part of most marriages.

Brassyhub, my heart goes out to you. But I don’t think there’s much hope of you ever having the marriage you (currently) want. I’m the child of a mixed-orientation marriage (father bi/gay, mother straight with low sex drive), and my parents absolutely loved each other and were both devoted to making the marriage work. My mother even consented to my father having extramarital affairs with men, although she grudged it. You know what? It didn’t really work. She wanted ultimately a husband who really desired HER and who didn’t need to live a double life. He wanted a wife and kids, but also exciting sex with the people he really desired, and he resented her sadness. I see that you’re not in precisely the same situation, but I’ve rarely seen a mixed-orientation marriage work (no matter how much they love each other), and the only time I’ve seen it happen, both spouses were more oriented towards polyamory than monogamy. Best of luck to you and to your wife.

Husbands will always remember what their wife was like before (and just after) they married her.
Women will often forget being attracted to their husbands, and only find the next guy attractive.
It is cruel evolutionary trick, to mix genes.

I find this article as contradictory as it is one-sided. First, just as a man grows up when he identifies that his expectations of having to be served sex by his wife are childish, so too does a woman grow up when she stops ignoring a man’s need to experience intimacy as a physical reciprocation of touch and affection. There are two cups in a relationship, and rarely to you find one party is the culprit for not putting something worthwhile in them. Second, safety in a relationship is a shared responsibility, but if a man is shamed by his partner whenever he expresses lust, then this undetermined his emotionally safety too. Often men are treated in relationships as emotionally stunted, and as a result, men find they can’t win any which way. The idea that women have it all figured out and are just waiting for men to grow up is itself a form of man-hating, just as much as men expecting sex to be served just because ‘he wants it’ I’d a form of woman-hating.

Am I missing something? All I’m getting are abstractions or vague suggestions for attitudinal changes.

“Your transition from horny to happy is based in your transition from expecting things from your wife to expecting things from yourself.” OK, what are they–those things you start expecting from yourself?

“You likely imagined that the solution was ultimately in the control of others—specifically, women.” This seems to be a clue: Stop seeing women as the solution to your sexual satisfaction. OK, then what IS the solution?

“The sexual epiphany I am talking about is the point in a man’s life when thinking, wondering, and worrying changes into leading, romancing and enjoying.” Cool! And, um, what would that look like?

“This change brings the brand new benefit of having more self-confidence, more self-respect, and more control over your emotions.” Yay! Again….how?

“When you discover these feelings and learn how to consistently expect them of yourself, something else changes. I hear this from frustrated wives all the time.” So I wonder how we guys are to “discover” these feelings?

“What happened to you?” Dang! I wish I knew!

“You are no longer an unattractive, adolescent-minded guy whose emotional and physical satisfaction are controlled by others and what you can get from them. You have become a man who now knows his old sexual neediness came from a place of weakness. Your new strength is an aura of masculine confidence which allows you unapologetically to admit that you want passion but clearly don’t need it. Now this is attractive!” OK, the results sound fantastic. But WHAT are they the results OF?

OK, now maybe we’re getting to the point?
“A man with a sexual epiphany accepts his role as leader of the ‘romance department’ and the ‘good feelings department’. He is patient, loving, and giving as he shapes the new environment that he wants to live in. These are the values he now holds as important, and she loves them.” OK, so if I’m understanding this, he should now be “patient, loving, and giving” and stop expecting sex. Hmm. Really? And maybe his wife should see herself as leader in the “sex department” and the “hot feelings” department. I don’t know. It just sounds suspiciously saintly and simplistic. And there’s more.

“His first priority is to create and maintain an emotionally safe, trusting, and loving environment for himself and his wife.” By doing WHAT again? Oh yeah, be “patient, loving, and giving” and stop expecting sex.

His second priority is to invite her to join him in building the powerful emotional and physical connection they have both always wanted. All he needed was to finally get the order straight!

There actually seems to be a germ of real power and wisdom here, but for me it never sprouted. Can somebody explain?

Trackbacks

[…] This piece from Good Men Project really piqued my attention, so I figured I’d share and see if you felt the same way. The idea is that, while a lot of relationships end up lacking in sexual passion, it’s not exclusively the fault of the person who is seen as holding back or withholding sex. […]

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