Monday, 30 March 2015

The past few weeks have been difficult. Health issues have been plaguing me and I always feel as if the world is wrong during the winter.

I have not really said much about myself on this blog for a long time. Not because I had something to hide or nothing to say, I just felt that I was less important than my subject matter. I have used my story in order to bring reality to the pain of abuse, to show that healing is more than possible, to try and encourage others to speak out.

I have also shared music, song and inspiration from other writers. I ripped myself open so that you could see what was inside, I exposed my pscyche but kept some doors shut. Some will open over time others will remain for my viewing only. Such is the nature of needing some privacy.

I realised this week that I have been unkind to myself. I have not been allowing myself to truly live and experience the joys and treasures that life holds. I doubted my worthiness for a long time. I have "real life" problems to work through, health issues to put right and big decisions to make.

Being bluntly honest with myself I realised that I have never lived for me. I was the boy for all tastes that became a man for all seasons. I lived in such a way that I thought was expected of me and frequently demanded of me.

Enough! This is my life and I intend to make some major changes and life decisions.

I have forgotten to apply the advice that I give to others, to my own situation.

My confidence shattered when I lost my businesses, other events kicked me in the stomach. I became a recluse, hiding from the light of life.

My own needs became at best secondary to those of others. The saying springs to mind - "I'm as good as you, as bad as I am" or something similar.

This blog is becoming a ramble, but it comes from the heart. Mine is a bit of a mess so it's no wonder really. I am far from perfect. I am like an old battered suitcase. I have character though and am not the evil fiend that some have painted me for revealing my past. I need to work on my self confidence, on my shyness and on my fear of the unknown.

Unless I take a risk I will never know. So take a risk I shall. I have to do it on my own terms and at my own pace.

I am still working on the book that I am co-authoring with a survivor/therapist from Canada. We hope to break boundaries in the field of self help for child abuse survivors. On Facebook I am running a peer to peer support group for sexual violence survivors. It is going well
and I have help from three amazing admins.

Everything else I thought I was working towards has been cast onto the rubbish heap of life.

Change is most certainly coming. It excites as much as it terrifies me.

I feel as if abuse has followed me my entire life. Maybe I thought that I was only good enough for abusive situations.

No more.

Thank you for reading.

Like a wave of stinging beesa vast maw spews forthits delivery of denigration,staccato sticks and stoneshurled with venomous vigorin machine gun frenzythe leaden poison bulletshitting the heart hardjerking the soul stringswearing thin with insult,acidity dripping and dissolvingcorroding their committmentpolarisation pulsing into viewbuilding walls ever highercemented by hatred surely it is not meant?where is the committment, the shining example?replaced by petty point-scoringand manifestations malignantboiling in intensity fermentedshowering ears with barbed commenteyes roll and look for deliveranceever stalled like praisea poised viper waitingto spring with pent-upbitterness an addicition alwayseveryone else wrong, alwaysan excuse for adrenaline fixof abuse, a tirade of blameheaped like so much shiton their shoulders, broadenedby years of this manic sequethe mind of a seeming madmanbeing called forthly all too oftenchannelling its primal negativitypounding, pounding, demandingsubmission the only solutionthat is unless you leaveI am glad I am leaving

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Denial of Vulnerability

Difficulty recognizing that what happened was sexual abuse. High need for
control in interactions with others. May appear stubborn and rigid for control
in interactions with others and frequently engage in power struggles, or seem
passive, codependent and conforming. Both are protection from feelings of
vulnerability.

Confusion Regarding Sexual Orientation

Orientation is exhibited in many ways. Some men claim heterosexuality but are
sexual with other men. Some homosexual men question their orientation and wonder
how they might be different had they not been abused. Other men may not engage
in any sexual behaviors with males or females and are unable to determine their
sexual orientation.

Confusion of Emotional Needs With Sex

Needs for nurturance may be identified as sexual. Many needs may have been
met through the sexual abuse and sex continues to be viewed as the only way to
be cared for. Real relationships with other men and women are often seen as
threatening and sexual behavior may actually be one of the few ways to relate
superficially and still have some needs met. Societal norms encourage men to
equate sexual prowess with personal value and discourage direct expression of
emotional needs. Some men become "Don Juans" or give the impression they are
"superstuds" as a way of proving to themselves and the world that they are not
gay or weak because of their victimization histories.

Gender Shame

Confusion and anxiety regarding masculine identity. Extremely uncomfortable
around other men. Does not like to be touched by men and often avoids situations
where he may be seen unclothed. Because he does not feel part of the group, he
is often isolated with few male friends. Shame is especially powerful regarding
feelings about masculinity. "Real men" don't get abused, they can protect
themselves. Internalized male models are shaming or nonexistent. May exhibit
more feminine characteristics as an attempt to separate from negative masculine
image or to avoid identifying with the male abuser.

Multiple Compulsive Behaviors

Sex, food, chemicals and work are examples of common compulsive behaviors
used to satisfy an internal drive to continually push oneself to avoid feeling
pain and to meet dependency needs but is not productive or helpful.

Physical and Emotional Symptoms

Hypertension and frequent chest pains. Recurring dreams or nightmares of
being chased or attacked, choked or stabbed. Difficulty urinating in public
restrooms. Depression and anxiety.

Pattern of Victimizing Self or Others

Most victims do not become offenders. Many dysfunctional behaviors may be
seen as an attempt to feel more powerful, punish oneself or numb the unwanted
feelings connected with the abuse. This may involve passive-aggressive behaviors
or subtle put-downs. Some men, act out by exposing, obscene phone calling or
voyeuristic activities. Anger toward self can involve suicide attempts or
putting oneself in a high risk situations which could lead to injury or death
without actually attempting suicide. Victim may react to a current situation as
if it were similar to the childhood abuse experience. Victim feels powerless and
cannot see the current situation for what it is. Coping mechanisms mimic
survival means used during childhood. May actually become involved in abusive
relationships as an adult that are in many ways similar to the childhood sexual
abuse experience.

Boundary Transparency

Unrealistic fear that others can see their failures and vulnerability. They
fear they can do nothing to protect themselves. This inability to protect self
and feeling unsafe can result in difficulty establishing even minimal trust.
Other reactions include anxiety, rage and withdrawal. May have a history of
boundary intrusions other than sexual abuse, especially physical and emotional
abuse.

Chaotic Relationships

Many difficulties around intimacy, autonomy (self-sufficiency) and commitment
to a relationship. Extreme and intense swings in needs for closeness and
distance with others. The need to be cared for and have dependency needs met is
in conflict with fear of vulnerability and re-victimization. This behavior
repeats the victim-perpetrator experience with the partner when that person
alternately becomes a perpetrator and a protector.

Poorly Defined Sense of Self

Self protection has resulted in submersion of self with little internal locus
of control. Behaviors are similar to codependency. Importance placed on attempts
to avoid feelings of confusion and vulnerability.

What are body memories?
Your body, believe it or not, remembers everything. Sounds, smells, touches, tastes. But the memory is not held in your mind, locked somewhere in the recesses of your brain. Instead, it’s held in your body, all the way down at the cellular level. Ever notice how, on a stage full of professional dancers, everyone still moves in their own way? That’s because our cells store memories – information – about our experiences, habits, sensations, everything. We are all unique and it’s in our bodies – our skin, muscles, tendons, nerves – which we actively participate through our day to day experiences; good ones and bad.

Sometimes, the memories that our body stores are not always memories that we consciously, as the survivor, remember. You may have been too young to remember. You may have blacked out. For whatever reason, you don’t know what your body knows. As Renee Fredrickson, Ph.D. says in A Journey to Recovery from Sexual Abuse, “The traumatic and the trivial are the two kinds of information your mind represses.”

Yet, your body remembers.

Your body may tense up, protecting you. “I don’t like that,” it says. “I remember that touch, sound, smell…and I don’t want it.” However, for a survivor of sexual abuse that has overcome and healed from the abuse, you may think you’ve done all the work to be done. You’ve healed. You’ve moved on.

Yet, your body remembers.

Respect that. Respect that memory, no matter what form it comes in. The trauma wasn’t just emotional. It was experienced on a cellular level. Respect that. There’s stored memories there. Don’t turn your back on it thinking it’s crazy. Nuts. Healing comes from accepting and being, open, honest. Transparent. There’s a hurt and you need to acknowledge it. Only then, can the healing begin.Body memories are involuntary.
Body memories can take a long time to heal, most likely because they are the last memories to be addressed. To be respected. To be listened to. I mean, really. My body remembers, at a cellular level? What is this, the Science Fiction channel? ”When the body remembers the traumatic incident at a different time from when the mind remembers the incident, it can feel very crazy making,” says Discussing Dissociation’sKathy Broady, LCSW.

Remember, memories, flashbacks, in all their forms, are our body’s way of getting our attention. If we don’t accept, honor, and deal with them, no matter how crazy they may seem or feel, they will return again and again. Why? Because you need to heal. Your body lived through the same experience. If you are dealing with body memories, your body is telling you, “It’s time we heal this. Together.”

Healing Body Memories.
Think about it this way. Your body and you, although one in the same, are two separate beings with two separate set of memories. Some intertwine, some are exactly the same. After all, you’re you! Yet, there are some areas of grey. Some aspects of your life’s experiences that your body remembers and your mind was too young to understand it, strong emotions deny it or your mind didn’t consciously experience it at all.

Therefore, you’ll have to approach this from an ‘outsider’ perspective – speak to yourself as someone somewhat separate from yourself. Like you, as a counselor or a friend, speaking to you, your body. “Okay, body,” you might say. “We need to talk.”

And you can do this anywhere, of course. You don’t have to be all zenned out, seated on a mountain top with upturned palms. Although, if that works for you, go for it. Wherever you find peace, peace that you can feel within you, that’s where you can open this conversation. You might be out hiking, inside reading a book on the couch, laying out on a beach under the sun. Wherever you find your cool, peaceful, quietness, this is where you can speak to yourself – your body.

Start by reminding yourself – your body – about the most important fact: “We survived. It’s over. It won’t happen again.” You can do this all in your head or you can say it out loud. Either way, the message will be sent. Just visualize who/what you are speaking to. Your body.

After you feel the message of, “we’ve already survived,” being accepted, tell your body, “We want to thrive now. We are in control. We want to live now, free of this trauma.” Keep sending this message to your body, all the while reaffirm that you – all of you – is okay. Only in safety, can we feel free to move on.

Now, what about when you’re actually having a body memory moment? Well, ask yourself this, are you ready to accept it? Honor it? Deal with it? If so, do this visualization-conversation with your body while you are having a body memory.

Note: You’ll have to be more forceful, yet still compassionate, to get your message through. Your body is having a flashback, living through a memory, whatever that may be. It doesn’t consciously know it’s over. That’s where you come in.

You need to talk it through the flashback – the body memory. Tell your body it’s okay. “You’re okay.” Say it out loud. “You’ve already survived this. It’s over. We are in control now. We survived.” Be stern, yet understanding. “We are going to make it. We are going to thrive!”
Be confident. Be positive. Be understanding.

This is you you’re talking to, remember!!

So, go for it. Heal yourself. All of you. Open the conversation, the willingness to accept that, yes, your body knows something. And it needs to heal.

Thursday, 19 March 2015

INDEPENDENT SEXUAL VIOLENCE ADVISORS (ISVAS)

Independent Sexual Violence Advisors (ISVAs)

Many specialist support agencies (including a considerable number of TST member agencies) offer an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) service to victims of rape and sexual assault. The Independent Sexual Violence Advisor role was commissioned by Baroness Stern through the Home Office Violent Crime Unit in 2005.

An Independent Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) is trained to look after your needs, and to ensure that you receive care and understanding. They will help you understand how the criminal justice process works, and will explain things to you, such as what will happen if you report to the police, and the importance of forensic DNA retrieval.

An ISVA is there to provide you with information only, and you are not expected to report any offence to the police.

AREA: NOTTINGHAMSHIRE

AREA: SHROPSHIRE AND TELFORD

Contact Name: ISVA based at Axis Counselling, ShrewsburyTelephone: 01743 243007Email: isva@axiscounselling.org.ukArea covered: Shropshire Client Group: Women, men and children aged from 11 years who have experienced sexual violence/abuse either recently or in the pastWebsite: www.axiscounselling.org.uk

***

Contact Name: ISVA based at Axis Counselling, TelfordTelephone: 01952 586790Email: isva@axiscounselling.org.ukArea Covered: Telford and WrekinClient Group: Women, men and young people aged 11 upwards who have experienced sexual violence/abuse either recently or in the pastWebsite: www.axiscounselling.org.uk

AREA: WEST MIDLANDS – COVENTRY

Contact Name: Dawn Thompson, ISVA based at Coventry RASACTelephone: 02476 277772Email: isva@crasac.org.ukArea Covered: Coventry and some surrounding areas, depending on circumstancesClient Group: Women, men and children over the age of 11 years.

***

Contact Name: Lucy Hayton, ISVA based at Coventry RASACTelephone: 02476 277772Email: isva@crasac.org.ukArea Covered: Coventry and some surrounding areas, depending on circumstancesClient Group: Women, men and children over the age of 11 years.

***

Contact Name: Dawn Gilder, ISVA based at Coventry RASACTelephone: 02476 277772Email: isva@crasac.org.ukArea Covered: Coventry and some surrounding areas, depending on circumstancesClient Group: Women, men and children over the age of 11 years.

***

Contact Name: Janine Webb, ISVA based at Coventry RASACTelephone: 02476 277772Email: isva@crasac.org.ukArea Covered: Coventry and some surrounding areas, depending on circumstancesClient Group: Women, men and children over the age of 11 years.

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Contact Name: Kirsty Davenport, ISVA based at Coventry RASACTelephone: 02476 277772Email: isva@crasac.org.ukArea Covered: Coventry and some surrounding areas, depending on circumstancesClient Group: Women, men and children over the age of 11 years.

AREA: WEST MIDLANDS – WALSALL

Contact Name: Laura Pearce, ISVA based at Crisis Point, WalsallTelephone:01922 476153 Ext 6014Email: pearcel@crisispoint.org.ukArea Covered: Walsall, Wolverhampton and part of StaffordshireClient Group: Women, men and children from the age of 5Website: www.crisispoint.org.uk

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Contact Name: Margaret Cresswell, ISVA based at Crisis Point, WalsallTelephone:01922 476153 Ext 6014Email: cresswellm@crisispoint.org.ukArea Covered: Walsall, Wolverhampton and part of StaffordshireClient Group: Women, men and children from the age of 5Website: www.crisispoint.org.uk

AREA: WORCESTERSHIRE

Contact Name: ISVA service based at WMRSASCTelephone: 01905 611655Email: isva@wmrsasc.org.ukArea Covered: Herefordshire and WorcestershireWebsite: www.wmrsasc.org.ukClient Group: Women, Men and children over the age of 11 who have experienced recent or historical rape or any type of sexual violence.

***

Contact Name: ISVA service based at WMRSASCTelephone: 01905 611655Email:isva@wmrsasc.org.ukArea Covered: Herefordshire, Worcestershire and TelfordWebsite: www.wmrsasc.org.ukClient Group: Women over the age of 16 who have experienced recent or historical rape or any type of sexual violence.

***

Contact Name: ISVA service based at WMRSASCTelephone: 01905 611655Email: isva@wmrsasc.org.ukArea Covered: Herefordshire, Worcestershire and TelfordWebsite: www.wmrsasc.org.ukClient Group: Women over the age of 16 who have experienced recent or historical rape or any type of sexual violence.

***

Contact Name: Judith Vickress, ISVA based at HRSASC, HerefordTelephone: 01432 266551Email: isva.wrsasc@btconnect.comArea Covered: HerefordshireWebsite: www.hrsasc.org.ukClient Group: Women over the age of 16 who have experienced recent or historical rape or any type of sexual violence.