where do I belong?

My wife was a member of this room. She left recently. Recently there have been several tragedies in our life. My wife and our therapist suggested I try DS for support, since my wife had found a sense of community and help here. My wife told me to go to the Out of the Fog room since I was the one who screwed up our marriage with my affairs. I am finding myself lashing out against the OW's in that room. I have no right to do this but I have a deep seated anger against myself and anyone who cheats. I guess that makes me a prick like my name on here. My wife did not like the Infidelity room but she did like this room, I don't know which room to go in.

After my revealing the affairs my wife was diagnosed with PTSD. I have such remorse and regret. I was jerk. I used the excuse of a mid-life crisis to mess up my life and my marriage. I was so blind. I needed to go see a shrink, instead I had two affairs.

Perhaps your wife did you a favor by leaving you. I know this sounds like an odd thing to hear but it sounds like you are no longer the same person you were when you had the affair (and perhaps even predating the affair). Perhaps she was unable to see the new man you have become and was unable to let the past go. Everyone is different, so I cannot speak for her, but I am a wife who is trying to work it out with my husband and I often feel as if I am hurting him more by the way I keep seeing who he used to be, rather than who he is today. It is really hard for him to move forward when I keep looking in the past. You do not need to look at your past for anything except a lesson to learn from. Being by yourself right now can help you analize what you do in relationships. There are many self help books out there which focus on looking into your way of thinking and how you contribute to your own mysery. This could be a good way of focusing on your own life and rebuilding what you see as you, today.

I think you belong here. A lot of us still have anger, that&#039;s part of the healing process. You, knowing you did wrong, could really benefit from what other betrayed spouses have to say, if you want to help your marriage. We have a lot of stories to tell here. Check out some of our profiles. At some point, you will have to let go of that guilt, but you can never forget, like us with forgiveness. It keeps us on the right path without the self destructive feelings that go with it.

Rick...few things...if you and your wife are slowly working towards rebuilding and repairing and renewing your relationship, this is the place for support etc. Question: Are you seeing your own therapist for help for your own issues/inner work? If not, it might be well worth the venture to do so...my H is doing so and it&#039;s making a HUGE difference within himself to understand his actions, heal from them, our relationship is better than ever (with bumps along the way) due to his own work along with my own work with my personal therapist I see privately. He is able to now let go of the guilt, it has it&#039;s purpose, he is forgiving himself, me (for my imperfections), he is letting go of past resentments within our relationship etc. We also have a marriage counselor and we now see her once a month.

Have either of you read or heard of &quot;After the Affair&quot;, by Janis Springs? Both his and our therapist highly recommended it for us to read together. And we opted to take sections or a chapter at a time read it on our own, mark or sticky note key parts that spoke to us and then come together and dialogue about those parts. Many difficult talks, yet they were also very intimate, honest, and authentic. Long over due. Many tears, some laughter, a lot of listening to each other, a lot of holding each other and anger expressed too. My H read the last chapter before he chose to tell me his truth/actions (this chapter gives the pros and cons of telling or not) as well as the first chapter, that I believe went into if you do tell, what will likely be the response from the betrayed person. And I too reacted how the book stated I potentially would and also am suffering/dealing with PTSD...of which brings me to my next question:

Is your wife getting help for that? And with a private therapist? Medications will only band-aid the symptoms for awhile (and I have used lorazepam with great success for the intense anxiety I have had). I was at first seeing our marriage counselor alone as well as us together and after the initial shock wore off, I felt two things: conflict of interest for the therapist, and I knew somehow I wasn&#039;t going to heal completely unless I found something more dynamic as I have done talk therapy in my past and only get &#039;so far&#039; with issues...and that is where I came upon a certified consultant and therapist who does EMDR and Brainspotting to help me heal from the PTSD stuff. It also is venturing into past traumas so to speak and this is painful to deal with, yet these past traumas along with the current one, must be let out of my &#039;system&#039; in order to fully heal. I suspect your wife may have some past issues be it trauma or not, that will need to be revisited to learn more about herself and grow, and heal? The website I believe is www.emdria.org

Know that I do not claim that these are the &#039;answers&#039; to what you need, just some things that we are doing and as I just told my H last night, we would not have made it and be in the current relationship we have today if he chose not to do his part and get help and vice versa...it&#039;s a two way street...please let your wife know that I do not mean that I contributed to why he chose to have affairs, but that my &#039;x&#039; issues, made it difficult for he and I to be truly intimate, open, loving, giving, caring, etc. His shit is his shit and he has to learn from it. I am actually grateful he is growing into the person he is now. I am grateful I am changing as well. Wow, I never thought I could say I am grateful...but that is where I can express gratitude in all this craziness. Two days ago though I felt differently...then I went to an EMDR session and it worked through more of the &#039;triggers&#039; I still have and I feel better.

Rick,you have come to the right place! You have had several devastating blows on top of everything else. You are serious about your recovery and your heart is in your marriage. That&#039;s exactly what we are all here for! Recovering and Rebuilding our marriages...WELCOME!

what&#039;s up prick (love it...that makes me laugh)...you are totally welcome here and we promise to be gentle...lol. Actually, you can use more than one room to help you when you need it. My husband is also a member and you may find it helpful to contact him as well...he&#039;s really doing a great job at helping me find the strength to rebuild after his affair. His id is tweedsiesman he and I both find this site and the infidelity site helpful...it is ok to get angry that&#039;s part of the process...so relax.

Hi PR, I think this is the correct site for you at this time. We are all working at healing and trying to understand the how&#039;s and why&#039;s of affairs so for me I actually want people from the other side to get their perspective too. Hope your wife gets better real soon for both your sakes. Take care.... Sharon

I understand where you are coming from. I too have felt like I don&#039;t belong in other discussion sites, however the support that I have gotten from this website has been increadible. Everyone is here to help. My wife is getting A LOT of help here and I think it will help save our marraige.

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