Alice in Chains' follow-up to 1995's Alice in Chains LP is legally available today.

Alice in Chains*, rather. Like The Misfits*.

Cantrell was/is the band's main composer, yes, but Layne was the face of the band.

I proffer "Rainier Beach Grunge Allstars."

In Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman lists 23 questions he asks everybody he meets in order to decide if he can really love them.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hearfor the rest of your lifesound as if it's being performed by Alice in Chains.

When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains.

If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains.

If you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

I've never broken a collarbone, but triennial clavicle fracturing doesn't seem severe enough to justify swallowing the pill for any band. Moreover, if the soul mate truly was your soul mate, he or she would understand.

The Ford family couldn't have splurged on confetti or let fans rush the field? No "I'm going to Cedar Point"?

For the Saturday Night Football telecast on Halloween, Brent Musberger should dress up as Burgess Meredith (as The Penguin), Kirk Herbstreit as Frank Gorshin (as The Riddler), and Lisa Salters as Eartha Kitt (as Catwoman).

Nutrisystem is like Scientology for football personalities.

When Chevy's employees brought the ruckus to a banquet table, I overheard a man ask his wife, "Is that a wedding?"

"Yes, that's a wedding reception at a chain restaurant," I thought.

Idea: Next-Mex. Self-heating fajitas, non-spoiling guacamole…

Idea: Srirachos. A spin on chilaquiles rojos.

We were taught to shit by hugging a sturdy tree, then squatting down and shitting away from you.

My friend is so frantic and so desperate to void his bowels that he grabs the first decent looking tree and drops his pants and goes to work.

The tree he is holding onto with all its might, snap[s] and break[s] and my poor friend falls ass backwards into his own nasty diarrhea.

He immediately gets up screaming and trying to brush himself off when he looks down and sees that the diarrhea he just had came out a weird green color and this causes him to start throwing up in his own pile of green shit while he is also still covered in his own green diarrhea. [source]

Has this been dramatized in a film yet? If not, is it too late to re-shoot scenes for Couples Retreat?

Onion Article Idea: Entire staff takes buyouts at homeless newspaper.

In Sunday's episode of Mad Men, Sterling Cooper excitedly lands the Hilton account. Meanwhile, an ad for ExtenZe aired during a commercial break.

Griffin: I got the crap beat out of me 57 times in elementary school for having a crush on Al Gore. I don't agree with his politics, but that smile, I don't know. So my dad put me in the ring, made me take boxing. We paid for people to beat the crap out of me. [source]

This past summer, The Secret Life of the American Teenager introduced an openly gay high school freshman whose two older brothers are also gay.

[eyeroll]

I tuned in for Sunday's season premiere of The Amazing Race, however, and…

» Across the street from my hotel is a Christian mission beside a gay strip club.

To reduce the volume of plastic bags and encourage the use of reusable bags/bins, retailers in the City of Toronto will be required to charge a minimum of 5 cents per plastic bag requested by the customer at checkout, as of June 1, 2009. [source]

» Five cents is an ineffective surcharge. Ban or die!

The "eco bags" I saw people carrying are the same shitty bags you get at trade shows.

» I saw this ad in a 12-page Globe and Mail report on private schools:

» I read about Diana Thorneycroft's "Group of Seven Awkward Moments" art exhibit  photographs of dioramas set against landscape paintings by the Group of Seven.

"Nickel Belt Trailer Park"

Thorneycroft previously crafted "The Canadian Martyrdom Series."

"Martyrdom of the Great One"

» Battle of the Blades is a Canadian spin on Dancing with the Stars that pairs former National Hockey League players with figure skaters.

» Favourite George: Stroumboulopoulos, Stephanopoulos or Papadapolis?

George Snuffleupagus. Ha! I kill me.

» AMC and Bravo are available in Canada, but Mad Men is only viewable (legally) via iTunes, and Top Chef airs on Food Network. International television distribution rights hurt my head.

"How long have you been working there?"
"Two years and four months."
"And you've never asked for a raise?"
"Am I supposed to? I thought…"
"Do you receive any benefits?"
"No. Well, paid vacation. It's a small company."

"Ask for a raise."
"Yes, mother."

"You want a raise? In this economy?"
"You just hired two more employees."
"Right, and they're not earning that much more than you."
"Their starting salaries are higher than mine?"
"Sid has more experience than you and two master's degrees. Russ majored in engineering and holds several technical certifications. You? Anyone can do your job!"

"Listen, Jon, you're my guy. If you want to do that stuff, I'll use you over anyone else."

[pause]

"Well, I can't say 'yes' now, can I?"

he thinks i'm complacenthe's a businessman. you've got to show your boss that you're willing to do more difficult work and be motivated about it, proactive, even if it feels incredibly clichehe's not incorrect though
i'm not keen on composing press releases or talking to vendors

can you master in engineering without majoring in it?probably not
i know that you can't get a masters in finance without having a business major
so i'd assume engineering is the same way, and i mean there is a whole 4 year process of learning engineering concepts and reading diagrams and stuff
that you've missedoh the humanities…

quit and get a cool internship
and then hopefully work from therethe 40-year-old intern
unpaid intern
i just became the mayor of pathetic on @foursquare