Lost in Suburbia: Tracy and the Chocolate Factory

“What’s with all this candy?” asked my husband, eyeballing a large stack of candy bags on the table.

“It’s for Halloween,” I replied nonchalantly.

“But Halloween isn’t for two more weeks,” he protested.

“I know,” I said. “But I had to get it now because of the Candy Apocalypse.”

“Candy Apocalypse?” he wondered. “I’m not sure I want to ask.”

“Well,” I said. “Rumor has it there’s going to be a shortage of candy this year so everyone is stocking up on chocolate early. I didn’t want to get to the store too late and discover all the candy was sold out and then have angry trick-or-treaters egg our house and toilet paper our trees because all we have left are boxes of raisins.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think that would happen. You remember we live on a cul-de-sac and we only get about 10 trick-or-treaters each year.”

“You never know,” I said. “Remember a few years ago we ran out of candy and they T.P.’d the dog.”

I shrugged. What I didn’t tell my husband was that I wasn’t really worried about having enough candy for the trick-or-treaters. I was worried about having enough candy for me. The candy stash had to last me through Valentine’s Day and any possible chocolate emergency that might arise between now and then, including, but not limited to, a candy apocalypse.

In the past I’ve been conservative in my candy purchases and then had to resort to other means to meet my chocolate needs. Yes, I’m the mom who ate all her kids Halloween candy while they were sleeping and blamed it on candy fairies.

“They’re helping out the tooth fairy so you don’t get cavities,” I lied, like any self-respecting, candy-thieving mother would do. Ten pounds later though the evidence would show up on my thighs and we’d all know who the real candy bandit was.

Sadly, my kids eventually moved out of their trick-or-treating years, and then I was forced to over-buy candy for the local kids who came to our house. In the past we’d usually had enough leftover candy to keep me happy, but last year there was an unexpected surge of trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood and we came dangerously close to running out of candy. Fortunately, I anticipated the crisis before it happened and turned off all the lights in the house to make it look like we weren’t home before the candy ran out.