“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson.

“Our studies have shown that over 84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing Crocs and socks,” said an advisor at the student life department.

With the conclusion of the summer of 2017, one thing remains crystal clear: The Art/Music Hum joint program in Paris has turned into a drawn-out mishmash of pastry-driven sexual chaos.

The program, offers undergraduates the opportunity to live in one of the most vibrant cities on earth, to take a deeper and more rigorous look at Columbia’s Core, and to essentially fuck every day away. This unforeseen side effect of putting nearly three dozen sexually curious college undergrads in the City of Lights has baffled administrators of the program since the end of its first summer.

“The administration is looking into the causes of this overwhelming sexual activity,” said Linda Elfman, Summer Program representative. “We encourage the students to experience the culture of the city, but this has gone beyond the romance for which Paris is known.”

For many former the students, the program was little more than an erotic blur. “I honestly only remember four days of those six weeks when I did it,” said Jordan Chan, CC’ 18. “The day I got there, some day in the first week, One day where I guess I was on a beach or something, and the day I left. What I do remember clearly though, was dropping bank at my local bakery for croissants.”

Baked goods were a recurring theme for former students. “Croissants were a way of life for us out there, man,” said Alexa Mann, CC’ 20. “The sexual stamina you get from a single croissant is the only way to keep up when you’re that sexually active. We had a whole system for who would take break from the sweat heap to go get croissants. They would come back with the pastries and fling them into the ravenous crowd like Caesar bestowing his blessing on the masses”

According to Linda Elfman, the administration is working to find a way to slow down the relentless fuck fest that the program has seemingly turned into in recent years. “RAs and resident families of the program are being trained to search students’ rooms for croissants,” said Elfman. “We believe if we can cut the problem off at the head, we can get these kids to learn something other than how to get a rash and gain 20 pastry pounds during their time in such a wonderful city.”

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”

Kushner can expect a deepening voice, hair growth under his armpits and around his groin, and new feelings of sexual arousal, according to Ben Carson, who was not questioned on the topic but felt compelled to share his knowledge.

While undergrads are provided with all of the resources necessary for safe sex (twin beds, unlubricated condoms, inconsistent erections) high school students are offered all of these resources, in addition to sexually suggestive lanyards.