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In which we watch porcu-porn

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Back when I was younger the only way to communicate with my parents was by phone or by letter. I hate writing letters and my handwriting is illegible so I mostly communicated by phone. In college, this meant weekly phone calls and when I moved to New York, I talked to my mom more often than that.

Keely is in Washington, DC and she likes to text. Now, I hate texting because I’m pretty slow at it but I can put up with it occasionally. She also calls me in snippets. What I mean by that is that she calls if she’s walking somewhere during her workday or is on her break. I actually haven’t talked to her much this summer and it’s weird.

Andie, however, tends to text me and tells me to get on Facebook Chat. We have long conversations and occasionally we talk about real stuff but mostly, not. Andie also has extensive knowledge of miscellaneous facts. So we’ll be chatting and she’ll just put some random fact out there like “did you know that a female peacock is a peahen?”

Now, of course I didn’t know that but she just throws those things in randomly. One day last month, while on Facebook chat, I decided I would Google some facts of my own and that’s how this conversation entitled “in which porcupines masturbate” came up.

Now you have the background story and lets get down to business. So yesterday, we were floating in the pool when the following conversation took place:

Me: So Andie. Do you Google all those random facts or do you just know them?

Andie: I just know them. They’re just facts I’ve picked up along the way.

(Note to reader: WTF? How do you pick this sort of shit up “along the way?”)

Me: Oh, I had to Google my facts

Andie: Like what?

Me: Like in that post, “in which porcupines masturbate”

Andie: Oh yeah, wasn’t it some crazy number of times a day

Me: I think 50 or so

Andie: How do you think porcupines have sex?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Andie: I mean, you would think it’d have to be face to face because it would hurt otherwise

Me: I think most animals have sex doggie style although I doubt they call it that

Andie: I need to Google it

Me: you do that

Andie: I bet YouTube will have a video

Me: a video?

Andie: yeah, a video of porcupines having sex

Me: so you want to watch a porcupine porn video

Andie: PORCUPORN

Me: (and then we all crack up) I’m not sure I really need to see any porcuporn.

So, Andie gets out of the water and searches on my phone and she finds a link. Sadly, no video, but a link entitled. “How do porcupines make love?” by Wendy Coope, Australian National University

Andie: Mom, I put a link on your Facebook wall

Me: Thanks Andie, I REALLY appreciate that

So later, after we had watched Independence Day, I saw that somebody had actually read the article and said it was hilarious so I decided to read it. Here’s what I learned about PORCUPORN! You can read the article in full on the link above but I’m just going to paraphrase it, as this is PRICELESS!

How do porcupines make love?

You would think very carefully but the answer is more improbable and bizarre than that. While the author was browsing in the basement of the library one day, she came across two papers while explained IN GREAT DETAIL the details of the porcupine’s sex life.

As mating season approaches, the female porcupine rubs her genitals on structures such as food and water dishes, sticks, and the wire cages. As the season progressed, she became much more aggressive in seeking frequent tactile stimulation becoming more nervous and excited and putting more “vim, vigor and action” into her activities. (SORRY BUT HAHAHAHA). She would even “seize, straddle, and ride sticks around the cage “walking erect and stimulating her genitalia with a stick.” This period of excitement was followed by a period when the female went off her food, remained close to the male and “moped.”

(OMG… she’s moping! She just totally wanted to get laid!!!)

Meanwhile, when the male was placed in the cage with the female, he toured the area rubbing everything with his nose. He carefully smelled ALL items paying close attention to the items she had urinated on. He often walked around on 3 legs, playing with his genitals with his left front paw. He was also rubbing himself on all objects vigorously.

At times, he would even “sing” or “whine” during this period. (Typical male, right?) Finally, he smelled the female porcupine and then “reared up” on his hid legs with his penis fully erect. (Visualize this people) If the female wasn’t ready she ran but if she was ready (and remember, she had already been moping) she also reared up and faced him (I was wrong with the doggy style thing).

At this point, he would PEE on her. (Hahahaha… You heard me.) He soaked her head to foot. Was she pissed? If she got mad she would beat him up and take off but if she wanted to get laid, she would let him make contact with her. Important note here: the spines of both animals were relaxed and lay flat.

His thrusts were of the “usual nature” (BEST DESCRIPTION EVER) and were produced by flexing and straightening his knees (now from behind by the way). He doesn’t grasp her in any way (Apparently she’s a bit prickly or something) and here’s my favorite part: mating occurs until the male is exhausted. Each time he broke away the female would re-establish contact! (HAHAHAHA)

And the author’s conclusion was priceless: Young children should be banned from university library basements. Also, never stand close to the cage, which contains courting porcupines as you could get urinated on.

So there you are! More details than you ever wanted to know on porcupines mating habits. You can thank Andie.

28 Comments

Rachel

July 14, 2011

Thanks for the lively read this Thursday AM! Yes, I rather like starting my day learning something new and interesting. This information about porcupines isn’t going to enhance my selling skills or increase my productivity at work today, but I welcome this humorus diversion.
Lynn you are so funny.

That made my day. Random tidbits of useless information are my thing. I can add this to my mental data base. Here’s one for Andie – What is the longest song ever to reach #1? (I’d Do Anything For Love – Meatloaf).

Random facts, I love them. Like ‘did you know that a female peacock is a peahen’. I had no idea. But did you know that the Dutch word for ‘chef’ is ‘cock’? So I go, ‘Really, your father is a famous cock? You must be so proud.’

Holy Bajeezus! That’s hilarious. I love how you and your daughter can have these random conversations. Now every time something about a porcupine comes up in conversation (going to have to start working that in more), I’ll have something interesting to say. (“Little known fact there, Normie …”) Thanks! :)