By Nury Vittachi

Friday, 17 June 2011

He tattooed it on his forehead

WHOA! I was nearly squashed flat on a pedestrian crossing yesterday - by a police van.

It stopped at a traffic light further on, and I wondered if I should say something.

"Excuse me officer, could you kindly arrest yourself? And `accidentally' slap yourself around for `resisting arrest' while you're at it, know what I mean, heh-heh?"

But I decided against it. The driver looked like Judge Dredd, the comic- book cop who simultaneously acts as constable, judge, jury, and on-the- spot executioner.

I suppose I shouldn't complain. This attitude to police work saves taxpayers' time and money. * But watch out for cameras.

In London last week, a traffic warden racing to give out some parking fines rode his motorbike the wrong way up a one-way street. It was all caught on camera.

No doubt, anyone who tries to charge the warden with breaking the law will hear him evoking Judge Dredd's catch-phrase: "I AM the law." * But in general, I've found police officers to be highly intelligent.

Not so for criminals. They frequently reveal their incompetence by their lack of preparation.

Last month, Joseph Price, 61, marched into a bank in Florida and demanded "a sack full of cash." But neither he or the teller had a sack. Just imagine the conversation:

ROBBER: "Put all the money in a sack."

TELLER: "What sack?"

ROBBER: "Don't you have a sack?"

TELLER: "Bank robbers have to bring their own sacks."

ROBBER: "Sorry, I'm new at this." * But failing to be prepared turned out to be a good thing in one incident recently.

To inspire police action against a seducer, a family of five tried to set themselves on fire in India.

At a police station in Coimbatore, they doused themselves in kerosene.

DADDYJI: "Okay, gimmie the matches."

MOMMYJI: "I didn't bring matches. I thought YOU brought the matches."

During the ensuing row, officers grabbed them. * Talking of domestic tension, there was one "dumb criminal" case recently that really struck a chord with me.

Robert Norton Kennedy, 51, of South Carolina, was arrested for assault.

Police saw words tattooed on his forehead: "Please forgive me if I say or do anything stupid."

Every married man in the world should immediately copy this idea. Think of all the hours of explaining it would save. It's kind of like the Ultimate Disclaimer.

The next time your wife finds you drunk in a bar in the wrong part of town, you just point to your head, and say: "See?"

Indeed, it could usefully be incorporated into the wedding vows. "Do you take this man as your lawful wedded husband, in full knowledge that he, being male, is likely to say and do some incredibly dumb things?"

What this shows is we can learn important lessons from stupid people as well as from smart ones. There's hope for all, especially if we are careful at pedestrian crossings.

I hope you have enjoyed this column. Please forgive me if I wrote stupid things.