“Kill anyone with anything, have ninja magic, be a master of disguise, flip out & kill anything, hurl shurikens, hover for like 96 hours, pretty much do anything, hide anywhere, lack personality, be self-sufficent, not make a sound, look good in a ninja uniform & commiting seppukku (suicide) if they they fail..”

Employer:

Carlos

Background:

Aruga is a typical looking Japanese Macaque born on the Iga planes of Japan.

CV
Although steeped in the ninja-myth during her early years, Aruga’s training commenced when she was already a young adult. She was adopted by a secretive ninja clan who had a nervous and inaccessible target, the director of TV commercials who was blackmailing the United Nations Secretary General. Aruga took quickly to her training, becoming proficient in the standard array of ninja weapons and demonstrating excellence in the breadth of ninja skills such as running up walls and walking on water. Tested as part of the Monkey Recruitment Agency’s rigorous interview process, we can guarantee that she is able to hover for 96.5 hours: however she can only do this in repeated 5 seconds intervals and was quite tired at the end of the 4 days.

She assasinated the blackmailing director during the filming of a chimp’s tea party advertising patio furniture. Aruga disguised herself as a chimp and infiltrating the party. Using a tea-saucer as a shuriken, she chose her moment carefully: Decapitating the director in one swift shot before escaping by throwing sugar into the eyes of his body guards and jumping from a 6th story window, landing safely in a birdbath.

Since then Aruga has sucessfully completed many missions, and never failed. As it has never happened yet, the Agency cannot guarantee that she would commit seppukku (suicide) if she failed. Such are her ninja abilities that a popular rumor in down-town Tokyo is that she is really mythical Samuri-Master Ishikawa Goemon in a monkey suit.

Uniform:

During working hours Aruga typically wears samurai armour, especially adapted to also armour her tail. She has her own small katana, disguised as a piece of banboo, and conceals various grappling hooks, lockpicks, caltraps et cetera in her fur.

Location and Start Date:

Aruga is currently based in Tokyo. If this is not convenient she is prepared to commute for the right wage, but you should note that a relocation package is unlikely to be sufficient to make her leave Japan. You can contact her to arrange these details and a mutually agreeable start date by leaving a message with the one eared, one eyed, one armed beggar found daily in Sedagaya park.

“The monkey will be assisting in a presentation on primate species and how they are endangered.”

Employer:

North Melbourne Christian College

Background:

Doctor Nujnut is a member of the elusive Alouatta Chamaeleonidae species commonly known as the Chameleon Monkey, a species critically endangered and subject to much debate amongst the scientific community. In his ‘natural state’ he is a typical looking monkey; short neat blonde hair; cute, but not too cute. However, the Chameleon Monkeys are able to take on the appearance of other species of monkey when frightened, hungry or bored and in need of amusement.

CV:
After accidentally taking on the form of a human child and being mistaken for the lost son of an aristocratic dynasty (the Tarzans), Doctor Nujnut was sent to a top English private school where he excelled in the sciences and progressed to Magdalen College Oxford. Discovering that many claimed the existence of the Chameleon Monkey to be a hoax, Doctor Nujnut wrote his PHD thesis around tests on his own DNA. His research proved the Alouatta Chamaeleonidae species’existence (this is now only disputed by some in the philosophy faculty).

Research on the species and efforts to protect it have since taken an interesting turn, with fears that some populations of Chameleon Monkey are receiving more than their fair share of funding by disguising themselves as different endangered monkey species, thereby making these species appear less endangered and entitled to proportionately smaller grants. Further, it is thought that some Chameleon Monkeys are taking on the appearance of only a few individual members of their own communities in order that they appear smaller and more threatened than they truly are. A scientific study published in the Journal of Zoology last year suggested that, through such deception, each Chameleon Monkey received an average of £14 million in grants to protect their habitat. Doctor Nujnut has since challenged the statistical methodology of this paper.

Doctor Nujnut is the ideal candidate to assist with presentations about endangered primate species, for not only is he a member of such a species, but he can also take the form of other species - thus aiding the visual aspects of any presentation. he is extremely knowledgeable about the subject and can assist in question and answer sessions.

Uniform:
As a good scientist, Doctor Nujnut wears a white lab coat when not disguised as another species of monkey.

Location and Start Date:
Doctor Nujnut is available to start immediately upon receipt of his contract of employment. He will work pro scientia, that is to say only for the good of knowledge and without a salary (he has little need for salt anyway). However he does expect full expenses and a six-figure research grant.

“Sensible. Not addicted to E-bay. Asks people before opening or closing doors. Does not lock everybody out”

Employer:

Heppell Family

Background:

Mr Simian is 172 years old, an age attained by care, diligence and carefully planned diet and lifestyle. He belongs to the Rigorousi species, a slow and thoughtful species of monkey which, in the wild, has been observed looking up to 17 different ways before crossing a jungle path.

CV:

Mr Simian loves doors, doorways and gates and has been a professional opener-closer for 167 years. His character references consistently congratulate him on the discrete care and politeness shown in his work and he has never been known not to ask before opening or closing. Career highlights include opening the doors of Westminster Abbey for Queen Victoria in her jubilee year, and opening the airplane doors of Soviet Leader Gorbachev’s first arrival in the USA. He once asked Jimi Hendrix if he would like a door opened or closed, but was told ‘no’; this, he says, is quite a good story, and Mr Simian is also available for after dinner speaking. He is not addicted to ebay, and has never used a computer. In fact, Mr Simian’s pet hate is automatic doors, which he considers to be dangerous and unnecessary. His last job was opening the door to shoppers at Morrisons in Camberwell Green, but was shooed away after a couple of hours by the Duty Manager.

Uniform:

He wears a starched butler collar and a blue bow tie, and carries several thousand keys at all times in a small Gladstone bag. These he carries in case he needs to open a door that has accidentally been locked, but he also uses them to assist those victims who have been left locked out through the negligence of others. But being careful he always fully checks their credentials to ensure that they have a legal right to enter the property.

Location and Start Date:

Mr Simian is already on his way to your house. He should arrive in about 15 minutes.

Sepeepo was born in a Soviet laboratory in a very large test tube. This wasn’t an example of bio-engineering, her monkey mother had simply broken in to the lab in order to escape the cold Siberian winds. Unfortunately they were both discovered by a security guard and thrown in to a cage where they were subjected to animal testing. They were given maths and english tests to complete.

Sepeepo’s high intellect was spotted by one of the scientists and she was soon press ganged in to the KGB as an apprentice spy. In time she became the KGB’s foremost spy in Western Europe, but unknown to her paymasters she was also working for MI6, the CIA and the RSPB. She spent many a long night sending coded messages from an attic in Berlin. She preferred to use carrier pigeons rather than transmitters and when the pigeons ran out she resorted to using carrier sparrows. The sparrows weren’t strong enough to carry her messages and they all fell from the sky in to the hands of her KGB superiors .

They weren’t best pleased by her double crossing antics and made repeated attempts to assassinate her using radioactive bananas, bombs disguised as garden gnomes and a rocket firing duck house. Sepeepo is still sought by several security agencies.

CV:

Sepeepo is able to read and assess hundreds of articles due to her background in analysing intelligence reports. Due to her experience sending and receiving coded messages, and as a result of the sparrow shenanigans, she now insists on hand delivering articles.

She insists that she meets the recipient in a secret neutral location and will only exchange packages once a coded conversation has been completed such as ”The Danube flows high this springtime” or “The nights are growing cold in Sevastapol”.

If you wish to employ Sepeepo please meet her by the western duck pond in Heaton Park at midday tomorrow. When she asks you “Do the deer frolic in the Urals in summer?” you must answer “Only when the moon shines bright”. Make sure that you take a black briefcase containing her contract to exchange with her.

Please note: Sepeepo will not accept tea, coffee or biscuits from work colleagues in case the KGB have infiltrated the firm and poisoned it.

“Dressing up like a preson, setting up, Performing, serving and cleaning up at my daughters 2nd birthday party. P.S: He has to be able to ride a bike (for my own amusement)”

Employer:

Ant Ink

Background:

Born to a well-to-do family, Havaticus was enrolled in the Aubergine Dance Studios from an early age. He has spent his entire life performing in theatre, film and television and completed his first revue at the age of 6 months. His film credits include “Frost/Nixon”, “Toy Story 3″ and “Dirty Dancing”. Some people also say that ‘Johnny Depp’ isn’t a real person and is in fact his alter ego.

Havaticus spent his early career fronting advertising campaigns for toilet rolls, cheese and canal holidays, and later cheese frangranced toilet rolls.

CV:

Havaticus is an extreme method actor. In preparation for playing the part of a tree in his school nativity he lived in a forest for three months beforehand. Having won an Oscar for his role in the film Titanic, he is able to mimic any human being and his theatrical performances are truly memorable and mesmerise the audience. He was once able to convince the Queen of England that she was an imposter and that he was in fact the real monarch.

Havaticus asks that he be given a dressing room prior to his performance at the party. Having played the part of a waiter in an episode of CSI: Miami he is fully ready to serve at the party, however he will need to enrol as a cleaner in a nearby hotel so that he can method act and prepare for his cleaning role.

Uniform:

Havaticus will bring with him his entire wardrobe of costumes so that he is prepared for any eventuality. However, these costumes are held within a 60ft trailer and adequate parking will be required.

Location and Start Date:

Havaticus intends to compete in the next Tour de France so that he can obtain sufficient cycling experience in order to to wow you at the party, and he will be available immediately after the race finishes.

As a young monkey, Kamunoo was kidnapped by an evil professor and imprisoned in his underground lair. Initially he was forced to do menial work by the evil professor, such as washing the dishes, polishing his shoes and dusting the evil professors control panel. As he grew older, the professor brainwashed him so that he would follow in his evil footsteps.

After just a few brainwashing sessions Kamunoo was given the job of recruiting henchmen for the professor and feeding his giant genetically modified piranha fish. Unfortunately he still had to perform his chores, and tragedy struck when the evil professor slipped on a floor Kamunoo was polishing and fell in to the piranha tank.

Kamunoo inherited the professor’s evil empire but unfortunately couldn’t afford the mortgage repayments on the underground lair. It was repossessed by the bank and later bought by an elderly couple looking for a retirement home.

CV:

Kamunoo has significant experience in recruitment from his days in the underground lair. He uses a variety of methods when he recruits:

- Using top secret, cryptic adverts in newspapers

- Offering a ‘Free Stress Test’ and then hypnotising the victims using one of the professors’ special inventions he salvaged from the lair

- Administering a secret drug by squirting it in to an unwitting recruit’s drink in a coffee shop, pub or other public place. This drug was also developed in the lair

- Hitting them over the head with a large stick and using evil henchmen to carry them back to the lair where he tortures them until they agree to join

- By attempting to lure people in to a trance on the bus using a technique he learned whilst on a caravan holiday in North Wales

Due to his earlier work for the professor, Kamunoo can be depended upon to maintain secrecy until his very last breath. If he is recruited he wishes to implement a new initiation ceremony in to the Order involving frozen chickens. He demands that his new employer also pays the salary of his two evil henchmen, and provides a company car and dental cover.

Uniform:

He will happily wear the robes of The Order of the Blood Rose but will sometimes need to wear disguises during the recruitment process. On Wednesdays he likes to wear a Fez hat for no particular reason.

Location and Start Date:

He is available to start immediately but requires three days off each week as he is building a new lair in memory of the professor.

Working the Printer, tall, clean hands, able to understand Epson Manual, Mac Friendly

Employer:

Swan Photography

Background:

Barccelo was an unusually tall monkey, resulting in him being abandoned as a baby having been labelled a freak by his parents. He was left in a carrier bag along a dark city side street where he was found by a lonely hobo.

The hobo looked after this young monkey baby and taught him to dance so that he could attract donations from passers-by so that they could buy food and clothing. When he was old enough, after being exhausted from dancing each day, Barccelo would spend his evenings learning to read using a discarded Epson Printer Manual he found in a bin. After several years Barccelo grew tired of dancing for the amusement of others and left his hobo benefactor.

CV:

Barccelo detested the squalor he was subjected to during his time living on the streets and subsequently developed obsessive compulsive disorder. He keeps his hands exceptionally clean, but must wash them at least every 4 minutes. After leaving the hobo he worked briefly as an apprentice mechanic and a self-taught IT engineer and can dismantle and re-assemble any complex printer in just 6 minutes, even with his eyes closed.

Barccelo is very Mac friendly and keeps an iMac as a pet, feeding it memory and USB sticks each morning. Unfortunately, having relied on an Epson manual to learn to read, he can only communicate using words found in the Epson Stylus 800 printer manual, albeit in 7 different languages.

Uniform:

Barccelo will wear his trusted ink-stained printers apron, which he has worn for 15 years. Please note that due to the length of time he has spent printing his hands are permanently discoloured.

Location and Start Date:

Barccelo is able to work anywhere but needs to give two weeks notice to his current employers.