CAMBRIDGE, MA—Spacious common rooms and asbestos-free walls may be a few months away, but the impacts of house renewal are already being felt in Winthrop, as renovations have transformed the site of Gore and Standish Halls into a portal to a demonic hellscape in another dimension.

WINTHROP HOUSE--Area mouse and Winthrop House resident Cheesers McLongtail was spotted sitting alone in the Winthrop dining hall and browsing Facebook on his computer. However, when approached by his friend Gabrielle Young '17, McLongtail claimed he was "just getting some work done before the weekend."

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last week, asbestos found in the building materials of Winthrop House raised concerns about the safety of those unfortunate enough to still live there. Ever dedicated to serious investigative journalism, SatireV sent in a team to discover what other potential safety hazards were lurking in the walls and ceilings. That team never returned. We sent in a second team, because our regard for human life does not exceed our ravenous need for dirt (figurative and literal). This time they had more success.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--- This Sunday, the Harvard Office of Transportation And Parking officially launched an initiative to expand shuttle routes to include a “safe, convenient, and reliable” passage to the eternal fires of Hades.

According to M2 administrators, the Winthrop shuttle, which already operates every fortnight under the blood-red moon, was the logical candidate for the route extension.

Winthrop and Lowell have failed to make any meaningful progress in negotiations over Lowell’s “backdoor.” Despite Winthrop's years of begging, Lowell continues to hold firm that “it’s an exit, not an entrance.” From Lowell’s perspective, its front entrance is perfectly functional and was actually made to receive visitors while the backdoor isn’t always so tidy. As Lowell puts it, “I would never live it down if Winthrop found a mess back there.” Besides, Lowell says, “it’s a little more romantic to be able to see people as they come in.”