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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

RTT - Parenting Tip countdown

Got a bunch of random thoughts rattling around your head?Can't get a decent sized post together to save your life?Too much of a lazy ass to post something coherent?No? I guess that would just be me.

Keely over at the The Un Mom has cut us (namely me) some slack. She's designed this thing called Random Thoughts Tuesday. How did she do it? I have no idea. Probably has some math involved. Which would make it way over my head. Anyway, head over there to check out all the rest of the randomness.

Let's get started:

Parenting tip number 4:

2 1/2 year old Eldest Boy: Mommy how does the power go through the wires?

Mommy (played by me): It's Magic

Eldest Boy: Okay

Let that be a lesson to all you mommy bloggers. Sometimes the best and only answer is "It's magic"

My DIL sent this to me. Does she know me or what?

Parenting tip #3:Appliance stores are you new Toys-R-Us. Get to know the salespeople. Bring them baked goods. They will become your new best friend. Why? Because an oven range box will entertain a boy child (only because this is the flavor I know the most about) from the ages of 3 until 10. Score yourself a refrigerator box and you'll have a fort in your living room of biblical portions. (and hopefully not your next house) The long term entertainment value can not be stressed enough. You will be able to have the second emotion-leveling beverage of choice.

Little did you know that librarians are a tattooed alcohol drinking know-it-all lot. Then again if you've been reading this blog for any length of time none of this surprises you.

Texas librarians show wild side in calendarAP Last updated 10:34 30/07/2009

Tattooed Ladies of TLA

TATTS RIGHT: Gretchen Hoffmann, a member of the Texas Library Association, shows off her starfish tattoo during an autographing of calendars.

So much for the stereotype. Texas librarians are baring their skin and revealing their tattoos – all to raise disaster relief money to help damaged libraries.

Photos of the librarians and their body art appear in a new calendar sold by the Texas Library Association. Librarian Shawne Miksa says it's a way to get people to notice library issues. As the model for November 2010, she shows off Chinese characters on her lower back that mean "wisdom" and "desire".

The Tattooed Ladies of TLA 18-month calendar is a follow-up to the successful Men of Texas Libraries calendar, which raised $20US ($NZ13,936) to help libraries damaged by hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

The TLA says libraries thrive on promoting diversity and free expression and the calendar exhibits that spirit.

Parenting tip #2Know the enemy. This would be that snot nosed older kid in the neighborhood. He will try to lead your son (sorry it's about all I could breed. I blame their dad.) astray. Spotting the rotten little git can be tricky. They will usually a few years older than your child. They will almost always have those parents. You know the ones; "My child would neverskip school, smoke dope, lie to me, steal your car, (insert more bad things here)". Of course, their little angel is doing all those things and more. Lead your child gently away from said bad kid. Don't push too hard because then bad kid looks like so much more fun.

Bless their hearts (and I mean that in the nicest way and not in the snarky Southern way. Southerners you know you do it). The people at Meatless Monday, John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health featured my Avocado Egg Roll last week. They asked me if I wanted to know the nutritional value of this recipe. Were they effing kidding? I said no but thank you. Want to know why I didn't want to know. Check it out on their site.

These avocado egg rolls work well as both a side dish or as hors d’oeuvres. The sweet acidity in the cilantro dipping sauce complements the creamy salt of the egg rolls. We thank Michele of A Dog’s Life for this gem.

That calories per serving is just plain scary. Seriously, is it any wonder I need to lose 10 pounds? I've got to stop eating things like this and wine. I've really got to give up wine. Then again if I gave up red wine I'd probably lose that 10 pounds. Ah.....Nah, that's not going to happen. My cardiologist assures me that red wine is good for me. Really, the guy looks like he's all of 12 and knows completely what he's doing. So, if he says I can drink red wine who am I to judge? That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

If I don't blog for more than 4 days in a row call 911 it means that I disregarded his excellent advise and gave up red wine. Or possibly that that clot has finally broken loose. From what my kindergarten cardiologist says that is not a good thing.

The Great Grass Incident of 2009

JR has become the neighborhood public nuisance. That's right folks. JR and anal retentive lawn neighbor are on the outs. JR mowed the patch of lawn between the houses and while doing so mowed the neighbors portion a little too low in one spot. Really, quite by accident. The neighbor called JR over to talk about how he doesn't want JR cutting that area at all because this type of thing can not be allowed to happen again. JR told him he was sorry, that in no time at all the grass would grow back and that he would never mow that area again. Our side or his. His Analness kept going on and on about it. JR finally said "whatever" and walked away.

20 minutes later we hear a knock on our door. Seems His Analness got his feelings hurt when JR walked away (after assuring that he would never mow the area again). And I guess that when His Analness gets his feelings hurt he calls the police. The knock on the door was a nice policeman there to tell JR that His Analness had called to file a complaint because he felt that JR was blowing him off. Well, he was right; JR was blowing him off. Because its petty and its grass and it will grow back.

JR told the officer that he will never mow that area ever again (our side and his). End of story.

I, of course, couldn't leave this alone. I told JR that instead of having weekend conjugal visits (with his flight schedule this is what we are calling his weekends home) at home I'm going to have to visit him at the big house. I went on to tell him that if he was sent to the big house for a mowing offense I would stand by him. By God, I'll stand by my man.

Parenting tip #1

Lower your expectations. They can never disappoint you if your biggest goal for them is that you don't have to visit them in prison. Anything over that is gravy. And take those kudos. You earned them.

Speaking of prison I may be visiting JR there. Obviously, his mother didn't follow tip number 1.

22 comments:

You're right you know - sometimes the simplest answers ARE the best to a child's question. I recently read a post by a British man who, when faced with the question, "Daddy, where does poo come from?" by his 5-year-old daughter, gave her a long, involved explanation of her body's eliminatory process. At the end, she looked at him in slightly horrified disbelief and asked, "So, where does Tigger come from?"

I wouldn't want to know the calorie count of those egg rolls, either. There are some things you're just better off remaining ignorant of, you know?

Princess Nagger loves it when I tell her stuff works by magic...of course then she follows it up with "But how does it really work?" :)

Your neighbor really is anal, isn't he? Calling the police because he felt JR blew him off? Your tax dollars hard at work. So is the neighbor going to mow that section, then? (your side and his side) Our neighbors didn't call the cops, but they did dig up the grass between our property and theirs when they saw me mowing it. It was a mess of dirt, rocks and weeds for 2 years. They finally planted grass and made it look nice again. I won't be mowing it. ;)

Oh my god. Please tell me that you're renting this house and won't be neighbors with those douchebags forever? I've recently started mowing a small strip of my neighbor's lawn between our houses but if it's going to get me thrown in the slammer, I might have to quit. Actually, jail sounds nice and restful.

Thanks for the parenting tips. I know exactly which punk to look out for in our neighborhood.

Heh, that Texan librarian THINKS her Chinese tats say "wisdom" and "desire" and not "tofu with noodles" - google "Chinese Tattoo Prank" if ya think i'm making this up. As for the lawn incident, weeell if you guys had watched "King of the Hill" a few times before you left, like I suggested, you'd a seen this coming a mile away. Can you slip a file into one of those avocado roles for JR??

I still believe that electricity is magic. A magic that I cannot live without.

You are joking about the police, right? They must've been mighty bored to come to a call like that. The incident will probably be on 'Cops' (is that show even still on?) They should charge your neighbor with having no life.