7.14.2010

Before we get to today's post, I have a MERCH UPDATE for you! The merch is in, orders are filled, notes are written, swag is shamelessly thrown at you, everything is in my kitchen ready to be picked up and I've been stood up TWICE now by the god damn United States Postal Service. Which is fucking infuriating on two distinct levels:

1.) You people need your shit and I need this off my plate before I have a brain aneurysm.

2.) I wasted both of my days off this week sitting in my apartment bored out of my mind, waiting for the god damn postman to come when I could have been on my roof drinking Miller High Life and attempting to become a slightly less offensive shade of white.

And I got a confirmation email both times that I scheduled a pick up! I THINK NOT. And it's from a do-not-reply email address, so I can't bitch at them. IT MAKES. NO. SENSE. I'm so frustrated. However, I'm committed to getting you your shit, so I'm waking up early Saturday morning, loading up my embarrassing old lady grocery cart with your merch orders and taking it to the post office before work. Let me repeat that: waking up early. Saturday morning. Before work. Old lady cart. So to everyone who opened a PayPal dispute with me, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Every now and then, I sit down and decide that I'm going to join an online dating site. Those match.com ads that are like, "TIME'S ARE A-CHANGIN'!!!! 1 IN 5 RELATIONSHIPS START ONLINE!!!! FOOTAGE FROM ACTUAL MATCH.COM FIRST DATES!!!!" are oddly convincing and if it's good enough for Lee and Ann-Marie, it should be good enough for me, right? Not to mention the fact that well over half of everyone I know has at some point been on, or is currently on an online dating website. And for Christ's sake; I've done it before! I joined match when I lived in Brooklyn and had a really good experience with it. (Although to be fair, I also had a really bad one, but that story is specially reserved for my hypothetical book that will never be.) (Unless Olney Elementary Press mans up and invests in my proposal.) (THE AND!)

I can't tell you how many times I've sat down at my computer with every intention of creating an online dating profile for myself, but everytime I do, two things stop me. And these two things will keep away me from online dating forever.

1.) This email that Alex got from OkCupid, subject: alexpkeet, we have data on your attractiveness!

Because I'm sure that's too small to read, it says:

"We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.

How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.

Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.

This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results."

Now, while I'm not arguing with the mathematics that Alex = good-looking (and per Alex, that dollar-sign can be removed upon request. And per me, that request costs a small fee, all proceeds going towards 2birds1blog.com.), that is the most absolutely terrifying email I have ever seen in my entire life. EVER. Because it means that if I sign up for OkCupid and don't receive that email, I am without a doubt in the "Busted McGee" tier of users and will only see photos of hunchbacks and drifters in my match results from now on. There will be no question about it. At least with match you can dilute yourself into thinking, "Oh, it's matching me with people who look inbred because I listed "The Tudors" as an interest, lolz!" but here there's really no ambiguity about it. You're busted. Ergo, you are being matched with busted people. Alex is attractive. Ergo, he gets matched with attractive people. Good day to you.

And you know what the most terrifying part of that entire email is?

And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.

OH, COME ON!!!! Now that's just unnecessary and terrifying. Isn't the entire point of online dating like, "Everyone is gay and your job is demanding. We'll find you someone, sweetie."? It just seems sort of counter-productive to make it just as rough and competitive as real world dating. Because if I wanted to feel insecure next to my friends, I'd probably just go outside instead of joining an online dating website.

2.) The "About Me" profile section. The About Me section is the cover letter of online dating; you have to jump through these literary hoops to make yourself sound interesting and desirable when all you really want to say is: "Hi. My name is Meg. If alone in a room with me, I won't kill you. So give me a chance." and be done with it.

Not to mention the fact that I don't have a lot of confidence in my interests. Have you ever sat down and really taken an audit of your honest-to-god interests? It's a truly enlightening experience. Because let's just all agree that we, as a people and a nation, love traveling, cooking, working out, reading and hanging out with friends and family. OK? Let's just move on from those five activities. All five are fun, all five superficially make you sound like an interesting and datable person, but I truly believe it's what you enjoy besides those activities that say the most about you are. And what I discovered recently from making a painfully honest list of my interests is that I miiiiight be a douchebag.

I leave you now with the list of interests that I sat down and wrote a few months ago when I was going through one of my pro online dating phases. Enjoy. And feel better about yourself.

73
comments:

Anonymous
said...

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god you have no idea how unreasonably excited i got when i read "sorry 2004" like you dont even understand how much i think about that song on a regular basis and no one gets it. i resist the urge to finish every "i'm sorry..." i say with the words "for 2004." honest. i love you and i would totally date you except im a girl but if i WERE a dude:

i WOULD bone you to ruban AND i would smoke a wine flavored black and mild with you when it was over. thank you.

hahaha that list was AWESOME. i still say you come to Europe and try au pairing for a year, see they have jobs in Antwerp: http://greataupair.com/fastfind.cfm/page/1/pagelist/1/search/Family/aupairGender/1/displayRows/5/location/1/countryList/22/stateList/312

oh and i had a narwhal moment last night...since when did Uni of Notre Dame move to Indiana? i mean i have watched Rudy countless times yet i bet my friend a flight to london that it was in boston (even after she told me that she had actually been there)

Although many of the things you listed are things I enjoy and/or are interesting, I just HAD to comment on using Google Earth Street View in bad neighborhoods!!1 I, too, have done this many a time (it's a nice way to explore Anacostia, which honestly doesn't look that bad from Street View), and it's embarassing to admit just how much time I end up spending on Street View--it's like, virtual...life.

As a long time reader first time commenter I just HAD to comment because your OKcupid comment made me think of this awful (in my opinion) webiste. I completely agree with your assesment of online dating...it should obviously be as friendly as possible right? Well boom check out beautifulpeople.com (and this story recently came out about them)

It's a site that's strictly reserved for "beautiful people" (user voted) and around holiday season they started booting out users who had gained a few pounds with the explanation "this isn't a site for fatties to troll around".

couple things... 1) if you actually joined match with that list, i think you'd get some legit dreamy hipsters. no joke.2) brandy (you're a fine girl) may be the greatest song of all time3) have you seen the new show called "i'm pregnant and..."? last night i watched "i'm pregnant and addicted", "i'm pregnant and 55" and "i'm pregnant and in jail"

1) i got that same email after a while of using the site. the people i see now are no more or less hot than the ones i saw before. i think it's bs.

b) if you created an account and put that as your list of interests, you would definitely get emails. cereal -- most profiles are boring, that one shows you have a sense of humor and/or can laugh at yourself (at least, that's what everyone else will think and therefore email you).

It makes me legitimately excited when I say to someone, "I want you inside me," and they know that I am referencing WHAS and not just being creepy. I also have a slight obsession with saying, "Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch!"

Oh boy, I giggled and cringed through this entire post! I met my boyfriend on OkCupid (and, I might add, I think we're both attractive... though I'm biased, obvs).

Totally didn't get that email like Alex, though, so I'm wondering if that's why my Quiver matches, etc., all featured pasty-white IT professionals obsessed with -- yes -- The Tudors and other historically-based cable shows. And then I found my BF... who is a scientist. Which is nerdy and awesome... like me. So maybe it all works out?

Meg, you could just have your friends sign you up! http://greatboyfriends.com/index.php

Who doesn’t know a great guy (or girl) who is shockingly, still single? Maybe it’s your best friend, your not-for-me ex, your adorable brother -- you get it.

Post them here and “set them up” with an equally cool, preapproved date; i.e., no one makes it onto our A list unless a true friend like you signs ’em up. Because friends don’t let friends stay single.

I'm a little bit in love with your list of interests, mostly because I've always been more than a little self-conscious about mine. It makes me sound like a middle-aged divorcee: Gardening, reading, writing, curling up with Netflix instant browse and a glass of red wine most evenings.

I often encourage single friends to sign up for a dating site. The catch is that I also insist they go on every date they are asked on (or at least 1-2 a week)and then write about it. Can you imagine who/what you would encounter? I think it would not only be highly entertaining but also a good learning experience as far as what you do and don't like...who knows you might just even fall in love...

I never agreed with the Picky Petes saying the blog was going downhill but DAMN. This was the Meg-post I didn't even know I was waiting for. I laughed so hard at every single one of your interests, you should definitely make this entire post your online profile. I'd date the shit out of you

Haha is it sick that I haven't played Donkey Kong Country in forever and yet the second I read the words I could hear the monkey noise sound effect and the one the barrels make then they smash? Yeah...

Meg, WHAT is up with the comment nazis? You get why I brought delude/dilute to your attention, right? As a fellow non-Narwhal-knowing 22 year old, I felt it was my duty. I'm sorry if it offended you the slightest bit!

I got this from the dating site I was on (plentyoffish)! So income now limiting me from matches? Not just Hotness! Then to top it off the site matched me with my brother! Fun times! "The average person on this site has about 1000 people they could date with in a reasonable distance. To make your search easier on this page we only show you men whose income is equal to yours or higher (In only 5% of relationships is a woman's income significantly higher than a mans). We also take into account all your messaging restrictions and we filter users you would most likely break up with if you did enter into a relationship."

I joined plenty of fish a few years ago and I felt the exact same way you do. I think you should copy and paste that entire list into your About Me and roll with it. I was completely honest in mine about what I wanted -- I didn't even bother putting a picture up -- I just thought, to hell with it. If they like what they read, they'll message me. I'd rather all the superficial assholes that are just looking at pics and empty profiles go somewhere else so I don't have to weed them out anyway. And don't think that's crazy. I met my husband there, and we've been married for a year and a half now. Quite happily, too. I can sit around in my pajamas all day and not be judged about it. Cuz that was one of my likes, and damn if I didn't find a boy who likes it too (and thinks I'm cute for doing it).

I'd consider that combination of interests as intriguing at the very least. I'd send you a message and be very excited if you responded. I'm sure that there are plenty of other guys who'd feel the same way. Keep being awesome!

when Paul Rudd was in town last year filming "Everything You've Got," they filmed on my block for 3 days and his trailer was DIRECTLY in front of my window. So, like a loser, I took off work to sit behind said window all day and watch for him to walk in/out said trailer to see if he was just as hot as i think he is in person. Vindication was finally mine as a car rolled up to drop him off so he could enter the trailer. Feeling that he is my soulmate and if he just saw me, he would want to marry me, I decided to open my window and yell to him "Hey Paul! You taste like a Burger!" Much to my surprise, he looked up, laughed and yelled back "I don't like you anymore" and made a playful yuck face while waving at me. I figured that in a probable constant barrage of Anchorman quotes, he probably doesn't hear any WHAS quotes, and this would establish my bona fides as a true connoisseur of his work. My plan would have worked, but he's already married. Ugh. But at least I can forever say that Paul and I shared a moment....and that is sadly one of the proudest moments of my life.

great post - this list is awesome! I have a lot of the same interests, specifically singing "Brandy(You're a fine girl)" at Karaoke, kashi food products, crafting, looking at wedding things even though i never want to get married, snuggling, gangster rap, pugs, and gwen stefani. Don't worry, my dating life also sucks.

I literally started cackling when i read your idea for the halloween themed crapery...i would totally go there all the time! There are no good craperies in DC anyway, you should follow your dreams and open one.

I've been single forever and my friends have encouraged me to join an online dating site - which I constantly refuse b/c ummm yea...I don't want to be rejected b/c someone sees my picture and is horrified...well...I gave in and the nightmare came true. Exhibit A: two days after posting my profile, I receive the following message:

I was reviewing your profile and came to the conclusion that you are one of a kind! Good luck in your search:)

At first I thought "oh, I'm one of a kind, that's cool." Then I get to the "good luck in your search" part and I'm pretty sure it wasn't meant to be a compliment! Oh the woes of dating in the technology age. Love 2b1b!

Hold the phone. I couldn't even finish reading this post (catching up on a month's worth of posts right now, which is making this day epic-level-good) and almost fell out the chair when you said people have opened PayPal disputes with you over the merch.

Every day that I wait for my "Sorr About the Bag" bag is another day I get to tell someone about the HIGHlarious bag that I will one day own. And that, my friend, is better than Christmas.

My two female roommates and I joined Ok Cupid together when two of us got dumped and one had been single forever. they BOTH got into the "pretty club." I did not. I closed my account and never looked back.

and yet, like the only third grader who didn't get a valentine from Bobby Johnson, it stings.