Dates With The Past Are So Totally Overrated

Don’t you hate it when you go on a date with the past and it’s completely disappointing? Like the past is all pale and wan, and not really interested in you and maybe still reeling from its break-up with Hayden Panettiere? Last night on The Hills, Lauren went on just such a date with her former Laguna Beach crush, Stephen Colletti. But before that, there was a housewarming party at the new LC-Lo-Audrina pad, which is so unfairly spacious, sunny, and beautiful that it made me want to punch the walls of my dusty third-floor walk-up in Queens. Anyway! The party was chock-full of the Ghosts of Boyfriends Past. (Seriously, that house is going to need an exorcism.) Not only was Stephen (normally incredibly cute, but looking sickly last night) there, but also Brody (with now-ex GF Cora Skinner), Jared (the personal trainer and one-time Whitney date), and Justin Bobby.

Poor Audrina, relegated to the guest house and somehow wearing a backless turtleneck (?), seemed to understand that her exile was now complete. She even mentioned to JB that perhaps she should look for a place of her own (um, a little late?). When Lauren and Stephen finally went on their “date,” it was a whole lotta nothing. I mean: Nothing. They caught up. Yawn. When Stephen drove her home, they had a boring convo about LC’s high school curfew, but MTV played some faux-meaningful pop song to fool us into thinking it was all leading somewhere. But no. (It seemed like they were desperately trying to fill space because nothing happened.) As Lauren later explained to Lo: “When I’m out with him, I feel like I’m in high school. But I’m not in high school anymore.” That’s right, Lauren. You’re in college now. (And maybe you should try to finish up? You’re 22, after all.) So what did we learn? Well, don’t go on a date with the past. Especially don’t ask the past to accompany you to a Wilco concert at McCarren Park Pool in August. Because the past is a real jerk sometimes and that’s why you’re not together anymore. Just get a puppy instead—like Lauren does next week!

Oh and another thing: Best underminer-y line of the night goes to Lo: “Brody’s girlfriend is very pretty with very large breasts.” Runner up: Spencer teasing Stephanie about her semi-formal date. (I’m not recapping the Heidi-Spencer-She-Pratt subplot because it was so utterly pointless and staged and, worse, flat-out boring, that I can’t bear to re-live it. Sorry.)