David KolbThe disadvantage of writing a weekly column is that sometimes you get stuck behind the eight-ball of events.

Then you just have to take your best shot and see what drops into the pocket.

So I’m going to have to go with the assumption that all of the bullying tea party Republican bluster and bombast has come to pass.

I’m going to assume that the ballyhooed tidal wave has crashed over the national electorate and washed away the Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress.

I’m steeling myself for the possibility that by today, a new GOP majority leader in the U.S. Senate is preening himself in preparation for occupying Harry Reid’s office come January, and that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi might already be drafting her resignation speech.

For all I know, President Barack Obama may have abdicated overnight, like Kaiser Wilhelm.

What else can I assume? The media narrative for months now has been relentless and so have the major polls in trumpeting the triumph of the angry mob on Election Day.

These enraged voters, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, are said to believe that Democrats have raised their taxes and shrunk the economy, that the stimulus program is rife with fraud, and that the banks haven’t repaid most of their TARP bailouts with interest.

They also believe national health insurance reform is a very bad thing and needs to be repealed so our friends in the insurance industry can take control again since they know what’s best for us.

I wish I could, but I can’t deny the months of screaming front pages and the ceaseless chatter of the breathless talking heads and pundits out there in TV-land and on Hate Radio.

Like it or not, I’m just going to go with the flow.

In that spirit then, I’d like to suggest to the members of the new Congress an initial course of action that hopefully will meet with the approval of the angry mob that has swept them into the seats of power.

I know my plan will not satisfy right-wingers who believe the first order of business for the new tea party Congress should be to impeach the president should he not have fled the country as I suggested a few paragraphs earlier.

Nor will it mollify the tea party health insurance reform haters who want that legislative accomplishment repealed (along with the 14th and 17th amendments, and the liberal “establishment clause” of the 1st Amendment to the Constitution).

However, these sorts of difficult policy initiatives — impeachment, “fixing” the Constitution — take time.

Also Obama, should he choose to remain in office after the predicted tidal wave, might prove an impediment to any of these actions until his veto pen is taken away manfully by the new Republican Guard.

Without further ado, then, here’s my suggestion: A national unity campaign to destroy the bedbug threat to our great nation.

The beauty of declaring a national conservative unity War on Bedbugs is that it is a logical tune-up for the wars that lie ahead for the presumed victors of Tuesday’s election.

• First, with bedbugs, you have an “enemy” that is feared by all who encounter them. No one who has been bitten by a bedbug, at least according to the Associated Press, sleeps well afterwards.

• Second, this is due to the knowledge that our attacker not only craves the taste of our blood on its mandibles but, like Islamic terrorists, these fiends hide in dark corners, planning their next assault on peacefully reposing Americans.

• Third, for all we know, bedbugs congregate in tiny insect mosques to plot.

• Fourth, the fact that we even have a bedbug problem today can be conveniently foisted off as the fault of liberals, so this new war would kill two birds with one shotgun blast, as it were.

• Fifth, once upon a time, in a happier nation, our vaunted pest controllers didn’t have their hands tied by bleeding heart, sob sisters who banned the use of the chemical agent DDT, the bedbugs’ worst nightmare. Never mind that DDT killed everything else in the food chain. Collateral damage.

• Sixth, some have suggested the possibility exists the resurgence of the bedbug threat is due to their having hitchhiked into America on illegal immigrants. A war on bedbugs, thus, is also a war on illegal immigration!

• Finally, the worst of the bedbug problems have been seen in the bigger cities and urban locales, such as New York and Los Angeles.

• Since the big cities are hotbeds of liberalism and Democratic strongholds, it is not much of a leap of faith to show who has been responsible for this new menace to the sleep of America.

Better yet, for my tea party Republican friends, I’m sure that in the end a newly declared War on Bedbugs will lead to new tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires and gazillionaires, more outsourcing of jobs to China and possibly the end of funding for the National Endowment of the Arts and National Public Radio.

So, I say, don’t let the bedbugs bite!

Go get ’em, Congress!

David Kolb is former editorial page editor of The Muskegon Chronicle. E-mail: writersgroupllc@aol.com