Gwyneth the Developer

After not punking in pink at the MET Gala, Gwyneth Paltrow made an appearance at the Apple Store in Soho yesterday with her friend Jessica Seinfeld, wife of Jerry, and one of the best bitch-facers in the business. Look at her, in the shot I’m including below, straight on, with her head sort of tilted. It is SPECTACULAR.

Jessica and G hang out in the Hamptons. And God, the sh-t talking that must go down when those two get together. I would learn how to garden, and get a job as a gardener, if it meant I could eavesdrop on their conversations by the pool.

The presentation was called Meet The Developer Gwyneth Paltrow -- GOOP City Guides. So she’s some kind of tech entrepreneur too. As I wrote last week, G will be in Vegas next month at the Licensing Expo as an expert on brand expansion. And all while being part of the #1 movie in the world. It’s more to hate, isn’t it? It’s so much more to hate. It’s so much easier to like a blonde when she’s drunk and mouthing off to a police officer when her husband gets pulled over for drunk driving. Which, as I wrote the other day (click here for a refresher), is evidently how people are responding to Reese Witherspoon. The outlets that reported that Reese has never been more appealing are many of the same that also published pieces about how Gwyneth is so repellant.

What’s interesting about G is that, well, when she speaks cluelessly about anxiety attacks due to a lack of granola and kale, or recommends spring wardrobe purchases that cost more than your apartment, and pretty much all the time flaunts her privileged existence, it’s actually not dishonest in that, well, as she has reminded you again, and again, and again, she is not Just Like Us. Just Like Us is the go-to strategy when celebrities try to get you to spend money. Jessica Simpson needed to lose weight after her pregnancy, Just Like Us. It was hard but she did it through Weight Watchers, Just Like Us. But not really. Because we don’t have 8 nannies and an assistant and we have to punch in and out at work every day and by the time we’re exhausted, having sat in 90 minutes of traffic on the commute home, sometimes working out isn’t an option.

Gwyneth is arguably more authentic, but her authenticity reveals a truth that is repugnant: we will never be her. Others are less authentic, but in their fraudulence, there is an illusion that is much more attractive: we could be them, only if we don’t think too hard about it.