(Closed) Good article about the "baby question"

Somebody linked this on Facebook this morning and I read it on my way to work. I think a lot of people just don’t realize how inappropriate it is to ask someone when they’re having kids. People like me (who don’t want them) get annoyed, but it’s obviously not a great question for women who are struggling with trying to have a baby either. Anyway, just thought I’d share!

Yes, I hate that question. I may not be able to have children, and it hurts. I also don’t talk about it to a lot of people IRL, so I don’t know what to say when people ask. I am tempted to explain that we’re not having unprotected sex quite yet just to see the reaction, but of course I politely skirt the question instead.

Pinkmoon: I’m lucky enough in that it hasn’t happened that much. Myself and DH weren’t together that long when we got married and all my friends know I want kids so didnt ask when it hasnt happened right away. I did, however, have to suffer though a pushy friend quizzing me, and even sniffing my drink (swear to god!) to see if it was alcoholic two weeks after my miscarriage. After I stormed off I hope she will never do that again!!!

Ugh, I hate getting asked that question! People really don’t realize how intrusive it is to ask. Before I was pregnant, I was always polite about it and would say “you will find out when I’m 3 months pregnant” kind of jokingly. I have so many friends who have infertility issues and people don’t realize how much it hurts folks who want kids very badly to have that question asked. It’s just annoying for people who don’t want kids to be put on the spot and either just need to ignore it or explain their decision. And further just because your married doesn’t mean there are other factors to work out before children. I am of the camp that it’s not an appropriate question to ask ever to anyone!

I am getting older now and I have seen a tapering off of this question. I’ll be 38 in May. I think people probably get it by now, but not too long ago I was still getting the question and when I said, “I don’t have kids,” or “We are not having kids,” I get the most scrunched up, bewildered, judgement face in response. It does hurt my feelings. It’s so rude! I want to re-act the face they just gave me to hold a mirror to their face. But I usually make a joke and change the subject. I’ve decided not to make much of a stir. Society is too conditioned.

Pinkmoon: Good article. I totally agree. Here’s the saddest time I ever encountered this: I was at my triathlon team spin class years ago and there was a new guy there, a friend of one of the members. Another guy was asking him about himself- was he married and did he have kids. The new guy said yes, I’m married but no kids. Instead of leaving it at that the other guy made some joke about it, like, what, too busy traveling the world and doing triathlons to want them? Or something like that. The new guy said, “Actually, we had a son. He died of leukemia when he was eight years old.” It was very sad and incredibly awkward and I could tell the guy who had asked felt terrible about it. That was wehn I decided never to ask people that, and now that I am at that time in my life and various friends are pregnant or dealing with miscarriages or struggling to get pregnant I wish other people would get it, too.

As a newlywed, and almost 25, I get asked that a lot. People at my wedding were saying hopefully next time they see me is at my sons Bris. One time, my mom called me after work, a month after the wedding and said she saw on TV that my eggs were most ripe right in that moment. I told her, if you ever open up a conversation about my eggs again, i’ll hang up lol.

More surprisingly are my friends who have babies, say awkward things like, YOU’RE NEXT! Or that their child needs a friend to play with. When we TTC in the future, it’ll be nobody’s business! We’re too busy learning how to take care of ourselves, we do not have time to take care of a mini human!

Pinkmoon: Even as someone who is currently pregnant it sucks to be asked if we are having more children. It goes all ways, even for those of us who want children. It’s like, “I am still pregnant with my first. I am not even thinking about more right now” yet if you give them that answer then they have an opinion on why you HAVE to have two or more because, you know, you HAVE to, lol.

Pinkmoon: Great article! My husband and I get asked ALL the time if we want kids. Its so awkward, I try to skirt around but its still annoying. Not only annoying, but rude! It bothered me before, but now that we’ve been TTC for a few months I honestly dread the question. When we get pregnant, people will find out when we tell them. lol.

That part about people saying “oh you just wait, you might change your mind!” is SO true, and so annoying! My husband and I have decided not to have kids, it’s not that we can’t (well I don’t really know that I guess!), but we have just decided that we like our time to ourselves and that we just don’t want that lifestyle. I love kids, but just don’t want any of my own. I hate when people say things about “you’re married now, so when are you going to have kids?!” or they just assume that we’re going to because we’re married now. As you can probably tell, I’m getting pretty annoyed with the whole thing, just wish people would stop asking about it because they look at me like I’m a bad person when I say I just don’t want kids! Sometimes when they say “oh you’ll change your mind!” I just laugh and say “maybe” to avoid the whole topic!

We were just shy of an infertility diagnosis when I got pregnant. About 4 weeks ago — ironically, the day my baby actually implanted — I was out to dinner with my in-laws when my husband’s aunt started loudly talking about how my MIL needs a new grandbaby. They proceeded to have a very awkward 5-minute conversation where we sat and said nothing (our de facto response to such questions). When anyone asked if/when we were going to have kids, I just responded with a very abrupt, “Never.” I guess “No” isn’t strong enough, but “Never” always did it for me. It shut down conversations very quickly.

I do regret that when I was MUCH younger, I thought that this was an acceptable conversation starter. I blame it on the Mom who had no concept of boundaries and would ask anyone anything. As I started getting into my 20s, I quickly learned what is and isn’t acceptable to ask someone, especially in this context.

This. Is. Excellent. I have NEVER understood why people find it to be acceptable to ask me when my husband and I are going to have unprotected sex. That’s exactly what they’re doing. “You guys bangin’ without birth control yet?” And now that we have been trying for a year, I want to punch people in the face for asking.