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The man and I just got home from a week in Florida. A week. Just the two of us. You can imagine how wonderful it was. It was also a bit awkward just being ALONE with him without our usual distractions. I mean in order for me to get some play around here I have to set up a few episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, hand out snacks, lock doors, etc. Parents you know what I am talking about…good grief..and I actually have no idea where I was going with that but nonetheless the trip was awesome.

The last day, well, we slept through our flight. Just snoozed right through it. So our final day was spent trying to remember that we still loved each other because nothing triggers moody people quite like missing a flight. We found a flight out, at a different airport, on a different airline, ate the cost of two new tickets, and settled in at our gate four hours early. We weren’t missing that second one.

Those next several hours I sat and did one of my favorite things to do. I people watched. Creeper style. Full-staring engaged. I did keep my face gentle and smiled often as to not scare the ones I was silently dissecting and judging. I watched families casually settling in at gates, and families running to catch planes. I watched kids drive their parents crazy and people argue at airline counters. I watched business professionals and snow-birds. Young hands and aged-hands holding each other. Tan-skin leaving and pale-skin arriving. People hugging, people hustling, people laughing, people sleeping, people stressing.

I watched about 20 people decide to eat a piece of delicious, greasy, Sbarro pizza-which made me join them in that horrible decision making. There really is no attractive way to eat pizza. I kept looking for it and we all just look like animals eating it. And while standing in line to buy the pizza I envied over everything the girl in front of me was wearing, her luggage, her beautiful care-free hair; she was buying a water. Of course, just a water. At a pizza joint. But then I remembered she probably looked like an animal eating pizza, so that made me feel better and worse all at the same time. JUST GET A PIECE OF PIZZA! I KNOW YOU ARE HUNGRY! But she probably didn’t want to get that perfect shoulder shawl saucy. I get it.

And so it carried on. Me watching people. (The man was intensely engaged in his work-cause he was supposed to be at work. Missed flight and all.) At one point I remember closing my eyes and putting my head in my hands and thought “God, there are SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, and I am supposed to believe that you know, and love them all. All of them. And this is just one corner gate, in one airport, in one spot on the planet. There are so many people HERE. So many people.”

I think-and stay-in my head so long I wonder some days if I will ever get out of the maze. But I thought a lot that morning. And I noticed that people are starkly different. Just different. Our outward differences are obvious-the color of our skin, the shapes of our bodies, the way we sit and walk and carry ourselves. The way we engage our neighbor, and the way we move towards the people we love. Even the way we wash our hands in the bathroom. We just are and do things differently.

I also noticed that we are starkly alike. That all the things we do differently are just details. That the blueprint from the beginning of time hasn’t changed. Our skin is different, but we are covered with skin. Our faces have the same functioning parts, just the details vary. We all (mostly) walk, sit, talk, stand the same way. There are variations to this of course, but the majority are a carbon copy of motor movement. We all also universally feel things. We feel sadness, we feel happiness, we know belonging and we know isolation. We know failure and we know victory. We know when love is real and when it is fake. We know what physical pain feels like and we know what emotional pain feels like. This may be the greatest unifying thread among us all. We can’t escape feeling the world as we experience it. How we handle all of that-well like I said. Details.

We are all people hustling, laughing, sleeping, and stressing.

And it is impossible to look attractive eating pizza.

I felt it sharp-knowing that I separate myself from people. I do it. I choose. I judge. I expect. I see what I want to see and hear what I want to hear. I protect myself. I know this is what we do. I know we, even more than ever, separate ourselves into camps of safe people. To camps of people who will not challenge our beliefs or argue with the safety of our theological perimeters. We buddy up with parents who parent the way we do and soap box on the same soap boxes we carry. We stay safe. The other side requires us to feel too much-to question too much-to love too deep.

The other side requires me to give the chick buying water a break. And recognize that the two of us are, from creation, more alike than different.

I think this is why God can see and love us all. He never intended for the us to be so vastly different, as we are not to him. If you remove all the details, his workmanship looks alike over and over.

I have had people in our circle preach fear. The end times. All that mess that scares people who hear it out of context. I have had many people call me naive for pushing kindness in my posts, for looking past our differences to really LISTEN AND HEAR the person on the other side of an argument or disagreement. I have been accused of watering-down the good word and giving people the benefit of the doubt. Hear me when I say, I know no other way.

The Jesus who lives in me years ago took this heart of mine and infused it deeply with a love for the oppressed, the voiceless, the overlooked, the judged, the categorized, the ones our churches invite on marquees but shun with body language outside the church doors. I’ve tried not to rally for these people. I have tried. So many times. But I must. And when I flip the coin and do something like wrongly judge a chick in a line, I feel it. Deeply. If you were to know me 10-15 years ago, then you would know this makes no sense. I wasn’t bubbling over with acceptance and kindness. Then He does stuff like stick me in an airport to remind me of all this.

And if, if the worst comes and my extension of love ends in a way that I am harmed or my family is harmed, then I will stand before Jesus and know I did exactly as he had instructed me to do-as he prompted me to do. I will die teaching my children and preaching kindness, love, love that does not have strings attached, and that we are more alike than different. So we can rest in that. And to fear not-because the God that loves us so well did not give us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I will die preaching the goodness of King Jesus, of his kindness, and of his unrelenting ability to hang in there with us as we feel and experience the nasty, hurtful, crazy stuff of this life.

And now you know. I will not fear God’s creation. The only thing I have left is to perfect trying to love them. All of them. As well as I can, as God leads.

All of this, from missing a flight.

I hope you read this blog and feel encouraged. I’ve said before, it is crazy to me the amount of people who read my writing. This will be what I write about. I hope you stay. I hope you look at a stranger today and notice your similarities. I hope you smile at them. I hope you recall what a wreck you were, or are, before Jesus got a hold of you. I hope you let go of fear. Or at the very least, I hope you think about all this stuff.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. ~2 Timothy 1:7~

I have to write this because I know someone will challenge me. I know there are evil people in the world. Terrible, evil, extreme, and downright mean people. I know this. I know there are extremely dangerous places, situations, and again-people. I have the common sense, wisdom, etc not to actively engage or provoke these individuals to do harm to those I love, or myself. What I am talking about above is choosing to let go of our fear of everyone because of the few, or of choosing to classify everyone because of a few. And still, in the very rare event I lose my life or get hurt for opening myself up, so be it. Jesus lost his life over it. Gave it for messed up people. For people who would still be bad. Reckless, crazy behavior. Reckless, crazy love.

Like this:

You see this girl? I see her. She is so tired. DOG TIRED. I don’t know the last time she showered. Standing there holding her precious baby boy. Her baby boy that had moved across the country twice-never quiet developing a consistent sleep pattern.

You can’t see her belly. It is swollen with life again-her baby boy is resting on another baby boy growing inside of her, two weeks from being born. She is so tired. Her body has been poked and pushed and monitored weekly to assure that life would be birthed, one last time, from her. She is working so hard to keep everyone alive, born and unborn, and yet she is stitched together by the panic and fear that she is slipping into the cracks of herself. That soon-she will disappear. Her stitching is unraveling.

Man I see her. I want to grab her and hug her although I know she will smile and say “everything is fine.” I want to sit her down and look her in the eye and say “girl-you gotta dig down and find your nerve, cause something nasty is coming.” I would use the word nerve because defined it means firmness or courage under demanding or trying circumstances.

And demanding and trying circumstances were coming.

I want to talk to her. So much I would say ::

Hey-I know you are scared. You have never been so scared in your life. I know how often you cry and that your brain can’t string together a coherent thought.I know you are terrified of the darkness in your heart. I know you want to drink this away. I know you are living the biggest lie of your life. I know you are telling everyone you are fine. I know you are pushing people away. You’ve told that lie so often that it has become your truth.

Because you keep waiting for God to be enough.

And guess what sister-He isn’t right now. He isn’t going to be enough. Because you need professional help. He is there in the help. You will realize this a little late.

You aren’t going to sleep for a few years. You aren’t going to take care of yourself. You aren’t going to ask for help, or answer questions honestly when people get too close.

You are going to fall into a black hole that is so consuming and sticky and raw that there will be days that exhaling for a breath will be a chore because the anxiety in your lungs will be suffocating you.

You will feel everything. All of your feelings will move inside of you like a porcupine-the quills flaring and poking you at the first sign of unrest. Your emotions will commandeer your stomach, your mind and your marriage.

You will stare blankly at your husband and tell him what you have repeated to yourself-

“I am dying. Everything that was good and alive in me is gone. There is nothing left.”-

The fear will still linger-but you will find your nerve and step right into it. Because being brave is just that-stepping in and through the fear.

You will have the hardest conversations you’ve ever had with God, and He will listen. And then, He will show up. He will tell you to get out of bed, to ask for help, to open up, to take time to be with Him. He will not apologize for the mental Hell you are in. He will push you to seek Him, then He will send help. Through people. The people you shut out. He will make you brave.

YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. YOU HAVE TO PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER and FIND STRENGTH FOR THE DAY. This is why ::

You WILL WAKE UP and inhale without the pressure of your life stopping you. The cloud is going to break, you will feel joy and hope again, you will love your children fiercely and you will sleep. They dark places in your heart will be reconciled and you will begin to look forward to your future.

Your mind will release you back to normalcy and your thoughts will not be so terrifying. You will let people see inside of you, and it will be OK. They won’t run away.

You will still love your husband.

And one day you will see a picture of yourself that will bring you to tears.

BECAUSE WE MADE IT. WE DID NOT DIE. YOU WILL NOT DIE.

Not because of this anyway.

Oh-and I love you. So much. And am so very proud of the woman you (we) are becoming. YOU MAKE ME BRAVE, BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO.

Hi friends! When I saw the above picture of myself yesterday it provoked a very emotional reaction. I thought about what I would say to her-putting together a list of things that would help avoid the depressive nightmare I found myself in. But then I thought that was counter-productive to save myself from a story I was writing with God. Maybe my experience can help you though-

Looking back on the past three years, I have learned a few hard lessons for people who find themselves in the clutches of depression. FIRST-I should have told the truth. The end. Please, please, if you are hurting deeply, ask for help. Tell the truth when someone asks how you are doing. SECOND-and equally as important-follow through with getting help. After I finally went to see my doctor and started meeting regularly with my therapist-things drastically changed. THIRD-get up. Just stand up. Go to the bathroom. Do one thing-just one thing-at a time. All of the one things will add up to a full day of not laying in the bed. This is really-really hard to do some days. FOUR-EAT. If you are having a good day-eat healthy. On bad days-eat something. Eating is important. Healthy eating will be a game changer. LAST- Go outside. Go anywhere. Exercise. Move.

The biggest one here though-TELL THE TRUTH.

-so much love to you in the trenches-

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I know many of you are fighting through your own mess. Whatever it is that is requiring you to be brave-I hope this song helps. Though the blog has evolved the heart of it was to share amazing worship music with powerful lyrics.

There is a lyric that says “you call me out beyond the shore into the waves.” I have felt like this over and over since having Liam and Jude, but if Jesus is calling me out into something nasty-at least I know he will be there with me.

And His love-in wave after wave-crashed over me and saw me through. He is amazing.

I hope you love this song.

~You Make Me Brave-Bethel Music Live~

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

Jamie and her husband Cale are the kind of people you just find yourself wanting to hang out with more. I asked Jamie to share her story of faith and fear and am so excited to have her on the … Continue reading →