On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

"Being human, having your health; that's what's important."(from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?"(from: The Eccentric Family )Avatar: Such an angelic fascinator you're wearing, Shinji! (details); Past avatars.Can't wait for 3.0+1.0? - try Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

As the two battle fleets made stately progression towards each other in the gentle morning breeze, Admiral Villeneuve made a signal. Having read the flags the midshipman on duty rushed to Lord Nelson and said “I don’t understand the flags sir – With water, it is time.”

Nelson decided to check the signal. Having considered the signal Nelson turned to the snotty and replied “No, you need to read the signal in the original French – A l’eau, c’est l’heure.”

I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!Avatar: "There's a Starman, waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet me, but he thinks he'd blow my mind."Phew, I’m not tense anymore… now I’m just miserable.People say "be yourself" but that's bad advice, if we were all to "be ourselves" many of us would stop wearing clothes. -Chuckman

Misato: Look, Shinji, you’re obviously upset about Kaworu.Asuka: So, we’ve decided to come over here to help you out.Shinji: I’m not upset.Misato: Shinji, we found you in the park, throwing rocks at couples.Shinji: WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY!?

I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!Avatar: "There's a Starman, waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet me, but he thinks he'd blow my mind."Phew, I’m not tense anymore… now I’m just miserable.People say "be yourself" but that's bad advice, if we were all to "be ourselves" many of us would stop wearing clothes. -Chuckman

Ray wrote:Misato: Look, Shinji, you’re obviously upset about Kaworu.Asuka: So, we’ve decided to come over here to help you out.Shinji: I’m not upset.Misato: Shinji, we found you in the park, throwing rocks at couples.Shinji: WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY!?

This needs a comic strip

Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.

I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!Avatar: "There's a Starman, waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet me, but he thinks he'd blow my mind."Phew, I’m not tense anymore… now I’m just miserable.People say "be yourself" but that's bad advice, if we were all to "be ourselves" many of us would stop wearing clothes. -Chuckman

There once was a Roman named Claudius. One day, he found that recent linguistic developments in Vulgar Latin had obsoletized his favorite verb. He decided to see how it was doing in the Spanish State Penitentiary for Archaic Words.

On the form he filled out for the local governor, detailing his reason for travel, he wrote "To visit my favorite verb in prison."

When he received his paper of approval from the official, he saw that his reason for travel had been simplified to the following 2 words:

"CONJUGAL VISIT"

My first fanfic: Neon Genesis Craig-InsertionKyoko's Melons: Currently being completely rewritten, so... if anyone liked it so far, great. I did too. But... not enough. ;)

I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!Avatar: "There's a Starman, waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet me, but he thinks he'd blow my mind."Phew, I’m not tense anymore… now I’m just miserable.People say "be yourself" but that's bad advice, if we were all to "be ourselves" many of us would stop wearing clothes. -Chuckman

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”The horse ponders for a minute and responds “I don’t think I am”.And poof he disappears...

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

"Being human, having your health; that's what's important."(from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?"(from: The Eccentric Family )Avatar: Such an angelic fascinator you're wearing, Shinji! (details); Past avatars.Can't wait for 3.0+1.0? - try Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

Saw this one on reddit, and couldn't resist (it also prompted me to google Heisenberg, and be secretly ashamed I didn't get that):

Heisenberg, Schroedinger, and Ohm are in a car.They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?''No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?''We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

My first fanfic: Neon Genesis Craig-InsertionKyoko's Melons: Currently being completely rewritten, so... if anyone liked it so far, great. I did too. But... not enough. ;)

( you only get this joke of you're both a DBZ fan and a Boondocks fan)

I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!Avatar: "There's a Starman, waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet me, but he thinks he'd blow my mind."Phew, I’m not tense anymore… now I’m just miserable.People say "be yourself" but that's bad advice, if we were all to "be ourselves" many of us would stop wearing clothes. -Chuckman

What do you call a fish with no eyes?Blind, disabled for the rest of his short, miserable life, and will likely be mocked, patronized, and discriminated against for his crippling lack of sight.

A horse walks into a bar. The man riding the horse notices that said bar was clearly visible and the horse should've been able to see it clearly. He hops down off the horse, pushes it away from the bar, and into the sunlight, and takes a good look at it. The horse's eyes are both pointing in opposite direction and it's foaming at the mouth. The man unholsters his revolver and shoots the horse dead.

*Knock knock*"Who's there?""Orange""Orange? Orange who?""Orange Simmons, FBI, we'd like to ask you a few questions. Please come with us sir. Have you written a will?"

Fuyutsuki sits at a table, making loud crunching noises as he eats. Gendo enters. "Fuyutsuki, are you ready to begin Final Impact" "Certainly, I'm just finishing breakfast" Gendo looks at the table to see small orange crystals scattered on it, then looks at Fuyutsuki with immense anger. "You ate the Key of Nebuchadnezzar!?" Fuyutsuki calmly replies, "Yes". Fuyutsuki stands, and projects a ridiculously powerful AT Field, killing Gendo immediately. Fuyutsuki giggles like an idiot as Weekend At Bernie's-style shenanigans ensue, followed shortly by the end of the world.

Once, a man wanted to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion, as he had never seen it before. Unfortunately, a complete DVD box set would cost way more than it should on a used market, and it's not like he speaks Japanese so he can't get the Japan exclusive Blu Ray releases. Starchild are so damn greedy that they're charging out the ass to licence the show and it's two films for release and distribution outside of Japan. The man realizes this, and is forced to illegally pirate the show to even watch it.

I've reached a point where I just generally don't give a fuck anymore. In a good way.