There's always a dissonant stream of thoughts in my head. Welcome to the conversation.

Monday, June 21, 2010

When I Want Your Opinion, I'll Give It To You

It's my vacation so I can peep in and out as I please and so here I am. I want to offer some information about the past few days (I'll skip this morning when a walk from the park culminated with my arriving home finding my car gone, having been seized by the marshal's office for unpaid parking tickets and I'll skip the $688 it took to get it back and the nonsensefuckery conversation I had with a representative from Citifinacial Auto (side bar: is a brain no longer required to work in cs. has this become a read this spiel job) with an update of I love him gate. Things did not go as planned. I left a message, devoid of all of the marvelous emotional splendor that took over my soul and I went the safe route. I, in all my glory, was anticipating an after work call...at least. I imagined hugs and searing looks, conversations and the dribble of words previously left unspoken. I was afforded a nap (Thank God) which gave me a relief from the anxiety that had me practically climbing the walls. Post nap, I was relaxed but I worked myself into a frenzy so I had to escape. With my makeup already removed and my hair flattened by my nap, I threw on my Maxi dress, some clear gloss, and my denim jacket then sprayed my hair to give it some life. Grabbing my journal, a bottle of water, the latest Allure magazine, four cookies, cheese crackers and my purse, I headed to the airport. Now I know I pack way too much junk and junk food but I was desperate for distractions. Oh, and if you're wondering why the airport, its because I was going to watch the planes land, of which I saw none! So there I sat, watching the sky sans activity, seat pushed back and legs huddled up in said seat. I listened to Trouble Sleeping and Call Me When You Get This several times. My phone never rang and I purposely switched to ring so I'd miss nothing. There were no texts, no acknowledgement. At 12:44 I packed it up but I couldn't go home./ I had John ( Legend not Mayer) with me and he kept promising to make it all better. I drove past my exit, hopped on the LIE (eastbound - this was an important decision- deciding which highway to cruise) and I drove and drove -- until I was certain he wasn't going to call. I drove home and after looking for a parking spot - no easy feat in my hood in the midnight hours- I packed up my uneaten cookies, unread Allure, unwritten in journal and undrank water and went into the house. Last night, or should I say early this morning (Saturday morning) was better than today. In the sun's glare my heart ached. Tomorrow is Father's Day and he's a dad. I will not be offering any well, warm wished. To quote John ( Mayer not Legend) I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there.

Next Day
As I sat in my bed last night, tossing and turning, seeking a position that offered a semblance of comfort, my phone vibrated. It was 10:30ish...truth be told, it was 10:31. I remember. It was HIM and for a moment I felt relief and a passing excitement because somewhere between the banter I realized something. My heart wasn't fluttering. Now let me be clear, I was happy to hear from him and I did have my happy smile one, though not my I'm sooo happy my cheeks hurt smile. We're supposed to meet today...nothing fancy or exciting, just a run of the mill, after work 15-20 minute face to face and it is then I will know. Know whether all this "love" I've been feeling and talking about is real or remnants of what we once shared. There have been 38 months, 1 baby, jobs, disjointed connections and several romanticized memory in that time.Today I'll know for certain but I have a nagging suspicion that God has set me free.

6/20 22:49

Perhaps my first clue should have been when I was told I'd receive a call today that never came. HA! The joke is indeed on me. How do I feel? I feel like I just got played. I'm not sure what the reasoning is (in the interest of full disclosure I was told the reason a call wasn't received on Friday was because work went down until 0200hrs) but I'm really no interested in excused because it's not that serious. I just want the world to know that I got played. I feel like throwing on Smoove from Menace II Society. She can gyrate through my kitchen (where I'm writing this) explaining to me that I know I've been played. It probably nothing sinister, the reason I'm sitting here rather than catching up with and old friend/homie/lova/fiance but DAMN. Okay, I'm off to put on jammies and remove the 3 coats of mascara I'm wearing.

6/21 00:00.
Upon rolling over, mascara still on, I noticed I missed a call. I guess I was wrong. Oops. Yes, I am fully aware that this post is insanely long and I tend to act out in a semi child-like knee jerk fashion but let's not forget the title of this post. Until we meet again...