July 29, 2008

Peters claims vindication as trust opens books

After intense media scrutiny the Spencer Trust has published details of its financial transactions over the last five years, prompting New Zealand First leader Winston Peters to demand an apology from the media and an acknowledgment that the allegations made against him regarding the trust were false.

The trust is administrered by Winston Peter’s brother Wayne Peters and it became a subject of speculation when millionaire property developer Sir Robert Jones revealed that $25,000 he had donated to New Zealand First had gone to the Spencer Trust. Winston Peters has denied that the trust has any involvement with himself or his party.

Copies of the trust accounts were released to the media by Wayne Peters this afternoon. While none of the trust’s expenses can be linked to New Zealand First some items on the list have raised eyebrows, including:

$235,000 to locate the remains of Russian psychics killed in classified KGB experiments, disinter corpses from secret military graveyard and transport their brains to an undisclosed address in New Zealand.

$180 – one year subscription to ‘Turf Digest’, recipient unnamed

$703,000 for five hundred miles of chain fencing and razor wire, referred to in trust accounts as ‘containment pens for survivors’.

$95,500 for dish time on the VLBI telescope array in Chichijima Japan for sending and recieving messages into deep space.

$800,000 – materials and labour for ‘Ragnarok Dimensional Gates’ to allow infinite [redacted]; gates to be constructed in all New Zealand urban areas.

Wayne Peters has refused to explain what the purpose of the Spencer Trust is. ‘But let’s be very clear,’ he said. ‘This trust has no political agenda.’

Winston Peters has called for the national media to apologise to him and tender their resignations. ‘Clearly they have made wild and unfounded allegations that have no basis whatsoever. There was never any suggestion that there was anything out of the ordinary here and the facts have shown this to be the case.’

The New Zealand First leader would not comment on allegations made by former members of his staff that he has forged an alliance with a race of malignant extra-dimensional beings known only as ‘the c’.

‘I have spoken with party officials and they have advised me that I am under no obligation to discuss my negotiations with the c or any other demonic entities,’ Peters told a press conference this afternoon.

Peters refused to confirm or deny that the c have pledged to destroy all sentient life in the universe, challenging journalists to ‘ask them yourselves’.

Prime Minister Helen Clark was also reluctant to be drawn on the rumours that Peters intends to assist the c in their endless crusade of extermination.

‘If that member has entered into an unholy alliance with insane all-powerful, diabolic 128-dimensional beings from beyond time then he has done so as the leader of New Zealand First, not as a minister of the government,’ Clark said in a Newstalk ZB interview. ‘I would no more expect Mr Peters to explain his plan to betray and annihilate our species than I would for John Key and the hollow men of the National Party to explain their own secret backroom deals.’

‘However if Mr Peters does bring about the destruction of our race then that will obviously have a negative impact on the electorate,’ Clark added. ‘I think this is then a matter for the court of public opinion.’

National leader John Key has demanded that the Prime Minister challenge Peters on the details of his deal with the c and to confirm or deny that in exchange for his betrayal of humanity he will be allowed to remain alive, his lifespan satanically extended and left to reign over a dead planet strewn with rubble and corpses. However, Key has refused to rule out making a post-apocalypse deal with Peters.

Hi Danyl, I’d say this is your best one yet! (Just squeaked past the Three Gang Rapes and You’re Out.) Keep on with the good work – and thank God that my coffee has one of those lids that keeps it from spilling!