Josh's Journal

I used to keep journals, when I was a kid, but I stopped for a while. I never really liked it, I guess. I'm pretty sure my mom was reading it anyway, so it wasn't really a good place for my deepest, darkest secrets. It was just something that some parenting book my mom read suggested I do after my dad ran out on us.

Now seems like a good time to start again. I'm a senior in high school now and basically this is my peak. Maybe it sounds a bit pessimistic, but I'm not stupid. I know that no one from this shit town ever becomes anything. Even the smart ones go to college and then end up back here. Iola, Texas: It sucks you in and it keeps you. We should put that on a billboard.

I'm a football player for a team whose only claim to fame is having the longest losing streak in the district. The town has high hopes for me. I hit a growth spurt and now I'm six foot two, the tallest guy on the team. I bulked up over the summer from both work outs and manual labor around town. The coaches noticed and as I write this I'm on a long as hell bus ride to a training camp on a college campus. Not exactly how I'd planned on spending my eighteenth birthday. It's not so bad though, the cheerleaders are with us. Coincidentally, there's a workshop for them on the same campus.

The cheerleaders are definitely paying more attention to me than before. I'm alright looking, I guess. I have blonde hair that I keep cut fairly short, but I let it grow a little more than I normally do so it curls at the tops of my ears. What they like, though, is my green eyes. The only good thing my dad ever gave me. But still, I'm just an average guy. Around here, that's good enough though.

I'm not sure if I'm going to take advantage of my popularity with the ladies. The cheerleaders are all attractive, just none of them really catch my attention. They're all kind of bitchy and none of them are pretty enough to make putting up with that worth it.

Wow, that last part made me sound like a douche bag.

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Checking into the hotel was hell, especially since all the cheerleaders wanted to play like they were delicate flowers and needed my help in particular with their luggage. I kinda got tired of their high pitched squeals. They poked out their butts in their little short shorts and called for me, "Josh! Josh!" I'd look at them. "Help me with this, please? I just have so much stuff!" Then they'd giggle. It's really annoying and I don't see why girls think that's attractive.

The room is really nice. Like really nice. The bathrooms have Jacuzzi bathtubs. They don't have stuff like that back home. My roommate hasn't arrived yet, I wonder if maybe I'll end up getting this room to myself.

I already claimed the bed closest to the door, just in case.

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Well, looks like I'm sharing a room after all. As it turns out, I did originally have the room to myself, but there was an issue with some of the other guys.

Coach knocked on my door and he looked exhausted. He explained the situation to me and then went into some spiel about as the team captain, I have to set the example. I ended up agreeing and that's why Ayden, the only gay kid in school, is now dropping his bags on the bed next to mine.

The training camp requires that all teams bring their own water boys, I guess to save the effort of finding volunteers. We usually use players from the junior high football team as our water boys, but there was another rule saying all attendees must be in high school. So, I guess hoping to kill two birds with one stone, the coaches found a water boy and found a way to keep the gay kid out of athletics by offering him a P.E. credit to be our water boy for the season.

I'm not nearly as homophobic as my teammates, so I don't care that Ayden is gay as long as he stays in his own bed. I've never talked to him, but I'm thinking about it. I just feel kind of bad for him. No one ever really talks to him except to make some derogatory slur at him when they're pushing him around. "Fucking emo." "Fucking faggot." "Burn in hell, dick sucker." I don't see how he can take it.

Ayden isn't really paying attention to me. He just went into the bathroom without saying a word. His stuff kind of smells like cat, but it's not too bad. I just heard the shower start.

I did end up talking to Ayden a little bit after he came out of the bathroom. When he came out of the bathroom, his jet black hair was wet and I noticed a glinting surgical steel industrial in his right ear. Ayden is the only guy with piercings I've ever seen. I've never noticed the industrial before, but I have noticed the snakebites. Kinda hard to miss the black metal on his lips. I guess I like how it looks, but I could never pull it off.

"Did that hurt?" I asked.

I think I startled the kid, because he took a second to realize what I meant. "Oh...kinda," he mumbled. "I just got it. Today's...uh, my eighteenth birthday so..."

"Mine too," I said.

He smiled vaguely at me. I'd never seen the kid smile before. He looked really different. He'd changed into pajamas and it was weird for me seeing him in something other than the tight jeans, studded belt, and band T-shirts he normally wears. He dropped his dirty clothes in a heap on top of his Converse shoes. That irked me a little bit. I'm a very organized person. I decided not to say anything.

I'd never really looked closely at Ayden, so I started to. I'm always trying to be observant about other people because I want to be a school counselor. The first thing I notice is that he's really tiny. Like, probably the tiniest guy I've ever seen. When he was getting into his bed, I could see the little bumps of his spine against the material of his T-shirt. He turned to look at me and I was caught staring.

"What?" he snapped.

I wasn't sure what to say. I just looked away and then back, realizing I've never even seen both the kid's eyes. I always thought his eyes were brown, because that's what color the right one is. But now that his left eye wasn't covered with his bangs, I could see that it was blue. "Your eyes..." I said.

He blushed a little. "It's called heterochromia," he explained with a sigh as he rolled over.

I guess that could have been seen as teasing, but I wasn't trying to. I think it's kind of cool.

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The first day of camp was pretty awesome and after it was over, some of the guys and me snuck to a college party. They're all drunk, but I'm not because it would be suicide to have a hangover for tomorrow. That would be brutal. I'm worn out as it is and I want to take a shower.

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Damn, I really don't know what to write. This is embarrassing as hell.

So I went to take a shower, but I didn't know Ayden was already in there. The door wasn't even closed completely. He was in the tub with the jets running and his eyes were closed.

Now for the embarrassing part...He was jacking off.

I kind of just froze. He hadn't noticed me at all so nothing was snapping me out of this weird trance. I like...I just stood there and watched his fist go up and down. Like I couldn't move away.

The image is kind of like burned in my mind. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. He's got a bigger cock than I expected on such a tiny guy. I finally snapped out of it when he finished the job. He kind of arched up out of the water and bit at his lip. Then he gasped and came. White strings of his stuff coated his pale stomach up to his little pink nipples. He sighed and started to open his eyes.

I backed away and ran to my bed, hoping he hadn't seen me. I dived on it and pretended to be asleep as he finished up his business and came out of the bathroom.

I laid there for the longest time, pretending to be asleep. He didn't say anything to me. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me.

I'm freaking out here. I shouldn't have watched him as long as I did. And even reading back on how I described this whole thing is just...it's not like me at all. It's not something I should be thinking about.

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This morning I asked Chelsea out. She's got blonde hair and blue eyes and huge boobs. She's also head cheerleader, which makes her even more hot.