Thursday, May 26, 2011

Andy Dirks Looks Familiar To Me

It’s been a rough day. First, the Tigers lost to the Wes Welkah Nation Sawx 56-1. Then, I came home to find my apartment flooded, items including my bed ruined, and my landlord not caring much. I took all my wet clothing to a laundromat, only to be approached by a lowlife trying the old “need cash for gas” scam on me. Not a good day for that, dude. He looked kinda like Craig Monroe, actually. He might have BEEN Craig Monroe for all I know. But, I digress…

I then come online to try and forget about how much the Baby Jesus hates Your Party Host for a while, and am immediately annoyed by the amount of praise I keep seeing thrown at the feet of new Tiger outfielder, Andy Dirks. Really, people? Really?

Is it his .227 batting average? His .292 OBP? Perhaps his below league average OPS+ of 94. Is it how he pulled a Forrest Gump on his fly-out the other night? Oh, I know. He’s dived after a couple balls. He hustles. No one does that. He's so…I dunno…SCRAPPY.

And that’s just off the top of my head. These below average, underwhelming, white kids have all been thrust into the Majors by the Tigers the past few years. None of them have produced at an above average level as a Tiger. Matt Joyce is off to a good start in Tampa this year. But, fuck him. The best we can point to on that list is Boesch. Sadly, his best isn’t very good, I’m afraid. Last year, his OPS+ was 99. This year, it’s 101. Combined, it’s still 99. He is average-to-below average. And he’s our #3 hitter. It goes to show you how bad our division is that we’re currently in second place.

But where did all these clowns come from? How does our organization continue to produce nothing but shit at the non-pitcher positions? I mean, look at this team. Alex Avila is the only homegrown guy on this roster that is worth a damn and a month ago, I would have happily included him on this list. Maybe in another month, he’ll be back on it. Point is, with the draft coming up, I hope DD gets his shit together, quits jerking off every time he sees a college kid throw the ball 98 mph, and starts stocking the system with quality position players. Every other team seems to be able to figure it out. Why can’t the Tigers? Cloning the same untalented player and begging any Venezuelan free agent you meet to come to Detroit is just not cutting it.

But Dave’s not the only one to blame for this. I blame the fanbase, as well, for encouraging it. Brandon Inge is the world’s most popular Tiger. He’s white and terrible. He always has been. He always will be. My gawd, Don Kelly is an IMPROVEMENT over Inge at this point! That’s embarrassing on a level that none of us can even comprehend. But most guys on that list have the non-existent “intangibles” that Jim Leyland, DD, and Joe Tigerfan alike seem to love and celebrate. Look at the reaction to the mediocre Dirks. And Rhymes before him. And Clete before him. Etc. Hell, I’m even guilty, too. I’ve ridden the Anderson, Larish, and Sizemore trains to nowhere, myself. And when I made my first trip to the CoPa a week or two ago, the place was flooded with Boesch jerseys. If we don't demand better, why should they give it to us?

So, I’m sorry, Andy Dirks. Fool me six times, shame on…just shoot me.

Before I return to mopping my bedroom floor, I should note that before this trend emerged with the untalented white guy, it was the untalented minority in center field. Again, just off the top of my head, remember Nook Logan, Andres Torres, Alex Sanchez, Hiram Bocachica, Ernie Young, Wendell Magee, George Lombard, Gene Kingsale, Roger Cedeno, Juan Encarnacion, Luis Polonia, and Brian Hunter? Thank goodness Curtis Granderson and Austin Jackson finally ended that never ending story of suck.

Sigh. Long story short (too late), I have two points. One, my life sucks. Two, this draft needs to be different. But history has shown, neither thing is likely to change.

I think they're starting to look in that direction, as evidenced by the Castellanos pick last year. He's still many years away though, and even more unfortunate, when he finally does come around he'll likely be Inge's backup, because the little gnome will still be around.

Do Not Take This Blog Seriously.

The only thing I enjoy more than Detroit Tigers baseball is making fun of it and those that write about it. Most things you read here are meant in a humorous way. So do everyone a favor and lighten up. It's a joke. Oftentimes a bad one...

DesigNate Robertson was named after ex-Tiger pitcher, Nate Robertson and my hatred of his performances on the mound. He will be missed.

To those with an open mind and a sense of humor, I welcome you. Lets have some fun.