You may not find whining very attractive, but clearly, you're a big fan of needling. In your short time as the Michigan head coach, you've managed to get under the skin of everyone in the Southeastern Conference from Nick Saban to Gus Malzahn to Greg Sankey.

You've drawn more blood around here than a deranged mosquito on Red Bull.

Satellite camps in Alabama, Florida and Texas. Spring practice on spring break in Florida. What next? Your very own Michigan Media Day in Hoover? A Big Ten spring meeting in Destin?

Come to think of it, there's another way for you to stage a guerilla strike into the heart of SEC territory. It's totally within NCAA rules, and there's nothing Saban, Malzahn, Sankey or anyone else could do to stop you.

It's as simple as this: Pick up your cell phone. Call Bill Clark. Schedule a game against UAB at Legion Field.

Sign a contract, then sit back and enjoy the fireworks.

Question of the day: Does anyone find whining to be attractive? Just curious.

If you think taking your shirt off in Prattville stunned the locals, imagine arranging to take your team into the belly of the SEC beast in the heart of football season - without actually taking on an SEC team.

You'd be parading the Michigan brand all over Birmingham, the home of the SEC office, an hour away from Tuscaloosa and a couple of hours from Auburn. Not to go all Chamber of Commerce on you, but Birmingham in the fall can be as balmy as Bradenton in the spring.

You'd be helping a UAB program that a lot of people in the area fought to bring back from the dead, earning you some positive publicity from coast to coast. Not to mention, in case you're unfamiliar with the particulars, you'd be meeting a UAB program that Alabama refuses to play even though they're part of the same university system.

You'd be demonstrating that, unlike some Power 5 programs we could name, you're willing to travel anywhere and everywhere to do something good for FBS football as a whole that's not simply for your own benefit.

Of course, not that you would do it for this reason, but you'd also have the opportunity to see some really good high school football players on the Friday night before your game with the Blazers.

Talk about a win-win.

I know you have some dates to fill in the coming years. So does UAB. Even though the reborn Blazers won't play again until 2017, the way Clark's been recruiting, they won't drag down your strength of schedule with the playoff committee. If you're not careful, they could knock you off.

But you don't seem like the kind of coach who's afraid of a little competition, and you're obviously a major proponent of confrontation. Can't think of a better combination than this:

Michigan at UAB at Legion Field.

Make it happen, and I can guarantee you one thing. You'll make everyone here in the Heart of Dixie crazy.