Recent News

SEATTLE—Introducing the latest seasonal drink to its menu, Starbucks announced Monday that the company is now offering a new lukewarm coffee to help ease customers’ transition from iced to hot beverages.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assist victims still struggling from the devastating effects of Hurricane Maria, the Trump administration announced Monday that it was sending 30 million nothing to Puerto Rico.

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying Americans squandered the valuable resource on a massive scale, a study released Monday by Syracuse University found that flushing toilets wasted billions of gallons of piss and shit annually.

THE HEAVENS—Charging the supreme being with felony reckless endangerment, heavenly authorities placed the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, under arrest Monday for leaving His children trapped in an overheating planet.

MINEOLA, NY—Ashamed anew with each new thought that entered his consciousness, local man Paul Bridges reported Monday that he was filled with embarrassment about every opinion that he has ever articulated.

BEAVER DAM, WI—In an effort to justify the recent set of executive orders the president signed earlier this week to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, exhausted Trump supporter Phil Holt reportedly just decided Friday that massive cuts to healthcare subsidies were the reason he voted as he did.

NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking new study published Friday in ‘The Journal Of East Asian Studies,’ a team of leading historians has proved that meditation originally spread from ancient China because a single, highly annoying monk went around telling everyone how much it had changed his life.

NASHVILLE, TN—A new report published Friday by researchers at Vanderbilt University revealed that 17 new species of bacteria are discovered every day during expeditions into the lush plastic foliage of the world’s Rainforest Cafés.

BOSTON—Deciding against putting out the money to hire a service, local man Dylan Curtis reportedly told friends Friday that he was probably just going to move apartments by renting a U-Haul and having a nervous breakdown.

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‘If There Were Any Lingering Doubts, Rest Assured We Do Not Need Them Shown To Us’

WASHINGTON—Explaining that anyone with any lingering doubts could rest assured that the answer was an unequivocal “no,” women across the nation on Thursday clarified that they harbor no secret desire to see any of their colleagues’, acquaintances’, or complete strangers’ genitals.

STANFORD, CA—Having no choice but to discard the partial and unusable results, researchers at the Stanford Center for Sleep Sciences and Medicine were forced on Thursday to scrap yet another sleep study after participants were murdered in their dreams by a serial killer.

George Washington laid the cornerstone of the White House 225 years ago this week, and the building has undergone almost constant change and renovation since then. Here’s a timeline showing how the White House was built.

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Noting that he had spent a significant amount of time reflecting on the matter, sources confirmed Friday that 28-year-old local man Nathan Whalen, who has no real-life career goals whatsoever, knows exactly which job he’d want in the Harry Potter universe. “I definitely think I would be a wandmaker, because I like working with my hands and I consider myself a pretty good judge of character,” said Whalen, who has reportedly bounced around a number of entry-level positions over the past several years without devoting any thought at all to his long-term career prospects. “I used to want to be a potions master, but I think all those exact measurements would get kind of tedious after a while. Though, obviously, it would be great to have an office in the dungeon.” At press time, the man who has no clue how to change the oil in his car was speaking at length about the differences between the Nimbus 2000 and Cleansweep Seven broomstick models.