Friday, March 30, 2007

Well, alas, I have made it to Susanville in one piece, despite the fact Randy Swank cursed me saying I would die in the Donner Pass by sliding on snow and fly off a mountain. Much to my luck there was no snow on the roads but snow-a-pleanty on the sides of the mountains.

I woke up at 3:30 and headed out around 4:15 am to make it to Sacramento around 9ish to meet up with internet guy-pal Dave "Smith". He showed me a little bit of local color in Sactown by taking me to dine at Pancake Circus. It was interesting. It was hard to eat cos there were so many distractions. It was great.

After that I made it to Reno around 1 but I couldn't check in to my hotel till 3 so I hung out at the casinos for a bit. I forgot to get their version of an LA Weekly that was in the casino. Oh well. :(

And finally I made it to SUsanville in no time to meet up with Mein Booger. He was kind enough to let me use his computer so that's all good. Anyway, I'm gonna get going cos there's gonna be stuff happening later in the today.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Well, it is official. I have set a date to end my career, that being August 31, 2007. However, depending on situations at work it may be sooner, but that will be decided upon when the time comes. So I guess the appropriate thing to say would be I will be in Reno by the end of Labor Day weekend. I know a few people know about my job history but I always get hired around holidays for some reason. First job was around Thanksgiving. Second was around 4th of July. And the present job I started on Halloween. So I think there might be some luck somewhere around Labor Day for me. Har har. I'm trying to not really focus on finding a new job yet as I want to finish up things with my current job. But to everyone who wasn't sure if I was serious about this or not, yes I am. I am going to Reno. For sure. It's like this, if I stay in California, I will be without a job by the beginning of September, so, yea, I'm going. I'm excited. I haven't been this excited in a long time. I feel like I am about to do something great!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Today I got my first bikini wax. Wasn't the most pleasant experience in the world but it was interesting. I'd do it again it looks pretty damned good. They did the butt hole and everything except for my little racing stripe to make me not feel like some sorta creepy hairless thing. It's not as horrible as people made it out to be in regards to pain and that's coming from a person with a lot of thick ass hair and deep pores. Shit, my home bikini wax I did a few years ago was more painful but that's probably cos I didn't know what I was doing. All I thought the whole time is "this lady must really like what she does, causing white girls pain..." That thought made me laugh a lot throughout the process. Good times, good times...

Since last night's coming out, if you will, I have been having a whirl of excitement whenever thinking about moving. I am totally nervous because this is something that is all new to me, that being moving, going to another state, looking for work and a place to reside in unfamiliar territories, etc. But when I go online and look at apartments and DMV requirements and all that crap I just can't help but feel totally excited and motivated! I love it! I haven't been this happy in weeks! Before then, my life was hitting a downward spiral into depressionville and now I feel as if someone has thrown me a rope and is pulling me out of that whirlpool. It's an awesome feeling.

I just finished looking at some of the Nevada gun laws. It's crazy how much different it is than in California! Its like out here you gotta fill out a phonebook size set of forms, wait forever and a day, sign away your first born, etc. Out there there's like hardly any restrictions. A background check. Pfttt!!! Craziness!

I'm gonna have a lot of shit to have to deal with through the DMV and insurance and what not but that's nothing I haven't gone through out in California. I'm sure their DMV isn't as crowded.

I'm really looking forward to my drive to see Jesse this week! I can't wait to pass through Reno and drive around the town a little bit and check out where the good neighborhoods are and the ones to steer clear of are. I'll probably get lost but that could be a good thing.

I've decided if I can get a place that lets me keep pets I'm gonna get my pug. I don't know what to name it but I want one. Or a ferrit. But for Jesse's sake I might pass on the ferrit cos Lori says they smell like shit.

Anyway, I think I've done enough browsing for the night. I gotta prepare to go fishing tomorrow. On that note I say goodnight to all and September! September! September or sooner!

Friday, March 23, 2007

Life is weird. But I am a firm believer of the everything happens for a reason theory. I believe the following events of the last few weeks have been the jump start I need to move on with my life.

It was what, almost a year ago, that Jesse and I became real good friends and then started dating. It was a risk, but I took it and it worked out for the better and I couldn't be happier than having done that. I know I speak about this so frequently but I was in a bad situation for 5 years and I stayed there cos I thought that was what the world had planned for me. I was wrong. Very very wrong.

I am currently thinking of making another life altering decision and that is to move. It will be a big move. I will no longer be residing in the valley or California for that matter. No, after many months of toying with the idea, I have decided I will be spending the next phase of my life, if you will, in Reno. Nothing is set in stone as of yet. I don't have a job or a place out there and I have a lot of stuff I am committed to doing at my work (read: doesn't want to leave on bad terms like my old boss did who just showed up one day and left a letter of resignation and then split) before I make any drastic decisions. In all honesty, I don't think this is something I will be doing right away. I want to make sure I have a job and a place to live out there first. Then I want to make sure that at my current job we aren't in any busy seasons where Gavin will be swamped and have no help or that there's catalogs that need to be put out and no one is there to do them. I will give fair notice before doing anything so that there is a decent amount of training time and transition as to not cause any jolts in the work flow there. It's not in my interest to screw over the company, the people who work there, or the customers. I am thinking September will be my absolute cut off date. If I don't move by then, I doubt I will wind up going and I don't want to be around here longer than that. If I can leave before then though, great.

Thing is, I've been real depressed lately. The only person keeping me sane right now is Jesse and he's 500 miles away. I think about him day and night. I long to be with him. And seeing him for a weekend every so many months doesn't cut it. I've had falling outs with a lot of people and frankly I have no one here. I have my family but they will always be there for me no matter where I go. Lori is with Craig. My dad's going deaf and it's just hard to deal with that. My mom gets home late and usually is too tired to deal with anything. I sit in my room all night and lay in my bed waiting for Jesse to call. Sometimes I get impatient and call him. The only other thing I have here is my job. My job means a lot to me but a future with Jesse means a lot as well. I know that if I stay here there is a good chance when Jesse comes down he might not be able to find work out here. There really isn't a high demand for gunsmiths in our parts of California anyway. And as much as I love my job and the people I work with, I don't want that to be the only reason I am staying in California.

I need to be happy and I honestly think pulling myself out by my deeply embedded Van Nuys roots and planting myself somewhere different, somewhere new, a lot will change. My boss tells me all the time that I have to live things for myself to realize what's best for me and I can't tell you how many times he's been right. And this is one of those instances where I need to experience for myself failure to appreciate my successes in life. I have spent my entire life in Van Nuys. I work in Van Nuys. I rarely if ever get outside of my little bubble. People make fun of me for that and it's sad because I don't go anywhere or experience new things. I feel the need to want to just pick up and go and not care if I win or lose, succeed or fail, just go out and say I tried.

I seriously think I need to get away from this life. This old life. The one that keeps me down. I need a fresh start. I don't expect anyone to understand why I feel like I need to to this. I just feel real bad about my work situation. I have worked so hard to get to where I'm at and I feel like I would be disappointing a lot of people to just up and quit. I feel like I would be letting the company down. At the same time I can't let my worries about what other people think and feel interfere with my life plans. I know they will work everything out and they will be fine. I just will miss my coworkers a lot. They are like family to me as I see them every day for hours at a time. The thought of leaving them makes me sad but at the same time I am welcoming the idea of change in my life. This could be just like the leaving Matt for Jesse situation where a change was the best thing I ever did. And I'm hoping that will be the case!

My parents have assured me that should I fail I will be welcomed back home. But I am prepared for the worst. I have already decided I am not taking out any furniture other than my folding foam futon, computer desk and chair, and only bringing along necessities: tv, computer, clothes and shoes. Everything else in my life is being left behind as they are relics of the past. Well, I'll bring the guns, but that was a given!

I've weighed out the pros and cons and there are many more pros than cons. As of 4 months ago when I was at a 40% wanting to leave I am now at a 95% wanting to leave.

Cons: finding work/apartment, having to go to the DMV and transfer residential information, register vehicle, register guns, 3 months of no medical insurance.

I am looking forward to Reno. I hope to God that everything works out as planned. I hope I can do this and make it happen. So yes, as of tonight, I solemnly swear I shall be in Reno no later than September 2007. If not, kick me in the ass and tell me to go there! I welcome the changes the future has in store for me!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

It's not my place to talk, but why is it the goddamned best fuckin hard working deserving people get shafted in life while the fucking lazy ass motherfucker scumbags of the world get all the goddamned free handouts for doing JACK SHIT?!?!?! An old bitterness has been stirred up with raging passion...I am full of so much goddamn hate and anger right now at how fucking stupid so called "rational" people are. Where are their fucking brains?!?!? Are they so afraid of doing the right thing or are they really just that goddamned stupid??? I have nothing more to say on this.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Over the past few days I have come to the conclusion I am very close to my bed. It does not hate me, it does not discriminate me, it only welcomes me and is a security net of sheer and utter comfort. It has with held time. I've had it for 23 years. The mattress is super soft and there is a foam padding on top of it. Then it is covered with layers of blankets, sheets, and a down comforter. It is like I am sleeping in a big fluffy cloud. I love my bed and could spend the rest of my life in it if I could. But I can't so I will only enjoy the moments I spend in my fluffy cloud. I have visions of myself on a cloud pulling other parts of cloud over me when I tuck myself in, floating in the sky on my fluffy cloud, drifting off to sleep. Aaaah my fluffy cloud. All this talk of my bed is making me want to go lay down!!!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The desert is a place I go to clear my head and get away from all that is fake and evil in the world. There is nothing more than truth and beauty to experience there. That is as philisophical as this blog will get. Now to the good stuff.

Friday afternoon I got a hair up my ass to get away from the fakeness and false prophets that are in LA after random spells of depression and unbearable mood swings. No meds can cure that ruckus but a good spiritual kick in the ass will... and did. Anyway, around 3 or 4ish I booked a hotel and gathered a few belongings and necessities to go out on my journey. Somewhere along the 405 to the 118 (I travel the back way to avoid LA traffic) I get this hairbrained scheme to ask Lori to go with me since she's never been to the big AZ. She's still at work. She does not want to go but I pretty much convince her that in my depressed state it would be wise for someone to be with me to prevent any irrational decisions I might make. So she goes.

We go to Craigs house and wait forever and a half because she wants sand dabs and has to pack her luggage (a term I am not using candidly, no she packed luggage for an overnight trip...several clothing articles for various situations. Go figure.) None the less, we finally head out at 7:30 (way later than I hoped to leave!!!)

There are 2 stops on the way up to Arizona and only 2.

First stop: Beaumont. Baker's.We pull into the parking lot around 9:30. We've made fairly decent timing so far. This means we can eat inside and pee and take our time since all is going good. Inside it is ran by a bunch of old freaks and the guy who took our order was this young guy named Fidel and I was tempted to say "Thanks Fee-deeehl" after purchasing my food just cos his name reminded me of Fidel Castro and I wanted to goof on him for whatever unknown reason, but I was kinda tired and not really in the mood. Which sets me back for what happens next. Some hillbilly motherfuckers come in trying to be all LA hardasses. One is wearing a tuxedo with sunglasses on his head, the other looks like your Abercrombie posterchild in white board shorts and a blue shirt that says PEACE, LOVE & CRABS and the third looks like one of those Columbine kids. There's another guy and girl with them but they leave or something for whatever reasons. Lori informed me of their conversation:

Guy 1: It's like ass when you spread it, that smell...Guy 2: I'd just put some binaca on that shit...Guy 1: That'd tickle...

I kept looking at them the whole time they were inside and Lori wasn't thrilled about that. You know the look. The "are you some kind of dumb fuck?" look. Anyway, I'm sure had I not been too busy with my half-assed cheeseburger and actually heard that conversation, I would have made a remark and Lori would have got mad at me cos I'd somehow be embarassing her. None the less, that did not happen so she is fine. Enough of that...

Now in Baker's they leave no stone unturned when it comes to food. You have your choice of hamburgers, tacos, veggie wraps, and you can get them in large combos aka PAPA MEALS or regular sized combos aka MAMA MEALS. The restaurant colors are royal blue and orange. Their food is horrible and fairly expensive, yet they have more business than the Mc Donalds right next door. This remains a mystery still to both Lori and myself. Baker's are also sprawled throughout the 909 and nowhere else. There is probably good reasoning for that.

After Baker's we get back in the car and drive another 2 hours to the next stop.

Stop 2: Blythe. Chevron.Now I know what you're all thinking. Why Blythe and not Ehrinberg? Simple. When going up I do not feel like waiting forever and a half to get gas at the Flying J. Sure it's cheaper but I could care less about saving $0.30 per gallon if it's gonna save me 30 minutes of drive time.

When we pull up, some scuzzbag hovers around the car asking if he can wash our windows and I rudely tell him NO. He then goes off somewhere I don't see. I walk inside to pay and lo and behold who is there but Mr. Window Washer as well as some other cretins and they're mixin and mingling with the guy running the cash register. Where I come from, the gas station cashiers usually tell those kinds of riff raffs to fuck off and what not, but in Blythe, they welcome them. They even let them have a go at the soda machine. Fuck, I should have asked him to let me have some soda, he probably woulda given it to me. At least he let me use the employee bathroom instead of the scuzzy ass "public pay" bathrooms outside and around the corner...

We get our gas, Lori goes back to sleep, and we drive on.

Music: I spent probably 2 hours listening to Electric Six's Switzerland due to the fact my iPod battery was dying and we couldn't pick up any radio stations. Not even any AM! I'm not complaining, I'm just saying variety is a good thing on long drives.

2:15 AM: We arrive at the hotel. La Quinta. Spanish for everything and it's mother. There has been an error in my booking. I was originally set for a king bed, but the computers crashed and they said my room was showing up as Vacant Dirty. The guy behind the desk said he could get us 2 full beds, which Lori and I had no objections to at all. It was $10 cheaper and we got our own beds. I joked with Lori, who had to pee, that our room would be on the fourth floor at the end of the hall. Sure as shit, that's exactly where our room was. Around 2:30 AM we get all settled in and call it a night.

The next morning was kind of rough. We had issues waking up, but we managed to get out and going around 9ish.

Breakfast: Superstition. Waffle House.

Lori had heard rumors of the Waffle House, but never experienced it first hand. When she saw the sign off the side of Idaho Road, she screamed to pull over, so I did. Waffle House in Superstition is pretty bad ass. They were playing Johnny Cash on the jukebox. Lori and I got a big ass breakfast that included eggs, toast, a plate of bacon, a big ass waffle, and hash browns (mine had cheese mixed in.) I couldn't finish my food and it wound up giving me a stomach ache but it was good.

Afternoon Delight: Superstition. Goldfield Ghost Town.I took Lori out to Goldfield. We walked around and had to pee. I don't remember of any of the times ever going there the bathroom having two toilets, but it had 2 toilets. The weird thing was it was a single stalled bathroom. No walls. No partitions. Just toilets.

(TANGENT 1: Lori is regretting not letting me take a picture of her in Baker's with the goofy fuckers behind her now.)

After we peed together...side by side... sharing our special moment together... we headed off to the reptile museum.

(TANGENT 2: MY toilet that I got to use was sprayed with diarrhea. Lori says it looks like there was brown stucco inside the toilet bowl. I concur.)

We looked at the reptiles. That cool. Lori wanted to know what to do in case we got bit by a rattlesnake, but I told her that wasn't gonna happen, but she insisted on knowing anyway. And then she had to ask the at the counter who probably could give a shit why to keep the leg below heart level. Lori has had CPR training. This lady probably hasn't had more than a 6th grade education. She was also fat if that make a difference... Lori says for running a reptile museum she had N O knowledge at all. Lori learned more from the first aid poster on the wall (which yes, she did read. And below that poster was a poster which I probably should have taken a picture of but it says DO NOT TOUCH THIS ANIMAL and shows a rattlesnake and the tail with the rattle was circled in red to point it out.)

Before that, we had signed up to go horseback riding. It was almost 1 and that was the time we were scheduled to go. We sat around. The guys working there loved my Guns Don't Kill People...I kill People shirt and kept telling each other to look at my chest. Not my t-shirt, my chest. Granted I have small boobs. I don't it either...

While waiting for the rest of the 7 people to show up for the horseback ride, which is a whoooooole other story, just wait... there was another crappy gunfight reinactment (sp?) Wow. Where do I start. Ok, they clear the streets and do this gunshow thing. They do them like every hour or so but it seems more frequent than that. Basically at the end of the gunshows, the prostitutes kill the guys, whatever. Anyway there were these kids with these heffers up on the top of the hill watching the gun show and they were totally freaked out. The one kid looked like he was gonna start crying because I guess he thought the people actually WERE shooting each other and he was witnessing real deaths. Granted, this is a bizarre scenario. I mean, you can't tell me this kid didn't know this was fake. Seriously, if they really were killing people, does he think the whole town and tourists are gonna sit on the sides of the streets watching it and not do something? Those people had to be the people whose car was from Ontario cos I don't know of any other places pacifist enough to just watch a murder happen and not do anything, but enough of that. Here's a picture of the kids all freaked out. Lori got mad that I took their picture cos she was like, "They're gonna notice you!!!" She worries too much about what other people think. Who cares?

Speaking of dumbasses, this guy was posing and I took a picture of him too cos he looked so touristy. Lori says he reminds her of Balki from Perfect Strangers...

Finally like half an hour later the group of 7 people show up for the horseback ride. Just our luck it's a group of Japanese tourists who don't speak any English and keep saying Aaah John Wayne! Lori and I were confused as to why a group of Japanese people would come to Arizona and go to Goldfield. There's so much to this story it's fuckin loaded!!! I gotta break this one down.

1. Clothing.1/3 of the group had fanny packs. One of these aforementioned fanny packs looked to be the size of a jansport backpack plopped on the front of their body. It was hot pink. The other was a multitude of colors predominantly purple. 3/4 of them were wearing polyester in various forms. The elders were outta control with polyester. One lady was wearing khaki slacks with this white silk shirt with ruffles down front in gold and a design of Maltese dogs in baskets with some weird chain design that seemed out of place with the dogs cos it was like a nautical chain. It just made no sense! It baffled me! And I was behind her looking at this shirt for an HOUR! One old man was wearing a bright yellow polo shirt. They all had touristy looking safari hats on. I just shake my head in confusion cos I don't know what else to think about this!

2. Language.None of them spoke any English. One sorta did. She was the "interperator" as not one, but two ranch hands called her. One of the tour guides said "It's funny how they don't know English, but they understand sign language" and he rubbed his fingers together as if motioning out doling out cash. Me and Lori laughed. Up at the sign in station, the guy doing the booking was like "Koooh-neee-cheee-waaaaah! I've been to your country two times!" Lori thinks it was to bomb it. I told Lori it would be funny if he were speaking Japanese to them but they were of other Asian descent. But Lori confirms they're Japanese.

3. Horses and the Ride.They doled out horses. The guides pointed and said the horse name and when they called the horse, t he person who was given that horse was to come and get on it. They give this little old man the biggest fucking horse named Hank. He keeps saying AAAH HAAAHNK over and over again with a big ol' smile on his face. They would blurt out JAH WAAAHNE and they seemed to also understand the words Cowboy and Cowgirl. So at various points of the ride, the guide would turn around and go COWBOY! COWGIRL! and they would all wave. I think the guides felt sorry for me and Lori cos they let us pick up the rear so we didn't have to be around that ruckus. I feel kind of bad cos I didn't have much money to tip the guys and me and Lori were the only ones to tip them. Cheap ass tourists.

After the ride we went to the saloon and this drunk ass guy comes up to us and was like "You girls meet any cowboys yet?" and we were like "Yea at the horse rides" and Lori was like "You must be the town troublemaker" and I was like "You must be the town drunk" and the guy starts talking to the bartender "Tommy" about how he's a good guy, etc. but I think he eventually got the point to leave.

Lori and I then decided to head out to superstition and hike in the lost dutchman park. And of course we couldn't leave cos there was another goddamn gun fight. But we finally got out.

(TANGENT 3: There was this black Prius that was haulin ass down main street in Goldfield when we were waiting to go horseback riding. It didn't even break or anything for pedestrians and was totally out of place.)

(TANGENT 4: I'm trying to ask Lori for help remebering things and she's crashed out on my bed. I called her a Faggot. She grunts in anger.)

DUSK DELIGHT: Superstition. Lost Dutchman Mine Park.We came and left so fast we didn't even say goodbye. We were ready to hike up to see all of Phoenix from atop of the trail, but after my camera battery died after a few snap shots, I was bummed and decided we should just go home. I told Lori to get a rock for Craig because prior to us leaving Craig said there was nothing in Arizona other than crack and Lori to bring her a rock back. I mistook what he was saying, so no we did not bring a rock back. In fact, we didn't bring anything back for anyone. I did buy a bullet pen and Lori bought a wooden whale. A fucking whale!?! In Arizona!!! I shake my head in disappointment...

There is only 1 stop on the way home from Arizona and there is good reasoning for this.

Stop 1: Ehrinberg. Flying J.We go to the Wendy's at the Flying J. Lori orders a bacon burger with fries and a medium coke. I order some ham and cheese thing and a side ceasar salad and medium coke. After sitting Lori sees they put a Junior meal something something and she goes to have them correct it. Later they call our number and she gets the food. She sees my face and says "They fucked up your order and don't feel like dealing with them again. You're eatin fries." and she throws the tray onto the table.

Meanwhile, I spy a guy with a Meximullet and a murse. He's fat too if that matters. I took a picture of him and sent it to Jesse, but I don't know if he got it or not. Then these dipshit bros come in wearing lame ass board shorts and no t-shirts. I comment how stupid they look and Lori was like "Are you mad at the world? You seem to hate everyone!" and I was like "great no you too. No Lori, I'm not mad at the world. I don't pick on people to make myself feel better. I'm not bitter, I'm just an asshole." And Lori got all mad cos I was saying this in front of children. I don't give a shit if I cuss around kids. My theory is they'll hear it somewhere.

After we eat, we get junk food and stock up for the ride home. There will be no more stops. Wrong.

Here's why we don't stop outside of the Flying J:

We pull over at an ampm/Arco to pee. I get a little more gas when in Rome. While Lori is peeing, I spy a white Ford Explorer packed with black teenagers. It's 5:1 male:female ratio. I guess since there aren't any clubs out there, the hip thing to do on a Saturday night is go to the gas station and blast your music and dance in front of your car while everyone looks at you like you're some kind of damned idiot. It wasn't just me. I just had the balls to stare. I even tried to take pictures of it to send to Jesse but they didn't come out good enough cos of the glare. I called Jesse several times but my phone was acting up but he called me back and I explained to him the situation and he was like "Oh you don't need to send me pictures, I totally get the scenario..." And that's why we don't make multiple stops on the way home from Arizona.

We took the 101 home and there was this minivan covered in bumper stickers and the driver was holding what looked like a 20" wooden cross outside the window and his passenger was clapping and singing most likely songs of worship. Lori told me to stop looking at him and to watch the road. Damn distractions.

(TANGENT 5: For 2 miles on the 10 in Arizona we had to exit the freeway completely cos they were doing roadwork and it tacked on an extra 20 minutes to our ride home dammit! All the roads in Arizona were being worked on when we were out there. It sucked butt!!!)

(TANGENT 6: On the way home Lori and I were listening to some bad disco we were able to pick up on the radio. We were singing our hearts out to the passing cars MACHO MAN and IT'S RAINING MEN... which we heard like three times on various stations tonight!!!)

Anyway, we got home around 11:30 and I started blogging. Lori insisted I put pictures in this blog. Other random facts about our trip: it was 94 degrees. We ate a lot of junk food. I was running off of a lot of caffeine. I didn't pee as much as I normally do. I've had a weight of stress lifted from me. I feel much better now.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I don't feel like I receive the same love others get. In comparison I do not meet the standards. I truly feel unloved. I feel like I was never good enough. Like no matter what I will always be at the bottom of the totem pole.

I need a hug. Or an I love you. Or an I miss you. I just want to know that someone cares...

Some people need thousands of dollars to say fuck you. I don't. I've come to the conclusion there is a plethora of men in the world with small dicks who are insecure about it and hide behind their safety nets online or in gaming rooms or doing whatever they can to pretend to have some form of social interaction due to a lack of the ability to socialize in reality. They have little power trips that make them feel big like trying to act hard in chatrooms or blocking chatters etc.)

Anyway it amazes me how insecure some people are. I decided after 9 months of not chatting to go back to chatting online again where a lot of old chatters welcomed me and were curious as to what I was up to. Two chatters totally disapproved because they said I was "not welcome". Oddly enough, they were the only two who seemed to have those feelings. They easily could have just clicked on my name and hit the little "ignore" button if they hated me so much, right? But nooo. Instead they decide to say I got fat and ugly and say my boyfriend was a hillbilly who looked like Pee Wee Herman. The grown up thing to do... All the while I laughed. It was pretty funny. The fact they were more hurt by a break up than the person I broke up with and that almost a whole year later they still weren't over it. Amazing, absolutely amazing. We never dated. So why are they so hurt? It was rather pathetic on their behalves. My only conclusion is that they have too many insecurity issues.

It's interesting. Thousands of people break up every day. And granted, you probably will run into your ex one day. Shit I know people who still talk to their ex's and they actually did have messy break ups. Mine wasn't messy, I just didn't care anymore. So to those of you who are insecure about my existence on this planet, be warned: I'm not going anywhere. I'll stick with my big dicked hillbilly and you're just going to have to get over it. I have no insecurities, no regrets, and no remorse for ANY of my decisions. So to the few of you who are insecure and what not, I say this free thought

FUCK YOU

Friday, March 9, 2007

so i get a page today from the receptionist saying that i have a call from a diane from encino. i thought it was regarding some banners we were doing for them so i was like "ok i'll take the call". i get the phone and this lady was like "this is diane from azino (sp?) financial. im calling about yoru ***** account." and i was like aw fuck, right? so she was like "id like t o know what you're going to do about this." and i was like "ah, im actually not in a position to talk about this right now." cos gav was all ease dropping and shit. so i told her i'd "call" her back later and discuss it. so i pretended to get her "number" and hung up. stupid bitch. i then complained to the receptionist about how i hate people with thick ass accents cos i swore she said encino too till she said financial. i was tempted to hang up but oh well. how did this lady get my recent work phone number anyway? they have my old work number from like 5 years ago when we were still in the building on second street. bastadges.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

I remember that night sitting on my bed with you waiting for you to kiss me. It seemed like we were nuzzling each others noses forever before you finally did. And when you did it was everything I was hoping for in a kiss. The rest of that night was like some sort of vivid surreal memory. It was purely wonderful. All I have now are my memories of you till I can see you again.

I remember listening to the Eagles driving my car from shooting mere minutes before I sent out the email, smiling ear to ear as I looked at you and ALready Gone came on. You knew me better than I knew myself. But we both knew what was next and it was a good decision. Just another memory for me to hang on to till you come back to me.

Monday, March 5, 2007

tonight i had an actual moment of life regret. i was at the mall talking to me mums when i had told her i wished i had broken up with matt at the time i met jesse in the first place. that way i would have had more time to spend with him before he went off to school. i had shared this information with jesse, who said he was single at that time and just back from arizona and that had we probably met then we probably woulda been married by now. siiiiiiiiiigh. the thought of that tortures me! had i been single i coulda been a Mrs. Teague by now dammit (which is something i aspire to be one day!!!) oh how i regret staying with that fat ugly horrible fucker... oh well, i guess that's life.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

when we're separated by 500 miles and you tell me you will call me back or talk to me online and never do, i sit around waiting for you and it hurts when you don't show. and petty as it may sound, i post new pictures for you so you can see my face when you are gone. i wish you would comment on missing me. i know you're busy and you've got a lot of friends but it would mean the world to me if you could make some time for me in your busy life. even if it's just a minute. when i reach out to you answer back. that's all i ask of you. i love you but sometimes you hurt me my love. and on top of everything else, i don't feel like you love me as much as you've loved others.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

I have constantly been thinking about how awesome it would be if when me and Jesse go to Vegas we get married. I really REALLY want to be his Mrs. Jesse Daniel Teague. I love him and always have and just see a bright future for the two of us. I hope we one day get married and have a beautiful life together we both deserve. I wish for this all the time whenever I go in a tunnel. I hope one day my wish comes true. Hopefully that day will be soon...

Friday, March 2, 2007

I saw on the news tonight that a town in Walnut Creek California is boycotting the Easter bunny. Apparently a Jewish person claimed that it was not making the holiday "all-inclusive". Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Easter a Christian holiday? I saw Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ and I saw the Jews kill Jesus and if the Road Warrior says it's true then dammit it's true. Easter is a Christian holiday. You don't see Christian people complaining that Hanukka (sp?) or Roshahana (sp? again) aren't all inclusive. People need to chill and just leave things be.