Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Pull up your pants and pay attention. I meant underwear, not
trousers, because I know exactly what you’re doing and it’s not required for
this blog post. See the tricky language barrier that I just played with, between
US English and International English? It’s a cliché that whenever the British
and Americans talk, the subject will come up. And why not? It can be a good
ice-breaker and dialogue improves international relations, as evidenced by the
interactions between Brad and Dave in the adverts for Enterprise UK Car Hire
(aka Enterprise Car Rental).

No? Well, come on then:

See? Comedy gold! It’s taken the advertising world a
surprisingly long time to make use of this unique dynamic – or at least for it
to register on my limited radar. After the click we can find out more about
this hilarious comedy-duo character-act.

Friday, 19 October 2012

I’ve written before about vehicles with faces, namely Thomas the Tank Engine vs Tugs. Tugs won although it never enjoyed the same
success. But the work of Clearwater Studios is not the only time people have put
faces on inanimate vehicles. One of my favourite Tex Avery cartoons (and there
are a few) is Little Johnny Jet which is only five minutes long:

Ain’t it weird? Mr and Mrs Plane are shagging like rabbits!
After the click let’s find out more about living planes, trains and cars – and also
about the world’s most annoying helicopter.

Monday, 1 October 2012

Warning: this blog post is all about flowers. Pretty,
harmless and aromatic flowers. It also involves half-naked men with their
bulging shoulders, glistening chests and abs so sculpted you could grind meat
on them:

Which demographic do you imagine this is aimed
at?

It’s a shame they all look quite goofy and awkward but just look
at the biceps of that one at the back, in the knee high shorts and the
wellington boots. And the guy on the right with the curly hair? With the slight
stubble and shoulders so broad he could be used as a raft? Wait, what was I
talking about? Something about flowers? Alright, fine, after the click let’s
start talking about flowers or whatever.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

There are lots of forms of immortality. Humanity loves to
think and dream about it above all else. This might be motivated by fearing the
oblivion that awaits us when our bodies finally succumb to destruction or
inevitable entropy, but once you get past that there’s also the inconvenience. I want to see this crazy
ride through to the very end, whether that’s nuclear genocide next week or
transcending the material plane a billion years from now. I also want to see
everything that comes afterwards, like in that Future Is Wild
show. Indeed, being alive is like watching an incredible TV series with dozens
of characters that I really care about but knowing that I’ll probably die
before I find out how it all ends.

Naming no names…

Of course, for preference I’d rather witness all of human
history with a time machine. I could skip all the waiting around for the
future to happen and also witness the past too. But if my only option is the
slow way then I’ll take it. So let’s have a quick chat about the various slow ways,
after the click!

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Lactose intolerance is when someone can’t properly digest
lactose, a sugar found in milk, because they lack a specific enzyme. I too lack
that enzyme, along with an increasingly large amount of the global population. So
you can imagine how much attention I’ve been paying to Cravendale milk,
produced by Arla Foods UK Ltd. Hint: It’s less than one. But it turns out I’ve
been missing out on a bit of a phenomenon. A phenomenon of random-ass and
adorable stuff.

For several years, Cravendale used a trio of Cow, Pirate and
Cyclist to promote their filthy white gold. But eventually the time came to
retire these strange stop-motion figurines, which was a sad day:

But don’t feel too sad, friends. After the click we can find
out about the Cravendale cats – everybody knows the internet loves cats!

Monday, 20 August 2012

I’d like to have a quick conversation about my favourite
superhero. I know what you’re thinking. ‘What, the fish guy? The blonde surf-douche
with the fruity sequined top? No way!’

Stop laughing! Look at the whales!

But hear me out. Don’t focus on his time with the super-friends.
Even Batman was a little bit crap once upon a time – remember the days when he
wore light grey and sky blue? Played by Adam West? The same is true of Aquaman.
You just need to appreciate the potential. You don’t even know his real name,
do you? You know Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent and maybe even the various names of Robin. Aquaman has two real names. His Atlantean name is Orin. His human name
is Arthur Curry, adopted son of a lighthouse keeper. It's all quite confusing.

Read my 100% convincing 6-point argument that proves Aquaman is awesome, right after the click!

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

For the past year or so the advertising industry (in the US
especially) has been wading into the fight for gay rights vs the sanctity of
marriage or something. Adverts and brands are now banners beneath which armies
gather.

Before I talk about homosexual issues I feel like I should
qualify my feelings on the subject. Sexuality is like the sea: mysterious,
ever-changing, nearly impossible to properly measure, quite polluted and full
of sharks.

But if you’re careful you can jump those
sharks

If people want to connect themselves to one another in the
eyes of some mythical overlord, or in the eyes of the law (also a kind of
mythical overlord) then I’m fine with it as long as they put on a good buffet
and a free bar. Regardless of whether they’re bride/bride, groom/groom or
groom/bride (which isn’t always a reflection of gender anyway) my only question
is whether I’m invited. The answer is usually no; everyone is afraid of what I
might do when exposed to limitless alcohol. Their lack of faith disturbs me.

There’s no practical
reason to deny homosexual couples the same legal rights that heterosexual
couples ‘enjoy’, there’s only ideological hyperbole*.

*In a decent thesaurus those two words are synonyms for ‘insane
ranting’

With that seriousness out of the way, let’s get to business!
Gay business! Hit the jump for some gay business!

Depending on which girl you pick, you’ll be directed to a
quick one-minute advert about how to keep up with each of the girls. All of
which involves the use of Lynx shower gel, obviously. Some of them are pretty
hilarious but I’ll tell you about my favourite at the very end, after the click.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

When viewed as a whole the Illuminati are a socialist, Catholic,
fascist, French, racist, Jewish, homosexual, German, monarchist, African, scientific,
communist, imperialist, Satanist, anti-semitic, extra-terrestrial organisation dedicated to global exploitation,
domination and genocide. They’re pretty much the most famous secret
organisation ever, referenced in everything from historical essays to comic
books, from newspapers to music. These are all quite remarkable achievements,
especially considering THEY DON’T EXIST.

The Freemasons do exist but they’re also
irrelevant

Everyone kind of agrees (mostly) that the Illuminati love to
show off. They put arrogant little signs everywhere. It’s pretty stupid though
because these clues are always spotted. It might just be me, but if I was running a secret
global conspiracy I wouldn’t publicise it. I might take it seriously.

This. Stuff like this. This is a waste of important
conspiracy funds

In the truest ways of apophenia (finding meaningful patterns where there are none) some conspiracy theorists have decided the Olympics are another such
Illuminati project. After the click, read about the top 4 most commonly referenced pieces of
evidence:

Monday, 2 July 2012

Earlier today the countdown of the Go Compare adverts ended. They had been building up all week to something happening today, and I speculated earlier today that they would kill him - the purposefully vandalised billboard posters and the irritated viewers included at the end of every new advert, along with the countdown, seemed to point to an impending paradigm change. The advert is finally online so I can finally link to it and put you all out of your suspenseful misery.

Either follow this link to check out the theories from earlier in the day or check out the new Go Compare generation:

Now let's just do a quick review and put this all behind us (after the jump in case of spoilers)

Here's something that might make your day: for the past week or so the Go Compare adverts on TV have been counting down to something. Nobody knows what it is. There's some speculation that they will be retiring their renowned, infamous opera singer Gio Compario.

For essential therapy, print out this image and attach to a punching bag

Thursday, 28 June 2012

I’ve seen the warnings about how to plan your transport and
how to avoid getting caught in unusual rush hours. I’ve followed the debate
about what to do with the big stadium after it’s finished. I’ve seen Wenlock and Mandeville in shops now, and I’ve even seen a few kids on the tube
carrying the little Wenlock dolls. I’ve been enraged by the various conspiracy
theorists who think we’ll all die in 2012. This can only mean one thing: THE
LONDON OLYMPICS ARE JUST A MONTH AWAY.

Like with any major sporting event, the adverts have all
cashed in too. A while ago we looked at the Superbowl adverts, so now let’s
have a look at some of the adverts in the build-up to the Olympics after the click:

Monday, 18 June 2012

After I decided it was better to live in Gotham over Metropolis (because both are dangerous but one is more fun and relaxed), I
also expressed a huge number of insights into the nature of Superman: his
radiation poisoning gives him telekinetic abilities. After this it was
suggested that I do the same for Batman. But his story is incredibly well known
and unsurprising, apart from a few obscure conspiracy theories. His parents
died and he went on a self-destructive international journey but happened to
learn ninja and detective skills on his way. Big whoop. You know whose stories
are interesting, though? Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown
and Damian Wayne. That’s right, Robin. There’s a lot to know about Robin and
most people don’t know anything. Yes, Robin sometimes wasn’t even a boy!

Monday, 11 June 2012

Previously I weighed up the
benefits of living in Metropolis versus living in Gotham, and we discovered
that Metropolis is just as dangerous as Gotham without any of the edgy,
rock-and-roll fun. Metropolis is pretty boring and one of the best reasons for
living there is proximity to Superman. He’ll almost definitely save your arse
from the wide variety of disasters, accidents and crimes that occur regularly around
the city. He is a living god in humanoid form and he’s also a really nice, down
to earth, responsible guy. He’s practically perfect in every way! Well, almost
every way.

Friday, 1 June 2012

A while ago I told you how car companies Smart, Renault and
Nissan were all releasing electric cars this year. Electric cars with realistic
range and power, not just token gestures for showrooms and trade expos. We
examined the adverts and ultimately concluded that I want a spaceship. But it
has to be a good spaceship with faster-than-light travel and everything.

Monday, 30 April 2012

Sex. Sexy, sexy sex! Some call it shagging; others call it
‘making the beast with two backs’; almost no one calls it ‘dancing the f**k
fandango’ but they should because that’s hilarious. Since mankind realised they
could represent concepts with symbols, some of those symbols have been about
dancing the f**k fandango. Who can blame them?

Cave men loved big butts, they could
not lie

Read more about three of everyone's favourite subjects - sex, video games and sex in video games - right after the click!

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

For years the Lynx adverts had a predictable, recognisable motif. But for a little while it was undermined. We’ll get to that later. This is the archetype: a man sprays Lynx deodorant on himself and becomes irresistible to women. They swarm towards him like a terrifying blend of ravenous wolves and starving locusts. For example in this 1-minute advert from 2006 where women literally cross forests, mountains and oceans in their bikinis, summoned by the stench of deodorant:

I bet that advert was a lot of fun to film.

There's more realistic adverts after the click - but not much more realistic.

Charging down a valley towards Cossacks and Hussars while the valley walls are bristling with enemy gun batteries

But some people don’t realise when ideas aren’t working, and carry on regardless: ketchup bottle sex toys, gourmet restaurants at truck rest stops, denying the working class, charging down a valley towards Cossacks and Hussars when the valleys walls blah blah etc.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

In all superhero stories, the power of ice also equates to the power of freezing people. Not killing them, just freezing them – disabling them by turning them into icicles. In the popular film The Incredibles, for example, the character voiced by Samuel L Jackson is capable of freezing a bullet mid-air as well as the policeman behind it:

In the X-Men, Bobby Drake (aka Iceman) can do it, since his powers are also ice-based. In various Batman incarnations, Mr Freeze can do it. Superman sometimes does it with his super-breath. The list could go on. But sadly, that frozen policeman from the video is almost definitely dead.

Now that I’ve said it you probably already see the truth of it, but after the click let’s break down just how horrible it is.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

I’ve been playing a lot of DC Universe Online since it became free (when I can get onto the server). If you’re not familiar with it, it’s an MMORPG set in the world of Superman, Batman and the Justice League etc. It’s a world populated by aliens, witches, geniuses, psychopaths and heroes. You get to design a superhero (or villain), go on missions and earn experience in the standard MMORPG way.

This game makes the differences between Gotham and Metropolis very clear. One city is dirty and decaying, bathed in both eternal night and heavy rain. In the other, everything is clean glass and shiny steel, and it’s always a bright sunny day. I’ll let you guess which one is which.

Hint: nobody can see the bat-signal in daylight

Where would you rather live? Based on the above summaries, you’d think everyone would immediately choose Metropolis. But the opposite is true – most internet surveys turn up Gotham as the city of choice. Why is this?

Thursday, 1 March 2012

If a car isn’t burning precious natural resources and clogging the lungs of small children with noxious, cancerous tar then what good are they? You might as well be on a bicycle! So who the hell would buy an electric car? What kind of pathetic loser would you have to be to get rid of your huge pedestrian-cruncher or midlife-crisis-mobile? What, are you going to ride a bus like some kind of peasant? How will anyone know how big your cock is, unless you drink diesel like lemonade and tear down the road like a bull making sweet, sweet love to a lion – deep and noisy.

...and sensual.

After the click we'll find out about the other, correct side of the argument.

Monday, 20 February 2012

When you’re famous and instantly recognisable (like me) then one of the ways you can support your expensive tastes and habits (drinking glacial melt-water and having sex with tigers) is endorsing products. You can sell not just your body, but also your face, name and/or voice.

Follow the click to hear about Mr T, JLS, Sylvester Stallone, Mikhail Gorbachev, zombies and SO MANY OTHERS!

Monday, 6 February 2012

It’s only been a day, at the time of writing, since some kind of major sporting event finished in the US. I gather it’s called the Superbowl, and like all major sporting events it involves huge amounts of money floating through the air, invisible, above our heads. It changes hands between sponsors, building contractors, ticket vendors, event caterers, local government, wholesale food warehouses, security firms, media broadcasters, merchandise manufacturers, law firms to arrange and broker these deals and stock-market analysts to analyse the stock-market impact of all these transactions.

I guess there’s also something about some sportsmen doing something on a field with a weirdly shaped ball or something, but it hardly seems relevant at this point. I’m a Brit living in the UK and I don’t even follow proper football or rugby, let alone the infantile, specially-padded offspring of the two.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

In 1989, nine years after the iconic Flash Gordon was released, the universe briefly twisted into a vortex of evil before snapping back into place like nothing had happened. But something had happened. Something had crossed into our dimension from... elsewhere, and it was Flesh Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders.

So 80s

Yeah, nostalgia about the 80s is fun. But this was 1989 – the year the 80s came to die. This is the film that buried the bodies:

As you can see, we're in for quite an interesting experience after the click.

Friday, 20 January 2012

Over the course of history, there have been some truly iconic duos: Romeo & Juliet, Laurel & Hardy, Bert & Ernie, Wenlock & Mandeville, and so many others. Wait, what’s that you say? You don’t know who they are? Your ignorance disgusts me. Oh, you meant Wenlock & Mandeville? Never mind then. They’re the Olympic mascots for 2012, and there's no reason you should know who they are.

Remember? These guys? No? Anyone?

No, you haven’t seen them around. Nobody has seen them around. See those little letters on their foreheads? That’s how you tell them apart. W for Wenlock, M for Mandeville. Wenlock is the angry-looking orange thing and Mandeville is the sad blue one.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

London is starting to buzz about the Olympics. Well, it has been for a while, but now the buzzing is really loud. I know some folks who have tickets, sure. But now it turns out I also know a few people who are already working for them in some capacity, whether volunteering as crowd control, staffing and catering for their parties and events, helping to build and finish the stadiums, planning the opening ceremony... meanwhile I still don’t have a job… no, no, it’s fine, I just need a moment.

None of them will tell me a damn thing about the opening cermony, obviously. They say they don’t even know, but that’s exactly what they’d say if they did even know!

Yep, money is going to shower down on this city like gold from a rainbow. Then we’re back to being screwed – except no, because that’s when we get my favourite part of the Olympics. The PARALYMPICS!

Hopefully the least offensive possible combination of shapes and colors

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Enough long-winded theoretical nonsense about time travel. I have some more adverts to complain about! This time it’s the stupid Toyota Yaris rappers. If you’ve not seen them, then yes – for some reason, there are three separate adverts for the Toyota Yaris that all feature a 30-40 second rap tune. It gets weirder.

I’ll tell you now I don’t know anything about music, let alone cool music. I know the general history of rap music, from the ‘golden age’ of the 90s to how they added ‘rhythm’ to the blues in a kind of secret underground laboratory sometime during the 20th century. I also know that a ‘gravel pit’ somehow refers to a lady’s… sex bits…? Probably? But apart from that I’m pretty clueless.

I try to avoid getting too krunk these days, but I still love me some bitches

What I do know is adverts. The beats might be phat, they might be spitting lyrics like lightning for all I know, but that doesn’t sell cars. Also, in all three the singer-rapper-people-folk are cartoons. For some reason. Cartoons. It still gets even weirder, after the click!