A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. After he gets over the shock of that fact, he figures he needs to get the damn thing OFF his roof... so he looks in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a... baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, I'll need you to shoot the dog."

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's cemetery in the wilds. As I was not familiar with the territory, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the undertaker had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played as I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

A US Navy Admiral after 40 years of service,,was taking his final retirement physical exam,he was an obnoxious B-----D,he gave the nurses orders,he gave the doctors orders,all the while yelling at them,like a man possessed by the DEVIL, then a gorgeous nurse (wearing a mask)came into his room,and told him,that she had to give him a RECTAL temperature exam,he *****ed,but rolled over,when she had done the insertion,she told him to lay still,and she would be back in a minute,when the doctor came into the room,he started laughing like crazy,the Admiral yelled at him,,havent you ever seen anyone getting his rectal temperature taken? the doctor replied,yes,many,many times,but,this is the first time ive ever seen it taken with a DAFFODIL,,,,(flower)

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