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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It is so ON!

Dear Ants:

Hi, there you little motherf*ckers. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know, IT IS ON. Yes, I've hesitated at calling the exterminator because of the poison and my child who enjoys eating poison, but that has NOT stopped me. Oh no, my little nemeses, I am totally all over your shit.

See, I found that little hole in my kitchen window frame that you're using as an entrance. And I plugged that bad boy up. Then I watch as you sent out your pheromones to put everyone on alert and frantically tried to get in. No more meandering around my sink now, huh? Ha ha! You were all, "My Queen! My Queen! Must get back to my Queen!" Well, NOT HAPPENING. And now that all of you that remained inside have been massacred, I'm feeling a pretty victorious. I haven't seen even one ant today. Nada one.

Am I worried that there is some kind of ant rebellion brewing within my walls? That you will all come exploding out like an ant volcano and completely take over my kitchen? Yes, a little. Okay, a lot. It gave me nightmares. But it didn't happen, so I win.

Yes, this seems like much too easy a solution. I realize it is not permanent, that a rolled up paper towel jammed into a hole in my window frame will not keep you out forever. I mean, can't you lift like 20 times your weight or something? But I'm hoping it will hold until I find a less poisonous, more toddler friendly solution.

So, it's on, ants. It is so on.

Your mortal enemy (literally),

Jenni

**********************************

Dear Fat on My Ass:

Hey, guess what? I'm down another 2.4 lbs this week. That's 6 lbs in two weeks. You know what that means? That means your time is almost up. That's an eviction notice on your door baby, so you better pack your things and hit Craig's List for a new pad cause I am through with you.

I realize that we've had some good times, Ass Fat (I can call you Ass Fat, right?) All those cup cakes, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. And apple pie, my oh my have we had some fun with apple pie. And brownies. And the french fries and bacon cheese burgers. Yummy! And I cannot forget all the beer and martinis from my former life. Oh, those were the days.

Alas, no more! I'm giving up my many food vices in favor of health and a longer life. I want to chase my kids without having to drag you behind me, Ass Fat. You are keeping me down, man. It's time for you to move on.

Now, I've tried to do this the nice way, but the fact is it's not me, it's you Ass Fat. You are the problem here and I'm determined to get rid of you. But you just insist on hanging around. You follow me everywhere I go. That ain't cool, Ass Fat, and I am through with being nice.

It's ON, Ass Fat. I am kissing you good by one pound at a time. No, it won't be easy, but I'm determined to get you out of my life for good. You cause heart disease and diabetes and cellulite. And you can take your friends, Love Handles, Thunder Thighs, Matronly Arms with you. And don't forget your sisters Stomach Fat and Back Fat. I'm through with them too. I'm through with all of you. Week by week, inch by inch, I will defeat you.

I'll be seeing less of you,

Jenni

********************************Dear Abscess on Miles' Butt:

I hate you. Why won't you just GO AWAY? You are not wanted here. You suck. You literally sit in shit all day, so you stink. You are worthless. You are getting smaller by the day, and you know what? Size does matter, and you're losing it, buddy. I've seen bigger pustules on 15-year-old boys. And do you know what else? You are stupid, Abscess, and you have no friends. NOBODY likes you. And you're ugly. U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! You ugly! Uh-huh, you ugly!

Since 10 days of antibiotics and two weeks of twice daily soaks and washing with soap and water at every change haven't worked, I figured I'd try berating you, Abscess. Is it working? Well, just in case it's not, we're doing another week long course of antibiotics. And all the soaking and washing. That's right - we'll be coming at you from the inside AND the outside.

You may be tough, but I am tougher. Do you see that crazed look in my eyes? That means it's ON, Abscess, and I don't take prisoners. Just ask the Ants.

It's a dark and dreary morning here in the Pacific NW and I was moping around the internet, debating how long I could leave my little monsters in their room before they destroyed it. Then I read your letter to the ants and laughed so hard I WOKE THE BABY UP (bad, bad mommy.) I too have been waging an ant war, but I did resort to the (eco-friendly) exterminator. After all, he was already here to do something about the mice in my crawlspace (want some of my nightmares about marauding pests?) No difference yet (he warned me it would take about 2 weeks), but my eldest child is certainly enjoying them. The ants, not the mice.

Way to go!!!! You are one fierce woman - oh and those abscesses - yeah those are some nasty things but my boys have not had them - my husband does - yeap. Try getting rid of an adult one - nasty!!!! I just shudder at the thought of it.

I read this earlier but I had a two year old smashing on the keyboard so I couldn't comment. I dig your angry side and I hope you win all of these battles. Ants are tricky little SOB's, good luck getting rid of them. You're doing great kicking fat's ass so keep that up as well.

Bless you, you are kicking ass (almost literally) all over the place. I can't remember who said it first (and yes, I'm too lazy to scroll down the page to check) but block that hole with something permanent - like cement. If you can find the entrance to their nest (and I hope you have no ant pacifist readers) then poor boiling water into it everytime you're feeling a little het up. Good luck with the ass fat - you're doing a great job so far! And finally, abscess - just push off, nobody likes your kind here.