The Jewish Ethicist - Forgiving and Forgetting to Ourselves

Judaism preaches "constructive clemency".

Q. I made some poor judgments in my business. My own life is now a wreck, and I have also harmed others who are left with unpaid debts. How can I move on?

A. In a previous column we discussed Judaism's approach to forgiving others. There we explained that Judaism doesn't require or even encourage a person to forgive someone who harmed him freely and unconditionally. It's completely legitimate to demand fair recompense or an appropriate apology. This approach benefits both parties. The injured party obtains recompense and acknowledgement, and the wrongdoer has the ability to put his transgression behind him knowing that he has made amends.

But the demands made of the wrongdoer should be reasonable, and their object should be to move forward to a new, repaired relationship. We find in the Shulchan Arukh (authoritative Code of Jewish law): "One asked to forgive should not be cruel and withhold forgiveness, unless he intends for the benefit of the one requesting forgiveness". (1) The commentators explain that delaying forgiveness can sometimes benefit the wrongdoer by making him internalize the gravity of his acts and truly regret them.

The ideal is an attitude of "constructive clemency". We need a forgiving attitude, but not at the expense of fixing what's been broken.

The same approach guides our attitudes towards our own sins. Certainly a person needs to do what is in his ability to rectify what he has wronged, and to commit himself to avoid making the same transgression in the future. As Maimonides explains, Jewish law recognizes three stages in this process: regret for the past, acknowledgement of the sin through confession before God, and commitment for the future. (2)

Should a person then "forgive and forget" himself? That depends. On the one hand, there is an advantage to always keeping our past misdeeds in mind. A person who made a mistake in the past needs particular vigilance from falling into his past ways. The book of Psalms (51:4-5) states: "Thoroughly cleanse me of my transgression, and purify me from my sin. For I well know my crime, and my sin is before me always". Based on this, the Talmud teaches that even if one has already made a frank confession of one's sins before God, it is praiseworthy to repeat the confession once a year on subsequent Days of Repentance. (3) This corresponds to the person who intentionally delays forgiveness for the benefit of the wrongdoer.

On the other hand, excessive attention to past misdeeds can be an obstacle to putting them behind us. A competing opinion in the Talmud claims that someone who repeats confession on a past misdeed is likened to "As a dog who returns to his own vomit, so is a fool who persists in his folly" (Proverbs 26:11).

Some Hasidic works draw particular attention to this problem. While the Talmud tells us that each person is warned to always be like a wicked person in his own eyes (4), Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, one of the earliest Hasidic masters, writes: "This needs to be understood properly, for the Mishna (5) tells us, 'Don't be wicked before yourself', and furthermore if a person sees himself as wicked he will become saddened and unable to serve God with joy." (6) Rav Zvi Elimelech of Dinov, a slightly later leader, wrote that when one dwells on past misdeeds it can have the effect of making the expression of regret routine and thus insincere. (7) The Hasidic movement, with its emphasis on joy in serving God, was particularly emphatic that a person should not dwell too much on past misdeeds.

The conclusion is as follows: A person who finds that recalling past missteps is necessary for him to keep from backsliding should avoid "forgive and forget"; for him, the watchword is "forgive and remember". This is why Alcoholics Anonymous members open their discussions by acknowledging, "I'm an alcoholic".

But a person who finds that keeping the past in mind prevents him from enjoying life and serving God with joy, should indeed "fix, forgive, forget".

Law and custom provide various ways for debtors who are in over their heads to make livable arrangements with creditors and to move forward in life. Do your best to live up to the arrangements you negotiate in the wake of your business failure, to put the whole situation behind you, and to make a new start with joy and hope, and without dwelling on past mistakes.

About the Author

Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir is Research Director at the Business Ethics Center of Jerusalem (www.besr.org). He studied at Harvard, received a PhD in Economics from MIT, and rabbinic ordination from the Israeli Chief Rabbinate. Prior to moving to Israel, he worked at the Council of Economic Advisers in the Reagan administration. Rabbi Dr. Meir is also a Senior Lecturer in Economics at the Jerusalem College of Technology and has published several articles on business, economics and Jewish law. He is the author of the two-volume, "Meaning in Mitzvot (Feldheim), and his Aish.com columns form the basis of the "Jewish Ethicist" book (ktav.com).

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
Mary,
January 14, 2007 1:14 PM

Be careful.

One can legally revive the dead debt by making a new promise. It might be better to make the money first and when you know you can pay them, going over and giving them the money, without promises for the future.

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My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...