1. A guy visited a store seeking some fancy soap. The clerk asked if he wanted it scented. “No,” replied the guy, “I’ll just take it with me.”

From Johnny Carson:

2. A real estate salesman spent all day Sunday escorting a couple through model homes.“And this,” he said at the tenth home he had shown, “has a hobby room. Do you folks have any hobbies?”“Yes,” replied the woman, “inspecting model homes on Sundays.”

3. Adam may have had his troubles, but he never had to listen to Eve talk about the other men she could have married.

4. “It’s your wife,” said the secretary to her boss. “She wants to give you a kiss over the telephone.”“I’m too busy,” replied the executive. “Take the message and I’ll get it from you later.”

5. A Hollywood producer received a story entitled “The Optimist.” He called his staff together and said: “Gentlemen, this story is great, but the title must be changed to something simple.We’re intelligent and know what an optimist is, but how many of those morons who’ll see the picture will know he’s an eye doctor?”

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving a pistol and yelled, "I have a 1911 Colt .45 caliber with a 7 round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!" The bar went silent then a voice from the back of the room called out, "You'll need more ammo!"

2. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

3. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him….A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.