Girl: "So what's your type?"Me: "I like animals and special needs children."Girl: "That's weird."Me: "Not really they have many similarities. They both shit where they please, munch grass, and can be lured into sexual acts with peanut butter."Girl: "That's not what I meant sicko!"

Hey fellas, how's it going? It's your old pal John Kerry! I know a lot of you are pretty pissed at me right now for my "botched joke", so I decided to write a letter to explain myself. Hopefully you can find someone to read it to you.

First off let me just say that you completely missed the point of my joke, and I'll be damned if I am going to apologize for your stupidity. I said that you're a dumbass if you get "stuck" in Iraq. Stuck being the operative word.

Take my military experience in Vietnam for example. Did I just go in there and get stuck like a retard in a revolving door? Fuck no! I had a plan. First I used my family's connections to get bullshit Purple Hearts and honorably discharged. Then I cunningly turned on my fellow soldiers and accused them of war crimes to grab the media spotlight and advance my own political aspirations. When will you idiots learn that you should only go to war if you have a viable exit strategy? LOL

Honestly I don't know why I bothered writing to you. I doubt any of you have made it this far without running off to chase your own shadow. However, if you are still reading let me be the first to congratulate you. Someone just earned themselves a gold star. We could sure use a soldier like you in the Democratic Party.

Most of your fellow fucktards, I mean soldiers, believe in grand ideals like brotherhood and serving their country. You just may be smart enough to realize that you aren't going to make national news with stories about honor and duty *yawn*. What's the point of going to war if you don't get to benefit from it?

As an Iraq War veteran you could easily become a Congressman. Just support our "new course" for Iraq platform, and run a few ads with doctored photos of your opponent fellating Bush. Remember we want to be as vague and nondescript as possible about what this "new course" for Iraq would be that way it cannot be criticized. Think about it. But not too hard I wouldn't want you to strain something.