I Told a Lie (And Two Truths)

I had trouble coming up with a believable lie, so I asked my wife, “Tell me something that people would believe is true about me, but isn’t.” She replied, “That you’re gay.” When I demurred, she said, “That you’re intelligent?” Thanks for the help, dear.

1. I’m an outspoken critic of people who use their cell phones while they drive. Therefore, it’s ironic that a few years ago, I was pulled over by a cop for that very offense. However, the cop let me go when I proved that my cell phone had not been in use, but in fact my left hand had been at my ear because I was picking at a scab.

2. For several years, Jennifer Lopez’s mom Guadalupe lived in the building next to mine.

3. Embarrassing moment: Two years ago, I was at a Mets game with a group of friends, but not with my wife. Between innings, the Kiss Cam zoomed in on me and the platonic woman friend sitting next to me and we had to kiss as if we were sweethearts. (Fortunately, my wife didn’t watch the game!)