You don't want me on your trip

People tell me I'm exaggerating when I mention that I am a magnet for rotten weather and bizarre happenstances when I go on vacation.

To which I say:

Kilauea, Hawaii -- After more than 80 years, the Kilauea volcano awakened (with) an unexpected explosion raining rocks and debris over 75 acres.

That news story moved just a few days ago. As you read this, I am in Hawaii. Coincidence? I think not.

In fact, I know not.

In my long and storied travel history, I have:

• Had my tent literally washed off a ridge in the Smoky Mountains.

• Been mugged for a tray of $7 hot dogs by a gang of seagulls at a theme park. (Think Hitchcock's "The Birds," then multiply by three. It's the one time in my life I wished I was allowed to carry a sawed-off shotgun.)

• Killed off large swaths of the Florida citrus industry numerous times by scheduling trips there with my kids, thereby causing sudden and unforecast freezes. (There's a wanted poster of me up in the Florida Citrus Growers Association office.)

One time in particular, it was so cold ( "How cold WAS it, Andy?") we walked right into attractions all day long at Disney because no one else was stupid enough to show up.

Another time it was so cold all the water rides were closed due to icebergs.

Another time, it was so cold my young son, ignoring my warnings, jumped in an outdoor pool and immediately had a "Caddyshack" doody moment, the shock of the cold water was so intense. (And no, in this case, it was not a Baby Ruth bar. We're still not allowed back at that hotel.)

We are such consistently bad news that Florida has asked travel agents to please, for the love of God, tell us that everything is booked when we call.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Heller, it appears there are no hotel rooms available in the entire state of Florida for that time frame. Can we book you a nice trip to Nome, Alaska, where you can do no more harm?"

• Golfed in the eye of a hurricane/tropical storm.

I'm not kidding. Myrtle Beach, S.C., about five years ago. I booked a trip with some buddies, and precisely two weeks before we arrived, a hurricane formed waaaay out in the Atlantic near Africa.

There was no statistical chance whatsoever that this storm could hit the Carolinas at precisely the moment we did.

Naturally, it did. It had downgraded to a tropical storm by then, but it was still pretty intense. We had paid for the trip, so we went anyway. We asked one course owner if he'd at least give us a discount.

He said, "If you're dumb enough to play, you're dumb enough to pay."

And he was right. So we paid full rate for underwater golf, complete with Gilligan winds. (In meteorological terms, Gilligan winds are the type that are so strong, that if you held onto a palm tree, you'd go horizontal.)

The conditions were wretched but, on the other hand, I was able to drive the ball 6,000 yards on some holes. Eat your heart out, Tiger.

Anyway, vacations and me don't seem to mix. The terms most often uttered by locals where I travel: "I've never seen any like it" or "Well, I'll be ... that's never happened before."

So it was with some trepidation that I booked a trip to the Hawaiian Islands. In the weeks leading up to it, people would ask me, "Aren't you excited?"

And to be honest, I wasn't. Why would I when I know the odds of what was likely to happen to the poor, unsuspecting people of Hawaii?

I pictured them gazing up saying, "What is this cold white stuff falling from the sky? Wait a second, is that ... snow?"

Eventually I took to imagining and joking about every bad thing that could possibly happen in hopes that it then wouldn't -- hurricanes, tidal waves, tsunamis, tropical storms, meteor showers, giant sucking whirlpools, ice ages.

You name it, I imagined it.

Except for volcanoes. For some reason, I forgot volcanic eruptions, which is stupid because Hawaii basically is one big volcano.

So, naturally, right on cue, there was that story out of Kilauea.

Eighty years. The volcano hasn't erupted in 80 blinkin' years, and it does so just prior to my arrival.

Coincidence?

Don't be naive.

Nature has it in for me.

Even Hawaiians are asking, "What the ...? Is Heller here or something?"