10 Marriage New Years Resolutions for 2011: The Divorce Busters Edition

Every year I write New Year's resolutions for couples. This year, I've posted my 2011 New Year's Resolutions for Your Marriage as a very cool poster over on the Divorce Busting Blog. But sometimes, when your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people's active participation apply to you. That's why I decided to write Ten New Year's Resolutions for Divorce Busters, those people who don't have the luxury of their partner's support. Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself in 2011.

1. Envision positive outcomes

There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change your marriage if you don't believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.

2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur

Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!

3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it

You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.

4. Focus on small, positive changes

Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.

5. Promise yourself this will be a great year, no matter what

You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children , if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to make this a good year regardless of your spouse's choices.

6. Exercise your worry away

The most popular New Year's Resolution is to join a health club and exercise to become more fit. That is well and good. For you, exercise will be a lifesaver. It will help to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. Go for it!

7. Do one new thing you enjoy

Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.

8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.

Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying the moment becomes and challenging task. You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them.

9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame

What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track. If you've veered from the Divorce Busting plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.

10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity

Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself. You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.

Michele Weiner-Davis is the founder of the Divorce Busting Center and best selling author of "Divoce Busting", "The Divorce Remedy", and "The Sex-Starved Marriage". Subscribe to the Divorce Busting Newsletter to get exclusive marriage saving offers and first access to Michele's latest work.

Mary for you comment. This article left me scratching my head. If you are going it alone, there is no "saving" a marriage. It no longer exists. One person cannot save the marriage. It takes two to cooperate, and if one won't do the marriage maintainence/repair, etc. dance, it is over.

thank you both for your comments. I certainly understand your discouragement. However, I have been specializing in work with couples on the brink for years and have developed an effective model for helping the one spouse who truly wants to save the marriage to determine the steps he or she should take to begin to turn things around. The idea is that relationships are such that if one person changes, it increases the odds that the other person will change. I will include an email I received yesterday that illustrates the principles.
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At the end of November 2009, I heard those dreaded words, " I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore." While I knew that things were not great between us, nothing could have prepared me to hear that after 21 years of marriage and 26 years together. A few weeks later, I realized that my husband had gotten himself a new, younger girlfriend and was planning a new life with her and her young child. I was crushed and our kids were furious with their father and worried what would happen to our family. The mid-life crisis had hit our home and it was ugly for me, our kids, and my husband's entire family as other woman was related by marriage!

At first, all I could feel was fury at him and the other woman as she knew we were married and did not care because she had wanted him for a very long time. I did all of the wrong things. I carried on with anger, cried all of the time and acted like a total victim which is truly not my nature. I knew he felt some guilt, but my actions were pushing him away and into her arms. I posted my story on a women-centric site where another poster suggested Michele's book, "Divorce Busting". I ran to the library and got it out right away and read it cover to cover one night while my husband was out with the other woman. It gave me hope and for the first time I felt like maybe I could turn things around even though my husband told me he was done with no chance of changing his mind.

I started going out with friends again, I got a life, I had a real estate agent take me (my husband tagged along) out to look at new houses on New Year's eve. That afternoon I saw a glimmer of change. He went out with OW for New Year's eve and stayed out all night. He came home to two kids who would not speak to him and a tired but hopeful wife. He told me that maybe he had made a mistake and that he wanted to maybe try again. At first he did not want to give up the other woman (he was afraid of me reverting to my old ways that he did not like), and I was unhappy with that. We were very happy at first, but then he began to contact her again behind my back. He told me he loved me and her! That is when I contacted Divorce Busters directly began my telephone consultations with Jody. You will not find a kinder, more compassionate staff than Michele's. They were quick to respond and gave me hope when I felt like I was truly losing the battle for my marriage.

As good as the book is, the one to one coaching is even better. Jody was able to direct my energies into more productive strategies that really helped me turn things around. During each session, she listened to what steps I took, what results I received, and how to make changes that would get me to my goal of regaining my formerly happy marriage. I finally told my husband, no more contact with other woman, period. I also really concentrated on improving my appearance, taking more interest in his hobbies, and made my demeanor attractive to be around. We made more time for romance and sex which made us both happy. We still had our ups and downs from time to time and DH still held back somewhat from truly falling back in love with me. I will tell you, this is not an easy or painless process. There were days I wanted to throw in the towel and or kill him because he was not responding fast enough for me. That is when I went back to the books, and Jody's tips to keep going. I treated myself to little gifts whenever I made progress and that helped encourage me along as well. I also tried not to take 'bad' days personally. I would take note of what I did that day to possibly bring on a less than positive result and made changes. It was kind of like my personal marriage laboratory!

Finally, this fall, he let go of what could be with the OW and fully recommitted to our marriage. My husband tells me how much he loves me, and most of all he tells me how glad he is that I fought for our marriage even though OW was fighting just as hard to take him away (some people have no shame). Our kids have forgiven him and this year's Christmas was wonderful and we were a happy family. I have gone on to read all of Michele's books because they are terrific and so helpful with all of my relationships both personal and work related. They are all underlined and highlighted to death and I refer back to them often. I recommend her books and her phone counseling to everyone! Thanks again Michele and Jody for helping me to save my marriage! :-)
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We get feedback like this all the time. So, while no method is fail-proof, we do not feel discouraged when one spouse is out the door. We have confidence that what we do works, and even when it doesn't the people with whom we consult feel great that they left no stone unturned and that they got their sense of integrity back.

11. Don't Worry So Much About Improving Communication. As the great couples therapist and theorist David Schnarch says, the great likelihood is that your marriage is not having a communication problem;. The problem is that you and/or your spouse can't stand what's being communicated.

I married late in life...51 years old. I met my husband online--he didn't stay on the dating site long, having been disillusioned by the number of women on there who were really just looking for a good time, not a serious relationship.
Our first date was June 20th, 2009 and we were married July 17, 2010. I loved my husband dearly, but he wasn't honest about who he was and what he was willing to accept when we began dating. I told him I had male friends that meant a great deal to me, and asked if that was going to be a problem for him, and he assured me it was not. Well, as time went on, it became obvious that it was. It also became obvious that my husband was very insecure and couldn't believe that I would be happy with him. Our relationship deteriorated to the point that I left him this past December, and on the advice of many women who had been in the same situation, I left while he was at work.
I am living with my best friend of 30 years and her husband, and after about a month of having an inside look at another marriage, I had an epiphany that I was as much to blame for the problems in our marriage as my husband, if not more so. And then the dam broke and I began to realize a great many things. Foolishly I thought my husband would be happy to hear this and ask me when I was coming back home, but he thought the whole thing was some kind of cruel joke and wouldn't even speak to me for a week, and now he speaks to me very sporadically but claims he doesn't love me anymore. I don't believe him because he is very sweet and thoughtful one day--like the man I've always known and fell in love with, and the next he is filled with bitterness and hate.
I am not the same woman that ran away from her problems 2 months ago and I don't know how to reach him! My life will never be the same without him and my family by marriage, and yet I don't have the necessary funds to afford the telephone coaching that I think might be a God send in my situation.
I don't know where to turn...
Any advice would be more than appreciated...
Sincerely,
Shawn Wyda

I married late in life...51 years old. I met my husband online--he didn't stay on the dating site long, having been disillusioned by the number of women on there who were really just looking for a good time, not a serious relationship.
Our first date was June 20th, 2009 and we were married July 17, 2010. I loved my husband dearly, but he wasn't honest about who he was and what he was willing to accept when we began dating. I told him I had male friends that meant a great deal to me, and asked if that was going to be a problem for him, and he assured me it was not. Well, as time went on, it became obvious that it was. It also became obvious that my husband was very insecure and couldn't believe that I would be happy with him. Our relationship deteriorated to the point that I left him this past December, and on the advice of many women who had been in the same situation, I left while he was at work.
I am living with my best friend of 30 years and her husband, and after about a month of having an inside look at another marriage, I had an epiphany that I was as much to blame for the problems in our marriage as my husband, if not more so. And then the dam broke and I began to realize a great many things. Foolishly I thought my husband would be happy to hear this and ask me when I was coming back home, but he thought the whole thing was some kind of cruel joke and wouldn't even speak to me for a week, and now he speaks to me very sporadically but claims he doesn't love me anymore. I don't believe him because he is very sweet and thoughtful one day--like the man I've always known and fell in love with, and the next he is filled with bitterness and hate.
I am not the same woman that ran away from her problems 2 months ago and I don't know how to reach him! My life will never be the same without him and my family by marriage, and yet I don't have the necessary funds to afford the telephone coaching that I think might be a God send in my situation.
I don't know where to turn...
Any advice would be more than appreciated...
Sincerely,
Shawn Wyda

I married late in life...51 years old. I met my husband online--he didn't stay on the dating site long, having been disillusioned by the number of women on there who were really just looking for a good time, not a serious relationship.
Our first date was June 20th, 2009 and we were married July 17, 2010. I loved my husband dearly, but he wasn't honest about who he was and what he was willing to accept when we began dating. I told him I had male friends that meant a great deal to me, and asked if that was going to be a problem for him, and he assured me it was not. Well, as time went on, it became obvious that it was. It also became obvious that my husband was very insecure and couldn't believe that I would be happy with him. Our relationship deteriorated to the point that I left him this past December, and on the advice of many women who had been in the same situation, I left while he was at work.
I am living with my best friend of 30 years and her husband, and after about a month of having an inside look at another marriage, I had an epiphany that I was as much to blame for the problems in our marriage as my husband, if not more so. And then the dam broke and I began to realize a great many things. Foolishly I thought my husband would be happy to hear this and ask me when I was coming back home, but he thought the whole thing was some kind of cruel joke and wouldn't even speak to me for a week, and now he speaks to me very sporadically but claims he doesn't love me anymore. I don't believe him because he is very sweet and thoughtful one day--like the man I've always known and fell in love with, and the next he is filled with bitterness and hate.
I am not the same woman that ran away from her problems 2 months ago and I don't know how to reach him! My life will never be the same without him and my family by marriage, and yet I don't have the necessary funds to afford the telephone coaching that I think might be a God send in my situation.
I don't know where to turn...
Any advice would be more than appreciated...
Sincerely,
Shawn Wyda

I have been married for 16 years, 3 kids, 2 dogs, great home - what I thought was the perfect life. Almost two years ago my wife came to me and told me she wanted a divorce. She "loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore", was how she put it. She had been going to a therapist for over a year who had encouraged her to "find herself", "make herself happy". Never mind her husband and her children. I agreed to go to counseling sessions with her therapist. The counselor wanted us to explore our past and express our anger at each other. With each session our marriage got worse. I begged my wife to stay in the marriage and keep trying to make it work, not just for us, but for the children. She refused. She said it was over.
I was reading a web site. I read that there was a man who can help me get my wife back... his name was called "Dr Malaa". I read of his good works from cover to cover several times. I immediately stopped chasing and begging my wife to return. i contacted Dr Malaa..I learned that I could change my wife. i could make her come to me and stop the divorce and truly love me....I love how this man do his native works. I really enjoyed( and continue to enjoy ) setting and achieving my goals with the help of DrMalaa I love how this spell caster gave me hope. It took just 12 hours of his work on my wife, but it worked!! My wife came back. For the first month that she was back, it was touch and go. I continued to spread the good news and teqnics of the doctor, and now things are better than they have ever been in our marriage. We're like newlyweds again.
If you need to save your marriage and your family, Dr Malaa is the man to contact!. Thanks Bradley Lal!
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I want to share my testimony on how i was able to get back my husband around September last year with the help of Dr Ekaka. My husband left me for over 3years and went on with another lady and i was unable to move on with my life because of the love i have for him last month i saw a testimony on the internet on how Dr Ekaka help someone with love spell so i never believe it but just have to try my faith which i did and i contacted him on his email: ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com and he told me what i need to do and after 2days i received a call from my husband asking me to come back to him it was all like a dream to me i am so happy now as we are back together again thanks to Dr Ekaka and i will advice anyone in need of help to contact him.