Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Shoot, it got to Wednesday and I did not manage a MF entry yet dear readers, hmmmmm, wonder if anyone would really notice if I just bought one back from 2008? Na, probably not!

Italian American online poker romeo Antonio from New York had never been shy about his love of the ladies. In a coup even significant for the 19 year-old 'ladies man' Antonio yesterday managed (Melted Felt can exclusively report), through smooth talking and natural charm, to obtain the AIM Id of Dave 47, a redundant bearded truck manufacturer from Detriot.

Dave, screen name Sheleebaby3, used the picture of a 14 year old girl found on one of his favorite teen-chat websites - apparently to avoid value bets being more than 1/3rd of the pot.

When Antonio complimented his good looks in the chat-box and then continued by saying a succession of nice things about his play at the tables - Dave / Shelee could not help but become somewhat flattered. When Antonio started getting to more personal matters it was inevitable that AIM Ids would be swapped.

We could not reach Dave yesterday as he was busy hanging around his local school with a pair of binoculars. However Melted Felt understand that the Greyhound bus tickets have already been purchased... Antonio will bring his good looks and fantastic white smile... while Dave is planning to stock up on KY Jelly....

Friday, 19 February 2010

Time for another rapid round up of the weeks poker news, Dear Melted Felt readers, before you spend the entire weekend drinking to numb the pain of your banal existences... Of course, this week has been dominated by the big 2 poker sites once again, with a record number of bad-beats recorded in last Sunday’s million and the FTOPs on as well… in other news:

- Barack Obama met the Dalai Lama to discuss the increasing amount of Chinese short-stackers in micro buy-in No-Limit Holdem games. The Dalai blamed this squarely on that obstinate bunch of Reds loosely known as the Chinese government. This restricted Obama’s response, since they not only produce all that cool plastic sh1t that Americans love, but have a fvck off big arsenal of nuclear weapons too… after considering mandating 50 BB minimums, Barak realized that he already banned gambling and so changed the subject of the discussion with the Dalai Lama to comparisons of popular hair-care products.

- Poker players on popular forums escalated the war of words this week, by insulting those players who went out of their way to find fish to play against. The all new ‘bumhunter’ insult is now open for use for any player who dares to actually attempt to maximize their profit instead of playing a giant leveling game with other regulars in an attempt to see who has the biggest e-pen1s. And you know how to lay claim to the biggest e-pen1s of all? Just accuse your opponents of overusing the term 'bumhunter'... hmmm, best ask Leathera55!

- Finally we bring you a tale of international intrigue, assassination and false-beards after a slow-roller was found dead in a hotel room in Dubai. Israel’s secret service Mosad have been implicated – however as with previous strange deaths of players who run down their time bank with the stone cold nuts when facing an all-in, the service has refused to either confirm or deny the accusations. British officials are meanwhile said to be furious that fake British passports were used in the assassination, claiming slowrolling may be rather irritating, but murdering slowrollers is just not cricket.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

You may know already, dear Melted Felt readers, that Pokerstars have started to allow play in many currencies other than the US Dollar. With accounts now available in Euros, British Pounds and some other odd currency only used by a small population of French-speaking Eskimos (Can-ad-ian Dullarys or something like that?), the population of the world no longer needs to divide the pot size by 0.78412 to decide how much calling that bet really costs in terms of the number of curries you could buy with the money.

Far from accusing Stars of using the switch to increase their rake, we will today focus on rumors (started by us, here, erm now) of plans which will make even the smallest stakes grinder feel like a real pro. Yes readers the Peoples Republic Of Laos may be a beautiful as sleepy backwater of Asia complete with French-colonial buildings and the most chilled communist dictatorship on the planet - but it may also hold the currency for your new Pokerstars account.

With an exchange rate of more than 8500-to-1 this is the ideal currency for small stakes grinders to feel like they have hit the big time - instead of playing at 5c / 10c you will now be at a nominal 400 / 800 table - when that river bet goes in for what would have been your stack in a $50 game you can be shipping almost half a million into the middle... like a Durrrr after a paticularly spicy Thai red curry.

Since you are not actually allowed to take the Kip currency out of Laos, we are wondering exactly how the mechanics of this new option will work... but what the hell, who you trying to kid that you are actually ever going to withdraw, huh?

Friday, 12 February 2010

In an exclusive so made-up you'll actually be ever-so slightly scared when you find out that the authors of this blog do not use drugs, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you a story that is all hearts, flowers, chocolates, cards, romantic candle-lit dinners and, erm, poker.

Yes, Titan may be looking to crown the king and the queen of hearts on the 14th of Feb, many players will shrug, stick out their bottom lips, and take their loved ones for a nice dinner before pretending that they still enjoy sex all these years and 25 pounds later... though there is a certain demographic who are suffering out there - and it is Stars who came up with the oh-so-perfect solution!

Since so many players would like to give the illusion that they are balla in various poker forums and communities worldwide, but are really broke, ugly, unfit, have bad skin and often stink of damp - Stars will enable changes in screen name between 8pm and 2am on valentines night!

This way skinny pale poker players whose only experience of women come from p0rn sites can pretend how p1ssed they are at having to break their poker schedule to take out that awsomely hot blonde on forums - while really playing their regular games. Once 2am comes and they revert back to their normal player Ids they have the perfect opportunity to brag about how great the sex was and say how pleased they are that she fell asleep after the 4th time... enabling the player to get back to the tables.

An insider told us that online poker players who wish to brag to their peers in exactly this way could actually make u 98.2% of the player population - making the special promo well worth the charges for the new code.

Well, we are off for a candle-lit dinner with the Melted Felt Mole on Sunday - can't wait.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Have you ever put your dignity aside, dear Melted Felt readers, and begged for money in the chat box of an online poker site? No, neither have we - though the Melted Felt Mole reguarly tries to gather cigarettes using this method at Pokerstars... You have undoutedly seen them though - hordes at every pro table or big paying final table trying to extract a $5 transfer which they *promise* to pay back...

Bad news dear readers, the fact is that the union of FTP rail beggars invested their funds in triple-A rated credit default swaps based on the fact that property prices can only ever go up - and now have a big issue with their very own demographic tidal-wave of retiring railers - just at the very time when their pension fund has hit a record deficit!

This has actually been made worse by the fact that rail-beggars pensions are not based on their average score, but on their final-score. So, a beggar who gets a $10 transfer has a huge incentive to retire early even if his long-term average beg was closer to $5 - and then expects medical, municipal and living expenses to be picked up by the state almost immediately, even though in a non-union role they would have to rail beg for 20 more years.

Of course it is the younger generation that suffers the most with this unionized greed - and by decree all underaged and non-union rail beggars will now have to ask for a minimum transfer of $7.43c, of which $2.43 will go to the union coffers to pay for their future pensions. A tax taking money out of the beggars economy to pay for the retirees just at the time when the investment was needed the most (sound famililar yet?). What is more a separate agreement ensures that for every 10 beggars a new role of rail begging coordination and training supervisor will be established, paying 5 times the mimimum wage with retirement at 45 and a lifetime final salary pension...

Do not worry though folks, the unions have found a great way of getting their bloated public pensions back on track, they are going to leverage themsleves and go long on commodities currently being stockpiled by China - after all, it is different this time, so the price of commodities can only ever go up.... erm, no, wait.... hang on... anyone want to transfer me $5, I'll pay it back - honest.

MF

Come back tomorrow (or maybe the next day) for our fantastic scoop on a 'face-saving' valentines day poker exclusive!

Monday, 8 February 2010

nother sensationally invented inside story for you today, dear Melted Felt readers, using our usual receipe of 1 part 'the truth', the juice of a squeezed lemon and a liter of Jack Daniels, served overice. As the poker world is both shocked and saddened to hear that big-handed elder statesman of poker and wearer of huge hats Doyle Brunson is to retire from poker!

What those darkened-room dwelling internet poker types missed when writing their news releases is that Doyle is planning to focus on the competitive sports for which he made his name in his youth, before breaking his leg in a freak combine-harvester accident.

At 76 you might think that Doyle, who famously beat three other opponents to win the 1962 World Series Main Event, might be a little old for the triathlon... some commentators are already questioning whether years of sitting in chairs in smokey back-rooms could have affected his big-meet form for the pole-vault and one or two doubters are wondering whether having loose skin around the jowels would constitute a risk-factor for the javelin?

Making room for training for the 2012 London Olympics will not be easy for the nearest we have to Poker Royalty Mr Bruson, who will surely miss watching people squirm as be reraises their trickly but mis-guided internet-learned bluffs all-in, watching the latest thing come and go year after year while counting his oh-so-giant piles of money... however, we have a message not only of hope, but of encouragement - yes Doyle, Melted Felt have gone beyond the call of our normal public-service duty... and arranged for Mike Mattusow to join your coaching staff.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, Friday is here once more - that day when slaves in corporations throughout the world will celebrate their upcoming freedom for 2 days of watching the same old sh1t on TV while eating, the land(s) of the free huh?

Anyway, enough about freedom - it is time for yet another quick-fire Friday roundup of all the poker news and gossip!

- First up the rather shocking announcement that Jennifer Harman is to give 1% of her earnings this year to The Cure. What the ageing goths from England who are famous for predicting 9/11 in their 1979 single 'Killing an Arab' need the money for is anybodys guess? And what the hell is Jen going on about Kidneys for?

- Next it seems Party Poker are not content to steal small balances from inactive real money accounts, they have actually capped play money at 250k chips each to stop the shady play-chip mafia from chip dumping and reselling. Legitimate play money players are up in arms and threatening to take up train-spotting instead unless the situation is quickly resolved. We love the fact that real money players are reading these 'play money war' items and feeling superior... are you really less sad? Really?

- Merge Poker will soon be eating a yummy slice of Cake according to reports, when Sportsbook Poker and Players Only Poker complete their network move. We understand that all 5 players currently thinking that the animated smilies are cool on the Merge network are really looking forward to having some new opponents...

- Finally, just in time for superbowl weekend, Mastercard have decided to spoil the party! Yes, with doors to payment options slamming shut all around the poker and gambling sites have been forced to set up yet another tunnel committee to find a work around. We were going to place a large bet that the entire senior management at Mastercard got their superbowl bets in just before the crackdown was announced... only our mastercard would not work at our favorite sportsbook to place the wager, or something.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Back-to-back public service posts on Melted Felt? We must be going fvcking soft. Anyway - energy drinks, including Red Bull etc, may taste like sh1t, but they do contain massive levels of lovely caffiene as well as yummy complex sugars. In addition to causing massive amounts of regret when you finish a couple of cans when on deep runs in two tournaments at 3am only to bust from both 5 hands later and sit staring at the ceiling all night unable to sleep - these drinks can aid concentation, attention and aggression at the virtual poker tables, which can dramatically increase the win rate of winning players and the loss rate of losing players and the chat abuse rate of chat abusing players.

So, we thought we would review some of the most popular brands and see which one was best for poker players.... here is the result:

1) Red Bull: Tasted like a chewy fruit cocktail mixed with sick, and immediately gave us a welcome respite from fatigue - no noticable increase in concentration, though to be honest we only just sat down at our online poker table and are waiting patiently for the big blind.

2) Sobe Adrenaline Rush : This one tasted like a liquid bag of pick n mix mixed with some Old Spice aftershave and gave us hickups. Effects were unmistakable, we could see through 4-bet bluffs, owned thin value and were sharp enough to re-raise while insulting opponents in the chat box on both tables and repeatedly typing /thread in popular poker forums simultaneously.

3) Juiced : Tasted like a lollipop coated in the fluff of a reasonably old dog. We are starting to get bored with 2 tables now and so started up 2 more, things are still going well decision-wise and we are up $32.64, no $31.64, no $44.93, no $27.12. Have decided to chat with some friends on IM to let them know how we are getting on and are about to add more tables, hey this is GREAT!

4) Full Throttle : Tasted like burned bubble-gum mixed with Baby Bio. We liked this one and feel a boost in both concentration and enegy levels straight away, missed one great check-raise opportunity by standing on the office chair while playing and dropping the mouse at a crucial moment. Amazing how profitable raising and re-raising every hand on all 8 tables can be... why did we not think of this one earlier? Just tore Harrington On Holdem volume 2 into small pieces with my left hand... raise the fvckers again!

5) Sparks : Tasted like whichever of the other brands this was before being repackaged, then mixed with a bit of gin. Amazing stuff, we are now able to play catch by bouncing 2 pokerstars stress-balls off of different walls while maintaining the 8 tables, and paradiddling with our feet. We seem to be getting some abuse in the chat now, but really difficult to keep up with the comments after entering 4 tournaments on the side. Think we might be down in money, those guys re-raising were bound to be bluffing, have stopped raising every hand and now only raising every second hand on each table to see if this makes any difference , got any chewing gum?

6) KMX : Our can of KMX tasted like those love-heart sweets you used to crush up and snort up your nose for a laugh [you did fvcking what? - Ed] mixed with that patch of damp in the hall you have been meaning to deal with for ages now and simply can not resist licking. 16 tables is now far too slow, those people on IM are after me, and I don't know why or which of my opponents can see into my eyes and onto my screen and know whether I am raising with solid values, trying to raise with only odd-numbered pairs but not working. Running to the kitchen to turn a different fridge magnet upside-down every time I bluff - too many callers, can not start any more tables, trying to get another poker site going now, oh why oh why are they all looking straight into my brain?

7) Amp Energy: Tasted like, well, all the others, in much the same way as all aliens look like the ones from Close Encounters. We started this more than 40 minutes ago now and it has become very confusing, the kick, the 27 tables, the increased heart-rate, what do they mean reload cashier AGAIN, why are all the tables blinking, what do they want from me? Having trouble playing now, we are lodged firmly between the walls of the hall and have the mouse but it will not make anything click, help, the mouse detached from the laptop, my phone is ringing and lots of people on messenger are asking me what I am talking about, but what are they talking about? where did all my money go? got to put more in, more, more again, not messing about now, moving up to where my raises are respected, why, why does the whole world now seem so damn s-l-o-w?

8) Hansen Energy Pro : This one tasted like a stale lemon-puff dipped in sugar and then balsamic vinegar, we can not see the screen any more, but think we are winning the poker games, but if we come out from under the desk then the voices in the screen will see into us and make us put in even more money, if they catch us they will explode our brains, we will make a dash for it as soon as they turn away, ah,the babble, they are trying to talk us out from here with blinking lights, what if we have aces,? Then will someone come and rescue us from under the desk... I need to move, feet are trying to escape, voices telling me to make a leap through the window, rush poker is the devil incarnate, eating the soft flesh of the Sit N Go tournaments one by one while they blink their confusion and pain, but they will see me, they will come and get me and make me raise again, I dont want to raise, let me call, we were tricked, the voices said to do it go to escape, through the window, only 8 meters down, hel.....p.... C*R*A*S*H

MF

PS: Thanks to Prop, Matt, Nikki and TJ for their assistance for creating this post!