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Fuck This Fucking Juice Diet, Seriously

Do you want your body to be completely cleansed, and nutritionally fit?

Do you want that weird, empty feeling you get after doing a poo of having absolutely nothing in your system, at all? But all the time?

Do you want unicorns to fly out of your arse and lead you to a pot of gold at the end of a Skittles rainbow, where golden cherubs will shower you with petals weaved from angel hair, and the lover of your dreams will grow out of the ground wrapped in an Egyptian cotton sheet?

Well, you are in luck: I have the answer for you. It’s called the ‘Juice Diet’, (or, alternatively, ‘Juice Plus’, which implies that you’re eating Juice PLUS something else but, SPOILER ALERT: that ‘something else’ is yet more liquidised food). Jen loves it, Gwyneth loves it, SJP in all her wisdom loves it, and you will love it too. I’m sure you have heard about it, or at least seen an instagram or two of it. Many a celeb has been pictured touting their liquidated lunch and toned stomachs; probably also whilst curling a dumbbell, and juggling a small brood of blonde-haired children. Committing to the ‘Juice Diet’ is actually very simple. All you have to do is get rid of all those yucky carbs (eww), all that horrid protein (double eww), and while you’re at it, that pesky will to live can go too. Yes, you may occasionally feel faint or fatigued, but it’s fine! You will be spending so much time on the toilet, that the amount of time spent standing will be minimal to none. Many of our juice dieters prefer to install a fridge in their bathroom (or a toilet in their kitchen) to minimise standing time, and so that the juice-to-shit cycle can be continual, and undisturbed.

Convinced? Me fucking neither. So why do I keep on seeing pictures of people drinking a concoction which so closely resembles algae/pond scum? No amount of Instagram tinting can make these slurpy concoctions look appetising.

I was intrigued at first. I thought perhaps it was like that time when Heinz (the jokers) pulled purple ketchup out of the bag. I wondered, Have Quaker Oats made a Halloween porridge?! Will I be lolololling at my desk as I eat my green breakfast, and all my colleagues think I’ve gone mad? No, not so much. It’s just another diet that I will definitely, 100% be avoiding like the plague.

But I have read a few blogs of people trying this ‘Juice Diet’ out. The consensus seems to be that it just makes you hate the world for week; that’s when you’re actually able to think of course, and are not overcome with feeling like you’re about to pass out. It’s OK in the end though, because by Sunday night your jeans will be a bit baggy around the waist. Get in. Having read various accounts of this Satanic scheme, I went on to look at some of the suggested ‘meals.’ Here’s one:

That is not a meal. That is a sauce to go on my pizza. Calling it Bruschetta Tang just makes it all the more snide, mocking you as it does for the absence of bread. It’s like calling those juice that frankfurters come in ‘essence de hot dog.’ Like I said, not a meal.

Seriously, where did all this madness start?

Unsurprisingly, it is a Hollywood spin-off. Like most ridiculous trends, it began at the top, and slowly filtered its way down to us regular folk, who, despite the fact that none of us are preparing for million-dollar parts, are now expected to forgo our Friday bagel for juiced kale instead. I think John Webster may have been discussing juice diets of the 17th century when he said that society ‘Is like a common fountain…if’t chance/ Some curs’d example poison’t near the head,/ Death and diseases through the whole land spread.’ Webster knows it. ‘Death and diseases’ may be a slight over-exaggeration, but from this regime you can expect flaky skin, hair loss, and rotten teeth. Yay! I suppose if our teeth are becoming redundant with this diet anyway. If the trend for liquid diets continues apace, perhaps they’ll just evolve away.

So, which exquisite sadist are we to thank for the only regime that legit makes you shit molten lava? Well, the explosion of the ‘Juice Diet’ is often credited in particular to American Joe Cross. Your average Joe, Mr Cross was just a casual 100 pounds overweight when he made the (catchily titled) documentary Fat, Sick and nearly Dead (as opposed to the Thin, Sick and Nearly Dead you’d be if you lived on liquids alone forever.) The documentary follows Joe as he takes on a 60 day purge of solid foods, and readily sheds the pounds. Mr Cross looks great by the end; a lot healthier, and lighter of course. However, when you are 100 pounds overweight, any change of diet will help you lose it; anything less than he was eating to maintain that weight and it was going to fall off him. It’s science.

You don’t need me to tell you that idea of a crash diet just simply does not work. Your body’s metabolism can’t cope when you inevitably begin eating normally again, and you end up piling back on those previously- shed pounds…and more. It is as if the words ‘lose weight fast’ are some kind of universal hypnosis cue. Once uttered, even the most rational of audiences will fall into a trance, and believe whatever the hell you decide to tell them.

To be fair, some are benefitting. No one who actually undertakes this farce, but the CEO of Breville Juicers is laughing all the way to the bank; as are dentists of the world. But all the people who are ingesting smoothies that look like what comes out of my cat’s bum when she’s eaten too much grass? Nah. What I will be doing is bottling said cat excrement, branding it ‘Innocent ShitMes’, and going on a cruise with the lads from Breville, and the British Dental Association.

It, almost literally, is a load of bullshit. And if that’s not enough of a deterrent, here are five, very clear, very simple reasons to avoid this load of tripe:

1. Chocolate fudge cake

2. Sticky toffee pudding

3. Yorkshire puddings

4. Cheese-stuffed-crust pizza (Dominos or Pizza Hut- your choice)

5. My favourite: slutty brownies

Feel free to amend the list to your fancy. Oh yeah, and here’s another reason: the fact that you need solid food TO LIVE.

- GA

Note from editor: As an editor I feel I have to intervene here and say that, on the topic of stuffed crust, Pizza Hut is the clear winner.

Very funny writing but juicing is an efficient way of alkalizing your body (getting the right PH level) as you need loads of greens daily as well as omega 3′s, good quality light and water and love (importantly self love) to be happy & healthy on a cellular level. The aim is to have less processed or nutritionally dead food (on a perm basis not a temp fix then back to midnight cheap-street-meats) that big business has tricked us into buying and for the most part hooked us on sugar and trans-fats so that we buy more of it. The same goes for tobacco. Do you wanna hear my theories on sugar & tobacco and Slavery money? All ‘big business tricks’.Yogis have promoted raw veganism for 6000 years (it also teaches that garlic and onions promote a libido focused mind which I personally don’t have any issues with having). I love Vagenda. Vive la Vagenda.

Vagenda, I completely agree with you on this. Dictionary definition of processing: verb, [with object], perform a series of mechanical or chemical operations on (something) in order to change or preserve it. So…juicing is processing, but of course it’s ‘natural’ processing or something, isn’t it? Have a glass of juice, but don’t live on it, everything in moderation, balance etc etc. Eat real food!

I’m not disputing that you need lots of greens and omega threes, and that juicing may be an efficient way of getting these. However, your body is perfectly capable of keeping its pH at an appropriate level regardless of what you eat (unless you’re a cow, then poor diet could genuinely cause acidosis via a complex interaction of bacteria, your rumen and other things, which I won’t go into here. And I mean literally a cow, I’m not using it as a derogatory term).

“The aim is to have less processed or nutritionally dead food” — Umm once the fruit or whatever you are juicing is picked.. isn’t it then dead and slowly decaying ? Does that mean your juicing techniques bring them back to life :O

I amend it to less ‘highly’ processed food…& more live foods like sprouting, freshly picked food, fresh..Omega 3, 6 & 9′s are not made in the body and you have to eat it & if you don’t have enough…well these are the benefits. OK, I’ll bore off now.Improve artery health by helping to reduce plaque buildup and blood clots in arteries that lead to the brain.Improve cholesterol by lowering triglycerides and elevating HDL (good cholesterol) levels. These benefitscome primarily from DHA and EPA. Learn more about fats that fight cholesterol.Improve joint health by reducing joint tenderness and stiffness associated with arthritis and osteoarthritis.Improve bone health by positively impacting the body’s calcium levels, reducing the incidence of bone loss.Improve mental health by helping to insulate nerve cells in the brain, allowing these nerve cells to better communicate with one another. People who are deficient in omega-3’s may suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, and ADHD.Improve skin health by helping to alleviate symptoms related to skin disorders like acne and psoriasis.Improve bowel health by reducing inflammation of the bowels, helping alleviate symptoms of Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis.Improve lung health by reducing inflammation in diseases like asthma. To read more on this topic, click here.Improve menstrual health by reducing the pain associated with PMS and menstruation.Help prevent cancer. Colon, breast, and prostate cancers have all been correlated with low intakes of omega-3′s.

OK, I can’t bore off just yet…We eat what we have been taught to eat but maybe we don’t know enough because we didn’t research it for ourselves and perhaps not beyond ‘how to lose weight and look good in clothes’ in a magazine with a women repressing frame of reference. I’m discussing focusing on the nutritional value of food and not calories. Your body craves food that meets its nutritional needs, not bloody calories. Have you considered that when one never feels sated that it is because the foods mainly eaten are low in nutrition or are dead/zombie foods? I’m passionate about this because eating fresh lives foods mostly and dead foods less so improves wellbeing, healthy women make healthier choices for themselves, their families and communities.

Do you people (Suffolk… & Lucas Moore) constantly search the internet for ‘Juice diet’ so every time there’s a new article you can weigh in? Show me the scientific articles that show that your diets actually have any benefits please.Some of what you are saying sounds legit/common sense (eat fresh foods where possible) but some of it sounds like unscientific ramblings (an efficient way of alkalizing your body??).

SSS- Um, no, I think we’re all aware that what you eat and drink does have an effect on your health (y’know, McDonalds all the time = bad, fruit and veg = good, some chocolate won’t kill you…). I’m sure nobody was saying that.I think your ridiculous claims were being questioned. Do you have any peer-reviewed scientific papers you can find to prove that your views on ‘alkalinising of the body’ is a benefit of juice, for example? Or to support your theories on sugar and tobacco and slave money?

No, I don’t search for this subject, in fact, this is the first online forum that I’ve commented upon. I think that juicing is an efficient way of getting loads of fresh vegetables into my body (opposed to eating them) & that is the upshot of it all. Please research PH levels (Acid and Alkaline) for yourself if you’re interested, or not. I still think GA’s article is funny and expresses her very valid opinion. However, eating mostly fresh foods makes me feel better than eating nutrient low foods. It isn’t mumbo-jumbo just most people’s palettes are fucked due to the pressure to eat cheap foods, made for profit and not for our health. I say that not as a judgement of you, or in a competitive way, this is an emotive subject. You can pick my words apart all you want but if you’re interested you will check the facts for yourself, as I do, instead trusting the research that I might present.

So, you’re saying that you agree that eating well is not your issue with my shared thoughts but my use of the word Alkalizing, how about PH level then? Is that the ridiculous part? Can YOU present some scientific papers that prove that the body isn’t affected by acidic or alkaline foods? Are you that confident that my views are unscientific?

I don’t know… Are you thinking about peer-reviewed articles published on an internationally recognized scientific journal, or just some internet blurb? I mean, we have teeth, so we are obviously made for eating solid foods. And yes, we need vitamins, mineral salts and all the goodness that comes from plants. If you like to ingest them in the juice form, it’s up to you. But we also need some solid food. Getting our energy exclusively from juices is not enough.As for the pH debate, there are also some opinions (dismissed by official science) about acidic pH being preventive towards cancer. I personally don’t believe this, nor does official science, but that just shows everybody can say anything he/she wants and put is on the internet.I know official science/medicine can be flawed or not understand everything yet. But that’s because it proceeds relatively slowly, since every statements needs to be backed by lots and lots of data – unlike random internet blurb.Oh, and we, as human beings, have a buffering system (based on a carbonate buffer,to make it simple) that keeps our blood pH within optimal ranges.

Have one juice, use your teeth in between, I’m not talking about only living on juices? Even the most high raw vegan devotee would suggest doing it short term as you can become overly sensitive to your environment. You do this for health reasons though for the long term. Some of you will consider upping their veg intake, some won’t. Luckily, our bodies have a desire to be well, constantly fighting illnesses incl cancer on the regular. Until it can’t, the reasons why it can’t do so are various but some say inflammation due to eating acidic foods etc is the main contributor. You know it already though, it’s simple, it’s basic but it is hard to change your mind set cause trans fats, salt, sugar and carbs are addictive and it’s all that we know, it’s normal, everyone does it. Right? We fear what we don’t know? Do you read your food labels? Do you ever refer to the dictionary to check what you’re putting into your body, ever? Did you ask your Mum/Dad to produce a peer-reviewed article before supper when you were a kid then? Or, is it me, that has to show you the proof. If you’re interested, look it up for yourself. You may have to walk off the western medicine path a little to get the facts, you may have to blend your basic knowledge and understanding (as is mine, as you can tell, I am not a scientist) and to do some pain in the arse work to get to the truth, maybe make some mistakes but the bottom line is, you know when you feel good, think clearly, less fearful and indecisive, when your hair and skin looks good, when the ridges on your nails become smooth because you know that your cells are getting the foods that they need, you may not become slim but you will become energetic/vital. The scientific food pyramid is linked with big business and whatever they are selling I’m afraid. Doctors used to sell cigarettes, even up to the 80′s cigarette manufactures said there was no link between cancer and fags. They used ‘official science’ to back up their lies and the anti fag activists were considered looney by the general public. We are what eat people, no getting around it. Do you want to be made of hard to digest, chemically preserved, mucas forming, acidic foods or fresh organic, high nutrient and water rich foods? Please don’t be scared to check it out for your self, for your health. All said with passion and much love x

SSS, I don’t follow the western pyramid (I am not american) and I don’t eat processed foods, especially if it comes from the big company we all know. Now that I put this out of the way: yes, I read food labels. Yes, I know what is inside processed food. I have a PhD in chemistry and I took biochemistry exams, so I should have a vague idea of how our system works. And if you talk generally about acidic foods, I can reply citruses are acidic. Ascorbic acid (vitamin C) is an acid. Oleic acid, the one in olive oil is an acid. So, no not all acidic foods are evil – but I don’t recommend ingesting sulfuric acid anyway.And I didn’t ask peer reviewed papers to my parents when they were feeding me lots (I mean, really a lot) of vegetables and beans, most of which from granma’s field (who lived to be 82, healthy and independent ’till 2 days before leaving us), or locally produced meat, or bits of cheese and occasionally fish. And when they’d feed me sweet treats on special occasione. And right now, at almost 40, with a degree they didn’t have, I realize I didn’t need to: they were doing just fine.So, it’s ok to drink juices (but not totally rely on them for nutrition) if you like. It’s possible to eat right and be healthy without approaching a centrifuge in your whole life too – just as granma did