Todd: Asking someone 'Where are you from?' could show bias — or start a great conversation

“Where are you from?” has turned into a multicultural minefield. What some used to consider a basic curiosity has become politicized.

Activists and a number of scholars have added “Where are you from?” to the list of phrases they judge as “micro-aggressions,” which they define as inadvertent slights that can do lasting psychological damage.

Given our multicultural society, one would think asking “Where are you from?” could be a helpful way to get to know a fellow human being. But things are not that straightforward.

I recently conducted informal surveys of friends, family and colleagues and found roughly half, regardless of ethnicity or migration history, are OK with the question. Another half are wary of it.

One white person suggested that inquiring about origins “others” someone.

However, a recent immigrant cheerfully said she quickly tells people where she’s from, so people can get to know her.

Another said she used to like it when people asked why she had a red dot in the middle of her forehead, but these days most North Americans pretend they don’t notice.

“Where are you from?” is even the focus of a YouTube video, in which a stereotypically buffoonish white male actor asks variations of the question of an Asian-American woman, who explodes with sarcasm. The “educational” video has been watched 9.2 million times.

Some of the domestic and immigrant North Americans I have interviewed believe asking “where are you from?” can imply the person being asked is not a bona fide Canadian or American. Those I talked to usually clarify that it depends on how the question is asked.

The concept of micro-aggressive questions is proving controversial, as programs to combat it are arising at hundreds of North American campuses and corporations.

“Where are you from?’ has been lumped in with other phrases considered harmful by people like Prof. Derald Wing Sue, author of Race Talk and the Conspiracy of Silence. They include, “We are all humans,” “I don’t see colour” and “I believe that the most qualified person should get the job.”

One of the many troubles with the movement to eradicate micro-aggressions is it’s based on an “open concept” characterized by intrinsically fuzzy boundaries, says clinical psychologist Scott Lillienfeld of Emory University.

Microaggressions are distinct from explicit acts of racial discrimination and superiority. They are said to represent implicit prejudice, under-the-radar acts purported to damage their victims.

But, as Lillienfeld writes in the magazine Aeon, there is no scientific evidence they harm anyone. And, perhaps worse, they put everyone in a double bind. People can be charged with being micro-aggressors, Lillienfeld says, for both showing interest (“Where are you from?”) and for not showing interest (“I don’t see colour”).

In other words, a micro-aggression is entirely subjective, requiring what cognitive behavioural therapists term “negative mind-reading,” which they encourage clients to avoid.

I took the “where are you from?” issue to University of B.C. social psychologist Ara Norenzayan, a Lebanon-raised specialist in global diversity studies.

“As you can imagine, I’ve had my fair share of being asked this question. I guess I look and sound ambiguous, so people can’t easily place me,” Norenzayan said.

“It all depends on how it’s done. I’ve had experiences that were a wonderful opportunity to share different cultural experiences and backgrounds, when the question comes from a place of empathy and genuine curiosity.

“And I’ve had experiences that were quite annoying and the conversation hit a brick wall, when it was out of context and I sensed a lack of openness and curiosity. I think in a place like Vancouver, where half the population was born outside Canada, the question could be an excellent invitation to learn about and celebrate Canada’s diversity, if it’s . . . non-judgmental.”

So, somewhat like Norenzayan, I urge North Americans to err on the side of asking about national, ancestral or ethnic origins. It involves a social risk, of course, because whether one is being judgmental is in the eye of the person being asked.

But it’s probably better than succumbing to silence, not to mention mutual suspicion. We have to step up our social game to counter the slow death of community that appears to be occurring.

Even though it might be easy for me to say — since I’m a journalist and it’s our job to come up with questions — I’d urge residents to start asking about a whole variety of things.

Would it be so bad if we relaxed a little bit, and biased ourselves to getting to know one another? You never know, we might meet someone we like.