I started this blog when my husband and I were expecting our first child to document my pregnancy and warn people of all the things nobody tells you about. Then it followed our family's journey through secondary infertility. It turns out I forgot as much as I learned. One might think that motherhood has softened me...
One would be wrong.

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Saturday, December 27, 2014

The struggles we went through to conceive Z are well-documented. The intrusive daily ultrasounds, the daily needle in the ass, finding out we were having twins and then losing one of them early on. It was heartbreaking. Then there were the pregnancy complications. The Subchorionic Haemorrhage that never did resolve during the course of the pregnancy. That was followed by an unexpected spike in blood pressure, which lead to stress contractions, which got the clot flowing, which caused a spontaneous rupture of membranes (SROM). Broken waters + no labour = a repeat c-section instead of the VBAC my heart was set on, and the rest is history.

All in all, it was a pretty shitty year. Except for, you know, for the awesome baby that came as part of the deal. The Husband and I discussed permanent measures to prevent pregnancy because of how hard everything had been on us both. We decided that if I did end up having another c-section, we would have a tubal ligation done while they were in there. I had all the consent forms done in advance, pretty sure that it wouldn't be necessary because surely the second time around, after everything I had been through in BOTH pregnancies, I would get the birth experience I wanted.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck you, fate!

Image: David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So I had the surgery, my tubes were tied and the deed was done. For a year, it was all good in the hood. Z didn't sleep through the night and frankly, I am closing in on the Big Four-Oh. I am too old for this baby shit. Or so I thought...

Now M is nearly six, Z is a happy, thriving toddler and I just couldn't be any happier. Except that deep down, in places I don't really like to talk about or even admit exist, part of me wonders if there isn't the teeniest, tiniest little bit of me that regrets making a permanent decision in the throes of another difficult pregnancy.

Oh, I know it's crazy and this little family of ours is perfect. But it was supposed to be THREE kids, had we not lost Z's twin. Is there something missing? No, not really. I'm sure if we hadn't made the decision at that moment we would have made the same one by now and we'd be in the exact same spot. I'll just give my babies a great, big hug and stick to wondering, "What if?"

Monday, December 22, 2014

We've all heard of cold feet, the anxiety-driven "fight or flight" thing that happens before a big life event. But I'm not talking about that kind of cold feet, I'm talking about literal cold feet. I'm mere weeks away from a significant milestone birthday, and some of the more unwelcome changes that come with age are starting to creep up on me.

Specifically, my feet turn into popsicles late at night.

Now, granted, some of this may be related to the night time temperature in my house, which I keep cool because of extraordinary cheapness. But that can't be all there is to it, because I have always kept the house cooler at night. No, this is strictly a case of mother nature messing with me. A few months ago I decided The Husband deserved better than a wife who fell into bed in the same clothes she wore all day, that had since been covered in a thick layer of puréed food and toddler snot. I started wearing actual "Lady of the Manor" night clothes to bed.

Any benefit gained by this change has been summarily negated by my new-found need to wear SOCKS TO BED like a 92-year-old man. Because nothing says sexy-time like running a sock-covered foot up and down your husband's thigh at night.

For my younger readers who are wondering what they can do to avoid this plague of the feet, the only words of wisdom I can offer are these: DON'T GET OLDER!! That's it, that's all I've got. Oh that and maybe try to find some evening socks that match my night clothes...

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

She's alive! 18 months after welcoming our Little Cat Z to the world, the fog has lifted. A lot has changed, most notably my decision not to go back to full-time work after my maternity leave ended in June. I'm a bona fide work at home mom, squeezing in all the freelance writing and PR consulting I can during naps and after bedtime. M's after school programs are a breeze now that I'm able to make it to something that starts at 4:00. Z and I fill our days with trips to a neighbourhood play centre and running all the errands that filled our weekends when I worked outside the home. It's always busy, it's sometimes exhausting, and all this extra time with my kids makes every single sacrifice so worthwhile.

Perhaps the biggest change has been my feelings about self-care. Turns out that I finally got the message: I can't be a good mother or a good wife if I don't put my own mask on first. Which brings me to the latest operation: STOP HIDING FROM THE CAMERA! If you've been around here for a while, you may remember Operation: Try Again and Operation: Momentum from way, way back in my pre-pregnancy days. I had every intention of getting back on the wagon shortly after Z was born. However, he is not a Unicorn Baby like his sister, who was sleeping through the night at six weeks old. Little Z took until he was nearly a year old to get with the program. There I was, damn near insane from an entire year of fragmented sleep, and feeling pretty icky all the time. Something had to change.

Monster Dash 2014

Enter The 21 Day Fix* It really is as simple as it seems. Follow the meal plan, do one video every day (there's a modifier for those just starting out), and ta-da! I also further modified the exercises on my own to avoid activities that bug my bad knee or those that could worsen my diastasis recti. Now, I know what the cynics among you are thinking... Well, duh! If it involves eating less and moving more, ANYTHING will work. To that I say, well smart ass, why aren't you doing "anything" if it works so well? Oh, that's right! Because getting started is a lot easier with the structured approach of an actual plan. In the initial 21 days, I lost nine pounds and several inches, including 3.5" off my waist.

That was in June. I have continued following the meal plan (more or less) and have gradually been increasing the intensity of the exercise. I joined the gym again and have been consistently going several times a week. I ran a 5K this fall, proving something to myself and setting an example for my daughter who ran the family race with me. I'm now down 27 pounds, my waist circumference and waist-hip ratio are *thisclose* to getting out of the danger zone, and I can get through the day without collapsing in exhaustion in the evening. I can back off on the efforts now, right?

HELL NO!

Next up, Insanity Max 30* I'm no longer doing this because I want to get pregnant. I'm not doing this for my husband. I'm not even really doing it for my kids. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! I'm tired of avoiding the camera or not sharing family photos because I'm worried about the extra chins or the size of my belly. So, I can do something about my self-esteem and my body image, which would require a time machine, or I can do something about how woman in the frame looks to me any everyone else. Since I haven't been able to find any time machines, I'll have to keep going on the weight loss. Dammit.

You, dear readers (all 6 of you who may still be around), get to come along on this journey too. To keep myself accountable I'm launching another mission. Operation: Get in the Frame commences on December 29th. You can expect semi-regular progress updates, and eventually I may feel like sharing some Before & After pictures. Stay tuned!

* Disclosure: I am not a BeachBody coach, I don't have plans to become one, and I am not being compensated for sharing my feedback. However, my friend Sandra is a BeachBody coach, and the links to the programs I have used with success are associated with her profile. If you place an order, she will earn the standard coach's commission. If you don't want to order anything, that's OK. You should like her Facebook page anyway, because she's lovely and she shares all kinds of motivational tips and anecdotes.