Home Improvement

Home Improvement (1991–1999) was an American television sitcom series, airing on ABC, about an accident prone host of a Detroit, Michigan television program about tools, who raises his dysfunctional family.

Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.

Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.

Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

Jill: In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.

Tim: What's your point?

Jill: My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?

Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.

Jill: When he was in that Christmas play, all the other kids just stood up on the stage, Randy... STOOD UP, ON THE STAGE!

Tim: Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!

Jill[explaining her trashy romance novels]: I know it seems silly, but some of these are very well-written.

Tim: Really? [reading from the book, in a deep voice] Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the STAIRS, to a NIGHT, of ETERNAL ECSTASY! Oh, PLEASE!

Jill[embarassed]: Okay, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.

Tim: Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.

[Tim has just dropped a heavy trunk in the garage, and is moaning in pain]

Tim: All this week, Al and I will be doing our salute... [Tim and Al salute, following by sound of tools dropping] ...to toolboxes. You know, a well-organized toolbox says a lot about you as a man. [Al snickers as Tim sets his normal-sized toolbox next to Al's larger toolbox] What is it, Al?