It’s a tough situation. Your kids come over from the city for the weekend before the election, decked out in Obama shirts, buttons, and rally signs, and ask if you’re ready to vote this year. “Yes, of course I am,” you answer. They didn’t seem to notice there are no Obama signs in your front yard, that you change the subject every time they bring up how much they hate Mitt Romney, or the Book of Mormon sitting on the hall table.

How do you break it to your kids that you’re NOT voting for Obama this year?

You know what I mean, right? Sure, 2008 was great, and for a moment after you voted for Obama, you felt pretty cool. You went with the guy all the young kids were voting for, you helped elect the first black president, and your own kids thought you were the coolest parents ever. That lasted about a week. Then we went back to not being cool and they went back to ignoring us except when they want us to pay their smart phone bill again.

So being cool for a bit was fun and all, but I think I’ll go back to voting how I usually vote. I’m just not sure how to tell my kids, “I’m not really a liberal. I was just experimenting.”

So I did some brainstorming and came up with a few thoughts on how to subtlety, or not so subtlety, break it to your kids.

How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year:

Tell them you’ll vote for Obama when the job market improves to the point that they can get a job and move out of your basement.

Confess you never really liked using youtube and twitter to follow politics anyways.

Leave a binder marked “Women” somewhere they’ll see it.

Put a question mark next to your 2008 Obama “HOPE” poster and leave it somewhere they’ll see it.

Mention that you’re just really excited Sarah Palin isn’t on the Republican ticket this year.

Say, “Your father and I are getting a divorce.” When they start to cry, say, “Just kidding. We’re just not voting for Obama this year.” It will make not voting for Obama seem less important.

Mention that, since you pay to fill up their gas twice a week, you’re not that excited to vote for a president who doesn’t like drilling.

Say that even though you don’t actually believe in all the “birther” rumors, you don’t really consider Hawaii a part of the US either.

Tell them Joe Biden hit on their mother.

Say you’ll vote for Obama as soon as they stop “occupying wall street” and start occupying their own apartment.

Tell them that it’s been long enough after George W. Bush that you don’t feel so crazy scared of republicans anymore.

Tell them you’re just trying to disprove the old adage, “Once you go black…”

Teach them a valuable lesson: a kiss is not a contract, and killing Bin Laden is not a vote.

Now that “change has come to American,” you’re kinda ready for it to change back to the way things were when everyone had money.

Tell them you’d rather be right than cool.

So there it is, I hope this helps. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few copies of “The Audacity of Hope” I want to put on eBay.

Just a reminder to everyone that Saturday I’ll be hosting the Non-Alcoholic St. Patrick’s Day celebration at Moons Field. We’re going to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day the way our ancestors would have wanted: stone cold sober.

That’s right, no booze! That means good ol’ Irish fun without the shenanigans. We’ll have plenty of ice cream, board games, and if you must, nonalcoholic green beer!

I decided to host this party after City Counsel rejected my proposal to curb St. Patrick’s Day over drinking by limiting the city to only one Port-a-Potty for the night. When that failed, I decided throwing my own sober party was the only way to go.

Why do we have to celebrate being Irish by drinking too much? The thought itself is offensive! My great grandfather Shane McWood fled Dublin after being the preeminent, and only, voice for the Irish prohibition movement of the early 20th century. Upon reaching Ellis Island, he changed his name from Shane McWood to Sean Wood, not only to Americanize, but also not to be recognized by an Irish drinking song that was really popular in New York at the time:

“Oh Shane McWood, Shane McWoodTried to take our brew awaySo if you see him sneakin’ ‘boutPunch his face and stab his eyes outBite his toes and cut his throatTie his nipples to a galloping horseStuff a bottle up his arseAnd hang him by his peckerYes, hang him by his pecker”

Children’s songs were much more violent back then. So my great grandfather changed his name. But soon, other Irish in the Lower East Side began to be suspicious of his true identify. So he packed and moved to the most obscure town he could find: Byron Valley, known today as Byron City.

He even knew our city’s founder, Byron Wilkes. When they first met, an old and withered Byron called him a dirty potato-eating mick and spat in his face, and Sean Wood stuck a fork in his shoulder. They remained close friends throughout their lives.

So come celebrate your Irish Heritage without being a nuisance! See you all Saturday.

I have noticed that some people, not me, are talking about this Kim Kardashian.

Is that how you spell it? Anyway, I’ve heard that she has divorced her husband after only two and a half months of marriage. As head of the Byron PTA, a treasurer for Byron’s Women of Today, and as a Christian, I feel a need to speak up about this.

Now, I don’t watch much TV because I think most programs are trash, but I have been noticing a lack of good examples in the media and so I thought I’d start my own list of fun and exciting people that our children can look up to.

1. Ronald Reagan

Ronald is one cool cat. He wasn’t just some old fuddy-duddy president. He was an actor. And he was a Presbyterian. What a cool dude!

2. Stephenie Meyer

Miss Meyer wrote a series of books called the Twilight Saga. You’ll notice that there is no swearing, crude innuendos, and the two main characters refrain from intimacy until they’re married. Plus, they’re so fun to read!!! I finished all four books in two days. Parents, you can feel safe letting your ten year old daughters read what this awesome lady writes. And who knows? Your boys might even like it too! I know mine do.

3. Lindsay Lohan

You remember the cute little girl from The Parent Trap? My kids tell me she’s even more famous now! How wonderful for your children to see that good kids can star in good movies and grow up to be famous actors! I vote we all try to be more like Ms. Lohan and stand for good in the media.

Like this:

I’ve noticed that many folks are celebrating National Breast Cancer Awareness Month this October. One of my neighbors is pinning a pink ribbon ridiculously close to her bosom and my sister in-law (who is already quite a rebel) bought a shirt that says “Support your B**bs.”

Now, I don’t want to be insensitive here, but breast cancer has become one of those new excuses for women to perk up and for men to look up pictures of it. I’m talking about the immoral obsession with women’s chests.

When I was younger, a lady never talked about having breast cancer. She kept it tucked inside under a very modest shirt and never told anyone about it. Why don’t we just stick to that?

Wikipedia says that the month of October is also National Book Month. That’s a wonderful holiday. Or National Bullying Prevention Month–let’s stop those mean old bullies! Or LGBT History Month–I know I could go for a sub sandwich right now!

So many good causes. Let’s keep things G-rated and stop focusing on the bosoms here, okay, ladies? Now go on home and make you and your husbands a delicious LGBT sandwich!

Hello to all you fellow Byronians! I’m Susan Wood, your local PTA treasurer of Byron Elementary, vice president of Byron Women of Today, and director of the Byron Presbyterian choir. I have a wonderful husband, Greg, and three beautiful children. My oldest plans to go to Brown when she graduates high school, but that’s a few years off. I’m a mother before anything else. Period. And that’s what parenting should be about. While I’ll mostly be here to talk about the issues facing our children, the leaders of tomorrow, I’m also an avid gardener, hunter, and book reader. Check back regularly for more news on education, hobbies, and raising children!

Today I want to bring up a serious issue in our public schools: inappropriate use of funding! My oldest daughter came home yesterday and told me they were going to quit the 4-H club that meets after school and I just about had a heart attack! Marie was just starting the program and now she may never know how to properly care for our land and livestock.

I remind you friends and family that land and livestock are the backbones to our town! Ever since the drought of ’86, 4-H has been a safe haven to all families of Byron with land to protect.

So what is 4-H being dropped for? Well Marie told me that the high school’s performing Pippin! Now, for those of you like me who didn’t know anything about this musical, Pippin was written by hippies in the 70’s to promote drugs and sex. And the sets and costumes are so expensive! Marie said Mr. Van Allen, the drama teacher, wants to have the whole set turn around into another set. That’s our money, folks!

I have already talked to the ladies at Byron Women of Today and they are fully prepared to protest the cut funding. PLEASE stand with me and rally together to save 4-H! We can’t let these hippie plays take the money from our cows, our farms, our children. Stop by my house for an informational meeting this Sunday at 8pm. Greg will heat up the barbeque and we’ll have ribs while we talk about saving our farms and livestock.