The human brain may contain up to one trillion neurons. These nerve cells are interconnected, as shown in this microscopic image, so that they can transmit electrical impulses—and information—to other cells.

Apparently our brain also clears away unused neurons…

So this is me clearing away the old & creating the new…Can we literally change the way we think by trusting our brain to create new pathways? Aka neural path ways…

There is so much about personality disorders, depression, etc. Is it possible to learn new ways of thinking, just by making the effort to change the way we think. As in ‘I see that in myself’ then learn new ways around that negativity…

I know positive thinking works. I know visualisation works. I have proved this to my self many times. I have suffered from depression in the past. I literally hit rock bottom, then found a way to clamber my way out of that deep treacherous dark cavon of despair, through self ‘cognitive therapy’ I never realised what I was doing, until I looked up CBT…

So ‘Cognitive behaviour therapy’ is like creating new neural pathways in our brain? That makes a lot of sense to me…

Obviously you have to put the effort in & you do have to learn ways to let go of certain negative thoughts. I have got this aggravating {aggravating to me} long memory. I can remember details from as far back as when I was 2. I remember near enough every negative thing in my past life. Those thoughts, those so called memories, would just POP! right in my head…Ugh! I have learned to think ‘STOP! thinking’ & distract myself…

The other week I had what I now realise was a panic attack. It dawned on me…’I was having panic attacks’ all these years, but I taught myself coping strategies. If I allow myself to think deeply about something which hurts me, it can lead to so called anxiety & stress…

Taking the myer brigs personality test…I took it 4-5 times, to be sure that I really am a INFJ…OMFG! It is the best thing I ever done for myself. Apparently us INFJ’s are rare; only 1% of the population. When I started reading all I could on my INFJ personality. It was like a light went on & a heavy burden was lifted off me…The burden of ‘Disliking myself’ Of criticising myself. Of self loathing…I am a pretty special person, now I actually like myself…when I spent years thinking I was a horrible, bad, unlikable person…

INFJ (introversion, intuition, feeling, judging) is an initialism used in the publications of the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) to refer to one of the sixteen personality types. The MBTI assessment was developed from the work of prominent psychiatrist Carl Jung in his book Psychological Types.

I’m still unlikeable to the mainstream peeps, but who cares…

I know of at least 4 people with personality disorders. A narcissist, borderline personality & 2 histrionic peeps…I have taken the personality disorder tests as well. I took the test as ‘Nervous break down me’ &…well…me! Nervous break down me was bordering on border line personality disorder…but…I don’t need attention, or have a break down at what I perceive as rejection…

Nuff said for now…I am going to build some more neural pathways, lol…Or just ‘Read!’…

My breathing is particully bad…{250 lung capacity} So any natural help is much appreciated…

They help deter illness

We have not put the heating on yet this year, but when we do. I will have purer, more humid air. I might need to water more often? I will look that up…

They clean the air

“Yaaay!”

They boost healing

Well my houseplants certainly make me feel good…So I am more relaxed, calm, a soothing contentedness every time I look at my plants…

They help you work better

Maybe I should find myself a cosy hidey corner. Surround myself with more plants, more plants is always best when it comes to plants…& start writing my fantasy spankee stories…’Mmmm!’ bamboo, willow ‘Birch’…lol…{That just confused any vanilla folks}

See…my sub/spankee self is still here. She will never go away, she is a huge part of who I am. I just need to keep working towards a way I can be my sub/spankee self & not be aggravated by the dreaded…Ugh! scene!…I might put a self imposed ban on myself using that word. First I need to get it out of my system…

Right! I got that out of my system. Now ‘Let it go!’…Move on…Create my own sub/spankee life, through writing ‘fantasy’ stories & forget the real life screwed up ‘scene’…

The END!

From now on. If I mention that word. Or blog about that which can no longer be named…I will write a short fantasy story…Not that I want my mind to associate my writing fantasy, with the negative thoughts I have about the whatsitsface…No, mind…I am just training myself to put my sub/spankee thoughts to good use…

I feel so much more calm & content, since making the decision to ditch the scene. A huge sigh of relief, like a HUGE! bitchy burden has been lifted off my shoulders…

Ryan is popping back this afternoon from number 51, to visit. He moved out yesterday morning {Smiles} He is probably picking up more of his stuff, but his making it around 2.30pm, so he’ll see his Dad as well, so Dad will probably get to see him more then when he was dossing here. I mean living here, lol…

Anyway…As I was going to use as a blog prompt…”What you allow, is what will continue”…It may seem a tad dramatic to some. Well many. Because the scene clique mentality is rife & cliques think enmass!…I am no longer allowing myself to feel that niggling aggravation, because I feel disappointed & disheartened. Also used & abused…

Its like someone who attended a few of my parties. He is a really nice bloke. A quite distinguished gentleman, we got on quite well…Though there was not exactly any conversation. He was just caning me…HARD! One strength fits all…HARD! Too HARD! He is one of the few I have had to stop. I don’t use a silly safe word, I just say, quite firmly ‘That hurts too much!’ & if it carries on ‘I have had enough!’…

Anyway. He sent me a pm. I never told him who I was…but he wanted to chat. In the end I decided not to chat, because I knew I would not play with him. I could take a lot of pain, I was a bit of a pain slut…but I love it for the after effects; it is not a competition, in the end it got to over crowded. I don’t care that so & so took 50 & never moved, in fact she bratted in a whiny voice ‘Have you started yet’…{Yawns!}

Oops! I brought back the disappointing, disparaging, often disheartening, so called fecking scene into my mind…See ‘Mind fuck!’…I believe in the power of our own mind & my mind is telling me. No SHOUTING! at me. This is not right. This feels all wrong…

Personally…I don’t feel the BDSM/spanking scene is emotionally, mentally healthy. Not for a person who is being themselves & for a INFJ…who can spot a fake person at whatever paces. The scene is a CONSTANT! mind fuck!…

Soooo! I need to remove myself from the situation which can potentially cause me to be fucked ‘Mentally’…Not even psychically. Jeeze!

As my husband describes me. I am a straight thinking person. The scene is…well…full of kinks…

…& breath…relax…

In with calm…Out with stress…

I am going to stop now; go & make coffee, then look at my gorgeous plants. My plants sooth my soul. All the BDSM/spanking scene does is AGGRAVATE! & GRIND! on my every frazzled from the clique peeps ‘nerves!’…

Actually…I’m making it sound way worse then it really is. In reality, I am laughing as I blog this…Not crazy, lost it, manic, like…noooo…more 80% calm me 20% can see all the fecking scene flaws…

So I made a huge decision last night. NO MORE! sub me. Well obviously sub/spankee me is there…but she is going to be sent to the corner of my subconscious mind…I don’t like the scene. I don’t like the mentality of the scene. Meeting a decent Dom/spanker is basically few & far between. That is often tainted by the ‘Community of lovely, like minded’ mentality {Rolls my eyes}

Obviously that is a people trait…Community! Everyone knows your business. Lots of kissing up, lots of gossiping & back stabbing, lots of smarmy, fake nice-ness. When in reality, people are only interested in themselves. That sounds cynical? Everyone is ‘Lovely!’ ‘Wonderful!’ You should see the good in everyone? Yeah! Right! Grow up buttercup!

I don’t like groups of people. I like individuals…I don’t like someone treating me as part of a community, rather then ‘Myself!’…That sounds weird? Probably is, because people in general do need a community of people, but then again they also need attention, approval, to be the centre of attention…Mind you, that would be more extrovert peeps, then introverts…

All this ‘One set of actions & values fit all’…That is…Well not particully the right way to be…That sounds negative? Maybe to some, to me it is being realistic. If I was to meet someone; use their name, ask them questions about themselves, allow them to talk about themselves, smile, look interested in what they have to say. Do the odd giggle for whatever, use small talk, brat, whatever!

I’m wrong? As I said. I like individuals. I like conversation. I prefer the so called black sheep. The people communities types often judge, I prefer those people to the conforming community of ‘Lovely, like minded’ peeps…A lot of the time, the lovely peeps, well they’re judging, bitching, slagging you off behind your back…

I try to see things from another persons point of view…Their individual point of view, not their ‘Fitting in’ conforming point of view…Its like one person who was a c*** to me. I just blocked her, so she can’t see me {I hope!} & I can’t see her {Phew!} They think she’s lovely, fun-fun-FUN! I feel she is a manipulative, vindictive, jealous, insecure person, with mental health issues. She has not had a particully good life, so I can understand her actions to a certain extent…but…Every other person in the community takes on her ‘Emotionally’ insecure ‘victim’ mentality as the truth…NO! PEOPLE! Think for yourself…

I would be her friend. I would find her personality quite endearing…but she hates me, through no thought of my own, other then being myself. Myself is ‘Reserved!’ Keeps myself to myself. Ignores, rises above, puts a smile on myself & enjoys what I’m doing…but I am very quiet, I am a introvert. I do get on better with individuals, I do get on better with men, because men in general, are more interested in the sub/spankee me, then how much loveliness I could lavish them with…Though, if a woman tells them not to go near someone…Dom or not, they do as they’re told, lol…

I want to leave all that behind. I’m bored with it going over & over in my mind. When all I want to do is get on with everyone, be nice, treat everyone with respect, but there they are, the lovelies, being judgy, bitchy, gossipy, not so lovely people, but it seems ‘like minded’…If you make an effort. You make friends. It is assumed my quietness is ‘Not effort!’…Me, I feel people should just be themselves & accept others for who they are. I accept those people for who they are, but I don’t accept the way they treat others, or me come to think of it, though I’m used to it, after years of being ‘Me!’ a introvert in a world where we have to be extrovert to fit in…

Yeah! I could act. I could just talk {If my mind did not go blank} I could listen to respond, rather then listen to understand. I could just talk bollocks. I have listened to group peeps. I’m sorry, but they just ‘Talk!’ talk-talk-talk ‘Laugh!’ but they’re not actually talking about anything interesting, its just words…Or gossip. Gossip keeps the words flowing, lol…

One of my good friends. He can talk for Ireland…but he talks about stuff, he does not just babble & giggle. It is conversation. Very fast conversation, but conversation non the less. He gets on with everyone…He has literally been told not to talk to a certain person…I assumed it was me, but I could not be arsed to press him for more info {Yawns!} Of course he likes me, so he spoke to me anyway…

Another good friend. He can talk for England, lol…but he talks. He has a conversation. He is a really friendly guy, just like my Irish friend. I get on really well with this friend. Even though he is the scenes most hated & black listed…{Grins} I’m grinning, but his quite hurt by it. He is black listed through gossip & a Ex from over a decade ago. See vindictive. There is no need for it. Why the need to destroy people, to destroy reputations, just because they had a relationship which broke up…Jeeze!

I have this as well & over a decade ago…Strange creatures that these clique people are…It sounds personal? Probably is, but this is the mentality I am talking about…Ohh! Ranting! Right!…Its strange how people giving a negative opinion on some negativity they disagree with, is ‘Ranting!’…{Shrugs!}

Oh! Yeah! That ‘Talk for England’ friend. He does have a tendency to give as good as he gets, but MORE! He points out their flaws, they as a ‘Community’ gang up on him, lol…

I woke up feeling slightly depressed today, its like something is about to happen, which I know I won’t like. I don’t think my wilted sunflowers helped, so I gave them a good soak, its lovely now the sun is here, but soooo! much watering plants ‘Ugh!’

I got the ‘Well you’ve failed on yet another diet’ vibes from my husband & I feel like slapping him around the head with the Paul McKenna ‘I can make you thin’ book, because I’m past explaining myself. He would say ‘I know how much it makes you depressed’. Yes being fat makes me feel ‘Ugh!’…but it is more my lack of energy which makes me feel down…

My INFJ brain is playing up. Probably one of my weaknesses. Where I start to pick up on someone taking the pee, being passive aggressive sarky, but then I’m left thinking ‘is it me?’ am I over reacting. I think he is just trying to be funny, but to me its not really funny, its sarcastic, I don’t particularly warm to sarcastic people, I find them quite rude & antagonistic. Face to face I just laugh, but Inside I’m left thinking ‘Rude!’

This site I’m co building. I noticed there was green on some, a few amber, too many red to feel comfortable, apparently it is to do with the readability, analysis, which is basically traffic lights. I have been trying to tweak all the red & amber posts, to turn them green. I really wanted to keep the site down until all these things were ironed out…

…but…’Grrrr!!!’…I won’t moan. It makes me sound like a bitch, lol…

I am having great fun in Fetlife. I am trying to comment in the different groups I have joined, I am also trying to keep up with responding to messages. Hmmm! The sarcasm, the use of ‘I’ {Rolls my eyes} We’re exchanging messages, now emails to get to know each other, so he wrote in this weird confusing way, which made me wonder if he was drunk…& he kept putting {showing off} after every few weird sentences. I was ‘Eh?’ Please, mate! Stop!

Yeesss! There is a lot of ‘I’ I am not going to write in the whateverperson…One, one? what is that about, I read it like I was slurring my words. Why the need for total perfection, that you start to be a sarcastic old git, patronising me instead of talking to me. As new sub me, new improved SOD the tosser’s…I am taking those people out of my life straight away, I don’t need that kind of hassle in my life, there are far more important things to worry about…

Not that I worry about much these days. I learned not to worry ‘One learned not to worry’ {Tw*t!} The thing is. That is some minor & mundane, not worth thinking about, but I don’t want to waste my time with someone I know will eventually really start to irritate…

Ohh! Yes!…I also blocked someone on my Fetlife account. I dare say the first of many to come. Sorry ‘One dare says’…Ohhh! FECK OFF!!! This man was the typical Domly Dom ‘cliche’ Me Master, you mere female slave. I know I made a mistake loving one of his pictures he had a shared, it was just a punny meme…

Basically the bloke is a douchebag. He wanted to discuss my desires, but it was more of a demand then a opening for conversation. I was very polite, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, then he started frantically waving red flags at me. I definitely don’t need his type in my life ever again. One narcissistic, emotional abuser is quite enough thank you very much…

My new sub approach…Never try to explain to a patronising, passive aggressive A hole, especially when being polite, tactful, diplomatic, friendly & still the douchebag gets all passive aggressive anal…Just saying…

I am having a great time building a website with my friend. It is looking pretty amazing already. Or maybe that is just my opinion at the mo. I am combining my weight loss journey with my new sub me journey. It may not be kinky talking about veggies, mind you…………………………………………………

At the moment I feel empowered. I don’t want to shift all my focus onto my sub life & let my healthy eating, weight loss journey get forgotten about. So I’m combining the two. They do go together anyway. Also my self esteem & body image issues, after all my sub life is ‘attractive orientated’…I don’t for one minute believe that it is not, but this journey is all about me…

That said. There are people who find fuller figured women attractive. Though I don’t agree with the objectifying a woman as a fetish. The term BBW ‘Big beautiful woman’ is a positive term, but if you are left thinking ‘Soooo you think I’m fat?’…sorry, lol…

I did lose my confidence when I started to feel too old, too fat, too past it…Basically based on one man, not even a man I was in a relationship with. He did make me feel crap about myself, but then again I allowed him to effect me, because of my own insecurities. So he is a tad narrow minded & self absorbed, that is his problem…

Mind you I do have a tendency to get things into ‘logical perspective’ which can be quite hurtful, if I express my thoughts, so I keep my opinion to myself, otherwise ‘Wow!’ what a complete bitch…Its like my perspective of him. A lecherous, fat, unkempt, old man, old enough to be my father, lusting after young girls young enough to be his grand daughter…& his a retired social worker…Hmmm! See, best keep that sharp, cutting, opinion to myself…

So should I be forgiving? Of myself yes. My opinion still stands, just best kept hidden, lol…Seriously though. Where do you draw the line? Do you allow rudeness & thoughtless words to wash over you & act like you don’t care, but deep down it is having a slow acid effect, slowly breaking down your self esteem…but society says you should not care & you should not react ‘Positive thinking!’…

I believe in balance. Like yin & yang…

I do very much believe in positive thinking. I believe in the power of our mind. I know it sounds weird, but just by changing my thoughts to an image, it helps me deal with it. Rain water running through limestone. I was watching a documentary last night about sink holes, apparently rain is slightly acid & over time breaks through lime stone. Interesting stuff…

Well I am going to dilute these peoples acid words, there will be no more eroding my self esteem. I know, what am I going on about now, lol…

I am very interested in psychology. The way our mind works is so intriguing. One thing I have noticed, but should probably block out. There are sooo many prejudice people, its like they don’t think logically, or independently. Its like a video I shared on Facebook. I am going to say he is the opposite of ‘posh’, he has got no hair, shaves his head & he was using the F word quite a lot…but the words he used, the way he expressed his opinion, was intelligent, the majority would just label him as a thug, as ‘racist’ as a bigot…The majority would just think ‘well he must be’ Because they are not listening, or appreciating that we are all entitled to our own opinion…

I can’t control, or change these things, so I put them to the back of my mind…I can control & change my own thoughts, my own reactions. Also ‘negative people & their negative vibes’ I do tend to steer clear of places where these people reside. Unfortunately sometimes this means I miss out…

Ummm! All that fuss about eating cake. I decided to work out my carbs. The 1/4 jam roly poly was 47g…’Gasp!’ I bet my blood sugar level sky rocketed, then all that insulin ‘tut-tut’…but…I ate under 90g of carbs, which is low, 100g carbs is low carb eating…

Though its best to get those carbs from healthy foods…NOT! cake…

I decided to weigh myself as well. I was expecting my weight to be back up to where I started. It is under the 15st mark ‘Yeesss!’…I don’t want to weigh myself too often, I want to get myself into the right frame of mind for weighing & measuring. If I lose 5 lbs of fat & gain 5 lbs of muscle, I won’t be 5 lbs lighter, but I will be slimmer. Also muscle burns more calories then fat…

Sometimes its easy to over look all the good things I am doing on my weight loss journey & focus on the so called bad. That cake was me eating sweet treats in moderation. I am going to start forgiving myself…

I was thinking of doing the induction phase of Atkins, then after 2 weeks building up my carbs 5g each week…but…I have decided that is too much like a diet. I am giving up dieting & changing my eating habits for life. I think 100g net carbs is low carb enough…

Its funny how aggressive & rude certain people get over ‘other people’ eating low carb…I was watching a youtube video of a woman who had been on a low carb diet for 6 months. Most of the comments were of rude people over reacting to her saying ‘High fat diet’…’ANIMAL FATS!!! ‘arrrrggggghhhhh!!!…That is people for you…

Jeeze! Learn some manners people, talk about insulting…

Anyway…

I think the stigma for low carb eating comes from the people who tried Atkins, but took the fry up’s a tad too far. Jeeze! There are other foods then bacon. There is ‘grilled’ food, including low starch veggies such as mushrooms. There is fish, chicken, turkey…

I watched a program about bad diets, of course the Atkins diet was on there, but the woman was deep fat frying bacon & living on deep fat fried, well bacon, eggs, sausage. No wonder she sweated bacon, when she was playing rugby…Chicken, fish, low starch veggies ‘Grill’…Sheesh!

Ignorance is not always bliss…

Its like the Atkins diet tv program. I wanted to slap her…OMFG! there was tears, there was craving cereal, there was head aches…Drink more water…Eat more variety. Do the research. Obviously the low fat & the cereal was not doing anything for her waist line. Its such a shame they always focus on the negatives when it comes to low carb…

The only thing which puts me off eating paleo, is the ‘No dairy’…Though I can go no dairy. I drink black coffee, I don’t mind lemon in herbal tea. I could go with out cheese, but I like cheese…I’ll look into the paleo diet, I know it is one of the healthiest ways to eat. No grains, no dairy. Meat, poultry, fish, nuts, seeds, berries, vegetables, fruit, I think potatoes are debatable…but if a caveman had dug up a potatoe……

It does look quite restrictive…Also ‘wild meats’…surely any meat, poultry & fish, not just game…

I seem to have lost a day. It is day twenty nine, week four. Today would be a weigh day…but…I am not about to let a few numbers determine my mood today. Not that I would be all moody, doom & gloom, no…but I would have that niggling disappointed, disheartened feeling…

I am going by my clothes, how I look & more importantly how I feel. I felt that I was losing focus on my weight loss journey, I wasn’t going off yet another diet at all ‘That diet mentality’…I was just not so focused, because I was doing other things. I realised that when I stop completely focusing on my ‘weight loss journey’ inside my head I feel I am failing my diet…

Successful dieting is more about your mind; keeping yourself motivated, but what about when it comes to maintaining that weight loss. I successfully lost 3st, then I lost focus, I had just moved & got back together with my husband. The weight just piled back on, with an extra 2 stone + for luck ‘Ugh!’…

I lost the extra 2 stone through not dieting, but it took 3 years. Now I want to speed things up. Low carb dieting has always been so easy for me. Because whilst eating low carb, I have no hunger pangs, or food cravings. Maaaybe I am what is referred to as carb sensitive? Maybe I caused the issues through picking at sugary ‘HIGH!’ carb junk all day long. As in my blood sugar levels…

I have been looking up more low carb foods. To ensure I have a variety of foods, that way I won’t get bored & start craving homemade chips, bread…the dreaded cakes, sweets, chocolates, biscuits…{Sighs!}

As I was saying…’Variety!’…My daughter Amy, she told me about putting salmon & tuna on skewers then putting them on the BBQ. Apparently that is tasty. So I thought grilling cheese? I have heard of cheese you can grill & it doesn’t loose its shape…Halloumi cheese ‘ZERO! carbs!’…Woooo!!!

I was also thinking ‘salads’…but leaving out the sweetcorn & pasta. On a low carb diet you can have mayonnaise. Not masses, of course there are still those little ^&%$%$^%^ ‘calories’…Salad leaves are low carb. I can add cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, any veg…with mayo, cheese, chicken, bacon, you name it…

Just no pasta, sweetcorn or bread…I do like bread, but bread is carbs, I will start adding bread as I start adding more carbs…As with most things in my life, I look into lots of different things then take what feel’s right to me. I am an eclectic person…

So I am using the principles of ‘Slimming world’ original red day & Atkins…I am starting with the very low carb induction stage, then after 2 weeks of 20g net carbs {carbs – fibre} I will start adding 5g more…

Fat free products are considered one of the bad diet foods. So I will use double cream etc. Mayonnaise, butter, olive oil…

I was chatting to my friend yesterday. Apparently he has got over wanting to Dom me…’Phew!’ Because I stopped talking to him when he got too aggravating. I am not into being ‘DOM’D!’…

I now have three friends on my new Fetlife account. Two are old friends, one is a new friend. A 34 yo submissive woman. I read her journal, which was one of those synchronicity moments. I feel I needed to read it, because I was feeling flummoxed. She is a go with the flow submissive, a let herself go submissive…Me, I’m still clinging to my vanilla ideals. Respect, self respect, manners, not being talked down to, talked at, patronised, punished, not being mentored!…Not being ‘Dom’d!’…Play is fine, if it is about pleasure & fun…

I say pleasure & fun. She say’s fulfilment…Hmmm! I feel fulfilled after a good play session. The emphasis on ‘Play’…I am very submissive in play. I am not willing to quite let go enough to ‘fit in’ She used the fit in words…Hmmm! There we go again, I don’t want to fit in with people who do things I don’t feel comfortable with, that is unfulfilling, that leaves me feeling bad inside…

No one in the scene wants to hear that. I am not a twue submissive…Its like a blog I was reading, it is written by a submissive. Me suspects she is a he & writing out his fantasy. Fair enough ‘Each to their own’ I’m all for fantasy…but…It reads like she is a fecking robotic stepford wife…This is what these twue submissives write like. I feel my vanilla judgy vibes bubbling to the surface every time I read a twue submissives words…

Its Master this. Master that. Its like he is god…Personally, for me, that is a tad emotionally destructive. Yes really want to please on a sexual, sensual, erotic level, but not in your head. Unless of course you get a thrill from being owned, dominated, trained to serve. Then fair enough. I am not quite brave enough to give someone that power over me…

“Each to their own”

I have had sessions where I have been very submissive, kissing the cane that just hurt me, submissive…but…He wasn’t my Master, he was a friend I played with. My Dom was where the full connection lie…Hmmm! I think that connection was more on my side then his, he just see a bottom, well actions speak louder then words, sir…

Not having to think, just do…’Yaaakes!’ What if he was screwing with my mind {Been there, done that, ended badly} What if he was a woman hater, belittling me, demeaning me, to get some perverse revenge on women…There are quite a few of those in the scene. Women haters. Yet we’re expected to trust them explicitly…With out the ‘getting to know them’…Ummm! lol…Dumb arse ‘Domly Dom’s’…that is what they are referred as…Basically complete disrespectful tw***…

Years ago. My friend had been chatting to a man in a vanilla chatroom {Yahoo} It turned out he was into BDSM. So she told him about me, then gave me his ad…OMFG! talk about a complete freaky nutjob. My friend was so sorry she sent him my way {Not that she was to know he was a real life jekyll & hyde}, he was such a nice vanilla man, but Dom man…He was a disrespectful, abusive, woman hater…What he described he wanted to do to me was beyond abusive. Imagine if I had just met him, because he was nice…{Shudders!}

Ohh! Yes! My friend. Apparently he is being controversial in the Ouch forum…Unfortunately it does not help his reputation. I am not getting involved. I will not be commenting. They already assume he is some fella who trolled them. The man did not troll them, he disagreed with them & told them a few home truths, but it did get overly heated…Silly me, added this man as a friend & made one ‘polite’ comment in his defense. I got attacked by the b****** It is a long boring story. They are tedious people…

Yesterday was a ‘Good enough!’ diet day. No picking all day, no binging after my red wine. So a good enough diet day. I was just doing some squats whilst my coffee was expressing it self…

From today it is going to be focusing all my mind energy ‘motivation’ on getting my garden finished. Which means more coffee, find the crow bar, clear the first bit of rotten decking I am taking up, the part I fell through, then more coffee…

A friend of mine, I know in the scene, we met over ten years ago & have sort of been on line friends for a while. He sent me a friend request. Ohhh! Sugar. Was that really him? I didn’t even question him, I just accepted…{Goes off to check…}

Seems legit…Anyway…As I was about to say. My friend from the scene. He is the Britishspanking/Ouch .com most hated. Even more hated then me, which is saying something, lol…No not really, I’m not that bad, I am only hated by a few, supposedly laughed at by the clique bitches. Not that I have done anything to deserve it. You don’t have to do anything to deserve it. If you are a quiet, introvert, who does not kiss up, you end up being taken the pee out of, by the typical bitches…

I digress…My friend ‘The most hated!’…He points out their flaws. He basically say’s what me & my friend think & feel, but we keep it to our selves. I can’t be arsed to use my energy on a bunch of people, being typical people, typical as in ‘group behaviour’…’Clique behaviour’…Here lies my problem, see ‘laughable’ I say things like that, instead of kissing up…

Why am I even bothering to blog this negative BS…Ummm! Probably because my friend decided to come back & add me to yet another Facebook group ‘groans’…I am not a group person, I don’t do groups, I don’t do ‘group politics’ I don’t do group bickering, group bitching, group bullying, group cliques…I do like independent, individual, logical thinkers, who are ‘Themselves’…who can think for themselves…

I used to chat to my friend quite a lot…We even tried to create a new site for people who need a new alternative to the clique mentality. Especially as at the time there was a particully nasty, bullying bitch in the forum, attacking people who did not think like her. She has real mental health issues, which is sad, but she was allowed too much power in the forum. In other words she was not being moderated & was often attacking people & causing drama…I stayed in the back ground as a lurker. Its safer to lurk, if you don’t need the incessant drama…

Mind you I did find their bickering bitch-fest quite entertaining. Though it was none of our business. I enjoyed seeing her being put in her place, but then she would get nastier & place the victim card & her clique arse lickers would appear to defend her. Who needs EastEnders when you have got the britishspanking forum…

I digressed again…My friend. He started to make me ‘Grrrr!!!’ when he {Male age play sub} decided that he was going to Dom me. I’m thinking ‘I don’t do being DOM’D!’…I especially don’t do being DOM’D! by a sub who is less then perfect. Here I am a happily married woman for 25 years. Four kids, a grand child & he wants to DOM! me…Feck off, matey. I don’t need that patronising, condescending, often assuming, because he is arrogant enough to believe that ‘Quiet introvert’ me is a empty headed, over sensitive, emotional being…Ugh! ‘Groans!’…

Firstly Quiet introvert peeps are actually quite strong minded. It is all going on in our heads. We think a lot & I mean a LOT!

I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need attention. I do need to be treated with respect. So he assumes I have got something under my skin, because I talk about it. I assume he is a condescending jerk, because he starts talking about it, then concludes that I am talking about it, therefore I must have it under my skin & I’m ‘Groans!’ FOR FECK SAKE! MAN!…LISTEN!

Another thing us introverts do. We listen. We listen to hear, not as the saying goes ‘listen to reply’ therefore not actually listening to understand. Hence my slowness in a conversation when trying to chat to an extrovert. I’m listening, thinking, responding. We often get talked over. It can be a tad boring…

So my friend ‘pee’d me off’ in the end, because he just would not listen…”I am not into being Dom’d” He carried on trying to Dom me. “I am a sub” He carried on making comments about me doing him & I’m thinking ‘I am not going to waste my energy, my time, my brain cells, because I would feel like crap afterwards, especially if it was in my home, after the past crap I have put up with…that is another blog post…

I can’t stand people who jump to conclusions, don’t listen, then dump their negative assumptions on me. I feel VERY! defensive when someone does that to me. I had some bad experiences in the scene, with a narcissistic A hole. My friend knew this narcissist before I did, he had dealing’s with him. I did not know the half of it. Of course I only had my so called Dom’s side {The narcissist} My friend was also in a bad D/s relationship, he feels it screwed him up…{That is another blog post & more his business then mine}

I am going to shut up now, I need coffee, then it is cupboard excavation time {Yaaakes!} I may be a long time & need many cups of coffee…{Mind you, I only have 4-5 small cups of coffee each day, I am not that much of a coffee addict, lol}

Yesterday was a pretty mediocre day {Sighs} I ate after 23pm {GASP!} I never reached my 5k steps, but I done gardening; weeding & planting up seedlings. So yeah I done the equivalent in exercise, if not more, it takes some effort to weed whilst bending & squatting. I had a splitting head ache & tooth ache, so I felt pretty ‘Ugh!’…

Anyway…Today is a whole new day, a fresh new day to eat more healthy & reach my 5k step target, as well as finish planting up seedlings. Soooo! many seedlings; lots of lovely free plants, but its June 2nd & my plants are still tiny & far from blooming, then again with this sun & the rain we have coming, everything should take off in double quick time…

Still nothing from Fetlife. Shows you how much things have changed. It used to be so much easier to find a Dom, when I started out in the scene 12 years ago. I was inundated by messages, from the moment I appeared as a newbie. I think all the women moaning & complaining about the harassment from the cold callers has worked. Then it was receive 60+ messages, sift through all 60+…maaaaybe carry on with one or two, but then come out with nothing, because blokes tend to like instant ‘Meet?…No?’ Gone!

Actually getting to know a woman appears to be beyond them, its like…If they walked up to a woman in a pub & said ‘I want to spank you’ & she reacted ‘Feck off perv’ so he goes around the whole pub, until some desperate woman agrees to risk her safety on some Jerk, she knows nothing about…Well. It seems they finally got it…

Which means trying to find a new Dom on line, is POINTLESS!!! I need to go to a party, preferably with my husband, otherwise a woman on her own ‘Domless’ can pretty much be treated like ‘Just an arse’ & I don’t mean ‘arsehole’ as in not a very nice person…

I’m waffling! As in waffling on. Not my name is waffling, lol…

I found a new site, which has got ad’s from Dom guy’s…but…So impersonal & it is the same old same old attitude that we want to meet a complete stranger for a casual ‘attitude adjusting, punishment’ for…say…not losing X lb’s…Or we got moody when we was menstruating. Or we got pee’d off at some wanna be Master, or we don’t like creepy blokes, or we feel utter despair that the perv’s have taken over the scene & we can’t actually meet a real Dom…

{Sighs}

I have literally been looking at how to spank myself & I might as well go into fantasy ‘write stories’ for myself land…If I went to a party would it feel the same way? When talking to my friend, who I used to go to parties with, I was remembering bad experiences. I said ‘I am talking myself out of it’…

I think I do need to remember…but I do need to find a way to get my fix. My husband is not into it. It does nothing for him. I can feel it does nothing for him, so it reduces it to just…well…nothingness, boringness…It is a lot about feeling…I don’t think blokes get this. They’re all ‘Women are bitchy, I can teach her a lesson, take her down a peg or two’…To them it is all about punishing, mentoring, discipline, demeaning, belittling, putting the over emotional bitch in her place…

Right. I have talked myself back out of it…I am going to start writing stories & create what I am looking for. When I was with my ‘then’ Dom. I had a fantasy ‘melodrama’ going on in my head, it helped me sleep. I would message him & tell him ‘you gave me a virtual spanking last night’…he liked that…Apparently I was ‘The one’…but he only realised that after I finished with him, because I got pee’d off with the grief his fwends gave me…Such is life…No wonder so many border line abusers exist in the scene, because the women are providing the proof that they are right…Jeeze!

I remember meeting this man at a party. We got on, we had a good conversation, he never pushed himself on me, or just talked to me, to get me, or expected to play with me, because HE! used his ‘precious hunting bottom’s’ time to make small talk…I remember when I sat near him he felt ‘Freeeezing!’ cold. As in I was cold & I’m not a cold person, I’m usually having a hot flush…Anyway it turns out he is a widow. I said to my friend ‘I think his wife was there with him’…He was soooo! Brrrrr!!!

Anyway…years later he contacts me, we get on, we exchange messages, he suggests we arrange to meet in 7 months time, so basically we get to know each other {Most **nkers don’t give a woman 7 minutes, unless it is to talk dirty}…Then it went down hill from that moment on & he turned into a control freak bloke, who wanted to talk down to me, patronise me, be a condescending d**kwad…It was naughty girl this, young lady that, you have earned a spanking, you’re trying to earn a spanking…’Does your husband know you are talking to men……..’ He lost me from the moment he started the cliché ‘Master!’ crap!

My marriage is none of his business, so I ignored him, I was not about to discuss my marriage with him. I was trying {Very trying} to get across to him, that I am not looking for someone to train me, control me…Talk about ignore everything I said & use it to patronise me…In the end I gave up trying to get through to him, that I am not looking for a on line narcissist to virtually abuse me…Real life still applies…Talk to me as an equal, as a friend, treat me with respect. Don’t patronise me, matey…

This is what I am up against…

Strict discipline in Cambridge or will travel

I offer strick punishment for naughty boys or girls. You will find the application of my school cane applied across your bottom will have a wonderful effect on poor behaviour. Although I enjoy applying the cane hard across deserving bottoms I can tailor sessions for those hot able to take it. I expect a fee for my services.Hope to meet you soon.Mr Morgan

Wow! How can I resist…& pay for the abuse…How to destroy your self confidence in a few hours. Meet a ‘strick’ Mr Morgan type…I despair! {Shudders!}

I’m aware that I am fussy…but…I have been through the narcissist emotional abuse, when I first joined the scene. My first ever Dom. He set out to screw me up. It was a game to him…’Karma!’ got him…

I seem to have evolved from blogging about my ‘Healthy eating’ weight loss journey, to moaning & groaning about the scene I was in…There is only so much you can say about healthy eating & weight loss. Personally I feel my recent GAIN! lots of weight, is since going through crap in the scene & finishing with my ‘then’ Dom of 7+ years. The thing is I deleted my private blog, which was where my negative thoughts went to be aired, dealt with, then leave it there. I think I need another ‘negative crappy thoughts’ blog…