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I thought that the grief, the sadness, the total feeling of emptiness was supposed to slowly get better with time.

For me, it's just getting worse with each passing day. Each day, yet another dozen things come to my mind that will never happen again. Each day I go to do something like call Dad for advice, or whatever, and then it dawns on me that I can't do those things anymore, and it's like being punched in the gut. It makes me suddenly nauseous for real, not just figuratively. With that I get the shakes, and rubbery legs. It's a horrible feeling. Up until that awful day, I had never seen a person die before, let alone a person who meant the absolute world to me. It was the most heart-rending, devastating thing I have ever witnessed.

I hope coping starts getting a little bit easier soon, because all of this is really taking a toll on me both mentally, and physically.

i amsorry rob it so very hard after my dad died everytime i visited my mother it felt like something was missing he was always the life of the party and then there was silence and it was hard to cope with. your emotions are all over the place at the moment. some of things i did to cope was to write him a letter i know you can not post it but getting your feelings out help. i also planted his favourite flower in garden. these are only suggestions but you will find something. that will be right for you. time is the only thing that helps my friend. and you can talk to me anytime luv kim

It is quite normal, that you feel worse right now, because everything is so new and you miss him more every day.
Like Marla said, it will take time.
I wish there was something I could say or do, to make it better.
If you feel like talking, you know, we are here.

Debbie

I may have been dealt a bad hand, but at least I'm still playing with a full deck. ( most of the time anyway).

Dearest Rob;
It is horrible to watch someone whom you love dearly die. I've been there and it is a picture that will never, ever, ever leave your mind's eye.
The whole issue about the pain getting better over time, in my opinion, is a falsehood. It does not get better; what changes is the way that you react to it. I am sorry to say that, after 13 years, I still experience exactly what you described, when the memory or the pain hits me. Only now, after 13 years, it does not occur as frequently as it did previously. But, it still happens and I still get those feelings that you described.
I, too, found that writing to Lauri helped me immensely. I started a "Dear Lauri" journal wherein I talked to her about everything that was in my heart. I did this for about 3 yrs, then suddenly one night, I pulled out the journal and it was like she spoke to me..I mean I heard a voice say, "Mom, don't do this anymore, I know what is in your heart!" I literally COULD NOT write another word. It was a very surreal experience, but now I talk to her - constantly, but silently. My best friend knows that when she sees my lips moving ever so slightly with no words coming out, that I am talking to Lauri
We are here for you Rob, we will all walk this path with you.

Well, it's been over two months now since Dad died. I've been trying to move forward with the "grieving process", but I haven't made any progress.

For the life of me, I can't wrap my head around the fact that I took part in the decision to withdraw life support. I had a hand in deciding the day and time my father would die. And then I sat there and watched the results of this decision. I held his hand, I watched him stop breathing, and I felt his pulse slow down and stop.

It doesn't matter that we were doing this in accordance with his wishes. It doesn't matter that death was inevitable whether we took him off the ventilator or not, I still feel like some kind of horrible ghoul. I feel like I made a terrible mistake. What about miracles? We could have left him on life support and a miracle might have happened. Something could have happened. What have I done. I don't know anymore.

I've never seen a person die before, let alone somebody who meant the world to me. I don't know how to deal with this.

First, I want to say that I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this right now. There are no words I can offer that will make it better, but know that I sympathize.

Second, I want to say that the emotions you're experiencing are completely valid. But I also want to say that you are not a horrible ghoul. Not at all. No, you are incredibly strong and brave and loving. It takes an incredibly amount of courage, strength, and -- most of all -- love to respect your father's wishes and make the decision to withdraw his life support. It was what he wanted, I can only guess, to pass away among his loved ones, peacefully, not tethered to machines and suffering the pain and indignity of repeated interventions to extend his life by a few more days, a few more hours. It was the most caring, loving, selfless thing you could do to subject yourself to the grief and pain of taking the action to remove his life support so that he could die the way he wanted to. You made an incredible sacrifice for your father. That is an amazing thing to do.

Finally, I want to say that few, if any, of us know how to deal with this kind of situation on our own. Because you are still suffering greatly, I hope you'll consider finding a bereavement counselor who can help you process the trauma and grief you're experiencing. There are wonderful people out there who have experience helping people get through these things. My mother had to make the same decision you made for her mother, my grandmother, and my grandmother died peacefully in her sleep, surrounded by her six children. It took my mom close to a year, though, to find her balance again, and it was only after she began working with a counselor that she was able to fully process the experience of carrying out someone's wishes to remove life support.

Again, I am so sorry you had this experience. Thank you for your strength and your love for your father. You are an example for us all.