NO VACANCY

My therapist told me once that the strongest faith is built on doubt. He could be full of shit for all I know. He is a man of faith and he could be totally wrong but he did bring this up at an important juncture in my life. Over the past few years I have been in serious doubt about certain aspects of my faith/belief in God and all his doings. While I am almost certain I believe in a higher power, God, or (insert name here) I just cannot wrap my head around a few of the core beliefs.

If I were to believe in the idea of going to Heaven as a “reward” I am not sure I would want to go. I don’t live my life constantly striving, forcing myself to do good. That would seem too manufactured. (Here is where it branches off: I don’t know if I am a good person in the eyes of God. I can’t speak for Him and cannot make that decision. I live my life in the way I see fit and if He judges me so to be a person deserving of the title “good” then that is his decision and not mine to give myself. Think of it as deciding if you were crazy or funny. That distinction is not up to you but those around you.) If given a choice I would much rather put all my eggs in the reincarnation basket. Why would I want to go to Heaven when I could continue to make the world a better place one life at a time. I believe in God but the idea of going to Heaven seems too final. If I were to retain any of myself, if I were to go, then I think I would get restless. When I have brought this up to some people they say, “Oh, no. You won’t feel that way in Heaven!” Please. Like you have ever been. You are just relaying what your faith and belief tells you. My faith tells me Heaven may be the happening to place to be but if you have a conscience how could you live the high life up there knowing people down here need help?

Maybe I am missing something. Or maybe I am hitting it spot on!

All my life I have had this view of God and faith as a very, concrete, square-peg-fits-into-the-square-hole type of knowledge; you-must-do-this-to-get-that-to-get-here thinking. I do know that when I pray, it comes from the heart. I have conversations with God and come at him with an open heart and mind. So for me, this way of thinking is not wrong. It is not right. But rather, it is what feels for ME. I just don’t think I can believe in a God who will deny good people on this earth admittance into his kingdom because they don’t believe. I don’t want to go into an afterlife without people who chose not to believe. That seems very elitist.

“You can do whatever you want but if you don’t do what I say then you can’t come home.”

I am not asking to be saved. I am not asking for for an invitation to anyone’s belief or their inside knowledge. I am not really asking for anything. No one here has the answers. Like I said earlier, it is all a leap of faith as to what we choose to believe. I bet God, or whoever or whatever you choose to believe is laughing at us being douche bags in His name. And for those that don’t believe: keep on keeping on.