Monday, January 30, 2012

I Am A Jerk

There really is no graceful way out of this for me. Except perhaps by keeping my damn mouth shut...but that's not really my style.

As I wrote earlier today, I got axed from Alexis's on-line AD&D campaign. Cashiered. Shit-canned. Later, Alexis wrote a post about what a jerk I am. A bunch of folks wrote me nice words. Someone posted an off-topic remark on Alexis's game blog (please don't do that). I thought I might just let it go, but I feel there's been enough back-and-forth wasted that I probably ought to elaborate a bit on my own feelings/thoughts on the matter.

I was being an asshole. Alexis was totally within bounds to kick me to the curb.

I am an arrogant, stubborn, opinionated guy who has the insufferable quality of thinking he's right most of the time. You may have noticed my blog is littered with evidence of this.

I also have what my friend Michael once called a "tendency" to be "inflammatory." Honestly, I really have tried to blunt my Scorpio sting over the years and I'm much more mellow than I once was. I used to be downright mean, and fairly unrepentant of things I said and wrote. These days, I try to be kinder (and curse less), but I can still be terribly obnoxious. Especially when I get my ire up. You may have noticed more than a few rants posted to this blog on a variety of subjects.

And today I was angry...about a number of things, most unrelated to gaming (it's been a rough couple days), and it certainly carried over. That's not meant as an excuse or justification: I'm nearly 40 years old and know how to be polite and mature, regardless. I was pretty short on both those qualities this morning. That's inexcusable for a man my age.

Alexis, in my opinion, was acting to protect his players and his game...its quality, its integrity, its longevity. No matter how else he couches it...that he won't tolerate assholes, or PVP or whatever...it boils down to that. I certainly can't fault the man for that.

I appreciate his passion for the game. I admire his dedication, energy, and effort. What's more, he supports and promotes role-playing, a subject very near and dear to my heart. It doesn't matter that our style of play differs or not, I want the same thing he does: for the game to continue. Period.

Now, as I said, I was being an asshole. Never mind what anyone else was doing, I can only control my own actions. And I didn't like what was occurring and I handled it poorly. And my actions drew scathing remarks from Alexis and I handled that poorly, too. And he still gave me a chance to get back in the game and I blew that...because just as Alexis is too old to put up with assholes at his table, I'm too old to kiss ass just to stay in a game where clearly there is a clash between playing styles or semantics or game expectations.

And perhaps a simple apology for not playing by the rules (his rules, those rules that I had agreed to abide by when I first signed on) would have been enough. Perhaps...but I don't know. I'd already acted like a pretty big asshole...I was surprised to even have a chance at redemption once the shit hit the fan.

So there. Alexis runs a tight ship with very specific expectations of play. I tried to interpose my own expectations (like an asshole), rather than play nice...and I got exactly what I deserved. As I said, I don't bear Alexis any hard feelings (and he can say whatever he wants on his blog...Lord knows I talk enough smack about people on this blog, myself!).

For me, the worst part of all this is my embarrassment at my own actions. I realize I can be over-the-top, obnoxious, and a pain in the ass...but I really thought I'd reign it in for this game. I didn't, and it's too bad, but life goes on.

And that's about all the self-flagellation I'm going to do on the subject; I really hope others will let it drop as well. I've got a ton of other things to prep this week...including a Super Bowl party...so I don't have a whole hell of a lot o time to wallow in self-pity.

I haven't read the whole back and forth on the blogs, but I have read Alexis' last post as well as this post. Frankly, I have no idea who acted unreasonably since I wasn't there. But as a completely neutral outside observer, I want to commend you for this blog post. It takes a lot of guts and confidence to write what you did, especially when pride can be at stake in our little blogosphere. You show yourself to be a stand-up guy.

Ditto what George said. Given this, I'm even sorrier things didn't work out, JB. I feel the constraints on play are much less rigorous than what you describe but maybe I just naturally tend to play the game in a more compatible way. I really do wish you the best.

No probs dude. In my personal opinion I think the matter was handled poorly based on everything I read, and some responsibility lies on both sides. I see his point in what happened, but at the same time, calling you out on his main blog like he did might have been a bit uncalled for as well.

Apparently, I missed some of the comments you and others wrote. Now that I've read them, and reread them, I still stand by what I wrote. Why? Because reading the actions of your character, I do not know what your intentions were as a player. You may have been out to cause trouble, or not, because of your mood. I don't know. I've had players act like that, and I didn't boot them out of the game! I've had players act worse, and as a GM I handled it. The other players handled it. Campaigns weren't destroyed. Feelings weren't hurt. As far as I'm concerned playing in character is a "GAME CONSIDERATION".

It's his game, and he can do what he wants, but now in addition to being an egotistical, arrogant jerk, he's also unforgiving. He doesn't support gaming, he supports HIS GAMING, his version of the rules, his "world". He doesn't support any aspect of the gaming community but his own. His attitude leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I CAN NOT STAND ARROGANCE.

This being said, I wish you would have posted this much earlier. By posting it now, AFTER people supported you, *ahem* you've basicly said we were wrong. I know you didn't intend to throw us under the bus, but that's what it feels like. Of course I know I'm not wrong, and I stated why in the first paragraph. I respect your honesty, but not the timing. :/

Sometime in the near future I plan on running an online PbP game. You're free to join in.

Sorry about the timing...I certainly DO appreciate the support of my readers and wasn't trying to throw ANYone under the bus. Originally, I hadn't planned on saying anything more than I did in my last post (and that was just for explanation as to my discontinuation of the assassin series).

I appreciate the invite to your PbP game; please let me know when its up and running so I can check it out!: )

I've read lots of your blog for a long while. I use to read Alexis blog until I couldn't stand it anymore. You might have acted poorly, don't know. But, you've certainly labled the wrong guy a douchbag.

Once again, you are a better man than I. I'm a Libra but I'm on the cusp of being a Scorpio (late October b-day) so I too struggle with the hot-headedness. Anyway, 'nuff said on all this, right? Back to what really matters.

Hey look. It's a bunch of people who weren't involved, who weren't invited to play, who all have opinions on what happened! Holy shit it's the internet.

I had better curb my behavior in the future, because total strangers who haven't proved their worth to anyone don't like me.

JB,

I think I understand why you took the angle you did on the campaign, and I think it WAS a question of misunderstandings and errors. And I would rather have not booted you. I think you and I both understood what I meant by the apology quote that Anthony conveniently quoted above. If it comes to the point where I have to ask for an apology, it isn't worth anything.

I didn't ask for this. And it reminds me of why I respected you in the beginning. I think you should take it down. It isn't doing you any good, except to roust out the same drama-flies that show up for everything like this.

Still, let's shake hands and forget it. There are more important things to be done.

Hey look. It's a bunch of people who weren't involved, who weren't invited to play, who all have opinions on what happened! Holy shit it's the internet.

Yeah, that kinda thing happens when you make a public post calling out, by name, a player in a game that didn't mesh well with your campaign and basically call them an idiot. People have opinions and when you post about this sort of thing publicly you can expect to hear them, especially when you handle it in the manner you did.

I had better curb my behavior in the future, because total strangers who haven't proved their worth to anyone don't like me.

Reality check time. No one has to prove anything to you, Alexis.

I didn't ask for this.

Uhh...ya kind of asked for it when you called him out in front of the entire blogging world. You should consider yourself lucky this is what you got. Most people probably would have either ignored it or cursed you out.

Well, I suppose Badmike. I also suppose some of us have something to be arrogant, stubborn and opinionated about. It probably has something more to do with what consequences come from our actions than it does with the noise others make.

There's only one person here who's opinion I care about - the man who has worked to produce this blog.

It ain't worth it, Zanazaz. Just thank your lucky stars you come off as a normal person when writing words on the Internet, unlike some others. And isn't it hilarious when people assume they know anything about your life? Like assuming you have a worthless life? It's the height of hilarity when someone makes those unfounded judgments. Oh well, like the song goes, the beat goes on...

The free spirit a relative concept. A man is called a free spirit if he thinks otherwise than would be expected, based on his origin, environment, class, and position, or based on prevailing contemporary views. He is the exception: bound spirits are the rule; the latter reproach him that his free principles have their origin either in a need to be noticed, or else may even lead one to suspect him of free actions, that is, actions that are irreconcilable with bound morality. Sometimes it is also said that certain free principles derive from perverseness and eccentricity; but this is only the voice of malice, which does not, itself, believe what it says, but only wants to hurt: for the free spirit generally has proof of his greater kindness and sharp intellect written so legibly on his face that bound spirits understand it well enough. But the two other derivations of free-thinking are meant honestly; and many free spirits do indeed come into being in one or the other of these ways: But the tenets they arrive at thereby could still be more true and reliable than the tenets of bound spirits. In the knowledge of truth, what matters is having it, not what made one seek it, or how one found it. If the free spirits are right, the bound spirits are wrong, whether or not the former came to truth out of immorality and the others have kept clinging to untruth out of morality.Incidentally, it is not part of the nature of the free spirit that his views are more correct, but rather that he has released himself from tradition, be it successfully or unsuccessfully. Usually, however, he has truth, or at least the spirit of the search for truth, on his side: he demands reasons, while others demand faith.

Ha! I was just referencing the DCC game in a post I was composing. Though to my recollection I don't recall instigating any fights with fellow PCs. My memory is of being stabbed because I was a 'loose cannon.'

This is the way the world "ought" to work in my humble opinion. Two grown ups settle differences amicably.

I don't know what happened, but I certainly appreciate the fact that you two came to a rather hasty peace over the dispute. Seems to me that we see the axe ground for far too long on the internet...Only because it's good entertainment.

I wouldn't say they both settled it amicably. I'd say Alexis took a chance to make an uncalled for post on his main blog to draw unwarranted attention to a private in-game situation, and JB took the high road. If anyone in this dispute acted amicably, it was JB. At least that's how it works in the world where normal people live, eat, and breathe.