Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Ahoy There, Water Fred!

Owing to the government shutdown, I am not able to use the letter "Q" today, so I hope you will bear with me.

If it's any consolation, just think of it as democracy in action.

***UPDATE***

I just got word that I can use the letter "Q," but I just won't get paid for it.

Crisis averted.

Speaking of municipal matters, there's a movement afoot to put a bike path on the VerrazzannoVezrazano that bridge between Brooklyn and Staten Island that costs like $175:

Which I only mention for one reason:

Have you ever rode your bicycle around the neighborhood and wished that someone had designed a route that would let you ride around the city, the boroughs and parts of New Jersey in a single, all-encompassing loop? Well, crazy exercise person, your dreams are one step closer to reality as the Harbor Ring Committee has published the Harbor Ring map, and the only piece of the puzzle still missing in a bike lane connecting Brooklyn and Staten Island.

I don't care much about the grammers, but "have you ever rode?" That's like saying, "Have you ever did mescaline?" (I hasn't.) Look, I'm sure the Bensonhurst Bean is under tremendous pressure to keep traditional Brooklynese alive in the face of rampant gentrification, but I expect more from a newspaper named after a legume.

As for the actual question, which is whether I've ever wished to "ride around the city, the boroughs and parts of New Jersey in a single, all-encompassing loop," I'll admit a bicycle slog through a densely populated and heavily industrialized metropolitan area is certainly an item on my bucket list, right above flossing a cat's teeth and right below camping out in JFK airport for two weeks.

Still, I'm certainly in favor of the bike lane, though I'd imagine many Staten Islanders will oppose it, if only because gentrifiers are extremely fond of places that are both vulnerable to hurricanes and inconvenient to the rest of the city unless you're traveling by bicycle (Red Hook, Fort Tilden, and so forth), so if they can ride their Linuses over the span of the "Big V" it's only a matter of time before Richmond County falls to them like a hand-carved artisanal domino.

Schiller, a designer by trade, found a few small manufacturers that made floating kits that would allow any bicycle to snap in. He said the inflatable attachments he used Friday, which can be carried in a small bag, came from Italy and cost about $1,000.

Yeah, sounds like something a designer would do. Also, when asked why he didn't simply use a small boat and place his bicycle inside, he simply responded with a blank stare, and then softly farted.

On the Oakland side of the bay, it took Schiller less than 10 minutes to transform his road bike into a water bike. He wore a T-shirt, board shorts and a flotation device, but no helmet.

They guy riding his bicycle on water wasn't wearing a helment?!? Hopefully next time the Chronicle reports on a cyclist getting hit by a car they'll go out of their way to mention whether or not he was wearing a flotation device. In fact, if they're going to go interjecting random details, I think whenever they mention anybody in an article, no matter what they're doing, the reporter should specify whether or not they are secreting a live gerbil in their anal cavity:

"There's a lot of case law that has developed around the issue of whether or not vehicle accidents can be subject to criminal action," NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner Susan Petito explained. "The DA is a critical part in this. They will be able to tell us whether or not the case is prosecutable under a lot of case law that is developed separate of the penal law."Vallone asked Petito if she could sum up that case law."I'm not an expert, but I know that there is a lot of case law about how many traffic violations have to be associated with an action before vehicular manslaughter is charged," Petito said. "I apologize, I don't know this area of law at all."

Wow. So the NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner doesn't "know this area of law at all?" Was this actually a joint hearing, or was it a reenactment of that "Seinfeld" episode where George is trying to get fired from the Yankees?

We are so deeply fucked.

But at least she apologized.

By the way, on the way home from the hearing NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner Susan Petito mistook the gas for the brake and ran over fifteen pregnant women as they left a prenatal yoga class in Park Slope.

No criminality suspected, of course--though in this case, given her demonstrable lack of mental acuity, I'm inclined to believe she's actually capable of the mistake.

Adjustable stems and suspension forks should really be mutually exclusive, and if your bike has both you should be asking yourself some serious questions, such as: "Who am I?"; "Why am I so uncomfortable?"; and "Where is the nearest recumbent store?"

Just don't get a recumbent that's too recumbent, or else you might not be able to see over your own paunch:

And here I thought you'd be writing about the motorcyle-riding Republicans who spotted the black SUV of government on the Henry Hudson Parkway and shut it down by beating in the windows with their helments.

Here in Florida it takes a group of rednecks and a keg of Bud to get someone to strap a bike to their pontoon boat and ride it across a large body of water. You can be damn sure ain't no healments involved there, by God!

When I lived in San Francisco I belonged to a rowing club that had these bitchin' 20ft. lifeboats that I could row on the bay. I would toss my bike in, head over to Sausalito on the tide, ride around for a few hours and catch the next tide back. No helment in '88 and I still have my ZO bag!

Hey, at least Pontooncycle Guy made it across to San Francisco, unlike all the cyclists riding up the Ramp To Nowhere on the UNB (Ugly New Bridge). Eventually, the ramp will go to Yerba Buena/Treasure Island but that only gets you halfway across the bay. No plans to add or attach or glue a ramp to the suspension span to the city (engineers say it is an unsafe option) and NEVER IN HELL will one lane on that portion of the bridge be made into a bike/pedestrian lane.

Never, never, never, oh Heavens to Taints, no!

A helmeant would have been helpful if the pontooncycle got run over by a huge container vessel steered by one of our illustrious harbor pilots, like the one who smacked the bridge with the Cosco Busan a few years ago, causing that little oil spill thing...

Riding over the Verrazano sucks - why anyone would choose to do that more than once a year during the NYC Bike Tour is a mystery to me...

More interesting, though, is that the Bayonne Bridge is about to be closed for two years or something to do a massive rebuilding project.

Yeah, so there is that. And I am a Staten Islander - I try to get off the Island any time I can to do any riding. You need a dedicated gravel bike for the roads out here, and my cross bike isn't cutting it :(

The "designer" of the waterbiek is on to something but it's obvious a recumbent bike with its lower center of gravity and drivetrain components elevated up away from corrosive salt water is the superior configuration for a water-going cycle. As an added benefit the more aerodynamic position of the rider aboard such a craft would be advantageous for plying headwinds often encounted in flat marine environs.

There actually is quite a nice ride over the GWB, down riveroad in NJ, pick up a very long pedestrian / bike path along the hudson that runs contineously down to Jersey City (you have to walk your bike for about 100 yards through the Hoboken train station) and then you can make your way through the lovely streets of Bayonne, across the Bayonne bride to Staten Island, along Richmond Terrace (be sure to stop at Liedy's shore Inn, the oldest bar in SI - but you might want to leave the lycra at home) continue on and take the Ferry back to manhattan or the Verazzano bridge to Brooklyn. It's a pleasant ride.

That link you posted the other day about the motorcyclist vs range rover reminded me of an incident that happened during the infamous August 2004 Critical Mass ride. http://gothamist.com/2005/10/28/foxy_brown_no_friend_of_bikers.php"Rapper" Foxy Brown runs through the two cyclists.

Speaking of doppelgangers, I have appropriated my "nom de plume" from a Snob post from back in the day where the final pix was the silhouette of some hair band rocker that Snob described as being shot in the back of the head with a sheepdog. I happened to win the sprint that day as Anon so DogShot seemed appropriate. Hopefully the name seems a little less creepy after this explanation (because it kind of creeps me out every time I use it).

Since BikeSnob has now made me acutely aware of all pedestrian and cycling deaths associated with shiity drivers, I drink more. But besides that, I can't believe he did not take off on a rant about the guy in the car who ran a red light and took out not just a blind man on the roadside but his seeing-eye guide dog (who died) and his child (who lived after being dragged to safety by the dying dog). Well jesus. Ok, going back to drinking. [PS the robot word below is isedoper. Seriously.]

I don't find recumbabe to be the least bit attractive. Is that weird? Clearly somebody thought she was comely, otherwise they wouldn't have taken the photo, but she doesn't do it for me.

I guess that you could say that I am generally opposed to nudie photoshoots involving bicycles. They're just too contrived. It's like "I was just out here with my bike and I got so excited I took my clothes off." I guess all nudie photoshoots are contrived to a certain extent, but the suspension of disbelief is easier for me if they are set, for example, in a bedroom or by a pool. Nobody, with the possible exception of Cipo, rides a bike naked (naked ride events notwithstanding).

Sincerely,Freddy "I like naked chicks so long as they aren't on bikes" Murcks

So, um now that the government of Canada's cycling underpants is closed for business, do it's citizens get a tax holiday too? If not, what are they paying for? I mean, besides crushing interest payments to China.

Wiwm, my Moana Lisa stumbled into my single-wide drunk in 1995 and never left. It's been a wild ride so far. The hood thing is funny cause one morning my buddy wakes us up and says YALL NEED TO GO WASH THE HOOD OF MY 68 Camaro.

Now someone now wants to know if a gravel bike can be used to cycloX. I'm so confused, it seems like just yesterday folks were wondering if they could use cyclocross bikes for gravel. See here Not to mention this water bike adaptor thingy.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!