Here Are 41 Thoughts We Had During Episode 19 Of Love Island

By Millie Lester - 21 Jun 2018

It’s time to put the kids to bed, throw some Glad Wrap over the leftover apricot chicken and crack open your chilled Coolibah soft dry white goon bag, because it’s the second last night of the Love Island week and we’re all about ready to put this unsalvageable steaming pile of sexual innuendo to bed.

Here are 41 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.

The episode opens with Amelia and Shelby ranking the boys from most to least respectful to women.

Dom then steals Amelia away to gauge her willingness for a threesome in the Sex Dungeon of Love under the guise of ‘having a polite yarn about what you do and sh*t’.

Over on the grassy knoll, the boys are briefing Jaxon on how to not come across in a (ahem) bad way.

Meanwhile, Millie is weighing up whether or not to succumb to Dom’s irresistible charm AKA ability to tank a girl’s self-confidence in four seconds.

Suddenly it’s nightfall and Dom’s asking Millie if it’s ok if he unholsters his meat sword in bed, which is the first sighting of consent we’ve seen all season.

In the morning, Josh can’t stop yabbering about Amelia’s rack personality with Jaxon who’s keeping his energy levels down by ingesting an exorbitant amount of white bread because Josh told him that anything is a suppressant if you eat enough of it.

Jaxon’s also got wind of Shelby’s affinity for ‘cool guys’ and has consequently ripped all the sleeves off his shirts and burned ciggie holes in his pants.

Over by the barbecues, Grant’s giving Tayla her second warning for ‘wearing too many clothes and not enough BB cream’.

Meanwhile, Teddy’s caught a whiff of Amelia saucy pheromones and is hot on her tail and/or the tail of anyone with a pulse and a second to talk about our Lord and Saviour, David Guetta.

Tayla then gets a text letting the boys know they’ll be getting their bits out for today’s sex show.

Dom then confesses that ‘cross-dressing is the t*ts’ and ‘gender-bending is better than a slow cooked lamb shoulder any day of the week’, which highlights not only his inability to decipher plain English but also sheds some light on why he’s never had a ‘girlfriend’.

Grant, who’s about as popular as a box of Cheddar Shapes right now, has decided to take this opportunity to accept blame for the absolute shimozzle that went down in the villa this week and to apologise to both Case and Tayla for giving them the absolute f*ck around just in general.

Tayla says that if he even says Cass’ name, she’s going to cut his goolies off and throw them in the pool.

The girls set up a trestle in the backyard, ready to adjudicate what is already the most confusing beauty pageant of the century.

First on the catwalk is Dom who appears to have developed chronic rosacea between now and ten minutes ago.

Next is Eden who’s donned the lippy and hopefully a better attitude towards violence.

Teddy follows in his best horse underwear (??) and Grant’s wearing Tayla’s hair extensions and a heinous attitude towards women.

Next up is the talent section, so naturally, Dom inhales an entire egg, Jaxon sings a song about condoms, Grant plays the recorder and Eden makes his boobs pulse because, at the end of the day, Love Island is just a cheap holiday rental full of f*ck muppets.

Next is the world peace segment where the boys gather words from the backs of cereal boxes and string them together with winks, ‘likes’ and ‘have a cracks’.

It’s Grant’s turn and he says a nice spiel about wanting to curb the drama in the villa, thus implying he’s sorry to Cass, and Tayla is so bloody livid she could coat hanger a toddler.

After twenty f*cking minutes I’ll never get back, the girls crown Josh ‘Mr Love Island’ and he then trips over a UDL can and falls in the pool.

Half an hour later, Grant is still salty that his fourteen-second speech about conceding to the fact that he’s a sh*t-stirring knob didn’t secure him the win.

He’s also a bit shitty that he couldn’t explicitly make peace with Cass without getting his nuts slashed off with nail scissors.

Tayla then announces to no one in particular that if anyone should be bloody apologised to, it’s her for having to play the part of a bitter two-faced mole with low moral standards. A part she is bloody NAILING, mind you.

Apparently, Grant has at some point had a discrete brain transplant and is the only one in the villa talking discernable sense.

Over on the grassy knoll, Amelia almost bursts a blood vessel yelling about a text message which discloses that the new girls will be coupling up in the next halfa or so, so start heating those hair crimpers.

Josh starts sniffing around Amelia, quietly dropping hints about how good he is at making spag bol and remembering to feed the dogs.

Teddy then gets a look in by highlighting how ‘sexy’ their kids would be, which would be a red flag to anyone but the idiots in this villa who’ve sacrificed their careers to get friend zoned by people who confidently declare that they’re ‘massive misogynists’.

Somehow bloody everyone’s attracted to Dom even though he’s clearly the kind of person who puts dirty forks in a clean dishwasher.

Over on the grassy knoll, Tayla’s basically had a hernia over how stressed she is that she might have to go back to work tomorrow.

Meanwhile Grant apologises for six or seven things, hoping desperately that at least one of them is what Tayla’s after, it’s almost dinner and if she doesn’t pull herself together soon, he’ll have to make his own sandwich.

Jaxon still has a smidge of doubt about whether Shelby will choose him, so he’s wearing three leather jackets to reassure her that he’s the baddest boy in the villa.

First in the spotlight is Shelby. She throws caution to the wind and couples up with Jaxon who’s so f*cking stoked to cut loose from Tayla, a seething pile of rage and express tan.

Amelia then chooses Josh aka Mr Love Island, because who can say no to an authority figure with the IQ of an action figure.

Sophie then drops an absolute bombshell and announces that ‘the night is far from bloody over, losers, two a’ youse still ain’t safe’.

She slurs that the girls must line up in front of the fire pit and do the macarena until she remembers her next line.

After regaining composure and taking a swig from a Melbourne Bitter stubby buried in her bra, Soph blows the game wide open by announcing that the remaining islanders will now pair up.

Predictably, Dom chooses Millie, Eden picks Erin, Grant chooses Tayla and Teddy chooses Franny, leaving Cass and Mac to question their future in the villa for a hot second while Sophie wakes up and peels herself off the floor.

‘The fate of youse two will be decided by….’ *slips to the side a little and drops her queue cards* ‘mmmmmmstralia!!’.

Don’t forget to vote for Cassidy in the Love Island app to breathe some life into this crippling display of modern societal desecration.

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By Millie Lester

Millie hails from the island state of Tasmania where her obsession with delicious foods began. She enjoys writing, but more importantly can play table tennis with both hands and has never lost a game of Cluedo in her life. Her greatest achievement to date was making eye contact with Roger Federer at the 2007 Australian Open.

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