I have found that one of the best ways to deal with my mom is to control the get togethers (ie, I call her up and say "I've got the car today, let's have lunch) - she's happy that she gets time with us and I am able to make my excuses and duck out quickly when it becomes too much.

Then do that.

Okay, I think people have misunderstood... This is exactly what I AM doing. I call and say "Hey mom, I'm going to be in your area, let's go out for lunch." I have arranged it, I have the car so I can escape if I need to, etc.

The problem today was after already making arrangements, she decided that we;d just have sandwiches. That means she's making food at her house. And sandwiches are either going to be cold cuts or cheese or something like that, involving food I don't really trust to be clean.Blegh!

So in order to try and deal with it, I suggested "let me grab a pizza". But she didn't want that. Since the whole point is to have lunch that I suggested, going over having already eaten is downright strange if not rude.

We ended up going out for lunch after I suggested gently a few different ways that I wanted to eat out and not have sandwiches. The problem is when I go to pick her up after having made arrangements to meet for lunch and she decides that she wants to eat in instead of eating out.Eventually she is going to notice that I flat out refuse her food all the time.

I'm hoping that controlling the times we get together and being the one to suggest doing this or that will help her not notice that she is never watching LK. Ever.

I'd call her and say "Hey, I thought I'd pick up sandwiches for lunch today - I'm really craving [insert food]. What should I get for you? They have...."

Yes! I would offer to bring lunch as a treat, framing it as a kindness so that she doesn't have to fuss. If she insists on preparing food, bring ingredients (cold cuts, bread, cheese). The message won't be "I don't want your food" but "Let me help!" instead.

Good luck.

Ultimately, this is what worked today. Framing it as a kindness and not wanting to put her out of her way, etc. We ended up at a lovely little sit-down cafe.

I think next time I will do as you suggest and bring the ingredients and make it myself, again framing it as a kindness.

I can't understand why you would worry about upsetting your mother over letting your CHILD eat your mother's mouldy food, that could potentially make her ill.

I must be missing something.

If you can frame something in such a way to avoid an argument and avoid causing offense, wouldn't you want to do that?Yes, it's a safety thing. Yes, LK's safety comes first. But that also doesn't give me license to just stomp all over the situation like a bull in a china shop without any consideration at all for feelings. It is possible to address the situation and still be nice and polite about it. I was really looking to find that balance.

Some of the suggestions here (see above) helped with that and we came out with a really nice solution that preserved the relationship.

I've found that really putting an effort into how things are framed has helped me to build really healthy boundaries, especially with my mother. Sometimes I need a little help figuring out the best way to build the boundary in such a way that it doesn't look as much like a boundary as it does like a kindness... kwim?

I have found that one of the best ways to deal with my mom is to control the get togethers (ie, I call her up and say "I've got the car today, let's have lunch) - she's happy that she gets time with us and I am able to make my excuses and duck out quickly when it becomes too much.

Then do that.

Okay, I think people have misunderstood... This is exactly what I AM doing. I call and say "Hey mom, I'm going to be in your area, let's go out for lunch." I have arranged it, I have the car so I can escape if I need to, etc.

The problem today was after already making arrangements, she decided that we;d just have sandwiches. That means she's making food at her house. And sandwiches are either going to be cold cuts or cheese or something like that, involving food I don't really trust to be clean.Blegh!

No, I think we understand that just fine. What we're saying is that's a good start, but that you are just fine to say "No, LK and I aren't eating moldy cheese/coldcuts of indeterminate age/etc."

That's not rude, and frankly, it's not something that should be left unsaid. There's no magic bullet here. Either you say flat out what's bothering you, or you keep hinting and obfuscating and having to deal with her not "getting" it.

I can't understand why you would worry about upsetting your mother over letting your CHILD eat your mother's mouldy food, that could potentially make her ill.

I must be missing something.

If you can frame something in such a way to avoid an argument and avoid causing offense, wouldn't you want to do that?Yes, it's a safety thing. Yes, LK's safety comes first. But that also doesn't give me license to just stomp all over the situation like a bull in a china shop without any consideration at all for feelings. It is possible to address the situation and still be nice and polite about it. I was really looking to find that balance.

Some of the suggestions here (see above) helped with that and we came out with a really nice solution that preserved the relationship.

I've found that really putting an effort into how things are framed has helped me to build really healthy boundaries, especially with my mother. Sometimes I need a little help figuring out the best way to build the boundary in such a way that it doesn't look as much like a boundary as it does like a kindness... kwim?

At some point there likely will be an argument from her. She will be offended and will try to find some way to criticize you for not wanting to eat, or to let your daughter eat, her nasty food.

There will come a time, whether with this issue or another, that you will have to establish a boundary that does not leave her with the illusion that you are being kind. Being polite does not always equate with being kind.

I can't understand why you would worry about upsetting your mother over letting your CHILD eat your mother's mouldy food, that could potentially make her ill.

I must be missing something.

You seemed to miss the fact that there is no way the OP would actually LET her child eat the foods, so that isn't a concern.

I like the picnic/bringing food idea. Does she know you have tested your child for allergies? If not that could be used as a concern as well, that you'd rather stick with food from your home where you know there would be no chance of cross contamination.

If you can frame something in such a way to avoid an argument and avoid causing offense, wouldn't you want to do that?Yes, it's a safety thing. Yes, LK's safety comes first. But that also doesn't give me license to just stomp all over the situation like a bull in a china shop without any consideration at all for feelings. It is possible to address the situation and still be nice and polite about it. I was really looking to find that balance.

Knitterly, in this situation your mother's feelings do not matter. The way she handles food is wrong, and potentially dangerous to yourself and your loved ones. Any offense she feels is not valid, it's all twisted as "right" in her head, and you will be doing yourself and her a favor by not playing into it.

In this situation is is perfectly okay for you to be a bull in a china shop.

Being nice in this situation is not important.

My dad is the same way with eating old food. I am not. If he finds something in the trash that he thinks should be eaten (that I have previously thrown away) I tell him to go a head and eat it but I am not touching it.

And seriously, if you don't start standing up to your mother now what are you going to do when your daughter is older. When your mother decides to offer her own food directly, or ask your daughter, with out consulting you, directly in front your daughter, if she wants to be watched by grandma or sleep over?

I can't understand why you would worry about upsetting your mother over letting your CHILD eat your mother's mouldy food, that could potentially make her ill.

I must be missing something.

I would just tell her, she is your Mom! I would say, "Mom, we have different tastes in foods. I can bring this and that." If she insists, then tell her outright that you don't eat food past it's expiration date. Period. If she defends it, tell her that's fine but it isn't what you eat now. And bean dip.

I, too, don't understand why you won't just tell her. Why keep beating around the bush and having to come up with ideas/new ways to avoid eating her food. It can be done in a kind, gentle manner.

"Mom, our family won't be eating food from your house. You see nothing wrong with using milk that is out of date, moldy cheese, old cold cuts, etc. However, eating them is not safe, so our family will not be doing it. If we want to have meals together, we need to go out or meet at a park when the weather is nice and I will bring the food/we can go get it together."

If she gets mad, let her. Don't let her draw you into an argument, walk away or hang up the phone if needed. Keep repeating the same thing.

Knitterly, we all know you're a good person and a great mother. But you're also a thoughtful and considerate daughter who cares about preserving your relationship with your mother as best you can under difficult circumstances. You're doing a good job of keeping it all in balance. I just want you to know that some of us notice.

I, too, don't understand why you won't just tell her. Why keep beating around the bush and having to come up with ideas/new ways to avoid eating her food. It can be done in a kind, gentle manner.

"Mom, our family won't be eating food from your house. You see nothing wrong with using milk that is out of date, moldy cheese, old cold cuts, etc. However, eating them is not safe, so our family will not be doing it. If we want to have meals together, we need to go out or meet at a park when the weather is nice and I will bring the food/we can go get it together."

If she gets mad, let her. Don't let her draw you into an argument, walk away or hang up the phone if needed. Keep repeating the same thing.

Knitterly, it sounds like you:-Dont want to eat food she prepared-Dont' want to tell her you don't want to eat food she prepared-Don't want her to realize that you never eat food that she prepares-But you want to plan get togethers that involve meals or at least lunch

I don't think you can have it both ways. If you absolutely don't want to be upfront and you don't want her to ever realize that you never accept invitations to eat at her home, then you can't plan activities that involve meal times.

Knitterly, it sounds like you:-Dont want to eat food she prepared-Dont' want to tell her you don't want to eat food she prepared-Don't want her to realize that you never eat food that she prepares-But you want to plan get togethers that involve meals or at least lunch

I don't think you can have it both ways. If you absolutely don't want to be upfront and you don't want her to ever realize that you never accept invitations to eat at her home, then you can't plan activities that involve meal times.

I agree with this, but her mother tries to arranges these plans at times.

It's not a simple case of not liking the food. The food her mother has is nasty and dangerous.