Every year right around now, I tell myself that I’m going to stop eating myself into a food coma while falling asleep on the lazy boy recliner. And every January, I start off strong. ‘Eye of the Tiger’ gets put on repeat, leftover pumpkin pie gets thrown away, and the rest of my Christmas cookies go to the homeless guy who collects cans by the dumpster.

It really makes me wonder where my resolutions fail. After a healthy round table discussion, we’ve come up with an approximate timeline for the most common New Years goals.

I’m Going To Hit The Gym 5 Days A Week No Matter What

Sticking to a vigorous workout routine is definitely a great way to start feeling better about yourself.

When you will buckle: Cinco De Mayo Weekend. Cinco De Mayo is a Mexican holiday that most Americans only celebrate because it’s one more excuse to get wrecked via Corona and limes. Since the 5th of May falls on a Thursday this year, you’ll end up spending the weekend trying to recover from your cotton mouth and smoking O-ring (go easy on the salsa).

I’m Going To Stop Drinking So Much

Cutting back on the amount of alcohol you consume is great for your liver, and your waistline. Unfortunately, it’s also a lot less fun. I know a lot of people say “you don’t need to drink to have a good time.” The people who say that have never puked all over a midget in TJ while getting an over the pants handjob either.

When you will buckle:St. Patty’s day. You know the drill. Why even go out if you can’t partake in a lovely glass of green beer, right? One beer quickly becomes 6 and before you know it you feel like superman. Fuck this resolution, you’ll try again next year.

I’m Going To Meet New People

You’re tired of rehashing the same routine day in and day out. This year, you’re going to put the Xbox away and really start mingling!

When you will buckle: January 1st. Right after your friends tell you that you were grinding up against the largest of wildebeests on NYE. In fact, your new nickname will become “Goose” for being such a good wingman. This is about the time you say to yourself “Yea umm, Call of Duty > meeting people.”

I Will Only Eat Healthy Food

If health food tasted like carne asada burritos, I’d be ripped. It doesn’t though, so sticking to this resolution is one of the hardest, ever.

When you will buckle: Memorial Day and/or first major BBQ. Throw any slab of meat on the grill, cover it in steak sauce, and you’ll have even the most hardcore vegan foaming at the mouth.

I Will Find Someone That I Truly Love

You’re tired of seeing posts about the perfect girlfriend and not having a clue what it feels like. This is going to be your year. You’re going to be the one making cute little “I pranked my GF” videos on youtube, it’s going to be sweet. She will also love gaming and laugh when you farts.

When you will buckle: Valentines Day. You will end up at a bar for V-day because everyone knows Valentines day is the easiest day to get laid. You’ll head to the bar where you start to chat up an average looking girl who is going off about how stupid this holiday, and men in general are. At the end of the night, she will let you put your penis in her. This sort of turns into a routine, until you realize (about this time next year) that you’re completely miserable.

Conclusion: New Years resolutions, much like this article, are sort of an unfunny joke. Don’t waste your time on either. Wait, you just did. Here is a nsfw hair bra for your trouble.