Ander Herrera could be forgiven for being a bit paranoid. After having a decent season with Manchester United in 2014-15, working out which buttons to press and when to press them, scoring eight goals and generally looking pretty comfortable in a midfield position that has made some of the smoothest operators look like nervy interns in recent years, the poor lad turned up at pre-season to be greeted by the sight of Morgan Schneiderlin and Bastian Schweinsteiger leering at him. Yeah, who could blame him for looking over his shoulder, be it to curse Swansea’s Jonjo Shelvey for showing him up in midfield when he did start a game, or to see whether a heavy-legged World Cup winner was about to stamp on his bare toes in the changing rooms afterwards.

And if what we’re reading here is anything to go by, his jitters won’t have been helped by the news that he’s being monitored by clandestine scouts. And there isn’t just one man in a mac watching him through a newspaper with two holes cut out for eyes in his local park. No, there are two of them. One from Barcelona, who, despite having about 148 midfielders ready to join their ranks when their transfer embargo ends in January, wouldn’t mind adding another. And the other from Valencia who, a bit like a goofy middle-aged fan pointing at themselves behind pundits at a live match, just want people to know that they’re close to the action.

Anthony Martial needs time and patience but is unlikely to get either | Amy Lawrence

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MLS chief mouthpiece Don Garber has moved to reassure Liverpool fans that the Steven Gerrard circus will not be returning to Anfield this season, unless it is in fact a real circus and the former Liverpool captain slips into a leotard and learns to do trapeze on the framework of the new Main Stand that is being built. “I had not heard that was something that was being contemplated,” blabbed Garber. “That doesn’t happen as much as it used to now. David [Beckham] knows very well that I was really upset when he went and played [on loan] in Milan.” Ah, so it’s only Garber’s potential tears preventing a move. Let’s enjoy the peace before the reunion tour takes place in January.

John Stones is close to agreeing a new deal with Everton that will in fact allow him to do one should anyone – let’s take a wild guess and say, erm, Chelsea – shout THIRTY-EIGHT-MILLION-POUNDS! down the phone at Bill Kenwright.

On the subject of Chelsea, they’re concerned that Wolves might have developed a player good enough to get them promoted and challenge for the Premier League sometime in the next decade, so they plan to buy 16-year-old Niall Ennis – despite the fact he’s never played a professional game – and put his career in a cupboard somewhere at Stamford Bridge.

Moussa Sissoko is getting a bit fed up with life at Newcastle United. He wouldn’t be the first. “I look at those who are playing in my position [for France]. There is Blaise Matuidi who is doing extraordinary things at PSG, Paul Pogba, who is marvellous at Juventus. Yohan Cabaye, who has just signed for Crystal Palace and Morgan Schneiderlin who is now at Manchester United. Compared to me, they are all playing in big clubs,” he sobbed, perhaps with some inside knowledge of Crystal Palace’s new global appeal in east Asia or something. Anyway, someone reckons a French manager of a London club could help him elbow his way back into that France starting XI. Arsenal it is then.

Steve Bruce wants to pretend he actually got the Newcastle United job by signing Yoan Gouffran and playing him out of position at Hull City.

And Louis van Gaal has typed DE24 8XL into James Wilson’s Sat Nav and pressed ‘Go’.