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Sunday, February 27, 2011

My mom had a miscarriage between her first two children. She was around 11 weeks. She told me that she's always thought of that baby as a boy and his name is John. She also admitted that she would never have named a child that, so it's kind of strange.

I think our baby was a girl. For some reason I think of her as Marianna. That name was never on my list for a girl and now it never will be - it's been given away. :)

Whether it was a girl or a boy shouldn't make a difference but somehow it does. It actually makes me feel more connected to her; like she really was a part of our lives.

Friday, February 25, 2011

I came across this song on a blog my mom sent me to: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. She and her husband lost a daughter (who was born and lived for a couple of hours.) This song represented how she was feeling and even though I never carried my baby physically in my arms, it was in my womb and my heart. I started shedding tears after the first line. In this moment, I feel like it also represents how I feel.

I Will Carry You

by Angie SmithThere were photographs I wanted to takeThings I wanted to show youSing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyesWho could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I'm notTruth is I'm barely hanging onBut there's a greater storyWritten long before meBecause He loves you like thisSo I will carry youWhile your heart beats hereLong beyond the empty cradleThrough the coming yearsI will carry youAll my lifeAnd I will praise the One Who's chosen meTo carry youSuch a short timeSuch a long roadAll this madnessBut I knowThat the silenceHas brought me to His voiceAnd He says...I've shown her photographs of time beginningWalked her through the parted seasAngel lullabies, no more teary eyesWho could love her like this?I will carry youWhile your heart beats hereLong beyond the empty cradleThrough the coming yearsI will carry youAll your lifeAnd I will praise the One Who's chosen MeTo carry you

I have to go back to work today. It's a short 3 hour shift but I am feeling some very unwelcome anxiety over it. My heart has been racing for a few hours and I can't sleep.

I feel like I'm not ready to face the world. The only people I have seen since "it" happened are my parents and my father-in-law (apart from Dan and Paul, of course.) I know that my co-workers will meet me with hugs and words of sympathy and encouragement, but for some reason that doesn't sound appealing. I know it should, and ultimately it will, but right now in my mind it is the last thing I want. I am in my own cocoon right now. It's so easy to hide away and just let this be my own thing. I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

I need to go back, though. Life needs to go on. Whether I stay holed up in my house or go greet customers and help them buy clothes, life will go on. It's painful to think of. A part of me feels like moving forward is acting like my baby didn't exist; like it never had a heart beat or kicked it's little legs inside me. Deep down I know this isn't true. I know that I will never, ever forget how excited we were for this baby and how we celebrated it with every fiber of our beings. It was loved and no amount of moving forward can take that away.

I have no clue what happened. At some point during some day my baby's heart stopped beating. Something went wrong. Looking back I've realized that the last week and a half my belly didn't grow. So, it could've happened long before I knew it. In some odd way I find comfort in the not knowing. The fact that there is nothing I could have done to stop it and every single part of it all was out of my control gives me a sense of peace. It wasn't in my plans but it was in God's.

I am a true believer in that. It's not just "there's a reason for everything" or "God has a plan" saying, it's a deeply embedded truth that I believe in. I trust that God created my body to know what to do when something isn't right. He knew what he was doing when he made me. Now, I do wish he would slow my heart down and tell my body to go to sleep. ;)

I think I'll try again. Paul woke up an hour and a half ago and he still hasn't gone back to sleep. Maybe I'll try cuddling with him. That usually cheers me up.

I am also going to leave you with lyrics to a song that's comforting right now.

I Will Rest In You

by Jaci Velasquez

Lord, I'm in the dark,Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.My mind is playing games again,You're right where You have always been.

Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,I will rest in You,I will rest in You.

Tell me I'm a fool,Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,And comfort me like only You can,And tell me there's a placeWhere I can feel Your breathLike sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,The place that I once knew as a little child;Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.Oh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,I will rest in You,I will rest in You.

Take me back to You.The place that I once knew as a little child;Constantly the eyes of God watched over meOh, I want to beIn the place that I once knew as a little child,Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I can't help it. I feel a little angry. I think the day it happened I was in shock. Throughout yesterday all the questions and emotions started to slowly take over me.

The ever bitter "why." Why me? Why now? Why at 3 months? Why not 6 weeks? Why do I have to go through this?

There aren't just questions, but general life things. I just bought a brand new pair of maternity pants for work on Saturday...and I have a pair on hold. They're hanging there in a closet waiting to hug my belly as it grows. Last week on the calender I wrote in little numbers in the corner of every Wednesday through August what week I would be in. I also filled out on August 31st "LBW #2 DUE!!" Now I need a new calender. On Friday I filled out my Maternity Leave form for work. I took the time to figure out the dates and when I wanted to start. I can still picture the last words on the cover letter: "HAVE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY PREGNANCY!" Well, I now have neither. Everyone knows, too. Everyone! What do I say? What do I do? How do I tell people "oh, that baby? Ya, that's not happening anymore."

Maybe I'm sounding harsh. I am SO grateful for the beautiful, healthy boy that is walking around and making me laugh during this hard time. I am thankful and appreciate every moment that I have with him. I'm just a little angry...and I'm going to allow myself to be. Just for a bit.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Right now I am very exhausted, physically and emotionally so I don't have many tears yet. I had quite a few on the way home from the ER. I'm taking tomorrow (and possibly more days) off from work to recover from it all.

I'd like to write more tonight but I just don't think I have the words in me...

Monday, February 21, 2011

Do you ever wonder where you went? You ask yourself "where did the me go that used to drop money on a painting because it made me feel good?" or "where did the me go who was daring to try a new recipe with ingredients I hadn't even heard of?" or "where did the me go that just sat and listened to a new, whole cd that I was dying to hear?"

Sometimes I ask these things of myself. At times I feel like I am not the same person I was. I think of how different I was 10 years ago. 5. 3. Even 1. I liked different things: music, clothes, food. What happened to me?

I am still here. I am Morgan. I am the same person I have always been. My personality is the same, it is my likes and dislikes that have changed. I still adore music. I still enjoy trying new foods and recipes. I always have and always will like the basics when it comes to clothes.

My life is full of different things now. My focus has shifted. I have a husband, a toddler, a job, a house, another child on the way...what is important in my life has changed. I don't have the freedom to cruise the grocery aisles and think about what only I want. I can't spend money on a few drinks at the bar with friends when I feel like it. I can't just save up for 6 months and fly out to Seattle to visit family whenever I like.

For the most part, I don't miss that. Of course there are tiny moments when I would love to do any one of those things but I like my life now. I like the (semi) structure of it all. I have people who depend on me and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker. I am not defined by any one of those individually but they all combine to represent me as a whole.

I have nostalgic moments, like anyone else (and I'm sure listening to an old mix cd from college doesn't help,) but the moments are just that; nostalgia. I enjoy looking back and being sentimental and reminiscing on wonderful, beautiful times in my life because those memories have led to the shaping of who I am now. They are bits and pieces that I picked up along the way and fit into my heart and soul.

I feel like I may be starting to ramble a bit. I also feel like I haven't completely conveyed what Ireally want to say. I guess it's probably just my pregnancy hormones (almost 13 weeks!!) that are causing me to think about this, but I feel it's important to touch on sometimes. I hope someone out there understands what I'm trying to say!