Gillian Carleton

Ending the Silence

Pro cyclist Gillian Carleton opens up about her battle with depression

gillian carleton

(Photo by Carleton (far right) will be taking the rest of the 2013 road season off, with the support of her Specialized-lululemon team. (Heidi Swift))

I have never found it easy to ask for help. It’s a character trait (or flaw, if you will) that is probably quite common in most professional athletes.

Being a competitive, goal-oriented person with a relentless desire for personal improvement has given me success at the highest level. I've won national titles, and medals at World Cups, World Championships, and the Olympic Games. But living in constant pursuit of excellence has also made me very good at moving forward at all costs. It is difficult to engage with negative emotions and also have enough mental energy to give 100 percent every day, so I’ve found throughout my years of battling depression that avoidance has been the best policy. Ignoring problems by diving headfirst into training or racing is an effective coping mechanism, and can even lead to breakout performances. But it only works for so long.

In the past year, it's taken everything I have just to get out of bed in the morning. Without the promise of 2012's London Olympics on the horizon, my motivation to do anything but hide from the world all day is at an all time low. Trying to summon up enthusiasm for interval work, or a solo five-hour ride, has been almost impossible.

When I finally do get kitted up and out the door, it's with shaking legs and a pounding head, the result of drinking myself to sleep or binging and purging and cutting all morning in an effort to punish myself for being, in my eyes, a waste of time and a disappointment as a professional athlete. Needless to say, I have not been setting any personal records this year. Every once in a while, the thunderstorm in my mind quiets enough that I remember how much I love doing this, but those days have been few and far between.

I am done with living like this. I cannot be a good teammate, a good athlete, a good daughter, a good girlfriend, when my head and my heart and my lungs and my legs are begging so desperately for a break. For years I have been able to keep my frantic anxiety and mania at bay with cigarettes, with alcohol, with antidepressants and sleeping pills, with cuts that get bigger and more numerous on my arms and legs...but now I am scared of what might happen if I stay silent any longer.

Stopping, and taking a deep breath, and saying there is something wrong with me and I need help to fix it is incredibly difficult. But I am saying it. I am taking a hiatus from the rest of this road season and starting a mental-health treatment program in my hometown. I want to thank every single one of my teammates, and all the amazing staff and sponsors of Team Specialized-lululemon for being so incredibly supportive of this decision.

I am doing everything I can to be ready for this upcoming track season. I want more than anything to be there on the podium at the World Cups, at the World Championships, at the 2014 Commonwealth Games. But at the end of the day, it is just bike racing, and I need to learn how to take care of myself first.