Up until now this has been more or less a transcription of the “plot” of the game with my own commentary added on. I have strayed a bit from this for the ending and took liberties with the scenario in order to wrap things up.

I’m sort of pinning my hopes on this place. The rest of the desert is comprised of barren wasteland which is not worth looking at, much less saving. The only exception is the prison, which needs help. But the “good guys” are carpet bombing the place and I just don’t see how wading in and punching people out before they’re bombed is going to benefit anyone. After spending several surreal and unproductive days trying to help Millennium City, I don’t dare go back to that madhouse . And I refuse to go back to Canada while Ravenspeaker is there. Those are my only options right now. Basically, if I want to find a place where I can do good deeds and help improve the lives of my fellow citizens, Snake Gulch here is the only place left for me.

“Howd-y part-ner. Wel-come. To. Snake Gulch.”, the robot says again.

I walk around the burning cars and step over a few dismembered cowboy robots. The parking lot is about half the size of the parking area for your average McDonald’s, which means it’s about one thousandth the size of what you need at your average amusement park. What gives?

Nearby is a man in a jacket and bowtie. I can smell a scientist nerd a mile off, and I have a suspicion he’s my go-to guy around here.

“HowdEE partNER!”, he bellows. He has the voice of someone from MIT doing the world’s worst Texan accent. “Ya’ll can call me Wild Tyrell.”

“Yes-sir!”, he says, straying close to using his godawful ‘Texan’ accent again. “They run the park. Run the rides. Handle security…”

“And carry real firearms with live ammunition.”, I observe.

“That they do.”, he says somewhat guardedly.

“And now they’ve turned on you?”

“So you heard about that?”, he says brightly.

“No. I was just guessing.”

“Well. I’m not sure what turned my robots to violence and evil. The ones here in the parking lot with me are okay, but the ones down there”, he points a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the gulch, “will fill you full of lead for so much as lookin’ at ’em. I don’t know how it happened. One day the park was fine. The next, my Cowbots were shootin’ up the customers. It doesn’t make sense. They were foolproof!”

“And what about these ones?” I point to the robots patrolling the parking lot, “You sure they’re safe?”

“No need to worry about them. They’re foolproof!”

I’m a superhero. It would be unseemly for me to sound angry and bitter towards a civilian. So I don’t say anything.

“How about I give you the tour?”, Tyrell suggests at last.

Tyrell leads me out onto a gigantic wooden scaffolding, and we descend down into the canyon.

“This is a lot of stairs”, I remark about halfway down. “Did families really have to climb this whole thing to enter and leave the park?”

Tyrell pauses for a moment. “Well…”, he says after he’s caught his breath again, “After climbing all the way down folks would be good and thirsty for a lemonade.”

“I see!”, I reply with a knowing smile, “So you’ve got a lemonade stand at the bottom?”

Tyrell’s looks sort of excited. “That would have been a really good idea!”

We get down to the bottom of the steps and I smash up the deranged robots that swarm our position. I can tell that seeing them destroyed pains the man a bit, but he’s he’s polite about it and thanks me for doing what needs to be done.

We walk along through rows of old west building facades. They’re sturdy and give the place a bit of “old west” flavor, which is only slightly undermined by being at the bottom of a hole before being majorly undermined by the robots.

“So what did people do here before the robots went bad?”, I ask after we’ve walked past about a quarter-mile of fake buildings. I’ve been smashing up groups of robots as we walked. These fights have done a good job of dividing the long uncomfortable silence into several smaller ones.

Tyrell is excited again, “Look up!”

I look, and I can see part of a rollercoster arching overhead.

“Oh! So you have rollercoasters here?”

“That one, yeah”, he says proudly. “Let’s head on down”, he says with a grin after I’ve smashed another group of robots.

It seems we’ve arrived at another three-story staircase. Now, I could fly to the bottom if I wanted, but it seems like that would be sort of rude to poor Tyrell. That, and I want to be nearby in case he passes out from exhaustion and the desert heat.

“So… you just have the one ride?”, I ask as gently as possible once we’re safely on the ground, he’s caught his breath, and I’ve fought a couple dozen more cowboy robots.

Tyrell stops to think for a long moment. I wonder if he’s forgotten the question when he finally replies, “Did I mention the rollercoaster yet?”

“Yes. You showed me that one.”

“Then I guess that’s pretty much it.”

“So did you get many visitors?”, I ask while looking up at the sheer cliff walls on either side of us, the flights of stairs, and the lack of anything here at the bottom in the way of refreshments or bathrooms.

“Why sure!”, he shouts, as if I’d just asked if it sometimes got a little hot around here. “We had tons of guests before all these robot troubles.”

“Really? So families didn’t have any trouble with the stairs?” I imagine it would have been pretty hard on kids when it came time to leave. Or if anyone needed a drink. Or to go to the bathroom.

“Well, it wasn’t so much families. It was mostly just fellers from that campground they put up over yonder.” He nods towards “yonder”, but all I see is the imposing rock wall and a couple of murderous robots milling about. Then I realize the campgrounds he’s talking about are probably outside of our canyon. Did I miss something when I scouted the area? To the east is the super villain prison and to the west is the irradiated wasteland. The only other place nearby is…

“About these guys from the campground…”, I begin cautiously.

“Yes-sir-ree. Them’s was good folks. Reliable business. They dressed a bit outlandishly, but I ain’t the type to judge.”

“Outlandishly? Like, were they wearing a lot of yellow?”

“Oh man. Great big yellow outfits. Every last one of them. All heavy and clunky. I don’t know how they could wear those getups in this heat, but they never complained. Always kept them real shiny, too.”

“So you’re saying the guys from Viper stopped by and rode your rollercoaster?”, I ask, no longer able to hide my horror or incredulity.

“I’ve met quite a few”, I admit, omitting the detail that I’ve never met any Viper guys who are still alive.

“Small world, huh?”

I don’t have the heart to tell Mr. Donaldson that the only guests he ever welcomed into his park were bloodthirsty terrorists who were taking time off from plotting to take over the world, and that the “campground” next door was actually their missile base, which I planned to destroy on my way out of here. He seems a gentle soul – if a bit slow – and styles himself as an honest patriotic sort. The truth would break his heart.

Tyrell wipes his brow and shades his eyes with his hand, “So you think you can help me out with this here robot problem?”

“I’m retiring”, I tell him truthfully. This is a decision I made just moments ago.

“Welp, thanks fer takin’ a look around anyhow.”, he says, poking his thumbs into the pockets of his polyester pants. “You sure you don’t want to see the bottom level?” He nods towards yet another three-story staircase ahead.

“What’s down there?

He shrugs, “We got some wild-west building facades all set up, all authentic-like.”

“Are they different from these ones?”, I ask, pointing at the facades nearby.

“Naw.” He’s laying on the accent really thick now. I’d complain, but I think this is part of the coping process for him. An old west park is obviously his dream. It’s not his fault he was born with a passion for the old west, no business acumen, dubious robot-building skills, and a complete lack of common sense. He’s like the Salieri of amusement parks. Still, he’d pull off the whole image so much better if he stopped wearing the bowtie.

We say our goodbyes and I fly off. This retirement business is going to cost me my endorsement contracts. This is strangely liberating. I never felt good being a huckster for an “authentic” taco sauce that tasted like cheap ketchup with 2 or 3 picoliters of tabasco sauce per gallon. And I have ths uneasy feeling that State Trust Auto is some sort of ponzi scheme.

I’m not sure what I’ll do now. Maybe I’ll look for work as an actor.

The End

Star on Chest gave up crime fighting and went on to have modest success in Hollywood. He starred in the Michael Bay production “Hammer on Chest”, a movie very roughly based on his own life experiences. He then starred in a number of unsuccessful low-budget direct-to-video action films. After that he appeared in the reality show “Nemesis Island” and the ill-fated NBC sitcom “Beverly Hills Heroes”.

Later in life he took over as the host for The Price is Right for the Aging Drew Carey.

Having never been freed of the control of the PSI supervillain, Corporal Antoine Harrison’s uncommon common sense and competence made him the most effective officer Millennium City had ever seen. He quickly rose through the ranks and was eventually elected mayor.

PSI leader “PSImon” was astounded when their thrall took office, “We’ve been trying to seize control of City Hall for years. We tried everything: Kidnapping, threats, ransom, and assassinations. But simply putting forward someone halfway useful and having them get elected in a legitimate election was something that simply never occurred to us. I still don’t understand why it worked. And frankly, now that we have control of the city we have no idea what to do with it. Just balancing the budget is a pain in the ass. I barely have time to plan a half-decent heist these days.”

Once freed of the Overmind, the Big Brain announced that it was going to dedicate its massive intellect to solving the problems of war and world hunger. However, without so much as a skull to protect it from the harsh Canadian weather, the brain quickly froze solid and died.

Kinetik continues to serve as a member of the The Champions. To date he has been captured and held captive by some of the most powerful and impressive criminal organizations in the world.

Viper was obliged to bail out the US Government during the financial crisis of 2014. Viper leaders insisted that their schemes required a healthy and vibrant adversary on the world stage, and that economic collapse would be bad for both criminals and the forces of justice.

64 thoughts on “A Star is Born:Let’s Play Champions Online Pt. 15”

Brilliant. Somehow, that’s the only way it could have ended. It’s like Alexander running out of worlds to conquer, except it’s more like he shopped around and realized there weren’t any worth deploying a couple guys and a slingshot into.

Interesting finale, but I wish you’d continued with it. This is a tad anticlimactic, and I really enjoyed the style of the other updates. All they kept making me think was “man, I hear this game has better combat than other MMO’s, but it must be incredible to be worth putting up with this”. However, the ridiculousness of the story was perfect for the tone of your humour. You, my friend, have a serious talent for mocking people. Take that as you will.

Also, first time I’ve ever seen one of your articles before there were any comments on it. I was halfway tempted to post “first!” (even though I know you’d just delete it), but resisted the urge (just).

EDIT: good thing I did, too, because it turns out I would have ended up being one of those foolish people who say first when they’re actually third. Although I guess if you’re the kind of person who posts “first!” then appearing foolish is a bit moot…

“Viper was obliged to bail out the US Government during the financial crisis of 2014. Viper leaders insisted that their schemes required a healthy and vibrant adversary on the world stage, and that economic collapse would be bad for both criminals and the forces of justice.”

Poor Star on Chest. It must be difficult to be the only sane person in a land of madness. Although, would that make him the mad one? Hmm…

I honestly don’t know how you stood the game for so long. Your assurance that it was more fun than you made it sound still didn’t make it sound fun or playable, but maybe that’s just me. Thanks for enduring ridiculous games to entertain the rest of us.

Ah well, I guess all good things must come to an end. I’ve been enjoying the read, and I was kind of looking forward to meeting Star on Chest’s nemesis, but I guess this is the way the Champions Online cookie has crumbled.

Also, @Helm: Fan boy fallout would imply that there are actual Champions Online fanboys out there, something I highly doubt.

But if you’ll allow me to nitpick just a bit (why not? It’s all you do), at the beginning I was hoping for the original story of Star On Chest set inside the game world. Instead, it sort of devolved into just a lampooning of the game, with Star On Chest sort of taking second seat to that (in certain parts of the series, I forgot that the main character was SoC, not just you). Not that there’s anything wrong with that; I know you enjoy your deconstructions, and truthfully, I do too.

But this last episode was so good and returned to the style of the first, that I sort of wished you’d had more original content. I think that’s when you’re at your best.

Great ending. It was a little anticlimactic though. I do think it was the best way possible for the story to end, but I had assumed Star on Chest would encounter something so mind-blowingly stupid that he would just sort of ragequit, instead of politely retiring. Still, I liked it, liked the whole series, and it’s been one of the funniest things to appear on your site.

If anyone from CO was reading this series, they must have felt that the free publicity wasn’t worth the scathing critique of their storyline.

But I loved the series!

Star on Chest underwent a very compelling character arc: from self-important narcissist willing to go to any lengths for publicity to a hero disillusioned with the folly of the world around him. Somewhere along the way you shifted from satirizing him to voicing his satirical critique of the gameworld. And that’s a brilliant shift, one that kept the series from bogging down into a predictable routine.

And so ends the story of Star on Chest. great read, I’m looking forward to the next Let’s Play series.

Champions Online was the first MMO in a while that made me consider giving the game a try. It is the poor mission writing and world building you have described that keeps me away from the title. The game has things that I find important in my MMO playing, like the fighting system and one global server that is open for everyone. But the game still needs a setting that makes sense and is not a complete bad joke.

@Torsten (26): It might be worth grabbing on Steam… they’ve been selling it relatively cheap (though you missed the $10 holiday sale), and you can get through all the good parts of the game well within the free month you get at purchase.

This has been a great series, and I credit it with providing me with the strength to resist the lure of a new supers MMO. I was seriously tempted to get Champions Online before I started reading this series. As fun as I doubtless would have found the character creation and combat systems, the utter brokenness of the writing convinced me I’d be better off directing my money elsewhere.

The paranoid in me suspects this is why they do not offer a free trial of any sort–they know too many people interested in the game would not buy it if they could try it out first.

I can say I have greatly enjoyed this series – not only because I enjoy your style of writing, but because it gives me a glimpse into a game that I might not have ever given so much as a passing thought to.

Shamus, I have completely loved this series and am still very much enjoying playing CO. I know a lot of the commenters above think that it’s just plain stupid, but as you’ve pointed out, it really is a lot of fun. I’ve had one battle with my nemisis and just completed the first instance of Monster Island which was the most fun I’ve had soloing in an MMO ever.

The numbers of players are actually fairly solid, the players themselves seem quite happy to help a dude out and getting a group together takes no time. Obviously this game isn’t for everyone, but I find it ridiculously enjoyable.

For those that are slightly interested, there is a free demo available for CO that allows you to hang out in the starting areas.

I’ve only recently stumbled across your Let’s Play series and I totally thank you for taking the time to entertain us no end. Thanks Shamus.

To the above:
How do Nemeses (Nemesi? Nemesises?) work? Do they show up randomly from time to time, or are there preset times and places that they appear, and how much control are you given in customization?

@Davie: I think a themepark with tons of steps, one ride, robots who’ve gone insane, and whose only customers are terrorists from the nearby base counts as mindblowingly stupid.

It was the writing that eventually turned me off the game. That and the grindingly long early zones. The first millenium city battle is a good length, but I felt like I was stuck in the radioactive desert forever. Even the delightful but brief trip to a ghost town wasn’t enough to keep me playing.

I’ve started seeing pre-order ads for Star Trek Online around now… but it’s also from Cryptic, which makes me wonder if the storyline will be as cringe-inducing as CO’s was. Certainly the trailer doesn’t inspire much confidence. (In Star Trek, you don’t just stand there and keep shooting when you’re being shot in the chest.)

Your nemesis minions show up randomly every now and then while you’re doing something else and try and bash you while you’re bashing up someone else. Occasionally the defeated minions will leave a clue. This clue starts a mission that you tackle whenever you like which involves your nemesis.

I think on your journey to level cap you get 3 different nemisi, but I’ve only encounted my first.

To Miral, if hypothetically, someone was in beta for STO, it is possible that they could say the writing is very, very different from CO.

Shamus, I have to say – you completely destroyed my suspension of disbelief here!

Having never been freed of the control of the PSI supervillain, Corporal Antoine Harrison's uncommon common sense and competence made him the most effective officer Millennium City had ever seen. He quickly rose through the ranks and was eventually elected mayor.

PSI leader “PSImon” was astounded when their thrall took office, “We've been trying to seize control of City Hall for years. We tried everything: Kidnapping, threats, ransom, and assassinations. But simply putting forward someone halfway useful and having them get elected in a legitimate election was something that simply never occurred to us.[“]

Believe it or not, it was Shamus that made me consider playing CO. I am now a subscribed player, and loving the game.

That sounds like madness, but the combat *is* spectacular. How do I stop from going inane from the writing? That’s easy. I don’t read the missions. That’s right, I completely ignore the mission writing. Kill twenty PSI and collect stuff? Okay, that I will. No no, you don’t have to tell me *why*, I’ll just go ahead and do it, you give me rewards, and you send me off to do more stuff, shall we?

The combat is a lot more… what’s the word… “snappy” than CoX, and that’s what keeps me playing. Well, that, and the unique travel powers. Swingline for the win.

But as entertaining as Star on Chest’s exploits have been, I don’t really know for sure how you feel about the game. You’d think after 15 parts I’d get it, but it’s hard to know how much of that is blown up for dramatic effect and how much is actually game breaking. Don’t misunderstand me: I very much enjoyed the prose. But we all value you opinion a lot here and I was expecting a more traditional “here’s what I *really* think” post after Star’s exploits were wrapped up.

I probably would have titled Michael Bay’s Movie, “5-pointed Explosion on Chest” but other than that, I loved this whole series (and all the other ‘lets play’ that you’ve linked to). I’m now re-playing Morrowind, Dwarf Fortress, and Champions Online… so goodbye any free time I might have had… but still, so long and thanks for all the punches, Star on Chest.

The writing might well be insipid, but it is taken from the Champions IP which was mostly satirical, heavily camp, and in many cases feebly written as well. Consider the plausability of a world chock full of super-beings and how exactly could anything else about it be less ridiculous?

The game *is* fun for casual play. It’s not for people desiring a serious MMO experience. In fact, the game is really a solo game which happens to include other people. That said, Snake Gulch is actually quite a fun little place to be in, possibly the best overall designed mini-zone of the game, really. The cutie robot enemies are well done, and the bar with the robot chorus line is kind of nifty. I wish it were a larger zone with more to do.

So, yeah, get the game cheap and play it for the free month. There’s really only about two to three weeks of content for a serious player at the moment, and some of it is quite fun.

Also, you can have the “joy” of picking powers that are so gimp they shouldn’t be available, and respeccing out for a different power. And don’t forget the CO motto “Melee is for Masochists!(tm)”

Considering you don’t bother to read the dates the comments are posted (hint: you’re replying to a comment made 4 years ago), I very much doubt you’ll be reading this, but Champions Online went F2P a couple of years ago. It was still subscription-only when this article and this comment were made.

Loved this series, sorry to see it go! I’m in the camp that is really enjoying Champions Online, but your satire is so spot-on I have to laugh. I do wish it relied less on groaner humor, but none the less, it scratches my itch to be a hero.

Well, the ending was kind of sad, I was sort of curious what sort of insanity you got in the upper-level stuff (assuming it’s like CoX and you save the world six times before breakfast) But this was a great series.

Digging up an old but relevant thread, to ask: are you interested in DC Universe Online, at all?

As a comics nerd who has never played an MMO, and a console-only gamer, I am more than a little curious. And what I’ve heard so far makes it seem as though the designers are studiously avoiding the sort of inane nonsense that made this series so much fun to read. And probably a chore to play, at times.