I wish I could have seen the eclipse myself, but I couldn’t due to extensive cover-up by the rainclouds – a conspiracy which surely went all the way up.Image source: National Geographic

If you live in North America, you may have been able to see a partial solar eclipse this Thursday sometime around sunset. But if you had thought that the movement of stars and planets is governed only by laws of physics and cannot be explained by conspiracy theories, then you’re just not thinking big enough. Because on the Internet, you can explain anything with conspiracy theories – wars, climate change, economy, pandemics, so why should we believe that a planetary phenomenon really is what we are being told it is? So here are 10 conspiracy theories explaining the true reasons behind this week’s partial solar eclipse.

1) Commie liberal Obama administration, just out of sheer spite, stole the sun from the honest hard-working Americans.

2) The eclipse was just a hoax perpetrated by scientists, who thought that if they can convince us that they were right in their predictions of the eclipse, we’d also believe their predictions about global warming.

3) This was an attempt by Apple Corporation to re-brand the sky as Apple’s proprietary iSky product, privatize it, and synchronize it with Apple’s existing iCloud software.

4) It was Russia that made it seem like there was a solar eclipse during sunset to get everyone to look west, and invade us from the east while everyone is distracted and is looking the other way.

5) The Sun trying to safeguard itself from the Ebola virus by using the Moon as protective gear of sorts.

6) Major League Baseball is taking their game blackout policy to a whole new level.

7) The eclipse was a PR gimmick sponsored by ExxonMobil and BP to prove that solar power is much less reliable than oil.

8) It was the work of NASA trying to hide their cover-up of the Moon landing that never happened.

9) American Association of Ophthalmologists was trying to trick millions of people to stare directly into the sun, thus causing severe damage to their eyes and billions in profits to their eye doctors.

10) It may have been just a regular solar eclipse, but the real question you have to ask is when exactly Obama administration learned that an eclipse is imminent, and why haven’t they done anything to prevent it?

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events.
(* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.)
Blogging at listofx.com

Oh lord, the internet is throwing us back into the dark ages. OK, who upset the gods this time? Is it possible that Americans are becoming paranoid due to the number of lies they’ve been told in the past? Sigh. Funny post X. Very apropos.

To rephrase some famous saying, you can take people out of the dark ages, but you can’t take the dark ages out of people.
And I understand the impulse to become paranoid in response to all the lies, but too often it just leads to even more counter-lies.

There was a partial eclipse? Any chance Mitsubishi Motors was behind it in an elaborate scheme to get the name “Eclipse” on everyone’s lips? I’m pretty sure that’s why Ford is behind the increase in Fiestas in many countries as well as efforts to make Taurus the most popular sign of the zodiac.

There really was an eclipse, I was told.
I don’t know if it was really a Mitsubishi ploy – would they really want people talking about a partial Eclipse? But you have something there with Ford, if they got you to Focus their attention on them.

But Ebola doesn’t spread through the air, unfortunately. However, if a Republican party held a convention near a strip club with even just one Ebola-infected stripper, you could probably count on half of attendees getting sick, too.

How could you talk about conspiracy theories and leave out the Bilderberg Group and The Illuminati? There was a rare collusion between the two groups to distract everyone while they secretly and stealthily did something… I can’t find anything about it anywhere on the web, they’re that good. You never know what you don’t know. You know?

They’re not just good, they’re superb, magnificent, outstanding in their coverup skills. They’re so good that they completely slipped under the radar in my mind when I was writing this post.
P.S. Except I think that the solar eclipse was probably not the work of the Illuminati, but their rival and more shadowy group called “the Obscurati”.

Yes, we should ask exactly how long it will take for Obama to come up with a cure for solar eclipses – IF they even exist. But he’s probably too busy spitting into the cokes of everyone at Fox News after purposely exposing himself to the disease.

1,7, and 10 are my faves. They made me laugh the loudest. Obama is blamed for pretty much anything these days. He’s become a boogieman to scare young republicans into staying in their cribs at night, although I understand they learn how to escape the cribs by age eighteen. 😉

This was definitely Obama’s fault. Also, I sat in my car looking through the tint, while wearing glasses, and still pretty much blinded myself and saw spots the rest of the day. Some people never learn…

5) made me spit up a drink I hadn’t ingested. Now that’s a heck of a trick, X. I also appreciate the baseball mention, not to mention the consistent flogging of that no-good, unpopular cretin that runs your country and is assuredly responsible for pretty much anything bad.

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