I learned a new word while reading Sayers the other day. Well, I should be honest: I was reading a blog penned by an older English lady back in 2003 in which she reviewed Sayers’ Wimsey mysteries. She (the blogger, I mean) was working on her dissertation, and she would often pause to write these really critically-constructed reviews of the mysteries’ characters and genre. As a bonus[1] to an anglophile like me, the comments are largely written by other Britons, and so I find myself an wallowing in riches three times over: Sayers, blogger “Truepenny,” and the commenting public of the island nation. Witness my reverie for a moment, if you would. Okay, that’s enough.

And so it was within the golden ashes of a long-abandoned blog that I discovered the word ludic, which is a rather old adjective relating to sport. You’ll kick yourself in a moment if you haven’t already made the connection to the more contemporary adjective ludicrous, but there you have it. I was delighted to realize that here, here was the legitimate grandfather of an adjective I had met in my youth and seen corrupted in my teens by a certain actor/hip hop artist. Not since the discovery of burgle had I encountered a word so effortlessly peremptory, so readily available to one already afflicted with pretension in spades.

As I thought more about ludic, I gradually began to wonder how it had dropped out of our vernacular, at least in America (although I believe its usage is rather rare in England as well). Ludicrous had no trouble sticking around, but that is often the case with adjectives placed further toward the end of the spectrum. We are a people who miss the forest for the trees, clearing them in a frenzy to expose the utter west of our nation. England has retained obsequious, we’ve opted for suck-up. That’s the way it is, and I think I’m okay with that. We are a people defined by our unquenchable thirst for convenient consumption, but that need not restrict our and my vocabulary today.

I played soccer tonight, and there was nothing ludic about it other than the rules. We got murdered, not literally, although Sayers actually described some homicides less grisly than the one my team experienced. Our frustration mounted along with the goal margin, and by halftime we were down lots of goals. Like, all of them, basically. Just so many, many goals that went in the wrong net. Like the one where I, filling in for our erstwhile goalkeeper, accidentally batted a ball into our own net. At first, I was utterly disgusted with myself, our team and the game of soccer itself. Then I took a deep breath, thought about what was really important in life, and calmly retrieved the ball from a corner of our goal to drop-kick it into the netting surrounding the field, getting it stuck behind a post about eight feet off the ground in the process. It’s kind of like when the basketball gets stuck in between the rim and the backboard, except much more humiliating.

“Oh,” I thought. “This probably doesn’t make me look good.” I looked around casually, and noticed the following:

That our celebrating opponents were jogging back to their half of the field unaware of my artistic little pout.

That the referee was discussing something with the scorekeeper and had his back turned to me.

That my team had their heads down in shame, looking anywhere but at the seething glare upon my not-really-sweaty face.

(Goalies don’t exert themselves much in games like this for the simple fact that they don’t make much contact with the ball.)

That the only people who knew where the ball was other than yours truly were the spectators who had just witnessed my triumphantly petulant burst of idiocy.

It’s a funny thing about adult sports: You tell yourself that you’re playing for the exercise, the camaraderie, the healthy competition or whatever, but eventually you will discover that your inner nine-year-old has always been the driving force behind it all; you will also eventually discover that he has just been dying for the opportunity to metaphorically pants you right when you’re feeling down. At 26 years old, gainfully employed and moderately mature, I had summarily executed my dignity for everyone to see. Good thing most of them weren’t looking.

That ball couldn’t stay there forever, though. I stood there thinking about it. If I did nothing, someone would eventually point out the location of the ball to the players on the field. Adult soccer players are not known for their intellectual agility, but I would be found out one way or another, and it would probably be humiliating. It was already humiliating. Alternatively, if I pointed out the ball to someone else, they would inevitably wonder how the ball got stuck up there and how I was the only one who knew where it was. This had the tempting advantage of at least delaying my embarrassment for a few moments while everyone’s curiosity was piqued by the ball retriever hoisting himself up to get the ball. But someone would ask him, and he would tell them, and they would say, “Really, that Robert guy?” That part would suck.

No, I had clearly burned every one of my ships back to the island of self-esteem when I punted the ball with all my pathetic might just a few moments ago. There was no choice: I had to get the ball myself. The amused onlookers surely had a good laugh as I nonchalantly trotted over to the netting, jumped as high as I could, and supported myself with one hand while I artfully scooped down the ball with the other. In case you don’t care much for sports and you’re not clear on how the game was going, let me clarify: this was, by far, my most successful moment of the evening. As I landed, I mediated on the fact that learning humility and maturity while playing a child’s game with other grown men is a rare event—granting that I learned anything at all—and hey, I at least executed the retrieval maneuver correctly. I’m an athlete, you may have heard.

I’m not sure when I’ll give up playing soccer completely, but I know I’m closer to quitting today than I was last year. I love the competition, but it’s pretty clear that I’m neither appeasing nor refining the most admirable of desires during this one hour a week on a soccer field. If I’m honest, I probably get loads more healthy satisfaction (not to mention genuine exercise) from regular jogging than I ever will from sporadic competition. Even the fact that I now talk about quitting as a “when” as opposed to an “if” is coldly real to me. After embracing the ludic for so long, I’m reluctant to admit the increasing presence of the ludicrous along with it. There’s a certain pride that comes from participating in sport well. It’s tough to hold on to that pride when my age keeps whispering louder each week, sometimes voicing itself in aching joints and ankle braces, or if I’m lucky, only in my fruitless attempts to keep up with those 19-year-old college players. I am not what I was, but I do know what I want to become: a man willing to hop up and retrieve that ball shamelessly with a smile on his face. And even more than that, a man who doesn’t have to run that far to retrieve it in the first place.

[1] I originally started to write the phrase, “As an added bonus” before subsequently excoriating myself for exercising the “Biggest pet peeve” faux pas that has caused me no end of teeth-gritting over the past few years.

I don’t remember most of my dreams. I remembered this one from the moment I woke up as vividly (if not as achingly) as I do now.

Here are some dumb words about it that proved to be insufficient catharsis.

* * *

A dream caught my breath
Gave it back and then some
Her surreptitious understanding
Knocked me over then and there
Siphoned tears from dull pupils
Her name is unfamiliar to me in this context
Where she pulls my shame onto her shoulder
Knowing me and responding to every word I speak
What is it to be known and loved and loved and understood?
The barren among the betrothed are well-aware: this would be enough
Assurance brought from witnessing laughter and smile easily simultaneous
On her face , her eyes delighting in me for no good reason
She shushes and advances at my demons with sly and furious anger drawn
I wake in tears and laughter with her name upon my damp forehead
Pad downstairs to enjoy my cereal
Quivering with fear and timid joy
It’s all a bit much for Monday morning