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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Green Eyed Monster

Mourning the loss of your child comes with more emotions than anyone could ever expect to handle. Devastation. Denial. Guilt. Anger. Fear. None of them really surprised me. The intensity of them often caught me off guard, but all of these emotions seemed very normal when given my circumstances. I was not, however, expecting to experience the level of jealousy I have been. Sometimes, when I see another mother in public with her child, I immediately scrutinize her every move. What would I have done differently? What would I have done better? How is it that she is awarded the privilege of having a living child, and not me? When I catch a glimpse of a baby being cradled lovingly in her mother's arms, or pushed in a stroller, I think to myself that I should have that. That baby should be mine, not hers. Lady Justice clearly was on a smoke break the day Kenley died. Someone owes me a baby!The greatest bane of my existence right now is Kim Kardashian's daughter. I am so jealous that Kim Kardashian has a baby and I don't that I seriously cannot see straight! My judgmental side rears its ugly head and terrible, catty thoughts spin through my mind. Thoughts I am not willing to put into print because they are really not nice at all - and they are also undeserved. She's probably not a bad person, but I can't help but think why does she get to have a healthy baby and I don't? The rumor is that her daughter's name will start with a K as well. It's enough to make me scream. Imma let you finish, Kim, but I had the best baby of all time!

Oh, yeah. And add those feelings to the fact that I want the parent to acknowledge my pain...I want them to see my empty arms and realize my baby died and feel guilty that they have what I want.

My cousin announced her pregnancy on Facebook a few months after we lost our son. I was in Canada, traveling on business. All alone. My cell phone on roam. And NO ONE thoguht to warn me. When I called my mom, screaming, she said that they didn't want to make me feel bad and no one knew what to say. And my cousin is having a boy, just like our son. She hasn't delivered yet. I can't bear the thought and am - quite honestly - glad she lives several states away.