Why ‘rape’ isn’t always wrong: A guide to sexual etiquette, by George Galloway

After the backlash from my recent comments regarding the allegations against Julian Assange, it has become clear that a lot of people do not fully understand sexual etiquette. So I’m here to tell you why so-called ‘rape’ isn’t always wrong, and explain the finer points of when it is acceptable to penetrate a woman who isn’t expecting it.

Should I always ask for consent?

We’ve all done things under the influence of alcohol that we regret in the cold light of day, except for me of course, because I’m a good Muslim. Speaking from my own experiences as an unattractive man it is wise to get consent so if she regrets your little encounter the next morning she doesn’t have the option of calling the police. It can be a tricky question to broach, particularly when she doesn’t even know that you’ve been following her.

I find that a consent form works very well, especially on celebrities, as they rarely check what they are signing when you ask for an autograph. A signed consent form will cover you nicely for when you lure them into the bedroom later, or a dark alley.

Playing games can be fun, so try some word games

If you find yourself dealing with somebody who would be suspicious about being asked for an autograph then you are relying on her verbally consenting to be violated by you. This is where you have to be very careful about how you word the question. I find that a lot of people are careless when it comes to double negatives, so asking ‘Why are you looking so scared, do you not want to have sex with me?’ will often result in a horrified response of ‘NO!’.

Your cleverly worded question and creepy smile has prompted a double negative, meaning that she has, in fact, consented. Anything you then do to her while she is asleep, unconscious, or restrained, is perfectly acceptable and within the law.

Is it ever ok to use ‘date rape’ drugs?

Drugs such as Rohypnol have been given a bad name in the press because of their use by alleged sexual predators. I feel that this is down to the tag ‘date rape drugs’ that they have been given. If they were called ‘happy puppy dog drugs’ then nobody would have a problem with them. These drugs can be fun and can certainly play a part in moving a relationship forward more quickly. Most notably in two people going from ‘strangers’ to ‘bedmates’, sometimes in a matter of minutes.

Remember, consent doesn’t have an expiry date

One final point to remember is that once you have got consent from a woman that consent lasts forever. You don’t need to re-apply for consent, so if you wake up in the morning and she’s still asleep, feel free to have another go. Or even if you see her again a year later, just hop right on because you've already got consent.

This is a lesson that the people of Bradford West are going to learn very well as they are repeatedly shafted over the coming years after consenting to me being their MP.