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On leaving what you know…

I said, I would not be too nervous about leaving my home and going to the US. I did so before, I said. Yes, I said, I am looking forward to it. But nervous? No way.

Turns out I was wrong.

Today it hit me. I’m leaving. Leaving my day-to-day life, my friends, my city. Leaving a feeling of safety, of knowing where to go or what to do. And I’m about to enter the opposite.

As the crucial date is approaching, the date on which finally I will sit down in this plane that will bring me to California… As the moment to say goodbye is coming closer, I keep finding myself in deep episodic future thought, that kind of thinking that enables us to imagine what will be. It’s these moments…These moments I realize that in this case, episodic future thinking fails, that I just CANNOT know what expects me…it’s these moments that my nerves come creeping up on me. So the only option is to not expect. Because it’s a hopeless endeavour.

I thought that being in this situation twice before would be enough to approach it with some relaxation. But I was wrong.

You might be surprised. But I’m happy about this. Because this nervousness is not a bad feeling. It’s more of a really strong urge to step into the plane and find out about all that is unknown at this point. Because there might be uncertainty. But even more, there is curiosity.

It’s a bit like with this foggy Golden Gate Bridge here…I can’t see the other side. But I sure want to find out what’s there!