Dr. Know: The Other Kind of Doggy Bag

What is up with the little plastic bags of dog poop in Forest Park?

I often hike in Forest Park and frequently see little
plastic bags of dog poop, knotted shut and left at the side of the trail
or even on top of a rock or stump. What is up with this? Is there some
religious significance to these offerings?

—Puzzled in the Parks

In ancient times, a shadowy race of
druidic peoples trod the plashy fens of the Willamette Valley. No one
knows who they were, or what they were doing, but their priests created
carefully positioned poo monuments in such perfect alignment with
Earth’s magnetic field and the rays of the setting sun that, for a few
moments on each winter solstice, worshippers could smell Detroit.

If there
really were to be a modern resurgence of ancient pooidic rituals, God
knows Portland is the place it’d happen. But I’m afraid the truth is
more prosaic: People are public-spirited enough to bag their dog’s crap,
but not quite so civic-minded as to carry it to a trash can.

This half-measure is
literally worse than nothing, since it turns what would have been a
temporary, biodegradable annoyance into an immortal monument to short
attention spans.

But take heart: At
least the offenders can get busted. The parks bureau’s Mark Ross says
rangers can issue citations for up to $150 for dog-related offenses.
(Though he then adds, rather distressingly, that “they’d be delighted if
they never had to issue a single one,” suggesting a mollycoddling,
forgive-and-forget attitude at odds with the thumbscrews-and-horsewhips
regimen so plainly needed.)

Ross also notes that
the parks bureau is partnering with Portland Public Schools on an
outreach program that will teach kids how not to do this kind of thing.
(Adults are already lost causes, I guess.) So there you go, Puzzled; in
just a few short generations, the problem will have solved itself.