Five new monster-combo movies for SyFy

Who doesn’t love the crap-tastic “creature combination” flicks that the SyFy Channel puts out? Well, okay, most intelligent people, true, but you have to admit that the channel really has this stuff down to a science*.

With amazing low-budget CGI monster-combo movies like Piranahconda, Sharktopus, Dinocroc vs. Supergator** and more, Syfy is adept at creating movie titles so preposterous that even the most logical mind thinks; “ermagherd, that’s going to suck so much, but I … must … see .. what it looks like … must … grab … remote control … “

So I thought I’d help SyFy out with their new movie slate for 2014. Here’s five monster-combo movies that just have to get made. If I didn’t include a movie poster, feel free to make one for me, all your artistic types.

MOUSEQUITO:This is a sequel to both the all-time craptacular mess that is the SyFy original flick Mansquito, and the beloved An American Tail.

Tagline: Keep your cheese … Fievel wants your heart.

Synopses: Fievel’s life on the streets leads to a nasty crack habbit. In order to pay off his dealer, everyone’s favorite little mouse volunters for scientific experiments. Little does he know that instead of testing a new formula of Viagra, he’s unwittingly subjected to illegal DNA recombination.

FREDDYBEAR:I am not proud of the fact that Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear scares the living shite out of me. That think is a nightmare waiting to happen. I think it shacks up with that clown that lives under the bed in Poltergeist.

Tagline: Blood makes your clothes so Downy-soft.

Synopses: The Nightmare on Elm Street comes to SyFy, and we live up to billing by screwing it up right and proper. Also, there is a really mean bear.

SLAMPHIBIAN:Know what SyFy loves more than science fiction? Wraslin‘! The channel’s highest-rated shows are WWE spectactulars.

Tagline: Summer Slam meets Attack of the Frogs.

Synopses: A wrestling man goes to a sekret lab to get bigger and stronger so he can win the WWE championship. The lab does illegal genetic experiments on him, turning him into a frog-man-monster-wrestler.

CANKLESAUROUS:I think this title speaks for itself.

Tagline: Global Warming! It’s bad!

Synopses: A poor Triceratops is picked on because it is overweight. It runs away from bullies, only to be frozen in a deep cave in New England. Then, global warming! Even though a scientist warns that global warming! will kill us all, the mayor of the town won’t listen because it’s tourist season! and we’re not shutting this damn town down are you kidding me with your hippy crap? Triceratops thaws out and people get impaled.

IRANICONDA:If there’s one thing the SyFy channels loves, it’s big-ass snakes. Anacondas, Boa Constrictors, Piranahcondas, there is no shortage of these movies and with good reason; giant snake movies are kind of like pizza — even the worst pizza you ever had is still pretty good. So, if we take some good-ol’ ‘Merica! jingoism that the WWE loves so much, and combine it with really long reptiles, you get Iraniconda.

Tagline: It’s a whole different culture, run away!

Synopsis: A brave unit of Army Rangers gets stranded while on maneuvers in Afghanistan. An Evil Corporation™, which is part of the Evil Military-Industrial Complex™, and is in league with Those Corrupt Politicians™, conpsire to infect the Rangers with Genetically Modified Evil Creatures™ made by Mad Scientists With No Morals™ because Science Is Bad™.

The Rangers find themselves in Iran, where they meet the Republican Guard’s new super-weapon, a giant-ass snake! The Rangers must destroy the snake before it invades ‘Merica.***

* I apologize to all scientists everywhere for using the word “science” in relation to SyFy original movies.

** No, I am not making these names up. If you’ve never heard of these movies, they truly do exist.

*** The Iranians have no delivery method for getting the snake into the US, but don’t worry about that just now, bomb the shit out of them and then go crack a brewski.

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Comments

Yeah, I vote for “SLAMPHIBIAN” too, and I would like it to have Rowdy Roddy Piper in it as a corrupt evil city official who is using his mutant wrasselin mussel to control the city’s drug rings and criminal sexy sex-trade.

I think we all are forgetting the biggest movie of the SyFy original season!VolcanarahnaArctopus:

An Ancient Fire Breathing Octorahna is unleashedfrom its arctic prison to reek havoc on theunsuspecting village of “Any Town Falls”! Will Dr. Everymanbe able to band the left over residents who survivedthe Inferno of the Frostahurraquake in order to stop this menace before the world is consumed?

Oh yeah! These are awesom. I must admit to the guilty pleasure of aweful SyFy movies. Just saw ‘Ice Tornadoes’ last week. Truly awful, but fun – er, sort of. I love the stars you picked for your movies. Do you think we could add a giant mongoose to Iraniconda?