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The Vegas Diaries: Part Three

So where were we? Ah yes, our Holls has finally met a nice guy! Even though she has some reservations (Mark is only 23 to her 31, he lives in NYC, he seems soooo nice, he doesn’t wear a side-cocked trucker hat or a silk smoking jacket, etc.), Holly is happy that she met someone she can actually be herself with.

OR CAN SHE?

maybe dawson is still single? image source: spoilthedead.com

Before she and Marky Mark make it offish, Holly agrees to jump out of a cake for Vegas’s own Monopoly man, “Eric J. Parkington,” as one does. Holly’s friend Nancy works for Eric and tells Holly that he has a huuuuuuuuuuuge crush on her (these people are in their 30s, btw) and it will be so funny. After leaving the party together, Holly goes to some shithole and has a dacquiri or something with Eric that makes her drunky and they kiss. The next 80 chapters are Holly defending this kiss OVER and OVER again as she and Mark weren’t together officially yet, they hadn’t discussed not dating other people, Eric kissed HER not the other way around, yadda yadda yadda.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MARK?! jk, I could care less. image source: brostick.com

After Holly and Mark are finally, like totes bf-gf, everything is great for Holly! JUST KIDDING. NOTHING IS EVER GREAT FOR HOLLY. Her next gigantic disastrous life set-back is that the producers of Peep Show want to her STOP being such a GIGANTIC fatass.

oh, the humanity! image source: giphy.com

Holly gets REALLY angry about this, but she admitted several times that she never worked out or watched what she ate, so…. it’s kind of a shoulder shrugger. I mean, in no universe has Holly Madison ever been overweight, but when you’re nakey in front of thousands of people each week, I guess you might be held to a different standard.

Of course, Holly loses the weight and hooray! BUT of course, dark clouds are on the horizon. Because PLOT TWIST- Holly is the bad guy this time. SHE is shitty to Mark and distances herself from him and pulls away until he finally breaks up with her.

you treated me like a kendra. and i’m a bridget, beotch. image source: popkey.com

Now Holly can finally date the fictional sounding man of her dreams- Eric J. Parkington! OMG I have grown tired of this laundry list of men. It turns out, I am not really that interested in Holly’s life after the mansion. The permanent victim shtick (she even frames her poor treatment of Mark as “she wasn’t ready to let herself be loved”) makes her so unlikeable and her watered down, basic bitch friends (whom Holly uses only for advice and reminding them how much she has helped them) are so uninteresting it hurts. Even Hannah, who originally sounded fun, mostly now just flips through magazines while Holly complains. I mean JESUS.

seriously, don’t make me #teamkendra. image source: wifflegif.com

GUESS WHAT. YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GUESS.

Eric J. Parkington is boring and an asshole and he and Holly break up.

I’M STILL NOT OVER IT. image source: wifflegif.com

Next, Holly dates some clingy weirdo she calls “Ray” and more clubrat girls are rude to her. Women do not “talk” to Holly Madison. Oh no. They only “sneer” and for some reason, EVERY WOMAN who talks to her, even her friends, rolls their eyes while doing so. It must be exhausting dealing with such harshness day in and day out. Naturally, her friend Nancy, who was one of the first people Holly met when she moved to Vegas, turns on her and tries to pit their other friends against Holly.

I don’t know how Holly ever leaves her house, with some many people out to get her. image source: giphy.com

Anyway, Nancy is basically a big fucking mess with a drinking problem and Holly and her other friends write her off. The end.

this will never not be funny. image source: memecenter.com

Now Holly is v v lonely. Like Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones before her, Holly resigns herself to a life of singledom. Luckily, she still has some friends left to complain to, so she decides to finally start unburdening herself of her Playboy nightmare memories. Naturally, like us, Hannah and Lindsay actually give a shit about hearing these stories, so they pay attention. She tells them about the first time she went to Vegas, which was with Hef and six other girlfriends, right after she moved in to the mansion. What could POSSIBLY go wrong in this scenario?

it’s going to be… great! image source: thefw.com

So it turns out that seven insecure beautiful women in their early twenties all participating in some weird elderly Olympics of May-December relationship bullshit is NOT Holly’s idea of a good time. Everyone is mean to her. But she decides to stick it out anyway. After seeing Hannah and Lindsay’s interest in her stories, Holly wonders if anyone else would be interested in hearing all of her bunny tales…

At the end of the story, Holly has not yet met her future husband, Pasquale, but she is fine, you guys. She made it! On her own! EVEN THOUGH YOU DOUBTED HER.