You are three weeks old. You nursed pretty much straight through the night last night, as I sort of drifted in and out of being fully awake.

You’re going through a growth spurt.

When you switch sides I feel the sting of letdown. Sometimes you nurse eagerly and gulp down the milk. Sometimes you become upset because you don’t want milk. Or you don’t want the fast flow of my over-active letdown. Sometimes you just want to lay in the semi-dark and nurse peacefully while your little dark blue eyes stare at my face and your little feet kick the still-soft skin of my belly which was your former home. Sometimes you want to comfort nurse. When this happens I kiss your forehead and switch you back to the “empty” side and let you lay close. You are a wise little creature that understands what it is that you need.

I am not a human pacifier.

Usually when a mom says that, it’s an expression of frustration that their infant insists on suckling for comfort. This is not what I mean when I say this.

I am not a warm human substitute for a cold silicone and plastic doohickey.

Your father may sometimes be a human pacifier. You suckle on his pinky finger during diaper changes or when I desperately need to wash my milk-stained body in the shower and remember for a few moments that I have two arms with two hands and that the dimensions of my body do not include an oddly independent nine pound female child that is frequently suspended from my body in a wrap of lightweight gauze. Your grandfather may be a human pacifier, as he holds you lovingly while I get your big brothers ready for bed or eat a hot meal without waiting for it to cool first- a luxury of not being afraid of hot bits of soup falling on you while I eat. Your brothers may briefly be human pacifiers when they offer up their pinky fingers for you to suck on, always imitating their daddy.Your grandma may be a human pacifier when she offers you her pinky finger to suck on and sings you Russian songs from her childhood.

But my breasts are not pacifiers. Comfort sucking is not time wasted. It’s part of the job that my body and you have. It is how we evolved. We are the product of a long process of evolution that causes you to seek out my arms and my breasts, to suckle for comfort, to communicate with my immune system, to stay close and warm and protected, to stimulate the supply of your food, your antibodies, the components of breastmilk that scientists can see but cannot identify the function of.

Maybe you want the comfort of non-nutritive suckling because there is something that has you stressed out. Maybe you want a slow flow of high fat hindmilk that comes from comfort nursing. Maybe your body has some bacteria in it and you need the closeness so that your immune system can communicate with my immune system and it all can be taken care of without either of us ever knowing and without you ever becoming sick from the foreign invaders that your body cannot cope with but that my adult immune system attacks with the ferocity of a mama bear defending her cub.

Independence will come at your pace. “I DO IT MYSELF!” will become the phrase of the moment soon enough. The need to peel off and be independent is as natural a need as the need to breathe, to sleep and to eat. It comes from within the child when the child has the ability. It has come from within your brothers as they get older. It will come from within you as well. I can see it already as you bob your head against my chest in the wrap and peek over the side eager to strengthen your muscles and look at the world.

I choose to neither hold you past when you wish to be held, nor deny you comfort while it is something that you seek. I push you gently to be independent, recognizing that your world naturally expands within your comfort zone without me needing to push you past it into tears.

I am not a “human pacifier”. I am what you have a biological and evolutionary need for. I will not devalue your needs by implying that you lack the wisdom and understanding of what those needs are. I will not devalue your needs by becoming frustrated by your refusal to accept something that does not meet those needs. I want you to listen to your body from the beginning, to understand the difference between a healthy need of yours and a pacifying object. To have an understanding that dates back to the beginnings of your time on this planet.. That comfort comes from having your needs met, not from distracting yourself with something pink, pretty and plastic.

No manufacturer makes what you need for happiness, little one. I want you to understand this from the beginning of your life. Happiness comes from love, from closeness, and from deep inside of you. Seek this happiness, and never be distracted by things that simply pacify you rather than satisfying your needs.

I was completely exhausted and let her give L a pacifier. And then L slept for 5 hours and it was heavenly. So perhaps it was what I needed to heal. We didn't use a paci after that though (we did have a babysitter for a weekend who gave her a paci when she was 10wks).

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

I like this. What a great reminder, especially now when I am getting up every day exhausted from night nursing, that this has real value and I am not just being a pushover.

Mr. Scandi has been pushing for a pacifier for tw for a couple weeks because he says she just needs to suck sometimes, and I keep saying no without really being able to explain why I don't want to do that. Now someone has said it better than I could.

I wish we could have a more nuanced discussion on BFing (re that article that Audrey posted). I hate the "OMG FF mothers are lazy and selfish" versus "OMG BFing mothers are oppressed morons/Nazis" The truth is like everything else in parenting - everyone has a different kid, a different family and a different set of circumstances. So respect people's choices and Shuttest The Forsooth Up!.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

yep I hate that is has to be all or nothing on this issue! that's just ridiculous. I did think the part of that article where she talks about medical journals pretty much dismissing the health benefits of breastmilk was interesting.

I'm not criticizing the decision to post the article! I like the Atlantic and think that both sides have valid points. I just feel bad because I saw Ariann getting pulling into a ridiculous thread on FB about an article called "Defensive Formula Feeders." It was so unkind, I'm not going to link to it, but it was really mean.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

I am in a FB group to support breastfeeders and we have another long thread ranting about formula feeding mothers. And now someone is blaming people for their milk not coming in and I want to punch people in the face. But it is useful to have a place to ask for advice re BFing.

Grrr. Stupidity is everywhere.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

I agree. I've done it both ways (exclusive FF for Shae and almost 3 years BF Silas)and I know I'm a good parent to both of kids and did my best for each of them in the situation. I get sensitive to both sides of criticism.

Totally, and its in so many aspects of parenting, like vax/anti-vax, c-section/natural births (I have run across way too many people who think that anyone who needed a csection is just too lazy to push), homebirths/hospital, homeschooling, etc etc.

Maybe we should all refrain from judging other people's choices and especially from making medical pronouncements about health when we aren't actually medical service providers caring for the other person. //rant over :). Thanks for letting me vent. The crazy is strong today, probably bc we're all trapped inside bc of the snow and flu

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Like Refinnej said in another thread, having kids has made me way less judgmental of other people. I just wanted to be able to BF on demand and in public* without any criticism, but even my MIL, who never used formula, had something to say about how I was doing it wrong. I would never dream of criticising a mom feeding her kid (okay, I do rant about moms feeding their kids unhealthy foods, but not to their faces, and that's another issue entirely).

* It's not like I'm busting out my boobie tassles and shouting, "BEHOLD! THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!" or anything, but people like my mom and dad think breastfeeding uncovered** in front of anyone is offensive and weird!

**seriously, it's usually more subtle if I don't use a cover. People don't even know most of the time. They only really notice if they happen to see the sucker latch on.

i have one of those busy-body babies who snaps off the nipple every time she hears something going on nearby. my breasts are out a lot more than i would choose hahaha. i might as well break out the tassles :/

i have one of those busy-body babies who snaps off the nipple every time she hears something going on nearby. my breasts are out a lot more than i would choose hahaha. i might as well break out the tassles :/

Hey, that's fine, too! I'm sure I've flashed people a few times. Beetroot was happy to be covered, but Raygold had to be uncovered and popped off a lot, too, come to think of it. And he would fall asleep and pop off and I'd be talking to Mr Crabby and sometimes not paying attention until my nipple felt cold. Tassel time! XD

My guess is that the problem with studying the effects of breastfeeding is that it's tied up with many other lifestyle and population factors, and that even as an act there are inseparable aspects: the milk itself vs. the closeness/act of feeding. I don't know that there's an easy way to control for all this stuff. Plus, most widespread data collection (like the CDC) seems to just look at things like "ever breastfed: y/n."

Personally I think LLL goes kind of far over the top when talking about the benefits. I'm not sure this does anyone a service.