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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting

Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting PhilosophyThis post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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"It's easier to raise a son than it is to change a man." -Author unknown

After reading Kohn's amazing book, Unconditional Parenting, I took the author's advice to heart: I contemplated my long-term goals for my toddler son. What kind of person do I want to raise? What kind of relationship do I want to have with him when he's an adult? I surprised myself a little when my answer to the first question didn't include success or happiness. What I really care about is that Munchkin grow up to be a good person. I also hope that we will maintain a strong, healthy connection. Good person, good relationship. That's it.

That's it, huh? Upon deeper reflection, I realized it's a tall order. I hope my son will grow up to be empathetic, compassionate, conscientious, honest, considerate, loving, hard-working, self-sufficient, confident, assertive, patient, independent and self-aware. Plus, I hope he will still love me, respect me, and come around because he wants to, not out of an obligation to see his mother. Whew!

Where to begin with such lofty goals? I started with some of the basic principles of Attachment and Unconditional Parenting and worked from there. I have three overarching ideals: show respect in order to earn respect, model the behavior I want to see, and be responsive rather than controlling.

Many of the parenting practices I have adopted, or hope to adopt, make up the heart of my blog. Each practice warrants its own post, but for now I'd like to share my toddler-friendly starter kit. These are just a few highlights of the parenting practices I'm using that I hope will further my long-term parenting goals:

Maintain realistic expectations based on the child's age by learning about child development at each new phase of our journey.

Admit mistakes and apologize to show that I'm human and fallible and willing to admit it.

Be willing to make changes in light of new information or when the status quo doesn't work. One of the most amazing aspects of parenting is that we get to raise ourselves with our children. We get to evolve and change and transform into the person we want to be so that we can raise little people to be who they want to be. This means I am open to revising my practice if conditions warrant it.

Accept the child for who he is instead of who I want him to be. I can provide the nurturing ingredients, but in the end I have to acknowledge that he is his own person. The rest of the world will also have an influence on him that I can't control. Munchkin will grow in his own way, in his own time. I will just keep on loving him, unconditionally.

What are your long-term parenting goals and how do you hope to fulfill them?

***Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:(This list will be live and updated by afternoon July 12 with all the carnival links.)

really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.

Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured's parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).

First Year Reflections — As her daughter's first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.

Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.

Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.

Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.

Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom's parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.

Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.

Connection, Communication, Compassion — She's come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.

My Parenting Inspirations - Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.

Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It's the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.

THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter's life.

On Children — "Your children are not your children," say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.

This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.

My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she's using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.

Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.

Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.

Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it's important for her daughter's growth.

What's a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.

8 comments:

You and I could have written very similar lists :) I loved discovering Kohn and Rosenberg and some of the other concepts you mentioned when Kieran was younger - they have been invaluable to me, both when Kieran was a toddler, and especially now that I am being more challenged as the mama to a preschooler.

Your last two points are my favorites -- being open to change and accepting his free will. It's easy to think, "Because I am doing things right, things will turn out well." But, on the one hand, sometimes the 'right thing' changes from day to day and year to year, and sometimes a child chooses to do something we wouldn't choose for them. At those times, it's good to remember your two points.

What a beautiful post, got me bit teary eyed indeed ;) As Dionna says, it gets more challenging as they grow older (DD is 4,5). As you say we do the best that we know and we cannot control everything that will influence them. But our unconditional love will always be here.

First off, I love the quote that it's easier to raise a son than to change a man. It was very therapeutic for me to read Kohn's book. It's very challenging to change your conditioned mind (from what your parents did, etc)to become an unconditional parent and think differently about raising children. It's a great list that you wrote that every parent should aspire to.

I have been meaning to read Kohn's book - I will get to it someday! :) But meanwhile, I'll use your fantastic "starter kit" as a reminder of WHY I parent in a peaceful way, and how to continue to do so and nurture a cooperative and loving relationship with my children. Thank you for putting this together!

Those are great precepts, and that is one of my very favorite parenting books. I love the cosleeping & breastfeeding indefinitely part of your post, because I'm definitely feeling that right now with my 4-year-old. :) But they keep needing that connection, so the best thing is to keep providing it as they ask for it!