Last week I was invited to speak on the TVNZ Breakfast show in response to a controversial statement made by a UK based sociologist Ellis Cashmore. Ellis Cahsmore’s upcoming book “Screen Society” challenges the common train of thought that screen exposure is damaging for our children. Instead, he warns parents against banning the internet at home, claiming it’s “tantamount to child abuse”.

As I said on the show, this statement is controversial but it acts as a conversation starter for a much-needed discussion about constructive technology-based experiences and routines for our kids.

There is no doubt we are in the midst of a technological revolution and we need to be thinking about how we prepare our children for their digital future.

There are definite social - and educational - advantages to the internet and also screen time. The internet has exposed many areas of life previously unknown; opening opinions, dialogue and discourse about human rights and progressing civil liberties. All of which are exciting and necessary landscapes for our children to be exposed to.

A complete ban on screen time is incredibly unrealistic. But, screen time also has its own consequences.

The downside:The truth is that there is no clear information because technology, and our interaction with it, is moving much faster than we can research. Society itself is moving at a faster pace than any other period in our human evolution and we are - to some extent - playing catch up.

However, there are some health and social risks associated with technology. We do know there is a link between increased screen time and childhood obesity and type two diabetes.

From a neurological standpoint there is also a potential difference in brain chemistry due to higher levels of dopamine being released while using screens during critical brain development periods. Our current understanding of this risk is limited. But erring on the side of caution is safest practise.

With regards to social skills and children, there is research highlighting the impact of excessive screen time on attention span, being able to delay gratification (basically wait for things as most things in screen world are instant), and the ability to read nonverbal cues and nuances in face-to-face social interactions. These are critical skills for children to develop to get what they need from their ever-changing environment; connection, attachment and attention.

So. Do I advocate for a totally tech free childhood?No. A totally tech free childhood comes at a cost too. A child may not be unhappy with what they don’t know they are missing out on. But they won’t necessarily learn the skills the current environment expects from them including digital literacy. I’m reminded of the M N Shyamalan’s movie “The Village” where villagers are happy in their little “safe” bubble, but are totally unprepared for real life.

The lure of screens...In order to weigh up the pros and cons of screen time, it also helps to understand why we are drawn to screens.

There is a powerful neurotransmitter in our brain called dopamine which is released when we see something novel – it is also involved in our brain’s reward pathways and indicated in addiction.

In truth we spend so much time connected to screens because we find it gratifying and enjoyable. Humans also crave connection as we are social animals. Screens provide instant connection and reward. However, screen use is not the only way in which this should be experienced.

Excessive internet use and screen time could come at the cost of other slower-paced experiences and being present in the moment with others. These are also known to be crucial for our social development, mental health and well being. So. What can we do?

Mentor rather than Monitor: It’s not as simple as providing an exact period of time for parents to enforce. Screen use, and our teaching of it as parents isn’t a passive process. We have to actively promote a mindful rather than mindless use of technology. We need to teach our children how to use the internet safely and respectfully of others while also developing the critical skill of self-awareness. If our children are self-aware they are more able to know when something is wrong. This means they are more protected against cyber-bullying or indeed self-monitoring their own screen time use and whether this is to the detriment of other activities and experiences.

It can be helpful to build in trust milestones around their usage which is based on maturity rather than chronological age. Just because a child is of a certain age, does not mean they are ready for different aspects of screen time.

Alongside these strategies, teaching our children how to delay gratification and enjoy the small things in life is important. It’s about giving them a well rounded childhood. For time spent on screens, there should also be time spent playing outside, riding their bikes and being bored so they can develop imaginative play.

With the world becoming more interconnected and instant the internet can perpetuate a sense of increased individualism, so we need to teach our children how make reflective, right and ethical choices not just for themselves but for the good of others. I don’t think it’s hyperbolic to say perhaps the future for a harmonious humanity depends on it!

Modelling appropriate balance in screen time. It’s maybe an uncomfortable exercise, but reflect on your own screen use and ensure the beep of your device doesn’t cut short your own social interactions. Think how differently you parent when you are distracted! A recent study in 2016 showed that 70% of the kids surveyed felt their parents used social media too much.​

If your get tantrums and meltdowns when asking your child to come off their screen, one really helpful strategy is to use the is the:

build abridge technique

​Next time that they are in the zombie zone sit next to them and engage them in conversation about what they are doing to help their brain to transition from screen world to real world.

​So how much screen time for children?The simple answer: not much and none for children under two. The experts suggest that babies and toddlers are kept away from all screens. Screens aren’t really needed for the brain development of very young children under two. They get their needs met through social connection with other loving human beings.

Children aged 2-5 years should have no more than an hour of non-structured leisure-based screen time hour a day.

The American Academy of Paediatrics goes on to recommend that parents of two- to five-year-old children:

select high-quality programs

watch videos with their child

talk with their child while watching videos

connect what their child sees to their everyday experiences.

Lastly, children aged 5-18 years should have no more than two hours a day. I understand that’s a tough call for teenagers, especially with homework often requiring computer time. But remember that the real issue is non-educational, leisure screen time, so you may want to discount homework screen time.

Parents should be able to decide if these guidelines are too harsh, and allow some screen time flexibility, but not caring at all about the amount of time your children spend in front of screens, especially when we have no clear evidence on the impact -good or bad - could be risky.

We need also to remember like anything else screen time for fun should potentially be seen as a privilege rather than a right. Education is a right, an extra half an hour browsing through YouTube or building a minecraft village is a privilege.

So what does all this mean?I agree with Ellis Cashmore, that we would question a parent who totally restricted their child’s access to books, toys or interacting with other children, so why totally restrict the internet?

However, as much as the internet provides an amazing learning resource, children also need to have a space to make their own fun and learning using their own imagination. It’s a skill I think children really need, because we live in such a hyper-connected environment. This is especially important regarding the way in which our brain responds to screens and the internet and how this can potentially be at the cost of engagement with other experiences.

Children need time to disconnect and be children and let their little brains catch up with themselves.

The internet and screens are a way of life but so is playing in the mud and climbing trees – and all have a vital part to play in the skills today’s children need for a successful tomorrow.

The key takeaway from this topic is to try and ensure balance, knowing that excessive screen time can come at a cost. There are many ways in which we can connect and learn, the internet and screens are a simply one of these ways, not the only way.

The internet is just a thing, it’s how we use it, or let it use us, that is perhaps most important.

Bullying in Schools

Earlier this week I was interviewed on The AM show about bullying in New Zealand schools. The topic is huge and has widespread implications for not just our tamariki, but our family wellbeing and the culture of our schools. It’s a big topic and 3 minutes barely scratches the surface, so I have written a blog to expand on the topics we touched on during the interview.

In 2017 the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development - or the OECD - published a report on student well being. The report highlighted that New Zealand has the second highest rate of student reports of bullying across the 34 countries that took part.

This rate was 26.1 %, meaning over a quarter of our children will experience some degree of physical or psychological bullying during their school years. The OECD average was 18.7%. It is still alarmingly high, but nearly 10% lower than the New Zealand figure. Other first world countries including Canada, the US, Australia and the UK all have lower levels of reported bullying.

This is not just problematic for the person being bullied. Bullying has profound consequences for everybody involved; those who are perpetrators, those who are bullied and those who witness it. Given the current figures, there will be no child in New Zealand who hasn’t been exposed to some element of bullying during their schooling.

So, what is bullying?

Bullying can take on many forms and common examples of bullying include:

Being made fun of

Being left out of activities or experiences

Having nasty rumours spread about a child

Being hit or pushed

Cyberbullying

Ultimately, the act of bullying is a use of power or dominance against another. As I mentioned on the AM show, it is a normal part of child development to experiment with power and dominance, however it can sometimes go a bit wrong and a line can be crossed. There is a line between banter and bullying.

Bullying also involves a repetition of the behaviour including threats of repetition that are designed to coerce, dominate or intimidate through fear.

Bullying targets our biggest need as a human, social connection. The impact of bullying damages our self-esteem and stops us from us from reaching our true potential by making us feel worthless and ashamed.

So, why do people bully?

To begin to tackle the issue of bullying it can be helpful to ask why people bully in the first place. Understanding the different circumstances that lead to bullying can help us to create a wide range of strategies to combat it within a school environment. ​​There are several key reasons that might cause a child to bully another child;

The culture of the school doesn’t focus enough on wellbeing – humans habituate to the environment they are in. If the school culture isn’t consciously celebrating diversity or promoting acceptance of a range of views, it can be easily to target kids who fall outside of this accepted norm. There is so much research from the field of social psychology that shows humans tend to follow the set culture (you can google Milgram or Asch or Zimbardo if you are interested).

All children go through normal developmental stages where they experiment with control and dominance. When a child bullies another child, it can be that this stage has become misguided. Gentle guidance away from hurtful language or descriptions of others before the repetitive nature of bullying can be established can help stop this developmental stage becoming habitual.

Sometimes bullying is itself a preventative measure. A child may have been bullied or have seen bullying and are worried about being bullied themselves; For instance, “if I become the bully I’ll be safe from bullying”

Children who display bullying behaviour are more likely to have experienced stress or trauma.

As we have seen with school culture impacting bullying behaviour, home environments have a significant impact, too. Children who bully have often not been modelled kind, respectful and accepting behaviour at home.

So, what can we do in schools?

​The adage “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is particularly apt for the issue of bullying. A culture shift needs to happen. What we can glean from the OECD report on bullying is that countries that scored the lowest - such as the Netherlands with a figure of 9.3% - also tended to have a greater focus on wellbeing and belonging in schools.

One place we can start to impact our national bullying rate is to look at the culture of our schools. Schools that actively value and model inclusivity, belonging and student wellbeing alongside academics and sporting achievements tend to have lower levels of bullying.

If you are unsure about the culture of your child’s school, ask to see their anti-bullying policy and their wellbeing policy. If you are unhappy with how your school appears to deal with bullying, offer feedback and suggestions to help cultivate a proactive relationship between the school, families and pupils. Chances are if you’re unhappy there will be other families in a similar boat. Often it’s just starting the conversation that is needed.

If you are happy with your schools anti-bullying policy, reinforce the same rules and values at home.

So, What can we do as parents?

​I don’t think there is a parent in New Zealand who isn’t worried about bullying. It’s hard enough supporting children with their academic, sporting and social activities without adding the worry of friendship connections and the corrosive threat of bullying. As I have stated, the best approach to bullying is to take preventative measures with your children, rather than waiting until they are involved in bullying.

Start by having an open conversation with your children about respect and kindness. Reinforce family and school values that differences should be met with tolerance and an open mind. We need to go then further than just talking about it. We need to model it to our kids as well.

Teach children self-advocacy skills such as scripts to say if they feel someone has been unkind to them. Such as ‘I don’t like that’, ‘that wasn’t very kind’ or ‘back off’. You can also teach them several options to use when they are in a situation where they feel threatened. They could use their script, they can walk away, and they can tell a person they trust.

Finding and cultivating a relationship of trust with a key person in school is important. When your child feels comfortable and safe with someone, they can go to them if they see or are the target of bullying. One powerful strategy that also goes a long way in changing the culture of a school is to teach your child to be an upstander instead of a bystander, which is how to intervene safely when they see a bullying incident. An example of this strategy is a school in Melbourne where pupils were supported to call out incidents of racist or homophobic language. In this case, bullying decreased dramatically. It simply wasn’t tolerated within the culture of the school.

Teach your child to look out for targets of bullying or situations where bullying could occur. If a child is sitting on their own, teach your child to befriend them or invite them to play with their group of friends. You can introduce them to this idea by showing them www.sitwithus.io a mobile app which helps connect ‘sit with us’ ambassadors in schools with children who are on their own.

Bullying can follow a child home from school because of the internet and social media. Foster an open device use policy at home and connect with your kids about what is OK and when and how to share when they feel uncomfortable.

It is really important to not label a child with either the word bully or victim. It is far more effective to talk about the behaviour not the person. If a child is labelled as something, this then becomes part of who they are rather than what they do and becomes more fixed and more difficult to change. Sometimes the the only difference between bullying or being bullied is a matter of circumstances.

What if your child tells you they are being a target of bullying?

​This can be every parent’s worst nightmare, however it’s important to stay calm and reassure your child they have done the right thing by talking with you.

Try not to get involved in any retaliation, instead report the suspected bullying to the school who should treat your concerns seriously while offering support to all parties involved.

Your school should communicate with you, stating the incident will be investigated and reassure you that you will get a response once more details are known. Going through the school channel allows you to effectively advocate for your child and involve the police if it’s appropriate.

If you raise concerns with your child’s school and these steps aren’t taken you can contact the Ministry of Education or the Office of the Children’s Commissioner.

How do you know if your child is being bullied?

Some children may not report that they are being bullied. If you are worried your child is being bullied, signs to look out for include:

changes in temperament - especially angry outbursts

being anxious or nervous about going to school

saying they have no friends to play with

if they’ve become more withdrawn or submissive

if they have unexplained bruises

What if it is your child is bullying another child?

As I have mentioned, there are also serious implications for those doing the bullying. If your child is bullying another child they will also need a huge amount of love and support.

It’s important not to overreact. If you shame or berate your child too much about their behaviour they will start to identify as the victim and not be able to hold empathy for the person they hurt.

You should seek help from the school to address the issue. It’s vital to face the issue proactively. It helps to model to your child/ren that this is unacceptable in your family, but you will help them to make amends.

If you can, approach the other child’s parents. If appropriate, arrange a play date that is attended by a parent of each family so you can model expectations, allow the children to learn about each other positively and let them know that you talk to each other!

Emphasise and model fair treatment of others and remind your child when they have also done so in the past, so they can connect with these skills.

Help to develop their emotional skills and look at building up empathy for the person they are targeting. A key exercise could be to try and get your child to explain how they might feel if roles were reversed. Helping them to write a letter of apology also helps to build empathy and remorse.

Teach your child appropriate social skills – children experiment with dominance and power as part of their normal development. If you can see this is going too far then teach them more appropriate ways to feel powerful by giving them roles of responsibility.

Have consequences in place – ones that are logical to the behaviour are best – Apologising, making amends and ultimately a loss of social privileges (or device). For example, “if you can’t show respectful behaviours to others then you can’t be around others”.

Lastly, restorative rather than punitive approaches to discipline are far more effective at correcting socially negative behaviour. These should focus on repairing harm to the other person while acting as an opportunity for reflection and education rather than punishment.

Further information:

Remember, it is a difficult issue to navigate with children and as a parent it’s easy to feel out of our depth, or to let our own emotions or concerns impede the process. To help, I’ve listed some excellent resources to help you:-

General:

Cyberbullying.co.nz

Netsafe

Bullyingfreenz

Education.govt.nz website

Educators:

NZIWR.co.nz (The New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing and Resilience)

The Kia Kaha program through the police

Individual support:

Kidzline.org.nz

Psychological support from a registered and experienced psychologist who can work with your child, the family and the school

If you have any concerns or queries, you can contact me at: emma@thechildpsychologyservice.co.nz

Teen and Childhood Anxiety - An Interview with The NZ Listener

Everyone experiences anxiety - it serves a very real evolutionary purpose. But for some anxiety can begin to have a detrimental impact that begins limit their opportunities and engagement with others. I see lots of children and teenagers with anxiety so was more than happy to speak with the NZ Listener about this very important topic.You can read the full interview part of the article here.

My Tips and Advice Toolbox

As some of you know I have a great interest supporting children and young adults to develop resilience building strategies to enable them to thrive in a fast-paced and ever changing societal landscape. In fact I would say that this is a mainstay of my work. I love taking research from neuroscience and psychology and translating that into practical and fun strategies for children to use in their everyday lives. ​I shared some of these tips with The NZ Listener.​You can read my expert tips part of the interview here.

Your Thoughts?

I'd love to hear your thoughts or comments about the article, or indeed your thoughts on this topic. Please remember that this is a public forum and be mindful about what you share.​​If you would like more personal advice on this topic feel free to contact me here.

Levels of anxiety and depression among children and adolescents are rising. Pressures from school, peers and social media can become quickly overwhelming. One of the best ways to support children and adolescents to be resilient to these pressures is by teaching them the coping strategies to deal with them.

A common factor in both anxiety and depression is what psychologists call 'a negative explanatory style'. This is essentially the story we tell ourselves to explain any event we experience. People with a negative explanatory style tend to own failure and attribute success to luck. The more negative the explanation we give ourselves the more likely we are to be suffering from anxiety or depression.

Children and teenagers tend to have very 'black or white' thinking. This is totally normal due to their stage of brain development. However, if we are not mindful of the stories they are telling themselves about themselves this can become an issue, especially as negativity feeds negativity.

Luckily positivity feeds positivity too, and it is by using this we can support our kids to develop more healthy and realistic explanatory styles. Essentially we can teach our kids strategies to challenge their thinking, train them to gain some perspective and essentially 'learn optimism'. One way of doing this is through teaching them the 3P's (Seligman).

The 3 P's stand for Pervasiveness, Permanence and Personalisation.

Pervasiveness looks at how much of your life a concern impacts - How big?

Permanence looks at how long an issue is going to be of concern - How long?

Personalisation looks at how much you feel you are to blame - How much?

In terms of the 3Ps a negative explanatory style would like something like this:- "It is a massive issue that will affect my life for ever and it is all my fault" (you might recognise this from something you might hear your child say!).

Imagine your child comes home and has had a falling out with their school friends. The negative explanation is "that it has ruined their whole social life, they are never going to have friends again and it is because they are unlikeable".

By using the three 3P's we can help them to reality check their thinking. Although they have fallen out with their school friends they may still have other friendships elsewhere (pervasiveness). By identifying previous times of successful conflict resolution it makes the likelihood of them making friends again seem more possible (permanance), and by helping them to understand what went wrong and what action they might take gives back a sense of control (personalisation).

By teaching a child to look at each issue and use the 3Ps, you are able to support them to develop a more realistic explanation. Using the 3Ps to challenge their thinking (by scoring each P out of 10) gives them both a clear perspective and also a solid view of where best to take action if required.

With practice over time this strategy allows a more rational explanatory style to develop. By using the 3P's you learn how to be more optimistic in your outlook. The more optimistic you are in your outlook, the less likely you are to feel overwhelmed, anxious or depressed.

Try it for yourself and let me know how you get on - it works!

Disclaimer -If you are concerned about your child's mental health, get support. You can talk to the school, talk to your GP and if necessary talk to a psychologist or other mental health professional to get the help that they need in a timely manner.

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​Psychologist Registration Information:To lawfully practise as a psychologist in New Zealand, a practitioner must first be registered with the New Zealand Psychologists Board and must hold a current practising certificate. We hold a current practicing certificate, are registered with and adhere to the practising guidance of the New Zealand Psychologists Board as well the New Zealand Psychological Society. We are also members of the British Psychological Society.