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Journalism about pwnage

(Part 2) Dog “Mines” His Own Business in Fallout: New Vegas

Welcome back to Dog Plays FO:NV, I will be telling you random gurbletext today about stuff I did in games, as usual. You can read the first part here.

SIT YOUR ARSE DOWN!

Heading along the highway for a very short range from Goodsprings, I run into a person outside a broken down van. He says his girl is trapped up by a bunch of geckos in the hill, and he gives me directions to the cliffs, because I didn’t notice them or anything.

Up the cliffs, I’m sneaking along, and I can see a ton of red blips on my radar. Then, [CAUTION] lights up on my HUD, and a bunch of giant geckos go running headfirst into the cliffside. I take my 10mm pistol out and start pumping rounds into pretty much everything, and a few moments later, I continue on, and run into a desk up at the top of the cliff trail.

After looting some ammo and bottlecaps, I see no sign of a girl anywhere, and the dude I was helping comes running up to me.

“Thanks for clearing out the geckos for me, now I can get the stash.”

Then he says something threatening, and then as soon as the dialogue closes, I’m like “mkay no problem *opens V.A.T.S.* STASH THIS BIZIOTCH!!!!” My 10mm pistol goes right up against his head, and starts unloading my newly found ammo into his face. His head explodes all over the rocks, and I loot him.

“Sit your *BROOP* down!” I yell into a computer monitor, because that makes a difference in the universe and all.

I see a town with a roller-coaster off in the distance, so I head further into the wastelands.

It’s not long before I run into some Powder Gangers, and they start shooting at me for no reason. Pfft, not like I slow-mo blew their leader’s legs off or anything.

I pull out my varmint rifle and return fire. I go mostly for the headshots, because I’m a gamer, and a pro one at that. As I’m using some rocks for cover, though, my character Hondo seems keen on shooting the rocks instead, so I manually pop their heads off. I’m much more accurate anyways.

BROAD MACHETE SAMURAI

an indeterminate amount of time later, after many sips from my Trusty Vault 13 Canteen, I pass through Primm, and am warned by an NCR trooper about the dangerous escaped convicts. Little does he know I have 22 dynamite sticks in my pocket, mostly from those so called dangerous escaped convicts.

I just continue along the highway, as I don’t feel like fighting through a city of Powder Gangers right now.

I see a rest stop off in the distance, with some raiders fighting radscorpions. The radscorpions are killed, and I stay crouched on top of a small incline on the highway, a distance from them. I put the sights of my rifle over a raider who is in the middle of the highway, as V.A.T.S. currently won’t do me any good from this range.

KCHOW KCHOW KCHOW KCHOW KCHOW! The raider has no idea WTF is going on, except that her her arm just got blown off, and she starts running towards the rest stop.

I reload another magazine, and start unloading it her way. She drops dead, and her buddies come to look, but they come under fire as I’m dropping them with my rifle True Grit-style. One dude runs around behind the car, and I pull my broad machete out and charge down the highway towards him.

Flying around the car, he turns around just in time to see me sushi-chef his flippin’ face. I promptly loot everyone for their bottlecaps and ammo. I pull my trust 10mm pistol out again, and head inside.

As soon as I come through the door, I’m under fire by more bronies. If I recall correctly, I believe one of the people there was carrying a 9mm SMG and she was using it on me. I shoot her a few times in the arm for good measure, and then twice in the head. I lay my bullets into her boyfriend there, and then loot them.

On the radar I see a ton of red blips. I triangulate (spam side strafe back and forth to see what range something is at) one of these blips to just behind a bathroom door. Walking up to it, I hear a mantis explode. Did I just noclip stomp a mantis? On the other side of the door is a bathroom with a first aid box, which I loot.

Sneaking along, I find a bunch of mantises and a dead dude in a cage cell. I dispatch the mantises and go inside, and find a Sunset Sarsaparilla star bottlecap.

RADSCORPION KING

Back outisde in the afternoon sun, there is a few building ruins in view down the road. I run over, and find that there are some more dudes who are shooting at me, and this time I take a beating while trying to take cover.

One of them just decides to run around my cover anyways, so I pop some bullets into his face for being a tactical prick. Then his buddies come around, one trying to punch me with a power fist, the other trying to shoot me with a shotgun.

I have to poke my eyes out with stimpacks, ’cause I’m sucking. Machete comes out to save the day, and start chopping into the first Power Ranger’s neck. The other DotA player gets a brunch buffet sundae surprise full of metal bullets (as opposed to not metal bullets, such as cardboard ones) and her head explodes.

Just further up the highway, I hear laser fire. I sneak up a small dune to see what’s going on, and right as I do that, four giant geckos come hauling Doritos over the dune right at me. I panic and start running the other way, sprayin’ and prayin’ like a pro noob. I’m not a noob though, just for today I am. Because of what is about to happen to my biscotti.

I kill one, and then V.A.T.S. and shoot another in the head. Then, I run out of ammo.

Varmint rifle comes out, and I’m pumping rounds into the other geckos, and then a huge-arse scorpion comes onto the side of my screen, and he’s got his rape face on.

BUNNYHOP FOR YO LIFE BRONY!!!

Laser pistol comes out once my metal rounds have all depleted, and I’m pew pew pew pewing for my life.

Yes, I start trying to time bunnyhops to avoid his giant bulgy black toothpick tail stinger of whoop-arse. It doesn’t work once he gets really close, and while my laser energy cylinder things have run out and I’m macheteing the fluff out of it, he BOOM! HEADSHOTS my head with his stinger, and I plop my face into the sand, with very low health, i.e. none, i.e. I just got butter*bleep*ed.

No worries, I quicksaved right before looking over the dune!

The game quickloads to right as the battalion of geckos comes waddle-sprinting over the dune, and stuff pretty much happens the same way, radscorp and all.

This time, I drink sarsaparilla and start running straight up the road, trying to go around the radscorps. I put my gun away and just book it up the incline of the road, towards two statues hand-shaking for whatever reason at the top. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

A gecko catches me, and I machete-hibachi his head, leading to it popping off very juicily. I then Han Solo laser pistol another one, and it disintegrates into the ash pile from Oblivion. I am stuffing stimpaks up my nostrils as some more scorpions jump me, and my dynamite is down the hill which then blows some critters up. Jumping in a truck, my pistol is on full pew-pew as I kill the smaller scorpions.

The other critters finally seem to lose interest, and I keep running up the hill, towards the statues of a GameStop employee handing over a Runes of Magic card or whatever they’re about

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