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Thursday, July 01, 2010

Heidi's advice on Staying Married for 19 Years

Yep. Nineteen years of wedded bliss! "Bliss" here includes a heated argument here and there (we really don't argue much), tons of laughing and a whole lot of leaning on each other when necessary. I can honestly say it's all been worth it. Feels good to be able to say that I made the best decision of my life when I was nineteen years old. (A year later, at 20 & 22, we were married in the park.)

Of course it ain't easy though.

And, of course, I'm going to share my expertise.

1) Ladies. Listen to me. And remember this, because it is the most important thing to know. Ready?

He can't read your mind.

Do not expect him to "just know" what you're thinking, or what your problem is. He can't even begin to guess. Don't make him guess. No, he should not be able to figure it out. Not only is it unfair to him, it's unfair to yourself.

2) Be honest. Tell him the truth! He's a man; he can take it. I mean, you can soften it a little but no guessing games (see #1) and have the guts to tell the truth!

Example: the most evil lie women tell. It is the most heinous lie because it comes off so innocent, so insignificant, but years of telling this lie can do so much damage. Here is the horrible lie...

It's fine.

Fine, my ass, it's not fine and you know it's not! You say it's fine, and the male mind goes, "Oh, she says it's fine and that means it's fine" and he goes on with his day. What else did you expect? (See #1)

Other vicious lies include, "Oh nothing," as well as "Never mind." It takes time to be honest but it's worth it.

3) Don't tear him down. Build him up. Sure it's easy to tell him about all his flaws and all the stuff you want him to improve. Keep in mind he'll get sick of that pretty quick. We all know most of us women end up seeing marriage as an ongoing Husband Improvement Project but you married a man, not a project. There has to be a focus on all the good stuff he's got going on too.

4) Get your reward system the right way around. Let's have none of this crap where you make promises for jobs done. Just dish out the rewards as much as possible - hey, it's your reward, too! - and then say things like, "Hey honey, you know what I think is really hot? I loooove it when a man vacuums the living room rug. Oooh that is sexy."

9 comments:

Happy anniversary! I keep forgetting that you were only 19. You were so young...we all were, but we thought that we were soo grown up then :) I never doubted for one moment that you would be together forever. I do like your advice. I am always saying 'it's fine' and then getting angry, cuz, HEY, it really isn't!

Great post! Congrats!I'd add "stay playful". My hubs pantsed me last week and made me laugh my butt off. TOTALLY agree on the they are not mind readers stuff. Not as intuitive as women either. You didn't marry a chick!

When I asked my SIL how she and my brother stayed married happily for so long, she basically gave me the same #1 advice. She said that in the first year, she almost divorced him, but he finally told her 'honey, I CAN NOT read your mind! If you want something, or want me to do something, SPEAK UP! otherwise, I'll just go about my business and you'll be mad." Best advice I've ever gotten.

Yours is pretty good too. Men LIKE being built up, not torn down. If all you do is find the faults, you'll be unhappy. Look for the good and comment on that. Nobody likes a nag.

Congratulations on making it work for so long. Of course, the wise old woman here notes that you are still cute and skinny, which helps a heck of a lot. An attractive woman has a LOT better chance of keeping a man than an unattractive woman does.But I like your mind-reading advice. It's true, but you made me laugh.Here's to another 19 -- or 49 -- years!!!You rock, woman!

I'm finally back and just seeing the new blog look and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! Yay for the gorgeous pink!!

And I LOVE this post!! Congrats on the longevity and the love that grows over time instead of diminishes. You two are an inspiration!

The advice is great. I just had my "It isn't fine" moment this week. So funny to say what was wrong out loud and have him look at me like I was an alien and say, "Really? That's what you thought??" And I said, "Really?? You didn't know that's what I thought??"

So yeah... great advice.

And I like my man pretty much too. It's a good life, even when it's not.

About Me

I ride, I read, I write. I share my life with a husband, two teenagers, a Pug, a scary house cat, and three horses. Pink is my favourite colour. I used to hate it but then my brain got rearranged and now I like it so much I sometimes dye my hair pink. I'm slightly crazy and I believe we should all stop saying crazy like it's a bad thing. I write novels - like as in, I start them and actually finish them - and I fully intend to be a published author. I teach people how to ride horses for a living, and I love my job! All I ever wanted to do was ride my ponies and write my stories. Hey, that's what I do! Lucky, lucky me. Join me for horses, trucks, Johnny Depp, antidepressants, beer, trashy pop culture, interior desecrating, Jesus, John Deere, and rock stars. Yeeaahhh! We'll laugh and cry, it'll be fun, c'mon.