15 September 2015

LIFE AUDIT

Sorry guys, but I'm coming at you with another one of those posts again. You probably know the type because I have been coming at you with them a fair bit recently (in between broken computers that is!).

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm in a funny old place at the moment...a weird just-slightly-over-quarter-life-crisis perhaps, or just a natural stage of change. That is not why I haven't been posting here, we all know that is tech-related, but I must admit to feeling a bit at a loss for words in my head. Does anyone else get like that from time to time? It is like I have reached a capacity in my mind and there is no room for anything more until something else disappears.

Most of you guys will know that I am working on a small business on the side of everything else and that has certainly taken its toll, but in a really good way (on a side note to that I will be telling you guys about that before Christmas has come around, not because it is ready to launch but because I want to have the motivation/ownership that comes with telling people!). But, other than my poor dwindling brain being full of ideas, tiredness and a gazillion thoughts that come with setting up your own thing, I have been pondering a whole lot of 'stuff' when it comes to the world of blogging. I kind of touched on it before in a YouTube video and I am still in that place now. I just feel like I don't quite know where I fit. I'm not even sure that makes sense. Hopefully it does.

I have always adored blogging and the creative outlet that comes with it, and I certainly have no thoughts of stopping any time soon, but I felt like I needed to step back to see the wood for the trees. My very nature means that I am an obsessive self-assessor. I both love this and hate this about myself all at once. Recently I have realised that I am always trying to do what I think I should be doing because I don't want to upset anyone (or offend, because I really have the potential to offend with my stupid opinions...I have a lot of those...so I'm told!). Constant worry about saying something that may bore someone or not be of interest to someone has rendered me kind of paralysed, creatively speaking. On top of that, my life has been purely about work and, therefore, not about me popping out to some beautiful location to photograph life.

I wish, more than anything, that I had more time to do all the things I have written, in all the notebooks I own, to do with blog posts I intend to write: visit such-and-such a place, film a vlog about bla-de-bla or whatever, but life just has not been that way of late.

In August we lost a dear family friend. Out of nowhere he was snatched away. That rendered me numb as hell for a long time. Life's perspective shifted, and suddenly I thought 'okay, so I can't blog right now...that's alright' and, you know what, it was alright. With that, and all the other crap that has been happening, I have been getting more and more frustrated by some of the stuff I have previously loved on-line, specifically YouTube related things. I went on a huge un-subscribing marathon the other week as I feel, and this is just my opinion, that certain channels have gotten rather shallow in their efforts. The editing is stunning, and it cannot be said that many, many hours have gone into the videos, but with all of that they have lost something that attracts me to want to watch. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is, maybe integrity is not the right word, but it is all I have for now! This made me lose my place within my own channel. I felt not good enough, and that is not what I wanted, or needed, to feel. I am mostly over that now in that I am totally okay with the fact that I cannot afford a proper camera and that I will never look illuminated from within by amazing lighting. I am real, I am doing this and earning no money from it because I love it and I adore all you guys, truly.

Something that struck a chord with me recently, on some podcast or another (I listen to a load) was when someone said 'you want to attract or repel someone (from your site) as quickly as possible' - it sounds harsh huh? But who wants a diluted version of life? I know that I don't. I don't want an airbrushed one either. So, if you fancy sticking with me, then I would love that. There will still be the occasional beauty video/post, because, after all, I bloody love beauty, but I may suddenly post something totally random too. Let's see shall we?