This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i stuck my foot in my mouth

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I realize that I have gotten away from my original premise of this blog which was storytelling. So, I’ve decided to tell you a tale of one of my original misadventures at International Paper Company. I’ve already told you that I got the job at IP by meeting the Senior Vice-President of Technology at a Chinese restaurant on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.

After several interviews with various and sundry people, I landed a sweet job on the 36th floor of the International Paper Company building. This building had been designed by some famous interior designer and it was incredibly beautiful on the inside. Besides having the “worlds’ foremost collection of paper art,” it was decorated in a modern style with bright colors. The Michael J. Fox movie, “The Secret of my Success” was actually filmed upstairs in the executive suites. They were breathtaking and I should know, I actually spent quite a bit of time up there. How’s that you say? I’d tell you but right now I’m imparting the beginnings of my career as a Consultant in The Information Center of IP. So I landed the job and I shared an office with someone named Beth. Beth was 30 and at the time, I thought she was old (I was only 23.) Looking back on it now, it seems surreal that I could have thought that. At any rate, the job was awesome, Beth was incredible, the pay was excellent and the people were obviously patient as I managed to hold down the job for four years and not get fired. As you learn more about me, you will see that this is no small task as Kevin claims that I am “unemployable.” But I digress…

After getting the job, I had to go to human resources where they review all this crap with you and make you watch a videotape on “What is IP?” “What does IP make?” “Who’s Who in IP?” … you know, all the crap they want you to know. So I watch it and there begins my incredible career at IP. I started my job in mid November which was a bummer because for the first time in my life, I couldn’t go home to be with my family at Thanksgiving because even though I had worked there two weeks, I hadn’t yet accumulated any vacation days. (I know, I know. I didn’t think it was fair either!)

So things were going well. I was working at IP, my office had a view of Avenue of the Americas, I was living on the Upper East Side, I had bought fabulous business attire and I was starting to make friends. I even had my very first business card! I was working in the headquarters of IP and they had thousands of employees and every year at Christmas they rented out the huge ballroom in the New York Hilton and had a gigantic Christmas Party. It was subsidized (like everything was back then and trust me, that’s a pretty sweet thing) and it only costs $10 per person for an open bar, sit down dinner and ballroom dancing. A couple of guys I had met asked me to come along and I was only too happy to do so. I didn’t know very many people in New York and I loved a good party.

We arrived and began slamming down vodka tonics (or at least I did because I hadn’t yet realized that you don’t do that shit at a business function) and I was feeling PRETTY DAMN GOOD about things. I was at the bar getting another drink when some Random Guy started talking to me.

RANDOM GUY: “So, how are you today?”

Me: “I’m excellent, how are you?”

RANDOM GUY: “I’m excellent as well. Are you enjoying the party?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s awesome. It’s a pretty sweet set-up.”

RANDOM GUY: “So, do you work for IP?”

Me: “Yep, just got a job here recently.”

RANDOM GUY: “…and what do you do?”

Me: “I work in the Information Center”

RANDOM GUY: “What’s that and where is it located?”

Me “It’s on the 36th floor. It’s a new place to help people learn how to use personal computers and the like. We’re kinda like guinea pigs trying to stay ahead of the curve and teach people about new technology.”

RANDOM GUY: “Well, that sounds interesting… what’s your name?”

Me: “Lynn Procton, what’s yours?”

RANDOM GUY: “Georges, John Georges”

Me: “hmmm….that sounds familiar, where do you work?”

RANDOM GUY: “I work on the 44th floor.”

Me: (I’m thinking here…44th floor … long pause)
“Aren’t there only 44 floors in the building?”

RANDOM GUY: “Yes Lynn, there ARE only 44 floors in the building.”

Me: (mumbling…Georges, John Georges) (epiphany!!)
“Holy shit, you’re the Chairman of the Board!!!”

RANDOM GUY: “Yes Lynn, I am. It’s good to meet you. Why don’t you have another drink?”

HAHAHA. So that’s it. That’s how I met the Chairman of the Board. It was an incredible first impression as you can imagine and I still laugh about it to this day. I’d like to say that this was the only time I stuck my foot in my mouth at IP but that would be a lie. John Georges and I never became best buds but I did meet and befriend plenty of the other executives. What’s that you say? You want me to tell those tales? Oh, I will, but that’s a story for another day…