this is just my tendency

therefore, i've thought a lot about parenting, and what kind of parent i want to be. what kind of child{ren} i want to raise, and how the heck we can all get there.

so, all of the above has me thinking about not just what kind of parent i am and want to be, but who i am, and who i want to be. because kids are intuitive. i cannot just "want to be" one way as a parent, and assume things will happen that way if that parenting philosophy is counter to who i am as a person, or how i'm actually living my life.

all of this [and a few other things] took me back to honors chemistry with miss vrable. miss vrable taught us about entropy, and that [in short] everything descends from order to chaos. or, that when things are left alone their natural tendency is to go from order to disorder. and i've been thinking about that in the context of my life.

if i do not set goals, and parameters to help me reach those goals, i'm in deep yogurt.

it's all well and good for me to say:
"i want to workout five times a week, with at least three cardio sessions. i want to spend time in scripture daily. i want to continue to learn, and be open-minded about hearing the opinions of others. i want to model good character to my son. i want to write daily. i want to keep my house relatively neat and clean. i want to stay creative. i want to prepare good meals for my family. i want to travel. i want to try new things...."

on and on the list goes. there are many things i would like in life. i have a rather long list. however, if i just sit here and say that i want these things, but i do nothing to pursue them - i don't set my priorities, and find ways to actively keep them my priorities - i will tend toward disorder. i will tend toward chaos. and i will not accomplish those things i would "like" to do.

reading this book, and thinking through some parts of my life have led me to realize that i say certain things are important to me, and i say i want certain things, but how i'm living doesn't quite line up with all of those things.

i have to take responsibility for my life without believing the illusion that i have complete control over what happens. make no mistake. God IS in control. but he also calls us to live in a way that glorifies him.

my tendency is to be lazy. i feel better when i work out, but if i do not build that into my life, i won't do it. i am energized when i eat well, and when i'm learning new things, but if i don't make an effort to do those things, they don't happen.

i tend toward chaos.

i don't remember who said this, nor do i remember the quote verbatim, but peter read this somewhere -- the idea is essentially that if you do not set your own goals, you are bound to achieve someone else's goals.

i find this out every time i sit down at my computer without a specific reason. and every time i go to the mall, or to target just to "look". in the latter case i inevitably buy things i end up wanting, even though i didn't know they existed mere minutes earlier.

i waste unbelievable amounts of time by chasing rabbit trails that don't really matter, and have nothing to do with anything.

don't get me wrong. sometimes rabbit trails are helpful. sometimes getting lost in a task [finding flow] is a God-given blessing, and is part of using the gifts within you. yes, unexpected events will happen that will change the trajectory of your minutes, days, sometimes your life; and the importance of adaptability cannot be overstated. but the importance of regularly and purposefully reevaluating, and resetting cannot be overstated either.

if i try to plan every minute of my life, i end up tired and worn. life needs balance, but how often do i move through life simply letting it happen to me instead of living a purposeful existence?