Movie Reviews

Recently several people said to me that while they enjoyed my movie reviews, it seems as if they are all negative. “Don’t you like anything?” one guy asked me. “Yes: slow, wet kisses,” I said. But the guy was a federal judge, and my answer just seemed to creep him out.

In fairness, my reputation is somewhat deserved. I have made negative comments about a number of movies. For example, I called Citizen Kane a “dreadful abomination.” Then there were other reviews: Casablanca–“Atrocious to the point of Atrocity;” Gone with the Wind–“Crap on Celluloid;” Schindler’s List–“A Holocaust about the holocaust;” The English Patient–“I spent three hours praying to die;” The Greatest Story Ever Told–“The worst story ever told;” etc.

And it’s not just movies. My reviews have included the following comments about the following subjects: Betsy Ross–“A bloated, pickle-assed windbag;” Sexual Ecstasy–“What a friggin nightmare;” Foods I really liked–“I really hated them;” Good News–“Bad News.” I gave Nancy Kerrigan “Zero Stars” at the Olympics and referred to Tiger Woods as “Loser Boy.”

So what do I like in movies? Well, if you plan to make a movie, here is a primer on how to get a positive review from me:

Put me in nude scenes–You don’t even have to include them in the movie. By the way, as a scene partner, I prefer Britney Spears to Ed Asner. And I prefer Ed Asner to Carne Wilson.

Depth Depth Depth–I prefer a detailed study of one topic to a superficial look at many. For example, I have yet to see a really good four hour movie about Mexican Food.

A good soundtrack–Music can make a movie. Imagine how much better Schindler’s List would have been with a few Wang Chung tunes in the background.

Don’t rehash old topics–Keep it fresh. For example, if you are going to make a disease movie, we’ve seen enough cancer and bulimia. How about a good acne movie. Or maybe something like “The Elephantitis Boy.” The great thing about nonfatal diseases is that it leaves the door wide open to sequels. You could have “The Elephantitis Boy 2, and ya know what, he’s still got Elephantitis!!!”

A surprise ending–So many movies are so predictable. Surprise me! For example, wouldn’t “Forest Gump” have meant so much more if Jenny turned into a Buffalo? “My Dinner with Andre” would have really perked if it were “My Dinner with Andre the Giant,”–and what movie couldn’t do with more termites?

Be creative in your casting–Another predictable aspect of most of today’s movies is their casting. If we see an action movie, we are not surprised to see Arnold or Bruce or Sylvester…but what if you cast Danny? That’s right, Danny Bonaduce!! Now that’s someone I’d like to see leaping from buildings with gun’s blazing. Whatever the movie, just cast against Type. Make “Spice Girls” with Danny Devito as “Horny Spice.” Make “Roots” with all white people!! If you must use Sylvester Stallone, throw a wig on his ass and make him Golda Meir. Come people, work with me!!!

Use Leprechauns–If all else fails, throw in a bunch of leprechauns. They never fail to liven up a dull movie. Imagine how great “Pretty Woman” would have been with a bunch of Leprechauns running around saying “Blarney” and “Got any weed?” Man, I should direct.