I’ll get this out of the way up front, because as you’ll see later on, it’s important that I do.

1) I am a huge Atlanta Braves fan.
2) As a Missouri alum, I hate the kansas Jayhawks with every fiber of my being.

Moving on…

This past Friday night, kansas guard Elijah Johnson punched Michigan center Mitch McGary square in the dick during an NCAA Tournament game. It was blatant, and it was a cheap shot. Future Hall of Fame baseball player Chipper Jones, presumably watching the game while playing with his favorite post-retirement (non-Playboy model) toy, that being Twitter, saw the play and tweeted about it.

Oh is that how they play basketball at Kansas?? Cheap shot bruh! Don’t mess with another man’s nuggets!

Seems pretty innocuous, right? That’s how Pete Gaines, a former Deadspin writer, described it in his guest article for The Classical yesterday. That article was entitled “Cyberbullied by Chipper.” It was an impressively pathetic, one-sided, and distorted version of the negative interaction that occurred between Chipper and Gaines (and soon after Chipper’s Twitter followers) that Friday evening. This interaction was instigated by Gaines, and its negative tone was all Gaines’ doing as well. Basically what I’m trying to say is that Gaines was being a fucking dick for no reason, or as Gaines described his actions, he was being “uncool.”

The entire thing started when Gaines responded to Chipper’s tweet about the Elijah Johnson cheap shot, a play that clearly deserved derision by anyone who was watching it. Here’s what Gaines tweeted in reply to Chipper:

Chipper Jones of course has never been seriously accused or suspected of doing steroids during his illustrious career in Major League Baseball. Gaines admits this much in his explanatory story. That’s roughly when any sort of rational thinking on Gaines’ part stops. Gaines goes on to point out that the second part of his tweet is based in truth. Obviously there is no denying that Chipper Jones has committed adultery. He banged out a Hooter’s waitress and got her pregnant while he was married to his first wife. You can take the boy out of Florida…

Gaines goes on to essentially argue that because Chipper Jones once cheated on his wife, because it’s a fact (A FACT!) that this happened, it’s completely okay to tweet about, insomuch as its factuality earns it immunity from chastisement. That’s how Gaines’ insistance on pointing out that Chipper Jones’ affair was a documented fact (seriously you guys, A FACT!) sounded to me, anyway. After all, how can you argue with facts? It’s a very logical (and weak) point to insinuate on Gaines’ part.

There is of course no speculation by Gaines as to whether or not bringing up the unfortunate, embarrassing, and painful private business of a stranger, even if Chipper is a famous stranger, is in any way appropriate, whether it’s true or not. There’s no reflection on the old emotions such a reminder might have stirred up, even if only for a moment, say one just long enough to send a tweet or two. Why would Gaines explore that though? It would kill the whole point of his self righteous column.

Here is how Chipper responded to the Gaines tweet:

Damn, didn’t even have to acknowledge the ignorant, balding, overweight dumbass that is @petegaines bfor u guys took care of it. Love y’all!

As you can see, Chipper takes a few cheap shots, exactly like Gaines did. The crack Gaines took the most offense to was obviously the last one, in reference to his fiancee’s weight. For reference, Gaines’ fiancee is in his Twitter avi. Here’s a shot of that:

I’m not here to argue who could have or should have taken the high road. These are both grown ass men here, and neither one acted like it. What I’m here to do is show that Pete Gaines is completely full of shit, and has no right to accuse Chipper Jones of cyberbullying.

I’m confused as to why it is okay to mock Chipper’s failed marriage, but not okay mock the weight of Gaines’ fiancee. True there are differences in the situations. Chipper’s affair is (at least from the public perspective, I don’t pretend to know all the details) the main reason his first marriage deteriorated. While I could probably safely place a bet that Gaines’ fiancee is at least overweight in a medical sense (which is not that difficult to be), she is an innocent bystander in the whole thing, which all other reasoning aside, makes it wrong to bring her into it. Regardless, it’s hardly appropriate for Gaines to take such offense when only moments before he was being as equally personal and petty. So I suppose we know your true colors as well, Pete.

Here is what Gaines claimed happened between he and Chipper, in his Classical column, after his initial “uncool” (see also: petty/sad/annoying/pathetic) tweet was sent:

after Chipper Jones went on an hours-long invective jag against me—my literacy and my jealousy, my height, my (lack of) hair, my weight, the appearance of my fiancée (a professional sportswriter, no less) and my sexuality—is this: Chipper Jones himself has done more, personally and recently, to confirm these second- and third-hand stories about him than I would ever have thought possible.

Here is everything Pete Gaines either exaggerated or lied about in that paragraph:

1) Chipper Jones did not go on an “hours-long invective jag” against Pete Gaines. Chipper sent out three tweets in reference to Pete Gaines. They spanned a little over an hour. This was not an all night shit storm of Chipper Jones hurled cheap shots, as Gaines would have you believe with those misleading words. By the way Pete, you know they timestamp tweets, right?

I assume that Chipper Jones’ followers did most, if not all, of these things. In fact that seems likely. Chipper, however, did none of these things, and Pete Gaines lied about it. I don’t know if Gaines lied because he wants (or more likely needs, that column made him seem very needy) the sympathy of others, or if it’s to further try to trash the reputation of a player he clearly already did not like. It doesn’t really matter though, because as I said, Pete Gaines is a liar.

Gaines told another lie in his column. It is a lie that he claims was the basis for his confrontation with Chipper in the frist place. It was this:

Perhaps I was miffed that Jones’ mere presence happened across my Twitter timeline. I’ve heard stories over the years of Jones’ hypocrisy—that he put on a convincing aw-shucks good-ol’-Christian-boy act for the media and (some) fans, but was what students of the type call a “raging douchebag” the rest of the time. I’ve heard stories of bullying, hypocrisy and all the other things that might be expected of a grown-ass multimillionaire man-child who calls himself “Chipper.”

C’mon, really? You were “miffed” that he appeared on your timeline? If you don’t want him on your timeline then don’t fucking follow him. It’s pretty simple, champ.

The rest of the paragraph is disgusting, because it’s a lie that Gaines absolutely knows he is telling. At least with the previous list of Gaines lies you could make the argument that Chipper was somewhat responsible by thanking his fans via Twitter for supporting him, and not differentiating which support was appreciated and which support was inappropriate. Of course Gaines doesn’t even make THAT distinction, instead claiming that Chipper himself said all those things. Did I mention Pete Gaines is a liar?

What Gaines claims is that the reason he was annoyed at Chipper’s presence on his timeline is because he has heard a lot stories about Chipper being a hypocrite, or Chipper being a “douche.” There are a ton of problems with that justification. First off, let’s entertain the notion that Chipper Jones is a complete and unrepentant douche. So are 90% of the other professional athletes in the world. That certainly wouldn’t excuse that behavior, but that alone definitely doesn’t warrant such a focused loathing considering it’s basically the industry standard.

Second, who is Gaines hearing these stories from? I assume (though admittedly I have no idea) that since Gaines worked for Deadspin he spent a decent amount of time in New York City. I can’t imagine him hearing more, or better, stories about Chipper’s supposed douche baggery than in that city, in that office. Of course a person with any knowledge of baseball might want to take any negative story they hear about Chipper Jones from a New Yorker with a GIGANTIC grain of salt. Also, considering that the website he worked for routinely refers to Chipper Jones as “Fat Chipper Jones” I can’t imagine that their opinion of the man is that much better than the average New York resident.

Everything Gaines said in that paragraph is bullshit. Gaines did not tweet his unprovoked cheap shot at Chipper Jones because he was annoyed to see an ex-ballplayer he knew to be bad man who had the world fooled into thinking he was a good one randomly appear in his timeline. Gaines is telling a lie to make himself look like the good person in this scenario. He is not. This is why Pete Gaines actually fired off a pissy little tweet at Chipper Jones’ remarks about that basketball game:

Pete Gaines is a kansas fan, and Pete Gaines got mad at Chipper Jones for calling out the kansas basketball team. Pete Gaines accused Chipper Jones of cheating at baseball (which he did not) and reminded him of a dark chapter in his past because Chipper Jones had THE NERVE to chastise kansas basketball player Elijah Johnson for punching an opponent in the dick. Then Chipper Jones responded. Then Pete Gaines told the world that Chipper Jones was a cyberbully.

Stay classy Pete Gaines.

Pete Gaines, get off your high fucking horse you stupid hypocrite. You are pathetic. If I understand your Twitter bio correctly (and maybe I don’t) there is a reason you are not writing professionally anymore. You are terrible at it, and you are liar.

Gaines tried to build in a fail safe to his entire preposterous argument. Gaines tried to cite Chipper’s Christianity as a reason why the ex-ballplayer should not have stooped to the same level as Gaines. That is, again, complete bullshit. You cannot dare someone to come down to your sad level, then when they do, chastise them for it and attempt to leap up to the moral high ground. That. Is. Bullshit.

The other problem I have is that, as someone who has watched the Atlanta Braves for the last twenty years, I cannot ever remember Chipper being an outspoken Christian. Chipper Jones is Christian, to be sure, but he is not conspicuous with his faith. I’m sure he’s done some promos in his day, he might even shoot out a “God is great” tweet now and then, but I have never noticed it to the point where I considered Chipper Jones to be an outspoken Christian the way someone like John Smoltz was.

Gaines would disagree, though, and he has proof! FACT PROOF! He linked an ESPN article about how Chipper Jones is in business with Tim Tebow. Naturally the two athletes’ partnership means that every Easter weekend Chipper Jones accompanies Tebow to the Philippines, snips a few baby penises, and helps recreate the crucifixion. I mean, if you’re within even ten feet of Tim Tebow you’re basically required to, right? Maybe we should read the ESPN article just to be sure, because I’m almost positive Gaines did not read a word of it.

Even though they are two of the most famous athletes to come from Jacksonville, Tim Tebow and Chipper Jones have never met.

That might change soon.

The New York Jets quarterback and the Atlanta Braves third baseman are partnering to open a D1 Sports Training facility in Orlando. It will house an indoor turf field and a state-of-the-art weight room to go with a sports medicine and therapy clinic run by Orlando Orthopaedic Center, which also is an owner.

Two incredibly famous professional athletes from the same city are opening a sports facility together!?!?!? HOLY SHIT! Again, I see why Gaines is no longer writing, he’s fucking terrible at it.

Pete Gaines, you were completely in the wrong during your interaction with Chipper Jones. Yes, Chipper was a dick right back to you, but no, you were not cyberbullied by Chipper Jones, so for the sake of your own dignity stop crying and acting like you were.

TL;DR: Pete Gaines is a trolling, pussy, lying fuck who couldn’t take the shit Chipper dished back to him.

I was going to say the exact same thing. He’s the kind of player that can get a round of applause when stepping up to the plate in other teams’ stadiums. Not many players will ever be good enough to earn that kind of respect.

C’mon, you fools. There is only one correct answer to the question “who is America’s Team?” They’re like the Cowboys, in that the fact their peak years are behind them is irrelevant.

Everyone hates them, including me, but there is only one team that everyone has an opinion on in regards to love or hate; only one team that any casual fan can name their starting lineup; only one team where everyone knows offhand how many World Series they have won.

God’s chosen baseball team? Clearly you’ve A. Never been to a Cards game, B. Never known what it’s like to witness a world championship (or 11), or C. You’re trying real hard. But yes Chipper is a legend, I will give you that.

^In my lifetime the Braves have more regular season wins, more division titles, more NL pennants, more post-season award winners (Cy Young, ROY, MVP, etc), and soon to be more Hall of Fame inductions than the Cardinals. The Cardinals, meanwhile, have one more World Series title, in my lifetime. 11 titles is incredibly impressive, but you were alive for two, let’s not go acting like you were living and dying (or even alive) for that 1944 squad, champ.

No casual baseball fan can name the starting 2013 Yankees lineup because all of the old fucks are on the DL. No one cares how many championships the Yankees bought. If you took a poll of the United States, Braves fans would cover a larger region of the country than any other team.

You mess with Chipper, you mess with a whooole lot of fans. I’ve known him through business and he was nothing but respectful. Little cocky? yeah. Little arrogant? I guess you could say that. It probably stems from him knowing he’s an absolute legend of the game and won’t take shit from some NY journalism horseshit. If I were him, I would not be able to contain my cockiness. I respect him because somehow he’s a pretty regular guy when most of the southeast worships him. He was an amazing part of the Braves organization for a long time. I think he’s earned not giving a flying fuck what some columnist for an online magazine thinks. Don’t talk trash about good ol’ 10, and if someone hears your name in a bar in the southeast, be sad that our hospitals not only dont have resources to fix your scarred face, when we hear why you’re there, we won’t want to fix you. Stay North of the Mason-Dixon for your own sake, champ. Or you might just end up with a big ol’ 10 scar on your back.

I’m so disappointed in how far Deadspin has fallen over the last couple years. It used to be a great time waster in class, but since they were bought by Gawker they have gone so far up their own liberal ass. Fuck them.

As a native Houstonian and a life long Astros fan I can say that Chipper caused me a lot of pain back when the braves were knocking the stros out of the playoffs every year and I hated him for it. But the man is a legend and one of the best to ever play the game and I respect him and that pussy writer got what he deserved

Just goes to show that everything said can be used against you in some regard. Sad that is now the case these days. Not a fan of the Braves but Larry has been a huge, durable icon for our generation. But there is always the question: do you look up to the player, the man or both?