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Thursday, December 20, 2012

In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, I was writing about how I've became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

I've defined my goal to get a magnificent and dream-tale-like beautiful woman and actually I am realizing to get it - it is possible - but then what the fuck about all my life which through I've defined myself as this 'fighting for my goal' - and when it's actually here then no more fighting but reached my self-defined "destination".

Destination as who I wanted to be but then what?

Then I continue from where I dropped myself to be undefined - a tiny kid - lol
and then no more goal but innocent self-exploration as the joy of simply I am myself as I am here
but that joy then I define myself with this experience of having me returning to innocence where innocence as not needing this nasty mind at all...

Because we are all know that being in the mind somewhere feels nasty really shitty really fucked up internal cage we rage within but we know that we do not get out as who we really are without the mind but within and as being able to represent ourselves within our so called society wherein really one can participate effectively when we are within and as the mind otherwise we can easily be an outcast, a disregarded or simply just literally destroyed by all others within and as the mind(as our human system does as us) so when I think and I am not totally obsessed with the topic as energetic storm within - then I feel this nastiness, what makes me feel a littlebit dirty even after a great orgasm experience when I was not myself as starting point without any knowledge, memory, picture, feeling, thought, emotion - this is really the red pill: Self-honesty.

From movie The Matrix wherein you once start to be honest with yourself - then within self-delusion
there is no more - real joy - what really means it never was but we perceived it to be.

And it is not about neglecting or disregarding joy - it is simply a decision walking really as not lieing to ourselves anymore and that means some self-dishonesty we start realize within our currently manifested creation as our individual physical life and our individual inner experiences and of course the currently manifested consequences within physical reality by our participation/actions.

Or to put it more simply - we start to realize our responsibility - and it's like I have a family(existence) who are starving(~a billion) and if I work I could have food but I am sitting here and drinking alcohol and feel better and shitty at the same time poisoned with this never-ending waving of positive and negative experiences - what are and how we perceive them as ourselves - not real and how the physical world IS reality.

and re-defining joy what is best for all
and re-defining life what is best for all
and re-defining ourselves as what is best for all

It is like in one breath I realize I am in a maze from reality and there is only one compass and that is self-honesty - and everything is based upon this - how self-honest I can be - that's it, all other of me are really irrelevant, whoever or whatever I was or will be - but if this fails, everything fails as me - but if I dare to be Self-honest with and as myself in all moments, then I can be sure that I am me who I really am - otherwise if I allow any dishonesty within myself, towards anything - then by that and as that I am of and as this consciousness system within what I am in a relationship and in fact limited by and as this relationship as who I've manifested myself to become within and as this physical reality.

Self-responsibility to get and realize our location - what is realizing our self-here-awareness within and as mind consciousness system, what we currently accepted and allowed ourselves to became.
And that location is simply manifested ourselves as our human physical body within and as who we are within and as this physical reality within equality and oneness.

And that is our location and when we fall into and as the mind, we stand up and re-aligning ourselves with and as principle as physical location and act within and as Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to inner experiences and disregarding physical reality what is the most stable manifestation of ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to goal and purpose and without that defining myself as innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as innocence meanwhile having reasons and excuses and justifications of currently why and how and based on what circumstance I am not innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being who I am simply without any character and realizing that I had the fear that without playing roles and acting characters of and as the mind I can not have a partner who I've defined to be as my 'goal' and 'purpose'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed the excuse that I need to be screwed up in order to have these energetic experiences within and as me what I've defined as then 'I am alive through these energetic movements' - what is simply self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined goals in my life what if I react or fullfil - I can be innocent and myself again but until that I am wearing this self-definition of and as the mind to get what I want within and as the mind within and as the human consciousness system wherein all are interconnected and interactive as Mind Consciousness Systems.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I've defined worth and value of women according to how I've defined outer beauty of a human according to the judgments and associations I've allowed myself to be defined through and as thoughts, feelings, emotions - with what I've idolized and totemized women as goal, as a tool for power, as what I deserve according to who I've defined myself to be since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider physical equality within human interaction according to principle of 'what is best for all' - by always striving for fulfilling my wants and needs and desires what are constantly popping up within and as my mind showing to myself equal and one with what I've accepted and allowed myself to identify myself according to starting point as fear of 'remaining alone, powerless' as self-definition and self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've made up a maze within and as my head by defining goals to reach and until that goal I can not define as 'fulfilled' - I am defined by and as this seek for this goal and by and as this definition I am limited by my own self-definition what is according to the 'feeling of lack of ...' what I've defined that it is me but manifested as somebody else and without that I've defined myself to be flawed, hollow and as 'something is missing' - meanwhile what is really missing is to experience myself here as who I am as Self-honesty within action.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined woman's pussy as my ultimate goal with what I can rejuvenate and rebirth myself as this energetic experience being me within this internal and self-defined relationship with pussy and the being who has the pussy but firstly defined the whole relationship according to pussy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman's genital and not realizing that by and as this definition I've limited myself and by that limitation I've manifested frustration within and as myself instead of realizing that everything what I experience as separated from me and I construct desire after it - is based on a self-dishonesty what was the starting point as already existing relationship within and as myself and the subject with what I've defined myself to be through and as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've become obsessed with the pussy instead of realizing that the starting point of being obsessed with pussy was the energetic experience what I can have with it by my inner reactions and by the physical participation within sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard physical reality and within all beings by defining my experiences as more valid and real and interesting than reality what I am sharing with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my inner experiences regarding to pussy and sex and inner energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to the 'intensity' of energetic experiences within and defining myself as one is striving for compounding energetic experiences within and by and as that energy movement within and as me - I've defined myself who I am as this continuous interaction within mind-relationships according to associations and memories and emotions and the positive and negative polarities within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic movements being experienced by and as participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions and defining myself who I am according to the outer circumstances by and as I am having these energetic movements within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that specifically I've defined beauty as something what is physically separated from me and wanting to experience this beauty I've defined it according to and through and as women - and by that defining my experience of beauty according to women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the lack of energy for not experiencing woman and beauty as myself and by that defining myself as goal and purpose as becoming the person being able to have access to this beauty directly, physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being worthless and nobody when not being able to experience this fulfillment within and as the mind as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to relationships within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I separate myself from beauty by definitions, I can only experience beauty through and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to the mind to be able to interact with all other minds existing within this world because directly without the thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, energetic experiences - when I was kid, I was unable to directly experience because of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed fear to be the starting point in my life to build up who I perceived myself to be, and not realizing that this fear is always here as I've defined myself and who I am and who I've became according to all definitions, within what the fear is still accepted and allowed as starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've lost patience for getting what I want directly, therefore I've manifested this system within me what with I can perceive that I am skipping my own self-responsibility for what I am and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the existing fear within and as me is already of and as the mind what with I've started to explore this world as I've beeing taught so by those who I've trusted more I've trusted myself here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the inner energetic experiences within me are related to the world system of money.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself inferior towards to this physical existence as I've perceived it as much-much-much bigger and greater and stronger than me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that feeling smaller and tiny regarding to physical existence is because of knowledge or self-defined lack-of knowledge of what is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information and knowledge as value instead of realizing that physical reality is existing here regardless of information and knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the ability and experience of thinking, feeling, having emotions - what are not lasting experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all what I've defined myself to strive for as woman, money, fame, power - are of and as information and knowledge about who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I've defined myself according to experience of lack of experience of something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as nasty, dirty as the mind when I am not absolutely Self-honest as these energetic experiences I am experiencing within and as my human physical body.

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I commit myself to stop all relationships within and as my mind with and by I've defined myself to be and to be only.

I commit myself to develop a constant and consistent presence within I can exist without energy, without any definition.

I commit myself to stop being obsessed and stop being obsessed with wanting to define myself not being obsessed with pussy.

I commit myself to share and show how exactly we fucked up ourselves with and as the mind by using it as a tool for hiding and avoiding to face ourselves from Self-honesty and Self-responsibility.

I commit myself to walk here as the physical and let go all what I've defined as I lack of.

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to beauty and stop defining myself to not being beauty and then needing to have somebody who I can define as myself as beauty.

I commit myself to slow down and breath and see the mind and when it moves, to absolutely stop and let it go and re-aligning myself with and as the physical reality.

When and as I experience fear - I stop, I breathe, I realize I am self-defined according to previously self-accepted definitions - what are of and as self-dishonesty, what is my self-responsibility, what I simply STOP and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to self-dishonesty.

When and as I give up who I am, when and as I change myself or pretending myself to be not as who I am to get what I want, especially woman, woman's attention, woman's body, woman's pussy - I stop, I realize I experienced myself as starting point as fear and the whole self-automated thing is for not needing to experience this fear as self-dishonesty.

When and as I realize I am not absolutely self-honest - I realize I will always have friction and conflict within me until I do not dare to explore what means to remain absolute self-honest in all moments breath by breath.

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So I am going to continue with my real time events since childhood according to women and how specifically I was responsible and self-dishonest by walking through my first relationships with women and how I've defined myself to be according to that and how my origin point as fear and self-dishonesty was suppressed by and as these intensified experiences and forgiving myself for the specific self-dishonesties what I came up with and resonantly still being responsible for as being influenced by.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

[In the last posts, I was writing about how I've became addicted to pleasing woman and without woman how I compromise my wholeness by definition - now digging deeper how I've defined myself to be from childhood according to this and taking responsibility and walking back to Earth from Mind. Because others might not see within what I am self-dishonest about, but I can see within writing and then no more excuse but to walk the process until I am here undefined constantly]

So when I was kid, I was thin, white and others judged me as weak, ugly and I've defined myself according to that.I've noticed that some other guys are developing huge muscles on their bodies and becoming very strong physically - meanwhile myself not - and also seeing that women tend to be attracted to muscular guys - who I was not.My body was always here to transform it to be more athletic and muscular but at very early stage of my life I've realized that I can think smarter and faster than most of the other kids around me, so I've been occupying myself with thinking to not needing to realize that meanwhile others define physical body and outfit as more important, I've defined inner experiences more than the human physical body.

Somehow as being a kid, already I've decided many points within my future how it will lay out as I grow up, for instance there was a self-definition point like: I will have one of the most beautiful women because that I need and that would fit to who I am.

Also I realized that within my physical expression I was like a beetle, not even being able to speak aloud properly, because I never really had the strength - in fact the will and motivation - to stand out and get what I want, rather than I was fantasizing, I was thinking and basically daydreaming about women and power - and it was 'cool' because I was by myself within apparently and noone could directly influence that within me, so by that inner reaction system I've defined myself to be - because as I stepped among other humans, I was unable to direct myself as I wanted to - because I was reacting to so many things what I've defined within automatically - being lost in the experience among others and then going alone and being shameful how I did not do what I wanted was the program for many years.

Also this money point was very prominent as my family had not much, we were doing tricks in the system to get some stuff for 'free' for instance scavenging cornfields and I saw that my family members became system survivors, what I wanted to avoid, and in that time in basic school, if I did think or do the math faster than others, then the teachers loved me, they were exceptionizing with me and for me it was very easy, as I was doing this intense thinking and being logical all the time anyways, so I got rewarded from school and also my mother loved me apparently more when I took home better scores and she also said that if I do not want to end up in factory standing line work all week like her, I should finish schools and get a degree to have a 'dreamjob'.

And programming computers was always easy for me because the same way I've programmed myelf according to circumstances and I extensively enjoyed that there is no much emotional side effect as I had with other humans - and then what I did with computers, then other humans appreciated it - more like they did when I was doing 'being social' directly only.

And somehow woman was the point wherein all my mind just melted down and became very excited and unpredictable as I defined experience with woman more than being myself self-directive here.

And the whole thing was about skipping and disregarding the physical reality.Because within reality, I felt myself like this wobbling, unsure, weak boy meanwhile inside I felt like I am invincible and very clear about my desires and dreams.But the physical reality to not really 'get in' into my inner reality - I had to constantly be occupied with thoughts, feelings, emotions - what was after a time always too much, so I had to let it go, I had to learn techniques to not be scared shitless from facing reality, so I've intensified inner experiences simply repeating them, like thinking the same thought-thread again and again and again, literally becoming obsessed and possessed by and as myself.

I was also afraid to become like my elder family members who seemed to be quite lost in surviving versus entertainment - however this constant need for entertainment stimulation is still defining and moving me since - also the surviving personality sometimes if I am not aware of - I am re-living physically, when the fear kicks in of 'if I do not fight for my life, I might be pushed down'

It's like if I work hard, I expect entertainment and joy automatically, like a reward, and it is no matter that the reward is of and as reality or it is just perception, like later on for instance "taking" a mushroom trip to other dimensions meanwhile I could not pay the bills.

Also regarding to women the point of emotions is very important as who I've defined myself as somebody who do not need emotions, those are just of weakness, and if even I had emotional reaction, I've developed an ability to immediately suppress upcoming emotions in a microsecond, so it was like a silent shout for a moment and then I am clear again, suppressed, diverted the whole energetic reaction deep down into my human physical body. What I did not realize that the body is for storing information and programmes also and by suppressing emotions basically I was building up and growing my suppressed part of me - what was always also here to influence me as subconscious, unconscious mind, meanwhile within my conscious mind I was constantly busy to think and think and generate energy by thinking and by that energy, thinking more, and when it was like waving energies within, what would transform into emotions, then I just suppressed them again and pretending to be 'clear'.

And also I've defined women according to emotions while judging them and in fact having an inner reaction as fear from becoming tainted with this emotion if I would be with woman and being influenced and reacted to. In a way, it is quite an energetic rush - and I've defined energetic intensity as great, because when it is great, it is washing me from physical presence into and as this self-generated experience - and by and as it, (and later on the memories and feelings to it) I was not this 'screwup' who I've defined myself to be within the physical.

So then I was dependent on women to define myself great. But until 18 I was unable to face women because I was already introduced to porn and masturbation and after a while, by self-definition - in the presence of a woman who I've defined attractive(according to previous judgments), I've become extremely aroused and excited what I judged as shameful and I had always the huge fear that if I look into the eye of a woman, she might see that I am so attracted to that I almost fall apart, so I had this red color on my face when looking to a woman and feeling very inhibited because wanting to stop being exposed of how much I am being stimulated.

That changed only at university, when my will-be-partner started to make me drink shots to be able to speak with me - so by that energetic experience I started to let go inhibition and allowing myself to speak directly with woman. So then I turned to alcohol, my father was already gone because he abused himself with alcohol too much, so it was always two-bladed - one inhibition-desire fear-change and also my mother always was worried that I would become like my father, abused and eventually destroyed by alcohol. But it had price, my stomach could not handle it so I had problems and then after university I've been introduced to smoking marijuana what was very-very interesting how effected my mind, so I started to do that, meanwhile my current 'marriage' did not really work, we did not live together, we started to be different, wanting different things, so then we split, and then I started to head on psychedelics, to boost experience more and more within me to the outmost degree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am still reacting to experiences and events what are long gone and I am not even aware of these in the moment when I react for instance shouting immediately. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to my family values as surviving and cheating within the system at all cost. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself about who i am according to my shape of my human physical body as being white and thin as undesirable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from letting go of all pre-programming and standing 'naked' so to speak in the moment, every moment always here with no stepping back ever but pushing self here breath by breath. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to other's judgments regarding to my body as weak and ugly because they shouted at me many times I've reacted to and I've defined myself according to this and limited myself by remembering to it at occasions automatically. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by thinking I can manipulate the physical world around me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to be powerful without woman as self-presence as power that I was searching for and for get the woman who I wanted I had to develop certain type of self-presence characters anyway to stimulate them with my energies. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I intensify inner experiences until I do not experience anything else, that not means actually I am escaping from reality and consequences, I only procrastinate facing myself by not considering the physical in every moment equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define computers as more preferable and more 'direct-able' than humans because with computers I do not have emotional interference and not realizing that in fact this emotional interference is accepting my self-dishonesty within me regarding to others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being natural and myself with woman because fearing they might see within me how much I can be aroused by her but in fact by my judgments about her and my reactions to my judgments based on past judgments what are not here. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I objectified and subjectified women within and as my self-definition system to be value and some sort of property by with I can have an apparent power and value so by that I would be able to develop real power and value.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined woman's power as how much sexual pleasure I can make with her and how much she would like to be exhibicionist in terms of being actor on camera.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to being aroused to picture and sound presentations of woman, especially woman who is enjoying sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my purpose is to do as much sex as possible to work with these enormous energies and learn them to use and play with - instead of realizing that this is one aspect of me only, what must be equalized with all parts of my life instead of being obsessed with parts of me time to time based on reactions to circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define woman according to how I judge her face as beautiful and regarding to that by even looking at generating a feeling of energetic pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mesmerized by a woman's face regardless of what she is doing and saying by defining her according to the picture what I've predefined within me so I unconditionally judge her as mesmerizing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being stopped being mesmerized from time to time by woman's face who I can define as mesmerizingly beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have not been self-honest with myself in terms of practically seeing how and what I really want regarding to woman and why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a woman who I can stimulate myself with anytime I want with this mesmerizing beauty-ness, even by disregarding her who she is in physical but only regarding the picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness according to beautiful woman, being with beautiful woman and especially when self-defined as 'beautiful' woman is paying attention to me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that wanting woman paying attention to me is coming from when I was a little kid and wanting my mother to pay attention to me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to how much I can disregard my human physical body by thinking and feeling and being emotional about something.

..to be continued with self-forgiveness within specificity and self-correction statements.

[I will continue with walking through wanting to be self-defined as energetic addiction from restraining my impulses about physical reality and projecting out that women need me, and in fact/indeed women to be needed by me lol]

Definitely the woman-pleaser personality must be dealt before engaging into an other agreement. One can ask what problems could arise from pleasing my partner as much as I can - well, it is simply energy - if I do it for a reason, I am the slave of that reason.

As if I have a belief why I should do it, then I accept myself as religous, be-lie-wing that is what I am, what I should do based on my original imprints regarding to women, what I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be and then physically acting that out according to outer circumstances.

Because in the moment I stop pleasing, the experience is gone.

It is my drug - pleasing woman because then I am getting high with her - because defining myself being high according to my partner, simply defining myself according to my partner's current mind-state - and if it is not what I've defined as joy, as this almost like 'pure' mind-energy what is re- and re-occuring within and as myself as a self-created experience.
And by that high, being able to please more and wheeling the whole thing to the point wherein experience and reaction to experience washes everything away and then that is our happiness.

But if my partner is not like that, she might be confused, and fall apart because when this drug is in effect within her, the she is high, and when not, then she is down.

And then my partner is being conditioned to my pleasing so she will need me, so then I will be able to continue pleasing my partner and experiencing my partner being pleased, I am also pleased.

That's why I went into drugs, to substitute this energetic high, and when with my partner(s)(ex) I was unable this energetic workout to maintain, who I've defined myself to be according to energy and experience, so then I was able to sense reality what is not a very pretty picture and becoming high from that for me is not possible, so I fell into the temptation of energetic manipulation through substances.

Because for not get reality into my head requires TONS of mind-energy to bubble and divert myself from what is really, physically here.

Because when I was kid, I just could not handle reality, many abuse I witnessed in my family; in the world, I was scared shitless for entering the current human world system as I had no REAL EDUCATION back there to realize the basic principles of Equality and Oneness within and as everything and how we are missing life directly here when we go into fool-love-ing thoughts and feelings and emotions, what do not last but of and as external and internal conditions and defining myself to be according to these conditions, circumstances and eventually becoming the slave of my own beliefs and I was not aware of the Desteni tools as Self honesty, Self forgiveness, Self corrective statements to stop participate within self-beliefs, about how I create energetic entities within and as my head, about love is this experience of being high for instance, what is of and as Self-dishonesty, fear.

So I've made up things as everyone else did so around me and then I got used to that and then decades passed like that and then I am here responsible for who I've accepted myself to physically become.

And pleasing is NOT 'bad' - but who we are as starting point has consequence, this time for me within sexual relationships for totemizing energetic high mind-states - instead of equal physical support and care, considering all participants for long-term and considering all as equals physically, practically.

In the next post, I dig deeper for why I've created this character of me to live me instead of me being directly always here.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

(Continuing with the Journey to Life and pushing myself to make the regular, daily post here.)

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've developed specific characters for specific self-dishonesty to embrace instead of investigating within self-honesty and directly realize the actual responsibility of programming and automating myself based on self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each character I've accepted and allowed myself to physically became - is because I could not deal with my issues within absolute self-honesty, so I've compromised my walk, I've compromised my self-honesty by defining myself according to circumstances and allowing circumstances to direct me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when within what character I participate because being so occupied within the automatic reaction.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize some of the main characters I've defined myself to be according to circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my starting point regarding to women is of desire, of fear therefore by following that impulse I am in fact unquestionably following my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to women, according to my perceived opinion regarding to women's opinion about me and defining everything according to circumstances - and not realizing that by even for a moment concerning about other's opinion means concerning about my own opinion in fact, what is obviously self-dishonesty because living directly here would not require any inner reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself who wants woman so much that even defining myself as woman-pleaser and acting according to, so basically overwhelming woman with impulses and experiences so much then if she might react to inner reactions, then her experience would link to me therefore she would want to be with me because of this pleasing instead of common sense and actual physical compatibility and in fact as decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to this character of fearing that without pleasing women actually I would end up without woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to please women all the time so then women would define me as needed.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that for defining myself according to inner reactions I have the tendency to being lost within experience instead of physically re-defining myself as presence and self-direction within active breathing by and as letting go of following and reacting to thoughts and feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I compromise my self-honest walk each time when I define myself as woman-pleaser or I act according to past-based self-definitions as wanting to please woman.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when exactly I go into this character of pleasing women in order to fullfill myself as I've defined myself to be such as being with woman and pleasing her as much as possible.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the character of 'woman-pleaser' for long term is not working as it is of experience, as it is of perception, as it is of my constant participation as 'woman-pleaser' and when I stop being this character, then everything what I 'worked' for is gone and actually facing physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and define that the ultimate tool for being with woman is actually please her sexually as much as possible, as many times as possible as for who I've defined myself to be this is required for being attracted to somebody really - to sexually be able to please and be pleased regularly by believing and thinking and defining this to be the measurement of assistance for me to walk with somebody.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself in terms of seeing and realizing that I engage with woman basically for sexual pleasurement.

I commit myself to stop all characters within and as myself what I've developed throughout the years by continuously defining myself according to outer circumstances and inner reactions by not realizing that when I go into inner reaction even for a moment - that moment and everything of me can not be trusted, should not be compounded but must be understood and realized in terms of self-responsibility and must be walked as physical self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop defining myself and my needs of sexual pleasure and defining and projecting it as myself into this self-defined automatic character what I allow myself to become at moments based on my interest, actually the pleasing part.
I commit myself to stop seeking sexual pleasure by realizing that it is only an experience what is not lasting and what lasts is the physical.
I commit myself to immediately stop if I realize I am participating within mind-characters, specifically within being a 'woman-pleaser'.
I commit myself to breathe and be absolutely and unwavering here by living the realization of disregarding thoughts, feelings and emotions and empowering myself to trust myself always here without any memory, fear, desire but constant self-expression.

When and as I realize I am participating within woman-pleasing by default, I stop, I breathe, I realize I act according to fear but it is beyond layers of consciousness and actually bringing every single detail of this aspect of myself requires more research, investigation and work to walked through within writing and living self-forgiveness and self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

When and as I realize I engage a woman, I check, do I have any inner reaction, any desire or fear what would indicate that I go into the energetic state of being a character instead of being myself always here undefined, unlimited.

When and as I fear from not having a woman to have pleasure with - I realize I have to stop being a woman-pleaser and start looking for other aspects than sex.

[I will continue with walking through wanting to be self-defined as energetic addiction from restraining my impulses about physical reality and projecting out that women need me, and in fact/indeed women to be needed by me lol]

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http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my writing session for Agreement course and not realizing that this will not go by itself, I must sit down and write through and if I postpone it, it will compound and direct me based on the procrastination and not based on the principle of walking self-honesty.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I postpone walking through resistances of actually walking through self-dishonesties within and as me, then I actually postpone myself who I am as Self-honesty.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is no other way than walking through self-accepted limitations and actually giving hope that it will be solved without myself actually directing everything here to stop participate within inner judgments.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I allow such a thought like 'one night or morning will be enough for the homework for agreement course' is actually not true, as at least two-three sitting sessions I do require for walking through a singular point properly.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not prioritize my tasks regarding to actual preferences based on self-honesty such as allowing myself to spend the time with others by playing meanwhile who I defined myself to be is somebody who does his homework regardless of anything.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that every time I allow resistances to stop me, I am letting the directive power of and as myself to be inner judgments instead of myself being fully here always.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that one of the most influential point within me is relationship/women/sex - and until I do not walk through each and every single self-dishonesty what I manifested as myself - until I have the tendency to being directed by my own self-dishonesties such as fear and self-judgments towards sex.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at times I forget how much I want to walk through self-definition-based compounded energetic self-judgments what I continuously generate and discharge and who I defined myself to be is this energetic waving of experiences.

I commit myself to learn how to walk process consistently, each day no matter what, sitting down and doing actual progress.I commit myself to walk through Agreement course as walking through myself.I commit myself to realize and stop inner judgments regarding to my progress and efficiency within Agreement course.I commit myself to walk through fear of realizing my self-accepted programmed behavior because when I realize it, I can not face myself continuing it as it was before realizing it, so then I must change in order to not being frustrated by my own self-accepted self-dishonesty.I commit myself to develop a constant, stable expression of walking self-forgiveness no matter what outer circumstances I am within.I commit myself to learn and know myself and be able to direct myself based on principle and regard what is best for all within each act.When and as I schedule myself for sitting down and walking my assignment within agreement course, I realize I have the tendency to postpone it, so I consider the timing carefully, but once I do it, when the time comes, I respect my decision to walk this and I am aware of if I skip that time for walking the assignment, I will judge myself as 'lazy and postponing' what is unnecessary, so I rather actually do it when I schedule it to.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I have a tendency to just smile - or just smile back if someone is smiling at me.
I have also tendency to approach specific humans with smile when I want something, what is just self-dishonesty.
I am transforming my smile as an equal and one self-expression without any self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have the tendency to change my attitude according to women to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what Self-compromise I am accepting regarding to the starting point of wanting to have sex, wanting to be loved.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by wanting others to love me where I actually am missing myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself always here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've been obsessed with this 'wanting to love' 'wanting to be loved', even when not being aware of it but still automatically reacting the way towards others as I've defined as 'attractive'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile because then I might seem as somebody as happy, as somebody who is alright, who is loving, who wants to love.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what is love in fact meanwhile taking my self-definition of "love" as granted.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself in terms of realizing what love really means within this world as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others want to love me because as I've judged their self-defined love, I'd stay out of it when I am able to be here and use common sense - meanwhile when I am not aware of this - I am participating within automatic expressions, such as smiling, accepting bullshit, to not being rejected by those who define their life according to their definition of 'love'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that smiling is love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am kind and gentle and smiling with everyone then I am doing the best - instead of realizing that this is only the surface of why I do smile that easily.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I act as myself directly without participating any self-definition, then I might be seen as raw, rude, selfish.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not smile back for somebody who is smiling at me then I am breaking the 'bliss'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define that if I am communicating with someone who is smiling and I am smiling back, then it is something what is magical instead of realizing that this is just two beings happen to smile at the same time, both having own reason to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smiling to get what I want, especially with those who I have found out previously that if I do smile, they automatically smile back.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is an influence of my money/salary regarding to my smiling - if I would not get any money from anywhere, I might not smile that much because then I would worry more about how to pay the bills and my expenses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that rich people smile more than poor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that poor people has more honest smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile when everybody is smiling for something what I would not smile to, for instance when someone is saying how much they drunk last night and transformed into a pig for some hours.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define that if I am smiling, I am more attractive for others who also like smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define that if I am smiling, I am less attractive for others who does not like smiling.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I allow my definitions/reactions towards others influence my conscious or subconscious decision when to smile, when not to smile then my expression as who I am is conditional by forces outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the commonly accepted smiling as a tool to make myself appear as more happy, lovely, attractive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I smile because of a self-definition, then I am not here smiling directly but I am reacting to something and by that self-definition I am compelled to do so until I do not stop and let go and forgive and remove this specific self-definition within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I use smiling as a mask, then I am not absolutely self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why I do put up fake smile in the office when I work, even when I just feel like exploding like an atom-bomb, because then noone will ask, I can just get the job done without the need to explain why I do not smile.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not self-honest with myself in terms of smiling when I am smiling because of a reason what is not directly here as myself as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to their smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who do not smile much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who do smile all the time as deceivers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a good person if I can smile.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I get my salary, I have the tendency to smile because then for a month I can be who I am according to the company money, regardless to who I am, what is the current world situation, but at least for a month I can smile easily: my pockets and my stomach can be full any time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define occasions when I have to smile instead of trusting myself always here and smile when I smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share myself here unconditionally by allowing inner judgments regarding to the circumstances I am within to define specific situations as something what allows me to express myself physically and what inhibits me from express myself physically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself in terms of realizing in what situations I stop expressing myself because of a self-judgment such as "fear from others what might think/react".
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the self-compromise within by allowing myself to judge myself in a way what makes me stop expressing but starting to suppressing for instance as thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with and as myself in terms of seeing, realizing within what circumstances I let go my presence, principle to get what momentarily I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not clear within my starting point regarding to being with other humans, I have the tendency to express myself based on my past, my self-definitions, about what I've defined according to the other humans what momentarily I define as more important than my starting point here as the physical as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize within what experiences I am being washed away, flooded away from being 'physically here' by focusing to inner reactions, my inner reactions towards my inner reactions and then the whole chain-reaction syndrome - what is only energetic, what is being generated by and as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that smiling is energy, and if energy drives me then I am not here as myself as the principle as Life but I am here as the consequence of self-dishonesty as defining self according to energies outside of me.

I define love as something what is best for all.
I define smiling as physical self expression without any association.

I commit myself to stop automatically reacting within society.
I commit myself to becoming aware of all my words, movements and acts and seeing the starting point of each, being aware the physical consequence of them and standing within the realization of 'This is who I am, this is what I stand for' and if my words, movements and acts are result of a self-dishonesty, then I take full self-responsibility and I walk through it until I am here clear.
I commit myself to use smile as myself undefined.

When and as I am smiling automatically - I breathe, I let go - I realize that I am reacting to the subject of my smile based on a self-definition - so I am becoming aware of the self-definition (For instance if a woman smiles at me, I smile back automatically) to stop.

When and as I am here and somebody is smiling at me - I do not smile back automatically - but I do not stop myself smiling - if I smile, I smile - and I do see that why I do smile - and if there is self-dishonesty - an inner movement - I write it down, I forgive, I let go and then next time when similar circumstance comes - it will be tested again as myself until nothing moves me but me here.

When and as I smile at something while I experience a definition within and as me for instance 'babies are cute, smiling at a baby is always cool' - then I realize that I am moving automatically here without myself fully being aware of it - so here I unify myself, I forgive myself that I've segregated myself according to programming myself into conditional timespace, wherein I am only able to grasp what I define - instead of letting go all definitions.

When and as I want something from someone I do not smile to influence the other to get what I want - I do not judge when I do smile but I decided not to smile by default when I ask something from someone.

When and as I experience inner reaction such as thought or feeling or emotion meanwhile smiling or being smiled at - then I remember it, I write it down and I specifically forgive myself for accepting myself like that and then writing self-corrective statements to prepare the way when coming to actually change and stop automatic and unaware of my smiling and reactions towards others smiling at me.

We ended our agreement to walk together quite some times ago and I am walking through the inner reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous when I speak with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when I speak with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define speaking with ex-partner as frustrating.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize why I do become nervous and frustrated and angry when I meet and speak with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inner reaction storm within me around my solar plexus when I speak with ex-partner even through phone.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame ex-partner for the experiences what I have.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself powerless regarding to becoming nervous, frustrated, anxious and angry when I speak with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I decided to remain with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I would remain with ex-partner, I will be always nervous and frustrated and anxious and angry.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed when I think about ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fallen and as a failure when I think of ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my attraction towards ex-partner because it is directing me instead of realizing that by small steps I've designed and manifested myself as who I am right here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself inferior in relation to my attraction towards ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what is directing me specifically to still strive after ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that I have failed the agreement with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and mentally punish myself for what I have done with ex-partner what she stated as I did with her.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences what I caused with ex-partner and even not being specifically aware of it.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to avoid conflict with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I am who want to be with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is like me five years ago.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being left by ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself in terms of what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest regarding to ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I lose myself as presence as direction as principle when I am with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being true and real what ex-partner thinks an says about me because then I would judge myself as really a bastard.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from screwing ex-partner's mind I did.I forgive myself that I have not realized that the starting point of my relationship with ex-partner was sexual desire.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in terms of seeing within me as me what I do really need and what I do really not need regarding to partner to walk with.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself into a condition wherein I perceive myself as somebody who need and require an other to face myself, to remain stable, constant.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself in terms of sex.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being possessed by sex demon by wanting to do sex based on my self-interest to satisfy my desire and to let go compounded energetic and emotional chargups within and as me.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest reaction systems within and as my human physical body as organic robot regarding to how I express myself with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when ex-partner is saying how she is experiencing me humiliating her.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what is humiliation in fact.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what with and how and WHY I act like ex-partner is experiencing herself being humiliated by me.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being humiliated by ex-partner by her saying to me not doing sex with other meanwhile in fact doing sex with other because she asked to agree not to do so and as I saw this point important for my agreement, then by how the other is keeping it defined also myself as somebody I can not trust while saying I can.?I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that ex-partner would cheat on me so then I would have to experience humiliation.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that everything will be just great and cool with ex-partner and one day we would work team as walking together this lifetime supporting self and each other as equal and one.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that it would work with ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would feel herself better.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would realize all the things what I already realized and seeing herself not being realized.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would find an other guy who is much greater than me for her.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would one day realize that what I do and participate within is really the key to Self-freedom.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help ex-partner instead of realizing that she can only help herself regarding to walking the mind to Life.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous to ex-partner because she is meeting with many guys who are attempting to 'get' her.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous when I have spare time and I want to spend with her while she do not want to meet me and she is having fun with her friends.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that ex-partner should spend most of her spare time with me instead of her poet friends.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be demanding with ex-partner regarding to sex.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically manifest the system within me regarding to ex-partner and automatically reacting within the starting point of fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go ex-partner because then I would fear of she would do something stupid or she would being chewed up by the system wherein she is really unstable and not really being supported - instead of realizing that I tried to give her support by arranging chats with the Portal to assist and support her to walk through the points what are making her petrified by fear.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save ex-partner from delusions instead of realizing that I can only save my own ass from my own delusions and it is the Self-responsibility what each of us must face individually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed within ex-partner because she is not realizing Self-forgiveness is the most effective tool for and as Self to change by letting go fear and self-definitions.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner would not really want to be with me but she would being addicted to the sex with me.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing a woman because then she would become addicted to the sex with me.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear from women would become addicted to me sexually is really about myself having the tendency to become addicted to sex and to do sex with one person specifically, in this case ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner coming because we would then argue and shout and say evil things what we then would regret.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my physical presence while acting out the reactions towards ex-partner.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am not aware of my palms, my chest, my breath, my physical body, my presence, my principle as Life and then to STOP for a moment and let go everything what is not physically here.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am being directed by my emotions and then to stop and breathe and let go and forgive everything what I CONtain as inner reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected by ex-partner for what I have done or for what I have not done.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do not know what to do in terms of the current situation with ex-partner instead of seeing what is physically here and using common sense and decide within the principle of 'What is best for all?'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to ex-partner.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the external context I am within.I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in which character I am being possessed by and for the experience to not face reality as myself as equal as one in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within expectation actually I became disappointed because my expectation we did not agree on to do or I did not speak through or not even mention to ex-partner or - I mentioned and she said that I should not expect anything from her meanwhile thinking that it is not fair because she is obviously expecing a lot of things from me by default and when I am asking to clarify to be aware of it to transform this separation into common self-support then she would just state that she is not expecting anything from me and then I would start to be angry at myself and as I am becoming anxious she would feel that and by that she would become also anxious and start saying how much she is actually disappointed in me and saying the things what felt really horrible for her and then I would actually become more angry because then I would think she is not aware what is she speaking as she is saying she do not expect while being disappointed for points and then I would think that I am screwed and fubar and just wanting to remain quiet and suppressive or wanting to or actually doing 'runaway'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that if I do sex with ex-partner that is assisting her to let go all emotional self-compromise and then wanting to do sex with her and when she would reject me then I would say that I just wanted to do so because of assisting her - and then I'd admit that I wanted to have sex with her because of desire, because of wanting to release my suppressed emotional chargups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would do sex with ex-partner in every second day then we would be able to be calm and tender and kind and supportive with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner having sex with the poets what she meets quite often, not because she would want to do so but because they would want so and they can influence and even direct her when she is not directing herself within presence here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner now is coming to me and what will happen as if I am not present for a moment then I would say something what she feels really like humiliating and then she would start to be distressed and then I would become angry at myself and she would think that I am angry at her and then she would distress much more and then I would become more and more angry at myself so then each of my words would come out with anger and slowly but surely I would focus to my inner reactions instead of breathing physical here no matther what I experience inside.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in this moment ex-partner has fears to face me from experiencing all the shit what she is experiencing within herself towards me, according to, regarding to me because how we have formed ourselves what we have accepted ourselves to become as we exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge my mistakes what I did at the beginning of our agreement.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner would physically hurt herself if I would let her go.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when ex-partner told me that she wants to die and she wants to hurt herself because I felt like I do not know what to do.

I walk Self-Agreement, I am not walking together with ex-partner.

I walk as physical, I walk as inner silence, I walk as breath, I walk as Principle as Life.I sit, I breathe, I type as breathe, I let go of the energetic reactions what are the past what is gone.

When and as I meet with ex-partner, I remain here, I remain aware of my body, I remain aware of my palms, I remain aware of my chest, I remain aware of the physical process of my breathing, I remain aware of my inner reactions while being pulled into.I remain here as breath, and if I experience inner reactions such as emotions as anger, desire or fear or any thinking what I follow - I immediately slow down, STOP and breathe, and let go everything what is not here as physical as myself.When and as I talk with ex-partner, I realize that within the past I had the tendency to go into inner reactions according to Self-accepted self-dishonesties, so when we face - I slow down, I breathe.

When and as I face ex-partner on chat, on phone or in physical - I remain calm, open, clear.

When and as I meet ex-partner I remain calm, kind and tender with ex-partner regardless of anything without going into participate within thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When and as I experience inner reaction, such as thoughts pointed at or about ex-partner; or having any kind of mood/feeling/emotional waving, I realize I am participating within self-definitions automatically and I slow down, I breathe, I let go everything what is not physically here.

When and as I face ex-partner, I remain inner silent, I remain aware of my palms physically as the blood is throbbing within it as it is pricking as I relax it and I remain aware of my arms, my chest, my breath, my nose as the air going in and out, my lungs, my muscles within my chest, my stomach.

When and as I am "in the context of" ex-partner - I am breathing here unwavering, if I see that I am being flooded by inner reactions, I slow down, I let go, I act, I forgive myself unconditionally.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

I continue to reveal and walk through the same point what I started in the last post, Human Relationships this time focusing on the attraction-women-sex-related automatic reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define some woman as special because the inner reactions I participate within myself regarding to sensing them around me as exciting and arousing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in fact I can program myself into reacting towards anything as arousing by continuous participation within inner judgments for instance defining that type of body as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the sexual desire what I experience within towards women is in fact a desire to be intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to be intimate means that I do require somebody who with I can 'be intimate' instead of realizing that intimacy means in to me I see.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by participation in such desire as I need somebody to be with sexually to be intimate with - means that I define myself as intimacy only if I am with the partner I've defined myself 'good enough' for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as the ultimate occupation as mostly in any time I am open to be stimulated sexually by the pictures/sounds regarding to sex by what I've defined as arousing and exciting.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined sex as attention divertion from the real world responsibilities by defining sex as the ultimate goal for satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by reacting to pictures of women's bodies with arousal I am actually programming myself to always react automatically on the same way even when I would not like to in the moment for instance when a woman walks by with few clothes on and it is a type of shape what I've defined many times as attractive, then I am automatically pulling my head towards it to just see it, even when I would not really want to for instance when I am within a conversation with someone.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to sex and according to judgments, beliefs, desires regarding to sex with woman who I define as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at times I use sexual desire and arousal as energy source when I am tired, I just participate within thoughts, feelings, emotions regarding to sex and I am not tired anymore, I am in fact ready to action like this would be my purpose to be available for sex all the fucking time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always define sex as not enough instead of realizing that this is just a hamster-wheel, wherein the more I react to it, the more I can wheel myself into it to react towards it more and more until the day is gone.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself regarding to sex about what I do want and what I do not want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that defining woman as sex-object I am in fact responsible for the perceived separation from woman because I am reacting to my definition of 'her' without allowing to 'let in' impressions directly from experiencing 'her' in reality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I can be automatically stimulated by pictures and sounds of 'attractive women' then I can be directed by my own self-definitions regarding to women and sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I defined sex as a must while at times playing as it is not really important to me to not needing to realize in how extent I am addicted to it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by defining intimacy as sex with 'attractive woman', I am defining an external dependency to be intimate with myself instead of realizing that intimacy is not equals sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is a list within me what entails what I am attracted to sexually and whenever I face experiences what I can define according to these items of this list, I am automatically react to with attraction, excitement.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not explore 'Self-intimacy' as myself, then I can not be intimate with other regardless of sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I exactly desire for and why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define young adult woman with less clothes on as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define directly visible woman's body shape as sexually stimulating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define white, narrow, transparent clothes on women as sexually arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define visible woman tit's shape as interesting, exciting, sexually arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame women 'on the street' who show their body explicitly for the automatic reactions I allow within as sexually arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define visible woman's tit's shape as a trigger for wanting to grab those tits immediately because I've defined grabbing woman's tits as preferable in any time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame women for allowing the want within me to touch them what I do not really do and that friction within me creates energy, compounded automatic reaction system what will influence me even when I am really with a partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself powerless within the situation of being around with multiple women who I defined as sexually attractive yet I fear to touch them to face the consequence directly of such a want because I am sure that these women 'on the street' would not really want me to touch them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that woman take clothes what pronounces their body about how attractive they can be sexually, that they do it for the inner reactions within themselves regarding to how they perceive other's attraction towards them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed myself to be programmed by media and others about what exactly is sexually attractive and what is not, about what type of body is the most stimulating for me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the current human system, for those who catalyze human behavior in great scale by media, they create values what are not real, they continuously repeat to show what is good and what is bad and as I react to these, I am being influenced by it by the very act of Self-dishonesty of participating within desire towards something what I've defined as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a definition within me as 'women on street' as a self-created perception about separation, about how they are separated from me, how they are defined within my head as starting point as sex-objects.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a category within my head when I am on street/mass transit etc that 'women' - meaning the picture presentation of them I've defined within me as 'me here', 'they there' - and from the very moment of participation within such perceptional separation - I have the right to think or imagine or internally react to whatever I am pleased to do instead of realizing that I am limiting myself to not be open and not being able to directly experience them as 'real, physical beings' but only through the definitions existing within me what I re- and reinforce within me by reacting the same way - in this example with sexual attraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'cool' to see other men to react to women with sexual attraction and judging them as 'automations' and thinking of 'them' and judging them as 'fools' instead of realizing that in fact I am projecting Self-judgment because when I see others react with sexual attraction, in that moment I do not do so, therefore in that moment I am not the 'fool' but the 'cool' who see others how and why are 'fool' and when I do not focus onto 'others who are reacting with sexual attraction' but focusing to 'women on street' then I'd do the exact same thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy to expose others being automatically sexually attracted to picture presentations of others - because in that moment I judge them as fools, while also I judge them as 'this is normal, therefore it is normal if I do so as well' to justify what I am really doing and to equalize the 'negative feeling' for acknowledging that I am not really present when I am automatically reacting with a 'positive feeling' of 'this is normal and that woman is in fact attractive'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I participate inner reactions towards women who are not my partner who with we are agreed to do sex - it is self-dishonesty to continuously participate within suppressed sexual desire towards them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that woman and sex is the goal for I do work in the system to have an existence what I can financially have to maintain to be able to have sex what I've defined as goal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing sexual attraction and judging it as bad, I am creating unnecessary frustration within me instead of releasing the obsession with woman bodies and focusing to the physical with the principle of 'what is best for all'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I projected responsibility for my sexual attraction reaction towards women to society and to media instead of realizing that I am in the first place who allowed in the knowledge and information about what is attractive and what is not by reacting to it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the more I wheel myself into reactions towards sex, the more I am being directed by the conditions of the appearance of these reactions with my permission and continuous participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use polarity to define sex as good or as bad instead of realizing that direct physical sex within the starting point of Self-support when the other is also being considered as equal physical being, then sex is very alright - but it is no more than other aspects of myself, it is time to equalize all of me without wanting to suppress or pronounce parts of me by past-fear-based self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the current human system sex is being used for generating revenue.

When I do have an agreed partner who with I do sex only, I realize - I do not need to wonder and consider every possibility to react with sexual arousement - we just meet and do sex and that's all.
When I go to 'street'/'public' - I realize the picture presentations of women are also physical beings just like me, if I react to 'them' with sexual attraction - it is nothing of them, only me and the picture of them as me reacting to the picture instead of realizing that I can let go of this personality by remain inner silent and physically here.
When a woman approach my field of view who I've defined as sexually attractive - I realize - this is because I continuously programmed myself to react automatically with affection by: seeing the picture, re-defining the picture as attractive and then that 'attractiveness' projecting back to the being what is obviously Self-dishonesty, what is merely an attempt to escape the point of responsibility for what I am doing.
So When I see a woman, I realize, I do not require to judge her as 'sexually attractive' or 'sexually not attractive' or 'a bit attractive' - I remain here and I allow myself to not react inside by breathing here and focusing to the physical.
When I see woman who shows her body explicitly, for instance directly seeing her body shape, her feet, her ass, her tits, nipples her face etc, then I remain physically here, I do not need to re-define this as 'sexually attractive' and then physically reacting with arousal but I breathe, I realize I re-live the connection with the words within my head and it is not real from the perspective of 'her and me'.
When I experience need for sexual activities - I check - it is a reaction towards impulses what automatically I define what I immediately stop to participate for or it is my human physical body what wants to experience gentleness, care, joy etc and I approach my partner who I agreed to do sex with.
When I am tired, I do not use sexual arousal by reacting to pictures/sounds to energetically boost me for not wanting to be tired instead of realizing that after the arousal I will be just more tired meanwhile I was just wheeling up energetically without myself as self being here.
When I face women who expose her body, I do not judge her, I do not blame her, I see: do I have inner reaction arising within me towards her or the image of her - and if yes, then I immediately stop, breathe, forgive, let go and delete the definition within me and committing myself to stop it and remain here physically without the tendency for needing to define women regarding to my definitions of attraction.
When I face with sexually explicit content within the media, especially ads and movies, I realize it is about money.

I commit myself to let go all inner definitions, preoccupations regarding to sex, regarding to women and be the Self-directive in all moments by being able to consider principle as 'what is best for all'.
I commit myself to let go of all existing definitions within me regarding to what is sexually attractive and what is not.
I commit myself to expose how the human mind operated regarding to energetic reactions/suppressions/compounding energetic personalities/characters what influence, control, even take over within my physical acting what is unacceptable.
I commit myself to expose the current media system and subliminal manipulation regarding to sex to educate us especially the children who come to this earth open and they are being programmed to be in fact the mind's sex-slave.
I commit myself to become entirelly physical being without the constant need for define things regarding to polarities such as good and bad, negative and positive.
I commit myself to remain unwavering, untouchable, constant and consistent within my presence, within my inner clarity of who I am and what is best for me and what is best for all.
I commit myself to do sex with partner who I agreed with only to not fuck around and not being directed by desires and 'jack in the box' suppressed desires what would take over and direct me to show equal and one what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
I commit myself to STOP the energetic mind to react to within and as me.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

It is time to level with my Self-dishonesties regarding to 'relationship' especially with 'woman'. I have a tendency to be influenced when I am among with people especially women - especially with the ones who I have a judgment as 'attractive'. Let's walk!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the relationships I participate within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that by allowing myself to be compromised while I am with others - in fact I am Self-dishonest because I allow myself to be influenced by others regarding to my own judgments regarding to them. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I give into the temptation of the mind by wanting to redefine my situation according to my past, in fact I am perceiving my current reality according to how I was in the past connected to dishonesties therefore still experiencing the moment by the mind influenced as my past right here as I still accept myself as Self-dishonest about it until I practically CHANGE. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am with others I have the tendency to compromise myself according to my inner definitions, assumptions, judgments having regarding to them and to myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I try to mould myself to the other who I am with momentary, then who I am as expression is being conditional, who I really am then is this relationship-condition what I allow myself to manifest. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I still give into the templation to simply be nice with people by the paradigm: "I allow and let you remain in your Self-dishonesty, but then please allow me to remain within my Self-dishonesty.". I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to do what others say to me simply because meanwhile I think 'by this I am good now' or thinking by logic about why it is good for me and then persuading myself for what I do it, what by myself I would not really do but for other's appretiation: simply yes. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost in the forest of consciousness relationship connections such as associations, memories of peaked experiences, by wanting to find, define, create myself according to these relationships instead of realizing that consciousness is very limited, programmable and conditional; and to trust mind as consciousness instead of trusting myself here unconditionally. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to my definitions of others, according to my definitions to women, according to my definition of 'good'/'cool'/'great' and by that definition I am of my own Self-dishonesties created limitations. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was avoiding to face this point, as "human relationships" within me directly by constantly occupying myself with issues arised by the very same thing, my preoccupied, predefined, preprogrammed inner reaction system what I've defined as trustworthy instead of realizing that this part of me can not be trusted at all, let's stick to the physical as body, as breath, as presence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the women I am with or I do meet according to my own definitions of 'women in the world' and in relation to 'these invidivual women around me' by participating within energetic polarities based on positive and negative such as thoughts, feelings, emotions. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to even acknowledge that it is noticable that I lose my Self-direction when I am with others, especially with certain 'categories' I put them within my head, and especially with certain individuals, for instance my partner, for instance those who call me friend. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the necessity and the urgent need for equalize human relationships within and as me by letting go of polarities, judgments, desires, fears - ALL one by one right here writing out on the blog as my Self-movement. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight against my desire - I am already of it so it is better to stop and see into me what I react inside and what for and by understanding how I created myself in a way what is certainly not the best for me and all - I can have a practical knowledge about myself regarding how to stop the Self-dishonesties within me what I experience. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have a tendency to convince myself about things how to be done even when I never had experience in it and by forcing to do so I am manifesting my preoccupied perceptions into physical what when I experience, I realize it is not what I exactly wanted. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I try to hide from people what I really want and by just playing the 'nice guy' meanwhile seeking for opportunities to let happen what I really want meanwhile showing a role, a personality, a mask about who I am. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not directing myself and my reality within absolute specificity - it is never what I want, it is always disappointing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself by expecting something meanwhile not doing everything for it to happen, what in fact I can - but allowing a some sort of hope or gambling in the equation what has the chance to reflect back my self-stopping and not being able to direct within princple. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what I really want from women and not even telling them directly and then suppressing my reactions what are about when I face I do not get what I expected. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself that from women what I really want and tell them, especially my partner. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I expect from my partner she might even know it at all and when we both expect without direct communication, we will be disappointed, frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I play polite and kind I can get everything what I want. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize exactly from who and when I am allowing myself to be influenced, only when somebody tells me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to fear from expressing myself who I am in the moment. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the personalities, characters I've created within and as myself are for dealing the fear within what can be written out, understand, forgive, let go and explore what is beyond systematic behaviour towards fear. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by the very starting point of fear from expressing who I am or who I perceive myself to be - I am stopping myself because I judge myself according to a 'conclusion' as 'fear' what I did in the past and it is long gone yet I still act 'within fear'. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am being attracted towards something or somebody - I am manifested by my own self-created definition according to the subject of my attraction and my judgments about it. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to play roles, personalities, characters when I am among others. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if somebody has his/her own self-judgments what he/she projects towards me - it is not my issue - but it is what I react to that.

I commit myself to face my entire mind as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as consequence as the physical. I commit myself to stop my entire inner reaction system such as thoughts, feelings, emotions to remain always here, directive, present, constant, consistent and unwavering. I commit myself to expose the human how it is being influenced, controlled, directed by the mind consciousness system, how we brought ourselves into this situation and how to stop it practically. I commit myself to explore, write down, share, forgive and stop all personalities within me what is still busy acting out as me automatically when I am with others, especially who I've defined as attractive. I commit myself to use the tools provided by Desteni such as Writing, Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, sharing, the courses(DIP, AGREEMENT course) to support and assist myself and my reality to stop the self-abuse and explore what means to LIVE. I commit myself to daily writings to have a consistent self-support part within my life wherein I can deal with points within me what are bugging me, what I see as Self-dishonesty and by writing out, forgiving myself, correcting myself and sharing myself I become these tools as myself without any definition or condition. I commit myself to be very specific within my daily writing sessions about even expressing it daily if I am in a situation what I could define as 'important' by realizing the commitment I make even if it means that I have to face that others would react to this as 'bad'. I commit myself to not convince myself with extreme polarities and theoretical and ethical conclusions what spare common sense and the practical physical reality. I commit myself to sort out my issue of judging emotions as bad and suppressing them until these energetically charge and take over within and as me to show equally and one what I have accepted and allowed within myself to manifest. I commit myself to remain constant, stable, unmoving day by day while I am alone and while I am with others regardless of anything. I move me undefined, I trust me undoubted, I direct myself as physical. I commit myself to be direct and simple regarding to women about what I want and what I do not want and not allowing myself to compromise my Process of letting go of the mind. I commit myself to immediately realize when I am compromising myself regarding to the ones who I define as attractive and start to react to my own definitions existing within me and then immediately be physical breath and STOP.