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No Matter How I Think About It

I’ve been spending
this past week with a lot of thoughts. I haven’t gone out from my parents’
house for about six
days now. I’ve been living my day to day like a zombie. I sleep during the day
and stay awake at night. I’m doing my research report yet I can’t seem to be
able to drag my body to come out from the house. I just currently don’t like
the idea of meeting people and having a pep-talk with anyone. Whenever I feel
tired of reading books or typing my report, I take some time listening to some
songs while thinking. Many things across my mind right now, mostly about the
past, present, and future of my love life. At this point, I wonder how my love
life would end up in the future. Do I really deserve happiness in terms of love
and romance relationship? I know I’ve hurt too many people to deserve
happiness. I have to live with my karma. Hence I believe that I do not deserve
happiness. Hence I believe that I deserve pain. However, I also realize that
there are things I cannot just let go like that, no matter how painful it is.
And one of those things is this love I have. And apparently my soul always
tends to go back to the person who feels like home; and that person is my
significant other.

“If I stay like this any longer,
if I remain like this, I think I’ll love you even more. If I stay like this any
longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I just won’t be able to leave you.”
–Sweet Sorrow, No Matter How I Think
About It (아무리생각해도난너를)

In the middle of my
melancholic moment, I recall this one song that depicts my current state of
mood really well. This is a Korean song titled “No Matter How I Think About It
(아무리생각해도난너를)”, performed by male vocals group, Sweet Sorrow, for the soundtrack of
2006 television series, “Alone in Love”. This ballad track was released as a
single on May 4th 2006, and later on May 8th 2006 was released as a part of the
album “Alone in Love OST”. “No Matter How I Think About It (아무리생각해도난너를)” was written and composed by Noh Young Shim and was arranged by Woo
Hyung Yoon. Lyrically, it depicts the main characters couple portrayed by Son
Ye Jin and Kam Woo Sung, as it follows the story of an ex-married couple that
apparently cannot let go of each other though they got separated because of a
great traumatic incident in their marriage life. Through a series of events in
their divorced life, they find out that they belong to be together in the end. I
really love the vocals harmonization of In Ho Jin, Song Woo Jin, Kim Young Woo,
and Sung Jin Hwan in this sweet-sorrow ballad. It reminds me that, no matter
how we think about it, there is always a person in whom our soul always tends
to go back to; it is the person in which we feel as home.

"Alone in Love OST" album cover | source: soompi.com

There are things that
we cannot just deny, no matter how hard we try to. There are things that no
matter how we think about it, we cannot just figure out why we feel that way.
There are things that no matter how hard we try to forget, we cannot just
forget. There are things that no matter how hard we try to turn our back away
from, we cannot just do that. And to be honest, for me personally, that one
particular thing is this love I have for my significant other. Even until the
point that it hurts me so much, I just cannot throw it all away, no matter how
I think about it. Even to the point that it makes me feel lonely in this fight
for love; I just cannot neglect it, no matter how I think about it. Even if he
just smiles and says nothing, I just cannot give it up just like that, no
matter how I think about it. “No matter
how I think about it, though I close my eyes like I’ve forgotten , though I
turn away like I don’t, if I just be a little more honest, I’m in, to the point
that it hurts this much, to the point that I look at you with these lonely
eyes, but you just smiled.”

There are things that
we cannot just ignore, no matter how hard we try to. There is always certain
person for everyone that they cannot just let go, no matter how many times they
have to be separated. There is always certain person for everyone that they
will return to, no matter how many times they’ve been apart before. There is
always certain person for everyone that will be their reality, no matter how
they’ve been told that it’s just a dream. There is always certain person for
everyone that they can always come back to, no matter how they’ve been told
that it’s really over. And to bravely acknowledge it, for me personally, that
person is my significant other. Even until the point that it hurts me so much,
I just cannot let it slip through my hands, no matter how I think about it.
Even it brings me to tears like this; I just cannot wave the white flag and
surrender to the situation, no matter how I think about it. “No matter how we go our separate ways, though
we split up day after day, though you’ve told me it’s just a dream, though
you’ve told me it’s really over, if I can just be brave this one time, I'm in,
to the point that you’ve hurt me this much, so much it brings me to tears like
this, I couldn’t bring myself to come near you and hug you again.”

Even though I cannot
come near him this time, I just cannot let it end just like this. Even though I
cannot give him a warm hug at this moment, I just cannot give it up just like
this. Even if I can only long for him from a far, even if I can only send my
prayer for him from a distant, I could love him even more. Even if I can only
watch over him from a far, even if I can only think of him from a distant, I
would not be able to leave him. “If I
stay like this any longer, if I remain like this, I think I’ll love you even
more. If I stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I
just won’t be able to leave you.” Even if I can only shed a tear for him
from a far, even if I can only hope for him from a distant, I could reach him.
Even if I can only stay like this longer, even if I can only miss him, even if
I can only hang around like this, I will love him more in every second of my
breath. “If I keep hanging around like
this, if I keep shedding tears like this, I think I’ll love you even more. If I
stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I think I might
just reach you.”

"Alone in Love" drama stills | source: sbs.co,kr

“I whisper it over my narrow shoulder; so much
it always gives me strength, like mild sunbeams drawing you near again and
wrapping arms around you.” There is always a person for everyone that can always give them
strength to walk on the rough path, in the way that cannot be explained. There
is always a person for everyone that can always draw them near again even when
they are far apart, in the way that cannot be described. And for me, that
person is my significant other. No matter how I think about it over and over
again, the answer is always him. No matter how I think about it over and over
again, every way leads me to him. No matter how I think about it over and over
again, he is my one and only that I cannot just let go. No matter how I think
about it over and over again, this love for him is the one that I cannot just
give up away. No matter how I think about it over and over again, us is the one that I want to keep
fighting for. No matter how I think about it over and over again, he is the one
that I need, because he is the one that I love, and he is the one that I could
love no matter how hard it was, how rough it is, and how painful it will be.

“If I keep hanging around like
this, if I keep shedding tears like this, I think I’ll love you even more. If I
stay like this any longer, if I keep looking at you like this, I think I might
just reach you.” –Sweet Sorrow, No
Matter How I Think About It (아무리생각해도난너를)

아무리생각해도난너를아무리생각해도난너를

(Amuri saenggakhaedo nan neoreul amuri
saenggakhaedo nan neoreul)

((No matter how I
think about it, no matter how I think about it))

잊은듯눈감아도난너를아닌듯돌아서도난너를

(Ijeundeut nungamado nan neoreul anindeut
doraseodo nan neoreul)

((Though I close my
eyes like I’ve forgotten, though I turn away like I don’t))

조금만솔직해도난너를그렇게아파하도록너를

(Jogeumman soljikhaejweo na neoreul geureohke
apahadorok neoreul)

((If I just be a
little more honest, I’m in, to the point that it hurts this much))

이렇게바라보도록쓸쓸한눈으로다만웃고만있었지

(Ireohke barabodorok sseulsseulhan nuneuro
daman utgoman isseotji)

((To the point that I
look at you with these lonely eyes, but you just smiled))

아무리헤어져도난너를매일또이별해도난너를

(Amuri heeojyeodo nan neoreul nae il tto
ibyeolhaedo nan neoreul)

((No matter how we go
our separate ways, though we split up day after day))