This is the online component of the humor section of the Argus, the Wesleyan University newspaper.

11/3/09

Is Professors Discovery Actually a Discovery?

Richard Thomas, associate professor of History and Government, stunned himself Monday with the groundbreaking revelation that the November 1963 Assassination of President Kennedy may have involved a conspiracy. Professor Thomas, one of the nation’s foremost scholars on the JFK Assassination, considers himself the first to question the findings of the 1964 Warren Commission.

“I realize that the following assertion may bring chills to the entire nation,” noted Thomas in a written statement, “but what if Oswald didn’t act alone? There’s this grassy knoll...I can’t believe we didn’t see it all before. What if there was a conspiracy involving Nixon, the Cuban mafia, or the Kanye West?

“Professor Thomas’s discovery is inspiring,” commented President Roth to the press. “He brings newfound pride to a university ever steeped in forward-thinking ideas, always treading where past scholars have not dared to tread.” University spokesperson David Pesci then whispered to President Roth the details of Thomas’s findings, after which the President was spotted scowling and mouthing, “Oh that motherfucker.”

“Seriously?” commented Devon Wilson, chair of the History Department, on Thomas’s research. “I mean, seriously? Is he fucking kidding me? That dude’s for real? Actually?”

Lee Harvey Oswald declined to comment on Thomas’s findings, citing privacy concerns. Professor Thomas’s most recent book, The Great Communicator’s Communication Breakdown: Proof That Reagan Was Senile All Along, is available now at Broad Street Books. In celebration of the landmark discovery, the Film Series schedule has been canceled; instead, the Goldsmith Family Cinema will be screening Abraham Zapruder’s 26-second footage of the Kennedy Assassination on repeat for two months.

Professor Thomas was arrested for drunk driving twice in August and once in September.