Two and a Half Men 2.0 1/2

February 26, 2011

Breaking news from a gutter in Hollywood seems to indicate Charlie Sheen has quit his hit sitcom, Two and a Half Men, in order to celebrate his month of rehab by nailing porn stars in the tropics. This probably has nothing to do with his radio call-in rant.

Jon Cryer has issued a terse “no comment.”

But if CBS plans to move ahead with the show, and you know the network will, because it’s a cash cow and probably the only show with a laugh track still pulling in watchers, here’s how to do it:

Have a Very Special Episode in which Charlie dies in a fire while saving his son. Charlie won’t be available, so the part can be played by that Estevez brother who isn’t working much lately, whatever his name is.

Oh yeah, Charlie has a son. And his name is Chuck. And he’s a piano prodigy. I know this only because I watched a rerun last night to see what all the fuss was about, and it was that episode. I may be wrong on some of the facts, because I was also reading the Wikipedia page about Two and a Half Men while it was on. I like the obnoxious housekeeper. She’s funny.

Jon Cryer’s character, whatever his name is, inherits the nice house while his gigantic half-man son moves in full-time and they team up to raise Little Chuck in order to help him avoid the pitfalls that faced Charlie Sheen. See? Now the title makes sense again. The Duckman was always the best part of the show, I think, but I might be basing that more on Morgan Stewart’s Coming Home.

Jenny McCarthy joins the cast as the new nanny, and she has some unusual ideas about how to raise children, leading to another Very Special Episode.

Once things settle down and he’s out of jail, and everyone is done sucking up and telling the media “it’s all behind us,” Charlie Sheen can do cameos as an Obi-Wan like character, glowing green and hovering in the air. Chuck Lorre probably won’t even need a special effects crew for that, actually.

Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen can purchase a small country in the Balkans and build an entire society devoted to pornography. Total cost: Nine bucks. At the end of the next season, Two and a Half Men will move to ABC, and then to the USA Network, and then fizzle out. It’s how things work, nerds. I know, because I read it on the Internet.

Thanks to CBS.com for the video and for the gracious offer to showrun the new take on the series, but sorry, I’m busy working on a reboot of Gene Roddenberry’s Andromeda.