Message Body:Read carefully…jonny dach was the White House staffer who had a prostitute in his room during the “secret service ” scandal last year. He told me this himself…my friend even called the Hilton in Cartagena and confirmed he was checked in there. His daddy Leslie dach, google him, has massive influence and had WH cover it up in return for favors. Jonny bragged about this to me!

She never forwarded it to me last year and considering most of the messages that come in through that contact form are Russian spam or marketing bots, I didn‘t see or notice it during the transition period at the end of that spring semester. Christina herself had forgotten about it until she went searching for her original email exchange with Dach and found this instead.

I emailed the Gmail account attached to “Veritas“ but received a domain error (again, if you are the author of this message, please email tips@ivygateblog.com). The date of this message is about two weeks before the other comment‘s timestamp–perhaps Dach got a little too drunk during an end-of-the-year Yale Law School celebration and “bragged” about it to our now-famous poet?

This came as no surprise to me because this entire story had been told in an anonymous comment on a Yale Rumpus article over a year ago. Full disclosure: I have been on the Rumpus staff since my freshman year and served as its Editor-in-Chief during the 2013-2014 school year. During the transitionary period at the end of the Spring 2013 semester, I was fucking around on the website’s WordPress account, looking through old posts and comments, and discovered the following.

Posted by “Sarah“ from a Hushmail account on May 5th, 2013 on the 2012 Secret Society Issue, the annual roster release of Yale’s secret societies:

Found 100 copies of this poem at a printnow…Who/what is this?

Little Jonny DachWith his little Jonny cockHas a secret he wants no one to know…

He once took a tripAttached to Obama’s hipOff to Colombia he did go…

The plane barely touched downwhen out on the townLittle Jonny decided to play…A young Colombian girlieHad his tongue wagging thoroughlyHe dug into his pocket and paid…

Off to the roomWith no sign of doomLittle Jonny, well, he lasted seconds…With a giggle she left,And he, feeling bereft,Washed his crotch since his day it still beckoned..

Then a media bombAnd it didn’t take longfor the White House to turn out a tale…“An error!” they claimed“A number glitch!” they did blameThere is no one but agents to assail!

Once again Daddy’s powerSaved little Jonny in a dark hourBut the Service will soon grab your ear…

You see, Skull and Bones, Book and ‘Snakes’,You children play at the game of intell.There is a lesson you will learnWhen true heroes are burnedTheir enemies are marched into hell…

So listen up Yale and Harvard and suchYour shit it doth stinketh the sameWhen the day is long overAnd Daddy Leslie is covered in cloverThey will wish they never played this game.

I promptly googled Dach and, at the time, the only other relevant mention of him online was this New Yorker article about volunteer drivers for the presidential motorcade. I thought about placing a call to the Hilton Cartagena Hotel, realized that I didn’t know how to place an international call that wouldn’t result in massive overcharge on my phone bill, and promptly forgot about it in the rush of finals.

I hadn’t thought about it until January of this year, when Dach reached out to Rumpus to ask that the comment be removed. He had been forwarded to me by the prior Editor-in-Chief (Christina, in this thread). An excerpt of the email exchange is below:

Christina forwarded your message to me. I haven’t received any emails from you in my inbox or spam folder (did you spell my name correctly?) but I’ve gone ahead and blocked the comment from the site. I don’t enjoy removing things from the Rumpus website and I’m not sure why Master Laurans contacted you so recently considering that comment has been up for probably months. I’m rather busy at the moment so I’ve just gone ahead and resolved your complaint.

Andrea, thanks very much for removing the two identical comments–and sorry to have had to ask. I was editor of The New Journal and would have been similarly unenthusiastic about taking something off out [sic] website. I hope it was okay in this instance since it was a user’s comment and unrelated to any Rumpus content. And I really do appreciate it.

Not sure how the two e-mails went awry but also grateful you deleted the posts so quickly once Christina put us in touch.

Hope the semester is off to a good start!

It should be noted that in his original message to the prior EIC, he never denounces the poem as false—he calls it “strange and vituperative,“ but not false. I did feel bad for him, as the comment showed up as the second search result on “Jonny Dach.“ But I didn’t delete entirely‪; I hid it from view and the comment remained on the back end of the website, as part of the WordPress comment tracker.

The poem isn’t particularly impressive in its rhyme scheme but it does get eerie around the seventh stanza (I checked the Rumpus archives, and the 2008 society issue lists Dach as a member of Book and Snake). It’s a weird call to arms against privileged assholes, perhaps written by a surly Secret Service agent who’s mad this kid got away with it (if you are the author or know who it is, please email tips@ivygateblog.com). It’s unclear whom those 100 copies were meant for or where they ended up but perhaps this post will give that author the recognition they were so desperately craving. Ultimately, I believe the blame lies with the White House for covering it up, not Dach—go ahead and hire a prostitute if it’s legal. It’s dumb but, as a non-essential team member, not the biggest threat to national security.

Dach now works as a full-time policy adviser in the Office on Global Women’s Issues for the U.S. State Department.

“I am honored to have been selected as the next leader of this remarkable institution,” Garrett said in a statement released by the University. “Cornell is one of the world’s truly great universities, with a stellar commitment to excellence in teaching, research, scholarship and creative activity, linked with a deep commitment to public engagement. I am excited to join the Cornell community and to work with the faculty, staff, students and alumni to chart the next chapter in its illustrious history.”

Proving that graduate school has more value as performance art than career advancement, part-time actor James Franco is back at Yale to continue his Ph.D studies in English Literature. According to his favorite publication, the Rhodes Scholar has been dropping by various sections of Major English Poets, a lovingly hated, required undergraduate course for English majors. A nine-time Oscar nominee, Franco has been known to draw on the works of Chaucer and Spenser as inspiration for such engrossing roles as “James Franco“ in This Is the End and “James Franco“ in Creepy Instagram Nudes.

We are breathlessly awaiting to see the Presenting: the Democratic Nominee for Presidential Candidate 2016, James Franco! ’s live-action sci-fi adaptation of The Faerie Queene.

(Ed. Note: If you have blurry pictures of Marina-Abramovic’s stunt double, James Franco, walking around New Haven, send them to tips@ivygateblog.com)

Take a trip down memory lane to four years ago, when men were real, the brotherhood was real, and fraternities at Yale were raw:

In October 2010, Delta Kappa Epsilon pledges stood on Old Campus, shouted obscenities about co-eds and took the meaning of consent for a spin. For some unknown reason, the Yale Daily News report on this event has reappeared on the front page of its website–it appeared first under the Most Popular heading yesterday (it’s still there today, trailing after some articles from the Opinion section).

We’re about a month away from the official move-in date for the Yale College Class of 2018 and many of them are sitting at home pondering deep questions like “how big will my room be?” and “will I make friends?” Entering college is apparently the most terrifying experiencing one can go through—and Yale’s official guide for incoming students is no longer enough. Yale18 has all the answers you never needed and should not be looking for under any circumstances. Created by two members of the Class of 2017 and one from 2018 (what are you doing you haven’t even arrived on campus yet), Yale18 is basically a compilation of past “guides to freshman year,” an absurd Google Doc template to figure out where each one of your roommates is traveling from, and some links to free shit.

The New York Post and the New York Times have recently regaled us with delightful anecdotes about what Ivy League rejects and non-rejects did to gain admission into the school(s) of their dreams. College consultants are nothing new but the industry has reached such a level of absurdity that it seems like satire.

See Jill Tipograph, who runs “Everything Summer,” a combination travel agency/college consulting firm that helps parents figure out which Third World Country should host their offspring for a few weeks a personalized summer itinerary for pre-college teens who need application essay material–for $300/hour. We wonder what Tipograph would have to say about the Yale applicant mentioned in the Times article, who forewent exotic travels in favor of a more… domestic experience:

“[Her essay] mentioned a French teacher she greatly admired. She described their one-on-one conversation at the end of a school day. And then, this detail: During their talk, when an urge to go to the bathroom could no longer be denied, she decided not to interrupt the teacher or exit the room. She simply urinated on herself.”

Would Everything Summer encourage this sort of behavior? What if you urinate on yourself and, AT THE SAME TIME, you’re climbing the Great Wall of China? God, we miss the days when you could just donate a blank check and be done with it (but, you know, the One Percent just isn’t what it used to be).

Dartmouth has always been the problem child of the Ivy League, but President Hanlon’s summit last week on the “extreme behavior” plaguing the university is an unexpectedly candid admittance of the many toxic and harmful practices that characterize parts of student life on the Dartmouth campus. The school is notorious for its Greek life antics and threats of sexual violence on campus—the acquittal of Parker Gilbert, formerly D’16, now a former Dartmouth student, accused of raping a fellow classmate, has been the subject of nationwide media attention.

Unconditional Raves

IvyGate has been featured in the New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, Boston Globe, New York Observer, Newsweek, New Yorker, and other publications, as well as NBC, MSNBC, Fox News, Drudge Report, Gawker, The Huffington Post, Wonkette, Jezebel, The Awl, and many more. Most are horrified.