A Heated Debate Between Two Charismatic Geniuses: A Cardinal Fan (Jeff Lung) and a Tiger Fan (Allen Krause)

Ode to the Mustachioed

It’s only Wednesday and already it has been a long week. After getting up at 5 a.m. the last two days to watch the Tokyo series, dealing with the stress of work and setting Allen in his place after his slanderous Filibuster, I finally found myself with some downtime. So I turned on my television this evening only to find that it had decided to stop working. To my utter dismay, this happened right in the middle of (daresay!) American Idol. In response, I did what any constrained adult male would do — I hit it as hard as I could, over and over and over again.

It didn’t work.

So it is with ice on my swollen fists and sunglasses over my bulging bloodshot eyes that my mind meanders down that strange path somewhere between dementia, destruction and delusion, which aren’t all that different really. Just ask Dubya.

Jack Morris. That’s who we’ve been discussing the last few days. And after lobbying for him (and discrediting Allen as a Tiger fan) it appears that the more pressing matter regarding the HOF snub is actually his trademark mustache:

"…Jack Morris should get in, if for nothing else, for the unwavering sporting of the 80’s p0rn mustache…over his career. That could quite possibly be a better statistic for consistency than his winning seasons."
Posted by: Tim D. |
March 26, 2008 10:42 AM on The Filibuster

Indeed, Tim. That’s what I’ve been trying to say all along. You just said it better. Let’s take a look at some other famously mustachioed Hall of Famers…

Dennis Eckersley. Like Morris, Eckersley sported this slick-styled "p0rno mustache" during his entire career. I’m not sure if the ‘stache ever led to having to talk to women while naked, but something must’ve been working because that slider was wicked! (except that one hanger to Gibson) At his 2004 Hall of Fame induction ceremony, he was still wearing this trademark blue-collar everyday-joe ‘stache that women seemed to have loved in the 70s and 80s. I tried it once. Didn’t get very far with it. Maybe if I had a slider…

Goose Gossage. Another mustachioed reliever of the game who still carries on the signature ‘stache years, decades past his playing career. Seems to work pretty well because Goose is still scary as ****. In childhood, I refused to collect Goose’s baseball cards because I was convinced he was the devil incarnate, evil, the boogeyman… that he would sneak in my room and knock me down with high heat.

Rollie Fingers. Fingers is proof that there is always room in the starting rotation for a Civil War general. An integral part of the Charlie Finley dynasty, Rollie was paid a bonus for growing a wildly interesting mustache. Who knew he would keep it for the rest of his life — the mustache and the bonus… or that he wouldn’t ever pay taxes on said bonus… or ever pay taxes at all?

Perhaps it is true that the man can’t make the mustache but the mustache can definitely make the man… that is, if anyone were to ever say that. In the meantime…

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