…when I said I was taking a hiatus from writing here. Seriously. But I just HAD to come and tell you:

PUDDING PASSED LEVEL 1 SWIMMING!

What a freaking relief. And so much for that “pep talk” from the Tech Guru. “You’re gonna fail son. Just fuck it.”

Okay, so that’s not EXACTLY how it went down and I know he was only trying to prepare the boy for the worst but it only made Pudding take the attitude that he was probably going to fail anyhow, who fucking cares, he just wants the lollipop. TOTAL change from the first time around. And although it practically KILLED me to see him sobbing his little heart out when he had to repeat the level, I wasn’t so keen on this new attitude he’d adopted, the one where he kept walking around the house blithely announcing, “I probably won’t pass.”

Methinks it was a bit of a defense mechanism, but still.

He was so damned CONVINCED that he wasn’t going to pass that when I told him he HAD passed, a look of shock plastered his face. Then the big grin broke out and he wanted to grab the sheet and see what it said, which was hilarious because he can’t READ yet, but I showed him the big PASS that was circled on the front and he sounded it out and then just grinned at me.

That made my day.

That and the fact that I felt like shit warmed over on a stove, but still forced myself to sweat through my workout. Take THAT, bitches. (I don’t exactly know who the bitches are, but it sounds gangsta and I like saying stuff like that when I get my workout on.)

Oh, and remember my good friend Mark, the one I told you about whose website you needed to check out immediately? He’s kind of making my life complicated by saying that this thing I do here could be very valuable memories for me as the kids grow older. And he’s kind of right. I mean, half the time I can’t even remember where I’ve put my goddamn PHONE, so you can believe that these juicy tidbits will escape my mind as time goes by. Like today’s gem:

Once, when I had taken Pudding to swim class, I forgot to pack underwear for him to put on afterwards. So, as I explained this to him and helped him to put on his pants, I said, “I guess you’re going commando today.”

New in Mens Hosiery: The Penis Stocking

‘What’s commando?” he asked.

“It’s when you don’t wear underwear,” I replied. Which frankly, if you’re hanging like this dude to the right here, I would think commando would be a better option. I mean, what the fuck is going on here? Is his penis about to rob a bank?

“Oh.”

So today, we’re rushing out the door and of course, I do the same shit again. We’re in the locker room, I’m rifling through the bag – no underwear.

“I forgot your underwear, kiddo,” I told him.

“Oh. I guess I’m going pronto, then,” he replied calmly.

PRONTO.

So thank you, Mark, because in a few years I will have forgotten the day when my son said he was going PRONTO and now…I can always look back on it and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Last night’s convo coming out of the shower was also a doozy. I mean, this kid covers about 20 topics in 4 minutes.

“Mom, when I’m older can I have a man jewelry box?” he asked me.

“Uh, sure, I guess. If you need one.”

“Do they have man’s jewelry boxes?”

“Yes, they do. But you only need one if you wear a lot of jewelry, really.”

“Daddy doesn’t wear a lot of jewelry.”

“Nope, he doesn’t.”

“He only wears that one ring all the time. Why?”

“That’s his wedding ring.”

“You have a ring too.”

“Yes, I do. That’s MY wedding ring.”

“Why do they match?”

“Because we’re married to each other so we got rings that match. It’s like we’re partners.”

“Is it gold?”

“Actually it is.” I knew what was coming next.

“It doesn’t LOOK gold.”

“Well, we actually chose a white gold. So although it looks silvery, it’s really gold.”

“Oh. Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to get married.”

“That’s perfectly fine sweetie, you absolutely do NOT have to get married.”

“But I DO want to have a girlfriend when I’m a teenager.”

“That’s fine, too.” (Actually, it’s really not, so now I will have to figure out where to bury the bodies. We do have a huge yard…)

“I got lots of people to choose from.”

“Oh really?” I replied drily.

“Yes! I mean, there’s like hundreds of people in the world! Right?”

“Yes, that’s true. Even thousands.”

“See what I mean?” he said with a grin.

“Yes.”

Girlfriends, gold, and mans jewelry boxes. Oh! And marriage. Really, more conversations should be like this. Say what the fuck is on your mind, even if it has ZERO relevance to what anyone else just said or even what YOU just said, and just SAY shit. I love this. This is how I talk and it’s why some people find it so hard to have a conversation with me, because my mouth is keeping up with my head and my head is ALL OVER THE PLACE. And this is why I can keep up with my son, because I totally get that his mind is just ON THE MOVE and he’s throwing shit out there. ZERO filter. LOVE this kid.

So am I back? No. Not for REALS reals, but I just had to share that Pudding PASSED. That was AWESOME. And now…I am going to go and get a nice big fat piece of cheesecake and TOTALLY NEGATE MY ENTIRE WORKOUT.