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8.02.2015

Jerry Springer to Run for President as Republican to "Add Some Civility and Decorum"

STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Jerry Springer, the host of The Jerry Springer Show and former Democratic mayor of Cincinnati, announced he was changing parties so he could run for the Republican presidential nomination. Springer said he was running to "add some civility and decorum" to the Republican field of candidates, which he described as "lying Neanderthal clowns."

"I am running for president as a Republican, because the current field of Republican candidates aren't fit to be on The Jerry Springer Show, never mind being president. I've asked every one of them to come on my show to face an audience with solid question-asking skills, and they have all declined," stated Springer, who was flanked by his security guards.

Springer added, "So I have decided to bring the show to those lying Neanderthal clowns, and add some civility and decorum to the Republican field. I am already polling better nationally than half of my opponents, and will be bringing my best audience members to the Fox News debate with me on Thursday."

Republican front-runner Donald Trump condemned Springer's announcement and stated, "Jerry Springer is a joke. He is only doing this because I refused to boost his show's ratings and let some lady lawyer confront me about calling her 'disgusting' when she took a recess to pump breast milk."

Fox News confirmed Springer would participate in Thursday's debate, and he had acquired approximately 100 seats. It also confirmed they had no control over who he gave them to, but had asked Springer to tell his guests to refrain from howling"Jer-ry!, Jer-ry!" during the debate.

Springer said he would have a daily "Final Thought" as president just like he does on The Jerry Springer Show, and that today he thought Donald Trump "should try harder not to be an pompous ass."