Update: It's been over a month now since I found this site and I'm glad I did. People here get me, and understand a lot of the things that I still don't understand yet but I want to. My last counselor got some funds donated to pay for counseling, and I start again with her next week. I'm down for that as I so much want to keep moving forward, no matter how tough that is. I also wrote 3 poems now and that helps too. Was talked into trying and I'm glad I did. They are not easy to write, but once I get them out of my head I feel better, so it's like moving forward too. I know I have to much living ahead to give up now, so I'm not giving up. Thank you everyone for caring. I feel safe here, and understood too.

Edited by BuffaloCO (09/20/1211:35 AM)

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�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

I am in my second week of counseling now, back again after a year off. It is going well and is giving me a lot of hope. I'm updating this as I cant really believe almost 1000 people have read my intro. I dont see my self as unique, but I do see myself as getting healed and I know I'll be free of all this. I believe we can all get there too. We are not defined by our abuse or what the abusers said we were. I believe too that our experiences have given us a strength to overcome the past. I will continue to move forward!

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�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

Update: Feel like I have run into a stumbling block, maybe two of them and maybe this is why we go to counselors. Several people tell me they look at me and sometimes see "angry dude". My T says I have a right to be angry, and we worked through all of that I thought. Others tell me it's not good to project any anger when you are trying to get a job and back into school. I get frustrated now because I need a job to be able to get back to school to pay for it, and employers tell me I need more school. I was supposed to start school again in August, but lost my scholarship because the eligibility rules changed, so I'm on academic hold till January.

The second thing is worse. I am starting to remember something now about a man I hung out with when I was like 8. I have not thought about him in a long time and all I really remember is that he was always nice to me. He gave me chocolate and rides on a tractor. (He worked on a golf course near our house.) I remember going to his maintenance shop too but I don't remember anything bad ever happening. My T says our minds start to reveal stuff to us as we become ready to understand it. I don't want to go any further with this memory as he was always nice to me as far as I can recall. So I don't know what to do except tell my T about it. It's bad enough remembering what I already do, and really don't want to see any more. How do we know if something really happen? Feeling confused, but I'm not giving up. It's just one more thing on my list of things to learn still about life. I just hate being confused.

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�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

I so feel your pain buff. I recently came across a memory that is unpleasant too I try so hard not to think about scary things things I feel might be something I dont want to remember. truth is though there are some good memories too. and I dont know that we can get where we need to be without taking the risk of looking at these things. I really hope that this memory of yours is a hugely positive, wonderful memory but if it is not then we will be here.

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Either I will find a way, or I will make one.Philip Sidney

You have a right to some pleasant memories too. Not every memory is something to fear. I just remembered as a pre-CSA kid, walking to town every week with my pocket full of change to buy the latest Superman comic book. They cost 10 cents then. I also loved, Batman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and OMG WONDERWOMAN! My first crush. I would wait till I got home to my room to read it, then I would read it over and over. I remember being HAPPY! No one can take that from me.

Jude

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I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

Wanted to let you all know my T says we can work on anger. She says she knows it's there and also knows I'm afraid of of it. Getting angry only gets me into trouble, but I think she knows how to deal. That's good because I dont'. She also has me talking to my first guy T tomorrow. I'll do it because my T trusts him and I trust her. It wont be fun, but it will be good for me I'm pretty sure. Ive never talked to any guy in person about specific details, and only a few about being molested in general, and hit/verbally trashed. I talked to him on the phone and he sounds nice, but even that was hard. Still I'll do it, turning back or stopping....neither of those would be good.

On the memory, I don't see anything more there and nothing bad. Herman was just being a genuinely nice man to a little kid who didn't have a lot of love. Today people would say he was trying to groom me, but he had plenty of chances to do whatever he wanted because by the time I met him at like 8, I already know how to perform. He never did anything but be kind, and I'm holding on to that memory as a good one...:)

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�We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.� - Plato

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