Kellen Winslow May Have Been Masturbating in His Car While Using Synthetic Marijuana in November (Update)

Back in November, Jets tight end Kellen Winslow was caught using synthetic marijuana in his car in East Hanover, N.J. and later charged with possession of synthetic marijuana. Embarrassing? Eh, yes. But it's certainly not the most embarrassing arrest story we've ever heard. That is, until we heard the whole story.

As it turns out, Winslow didn't get caught with synthetic marijuana because someone saw him using it. He also didn't caught when the police pulled him over for a traffic infraction or anything like that. Rather, Winslow got caught because a woman called police after she saw what she thought was a man sitting in his car outside of a Target masturbating. According to a police report, the woman got out of her car at the Target in East Hanover, N.J., "observed the males erect penis," and then called the cops to report what the man was doing.

When police arrived on the scene, they found Winslow sitting inside of his Cadillac Escalade and asked him what he was doing. He told them that he was trying to locate a Boston Market (Editor's note: HAHAHA! Is that what the kids are calling it these days?!). However, an officer observed two open containers of Vaseline in his car as well as plastic bags marked "Mr. Happy" and "Funky Monkey." They allowed Winslow to leave a short time later after he consented to a search of his car. But he was charged with possession of synthetic marijuana on December 30 after lab tests revealed that the plastic bags in the car contained synthetic weed. He was not charged with regards to the alleged masturbation.

You can check out the full police report over here. But just a warning: You'll never be able to look at Winslow—or Boston Market!—the same way again after you read it. WTF, dude?!

UPDATE:

Winslow's publicist released a statement a short time ago about this incident and, specifically, about the masturbation claim.

"Kellen pulled over to a parking lot to smoke what he thought at the time was a legal substance," the statement said, according to ESPN New York. "He changed his clothes in his vehicle as to not smell like smoke when he returned home. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate that took place and if there was police would have investigated further and charged Kellen which they did not. This will be the only time we will comment on this unfounded and ridiculous claim."

Wait, but what about Boston Market?! No mention of that in the statement?

UPDATE 2:

OMG, how great is Mike Francesa's reaction to the Winslow story? Ha. Hilarious.