7.21.2014

"Better Send this to Everyone!"

Every office has one: the person who just can't stop sending company-wide emails that really don't need to be sent. I'm not talking helpful stuff, like "It's Wayne's birthday so there are cupcakes in the break room." That's important shit people need to know. I'm talking shit like "Here are my photos from my trip to the botanical gardens this week!" or "I know we're spread out in multiple offices across the country but I figured all 1200 of you would enjoy seeing pictures of my daughter for some reason."Making things worse is the fact that every office always has 10-20 people who might not overshare on company email, but definitely abuse the "reply all" function of their email. These psychos come out of the woodwork any time there's a new hire, with their "WELCOME TO THE TEAM STEVE" and sharing of various GIFs to prove their excitement.Let me just state, for the record, that a reply all welcome message is not a sincere way to communicate. It is the email equivalent of standing in the middle of a crowded room and announcing, loudly, to everyone in attendance: "I AM SAYING HELLO TO TOM. DOES EVERYONE SEE ME DOING THIS? I WANT CREDIT FOR BEING NICE TO TOM."If you really want to say hello and welcome someone, do it in a personal fucking email directly to them.The combination of these two types of people can lead to some hellish email chains in which a boring, not-at-all-relevant fact is shared, and then 500 people must chime in with things like "Yes!" or "Way to go!" or "Woop woop!" or whatever. When I was doing time in Amazon's offices they would periodically send out company-wide emails shaming people who dare to reply all. And that's pretty much the one practice of Amazon's I can support with a clean conscience.Today, though, marks a new level of overshare. Lo and behold, this was waiting for me in my inbox this morning:

I'm not this person's friend. I'm barely an acquaintance. I'm certainly not anything to this person that would indicate I should know this information or would do anything once presented with it. And even if I was, they didn't send it to me. They sent it to Team Announcements. You know, where stuff like new hires and promotions and product launches are announced. Because of course your significant other would appreciate you divulging her miscarriage to a thousand or so strangers immediately after it happened.

I totally understand that this is a traumatic thing, and one would probably want some solace and comfort. But that is why one cultivates actual fucking FRIENDS instead of bombarding your coworkers with this shit.

And of course I'm going to spend the rest of my day deleting hundreds of reply alls. "DOES EVERYONE SEE ME OFFERING CONDOLENCES?!"

UPDATE: People are now hitting "reply all" and sharing their own miscarriage stories. What the actual fuck.