funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

The Twix Conspiracy

According to reports we’re receiving here at PAN headquarters, it appears that proletarians with a predilection for the chocolate-cookie-caramel confection known as Twix are battling Soviet-like conditions in order to procure their precious candy bars.

In some areas, workers are forced to pay a hefty premium (unlike the bosses and bigwigs upstairs).

If you can’t cook your own snack-dope and bring it from home, at least have the sense to stop at a supermarket (or even convenience store)
on the way to/from work and stock up on what you know you’ll be jonesing for. You don’t have to put it in the fridge unprotected from prying eyes and pirating fingers just because it’s chocolate.

You ain’t fooling anybody into thinking you’re anything but overpaid and slow-witted when you depend on an office vending machine for your fix.

The Crucifixion Considered as a Downhill Slide in the Big Apple
(apologies directly to John/Taupin; obliquely to Omartian/Summer)

She’s a big girl, she’s standing six foot three
Turning Twix for the dudes in the big city…
And she’s looking real pretty,
Just waitin’ for her clientele.
He want to take you from the racket boss
He want to save you but the cause is lost…

The whole thing seem problematic, Splint. You don’t get to check for bad spots, they’re not refrigerated, and then they get bruised dropping down. And god only knows what kind of detritus they’re falling into. I wouldn’t risk it. I’m picky about my fruit.

I subscribe to the karmic law of vending machines. If I get something bad or if I get ripped off and the machine just takes my money or doesn’t give me change, I just let it go. Lots of people take the time to write notes “This machines owes me $0.35. Please contact me at …” I believe the universe does not like those people. It so happens that I am mostly very lucky with vending machines. To the point where my friends have commented on my abilities to get 2-for-1s and extra change. Sometimes I go by them, hit a button and something pops out, without even paying. Take heed.

The history of all hitherto existing candy is the history of class struggles.
What the bourgeoisie, therefore, produces, above all, are its own granola bars. Its fall and the victory of the proletariat are equally inevitable.

Maybe Twix is okay for Buddhists and Christians, but I’m sure Muslims prefer Mounds/Almond Joy. Haven’t you heard the old saying… “If the Mounds will not come to Mohammed, then Mohammed will go to the Mounds?”

I actually think it might be kind of representing a circle, which would tie in with other religions in the area (mandalas) – like a circle with the circumference (?) not drawn. But that is just my own personal Jesus theory.

If I were the vending machine guy and got the last note, I’d be sure to poison all those chocolatey candies like those evil trick-or-treater murderers did/do … by the way, when was the last time someone actually poisoned the Halloween candy they were giving out? I remember having to inspect my candy before I ate it as a kid. Is that still a concern these days?

No. No one actually does this. I’m sure many parents are still freaking out about it, but it doesn’t actually happen. I, myself, remember the days of yore when I went trick-or-treating and my mom would carefully inspect every item in our sacks. I got a few stomaches, but only from overeating sugary crap.