After a few morsels – “Waiter! What is this? Is this meat? No? Sure? It tastes like meat. How do I know? I just know. Sure? Ok.”

ps: A particularly nasty subtype of Paranoid Tension Party has the ugly habit of forcing non-vegetarians to order veggie food when eating out with them. And there is also The Thoondivuttufier whose aim in life is to disclose the presence of animal cells in every dish to paranoid tension parties. “Dei. Did you know that this sauce contains meat? Did you know that milk here is also non-veg? Cos cows are made to eat beef. Did you know Mexican beans contain ham?”

The Dayoffweeker

“I will have the vegetable fa-jee-ta with jala-peen-os and taar-till-aas”

“Dei? Ennada? Veg-aa?” (Hey? What dude? Veg today?)

“Innikki Tuesday da”

“Oh. Ok. Hanumaan matteraa?”

“Yes”

The Kashtamizer

Is bold enough to order seemingly non-veg items and instruct the kitchen to de-nonvegize it.

“Can I have the Thai chicken pizza without chicken?”

“Can I have the Double-Quarter-Pounder with cheese, without the patties?”

“Can I have steak and mashed potato, without the steak?”

The Ultrakashtamizer

Is the most adventurous of the lot. Generally tends to create new menu items on the fly.

“Can I have the Baja Chalupa, without the beef, and add beans and onions instead?”

“Can I have the Pasta Neapolitana without ham, and could you add grilled onions, bell peppers and chilli flakes?”

The Almostnonveggie

Orders Pepperoni pizza, and removes pepperoni pieces by himself. Eats fries because it does not taste meaty. Enjoys the occasional soup if the meat pieces are not too visible. General philosophy is – Eat anything as long one does not know that it’s non-vegetarian.

So that was it. But amidst all the work pressure, I must mention that I did have some fun teaching my cousin’s kids Madras Tamizh. After all, what’s cuter than a 4 year old girl addressing her dad “Nainaaa. Epdi keera?” (Dear respectful father. How art thou? )

30 thoughts on “The Grand Adventures in Hawa Hawa City (the complete lack of them, i.e)”

Dude!! nassthi post ma!! Being an ultrakashtamizer myself, I really frown upon the categories above (too finicky and not adjusting to US lifestyle..bloody pazhams) and look in disgust upon the almostnonveggie…(how can you touch pepperoni with your hands!!)

1. Chinese restaurant in US for the Indian palette when Thai is always a possibility?
2. Of all the pizza joints in Chicago – California Pizza Kitchen ?!? I wanted to email you that there is a Gino’s East in the town you were staying.

First of all, 2 and a half days in Chicago is way too less.
Secondly, great post as usual.
Thirdly, there is the variety that can be called “Calorie freaker”. They can walk into any restaurant and then scan the menu for fat-free, cholestrol-free, sugar-free, cheese-free items.
“Tho da! Veetlae thair sadham saaptu vara vendiyadhu dhaanae!”
I would consider myself “The Slightly Aventurous Takenorisker” and therefore tend to give my demanding palette a lot of variety.

Calif Piz Kit is primarily a suburban institution quite popular with desi preteens and their Moms.

You’d actually have been better off going to the Aurora TempLLLL. At least you’d have got a decent serving of obbatt on trace paper. (No extra charge for the trace paper or for the ghee). The TempLLLL is Telugu free on weekdays 🙂

What about an Amma subtype of the vagan?
I mean the orthodox Maami who will not eat cake or ice cream because of gelatin and egg (don’t even trust eggless cakes made in commercial bakeries), drink water from the glass of non-veg homes, and yet.
And yet, when they visit the son/nephew they trust (because he is a religious, obedient pullai), they have a great time eating at his place, oblivious of the fact that the same plates were used for the Beef tamale last week, and the baklava she relished was not really vegetarian, in spite of son/nephew assuring them “Amma, idhulai onnum illaiyakkum, kettayyo!?”
Great post, BTW!

I used to work in McDonalds during my studies in UK. I have all all the types of customers you have mentioned. Infact i have seen so much of them that once they enter i know what they want. When I place the order for them with the kitchen (My roommate was in kitchen), they get totally annoyed.

Infact my roommate goes a step further and adds a bit of beef oil to the burger, spits on the patties, stamps them with his dirty shoes and places fresh lettuces on it with sauce and packs them up.

Haha.. Thats the story behind the screen in almost many places. Be careful not to irrrrritate the chefs…

Subbudu,
I suppose ones upbringing plays a part. I have no problems with any of these types except the ones who absolutely insist that colleagues and friends eating out with them must become temporarily herbivorous 🙂

Arun,
Family took me out on Saturday pa, couldnt say no 🙂 Will definitely catch up with you the next time Im there.

Clarissa/Vivek,
Born a takenorisker, brought up as an adventurous takenorisker, turned into a kashtamizer on first trip to the US and went onto become an almostnonveggie. Right now, I am a completely new type, not listed above. Veg at my home, Justalittlebittaster at wife’s home.

Rambodoc,
Heheh.

Srini,
The only free time I had was 3 hours on Saturday morning, and I let my cousin and family decide, and they took me to B&N, where I had to buy a China Mieville Sci-fi novel for my youngest brother, and then to CPK for lunch, where we had Thai Chicken pizza without chicken and Thai Noodles without shrimp. After that, it was a mad rush to O’Hare and a costly missing out on seat rows 24,32, 33A/K, 54 and 55 and thus had a long painful 15 hour flight back home on seats designed for hobbits.

Maxdavinci,
5 years ago, I once visited Red Lobster and tried ordering a totally overcustomized burger. The waiter got confused (it was Texas) and called the chef, who came, took detailed instructions (like “grill onions, bellpeppers, mushrooms and chilli flakes, add cheese and serve between 2 toasted buns”) and actually served me what he considered to be the most unique burger in the world (“world” = Texas, of course)

Heheheh good one. Hate hanging out with the paranoid tension party types. Here’s my fave:

The podi payal:
Orders a bowl of steamed rice, asks for a carton of yoghut, mixes them up. Then orders a round of french fries.. and voila, dips into a bag and emerges with a dabba of home made masala powder which he proceeds to sprinkle over the french fries, to the utter amazement of the entire restaurant.

“Heaven”, he will say, and gulp the thair sadham and curry-powdered french fries with aplomb. This story will be repeated 100 times back in India in suitable settings like weddings or upanayanams, with all maamis beaming suitably.

A veggie loser:
It was a beautiful sunny afternoon at an outdoor table meant to people-watch by the Champs Elysees.And all I could do was order a burger.
Then, the waiter slapped a burger with a fish-o-fillet type thingie. I squeaked, “Feesh?” and he barked “Jah?” and plucked it out and slapped the burger back with a beef patty and went back to his kitchen.
I was too hungry and miserable to care. Ate that slub, with tears smarting my eyes, and prayed I’d be born a non veg next time around.

I was in labor for 19 hours and starving hence for about 30 something hours. My daughter was eventually born at 1:30 a.m. I was then allowed to eat after that. The only thing the hospital could get me at that hour was a chicken sandwich. I insisted on vegetarian, and they said they could get the chicken out of the sandwich. So, decided to stick to cheese and crackers for the night. Guess I was too happy to notice how hungry I was though.

Yes, I am one of those moms asking for plain rice and natural yoghurt in all and sundry restaurants. Once i went with a crowd to a really posh restaurant in France virtually crawling with all types of creatures and tried to order something vegetarian. All I got was a whole melon

@Vasu, I am one of the Packed Food Paacha type. Trust me, it saved me from venturing out in biting cold temperatures in both Paris and in China, searching in the dark for a decent food joint, what with already running a fever.

There is also the other kind, who we in our close circles call ‘BeLLuLLi BrahmaNa’ meaning ‘Garlic Brahmin’. Garlic does not appear on the shopping list in of a Brahmin, along with some other veggies. So, there is this Uncvle of mine, who has all sorts of restrictions on the veggies and food consumed except for Garlic. So, we mock at his hypocrisy by calling him ‘beLLuLLi BrahmaNa’

Those people who do not consume non-veggie food on certain days have earned them the name ‘Part-time non-vegetarian’ in Singapore. So, when I first said that I do not eat non-veggie food, they asked me if I was part-time non-vegetarian.