Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Where's Banshee?

[*The views expressed in the following post do not reflect the opinions of Wild Banshee or any other person affiliated with this blog. In fact, the author only claims to kind of agree with 7% of what he's written. Most of that 7% is punctuation.]

Two coincidental events have prompted me to write this post. Two events so mysterious and so coincidental that I am sure that they have not passed without raising every one of your right eyebrows. (For those of you with uni-brows, this was surely quite an undertaking.) I speak of 1) Wild Banshee's absence from the blog and 2) the election of the new pope via "conclave".

Yes. The timing is too eerie to be a mere accident. As many of you have already surmised, I believe that she is in Rome "conclaving". Did I make up that word? Yes I did. But none of you complain when sports announcers use words like "three-peat" and "winningest" do you? I'm not even sure if the noun "conclave" is the proper word for this occassion. I thought it was a style of lens - You know, when one side is flat and the other side is curved in....or maybe that's convex. Regardless, Catholics shouldn't be allowed to run around making up words. If they can make up nouns, I'll go ahead and make up verbs. Today it's "Conclaving". Conclaving is the act of shipping all the Catholic cardinals to Rome so that the children of Boston have a chance to run a hide.

The logical conclusion is that Wild Banshee is running for Pope. It's true that the Pope must be a Roman Catholic. I'm a Southern Baptist, and my calculus in this matter is pretty simple. All those who eat Jesus at church are eligible. Those of us who don't eat Jesus are ineligible. I remember a few years ago at the esteemed University of Notre Dame, one student, finding out that I was Southern Baptist, said to me, "ewwwwww. Southern Baptists take the Bible way to literally." I responded, "What?!!!! Hello? We don't eat Jesus." He soon realized that eating Jesus was a much more literal take on the Bible than our no-dancing policy, which is not in the Bible at all.

Banshee's most challenging rival will be Cardinal Ratzinger. If I remember correctly, he's a German. Ratzinger was, as were all German children, part of the Hitler Youth. Banshee's got a good shot at beating him. She need only pull the "freak-out" card - that is when we all freak out when we realize that a German is going to run the Vatican. Suffice it to say, we will all feel safer with Banshee as our pope. Her new papal name shall be Pope Harold Goldstein.