Samsung Sentry Robot: Come and Get Me, Bastards!

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The time is nigh, people. When the shiznit hits the fazan, these robots will be your only solace and protection. As hordes of ravenous, mutated Moray eels begin roaring out of your plumbing, the Samsung sentry bot, patented but not yet available at Best Buy, will hold them off long enough for you to slit your own throat with a broken bottle and listen as they slither and slope towards your dying body, hoping to feast on your sweet appendix. In your last dying breath say “Thank you, Samsung, for making this sentry robot just to hold these damn eels off long enough for me to die with my dignity — and nose — intact.” Then slip into the warm pool of oblivion and know that this sentry will watch over your masticated body for eternity, a testament to the madness and beauty of life’s monstrous play.