Yesterday's "Dear Abby" column featured "Good dad in Cleveland," who's seeking advice on what to do with his eight-year-old son, understandably driven to animal abuse by the frustrations of being a Cleveland sports fan. Little Junior loves sports, you see, but "he has trouble accepting a loss. He'll take out his disappointment by beating the dog."

Holy shit. Now, I'm not a behavioral psychologist, but neither is Dear Abby. It sounds like Junior has problems that go far beyond the capabilities of a nationally syndicated advice columnist. If Patches could talk, Patches would beg you for people food, then beg you to do something about the little monster in your living room being hatched by Randy Lerner. Get your son professional help now, before he turns out like other noted Midwestern psychopaths Jeffrey Dahmer and this guy.

If there is a silver lining, it is this: as long as you stay in Cleveland, the kid will learn to accept losing teams. They always do.