The First Round-Up of 2009

Yep, the first round-up of 2009. A brand new year, and here we are again, delicately crafting a round-up introduction that you won't even read, because you're only interested in whether or not you made the notable comment, or the craptions.

Slow going on the blog this week as the columnists were all out volunteering at orphanages for the holidays. (Or, possibly, blacked out drunk.) We do have Swaim, and his countdown of8 misguided visions of the year 2008. Also, Brockway wants you to know what we're telling space. (Hint: Total bullshit.)

So, what does this mean for 2009? Who will take over next year? Nerds? Fat people? Ants?!?!

Notable Comment: lordastral says "hell yeah. I want a neural implant. I can't wait to comment on cracked.com without needing a keyboard." Well if that isn't a terrifying view of the future, we don't know what is.

Hopefully, you read this article, listened to its advice, and had a safe and happy new year. Or maybe you didn't, and now you're dead. In which case, you aren't reading this right now. Unless you're a zombie, which we would be okay with. Please tell Cracked if you are a zombie.

Notable Comment:POLLIE says "It's actually possible to beat a breathalyzer by drinking a gallon of raccoon urine and eating your own feces. No lie." True story, you should all try that. But the urine has to be fresh, and from an angry raccoon.

And here YOU are, reading the Cracked round-up. Why can't you be more like homeless people?

Notable Comment: TJL says "Great. Now I'm hung over AND depressed.
Happy New Year to you too Cracked!" Looks like our New Year's Resolution to 'Stop Depressing TJL' isn't working out for us. Oh well. Maybe next year.

Notable Comment: Chadster says "Thankfully, children lack the skewed yet zaney thought process of a cracked writer." And that's the first time someone has said that Cracked writers are smarter than children. We are loving 2k9.

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Everything in Life Came with a Warning Label.