Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I have struggled to write this post. I feel like no words can quite articulate the depth of His goodness. So here I am trying.

We have known since July 20th that we are pregnant. I wasn't prepared for the emotion as I stared at the pink positive sign while sitting on my bathtub. I was thankful, I was scared, I was joyful, I was sad.

It's an unnatural feeling when you are celebrating the new life within you while still mourning the life that just left you.

We have asked God all along that if He wants us to be parents again, for it to be in His timing.

As we began to tell people, there was a lot of joy mixed with a lot of tears. I began to pour out my heart over this child praying every possible prayer over this precious life.

After early ultrasounds and blood work, all looked good.

I was on my way to meet Nathan for our 8 week appt. and I began praying out loud in the car. I told God that it's just still really hard. I told him that I don't even know what it would look like or take to be released from the pain and anguish that still resides in my heart, but please keep showing up for us. I asked the Lord to make His presence known.

Next thing I know, our doctor, Nathan, and I are crying as we all three are staring at 2 precious little heartbeats on the screen.

He showed up...again.

We are having identical twins.

I am in complete awe of His goodness and I can't seem to find the words to praise Him or even tell our story. So for now, I just want to celebrate them and what they represent. His faithfulness.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

It is our three year anniversary today. Today more than ever, I've been thinking about pivotal moments in life. Moments that were completely shaping what was to come.

One moment that comes to mind, is the 13 year old girl who moved to Arkansas kicking and screaming because she thought life could not get more perfect than Greenville, Tx. This will be humorous for some of you.

I talked to God a lot back then. I was incredibly timid and not so sure of myself, and especially not so sure of this thing called public school that I was thrown into.

After my family prayed about what church we were going to attend, I was baptized for the second time, and I was on my way to sunshine mountain for a youth group retreat feeling a tad bit more sure of myself.

I was chomping down on a bag of gummy worms when I decided it would be nice of me to share with others. I turned around and asked the boy behind me if he wanted one. He stared at me for probably five seconds and then said sure. After he took his worm, I proceeded to tell him that he had very mysterious eyes. Then he stared at me some more.

Later in life I will realize that this was the moment for him.

We were inseparable after that. We dated through my junior high and high school years. We were best friends and I loved him. We met each other in our most vulnerable phase in life and watched each other grow up. We saw each other in our best moments, we saw each other in our worst moments. We saw each other grow in Christ, slip away from Christ, and be provided with grace from Christ.

We would break up. We would be best friends. He would boldly confess his love. I would boldly be a flaky hot mess. We would be best friends again. And then repeat.

Pivotal moment was the day I decided to get my act together and start listening and obeying the Lord, instead of just talking.

With hands shaking and all, I boldly confessed my love to him over lunch at Marketplace. Days later, after he had time to pray and think about it, he said I've had his heart since the first time I shared my gummy worms with him at sunshine mountain.

He knew to put a ring on it quickly and get me down the aisle. Probably fearing a relapse of the flaky hot mess he experienced from me for the past 8 years.

I share our story because that was 3 years ago today and I can't help to think about what it would be like if someone was to show you a preview of what you were about to jump into. What if the slideshow at rehearsal dinner were pictures about what's to come. The good and the bad.

I don't know why it's comforting but it's nice to know there is a sovereign God.

It just blows my mind to think about when I was sharing my gummy worms and staring into Nathan's eyes for the first time, God knew that Tucker was going to be our son. He knew that we were going to experience a heartache that exceeds any hardship that we could possibly comprehend at the time. The day I met Nathan at Marketplace with my hands shaking, and I knew that I was meant to marry this man, God knew then too. Three years ago today, as I stared into those mysterious eyes and said "I do", I had no idea the depth of the phrase "I do" until now.

Today is special. It reminds me of where our journey began and where it is still going. God knew every hair on Tucker's head the day I shared my gummy worms. He knew he was going to enter this world on December 8, 2010 and that he would return to His kingdom on February 28, 2012. For some reason, He wanted Nathan and I to be Tucker's mommy and daddy for his short life here in this world.

Nathan and I have told each other numerous times that we can't imagine going through this with any one else than each other. The beautiful part is that God knew that too.