Anger, grief, doubt

Like some of you, my doctor grew impatient with my complaints. Since "nothing showed up" I guess I was healthy. Right. I gave up a prestigious career and I was all of a sudden alone. People looked right through me when I used A cane, it's as if I don't exist. I become enraged and then ashamed. I have become reclusive. Ps I do see a therapist .

Does anyone begin to doubt themselves. Am I just lazy and unfit? I appreciate the encouragement from this site. It's the first words I have heard from you who accept your FMG and want to live and fight it. Thank you for writing and reading.

I guess many of us go through that face of doubting ourselves especially if nothing seems to be 'wrong'.

I loved the life I was living at the point I got sick and had no reason to 'want' to get sick but still doubted myself too even though psychiatrist did screen me and ruled out that there could be a psychological reason.

Whether or not there are reasons is something only you can ask yourself but even then you still have to go from where you are today and make the best possible choices you can that work for you at this moment.

Each one is so unique and no matter what the reason even though there still might be doubt all you can do is make the best possible choice you can with what you know and belief right at this moment.

Giving yourself a hard time won't help. You are the only one who can judge yourself from inside out, others can only offer advise on the basis of their limited view they have of you.

Like some of you, my doctor grew impatient with my complaints. Since "nothing showed up" I guess I was healthy. Right. I gave up a prestigious career and I was all of a sudden alone. People looked right through me when I used A cane, it's as if I don't exist. I become enraged and then ashamed. I have become reclusive. Ps I do see a therapist .

Does anyone begin to doubt themselves. Am I just lazy and unfit? I appreciate the encouragement from this site. It's the first words I have heard from you who accept your FMG and want to live and fight it. Thank you for writing and reading.

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It can be difficult to maintain belief in oneself when no one around you believes in the reality of what you are experiencing. Have you ever seen the movie Gaslight, with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer? It's an excellent movie, and shows how easy it is to doubt yourself when others act like you are crazy - when no one will validate your experience. That's part of how we form our views of reality, by bouncing ideas and experiences off of other people, and with FM and CFS/ME, the general consensus by the outside population and many if not most doctors is that it's all in our heads.

So it can help immensely to hear from others who experience the same thing. I don't know where I'd be without on-line support. By the way, what is FMG?

I know of no one who would voluntarily choose to have their life suddenly stop, be forced into poverty, lose friends, jobs, ability to do anything that makes life meaningful - there's no payoff for this. But the conventional wisdom unfortunately is that if mainstream medicine can't figure out what's going on (because they don't take us seriously enough to do any real research), it's all in our heads, there must be some psychological payoff in all this - which is a load of cr*p!

Hi, this is my first time on here and had to reply to you because I really understand where your coming from, I feel angry at the moment because I was doing so well, pacing and watching what I did and handled the fibro really way, then boom I get flu and since or more than likely during, I have had a big fibro flare up. I got all angry again, why me etc and then thought the only person I am hurting by getting angry is myself. It is very hard to deal with and hope you find your way through it, try not to get angry is just causes stress and thereby symptoms, best of luck

We dont have to lose a loved one or friend to go through the grieving process. Anger is part of the grieving process.My partner and I grieve the changes in our relationship due to her CFS flaring up. We were together only a short time, a wonderful time experiencing new love then moving in together. But a few months later she became ill. We both grieve the limitations she now has as well as her spontaneity to just get up and go. She is a musician playing bass in 2 bands. One of the bands basically told her to learn 10 new songs in a month or leave. This hit her hard. She got angry. She cried. She became depressed. She is no where near acceptance. She fears losing her job. She hasnt accepted her illness. I havent accepted her illness but we had a short chat about this last night. Sometimes I want to leave. I go back and forth with my feelings and even resent her illness at times. But I dont resent her. I have faith in her and we do the best we can to focus on her getting well. She works hard and will do anything to recover. I love her. It's been almost a year and we're still here going through this grieving process together. We just started a book together called "the chronic illness workbook". Part of it deals with losses from having a chronic illness. I wish more caregivers were active in these forums. I have my own chronic illnesses but not cfs or fibro. We both need support.

Like most of us, I was first in denial and thought it would "pass". After 6 months I was depressed. After a year morose. After 2 years of testing and a "suggestion" that it might be all in my head, downright angry. A bad car accident ended life as I once knew it 18 years ago. I've learned to live with my condition, even work. With the right combination of medications, supplements and homeopathic remedies I have even come to be grateful for the relief I've gotten. The pain is always with me, of course. But more manageable that it once was. It's only been within the last few months that I've achieved this combination for relief. I'm still always waiting for the next "flare" though. I fear it. I still have days when I lament all the things I can no longer do. The things I loved doing most. I can not have them back. I cannot ski, play tennis, sing, dance like I once did, take long walks, or even climb the stairs the way I used to. And, yes, sometimes the anger comes back off and on. But I've also learned to find new things to appreciate and new things to do. I will never be the same. I will never again be how I was. I accepted that long ago. I also wake each morning and bask in the fact that I'm still alive to wake up, that I can work, that I can make a positive difference for other people in my work, that there are still things that I can enjoy. Life is a trade off for people like us. We lose great parts of who we once were. It's up to us to find new parts to be who we can become. Never give up. It's all about changing your paradigm.

Jam,
For each of us, the triggers are often different. For some physical trauma, for others a traumatic illness, for even others it's a life-changing traumatic event.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why, after an emergency surgery 2 years ago, I didn't bounce back. I wasn't the same as before the surgery. Then, it hit me! Another trauma!! Another stage of the condition. When I asked my M.D. about this, he said I was right on the money. That, likely, it did send my body deeper into the condition. So, on that note, I totally agree with you 100%. And, we do not heal. If you sprain something, it's always forever open to re-injury.

You're right that, in some respects, it is downhill. Our immune systems are delicate. Our bodies are unstable. Our expectation for new injuries, higher than "norms". The question is, how best to find what works to slow down the "slide".

I think that most people do not see people who struggle like yourself because if they did, it would be too scary for them to realize that people can go through changes like that. I honestly hope that you are doing well (it’s been a while since this post) and you have found some form of peace with what was going on.

Thank you Suzanne. I've been very ill of late and struggling badly. Sometimes it's not so easy to keep going at the pace I attempt to keep. Thank you for your support. There are times, like now, when the FM/CFS breaks through badly enough that even the meds and supps can't control it enough. Vertigo, extremely deep fatigue, and major pain level have been very trying the last couple months. I haven't been on the boards for a while for that reason. I'm just racing from work to bed.

The trick is getting an M.D. who has dealt with it before. Finding one who "gets" that one doesn't "choose" this sort of life, and understands you just want to live as normally as you can. Not such an easy task. I am lucky. I have a great Chiro who used to teach Chiropractics, an Herbalist who deals with many patients with pain causing conditions, and an M.D. who is on board with my homeopathic approach and not only supports it, but suggests "upping" the dose I take of this or that supplement for optimum results.

I had one doctor, in the beginning 18 years ago, who began to suggest, "It was in my head and asked if I'd seen a Psychiatrist". I promptly told him yes, I'd seen a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist has seen me. I've
been deemed mentally fit and you better try another tack! I am not having this pain because I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I'm living with this pain!!!!

Like some of you, my doctor grew impatient with my complaints. Since "nothing showed up" I guess I was healthy. Right. I gave up a prestigious career and I was all of a sudden alone. People looked right through me when I used A cane, it's as if I don't exist. I become enraged and then ashamed. I have become reclusive. Ps I do see a therapist .

Does anyone begin to doubt themselves. Am I just lazy and unfit? I appreciate the encouragement from this site. It's the first words I have heard from you who accept your FMG and want to live and fight it. Thank you for writing and reading.

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You should bot leave your career for the sake of yourself . Your patients are in need of you.
Don't depress yourself be motivated.

Hi bernicebethany. I find that I doubt myself all the time. I get no support or understanding in my situation. I have repeatedly told my family and a couple of friends, that if you are concerned and want to to get a better perspective on my illnesses, then go online and read! Doctors don't make us feel much better either by making us feel that we need to talk to a psychiatrist because they think it's all mental. I am just so exhausted! Both mentally and physically! I feel so lost and alone. I can't clean my house, I can't do things I used to enjoy. Trying to stand in the kitchen to cook has become nearly impossible. I have not been clinically diagnosed with CFS however, I have Fibromyalgia, along with a list of other medical issues. Bulging disks, high blood pressure, diabetes, degenerative disk disease, insomnia, irritable bowel, severe sinusitis, anxiety, depression, and ear problems. My thinking is foggy and I have trouble concentrating. I can not tolerate loud noise, and bright light. My vision has become very blurry even with reading glasses. I feel like a freak! My life used to be so joyous and I had lots of energy. People tell me that it's all a part of growing older. I suppose maybe they are trying to make me feel better. What I hate is that no one in my family or what few friends I do have, seem to care. My dad made the comment just today that he doesn't understand why I feel so tired all the time. How many times do I have to keep reminding people that I have a debilitating illness? My vitamin D levels stays low and my white blood cell count is always a little higher than my red count. When I was a few months old, I contracted menengitis. I've had Mono a few times and many viral infections over the years. I've suffered a lot of trauma in my life and was involved in a serious car accident when I was in my late twenties. I've read where doctors are linking trauma and sickness due to the immune system as possible explanations for the Fibro and CFS. I really wish I knew and most of all had answers as to how to help conquer these horrible medical problems. To be honest, I sometimes don't feel as if I have any reason to live anymore. I am just merely existing, in bed most of the time, crying and hurting. I have a hard time sleeping because my mind races constantly. I am but a mere shell now, with no hope of ever feeling better and living a happy life! I am 55 years old, and I feel as if I am 105 years old. I feel so defeated and beat down! I am on Medicare and don't have money, so seeing specialists and having all these tests run seem far fetched for me. I suppose I will just lay here while life passes me by. I pray for a cure soon.