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My stepmother wants to be called Grandma. What should I do?

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My stepmother wants my daughter to call her 'Grandma,' but my wife is set on reserving this name for our mothers. I've never had a great relationship with my stepmother, even though she's been married to my father for 25 years. Before my daughter's birth, we told her that she could make up any name that she wanted to be called, just not Grandma. But now she's hurt and insulted, and I don't know how to handle it. What should we do?

Mom Answers

I can relate to this on several sides as so many other people can. My grandpa died when I was 10 and I was grandpa's girl to the bone. My grandmother remarried a year later and although my step grandpa was great to me I wouldn't call him grandpa for nearly 9 yrs. Now he is great grandpa to my 4 kids! I am also the step mother of 2 very wonderful girls (20 & 10) Whom I have cared for and loved for 7 years. They do not call me Mom they call me by my name. I plan on leaving it up to them what they want their children to call me. It isn't the name they call me by it is the love in which they use them.

First of all, you should do what makes you and your wife feel comfortable. If your wife is set on reserving the name, then you should respect her wishes. And for all the people that say your daughter would be confused by calling your father grandpa but not calling his wife grandma, they must not know their own kids very well. Its not going to confuse your daughter if she grows up calling this lady by her first name or anything else. If she does it from the beginning she's going to think its normal. My husband's grandfather married again before he was born, and he calls his step grandmother by her first name and doesn't think anything of it since its been that way from day one.

Ok people, I am truly ashamed at how many people on here are acting like self-righteous idiots and telling this guy that since his step-mom has been married to his father for 25 years now, he should just 'get over it'. None of us know the circumstances surrounding his relationship with his stepmother or his father so the length of time married has nothing to do with it.
The only thing that he should take into consideration is his and his wife's feeling. The dictionary defines grandma as "the mother of your father or mother". If they want to use the the name grandma in a strictly traditional manner, then who are we to put them down about it. Personally, I think its confusing to have a child call more than just their grandma's grandma. To me the name grandma has special meaning, and to let a child call other people grandma demeans the specialness of the name.

Oh, good God! Kids all over the world have several grandmas. What's wrong with having a Grandma Lucy, Grandma Nancy, and Grandma Phyllis? They all have different names -- and they can all be grandmothers/grandmas. Your step-mother has certainly been married to your father long enough to have earned "grandma" status. Lighten up! There are so many things out there that DO matter and require energy: don't give this more brain space than necessary.

not sure what the "dilemma" here is. I have a stepmother too. We have never got along that great either, but its just a respect thing. If it really hurts her so much, don't be that way. If it hurts her, it hurts your dad too. Another way to look at it- its for your child, not you. Would you like someone to call you by a name you didn't like? She is a part of your family, your wife just needs to understand.

The stepmother is acting like a child. She is not the blood grandmother. Listen to your wife only the biological grandmother should be call grandma. your child should call your stepmother by her name. Your stepmother is trying to have her way, because she is married to your father. It doesn't work that way. I have a stepmother and my kids will call her by her name. Step grandparents want to over the real grandparents position. I don't care if she didn't have any children or grandchildren of her own. So don't worry, she should accept by being call by her first name.

Being a true grandma is a great honor and one that should be earned. If you've never had a great relationship with your stepmother, chances are she will be the same with your daughter. You respectfully told her your wishes ahead of time, so now it's her turn to be respectful to you and abide by your wishes. It's not like you're saying she can't have anything to do with your daughter, you just want to honor your biological mothers, which is commendable. To all of you who say he's lucky just to have a third grandmother who wants to love his daughter, I say one has nothing to do with the other. Of course when it comes to loving children, the more the merrier, but that doesn't mean that every person who will be a loving part of your child's life deserves the honor of using the title grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle or whatever. There are plenty of other endearing terms that your stepmother can choose from. I think she's being selfish.

Any woman who wants to love and cherish my children can be called Grandma - and that includes my stepmom! It will be confusing for your daughter to understand why your stepmom is not Grandma when she's married to your father. Finally, please remember that it is very hard to come into a family and we all just want to be accepted and loved by our in-laws and any steps. To reinforce that she isn't "Grandma" is to tell her that after 25 years, you still don't and never will, consider her part of the family. Of course she's hurt. I say the more Grandmas, the merrier!

My beautiful daughter has three full sets of grand-parents because my parents are both divorced and remarried. Unfortunately, my stepfather and my husband's father both passed away before she was born. My husband's stepfather is "Grandpa" and my stepmother is also "Grandma". In time, kids will choose their own nicknames anyways and many will go with other things (i.e. Nanny and Poppa, Grams, etc.). Ultimately, I figure that there's just no good reason to turn down another person in this world who wants to love your child. All the "grandparents" know where they stand and I doubt the biological ones will be upset or threatened by this. Best wishes to you and congratulations on your new addition.
P.S. My stepmother passed away when my daughter was only 7 months old. Everytime I look at her picture holding my daughter I'm reminded how much she loved her and how proud she was to be "Grandma". I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a much greater gift I gave her than any other.

My daughters have 8 "Grandma"'s. Between me and my husband, we have our mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers and I even have a great-grandma still with us, and my daughters know them all. They are all referred to as "Grandma" in their company. When we talk about them at home, my daughters have invented their own names to distinguish them. We have Grandma with the Peanut Dog, Grandma in the Mountains, Grandma with the Farm, Grandma with the Motorcycle... etc. I'm not very close with my Step-mother either, but she's been with my Dad for more than 10 years and has no children of her own. I'd never deny her the pride of being a Grandma. What's wrong with your children knowing they have that many more people loving them? Tell your wife to get over it and let your children call her whatever they want!

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