Next time maybe you should try Tom, Kyle or Richard

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Baylor coach Art Briles told reporters at Big 12 media days that that Bears quarterback Bryce Petty is such a household name in college football that you could “go to a Dairy Queen in Salem, Ore.,” and they’d know who Petty was.

So Portland radio host John Canzano sent a production assistant to visit all six DQ outlets in Oregon’s capital city — and nary a person there had ever heard of Petty.

Headlines

• At SportsPickle.com: “Pickpocket lifts more than $30,000 from Rams players while Michael Sam is distracting them.”

• At TheOnion.com: “Breaking: Tour de France on hold as cyclists ride over to creek to check out bugs.”

Yankee strippers

Dancers at a Queens strip club will pay homage to Derek Jeter Day on Sept. 7 by wearing nothing but Yankee-pinstripe body paint at work that day.

Don’t laugh. It certainly beats the sight of David Wells in a Speedo.

Inquiring minds

Among the preseason questions for each NFL team, from SportsPickle.com:

Atlanta Falcons: Will the Falcons be inspired to win the Super Bowl for tight end Levine Toilolo?

New England Patriots: Will the Patriots defense complain that Tom Brady knows their playbook?

St. Louis Rams: What non-gay-teammate-related distractions were to blame for the Rams going 29-82-1 over the past seven seasons?

Name game

Vikings QB Christian Ponder has named his new daughter Bowden in honor of his old Florida State coach.

Someday she’ll thank her lucky stars that Dad didn’t play for Bob Stoops.

Talking the talk

• Padres outfielder Jeff Francoeur, to MLB.com, on getting hit on the head by a 99 mph fastball earlier this season while playing for the PCL’s El Paso Chihuahuas: “Ever since I’ve hit .360, .370. I say he knocked the stupid out of me.”

• Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the 105-year-old woman who threw out the first pitch at a Padres game: “Her heart raced, her knees wobbled, and she got a bit faint. She saw the price of a hot dog.”

• Blogger TC Chong, on KFC Canada announcing Wednesday that it will serve beer at its “KFC Fresh” concept store in Toronto: “Is this just a coincidence that the Red Sox are in town?”

• NBC’s Seth Meyers, on the Cubs suing a man who got into a bar fight while impersonating the team mascot: “They could tell he wasn’t affiliated with the Cubs because he won.”

To the penalty box

Ex-NHL enforcer Patrick Cote, 39, confessed to robbing two banks in Quebec and was sentenced to 2½ years in prison.