You Might As Well Live

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Unfortunately, I haven't been feeling very well this weekend. And since I'll be away next weekend, there won't be a post next Friday either. Ah well -- no one much is reading anyway so far, so I don't have to feel too bad. To whoever does stop by: see you in a couple weeks.

Friday, June 18, 2010

You know, I think I'm going to give up on making jokes, because no one ever seems to like them. Or get them. Colin, Mom, Hannah, Dani, Izzy, Teddy, Dad... no one. Not that any of them really care about anything I do, at all.

I'm hurting again, can you tell? I'm in pain, once more. Not that there isn't always a little hurt in the corner of my soul.

I want to scream. I wish no one was home, so I could.

I think I'm going to cry, and I have no idea why I should feel like doing that. I can't help it. I've been so stressed lately, and now it's all coming back to me again.

D'you know, the nights before my math exam, almost a week ago, I was wigging so bad that I was actually afraid of the dark? Can you imagine? Me, who's loved the dark for years, reverting back to my feelings about it as a small child. I was so messed up, because I was so freaked I would fail.

I feel sick, like I'm going to throw up, but I never do, when I feel like this.

I want to just curl up and sob. Find a safe place to hide in, where someone who will be able to love, really love me, who I could love, can find me. A place where only people like that could find me, where I could cry out the pain and the hurt, and they would actually comfort, and care. Then, when my last drop of pain had fallen from my eyes, I would go off with them, to a place where we could all be together, and be happy.

I'm lonely again--no, make that still--too.

I want to tell Izzy off so bad. I can't express how much he annoys me, when I see him, now. He really gets on my nerves badly.

If he dares to tell me that "he'll call me" one more time, I will so tell him off. I'll be such a bitch to him. He can't bullshit me, and expect me to take it, to believe it, still, can he?

He thinks I'm an idiot, as far as I can tell. Yay, another person to treat me like I'm stupid.

He's a hypocrite, too, calling so many people immature. Ooh, and he's not? God, what a little bastard. I hardly want to be friends with him, anymore.

Most of my friends suck. Wow. Life's just grand.

I really need to cry. I'll be back later. Maybe not this morning, but some time soon.

The fear of the dark thing is no exaggeration. I felt things like that pretty often, in my darker moments. I'm pretty sure there are entries further on that I recorded in the midst of, or immediately after, some of my really fucked up times, when I was at the limit of what I could take emotionally. They're still some of the scariest moments I've ever experienced. Being frightened of how horrible you're feeling, how much you hate yourself, and yet completely unable to turn those feelings off... it's a bad place to be.

And there I go wishing for a family of friends again. A group of people who I could really feel like I fit with, a place where I felt like I belonged. I never have found that again, since my junior high friends. Sometimes I wonder if it's something that no one much feels after they've grown up. And sometimes I'm pretty damn sure that it's unusual for me to not fit in anywhere--that most people have somewhere they feel like they fit in. Anyone out there have any feelings about that? I always wish I could ask other people--do you feel a sense of belonging anywhere? And if not, is that something you long for too?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Now that exams are over, I'm going to do something that I'd wanted to do, but couldn't, a few days ago. I'm going to make some lists!

Not boring lists, though, don't worry--cool ones! ^_^

First:

Subjects I Will Never Take Again:

1. Physics!!! (ugh) *grins*2. Math, after next year!3. Chemistry4. French, also after next year

See, I plan on saying "byebye, sciences, hellooo, arts!" when I go into undergrad.

Before I do the next one--well, actually, I'll incorporate this into the next one! It's nameless:

1) I will never not let myself be happy.

Hannah does that. She won't let herself be happy. I don't know if it's on purpose, but it's going to fuck her over tons of times, in her life. Hannah acts so proud of being down on the world, but it's so not good for you in the long run. I'm so totally glad I'm an optimist!

It's like she won't let herself feel happiness, or have fun. She says she didn't have fun with me, today--I figure, that's her problem. It's sad, but only she can fix this for herself, by letting herself have fun.

2) I will try to understand, but never assume that I do, unless I have been through the same thing.

3) I will subtly tell Izzy off, the next time he tries to bullshit me. If he says we're his "real, true friends", I'll laugh, and mock-jokingly say "yeah, right. You've got a wacky sense of humour, hon." Or something like that. Tell him that if we were his "true friends", he wouldn't constantly ditch us. If he says "I'll call you", I'll give him a slightly bitter smile and say "No. You won't."

There are others for this list--many, and I'll continue to add to it as I live, and grow, and change.

Oh, and one more:

4) If I ever get what I consider to be a real opportunity, I will go up to my Enigma Boy, and find out his name, and his age. I'll be scared shitless, but I'll ask him myself!

I've been looking for him everywhere, but I have yet to see him again. Any further sightings will surely be recorded, with subsequent drooling!

Now, another good one which I will add to as I go on in life:

Things I Will Do When I Have My Own T.V. Show(s) Or Comic Book Series:

1) I will not consider myself God. I won't do the Chris Carter thing people so complain about. I'll stay, to a good extent, humble and modest. I will not act almighty.

2) I will be very careful and particular with plot, scripts, themes, and their continuity. Unlike Joss, I can count.

3) I will not be afraid to risk major wrath, and kill main characters. People may hate me for it, but so be it. I'd rather have that, than just do the usual "let's-not-kill-anyone-important-off" thing. My way is more daring, and more interesting.

4) I will write & direct all the really important episodes of any TV series.

5) I will proof-read all scripts myself.

6) I will not go overboard with certain plot devices, character traits, characters, etc.

7) I will keep in mind that you can't please everyone all the time.

8) I will give my personal favourite characters, major or minor, lots of screen time.

9) I will still try to distribute screen time evenly amongst the characters.

10) I will join mailing lists & post on message boards, or whatever they'll have at the time, and see which characters the fans would like to see more of (like fan groups).

11) I will read and encourage fanfiction. I may even write some about my own and others' shows, if I have the time.

12) I will not take fan criticisms too personally, nor too much to heart, (see #7), but I will keep the reasonable ones in mind.

13) I will be open, personable (if, perhaps, still shy), and approachable to the fans.

Math was never my strongest subject. Physics, which I took in grade 11, was the bane of my existence. Chemistry I could more or less wrap my head around at the high school level. (More advanced, not necessarily, but I did fine in my grade 11 class.) But physics and my brain just never clicked. I passed, but barely, and I had to work my ass off to manage it.

As for list 2:

1) I haven't quite managed this one. Getting in my own way less is something I'm actually trying to work on right now. And as usual, I was wrong about Hannah, who seems better than me at letting herself be happy these days. I'm glad for her, and I'd like to make myself more like that. I can kind of remember the conversation I'd had with her that day, where we'd been out doing something, and she said to me at the end that she mostly didn't feel like she was enjoying her life, and didn't feel like she'd had fun that day. In retrospect, she was clearly trying to tell me that she was feeling depressed, but unfortunately I was too self-involved to see that at the time.

2) This directly contradicts all the assumptions I was making about Hannah in number 1. Nonetheless, I do think this is a good idea, and it is something I still try to live by.

3) I fantasized about telling Izzy off a lot, but I never actually had the opportunity to do it. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing--if it would have been cathartic, or just starting shit I didn't need to start.

4) This never happened. There were at least one or two times that might have been, for someone else, "real opportunities," but I never had the balls to try to strike up a conversation with Enigma Boy, whoever he was.

For list 3, while I still want (and an trying) to be a writer, I've moved away from the idea of writing for TV or having a comic book series of my own, for various reasons. A lot of these could apply to a novel series or whatever too, though, so I don't write them off. (Except the directly TV-related ones, and, for legal reasons, reading fanfic for an ongoing series in number 11.)

The Joss comment is referencing the significant change in Spike's claimed age over the course of Buffy, which at least once dropped by several decades. I love Buffy, but it did have some have some continuity issues (though I understand better now how that can happen when a show changes course, e.g. with Spike becoming a much more important character than he was originally intended to be).

Notice how I just assumed I would have my own series someday, and that it would be popular and I would be known as the creator--that I'd be a Name in TVland and/or Comicsland. And honestly, if I work hard enough, I still believe that could happen with one or more of the novel series I have in mind. Like I've mentioned, I've always been pretty ambitious.

About Me

This is an anonymous blog of my high school journals. It's intended as a vitually unedited (though heavily commentated), first-hand record of the depression and suicidal thoughts I was dealing with at that time. As awful as it was, you'll also find that I laugh at myself a lot in my present-day posts--because who could look back at their high school self and not do that? If you want to know more, the details are in my intro posts.