April 20th, 2010

I'm going to try to say it @ 05:22 pm

I'm going to try to say itthis wayor

being in houses where the love has diedstalks around like a zombiedevouring every ungaurded spark

Yes, children: this is why you are taught fear and protectionfrom the unborn souls of lovers who only have animosity between themGhouls who haunt darkened roomslovers who never learned how to make lovebut their actions create only an emptinessa negative love that eats your heart

darling...

we went into the forestimagining ourselves a force of naturesiding with nature as if to give ourselves purposecalling ourselves little fleshy tornadoesthrowing our soft bodies agaist that fallen treeyou told me you were eternally 23or could you drop the 3?I just wanted to climb and enjoyyou were obsessed with destructionmaking your mark on the world in the easiest waytake a bite out of life

rend asunder

he comes across againhadn't seen him in two yearssince thenI've learned about Capricorns(remember: everytime yIu think yIu Know something, yIu better look again)he says he's learned that he's bi-polarwhich I'd always known about him, reallybut he's switched drugs againheavier than he's ever been(still, I have no idea how people gain seventy pounds...)under control nowhe seems as manic as he's always beenmaybe I just do that to him?like all my capricornsI have to pry him off

but it's nice to see him againI guess

coming to some clear perceptionabout how I have no trouble having sex with guys in relationshipsbut I hate being a mistressI don't care how hot I amor great or smart or beautifulyou can't just use me for thatand not be my friend

ohyou can if you pay methen it's just me violating my contractwanting more than I'm being offered...

why does my heart come out in situations like these?the vacume draws it out?so attractively made the unattainable?

i want togive it as a reasonI don't want to be your loverI don't want to be your mistressI want to be your friendinvite me over for cocktailsbring me to the openinglove me in front of your friends and family(here I go again)

how do I fit into your story?with all the othersyou've known since I was in diapers?" well, I met him at a sex party/on-line in a moment of dirty lustwe didn't do much talking before we were inside eachotherhe's a perfect distraction from my own firmament,Charles, you, Mother, He's..."

(she said:" There are Two Things missing in my life:Love and Moneyif I could Steal themmaybe i'd beHappy.")

up in those treesswaying in the windwet bark under my feetfortie miles from the groundfind the right angle to saw the threadsholding on those broken branchespushing them downbutting my queer shoulder to itbreaking the dead onesbare toes playing with the sapthere was some terrible pain in me

the iron blade against the faerie flesh?the human body easily broken by the fall?the loneliness so far awayin the arms of a great old strong loverbody all snapped into piecesunable to give me solace nor comfortno task able but to help him in his declineI...completed the missionand worked my way downthat terrible horrorbeating in my breastAwake Now

it's just the way I feel nowrubbing his bodyhow could I ever make anyone else ever feel any betterI'm so broken!how can I heal!i knowi know...but what does he really want?

old man on the phone tells me about his loversthe one he's been with 48 yearsthe one he's been with 10the one he's been with 10 yearsthree muskateersand the man taking care of his mother

and that Spanish one from Parismet his first trip to Europepartnered to a wealthy Parisianwho only wanted his boy to be happya man of many skillsand languagesa good heartcame to America and moved inand still inherited the fortuneand the apartment in Paris

well, I said, my life is blessed, but not like thatI launched into my storyand got lost somewhere in therecoming upon the stumbling block of my failed heartmy fouled bodyno idea where my future will gono innocence left to buy a Gepettojust my stubborn naïvetyto push through my insane hopesinto forbidden landscapesI cannot see clearlystory lost in the dark...

still, I have the ability to keep telling itto see it while it's happeningby the million different lights that fall upon itI can tell iteventuallyit will be told

little boysliving inman-bodiesI see their faces on the trainsskin grown thickbut a ball cap ontrying to look toughor flyDanny said I'm growing into my Man Body"you used to have such a boy body!" he said, "are you just going to let yourself get big?"as I grow upI can only hope the increase of my inner-size expands my bodyand not just the common bloating from lonliness and fear of feeling all the things I don't want to deal with

I hope I can meet it alland eat itand digest it welland grow up big and strongsolidcompleteI only hope...

Comments

Capricorns are supposed to be so independent and self-sufficient. But I think they have a weird attraction to Geminis. Maybe because Geminis are supposed to be so outgoing and young and free . . .and Capricorns are so dark and internal and restrained. They want what they feel like they can't be. I wish I knew more Capricorns.