News Round-up

SIR ALEX Ferguson has finally managed to gain control of the time/space continuum it has been announced. Speaking after this afternoon’s dramatic 4-3 win over Manchester City in which two extra minutes of injury time were added, it is thought by Ferguson’s mastery of time and space, enabling United substitute Michael Owen to grab an all-important winner, Ferguson remarked: “Kneel before me!” before disappearing in a flash of lightning. City manager Mark Hughes commented: “I must say, this makes a refreshing change. We just naturally assumed that United had bribed another ref.”

THE MAYOR of the Borough in which the 2012 Olympic games will be held has made an embarrassing, star-struck attempt to try and get Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger to come and be his friend. “Arnold used to use a gym in the borough in his body building days,” said Newham Mayor Sir Robin Wales, “and I’ve written to him to invite him to the games. I hope he’ll say ‘I’ll be back’ and agree to come.” The comment, a reference to Schwarzenegger’s catch-phrase in the Terminator movies, has caused widespread anger throughout the community, particularly amongst the local schools where effigies of the Mayor have been seen burning during lunch breaks.

PRINCE HARRY has turned 25 to the almost complete indifference of the nation. The Prince, who managed to complete a quarter of a century this weekend, probably celebrated in a manner that would upset or offend some minority or another, were the public even remotely interested in who he was, or what he actually represented. However, a recent poll suggested that a staggering 89% of the British public had no clue who Harry was. Furthermore, 42% physically assaulted the individual carrying out the survey for wasting their time once they had actually informed the participant who he was and that it was his birthday.

THERE’S ABSOLUTELY nothing on the telly tonight, according to a leading panel of experts, who have carried detailed research into the subject. The research included a poll of all their friends and neighbours, of which they said they had ‘loads’, and resulted in an overwhelming response. In total, 74% of respondents advised that ‘They agreed that there was nothing on the telly tonight’, adding that they ‘had work in the morning’ and would ‘probably just have an early night.’ Of the remainder, as many as 17% made the point that they ‘agreed that they had work in the morning’ but that they ‘weren’t ruling out putting on a DVD.’

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