Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Los Angeles. Zombie, the highest-paid actor on television, spent the last night in jail after being caught in a hotel room cavorting with a prostitute. Officers on the scene described total carnage, involving a ruined tv set, a giraffe that had apparently overdosed on percosset and crack cocaine, and a prostitute whose brain had been eaten.

"I don't see what the big deal is," explained the zombie, "everybody's just pissed cuz' I'm so much more awesome than they are."

Los Angeles County sheriff Martin Doddleman disagreed, however. "These zombies think that they're above the law," he explained. "I mean, if you or I were caught in a hotel room with a dead giraffe, we would be in jail for at least three years."

The zombie, who stars in the CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men," did not take these allegations seriously. "Look, if that sheriff or whoever wanted to have such an awesome life, he should have made all the smart choices I did. I think he's just jealous that I have the coolest life ever and he's a fucking cop," he told Splatitudes.

During an interview with ABC last night, the zombie called "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre "an excruciatingly bad writer," and said that "it's shocking how much of a untalented asshole he is given that he's Jewish." When asked to comment on the fact that these comments could be viewed in some circles as antisemitic, he countered, "Antisemitic? If somebody said I was good at eating brains, would that be anti-zombie? Psh."

While many are dismayed and insulted at this zombie's words, the prostitute's mother, who is herself a zombie, was not so ready to judge the actor that had murdered her daughter. "Man's gotta eat," she said.