Roger Goodell’s Week 5 State of the League address (probably)

Here’s a thing some of our fans need to keep in mind about the National Football League: our games are seen by tens of millions each week. People of all ages and sensibilities. Sure, our more mature viewers may be able to handle seeing suggestive celebrations by players, but that isn’t the case with everyone.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting at my desk, reading correspondence from fans, as I am wont to do. I’m a busy man who likes to give back, what can I say? So I was poring over a letter from a man named Jack Realfellow, an Army veteran of four tours and also a firefighter. Let me tell you some of the particulars which might help fans rethink their stance on provocative dances and the like.

Jack apologized for missing all of Week 1 Sunday because he was too busy remembering 9/11. That meant he would miss most of the season kickoff games, but not the Week 1 Monday night doubleheader. So Jack settled in on Monday with his 10-year-old daughter, Susie, to watch Pittsburgh and Washington battle it out.

It was an entertaining game full of big plays. Father and daughter were having a wonderful evening together, admiring the spectacle on the screen while catching up on the recent events of their lives.

That is, until Antonio Brown began twerking. For those unfamiliar, a twerk is a manner of shaking the buttocks in rapid motion while slightly bent over. I dare not go into too much detail because it really is lurid and almost animalistic in its depravity.

Susie, innocent darling that she is, saw this dance and made a noise that sounded like intrigue. It might have actually been hiccups, but there was no use in chancing it. Jack knew he had to act fast, so he locked her in her bedroom, only permitting her to come out for homeschool, to which she would be immediately be enrolled. Public school was no longer an option. There was no way he could lord over his daughter there with watchful, forbidding eyes. So now he has to commit all this extra time teaching his daughter and keeping guard of her bedroom around the clock.

That man’s life was irreparably changed in one night. What are amusing, yet frivolous dances to some are life-altering acts to others. The NFL is about family because the NFL is family. And if you think this sounds like we’re promoting sexism, remember October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so we can’t be sexist, so there.

The NFL is Releasing a Sex Tape

League officials will be putting out a video clarifying what counts as libidinous taunting by players. We’ll also tackle other kinds of taunting, since such penalties are up by more than 200 percent this year. Is that our fault? Of course not. Just because there are more penalties doesn’t mean we’re being more strict. There have just been more violations. All the more reason for us to stick to our guns. It’s the players who are at fault.

For instance, the league had to fine cornerback Josh Norman $10,000 for pretending to fire a bow and arrow on Sunday against the Browns. With the amount of archery accidents each year, a number I am told is very high, it sends the wrong message for the NFL to abide this celebration. We’ve all got to do better and recognize the threat of bow and arrow attacks around this nation.

Speaking of the Browns Game

There was a fumble ruling in the Cleveland game with which some fans disagreed. Rest assured, we’ve reviewed the footage extensively, coming to no other conclusion than that our officials were absolutely correct. When your eyes see a Browns player emerge with the football before possession is awarded to the Redskins, that’s merely your untrained eyes deceiving you. It’s an understandable mistake.

You Want Fun? You Get One Week And That’s It

PHILADELPHIA, PA – SEPTEMBER 25: A detailed view of a Nike cleat worn by Antonio Brown #84 of the Pittsburgh Steelers depicting his children during warm ups before playing against the Philadelphia Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field on September 25, 2016 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images)

The NFL announced this in September, but apparently everyone missed it so here it is again: In Week 13, players will be allowed to wear non-regulation socks to promote their pet causes or what have you, provided we find the cause appropriate. Get it out of your system. Because once the rest of the year gets underway, I don’t wanna see any more cop piggie socks or whatever you have planned. I’m being the good guy here!

1-3 Teams Are Still Alive So Do Keep Watching

I know all seems hopeless, but one 1-3 team won a championship. That means there’s precedent, so you have to stick with your team. Abandon now and hop back on the bandwagon later makes you a bad, bad fan. Practically the worst thing you can be.

Johnny Manziel. Not sure who else you might have been thinking of. How about that Carson Wentz? Kid is pretty good and he’s returning, in a sense. From his bye week. That counts. No one else is returning.

Peter King’s water dish beverage of the week

Neurosafe

Okay, fine, it’s Tom Brady returning. How about you try out that concussion protection water he used to hawk. That was even before Russell Wilson did it. Brady was the OG of quarterback pseudo-science. So if you hate because of concussions, you have to hate Tom Brady, because he’s a big liar.

Shield-Approved Narrative for Week 4

For the sake of objectivity, I can’t pick the winners of games — nor can I provide any commentary on gambling odds, since the NFL in no way endorses gambling. Besides, the free-to-use NFL.com fantasy leagues are so intuitive and fun that there’s no need to complicate them by wagering money.

Instead, I will share a few things I am looking for in this weekend’s games. Please bear in mind these do not reflect the views of the office of commissioner and are simply a few personal wishes.

LANDOVER, MD – OCTOBER 2, 2016: Linebacker Christian Kirksey #58 and cornerback Briean Boddy-Calhoun #20 of the Cleveland Browns celebrate a sack by Boddy-Calhoun during a game against the Washington Redskins on October 2, 2016 at FedEx Field in Landover, Maryland. Washington won 31-20. (Photo by Nick Cammett/Diamond Images/Getty Images)

New England at Cleveland

We definitely didn’t get any calls wrong last week against Cleveland, but if we did, it might have been a way to rile up the Browns. Keep them downtrodden and angry. Make me go a little crazy, knowing they’ve been so close to victory yet cheated until one of them just snaps and goes low on the other team’s golden boy quarterback. I mean, that’s definitely not the case. At all. Just an interesting scenario, y’know.

Atlanta at Denver

Didn’t expect this to be an early game of the year candidate, huh? Some game that Julio Jones had last week. Should be interesting to see how he fares against a cornerback who shoots himself in the leg. Because that’s what happened.

Houston at Minnesota

What a jewel that new stadium is. Makes you wish your local representatives would get off their duff and find some new funding for one in your market just like it. It’s even got virtual reality experience inside, so you can experience what the Vikings would be like if they had a Super Bowl trophy. Ho ho, that’s rich, but seriously it cost taxpayers $6 million.

About Mike Tunison

Mike Tunison is a freelance writer, former editor of Kissing Suzy Kolber, and author of The Football Fan's Manifesto. He has no outrageous food takes though is interested in a bite of what you have there. Looks good.

"I sent a text to each player individually to present an opportunity for open communication with me. Many members of our team chose to respond and have more in-depth conversations about issues and feelings. Marvin is right. It was a mistake to use the word 'every.' Particularly at this time, words are important, and I'm sorry."

"I sent a text to each player individually to present an opportunity for open communication with me. Many members of our team chose to respond and have more in-depth conversations about issues and feelings. Marvin is right. It was a mistake to use the word 'every.' Particularly at this time, words are important, and I'm sorry."