Sunday, October 12, 2008

Adding up of days

An adding up of days has occurred since I last typed in this space.

Since that time, the same thought has occurred to me several times; the world really is a beautiful place, and the life you use to navigate it is as well. This happens to me mostly when I am walking home alone somewhat late at night. I realize that my body is a bit chilled, and I look up to the sky to keep my soul from doing the same. Usually, what I find is a mass of red, yellow and orange leaves bustling in the wind, set off against the damp sky in strangely electric shades that do not correlate with the backdrop's naturalness. That is the best part about it - these two entities of natural sky and tainted leaves coming up against one another is a sickly fascinating allegory of the interaction between what is and what should or shouldn't be.

Ok, I am done being all Robert-Frost. . . for now.

Upon request, I have posted a pic with some of my roommates - it from a night we went out for a goodbye party for one of their managers at work;

Talia is not in this picture (nor is Jayla), but Rebecca is the one in the purple shirt with her arms spread, and Steph is to her right with the black shirt and long blond hair.

I have been doing a lot of writing in my normal journal this week, and at one point, I spent some time thinking about the roommates. While it is nice to be able to control your own space when you live alone, and it can be difficult to adjust to other people's habits, I must say that on the whole, I am very glad to have moved in with these ladies. It has been great to have a built in support system, and I think we have come to care for each other's well-being quite a bit. When thinking about this, I realized that I often do not outrightly express my gratitude for people - it is much easier, for most people, to express negatives rather than positives without even realizing this. Upon realizing, I made a note to myself that I wanted to be sure to counter the negatives by remembering to tell them that I really am gratful for them. And I did - what timing, Thanksgiving and all.

Some thoughts from the week (as tracedin my journal);

"Guilt is just your ego's way of tricking you into thinking that you are making moral progress. Don't fall for it." - 'Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

"We have hands; We can stand on them if we want to. That's our priviledge. That's the joy of a mortal body. And that's why God needs us. Because God loves to feel things through his hands." - 'Eat, Pray, Love" - This, folks, is why dancing IS an expression of humanity, spiritual or not. Silly Baptists.

Hobo is short for Homeward Bound.

I have resolved to be more free with my money when it comes to artistic enrichment. In the past year or so, I have convinced myself that all spare dollars must be saved, and that kept me from jazz concerts, auditions, etc. In retrospect, this affinity for saving is what helped me be able to be here, but nonetheless, me being here has helped me realize that there are great things to experience that sometimes need a bit more ka-ching. And if you have it, you should be able to use it once in awhile.

I can see why people plan for and enjoy their weekends - not because they do not like their job necessarily, but for want of variety. It seems that no matter how much I change up my schedule (for example, my schedule before moving here was different every day of the week, but the weeks were the same, and that still was not good enough for me!). What comes out of this is realizing that it is ok to look forward to weekends as long as you do not dread your job, and that I may just have to be prepared for a lifetime of switching up my schedule when I recognize that I have found a pattern.

When noticing that I still have been pulling some items out of a suitcase each day, I pondered if not having little things to make this place feel like home, such as a dresser, is keeping me from feeling solid here. I arrived at the idea that it does not take purchase of goods to create a home (which is good, considering that I quite do not have the budget to purchase such things). It takes the finding of elements such as places (DJD, ATP, Purple Perk, Cafe Beano, Calgary Farmer's Market, even the Safeway grocery!), and people/ support system (roommates, Joanne, Vicki, classmates) to really create a sense of orientation and identification with a space. I am glad to report that I am filling in those blanks, and I am feeling as though I do belong here for the purpose it is serving right now. And for that, I am thankful (once again, what timing - Thanksgiving).

There is only so much you can do with your time, even when you have a lot of it. Sometimes, when you have a lot of it, your brain gets fried up from trying to fit in too many things. I have felt guilty about not spending mroe of my 'free time' trying to do more research about jazz history, grant possibilities, background info for the projects I would like to start in the near future, etc. But I have been doing quite a bit of it, and quite a bit can have a mental limit. Additionally, there is often only so much you can find out about something until you have to just do it. So this is not complacency, but processing the amount I can to remain productive and balanced.

It is dually frustrating and exciting to not know where I am going to be next year - DJD, JRJP, Surrey, at home.....who knows. But I guess this all comes full-circle back to the sickly fascinating allegory of the interaction between what is and what should or shouldn't be.

Those are the thoughts backlogged from the week. In terms of new thoughts since I last journalled; my brain is pretty emptied but still slightly fried from all of the above. Processing these and other little businessy details. Big news not touched upon; Jayla wants to move out. I have already spent so much time trying to process this that I do not have the desire to process it more. But more to be said when action is taken - right now, the whole issue is just stalled. I am trying to get my brain as empty as I can, so I can approach with a clean slate when I sit down next to write her a letter - the only way I think I will be able to communicate effectively.

One last thing - I went to the house of the Artistic Director, Vicki, to clean for a few hours for her. It was quite a treat to hear some great jazz (she has a full speaker system wired through her house), see her literal walls of books and music on jazz and dance, and to get to chat with her. It is nice to know that I have support here - she asked if I would like to clean for her here and there when she heard that I have been having a difficult time making money. I thought it was extremely thoughtful of her to consider that. I look forward to my next cleaning date!