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Saturday, May 7, 2011

Today has been a great day over all but as the day ends my sadness, emptiness, and fears rush through my body. For the last two weeks I have tried really hard to be strong and not to think about Mother's day at all to prevent any anxiety and until mid day I was fine.

James and I went to have dinner to celebrate his upcoming birthday coming up on Tuesday May 10, which by the way he was born on the official Mother's day in Mexico. No matter if is Monday, Tuesday or any day during the week May 10th is the day we celebrate our moms.

It was fun to got and have dinner at a place we don't go often and the go for our usual cup of Starbucks! Once we sat outside with this beautiful night I confessed to him that while running the streets today I saw many moms with their children and a couple of them they had children with down syndrome.

I confessed to my husband that I envy them because even though I do not know the intensity and challenge of having a child with down syndrome I wish God would of allowed us to walk that road with Luke.

My mind was also playing tricks in my head thinking "maybe God changed his mind thinking James and could not handle raising Luke and giving him a good life style". But then I ask myself "what can of God do I serve?" I serve God almighty which is ALWAYS in control and know exactly what he is doing with our lives. I also keep reminding myself of how God will not give us something we can not bear with....

It sometimes feels difficult to keep faith that one day we will have a kids considering since we lost two babies in 9 months. Nine months...It sounds surreal and it feels surreal!! I had not grasped the loss of one when I loose another one.

I know tomorrow will be very difficult for me and I am hoping that God will give me the strength to get through the day...to get through my 1st Mother's day with out both of my babies here on earth.

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It has always been difficult to describe myself, but I have always have been able to say thatI am a caring, sympathertic, loving person. After the rough end of 2009/2010 I can not describe myself because it seems like I no longer know me.