I’m Taking a Vow of Silence

I’ve noticed lately that I talk a lot without really thinking about what I’m saying. It’s as if I’m not very present in my own life. My daughter will talk to me and I’ll “uh-huh” and “yeah” as though engaged, but I find I’m not really paying attention to what she’s saying. I do the same thing to my husband. And all three of us constantly interrupt each other, which is irritating to everyone.

Sometimes I yell. I know, I’m a horrible parent. I don’t WANT to yell, but I was raised in the home of yellers, so it’s really a challenge not to slip back into those conditioned responses. I’m getting a lot better though. I used to yell every day. Now it’s more like once every week or two. But I still do it once in a while, and that’s not okay with me. It makes my daughter feel scared and small. It makes me feel mean and big. Like a bully. But that’s a different post.

I don’t like any of it. I’m tired of being in the same old ruts. I want to make a change.

So I’ve been contemplating all these things and wondered what it would be like to be silent for a specified time period. I mean, we’ve played “The Quiet Game” enough times for me to know that it will be very difficult for me to be silent for ANY period of time, let alone a few days or even weeks. But the silence intrigues me. What will I find there?

I can already see a few things that could happen:

I may learn to really listen to those around me, instead of waiting for a break (or worse, interrupting) in order to express my own thought or opinion.

In finding new ways to communicate, my relationships with both my husband and my daughter may strengthen and deepen.

I may learn more about myself and may find more depth in my spiritual practice.

After proposing this idea to Z and listening to her desires, I needed to modify my vow a bit. So on this, Z’s 7th birthday, my gift to her is a month of my silence, with the exception of necessary conversation with her in order to meet her needs. I will speak to no one else. It will be a month of listening to her without interrupting. A month of finding new ways to communicate and connect to each other. A month of learning about myself and the world around me.

Noel, you didn’t miss a post. I had some very interesting insights during the month, but I was also ill for much of the time, as you know. Because of that, I was unable to do the update as I had planned, and then so much time had passed that I thought it would no longer be relevant.