1} If you must take a shot of yourself in your bathroom/bedroom, then clean it first. You are less attractive surrounded by your rat’s nest of a home. Sure, my bedroom needs work but I don’t post photos of it and female visitors only see the ceiling (or the headboard).

2} To the ladies: Men are not vitamins so putting as many as you can in you will not make you healthier; you want dad’s attention, not a million guys you’ve never met.

3} If your iPhone is so g☼ddamn miraculous, then why not use the timer–feature to take the photo so you don’t have to hold it? Or is the double hit of mirror+photo too soothing to your narcissism?

“First of all, I’d like to say good luck. Dating me is no easy feat. In fact, a former beau once compared my complexity to a Rubik’s cube, so you’re in for a real treat. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you. And since this is just round one, let’s start off with a few basic ground rules …”

“Please don’t be married…. if you can’t fight the uncontrollable urge to lie about your marital status, you should probably Google your own name to make sure your wedding registry isn’t the first thing that pops up….It’s just not a good look for you. Or your marriage. Or men in general. God, I hate dating.”

“Now I know you’re a fan of the booze — and sometimes vodka tends to get the best of you. But when this happens, please don’t bark at strangers on the street. Sometimes even vodka can’t excuse you for getting on all fours in the middle of Manhattan……”

“Since you’ve successfully scored my number, I’m assuming we’ll be texting a bit before we decide to meet up again. Texting is a great way to keep in touch, we can totally do that. But please don’t accidentally send me a video of a random girl doing a striptease in your hotel room. Thanks for the gesture, but I’m totally good without it…”

“While I appreciate your enthusiasm, please don’t get ahead of yourself. We are not instantly married. Relationships take time to develop. Refrain from uttering brilliant one-liners like “we could have our last first kiss.” ….Too much too soon is creepy. It’s overkill. And honestly, it makes me feel like I’m smothered in a corner. Nobody puts baby in the corner.”

“Aaaaaaand that about sums it up. Now, if by any means you think any of my requests are out of line, please feel free to turn the other way and never speak to me again. Otherwise, we should be in good shape. So tell me about yourself, do you frequently do yard work with your shirt off?

Love Always, Stefanie”

Now, watch VERY closely—

“First of all, I’d like to say good luck. Though you won’t need it; dating me is an easy feat. In fact, some former girlfriends are still in love with me. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you. And since this is just round one, let’s start off with a few basic ground rules …”

“Please don’t be fat…. if you can’t fight the uncontrollable urge to shovel cupcakes [all women love cupcakes] in your mouth, you should probably Google your own name to make sure photos of you competing with other dirigibles for hangar space don’t pop up….It’s just not a good look for you. Or any woman, really. God, I hate dating.”

“Now I know you’re a fan of drama—and sometimes drama tends to get the best of you. But when this happens, please don’t claim every woman in your life is trying to destroy you. Sometimes even drama can’t distract me from how utterly vapid and plebeian you are…”

“Since you’ve successfully scored my number, I’m assuming we’ll be texting a bit before we decide to meet up again—since women need that extra layer between themselves and commitment, these days. Texting is a lame way to keep in touch; however, we can do that. But please don’t intentionally send me one word answers or emoticons. Thanks for the gesture, but I’m totally good without them or, when it comes down to it, you…”

“While I appreciate your enthusiasm, please don’t get ahead of yourself. This is not Target and, even if it happens to be, I’m certainly not on the shelf. Relationships take time to develop. Refrain from uttering brilliant one-liners like “so what’s your job/income/kind of car do you drive?” ….Too superficial, too transparent = creepy. It’s terrifying. And honestly, it makes me feel like I’m a wallet with ears. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.”

“Aaaaaaand that about sums it up. Now, if by any means you think any of my requests are out of line, please feel free to comfort–eat yourself [and your rationalization hamster] into a diabetic coma. Otherwise, we should be in good shape. So tell me about yourself, do you frequently do house–work in a saucy, French maid outfit?

Love maybe,

A♠”

Of course, having met neither of us, the default assumption for the masses will be:

She’s just a fun, sassy gal being strong/assertive and doesn’t mean any harm.

While I’m a bitter, angry, cruel misogynist with a small penis that can’t get laid and will die alone.

“To be honest, if we’re gonna do this, I just kind of want a set plan and nothing too crazy. It’s just I don’t know you at all and it makes me nervous,” I finally said. There – is that straightforward enough for you?

He proceeded by telling me that I’m a “bright girl” and that this is a quality he likes about me. This was followed by the plan for our supposed date. It all sounded nice, but it was a trifecta of a date including a stroll around the park, drinks and dancing in one part of town, and a comedy show in another. I must admit, as much as I love commitment (I truly am a relationship type), I also hate commitment. I don’t like plans and I don’t like being tied into things. My friends and I often joke about not using the “P” word (plans, if that wasn’t obvious).