Even in the midst of this fiery financial hellscape that is going to kill us all, there are still plenty of opportunities for investors.

For some reason it is a good time to be selling meals that cost 89 cents.

Being something of a streetwise businessman, I jumped on this good news. I ran right out and put everything into Campbell’s soup stock. I got beef stock, I got vegetable stock, I got chicken stock.

Now these cans, or “shares” as we call them in the finanicial world, of Campbell’s soup are going to put me on easy street.

When my financial advisor tells me to get liquid assets, I listen. Campbell’s gonna to make me mmmm, mmmm, rich.

Only problem is these cans aren’t as much fun to frolick in as regular cash. After that, I was seeing chicken with stars.

So Nation, don’t panic. Our country’s gonna be fine. But, if it isn’t, remember who has all the soup.

Nation, the 24 hour news cycle, you’ve got so many hungry news anchors out there trying to get your attention, they all blend together to form one hideous beast which I call Larry Wolfolberaldodoocey360.

Now in the old days, the public wasn’t informed every time President Taft got stuck in a bathtub, or stuck in a horse carriage, or stuck in a triumphal arch.

But these days, the second something happens, the press is all over it like a bunch of drunk badgers. I mean, just look at this headline: Colbert Calls Press Drunk Badgers.

Because, if a candidate says something completely innocent like “the fundamentals of the economy are strong”, it can be misconstrued when taken in context. Like, say, in the early moments of a once-in-a-century meltdown of our economic fundamentals.

For one thing, reporting a successful space mission before it happens is a lot easier than building a soundstage in Arizona. [Soundstage Actually Made In China]

We can stay ahead of the biased mainstream press by reporting the facts before they actually exist. John McCain is already on board. [The “Straight Talk Titanic”]

He was able to get his version of the story out before the press could mangle it with what happened. [Winner Fakes All]

Secretary Paulsen and the Bush Administration are only slightly responsible. [And Even Less Effective]

We all know that Sarah Palin has a lot of foreign policy experience, because from Alaska, she can see Russia. [But Not Evolution]

So when Palin looks at it, she’s actually seeing the future. [Where She Got Her Kids’ Names]

If pre-reporting the future works, we can base opinions and decisions of today on facts that don’t exist yet, and build our own bridge to the future. [Nowhere]

I’m ready to make my own prediction. The issue that will determine our next president will be which candidate gets more votes.

That means I win my McCain tax cut. Hope it’s $700 billion dollars.

How could anyone make a decision before they find out next week that Obama voted to replace the word “God” in the pledge of allegiance with the phrase “Gay Baby.” “One nation, under Gay Baby.” McCain is working on the ad.

When it comes to voters, it should be quality, not quantity.

Maybe some fast food chain needs a new name for its hamburger, and it’s up to you to decide whether it’s called The Beeficaine or The Meat Quencher. By the way, clearly Meat Quencher. Beeficaine hates America.

What is worse, half of those supporting McCain are hipster voters who are only voting for him ironically.

Remember, when you vote for a candidate, you’re actually voting for every stance they’ve ever held.

Voter abstinence – because if you’re old enough to vote, you’re old enough not to.

Stephen: Knowledge is power. Shouldn’t it be NIP? For Knowledge. N-O-L-E-J.

Stephen: Does that mean that you pump them full of steroids? Do your teachers have 36″ necks?

Levin: No steroids. But, we could think about knowledge like a steroid for our kids’ futures.

Stephen: No, I like it. Sounds dangerous.

Stephen: Lottery. Wow, so this is like an experiment where you’re just growing a generation of lucky people.

Stephen: Is this a cult? Sounds like a cult. Especially all that “now” stuff. Sounds mystical.

Levin: More like magical.

Stephen: Like Hogwarts.

Stephen: Why wouldn’t they learn just as much working 10 hours changing bobbins in a textile factory. I mean, back in the day we didn’t have the problems we have with kids today, and that’s because they were too busy counting how many fingers they had left.

Levin: None of our teachers ever wake up in the middle of the night wondering why we’re on the planet.

Stephen: That is especially good now when so many people wake up and say, “Is there still a planet?”