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freedom & being fierce

I wrote this in August of last year and never got around to posting it, but I thought I would today. I thought maybe someone might need to read it. Let’s have a discussion in the comments ♡

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I’ve been feeling extremely fierce lately. I feel like there could be anger bubbling up inside of me and instead of turning that into a negative thing or letting it evolve into hatred, it’s made me become fierce.

I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I’ve hit a dead end. I’m only 19 but I feel as though I’ve hit a brick wall and can’t get past it, I don’t know what’s next. There’s so many things I want to do, so many people I want to meet, so many experiences I want to have yet what am I doing? I’m in a 9-5 job doing the same routine every day, I live in a country with grey, miserable weather, I spend most of my time indoors due to my job and I have no one that I connect with on any sort of level (creative etc.) and I just think, what am I doing with my life? Where is it going? I know the argument is that I’m only 19, I’m not even out of my teenage years yet and I’m aware of this however, I’m also aware of the fact that I’m wasting so much time. I’m not doing anything, I’m not feeling anything or experiencing anything and I want to. I need to. I’m such a creative person and a free spirit yet I’m trapped by the confinements of what is now my everyday life, doing the same monotonous thing every day, waiting for the weekend to arrive only to feel disheartened about how much time I’m wasting and the fact I’m not doing anything with it. I don’t feel like I should have to feel this drained so young, so what can I do? I’m stuck, I’m at a point where I’ve ticked off most of the things that people generally would like to achieve I think – good qualifications? tick. get your driver’s license? tick. get a stable, well paying job? tick. get your own car? tick.

The next thing on the list would be to move out, get married, start a family & have kids. Etc. Etc. The usual. I’m 19 and don’t need to move out, as much as I would love my own space I don’t need to rent out my own place and spend money just to prove a point if you like. I don’t want to settle down, I don’t want children yet and so where does this leave me?

I’ve realised none of these things mean anything to me, they’re not fulfilling me. They’re not feeding my soul. I yearn for freedom, experience, nature, simplicity, real connections and creativity. Something that I’m definitely not getting where I am right now, people say to just stick it out but I’ve been doing that for years now and it’s honestly draining the life out of me. I feel so numb, so lifeless. Nothing is making me happy, nothing is making me feel anything, it’s all just the same old same old. I feel like a flower that’s slowly wilting away because I’m not turning my face towards the sun. I’m not getting the things I need in order to grow.

So what do I do I hear you ask? Run away to a foreign country with beautiful weather? Cut my hair and move across the world to a place where no one knows my name? I don’t know is the answer. I don’t know.

I could travel and move somewhere, but the problem is that things cost money, and also as a 19 year old girl I’d rather not travel to foreign territories on my own where I can’t speak the language and have no idea what I’m doing. As much as the dream is still alive and kicking, I do have to come back down to Earth for a little while to consider the practicalities. Yes I can buy a plane ticket or get a visa (which costs a lot in the first place), but then how am I going to sustain myself? How do I guarantee myself a job? Even if I do get one, is it going to be a sustainable income? Am I going to be safe? Can I afford to rent somewhere on my own or will I have to move in with strangers? There are so many things to consider and at 19 I’m not ready to do that solely by myself just yet. Which then attracts the point of maybe I’m not as ready as I think I am – but I am ready to go and to be free, I’d just rather go and do that with another person at this moment in time. Maybe in a few years when I’ve gained more life experience then I’ll embark on this journey by myself but as of right now, I’d love a companion. The problem? I don’t have one, and even if I did – there’s a good chance their circumstances would be different to mine and they wouldn’t be able to just get up and leave everything in the click of a finger.

People make it look so easy, but when you try to be realistic about these things it doesn’t feel that way at all, and I think that’s what makes me a little angry. That’s why I’m feeling fierce, determined. Am I supposed to sit here just simply existing and not feeling anything? Embarking on the same routine, every day, every week for the next however many years? Surrounded by grey skies and gloomy weather, feeling like the life and soul is being drained out of me day by day? I don’t want to. It’s not fair on myself, it’s not fair on any of the other people who feel this way and want to get out. But what can I do? People say you always have a choice, but do you?

I want to take the chance, of course I do. But it’s not as simple as ‘girl frees herself from dead end life and travels across the world on wild adventure to find freedom’. People make it look that way, but in reality, it’s not that simple.

Or maybe it is, maybe I’m over thinking and complicating things much more than they need to be, maybe I won’t run out of money, maybe I won’t have to share a room with strangers, maybe I’ll find a suitable job and it won’t take me months to meet people and find friends, maybe I won’t find it difficult to catch a flight to the other side of the world on my own when I used to find it hard to even catch the bus. I don’t know. When I say I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing, I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like if I had someone to embark on and share this journey with; all of these worries would go away. But again, I don’t have anybody and I don’t feel like I will for a long time, definitely not anywhere in the near future. So what’s left to do?

One of the reasons I started this blog is because I needed a creative outlet, all I ever do is write, whether that’s about people or poetry or just journal entries to capture how I’m feeling in that moment. My books are completely filled with words, drawings, polaroids, pressed flowers etc. I’m constantly creating. I wanted to put that somewhere, to mark it down and to share it with other people, so here I am. I’m really enjoying it and appreciate the fact it allows me to write things like this in the hopes that other people will read it and maybe feel the same way I do, it’s a big world out there and it feels even bigger when you’re by yourself. I can’t find my people, I can’t seem to find people that I connect with on that level and I’m not sure what to do, I want to become the girl I know I can be but I’m finding it hard when it feels like there are obstacles constantly blocking my way.

I hope this post didn’t sound too depressing or angry, I definitely didn’t intend for it to come across that way but reading back over it, I can’t help but feel like it did. I’m just a bit tired of the same old same old and needed somewhere to put my thoughts. If you’ve read this far then thank you, I appreciate you for taking the time to listen to me.

Maybe in a few months or a few years I’ll be that girl on the other side of the world living the life she’s always dreamed of and becoming the person she’s always wanted to be, but for now I guess I’ll have to stay right where I am whilst I try to figure it out.

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19 thoughts on “freedom & being fierce”

Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssss!!!!!!!!!! Chloe, this actually brought tears to my eyes. THIS IS ME. RIGHT NOW. THIS.IS.ME. I’m 19 now and I feel like it’s such a useless age – I’m too inexperienced or young or broke to do half the things I want to do, so I kind of feel like I’m just floating without any sort of direction. Here’s to figuring it all out and eventually being able to fulfill our travel dreams! xxxx

Ohh girly 😦 I wish I could give you the biggest hug. Honestly 19 was a crappy age for me too, I felt like I didn’t do anything of any substance and it was just kind of an in between stage and essentially a whole year that I wasted, but I’m glad to have got it over with anyway. I 100% feel the same way as you and feel like I’m just floating sometimes with no sense of direction, but I think it’s just an age thing and I guess only time will tell – it’s important to remind ourselves that in the grand scheme of things we still have so much time, even though it never feels that way in the current moment xxxxx

Omg this one of the best blog posts of you that I’ve ever read 😍😍😍👌 I feel exactly the same way. I still need to learn to ride one day and am looking for a job but fear gets in the way and also the fact what you just wrote. I want to be young, wild and free and go on adventures and meet awesome people. Let’s travel the world together girl haha 😘 I see many people doing that and living that life but I’m scared to do that alone. It’s so much better with someone and when you’re ready to do it alone. I’m 25 now and feel exactly the same way. I love to write, to sing, travel, surf and photography. I always thought to be a singer but I don’t wanna be famous so that wouldn’t be my thing. I love to inspire people and write. I wish to meet you one day and go on an adventure with you. I went on adventures before and I can’t wait to travel more and experience more things in life because that’s what make me purposeful.

Ahhhhh you are the loveliest 💛 EVER. Let’s go travelling !! I’m super sure we will meet one day and we can go on some adventures. I too always look at other people and think wow, I wish that was me, but on the flip side we have to remember that people only ever show you the good parts of their life – they only show you what they want you to see which I think we’re all guilty of in some way or another. Hopefully we get to figure things out soon xxx

Oh, I 100% feel the same way! I’m 24 now but when I was 20, I had the chance to study abroad in Greece for my English degree (as part of the Erasmus scheme). I didn’t go in the end because I chickened out – I was terrified I wouldn’t find accomodation because that was left up to us (bit harsh I think!) and I’d never been travelling by myself before so that freaked me out. I thought to myself, ‘I’d be a blonde, foreign girl walking around Greece alone, I will definitely get kidnapped.’ I probably wouldn’t have! I also had the dream to live in Paris but again, reality hit and I got too nervous. So, moral of this post – don’t be like me! Get out there, do your thing, don’t worry. I’ve sinced moved to Devon (500 miles from Edinburgh, my city) and I now know that I can live away from my family and get used to new things if I just let myself. I’m not 100% happy here because it’s not where I want to be, but I chose to be with my boyfriend. But I know that if I can make a big life change, then you can. Maybe just start small.. I don’t know where you live but maybe take a day trip somewhere a few hours away and spend time with yourself. Work up to a city break abroad. Maybe go for those real gap experiences where you can work with turtles in Costa Rica with like minded people (that was one of my goals). That way, you’re not alone but you’re experiencing life. Hugs 🙂

24 is still so young !! I think we all have this idea (I know I definitely do) that we’re all wasting time and getting so old that before we know it we’re going to run out of time, which in a sense is true but also I have to constantly remind myself that I’m ONLY 20 and it’s fine if I haven’t moved to the other side of the world yet or done all of the things I’m setting out to do, in the grand scheme of things we all have so much time !! I know exactly what you’re saying and even though you didn’t go to Greece or Paris, you’re in Devon now which is still such a big move (I’m super jealous btw, I love Devon) and at least you’ve tried it and know you’re not 100% happy there, which is better than never trying it at all. Maybe you can use that experience to think about what things would have been like if you’d moved to Paris e.g. “I’m glad I didn’t spend all that money to move out there because from what I’ve experienced now, I might not have liked it as much as I thought” – am I making sense ?? I feel like I just ramble hahaha. This was really inspiring and thank you for taking the time out to comment – I really do want to volunteer (like with baby elephants and stuff, come on) but again, I’m just worried about being on my own. I think when the time is right for me, I’ll know about it xxx

I love that you shared this! it can definitely feel a bit monotonous. I’m glad you’re still being creative, that always helps me! sometimes it sounds like a dream to just up & move off to another place 🙂

Oh my god CHLOE I LOVE THIS SO SO MUCH! Sometimes I think we’re literally the same person in different places…this was honestly my mind like 2 weeks ago. I really wanted to disappear to costa rica and volunteer, but was fucking terrified to go alone and money and language barriers and all these problems! Girl, yesterday I booked my visa for australia and I’m moving out there in September with two girls I met two days ago! xxxxx

You literally have no idea how much jealously fills me when I read that 😭😭 (it’s like, fully fledged rage) WHERE did you meet these people ?!?!? Where can I meet them ??!! Aus is the only place I’ve ever wanted to be, it’s been my dream ever since I even knew what it was. Can I come and live with you out there??!!!?? xxxxxx

If I think back to last Summer, I feel like I can relate to what you are saying but 9 months on, I find that that is not the case anymore. I have found people who are similar to me and people that are different to me – I feel the most free I have felt in a while, mostly because I am finally free of higher education and am ready to fully embrace adulthood and who I am. I hope that you read this in a different mindset to that of which you wrote it in and can recognize how far you have come. xx

That makes me so glad to hear, I’m so happy for you! I do feel differently now, yes. Not a lot but I’ve definitely moved on with it a little therefore it shows that even though my growth may be slow, it’s still happening. Thanks for reading lovely xx

Oh wow, what a mouthful. I actually feel really sorry for you, because there’s nothing worse than to work your absolute butt of everyday and running around like a headless chicken – and then realising; Why am I doing this, when it’s not even making me feel happy?
Not that I can legit solve your problem (I wish I could though) However, I think it’s very important to ask yourself the question: What makes me happy? And you’ve already listed a fair few dear. Maybe you should try list all the things that you’re currently doing in your life, and then scale them from 1-10 on how happy they make you (you know your job, your blog etc.) Then you should maybe consider doing more of what makes you happy – but still being aware of that a work is still a good safety to have.
Last thing, you’re ‘only’ 19 (said the 15 year old girl haha) Like you have SO SO much time to figure out what you want to do. Like don’t you dare start thinking about houses, kids and bills – You’re at the peek point of your life; you’re young and waiting for what’s to come. But instead of waiting, you should DO and DECIDE what’s to come – because it’s you bloody life <3!!
Sry, for this essay haha – I just though it may help you <3333 You're stronger and braver than you think (always remember that, sweetie)

Hahaha oooohhhhhh you are the CUTEST. Thank you so much for this. Just like you said, I read somewhere that in order to kind of find your niche, you should rank the things in your life in order of what makes you happy and try to reach more towards those. I’m 20 now and like I said this post was from last year and even though I still relate to a lot of it, not ALL of it completely which means I must be making some sort of progress at least! (I hope). I definitely think it’s a case of looking at your options and seeing what makes you most to least happy, but just like you said I do still have lots of time and I think I forget that at some points, I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts it’s like I forget how to breathe. I am at the peak point in my life though !! I need to remember that. You should definitely be a motivational speaker this was so helpful, it’s my life and I need to take control of it, right? Don’t be sorry for your essay hehee I love long comments, especially yours! Sending lots of love your way 💞 thank you for reading!! xxx

That’s the way to go!! And thank you so much btw – It’s not every day I get told to become a motivation speaker (haha) I just like helping people out, mainly because I’ve stood in a lot of situations myself where I wish I had someone helping and motivating me ❤ Which is one of the main reasons I started blogging – to create a helpful and caring community.
Yes, you're the writer of your own story (very cliche I know, but it doesn't make it less true though – omg that rimed) I'm glad we found each other's blogs! Sending all the support and love you may ever be in need of ❤ xxx

“Above all else, it is about leaving a mark that I existed: I was here. I was hungry. I was defeated. I was happy. I was sad. I was in love. I was afraid. I was hopeful. I had an idea and I had a good purpose and that’s why I made works of art.”