First of all, while I have read a few other stories that dealt with Fred's death, I haven't read anything that has dealt with it in such a visceral way before! So far I've been totally captivated. I was especially struck by the section where George lets Lee believe he is Fred, and loses his twin all over again when Percy corrects him.

I think your descriptions of the fighting and chaos are great. I love how you work sight, sound and feel into your writing. This is probably my favorite sentence: "I opened Fred's mouth, peeled his voice out of my parched throat. It was like pulling off adhesive tape from skin."

Have you thought about smell and taste? How would the dust coating George's mouth and lungs taste? What kinds of smells would he experience during the battle?

I wasn't confused by your writing style, or struck by any cliches or gag-inducing melodrama. :) I could definitely see this story continuing on. I am curious to know more about how George deals with Fred's death in the battle's aftermath. I'm also curious to see what Fred is up to, now that he's dead.

Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review, Elphaba!

Yes, I'm aware that there are lots of stories revolving around Fred and George and Fred's death =) I've been trying to write a new spin on it...to make the best of unoriginal subject matter. And I hope I've done OK so far.

Thanks for the examples; I will definitely consider adding more textures and sensations to my story. It would heighten the visceral sense even more.