Why haven’t you each left your unsatisfying marriages and become a couple? Or is the other reality that would only one of you consider that?

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:29:39 PM

We're both in our 20's, have been friends for years, tried dating but it didn't work. We love each other but aren't in love. Neither has found anyone and so we are FWB. We both know it will end if one of us finds someone to be with, but until then we are still best friends. Its the weirdest relationship either of us has had, sometimes its frustrating, but it seems to work for now.

by Kellina edited by life12/12/2012 5:30:02 PM

So what’s frustrating? And can you handle it if he’s the one who ends the “for now” first?

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:30:39 PM

I am a divorced mom of two nearly adolescents - I tried a bit of dating off and on but not very satisfactory. The men all assumed that because I was a single mom I was desperate to get them entangled. I own my own house, have a busy and successful career and two great kids. I met up with an old flame from university about three years ago throught a mutual friend after not seeing him for many years and he had recently come through a nasty separation from a long term relationship. We have fallen into a comfortable FWB relationship - we also attend functions together on occasion - no pretence, great companionship. The reasons why it didn't work out the first time are still there, and we kind of joke about it. But it gives us both what we want for now.

by busybee12/12/2012 5:31:19 PM

For you, this is a good pause, because your kids need more of your time and it's distracting to date and have the ups and downs of a serious relationship.BUT if you rely too strongly on this fwb, you'll not be sure when to move on, or you'll do so suddenly and hurtfully when you meet someone. And the same applies to his potential for dropping you. So be sure at different stages to examine the situation and your feelings.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:33:39 PM

Hurt" describes the relationship grey zone that's so prevalent today. Many people assume that once they start dating—or having sex—they're in a committed monogamous relationship, even if they never discussed the subject. One thinks there's no exclusivity until she gets a ring, while the other has decided to stay faithful unilaterally. An affair is when both partners agree that they're in a committed relationship and one of them breaks that by being intimately involved with someone else. "Hurt's" fiancée didn't explicitly cheat, but she probably knew he wouldn't be happy with her having another man "friend," so she may have lied by omission. Different people, different rules. Whatever the arrangement, both sides need to be clear and up front, including the one who may feel more committed and should declare his/her feelings, so no one gets hurt

by Miss P.12/12/2012 5:35:31 PM

I find it difficult to have FWB. I need the connection in and out of bed, while men its just sex. When they think you are getting too close, they drop you like a hot potato. I'm always getting hurt! Can I change these FWB into a relationship?

by ginger12/12/2012 5:36:55 PM

Hey Ginger – Once is a lesson, twice a pattern, and more than that is blind stubbornness. Fact – You don’t do well with an FWB relationship. I’m guessing you keep going into them, then, because you think that’s all you can get. That’s plain self-defeating.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:37:59 PM

I had a salesman friend who stayed with me a few days whenever in my town. He told great stories, funny jokes, we had a lot of fun. We got very used to each other sexually so I missed him in between. He didn’t talk much about his life because we had so little time together. Then I didn’t hear from him for two years. I finally got a phone call from his co-worker who knew about me, saying he’d died, that he had a wife and three kids, and I shouldn’t contact them, they knew nothing about me. I was devastated, I thought we were close but I never knew he was married.

by devastated12/12/2012 5:38:31 PM

Yes, there are cheaters out there and some are good at it.... this sounds like a bad travelling salesman story, but true. Here's one where you should've assumed it was odd that you knew nothing real about his "other" life....or did he just lie about it?

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:40:07 PM

Ginger, FWB is just that and nothing more. You have an itch that he can scratch and vice versa. And when you're not sleeping together you might enjoy a little conversation. But then you grab you're things and go about your life until next time. It's nice to feel desirable and get enjoy getting laid on occasion if you like sex. There is nothing wrong for waiting for the "right" one - but why not have a little fun in the meantime??

by Deb12/12/2012 5:40:47 PM

The point is that not everyone sees sexual intimacy as an "itch" to be scratched. You do, so it works for you. Here's someone for whom it wouldn't work and it's good for her to know that ahead.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:41:47 PM

While I am an open minded person and consider myself to be a modern woman, I find that FWB doesn't work for me. Why would I want to expose myself to a situation where "I am good to have sex with" but not to date? While I do understand that there are particular situations where this may be the perfect set up, as a single woman I prefer to go without sex than be in something that asks me to shut down my feelings or not develop an emotional bond. Sex is intimacy and sex does have potential risks - why would I waste my time in getting anything less than I deserve or that I am willing to give someone. I think FBW for many is just a way to not give their all. Sometimes I think that we make things too complicated. Either you want to date someone or you don't. When you really like someone, FWB doesn't even come into your mind. So I think FWB is when you don't like someone enough but want to get sex. I don't like it.

by notforme12/12/2012 5:41:59 PM

I tried it twice and it didn't work for me. I was getting attached a bit, eventhough it didn't start off that way. As time went on, I didn't see things the same way in that relationship. It sort of made me realize that I deserved better. Maybe I would have stayed to if these guys were nicer and treated me like a girl wants to be treated. I've been single ever since. I rather concentrate on one person and no players please :-)

by latinagirl12/12/2012 5:43:35 PM

i just recently started seeing a guy. we both decided we enjoyed hanging out, talking, going out for food, but it always just seemed like it ended in sex and a movie. we talked and decided that it was not best to pursue dating but just to continue on as before. we're both chill young guys and open to many possibilities. i think it takes non-judgemental and secure people to pursue one so no on ever feels 'hurt' by the other when in fact it could all just be in their own heads.

by liking it12/12/2012 5:44:31 PM

So you've both more or less stated that you're looking for someone better, when it comes to dating, but you'll do for now, because it's fine for sex and a movie. If that's fine and understood and accepted by both of you, fine with me and I should hope fine with anyone else who matters to you. But it's the essence of why fwb is not for everyone, some people just can't accept being someone elses "holding pattern."

by Ellie edited by life12/12/2012 5:46:50 PM

Yes, in today's parlance.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:47:51 PM

Ellie, my understanding of FWB, perhaps seems to be clearly misguided, isn't friendship still a type of relationship? Which would run counter to the idea of no strings attached sex? Isn't that the point of FWB? Or am I mistaken?

by Fwbcurious12/12/2012 5:48:15 PM

Ah, here's the distinction...Yes, friendship is a relationship but not a romantic one. And fwb isn't completely no-strings because there's friendship involved, people in this situation seeing each other fairly regularly do have friendly behaviour, like each others company, and so the "strings" are those of respect and companionability, even if not dating. This is more "no questions asked" about who else you're seeing, no jealousy, than no-strings.

by Ellie edited by life12/12/2012 5:50:13 PM

I had a FWB in university. We lived next door to each other. Saw each other when the timing worked for both us. No feelings on either side. It continued for 2 years and it ended, amicably, when we both met other people (convenient that it was around the same time, I know). Now we're both married (to other people) and while we haven't had contact since shortly after university, we're genuinely happy for each other. FWB can work & it kept me out of the bars and potentially bringing home men I didn't know/trust to be safe.

by WorkedForMe12/12/2012 5:50:43 PM

Glad it worked. The problem could've been the friendship going on so long that ending contact would be difficult, because few new loves could've accepted that. and yes, you were lucky that you both found people around the same time.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:51:51 PM

I have a Fwb she is known as my wife!

by hband12/12/2012 5:52:27 PM

lovely!

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:52:43 PM

But by definition, it would mean she's never jealous, and gives you full freedom to have other relationships....so maybe it doesn't quite apply.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:53:19 PM

I started seeing someone I met online, we got into a sexual relationship pretty much the 2nd date. I let him know that I'm not looking into getting into a relationship at all, that I need my independence. But I get the feeling he wants more and is willing to wait until "I get it out of my system". Problem is I know he's not the guy for me and when I am ready to settle down, it may not be with him. We've talked about this for hours. It really is important to be open and make sure everyone is on the same page if this is what you want to do. Now, I'm just conflicted. I really like him, I'm still not ready for a real relationship . :(

by leslie12/12/2012 5:53:59 PM

This is not an fwb. It's you trying to have it both ways, be the one to decide when and if he's for you, keep him on the hook. IF you're truly conflicted, go away and think about it. If you want him, say so and stop thinking you can find better. There's ways to keep your independence of thought in a loving relationship with the right person....try it if he's the one, or set him free.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:55:55 PM

My boyfriend was a player when single, and cheated on his first wife. Then he calmed down because he had a serious job and children, but had one “friend” whom he saw regularly for sex. Now we’re together and he’s still in contact with her. He says they got so close he can’t just dump her but swears they don’t have sex, just stay in touch. Can I trust him?

by L.C.12/12/2012 5:56:43 PM

No. It's not wise to give him the okay on this because he WAS a player and you both know it, not as if you're just being suspicious. It's a way to prove to you that those days are over, by NOT hanging around with women he once had sex with.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:58:19 PM

Thanks Everyone - for yet another stimulating chat! Like you, I learn from the many varied experiences and attitudes you all share. Next week’s chat – Secrets & Lies. Read my column Mon-Sat, thestar.com and www.ellieadvice, follow @ellieadvice.

by Ellie12/12/2012 5:58:39 PM

Poll results: 93 per cent agree that friends with benefits can only work if both people know what they should and should not expect. 68 per cent say it’s just an excuse for having a sexual relationship you know won’t last. 54 per cent say it suits men better than women. While 63 per cent say it is cheaper, safer, more comfortable than playing the field.

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