“Karma is a you-know-what,” Munoz said in his apology. “Doctors overbook patients all the time, sometimes 5 or more a shot. Dr. Dao got a taste of his own medicine and now the poor baby is acting like he had an overdose.”

Regardless, United faces a P.R. crisis. Munoz is alleged to have initiated marathon discussions with his public relations team to plan how to better manage any necessary physical abuse of customers. The P.R. team is said to have quickly churned out new policies that United will immediately implement.

A press release detailed those policies as follows:

United Will Continue To Overbook Doctors – Doctors always overbook patients, jamming up their waiting rooms. “Passengers like Dr. David Dao should just shut up and take it when it’s their turn to feel what it’s like to suffer at the hand of overbooking,” Munoz said.

Customers Will Be Reminded To Prepare For Overbooking – United will update its website and marketing materials to remind customers that United’s needs come first. After all, the airplanes belong to us, not the blokes who ride them. Customers who are selected for “re-accommodation” are expected to comply in an orderly and cheerful manner or bras will be snapped and knickers wedged.

Customers Who Refuse To Comply With Re-Accommodation Will Receive An Initial Verbal Warning – United believes in providing customers every opportunity to peacefully re-accommodate to help United meet its needs. United employees are empowered to choose what level of verbal warning they need implement to help customers get the point. Verbal warnings may range from politely requesting customers to sacrifice their seats to more aggressively reminding them that their lives are equal to useless bags of infectious waste and they need to relinquish their seats to more important people.

United Reserves The Right To Cane Non-Compliant Customers – Caning is an acceptable form of discipline in a number of countries. It serves two purposes: First, it typically brings rebellious customers into compliance. Second, it helps other customers to think twice should they be fortunate enough to be offered re-accommodation at some point. All United employees who interact with customers will receive United Caning Training ™ and will be provided whipping canes to use at their discretion.

Totally Belligerent And Non-Compliant Customers Will Be Banned From Future Flights – At United, we believe people simply do not change. Customers who become belligerent and totally refuse to work with our re-accommodation specialists will be placed on United’s No-Fly List as well as referred to the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for further harassment and abuse.

“United is the nation’s top airline for a reason,” said Munoz. “Customers who think they know how to operate an airline better than we do can just walk to their next destination. We don’t need, nor do we want their business, with the exception of the checked bag and inflated beverage fees we charge.”

During a Nevada rally, presidential candidate Marco Rubio vowed to make traveling through airports a more enjoyable experience.

“I have heard one airport story after another about how the TSA has substantially added to the misery many Americans experience during their travels,” Rubio told supporters. “Time and again people have missed their flights due to overzealous TSA agents, have been patted down like a Clinton White House intern, or have had personal items confiscated such as love oils in bottles exceeding three ounces.”

“My opponent likes to blame presidents Clinton and Bush for 9/11, but he refuses to address how the American people suffer at the hands of the failed TSA program that was implemented as a result of the terrorist attacks,” he continued. “When I am elected president, my first Executive Order will require TSA agents to ditch their ugly disco-era blue shirts and to politely explain to travelers what their mysterious highlighter markings on boarding passes indicate.”

Rubio also promised that he will work with Congress to pass a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Do” law which would require the TSA to remove their belts and shoes before requiring passengers to do the same.

“If TSA agents don’t want the possibility of their pants falling down or to contracting ringworm from filthy airport floors, then they had better not ask passengers to disrobe to any degree.”

Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said Rubio’s obsession with the TSA is simply a diversion from the fact that he plans to allow illegal immigration to proliferate.

Governor John Kasich said in a press statement that he was simply too grown up to comment on the issue, which is why he drives a Ford Windstar.