I pedalled my bike up the driveway and into the solution to my problem. It was the landlord of the house next door, showing some people around. Oh, I stopped short of actually riding into the poor man and unsuspecting would-be tenants. Instead I asked, trying to sound casual in front of strangers, “Is the basement apartment available again?” “No, the girls upstairs have given notice,” he replied. Bingo. I needed that two-bedroom apartment. For my husband.

It had been about a year since our marriage came apart, and it was time to make some decisions. We’d been getting by in an in-between state, my ex living in the basement suite of our house. But as I had just been tearfully confessing to a friend over a chai latte an hour before, we’d hit a point where we needed to move forward; we just didn’t know what that would look like. Where would he live? Would it be near enough for us both to see lots of our two boys? Would we need a second car? Could I hold on to the house? The unknown location of his future home had become the nucleus of uncertainty in our patched-together world.

But within minutes of that chance driveway encounter, it was sorted. The father of my children would live next door, across the mutual driveway. We hugged to celebrate our relief. This, we could live with. We could be this kind of divorced people.

That was nearly five years ago now, and while nobody starts a family thinking they’ll eventually need two roofs over their heads, what we have feels like the next best thing to happily married life.

Today, the midpoint between our two homes is the basketball hoop out back, where the boys, now 11 and seven, spend almost every spare minute. From both of our kitchen windows we can call out a “Good morning!” if they’ve been staying at the other house. The proximity makes it easy for our kids to alternate nights at each home—they don’t even really need to pack. If a backpack or Lego guy is forgotten, it takes just a text message to arrange prompt delivery to either front porch.

Most important, being neighbours gives the boys lots of access to both of us. School mornings are a group effort. Their dad often wanders in eating a bowl of cereal, and one of us usually makes enough smoothie for all of us (our blenders are compatible so his frozen fruit can easily be pulverized on either side of the drive).

From the backyard, it’s easy for the boys to catch both of our attention to celebrate a triumphant hook shot or a new skateboard move. Come evening, if the off-duty parent is home early enough, we’ll often text to see if it’s cool to drop by for a bedtime kiss. We share Christmas mornings and birthdays (gifts are presented “love from Mom and Dad” so there’s no temptation to out-do one another) and have even taken them on a trip to Disney World together (renting a condo with enough space for everyone).

The question I get most often about our situation is usually something along the lines of, “But isn’t that too close?” In other words, “Don’t you need more privacy than that for your own personal lives?” Well, neither of us is the type to make a show of a new relationship. We’re discreet people. Even when things were fairly fresh, we kept our private lives private, never using them to wound each other or make any kind of statement.

Before the boys’ dad remarried a year ago, all three of us—mom, dad and new stepmom—thought long and hard about whether our next-door-neighbours arrangement should remain the same. I concluded that any discomfort I felt about witnessing their early days of marriage was far outweighed by the continuity and convenience the situation provides for both the boys and for us. They felt the same.

It may sound unusual, but it’s actually really simple: We’re guided by one principle only—do what’s best for the kids. If it benefits our boys to have mom and dad at the parent-teacher interview, we both go. If they’d like to see the two of us on the sidelines at soccer, we make that happen (their stepmom is a big fan of both sports and the boys so she’s often there as well). If it’s Halloween, we make sure we’re both around to admire the boys in their costumes and participate in the trick-or-treating and handing out of candy. Ditto school plays, birthday parties and first days of school.

Sure, there is a mountain of hurt, disappointment and shifting self-perceptions to face when a marriage breaks down. Our culture reveres marriage (and to a lesser degree, long-term marriage-like relationships). While there are now more single people in our communities than ever before, in many ways, we still equate marriage with being a successful person. If you’re “settled down” in a marriage, we take that to mean you’ve got yourself sorted out personally. And once you’ve been married for some time, chances are good that your social circle is comprised mostly of other married or common-law couples. It can be tough to cope with the loss of social capital, real or imagined. Working through all of that is, well, work. But I think if we’re willing to rewrite our fairy tales, we’ll find (surprise) happy endings waiting for us.

As for our boys, they seem satisfied when we tell them that while it might be nicer for them if their mom and dad were still together, we’re about as close as a divorced family can get. And that’s not so bad.

This is #1000families post number 37. Do you have a family story of your own to contribute to the 1,000 Families Project? Or do you know a family that might want to do so? Learn more about how the series got started and how to get involved here. You can find all of the #1000families posts here.

About Brandie Weikle

Brandie is a long-time parenting editor, writer and spokesperson. Most recently editor-in-chief of Canadian Family magazine, Brandie has also been the parenting and relationships editor for the Toronto Star, founding editor of two Toronto Star websites, and an editor for Today's Parent. Brandie is a single mother of two in Toronto and a frequent television and radio guest on parenting topics. A former digital director at House & Home Media, she also consults on digital audience engagement. Contact her here. View all posts by Brandie Weikle

I think your story is great and that many people can benefit from it. Not every marriage is going to last and there is no reason why the dissolution has to become so nasty the kids wonder what happened to the adults.

As a product of my parents messy divorce some 30+ years ago, I applaud you and your ex. You will be rewarded and have very happy well adjusted children! I think I turned out reasonably okay. But my childhood would have been much nicer not being a pawn along with my sibling.

Hi Shawn, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’ve experienced the consequences of acrimonious divorce as a child as well; it’s so hard on everybody. I’m glad you’re living a happy life now. Brandie

This sounds like a wonderful solution in an amicable split. And it’s wonderful that it has continued to work long-term with an added new wife. I remember when I was first with my husband, his son was only 5 and he was still so sad about his parents splitting up a year before. He asked us why we couldn’t all just live in the same house, so he could see both of them whenever he wanted and not have to pack up his things on alternate weekends. Your kids are pretty much living his dream, which is amazing!

Brandie, this piece is so insightful. As a family legal assistant, I far too often see the rancorous side of divorce and custody. You and your family are role models. I wish more divorced couples were as mature as you and your ex-husband.

Thank you so much, Jennifer. (Sorry I am just getting to your comment now.) I’m sure it’s quite heartbreaking for you to witness what those families are going through at times. Thanks again for taking the time to comment.

I really respect how you have worked this out. As a child of divorce I believe both our expectation that all relationships will be forever and our attitude that separation is a failure are unhelpful and we need better models (like this one) to move forward. That being said, I wonder about whether the proximity (indeed, sharing the same roof) worked at the start. While any parent may want to do what’s best for their children, hurt and anger are inevitable. Looking back, do you wish you had more space at the beginning?

Somehow I just saw this comment, Rachel, because it was hidden among a flood of spam comments that came in. Sorry about that. Hmmm. I think the situation with D in the basement worked because it was all we could manage/fathom at the time. This was in part because our youngest was only 15 months. Would we have made a cleaner break and moved on more quickly had he been under a different roof? I guess that is possible, but I don’t regret the way we did it. We wanted to manage the adjustment for the kids in a very gradual way and this helped to do so.

I love that you and your ex husband live next door to one another, and you can see your children at all times! I also really like that the Christmas gifts are from both parents. I know someone who’s parents were completely outdoing one another and it was just a sight to see – the kids are now grown adults and are just… weird, and spoiled because of their past.

Hi Ryan, For the first year of our separation my boys’ father lived in the basement apartment of our house. When he was on duty I would just sort of make myself scarce going to the gym or out with friends (I also saw a lot of movies that year). But that wasn’t sustainable for us over the long term. We didn’t consider a reno of the property to be two equal units. It just wasn’t feasible with our house. But I have heard of three cases like that and I think it’s very interesting. I have also heard of people maintaining the family home where the kids always stay, and then trading off time at a shared apartment when off duty.

Wow, Brandie! I finally got around to catching up on this site and some newer stories and I loved reading this and knowing a little more of your own situation. I admire you and your ex so much for putting your kids first, not just in words but actions and really setting an example for how that can be peacefully achieved. And kudos as well to the people who come into your mutually arranged situation and keep your kids as the priority as well. That’s wonderful. So much stability for your kids and they will grow up learning that peace and selflessness and compromise are ways to work out challenges in life versus conflict and anger. I take my hat off to you all. So amazing. Your boys are very lucky. You are all lucky. Congratulations.

Bravo!!! So eloquent and precise, Brandie. I can’t wait to see that book come out. This story, and the 1,000 Families project is doing some great cultural work. Can’t praise it enough. Good on you and Derek, and Derek’s wife, to practice peace in your family. Your boys will always have what they’ve learned from a family that didn’t give up on being together.

This is not dissimilar to my arrangement: we are a few blocks apart and living in the same school district. Next door would be ideal, but this is working for us as well. Truth be told, I often wondered if currently active marriages could benefit from separate habitats, but for this divorced family, this is working well. I may be single, but I’ve never been a single parent.

I’m so glad to hear about your amicable situation, Trasie. And I have often wondered the same thing about separate habitats for spouses. I read an article recently about an interesting married couple who live apart. If I can remember where that was I will pass along the URL. Again, congratulations on your peaceful co-parenting arrangement!

Love this. How wonderful for your boys to have both loving parents so close at hand. My brother-in-law and his wife managed to also have a successful uncoupling and it goes to show what can be done when you focus on what’s most important.

[…] We both knew we had to find a more permanent solution, but as I detailed in a blog I wrote called Conscious Uncoupling Before It Was Cool , we really struggled to figure out what that would look like. Neither of us could really stomach […]

[…] We both knew we had to find a more permanent solution, but as I detailed in a blog I wrote called Conscious Uncoupling Before It Was Cool, we really struggled to figure out what that would look like. Neither of us could really stomach […]

[…] We both knew we had to find a more permanent solution, but as I detailed in a blog I wrote called Conscious Uncoupling Before It Was Cool, we really struggled to figure out what that would look like. Neither of us could really stomach […]

[…] Brandie was also inspired to start this project in part because of her own unique family story. She lives next door to her ex-husband and his new wife, across a mutual driveway. you can read about it in her post Conscious Uncoupling Before it Was Cool: My Reason for Starting the 1,000 Families Project. […]

About The Editor

The New Family, a blog site that examines and celebrates modern family life, is run by long-time parenting editor, writer and spokesperson, Brandie Weikle. She is also the host of The New Family Podcast. Former editor-in-chief of Canadian Family magazine, Brandie has also been the parenting and relationships editor for the Toronto Star, founding editor of two Toronto Star websites, and an editor for Today's Parent. Brandie is a single mother of two in Toronto and a frequent television and radio guest on parenting topics. She lives next door to the father of her children and leads a dynamic Facebook community called Positive Co-Parenting After Divorce. You can contact Brandie here. You can find our privacy policy here.