How I won the “mom guilt” battle

Several years ago I made a decision that changed the way I think about my daily choices.

I banned one word from my vocabulary: SHOULD.

It’s a simple word. Most people use it frequently: I should call so-and-so. I should do laundry. I should exercise more.

So why did I get rid of it? For me, “should” is a dangerous word. Should carries a negative connotation that makes me immediately feel guilty for not innately wanting to do something I “should” do, or for not feeling a way that I “should” feel.

For years, I found myself regularly arguing with myself over everyday decisions. When I was still single, I would tell myself that I “should” go be social at some party or other even though I really just wanted to watch a chick-flick at home. Feeling guilty, I’d go, but then I’d be cranky and just want to leave while I was there. Then, I’d tell myself that I “should” not be cranky because parties are supposed to be fun, and I’d feel bad all over again for not being a happier person. I would get myself stuck in a downward spiral of self-criticism as I struggled to meet the demands I’d given myself for the person I “should” be.

I would tell myself that I “shouldn’t” be worried about something, or that I “should” go help out a friend. “Should” made it a chore, and so even when I was doing good things that could have been fun, if I acted only because I thought I “should”, I robbed myself of the accomplishment and focused on my negative emotions instead. No fun.

When I finally realized this, and made the choice to change it, I was shocked at how much altering my word choice altered how I thought about myself and my choices.

I realized that there is no “should” or “should not”.

There are things we need to do.

There are feelings that will not make me happy if I dwell on them.

But, there is no feeling I “should” not have.

Once I learned to acknowledge and accept my feelings as they came, I found I was able to cope with them better. Rather than tell myself, “This is dumb; I shouldn’t be stressed over this,” I rephrased the thought: “Okay, I’m stressed. Why? What is in my control in this situation? What do I have to let go because it’s outside my control?” All of the sudden (okay, maybe not suddenly, but definitely over time), I felt much less guilt for feelings like stress, anxiety, fear, doubt, and frustration. Instead of beating myself up, I have learned (at least more often) to step back, look at the situation, and act according to what really matters most…without feeling guilty.

I still catch myself using “should” sometimes. When I do, I make myself go back and delete the “should” in my brain and replace it with a classic “If…then” statement. If I do _____________, then I will be happier because _____________.

Example:

Yesterday I thought, “I should clean the kitchen, but I’m tired and I really want 20 minutes to myself after several hours of wrangling my adorable-but-extremely-exhausting boys.” If I say “should”, I feel guilty for not being a good homemaker and I start feeling like a lazy blob of a person, despite all the other productive things I may have done that day. So I rephrased the idea in my mind. I told myself that the kitchen really needed to be cleaned, and if I dedicated a half hour to doing as much as I could, then I would reward myself with the remainder of nap time to read a book or whatever I wanted to do. I knew I’d be happier relaxing when I knew I’d gotten something productive done. When I think this way, I still accomplish what needs to be done, and I avoid the guilt. I feel empowered by choosing to act instead of feeling enslaved by the many “shoulds” in my life.

Sometimes, I even realize that I won’t be happier because of doing the thing, and so I don’t do it. Awesome! Now I don’t have to do the thing I don’t want to do, and I realize that there’s no reason to feel guilty for it.

There are a million things I can tell myself I “should” be doing or doing better in life:

I should be a more patient mother.

I should be able to handle more on my own.

I should not ever be stressed when my husband comes home.

I should find more time to serve others.

I should learn how to do my hair in something more than a ponytail.

Oh, how I could keep going. But I won’t. Because all the shoulds in the world don’t do me any good. So I’m trashing them. Instead, I’m going to love who I am, where I am, and work from where I am to become better. Not because I should, but because I want to. It makes me happy.

Maybe I’m the only one who has gone through “should”-induced guilt. But I doubt it. We as humans (and especially women) are often too hard on ourselves. So give yourself a break. Trash the word “should” from your vocabulary. Don’t do it because you feel like you “should”. But if you do, I bet you’ll be happier.