Help LordsTrust to re-house a peer

Safely tucked up in their riverside home, Britain's lords would appear to have an ideal existence. But their cosy habitat is now under threat, which is why we're asking you to help 'Re-house a Lord'.

Cantankerous in nature and robustly flatulent, a knackered old Lord doesn't make the most grateful of pets. But after generations of loyal service in a dark, pompous room, don't they deserve to see out their days somewhere televised, with plenty of ermine?

LordsTrust will never put a healthy Lord down, no matter how moth-eared or ruinously expensive. Unsafe around children, particularly the bishops, they thrive in quiet, unchallenging establishments.

The noble beasts are despised by some members of the public, their dusty plumage causing irritation, and vomiting. But titles and peerages can be very misleading: a lot of them are as common as Prescott.

For just an undisclosed sum a month, LordsTrust will take the buggers away and lock them on a remote Scottish estate. With a highly selective inbreeding programme, we hope to preserve them for future generations to begrudge.

If you want to sponsor a Lord, you don't need to do anything now: we'll continue to sponge off you at source. But you can opt out at any time using torches and pitchforks, or by electing someone you really want, such as Cameron or a Miliband.

I have heard that some Liberal Democrats have been seen stuffing unwanted peers in sacks and throwing them in the Thames. Peers aren't just for Christmas they are for life, and the life of their children, and the life of their children, and th...