ALMOST EXACTLY a month after she presided over Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial, Queen of All Media Kris Aquino is back. She was asked to lead the impeachment court on Day 40 when the Chief Justice was presented by the Defense panel as its final witness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, all rise for Senate President and presiding officer Kris Aquino.

What’s the pleasure of the lead prosecutor? My gad. Niel Tupas, it’s you again! You and your hideous Cachupoy hairstyle! Aha-ha-ha

Madam President, we’d like to ask permission from this honorable court to allow one of our private lawyers, Mario Bautista to receive the testimony of the Chief Justice and to conduct the cross examination.

Madam President, wala akong kasalanan, wala akong katiwalian. Ako ay hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya ngayong hapon, I hereby waive my right of confidentiality and authorize all banking institutions to disclose to the public any and all information pertaining to all peso and dollar accounts.

Ayyyy! Winnnner! Bongga ka! But knowing you, feeling ko may catch…

I am humbly asking all 188 complainants from the House of Representatives and Sen. Franklin Drilon to join me in a moment of truth as a gesture of transparency and reconciliation with the Filipino people and to one another. I am asking them to sign these blank forms and join me sapagkat hiling po ito ng bayan. Let us face the people together.

If any of you should choose to decline, I regret that there’s no point in my waiver. I am no thief, I am no criminal. I have done no wrong. But I am also no fool. Isusumite ko po ang aking waiver kapag kumpleto na ang 189 waivers. Kung hindi sila papayag sa hamong ito, bibigyan ko ng direktiba ang mga abogado ko na irest na ang depensa.

IN A SPEECH during the Philippine Press Institute’s National Press Forum last Monday, April 23, 2012, President Aquino slammed the media for inaccurate and negative reporting. The Professional Heckler obtained the original draft of that fiery speech.

***Purportedly, the first draft of the speech.
———————————————“Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.”
~P.J. O’Rourke

OVER THE LAST THREE WEEKS, we have been bombarded with news about the Arroyos, the De Limas, the Aquinos, the Topacios and the Revillas/Bautistas. On Sunday, ABS-CBN gave us a breather of sorts. Everyone is now talking about the interrupted romance between Star Magic talents KC Concepcion and Piolo Pascual.

However, the network didn’t allow the public to see the full interview. The show had to edit out statements to protect some personalities. An anonymous source sent us the deleted portions of the tell-all conversation. Indulge!

According to Presidential Communications Operations Office Secretary, Herminio “Sonny” Coloma, President Aquino’s official website also features quotations and slogans the President himself popularized such as, “Kayo ang boss ko;” “Iba na tayo ngayon, bagong Pilipinas;” and “Piliin natin ang daang matuwid.” But after getting information that the site had been visited by netizens from at least 94 countries, Coloma mulls adding another, “Nagsisilbi sa inyo saan man sa mundo.”

Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino was the first person to visit http://www.president.gov.ph. However, something unusual happened when Noynoy accessed the website. A popup window appeared and said, “Game Over.”

Secretary Herminio Coloma says the government’s communications strategy has four phases. The first phase includes the President’s website. If the strategy fails after the first phase, the second phase, the third phase, they shall proceed to the fourth: saving face.

This just in! Kris Aquino, who has visited http://www.president.gov.ph this morning has barred James Yap from accessing the interactive site of her brother. A defiant Yap is reportedly asking the court to grant him visitation rights.
—————————-“Negative feedback is better that none. I would rather have a man hate me than overlook me. As long as he hates me I make a difference.”
~Hugh Prather

The Ex-President
Former president Joseph Estrada was rushed to the hospital Sunday afternoon because of profuse nose bleeding. The nosebleed happened when he tried watching “Inception” on video.

The TV HostBreaking News! Kris Aquino’s new game show ‘Pilipinas Win na Win’ is being clobbered in the nationwide ratings game by its rival, ‘Eat Bulaga.’ To reclaim viewership, Kris is suggesting a special segment similar to the classic “Pera o Bayong” and “Kuwarta o Kahon.” It will be called “Shares of Stock o Land Distribution.”

The Palace Spokesman
Last Friday, the Supreme Court stopped the Bureau of Internal Revenue from imposing a 12 percent value-added tax on toll rates. The Professional Heckler tried to get Malacañang’s side on the issue but spokesman Edwin Lacierda was reportedly busy… blaming the Arroyo government.

The DOST Chief
Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insisted that no one lobbied for the appointment of DOST Secretary Mario Montejo. Lacierda said Montejo was “more than qualified” for the position; an expert inventor in the field of water filtration technology, and a brother-in-law of the executive secretary.

The Weatherman
PAGASA officer-in-charge Dr. Graciano Yumul rejected the claim of his predecessors that PAGASA’s weather satellites and other apparatus were outdated. In making that statement, Yumul hoped to clarify wrong notions about the agency; underscore the forecasting capability of the weather bureau, and justify yet again the sacking of Dr. Prisco Nilo.

The Eye Specialist
President Noynoy Aquino has recently appointed his optometrist to the Professional Regulation Commission-Board of Optometry. Last year, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo drew flak for appointing her manicurist to the board of PAG-IBIG Fund. This tradition is widely-believed to have started when former president Fidel Ramos appointed his gardener… First Lady.

The Driver
According to reports, Kris Aquino’s driver violated the law by double parking outside the ABS-CBN compound in Quezon City last Friday. The unidentified driver who did not follow the traffic rule used to work for Vice President Jejomar Binay.
—————————–“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
~Confucius

Briefly Noted
Did you catch 24 Oras’ exclusive interview with Willie Revillame last Friday, August 13? What’s happening Ms Jessica Soho? Has Revillame become that nationally significant for you to waste almost 10 minutes of airtime? Wow. Shall we brace ourselves for more shocking announcements soon? Holy Papi Batman!

1784: Governor Jose Basco issues a decree that prohibits the seizure of farmers’ lands, carabaos, and farm implements by creditors while planting or harvesting their crops. Basco also reveals plans to distribute parcels of lands to more farmers in five years. However, one of Basco’s cousins categorically denies that such plan exists in a New York Times interview.

1942: General Douglas MacArthur makes his famous speech regarding the fall of the Philippines, in which he says: “I shall return.” Three years later, he fulfilled his promise… to the delight of Filipinos except for Jose P. Laurel.

1969: In Gibraltar, John Lennon marries Yoko Ono… officially making her the fifth Beatle.

1990: Imelda Marcos goes on trial for bribery, embezzlement, and racketeering. Her subsequent acquittal would then “inspire” presidents, vice presidents, senators, congressmen, and other people in government.

Thanks to the National Historical Institute, Wikipedia, Just Some Photos, and Any Day in History.

1834: US President Andrew Jackson orders first use of troops to suppress a labor dispute… a technique that would be employed 170 years later by the management of Hacienda Luisita in Central Luzon, Philippines.

1883: Writing from Spain, 21-year-old Jose Rizal updates his parents about his life and plans in Madrid. He expresses his intent to travel, learn European languages, meet new friends, and lose his virginity.

1936: The first inductees into the US Baseball Hall of Fame are announced… half of which would have not made the list if anabolic steroids were discovered much earlier.

1954: Oprah Winfrey is born. Overjoyed by her birth, Oprah’s parents gave each person present at the delivery rooma key to a new car.

1987: Philippine President Corazon Aquino successfully suppressed the uprising of rebel soldiers that occupied Channel 7. Throughout her term in office, she survived six rebellions. The only rebellion she failed to suppress was her youngest daughter’s.

Character actor Rez Cortez, one of the initiators of the ERAP 2010 for President Movement vows to gather one million signatures by April 19 to persuade the former president to run for president in 2010. Apparently, Cortez is not aware that Erap’s campaign started the day he was pardoned.

Signature Campaign for Erap II

Character actor Rez Cortez launched a signature campaign to persuade former president Joseph Estrada to run for president in 2010. Erap is exercising extra caution though because the last time Cortez led a similar campaign, his presidential candidate ended up dead.

Six archbishops and 23 bishops want 1.3 million hectares of haciendas distributed to farmers. When Hacienda Luisita owner and former president Corazon Cojuangco Aquino heard the news, the more she wished she’d live longer.

Swine Program Scam?

The Commission on Audit reported that billions of pesos allotted for the government’s swine program were missing. Babuyan na ‘to!

Comebacking actor Gabby Concepcion is under fire for signing a movie contract with GMA Films several weeks back and accepting the 1.5 million-peso downpayment. When he returned home though, he opted to become an exclusive ABS-CBN tv and movie talent. GMA Films is asking Concepcion to at least honor his movie commitment – a plea that would likely fall on deaf ears. How do you expect him to honor a film project when he has failed to honor his commitment to at least three women he married?