TMS: The Movie Sleuth recently had
a chance to sit down with former President Thomas Whitmore. Whitmore was the
leader of the U.S. during the alien invasion of 1996. Fortunately, Russell
Case, a jet fighter pilot (who shall remain nameless), and some other guy saved
the planet from certain doom. Mr. Whitmore, what can you tell us about your
personal battle against aliens?

TW: I’m not sure how much of that
information is still classified but let’s just say, never underestimate the
power of the Schwartz.

TMS: People love your motivational
speeches. Would you be willing to do it all over again and who wrote that epic
pre-battle monologue?

TW: That day, there wasn’t any
writing involved. I just winged it, but let’s get one thing straight. If I were
to do it again, I wouldn’t just do it for the money. I’d do it for a shit load
of money.

TMS: Your wife was killed during
the alien invasion. You were recently remarried. How are things with your new
wife and would you say anything is different between the dead one and the alive
one? I bet she’s younger and hotter.

TW: Of course she is. You think I
would land in the same bear trap twice? However that is a mistake, I am happy
to say, that I don’t have to live with. When I met my new wife, I was like “Did
I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?”

TMS: If you could change anything,
would you? And how would modern technology change the way that battle was won?
Would the latest upgrades in computer virus software render that plan utterly
useless? Also, what’s your favorite retail anti-virus software?

TW: To tell you the truth, I’m
amazed that shit worked in the first place. The guy who came up with it worked
for a cable company back when they were just providing HBO and not buying out
movie studios. Now every cable guy thinks he’s a Druish princess. That’s just
what we need. As for anti-virus software, bitch please, I use Mac. Who needs
it?

TMS: Tell us a little bit about
Russell Case. Was he really as dumb as he looked?

TW: You tell me. I only knew him a
day before he went kamikaze and saved the world. One of his home movies got
released on YouTube, though. I don’t wanna say too much but Rupert Murdoch made
an uncredited cameo. If word about that gets around that this was the guy who
saved the world, there’s gonna be a lot of frightened people out there.

TMS: Who does your hair? Throughout
the entire alien invasion, the explosion of the White House, and various other
battle sequences, your hair looked awesome. Is it hard to be so cool?

TW: There’s a reason why girls in
the '80s used Aqua Net hairspray to make their up-dos touch the damn ceiling.
That stuff can deflect bullets. As President, it’s not a fashion statement;
it’s a gunfire deterrent. And it does not vanish without a fight. Nowadays I’m
much more relaxed in my style. You get tired of wearing suits. Lately I’ve gone
to plaid.

TMS: If the aliens ever invade
again, what would be different? Would we be prepared to fight back? And how
should people prepare? You know, sometimes sequels can happen…even in real
life.

TW: Well I can assure you that
computer virus crap won’t work again. You guys can prepare by using your
smartphones for something other than cat videos. As war horses like me head
into the nursing homes, we’ll just be praying you’re as smart as we all hope
you are. Alien invasions aren’t a princess cruise, and those bastards are ugly
when they’re angry. Nuke the bastards.

TMS: Last but not least, if a movie
of your life were being made, who would play you and who would you choose to
direct?

TW: Anyone but Michael Bay. Once
you’ve seen the world explode, the fake stuff gets boring pretty quick, even if
it is intercut with a lot of gratuitous ass shots of hot women doing hot
things. Give me a Spielberg or that Roland Emmerich guy. They blow stuff up
good. And who should play me is a no brainer. Channing Tatum. You’ve seen Magic
Mike, well this is Magic Whitmore. All the ladies want these abs. Check please.

Like this? Please share.

-CG

-Blake O. Kleiner

This is a satirical piece that does not mean to infringe on any copyrights.