"Accepting that conflict is an integral part of life is crucial to adopting restorative practices. There will always be misunderstandings, competing needs and interests and differences of opinion. In a school the students will not always behave as [we] wish.... Restorative practices help us to revise our thinking so that we see conflict in a school setting as an opportunity to foster learning and build better relationships." ~ The Restorative Practices Handbook, Costello, Costello, and Wachtel, p.16

Restorative Response to Conflict

The opportunity to address an issue is an opportunity to engage restoratively. Restorative questions can lead us in a restorative direction right on the spot, if need be, or later in a meeting, or even as I used to do when I lead middle school detention. Working in this way seems to lead to more true cooperation (i.e. I don't mean compliance) than anything else I've tried.

Restorative QuestionsThere are a number of versions of restorative questions. I think these reach to the essence of the direction in which we want to head, and are good to begin with:“What happened?”“Who is affected and how?”“What are the needs and obligations"?"What will make it right?"

Some ConsiderationsAre these the only questions?No. The idea in exploring these questions is to elicit understanding among everyone affected, to address the responsibility of everyone affected, and to share power to develop an action plan which restores relationships and community. I'm sure there are a number of ways to facilitate such a result. I began with these questions, and like them for their openness, which I think creates space for a response that is more restorative. Note that in some Restorative Justice practices, different sets of Restorative questions are used with different people depending on how the view of the conflict is framed (in terms of "victim"/ "person harmed", and "offender"/"person causing harm" and others. I have not tried these question sets, preferring to ask everyone the same set of questions (including myself!), because of the way I'm viewing conflict, as described next. For an example and reference to these alternative question sets see IIRP description.

Who answers these questions?Everyone impacted answers these questions. This is because conflict occurs in a context, with everyone affected also having contributed to that context as well. We can think of this as every conflict having not just two individuals or groups involved, but three. There are those who contribute and are affected most directly, plus a third group of community members who contribute and are affected indirectly. It's important to facilitate the dialogue so that all people have an opportunity to answer the questions to the extent possible.

Do what you can. Sometimes (often?) there are people who are not present and it may even outside the reach of our resources to ask them. An example of this would be a rule or law that some people are trying to, or not wanting to, follow, and the people who enacted the rule or law, and those who delegated their power to those people to do so, are not available for the dialogue. This happened fairly often when we were in a school context. We found it useful to acknowledge this, and follow up with these people became a topic of part of what will make it right? on more than one occasion.

What do these questions mean? "What happened?"In my experience, this question is most usefully aimed at understanding the context of what is happening now. Indeed, if you're addressing something right in the moment, such as in a "hallway conference", it might be more useful to ask "What's happening?" In either case, we're looking for an observation - something that could be understood in a photo or an recording of the event. The question is not asking for a list of facts which make a case for who is to blame, which would be the (learned and habitual) voice of our retributive justice system. It's ok if people speak this way, you just need to translate. For example, If you hear, "She stole my lunch!", look at what you can see, and reflect this, "Your lunch is in her hand?", or even "You're thinking the bag in her hand is your lunch?" I'm not trying to be facetious here, but rather looking for something that accurately describes the person's experience with the least assumption, analysis or judgement possible. As everyone listens to each person answer in this way, everyone begins to see more of the context, and so we begin to address the conflict together.

"Who is affected and how?"Here we listen for the "who" is needed to address the conflict. We're also listening for how each person is affected. I think of affect as mental/emotional, physical and even spiritual. Hearing how each person is affected opens a doorway to understanding and empathy - being with each other in the conflict. Answering the question can support cultivation of empathy in each speaker as s/he considers how both s/he and others are affected. This, too supports our path together through the conflict.

"What are the needs?"This question is asking what we need as a human being (and beyond, too - we've had restorative conversations where the well being of a tree is involved, for example). In school, what I heard a lot was rest, sustenance (food!), play, celebration, mourning, ease, movement, honesty, acceptance, belonging, connection, presence, autonomy, choice, freedom, power, respect, consideration, to understand, to contribute, cooperation, support, safety, protection, order, to hear/be heard, to see/be seen, to matter. Sometimes not in those exact words, which is fine. [N.B. This can be learned. We made a poster on the wall on our classroom that listed needs words (in Spanish and English, since we were learning Spanish) and we would add to it when we discovered another need or word to express it that we liked.]

We get better at identifying needs over time and with practice. One powerful aspect of this is that even when a person was not present we would identify what we thought their needs might be. Even if it turns out differently than we imagined, the conflict offered an opportunity to consider what we might not otherwise have considered.

Note that sometimes people use the word "need" to refer to a strategy or idea about what they would like to do or see happen, for example, "I need you to leave me alone." It's ok to say that, just see a bit into the human reason (protection? safety? respect? autonomy? rest?) behind that idea first. Once this happens with everyone, there has been opportunity for more empathy, and looking at ideas about what to do next may be changed and/or will flow into the next, and last question.

"What will make it right?"This question is asking for ideas about what we can do to move forward, to set things "right". It's not referring to right and wrong. (The word "restore" means "to stand up again," as in setting something up"right" after it has fallen over...). If people have not explored enough about how we are affected and what our needs are, we may talk about this some more first. When we are ready to move forward, we will often just start to work together to figure it out. More than once, I've seen this happen spontaneously, and with very good creative ideas. If not, ask the question. Listen for concrete, doable, observable actions. "I'll be nicer," is less useful than "I'll use your name when I talk to you." Ways to use the questionsThese questions may be asked informally in a "small impromptu conference" (as when addressing something immediately - in the hallway or classroom, for example), more formally, in a restorative conference or a restorative circle, or even written out ahead of time for use in the classroom to give immediate attention to issues that arise without interrupting the class - writing and reflecting can be done as a "time out."

How to begin - an informal practiceTo begin, you can print out cards with these Restorative Questions on one side, and a beginning list of Some Human Needs on the other. Carry this with you and consider asking these questions and/or listening for answers the next time conflict arises. It's useful to gather up a few people and practice ahead of time. Think up some examples from your daily life (there's usually plenty) and role play.

When you do encounter a conflict, a very informal, yet highly effective practice is to simply listen for answers to these questions in what people are already saying, and as possible, reflect back what you are hearing. (For more on reflective listening and the practices that support it, see Preliminary Practices.) In this way you highlight and facilitate the restorative response that is already arising. You can also just start asking these questions, and reflect back what you are hearing.

The people who are most impacted and most upset are likely to be the ones speaking first. Note that if people have a sense that they're being heard about what matters to them, the issue will likely "blossom" (i.e. get louder) at first, but over time, you will move through it and it will start to settle. At that point you may track that some people impacted have not yet weighed in on these questions, you might ask them directly, and reflect back what you hear. This may bring another wave of intensity, but remember that this means the conflict is actually being addressed. Keep listening, and it will likely settle again once people have been heard.

Remember you are not trying to suppress the conflict, but rather trying to support the conflict to happen in a way that restores community. Of course, you must assess the situation for safety, so that harm is not done. Sometimes you will find that you all need more support, and the conflict needs to be addressed in a more formal process. It's ok and important to say so, and suspend the dialogue. Ideally, there are more formal restorative processes in place and/or being developed in your community that can then be initiated. How to continue - more formal processesSo far, my study and practice of formal processes has been in three forms of Circles.

One is a Peacemaking Circle as developed by Kay Pranis and others. For more on this, see the page on Peacemaking Circles. A Circle Template and Sample Agendas can be found on the Resources page.

I've also studied and practiced Restorative Circles (RC), as developed by Dominic Barter in Brazil, as a way to address conflict. A RC happens within the context of a Restorative System, which is set up and maintained by the community who will use it. The bare bones of a Restorative Circle are: Pre-Circle of all participants (including Faciltator Pre-Circle), Circle, Post Circle. A Restorative Circle of this type has a community member offering facilitation and uses a type of reflective listening in response to specific questions. For more on this, see the page on Restorative Circles.

I'll also note that in the Criminal Justice System, there are two other Restorative Processes in use - the Victim Offender Dialogue (or Conference) and Family Community Conferencing. I've studied these in the abstract but not (yet?) participated. To begin researching a bit more about these, see the Resources page.

There's way way way more to about this topic, but there's a flavor of it. For more information, see the Resources page. For a bit more on my thoughts about Conflict as Opportunity, look here.