That “DIAMONDS” and “PROVOCATIVE” are double the font size of “beautiful” and “leading lady” should tell you everything you need to know about the production (did they have collagen injections in the sixties? Oh well.). Are they serious with this? This looks like they let an Asian caricature from an eighties movie put it together. “Okay, round eye, dis what computa toad me bout Riz Tayra.”

Wait, this is a real movie? I just thought Lohan was really into cosplay. I was all like “whoa she’s really committing to her Roseanne Barr costume.” Of course I was masturbating with (to?) a jar of peanut butter at the time. But I said it with conviction.