The fact that most Americans don't believe in evolution totally explains why Val Kilmer will rule the world, everyone thinks Rahm Emanuel is hot, Bobby Jindal has a political career and everyone hates Tim Geithner.

In an effort to find a unified theory for the blinding stupidity that is sometimes American politics, I have searched far and wide and while I'm not yet ready to claim this is the reason rather than just another symptom, I feel it incumbent on me to bring your attention, dear readers, to the fact that 61 percent of Americans just aren't ready to buy into that whole evolution "theory" thing. And, with that, somehow the presence of Val Kilmer on the political stagefeels explained, so don't come crying to me when he's the governor of New Mexico, Ah-nuld is still in California and Bruce Willis is running against David Paterson in New York because of his time playing a New York City cop in Die Hard. Maybe he'll even get Justin Long to be his nerdy-but-sweet Lieutenant Governor and make moonie eyes at Rumer! (And, yes, I saw the last one, don't judge.) We all know how I feel about Justin Long, if not evolution.