Tag: Super Friends

I was worried I had lost these. Luckily, they turned up in a box a few months ago. Needless to say I was very relieved. They’re from 1976, they’re weird, and they’re fabulous:

Why do these exist? Why? To make me happy, that’s why. These are four ceramic planters, just a few inches tall, and each of the heroes is proclaiming “SUPER PLANTS” for no reason. I like to imagine the four of them brainstorming and trying to come up with something clever they’d all say and that’s the best they could come up with. Also Batman seems to have a talking armpit.

Notice that you have your three standard Super Friends/Justice League heroes: Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman, and then you have Gomer Pyle Captain Marvel, or/and/also known as Shazam! because of weird DC/Marvel comics shiz.

No Aquaman despite that fact that water, Aquaman’s realm, is one of the things plants need to survive.

Not that I would plant anything in them. The last thing I would want would be to plant some seeds, and then, OF COURSE, they would become super plants and the roots could potentially crack my beloved ceramic planters. No, no, that wouldn’t do.

I looked these up and found this interesting post (interesting if you are interested in 1970s plant-related superhero merchandising which, duh, everyone is).

I got mine about 9 years ago off of ebay, and if you search right now, you can actually buy the entire store display piece plus 3 of each of them for 70 bucks. Although if you do end up with something that powerful in your possession you must promise only to use it for good.

Opening: “An island, somewhere in the Pacific, where an evil plan is brewing that will threaten 2/3 of the Earth.” – Narrator

Sculpin’s the name, freezing the Earth’s oceans is his game!

He’s got a hydro freeze ray and he’s not afraid to use it! And that he does.

You would think since the oceans are frozen, Aquaman is out of luck but no, he and Superman are working this case.

Turns out his jet ski also works as a snowmobile.

Superman spots a stranded freighter in the area where it was reported the oceans first started to freeze.

“Just before everything froze, we picked up a fast movin’ object on radar,” says the jolly round captain.

Notice that Superman forgot to put on his boots this morning.

The captain explains that the ship that caused the oceans to freeze kept moving on the ice and headed south. “The only thing south of here is Jungle Island and Storm Island,” says Aquaman. Those sound like fun putt putt courses.

Meanwhile, at Jungle Island…

“Our next operation is to cut up the ice into giant blocks with the heat laser and sell them to the barren desert countries of the world. The first delivery will be to the Gobi Desert.” – Sculpin

Whaaa? Who wants big chunks of frozen salt water filled with dead whales and sharks?

Aquaman arrives and knows exactly who it is. He uses a heat ray to “melt a tunnel through the ice” to get to Sculpin’s ship. He’s confident he’ll get through undetected.

Then, while hanging off the side of the ship, he swings himself up onto the boat and breaks free, and he looks SO proud.

And I have to begrudgingly admit, in the world of Super Friends, that’s pretty impressive considering they can rarely free or save themselves from anything.

Aquaman then uses the classic move of trapping the henchmen in lifesavers.

Well, that was short-lived.

Aquaman then gets hit with a freeze ray and we’re back to where we started.

Superman sees nothing at Storm Island and heads on over to Jungle Island.

Here’s your big worthless sheet of ice, where do you want it?

Sculpin heads off to the Gobi Desert to deliver the first ice package.

I think he’d make more money marketing that helicopter than can drag around humongous sheets of ice with one little cable.

Superman follows them to the desert.

“Later, at the Gobi Desert”

“Thanks, Superman. That’s what I call a warm greeting.” – Aquaman, after Superman frees him with his heat vision. He must have spent that whole time in the ice block coming up with that one.

Ohhh, Sculpin is then MELTING the water to create lakes and such in the desert. I guess. Anyway, he tries to escape and Aquaman chases after him.

Aquaman uses his telepathic powers on a whale. There are multiple problems here.

Also, if you look at the previous picture of the sheet of ice, it doesn’t look nearly thick enough to hold a whale.

Anyway, the whale catches Sculpin in his little underwater getaway mobile and returns him to Superman and Aquaman.

“Later, with the oceans of the world defrosted and back to normal” – Narrator

“I hope he learns that only through honest efforts can problems be solved without creating new ones.” – Aquaman

Yet again, they have Aquaman underwater doing a magic trick, this time with NEWSPAPER. As the newspaper would be a pulpy blob and therefore unusable, out of protest, I shall not waste another moment on it.

Introduction: “High above Tibet, over the Himalayas, a Tibetan airline jet fights its way through the turbulent stormy skies.” – Narrator

Lightning strikes the plane, and what’s supposed to be a bunch of sparks actually looks like a pretty bad flesh wound.

The captain is either really concerned about the plane or has just been shown his mustache in a mirror.

They decide to prepare for an emergency landing. Which, they accomplish, with somehow simultaneously having everyone safe and breaking the plane in half. Impressive.

And now they’re grounded and stuck in a blizzard. Looks like a job for…

Superman and Flash

“If it’s time you’re concerned with, my super speed will get me there in a flash.” – Flash. Get it? Flash? Like his name and also like the descriptive word?

“We’ll leave immediately!” – Superman, inviting himself along. The narrator says he streaks into the sky, but he DOES have his costume on.

But, there are more, much bigger holes.

Three guys shiver around a cracked door. One says, “we’ll freeze if we don’t get that door covered up.”

After some negative Nellie “they’ll never reach us in time” talk, we pan out to see…these guys!

T-t-t-tibetan Raiders! Dontcha just hate looking out of your freezing cold split-in-half plane thinking someone has come to rescue you only to find out they’re Tibetan Raiders. And on a MONDAY – that’s the worst (I’m taking creative license and assuming it’s a Monday).

FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID DOOR!

“Hurry, we must barricade the door! The Raiders prey on hopeless travelers!”

THE COMPLETE ASS-END OF THE PLANE IS OPEN! It’s right there, as clear as the mustache on the pilot’s face.

The Raiders humor everyone and easily pull the door down.

Meanwhile…

Superman and Flash aimlessly wander around looking for the downed plane. A lookout for the Raiders (these guys are better organized than the superheroes) spots them and warns the others.

Some of the Raiders drag the tail end of the jet away as a decoy, while the others bury the plane under an avalanche of snow. That’s cold. Sorry.

This is where the plan falls apart.

The Raiders don’t really have a good approach when it comes to overpowering superheroes. They try to lasso both Superman and Flash, and it doesn’t work (I gave them a 60/40 chance of it working).

The Raiders give the location of the buried plane up pretty easily. I was disappointed.

Superman and Flash find the plane, and from high above, the Tibetan Raider leader tells no one in particular out loud that they will soon also be buried along with the plane.

Nice try, but you’ve only provided Superman with the makings of the most obnoxious snowball fight snowball ever.

And he’s totally the type to throw this monster then immediately tell everyone he can hear his mom calling him home for dinner.

Flash digs out the plane and they save the day. Then, Flash tells them that “if you ever need us, we’ll be back in a flash.” Ok, dude, this story is like six minutes long – that’s one too many puns, and the same pun, too.

Let me ask you this: let’s say you’re Wonder Woman, and you’re flying around in your invisible jet, as you like to do, and you see two young boys in a backyard messing around on the lawn.

Nothing to see here…or is there?

Do you:

A. Think, “how nice, some kids are getting some fresh air camping in the back yard.”

or

B. Think, “holy fucking shit, those kids are gonna eat some weeds from the yard!”

Well, I’ll have you know if you answered A – you are a shitty Wonder Woman and you have two weed-eating kids’ fates on your head. And if you answered B – good for you although how in the hell you knew from that distance they were gathering random plants to eat is a little confusing.

“Uh, that looks like trouble down there,” you’d say, inexplicably able to differentiate two kids digging in the yard for worms and two dummies collecting grass to eat.

And, you’d be right! Impressive.

“These are gonna make great salad greens for our camp out supper,” one says to the other, proving you to be an insightful and not in any way paranoid Wonder Woman who maybe just assumed because you didn’t want to actually do any work saving anybody that day.

“I wouldn’t eat those if I were you, some of the plants growing in yards are dangerous or even poisonous if you eat them,” you’d say, all smug.

“Maybe we should ask my mom for some salad stuff out of the refrigerator,” the child would respond. And for some reason you wouldn’t be suspicious of two young boys who seem to be obsessed with eating salads for dinner – surely they are pod people/alien imposters, but oh no, why do any extra work?

No, you get back in your jet, head back to the Justice League and clock out, feeling you’ve done your superheroing for the day.

“By crossing the cells of humans and animals, I have created a half human-half animal mutation. Soon I will create the perfect being with the strength and cunning of an animal and the intelligence of a man.”

Where did Dr. Xra get her degree? Humans ARE animals. Stupid Xra.

Also, she likes purple:

The Super Friends arrive at the mansion and and like the polite superheroes they are, they ring the doorbell. Dr. Xra must also be a polite and gracious hostess since she tells Panther Man and Wolf Man to “take care” of her guests.

“Holy silent butlers.” – Robin

Robin is more surprised that a door opened by itself than the half man/half beast creatures roaming around.

Batman, Superman, and Robin then get in a big fight with the welcoming committee. Superman tells Wolf Man, “hasn’t anyone told you it’s impolite to interrupt?”

Interrupt what? Them wandering around in the foyer not knowing where to go or what to do?

Superman gets Wolf Man tangled up in a chandelier and then Batman and Robin dispense of Panther man by squeezing “Fast Drying Bat Superglue” on him. Batman instructs Robin, “and be sure to squeeze out equal portions.” What a bossy control freak.

And then…

Superman finds Dr. Xra in her laboratory and she releases the zoo animals, demanding that they attack him. Then there’s an homage to The Graduate,

and then Superman says to himself that he has to cage the animals without hurting them. Which he does by lifting up the floor while each animal conveniently slides into it’s own cage.

Dr. Xra is now on the run in the swamps of Louisiana.

They easily capture her and then take the animals to the “Justice League Computer,” where it reverses the process and makes them normal again.

Then, they visit the zoo and Batman gets his face eaten off by the wolf because of stupidity and wide bars.