Ian's Still Alive! Recap of Pretty Little Liars: Season 2, Episode 1

Pretty Little Liars is finally back! And we’re finally getting concrete answers to all of our questions! Okay, so only one of those sentences is true. But at least our girls are all hanging out together… for the time being, that is. More on that momentarily. (Ominous pause!)

Season 2, Episode 1, entitled “It’s Alive,” picks up moments after we left off last season. What’s that — you can’t remember what happened last time? You’re not our friend anymore! (Just kidding. Sorta.) So the girls are trying to make sense of the fact that Ian’s seemingly dead body has apparently been nabbed from the bell tower by “A.” Just a normal day in the life of the average high schooler.

Officer Garrett — who is so not to be trusted — then drives the girls to some weird alley and pretends to be on their side (as Jenna hides nearby). He tells the girls not to tell the police about their extra copy of the videos — the ones that Ian presumably had taped while spying on everyone. (By the way, has anything good ever happened in an alley? We think not.)

When the girls get home, they’re confronted by their parents, who are sending them to a therapist for blaming everything on Ian. Toby stops by to comfort Spencer but is informed by her dad that he is forbidden to see Spencer. And telling kids in high school who they can’t date is always effective, right? Great parenting, guys.

Back at school, the other students are all minding their own business and respecting the girls’ privacy. No, sorry — this is high school we’re talking about, so of course everyone is gossiping about the Ian incident! Meanwhile, Ezra is still teaching at the high school, and things are rocky with him and Aria, since he withheld details about his fiancée, Jackie. Aria isn’t so sure she wants to take him back (even though we totally would — just look at the guy!).

Officer Garrett is fully intent on causing some serious trouble. First, we see him and his girlfriend Jenna spying on Jason Dilaurentis (Ali’s brother) and discussing the ominous-sounding “Jason thing.” Then, Garrett tries to pry information about Ian’s whereabouts from a grieving Melissa as he gives her back her phone from the church. Plus, the girls notice a newspaper headline, which claims that Ian’s car was spotted near the bus station with $10K and that the girls made up their story about him. Let’s just say that it’s not their week.

And for another notch in the “Spencer just can’t win” category, Melissa is furious at her and plans to take her soon-to-be-born baby and move far away from Spencer. But we’re like, “Does Melissa think that Spence will be all that sad to see her go?” Let’s just say that these two sisters aren’t quite as close as the Olsen twins are.

Aria agrees to meet Ezra at his place to talk, and we’re assuming she doesn’t regret her decision: When she gets there, the guy is shirtless. ‘Nuff said. He confesses that he was still getting over Jackie when he met Aria, which bothers Aria. Ez wants to spend the rest of the day with her, but Aria has plans to be with her family, now that her parents are officially reuniting.

But right as Aria leaves Ezra’s place, “A” sends Aria a pic of Ezra’s apartment, claiming to have snuck in and taken something. Later, the girls have an appointment with their therapist Anne, and they are about to spill the beans to Anne about their involvement in Jenna’s accident. But when they spot Ezra’s college degree in Anne’s office, they know that “A” must be watching. Seriously, “A” probably needs a tropical vacation after keeping busy with all this constant spying.

Spencer goes to meet Toby, but Jenna is there and tells her to get lost. So Toby instead helps Emily pack up her room, since Em’s family is planning that move to Texas. Toby tells Em that they’ll always be friends. Cue the string quartet. (C’mon — we weren’t the only ones tearing up, right? Don’t leave us hanging!)

Bromance alert! Lucas brings Caleb back into town to help him win back Hanna. (Seriously — Lucas and Caleb are the two cutest mismatched besties since Bert and Ernie.) Caleb explains that he gave Mona his love letter, but Hanna still can’t forgive him. However, that doesn’t mean Hanna can’t also read Mona the riot act to Mona (who’s now dating Noel — say what?). You go, Hanna! Give Mona hell.

Melissa has apparently taken a chill pill and apologizes to Spencer. Spencer is still convinced that Ian is dead, and Melissa is now inclined to believe her; Melissa doesn’t think Ian would skip town, since he was looking forward to raising their baby and naming it Taylor (which seems like a way-too-cute name for a hellspawn, but that’s just us).

Later, when Spencer is in the house alone, she hears someone sneaking in, but it’s just Toby dropping by to give her a hug. Swoon! But when he leaves, Spence notices Melissa has left her phone on the couch, and there is a text from an unlisted number, which says that the person can’t tell Melissa something because it isn’t safe yet. Gulp.

The girls aren’t supposed to be hanging out anymore, since therapist Anne (who herself is now being followed by a hooded figure) tells the girls’ parents that they need space. But Spencer summons the other girls anyway, and they decide to send a text back to learn the texter’s identity. When the person responds that Melissa’s baby will be named “Taylor,” the girls know that it’s Ian, and he must be still alive. How can it be?! Ian apparently refuses to die, even though everyone wants him to! (Then again, the same could be said for cargo shorts.)

So it’s an amazing (and crazy) premiere episode, with the final tag showing that “A” is pretending to buy Emily’s home but is really just there to delete the video from her computer. These girls can’t win! But it just means that we can’t wait for next week...