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Well Damn, it is about time. I have caught up on everybody's posts today. I wanted to thank you all for your concern, I just needed to step back for a minute and analyze things concerning Rico. I forget which one of you said it, but after going through a crying fit and staying in bed all day Sunday, I have come to the conclusion that I guess I was looking for something to be wrong and crush my chances at being happy. Not sure what the tears were about, maybe the planets were out of alignment or something.

I did get to see Rico yesterday for a moment and bring him a few groceries. Since he got his own place now he is struggling a bit but knowing how he came up here with practically nothing, I had no problem helping out. Someone asked if it was just sexual between he and I, well, not really but at the same time we are not in a relationship per se. I can't take it to that level just yet being that we are just getting to know each other and for the fact that I have not disclosed to him yet. I went into a relationship with my ex that way and don't want to do that again. But at the same time, we are both adults and have not been intimate for a few years so the sex just kinda happened.

I laughed my ass off about the birthday cake and candles, yep, Cindy, you should have just bought the 4 and 5 candles. I am glad that freecycle is working for you. My group moderators doesn't ask what you need the items for and think it strange that your group does. Maybe it is because they want to make sure people are not trying to sell what they are getting for free. Glad Iceman liked the cologne, seems you can never go wrong with that, who doesn't want to smell good... Oh, almost forgot, Cowboys are the shiznit, we are 8-1 and in the lead in our division I believe...I am loving it.

I am sorry, NY, You should try freecycle because you can really find some good things there. I thought you saw my post on that in the other thread. Ok, now I know I read someone is undetectable, congrats on that, it's a great feeling or at least it was to me when I found out recently that I am.

Betty, I was reading about your old computer. Glad you got a new one, wish I knew someone on Geek Squad but it also sounds like to me that all your old computer needed was to be upgraded, the operating system I mean. You were working with Windows 98, the one you have now prolly has Vista or Xp on it. But nothing beats FREE.... Glad you got your teeth fixed too. I would've given those people a tude back, shit, who has 3200 bucks to give away when you get something done for less. Geez, they were getting paid either way.

Glad to hear that the rest of you ladies are doing well. Once again, I am sorry I strayed away for a moment but I have a habit of pushing people away when I am going through it. Usually because of the people in my past that I have opened up to has used my vulnerability against me at times. I have to remember that you guys are not like that and it is ok to vent. Keep your heads up ladies!!!!!!

Well, the Queen is back! Glad to hear something from ya, Queenie. Yes, the computer I have now has Vista. So far I haven't experienced any problems. You know, before these posts, I had never heard of freecycle either. But I'm going to see if it's in my area as well. Can always use free stuff.... That was awfully nice of you to take Rico some groceries. It sounds like something I would do. When I was at Kroger's today, they had bagged food that customers can buy and they donate it to the local food pantry and food banks. So I bought a $5.00 bag. People can always use food around the holidays. I see so many homeless in the streets up here, it's really sad. I hope things work out between you and Rico. It sounds like you really want them to. About my teeth, it cost me $30 to get my tooth back in place. I certainly would not pay $3200 for a new set. That's just ridiculous.

Cin, I'm waiting to hear how your date went with the Iceman. Oh, and thanks for starting this thread!

I hope all you other ladies are doing alright. I really need to get back into the dating game. But I don't know where to meet single guys or gals. I do still talk to Liz. She's going to go to her family's place in Detroit for Christmas by train. She told me she couldn't find anyone to take her to the train station, so I told her I would do that. We'll just take things slow and see how it goes. I might go to a local club or something New Year's Eve. That is, if someone else in recovery goes with me. Not that I feel like drinking or using any drugs, but one never knows and it's always best, at least for me, to have someone else in recovery with me when going to those places.

I hope all you ladies have a wonderful night.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Queen glad to see your back. I understand what you mean about pushing people away, I tend to do the same thing. Sometimes we all need to crawl inward and get some "me time" to sort through things.

Cin~ Thanks for the new thread! The title does seem suitable.

Betty~ I think when the time is right, dating will come. Sometimes things just fall into place. Getting out sounds like a good idea. If all else fails, you have a good time out with friends and that makes it worth while.

As for me, well I'm still going through BS. My ex has decided to not pay child support this month so I'm officially COMPLETELY broke. I layed in bed and just cried for a bit this morning but I eventually forced myself to get up and get moving. I can't let myself fall into a depression. The way I see it is, I'm the only adult in my home, the only one who holds things together, if I crumble my entire household crumbles. I need to get through this some how. So I'm doing my best to stay productive and push through whatever sadness I'm feeling.

As for military man, same old shit. He just doesn't get it and I've decided that getting upset is pointless. I can't change who he is, or make him be who I want him or need him to be. I'm very pleasent to him when we do speak. I have no room for bitterness in my life, its a pointless emotion. I guess I will just accept what little help he does offer and do what I need to for myself. I plan on filing for child support once I can get my shit together and get out to the court house. Only about 2 and a half weeks to go until the new baby arrives YAY!!! I'm counting down the days!!

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a great evening, or morning i should say (its almost 1am). I'm off to bed for now.

What another beautiful day! They say it's supposed to be a little windy today, but the sun is so nice.

NY, have you checked out the local food pantries yet? Have you been in touch with your local ASO (AIDS Service Organization)? I think these places could really help you through your rough times. I know that usually ASO's can help with things like rent, utility bills etc. on an emergency basis, which is what your situation sounds like. Just do the best you can, and believe the rest of your needs will be met. But you do have to make the effort.

OK, waiting anxiously to hear how Cin's date with Iceman went. Cin, since you didn't check in last night, I'm thinking Iceman must have spent the night again. I'm so glad you two found each other.

Queen, now that you're back, please stay with us. You know we're here for you.

Today is my Child & Adolescent Psychology class (well actually tonight). In the next four weeks, we're going to have three papers due. I'm not really sure what the teacher wants, so I will be talking to her about that tonight. Other than that, I got my cat a Christmas stocking yesterday. I'm not sure if I already told you all that or not. And I got her a couple gourmet kitty treats to go in it. She was scared of the stocking at first. It's like I say, she has post traumatic stress disorder from being in the shelter around all those other cats. She's really a very good, loving cat and I don't know what I'd do without her. There was one day last week when I felt like shit and laid around almost all day. Every time I would lay down, she would immediately jump up on my bed and lay on top of me, like she was worried about me. I just love animals. I hope all you ladies have a nice day-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Thanks Betty!! Food pantries are easy to find and there are quite a few. Right now I'm serching for ASO's. I never thought to check into that. I mean my diagnosis is still new so I'm still learning about all these services.

BT~ I think you should start putting up your tree and decorating your house a little bit each night. That's how I do it, or else I would exhaust myself! I know you miss your mother, I am so sorry about that. I know this holiday season will be tough. I still tear up when I get the fake tree out and remember some of the decorations that my late husband and I bought together.

Queen~ Nice to see you posting. Don't think that you are undeserving or anything with Rico. Just have fun with everything -- unscripted, you know? Also, freedcycle doesn't ask you to explain, they just suggested it one time, and it worked for me!

I am going to my GFs house soon. She is the little sister of my ex best friend from high school. The ex best friend who wrote me off in 2002 when I disclosed to her -- she went and told her entire family, and little sis stuck up for me. She is a Scorpio, too! We haven't hung out since last November because she has two young kids, one a 2-1/2 yo she adopted from China. She also is the one who had to put her dog down last Friday, but she has two new puppies! So, I will go hang with her for a few hours. She lives in Jay's neighborhood, right around the corner from him. I almost feel like going and knocking on his door, to tell him I'm in a relationship exclusively with someone. I told Iceman about Jay, and how he hasn't asked me out, he's keeping his distance. I know Jay is concerned about my pos status, but we will remain friends.

Iceman called yesterday to say he would come by to help me get the table into my house. Its so nice having a DR table again! I offered to cook him dinner cause I had just gone to the store, but he wanted to take me out. We had some yummy subs at Quizno's and then went to the mall. We are going to Iceman's friends 50th bday party this weekend, so we bought some gag gifts. It was nice seeing all of the decorations , I started getting excited about Christmas, even though I have no money to buy many gifts, I am trying. I DO have credit, though! Yikes!

We were driving back to my place and it was so misty out, I invited Iceman to stay over. Here I thought he would come to move a table and head back out, but I got him for the entire evening! We were talking and talking like we always do, and then headed upstairs to my room to talk some more. Lots of deep things, and we both understand each other. I picked a good word to describe us last night..."effortless." It is really amazing. Then Iceman looks me in the eyes and says, "You know what? I am falling in love with you....." I couldn't believe it! I was so happy and felt so warm, hearing those words from him. Yes, its happening fast, but he and I have very strong personalities and we are very deep emotionally, so we are holding on to see where this ride will take us.

So, things have moved up another level already. I had such a nice, romantic evening, sent out my 37th year of life with a bang! We dozed off around 1am, I really couldn't sleep, and woke his ass up at 430am. "Bang!" ...if you get my drift, it was such a good night and a good way to start my birthday. I'm in love! Tonight is the big birthday date, I can't believe this man. He is incredible, and I am so very fortunate!

I hope you all are having an eventful day and even if you feel you aren't, just think, it could be worse. I try to think that way when things suck or I'm not just feeling motivated. My day didn't even get started til after 2 pm today because for the damndest reason I couldn't sleep last night. I didn't even go to sleep til around 6 am. While I was up, I just kinda went into Prince mode. I downloaded all of my fave songs from him and his proteges like Vanity 6 and The Time. I burned a cd, put into my dvd player turned up the tv and had my own concert...No plans at this moment. Rico called earlier and he may stop over after visiting with his son. Until then I will prolly just take a nap cause I still feel a bit tired. I think that is from the pill I took to help me sleep.

Happy Birthday Cindy, I know you will be having a nice day today. I am so happy for you and glad that you have found love at last.

Wishful, welcome to the forums. I see your post, you are not alone, I am dating someone too and have not yet disclosed to him. And like you I am afraid of being rejected too but that is not the reason for me not disclosing. I haven't done it yet because I am just getting to know him and am not ready to put myself out there yet but I do plan on telling him. So, I guess my advice to you would be to do it when you are ready. I am not sure if you are sexually involved with this person yet but if you are, I hope you are being safe and using a condom. No one here will judge you but will have some good advice to offer, I reckon.

Ny-- I hope you are able to find a ASO in your area, shouldn't be hard, might be able to just google it online or something. I know mine here has been very helpful with a lot of things. Happy Hunting and if you have any questions just ask.

Ok, I need to go, I am still feeling drowsy as hell and I got to get my beauty sleep before Rico shows up...

Well I found a local ASO today and I gave them a call. The receptionist told me that everyone there was in a meeting but that they have many services that can help me. She even told me that they have helped her many times and she now volunteers there. I left her with some basic info about myself and now Iím awaiting a call back. I really hope they can offer some help. Besides that I Ďm just trying to keep up with my life which seems to be moving faster then I am right now. I needed to get out today because sitting in the house gets depressing, so I spent the day with a friend just keeping her company while she ran errands. It was good to get out but now I have a messy house and school work to do L. It does seem that slowly but surly things are coming together, Iím just trying to hang in there.

Cin~ Iím so glad you enjoyed your Birthday!! I bet your looking forward to the holidays. Iím very happy for you!

Betty~ Thanks so much for the info you offered me. It really helped, I never thought to look into ASOís and it seems this one can really help me. Iím a bit relieved right now.

Well, Iím off to do housework and school work. Ugh! Have a great night ladies!!!

Hi GFs~ Just checking in, Iceman and I just returned from dinner. Thank you for the birthday wishes! He has spoiled me so much this evening and the night is still young! He gave me my gifts before dinner, a bunch of little goodies, so many sweet things. I started crying, I was so overwhelmed.

I'll post more details tomorrow. Oh, and btw, he put a "3" and an "8" on the cake, and I got flowers, chocolates, jewelry and more......

LOL....See Cindy, Iceman learned about those candles from his birthday...Awww, girl, I got to put on my cause you are glowing so much. I am still awaiting Rico to show up. For some reason I am feeling sore as hell all across my shoulders, I'm not stressed or tense about anything so I am wondering what this is all about. If Rico don't show up soon, I may just call off the date for tonight but then again all I may need is a massage, who knows??? But this soreness just started today. Ok, due to my last post and a Pm from Cammie, I thought I would clear it up unless someone else gets it confused...I am NOT pregnant, hell I better not be, I think I am more the poster child for birth control considering that I am on the depo shot, my tubes are cut, burnt, and tied besides that I am also using condoms. So if Your Majesty gets knocked up, I am sure going to be raising some hell!!!!! I was claiming NY's baby since she is due in 2 weeks. I thinks someone mentioned awhile back about her baby being the first women's forum baby born so I kinda just ran with it I guess....

I knew what you meant, Queen, when you were talking about the baby. I am excited about it as well. I wish we all lived closer so we could have a baby shower!

NY, I am so glad you found an ASO close to you. They will surely help you out. Glad you found some local food banks also. I use them when I need them. And the ASO here, although small, can be quite helpful, like if I ever need food or something. How's the pregnancy coming by the way? How many more weeks did you say you have? I am excited!

Cin, wow, what a fabulous report! I am so glad that you found someone like Iceman. You deserve someone who treats you special. I'm confident that the job thing will work out also. Like I said, you put out good karma; it will come back to you. I think you're already starting to experience that.

Queen, I hope you're feeling better. My new computer burns CDs also, but I don't know how to do that. The girl that set it up told me she would show me sometime. I will surely be burning some Prince songs! Like "Erotic City" etc. Sometimes if you're on the computer for awhile, that can cause the area between your shoulders to ache. Anyway, I'm wondering if Rico made it or not. Please keep us informed!

Cammie, it's good to see you posting to wish Cin a happy b.d., but I wish you would post more.

And for Cristy, Em, and Drag, miss you guys! And all you other ladies I left out, have a good evening.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hello ladies. Happy birthday ML. My brother went home today and We are all(except Robert and he is too young to understand) very relieved. I can relax a little more now instead of having to always be on guard. Home is the one place you should feel safe but I did not while he was here. But Yeah!!!!!!!!!, he's gone. Work is going okay. I had to miss my lunch shift today cause Robert was sick and I had to pick him up from school and take him to the doctor. He has the Croup so has been coughing as lot but it should get better now. I am not going to date my negative friend at work but I think he realizes that. I just can't, too scared. Not much luck on poz either even with the new picture. I guess me living with my parents and having a child is a turnoff to most of them. I consider both of these things a plus since I am not wearing myself down to provide a decent place for us and I actually get to spend time with my son instead of working the 16 hour days that it would take to support us alone. Ladies, I wish the best for all of you. NY, looking forward to you having that baby, may we please see a picture when she is born. I love new babies, my cousin has a 6 month old and she lets me hold her. Hope you get some help from the agency. Betty, hope your class went well. Thanks for asking about me. Queen, hope you and Rico work out. Dragonette, very nice of you to start that birthday thread for ML, hope you are well. Any ladies I've missed EM, Love ya. Anyone else, hope ya'll are well. Later, Cristy Gotta love that edit function.

I feel like I have so much too say....first off....I was given a compliment a few times and you folks have no idea how you mad me feel. I was really at a low and it was perfect timing.

Next, it's hard for me to post lastly due to my time schedule and being in bed, but you guys are in my hearts, I'm not kidding. You enter my thoughts alot.....drag......cind....bt......cjc....queenie......tend and all the other girls

I hate the fact that I can't talk respond to everyone this week being sick...and me being sick is so beneign compared to the people who are really sick. I just can't get of bed. I know there are many who will never get out of bed so I do want to seem like a whiner. I am a whiner wha ....I'm a jerk.

Other days I would welcome soup and a hug....I welcome a good blood result whew...heee chewwwww

I feel like I have so much too say....first off....I was given a compliment a few times and you folks have no idea how you mad me feel. I was really at a low and it was perfect timing.

Next, it's hard for me to post lastly due to my time schedule and being in bed, but you guys are in my hearts, I'm not kidding. You enter my thoughts alot.....drag......cind....bt......cjc....queenie......tend and all the other girls

I hate the fact that I can't talk respond to everyone this week being sick...and me being sick is so beneign compared to the people who are really sick. I just can't get of bed. I know there are many who will never get out of bed so I do want to seem like a whiner. I am a whiner wha ....I'm a jerk.

Other days I would welcome soup and a hug....I welcome a good blood result whew...heee chewwwww

God bless

Cammie

Cammie, you are not a whiner or a jerk. You are our beloved sister and I hope you feel better soon. Cristy *(Edited for clarity)

I feel like I have so much too say....first off....I was given a compliment a few times and you folks have no idea how you made me feel. I was really at a low and it was perfect timing.

Next, it's hard for me to post lastly due to my time schedule and being in bed, but you guys are in my hearts, I'm not kidding. You enter my thoughts alot.....drag......cind....bt......cjc....queenie......tend and all the other girls

I hate the fact that I can't talk respond to everyone this week being sick...and me being sick is so beneign compared to the people who are really sick. I just can't get of bed. I know there are many who will never get out of bed so I do want to seem like a whiner. I am a whiner wha ....I'm a jerk.

Other days I would welcome soup and a hug....I welcome a good blood result whew...heee chewwwww

The title says it all.....great in its simplicity.When you feel like creeping into your shell someone seems to pull you out by a simple verbal gesture.....you look great, wow love that shirt, those pants make your ass perfect for my palm....ha ha....we care about you. Let your husband, boyfriend, sons, daughters, wifes, friends, that they look great. The simple gesture on this forum changed my mood...that's powerful. But don't be afraid to let someone are so important in your life....give them a hug....pets are included.................big hugs..............big hugs.

The title says it all.....great in its simplicity.When you feel like creeping into your shell someone seems to pull you out by a simple verbal gesture.....you look great, wow love that shirt, those pants make your ass perfect for my palm....ha ha....we care about you. Let your husband, boyfriend, sons, daughters, wifes, girlfriends, friends, that they look great. The simple gesture on this forum changed my mood...that's powerful. But don't be afraid to let someone know they are so important in your life....give them a hug....pets are included.................big hugs..............big hugs.

Cammie~~ we understand that sometimes its hard to post. We all have busy lives and your entitled to be sick, stay in bed or whatever you need to do. I think we all just want to make sure your doing ok. Iím sorry youíve been feeling sick!! I hope you get better soon!!

Cj~~ I will def let you girls see my lil man when heís born!! You guys donít even know how much your support has helped in the short time I have been posting. When I was first diagnosed a few months ago, I felt so alone, as a woman, a mother excÖ Too see that there are other STRONG women living with this virus and not just existing but LIVING gives me so much to look forward to. Iím so happy to be able to share this event in my life with you guys!!

Betty~ I have about 2 and a half weeks left. Seems like your having a good time with the new computer, Iím glad, you def are deserving!!

Queen~~ Feel free to claim my kids anytime!!! Shit, I have enough to go around and just like youíre the poster child for birth control, Iím the poster child for fertility!!

As for me tonight was ok. I spoke to military man on the phone and we got through some issues. I think we have a better understanding of each other. He broke down and admitted to me that heís having some trouble adjusting since coming home from the war. Told me heís been depressed and he is going to the veterans hosp in the area for some help. He told me that he knows that I need him and he promised me he would do certain things to help me, he assured me that he will keep his word, but I need to understand that he has been overwhelmed with getting his shit together since he came home. He also has a back injury that he is in the process of having treated (also a result of the war). He also told me that heís not sure how to handle my hormonal emotions. He knows Iím pregnant and a bit emotional so he ignores me when he thinks Iím being crazy since he doesnít know what else to do because he doesnít want to scream at me or fight with me.

My best friend told me earlier today that he called her and asked her to go to babies R us with him to help him pick stuff up for the baby. So I know heís not Bsing me. Iím not saying him and I are all lovey dovey but I think we have a better understanding of each other now and it feels good to have cleared up a lot of things. Theres so much more to our conversation but Iíd be here forever if I went on. So all I can say is he is trying and thatís a good sign.

Cristy, I am so glad your brother went home. I'm sure you are breathing a big sigh of relief. I do hope Robert feels better soon. Croup, eh? Wow. That must be awful. Poor little fella.

Cammie, I am so sorry you're sick. You are not a jerk or a whiner! Please don't say things like that. You know, I remember when I first found out I was poz and got out of the treatment center, I was talking to a lady who had breast cancer and was undergoing chemo. I told her that I felt like a whiner and this is what she told me: say you lost your finger. You saw me and I had no hand. That doesn't make losing your finger any less painful. So please, Cammie, don't think that we don't want to hear about your being sick. You are one of us now. We're always here for you, you know that.

NY, I'm glad you got to talk to MM. I've heard that our war veterans have an extremely hard time adjusting to life again after being in the war. I can't imagine what they go through. Just please look after yourself. I would hate to see you set yourself up for another disappointment. Only two and a half weeks to go, eh? Yipeeeee! I can't wait to see some pictures! I just love babies. They are so sweet and innocent! I hope you have an uneventful labor and delivery. How has your labor gone with your other kids? I remember when I had my daughter, I was in labor for 38 hours after my water had broken. It was a horrible ordeal. The last hours of it was spent on Pitocin (not sure if that's how it's spelled) and it was excruciating. But, you've already been through it (a couple times) and I'm sure you kind of have an idea now of how long it will be for you etc. I can't wait!

I hope all you other ladies have a great day!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Thanks Queen, I am going to either tell him or end it..i havent decided yet..I am such a PUNK! but only about this stuff..People have always labeled me so strong and boy if they only knew. My new guy is nice tho is 7 years my junior and just as sweet as pie..I am just so unsure of how he will react, i cant call it just yet ..its only been 5 months...oh OH god yes condoms are a must! My ex knew but he is a jerk! He stole money from me, didnt want to work..im like boy i really know how to pick em! My fam thinks i should be with him bcus "he loves me so" but shouldnt i be in love as well?..They think bcus he accepted my status being his negative, that he is the "one". NOT....I have a rigth to be happy as well as anyone else, whether im pos or neg..but they dont understand...my mom should understand as she is pos as well...and just as crazy as she wanna be!..lmao, but she is well..its been about 12 yrs since her dg..

Wishful~ Welcome to the Forums. I know how nervous you must be about disclosing. I have dated a lot and have disclosed a lot. Plenty of toads hopped away, believe me. I just disclosed to a guy last week and we are starting a great relationship together (Iceman). I am very fortunate in that he is mature and compassionate, and that my status doesn't worry him. He's concerned about my well-being, but not about becoming pos himself. I have found that disclosure is something you just have to get your nerve up for. If the guy is worth enough to you, then you will eventually disclose. That's how I've seen it for myself. I disclosed to Iceman on the third date with no tears, but believe me, getting to that point wasn't easy. Years before it was always a very emotional thing for me, a lot of it stemming back to my late husband who passed the virus to me when he knew he was pos and didn't tell me. Its been 11 years since he's died. I am much stronger and more confident in myself now, but its been quite a journey! Best of luck to you with all of this.

BT~ Hiya, GF. How is the PSYC class going? What's up with you, anything exciting? I listened to some Priest and Skid Row last night and told Iceman about you, my metal head big sis, lol! BTW, you asked previously about the Hep VL thing. Iceman got his labs back today and he is undetectable, and his liver enzymes look good as well. So, he is doing good! If you click into the Lessons here on poz, there is a lot of good info on HepC....

NY~ I'm glad to hear your man is being honest about his feelings. It must be hard for him after being over in that war. My little brother is over there flying helicopters, and has been gone 2 months. He won't be home for the holidays this year, and has three small children. Mom said he tried to call me last night and I think he called my home phone, which I keep unplugged with no voice mail! For emergencies only, so I missed him calling from the Middle East! Be supportive of your man, who knows, you two may help each other out more than you ever knew you could!

Cam~ Oh I'm so sorry to hear you're sick. I tell you, sometimes it just takes forever to run its course! I hope you're feeling better by Thanksgiving. I'm glad to hear that someone here made a difference and helped you pull through. You know we love you and support you. Its sad when someone doesn't show up in the threads anymore. I still miss zachysmom sometimes, she was cool. So, you just stay in touch, even if your head is barely above water. That way we know you're relatively OK and fighting the good fight! Get well soon, sweetie.

Cristy!~ I LOVE your picture! Why don't you put it in your avatar? Also, as far as dating guys and them knowing you have a child and live with your parents, well, if the guys are good guys, they won't pass judgment on you. If they turn tail and run, they were only looking for one thing in the first place. I had a guy send me a text yesterday, asking if we could get to know each other. We had never spoken on the phone, just emailed a few times and I figured out he only wanted one thing. So he sends this text and I reply that I am seeing someone. He texts back and types, "Great! It will be nice to delete you!" How do YOU spell L-O-S-E-R? LOL A minute prior I was a precious piece of meat and then *poof* his ego is so hurt he has to dog a girl via text, that he doesn't even know. I guess my point is, TELL these guys your situation, the truly good ones will accept you no matter what.

Queen~ You and I are IMing and you just got your GOOD NEWS! SHARE with the GFs! QUEEN ROCKS!! QUEEN ROCKS!! Do you still see me glowing, btw? I need to post about my birthday date before Betty goes nuts!

**QUEEN ROCKS!! QUEEN ROCKS!! QUEEN ROCKS!!**I WOULD post a link to "Baby, I'm A Star" by Prince here, but YouTube doesn't have any Prince, as we all well know!

THE BIRTHDAY

OK, so I was driving back to my place on my birthday (11/14) at 4pm, Iceman was out front waiting for me. He was sitting on my front steps with a huge smile from ear to ear, and a beautiful arrangement of flowers was next to him. Lots of purple irises, my VERY favorite, and other purple flowers, too! They were gorgeous! I ran up the walk and gave him a big hug! We went inside, I went to freshen up my make-up and Iceman went back to his car to get his things.

I hear this "clicking" sound downstairs and chuckle to myself. Iceman has a long lighter, the one that is almost outta juice, and he is obviously trying to light candles, presumably on my birthday cake! I have the two good lighters upstairs, so I wait a moment and then take them downstairs. I don't look into the DR, but reach out my arm to Iceman and ask, "Do you need these?" LOL, we are laughing as he lights my candles and says OK. I look around the corner and there is the cutest, tiniest birthday cake, with purple irises made of frosting, a "3" and an "8" on top! Iceman sings me Happy Birthday, MUCH slower than when I sang to him and nearly caught myself on fire! LOL I open the card from him, funny and cute, very sweet.

There is a gift bag on the table and he tells me to open it up. I reach in and there are a few little boxes in there, wrapped up. I open the first box with my eyes closed and then I look. Its absolutely gorgeous! There is a crescent moon pendant with little diamond studs on it, about a centimeter tall. Its all sparkling and delicate, very very pretty!

I reach into the bag again and open the next small box. Iceman went to an Indian store and bought a wooden tealight holder. It has an opening where you can stand up a purple moon and star made of marblized glass, so that the candlelight glows through it! Perfect, I love the moon theme!

Next, I pull out a small box, about 3 inches square, and its very light. I'm thinking jewelry, but I'm not sure. I close my eyes, unwrap it and open my eyes to look. Crescent moon hoop earrings, very tiny and delicate with tiny studs all over them! They match my pendant and are so beautiful!

I tell Iceman that he has done too much, that the flowers and dinner would have been enough, well, maybe a box of chocolates, too! LOL I reach into the bag and pull out a box with a bow on it while my eyes are closed. I know EXACTLY what it is! A box of Godiva chocolates! We laughed cause I nailed that gift right on the head! I looked at Iceman and said that this is the most special birthday I have had in a very long time, and that he had done way too much by way of gifts. We stood up and I hugged him tight, and then I lost it, started crying on his shoulder. Then I cussed at him (jokingly) cause I had just done my make-up, lol! He is such a sweet, caring man. Just the image of him in my mind, sitting on the front steps with my purple flowers is ....oh goodness, I don't know what to call it. Its just GOOD!

We sit back down and he says to get my next gift out of the bag, I say the chocolates were at the very bottom. He points to the bag, so I look and see two gift cards in the bottom. The first is $50 to the grocery store, so that I can get everything I need to make him Thanksgiving dinner! The second is to Kohl's so that I can go buy some jeans I had mentioned the night before when we were out. The store we checked didn't carry them, and I made a passing comment that I would go to Kohl's, so he went and got me a gift card. Sweet man, sweet man, sweet man. Sigh......

We stepped out the front door to go to dinner and I couldn't believe it. I was wearing my new moon jewelry, and there, right in front of my home in the southern sky was the crescent moon rising, at about 530pm Eastern. There was a huge cloud approaching, and we watched as it came in and covered the moon. If we had walked out a minute later, we would've missed it. The moon was beautiful and romantic, clear in the night sky. We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner and sat on the same side in the booth again. Great conversation, great dinner, lots of romance.

We returned home later, and headed for the bedroom so quickly that we didn't eat any cake, lol. We came back downstairs later in the evening and had hot tea and birthday cake, giggling like a couple of teenagers. Iceman started it, laughing and giggling, saying he felt giddy. Guess I had a good effect on him! He is really amazing, GFs! He stayed the night, got up at 530am and left for the gym in the pouring rain today. It took him an hour and fifteen minutes to go 20 miles down the highway at 545am in the morning! His workout was cut short by the commute -- he said next time it was raining, he would just stay in bed with me and make better use of his time. I couldn't have agreed more!

Iceman is coming over Friday night after work and after my support group. We may go check out a band, see a Christmas tree lighting and buy tix to a New Year's Eve party. We are looking forward to Thanksgiving together, too. I bought Tom Turkey (14.25lbs) today along with all of the trimmings, using the gift card that Iceman gave me. I called my GF in Colorado and talked to her for over an hour, giving her all of the details about the dates Iceman and I have had.

I am positively oozing happiness and look forward to each day more than I have in a long time. It has been a long time coming since I have felt this strongly about someone, but it has been worth the wait.

I think I really knew how great this guy was when he offered to watch Cheech for three weeks if I needed him to.

Hello all! Happy Birthday Cindy... It sounds like you are in such a good place and that is a great feeling. Enjoy it and embrace it.

It is good to see you back Queen. I am glad that everything is ok. I have many days when I want to push everyone away and just retreat into solitude.

Well, tomorrow my class is having their Thanksgiving Feast. The kids make everything, mashed potatoes, corn, pumpkin cookies, real cranberry sauce, gravy, and butter. Unfortunately we don't have turkey, but chicken legs instead. The kids have been looking forward to it all week. Of course I enjoy it after the fact! Very stressful making sure everything is done and within a time frame, but it is totally worth it when I see their faces. Next week is a short week I am looking forward to the break!

Hi Ladies. I have missed checking in so much. Things have been busy and a couple times I tried but the site was down.

Cindy...I'm sorry I missed your birthday. I hope you had the best day.

My stupid doctor's office messed up the appointment. We asked that they schedule my husband and I on the same day since we live like an HOUR away. They didn't book me...just him. We had to reschedule twice. Well at least there will be no demands on my four day weekend. I am so glad to be off for a bit.

Well Damn!!!! It took me 30 minutes to get in here tonight. I saw Peter's post on that but Your Majesty was feeling a bit anxious. I usually am on here about a gazillion times a day but today I was a bit preoccupied with Rico.. Then I had to go to the grocery store to pick up some vittles for Turkey Day and a few more things for Rico. Man, what happened to that mild weather the other day? It was colder than a Witch's tit today, ooh I hope the Goddess doesn't strike me down for that one...

As I was telling Cindy via IM, I was actually trying to disclose to Rico today by starting off by telling him that I was getting feelings for him but that kinda went ppphhhttttt. His response was, " You're a good person but I'm not trying to rush things"... I told him I understood that but it kinda made me . Then on top of that, I think Rico is still in love with his ex, he hasn't said this but I know she kinda did a riverdance all over his heart. Which seems to make things even more difficult....*sighs* I haven't given up telling him, just putting it off, praying for another opportunity.....

Betty-- If you have a cd burner on the computer and you are working with Windows Vista then you should have Windows Media Player which will allow you to burn cds. Now you need a site where to download music from. If you have some type of messenger then I could explain it more in detail to you. It is really not that hard. And yes, Rico did make it over, other than me trying to express my feelings for him and all, it was a pretty decent night. He left early this morning(Thursday morning) but came back over to pick up the groceries I had got for him. He stayed for dinner and I made him a few more cds. I am trying to locate some things for him on freecycle. His uncle is moving back to where he is from because he says the jobs pay better there than here, I just hope Rico doesn't decide to do the same.

Christy-- Good to hear from you. I missed something somewhere, a neg co-worker wanted to date you? I understand your fear. Sorry to hear that your baby is sick, hopes he gets better soon. I know you were prolly jumping for joy when your brother left and let out a big sigh of relief. How is things with your other son?

Cammie--- Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well, that bites. And you know we love you, we never think you are whining but don't we all think that from time to time? We are here for you, you know that.

NY--- I feel for MM, I know it is not easy to recover from seeing all kinds of things during war. I hope he gets the help he needs. I also hope he steps up to the plate too. But I will try to give him the benefit of the doubt since he asked your friend about baby stuff. I forgot, how many kids you have and what are the ages? I am a sucker for a baby though...

Wishful-- I wish I could give you advice on your man but I am in the same boat as you just for less time. You don't have to tell me about exes being scrubs, my last one was that way. All he wanted to do was sit and play the PS2 all damn day with his friends. That got tired quick even after I disclosed to him. You got to live your life for you not your fam and if you're not happy with him then he gotta go, fam forgets they are not the ones that got to deal with the situation.

Well ladies, I gotta go. My neck is getting stiff and it is med time. Funny last night I was as flexible as hell..... Oh wait, while trying to post, 3 of you were posting at the same time so I had to look back...Yes, Cindy, you are still glowing...*runs and puts on * As for the news, I'll report more when I get confirmation...

Cin~ Ice seems as if he walked right out of a fairy tail!! I guess you can be thankful for all of those toads that hopped away, they made room for this wonderful man to come into your life!! Iím so glad your birthday was so special!

Viv~ Hope your thanksgiving feast goes well tomorrow. It takes a special person to teach, I know I couldnít do it.

Queen~ I think your doing the right thing about holding off a bit with Rico. It seems like heís not ready for any seriousness right now. I guess just feel things out from here. Time will tell. Oh and I have 3 kids already they are 11,6, and 4. 2 girls and the little one is a boy.

Cammie~ Hang in there!!!!!!

Wishful~ I can relate to you. Iím such a strong person but for some reason disclosure scares the shit outta me!! I can say just about anything, speak my mind w/o a care in the world but to utter those three little letters HIV is a mission for me.

Well girlies I am feeling a bit more relaxed since MM and I had our convo. Iíve been trying hard not to call him constantly and be too needy. I know he understands Iím hormonal but I know heís got issues too and Iím trying not to overwhelm him. My best friend, MM and I all grew up together. She is actually married to his best friend. Sheís been very good at putting him in his place and helping him put things into perspective. Sheís like a sister to him and he listens to her so Iím thankful for her. I think she has really helped him realize what Iím going through. Sheís also good at keeping tabs on him for me. Tomorrow theyíre going shopping for the baby, Iím kind of excited. Heís a man and has no clue what to look for so sheís going with him. The great thing about this is that sheís like a sister to him and since sheís my best friend she knows what I like. She wont let MM buy anything hideous, and heíll listen to her!

Aside from that I havenít received a call from the ASO yet. I plan to call tomorrow. Disability STILL hasnít processed my claim and Iím still broke as hell. UGH! ! Hopefully tomorrow I can get in touch with someone from the ASO and get the ball rolling. Well Iím off to bed. Good night all!

Cin, wow, what a day! I know you're still glowing, like the moon. I'm so glad that you had such a special time. He sounds like the perfect man. You definitely deserve it. Oh, and the pictures of Cheech were cute! And what a beautiful bouquet!

Viv, I really don't know how you do it. You've got to be a very patient person. I hope all goes well with the dinner.

Queen, I'm anxiously waiting to hear whatever it was Cin was talking about. Is there something good going on? Oh, and I don't have messenger. I've been asked by quite a few people if I have that. I don't even know what it is. When I can get ahold of my brother's girlfriend again, she is supposed to show me how to burn CDs. I suppose I could go on napster and burn some songs. They, at least, have Prince.

NY, I will be anxious to hear what MM got for the baby. He probably wants to do the right thing. Is this his first child?

Well, today my car goes in for a tune-up. Also, when I step on the gas, it hesitates. I mean, it runs, it just hesitates. Hopefully it's the fuel filter and not the fuel injectors. I hear they can be quite costly to replace. A friend of mine told me she got fuel injectors replaced in the 90's, and it was $200! And the garage I go to are kind of higher priced than some other places, because they are so good. So, anyway, keep your fingers crossed that it's only the fuel filter! They do have cars they rent while your car is being repaired, so I'm going to do that and go do my father's shopping. I also, of course, have algebra homework that I want to get done today. No algebra next week because of Thanksgiving! Yippee!!!

Oh, Cin, as for my Child & Adolescent Psychology class, it's going good. We have three papers due and only four more weeks of class, so I'll be busy writing papers in the next few weeks. I am so looking foward to winter break. It'll be nice, having three weeks of no school. I've been going nonstop since last fall (except for last year's winter break). I'm ready for some time off!

Other than that, I got some new kitchen rugs yesterday. Mine were just getting too dingy. I guess we need to do something like that once in awhile.

Tomorrow, I'm going out with a friend around 9:00 for breakfast, and we're going to the local farmer's market here. I haven't been there in years. The last time I was there, I was married to my second husband. I don't even remember what all they have, but I know it's a lot. Then in the afternoon, I'm getting together with my best bud and we're going to go out for dinner, watch the movie "Sicko" and go to an NA meeting. Yay for the weekend! I hope all you ladies have a nice day.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Thanks ladies....im ashamed to even admit this but last night i hit him with the "i had a dream" we got tested and i came back poz and u came back neg..would u still stay with me?"lolol...he thought about it for a minute and then said yeah i would..it would be hard but i would and he kissed me...at first he was like "hhow would i be negative" assuming it would be him that passed it to me..im working up the nerve..not quite there yet..WOw u girls are great im so thankful for u all!

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Live life to the fullest...

tendai

My ex knew but he is a jerk! He stole money from me, didnt want to work..im like boy i really know how to pick emwishful i had a boyfriend who did that. and i was like 'shit this guy's accepted me with my HIV and he's been good to me maybe he wont do it again maybe he was in a tight spot.' i tried to make excuses for him but i realised that it wont do me any good to be with a guy who is going to treat me like that and stress me out with his drunken unemployed thieving ass. stress and HIV dont go well together so i had to Jet Li his ass to the curb.and about your 'dream' how u going to turn it into a reality? i usually disclose the cowards way. i send a text over the phone. i did tell this one guy face to face sitting in the car in the dark after he'd taken me home after a movie. cant see the horror on his face in the dark . but i think that if u're stressing over whether to tell him , then just bite the bullet and do it. then u'll know once and for all instead of wondering and biting your nails and that. coz discussing a dream is way different from discussing cold hard facts. r u sure he's neg?

NY- looks like theres a ray of hope over at your side. God willing MM will step up and be a responsible dad. and yu got your friend backing u up slapping some sense into him

Confused - good luck with the appointment, hopefully they wont screw it up this time.

Cindy- u ought to write a book. i'm betting u'll inspire many a despairing female. heres to happily ever after for u guys

Cammie- sorry u're sick. get well soon, hey. i've had the squirts since tueday, wish i could just stay home

Tendai: its gonna be soon..cus i hate to stress and i usually dont..if somthing is stressing me i alleviate it ASAP..yeah the ex is still calling and everything..saying he really really loves me..but i know he isnt the one..drunken thieving ass was so point!..that was him..half ass working and im paying the majority of stuff..he did get a ssi chk tho (go figure)..lol so he helped on the rent but the bad sooo overweighed the good..i was like i can do bad by myself...and find someone else who will accept me just the same and treat me much better..No i am not sure he isnt poz..i know that (what he told me) i am the 3rd woman he ever had sex with..he was with another women 10 yrs his senior for 6 years..and its somthin suspicious about her too..when we first got together she was jealous and called me to say he gave her herpes but she still stayed with him..then she changed it up and said no she has it but he didnt know..and went on to how she had to have their son out of town bcus of this n that ..so im gonna take him to be chked for everything..i think thats when ill tell him....

I've been meaning to post but RSI has the better of me, so I'll keep this short and sweet, say hi, welcome & good luck with the disclosure to Wishful (and you too Queen; I'm sorry it didn't go well with the affection thing, my BF was exactly the same, it was like saying I love you was undergoing surgery without anasthesia for him, it took ages and ages), say OMG to Cindy (where did you FIND this guy?!), say get well soon to Cammie and good luck with everything from cars & classes to the miracle of bringing a new life into this world and everything in between (guys guys and more guys; Cristy maybe I don't have the full picture but I'm still not fully convinced about why not give your workmate/friend/confidant a chance, unless it's the don't want to date a collegue thing... sorry don't mean to be nosy just wondering).

Life is kinda quiet, I have been a little depressed, homesick just missing my parents, procastinating the diet thing, fighting my anxieties. Not really something I can write about it less than 2,000 words. Guess that's what blogs are for... My BF is being great, but nowhere near Iceman's league, I mean flowers AND choclates AND jewlery AND dinner AND romance. At this stage though if my guy came up with all that I'd know something is wrong... Ice should look for a closer gym though b/c this commute is no joke. God I love just getting on my bike, that's a real quality of life, whenever i go home and stand in the gas fumes for hours I really appreciate it. Except of course when the rain pours on me and the icy winds blow through my clothes

have a great evening & kickstart to the weekend ladies

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Now Drag, don't be depressed. Treat yourself to something (like chocolate! but drink 32 oz of water with it to trick your brain ! ), mail a little note to your parents and put on some good music! I met Iceman on a dating site on the internet, Match.com. There I was, dipping into the neggie pool, and here he comes, chasing after me with a vengeance! This was meant to be and we are both very excited! This is my favorite time of the year without a man, but now that I have Iceman, I am very excited!

Wishful, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Just don't lose your head in all of this, you know what the right thing to do is, just do it when you're ready.

Tendai~ I have always wanted to write a book, hell, I practically have in these Forums! Its such a coincidence that you mentioned that. How are things in your part of the world?

BT~ Don't think I've forgotten what Sunday is! QUIT DAY! You can do it! You said you've already started back on the Chantix? Kind of like a warm-up? Good luck! Just yell at a football game and then you can't keep a cig in your mouth! LOL Keep us posted on the car trouble, I hope its just gunked up, and an easy fix for you! I'll ask Iceman what it is, he's been in the automotive industry for 25 years now. He manages the managers at a dozen different locations, lol! Also, instant messenger or "IM" is a way to type back and forth instantly on the computer, in real time. Go to www.yahoo.com and download "Messenger." Pick a screen name and then PM me with it. We can get you started! Its like a phone conversation, but its all typing, back and forth!

NY~ Nice to hear that your MM is going baby shopping, that IS a step in the right direction. WHEN are you due? I am still guessing December 3rd?

Queen~ Get outta bed and tell the GFs the scoop! Are you seeing Rico this weekend?

Confused~ So when is your appt scheduled for now? This is for the first set of labs since diagnosis, right? Sorry if I have you "confused" with someone else, but I think I got it!

Viv~ You're probably needing a siesta by now, stuffed with turkey and all of the trimmings! I hope the feast at class was loads of fun for you and the students!

Cam~ I hope you're feeling better and getting some rest!

I JUST GOT OFFERED A JOB TODAY!!! I START 11/26 AND ITS 3 MILES FROM MY HOUSE! MORE SOON!

The Iceman cometh tonight, and I have a busy afternoon with massage therapy and my support group. I'll try to post more about the job over the weekend!

T.G.I. F Ladies!!!!! The snow is starting to come down and prolly by the weekend it will be here for good. Ugh, I hate winter, funny considering that I am a January baby. I tend to hibernate when it gets cold... No plans for tonight, just chilling by the tv and watching some cable. It's Friday, so it is a Smackdown night for me which means wrestling. And you know how the Queen loves her wrestling!!!! Rico is suppose to come over tomorrow some time but that may change with how the weather is acting but I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Cindy-- Congrats on the job. I just love how things have come full circle for you. You deserve it!!! You need to bring your glowing ass over here and fight off this damn snow coming down. Also I could always work on my tan.. I love those pics of Cheech too, he is such a cutie. I would love to tell the ladies the scoop but like I said, I will wait until I have confirmation for sure. I don't wanna put my foot in my mouth, ya know. But if it does happen, I consider it a very good thing.

Dragonette-- I hope you will be feeling better soon. I haven't given up on the disclosure with Rico, just looking for a better time. I saw you are trying to work on your spanish, me too, not just cause of Rico but because I am half Puerto Rican and feel kinda jipped that I don't know my native tongue. I know a little (un poquito) but no one to really speak it to. So when Rico comes over, I usually have him rattle some off and I try to pick it up. Funny thing is I can understand some of it if the person doesn't speak too fast. I think I am going to have to invest in a spanish cd but here's one for you....Quiero ir al bano.....I want to go to the bathroom... or Donde esta al bano.....Where is the bathroom? Good thing to know how to say....

Betty-- So you do know how to download music, then all you have to do is just burn it and like I said if you have Windows Media Player then the rest is a piece of cake really. Download Yahoo Messenger and I will show how to do the rest. When you do that put me on your bud list, I am CapricornEnchantress. You will have to wait for my approval but you got that. I did the approval thing because I was getting all kinds of people trying to get me to look at their web cam and stuff.

Wishful--- I am with Cindy, disclose when you are ready, don't feel pressured. I sent you a PM but I see you got that. I can't wait for you to be able to chat all the time.

I am off for now. I need to get something to eat before my sugar tries to crash on me. I will check in later. You ladies have a good Friday and don't do anything I wouldn't do...

I haven't been posting much but keeping up with reading everybody's ....

Sounds like some good stuff going on. Cindy, congrats on Iceman. Camille, I hope you feel better.

I've been thinking about some things I have been reading on the board ... and I feel I have to speak my mind. I don't want to make anybody feel bad, and I'm not judging ... but I have to say it is really hard for me to hear about sex without disclosure. I think it is something we should be able to talk about openly.

Queen, wishful -- I'm not judging you and I'm not scolding you. But I gotta speak my mind. If you put yourself in your man's shoes --- how would you feel ? I know you are keeping your men "safe" by using protection --- but should it not be their decision ?? I believe that we, people living with HIV, carry several HIV-related responsibilities. One, to stop the spread of HIV. Secondly, to educate others. And thirdly, to let others make decisions about their health and risks just as we want to make our own decisions for ourselves. I'm saying this not to make you feel bad, but to encourage you to disclose to your partners. I belileve that if you are not ready to disclose -- it is completely OK to wait until you are comfortable to disclose --- but then I believe sex has to wait until after you are comfortable enough to disclose.

I know I run the risk of alienating myself from this board by saying these things. I don't want that -- I would like to be a part of this board and I would like to make friends with all of you gals. But I also gotta say what I think, and I don't think it is fair to have sex with somebody, protected OR unprotected, without disclosure. We have to be part of the solution.

I'm not saying it is easy. I know how hard it is, I have had to disclose just like the rest of you. I agonized about it, I cried, I put it off, I thought about running in the other direction, and I still think about disclosure all the time. I haven't even told my parents. I have lots of hurdles to overcome myself. But sex is another story ... and I just encourage you to disclose to your men before sex. They deserve to know, and I know from reading your posts that you can do it.

I understand how you feel about disclosure and you are allowed to have your opinion. No one will think any worse of you for saying what you feel. As you know, I am all for speaking your mind. Not sure if you have read my previous posts about how I feel about disclosure, if not then why don't you check it out. I have been the first to say that I have issues with disclosure. But understand that I am not out humping every Tom, Dick, and Rico. It has actually been 2 years since I had been involved with anyone sexually.

I am working on trying to be more open with my status but how would you feel if someone told your status before you even had a chance to? I never had the opportunity to be open about it, my family choose to do that for me which I felt wasn't right either and this was when I was not even being sexual with anyone. I have also tried in the past to disclose to other people, as in telling them and being treated like shit. Not everyone has a happy ending when disclosing. The only people that has been accepting of my being poz is my room mate and a couple of gay friends that I have.

You may think that everything I am saying is excuses but really it is not. I did not plan on having sex with Rico but it has happened. I can't take it back. The responsible thing to me knowing what I have, is to be protected. To me, the wrong thing to have done would have been to have sex with him and not be protected. Since you have been reading the posts lately then you know that I am looking for the right time to tell Rico my status but as I have said in past posts considering what Rico has on his plate now, I don't think he can handle me telling him. I will tell him, sorry that is not something that you approve of but before you think bad of me or judge me, try dealing with what I have had to deal with. As they say, "Walk a mile in another man's shoes." You say you are not judging me but it really does sound like you are..........

OK, Cin, you busted me. Yes, Sunday is supposed to be my quit date. And I am still planning on doing it. And congratulations on the job! I am so excited for you! See, I told you about the good karma thing. I wonder what you and Iceman are up to tonight. I will do the messenger thing when I have more time to be on the computer.

Queen, you know when it's right for you to disclose. Hey, I know about the Spanish thing. My first husband was Mexican and his mother spoke mainly Spanish with only very broken English. I got to the point where I could understand Spanish, but I couldn't speak it much. Of course, all that is lost now, because, like you said, if you don't use it, you lose it.

Drag, nice to see you on here. I understand about missing your parents. I really miss my mom. This will be the first holiday season every in my life without her. It's really hard. I want to buy her a Christmas present, I want to help her with dinner, I want to help decorate her house. I know she's in a better place, but it still gets to me.

Sara, your opinion is always welcome. I'm not one of the ladies with the issue, but I have to say that we are on here to support one another. Of course, if you've looked in the other threads, you'll see that sometimes disagreement is quite common. I think we here on the women's forum are a special group. Like I said, your opinion is always welcome and you certainly are entitled to it. But I'm not in Queen's or Wish's situation, so I can't say what I'd do if I were. Me personally, I would disclose, but they're not me and all that stuff.

Anyway, ladies, I better go get some studying done. I hope everyone's having a good evening. It's unusual for me to be studying at this time of night, so I'm sure it won't last for long. Actually, all I have to do tonight is finish reading a chapter in a book. Oh, they changed the fuel filter in the car, but it's still missing. The mechanic told me what he thinks it is, and says it's nothing major. I had to have the car back though so I could go do my dad's shopping, as he was freaking out. So I might put it back in the shop next week or the week after. Talk to you ladies later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Cindy, this will be my second set of labs. I had my baseline work within a few weeks of diagnosis. I was supposed to have it done the week after but I kinda freaked out and put it off. The new appointment is for the 30th...which I am not very happy with. I had this whole long weekend off so I thought I would give me time to pull myself back together. I fell into a funk after the last one and I don't want to be at work like that if I feel that way again.

I would like to put my 2 cents in on this disclosure issue. With all the issues lately with my marriage I have wondered what it would be like to date and have to put myself out there. With all the rejection involved with dating in general, throwing something else into the mix is unimaginable.

In my mind I would love to believe that I would disclose before things get serious. In fact I have even told close friends that it would be really hard for me to date again if I ever were in that situation. You never know who will try to destroy you, who will go crazy because of the misconceptions they have. There are still people in this world who think HIV is transmitted like the common cold, from kissing, touching or even being near someone. The fear is unfounded but it is real. I have heard these fears voiced by those that had no idea what I was dealing with.

The fact of the matter is things happen. Life happens. Rarely in my life has anything that has happened to me been because I planned it out that way. I didn't plan to get married the first or the second time. I didn't plan to have a child. I didn't even plan out my career path, let alone planning the way my first sexual experience with any man would go. The first time you have sex with someone it is something that starts out innocent and slow but progresses to something wild, raw and sometimes impossible to resist. Those urges surely don't die because this virus runs through us. It is really easy to say we would do something differently and we all have said so at some point about something but only being there, in that situation will show what your true reaction would be.

Hi there ladies,Just saying hello to everyone. Cindy, I was smiling all over my face reading your thread about your birthday night, I always thought that stuff only happened in movies, (Happy belated birthday) I am happy for you, maybe Iceman can teach my husband one or two things . About the disclosure issue, it actually took me seven years to disclose to my husband, the more I wanted to tell him the harder it got, until I finally sent him an email telling him the names of the meds I was on and asking him to look them up. It seems to be harder for some of us than others and I've had alot of negative vibes from even medical people in my past, I know that's no excuse but I just couldn't get the words to come out, even now I can't talk about it with him, the guilt is still there as well, but I'm so glad that he finally knows. I've come to realise that if you are not afraid of people finding out (or trying to fool yourself that you're not) then the gossip doesn't hurt as much, it still hurts but not as much. My husband said the other day that if I had really loved him I would have told him from the beginning and I should have given him the choice, he's probably right, I don't know if that's the reason, maybe it was alot of things. Anyway, I've said enough for now and I'm probably not making any sense what so ever. Just wanted to say hi and that I understand.

LoveG

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When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. - African proverb

Hmph, I came on here expecting to read some good things from Cin and our Queen, but I guess they must've been busy doing other things last night. Anyway, I hope you ladies are fine.

Another word about disclosure, I don't know how I would react unless I were in that situation. Surely we can't be judgemental of people who don't disclose right away. I've made too many mistakes in my life to be in the judgement seat. So, as far as diclosure it concerned, nuf said.

This morning a gay friend of mine will be here in about 25 minutes. We're going out to breakfast and then we're going to the local farmer's market. I haven't been there since I was married to my second husband, and I'm a little excited. Later on today, a friend of mine is coming over and we're going to watch Sicko and go to a meeting. I'm looking foward to seeing Sicko, I heard it's a good flick. I always like something controversial about the government systems, since I'm such a rebel. Other than that, it's been a quiet morning around here. I hope all you ladies have a good day-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Good Morning Everyone! First I want to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS to Cindy. I know this job has been a long time coming. Good for you. Now you can rest easy!

Betty-You can do!!!!Queen- It sounds like you are trying to be happy and that's great. We all have our own reasons for doing things. Hang in there and you'll find the right time.

I feel like I am going to have to keep notes on everybody so I can keep up,LOL! Well, my feast went over well. No one got burnt or cut and there was enough food to go around. That made it a good day! The kids really had a good time. My room is connected to the other 5th grade room by partitions and for this day my partner teacher and I open the doors and connect the desk so it makes the day even more special. I think that I am lucky to do what I love to do. It's funny that some of you think I must be so patient. I am patient with the kids but with adults I have higher expectations...

I am so happy that we are getting to the holiday season. I love this time of year! Of course I don't have the change of seasons like most of you. We celebrate Thanksgiving in flip flops!

Billy and I are going to Houston for Thanksgiving so I'm doing Thanksgiving tommorrow for my family. I dont want to go to Houston, I dont like the drive and in general I dont like being there. I sliced thru my nail and thumb cutting onions earlier so now the tip of my thumb is super glued, bandaged and covered in a glove when I'm handling food.

I am sitting here with morning hair sticking out all over my head and zit cream on my face waiting for the pain pill to kick in cause I'm having menstrual cramps.They just started me on the pill to "help" with my menstrual pain supposedly. Sooooo instead of 3 days of intense pain <easiily comparable to labor pains> I started bleeding again after the second week of taking the pill. So now I will have a period that last 2 weeks. They wont let me fill the prescription early so I can skip my period. uggh I dont know what is worse. intense pain for 3 days or pain pain for 2 weeks. The GYN I saw was a NA, I thought she was nice, she gave me a number to call her if I had any problems. Well that number turns out to be a pager number and she doesnt return calls. They think I might be premenopausal even though I am only 35. I dont know. I just dont like having my damn period. I serves no purpose for me other than to make me dirty, stinky and in pain and if Billy says its a penalty one more time that my kind shouldnt have eatten that apple I'm going to find one and shove it up his ass. LOL

Just checking in...I'm not really feeling too good, not sure what is going on. I have been feeling sick to my stomach since last night and my stomach hurts like someone kicked me in it. At first I thought maybe it was the side effects from my meds but I'm not sure if it's that anymore. Usually when that happens, I'll go to sleep and wake up feeling better. Then after reading Em's post about the flu shot and learning that it takes a few weeks for the shot to really kick in, I thought maybe I have the flu or some of the symptoms. Not sure about that either because I have never had the flu before but I thought well it can't be that because I really haven't been out the house except to go to the grocery store. And the only person I have been around has been Rico but he's not sick at all. I hadn't eaten much yesterday except for some bacon earlier during the day and snacked on some fried okra last night, so I'm ruling out food poisoning. I know I need to quit diagnosing myself but I refuse to go to the ER and sit there for like 6 hours just so they can tell me that it is "probably" a stomach virus. I just feel like curling up in a ball. And I get like a baby when I am not feeling well.....

Winiroo---- Girl, I know how those cramps can be. I use to be a royal bitch every month. They tried the pill thing with me too cause I use to bleed for like weeks every month. Not good when you're anemic, so I ended up getting the depo shot which stopped everything.

Viv--- Thanks for being understanding on the disclosure issue, I really appreciate that. I just think it is so easy sometimes for folks to say what you should do when if they were in my shoes it would prolly be a different story. Not knocking those who jumps at the chance to disclose from the gate but just saying. There was a case in NY some years back when this guy who found out he was infected was screwing women left and right, not being protected at all, ya know. With my ex it actually took me 4 years to build up the courage to tell him and I know that was indeed not fair to him. I will not do that with Rico but like I said, he is not ready but I am looking for the opportunity to tell him.

Confused--- I really liked what you had to say about the disclosure issue, thanks for saying it.

Betty--- The same thing goes for you too. I hope you are having fun out with your friend today.

Cindy--- Where you at? We want to hear about the new job. I know you prolly got my IMs but like I told you, I was not directing my frustrations at you but just needed to vent and at that point felt that I couldn't do it here without being misunderstood. Of all the ladies, I think you understand me the most. But I'm sure you are prolly busy with the Iceman, having fun....

I need to go lay back down for a bit before Rico comes over. You ladies have a good one....

Today was the first time I cried reading something on the forums, like for real... actually not on the forums but on the blog, reading Ann's blog. That is not to say that I didn't read more, objectively speaking, heartbreaking stories here, nevertheless this touched me in such a deep way. I am just choking as I write this. My BF went to dinner and a movie with friends so I didn't join, tomorrow we have dinner here with more people so I am just here. Anyway we had a long discussion over my dependancy on him and his growing but slower one on me (he is always a few steps behind as I wrote Queen). I am ashamed of showing my true face to him, like what if the real me is not attractive enough... what if my weaknesses make him run away. But what happened with Ann showed me, it can happen anytime. I knew this already, I know relationships are unstable for the most part. But everytime it hurts. In this case, not just b/c it's scary. I really feel all those feelings which i will not name here now, identify completly.

OK deep breath... I wanted to write on the disclosure thing, but I don't have a strong opinion. I do have about what i would do which is what I did, disclose before sex (which caused a delay of sex by what was then an indefinite period). Having said that, I don't do it to "stop HIV with me" but b/c I am afraid that the person (well I only did this once and hope never too again, but you never know) will react badly when I tell it afterwards... so my motives are not pure, so to speak. One more thing which has made my life much easier when it comes to disclosing (and still I don't disclose all over the place) is the fact that I am a foreigner. At home, I am discreet to the point of keeping this from medical personnel, although I have told friends. I imagine that if I was dating at home (something I would not even want to consider, regardless of HIV) I would be much much more careful with disclosure. In fact HIV would prolly prevent me from dating, unless I met someone who liked me already, not a date such as online dating. When Cindy disclosed to Ice, I didn't want to say anything, but I was so nervous b/c I was afraid it was just too soon... I don't beleive on disclosing in the first dates... I don't think most people can handle that in this day. I thought she was incredibly brave, she had already made up her mind and I didn't want to cast any doubts her way.

I agree Sara that learning that the person with whom one is sleeping is poz is most times a huge shocker, esp if you know that they knew. I don't think - actually I know - there is a risk of infection, when you are having safe sex, esp with a woman. I think the ideal situation is what Cindy & Sunseeker just went thru and to a lesser degree what i went thru - not complete acceptance and let's hit the road baby but not rejection either, more a cautious approach not unlike Cindy's Jay's. So this is the ideal, but there is also the reality. And in reality people try to get whatever wamth and closeness and kindness they can get, b/c in this cruel cold world, you never have a guarantee of how long that will last either. And you never know until you try, what is the right way to go about certain things with certain people. So I don't justify holding that information, but I don't condemn it either. And it's not cos I'm trying to be neutral, it's b/c this is a difficult thing. I would advice anyone to dislose early (but not too early) to save heartache. But what iif they can't? what if they have been rejected? what if their society is not educated or liberal enough? I have been dumped by a guy who said he loved me & was about to move in with me for this, I am sure that 99.9999% of the guy where i am from would not accept HIV as part of my package. I know what is the "right" thing. But what if you can't do the right thing? should you avoid trying to get a relationship altogether? What if you know it can be good and you are not putting the other person at risk? If there was a risk of infection I would say yes, you must avoid building as relationship - and that includes sex - before disclosure, but I don't beleive this is the case. I know that the law in some places says otherwise, but not where I live, for the reason that they don't consider undisclosed safe sex dangerous.

Confused, you mentioned that some people still think HIV can be passed thru sharing cutlery etc. I am not sure my BF's family doesn't still think that and that is one reason I don't feel 100% comfortable with them. But, even if you were not poz, would you want to go out with someone who was that ignorant? Just a thought...I don't doubt for a second that it's much harder for us to play the already tough game of finding a mate, but don't think that it can't happen... we have seen evidence to the contrary just on this thread quite a few times in a few months only... don't cement your heart, b/c it will protect you but also isolate you...

well that's it from me for now. hope you are all having a decent afternoon (?). I used to get pretty crampy too but even more I am grumpy before my period, and that's an understatement, more like criminally insane... hope the red zone passes quicky Winiroo... Hugs and get wells to all those who need it.

« Last Edit: November 17, 2007, 05:01:51 PM by Dragonette »

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Cin~ CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Iím very happy for you! Seems as if life is really beginning to come together for you. Good 4 you!

Viv~ Glad your meal went well. I guess you are patient with kids because thatís your calling. We all have one.

Wini~ Iím sorry your having a crappy day!! We all have them. I know theres this new birth control out that you can take, you only have 3 periods a year. Maybe you should ask your doc about it. I hope you feel better soon!

Queen~~ FEEL BETTER!! Girl, just crawl back into bed and rest. You prob just have a stomach bug. Itís been going around where I live. Hopefully itís just a 24 hour thing and tomorrow your feeling better.

Dragon~ Hope your doing well. Iíve glanced at anns blog but never really sat down and read through it. Now I think I will.

Well ladies, the past few days have bought more chaos for me. Still no call back from the ASO. I called again yesterday morning and left a message. Nobody has gotten back to me. Itís very frustrating, especially when you really need some help. Disability still has not filed my claim because the med records office at my doctors office hasnít sent them my paperwork. I called med records and was told they receive over 200 request a day and it could take weeks before they send the records over. Iím still waiting for a child support check and if/when I get it I plan to go get the records myself and fax them. I feel like if I want things to get done I have no choice but to do them myself. I called child support and there is $$ in my acct but it hasnít been mailed out yet. When I asked why the lady couldnít tell me, she couldnít tell me when it would be mailed either. This is SO frustrating!!!!! So in a nutshell Iím STILL BROKE!!! Come Monday morning Iím going to start with another round of phone calls. Things are getting more and more tight as time goes by. I canít continue on like this. Hopefully something gets done soon.

As for MM, he did go out and get me a really nice swing, stroller and car seat for the baby along with some other things. I wonít go as far as to say things between us are ok but theyíre a bit better. He is stepping up to the plate as a father but I wonder about him and I. I think heís just as confused about ďusĒ as I am. I donít dare ask because I donít want to jump into anything. I guess Iíll just see where things go. He says heís coming to stay with me after Thanksgiving, weíll see if that happens and how that goes. Besides that my day has been the same as usual. School work and housework. Nothing exciting. Hope you ladies are doing wellÖ.Iíll be back later!

CONGRATULATIONS CINDYI'm waiting for the official notice I just couldn't help myself...

NY, I really really keep my fingers crossed & hope things work out come Monday. And about MM, I am glad he is doing stuff for the baby, can't you ask him for help? I mean he is 50% of the reason you are not working now... just to get thru this tight spot. What's this about coming after Thanksgiving, is it this week?

Take good care, Now I really have to reest my arm... Night all,

« Last Edit: November 17, 2007, 07:27:30 PM by Dragonette »

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Viv, I myself enjoy the scenery with the changes in seasons (I'm in northcentral Indiana) but I do not like the cold weather, believe me. However, I like the real hot and humid weather even less. I guess the ideal place would be Hawaii (yeah, right).

Wini, it sounds like you need to talk again with the gyn. You know you can always vent here. Sorry about your finger. Superglue? That's a new one on me.

Queen, I hope you're feeling better. If it is a stomach virus, I hope it goes away quickly! How are you keeping your sugars up if you're not eating? Just please be careful.

Drag, It's so good to here from you. I hope you continue to post here frequently. We really do care about you.

Cin, where are you girl? I bet you're out having the time of your life with Iceman. I'm so, so glad you got a job offer. You just go on girl!

I watched the movie Sicko tonight and recommend it to everyone living in America. It's just that good. I also went to an NA meeting, which was good. The topic was recovery and relapse. There was a girl there who is just coming off of a relapse, so it was a good topic. We read the chapter about it out of the NA book. Then after that we went out for coffee at a local restaurant. Oh, by the way, Notre Dame won their home game today. It's the only home game they've won this season. And I don't really care. When they're playing here, people act like it's the second coming of Christ. It's just ridiculous. Anyway, tomorrow is church and we're having a potluck afterwards for Thanksgiving. I don't know what all we're going to have to eat. I got some chocolate chip/pumpkin bread today at the local farmer's market that I'm going to take. So I better be off to bed. Have a good one ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Dragonette - Sounds like your doing some good soul searching. I guess you'll figure out eventually what works for you as far as discloser.

Nygurl225 - I feel so bad that your getting the run around. I hope everything works out for you soon. You dont need the stress. I'm glad the baby's father is helping. Thats nice to hear.

Bettytacy - Yeah, super glue will hold a wound closed and since my nail was cut too it keeps the nail from getting snagged on something and tearing it off.

I'm all finished with most of the cooking and cleaning for my Thanksgiving tommorrow. I just have to heat everything back up and cook some of the veggies and make the salad. I asked the GYN if I could get something to stop my period completely since it is so painful for me. Of course she decided she wanted to experiment with regulating my hormones to see if it will make the periods less painful. I have a tubal ligation I sure as hell dont need a period. She seemed leery about the whole thing. Said something to the effect that I'd have to have a period at least every three months to keep my uterus healthy. I dont even want the damn thing. LOLI've had someone else mention the depo <sp> shot. That would be awesome if I didnt gain weight from it. I'm just getting comfortable being a size 10. I dont want to go back to a 12.