maandag 24 september 2018

W.T. Stead -- 25 september 1888

September 25, 1888
[...] Mr. Thompson [de directeur van de krant waar Stead voor werkte] returned the next day. He was very indignant, said that I had insulted him, that I had destroyed his confidence in me, that he had more confidence in Cook than in me, and then harked back to the condition of the paper. Our stand regarding Trafalgar Square hit us in advertisements and also in circulation. The Star starting soon after also hit us. The result is that we are now down to the figure that we were before, with fewer advertisements. This is failure, I admit. From my proprietor's point of view I have failed to make his paper a property. He has a right to send me away. He gave me notice from Oct. 1 and yesterday I got the letter saying that he wanted some serious conversation with me about it today.

In June my head exalted almost unto the stars, now abased to the depths. "God keep me humble", my last words in leaving Russia, have been answered indeed. I have been humiliated. My whole future is overclouded. From the very pinnacle of success I have been hurled into the abyss of failure. And now I am utterly without resource. I am at Thompson's mercy. I had hoped that God was about to open a door to my great morning paper. So far he has given no sign of any such intention. All doors seem closed. All that I see is that by Oct. 1 I have to finish my book, The Truth about Russia, and finish my term as editor. All my efforts to find new or even supplementary modes of support have failed. Outside the Pall Mall I do not seem able to earn a penny. Next year I shall be 40. If I am not a failure, if I am not useless as a journalist, O God, help me and keep me and give me might and courage and knowledge of Thy will.

The house fixes the scale of living. If I cannot earn £1200 I cannot live there. But I have bought the house and so far as I can see I am meant to live there. Then, if so, God will find the cash and provide me with the work necessary. Again, O God, unto Thee do I cry. Hear my voice. Keep my feet. Show me Thy will and help me to fear not. "Only be strong and of a good courage".