Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Washington, D.C.--Scientists announed they have finally abandoned attempts to discover a unified theory of the federal health care legislation, saying they've concluded "it's impossible to make any coherent sense of it."

The scientists pointed to provisions that exempted Nebraskans from additional taxes, gave special protections to union health care plans, exempted Michigan's Blue Cross Blue Shield from taxes on insurers, and granted an extra $300 million to Louisiana for Medicaid, an extra $500 million to Massachusetts, and an extra $600 million to Vermont.

"This legislation appears to follow no principles of consistency or internal logic," said one scientist. "It's probably best analyzed under chaos theory."