Heartbroken...and angry!!!

Just heard from my doctor that my numbers are dropping and there is no more baby inside me. It has been a rollercoaster week for me...I found out I was pregnant on Jan 21. Jan 24th was my expectant due date from my baby I lost back in June, so I thought what a wonderful thing God has done, giving me this pregnancy knowing how difficult this time was for me. Jan 26th at night, He took it from me. I went to the ER and they did all their exams, the u/s tech told me there was no sign of a pregnancy and it looks like the fetus stopped growing around 6 weeks. But then then ob/gyn told me that my cervix was closed and my HCG levels were at 30 so I could be in the early stages of a pregnancy instead of the 8 weeks they thought I was.

What a headache and heartache! I am just devastated that it happened at the same time, it could not have been worst timing.

Is anyone else angry?! I am so mad!!! I feel like I look at everyone else who is pregnant and think "why not me!? What did I do wrong???" I have a home for this child, I can provide for this child, Mommy & Daddy would LOVE this child...why them and not me?! I am just so angry!

Comments (8)

I'm very angry also, and I seem to take it out mostly on my Fiance, I'm angry that the Goddess has been giving me babies just to take them from me, and I"m angry that my friends keep saying "you were to earlly to count it as a real pregnancy" and I'm angry that pretty much every one doesn't understand. I'm angry that other girls at my school get to have their babies and I get nothing.

Thanks ladies for your thoughts. It was a week yesterday that this miserable journey started and although I will never be happy with God's decision, I again have to come to terms with it.

I am not as angry as I was last week (I mean I was really angry, like even mad at little old lady's walking too slow in the grocery store!) Life really throws some curve balls at us and I know we will get through this stronger, just like before. I just can't wait until that day comes when I can be excited and pregnant, where I can hold my baby in my arms & not just my heart.

Courtney-I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I feel the same way! Life isn't fair sometimes. Since my loss in 2009, I have met wonderful women who have experienced loss, but they have kids! I think I would feel better if I had a least one, but according to them, that doesn't change. It will be our turn soon! I promise. Even after all the heartbreak, I still have hope! All we can do now is enjoy our husbands. I am thankful I have him and my 2 dogs.

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Jen & D

Jamie Natalia born at 29 weeks 2lbs 3oz 14in. We are so happy she's home

I am really sorry for all of your loss's. I have had 3 miscarraiges so I do understand. Here is what helped me. First I realized that the reason I had the m/c is because the baby would be disabled. If I am honest with myself I don't think I have the patience for a child with downs or autism or some other abnorality. Second. The body is seperate from the soul. We are not our bodies. We are not humans having a spiritual experience...we are spirtiual beings having a human experience. The spirit that is meant to be born through you will....when the timing and the body is right for that spirit in whatever form that takes. Just because the body perished doesn't mean the spirit did as well. It just means the body wasn't right for that spirit at that time. That spirit is still connected to you...just waiting.

Denial—"I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me." Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of positions and individuals that will be left behind after death.

Anger—"Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.

Bargaining—"Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..." The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."

Depression—"I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

Acceptance—"It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

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DD- Born 18th August 2010

Silver with gold nipps

^Angel 1 at 8 weeks MMC^ was expected May 2013 *Angel 2 at 7 weeks MMC was expected September 2013*

Thank you ladies, again for the kind words! I haven't been on here much so I haven't been able to get back to you quickly.

Boobear- I think the spirit & body analogy is phenominal, that is the first thing that has made any sense to me and made me feel OK about loosing my 2 babies. It is the first time I felt strength behind me, it is the first time in along time I have felt like this was supposed to happen.

You ladies are all so strong, thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I feel like I just want all this to go away, I feel like I want to forget this ever happened but then again, I don't want to forget my angel...I am trying to find the middle.