My history includes a long relationship with bullies. I was always the weird kid. I was arty, sensitive ( which used to be a codeword for gay ) and I had an internal freedom that didn't quite understand the cynicism of the world. From the age of 8 to 16 I was picked on, beaten, harassed and ostracised. The trauma of these experiences was major component to the depression that ate up my twenties. It formed a part of me. I created a persona to survive it and found various, unhealthy expressions for the internalised rage it left me with. None of it was fun. I look back at the young man I was and I just want to cuddle him, cry for him and let him know that it's all going to be ok. I want him to know that even if things don't always “get better”, who you are certainly can. This time of my life left me with certain habits and skill sets that even to this day I am trying to unlearn. I use sadness as a way to stop myself fully showing up in my life. I pull away instinctively to anything that will shine a spotlight on me or my work. I check and then double check anything that I put out there into the world and I also have moments of absolute anxiety when it comes to my clients. The loud, pervasive, collective chanting of hatred towards me ( sometimes happening literally ) left it's mark.

That's why these days I can spot a bully at ten paces. I know how they work. I know how they think. I know the language they use to hide their coercion, abuse and cruelty. I also am learning and relearning what it takes to forgive them. To offer them the love they clearly are searching for. To do this, whilst also maintaining a rock solid boundary is difficult. It's weird, each time I feel crappy for a few days a bully will turn up in my periphery. It's normally not a client but usually a friend of a client who hasn't liked what I've had to say. Sometimes it's someone I thought was a friend, sometimes it's an acquaintance. Either way, the venom of that interaction hits me in a particular place and I'm left feeling bruised. I know of course that the bruise is there already and that's the unhealed energy that's attracting this interaction to me in the first place.When it happens I know that I am being called to heal myself at a deeper level and I know that I have to answer that call.

When one human being is cruel to another the trauma of that interaction is never going to feel great. You won't have control always over how you feel during the initial shock. You do however have complete control over how that impacts your life from that point on. You get to determine the legitimacy and the agency you give others within your own energy. I truly wish I had learned this when I was younger. You may have the power to hurt me for a minute but no one will have the power to keep me in a state of pain for a lifetime. I will cry, I will get angry, I will hurt, then I will forgive, I will try to find hope for a better energy, I will let go and I will learn to love you regardless.

Now, whilst my love is unconditional, my life certainly isn't.The second something on this level enters my life I do everything I can to block it out. I do my best to keep my boundaries firm. Cutting ties on social media, blocking numbers and if need be informing authorities. I keep that stuff pretty tight. If you attack me intentionally I will likely never speak to you again. If attack is the nature of who you are then I do all I can to avoid you. Either way, when that shows up I know that it's that old wound seeking healing. This retrograde has brought all of these issues about again and it hit me a little in the gut. There has been a bubble of chaos around me that I didn't quite get a handle on quick enough and then, it manifested.

I'm O.K. I know exactly what this is. Retrogrades bring old wounds to the surface for healing and this is something that I will do my best to work on again. It requires that I love myself more. Care for myself more and be more willing to surrender to any changes that might need to happen. I will pray for my healing. Pray for the people who choose to attack me. I will pray for the people who abuse my message to promote an idea of who they are to themselves. I will pray for those who intentionally repurpose the messages of spirit to serve themselves and I will pray for the people I didn't or can't serve.

Bullying is not ok, ever, but it can only be really transformed when we recognise that both the bully and the victim are broken.

My entire life is on the alter of the Universe and it's up to her right now to change/rearrange whatever needs to happen so that I can walk on this planet the best version of myself.

p.s. I just read this blog through and it feels a little heavy. I'm honestly fine, I was just made aware of a little meanness about me circulating and in the spirit of retrograde I thought I'd do a little internal inventory. I write things out of my system often and I thought you may be able to use pieces of what I'm healing in your own healing work!

I take a few hours each Sunday to get ready for my week ahead.I catch up with some writing, some admin, chase down clients and basically do some prep work for the coming week. I try my best to align my weeks goals with getting at least something done off my big list and I do my best to keep in routine. As a part of my preparing I also take a look at the energy of the week ahead. Tarot cards, candles, incense, I get myself in as good a receptive state as I can and look at what I feel is manifesting. This helps me to know what to put where. If the energy of the day feels a little abrasive I make sure to stick more rigidly to my mindfulness. If it's love centred I'll organise a date etc. Sometimes the energy I receive is very specific and sometimes it's more like a theme. Either way it's a great help to keeping a feeling of momentum in my life.

On Tuesday of this week we slip into this years first Mercury Retrograde ( insert Jaws theme tune ) and boy, it's an intense one.

I can feel the pull of it on my brain already. As I've said many times, good thing about retrograde is that it clears everything that needs clearing, bad thing about it is that it can and sometimes does knock you on your bum whilst it does it.I've come to see it as something similar to when your mum angrily cleaned your room when you were a kid. She just got sick of asking you to do it so she came in, did it all and didn't care if she threw out your favourite dinosaur toy that you never really got over and even now as an adult you collect dinosaurs and put them all over your house... sorry, personal stuff. But still, the effect is the same. You end up in a clean and organised space, even though you might feel like you've been emotionally smacked on the bum in the process.

The theme of this retrograde is centred on everything. Yes, everything. If you haven't cleared old love pain, expect to bump into ex's, hear things about them and feel like you've stepped back into an old way of living. If you're knowingly not in the job you want to be in, expect to shown, sacked, have confrontations with your boss and anything else the Universe needs to do to get you moving. Momentum. If I were to pick a word to describe what this retrograde is going to do it's to create momentum.The last few months have been energetically quite cerebral, planning, inching forward, keeping things slow and steady. As we enter spring, the Universal energy is going to help up leap frog into where we want to go.

To be honest I'm looking forward to it ( famous last words ). I've done really well in my fitness goals this year already but my writing and artwork has slipped a little. I'm still on chapter 4 of my book and although I've written 2 small picture book stories too I haven't really gotten my creative teeth into them. I know what I'm supposed to be doing, I KNOW, my intuition and everything else has been gearing me towards getting this book finished and I've also been receiving insights into the wounds that are slowing me down. It's all fear and past hurts, something I'm sure will be brought to the surface soon, but that's for another blog.

For now, I want you to prepare for a shift. Physical energy is heightened, emotionally energy is transforming and intuitive insight is unavoidable.Stay grounded in your spiritual practice to avoid anxiety and as always I'm here to help in any way that I can.

If you've been reading my weekly newsletters you'll know that I am making more of a concerted effort to “show up” both for myself and for you. It's not just about exercising, physical fitness and bringing some new spiritual practices, it's about me being more vulnerable and bringing my full heart to the table.It's definitely been changing my life in really profound and interesting ways. I knew it would make me face things that I'm afraid of and it has, but, I also knew that in acknowledging when I'm afraid and talking myself through it that I would find a way through. I feel like I am growing into my skin more. I am not slipping into old habits of disconnecting as much and I feel stronger and more centred. There are some wonderful benefits that I didn't expect too. I didn't expect to be a better psychic because of it or a better intuitive. I really do feel more and more connected. My mum says it's probably to do with my confidence improving and I think she's right. I'm just less scared to be scared.

I do wonder though about sharing too much.

There is a point, I believe, between being authentic and betraying your own sense of privacy. There are of course some things that I keep with me. Privacy is an almost strange idea today. We all see it on facebook and instagram all the time. Moments that I think should be private are leveraged to garner fame through outrage or pity. I personally cringe when people video themselves giving to charity or when they “promote” their illness/grief/angst in a way that's not asking for help. It really is a fine line and it's one that I am trying my best to be aware of. There's a point between self expression and self exploitation. I used to exploit who I was all the time. A need for validation and love lead mo down a path of complete energetic decimation. I offered out who I was at all times with no sense of boundary and of courseif you're willing to give, there will always be those willing to take.I am being selective over what I share and making sure that the stories I do give out are mine to tell.

Social media is about promotion.I think that if I didn't have a business to run I doubt I would be on it at all. Don't get me wrong I don't think it's a bad thing at all, as with everything that get's a bad reputation it's the mindset that uses it not the device itself. Before I click the send button on anything on my social media these days I consider what I am promoting. I am aware of the difference between honesty in the present moment and the truth behind it. There is a difference between creating awareness of a situation and an invitation to a pity party.The difference is always intention. What do you want to create when you hit that button? What is the content you are putting out into the world?

I hope to help legitimize for others, in some small way, that vulnerability is not weakness, nor does it need to come at the cost of your boundaries. I hope to act as a touchstone to remind anyone reading this that your power is your own and you can create a life that actually looks like you. I hope that whoever reads this understands that social media is a powerful thing but it is not more powerful that you. It can be a sword and shield, it can be a stepping stone or, it can be your undoing. We've all seen it happen but the good news is you get to choose. I'm choosing now. I'm choosing to be more present, more open, having stronger awareness of my boundaries whilst at the same time being less guarded.

My power is my own and yours is too. In many ways social media is a great way to begin to understand the laws of cause and effect. I am definitely looking at it differently. As this week goes on be mindful about what you are looking at on your phone. What are lending energy to? What is the intention behind the intention of your words ( not a typing error )? See if thinking this way changes what you say and who you say it to, it has for me.

As always I am grateful for you reading this and I invite you keep the conversation going either on this blog or wherever you feel drawn!

I've just stopped watching the news altogether. I can't say that it's because I'm too emotionally overwhelmed by all the horrors that are going on in humanity because I have a heart that can look into darkness. It doesn't frighten me...much. The reason I've stopped watching is because it's just not news any more. I like to have an informed opinion. I like to see both sides of every argument. I like to carefully consider what I feel about something and think about it in terms of the big picture. How does it line up with compassion? How does it help humanity as a whole? All I'm getting from every news source is shock value. It's everywhere. I see it a lot in entertainment. Shock value is perpetuated as a way to hide insecurity, lack of value and, if I'm honest, I think it's something that's lazy. Spiritually and morally lazy.

Aren't you bored of shock value yet? I certainly am. It's designed to provoke your fear just enough so that you give your power away. If youre afraid you're less likely to question. We react differently when we are scared. We think more short term, we become more selfish, we withdraw from community. We can all see it happening everywhere. The news has been reduced to the narrative ,”This is what might kill you today.”. I understand the biological programming of human beings to constantly assess threats but our poor adrenal glands must be shattered by now!

Unfortunately shock value works, financially speaking, and it has worked in that capacity for a long time. It works more powerfully on the emotionally disconnected because it offers a perverse form of connection itself. The adrenaline rush and rage can offer a feeling of temporary relief from any kind of dull or emotionally repressive existence. It's a way of feeling something, anything other than what you are currently experiencing. Therein lay the healing.

The more awake you are, the less you can be told what to feel. Your emotions, your power, your thoughts are your own. In a space of awakening you move beyond perpetual reactions and into a space of mindfully and compassionately being present in the world. Critical thinking, compassionate awareness are all you need to disarm a cultural narrative that is designed to do one thing, to breach your energy. We all give parts of ourselves away. We negotiate our dignity, our space and our money in the idea that we will be kept safe. But our cultural narrative doesn't want you to feel safe, it wants you to spend all your money.

I believe in the power of the individual and I also believe that no one can take from you what you are not willing to give away. So draw a line within yourself. Think beyond and through everything you've been told. Think beyond your own reaction and figure out why you're reacting that way. For so long in my life I was living a dream or an idea that was given to me. It wasn't until I crashed and burned that I realized that the dream wasn't even mine in the first place. I apply the same principles to my opinions, my thoughts, my ideals, my beliefs. When I run into something that pulls me into a reactive space I check myself for where I have negotiated my own integrity. I re align and I think about the most loving and compassionate thing I can do.

Shock value is much like shame politics. It lives on the principle that someone else gets to define your value. Only you get to decide what you are worth. No one gets to decide for you what or who you should be afraid of. Take your power back. Love regardless.

Well here I am fresh brained and ready to get back to work after a week away. It's been amazing to fully unwind and let my mind sink into the world around me for a little bit but, as always, if I spend too much time away from my work it starts to creep into my day to day. Psychic energy is not benign. Much like creativity if it goes unused it starts to spread out into all other areas of your life. If I haven't done readings in a while I stop sleeping properly and I start to pick up on random stuff. Dream sharing is a common thing for me during times off. I normally share Stuarts dreams ( Yes I literally have the same dreams as him ) but I have been known at points to pick up on neighbours and close friends. Thankfully though I am back and ready to exercize that part of my brain again with another full week of readings.

I love to bookend my day with a small spiritual practice. I love burning incense or sage. Most nights I light a candle before bed. I see it as a place to connect with myself and to set an intention to invite joy into my life. With more free time this last week I've been delighted to reconnect with that practice on a deeper level. Like most people I can switch into a space of mindless repetition. I truly think that habit is a super power but having an awareness to see around it is also useful.

January is always a tricky month. First you spend time getting over the festive season and because I always take a week off at the end, putting in a new routine never really takes full effect until February although, my dedication this year to creating a better relationship with my body has gotten off to a great start. I've lost 12lbs already and more importantly I feel fitter, stronger and through calorie counting I've stopped mindlessly eating. Just being aware of what I put in my body on a day to day basis through logging it on an app is helping me. My other goals, not so much. Writing has completely stopped as has the picture book. I gave myself a small “daily draw” challenge and instead of seeing it as a warm up I threw WAY too much time and energy at it at the expense of everything else I wanted to do. I am talking about it here so that I can remain accountable to myself. A personal trainer is keeping me accountable on my physical goals but I'm having trouble finding a creative equivalent! Any ideas?

I do think this last month I noticed I indulged in a small element of self saboutage to my goals. The momentum of who I was is still actively manifesting in my life on my journey to who I am becoming. I have to grow who I was into who I am now and fear is the labour pain of that transition. I was talking about this with Stu earlier, just because I have made a decision to create a better, and by better I mean more mindful, authentic and emotionally present, life for myself doesn't mean that some of the fear based energy that's been lingering for a while still isn't bringing it's own momentum.

I am focused on growth and as one month ends and another begins it's a perfect time to reaffirm and keep myself in check. I offer this out to you too. If you've already gone off course, don't worry, you have a whole new month to play with the theme of the year you want to have. I do have very physical goals that I want to achieve, books published, fitter body, more authentic art practice etc but, what I am more focused on is the person I need to grow into so that all of those things can be created. I am actively participating in creating an elevated version of myself. That's the real goal.

I always have to wrestle with the feelings of being behind in life. It's like I'm constantly on catch up with every project that I do. When I write I wonder why I didn't start doing it years ago. When I play piano I wonder why I never got proper lessons and stuck to them. When I review my spiritual business I wonder why I don't commit all of my time to it. I learned the negative habit a long time ago of using pain to motivate myself to move forward. Moons ago I noticed that when I was in crisis I would be more productive which, people normally are in order to stay distracted from pain and that in itself is something that I've repeated. I didn't understand the destructive power of ego, habit and just how off course I could take myself by sticking only to what I know about pain. Then once I'd begun the process of healing myself the habits I developed around pain became their own problem.

Feeling behind implies there's a destination. A destination implies that there's a journey. A journey implies that there's a beginning, a middle and an end. We know that the physical, human reality we experience is only a part of our spiritual truth. We know that we are one giant moment expressing and experiencing itself. Ever abundant joy is the nature of our momentum. Still, come Sunday evening when I sit down to prepare for my week ahead there is always a slight cringing, shame filled tinge that I “should” be doing “better” at my life.

Part of the reason I feel this is because of some of the roles imposed on my gender. The culture of men, amongst men demands certainty, status and a work ethic that is often sociopathic. I would call it toxic masculinity but that would imply that there's something positive about masculinity at all. I make a real distinction these days between the performance of masculinity and the heart of a man. Still, as much as I have un ravelled it psychologically and spiritually I still acclimated to all of these narratives. The more my life is growing and becoming a healthier version of itself, the more I step out of my older survival based mentality and into a more thriving connectivity. It's in this growth that these old ideas show up.

If I follow all of these old ideas to their conclusions and I apply them to my life right now then all they serve is to make me feel like a failure. There is no greater knife in a mans spiritual belly than the idea that he is a failure, not just that he has failed but that he is a failure. I felt this myself for years because I held myself hostage to an idea of masculinity that was nothing to do with the man that I am. The more I let masculinity go, the more I recognised the points in my life where who I was wasn't going to help me at all in who I'm becoming. Even so, before I started writing this blog post that old voice turned up telling me to write “better”, “do more” and many other variations of “Not good enoughs.”. I thanked that voice and kindly told it that it was no longer needed. I am brave enough now to allow inspiration to carry me forward, I am courageous enough to allow love for myself to be what shifts my butt. When I rely on the template of pain to motivate me I end up like a hamster on a wheel. When I am brave enough to be inspired I move and a whole Universe moves with me.

I can only really fail at a project or a goal if I choose not to learn from it but, I, myself can never be a failure. No human being can. I cannot be behind in life because there is no behind. There is also no start and no finish. Life is not a race, it's a dance floor.

Now, you my lovely, yes you, reading this. Do yourself a favour this week and instead of judging where you are, who you are and what you need to do, put all the demands of your life for a minute and boogie!

I've been feeling the call of my old practices again lately. It seems that this latest expression of who I am becoming is also including picking up pieces of who I was. As always the Universe asks you to look over your shoulder before you move forward. My connection to the earth and planet consciousness was always something I found incredibly enriching as a young person. Just knowing that as I look into the world that it is looking back was something that helped me feel like I was a part of something bigger than myself. When, through meditations, personal rituals and a little internal alchemy I found I could align myself with this energy and awaken to it I discovered that it could change a lot for me. In broader terms it was an introduction into manifestation. The short hand would be to understand that planet earth is it's own consciousness.

I do really believe that the earth has it's own awareness and it's own magic. Part of that magic is gifted to everything that exists within it and on it, including us. That magic allows you to align with the love that is the nucleus of all creation. The thing about your own magic, and we all have some, is that it is like a river flowing through you. You can't change the course of the river, you can only surrender to your own personal power. See that little nugget of magic like a key to open a door into the Universe by opening a door to your inner universe. For me it's a deeper and richer understanding of how deeply your internal world and your external one are the same.

Now, I'm not about to go sign up to Hogwarts or anything but I am working on my personal transformations in a different way. I am reconnecting with my internal landscape in a more symbolic and creative way. It's like using the creative canvas of my mind for intentional, intersectional healing between aspects of myself that are treated as if they are complete people.

I know that sounds a little crazy and well, probably a little heavy for a Monday morning but it's been helping so why not! It may sound as if I am advocating a willing type of multiple personality disorder but I think of it more like a multiple personality meditation. Give a name, an actual name to an aspect of who you are. Maybe your inner saboteur, your victim self, your fearful self and make the name whatever you want it to be. It can be as serious or as ridiculous as you want it to be. I acknowledge that it is a sacred practice for me but that doesn't mean that it can't be a fun one too. It's renewed a small passion for looking under the hood and seeing what's lurking in the corners of my mind and to top it off it feels like a refreshed and creative approach to a richer inner dialogue.

Now I know I already hear enough voices and this isn't just another way for me to listen in on more but I've found that playing in this area, with identity, persona, that it has helped me become more enriched. Try this in meditation, try it in your journals, try it in your own rituals. The method isn't that important, the symbols of what you do within it are. Sometimes using your mind in this way can help you claim something you didn't know needed to be claimed. This is a method you can use to actualize something within your mind that may be acting undefinable. I've only recently connected with this again and it's starting to change how I view my own internal work. It's helping me to embody the energies of the things I am creating and I am feeling wonderful.

For instance, what would you name the most magical aspect of yourself? How would they walk? How would they talk? What thoughts would they think? Be playful and light about it. Treat it like a guided meditation and see what crops up! Unfortunately my magic is nothing to do with wands, magic schools and there's not a sorting hat in sight. It's just another lens through which I get to play with and express love. What is your magic?

Here we go head first into another year and I have to say I feel excited, connected, eager, a little anxious but as always filled with the love and compassion that the last year taught me. I am not who I was a year ago, that's for sure. Me and Stu are the not the couple we were last year. We have grown deeper into our connection and we are both blossoming in wonderful and new directions. I am eager to see what new adventures we go on this year, to be honest everything feels like an adventure when he's with me. BUT, soppyness aside, let's get back to blogging shall we?! I know I totally dropped off the blogging map last year and that was for a few reasons. The main one was engagement. People just stopped reading and I'm not talking just a few readers, like almost everyone. I could blame facebook algorithms and all that stuff but I feel it was the hand of the Universe at play. A mixture of me needing a break, my attention being elsewhere and me getting too much into my head space about being “effective” shifted my focus and I got a little lost in my own thoughts. I think because so much was going on in my life too the Universe stepped in and slowed everything around me down until I got clear. It's weird though isn't it how often we fight against the redirection of the Universe?

As I spoke about in my mailing list ( if you haven't subscribed....*cough* ) last years energy felt like it was all about a stripping away of the inessential. This year I can already feel a huge shift in the paradigm of my foundations. There is so much light and energy present that I am almost finding it hard to sit still. The problem this year for me is going to be focus, that much I know. The energy that has been building in the Universe for a while now has started to pour furiously into and through my life and I know that the challenges I face are going to be centered around staying clear and not burning out. I feel that's going to be the same for many of you too, especially the spiritually sensitive amongst you. You can all tap into that energy at any point in time, just remember to have fun with it. So what are your plans for the year? Personally I am going to finish off that book I've been writing for years, I'm also working on making my art more accessible and also finishing off a picture book I've been working on for even longer. I feel a real need to complete everything that I've already started already which, is a goal in itself. My main priority though is to live more openly and more authentically. This for me starts with building a better relationship with my body.

I stress ate for a fair chunk of last year and my muffin top is not impressed. I felt frumpy and heavy and lost a lot of confidence. This year I am demanding better from myself. I made a promise to myself a long time ago to align my life with the standard of love and that sometimes requires looking into and through the feelings that don't feel so good. I've done it. I know where I am now and I'm making active, authentic movements towards a stronger mind body alignment. I've already started with a personal trainer and I'm on a diet that doesn't feel like it's killing my will to live. I've made the commitment to stick with training for this for a year and given myself full licence to put everything else to one side if my relationship with my body requires it. A deep clean of the temple of the soul comes first right now and that's just that. I think it really helps to have plenty of goals and ideas, especially if your personality type is like mine, but, it also helps to have that one thing. That one established principle that you want to initiate in your life. I don't care about how other people view my body, what I'm changing is how it feels to me. I'm creating a more mindful connection. I'm creating more movement. I'm going to find a local yoga class soon so that my practice is challenged more. I know it's all simple really, eat less crap, move more but accountability is definitely something that will hold me more to my plans at the moment. I will share with you as I go along this process of realignment and re calibrating but, I also invite you to ask me questions on it too. If you have any advice or information, if you know any good classes locally I'm open to trying all of it.

So, what about you? What did you learn last year that you can put into practice this year? What connections do you want to build on or create this year? What do you want to make in the world? Whatever you are doing take the time to claim it. Make it yours. Breathe it in and let the light of the Universe infuse with it, and you so that you can jump into this fast moving stream.

You deserve the best that life has to offer and even more so, you deserve to give it to yourself.

As we swing into another mercury retrograde it seems like the perfect time for us to have a little chat about pain bodies. I spoke about them a little while ago in my mailing list and I talked about how, through prayer, I was able to release a pain body. Since then I've watched my energy rise to a different level. Now a pain body is kind of like a collective of all spiritual and emotional aches and pains that through time have actually started to work within you as almost a seperate persona. It's when a “mood” is more than a mood. It's when an attitude rules you instead of vice versa. Sometimes they are formed by deep trauma and sometimes they are inherited. In the same way that beliefs are mimicked by children, they can also create their own version of your pain bodies as they grow. Think of it as it's own energetic set point. Like it's own magnet working within you, manifesting everything on it's level. For instance, I had a very traumatic break up many years ago and within it, it carried the building blocks of some wonderful transformations. Instead the trauma of that pain “locked” itself within my energy. It stayed with me for years. It was like walking around whilst still carrying the energy imprint of who I was when it the trauma happened.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking in a way that you used to years ago? Have you ever been drawn to a fashion or a music that you have long grown out of? Does your body feel heavy? Does your mind feel clouded? Do you always feel like you can't quite shift a piece of your past? Does it feel like no matter where you go or what you do something in your experience is always connected to your past? I actually ended up dating ( for a very short while ) the ex fiance of the person I broke up with. That's how effective one of my pain bodies was at manifesting. Even though I had learned so many lessons and was beginning to move beyond the pain of the trauma of the break up the energy body of who I was from that time was alive and kicking. My friends at the time would even joke about it, that as soon as I got happy something would show up to remind me I was broken up with many years ago. Noticing it was the first step. Finding humour in it was the second but for me, the day I learned how to surrender it was freeing.

There is a certain glamour in pain. An entitlement that comes from unexpressed rage. Letting go of a pain body means no longer allowing yourself to feel sorry for yourself. The victim mindset was comfortable to me at the time and letting it go was unnerving. Happy, blissful but also like losing a part of you that had been there for a long time. It was in it's own way it's own break up. I had to break up with my own sadness. A system of energy work, prayer and ritual helped me the first time. I lit candles, I moved my own energy around and I surrendered myself to my guides and my angels and I watched as they took the pain body literally out of my energy system. It was a bizarre experience but one that I wish I had done sooner. You don't need to be a psychic to free yourself of a pain body. The only difference between me and someone who doesn't have my sensitivity is that I witnessed what was happening as it was happening. A personalised ritual, an awareness of what you want to happen and a willingness to surrender to the process is all you need to free yourself. Pray, ask and then surrender and see what moves through you.

I hope that helped and I am of course open to more questions. If this retrograde keeps bringing up a familiar theme pray on some of the things I have spoken about. It may just be an old belief, a lingering thought, an unhealed trauma or it could be a pain body, a collection of many of these acting like it's own energy system within yours.

As I sit here with the rain lashing at my windows and Oscar snoozing next to me my mind is drifting over ideas of inspiration. I sometimes feel like I am haunted by it. Idea after idea floods my mind and I feel like I am 5 artists and 3 psychics living in one body. In order to get anything done I have to listen to whatever idea seems to be “shouting” the loudest and I follow that. When all the ideas seem to be equally as noisy I pick the one that seems most practical. Working as a psychic and being an artist are way more similar than I at first thought. Both require you to connect to a vision bigger than yourself and surrender to it completely. For years I thought I had “choose” from my myriad of passions and push one thing and one thing only. I wish I'd had someone older and wiser around me at the time to let me know that I didn't have to. I wish someone would have told me that all artists are covert mystics. Inpiration is it's own energy and I totally agree with the idea that ideas thmselves are their own entities. Like spirits waiting to incarnate, ideas choose artists to give birth to them. I use the meditation of painting to get ideas in the same way as I use traditional meditation to be more aware of spirits. It's a beautiful process and one that I am sinking deeper into the older I get.

The biggest threat to my creativity has been the idea of competition. I have picked up too many bad habits in my time on the planet and this one has taken me the longest to disarm. It's been the gateway to jealousy, self loathing and me treating myself carelessly. Competition is a projected heirarchy. It forces you to pit yourself against others and quantify your self worth. The plus side of this experience is that it definitely shows you where your boundaries lay but I think the negatives outweigh the positives by a mile. Ambition is different. Ambition asks that you be the best version of yourself with the term “best” being defined as your most authentic self. By nature I am quite ambitious but I languaged it to myself through the prism of competiton. I still catch myself in these old habits now and again. When I find myself more concerned with how someone else is doing or when I have more of an emotional connection to someone else's success than I do my own then I know I'm knee deep in a competative ego headspace. That's when I put down whatever I'm doing and I journal, play in a sketchbook, meditate or exercize for a bit. I do what I can to ground myself.

Because competition is a product of ego it is dominantly head spaced whereas ambition, because it is rooted in authenticity, is heart spaced. To pull myself back to centre within my work I ask myself , “Am I telling MY story?”. Is what I am doing an authentic expression of who I am in this moment or, am I trying to prove something to someone somewhere on the planet. Ever caught yourself trying to win an argument that happened ten years ago? That's competition. It's important to ask yourself what your story is because that will define the trajectory of your life. Many people will have many stories about you but it's the one you tell yourself about who you that has the real power in your life. Whether you are making art, starting a business or reinvesting in your education, CHECK YOUR MOTIVES for doing so. Make sure that you are living your life for you and that ideas of toxic competition aren't a part of your choice. Remember, you manifest your own life and you get what you put out there in the world. Leave other people out of that conversation and keep it between you and your universe.

The moon pierced the windows of my hotel room and Stuart was attempting to snore next to me. I wasn't tired, after a long day of being sat by the pool, sipping cocktails and eating whatever I wanted this holiday was doing exactly what I needed it to do. There is a difference between no longer being exhausted and actually being rested and that's what I could feel happening to my body. I never thought we'd be the couple that goes to the same place every year but this year I needed the greek sand under my feet and the greek sun on my face. Maybe it's because I have family history there, I'm not really sure but, the second I step off that plane into Greece I feel like I'm home. I could feel my body unwinding piece by piece and starting to repair. I got up from the bed and made myself a small cuppa ( emphasis on small, next year I'm taking a giant mug for my tea ) then sat on the balcony in full view of the moon. All I could hear was the sound of the ocean loudly beating the rocks and the chirping of bats hunting for their nightly meal. I sipped my tea as the light of the moon pierced my skin and a deep feeling of safety became awakened. It was almost as if I heard my soul speak to me and it was reminding me of a truth that I needed reminding of. I am safe. I am loved. I am divine.

I let go in that moment and I felt a shift in my energy. If I'm honest I had no idea exactly what I was letting go of but I could feel healing spirits doing their work on me. Releasing a pain body, an old idea, the stress I've held onto in the corners of my life over the last few years, whatever it was I exhaled deeply and for the first time in months I could properly hear myself think. From that point on an awareness of ease slowly made it's way not only back to the surface of my mind but I watched as it slowly became my dominant feeling. I know that holidays are designed for this. They are meant to help you relax and disconnect for a while but the exact opposite was happening to me. I felt like the quiet of the place rekindle a deeper awareness of my inner voice. The trick is now, of course, to make sure that remains now that I'm back. I do think though that the awareness of that shift will be enough. I feel like I am less at the mercy of others energy and more interested in the shifts that are happening around my life. I feel truly wealthy and blessed.

I think we all have places in the world where we reset. Thankfully one of mine is Swansea Bay. No matter what time of year it is if I feel too cluttered then I pop down with some coffee or hot chocolate and sit on the big steps and not think for a minute. Now that I live even closer to the beach I have been going down less, taking it for granted maybe? Well this trip was a little nudge to remind me not to do that any more. I know we can't all pop off to sunny lands every time we feel a bit “brain-busy” but that's what makes me grateful that we live in such a beautiful part of the world. So many beaches, woods, trees right on our doorstep and so often we forget to visit nature and in doing so we forget to let ature visit us. What places in our little city are special to you? Where do you go to clear your mind? Share them and maybe I can discover more places to visit. I know everything ultimitely exists within us and that we don't need to go anywhere to access a feeling but, sometimes a small break in routine can be enough to remind us of something that we have been over looking. For me, it's been a wonderful reminder of one of the many fundamental truths that I build my life on. What might it be for you?

Ideas are a part of the foundation of who and what we are. Life itself is said to be an idea in the mind of God. We are living dreams playing at the idea of being dreamers too. We are everything and nothing at all. That is a fundamental priciple of the Universe. A truth that can never really be tested only experienced. We have been raised to believe that the tapestry of truth is binary. We are told that we are either telling the truth or that we are lying but, as we are culturally seeing, there are many truths and they are all real to the person who holds them. A truth is different from a belief, a belief is different from an idea. For me, I've been revisiting old ideas recently, things that have grown into beliefs and even personal truths. It's fascinating watching a whole narrative play out within your own mind and unravelling it is taking me back to a time where I felt more freedom to choose. It's like rediscovering that you are wonderful, perfect, beautiful and have always been that way but the ideas of wonder, beauty and perfection that have been given to you just don't match their truest essence. Do you remember a time when you wondered at everything? When was the last time you truly stood in awe at the world around you? When was the last time you felt truly beautiful? Not just in how you look but in every corner of your soul. We all felt that free when we were young. We knew our power, we knew our beauty, we knew our courage, our strength and we knew that the world was a giant playground. Then, we all made the mistake of growing up.

Well, how about we dont? I am not advocating that you throw away all of your responsibilites and just find a sand pit and stay there ( however tempting that may be ) but, how about we start playing with those ideas again? Play for play's sake. Make laughter your spiritual practice. We all seem to be living in a cycle of being triggered into participating in giving away our energy to systems and ideas that don't serve us. So how about we stop doing that? Stop engaging in echo chambers and arguments and instead start working towards solutions. We've been duped into believeing that an act of self branding is a form of activism. I see it everywhere and it's just another way for you to pour your energy into something that will never bare fruit. Take your power back. Watch what you say and be mindful of why you are saying it. So much malice is often hidden behind the words of “I'm just being honest.”. Keep your mouth out of other people's lives and business but keep your heart in their growth and their light. You are here to play in the boundaries of your own soul and bring that special frequency to the planet. You are not here to emulate or immitate anyone else's. Your wonder is yours. Your beauty is yours. Your laughter is yours.

So what does this look like on a day to day basis? I'ts easy to ponder these ideas but how can we apply them in a practical manner to our day to day lives? My answer is to start by becoming fully invested in your joy. Ask yourself the big questions. Ask yourself introspective questions. Find out what your priorities are for you. What do you need not just to function but to thrive? What do you want? What did you want to be when you grew up? What advice would you give to your 15 year old self? When you stand alone, who are you? Find a way of making money that doesn't cost you your dignity. If you choose to be coupled with another human being at least make sure it's a union that lifts you up. Your friendships should bring you clarity not confusion. Take consistent but small steps towards the things that matter for you. There is no quick fix, its a long process but that doesn't mean it isn't a fun one. Strip yourself layer by layer of everything that's expected of you and remind yourself of what you expect of yourself. Remind yourself that you had an idea about what your life could be, revisit that and see what precious gems it holds.

I haven't written a blog in a few weeks. I've just been taking the time to realign my energy and put myself back in sync. I've not been down or depressed or anything and I'm not depleted either but, I also have no desire to be in that state so I gave myself a few weeks off writing. I'm back to it now and am starting to feel a bit more energised. I've been doing a 100 day challenge all based in self care and appropriate routines recently which has helped me to keep a more watchful eye on how I treat myself. A big part of this current challenge has centred me around intuitive thinking and action whilst also holding myself to account through journalling. I do most of these things anyway but during a challenge like this I always try to stick more rigidly to the themes I have chosen. So, with self care at the top of the pyramid for this 100 days when I need time to look after myself I have to do it. There are times when self care slips away from us and we have to knuckle down to get a job done. I think this is fine so long as it doesn't become a way of life. Looking after the light that you are is a great set point for your life and creating habits that keep you turned in that direction will help you to feel more clear.

Habits are your superpower, choose them wisely. A study said that it takes 21 days for most human beings to create a new habit which is something that's never really worked for me. Anything I've done for 21 days has never stuck, for me it making it into a 100 day challenge not only creates the habit but also tests it against the rhythm of your life. We can all make room for a 21 day challenge or new habit but making it last for 3 months seems to hold it up against the lumps and bumps of your life. You will fall off the wagon, your self care routine, your intuition might need you to stop what you are doing for a while. There may be a very good reason for you not to be doing something right now. I've done writing challenges, music challenges, art ones too and the month long ones tend to be fun. Sometimes I've had great success, sometimes something has happened in my life which has knocked me off my routine and done it with a very good reason. Once done, I check in with myself and my intuition to see if it's O.K for me to start again.

We all have habits. The problem is that so many of us have habits that go directly against the things we are reaching for. Sometimes habits of thought are so focussed on work that we can't enjoy time off. Sometimes habits of eating, exercize, identifying with illness, chaos, we've gotten used to so much, so often that it goes unnoticed. Until we are ready for something better. Recognising you have a bad habit is actually a good thing because it's a sign that your energy has outgrown it. Now all you need to do is choose something better. Try your own 100 day challenge and choose something to do every day, an affirmation, a creative hobby, a meditation practice, a healthy eating plan. Try it out and see what helps you. You may not do it for a few days, you may drop in and out but the more you try to stick to it the more you are likely to sit there in 3 months time with a new addition to your lifestyle. Why not try a 100 day challenge based around positive thinking? Find the best part of your day and journal about it before bed. It's helped me a lot in the past and I return to it often. Your habits are shaping your life whether you want them to or not, so, as a gift to yourself, examine them and make them work for you!

The galloping breeze washed over my body as the heat lay thick in the air. The dull ache in my arms and chest from sweating, being uncomfortable and not sleeping seemed to have it's own rhythm and each beat of that drum tired me even more. It's safe to say I am not equipped for the heat. Still there is work to do, spirits to connect with, stories to write, paintings to paint so I pull my body upright and decide to go for a coffee. Fatigue lead me to a mopey, feeling sorry for myself kind of place that is so stupid it's hilarious. The jolt as I drink the coffee is the only welcome warm I feel and as I walk back home something in the sky catches my eye. A white feather flew directly into my palm. I can't help but have a small giggle to myself and I snap out my little funk immediately. The sky seems a little brighter, the clouds a little more playful and the excitable momentum is back in my belly. My shoulders broaden, my neck relaxes and practically waltz back home to get my day officially under way. When you practice a good feeling space daily, it seems like the Universe will fall over itself to keep you there.

I remember when I first really understood that I could choose how I felt about anything. That no matter what was happening around me I had the power, through pure choice to find the best part of that experience and stay there. If what was happening was too much then I also had the power to use my imagination to take me somewhere else completely. My mind has always been a creative playground but, using it in this way was a light bulb moment. The more I used my mind to help me stay in a good feeling space the more good feeling things kept turning up in my life. That's not to say that I don't have challenges, or that some days I still don't wake up feeling like crap for no reason but, during those days I follow my mind to the best feeling place I can get to and I do my best to stay there. This keeps me relatively clear and focussed plus, with a few lists in there I stay productive too! Now that this retrograde has hit and hit many of us hard it's a great time to remember the power you have to make the best of what's happening. As this deep cleanse hits our minds remember that it is still your mind.

I've noticed old hurts, old regrets, flashes of old habits have been leaking into my experience so now more than ever I stick to my routine. I have put reminders into my daily schedule to make sure that I stay as “woke” as I can be to the power inside all of us. I also like to make use of retrogrades as a way to upgrade my self care. With all that “inner” cleaning happening why not give it a helping hand?! Remember that the chaos of a retrograde only really engages in a destructive way when you fight against it. It's a natural reaction to reach for what's being taken from you but, some things are worth losing. Just breathe and let go. Breathe and let go. What you focus on you bring the energetic equivalent of it into your experience. So if during this time some uncomfortable things turn up, and it's likely that they will, acknowledge them for the teachers that they are but understand that they are passing through. Say hi, but keep on going and remember, you have the power to change the energy within your own body, always.

In the next ten days a mercury retrograde comes back into our lives and we sink head first into another healing phaze. Now at the end of this week I will be officially on holidays so I wont be able to guide you for the first part but as we all know by now retrogrades are phazes of deep healing. They bring to the surface anything that needs resolving or sometimes it just empties out what is no longer necessary and for some reason, we seem to be more energetically aware of the cleansing in this period. With this in mind I think some prep time is a good idea to get everything in place ready to be emptied and maybe even begin that process a little early so that we can sail through it a little easier. Now because of the emptying out process communication is always interrupted during these times and our capacity to make sense of our own thoughts is a little slowed. Don't panic, NOW is the time to make a start on any improvements to your meditation routine. I like to do my meditation straight after morning yoga but recently Stu has taken up meditating and is putting me to shame! I swear he does it 3 times a day now. Whenever he feels slightly out of balance he chucks his headphones on, listens to some soothing music for 15 minutes and gets centred again! So I think I may commit to an evening meditation too. The more silent my mind is the clearer the platform is for the Universe to work through me.

Improve your grounding, which for me means exercize. Anything that takes you out of your head and into the space of your body. Yoga, walking, dance, love making, tai chi, whatever gets you into the space of experiencing your physical body. I actually love cardio. I put some music on, slip into a dreamstate and 40 minutes later I'm sweating from my knees amd picking my lungs up off the crosstrainer...and I love it. My job is cerebral, my hobbies are creative and my downtime is basically reading books or playing in sketchbooks so the more crazy and intense my grounding routine the better. I used to love the gym and I still might go back at some point, if I can find the right space with the right trainer but for the next few weeks I'm looking at improving my grounding by adding weights to my routine and also adding more yoga. What small action could you take to improve your grounding? Remember when it comes to this stuff that I find it best to find something that you can do daily in the space of 20 minutes and then let it build from there.

The third part of my preparation is connection, which is basically improving community and working on creative projects that make me laugh or excite me. Being more open, saying “yes” more and using my downtime to lift me is something that I find helps keep me in a space of growth. As mercury retrograde clears everything out having people to talk to, reflect with and something that makes you giggle I think is invaluable. Now I know that I do have the capacity to lock myself away in my home and it's easy to get too tired to meet up with friends but a concerted effort to ensure that happens more would be perfect. On top of that I've been playing with the idea of making a small comic strip for a while and I always smile when I think of it so now might be a good time to dig in. Its nothing more really than an extension of my visual diary but it's a fun project that is not work related so why not! Do you have a project, a book, an artistic skill, a musical idea, a craft idea, anything that makes you smile at the thought of it? Now is the time to start actively playing with it. Prepare your energy for the cleansing so that once it's done you can raise yourself higher and go further and dig deeper than you would have been able to before.

The heat laid itself heavy in the air of my bedroom this morning and as I got up I felt like I was walking through treacle. It seems no matter how many showers you take during this heat within seconds you are back to being sticky! You'd have thought my greek blood would have kicked in but no, I melt and become completely inactive. I've always been more of a winter or an autumn person. I love nothing more than curling up next to a fire as the bitter winds and listening to the rain lashing down on the streets outside. Candles during dark days and incense in a quiet house is perfect for me. Still, this heavy heat lends itself to kind of a perfect Sunday. I spend most of my Sundays planning, writing, organising and getting everything ready for the week ahead. I have a bullet journal, an ordinary journal and I spend time in meditation looking at the kinds of energies that are creating themselves in the week ahead. Even though I'm not always the best at reading for myself I do pick up energy shifts and I can feel a few that are manifesting for me. I'm not sure of what they are yet but I definitely feel like some room is being made in my life for something and I'm excited to see what it is.

I think planning your week ahead is the best thing to do to ensure that you make time for the things you want to do and the self care that keeps you centred. I put everything on my list and try to put it in the order I think I am going to be able to do it in. Everything from morning routines, cardio, of course my business obligations, my creative business and I also do what I can to schedule hobbies and down time. If it goes on my list I aim to do it. I also have an addendum on my list that states that I am allowed to throw the whole thing away, change everything if I need to if my self care demands it. I know that I have that freedom and I really don't take it for granted. I don't have children or a large family that's predominantly in my life so I get to relax when I choose and I'm careful to try and not sound like I am making these statements on a whim. This is just what works for me. I think that a dream stays a dream until it has a plan. My dreams right now include making as much art as I can fit in around my schedule and recommitting to my writing. The art is working out well, the writing not so much. I feel like I am working up the headspace of getting my books done but something is not quite in sync yet. Maybe that's the thing that I am making room for, inspiration?

If you are like me, getting something down on paper makes it more real. I can look at it objectively and make small changes where I need to. This is why I journal. Once my thoughts are in front of me I can sometimes see more clearly what I am thinking. That's why my Sundays are so important for me, I need that time with my thoughts. I know not all of you get a whole day, but sometimes an hour to sit and write, create, doodle and PLAN can be enough to get your energy engaged with the Universe in a whole new way. Sometimes I just write lists of my ideas, sometimes I write lists of places that I want to visit, things I want to do with Stu and once it's written I can gage how much I actually want to do it and my rule of thumbs is that if I love it then I have to move towards it. At the end of each day I also take some time with a cuppa to review my lists, to see what I got done, to see where I was maybe pushing myself too far and to maybe see where I wasn't pushing myself hard enough. Sometimes the Universe helps you by giving you a kick up the bum, sometimes it helps you by stopping you in your tracks either way turning one of your dreams into a plan is a wonderful way to engage. Try it for 3 months and see if it helps.

Written into everything we are is the language of our soul. It isn't verbal and yet it is also in every word we speak. Intuition is often written off as something small and insignificant right up until the moment it can save your life or recreate it. I do have a pretty good sense of intuition and I think it has helped me out in a lot of cases. It still happens these days where I muddle the difference between my intuitive voice and my brain chatter and no matter how skilled you get at listening you will always have to work alongside the narrative based language of the ego. There are intuition workshops, videos, books and courses, pretty much everything you need to learn how to know what you already know. I know, it sounds heavy right? What if it didn't have to be? What if, instead of putting so much weight on your shoulders to “find” your intuitive voice you just put that to one side for a moment and instead learned to listen to your excitement? Yes, it can be that easy. Your excitement is the beginning place of opportunity within your own mind. It is there that you are willing to play again like you did when you were a child and it is there, in that space of opportunity where intuition can be more easily and readily accessed.

When we are excited about something our intuition naturally surges. It is almost the feeling place of where the intuitive voice and brain chatter meet. I've recommitted a lot lately to meditation and yoga practices and whilst they really do help I am starting to feel like there is an extra component to my practice that needs working on. It's excitement. So what excites me right now? What tickles my fancy? Well, the idea of finishing my books, the idea of creating more art, music, connecting in a more uplifting way with you, travel, adventures with Stu, meeting new people and making new friends and being an uplifter. These are the thoughts and ideas right now that when I hang around them a little, I connect to being excited. It's going to be fun to see how this practice impacts my life and I shall be tracking it over the next 100 days. Yes, I am doing another 100 day challenge! For no other reason than to play with the Universe and maybe refine some of my practices and thoughts I feel called to create something within myself again. To uplift my energy to a new place and it's going to be interesting to see what that new energy will call towards me.

So the question now becomes what excites you? Try and find ideas that keep you in a place of feeling eager. If you love thinking of holidays but get bogged down with the practicalities of finances then that's not the thought for you. What can you think about or engage with that naturally makes you feel excitable? It may be that you haven't felt that for years, it may be that you haven't given yourself anything to look forward to in a while and you actually have to do anything right this minute other than find a thought that feels good. Find a thought that makes you smile. Properly smile ( and also, don't feel guilty if that thought isn't your kids, we all know you love them but we also all know they can be little buggers! ). Think of something completely for you. Just for you. Once you hang around that space enough the energy will kick in and as soon as it does your intuition will engage in a more pragmatic way and start working with you. Think of excitement as a little bit of a hearing aid for intuition. It's a lens through which you can hear yourself better. You don't have to do it for 100 days, but try if for a month and see if it helps! It's already helping me!

I totally get it. You get up, run through your morning routine, get the family ready and before you know it you're either in work running around or up to your eyeballs in house work. This is pretty much a regular day with me at the moment and even though I love my what I do and what I have that doesn't mean the routine of it doesn't sometimes get a little boring. There were times in my past when I was stuck in jobs working for other people when boriing became a way of being on the never ending tread mill of my daily life. I find a wonderful security in routine but I am fully aware that there is also the risk of falling into a “groundhog day” situation. With all the transitional energy in the air at the moment actively helping us out we might as well make use of it to add the bit of flavour to our day that some of you might need. Yes, if you've been feeling uncomfortable in work recently that's because purpose based energy has been receiving a call to upgrade itself. So if you've been finding yourself feeling a little lustless or aimless even in the middle of all of this wonderful weather then be glad to know you've done nothing wrong. You're just getting an invitation. The question is, are you going to accept it?

If the answer is yes, and I would imagine if you are reading this blog then that's probably the case then I do have some good news. The only real task you have right now is to work within your own mind to find your favourite thing about what you are doing and mentally/energetically hang around there. What is your favourite thing about nursing? About teaching? About business studies? About property development? Really find an emotional connection to the most favourite thing about your job and then use that as a mantra. If there really is nothing about your job that you like then the favourite thing might be the ability it gives you to provide for yourself. If you are looking for work then your favourite thing about the search might be the opportunities you are reaching for, or the room it gives you to land on something that you really love. Either way, there will be something that you prefer in the middle of what you have and the more you hang around that energy the more that energy can expand and attract more of itself. That one little nugget of light might be the key you need to elevate yourself to somewhere new or at the very least help you create a version of your job that you can fall even more in love with.

My favourite part of my job is when I am in the middle of a reading and I get to witness a light that goes on your eyes. It truly is a transcendant moment. If a client is open and receptive to the process a reading can carry a transformative momentum that carries us both to a greater awareness of the present moment. I love to witness the Universe working through me. I am a vessel in that moment for the light that you have called through me and the good news is that you don't to be a medium to do that. You can call light into any situation at any time. You have the ability to find the best aspect of where you are and hang around there enough that the momentum of the Universe catches it and launches you into a new, brighter version of yourself. The energy is ripe for transition at the moment and will be for about 6 weeks so USE THIS ENERGY. Emulate through your own mind the life you want to live and draw on the best bits of what you have available to you to create a recipie for what's coming. Find your favourite piece of everything that's around you and claim it, state it and speak it if you can. You have the light already and it's asking you to use it.

I've started this week feeling better, more rested and more rooted in who I am. It's strange how something so small threw me off my centre so quickly and after a lot of sleep, chocolate and art I am glad to report that I am quietly healing whilst allowing the energetic root of the situation to unravel. For those that don't know I was asked to remove my art from a local cafe because of it's “occult symbolism”. I won't go into the mechanics of it all because I feel like I did that in my facebook post/mailing list and to do it now just picks at something that, if I'm honest, is still a little sore. I'm O.K though. The cafe that was displaying my art has apologized and I accept the apology in the spirit with which it was given. This week Stu has also been off work because he's poorly so that's been a real reminder of what's important. Family, in all it's definitions. The other added blessing in this experience was knowing just how far my reach has been over the years and just how many of you have stepped forward to share love with me when my feelings were hurt. The validation of my art, the willingness to ready yourselves and stand with me has really let me know that all of the love I have been trying to put out there over the years is sewn into the very corners of my life. Honestly your words, your messages and those of you who stopped me in the street for a quick hug are golden in my life. Golden.

I cannot write this experience off as a negative one though. I'm not even sure if I believe in the whole positive and negative thing any more. It feels too binary to apply to the universal tapestry we live in. I have truly felt the hand of the Universe in all of this and I can see why I was intuitively called to put my work there in the first place. I'm also not entirely sure it's done, even though I am actively trying to put the whole thing behind me I still have to remind myself every now and again that God is a verb, to treat compassion like a verb and to be as kind as I can be whilst still asserting appropriate boundaries. You have to love people where they live and read the intentions behind the words. That can only really be done when you are willing to self reflect and hold yourself accountable to the energy you put out there into the world. I truly believe that the world reflects back to us what we think about ourselves. We live the sum of who we are and whilst my intention was just to share my art with the world it is also now clear that my old survival skill of “going under the radar” is still present in my energy. I've spoken to you all before about that part of my experience, that learning to live as a gay person in a hostile environment meant I had to learn to be invisible. That is why whenever I put something out there there is still, to this day, a knee jerk response in me as to whether or not I should. It's tribal, root chakra stuff.

I deserve to be seen. I am worthy. I am loving. I am the lens through which wonder exacts itself in my life. The only way to change the direction of my energy is to choose a new direction. So, instead of hiding away under the guise of “healing” I have to directly challenge the space I am going to. So this week I have set myself a small challenge of finding other places to display my art and contact them. So many of you have already given me some wonderful leads and I shall follow them up and I am also considering starting some sort of art group/collective. I know the old energy will still exact itself, you can't stop a ripple in a pond dead in it's tracks but you can throw a bigger stone in and watch as it over rides the whole thing!

I always hesitate before tackling a subject like this. I tend not to write blogs that are more than three paragraphs long and I fear I can't do the subject justice but then I don't think there is ever a truly succinct way to talk about something that is this dark or taboo. Today I want to talk about the epidemic of suicide. Particularly in our men. I've been doing this job for about 20 years now and it is becoming an increasingly prominent cause of death. It is now rarely a week that goes by when I am not connecting for someone who has lost a man in their life by his own hands. Sometimes drugs are the root of it, sometimes it's mental health, sometimes there are circumstances in peoples lives that are so dark I can't imagine not contemplating leaving. I see the underbelly of our culture a lot in my work and I can only marvel at how some people pull through. We live in an increasingly isolating culture with increasing amounts of pressure on our young people and sometimes when the momentum of youth subsides we are left with an ingrained trauma that we can't quite language. Back when we were more rooted in our sense of family and tribe we had people to turn to, now we seem to solely take ourselves to the doctors for a pill. I'm not saying that is not an important and healthy step for some but it is never the complete answer.

I love watching as we culturally learn to language not only mental health but mental well being. I see kids these days talking openly about anxiety, depression, pressure and the need to be your authentic self and I love the direction we are going in but at the same time I don't see the culture we are living in catching up with the openness of the young. I really do hope that one day we will get there but for the time being we still have some serious work to do. It is sadly a rare thing for a man who is suffering in this way to reach out, our culture has given men a pathalogical fear of failure and admitting that you are not coping often feels like you are admitting defeat. I know that there are many suicide hotlines, samaritans, charities that are set up to help and that's wonderful but the issue is getting from point A to point B. Making yourself available to listen is one thing, reaching out and being willing to pull someone out of their dark space, or just sit there with them and offer whatever comfort you can is another. What has struck me is just how shocked so many people are at the kinds of men who have taken their lives. It's so often the men we consider the “life and soul” of the party. It's the happy go lucky man. It's the loving father. It's the supportive best friend. These men have so often carefully, clinically constructed a persona that can let others believe that they are doing O.K even if the opposite is true. I understand it. I've done it myself. In those times all you want is for someone to reach past what you present to the world and let you know that they see you.

The way to tackle this issue is to do exactly this. Read up on it. Talk about it. Normalize it. Reach out to ALL of your friends and check in on them. Not just the friends who fit the stereotype of someone struggling, just reach out to ALL of them. Don't just let them know that you are there, go the extra mile, be an investigator. Be a detective. Dig in and ask questions. Follow your gut and if something feels “off” with someone then trust in that. I truly do believe in the power of community and the more that we learn to connect the more we can tackle this issue. We do also need to display our own vulnerability when dealing with this. I've spoken many times in this blog about my history and connection to depression and mental well being issues. It has taken a lot of work for me to get to where I am but even I still need constant reminders to put self care first. I understand this journey, as you can imagine I had a very strange time growing up hearing voices and just seeing the world differently. Back then I didn't know how to ask for help and we weren't culturally versed in offering it. This is why I think it's important for us at this cultural crisis point to not just learn how to be there when someone reaches out but to be brave enough to reach in.

Oscar plonks himself down in front of the telly, or right next to me if I'm painting and just stares... and stares... and stares. I swear I can feel his gaze burning into the back of my head. He has the focus of an elite athlete and I swear once hes decided he will NOT budge until I take him out for his walk. To be honest I don't mind ( most of the time ). My wanders with Oscar are a great time for me to catch up on my day dreaming. It's the same as when I do cardio. I put my head phones in and off I go into a little dream world. Sometimes if I'm walking through the parks I like a listen to the trees but mainly I am “off planet” or as my mum says “in my bubble “. Imagination is one of the most powerful gifts we have as spirits inhabiting bodies. It is a direct link to the potential of your being. Ok so I know that most of the stuff that us day dreamers actually day dream about will never really happen but the energetic equivalent of them can. Yes, we all know that what we focus on we draw to us. Sometimes that works in a very literal sense and sometimes we attract what's on a level with that. It depends on how you use it really. To it's equivalent or better, that's how it's always worked for me.

Sometimes the imagination is used for escape, to visualise or to explore the parts of our mind that we somehow feel are off limits to our physical lives. I encourage you to use it for whatever you feel you need it for at the time but I also encourage you to be aware of it too. If you are spending hour after hour running over the shoulda, coulda, woulda's with your ex then you are calling out for their energy or something similar to it. I'm not saying if you spend half an hour thinking about them then expect a call but what I am saying is that we live in an attraction based Universe and that which is like unto itself is drawn. One of the many things I love about day dreaming and the imagination is that it's such a perfect platform for the intuition and also spirits to connect with you. Creativity and psychic energy are bedfellows. I personally don't think you can engage one without the other. When I used to run classes one of the tools I use to help people connect with their intuition was creativity and I wanted to offer that out to you today. If you don't have one already, get a sketchbook and make a habit of doing some drawing in it. You dont have to be a good artist, or even a good drawer, the point is to engage with your creativity and not only see where it takes you but to also see what new literacy it offers you about your life.

I also think that the more you engage with your imagination the better you will get at visualisation which is, basically imagining on purpose. The benefits of visualisation are well documented, it actively opens doors to helping you create and call for the things you want. The good thing about all of this is that imagination is something we all have, it's something we are all born with and the more we use it the more it can benefit our lives. I have never understood people who fear imagination. If you can't play within the boundaries of your own mind how are you ever going to find and create joy as an adult? I've learned that a big part of being a grown up is learning which parts of you to intentionally keep child-like. Imagination is the open door to your connection with joy, the spirits around you and your intuition, what's to fear about that? Now, go play!

Being self employed I have a lot of benefits and autonomy within my working day. There are so many positives to the lifestyle I've incrementally created over the last 20 years ( yes 20 YEARS!!! ). Of course there are some not so great bits, each job has it's down side like no sick pay and no guarantee of actual work but all in all I have a great working life. I love what I do and it's an interesting a great job to have. I know this is not the case for many others. Some people are trapped in jobs that they dont love, some love their jobs but the job still comes with a huge demand on their time and of course I understand the frustration of finding work too. Your relationship to your job is not unlike any other relationship in your life. It needs maintaining, regulating and of course enforced, respectful boundaries. I have done jobs that I've hated and I've just not lasted there that long. It would be easy for me to say “just quit!”, and in the past that's what I did. If I didn't like where I was I would move onto the next thing but back then I had the momentum of youth and no one being financially dependent on me. It's a little easier and less frightening to job-hop when you're younger. Me and Stu were talking about opportunities yesterday and we both had the same thought that you don't realize how youth focused our culture is until you're not considered “young” any more.

I have definitely felt the impact of this. To me it felt like waking up one day and finding all the opportunities that were laid out in front of you were just gone and my knee jerk reaction to that was to strive to fight for them. It took me a while to understand that I didn't even want the opportunities that were being offered. I think my knee jerk reaction was to the idea that I had a loss of freedom. It's a whole amalgam of cultural ageism and gender narrative. It feels like the world puts you on a pedestal in your youth and then quickly, without reason, knocks you off. It can be written off as a necessary step toward adulthood and ownership but I still wrestle with the idea of freedom and opportunities. In a culture that seems obsessed with only talking about youth and what's new where do we leave room for people who are making new starts? I have spoken to so many people who are trapped in a prison of their own making. So many who haven't given themselves the permission slip to actually make the changes that need to be made. A big part of my work and the work that is done through me is helping people rediscover their power and your power always lies in your capacity to choose.

I'm not one for huge radical immediate change. I like it all to happen slowly, thoroughly and for those of you who are stuck in any job situation I don't recommend that you suddenly drop everything and run! I do recommend that you make a start, firstly within your own mind to really rediscover who you are now and where you want to be. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and the opportunities I want I work towards slowly and carefully. I've learned to leave room to try new things and to also make time to do the things that I already know I love. I want you to know that you are never really “stuck”, even though it might feel like it. You have the power to call on the whole Universe to come meet you where you live and it has the power to transform everything. Make your wish and then make your wish happen. You are your own aladdins lamp. You are your own fairy godmother. I am not talking about idle wishing here, I am talking about definition. Define what it is you want and where you want to be and then yes, throw it out to the Universe and ask for it but also ask for it by making a plan and working towards it. The most important job you have is to create an open relationship between you and your soul. You already have everything you need to start there.

I would wake up and my first thought of the day would be sadness. All related to the break up of course. It's those horrible moments that catch you off guard when something reminds you of them or when something exciting happens and you want to share it with them and then you remember, that it's over. Heartache is a dead weight and one that filters into every art of your life. Even though that pain was long ago I never lose empathy for who I was back then and those in a similar situation now. The pain and the anger display themselves differently in each person but the deeper I went into the hurt the more desperate I became to find ways to escape it. The easiest way I found to avoid the pain was anger. I got so good at being angry that it was the background noise for my life. I made everything “his fault” and by doing so, unknowingly at the time, turned myself into a victim within the situation. And that's where I stayed for years. When I look back at all my art, my writing, my lyrics, my diaries from that time I notice that the rage I felt then was so overt and also so normalised. It may places and in many social circles I was applauded for my victim status and often attracted a crowd. But then I started to look at life, I grew up a little, I started to see love in the world again and I remembered that I have a soul.

When you approach life through the lens of a victim you see everything as happening TO you. You put yourself in the position of a helpless pawn being battered by life and always somehow coming off worse. When you approach life through the lens of your soul you see yourself as a collaborator of your experience and you put yourself in a position to learn. There is no need to demonise those that hurt you, even if they are doing a pretty good “demon” impression. At the end of the day they have a soul too. A major step in moving me out of my victimhood and into a space of ownership was learning to forgive the person that hurt me and of course taking the time to forgive myself. People are attracted to you for a reason, they are repelled from you for a reason too. It's easy to slip back into blame and guilt when doing this work but both of them are expressions of victimhood. Instead of blame just take responsibility, instead of being guilty, absorb the lesson and use it to transform you into a better version of yourself.

When your heart is broken it will hurt. Let it hurt. Sit in the pain until is passes because IT WILL PASS. You will see the other side of it. If you don't go through the pain, cry the tears, learn the lessons then you are just going to repeat the same pattern over and over again. If you find that your love life seems to in a groundhog day sequel then start to unravel it by asking yourself, “Which pain haven't I healed?”. It will take time. It took me years. It did though eventually lead me down a path to where I fell so deeply in love with who I am and with life around me that I can do nothing but watch how the Universe falls over itself to rise to meet that energy. We all have the capacity to be a victim to the world and it's a glamourous invitation to do so but, what it invites into your life as a result is never really worth the pay off. Taking ownership of your life, your energy, your own heart is tough. There's a reason people avoid it! But when you do it you won't just see the world around you, you'll see into it and of course further into you. Knowing that you create your life frm the inside out and living that truth are two seperate things and I advise in the beginning taking it slowly. Forgive everyone for everything and know that no matter what pain you are sitting in you get the choice to turn that pain into the fuel that transforms you forever.

If there's something I want you to keep in mind this week it's that the world around you is magic. There really is a miracle waiting for you just around the corner, and by around the corner I mean in your very hands. The power of our spirits is never lost on me. One of the benefits of my job is that I get to see just how incredible people can be. The strength, the capacity to endure and most importantly the capacity to transform. We really all do have what we need right here with us. Our intuition guides us to the right information. The Universe lines up people that we need to connect with. Law of attraction brings you to the energetic equivalent of your own energy. The sum of who you are is what is in front of you. If you want your life to change, YOU have to change first. I guess this is where most people run into the first hurdle. More often than not we like who we are, we have gotten used to thinking what we think, feeling what we feel and doing what we do. That's why when we ask for a miracle or a little bit of magic it has a harder time showing up because we don't then step into our own wish. It's like asking to swim and then not jumping into the pool.

Whenever I feel guided towards creating something new in my life I always begin with affirmations. These are not prayers or wishes. These are carefully selected sentences that embody the energy of what I am creating. Once I have identified what it is that I want I then go about constructing the thoughts, ideas, energies and belief systems of a person who would already have what I am asking for. I see it almost like an acting role at first. It's not about lying, it's about finding and using your imagination to engage with the Universe. If your goal is to achieve job satisfaction then take some time to really think and digest what someone who already has that would be thinking. If you loved your work what would you feel? What thoughts would you have? How would it change how you treated yourself? How would it change how you treat others? Journal, contemplate, have a really good dig into the thoughts and ideas behind the personality that can create what you want. If you know of someone who is already doing what it is that you want to do study them. Really get into the mindset of someone who already has what you want and then comes the tricky bit...staying there.

Yes, we do live the sum of our energy but we also live the echo of who we used to be. The energy you are living right now is born of many patterns that you picked up years ago and let's be honest, most of them are wonderful. You learned to love unconditionally, care with all you have and you also learned to take care of your basic needs. You're not doing too badly! All of this Universal language stuff is just fine tuning. It's the icing on the cake. Sometimes though we also learn some stuff that isn't working. We sometimes have learned to take care of others at the expense of ourselves or, to not treat our bodies kindly or, to be scared of change. Imagine a courageous version of yourself. Imagine a successful version of yourself. Imagine a creative version of yourself. Imagine a married/in love/romantic version of yourself. Fill in the blank of whatever it is that you are trying to create and dont just work towards creating it, work towards becoming the person who already has it. THAT is the little nugget of magic that so often get's over looked. You really do have everything you need right there with you.

And the retrograde is over! Besides a few days of residual effects everything shall return to it's normal soon enough. So what did we learn this time around? What did you let go of? What did you learn to welcome? As the mental confusion lifts a better amount of clarity will come to the surface along with a desire to figure it all out. I felt this retrograde deeply. I know that I go on about them but I figured out years ago that these particular planetary shifts seem to have a big effect on me and unsurprisingly also affecting those who are on a similar path. This week is all about journalling for me and figuring out what has shifted. I know on a deep level I am different. Like a jig saw that has been pulled apart and put back together again, only I feel like I've been put back together with a few extra pieces in there somewhere. The shifts have been subtle but I know that's only the beginning. This is now the fun part of what retrograde brings, the cleansing is over and now it's time to see what grows in it's place. What's true is that nothing will be quite the same for any of us.

I plan to recommit to my yoga practice and journalling practice over the next few weeks to ensure that my mental well being is taken care of. I know that there is a lot of talk in our culture right now about mental health and I advise that you listen to every little bit of it. Mental health, like physical health is something that needs to be cultivated. You can't just go to the gym once and expect to lose 3 stone. The same as you can't do self care once a month and expect to feel amazing. You have to do a little bit every day. Some of you who suffer with mental illness have a tougher road to follow and the daily commitment to self care may be all you have some days. Either way, keep trying. If you didn't look after yourself too well today, start again tomorrow. All of us live busy lives and carving out time for yourself is becoming increasingly tough so why not boil it down to just dedicating yourself to making a start. What is the one thing you can do for your mental health? For me, right now, it's yoga. Just 15 to 20 minutes a day, at the end of my day helps me, so that's where I'm starting.

If I were to sit down and list all the things I'd like to do for my self care routine then I'd stress myself out in trying to do them. Kind of the opposite of what I'm trying to achieve right? So why not just choose one? Maybe for you it's running, maybe it's reading a book in a coffee shop on your lunch break, maybe it's going to bed earlier? Whatever it is choose something this week and follow through. You won't get it right every day, you may even miss a few days but like I said, you can always start again tomorrow. We've all just been through a big energetic shift and whilst I don't want to create drama around what's happened I also don't want to undermine the changes we have all just faced within ourselves, even if we can't label what they are at the moment. Right now, and I would say for the next month or so it's a good time to reflect. So much change is coming, politically, economically, culturally that we need to reaffirm our relationship to our sense of dignity and to where we stand within who we really are. The energy that we just passed through will manifest soon, so let's choose to focus on our growth.