It’s about time the cosmetic industry got on board with the deliciousness of bacon. And if you kiss a vegan with bacon lip balm they will immediately burst into flames. What else you would expect from the sages over at J&D’s, purveyors of baconnaise, bacon salt and all sorts of other delicious goodies.

In what can only be described as an act of unbelievable stupidity, the Bravo Network decided to destroy its popular Top Chefseries by adding self-righteous vegan Natalie Portman as a guest host. The Emmy award-winning reality show has built a large following by featuring up-and-coming culinary rock stars cooking artistic, delicious, and meaty dishes. This reputation will certainly be put to the test when the producers ask chefs to cook bland, meatless food with a poop-like presentation. Nobody will be surprised when contestants buckle under the pressure to produce a fecal-inspired meal to please Ms. Portman, who hasn’t made a decent movie since The Professional.

Accomplished chef and best-selling author Anthony Bourdain, who himself has served as a guest judge on Top Chef, sums up the restaurant industry’s feeling toward Ms. Portman and her cult of fellow vegans:

“Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.”

MADISON, Wis. – Oscar G. Mayer, retired chairman of the Wisconsin-based meat processing company that bears his name, has died at the age of 95.

Mayer’s wife, Geraldine, said that he died of old age Monday at Hospice Care, in Fitchburg.

He was the third Oscar Mayer in the family that founded Oscar Mayer Foods, which was once the largest private employer in Madison. His grandfather, Oscar F. Mayer, died in 1955, and his father, Oscar G. Mayer Sr., died in 1965.

Mayer retired as chairman of the board in 1977 at age 62 soon after the company recorded its first $1 billion year. The company was later sold to General Foods, and is now a business unit of Kraft.

This month’s Details magazine contains more than just a bunch of shitty mock-ups and 200-word-intern-authored blurbs about nothing: there is also an article about bacon!

In his article Lard Times, writer Ben Leventhal explores bacon and the cult-crazies (like us) who worship it. The piece is mostly tongue-in-cheek, with Leventhal dishing out some witty stabs at bacon lovers that are meant more to be fun than truly insulting.

Leventhal writes about many of the big players helping to push the bacon movement along (such as our friends at Baconsalt), but besides calling us all a “cult of assholes,” he never really does any interesting or meaningful cultural digging into the phenomenon. But that’s to be expected of Leventhal, a blogger for eater.com, who is himself a fiend for meat.

In our continuing coverage of machines that are good to run vegans down with we bring you the meat bicycle – because sometimes those pesky vegans get places where your meat car can’t drive.

Of course this is just a frame, but making a pair of tires is a breeze if you follow our simple recipe:

Ingredients:

1 Vegan

2 bicycle tires

2 bicycle tubes

Take a bicycle tube and attach it to the mouth of your vegan. The vegan should have enough hot air inside it to fill the tube immediately. Be careful not to overfill. Vegans are full of so much hot air that you might risk exploding your tube. Next, put the tube inside your tire and attach the tire to your meat bike. Repeat process for second tire. When you have finished you will notice that your vegan will still be full of hot air. Try force-feeding it some meat. If that doesn’t work then simply punch it in the stomach and let it go free, as you would with an invasive species of fish that you don’t care to eat.

No other car on the road strikes fear in the heart of a vegan quite like a meat car.

Attract the vegans with garnish then let your meat engine roar. The last thing they’ll see as they pedal their fixed gears away in horror is 3,000 lbs. of meat bearing down upon them. It is best, right before you run them down, to rip a big hunk of meat off the door and let them watch you eat it.

If your wife won’t let you wear a bacon suit then it’s time to find another wife.

This bacon man will slap a vegan with his bacon backhand then give it a kiss with his bacon lips.

Real Hitler was a vegetarian, which means he was a prick. If he had looked more like a meateater (pictured above) history would have been a bit more peaceful.

This is not a bacon man. Notice the hipster glasses, limp noodle arms, 1980’s haircut and wedding ring? This is a vegan in a bacon suit. He has an angry granola wife. The only pleasure in his life is literature. Punch him in the face on sight and put him out of his misery.