Mary & Jane s01e03 Episode Script

Inside Voice

1
Would your friend Alyssa
like this bedazzled bong?
For a bridal shower?
Yeah.
You were thinking of
a bachelorette party.
Yeah, well
See, this is how it starts.
Alyssa's the first to get engaged.
Now it's nothing but
bridal showers and weddings
for the rest of my 20s.
I'm not even close to
being in a relationship
let alone one that
would lead to a marriage.
So what?
Marriage is the boringest.
You have to wake up
next to the same person
for the rest of your life, yech.
Do you know how many different
ways I woke up this week?
Monday, I woke up next
to an investment banker.
Tuesday, I woke up
next to our mailwoman.
Tuesday afternoon, I woke
up next to our mailman.
You get mail twice a day?
Yeah, if they know I'm home, we do.
Girl, this is the era of fluidity.
There are seven billion
people on this planet.
No repeats.
Well, you know, statistically,
six billion of those people have STDs.
Ewf, HPV's the new black.
Are you sure we can't
just skip this party?
Oh, I can't not go.
I've been friends with
Alyssa since, like, forever.
What's that Mama J, how you living?
Heightened and enlightened.
I love seeing you girls in here.
You know what?
I have something very special
for my two favorite customers.
Lube.
It has weed in it.
- Ohh
- Oh, you shoulda started with that.
Now this is not your
ordinary everyday weed lube.
No.
This legendary lube is made
from a rare Egyptian plant.
And it gives you a
high that is so amazing,
you are able to connect
with your inner self.
Mm-hmm.
Powerful women from Cleopatra
to Coco Chanel to Amy Poehler
have used its effects to guide them.
Wow, I've heard of one of those women.
Mm-hmm.
Uh it comes with two warnings.
Important warnings.
One:
Only use a tiny drop.
And two:
Don't feed it after midnight.
Okay, three warnings, got it.
Hey, hi!
I'm so glad to see you!
Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you, hey, Jordan.
- Hi.
Oh, this whole bride
thing is exhausting.
Everyone is so happy for me
and toasting me and giving me presents.
I mean, the thank you notes, eh!
How are you?
Are you dating anyone?
Well
I can't imagine what
it's like out there.
It seems impossible to meet someone.
Listen, I'm trying really hard
to find enough single guests
to make a table at my wedding.
But if I can't, are you okay
sitting at the kids' table?
I mean, it's just that
no one else is single.
Yeah!
Oh, the caterers put the
strawberry brownie kebabs
in the wrong order.
It's brownie, then
strawberry, then brownie!
I mean
She is awful!
If you call her a friend
and you call me a friend,
I want a new title Captain.
Well, there's no way I'm gonna
make it through this party.
(whispering) How much weed do you have?
Ah, dammit.
Literally, the first time
you've ever asked to get high
without it being my
idea and I'm not holding.
Your captain has failed you.
You can demote me back to friend.
Oh, wait, I forgot
about our special guest.
Desperate times.
I don't feel anything!
Me neither, we need more.
Mama J said just a drop.
Yeah, but that is for
normal people, Paige.
We are professional drug
dealers, we need way more.
Well, don't use all of it.
Ooh, I feel like that weed
lube's starting to kick in.
Oh, my God, I'm so high.
Paige, Paige?
What did you do to me?
Paige, can you
overdose on weed lube?
Paige! Are you there?
Jordan, I don't mean to sound
full-on "Bananas in Pyjamas" here,
but I think I just got so
high that I can hear my
Vagina?
Me too.
Isn't it awesome?
I can't believe we finally get to talk.
Me and my OTP living the dream.
There is so much
I wanna tell you!
Where do we even start?
- Ahh!
- Oh!
(screaming)
Ahh!
(all screaming)
Say baby what's your name?
Are you the one,
Mary? Are you Jane?
Jordan, what is going on?
Did you hear Alyssa?
It's impossible to meet someone.
What if she's right?
We should Tinder right now.
No, go to a bar.
Let's Tinder at a
bar right now! Go!
Dude, calm down.
You can hear mine?
Can we go be alone somewhere?
(gasping)
I can hear yours.
This is Grandma Agnes.
She's very tired.
It's usually her nap time.
If you had an all-night
orgy at Twilight Meadows,
you'd be tired too.
Five orgasms but no one could
remember the Goddamn safe word.
What was it? Giraffe? Bagel?
(all) We can hear hers?
I wanna grow my hair out.
What's in, landing
strip, disco bush?
Why aren't we wearing underwear?
It's freezing in here.
Great, another party
with all girls.
Is a penis ever
gonna come to visit?
It's been 37 days, we're
definitely pregnant.
Nice, another party
with all girls, score.
(all) We can hear everyone's.
You knew this was going to happen?
Of course, I did, my loves.
You shoulda heard
yourselves this morning.
You need to take advantage
of this opportunity
and listen to your true inner voice.
I mean, okay,
but why do we need to
hear other women's
areas.
Other people's?
That's not how it works.
How much did you use?
Half a bottle
each.
And maybe we fed it,
but not after midnight.
It's always after midnight.
Ladies, there were only two warnings.
This is uncharted territory.
Hang up! We were masturbating.
I gotta go, I was masturbating.
Damn, I love that woman's honesty.
Jordan, I cannot make it
through the shower like this.
Is that a dog bowl?
Is there a dog?
Do you know what it's like
when a dog nose comes
right up at you?
You're wearing a romper!
Oh, God, oh, God!
Oh, my God, no wonder
you're stressed out.
Paige?!
It's almost your turn to
spin the Bride is Right wheel.
Coming!
Don't worry, it'll
probably wear off soon.
And in the meantime,
I'm gonna go catch
up with little Jordie.
(loud sigh)
Shall we? After you.
And even though the lasagna
was completely burned,
he still ate the whole thing
and pretended that he loved it.
Ohh
And I just knew I wanted
to spend the rest of
my life with this man.
And then we spent all night
with his perfect penis.
There's a perfect penis?
We've never seen
a perfect penis?!
Shh!
Paige, you're up.
Ooh
Land on sex toy gift bag!
I don't care what I land on.
Proposal story, again?
(laughing)
Okay, so we were having our
usual Sunday picnic at the park.
Next thing I knew I was
surrounded by puppies
and all of his co-workers
You're next.
Soon, we'll be doing
your wedding shower.
Oh, stop, she has plenty of time.
She's got a month
before those ovaries
start to look like Detroit.
She's right, you should just
burn me down for the insurance!
I'm fine, I'm still
young, I'm in my early 20s.
Mid-20s!
Honeydew? Hot toddy?
No, that was our
Christmas orgy safe word.
Cheers to all the good times.
To that Uber driver
with the piano fingers
who earned his 4-1/2 stars.
To the WNBA chick who
didn't fit in my bed.
So we called her tallsey.
To Megan Fox.
This is actually what I
wanted to talk to you about.
I'm tired of the constant
parade of partners, Jordan.
It's nonstop.
Wait, you're kidding, right?
We're living our 20s
the way everybody dreams
of living their 20s.
You're my vagina.
It's the best gig in the world.
Is it?
Remember that guy
from the surf shop
who was taking all
those garlic pills?
You wouldn't kiss him, but
you let him stay down here
breathing on me for an hour.
Oh, now I know why that took us so long.
It's like a revolving
door down here.
I don't know who's coming at me
or what's coming at
me half the time!
Okay, calm down.
I'm a delicate (bleep) flower!
I need a break!
Okay, I'm
I'm sorry, Va-Jordan, hey.
I had no idea.
I'll I'll be more considerate.
Okay, cool, thank you.
I'm really glad we
talked about that.
Me too.
You're my sis.
Do you wanna go back in there
and listen to some other poonanas?
Can we park next to Grandma Agnes?
Course, obviously.
I wanna know what that safe
word was at Twilight Meadows.
What if it takes us
too long to find a guy?
And we marry too late
and we can't have babies?
What if we can have babies?
Oh, God! You want me to push
a human body through my face?!
Shut up! Shut the (bleep) up!
Oh, hey, Lindsay!
Nice to see you.
Hey, girl.
She's totally acting weird.
She knows what we did.
She knows we slept
with the groom.
Oh, my God, we shouldn't
have come today.
(gasping)
(gasping)
(gasping)
It's time for the
relationship advice cards.
So, think of your past
relationship experiences
and write down your best
piece of advice for the bride.
We know what she did!
We have to tell Alyssa.
I can't.
Honey, you don't have
to full out the card
if you don't know what to say.
I can tell you what to write.
I can tell you what to write.
Shh sure, sure can.
My sister Ellen never married.
She had a very full life.
Oh?
Until she choked to
death in her apartment
because there was no one else
there to give her the Heimlich.
Just her cats.
Can't you see you're making Paige upset?
She has to be around all this happiness
and reminders that I found love
when she hasn't even been
in a serious relationship.
That must be awful.
You don't have to write one.
(scoffs)
Hey, I like those sausages.
But I'm in the mood for something
a little more attached to a person.
What are you doing after
this party wraps up?
Say, 4:00 in the afternoon?
Number, please.
(beeps)
(sighs)
Really? What the shit, Jordan!
What?
Did our little talk
mean nothing to you?
I told you I needed a break!
Easy, V.
You're never gonna change.
I'm sick of this.
It's over!
I don't understand.
No, seriously, I don't understand.
What do you mean it's over?
Girl, what is happening?
You can't just break up with me.
Wait, can you?
Hello?
V! Don't be mad.
Don't you touch me!
(Whitney Houston)
And I
P! I need you to talk
to my vagina for me.
No?
Please!
She's giving me the silent treatment.
Tell her she can't break up with me.
What how did you
What am I supposed to even
I don't know.
You're just better at this
relationship stuff, please?
Hey, Jordan's, little Jordan?
Listen, your person is
a really good person.
Oh, you don't have to be weird about it.
You can stand up and talk to her.
I do not have time for this right now.
I am freaking out, okay?
I just did something awful.
I heard from Lindsay's
vagina, that she
slept with the groom.
And I wrote it on all of
Alyssa's relationship advice cards.
And now she's gonna read
it in front of everybody.
Yeah, thanks, that makes
me feel a lot better.
We gotta get that card back!
Yeah, you gotta get that card back.
Shit!
Shit!
And I
Hey! What about me?!
My vagina broke up with me.
(chatter)
Hey, ladies, they're about to play
How Well Do You Know the
Bride in the living room.
Better hurry.
There are prizes, good luck!
Bye.
"Don't go to bed angry."
"Don't go to bed angry."
Don't these women have one
piece of original advice?
Oh.
(Alyssa) We're about to
read the advice cards.
(gasping)
Ahh!
Oh!
What are you doing?
Uh
Seriously, in all caps, WTF.
A bird.
What?
A bird, a bird flew in that window
and knocked over this candle.
And then before you knew it,
all your advice cards
were on fire and
I really tried to save them
but you'd be surprised
at how flammable paper is.
But don't you worry.
You need new relationship advice cards.
I am on it, girl.
Ladies!
Where's the bird?
Yes, Shane, tonight's the night.
Uh, my place, I guess?
I have my dorm room
to myself this weekend.
Can't we just go to the movies?
I don't think I'm ready.
Okay, see you tonight.
(beeps)
(sighs)
Hey, can I give you some advice?
If there's any part of you
that doesn't feel ready,
you should listen to that voice.
Trust me, you don't want
your vagina to be made at you.
What happened to the
card I already filed out?
It had really good advice.
"Never go to bed angry".
A bird blew in the window
and knocked over a candle.
Really? That's so strange.
What did it look like?
A bird?! That's
what we went with?
Um, it was white, big
wingspan, yellow beak.
Sounds like an albatross.
Yup, exactly, that is
what it was, thank you.
How did it even get in here?
All of the windows have screens.
Lies, all lies! I
think I'm gonna puke.
Um, it well, you know, scratch that.
It was actually a much
smaller inland bird,
um, kind of like a bat.
Ew, gross, bats have diseases.
She's right, was it near the food?
My triple berry cake.
I had to preorder it five months ago.
That cake has rabies!
Throw it out, throw all the food out!
No, I'm, I'm the bird,
the bat, I mean
There's not a bird or a bat, it was me.
I burned the cards.
Why would you do that?
It just
God, seeing all of this
and everything you have going for you.
I don't know, I kind of lost it.
There is a huge part of me
that is so happy for you.
But then there's this whole part of me
that's kind of freaking out,
and to tell you the truth,
I wish I was a bigger person.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I took it out on you
and ruined what should be a
truly special day in your life.
I hope you can forgive me
because you are my friend,
and you deserve your happy ending.
Well, you have a weird
way of showing it.
Hey!
Paige is being very brave.
Okay, she is being honest.
I think a lot of us try to pretend
that everything's perfect
when on the inside, we
feel like we're a mess.
Some of us are unsure
about our relationships
or can't remember our safe word.
Some of us know we're just
a 1:00 a.m. booty call,
but we're afraid that
we can't do any better.
You can.
Some of us can't remember
when sex used to be fun,
and others of us have
like way too much sex.
And then others of us have
non-vagina related problems
I'm not aware of right now.
But the only thing we're
doing wrong is thinking
that we have to go through
all this stuff alone.
You're right.
I brag about my perfect
life but the truth is
I'm terrified.
In one month I'll stand in
front of everyone and say I do.
When really I don't know.
Wow, it does feel really
good to finally be honest.
I'm so sorry, Paige.
(all) Aww
Oh.
I cut the size tags off my jeans
and switch them for smaller ones.
I've stolen 42 towels from my gym.
You're getting some for your wedding.
I tell everyone my dog is a rescue.
I need people to tell
me I'm a good person.
Sometimes I don't like
people's Instagrams on purpose.
I like what's going on in,
in everybody's lives, but I
don't want them to know it.
I slept with Mikey.
(all gasping)
Right after Dion and I broke up,
it was only one time.
It was that month
when you guys split up.
I didn't know you were
gonna get back together.
I feel terrible, I'm so sorry.
I know.
He told me months ago.
Oh.
We got past it and I forgive you.
Not the most ideal timing, but
I'm glad you were able to tell me.
(all) Aww
Aww
We're Vagina Whisperers.
So, you don't mind if we wait?
Cool.
Oh, I'll totally still do that.
And that thing you did on the ski trip?
When we were in the hot tub all night
Hey, where should we meet up later?
Sorry, dude, I can't.
Did you suddenly get 4:00 p.m. plans?
Yes, I did.
With someone very special
and I'm letting her call the shots.
So, plans are whatever she feels like.
That sounds not at all made up.
Did you mean that?
Of course.
Listen, Venetian, I'm sorry.
I hear you, I do, I'll change, promise.
Let's just never fight again, okay?
Okay.
I just wanted to be heard.
And I'm not saying no sex.
But you know, let's be picky.
Yeah, like every other person.
Maybe every third person.
Meet in the middle.
Hey, when we get home,
I'm gonna make you the
sickest bubble bath.
Girl, you know I love
them purple bubbles.
Oh, it's gonna be nothing
but purple bubbles for you.
You're gonna be smelling
like lavender for weeks!
Paige?
Oh, no, you're fading.
It's wearing off.
You did good today.
And I've decided I'm
not worried about us.
There's plenty of time
and so much love to
experience like Italian guys.
(gasping)
Can we please try out
some Italian guys?
We're gonna be fine.
We'll find our perfect fit.
Like Cinderella and her slipper.
Only don't put a shoe
up me, that's gross.
I will ever put a shoe in you.
Ready to go?
Hey, you know, maybe
monogamy isn't the poison
laced bear trap I always thought it was.
I mean, you and I have
been together for a while,
and I'm not sick of you yet.
Was that a proposal?
If anyone proposed it would be you.
In what world? You
would totally propose to me.
You know, I'm actually a
little sad the lube wore off.
I miss her.
They're still with us.
They'll always be right here.