SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The GOP united Thursday in urging the White House to consider drone strikes against Scotland to suppress the Celtic rebellion brewing there. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) compared the threat of free Scots to the insidious origins of the Islamic State jihadist group ISIL (aka ISIS), which he and Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) unwittingly helped spawn. Graham now fears a closer menace as the Scottish Nationalist Party (SNP), a separatist faction of rebels in the United Kingdom, pushes for independence -- a move that could turn them against the American resources who once enlisted their aid to fight British aggressors. But his colleagues in Congress worry about a more insidious threat: that the Scottish vote to secede from foreign money, resources and power could spark a renaissance of American independence from similar controls -- such as the foreign financing and corporations that own much of the U.S. Congress.

Graham Warns of Celtic Jihad, Pict Uprisings

Graham has become increasingly more paranoid and vocal about the possibility of groups like ISIL invading the United States, a situation worsened by the administration’s lackluster response to the peril. He and Sen. McCain played pivotal roles in persuading the Saudis and Qataris, both U.S. allies, to arm rebel groups in Syria. ISIL grew and flourished from those efforts. Like most state-sponsored terror groups, ISIL bit the hand that fed it.

The situation with the SNP, Graham feels, is heading down the same twisted path. The senator claims that the United States, during the American Revolution, invested heavily in recruiting Scottish nationals to support the war effort and inform the U.S. military commanders of British plans. Scores of Scots had previously defected to the New World and joined the ranks of the fledgling nation’s early thinkers, lawmakers and philosophers.

“We exerted our influence and our funding to help build this group of rebels within the United Kingdom,” Graham said of Scotland. “And now they want to pursue their own path -- their own economy, their own radical political ideologies -- which could run in opposition to the values of America and its allies over there.”

Whimpering and sobbing from behind the locked, physically guarded doors of his office, Graham cried out: “It’s the Middle East all over again! Scotland controls the oil routes to Britain. Scotland has slaughtered countless foreign rulers in its history of invasions and conquest. I’ve seen ‘Braveheart.’ I’ve read ‘MacBeth.’ We’re doomed!”

Graham also noted how little we in the West know of nationalistic Scots or their strange ways. The second largest religious group in the country takes Islam as its faith. Jacobites also formed popular religious cult that figured prominently in Celtic heritage.

“What the hell are Jacobites?” Graham demanded. “What grim, dire, idolatrous gods do they pray to? Do they seek the death of Christian infidels? Are they homosexuals? Do they allow equal rights for women? Do they, like Jesus killers and jihadists, not eat bacon?”

Graham dreads that all of these fundamentalist ideals could be driving the extremists behind the SNP, which boasts over a million members. Meanwhile the remaining Scottish army, still operating in allegiance to the British crown, would have only 5,000 troops available to defend against homegrown terror attacks, which could include improvised explosive devices, suicide bombings, haggis, bagpipe music and cabers -- weapons the size of telephone poles that young Highland men are trained to wield early in their youth.

As President Obama announced plans to deploy 3,000 troops to Africa in an effort to contain the virulent spread of Ebola, which he described as a threat to global security, Sen. Lindsey Graham demanded that those resources be dispatched to fight real wars, not wars against concepts. Paralyzed by the fear of ISIL and the SNP invading the West, Graham loudly and publicly denounced the White House’s decision to send U.S. forces to battle “a bad cold” in Africa.

“We’re still engaged in the war on terror,” Graham shrieked during a press conference Thursday. “Assassins are on their way here to behead every American and bathe in the splatter of our children’s bloody, mutilated entrails like some gory, homoerotic orgy in the brothels of hell! We need to be fighting real enemies, not concepts. Terror is real. That’s why we’ve declared war against it. Ebola is, what, like a flu? I don’t find that terrifying. It’s not a real thing, like evil, it’s just a silly word -- an idea.”

At the heart of Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, buried beneath the slogans and convictions and logistical details, lurks a broader issue: the elite, wealthy and generally privileged members of the ruling class have botched things up for everyone they represent through two decades of greedy blunders.

As New York Times journalist Neil Irwin observed: “In 2008, the banks nearly collapsed and were bailed out, and the British economy hasn’t been the same. Their failures ushered in a conservative government in 2010 that is even less aligned with the Scots’ preferred policies, bringing an age of austerity when the Scots would prefer to widen the social safety net.”

Scottish freedom fighters want to see an increase in social programs, environmentalism, independence from corporate interests in politics and foreign financing, and federal programs designed to promote the welfare of all citizens. And that’s exactly what bothers congressional leaders in the United States.

“Ridiculously wealthy and well-financed congresspeople in both parties are petrified,” said progressive pundit Ferrel Michaels. “Many disgruntled Americans, when polled, express what you could call a Scottish attitude: they generally want the same things as the Scots. And that means U.S. lawmakers are facing the dawn of a new generation of constituents who might realize that votes no longer matter and that the nation’s policy makers are in fact owned by countries such as China, Brazil, Saudi Arabia and Qatar, along with companies like AT&T, National Association of Realtors, Chamber of Commerce, Boeing, Blue Cross, Pharmaceutical Manufacturers of America and Exxon, to name a few.”

“Seeing Scotland rid itself of this influence could just ignite a new American Revolution, where the people of the United States take back control of their government from corporate shills and offshore investors,” Michaels added. “And that could spell the end of this great oligarchical experiment. The American imperialist empire, which the GOP worked so hard to create since the 1980s, could be reduced to a few back acres of Alaska and a sweaty rape dungeon in Saipan.”