The National Affairs Desk of Glorious Noise

Seems the DNC Executive Director Tom McMahon is a POLJUNK reader, or it's just an amazing coincidence that his latest email uses my words in an attempt to sway fence sitting war opponents to fall heavily onto the Democratic side.

The email starts out, "According to House Minority Leader John Boehner, I'm a 'terrorist sympathizer,' and you probably are too."

My June 21, 2006 article YOU Are an Enemy Sympathizer! Begins with, "Last week's bogus Iraq war debate had one Republican reach a new low and by extension, condemn the majority of Americans as enemy sympathizers."

Clearly, the heads with any clout are reading POLJUNK and forming their policy to suit our needs. As such, I would like to request the following of our dear leaders:

1. Scarlett Johanssen declared Woman of the Century and compelled to marry me as a show of her patriotism.
2. Tom DeLay is to be publicly shackled in a city of my choosing (contest to pick the winner to be announced and coordinated with Simon Fuller, et al.) and then pelted with sweaty socks and snot rags until he calls me "Big Papa."
3. Katherine Harris should be compelled to run for public office at every opportunity. She is too good a source of copy to be wasted as just another congressional loser turned lobbyist.
4. A constitutional amendment should be ratified that will require Dick Cheney to stand up, grab his ding dong, and declare "I am very very tiny" after every third "make" in quarters—players to be determined but sure to include Johnny Depp, Bill Maher, and myself.
5. GLONO founder and publisher Jake Brown should be required by presidential decree to grow out his Guido Mustache.

If all of the above are implemented, I guarantee that the insurgents will rest, the stock market will boom, and every pot in America will not contain plain old chicken, but a tasty helping of Harold's Fried Chicken from store #4 in Chicago.