5 Super Adorable Exotic Pets (who make absolutely terrible pets)

5. Ferrets

“Awww…he’s all tuckered out. Now he’s going to curl up in a nest of you’re socks he’s crammed behind the fridge.”

Ferrets, those mischievous masked scamps. They’re like slinky, sinuous, cats with comically long necks and bodies. These are affectionate, playful, inquisitive animals. If you get them descented they don’t smell too bad and they can be litter trained with some patience. In fact, a ferret or two would make an excellent addition to your home. Provided you can keep the darn things from killing themselves. Ferrets curiosity and energy mixed with the fact that they can squeeze into tight places pretty much guarantees that they’ll get themselves in trouble unless you ferret proof your house. If you thought babies were helpless and stupid, here are just a few of the many many things you need to do to keep your suicide prone weasel safe.

Photo Thanks: Critteristic.com

“They’re dead…but it’s still cute.”

They love holes, so plug up everything. Don’t assume your ferret hasn’t crawled into your vacuum cleaner or your drain pipes (don’t turn on the garbage disposal!). Rocking chairs and fold out beds are pretty much blunt guillotines, so get rid of them. Keep your toilet bowl lid down or they’ll drown themselves. And they love to eat odd things, so watch what you leave laying around. Vets have pulled foam ear plugs, paper clips, erasers, rubber bands, mousepad pieces, Velcro, calculator keypads, stockings out of their stomachs. Always check the dirty clothes before throwing them on to wash because rodent blood will absolutely ruin a blouse. Make sure your medicine is kept in childproof containers and is out of reach (wait…seriously?). You should also probably look into getting your ferret a bright yellow helmet with a warning label that reads ‘special’.

4. Kinkajous

This ferret-monkey-bear looking thing is not only cute, but also very playful. The Kinkajou is energetic, loves to leap and climb, has a prehensile tail like a monkey and will use you as it’s personal tree. It also has a six-inch long tongue. Which is all awesome right? And it’ll bite the ever-loving hell out of you if you mess up, just like it did to Paris Hilton…twice.

Even though their diet consists mainly of fruit they have extremely sharp teeth and a strong bite. Scientists don’t really know why this frugivore even needs friggin vampire-like incisors. What kind of fruit can’t be taken out with anything less than fangs? Regardless many owners swear that these creatures are gentle and affectionate. Just as long as you don’t crowd them too much, don’t make too many sudden movements, respect their territory and don’t wake them up during the day. It’s also recommended that let them have their own room cuz they need lots of space. You should probably give strong consideration to turning your entire life over to your Kinkajou. It would make things easier. (So yes, it’s exactly like being married.) Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll come away mostly unscathed…probably. They also live anywhere from 20 to 40 years, so be prepared to have this hyper, saber-toothed squirrel-chimp around forever. Oh, and in at least three states Raccoon Roundworms have been discovered in the feces of Kinkajou pets…which can be fatal to humans…and Kinkajou’s can’t be litter trained (or any kind of trained actually).

3. Owls

Wook, it’s a soft fwuzzy widdle owl. He’s so tiny and fruffy and wovable. I wants one! Friggin Harry Potter’s got an owl mom. Why can’t I have one? Well first of all it’s illegal. But who cares right? People still keep these things. But there are other reasons that should make you reconsider adopting one of these plushy raptors. Mostly, it’s because they’re birds of prey, so besides having razor sharp claws and beaks that can cut you, your furniture and virtually anything else in your house to shreds, they’ll also see any other pets as potential food. We can’t stress enough how powerful and sharp and their talons are. They can cut you to the bone just by being playful. Some of the larger owls have a grip of up to two hundred pounds per square inch. Humans can barely squeeze for twenty.

Photo Thanks www.3news.co.nz

“You’re perfectly safe as long as you don’t stop petting him.”

And if the bird has imprinted on you then it’ll think you’re its mate. Which basically means it owns you and it’ll attack anyone who comes near you. I hope you don’t plan to date. During mating season it’ll hoot and screech all night long too. And you’d better darn well hoot back and you’d better act like you like it…if you know what’s good for you. And they won’t like anyone else but you which means only you can feed them, so no vacations away from home…ever. They also have special diets which consists of whole animals. They will also throw up everything they don’t digest, like livers and intestines, so be prepared to clean that loveliness up.

2. Slow Loris

Holy heck on a stick!!! That has got to be the cutest thing on the face of this forsaken mud ball we call earth! That precious guy is packing some epic, weapons grade adorableness. That innocent, wide-eyed little bugger is just begging to have the heck cuddled out of him. He’s such a slow, itty-bitty monkey. It’s like a tiny, fuzzy old man. Why doesn’t everyone have one of these sweet little raccoon sloths? Because they have poisonous elbows (no, seriously). The Slow Loris has special glands in their elbows which secret a toxin that causes rapid swelling and intense pain (it’s all true, why would we make this up?). They lick their elbows so that they’re bite can deliver this venom to the bloodstream (go ahead, try to lick your elbow).

photo thanks: weird-bizzare-creepy.tumblr.com

“This may look like a ‘don’t beat me’ pose, but in reality it’s getting its elbows in attack position.”

Owning one is illegal, because they’re endangered in the wild. Their poison also makes them smell like sweat socks. They like to bed down in dirty cloths hampers (cuz it smells like home probably). They have extremely sharp teeth and despite their slow appearance they can strike like lighting. The poison doesn’t kill, but it causes painful throbbing and swelling.

1. Sugar Gliders

These lovely flying squirrel-possums are small, cute and they love to play and run around. And the best part is they can glide! You and a friend can toss one around in the back yard like a baseball (please don’t). What could be more fun and adorable than an aerial hamster with stripes like an English badger? And then it pees on you. As a matter of fact, it’ll probably do more than pee. Sugar gliders have no real control over when they defecate. When they wake up, they pee. When they eat, they pee. When you take them out to play, they pee. But don’t worry, that probably means he likes you.

photo thanks: www.dailymail.co.uk

“The fur bat strikes!”

Another great thing about sugar gliders is that they suck the juices out of their food. They don’t really ‘eat’ fruit. They just squeeze it to a mushy pulp and then they spit it out…all over the wall, the floor, the ceiling. These little critters are renowned for making a huge mess. They can also smell strongly (but maybe that’s because it’s covered in urine 24 hours a day). And don’t think you can get just one. Sugar gliders are social creatures and they need lots of attention or they might freak out and attack you or themselves or just straight out die. (Did we mention that in the wild they chew threw bark so you’re skin is laughably easy for them to peal away?) It’s best if you have two so they don’t get lonely. So that’s twice the mess, twice the smell but also twice the fun!

Oh, and they bark all night long cuz their nocturnal animals. Sweet dreams.

Monte Richard

Monte Richard is a super villain who also writes in his spare time. He enjoys long walks on the beach, scented candles, and total world domination.
You can check out his articles at Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/members/thelastmonte/) or on his blog, thelastmonte.wordpress.com

Comments (5)

Dee

I have a set of sugar gliders, and they are perfect pets once you get used to them, and feeding them. They hardly ever relieve themselves on me, and if they do, it’s not anything like a huge mess. A little paper towel corner, and bam, all cleaned up.
They don’t smell so long as they have a well-balanced diet, and I’ve only ever been bit on purpose once, when I was trying to give one medicine, nothing much worse then a little finger prick. It’s recommended you have a cage cover (basically a cheap sheet, sewn down the sides to make a box) that leaves the front of the cage open, so if they do sling their food (Which if you’re blending their food, like you should, shouldn’t happen), it can easily be washed away.

Gliders make absolutely wonderful pets, if you know what you’re doing.

Samantha

Really, those who buy exotic pets should be ashamed, consumers (those who buy these beautiful animals) are the ONLY reason there is an illegal exotic pet trade in the world. Imagine you being ripped from your home, taken away from your natural environment, forced to exist purely for the enjoyment of another species, no choice at all.
Who are you people…

Mikayla

You are completely worng! These animals as pets have been domesticated already and they cant survive in the wild. We dont just go into the rain forest and grab them, they come from breeders. And actually they make wonderful pets. A dog was once a wild animal and people domesticated it over time and now they are the most popular pet in the world!

Chelsey

Ferrets are actually really wonderful pets. Mine wont eat anything except for his food, he wont even eat the treats that we buy for him. He is litterbox trained and doesn’t smell, why? because I clean his cage everyday and wash all his bedding once a week and let him out of his cage for at least 4 hours a day(usually at least 6). This is not the pet for someone who is never home however, because they do need at least 4 hours a day out of their cage with human interaction. Mine snuggles and gives kisses etc, he is wonderful. Im not saying that every ferret will be this way but we have had great luck with ours! Of course we have to block the fireplace, the garbage disposal and under the cooking stove and be careful where we sit but really for me its no big deal. Please if you are going to get a ferret, buy it from a private person or from a rescue as the ferret breeding business for petco etc can be less than desirable for the poor ferrets.

Mikayla

Sugar gliders are actually amazing pets. They are perfect. Long hours of care and such but they are so amazing. Best pets ever. And kinkajous they are as well. They are like big teddy bears. And ferrets really? They are very popular and great pets. All those are great pets when taken proper care of and bonding with them.