Jenna and I are mirroring until we achieve touchless orgasm. Annnnnnnnnd finished.

Liz:

Uhhhhhhh...

Paul:

Well, I have to go to work. A new manager's making us wear name tags. We might as well be working at a rollerskating drag queen restaurant under Taliban rule.

Jenna:

But after your shift we still have our special night, right?

Paul:

You have no idea how special.

Jenna:

[sighs then touches tongues with Paul]

Jenna:

Ohhhhh! We're celebrating our six month anniversary and I think Paul's going to pop the question.

Liz:

Really? That's a little fast, isn't it?

Jenna:

And I will say yes when Paul proposes... that we make a sex tape and leak it on the Internet.

Liz:

Oh, I thought you meant marriage.

Jenna:

Oh God no. Marriage is like death. You settle into a routine, you lose all the spark.

Liz:

I don't know, I always thought the whole point of being with someone for a long time is to get to the comfortable routine part.

Jenna:

No. Relationship are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse then something's wrong.

Liz:

Well nothing's wrong with me and Carol. I mean, we haven't spoken in five days but that doesn't mean anything. Because we are not sharks. We're legless turtles rotting on the beach.

Jack Shirks His Duty

Liz:

Jack. What makes a guy get bored in a dating situation?

Jack:

That's an excellent question. The answer is questions like that.

Liz:

Look, this long distance is hard. And now Carol and I haven't talked in like five days, and my other stuff is still... unresolved.

Jack:

Uh, I get it, Lemon. You need to see a therapist. Someone you can dump your problems on and then get on with your, uh... [makes tiny air-quotes] life.

Liz:

Uch, I'm trying, I just can't find someone I like. I mean, have you ever been to a shrink?

Jack:

No. I believe that when you have a problem you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club. Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind-vice. But for lesser being like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help. And Lemon, I want you to get better. Because, and I mean this, I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.

Donald, I'm going to pick a problem at random. Is the theme of your restaurant "not enough tables?"

Donald:

No, we just need a lot of room for the monster fight.

Jack:

Excuse me?

Donald:

Jack, are you familiar with the mega-restaurant Medieval Times? Well, I took that model and replaced the knights with unlicensed versions of Japanese monsters.

Donald:

[into microphone] Ladies and gentlemen, there's been an underwater nuclear explosion. A beast has been awakened. It approaches with fearsome steps. Boom! Boom! Boom! Are we paying the price for our hubris of science? Witness the primeval might that is Godzila with one "l" for trademark reasons.

Godzila:

[knocks over table]

Donald:

Oh! No one is safe! Who all's going to protect us? It's Mechagodzila! Boom! Boom! Boom! Thank you for choosing Staples.

Godzila:

Ugh! Donald! George punched my crotch!

Mechagodzila:

You liked it.

Kenneth the Therapist

Kenneth:

Captain Burnett called earlier, Miss Lemon.

Liz:

Finally. Not that it matters. We're turtles.

Kenneth:

He said he doesn't have cell phone service because he's on layover in Daytona Beach, but don't worry because he's fine and having a great time with his flight crew: Stewart, Brenda, Amber, Crystal. Also in the background I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.

Liz:

See, this is why I need to find someone to talk to.

Kenneth:

Talk to about what?

Liz:

[lays down on couch] Men. Trust. I mean, I just feel like sometimes men aren't totally honest with me.

Kenneth:

Oh. [sits down] Go on.

Liz:

Well, for starters, everyone I ever dated in high school turned out to be either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship. My own dad tries to secretly cheat on my mom and I thought their marriage was perfect. And of course there's Santa Claus.

Kenneth:

Okay. Talk about that.

Liz:

When I was seven I asked for a CB radio for Christmas so I could track gas prices around the state for a cool chart that I was making.

Kenneth:

We'll get back to that later.

FIX

Liz:

When I didn't get it my dad blamed Santa Claus. Well, Santa made an enemy that day. The next year when he returned to the Schuylkill Galleria, so did vengeance.

Santa:

[flashback] Ho ho ho! What can Santa bring you this year?

Liz:

[flashback] [Young Liz] What does it matter? You didn't bring me what I asked for last year you fat fraud. You're a bigger disappointment than our current president, Jimmy Carter.

Santa:

[flashback] I am a fraud, little boy! [takes off Santa hat and beard] My wife still thinks I work at the bank.

Liz:

I guess Santa Claus was the first man to ever betray me.

Kenneth:

That must have been difficult.

Liz:

It was. But, uh, it feels good to talk about it. Thanks.

Kenneth:

Miss Lemon, there's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Listening is twice as important as talking. But he gave us ten fingers. He must really want us to poke things! Ahhhh poke! [pokes Liz] Poke poke poke poke! [leaves, poking writers]

Paul's Anniversary Surprise

Jenna:

It's the vacant lot where we had our first face kiss.

Bum:

Who stole my canteen?!

Paul:

Jenna, what we have is so beautiful. People need to see how happy we make each other. And I think we're ready to take that step, so over Christmas I want you to come to Ohio and meet my parents.

Jenna:

What?

Paul:

Happy anniversary. [goes to tongue-touch Jenna, who isn't interested]

Bum:

Hey get a room! Whatever that is.

Jack Counsels Tracy

Jack:

Well, Tracy, I went to the restaurant last night. That place is a disaster.

Tracy:

Dammit, you think I don't know that? I pour more cash into Donald's restaurant than my money pit in Connecticut.

Jack:

You have a house in Connecticut?

Tracy:

No I do not. Jack, I need other investors besides me.

Jack:

What? You're the only one bankrolling this? What about Brown & Folderson?

Tracy:

That's what I call my wallet. I bankrolled every one of Donald's dumb ideas. But what choice do I have? I'm his father.

Jack:

But you're doing him no favours as a business partner or a father. You need to cut him off.

Tracy:

Come on. The boy's only 43 years old.

Jack:

Tracy, listen to me. Not everyone's cut out to be a business man. For example, curly-haired men and people who need glasses.

Tracy:

But I can't crush his dreams!

Jack:

You're not, you're just letting him fly with his own wings!

Tracy:

And I bankrolled that, too. Thank God we tested it with a monkey first.

Kenneth Get Infected

Kenneth:

Oh, Miss Lemon, I'm signing people up for the TGS softball team. So far I have eight no's and twenty-five "shove it up your goon-hole's."

Liz:

Shove it up your goon-hole!

Kenneth:

[nods and writes it down]

Liz:

You know, ever since we had our little talk yesterday I've been doing some thinking.

Kenneth:

Ah, good. If I remember correctly we were discussing men and trust. [sits down]

Liz:

[lies down on couch] Yeah, and it got me thinking about my aunt Linda.

Kenneth:

What was she like?

Liz:

Great. Until she got divorced. My uncle Harry was cheating on her.

Kenneth:

Another male betrayal. Go with that.

Liz:

My parents used to make me go to Linda's house just so she'd have company. I hated those visits.

Aunt Linda:

[flashback] [to Young Liz] Your uncle never liked my cooking. But you do! Right, Elizabeth? [serves Young Liz something that looks like spaghetti with fried eggs on top] You love your aunt Linda! Here's a fun game: put on Harry's cologne and give me a back rub in the bath! [laughs, then cries]

Liz:

To this day whenever I hear someone's getting divorced I can still taste the egg. And I... Oh my God. My trust issues and my food issues are connected. Uncle Harold is the reason eggs make me gag. Kenneth, you're the perfect therapist. I can dump all of my problems on you, walk away, and go move on with my life. It's a win-win!

Kenneth:

[whispers] Why did she have to say "Harold?"

The Pivot

Jenna:

Liz. Last night was a disaster, and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit.

Liz:

What happened?

Jenna:

Paul's idea of moving things forward is me meeting his parents. He said they live in a... soo-borb?

Liz:

Suburb. Come on, Jenna, it's not what you wanted but it's progress.

Jenna:

In the wrong direction.

Liz:

I think I know what's really going on with you and Paul. You're in love and it's terrifying to you. You're trying to sabotage it.

Jenna:

Sabotage? I'm the one trying to make this relationship work. Which is why I'm going to have to be the one to propose the sex tape. Call me old fashioned but I think that's the man's job. [leaves]

Liz:

Jack! I found a therapist and I've made some big breakthroughs! [eats egg and talks through a mouth full of egg] I know you don't know what this means, but I'm eating eggs again.

Jack:

I know it means this conversation is disgusting.

Liz:

[laughs through a mouth full of egg]

Donald Get Cut Off

Jack:

Okay. Donald is on his way up. I know cutting him off is hard but it's your duty as a parent-

Jack:

Tracy. Do not laugh at the word "duty." Be strong. Be rational. No emotion.

Tracy:

Unemotional. Got it.

Donald:

Daddy! What's going on?

Tracy:

[crying] I just love you so much!

Donald:

I love you too, daddy!

Jack:

Okay stop it! Donald, what Tracy is trying to tell you is that you're an adult and he will no longer support you financially.

Donald:

Is that true, daddy?

Jack:

For the love of God stop calling him daddy!

Tracy:

It is true, little man. But I need you to be a big boy on this. You're just not meant to be a business man.

Donald:

Fine. I'll be okay. I got other ideas, like a micro brewery that also serves frozen yogurt. I'm gonna call it... Microsoft.

Jack Fixes Kenneth

Liz:

I have this recurring dream... Actually is it recurring if you wake yourself up with a [snorts] and then return to it? Anyway, in the dream I'm a baby but my parents left me on the top of the car by accident...

Kenneth:

[hears Liz through a dreamy haze as he writes "Harold" over and over on his notepad]

This is exactly why I told you to see a professional. You dump your problems on some half-baked Barney Fife and you start a chain reaction of mental anguish. [shows Kenneth's notepad to Liz] Look what you've done to him.

Liz:

But he's such a good listener and he takes my insurance.

Jack:

[closes door on Liz] I'm going to help you. Lie down. Put your mental burden in my mind vice, and I will crush it. Kenneth, who is Harold?

Kenneth:

He... was a role model of mine growing up.

Jack:

[whispers] Please let Harold be human.

Kenneth:

Harold was a pig. You see, my father passed when I was just a young boy. After that I was alone a lot, and awful sad. But that pig saved me. In some ways, Harold was the only thing I had that was like a father.

Jack:

You had a void to fill. Continue.

Kenneth:

Then one day my momma told me we had to sell him. I knew what that meant. Harold was off to the slaughterhouse.

Jack:

I know it's difficult-

Kenneth:

I'm not done, sir. It gets worse. With Harold gone there was nothing keeping me at home. It was time for me to move to New York and follow my dreams, but I needed $300 for the river ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket. And that's when I saw the sign.

Kenneth:

[flashback, Kenneth sitting under "Pig Eating Contest, First Prize: $300] I knew I could win that contest. I once ate an entire witch. A pig was nothing. And then.. they brought me mine. I would have recognized those eyes anywhere.

Jack:

Kenneth, no.

Kenneth:

It was Harold. And I ate all of him. Even the face in case of a tie.

Jack:

Good God!

Kenneth:

I ate him, sir! I ate my father-pig! [screams]

Jack:

Okay. Or... you gave his death meaning. His sacrifice made you what you are today, which is the lowest level employee at the last-place network in America!

Kenneth:

I guess that is true. Thank you, sir. I'll think on that. And you're sure you're okay hearing about all of my problem?

The restaurant was crazy today. During nude hour I got custard all over my penis. [enters] What's going on in here?

Jenna:

You want to take this to the next level? Let's videotape our lovemaking, pretend the tape got stolen, and let the whole world see.

Paul:

Wow, uh, I- I- I dunno, Jenna. I'm pretty beat.

Jenna:

I see. Fine. I guess we're just done having any adventure or excitement in our lives.

Paul:

Well, jeez. I'm sorry that I'm happy with the way things are. I mean, come on, why can't we just paint each other's toenails, watch vintage pornography, and then go to bed in our swing like a normal couple.

Jenna:

Because it's boring! [sighs] We might as well be married!

Paul:

Okay this isn't about us being adventurous. This is about you being afraid to settle down with me.

Jenna:

That's not true!

Paul:

Fine! Let's do this tape. But then what? What- what will you want next?

Jenna:

Well there's this sex resort in Japan where white people are treated like slaves.

Paul:

No, Jenna! You're making it impossible to live up to your expectations!

Jenna:

What are you saying?

Paul:

I'm saying adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child is everything that I need, but if that's really not enough for you, tell me now.

Jenna:

[lets go of Paul's hands] I'm sorry.

Paul:

Very well. I'm not going to beg you. I have my dignity. [puts on his Jenna wig] I trust you to fairly divide up our panties. I'll come get them tomorrow while you're at work. [leaves]

Happy Ending

Kenneth:

Oh, Miss Lemon. I have another message from Captain Burnett. Please don't get sad and remember things and infect me again!

Liz:

Kenneth, it's okay. I'm not worried about Carol anymore. I'm just sorry I messed you up like that.

Kenneth:

Don't worry. I had my brain cleaned by Mr. Donaghy. Oh I told him everything. How Harold was more-

Daddy, I wanted to give you your share of our profits before I shut down my dream. [hands Tracy a pink coat] Someone left it in coat check. [walks off]

Jack:

Tracy, listen to me. I was wrong. Don't turn your back on Donald.

Tracy:

Too late! Look how we're positioned!

Jack:

Kenneth told me a story earlier. A story about fathers and sons and despite my best effort it unearthed a memory from my own childhood. As a boy I wanted to be an astronaut or a deep-sea diver or a man of science, but I was raised by Jimmy Donagy, a man who projected his own failed dreams onto his family. When I was in third grade my class put on a science play. The night before, Jimmy came home drunk and found me rehearsing my lines. I was struggling with the science terms and Jimmy laughed and said [in an Irish accent] "Well looky here. Doctor Jack, the boy who wants to be a scientist. Chowderhead can't even say the words! You'll never be nothing!" The next day I was up on that stage. I looked out at the audience, I saw Jimmy and I froze.

Jack:

[flashback] I am a proton. Protein! All living orgasms. I mean orgasms!

Jimmy Donaghy:

[flashback] Chowderhead can't even say the words!

Jack:

When I got home I threw away my microscope, my shell collection, my map of the stars.

Tracy:

[coughs] Nerd.

Jack:

A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything. Says they're beautiful even when they're ugly. Thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State. Let the rest of the world tear your kid down. Your job is to support him no matter what. Tracy believes in you, Donald. Go and make him proud.

Donald:

That's a nice long speech and all, but your daddy was right. You couldn't be a scientist. You couldn't even be protein in a school play. And I can't run a business. I'm a failure. [walks away]

Jack:

[yells after Donald] I... am a protein. All living organisms need me to function. A basic building block of the human body, I'm made from amino acids found in ribosomes. Proteins give energy to everything from flower and butterflies to heroes who turn in Communists. I am a protein.

Donald:

Daddy, can I have fifty thousand dollars to start a business where people can call in and get air quality reports from all across the United States? I'm gonna call it...

Jack:

Donald, no.

Donald:

...American Airlines!

Tracy:

And it's going to work, son! [hugs Donald and weeps]

Epilogue

Liz:

[to unmasked Godzila] This is what happens when you work at being happy. Godzilla sits next to you while you're eating an egg salad sandwich. What a world!

Godzila:

What's the point? I moved here to make it on Broadway. Now look at me. I'm pathetic. I've got no real skills, a degree in theatre tech, so you move back to Pennsylvania, live with your parents. All of your old friends have kids and careers and what do you have? Maybe your name on a TV show that no one will even remember. Should have moved to Cleveland with that guy when I had the chance!