Getting divorced will have a big impact on your children and family life. It’s important that you and your ex make a big effort to maintain a cordial relationship. Your child is more likely to try to use your divorce to his advantage if he observes his parents being unkind to each other. To avoid this scenario set a good example and create a positive and cooperative environment. If your children understand that you and your ex are not in competition with each other, he is less likely to attempt to exploit the situation.

Steps

Method1

Helping Your Child Deal with the Divorce

1

Try to see things from your child’s point of view. If you are getting divorced, you will be going through a difficult and emotional period. It is important, however, that you pay attention to how your children are experiencing the divorce. Your kids will have their own perspective on what is happening and it’s helpful if you can try to see things from their perspective.

Children, especially young children, will have a hard time understanding the situation and the complicated reasons behind your divorce.

Children will try to figure out an explanation, and this often lead to them blaming themselves.

Try to understand how strange the situation is for your kids and always shield them from any animosity you feel towards your ex.[1]

2

Appreciate how adolescents and teens may view your divorce. For older children, the experience of parents getting divorced can be quite different. Teens and adolescents will have a better understanding of the emotional complexities of the situation, and they might situate this major change within the context of their own changes as they grow up.

Teens are more likely to hold their parents accountable for the divorce than younger children.

They might require more a thorough explanation of what has gone wrong, and they may seek to apportion blame to one party over the other.

You should understand that anger is a natural reaction to someone’s parent’s getting divorced, but the cause of this anger is pain about the perceived breaking up of the family.

Teens may also interpret your divorce as an indicator that they will struggle to build lasting relationships in their lives.[2]

3

Be a good listener. To help you get a clearer view of how your children are experiencing the divorce, it’s important that you encourage them to explain their feelings to you.[3] If your kid is struggling to explain his feelings, help him by asking questions and legitimizing his emotions. You might say something like “I know you’re sad. Can you tell me what’s making you feel sad?”

Let him know his feelings are valid by saying “I know it’s lonely without Dad here”.

Pay attention to what he says and ask him what will help him to feel better.

This can be a very difficult experience, but the more you can talk about it, the better you will understand each other.[4]

4

Recognise how much your kids learn from you. To try avoid any behaviour or reactions from your kids in which they seek to take advantage of your divorce, or play one parent off against the other, it’s crucial that you recognise how much of an impact your behaviour has on their responses. Children learn by watching and interacting with their parents and others around them, and young children in particular will find it hard to separate themselves from their parents.[5]

If you start to blame your ex for the divorce, or criticise him in front of your kids, they might start doing this too.

Don’t fight or argue with your ex in front of your children. This can be very distressing for them, and will foster a negative atmosphere.[6]

Talking with a divorce counsellor or mediator is one way to air your grievances without involving the kids.[7]

5

Set an example for your child. It can help to think of your actions as setting a positive example for your children. If you show patience and flexibility, as well as being polite and friendly, your kids will see you and your ex respecting each other. Having clear examples of good behaviour can influence how your kids respond to the situation. You’re the adults so it’s up to you to create a positive and cooperative atmosphere.

If you can make it clear that you and your ex are not competing over the kids, you will help create a more cooperative and less conflictual environment.

If your child sees you and your ex challenging each other and competing for his affection, he is more likely to adopt these behaviours and take advantage of the situation.

Method2

Create a Positive Environment and Example

1

Maintain communication with your ex. It’s very important that you can maintain a civil and cordial relationship with your ex. If you never speak, it will be easier for your child to take advantage of the situation and play you off against each other. It can be difficult, especially immediately after an acrimonious divorce, but you have to put your children first. It may be easiest to keep things professional, with open lines of communication, but clear limits on your interactions.

Just being polite to each other can make a difference and will affect how your child experiences the divorce.

Try to take the emotion out of your encounters and keep it business-like.

If you find talking face-to-face or over the phone difficult, email and text messages can be good ways to keep the lines of communication open.

If you are respectful, you will encourage your ex to treat you in the same way.

Don’t use your child as a go between. It’s important that you don’t end up using your child as go between, messenger, or even a peacemaker, between you and your ex. If there is a disagreement between you, or communication breaks downs, remember it is your responsibility to sort it out. You should keep your issues away from your kids, or else you will be putting your children into the centre of their parent’s conflict.[9]

Using your child as a go between, puts him in a difficult and pressurised situation.

It also enables him to more easily play you off against one another.

3

Show some flexibility. Parenting after divorce requires clear communication and a clear understanding. It also demands some flexibility and patience from everybody involved. Maybe you have an arrangement in place that falls through with very little notice, or your ex is late to pick up your child and you miss an appointment.[10]

Keep your calm, and don’t criticise your ex in front of your child. This will encourage them to think that it’s okay to get between you.[11]

Try to understand these things will happen to both of you at different times, so take it on the chin.

Aim to create an atmosphere of compromise and cooperation between you and your ex. This will radiate down to your child.

4

Have a consistent approach. It’s important to maintain consistency in the parenting of both you and your ex in certain areas. Doing this will help establish a clearer framework of behaviour and your kids will better understand the expectations. If rules are clear and consistent there is less possibility for your children to try to take advantage of the divorce, or complain of unfair treatment form parent compared to the other.[12]

Try to have clear understand of the rules and how they will be enforced by each parent. Things such as homework, curfews, and chores should be consistent across both houses.

If rules are broken, you need to similar responses from each parent. You can connect the two houses in certain instances.

For example, if your child has TV lost his privileges at his father’s house, you can follow through with this when he returns to your house.

You should try to have consistency in daily schedules, such as mealtimes and bedtimes. Having regular daily patterns can help your child adjust to the upheaval more easily.[13]

5

Allow your children time to adjust. When you are splitting custody your child will find himself suddenly torn between two homes, so it’s important that you give him time and space to adjust to the new arrangements. There may be times when he wants to spend more time with one parent than the other, but you should try not to take this personally.[14]

Keep to the schedule that you and your ex have developed, but consider involving your child in the discussions.

Try to be flexible and adapt to your child’s needs. It might simply be more convenient for them to spend more time in one place due to school, work, friends or sports commitments.

Always put your child’s needs first and avoid fighting over the visitation schedule.

Community Q&A

If your kid is genuinely happy about your divorce, they probably recognized the same issues you did, and this should validate your decision. Just make sure they're truly okay with it, and not hiding their true feelings to please you or because they're embarrassed.