The Internet is a wonderful place. With message boards, chat rooms, search engines, forums and social networks, it’s a phenomenal way to let yourself be heard. It’s also a phenomenal place to hear some of the things being heard. The terrifying, weirdly sexualized, and unnecessary musings of the Internet that will often never see the light of day. Enter our new column, designed to unearth some of the most fascinating aspects of the web; fan fiction.

This week we’re proud to bring you three tales from the far corners of the Internet; their common factor? An obsessed and incredibly loyal fanbase. Oh, and the salty-sweet reckoning of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Between Xena, Twilight and My Little Pony, there are some very strange and very terrifying pieces of fanfiction out there (yes, some even with awkward youtube narration). There’s cannibalism, there’s lesbianism, there’s a sliver of racism; nearly everything you can imagine, it’s all here. KFC really does bring people together.

To put it bluntly, this is a lesbian fanfic about Xena and Gabriel (no surprises on that front), wherein they suck, lick and moan their way through a large meal at KFC. Never mind the fact that there is a KFC their universe. Never mind that this KFC accepts dinars as payment. Never mind that it has apparently existed just a short ride away from their village and they’ve somehow never encountered it before. The visual of Xena flipping through the air and letting out a battle cry only to land in front of a KFC’s glass doors is worth it enough. There’s some strangely descriptive work here, whether it’s their server assembling every last fucking detail of their meal or the digging and licking of Xena’s fingers into a pot of potatoes. The spelling however, is enough to drive anyone crazy. “Thier?” “Smeel?” “Smileing?”OK, whatever. Good effort, Shnorkel. Sort of.

Choice Lines:

“Xena’s strong arms wrapped around the Amazon Queen at that moment, embracing her into a warm hug., something the raven haired beauty didn’t do often. She stroked her soulmates soft blonde hair as she comforted her. ‘Come on, come with me and we’ll get a real feast!’”

“Xena’s signature warcry rung out through the surrounding trees as she sprung into the air, flipping and landing at the entrance to a fair sized tavern, she was soon joined by Gabrielle who was looking up at the building in awe. The roof was made of red bricked tiles, there was a sign that was kind of shaped like a pail, it had some old guys face painted on it and it said ‘KFC’.”

“ Shanni collected thier payment of five dinars and set off to collect thier food for them. She worked quickly and proffesionaly, grabbing original recipe chicken with her tongs with speed and poise, placing them in a small cardboard serving box, she scooped up two boxes of crispy, fresh, seasoned potato chips and grabbed two large pots of steamy, hot, potato and gravy, she then grabbed a small paper bag which also had that old mans face painted on it and scooped up little, golden, chicken nuggets, placeing them into the bag and grabbed a big bottle of fizzy, ice cold, refreshing mountain dew and grabbed two straws, two spoons, two refreshment wipes and two serviettes, she placed all of this skillfully onto a red serving tray infront of the two starving warrior women.”

“Xena’s perfectly white teeth tore through a peice of juicy chicken, the spiced skin tingled her tongue as she bit, chewed and sucked at the perfectly tender chicken, her teeth scraped the small leg bone as she was determined to get every last peice of meat into her mouth.”

“…she dipped her fingers into the soft potato and gravy, then licked the great food from her greasy fingers, her closed tightly as she took in every smell, every touch and every flavour of the magnificent feast before them. Gabrielle’s eyes shon brightly with desire as she ripped a chicken thigh from the box, she ran her tongue along the the steaming, spicey skin, the texture was crunchy, crispy, perfect, she seemed to be in heaven as the juicy chicken rolled around in her mouth.”

“Thy both seemed to have been letting out involuntary moans of pleasure as they were digging into the food like it was the last meal they were ever gonna eat..or the first they had ever had.”

“And with that, Xena threw a chicken bone, that once had juicy meat wrapped around it, at the bin, which was a perfect shot, earning her a look of surprise from Gabrielle. ‘I have many skills, Gabrielle.’ Xena remarked with her brows raised and her lips curled into a small smile.”

“‘Thats the most fun I’ve had in such a long time, thanks Xena!’ The Amazon Queen exclaimed to the raven haired warrior as she wrapped her arms around her waist and shared a brief, passionate kiss with her lover and soulmate, upon being pulled up onto Argo. ‘Just wait until tonight then.’ Xena replied to her young bard with a little smirk on her face as they rode off, back to Amazonian camping grounds, with stomachs and sattisfied appetites.”

I’m going to come out and say it; this fanfic sucks. It sucks more than the Twilight movies it’s inspired by, which, depending on your own level of sanity, should be saying quite a bit. Essentially, Emmett, who a quick google search revealed is Edward’s brother-in-law, is REALLY anxious to fetch some KFC for Bella. It has less to do with wanting to be helpful and more to do with wanting to be around a TV, I guess, though of course this is all lost on me as a non-fan. The long and short of it is that even without knowing this Emmett character, I can’t stand him. He asks “Can I?” a total of 14 times, which somehow makes him fundamentally more obnoxious than Bella or Edward. If this fanfic’s Emmett is a bastardization of an average-to-annoying Twilight character, then I suppose we should all tip our hats to Sweeney for doing the unthinkable, which is embarrass the Twilight series more than it already did for itself. This piece gets one chicken not for insanity but sheer annoyance.

Choice Lines:

“What would you like?’ he asked, pulling away to look at me. Stupid stupid human needs.”

“Can I do it, Edward?!’ He asked, sounding way too excited for a person asking if he could go and get some food. ‘Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!Can ?!’ … ‘Can I peas do it, Edward?’ Pretty peas?Pretty peas with a cherry on top? Pretty peas-’”

“I was in Kentucky, at a KFC resturaunt. I had specifically asked for the kernal, and apparently he wasn’t even here.”

“‘So, you’re telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and the Kernal isn’t even working today?!’ ‘He aint here, he dead.’”

Described as “as dark horror kind of thing,” this My Little Pony fanfic is narrated over a shitty animation of a cartoon pony in a “KFS” bucket. You can also read the tale via the link above but, if given the choice between listening and reading, I enthusiastically suggest listening (you know, just in case you need help filling your daily Awkward Quota). This piece is a great one to end on; in essence, it’s the Sweeney Todd of My Little Pony and it’s so disturbing (albeit a little predictable).

Choice Lines:

“Applejack looked knowingly at her grandmother, and Granny Smith looked knowingly at her granddaughter, and they both smiled.”

“When Applejack was certain that all of her friends had fallen asleep, she blew a whistle. The rest of her family galloped into the dining area, and carried the sleeping ponies to the kitchen.”

“Apple Bloom grabbed some twine and tied up the ponies. Then Applejack took a butcher’s knife and, quickly, hacked off Fluttershy’s head. Fluttershy’s head fell off her neck, her blood spurting on the kitchen floor like a fountain.”

“Apple Bloom had a bowl ready and collected Fluttershy’s blood. ‘This will make delicious sauce,” she said, excitedly.’”

“Her eyes narrowed in anger, remembering her insults, and said, ‘Wake her up. I want to see her eyes as I slowly slit her throat.’ … ‘Die, bitch!’ Applejack laughed. She grabbed Rarity by the mane, and very slowly, slit her throat. Rarity screamed in pain, as her blood squirted out of her neck.”