11.4.08

If you've talked to me lately you know I'm heading on a quest later this month in response to the insanity my body has pulled lately & of course the ultrasound results. I'm going to a specialist, a Gynecologist/Oncologist - which for those of you who are unfamiliar is a "female reproductive organs/cancer specialist" thanks to the complex non-specific mass that is on my left ovary. The blood work that was just ran showed negative for any cancer markers. I'm scared & the fear is met w/ equal parts resolve wanting to finalize what is so strange going on in my innards. There could be biopsy in my future. There could be more pics of my innards in my future - who knows what the future holds. Could be that I'm just fine & my ovary will shrink right on down like it was never unhappy. My lil Frankenovary.

I realize as I type this that I type maybe too much & as soon as that crosses my mind I kill it away by remembering who I am & how I am.Why hide? I know I've put off blathering this all out because I'm twitchy & the last time the tests were being done in the middle of it all Kerry left. I think that is a fair way of putting it. It speaks to my mindset, the alone thing - realizing that last time my breasts were about to be ultrasounded I sat alone in a waiting room wearing only a hospital gown from the waist up trying to not think about his touch. Remembering other lovers and their touch, so many touches. I wondered who would mourn my breasts (aside from you Ira) if I lost them. The best lover I've ever known is dead already, the men & women who've loved my breasts through the years have passed out of my life for the most part without looking back. Now is the moment you look in confusion back to the top paragraph wondering how I jumped tracks again. I'm sitting here contemplating the reality of letting them take a piece if not an organ out. & yes i'm all for a hysterectomy if it means it takes care of the problems. & no, I don't want kids - no trauma there - But the removal of bits of me - beyond me, my control - unmourned by anyone but me. banging around this box alone.& then Di Franco purrs against my back & Obi curls under my chin between the computer & licks my arm before rubbing the top of her head against me. I am loved, I know this & i am happy. I love. We'll roll with this next step just like all the rest. Sweet sleep is calling.