The Empire Strikes Back Against White House Snub Of Death Star Petition

Following the refusal of a petition to build a Death Star, the Dark Side have responded directly to the Obama Administration, claiming they have abandoned this project in the face of superior Galactic Imperial Power.

Of course (and rather unfortunately, as I'd prefer to live in the Star Wars universe) this is fake, a mock-up press release posted on the film saga's official website, which makes for a rather hilarious read. Datelined "Imperial City, Couruscant," it's fair to say they find Obama's lack of faith...disturbing, as they discuss the "overwhelming superiority" of Imperial forces over the United States.

“It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”

The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production

The Empire also see through The White House's excuse of fiscal responsibility as the obvious "cowardice of their choice" it was, with Admiral Conan Mottie of the Imperial Starfleet saying “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated."

So far, The White House has not made a comment. Expect them to soon, as they probably don't want to be left looking like a bunch of half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herders.

Jason England

PRESS RELEASE

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by therecent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”

Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.

Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.

Jason England

I am the Founder and Editor-in-chief of New Rising Media. You can follow me on Twitter @MrJasonEngland.

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