tg issues, weekend, and sleep

To my regular readers, I apologize for not writing as often I should. I am in the throws of another depression brought about by who knows what but I am pretty sure it has to do with my mobility issues and not being able to go to Starbucks as much as I would like. To further complicate matters, there will soon be a bridge on the main road taken out to accommodate the new public transportation line that the scum bag mayor wants. It will be a longer route to the Square (I am told by a friend). This will be the middle of March and will supposedly last for a year. I have never seen bridges taken down and rebuilt in a year’s time so we’ll see.

I also have sort of lost interest in blogging. I knew if I stopped blogging every day this would happen. And it happened. I think there were three days where I didn’t blog or just posted a pic. But it is hard to continue to write when there is little to no feedback. For a while I was writing just for the sake of writing. I kept track of my stats and there were few people who read the blog for that day or the day after. But no likes or comments. I thought I was okay with it and part of me is, but there are some days where I feel like no one will care if I just stopped writing. Hence my little hiatus every now and then. Some days I just write to give an update on what is going on. I hardly every write a blog about the chronic pain and how awful it is. I might but not in the moment because I can get suicidal very quickly, if I am not already suicidal. So if you don’t see me post, this is why. I am either in a rut of depression or I just am not up to blogging.

I’ve been thinking more about top surgery. I asked my sisters what did they think and my youngest was like if you have it done, I need to know so I can take off work. She didn’t care, I guess. Then she asked me if I wanted to be in more pain than I am in. This further made me realize she has no clue about CRPS and how it is. I most likely will be in pain post op from my surgery. But it won’t last forever and I will eventually heal, maybe have to go to PT for a bit, and then be who I am meant to be, provided everything goes according to plan. So, in reality, the decision is mine and only mine to make. Still would like to have some support on the issue, which is what I was looking for. I don’t think “hurry up and give me a date so I can take off work” was what I was looking for.

My middle sister will soon be living here with one or two of her kids. I am not sure. But this is going to be stressful because my sister yells at her kids all the fucking time and has no respect for others but herself. I am hoping she will be living with us just long enough for her to save up the money she needs to get an apartment for herself. I also hope they don’t think they can turn my office into a bedroom because that isn’t going to happen! I am not looking forward to this. The only benefit will be that she will help my mother more than I could, in regards to doing the laundry and dishes and maybe dusting. With these changes, I am not sure I will go ahead and have surgery as it will be quite crowded in the house.

Since Thursday, I have been recovering. Yesterday I went out to get a few things at the grocery store. Last week my sister bought me 5 powerades and they were bad. They were supposed to be lemon-lime but tasted like orange. One I had to throw out because I felt like it was burning my tongue. Another one or two, I diluted with water and that was okay. So yesterday while I was at the store, I bought a few more and looked at the lot number to make sure it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t so I bought three. I also bought my coffee that I was out of.

I pretty much had a resting weekend. Yesterday when I was doing my PT exercises, I still couldn’t move my foot outward without pain. I haven’t tried to do my exercises today yet. I still need to fill my meds boxes for the week. I am officially off the Trileptal. I am kind of sad about this because I have been on it for so long and now I am no longer on it. I hope I won’t have withdrawal symptoms from it. My psychiatrist and I went very slow with it, like we are doing with the Lamictal. I started with 100 mg last week. I think it is adding to my constipation as it has been really hard to go since I have started it. Usually fiber pills save me but even then it takes a few days to work and then I feel awful. I still haven’t found the right combo. I had take two senna today and still nothing! Hope I go later tonight or tomorrow. I hate being backed up.