Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus,
DROMIO of Ephesus,
ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
Say that I linger'd with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
But here's a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

Say what you will, sir,
but I know what I know;
That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

I think thou art an ass.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kick'd; and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHAZAR

Good meat, sir, is common;
that every churl affords.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

BALTHAZAR

Small cheer and great
welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But, soft! my door is lock'd. Go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

Maud, Bridget, Marian,
Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF
SYRACUSE

[Within] Mome, malt-horse,
capon, coxcomb,
idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st
for such store,
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

O villain! thou hast
stolen both mine office and my name.
The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy
name for an ass.

LUCE

[Within] What a coil is
there, Dromio? who are those
at the gate?

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE

[Within] Faith, no; he
comes too late;
And so tell your master.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

O Lord, I must laugh!
Have at you with a proverb--Shall I set in my staff?

LUCE

[Within] Have at you with
another; that's--When?
can you tell?

DROMIO OF
SYRACUSE

[Within] If thy name be
call'd Luce--Luce, thou hast
answered him well.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

Do you hear, you minion?
you'll let us in, I hope?

LUCE

[Within] I thought to have
asked you.

DROMIO OF
SYRACUSE

[Within] And you said no.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

So, come, help: well
struck! there was blow for blow.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

Thou baggage, let me in.

LUCE

[Within] Can you tell for
whose sake?

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

Master, knock the door
hard.

LUCE

[Within] Let him knock
till it ache.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

LUCE

[Within] What needs all
that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

ADRIANA

[Within] Who is that at
the door that keeps all
this noise?

DROMIO OF
SYRACUSE

[Within] By my troth, your
town is troubled with
unruly boys.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

ADRIANA

[Within] Your wife, sir
knave! go get you from the door.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

If you went in pain,
master, this 'knave' would go sore.

ANGELO

Here is neither cheer,
sir, nor welcome: we would
fain have either.

BALTHAZAR

In debating which was
best, we shall part with neither.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

They stand at the door,
master; bid them welcome hither.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

You would say so, master,
if your garments were thin.
Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

Go fetch me something: I'll break ope the gate.

DROMIO OF
SYRACUSE

[Within] Break any
breaking here, and I'll break your
knave's pate.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

A man may break a word
with you, sir, and words are but wind,
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

DROMIO OF
SYRACUSE

[Within] It seems thou
want'st breaking: out upon
thee, hind!

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

Here's too much 'out upon
thee!' I pray thee,
let me in.

DROMIO OF
SYRACUSE

[Within] Ay, when fowls
have no feathers and fish have no fin.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

Well, I'll break in: go borrow me a crow.

DROMIO OF
EPHESUS

A crow without feather?
Master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather;
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

BALTHAZAR

Have patience, sir; O, let
it not be so!
Herein you war against your reputation
And draw within the compass of suspect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this,--your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown:
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be ruled by me: depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it,
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
For slander lives upon succession,
For ever housed where it gets possession.

ANTIPHOLUS
OF EPHESUS

You have prevailed: I will depart in quiet,
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife--but, I protest, without desert--
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
To her will we to dinner.

[To Angelo]

Get you home
And fetch the chain; by this I know 'tis made:
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;
For there's the house: that chain will I bestow--
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife--
Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.