My household voted yesterday. We vote by mail around here, because the person who makes decisions around here votes by mail.

This is my first Presidential election voting by mail. Previously, I always voted in person. I like the feel of democracy in action—your neighbors, whom you always regarded as extremely boring people, suddenly appear in front of the polls, jabbing pamphlets in your face excitedly, trying to convince you that electing their candidate for the Sewer, Drain and Other Big Rusty Pipes Authority is the most important political decision of your life. Then you solemnly sign the Big Book of Voters, after which you get to pull the curtain of the voting booth behind you and, for a moment, feel yourself enveloped by the power of representative government. Or merely claustrophobic.

It’s a somber, almost religious experience, but much more enjoyable than attending church because it doesn’t last nearly as long. That’s the problem with attending religious services, in this column’s opinion—they are exercises in pious tedium. If church consisted of just breezing into a booth and pulling either a “Sin” or “No Sin” lever, more people would go.

But that’s a digression, so let’s get to the point. I’m glad I voted by mail this year because between the state and the city and county of San Diego there were thirty-one separate propositions on the ballot, and sitting at the kitchen table sorting them out was a lot more comfortable than standing in a voting booth squinting at them for forever.

This is direct democracy, which some other states don’t have and for which they should be grateful, because it consists of barely informed people making important governmental decisions, which leaves our politicians free to make speeches, strike poses, and run for re-election instead of making these decisions themselves. When the propositions turn out badly, they are free to say, “Hey, you idiots voted for it, so deal with it. And send me a campaign contribution.”

A lot of the ballot measures were an invitation to instant ennui, but several stood out for their candor. We got to vote on whether we wanted to build a new stadium for our football team to disappoint us in. Our football team has been browned off ever since the city built a new stadium for our baseball team to lose in, while they still have to blow fourth quarter leads in a 70’s style concrete bowl.

I don’t even watch football anymore, because ignoring it is a big timesaver on Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays and we don’t even have to pay for a cable package that includes ESPN, which during football season consists of nothing but husky men barking at each other about football. I voted for the stadium anyway, just because a lot of my friends are football fans and I want them to be happy.

Likewise, weed! Legal weed is coming here, according to the polls. If the pot proposition passes, we Californians won’t have to drive to Oregon or Colorado to light up our blunts legally. Of course, our legislature could have legalized bud on its own, but that would have meant taking responsibility for all of us being stoned out of our gourds, so that wasn’t happening.

I don’t smoke pot, either, because I don’t want to be hungry and paranoid all the time, but a lot of my friends do, and like my football-watching friends, I want them to be happy. And believe me, there is plenty of overlap between those groups. Even though I won’t start smoking it again, I intend to grow a few marijuana plants in my tiny condo yard, just to piss off the HOA, which I consider a moral obligation.

Condoms were on the ballot as well, as we Californians were given the opportunity to vote on whether our in-state porn performers should be required to wear condoms on the job. This struck me as putting the California porn industry at a serious disadvantage, as it would make dozens of the wetter porn categories impossible to film here. Plus, my partner informed me that she prefers her views of large erect penises to be unencumbered by latex, so I bowed to her wishes and voted no.

Oh, yeah, and I voted for Hillary. I suppose the Blessed Virgin could miraculously appear at Trump Tower and endorse The Donald, amid a wondrous display of angels and saints, in a blaze of Heavenly glory that would make the Olympic opening ceremonies look like a wet paper match struck in a root cellar, in which case I might regret having cast my ballot so early, but I’ll risk that.​Don’t think Mother Mary would take a chance on standing that close to him.

I live in Union Township, a township so conservative that it hasn't voted for a progressive since there has been a union. Thus I always vote by mail because I value my skin. I don't even know where my polling place is, though I suspect it's either at local Republican headquarters or the nearest evangelical church, because no one I voted for has a prayer of winning.

Reply

Ricardo

10/27/2016 02:05:25 pm

You should live here, Sr. Muse. You can drive through most neighborhoods without seeing a single Trump yard sign.

Reply

Mark Scheel

10/29/2016 01:47:56 pm

Ricardo,

You see, I told you that my libertarian leanings puts me in the same camp as you on many issues. Now, Dee and I voted yesterday--the early voting option on site. Had I been voting your ballot, I'd have checked the same choices as you on the issues you mention, except, of course, for "Crooked Hillary." Here I voted to throw out most judges, nix a new courthouse, allow hunters the freedom they've always enjoyed to hunt game in season. I presume you mailed your ballot before the latest e-mail scandal broke. And the Palestinian audio of election rigging advocacy by Hill. And the threat of more Wiki-Leaks to come. And the mounting evidence Putin had nothing to do with the hacking--just a Dem strategy. On and on. Anyway, I'd say hell will be close to freezing over before we see condoms and pot on the Mission ballot. LOL Keep those neighbors happy, now! :-) I'm off with my dear Dee to Mass.

"Blessings,"

Mark

Reply

Mark Scheel

10/30/2016 08:57:40 am

Ricardo,

Old KC Mark here again--don't tell me I've left you speechless! Surely some comeback is in order? ;-)
Have a good Sunday.

Mark

Reply

Ricardo

10/30/2016 10:20:25 am

I'm trying to avoid being too harsh with you, friend Mark, so don't beg for a whupping is my advice. If Trump manages to be elected, nothing good will come of it for this country, and the only good that will come of it for the Republican party is that the Trump term will make the war-starting but not finishing, economy crashing Bush II Administration look wise and prudent by comparison.

Reply

Mark Scheel

10/30/2016 05:22:43 pm

Good man Richard,

"Whuppin'"? I was afraid after the one I gave you on Grant, you'd not be able to crawl back from the woodshed! ;-) You'd better read my post again where I ventured that many economic gurus are saying we're in for really hard times whichever candidate is elected due the mismanagement of central bankers, etc. I think that's likely, but Trump might pull us back quicker unless it's a nuclear cloud we're under. Then all bets are off. But suddenly Hill is in real trouble, so the drama in the media proceeds unabated. Ain't it great!

Mark

Ricardo

10/30/2016 05:38:58 pm

Every day on my Yahoo feed there's a link that says the economy is going to crash, and there's another one that says the Dow is headed for 50,000. One's as reliable as the other, and both are as reliable as whatever source you're quoting to support your theory of near-term economic disaster. The rest of the swill you're spewing seems to be cobbled together from propagandists like D'Souza and Breitbart. None of it's true, but you believe what you want to believe. Conspiracy theorists always think they're especially intelligent to have figured out that the world is exactly the way they think it is, but the opposite is true.

Reply

Mark Scheel

10/31/2016 05:14:52 pm

What's your source for declaring it's "not true"? Just being a "liberal" ain't good enough. And "wishing" won't make it so either. (Sorry 'bout the quotes. They're an addiction, like smoking.) ;-)

And here's a link to Politifact, where you can check the statements of D'Souza and his ilk: http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/

But if you prefer to trade conspiracy theories with other elderly people at your favorite breakfast joint, nothing I say will ever stop you. Just try to remember, as you spend your Social Security checks and stretch out those new hips and knees Medicare paid for, all the while bitching about liberals, that conservatives bitterly opposed both those programs. Here's a link to Ronald Reagan's thoughts on Medicare: http://washingtonmonthly.com/2009/08/17/context-matters-even-with-reagan/

I'm sure you're sick of facts by now, so here's a reminder about punctuation: