Welcome to my blog!

Although I became The Match Maven by accident (and what a happy one!), it’s no accident that I’m sharing these thoughts and stories with you. I hope that my insight and experiences, both personal and otherwise, will be entertaining and ultimately useful to you as you embark on your online dating journey. Learn from them. Maybe even laugh at my missteps. But most of all, don’t give up the dream!

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Monday, January 30, 2012

More Than Crumbs...How To Find "The One"

A therapist friend of mine was listening to another friend’s relationship woes. She wisely told him, “You deserve more than crumbs.” And she was absolutely right. It is human to have needs and wants and you are entitled to have the symbiotic relationship you dreamed of. You deserve more than crumbs, however delicious they may seem. You deserve the whole babka. (Side note: Those of you who haven’t had the joy of trying this delicious sweet bread should call Zabar’s immediately!)

There is a big difference between making allowances for your partner in a relationship and giving up what you need.

***

A therapist friend of mine was listening to another friend’s
relationship woes. She wisely told him, “You deserve more than
crumbs.” And she was absolutely right. It is human to have needs
and wants and you are entitled to have the symbiotic relationship you dreamed
of. You deserve more than crumbs, however delicious they may seem.
You deserve the whole babka. (Side note: Those of you who haven’t had the
joy of trying this delicious sweet bread should call Zabar’s immediately!)

There is a big difference between making allowances for your
partner in a relationship and giving up what you need.

But only you can tell the difference and determine what you can
live with and what you can’t live without. You don’t want
to spend the rest of your relationship disappointed in your partner. And
you certainly don’t want to fall prey to the “Something Is Better Than Nothing”
trap.

Online dating gives you a unique opportunity. Not only can
you ask for what you want, but you can also keep an open mind and discover
qualities in your match that you didn’t realize you wanted.

But what if something on your “must have” list is glaringly
missing in your match?

I’m not talking about the fact that he’s an only child when you
were hoping for a big family, or that he can’t afford five-star luxury on a
daily basis. You can get over that, I hope.

But what if there are things you just can’t seem to wrap your
head around? Or worse still, he is everything you thought you
wanted on paper, but your gut is telling you “this is too much work?”

I’ve seen many clients reach this point in their dating
lives. They’ve met a man online that they are excited about, but a huge
roadblock seems to get in the way. Perhaps things are great when you’re
together, but distant when you’re apart. Maybe he’ll (annoyingly!) answer
a phone call with a text. Or he’s slow to call you his girlfriend after months
of dating.

Even as I write this it’s as clear as day: this is not the
person for you. You want your gut to support your investment in
this relationship. Somewhere inside you, you already know if things will
work. There should be mutual respect and adoration. And if he isn’t
making himself available, he isn’t ready for a significant relationship with
anyone else but himself.

Over the course of my time online, I found myself in a series of
relationships that were wrong for me. On paper, they should have been
absolutely right. A mother’s dream…this one’s a lawyer, that one’s a
surgeon-- handsome, successful men. They thought I was attractive
(although one encouraged me to run so I could have a “hot little runner’s
body.” Naturally, I grew self-conscious and tried to take up running.)
They said I was smart, but never really took my opinions into
account. I quickly discovered, I wasn’t seen or valued for the
things I valued in myself. They were too in love with themselves to love
someone else, let alone me. But, truth be told…I knew after about a month
that these relationships were not for me.

So, listen to your gut. I always say, things work in a
relationship until they don’t. So when you hear alarm bells, however
faint, sit with yourself and pay attention to them. What are they telling
you?