I am speaking now to whoever has compromising pictures of Billy Crystal. Please stop blackmailing him.

Have you seen Parental Guidance? How bad could the pictures be? Even if the photos had him and Osama bin Laden eating the hearts of baby pandas, it really doesn’t deserve this type of punishment. Seriously, have you seen the movie?

If blackmail isn’t the case, then I implore the man or woman to whom Billy Crystal and Bette Midler lost the bet to just give them a break. Walking nude up Sunset Strip is OK, dressing like Elmer Fudd and getting between a momma bear and her cubs is fine, but starring in Parental Guidance? You’ve just gone too far!

But If Billy Crystal and Bette Midler voluntarily decided to be in Parental Guidance? Shame on the both of you! Shame on your optometrist for not getting you the correct reading glasses and shame on your accountant for not better handling your finances so that it didn’t have to come to this.

To call the new Billy Crystal/Bette Midler film Parental Guidance a comedy would be akin to calling John Wayne Gacy a decent babysitter, Glenn Beck pro-liberal, and the State of Utah “Mormon-free.”

To say I hated Parental Guidance would be an understatement. I despised it. It represents everything that is wrong in Hollywood. Whether you love or hate Billy Crystal, he is a talented performer. The material he was given is simply the lamest, most unoriginal and insipid ever committed to paper.

There is so much wrong with this film I don’t know where to begin. The basic plot is this: Billy Crystal and Bette Midler are grandparents called to watch their grandkids for five days while their daughter and son-in-law take a much-needed vacation.

They take the chance to win the hearts of the grandkids to be the “favorite grandparents.” Meanwhile, they must get used to the New Age parenting techniques of their over-protective daughter. Mix their old school wisdom, love and laughter and you’ll find yourself kicking in your television screen while simultaneously punching yourself in the face.

It’s horrible! I’m getting enraged just summarizing its stupid plot! Billy Crystal and his stupid smugness and cornball humor mixed with Bette Midler, who I’d say was phoning it in, but only after having someone dial the phone and hold the receiver up to her head.

The biggest problem with the movie is that people like this don’t exist (thank God!). The concept could have worked out to be a cute little film if someone had taken the horrible screenplay, set it on fire, collected the ashes and shot them into a black hole in space, then came up with a new idea and tried to infuse it with anything that could resemble real life and humor.

Instead we are left with a script that seems as if it was written by a robot whose only interaction with reality was watching The Brady Bunch and reading the comics from Bazooka Joe Gum.

I am not even sure what the target audience is for this film. It’s insulting to anyone over the age of 58 because it portrays them as having no idea as to what Facebook or Twitter are, let alone how any technology that was invented in, say, the last 15 years works. Billy Crystals character is completely oblivious even though he has college interns who would be probably be on their smart phones checking statuses rather than listening to his cornball jokes.

The script is also loaded with a bunch of vomiting, urinating and defecating gags in what is an eerie prediction of all the things I felt like doing in the direction of the script. It has the feel of a throwback to the comedies of the ‘80s, as in 80 AD to 89 AD, and even then, these jokes along with Billy Crystal’s act were considered stale.

If you’re looking for a good way to spend 90 minutes, I suggest passing a kidney stone rather than wasting your time and money on this disaster.

Silver Linings Playbook

Here we have the complete opposite of Parental Guidance. If you’re looking for a good film to rent, here it is. Silver Linings Playbook will keep you entertained and make you feel happy.

The movie was nominated for eight Academy Awards including Best Picture as well as being on practically ever film reviewer’s Top Ten list. Did it deserve all these accolades? Absolutely.

The film boasts terrific performances, great directing and a screenplay that was written by someone who cared, unlike Parental Guidance. The story deals with Philadelphia native Pat Solitano, Jr. (Bradley Cooper) and his attempts to overcome his breakdown after catching his wife cheating on him.

He desperately wants to get a letter to his ex-wife, with whom he feels that he can still work things out. Then he meets Tiffany Maxwell (Jennifer Lawrence), a mess herself, who agrees to get the letter to his ex if he helps her rehearse for an upcoming dance competition.

The film has drama but also a lot of laughs. Rent Silver Linings Playbook and let Hollywood know that quality and storytelling still count for something.