Tips for Murray to keep the press of his back

Came across this article online thought you might like to read its pretty funny stuff lol

What a wonderful tribute to Her Majesty's press that Andrew Murray - despite being one of the few teenagers in the land not to have an A-level in media studies - can already foresee his career in cuttings.Barely had he stepped from the court after that remarkably spirited performance against Roger Federer in Bangkok on Sunday than he was telling an interviewer that the only thing that really fazed him were the British papers. "I've watched Henman go through it the last 10 years," he said. "Hopefully they'll be a bit nicer to me than they have been to him."

Mm. I would wish him the best of luck with that one, but frankly anyone with a passing knowledge of the nature of the beast will concede that however stellar his talent, if he is to avoid Henman's undeserved mauling, this is a time for prayers. In no particular order, then, a few supplications on Andy's behalf.

1. Let him keep vomiting on court. That spectacular double puke at the US Open - what better way to put a little regurgitated water between himself and the Timster?

2. Let him not become a property developer. Hard to pick the least appealing moment in last year's Mail on Sunday property section interview, in which Henman discussed his sideline in doing up houses in affluent Barnes. But the moment where he explained why conservatories were now referred to as orangeries probably stole it.

3. Let him stay wary of taking a compliment. Last summer, Murray declined to go a bundle on the inevitable news that people had renamed Henman Hill Murray Mount. Murray Field would be preferable, his mum explained blithely. "Andy feels Murray Mount sounds a bit posh for him."

4. Let his mum not go changing. Judy Murray's irrepressible pride is a joy to watch, particularly after several years of watching Henman père make the Easter Island monument look rubber-faced.

5. Let him continue being faintly disparaging about Wimbledon. During his Soccer AM appearance a few weeks ago, Andy had no qualms about revealing he far preferred the US Open to SW19. The reason? Less stuffy, and they play rock music at the end change. Had any of the All England bigwigs not been listening to Classic FM at the time, buttons would surely have popped off blazers.

6. Let him marry Charlotte Church.

7. Let him shun washing powder adverts. Tim, Tim, Tim... Stripping down to nothing but a strategically placed tennis bag for the Ariel shilling did not satirise your squeaky clean image. And don't start us on the Robinson's fruit juice. Permissible outings for Andy would include something ironically amusing for Irn Bru, or your basic high-budget sportswear ad. For reasons too complex to detail here, it is always preferable to be the smiling face of third-world sweatshops than it is to push barley water.

8. Let him beware tennis "fans". Andy's a bright boy, so he will hopefully already be aware that of the thousands who will don giant jesters' hats and T-shirts sporting one letter of his name at Wimbledon, about 12 actually understand his sport. Indeed, many actually think they are queueing overnight for the Harrods sale, but this will not stop them bandying the word "choker" around in the event of a defeat.

9. In fact, let someone explain to the above what a choker is. Perhaps someone - anyone - could point out that Henman is sometimes beaten by poor players because his bad concentration results in his game falling apart. This is not choking. His record under pressure and against top players is very strong, particularly at Wimbledon where he has almost consistently only been beaten by the winner of the tournament.

10. Let him win Wimbledon next year in a five-set thriller against Federer. Sorry, Andy. Unfortunately, in the end, none of us can help ourselves.

Don't get carried away, Sven

It is most enlightening to learn from a Guardian poll that 51% of people believe Sven-Goran Eriksson should continue as England manager.

After all, another recent poll revealed 51% of people believed Africa's problems were homegrown. In another, 51% believed the current level of immigration was putting community relations at risk. In fact, in the past year, 51% of people have found brunettes more attractive, would let their daughter marry a footballer, would like to see private companies providing a greater share of public services, use blindfolds during sex, and can identify a picture of Geri Halliwell.

In response to the questions about Andy's private life, I can reveal the following:

In a secret service yesterday, Andy Murray, the promising young tennis player from Dunblane, Scotland, has married the current Miss World. The over-joyed new Mrs Murray was quoted as saying:

"That one kiss in Bangkok just did it all for me. We just found that we have so much in common, and our hair is the same length as well. We also both like playing with balls for a living"

Following the ceromony, the loving couple found that there was not sufficient time for them to become more closely acquainted. Therefore Andy arranged for a power-failure during his second round match in Mons, during which the marriage was consumated. Upon returning to court Andy struggled in his first service game before eventually taking the set and the match. Andy is currently receiving treatment for a groin-strain received at some stage between the match started and finished.

The couple hope to have children at some stage in the future, and have not ruled out the name "Roger" for a boy. However, both said that "Tim" or "Greg" would not be an option.

Nowt wrong with balls. My JR would so love to have his back. :twisted: Unfortunately I and the vet decided he'd be better off without.

Dont you think Rog was more enamoured of Miss Universe than Andy? She looks totally the wrong type of gal for him.

Now Rog and the lovely Mirna worry me. She rules his life! Watch it Rog. It could all end in disaster. Making your girlfriend your manager and accountant is just storing up potential law suits. You need a supportive, loving gf. Not one who is financially involved. :?

Now Rog and the lovely Mirna worry me. She rules his life! Watch it Rog. It could all end in disaster. Making your girlfriend your manager and accountant is just storing up potential law suits. You need a supportive, loving gf. Not one who is financially involved.

Now, these are my thoughts exactly. This woman has no life outside of following Roger around - I, personally, would be bored stupid - it's not healthy! Having said that, neither is my obsession with an 18 year old and this bl@@@y website!