Leaving a Legacy: Spiritual-Ethical Wills

By Rachael Freed, LICSW, LMFTSeveral years ago I presented my 5-year-old
granddaughter, Sophie, with a blank book, a
granddaughter-grandmother journal. This journal, I explained, was
just for us. She wouldn't have to share it with any of the other
grandchildren. Each time we were together we would write or draw in
our special journal, then we'd put it away in a secret place in my
writing room. Because Sophie wasn't writing yet, I would be the
scribe and she could decide what we would write about. When she was
a little older, we would share responsibility for the writing.

Sophie's eyes sparkled as we looked excitedly at all the blank
pages. She picked out a pink marker, printed her name on the first
page, and beautified it with a heart or two. Witnessing the birth
of a natural journal writer, I imagined the wonderful events,
thoughts and feelings that would fill this record of our
relationship. As Sophie looked up at me with her innocent, dark
eyes, she happily exclaimed, "Oh, I get it, Granny! Then when
you're dead I'll know everything that we did together."

She got it! My eyes filled with tears, my heart with the
bittersweet reality of love and death - the truth she so easily
understood and accepted. One day she would have our special
journal, and I wouldn't be here to enjoy her anymore.

Documenting a legacy addresses a deep need to be remembered, a need
we all share. It implies an awareness of mortality, an
acknowledgment that one day we will no longer be alive. This is a
difficult certainty to confront. Yet throughout history, women have
cared for the dying, comforted mourners and laid out the dead. Our
intimacy with birth and death makes us part of a worldwide
community of women who greet these wonders with love and awe. Above
all, it teaches us that death, like life, is precious and sacred.
Legacy writing is an opportunity to honor our death as well as our
life, clearly communicating how we want to be remembered. We can
express idiosyncratic wishes related to our death, funeral and
burial, and we can ask our families to honor these wishes. In
Genesis, where the ethical will originated, Jacob first blessed his
sons and then instructed them to return his body to his ancestors'
burial place:

"I am about to be gathered to my kin. Bury me with my fathers in
the cave which is in the field of Ephron the Hittite, the cave
which is in the field of Machpelah, facing Mamre, in the land of
Canaan, the field that Abraham bought from Ephron the Hittite for a
burial site - there Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried; there
Isaac and his wife Rebekah were buried; and there I buried Leah -
the field and the cave in it, bought from the Hittites." When Jacob
finished his instructions to his sons, he drew his feet into the
bed and, breathing his last, he was gathered to his people.
(Gen.49:29-33)

Because none of us knows when and under what circumstances our end
will come, it's imperative that we document our preferences and
instructions while we are of sound mind. In the following pages we
will examine how we want to be remembered, then we'll organize our
instructions for our survivors. For those who are overwhelmed at
the thought of putting their affairs in order, completing this
chapter will bring a welcome sense of relief. Naturally, the
decisions you make today may change over time. As you update these
sections of your spiritual-ethical will, you might keep a record of
your writings to document your personal growth.

Here are three suggestions from the chapter to stimulate your
reflection and writing:

• A dramatic way to clarify how we want to be remembered by others
is to consider what we've valued most about life on Earth. This
perspective awakens our gratitude to the abundant blessings in our
lives, making the most mundane details seem sacred. Consider what
you have taken for granted. Make a list of what you will miss.

• Imagine that you could take a snapshot of your life at this very
moment. What would you see? How would others remember you? More
importantly, how would you hope to be remembered?

• Many women embrace traditional family or ethnic rituals, imbuing
them with personal meaning. Others create their own death rituals,
hoping to distance themselves from traditions that no longer
provide solace or support. Describe the rituals that are meaningful
to you, and express your reason for wanting to be remembered in
these ways. Write about rituals that you definitely want or don't
want your loved ones to use when celebrating your life or
memorializing your death. You may want to write over time to make
these decisions.

Excerpted from Chapter 10: On Death and Dying, "Women's Lives,
Women's Legacies," a guide to creating a spiritual-ethical will as
a legacy to pass to future generations, by Rachael Freed.