Real Madrid's Bid for Gareth Bale: What Else Can £100m Buy?

Tottenham Hotspur have reportedly rejected an £85 million bid from Real Madrid for Gareth Bale and want them to round it up to a nice even £100 million (in what could possibly be the most expensive bout of OCD ever recorded), as claimed by Tom Hopkinson of The Mirror.

You really have to stop and ask yourself, "Is one human being worth £100 million?" Especially a human being that is very unlikely to bring about world peace, cure any diseases or invent plates made out of bacon.

100 million British pounds sterling.

116 million Euros.

154 million U.S. dollars.

166 million Australian dollars.

55 billion Zimbabwe dollars.

No matter what currency it is in, that amount with the right accountant and a bit of thought could be used to buy other things than the rights for one man from Cardiff to play football for you for a few years.

So, should Real Madrid have a change of heart and want to spend that amount on other things, we have a few suggestions.

29% of Liverpool FC

Alex Livesey/Getty Images

Simon English of The Sun reported this week that the Fenway Sports Group are looking to sell Liverpool Football Club for £350 million.

Now, before John W, Henry hits Twitter to raise questions about our levels of intoxication, we must point out that FSG have denied they are trying to sell, as reported in the Liverpool Echoby James Pearce.

But when you consider they paid £300 million for the club back in 2010 and that since then, the biggest change to the squad has been the addition of striker and stranger-to-controversy, Luis Suarez, for whom they reportedly want £50 million for, £350 million isn't a bad estimate.

One hundred million is 29 percent (rounded up to the nearest whole number) of 350 million.

So never mind paying for 100 percent of one Premier League footballer. Real Madrid can have 29 percent of a Premier League team for that money.

Before you say it, we will hold our hands up and acknowledge anyone who is willing to pay £16.5 million for Darren Bent in 2013 is out of their mind. Or Harry Redknapp.

Hang on a second!

Whatever happened to the Real Madrid and Tottenham "partnership" that evolved from that Luka Modric deal? Tottenham claimed that meant "working together in respect of players, coaching, best practices and commercial relationships," as the Daily Mail reported last year.

What part of this whole keep-offering-money-until-Spurs-give-in-or-Bale-becomes-unsettled business falls under "working together in respect of players, coaching, best practices and commercial relationships"?

10 17-Year-Old Gareth Bales

If Spurs manage to get Real Madrid to pay £100 million for Bale, who will the most unhappy set of fans be?

Tottenham Hotspur fans because they have lost their star player or Real Madrid fans because their club is paying so much for one player?

Neither. It will be Southampton fans, because when their club sold 17-year-old Gareth Bale to Spurs in 2007, the BBC reported, "Southampton said Spurs will make an immediate payment of £5m, with further additional payments that could see the transfer fee rise to £10m."

After 203 games and nine years, it’s safe to guess the fee rose to £10 million. Which might have been a good deal for a teenager at the time. But in hindsight, they could have sold him for more—900 percent more, in fact.

Southampton are the guy on Deal Or No Deal who took the banker's offer of £10,000 only to find £250,000 in their box. The fools.

Buy All of Phoenix, Arizona a Real Madrid Home Shirt with “BALE 11” Printed

OR...

...if Real Madrid get wind of Spurs' genius idea to convert all of Slovenia (and Portishead, Somerset) into Tottenham Hotspur safeholds, they could do the same. Pull out of the Bale deal and buy every person who lives in the US city of Phoenix, Arizona a Real Madrid home shirt.

But not just any Real Madrid home shirt. With that money you could buy each Phoenixian a Real Madrid home shirt with "BALE" and the number "11" printed on the back.

Why pay all that money for one man with Gareth Bale's name and number (we'll admit that one person would be the actual Gareth Bale) when you could have nearly one and a half million people with Gareth Bale's name and number (we'll admit none of those people would be the actual Gareth Bale)?

Pay for Kim Kardashian to Get Married Another 15 Times

Kim and Kris' marriage lasted 72 days before they filed for divorce. With such a sharp marriage to divorce turnaround, Kim will be getting married many more times in her life. At $10 million a go, the transfer fee for Gareth Bale could instead pay for her next fifteen ceremonies.

All of them will probably be televized.

Do you want the link to the QPR shop again, Real Madrid?

Instead of buying Gareth Bale, what would you buy with £100 million/$153 million? Put your answers in the comments below.