Why I Won’t be Observing Yom HaShoah this Year

For children of Holocaust survivors, every single day is Holocaust Remembrance Day.

I am the daughter of a Holocaust survivor. This year I will not be observing Yom Hashoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day. I didn’t observe it last year, or the year before. That’s because for children of Holocaust survivors, every single day is Yom Hashoah.

Growing up in a family where one or both parents are survivors is traumatic. Our homes were occupied by members of our immediate families and by the souls of those murdered by the Nazis. My life had to have enough meaning to justify my own existence and had to compensate for the unlived lives of my martyred relatives. My burden was immense, but it seemed entirely appropriate. Survivor’s guilt was dispensed in large doses and we all opened wide. I might not have had a number tattooed on my forearm, but it certainly felt that way.

My life had to have enough meaning to justify my own existence and had to compensate for the unlived lives of my martyred relatives.

Some survivors were able to talk about their wartime experiences while others were not. Even those who kept silent during the day were unable to suppress their memories at night and would cry out in their sleep, reliving their terror and broadcasting it to everyone in the house. My father almost never talked about what happened to him during the war. He also never screamed out at night because he was so plagued by his memories that he couldn’t sleep long enough to have a nightmare. Each morning, as I stepped into the living room, I came face to face with the telltale signs that he had spent much of the night there. The pages of the Yiddish daily newspaper, The Forward, were on the floor in a messy pile, the three sofa pillows which my mother meticulously placed on the long sofa were either stacked on the loveseat where my father rested his head as he reclined to read, or lay in disarray on the carpet, having tumbled off. His transistor radio, his other nocturnal companion, stood silently on the end table. It was Yom Hashoah.

Although my father was a man of few words, his character and courage spoke for him. The night the Nazis came to his house in search of his older brother, my 15-year-old father stepped forward and said that he was the one they were looking for. Although he was two years younger than his brother, my father was taller and easily passed for the oldest son. That night the Nazis took my father away.

Like all children of Holocaust survivors, I feel like I am a survivor. We are known as second-generation survivors or 2Gs. Like my father, I am one of those people who doesn’t like talking, thinking or reading about it. Me, join a tour group to Eastern Europe to visit the concentration camps? Place myself where others disembarked from the cattle cars? Picture the confusion and hysteria of mother and child being separated? Make physical contact with ash-laden earth and relive moments in history that are seared into my memory as if I had lived through them myself?

Never. Why would I want to come face to face with memories that my folks spent years suppressing?

When I was 18 and touring Israel with a group, we visited Yad Vashem. Entering the exhibit hall, I felt flooded with feelings I wasn’t equipped to face. I had to leave. I made my way out and sat down on the ground leaning against the building. A soldier approached and asked if I was okay. My answer was nothing more than a silent and sad glance upward. He sat down next to me. He didn’t try to engage me in dialogue or offer words of comfort. He realized that all I needed was to sit mournfully and he, both a stranger and a brother, offered the only comfort possible – silent companionship. Together, we observed Yom Hashoah.

Despite my parents’ silence about the war, I knew that they had survived it and their family members had not. All my parents’ friends were survivors. They were joined by a common language, Yiddish, and their relationship was more of a kinship than a friendship. Anything and everything we children experienced was seen through the prism of the Holocaust. My parents may have escaped death, but life was always lived in its shadow. It’s commonly known that survivors can’t bear to throw food away or waste anything that has even the slightest value – those messages were explicit.

We were granted the gift of life therefore any type of discomfort we experienced could never be worthy of complaint.

Other messages were communicated implicitly. We were granted the gift of life therefore any type of discomfort we experienced could never be worthy of complaint. When I had a stomach ache it was never just a stomach ache. It was Yom Hashoah. I would automatically think about how painful it must have been to starve to death. When walking home from school in the snow, my fingertips were never just frost bitten. It was Yom Hashoah. I conjured up the image of thousands of men and women standing outside in the bitter cold during an appell, a roll call. When I turn the pages of a newspaper, it’s never just a pastime. It’s Yom Hashoah. My mind wanders as I imagine my father wrapping newspaper around his legs to keep warm as he worked laying railroad tracks somewhere in Nazi-occupied Europe. When I get a delivery from Amazon, it’s never just about opening the box to discover its contents. It’s Yom Hashoah. I hold that empty box in my hand, turning it over, examining it, considering whether it might serve another purpose – throwing away a perfectly good box just seems so wasteful.

I never wondered why I had these feelings. They all seemed natural to me and it wasn't until a few years ago, when I learned about epigenetics, that I understood why.

Dr. Rachel Yehuda, the daughter of Holocaust survivors, is an expert on epigenetics. She is a professor of psychiatry and neuroscience and the director of the Traumatic Stress Studies at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine. During an interviewed in 2015 she said, “The idea is a very simple idea, and you hear it from people all the time. People say, when something cataclysmic happens to them, ‘I’m not the same person. I’ve been changed. I am not the same person that I was.’ And epigenetics gives us the language and the science to be able to start unpacking that.”

Epigenetics tells us that traumatic events act like a movie director who, at will, alters the play script. As Dr, Yehuda described above, trauma survivors have had their genes altered by the trauma. The trauma has changed them on a genetic level, and they are not the same person they once were. Children of survivors receive these altered genes. Learning about epigenetics has helped me understand that the trauma that was transmitted to me is not a mysterious emotional response to my parents’ history; it is scientifically based genetic outcome of trauma. It has helped me understand why every day is Yom Hashoah.

There is More to our Legacy

We wonder about survivors. How did they cope after the war? Where did they get the courage and strength to build new lives? The answer is that qualities like resiliency and resourcefulness are in our parents’ genes and in our genes too. They were passed on to our parents and to us by our predecessors who had survived the countless catastrophes throughout Jewish history. We, the second generation, have inherited more than just trauma; our legacy also includes the attributes that enabled our parents to prosper after the war, and they are just as much a part of our legacy as the trauma is.

And the legacy continues. We do not choose the traits we pass down to our children, and like eye color, artistic talent, or temperament, the trauma encoded in our genes gets passed down to the third generation, also known as 3Gs. Third generation survivors have their own constellation of symptoms and responses to these symptoms; some similar to 2Gs, some different.

Dr. Irit Felsen, a clinical psychologist, researcher, and second-generation survivor, specializes in trauma with a focus on Holocaust survivors and their families. She emphasizes that although it is critical for us to gain insight into how each of us has historically managed our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, it’s equally critical that we put the understanding we’ve gained from this insight to good use.

The complexities of being a child of Holocaust survivors are labyrinthine, and I wander around the maze searching for a way out. This is a good thing. Being a seeker is as an outgrowth of trauma, known as Post Traumatic Growth. I constantly search for meaning in my own life and in the lives of others who ask me to help them do the same. To paraphrase Viktor Frankl, a well-known survivor, meaning is what motivates us to live another day.

Michelle Halle, LCSW is a psychotherapist with a practice in Lakewood, New Jersey. She works with adults who have experienced complex trauma and helps them find a way through their pain to live a meaningful life. You can learn more about her at www.michellehalle.com or reach her at michellehalle.lcsw@gmail.com.

Being a Gen 2, I can so empathise with the author. Yes, for many of us Every Day is a Holocaust Remembrance Day.However, I was so fortunate that my Parents a"h DID choose to speak about a few chosen things. These things were mainly to emphasise the immense miracle of actually having survived! My Mother would often say that the very fact that she (they) survived was first and foremost due to Divine Providence.

My Parents mainly spoke of the miracles upon miracles that happened to them. They either could not or chose not to speak about the horrors in front of their children.

And nowadays I find that I cannot 'pass-up' information or an inspiration piece or article about the Holocaust. Especially those great, true stories I read in AISH.COM.

The two small but powerful words I have learnt from Holocaust Survivors is: EMUNA and BITACHON... faith and trust in The Al-Mighty.

AM YISROEL CHAI. For a very good reason. For Torah. For Avoda and for deeds of Gemilut Chassadim. To walk in the well trodden path of our Ancestors - no matter what.

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Batya Bender,
May 19, 2019 2:23 PM

So Enlightening!

Your article was so helpful and enlightening to me, a 2G. It helps explain to me, and will explain to my 3G children, why I think and behave the way I do. I will pass it on to them now. As the survivors themselves pass into history, it is more important than ever to ponder what they went through, and what it means for us, the torchbearers, so to speak. Thank you, and please keep writing about this vital topic. Batya Bender, Jerusalem

(11)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2019 4:48 AM

One of the things that amazes me most about Israeli culture since making aliyah, is Israelis' approach to life (and this includes sabras as well as holocaust survivors as well as their offspring). It is most definitely the opposite of the author's remark, that for children of survivors, "every single day is Yom Hashoah."
I dont know of another country, culture or people that is constantly pummeled by hate, evil and destruction that refuses to dwell on their trauma and instead constantly is moving forward and onwards. We continue to create: to give birth, to contribute to society in every field from the arts to the sciences to agriculture and architecture and medicine. Whats more, we share our discoveries, innovations, inventions and breakthroughs with the rest of the (mostly ungrateful) world rather than keeping it just for ourselves. We remember our past but we do not let our victimization entrench us. While 2gs may not "need" a special day of holocaust commemoration, younger generations and the world at large do. I simply cannot fathom why anyone would not choose to mark it. We celebrate life and love despite the holocaust, pogroms, & terrorist attacks; but yes, a day devoted to remembrance, through the legacy of personal stories, educational videos and programs, and a pause for silence is very important.

(10)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2019 5:49 AM

Tish'a b'Av is the Torah's Yom Hasho'ah

Despite being a "3G" survivor, I don't either observe "Yom Hasho'ah" albeit for a different reason.

You see, the Jewish calendar already has a Yom Hasho'ah, as well as a Yom Chmeilnicki, Yom Inquisition, Yom Crusades, and Yom Destruction of two Batei Mikdash to name just a few. Its called Tish'a B'av. As Rashi to Divrei Hayamim 35:25 states, this is the day established to remember and mourn all of our people's tragedies in the proper context.

Why the secular zionists (many who did not observe Tish'a B'av) chose to ignore this tradition is anyone's guess, but I choose to mourn the way my ancestors and the the Jewish people have done for millennia.

Michellle Halle,
May 5, 2019 12:52 PM

Many see things your way. However, Yom Hashoah is very meaningful to those who are not linked to their heritage in the way that you are.

(9)
Anonymous,
May 3, 2019 3:24 PM

Thank you for your article. I am also a holocaust survivors daughter with two holocaust survivor parents who were recently deceased. My friends and family know that I had the Holocaust for breakfast lunch and dinner . As an LCSW as well I find many survivors children become therapists as well. Keep up the good work.

Michelle Halle,
May 5, 2019 6:40 PM

That's true - It's been observed that many of us have entered the helping professions.

(8)
Anonymous,
May 3, 2019 3:03 PM

Thank you for an important, healing essay

Thank you for this important essay. My parents were both Holocaust survivors and as we lived in Europe, "the war" was always a real presence in our home, to the point that my cousins and all us kids in our generation would usually play that we were hiding or escaping from the Nazis. However, our parents and grandparents never discussed their experiences with us - we knew only what we overheard when they thought we weren't around. So that it was only after years of therapy in my 30s that I casually mentioned to my therapist that both my parents "had lived through the war" as if it was a normal thing - because in the circle of our family and family friends, it was. When, astounded, the therapist asked, "Are you only now telling me your parents are Holocaust survivors?" I couldn't bring myself to formulate it that way. My parents certainly never used the words - despite having survived Nazi camps or spent years in hiding. Of course, it was only then and after researching more their experiences that things started to make sense and I could begin to understand not only my family, but myself as well. My experience isn't really unusual, so essays like yours are tremendously validating and helpful in helping 2Gs and 3Gs understand and heal their lives.

Anonymous,
May 5, 2019 3:25 AM

Your life story is one that many of us 2Gs can relate to. Recently, I sat at a table with 10 other 2Gs and our experiences of family life were so similiar despite us all growing up in different locales. I agree with you, it is tremendously validating to talk and listen to other 2Gs.

(7)
jaime arango h.,
May 2, 2019 11:37 PM

G-D BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY

(6)
Anonymous,
May 2, 2019 10:45 PM

I’m also 2nd generation holocaust survivor

Hi Michelle
My name isDalia
I read your story about your parents being holocaust survivors.
My story is exactly like yours.
My dear mother passed away two months ago and I have depression and my life is meaningless
I cared for my mother Paula for 13 years I am all alone. Life was always hard being the daughter of two parents as survivors.
Only you can understand
Thank you for sharing your story
Regards Dalia

Anonymous,
May 5, 2019 3:12 AM

Dalia,There are others who can understand and help. You deserve to feel understood and supported. Reach out. You cared for your mother. Care for yourself too.

(5)
Anonymous,
May 2, 2019 6:14 PM

As a daughter of survivors I feel almost exactly the same.

I could have written the article. You expressed it beautifully. All my life I felt I could never complain about anything, because after all, it can't compare to what my parents suffered through and to their losses. Also, even when I was happy, I felt like it was temporary ,and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And on a beautiful sunny day I would also cry, because only time and place separated me from then. It could have been me had I been born earlier and there. I don't read Holocaust lit, and I don't go to the memorials either. But I did do a master' s thesis on a Holocaust related topic. Go figure. Thanks for the article.

Michelle,
May 2, 2019 6:19 PM

Everything you described feeling makes perfect sense. Thank you for taking the time to let me know that my words were meaningful to you.

Michelle Halle,
May 5, 2019 3:08 AM

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. What you've described about your life is so common among us 2Gs

(4)
leah,
May 2, 2019 5:27 PM

laughter

My Bubbe and her siblings seemed to laugh all the time. My father told jokes. It seemed to pass on to my sister and myself. When seeing a counselor for something, she told me she noticed that I would laugh when I wanted to cry and smile when I wanted to scream. True, the mechanisms used to survive are passed on without understanding. We learn to hide that which is painful and not let anyone know.

Michelle,
May 2, 2019 6:32 PM

Leah,We all have ways of defending against pain and being self-aware can be very helpful.

(3)
Dr. James Heyman,
May 2, 2019 5:10 PM

God is the one who gives meaning to our sufferings, and it is only He who can set us free!

(2)
BARRY WEISS,
May 2, 2019 2:43 PM

Poignant

Thank you, Michelle. Your words are particularly poignant, as I watch the Livestream of the March of the Living from Poland.

Michelle Halle,
May 2, 2019 4:14 PM

Barry,Thank you for taking the time to let me know that my words touched you.

BARRY WEISS,
May 2, 2019 5:22 PM

Elie Wiesel

You’re welcome, Michelle. I’m sure you know it was Elie Wiesel, zichrono livracha, who taught us that to listen to a witness is to become a witness.

(1)
Natan,
May 2, 2019 7:23 AM

Interesting

First, I appluad your resilience and courage.Does epigenetics mean that even if you had not grown up in your parents' home you would still suffer the symptoms you described?Extrapolating the idea, we could easily remove all personal responsibility for someone with other behaviors that were embedded in their parents via trauma - like murder.The father was traumatically changed forever by commiting murder, so the child is guiltless for doing the same?Doesn't sit too well with Torah's approach...

Michellle Halle,
May 2, 2019 12:59 PM

Thank you for your kind remarks. To answer your question, you might want to read about the topic to understand more about trauma and epigentics.

Gary Colwill,
May 2, 2019 3:46 PM

We could google it, but...

I did: https://www.whatisepigenetics.com/what-is-epigenetics/I've never heard of epigenetics. The whole concept seems very interesting. The problem with Google is that you get less reliable sources mixed in with more reliable sources and sometimes it's difficult telling the difference. Perhaps a few reliable references from the author of this well-expressed article would be helpful.

Gary Colwill,
May 2, 2019 4:06 PM

Amazing Concept

I usually don't reply to my own posts, but I find this epigenetics idea to be absolutely captivating. Not directly related, but I'm sure it applies to situations of multi-generational trauma (one of the main points of this article) even in situations where the generations have very little knowledge of each other: http://www.adopteesearchingforself.com/2014/08/16/how-does-epigenetics-apply-to-adoption/

Michelle,
May 2, 2019 6:29 PM

Gary, That was a very interesting article about adoptees. Many of us in the mental health field do understand that early life events, even those occurring prenatally, affect us profoundly throughout life.

So I read https://onbeing.org/programs/rachel-yehuda-how-trauma-and-resilience-cross-generations-nov2017/ (thanks for that) and others.It appears the conclusions drawn by Dr. Yehuda (and others) are hotly debated in the scientific community. There is far from anything resembling "consensus" on the issue.Essentially, my original question of "Does epigenetics mean that even if you had not grown up in your parents' home you would still suffer the symptoms you described?" remains unanswered.It's also interesting to note that the link above provides not a single case that fits the question I asked, despite having indicated (directly or indirectly) multiple times that trauma could be inherited via epigenetics even if the child had no contact with the parent.

Michelle,
May 2, 2019 7:55 PM

Gary,I found that article about adoptees very interesting. We know that events that occur in our early life have a life-long impact on us, furthermore, so do events that occur prenatally.