tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post113228197923923549..comments2018-07-27T19:08:29.505-04:00Comments on We survived an affair: Chapter 14 - False memoriesAuthorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-56480555334007195552014-07-14T10:53:35.150-04:002014-07-14T10:53:35.150-04:00I love that quote. It is a difficult doctrine to l...I love that quote. It is a difficult doctrine to live by. It feels like the betrayed spouse has the shorter end of the stick: The wayward spouse gets to go out and have illicit sex and sneak around and go on dates, while the betrayed spouse gets lied to, dumped on, humiliated, etc. And we&#39;re supposed to just ignore it? We don&#39;t get justice? <br /><br />No, we&#39;re not supposed to ignore it, or pretend it never happened. But yeah, we give up our right to hold past betrayals against them when we forgive. They still have to earn our trust, and I think if repentance is real the cheater will have at least a desire to make it up to us, but forgiveness means letting some things go.Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-52823867209216312612014-07-13T15:16:49.781-04:002014-07-13T15:16:49.781-04:00Here&#39;s a quote that really helped me through o...Here&#39;s a quote that really helped me through our story:<br /><br />&quot;Accounts may go unsettled; differences remain unsolved; ledgers stay unbalanced. Conflicts between people&#39;s memories of how things happened are not cleared up; the past stays muddled. Only the future matters. Love&#39;s power does not make fussy historians. Love prefers to tuck all the loose ends of past rights and wrongs in the bosom of forgiveness - and pushes us into a new start. Letting go of the past and beginning here, now, where we are, to move again toward a reconciled life is one of the hardest things any human being is ever asked to do. Love is the power to do that.&quot; (Smedes, Love Within Limits, p.71)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-16510287449801833472013-02-11T10:18:16.613-05:002013-02-11T10:18:16.613-05:00Hi, South African friend. I agree with you. In my...Hi, South African friend. I agree with you. In my opinion, it is important that our questions be answered. Nothing we hear can be as hard as what our imaginations have already written. At some point, the questions need to stop -- I don&#39;t think there can be healing if you spend the rest of your marriage poring over details. But early on, yeah: We have a right to know.Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-16113062690406172372013-02-11T02:57:01.960-05:002013-02-11T02:57:01.960-05:00I am glad I can also say something ( my English no...I am glad I can also say something ( my English not so good - Afrikaans - South africa) I discovered my wife was having an affair a month ago. I read an email where he declared his love to her. I confronted her. She says it was only an emotional affair over email, bbm and the phone. They kissed once. I believe her and we are working very hard now on our marriage. It is just that I have this 1 % doubt if it didnot go further. That one percent is killing me. Every day it feels better. I have stopped asking her questions about the affair. I think the one important thing I have learnt is that there must be an open discussion where you are aloud to ask what you want to ask. My wife did not want to do that. She gave just a few sentences. It almost destroyed every thing, because I think you must know about everything. She later gave in and I was given opportunity to ask my questions. Problem is that now and again I still have new questions. Tricky one. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-47555473250442597622012-10-01T11:05:07.037-04:002012-10-01T11:05:07.037-04:00That&#39;s a beautiful comment. It is just what I ...That&#39;s a beautiful comment. It is just what I hoped people would do when I started this blog: Be honest about your feelings, and encourage others going through the same thing.<br /><br />I agree that it is easier to forgive when the other person has decided on their own to end the affair. Still tremendously painful for you, but your husband had a few months to get the OW out of his system. It is a little bit less for you to deal with, maybe, but there&#39;s still plenty of sadness to go around! <br /><br />Good luck to you.anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-32319262178742629172012-09-26T12:30:32.888-04:002012-09-26T12:30:32.888-04:00The previous reply could be describing my situatio...The previous reply could be describing my situation too... I see all the pictures of the three years my husband had an affair, and I think: &quot;This whole time he was with someone else while pretending to be having a good time with me...&quot; I discovered his affair four months ago, he had ended it already on his own. That helped me in my decision to forgive him. It made me believe he wanted to be with me and not that woman. It has been a very hard time for me, but my husband has been very loving and understands my feelings... I hope the pain goes away and I&#39;m not thinking about the affair all day long and what they did together and all the lying he did and everything... Can that ever happen? I hope so... I trusted him blindly, I thought he was the kind of man that would never do that... Now I doubt everything he says... I hope that goes away also, I don&#39;t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I love him very much and want to have a great life together, it has been going very good since I discovered the affair... We are more open and communicative with each other, he is also more loving and caring with me, well... actually since he broke it off with that woman, since before I found out, so that says he really wants us to work and have a good life together...<br />I&#39;m sorry for all of you that are reading this, I know how much it hurts... I cry everyday... But I believe and hope it will get better and you can have a great marriage after an affair. It&#39;s not the same as before, but it can be good if you both work on it and the one that had the affair works on making you trust them again and shows you they love you.<br />Good luck to you allAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-63763604518162032432007-01-16T08:29:00.000-05:002007-01-16T08:29:00.000-05:00Ouch! This particular post hits me so "where I am...Ouch! This particular post hits me so "where I am". As an avid picture taker, I have constant reminders of that "time" and I ache inside, as I feel those times were not real. The A was going on during the first four years we were actually able to take our best vacations, (cruise, Disney, beaches) and I can't even believe that they will EVER hold the wonderous memories for me that the did before D-Day. I can't even watch America's Funniest Video's and see a date on a clip that was during 99,00.01,02 and in my mind, although not "for sure" part of 03 as well. At least I feel this is something somewhat normal now. the real question is, will my family's memories ever be ours again? Thank you for this posting! What a God inspired way to help others.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1142139774508267312006-03-12T00:02:00.000-05:002006-03-12T00:02:00.000-05:00Actually I think your husband acted like a man. Y...Actually I think your husband acted like a man. You expressed an interest in going in a certain direction and he gave you the freedom to try it out. While it certaintly took away your hedge it showed great strength on his part. He probably does love you and he gave the gift that you said you wanted. Unfortunately, you should have asked for the gift you really wanted.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1135805520867880762005-12-28T16:32:00.000-05:002005-12-28T16:32:00.000-05:00To the woman whose husband "just let her go":I'm s...To the woman whose husband "just let her go":<BR/><BR/>I'm sorry you guys were not able to stay together. But do not assume that your husband is not a "man" if he chose not to stay with you. That is his right. It was mine, too, and had I learned of the affair earlier I would have responded in the same way. I was stronger than I had been earlier and the affair was on the down swing by the time I learned of it. If my wife had come to me and said she had feelings for someone else, I would have packed her bags for her.I survived an affairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12602583738704599705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1135115730763264452005-12-20T16:55:00.000-05:002005-12-20T16:55:00.000-05:00all of those things that you wrote I can really re...all of those things that you wrote I can really relate to. I just found out about my husbands 2nd affair. who knows there maybe more, I can't believe anything he tells me anymore. I do wonder if our past is what I thought it was.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17403683.post-1133268163518817982005-11-29T07:42:00.000-05:002005-11-29T07:42:00.000-05:00thank you for writing this although we did not sur...thank you for writing this although we did not survive it this does clarify things. When I told my husband who I thought loved me very much (I still do believe that!) that I had feelings for someone else he basically just let me go. if he would have put up the slightest bit of resistance and offered to try to work it out I would still be there with my family in tact. I give you kudos for being a man!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com