Vampire Sex & spoilers

Ok Twi-Hards, it’s taken a while but Jacek doesn’t like articles without pictures and there have been no pictures other than those two famewhores Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene and I’m tired of waiting for pictures and I’m not spending crazy money on exclusives of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in their bikinis so we’ll just go with images of how vampires have sex in True Blood – rough and hard and real(ish) instead of the vaginal rainbow blue ball version we’ve been given courtesy Stephenie Meyer.

You’ve been wanting to know about Breaking Dawn, the movie(s). Details from the Part 1 screenplay are here. As previously noted, they are filming both parts concurrently. Last week after Thanksgiving, on a sound stage in Louisiana, Stewart and Pattinson worked on the Vampire Sex Scenes that take place immediately after Bella gets turned. They’ve also shot some Christmas sequences. Pattinson’s had a few days off since last Thursday – today being the last – and Stewart had almost the same days off save one in the middle. Then they both resume shooting for the next week or so at the Cullen House where she’s pregnant and feeling like sh-t.

As for the script details...

Please note there are spoilers below. Some people don’t mind spoilers. Some can’t handle it. Please consider yourself warned. And I’ll give you more warning as we progress. But this is your chance to change the channel.

As I’ve already said, the screenplay is SO MUCH BETTER than the source material. There are the obligatory Twilight cheese moments, sure, but considering that this is adapted from a book that was embarrassingly bad, I’d say the writer did a pretty impressive job, especially with this second part.

I like the tension between Bella and the wolves when she finds out Jacob has attached himself to her baby. She smacks him around. And then his wolf friends try to step in and she smacks them around too and everyone’s all like – oh Bella she’s so strong, roar.

You sappy types will enjoy some tender family moments between Bella and Edward and the child with the dumb name as they come together for the first time. Oh and backtracking for a minute, the movie is supposed to open with some loveness too as Bella “meets” Edward as a vampire and they bump hearts.

K, so after the baby business they head over to the Cottage for what’s described as a “second honeymoon” with notes from the screenwriter that stress that this is to be VAMPIRE SEX and totally different from when they had sex before. Which basically means that they start mashing up against each other without restraint. Especially him. So there are a lot of accelerated motion quick cuts – him on top, then her on top, the camera’s speeding around them, they’re speeding around each other, like porn on 30x, legs and arms are whizzing by, at one point, a wall is smashed; she does it when she’s the aggressor, pinning him like he’s the weaker one, it’s his wrist that breaks the brick in the wall, until he throws her off, but landing on top of her, wildly and when I was reading this I kinda pictured mechanical monkeys but I think the close-ups on the face will make up for that. In between the quick edit speed sex, they’re supposed to zoom in on faces, all lusty and wanton and she puts her hands through his hair a lot.

Time passes.

Hours. Days.

Maybe weeks.

They’re so lost in the f-cking.

I like how it concludes. Limbs entwined on a chair in front of a fire. Specific instructions that they are not to look like human beings who’ve just had each other. Vampires do it like Victoria Beckham. Don’t mess with the makeup. No redness, no exertion, no flushing, no sweat. And then some pillow talk about how they can’t imagine how any other couple could be hotter and they could out jungle-sex Brad and Angelina. I may have made up the part about Brad and Angelina but that’s the general idea – that Bella and Edward think they’ve won the gold medal in f-cking. Then they f-ck some more. Now I’m told this was the intent. And the actors were all for it. They filmed it with this as their guide. But, well, there’s the issue of the author Meyer and whether or not she’ll agree to how erotic it is in the final edit.

Anyway...

Blah blah blah happy montages.

Ok, here’s where it gets really, really interesting.

MAJOR SPOILER AHEAD.

MAJOR MAJOR.

I’ll give you a few lines to go away or to think about going away...

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When I read Breaking Dawn and reviewed it – click here if you missed that – my major complaint was that the “battle” wasn’t a battle. It was the lamest sh-t climax ever. Some people talk. Bella protects everyone. They talk some more. Then they make up and go away. Happily ever after.

You put that in a movie and you get eggs thrown at the screen.

There has to be more to keep the audience. And that’s what the audience will get.

This is a crucial spoiler. Be responsible with this spoiler when you post it on your own blogs. Please. And don’t yell at me about not wanting to be spoiled and reading it anyway. You were warned.

I’m told there will be a battle. You will “see” a battle. A vicious battle. And ...

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER...

Some Cullens die. Wolves too. It’s total carnage.

If you know your sh-t, it shouldn’t be hard to figure out how they manage this and what the conclusion will be. Good interpretation though, non? So that at least there’s suspense. We can talk about it some more on the LiveBlog next week. I’m happy to be more specific during the LiveBlog. We’ll open up the floor for 10 minutes to Twilight questions. See you then?