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Satirical & Poetic Musings Of A Self-Proclaimed Nobel Prize Winner

Tag Archives: Mental Health Advice

Dear Black Hole, lately I’ve been feeling like the whole world sucks. I want to stop feeling like this because many people are telling me it doesn’t suck, at least not all of it. Do you have any advice to help me stop feeling this way? Thanks, Jenny Jinglebuns, a Catholic Nun

Dear Sr. Jinglebuns, thanks for asking me this question. It’s lonely out here in space, and I greatly appreciate any communication I receive from other sentient beings. Unfortunately, I can’t entirely help you with your question. You see, I’m the king of sucking. I suck EVERYTHING around me into me, even light. Why, just the other day, a spacecraft was flying by me, but, before I could even say hello, the entire thing shot past by my event horizon and was sucked into the oblivion that is the core of my being. All I can really offer you on this matter is this: If I didn’t suck, I wouldn’t exist. Thus, just because something sucks, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. Thanks again for writing, and have a grand day. Yours always, A Black Hole

Dear Moses, my name is Veronica Precious. I’m 16 years old, and I’m simply plagued by anxiety over boys. I want to date and have fun like other girls my age, but whenever a boy tries to ask me out, I get so nervous, I always say no. Can you give me some mental health advice so I can overcome this problem? Thanks in advance, Veronica Precious, an anxious 16 year girl.

Veronica, GET OVER YOURSELF! Anxiety? Over boys? Let me tell you about anxiety, young lady. Have you ever tried leading 2.5 million Jews through a friggin’ desert for 40 years? Have you? Well, I have. And let me tell you, the amount of whining and bitching I had to put up with would drive the calmest person insane with anxiety. “Are we there yet, Moses?” “Moses, can we stop? I gotta pee.” “Moses. can I sleep in your tent tonight? I’m scared.” “I got sand in my eyes, Moses.” “How many commandments are there again, Moses?” They drove me BATS!!! Bats, I tellz ya’! So, get over yourself, Veronica and go out with a boy already. In my day, at 16, a girl would have had 3 kids already. Imagine THAT anxiety. Hope this was helpful. Yours in good mental health, Moses.