Comments on: Full Disclosurehttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/
As narrated by the most charming and vicious women on the internetSun, 12 Jul 2015 20:00:14 +0000hourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.8.9By: Carolehttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68623
Mon, 06 Jun 2011 14:45:43 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68623My six-year-old daughter has known about homosexuality pretty much all of here life (courtesy of our well=worn copy of And Tango Makes Three). Now, when she plays with her barbies, she has couples of all kinds! When I first started to explain to her the societal issues at play (just as I have for prejudice in general, be it about skin colour, religion, gender, etc), her response was” “well, that’s no way to behave”. Now, she is starting to ask questions about how exactly gay couples would make babies (since that topic also recently came up and the “when two adults love each other” line was no longer enough). She’s doing fine – she can comprehend just fine. Although I do get a few “looks” from more conservative parents, I think this is the right way to go.
]]>By: annajcookhttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68616
Mon, 06 Jun 2011 13:24:36 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68616@Danika,

I just wanted to second what you said regarding safety. I tried to make it clear in my original post that, in our current climate, being fully out is (in part) the privilege of socioeconomic status. Queer folks should never feel pressured to be out if being out will cause them to feel or to be unsafe or otherwise damage their lives (i.e. being fired from a job).

And I also recognize that the ease of being out without drama via being in a visibly queer relationship is much less of a constant decision (“will I speak up in this situation? that situation? to this person? that person?”) than it is for someone who is single. Because un-attached people in our culture are presumed straight. I was for many years! and never bothered to correct anyone but my closest friends. If, goddess forbid, I am ever single in the future I’ll probably be more active about communicating my fluidity regardless of relationship status … but that’s still more of an effort than just BEING with one’s significant other.

]]>By: Danika the Lesbrarianhttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68599
Sat, 04 Jun 2011 23:36:57 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68599I (21, aware of my queerness at 14 or so) am out to… everyone I know, I think. Including my 6-year-old niece. When she was 5, me and the family went to San Francisco. I, of course, insisted on seeing the queer part of town. We were talking about how there were rainbow flags even in the Starbucks, and Layla (my niece) sighed dramatically, “Why are you guys always talking about gay? This is gay, that’s gay, Danika’s gay–” I instantly cracked up. My sister tried to tell her “Because Danika is gay and we support her”, to which Layla replied long-sufferingly that she knew that. So, gayness is totally old news to her. (Oh, and she went and bought her own rainbow flag after that.)

Overall, though, we all make our own decisions about coming out. Maybe she’s afraid the kids will tell someone who’s anti-queer. Maybe she knows that the parents think that they should be the ones to tell their kids about homosexuality on their timetable (I disagree, but still). Maybe she’s afraid the kids will be disgusted or confused. Who knows.

I agree that using the straight guidelines is a great ideal, but it’s not always feasible. This is especially true when you’re single. It’s easy enough to casually bring up your girlfriend. It’s harder to honestly answer “So, do you have a boyfriend?” with “No… but if I did… I wouldn’t. Because I would have a girlfriend.” Also, as much as public displays of affection between two same gender people should be just as allowed, it’s sometimes a safety issue. I live in a very, very liberal/hippie city, and my teacher got badly beaten up for being out with her partner. Me and my girlfriend have gotten sexual harassment for kissing in public. It can be scary. Unfortunately, it’s not always safe to use the same rules as straight people, as long as we live in an anti-queer society.

]]>By: Chrishttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68577
Fri, 03 Jun 2011 21:32:14 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68577There is actually one reason that might “make sense” not to tell the kids (aside from a bigoted “we know but we don’t approve” opinion on the part of the parents). That would be because you can’t trust the kids to not “blab” it to the grandparents (and you might not be there when it happens!). All the more reason to just get it out there. The kids are only getting older…
]]>By: Alectohttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68574
Fri, 03 Jun 2011 10:03:21 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68574Another one for the children-aren’t-too-young to-understand bandwagon, especially as I seem to have read her referring to them as tweens?
I think I was six or seven when my parents took us on a trip to England to see my mum’s family and my parent’s friends, and during that trip we stayed at one of my mother’s university mates’ place. I don’t recall either of us having a problem with comprehending that Uncle Tom and Uncle Paul were a couple.
]]>By: jesshttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68572
Fri, 03 Jun 2011 04:59:30 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68572Nicely written post. Like you said, Anna, I don’t want to tell any individual who they have to be out to- everybody gets to make that decision for him/herself. But I think that treating the subject as taboo around children is unhelpful.
My mom used to refer to my aunt’s partner as her “housemate” (and similarly for a number of my mom’s friends who were lesbian). I don’t remember what my dad called them- maybe the same to go along with my mom, or maybe he just called them by their names, or stood back and let my mom make the introductions in social situations. So growing up, I wasn’t sure what their relationship status was, and I got the message that it wasn’t my place to ask. As a result, I never felt like coming out to them about being bisexual (I would have if I’d been in a relationship with a girl/woman, but my only 3 relationships have been with boys/men, so the discussion would only have been abstract). Sometime when I went away to college my parents switched their terminology to “partner” and now vocally advocate gay marriage rights. Which is nice but leaves me wishing it had happened 20 or even 10 years earlier.
]]>By: Av0gadrohttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68569
Fri, 03 Jun 2011 03:31:42 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68569The only problem I have experienced with people being out to my very young children is that the first time my then-two-year-old understood that it was possible to have two daddies, he spent three weeks insisting that he wanted and deserved two daddies too. I was never very clear if I was supposed to leave and let his father find a man or if I was supposed to be arranging some form of polyamory. He got over it, which is good, because it wasn’t great for my ego.

Seriously, how could a little kid be too young to understand? Little kids understand whatever we explain to them, and if we present same sex couples as normal when they’re toddlers, then they grow up thinking it’s perfectly normal. And isn’t that a goal?

]]>By: Mackeyhttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68567
Thu, 02 Jun 2011 21:45:21 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68567@anna – this is great. Growing up my mum did not make a separation between couples who loved each other – whether they be differently or same gendered.

So when sisters and friends have felt like they needed to “out themselves” to me (for the most part also introducing a loved one), I have found it strange (never understood the idea of having to declare your sexuality). Instead I feel honoured that a sister or friend would want to introduce me to their special loved one, and say something like “congratulations on finding someone to share your life with”.

My nephew grew up knowing that one of his aunts has a relationship with another woman, and this certainly hasn’t caused problems. It’s just seen as what it is – a family member and their partner.

]]>By: Ms. Mhttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68566
Thu, 02 Jun 2011 21:32:33 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68566Yes, the issue with the grandparents, as Joseph says! Older people have complex life experiences, and have had to adapt to a lot in their lifetimes. They can cope with how they want to deal with it, and shouldn’t be treated like they are incapable. Gay people have been around forever, not like they are some newfangled thing.
]]>By: annajcookhttp://www.harpyness.com/2011/06/02/full-disclosure/comment-page-1/#comment-68565
Thu, 02 Jun 2011 21:32:14 +0000http://www.harpyness.com/?p=20084#comment-68565@Joseph

I agree with you about the grandparents thing. At the request of my parents, I let them tell the elder generation about me and Hanna when we were a couple (i.e. the same time that they would have realized my siblings were in a relationship with their SOs). They felt that the grandparents might have some questions that they wouldn’t feel comfortable asking me. But there was NO hesitation in accepting me as-is and Hanna as well into our family. My paternal grandmother went out of her way to write my a warm letter saying how she hoped that the love we had for each other could be a witness to the world. She’s very involved in the church but is adament that the continued exclusion of LGBT folks from ordination, etc., is unconscionable. It was prouder than ever to have a granny who sees my life as increasing love and (hopefully) ecnouraging people to be less bigoted in the world.