WASHINGTON DC -- Adm. William Fallon, Jimmy Fallon's ironically sober and militant father, announced his official resignation as "Assistant to the Regional Manager" for all troops deployed in the Middle East today. Fallon was quoted as saying:

"Honestly, guys, fuck that. Like, imagine someone taking an enormous bottle of tar and pouring it over your head. Now imagine that same asshole sticking goose feathers all over you, taking a picture and photoshopping you into a gay porn. Now imagine being forced to watch that gay porn with your father. That's almost exactly what one hour in this job is like. It's embarrassing."

George W Bush congratulated Fallon on his superb service, and offered him a post as Official Beer Run Guy for the White House. "Until that hippie Obama gets put in, anyway." the President said. Fallon said he was honored but declined, claiming the last time he had gotten drunk was the night he had suggested invading Iraq in the first place.

When asked what he will do with all his free time, Fallon simply shrugged and said, "Probably go home, masturbate, watch Gilmore Girls Season One and kill myself."