blog: the oatmeal on 3d movies

Why 3D movies need to die

Ever since Aliens Avatar squatted its bloated, blue, Na’vi ass on American cinema, every film that comes out with some semblance of special effects has “3D” pasted on top of it.

Most people know the drill by now: you go to a 3D movie, pay a little extra, chuckle at how stupid everyone looks wearing those glasses, and the film starts. For the first two minutes, it’s impressive. Stuff pops out of the screen and it’s pretty neat. For the remaining 118 minutes, however, you either forget you’re watching a 3D movie or simply stop giving a shit.

“But we want more money! -Movie Theaters”

“It’s the future of cinema”

You remember those Magic Eye books from the 1990s? The ones where you’d look at them, relax your eyes, and a 3D picture would pop out? Saying that 3D movies are the future of cinema is like saying that Magic Eye books were the future of literature.

It’s like having a fog machine installed in the theater that activates every time something scary happens, or spraying clouds of glitter at the audience every time a nipple is visible on the screen.

You know when I’d go see another 3D movie? When it’s one that features two solid hours of watching the Na’vi get barbecued by flamethrowers while I eat my $19.99 bucket of popcorn which is also coincidentally flavored like barbecued Na’vi. Unless that happens you can count me the fuck out. I’ll go watch Up without being subjected to the filmmaker’s equivalent of a Photoshop lens flare.