Thursday, June 03, 2010

People are DYING to know how I inherited a teen slave (slave-in-training)(and if that's anything like my dog training skills, I'm in TROUBLE)

It all started back in 1992. SO pull up your futon, put on your Eddie Bauer wool sweater, plug in some Ace of Base and kick up your doc marten'd feet.

I was teaching pre-school, which quite frankly is not much different than teaching yoga to spoiled LA brats. There's just less drooling. On the pre-schooler's part. I am one who likes to dominate and boss around. Shocking!

It was a TOTAL white trash preschool in Utah. But it was next door to me. So I put up with teachers yelling at the kids stuff like "you did too hit little malachi...I SEEN YOU DO IT!" and "Don't give Bryce those crackers...HE DON'T WANT NONE!"

Then one day the cutest child ever came in. She was new and terrified and the sweetest 3yr old EVER. She was crying and hiding under a table with these giant blue eyes and blonde hair with long bangs. And the Director, who had big giant fake horse teeth was yelling at her to come out "YOUR MAMA DON'T WANNA HEAR YOU THAT I SEEN YOU CRY LIKE A BABY!" I hated her.

I was all "I'll get her out! I am the kid whisperer!" And of course she was attracted to my natural coolness and charm and came right out and wrapped her arms around my neck and didn't let go. I was hooked. When her mom came to get her I told her I'd babysit ANYtime...for free. (I could kinda tell they were struggling. I can sniff out a single mom a mile away)(besides, no self respecting married couple would ever send their kids to that place)

And she was all "for real?" and I was all YAH! and she was all "ok. how 'bout friday?"

We made the deal and as I was SO excited that I got to watch this cutie pie all to myself, and then.....out trots another scruffy scrapper with a brown ramona-the-pest-bob cut and the teacher says...."here's your mommy!"

Sooooo...there were TWO kids. I was kinda bummed. I was prepared for ONE unpaid kid. Not TWO. And this kid was all confident. And 2yrs old. And all smiley and just screamed TROUBLE.

yah. THAT one is Teen Slave.

Well. Their mom dropped them off friday night and I never heard from her again until SUNDAY night! This was pre cell phone. Well, not pre....but when they were all HUGE and cost $500 and were called CAR PHONES. That's when I made it VERY clear that she could leave them ANY time, no questions asked.

And boy did she! My roommate and I (DD!) used our FInancial Aid money to buy them clothes and shoes and take them to movies etc. They grew up calling my brothers and sisters and friends "uncle" and "aunt". Teen Slave was the one who took scissors to her hair and threw tantrums and screamed in my car that pee was coming out. SHe was the one my younger brother shook his head at and said "she's gonna be TROUBLE when she grows up!" yah.

Then I moved to NY and wasn't around for their high school years. When I was last in Utah we all re-united and Teen Slave was all "I'm interviewing for a job at Burger king this week" and I was all NO YOU ARE NOT. And I made her move to LA with me and register for school. Her sister gets here in July.

Aw, gees, that is a sweet story (dabbing eyes). So, can you still yell at these teens even if they aren't yours? Are they still all moody and drama-filled and annoying even when they aren't your blood?? And my final question--would you like another one?? I've got a lovely 15 year old that is just ripe for gettin' rid of.

Awwwww, so sweet...who knew that you were such a bleeding heart. That tough yoga bitch exterior is blown and we all know you are one big SOFTY!!! It really is a great story and she is lucky to have you. Keep us posted...this will provide you with some GREAT material. :)

See, the pure genius of the whole scheme is precisely that you look like such a warm, giving softie when really you're in it for purely cruel and selfish reasons. Corporate America should take a lesson.