MONTREAL - There was a news item recently about a job opening at Buckingham Palace for an assistant dishwasher. Montreal filmmaker John Curtin is definitely not interested in the position.

Curtin, who seems to be making a career of chronicling the Royal family, can vouch for the fact that the pay is meagre for the 1,200 staffers who toil in their palaces. Plus, the hours are long, and the Royals, not to mention some of their higher-placed employees, can be hellish toward perceived underlings.

Curtin has just completed his third documentary about the Royal family, Serving the Royals: Inside the Firm, a juicy and frighteningly revealing chronicle about the not-so-fairy tale lives of those in the employ of the monarchy. The film premieres Thursday at 9 p.m. on CBC-TV’s Doc Zone.

Like Curtin’s last two docs on the subject, After Elizabeth II: Monarchy in Peril (2010) and Chasing the Royals: The Media and the Monarchy (2011), the director will no doubt once again have both monarchists, anti-monarchists and the curious all riveted to the tube with, among other revelations, Princess Diana's lovers being smuggled into the castle in the trunk of her butler’s car. Meanwhile, valets had to be certain to pour exactly seven inches of water into the tub and to squeeze exactly one inch of toothpaste on the toothbrush of the no-less-philandering but considerably more severe Prince Charles.

Shocked and appalled, I tell you! Not Curtin, though. He has more than an inkling of what transpires in the Royal palaces, and it’s not the homogenized authorized version as transmitted by the House of Windsor. Turns out that Curtin’s great uncle, Sir William Gilliat, was Queen Elizabeth’s obstetrician, who delivered Prince Chuck.

Then again, after his three Royal docs, Curtin won’t be getting anywhere near as close to any members of the Royal family.

“This one is Downton Abbey on steroids,” Curtin exclaims.

And he’s not far wrong. Those who get their kicks scoping the antics of upper-class Brit-twit types and their often dismissive attitudes toward their servants on shows like Upstairs, Downstairs and Downton Abbey will certainly concur with Curtin’s description of his latest doc.

Because current staffers are notoriously tight-lipped, Curtin was fortunate enough to get the goods on the Royal servers from several staffers no longer toiling for the family. His primary leak is former footman and butler Paul Burrell, who was awarded the Royal Victorian Medal in 1997 for services to the Royal family, but who, five years later, was embroiled in controversy over an alleged theft of possessions from the late Diana. He claimed he was protecting these items and charges were later dropped.

Burrell had served 21 years for the family, first as a footman to the Queen and later as butler to Princess Diana. He served as confidant to both, learning how to keep them happy. Not so much, Prince Chuck, who could be most demanding, and Prince Philip, who had a sharp temper, whereas the Queen and Diana were softer and had solid senses of humour. And don’t even ask about the Royal corgis. Cute they may be, but a pain in the butt for the servants who had to clean up after them. Evidently, they weren’t fully house-trained and left their mark all around the ornate Buckingham Palace.

Curtin also delves into the life of the late William Tallon, the late Queen Mother’s most trusted helper who served her for 50 years. Known as “Backstairs Billy,” he was renowned for keeping the party going. That entailed keeping the Royal goblets of the Queen and her mom topped with gin. Keeping the family soused also allowed Backstairs Billy to engage in all manner of sexual shenanigans with other Royal staffers.

Ken Wharfe provided police protection for Diana, and there was rarely a dull moment. The late princess would ask him if he would take a bullet for her. “Yes,” he would reply, “but I would prefer not to.” Wharfe claims, as does Burrell, that Diana was quite the risk-taker, particularly as her marriage with Prince Chuck was falling apart and she was having affairs with others.

Seems that most of the Royal staff was aware of the extra-marital affairs being conducted both by Charles and Diana. However, they took more to Diana, whom Burrell notes did have a heart — misguided though it may have been. He recalls one evening that while trolling the streets of London, Diana ordered him to hand out 50-pound notes to hookers to get them off the street in order that they not become victims of their clients. Burrell obliged, but confesses this deed didn’t exactly do the trick.

“I was lucky with my sources,” Curtin says. “It’s impossible to talk to anyone working for the Royals today, which would have been great. Paul was as close as anyone ever got to the Royals. He was like one of the children. Diana told him everything. In fact, he was even rumoured once to have been Diana’s lover.”

Prior to undertaking this trilogy, Curtin, a former CBC staffer, was indifferent to the Royals.

“Now, the closer I get to them, the more I question the need for their existence, although the Queen is recognized for having done an exemplary job as a head of state. It’s hard to say much bad about her. The Royals do have an aura.”

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