Lisa on Ice/Quotes

Principal Skinner: (over the PA) Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. (to himself) Dammit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

Skinner: Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different. Test scores are at an all-time low, so I've come up with these academic alerts. (holds a stack of cards) You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you.

Martin: How innovative. I like it!

Kearney: Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: beat up Martin. (Dolph writes "Beat up Martin" which the Newton translates as "Eat up Martha") Bah! (throws Newton at Martin)

Martin: Ow!

Skinner: (Announcing to students in auditorium) Alright, first academic alert. Wiggum, Ralph.

Chief Wiggum: We won! We won! Unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going out for pizza.

Homer: (Standing up for Lisa in the locker room) I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different: no jokes, no taunting- (spots Üter) Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? (chases Üter, laughing, while whipping a towel at him) Come here, you butterball!

Üter: Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!

Homer: Now that we’re all alone, Marge, admit it, you like Lisa best.

Marge: No.

Homer: Oh, so you’re a Bart-woman are you!

Marge: No.

Homer: Well you can’t possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin’ for nobody!

Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.

Homer: (finishes signing a stack of alerts for Bart) Whew! That's all of 'em… and I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?

Homer: OK son, just remember to have fun out there today. And if you lose, I'll kill you!

(everyone laughs)

Bart: Oh, Dad... (Homer looks menacingly at Bart, making he cringe)

Milhouse: Hey! Way to knock out my teeth!

Apu: Yeah, that's it, Milhouse, keep up the chatter.

Marge: (Covering her eyes) I can't even watch. I don't know how you two can sit here laughing at poor Lisa while she's out there probably scared to death.

Homer: We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference.

(Lisa screams. Homer and Bart start laughing again and pointing at her.)

Homer: (To Marge, quickly) With her.

Apu: We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork...gee, who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa.

Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three.

Homer: Aw, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but...you know.

Marge: Stop it, stop it, stop it! (Flicks light on and off.)

Bart: Mom, that is really annoying.

Lisa: Bart started it!

Bart: Uh uh, Lisa started it!

Marge: I don't care who started it. I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both: you're not in competition with each other! Repeat: you are not in competition with each other!

Homer: Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! (Flicks light on and off.) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! (In the darkened room, Marge clearly shows her displeasure with Homer for enticing the rivalry after she's trying to keep the peace.)

Chief Wiggum: (at the Springfield prison) All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells!

Snake: Sorry, pig. We can't make that promise.

Wiggum: All right... all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK?

Snake: No.

Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes. (turns the key, lets the prisoners out)