How to Discipline 13 - Month - Old

Updated on
August 02, 2010

E.B.
asks from
Villa Park, IL
on July 29, 2010

16
answers

my 13- month - old daughter loves to stick her hands especially to where we tell her not to : she likes pulling toilet paper, playing with printer, tv etc. we tell her 'no, don't do that' and she understands it very well and stops doing it ( even if it's for only few seconds:)). But the problem is when after hearing 'no' she starts to cry and raises her hands to pick her up- it's heartbreaking.And even if they say parents should avoid 'no' - word, sometimes it's just impossible. what to do then? pick her up or let cry out? what do you think?

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M.T.

answers from
New York
on
July 29, 2010

You don't need to let her cry, it is okay to comfort her if she thinks that you are angry or she feels frustrated because she can't play with what she wants to. However, you do have to get past finding it heartbreaking if she cries because she can't have what she wants. There are way more difficult things you will have to deal with as a parent (trust me, mine are 11 and 15)
Rather than just say no and have her cry, say no, remove her from the area and ger her involved in something that is appropriate for her to play with. At this age, distraction is fine, as is limiting her access to areas of the house where there are things that are not meant for her. There is no reason to avoid the word no. It is what it is. She has no reasoning skills and doesn't need an explanation. It does not matter what word you attach, if she can't touch something, then she can't touch it. "No" is a word she'll hear all her life, she can start getting familiar with it now.

T.K.

answers from
Chicago
on
July 30, 2010

Instead of saying no, try saying "Not for Susie! Toilet paper is not for Susie! But the teddy bear is for Susie!" I've found that the "not for you" combined with the distraction of another toy works pretty well with my son. My two big "not fors" are computers and cat food.

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P.M.

answers from
Portland
on
July 29, 2010

It is (mostly) possible to stop saying no to young children. If we recognize that little ones are doing what they are programmed to do – which is to learn EVERYTHING they possibly can by interacting with the world around them – then we can understand that telling them no thwarts their most essential drive, and is frustrating, confusing, and invalidating of what they are: little natural scientists and explorers.

It's entirely reasonable to put things off limits that will be unsafe, wasteful or messy. Close the bathroom door to keep her out of the TP, block her access to the printer, etc. But it's our job as parents to do that creatively so that we don't squelch or frustrate our children's natural curiosity and joy in exploration.

Here's the most successful strategy for most families: Save No! or Stop! for potentially dangerous situations. Consider the great temptations around your home – you know what they are by now – and give your daughter attractive alternatives (redirect her interest). Remove as many as possibe, or get them up above her reach. If she's determined to get to the printer, place a large box on its side between her and the temptation. Put one or two items in it that make the printer interesting to her (grownup stuff, you know) like a couple of sheets of paper, a dead cell phone or unplugged calculator, things with buttons to push.

A brightly-colored kid's toy will just not have the same appeal, because it's for kids. She wants to handle the things that YOU get to use, and that's an important developmental curiosity that we do well to take advantage of. So when you can, probably when she's a little more verbal, hold her on your lap and show her the proper ways to use the big-people stuff. Young children in more primitive societies are taught how to use sharp tools at an early age, through close parental interaction.

Also, when you do need to prevent your child from doing what she really, really wants, it's usually very helpful to really, really empathize with her as you redirect her attention elsewhere. "Yes, sweetie, that looks SO interesting, and I can see that you really want to touch it. I wish I could let you, but it's not ours. Here, look at this thing that I CAN let you touch. See? This is how it works…."

"Discipline" in its purest form means teaching. Save the idea of or "punishment" for some future date that may never need to come.

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M.B.

answers from
Dallas
on
July 29, 2010

My son definitely understood No, at this age. However, he has always responded to uh-uh in a more stern tone better. Personally, I don't think they can really process phrases at that age. I find sharp noises or just a firm no, and no other statements work well. I would say uh-uh while shaking my head and it was pretty effective. The first few days of doing that, he cried some. I would tell him he was OK and stay close to him, but not pick him up. Consistency is very important. Say no, or whatever you choose, in the same exact way every time. My son is now 15 months old and listens very well. I really do believe they can learn at 12 months. It can take awhile, but it's possible!!

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D.K.

answers from
Washington DC
on
July 29, 2010

Go ahead and comfort her. At this age it's more about establishing your authority and preventing disasters than it is about teaching the correct behavior; that starts at about 2. Repetition will do what reason can't at this age. Once she reaches the age of 2, I really recommend the 1-2-3 Magic techniques right from the start to prevent any problems with meltdowns etc..(I just downloaded a copy of this to my Kindle too, if you have one, it's a little cheaper this way).

But anyways, at this age, her attention span if very short, so the odds are that if you just let her stand there and cry, pretty soon she's going to forget why she's crying and she'll just be crying for the he!! of it. Picking her up to comfort her is important because it lets her know that you still love her, even though you're disciplining her, which is an important foundation for later, stricter forms of discipline after which you will NOT be comforting her.

Good luck with your toddler and remember, we've all been there. Reach out to other mamas and you'll never be alone! :)

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J.G.

answers from
San Antonio
on
July 29, 2010

I think (as one poster said) to child-proof your house is a good idea IF you are not there to watch her. I personally think kids need to be taught not to touch something (the toilet-seat, the TP) and not have to put a lock on it. We didn't have all of these locking mechanisms when we were kids and we turned out okay. But it all depends on safety - we don't have cabinet locks on our cabinets, but we also don't put chemicals or lotions or detergents in lower cabinets. We teach our son that he can open this cabinet only. All the others are off limits (like another poster said -- redirect the child).

I also use "uh-uh" and a loud "Ehhh!" when my son were to touch or almost touch something he shouldn't. He'd get startled, but learned quickly by my facial expressions and my follow-thru that I was serious.

So to answe your question, I'd let her cry it out to a means. Bend down to her eye-level. Tell her that she needs to "listen and obey mommy." "It's not safe for you to touch that." or "You can only touch this when YOU start to go potty."

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L.A.

answers from
Reno
on
July 29, 2010

I usually go with
Calmly remove their hand from the item
Say in a calm voice " that's not yours"
Immediately hand them a favored toy or item tehy can play with and say " this is yours" with a smile.
The minute she begins playing with the new toy praise her a lot and thank her for following directions.
Keep being patient you may have to do this a lot of times before she gets it, but eventually she will respond to " that's not yours" by removing her hand and selecting an appropriate toy
That way you don't have to say "NO" but you stop the action and teacher her what you want her to do instead:)

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K.H.

answers from
Dallas
on
July 29, 2010

I would first be sure that anything that could pose a danger is removed and/or secured. Secondly, redirection is key. When she reaches for a "no-no", it would be a good idea to show her that though she can't pull the toilet paper, she can play with a bath toy. While you train and establish boundaries, you can also reinforce behaviors that ARE acceptable. You can't do that, but you CAN do this. Children will periodically retest boundaries, but with loving arms and reinforcement, they will develop a strong sense of security that you can feel good about too.

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M.T.

answers from
New York
on
July 29, 2010

You don't need to let her cry, it is okay to comfort her if she thinks that you are angry or she feels frustrated because she can't play with what she wants to. However, you do have to get past finding it heartbreaking if she cries because she can't have what she wants. There are way more difficult things you will have to deal with as a parent (trust me, mine are 11 and 15)
Rather than just say no and have her cry, say no, remove her from the area and ger her involved in something that is appropriate for her to play with. At this age, distraction is fine, as is limiting her access to areas of the house where there are things that are not meant for her. There is no reason to avoid the word no. It is what it is. She has no reasoning skills and doesn't need an explanation. It does not matter what word you attach, if she can't touch something, then she can't touch it. "No" is a word she'll hear all her life, she can start getting familiar with it now.

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J.W.

answers from
Chicago
on
July 30, 2010

I agree with the other posters that baby-proofing and redirection is key. Your daughter is exploring the world and doesn't understand what is off-limits and why. When my kids do something we don't like, we usually make the "a-a-a!" no sound but reserve the big NO for when something is dangerous. Otherwise, babies/toddlers get too accustomed to no no no and think it's a game. And I also agree to comfort her - she's too young to understand what is truly going on. She'll get it eventually :) Good luck!

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S.S.

answers from
Chicago
on
July 29, 2010

The first thing you need to do is child proof your house. If you have wires etc where she can get to them its not a good thing she could get hurt. if she can get to toilet paper she can fall in the toilet. for her safty child proof or put her in a playpen. as far as discipline you need to wait till she is a little older and you can do timeout but she is really not old enough for that yet. good luck

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B.C.

answers from
Chicago
on
July 30, 2010

my one-year-old is the same way. he turned the tv on once and thinks it's just about the best game ever. sadly we can't wall mount it, so we have a daily "discussion" about how we don't touch the tv. when he pulls himself up on the tv stand, i get up, pick him up, say "no" firmly and put him down with another toy. this works better for him as i'm immediately redirecting him with something he CAN do. as to things like toilet paper, we have to keep the doors closed unless we're in the bathroom because not only is the toilet paper rather inviting, but that water in the bowl is also really inticing :)

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K.W.

answers from
Chicago
on
August 02, 2010

I had to laugh when I read this because I have a 13 month old who does the exact same things. We started by removing as many of the temptations as possible, like instead of putting the toilet paper on the hanger, we now put the roll on the back of the toilet where she can not reach it. We also try to avoid saying "no" all the time. Instead, we say "excuse me" or "is that yours?" These seem to work well as reminders that she should not be doing whatever she is doing. If she persists, we will move her hands away and tap the top of her hand. This is not done in a manner that would hurt her, but in a way that reminds her that her hands are where they should not be.
My daughter also starts crying when we tell her "no" or tap her hand. We usually let her cry for about a minute and then pick her up, comfort her and redirect her to something she can play with.

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L.W.

answers from
Cincinnati
on
July 29, 2010

sorry I had to laugh because my DD who is 19 onths did and still does the same thing. However she does not ask to be picked up anymore thankfully. You need to ignore her for 1 minute while she is asking you to pick her up. Then encourage her to do something else and bring her there. I usually asked my DD if she wanted to watch a Dora show while i started to get dinner ready.
when she is about 16 or 17 months old, you can tell her to stop, if she doesnt threaten a time out, if she starts to cry, tell her to stop crying otherwise she will get a time out, if she still crys...give her a Time out for 1.5 mins. My kid didnt understand time out until I did it to her for 4 days in a row. ha ha
However now that she is 19 months, we are noticing that we need to start correcting behaviors that are not negotiable (like hitting mommy and pulling the dogs tail, playing with outlets)

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T.K.

answers from
Chicago
on
July 30, 2010

Instead of saying no, try saying "Not for Susie! Toilet paper is not for Susie! But the teddy bear is for Susie!" I've found that the "not for you" combined with the distraction of another toy works pretty well with my son. My two big "not fors" are computers and cat food.

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S.E.

answers from
Chicago
on
July 30, 2010

Let her cry it out. Do not pick her up. If you continue to pick her up, she may think that misbehaving is a good way to get Mom's attention. So if you pick her up, you are really reinforcing her bad behavior. You can ignore her and just let her cry. Or you can redirect her to something else that you will allow her to do. Telling her no right away is also a good idea. Put don't yell at her. Just say no in a calm way. And tell her want you don't want her to do. Example: "No, please do not unroll the toilet paper." Then take her out of the bathroom and say, "Let's go out of the bathroom and find something else to do instead". Then together you can find something else to do.

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J.P.

answers from
Boise
on
July 29, 2010

At that age they are pushing boundaries and testing you. If I touch it once she says no...what if I touch it twice, or three times, etc. I would definitely *try* to tell her not to touch it, but if you slip up and say no (this usually happened to me when it was a more serious danger), it is okay to hug and ask if you startled them, apologize for yelling, or saying NO, but explain why you did it - because it scared you and it could hurt her and you want her to be safe. Hugging and cuddling is never wrong, even if it is a reaction to the discipline you intended. It is a great opportunity to talk to her about it.

As far as discipline at this age goes, it is more just saying what they can and can't do and redirecting them.

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A.C.

answers from
Cincinnati
on
July 29, 2010

I let my daughter cry it out. It's just a spoiled cry cuz Mom said no. And if it was repeated behavior (kept touching the TV after telling her no), even at that age we'd put her in a little short time out. We would explain why to her, using easy to understand words, before we set her down against the wall, once during her time out & then we'd have a talk afterwards. I have a very well behaving almost 3 year old now. :) Good luck.