Tag Archives: life

Stuck in the wrong lane,
I’m indicating right but they won’t seem to let me out,
This lifestyle is all wrong its not what I’m about i just got in to have some fun but now i straight up can’t get out. Fall down 4 times get up 5 I break the cycle for a week only to meet defeat its a wonder I’m still alive within tainted ill mindstate, the scene is a circus and the clowns are clouding my judgement. I’m filling the void within with junk and feeling zero fulfillment avoiding a reality i do not want to come to terms with, I need so many different people to distract me from the emptiness within but befriending fiends just leaves you tired and fried – high and dry time and time again.
Evade normality all you want but you only suffer in the end seriously getting high just feels like a mixture of purposely pissing away my purpose and wishing away my future time and time again I just wind up feeling worthless. I dont want to get tied up with pointless loose ends and live life like some kind tangled up mess this isn’t me it’s not who I set out to be – the time has come to untie this stubborn knot and fucking break free

Thoughts once quoted by another read: “So which way shall I go? Right, where nothing’s left? Or left, where nothing’s right?”
Life has a tendancy of presenting one with numerous different paths to take, often all at once, ultimately leaving us with a choice to make. Choice can create change, or it can keep us comfortable. With the various opportunities staring you in the face how do you decide which ones you waste?
You must know your goal, your hearts desire in order to find the fuel for your fire. You need to know what you want and yern for the most, in order to be aware of which opportunity you cannot allow to go to waste when it finally presents itself. For if you do not know, the opportunity of your life time could arise simultaneously with many other “choices” and go completely unnoticed until you realise the biggest mistake of your life was not paying attention to what it was that made your heart beat…

I now see that what we want or feel we deserve doesn’t always coincide with what we get or the way things are simply meant to be. Even though we are often tempted to mend certain things; if it ain’t meant to be, what we will continue to see will be pain that won’t cease until we muster the courage required to leave the broken piece of that desire to rest.
Can you ever guarantee yourself a chance to truly find your inner peace?
Clinging to that pain too often seems to send us insane and it’s a shame how hard we can struggle to simply let it go.

One of the major reasons I kept my parents in the dark with regards to my addiction is because I am an only child; their only child. I’m the only life that they brought into this world, and I sure as hell didn’t want them to believe that they failed in raising me; because I couldn’t have had a better upbringing… I just should have made better choices.

Ultimately, any reason that I had to not tell them my problem revolved solely around fear. Whether it was fear of disappointment, or fear of pain; without categorizing it it’s really all the same. They had become aware that there was something I was hiding and my secretiveness in itself began to really cause them pain. Hiding the truth caused us all pain. The three of us are very close and I had created a massive void between us by holding out on them. Finally admitting and explaining the truth lifted the majority of a huge weight off my shoulders, though unfortunately they too now bear the burden that I struggled with upon their shoulders as well. The uncertainty that surrounded their daughter has dissipated now, only to be replaced with concern… But that is O.K.
I have learnt well and truly now that the truth is always better than a lie, regardless of circumstances. Some people unfortunately can not handle the truth; but good, strong people seem to have the guts it takes to really digest it and therefore gain some understanding where it truly counts.

I am currently in the midst of a long and painful process which ultimately requires me coming to terms with a loss I feel I cannot accept. This particular journey has wiped relatively every concept and belief I ever had in regards to life as I knew it. Since having a blank canvas for a mind, the only ideal that has resonated enough to paint any truth with such vibrance on my canvas is the concept depicted in the article that I have linked in this post. Ultimately whether real or not, believer or non-believer this ideal of reality is by far the most benificial belief I have come across so far!

This is the first of a series of posts of which i am going to be writing daily, for the next 21 days starting tomorrow. Today I mentally made the game changing decision that I would, once again, attempt to quit the life sucking drug that has had a hold of me for the past 5 years now. I have never been officially diagnosed by any health professional as an “addict” before because quiet frankly at this stage I can’t see the point in turning to another individual to be told something I am already more than well aware of. I was definitely in deniel of my habit being an addiction in the early days, I did notice my life slowly spiralling more and more out of control from all angels yet I continued to believe this was something I could permenantly stop at any time I decided I truly wanted to. The problem with this drug is that once it has gotten to about this stage, where you have already begun the mentality of excusing the already visible impact it is having on your life; you have already either subconsciously or consciously made the decision that you do not want to stop. If I could see the beginning of the collatoral damage around me and actually believe the “I can stop whenever I want or whenever I really need to” excuse, then my mind is already at the point of creating excuses to avoid recognising it is in the process of deniel, let alone recognise that it is in fact already in the early stages of a full blown addiction. At this point I am still very naive to the reality that I am actually not in control of this drug anymore.
I have tried numerous times over the past 2 years to quit with little success, I attempt it on my own accord and see how long I can maintain the abstinance mentality for before my mind begins caving me at around the 2 week mark with excuses/reasons why I should go get on it and its pretty sad because I only need to think something like “I’ve been off it for 14 days, thats good I feel like a million bucks, I’ll go catch up with ‘friends’ tonight because I am bored I’ve done nothing the past two weeks and its just one night…” until I have that first pipe and boom. That one night is now a three day bender and I have fallen straight back in the habit of a full blown addiction. There is nothing I could possibly loath more than I loath this drug. I am not religious but this drug is the devil. Whether you know it as ice or crystal meth or shard or gear or puff or whatever it is the most evil, mind altering substance I’ve ever seen. I have seen it take a hold of the most beautiful, loyal, respectable minds immaginable and break them beyond repare by taking them so far from themselves that they feel there is no where left to go. If I can’t beat this now I don’t believe I ever will. I haven’t had a good attempt at quitting for a couple of months now… In fact I actually can’t recall the last time I had a week off which is scary… It feels like I’ve let this get completely out of control of late like somehow, somewhere my personal rules lost their relevance. One of my rules that I’ve stuck strongly by over the last 2 years is to not have access to a glass pipe of my own, yet I’ve had one in a draw in my room for the last week. I usually tend to stress out if I am not in bed and trying to sleep by 3am at the latest, but for the past month I have been getting into bed at about 6am. I am 23 years old and living at home, with my parents. I’m an only child so the 3 of us are close but I’ve hidden my addiction from them and this has created a void of which I intend to fill with the truth over the next couple of days. I never wanted to hurt them with the truth of what I do but I really have no choice its now or never.
Anyway tomorrow, I will post on how I handle day #1, once its done.
It takes 21 days to form a new habit. With these daily posts I intend to become addicted to writing and in the process ditch the pipe dreams.

The fact is there is nothing that you can trust; and that is a terrible fact, whether you like it or not. Psychologically, there is nothing in the world that you can put your faith, your trust, or your belief in. Neither your gods, nor your science can save you, can bring you psychological certainty; and you have to accept that you can trust in absolutely nothing. That is a scientific fact, as well as a psychological fact. Because, your leaders — religious and political — and your books — sacred and profane — have all failed, and you are still confused, in misery, in conflict. So, that is an absolute, undeniable fact.
– Jiddu Krishnamurti

Friends come and go no-one sticks around forever but fiends are a breed all of their own; will fake being a mate just to get what they need whatever the deed too lost to find their morals they fall off route, desensitised they lose all sight of what is right. The worst type of nuisance like a weed among roses adding their two cents talking nothing but nonsense you better think twice cause they’ll be planting their seeds branching out, acting ultra nice but keep in mind their interests will never benefit yours remember actions speak loud when words don’t suffice. Whatever the case the chances we get are like the roll of a dice you learn with time who is fake, and who is worth the sacrifice.