Sunday, December 11, 2016

Shameful Marketing from Saturn

Early greetings of the solstice to all of you!

Since John has kept his promise of not attempting to sully my already challenged reputation over the past few months, I volunteered to come on and address what I consider John's annual shameful attempt to market his services. He calls it "shameless marketing", but a solid business speaks for itself and does not require pandering, in my humble opinion.

My purpose tonight is twofold: The first is to remind you that my time of year is coming. I'm the only classical sign ruler with two signs in a row, namely Capricorn and Aquarius. This was of course before the advent of "modern" astrology and its desire, for reasons I cannot fathom, to hand off rulership of Aquarius to Uranus. As much as I respect Urnie as a colleague, he just doesn't have the stability or consistency that it takes to be a sign ruler. But I digress.

I hope that you will remember me during your many and varied solstice celebrations. Back in the day it was Saturnalia, and to co-opt a popular phrase, I hope you will "keep Saturn in Saturnalia" by showing decorum, dignity, and respect for everyone during this time. There's nothing quite like a nice, quiet holiday get-together this time of year, no matter what other planets who will remain nameless might tell you. Out of respect for them, I won't name them here, but they might have all sorts of wild, aberrant suggestions for celebrations that you should probably ignore.

The second and by far least important purpose of my visit tonight is to tell you that John would be honored and humbled if you asked him to read cards or do a chart or two for you or your loved ones during this season of Saturnalia. He has a long way to go in both areas to be considered proficient, but my reports tell me he's at least adequate most of the time. To be honest, if he stopped reading cards he'd have more time to study astrology, which he can definitely use.

For those of you who buy into the myth that John may have some sort of "universal insights" using cards--it sounds crazy just thinking about it!--I have it on good authority that his next time performing said activity will be the evening of December 21, the evening of the solstice, and by far the most respected date on the astrological calendar as the Sun will enter Capricorn. His community will be celebrating the solstice and you will be warmly welcomed.

For those of you looking for other dates during Capricorn and Aquarius, he will also be reading cards on January 14 and 21, 2017.

I hope you have not wasted too much of your time reading this shameful attempt at mercenary behavior on John's part. But please accept my most dignified and restrained greetings as you enter my time of the astrological year. May you and yours have the discipline to do so in moderation.