With marginal revenue on the decline after yet another slow quarter, Dole Fresh Vegetables Inc. has opted for an innovative solution and announced their very first solar-powered line of produce. “Dole has a rich history of selling high quality,...

According to eyewitness reports, two undergraduates sharing a hammock caused widespread disgust and “gross vibes” from other students on Diag. “It was a really nice day today, so I decided to grab a picnic blanket and sit under a tree. Then I...

Though several of her friends had invited her to attend social functions on Saturday evening, senior Molly Wile turned down all their offers in favor of “taking some well-deserved ‘me’ time,” which reports claim was “fucking epic.”...

UHS has recently confirmed that each and every student at the University of Michigan has fallen ill because of sophomore Michael O’Sullivan deciding to slip out of the bathroom without washing because they “didn’t look dirty.” “College...

Citing a desire to bolster his final transcript before graduating, LSA senior Lawrence Jacobson has significantly enhanced his GPA just days before commencement by procuring a set of honors cords from the Michiganensian Grad Extravaganza. “I was...

As the temperature increases in Ann Arbor, students are beginning to hate themselves instead of the depressing weather. “When I walk outside, and it’s 50 degrees, I really can say that it’s not so bad here,” proclaimed LSA Sophomore Mike...