Back in March, Jewel, the Alaskan musician best known for the 1996 smash single “Who Will Save Your Soul” and being the go-to trivia answer for “name an Alaskan musician,” was asked by Walmart to perform at some dreary looking PR event. Evidently she had just released a children’s album (the sign of any successful career), containing such songs as the old Negro hymn “Snooze Button Blues” and “Supermarket Song,” which she reworked to be about Walmart.

Sample verse:

They have stacks of candy in every aisle
And every kind of cereal that goes on for miles
Flour and milk they can be made
Into brown gravy for supper some day

She also rhymes “chicken nuggets” with “yummy yogurt by the bucket.” Yes, a person actually took the time to write that down. Like, a person made up of flesh and blood and feelings and integrity, and not just any person, either, but someone who’s sold over 27 million albums worldwide. Does living in a van for a time entitle you to, ironically, not only not save your soul, but hand it over to Satan wearing a blue vest? Apparently, yes. Suzanne Vega is dialing up Ames headquarters as we speak (shhh, she doesn’t know they don’t exist anymore.)

I’m actually kind of embarrassed to admit this to a bunch of strangers on the internet but my husband is/was actually part of an online community dedicated to the cause of “Saving Surge.” Because those people actually exist, and he will never pack up his cans of Surge — of which, YES — he still owns like a case of. I married well.