Allison and I are getting a later start than usual today and surprisingly it’s not because the WiFi in the ER sucks and we’re waiting for doctors to clear us from the booze poisoning we got after filling our holes with gallons of sweet nectar to get through the MTV Movie Awards last night. It’s my fault we’re Lindsay Lohan-ing today. I dragged my ill ass body out of bed late, because I was sick all weekend and it got worse yesterday and that probably has everything to do with the fact that I binge watched 5 episodes of Glee while completely one hundred percent sober and then watched the MTV Who Ever Shows Up Gets An Award Awards. That combination is a deadly combination and made me feel as beaten down and worn out as Michelle Duggar’s pussy. The Surgeon General should really warn you of the dangers of watching the MTV Movie Awards without some mind-altering shit in your system.

So as an apology gift for my lateness, here’s the Belle of Skid Row Zac Efron (or Zac “Eeeeeee-fron” as MiserAlba would say) flexing, posing and showing off the body that was covered in Fashion Fair foundation (shade: Brown Sugar) and body hair that an assistant put on with glue and donated pubes since he’s as naturally hairless as a sphinx cat’s ass lips. Zac won “Best Shirtless Performance” and when he was nominated last month, he tweeted a promise that he’d accept that craft project trophy if he won. So of course, Zac won, because he’s the only one who showed up to rehearse Rita Ora ripping his shirt off.

Finally, Rita Ora has done something of use!

Yes, Zac tried to hypnotize us with his nipples to make us all forget that he got into a drug-deal-gone-wrong on Skid Row and it worked for a second until I said to myself, “Damn, coke does abs good!”

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