Paranoia runs deep

Cartoon courtesy of Jess Rae of Doodley Squat.

I THINK I have been watching too many episodes of Criminal Minds. Because if I’m not thinking about the unspeakable atrocities committed by countless psychopaths, sociopaths and mass murderers, I’m dreaming about them. On a side note, I would make a great FBI profiler. My weekend consisted of a little too much crime show binge watching, so the paranoia has started to set in. I have been waking up in the middle of the night paralysed with fear. Literally paralysed. I cannot move. Why? Because I’m convinced that strange noise must be a serial killer at my door. During the day, I am on edge — constantly looking behind my back, jumping at loud noises, hiding a knife in my bedside drawer. When I get home from work, I automatically double-lock my doors, close the curtains and madly hang out the washing before it gets too dark. Because, you know, that’s when they’ll get me. I can only imagine the horrors awaiting me if that happens. My eyes being taped open so I have to watch myself endure hours of gruesome torture before dying a long and painful death. I seriously would be the easiest victim for a robber or murderer. My fight-or-flight response is neither one or the other. Because I am so frozen in fear, I can’t even move to fight or flee. Rather, my theory is if I lay still enough under my doona, I will become invisible and the intruder won’t see me. I just hope to God if I was ever in that situation that the adrenalin would trigger my long-forgotten self-defence moves and I would knock the bastard out. However, it is more likely I would scream in terror and end up trapped in the bathroom with nowhere to run. That is why I don’t watch horror movies. That is just too much for my poor heart. I remember one night watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose at my outlaws place and I cried myself to sleep. I tried calling out to them but no sound would come out of my mouth. For weeks afterwards, I would wake up at exactly 3am — the witching hour — before furiously trying to make myself go back to sleep to avoid the demons entering my soul. Yep, I think I should switch to comedies.