Posted on 23 September 2015

Highly conservative Singaporeans who followed the news closely about two panda bears having sex in the Singapore Zoo in April 2015 were aghast to learn that the male panda Kai Kai had failed to fully consummate the union by not finishing inside of the female panda, Jia Jia.

This resulted in speculation that he could be gay and the zoo doctors had to carry out an operation to artificially finish inside the female panda instead.

Now it has been revealed that the female panda is not pregnant after all these months.

One conservative religious Singaporean, Xing Ye Shu, said: “I am disturbed by the fact that we allow such things to happen in Singapore. A failure to finish inside a female is a sure sign of homosexuality because a reluctance to procreate is an immediate failure of heterosexuality.”

“I demand that the Singapore Zoo investigate if there are any more homosexual animals in their midst and flush them out.”

Another conservative religious Singaporean, Tong Xing Lian, said the pandas’ endangered species status is brought about by their own doing: “Homosexuality must have been rampant in the panda species. That’s why their reproductive rate is so low and their eventual decline is their own fault.”

“If they stopped being so gay they would reproduce more.”

At press time, conservative religious Singaporeans who have started their own investigations said that all species of animals are failing to show the proper traditional family unit of one father, one mother and two children, therefore, the Singapore Zoo is complicit in promoting immoral behaviour and activities, besides homosexuality, and is a bad example for families here.

Posted on 31 October 2014

Lawrence Khong to stop using iPhone and even denounce technology altogether.

A major crisis has broken out at FCBC and FotF, two pro-nuclear family organisations in Singapore.

This after it was revealed that Apple’s CEO Tim Cook is gay. The confession was made public on Bloomberg on Oct. 30, 2014.

This has caused members in FCBC and FotF in Singapore who are iPhone users to come to the realisation that they have been secretly financing the gay lifestyle of Apple’s CEO as they have been buying his company’s products, such as the popular iPhone 5 and 6 and Apple tablets.

Some 70 percent of smartphone users in Singapore uses an Apple iPhone.

Yeshu Aini, a local religious person, said: “My entire life is in disarray. I have all along been an Apple fan and bought the iPhone 5 and 6 that were developed under Tim Cook’s charge. Therefore, I have been directly contributing to sin by financing it and this has allowed homosexuality to thrive.”

“No wonder this latest 5.5-inch iPhone 6 feels so good in my hands. It is because this is the average length of the male anatomy.”

The confession by the head of Apple has also caused others to be extra wary as the international scope of deception could also signal that the CEOs of Samsung, Xiaomi and LG are all also secretly gay and waiting for the right time to unveil their deception.

Local magician Lawrence Khong is expected to take to the pulpit on Sunday to encourage his flock to switch to using pay phones from now on, or even better, denounce technology altogether as a whole to be Satan’s work.

Posted on 20 July 2014

Conservative Singaporeans snapped up tickets to the Singapore Zoo this weekend in a bid to monitor if any of the animals in captivity might be openly or secretly gay.

This after conservative Singaporeans were pre-occupied the past week sussing out books held in the National Library and Kinokuniya to find out which ones contained gay elements.

Responding to media queries about why straight Singaporeans who are conservative were so preoccupied with gay activities, Yeshu Aini, a self-proclaimed straight religious Singaporean man said: “The otters were behaving a bit gay, they were huddling and a lot of the male otters were slithering around on top and below one another.”

“What they are doing is very tempting. So it will influence straight men like me.”

Other conservative Singaporeans who were investigating the zoo said the monkey enclosure had to be shut down as it showed a few alpha males enjoying a harem of female monkeys.

Qu Jiao Tang, a local, said: “This is not right. This does not show the traditional family unit of one father, one mother and two children.”

“In fact, nowhere in the animal kingdom does it show a traditional nuclear family of one father, one mother and two children.”