In all likelihood, someone you know is being followed by far more people than you have mustered. Someone you know has more followers than followed. And someone you know is laughing at your dreadful Twitter stats.

Are you scared that this says something negative about you? Well, now you can pin your fears up against a wall and say "boo!" because the enterprising souls at uSocial.net want to help you be touched by thousands of people out there.

Yes, you have to pay uSocial some money. But in this world, money buys you love, adoration, and it seems, socially networked groupies. The splendid thing is that uSocial.net truly wants to fulfill your dreams--that is, if your dream is to be followed by 1,000 new and very interested people. That service will cost you a mere $87.

For $147, uSocial will get 2,500 people to hang on the end of your every 140 characters. However, for those who dream really big, it will use the might of its sleuthy intellect to get you 100,000 new Twitter followers; that'll cost you $3,479.

Perhaps you are wondering why this is such an odd fee. uSocial is offering the service at a 30 percent discount from the usual fee of $4,970. How long might it take to muster up your 100,000 followers? 365 days from the commencement of your order, says the uSocial site.

One man's follower mosaic. I cannot see Oprah anywhere.
MattJohnson/Flickr

Now, there are those among you who simply like to organize large parties. But surely there will be some who actually care who the attendees might be. So, while uSocial does say that the more followers you have the likelihood is that each follower will be worth 10 cents to your business, one wonders if that will be true.

According to the Telegraph, uSocial does try to be a little like Match.com and find followers with some interests similar to your own. Are there 100,000 people out there who, for instance, enjoy the novels of Michael Dibdin, the lamb ragu at Frantoio, the smell of plane fuel at an airport, and people-watching in Seville? Maybe not.

Still, the company may have tapped the vein of a zeitgeist. Perhaps it will soon offer even more refined plans. One day, the company might be so powerful as to get celebrities to follow you. Who wouldn't dream of being followed by those whose money, charm, and talent are as infinite as the horizon? You know, people like Oprah. Right now, despite having more than 1.8 million followers, the doyenne of all human life is following a mere 14 people.

Just imagine what a business uSocial might have if they could bump those 14 up to, oh, 20 million? Or perhaps Oprah might consider that a nice little side business for herself. How much would people pay to be followed by her?

About the author

Chris Matyszczyk is an award-winning creative director who advises major corporations on content creation and marketing. He brings an irreverent, sarcastic, and sometimes ironic voice to the tech world.
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