Sunday, October 6, 2013

I like to think that I know my kids well. I'm the kind of mom who WANTS to know everything. It is my dream for my kids to always feel comfortable enough to tell me anything--and if they can't tell me something, for whatever reason, I want to know them well enough to know when they are hiding something from me! :) I'm the kind of mom who wishes we could just move to a remote area, like say Alaska, and sustain our own lives and not have to deal with all the crazy things that today's society is so involved with. Society can just be brutal and I'm not ready to unleash all the evils of the world upon my innocent and vulnerable children.

I used to think that adoption was complicated. All the emotions involved and the energies it takes to make a relationship, keep a relationship and fix mistakes made in a relationship and to sustain a forever healthy relationship for the better purpose of our children (however, I personally feel that in MY life situation these relationships also greatly benefit me--I NEED these relationships--I LOVE these relationships.) These relationships help me know my children better. They help me know my children in the way that I want. I don't quite understand it myself...but I just feel like having a close relationship with my kids' birth mothers has helped me to know my children in a way that wouldn't be possible if I didn't know their birth mothers at all.

Today I was completely humbled and mortified watching my son watch his father drive away after dropping him off at home. I have no idea what he was thinking and I didn't ask. He generally can't put complex feelings into words, but I will never forget that face. I was humbled because all of those complex human emotions that he is not capable of verbalizing just poured out of his eyes, his face and his body language. I was mortified because my little vulnerable boy should not have been experiencing that moment. My heart breaks that his daddy and I got a divorce. I shouldn't have to be wondering what he is thinking about as his father drives away. I hate thinking about crushing the dreams that each of my children's birth mothers had for their children--to grow up in a two parent home. ugh. Divorce is WAY more complicated for me than open adoption. I know how hard it is for my kids to say goodbye to their birthmothers when they come to visit and now they have to do the same thing with their father. It just sucks.

I am going to make it clear though, that my divorce is final and I want it that way. I never had intentions of being a divorced single mother, but my son's first mother summed it up perfectly...she told me she knew all too well that life can throw a few curve balls. I guess I just didn't want the strike out to happen to me. My kids are doing 1000 times better than they would be if me and their dad were still together. I'm still doing the divorce dance...like do I call him my ex (I hate that) or the kid's dad or other inappropriate names (haha). I'm trying to speak from only my perspective of the experience because that is really the only thing I know. I just hope my kids always know how much they mean to me, how blessed I feel to be their mom, and how honored I am to be there for them in this imperfect life we are living. They will always be my priority--along with God--and I'm looking forward to following the path that has been given to us with a strong heart and steadfast faith.