Isis and Osiris

18 December, 2007

Osiris was thrilled to be invited to a banquet that his brother Set was hosting. Banquets were not common enough in his opinion, especially in the south near Ethiopia where everyone knew that the best parties were thrown. Upon arriving at Set’s house Osiris discovered the 72 guests gathered around a remarkable coffin in the centre of the dining room. All the guests were amazed by it’s beauty and splendour. Set explained to those gathered that it had mysteriously appeared that morning. “Alas it is does not fit me, and so I will give this sarcophagus to whoever can fit inside it”. All the assembled guests tried one by one, but none of them would fit comfortably in it. Even Cinderella didn’t manage. Eventually Set looked to his brother. “Osiris, you look like you may fit in the coffin, I remember your dimensions from the last time we met and I suspiciously measured you. Why don’t you try lying in it?”

“It is a nice coffin.” said Osiris and promptly jumped inside. Immediately the rather obvious trap was sprung. Set and his allies slammed the lid closed and nailed it shut. Singing with glee they took the coffin to the river and threw it in. The coffin sailed down the Nile out of sight. “At last, I shall be King.” grinned the fratricidal Set.

Some time later Isis noticed that her husband Osiris (who was also her brother, they were a bit sick in those days) hadn’t returned from the dinner he was going to. Noticing too that Set had declared himself the King of the Gods, Isis went looking for her husband. After many months of searching she finally discovered him embedded in a coffin, inside a Cedar tree in a far off land. She dragged the coffin back to Egypt and set it down in her palace. Prying open the lid she saw the dead body of Osiris. “This wont do, I’d better get my magical oils.” Alas, the spies of Set were everywhere and so he discovered that the body of his brother had returned. While Isis had gone to fetch her oils, Set snuck into her palace and stole the body. Determined not to have Isis find the body again he hacked Osiris into many pieces and scattered them across the land. Finally he fed Osiris’ penis to a passing fish. Well, the fish looked hungry and it was the only bit of food that Set had with him…

Isis returned to the palace and eventually found out what Set had done. In a move reminiscent of many a computer game or bad fantasy novel, Isis travelled around Egypt collecting the parts of her husband. Eventually she recovered them all, all except his penis. Not one to worry, she fashioned a phallus out of gold and wood and placed it on the rejoined body of Osiris. Then she anointed his body and raised him back to life with both the oils she rubbed on him, and the hot steamy sex they immediately had.

Osiris had died and been reborn, but during his death he realised that the underworld was very badly managed, so he left Isis to journey to the afterlife where he sat on his mighty throne and judged the living and the dead. He had not left Isis alone however, for she had conceived a son, Horus, the Sun Hawk, Osiris reborn in the land of the living. The Son of the Father came into the world, to bring light and life and hope.

Set did not do what many others had done, he did not kill all the infants in order to kill the rightful king. This may have been his undoing, for when the Sun Hawk, Horus, came of age, he battled Set and won. Horus was now King of Life, as his father was King of the Dead.