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Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 87

It may be super hot out there in most parts of the world, but Steam Greenlight is as cold as ever. And by cold I mean all the games are crap and nobody should care. I care, however, At least, I am forced by Lusipurr to care each week while I write this article. I never actually care, though. Nobody sane can. As always these “reviews” are written with 100% bias and without actually playing the “games” in question.

This is just another Russian-made, shovelware trash. Nothing is special about this game, nothing is good about this game. Nobody will ever care about this game. Look at the “professionally translated” description. Yes, the developer claims this was done by a professional translator: “Russian-developed game.” This should be everyone’s first indication that this game is garbage. “My goal was to make a game of quality and funny that it would be interesting to play.” Yes, what a professionally translated sentence! It makes complete sense. And look at all those lies! Quality and funny.” Yeah. Right. “Long ago, when I was young at the beginning of 2000-ies…” So, 15 years ago? Not what I would consider “long ago,” but whatever. “…were playing on your computer…” What the heck! Who said you could play on my computer?! Well, just do not check my browser history. “…I have experienced from games feeling of joy, the phrase ‘play computer’ for me was something incredible.” Okay, so I usually try to make these “reviews” work safe or family friend, but what the HECK does this even mean? Excuse my hard language. “the phrase ‘play computer’ for me was something incredible.” What? Oh, wait this was “professionally translated.” I guess it makes sense. If you are a moron. “My goal is to make it a game, not an interactive movie and not a boring indie that you will buy for the sake of two achievements and collections for 1 buck, a game that will be fun to play.” Well you already failed at thiat. “I don’t have huge resources, capabilities, or expertise to create game-high duration, I expect 1 hour of passage, it’s not much, but I tried to make it so that the game gave you pleasure, not suffering, thank you for your attention.” Hahaha one hour?! Wow, what a great game! I cannot wait.

Best Comment: Dragon: “What does this have to do with India?”

Yes, my favorite games are entirely dark other than a few splotches of color.

If you thought the last game looked bad, just check out this piece of crap. I hate to be lazy and just copy/paste the game’s description again, but this one is too good to ignore. “Color is a dimension. Color is light. At first, Smudge is a pictorial and phonic awareness experience – an artistic work which plunges its audience in a strange aesthetical universe.” Wow, just wow. I have not heard so many BS buzzwords since 30 Rock went off the air. I bet this guy got the biggest boner while writing this crap. It is a Steam Greenlight game, dude. Not a work of art. Maybe a work of fart, however. Hehehehehehehe. “In light of these considerations, also Smudge is a splatter-platformer-puzzle game in which you must find your way in black rooms – without any light – by projecting paint on walls, floor/roof and interactive artefacts which lead you to the exit.” Wow, sounds like fun… for five minutes. “You are blind. Spread colors so as to shape surfaces.” Okay, that does not make sense. If I am blind, how do I see the colors? Did not really think of that, did you, Mr. Developer? Complete. Garbage.

Best Comment: Marfung: “It looks like The Unfinished Swan but without the cleverness of that game, which realised it needed more than that one mechanic to sustain it.”

I do not even know what is happening in this game. It looks like your typical platformer, but apparently there is only one life before a game over? Why would anyone find that fun? Just because a game is hard does not mean it is good. And then there is apparently a multiplayer mode, but I doubt anyone will find someone else to play with. This game is just trash. I do not even feel like writing anymore about it. Instead, I will talk about Suicide Squad. I saw it on Friday, not by choice but only because someone gave me a free ticket. It actually was not that bad. I expected some overly edgy, cringe worthy garbage that would make me want to leave the theater. Mainly from all the dumb viral marketing the studio was doing to promote the movie. And the fact that Jared Leto played the Joker. I would never place it up there with any cinema classics, but it was still fun to watch. That is all.

Best Comment: SnackerZ: “Judging by the copyright watermark on the leg of the character on the first image, They stole someone else’s image. Oh, the game’s shit too.”

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3 comments on “Editorial: Greenlight Round-Up, Vol. 87”

The first game in this post had me hoping that we might see a week without some sort of game development abortion gracing the digital pages of Bup’s article, but then I saw Smudge, which looks like an actual abortion, and Life Is Pain, which is what someone might design if the only experience they had with ‘video games’ was being told, in two sentences, about someone else’s five-minute-long experience playing Commander Keen for the first time.

I assume that Jared Leto channeled his angst for the time he had to spend making Suicide Squad instead of making another shitty emo album into his performance as The Joker. His band is the Steam Greenlight of music.