Are you back? You didn't read it, did you? But you should! It's interesting stuff! I mean, who knew that masturbation was GOOD for you? Both men and women reap health benefits from diddling their bits and baubles. It improves your circulation and releases tension and, hey, you can't get pregnant from it. Awesome, right?

This month-long celebration has generated some strange contests among the more enthusiastic supporters. Check out these "current" (2009-10) records:

The winner of "Longest Time Spent Masturbating/Male" (and also the
World Record Holder in this category) is Mr. Masanobu Sato, who in 2008
masturbated for 9 hours and 33 minutes. In 2009 he extended his record
to 9 hours and 58 minutes. Please note that time records indicate duration (length of time for which a participant masturbated). Damn.

The winner of "Longest Time Spent Masturbating/Female" was set in
2008 by Ms. Kitty Kat, who masturbated for 7 hours and 6 minutes.

The winner of "Most Orgasms/Male" was set by Big Rob in 2010—at 83 climaxes, a world record.

The winner of "Most Orgasms/Female" is Loooo-C, who orgasmed 83 times in 2010.

Makes you tired just reading about it, doesn't it?

Now some of these names don't look real to me, so I can't attest to the validity of the records. However, if anyone wants to take their best shot at beating these people at their own game, feel free to take matters into your own hands. Judging by those records, you might want to notify your employers before you begin.

Call me "Ishmael".

These are the absolutely true stories of Erika - wife, mother of three, and word ninja. When not writing wrongs or battling her nemesis, Dishes Galore, she enjoys poking people with sharp sticks until they make little squeaky sounds. *poke*