This Is Not a Love Mix

Songs not to include on your sweetie's Valentine's Day mix tape

The romantic mix CD is one of the surest-fire ways to wooing a woman’s heart or, if your goals are more base, just getting laid. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, here’s a list of songs you should never, ever include on a mix when trying to let her know just how you feel about her.

The Cardigans: “Lovefool”
“Lovefool” is one of those songs that gets stuck in your head. It’s not quite “Tom’s Diner” by Suzanne Vega, but it lives in the same suburb, which means it’s not suitable for any mix CD. No one song should overpower all other songs on a mix, unless of course it’s a romantic mix and that one song is your song. If “Lovefool” is your song, however, then you’re probably in trouble already. Despite the bubbly sound, it’s all “relationship unhappiness and emotional dishonesty for temporary satisfaction.

Alice Cooper and Marcy Levy: “Millie and Billie”
This duet is just about as boisterous and fun as anything Johnny Cash and June Carter ever recorded (Cooper sounds a bit Elton John, in fact), except, while you’re not paying attention, the singers suddenly confess they’ve killed her husband to be together. Even creepier? Billie’s musings on their future offspring: “They’re frightening and gruesome and sad/ And I don’t want them inside me.” Keep it away from your Valentine’s Day mix CD unless your girlfriend knows who Dario Argento or Tom Savini are. If so, you’re good.

Color Me Badd: “I Wanna Sex You Up”
Irony is the death of all romantic mix CDs, but especially Valentine’s Day mix CDs. This is why “I Wanna Sex You Up,” no matter how much you think it will make her giggle — or maybe even remember the silly big hair she used to have — should never appear on any mix you give her with roses and chocolates.

You’re a dude and, by definition, already want to sex her up. No need to try to be cute about it.

Akon featuring Snoop Dogg: “I Wanna Fuck You”
Whatever I just said about irony goes quadruple for “I Wanna Fuck You.” No matter how funny you think it is, your girlfriend will punch you in the neck for putting any song that starts with, “I see you windin’ and grin’ up on that pole,” on a romantic mix for her. Here’s another free tip for you: No Rap on any romantic mix CD.

The Police: “Every Breath You Take”
This one seems like a gimme. In case you’re one of the blissfully ignorant, though, “Every Breath You Take,” no matter how longingly Gordon Sumner sings for the chick cautiously breathing as he’s watching her from a court-ordered 150 yards, is still about one scary-ass stalker. If you ignore this detail, your girlfriend won’t.

Death Cab For Cutie: “I Will Follow You into the Dark”
“Love of mine, someday you will die/ But I’ll be close behind/ I’ll follow you into the dark,” he sings. What? Really? It’s kind of sweet in some cockamamie way, but, for the sake of a Valentine’s Day mix tape, don’t include songs that tell her she’s going to die and, when she does, don’t worry, you’ll follow her into … wait, is he saying he’ll kill himself to follow her? That’s really messed up.

Rod Stewart and the Faces: “Stay With Me”
Don’t let the title fool you. “Stay with me, stay with me/ For tonight, you’d better stay with me,” Rod Stewart sings while the Faces rock out behind him. “So, in the morning, please don’t say you love me/ ’Cause you know I’ll only kick you out the door.” In other words, do me please but don’t expect eggs. Maybe cereal, but only if you go to the corner store and pick up the milk I forgot to get.

Michael Bolton: “I Said I Loved You, But I Lied”
Apparently “love” is an adequate word to describe how Michael Bolton loves. Of course, it’s not love, because, you know, it’s more than that. That’s why he lied. Don’t hate him for it. Your girlfriend, however, will hate you if you include this Bolton classic (and we use that term contextually, not because we agree).

Anything by R. Kelley
And we mean anything, even the stuff that sounds kind of hot. If a dude pisses on 13-year-old girls for kicks — ahem, allegedly — you have no right helping him pay his lawyers to get him off by buying his music.

ICP: “Love Song”
“Love Song” violates two of our rules for a Valentine’s Day mix CD: no irony, no Rap. And it sucks. “I guess you want me to take you on a big date/ But what you’re saying don’t sound all that straight/ All I wanna do is feel your butt and squeeze your titties/ Cuz I can’t feed your fat ass on a buck fifty.” Ah, nothing says love like Violent J. You know what else Violent J says? You’re an idiot for even consider this song, that’s what.