Kristin Chenoweth in Five Frames

I want to start this entry by saying that I really like Kristin Chenoweth. I really, really do.

I thought she was amazing in Wicked, adorable in Pushing Daisies, and oddly likeable as an alcoholic on Glee.

That having been said, I think the world would be a better place if she didn’t make music videos. She’s got a great set of pipes and I totally dig her singing voice, but if the video for “I Want Somebody” is any indication, I’d probably bludgeon her unmercifully with one of her bony arms within minutes of meeting her in person.

If you’ve been following me on Twitter this Saturday evening—and let’s be honest, what else are you doing on a Saturday night, right?!—you know that I’m just hanging around the homestead watching YouTube videos and, well, somewhere along the way YouTube suggested I watch the aforementioned video.

I figured, what the hell…I mean, how bad could it be, right?

Well…it only takes about five screen shots to explain how bad it really was. Here it is folks, Exhibits A-E of what happened in this video.

At the end, I’m sure you’ll understand why this video isn’t going to be shooting to the top of the charts anytime soon.

Exhibit A:

Early in the song, after establishing that it’s going to have an overly countrified twang, Chenoweth hits us up with a big batch-o-crazy face to establish fear in the viewing audience.

Exhibit B:

At this point, it’s painfully obvious that Chenoweth is hungry for human flesh. She’s set up the music video in a locale that figures to keep people vulnerable and/or locked in to one of those big hair dryer things. Look at that face, it’s feedin’ time.

Exhibit C:

As anticipated, she dupes the unsuspecting dame into a handshake and then, following a screaming prayer to her personal god–Ashrahamalaka–proceeds to chomp on her fingers like a complete maniac.

Exhibit D:

Other gal ain’t havin’ it and is prepared to bail. This does not please Chenoweth. The next scene in the video shows Chenoweth going on a rampage wherein she attacks this lady’s dog (not shown) and then eats her as well (also not shown).

Exhibit E:

Having devoured the rest of the members of the video shoot, Chenoweth celebrates with a crazy-faced, choreographed dance number in front of a green screen, because that’s what Broadway folks do after they’ve satiated their desire for flesh.

…and that’s my take on the video. Granted, that’s probably not actually what happened, but I’m not one to get into semantics.

If you don’t believe me or you’re a good ole fashioned glutton for punishment, feel free to watch the whole video yourself…otherwise you can just assume my rundown of the video is accurate.