Spoof news stories from Monday 20 August 2007

Presidential hopeful Ron Paul was shocked to the hard core today when a French newspaper conducted an opinion poll asking it's readers what international names they recognized and what position they held in world affairs.

LONDON (Defecated News) - It is story that has shocked many animal lovers, but none more than Gladys Funk of East London, who caught her daughter cooking Gladys's cat. The story started some years back when Gladys had invited her...

Naha, Japan - (Toxic Mess): Firemen condemned deadly toxic lead in the undercarriage of an exploded plane - a China Airlines Boeing 737-800 jetliner which burst into a fireball today on the tarmac in Okinawa.

The Presidential Campaign Headquarters of Ohio Rep Dennis Kucinich was found locked and ransacked when staffers returned to work this morning. All damage occurred from about 3 feet high down to the floor. Representative Kucinich was missing - He an...

Belgrade, Serbia - (Ass mess): Veterinary surgeons worked around the clock today to save two grizzly bears from death by food poisoning after the lifeless body of a man was found in their enclosure at Belgrade Zoo.

The first cases of a disease which causes people to turn to stone have been confirmed in Berkshire. Hospital staff have so far refused to comment on how the four victims may have contracted the disease, but it is believed to be caused by a mutated fo...

Sellafield, Cumbria - (Ass Mess): Having fought off fierce competition from the Vatican Crypt and Chernobyl in the Ukraine, the Sellafield landfill site that forms part of the former Magnox nuclear fuel reprocessing plant will host the final resting...

Referees' chief Rob Thickett has confirmed that referee Rob Smiles will miss next weekend's Premier League match after giving himself a red card in the game between Liverpool and Chelsea at Anfield yesterday.

Quahog mayor Adam West announced that he would be suing "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane and 20th Century Fox for copyright infringement for using his likeness and voice in the top-rated cartoon series.

Washington DC - (Ass mess & ReuterUs): Expect a shotgun wedding at the White House on Labor Day! That is the rumor spreading like wildfire across Capitol Hill this week as medical sources close to the White House confirm that Jenna Bush is gestating...

Westminster Abbey - (Arsehole Press): The Archbishop of Canterbury has penned two prayers ahead of credible rumors that the Serious and Organised Crime Squad is about to bust him for peddling bigamous weddings to wannabe royal scoungers, just days aw...

A new Arkansas law, designed to help pregnant teenagers get married, is written as a boon to pedophiles and child sellers. The law allows children of any age, including toddlers, to be married with parental consent.
When the recent state bill was...

NEW YOIK (Defecated News) - A form of technology has allowed scientists to ascertain the level of human intelligence from visual photographic means. The result show, without a doubt, that many Americans are as thick as pig-shit.

VALENCIA, Spain (Defectated News) - After sixty-five years in the profession, there's plenty that Rosana Arbelo can teach the youngsters about being a whore. With such devotion to the job and customer satisfaction as a num...

At a press conference at Yankee Stadium yesterday, The Babe staged a brief return from the dead to complain that the noting of the anniversary of his death (August 16, 1948) always pales in comparison to that of Elvis Presley (August 16, 197...

Flushin Meadows, NY - U.S. Open Officials today announced a radical change to this year's U.S. Open Tennis Championships. Over the years the ball has change from white to yellow and perhaps the most radical change would be the "felt" or...

(Washington) - Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, embarrassed by the number of poor people in the U.S., and wanting their vote, today pledged that, if elected, she will give every poor person in America $50,000 a year for the rest of their live...

Any truth in the rumour that they are inventing a new Cluedo game, "Who relegated Sheffield United?" Was it Chairman Brown in the Boleyn Ground with the dodgy signing? Or Professor Benitez in the Cottage with the dodgy selection? Or most likely, Colonel Warnock in the Premiership with the shit team!...