To sign or not to sign evaluation, that is the question

I have filled out my annual self-evaluation as part of my annual performance review. It's been sitting on my desk for a while. I'm hearing from all sides. I can't decide if I should sign it or not.

It's a darn good self-evaluation. Flattering, if I dare say so. I gave myself the highest possible score in every category, including not jumping the line at the cafeteria.

I summed it all up by pretty much suggesting I am God's gift to journalism and asking my masters to crack down on people who don't subscribe to the paper but read it for free on the Internet. The way I see it, these freeloaders will eventually cut into my earnings and my masters will outsource the column to some distant land where would-be columnists would work cheap. Gilbert, maybe.

Major religious leaders tell me such paranoid exaggerations would be immoral.

Some of my legal advisers tell me it might not be constitutional. Other legal advisers ask me exactly what it is I am talking about. Paid column readers are demonstrating on my neighbor's lawn, demanding that I sign it. They are on my neighbor's lawn because when they started to show up, I put a sign on the lawn saying the guy they were looking for lives over there. Fortunately, my neighbor isn't home.

The main objection to me signing the self-evaluation seems to be that it might lead my masters to wander the streets demanding people show them the receipts for their subscriptions and prove they are not mooching it for free at azcentral.com.

I just can't decide to sign or not. I think I'll ask my dogs, Looney and Loonier. They probably have a better idea than I do.