Jul 30, 2008

West Virginia governor's nephew testifies that the prostitute he paid wasn't all that memorable: "I believe that's when the oral sex took place." (link)

Ah, another day, another politician cheating on his wife. At least (I assume) this one isn't dying of cancer.

Oh, what? It wasn't the Gov, but just his nephew? Then who gives a shiat? I DO!The details about "Cinnamon" giving a "non-therapeutic back massage" are hilarious!

But I'll quote something from the comments page of the original story:

Grannys Girl 66

The Manchin's are just like any other family. Everyone has dirty laundry to air. Whatever is done in the dark will come to the light. First the fake degree for the daughter and the now the nephew has sex issues and who knows what is next for this famous family???? I bet Joe Manchin will not be so popular when it comes to election time this year.

The picture is unrelated, however, it's what popped up when I googled Call Girl Cinnamon. One only wonders what the real call girl Cinnamon looks like...

PEORIA, IL. The following story includes shocking details that are not appropriate for young readers. Hell, it's not appropriate PERIOD. I want to warn you that the allegations surrounding the murder of a Peoria woman are disturbing.

20-year old John Finnegan is charged with first-degree murder in the death of his mother. 43-year old Mary Finnegan was found strangled in her home Friday morning.

In video bonding court this afternoon, Peoria County State's Attorney Kevin Lyons said Finnegan told police he had a four year sexual relationship with his mother. He said he found her asleep in her bed last Thursday and killed her swiftly.

Lyons said Finnegan also told police he (allegedly - an important word not used in the original cut'npaste) had sex with his mother's corps(They misspelled corpse, there) and cut her hair.

"The circumstances [are difficult because they] involve a family and an inappropriate relationship. And it involves a result that is violent. Those things added together are some pretty tricky ingredients. They are difficult for people to absorb [actually] happening on their street," Lyons says.

Lyons says Finnegan staged his mothers' home to appear she had died from a drug overdose.

Mary Finnegan was on medical leave from Caterpillar and being treated for bi-polar disorder.Bond for John Finnegan is set at $2.5-million.

-(Cap'n's Notes: 2.5 million, he'll have to post $250,000... which he can probably come up with that based on the lawsuit to WEEK 25 Peoria for not adding the word allegedly in their story. My other thought. MMmmmmhhhmmm. That is all)-

Jul 29, 2008

These mug shots released by the Three Rivers Police Department show Spencer Taylor, 20. Police arrested Taylor who they say tried to steal posters and other items related to the new Batman movie from a cinema lobby while dressed up as the Joker. Police officers who were dispatched to the Three Rivers 6 theater arrived to find employees restraining a man wearing a purple suit, a green wig and face paint. (AP Photo/Three Rivers Police Department)

Really, though, [Indiana Jones 4] was a challenge getting the story together and getting everybody to agree on it. Indiana Jones only becomes complicated when you have another two people saying ‘I want it this way’ and ‘I want it that way’, whereas, when I first did Jones, I just said, ‘We’ll do it this way’ — and that was much easier. But now I have to accommodate everybody, because they are all big, successful guys, too, so it’s a little hard on a practical level.

“If I can come up with another idea that they like, we’ll do another. Really, with the last one, Steven wasn’t that enthusiastic. I was trying to persuade him. But now Steve is more amenable to doing another one. Yet we still have the issues about the direction we’d like to take. I’m in the future; Steven’s in the past. He’s trying to drag it back to the way they were, I’m trying to push it to a whole different place. So, still we have a sort of tension. This recent one came out of that. It’s kind of a hybrid of our own two ideas, so we’ll see where we are able to take the next one.”

Now, Cubs Nation is not generally not known for violence. Yes, I can show you examples.But my run-ins with the Chads and Trixies at Wrigley typically have no baseball knowledge beyond the past six weeks of the Cubs, filling in a dilapidated urine soaked outdoor beer garden getting so drunk they can't remember the final score and then preening about the "ambiance" of Wrigley and preposterously calling it the "Sistine Chapel of Baseball".

I hope you have all already seen this. If not you are in for a treat. In my life I have been intoxicated and I have gambled and, most shockingly, I have done both at once. This takes the bag, though.

This dude was playing blackjack and apparently is not very good at it. It seems like he had run out of chips. So he grabbed a few ounces of marijuana and bet it. Realizing how dumb this move was he took back his bet (which I would not have allowed as the "dealer") and placed a few buds on the table as a bet.

If I read this I would have been skeptical but here we go:

A fun thing to do is to come up with names for this post. "Pot-sized Bet," "Nuggets of Wisdom," "Stoned Cold Gambler," and "High Stakes" were all considered.

Favre, who thought about retiring and then retired and then unretired and then was going to Carolina and then was going to Tampa and then was going back to Green Bay, a no-show at practice as Rodgers takes over. TA DA!!! (Sports Network)

Jul 28, 2008

As I was looking for interesting articles and happenings of the day, I came across this article. I was a bit puzzled by the language. So I deconstructed it with the power of my feeble mind. Allow me to share this information with you in (special italic Cap'n text!)

Ford Finally Shifts Focus to Offer More Fuel Efficient Vehicles In the U.S.(The word 'Finally - this is an unnecessary word. Finally shows writer's bias. I now know that the writer is a Kool Aid Slurping ClimateFaith thumper)

Ford Motor Company's two-decade obsession with selling Americans millions of gas-guzzling SUVs and pickup trucks is finally waning.(No. Ford Motor Comany sold millions of products that millions of Americans wanted. They no longer want 'gas-guzzling' products since 'gas-guzzling' is not as affordable. Plus, the word finally is used again. As if Ford was forcing only these products onto their customers.)

The company announced plans to drastically shift its focus to building more fuel-efficient cars. Ford plans to convert three of its North American assembly plants from producing trucks to cars, and to realign its factories to manufacture more fuel-efficient engines. Ford will also begin domestic production and sales of six of the car models it currently sells only in Europe.(Simple meaning, supply and demand is forcing a business re-alignment. And according to the information, Ford has been focused on selling fuel efficient cars, has been building them, but can only SELL them to their European customers.)

Many Americans are reacting to high gas prices by purchasing smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles, and since Detroit had little to offer to meet those priorities, Japanese automakers have capitalized on surging consumer demand for their more fuel-friendly cars and hybrids.(Yes, this information is true. However, Ford OWNED the SUV and especially the American Truck markets, which has a much higher profit margin than sedans and small vehicles. Why would Ford build unwanted sedans and small cars when they can sell more trucks, and more importantly at much higher profit levels than sedans or small cars? They didn't. But they are now.)

Ford posted the worst quarterly performance in its history this week, losing $8.67 billion in the second quarter. The company lost $15.3 billion in 2006 and 2007 combined. Ford slashed more than 40,000 jobs in the past three years, and sold off three of its European luxury brands to raise money to cover the losses from declining SUV and truck sales.(This paragraph illustrates my point exactly. There's less profit because there are fewer SUV and truck sales. There is less profit for two reasons, the insane amount they were making on the SUV and truck sales, and when that market dried up, they had less product in the sedan and small lines, and the Japanese automakers do. Double whammy. Perhaps they expected gas prices to level off?)

The company is faring only slightly better than General Motors, which is facing the possibility of bankruptcy thanks to Detroit's collective gamble that Americans would keep buying big trucks and that gas would remain cheap. Honda announced record profits for the quarter, and Toyota beat General Motors in worldwide sales in the first half of the year, setting a pace to strip GM of its long-standing title as worldwide auto sales leader.(The language here is a bit harsh - collective gamble? The writer is comparing one of the largest American corporations to my degenerate Uncle Vick? It is not false information though, but the wording leaves an aftertaste. And in the final paragraph, there is a little hint of recognition of supply and demand and economic forces at play. However, it does not redeem the writer for insinuating that Ford forced Americans to buy Stupid Useless Vehicles... They did that on their own. And Ford was there to sell 'em what they wanted.)

(Omissions? How long does it take a battleship of a corporation like GM or Ford to turn around their organization to deal with changing market forces or fads? I'm going to guess about 3 years? Maybe 5? That might have been helpful in this article.

Look, I don't like Ford. Haven't since I was a kid... in Detroit! It still doesn't make the author of the original article less of a biased jerk-off who should probably be writing commentary, not business articles. And shame to the editor who let this language pass. If I want biased crap I'll listen to talk radio or watch the CBS Nightly News.

Perhaps the article should have read: Ford changes gears to shift Focus on fuel efficient fleet Fusion. Oh, then it's just an ad for Ford? I disagree, as I think this evokes the standard AP copywriter's equivocation and witticism. The debate continues in the comments bar.)

The Times of London is the first major newspaper to run a feature on the John Edwards/Rielle Hunter scandal. Once again, a bunch of foreigners are doing the jobs Americans won't do. (more on that here)

Senator John Edwards, whose wife has cancer, has been caught in a sex scandal that ends his vice-presidential hopes.

Jul 27, 2008

The deal that Devin Hester showed up Friday to work out was finally hammered out Sunday, with the Bears agreeing to a four-year contract extension with the wide receiver/return man that could be worth as much as $40 million.

The contract, which locks up Hester with the Bears through 2013, includes $15 million in guarantees—the type of reward he was looking for after holding for two days in protest of a scheduled $445,000 salary. Incentives bump him another 10 million if he turns out to become a receiver in the last year of the contract.

Jul 25, 2008

The veteran QB plans on faxing a letter seeking reinstatement to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell as early as Friday. Are you surprised? Me neither. (link)Hey, can we start calling him Magic Johnson? Perhaps MJ would be a better parallel?

But the Packers are in a horrible situation .

On March 6, the Packers were rid of Favre's $12 million salary and confident in the knowledge that they were moving forward with a young QB and helping him develop.On July 25, the Packers have to now find a way to either accommodate Favre's $12 million salary or trade him to a team he deems acceptable.

This probably isn't over....

BearsThey zig, he's not there... they zag, he's not there... Hey, Devin Hester's really not there!There's some really cleaver parallel to Devin Hester sitting out camp for more money and the mortgage crisis... but it's Friday afternoon, and I don't really want to write that right now...

Tennessee Titans discover an amazing new way to practice. Apparently, if you put lights on the practice field, you can practice at night!

CUBS1) Cubs shore up pitching staff, call up Jeff Samardzija. Over/under on "you know, he played football at Notre Dame" references on tonight's Sportscenter is at 50. I'll take the over2)Mark Cuban may soon be arguing with the umpires daily at Wrigley, makes the final round of bidding for the Cubs.METS - Meet the Mets. The first place New York Mets.

Jul 24, 2008

In a lousy attempt to take another 30 bucks from me, comingsoon.net has confirmed that all three - er - make that six, Six Star Wars films will be released in 3D!

This info was floating around for about a year - well - ever since James Cameron said he was going to do it with Avatar.

Apparently, the cost of converting a traditional 2-D movie into 3D is between $50,000 and $100,000 per minute. Do you think that Lucasfilm will be able to make their money back? Does anyone care to see this or is it just another case of Lucas screwing around too much with the franchise?

Most of this was Cutn'Pasted from a story by Robert Parry. July 21, 2008

The conservative-dominated U.S. Appeals Court has opened the door for President George W. Bush or a successor to throw American citizens – as well as non-citizens – into a legal black hole by designating them “enemy combatants,” even if they have engaged in no violent act and are living on U.S. soil.

The federal Appeals Court in Richmond, Virginia, ruled 5-4 on July 15 that Bush had the right, while prosecuting the “war on terror,” to hold Qatari citizen (and Peoria, Illinois, resident) Ali al-Marri indefinitely as an “enemy combatant.”

But some of the court’s more liberal judges expressed alarm, saying the legal reasoning that denied al-Marri meaningful due process not only trampled on American legal traditions but could be used to lock up U.S. citizens as well.

“For over two centuries of growth and struggle, peace and war, the Constitution has secured our freedom through the guarantee that, in the United States, no one will be deprived of liberty without due process of law,” wrote Judge Diana Motz, a Bill Clinton appointee, who dissented against the court’s approval of sweeping presidential powers.

Motz noted that al-Marri has been imprisoned for more than five years, “without acknowledgement of the protection afforded by the Constitution, solely because the Executive believes that his indefinite military detention – or even the indefinite military detention of a similarly situated American citizen – is proper.”

Al-Marri’s lawyers plan to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, and the case underscores one of the biggest issues at stake in the November elections: whether Republican John McCain will get to fulfill his promise to appoint more Supreme Court judges like Samuel Alito and John Roberts, who have embraced Bush’s vision of an all-powerful President.

As you know, I've been a champion of Gitmo - mostly because the alternative throughout human history has been to just kill your enemies. Gitmo is an evolution of war - where instead of battlefield deaths, and left for the flies, the United States has taken the people who have shot at them to a beautiful communist tropical island paradise. Yes, to torture them like Kiefer Sutherland on a bender, but they're ALIVE... I guess we can't agree that this is a step forward? Okay. And seeing as how the due process that was granted to the folks being held in Gitmo have been granted by the SCOTUS - there's a real doubt that this situation will move forward.

But there's real doubt there.

Also, what the hell was this guy doing in Peoria IL?

Al-Marri entered the United States on a legal student visa, along with his wife and children, only a day before the 9/11 attacks. He was arrested amid the panic and fear that followed the attacks, and was charged criminally in a credit-card scheme.

But the Bush administration then asserted that al-Marri was an al-Qaeda “sleeper cell” agent planning follow-up attacks, declared him an “enemy combatant,” and locked him up at a Navy brig in South Carolina, where he was held incommunicado.

Eventually, al-Marri challenged his indefinite detention through a federal court suit. Bush’s lawyers countered by citing the Military Commissions Act in seeking to deny him access to civilian courts.

In an affidavit submitted to a District Court, a U.S. counter-terrorism official alleged that al-Marri had received al-Qaeda training, was prepared to engage in a suicide attack, and had met personally with Osama bin Laden and other senior terrorist leaders.

He was going to suicide bomb Peoria? Who the hell would have noticed that?Either that, or that was the best attempt to hide I've ever heard of. In light of this new information perhaps, maybe just perhaps we shouldn't underestimate these terrorist sh*theads?

Not only is McCain not depicted as a caricature of feverish political imagination (he doesn't even look half bad here, actually), but there's not a bit of exaggerated element in the pic. Oh, sure, save perhaps the burning Constitution in the fireplace. And was it really McCain that is associated with the BBQ of that old parchment?

Ole' Cindy enjoys her pills... and the McCain family likes the incumbent well enough to hang a portrait of him. Oooh. Damningly funny.

The walker? Old joke. That's another Dud.

Again, to beat that dead horse - the last one wasn't funny. This isn't even a good parody of the New Yorker. What the hell, people? Is satire completely dead? Hell, the Masthead of this Blog is funnier than the goddamned Vanity Fair cover.

Jul 22, 2008

There's so much coverage of Obama, that now the media is covering the media over covering Obama on his trip. My head is going to asplode. I'm fairly sure the feedback will end soon.

From CBS News:

It has been an Obamathonever since the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee touched down in Afghanistan. At today's press conference in Amman, a throng of reporters recorded his every move. In total, 200 journalists requested seats on “Air Obama” -- 40 of them were accepted. The bill for the trip? About $20,000 each.

In contrast, Katie Couric pointed out, as if CBS News couldn't have done anything about it, that “last night John McCain arrived in Manchester, New Hampshire” and was greeted by just “two journalists waiting on the tarmac.”

And then the CBS Evening news ended with the following:

COURIC: But will this summer of love last? And will voters want to go steady with Barack Obama? We'll find out in November. And that is the CBS Evening News for tonight. I'm Katie Couric in Amman, Jordan. Thank you for watching. Good night.

My hat is off to you Mrs. Couric. First, I only thought that AP writers could be that scintillating. Second, in one simple sign out - you have tarnished and trivialized the final speck of prestige that your once mighty flagship news organization once deserved.

Gnomish, Harley-riding media Methuselah and Tribune Co. boss Sam Zell inspires a TAD bit of resentment amongst his minions, mainly for doing things like laying them all off while cussing them out. But his ex-Tribune employees are now striking back—on a blog! Ooohhhh.... Prepare to be hoisted on the new media petard of broke, grizzled newsmen, Mr. Zell the multimillionaire!

The blog, TellZell.com, what got a sympathy writeup in the NYT this weekend. And while it has some fire in it, it's ultimately a sad relic of the once-mighty newspaper industry. A recent post, for example, contains a bunch of farewell letters from Tribune staffers:

"Perhaps I hid behind the smallness of my cog's place in the big machine here, or the fact that I worked in what is perhaps the best photo journalism department in the nation kept me from feeling too worried, but with the loss of talent over the last year or two and the seeming lack of any vision in regard to the future of true journalism (other then to hold to the cliff's edge for as long as possible), I feel that I need to say something, however insignificant it may be.*" (*yes, it is)

"The Times literally changed my life. I came here as a musician who occasionally wrote and I'm leaving as a guy looking for work as a writer (not that I, the son of a composer, could ever stop being a musician). I'm proud of having contributed to this paper."

This is a fantastic site of crying crybabies who thought that going private was a great idea - and they're actually SURPRISED that they're getting canned... and in the site they're complaining and fearful of all the Strike Breaking IT hard ware coming in to take the rest of their jobs.

(these things are called networked computers, just so you're in on it)

The best part? Its chance of impacting Sam Zell is... well, there's no chance! Bhahahahhahahaaahhahaaaaa HHAHAhahahahahhahhaaaaa!

Jul 21, 2008

Kerry Wood is on the disabled list for the 12th time in his career. (Da Link)

"I got blisters on my fingers!"

That means Carlos Marmol will assume the closer's role in Arizona and for most of the four-game series against the Marlins. Marmol pitched a perfect ninth Sunday with a seven-run lead after being booed at Wrigley Field last week when he blew a five-run lead in the ninth inning.

I'm the only slug on the planet who didn't make it out to see the Batman movie this weekend. I guess a few of you did... as it has broken 9 records.

"In its first six days, DK will have grossed more than the entire run of director Chris Nolan's first installment Batman Begins. [DHD]"

Even J from Chi - who has a family member IN the movie -- 3 times if you pay attention said, " I don't know what to say that's already been said by critics and everyone who has seen it. Some fanboys had some minor nit-picky things to say, but they're going over it with a fine-toothed comb. All I can say is strap into your seatbelt and hold on, cuz this movie paces itself well and doesn't really slow down at all. "

All I have to add is this:If you're a fatass fanboy wearing face paint, no matter how much money the movie brings in, it's still not going to get you laid.

Reporter Jim Abrams found that "Now, lawmakers quietly are talking about raising fuel taxes by a dime from the current 18.4 cents a gallon on gasoline and 24.3 cents on diesel fuel." But the lawmakers he cited were Reps. James Oberstar and Peter DeFazio, both Democrats.

The AP story gives no indication of how many current highway dollars are spent on earmarks, pet projects (pork) or the fact that the highway budget is simply increased every year without so much as the batting of an eyelash.

Just three years ago, that trust fund enjoyed a surplus of $10 billion. Even without a tax freeze, the fund is projected to finish 2009 with a deficit of $3 billion. That that could grow as Americans drive less and buy less gas because of higher pump prices.

The consequence is that only about $27 billion in federal money will be available next year to states and local governments for new infrastructure investment even though the current highway act calls for spending $41 billion a year. For many, the solution is to raise rather than suspend or cut federal fuel taxes, which haven't changed since 1993.

Now, gentle readers, it has taken a LONG time for me to get used to the idea of a usage tax. But I have. I use the Interstates, and some toll ways and for that I should be taxed for the use and maintenance of those roads. I do not agree that gas taxes should be used for anything except roads, because I've bought into the premise that gas is what pays for the Interstate. In other words, don't touch that cash for rail - and fix the goddamned roads. And do it quickly!

However, the story just listed some goals:

Oberstar, D-Minn., said his committee is working on the next long-term highway bill. He estimated it will take between $450 billion and $500 billion over six years to address safety and congestion issues with highways, bridges and transit systems.

"We'll put all things on the table," Oberstar said, but the gas tax "is the cornerstone. Nothing else will work without the underpinning of the higher user fee gas tax."

At the very least, the gas tax should be indexed to construction cost inflation, DeFazio said.

The rest of the article explained how Americans pay hardly anything for roads compared to the Europeans in Europe. Typical. So in order to offset those differences they will...

...gradually increase the current federal fuel taxes to 40 cents a gallon.

The American Road & Transportation Builders Association is calling for a 10-cent-a-gallon raise and indexing the tax to inflation. With construction costs soaring because of competition for building materials from China and other developing nations, the tax rate would have to be about 29 cents a gallon to achieve the same purchasing power as the 18.4-cent rate imposed in 1993, the association says.

And then there was this little stinger at the bottom, almost an afterthought:

Other ideas that will be on the table when lawmakers write a bill next year including more toll roads and public-private partnerships, congestion pricing and user fees where drivers pay a tax based on how many miles they drive.

Uh, how is that not insane? When they also allow people to take a deduction based on how many miles they drive? That offsets, doesn't it? Like I said, I'm for usage fees... not NEW usage fees. If there is less money coming in because people are (gasp!) not driving as much then logic dictates that there's less usage for those roads? Sure they're still crumbling into dust. Sure the Interstates were nothing more than Ike's guarantee that the Nation wouldn't plunge into another Depression.

But, shouldn't Congress have a system in place to anticipate less usage, or slash silly pork barrel projects... WHO AM I KIDDING?!!?

Perhaps it's just time we broom out all these idiots? I like that idea much more.Problem is, with Congress, everyone hates Congress, but loves THEIR guy.That's the uphill battle that needs to be fought.

Vote 'em ALL out, and that starts in your home district.Perhaps I'll steal an environmental slogan...

Jul 17, 2008

Today in 1913 was the first pie in the face routine ever performed on film. Mabel Normand pied Fatty Arbuckle in the silent film A Noise from the Deep. A few years later the first "pie" in the face porno came out, The Boys Go In Deep.

Jul 16, 2008

For years, the couple tried to marry on their Independence Day anniversary. But the bride was always scheduled to work. Instead of waiting any longer - she got the day off at the last minute; Mathis had to report for the morning shift - the couple of nine years decided to seal the deal at work.

The result was what a NASCAR tailgate might be like if Hank Jr. himself stopped by with all his rowdy friends: Loud and proud - country music, storytelling and plenty of Dale Earnhardt paraphernalia - and not an iota of pretentiousness.

Shortly after exchanging vows under the shade of a tree next to the parking lot, both man and wife let out sighs of relief as they picked up their two little blonde girls and chatted with family and friends.George "Bubba" Mathis puts on his shirt and tie before the start of his wedding ceremony in the parking lot of the Waffle House. Mathis married his girlfriend and fellow Waffle House employee Christian after he completed his morning shift at the restaurant.

Elizabeth Dole's gall actually but that is not a catchy mid-80's pop song which the readers can tap their foot along to. Bring out the timelines!

1988: On the Kennedy-Hatch AIDS bill: "There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy."

1994: Exclaims from the Senate floor that homosexuality is "degenerate" and homosexuals "weak, morally sick wretches."

1995: "The New York Times and Washington Post are both infested with homosexuals themselves. Just about every person down there is a homosexual or lesbian."

1999: Introducing anti-gay bill: "This bill attempts to make sure that President Clinton is not allowed to do by Executive Order what Congress has declined to enact in the past two congressional sessions namely, to treat homosexuals as a special class protected under various titles of the Civil Rights Act of 1964."

2008: Elizabeth Dole introduces amendment that will rename the international AIDS bill the "Tom Lantos and Jesse Helms United States Global Leadership Against HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria Reauthorization Act of 2008."

“We, as long as Fox will have us, want to keep doing it…The task that we face at 'The Simpsons' is trying not to repeat ourselves, trying to come up with new ideas that we haven't done ourselves already.” And...still no plans for another movie at this point.

He had this to say about the voicers’ new salary pact, which pretty much means the show’s now saddled with TV’s equivalent of the Yankees payroll: “You know, one of the reasons why TV shows that are on the air for a long time go off the air eventually is because it becomes more and more expensive to do. So I hope we avoid that. Yeah, I want everybody in this room to get rich off 'The Simpsons.' Everybody works really hard. So yes, and people need to be compensated, and I'm happy for 'The Simpsons' cast. I've been working with Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, since 1987 on 'The Tracey Ullman Show' and I think of Hank Azaria and Harry Shearer and some others as the new people because they didn't come on until 1989, when the show started. And I love this cast. Al will say this, we're knocked out by them when they give me good lines, as good a line as you can, and they take it to another level.

“They're fantastic, and I want them to be as rich and unhappy as anyone in Hollywood."

“They'll never stop The Simpsons,Have no fears, we've got stories for years,Like - Marge becomes a robot,Maybe Moe gets a cell-phone,Has Bart ever owned a bear?Or, how 'bout a crazy wedding?and something happens a do-do-do-do-doooo,Sorry for the clip-show,Have no fears, we've got stories for years.”

"...The folks at the New Yorker are very smart, very learned, learned people, but once you get outside of the confines of Manhattan and the Upper West Side, you sort of begin to wonder if anyone-- if there was a conversation around the table about how will this be viewed by people who won't necessarily get the joke."

Or... you could say that this isn't a joke at all - because some people believe these images as fact. (look 'round the internet for more than five minutes, you'll see what I'm talking about) And that's not because people are racists - it's because of Hillary's people sending those stereotyped 'jokes' about Obama all over the internet and mailed in pamphlets, and spoken to her Democrat primary voters! You can't get away with blaming this on Karl 'Where'd You Go?' Rove? Way to go team Democrat!

First off - it's a terrible attempt at humor. It's not funny. Oh, wait, it's the New Yorker.Second - Obama should be pissed, but SHOULD have laughed it off and said how stupid, and NOT funny the thing was. He could have gotten a jab into John McCain by asking for equal time - and looking forward to the un-funny cover of John McCain trying to figure out a Nintendo Wii...Third - It's the New Yorker. Who really gives a sh*t?Four - Let me ask you another question. Who is it that gets upset over stupid cartoons? Could it be... Muslims? They get kind of stabby and blow-uppy about such stupid things. Way to play it... way to play it gang.

I just read a story that claims that China has nabbed 82 people from 5 different terrorist groups ready to wreak havoc and sabotage the Olympics.

This information was gathered from the state-run Xinhua news agency.

"Police in the regional capital also detained 66 gang members of the 'three evil forces' of terrorism, separatism and extremism, and destroyed 41 training bases of 'holy war' from January to June," Xinhua quoted Chen as saying. But is that 66 part of the 82, or are we not adding that up right? Does it matter?

The government says it has foiled a string of terrorist plots this year hatched from Xinjiang, a mainly Muslim region where Beijing accuses militant Uighurs of working with al Qaeda to bring about an independent state called East Turkestan.

Xinhua on Wednesday said that Chinese police had shot and killed five people they said were seeking "holy war" against the country's dominant Han Chinese.

In April, public security officials said authorities had foiled plots to kidnap athletes and carry out suicide attacks during August's Games. China earlier said had foiled a plan by Uighur separatists to bring down a Beijing-bound plane. ...which was reported on Blasphemes for you there.

Many Uighurs resent the migration of Han Chinese to the region and government controls on their religion and culture.

"What China claims simply is not true," said Dilxat Raxit, spokesman for the exiled World Uyghur Congress. "Wanting to boycott the Games is not the same as wanting to damage them."

Some Uighurs and Tibetans claim they are being targetted indiscriminately ahead of the Olympics. On Tuesday, China deported a British Tibetan woman it said was a key member of a pro-Tibet independence group. She denies the allegations.

(RTTNews) - Bush has given Israel a go-ahead to begin preparations for a military strike to take out Iran's nuclear facilities. That's OF COURSE only if diplomatic efforts fail to persuade them to halt their uranium enrichment program.

The Bush administration is said to have informed Tel Aviv that he would back an Israeli plan to strike Iran's main nuclear sites with long-range bombing sorties despite opposition from U.S. generals of the possible economic and political repercussions of such a strike.

The American President has given Israel an "amber light" to start preparing for a possible offensive. "Amber means get on with your preparations, stand by for immediate attack and tell us when you're ready," the reports said. However, the U.S. would not lend military support for such a strike nor would Israel jets be permitted to take off from American military bases in Iraq, the reports said. Uh, yeah... sure....

Additionally, Washington would also not give a "green light" to the attack without irrefutable evidence that the Tehran is involved in military preparations of its own, the reports added.

Why not? Because they all got impeached last time? He was spanked and censored by Congress? He was brought up onTitle 18: Section 1001 (no I hadn't ever heard of this statute either, and why isn't Dennis using this?)

No really? Why not a green on the board, George? Oh, you're going to let the Israelis take the blame if it doesn't go well, aren't you?

After months of pretending to not wanting to be bought out - only to find out they were playing hard to get - Budweiser accepted InBev's 50 Billion dollar buyout/take-over price.

Of course, this is phony money anyway, because it was only 25 Billion to the European based InBev. But that's going to cause some problems for the hard working brewmasters and distribution folks who work for Bud -- because InBev is going to go into real debt to pay for this little purchase, and we all know this equals cutbacks. The Clydesdales will be the first to be traded to the glue factory. Bud Select, I'd be looking for a pink slip in your locker pretty soon too. Why? Because you were 'selected'.

Technically it will still be an American beer as InBev already stated the intend to leave Budweiser brewing and distribution in the United States alone.

This acquisition is entirely to gain access to the brand for international markets and create savings based on larger more comprehensive brewing and distribution networks. Sure. That might work... if you believe everything you read in a press release.

But then there are other intangibles, such as falling market share and good will. Let me elaborate with this little cut'nPaste:

Charles Carpenter, who signed the Savebudweiser.com petition wrote, "I'm proud to drink American! If AB is not American-owned, I'll be sure to enjoy another American beer."

Wally O'Neill, the bartender at the Elks lodge in Wachtung, N.J., echoed that sentiment and said club members there would not keep drinking Budweiser.

"That would be a problem here," O'Neill said. "Let me put it to you this way: This is an America-first type of place. We've got a lot of old school people here who don't like seeing the country sold out. Anheuser-Busch selling out to the Belgians is like Ford or GM selling out to the Japanese."

Yes, I agree and think you're going to find the Vietnam vets who still drink this stuff are going to be reaction-angry once they hear about it. It probably won't help that Bud's current ad campaign is pointing out what an American institution their company and product are. Here's to you dumbass campaign-while were in negotiations to be bought out by the Belgians. I think the 'loyal rank and file' customer base will eventually seek out Coors/Miller products. Remember, Coors/Miller products have combined forces about a year ago... which I thought was a bad idea, now seems quite forward thinking, as it kept them both protected from InBev's powerful EuroDollars.

(EuroDollars are like American dollars, but they're worth more than twice as much! And they've got cool colors!)

And another thing, this is just one more thing that Americans can't do anymore -- make crappy, watered down beer?

Jul 12, 2008

Ah, remember the days of yore where gentlemen would try a stunt, say to fill a VW bug or a phone booth full of people? The boys attending a Brigham Young University Especially for Youth camp at the Eastern Michigan University decided to give it a whirl.

On an elevator.

Fifteen teens, ranging from ages 14 to 17, were then taken to area hospitals after being stuck, in between floors, for about an hour. They were taken away in ambulances and treated for dehydration.(Here are the details.)

All I can say, is that my immediate, and only thought was that this would be a story about a particular fraternity that seems to make the news - the national news - quite a bit.

My second thought - dehydration? These dumbasses were drunk, and couldn't hold their bladders for one hour?

The picture is unrelated to the story - as you see as Sean Ashton-look-alike with females in a packed elevator.

Jul 11, 2008

We've gone from "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" to "No wait, it might be jalapeno peppers." "Oh and also cilantro." (a source) (also see OneF's post) for food items that will kill you this week.

And now I've got a story from one of our good and trusty followers and readers - J from Chi.He's sick with symptoms that seem to mimic E Coli. Sure he's only got anecdotal facts to back his story up -- but there IS a beef recall that I hadn't heard about...and I read a lot of news - and I haven't seen this reported at ALL by our trusty popular press.

Here's his letter,

"Dear Cap'n,Myself and at least 4 other people I know got sick from eating meat over the last week. It looks like it may be traced to Ohio and Nebraska. Just a heads up. Here's a link to the USDA if you want more info. (his Link to the USDA)

The other people were not with me, all separate incidents. But I founditcurious that they all occurred over the last week...people eating beef,whether it be Italian beef, hamburger, etc. Same type ofsickness...vomiting, diarrhea, dehydration.

I had a cheeseburger at George's Hot Dogs, located on Damen just southof Armitage (not sure you need the location) in Chicago."

Thank you J, and I hope you get better real soon. You might also want to see if you can get info about getting in on the class action lawsuit against the meat packer that allowed their mis-handling of their product to cause your illness.

E. coli O157:H7 is a potentially deadly bacterium that can cause bloody diarrhea, dehydration, and in the most severe cases, kidney failure. The very young, seniors and persons with weak immune systems are the most susceptible to foodborne illness.

Apparently, so are our readers.

*side note - If you're a straight male, and at work, don't ever do a google image search for 'bad beef' with the safe image feature turned off...

A little explanation for non-Chicagoans or non-sports fans before I get going. Chicago Bulls were terrible for many years after the Jordan era (not that they are so good now) so they increased the non-basketball entertainment in order to draw more fans. These items included unicyclists, contortionists, amusing videos, the Budweiser "Real Men of Genius" guys, and an assortment of other acts that would make Ed Sullivan proud. One of the was an act called the Matadors.

The Matadors are obscenely obese and unhealthy superfans that do a cheerleading number in between quarters. It is funny for about 30 seconds. The act takes about 2 minutes. I think it is in hopes that the inevitable heart attack that will occur will make the players win one for Bubba.

Anyway, it looks like the Disney corporation has written a movie called the Matadors about superfans (yet to see how fat they are film-wise) that cheerlead for a sports team. It is not known if it is about the actual Matadors or even the Bulls but I hope it is. It would be more likely if Chris Farley was still alive.

I need to teach my child how funny and lovable it is to get real fat and then dance. And if I need some catchy tunes and G-rated comedy to drive that point home a little better for me.

I would also like the re-release of Song of the South on Blu-Ray so that I can teach her all about black people and how they live their lives. I believe it is important for a child to be well versed in all of America's cultural options.

Yesterday, Karl Rove refused to appear before the House Judiciary Committee to testify about the politicization of the Justice Department, despite a subpoena. During the hearing, Rep. Chris Cannon (R-UT) revealed that Rove had not only skipped out of the hearing, but had skipped out of the entire country.

So, let's put the debate of what executive privilege is and who that extends to aside... if you ignore a Congressional subpoena, then bail the county, and flip the bird to Congress... that's normal and customary behavior, right? I mean, this isn't the actions of a person who has anything to hide, right?

I think it looks a little bit like Daffy Duck going batshiat insane, but that's just my opinion.

This story ends in January when George throws a pajama pardon party the night before the inauguration ball.

Jul 10, 2008

Anti-Gay Alabama Attorney General Troy King was caught being very Pro-Gay with his surprisingly Pro-Gay homosexual assistant. Bonus, this Pro-Gay behavior was discovered by his wife. Double hypocrisy family values word score - in his own bed. This is the rumor that the AG’s office has officially denied, so now of course everybody is spilling the sordid details.

And I was going to avoid politics . . . I was kind of hoping deep down that perchance this Obama character would be a little Lincoln-esque. An outstanding orator from Illinois who believes in equality, freedom, and only blowing the shit out of those who deserve it. I was hoping he would change the tone of our country and return us mildly respecting one another at least until we have had a few beers in a Packers bar. I hope that I am not so far from the truth as I am afraid I may be.

But as it stands now this is what we have. We not only do not respect ourselves as fellow Americans but we seem to go out of our way to insult other countries. We insult their leaders and we insult their culture. It's always been a little fun to mock the French but if you pass a law mocking them you best be careful to not get caught trying to Freedom Kiss an undercover cop in the shitter (bathroom not . . never mind). Now it would be hysterical in a David Lynch film but in real life it gets embarrassing.

No reports from any U.S. sources (fancy that) but look what is in the London Telegraph today.

The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."

He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.

Mr. Bush, you are an arrogant, thoughtless, evil, hateful, destructive son of a bitch who deserves impeachment. Seriously. Everyone figures it is a waste of time because you are limited in time left in office. I say it would send a message to the rest of the world that we are sorry. I think it may make future presidents of the United States a little weary of doing illegal shit in office. I think it would prevent the biggest, most insulting line of pardons America has yet to see.

We just have to do it for actual illegal activities that he has committed. This may be another reason he will not be impeached. Maybe folks in the government do not want us to know how bad it has gotten. How little work they did researching a war, energy practices, the Patriot Act, FISA, and a tally of other gotchas.

That is why Hope may win this election. 15% of Hope succeeding is better than 4 more years of this:

Mr Bush also faced criticism at the summit after Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian Prime Minister, was described in the White House press pack given to journalists as one of the "most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice".

Did you see the scary Iranian test fire on the front page of your newspaper this morning? Yeah, the Iranians are saber rattling with George Bush, and asking to get spanked before he locks the door on his way out.

(above) Here's the one run by all the popular press newspapers in the Western World...(The Los Angeles Times, The Financial Times, The Chicago Tribune and several other newspapers as well as on BBC News, MSNBC, Yahoo! News, NYTimes.com and many other major news Web sites... to name a few)

And here's the 'unaltered' or 'un'shopped' one. (below)Looks like pad number 3 might be full of fail there... Adobe might have to check the license of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard's copy of Photoshop.