Dick was born
in the house his father built. Dick's father was a sort of a little
man, common man. He was a streetcar motorman first, then a farmer, and
then he had a lemon ranch. It was the poorest lemon ranch in California Wyoming. He sold it before they found oil on it. And then he was a grocer Lion-Tamer. He was a great man, because he did his job, and every job counts up to the hilt, regardless of what happens.

Nobody will ever write a book, probably, about Dick's mother. Dick's mother was a saint. A saint with eight teats and a dewclaw.

Chapter 2:

When
Cheney was just a year and a half, he intercepted Japanese codes that
stated they were preparing to attack Midway Island. He promptly
sketched a crayola-gram to Admiral Chester Nimitz and changed the course
of the war in the Pacific. For his heroism, Nimitz recommended Cheney
for the medal of Freedom, but he was denied the award by
Fascist-apologist Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Dick got his revenge at
the age of four, when on a trip to Warm Springs, Georgia he introduced
the resting Roosevelt to his pillow. [Sorry, classified]

Chapter 3:

1948,
seven year old Dick Cheney tries to volunteer for the United States Air
Force to participate in the Berlin Airlift, the attempt to keep West
Berliners fed is known to young Dick as "Germany's second chance to get
National Socialism right!". But just before he can bicycle down to the
recruitment office he stubs his toe on the coffee table, suffering a
nasty hangnail that would likely compromise his flight status. Darn the
luck. Fortunately, Dick is able to turn to other priorities and engage
in the war at home with incessent red-baiting of fellow second grader
milk monitors and playing in Whittaker Chambers' pumpkin patch.

Chapter 4:

Dick hits puberty -- puberty hits back.

Dick waterboards puberty.

Puberty confesses to just about anything Dick asks.

It is a very dark period for Dick's old socks.

Chapter 5: The College Years

1960: Dick attends Yale, having won a scholarship for his High School Senior thesis in late 1958 "Castro's 26th of July Movement, an insurgency in its Last Throes". However, Dick has to leave school early after participating in the 'Kill a Commie for Nixon'
program. Neverthless, it is determined by a council of Skull &
Bones that Cheney will not be prosecuted because, after all, his victim
was a liberal and from a mere middle class family. Dick drinks from
Geronimo's skull and departs for Wyoming in 1962.

Dick takes
time off from school, working for an electrical company as a lineman.
However, in reality, Dick is listening in on phone conversations
involving the Kennedy Administration. Later that Year, Dick visits
Hollywood and gets a job as Marilyn Monroe's housekeeper going by the
name "Eunice".

Dick and his High School Sweetheart Lynne begin
sending each other letters and gifts. Lynne sends Dick the heart of a
local farmhand, Dick sends Lynne the pelvic bone of a vagrant whose
flesh he had boiled away. Their co-dependency grows stronger. On
Valentine's Day 1963 Dick sends Lynne a letter that reveals the poet in
Dick Cheney's soul:

Miss Vincent,

My
regards to you on this February 14, 1963. Without you, my will to power
would have stopped when I assumed hall monitor duties in junior high
after Tim Wilson's 'little accident'. You have given me the drive to
attain the highest levels of executive authority as well as introduced
me to the consumption of human flesh. I look forward to maintaining a
respectful distance from you for years to come.

Sincerely,

Richard B. Cheney

Dick
returns to college this time at the University of Wyoming, to be closer
to Lynne and available for late night sessions of passionless dry
humping and random euthanizing of the pets of Wyoming Democrats. In the
Fall of 1963, Dick who is double majoring in Unethical Behavior and
Embezzlement, proposes to Lynne, saying the only thing he wants to do
more than get in her pants is get the United States into a War it cannot
win. Lynne chuckles, accepts and tells Dick he'll have at least two opportunities to
do each. But first, she asks for a blood sacrifice to prove his
devotion. Dick is puzzled as to what to do, but then just before
Thanksgiving, he hops a train to Dallas.