We need to introduce some rules about eating on public transport, says Our
Man on the Train

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on just a minute. The furore about people eating on the Tube is getting out of hand.

In case you missed it, a Facebook page called Women Who Eat on Tubes, dedicated to secret snaps of women eating on the London Underground, has been, in recent weeks, the subject of an increasing number of complaints by feminists and privacy campaigners.

In response, Tony Burke, the owner of the page, issued a statement. “At its truest form,” he said, “[each picture] should cherish its subjects in the way a wildlife photographer cherishes a kingfisher in a river.” Is the man really serious in his claim that he is taking the act of filling your face on the Underground and “transport(ing) it into high art”? I suspect not (particularly given that awful pun). I suspect he was being provocative. I suspect he doesn’t much like people eating on trains. And frankly, I suspect he doesn’t much like women.

But I’m trying to make peace here. And the point I want to make is a broader one. Sadly, the pace of change in the world cannot be resisted. Whereas our parents and grandparents would have been appalled at the act of eating in a public place, the advent of takeaway food has changed all that. Personally I am disgusted when somebody starts shovelling spoonfuls of Japanese curry into their mouth on the train. The way I see it, the only difference between such a person and a hog is the use of a plastic fork. But lamentably, I am in the minority on this.

Clearly, a new system of etiquette is required to cope with these changing mores. For one thing, anything hot should be ruled out right away. There is nothing fouler than being in the same carriage as a person stuffing themselves with kebab, or a beef burrito, or – horror of horrors – a takeaway burger, complete with handfuls of moist chips. Even in this age of lapsed standards, this is surely beyond the pale.

Crisps should be banned too. The pong of crisps is almost as unpleasant as hot food, and they are singularly greasy and offensive.

Similarly, all trains should be declared fizzy-pop-free zones. Not only does it encourage hyperactivity, particularly in the young, but it creates nasty, syrupy puddles when it is spilt on train tables. Which it inevitably is, in the end. Ban pop!

By the same token, sushi should also be forbidden. It emits only a faint odour, but the smell of fish is so revolting that it warrants a complete ban. Moreover, the danger of leaving the train with a scrap of somebody else’s raw tuna stuck to your trousers is a danger that must be guarded against. Not to mention the splattering of soy sauce.

In fact, the only socially acceptable foodstuff should be the sandwich. Yes, it makes crumbs; yes, it creates the unpleasant spectacle of passengers stuffing their faces; yes, it normally comes in a greaseproof paper bag, which all too often ends up crunched in between the seats, or hidden behind a folded table (so amusing). But it remains the lesser of all evils. If we all gritted our teeth and agreed that sandwich eating was permitted, it would take the sting out of the issue.

As of the end of last week, the Women Who Eat on Tubes Facebook page has disappeared, before we had a chance to find out what they make of my proposed rules.

On the subject of alcohol, the jury is out. Perhaps it should generally be banned – but with special dispensation for people who really need it.