Survivor season finale recap: Drop Your Damn Stack!

Survivor

Well, a satisfying season of Survivor came to a close this evening as…

“DROP YOUR LAPTOP, DALTON!”

Ummm, excuse me. Who is that? Sophie? What are you doing here? You just won a million dollars and the title of Sole Survivor. Shouldn’t you be out partying and avoiding encounters with a drunken post-finale Russell Hantz?

I don’t understand. I’m the Survivor recap guy. I’ve been doing it for over 10 years. I mean, that’s my thing, and I don’t have many things.”

“DOESN’T MATTER! I WILL BEAT YOU WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING RECAPS! DIDN’T YOU SEE ME JUST WIN ‘SURVIVOR’! NOW DROP YOUR LAPTOP BEFORE I GET REALLY ANGRY! YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY!”

I don’t know. I’m in a pretty decent spot here, Sophie. I got this riff on Albert I’m pretty excited about, and even plan to work in a Kardashian reference at some point. I’m afraid you’re on your own. Besides Probst says we’re not allowed to help each other with our recaps.

“FINE! SEE IF I CARE! BESIDES, I HAVEN’T YELLED AT ALBERT IN A GOOD 10 MINUTES, SO I NEED TO GO PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE! ALBERT! ALBERRRRRRRRRT!”

Okay, that was a bit weird, but at least she didn’t talk about honor and/or integrity. And in the end, that is what did Coach in. After selling being a man of Christ, and a man who honors honor and integrity above all else, he had to face the people he lied to and discarded along the way. That’s the dangerous thing about promising everyone you’re taking them to the end: It will get you there, but it usually won’t get you the million dollars. And when you do get to the end, your best bet is to own your deception, like Todd did in Survivor: China, not offer lame apologies that come off as insincere. That, combined with the fact that Coach didn’t bring people like Rick, Edna, and Cochran that would have been easier to beat, is why he lost. And Sophie having won three individual immunities, including two at key times — the trivia one that sent Whitney out, and the final one to beat the indestructible Ozzy — made her a worthy alternative and gave her the six to three victory in votes. Albert? Dude never stood a prayer…no pun intended (well, maybe a little).

Okay let’s recap this sucker from the very top. The finale begins the same way every finale begins, with a recap of all the exciting moments of the season, only this recap ends with a weird montage of everyone talking over each other. What the heck is going on? Am I hearing voices? How many beers have I had already? Whatever. Let’s get to the new stuff.

Ozzy welcomes Brandon to Redemption Island, but is shocked by the circumstances that led to him getting there. “He’s playing the game like he’s playing with God, and he’s not,” says Ozzy. “He’s playing with human beings that are greedy and want that money.” Speaking of people that are greedy and want that money, let’s check in with Albert! I mentioned last week that Albert lost any and all hope of winning once he refused to give Brandon his idol back, and Sophie sees it as well, taking pleasure in the fact that Albert looked cowardly and two-faced in front of the jury. And Coach is taking pleasure in blasting Albert to his face. “I’m not gonna have it,” yells Coach. “And when people bull—- me, you’re cut off. I’m not gonna be made a fool out here. I’ve been made a fool enough in my life. I’ve been made a fool out of so many times because of this game.” (Says the guy who one spun stories about being captured and almost eaten alive by pygmies.)