Sandra Bullock Lost Her Drug Hookup, Kanye West Cheated on Kim Kardashian + More In This Week’s Tabloids

We read In Touch, National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK! and Star, so you don’t have to. Where do we line up for our Nobel?

This week, Bruce Jenner is charging Kris Jenner for every moment of annoyance she’s caused, Paris Jackson is mostly just upset that people think her hair style is a cry for help, Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian had a baby bump showdown on pay-per-view, Kanye West found a bikini-clad port in a storm — and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

In Touch

In Touch

It's been a minute or two since we’ve talked about Kris Kardashian’s $200 million divorce from Bruce Jenner, and we’ve been losing sleep wondering what was going on (oh, like you haven't).

But now? We can rest easy knowing that Bruce has moved out and is getting his revenge after 22 years of torture. What about all the years of torture we’ve suffered at the hands of this family? At least Bruce got rich in the deal.

And speaking of money (as she often does), Kris Kardashian has a greedy plan to cash in on Kim’s baby. Our suspicion: She’s going to steal and sell the infant and simply replace her Indiana Jones-style with an expensive handbag. Kris is sure Kim will never know the difference once the purse is filled to the same weight with a variety of lip glosses. Ooh, shiny.

Meanwhile, Amanda Bynes has a new obsession: She wants a hookup with Miley Cyrus’ man. We think she's talking about Liam Hemsworth, but since she's been a little off lately, she may very well see people the rest of us don’t. We’d like to ask her if she knows the muffin man. The muffin man. The muffin man.

In “she did what?!” news, Farrah Abraham revealed she got another boob job. We can't really blame her, though. Painted orange, the last set could've doubled as hazard cones.

National Enquirer

National Enquirer

In a shocking six-month downward spiral (indicated by going from long to short hair because only crazy people do that), Paris Jackson went from a $300 million heiress to a psych ward. And of course the National Enquirer knows what really drove her to overdose and slit her wrists.

What, you thought just because she's a child, she'd be spared their morbid speculation? Are you new here or something?

Oh, in an Enquirer exclusive, thieves robbed the $590 million Powerball winner. After investigating the matter, police realized the lucky lotto player had mistaken the IRS for petty criminals and assumed that 40 percent of the winnings had been stolen -- when really it had just been taken for tax payments. (Actual thieves, on the other hand, have more of an honor code. They take 20 percent, tops.)

Whitney Houston’s daughter is homeless. Bobbi Kristina’s life has fallen apart since she was booted from her home after fights and gun threats. We don’t have to worry about her yet, though -- her hair is still long.

Did you know Sandra Bullock was caught in a drug nightmare? Seems ever since she split from Jesse James, she hasn’t had access to her dealer – who took James’ side in the whole mess before really, who's the better long-term investment here. And since that goody goody Melissa McCarthy was no help on the set of their new movie, Bullock is now forced to consider filming her next project in Amsterdam.

Us Weekly

Us Weekly

Forget your basketball brackets because Us Weekly has the kind of competition we’ve all been thirsting for: Kate versus Kim. Battle of the baby bumps! The magazine believes both women are due the same day – although Kimmy K beat the Duchess to the punch with an early delivery over the weekend – so now it’s a royals versus reality showdown.

The magazine goes inside the exciting last month, but - unless you have a time machine and access to a bookie - that's lost its luster since we already know the Kimye Babye gets here first.

Kristin Cavallari doesn’t have a baby due or anything, but she tries to extend her 15 minutes by taking us inside her country wedding. Of course, much like when a baby is born, it’s all been done before and we’re already bored with all of the actual weddings we have to see in person this summer, so pics of hers are no help.

We do get an inside look at Angie’s sweet gift for Brad. But really, Brangelina has kids, careers and all kinds of money, so we’re not sure what she could possibly give him. Unless Kris Jenner and a kidnapped baby are involved.

And just as the National Enquirer did, Us Weekly knows why Paris Jackson broke down:They’re attributing it to her family battle. We say that if she gets that upset over a Mario Kart tournament, maybe she should spend some time in a special hospital.

OK!

OK!

This week, OK! brings us exclusive baby joy that will instead bore us to tears.

They know whose baby is in danger, because some people don’t seem to have good parenting skills. They also tell us who’s getting married and who’s already splitting, and they really should find a better way of phrasing this stuff because all we can think is that it's just not right for unborn babies to be married and/or dealing with their own divorce drama already. At least wait until they're on solid food first.

Syntax issues aside, there’s also more shocking baby news: Jennifer Love Hewitt is “so excited.” Halle Berre says Nahla wants a sister. Fergie has a surprise gift for Josh Duhammel. J.Lo is having Casper’s baby (ghost or dancer, you pick). And Jessica Simpson has made a big decision.

All we know at this point is that we’re never drinking the water in Hollywood again. Something has to be causing this outbreak of the pregnants.

And while we aren’t supposed to care since it doesn’t involve a baby (well, aside from all the fake ones the tabloids keep trying to put in her), Jennifer Aniston has set a wedding date for her nuptials with Justin Theroux. We’re happy for the couple who seems so ready to finally tie the knot, but mainly, we’re just exceptionally excited that we don’t have to look at pictures of their nursery.

Star

Star

Star magazine has a bombshell this week -- and, in light of the recent birth, what a bombshell it is: Kanye cheated on Kim. His other woman actually talked to Star. Of course, Kim's alter-ego Pregnant Kim will be devastated, but since she no longer exists, we don’t have to worry about her feelings anymore.

Of course Vain Kim and Original Kim are still around and they’ll probably be a little upset, but they’re preoccupied with losing the baby weight right now anyway. Also, apparently we now know the answer to the question “will Kim dump him before the baby is born.”

We had a chance this week to take a peek at 10 of the most expensive celebrity homes, so we’ll save you some trouble and let you in on the secrets: They’re big! They're clean! They’re opulent! They have pools and marble! They look fancy! There’s a lot of glass and some nice landscaping! We’re guessing they smell good too, but it wasn’t a scratch-n-sniff spread so that's pure speculation.

Poor troubled Paris Jackson is on the cover of yet another tabloid. If what she wanted was less attention, she certainly went about it all wrong. Anyway, at this point, her mom is fighting the Jackson family for custody of the hurting teen, and we're sure this sudden display of maternal concern has nothing to do with money. Shame on you for even suggesting it.

And, as we mentioned before, Sandra Bullock is experiencing heartbreak in a family drug shocker. Exclamation!

We're treating this as a "choose your own adventure," so here's what we've decided: A Walgreens opened across the street from her nearby CVS, causing the CVS to go out of business and now the Walgreens won’t honor the points she'd earned on her CVS card. Nobody wants to pay full price for prescription medications, you guys. So we’re officially Team Bullock on this.

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