Friday, September 29, 2006

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of hisdad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes tofind him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Daddy doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy andsometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets onher knees and blows it right back up."

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when a Canadian Sailor got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Sailor went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Sailor and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Sailor calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting 's Sailors, Soldiers, Airman and Women, who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an jerk. So, He sent me."

I bet you wish you could have been that Sailor or someone who supports them!!!!

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk toldhim apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve yourpurposes."Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds he pulled out his head and surveyed hisreflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20."Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service, men need when away from their wives, 50 Cents." He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation,stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member..which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Mildred, age 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman", the doctor said "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

Mildred hung up the phone without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee .

- You spit out the bug that just flew in your mouth. - You spend more time shining your bike than riding it. - You're too cool to wave at the kids in the mom-mobile in front of you. - You grab for your hairbrush before your old lady. - You take your bike into the shop for oil changes. - Your $500 boots aren't scuffed from riding. - You think that a kick-starter is a mocha latte. - You set at least one mirror, if not both, to reflect yourself. - Your saddle bags say "Gucci". - You carry a lap-top in your saddle bags. - Your tattoos wash off. - You put your pony-tail back in the drawer after you get home. - You won't ride down a gravel road. - You've never seen a sunrise from two wheels. - You only ride on weekends, when you can. - You never ride to work. - All your leathers match. - There are no wrinkled, faded, creased, or scratched areas on your leathers. - You don't own a rain suit. - You've never ridden long enough to know that stock seats are never comfortable. - You've never had to replace a worn out tire. - You've had to replace your tires, but because they were too old and not too worn. - You like to ride by stores with big picture windows so you can admire your reflection

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top ofthe tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because theyare afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take theapples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the topthink something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enoughto climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men...Men are like a fine wine They begin as grapes, and it'sup to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn intosomething acceptable to have dinner with.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy.""Oh yeah? Who was the guy?""Tiger Woods.""Tiger Woods, the golfer?""Yeah.""Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone."What are you doing?" asks the wife.The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn't do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone."Now what are you doing?" she asks.The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room Service to get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn't do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He'd come back to bed and do it again."The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?""No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A veryattractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bettwenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. Shesaid, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I playtopless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Comeon, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... And squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings andher clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each otherdumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The otheranswered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, allmen.....are men.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeousredhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her outsince he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of itssocket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and handsit back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye backin place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they goto the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, sheshares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like tocome to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all thetrimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you thisnice to every guy you meet? "

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Bill feared that his wife wasn't hearing as well as she once did and thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give them a better idea about his wife's possible hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, Bill's wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, so let's see what happens." Then, in a normal tone of voice, he asked, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

There was no response, so Bill moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still, no response, so he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, he received no response, so he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" he asked, but, once again, there was no response.

Finally, he walked right up behind her and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?""Bill, for the FIFTH time," she replied, "CHICKEN!"

Sunday, September 10, 2006

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laidher pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened tothe bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly andsaid, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done anytesting on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returneda few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck fromtop to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few momentslater with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicatelyat the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shookits head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, thisis most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys andproduced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged, and said "I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word forit, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scanit's now $150.00."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In thedarkness, she did not see it was a venomous snakewhose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed herto the hospital and she returned home with a fever.Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup,so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup'smain ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued,so friends and neighbors cameto sit with her around the clock.To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.So many people camefor her funeral, the farmerhad the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you,remember --when one of us is threatened,we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life.We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUTAND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.

REMEMBER:EACH OF US IS A VITALTHREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink andwhile he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?""No, what?"

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He ordersa drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Monday, September 04, 2006

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at theirfavorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "Youknow, I'm tired of going through life without an education.Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign upfor some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean ofAdmissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll show you by way of example. Do you own aweed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I thinkthat you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

The Dean says, "And because you have a yard, I think, logically,that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logicallyhave a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"And because you have a family, then logically you must havea wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must bea heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual... That's amazing, you were able to findout all of that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand andleaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes,and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

Old Timer Sex The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

"We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Friday, September 01, 2006

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all ofmy married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my forties I find it even better! In fact, about a monthago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate anduncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, andgenerally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another andsomehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise andsatisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out sowell the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was nolonger considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What arelief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murdersuspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have towrite to the Hefty bag people.