Congregational consultant Peter Steinke writes: “The narcissist functions to maintain a projected, inflated image of self. By coercing, charming, or controlling others, the narcissist ensures that the need for supplies will be satisfied. Functioning to mirror his grandiosity, others guarantee him a sense of specialness, exaggerated importance, and superiority.”

Tell the NP, “That’s a great suit,” and he feels admired. Tell him, “That was a great sermon, ” and he feels special.

There’s nothing wrong with making either statement.

But if you stop doing it, the NP will eventually turn on you and despise you. They keep mental scoreboards in their heads. Steinke says they become “vindictive, vengeful, devaluing, and abrasive.”

It’s hard to hang around someone who constantly needs to be told, “You’re great. You’re fantastic. You’re larger than life!” But the NP needs to hear those words just to feel normal.

And when those around the NP … his wife … his staff … and his board … stop saying, “There’s nobody like you!” … the NP will humiliate them, even in public. The NP then becomes ruthless toward those who don’t see him as special.

Wherever you find a NP, you will find an inner circle of devoted fans.

How does the NP acquire these fans?

He chooses them from among those in the congregation who make him look good.

The NP scans his congregation and discovers the most prestigious individuals … especially those who have money.

He also listens for accolades that indicate who holds him in high esteem.

When he finds them, he focuses on them like a laser beam and basically ignores the rest of the congregation.

These two groups – the prestigious and the praisers – make up the NP’s Fan Club. This is who he socializes with … listens to … and confides in.

As long as the NP’s fans worship him, the NP will continue to tell them that they’re great as well.

But if any of the NP’s fans fail to adore him, he’ll drop them from the club … so they have to keep telling him, “You look great! You’re so talented! You’re the best!”

But … the NP’s fans don’t realize that he is controlling them … for his own purposes.

And this is how NPs foster division in a church. They control a group of followers … mutually reinforce each other’s specialness … and when the NP begins to attack others … especially other pastors and leaders … they march in lockstep.

Steinke writes:

“The narcissist functions like a magnet, possessing the power of attraction. People caught in the spell surrender obediently. Under the spell of enchantment, they become dedicated followers as impervious to reason and truth as infatuated lovers.”

He continues:

“In the circle of charm, there are no checks and balances. Groupthink develops. Not surprisingly, many narcissistic leaders shield their swooning constituency from outside influences. They demonize outsiders who might potentially uncover the truth of things or expose the charismatic figure.”

Steinke concludes:

“Those who are most vulnerable to charm are those people or groups who need stimulation outside themselves. Often they are depressed or demoralized. Many are looking for a high, some brightness or good feeling in their lives, to make them special…. By associating with the special person, they get dusted with the same magic and importance.”

I can meet a pastor … or hear a pastor preach … and say to myself, “He certainly seems to have some narcissistic tendencies.”

But I can’t say definitively that he’s a narcissist. Only a qualified psychologist can do that.

So don’t go up to a pastor and say, “I think you’re a narcissist.” And don’t tell others, “I think our pastor is a narcissist.”

The most you can say is, “I believe he has narcissistic traits.”

Second, realize that narcissistic pastors know much more about church than they do about God.

Why do I say that?

Because NPs are consumed with outward signs of success (like church attendance and their salary) rather than inward signs of success (like the fruit of the Spirit).

For this reason, a NP may impress you with his dress and humor and stories, but he’ll rarely help you to know God better.

Third, narcissistic pastors are fun in the short-term and obnoxious in the long-term.

When you first meet a NP, they’re fun to be around. They make you feel good. They seem larger-than-life.

But the more you get to know them, the more you realize that they only love themselves … and that ultimately makes them hard to like.

Fourth, you can’t get close to a narcissistic pastor.

Because the narcissist is always mindful of his image, he’s not going to tell you anything that might ruin the way you view him.

You might spill your guts to a NP, but he’s only going to reveal so much of himself.

So if you suspect that your pastor is a narcissist, stop hoping that you’re going to become best friends.

He’s probably not even close to his wife or children.

Finally, narcissistic pastors just don’t change.

In Johnson and Johnson’s book The Pastor’s Guide to Psychological Disorders and Treatments, the authors write about narcissists:

“Referrals for therapy are generally not likely to be helpful. Not only do narcissistic persons rarely follow through with treatment, there is no significant evidence that they benefit from any form of intervention.”

If you’re on a church staff … or on a church board … or regularly attend a church … and you suspect your minister is a NP… please realize that he will probably stay that way until Jesus returns.

God has the power to change him … it’s just that he doesn’t think he needs to be changed.

_______________

Many of us have been deeply wounded by narcissistic pastors. When we play their games, they’ll accept us into their fan club, but when we stop playing their games, we find ourselves permanently ostracized.

I’ve observed that narcissists carry around two lists: the good list and the bad list.

If you tell them they’re great, you’re on their good list. If you tell them they’re ordinary … or you stop telling them they’re great … then you’re transferred to their bad list.

And once you’re on their bad list, you’ll never get back on their good list.

8 Responses

Good article. It shows how Satan can take control of a church either through an arrogant narcissistic pastor (NP) or through an arrogant congregational person/group (Pastor Abusers). Both (NP and PA) are prideful, self-centered, and obsessed with control. Like you said, it’s all about “church” and not God. It goes back to “God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).

I suppose to the degree a church is not controlled by the Holy Spirit, it’s either controlled by the flesh or by the enemy. The narcissistic pastors I’ve known have rarely been quick to pray when there’s a crisis. They all have personal charisma but seem hollow at their core. Most parishioners never catch it because they aren’t in a position to see the pastor outside of Sundays. Thanks for reading, Kent!

Thanks so much for sharing this. To my knowledge, there are no books on narcissistic clergy or narcissism in the church and something of that nature is needed. I totally agree — Peter Steinke’s postscript on the “charmer and the carmed” is excellent. I just resigned as organist and choirmaster at a church where the pastor exhibits VERY strong signs of narcissism. It’s not a total slam-dunk of a diagnosis — just when you think you have him figured out, he’ll surprise you with a really gracious comment or gesture, but these are FEW and far between (they’re also just one more sign of an abuser — they’re fond of tricking you into thinking maybe you’re the one with the problem by turning on the charm just when you’re about to throw in the towel).

He wants total control and no accountability and he’s a master at talking his way out of confrontation. “Oh you think I’m just trying to micromanage and control the staff? I call it good leadership.” That kind of thing. He’s been at this a long time and has an answer for everything. His resume is 3 years here, 2 years there, out of ministry altogether for a few years then back in — that sort of thing. Deep down I think he means well and is a sincere believer — I just think he’s totally oblivious to these traits in himself and I think the sin of pride has a chokehold on the effectiveness of his ministry.

I could have stuck it out — thankfully, he’s not musical so he didn’t have any credible way to steer the ship on the musical front (didn’t keep him from trying, though!), so we had settled into a routine where I was only intermittently affected by this. But it was a black cloud over the church and I found my passion and enthusiasm deteriorating rapidly. It was a tricky spot to be in, though, because the staff (who saw way more of him than the congregation, even the board) saw all this much sooner than the flock, who, by and large, were still in the charm phase. He’d only been there 2 years when this really started to crystallize to the staff, so it just takes awhile for it all to play out to the congregation.

I have often thought how much quicker the gig would be up in the business world where you’re together five days per week as opposed to church (I was part-time) where you’re together only one day, and only really 2 hours at that. Everything — good or bad — just takes longer to unfold. Laziness on the pastor’s part was also a huge problem — he’s very slick, so he could BS his way through fairly adeptly. But after awhile the proof is in the pudding — you start to realize after 2-3 years of sitting under one person’s preaching, how recurring and unimaginative the themes are. But the staff (not just me) started to resent him because we were putting in nearly the kind of effort he apparently was, yet getting the PT salary. There’s so much autonomy in a pastorate, that one who’s not a self-starter or inclined to ever break much of a sweat, can ride that gravy train a long time before people start questioning it.

Yes, there were a few instances of outright rage and abuse — two went by unchecked; one did result in a half-hearted “sorry-you-were-offended”-type non-apology. More often though, it was the ministry death-by-a-1000-paper-cuts phenomenon. No huge smoking gun to point to; just a gradual realization that my best work was not appreciated or encouraged because the pastor, I strongly suspect, felt “shown up” by it. He was also used to being the spiritual leader in the room in a fairly reserved parish/denomination, so anyone else who was comfortable leading Bible study or praying in public extemporaneously, or whatever, was seen as a threat and squelched at any given opportunity.

A perfect storm of mitigating factors drove me to the brink of exhaustion: 1. the previous pastor had left under less-than-ideal circumstances so the flock is/was overcompensating to accommodate the current pastor (a long leash he took full advantage of) 2. the mainline protestant churches, struggling with dwindling attendance and giving are in many places (esp. this church) having a huge identity/existential crisis to stay relevant (and what’s often the first place people look to to “fix” or tweak to become more “seeker friendly” — the music program), so they were eager for a strong leader to come in to steer the ship (another bed of fertile soil for a narcissist) and 3. the personnel and board didn’t have the backbone to stand up to this guy on behalf of the staff. It really came down to whether they wanted to find a new pastor or a new organist. My resignation was met, mostly, with a shrug (although several well-meaning folks were gracious and expressed disappointment, the charmed phenom is still playing out strongly enough that it inspired no real come-to-Jesus moment in the church).

Naturally I crave justice — it may sound silly but I have felt the Lord is telling me the degree to which I let him handle it will be commensurate with the comeuppance that inevitably will come. There are signs that the congregation is starting to wake up, but it’s only a small group right now. They’re well meaning folks eager to give the benefit of the doubt — again, highly fertile soil for a narcissist.

Time will tell. I’m not particularly distraught about it — it was the Lord leading me to something else. So what? It IS still a hurtful, unhealthy thing to experience first-hand and a shame to see how, to use a tired cliche, one bad apple really CAN ruin a good pot. In real life, sin rarely manifests itself as some big, bad Disney villain — Satan is MUCH more subtle and insidious. I Peter 5:8.

Sorry to ramble on and write a book, but it’s a little-explored topic. Perhaps this will be helpful to someone else.

Thanks for your insights! I’m going to save your comment and incorporate some of your thoughts into any future writing I do on narcissists in ministry.

I served under three narcissists, and the last one undermined me for years until he gained enough of a following to push me out, so I have a good idea what you’re talking about.

A tipoff with narcissist is always that they don’t have close friends. They’re afraid of intimacy because then their shallowness and insecurity will be found out. They’re big in front of groups, small when dealing one-on-one with people.

Everyone in their life either makes them look good or bad. Make them look good, and you get to stay. Make them look bad … sometimes by being TOO good … and you have to leave. And the sad thing is, they don’t really care. They are incapable of feeling empathy.

I had some training with Petet Steinke several years ago and we had a great discussion on narcissism in the church. Narcissists are drawn to ministry because churches tend to be results-oriented. As long as narcissists produce results, nobody wants to get rid of them … at first. But like you say, when the charm starts to wear off, some people see them for who they really are.

Sadly, narcissists tend to attract people who always view them favorably. The narcissist constantly needs an audience and needs their applause just to feel normal.

And you’re right … narcissists have no idea how offensive their comments are to others nor how they come across. Thinking you’re God’s gift to a certain group is normal for them.

May the Lord give you a ministry worthy of your talents that will be both fruitful and fulfilling for you.

Hi Jim, thanks for the fast response. Wow, you’ve worked under 3 narcissists??? Yikes. Do you think you just had bad odds or do you think it’s testament to the sheer number of them attracted to the pulpit? (One can see how they would be with its built-in spotlight and the supposed gravitas of having been “called” to ministry. Obviously if you had a calling on your life (but who doesn’t for something?), you must be special.

I’m also curious about the correlation between narcissism and laziness. From what I’ve read, they’ll work hard if there’s a chance for them to glean some glory mileage out of it. If it’s behind the scenes or unlikely to be seen, forget it. That was my experience with this pastor, but there was an awful lot of laziness. He also shed special attention on young, attractive women in the church. Never crossed any line that I saw, but he obviously doted on them.

In my case with the situation I described above, I don’t know the pastor well enough to know if he has close friends or not. He and his wife (kids all grown) moved to the town to take this position, so I have no idea about that. Thanks for sharing.

Tim, I think I had bad odds. I didn’t know anything about narcissism until after I had worked with two of them already. When the third one came along, I sized him up immediately, and knew enough about the condition to stay on his good side … at least for several years.

In my view, there’s far more narcissism among megachurch pastors than among smaller church pastors because they can get away with it much easier. It’s tolerated because they’re successful.

Two of the narcissists I worked with tended toward laziness, while the other worked very hard. Narcissists gravitate toward “supplies of admiration” and will migrate toward wherever they can find them.

As far as gravitating toward attractive women, I never saw anything along that line. There are women who are attracted to a narcissistic pastor because of his charm and larger-than-life personality. But most women are attracted to the pastor, not the real person behind the title.

Feel free to share any further thoughts or insights with me, Tim! I find the whole subject utterly fascinating. How can believers reconcile narcissistic clergy with Christian values like humility, modesty, and dependence on God?

Jim, thanks — this discussion is so healing for me as I just resigned 2 weeks ago and am still very much REELING from the whole experience. Your perspectives have been so interesting and helpful.

Why on earth, though, did you stay “for several years” at a post with a narcissistic pastor having been through it twice before? Once you saw the pattern, why didn’t you flee ASAP? You cannot win with these types — why even try? I guess you can’t always just drop everything and run if your livelihood depends on it, but I surely wouldn’t stay years in a situation with a narcissistic pastor/supervisor. I’ve seen quite enough with one, thank you very much.

Having played organ in many different churches of many different denominations over many years now, here’s a wonderful kernel of truth I feel the Lord has given me: it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to discern a fruit-baring ministry from a non-fruit-baring one. That anointing is either there or it’s not. It’s why millennials are so savvy at sniffing out authenticity — they don’t need someone with a PhD to help them figure it out. They can detect it easily and so can many of us if we’re honest about it. So let me tell ya — if I EVER start to sense I’m in another dysfunctional situation like this again — ecclesiastical or secular — I’m getting the heck out of Dodge ASAP. Life is too short for this nonsense, esp. in the church.

A big thing I wrestled with was whether or not God calls us sometimes to stay in unhealthy relationships. Does he? Perhaps, if there’s a lesson. But I believe only for a season. Like the Israelites with Pharaoh — deliverance will come. So much of the Old Testament is written to people under the tyranny of oppression. That sounds awfully grandiose for my little experience (I’m not gonna pretend mine approached that level of suffering), but there was suffering, pain, humiliation and angst. And, of course, a reminder to keep myself humble as well.

It’s also ironic how my situation was playing out just as the Trump candidacy and presidency was unfolding and bringing chronic narcissism into the national dialogue. This pastor I speak of wasn’t nearly as over the top as Trump (much more subtle form of it) but there were times the staff joked among each other that we felt Trump or maybe JR Ewing was the pastor at our church. Plays great on TV — stinks if that’s your supposed “partner in ministry.”

That’s really where a lot of the rub ended up stemming from for me — you can treat me like dirt all you want, but if you still bring your A game to the ministry, it may still work. I got tired of the zero collaboration, zero accountability, saying one thing at the rare planning meeting we ever had then getting to the service in question and finding out it had all been changed, veering away from the lectionary with no “heads up,” etc. etc. None of this was earth shattering stuff (and surely a good portion of the congregation never even noticed), but as somebody who likes to plan months in advance (and indeed HAS to to get anything to work), I got fed up with the sheer schizophrenic feel of the services. All the music a few weeks ago reflected Epiphany since I transferred it back to the weekend after Jan. 6 while he’d preached on it the week before (it’s OK to transfer Epiphany, but never back into the 12 Days of Christmas), so I was playing Epiphany and he was preaching Baptism of Christ, he’d spring a 9-11 tribute on me in the call to worship, then I’d planned a big, joyous prelude. Just jarring stuff like that that would have been so easy to avoid with even a modicum of synchronization and professional courtesy. When you begin to see even the basics of professional courtesy aren’t there, you start to think, “OK, why am I busting my rump here? This is an exercise in futility.”

Of course, yes, at the end of the day, you just do your best for the Lord and tune all the nonsense out you can, it wears you down after awhile. I just got to the point where I sensed the Lord was saying, “You’ve learned what I had in mind for you to learn here — trust me and I’ll lead you to the next post.”

This pastor didn’t plan anything in advance because he was just pure lazy. Talk about a toxic combination — laziness AND narcissism, whew! (the pastor I had at the last church was lazy and controlling but was definitely NOT a narcissist.) After one of our blow-ups last spring, he sent me an e-mail offering to go to lunch and try to move ahead. As was his custom, he pretended like nothing had happened with the lashing out (interesting watching how these people conjure up ways to cope). I said that would be good and that since this was about 10 days before Palm Sunday, we’d need to discuss logistics of Holy Week. He said with no trace of shame or irony, “Oh boy — I haven’t even THOUGHT of that stuff yet.” Wow dude — 10 days out from the climax of the Christian year and this has not crossed your mind yet? I’d been working on since the first week of Jan. I’m sorry if I’ve hijacked your comments section into a big therapy session here, but that kind of foolishness just grinds you down over time. You can put on your happy face, keep telling yourself it shouldn’t matter if it’s all for the Lord anyway, but resentment starts to creep in and fester pretty fast and then you’re a time bomb.

Which makes it surprising to me you stayed so long in this kind of environment. What was your position and why did you stay? Please elaborate.

I have reason to believe that one of the narcissists I’ve mentioned monitors my blog, so if you’ll send your email address to my ministry email at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org, I will gladly elaborate.