FOX Broadcasting
When Fox announced that they were dropping the standard pilot-season model of developing new TV shows; it earned them a great deal of attention from fans and critics. So when they unveiled their Fall 2014-2015 schedule, everyone's focus went straight to the slate of new shows premiering in the next few months — after all, they have to be good if Fox is willing to gamble on a brand new way of doing things. In certain cases, it seems like the gamble might just have paid off — you can't go wrong with Batman or British remakes, right? - but others seem like they'll only rub salt in the wound of recent cancellations.
We've run down all of Fox's upcoming series in order to predict which ones will live up to the hype and be worth your time come fall. Although sadly, none of them seem likely to fill the Enlisted-shaped hole in our hearts.
Gotham What It Is: DramaWhat It's About: Following Det. Jim Gordon and the Gotham City Police Department as they deal with the crime and corruption that plagues the city, and Gordon attempts to find Who's In It: Ben McKenzie, Donal Logue, Sean Pertwee and Jada Pinkett-SmithWhat It Sounds Like: It's basically Batman, minus Batman himself. How Good Will It Be: Based on the first trailer for the show, it looks like it could be exciting and gritty, although tiny Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle do make us a bit wary. Still, it's got a talented cast on board, so if the show can keep the visuals and story interesting, it could be surprisingly good. How Long It Will Last: At least two seasons. Fox has thrown a lot of support behind Gotham, so they won't let it go easily.
UtopiaWhat It Is: Reality showWhat It's About: 15 people move to an isolated, undeveloped location for a year and attempt to build their own society from scratch. Who's In It: No word yet, but they have to be crazy if they're willing to sign up for this. What It Sounds Like: Big Brother meets Survivor, with a dash of Kid Nation. How Good Will It Be: It depends entirely on the cast, but our best bet is that it will either be outright terrible, or horrifically entertaining. How Long It Will Last: Unfortunately, it will probably run for ten years.
Red Band SocietyWhat It Is: Drama What It's About: A coming-of-age story set in the pediatric ward of a hospital that follows a group of patients as they grow, bond, and battle illnesses. Who's In It: Octavia Spencer, Griffin Gluck, Charlie Rowe, Dave Annable, Brian Bradley aka Astro, Ciara Bravo and Zoe LevinWhat It Sounds Like: One Tree Hill meets Grey's Anatomy, except only one person is in a coma. How Good Will It Be: Spencer is generally the best part of everything she does, but even she might not be enough to make the many elements of this show — comedy, drama, tear-jerking moments of triumph, general teenage drama, hospital administration — blend well together. How Long It Will Last: About a season. Even if it is good, it will probably struggle to find an audience.
GracepointWhat It Is: Drama What It's About: Based on the British series Broadchurch, it centers on a small town and the murder that upends the lives of all of its residents. Who's In It: David Tennant, Anna Gunn, Michael Peña, Jacki Weaver, Kevin Zegers and Jessica LucasWhat It Sounds Like: It's literally just Broadchurch with Tennant doing an American accent. How Good Will It Be: A lot depends on how much they take from the original, but since that was such a good series and they've got a fantastic cast on board, things look good for Gracepoint. How Long It Will Last: At least three seasons, regardless of how closely it hews to the original.
Backstrom What It Is: Drama What It's About: A crime procedural about an obnoxious and offensive, but brilliant detective who is brought back from exile to run the special crimes unit. Who's In It: Rainn Wilson, Dennis Haysbert, Thomas Dekker, Beatrice Rosen and Kristoffer PolahaWhat It Sounds Like: Every other "rogue cop" procedural that's hit the air in the last few year, but with Dwight from The OfficeHow Good Will It Be: It has a pretty decent cast, but the premise is something we've seen before many times, with varying levels of success, so there's a lot against it. A lot is riding on Wilson, although it's his first real foray into drama, which also doesn't bode well. How Long It Will Last: Like almost every other crime procedural premiering this fall, it will probably be canceled within the year.
Mulaney What It Is: SitcomWhat It's About: An aspiring stand-up comic gets a job writing jokes for a narcissistic comedian and game show host, which causes conflict between him and his two best friends and roommates. Who's In It: John Mulaney, Martin Short, Nasim Pedrad, Seaton Smith and Elliott GouldWhat It Sounds Like: Seinfeld meets New Girl, with a touch of 30 Rock How Good Will It Be: The cast is fantastic, but multi-cam sitcoms can be pretty hit or miss, and this one was dropped by NBC and then reworked before FOX picks it up. However, the combination of SNL alums and comic legends means this one will probably be one of your new favorite shows. How Long It Will Last: Sunday night at 9:30 is a tough slot, but we think this one will scrape its way to a second season.
FOX Broadcasting
EmpireWhat It Is: Drama What It's About: It follows Lucious Lyon, the head of a major hip hop record label and the ex-wife and family who are competing to take over the family business. Who's In It: Terrence Howard, Taraji P. Henson, Gabourey Sidibe, Bryshere Gray, Jussie Smollett, Trai Byers and Kaitlin DoubledayWhat It Sounds Like: Hustle and Flow meets Nashville How Good Will It Be: Empire has a lot of big-name talent behind it - in addition to the Oscar-nominated cast, it was created by Lee Daniels and written by Danny Strong — but it seems like the kind of show that would fare better on cable, so it might end up being a little lackluster. How Long It Will Last: Well, Nashville got three seasons, so we're predicting Empire will get the same.
Hieroglyph What It Is: Drama What It's About: After he gets caught stealing a magic scroll, a thief is brought to work for the Pharaoh, only to discover that court might be more dangerous than prison. Who's In It: Max Brown, Reece Ritchie, Condola Rashad, Caroline Ford and John Rhys-DaviesWhat It Sounds Like: Game of Thrones meets Sleepy Hollow, set in Ancient Egypt. How Good Will It Be: It's written by Travis Beacham, who wrote Pacific Rim, so it could turn out to be entertaining and campy. However, it's completely ridiculous-sounding, so the odds are against it. How Long It Will Last: Unless it manages to pull in a devoted audience like Sleepy Hollow, probably only one season.
Wayward Pines What It Is: Drama What It's About: An idyllic American town... that you can never leave. Who's In It: Matt Dillon, Carla Gugino, Melissa Leo, Tobey Jones, Juliette Lewis and Terrence HowardWhat It Sounds Like: The Stepford Wives meets The Twilight Zone How Good Will It Be: On the one hand, it's got an impressive A-List cast. On the other, it's executive-produced by M. Night Shamylan, so we're hoping it will be good, but expecting it to be terrible. How Long It Will Last: The Shamylan outrage will bring attention to it, resulting in it just barely earning a second season.
Bordertown What It Is: Animated sitcomWhat It's About: Set on a town that borders the US and Mexico, it follows two families as they navigate life, relationships and politics. Who's In It: Alex Borstein, Nicholas Gonzalez, Judah Friedlander, Missi Pyle and Efren RamirezWhat It Sounds Like: American Dad meets The Cleveland ShowHow Good Will It Be: The last time Seth MacFarlane made a show about racial and family dynamics, we got Dads, so we're not optimistic. How Long It Will Last: 5 years at a minimum
Last Man on Earth What It Is: SitcomWhat It's About: After an apocalypse wipes out all of humanity except one man, he wanders the earth looking for other survivors. Who's In It: Will ForteWhat It Sounds Like: Zombieland, minus the other peopleHow Good Will It Be: Forte is hilarious, and his recent dramatic turn in Nebraska will probably serve him well, but it's hard to see how this concept will last longer than one episode. How Long It Will Last: It's a quirky comedy from an SNL alum that isn't Amy Poehler, Tina Fey or Jimmy Fallon. It'll get a year if we're lucky.
Weird LonersWhat It Is: SitcomWhat It's About: Four relationship-phobic weirdoes find each other living next door to one another in a New York apartment. Who's In It: Becky Newton, Zachary Knighton, Nate Torrence and Meera KhumbhaniWhat It Sounds Like: New Girl meets Happy Endings, minus Damon Wayans Jr. How Good Will It Be: The cast is made up of actors who have primarily played the "best friend" role in comedies, so it could be the showcase they need to establish themselves as leading actors. However, the premise seems like a re-tread of most post-Friends comedies, with some forced "quirk," so we don't see things going well. How Long It Will Last: Three out of four actors were on shows that were cancelled relatively soon, so we'd be surprised if this one made it to a second season.
Follow @hollywood_com
Follow @julesemm

DreamWorks
For the bulk of every Rocky and Bullwinkle episode, moose and squirrel would engage in high concept escapades that satirized geopolitics, contemporary cinema, and the very fabrics of the human condition. With all of that to work with, there's no excuse for why the pair and their Soviet nemeses haven't gotten a decent movie adaptation. But the ingenious Mr. Peabody and his faithful boy Sherman are another story, intercut between Rocky and Bullwinkle segments to teach kids brief history lessons and toss in a nearly lethal dose of puns. Their stories and relationship were much simpler, which means that bringing their shtick to the big screen would entail a lot more invention — always risky when you're dealing with precious material.
For the most part, Mr. Peabody &amp; Sherman handles the regeneration of its heroes aptly, allowing for emotionally substance in their unique father-son relationship and all the difficulties inherent therein. The story is no subtle metaphor for the difficulties surrounding gay adoption, with society decreeing that a dog, no matter how hyper-intelligent, cannot be a suitable father. The central plot has Peabody hosting a party for a disapproving child services agent and the parents of a young girl with whom 7-year-old Sherman had a schoolyard spat, all in order to prove himself a suitable dad. Of course, the WABAC comes into play when the tots take it for a spin, forcing Peabody to rush to their rescue.
Getting down to personals, we also see the left brain-heavy Peabody struggle with being father Sherman deserves. The bulk of the emotional marks are hit as we learn just how much Peabody cares for Sherman, and just how hard it has been to accept that his only family is growing up and changing.
DreamWorks
But more successful than the new is the film's handling of the old — the material that Peabody and Sherman purists will adore. They travel back in time via the WABAC Machine to Ancient Egypt, the Renaissance, and the Trojan War, and 18th Century France, explaining the cultural backdrop and historical significance of the settings and characters they happen upon, all with that irreverent (but no longer racist) flare that the old cartoons enjoyed. And oh... the puns.
Mr. Peabody &amp; Sherman is a f**king treasure trove of some of the most amazingly bad puns in recent cinema. This effort alone will leave you in awe.
The film does unravel in its final act, bringing the science-fiction of time travel a little too close to the forefront and dropping the ball on a good deal of its emotional groundwork. What seemed to be substantial building blocks do not pay off in the way we might, as scholars of animated family cinema, have anticipated, leaving the movie with an unfinished feeling.
But all in all, it's a bright, compassionate, reasonably educational, and occasionally funny if not altogether worthy tribute to an old favorite. And since we don't have our own WABAC machine to return to a time of regularly scheduled Peabody and Sherman cartoons, this will do okay for now.
If nothing else, it's worth your time for the puns.
3/5
Follow @Michael Arbeiter
//
| Follow @Hollywood_com
//

After Dark Films
It seems a bit odd to take on a movie review of Courtney Solomon's Getaway, as only in the loosest terms is Getaway actually a movie. We begin without questions — other than a vague and frustrating "What the hell is going on?" — and end without answers, watching Ethan Hawke drive his car into things (and people) for the hour and a half in between. We learn very little along the way, probed to engage in the mystery of the journey. But we don't, because there's no reason to.
There's not a single reason to wonder about any of the things that happen to Hawke's former racecar driver/reformed criminal — forced to carry out a series of felonious commands by a mysterious stranger who is holding his wife hostage — because there doesn't seem to be a single ounce of thought poured into him beyond what he see. We learn, via exposition delivered by him to gun-toting computer whiz Selena Gomez, that he "did some bad things" before meeting the love of his life and deciding to put that all behind him. Then, we stop learning. We stop thinking. We start crashing into police cars and Christmas trees and power plants.
Why is Selena Gomez along for the ride? Well, the beginnings of her involvement are defensible: Hawke is carrying out his slew of vehicular crimes in a stolen car. It's her car. And she's on a rampage to get it back. But unaware of what she's getting herself into, Gomez confronts an idling Hawke with a gun, is yanked into the automobile, and forced to sit shotgun while the rest of the driver's "assignments" are carried out. But her willingness to stick by Hawke after hearing his story is ludicrous. Their immediate bickering falls closer to catty sexual tension than it does to genuine derision and fear (you know, the sort of feelings you'd have for someone who held you up or forced you into accessorizing a buffet of life-threatening crimes).
After Dark Films
The "gradual" reversal of their relationship is treated like something we should root for. But with so little meat packed into either character, the interwoven scenes of Hawke and Gomez warming up to each other and becoming a team in the quest to save the former's wife serve more than anything else as a breather from all the grotesque, impatient, deliberately unappealing scenes of city wreckage.
And as far as consolidating the mystery, the film isn't interested in that either, as evidenced by its final moments. Instead of pressing focus on the answers to whatever questions we may have, the movie's ultimate reveal is so weak, unsubstantial, and entirely disconnected to the story entirely, that it seems almost offensive to whatever semblance of a film might exist here to go out on this note. Offensive to the idea of film and story in general, as a matter of fact. But Getaway isn't concerned with these notions. Not with story, character, logic, or humanity. It just wants to show us a bunch of car crashes and explosions. So you'd think it might have at least made those look a little better.
1/5
More Reviews:'The Hunt' Is Frustrating and Fantastic'You're Next' Amuses and Occasionally Scares'Short Term 12' Is Real and Miraculous
Follow @Michael Arbeiter
//
| Follow @Hollywood_com
//
From Our Partners:40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)15 Stars Share Secrets of their Sex Lives (Celebuzz)

For starters, I need to talk about Spring Breakers. Yes, I understand that this is the finale and I should be appropriately freaking out about the maybe reveal of Red Coat, but this is also the first post-Spring Breakers episode of PLL. I am wildly obsessed with Spring Breakers (I have lost all of my friends over this thing and I don’t even care), and everyone should see the damn movie when it opens nationwide on March 22nd. NY &amp; LA have been very blessed by having access to the movie a week early, which means I celebrated spring break in NY all last weekend. Adults who are old enough to actually attend R-rated movies can see this puppy; if parents are monitoring the Internet use that is allowing you to read this very sentence, wait until you are in college on this one. Don’t disobey your parents and lie to them about the movie you’re seeing – I did that and ended up so emotionally scarred that I watch/write about Pretty Little Liars every single week. Ashley Benson is a superstar and I continue to kiss Hefty Hanna’s feet until the end of days.
RELATED: 'Pretty Little Liars': What's Ahead for Season 4
Now – THE FINALE!!! This finale wasn’t as good as the last finale, mainly because I love a good time jump narrative structure, but also because the lighthouse scene between Emily and Evil Fake Cousin Nate was a highlight for all of PLL till the end of time. All the girls looked very mature and beautiful tonight, which is a plus in everyone’s book – there were some standard colossal fashion missteps, but everyone’s hair was flawless. I will also say that the climax of the episode was the most ambitious scene PLL has ever attempted, to somewhat mixed results. More on that later – we start the episode with the girls celebrating high tea at Spencer’s house, which no one questions. Spencer is planning some sort of grand soiree over the weekend, which clearly means something very bad is going to happen to everyone in Rosewood. PornStarMom is visiting (/hiding out in) NY so she is safe. Hanna asks the difference between a crumpet and an English muffin, which is honestly a really solid question and appropriate given the current social event. Spencer is planning something wicked – ABC Family was nice enough to remind us of Spencer joining Team A during a seizure-inducing “last week on” montage.
Black Hood is hanging out in the Black Hood Van of Death, transferring cell numbers from the van’s database to Black Hood’s mobile. This is like the hacking scenes in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, only more sinister and featuring more tattoos. Black Hood looks a little sketch doing all of this, but Mona is rather nonchalant. Mona is drinking some kind of evil concoction from an “IS IT FRIDAY YET?” mug, which doesn’t make sense because a true villain would love weekdays and especially Monday into Tuesday. There’s no way insane villains enjoy days everyone else enjoys. That’s just not right. I think I’ve been watching this show too much and my thinking is very paranoid/warped. Mona is bad news.
BABYSITTER WANTED – Hanna is thinking up a wonderful way to trick Malcolm into outing A, which seems like a smart idea until you realize Malcolm is 7 and doesn’t even know how to jump on a bed properly without sending himself to the hospital. Idiot little boy, A should have killed the brat when she had the chance. Aria and Spencer clearly think this babysitter exploitation is a bad idea; Aria’s eyeballs look as big as humanly possible in protest, stretching to the point where Aria might actually be a vessel for alien life where her eyeballs are actually their spaceships. My younger brother used to always manipulate the babysitter into giving him a donut in bed, so I think it’s about time that the babysitter starts getting her own sort of revenge. Spencer has started washing her hair, which means that I’m going to trust her. Shana is swimming at Rosewood, has a creepy connection to Spencer and then lurks away. Hanna hates Shana, but why? “Because. She flirts with everyone but me.” Hanna wins all of the awards for this comment. Ashley Benson is God’s gift to us.
EZRA IS BACK AT ROSEWOOD. I repeat, the teacher that began a wildly inappropriate relationship with one of his students has been allowed back on school grounds. Rosewood is a lawless place. Ezra says he’s not going to accept the teaching gig; the whole situation didn’t go his way. However, there is a much more important return to our favorite small PA city – JENNA. JENNA IS BACK!!! JENNA!!! JENNA!!! JENNA!!! JENNA!!! JENNA!!! Okay, I’m done. We only had to survive a couple of episodes with zero Jenna and zero CeCe, but I’m so glad this hot blind bitch is back in town to stir the pot after being missing for far too many episodes. A is literally texting Jenna from her own damn porch. Wait, is A texting Jenna? This finale plays with perception a lot, as PLL really loves manipulating the audience. What a surprise! I just remembered that Jason’s body is missing after the elevator fall and I can’t stop laughing/crying. Too many emotions at once.
Hanna is interviewing for the babysitting position, because girl does not give up when she thinks she has a winning plan. Hanna jokes about Malcolm liking “fast cars and fast girls.” When Hanna learns that Malcolm is a big fan of trains, she calls, “ALL ABOARD THE HANNA EXPRESS!” Yep, Ezra should feel really safe leaving his son with Hanna. Naturally, no one in Rosewood knows how to take care of his or her own and Ezra decides Hanna can babysit Malcolm once to see how things go. Because, well, no big deal if Malcolm is killed this one time. Ezra and Aria share an awful scene where Aria’s tights are really distracting because they feature 994 colors at the same time. “Nothing about us feels right anymore,” whispers Aria between tears. DAMN RIGHT, HONEY.
Jenna is HOT HOT HOT now that she can see. My notes during this scene are mainly just the f-word repeated till the end of time, but I think that was really just the part focusing on Jenna’s heels and legs. It turns out that Jenna is a lesbian with Shana, or else something super fishy is happening when they rub their hands together. Maybe these girls are witches! Maybe we’re developing a new spin-off that’s half-Vampire Diaries, half-PLL. This also means that the A on Jenna’s porch is not Shana, but instead this Black Hood character waiting in the Twin Peaks diner. Someone walks in to meet Black Hood, described as “Pretty Eyes” – it’s TOBY!!!!!!!!!! HE IS ALIVE!!!!!! What an Easter miracle. I would not say that Toby’s eyeballs are his most defining feature (my vote – monster jaw). And under the black hood? Spencer, wearing a lot of make-up. SPENCER!!! Duh. I screamed a lot during this scene, for no real reason.
Spencer has been a part of Mona’s game so she could find answers – answers about Toby and answers about Red Coat. Spencer was the one hacking into Mona’s database for the cell number; Spencer knew she could find a way to get in touch with Toby. Spencer cements her status as the smartest person on the planet, and I bow in the presence of greatness (right now God has forsaken us). “Everything I’ve done so I could protect you” – Spencer and Toby are on solid terms again. A sex scene is in our future. Spencer was also the one to kidnap Malcolm and take him to the carnival, which is some elaborate plan to make Aria trust Spencer. Or something. Honestly, I don’t understand that logic and I’d rather just forget about the period of time where Spencer was locked up and didn’t think to deal with her dirty hair.
During babysitting, Hanna tells Malcolm that television rots the brain – “it’s your choice if you want to grow up to be stupid.” Hanna instead proposes this really fun game where she flips through all of her female friends and sees if Malcolm recognizes anyone. Turns out, Hanna just has all of her friends’ headshots in her iPhone photos and absolutely no nudes that she would have recently sent to Caleb. Regardless, Malcolm doesn’t bite; none of these girls are “Aria’s friend Alison.” Hanna alerts Emily. Emily is going for a midnight run, which seems stupid since she has a swim meet the next day. Emily spots Melissa, Jenna, and Shana yelling about something, something that looks like the invite for Spencer’s “party.” Lame. Emily once again thinks she’s Nancy Drew. Emily is probably drunk. I hope you all donated to the Veronica Mars movie.
RELATED: 'Pretty Little Liars' Finale Scoop!
Toby is living at a motel. Toby and Spencer have a lot of steamy sex while Lana Del Rey plays over the soundtrack. I think someone is trying to reference Vertigo but I also think the camera is drunk. I can hear a million teenagers sobbing into their pillows in a frenzy of lust. I die happy.
Hanna tells Malcolm about the days when she would eat “peanut butter, frosting in a can, and have a party.” Frosting in a can is one of the true blessings that human beings have discovered. I hope season four deals with a really scary plot where Hanna begins binge eating frosting again, resulting in her own emotional meltdown. I wonder if the other girls are mad that Ashley Benson got to do Spring Breakers while they painted their nails and took pictures for Teen Vogue… Okay. Back to babysitting. Someone sends Hanna a picture of Alison and SPENCER. Malcolm recognizes the “girl in the blue shirt” – SPENCER. Uh oh. Spencer is in trouble. Team Malcolm! This kid of ambiguous ethnic background redeems himself.
The next day – swim meet at Rosewood. This scene is kind of genius. Spencer spots Red Coat walking into the meet, but then realizes that the visiting team is the Red Devils; red cloaks are everywhere. Spencer finally spots her Red Coat again, and follows our mysterious figure into the bathroom… only to find it’s HANNA. Actually, it’s a trap set by the Three Sane Liars – if Spencer doesn’t know the identity of Red Coat, then she’s clearly not doing the dirty with Mona. Spencer is wearing too much make-up and too much black. Spencer explains that Mona wanted to break Spencer in the woods with the fake Toby body so that Mona could rebuild Spencer into a new machine of revenge; however, it backfired, as Spencer was strong enough to use Mona in order to find Toby and develop a plan to figure out the identity of Red Coat. Emily is hanging out in the bathroom when she should be swimming.
Aria learns that Ezra took the job at Rosewood, after he blatantly lied to her. Aria is pissed – “You’re right. There never was a happy ending for us.” While this long breakup was super sad, I think the more important tidbit we learned here is that the Liars have 7 more months of high school. SEVEN. I have absolutely no idea how that is even humanly possible at this damn school. Even fantasy/horror-influenced high school dramas like Buffy the Vampire Slayer didn’t use high school as an endless metaphor for purgatory. Is PLL a Lost prequel…?
Here we go. THE CLIMAX. Okay, the more I think about this climax the more I realize it was kind of a grand ballet for these girls. I’m just frustrated that we didn’t get any concrete answers. The three Liars in trouble get ready for the big party – Hanna brags about her brand new Miu Miu shoes, which she will return tomorrow for a full refund. The girls look super glammed up for this random soiree. Someone takes a video of the girls from outside Hanna’s home, and it seems like Hanna’s windows don’t hold any sort of sound inside the house. Excellent. That someone videographer was Toby – he needed to convince Mona that the girls were en route. As soon as the three Liars arrive at the lodge, they switch into their sneaky boots and make their way into the house; we’re turning the tables on Mona! Meanwhile, RED COAT IS IN A GIANT AIRPLANE ON HER WAY TO THE LODGE’S LANDING STRIP. The budget for this episode just skyrocketed, and I’m obsessed with Red Coat having a plane.
Mona is the worst. Toby is pretending to be super rude so Mona still trusts him; as soon as Spencer and Toby are outside in the woods, they are secret lovebirds all over again. Spencer has the best gown of the evening, because it is gold and also to the max sparkly. I still don’t understand why this fake party was put together, or why anyone would actually want to go, but whatever. A party to celebrate Spencer getting out of the loony bin? That sounds uncouth. Spencer runs off to see Red Coat’s face, Toby heads in the other direction to discover some strangers roaming around the woods – I believe these strangers are Melissa-Jenna-Shana, but PLL is obviously infamous for showing us what they want us to believe. Sigh.
RELATED: 'Pretty Little Liars' Recap: Mona's Surprising Ally
Mona is terribly upset when she’s corned by Aria, Emily, and Hanna - “Red Coat is everywhere and she’s nowhere,” according to Mona. That makes sense, Crazy One. One of the randos in the woods lights the cabin/lodge on fire, which is a nice touch. No one can escape! LOL! The fire illuminates the A-frame of the house, so the fire looks like an A. Get it? A!!! I could also be unhinged and hallucinating – please let me know if I should seek medical attention. Everyone is shocked to learn that Mona also doesn’t know who Red Coat is, but I don’t know why these girls assumed that a criminal mastermind would reveal themselves to a sad little girl that recently escaped from her insane asylum and joined the brainiacs.
Randos in the woods hit Toby in the back of the head; he’s knocked out, and they drop a lighter in his hand that features a wonky compass rose. This seems like a big clue for season four. Spencer follows Red Coat through the woods for 44 minutes of this hour-long episode, until Red Coat is seen pulling the three Liars from the burning house. Red Coat moves like Nightcrawler from X-Men. Hanna thinks she spots Red Coat’s face for a brief second… seeing the face is Ali? ALI IS ALIVE?!!???!! ALI IS RED COAT???!!! The show was clearly setting CeCe up for the big reveal, but the question of Ali being alive has always floated around the show. Also, how do we deal with the show’s recurring, shady references to Ali’s twin ? I haven’t read the book series so I don’t know anything. I do know that Chuck Bass was bisexual and owned a pet monkey in the Gossip Girl books, so there’s always that to cling to in times of need. The possible promise of Living Ali means my jaw is still on the floor. I always think I know PLL’s next big move and yet still find myself shocked. I’m a sucker for this sort of thing.
Hanna wasn’t dreaming; Mona is saying that Alison pulled them out of the fire, and Spencer also adds her voice to the “Ali is Red Coat” screams. We don’t have solid evidence, but this seems pretty legitimate. I’m sure season 4 will reveal that all of the girls are drug addicts living out their delusion alternate realty involving a rude blonde nurse named Alison, but this is a great development for now – it’s just the right amount of creepy with the slight possibility that the entire thing is totally false.
The Liars and Mona return from the woody lodge, relieved that they weren’t burned alive or fake blinded like Jenna. They’re relieved until they’re outside of Hanna’s home and spot WILDEN’S CAR FROM THE POND. THE VIDEO IS STILL ON LOOP. THIS CAR IS A TRANSFORMER AND IMMORTAL. We see PornStarMom hitting Wilden with her car… but then the video hits new footage - JENNA &amp; SHANA HELP WILDEN OUT OF THE WOODS. Okay. Jenna is back in town and Jenna is ready to f**k some bitches UP. Our four ladies AND MONA receive a nice text – “You’re mine now. Kisses-A.” Spencer pops open the trunk. We receive a nice reverse angle form inside the truck, looking up at the gaggle of misfits; I’m sure Quentin Tarantino would be fond of this shot if he was fond of PLL (and QT is just crazy enough that he might actually watch this damn show). Everyone screams bloody murder.
The tag at the end of the episode loops us back to Ali’s Carrie hand, shooting up from the dirt as a cry for help; this was the season 3 Halloween tag. However, we get a few more seconds of footage this time around, and we see another hand dive in to pull Ali out of her grave. HOLY WOAH. Maybe Alison shook off that dirt, hopped in her Pussy Wagon, and rode off to kill Bill. Maybe Alison was being turned, and now she is a full-fledged vampire. PLL has become much darker and twisty, and while I’m up for the change (just like Harry Potter!), I kind of miss the playful, cartoon-y edge of the early years; thank God Almighty that Hanna is still around to lighten the mood. SPRING BREAK FOREVER. I’m sure the forth season will be bonkers – I. Marlene King recently tweeted about re-watching the pilot episode while writing season 4; King also hinted in the PLL Entertainment Weekly cover story that the show could draw to a close after the fifth season. I say 55 seasons. Minimum.
[Image Credit: ABC Family(2)]
You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 25 Stars Before They Were Famous

I've had a bone to pick with American Idol for 11 seasons now. Without fail, the series continues to push mediocre singers through the audition process based purely on the fact that their back story provides a great example of inspiration or triumph. While Idol is congratulating itself for breaking down barriers and supporting folks who've been dealt extreme adversity, we're the ones forced to play the bad guy by noticing, hey, that guy with the terrible home life isn't a good singer, and isn't this a competition for amazing singers?
It's a vicious yearly cycle, and it's one that makes us all a little crazy every year. But this time, while some contestants may have ridden too far on the tails of their real life victories, as so many contestants have before them, at least these judges have the guts to nip the cycle in the bud before we're staring down the barrel of that long walk between the top 40 contestants and the top 24.Only those who deserve it should get to the point where Idol lets America decide.
The last thing we need is another judge breaking down Jennifer Lopez style at the final judges' deliberation as 2013's answer to Chris Medina walks away to sad, lonely music. And this year, we can thank the wonderful, talented, perfect Idol judge Nicki Minaj for keeping Hollywood week honest, even when it wasn't the popular or sweet, sugary thing to do. Nicki may tell everyone she loves them, but when it comes to dishing out the cold, hard truth, no one does it more accurately, fully, or respectfully than she does.
RELATED: 'American Idol' Recap: The Guys Are Just Alright
And Nicki comes out swinging as soon as the first singer of the guys' Hollywood Solo Night steps on stage. Paul Jolley, the handsome young man from Tennessee sings "Blown Away" by Idol alum Carrie Underwood, and dressed in all white, Paul is a bit of a singing angel. He's cute, he's sweet, and he's got a good voice, however, Nicki hates everything about the way he presents himself to the judges. "Give us one minute of professionalism," she says. And she's not overreacting.
Paul comes onstage saying how he just hopes they like him because this is his dream, is an act of defeatism before he even opens his mouth that drives Nicki nuts. If he believes he should be there, he should show it onstage. And she's right... even if the woman judging contestants from behind a pair of dark sunglasses and a general hat is remarking on professionalism.
In Paul's judging group (Idol has done away with the cruel Hollywood week waiting room practice) are Lazaro Arbos, whose rendition of "The Edge of Glory" was technically good without hitting any of the high drama of Lady Gaga's powerhouse song, and Curtis Finch, who's earned my ardent dislike after his selfish group night behavior.
Lazaro and Paul are allowed to stay, and Curtis is willed by that power that be Mariah to stay forever in the presence of the judges. It's an exercise in being careful what one wishes for. If you want backstory to be second to talent, you've got to concede that Curtis belongs here. Even if he did act like a selfish child when his teammate fell ill during group performances. And damnit if he didn't just kill his run-happy cover of "Jar of Hearts," overacting and all.
Next up is someone the producers have clearly been hiding all competition: Devin Velez, who apparently got a standing O from Randy during the Hollywood week sudden death round.
The fact that we're just now meeting him could signal that he's going to be increasingly important in the coming weeks. Idol loves to save its top 24 candidates for Hollywood week reveals. And Devin's "What a Wonderful World" is beautiful, ending on a crystalline high falsetto note. Keith says this guy was born to sing, and despite his constant overzealous commentary that we can only assume comes from a need to keep up with Nicki and Mariah, it appears the country star might be very, very right. No sad story needed.
RELATED: 'American Idol' Recap: Yeah, Dude Looks Like a Lady
Devin is followed by Gurpreet Singh Sarin, who gets down to "Georgia on My Mind." He seems a little uncomfortable holding his guitar while perched on a tiny bar stool, and his vocals aren't exemplary, but his sound and style are slightly off in a way that seems deliberate.
Cortez Shaw gives another off-key performance, saved only by his pretty face and his suave stage presence. We can do better than this.
He could be a nice singer with the right vocal coach, but as for now, I'm not sure why he keeps making it through. But Cortez isn't the problem. At least there's some level of appeal to Cortez, even if his off-pitch moments drive me batty. He has some level of star quality about him.
Matheus Fernandes, however, does not. He continually tells stories to the camera about howIdolis his first chance to sing in front of others and in front of famous judges. He makes an excuse during his audition that he's never sung with a band before.
Yet, he's somehow forgetting the fact that we all have the ability to access Google, even if Nev from Catfish makes it sound like some high-tech mystifying secret. It's not hard for your average Internet user to find out that Matheus was on half a season of The Glee Project and that he sang many songs with backing of all sorts.
RELATED: 'American Idol' Recap: The Panel is Haunted... By Complete Civility
He's milking his height for all its worth. And when he approaches the mic to deliver his big solo, he makes not one, but two references to his height as a means of securing his facade as a miracle contestant plucked from obscurity and fighting the odds. And when he finally opens his mouth to sing, the result isn't pleasant.
His version of "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson held all the playacted emotion of the closing scene of Hamlet in a middle school play, and none of the vocal quality of a singer who deserves a spot onAmerican Idol. When Matheus comes back with excuses about the band, forcing out tears like one might force flavor out of a slice of lime, Nicki, my girl, lays the harsh, harsh truth on him. She notes the various times he's referenced his height before delivering a performance and tells him what we're all thinking, "Sometimes things can go from being inspiring to becoming you wanting a pity party," she says.
Now, her next piece of advice is a puzzle to me, because winter apparently hates my connection to Time Warner Cable, but what I pieced together is something along the lines of, when you're great, no one is going to care about how tall you are, so stop talking about it and just be a good singer. And if that's not what Nicki said and my cable glitch kept me from some other glorious truth, I'm taking that observation as my own.
Next: The necessary cruelty takes another casualty.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: Fox]
When it comes time for another round of should I stay or should I go (now), Gurpreet, Devin, and Cortez are safe and Matheus is sent packing. It would have been a great time to set aside our differences and feel some sympathy for the guy, but even in his exit interview, he's crying and blaming not knowing how to sing with a band for the fact that he gambled by putting his unique body type ahead of his talent and lost.
But Matheus' mistake doesn't seem to teach the other contestants a lesson. Nicholas Mathis kicks off the next string of solos with "Locked Out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars and it is basically terrible. I really wanted the sweet father of two, was was so considerate of his and Curtis Finch's sick teammate during group performances, to be amazing. He simply wasn't.
And when Keith asked him what was going on, he simply started crying and saying he missed his kids. It's a natural human emotion to miss one's kids, but as Keith points out, artists sacrifice time with their families and those they love very often in order to experience the sheer validation and value of expressing oneself through music.
If Nicholas can't get through an audition without allowing his misgivings about missing his daughter, then he clearly shouldn't be a famous singer or even a contestant on this show; for him, the priority is getting home to his kids. It doesn't make sense for him to stay, when he's not able to give his all to the competition, whether or not it's for a sweet, family-oriented reason.
Of course, Keith twists the knife a little when he tells Nicholas he was "chasing the song" instead of chasing the dream, and Nicholas is a generally sweet guy, so it's hard to see him so torn up over losing out on his dream.
Nicki's precious Papa Peachez is the next to take the stage, telling cameras beforehand that lots of people who try out forIdolare "puppets" and he's not one of them, before taking the stage for "You and I."
His voice defies logic and it's still got that unique, somewhat confounding appeal, but Peachez appears to be sleeping through his own performance. It's something Nicki, who's gone out on a limb for the contestant multiple times, doesn't take kindly to. "That flame is completely burnt out," she says, disappointing that he "let the competition suck it out of you."
But Nicki's not just disappointed, she's angry, turning to her fellow judges and letting a "What the f**k was that?" slip. But who can blame her? She told him not to be so complacent in the competition, and if anything, he turned the complacency up a notch.
That drama is followed by Jimmy Smith, a '90s country superstar out of a Lifetime movie, with "Landslide." It's nice, but he's still missing the star quality they said he was missing during group performances. Mariah says she was wowed. I was not.
But when the eliminations were doled out, Jimmy was safe along with Johnny Keyser and Vincent Powell and it was Nicholas and Peachez who were doing the walk of shame.
After adjusting to the new losses, we move onto Nick Boddington, who was never very interesting before this solo night performance. He decides to sing while playing the piano and it really works.
His unique look, along with his pleasant, nasal quality of his voice, and his all-or-nothing approach to the competition work in his favor, despite the fact that His falsetto range is a little shaky.
Any quirk Nick might have earned, however, is outdone by Charlie Askew, the funny little guy in a shiny suit and blue track shoes. Nicki is obsessed with him, and truth be told, I kind of love him too.He bravely opens his cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know" by pulling a Taylor Swift and connecting the song to his lost love while the band plays the intro; clearly, this kid is a natural showman.
And while it's a tired song, Charlie kind of kills it. He can't reach every high note, which is somewhat worrisome as the competition continues, but he's a natural weirdo onstage and he's infinitely lovable. When the judges reveal who's staying, it's Nick, Charlie "So Weird It's Art" Askew, JDA, and Mathenee who are going through.
Added to that pile of victors are Burnell Taylor and Marvin Calderon who both take on "Jar of Hearts" shortly after Curtis' performance. Marvin gets good news, but it's hard to be wowed by his rendition of the song after Curtis went all gospel on it and Burnell gave it such delicate, emotional nooks and crannies we didn't even know it had during his solo performance. Burnell is more likely the one of watch of the two.
And with that, the judges were back to delivering bad news, even if traditional Idol logic defied it. Micah Johnson, the guy whose speech impediment is completely gone as long as he's singing, takes on "I Told You So" by Randy Travis and technically, everything about it is great.
It just wasn't awe-inspiring.He played by the rules and hit the right notes when he was supposed to, but there was nothing about the performance that made it unique or exemplary aside from the fact that it is possible despite his personal troubles.
Rather than subject Micah to the group elimination, the judges send him home right then and there. And as if it wasn't already hard enough to turn this poor guy down, he's got a ridiculously upbeat attitude about the whole experience afterward, saying he's thankful for the opportunity and that it will be alright because he's healthy and employed. It's a start contrast to folks like Nicholas who use their last moments on television to disparage their competition mates and cry about how unfair the judges are.
Before the episode comes to a close, we learn that Gabe the baker from Chicago, Sanni the young phenom, and Nate the adorable sign language teacher were also eliminated, but that's not the end of it.
The judges, even with all their harsh (and by some viewers' standards heartless) cuts, still let too many guys stay on past the solo round. Where there should be 20 there are 28, and so after the girls do their (hopefully more dramatic) take on Hollywood week, eight more guys are getting cut.
Of course, it would make sense to make the judges do their job right now since they screwed up, but no. The poor eager singers (and the eager-ish viewers at home) have to wait until next week to find out who makes the surprise second cut.
We would be more excited, but Ryan Seacrest dangles this carrot of a teaser in front of our faces like we don't know what he's up to. We see you, Idol, and this cliffhanger isn't going to make up for a wildly lackluster Guys' Hollywood Week.
All we can do is hope that the girls can deliver where the men failed, and from the looks of the promo, girls are the necessary ingredient for a Heejun-less Hollywood week.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: Michael Becker/Fox]
From Our Partners:
Young Han Solo Movie: Dave Franco to Star? (Moviefone)
Justin Bieber Drug and Cheating Rumors?! (Vh1)

It's Hollywood week, and we're supposed to be floating on little clouds of Nicki Minaj's cotton candy hair and Mariah Carey's never-ending collection of butterfly accessories.We're supposed to be in heaven. But no. It's not that simple. American Idol has to be fresh and new, so they have to change all the rules of Hollywood week. What they don't seem to understand is they they just drew a mustache on the Mona Lisa of reality singing competition challenges.
Nigel Lythgoe waltzes out to tell a surprisingly husky group of competitors that the rules have changed this year. Rule 1: See how there are only men in this room? That's the first change. Just think of it as a middle school dance. Hollywood Week 1 is the wall where all the boys are standing, the one with the basketball scoreboard hovering above their heads. Hollywood Week 2 is the opposite wall, with all the girls twirling their hair while lingering close to the emergency exit. It's unnecessary, and it severely disrupts the usual ebb and flow of the dance of Hollywood week drama.
Rule 2: Producers choose the groups, no ifs, ands, or buts. Sure, in theory this means we'll get multitudes of groups butting heads rather than just the few that are comprised of shy guys, stragglers, and raging ego-maniacs, but in practice, it means continuous crimes against music, endless mild disagreement, and so much distraction that even some of the best singers in the competition are thrown off their game. It's a mess, and not the great kind. The worst result may be that terrible performances are rewarded with a second chance time and again this episode, perhaps as an acknowledgement that this new process was bad for everyone, but first, the judges did their best to thin out the herd in the initial sudden death speed round.
RELATED: 'American Idol' Recap: Yeah, Dude Looks Like a Lady
Most important to note at this point in the competition are those folks who lost it all in a matter of seconds. First up was Karl Skinner, who we fell in love with in Oklahoma City only to let go too soon in a fit of Coca-Cola-driven fervor. Unfortunately, Karl shows himself to be all growl and no true vocals, and he's sent home along with the group of strange rapscallions (including a man who drops a paper heart with all the ceremony of Criss Angel releasing a dove while he delivers his emo audition). He's followed by the singing doctor a.k.a. Dr. Calvin Peters, who I chastised for leaving behind his job helping to heal burn victims to pursue fame when we met him back in Charlotte. Next comes cutie-patootie firefighter Dustin Watts who was always lovable, but rather generic in this mixed bag of contestants.
Next comes the challenge. Cortez Shaw shows up with too much confidence for his own good, attempting to belt out the Whitney Houston classic "I Will Always Love You." And it's not good. His off-key, cocky performance starts a debate among the judges when Mariah inexplicably likes him (girl, is your falsetto range affecting your brain?). Nicki actually says she is "disgusted" and Randy says the only thing the kid needed to hear: "You ain't Whitney." Yet somehow, this cocky little smart-ass gets another shot at the big time. Sure, he sang a much tougher song than anyone else, but he clearly knows nothing about his vocal ability and that spells elimination.
The fake-outs continue as Nicki carries out a few jokes of her own. Her first victim is Bryant Tadeo, who she gets to admit he's tired so she can tell him "It's good that your tired because you're going to have a lot of time to sleep now that we're sending you home." But it's all a cruel ruse, Bryant's just dealing with a little emotional trauma now. No big deal. At least Bryant got a lesson in being grateful and excited about Idol. Oh and also, there's the part where he gets to stay. That's not bad either.
Lastly, we watch Brian Rittenberry, whose adorable wife survived cancer and then spent the second half of his audition sweetly fawning over Keith Urban. He attempts to country-fy Brian McKnight's "Back at One," and while he's still got strength and sweetness, it's clear the rough quality of his voice is serving to camouflage the lack of vocal ability. The lovable lug is sent home, and it's not pleasant to watch his dreams crash, the show is about singing and it was the right thing to do to let him go. It's a skill our judges only seem to have half of the time as auditions continue.
Almost as suddenly as it rehearsals began (because there was no time devoted to the cruel, yet fascinating process of self-selecting groups), the performances were underway, undercutting the vicious footage we've come to expect. It's probably better for our souls this way, but we were okay with the consequences of verbal sparring and bullys bested by their more talented teammates. Luckily, not everything has changed. We still get the requisite bathroom rehearsal. Unnecessary beat-boxing (unless you're Justin Timberlake or Blake Lewis, beat-boxers need not apply, but oh boy do they ever). We're also treated to an ego-crushing wake-up reel of the contestants before they've prettied themselves. Well, everyone except for Johnny Keyser, who apparently rolls out of bed with perfectly feathered hair and a cavalier attitude. And while even I'm jealous of his charmed life, full of eyes so sparkly they blind the sun and hair so naturally perfect it should be in a museum, his wake-up routine isn't exactly the highlight of Hollywood week. Then again, I'm not really sure what was.
RELATED: 'American Idol' Recap: The Panel is Haunted ... By Complete and Utter Civility
First group of the night is Mathheads, comprised of Matenee Treco, Matheus Fernandes, Gabe Brown, and Nick Bodington. After milking Matheus's tale of shortness for all it's worth (even having the kid lay on his bed so he could put his hopes out into the ether, "God, please help me. I've been waiting so long for this," even though he just had a fairly sizable shot on Ryan Murphy's The Glee Project. Matenee's got a case of the crazy eyes, Gabe has an issue or two with really singing out when he's not using his gutteral growl, Matheus rocks out like it's still 1984 and Van Halen is the pinnacle of musical fame, and Nick is simply so overshadowed by his cohorts that I couldn't remember a distinguishing factor about him if I tried. "Somebody to Love" by Queen earns them all another shot at the top 24, but I'm still wary of Matheus and his seemingly out of control ego.
Johnny Keyser, his pretty face, and his group take on a song that he didn't actually know, because he doesn't listen to human music, just the sounds of a million angels singing directly into his ear. "Reach Out (I'll Be There)" may be a classic Four Tops song that most fans of aural joy have heard at least once in their lives, provides a problem for Johnny in that it is a total blind spot. It means a complete jumble of misguided voices for Johnny's group.Johnny forgets his lyrics, but manages to keep on humming. Kareen Clark has the words down, but he's flatter than a piece of plywood. The harmonies are awful. Despite the fact that Aussie Keith can't believe that he knows a song that all-American kid Johnny doesn't, Johnny is sent on through while the other move on. Of course they keep the hot guy. This is Hollywood after all. What's Tinseltown without a few attractive people to keep us interested? (A town full of talented people who were judged fairly? Who wants that.)
And the disappoint keeps on keeping on. Curtis Finch and his unbelievable gospel/R&amp;B voice have made him one of the voices to beat in the competition, but as it turns out, he's kind of a jerk. When his assigned teammate, scrawny little pop-punk-loving Charlie, gets sick, Curtis sees it as an opportunity to do better for himself, with the kid out of the way. Their third teammate does everything he can to help Charlie, even admitting it to the camera while Curtis stood aside expressionless, totally aware that taking credit for helping Charlie would be unwise after the truth had been caught on camera. When the trio performs, however, you'd never know there was an issue among them, but Curtis's capable runs are tinged with the knowledge that he would have let that poor kid hang out to dry if he needed to. Apparently, he didn't get the memo about everything he says being taped and presented to America so that they might one day choose to vote (or more likely not vote) for the guy who was too ambitious to help a guy in need. Naturally, the judges don't know about his backstage antics and they're wowed, sending all three through while Mariah inflated Curtis' ego by telling him she's been waiting all day to hear him sing. With a victory on his hands, Curtis is all team spirit suddenly, but I can't imagine that would be the case if the song had put him in danger. If only she wasn't right about his talent. Selfish or not, the guy can destroy any song he touches.
RELATED: 'American Idol' Recap: There Ain't No Crying (or Fighting) in Baton Rouge
Two more relatively boring groups squeak on by, giving speech-impediment sufferer Micah Johnson and his teammates Vincent Powell, Marvin Calderon, and David Willis a ticket to the next round. Also raking in the luck was sign language teacher Nate Tao's group of leather-jacket-lovers, who all went easily to the next round, even Cortez, despite his tendency to hop into off-key territory during "Some Kind of Wonderful." If Cortez keeps getting through, we're going to have the male equivalent of Karen Rodriguez on our hands again.
While we wade through two groups who can't even muster up a fraction of the lyrics to either "What Makes You Beautiful" (only the most infection pop song courtesy of the biggest boy band on the planet, One Direction) or any number of other well-known songs during this, a singing competition presumably filled with folks so set on singing they might want to listen to artists other than themselves. Two groups of lyric-losers come through and only Paul Jolley and Will White survive.
B-Side or the group formerly known as Three Men and a Baby (get it, because that one kid is 15 and the rest of the dudes are strapping men!), try a little Maroon 5 and Keith comes to his fellow reality judge Adam Levine's defense: "Adam Levin isn't dead yet, but he's alredy rolling over in his grave." Morbid, Urban. Gupreet Singh Sarin, Nicki's favorite "Turbanator" from New York, leads the group, many of whom forget the lyrics completely while Sarin at least fills his empty lyrical space with some scatting. The sounds are simply cacophonic and even though Gupreet does his best to salvage his flub, he's not much stronger than he was during auditions when Nicki had to beg her fellow judges to give him a shot. Yet somehow, the judges deliberate and come out with the idea that these guys, who blew their group audition, deserve another chance. Even Gupreet looks confused as Nicki exclaims her joy over her "baby group" living to see another day of competition. She says she pushes them through because "we are humans and we forget the lyrics, but it's about what you do in those moments that makes you a star," and we hear you, Nicki, but these guys don't seem to be the ones to use that card up on. Hopefully, I'm wrong and they heed Randy's command to simply "be better next time." Some act of God spared this undeserving group, but hopefully it will lead to somewhat of a small miracle when it comes time for solo Hollywood auditions tomorrow.
Suddenly, some glaring choice (that occurred in the last paragraph and surprised all of us) makes the judges realize they have to get tough and soon. Luckily, they are served up a nice hot plate of terrible singing to get them in the cutting mood. Last Minute, a group that included Jason Jones, Dan Wood, Jessie Lawrence, and some guy the producers didn't see a need to call by name forget their words and quite possibly how to sing, forcing Randy to burst, "How do I even judge this?" He doesn't really have to, and send the whole lot home.
Carrying on with the snooze train is a group organized by Ryan Conner Smith, who gets the singers to perform a cappella. The judges hate the lack of musical accompaniment, and Ryan's innovation (and lack of vocal prowess) is what sends him home while the rest of his group stays. Perhaps he should have heeded his vocal coach (and Katharine McPhee's mom) when she cast a disapproving look at the mention of an a cappella audition.
Burnell Taylor from Baton Rouge is known as the guy who made Mariah cry during auditions, but during Hollywood week, his group's "Some Kind of Wonderful" almost made her cry for another reason. Burnell doesn't know the words, and his vocals are suffering. Yet memories of his past performances apparently keep him alive, during the round that is supposed to be judged at face value and he and his teammate Tony Foster Jr. are safe while their cohorts pack up.
Finally, as the end of the episode approaches, the drama begins to emerge. Super 55, socially-challenged stutterer Lazaro Arbos' group is having issues. And if you ask Josh Stevens, it's because they're all spending too much time trying to fix Lazaro because he's "not from around here" and his stutter makes it hard to communicate. While Lazaro is concerned that his teammates take his speech issue as a symptom of deficient mental ability, Josh is the one showing off just how stupid he can be. Who's the one Nicki loves so much, she made a heart with her hands in his general direction during the sudden death round? Oh, Lazaro. That's right. Pipe down, Joshie. While Josh worries some more, Ryan Seacrest's voice-over hopes the group doesn't become a statistic (which is impossible because they're by default already a statistic. This isn't an STD prevention PSA. "Becoming a statistic" doesn't mean bad things happen to you.) And the only people in danger of statistichood turned out to be Josh and his buddy in bullying, Scott Fleenor, who plays the flat singer to Josh's boring 1950s sock-hop attendee. Lazaro and his teammate Christian Lopez (With the dreamy blue eyes and sultry, seductive singing voice) are the only ones worth watching, and when the voting is done, the judges only leave the talented ones standing. Scott simply sulks, but Josh takes this golden opportunity to right the wrongs he's committed since group rehearsals started to be a total ass. "If anything, you should be going on. We spent so much time perfecting what you needed to be doing," was all he could say through his tears to Lazaro before he parted ways with the talented young lad.
But Idol had more than one group tailor-made for total implosion. Country Queen pitted two eccentric young men against two strapping young country singers, one of whom has a serious issue with men who don't chop down trees or stomp around in muddy boots. JDA and Joel Wayman drive Army man Trevor Blakney nutty with their focus on showmanship, but his real problem seems to be the various ways in which both men are less attached to traditional expressions of gender. While they're completely willing to listen to his needs as a member of the group, Trevor is convinced his teammates are ignoring him and he flatout refuses to participate in the lyrical workshop that he whined so desperately for, complaining that he didn't want to "put on dresses and put glitter on." And his intolerance of people unlike himself (something producers were counting on) costs him his pride and his spot in the competition. He forgets his lyrics, while his glitter-wearing teammate JDA focuses on vocals and wins the judges approval. Everyone in the group, including so-so country singer Lee Pritchard make it through while Trevor heads home to pout about never having lost anything before. Well, my dear boy, the thing about winning is that it doesn't happen when you sit on your rear end complaining for an entire round of a cutthroat competition.
And just when it seems the judges' vow to be tougher isn't quite as strong as they made it sound, Cystic Fibrosis afflicted 15-year-old Kayden Stephenson comes to the stage with his group, which includes a mature and much more polished David Leathers Jr. (he was eliminated at the top 24 cut off last season), is up with "For the Longest Time." Idol placed all four members of DSDK together because, oh aren't they cute, they're all the youngest in the competition. Each of the youngsters delivers at the very least descent solos until it comes time for Kayden's turn. A quick shot of Mariah while Kayden flounders with his sweet, child's voice on stage makes the diva look like she's just seen something horrific. This sweet little survivor is crashing and burning before her eyes and she can't handle the thought of what the judges are going to have to tell him. Luckily, he's not sent home alone, alone Sanni M'Mairura and David make it through, but it's still heartbreaking to watch little Kayden trudge on home. While his story was awe-inspiring, it was clear during his first audition that his voice wasn't strong enough for the competition, yet the show couldn't resist sending him through and pumping him for failure. He should never have made it to the televised round of auditions; it was clear he wasn't strong enough. Yet in the end, Nicki has to convince Mariah (and any backstory-clinging viewers) that sending him home was the right thing to do. Yes, it was hard watching the panel send home a cancer survivor with an amputated leg after he wasn't good enough for the competition, but it's less difficult than watching him step even closer to his dream before it's taken away. Rip the bandaid off early, or we're left feeling horrible for a young kid who was advanced unfairly because his story looked great as an episode endcap.
Finally, the night ends in tears when Frankie Ford, who won us over with his story about singing for change on the subway in New York, lets the pressures of a contentious group mar his ability to use his God-given voice. Placed in a group with powerhouse Charles Allen, unstoppable personality Papa Peachez, and constant surprise Adam Sanders, Frankie is faced with a smorgasbord of musical variety. He could, as the least experienced member of the group, use it to learn. But instead, he spends the whole rehearsal period complaining that they don't listen to him, driving him to tears just minutes before it's time to perform. Oz, as they decide to call themselves, serves up a performance that's the vocal equivalent of the junk drawer. Nothing fits together, however great the value in each individual piece. Peachez is weak, clearly shaken up by the group dynamic. Adam does okay, but ultimately rescues his performance with a suggestive joke. And Charles is the only solid performer, pulling out a few high notes and impressive runs. Frankie, however, cries on stage, forgets his lyrics, and eventually gives up mid-phrase. Even if his story is admirable and moves us and his voice is a good one, this is not the behavior or attitude of someone who can win Idol. He's cut loose while Peachez earns another chance thanks to Nicki's incessant begging, but that's not the last we hear of the supposedly sweet singer from New York. He bursts out of auditions, barreling away from his friends and yelling about how he'll come back and win, but it's his line "They will not deny me" that is of concern. Frankie, you're a good singer, but no one, not even American Idol owes you a win or an instant ticket to fame. He can come back again, but unless he fixes that attitude, it's going to be the same story all over again.
With all that surprisingly lackluster nonsense out of the way, Thursday will deliver the solo Hollywood round, also known as the place contestants start to have their big moments (you know, those performances that seem to make the sky open up just so angels can come down and flutter around the singer on the stage?). There will be a bit of drama here and there, but what we're looking for isn't a fight or a hissy fit. We're looking for some kind of wonderful.
Of course, it will be strange to go through this process once more with the ladies next week. Hopefully, they don't leave us with such ardent fits of boredom as the menfolk.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: Fox]
You Might Also Like:
Hot Young Politicians
Who Wore This Crazy Hat?
Stars Who Changed Their Look

We open with… SEX!!! Okay, so I know I’ve mentioned the Toby-Spencer-Fifty Shades connection a few times before, but Spencer’s latest sex dream is basically a scene from the porn novel of the decade. Low-slung jeans? A muscular shirtless male? Black gloves? Choking? E. L. James, what’s up! Spencer wakes up from her little nightmare and remembers that the A key is within reach. Spencer is really into some kinky things and/or she is absolutely terrified of her recent ex — I can’t judge because I live in a glass house. Too bad Toby is secret and evil/”evil.” What I liked most about this scene was that we didn’t get a single line of dialogue before the opening credits kicked in — it’s like the There Will Be Blood of television! Hannah drank everyone’s milkshake!
Emily locks her window. Aria slumps down near the fireplace. Melissa is back in the game as a suspect, due to the new knowledge acquired from Byron (even though she’s still enjoying her glamorous life in Philadelphia or whatever the writer’s room cooked up). A package arrives from Emily from… Nate’s family. Scary lighthouse flashbacks were bound to creep on up. Dead Nate! Nate-not-Nate! Nate was not his real name, but I will always remember him as Nat. (Do not) RIP. The package features old birthday cards Emily sent to Ali (Maya probably found them when she moved into Ali’s old house), along with Ali’s Biology notebook. Biology is fun! Also, Emily’s Mother delivered the package upstairs. Emily’s parents decide to switch off who is actually home without telling anyone of their plans, so the faint look of confusion that always creeps across Emily’s face is kind of understandable. Remember when Emily’s Mother cried in the tomato soup kitchen closet over her daughter’s lesbianism? I loved that scene. LOVED.
Checking in on my favorite Liar, Hannah’s PornStarMom is back! Hooray! Zero explanation, no mention of Grams taking over for a week, but what can I really expect? The money is in the lasagna box. I’ve watched roughly 10 episodes of The Vampire Diaries and I sometimes get weird feelings that Elena and Hannah live in the same home. Hannah is chatting with her boyfriend on the interwebs; PLL loves answering the weekly “why isn’t _______’s boyfriend in this episode” debacle by showing a quick AIM session. Totally convincing. PornStarMom knows every single thing that has been going on with Hanna, even though she has spent the past month in Porn Valley or Guatemala or Paris or Rome or Anywhere But Rosewood. PornStarMom (I’ll never stop call her that, I wish I was sorry) asks Hanna is Caleb “has been tangling with Mona,” and Hannah acts as if she’s never heard the word “tangling” before. Which has to be a lie, because Hannah definitely saw Tangled in theaters. Meddling high school mothers just lead to so much angst. Sigh.
Byron and Aria are best friends again — all of the evil lurking has been completely forgotten/forgiven. Byron reveals that Meredith “has a long history of… issues.” YOU DON’T SAY. Aria wants Meredith to seek treatment in Alaska, which is definitely a smart move. I told myself I would not make a Sarah Palin joke so I won’t. Out and about in Rosewood, Hanna is incorrectly pronouncing “Matterhorn” and Spencer isn’t correcting her. Uh oh. Something is wrong. PLL has kept the audience one step ahead on all of the Toby-Spencer drama, which is interesting. Don’t get me wrong, here. I love knowing more than the three other Liars in the mini-girl cult. It makes things really emotional and injects some necessary dramatic irony. It still feels like an odd structural swap. Spencer decides to skip the daily meeting at the Brew, where Hannah and Aria catch up with Emily. Emily does still seem to work at the coffee shop! Bands to make her dance!
Emily shares Ali’s old biology notebook (“Who cares how a cell divides… it just does.” –Hannah), and it looks like someone was passing secret notes with Ali. And by “secret notes,” I mean that Ali and someone were having a written conversation. Pre-AIM! Ali’s note-passing relationship looks very much like that between LC and Whitney on early seasons of The Hills: Whitney asks a lot of important questions without holding an actual conversation, LC gives a lot of juicy yet vague details about her personal life. This sequence dissolves into the most confusing conversation the Liars have ever attempted – everyone is suddenly a graphology master, such that I think these three could probably crack the Zodiac case if they went back to the original evidence and studied the handwriting. We’re looking at g’s, we’re looking at t’s, Hannah is referencing the way Grams writes. Ali is writing about Toby. Nothing spoken out loud makes sense; it almost feels like this scene was edited down from a 20-minute sequence. No one drinks coffee.
Aria decides to bounce from school to meet up with Ezra and explain Maggie Babygate, especially because Hannah says it’s a smart choice. You CANNOT just leave high school early to go visit your extremely old boyfriend. That is literally against all of the rules of all high schools ever. At my high school, leaving the campus to get Subway for lunch meant getting the same punishment as the kid dealing drugs out of his car in the senior parking lot. I wish I was joking. I might be joking. Hannah later overhears Paige on the phone, and learns that she is the leader of an undercover anti-Mona terrorist splinter cell with Caleb. Hannah is clearly concerned for her boyfriend. PUT A PIN IN THIS HANNA-PAIGE DEVELOPMENT BECAUSE IT BLOSSOMS INTO THE GREATEST PLL SEQUENCE. THE GREATEST.
I feel like Spencer should start abusing prescription meds, or at the very least caffeine pills à la Jessie “I’m So Excited” Spano. Spencer is cracking, and she’s having trouble remembering to condition her hair while in the shower. Spencer is probably crying a lot on the floor of her shower in the fetal position. Anyway, the Handwriting Sleuths uncovered a reference to Ali’s secret lover, “Beach Hottie.” He sounds hot! And intentionally creepy! Emily confronts Spencer in the bathroom about the mention of Toby in the Biology Notebook – Spencer freaks out. Spencer reads the notebook. The featured flashback sets up the Ali vs. Spencer beef, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TOBY IN A DO-RAG becomes the most distracting thing that has ever been featured in a television show. Toby has his shirt hanging open while chilling in his juvie cell and showing off the scar below his right eye – absolutely hilarious. Ali thinks that Toby is sending threatening A letters and confronts him about it. This literally feels like a SNL skit.
After this glamorous flashback, Spencer tells Emily the truth… that she broke up with Toby the night before. Better tell the whole truth soon, Spencer. After this exhausting bathroom get-together, Spencer gets antsy in her study session for The Crucible. Spencer explodes when she reads a text from Aria: “Ezra freaked. He broke up with me. Can you meet me in the park?” Spence sprints out of class, goes toe-to-toe with Aria’s Mother, and screams about how reading about people being betrayed doesn’t help with actually being betrayed by an evil cyber-stalker and maybe-dead ex-best frenemy. Spencer hates school now, which is making me a lot upset. How far we’ve fallen since the beginning rounds of the academic face-off a couple of weeks ago.
#FitzFindsOut — Spencer rolls into the park on her bike, slams it to the group, and begins ripping Ezra a new one. Spencer is saying 994 words a minute, and Ezra clearly has no idea what is happening. Slow down, crazy! The Maggie secret comes out of Spencer’s lips because she can catch up with herself, and everything crumbles. Oops. Spencer realizes that she was set up by A, and races from the park. Ezra is confused. This is hard. Real emotions are hard. Aria, wearing an ugly necklace that was also featured on this week’s Happy Endings, is startled when Ezra shows up in the cafeteria. Don’t these people go to school in Pennsylvania? How is everyone always hanging out in the open-air courtyard? Ezra can’t believe that Aria couldn’t be honest with him: “YOU are the person I am spending my life with. YOU are the person I’m supposed to trust.” I feel like this is the end. I was super invested in Ezria in the middle of Season 2, but now I find them slightly boring. They need something exciting. Maybe Ezra can start going Dexter on the citizens of Philly? Our good friend A texts Aria as soon as Ezra runs off, and Aria catches up quick. SO – how did A suddenly send a text masked as Aria’s number? I feel like A should be doing this all the time and tricking everyone forever and driving all of the Liars to check into mental institutions after they build a time machine in an attempt to travel to a time before cell phones. Hannah would probably try to travel to 1904. Too bad the Liars can’t appear on Fringe anymore.
Up at the police station, Emily’s Mom has been hired to… do something; PLL isn’t always great with occupational details. Detective Wilden is back in town after going on vacation for 19 years; if you’ll recall, Wilden is most notable for sleeping with PornStarMom and being as creepy as a detective can be. He’s also weirdly hot? I miss non-weirdly hot Hot British Doctor. I miss the days of great television detective like Veronica Mars, where detectives could live their lives without being undercover villains. Wilden admits to sharing a connection with Emily because he had to kill someone two weeks out of academy; it would be a nice pep talk if it felt genuine. Wilden is probably trying to sleep with Emily’s Mother — how long before he collects all of the mothers? My guess is Season 12, episode 5.
Emily finds a picture of Ali and CeCe at Cape May in the back of the notebook. CECE!!! CeCe is such a great dame; I still wish she were best friends with Jenna, so that the two of them could join together on a spin-off about besties traveling the country. It would play out like a non-“reality” The Simple Life! I am hoping the PLL showrunners can balance out four episodes in a row without Jenna by featuring four episodes that are solely about Jenna at the end of the season. CeCe explains that there were “so many hotties” at Cape May, so who knows which hottie was Ali’s exclusive hottie? I feel like Ali maybe never had an exclusive hottie, which is actually a little sad. CeCe remembers Ali admitting that she was “late” (the pregnant kind of late) while CeCe just wanted to enjoy a cold beer at a cheesy beach crab shack (I’m a huge fan of cheesy beach crab shacks, hailing from Maryland and all). This is horrifying because Ali was … 14? She certainly looks maximum 14 during this scene. CeCe has really great selective memory because she forgot to bring up that Ali might have been pregnant when she was killed. Yeah, not an issue at all. Whatever. Smart move, CeCe.
Spencer is at home, making a TV dinner in her cool stove. I miss Marie Callendar TV dinners. I used to think they were really expensive when I was little, but maybe they’re really cheap? I should look into this, someone please remind me before I head to the grocery store this week. Aria enters Spencer’s house THROUGH THE BACK DOOR (c’mon, set designers – please give one character a front door entry this season), and the two have an awkward standoff about the Ezra baby reveal. Spencer wields a pair of scissors like she is about to cut herself and/or chop everyone’s hair off, but she doesn’t use them for human violence. How un-Chekov of PLL. Spencer continues to crack into a million little pieces. Aria is a good friend. Spencer is going to have a repair a lot of her friendships soon. Spencer, please put the scissors down and eat your dinner.
Aria and Hannah have a quick phone chat to catch up, but Hannah has to run because she’s following Paige. Hannah loves following people, and this time she follows Paige right into… A LESBIAN BAR. Rosewood has a lesbian bar!!! I am sure it is hidden in the middle of the woods behind a fake rock pile that plays Indigo Girls disguised as bird chirps. This lesbian bar has a lot of lesbians (Emily needs to take herself out and find a new mama), and also features a disco ball and really great wood carving of a bear. Everyone should spend a night out at the Cubbyhole in the West Village if you’re in NY — it’s a great lesbian bar, rivaled only by this Rosewood joint. I once played Kelly Clarkson on the Cubbyhole jukebox and the place basically caught on fire. You’re welcome. THIS, RIGHT HERE, IS THE BEST PLL SCENE. HANNAH IN A LESBIAN BAR. I COULD WATCH A FULL SEASON OF THIS. I couldn’t stop laughing. A punky girl orders a “pink flirtini” in a giant glass, and everyone in this bar is so outrageously butch. I wonder what the casting call looked like for this episode, because I want to frame it on my wall and cherish it till I die. Paige is hanging out with a random girl, and Hannah needs to figure out what Paige is doing.
Back in civilization, Emily and Aria meet up. Emily shares the story about Ali’s potential pregnant death on Ari’s sweet porch. Looks like Emily researched pregnant corpses on WebMD, and now Emily is the master of that medical niche. Aria seems a little skeptical, probably because Aria has been watching a lot of Law &amp; Order while being a boring homebody with her father and knows more than WedMD. Emily heads to the police station to hand over the notebook… where she finds a messy Hannah. Okay. The punky lesbian that bought the drink for Hannah corners our Liar for a dance… until punky lesbian’s punky girlfriend shows up and calls Hannah a “peroxide bitch.” All of these lesbians are exhausting. Hannah was offended (because we all know Hannah), and ended the night with a drink thrown all over her chest. Hot. She was carded after the fight, and then arrested for drinking some gin underage. Again, I’m so happy and I cannot stop laughing. I love Hannah. Hannah is perfect. Hannah in a teenage lesbian bar – I’ve dreamed this dream.
Hannah lies to Emily about her bar intentions, but Hannah doesn’t need to keep hiding her Paige stalking when the two notice a horrifying clue in the station: a picture of Creepy Detective hanging out at Cape May. Could Creepy Detective be Ali’s “Beach Hottie”? Thankfully, PornStarMom rescues Hannah; PornStarMom wonders if Hannah is trying to explore her sexuality, and wonders if the “pink drink” from the bar is “code for something gay.” I’m still laughing! I love PLL! I hope the target audience for this show remotely understands what’s going on! Hannah admits that she was looking for Caleb, but now needs to deal with what’s happening between Paige and this new girl. Interesting.
Spencer has a creepy-text meet-up, where tension builds while Spencer puts on her eye make-up for roughly 45 minutes. Spencer cries, reapplies the make-up, cries, reapplies the make-up, on repeat. Troian is a fantastic actress, as she’s really committing to all of the emotions in her betrayed-by-Toby arc. Spencer meets up with an old and weary bounty hunter/assassin. Spencer hires Boba Fett to find what the A key unlocks, knowing that Toby will eventually lead Boba to the location. Spencer looks great in her red dress, big make-up, messy hair, and sad face. I thought Spencer was turning into a high-end prostitute in the aftermath of Toby, and I’m really glad that she’s not meeting creepy old men in diners for sex. Spencer dramatically rips her picture with Toby in half before handing the image over to Boba, and my heart jumped a little. Bad bitch.
Our episode ends with another couple crumbling: Ezra and Aria. Ezra spoke with Maggie, and understands the choices Aria made… but things clearly aren’t completely okay. Ezra needs space. Aria will have to understand. This couple has seen better days! I hope Ezra still has a lot of his sock drawer cash saved up for his extended stay in the local motel. Ugh, I care about this couple again... While the credits roll, A starts lighting boobleheads of the Liars on fire with a blowtorch. OKAY, A, LET’S TAKE A DEEP BREATH. I’m enjoying the winter side of Season 3 so far, but I hope someone important dies soon and/or I hope this show features a damn flashback that presents a concrete development in the Ali murder. Please please please. That’s all for now – slurp down that pink flirtini or poisoned tea and re-join your Crucible study group.
[Image Credit: Eric McCandless/ABC Family (2)]
More:
The Stars of ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Talk ‘Explosive’ Flashbacks — VIDEO
’Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Spencer Learns a Secret and We Are Sobbing
’Pretty Little Liars’: Keegan Allen and Troian Bellisario on Spencer and Toby’s Big Reveal
You Might Also Like:
20 Hottest Celebrity Bikini Bodies
Joe Biden?! Surprisingly Hot Young Photos of Politicians

OMG U GUYZ THEY R BACK!!! For one night only. The past two seasons, Pretty Little Liars gave us fake Halloween episodes that ultimately really didn’t have anything to do with the rest of the drama. I mean, there was Alison wearing the worst Lady Gaga costume in the history of Lady Gaga costumes. (I would know – I once sang “Pokerface” with a really bad Gaga on Halloween in a West Village McDonald’s for free fries.) This season, we open with Mona in the insane asylum, singing a song probably cut from Sondheim’s Into the Woods because it’s pure horror. Mona is wearing a zipper hoodie, which I think provides 17 potential ways to kill someone and therefore should not be asylum-appropriate attire. Mona is talking about how much she loves Halloween (duh) while painting a papier-mâché head (double duh). She then hands over three pills and three bullets to a masked A creature lurking in the corner – the best Halloween present ever! Trick or treat!
Flash to the Liars, who seem dressed for Halloween already and walking among the densest Halloween decorations in the history of suburbia. There are a lot of fake cobwebs hanging from the trees, which I’m super okay with because that is my favorite holiday decoration. Aria is wearing striped tights, Spencer’s hair is killing it, and Hanna looks like an extra from a club scene in Basic Instinct. No one can see Emily’s body because she’s hiding slash not bringing up the death of Nate. I’m pretending to judge everyone’s look, but really I was squealing because it was so amazing to see these four together and wearing their standard fare. Also, a character that no one has ever mentioned before is dressed up as Skeleton Alison. An example of high class in Rosewood! Cue the newly blood-soaked title cards!
Spencer makes it home and suddenly Garrett is already inside. Ooookay, Garrett, take it easy. Garrett is dropping off flowers for Mariska, but then says a bunch of confusing words that ultimately mean he’s really there to talk with Spencer about something important. Toby enters through the backdoor via apparition, because the Hastings household is basically an open breezeway for the town’s entire teenage population, and Toby promptly kicks Garrett out. Ouch, talk later, bud. Toby’s nose is looking extra flat these days, Spencer calls herself a “modern post-feminist,” and Toby gives Spence another hug where he keeps his eyeballs as creepy as possible behind her back.
Hanna did not make it home, because she went to see Caleb at the hospital; the two are macking in the storage closet, and PLL is suddenly a prequel to Grey’s Anatomy. Remember when that show was good and Izzie wasn’t having sex with a ghost and planes weren’t crashing and Meredith was trying to drown herself during a ferry crisis? Aria also didn’t make it home, as she’s off to Fitz’s apartment. Fitz can’t make the massive Ghost Train party – he has to head to Philadelphia for a big work meeting. Fitz is also giving some creepy eyeballs here and there – does he have secrets? And it does feel like we’re desperately trying to get our girls alone, no? No one knows/cares if Emily makes it home. Oopsie.
Fast-forward to the Ghost Train, and the girls come dressed as movie characters – Hanna is Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch, Aria is Daisy from The Great Gatsby (Aria is rude to Hanna about book vs. movie, and I also very much wish she had picked a character from To Kill A Mockingbird), Spencer is Bonnie to Toby’s Clyde, aaand Emily is Barbarella. Emily as Barbarella is, like, the most amazing thing, only everyone gives her and Paige literally the most unenthusiastic welcome when they walk through the cloud of smoke that seems to be the train’s door. There’s also someone wearing Evil Doll Mask, and Jenna dressed as Trampy Pirate featuring a hilariously awesome eye patch. Does Jenna have balls, or DOES JENNA HAVE BALLS. She could have gone for Elle Drive from Kill Bill, but I’m not in charge.
Meanwhile, at the crazy farm, Mona has escape. Surprise, surprise. As everyone is on the train, only the characters we know make it to the “performance car,” a.k.a. the Adam Lambert show. Adam is dressed as a vampire and vamping as hard as humanly possible, reminding us that he didn’t actually win American Idol. I miss crying over American Idol winners. Hanna is dancing like she is the greatest person in the world (newsflash: she is), and Aria is dancing like she’d rather be literally anywhere else; the two together equals the best dance duo on television. There’s a great shot where we linger on Evil Doll Mask wallflowering in the back corner. There’s also a shadowy Phantom of the Opera-esque figure grabbing Hanna’s butt. Jason appears from the smoke door as James Dean from Rebel Without a Cause, which is a really great look for him. I don’t remember what he talked about because I never remember what Jason talks about.
Adam has been singing for 47 minutes to waste a lot of time in the middle of this episode, which allows Hanna to knee Phantom in the crotch before finding out that Phantom is actually Caleb. They kiss a lot. If you thought Phantom was anyone other than Caleb, do you not understand how to watch this show? Adam is also doing this weird maybe flirting thing with Aria because she is clearly depressed about not having Ezra around; the train is really loud, and Aria has to write ARIA in the window fog so Adam can understand her wonky name and continue to homoflirt. He does not comment on the size of her eyeballs. Next thing we know, some Creepy Sparkly Jester is dropping roofie into Aria’s drink while Emily and Paige kiss forever and ever in the back of the train. So much kissing on this haunted train. I need to visit more trains. There are a lot of homosexual agendas on the Ghost Train.
Evil Doll Mask kidnaps Spencer, and it’s… Garrett! Garrett suddenly reveals that he has always cared about Spencer, which is confusing and kind of funny. Garrett is also talking 93 times faster than his normal slow police talk, so we know to listen up. Garrett tells about the night Ali died: Garrett and Jenna took a shortcut through Ali’s backyard, and accidently ran into Ali; after Ali had a bitchfight with the then-blind Jenna, Garrett pretended to kill her with the field hockey stick. Jenna, being blind, thought Garrett actually did the deed. Garrett also saw Alison and Aria’s Father exchanged clipped word in the yard. Spencer runs to get the other girls so they can also hear Garrett’s story, but Garrett has made it very clear that he only wanted to tell Spencer and then disappear forever…
When Spencer goes to find Aria, we notice that the ARIA in the window fog now only reads… A. Welp, Aria is gone. Spencer gets a text — “Guess who’s not gonna make it to the end of the line” — and the girls realizes that A is 100 percent still alive and well and playing games. Uh oh. I did notice that Spencer has a really nice Halloween-themed background on her cellphone, and I hope that app is not terribly expensive. We see that Aria is trapped in a big-ass crate in the luggage compartment of the train as the girls start to search the full train. I kept getting distracted during all of these scenes because Spencer just looks SO. DAMN. GOOD.
Let’s take a short break from the Ghost Train to award Worst Halloween Sub-Plot in the History of Halloween: Hanna’s Porno Mom and Church Pastor are dressed as Raggedy Ann Hot Nurse and Doctor with Exorcist Vom on His Coat, and have built a creepy fake laboratory in the foyer. I would not let me children step foot inside that house. Whatever. Porno Mom keeps seeing a little girl who is clearly from 1742; the little girl is always talking about her mother, and Porno Mom keeps saying, “Here’s the phone to make a call — wait in this random room of my house and I’ll be back in three hours.” Naturally, the little girl is a ghost (or something) and disappears (or something). The ghost girl is cold and I kept thinking, “Molly/Ashley/Laura… you in danger, girl!” Porno Mom and Pastor Doctor drink some wine and discuss signing on for Paranormal Activity 5. The end. All of these scenes made me wish I was watching the Boy Meets World Halloween Scream parody.
Back on the train, Hanna is frantically telling Caleb that A is around, except there is an imposter pretending to be Caleb. That Phantom mask is sneaky. When Hanna pulls off the Phantom mask, the creepster is wearing a shiny latex mask of Alison’s face, which is possibly the most disturbing image this show was pulled. Bravo. On the other side of the train, Creepy Sparkly Jester is choking Spencer to death till Paige shows up and saves the day by scaring off the Jester and stealing one of the Jester’s long red fake nails. Paige tells Spencer “it was a pleasure” saving her life, which comes off way more pseudo-sexual than BFF giggly. Aria, still trapped in her wood case of emotion, is pulling some Houdini magic while rocking the crate. If Aria watched Kill Bill a few more times and also received soapy Japanese training à la Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke, she could have broken out of the crate with her knuckles. Aria also finds out that she is trapped in the box with Garrett’s dead body. YEP, GARRETT IS DEFINITELY DEAD, so there’s the episode’s big murder. Yikes. Lucy Hale is really fantastic through all of this, because when the Liars finally rescue her crate from falling off the back of the train, Lucy brings the trauma. Garrett’s corpse is scary.
The train is stopped due to, you know, murder, and the Liars realize that A is killing off the little “club” that these boys all belonged to while at Rosewood, the people that were around Alison the night she died. Ezra shows up to embrace Aria, and she can’t believe that she has a beautiful boyfriend, even if they dated illegally for an incredibly long time. Noel Kahn and Toby get in a macho shoving match, and Toby throws Noel against a giant ice tub of sodas that had been taking up the entire train for the entire episode. This tub was really distracting. Seriously, I was so thirsty for a chilled soda. Regardless, Noel breaks the ice tub after one of Toby’s hearty slams AND A BODY BAG SPILLS OUT FROM THE ICE. Party favors for everyone! It looks like Alison’s body bag, which was stolen from her grave at the opening of the season. Jason looks… upset. Mona, back in her insane bed, looks very happy. She has the demented Alison latex mask beneath her bed. Uh OH. 279 points for Team A.
The episode ends with a brief reference to De Palma’s Carrie, which I don’t understand at all. There’s a hand reaching up out of the dirt in Alison’s backyard? Is that Alison’s backyard? Was Alison buried alive? Nothing logical can come from all this, other than the reminder that Stephen King’s Carrie novel does not end with the infamous scene from the movie. I love Carrie so much. Hooray, useless facts! PLL returns in full on Jan. 8th, which feels really far away. This Halloween special was more eventful than normal, but we still got a lot of filler. However, that filler consisted of lame 18th century ghosts and a belting homosexual vampire glam band, so no one is allowed to complain. I’m planning on dressing up as Little Edie this Halloween, so maybe the Liars will invite me out since I’m practically a movie character. Right? Fingers crossed.
[Image Credit: Eric McCandless/ABC Family (2)]
More:
Lucy Hale and Co. Dish on ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Halloween Special: “Someone Will Die”
Pretty Little Liars: The Mystery Will Continue Into Season 4
Pretty Little Liars Summer Finale: The Betrayal
From Our Partners:
Donald Trump Speaks Out on Ripping Kristen Stewart on Twitter, Warns Robert Pattinson: ‘Back Off...She’s Bad News!’ — EXCLUSIVE
(Celebuzz)
Emily VanCamp, Lea Michele, January Jones: Celebrities Who Show Major Cleavage in GQ — GALLERY
(Celebuzz)