The 13 Boys You Should Never Introduce To Your Mother

It’s almost time for Mother’s Day – which means it’s time to dig through your phones and find that one picture you have with her from two years ago, and post in on Instagram as gratitude for the decades of love and affection she’s thrown your way.

Or better, you can just share a part of your life with her, and skip the flowers and the cake (I know you’d eat that too). How about introducing her to the boy instead, maybe over a dinner she cooks for the three of you?

See, what you did there?

In all cases, getting your mom to meet your (hopefully) significant other is a big deal – she’s made most of your big decisions in life, so she can help you make this one too.

He might be the perfect guy you’d bring home on a platter for the mother, or someone who isn’t worth the bother (but you still want to see how it goes), just make sure you avoid taking these thirteen men back home, if you don’t want your mum to give you a disapproving glare the morning after:

The Sycophant

The sycophant is every mother’s wet-dream-come-true. On paper.

He’ll bring her a care package of almond cookies (and a bottle of Monet) when he meets her, and pile her with compliments when he’s not piling her plate with refills of her own cooking – does your hair always look so lovely? Can you please give me the recipe for this spinach casserole? How do you get your roses to bloom so well? Where do you get your gorgeous sarees stitched? Isn’t your son the handsomest? (Yeah, she knows).

She’ll see through his ass licking in a minute, but won’t tell you right away just because she doesn’t want to break your heart. He’ll eventually break your heart, when two months later in the middle of a fight; he’ll tell you he thought her spinach casserole was too salty.

The First One

You are always excited about the first guy you ever date – after countless years of having a one-sided relationship with your right hand, you’ve finally met the One – he’s decently charming, reasonably good looking, and most importantly, seems as invested in this as you are. Seems like a great guy to introduce to mum, no?

Wrong. The first guy you ever date is going to be the first big mistake of your life – he’s going to be rude, awkward and strongly unsuitable in the longer run, which your mom will tell you in as many words when you do make them meet.

Let’s keep it simple. Don’t make introducing him to your mother the second big mistake of your life. Introduce him to your bed instead.

The Pedigree

The pedigree is rich, successful and an encyclopedia of table manners – and like a Tupperware sale, he leaves your mother happy and flustered at the same time. She doesn’t know how to react to him.

What will he eat? Will he judge the throwaway rug? Or the faded love seat? Will he love her chicken roast? What do we talk about? No matter how many times you tell your mother to calm down, she won’t.

And there as you see your mother trying her best to impress the Duke of Delhi with her home baked scones and chamomile tea (in her best china), you’ll see your relationship crack, just like the bone china will one day.

The Chatterbox

Mother wants to talk at the dinner table too, thank you very much.

The Recluse

But at the same time, don’t take back a man who just sits there and lets your mum go on and on and on – about your incessant drinking, your financial woes, your bladder problems from back when you were six, and lastly, your inability to commit.

The Temp

You met Kabir while backpacking across Cambodia. He wears a sarong, bathes thrice a week and peppers his conversations with quotes by the Buddha. As you mother peppers his salad (because he won’t touch anything that has been slaughtered for his plate), she’ll worry that he’s going to go away soon – or worse, take him with you.

The Rule Breaker

It looks like things haven’t changed since the time you were a fifteen-year-old prepubescent teenager. You like the rebel – he’s unorthodox, and smells of motor oil, aftershave and testosterone. Your mother only smells bad news (she doesn’t serve dessert at the dinner table that night, only dirty glares).

On the other hand, when you bring home someone who is too nice, she’ll look at you pitifully and ask you why you aren’t ‘trying harder’. ‘Go live a little,’ she’ll whisper to you encouragingly as Sam eats his pizza with a knife and fork.

Mothers, I tell you. You can never please them.

The Second Hand

He’s been someone’s lover. Someone’s boyfriend. Someone’s husband. Your mother looks at him the same way she looks at the half-priced second hand cane furniture at the antique store.

With distrust, because she thinks he’s probably infested with mites.

The Best Friend

They get along as soon as he walks in through the door. They coo over your baby pictures, solve Sudoku over tea and gush about the best ways to extract aloe vera juice straight from the plant. They’ll eventually meet for secret lunches where they gossip about the crappy Mother’s Day gift you got her last year, over endless glasses of Mimosa and small plates of canapés.

This is one ménage de trois you definitely won’t enjoy.

The Scrooge

While your mother might enjoy giving you the occasional lecture for being a spendthrift (did you really need those clothes? Who spends half their salary on drinks at the bar? Is it important to go for your friend’s bachelor trip to Bangkok? Who would have known lobster risotto can cost so much?), she wouldn’t like you spending the rest of your life with a Scrooge.

From your PlayStation to those Italian loafers she got you for your last birthday, she’s spoiled you with some of the best things in life. And she’d want your future plus one to do the same.

And if it means the Cartier bracelet for her big 75th, why not? She can only hope.

The ex

You’ll want to show your mother that you are mature enough to be friends with the ex, but she’ll know that you are probably hooking up with him the very same night.

She’ll give you a box of condoms as a parting gift the night of, and a stern lecture the morning after.

The Rebound

She won’t tell you it’s too soon, but she will roll her eyes as you gush about how perfect he (and his timing) is. When you do get him over to meet her, she’ll be polite and warm, but won’t make any efforts to remember his name or what he does.

When you start talking about your sister’s wedding over tea, an invitation will be avoided, and so will his eyes. She’ll call your ex the same night (the one that she gets along with) and tell him how you are spiralling without him. He’ll reconsider your breakup, and call you the very next morning.

You’ll eventually get back together with him, and live happily ever after. The mother will celebrate over a glass of wine (but she’ll never tell anyone she was the one who pulled the strings).