Son: Probably like…ten years ago. I remember! You sat me down one night. I was probably like seven or ten or something.

Dad: That math tutor sure was worth it.

Son: You said, “Ahem, well, uh…listen son. I want to do things differently…If you ever hear me begin to say ‘Because I said so’ you gotta just slap me and remind me how much I hated hearing it growing up.”

Dad: That voice…that was supposed to be what I sound like?

Son: Seriously though.
Dad: I am serious. I need you to do it…now. Soon. Your mother will be here any time.

Son: And that’s my problem because…

Dad: C’mon, man. I can’t do this right now. You’re almost a grown man. It’s time to start taking…

Son: Care of myself. Yeah. I get it. You and Mom are ready for me to be out.

Dad: Well, you’ve already finished one year of coll–

Son: Save it, Dad! I know!

Dad: Whoa! What’s with that shit?

Son: I’ll do it! I mean…Jesus! Why does it matter so much?
Dad: It just does. I guess you’ll…

Son: Oh shit…lemme guess. understand better when I’m a father?

Dad: I, uh..wasn’t going to say that.

Son: Right.

Dad: Okay, fine. Just…please do it. Like I said, she’ll be here soon.

Son: Have you always been afraid of her?

Dad: What did you just say?

Son: I said, ‘Have you always been afraid of her?’

Dad: What the fuck, man?

Son: Touch a nerve?
Dad: I’m about to…

Son: Hey!

Dad: College is changing you, son. In ways I didn’t expect.

Son: Wait. Come back. Dad!

Dad: What.

Son: I’ m sorry. That was…out of line, I guess.

Dad: Oh, you guess?
Son: It was. I’m sorry.

Dad: I’m…sorry too.

Son: What do you have to be sorry fo?. I deserved it.

Dad: No. You really didn’t. Not now. Defnitely not when you were younger.
Son: I’d…actually disagree. It made me who I am.

Dad: But you gotta understand, son. It’s not something dads want at the top of their parenting resume.

Son: What’s the big deal? You spanked your kids when they acted up. Who doesn’t do that?

Dad: Well, your mother for one.

Son: I meant dads.

Dad: Well…mine didn’t.

Son: But he wasn’t in your life.

Dad: Uh-huh.

Son: Okay. Here’s my thing. I mean, kids are going to test you. Shit, Dad. I just did not two seconds ago. At least when they’re a certain age, you gotta set ‘em straight, right?

Dad: Can I sit on that thing?

Son: What, the bookshelf?

Dad: No. That?

Son: Oh. Sure. Lemme just….here ya go.

Dad: Thanks. Huh. More comfy than I woulda imagined.

Son: We got it worn in this past year, my roommate and I.

Dad: I’d say so. Wait.

Son: What?

Dad: Um…did you, ya know…with anyone on this?

Son: Um…

Dad: I’ll get a chair.

Son: Sorry, Dad.

Dad: It’s fine. Glad I asked, at least.

Son: Why don’t we just go get some coffee.

Dad: That’d be nice…except you didn’t do what I came in here for in the first place.

Son: Shit. Okay. I’m willing to do it.

Dad: That’s remarkable.

Son: Okay, okay. I get it.

Dad: Do you?
Son: Ha! Not really. But I feel guilty now. You know…your back, or whatever.

Dad: Just don’t be in a rush to get older, son.

Son: You kiddin’? I’m never gettin’ old.

Dad: Don’t let your mother hear you say that.

Son: Ugh…she takes everything I say the wrong way.
Dad: Son…she’s a mother. She just cares.

Son: I know, Dad. I know. But I’ll bet she only tells you part of the story.

Dad: Are you suggesting that your mother would not be completely open with me?

Son: What? What’s that mean?

Dad: I was just being a dick.

Son: Ha!

Dad: Okay. I’m gonna get a chair. I’d prefer not to sit on that bed…for obvious reasons. In the meantime, please do it. Begin it. Do something to exhibit you heard her earlier and want to make her happy. She likes that.

Son: Being happy?

Dad: You know what I mean.

Son: Okay….Dad! Don’t!!

Dad: Why’d that happen?

Son: I forgot those were there.

Dad: You couldn’t even finish it?

Son: Shit. I forgot I put it down last night.

Dad: Now we’re both in it. She’s going to get here any second and we’ll be sopping up warm beer off that new carpet.