'I think of nothing but love. The continual amusement I derive from intellectual pursuits, for which I am always being reproached as if it were a crime, finds its very justification in this singular and unceasing taste for love. For me there is no idea that is not eclipsed by love.If it were up to me, everything opposed to love would be abolished. That is roughly what I mean when I claim to be an anarchist.'- Louis Aragon (1924)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

After the storm

Crooning on my STEREO: Don't Speak by NO DOUBT

It is 6:30 AM on a Saturday.

And I haven't slept. Even though I am exhausted. Well, I kind of did for about 2 hours till I woke up at 2 am and I am just unable to will myself back to sleep. I tried counting sheep. I tried reading Pushkin. I surfed German TV. I am tempted to do laps but the pool is not open.

And so I blog. It is my way of dealing with this. I live alone in a flat. I often imagined him and the other girl, and how they were together on halloween night just the day before I arrived happily in Rome to meet him for the first time in 6 months. Then I imagined how they went to the movies the day after I left Perugia as a carefree girl full of hope.

As I said, it is not easy. I have had it very tough the past week.

And I thought that only death could bring me this much sorrow. Sometimes I wish I could kid about this.

I must admit that I listened to "From the Bottom of my Broken Heart" on loop.

Well, if Britney can bounce back from the slumps and now looking so bloody hot in her vid, I guess I CAN!

ok, ignore the bit above. You might use it to inciminate me :) Grow up, people.

Things happen for a reason. Though I am on the brink of emotional death, what amazes me is the amount of friends and support who turned up at the very first sign of help. Yes, Facebook. And Yes, right here on my blog.

Because I would never have the guts to call anyone and cry. I am an introvert. I could try but I even lack the strength to, even, talk. I just cry, and cry, and cry.

I received calls, notes and messages of encouragement from so many people near and far. And although I am unable to respond, I have read each and every single one of them during my sleepless 3 nights. They all touched me in different ways, and I will always remember who you are. I want to thank each and everyone of you for being there, because your words give me strength to take baby steps to move on.

When dealing with grief, I used to be very afraid of myself because there were times that I couldn't control myself. But this time, with all the support I had, I refrained from my usual habit of hurting myself. Technically you all saved my life.

And I do not regret posting the lurid details on my phone conversation with Gio on this blog. Yes, it is blatant. And yes, it could be embarrassing. And yes it can be so tabloid.

But it is real.

I cannot deny the truth though I wish I could. The only lie is the fact that I have never cheated on him though I claimed to do so in my final words to him. This is the least you can do to gain a little credibility from the biggest betrayal.

Pursuant to that blatant post, many were able to empathize with the extent of the hurt. It also prompted several friends who wrote to me, and shared their personal experiences. Even though I didn't feel alone, It is somewhat sad for me to know that there are so many good people who have been betrayed in some way of the other.

But the best part of all is that the post had also reached out to those who are also going through the same pain in silence. As a result i have become very protective of these people, and of my own feelings.

All I can say is that NOBODY deserves to go through this painful end. Not even Gio for what he did to me. Yes, he may be a prick, but I just want him to painfully regret losing me for all his life.

My message to everyone out there is this: Protect your feelings. Love yourself AND others. Never cheat on your loved ones. And if you fall out of love, TELL THEM. Don't ever betray them.

5 comments:

I am happy to see that you see tru that passage....it is a real pain that somehow, we have to go tru a pain like this sometime in our lifes. Yes, it is not fair! and it sure changes us after having painful situations like this. It is a good manner for you to relief your feelings ( writting, crying...) all you need now is the support of your friends and walk on...get up,and walk...even if they are baby steps, that will do at first! :-)I really admire you for how you are dealing with this all, i was about to hit depression really deep when i was hurted. I was in a new place, with barely no friends and away from my family. But all of the suddent, taking baby steps, i saw the light! i started to meet new people, going out and enjoying, living again my life! and i was so happy to have a life back again! and i swore to myself i'll never go tru to what i went, but i did again ( it was less painful, i was more aware of things and knew how to cope).YOU are so beautiful, you are adorable, you are smart, YOU ARE STRONG, you are damn hot and funny!! and you have all your life to enjoy! so go on, and show the world who you are!!! YOU CAN!!!! and i LOVE YOU LOADS BABE!! besos!!!

my dearest Carol, you have been with me from the beginning of the relationship to the end of it. You called me when you sensed that things were not ok. thanks so much for being there babes.. I am so blessed to have friends like you. They keep me alive :)

I am so sorry that you had to go through the same. I see you as an inspiration because you are strong, beautiful, attractive and have the immense love for live. And i hope the same heartache will never occur to you again, because you deserve happiness! Likewise I will take inspiration from you that I will not allow this betrayal to happen to me nor to the ones I love. And Carol, we have got each other, our family, our friends and Bob Sinclar !!! :)

Yes We Can, Carol!!! And I am DEFINITELY coming to visit you, because I have a meeting in Madrid in January so I am hope to come by Malaga :) I will regain my life!! xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Jolene, thanks you are so sweet. I notice you have been there throughout this phase, supporting and encouraging me:) I really appreciate it and likewise I hope I can be there for you too. big hugs to you dear.. I will bounce back and move on :) hugs