Month: December 2015

I am so thankful to people who like my blog. Seriously, it puts me in cloud 9. Christmas was pretty awesome this year. Me and my friends hanged out. Went to the local bakery and ate cup cakes. Ate a lot of street food and cheese burst pizza. I know, it was too much but it felt so right.

The mini cup cake tasted the best

The lollipop tree

I just met someone who is a mother of two and she wants to go back to build her career up. She moved in the city to pursue her dream job search. I am sure it must be tough for her. I wonder what her children are going through. However, I am glad that she has taken the first step. It is important for any woman, anywhere in the world, to build her career, be it small or big. I remember when I left my first job and went home, I did nothing but sit and watch TV all day long. I soon learnt that leaving my job was the worst decision. Then it a took a lot of slapping to wake me up. The moment I woke up, I left home for good. I do not have a great job today, but I am not dependent on anyone and I would like to keep it this way as far as I can. I am struggling with my career but the most important thing is to keep going. DO NOT STOP. I do not want any ass to rub their ego-fed asses on my face. Ever.

Anyway, I am going to cook Khichdi for dinner. Got all the ingredients from a local market nearby. You always get fresh green vegetables in the local market here. Mostly people like to make Khichdi with a lot of spices but I like it simple. I like simple food in general. So, I am off to the kitchen, hopefully I won’t burn the apartment down. If everything goes well, I will post a pic.

I had just been scolded for not being on the top ten in my class. I was 12 years old. She was angry. Very very angry. I saw the anger, the hurt, the hopelessness in her eyes. I had tutors, still I could not be on the top ten. I sat on my bed, beside the window, looked at the trees, listened to the hush of cars passing by on the road that connects the Airport to the main city and felt hollow. Tears rolled down my cheek, warm and salty. I had never felt this way before.

What have you done? You don’t deserve the new dress that you wanted. Your friends will laugh at you. They will laugh behind you. No teachers will like you. What will you say to your aunt when she visits? Would she not scold you more? I do not deserve any happiness until I clear this mess up. I thought.

Over the years, since that afternoon, somehow the fear of failure has become stronger than my determination to win. I have tried and failed. I have gone into a shell. I do not dare come out. Sleep. Sleep on it. Dream. Dreams can make you feel better for a while. Sleep will take the pain of facing the reality. Feeling dissatisfied because you are procrastinating? Eat. Chocolates and other comfort food. Watch a lot of TV. Watch the cartoons and fall asleep.

But it doesn’t stop there. I had to have fun too. I had to be the “cool” girl. Hide your true feelings and put on a smile on your face. Hang out with musician friends. No body wants to hear your sad stories. Who wants to hang out with a boring girl? So, I was the popular girl. Singing in the college band, doing well in my class, hanging out with super talented girls and boys. Not once could they guess what was happening inside me. What I have gone through. Why should they? Why should they think about an arrogant, proud, selfish girl?

I am depressed one day. I am super happy the other day.

Tell me two faced creature what’s happening?

This day, when I am writing this post, I know what is/was happening. How can it be cured, I know. But it is very tough. It is tough to stop the grey clouds from covering me and stopping them from whispering their ill thoughts into my mind. It is tough to know whether I am truly happy or whether this is my mind playing tricks on me. They say that you can control your mind, but all I to do is try to control the whole world around me.

Believe me, I want to be successful in life as much as any other person. I know that probably I have to put in more effort than many of you. Others, like me, I know what it is to have a talking mind. Uncontrollable mind.

Not feeling very good right now, maybe it’s viral fever. Still I am writing this to let you all know that I need/want a friend. I need someone to talk to about everything. I don’t want to think twice before I say anything to that friend. I should be able to say what I am actually feeling or thinking. For a Gemini girl, to hold up feelings inside is tough. I think I am falling sick because I have no one to talk to about them.

Day before yesterday I started writing my About Page and I found myself unable to say anything about me.

I am a lost soul in a fish bowl

I wrote few lines and then deleted them. I could not decide what to write, how much to write. I just couldn’t start. Who am I? Looks like I don’t know the girl I see everyday in the mirror. Have I become someone I never wanted to be. That’s another story.

So, I was going through few Business Schools’ websites to start applying. I dared myself and searched HBS Application Deadline. After checking whether I will be at least eligible to apply there, I saw a tab called ESSAY. Now, apart from GMAT score, the essays and recommendations matter a lot and unfortunately I have been always scared of writing essays for academic purposes.

Here is how my fine arts teacher taught me to draw a little bird. Like any other child, I kept drawing this on the walls and doors, even on my school note books! I also drew a duck everywhere that my mom taught me to draw. I will put that up here later.

Let me know what you think.

If you like this, try it your self and/or teach it to someone and post the pics here or tag me to your post.

A small humble black and white TV with two channels. A small house where me and my mom cuddled and played and studied. The back yard, full of home grown vegetables and flower plants. The mixed smell of fog, dew and useful and useless plants. Beyond the backyard, idly laid the vast rice field. Golden during summers, swaying from side to side making a soothing hushhh noise,as the hot summer wind blew over them.

Ahh..I drifted away from the TV. Yeah, so we could watch TV only on Sundays and on occasions. We are not Christians or Muslims. We still enjoy Christmas, New Years, Muhorram and Eid holidays. So, my mum took me to a far away land to get a vanilla frosted cake for Christmas. She walked so fast that I literally jogged my way to and from everywhere that she took me to, holding my hand. She cooked chicken (also a special menu that we only got to eat on Sundays and on occasions) and we watched the TV together. I clearly do not remember what we watched because my brain was tired thinking about when I could get a piece of that beautiful cake!

“Ma, when will we eat the cake?”

“Its not 12 a.m yet, we should wait till it is 25th December, Jesus Christ’s birthday.”

Hmmm…I thought..we never eat our birthday cakes at 12 a.m!

The wait finally ended and she brought the cake. The beautiful white vanilla frosting, with little green sprinkles. She gave me a piece and said, “Merry Christmas”

20 years later, I wondered why we have been celebrating Christmas so, I called her up.

“Hello, Ma, well…why do we celebrate Christmas?”

“Hmm…your Grandfather was a lawyer, as you know, and many of his clients were Christians, some of them were friends with your Grandfather. During Christmas, they gave him baskets full of Plum Cakes and Oranges. It was kind of a happy time for us, as at that time, eating cake was a luxury. And there was a church right in front of our house…”

“Yeah, I remember that.”

“Yes and we studied in a convent, where we celebrated Christmas. We decorated Christmas trees and sang Christmas carols. As you guys were young and in winters we had nothing to look forward to, I thought why not celebrate Christmas.”

Kolkata in December is my kind of place to visit. The weather is not hot and humid, as usually it is. Park Street and Esplanade is decorated with small neon lights. India’s one of the oldest bakery in Park Street is attacked by cake-lovers like zombies going crazy to bite on a healthy human being. No cars are allowed after 6 pm on Park Street on Christmas Eve. People walk and talk, hold hands with their friends or lovers. You can hear Christmas carols everywhere. People are just happy.

As Kolkata used to be the capital of India during British rule, there are many churches to visit, built by the Britishers. The high arches and the sound of the choir resonating on the beautiful paintings on the walls and ceiling and then striking your ear drum , is bound to take you to a different era. It gives an insight about how/why Bengal’s people were influenced by the glamorous life-style of the British people.

Apart from Park Street’s high blitz, there are lot of fairs to visit. Kolkata’s Book fair is the largest book fair in the world. You can go to the Tech expo or Textile expo, flower shows or circuses. Just take a bus on a foggy afternoon and roam around the city. You will know what I am talking about. I am not a fan of my city, but this time of the year is the best time to visit Kolkata. If you want a quiet time, you can take a walk along Ganges or take a ferry to an unknown destination. You will immediately notice the difference between the humdrum of a city and a small reclined town on the other side of the river.

As always, this time too she will cook chicken and decorate the Christmas tree and probably have Plum cake. Visit Park Street or go to a fair nearby. Or maybe, she will just watch TV.

Are we slow dancing in the burning room? Or would you come back from the war to me? Would you not take the other road? Do you think of taking the other road, in the middle of the woods? The road that many have taken.

Say something, I don’t want to give up on you. I stumble and fall and I drag you along. Make your life miserable.