Why live past 40?

Why live past 40 in the first place? What does living past 40 get you? I’ll tell you what you get. You get all sorts of diseases, a big chance of acquiring some sort of cancer, mid-life crisis, regrets and disappointments, stress-filled environments, a body that barely functions as it used to, and the stark realization that you are no longer young. That and the fact that you begin to count the number of years you yet to have before you actually die.

Now you must be wondering why on Earth am I saying shit like this. I just turned 23 and here I am wanting to die already. Well first off, this isn’t shit. This is what I actually plan on doing. And when you actually plan on doing something, regardless of how shitty it is, it ain’t shit. Those who plan to live past 40 must be having the time of their lives: Successful, probably finished the degree of their choice, rich by family background, and probably has someone on the side as a life partner.

I don’t. In fact, I have the exact opposite of those who want to live past 40. I’m a complete and utter failure, I didn’t like the choice I was given in college, no way am I brought up by rich folks, and I haven’t a woman with me nor do I think I will ever. To add, I’m not smart, I’m not talented, heck, I’m practically stuck with simply having an amazing brain that conjures up these weird ideas and imaginative scenarios which will most likely not happen in real life.

I’m simply mad. Mad about how the world didn’t turn out to be so pretty and fun and relaxing the way I thought it would ultimately would after college. I’m mad at how society dictates the exact opposite of how things are supposed to be in an ideal status quo. I hate the fact that I realized life isn’t like those you see in TV shows or movies. Hell, it’s fucking far from that. Reality is as cruel as drops of frozen acid on the exposed skin on your back, in which just when you thought the pain couldn’t get any much worse, the ice melts and the acid seeps in the wound and your cries of pain go unheard. Yes, that is how I see reality now. Friends back in the office would often question my decision and their expressions aren’t short of bafflement or extreme shock. I told them this and they gave me the positive outlook speech. Bullshit. Just bull fucking shit.

Why do people aspire to live past 40 anyway? Why do people aspire to live long in the first place? Don’t they have eyes that can see the way the world’s turned out to be? Don’t they have ears that hear hatred and cries of mercy? Don’t their nose smell the rotting flesh of the deprived? Don’t they feel how the world is slowly becoming unfit to live in? Don’t they taste the despair humanity has made for itself?

I’ve planned my whole life and nothing good came out of that. Everything you don’t expect to happen will happen and those you want to happen never does. I started hating my job, I started hating people in the office, I started getting tired of being enthusiastic, and I started getting tired of showing a hint of a smile or the usual boisterous laughter. I got tired of it all. When you live a life like this, what is there to live for? Do you still live because you want to or do you simply live because people expect you to? And if you do live because of the expectations of others, then what purpose does living serve you?

What happens when your friends turn their backs on you? What happens when your job just keeps on getting harder and harder and the salary increase isn’t even remotely enough to compensate for the stress you get and the life you waste? What will happen to you? Will you simply tough it out ’til you give in or will you fight back? Would you quit?

I’m 23 now and I feel as if I can die anytime my thread gets cut. I often find myself wishing lightning would strike me or how a random knife would find itself lodged in between my ribs and into my heart. I go to work hoping wanting to go back home, I watch movies during lunchtime so I can escape reality, I pretend to never be sad so people wouldn’t ask me “what’s wrong”, I wake up everyday hoping to find a break but I never do. And I probably never will. Hence my decision to not live past 40. Hence my declaration that I can die anytime and I’d smile and accept it with an open heart.