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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

ugh... american idol... and a milkshake...i'd like to forget about him. i don't even want to talk about my feelings anymore.i don't think i have any sometimes... not real ones anyways.i'd like to.i'd like to be like all the rest of the stupid bitchesi'm a stupid bitch sometimesbut not like youor you...i think i'm the worst kind of stupid bitch there is... it consumes me at the worst times... like in the middle of american idol.. and a milkshake.i could be a stupid bitch like you... again...i could jump beds and bodies..and show my cunt to the world...you'd like my cunt wouldn't you ? ???...ha...if i only could be that way againI'd fuck them allI'd fuck them with graceI'd fuck them hard overand in between all the fucks I'd sit back and laugh...

last night i waited at the bus stopjust to see that i was right.and he is what he is

just as much of a liar as i am... if not more.

i think more...he only hides it better than i do.he hides it well.he believe it well..and i don't really care anymore...

i just wanted the satisfaction of knowing that he's just as much of a piece of shitas he says i am.

in you roomon your bedi am driven to writein the early hours of morningi find myself in love with youyou sit in the chair that sits betweenyour desk and meyou dig through your many tapes of sound art and soula record of time and creationyou shuffle through the collected pieces of youyou startpress play/ stop/fast foward/ playstop turn overplay once more.i can't help but watch and enjoyas you enjoy remember excitei listen as you shuffle throughPLAYstop play....... NOISEa sound attack in the very best waythe sound of the devil and god leap out from the tiny speaker of your ancient machine.i can feel your firei am so in love with you--- ...yes but something about you and usand we - leaves me uneasya feeling i can't seem to shakefeeling with and without at the same timei listen to your songsand continue to writepen and paper and breath is all i got right now

Here in some stranger's roomLate in the afternoonWhat am I doing here at all?Ain't no doubt about itI'm losing youI'm losing you

Somehow the wires got crossedCommunication's lostCan't even get you on the telephoneJust got to shout about itI'm losing youI'm losing you

Well, here in the valley of indecisionI don't know what to doI feel you slipping awayI feel you slipping awayI'm losing youI'm losing you

Well now, you say you're not getting enoughBut I remind you of all that bad, bad, bad stuffSo what the hell am I supposed to do?Just put a bandaid on it?And stop the bleeding nowStop the bleeding now

I'm losing youI'm losing youWell, well, well

I know I hurt you thenBut hell, that was way back whenWell, do you still have to carry that cross? (drop it)Don't want to hear about itI'm losing youI'm losing youDon't want to lose you nowWelllllllll!So long ago

Monday, June 01, 2009

i don't ever want to feel like this again.ugh....i just don't know how to be a personi don't like the feel of my skini don't like the sound of my voiceor what comes out.it's not natural.it's not really me. in me there's so much love.but i don't love myself. i don't know how to love myself.i hate myself inside.and i'm slipping again... like before.i didn't learn a thing.i'm just so stupid...i feel so used.all that i can do is walk away right now.and stay away this time for good.