I crossed my legs but there was a flood
Blushing red I hope folks understood
But my waters had burst
And the baby's my first
Guess I'm ready to start motherhood!
NOT FOR CONTEST
WRITTEN on 27TH August 2016 BY JAN ALLISON
My babe arrived as hungry as a horse
As a good mother, I fed him, of course
When my breasts began to fill
Another flood was about to spill
Until my child suckled with great force.
WRITTEN ON 08/27/16 BY LIN LANE
The first twelve months went mighty quick
Time flying by lickity split
Crawls out of bed
Sits on mom's head
A young fireman squirting his stick
WRITTEN 08/27/16 BY TIM SMITH
Hay, thought I heard another sound of thunder roar
Eeh gad, seems to be another two babies more
They all have lots of hair
Mother-in-law beware
Now I am having triplets let me out the door
WRITTEN 08/27/16 BY EVE T M C
He was born without a suntan
And didn’t favor the milk man
Birthed on a polar bear rug
Full beard on his tiny mug
Holding a harpoon like Tarzan!
WRITTEN BY SONNY ROPER 8/27/2016
Oh my! What will people think?
My baby doesn’t favor his dad’s wink
I can always claim in shame
He favors my grandma’s frame
On my mother’s side is large and pink
WRITTEN BY EVE ROPER 8/27/2016
One baby after another
I sure am a busy mother
I cross my knees
Whenever I sneeze
Out one end or the other!
WRITTEN BY CASARAH NANCE
It’s all my darn uterus’s fault,
Can’t bring my crying to a halt,
No more sex with my hubby,
I’m just too tired and chubby,
This babe’s an exhausting result!
Ice came out sucking a pacifier,
Posted sign, “Eskimo nanny for hire!”,
But when warm milk is felt,
Baby started to melt,
Naughty nanny immediately fired!
The ice came out with a binky,
And a diaper pretty stinky!
Eskimo baby is she,
Could it even be a he?
It’s too frozen and all wrinkly!
ALL WRITTEN BY LAURA LOO
One by one they came out, midwife slapped 'em
and into the cradle she packed 'em
father blew candle out
and exclaimed with a shout
" Just like moths, it's the light that attracts 'em!"
WRITTEN BY VIV WIGLEY
Making babies was so much fun
Now my boobies reach to my tum
I can't even sneeze or cough
It set's my weak bladder off..
I'd better stick to coke and rum
WRITTEN BY SEREN ROBERTSAWARDED POEM OF THE WEEK ON 28TH AUGUST - THE HONOUR IS SHARED BY US ALL.SPECIAL THANKS TO LIN LANE FOR STARTING THE COLLABORATION
I'm feeling like a slot machine
My wheels stopped on three tangerines
Babies falling like rain
It's no longer a strain
That last one looks just like my spleen
WRITTEN BY DANIEL TURNER
I thought I was going to have two
But now I don't even have a clue
It feels like maybe four
I can't take it no more
I have five months to go til I'm due
WRITTEN BY ALEXIS Y
I was rushed to the hospital gate
not yet due, but I just couldn't wait
labor's water broke through
elevator broke too
flooded stairwells to room did create!
WRITTEN BY SANDRA HAIGHT

Too many hurricanes are causing havoc this season We might as well have a limerick collaboration about them since they seem to be in the news Please join in by sending me your limerick in a soup mail or email.
Hurricane Maria is the latest ole windbag
She'll huff and puff till her eye walls sag
She's blowin' in the tropics
Catastrophic among topics
Heed the warning of that hoisted red flag
by: Lin Lane
I’ve heard Maria’s cooking up a storm
Pack your bags and head where it’s warm
She’ll cause such destruction
Which will lead to disruption
These old wind bags, they never conform!
These hurricanes really don’t care
Tossing houses right into the air
They’re a bane in our life
Like an old nagging wife
It's no wonder that folks cus and swear!
by: Jan Allison
Oh Maria I hope you just fizzle out
You're so full of wind with a nagging spout
Hurry and disappear
Blow on out of here
We're tired of that same old raspy shout
by: Tim Smith
Oh Maria, we have had enough
We don't want to see you puff
We don't want to stress
Or clean up your mess!
Just weaken, and stop acting tough!
by: Heidi Sands
Oh bad Maria, you have gotten so volatile
Blow yourself out and make people smile
Or maybe there's a chance
Another name you'll enhance
Hurricane Madness sounds very erstwhile
by: Seren Roberts
Cinder's sits on the toilet in fear
Of the ugly sisters to appear
Irma arrives there first
Maria next to burst
gave cinder's chronic diarrhea
by: Roy Pett

I once knew a poet named Jan
She writes when sitting on the can
Some people here at soup
Think her poems are poop
Not everyone is a Jan fan!
Contest: Sensitive Community
Sponsor Skat (but a PD contest)
02~24~16

He went the way of a sickly pigeon,
and dropped his nasty load on religion.
The evil ones hailed him,
power they availed him,
which increased his vanity a smidgeon
He declared himself the messiah,
From the depths of earthen hell fire,
The people believed him,
almighty pride seized him,
now he’s forcing God to retire.
You see there’s only room for one master,
to be God is what evil is after,
As enticing as it looks,
he and his cronies and crooks,
are setting the world up for disaster.
We Christians who always vote by rote,
keeping the Truths of our faith in a tote,
it’s we that keep evil in power,
We’ll know that in our last hour,
Right after we get thrown from the Boat.
Author's note:
I read that in the last presidential election, 57% of Christians
voted for the present administration which is currently in the midst of
of taking away their rights to conciencious objectionality and religious freedom
where the killing of babies ("abortion" for those of you who are still in la la land)
and the financial obligation for it is concerned
It is now desired by the present administration that Christians too pay for this
murderous and horrific agenda.
To the 57% of Christians who voted for the current administration: you got your choice
Are congratulations in order?
-Robert ADufresne

Brother told us sometimes that he peed
sitting down with a good book to read,
but with his ding-a-ling
he was having a fling
when we spied on him Good book indeed!
Written 5/20/14 for Roy Jerden's Bawdy, Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy Limerick Contest
By the way, from comments I am getting, I need to let everyone know this is simply a fabricationMy brother told us nothing, and we never spied on himAnd our small bathroom shared by ten people would not have suited this purpose! hahaha

A cousin named Chaos have I (he’s not actually my cousinHe’s like my aunt’s stepson, but I guess I can still call him a cousin, right?)
There’s nothing that he will not try (like the day he let all the chickens loose from the coop and they were running like chickens with their heads cut offIsn’t that an expression or something? Chaos is crazy like those chickens were)
Since he follows no rule (He laughs at me because I try to write perfectly metered limericks and he thinks everyone should just write free and BE free in all they do.)
He got kicked out of school (it was so funnyHe set off the fire alarm and all the kids were running every which way, much like those chickens he let loose in his barnyardNow he is saying he wants to become an anarchist.)
So to anarchy school he’ll apply!
Gosh, he’s rightThis limerick sucksIt’s much more fun having no restrictions, just letting my thoughts go anywhere I want them to take me, kind of like stream of consciousness writing or somethingToo bad I can’t be all surreal-like, then I might make it into the newfangled modern poetry magazinesMost people don’t even consider limericks to be real poemsDANG it, I feel another one coming on.
Cousin Chaos, I now do hear tell
That you’ve found a new school, so learn well
Your anarchy ways.
In limerick phase
I’ll be stuck while you give people hell.
CrapEven trying to write like Chaos, I just can’t do itI just keep conforming to rules of poetry forms like limerickI just know my cousin will be laughing his chicken head off when he reads thisYeah, the old chicken motif againAlways relating things togetherSo much for Chaos! I’m outta here.
Written chaotically last week sometime for contest of same name

The concept of gays in a marriage
One side loves and one will disparage
But rule supreme court
And one side must retort
Justice just had a miscarriage
Author's note: Regardless of the outcome from the supreme court, I happen to favor gay marriage There really is no other conclusion since we are a land of equal rights We should do all we can to foster a society without discrimination The arguments against these rights reveal a lot about certain people of religious persuasion It would be comical if it were not so sad.

I'm an Ultra Quiet with a whir
Frigidaire 24” Built-In White Dishwasher
Energy saver
With hot and cold stir
Oh yes they do make a dishwasher
I’m getting so old they just don't know
They think I can do the job like a pro
Baskets are crumbling
Rust on everything
I'm ready to blow and overflow
Naive people believe what labels sell
They use a lemon scent liquid gel
States; “No" pre-washing
Leaves dishes sparkling
All lies, it makes the dishes look like hell
They have hard water in their home
So the liquid soap makes no foam
Barnacles have formed
Heating elements deformed
I'm tired of their complaints when they get home
I'm an Ultra Quiet with a snore
Frigidaire 24” Built-In White Dishwasher
Energy saver
No, not any more
Oh yes, they do need a new dishwasher
9/22/2015
Contest Name: A Tribute to a Major Appliance
Sponsor: Mary Oliver Rotman

Flossie the Floozy
At night Flossie often went cruising.
With men, she went way beyond schmoozing.
So freely she bed-hopped;
then one day her fun stopped.
How'd she get the clap? So confusing!
Promiscuous people are daring!
While lovin' free, they may be sharing
more than they intended;
and then, to be mended,
they must have long-term doctor's caring.
Clap--gonorrhea
April 27, 2017

Have you ever heard tales of the weirdest things
Autumn leaves that fall in the midst of Spring
creepy two-headed toads
cats who sit on a commode
Devilish people pretending to have angel wings
Dogs that bark but sound more like mewing cats
In bright sunlight flying, a flock of Vampire bats
How many can you name
It's just a guessing game
Some things in life are so bizarre and that's that
written by Lin Lane
I wrote about saying goodbye
Some rejoiced, yet others did cry
It got poem of the day
Did it deserve it – no way!
I’ll be quiet when I say bye bye
written by Jan Allison
A rat getting burned for a slice of cheese
one legged dancer doing a striptease
the absurd, the aloof
snakes crawling on a roof
penthouse living with someone else's keys
written by Tim Smith
I'm not allowed to pet the cat
when I do he has a spat
leaving a mess
Without distress
He puts it all on the mat
written by Russell Sivey

There once was a crusty old hag
whose poetry made people gag.
She once wrote a sonnet,
the folks threw up on it
and tossed it away in a bag.
She went to a psychic who said,
while turning up cards black and red,
“I can see why they gripe,
just stop writing this tripe.
Have you thought of knitting instead?”

My hubby just fell out of bed
He banged his elbow and his head
Now I can hear groaning
Expletives and moaning
I’m certain that he isn’t dead!
Only the first line is true – last night we watched a programme on how easily people lie but on this occasion I would call this poetic licence
10/10/18

There once was a bully named Jim.
He made people cry on a whim.
He was big, bad and mean
And had a name-calling machine,
because he was not very smart, this man, Jim.
There once was a bully named Thad.
He called names and pulled hair, when mad.
We made him our pal,
And he said, "you guys are a wow!"
And he changed his whole attitude and was glad.
There once was a bully named Day.
He did everything to keep people away.
We ignored his bad side,
which he soon learned to hide.
Our new friend, who now liked to play.

There are people that imagine it never gets warm
Way up in Canada where cold weather's the norm
In July we unzip our fur-lined parkas
While carving away on a newly killed carcass
Then on to our dog sled through an another snowy storm
LOL

Most balls people pitch, roll, or fling.
They kick them or strike them with zing.
But for lazy old me
I like tirelessly
to stand, flick my wrist and go “ping!”
For Joseph Soper's the Sports Shorts Poetry Contest

There once was a serial killer
His life was one sickening thriller
From the bodies he’d saves
And the ones in the graves
His life was one bloody chiller
Tho his mental state wasn’t quite normal
And his social skills never that formal
He loved people to pieces
Even after life ceases
With dead bodies he does like to dabble
Now that sounds rather creepy you say
That killing is how one spends his day
While it’s not quite a profession
More like an obsession
In the end they’ll come take him away

Last night as I lay in my bed
An angel appeared and said
Your life will soon end
I am sent as a friend
To a new kingdom soon you will be led
Say goodbye to all those you hold dear
Tell all they must not shed a tear
For your passing will be
Liberating and free
With my lead you will not have fear
In life you have suffered too much
Soon you will walk without need of a crutch
In the kingdom to come
You won’t limp you will run
With the help of the lords gentle touch
So I wait for the day to draw nigh
Though I know lots of people will cry
With happiness in my heart
I will gladly depart
Heavens waiting there for me to try
The angel at last has drawn near
He offers a new life so clear
With a silent prayer
I climb the golden stair
Halleluiah the angels all cheer

There was a madam who had a business in Shire,
In the oldest profession, she was for hire,
Alas, the tax people came,
But she didn’t think the same,
Because soon she wanted to retire.
She cried, “I have no savings; surely you jest,
Even the IRS can’t tax my breasts!
I just had them installed!
Aren’t you enthralled?
I bet you would never even guess!”
"Madam, even though your 401k,
Is in your ample breasts to stay,
I can see by your guests,
It still generates interest,
And for that you’ll have to pay!"

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
April 29, 2016

Your body men desire
It fills them full of fire
They want so much
To feel the touch
The gifts you have for hire.
You walk the streets so dark
Your future bleak and stark
You work for bugs
To buy the drugs
That really hit the mark.
Your pimp is a drug dealer
A professional money stealer
You feel the pain
Hooked on cocaine
He is your true fate-sealer.
You passing nobody to mourn
Thirty years since you were born
You only know your punter
Who really was your hunter
But it’s you the people scorn!

Run, Donald! Run! and the people represent,
mama always said you'd be President
As for all the hype and buzz
well stupid is as stupid does...
I guess now we all know what mama meant!
January 2016
Note: I wrote one about Hillary so it's
only fair I do one about Trump.

Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

UPROAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST

In the Middle East they fight as control freaks.
Islamic State walking with their machetes.
In Iraq, al-Baghdadi is yellow teethed.
He is like an East African [g]o[d] in hideous heat.
The people survey said he takes leaks.
_________________________________________________|
Penned April 26, 2015!

When I was young.I saw the light.
Saw the light of the morning sky.
You took my hand, when you came to me.
I stole a kiss, it just set me free.
'Cause people like you, make the world go round.
People like you, make the world go round.
Round and round.Make the world go round.
People like you, make the world go round.
Our days are short.Our nights are long.
Stay together with me, and we'll sing our song.
Keep your head up high.Keep your hands down low.
Stand next to me, and your heart will grow.
'Cause people like you, make the world go round.
People like you, make the world go round.
Round and round.Make the world go round.
People like you, make the world go round.
Time is still on my side, when you're next to me.
This is the place that you have to be.
Stay in one place.Stay next to me.
You are the only girl for me.
'Cause people like you, make the world go round.
People like you, make the world go round.
Round and round.Make the world go round.
People like you, make the world go round.
People like you.People like me.
People like you, make the world go round...
R & B Lyrics By Kim Robin Edwards
Copyright 1991,2014..ALL rights reserved..

Some folks love doing their thing
And it brings in money and bling!
Just let me make hay
The conservatives say
Even when it gives others a sting
Do people all have basic rights?
Are some blown away like lost kites?
It seems there’s no end
Of a bad mess to mend
And liberals take on these fights
Author's Note: When the right to make a ton of bucks interferes with other rights that people have--watch out I get particularly offended by people who exercise their freedom (and by doing so) interfere with my right to clean air and water and freedom from intrusive smells and noise This argument can be extended to a variety of situations Where do your rights end and mine begin? This is the tip of a massive iceberg (which could be melting due to global warming).

Smelly Nelly was quite a charming girl,
She wore her hair in braids instead of curls,
Bathing several times per day in the Jewish way,
Yet many scoffed and sniffed,
exclaiming she smelt like manure in hay,
Nelly used expensive oils and attars,
some came from lands very far,
Her raiments were made of the finest silks
but people still told her she smelt
like days old milk,
They shunned and booed her,
talking behind her back,
hoping and praying she would have a heart attack,
The gripe they harbored had nothing to do with
Nelly's smell, it was because her family owned
several oil wells,
Neverthelss, she brought her own lunch which made
her naysayers feel as if they were incompetent bunches,
The farce of living as the Joneses do, never appealed to
Nelly because she knew the value of a dollar,
So while folks snickered and stared, corking their noses
causing her despair,
She sat and ate her snicker doodle sandwiches with her
little pinky waving in the air,
Smelly Nelly they chanted everyday, but she shrugged
her shoulders and continued on her merry way,
Cartier, Chanel and Youth Dew were always in her backpack,
but she knew it was hard for critics to understand her modest lifestyle,
They all rumoured that she lacked!
Afterall, she rather "enjoyed" their ignorance,
watching them treat her as if she were a rotten as mere happenstance,
But Nelly soon conquered her critics by blossoming into a
lovely swan, forgetting about the negativity, and meanness,
leaving the penny section to stew in their own mess......

When making a wish people ask for Riches and Fame, A selfish decision, deluded brains
In a world full of Poverty, war and disease, If I had a wish I'd ask so with easeEnd all Hunger, Sickness and ViolenceFor too long these issues have suffered in Silence.
As we progress into 2015, Dramatic changes remain to be seenStand and up be heard for a cause too great, and improve on these issues before it's too late.

It’s Iron Bowl Time in Alabama
By Elton Camp
Watching football may be okay
Even following it, play-by-play
However, I say, “Ho, hum”
Don’t care about the outcome
For I will use my time another way
(For readers outside Alabama, this refers to the extreme fanaticism so often seen here about the football teams of the University of Alabama and Auburn University People who have attended neither school get all upset over it and tend to build their lives around the fortunes of the two teams I think that’s going way too far about a dangerous child’s game.)

Pete's spouse accused him of having no class.
Socially, folks avoided him en masse.
He had a most dreadful flaw,
That made some people guffaw.
He could not control the passing of gas!
Robert LHinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired

Why is it you never show me your face?
My feelings are hurt, so you I’ll replace!
Find another on which to pounce
Each time your team takes a bad bounce
The damage you’ve done cannot be erased
Even my fine leather is marred with grooves
From all your fanatic football fan moves
Get off your duff, I must rebuff
You’ve made my lining far too rough
Each time you move, I hope the team will lose
I have already called a moving van
To transport me to a gentler land
Where people of grace sip green tea
Pontificating times that be
By dawn in my place you’ll find the trash can

They do dirty jobs without fuss
And bring to our culture a plus
We claim they're unfit
And upon them some spit
Yet illegals are better than us
Author's note: It's ironic that the people who promote family values would deport the parents of US citizens (children born in the US to alien parents)

About six degrees of silly
Best describes my friend Billy,
Butters both sides of his bread,
Eats ice-cream standing on his head,
Walks backwards when it's hilly.
He embarrasses me all round town
With silly noises and faking frown,
He scares people in the park,
Jumping out of trees when it's dark,
Billy's such a hopeless clown.

She’s out there chasing a cricket
Through bush, through shrub & through thicket
Together they hop
Fugitive, cop
But when she gets it, she just wants to lick it!
A cat whose vet took his eye
Just cannot quite understand why
His eye’s been enucleated,
3-D vision reduciated,
So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye
Ya gotta keep limericks loose
Think green eggs, or perhaps DrSeuss
They’re structured, it’s true,
But they’re also a zoo
Whose tenants are all on the loose!
I frolic in fountains of words
Overflowing with serious absurds
Each poem I write
Wakes up and takes flight
Joining angels and faeries and birds
You ask that we write a good limerick
How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick
So I struggle and frown
Teaching poems to clown
So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick
A cat with a mouth full of mouse
Brought her feast right into my house
She played with her food
Who was not in the mood
To be a banquet of mouse in the house
The nightmares that shadow my sleep
Stampede the proverbial sheep
Right out of my mind
When I try to unwind
I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep
In her search for original truth
She met people unsavory and couth
She knitted and purled
But only unfurled
Yarns told by new age and old youth
Cat, suddenly pink,
Drinks her water from out of the sink
She looks so absurd
Since she’s been de-furred
I really don’t know what to think!
If one and one is two and two is four,
And there’s only two ways to go through a door,
Then, is earth up or down?
And, where is down town?
These are questions we need to explore!
A was that is an is
Tried to mind my biz
But I sent it packing,
Its presence was lacking
And I don’t have time for such shiz!
A couple who lived in Los Lunas
Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness
They’d stare at the air,
Over here, over there
And rejoice at the feeling of newness
A cat with a very fat gut
Found it easier to walk on his butt
He’d drag it around
Across carpet and ground
And use it to slam the doors shut
Said the Missus to her dear MrOtter,
“There’s something I think that you oughta
Do before we get old
To protect us from cold –
You oughta make the hot water hotter!”
The ghosts who live up in my attic
Make noises that sound much like static
I’ve tried to send them away,
But they’re here to stay,
Those staticky ghosts in my attic

In younger days we would watch our figure
Now hear behind the back people snicker
Now through many years
Christmas treats and cheers
Behinds not in line, those bellies bigger!
I’ll make Chocolate pie resolution
Along with Pecan pie restitution
When our congress acquits
Stupid party line splits
That’s when this old sort admits, protrusion!
Once old fat cell was triggered
Being in behinds he snickered
In belly overlap
In lassie and old chap
Got them just the way he figured!
For and in honor of Carolyn Devonshire
And Contest

There once was a bully who ruled
Thinking, man, he had everyone fooled.
He did as he pleased
With the power he seized
Sure that he’d never be ridiculed.
But the people who suffered his blows
Were delighted at what I suppose
Was a foolish mistake
For a bully to make
That reporters found ways to expose.
Now the papers all print up the news
Leaving readers to weigh things and choose
If this bully should leave
For most opt to believe
Such behavior he cannot excuse.
The moral, of course, hits a nerve
For most bully-types rarely observe
That they cannot defend
Hurting those they offend
And their punishment’s what they deserve.