I'm SICK OF SUCKING IT UP. Tell the sister in law to 'suck it up' for once.

So my brother got married earlier this year and I’ll confess and say that I’ve never liked her very much and now it is just getting worse and worse and I’m sick of being the one told to ‘suck it up’ because it feels like no one ever tells HER to suck it up. She gets away with doing whatever she wants without caring how other people feel about it. No one tells her to take the high road.

She’s always been really rude and snobby to me and I could share numerous stories of times she has made fun of me in front of my family and they’ve laughed awkwardly instead of sticking up for me because they don’t want to cause a rift in the the family. I broke up with my fiance last year because he was cheating on me with a girl from work and she acts like she is so much better than me because she is ‘successfully’ married and it’s the worst, most horrible feeling, especially because I still haven’t been able to meet someone and it’s been 16 months now. She has always tried to ‘push me aside’ too, like every time our family goes somewhere, she stops my brother from talking to me and since my parents are paired off, I just sit there like an awkward third wheel and it’s gotten that way I have started avoiding going out with my family. She always makes fun of my interests, acts like I’m a hassle and she even acts like she is my mother’s daughter, not me, like buying her a birthday card that said ‘from your favorite daughter’. YOU’RE NOT HER DAUGHTER, GO AWAY. She acts like I’m irreelvant when this is supposed to be MY FAMILY and whenever I say something, I get told we all have to suck up having people we don’t like in the family and take the high road. Why has no one told HER this? She clearly doesn’t like me, but why isn’t she getting told to tak the high road and not be awful to me? My brother is so infatuated with her that he won’t tell her to stop her behavior and my parents won’t do anything because they refuse to take sides, so now I’m stuck with this witch in my family who makes me feel so uncomfortable in my family I don’t want anything to do with them. Why is it ME who has to suck it up? Why am I expected to feel awful in my own family?

Anyway, she announced at my birthday dinner in August she is pregnant which completely took away from my birthday and she had the cake changed to ‘Congratulations [[Her Name]] and [[My Name]] which made me so angry because she made it all about her. It was even HER NAME first! She had to turn my birthday dinner into a celebration of her having sex without a condom which she could have done on ANY OTHER DAY. She couldn’t have done the weekend after? Of course not, then she wouldn’t get to put me in my place below her. Now she has found out it is a girl and wants to give the baby the exact same name as me because she likes the name. We are not from a culture where having the same name as relatives is common and I’m really upset about it because I feel like my name is meant to be ‘special’ in the family and now she is ‘reassinng’ it to her kid. Now every time my parents are talking about M——–, they’re going to be like ‘Oh which one?’ and it makes me feel I’ve been replaced in my own family and I’m not even excited about having a niece or nephew anymore because now that kid is a trophy how she has ‘won’ in making me feel irreelvant. I’ve even started looking at jobs on the other side of the country to get away from them all, becuse freezing in Toronto would be better than dealing with this nonsense all the time.

I can tell you right now if I named my child her name, everyone would beg me not to do it (not that I would in the first place, even though I like her name, the family already has an A———-, whether I like it or not’ and when my brother suggested a different name, she was all ‘THIS IS MY DREAM BABY NAME, I’M USING IT’ so everyone backed off and no one CARES how I feel, I just have to suck up having my name doubled up in the family and no one understands why I’m uspet and it’s easy for them to say because THEY are not the ones who are treated like poo by her, they are not the ones getting their name used, they are not the ones being told to ‘suck it up’ when she is never told that. Tell HER to suck it up. Tell her she married into a Family with a M———- already so pick another god damn name for your stupid baby. There are milions of other names out there, why does it have to be MINE? This is MY NAME in the family. It’s so obvious she is trying to craft a family for herself that is my parents, my brother, her and their stupid baby. Just because her parents are apparently jerks doesn’t mean she gets to find a nice family, marry the boy and then try and take the sisters place.

I wish my brother never married this awful monster and I wish she’d just go away and take her smug bullying with her. She’s basically ruined my family for me :(. Why can’t she suck it up. Or better yet, why can’t my brother divorce her.

I can’t find the edit button, but the worst thing now is I REALLY can’t say anything to call her out on her behavior because she is pregnant and everyone is tip-toeing around her like she is made of glass. Being pregnant doesn’t give you the right to trample on people’s feelings and bully people. She was doing it before she got knocked up and now it’s even worse.

FedUpWithThis: Right now you are really angry and get that but if you do anything in anger it won’t end well.

First off giving your mom a card and saying from your daughter isn’t wrong. The favourite part may have been a bit annoying but since she is married to your brother, yip she can be considered family and a daughter to your mom. Sorry but I think you are over reacting on that one based on how you feel about her.

Changing the cake, yip that was shitty but annoucing it at your birthday to me isn’t a huge deal. Everyone was together, it was a happy moment. The changing of the cake was wrong though. But again, I think if there are a lot of actions here which are adding up to you boiling over.

I don’t think her naming her daughter after you is going to take away from you. Mind you, next time it is brought up I would make a fuss over how nice it is for them to name her after you and how it is such an honour etc etc. It will either drive her nuts or force her to say somethinf really rude in front of family.

And I am going out on a limb here saying your brother probably doesn’t stand up for you because he knows you don’t like her. Honestly try the killing her with kindness approach. Works way better in the long run because face it she isn’t going anywhere.

She’s an alpha and you’ve been assigned the beta role. Tell her how HONORED and HAPPY you feel about the special connection you and the baby will now have. If you want it about you, start making it all about you.

I would have scraped her name off my birthday cake or cut her slice by slicing through her name on purpose (I’m in a blitchy mode right now)

Be overly sweet and kind to her, tell her how much you love the fact that she’s named the baby after you, that it’s such an honour. Buy her a card ”To my favourite sister” on her Birthday, compliment her hair.. you can do it all slightly sarcastically, but only slightly.. so that if she calls you out on it you can get defensive and tell her how you genuinely meant it.

I dunno.. that’s what I’d do. Try and find your inner confidence – You are your parents daughter and no number of ‘favourite daughter’ cards to your Mum is ever going to change that 🙂

So don’t worry… just hold your head high, be sweet and take the high road..

FedUpWithThis: this sucks! It also really annoys me when people refuse to take sides where by doing nothing they are in fact taking a side because they are condoning the behaviour of the person who is doing something wrong.

ETA: In most situations I think not taking sides is the best way but not in case like this where it sounds like one person is behaving badly and the other just defending themselves

FedUpWithThis: Oh my gosh, she sounds like a complete nightmare! I cannot believe that she thought the birthday situation was anywhere near appropriate, and I’m sorry you’re not getting more support from your family.

It sounds to me like she’s always going to be a difficult so-and-so to deal with, but that at the moment there’s a certain dynamic that makes it so much more uncomfortable and frustrating from you. I can imagine that in the future when you have your non-cheating dream partner (aka your Mum’s new favourite son), these situations will be much easier to deal with. To have a partner who gets it and who you can roll your eyes at over the dinner table makes these things seem a lot less important.

Sometimes we just need someone who understands. I do, but I’m sorry that’s probably not much comfort. Just try to keep in mind that although she may always be there, things likely won’t always be this difficult. Try to keep your head up, and for the love of god do try and get yourself a promotion at work or at least knocked up just in time for her birthday…. 😉

FedUpWithThis: Anther suggestion from me – have a heart-to-heart with your parents and tell them how bad you are feeling. Explain everything that you’ve just explained to us, to them. And ask them to reassure you that they will always love you more, because you’re their daughter, etc. Make them understand that you need their support.

amanda3334455: I know you’re just trying to help, but this is part of what is bugging me. Why do *I* always have to be the one who takes the high road? Why do I have to kill her with kindness when she has never shown me any kindness and all she does is make fun of me and my broken relationship in front of the family. I get what you’re saying but it is a huge sore point. I’m sick of being the one who has to ‘suck it up’ and take the high road. Why can’t SHE take the high road for once? Now she is knocked up, it’s even worse with the expectations that I’ll do it.

fedupwiththis: The thing is, she’s being a bully. This is the reaction that she wants you to have, so you having this reaction to her is just giving her what she wants.

That’s why being kind and confident in her presents will ‘kill’ her, because she’ll lose all her ammunition. She’s obviously insecure and lacking in confidence herself, that’s why she’s even trying to take your place in the first place.

So the best thing you can do is try and feel sorry for her, let her know that you’re 100% confident in your place as the family daughter, and that there’s no way she can push you out of the way no matter how hard she tries. That’s what’s meant by ‘taking the high road’. The high road means that you’re way above her and unthreatened by her, and can be sweet to her.

FedUpWithThis: KIll her with kindness… Believe me it works… When she does that, just say you are so glad you have a sister now and so happy your mom has a second daughter. The nicer you are to her, the harder her behjaviour becomes to ignore. If you are nice to her and she is still a bithc to you, people will notice but instead of them picking up on you hating her, they will pick up on you trying so hard and being met with nastiness.

As to why you should be the nice one, because it reflects well on you and makes her look worse. If nothing else focus on the satisfaction of making her look like a bitch to everyone. Right now your brother can get away with not defending you because you hate her. Take that away and what is he going to do when his sister is being amazingly sweet and trying so hard with his wife who treats her terribly.

I know it will be hard to do but you need to play the long game. Right now you are playing the short game, hoping she will go away. She won’t. So play for the long haul. Play the game that shows you have self-respect and are a loving caring person. In the end, make it about you. Make it about you being the loving sister in law.

I was right with you feeling bad for you until you wound yourself up so much that by the end of your message, you were being quite irrational, which won’t help your cause.

I’d stop calling the baby “stupid”. It’s not their fault and they are your neice or nephew. You could lose all contact with a significant blood relative if you don’t find a way to calmly handle this. You’re clearly a strong woman – you managed to leave a cheating fiancé when we read so many women asking for advice because they want to stay. Good on you! Use that strength to find a way to talk to your family, including her to find a solution to this. Good luck!