Friday, August 10, 2012

Day 67- Postponement Character Reactions

Within this blog I am looking at and self-forgiving the
reactions created by the back chat that comes from the initial thoughts which I
already forgave in my last blogs Here, Here and Here (in that order). When we
participate within and as back chat, we follow our thoughts into internal
conversations in the mind, which creates reactions that result in things such
as ‘postponement’. When I experience ‘postponement’ it is an actual physical
experience, wherein I experience physical tiredness, heaviness, like a ‘walking
through sludge’ type experience, I even get nauseous. Throughout this are the
internal battles of judgment (I can’t believe I’m putting this off, I should be
working right now, I’m so lazy etc etc etc…that feels like self-loathing and really
being down on oneself). It has been fascinating to see how I actually create
these experiences for myself, particularly when I have school assignments and
the deadline is far enough away that I need to motivate myself without the
stress that gets most of us students moving. Or even going to work wherein, I
have had a hard time being on time because I just don’t want to go and I follow
my mind into reactions from back chat that are actually physically difficult to
move through. All this is entirely unnecessary. Each task in life, whether it
is school, work, chores, daily responsibilities etc… can be done in the moment
without reaction by taking self-responsibility to look at what the mind is
doing, and changing it to work for you instead of against you. Here I am
continuing to re-program’ my own mind to equality and oneness to my SELF, and
thus to all that is here because after all, we’re all equal and one as Life and
existence. This way, no thing is 'bigger than' me or my ability to move myself, thus no internal experience within me is 'too big' to move through. Within being equal to and as it, one can effectively stop and change it.

To begin, a re-cap on identifying the back chat: ( I will be
working with the part in Italics)

“The backchat
associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up
on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on
facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of
irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do
laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety).
Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.

SELF-FORGIVENESS & SELF-COMMITTMENTS:

ON: following back chat through to actual physical/emotional
reaction:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate within and as reactions based on backchat about thoughts that I
accept and allow in relation to tasks that I direct myself to do.

I commit myself to begin each new task with a clear starting
point, wherein I check myself to see the backchat I am speaking to myself silently
in the secrecy of my mind, I realize I have a choice to follow it or not, and I
choose to breathe through it in order that I may ensure that I am acting within
and as self-direction and not within and as reactions to backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions from
backchat to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to stop choosing backchat, to stop in each
moment that I give myself that choice, and to choose life each time, every time
for as long as it takes until back chat no longer exists within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceived that the reactions that I create from thoughts and
backchat are real/are me/are who I am in the moment, because they feel/seem so
real because I actually experience them physically as a tiredness, heaviness,
‘dragging’ sensation and internal ‘temper tantrums’, instead of
seeing/realizing/understanding that I accepted and allowed myself to continue
participating in and creating the experience through feeding it with my
energy/attention until it manifested physically as an actual physical
sensation, showing me that I in fact create my own reality and within this, I
remind myself that it is a CHOICE, and there is ANOTHER WAY.

I commit myself to SEE THROUGH the illusion that I am trapped
within whatever I experience and instead I realized that if I stop and look at
it/myself through self-introspection (writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty
and self-corrective application), then I can actually see how I create it,
understand how to stop creating it, and effectively change me/my experience of
myself/my application of myself to one that is best for all- thus best for
myself.

OVERWHELMING-NESS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate
within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘overwhelming-ness’
to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the
internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ as an excuse to postpone
from pushing myself to do a task or move effectively throughout my life and
world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react
within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’ in relation/response/reaction to the internal
conversations I have with myself that consists of telling myself ‘I have so
much to do’ implying ‘I’ll never be able to keep up’, ‘I’ll fall behind and not
be able to accomplish everything thus I will FAIL (fear of failure)’, I will
not “do what I’m supposed to do’ to attain some unnamed standard and will thus
DISAPPOINT myself and others and be PLAGUED with REGRET.

Within this self-forgiveness statement I see that the
experience of OVERWHELMING-NESS is created from FEAR OF FAILURE, FEAR OF
DISAPPOINTMENT, and FEAR OF REGRET. So…

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty
and self-corrective application, realize/see/understand exactly how I create
the experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ within and as me through reacting to fear
of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of regret, wherein I thus then
learn and practice how to stop it each time, learning how to change my living
so as to not create overwhelming-ness in the first place, but to instead
effectively DEAL with daily Life and everything that is thrown at me in every
moment and to walk one with and equal to it always wherein I DIRECT IT, I
CHOOSE who and how I am, and I DO NOT accept or allow myself to live ‘overwhelming-ness’
because it does not serve me in any way.

FEAR OF FAILURE/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate within and as the ‘fear of failure.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the
fear of failure as a reason/excuse/justification to not move myself/push myself
to be fully present/aware/effective within tasks, and to instead postpone from
doing them thus postponing me from actually Living.

I commit myself to stop participating within and as the
self-abuse of ‘fear of failure’ by stopping myself from following the thoughts
and focusing myself instead upon my breathing until the thought dissipates and
I instead move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ‘fear of
failure’ to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to rid my body of the chemical reaction
produced by the fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive
the ‘fear of failure’ is real/who I am in any way, I see/realize/understand
that it is an automated program within and as me that I have developed over
time due to not understanding who and how I created myself within and as how I
grew up/was socialized in school/family/work/society and thus, I used the fear
of failure to keep me down/scared/limited so as not to have to take
responsibility for myself but instead to drift along and not question anything
or try to change anything but rather just be a bystander in life.

I commit myself to be/become a fully active participant in
life in the face of any and all fear within the understanding that fear is not
real and not necessary and that practical common sense is all anybody needs to
live.

DISAPPOINTMENT/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘disappointment’
either in myself or from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive
that ‘disappointment is real or is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘disappointment’
to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use
disappointment/fear of disappointment to sabotage myself from effectively
moving in the moment, and using it to reinforce myself as the ‘postponement
character’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
separate myself from ‘disappointment’ thus creating a relationship of fear
towards it, instead of standing equal to and one with it and changing myself as
it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be
directed by the fear of disappointment that I accept and allow to exist within
and as me, instead of directing myself (self-direction) through the fear of
disappointment by simply doing the task at hand within and as breathe in the
moment, doing the best I can within self-honesty, and seeing the task through
to completion within the understanding that, I am always learning, I can always
improve upon myself, but the only way to improve is to do a task to the best of
my ability in the first place and to learn from myself and my ‘mis-takes’
wherein, there is no space or place or need for disappointment of the fear of
disappointment because, Life is ongoing and I am ever changing and am not
defined by any one singular thing or task, but rather by my application of
myself over time and who I am within that.

REGRET/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate
within and as regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘regret’ to exist
within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
separate myself from ‘regret’ and within this, I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to develop a relationship of ‘fear’ towards ‘regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘regret’
as a reason/justification/excuse to postpone myself from moving me effectively
through my Life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react
towards ‘regret’ within a fear that stops me from even trying, within the
delusional idea that, ‘if I don’t try it, I won’t regret failing/disappointing
myself’ instead of realizing that failure and disappointment do not exist, thus
the only thing to regret is not trying in the first place. In this, I
see/realize/understand how I in fact manifest ‘regret’ into and as my life and
my world and into and as myself by letting opportunities pass me by due to fear
of regret, thus missing opportunities to know me, live and apply myself and
actually really live instead of merely existing as a prisoner of the mind,
frozen in fear and only reacting instead of fully participating in this One Life
we have.

I commit myself to effectively END REGRET within and as
myself by fearlessly seizing every opportunity to live and express and ‘Be’ to
the fullest extent that I am capable, wherein I constantly push myself to test
my limits within the understanding that fear is an illusion and limitations are
self-created.

When and as I see that I am going into/am in the ‘postponement’
character within and as the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’
caused by ‘fear of failure’, ‘regret’ and ‘disappointment’ I stop, and I breath.
I bring myself back to stability Here by reminding myself that only by moving
me in the moment will I truly not manifest these experiences for myself, thus I
Move Me Here.

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.