Paul Ladewski: White Sox fans sold their soul, but who knew it would be this bad?

Thursday

Sep 27, 2007 at 12:01 AMSep 27, 2007 at 3:47 PM

Hey, Lucifer, is that you down there?

Yo. What up?

Not the White Sox, that’s for darn sure.

Paul Ladewski

Hey, Lucifer, is that you down there?

Yo. What up?

Not the White Sox, that’s for darn sure.

So I’ve heard.

Actually, that’s why I called today. Sox Nation wants to renegotiate its contract. It bothers me to see the best baseball fans in town suffer like this, so I’ve volunteered my services.

Suffer?

Actually, Luci, it’s worse than that. A lot worse. Have you seen the Sox play this season?

What do you think I do here all day — watch baseball and work on my tan?

There are a lot of desperate people your way. I just spent 66 minutes with Pete Rose on the phone. He offered his soul in return for Hall of Fame induction. Of course, he’ll have to do a lot better than that.

Barry Bonds said that I can have HIS soul and 10 years of his life in return for 800 career home runs and 3,000 career hits. Dude, the guy has only eight years left!

Think these negotiations are easy? I feel like Scott Boras with a pitchfork.

Look, I know you’re a busy man, but ...

And whenever I do have some free time, Billy Martin wants to watch “The Bronx is Burning.” That’s the last thing I want to do HERE.

But to answer your question, I do look at the standings now and then.

So you’re aware the Sox have gone practically from the top to the bottom in a matter of months?

Tell me about it. I was an archangel once, remember.

C’mon, Luci, I’m serious about this.

Sorry, but that was the agreement we reached two years ago. (Shuffles through papers.) It’s right here in red and green — I give Sox fans the first World Series championship in Chicago since 1917, they give me 88 more years of hopelessness, frustration and despair.

Hopelessness, Frustration and Despair? Those are the names of the Sox relief pitchers, I think.

The fans got what they wanted. So what’s the problem?

Sox Nation usually expects the worst, but it had no idea it would be like THIS. All of a sudden, proven hitters can’t produce in the clutch. Established starters can’t pitch. The bullpen is a wreck. So many guys have been hurt, Grey’s Anatomy wants them.

After this season from, uh, hell, don’t Sox fans qualify for some kind of discount?

Don’t they remember what miracles it took to pull this off? Let me refresh their memories then.

(Takes a deep breath.)

Final week of the regular season, Grady Sizemore drops a fly ball, the Cleveland Indians drop out of the division race. Grady Sizemore drops a fly ball as often as Ty Cobb wears rubber spikes down here.

Sox fans appreci...

ALDS, Game 2, Tony Graffanino lets a ground ball roll through his legs, Boston Red Sox lose. Really, I water petunias down here more often than Graffanino lets a grounder roll through his legs.

Sox fans remem...

ALDS, Game 3, the Red Sox load the bases with no outs, fail to score, get swept in the series. The Red Sox load the bases with no outs but don’t score as often as Jack Parkman high-fives a teammate down here.

World Series, Game 2, Scott Podsednik hits a walkoff home run, turns the Houston Astros into burnt toast. Charles Comiskey springs for hot wings down here more times than Scott Podsednik hits a walkoff homer.

Sox fans went bonk...

World Series, Game 3, Geoff Blum hits a homer to win the game. Geoff bloomin’ Blum! The guy hits a game-winner as often as we take cold showers down here.

OK, NOW do they remember?

Believe me, Sox fans will take those memories to their graves. But after the price they’ve had to pay this season, can’t you do something to ease the pain? Anything? I mean, 2093 is a long time from now.

Sorry, but all terms are final. Says so right here. Tell Sox fans that I do have some good news for them, though.

What’s that?

They could have the deal that Cubs fans agreed to 1908, you know.

Paul Ladewski can be reached at pladd@aol.com

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