Saturday, March 15, 2008

UNFORTUNATELY, THE CENTRE COLLEGE PRAYING COLONELS AND THE HEIDELBERG STUDENT PRINCES FAILED TO ADVANCE FROM THE FIRST ROUND: But with the NCAA Division I men's basketball tournament field due to be announced, our friend Charlie has decided to give his patented MascotMatcher Protocol a test drive through the NCAA Division III men's tournament Elite Eight games on tap for tonight:

Amherst College Lord Jeffs v. Brandeis Judges: Snuggle up in your blanket, Louie, the verdict is in! Lord JeffsUrsinus Golden Bears v. Coast Guard Bears: At $1,000 an ounce, some bears glitter more than others. Golden BearsWashington University in St. Louis Bears v. Milsaps College Majors: Salute and head back to hibernation. What are Milsaps? Majors.Hope Flying Dutchmen v. Wheaton Thunder: The booming you hear is wooden shoes in the locker room. Back to your pot dens, gouda eaters. Thunder.

e.t.a. 10pm: Lord Jeffs!, Golden Bears, Bears and Flying Dutchmen win. Charlie may have to adjust the ethnic settings for this year's tournament, as well as account for the fact that bears are giant, marauding, godless killing machines.

IN MY MANY YEARS I HAVE COME TO A CONCLUSION THAT ONE USELESS MAN IS A SHAME, TWO IS A LAW FIRM, AND THREE OR MORE IS A CONGRESS: Quick survey -- what is the level of interest out there for the John Adams miniseries debuting on HBO tomorrow night? How excited are you to see Pig Vomit as our second President, and do you believe he can measure up to the work of Dr. Mark CraigMr. Feeny the voice of KITT in 1776?

[Also, FYI: Both of our prominent Atlanta-area commenters have checked in after last night's tornado, and I am glad to report both are fine.]

Friday, March 14, 2008

YOU DON'T REALLY CARE FOR MUSIC, DO YOU? As I sit here grumbling about the fact that thus far, Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Leonard Cohen's 2008-09 World Tour includes a grand total of zero U.S. dates -- first we take Manhattan, first! -- I can at least point you to this Boston Globe piece reiterating the oft-made-around-here point that Cohen's "Hallelujah" is the gratist song evir.

SEND YOUR FEBRUARY 28 SELF BACK IN TIME TO READ IT: While reading the various post-mortems on last night's Lost, I came across an EW.com piece that I'd somehow missed last week. The always astute Jeff Jensen has some interesting thoughts on the ramifications of the stellar Desmond-Penny episode of two weeks ago; what's more, he's got Damon Lindelof's views on his theories. Well worth your time (especially the second page), if you haven't already seen it.

While you're at it, go ahead and read Jensen's preshow commentary on "Ji Yeon" if you'd like to muse on the various ways in which the big non-reveal might have been more interesting than we're giving it credit for.

Miss Guided premiering next Tuesday night, after Dancing With Sorta Famous People--Judy Greer and Dr. Leo Spaceman in a comedy about high school guidance counselors. Sure, that Veronica Mars showrunner Rob Thomas decided that Big Shots and a 90210 spin-off were better choices for how to spend his time is a little disconcerting, but Greer's awesomeness will have been tune in at least for a couple of episodes.

UH-OH! In the mid-1960s, Campbell Soup research & development chef Kurt Eberling Sr. was asked to figure out a way to put spaghetti and meatballs in a can. "He had a breakthrough, his son said, while cleaning up from dinner one night. He noticed a strand of spaghetti twirled in the sink," and from that, the world now has SpaghettiOs. Chef Eberling died in the Philadelphia suburbs on Monday at the age of 77.

MEAT IS MODELS: I haven't been posting about any models-related shows of late, primarily because I've been watching them on a multi-day time delay, but I have been meaning to raise one particular point:

Upon watching the first couple of episodes of Make Me a Supermodel, I was really quite smitten with both Perry and Casey. Over time, however, I have come to detest Perry with something of a white-hot fury. There are very few things that are less appealing than a really good-looking guy who is unshakably convinced of his own physical attractiveness. (Actually, I guess there is one thing that's arguably less appealing: a decidedly non-good-looking guy who is unshakably convinced of his own physical attactiveness. But I digress.) The Perry posse, comprised of cocksure Perry and his dwindling band of floppy-haired brothers, has solidified my love for both Ronnie (just for being immune to Perry's rockhead charms, such as they are) and Holly (for being spectacularly beautiful on both film and catwalk as well as for boldly hating on the boys).

And as long as I'm here, I might as well mention that last night's ANTM meat shoot produced some of the least compelling photographs I have ever seen on the show. I did like Whitney's take on post-Trimspa pre-expiration date Anna Nicole Smith in a meatlocker, but otherwise, man, those were some undesirable photographs. Oh, and I hate Fatima, honorable anti-genital mutilation platform notwithstanding. That is all.

I TAKE TWO STEPS FORWARD, YOU TAKE TWO STEPS BACK: I am sitting here with an upside down book trying to think of something to say about this week's Lost before wrapping myself in chains and jumping into the comments. Nothing much to say, though, except that that isn't exactly the method I would have chosen to win someone's trust, but maybe that's just me. Oh, and this: September 22, 2004.

WE COME ON THE SHIP THEY CALL THE MAYFLOWER, WE COME ON THE SHIP THAT SAILS THE MOON: Like, I suspect, a lot of people (those that read People, for example), I have an uncomfortable fascination with certain crime stories, the most recent being the terrible story of Eve Carson, the University of North Carolina student-body president who was murdered last week in a late-night robbery. I don't know why some stories are more engrossing to me than others, except that the first part of this sentence is a lie. What I know, but hate to admit, is that it has something to do with an innate vanity -- an increased interest in stories where I shared or sometimes wish I shared some distinguishing characteristic with either the victim or the perpetrator. They came from my home town; she was a high-achieving college student; he was a lawyer; etc. I suppose that's the instinct that makes me scrutinize every snapshot the media posts for some kind of recognition of myself and that I can pretend legitimizes idle questions like "what if I knew her?" or "what if it were me?"

It felt a little like an accusation, then, to learn that the men who murdered Eve Carson had another victim about whom I had never heard. His name was Abhijit Mahato. He was a grad student at Duke, just a few miles up the road from Carson; he came from India after doing his undergraduate work at IIT; and, knowing what I do now, his earnest, self-deprecating, optimistic, unfinished web page is just unbearably sad. It's not surprising to me that the media would be more attentive to the death of a pretty blonde achiever or that I would miss or ignore a story about the murder-robbery of a Bengali grad student (or that Duke and UNC's basketball teams would observe a moment of silence for one but not the other), but the fact that it is and I did (and they did) makes me feel pretty dirty right now.

DOES THIS MEAN SOMEONE'S FINALLY GOING TO SLAP MISS PIGGY? In what may well be the strangest Hollywood news you'll read all week, HIMYM co-star Jason Segel has signed to co-write a new Muppet movie along with the director of the forthcoming Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Feel free to insert random Muppet clips in the comments.

DIFFINDO! Warner Brothers has announced that its adaptation of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be divided into two separate films, to be released in in November 2010 and May 2011. Via Daniel Radcliffe: "I think it's the only way you can do it, without cutting out a huge portion of the book. ... There have been compartmentalized subplots in the other books that have made them easier to cut -- although those cuts were still to the horror of some fans -- but the seventh book doesn't really have any subplots. It's one driving, pounding story from the word go."

So: artistic justice or craven profit-seeking? And where should the first film end?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

IF I'M BEING HONEST HERE, AMERICAN IDOL HAS NEVER BEEN "GOING FOR SPEED": Okay, bizarre song choice for the car advertisement slot this week, an oddly sophisticated-looking-but-inert Katharine McPhee appearance, but at least the outcome was not a shocker. (To the comments on that one.)

Here's my question on this elimination: have we just thoroughly incorporated the Simon's metrics as our own at this point? Because the thing about that performance wasn't necessarily that it was inherently bad -- the singer is not untalented like those of Idols past -- but that it was bad in a particular way to which we've become sensitized over time. And I wonder if that is what led to this outcome rather than some purer measure of merit.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

CHIKEZIE EZE AND THE KITCHEN SINK: Because when you know you can be eliminated every single week (though to be sure, this is the safest week between 24 finalists and 1 -- only an 8.33% chance of elimination), that's what you do.

(Headline #2: Young David Archuleta -- He's Just Like Us! He Forgets Lines!)

I am not a fan of the Orchestra in the Sky, but strongly approve of the new "mosh pit" in the front of the stage. And in answer to Alan's question, they're clearly going with "Deny It," with folks like Carly Smithson being pimped so hard you'd think she had Eliot Spitzer on her speed-dial. At risk: David (H., not A. or C.), Ramielle, Kristy Lee, Amanda.

Fienberg: "Oooh, did you hear the way David used 'quasi' in his clip package? He really does love words."

Sepinwall: "Ye gods! From the most inevitable winner in the show's history to complete catastrophe in the space of 90 seconds. It was almost like the producers had heard all the comments about how everybody else was competing for second, pulled young David aside and told him to screw up as many lyrics as possible."

BACK FROM THE DEAD, LIKE LAVERNE: NBC always hated Scrubs,, at least in part because ABC/Touchstone produced and owned it, so NBC was never going to get a share of the syndication or DVD money. (NBC also hated it because, I hear, Bill Lawrence is not exactly an easy guy to get along with.) The show spent every summer on the bubble, and didn't get the funding to do a proper post-strike sendoff in this, its last season.

For Scrubs fans, the good news is that Dr. Cox says that everybody -- including Zach Braff -- is in for an 18-episode order to air on ABC. A dietary supplement, if you will, to cure your dancing Turkleton deficiency.

Incidentally, if Zach Braff bailed and they had to do it without him, could they have just inserted a cartoon, like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Would anybody notice?

Monday, March 10, 2008

ISN'T SHE LUCKY, THIS HOLLYWOOD BABY: For what's apparently (yet again) a "bubble show," that HIMYM has managed to score an appearance by Britney Spears as a Ted love interest is rather impressive (though I'm unsure if it'll actually bring in ratings). That said, I'm not sure if I buy her as "sweet and friendly and scattered and a little nerdy—a female Michael Cera," the apparent description of her part. Though credit is due for putting her there while casting Mandy Moore as the slut with the tramp stamp. The episode airs three weeks from tonight.

ETA: Apparently, Britney's presence has angered formerly scheduled guest star Alicia Silverstone, who's bowed out, to be replaced by Sarah Chalke as a dermatologist/love interest for Ted. (However, Michael Auseillo suggests in the same article that Silverstone is still likely to show up, perhaps even as "Your Mother," at a later time.)

Lou Reed inducted Leonard Cohen with a rambling run through Cohen's lyrics (followed by a Cohen speech largely quoting from "Tower of Song"), then Justin Timberlake for Madonna (with Iggy Pop and the Stooges then performing "Burning Up" and "Ray of Light" in tribute). Cougar's next, with Billy Joel (?) as the speechmaker.

MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO BE, S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E! Nothing like a good hookers-and-hubris story to keep eyes glued to the screen, and I bet some Writers Guild member wishes he'd thought this one up during the strike. Popcorn was selling by the bushel today on Wall Street, and the popper is unlikely to stop anytime soon.

I'm thinking that Kurt Russell has a certain Spitzerlike demeanor, but you may have better ideas. And I kinda like Brian Stokes Mitchell in the Oscar-bait role of our nation's first blind African-Amerian governor. (Seriously -- who needs fiction when we've got reality?) Who ya got to portray Client No. 9 on the big screen?

VICTIMS, SIGN UP HERE: The third season of the ALOTT5MA rotisserie baseball league will soon be upon us, and based on those owners already signed up to return we should have room for another 2-3 owners (assuming we go up from 10 to 12 teams) to join us for this free ESPN league. Likely to be ML universe again, roto and not H2H, live draft, but we'll work out the details once we're all together.

If you're interested, email me at throwingthingsblog -at- hotmail dot com; last year's owners should feel free to drop by in the comments to explain how they could possibly wrest the title from me this year.

WHO WILL BE THE NEXT VANESSA OLIVAREZ? If indeed I'm right that the key to a satisfying American Idol season is that Those Who Can't Win should be eliminated before Those Who Can (and that the internal order within each group is largely irrelevant), I suppose I ought to sketch out the preliminary tiers for the final twelve who take the stage Tuesday with the songs of Lennon and McCartney:

Cannon Fodder: Constantine Maroulis didn't make it that far, and neither will David Cook, who's like Constantine without the looks (and only 80% of the talent). David Hernandez is just going to be too squicky for people to vote for much longer, though if I'm wrong about this he could easily be final three based on talent. I know others disagree with me on this, but Ramiele Malubay ain't that good or interesting. And Amanda Overmeyer's going to be exposed soon enough.

Should Make It To April, But Can't Win: I like Chikezie Eze, but he ain't winning, and I don't like Kristy Lee Cook, but singing country will pull her further ahead than she should get on merit. And Carly Smithson can get far on competence, but she doesn't have "it".

The Special Case: The warm feelings we have towards Clifford the Crunchy Muppet can't overcome the fact that once he's on the big stage in front of the larger audience, I have a feeling he's going to seem small, quiet and out of place, even though his pipes are apparently big enough to have pulled off Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" in the auditions. God forbid he ever has to dance. To me, he has the widest range of possibilities out of anyone in the field -- if he can project to the big crowd, he's final three with an outside shot of a Taylor Hicks-sized club of supporters to give him the win; if he can't, he'll go "surprisingly" early like Chris Sligh did -- which is to say, ultimately not that surprising.

Have A Legitimate Shot At The Final Three: Michael Johns, Syesha Mercado (who now has demographics in her favor), Brooke White.

The Anointed One: Young David Archuleta. Biggest pre-Final 12 favorite since Chris Daughtry ... okay, and we know what happened there. But for now, it's his to lose.

All tiers subject to revision based on actual performance, but I feel pretty good about these groupings for now.

THE OL' ONE-TWO: To celebrate the press-annointed (and premature) lock the Mariners' Erik Bedard and Felix Hernandez have obtained on the phrase "1-2 punch," Jeff Sullivan at Lookout Landing gives us a joyfully silly list of the one-two euphemisms that apply to every other baseball team's top two starters.

BEGIN THE BEGIN*: From Psycho to Superman to Se7en, Nerve's Screengrab blog takes a look at the 12 Greatest Opening Movie Credits.via Pop Candy*Post title in no way inspired by optimism generated from this review that seems to indicate that my one-time favorite band of all time has made an album that doesn't suck eggs.

'T THE FUCK DID I DO? Last night's was an atypical Wire finale, leaving optimism and pessimism in equipoise (where usually it's the latter in a rout), then giving us a weird Animal House-style "where are they now" montage. I guess it was the anti-Sopranos ending; maybe that was the in-joke. As much as I found it a perfectly pleasant way to say goodbye to some great characters -- particularly Landsman's moving, funny, and sad eulogy, which put the lie to his prior moving, funny, and sad eulogies -- I had a little trouble with some of the outcome. In particular, I'm willing to believe in the next Bubbles, the next Omar, and the next Barksdale-in-Stringer's-Clothing (though the way Simon showed it seemed a bit broad). What troubled me was that I don't for a minute believe Sydnor as the next McNulty. There probably weren't two words of the FBI profile of McNulty that apply to him (actually, there were -- those two words are "bureaucratic institution"), and I just don't see him as having the capacity for self-destruction that McNulty had.

One touch I particularly appreciated, though, was the mini-montage in the opening credits, showing the mug or surveillance shots of the major criminal characters who didn't get a chance to say a proper goodbye this season -- Wallace, D'Angelo, Sobotka, Avon, Wee-Bay, Bodie. And yet, I'll pick that nit. First, Avon did get a little goodbye, so he wasn't really necessary. Second, did I just miss Stringer? Third, why no Ziggy? And fourth, you know who should have had a farewell? Brianna Barksdale, that's who. While we're on the subject of farewells, was that a picture of Robert Colesberry (producer, director, and Ray Cole portrayer) on the wall in the wake scene?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

WARNING: HE MAY BE CORRECT: ...Iceland is one of the world's largest exporters of processed aluminum, aluminum brought us to the Moon and wraps us in safety as we cruise the stratosphere. Americans use 800 quadrillion aluminum cans per hour while the poorest children on Earth are deprived of even a dream of bauxite. In a new history of this most critical of metals...

Look, I enjoyed Mark Kurlansky's thin little text Cod as much as the next guy. Mrs. Earthling also liked his book Salt. But there are now single-subject histories of Oysters, Spice, the Potato, Cotton, Citrus, dyes (Blue and Red), flavors (Vanilla and Chocolate), the Toothpick, Tea and Coffee, the Zipper, the Condom, the Vibrator, the Mirror, Coal, the Banana, and Salmon. Indeed, there are now so many that it took me three attempts to find an object about which there was no history in order that I might mock the genre. Instapundit notes a new one about the sunflower, the need for the oil of which was, the author suggests, the reason Hitler invaded Russia.

Are any of these books any good? Is this any way to write history? And, while you are at it, what single-object history do we need but for which the market and the publishing industry not yet been sufficiently entreated?

THE STATE OF THE STATES: A few weeks back, when I asked for help putting together a kid-appropriate iPod playlist covering each of the 50 states, there were a few requests that I post the results. These are their stories. A few quick notes: (1) I used a lot of the songs you suggested, so thanks; (2) I think I broke all of the rules I provided at some point or another; (3) I'm still missing Washington (my home state -- but try to find a non-depressing, kid-appropriate, listenable song about Washington) and Montana, and Springsteen's "Nebraska" is so depressing that I think I need to replace it, so if you have suggestions, please let me know; (4) it was a metric ton of fun just going on iTunes and listening to songs by bands I'd never heard, and a lot of the songs that I picked fall into that category; (5) things that don't exist in iTunes were not eligible, so sorry Marsha and Rockapella; and (6) I freaking love "Sink, Florida, Sink," so whoever suggested that, thanks again.

Okay, here's the list, in order of admission to the Union:

"Delaware Rain," Rick Menck

"Pennsylvania 6-5000," Brian Setzer (yes, I know it's a phone number)

"Jersey Girl," Bruce Springsteen (I know I should have used the Waits version, but I think his voice is a little rough for Spaceboy)

"Georgia on My Mind," Ray Charles

"Conecticut," Scary Chicken

"Wave Backward to Massachusetts," Hallelujah the Hills (I'm not actually sure this mentions Massachusetts, but it's kind of an irresistable song)

"Shut Out the Light," Bruce Springsteen (Maryland is kind of tangential, but Maryland is a hard state)

"Sweet Carolina Girls," General Johnson & the Chairmen (I'm using this for both South Carolina and North Carolina, but there's enough hormonal joy in here for both)

Bonus song: "Sweet Virginia," Rolling Stones (has nothing to do with states and is totally inappropriate for children, but at some point Spaceboy is going to have to start learning to be cool, and it might as well be now)

"New York, New York," Cat Power (I think this song scares Spaceboy a little bit)

"Rhode Island Is Famous for You," Erin McKeown (Spacewoman loves this one)

"Long Vermont Roads," Magnetic Fields (I probably should have used this for Missouri instead)

"Old Kentucky Home," Randy Newman

Bonus song: "Lincoln and Liberty," Dan Zanes

"Tennessee Jed," Grateful Dead (I wish there were an abridged version for this playlist)

"Nevada, California," The Jayhawks (cheating - it's about a town in California)

"Nebraska," Bruce Springsteen

"Colorado," Stephen Stills

"Rocky Raccoon," Beatles

"How Do You Get to South Dakota?," Travelin' Smiley Whippersnappers

"Idaho!," Daddy a Go-Go

"Wyoming," The Lucksmiths

"The Beehive State," Randy Newman

"So Long, It's Been Good to Know Yuh," Dan Zanes & John Doe (cheating -- it doesn't actually mention Oklahoma, but how could I leave off a song by Woodie Guthrie about the Dust Bowl sung half by John Doe?)

"New Mexico," Johnny Cash

Bonus song: "The Railroad Cars are Coming," Dan Zanes & Donald Saaf (Saaf is not a professional musician -- he is a painter and Zanes's brother-in-law -- but he is probably my favorite folk singer right now)

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