Goodbye, hurts but not as much

I have had a bit of a nightmare these last few weeks which is why I havent been blogging too often. I have lost two friends, both too early, one a young man, early forties who’s death was sudden and upsetting, this alone was bad, and I felt pretty shit about it and thought things were as bad as they could get, the same week my dad had to have his faithful and loyal dog Jake put to sleep, this in itself wasnt too painful for me as I knew it was necessary, but my dads heartbreak was hard to bear, this was surely the worst week ever and couldnt get worse?

The following morning I got a call to say my best friends father was dying, this man was pretty much a hero to me, a hard man with a huge caring side, he showed me what a man could be if he wanted to, the tough shell was just that and I realised through him that I could be both without giving up my macho side. He was a role model and friend and just seeing the pain of my best friend would have been hard but feeling it myself was so much worse. I was lucky enough to visit him at his bedside and be there for the last rites, I left the family to their privacy and he passed over during the night. I was devastated but knew my best mate needed me to be there for him and his family, I put aside the grief and did my part, yes we grieved together, reminisced and laughed as well as hugged and sobbed.

In the past one bereavement would have sent me spinning into a depression followed by rage that usually ended up with me having an intervention from the CMHT but I managed to stay on top of my emotions, I did worry I wasnt expressing the real pain i feel but have decided that’s because I am aware that others have a right to feel their own levels of grief, i am not competing to show who is hurt the most and maybe that’s quelled some of the pain and resentment. I know that neither of these men should have gone so young, they both left families who were unable to cope but I was there where I could be and survived, I am not saying this makes me a BPD survivor but its a huge leap from where I was.

I am visiting my dear friend at the chapel tomorrow and I am telling everyone I am there for my mate, and I am but its for me too, i loved this man and respected him greatly and I hope there is some small part of that will express emotion in a safe and sensible way before the funeral, I may not and in times to come it might be that I get a wave of negative feelings that I will have to manage, and if that happens I will no doubt blog about it.