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SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby.

UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed.

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others.

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

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TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

WASHINGTON—A 150 percent increase in teen pregnancy rates over the past decade has led more high schools to eliminate “Fuck Your Brains Out,” a national sexual education program that encourages adolescents to have sex frequently and with as many partners as possible, sources confirmed Thursday.

The federally funded program, whose mission is to “educate teens on the advantages of premarital sex and empower them to embrace a promiscuous lifestyle of banging the shit out of each other,” has reportedly contributed significantly to the spread of sexually transmitted infections and diseases among U.S. high school students.

“We tried the ‘Fuck Your Brains Out’ initiative for five years, and unfortunately, we did not find the results we were looking for,” said Principal Lynn Mullen of Conestoga High School in Pennsylvania, one of 4,000 public secondary schools currently teaching the course. “Until now, our approach to sexual education has been to teach kids to go hard now before they’re old, out of shape, and tied down with marriage and kids.”

“At this point, we need to reassess: Is this something that’s actually working?” Mullen continued. “Or are we ultimately doing more harm than good?”

According to its official website, “Fuck Your Brains Out” uses a five-lesson curriculum to communicate the advantages of premarital sex: “Living in the Moment,” in which teens learn to erase sexual boundaries and inhibitions; “Do Whatever Feels Good,” a workshop where students are paired up and given an hour to experiment sexually; “Condoms Are Uncomfortable,” a tutorial on avoiding the irritating pain caused by using prophylactics; and a screening of the film Don’t Worry About STDs, They’ll Find A Cure Eventually, which introduces students to common sexually transmitted diseases and explains how they shouldn’t worry about that right now.

Finally, the course concludes with a lecture called “Fuck Fuck Fuck,” which asks students to take a pledge vowing to have as much sex as humanly possible.

“Our message to teens is that you’re only young once; you’ll never be this attractive again, so you might as well go crazy and fuck as many people as you can,” said Tom Howard, a longtime lecturer who speaks with students about how his decision not to fuck his brains out nearly ruined his life. “I tell kids that when I was a teenager, I didn’t fuck my brains out and high school totally sucked. I was in a monogamous relationship and used messy spermicides and ill-fitting condoms. I don’t want that to happen to other kids.”

“It’s our duty to make sure students have the tools they need to pound each other dry,” Howard continued. “In the classroom, in the car, in the back of school dances, wherever.”

Starting in 2003 as part of the Bush administration’s No Child Left Behind Act, “Fuck Your Brains Out” was immediately popular, and high schools across the country were reporting perfect participation rates among students. The sexual education course, which was expanded and restructured under President Obama, has drawn critics, arguing that the curriculum’s emphasis on “banging until it burns” might be detrimental to young people.

According to a recent poll of American high school principals, 54 percent confirmed widespread gonorrhea was “a serious problem,” 43 percent said viral hepatitis was the most pressing issue, and 82 percent reported that almost every one of their students was suffering from genital herpes.

In response to criticism this week, “Fuck Your Brains Out” organizers defended their program and expressed its disappointment in schools’ decisions to discontinue the curriculum promoting licentious behavior.

“It’s distressing that educators would squash the enthusiasm that U.S. students showed for the ‘Fuck Your Brains Out’ program,” said national director Barbara Ramona. “You can slash funding, but then all we’re left with are ineffective workshops like “Just The Tip” and “Pull Out” that don’t encourage students to explore and pursue their most sexually depraved desires.”

“I’m pleased, however, that many schools have opted not to phase out the ‘Just Get An Abortion’ program,” Ramona added. “That gives me hope we’re finally making progress.”