Friday, June 01, 2012

Harbor The Ex Day!

She’s on the run after an anti-war protest gone wrong (a bystander got burned bad) so you want to let her stay in your basement until the heat dies down. Tell her that if your wife asks, the sex you two had was awful.

“But it was the best sex of my life,” your ex will say.

“Mine too. By a mile. But my wife has to think you were awful in bed in order for you to stay in our basement and hide from the Feds.”

Your ex won’t like it. “Lying about lovers isn’t my style.”

“She’ll report you,” tell your ex. “She’ll have you thrown in jail just to make sure we never have sex again.”

Your ex will ask if she should just open the conversation with a false evaluation of the sex you two shared, or should she wait until the topic comes up organically.

“Just be ready,” tell her. “I’m going to go upstairs and tell my wife that you’re down here. When she comes down, she’s probably going to try and get a sense of the sexual connection is between you and I. She’ll probably just talk to you, and watch you talk to me, to see if there’s any spark. Just put all thoughts of sex out of your mind. Try to forget we were ever anything but good friends.”

“That’s impossible,” your ex will say.

“I know,” tell her. “But just try. My wife is very perceptive. She has ways of figuring out the connections between people. If she wants to know what our sexual chemistry is, trust me, she’ll find a way to figure it out.”

Your ex will agree to do her best. Go upstairs and tell your wife about her. After about ten minutes, you and your wife will come downstairs so you can introduce your wife to your ex.

“I want to watch the two of you fuck,” your wife will say to your ex.

Neither of you will move an inch.

“Take off your clothes and have intercourse,” your wife will say. “I want to know what the sexual kinship is between the two of you, and there’s no other way to do that but to watch you be entered by my husband. Have sex while I watch or I’ll call the police.”

“Told you she’d figure out a way,” you tell your ex as you take off your pants.

“You’re good,” your ex will say to your wife.

“The best,” your wife will say while watching your ex get naked.

“We’ll see about that,” your ex will say. She’ll climb atop you while your wife opens a Diet Pepsi and makes herself comfortable in an armchair.