As school returns, this one bears repeating. Perhaps not to the initial recipient – my eldest child as she is no longer at home – but for the younger child who has taken on the role of ungrateful fucking teen with GUSTO.

As you can see by the date I wrote this some time ago to Maddie after a little altercation over an unwashed school jumper.

Boo and I had a similar discussion over an ACDC tshirt and a toe to toe nose to nose argument over what he would like served for the evening meal.

Apparently my children are unclear about what their rights actually ARE.

Let me enlighten them.

Feel free to print this out and give it to your own ungrateful little shit darlings.

Dear Eldest Child,

Household domestic duties

I am writing to you today in reference to our conversation this morning, 16 June 2009, when you expressed your dismay at an article of clothing not being laundered. I understand your dissatisfaction stemmed from your belief that your needs were not being met by a member of our household, triggering my letter to you today.

Under the Geneva Convention ‘rights of a child’ (as Part 1 Article 1 states: ‘For the purposes of the present Convention, a child means every human being below the age of eighteen years unless, under the law applicable to the child, majority is attained earlier’, so this would be YOU for the next couple of months anyway) the adults of your household are required by moral and lawful grounds to provide you with adequate food and shelter, also ensuring that you have the means to acquire an education to the standards set by the country of your origin. There is no provision that states that specific articles of clothing have to be laundered to your satisfaction nor that any other member of the household must psychically appreciate your requirements.

Upon researching your grievances, I came across ‘laundering’ but I don’t believe this pertains to your issue, as it refers to laundering of children and I am of the understanding that you prefer to bathe without the assistance of the person who which you hold this grievance.

Given the opportunity to reflect on your inference that I am in fact ‘lazy’ for not making the particular item available to you in the state you believe you have a right to find it, your general demeanour around the time of your statements, and my desire to live up to the expectations of my offspring, I have made available to you:

a copy of the Geneva Convention and United Nations Declaration of the right of a child, with relevant paragraphs highlighted for your convenience. It is translated into many languages but alas, not Emo nor spoiled fucking princess

clean drinking water from the tap

nutritious food for you to prepare to your liking

a box of laundry power

the phone number of the local taxi service

and a huge fucking BITE ME

And, on request, I can issue you with detailed instructions on how to use the washing machine (again), the oven (again), stovetop and microwave. The offer to kiss my arse is readily available also.

If you have any further questions or requests please forward these in writing to someone who gives a flying fuck, or consult with your local United Nations representative, whose number I would provide if I wasn’t so goddamn lazy.

The expectations don’t automatically stop when they turn 18 unfortunately. I still have two (plus girlfriends) hanging around at home and ingratitude can be overwhelming at times. I’ll have to remember to use the phrase ‘bite me’ more often.

I agree with Char – it doesn’t automatically stop when they turn 18. Thankfully K went overseas when she was 22 and, I am absolutely certain that, whenever she does come home, her attitude will be very different to what it was before she went away having been a pseudo-parent to N – she learned really quickly why I used to complain about glasses and plates being left around the house, crumbs on the kitchen bench, butter left out the fridge etc etc.
Sending heaps of hugs your way xox

I remember this from when I first went trawling through your archives.
I had (not quite) similar laundry issues with my kids.
Child:”My (whatever) hasn’t been washed!”
Me:”Did you put it in the laundry basket?”
Child:”no”
Me:”Well then, that’s your fault not mine.”
Child:”but I need it today!”
Me: “sponge off the worst spots and wear it as is”
Child: “grumble grumble”
We never had any all-out wars though, my kids are all pretty peaceable, like me.