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Inside the DC Talk Cruise

A crowd mingles in the ship’s banquet hall. In the back of the room is an all-you-can-eat buffet, which consists (as all meals on the cruise do) of nothing but Chick-fil-A sandwiches. On the banquet stage, Christian author Jon Acuff is warming up the crowd:

JON ACUFF: [scans audience, discreetly checking for Dave Ramsey] hey, I see Patheos sent some bloggers to cover the cruise! You guys are neat.

TARGET EMPLOYEES: You thought you could boycott us and we wouldn’t fight back? Today is the day of your reckoning!

[door flies open]

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [looks around] GOOD GOSH GOLLY ALMIGHTY I DON’T LIKE A SINGLE PERSON IN THIS ROOM

JON ACUFF: Christianity is under attack, Mr. Graham!

TARGET EMPLOYEES: You can’t stop us, Graham! Bathrooms are just the beginning. We will flood your churches with gluten-free communion wafers! We will clothe your worship leaders in yoga pants! We will spike the punch bowls of your Christian homeschool proms with non-alcoholic beer AND THEY WILL GET DRUNK ANYWAY

There is a massive grinding sound and the walls of the room shake violently. The ship has hit an iceberg!

DC Talk, their DJ, the Patheos bloggers, Acuff, and all the Target employees race above deck to climb into lifeboats. Finally only Franklin Graham and Hologram Rich Mullins are alone in the bowels of the listing ship.

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [completely unconcerned] So what’s happenin’, Dick

RICH MULLINS HOLOGRAM: I’m a hologram. It has its ups and downs

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: So how in the Sam Hill did this ship hit an iceberg in the Caribbean?

Bill Gaither has vanished. Did he drown in the rising water, or did he slip away? Who knows. Franklin Graham and Hologram Rich Mullins climb through the ship and reach the deck. Just as the ship is about to capsize, a small speedboat pulls up alongside the cruise ship. Inside the speedboat are three women.

POINT OF GRACE: YOU BOYS NEED A RIDE

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: GALLDANG WHO CALLED JOB’S DAUGHTERS

Graham and Hologram Rich Mullins climb aboard the speedboat and Point of Grace steer the boat back toward land.

HOLOGRAM RICH MULLINS: [plays hammered dulcimer, with feeling] Sorry I had to bother you ladies. 4Him wouldn’t answer their phones

At that moment, a lone figure on a jet ski approached. He pulled up alongside the speedboat and slowly, dramatically took off his sunglasses

CARMAN: Yo did somebody call for a Sanctified Sicillian cause I got dancin’ in my bones and I’m sendin’ praises to the throne and somebody better tell that ol’ devil to get outta my way cuz Imma bout to get Holy Ghost Cray up in here can I get an Amen-elujah BAM I just made up a word