Sobriety, love, music and choosing life.

This is a happy day for so many reasons, but the best thing of all is, today, my Godchild is 21 years old.

I think back to this day in the hospital room when her parents asked me to be her Godmother and I feel so happy I could be sober and be granted this precious station in life. My Godchild has been the most amazing teacher to me. I have learned to love so deeply and so completely by having this sweet little spirit in my life. I was 5 months and 19 days sober when she was born. (Her parents didn’t know any one sober. Maybe this is why I got the job LOL kidding… sorta.)

I am so happy and grateful and blessed and honored to have had the spiritual experience of being a mother.

If you give up the drink does that mean you are weak, that you can’t “handle” your liquor?

When you say alcohol is stronger than you are, does that mean you have failed?

Some of us have the disease of alcoholism and yes, alcohol is stronger than us if we put it in our bodies, but we are stronger than alcohol, if we don’t drink.

This goes for alcohol in other people’s bodies as well. I can’t stop you from drinking too much, but I can take care of myself and not be affected by what you ingest.

Is a relationship a failure if it does not stay together?

When a relationship breaks up, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t work out. It just means it worked out apart.

Trying to force a dead relationship to work is like trying to control drinking for an alcoholic.

Giving up alcohol was so much easier than trying to control it and act like all was fine. Those last few drinking years were the hardest of my life. It took all my energy to make it all look good on the outside so no one knew I was miserable. I even tried to make my relationship look like it was fine too and that was a huge joke.

I just didn’t want to admit powerlessness.

I thought I was in control. Like I had some kind of mind control. Everything all in its place, looking the part, all neat and controlled, but inside, I was outa control for real. Besides I wasn’t fooling any one really.

False Pride is failure in my book.

Why be something that you’re not?

Now I choose the easier softer way…

It looks like quite a feat to give up alcohol for 21 years, but really it has been an amazing fun adventure.

Creep 1994

Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You’re so fucking special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I’m not around
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell I’m doing here?
I don’t belong here

She’s running out the door
She’s running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

The words in that step used to piss me off, because Bill W. and Dr. Bob already defined my Higher Power as “Him.”

However, over twenty one years, I have softened and remembered that the modern days have become more inclusive of all kinds of interpretations of who our Higher Power is to us, personally.

It makes it a lot easier for us to come into the rooms and allow something greater than ourselves run the show.

When I first got sober, I was in a relationship in which, I was so controlling of my partner that it made me physically sick. I had just started the steps and had come to Step Three. I was in the illusion I was calling the shots in the relationship and behind my back, my partner was lying about the affairs they were having.(I hope this person is happy. I pray for all to have the good will of our Higher Power in our lives, including this ex)

I began to wake up to all the shenanigans and my partner left. I like to think they left, because now, my Higher Power was running the show and lies could not stand in the light of truth. The truth all came out in a really magical way, thanks to two very good friends who helped me out of that bondage.

By myself, I believed what I wanted to hear. I was so busy trying to control every thing, spying on my partner, feeling the dishonesty, it took up a lot of my energy and creativity and time. Not to mention I was blocking a very important relationship with someone very special. When I let go and joined up with my Higher Power, the liar left and I began to really grow up. I lived alone for a while. In fact, I have been alone many times in sobriety and I learn a lot about myself. I don’t feel sorry for myself very long. I understand I am never alone with my AA family and my Higher Power as constant presence in my life. I do the work and it pays off.

There is beauty in the breakdown.

This Growing Up in Public thing takes a lot of courage. To admit defeat over alcohol and people and let go and trust my Higher Power was the biggest step I took. This step I practice daily, some times hourly and I don’t always get what I want, but I sure as HELL get what I need!

God laughs while we are busy making plans.

My sponsor says it’s like getting in a rowboat and letting go of the oars and going with the current.

I am super grateful for this step.

Trust, faith and surrender.

Let Go

Frou Frou

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we’ve no time for later now
you can’t await your own arrival
you’ve 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

Is it really possible to save face and get your self out of deep trouble?

Meetings, having a therapist or a sponsor to talk to or clergyman or a good friend give us the opportunity to admit our shortcomings and take action.

It is not always easy to admit when we are wrong or that some thing just isn’t working in our lives. In fact, most of us would like to just hide away and let it all go by, let it all take care of itself. Meanwhile, our problems are driving a Maserati and have gone ahead of us and eaten chile at truck stop and are waiting for us at our destination. There is no geographical cure and no other way out but to admit our powerlessness and the exact nature of our wrongs.

The trick is really seeing what those problems are. Denial is such a strong force.

If you can answer yes to more than a few of the following questions, you are probably a love addict.

Remember that love addiction comes in many forms, so even if you don’t answer yes to all of the questions you may still be a love addict.

You are very needy when it comes to relationships.

You fall in love very easily and too quickly.

When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.

Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.

When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.

More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.

Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.

When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.

Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.

When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.

When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.

You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.

Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.

In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.

You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.

You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.

More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.

You are terrified of never finding someone to love.

You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.

You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.

You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).

When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.

You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).

More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.

You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.

You have stayed with an abusive person.

Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.

You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.

You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.

When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.

More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.

You have no impulse control when you are in love.

You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.

More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.

You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.

If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.

Love is the most important thing in the world to you.

Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.

As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.

You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.

Here’s one of my fave bands with a little obsession song for Valentine’s Day..

Enjoy

Dandy Warhols I Love You

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I only just met you before
But I can’t understand you don’t want me more
You maybe think I’m too smart and weird,
But that should only make you want to hear that…

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,

You make me feel really unsure,
But that should just make you feel secure.
Although we’ve only known each other a bit
Already I can’t sleep at night and I feel like shit.
That’s right.