The one thing I'm scared to admit about my mentally ill son

Since choosing to speak publicly about his battle with mental illness - primarily anxiety with episodes of depression - I've happily responded to any and all questions about him.

If that's what it takes to remove the stigma from mental illness, if that's what it takes for my son to know his illness is not his fault, if that's what it takes for Australia's horrific youth suicide rate to fall, then I'm happy to talk.

But there's one thing I've been reluctant to admit. One thing I've been too scared to say. It's a pattern I've noticed during the two-plus years Philip has been battling mental illness.

Today, however, I'm ready to say it, out loud, with joy.

My son Philip, 13, is happy.

Parents living with a child with mental illness have just chuckled and shaken their heads. They know how much it has taken me to admit this, to say it out loud without knocking on wood or crossing my fingers.

To be able to acknowledge the reprieve.

They know how much I've tried to avoid saying it, just in case I jinx it. Like I have some sort of magical power over his disease.

I wish.

(Instagram @joabi961)

When you have a child with mental illness, it's scary to admit when they are doing well, because you've been there so many times before and it's never lasted.

So you decide to stop saying it. You no longer use words like 'good', 'happy', 'settled', 'better' when discussing your child.

Earlier this year my son was fighting for his life, and I was fighting right alongside him. It was lonely, isolating, confusing and terribly scary.

It's the first rule of parenting. KEEP THEM ALIVE!

And I was struggling to do even that.

I can't pinpoint one thing that has worked for him. I think it's been a combination of all the right care which has taken years and thousands of dollars to find.

For him it's been his time earlier this year in the psych ward and the local children's hospital, me making our home safer, our new psychologist, finding the right combination of medication and giving it time to work, fresh air and exercise, good sleep hygiene, constant conversations about how he is feeling and lastly, the perfect school.

I've always thought that the true measures of Philip's wellness would be when he did two things:

Went back to school;

Wanted to spend time with his friends.

Both happened last week, and my beautiful boy hasn't looked back.

(Instagram @joabi961)

Just two weeks ago I organised for him to meet up with his best friend in our new home and he had a panic attack so bad, we spent the night in hospital. We ended up figuring out that it was a combination of seeing his best friend for the first time since he became really ill earlier this year, in our new home, after I had left his dad.

It was a panic attack so severe that I wouldn't have been suprised if it had turned out to be appendicitis.

Also, two nights ago he had a meltdown over something innocuous. It turned out he was late taking his medication.

But, two steps forward and one step back still means we are moving forward.

Now Philip is at a new school and has new friends.

He is engaged, socialising, motivated and energetic.

And I feel as though I finally have my son back.

I know it may not last. I know his anxiety is hovering over us, waiting to strike again, but we have a plan in place, a plan we've used, a plan we know will work and if it doesn't, medical professionals who will help us figure out a new plan.

But key to that plan has been an amazing, understanding school that believes him, understands mental illness, is happy for Philip to do whatever he needs to take care of himself and is a truly safe space for him.

So for now, until the next time the illness strikes, I plan to bask in my son's wellness.

And remind him to as well.

It's an achievement by both of us, a job well done, one that deserves acknowledgement, no matter how fleeting it is.

(Beyond Blue)

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.