THE RUNDOWN

TUESDAY, AUGUST 29

The Daily Show in reruns. Again.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30

KB Homes (the real estate developers) and Martha Stewart (the bitchy, horse-faced homemaking queen/convicted felon) announce the opening of the 125-home Olive Grove community near Perris, which will “feature homes inspired by Martha’s personal residences in Maine, Connecticut and New York,” the press release threatens. Stewart’s “inspiration” will be seen in the homes’ interiors, flooring, bath and kitchen fixtures and paint colors, among other things. It makes sense. Martha has already inspired her own definitions on urbandictionary.com, which Rundown is pretty sure the Olive Grove realtors don’t want you clicking up, so we’ll list the best entries here:

MARTHA STEWART

1) “An act of defecation-related revenge. When thoroughly aggravated by a friend or loved one, discreetly remove a towel or sheet from the bottom of their linen closet. Carefully unfold said article, take a hearty steaming shit, refold to conceal fecal surprise, and replace at the bottom of the pile. Typically the ‘Martha Stewart’ is not discovered until the entire closet smells like a Tijuana whorehouse.”

2) “After intercourse, when the male gets up to leave the female’s place, he wipes his penis on her curtains.”

THURSDAY, AUGUST 31

Colbert in reruns. Again.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

You can’t get much lower than hating on sweet, innocent, all-American Girl Scouts, but that’s just what Murrieta and the Murrieta Valley Unified School District’s been doing to Troop 184, whose members were all set to take part in the Sept. 21 Day of Peace by planting homemade pinwheels (part of the international Pinwheels for Peace program) at various points in the district and on city property—until they ran into the bloodthirsty warmongers at district headquarters and Murrieta city hall. “The city won’t allow it and neither will the school district,” Scout Leader Deborah Pease tells the Temecula Valley News. “We were told we might offend some people.” Gee—Rundown can’t think of anything more offensive than war. For the school district’s explanation, we go to spokeswoman Karen Paris, speaking through her butt: “The official Pinwheels for Peace web site proclaims that this day is about tolerance, peace of mind, cooperation and freedom from conflict with groups of people. After researching this event further, one of the stated purposes of the Day of Peace is to call for a ceasefire of the war in Iraq.” Yeah, y’know—peace. “Since we are a community rich in military families,” Paris continues, “we do not want to offend those families or discount the sacrifices they are making by joining in or promoting Pinwheels for Peace or the Day of Peace,” Instead, the troop might walk neighborhoods on the 21st and plant them on lawns. “We’ve got 750 homeless pinwheels,” Pease says.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2

Crazy-ass Adam Gadahn shows his face again, appearing on a videotape with al-Qaeda deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri. Gadahn—who grew up home-schooled on a Riverside County farm, where he helped raise goats—states that he wants to correct the image Americans have of Islam. He then proceeds to do a really shitty job of it, blathering that no Muslim should “shed tears” for Westerners killed by al-Qaeda attacks. “(Ignorance of Islam) causes the people of the West to rapturously applaud when Israel perpetrates wholesale slaughter of Muslims in Lebanon and Palestine and leads them to give their consent to the atrocities that governments commit in Afghanistan, Iraq and elsewhere in the Muslim world.” Dude, don’t be such a hater! Gadahn is the textbook example of why the Rundown thinks atheism is the only true path to eternal salvation: before discovering Islam, Gadahn was raised a Christian, and his grandfather was Jewish. Gadahn was also way into heavy metal—throw in a little Ozzy worship, and you’ve got one seriously screwed-up kid who, if he hadn’t shacked up with his Qaeda homeboys, undoubtedly would be leading his own Kool-Aid-chugging cult by now.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

The Press-Enterprise notes that David Lynch’s new flick Inland Empire will premiere this week at the Venice Film Festival, but the advance buzz has us rolling our eyes so often it’s a wonder we don’t get vertigo. We read it’s “a plotless collection of snippets,” including “a Hollywood story about a young actress who gets a part in a film that might be cursed; a story about the smuggling of women from Eastern Europe; and an abstract story about a family of people with rabbit heads sitting around in a living room” (that last one is obviously where the audience is supposed to drop acid). Then there’s this summation: “A mesmerizing surge through countless looking glasses that lands us on the far side of the land of nightmares.” Wow! It sounds . . . positively vomitous. Y’know, Rundown thinks Lynch is a crashing bore, so all-over-the-place that we long ago vowed that if Dennis Hopper ain’t howling “Mommy! Baby wants to fuuuck!” in it, then we’ll never see another of his movies again. Far more interesting is what IE citizens would put into their ownInland Empire film, if they had the chance, like Christopher Floyd, who tells the P-E “If I were to make a movie (about the Inland Empire), it would have to be racially diverse . . . about a black guy with a white uncle who married a Hispanic woman who has a Korean daughter who’s dating an Indian who drove to her house in a quad to pick her up for a hot date at the Mission Inn. And everyone in the movie would have a mullet, including the women and the black guy.” Now that would be worth ten bucks! Maybe.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 4

The last car waiting to get into the California Speedway parking lot for the big NASCAR race finally does. Too bad the thing ended yesterday.