Spoiler alert: I like the name of this blog entry more than I should, probably because you can alter the meaning of the phrase “Our Secret Swinger Code” several different ways by inserting an apostrophe or placing the emphasis on a different word. But when you say the title out loud, put the emphasis on “Our” because my main point is that you and your partner(s) should have your OWN secret code to communicate, in addition to the extremely detailed common code we all share in the lifestyle.

Unless you are true newbies, you’re probably familiar with the common verbal swinger code: the widespread use of terms like vanilla, full swap, BBC, BBW, HWP, D & D free, and Eiffel Tower, to name a few.

There are also isolated applications of a non-verbal swinger code, but these have yet to become standard in the global swinging community — different colored wristbands meaning different interests, the use of a black ring, etc — probably because we can’t all agree on a color scheme to match all our different sex costumes. (“Does red mean stop or go? To hell with it, I’m wearing one of each.”)

Let the swinger theorists duke out their rainbow of fruity wristbands in their Ivory Tower — I care more for the nitty gritty, the secret code betwixt me and my lover that not even Professor Langdon can break!

Behold a few examples of *our* secret swinger code that we use publicly in the vanilla world:

Muggle. noun. ‘mə-gəl – 1. a non-swinger. 2. a non-wizard, i.e. a regular human. Example: “Do we have to go to Katie’s party on Friday? It’s a work friend’s birthday thing — won’t be nothing but muggles there.”

Bungalow. noun. ˈbəŋ-gə-ˌlō – 1. another person, probably vanilla, who is encroaching on naked/sexual fun time. 2. a house of some kind. Example: “Just one more photo of you naked, petting the plastic reindeer for our friends to perv on…. Crap, it’s a bungalow — run!”

Seriously, we use those terms.

But this post is not on expose on our public shenanigans, it’s a discussion-stimulating catalyst for you and your partner to polish your own secret lovers code for use *around other swingers,* especially when discussing an offer to make to others or discussing an offer made to you (as described in How to gracefully decline an offer).

First, let us imagine the easier scenario: When you make the offer.

In our Swinging for Newbies class, Lynn illustrates this scenario with one of her favorite stories, as related to her from a veteran swinging couple.

Two couples are sitting around a dinner table. Hank and Linda are a couple and they haven’t yet broached the “sex tonight?” subject with their new friends, Joe and Mary. This is how they do it in their secret lovers code:

Hank: So, Linda, what do you think about hitting the lake this weekend for some fishing?

Linda: Oh golly, Hank, I don’t know. It looks like it might rain. I think I’d rather go to the new outlet mall.

Hank: That sounds like a fun time. I’ll join you — just for the “halibut”!

Mary: Hank, you are too funny.

Joe: Mary, don’t encourage him!

(Laughs all around. Secret swinger code used, no offer made.)

Of course, it just as easily could go the other way:

Hank: So, Linda, what do you think about hitting the lake this weekend for some fishing?

Linda: I’m all for it. In fact, I’d like to bring my new pole and really go explore that cove we found last time.

Hank: Oh, you know how I love small mouth bass, Linda!

Linda: So, Mary, Joe, — want to go have sex?

Joe: Check please!

(Exit all, with Linda holding her hands far apart to demonstrate the size of her new pole to Mary.)

There is, of course, a third option, what the Buddhists call “the middle path,” but it’s not nearly as funny so I won’t give you a full example. Just imagine Linda saying that she’s not sure yet about fishing and she wants to wait and see closer to the weekend. Whatever. Guys, that means to check back later and *don’t push it.*

Okay, clearly you can’t all use the fishing code because that’s already taken, so think up your OWN secret lovers lingo and be clear about what each response means. And you can’t use Navajo because that one’s taken too.

It is also possible to use a non-verbal code involving hand gestures, but don’t turn it into a 3rd base coach routine. Keep it simple: I look at Wetanika, then look at the couple in question. I knock on the table twice. She calmly knocks back once for “no” or twice for “yes.” For example.

But what if we may want to accept but we need to check in with each other first? Well, you can’t use code now that it’s explicit, can you?

This is what I call my New Age-y moment:

…

Hank: Oh, you know how I love small mouth bass, Linda!

Linda: So, Mary, Joe, — want to go have sex?

Joe: Wow, that’s a great offer and it sounds like a lot of fun. We were up late last night though. Mary, what’s your *energy* like?

Mary: Ehhh, I’m more on a sleep groove, but I could possibly rise up to a higher plane of sexual congress. Let me just go freshen up and check on my chakras.

(Mary gets up from the table. While walking away, she knocks once for “no” on Joe’s head. Joe has the opportunity to lower expectations so Mary doesn’t have to be the “bad guy.”)

Of course, if you are truly ambivalent about sex, you really can play it by ear and decide later. But this technique will buy you time and get you some brownie points for maturity. And by using energy-speak you can put the blame on the planets or crystals or something.

A final option, which I find works 100% of the time, is to just avoid the topic at dinner all together. On the way to the bar, you ask your wife what she thinks. Then you tell the other guy discreetly using Lynn’s favorite no-pressure, pick-up line: “If you asked us to join you in the hot tub later, we would definitely say yes!” Or you send the girls to the rest room together to chat it out. But you already knew that.