Friday, December 30, 2016

Grace...

December 30, 2006...I remember pacing a small hallway of the hospital just outside of the large waiting room area. I was on the phone with a dear mentor-friend trying to make sense of things as my husband had been wheeled into emergency surgery moments before I was able to get to the hospital. I'll never forget the words on the other end of the receiver: "I'm praying for God to prepare your heart, whether that is to grieve or to rejoice."

I remember the doctor coming to speak to me after the surgery. I think he could tell my fragile state of mind as he tried to speak somehow gently yet very bluntly to my 24 year old self.

Cancer.

A big dose of reality had just plummeted itself into my lap, and I felt buried underneath its weight.

I had been struggling with contentment for quite some time. I was working a job that I wasn't very good at that was far from what I had dreamed of doing after graduating from college. Our dear friends had just given birth to a precious baby girl, and month after month my heart felt like it was being ripped out when I discovered, over and over, that we weren't pregnant, too. And yet, in an instant, none of that mattered, because all I wanted was for my husband to be okay. I remember feeling so guilty for not liking my job and for being so depressed about not having a baby. The Lord met me in that hallway and again in that waiting room as I struggled to lay it all at His feet. He met me again on old wooden floors of our guest room back in our house as I beat my fists on the ground and cried out in anguish before Him. He met me again on the rural roads in my silver mustang driving back and forth to work with my hopes feeling as bare as the corn fields in their off season. He would continue to meet me again and again, without fail, to catch every single tear that fell from my face as I cried out to Him in pain, in hurt, in confusion, in desperation...He met me there, at every single emotion, not to chastise me for forgetting about His faithfulness, goodness, and perfect plan. No, my Jesus simply met me there with grace. I wanted answers; He gave me grace. I wanted healing; He gave me grace. I wanted the desires of my heart to be met in my way and my timing; He gave me grace.

And it was enough.

His grace would protect me through my work day. His grace would guard me through each visit with the oncologist. His grace would comfort me through each day that my arms remained empty. His grace covered me through my worry, my selfishness, my doubts...

As I sit here today, reflecting on a decade of life the Lord has gifted to DH and me, I realize how blessed I am to have the hindsight of what He was doing in so many situations I struggled deeply with. And I also realize how blessed I am to continue to face trials with unknown outcomes, because through them all, God is gifting me with the opportunity to draw closer to Him. When you face a mountain, you don't climb it carelessly; you grip firmly into the grooves of the rock and hold on tightly between each step. And that's exactly how God prepares our heart to grieve or to rejoice, because He uses the times of struggle to teach us how to cling firmly into His Truths. When we come to God out of desperation, He is able to teach us to be desperate for Him.

As I sit here today, ten years later, I find days where I'm so exhausted that it seems I don't have the strength to stand securely on those stone grooves. And that's when I feel Him grasp securely on to my weak hands, because even in my exhaustion, my struggles, my uncertainty, and my confusion, His grace still covers me, and it is still enough.

About Me

I go by many names, but my favorites are wife and mommy. The lengthier version though is I am a 29(+6) year old wife of 15 years to my very best friend who I serve alongside in Christian ministry. I teach piano lessons in our home and am a Norwex independent sales consultant (http://www.Paula-BethToller.norwex.biz), but mostly I stay busy as a stay-at-home mommy to our four miracle babies: Lucy: 10, Gabriel: 5, Annie: 3, and Evangeline: 1.
We began this blog to chronicle our adoption journey in 2012. That journey has shaped us so much as a family, so we continue this blog as a way to journal through all God is teaching us as a family. He truly writes the best stories!