"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view – until you climb into his skin and walk around in it," parped some old sod in some old book the Mill has long forgotten the title to. But last night, two cups of something purple past the Mill's bedtime, that sod of advice came hurtling back like a boomerang on heat. Ignoring the advice of Persephone, the decision was made to feet first it into the Mill's back catalogue and see how the skin of its beloved readers felt. Five miserable minutes later, the Mill emerged with a concrete block pattern permanently tattooed into its forehead and a desire to do better in future. The Mill knows now what it's gotta do. It's gotta clean up its act. No more joking around all the time. No more slacking off at work. And most importantly, no more booze! *Throws one more purple drink down throat* The Mill knows it can do it. Let's go.

Frank Lampard to Everton. Boom! Frank Lampard to the LA Galaxy. Kablamo! Frank Lampard to stay at Chelsea. Boooosh! OK, you got us, the last one isn't true – jeez, this no joke thing is hella hard to shake off – but the first two are genuine rumours that the Mill looked up on a quote-unquote "search engine" as part of its new-found work ethic. Yep, old blue eyes, like stability, cohesion and a mature approach to running a club, ain't wanted no more down Stamford Bridge way and Lamps has been given a stark choice as to where he can continue his career. A crime-ridden city struck down by gang warfare and dense pollution; or LA. Honk! Honk! The Mill knows which one it would go for but not the one that Frankie feels for. If, however, he plumps for Merseyside, he will pick up a three-year deal and £80,000 every period of seven successive days, usually understood as beginning with Sunday and ending with Saturday.

It's rollin' on 60 years now since Arsène Wenger spent any money on anything and rollin' on 90 since he bought a defensive midfielder for Arsenal. But they don't call Wenger the Professor for nothing. Oh no. Le Prof sat down at his table, got out his maths book, did some really hard long division sums and came to the conclusion that a lack of a midfielder born with the talent to tackle is indeed hurting the club's chances of a̶t̶t̶r̶a̶c̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶e̶i̶g̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶v̶e̶s̶t̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶t̶e̶n̶d̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶e̶r̶e̶s̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶F̶F̶P winning silverware. And so Wenger sent his chief scout north of the border to watch Celtic's Victor Wanyama. If Neil Lennon says you're more likely to see him applying for the role of the head cheerleader Courtney in a high-school drama also staring Wendell Pierce as the stern bur fair headmasterwith a dark past and Mark-Paul Gosselaar as the school's star quarterback who is caught up in the drugs game than handing over Wanyama, then Wenger will turn his fluttering eyelashes to the West Ham warrior, Mohamed Diamé.

However, Arsenal fans, as the Mill gives good news with one hand it must impart bad news with the other. You thought you were shut of André Santos didn't you? You dusted down your hands and believed that 5868-odd south-west miles ought to keep that full-back flop from ever reappearing in north London ever again. Well apparently that ain't the case as Santos has vowed that he will return to the club from his loan spell at Grêmio, possibly even to play football. "The idea is to go there, play well and be able to come back strong. Do I have a future at the club? For sure." The Mill thought it would bold up that last bit just in case you somehow managed to skip over it or did your best to ignore it.

Now the Mill knows that Brendan Rodgers likes to chill out and have a joke just as much as the rest of us. But, of late, Brendan has been worried. Worried about the identity of the next pope, worried about the unlawful nature of the "work-for-your-benefit" employment schemes, but what he is most worried about is the form of his goalkeeper, Pepe Reina. But fear not, followers of Liverpool, for Brendan has a plan. He has £1m in used bank notes and he is sending them in a neat, black briefcase on next-day delivery to the offices of Viborg. Once the money has arrived and been signed for, Viborg will send the 18-year-old actual shotstopper Kevin Ray Mendoza Hansen in the reverse direction of the briefcase. And with that all wrapped up in a pretty, little bow, Brendan himself will tell Pepe to do one to whereverabouts will have him.

And finally, Newcastle have decided that they are dangerously underweight in the French department and so will cross the Channel to pick up Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Nicolas Isimat-Mirin. Yeah, the Mill had never heard of them either.