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Being Attractive is Attractive Enough

A number of years ago, I saw in psychotherapy a divorced woman who was interested in finding someone to date. She did not consider herself particularly choos1y, and she thought of herself as “sort of” attractive; but she had not connected with any man for a considerable period of time. She was troubled, in particular, by what happened repeatedly when she went to singles dances or to bars with her best friend, whom she regarded as “really” attractive. Men frequently approached them only to end up paying attention to her friend and not to her. She wondered whether she was attractive enough to compete. In a more general sense, she was asking whether men are interested solely in dating the most attractive woman they can find.

The answer is “no.” I wished that I could have been present at those times when she and her friend went on these excursions so that I could figure out exactly what was going wrong; but based on what men had told me over the years, I was sure that physical attractiveness, although important initially, is never the most important factor that causes them to talk to one woman rather than another. Or to be interested in dating one woman rather than another. In fact, there are some men who are intimidated by women who are beautiful and will consciously seek out someone less attractive. I could not know for sure, but judging by my patient’s behavior in other situations, I guessed she was probably too shy and retiring to make much of an impression in these difficult and high-pressure social situations. I thought it was possible that she did not smile at such times—when she was anxious.

Attractiveness

It is worth noting, first of all, that physical attractiveness is never just a matter of face and figure. Physical beauty can be summarized briefly. Someone with symmetrical features and a body that seems to be young and not extremely fat or thin, or extreme in any other way, can be said to be more or less beautiful. Attractiveness is something more complex. A man, looking at a woman for the first time (or a woman looking at a man) will respond to the way that person stands or sits, the way he or she smiles, or is quiet or animated, the way he/she responds to others, and to the way that person is groomed and dressed. That initial impression determines whether that person seems attractive or not. But the odd thing is that what strikes one person as attractive will seem unattractive to someone else. No one way of appearing will seem attractive to everyone. Not only that, what is attractive, or unattractive, to a particular person at a particular time may seem quite the opposite at another time and place. Not uncommonly someone goes unnoticed until he/she begins to talk, and then abruptly seems very attractive. I think that experience is more the rule than the exception.

It is worth underlining some of these facts about personal attractiveness:

What seems attractive in someone of the opposite sex (or for those inclined, someone of the same sex) will not seem attractive to someone else. In fact, often precisely what seems attractive—being dressed casually, just to mention one of a number of such things—will seem unappealing or plainly off-putting to someone else. Attractiveness is not an intrinsic physical quality, but a combination of appearance and behavior.

Attractiveness is important initially, and less so as time goes on. Or, to be more accurate, someone who is seen to be attractive initially will likely years later still be considered attractive by his or her partner unless there is a dramatic change in appearance, such as gaining a great deal of weight.

Often the circumstances in which people meet color their attractiveness. These factors, also, are very many. Someone might be attracted to a man or woman who seems to be at the focus of a conversation, or who is in a position of power in a business or some other institution, or who is demonstrating a skill or talent, or who seems to be poised in the face of an argument, and so on. On the other hand, a man who is belligerent will seem unattractive. Being at a party with glamorous or famous individuals may make any one of them seem more attractive than they would be in some other setting.

For that reason, it is frequently true that someone who seems to a man or woman to be “not my type” will seem more attractive later on if he or she is funny or discovered to be doing something exciting. Someone else who is manifestly kind usually becomes more attractive. On the other hand, a person who reveals ignorance or prejudice, or is just plain stupid, will rapidly lose his or her appeal whatever first impression that person may have made a few minutes previously.

As is obvious from the above, whether or not someone seems attractive depends critically on the observer. It has been said that a person who seems attractive during the evening may lose attractiveness to his/her partner “the morning after.” I suppose this is true, but not often. What is more typically true is that someone who is intoxicated may judge a man or woman to be appealing yet feel differently when sobriety returns.

Finally, when I ask a patient why their spouse appeared attractive to them at first, not uncommonly they respond by saying, “he/she liked me!”

It matters at the beginning of a relationship that each person finds the other attractive. It is not important that one or both be a “ten” on a scale of one to ten. Whether or not a man or woman is more or less attractive than someone else standing nearby does not matter. Being attractive is attractive enough. It is as if a switch operates in everyone. If the person they are looking at is attractive, the switch clicks over to the “on” position. If it is on, it is on. It can’t be more on with someone else. Once someone is attractive enough, other aspects of personality matter more.

I think there is a moral to this story. No one should agonize endlessly trying to put a polish on themselves. No one should struggle to be the most attractive person in the room, or even as attractive as possible. It’s too much trouble. Try to appear nicely dressed and groomed. That’s enough. Then concentrate on those things that really matter: being friendly and interested in the other person. And then be accepting of whatever happens. As Shakespeare has Rosalind say to Phoebe: “You are not for all markets.” It is true. None of us can appeal to everyone. Luckily, we only have to appeal to a few—one at least. (c) Fredric Neuman Author of "Maneuvers." Follow Dr. Neuman's blog at fredricneumanmd.com/blog/ or ask advice at fredricneumanmd.com/blog/ask-dr-neuman-advice-column/

For the most part people are attracted to a kind personality and somebody who will listen to them. One does not have to be a model to attract the opposite sex.

However, there are a few exceptions. When one is a narcissist or self-involved, they are not interested in getting to know another person but far more concerned in the type of person with whom they will be seen by others. Back in my early 20s I dated a guy who seemed to be getting uglier by the day yet was very concerned how I looked and whether he should dump me because wanted a prettier girlfriend. He did ultimately break it off with me because he wanted to ask out a pretty woman who lived in Alaska who had recently gotten engaged to another man.(True story)

It may be reasonable to describe such men as narcissistic, but I am struck more by how insecure they are. I remember an acquaintance from college who told me in so many words that he did not have enough self-confidence to date someone who was not very attractive. It struck me at the time as sad.

I am very average looking, yet I have a dynamic, outgoing personality which attracts men. I always ask questions about their careers, lives (in some cases their wives;-) ), and that hooks them. Everybody is different and I find others lives fascinating. People pick up on my interest and they, in turn, become interested in me.

Visibly aging is a drastic change in appearance, and it's inevitable. If you marry at 20, your husband will think you're ugly at 40. If you meet a man at 40, he will find you unattractive at 60. One need not gain 100 pounds or lose a limb or become disfigured to acheive that dramatic change in appearance. All we have to do is get old.

Your statement is far from being universally true, not to mention absurd. Taken to its logical conclusion by your statements, the solution is for everyone who married at 20 to switch partners at age 40.

Men often find a greater range of women to be attractive as they age. For many men at age 40, attractiveness is a youthful look, which can easily be exhibited by a 40-year-old woman who has lots of energy, sense of humor, and enthusiasm for exercise like running to keep her slim and trim. At the same time, there are many 20-year-olds who are badly out of shape and show little interest or energy.

In fact, I can remember when I was 20 years old I found myself embarrassingly attracted to a few 40-year-old women who seemed much more mature and sophisticated than my age peers.

First of all, men don't look all that hot as they age either - and they know that, and they worry about that too. Still, like women, they love to be appreciated for all they offer, not just youth.

Also, not all women or men peak in their 20s and 30s! I have a lot more men interested in me now that I did back then, and I think it's for two reasons: first I got in really good shape, and second, I love men, I'm interested in them, I try not to prejudge them, and I don't NEED them.

Another interesting observation -- haven't you ever been to a bar or someplace where two people who might not be classified as stereotypically beautiful see so INTO each other and are having SO MUCH FUN together. Doesn't it make you jealous as all hell?!

Yes, not only is there variation in the "hotness" of people as they age, there is also variation in what people think is hot. The conventional wisdom is that a young person would not be interested in someone more than twice their age except for the money. And some cynical people would claim there are no exceptions to this rule. They're wrong.

I personally know a couple who met and married when she was 20 and he was 40. They've been married almost 40 years and they still say it's been worth every minute. Had NOTHING to do with money.

Clothing and grooming on both men and women can have a subtle and significant effect. Also diet and exercise can make a difference. These two factors together can make a huge difference. This is not really mentioned in article.

This article gave me an insight on the true factors of attractiveness. Setting, is a factor that I never would have thought could make a difference on the attractiveness of a person. I did not realize that certain settings could make a person look more attractive than what they would be in a normal setting. This article goes to show that looka are not what we always look for when chosing significant others.

This is probably one of the most accurate articles I've seen thus far on the subject of attractiveness. There were several key points that were excellent and highly truthful that you don't hear laid out as clear and concisely as here.

Most people search for a mate blindly, and don't really consider what they really want. This is what usually leads to bad relationships and subsequent break-ups. Because people visually observe others before they even get to know a small piece of personality or attitude, this tends to be the starting motivation to date certain people, and not others.

Without even realizing it, we classify people into "date-able" and "non-date-able" based on their appearance. The people who are "date-able" may not even be the ones we desire for at first, but if they were to express interest in us (and the personality aspects were desirable), we would likely be willing to give them a chance.

Being overly attractive is not nearly as important as just making yourself date-able (i.e. Not giving them a physical or social reason to not date you) to the people you're trying to date. This usually comes in the form of being relatively in shape, a pleasant positive person, and taking care of yourself.