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as an observation, i took the time to go back and read my previous posts. a lot of ups and downs.

anyway, so here we are 20 months past dday. not sure where to start,

brief history. my a came out september of 2011. a month later w revealed an a she had that ended about a month prior to our wedding.

then revealed a ons about a month later.

since then a lot has gone on both good and bad. still trying to r and move forward. in march i felt like she was letting go of some of the resentment she has towards me, as she was near me, affectionate and more. it was good. then she went out one night with a "friend". came home at 5 am next day. they slept together.

since then, lots of conversations. she does see i am truly an understanding person. i see the big picture and realize i still want things to work and have expressed such to her. she is still trying but still feels resentment and fear. resentment towards me for my a, and fear i will do it again.

at the end of the day i will do what ever i can to make things work. for me. if she decides to end the marraige nothing i do will stop that. i also let her know i will not deal with this again. shes either in it or shes not. no in between. that is done with.

i guess im just venting.

We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2012

sisoon♂ 31240Member # 31240

Posted: 3:21 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013

Good vent, but your topic is a question. If you're looking for help, what is the help you're looking for?

If you're not just venting, are you saying she cheated again while you thought you were in R?

fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 45+, together 45+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and pretty much R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 14384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois

I think I can♀ 17756Member # 17756

Posted: 9:50 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013

some of the resentment she has towards me

Wait, what? She's resentful of YOU? Because you're a fun-sucker who gets upset when she cheats on you?

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 9045 | Registered: Jan 2008

tearsofblood1♂ 34392Member # 34392

Posted: 12:19 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013

I guess just more of a rhetorical question.

And yes you hit the nail on the head. It's difficult to r when she doesn't see any of her past or current actions as damaging. She acknowledges them but there isnt true remorse in my eyes.

Just another challenge I suppose.

We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2012

Undefinabl3♀ 36883Member # 36883

Posted: 12:51 PM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013

It's difficult to r when she doesn't see any of her past or current actions as damaging. She acknowledges them but there isnt true remorse in my eyes.

Its not difficult it is literally, figuratively, and physically impossible to Reconcile if only one person is actually trying to work things out.

A reconciliation is not 'I will do all the work, you just stand there and look pretty'

If she is refusing to see her behavior has not been damaging to you and the relationship, then she is basically refusing to be in a committed, healthy, trustful relationship with you.

You may want to work on the marriage and make it right, but until she comes around, all you are is in limbo land - and that is a very rough place to be. There are many here that are, and they will tell you the same.

Sh needs to be transparent (as do you), she needs to go to IC and MC, there needs to be much conversation about how you both got to where you got and it needs to be honest.

Do not let her get away with what she did, and dont yourself minimize what you did....Work on yourself to become a better person.

You've both had A's, and yet it seems from what you've said that it's you who has been left to 'make it up' to her. R takes 2, and she's clearly not in R if she's just gone out and slept with someone else. From what you've written even in such a brief post it appears that you are showing her that you'll stick around no matter what she does, so why would she feel the need to work on things?

I would advise setting some firm boundaries and thinking about also setting some kind of time limit on how long you are prepared to stay in such limbo. Not a productive or happy place to be

Married 11 years, together 14.
1 child, aged 8.
XWS (34)
Me (32)
D-day 11/08/11
Attempted R and ALMOST made it
D April 2015

Almost doesn't count.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: United Kingdom

tearsofblood1♂ 34392Member # 34392

Posted: 7:56 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013

undefinabl3, thank you, and thank you all for the feedback.

its good to hear from someone in a similar position.

i guess the perverbial 2x4 was needed. i guess in my mind if i work on myself and change for the better of me, not just us, then because of her past, shed follow suit. so far that has not happened.

i do have a time frame in my mind for how long i will deal with this, as it is wearing me down.

i have expressed that feeling in a recent conversation. that i wont be dealing with this much longer. i do know i am doing everything i can to make things right, and she needs to do so as well.