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Guys Can Be Victims, Too

At loveisrespect, we know dating abuse can happen to anyone – including guys. One in 10 men has experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, but unfortunately that’s a fact a lot of people aren’t really aware of. Although people who identify as male make up a smaller percentage of callers to loveisrespect, we know there are likely many more who do not seek help for their abuse. So why the silence? Here are a few of the common misconceptions and stereotypes that can make it tough for guys who are experiencing abuse:

The belief that guys are supposed to “man up”

Although things are slowly getting better, our culture still clings to pretty narrow definitions of gender, and these definitions shape how we see ourselves and others. Boys are taught from a young age not to express their emotions, to “suck it up” and “be a man.” Former football player and coach Joe Ehrmann talks about the “Be a man mandate” in his awesome TED talk. This way of thinking can be really harmful to guys, especially if they find themselves in an abusive relationship. They may feel embarrassed that abuse is happening to them, since it doesn’t fit the cultural definition of “manhood.” They may feel discouraged to talk about what’s going on in their personal lives, or they may feel like they’ll be seen as weak by their peers. But abuse can happen to anyone, and the fact that someone is being abusive towards you doesn’t mean you’re weak.

The “abuse = guy hurting girl” stereotype

Put simply, dating abuse is a pattern of behavior used by one partner to try to gain and maintain power and control over another. There is nothing inherently “male” about being abusive or inherently “female” about being a victim. As a society, when we talk about abuse we tend to talk about male perpetrators and female victims who are typically in straight relationships. While we don’t want to minimize those stories, it’s important to remember that this isn’t the only way abuse happens. We should be respectful of anyone experiencing abuse, so that victims know they have the right to speak out about their own experiences and seek help. Abuse can happen to people regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and EVERYONE deserves support.

The idea that abuse by a woman towards a man is “funny”

We saw this in action with the elevator footage of Solange Knowles attacking Jay-Z in 2014. When a man is abused by a woman, many people don’t take it as seriously (in part due to the previous two reasons we’ve mentioned). Unfortunately, because we tend to think of men as stronger and as “the aggressors,” and women as weaker and “the victims,” the idea of a man being abused by a woman can seem laughable to some, but that just shows a lack of understanding about gender AND abuse. First of all, people come in all shapes, sizes and levels of physical strength regardless of gender. Even if the victim is physically stronger, they may not want to fight back because they don’t want to hurt their partner, or they may fear their partner turning the tables to make them look like the abusive person. Being abusive also doesn’t require being physically stronger, because abuse can take many forms unrelated to physical strength, like emotional and digital abuse. No one is immune to abuse, no matter how strong they are, and abuse is never a joke, in any situation, between any two people.

The fear that there’s no help out there for male victims

It can seem like the majority of services for dating abuse and domestic violence victims are women-focused. However, services for male victims do exist! Most federal funding sources require that domestic violence services be provided to all victims of abuse. Our advocates can provide information, assist with safety planning, and/or find local resources, if available. They can also help brainstorm alternative options if local programs are not meeting the requirements for male victims, including who a survivor may be able to contact if they believe they have experienced discrimination.

If you are concerned that you or someone you know might be in an abusive relationship, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation, chat with a peer advocate! We are here to listen and offer support and resources 24/7/365 to ALL victims and survivors.

Comment section

My adult son has been emotionally and physically abused for at least 5yrs now. The wife comes from an extremely abusive past and it is all she knows. She has put out a severe smear campaign against me from the start as she knew she had to isolate him to completely control him. I need help for him but can’t get anyone to even listen. I used to stay home and not socialize, so it was easy for her to destroy my reputation around church and in some areas around town. I do have a counselor that listens. I feel if I could get his friends to listen they may be able to help him?

Thank you so much for being a part of our online community! It can be so overwhelming to see someone you care about in an abusive relationship, and I’m so sorry that your son’s partner has created such a difficult situation!

I’m so glad to hear that you have a counselor who is supportive of you! That you were able to identify the need for and take the steps to reach out for help is so admirable. You deserve to be treated with respect by everyone in your life, and it’s not okay that your son’s wife has worked to impact the way others are perceiving you.

In considering your son’s situation, you’re absolutely right that isolation is tied to an abuser controlling their partner. Abuse is a choice, and regardless of her history, there is No Excuse for abusive behavior of any kind. That said, it can’t be your responsibility to save your son from his abusive partner. If he’s not ready to reach out for support, that isn’t something that you can make happen. Seeing someone in such a destructive situation can be so hard, but respecting his choice for how to handle his current situation can be so crucial. It may be helpful to check out this page: Can I Save Them? Reaching out to his friends may be one option, but it may be important to consider how that might be able to be done in a way that still respects his choices and boundaries.

I encourage you to reach out to us to talk further about your situation – we would be more than willing to discuss what you have been experiencing, options for supporting your son, how to focus on your own wellbeing through this, or any other questions or concerns you might have. Our advocates are here 24/7 by phone (1.866.331.9474), online chat and text (text: loveis to 22522) to offer you a safe place to talk.

Take care!
Advocate GR

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The loveisrespect blog is full of helpful information about dating and relationships, as well as campaigns, awareness events, and other cool stuff our team is up to. Feel free to leave comments, but be sure to follow our Community Guidelines!

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This project was supported by Grant Number 90EV0426 from the Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Family and Youth Services Bureau, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The opinions, findings, conclusions and recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Family and Youth Services Bureau, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

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