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Ashton Kutcher Is Trying to Kill You

The front pages of yesterday’s tabloids were slathered with the news that the toxicology report was in for the woman who drove the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway last month, killing herself and seven others (including children): she was drunk, and high on marijuana.

The same day, the new issue of Time Out New York hit newsstands (and mailboxes). I always read my issue backwards, so the first thing I saw was the Q&A with Ashton Kutcher. In it, he’s babbling on about using Twitter to save the world (seriously), when suddenly the interview stops.

“Holy shit,” Kutcher says, “I’m going down the wrong way on a one-way street.” Because he’s participating in an interview on a cellphone while driving in his car!

And as we all know, only creeps talk on their phones while driving their car, because doing so is just as dangerous as driving over the legal blood-alcohol limit.

So, Ashton Kutcher, the Twitter humanitarian, is really no better than that woman that killed half of her family. And yet he thinks it’s unfair that a driver at the scene is pissed off at him for driving the wrong way. “I love it when people are driving their cars,” he tells Drew Toal, “and they look at you like they’ve never done anything bad in their lives.” Fuck you and hang up your phone.