Shining a light in the dark money closet: thoughts on wealth, worth and freedom.

Posted on May 27, 2015

Money.

What comes to mind when you read that word?

Freedom, constriction, envy, fear, love?

Do you have enough?

What is enough?

Money’s been on my mind lately. It comes up in my coaching sessions with clients A LOT. It’s in the air between friends. It lingers when the check comes after a fancy dinner. It’s the unspoken question when someone returns from an incredible trip somewhere.

“How did you get that? And how can I get some too?”

Money wasn’t something that was talked about in my family growing up. I didn’t know what anyone made. I knew when there wasn’t enough. And I knew when there was an abundance. And all along, it seemed like some mystical thing.

It seemed hard.

Most of the adults I knew didn’t seem to enjoy the work they did to earn this mystical, magical stuff. And the ones who did–well, I couldn’t fathom why they wanted to sit in offices all day doing what they did. One summer, I worked an internship at my mom’s company where I filed documents and input numbers. After weeks of monotonous, mind numbing work, I cried in front of the entire office. I couldn’t imagine a lifetime of beige cubicles and limited sunlight and number-filled papers. I wanted out.

So I got the heck out.

I have an amazing mother who supported my out-of-the-box ideas from the start. But no one around me was living a life that looked like the one I wanted. The idea that making money could be fun was like the mythical unicorn: read about in fairytales but nowhere in sight.

I spent the next decade touring the highs and lows of money. In my early twenties, I lived in the Chicago theatre world, where there was a lot of passion and freedom but very little money. I ran social events and found creative ways to trade my talents as a people-person for cash.

At 25, I moved to rural Canada where the doctors were paid piles of money to live in the middle of nowhere. Some of that money became my money. I had plenty but I felt empty. It was a rigged trade: friends and culture for isolation and wealth. I wondered if it was an either-or-proposition.

At 27, I became a real estate agent in Vancouver and got an inside look at how the extremely wealthy lived. I wore heels and smiled a lot and helped sell $4 million condos to people who would leave them vacant because they already had four other places to live. My phone rang at 11 pm and I worked 7 days a week. Unicorn, it was not.

And, for a while, I stayed at home and made no money and questioned what my worth was if I couldn’t produce, even though we had way more than we needed. I searched for ways to be worthy in a relationship where my husband was in the top 1% of Canadian earners.

I tried to be perfect in a thousand different ways since I didn’t have a clue how to go out and pull in half a million dollars a year without losing my soul and sanity in the process.

When I thought about money, all I could see were beige cubicles.

Money had a huge hold on me. Whether I had a little or a lot. It didn’t make a difference.

When you grow up thinking money has to be earned in a specific way, the world of work becomes a small, passionless place.

“Get this degree, follow this path, buy a house, stay in one place, don’t do anything too risky, be just like me.”

So many people long for something else and shut the yearning down because “more” (money, time, freedom) is for other people.

I’ve seen poor friends demonize money and rich friends base their happiness on how much they earn. I’ve met famous people who have everything they could ever want and are still searching for something more: maybe if I start giving up some of these houses, they say, I will find peace.

I know both sides and I’m here to tell you: you will never have enough money until you believe that money has nothing to do with your worth.

That elusive golden egg is nothing more than an illusion.

And it’s a tricky illusion because it shows different faces to different people:

Making money is hard.

People with more money are happier.

If I lose this lifestyle, I will be miserable.

If I save x amount, then I will feel rich.

If I have money, I am better than people without money.

People with money are assholes.

There is a limited amount of money and if I take more, I am stealing from others.

No one will pay me to be myself.

I should charge what I’m worth.

I wasn’t born lucky.

It’s powerful, heavy, pervasive stuff. And none of it is true.

Different face, same source: self-worth.

When I started reading money books after my marriage ended, I got so triggered by the suggestion to check my accounts every day and track my receipts. I was worried that I would never again have enough and looking at those things would just be a constant reminder: you don’t have enough. AKA: You aren’t enough.

But I did it anyway, in my own way. I made envelopes and labeled them with words that felt good:Food Creation Love (groceries), Food Experience Love (eating out), Social Love (time out with friends), etc.

I put my receipts into these envelopes week after week and something interesting happened: I spent less but felt like I’d spent more. I started to see where my money was going and what I valued the most. And when I got clear on that, it was really easy to shift money away from things that weren’t filling me up towards things that I craved.

I figured out that it wasn’t “stuff” that filled my cup, but connection and experiences. (Bye, bye, cable. Farewell, void-filling shopping sprees.) And I learned that you could lose money (lots of it) and still be okay. Better than okay.

This was a simple exercise but it created a huge mental shift. It inspired me to look closer. I started paying more attention to my thought patterns, to the words I told myself on a daily basis. And then, one by one, I started changing them.

When I realized that my thoughts had been creating my reality, I changed my thoughts and my reality changed.

All along, rich or poor, I had been sabotaging myself. When you are uncomfortable with money, you find ways to lose it: you spend it, you refuse it, you charge too little, you give your power away to crappy bosses and undeserving partners, you return to your baseline so that you can feel “normal,” even if normal is scraping by.

Once I got friendly and clear with money, more of it started showing up. I learned how to ask for it with more ease. I started getting paid to be myself and do what I love (no beige in sight). The hemorrhaging stopped. The unicorn arrived. It was me, and only me, that had been standing in my own way.

Fuck. And…what a relief.

Money is energy. Nothing more and nothing less. We can receive it with ease and release it with ease. And there is always more.

That may feel absolutely true the first time you say it or, like me, you may feel shame or anger or a whole mixed bag of emotions the first time those words pass your lips.

Keep saying them. They are powerful. They are true. And they apply to more than just money.

What do you think you’re capable of? Can work be easy? Can money be fun? Can you have plenty? Are you worthy even if you don’t bring in a paycheck?

Strike a match in that dark closet (you know the one). Stay in there a while. Listen.

Those fears about money and worth that get unconsciously passed down the line? Question them. Question everything.

Start building something new.

I’m deep into money exploration and want to hear more about you, so here’s what I’m doing: If you want to have a personal pow-wow with me and explore your own money story, I’m offering up 8 thirty minute phone sessions, gratis, to the first takers. Just cause: energy, empowerment, love. Book em through my calendar here. We’ll knock some of those walls down and invite the wealth in. Looking forward to talking to some of you in person. <3

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42 Comments

This was eerily timely for me. I just had a mini meltdown last night when I logged into my student loan account and realized that the thousands of dollars I’ve already paid back are like bills flying in the wind because of the accrued interest. That along with a recent financial commitment to help a family member, a recent not-so-low budget trip, and an upcoming baby! I was feeling overwhelmed by the expenses and feeling like I wouldn’t make/have enough. I know this is not the case in reality, but sometimes panic sets in. I’m the type who loves eating out and travelling, but will not get my nails done weekly or go shopping more than 3 or 4 times a year for clothes/shoes because I worry about the cost of these things. Though I make a decent living, I don’t drive a fancy car and still rely on my old Corolla that gets me from point A to point B. I try to be rational and reasonable with spending, and am in wonderment of people who spend exorbitantly on clothes and handbags and such. Despite being as responsible as I can, sometimes unforeseen expenses pop up (by sometimes I mean constantly). Just have to roll with the punches and trust that my financial decisions are not poor, right? Thanks for this eye opening post.

Glad this resonated with you. Sounds like you have lots going on right now. Congratulations on the baby! What you’re saying feels familiar to me–I always felt like money was going out, out, out. It helped to realize that I had a huge role in creating that state of stress for myself (sounds counterintuitive but it was empowering). I got so used to feeling stressed that it became normal. If the storm died down, I was like, wait, what’s up with that? Time to create some wind.

And my wind was usually travel. I love to travel and it’s still one of my top priorities. I just realized that I couldn’t say yes to every single thing and create the life that I really craved at the same time. I was being blown around in that wind. It was really empowering to say no to some things in order to say a bigger yes to other things (even if the no was to something I really wanted or felt obligated to do). Sending you some calm for your storm. And love for your new family. xx

I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept too, Rian. While my current job affords me the lifestyle that I (and my cats) truly enjoy living, I have no passion for the beige-ness of this office world. I don’t look forward to coming to work in the morning and I am not overly proud of the work I do, even though it is praised by the higher-ups. I’ve settled into a career that has stability and a great paycheck, but I’d love to do more with my working hours than sit in an office staring at numbers. Luckily, there are many ideas and even some plans in the works. I can’t wait to explore them with you and hear more about your journey!

The Norse had an interesting collection of wisdom, known as the Havamal. Stanza 76 has a perspective on financial wealth (or gold, as the poem calls it) that fairly sums up my own beliefs on the matter:

“Among Fitjung’s sons | saw I well-stocked folds,–
Now bear they the beggar’s staff;
Wealth is as swift | as a winking eye,
Of friends the falsest it is.”

That was, of course, during the time of the Vikings – when money was made out of gold and silver. Nowadays, we have pieces of paper that represent a government’s promise that it has enough gold to pay the value represented by that paper. The values of these pieces of paper fluctuate around the world on a constant basis, as does the believability of some of the governments who issue these promissory notes. And that’s when we are holding paper in our hands … plastic money, electronic cash, and virtual currency also ‘exist.’ Essentially, many of us stress over something that doesn’t actually exist – and, as you aptly point out in your post, it’s hardly worth it to actually define our personal value by how much of this stuff we’ve amassed in our lives.

We don’t take money with us when we die. The Vikings may have believed that we do – but the money they were buried with didn’t leave their graves until someone else came along and took it.

That was a tall one for me to scale as well. The thing on the other side? People pay me *more* to be myself. Which, I get now, makes complete sense–when you’re hiding parts of yourself and stuffing yourself into a role, you’re doing your work with only a portion of your strengths. People don’t get to see how freaking powerful you are. P.S. I have a feeling you’re pretty powerful.

Oh. Oh what perfect timing for this. Money has been my primary thought for the past year — perhaps a little more — since I started my own writing business and (though still working a part-time desk job) began to discover just how much of a hold it can have on you, whether you have enough or seemingly too little. But you’re absolutely right: You will never have enough until you realize it has nothing to do with your worth. That lesson is, honestly, something I’m still in the process of learning. I think we all do, at some point. Those with “too little,” those with just enough, and those with too much. (And yes, I’ve totally been meaning to try the envelope method!)

Thanks for sharing these thoughts and lessons here. I know I’m not the only one who needed it today.

Couldn’t agree with you more on this topic. I watched my friends turn into zombies in our post-college decade and either find these things out or not. A lot of them chased the money and never really understood my views until recently, now that they have all sacrificed their health, experiences, family and friend ties and I have a “savings account” full of those things.

I love your savings account perspective. There’s a heck of a lot more than money in there. It’s easy to focus on acquiring and lose sight of the love and freedom we may be sacrificing. I absolutely don’t think it has to be an either-or. I often see people going to one extreme or the other. No money vs no love. We can have both when change the lens. Thanks for sharing.

Loved your post! I believe I read every word, which hardly ever happens when I read articles online. I am currently in the process of trying to make money being myself. The 9-5 never captivated my interest, nevertheless it was where I thought I should be. I’d love to ask you some questions if you are available. Thank you again for your incite, I can feel the joy in your writing. You are very inspiring!

I thought this was an excellent post regarding how both money and our self-worth play together to create and alter our points of view on our lives. While the entire post was very helpful to me there was one phrase in particular which I did not think was appropriate and definitely felt out of place, “Fuck. And…what a relief.”

I take a stand for people being fully able to express themselves and not have to hide or box themselves in to please others. The full expression of me includes an occassional f-bomb. The full expression of you may not. I honor the differences between us.

I fully agree and understand your point of view. I think what I noticed most was that it simply didn’t fit the flow of your post. It just felt out of place, that’s all. I don’t care for the f-bomb but that isn’t what my issue was (for the most part). In no way did I want my comment to be inflammatory. I did get a lot out of your blog post and will be reading more of Truth and Cake. Thank you.

I too have struggled to separate ‘work’ ‘time’ and ‘money’. I have a strong aversion to the beige cubicle, and the beige life in general. I know there are so many people who live passionate, joyous lives and money finds a way into their experience without selling their time for a penny.

“No one will pay me to be myself.”
This whole post is completely relatable to me. What a way to start the morning! I have felt this way so many times and every time I think I’ve found a solution to beige cubicle syndrome, the lack of money and anxiety suck me right back in. Going to keep trying to change my thoughts on money and tracking it like you did. Thank you for this post!

My life used to center around the basic money questions: enough? how to get more? where does it go? Then, anger at myself and family and others for wasting it….whatever.
Of course, that kept happening until…BANG!…my life exploded and I had my stroke. Now, I was really going to worry, but…I didn’t…not as much, not as often. I had other things to do that had nothing to do with money…you know, talk, walk, see, move, smile, type, …. on and on…no money in sight.
You can’t worry about what isn’t in the conversation or your thoughts.
Now, I have managed to balance my budget for nearly 3 years. I am happy, have more than I usually need, and eat well, play well, even manage to write well…
Things have changed…?…nope, I have changed.
I have even started applying that to whether I need anyone else in my life. Do I really need a partner? I am doing well and happy…maybe friends and blog mates are enough.
I know this: I prefer me now to any me that thought I was healthier and going places.

Reblogged this on Kindredspirit23's Blog and commented:
This is great and important. Rian is the first person I ever read on a blog, the first blog I ever followed, and between us…we have lived lives similar in a lot of ways…Read this – it’s important!

Thank you for such a lovely post! You were spot on saying “…my thoughts had been creating my reality.” I too have fallen into that hole of self-creating scenarios in life whether it be towards money or simply relationships. It is amazing how much control you can have over your reality (intentionally or not) and why it is so important to be aware when you think or say certain things. Those patterns can change! The first step it just realizing it is there. Look forward to reading your other posts!

Everything you say is so true Rian, especially that we are taught to give our lives away in order to have money. I decided to see every cent I spend as an investment in my own happiness and when Im broke I just tell myself that something will come up for me and until it does all my needs are taken care of. Amazing things have happened just by deciding to be happy about money, whether its in my possession or not. Most recently I have been given a computer after deciding that since I don’t have any money to pay for it, it will just have to come into my life for free. I never asked for it; just made a decision. A few days a later a someone who I do business with called to say I’d overpaid him. All the time he was one of the first people I was planning on paying when something came up for me money-wise. I thought I owed him, turned out to be the other way around. Before I used to regret spending my money, now everything I buy makes me happy because its all investments that give great returns.
Love your posts.

I really needed to hear this today…. what a wonderful read. I especially enjoyed your little story about the envelopes and how once you placed your focus on ‘true value’ as opposed to money, you felt like you had more even when you were spending less. Time to reevaluate my true values I think!

Reblogged this on Turnaround at 50 and commented:
I love her thoughts on so many things…she is doing a lot of the same reflecting I am, only doing it 20 years sooner than I have! Never too late for a turnaround though!