Real Housewives of Atlanta – Season 5, Week 5

One Sentence Summary: Another cast trip is planned, but one housewife is out and she may not be back.

Our Thoughts:

This season, it’s my world.

Rachel: So, all I want for Christmas this year is for this to really be Kim’s last episode. All this drama in the preview and her walking out better be for real. I can’t take much more of her and her hideous behavior. Seriously, there is about zero that I find interesting or enchanting about her, her family or her move. And let’s not get me started on Sweetie. She has suffered a fame aneurysm and I think there’s probably a zero chance of recovery on this one. Nene’s return from the edge has been nothing short of a miracle and miracles don’t happen twice in one show. So, I am holding the door open for Kim and waiting for her to make her exit a permanent on. Now. Quick. Please. And don’t pull some stunt where you come back to the show 3 episodes from now with some BS excuse about how these bitches aren’t going to dictate your life.

Melissa: Wait, there’s a trip already? Didn’t the season just start? Why are they sending them away already? I don’t understand. My confusion aside I need to give a huge shout out to my awesome partner in sass for helping a bitch out this week and picking up my slack. Poor thing has back issues picking up all my slack… I should send her a fruit basket. Yeah, and by by fruit I mean fermented grapes.

Kids Are Just An Accessory

Seriously mom, no more kids.

Rachel: Oh great, we start the evening out with Kim. Wait, so now Kim is so happy to be living back in the townhouse? Oh right, she has to make whatever situation she’s in the best ever. But her kids are happy so I suppose that’s a positive. Kim’s younger daughter, Arianna, asks her if she was an unplanned pregnancy. No, she was planned. Was Brielle? Brielle says no one wants a baby at 19, so of course she was an accident. Kim agrees but lets her know that she didn’t cramp her style. Oh well, thank God for that. Brielle just would like her mother to use birth control after this kid is born. We all would Brielle. We all would.

Melissa: Really, you had to him me with this right off? Still more bitching about the eviction? Did she just say no babies for a while… After this one? Yeah, I don’t believe it for a moment.

Paws Off

One more flirtatious comment and I’m coming across this table.

Rachel: Time for a little double date with Phaedra & Apollo and Kenya & Walter. Phaedra thinks she’s met Walter before and Kenya figures that it must be because they’re both such upwardly mobile people in Atlanta. Man, she can’t help making every conversation about how fabulously successful she and the people around her are. Yes, we all know. You’re successful. And speaking of letting people know what’s what, she lets Apollo know that she approves of his “supermodel” look. He’s more interested in talking about her production skills for Phaedra’s workout video. Kenya would rather produce a video for him and his “bulging muscles”. Girl, you might want to take that whole flirting thing you got going on down a few notches before Phaedra & her donkey booty come across that table. How is it that some women don’t know that flirting with a married man is not cool, especially when his wife is sitting right there? Not that Kenya cares about anything other than Kenya.

Conversation does turn back to business as Apollo tells Kenya that he has created a workout for Phaedra that can be done in about 35 minutes. And all while he talks, Kenya is “vetting him out” to see what kind of talent he would be. She thinks he’s vetting her too. Yes, he is but it’s just for work, honey. He wants to make some money and not have to work at the funeral home as corpse transport.

Is Kenya really about to go kart in a dress? Yep, a dress and no seat belt. Well, until the worker decides he’s not interested in her leaving her brains on the track. And she’s off screaming and hollering the whole way… well, until she runs out of gas in the middle of the track. Muhahaha…

Melissa: It’s a double date with Kendra and Walter! Hey now Kenya, take it down a level with your hitting on Apollo. Phaedra won’t stand for that for sure. There’s going to be a prayer cloth delivered to your home soon, my dear. I’m not gonna stand for it either, quite frankly. Don’t go sniffing around my girl’s stuff now. Geez Kenya, you need to tone it down and and maybe cross your legs because if they pan that shot any more I’ll be staring right at your chooch and I really don’t need that.

Couples Therapy

The “finally” happy couple.

Rachel: Peter opens a bottle of $200 wine that he’s been saving for a special occasion. Too bad no one told the wine to wait because it’s corked and now being spilled down the drain. Where did you keep that bottle of wine? On top of the fridge? It kills me when I see people keep wine in places where it’s all heat all the time. Why even bother? Just drink some Boone’s farm if you’re going to be that mean to your wine.

Anywho, Gregg & NeNe show up for their double date time with Cynthia & Peter. They want the scoop on the status of Gregg & NeNe who say they are the “new normal”. Way to drop the name of your new show on us. Tip o’ the hat. But they’re seemingly happy with their arrangement for the time being so all is well. And all is well with Peter & Cynthia too it seems. Wouldn’t have seen that coming a year ago so tip o’ the hat to you too.

Peter & Cynthia want to make this year’s girls’ trip a couple’s trip to Anguilla. Cynthia is going to invite Phaedra & Apollo, Kandi & Todd and Kim & Kroy. Good thing Kandi got herself a man so she could be invited. And, I guess the animosity between she & Phaedra is over so she can now concentrate on hating on Kenya? Fine by me. NeNe, on the other hand, is cool with the roster minus Kim. Can’t say as I blame her. When Cynthia leaves the room for a moment, Peter tells NeNe & Gregg that he’s trying to make this trip a vow renewal to try and repair all the negativity that happened around their wedding. Well, Peter, look at you! Someone slipped you a happy pill when we weren’t looking. I like it.

Melissa: Oh, I’m almost relieved to see Cynthia after that bit of silliness. HA, see that’s lesson number 1 of the Winey Bitches… You NEVER leave a wine sitting. Clearly it’s double date night on RHOA. Oh ho!! It’s going to segue to a whole couple’s trip thing to Anguilla. Hang on, Peter wants to renew the vows on the beach? Didn’t they just get married like a year ago?

I Yam What I Yam

What do you mean yams won’t make me pregnant with twins? I read it on the internet so it has to be true.

Rachel: Now we get to go with Porsha & Kordell to the Ob-Gyn. Why can’t they just tell us what the doctor said afterwards? I don’t need to be in the room. Wait, hold up. Did she just say she wants to have four kids but she wants twins so she only has to give birth twice? You know, so she doesn’t ruin her “bangin’ body”. And she’s going to be able to have twins because both their families have twins in them. Oh and she’s going to eat a lot of a particular type of yam to guarantee twins. This one’s a genius. And when she asks the doctor her advice on having twins, the doctor kindly lets her know that this isn’t a drive-through where you put in your order and get what you want. She suggests they just get through one pregnancy before worrying about the rest. Yeah, I’m thinking maybe this woman shouldn’t really be responsible for 4 kids. Just a thought.

Melissa: Oh Porsha honey with that camel toe!! Ladies, please… You need to stop with the Camel toe. It’s not cool. OK, this woman is crazy with the yams. Well, then again, I made my husband drink coffee… Um, never-mind, we’re not going to delve into my crazy tonight. This is strictly ATL crazy.

No Thanks

It’s a smart idea because I said it while wearing my glasses.

Rachel: Kandi & Cynthia meet for some lunch and typical girl talk about diets and booties getting big. I feel ya, ladies. Time is cruel mistress. Have you not heard my rant about gravity and my face? (Click here if you want a little laugh about my last facial experience.) Anyway, we’re not here for that. We’re here to talk about Anguilla. Kandi isn’t super thrilled about the idea of a couple’s weekend since her boyfriend won’t be able to get away for a vacation. And not being able to get away is code for him not liking the drama that the ladies bring to every situation. Todd, we’re right there with you. Cynthia pushes her to come. She would also like Kandi to invite Kim. Seems Kim has given everyone a list of dates that she can travel. Oh please make the trip not fall on one of those dates. Please please please! Can’t there be a football emergency. I have no idea what that would actually be but let’s make it happen!

Kandi is cool with Kim coming but less so with NeNe. Oh, this is a tangled web. So NeNe doesn’t want Kim. Kandi doesn’t want NeNe. Todd doesn’t want any of them. And Cynthia doesn’t want Kenya to be invited, which I’m sure is going to come up at some point. So tell me again, why the group trip? Oh right, contracts. Cynthia doesn’t understand Kandi’s issue with NeNe since there isn’t one in return. Now Kandi, you know I love you to pieces, but you need to meet the new & improved NeNe and give her a chance. For me. For all of us. But mostly just for me.

Melissa: What’s with Cynthia’s Mr Magoo glasses? So Anguilla is where she wanted to get married if she was doing a destination wedding, which is coincidentally where Peter is planning her “surprise” vow renewal. Hinky I say. Oh no Kandi, don’t go talking about NeNe with Cynthia. You know that’s going to be all twisted about and turned against you.

Who Needs Those Extra Hundred Days

Cheers to being fabulous 265 days a year!

Rachel: NeNe & Cynthia are invited to Hosea’s home for the Feed The Hungry charity to meet with Porsha and discuss working together. And I’m sure this is also to introduce them to each other so that she can get an invite to Aguilla. Just a hunch. Porsha tells them that she feels like they can use their sisterhood to raise more money to feed the hungry. You know because they’re not just hungry on Thanksgiving. They’re also hungry the other 265 days in the year. That’s right, 265. Oh this Porsha is quite the Einstein, isn’t she? I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually slept through about 100 days a year. But this is for charity so the ladies stifle their laughter and agree to do a PSA for her.

After talk of charity is done, it’s time for champagne and gossip. Let’s see what shall we talk about? Ah yes, Kenya Moore. I think we’re about to see how the dislike of a person can quickly create friendships. You don’t like her? Me either! Let’s hate on her together over some booze & food! And with that, Porsha’s in the fold.

Melissa: HA, did that poor little girl just say a year was 265 days? No, really I’m laughing right along with NeNe! I don’t even know what else was said.

My Balls

These jeans are tight enough to hold the balls in on their own.

Rachel: Phaedra & Kandi go shopping in a cute little store, which is the appropriate place to discuss kegel balls. Yes, the balls that you put in your lady parts and hold there in order to make your muscles stronger. This is a new product for Bedroom Kandi and she would like Phaedra to try them out for her. Seems Kandi is trying them out right now. You know, there are some things I just don’t need to picture in my mind. This is one of them. I’m just glad they’re not trying to go through airport security right now.

And let’s discuss more about this Anguilla trip. The trip that Kim & Kroy have agreed to attend. Ack. Really? Why? Now, I don’t want to go. Phaedra is happy Kim’s coming but thinks she might need to smooth things out a bit with Cynthia before they go. You know, since she was busted via butt dial talking smack and dropping f-bombs. Yeah, nothing is worse than butt dialing while you’re in the middle of a conversation that no one else needs to hear. I got to witness an entire fight between an ex-coworker and her boyfriend thanks to a butt dial. Whoops! I probably should have deleted it the second it started, but I listened to the whole thing. I’ll admit it. Hey, it’s not my fault it was on my phone! Anywho, Kandi says they should invite Kenya. Uh, no. Phaedra says that Cynthia isn’t interested in new friends by the name of Kenya. Kandi wants to invite her anyway. Did you not hear what I just said? Uh, no. What’s wrong with you, Kandi? Why are you trying to create drama? Besides, it’s not your trip. Plan your own trip and take Kenya & Kim with you. Then let us know how much fun you had, ok?

P.S. – Phaedra, you may want to go up a size in your pants. Just because, you know, circulation to your legs is important.

Melissa: HA, how funny must it be to have a friend say I need you to try some kegel balls for me. Seriously, cracks me up. I’m just imagining that again and again.

Shitty Situation

Who’s not going to lift a finger around this house?

Rachel: Joy, more Kim bitching about her living in her townhouse again. Wasn’t she happy there 15 minutes ago? How about you put some of the shit you don’t need in storage? Do you really need all of it in your townhouse? And why is your dog shitting in the house all the time? And why are you ok with it? I need to be done with her.

Melissa: Maybe if you didn’t get your ass kicked out of our house, you wouldn’t have to live in your townhouse screaming at your dogs to eat their own poo so you don’t have to clean it… rather have Sweetie clean it for you.

Peace Out

I know you didn’t just invite yourself on my trip.

Rachel: Time for the vacation planning session with the ladies. But first, Phaedra & Cynthia need to have a moment. You know, I was about to comment on that thing Cynthia has on her head until Phaedra showed up with her hat. Did you just come from a funeral? Oh wait, you actually probably did just come from a funeral. Carry on. Phaedra also comes bearing flowers & apologies. She says she did say something she shouldn’t have said. Granted she says it was because she was caught up in planning her son’s birthday and the only people that had to be there were a whale shark & Thomas The Train. But she is sorry. Well, good on you, Phaedra, for owning your shit. I wish more people were like that. I mean we all say dumb shit. Sometime we get away with it. Sometimes we don’t. And when we don’t, we need to own it. Not try and lie about it and make the situation bigger than it needs to be. But a lot of people don’t live in that world, sadly. And with that, all is well and the “evidence” is deleted from Cynthia’s phone.

Kandi shows up and announces that she invited Kenya to lunch. She wants Kenya on the trip so she is inviting Kenya on the trip. Ooh Kandi, you are pissing me off right now. When did you get so high & mighty? It’s not your trip. No one cares what you want. But here Kenya is in all her shiny foreheaded glory.

Finally, Kim shows up and it’s time to talk about the trip. The trip that Kenya hasn’t yet been invited on. And when she asks if that invitation is coming, she gets silence from Cynthia. So, she chooses to invite herself. Man, these women blow my mind. Why would you want to go on a trip where you weren’t welcome by the hosts? Why? Oh right, because you don’t care about anyone but you. Good job, Kandi. When it all goes to shit, we’ll all be looking your way. I hope you’re ready for some serious stink eye.

And with that everyone’s all on board… Well, except for Kim. She needs to talk to her doctor about whether or not she can travel. She’s at 28 weeks and her cervix is already shortened. I have no idea what that means, but the girls translate that to mean she is going to bail. Look, we all know I don’t like to take up for Kim ever, but I would imagine she probably does want to get the doc’s sign-off before hopping a plane to a tropical island. But I also feel the ladies when they say they rushed this trip to make it happen around her schedule. And this is why I told you not to bother. Why don’t they ever listen to me? Oh right, because shouting at the TV only works when watching football. I always forget.

Wait, Kim just said she was 8 months pregnant. Again, no math whiz over her but pretty sure 28 weeks is 7 months. How did she just gestate for another month? How long have they been sitting there? And now, because of that, she definitely cannot go on the trip. Maybe they have been sitting there for an entire month because she was just saying she would go if the doctor gave her the ok. Now she’s not going for sure. My head hurts. And that thing I said about taking up for her, cancel it. I take it back. And just to confuse matters more, Kim says that she & Kroy are going to Lake Coney next week for a few days. Huh? So, you can’t travel even though you can travel so you’re not going to travel after you travel. Got it.

Kandi is the first one to call out the BS pouring from Kim’s lips. She says they all moved things around to accomodate her schedule. Trials, ASCAP Awards, meetings – all moved for Kim. But it’s not her fault because the trip is not in America. And that’s really the issue… now. Phaedra feels like this is more about Kim not being committed to their friendship. She doesn’t have time for them. Kim’s response? I really don’t. Well, then just bail out and don’t waste people’s time. NeNe says she just makes excuses all the time. Kim says it’s not true and if everyone is late, how is that her fault? Well, that’s a good point. Too bad she follows it up with “and I never confirmed those dates.” Girl, if everyone at that table knows the dates, it’s because you confirmed them. NeNe just would like Kim to not lie on her anymore.

And with that, Kim’s out and she’s not interested in being on camera anymore. Apparently, Kroy has been waiting outside in the car and is ready to fight the cameraman if he doesn’t get out of Kim’s face. Wait, the cameraman that is paid to be there? The one that is there because Kim signed a contract saying that Bravo gets to tape her life? Oh, ok. Gotcha.

Melissa: Really Cynthia you’re keeping the message on your phone? How passive aggressive of you. Oh look at Phaedra with flowers and an apology. Nice move. Well, with Kandi inviting Kenya, Cynthia’s evil eyes are now focused on Kandi anyhow. Oh, the ladies are sipping limoncello? YUM!! Of course upon hearing there’s a chance Kim is backing out, everyone starts questioning why she’s not making the group trip yet planning to go away with her husband. Really ladies, do you actually care if Kim isn’t there? You’d be forced to see the word du jour on her sweatpants’ ass as she waddled around complaining the entire time.

Rachel: Uh, I have a voicemail that’s 2 years old on my phone because you never know when you’ll need evidence. People are shady. You have to keep all your weapons in your arsenal.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:Personally, I’m grateful Kim’s not going on the trip. I’m also hoping that she’s really done when she says she’s done. Like all the way done.

Melissa: Oh you cannot tease me with that camera pushing and Kroy spouting off. That’s not cool!! You know that’s my hook, you bastards! Now I’m not going to be able to stay away next week!! Not that I was staying away, anyhow. But you know, I like to pretend.

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We take the best parts of some bad tv, break ‘em down over a few glasses of vino (funny flows better when wine flows freely) and share them with you so you don’t have to waste hours of your life watching on your own. You're welcome.

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