I love my man of 5 and a half years. He knows me more than anyone ever has in this world. I also have this painful tendency of hurting him.

Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I don’t want to hurt him, but I do and can’t acknowledge it, or I try to blame something, someone else or even try to justify it.

This becomes a double hurt for him, and I lack the nurturing, comforting ability that women possess. I want to be everything beautiful for him and to him, as he has shown me so much, opened my eyes, heart, and soul. I need some advice and spiritual guidance to what actions I should take.

Here is a rundown on some of the things that have happened in my life and the things I’ve done.

When I was 9 my parents divorced. I still got to see both for a month at a time, my dad used to work on the oil rigs, but I felt like he was away a lot. When I was 14, I had an incestuous relationship with my cousin (22 at the time) more than once but not intercourse. I think that has had a major effect on me, but I can’t fix it or find where to start.

After this happened, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year with no reason to give him. I had 2 boyfriends after that one for 3 months and one for 4 years after. I cheated on both of them. In the 4 year relationship, I slept with around 10 guys more towards the end. That’s when I met my partner.

He made me feel like I was beautiful all over, inside out. He was older and more mature than anyone I had been with, and I fell in love with him. After about 3 weeks of meeting him, I left my 4-year relationship of dishonesty to be with him. I was 18 at this time.

Soon enough things started to catch into this relationship. I had many guy friends and didn’t see the difference in values. So one of my ex ‘flings’ and I decided to catch up with friends, so I went (lying to my partner) and low and behold he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and left. Months later it came out that I did see him and my partner was upset (I had convinced myself that I had told him). This was followed by months of me trying to hang myself, cutting my wrists, yelling, screaming and crying all the time. He has had to cut me down twice.

After about 10 months he started questioning me and thinking I was cheating on him (I don’t blame him, but I did blame him at the time). He was taking drugs frequently, and I was occasionally too. This added to the doubt which I already set with my behavior. I must mention that he has had a very traumatic life. He found his mom died when he was 10, witnessed a war-torn country (bombs dropping, people dying – close friends) for 5 years (aged 13-18). So finding me hanging was an especially big blow to him.

I couldn’t face anything, still really don’t. Since then it has been on and off, we fight (less this year).

It was embarrassing for him as the neighbors heard, my family got involved, and he was made out to be the bad guy. I’ve been to the hospital for drinking weed killer as an attempt to kill myself but more of a cry for attention.

Men are attracted to something about me which causes a lot of dramas for us. Most if not all our male friends become ‘over-friendly’ as in touch my arm/shoulder, constantly ask if I want something, hovering around or standing too close. Sometimes I wouldn’t agree with my partner because I was used to this from my previous relationships; it was considered normal.

The thing is I am a pretty quiet person, and when people are in my space I can’t find the confidence to tell them to go away when the time calls for it or even to just confront the situation on the spot. I want to be able to just say what I think and have my man’s back when he needs me.

We love each other very much, although there is this cycle that still appears every month or so (becoming less) where I do or say something that hurts and we fight for days because I can’t find the way to apologize or comfort him, even really take it on the chin and admit “hey I messed up”. I want to find the root cause of all of my selfish actions and rectify it.

May I mention also that most of the time these things happen when I am drunk, but not always. He had become very agitated, doubtful and says mean things which is not the person he was before because I hurt him so much in many different ways, which I can understand but I know he loves me, I just want to ensure he knows I love him all the time.

I know there is probably a need for a lot of healing; I am willing to do anything to help our relationship.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Is it to do with what happened when I was 14? I question myself, and it scares me. If you heard someone do these things to their partner you would think, “that is not loving” when in fact we are passionately in love, we spend every moment together and love each other dearly.

There is a lot of anger, sadness and broken pieces, which I want to mend with my love. I used to cry almost every day though that has certainly died down this year. We have stopped taking hard drugs but are still smoking weed. We enjoy it; it’s relaxing and nice cuddling on the couch together.

I want to find out what the block is and where it comes from and also why I cannot communicate positively. Why do I hurt him so carelessly? I care a lot, especially a few days after when I realize how sad he is after ignoring me for days. It’s like I just don’t get it or I’m “too righteous.” I came across the word narcissist and that kind of fits in some places.

If you really love him, you would let him go his way until you straighten yourself out. If you know that you are only hurting someone else, then why would you continue to be there, it sounds very selfish to me.

Once you fix yourself and you are not going to abuse him or anyone else, you might be ready to return.

If you know that you are messed up. Let him go, and deal with yourself.

Just let him know that you are not separating because you don’t love him, but because you do; and you need to seek help for your problems before you hurt him again.

Please do not continue to put this guy through this. What you will end up with after he wastes away his self-worth and dignity by staying with you, will no longer be anyone you’d want to be with. He will be broken.

Your life, as you have described it, is a series of dramas. You never mention any time period wherein you took some time to be on your own and really get to know who you are. Taking time off from relationships altogether might very well be the best place to begin figuring this all out. Often, when we give ourselves the proper amount of space that we need to REALLY be ourselves, we are much more agreeable when relating to others.

My guess is that there is a lot more of you inside there who is just crying out for authentic expression. If you give yourself a chance you may discover that your internal barometer of peace requires a whole lot more space than you’ve ever actually given yourself in the past.

YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP RIGHT AWAY! I don’t think this has anything to do with your boyfriend, although he is clearly paying some of the price. But I do think your past, in whatever regard, and your issues will continue to rip holes in any relationship you try to have. Romantic or otherwise.

I have to agree with much of what Frank said. I also think your boyfriend is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself as well. It can’t be all on you to walk away. That’s unfair and unrealistic. But I do think a conversation needs to be had between the two of you regarding both your mental health and personal safety and what it will ultimately cost you.

From your own words, it will eventually cost you your life.Please get help. There is a way out. Rather than analyzing why you treat him so bad, maybe the better question is, why do you treat yourself so bad? You have to FIRST heal your relationship with yourself. PLEASE GET HELP.

I agree; you need some counseling ASAP. You are on the way, if not already there, to being a narcissist. Google the word and read up on it.

You’ve suffered in your past and not knowing how to deal with it, you drag down the person you love. Many times it is unintentionally yet that doesn’t matter. You don’t love yourself, which means you can’t love another person the way you should until you work on yourself.

Until you do something to begin changing your life, you will continue to go through drama and continue to hurt others and YOURSELF.

Please seek counseling, you may be suffering from a chemical imbalance or other medical condition that could be adjusted with the help of medication, for example.

I understand where your feelings come from, and don’t think you are a bad person. Sometimes we unknowingly, subconsciously, recreate traumatic events or toxic relationships in our lives in order to make sense of them to ‘relive’ them as it were, because we have stopped really progressing from that moment on. We are ‘stuck’ essentially in that traumatic time in our life without knowing it, and mentally, emotionally we no longer really develop in the right space.

It takes someone like a therapist (if you don’t have a loving, nurturing parent/guardian there to help you make sense of the trauma or support you at the time it occurred) to help you get ‘unstuck’ and to offer support in a nurturing, non-judgmental environment.

What I see happened is your cousin “invaded” your space, your personal boundaries and did inappropriate things to you as you were essentially a child still. Because he was older, you tend to associate a ‘lack of a voice’ to older, more ‘authoritative’ people in your life, but maybe it has bled out in all areas and you have just lost your confidence to ‘defend’ yourself like you would’ve when you were sexually abused as a child.

Your inner soul screams out for a way to release the pain and guilt from that time in your life, you can’t make any sense of it. It’s really confusing to you and you don’t know how to ‘feel’ things properly or behave because you don’t really trust yourself or others around you. Men are attracted to you in that way, because unknowingly you set up the conditions that recreate that “crossing the line”, crossing the boundary in your life. I wouldn’t blame you for it. It is essentially where you are stuck in your life and it’s all you really know.

I’ll bet that period of your life really consumes you and I am so sorry for that, honey. No one should have to endure that kind of abuse or any kind of abuse, especially as a child. It must have been so difficult for you growing up, trying to make sense of those things. But you are not alone in your pain and your grieving. You just need someone outside of the situation, a professional, who can help you navigate those murky waters. If you don’t this will continue to haunt you and affect the quality of your life and the lives of those around you. Get some of your strength back, your voice, and get some help today.

I disagree with the ‘chemical imbalance’ as that is a term used by psychiatrists which are only out to prescribe you psychotropic drugs that enhance depression and other feelings. They block receptors in your brain which is unnatural and harmful to the body.

I will never turn to pharmaceuticals as I have watched documentaries and researched the vast negative effects these chemicals have whilst these big pharma companies are raking it in when they don’t even care if people die from taking their products.

Thanks but no thanks.

Focaccia9, Samantha, Frank and Demitra,

Thank you for your responses. I feel that what you have explained most fits my situation.

I have tried counseling before but it felt fake and I didn’t feel like I was getting much out of it. Maybe I didn’t stick with it long enough.

As for my cousin, I didn’t really think much of it until I opened up to my partner about it. I kind of just swept it under the carpet like it never happened. I still don’t know how to look at it or feel about it. I don’t really think about it as much anymore. Maybe I just needed time to heal?

I haven’t hurt myself in around 2 years, I really try hard to not let myself get to that stage but I think my soul is broken from it. I have punched myself in the head a couple of time since then but I think that was more because I was drunk. I realize now that a lot of anger comes out when I’ve been drinking so I have decided to quit that.

Sometimes I feel like there is some kind of entity haunting me but I haven’t developed the spiritual skills to really sense what is going on in that realm.

I am more concerned about how I affect others because that’s what really makes me upset. I feel guilty and stupid for acting or saying certain things which is the main cause for me wanting to hurt myself, it’s like a self-punishment type of thing.

I think I made my first post sound worse than what it is. This year has actually been the best and happiest for the last 9 or so years.

Thank you again for your replies, it has put a bit of a different perspective on things.

Sorry, you feel that way. I am not an advocate of psychiatric drugs at all and you can disagree all you want as denial is a mechanism the body uses to cope. It still does not negate the fact that you still have emotional issues.

And it’s one thing to go into a little corner, living your life and not having it affect anyone else. Fine. But when you put someone else through physical and other abuse, then try to justify it and refuse to do anything about it on top of drinking. Well, I really don’t understand why your boyfriend is still with you unless he has issues and is emotionally damaged as well.

If you want to know more about entities and how they may have hooked into your energy field, I highly recommend the book entitled, “Remarkable Healings: A Psychiatrist Discovers Unsuspected Roots of Mental and Physical Illness” by Shakuntala Modi, M.S. It’s truly enlightening, to say the least.

If you go to Amazon you can read a brief summary of this doctor’s one of a kind book.

I think coming out like this to try to find some solace or support for the ways you’ve been feeling is really brave and takes so much courage. Some people just like to keep it hidden away and pretend like there isn’t anything wrong.

I think therapy and finding the right therapist is a unique endeavor and should cater to the individual. When I sought counseling, it took about 3 tries before I found the right counselor for me, someone who I felt really understood me and wasn’t just nodding their head all the time in agreement.

I think it’s probably really important to seek out professional help because it is pretty difficult to understand certain things on your own, without a qualified outside perspective. I had tried many outlets, self-help books, meditation, talking it out with certain close friends.

but it wasn’t until I found a therapist right for me that I started to fully understand what my feelings were about certain things and where they come from. The human mind is so complex, so much information to process, that it’s hard to do it alone.

I would venture to say that the reason you might be so hard on yourself when it comes to how you may be affecting others is a very complex thing and interwoven very much with the trauma you’ve been through.

Some abuse cases do not know how to process the guilt and shame they may feel and they tend to blame themselves often, that somehow they might have done something wrong, otherwise why else would God inflict something so painful on someone? It’s not the case at all, and it was not your fault; it was your cousin who should’ve known better and instead of harming you, should have been there to protect you.

It is nice that you don’t think about it often, but it may be a protective mode, so you don’t crumble. Some things are so deeply painful that people can block them out instantly as if it barely existed; yet, it is difficult for them to navigate through areas of life sometimes and they don’t understand why.

It’s all very intricately woven together in the fabric that makes up the blanket of our lives. It is not too late to get help for yourself and to come to some kind of understanding about why you feel and may act out on certain things the way that you do.

You can help yourself move forward so you can love honestly, deeply and truly, and from a very loving place inside of yourself. You deserve to love yourself just like anyone else would. I wish you good luck, my friend.

I appreciate your time in writing to me, it has given me hope to learn more about myself.

Yes I was a bit nervous about sharing some details as I wasn’t sure if people would judge me. I’m glad to have made some sort of connection through this avenue which will open the door to the next level.