“The grave’s a fine and private place, but none, I think, do there embrace.” – Andrew Marvell

Valentine’s day is approaching and if you’re single the way I am then I’m sure you’re tempted to be bitter while all your friends (mathetmatically if you’re single all your friends have someone) are out with their loved ones wrestling in jello or whatever it is they do. This is not the time for bitterness, though. That’s why I quoted Marvell. If you walk around like a gloomy asshole on Valentine’s day then you’re certainly going to get your wish of spending it alone. Zero embracing. I’ve been the shoulder a lot of friends have cried on for the days leading up to many a Valentine’s day in the past, and the underlying message of people who don’t have someone is often, “I Hate Valentine’s day. It’s just commercial bullshit. I’m single.” It’s not always in that order, but that’s the general message. I can understand jealousy, too, trust me. It’s one of my favourite words ever. I’m very good at fighting my jealousy, but it will always be a fight. Viva la struggle!

The big thing is, a lot of people are single too and they’re also kind of interested in finding someone, especially on Valentine’s day. I mean, how romantic is that? We met on Valentine’s day and we’ve been together since. It’s like one of those movies I always get sucked into on television and end up crying about at the end. God damn you, Meg Ryan. The snag with this little scenario is no one goes out on Valentine’s day and kicks down doors, looking for grumpy single people who can’t even be bothered cheering up and trying. When was the last time you went to a bar and went cruising for angry, depressed people? Okay, granted, last Thursday. Most people have way higher standards than you do, though. You’ll have to try harder.

Not that much harder, though. It’s a day where people are actively going out looking for someone new. It’s a day of lowered standards! If you spend this Valentine’s day being glass is half full and going out and trying I think you’ll find there’s no reason to get so upset. Even if you get to the end of the day and you don’t meet someone, at least you know you tried. I can sleep way better knowing I tried and just didn’t have any luck than I tried to ruin the day for other people and only got more upset when it didn’t work. In high school I didn’t have any girlfriends but every year on Valentine’s day I would pick a random girl from the yearbook and send her a candygram (a card and a chocolate) without putting my name on it. It felt so much better to try to make someone’s day like that than to walk around under a thundercloud. I also sent myself some candygrams, because I deserved them.

You know when you go to a party or a bar, or any place where people meet and start down the road to procreation, and you see a person of the appropriate sex for you who is in a great mood and talking to people and making them laugh? Isn’t that the kind of person you want to be around? Doesn’t that kind of turn your crank a tiny bit? It turns mine all the way around. That’s the kind of person you want to be on Valentine’s day. If you don’t want to go out I can completely get behind that as well. Sometimes it’s better to stay home and watch movies, even ones with Meg Ryan in them. Sometimes it’s better to think of the person you’re currently taken with and just be happy you know they exist. The underlying message here is to not take it personally that you don’t have someone on Valentine’s day. Look at me, I don’t have anyone and I wear nothing but sexypants. If you have someone for Valentine’s day then look elsewhere for advice. You’re not my people.