Monday, January 2, 2012

26th July '11

As long as I live, or survive, will I never ever be able to forget this date. 26th July 2011. The day I realized the truth; about me; about the both of us.

I spent seconds, minutes, days erecting this huge barrier in my mind; this dam to hold back your thoughts, your memories; and I was doing fine, until I slipped for a moment and this crack appeared in that dam. That tiny crack was enough to bring down all my defenses, all my resistances. The dam holding you back just came tumbling down and all those memories just came pouring in, flooding my mind, invading it until all I could think about was you. But you know how strong my denial can be. I kept on placating myself that it was nothing, and I was so over you, and not missing you the least bit. The entire holidays, with every message that I sent you, every time that I spoke to you over the phone I kept on telling myself that I have so moved on. The night before you were to arrive at manipal, I couldn’t sleep. I set an alarm on my phone so that I could wake up early morning and have ample time to go back to my room from S’s and take a shower and look my best for you. This tiny voice kept on nagging at the back of my head though, kept on asking me why the hell I was bothering to do so much for you. After all we were just friends now right? But I shut it down.

But the moment I saw you, in front of FC, wearing a yellow t-shirt, I knew. I knew that I was nowhere even close to being over you; knew that I hadn’t been able to move on even the tiniest bit since our breakup even though I tried my ass off; knew that I still was as much in love with you as before; knew that I wanted you back in my life again, despite the possible heartbreaking consequences.

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I'm half-delusional most of the time; and completely so, the rest of it. Trying my ass off to get some peace and quiet, while the three separate voices in my head bicker and fight with each other throughout an endless identity crisis that is my life.