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1.

It sure is nice outside. A nice day for a walk, or a run, a bike ride… something. Not being in here. Since I’m always in here.

“You should go outside, it’s a beautiful day,” is what my dad will say if I ask him, “what should I do?” because I’m stumped with boredom.

Go. Outside.

Obvious, right? I mean, everyone likes to go outside. Outside is where good things happen. That’s where life is, man! It’s healthy for your body and soul, or some bullshit. Right outside.

I’ve been outside before. Been there, done that. Nothing special. Didn’t make me happy. No reason to believe it’d be any different this time, right? Not a whole lot changes out there. I could be exploring the unending world of the web, man! Seeing the world! I’ve seen much more here than I’ve ever seen outside!

Yeah, forget it. Let’s stay in. No reason to go outside and do the same shit I did last time I went out there. So boring. I don’t even remember when that was, it was so unmemorable. Let’s stay inside and go online!

So I check up on my sites. No comments today on my blog, but okay, that’s cause I haven’t posted. Nothing interesting being shared on the social sites right now. A couple of my webcomics have updated, so I read those in about five minutes. No new email.

Man, this is boring.

Hey dad, what should I do?

2.

Outside. Outside. Outside. Outside. Outside. I’m doing it man! I’m fucking doing it! Look at me! Haha! Outside! This is where the party starts, right?! God, the wind on my face and arms! I’m riding my bike, my beach cruiser, such a fucking cool bike, red, little skulls on the end of the handles, dice in the spokes (are those things called spokes?), fucking flames and shit painted on it, wicked cool bike! I’m in my red pajamas too, so I look like a fucking spotlight on the run! “You’ll never take me alive!” Haha! Life can’t even catch up to me! I’m going faster than you can possibly fucking fathom! I should be in a fucking marathon race or something!

I’m cutting through neighborhoods that I know all to well. I told you, right? I’ve ridden this bike before. It’s not like I don’t ride it, not like I never go outside, see? If I didn’t, I wouldn’t know my way around town so easily! It’s not like I drive! I’m tearing it up man, you don’t even know. I’ve got SKILL. My jacket is all billowing out behind me ’cause I’m speeding so fucking hard. My hair is whipping around, I should’ve put that mess in a ponytail, but I look so damn cool right now I don’t even care.

A few turns here and there, down the boulevard, another neighborhood, some backroads, I don’t even have a destination in mind, just aimlessly riding for as long as I feel like it, turning heads everywhere because what the fuck was that red blur that just sped by? That was me, bro! Sorry if I startled you! Just gonna blaze on through. I’m starting to get bored now. I’m, what, 20 minutes from home? This seems like a pretty good time to head back, I guess.

3.

It’s started raining later in the afternoon, but it’s not so bad. It’s a sun-shower, kind of cute, really. I watch it through the window over my desk, and I feel this odd sense of peace. Like, maybe sitting here doing nothing isn’t so bad. Maybe that’s all I need in life. A modest life. “All you need is a modest house in a modest neighborhood.” – Same ‘Ol Road, by Dredg. Good advice, right? “The richest soil that is drenched with the freshest rain.” That’s what this is. The fresh rain watering the rich soil of happiness. I need a cigarette.

I go pick one up off of my desk along with an ashtray, head to the window, open it up, put the ashtray on the windowsill, light up the sweet cancer stick, and blow smoke through the screen. It looks peaceful out there, but I can’t exactly smoke in the rain, so I just enjoy the white noise and the soft breeze wafting in. This is nice. This, I like. I could do this all day. I won’t, though, because I don’t want to smoke more than once at a time. I’m a casual smoker, and I don’t need to go getting myself addicted. I’ll just enjoy the fleeting happiness here.

I dash out the finished cigarette in the ashtray. That’s it, I suppose. I close the window. The sudden loss of white noise is jarring, and suddenly the air feels very stale again. I feel myself coming down, like off of a high. The sober feeling guides my way back to the computer. It lingers just a bit, and washes away. The day is on again. The boredom returns.

Let’s look at some porn.

4.

I open up my laptop on my bed, open my shirt, open my pants, and start looking up random search terms that come to mind. Just about anything will do. I’m not that picky. I mean, there’s only so much that I really like. But I’ll get off on pretty much whatever I come across.

So what am I? In this sexual fantasy soon to begin?

The boy?

The girl?

On top?

On bottom?

Taking?

Giving?

Which holes?

Which things to fill them?

“This way and that way and this way and that way, oh how sex implores you.” – Stretch Out and Wait by The Smiths

I can be whatever I want to be. Just so long as I’m alone.

Decisions, decisions.

5.

After resting for a while, I’m back up, and I’m dancing! Dancing around the room and singing! This is the real way to have fun by yourself! I could do this all day, and I might!

God, I’ve got such a great singing voice. Great for this song, great for a lot of songs. I should write music! I’ve got friends who can play instruments, too! That’s what I’ll do, maybe. That’s where I’ll go with my life. I’ll become a singer, and I’ll sing and dance on stage in front of everyone. That’s the kind of life I want. All that raw emotion and expression, the furious, jubilant, beautiful throws of music and dance.

I dance with rhythm and rhyme, though without style or practice. My dance is a pure reflection of my soul, unorganized, uncontrollable, unbelievable, beautiful to those who wish to believe it. This is my life. This is who I am. I sing and I dance and that’s what I do.

6.

The worst. The worst. The worst. The worst. The worst. The worst. I’m the worst. I’m the worst. This is hell. This is hell. This is the ultimate hell. This is the worst. I am the worst. The worst. The worst.

I’LL KILL EVERYTHING! I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL ME! I’LL KILL THE WHOLE FUCKING PLANET! JUST GIVE ME THE BUTTON I HAVE TO PRESS TO MAKE ALL OF THIS SHIT GO AWAY.

“Fuck the world.

A lot of people gotta die tonight.

Fuck the world.

Fuck ‘em all.”

– One Trillion Dollars by Anti-Flag

7.

Back on the bike again. Riding again. Fast again. My tears are streaming down my face, drying in the wind’s unstoppable force.

Go.go.go.go.go.

My heart’s pounding so loud that it’s all I hear resounding my my skull. I can’t stop. I can never stop. Don’t die. Don’t lie down like this. This isn’t the end, it’s only the beginning, it’s always the beginning, because there is no end!

Take control!

Go with it!

Charge on!

Take it with your hands!

Win it in your soul!

GO!GO!GO!GO!GO!

This is the real me. My soul crying out in pain, glorious pain, the pain that pathes the road to victory, passion, love, happiness, a pain of necessity, the greatest feeling, accomplishment, pride, true, real, complete joy!

GO!!!!!!!!!!!

FULL SPEED!!!!!!!!

FULL FUCKING SPEED!!!!!!!!

I WILL NEVER STOP!!!!!!!

8.

Feeling good now. Had a good ride. Back at home.

Yes! My friend is here! Dave!

“So fucking badass!” No one actually said that, it’s just my general feeling about Dave. He’s got his acoustic guitar over his shoulder! Right when I walk through the door, he’s playing a song! He’s gotten so much better at this!

“I’ll gonna sing some fucking crazy shit, lay me down a riff.”

He quickly dreams up a riff. We don’t even leave the fucking room to go sit down nor head to my room or any shit like that. We just stop right there and he breaks out this soulful-ass fucking tear-jerking riff, and I start singing.

“Dicks are for my friends—when they come to my house!” – Dicks Are For My Friends by Mindless Self Indulgence

This always happens.

9.

Dave leaves. He only had a little while to stop by. Cool anyway, I had stuff I wanted to do. See, I came up with this awesome idea to write something while I was out riding my bike. Now I’m gonna lay down some fly shit. First let me just check my sites again… okay yeah still nothing happening. So we’ll get to work. Where am I going to write this? Make a new site? No you know what fuck it this neeeds to happen now no dicking around, just open up the first word processor I’ve got. Okay cool. We’ll start. Title… title title title…. fuck it forget the title not important. Oh, let’s put on some music… not sure what, fuck, let’s uh just put on the first CD I see. This is good. Yeah, this spontenaity works. Okay. We’re doing this! I know this! It should start off like wildfire! Write the first word in your head, go!

“Blood.”

FUCK! IT’S ALWAYS THIS! EVERY TIME! HOW AM I TO BELIEVE I CAN DO THIS SHIT WHEN IT STARTS OFF LIKE THIS?! IT ALWAYS HAPPENS THIS WAY!

This is no good no good no good gotta change this can’t start like this god damn it, not on this, this isn’t even like this, don’t need to go at it all in one go, calm down, think it over, you’re just going to hate it if you make some random post-modern bullshit anyway, let’s reconsider. Okay. Okay, uh… okay. Alright but it’s not like we have to stop. This frustration is counter-productive really. This is going about it the wrong way. The first sentence doesn’t matter. Even if it starts like the others it won’t be like the others if I don’t let it be like the others. Yeah, that’s right. Let’s go at it. Um… describing the room? Why does it always begin in a room? Why do I keep repeating myself? No it doesn’t matter it’s not like those other stories were finished. If this one finishes, then it’s the first time I’ve started off describing a room. Okay we can just go at this really. So let’s do this.

Done! See how easy that was? God, I love you guys. You guys rock. You always have the best ideas. I’m so glad we did this. I feel so good about myself. I’m re-inspired all over again. This is so great! I can’t even decide what I want to do, I’ve actually got a few great ideas now! This is exciting! Okay okay but seriously I can’t talk about it anymore. I need to actually get started so I can actually get some of this done. Don’t want it to turn out like what I was doing earlier, long story, totally fail project. Ditched the whole thing. Yeah I don’t know what I was thinking when I planned that. Total retread of shit I’ve already got going on. This is so much better. Alright, okay, let’s do something. You know, I actually feel like I’m in the mood to read one of these books I haven’t finished now. I feel like this will be even more inspiring; man, it’ll be coming out of my armpits all the inspitration!

11.

Reading this book. Oh my god this is so fucking good. I can’t believe I didn’t read this already. What took me so long? So lazy! Reading all those other books first! I need to learn how to prioritize better. Man, this is already really inspiring, and I’m only halfway through! I really feel like I wanna write something like this. Maybe I should start taking notes in one of my notebooks so that I’ll have some ideas for when I finish this.

But man this is so good, I really don’t think I could make something this good. But I mean I don’t have to, and I don’t necessarily want to. I just should take the elements from here that I like and affix them to my own style in my story. I can really enhance my style like this. Man this book really is so good I’m not gonna be able to put it down until I finish it. Fucking hell I love this thing. If I ever write something this good, I think I’ll be satisfied with my life, honestly. I think I can call myself a writer if I do that. I really think that’s how it’ll be one day. I can’t wait! I should write more! What am I doing?! I have to practice! I won’t just get this good magically, you know!

12.

SO I’M WRITING NOW. JUST WRITING STUFF AS IT COMES TO MIND. THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, RIGHT? ALL AT ONCE? MERCILESSLY? NEVER LOOKING BACK?

I want to get better, so…

practice…

practice…

don’t really know what I’m writing. Just hoping that I get better. All these short form works seem a little counter-productive to writing a full-length novel, but I really don’t have the drive for that yet. I don’t think I’m good enough. Gotta keep practicing. But man I really don’t feel these shorts. I don’t think I’m moving fast enough. I’ll never make a career out of this at this rate. Am I doing this right? Is this really what I should be doing?

13.

You know, I think I’ve got a bright future ahead of me. I think my dreams are within my reach. I just need the patience and diligence. Dad is right, I can’t just sit around indoors my whole life. I need to embrace what else there is in life. The outside. The rest of the world, that I keep trying to escape.

I should learn to accept the world. Befriend people. Become responsible and adult. Waste less of my time doing nothing.

I should work. Fill my soul with real work. And all the while, never rest on my passions. I have to work towards them. I have to be the person I want to be the way I want to be it.

Life isn’t about sitting around. It’s about progress, work, reality. Let’s wake up from this dream. End this ceaseless self-battery. It’s time to step out. It’s time to fullfill what I know in my heart is the true meaning of my life.

I’m ready.

I’m truly ready.

I think I can go get a job now.

I think I can be happy.

-13.

Ahaha.

What am I doing?

So I’m on the net yeah, got some stuff done today:

Updated my blog

Came up with this bitchin story concept (I think this is the one, gonna write a novel and make some money!)

FINALLY finished that book I’ve been holding off on. SO GOOD.

Dad’s still on me about getting a job. Maybe he’s right. Probably. I just really don’t want to do it. I don’t know. I think I can probably move forward in my own way. I think once I write something really good he’ll see that I can do it. I don’t know. I really don’t want to work, honestly. Not in the slightest bit. It sounds as bad as school. I know I’ll fail if I can’t even care about it enough to go through with it.

Not gonna think about that right now though, I’m really enjoying myself. I’m pretty inspired right now. I think I’ve finally emerged from the darkness of my past and am ready to step into a new light.

I really can’t wait. I think this is what I’ve been building up to until now. All the failed schooling and the lack of a job… it wasn’t for nought. It brought me to where I am, on the precipice of a great opportunity.