Wendy Parker

Tom Jones lives on

We’ve been traveling the back roads of rural Texas the past couple of days, through tiny towns and vast expanses. I’m not really fond of Texas, but I’ll have to say the back roads are pretty neat. We got so far out the first night, we ended up staying in an abandoned gas station for our break. It looked exactly like something from a Rob Zombie movie, and I’m pretty sure there was at least one snake and a Sasquatch watching us from the woods, waiting for one of us to screw up and get out of the truck in the dark so they could eat our face off. Let’s suffice it to say I didn’t sleep well.

We passed a lot of abandoned strip clubs along the way. One in particular had what I’m assuming were supposed to be pictures of beautiful women painted on the windows, either by someone who was pitifully nearsighted or completely cross-eyed. The decaying sign out front read, ‘What’s Up Pussycat?’ and advertised steak dinners served by naked women. Apparently that’s a real draw – it seems to be advertised at every club we see on the highway. I’m completely grossed out at the thought of any stranger serving food to me naked, and my mind goes immediately to where exactly they would wear a hair net. Do they make special hair nets for such service, or do you take your chances with an unpleasant dining experience?

“Look babe, if we’d have come by ten years ago, we could have gotten a steak dinner at the What’s Up Pussycat.”

“I’ll tell you what’s up. The place closed because all those women on the windows look like Tom Jones. Who wants to see Portia on center stage with her testicles hanging out of her g-string?”

“Maybe they catered to a different type of clientele. Like blind people.”

“You’d have to be blind to miss Tina the bartender mixing your drink with her penis.”

“Tina has to make a living, too.”

“Looks like the kind of place you’d get a rash from sitting down at.”

“Do you ever visit naked dining places when I’m not with you?”

“Hell no. I haven’t had a tetanus shot in years. I’m not taking any chances.”

“So if you suddenly go and get a tetanus shot, I’ll know you’re planning on eating food served by women with balls?”

“If I suddenly go get a tetanus shot, it’s because I suddenly gashed myself with a rusty piece of metal. You know I’m not out here to do anything other than make money and take care of my family.”

“And catch a picture of Sasquatch. Don’t forget that.”

“We missed Sasquatch, babe. She was the featured dancer on Saturday nights at the What’s Up Pussycat Lounge.”