Politics/Government

Hoping to cash in on the huge uptick in sales of its
Etch-a-Sketch classic toy, thanks to its association with
Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, Hasbeen Toys is
re-releasing several other new toys and games, each associated with
a candidate for the Republican nomination.Hasbeen is releasing a full line of Republican Candidate toys, including the already famous Mitt Romney Etch-a-Sketch, the Rick Santorum God Simon and the Newt Gingrich Rubik's Cube that's easier to disassemble and "cheat on."

According to Hasbeen, its stock surged 125 percent after one of
Mitt Romney's key advisors likened his candidate to an
Etch-a-Sketch, with the ability to erase and forget any previous
position and start over with new ones with a simple upside-down
shaking. Surprised and pleased with the ability of its toy to be
used as a political prop, the toymaker is introducing additional
new versions of older toys that it hopes to connect with each
candidate.

For example, the Newt Gingrich Rubik's Cube will feature a very
loose inner core, so if you aren't smart enough to actually solve
the Cube, but want people to think you're really smart, you can
"cheat on it" and easily disassemble the pieces and reassemble them
to "solve" the puzzle and try and impress the really
unintelligent...

Alabama Senator Dick "Shelby" Charger (R) panned President
Barack Obama's "State of the Union" address, saying the president
was just another "Northern Elite" who never considers the "State of
the Confederacy," which he believes still exists in
2012.A Senator from Alabama conjures this image of President Barack Obama delivering a "State of the Union" address that ignores the "State of the Confederacy."

"Just look at the title of his little speech," noted Charger.
"The Union is a divisive term for those of us in the Mighty South.
He might as well have called it the 'State of the Northern
Aggression.' Those of us in the Confederacy don't recognize this
Kenyan socialist and his anti-white stances."

Although the phrase State of the Union was written into Article
II of the U.S. Constitution when adopted in 1787, Charger notes
that it wasn't called that until Franklin D. Roosevelt used it in
1937.

"Roosevelt was a Democrat, and most likely a Communist," added
Charger. "He used the word Union to alienate and degrade fine,
white southern gentlemen like myself. And Barack Hussein Obama is
carrying on that tradition."

Charger proposed a counter-speech to be prepared each year by a
loyalist to the Confederate States of America, which most people
outside of the south believe were defeated in the Civil War in
1865. The...

Under severe prosecution and duress, former presidential
candidate Herman Cain's mistress, Ginger Snap, admitted that she
was "implanted" as Cain's concubine more than a decade ago by none
other than Karl Rove and his shadow organization of Republican
secret agents. Ms. Snap gave up these details after being hooked up
to a lie-detector machine on the Howard Stern Show, which is well
known for forcing quasi-celebrities into admitting somewhat
truthful trivia about themselves.A lie-detector-based interview on The Howard Stern show revealed that former Republican frontrunner Herman Cain's mistress was planted in that role by Karl Rove and his secretive Free Jagoff's Society.

Snap was asked by Stern how she met Herman Cain, and after her
original answer of "while pretending to choke down some Godfather's
Pizza" elicited a "false" reading on the lie detector, she admitted
that she has been a loyal member of Rove's "Free Jagoff's Society"
and was ordered to be Cain's mistress for as long as was
necessary.

"Karl and his lieutenants maintain a huge list of potential
Republican political candidates," said Snap. "Herman, as one of the
few black Republicans in the country, popped up on the Society's
radar a long time ago. So Karl sent me in to 'put some dirt on
him.' Sure, Karl knew about all the sexual harassment Herman had
been up to for a really long...

Gearing up for his re-election campaign, President Barack Obama
announced he would again be running on a campaign for "change in
the White House." However, unable to enact much actual change in
the halls of Congress, we said he was going to shift his goals to
things he could actually accomplish, such as changing his physical
appearance.President Obama announced that his re-election campaign would focus on change that wasn't as difficult as he promised last election, vowing to alter such things as his personal grooming and wardrobe. One item he promised to change, if re-elected, was his facial hair, noting that he could grow a "cool-ass goatee."

"America, and I, didn't realize just how hard it would be to
change the politics in this great nation," stated Obama. "I tried
my ass off--I really did. But we lost that one Senate seat in
Massachusetts, and then we lost the House, and I couldn't get crap
changed after that. It seems you need a 'super majority' to get
anything really done, and I don't know if that will ever be
possible. And Republicans are hell-bent on vetoing anything I do
now, so I'm going to focus my next four years on things I can
definitely change.

"For starters, if re-elected, I'm going to change my facial
hair," added Obama. "I'm not great at growing a beard, and I don't
want to look like Rutherford Hayes or...

In a stunning development, one of the frontrunners to win the
Republican Presidential nomination, Mitt "Mittens" Romney, withdrew
from the race, admitting that he had too many permanent flaws to
win the nomination from hardcore, Tea-Party-crazed Republican
primary voters.Today, Mitt Romney waved goodbye as he announced he was no longer seeking the Republican nomination for President, citing his damning and scandalous inability to speak "crazy talk."

"Unfortunately, I'm not a complete moron," said Romney, noting
his stubborn adherence to live in a reality-based world. "I can't
just say whatever crazy-ass thought pops into my head, and that's
currently what it takes to win the Republican nomination. I've
tried practicing such techniques in the mirror, saying things like
'Obama is a Kenyan Manchurian Candidate bent on destroying the
United States,' but when it comes time to say them during a debate
or campaign speech, I just can't get the words out. It's like I
have some type of brain disorder that won't allow me to spout wild,
dangerous lies. I'm just not cut out for this."

Romney pointed to a particular moment during the last Republican
debate when he knew he could no longer compete with his rivals, who
are...