One mother's attempt to grab life by the short and curlies following divorce. The aim is to maximise optimism and minimise cynicism - whilst being aided and abetted by two amazing sons, some great friends and possibly a thimble or two of wine. Admittedly, these are rather lofty aims...

Monday, December 28, 2009

Oh Sod It, Let's Have Yet Another Man Update

So after a four week hiatus I spent the past 36 hours with Green Eyed Man. I could have cut the date short by a good 24 hours or so and been happy but what he lacks in many areas I guess he makes up for in tenacity.

If I was going to be my true, evil, bitchy, judgmental self I would be totally honest and tell you that I find GEM, despite his hunky physicality, to be a little bit of a drip. I would confess that spending too much time in his company is tedious and generally rescued by downing several vodka tonics, at which point I can generally see the good in pretty much anybody. And then of course there's the sex. Oh my. So if I am drunk or we are in bed then things are good. It's when I am sober and we are spending time together, possibly even conversing, that things start to go a little down hill.

Of course, I am not going to reveal my true, horrific nature to you because there is nothing pretty or like-able about the real me. And being so critical of someone who is so incredibly thoughtful and lovely to me makes me feel like such a heinous witch. I just wish I didn't find him quite so...dull.

The fact that I have held GEM at arms length for many weeks only seems to have piqued his interest further and increased his ardor a hundred fold. He has sent me cards, texted me regularly, called every couple of days...most of which I have ignored. I wasn't trying to be rude - or even end things - I just didn't have the slightest urge to be with him or talk to him with everything else going on, which I suppose is quite telling. I was honest with him to a point. I told him that I only wanted things to be casual, that my feelings for my ex were a little confused and that Christmas is an emotionally charged time for me. Also that my priority during the lead up to Christmas was maximising the time with Subversive Mum. (It somehow slipped my mind to mention that I was also dating another guy, but being new to all this I am not quite sure how much honesty is really necessary.)

But I guess in truth, I am just 'not that into him'.

I wish I was. He is such a sweet guy. He reminds me a little of ex when we first got together - totally besotted and placing me high up on a pedastal way before I have earned the privilege. I spent years performing death dives off the damn thing on a regular basis, to no avail, only to find one night (when I was a little pre-occupied with a 6 month old baby and an exhausting toddler) that ex had dismantled the pedastal while I was grabbing my precious 4 hours of sleep and had ceremoniously destroyed all the pieces. I have been trying to resurrect a home-made version ever since, but craft and DIY has never been a particular talent of mine. Maybe it's time I just laid that specific preoccupation to rest.

So what is it about GEM that isn't quite cutting the mustard?

I think part of it is that he has lived quite a sheltered, unambitious life. He hasn't really been anywhere or done anything. There is very little for us to actually talk about. He is only 2 years older than me, but he might as well be 20 years older because it's as though he's from a different generation at times. There was a particularly awkward moment recently when he had his eyes closed reverently listening to American Jazz and the thought crossed my mind, 'Oh my God, this is just like dating my dad'. Needless to say, there was no rumpy-pumpy that night and hence followed a 4 week hiatus.

I do find it quite flattering that he finds me so 'intellectually stimulating and challenging' and yet this also provides further evidence that he is not quite the sharpest cheese on the cracker. Let's face it - I have a very high opinion of my own opinion and a very elevated view of my own intelligence. But I am also smart enough to know that this is predominantly fallacy and wishful thinking. While living in my own little dream world, this type of thinking is not just understandable but positively encouraged. In the real world however I am a little skeptical of people who aren't intelligent enough to see through the illusion.

And that's the crux of the matter - he's lovely, caring, handsome, sexy, thoughtful, tolerant and endlessly kind and giving. It's obvious we have very little in common. And whilst I thought I really wanted - needed - all these fabulous traits, it turns out that if I am not challenged and can't share an interest in the world, different cultures, music and 1980s/1990s British TV in return, then the spark just isn't there.

So I regret to confess he is no longer a Love Interest but, on my part at least, has been relegated to Friend with (Special Skills) Benefits.

And then of course there is The Doctor. (Dr Who? I hear you chime....yeah, I wish. I have been waiting this whole post to make that one joke. I am so very lame.) Dr Disaster is living up to my instant assessment of his character. He is charismatic, highly intellectual and sexy. And boy, doesn't he know it. There is only room for one love affair in his life - and that of course is with himself.

And therein lies both the ongoing appeal and the inherent challenge.

Even if he were to meet a woman that knocked his socks off, I don't think right now he has either the time or inclination to change his independent lifestyle. We have been out for drinks 3 times and the last date was fantastic. He is funny and clever and gets my jokes and ironic comments without having to have them explained, and that admittedly is a huge turn on. That was over 3 weeks ago and I haven't seen him since.

He has texted twice, so I know he is still interested at least a little. But he has been out of town for most of December (he is currently sunning himself with friends in Miami, the bastard) and when he was available I had other plans that I wasn't prepared to cancel. I have no idea when I will hear from him again - and I am intelligent enough to know that this is an indication of the fact that he really is not that into me. But I am also a dumb enough to know that when he does finally text, I will see him again. And in being so available will probably kill any chance of piquing his interest beyond 'possible future leg-over' status.

Not that there is any chance of that happening unless he ups the ante. After all, I have my green eyed back up if there is any surplus sexual energy that I want to get rid of. That's one thing I have learnt over the past 12 months - sex can quite simply be just sex, particularly when a 'connection' isn't reciprocated. And sex can be fun...but not when you want it to mean something more. And I can't bear to give him the satisfaction of being just another conquest, no matter how damn attractive I find him. I may not be worth much. But I am worth a little more than that.

Although if GEM were to ever read this post, I am not quite sure he would agree with me.

I think it was Expat Mum who heard the alarm bells ringing way back at the beginning, when you were talking about how little GEM had travelled, or experienced life, and how little he wanted to.

So maybe she is wise, and maybe you should heed her advice in the comment above.

The thing that really strikes me about this post, is how very in touch with your feelings you are. You are such a 'together' person, but I don't think you see that. Your analysis of people, your feelings for them, their likely reactions, is very perceptive.

Why don't you double-date the both of them? Sounds like the perfect solution! hahaha You can have GEM to your right and Dr Disaster on your left. OR, go to dinner/coffee with Dr D and line up a booty call with GEM when you get home.