A look into the creative chaos of a stay at home mom of two

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“You’re turning 40! We should have a party!” My husband exclaimed! “HELL NO!” I responded before the thought barely left his lips. Honesty the popularity of my “friends list” on Facebook stops there. My besties live in Vegas and Virginia for crying out loud. I don’t have the group of friends that I can just say “come over and help me kick off my midlife crisis in style.” Hell, I don’t even have a group of friends I can invite over to buy the newest beauty craze or amazing clothing line. So side note: PLEASE STOP ASKING ME! Honestly, it’s like a constant reminder that I don’t have a tribe of wine drinking mom friends to party with. And if I did have the clientele I would be selling it myself. Mama needs money to put her kids through dance classes after all! And although it’s a sad reality, I’m now okay with the lack of a true tribe. Well, maybe on the surface I’m not, but deep down I am coming to terms with the former girl who needed the spotlight to shine now being okay just standing in the wings applying the frills to let others have their moment.

I have always been a people-pleaser. I push myself to go above and beyond because I want everyone to like me. But recently I learned that I have been breaking my own heart to keep everyone else happy. Some people think that I do this to make myself look like I am better than them. I guess I will never get that. This could be further from the truth. Can’t people just be kind for the sake of being kind? No! Honestly, I do it because I want to be accepted by them. Noticed. Not left out. Seriously sometimes being an adult trying to find friends is worse than middle school! But guess what, people just don’t care as much as we think they do. They are going to go on with their lives, have their parties, sometimes invite you and sometimes not. And that is okay. Because in my new reality, I most likely don’t want to go anyway. Sure it’s nice to be included but I am perfectly happy staying in my house, no bra, no pants, no judgment. Well that’s a lie, my children are very judgmental but screw them, they are toddlers, if they don’t like my new “boy hair” it will break my heart for a minute, but I’m happy with it and that’s what truly matters. Besides, I need to have easy hair so that I can spend every waking minute styling theirs with their obnoxiously big bows. God forbid we leave the house without them. I know that is a monster I created blah blah blah… my husband reminds me of this daily! *insert eye roll emoji here*

So, I am now looking at 40 like shedding my skin. Like the caterpillar turning into a butterfly, it’s kind of like that. Only it’s not changing into something beautiful. Just beginning to feel okay with revealing what was always underneath. I want to scream, “Man, I’ve been through some shit!”, but with a smile, because I made it through! My brain doesn’t work like a lot of people. I am messy yet creative, I am outgoing but have social anxiety. I am lonely but not alone. I am a mother, but a hot mess. I am a wife, but a terrible housewife. I am funny but sad. I’m not the hottest, the youngest, the skinniest or sexiest but that’s okay because I NEVER HAVE BEEN and NEVER WILL BE! The difference is, now I just don’t care. Okay, that’s a bunch of BS I do care obviously. I wish I could win the lottery and have my excess skin removed from my wings, I mean arms. But for now, I will just tuck them into my sleeves and dream of the day I will be confident to wear something sleeveless in public again.

Now let’s get one thing clear, this blog isn’t about having a pity party for myself. It’s about putting it out there. I am just as guilty as the next mom (if not more) who creates this picture perfect image of my life on social media. But spend one day in my shoes and you will see that is far from the truth. Yes, the moments I share are real but they are almost always surrounded by crying, yelling, and DRAMA! Seriously, we really do need a camera crew to follow us around. The daily fights my toddlers have with ALEXA not understanding them and playing the wrong songs is some very entertaining footage on its own, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Can I start a gofundme for the vlogging camera now? Seriously, I can’t afford one on my own… please refer back to the dance class and big bow obsession references previously stated above.

Yes, I have been fearful of turning 40. But I decided to make a list of Pros & Cons of what life in my 30’s was truly like. I will share it now:

Pros:

Meeting My Husband

Getting Married

Getting Engaged

Buying two homes

Having two beautiful healthy daughters

Having weight loss surgery

Still having my mom in my life to call my best friend

New Kids On the Block reunited and have been going strong for the past 10 years with no sign of stopping.

Cons:

Two rounds of cancer

Miscarriage

Two high-risk scary pregnancies

Hysterectomy

Loss of loved ones & Myself

Social Anxiety

Depression

Panic attacks

As you can see my list of Pros are all wonderful celebrations of life in my 30’s. BUT the list of Cons was some majorly heavy stuff! To put it in simple terms, physically and emotionally MY THIRTIES SUCKED ASS! I honestly don’t know why I am morning them. It’s time wave my middle finger goodbye to the funk of 39 & be FORTY-LICOUS! After all having that hysterectomy got me out of menopause so there’s that silver lining! And if I get to meet a few new friends as I travel over the hill, then that is just an added bonus. But seriously still don’t ask me to host a party!