Bexar County's standing orders - which judges often adopt by default when hearing divorce cases - don't adequately account for what children need from their parents at different age levels, especially after divorce. We're addressing four different age groups in order to help parents going through divorce think about what their children need.

Teenagers are obviously more mature and more independent than any of the previous groups of children we've talked about, but it's not necessarily an easier age group.

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In parenting teens, there's a balance that should be sought. On one hand, there's the combination of structure and guidance that teenagers need as they're moving toward adulthood. They are still kids though, ultimately, having ongoing needs for bonding and nurturance and connection. There's the danger of emphasizing one extreme or the other, versus really recognizing the balance between the two.

One co-parenting challenge, similar to what presents itself with three-to-six year olds, is keeping consistency in rules. Sometimes, there's a dynamic in which one parent focuses on fun and relaxes rules, while the other parent is left to enforce homework and rules and navigating the emotions of puberty. While we might refer to this as a "weekend Disneyland dad," know that either parent can be the "fun" or the "mean" parent, and the different approaches can manifest regardless of how much time a parent has with his or her children.

Some parents, by contrast, aren't involved enough to be aware of those nuances - they might not enforce homework deadlines or college application deadlines because they're not aware when those are or that they even exist.

This is also an age in which puberty becomes an even more pronounced factors in children's lives, when boys should be asking questions of their fathers and girls should be asking questions of their mothers. When those issues come up, of course, doesn't always coincide with the calendar and the parenting schedule. So it certainly helps for each parent to have flexibility when a child needs to talk to the other parent.

There is also a provision in the Texas Family Code regarding children making their wishes known about where they want to live, which undergoes a subtle yet important shift.

According to Section 153.009, "In a nonjury trial or at a hearing, on the application of a party, the amicus attorney, or the attorney ad litem for the child, the court shall interview in chambers a child 12 years of age or older and may interview in chambers a child under 12 years of age to determine the child's wishes as to conservatorship or as to the person who shall have the exclusive right to determine the child's primary residence."

It's best, of course, if parents can make a determination that serves their children best and the children are satisfied with the arrangement. But this is something to be mindful of when determining a parenting plan, especially if it's a divorce involving older children.

No matter what age your children are, they need their parents to be engaged and aware of what their needs are. Though judges today know that it's important for both parents to be involved in the lives of their children after divorce, they're not experts on child development, and they know far less about the children impacted by a divorce than their parents. Therefore, it's important for parents to be involved and as cooperative as possible in forging a parenting plan - and in doing so, to think about what their children need as they move from phase to phase of their development.

Bexar County's standing orders - which judges often adopt by default when hearing divorce cases - don't adequately account for what children need from their parents at different age levels, especially after divorce. We're addressing four different age groups in order to help parents going through divorce think about what their children need.

The good news about parenting children in this broad age group is that they're more adaptable than children in the younger age groups, and because they're attending school full-time, they're also getting guidance and input from teachers and other adult figures. Of course, a parent's role remains vital during this time in a child's life in which a child is developing physically and emotionally.

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During this span of time -- starting about when a child is nine or ten -- a phone conversation can be meaningful, and both a parent and a child can truly get something out of it. The relationship is internalized and understood well enough for a child to where connection can take place even though he or she is not in the same room with a parent.

A four-year-old, for instance, isn't likely getting much of anything out of a FaceTime conversation - no matter how much a parent away from his or her child puts into the call. It's certainly not doing neurologically for a young child what actually being with the child does. Though its well-intentioned and meaningful to the parent, it can actually be upsetting to children before they get into this more advanced age range.

Ten to twelve is also the age range in which puberty begins, especially for girls. It's obviously a time in which it's critical for the parent of the same gender as the child to be having good, honest, open conversations. It's also important for parents to be communicating with one another. Children have access to more information via their phones than past generations, and may be asking questions or exploring certain boundaries earlier than you might have. It's good to draw from your experience, but you grew up in an entirely different world than today's kids. This is also the age when parental controls on devices with internet access is important to have consistently across households.

It's also a time in which children can get much busier with school activities, and where the schedule that worked so well during preschool might get more difficult for both parents to manage. The decree is there for parents to fall back on when there's disagreement about scheduling, but parents should know that they can also agree to one-time, semester-long, or even open-ended changes to the schedule without having to modify the decree, if it works better for the children and parents.

If one parent is unwilling to make changes, it is possible to go to court to seek modification, but it's obviously a longer, more contentious and expensive process to change a schedule in court. If you're going to try to modify the parenting plan in court, make sure you're doing so for a good reason - and make sure it's a plan you can live with going forward, as it's not necessarily a process you want to undergo a second time.

Bexar County's standing orders - which judges often adopt by default when hearing divorce cases - don't adequately account for what children need from their parents at different age levels, especially after divorce. We're addressing four different age groups in order to help parents going through divorce think about what their children need.

By age three, the Texas Family Code determines that the parenting schedule given to the parents by a judge, or agreed to by the parents, applies until the child turns 18 or graduates from high school. In reality, many parents find they need to modify a parenting plan as their children get older and do more activities.

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But the period from three to six years of age - in which children are transitioning into school, into more and more interaction with other children, and becoming more and more aware of themselves as people - is especially critical for a child's development.

The thing that that most parents don't have an appreciation for, and certainly the courts don't have an appreciation for, is that at this particular age range, there's really no such thing as self-regulation. Children are learning how to regulating their emotions, their physiology, their sleep, their appetite, but everything is still regulated in relationships with people to whom they feel connected.

Because of this, it's especially important for children to experience as much consistency as possible between the two homes. When parents have decidedly different parenting styles, it can prove very confusing for children who are beginning to learn more and more about the world and how they function within it. It can also create stress, as children operating under one set of rules at Daddy's house then go to Mommy's house, where a different set of rules come into play.

Children in the three-to-six age range really need their parents to adapt to them. Parents should not expect children to adapt to their parents, especially if there's a big difference in parenting styles, and they're getting continually mixed signals on how and how not to adapt to their settings.

The key here, as is it with so many things between parents who have divorced, is good communication. While it's not a reasonable expectation to have every household rule be the same in both houses, you should talk about keeping consistency where you can - especially with schedules and with issues like bedtime routines, limit setting and guidance strategies, food choices and screen time expectations.

You also need to be mindful of the fear and anxiety your children might experience in these age ranges. This is the first time when children become really aware of real and imaginary dangers in the world, and they're not really sure of what's real.

Parents should make sure they're emotionally responsive and helping their children navigate these new emotions. It's definitely a time where children should be allowed to have a nightlight if they express a fear of the dark, and where they shouldn't be punished for coming into your room at night because they think there's a monster under the bed.

While it's a fascinating time to be a parent, and you'll see your child make great leaps and bounds in development, it's still an age where children benefit greatly from parents who are on the same page as much as possible. It can be challenging for divorced parents to get there, but it's important - for your kids' sake - to make the effort.

Bexar County's standing orders - which judges often adopt by default when hearing divorce cases - don't adequately account for what children need from their parents at different age levels, especially after divorce. We're addressing four different age groups in order to help parents going through divorce think about what their children need.

Though the first three years is incredibly broad from a child development perspective, we're looking at parenting plans through this window because the Texas Family Code does.

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Specifically, Section 153.234 states that "the court shall render an order appropriate under the circumstances for possession of a child less than three years of age." The statute also calls for the court to "render a prospective order to take effect on the child's third birthday, which presumptively will be the standard possession order." This will either be what the court assigns to a couple relying on litigation, or whatever plan the couple agrees to if they're negotiating a settlement.

But the court acknowledges the need for a different plan for children under three, considering a number of factors including "the child's needs to develop healthy attachments to both parents" and "the child's need for continuity of routine."

You can only imagine how challenging that is during and after a divorce! In the first year of life alone, there's so much bonding and attachment taking place between mother, father, and child that it's preferable to have them all together as much as possible.

Some parents will try to address a baby's needs by having the baby go back between the mother's house and father's house each day. That's not quite the solution some parents might think it to be, because it can be difficult for a baby to find consistency going back and forth between houses, and because bonding time between parent and child is about quantity as well as quality.

Certainly, a standard possession for a non-custodial parent of one day a week and every other weekend wouldn't be sufficient for a baby and parent to bond in a way that ensures the baby will experience the parent as a primary attachment figure. (To be fair, it's woefully inadequate for other age groups, but it's especially inadequate for babies and toddlers.)

Bonding and attachment between parents and infants changes further as object permanence becomes more established toward the end of the first year of life, and the child knows that when Mommy or Daddy isn't physically right there, that she or he is somewhere. This awareness often creates increased separation anxiety and distress. Considerations that can be helpful in a parenting plan include ensuring regular and predictable contact between the child and both parents to ensure familiarity and bonding with both parents, opportunities for both parents to engage in all aspects of parenting (such as feeding, bathing, putting to sleep, and playing), and general consistency in daily routine between households. The formation of secure attachment is about both quality and quantity of time together.

The key in any parenting plan, of course, is to be cognizant of the needs of the children affected by it. For a child under three, it's particularly important for the child and both parents to factor those needs in - and it may be necessary for both parents to interact more intentionally and more often than they would for older children in order to make that happen.

One of the most relatable and troubling elements of this ongoing government shutdown is how it's affecting everyday families. Hearing about federal government employees going without paychecks, and how they're having to cope with that loss of income, has made many of us wonder what would happen if we were in their shoes.

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Even those people who don't live paycheck to paycheck can still be greatly affected by a surprise event like a government shutdown putting an income stream on pause. In family law, we see people experience the stress that comes with a different kind of disruption to income - namely, from divorce.

When a married couple divorces, they often go from being one two-income household to two one-income households - meaning they're no longer sharing mortgage or rent expenses, and each have to maintain their own household accounts. That often results in an increase in each person's out-of-pocket expenses.

A parent required to pay child support suddenly has a court-ordered expense which may come directly out of a paycheck, and though it's scaled to that parent's income, it's still a significant item to budget for.

Divorce also alters retirement plans, which a married couple often predicates on living together and having a house paid for by the time they stop working. Depending on the divorce settlement, some retirement accounts may stay intact for the person paying into it, though some may have to be liquidated to satisfy the decree's determination of how assets are split up.

We recommend, even before the divorce is final, that a person getting divorced should create a new monthly budget reflecting his or her new reality. We give our clients this worksheet to help them factor in all the categories they should thinking about. Determining what money is coming in and out allows a person to make realistic choices about keeping a house awarded to him or her in the divorce.

It also will give a person better perspective on what to ask for in the decree. For example, if a woman getting divorced has only been working part-time, and needs to ramp up to full-time work, it might be possible to negotiate temporary spousal support allowing for education or training to be eligible for such a job.

A budget can also help put priorities into perspective. A person might not be able to immediately afford everything on a wish list right after a divorce, might need to bargain hunt to get a cheaper phone plan or find an alternative to a pricy cable package.

If a divorcing couple has children, though, it's also important for both parents to discuss the children's priorities before the divorce is final. If a child is involved in a sport or other activity that involves a substantial outlay of funds, sharing the expense should be part of the decree conversation, and figuring out how to pay for it needs to be part of the budgeting process. It's obviously best to avoid the dispute that can result from one parent feeling the other parent isn't paying his or her fair share for a child.

In the meantime, try not to incur credit card debts or other quick-fix solutions to pay for expenses. Those can create additional expenses in the long run and can make it more difficult to a person to meet future budgets. If you have credit card debt already and feel that the divorce will exacerbate your situation, you may want to talk to a bankruptcy lawyer to see if your debts can be reorganized or dismissed. It can help you make a fresh start, and you can actually be better off in the long run.

At the Law Office of Lisa A. Vance, we work toward helping you achieve your best post-divorce life possible. That includes being able to budget for that life, and to make sure that you can handle the expected and even unexpected expenses you might incur.

The Texas Family Code, in creating the standard orders that many parents end up using their divorce decrees, tries to account for how parenting time is apportioned in most scenarios. There are rules governing the regular school year, the summer months, and the holiday season between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. If you look close enough, you'll even see that there's a provision for birthdays.

The parent not otherwise entitled under this standard possession order to present possession of a child on the child's birthday shall have possession of the child beginning at 6 p.m. and ending at 8 p.m. on that day, provided that the parent picks up the child from the residence of the conservator entitled to possession and returns the child to that same place.

This means that if it's Mom's night with the kids, Dad would be able to pick up the child having a birthday from Mom's at 6, do dinner or some other birthday celebration, and have the child back by 8. This allows both parents to spend time with the child on a special day -- a day on which parents absolutely want to make their child feel special.

The provision doesn't technically account for siblings, and it also doesn't account for what happens if the child doesn't get home until after 6. Like the other items in Section 153, it sets guidelines trying to apply to as many parents as possible, missing some "what if?" considerations along the way. If you're adopting this for your own decree, and you want to modify the language slightly (to guarantee two hours, or to specify a slightly longer time, or do birthday visitation on a specific day of the week rather than the child's actual birthday), you're certainly able to work with your attorney to accomplish this. Anything too far afield of the standard decree, of course, might raise questions from the other party -- so figuring out what you want out of birthday possession time, and how important it is to you, needs to figure in what you want to articulate.

Of course, as we say about everything in the parenting plan, it's supposed to be there as a guideline, to fall back on when parents can't come to agreement on what works best for their children. If there's a better birthday plan for your child than a 6-8 visit with one parent, and both parents can get on board with it, it's better to do the agreed-upon alternative.

If both parents can celebrate together with their child, especially during and immediately after the divorce, that can be something that helps the child with the transition to divorce. Of course, that's not always possible, and it's not the best option for every child, but it can be a great way for parents to demonstrate their love for their child -- and to show they can work together even though they're no longer married. If there's a day of the year where parents should come together in the best interest of a child, a birthday is at the top of the list.

If you're looking to improve, New Year's Day provides a great opportunity. The psychological boost that the new year brings with it can motivate people to start doing the things they know they should, and to stop doing the things they know they shouldn't keep doing.

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It's also a good time to get back on track if you've let something go during the holidays. Toward the end of the year, it can be easy to get sidetracked by all the things on a holiday to-do list and let certain things go until the end of the year. This can include getting on track with a divorce or with child support.

If you're in the early stages of a divorce, one of the most important things to do is to gather financial documents to give your lawyer and the courts a complete sense of your finances. It can be very involved, and it can be a very overwhelming project. It's certainly not the most fun thing you could do. But it's vitally important to the divorce process, and it's far more expensive for your legal team to get it together than it is for you to do the homework and do it yourself. It's definitely one of those situations where "the only way out is through."

If you're in the midst of a divorce, or nearing the end, it's natural to want to put things on pause during the holidays. If you have children, especially, it's better to use the holidays to focus on them and their holiday experience, rather than to get into divorce negotiations.

But once the new year arrives, it's a good time to figure out what elements are holding the divorce up and to try to reconcile them. If you're waiting on a court date, but think you, your spouse, and your lawyers might be able to settle it yourselves, it's certainly worth a try. Negotiating a settlement will be less expensive than fighting it out in court, and you have more control over the outcome than you do if you leave it up to a judge to determine your settlement.

If you find yourself behind in child support, you should know that you're having to pay 6 percent interest on what you owe, and it gets calculated each month based on what you owe. The state can also garnish it from your wages if they determine you're not paying it and you have money coming to you.

If you've run into a hardship, such as losing a job or getting less hours in a part-time job, it's best that you contact the Office of the Attorney General's Child Support Division and let them know. Until your court order is modified, you're still on the hook for what it says you owe. Once you contact the OAG's office and let them know what's going on, you can request a review of your child support obligations, and can start the process of modifying them to better reflect your circumstances. This page can tell you more about what to do.

Of course, if you don't succeed with the fresh start you try to make in the new year, there's nothing to stop you from trying again. We take the same attitude toward self-improvement than we do to divorce - if you do it with a goal in mind and keep your focus on that, you'll know that you're working toward making your life better.

It's better to give than to receive. We say it a lot around the holiday season, and while some people might think it's corny or cliché, there's definitely truth to it. Seeing the face of a child light up, when he or she is opening a present you've selected, is one of the best things about the holidays.

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It's a good time of year to think about being generous of spirit as well as with gifts. If you're currently undergoing a divorce, you might think about how you can extend the spirit of giving to your soon-to-be-ex, in order to make the divorce go more smoothly.

When we work with people divorcing in collaborative law or mediation, where the focus is on negotiation rather than litigation, we ask them at the outset what's most important to them in the settlement. Perhaps the person we're working with wants to keep the house, or wants a specific parenting schedule, or wants to make sure a retirement fund is left intact when dividing up the assets. It helps us to know what to keep off the table in a negotiation, and once we know what a person values most, we'll make sure that's part of the decree before we sign off on it.

But that also lets us know what's less important to the person we're working with - and therefore, what could be given up in order to make a settlement work out. If there's something important to the other party that doesn't matter as much to the person we're working with, such as a parcel of land that's part of the marital estate, it might be worth it to give that up to get the house or the parenting schedule or whatever else the person we're working with values most.

There's a parable we use in divorce negotiations involving an orange. Two people want the same orange - one wants the fruit for its juice, and one wants the peel for baking. It would be perceived as fair and equal to just divide the orange in two and give half to each person. But in this particular situation, the best solution for both of us isn't the most obvious one - it requires talking to both parties to understand what division would make them happy.

Giving doesn't have to just be about assets and schedules, either - the gift of a positive, solution-oriented attitude can make a divorce less hurtful than it has to be. It's natural, in the emotional cauldron of a divorce, to want to lash out and express anger and resentment.

But it's two different things to want to do it and to actually do it. By releasing those feelings in therapy, and coming into divorce negotiations with a goal of making it as professional and pleasant as possible for everyone, you'll help yourself, you'll help any children involved, and you'll possibly get a more agreeable soon-to-be-ex in the process.

One of the biggest adjustments that parents of children must make when they get divorced comes with the holiday season. There is a challenging reality a parent must face in not getting to spend every day of the holiday break with his or her children - assuming parents follow the standard guidelines laid out in Texas Family Code Section 153. Of course, it's possible to craft an alternative to what is in most divorce decrees in Texas, but as with all things decree-related, it's up to the individual set of parents to come together and craft an agreement they agree on, in the best interest of the children.

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In the Texas Family Code, Thanksgiving and the winter holiday break (covering both Christmas and New Year's Day) are covered as part of a larger section on holidays (153.314) that also cover Mother's Day, Father's Day, and a child's birthday.

In an even-numbered year (like 2018), one parent gets parenting time "beginning at 6 p.m. on the day the child is dismissed from school for the Christmas school vacation and ending at noon on December 28," and the other parent gets parenting time from noon on the 28th to the end of the winter break. The schedule then reverses for an odd-numbered year, with the parent who got the children upon school dismissal the year before getting them on December 28.

It's important to note that the parent who starts parenting time on December 28 in a given year also gets them for Thanksgiving break. Per the schedule that San Antonio ISD and a number of other Texas school districts use, that can be quite a long period of parenting time for one parent. Whereas in the past, Thanksgiving was a four-day weekend, it's now often a whole week, meaning that with school letting out for Thanksgiving break on the Friday before Thanksgiving, it's a nine-day stretch of parenting time.

Complicating the question of what's fair is complicated by the fact that using noon the 28th as the "halfway point" doesn't actually create an even amount of parenting time in many years. Collin County Judge Emily Miskel has published an alternative solution on her website, as part of an intriguing rethinking of standard orders. It asks parents to look at the calendar, consider the day the children get out of school as the first day of winter break, and change possession on the middle day of the break - which, given a typical winter break spanning 17 days between leaving school and coming back to school, would be on the 9th day of the break, or the Saturday after the first of the two weeks away from school.

It's important to remember that the holiday schedule, as everything else in the parenting plan, should center on the best interests of the children. That is the court's priority, and must be the priority of the parents as well.

While a number of couples try to "get through the holidays" before getting started with a divorce, some couples find themselves in the midst of divorce proceedings in the midst of the holiday season. And that's tough for a few reasons.

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For divorcing couples with children, Thanksgiving and Christmas are two major celebrations emphasizing family and happiness. Divorce, of course, threatens both family unity and the happiness that everyone is supposed to feel this time of year. Also, divorce is accompanied a possession schedule that reinforces one of the hardest realities of divorce for parents: They'll no longer spend every holiday with their kids.

Even for divorcing couples who don't have children, divorce brings up questions about how their lives will change, their friendships will change, and what the future will bring. The holidays are a time where we want to be at our best, and it's very hard to do that in the midst of a divorce.

So, our suggestion for couples navigating divorce during the holiday season is to try to take a break from divorce altogether. While it's impossible to put it out of mind entirely, there are ways to minimize its effects.

The first thing to do is to try to navigate a truce with your soon-to-be-ex to cover the holidays. If there's anything you're doing in communication to push the other person's buttons, pledge to stop doing that. If there are any points of contention that can be placed on hold until New Year's Day, offer that as a solution. If children are involved, the case for a truce is much easier to make -- you can reasonably propose that the truce will help you and your soon-to-be-ex's children weather what will already be a tough holiday season.

Also, focus on your children when you're with them. While you might be losing some holiday traditions with the divorce, there can be new holiday traditions at Mom's house and Dad's house that the children will come to treasure. If you believe you and the kids can hold it together emotionally for a family photo, it can be a reminder to all of you that you will still function as a family going forward, even though it's a different family than the one you had.

If there's a way to have your kids spend part of the time with Mom and part with Dad, that can help a lot of kids transition into a schedule that alternates Christmas and Thanksgiving possession every other year.

However, if your holiday ritual involves going to a different city and you want to stick with that, use the standard orders as a jumping off point, but talk things over before your truce begins and work toward a solution. It could be a template for how you handle holidays in future years, or it could reinforce what doesn't work for you when it comes time to determine parenting schedules in the decree - but come up with something you can both live with before you declare the truce, and make sure you have written (or at least emailed) documentation you can refer back to. Nothing spoils a holiday truce like a fight over who gets the kids when.

Remember, finally, to use the break from the holiday season to take time for yourself. Everyone is different in how they deal with stress and how they overcome loss, and stress and loss are certainly potent parts of divorce. However, you can use a break from the divorce, where you don't focus on the anger, to try to get yourself more calm, more rested, and ready to reconcile the divorce once the holidays are over. Finding a healthy way to get yourself more calm, with the space that a divorce hiatus gives you, will help you better enjoy the holidays and take on what comes after.

This week, the nation mourned the death of President George Herbert Walker Bush, and his loss was especially felt by all of us living in Texas, his adopted home state. It's always a time for somber reflection when a leader of his stature passes, especially when considering both his military service and his decades of public service.

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What was most striking about the eulogies for President Bush, however, was the acknowledgment of his humility, his civility, and his ability to bring factions at odds with each other together, to set aside their differences and accomplish important things.

When we remember the legacy of President Bush, we're likely to think of the Americans with Disabilities Act, a landmark piece of legislation that required Republicans and Democrats to come together, in the interest of people who overcome very real challenges in their everyday lives. It's not every President who gets the opportunity to make such a difference with landmark legislation; President Bush had the temperament and the congeniality needed to help deliver the bipartisan support required for the bill's passage.

In a Houston Public Media remembrance earlier this week, Lex Frieden, a faculty member at the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston, Baylor College of Medicine, and an activist for people with disabilities, noted that Bush's negotiating skills were essential in bringing about this life-changing legislation.

"He was very dependable, reliable partner all the way through the process of negotiating the bill, and getting it to the point that he could sign it as a law," Frieden noted, adding that he "was committed to completing the regulations needed to enforce the law and ensuring there were good enforcement mechanisms in place."

The ADA is just one reminder of the good that can come from principled, focused negotiation. In family law cases that require negotiation - including mediation, collaborative law, and in litigated cases where both parties are trying to avoid the courtroom - it's important to remember the end goal of reconciliation as opposed to the disagreements that led to the divorce.

One of the most important things to keep in mind when negotiating is that you may not be able to get everything you want out of a settlement, but you should know what's most important to you as you head into negotiations. That way, you can provide the mediator or lawyers the sense of what you ultimately, absolutely want in order to settle. If there's a way to deliver the most important elements of what each party wants in a negotiation, it's more likely that each party will consider the settlement a win.

It's also important to keep the principle of civility in mind. There will certainly be hurt feelings and unreconciled issues in any divorce, and it might take months or even years to work through those. Negotiating a settlement can be an important step in attending to those emotional needs, but it's a legal process, not an emotional one, and it requires focus on how the parties will best manage their post-divorce lives.

To think about President Bush's example, imagine if Republicans and Democrats held onto grudges from past elections and didn't attempt to work together to final ground. You might have not had the ADA helping numerous Americans - you might have, instead, had the rancor that we're experiencing now, and the stalemates that might be on the horizon now that there's likely to be a House of Representatives at odds with the current President.

Though it was sad to say goodbye to President Bush this week, it was an important reminder for us that it's possible to get along and come to solutions even in an extremely partisan time. For those of us at the Law Office of Lisa Vance, who see both the incredible conflict and the breakthrough resolutions that come in divorce, we recognize the example that President Bush set in his civility, and salute him for it.

How can a law firm be both compassionate and tough, you're wondering? Can you simultaneous be concerned for everyone involved in a negotiation and yet fight to get what one person wants? That's the challenge we take on every day at the Law Office of Lisa A. Vance, because both compassion and toughness are essential to our mission.

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On one hand, we know how hard divorce can be on families. We know that people who are getting divorced started as couples in love, and some of them still may love each other, but know that they can't live together as married couples. We also know that people getting divorced who have children love them, and hate that divorce creates confusion and even pain for their children.

Because of this, we bring a great deal of compassion to our practice. We recommend counselors to work with divorcing couples and their children when we see that it would help them with their emotions and would help them move forward in their divorces. We make sure that couples are focused on their children, and work with them to have civil, principled divorces that focus on issues and help them move on to happy post-divorce lives.

We also offer alternative dispute resolutions methods for those couples we think can benefit from them. Collaborative law allows a couple to negotiate a settlement outside of the courtroom, with each person represented by a lawyer committed to helping the couple find a solution that doesn't involve litigation. Mediation, another means of divorcing without going to court, allows a couple to focus on negotiating a solution, with the help of a mediator, over a half-day or full-day session.

Opting for an alternative to court doesn't mean you're conceding, though. Those clients of ours who use collaborative law and mediation let us know what's important to them, and we fight for them, seeking a win for our clients within the aim of a win-win solution. There are battles fought in negotiations, to be sure, but taking those battles out of the courtroom can make a huge difference for families who want resolution without rancor.

But we know how to fight in the courtroom when we need to. Some cases absolutely have to be fought through litigation - we can often make that determination even before the initial consultation, and we prepare accordingly. We fight with solutions in mind, with a plan that factors in your time and how quickly you want to settle your divorce, and with the knowledge of what the other side might do in response to how we attempt to move your case forward.

Some lawyers who claim to be good fighters are actually good at gumming up the works and filing motions that don't move you closer to resolution. We prefer to fight with purpose, with each move geared toward either moving toward a solution or moving it past roadblocks the other side might be trying to put up.

If you're looking for a compassionate and tough approach to your family law case, that factors in your family and your feelings while sticking up for you, check out the Law Office of Lisa A. Vance. We can help you determine which direction works best for you as you seek to resolve your divorce and move on, securing what's of greatest importance to you.

One of the most important things to keep in mind in family law - for everyone involved - is that the parent-child relationship is fundamentally the same throughout the divorce. A divorce decree means that parents will go about their routines differently, and they will have to be mindful of rules set up to manage when each parent will get to be with his or her kids, but they don't stop being parents.

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It's also important to look at the divorce from the children's perspectives. Life changes dramatically for children who experience divorce, starting with the need to learn new routines and the experience of having two homes rather than one shared home with everyone in it. But in the vast majority of cases, children who go through divorce still love both of their parents, and still look to their parents for security, guidance, and providing what they need.

At the Law Office of Lisa A. Vance, we prefer to think of divorce as creating new families rather than splitting families apart. While it's difficult for children to go from being with both Mom and Dad to being with Mom part of the time and Dad part of the time, we know that children can adjust to their new situations, thrive, and feel loved after a divorce is finalized.

But that doesn't happen without the parents focusing on their children and their children's experience during and after the divorce. Simply put, parents have to be conscious of their children throughout the process, realizing that though they might have differences with each other that keep them from wanting to stay married, they will remain parents to their children, and will have to work together in some capacity.

It starts during the divorce. Disagreements can and do happen in divorce, and it's natural to feel emotions like anger and fear in the heat of the negotiations, but it's better for everyone involved if they happen without bitterness or rancor. If couples can resolve a divorce without litigation, that can definitely bode well for their future co-parenting relationships. Indeed, if they choose to negotiate a settlement via collaborative law or mediation, they can practice the skills they'll need once they're interacting with one another as co-parents.

Even if a divorce requires litigation, it can be done in a way that focuses on the issues, that doesn't descend into petty squabbles and unnecessary motions, and that minimizes the effects on the children. A divorce trial typically is over in a finite number of days; you don't want it to create friction that will intrude on the co-parenting relationship and affect the children for months or even years.

We believe in fighting when necessary - after all, we see ourselves as fierce, compassionate lawyers - but we also believe in fighting the right way, and always keeping the children in focus. Maintaining a healthy family - even through the challenges of divorce - can happen if the importance of the children isn't lost in the process.

Both family law and probate law have one important quality in common - and it's at the heart of why our team of lawyers at the Law Office of Lisa A. Vance have chosen those areas of law. They both help people through life's challenges: Specifically, the emotional periods of people's lives where they experience great uncertainty and transformation.

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Family law, obviously, deals primarily with divorce, which is an incredibly emotional time for anyone going throughout. Even couples who are civil with one another, and largely in agreement with each other on dividing assets and determining parenting time, experience grief and loss and worry about the future. For couples who don't get along, anger can create additional challenges in getting to a settlement that serves everyone best - most importantly the children who are caught in the middle.

When people think of probate law, they often think of wills - but it's so much more than that. The most important work that probate lawyers do, as we see it, is to help clients prepare the documents that will help them when they're alive but not necessarily able to communicate their wishes. This can be especially true for people who unexpectedly go to the hospital and whose lives hang in the balance.

It's important, in helping our clients to get through the challenges that life might send their way, is to first understand what they're going through. The "compassionate" part of our reputation as "fierce, compassionate lawyers" is all about understanding emotions, getting to know our clients, and learning what our clients truly want as they seek to settle their divorces, modify their divorce decrees to reflect new post-divorce realities, or prepare the documents that will help them and their families negotiate an unexpected illness or death.

But, of course, it's more than just being able to meet our clients on an emotional level. Our expertise in family and probate law means that we can handle a broad array of situations. If a divorce requires litigation due to its contentiousness or the existence of abuse or neglect, we are willing and able to fight for our clients and protect them. But if litigation would do more harm than good to the future co-parenting relationship, we are equipped to handle alternative dispute resolutions.

We also provide a setting that feels more like a home than an office, which for many of our clients, makes them feel more at ease and more able to deal with the stress involved with litigation. Many of the people who seek family and probate law services rarely, if ever, seek legal help, and we make it a point to help people be more comfortable in what can be inherently stressful.

Challenges can be hard, but they don't have to be insurmountable or overly taxing. We've helped many clients in challenges that felt difficult or overwhelming to them, before we were able to step in and work with them.

If you're facing challenges or anticipating future challenges requiring a family or probate lawyer, we'd love for you to consider an appointment with us to talk about what you need. We can come up with a plan, after hearing you and determining what's important to you in a potential resolution, to help you meet whatever challenges you might face.

If you've visited our website lately, you'll notice that we're using the new motto, "Fierce, compassionate lawyers." While the motto's new, the attitude behind it has been with our firm ever since Lisa Vance first founded it - and it's one that we're proud to rally behind.

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On one hand, we are fierce - meaning that we are tenacious and motivated litigators when the situation calls for it. We know how adversely divorce affects people, especially children, and we also know the varied, terrible circumstances that can lead people to divorce.

It's a choice that racks people with fear and indecision and worry, but it's also a choice that people make to live their best lives. We honor the gravity of those difficult decisions by making sure that we are prepared and ready for the courtroom battles we fight. We prepare our clients for what the fight might entail, keeping the ultimate goal of the fight in focus, and we do it well.

We also come to know who we're fighting for and their aspirations and hopes for the future become ours - which is why, while we fight smart, we also fight with passion. Some family lawyers don't actually like the courtroom, and would prefer not to be there. We prepare for it, and know from past cases that it's the place where we do some of our best work. Not every case needs to go to a courtroom - and certainly, we look for alternatives to court if that's what's in a client's best interest - but if the courtroom is where we determine we can best protect our client's interests, that's where we'll do battle.

Though we are fierce, we are also compassionate. We understand what it takes to call a law firm to ask for divorce, then to come in to meet with a lawyer and start the divorce process - making it real. We listen intently to each person who trusts us to defend their parenting rights and their assets, making sure we know what you want to get out of the divorce. We then involve you in the plan of how to go about doing that.

If we believe that your case can best be handled through an alternative dispute resolution like collaborative law and mediation - shielding you and your children from the rancor that litigation often brings with it - we have the resources and experience to do that. If you need us to help you with a negotiated settlement, no matter how involved, we can help you with that as well.

And we'll do so looking after your emotional well-being, which we know is vital to maintain in the divorce process. We strive to create a warm, safe setting which strikes many of our clients as more "homey" than a typical law office. We also strive to guide you through the process with compassion and understanding at the heart of our approach.