After HBO announced it would offer viewers the option to purchase an online pass to the network without subscribing to cable, CBS stated it would follow suit with the stand-alone CBS All Access subscription service. What do you think?

ORLANDO, FL—In a new study released Friday that challenges contemporary notions of marital satisfaction, researchers at the University of Central Florida found that unions even between perfectly matched couples should only last around 15 years. “Contrary to the traditional idea of ‘until death do us part,’ our…

WASHINGTON—Explaining that his grassroots campaign appeals to a large number of publicly traded firms from a diverse array of industries, political observers confirmed Friday that populist Texas Senate candidate Sean Rogers continues to ride a wave of support from his state’s many underrepresented corporations. “By…

Sandwich chain Jimmy John’s has been requiring employees to sign a non-compete clause prohibiting them from making sandwiches at competing restaurants that sell “submarine, hero-type, deli-style, pita and/or wrapped or rolled sandwiches” in order to safeguard trade secrets. What do you think?

RACINE, WI—Touting its powerful, partially non-toxic cleaning agents, household products manufacturer SC Johnson released a new carpet cleaner this week specially designed to be safe for pets that were meant to go on living. “StainStop’s patented formula will remove dirt from any carpet, and, best of all, it’s 100…

HYATTSVILLE, MD—With the harsh economic climate making it harder than ever to juggle the costs of two households, a report released Friday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more Americans are waiting until later in life to start a secret second family. “According to our data, married men with…

DALLAS—Claiming he would hate to see a carton of unspoiled milk and an entire loaf of bread go to waste, hazardous materials removal worker Jonathan Parker reportedly saw no reason Friday to throw away perfectly good food while disinfecting the apartment of an Ebola-stricken patient. “This pork roast can’t be more…

BOSTON—Surrounded by his closest family and friends in his final hours, local man Doug Keller told reporters Friday that he felt a bit embarrassed to be the only person in his hospital room who was dying. “It’s pretty weird that it’s just me,” said Keller, 58, adding that he felt “a little on the spot” as the lone…

Jon Schultz, a “disaster domain dealer” who currently owns the rights to the websites birdflu.com and H1N1.com, announced that he is selling the internet domain Ebola.com for $150,000. What do you think?

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act of murder. “Needless to say, the millions of viewers who saw, for the first…

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, sources confirmed Friday. “Have you been there? It’s gorgeous!” said…

SEATTLE—Deftly switching from topic to topic from the moment he answered his phone until ending the call 20 minutes later, local man Andrew Heltman reportedly spent the entirety of a recent conversation with his parents changing the subject. “Yeah, things are fine at work, the usual—but hey, aren’t you guys leaving…

DALLAS—In what is being hailed as its single most ambitious messaging campaign to date, the Susan G. Komen foundation announced Thursday it had launched its first deep space probe, part of an effort to bring increased breast cancer awareness to the farthest reaches of the galaxy.

WASHINGTON—Saying they were at a loss as to what could have recently made them feel any anger and distrust toward the NFL commissioner, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that they are struggling to remember why they were at one point mad at Roger Goodell. “I can distinctly remember being outraged at…

EDISON, NJ—Noting that it was the sensible thing to do at this point in his life, 27-year-old web designer Jonathan Elridge confirmed Thursday that he puts aside a small percentage of each paycheck for his bank to gamble with. “It’s really important to save money for the future, even if it’s just a little bit each…