My day has always been my hero he doesn't drink he doesn't smoke he has such an amazing way a rationalising things and putting everything into perspective and can get you through any situation. Him and my Mam have been married 33 years and there relationship is the kind of I would aim for with my own. He's my hero he's the kind of man I would hope my son to grow up to be like. That is until 6pm yesterday when a man called to my mothers house to inform her my dad my hero had been having an affair for the past 11 months with his wife. I'm numb I'm angry and I am so sad how could he do this how could such a great man destroy our whole family how do we get through this

Just quick update I rang my dad this morning mainly to make sure he hadn't done anything else stupid. He sounds like a lost man he has made an appointment to speak to someone to try to find out why he did what he did. It's so hard to believe anything he says but I did reassure him that I loved him just very hurt and disappointed. Then this afternoon when I returned home there was a hand written letter in my door from him. My mam and my brother also got one. Basically apologising and saying he's nothing without his family and he will do whatever it takes to get us back. Today my mam has a "f**k him" attitude. Today her feeling is of anger and I don't think her letter helped. I just wished he hadn't messed up so much a one night stand we may have got over but a year long affair. It's all such a mess

The man - the messenger - is irrelevant in this. So he came round and told sams mum - she was going to find out anyway. The issue here is between sams parents and how they choose to move forward from this. I think you need to take a step back and try not to take sides, especially until such a time as you sit down with your dad and hear his side. You may not want to do it just yet but for your own sake you need to know what possessed him to have an affair. He may not have an answer. Perhaps things were not as good in the marriage as you perceived. Until you talk to him you won't know so give yourself that chance. As for your mum, the poor thing. Encourage her to confide in a friend as you cannot be left to shoulder all the pain for her - you have your own hurt to deal with.

Sam i've been through the exact same thing.. everyone thinking my dad was the most respected man etc etc.. anyway there were loads of affairs, a ten year affair plus night stands, no consideration for my mum. it s not seperate to the children.. anyone who treats my mum that badly is not ok in my book.. it was a long road for us. counselling helped and meditation was life changing for me. it shakes up your whole world and your very belief system. Don't do this on your own. Get support somewhere. i couldnt talk to friends at the time, i was so ashamed of him. my mother doesnt feel the husband told her in anger but every situation is different and what matters now is you and your mum..

TBH, I can't comment on the other man's behaviour, as I don't know his motive and neither do any of us, could be he wanted to cause pain and heartache for Sam's dad and pay him back for ruining his marriage like he ruined his. Could also be that he was desperate to end the affair and thought that doing this might take Sam's Dad's focus off his wife and back to his own wife and family, or it could simply be that he thought it's unfair on Sam's mum to be living a lie. Whatever his motive, it's done now.

Sam, to be honest, what you say rings true for so many people I have encountered in life, sometimes they are so high and mighty, or so goodie two shoes and it's all to hide the fact that very quality is sorely lacking inside them.

I hope you have a little more clarity today, and I know that your family dynamic has changed forever, but sit down and think to yourself, what would you prefer, the old way, with you all in ignorant bliss of your Dad's cheating on your mother, or knowing the truth and helping each other to find a way forward?

Again thank you all my Mam hasn't told any family as of yet so other than each other we've no one else to lean on. Woke up this morning and for a split second forgot. It's so hard to explain I know people usually say they never expected it from a person but my dad was always so high and mighty he drilled into us morals and talking if there were problems he even paid for my own counselling a few years ago when I was struggling to deal with the fact I was adopted and all along it appears he was just a hypocrite who couldn't take his own advice it's a sad time for us all xxx

I think the man most likely said tell her or I will and the dad basically took the coward's way out. I would hold him responsible for a stranger turning up on the wife's door. 2nd black mark on his copybook imo. The man probably felt he was doing her a favour then ie that her husband would have kept on messing behind her back and she needed to be told. Maybe when you feel like you've been taken for a fool yourself you can't bear to see it happening to someone else either. Don't know but I really wouldn't have much or any anger towards the man.

Sam take whatever time you need and be kind to yourself. It's a shock ..i know. Take support. where you need it.I would think the man may have thought that he didn't want anyone being lied to.. He gave the dad a chance to be honest himself.

I empathise with him because he's also hurt Im not too sure how old the children are but my Mam did say that she was younger than her and my dad said he was attracted to her screams mid life crisis it's so hard to be strong and even around my Mam because I'm so hurt I've just had a bath and cried my eyes out hopefully tomorrow is better

Thank you for all your kind words hopefully I'll sleep tonight and wake fresh tomorrow and go be with her again. She has company tonight so she won't be alone. I'm so in shock never in a million years would I have guessed this would happen. His behaviour is sly and sneaky and hurtful. He had confided things in this woman about us and that's one of many things that hurt. And I suppose I can't help but wonder is she with him now even tho he did say he ended it on Saturday. And the husband of HER I feel sorry for they have 2 young kids just absolute selfish behaviour

Thank you so much for all your replies my dad was the kind of man who could look down on people especially those for infidelity this was something never in a million years we could expect of him. We were all together as a family on Sunday and he would have already been threatened by her husband so he knew it was only a matter of time. He is nearly 60 what the hell was he thinking

I barely have any relationship with my father. He's never been the best father to have, he spent the first years of his marriage (they married because my Mam was pregnant with me, very young) trying to catch up with all those things he felt like he missed out because of 3 kids coming in quick succession. It was touch and go in their marriage but he promised to change and he seemed to have till we have grown up. Then he went into a full-blown midlife crisis and eventually they divorced, to the general relief of her children, rest of the family and friends. He lives with another woman now I barely know and have really no big interest in knowing better, they divorced when we were grown up, with our own relationships and families and I honestly don't know if after how he hurt my Mam I will ever be able to have a good relationship with him again. When I search deep within me, it's not really hate I feel, not at all. I don't wish him anything bad, it's just a feeling of slight indifference combined with a sorrow that I will never know what it means to a have a Dad you can you look up to.

He'd sometimes complain about how it was our Mam who put him against us but that wasn't true. She'd always tell us that we have to respect our father and even now she tells us to go and meet him when possible but we've never been a submissive bunch and blind obedience and not questioning authorities has never been our thing.

As such, while I have never had the chance to have someone I'd regard as an example, I always felt like I'm missing on it. I really feel for you and understand why you feel the way you feel - this must have been a deep emotional shock to your system.

Sam...(as others have said below-which I didn't read first before posting ) your dad may have been your hero and your ideal of what a man should be - but you have found out that your dad is human like everyone else and prone to making the same mistakes as any other person.

It is a difficult time but for over 33 years your dad has stood by you through thick and thin - at least talk to him -

If the shoe was on the other foot he would listen to you and try to understand.

ETA- also do not listen to any second hand talk that may be doing the rounds -

I think Autumngirl summed up how natural it is to feel disgusted with him right now, not just for the affair (which he has really done to your mother) but also for having feet of clay rather than being the perfect hero you thought him to be but I also hope you take on board everything DearMe said so that going forward you will be able to have a relationship with him adult to adult as opposed to the hero worship relationship before. It will be a very different relationship but it might be liberating in it's own way.

Sam, I get what you mean. Of course this was something in your Dad's relationship with your Mum as others have said but I understand about what you mean feeling that he is a different person if he was able to lie and cheat and cover it up whilst always seeming to have 'good morals' and values - and yet whilst teaching you that and you taking it all on board he was doing the opposite.

I guess what it comes down to is that your Dad is human like the rest of us and we all mess up, get ourselves into situations, panic, handle things wrong and yet above all we never want our children to know if we have been wrong and messed up no matter what age we/they are.

I think you are right - it will take a very long time for you to trust your Dad again if ever but I think you need to talk to him and hear his side of the story - if he is the man you feel he is and always was he will want to do everything he can to mend your pain. No doubt this is his worst nightmare (and yes I hear you saying he should have thought of that first .......and you are 100% right but often thats not the way these things work). Affairs are so awful for the far reaching pain and trauma that they can cause to so many people - a moments indiscretion can turn into years of hell. I'm really sorry to hear you are going through all this and I feel so much for your Mum as well - imagine a stranger coming to your door one day to tell you this - oh my God!

Yep your Dad has done wrong - bigtime - and hurt many people along the way but he is a grown up and he will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm really sorry for what you are all going through. x

Sam I know that right now you're devestated and hurt but your Dad did not cheat on you. If you cannot see yourself talking with him anymore then you need to own that as you are making that decision. I agree with the previous poster there are people out there who have lost parents and would give anything to have them back for all their faults and failings. Make your decision and make peace with it but it is you deciding to cut that link with your Dad and not him......

I don't think I will ever be able to have a relationship with him now and that is one of the reasons I'm so very sad aswell as tearing apart our family I've lost my dad the man I thought he was everything I thought of him is a lie all of his morals he appeared to have our lies he has torn our family apart and he is the last person in the world I thought could do this to us

She was oblivious as we all were she is so hurt and humiliated apparently he ended the affair on Saturday after her husband Found out and the husband had been threatening to tell my Mam and my dad let that happen

God Sam that's an awfully difficult situation for you and my heart goes out to your mam. No matter how disappointed and hurt you are I can't imagine how she must feel after spending so much of her life in what she probably thought was a very happy relationship. I would concentrate on her for a while anyhow.

OP have you talked to your dad? A stranger calls to the door drops a bombshell and is believed? Has your dad confirmed it? A story always has 2 sides so id want to know both before rushing to judgement or devestation.