“I got a new number and promptly registered with the National Do Not Call List so I could say goodbye to unsolicited sales pitches,” the twenty-seven-year-old dishwasher told Weekly World News. “The only folks who would have my number would be friends and family.”

Silence was golden for a few weeks until Mallard began receiving calls in the middle of the night.

“It was way past two in the morning when the phone rang,” he said. “I scowled at the Caller ID, which read ‘Caller Unknown — Out of Area.’ Furious at being awakened, I picked up the phone, determined to give whoever it was a severe tongue-lashing.

“At first there was silence, then a low pulsing hum as if I were being connected over vast distances,” he said. “Suddenly, I heard what sounded like a cat caught in a blender. In the midst of all that shrieking, I could’ve sworn I heard my name. I figured it was my creepy coworker, Rob Bendis, trying to ‘punk’ me so I screamed right back. He screamed. I screamed. We both screamed — for a full five minutes.

“I finally hung up,” he said. “But moments later a bright beam of light shot from the night sky into my bedroom. A hologram of slithering, tentacled vaguely humanoid creatures with multiple breasts danced by my bed. It was like an extraterrestrial version of Girls Gone Nova! — and somehow I’d ordered it!

“That was when I realized I’d been alien telemarketed!”

In the weeks that followed, Mallard received more off-world sales calls.

“Evidently I was now fair game to every Tom, Dick and Q’uetztol out there,” he complained. “Since I had ‘bought’ once, my name and number had been made accessible to other ETelemarketers. Whenever the phone rang I was too scared to say anything, lest I accidentally order a molecular condensing weight loss program!”

The beleaguered — and tired — Mallard had no choice but to finally change his phone number again.

“Thankfully, the intergalactic calls stopped,” Mallard said. “I haven’t figured out how to cancel the holograms, though, so I guess I’ll have to change my debit card number as well.