A whole bunch of stuff that rarely involves anything to do with breakfast.

Friday, May 09, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 9: Back to it

We’re back after a week off,
which has given our boys time to get drunk, beat people up, be involved in sex
scandals, leave their current team, sign with eight others, and in the case of
one particular fuckwit, not sign with anyone to “increase drama” or “maximise
impact.” Fuck off, Benji, YOU’RE NOT
THAT GOOD AND NO ONE LIKES YOU NOT EVEN YOUR MUM.

We’re at the part of the year
when everyone actually starts trying to
win a game of footy, not because it’s round 9 and the team is struggling, or
needs to cement themselves at the top of the table, it’s so they can be a part
of the State of Origin team. When there’s
a sky blue jersey on the table, who knows what could happen? Probably nothing, especially if you’re
Mitchell Pearce, who Laurie Daley has given an “automatic selection” to. No one in the history of the world knows why,
but the most popular theory is beer
flavoured nipples.

Round 9

It’s a bit of a dick-scratcher
again this week with a few tips, but I’m going to do the smart thing and
analyse each game closely, taking into account statistical anomalies, player
percentages, missed tackle counts, head-to-head rankings, injury reports and betting
odds. Then I’m going to put the outcomes
of those against the patented Mister Evil Breakfast Sport-Result-Pick-O-Meter,
which classes teams into “SHIT” and “NOT AS SHIT” and we’ll go from there.

Turns out the Roosters aren’t as
shit as the Tigers (only just), the Cows aren’t as bad as the horses (again, it
was a close shit fight), the Bunnies will poo on the Titans, the Storm are the
shittest, and everyone knows how bad Penrith, St George and the Sharks
are.

Sydney Roosters vs Wests Tigers

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos

Gold Coast Titans vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles

Newcastle Knights vs Penrith Panthers

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Parramatta Eels v Cronulla Sharks

Game of the Round

New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

Canberra were well and truly
fucked on the last time they played – luckily it seems like it has been about
eighteen years since then (it hasn’t), and everyone has forgotten how bad they
are. Well, everyone except for the Warriors,
most likely. It has been rumoured that
coach Sticky Stuart is up to his old tricks and has dumped his starting forward
pack to reserve grade – it didn’t work at Parra, but by gosh it might just work
here – where what he really needs to do is give Terry Campese a massive boot up
the arse. What the fuck was he doing in
the last game? If I was the coach (which
I should be), I’d have pulled him off quicker than Konrad Hurrell’s girlfriendand sent him home to think about what he’d done (or hadn’t done) and taken away
his Playstation and iPhone.

I have never seen such a
half-arsed, defeated performance since… well, the last time the Raiders were
mashed.

In any case, the Raiders have my
THIS TIP CANNOT GO WRONG, DICKHEADS tip of the round, because the Warriors have
been playing well the last few weeks, and since they’re the Warriors, that’s
the last thing they’ll do this week.