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Friday, June 19, 2009

Me:Hello Dr.Dr Spitzer:Hello Matt. It's been a while since your last visit. Me:I know. I've been busy.Dr:With what? I haven't noticed any change in you daily schedule.Me:Huh? Is that you parked in the green Camry every evening by my house?Dr:Ahem...Let's move on, and discuss your problems.

Me:Fine. I had another "episode" at work.Dr:Did this one involve an ice cream cone, handcuffs, and a shaved cat like the other episode?Me:Huh?Dr: Whoops sorry...that is Ruth Jones. Whoops...so much for Dr-Patient confidentiality.

Me:Anyhow, let me explain.Me:I was sitting at my desk doing my daily work, when I was visited by a co-worker. A little chit-chat ensued, and I saw the conversation nearing an end. He then reached down and grabbed a pair of tweezers from my desk---Dr:Excuse me? Why do you have tweezers at your desk? Are you a eyebrow plucker or shaver?Me:These are not normal tweezers. They have a very fine point, and are used when I'm in the lab, and need to move something very small under a microscope.Dr:And...Me: Huh?Dr:Do you clean your teeth with them?Me:What? That's gross.....although sometimes I pick at my fingernails with them.Dr:Okay Quasimodo...that's much less disgusting.

Me:So, he grabbed the tweezers, and walked out of my cube. I was slightly dumbfounded, and just sat there for a minute. He returned a minute later, and said "Finished!"Dr:Finished with what?Me:He proceeded to tell me that was able to pluck his gray hairs by his ears with "pinpoint accuracy."

Dr:Impressive.Me: No...No...Not impressive. Disgusting! My lab/fingernail tweezers were just used as a grooming tool for a stranger.Dr:I'm not sure why you're so upset.Me:I'm not finished.

Me:He then notices my earphones connected to my Mp3 player. They are the kind with removable squishy ear buds at the end. He asks if they have good sound quality, and I answered in the affirmative.He then proceeds to grab them, and stick them in his ears, and asks for a demo....like I'm running a second-hand Best-buy or something.Dr:So...what did you do? Did you get upset? Did you ask him to put the earphones down?Me:Not exactly.Dr:What exactly.Me:I turned on some music.

Dr:You are an enabler. He is obviously someone who has no issues invading personal space or possessions, and you just fed the beast.Me:I was flabbergasted. I froze. I felt like I was 14 at a church youth dance, and Cami Dyer came up and asked me to slow dance. I didn't say anything...i just froze.Dr:So what are you going to do?Me:It's already done. I threw away the ear bud attachments and the tweezers.Dr:Why didn't you just clean them off?Me:There isn't enough rubbing alcohol in the world to cleanse the mental images. Those items are dead to me.

Me:In fact, at that point I wouldn't have been surprised if he stuck his hand down my pants and asked why I preferred boxers over briefs?Dr:Did you want him to stick his hand down your pants?Me:No!! I'm just saying that I was frozen, and felt "possession-raped."Dr:Calm down mister...those are strong words...I should know. Here are my suggestions. Get a shiny marble, and cover it in pepper spray or mace. Leave it on your desk, and then when he returns, tell him that it is a "flavor-ball" direct from India. He'll pop that cleary into his mouth, and the hilarity will ensue.Me:That sounds like a terrible thing to do.Dr:Yes it does. And that suggestion is free...as a friend.

When I was a law clerk, there used to be this senior judge who subbed for about three months when one of the other judges had to go to Iraq. He used to put his hand in his pants, scratch himself in his, uh, nether regions, and then proceed to put that unwashed hand in whatever you were eating and help himself to a bite. He's lucky the entire staff didn't end up in therapy from that.

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