The lowest average weekly score so far this season and arguably one of the most depressing weeks in fantasy league history. If you scraped above 40 – well done. The average was 32. Scores in the teens were commonplace. Harry Kane made an unexpected early return, but didn’t perform, double whammy-ing those managers who’d striven to get him back in by pretending to score with his sleeve – and then getting booked. Romelu Lukaku had nothing to do with the 3-2 title-stopping victory over Manchester City. Everton and Liverpool kept the only clean sheets. I could go on. The list of non-performing regulars is pretty long. EGJ’s 65 is pretty special – double the average – and streets ahead of everyone else. There were only two scores in the 50’s. Although the bench boost decision might be one to rue. Three extra points is not what you’re looking for from a chip which would have been better played either next week or in GW37. The Gap Jumpers do, however, leap into the top 10 for the first time this season (or possibly even ever?).

Player of the week – Christian Eriksen – 15 points

Judging by post match interviews, it appeared Eriksen was happy to take the assist for Spurs’ second goal, and that the goal be awarded to Harry Kane. This would have given Kane owners a likely extra 6 points, as he was sat on two bonus points at that time. Those captaining would have mustered an extra 12. I’m not sure too many of us, if anyone at all, has Eriksen in their teams. Alli’s in slightly better form and Son’s much cheaper. This almost makes Eriksen a tempting differential for their double double gameweeks.

Bargain of the week – Ayoze Perez – 12 points

Perez has been ticking over quite nicely in the cheap striker club without anyone really noticing. He’s registered points in six of the last eleven. Not only are there forward facing players, like Perez, in the £5-6 million bracket worth looking at, but unusually for Newcastle, they’re also pretty sound defensively. The danger is, that with them virtually safe, will they take their foot of the gas a little and cruise in to the end of the season. I hope not. A top half finish would be fantastic.

Twat of the week – Jack Stephens – -2 points

We’ve had some multi-twats in our time. And some pretty twattish tams sharing the twatness around, but this is some achievement – two weeks on the spin as king twat. Well done. Just when he was gaining in popularity as a cheap defender for a double double gameweeking team. He’s now suspended until GW36. Any Southampton assets are surely only going to be bench fodder for the bench boost week, so he is still of some use suspended in reserve until GW37 I suppose.

This season’s Bucket Cup champions are Emergency Gap Jumper. They beat Game Of Throw Ins by 102 – 81. Congratulations to them. It’s their first prize money in their 10th Bucket Season. EGJ opted to wildcard, fielding a full XI, whereas GOTI chose not to and went with a seven man squad. The news EGJ won’t want to hear is that they could have beaten GOTI by not wildcarding and simply playing the six players they already had in their squad who were potentially going to play this gameweek. Salah, as captain, Pickford, Milivojevic, Firmino, Doucoure and Gomez would have amassed 85 points.

Manager of the week – The Vinegar Pissers – Paul Hawkins – 124 points

Last week we all put out full teams and some of us struggled to reach what was one of the lowest average scores of the season. This week we’ve four matches in a vastly reduced gameweek – meaning eight teams – seven of them being shit – and 14 Buckets managers post scores of 100+. And it’s all thanks to one player. If ever there was a week in which everybody was going to captain the same man it was this one. Only the ghostships and the league leader decided Mohamed Salah wasn’t up to the job. Brexiter drop to third as a result of their decision to take a punt on Firmino. However, had they gone with Salah, they’d still have lost their lead to The Vinegar Pissers, who have been threatening to take over the top spot for a number of weeks now. Who’d have thought this week would give up the highest gameweek score as well? The VPs only got eight players out, but it would have been a struggle to pick a worse eight. Only Callum Wilson offered up appearance points. Their three man defence contributed a clean sheet each, a goal, an assist and five bonus points. Mane and Milovejevic, playing alongside Salah, added a goal, two assists and two bonus points, and all of a sudden, Cenk Tosun needs to be taken seriously, scoring two to add to the other two he’s notched in his last two games. Four in three and he’s the striker in form.

The VPs have built up quite a lead as a result. Ordinarily you’re happy with an 80 point return, especially from a reduced gameweek, but Hornets are now conceding a 43 point lead to the new leaders. An honorable mention should go to FTM who achieved the second highest score of the weekend and did so by playing their free hit. The free hit chip was developed for gameweeks like this one. FTM finished four shy of The VPs. A bit more faith in Bournemouth or more investment in the Crystal Palace defence over the Everton defence would have seen them over the line. Yet, despite all their efforts, they only moved up two places in the league.

Player of the week – Mohamed Salah – 29 points

It’s the highest weekly score of the season. It’s, from memory, the second highest weekly score ever and the highest single gameweek score. It’s his 14th double figure haul of the season. There have only been seven weeks in the 31 in which he hasn’t either scored or assisted. It’s four goals, an assist and inevitably, all the bonus points. It’s Mohamed Salah, who now sits on 266 points from 30 of the 31 gameweeks. That’s an average of 8.86 points a game. At that rate he should surpass the 300 point mark and become the first player to do that. Luis Suarez’s record is 295 from the 2013/2014 season. Just leave the armband where it is.

Bargain of the week – James Tomkins – 15 points

In truth the other big scores of the weekend could have gone anywhere. Any one of the other teams could have kept a clean sheet or scored a hatful. Those who took a punt on Palace players would have ended up happy, particularly those opting for James Tomkins. He’s the safest route into that Palace defence at the moment – if you dare venture there. You couldn’t have asked for much more than a goal, clean sheet and all the bonus marks. Apart from maybe a second goal, which he as inches away from getting. Just don’t pick him next week.

Twat of the week – Charlie Adam – -2 points

I’m not sure he was gracing too many teams. In fact, he’s been dropping out of squads as opposed to being brought in ahead of this gameweek, which says a lot. Xherdan Shaqiri looked like the most optimistic Stoke choice, along with Jack Butland, who has been racking up the save points over the last few weeks. Shaqiri failed to deliver, but Butland’s 3 point return was the average keeper score. Watford and Huddersfield were the teams to completely ignore this week.

The final of the 2018 Buckets Cup will be between Game Of Throw Ins and Emergency Gap Jumper. GOTI beat Hornets, who had the unluckiest of gameweeks. As well as semi final defeat, they also lost their lead at the top of the table, no thanks to their strike force accumulating -1 points from 43 minutes of football played between them. They weren’t the only team to suffer from the Jordan Ayew sending off and the Harry Kane injury. Most of us had Harry Kane as captain. Emergecy Gap jumper were one of the few to continue with Mo Salah. In truth, had both EGJ and their opponents, Atletico Chappers, chose Kane, the result wouldn’t have been any different, but following that rare blank from the Egyptian, a single goal from the Spurs striker would have seen Chappers progress at EGJ’s expense. And now we’re wondering whether he’s out for the season.

It’s pure coincidence that the final has been drawn to be played in the reduced GW31. It’ll be interesting to see how our finalists play it. As it stands both teams have six potential starters and a remaining wildcard. Game Of Throw Ins have two free transfers. Arguably, they’re also in with a chance of league victory, sitting just 41 points behind our top team. EGJ are 94 points back from first and 70 points adrift from fourth. There’s an outside chance of league money, but that’s a lot less likely than their opponents. Of the eight teams that are playing, there’s not an awful lot to choose from. I guarantee three Liverpool players in both teams, but after that you’re picking and choosing from a pretty woeful bunch, bar maybe Xherdan Shaqiri. Only four players appear in the top 30 overall scorers. Where’s it going to leave you by the time GW32 comes round?

Manager of the week – David Caldicott – Crazylegs XI – 72 points

Classic ghostship material. Here we all are trying to negotiate the choppy waters ahead leading into GW31 and from out of nowhere comes Crazylegs, who lost interest around Christmas, captained by David Silva. They’ve been captained by David Silva since November. All the way through the time he was out and back in Spain for family reasons. They took eight points from the bench from two replacement players. They picked up six points from the first Arsenal clean sheet since the days of John Lukic and leapt eight places above a clutch of teams who I guarantee spent all week agonising over their team picks. Bastards.

Player of the week – Kenedy – 16 points

A double that did for Mauricio Pellegrino and yo-yo’d Newcastle back up to mid table in this crazy relegation race. The Brazilian has been a regular starter since his loan move, will cost you only £4.7 million and is averaging 6 points a game. Newcastle have a double gameweek on the horizon and he must be a consideration for a bench boost squad.

Bargain of the week – Chris Wood – 15 points

Back after a long injury lay off and has 20 points in two weeks. However, both totals were amassed from substitute appearances and it’ll be tough to dislodge Ashley Barnes from the Burnley central striker role given the form that he is also in at the moment. Having said that Sean Dyche has brought Wood on in both matches to partner Barnes, so whose to say he wouldn’t consider starting them both.

Twat of the week – Jordan Ayew – -2 points

Now you’ve got to start searching for a new third striker. There aren’t many out there. Ayew was fulfilling that role quite nicely until the 10th minute of Swansea’s game against Huddersfield on Saturday. Imagine having him alongside Kane and Aguero for the weekend. Three players not even completing a half of football. Imagine.

Are we on for another double winner in their debut season, much like FC Caligula did in 2015/2016? Hornets are still fighting on both fronts. Their score was the lowest of the quarter final winners this week, but still above the game average and most importantly, enough to see off Fun Lovren Criminals. They will play first time semi finalists, Game of Throw Ins, whilst another last four debutant, Atletico Chappers, will take on Emergency Gap Jumper. Should be an interesting final in Gameweek 31.

Manager of the week – The Vinegar Pissers – Paul Hawkins – 74 points

Three scores crept above 70 points this week, the highest of which was the 74 posted by The Vinegar Pissers. They’re the latest team to launch an assault on the Hornets domination, climbing up into third just behind Brexiter, who themselves, narrowed the gap by three. As well as picking up on another player of the week performance by Heung-Min Son, the Pissers also garnered 15 points from both of Brighton’s goalscorers in their victory over Arsenal. Glen Murray has six in eight games and only Mo Salah and Sergio Aguero have scored more since the turn of the year.

Player of the week – Heung-Min Son – 16 points

His second player of the week total and with that becomes only the third player this season to achieve the highest weekly score on more than one occasion. He had been on a run of blank weeks since his last double figure score and had started dropping out of teams. No goals and assists, the return to the team of Erik Lamela and the purchase of Lucas Moura obviously putting doubt about his return potential. That’ll probably reverse now and He’ll no doubt be a popular choice once Spurs’s double gameweek(s) roll round.

Bargain of the week – Ki Sung-Yeung – 13 points

A South Korean double at the top of the weekly player tables this week. Ki has played nearly every game under Swansea’s new manager and has obviously played an important part in their revival. His last run in the team under the previous manager yielded no returns at all. This time round he has two goals, two assists and two double figure totals in the last four games. And for under £5 million. There’ll be Swansea double gameweeks too.

Twat of the week – Ashley Williams – -2 points

Sam Allardyce solved whatever problems there were at Everton for all of about two games. They’re surprisingly leaky, especially away from home, and three red cards, the latest of which was dished out to their captain for the day, is the most for any team in the top flight. Apart from those bruising bastards over at Watford of course.

Maybe it was bound to happen sooner or later. Putting the armband on Harry Kane during one of his hat trick weeks, plus the right combo of free scoring City and/or Liverpool players was going to produce a mega score at some point. And without the aid of a chip, The Winnings R Mine’s 121 points catapults them up the league from 21st to 9th and into position to grab the highest weekly score prize. Often double gameweeks don’t yield that many points. It’ll be tough to beat. It’s worth mentining Marc Albrighton and Ashley Young’s contributions as well as Marcos Alonso and Cesar Azpilicueta’s double digit hauls. It’s arguably more about the cheaper differential members of your team rather than the players that everybody else has. Honorable mentions to Emergency Gap Jumper and Mrs Magoo who also passed the century mark. The Winnings R Mine and Gap Jumpers’ scores place them in a great position to pinch the December manager of the month prize. The table currently looks like this with one gameweek to play…

Bearing in mind that it’s a reduced gameweek in which Tottenham (and Kane) and West Ham don’t play, it’s not going to be a straightforward round of matches to negotiate. Someone could jump from even further down the pack. It’s worth also bearing in mind that the resultant double gameweek is in GW22. Whether your chasing this massive monthly prize or not, the right tactics are crucial so as not to lose pace with whoever it is you don’t want to lose pace with. Oh – and Harry Kane is ill.

Player of the week – Harry Kane – 17 points

For the second consecutive week and his third overall this season. It’s taken until Christmas, but maybe – just maybe – he is going to be indispensable. And even moreso in a double gameweek – if he’s fit enough to play. Illness or no illness, is the 48 hour gap too little even for him to start two consecutive games? Are you considering a triple captain punt? It’ll be a perfect opportunity for him to register his fourth player of the week total. It would be his third in consecutive playing gameweeks – a feat which I don’t think anyone has managed previously.

Bargain of the week – Trent Alexander-Arnold – 14 points

This Liverpool defence are beginning to keep clean sheets. It’s three in their last four. They appear much more reliable against the teams they should be beating, which is encouraging to managers when those kind of fixtures roll round. Particularly seeing as how there are many cheap routes into that Liverpool back line. Alexander-Arnold and Joe Gomez are rotating the right back berth – with slightly more action for Gomez. Both come in at well under £5 million.

Twat of the week – Marcos Rojo – -1 points

Hooked after 45 minutes at 2-0 down against Burnley at Old Trafford. Maybe the Argentinian defender is not quite back up to full speed yet after a long injury lay-off. His comeback has coincided with a ropy spell at the back for United. Nine clean sheets in their first thirteen has change dramatically into just one in their last seven.