About Me

I’m a woman, in my 20’s and am from the American Midwest. I’m also currently in college and am going into the medical field. I’m a feminist, a scientist, a musician, a swing dancer, a dreamer, and a million other irrelevant things.
Oh yeah, and I’m a survivor of multiple sexual assaults.
So why am I making this blog? To be honest, I’m not entirely sure yet. I already have a journal. Maybe this’ll be a good way to organize my thoughts in one spot. Or better yet, maybe it can help you recover, help you help someone who is recovering, or allow you to better understand what life is like as a survivor.
Here goes nothing.

My Not-So-Brief Story (TLDR version at the bottom)Trigger warning: descriptions of sexual assault.

Turning eighteen felt pretty good, as it does for most people. For me, it meant celebrating my biggest accomplishment to date: overcoming the depression brought on by my parents’ divorce which began the previous year. It meant starting a new life with my mom after watching her being verbally abused ever since I can remember. It was a time of growth for both of us.
It was also a time of fear. I was afraid my depression would come back. I was afraid that I would repeat my parents’ mistakes by either becoming my father or marrying someone like him. Mostly it was a time of determination, because I was doing everything in my power to make sure those fears wouldn’t become a reality even though the odds were against me in both respects. Because of my parents, I learned that respect is the most important thing in a relationship. I knew that because of what I saw my parents go through, I would demand respect in every relationship and show them the door if that didn’t happen.
Well… that didn’t quite go the way I planned. Continue reading My Background and Story

Most people know that the body goes into “fight or flight” mode when in a dangerous and stressful situation. What many people don’t know is that there are more possible responses, one of which is to freeze. A person can literally be involuntarily, temporarily paralyzed with fear. This is called tonic immobility.

According to recent research, the majority of female rape survivors do not fight back or yell for help because of tonic immobility. Another study found that half of people who survived childhood sexual abuse also experienced tonic immobility.

They can’t fight. They can’t run. They’re trapped inside their own bodies. It sucks, but it’s not their fault. Understandably, being unable to move during a traumatic event would have a lasting effect on someone. The same study also found that “those who experienced extreme tonic immobility were twice as likely to suffer post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and three times more likely to suffer severe depression in the months after the attack than women who did not have this response.”

There are many reasons not to fight back during a sexual assault. Sometimes it’s simply not necessary. Sometimes the survivor would be physically harmed even more if they fought back. Sometimes the perpetrator is very strong and there’d be no chance of escaping anyway. And sometimes tonic immobility takes over and a person can’t fight back even if they want to. Whatever the reason, not fighting back is totally valid.

So I don’t want to hear any more nonsense about survivors of sexual assault needing to fight back.

Say to yourself: “I am having a flashback”. Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

Remind yourself: “I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present.” Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

Last fall, I saw sexually assaulted while swing dancing by a guy we’ll call L. He doesn’t dance much anymore, but it still shouldn’t have been a surprise when I ran into him yesterday. Luckily, I was able to keep my cool for the most part. I was shocked and uncomfortable when I first saw him. I even considered leaving. But why let him steal my joy? So I stayed and tried to stay on the opposite end of the room whenever possible. He seemed to be avoiding me as well. My first few dances after he arrived were detached and the smile I had on my face was very fake. I tried to stay in the moment, think happy thoughts (such as putting the image in my head of A on one knee) and remind myself that L can’t harm me anymore. I hope I don’t see him again ever… but at least it was bearable to run into him. I’m so thankful that my PTSD has been giving me a break these last couple months.

I like to talk about mental illness on this blog and my personal struggles with mental health. But let’s be clear: I’m not technically mentally ill. I’m in a weird gray area, because I have symptoms of PTSD but it’s not serious enough for a diagnosis. Recently I found out that there’s an unofficial name for this: subthreshold PTSD. Continue reading Subthreshold PTSD

Important Definitions

- Sexual assault: any unwanted/non-consensual sexual activity. More information here.
- Rape: Sexual assault involving penetration.
- Consent: affirmative, sober, voluntary, unambiguous, verbal permission to engage in a specific sexual activity at a certain time. It can be withdrawn at any time and cannot be assumed under any circumstances. More information here.
- Trigger: anything that reminds a person of a traumatic memory in someone who has experienced trauma, often related to the five senses. They can cause flashbacks, anxiety, feeling disconnected, anger, feeling defensive, tenseness, feeling negative thoughts, etc. More information here.
- Rape Culture: a culture in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality. Examples here.