No, I- wait! Yes, there was one! The Games Media Award for best Specialist Games Writer in Print. Would you like to see it?

If I say yes, will you uncuff me?

‘Specialist’ Games Writer?

A writer for a publication solely about games, as opposed to someone who does the games bit in a general mag or paper. Those guys had an award that night too, but we didn’t know any of them and I’ve forgotten who won.

This was an actual awards ceremony?

An actual awards ceremony. I didn’t go last year, so I took the precaution of getting drunk with PC Zone on a barge beforehand to be ready for any eventuality. It was an extremely dense concentration of people I knew and liked in a medium-sized comedy joint, with tables somehow arranged so that more than half the guests had to twist and shuffle to see the stage.

Sponsor Deep Silver barged us down the Thames from Paddington to Camden, via London Zoo. Most agreeable.

I hadn’t prepared an acceptance speech, beyond joking to Log that I should mimic Halle Berry’s. I had absolutely no recollection of what Halle Berry said, and by the time my category came around someone had already made a Halle Berry joke. But nevertheless, when I reached the podium, the only thing I could think to say was:

This is a victory not just for me, but for African American women all over the United States.

At least, that’s what I tried to say. I have no idea what came out, since conscious function had utterly abandoned me at this point. I did remember to tack on thankyous to Ross and Tim, and Log had asked me to let people know that he was available for freelance, so I did that too. I found out later that people thought I was just rubbing his face in it. I also think I may have got some words wrong, since I was kind of a mess.

I stumbled off stage but was intercepted, grabbed and shoved in front of a GMA banner and told to hold my prize victoriously. I think I offended the model they wanted to drape me with by implying I didn’t want to be seen with her. I think I also probably offended the organisers by having nothing to say on-camera when they tried to interview me afterwards, in fact I think I may have even come across as mocking them.

Essentially, I experienced a sensation familiar to anyone who’s won an award: the precise moment at which you become an insufferable prick.

I saw you with a big gold gift bag. What was in that?

Lots of random stuff from the sponsors of the event, like Codemasters paper weights and Lego Batman on a format I don’t own. But, in amongst that, Â£50 worth of man-beauty at some fancy London spa who will, if so commanded, wax your crack, a golden Nintendo DS Lite with The Phantom Hourglass, and a big gold voucher telling me who to hit up for my free copy of Rock Band 2, with all the instruments.

Who else won stuff?

I was really happy to see Eurogamer’s Ellie Gibson get the online version of my award – we go way back, but I voted for her because of this. Sadly Rock Paper Shotgun didn’t get the Best Website nod they were up for – Eurogamer did. I consider it impolite of Ellie to win an individual and a group award in the same night. Edge beat us to Best Magazine, and I’m happy for them largely because their own Alex Wiltshire, who was up for my award, seemed so genuinely happy for me.

The single, twitching claret pupil of Edge magazine, nameless and livid. That’s me on the left, but I’m so hideous I had to cut my own face off.

The people there were overwhelmingly nice to me. I was overwhelmed. If I hadn’t recently become an Insufferable Prick, I may have wept. Alex was lovely, Log was lovely, Will and Steve from PC Zone were lovely, my editors Tim and Ross were lovely, my publishers James and Richard were lovely, even when I started shouting at one of them about online strategy (Insufferable Prick), Kieron and Alec from RPS were lovely, Ryan and Jonty from Official Xbox World were lovely, and Matt and Rick from Games TM – with whom I’d hoped to strike up an aggressive rivalry – were too lovely for me to do so. It was a whole evening of people sincerely overestimating my talent and worth.

Rock Paper Shotgun, and a guy I don’t know, tear up the dance floor.

You’re not actually that good. How were you able to win this?

Obviously a lack of shame, integrity and humility helped me a great deal here. This blog is not game-changingly popular, compared to the many higher-profile places the GMAs were mentioned with a nod to a different candidate, but it appears to be frequented by profoundly decent chaps and chapettes. I’ve never seen a site with comment threads this long that’s so entirely free of howling douchesatchels.

On top of that, 1Fort is, I think, game-changingly popular, and without prompting Chris wrote me an amazing endorsement there that convinced even me to vote for myself. I have no facts to back this up, but I suspect a post like this from a guy like Chris does more than an offhanded link from a site with ten times the daily uniques. Thanks, Chris. Please don’t DVORAK my keyboard.

Little Green Man: Woop! Well deserved, if only you came to the PCGamer Showdown I could've gotten your autograph!

Dr. Nerfball: Why my good sir, I do beleive that was a rather lovely blog post which even stopped to compliment me on my voting skills (in other news: =D) however if you would be so kind as to put in "chaps and chappettes" so then it would encompass me then I will not clog this post with comments that make me sound like a Grade A Pillock thanks to the language that makes me sound delectably upper-class.

Anyway, thanks for listening and congratulations on winning a well justified award.

What you of course should have done was get extremely annoyed with all of us for not congratulating you before you tell us. Awards for gratuitous swearing do not come lightly! You could have got all moody-screenplay-actor on our asses.

Hang on, what was it you said you did again?

Chijts: Well whadda ya know, the system works!

Anyone who can make me want to play GalCiv, only then to find out I actually strongly dislike it, yet make me want to play it again on reading the more recent diary of your exploits, has to win something.

Devenger: Congratulations, youve risen up my respect-scale once again. The last time was yesterday when I read in the new PCG about you defeating 7 Supreme AIs on SupCom, which I believe is equivalent to completing your average game on Hard whilst wielding a small toothpick. (Well, I know that Normal caused enough trouble for me on that game.)

Tom Francis: I should clarify that I didn't make the 7 AIs gang up on me, it was just a free-for-all.

peterd102: Oh, well then I defeated the Allies and Axis armies in 1945, alright not at the same time...

Ah well, at least you were honest there.

Niteowl: I can't say I've been an avid, or longtime fan. But as a sometimes-reader of your blog posts and someone entirely unfamiliar with your print work, I offer my meaningless congratulations on the award.

Also, perspex has so few uses that it's nice when it gets a time to shine.

Zeno Cosini: Congratulations Tom! Any protean, yammering entities imprisoned in your crystalline shard for unleashing on lesser games journalists who question your superiority? Or is it just for show?

Devenger: On the fact it was an FFA: yeah, but that's still a lot of stuff to blow up before you still have to face a Supreme AI who's evaded your blowing up. Deathmatchers in all games can claim overall victory without getting more kills than all their opponents put together!