Lights. Camera. Lubrication. This September, the Vatican is opening its jewel doors to filmmakers from the German media company Wetbild for use in their production of the pornographic film “The Holy Seed”. Wetbild is a corporation that is wholly owned by the Catholic Church and has been the center of a decade-long controversy within the Church for its publication of pornographic books. In the past, the Church has attempted to distance itself from the material stating, “Weltbild tries to prevent the distribution of possibly pornographic content.” However, as Wetbild owns Blue Panther Books whose 2,500+ erotic titles include “Anwaltshure” (Lawyer’s Whore), “Vögelbar” (F—kable) and “Schlampen-Internat” (Sluts’ Boarding School), it appears as though the Church has not been successful. In fact, Wetbild is not the only Church owned purveyor or pornography. They also own a 50% share of Droemer Knaur which produces pornographic titles such as “Nimm mich hier und nimm mich jetzt!” (Take Me Here, Take Me Now!), and “Sag Luder zu mir!” (Call Me Slut!). This latest venture into the world of pornography is sure to create a sticky public relations situation for the Vatican.

According to a Vatican press release, Wetbild will be filming for only two days though expects to complete three movies during that time. In addition to “The Holy Seed”, the films “Bible Thumpers” and “Trinity’s Holes” will be shot in closed-off sections of the Vatican. Even more shocking, Pope Benedict XVI himself will be making a brief cameo in “The Holy Seed”. The Pope will stumble across a pair of frisky worshippers and speak the line, “hmmm, conclave bello” which roughly translates to “Hmmm, nice conclave.”

The decision to film a pornographic movie in the Vatican has stunned Catholics everywhere. However, the Vatican insists that the films do not undermine church principles. According to the Vatican’s Senior Communications Advisor Greg Burke, “We thoroughly vetted the actors and actresses playing the roles. We required that they must be married Catholic adults and that they behave in a manner which portrays the dignity and majesty of the Church.” When asked why this controversial decision was made, Burke, a former journalist for the Fox Network and member of the controversial sect known as Opus Dei, responded, “Celibacy is very difficult. We are experiencing a moral crisis in the church. Too many of our priests have acted in a manner which is not congruent to our belief system. Viewing these films will allow for a more harmonious release of their urges. They must do this for themselves, for the church and for God.”

As the Vatican’s Rub One Out for Jesus campaign kicks off, the Church will undoubtedly face many hard questions: Is masturbation now an accepted Catholic practice? Is pornography okay? Should we start using our halos as cock rings? Given that the Catholic Church has shamelessly purveyed pornography for decades, it appears as though the answer to all of these questions is yes.

Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed satiric Writer and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.