No doubt you’ll be pleased to know that I am no longer a Trade Union member; I suppose I ought to be grateful for this situation and feel heaven blessed that your Prime Ministerial predecessors – Messrs Thatcher, Major, Blair, and Brown virtually destroyed the trade union movement in order to appease the bankers and industrialists of this world in the name of profit. I won’t mention the tax evading multi-national corporations you’re so kind to, because that would be a tad embarrassing for all concerned.

Anyway, I wish you well in your single-handed campaign to destroy everything that working people fought so hard to establish over so many years, and I fully understand that we all need a good kick in the arse from time to time so that we know our place. I stand in awe of your resolute approach regarding the total destruction of the ‘enemy within.’ I was never a member of the Bullingdon Club myself, although I did once own a rather nice jacket. One I worked overtime to pay for. (Do you remember overtime Sir? It used to be paid at time and a half, double time on Sundays by way of compensation for workers sacrificing time with their families in order to meet production requirements. Thank heaven you and your predecessors put a stop to that nonsense with zero hours contracts and agency employment. Quite frankly it was a nightmare until common sense kicked in.)

I think it makes perfect sense to demand that striking shirkers give two weeks notice to employers in order to initiate strike action. I mean, it’s not as though strike action is a last resort is it? The lazy sods just want a day off in the sun to pop down the beach and sun themselves. Unlike our hard working Parliamentarians who can’t afford to take a day off unless it involves filling in expense forms. I also think it makes perfect sense that striking picket line members (Although I haven’t personally seen a picket line since the Miners Strike in 1984/5 which the heroic Mrs Thatcher soon crushed with the invaluable assistance of a battery of expensive consultants, like the McGregor chap, an upstanding man if ever I saw one.) will be forced to register their names and details with the police.

Personally, I’d be a bit careful with that one. Take a lead from Mrs Thatcher – she may well have been going a bit senile at the time but she knew to keep the old Bill onside. She dragged them in from all over the country to batter people at places like Orgreave coking plant, and paid them generous overtime rates, spending millions in order to beat the bolshy bastards down and essentially create what we now understand to be welfare dependency. Should you achieve such astounding success in your union bashing campaign, don’t forget to take full credit for your achievement, and unlike Mrs Thatcher be overlooked for creating benefit scroungers whilst giving us the miracle that is Canary Wharf. We’re proud of that, so it doesn’t pay to overlook achievement. One has to speculate, to…erm…accumulate.

In closing Sir – good luck in obliterating those bolshy trade union left wing bastards. Or at least what’s left of them.

Your obedient servant

Martin Shuttlecock

PS – If you reply to this letter I promise I’ll send my freshly cut off bollocks back by return post. I’d give more, but sadly I have nothing else left.