Journal

I never saw this coming
My world without you
Everyday brings new aches and pains
Each memory turned bittersweet

Holidays and birthdays
that should have been spent together
are now heart rending reminders
that life is not how it should be

Those around me
express their concern, love, support
as much as I know they care
it doesn’t stop me from falling apart
The ache doesn’t release nor ease
My heartbreak is my own burden
even in the midst of a thousand vows of love

Words fail me
my heart is a blackhole
a void exists in my soul
and every moment I am unquestionably aware
that my chest aches anew with each breath

I can’t help but exist
but no matter what this one truth
is my new reality
“My whole world is dark without you.”

I think I finally understand Batman
he is a shadow
but not just any shadow
no he is the embodiment of reconciled darkness
the reconciled darkness of Bruce Wayne
So that just leaves one question:
How do I reconcile my darkness
to be a purposed shadow?

You pointedly mention “what a long fall it will be from this pedestal you have me on.”

I’m hit by these words with a force I wasn’t prepared for.

I see you beyond your strengths. I see your flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections but I don’t dwell upon them.

Instead I dwell on the truth of you. All the pieces past and present that compose the entity that is you. Every little nuance endearing or annoying that I’ve noted and connected as something uniquely you.

You say pedestal, I say love. Do I think highly of you? Absolutely because you are a person of quality. Perfect, no but I’m not asking for perfection. I love you and I see you through that. Mercy, grace, understanding all the things that you view me through I extend back to you.

I only brag about people who I know love me… I may not understand why you love me. I may be hesitantly waiting for you to abandon me. I may wonder how in the world I honestly give back to you. I may question what keeps you here, but in the end I know you love me even if I don’t understand why.

A pedestal? No. A place of safety, protection, fortification? Absolutely.

I love you. I may not know the best way to display it or even how to show you in a reinforcing manner. But I’m honestly trying. Trying to make sure you have one person forever for you, no matter what form you come in. My love in many ways is inconsequential, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change it’s depth or truth.

I promise to keep you off the pedestal but understand I love through grace.

I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt
Keep trusting you
Showing you my most vulnerable side
My deepest love
Literally giving you everything that I contain within me
because I know you are worth it…
yet you speak ill of me to others when I’m not near
you prove over and over again that you only care about you
it’s clear to see that my name is not safe on your lips
you don’t love me, not truly
so why do I keep giving all of me to you?
Help me understand why I care when you clearly don’t give a fuck?
I’m a broken heart and a broken soul that needs to let you go, because everyday with you destroys me a little more.