I
have an old friend I just found
out was raped violently by a
stranger. Sadder than than that,
when she came home from the
rape her husband was high on
a drug, got stimulated by the
thought of his wife being raped
(as sick as it sounds) and raped
her again. Other than the obvious,
"get out of there" advise, can
you provide any recommendations
for dealing with this repeat
trauma. She is now so very frightened
of strangers she cannot go anywhere
alone, not even to the grocery
store. Your help or referral
would be very important to me.
Is there a book I could read
to try to understand what she
may be going through.

Thanks
for your note to Feminist.com--and
for being such a great friend.
Without sounding too glib--I
think that therapy is what is
needed. (Please look at the
list of services listed at Feminist.com--the
national database. This
will hopefully put you in touch
with the resources nearest to
you. You might also check out
our Violence
Against Women Section) You
have probably heard about the
"cycle of abuse," which keeps
going unless it is broken. In
women this often manifests itself
in constantly finding yourself
in abusive situations. For men--the
cycle is often repeating the
violence. These two seem like
a case of this. Whether she's
willing to "leave him" or not
- she needs to have someone
to talk to that will help her
get to the root of this abuse.
For him--he needs help, too--because
if it's not her, it will be
someone else. Often times people--mostly
women--aren't motivated to be
honest about an abuser-until
they realize that it isn't about
them, but about future victims
of abuse. One model that might
work for your friend is "model
mugging"--which is really about
self-empowerment and creating
boundaries in our lives. It's
also about identifying the abuse
in our lives. Perhaps she can
enroll in one of those classes.

As for books--which could be
a comfort and an inspiration
to take action--she should take
a look at some of these, which
should be available at the library
and bookstores-- as well as
at our Feminist.com
Bookstore under "Violence
Against Women".

The
Courage to Heal by
Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

For
Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty
in Child-Rearing and the Roots
of Violence by Alice
Miller