Saturday, January 18, 2014

There’s something about anthology films that
appeal to me on some sort of primal level. I love them, and I can’t get enough
of them. Perhaps it’s the genetic heritage of Amicus movies, or the short form of
Roald Dahl TV series The Tales of the Unexpected and The Twilight Zone re-runs, or
perhaps George A Romero’sCreepshow, which was amongst the very first VHS tapes
I bought in the eighties or the many horror anthology books I received throughout
my childhood… Whatever it may be, there’s still something about the short brief
story arcs all collected into one movie that I like, which obviously is great
now when the anthology film has made something of a comeback with stuff like
ABC’s of Death, V/H/S etc., etc.…Also
known as the Portmanteau movie, basically as the word Portmanteau refers to a
word being made up of two other words, i.e. a movie made up of other shorter
movies, one can trace the portmanteau film as far back as the 1919’s Germany
where director Richard Oswald (born Richard W Ornstein) - who later fled the
Nazis and ended up in the States, after a fantastic career in Fantasy and
horror filmmaking – sorry, back to Oswald, yeah, back in 1919, when Oswald released Unhemliche Gesichten (Erie Tales), starring amongst others Conrad Veidt and Anita Berber and shot
by Karl Hoffman, Fritz Lang’s patron saint of the cinematography. Eerie Tales
tells five short stories, from the likes of Robert L Stephenson and Edgar Allan
Poe, as told by the guests of the wraparound; the devil a prostitute and the
death share tall tales with each other in a closed bookshop.

As a sub niche, the Anthology film has always been around; it’s
always been something of a trustworthy source for quick fix of irony, the macabre
and dark twisted horror. It’s during the 1960’s and early 70’s that the niche
gained real renaissance as a platform for collections of cheap thrills and
nasty scares. Not just retrained to the film industries of the US or England -
where Amicus became masters of the portmanteau film, but even globally with
fine entries such as Italy’s Mario Bava and his Il tre volti della paura (Black
Sabbath)1963, Japan’s Masaki Kobayashi and the two hour epic Kwaidan 1964, the
French/Italian Fellini/Malle/Vadim sexy arty-horror
vehicle Histories Extraordinaires(Spirits of the Dead) 1968, I’d even go as far as calling Jean Rollin’s debut feature Le Viol du
Vampire (The Rape of the Vampire) 1968 something of an anthology film as it actually
consists of two initially separate films.

Obviously Mexican filmmakers where getting in on the trend
too, and why shouldn’t they, as directors like Ramón Obón, Chano Urueta, and
Julián Soler tied together short form stories into some great anthology flicks.
One such film being Pánico!

Pánico tells three tales in chapters titled: Panic, Solitude,
Anguish and it does this with all the traits of the portmanteau film: dark,
macabre, ironic with EC horror twists waiting at the finale.

The titular episode Panic starts with the sound of a
screaming baby and an empty crib before Maria [Ana Martín] finds herself running
through the woods, chased by a screaming witch [Ofelia Guilmáin] Suddenly she’s
in a city environment, amongst parked cars, confronted by a band of rough men.
She’s dragged to the ground and raped before running through the woods again,
first chased by the men, then the witch. Maria carries a doll with a fractured
face, she walks with the doll into a small pond of blood, and then the chase is
on again up to the point where the narrative is interrupted and the twist is
explained. Back in 1966 I’m pretty sure that this was major intense stuff, as
the entire fifteen minutes of Panic see’s Ana Maria running through the woods,
screaming raving bloody murder. It’s immensely metaphorical and filled with
symbolism that leads to that last moment twist.

Solitude starts with two men praying over a freshly dug
grave. As they travel the backwater river through the swamp, the backstory comes
to haunts them… Both men where involved with the woman they just buried. She,
[Susana Salvat] was married to Abel [José Gàlvez] but was having an affair with
Carlos [Joaquín Cordero who also starred in Ramón Obón Snr’s anthology horror
Cien gritos de terror (100 Cries of Terror) and who also held the titular role
in Miguel Morayta’s seminal work Doctor Satán 1966] Their boat crashes on the
rapids and they are forced to makeshift camp in the dark damp swamp. Trapped in
the jungle their frustrations, ill conscious and guilt surface to keep them
company.

The final tale Anguish, clearly based on Edgar Allen Poe’sThe
Premature Burial, holds something of a dark comedic tone. Scientist Tiberius
[Aldo Monti, who starred as Dracula in René Cardona’sSanto en El Tesoro de
Drácula (Santo and Dracula’s Treasure)1969, and Miguel M. Delgado’sSanto y
Blue Demon vs Drácula y el Hombre Lobo (Santo and Blue Demon versus Dracula and
the Wolf man) 1973) discovers a spanking new and highly powerful sedative that
can be used in surgeries… But before he can celebrate, his damned cat accidentally
knocks over the potion, killing them both on the spot… or at least so it seems.
In fact Tiberius is alive inside his body even if all vital signs are missing.
His wife Melody [Alma Delia Fuentes] cries at his bed as the doctors declare
him dead and set about planning his funeral. Tiberius screams inside his head,
that he’s alive and will be well in the morning, his deathlike appearance merely
the effect of his magnificent drug! The only thing that Tiberius can control
are his eyelids which gives a couple of darkly comedic moments as doctors,
undertakers and family try to close his eyelids only to see them pop open
again. Just like the previous entries into this wonderful anthology, Anguish
ends with a shocking ironic twist.

Pánico is a solid anthology flick with plenty of atmosphere
and a lot of strong emotions going on. After all this is horror, and horror
deals with topics of guilt, redemption, sex and death and it works just as well
in short form as it does in long form!

Just as most of the movies in the Lucha
libre/horror/crime/sci-fi niche, there’s an opening initial attack. It’s often
the introduction of the mad scientist or the fiendish foe or just one in a
string of strange murders… The Wrestling Women Vs. The Aztec Mummy starts with
the dumping of a male body as a car swooshes’ by, ditching the lifeless corpse
on the road without slowing down. A fast edit later and exposition through
newspaper headline, to bring us up to speed, Doctor Van Dyne has a dagger
rammed into his heart by the fiendish Fu-Manchu look-a-like, Black Dragon [Ramón
Bugarini]!

Time to introduce our leading ladies, the Golden Girls of the ring, Gloria
Venus and Golden Rubí. I really love this opening fight because Lorena
Velázquez and Elizabeth Campbell are fab. I love how Velázquez character Gloria
Venus is in such torment as Rubí is struggling with her unfair opponent, but at
the same time – in her state of frustration tossing herself against the ropes –
Gloria Venus is such a fair fighter that she won’t take to the same unjust
tricks and get in there. She simply waits for Rubí to get out of trouble and
make the by the book, tag-slap- handover before taking part in the action. That’s how you write a stern and fair
Luchadora character! And it’s always great to see Campbell wrestle
opponents, as she was always a good foot taller than all her adversaries.

Black Dragon is searching for a secret codex, unfortunately split into several parts, that has been discovered in a pre-camber of an ancient Aztec tomb
recently opened nearby by a team of archaeologists… Black Dragon’s method has been to
assassinate the archaeologists, one by on, in his search for the one with the
secret codec to open the ancient tomb. Inside the tomb, a suit of armour awaits.
A suit of armour, which allows the bearer to conquer the world – as magic
ancient armours always do.

Setting up the scenario, Dr. Miguel Sorva [Julío de Meriche]
lurks around Gloria Venus and Golden Rubí’s dressing room after the initial
wrestling bout. They notice him, confront him, and just as they are about to
whoop his ass for being a kinky peeping tom, he explains that he’s really there
to talk to Gloria Venus fiancée Detective Rios [Armando Silvestre]. Just as he's finished explaining the backstory of Black Dragon and the threat he poses to the team of archaeologists, he’s shot in the neck with a deadly arrow laced with deadly poison.

With no time to waste, the foursome (now with comedic reliever
Chucho Gomez [Chucho Salinas] back as Rios colleague detective) pay a visit to Professor
Luis Trelles [Victor Velázquez, also the father of Lorena Velázquez], who explains
further the mystery and secret of the codec pieces and introduces Charla,
[María Eugenia San Martín], daughter of one of the murdered archaeologists.
Professor Luis asks the luchadoras and detectives to each take part of the
codex as to keep them safe. Rubí and Venus accept, as this would give them a
great opportunity to expose and defeat Black Dragon and his gang of Hench men.
Detective Rios wraps it all up with the smart and cunning plan that they all
live together until the mystery is solved. Locked and loaded, let’s go!

Charla is kidnapped by Black Dragon’s goons, taken to his
lair, hypnotized, and programmed to be his ears and eyes in the house that they
all live in, perhaps completely unnecessary as he also has cameras hidden in
the house, from which he observes them secretly upon a large monitor in his
hidden lair. If you where wondering where the “mad professor/surgeon” scenario
was, well here you go. Albeit a blood free operation, Black Dragon operates on
Charla whilst his band of misfits look on and applaud his work. He sends her
back to the apartment with an assignment of injecting Professor Trelles with a
drug that will have him expose the location of the final pieces to the codex.
This results in a great scene where she first stabs the Professor and then is
interrupted by Rubí and Venus! Slam down!

Becoming fed-up with Rubí and Venus constant interference Black
Dragon proposes his female fighters to take out Rubí and Gloria Venus in a bout
of strength in the ring. "We’ll tear them to pieces in three minutes!", say the sisters
of martial arts. The plot, now something of a cat-and-mouse race against the
clock to find where Professor Trelles has hidden the pieces before Black Dragon
get’s them… but remember, he’s got Chala hypnotized and hidden cameras in the
apartment, comes to a spectacular Mexican standoff (no pun intended) for the
codex pieces… the solution, a very gentlemanlike agreement where Black Dragon’s
judo experts are to take on the Luchadoras Rubí and Venus in a fierce battle at
the Arena Nacíonal! The winning team of combatants get’s to take all the pieces
of the Codex! I know, it’s somewhat ridiculous – especially as the women talk
tactics in their changing room - but at the same time a great way to get the
opponents into the wrestling ring. Don’t forget that initial bout, where I
discussed Gloria Venus sense of sportsmanship, because nothing could have
prepared them for the unjust fight that Black Dragon’s martial arts ladies have
in store for them.

We’re half way though, and still we haven’t seen Black
Dragon’s female fighters beat the living daylights out of Rios and Chucho. Black
Dragon still has to layout his delicate plan to swipe the armour from under the
good-guys noses, and the climactic trip to the excavation site and entering of
the burial chamber, and the realization of the curse… the curse which see’s the
Aztec Mummy walk once again!

All right, in all honesty, Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec
Mummy does have a kind of cheap matinée tone to it. (But don't they all, and would you want it any
other way?) It takes some time to establish stuff before reaching the second
half - where the Luchadoras take on the, Judo experts from the orient, in a lengthy
all-stakes-on-one-card match which goes on for a whopping ten minutes! So
despite the somewhat slow build-up, there is a reward coming. The second half
also see’s a spectacular backstory of Aztec ritual, mixing stock footage and
materials shot for the film, in an amazing segment that explains the Aztec armour,
the curse of the Mummy. Mexican Boris Karloff, Gerardo Zepeda, has a decent amount
of scenes where he actually get’s to portray the Aztec sorcerer Tezomoc as a
living human and not disguised as one of the many brute, disfigured thugs or
monster’s characters he portrayed in many of the Mexican shockers he starred
in. But not to worry, if you read this far, then you already know who’s behind
the hideous Aztec mummy mask.

Then there’s the final act. An act that makes up for any
dubious thoughts about the movie up to here, because the last act has a wonderful
string of twists – I’m not kidding, you will never see this coming! There’s
also the Mummy who can shape-shift into a bat, bringing a Universal horror
like vibe to the piece, and the delightful cheesy, cheap archaeology-action-mystery
climax in the vein of“Indiana Jones”
complete with curses, creaking tombstones, cobwebs, skeletons, monsters and
screaming protagonists!

Monday, January 06, 2014

Alejandro Jodorowsky, man of mystery, man of myth, man of
magic. The eighty-five year old Chilean born director has but a half dozen
movies to his name, but is still considered to be one of the most daring and original
visionaries to ever grace the screen with his images and philosophical
narratives.

Lost films. Every director seems to have one. Every fan
seems to find it. Tusk was (may still be) Alejandro Jodorowsky’s lost movie.
The first time I saw it was off a VHS dupe, not too unlike the one I watched
this time around, but this one was obviously a few generations closer to the source and
actually had English subtitles. The first viewing all those years ago on a
dodgy tape from VSoM – hey there was no Internet back then right! – was perhaps not a fair judgment of Jodorowsky's vision. That time around Tusk failed to leave an impression. I probably only
watched that tape once. El Topo and/or The Holy Mountain where more to my liking –
and obviously Santa Sangre, but Tusk never really went down well with me.
Perhaps because back then I wanted it to be wild and surreal like those other
films… Re-visiting it today, it’s fair to say that something’s do change and
where I may have missed certain traits that I back then would have said where
typical Jodorowsky, they are undoubtedly present in Tusk.

On the same day as plantation owner Morrison’s first child is
born, the largest elephant of the herd also gives birth to an elephant cub.
It’s the start of two destinies, which will intertwine and depend upon each
other for the rest of time, shown clearly as Jodorowsky crosscuts the two deliveries.
Plantation owner Morrison [Anton Diffring] is severely disappointed it’s not a
boy and turns the child over to one of the female villagers to take care of. His
butler acts fast, and returns the infant to it’s still in father… who breaks
down, cradles the baby and names her Elise. A few years later Elise (now at age
five is played by Oriole Henry) is given an elephant of her own, the elephant
Tusk with whom Elise shares her birthday.

Two antagonists (or rather sub-antagonists, as the piece
deals with several of them and in various combinations) are introduced into the
piece, Shakley [Michel Peyrelon] and Greyson [Serge Merlin, who later starred
in several films of Marc Caro and Jean-Pierre Jeunet]…in many ways classical
Jodorowsky antagonists, farcical, goofy and filled with slapstick and mime
articulations, but also dark and disturbing. They are more the surreal kind of
characters that otherwise fill Jodorowsky movies, disturbing facetted fiends swinging
between sadistic and moronic. They fart, crack jokes about the stench, smoke
Camel hairs, drink till they pass out, but at the same time they are ruthless
bounty hunters who will stop a nothing, no matter how fiendish it be to achieve
their goal.

Back at the ranch, it’s time to break Tusk and put him to
work with all the rest of Morrison’s elephants. The scene is strong, violent
and provoking leaving Elise terribly distressed. Morrison tries to reason with
his daughter, and delivers the non-comforting explanation that, one day she will
understand Tusk cannot be a wild animal, but a worker. Elise hides herself in
her room and refuses to eat. When the young Elephant cub starts refusing too the
bond is apparent.“So he’s going to die!”The Village Mystic arrives and Elise is given a false promise of Tusk
being “freed”, after which she talks to him and he eats. For the time being all
is well, Elise and Tusk lead happy lives but we know otherwise...

Time passes; adult Elise [now played by Cyrille Clair] is
about to leave home, travel overseas to England and attend school, briefly illustrated
through transitional illustrations. With Elise out of the way for a while,
enter Mr Richard Cairn [Christopher Mitchum] a complex character who’s both a
fiendish elephant hunter, bit also holds the strong love interest position for
Elise’s heart.

Elise returns home from her time abroad, but the
celebrations soon come to an end when Ram Baba [T. Venketappa] attacks Samadi
[B.N.K. Nagaraj] Tusk’s warden. Tusk [now portrayed by Menoara the elephant],
ever the faithful one, looses his and goes off on a min rampage. Luckily Elise
steps in right on time and calms down the giant elephant merely seconds before
Mr Cairn was going to put a bullet through the beast’s brain. This incident
ignites a subplot concerning Ram Baba – now degraded to serving in the cow shed
and never to work with Mr Morrison’s elephants ever again – as he demands
vengeance on Mr Morrison, Samada and Tusk for this loss of face.

Despite his own elephant escaping and rampaging the
countryside, Ram Baba teams up with Shakley and Greyson and hatches a plan to
steal Tusk! As she sit’s meditating at a water filled temple, Elise senses
Tusk’s kidnapping and runs to him only to be confronted by Ram Baba’s mad
elephant…Guess who comes to her rescue –TUSK – cue, elephant fight complete
with bloody tearing, gory tusks and dead antagonist elephant! A magnificently wonderful
Jodorowsky moment!

In the emotional state after her close call with death,
Elise understands that Tusk want’s to be free and pronounces him such. He runs
off! But his freedom is short lived as the Eccentric Maharaja’s [Sukumar
Anhana] wife wants an ivory necklace made from the tusks of the great warrior
elephant, and also requests to drink his blood and steal his power…

The hunt is announced, … Elise is disgusted, but she still
takes part in it – and damn does the amazing cinematography by Jean-Jacques
Flori, demand a proper release now, as there’s some great stuff here, some stunning shots, as an impressive amount of elephants participate in the climactic hunt. Ram Baba
and cohorts have come up with a new plan and that is to snatch Tusk from the
massive hunt, as they now realize his value and can use it to make a deal with
the maharaja.

Ram Baba with his partners in crime, Shackley and Greyson,
plan to snatch Tusk during the hunt, as they know of his value! But the two somewhat
comedic characters show their dark side as they lure Samedi up a mountain cliff
only to toss him over the edge to his death and then double cross Ram Baba as they
sniper shoot him from the mountainside!

Mr Cairn’s get’s to show off his hunting skills as Tusk is
snared, held in a giant cage, and the Maharajah’s fiendish wife gets her cup of
Tusk blood and Elise is devastated! But no cage is strong enough to hold the
mighty Tusk, and after a short struggle, he breaks free and goes on a rampage!

Walls are smashed, busses are tossed over, and Tusk even
pushes a train backwards as he makes his stand. The kind of thing that makes us
all root for the beast and cheer him on… and cheer him on is what we do for the
last twenty minutes of the movie, where Tusk settles scores, rights wrongs and
makes the world a better place! Phew… Tusk is very much a Jodorowsky
experience, without any doubt in mind!

Based on Poo Lorn L’Elephant by Reginald Campbell and
adapted by Nicholas Niciphor, who also served as one of the many co-directors
on Deathsport together with Allan Arkush and Roger Corman. The original source
material could be interpreted as some kind of critique towards the colonization
of India, with elephants and the characters as metaphors for empire and
occupied country, although that’s not really the way I see Jodorowsky using the material. Here it’s
put into work as a classical Jodorowsky narrative.

Sandwiched in between The Holy Mountain 1979 and Santa
Sangre 1989, Tusk is, as the opening titles declare, “a panic fable” and even
though it may not be quite as wild and surreal as some of his work, it is without
any doubt a very typical Jodorowsky movie. His common themes of revenge, justice,
dark comedy and absurd violence, are all here. Many times a
serious scene will end in a laugh, or a comedic scene will end in something
serious. Violence will lead to tenderness and tenderness will lead to violence. The classic Jodorowsky magik and surrealism is found too, such as the Indian mystic who can transform himself into a chicken!

Tusk sports a fantastic soundtrack, groovy sitar, fuzz tone
guitars, and way weird synthesizer pop, yet another reason why Tusk needs to
see a proper release. Why not a
soundtrack re-mastering and re-issue while your'e at it?

There’s a reason why they certain movies become “lost”. At
times its due to director negligence. As for Tusk, the movie has slipped into
the void after fact that Jodorowsky himself disowned the film due to the
politics of meddling producers. When will they ever learn? In any which way, Tusk certainly is a
Jodorowsky movie, and I’d love to see an official release of it. Seriously, not even the bootleg versions one can find have even a decent image, hence the lack of screenshots in this piece. This is one
“lost movie” that needs to be rediscovered and presented in a proper release,
because at the end of the day there can never be enough Jodorowsky movies out
there.

Friday, January 03, 2014

I didn’t want to write about this flick here, because it’s
going to stand out like a sore thumb, a nail in my eye each time I see that
it’s on here… but this terrible, terrible movie is kind of the of stuff I have
to answer for when people question why I watch horror.And that makes me mad.

So why the hell am I watching this flick to begin with? Well
I was bored senseless, was at my house in the countryside, and didn’t have
enough stuff with me that I wanted to watch. Looking thorough the pile of
watchers I have out here, this one struck my eye… Oh, that one… that disc I
picked up as a “filler” in a five for a tenner box last summer… So, I decided to
see if it was just as terrible as people have said – and with that said, never
forget that I’ve got mates who hold Texas Chainsaw 3D and Apollo 18 as great
flicks, movies I through where at the best mediocre, and THEY said that this film
sucked! But despite their warnings I ventured into this stinker filled with
fake optimism and the idea of “Well Feast
was kind of cool, can it really be that bad…?”

Yes, Piranha 3DD is bad. Really bad…this is the kind of shit that
gives genre cinema a bad rep, the kind of movie that makes stuff like the
Hatched films look like an arthouse movie! Why didn’t I listen to reason and
not waste just over an hour with this crap?

So what was Ok?

I really liked the recap and use of backstory as Victoria
Falls, once Spring break capital of US, has fallen into oblivion and abandonment.Then the neat first five minute appearance of
Clu Galager and Garry Busey and the dead cow… but then it all went the same way
that the dead cow did…. It got slightly, slightly interesting when Christopher
Lloyd made his appearance, but the lame-ass back to the future jokes don’t
belong here. The single best two scenes, which probably where lost completely
on the target key audiences, where : the brilliant Wes CravenNightmare on ElmStreet
bathtub dream sequence, which at the same time doubles for a Cronenberg’sShivers homage, and the fun use of Spielberg’s “shark attack” camera/focus
shift as Jaws becomes a fact. Here used as a gag featuring Hasslehoff and the
piranha attack. But that’s just about it… it’s not even a fun quirky tease like
the first one, just fucking dumb… and insulting.

So on to the bad… well, neither you nor I really have the
time for that; let’s just list them down as this…

The neat first five minute appearance of Clu Galager and
Garry Busey and the dead cow, which goes south when they start blowing stuff up
with dead cow farts… and that totally non explanatory migration of “Piranha
eggs!" Oh boy…

David Hasslehoff, who seems to be stuck in a nasty cycle of taking
parts where he mocks himself and possibly thinks that he’s ironizing his
classic Mitch role (or as here and in Sponge Bob Square Pants: The Movie amongst others...), himself, without
realizing that the jokes on him!

Way tired use of the classic overused GREED over SANITY
excuse, just like The Hoff’s “ironic” appearances it was fun the first time
around, this far up the road it’s just lazy.

Cameos, just for the sake of cameos. Someone please put Ving
Rahmes out of his misery… and what’s up with the totally stupid rip off of
other better movies… as if none of us ever saw Rose MacGowan’s machinegun leg
in Planet Terror?

A male character performs self-castration and doesn’t even
hesitate, or show signs of pain, and the dick joke was used in first flick, so
now you are ripping yourself off too.

The movie doesn’t even have real end-credits… there’s a
stupid Hasslehoff shtick, then some outtakes and more Hasslehoff shtick for no
real reason but to fill out the shitty movies runtime, as it’s not just barely
an hour long without all the tagged-on-to-the-end crap. Sadly only proving even
further that Hasslehoff is completely unaware that he’s being exploited too.

The totally lame-ass set up for a further sequel… Does John Gulager have no self-esteem? Is he happy playing middleman to what is
definitely going to be a total failure of a franchise? Didn’t’ he have enough
guts to get in there and make something unique with this… as Alexandre Aja does
with every “reboot” or “remake” swizzle he get’s in on. Which is why his films
constantly turn up on “best of the year” lists!

There’s not even any real disturbing gross-out moments here
either! Remember that - hair tangled in the boat propeller and face torn off - moment
from Aja’s original? Well that’s the kind of fun and shock horror that Aja
brought with him. In this one there’s not one such moment at all, and No, a
piranha in some fat stoners ass doesn’t count. If his whole goddamned system of
entrails came pouring out of his ass along with the fish, then yeah, but no.
Oh, and that’s the same character who several times fucks the “out water nozzle”
because it’s “Insanely wet”. Just another reason to suspect that the writers
are a bunch of fifteen-year-old geezers too clueless and in need of a wank for
their own good…. But the final piece of evidence to prove this…

Piranha hiding in woman’s vagina, and biting her
boyfriends dick! Come on, are they even remotely familiar with the female
anatomy? I guess this is what you get when a bunch of “blokes” sit down to write a
script and obviously don’t have a clue about how it works at all. I can get
behind a lot of crazy shit for the name of genre, but a mutant monster fish
hiding, and growing, inside a chick’s vagina and she’s not supposed to feel
that it is up inside of her isn’t one of them.

The total lack of “tongue in cheek”, tease and play with
genre conventions that the first film had. Whatever you may have thought of
Alexandre Aja’sPiranha3D back in 2010, it at least had fun and toyed with the
whole premise of chicks in bathing suits and female objectification, almost
ironizing and mocking what sadly has become a genre convention. Just tossing a
shitload of big-titted women and voyeuristic crotch shots on screen, is just a
load of bullshit, and you know what, so is the seriously misogynistic
“Cooch-Cam”. Before you shout hypocrite, just let me point out that there’s a
difference in nudity in seventies exploitation and something deliberately made
with in the system by a company once owned by Disney.

So now I guess we all know that the DD in Piranha 3DD really
stands for Dumb-Dumb.