My Mom died this past weekend after her summer-long encounter with cancer. Death is always a big reminder to live. To enjoy your precious, ordinary life.

I don’t want you to get to the end of your life and realize you were never satisfied with yourself or your life. In your quest to better your life that you never felt the peace of the moment. I don’t want you to constantly compare yourself to others. I don’t want you to strive for that extraordinary life while ignoring the beauties you have now.

Allow yourself to be content sometimes.

Being content does not mean you aren’t trying to be better, but that you realize it’s a journey and you can say now, “You are enough.” “My life is enough.”

I want you to see the flowers and sunset, allowing them to fill you with joy. I want you to express your love for those around you, letting go of petty arguments. I want you to enjoy your food, instead of always counting the calories.

Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t allow them to haunt you for years. Forgive others. Love the stranger and the friend as well as you can.

Who do you want to be? Concentrate on that more than the actions. Your to do’s will come from who you want to be.

Be Straight

When I was first married I communicated mainly by hinting. Yes, that was frustrating. Especially when communicating with the male species, hinting is not optimal. “It’s hot in here,” doesn’t necessarily mean someone is going to turn on a fan. “Could you please turn on the fan for me?” works much better. Even if they say no, then you can get up and turn on the fan instead of waiting for someone to get the hint.

Don’t think, “If they loved me, they would just know what I want.” That’s a lovely sentiment but not based in reality. Someone may not be able to read your mind but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Experiment with assuming they love you and try asking for what you want. You may be pleasantly surprised.

If you want to cancel something, cancel it without being wishy-washy. I much prefer people that say, “I think I am ready to go on my own without coaching,” then people that just stop paying and showing up for calls. The second way wastes my time and energy. The first lets us create a plan for them to start being accountable to themselves and we can get complete.

If someone asks you to do something you don’t want to, but you say yes anyway, you become resentful. This does not make for a good relationship. Be honest. Most people prefer you being honest with them because a lot of people aren’t. People are tired of games and having to guess what people really think. Be real and you get real relationships.

There is no reason you can’t be honest and kind. You can practice tact. Each person responds differently so you may need different approaches. “This sounds like a wonderful program. And I have hit my maximum projects right now. I wish you the best with this.” “I have appreciated working with you. And I have decided to go with someone (closer, more available in my time frame). I will be on the look out for people that are your perfect fit so I can refer them to you.” “Since I value our marriage so much, I need to let you know that I need a few hours to myself every week because I am feeling frazzled. How can we work that out?”

Don’t assume you know what other people are thinking. If you are unsure, ask them. If you didn’t understand their question, ask them. Let people know it is safe for them to be honest and straight with you as well. (That means no flying off the handle, acting like a martyr or giving the silent treatment.)

Be Clear

This requires you to know exactly what you want before you can convey it to someone else. Before you talk/call/email stop for a second to see what you need from this exchange or what you want to communicate. Then say or write it with the fewest words possible that still show the meaning.

Often people start talking or writing something, but they go into tangents until the real message is obscured.

Usually it’s best to keep to one action request per email, but if there is more then make sure you number the action requests.

Put the action in the subject line:

To Approve: Newsletter for Thursday

To Review and Sign off on by Friday: Acme Project Plan

RSVP: Daniel’s Graduation Party June 18

Have Betty pick out birthday dinner for upcoming visit

Need Marie’s phone number

FYI Only: July 2 Knitting Group notes

Before sending an email, quick re-read it to make sure it is clear and straight. Ask yourself if the person would have more questions after reading it. A few seconds of re-reading can save many back and forth emails.

If it’s something that requires a lot of back and forth a call or instant message is better than email.

Think before diving into communication so you can be as clear, straight and effective as possible.

Somehow last week a bunch of client projects happened at once. I was working long hours. The first day of this I didn’t take my breaks, I worked fast and was annoyed most of the day. I ended my work with a migraine.

So the rest of the week I reminded myself to work with love. These weren’t just tasks I was doing. Someone on the other end was going to be helped by them. I thought about the pressures clients were putting on themselves to make things urgent which brought out feelings of empathy. I radiated love as I did support emails. I prayed before each call and project.

I also sent love to myself. I took my breaks. I ate lunch at the kitchen table not my desk. And I gave myself compassion when feelings of overwhelm arose.

I was even more productive, had a ton more energy and my migraines went away.

When you see your week ahead, where can you work with love? What would that mean to you?

Everyone right now is telling you how to do your holidays. What you should do. What you shouldn’t do.

I posted on Facebook, “Black Friday judging is annoying. I don’t do Black Friday because I am an introvert. But, I know many people that love to go with friends and family bargain shopping. So whether you are staying in, going shopping, working or getting outside – enjoy your Friday!”

You can do whatever you and your family want. My uncle’s family does an Indian Buffet for Christmas dinner. I told that to an acquaintance of mine who said, “Oh I could never do that! Everyone wants the homemade meal at home.”

Some families want to buy for everyone as showing love. Others like to pick names and concentrate on one person or family.

So find out what is important to you and what is important to your family? Please ask. Don’t assume. I found out no one cared about the Christmas tree that the cat always tried to chew the lights. We haven’t put one up in years. But, looking at lights is important. The Christmas eve church service and reading the Bible story is meaningful to me.

What part of the holiday annoys you? Does anyone else care much about it? See if you can let go of the annoying parts. Or have the person that really needs it, do it. My artsy daughter took over most of the decorating. (Letting go of control is good practice!)

If not, find a way to make it easier or more fun. Decorate only the living room. Send half the cards now, half at New Year’s. Buy online. Bake cookies with friends and family instead of alone. Wrap presents to your favorite music. And no, it doesn’t have to be Christmas music. Order Chinese. Pay for a hotel.

How about we stop judging others for how they celebrate and not let other’s judgments affect our own holiday? How would you celebrate differently if you concentrated on loving instead of trying to gain love and approval?

We have a tendency to look at ways we are powerless. We feel like we have no power in situations, bad habits, relationships, time commitments, or work.

In reality we have choices in all these places.

We also all have great power to affect other people. We’ve all seen the harried, rude person yelling at the cashier. She probably felt frazzled and powerless, but in that moment she had the power to bring light to that situation or darkness. She could have made someone’s day brighter instead of using her power to bring negativity.

I love the picture I saw of a man getting a group to sing as they waited extra long for a train.

If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy can be true. One person’s negativity can affect all the people in the family or work space. As can one person’s radiance.

This is one reason simpler living is important. The more hurried and stress a person is, the harder it is to consciously be the light.

The wetlands called to me this morning at 6:30am. I pulled up to the bass of the frogs and the brass of the birds.

The air and grass were still damp with morning dew while a breeze made the temperature perfect.

I am greeting by my blue heron and smile. The swans with their cygnets are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they are learning to fly.

As I am trying to let my daughter do. She will be 21 in less than 2 weeks and is in her own place with five roommates. It’s so hard to let go, especially when you’ve already lost a child who was on the verge of flying himself.

Not one part of me wants to let go. She doesn’t want me to say, “I’m proud of you,” anymore. When she got her wisdom teeth removed she recovered back at her apartment instead of our couch. Our nightly chats are now a few minutes on Facebook every few days.

Thankfully she still wants to go to the farmer’s market, plays, walks at the wetlands and even requested to go on the writer’s retreat with me.

I am not letting go of her. I am letting go of how I’ve been mothering. A new stage. So she can fly.

I had someone ask, "What can I do when my spouse can’t stand any mess or clutter. How can we change their perspective?"

Some of us don’t get as distraught over mess. My husband is a quality tech at a car plant. He has an eye for every single thing that gets out of place. Good for his job. Hard on me.

Before we try to get them to change their perspective, we need to see where they are coming from. Certain people get anxious or frustrated over disorder. They aren’t trying to be annoying. They really are bugged.

It helps to ask questions.

What does clutter or disorder mean to you?

In what ways does it make you anxious?

What are you willing to let go of being picky about for now?

What’s most important for you to have clean or organized in a home?

This gives you negotiating room. If dirty dishes are really high on your spouse’s annoyance list, make sure those get priority. Things like the toilet paper being on the roll the wrong way he might be willing to let go. Or fix himself.

Take care of the big hot spots that drive him nuts. Then have him tell you what he can let go of or what he is willing to do. If I don’t get to dishes or laundry within my husband’s time standards, he’ll often do them himself.

Keeping a perfect house is not on my agenda. If it’s not on yours, then it’s time for a compromise talk.

Ferguson has been causing a heaviness in my soul. You see for those of you who don’t know, my own 18 year-old son was murdered in 2011. I was angry too – at the cruelty of humans, at a media that doesn’t fact check and harasses grieving families, at lying girls, at drugs that keep parents from watching their children.

And at the same time, the last thing I wanted to do was pour more anger into the world. I talked and got to know so many people during these past few years. I have heard stories of other people’s losses, fears and angers. I have learned that all people are dealing with something. I knew this in my head, but now I truly understand it in my being.

Now I know I need to be as kind as I can. Everyone I meet has dealt or is dealing with loss, failure, regret, loneliness, fear, and sadness. The women in the checkout line going so slow may be in a brain fog after another round of chemo. The menacing teenager that glares at you may be feeling abandoned as his dad has moved across the country.

We don’t want to see other’s pain because then we might have to deal with their darkness. We also might notice our own. What if we don’t know what to say? What if they start to cry? What if we start to cry? The whole thing might get…uncomfortable.

We don’t need to fix. We only need be there in their hurt and pain. It probably will be uncomfortable. it will also bring you closer.

We put up barriers between ourselves and others all the time. What if we didn’t assume someone was judging us by our skin color, weight or income? When we assume we are judging them. What if we didn’t allow our own biases to color our interactions? What if we asked how someone was doing and really wanted to know? What if when asked how we were doing, we answered honestly?

It is in our kind, honest interactions with others that healing connection happens. On a personal level. And societies as a whole.

When Jon died, I was given a collection of Ben’s Bells that say, “Be Kind”. I hang them as a reminder, have one outside my entryway door and have given them to others. Many of us also did an act of kindness for each year of Jon’s birth plus one extra. Out of tragedy, kindness sprung.

I will always remember the outpouring of love for my family from others and still have my prayer shawl, angels, candles, jewelry and plaques. (Though the food is long gone)

Just this past Sunday part of the youth group from my church brought baked goods and wanted to let us know they continued to pray for our family. They didn’t know how they would be received. They were probably uncomfortable. They didn’t know if they were going to bring up bad memories. But they followed love and I was deeply moved.

When we look at Ferguson, or Syria, or Iraq and see all the hate and division we feel so helpless. But, we can all be kind today.