(Closed) Emotional day

Okay bees, I’m not new just undercover with no one to talk to who aren’t so judemental. This is probably going to be long since I’m really upset and tend to ramble, so let me apologize now.

Anyways my husband and I have been married since July, so not even a year, and he is emotionally abusive. He makes me feel like I will never be good enough for him. He tells me he’s not attracted to me then will say its a joke, has said I’m bad in bed, and has posted porn sites on facebook for all of my christian family members to see, which in turn embarasses me even more than it does that he watches porn.

Now I know I’m not a perfect girl, my breasts are small and largely uneven and I have horribly crooked teeth, and I’m super skinny so I have no curves what so ever, but it still makes me so upset to know that even though he loves me he prefers other girls to me. I do have braces now and will be getting reconstructive surgery later in the year, but now I don’t even want it because I feel like I still won’t be good enough for him. What’s the point of making myself feel better about myself if he’s just going to knock me down?

At the end of March he asked for an open marriage until he came home from deployment in August. Just 2 weeks before he came home on leave. I was against it and he said he knew I was sleeping around on him with a guy friend since he’s been gone, not true by the way, and it would just be easier so neither one of us will be lonely anymore.

My guy friend is my ONLY friend. My husband made me quit my job, said it was his job to support me, and all my friends and co-workers quit talking to me because of it. This guy friend is the only person who hasn’t made me feel worthless in my life at all. So yeah I find it hard to stop being friends with the only positive person in my life, but I did it anyways to prove to my husband that there was nothing going on between us and I have been 100% faithful. He asked again a few weeks ago if he could find some girl to mess around with for the next 2 months.

After hearing all this stuff about feeling down about myself for months on end, he finally comes home on leave and nothing has changed. He was still emotionally hurtful, I distanced myself from him and he wanted to leave me twice becuase I don’t respond sexually anymore. Well yeah he’s said some pretty awful things and that hasn’t made me want to sleep with him, he’s had to forced me into it before giving up and wanting to end our marriage.

I don’t know what to do bees, and I’m all over the place with this. We talked about things and he said he really did love me and wanted to be with me, that i was perfect for him just the way I am. He would give up on the open marriage and stop with the porn, he promised. ANd for a week or two things were fine, then we had this huge fight a few days ago about lending my parents money and he hasn’t talked to me since then. This morning I wake up and saw that he started posting porn stuff on facebook again.

I just want to give up, I’m tired of always being torn down, of him never telling me he loves me, or making me feel like all this pain I’m feeling is even worth it that things will work out in the end. I’m at such at loss.

oh my god I’m so sorry 🙁 have you thought about couples’ therapy? it sounds like you two really need to talk about this and open up and make sure that you’re each aware of your mistakes, especially HIM.

@weightless: OP, I am SO SO SO SORRY that you are feeling this way! He has absolutely no right to treat you this way, and shaming you in front of your family on FB like that is just disgusting.

I do agree with PP that you need to think about couples counseeling, but more than that I also think you need counselling for YOU. NO ONE has the right to make you feel the way he has, and you are worth so much more than that. Please don’t let him make you believe anything else.

I also think you need to ignore his demands, and stay friends with this guy, because it sounds like he is a positive influence in your life, and you both need an ddeserve that. Also, if you miss working, you should go back. What does he expect you to do all day: he’s not even in the country!

Your husband is not respecting you or your marriage: you do not have to cowtail to any of his demands.

Wow, I am so sorry. No one should ever make you feel bad about yourself, and it sounds like he breaks you down a lot more than he builds you up. He does things that he knows will upset you (posting about porn on facebook or asking for an open marriage), and when you ask him to stop, he doesn’t, or does so only for a short while. It’s hurtful, and it’s definitely not what a loving relationship should be like!

Don’t talk down about your appearance. I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman – inside and out! I just got my braces off a few months ago, so I know how you feel about that, but your husband shouldn’t be making disparaging comments or anything about it. Don’t have surgery to fix your relationship; I’m not sure what your motivation is for that, but if it’s not medically necessary, it may not be worth it (unless it’s for YOU, in which case, go for it).

No one can tell you what to do. But what do you want? Was he like this before you got married? Has he gone through anything traumatic (like being in a combat zone) that could have caused TBI or PTSD or some other mental and/or physical condition?

I agree with a PP about getting couples counseling, but it also sounds like he needs some individual therapy as well.

I usually would never tell a poster to ‘leave’, but in your case, I think it would be healthiest. He IS emotionally abusing you, and has now formed a patterned behavior. Does it, says he will change, does it again…the pattern, sadly, will not end unless HE seeks proper treatment.

What saddens me most is the way you described yourself. For you to say there may be SOME validity to what he says means that you are so beaten down at the moment. You are beautiful, and you deserve someone who is going to appreciate your beauty – inside and out, who will respect you, who will respect your family, who will be an equal in a marriage. NOT some power trip pig whom asks if HE can have an open marriage, bc you do not ‘put out’ bc he is not attracted to you.

I hope this does not come across as mean. I am so angry for you, and so sorry that you are dealing with this. As a PP stated, please seek help for yourself. You owe it to yourself, NOT HIM, to feel strong and confident once more.

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN! This is a completely unhealthy and abusive relationship. He made you quit your job?! I can’t BELIEVE someone who supposedly loves you would make you feel like such crap about yourself.

I am sorry sweetie. I am not one to be ok with divorce. I always say that people now a days give up to easy on their marriage but in your situation, I would say leave. There is no way this man loves you. Love is good and kind, love is sweet and supportive. You need to leave before it gets worse and he starts forming to other sorts of abuse. As a woman who was verbally abused, they dont change.

Please go to see a thereapist to help you move forward. I am here to talk, you can inbox me any time. I am really sorry again! I will pray for you.