Mike Sandrolini: Nearly 2 months of holiday music 24/7? Bah, humbug

Thursday

Nov 29, 2007 at 12:01 AMNov 29, 2007 at 8:08 PM

A Chicago-area FM station dubbed The Lite (93.9 FM) airs soft rock and mushy love ballads the first 10 months of the year. The the station switches over to holiday music for the final two months of the year. Pass the eggnog ... and make mine a strong one.

I felt bad for Charlie — always the favorite whipping boy of the Peanuts gang in general, and Lucy in particular because they perceived him as being the poster boy for Murphy’s Law.

If you remember the episode, Charlie Brown caught an earful from Peanuts central command after bypassing a lot full of robust Christmas trees and picking the one with four needles on it to use as a prop in the school play.

However, for all his perceived shortcomings, Charlie had a knack for calling a spade a spade. He hit the nail on the head when he lamented to his pal, Linus, about Christmas being too commercialized.

A few decades later, who would have ever thought that the ramblings of a blockhead named Charlie Brown would turn out to be so prophetic.

Back in the day, big retail outlets and mom-and-pop neighborhood stores held off until the Friday after Thanksgiving — the traditional kickoff of the holiday shopping season — to deck their halls with Yuletide artifacts.

Now, we’re lucky we can catch a sugar buzz from our Halloween candy and close the coffin on Dracula, Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers for another year before Santa and his minions take over the mall Nov. 1.

(Note to the producers of AMC MonsterFest: Try a more diverse lineup next year. Enough already with “Halloween” and its seven predictable sequels.)

And if you think you can run to your vehicle and plan a getaway from holiday overkill, think again. Believe me I’ve tried. Not even the airwaves are safe anymore.

A Chicago-area FM station dubbed The Lite (93.9 FM) airs soft rock and mushy love ballads the first 10 months of the year. The station took Whoopi Goldberg, its 5-9 a.m. morning host, off the air in October, but still airs a woman known by one name: Delilah — the self-proclaimed syndicated “queen of sappy love songs” who takes calls in the evening from listeners with relationship problems, and spins touchy-feely tunes that pertain to the caller’s situation. (Think Dr. Phil meets Air Supply.)

But I digress. What does The Lite play most of the last two months of the year, you ask?

Well, the station throws you a bone once in a while by playing Uncle Kracker, Seal, Babyface and Billy Ocean. But it’s pretty much a hodgepodge of holiday music 24/7.

This marathon session has been going on since Nov. 2, or approximately three weeks before the day after Thanksgiving.

Last year, The Lite — oops, my bad, Santa: The station calls itself The Holiday Lite these days — also unleashed Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen on us Nov. 2.

Pass the eggnog ... and make mine a strong one.

Somewhere, Whoopi Goldberg has to be whoop-ing it up. I certainly would be.

Imagine having to sit through four hours each day spinning songs such as The Carpenters’ “Merry Christmas Darling” and “Last Christmas” by Wham! (Yep ... that’s George Michael’s old band. ’Fess up, ladies: You had a Choose Life T-shirt in your closet back in the 1980s.)

I don’t think I’d last 10 minutes before I’d be following those seven lords-a-leaping right out the door.

Clear Channel Communications, which owns WLIT, should be on Whoopi’s Christmas card list. They did her a favor.

As a public service, I forced myself to listen to The Holiday Lite at various intervals one day — 10-15 minutes in the morning, late in the afternoon and later in the evening.
Why? So you don’t have to.

And as God (and my Chia Pet) is my witness, I heard each of the following each time I tuned in: “Silver Bells” by Anne Murray, “Frosty the Snowman” by the Ronettes, Barbara Streisand’s rendition of “Jingle Bells” and of course, Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song.”

For the record, I’m not a descendent of Ebenezer Scooge. I like Christmas, and don’t mind listening to all of the above (again, save for “Jingle Bell Rock”) a few days before Dec. 25.

If, however, my resistance to holiday tunes on the dial nonstop since the day after All Saints Day makes me the Grinch’s stepchild, so be it. The view overlooking Whoville is breathtaking this time of year.

But I’m sure marketing types at The Holiday Lite have done their homework, and can present survey after survey to prove there are enough folks full of ’tis-the-season giddiness who can’t wait to hear the same Burl Ives, Mannheim Steamroller and Elmo and Patsy tunes five times every day.

So since I can’t stop Christmas music from coming (if I may paraphrase the Grinch), I’m going to beat The Holiday Lite at its own game.

Next year, I plan to launch my own station: The Holiday Laugh — K-NOG — a week before Halloween.

I’ll put these tunes — “Osama Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” “Teddy (Kennedy) the Red-Nosed Senator,” “I Came Upon a Road Kill Deer,” “Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire,” “Wreck the Malls” and my favorite: “Jingle Hells Bells” — up against The Holiday Lite’s lineup any day.

I’ll guarantee listeners a more upbeat Yuletide discography than my competitor’s worn-out oldies. And I’ll guarantee potential advertisers that K-NOG will be No. 1 in the Arbitron ratings around the Chicago area at the end of 2008.

And one more pledge: Every hour on the hour, K-NOG will play one of my holiday favorites: “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.”

Why Dr. Seuss and Thurl Ravenscroft (who sang this classic) have never been nominated for a Grammy, I’ll never know.

I expect a lump of coal in my stocking and visits from the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. But as CEO and CFO of K-NOG I’ll be laughing ... all the way to the bank.

Mike Sandrolini is an editor for Suburban Life Publications and just a fantastic guy to be around during the holidays (and most other times as a matter of fact). He can be reached at msandrolini@mysuburbanlife.com

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