Thursday, September 18, 2014

Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems.

Epictetus

My anxiety has been high lately. Panicky, short on patience, white-knuckle grip on life, anxious. And who wants to live that way? Not me. So while I know anxiety is something I'll have to manage for the rest of my life, I have a tried and true arsenal for fighting adrenaline takeovers.

The problem is, I'm typically too slow to act. Instead of nipping it in the bud early on, I'm now attempting to mitigate a full-fledged attack. When will I ever learn? Will I always be my own worst enemy? Are we all our own worst enemies?

I'm going to be honest: having Kiddo start high school was like a punch in the stomach. Which makes it the most likely catalyst for this current state of affairs I find myself in. I worried for weeks that we hadn't prepared him for the changes. For the most part, he's adjusted really well, but the hefty windup I gave myself + typical teenager-isms leave me feeling sweaty and panicked most days.

Add to that the fact that my carefully constructed plan for getting into my chosen PA program have been turned upside down. I've been so singularly focused for the last 5 years that I didn't anticipate a series of obstacles. Then Plan A went bust. And now I'm at Plan B. I'm hoping Plan C won't be necessary... because I don't have one.

Then there's a dog that won't stop barking at the fix-it man and a leaky washer and a lack of dinner plans and everything starts to feel so BIG. Even the little things. Lickety-split and I'm snipping at Kiddo and terrorizing my way-too-patient husband and saying things I'll regret later. (Typically it's nothing too terrible, but with anxiety comes the inevitable guilt hangover... as if being anxious in the first place isn't enough. Geez.)

Thankfully, with each period of my life that triggers such things, I become more adept at tempering it. It's funny, because despite my best efforts to just power through and ignore what is so clearly sticking in my craw, my body is aching for me to deal with it. Case in point: waking up at 6a last Saturday morning with an overwhelming urge to run. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just run. That is quite outside the norm.

This morning, I called a new CrossFit box to set up an initial session. By this time next week, I should be back to box jumps and power cleans and wall balls (for the love of all things holy, please, please go easy on the wall balls).

Today, I'm signing up for a class at the local community college (three cheers for low tuition!). It's just a 100-level nutrition course, so it won't cause more stress (ahem, I'm talking to you, Biochem), but it will put me squarely in the position to successfully achieve Plan B. [I realize I'm being vague about all this Plan stuff. But do you really want to know? I've wondered. I've also contemplated starting a second blog just to discuss education/career things. (So that other people in my position have a place to go instead of being left flapping in the breeze like I have.) But another blog sounds like an undertaking. So maybe I'll just write a post about my educational journey from time to time while understanding it's a niche subject and many of my usual readers will tune out. Though maybe not. I like hearing about people's chosen careers and how they snagged them. We'll see.]

I'm also (casually) on the job hunt. The goal is to fill my days, make a bit of dough, and meet people. (Though I'm not opposed to challenging myself. I just don't want to create undo stress by taking on a job that won't allow me to be around for drop-off and pick-up.) Even if it only covers my student loan payments, I'll be happy. In true Husband, superhero and all-around stellar guy fashion, I got a Just do what makes you happy, Honey. Even if that means crafting, CrossFit and blogging.

I must have stockpiled some seriously good karma to snag that dude.

And so, that is that. Too heavy? Too real? Like, real real? We all have our crosses to bear, and this is mine. If you, too, have anxiety, I'm sorry. It sucks. Like sucks sucks. But I've learned that I'm not without recourse should I choose to pull my head out of the proverbial sand and do something about it. To cope rather than suffer (and make those around me miserable).

1 comment:

oh sweet girl......it's ok. Ok to feel a lil (or a lot) weirded out right now after picking up your whole life and hauling it across the country to the unknown. If you weren't freaking out a bit, that, in itself, would be a lil weird. Just ride the waves.....take ONE day at a time. When you put your head on the pillow at night, take a deep breath and tell yourself....Whew, I made it thru today. And don't allow yourself to think about tomorrow till it gets here. Promise that if you don't let indecision overwhelm you, you'll be able to deal so much easier.The high school thing? You have every dingle dangle right to be crazy about that. That's one of the big milestones in his life....and yours!I would love to hear about your plans. Always love to learn from others thru their experiences....helps me make some of the decisions I have to make!!!