So, a few weeks ago I went with some friends to Houston’s annual Nutcracker Market. A place filled with food, crap to buy, crap to eat, and lots of people to make fun of. I love it. This year at the market, my friend Anne decided to purchase a sweater/jacket even though when she modeled it for me I told her I hated it. The jacket was cute and all, but in addition to a furry collar that I didn’t like, it had two strings from which dangled two furry balls. And aside from the fact that furry balls really aren’t super sexy, they landed in a spot that I just didn’t think was very attractive…

This is my friend, Anne. This is a very artistic interpretation of what she looked like in the ball sweater. And yes, they dangled right there where real furry balls dangle. If you were a dude. And you walked around in crotchless pants. And were in major need of a ball wax.

Well, in a supreme act of defiance, Anne bought the sweater anyway, but made me a promise that she would castrate the furry balls. Since she obviously doesn’t care about me and my feelings, I didn’t have a giant amount of confidence in her promise, so I told her that I would need the furry balls as proof that she had followed through. A week later, I had the balls in my possession. And oh what a time we have had! I realized that in addition to dangling from a sweater and making a cute woman look like she’s undergoing a sex change, furry balls have lots of uses. Here are a few of the non-xxx ones:

Ear Muffs For Cats————-Play Toys For Cats ———Hair Ball/Barf For Cats

Because nothing is more fun that chasing your annoying cat around the house and forcing her to pose for photos with furry balls.

Old School Sock Balls————–Furry Decorations For ShoesFlashback to the 80’s. A time when sock manufacturers actually gave a damn about us and our sliding down ankle socks. These balls keep them up, and make your heels look sexy.

Frolicking Finger MonkeyWhen your husband doesn’t understand your absolute NEED for a Finger Monkey, what do you do? Well, you use your friend’s castrated cardigan balls to make yourself a surrogate Finger Monkey to carry around and talk to in the hopes that your husband will decide that he’d rather you have a real live, breathing monkey instead of having to deal with the embarrassment of you going all over town talking to two furry balls taped around your finger.

Bath Puff For BabyBecause everyone knows that nothing gets a newborn cleaner than a bath puff made out of a dead animal’s fur.

Wine Bottle StopperNot that I ever have wine left in the bottle once I’ve opened it. But if I ever did, I’d totally protect it with a giant hairy ball.

Funky Pen Topper For Mount Stachemore PenLike a water-filled pen with Mt. Rushmore and a floating mustache isn’t sassy enough? Go balls to the wall and add an animal fur afro into the mix.

Spaghetti And Furry BallsUnfortunately, the purchaser of the Furry Ball sweater came up with this before my brain even got to foods. She may purchase sweaters with crotch balls, but she’s got some ingenious ideas.

Furry Make-up PuffFinally an excuse to rub animal balls all over your face.

Big-Ass Furry SpiderFirst, you make a giant and disgusting spider with which to scare your child. Then you have it attack your baby just for kicks. Because it’s late, your husband’s out of town, you had a bit of wine, and were bored.

Dead BirdieStep 1: Place dead animal fur bird on sidewalkStep 2: Tell your child to come out and see what his cat didStep 3: Give your child ice cream to make up for lying to them and totally freaking them out.

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