……Oh sweet zombie Jeblon, I feel awful! I finally got hit with that nasty H1N1 (the HONE-NONE) or Swine Flu. I avoided it as long as possible, until Horatio came around with a bucket full of it and drenched everyone in pure pig snot. He said T-Ray wanted to get everyone infected at once, so our chances of developing a vaccine from our weekly blood donations would go way up. I didn’t even realize they were taking our blood, but I guess that explains the prick I feel when I go to the bathroom.

Lord! I swear, things are coming out of me like you wouldn’t believe, so let’s get you Scienced before my poor pores start drooling again.

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TEXTING – THE VIBRATING KILLER: A new study on the dangers of texting while driving confirmed that when you don’t have your hands on the wheel or your eyes on the road and are in fact totally oblivious to the world around you, you’re an idiot. Oh yes, as a parent, I know teens are going to want to qwerty to their friends no matter what, which is why I insist on them using our brain-computer hook up in the car, so they can Tweet hands free. It’s not the best solution, since they often black out from the strain of concentrating, but I’m a firm believer that the cops will treat your corpse with more respect if they find your hands at 10 and 2.

……(Incidentally, you can follow Stuff You Need on Twitter too, at http://twitter.com/StuffYouNeed , where all the social marketers on the planet are converging into a Twingularity)

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80085: For some reason, the ACLU is going kooky over the government granting patents on breast cancer genes. I don’t see what the fuss is all about: what could go wrong with giant, innocently named corporations owning the rights to the very building blocks of life? At worst, they might aerosolize cancer, but that would just put this Swine Flu in perspective, no?

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ONCE YOU GO BLACK… : You can bet our ears perked up this past week when we saw that the Pentagon’s budget for Secretly Clandestine BlackOps went past the magical $50 Billion mark. Phasers, weaponized drone bees, satellites that can Photoshop you into embarrassing situations with your neighbors from miles up – oh yes, its all in there. But Stuff You Need, ever the voice of reason, has to ask: where’s the love? Sure, you can build all kinds of fun gadgets and DARPA can make all of Oklahoma’s hair green on alternate Thursdays, but is $50 Billion going to hollow out the Moon and make it Earth’s personal Death Star to conquer the galaxy?

……No. It’s not. And that’s a shame that I don’t think will sit well with the American people.

……It’s high time for all the red blooded Americans of this great land to rise up and shout:

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We’re tired of paying all these taxes without something really cool to show for it!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We demand that planet America be ready to plunder Pluto’s pulchritudinous pesos!

“There is nothing so good that BACON won’t make it better.” – old Porcine Proverb

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One thing we don’t lack for around here at Stuff You Need is competition. Our various departments are always trying to outdo each other with new products, better service or faster surface-to-air ratios. Well, the boys in our Inedible Food labs have for too long been the Boston butt of the Foodie lab’s jokes, but now those days are over…

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Yes, our R&D pork fanatics have cracked the bacon atom, releasing deliciously fatty neutron bombs, and they are aiming them at some of the long most hated flavors in our world. First up: cough syrup.

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That’s right, no more treacly grape or searing cherry death: you’re moving right into flavor country with SWINETUSSIN:

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Whether you’re hacking up a lung or the phlegm is phlowing phreely, you want to make sure you enjoy every moment of the medicine you’re going to be taking. That’s why our top men have been sweating over this one – they’ve combined the finest smoky flavors with giant dobs of crisp fat to create a cough suppressant that puts most Bar-B-Que to shame. Why, it’s so rich and thick, you can even pour it over your kids’ pancakes to make doctor’s visits a thing of the past!

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So screw the spoonful of sugar and reach for the codeine that packs a real pig punch: SWINETUSSIN. It’s bacon for your lungs.