Monday, August 21, 2006

It just should not have to be this difficult.

I have about a million things swirling around in my head right now, and I can't even fucking arrange them into a paragraph here thanks to all the goddamned friggin' noise surrounding me at the moment. Yes, it's after midnight and noisy as all hell. Let's just add a little more fun to the happy-fest that is my life lately, shall we? FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

But as I was saying....

I'm just prefacing this in this manner so that when I start drifting off and not making any sense, you can realise that I'm not drunk or full of pills this time, I'm just distracted. And not just by what's outside of myself, either. A lot of it's internal.

As some of you might already know, I'm a recovering anorexic. Note how I didn't say 'recovered'. There IS no 'recovered'. Say what you will, but any claims that eating disorders can be reversed or gotten rid of are a load of crap. You can't reverse anorexia any more than you can reverse diabetes. But I digress. What I was getting at is that my weight, in the past couple of years, has gone from nearly 220 to under 85, THEN back up to around 170....and finally, after much work (both doctor approved and....ehh...not) and much needed surgery (NOT gastric bypass....female problems....some of you know these specifics as well, and those who don't, really don't need to) dropped back down to where it SHOULD be. Thanks to some resolved health issues, despite having ED's as well as some very UNresolvable physical problems, my metabolism is finally someplace in the range of normal for the first time in my adult life, and I'm actually more or less able to eat when I'm hungry and still maintain a low/normal weight without having to work out for 6 hours a day (don't laugh, I actually DID this for a couple of years). The sudden dropoff in my weight and the realisation that I can eat and live fairly normally and stay slim definitely did wonders for my eating disorder and my ability to keep it in check.

But then personal problems started to surface, as did some secondary health problems that had previously been overshadowed by larger ones. To make a long story short, over the last few weeks, I've been drinking like a fish, literally almost every fucking night, and while I'm sure as hell NOT drinking cosmos or anything else calorie-laden and froufrou, I HAVE been suffering from some pretty severe cases of the drunk munchies. And as is usually the case when people, particularly WOMEN of a certain AGE, eat onion rings and french fries as post-midnight snacks more than a few times in the span of two weeks, I gained a couple of pounds. Sure, if this had happened a year ago, it wouldn't've been so much 4 or 5lbs as 10 or 20 (really....you have NO IDEA how prone to weight gain I was before), but even still, this has been fucking devastating. While some of the problems that started the out-of-control drinking seem to be resolving themselves, I'm still nowhere near 'stable', and seeing that awful rise in numbers on the scale has pretty well pushed me back into a mental state I haven't been in since my weight was around 160 or so. And that's not all.

I am fed FUCKING up with people starting shit with me when I haven't done FECK ALL to them but leave them the hell alone. I am too goddamned old and sick and otherwise goddamned occupied to be bothered setting aside time to bullshit with people who are just starting drama to alleviate their own boredom. I am not going to waste time 'explaining' myself or my actions, or those of any of my friends, for that matter, to ANYONE just to shut them up and make them 'happy'. No, I'm just going to handle things like a GROWNUP for once in my fucking life and IGNORE them. Okay, so maybe not totally ignore them. But ranting about them here and not actually saying anything to them or even naming them is the next best thing, don't'cha think?

God, I could really go for a drink right now.

No. Shut up, ya fuckin' fat drunk. One week without booze. You can manage that. No booze till next weekend and no drama till....ehh....how about just no more drama? Wait a second, wasn't that a song....?

I told you my mind wanders. What the hell was I talking about again...?

I would like to take a moment to remind you that you are an incredible, beautiful woman whose intellect is above and beyond the majority of the folks of this planet.

That said, please try to remove the evil imp of that which is the voice in your head, telling you that you should freak out over a few pounds weight gain. I know that you can't - really - and that is a tiny worm that is so deeply ingrained that extraction is impossible.

Perhaps just try to tell it, when it rears its ugly little head and speaks, to FUCK OFF.

I thought you looked lovely many pounds ago and higher on the scale. You have simply given yourself a little room to play - and that is what you've done.

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