Local

MINEOLA, NY—Ashamed anew with each new thought that entered his consciousness, local man Paul Bridges reported Monday that he was filled with embarrassment about every opinion that he has ever articulated.

BEAVER DAM, WI—In an effort to justify the recent set of executive orders the president signed earlier this week to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, exhausted Trump supporter Phil Holt reportedly just decided Friday that massive cuts to healthcare subsidies were the reason he voted as he did.

In an astonishing coincidence of aligning personal interests, local 29-year-old Brad Holdtman reported last night that his 28-year-old blind date Pauline Geary is, just like him, a fan of the rock band the Beatles.

BOSTON—Deciding against putting out the money to hire a service, local man Dylan Curtis reportedly told friends Friday that he was probably just going to move apartments by renting a U-Haul and having a nervous breakdown.

NEW BERN, NC—Preparing it ahead of time in case the opportunity arose to seamlessly slip it in, local man Lawrence Mulcahy already had a whole sentence lined up for later in the conversation, sources confirmed Wednesday.

SPOKANE, WA—Claiming they had never seen anything like it before, the stunned family of local grandmother Doreen Weiss reportedly watched in disbelief Wednesday as she wolfed down a sandwich in 33 minutes.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat.

BOSTON—Saying he had no idea how someone like his supervisor got the job in the first place, local marketing strategist Michael Perkins told reporters Monday that he could run the company into the ground way better than his boss.

BELLEVUE, WA—Offering reassurance that it would all work out in the end like it did for them, dreary, passionless couple Evan and Jennifer Schar confirmed on Tuesday that your soulmate was definitely out there somewhere.

AUSTIN, TX—Saying he had the melodic flourish on hand the moment it was needed, local bassist Mark Handley of the band Sunshine Moon told reporters Friday that he has a little riff ready to go in case their frontman goes around introducing everyone.

DALLAS—Calling it his own personal blessing to the bride and groom, wedding caterer Isaac Bellacosa told reporters Wednesday that he likes to throw in a few extra potatoes for the reception dinner if it looks like the couple is genuinely in love.

LIVONIA, MI—Eliciting a chorus of mumbles and reluctant encouragement from the crowd, sources reported Thursday that a local little league team spent 18 minutes getting the ball back to their pitcher during a playoff game.

FEDERAL WAY, WA—Standing stock-still as he listened intently to what the device was telling him, local man Adam Kernan reportedly stared blankly at his family Thursday as his Amazon Echo whispered “without them, you could buy anything.”

COLUMBUS, OH—In light of the social media platform’s announcement that it was considering doubling its character limit to 280 per tweet, local Twitter user Rory Fegler told reporters Wednesday that he guesses he could muster up 140 more characters about the master race.

PROVIDENCE, RI—Realizing the depths of her mistake far too late, local woman Alicia Cohen quietly admitted to herself, “Twas hubris led me here,” as she sat naked on a public toilet with her romper around her ankles, sources said Wednesday.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.

WARWICK, RI—Saying it wished it had touched down to rest its wings somewhere a bit less visible, a local bird told reporters Tuesday that it wouldn’t have landed on a ledge had it known everyone would make it into a whole big thing.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.

OAK PARK, IL—Saying he hoped the revelation wouldn’t dampen their enthusiasm for the house, realtor Bill Cylkowski informed a couple of potential buyers Thursday that he was obligated to tell them about the murder currently happening in the basement.

MADISON, WI—Wheels kicking up dust as her car peeled out of the driveway, local grandmother Delores Hanson jumped into her 2005 Buick Lesabre for an emergency birdseed run, sources confirmed Wednesday.

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Calling the woman perfectly suited to bear the brunt of her pre-wedding psychosis, bride-to-be Emily Cervantes said on Thursday that she specifically picked her maid of honor Jessica Cross for her ability to take an emotional beating.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their oldest brother, Dennis, was setting the bar so low. “Dennis barely had the grades to get into the local state college and then took six years to graduate, so as long as I get in anywhere and don’t drop out, Mom and Dad should be completely fine with it,” said Eric, 15, whose sister confirmed how much they appreciate Dennis taking the pressure off them by living way out near the airport in a basement studio apartment he can only afford because their parents help with the rent. “And considering how he’s never in a relationship that lasts more than a few dates, Mom and Dad are going to be thrilled when I bring literally anyone home to meet them. Basically, all Theresa and I have to do is not be total fuckups and we’re golden.” Sources later reported that after receiving a text message from Dennis informing them he had been fired from his job at Walgreens, the two siblings immediately went downstairs to casually slip the information into a conversation with their parents.

More from this section

BELLEVUE, WA—Offering reassurance that it would all work out in the end like it did for them, dreary, passionless couple Evan and Jennifer Schar confirmed on Tuesday that your soulmate was definitely out there somewhere.

AUSTIN, TX—Saying he had the melodic flourish on hand the moment it was needed, local bassist Mark Handley of the band Sunshine Moon told reporters Friday that he has a little riff ready to go in case their frontman goes around introducing everyone.