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Salt Lake City, Utah – Donald Trump just recently visited Utah to sign a bill that would greatly reduce the size of Bears Ears and Escalante National Monuments. Trump’s long time friend Senator Orrin Hatch originally asked Trump if he would come to Utah and undo the bill that former President Obama signed, that expanded the size of the national monument. A quick flight on Airforce One and the stroke of a pen and Trump wiped out Obama’s Bill. He also met with LDS church leaders to discuss Welfare Square.

Trump- Meet The Mormons

There was more to Trumps visit than people know.
The Brine Shrimp received a video of Hatch and Trump discussing this. We also recieved emails communications between the two men. Something seemed fishy.

What the public doesn’t know is that a secret deal went down. Tump originally declined Hatch’s request to come to Utah, Orrin had to bribe him to get him here. What could possibly offer him? He has all the money in the world. Everything is within his reach. That’s where his Mr. Trumps hidden addiction was exploited by Hatch. Donald Trump loves Mormon tuna. He loves it, bigly! And Orrin knows it. You probably noticed Trumps strange behavior when he visited Welfare Square. He started acting weird around the tuna.

Donald Trump chomping down on Mormon Tuna

Hatch promised Donald that he would use his LDS connections to get Mr. Trump approved for church welfare. Once approved he could gain access to The Bishop’s Storehouse, where he could get endless Mormon Tuna.

Trump greatly exceeded the income limit for these services, but Hatch made it happen. He also pulled some strings to get Donald extra tuna on his food order. Trump plans on using tax payer dollars to make secret trips to Utah on Airforce One to pickup his weekly food order.

Hatch returned the favor to The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints by signing over some of the land to the church. Apparently, they believe a Stargate or a wormhole in the area that will take you to Planet Kolob.

Breaking News: A major storm system is brewing over The Great Salt Lake. Hurricane Moroni is a category 7 hurricane and it has been anticipated to wipe Magna, West Valley and Ogden, Utah off of the map.

Salt Lake City, Utah- Major concert announcement! The Mormon Tabernacle Choir With special guest Kerry King Of Slayer at the Salt Lake Tabernacle!
August 30th, 2017. Get your tickets now at Smith Tixx or purchase at the door.
Tickets are $37.50 in advance. $40.00 the day of the show. Don’t miss this once and a lifetime event!

Salt Lake City, Utah- New legislation just passed making it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on apricot trees. Next spring when the apricot trees are in full bloom. You would be able to call the beautiful flowers “Blossoms” anymore. Well, at least in Utah. You will have to refered the white blossoms as “Popcorn.” Denying it’s popcorn could land you 30 days in jail and result in you paying a huge fine. It will be considered a Class A Misdemeanor to deviate from the teachings of the LDS primary song “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree.”

A bit of history on the origin of this song. “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree” is an old LDS primary song written by Georgia W. Bello in 1924 and was added to the Mormon Children’s Songbook.

Credit: LDS Smile

Mr. Herbert takes these words seriously. So serious that he made denying it against the law.

“Popcorn does pop on the apricot trees, I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise! This is the most important thing I’ve signed into law. This will be my legacy!” Said, Governor Herbert.

Salt Lake City, Utah- Gary Herbert just approved a bill that would prevent Californians from moving to Utah. He blames California for Utah’s public health crisis, AKA “Porn.”

The wall be constructed at Bangerter Highway blocking all Cali Migrants from making it any further into the valley. There will be check points and anyone from California will have to provide a guest Visa or passport. They will also be asked if they have any porn to declare at the checkpoint.

“There is one designated zone Californians are welcome to live. Daybreak, we can pack em’ in tight there. We’ll stack em’ so high, they’ll be able to see their home state from their balcony.” Said, Herbert.

Herbert, added. “We will not tolerate these folks bringing any kind of porn into our great state either.”
Gary Herbert plans on making California pay for the wall. Governor Jerry Brown says “We’re not going paying for it!”

Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers is already writing a crappy 22 song album about the ordeal Entitled: “Leaving California.”
“The entire band is excited to have some new material for songs about California.” Said, Flea- Kiedis’s bassplayer, long time band mate and friend.

Thomas S. Monson of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, Said. The Church has reached out to Governor Herbert and he has agreed to take in California refugees that are members of the LDS faith.
Protesters have already begun to go out and show their opposition to Gary’s wall. The largest one lead by Madonna. Every time she’s not feeling relevant, she crawls outta the woodwork for some publicity.
“Utah keeps on pushing my love over the borderline.” Says Madonna.
Rockstar Bono showed up drunk at the Utah homeless shelter, not even sure what the hell he was protesting. He did a free concert for Utah’s homeless and most of them left.
Rodney Dechamp said “Man, we’re homeless. Being out on the street is bad enough without Bono f**king up our day with his horrible music. He’s just adding insult to injury. He’s an obnoxious drunk, and a pretentious a**hole. He needs to take his punk a** back to where the leprechauns roam. He’s really pissing in me lucky charms.”

The U2 frontman just probably just needed a tax write off so he did a so called “free” concert. Oh, wait! Bono doesn’t pay taxes.

We will keep you posted on this story as it develops. Check back for updates.

Pineview Reservoir, Utah- If you like to swim at Pineview Reservoir, Tiger Muskies biting your toes are the least of your problems. Bull sharks were illegally introduced into the freshwater lake, and they are thriving!

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Bull sharks are notorious for swimming out of the salty ocean and venturing out and venturing hundreds of miles up freshwater rivers. They can easily adapt to the change. With Pineviews unique ecosystem, the sharks evolved, adapted and are at the top of food chain.

The bad news is… There have been recent shark attacks and sharks are literally snapping Tiger Muskies in half.

Harry Manwood, a Bountiful man was one of the sharks latest victims.

“Swimming will be closed for the summer until we completely drain the reservoir and get rid of the sharks” Said, Red Peters of the DWR.

Anglers are allowed to catch as many as you want. But you must kill the invasive species.

Salt Lake City, Utah- The State of Utah has decided to ban fireworks this year due to extreme fire danger. Several fires have been started acrossed the state. Governor Gary Herbert has pulled the plug on this year’s fireworks celebrations. All private displays are illegal and people will be cited or arrested. There will be no exceptions. Snakes, popits, tanks and sparklers will be considered a felony, just as much as ariels, firecrackers, cherry bombs, m-80s, bottle rockets and Roman candles. The 4th of July is officially cancelled.

“If you want to have fun, you will have to go to another state to do it. Just like everything else” Said, Herbert

Salt Lake City, Utah- After the last state legislation session, Utah fears they are running out of things to make illegal. They continue to chisel away at alcohol, tobacco , marijuana, porn, sex, certain positions, gambling, music, dancing, too much shoulder in yearbook photos and anything remotely fun. Eventually, there will be nothing left.

The state is currently working on a new tax called “Fun Tax.” Not to be confused with “Sin Tax.” Utah’s new strategy will be to tax anything that they can’t make illegal and give you a ticket, felony, misdemeanor or minor infraction for.

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Gary Herbert in cooperation will Utah lawmakers will eventually make all Utah laws align with the Mormon Word of wisdom. The state will fully ban tobacco, coffee, tea, alcohol and all strong drinks. You will be required to use meat sparingly. All store purchases will be tracked by a unique identification number. Doesn’t matter if you’re using cash, credit or ebt. Using herbs use is highly encouraged, minus marijuana.

As Utah descends into the dark ages. Our state seems more and more like the town depicted in the 1980s movie ‘Footloose.’ Ironically, it was filmed in Utah.

“Come on down to Utah! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955!” Robin Williams