Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/7/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Steven Seagal Loves Putin and might become a Russian citizen because of Ukraine

Vlad, if you take him we’ll throw in Moldavia.

‘The Breakfast Club’ turns 30

The original cast is now almost old enough to make a sequel called ‘The Early Bird Dinner.’

Pope meets British Queen

No word if he was disappointed it was Elizabeth, not Elton John.

Kremlin confirms Putin’s divorce final

Sarah Palin: ‘I’m just happy I don’t have to listen to the fighting anymore from my front porch.’

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written and/or Produced for shows on FUSE, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO, XM/Sirius and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on Leno, Letterman, Conan, "Last Comic Standing," etc., Hobo Pancakes and Humor Times. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)