"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

Now that John Edwards is going to be accepting public financing for his campaign, that means all of us tax payers are now funding his campaign.

I'm for that. Because of his poor fundraising, Edwards would have to exit the race were it not for federal funds, and considering the popularity of Harvey's John Edwards Fabulous Facts, anything that keeps Edwards campaigning is a boon for IMAO (and thus all of America if not the world). I'm happy to have my money going towards the hilarious spectacle that is John Edwards.

The fact that these youths were predominantly baked out of their minds on primo Venezuelan green-bud probably had nothing to do with the results.

Still, I did some digging and discovered some of the less-publicized poll questions and their results:

23% hated John Edwards because he's beautiful.

45% wanted to have sex with Edwards, with a shockingly high 2% of those being women.

7% "naturally assumed" that Edwards's health care program would cover the cost of hair spray.

95% agreed with Edwards's position that pulling out is the best course of action in Iraq, although there's some suspicion that the majority of respondents may have stopped reading the question before they got to the "in Iraq" part.

33% first became fans of Edwards back during his days as host of "Crossing Over".

22% thought that John Edwards had already been elected President, meaning they were either BDS Democrats from the "stolen" 2004 election or DEEP into their baggie of green-bud.

Possibly both.

71% believed that Edwards isn't fooling anyone and might as well just come out of the freakin' closet already.

A plurality - 29% - chose as the phrase that best describes Edwards: "disturbingly baby-faced waterboy for the DNC Kool-Aid Brewer's Union".

"Candy-ass" came in a close second at 27%.

4% kept responding to questions with "nude Olsen twins" - they probably meant to type that in the browser window with Google Images open in it.

Another 4% (possibly the same 4%) kept responding with "my baggie's empty".

Keep in mind that this poll may not be representative or even accurate, since 100% of respondents also said that "having a MySpace page is cool"

I don't know much about the movie The Kingdom that comes out today other than it involves Americans looking for a terrorists in Saudi Arabia. That means its inevitably going to have some political content, and knowing the leanings of movie reviewers, the only way I'm going to like it is if they hate it.

Well, with 69 reviews so far, it has a 48% on Rotten Tomatoes (29% from Cream of the Crop -- read extra liberal). So far so good. So what are the blurbs of the negative reviews:

"Screenwriter Matthew Michael Carnahan wants us to know that there are good Arabs and bad Arabs, but he panders to our basest 9/11 anxieties."

So shameless is The Kingdom, ignoring consequence and treating its audience like cash-dispensing machines with buttons to be pushed rather than thinking individuals willing to consider the reality of America's entanglement with the Middle East.

Because everyone want to go to an action movie for a left-wing foreign policy lecture.

"If Frank Capra had ever made a Rambo movie, it would have looked like this."

How in the world is that a blurb for a negative review?

I left the theater completely uncertain about what the filmmakers intended to say about the orgiastic bloodshed they showed me. The Kingdom is an explosion of rage in search of a rationale.

That sounds like the description of every good action movie.

"This is fertile ground for an invigorating exploration of Saudi-American interaction, but the whole thing eventually devolves into a run-of-the-mill shoot 'em up."

Do these people even know what an action movie is? Did they come out of Die Hard complaining there wasn't enough of a dissection of corporate America?

"Where pic goes astray is in turning anonymous, indigenous peoples into ducks at a shooting gallery."

Is "indigenous peoples" a euphemism for for'ners?

"A high-budget episode of "The A Team" crossed with "24" and a sort of "CSI: Riyadh" until a few minutes at the end try to tack on some larger meaning. It just shows how thin the material in the rest of the film is by contrast."

Again, how does saying a movie is a cross between the The A Team, 24, and CSI constitute a negative review? Do they understand most people like those shows and hate liberal weenies?

To be cautious, let's look for danger signs in the positive reviews:

"The picture is made with a degree of care, and what's surprising about it is the way [director] Berg actually resists making rah-rah jingoistic proclamations instead of relying on them.

Because the last thing I want is to see a movie in which people are proud to be Americans.

"The Kingdom is the anti-Syriana: yes, it says, the Middle East is very, very complicated, but Americans have solved tougher problems, thanks very much."

I would have expected that to be the blurb for a negative review based on the others.

"A surprisingly nuanced exploration of the sincere desire held by many in this country to make the US the good guy around the globe -- the white knight superpower."

Aiieee! Nuance!

"The Kingdom is such a strong entertainment, such a substantial 'us vs. them' example of wish fulfillment that it's easy to ignore the many mixed messages."

He probably just projected mixed message in there so he could enjoy the fun explosions.

Anyway, my guess from reading the reviews is that you will very much enjoy this movie. Plus, it's got Jason Bateman from Arrested Development; how can you go wrong?

What's the story behind your name? K T is a pleasant, little tuxedo cat who has lived with me for years. I’m not one of those catbloggers who thinks cats can talk, but I can tell you that we are very close friends. When I started blogging, I decided I wanted an anonymous name and so I used hers. Now I use it for everything on line. She doesn’t seem to mind.

Where do you live? Sunny San Diego!

How old are you? My first vote was for President Reagan in 1980. It was glorious.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I’m a single dad who likes to work on cars, coach sports, suffer along with New Orleans Saints football and blog.

How long have you been reading IMAO? For years! I was bored one day and started checking out the blogroll on Scrappleface. I came across yours, something like four or five years ago, and got hooked. Thanks for the laughs, all of you.

[You're welcome! -Ed.]

What's your favorite IMAO post? Anything with the Rumsfeld Strangler. I got to brief Donald Rumsfeld once and he was a sharp and funny guy. There were reporters present and only a few of them ended up strangled. I got to give interviews to the remaining ones after he left.

[You're the coolest person ever! -Ed.]

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Buy Papal Indulgences. Really, Frank, we’re all going to need them. After what you’ve written? Better see if we can get a bulk rate. (Hint: violence, for the most part, is a sin. Funny, but still a sin.)

What's you favorite political issue? It’s not a political issue but a social one. As a single parent, I am trying to raise two children with about 60% of the money and 40% of the time as a married couple. I can’t do it as well as they can. Try doing anything with that much less time and money and see what you get. Roughly speaking, single parent households have $40,000 and 2000 labor hours less than two parent households, annually. The Democrats want to replace this with a $1000 raise for my kids’ teachers and the Republicans want to give me a $500 tax credit. I’m out $40,000 and 2000 labor hours and you think your proposals are going to make a difference?

What we need from our politicians is for them to say, “We’re not going to waste everyone else’s tax dollars on something we can’t do anything about. You’ve screwed yourselves and you need to take care of it on your own.” One of the reasons I like Fred so much is that he seems to get it. Every social pathology in the country correlates more strongly with single parent households than anything else and it’s not even close. It’s not a debatable statement, it’s a mathematical fact. If you want a smaller prison population, less crime, less poverty, more literacy and all the rest, the solution is your family, not politics.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I blog at The Scratching Post. I started blogging because I had time in strange increments and at odd hours and I couldn’t think of any other way to make a little cash. It’s been a total wash financially, but it’s been a lot of fun. The ‘Post is now my motivation for learning and discovering.

If you could grow to fifty times your normal size, what would you do with that power? That sounds horrid. I’d get a gastric bypass and quick. I’d probably be washing myself with a sponge on the end of a stick, too. What was that? It’s a super power? What kind of a super power is that? I’d see if I could trade it with Aquaman. Talking to fish would be more useful than crushing my house every time I wanted to check the mailbox. Could you imagine what that would do to your insurance premiums?

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If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rumor has it that US snipers in Iraq are using fake weapons and bomb-making materials as bait, and then killing terrorists who picks up the items. The pro-defeat lobby seems to have a problem with this.

Not me.

In fact, I can see how this principle can be adapted and applied to target other irksome critters, like baiting:

Let me get this straight: The Iraq war is a mistake. We've lost. We have to pull out now... but we're still not sure we'll be out of there by 2013.

These guys need lessons from the French on being much more decisive about losing wars.

Anyway, I think the nutroots are starting to realize none of the candidates are serious about ending the war (who wants that huge loss on their hands?). Thus the nutroots' descent into irrelevancy continues.

We are the richer and more powerful than all others.We can destroy any country we feel like.We landed on the moon, suckas!

America is freaking awesome. We collected the best people from all over the world into one country so we can totally rule at absolutely everything. Scientists have determined that America is by far the most awesome country they have discovered existing in the three spatial and one temporal dimensions. Who would not want to be associated with that? And it's not like rooting for some local football team, because we're all actually a part of it. That rules.

I guess some people think America is so mind-boggingly super-fantastic that they feel the need to apologize to the citizens of lesser countries for how our awesomeness makes them appear even more pathetic. That's dumb. People from other countries should apologize to us for sucking so badly. Sometimes how much their countries suck interferes with our awesomeness, like Mexico. We want them to prostrate before us and say, "Oh glorious Americans, we are sorry for how much our country sucks and how it disturbs your unbelievable awesomeness."

And we can say, "That's okay. We know you're trying hard, and we will not raze your country... for now."

That's the proper order of things. It also reminds me of another pronoun I like to use: "They."

"They" is what I call all the terrorists, evil foreigners, and liberals.

They are bad.They should be rounded up and brought to Gitmo and beaten with rubber hoses.They smell and I hate them.

The House voted 341 to 79 to condemn MoveOn.org, which means a large majority of Democrats voted for it too. I don't really care that much at this point -- MoveOn has clearly made their name mud because people tend to look down on a bunch of wiener kids calling a serving general a traitor -- but it is fun to watch the nutroots bitch and moan. They were so sure they were speaking twoof to power, but I guess Democrats still don't think their viewpoints are quite ready for primetime.

It's going to be interesting as we get to the general election cycle as the Democrat candidate is going to have to decide whether placating these whiners is worth the risk of being tarred by their craziness. I'm guessing that they're going to get shunned as soon as the primary is over and then fade away when the crux of their universe -- President Bush -- is no longer in office.

Rumor has it that President Bush has been quietly giving advice to Hillary about not making stupid promises regarding Iraq that she'll regret if she gets elected. I'm sure the advice also encompasses other topics, and I'll speculate thusly about what he might have said:

10) "Choose a running mate that's in favor of gun control so as not to be blindsided by an embarrassing 'lawyer hunting accident'".

9) "Don't fire your US Attorneys, just kill them and dump the bodies in a park somewhere... like I have to tell YOU to do that!"

8) "Keep Bill the hell away from my daughters!"

7) "Don't walk barefoot on the White House lawn - John Kerry's medals are still out there somewhere and those things are POINTY!"

I was thinking, aren't the nutroots basically just a Bizzaro Bush? Bizzaro was the opposite of Superman. He'd say "Hello" when Superman would say "Goodbye." Since Superman had heat vision, Bizzaro has cold vision. In the same way, the nutroots mindlessly aim to be the opposite of whatever Bush is. If Bush is for war, they're against it. If Bush thinks they have enough troops, they think he should have more. If Bush thinks he needs more troops, they think he should have less. If Bush hates Ahmadinejad, they love Ahmadinejad. If Bush thinks genocide in Iraq is a bad thing, then they think its peachy. If Bush likes America, then they kind nothing but fault with the country.

Eventually, Bizzaro killed himself since to he determined to be the opposite of Superman he had to be dead. It's nice when problems solve themselves.

Apparently the narrative the nutroots have for Iran executing gays is that in America the evil religious right don't let gays marry which is totally exactly the same thing. The variation is that it starts with not letting gays marry, and then it moves on to rounding up and killing them (like in Kentucky when it outlawed cousins being married they eventually started rounding up and executing cousins). Basically, you're either for letting gays marry or your for executing them; there is no middle ground (at least that their tiny brains can comprehend). More importantly, no matter how evil some foreigners may seem, Americans and especially conservatives are just as bad if not worse.

What's the story behind your name? There was a story behind it a long time ago--WELL before Harry Potter--but I forgot it. I like it though--it's unique. I do know it means "red" in some language.

Where do you live? Woodstock, a little town right near everyones favorite hippie-city, Chicago. What? A conservative in Chicago you say? Theres more than you think! There's 2 of us!

How old are you? 22. It's a good age. It's like 21, but without everyone pestering you about going to a bar just-because-you-can.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I am one of the coolest people ever. When people first meet me, they are like "That guy is nuts!!" Then they think I am awesome after a while. I enjoy doing pretty much everything: sports, hunting, video games, harassing war protesters, airsoft, harassing war protesters with airsoft.... etc.

How long have you been reading IMAO? A while now. I came across a link, read some posts, and thought "That guy is nuts!!" Then I thought IMAO was awesome. Go liberal-monkey-face punching!

What's your favorite IMAO post? I like them all, but the 'facts' are great one-liners. The taser posts had me laughing pretty hard, too.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Ridiculous, genius, and funny-because-there's-truth-in-it. (I'm sure there's one word for that, but I don't know it.)

What's you favorite political issue? Terrorism and illegal immigration, if you mean "favorite to make jokes of"

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I went through a couple, but I keep finding other things to do instead. They aren't worth anyones time anymore.

Given paper clips, eight feet of string, and toothpicks, how would you solve the problem of Iran proliferating nuclear weapons? Use the paper clips to erect a tank, the toothpicks to make a post with an arm, and the 8ft of string should be long enough to hang Ahmadinejad from the arm so you can use him as target practice with said tank while he hangs there. They'd get the idea.

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If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

If we want to kill a country's leader but avoid worldwide condemnation, let's just go ahead and assassinate the guy. When questioned about it, we say, "He had rabies." Then we bow our heads like we're really sad. "We had to put him down." Then everyone will think of Old Yeller and how he got rabies and had to be put down and it was really sad. Everyone will feel so sorry for us that they'll make us a pie.

SarahK has started a new blog devoted to snarking TV called Snark Raving Mad!. Check out the great banner by Cadet Happy (who will be posting there too; he's not dead!). Tonight starts all the big premieres (we're watching Chuck right now off the DVR; it has Adam Baldwin, one of the few conservative actors... and my sister worked with him recently).

What's the story behind your name? It's a mixture of my given name and my favorite legal escape of all time. No friends on a powder day, right?

Where do you live? Longmont, Colorado. We're about to get our second Wal-Mart/Sams Club, so you know we're on someone's map.

How old are you? I feel like 25 thanks to staying in shape, but was born in '64. That hurts just to write, but I've been told that a man isn't worth a damn till he's 50, so there's hope for me yet.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm a cube monkey (don't hurt me), I swing both ways (road AND mountain biker) and in my past I have been involved in some not well intentioned shooting contests. I've never shot at a monkey, but only because of location. My most painful memory is having to sell an unused Remington 7mm mag that my adopted dad willed me to pay rent. Arrgghh...

How long have you been reading IMAO? Unfortunately, only about 6 months, but I tell my friends about it.

What's your favorite IMAO post? It has to be your response to that peacenik about why we are really in Iraq, where you didn't pull any punches. It was about 2 months ago, if that's not clear enough to link to, the daily Edwards facts consistently make me spit milk through my nose.

[Those are both by Harvey. Why do I even bother to show up to work each day? -Ed.]

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Second favorite escape.

What's you favorite political issue? Illegal immigration. It gets very played down in Denver papers even though a couple Illegals have killed and tried to kill some of Denver's finest officers in the past couple of years. That and school vouchers since I have kids now. (But letting people who try to kill cops out on low bail? Please...)

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I am shocked to say that I do. It's hosted at http://finerworks.com/gallery.asp?U_ID=charski&offset=0 It's a collection of some photographs I have taken over the years, none of which show deceased monkeys, and have nothing to do with politics.

Aquaman can talk to both fish and aquatic mammals. Do you think he can talk to penguins? That's a tough one. I would imagine that Aquaman is an enemy of penguins because Opus (from the comic Bloom County) is a penguin, and somewhat of a left leaning peacenik. Aquaman would certainly take vengeance on Opus's mother for raising such a softy, and in doing so would almost have to break the penguin code of communication. So, yes, Aquaman can talk to penguins, but chooses not to.

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If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

When asked about Iran's execution of gays, Ahmadinejad said there are no gays in Iran. He added that while his country had been bad to gays, he would love to treat them with respect now, but unfortunately they had killed them all so it's a moot point.

Why is it that conservatives seem to be the ones most concerned about the persecution of gay people in places such as Cuba and Iran? I thought conservatives were supposed to hate gays? I guess we need gays to be alive and free before we can hate them.

The president explained that for the average American, sick children are a blessing. "I mean, who HASN'T taken a day off from work by calling in and saying they won't be in because 'Bobby's got the flu' or 'Susie just projectile-vomited on the cat'? If it weren't for childhood ilnesses, people would have to work 365 days a year. THAT'S what Democrats want. A nation of overworked slaves!"

"Well, I won't have it!" Bush stated fiercely. "Hard-working Americans deserve a little me-time once in a while, and if it takes sick kids to make that happen, then by God, I'll make darn sure that this country maintains a ready stock of coughing, wheezing, stuffy-nosed little crumb-crunchers!"

After a moment's reflection, the president added, "I don't know why Democrats are so eager to have America's children healthy, anyway. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed kids don't win elections. I mean, it's all well and good to get your picture taken with a smiling, healthy child - they're cute little buggers and all - but if you get a grin out of some moppet in a hospital bed, then BAM! Front page news, and an extra million dollars in the campaign coffers!"

"Besides," added Bush, "isn't it a slap in the face to the Sickly-American community to say that there's something wrong with their choice of lifestyle?"

They were the absolute worst forgeries ever in the history of everything. Anyone could just look at it and realize, "That was made in MSWord and photocopied." Some went to great lengths to prove that they were forgeries mentioning things like "kearning," but to me the best response to anyone who thought the documents were real was, "LOOK AT IT, YOU @#$% IDIOT! IT WAS WRITTEN IN MSWord!! JUST LOOK AT IT!!!" Really, you don't even need Charles Johnson's animated gif to prove it; if you ever used MSWord, you should be able to see the document was written in the extremely familiar default settings. Why the forger never even bother to switch to the New Courier font which actually looks like the result of a typewriter (used in my forgery), we'll never know. I guess he had CBS on the line and only had like two minutes to do up some fake documents.

Now, Rather claimed he had "document experts" verify the Killian memos, but what did he have them do? Verify they were actually pieces of paper? Any document expert who didn't look at those and say, "That's just something made in MSWord," should be shot for extreme incompetence. Also, the explanations from the nutroots for how the documents could be real were just stunning. They claim to be interested in science and be "reality-based," yet they came up with explanations for the documents that were even more convoluted that the arguments of those who believe the earth is flat. "If the secretary had a certain $20,000 typewriter, spent five hours writing these memos, there is a one in a trillion chance it would end up looking like the default setting in MSWord over thirty years later... so we should assume these documents are true!" Anyone who believe those documents for even a second should never be allowed to make political arguments on anything that involves science or logic ever again.

Jim Treacher has a good suggestion: CBS should settle and give Rather seventy million photocopies of a one dollar bill. It's not like he'd be able to tell them from the real thing. I'm just happy he popped his head up so we could whack him again for old time's sake.

Although usually an early adopter of new technology, John Edwards has already said that he won't buy an iPhone until it comes in pink.

Bonus Facts from Jim:
Based on personal research, I give you the following TRUE* John Edwards Fabulous Fact:

One time, John Edwards bravely ran away.

Brave JohnnyE ran away - No!
Bravely ran away, away - I didn't!
When danger reared its ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled - No!
Yes, brave JohnnyE turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave, JohnnyE

Come on; I am not one for cheap stunts. My points are well reasoned and I never see the need for shouting. If I wanted cheap publicity, I'd send out spacemonkey to get tasered. Shock the monkey! Heh heh.

Hmm... that could work out pretty well. He could shout, "Don't tase me bro; read IMAO!"

BTW, the article this is all about from Steve H. of Hog On Ice is a pretty interesting read. I agree; its a huge failure of the conservative movement someone hasn't thrown fame and fortune at me by now.

What's the story behind your name? We all get our power from something, Popeye has spinach, Superman has kryptonite, yuppies have Starbucks, I have the magical elixir from St. James Gate in Dublin, Ireland.

How old are you? I'm at an age that puts me between "old enough to know better" and "young enough not to care".

Tell us briefly about yourself. I recently moved to the liberal side of Washington after spending almost 10 years in the gun-toting redneck east side of the state. I've live in many locations, Utah, England, Washington (twice), California, Alaska. My dad was in the Air Force (Pararescue, the toughest job in the world). I enjoy riding my bicycles (both road and mountain), shooting my long guns (I still love 30-06), double tapping my GLOCK 17 with hi-cap magazines, and generally avoiding large crowds.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Unfair. Unbalance. Unmedicated. Oh wait, those are yours, so I guess mine would be... Unhinged political humor.

What's you favorite political issue? Gun rights, because I love my guns and the anti-gun crowd is fun (and easy) to torment.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No, but I used-ta-could have one.

How should close elections be settled: Recounts, kung fu fight, or pistols at dawn? Pistols at dawn sounds good, but we need some something a bit more scientific and secrative. Sniper rifles at 500 yards minimum, no set time only a 1 week window to "win" your election. And think about it, this would also eliminate excess politicians.

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If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Reverend Rhymes-A-Lot is defending the actions of six black youths who beat a white kid into blood-soaked unconsciousness because they were angry at something some other white people did.

"it's been scientifically proven that beating up white people will give you better grades in school and greater financial success if you're also stealing their lunch money and making them do your homework."

Personally, I can't see anything wrong with what the Jena 6 did. Let's face it - white people have gotten away with so much for so long that there's no reason NOT to beat them up. They must've done SOMETHING wrong lately - after all, they're WHITE - but just because the punishment doesn't directly fit the unknown possible alleged crime that they probably committed when no one was looking doesn't mean that the beating wasn't well-deserved in some greater cosmic-karmic sense of the word.

And I speak from personal experience. I grew up in a small and agonizingly Caucasian town in Wisconsin. I wasn't lucky enough to have African-Americans around to administer the beatings I so richly deserved for being an overweight, undermuscled, pale-skinned, chess-playing, glasses-wearing twerp. And look at me NOW! I'm just some nerd hiding behind a keyboard, whoring out my writing talents by typing up right-wing satires of left-wing parodies of stories about right-wing politicians. If only there'd been a dozen strong, brown hands to encourage me to mend my ways by teaching me the meaning of pain!

But it's not just MY life that could be improved by inter-racial pummelling. The fact is, it's been scientifically proven that beating up white people will give you better grades in school and greater financial success if you're also stealing their lunch money and making them do your homework. Don't you want this for YOUR children? Do you honestly want to risk having them grow up like ME? Do you hate your blessed offspring THAT much?

If you care about the future, you will join Jesse Jackson and I our quest to make it possible for people of color to batter any white devil into a coma without fear of unfair and racist legal retribution.

And let me toss out an idea that'll make this country even safer from the terror of uncontrollable white-itude. We should have a government program that actually PAYS young black men to travel the country to put the whup-ass on honky skulls. Sorta like the Peace Corps, except with violence.

It's just a dream at this point, but I think it's one worth pursuing. After all, is there REALLY any price too high to pay to keep another white child from turning out like me?

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Walloping Whitey for a Better Tomorrow" and "I Like My Assailants Like I Like My Coffee - Strong, Black, and Bitter".

1st Lt. Travis Manion proudly served and died a Spartan's death in Iraq. This is a great story about his service with his fellow countryman and the grateful Iraqis who fought along side him and continue to fight in his honor, so make sure to take some time to read it.

Manion's family will be following the comments over at INDC Journal, so please leave your condolences there.

"Heh heh. I do kinda look like a chimp. I wonder if this guy just thought of that; it's pretty clever." President Bush closed his laptop and looked up at the attractive woman who had just entered the Oval Office. "Did you know some people make fun of me on the internet? And who are you? Did I order a stripper?"

"I've never even heard of that. Did you bring your own music or do I need to supply that."

"I'm not a stripper! I was hoping to talk to you about strategies with the press."

"Oh... well... ya know, I do crazy stuff and you just need to come up with some sort of explanation for my actions that makes me look good. It's usually no use to talk to me first, 'cause I usually don't remember why I do anything. Like the whole amnesty mess... I think that's because I got Central America confused with the United States of America. Ends up they're completely different... except that both of them have lots of Mexicans."

She smiled nervously. "Tony explained to me this would be a challenging job, but I'm ready for it."

"So you thinking you'll like it? I'm considering getting a new job myself. I don't think this whole 'being president' thing is working out; I really don't see a future with it. I believe I'm in a binding contract, though, so I'm going to have to try and get myself fired."

"Um... are you serious?"

"As I explained to Tony multiple times, I'm always serious; I lack the intelligence for sarcasm. Anyway, this is a fun job; I think you're going to like it. This attractive woman press secretary idea is great. All the reporters will be like, 'Maybe if we believe everything she says, she'll like us.' Of course, you won't like them; I've met all those reporters, and you will end up despising each and everyone of them... but don't let them know that. Also, I guess a nursing home nearby has bad security because this one crazy old lady comes to all the press conferences."

"Helen Thomas?"

"Yeah. If you get near her, she bites... which is bad news because she always sits in the front row."

"Sir, what I needed to talk to you about is the disappearance of MoveOn.org's leadership. Apparently, there is some compelling evidence that some of your people are involved."

Bush chuckled. "Oh, yeah; funny story: Those MoveOn.org guys are a bunch of douches, so I thought it would be a great joke to sign an order declaring them traitors and calling for their execution. You know I don't actually have the power to execute American citizens, right?"

"Of course."

"Well, the guy I gave the order to apparently didn't know that. The MoveOn turds we're all like, 'Don't shoot me, bro!' and..." Bush started laughing. "Anyway, they're pretty dead now, so you can tell the press to stop looking for them. I forget where their bodies are buried, but it's going to be a parking lot soon. I hope that helps."

Dana stared at him in shock.

"I guess they 'Moved On' to the afterlife." Bush laughed, but saw that Dana was still looking at him in disbelief. "I guess you had to have been there."

Just about through my busy patch, so I'll soon be back to the quality blogging you've all come to expect from me (including an all new In My World tomorrow). Anyway, here are some links to things I've been meaning to blog about but haven't had the time:

Here's an interesting take on the psychological difference between liberals and conservatives based on what they find to be important morally. It could all be BS, but I like it because it confirms my prejudices.

Should Democrats give up trying to win votes from white males? Since most of the Democrat leaders and activists (as witnessed at the YearlyKos) are still white males but the same group is such a small percentage of their voters, no wonder they end up being such out of touch elitists. The party is nothing but whitey and cracker telling the black man what they think he needs.

What's the story behind your name? Once upon a time, when there were bad Germans (the communist kind) and bad Russians (the Evil Empire kind) it was left to young, upright, highly trained and super- top secret cleared individuals, such as myself, to keep an eye on their twisted communist minds as they raced to complete the hush-a-bomb. After a while, they became nicer and our friends and I had to go do something else that involved blowing up huge tracts of desert with Iraqi tanks in it. So, it’s a combination of my name and a job code I once held.

Where do you live? Pretty much as deepinthehearta as you can get, just south of the People’s Republic of Austin, TX. ‘Course, we just string up any hippies and communists we find in these here parts.

How old are you? Hmm… when I played with G.I. Joes, they weren’t any part of some international global crime fighting team. Mine were American fighting men, killin’ for’ners, ooh-rah! The Twilight Zone premiered the day I was born. That might have been an omen. Or maybe not.

Tell us briefly about yourself. Born in Oregon, raised in Colorado, ended up in Texas. I’ve seen a greater part of the world, courtesy of the US Air Force. Even the sandy, blown up bits were cool, but I really liked Germany (the good Germany, not the bad one). For a brief time after I got out, I was a network engineer for a couple of CLECs, and then I turned into a teacher.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Not as long as I should have, mea culpa. Probably about a year now, though it’s taken that long to get up enough gumption to post anything.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Wow… there are so many! I’d have to say any of the “In My World” posts, followed closely by Ronin Profiles.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Take no prisoners. I find those are pretty good words for anyone to live by, but it’s the attitude I feel most when I read a particularly stinging IMAO post.

What's you favorite political issue? Illegal immigration. I’m not quite willing to see this country surrender to a permanent peasant class sprinkled with crazy Muslim imams and terrorists. If I wanted to live someplace like that, I’d move to France.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. The only website I have is the one I have to clean up every time Spiderman holds one of his wild parties out in the back yard. Talk about a sticky, fly-specked mess…

Birds: What do you think they're up to and why do they think they're too good for the ground? Birds, man, don’t get me started. Flapping their wings, staring at you with those oh-so-superior “we don’t need engines and properly machined lifting bodies to fly” beads they call eyes. If they’re so great, why don’t they carry AIM-9’s and 20mm cannon? I’d like to see some swallow outrun a heat seeker. Go ahead, land on the ground… you’re on my turf, now, Tweetie. Honey! Let the cat out! Sorry… got a little worked up their. My therapist tells me birds are our friends, but he looks kind of like a vulture to me, when the light’s right.

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If you commented in the latest post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

If Ahmadinejad wants to visit Ground Zero, let him. When he's out in the open there, snipe him in the head. If the international community complains, just say, "It was a random sniper. This is America; sometimes there are random snipers. Probably never find him. What are you gonna do?"

What's the story behind your name? Old blue collar worker with a degree whose been investing since his late twenties. Hence, a lot of the "Do you know who I am ?" White Collar crowd have a very hard time trying to comprehend my "Doesn't impress me." attitude.

Where do you live? Richmond, VA ( Ya know, still fightin' the Civil War till we realized we were, now, being invaded from the south.)

How old are you? Throwin' away AARP mailers...

Tell us briefly about yourself. Ol' Computer geek... I've been building my own since Bill Gates was an IBM contractor.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Seems like a several years... Time flies when you're having fun.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Either the obvious, "Nuke the Moon" or the more subtle but to the point, "Punch Monkey Faces."

What's you favorite political issue? My "favorite" is the Flat Tax. The one that irritates me the most is the blatant illegal population and those that exploit them.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Nope, somewhat of a recluse unless drawn out.

Given a choice between Order and Chaos, what would be the name of your rock band? That's easy. Chaos. You should see my house.

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If you commented in the latest post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Sorry for the light posting lately, but I'm a very busy man. Anyway, John Hawkins has another survey of right-wing bloggers (including me, Frank J.!) on a variety of subjects. Check it out and learn what you should be thinking.

John Edwards doesn't understand why men flinch when they see a guy on TV take a shot to the groin.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
Contrary to popular belief, the movie "Hairspray" is NOT John Edward's biography.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
For 6 months after the devastating loss in 2004, Elizabeth Edwards had to slip into an ARMY jacket and gruffly whisper “Genghis Khan” & “I served in Vietnam” over & over to get Lil’ Johnny in the mood.

WASHINGTON (AP) - After being accused of racism for skipping a televised debate at a historically black college in Baltimore later this month, presidential candidate Fred Thompson explained that it was due to a combination of scheduling conflicts and the fact that "black people ask REALLY dumb questions."

Fred Thompson barely containing his disgust at being queried by "those darn Negroes".

"Every time I see a black hand go up at a college forum," said Thompson, "I just cringe because I know the guy's gonna ask something incredibly ignorant."

"For example," he continued, "I was at Alcorn State a couple weeks ago, and this colored fella pipes up with something like 'yo, man, mah ho' cain't gets no wefare, wazzup wit dat?'. Now, I ain't got the first clue of what this idiot's babbling about with all that yo-ing and ho-ing. I thought Talk Like a Pirate Day wasn't until September 19th?".

"And if it isn't dumb-ass questions, it's crap about why I don't have more black people on my campaign staff. Well, I tell ya, if I could find a black guy that would actually show up to work without a malt liquor in one hand and a crack pipe in the other, I'd hire him in heart beat."

"And before you go criticizing me for saying that," pre-empted Thompson, "let me make it clear that I'm NOT prejudiced. I wouldn't hire a black WOMAN, either. Damn annoying harpies with that wobbly neck-waggling thing they do when they say 'oh no you di-int!' and always whining about 'dey baby daddy'... I'm a busy man. Got a campaign to run. Ain't got time for mumbly, fatuous, minority bellyaching."

"Besides," concluded Thompson, "if I were going to learn a foreign language, it sure as hell wouldn't be Ebonics. It'd be something useful, like how to say 'kneel before Fred Thompson!' in Arabic."

Ron Paul's supporters say Ron Paul is not an insane conspiracy theorist, yet someone how every single crazy person out there supports Ron Paul. If when trying to describe you people turn to a DSM-IV, you're probably a Ron Paul supporter. So is Ron Paul to the mentally deranged what Aquaman is to fish or something? When he finally gives up his pointless candidacy, will he command the crazy people against us?

It's hugely improbable and it looks completely fake. There are other videos of it on YouTube that look to be independent recordings of the same game and a Hot Air commenter who claims to have watched the game live and saw it happen, but there's no way I can believe that's real.

Future rule: A player does that again, his team gets 120 runs... like catching the golden snitch.

What's the story behind your name? Well on my favorite website, Newsbusters.org , I go by AtheistRepublican, and they started calling me AR, I thought it sounded cool so I've been using it since then.

Where do you live? I live just outside of Stillwater, Oklahoma

How old are you? 18

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm a college student majoring in Computer Science, and a renowned hippy hunter, who has disguised himself as one of the enemy, I have long hair and an unruly beard, but I bathe regularly, which kind of ruins the whole disguise. I'm also an amateur musician and DJ, my DJ name and Stage name are the same, DJBeatless. I love taking jokes past the point of funny to the point where people wonder if I'm being serious, also I love dancing, dance dance, I love dancing... One last thing, Hazel, you are my true love, for eternity and beyond!

How long have you been reading IMAO? Hard to say, first time I read it was a couple years ago, though I only started reading it regularly 4 months ago or so.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? An internet site.

What's you favorite political issue? Socialism, its funny how the liberals believe that a system that has never worked in the last 100 years will magically start working if we just believe hard enough, or whatever the fairy dust they are offering is. Also, anything that lets my crazy libertarianism loose, I love it when people look at me like I'm crazy, yes I do think that we should legalize heroin, and no it isn't entirely because I like watching druggies get high, though that is awfully fun.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes, I do have a website. http://jimmyscript.bravehost.com/website.html , its a temporary site I set up just a day or two ago because I've been having trouble getting my music to my friends. Eventually I'll set it up to be all fancy and stuff and put more music up, but right now its fairly minimalist, and be warned my music is fairly second rate.

Also I have a facebook, http://okstate.facebook.com/profile.php?id=692651743 , feel free to send me a friend invite, but make sure you send me a message saying your from IMAO or I'll reject it, I get alot of random friend invites so I just auto-reject if I don't get a message or I don't recognize your name.

When do you think it's appropriate for police to use a taser? When isn't it? Zzzzt!

* * * *

If you commented in the latest post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

* When asking questions to a Senator, make sure to do so in the proper manner as instructed to at the event.

* If you decide to instead grab the mic, only ask one question and wait for the Senator to respond.

* If you aren't interested in the Senator's response and feel it more pressing to ask more questions, relent when the police approach you.

* If you decide not to relent when the police approach you at least don't be a huge drama queen.

* If you are a huge drama queen when the police attempt to escort you out, at least don't try and resist arrest and run back in the room.

* If you do resist arrest and run back into the room, do give up when the police tackle you.

* If you keep resisting when tackled to the ground, do finally follow police instructions when they threaten to taser you.

* If you decide to keep resisting arrest even when tackled to the ground and are threatened with a taser, whatever you do, do not refer to one of the officers as "bro" when pleaded to not be tasered, 'cause that's gonna get yer ass tased.

I hope these instructions were helpful. Have a electrocution free day!

Last autumn, Elizabeth Edwards was nearly arrested for spousal abuse until it was discovered that John's numerous bruises really HAD been caused by falling leaves.

Bonus Fact from Pork & Beans:
As a trial lawyer, John Edwards would pace back and forth in front of the Jury droning on and on about talking to dead fetuses. This was when the phrase "Pussy Footin'" was coined.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards hates licking stamps for his scented correspondence. Not only is it so laborious, but the taste reminds him of Lance, and that was a summer fling he’s already cried too much over. (sigh)

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Now, this video was cut so it looks like he just asked a question about Skull & Bones and suddenly the police tackle him, but I think it's pretty obvious from how the kids acts (and how everyone applauds when he's dragged away) that he was previously hogging the mic and being disruptive such that he had to be removed so the event could continue (because, apparently, some people actually like to listen to John Kerry, and, in America, that's their right). Then he does all he can to keep the police from dragging him away, so they taser the idiot. Where's problem?

First of all, it's not like they shot him in the head. He just experienced some... um... discomfort, which he could have easily avoid had he ever chose not to be an obnoxious idiot. This guy was obviously using the police to make a scene and get his fifteen minutes, and he learned there are some unpleasant consequences for that action. Really, if you come to disrupt a speaking event and then fight the police, what exactly is the best possible outcome you might expect from that situation?

Second, do you really think the police are going to go on a crazy taser spree because they tasered one moron who was resisting arrest. Oh no! We could all now get tasered... if we try to interrupt an event and then resist arrest.

Third, I thought it was pretty funny how he was calling out for people to do something. "Yeah! We'll beat up the police so you can continue to shout down the speaker with crazy moonbat conspiracies! We'll get right on that!"

I had to feel for Kerry in this. There's nothing in the etiquette book for what to say while someone is getting tasered. Since he's a liberal, he knows he's supposed to be sensitive, but all he really wanted was the guy to shut up. This would have been the perfect time for him to shout, "Do you know who I am?!" And, after the idgit got tasered, add, "I'm John F'n Kerry, bitch!" He'd be a regular French-looking badass, if he did that... like Jean Reno.

Anyway, I think the police weren't excessive at all, and hopefully the student involved learned an important lesson. If he does it again, though, next time they should taser him in the nads.

UPDATE:

Here's a first hand account of what happened. Apparently the guy tried to hijack the whole forum.

Also, he was apparently urging people to follow him and the police afterwards to make sure they didn't kill him. That probably would have been excessive.

Tzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

UPDATE 2:

BTW, thank your many gods this happened with a Democrat speaker with the amount of national attention this is getting.

Maybe my sympathy meter is broken, because I can even have Christian sympathy for a terrorist blowing himself up with his own mortar, but I just don't see it for this guy. He was so over the top the whole time that I didn't buy his "cries of pain." Thus I disagree a bit with Dean Barnett (and I also don't think Kerry could have done anything better than stay back and keep quiet -- like he did), but I agree its way past time Democrats had to answer to the Twoofer idiocy they've bred and hopefully this incident will help that happen.

What's the story behind your name? Taken from The Moon is a Harsh Mistress (and, I guess, other Heinlein books, but I haven’t read those yet). I had trouble deciding between her and Ludmilla. Admittedly, I’m probably more like Milla, but Hazel’s just cooler. Plus, I like having a “z” in my name.

[That's a great novel; I stole it from my brother. -Ed.]

Where do you live? I’ve been noticing shurikens flying by my head lately, so I’d rather not give an exact location, but I will say it’s in central NC, where any boyfriend I find gets, “If anything happens to my daughter, I have a .45, a shovel, and a large back yard. No one will miss you,” from my father. Funny how they think he’s kidding.

How old are you? Old enough to be able to vote for Fred Thompson next year, but young enough that I’m still celebrating being able to watch R-rated movies.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I went to public school until the middle of my sophomore year when I got sick of the lack of learning and decided to home school. I intend to graduate in December and hope to go to NCSU in the spring to probably major in chemistry. I like shooting, writing, action movies (despise chick flicks), working on my car (’82 240D), and other fun stuff. I’m also currently a 3rd gup in Tang Soo Do, which is sort of like Tae Kwan Do, but 1,000 times better.

[I might have to get back to the State of the Frank Report eventually; I wonder whatever happened to Aquaman? -Ed.]

What's your favorite IMAO post? I would probably say one of the IMW’s like everyone else, but I’m waiting until I get the book to start going through all of them (asking for it for Christmas since I don’t really have any money). As things stand, I don’t really know; none are really jumping out in my mind at the moment, except perhaps the Ode to Violence, but that’s probably just because I just read that today. I’ve really been enjoying the Ronin Profiles though; it’s nice to learn about other people who read the site.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? “Nuke the moon,” obviously.

What's you favorite political issue? It’s a pretty close race between guns and schools. Guns because they are a blast to shoot (pun intended) and are great for self-defense if you can carry, but people are trying to take them away from the good citizens (Myself included, and I can’t even own one yet!). Schools, because learning is also really fun, but the public school system just ruins it for everyone simply by being a government-run system.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Bad day to ask that. Just this morning, I started this: http://insertrandomaddresshere.blog.com/, but I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do with it yet. I may incorporate a little myspace page that I made a little while ago (one of my many sad, sad, sad attempts at humor) into it and delete the myspace. Here’s the current myspace, if you’re curious: http://www.myspace.com/theonepartyhq

What's your favorite country that isn't America? Ameri- Oh, that isn’t America? In that case, I’ll have to say Japan. Without them, we would all be without ninja, Ronin, sushi, kimono, katana, anime, and many other great things of that sort.

* * * *

If you commented in the latest post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

I remember when I was kid there was even more talk about how we are all going to die from the destruction of the ozone layer than there was talk about global warming. I just realized, though, I haven't heard anything about the ozone layer in years. Did we solve that problem or something?

Frankly, I don't think you should be allowed to cry doomsday about something and then just quietly fade into the background. I demand an ozone update from the environmentalists! And should I still be worried about acid rain or was that just an 80s fad?

WASHINGTON (AP) - More than 4 years after the American-led invasion of Iraq, 81-year-old economist Alan Greenspan has published his memoirs, which contain the observation, "the Iraq war is largely about oil". This has led leading Republican politicians to respond overwhelmingly with "Well, DUH!"

"I can't believe it's taken the senile, wrinkle-lipped, Durante-nosed idiot this long to figure it out," said presidential hopeful Fred Thompson. "I mean, I know economists aren't that bright - Economics is the degree you go for after you flunk out of Accounting school, after all - but there are bronze-medal-winning Special Olympians who figured out this bit of 'breaking news' before the first blast of Shock and Awe scorched the skyline of Baghdad."

When asked for his take on the topic, retired Bush confidant Donald Rumsfeld stopped flaying a hippie long enough to offer his opinion. "[expletive] idiot! Did he think we went in there to scoop up a bunch of [expletive] sand to prop up the [expletive] kitty litter industry? If we weren't so [expletive] worried about keeping the oil supply safe, we'd have nuked those [lengthy and viciously unflattering series of expletives] Arabs into glowing glass & ashes back in '91!".

"Now," he concluded, removing a large strip of skin from the hippie's back, "get the hell away from me before I gouge out your eyes and [unsavory physical act of corpse desecration]!"

Although expected by Democrats to react as though some embarrassing secret had been let out, President Bush seemed puzzled as to why this bit of information was considered news. "Of COURSE this war is all about oil! Specifically, keeping the French, Chinese, and Russians from buying it on the black market from a brutal regime which they were supposed to be boycotting."

"That," the president said congenially, "is probably what the feeble-minded, greasy-headed old mummy probably meant. He probably just forgot about that bit of history. Lord knows the Democrats & war protesters have."

I have some reservations about Sally Field's idea of mothers ruling the world. What if the mothers assigned to rule the world end up abandoning the world in a dumpster? What if they rule for a while but then suddenly snap and drown the world? Or what if they shotgun the sun and run off with the world claiming that the sun was abusing them?

And some specific mothers might not be good world leaders, like Hitler's mom. I don't know of anything specific she did wrong, but I still don't think she's ready for more responsibility. Maybe I'm being unfair, though, and the rest of her children weren't genocidal at all.

“If the mothers ruled the world there would be no @#$% wars in the first place.”

FOX cut her off right before the swear (a blaspheme that some people -- me included -- find quite offensive), but I bet a lot of people listening to the statement were saying to themselves, "I don't know if that's true; some mothers seem unhinged."

I think the statement could be made more accurate by adding more -- not less -- swearing, though:

"If the bad ass mother@#$% ruled the world there would be no @#$% wars in the first place because they'd @#$% kill you if you even thought of starting a war, bitch!"

Of course, such wisdom as that is beyond vapid, self-absorbed celebrities.

After hearing that "pink is the new black", John Edwards explained his lipstick & nail polish by saying it was "new goth".

Bonus Facts from Casper the Friendly Host:
When asked during last year’s Great American Smoke-Out if he had ever used the patch, a confused John Edwards replied "After I smoke one, I usually have to use a Tuck’s pad, not a patch."

We, the undersigned, call on our national leaders and fellow citizens to resist calls for a premature withdrawal from Iraq and to support America's troops under the new commander, Gen. David Petraeus, as they implement a bold new strategy designed to bring a successful completion to their mission.

Which is nice, and you can go over and sign it if you want.

But I think it's WAY too wordy. Here's how I'd write it.

W,

Kill terrorists.
Stop when they're all dead.

America

Now go out and do something fun with all the time you saved by reading the short version.

Mary Katharine Ham has a great video well worth watch (unlike all her other stupid videos) of finding the real truth from people at Ground Zero on the anniversary while Twoofers are shouting in the background. I infer from some of the exchanges that the Twoofers have a B.O. problem. How surprising.

Right Wing News has the top 75 right of center website based on Alexa ratings, and IMAO makes the cut. I've noticed that IMAO's Alexa rating has gone significantly down in the past years despite not having a loss in traffic, but I installed an Alexa toolbar on my browser and now IMAO is climbing back up (and SarahK's site has seen a huge rank increase too). I'm sure how much I trust Alexa as an objective measure. I'm pretty sure if you all get Alexa bars too, IMAO should go even higher and then... well, I'm not sure what that accomplishes.

They call some of us "chickenhawks" because we support the troops and the war without fighting, but what's the term for these little nitwits sitting in their parents' basements thinking they know so much more about the war than our generals and believe they have any standing to the question the patriotism of those serving? I think you call them "chicken@#$%."

What's the story behind your name? My mother took one look at my face when I was born, and said "Oh, he looks like a Francesco!" This sounds less weird when you remember that this happened in Italy. Interestingly enough, Francesco is a variation of Franco, which is italian for Frank. Unfortunately, both seem to be related to France.

[That's a lie and you know it! -Ed.]

Where do you live? A little town called Santa Maria Maddalena (St. Mary Magdalene), all the way across the world in Italy. It's very near the museum-city of Ferrara, which is probably the town that has the closest contest between number of monuments and number of communists in the whole world. It's got a castle with an actual moat, and an administration that's deviating traffic from the once-rich city center to the outskirt mall, which is owned and run by the maf- errr, the cooperatives (which are the capitalistic branch of the communist party).
You can't beat that.

I'm also about a two hours' drive from Venice.

How old are you? I'm a roly-poly 27, which is just a fancy way of saying I'm fat and getting older, which is a fancy way of saying I'm becoming an even more flawless stereotype of an American conservative.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm one of the incredibly rare self-described US-style conservatives that isn't actually a creepy libertarian or the usual leftie claiming to follow America's example. (For crying out loud, our politicians can't even get laid like Clinton, let alone drop taxes like Reagan.) I'm currently studying for my first University diploma, to be possibly followed by a second in the US, and after that a smoking-hot career in videogame design. Watch out for my stuff... it's coming and you're going to like it or else!

I'm of course a gun owner (S&W mod 686, CZ 452, Colt Government Model), and I shoot regularly so don't piss me off just because I'm in Europe. Also in the plans: fixing that last little issue.

How long have you been reading IMAO? About three years I think.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Filthy lies. Puppy Blender™ is a narrative the level of which no liberal organization can ever aspire to invent. Plus I can't stand dogs (CAT CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER!!), so that probably helped.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Nuke The Moon. Originally I'd have gone with "fun, outrageous, surprisingly useful", but that's four words and Nuke the Moon conveys all that and more anyway.

What's you favorite political issue? Politics in videogaming. It's becoming as radicalized and leftwing as in Hollywood, and nobody on the right is doing anything. Just look at the bushitler troofer conspiracy theories in the soon-to-be-released BlackSite: Area 51 game.http://www.gamespot.com/xbox360/action/blacksite/news.html?sid=6168483
Read that and tell me that the designer doesn't sound like a Kos Kid!

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I used to have a blog, centered mostly on videogaming and politics, but got tired of it. I still managed to piss off at least one of the ignorant wannabe analyst that plague the gaming industry with their rants ungrounded in reality and facts, and that was accomplishment enough for the time being.

What's the biggest advantage of not being an American? Besides being able to punch anyone I meet and justify it as a valid "monkey-faced liberal punch", and being able to get anyone I want to piss their pants simply by mentioning firearms, it's got to be being able to look across the ocean and seeing an example for the rest of the world. With a little guts and the right ideas things can get dramatically better and fast; such a shame that Europe doesn't have a shred of either.

* * * *

If you commented in the latest post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Kos still can't get over his Pyrrhic victory (or was a Pyrrhic loss?) in which they successfully defeated Joe Lieberman in the primary which did nothing more than give a net loss to the Democrats by making him go independent. Kos actually commissioned a poll on how people would vote now in that 2006 race -- despite that fact that Lieberman isn't next up until reelection until 2012 (the same year Fred Thompson will be up for reelection). I can just imagine Kos waking up in the middle of the night, jumping to his feet, and shaking his tiny fist while screaming, "Jooooo!" With all the serious issues we have in the world, this is the sort of thing these little wiener kids obsess on when not slandering serving generals or wishing cancer on political opponents.

Get over it, you little goober.

That these people have even the slightest influence on our government is a crime against humanity. They should all be placed in burlap sacks and thrown in a bog.

"Let me be clear: There is no military solution in Iraq, and there never was. The best way to protect our security and to pressure Iraq's leaders to resolve their civil war is to immediately begin to remove our combat troops," Obama said in his speech. "Not in six months or one year -- now."

Or - to put is succinctly - "The best way to protect America from terrorist attacks is to prove to the psychopathic Muslims that we'll quit fighting if they just hold out long enough".

Dumbest damn thing I ever heard.

Still, there are people who'll lap it up like a cat going after a saucer of fish guts.

Which puts me in mind of Amazon.com's helpful feature "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought".

So... "People Who Believe This Also Believe":

* Michael Moore is a pure-souled prophet who speaks truth to power, and - unlike black-hearted corporate media moguls - would ALWAYS choose integrity over revenue. Not that he's ever had to make that choice. Which just goes to show that the system works. Except that - as he's repeatedly shown us - the system is inverted, corrupt, and FUBAR.

* Being murdered by a gun leaves you more dead than being murdered by a knife, baseball bat, or socialized medicine.

* SUV's destroy the planet. That's why liberals ride in limousines.

* Patchouli is an acceptable substitute for soap.

* People should give a damn whether you're offended by something.

* Nothing's worth fighting for, except metaphorically.

* Oral sex isn't, really.

* Anything you can do in the privacy of your own bedroom you should be able to flaunt in public, except prayer.

* Free speech means that you can say whatever you want and no one is allowed to tell you what a galactic fudgepile you are for saying it.

* Despite being a socialist trough-hog with little-to-no understanding of what makes America better than other countries, Barack Obama is eminently electable, and, indeed, is the best choice among the entire current field of viable candidates.

* Besides, skin color should be taken into consideration when choosing the leader of the free world, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a filthy racist.

By the way, if anyone ever catches me seriously espousing ANY of the above opinions, please shoot me, because it means the brain tumor is inoperable.

As you may have noticed, there was a post today announcing a birthday that was not written by me. That's because it's Harvey's birthday. He often posts here, and his posts are identical to mine except for one small detail: They're labeled "Posted by Harvey."

Harvey smiling as he thinks of a new funny post.

Today, let's finally give credit to Harvey for the posts he's written instead of giving me his credit. That could be his present. Frankly, I'm getting tired of hearing how great "my" Edwards facts are.

Ever wanted to show IMAO's newest headlines right on your very own site? Sure you have.
But until today it was prohibitively expensive and could cost millions of lives. A new day has dawned and here is a widget you can use to promote your favorite humor site.

I needed to take a break for a day on Ronin Profiles, but I plan to keep it up as long as there are people to profile. If you wanted to be in Ronin Profiles but haven't been featured yet, just comment to this post. Make sure to fill out the e-mail field (only I get to see that) so I know where to send the questions to.

INSPIRING!! So I guess you'll be down at the recruiting office this afternoon to sign up, then. But why did you wait so long?

Did you even read the article? It wasn't called "I Think Frank J. Should Kill the Terrorists." You are very stupid if you couldn't understand the point of such a simply argued editorial. You should check that the toys you put in your mouth don't have lead paint from China.

* * * *

SplendidOne write:

I don't think it our government's job to kill anyone who is not actively involved in planning, and has the real-time potential to conduct, or is actively involved in conducting terrorist activities against the United States.

You already lost me. You need to write in short clear sentences like me.

Even with real terrorists, the job isn't to kill them it's to protect us from them. Killing is one way to do that; it's not the only way. And killing them seems to be messy, in that lots of innocents also get killed. (FYI, "brown skinned people who aren't Christians" is not a definition of "terrorist.")

Obviously you don't have the new edition of Websters.

Funny how the our oh-so-effective military can't seem to get the number one terrorist - Osama bin Laden.

So we should get rid of the military because they haven't killed one particular terrorist out of a million? You're stupid.

If you aren't going to volunteer, get trained, and go out and kill terrorists while in the military, how about contracting with the Bush administration to get Osama for us?

I think you're sucking on the same toys as Mirror.

I bet that one individual, even starting out untrained, given, say $50M and unlimited spending authority on it, could find and kill bin Laden within a year.

I bet you're retarded. I literally bet a thousand dollars on that.

Oh, wait, I forgot, Osama's "not important" anymore. :)

Lead poisoning can affect memory.

* * * *

Steveo writes:

I have an idea!

We should give soldiers police authority! That way, when they aren't at war, we could have hundreds of thousands of extra policemen all around the country. The military should be in charge of police. After all, they're trained in just what police officers do everyday: handle weapons and kill criminals. Crime would be way down, for sure.

Makes sense, doesn't it??

Are all the criminals in the U.S. actively plotting to kill us right now? If so, then you have a point. Otherwise, you are retarded.

Ever notice how people who comment here to disagree with me tend to be retarded?

On the University of Maryland campus, a small noose was found hanging from a tree near a cultural center that houses the black faculty association and a black newspaper. I, for one, am absolutely outraged by this travesty!

Look at that pathetic thing! You call that a noose? The damn thing's so small, you couldn't even hang a Democrat's sense of decency with it! It took 'em two weeks before anyone even noticed it was there.

"you'd think they could toss in just one lousy credit of Stringing People Up 101."

And what'd they make it out of, anyway? That sure as hell isn't rope. Looks like a bunch of hippies pooled their hemp necklaces and braided them all together. And what in the name of John Edwards kind of sissy-pants braiding IS that? If you're going to make a respectable noose, you make it out of three strand hawser-laid jute or don't even bother tossing it over the tree branch.

And don't even get me started on the knot at the end. Hell my mother gets closer to a Hangman's Knot when she's knitting. It's supposed to have 13 coils.

Look, I understand that colleges these days mostly only teach PC BS like bi-lesbian tree-dancing and whatnot, but you'd think they could toss in just one lousy credit of Stringing People Up 101. What are these poor kids gonna do if someone steals their horse someday? You don't put a horse thief in time out! Ya hoist 'im up like a bird feeder & let the vultures do the rest.

Yeah, I know people don't ride horses anymore, but we've still got plenty of Congressmen & journalists whose necks are too short, so I think my point remains valid.

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Executioning: A Career Guide For Teenagers" and "Rope: Not Just For Kinky Sex Anymore".

It's got to be hard for a general like Petraeus to have to be called a traitor by MoveOn.org and have to sit there while Hillary Clinton calls him a liar and Barack "Let's Invade Packistan Now and... Ooh! Shiny!" Obama lectures him on foreign policy. At least John Edwards still isn't a Senator or he'd probably have to hear Edwards question his manhood.

The outgoing message on Fred Thompson's voicemail is, "How dare you try and disturb me! I'm not here right now; instead, I'm behind you with a shotgun and you won't live to hear the sound of the beep!"

Mary Katharine Ham has has the top twoofer myths to be able to respond to. That's more to explain to people who have just heard of that silliness; it's not worth it arguing science with an actual twoofer because that's just casting pearls before swine.

Here's a Get Fuzzy comic my dad pointed me to that seems strangely political for the Sunday comics page (daily comic strips are probably the least risque medium left in America... with a few notable exceptions). If I remember right, that cat also hates monkeys, so maybe I should read that comic more. In the future, I'll have to teach my dad that you can find comics online and send them in e-mail, as he still clips them for me from the paper. Then again, my dog still doesn't know how to use a doorknob but I still love her.

Saddam may or may not ever started dealing wholesale with terrorists, but you can bet his boys - in their effort to outshine their father's brutal and stupid legacy - would've ramped up the anti-American rhetoric and followed it with action, whether covert or overt.

The war was worth it, if for no other reason than removing the region from the shadow of an insufferable Hussein dynasty.

What's the story behind your name? It roughly translates to 'dirt sailor'. Half of it's Japanese, the other half's from a series of novels I used to read. As for why, that would take a few pages. We'll just say I've been to some strange places.

Where do you live? San Diego, CA. No house right now though. My crackerjack box apartment literally was the beginning of a little sinkhole a few months ago. Any good housing lawyers out there?

How old are you? When I started high school, Microsoft Office wasn't around. Nor was the Internet. I learned programming in Basic on a Commodore 64. I still get carded though, so I guess I'm aging well.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I worked in the service for nearly a decade. Now I work in communications engineering while getting my degree. I'm also studying acting. Not sure what I want to do next - either do acting or go back in the service.

What cabinet position would best suit an extremely angry dog? The Secretary of Transportation. Especially if said dog were trained to chew anyone who pushed for more carpool lanes instead of normal ones.

What's you favorite political issue? Immigration. I'm for deporting the radio host Piolin first as an honorary illegal - he's earned it.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Not at this point - need more hours in my day first.

If you had to pick another color for the sky than blue, what would it be? Bright red-orange, like on Thundar the Barbarian reruns (gold star for whoever remembers what year that cartoon came out).

* * * *

If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you're still in the running. Eventually I'll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

It seems like they don't make video games as hard as they used to. There are difficulty levels on video games today that seem impossible to beat, but they're always optional. Back in the day of the NES, though, it was like they would make games and then never even play test them -- as if they never even thought the question "Can anyone realistically play this?" was worth asking. There were games so hard and that I couldn't even imagine beating them -- yet somehow they were popular and widely played. One was Ghost 'n Goblins where I only ever made it to the third level no matter how hard I tried. Two hits and you die, and the game is constantly throwing everything at you. And you're expected to beat the whole game twice to get the full ending. Did anyone do that without cheating? Maybe it was possible if you made playing that game your life's work, but I don't see a casual gamer getting anywhere in it.

Another one was Battletoads made near the end of the NES life cycle when they should have knew better. The first level was the perfect balance of fun and difficulty. The second level was quite a bit more difficult but still doable. But, by the middle of the third level, the difficulty is suddenly ramped up to eleven and never relents for the next nine or so levels (not that I got much farther without cheating).

How did these games get through testing? Who were they made for? Can any of you think of any video games nearly as hard as those (that didn't come with easier difficulty levels)?

BTW, while researching my Fred Thompson fact today (yes, sometimes I do research) to see if everyone considered Ghost 'n Goblins as difficult as I did, I ran into Mushihimesama. It's a Japan only game, but my understanding is that this is the final boss of the first game when played on Ultra (it's hardest difficulty):

And this is the final boss of the sequel:

I run into something like that, I'm not putting more quarters into the machine.

Oh, as long as I'm talking about video games for no reason, I have to give props to this Fred Thompson fact from a commenter who left himself anonymous:

I remember that back in the 80s when I was but a wee child there were a people called Communists. They were very bad, but we also had Rambo and he killed them. Thus we felt safe and happy and would say, "Yea, though there be Communists, verily there is John Rambo to kill them. Things are well in the world."

Today, there no longer are Communists since Rambo killed them all with explosive arrows, but there are terrorists. "Who will kill the terrorists?" we ask, and it is a good question. I think it is the responsibility of the government to kill terrorists. My reasoning on it is thusly: Terrorists live and plot in many different foreign countries with lots of different wacky laws. Thus, it's much easier for the U.S. government to stomp around ignoring those laws than it is for individuals. If I went into those countries to kill terrorists, those countries would say, "Hey, Frank. You are ignoring are laws. You go to prison now." And they would take me to wacky foreign prison, and I would not be able to resist because there would be many of them and they would be mean. But the U.S. government is even bigger and meaner and thus can ignore stupid foreign laws to kill the terrorists.

"When I think of who in the government could be good at killing terrorists, I think of the military."

Since it is resolved it's the government's job to kill terrorists, who in the government should kill them? The I.R.S? Congress? Those nine old people who tell us what the Constitution means? No, I don't think any of those people are properly equipped to kill terrorists. When I think of who in the government could be good at killing terrorists, I think of the military. They have guns and training at killing. They seem to be the perfect candidates for killing terrorists. Thus I say that our military should be tasked with killing terrorists.

Now that I've logically proved that the U.S. military should kill terrorists, it seems strange that some people would want to pull troops out of the Middle East. That's where the terrorists are! I guess eventually they'll come to us a few at a time, but it is so much more efficient to go over there and kill them en masse. When people say, "No! Bring the troops home!" I say, "But there aren't many terrorists at home. They are over there. You are being silly." Why would we move the troops? Who is more important to kill than the terrorists? The Swedes? Certainly not.

When someone tells you we should bring the troops back, ask him who does he think will then kill the terrorists. When he inevitably gives you a dumb answer, punch him in the face as should be the punishment for answers that are stupid. As is obvious, the U.S. military should kill terrorists.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Police Should Arrest Criminals" and "Tax Collectors Should Collect Taxes (Or, Preferably, Drop Dead)."

Mary Katharine Ham has pictures from Ground Zero where she was handing out pamphlets about the real truth about 9/11 (I'm sure to the consternation of the Twoofers there who it sounds like she'll have a HamNation about soon).

What's the story behind your name? I humbly serve humanity by explaining the truth behind liberalism. Also, as I abuse liberals on other websites, I always sign my posts "As Always, Your Humble Servant," and this drives the hippies nuts.

Where do you live? Parts unknown.

How old are you? 43

Tell us briefly about yourself. I enjoy candle lit dinners, and walks on the beach...oh, sorry, wrong website. I am part of the vast right-wing conspiracy. My BFF, Jose Cuervo, is my main inspiration in abusing liberals, and my uncontrollable urge to punch hippies.

Do you think economic and political ideas should be tested on monkeys before they're used on humans? That would be cruel to animals. I think we should test them on liberals first, and then move to higher forms of primates like monkeys and baboons.

What's you favorite political issue? My hot-button is liberal aristocracy...that they think they are smart enough to tell everyone else how to live, yet they do not want to live that way. Nancy-boy Edwards wants to talk about two Americas, yet he lives in a 20,000 square foot home in NC.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. My site is titled: Liberal Hypocrisy--but, then again, I repeat myself. I like to point out the blatant hypocrisy of liberalism. I have an ever growing page devoted to "You Just Might Be a Liberal Hypocrite."

What do you do with a drunken sailor? Give him 3 Purple Hearts and let him run for president in 2004.

[My answer is: Make him post daily on my site. -Ed.]

* * * *

If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you're still in the running. Eventually I'll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

John Edwards loves his teddy bears, which is why - if you ask him "Ginger or Mary Ann?" - he'll answer "Skipper".

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
The first argument in John and Elizabeth Edwards's marriage occurred when Elizabeth used John's rouge before he was done with it. He'd already done his cheeks, but hadn't done his nipples yet.

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

MoveOn put out a full page ad attacking General Petraeus by calling him "General Betray Us." By their tiny, chicken-brain understanding of things, someone who doesn't say only doom and gloom about Iraq is evil and lying to us. Many Democrat politicians have distanced themselves from the ad but the left-wing blogosphere thinks it completely accurate and productive for them to impugn him. So, it comes to the question of who do we trust more on Iraq: A serving general or wiener kids on the internet? Let's compare and contrast!

GENERAL PETRAEUS VERSUS WIENER KIDS ON THE INTERNET

General Petraeus: A general.Wiener Kids on the Internet: A bunch of wiener kids.

General Petraeus: Want the military to succeed.Wiener Kids on the Internet: Wants nothing more than the military to fail.

General Petraeus: Nice. Wise.Wiener Kids on the Internet: Arrogant. Nigh-retarded.

General Petraeus: Understand military strategy.Wiener Kids on the Internet: Understands strategy for getting a diary recommended on Daily Kos.

It's been six years since we were attacked on our soil, and I'm not sure what's left to say. Either you get it, or you don't. You understand there are people out there plotting to kill us and that by far the biggest responsibility of the federal government is to do something about taht or you choose to ignore that so you can focus on easier piddling crap issues. In my greatest optimism, I never thought we'd go this long without another attack, and hopefully we can go much longer. If we ever let the unserious rule -- those who choose to ignore the problem for its political inconvenience -- then we're inviting the next attack. Sure, eventually that will cause a rallying cry, but hopefully enough of us can remain serious people without having to once again witness such a spectacle of destruction and death.

Hagel, the Senator I've most wanted to punch in the face, is retiring. That's awesome. He could likely be replaced by Democrat Bob Kerrey who I think would be a huge trade up from Hagel. I know I'm supposed to be a partisan hack and should be upset of the possibility of losing a Republican seat to a Democrat, but I respect Bob Kerrey and totally opposite of respect Hagel.

What's the story behind your name? Well Derek means “Ruler of the People” and my parents had a keen sense of irony. However if I ever witness a mob killing and have to testify I have already picked out my witness protection name, Miguel Javier Escobar Sanchez.

Where do you live? Kissimmee, FL or as I like to call it Orlando Jr.

How old are you? 418 months

Tell us briefly about yourself. I was born in Florida, graduated High School and joined the Marines. Got to hang out in Japan on Uncle Sam’s dime for a year, came back got a job, got married, and had 3 kids all boys (A 5 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old. We have cable now so we are not as bored at night so that should be the last of the kids) I work a full time job and my wife and I work a part time travel agency from our home. This way she can stay at home with our kids and home school them (yeah we are one of those kooks that don’t believe that you should turn pre K children over to the government for book learnin’) If you would like to know more you can read my upcoming autobiography called, “Kiss My @$$, A Love Story.”

Do you think liberals secretly want to be punched? Yes, I do. Nature hates a vacuum and the hollowness of their words causes a vast, sucking vacuum that needs to be filled. Normally their foot will fit in their nicely, but sometimes you have to shove your fist in there. A really good liberal will be able to accommodate not only their foot but both of your fists as well.

How long have you been reading IMAO? About two years now.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I love In My World also I was a fan of Fun Facts of the 50 States

What's you favorite political issue? Explaining to dumb hippies how it doesn’t matter how much you raise takes on evil corporations it is the consumer that ends up paying them when they pass the cost on to them. That was part of the reason we started doing a home business, the tax write offs are insane and the less I have to give to the government means one less free ride for dumb hippies to go to college.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I don’t not have a website. It is so much easier to leave brilliant and snarky comments on other peoples sites. Plus I really don’t think this Internet thing is going to catch on.

What's your least favorite type of whale? The Beluga whale. You know the lumpy white ones. They creep me out every time I go to Sea World. They are like the creepy kid from Powder. The only way to make them more creepy is to give them freckles and red hair. Lumpy, white, freckly, red haired, creepy whales. (shudder) Now if they had a cool horn sticking out of their head like a Narwhal that would be a different story.

Thanks for participating! You are welcome and thank you for having me. It is not often that I get to share my insights with a fine gentleman such as yourself and your enlightened readers. I look forward to seeing you and all the contributors at next year’s IMAOcon. You guy’s will get a kick out of my Karl Rove costume.

[You weren't supposed to respond to that. -Ed.]

* * * *

If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you're still in the running. Eventually I'll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

"Well *I* heard that not only can't Osama hold a job, he's hung like an acorn, too."

According to Edwards, the Gossip and International Tale Mongerer Organization (GITMO) would "allow members to voluntarily share financial, police, customs and immigration intelligence. Together, nations will be able to track the way terrorists travel, communicate, recruit, train and finance their operations".

"Everyone knows that endlessly bitching about something," said Edwards, "beats the hell out of actually taking concrete action. The ladies know what I'm talking about."

Edwards said his brilliant idea came to him after reflecting on his own life. "It occurred to me," mused the Democratic candidate, "that nothing has hurt my feelings more than finding out that people said mean things about me behind my back. When that happens, I'm WAY too busy curled up in a corner crying to place roadside bombs or fly planes into buildings. There's absolutely no reason to believe that GITMO wouldn't have the same exact effect on terrorists."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi embraced the plan with great enthusiasm. "As a backbiting old hen of several decades, I can assure you that there is no greater weapon of mass destruction than a juicy rumor when spread by prattling, long-nosed magpies. Even the most powerful man on Earth can be utterly destroyed with a little defamatory scuttlebutting. Like when the Democrats started telling everyone that Bush lied about Iraq, which was an impeachable offense for which he... ok, well, that wasn't a good example, but you get the idea."

President Bush was dismissively unimpressed with Edwards's plan. "We already have a GITMO for combatting terrorism, and unless Silky Pony's crack-headed notion includes big-piped toilets for flushing Korans, it's going to be about as useful as a bucket of warm spit - except without the bucket - just like every other idea that queefing little pansy's ever had."

The Democrats, taking heat from both the left-wing blogs and Osama bin Laden for not doing more to end the Iraq War, are in a bit of a bind right now. In an attempt to help themselves, the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee had a contest to come up with a catchy new bumper sticker slogan, but here's the winner:

"Sorry, W, I'm the decider."

So, in other words, their big new strategy for what they'll do in 2009 is "We hate booooosh!" Pretty lame. Plus, they're obviously not the decider considering that President Bush has minuscule approval ratings and the Democrats still have no power to leverage any accomplishments.

So what would be a better slogan for Democrat Senators? Here are some of my ideas:

* Impotence raised to an art form.

* Eventually we'll accomplish something.

* Wide stances.

* Since we call Harry Reid our leader, you should be happy we're not more of a failure.

* Now with less Jews.

* Total ass! (goes well with a picture of the Democratic donkey)

* Doing whatever the wiener kids on the internet tell us to.

What's you idea for a slogan for the Democrat Senators? Put it in the comments and the best one will win... High Praise!

Some people seemed surprised that Osama bin Laden sounds exactly like a left-wing blogger, but it's not surprising at all if you've been paying attention. Just look at all the similarities between the two:

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN OSAMA BIN LADEN AND LEFT WING BLOGGERS

* Are very much against the Bush Administration's harsh interrogation techniques.

* Attitude towards contractors killed in Fallujah: "Screw 'em!"

* Can't wait for Brian De Palma's movie showing the "reality" of being a U.S. soldier.

* Are sure they're the real mainstream.

* Don't allow dissent from followers.

* Are quite concerned about Bush Administration wiretaps.

* Think Keith Olbermann is brilliant.

* Hate having to keep hidden from most of society.

* Think those who disagree with them aren't only wrong but evil.

* Hate -- hate -- Joe Lieberman.

* Despite the stark scientific evidence to the contrary, are still convinced the Dan Rather memos were real.

* Despise average American.

* Think Stephen Colbert's humor is edgy.

* Protested ABC showing The Path to 9/11 because of the way it portrayed people they respected.

* Don't bathe as often as the average American.

* Say they cares for the oppressed but come from a very privileged upbringing.

* Tell people they're the only "real conservatives."

* Favorite candidate of the Democrat front runners: John Edwards.

* Think gay Republicans should be exposed and publicly punished.

* Love making impotent threats.

* Celebrate and wish the worst when a Republican gets cancer.

* Sole focus is to get power, but not sure what they'd actually do were they to achieve it.

Fred Thompson plans to keep a big pile of dead terrorists on the front lawn of the White House as a testament to fighting ability of American troops. He'd do it at his current home if it weren't for the HOA regulations.

We all know Rove is behind the newest Osama video, right? I mean there's no way Osama released a video on his own imitating every single left-wing talking point; that's just too perfect for us. He did everything but end his tirade with, "In conclusion, murderous terrorists and liberals are pretty much ideologically the same. Once again, if you take anything away from my speech, it should be that terrorists and liberals are almost exactly the same thing."

This is just too perfect for us; it has to be Rove.

BTW, I think it's funny how the liberals are acting like all we right wing bloggers conspired together to use the talking point that Osama sounds like a left-wing blogger. Did they ever consider that the reasons we all said he sounds exactly like a left-wing blogger is because he sounds exactly like a left-wing blogger? If in his video he had said, "Hey! Hey! Hey!" in a deep voice, we'd all be saying he sounded like Fat Albert. Instead, he said, "Democrats need to get America our of Iraq now and you need to read Chomsky and worry about global warming," so we're all saying he sounds like a liberal blogger. Occam's razor.

I had a widget up for contributing to I'm With Fred, but some people has been getting certificate warning which I think is related to them changing to their Fred08.com URL now that Fred Thompson is fully in the race. I put up a new widget on the right sidebar, so tell me in the comments here if any of you still get problems.

If you were planning on helping Fred Thompson's campaign, it would be nice to do it through my widget so he knows that Frank J. is his best supporter number one. If you have illegal Chinese money, e-mail me and I'll try to figure out a way to launder it for you.

Since Bush is pretty much a lame duck (just not lamer than the Democratic Congress), why doesn't he respond to Osama's taped threats by going into the White House basement and taping threats of his own saying he will destroy all those who insult America? It would make him relevant again, because, hey, he just might do it (I hear he has nukes).

In the video, apparently Osama chastises the Democrats for not ending the war -- the thing they were elected to do, rants against "neoconservatives," praises Noam Chomsky, and talks about global warming and the Kyoto treaty.

Kos has to get this guy as a diarist before HuffPo does.

UPDATE 2:

Full transcript is here. Still reading it, but Osama really doesn't like Rumsfeld and seems to agree with the left that he should be tried for war crimes.

UPDATE 3:

Read it all. Osama basically says those who claim this is "Bush's war" are as innocent in this as he is innocent in 9/11 (i.e., not at all). He points to the election and failure of the Democrats as proof democracy doesn't work (maybe he has a point there), he rants about corporations like some Naderite, says how bad things are for our troops to basically urge us to "support the troops by bringing them home," says "no red blood for black oil," and has the usual crap about how we should all convert to Islam despite how sucky Islamic countries are. He even makes a conservative argument for it by arguing how Islam has low low taxes (only 2.5%!).

Oh, and the the new French president, Sarkozy, gets an angry mention. Welcome to the fold! There's hope for the French yet!

UPDATE 4:

What I don't get from the video is what exactly was the reaction he was hoping from 9/11 since apparently the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq weren't it.

UPDATE 5:

I should also note that Osama is not a Truther since he sounds pretty sure he's responsible for 9/11. Someone should ask him about WTC 7.

John Edwards's haircuts cost $400 because he has to buy enough carbon offsets to cancel out trucking in a sufficient supply of hairspray.
[collaborative hat tip: John of Johnalism]

Bonus Fact from AlanABQ:
Once long ago, a Monarch butterfly landed on John Edwards' arm & gave him such a severe sub-dermal hematoma, that for years he couldn't go frolicking through the daisies without being mortified by the sight of ANY butterfly.

No, that's not a joke. They really do exist. I don't know why, personally I blame lead based paint and incest.

Anyway, since I'm about to get overwhelmed with hate comments, I would ask that you visit the site and post comments on the positive side. On the plus side, it's nice to finally be getting hate mail/comments. I was starting to feel like nobody cared.

I haven't bothered posting anything about Ron Paul in a while, but Ron Paul is always fun to talk about. Anyway, here is lolrons. Also, here's a story of someone getting his web host bothered at home because he left Ron Paul off a poll. Those Ronulans and their lack of common sense and social skills -- aren't they wacky? It's like they want everyone to despise them. I bet when they finally have some debates going without the Ron Paul sideshow, the Ronulans will try and interrupt it somehow. And then Fred Thompson will smite them. That will be entertaining TV.

Rumor has it that Osama is releasing another "taunt America" video in the next few days. Pretty impressive work for a guy who's been a crimson stain on a Tora Bora cave wall since 2001. But regardless of which malnourished wino they slap the fake beard on this time around, the fact remains that this flick needs a catchy title. I suggest one of the following:

Saw this on The Office Season 3 DVD and had to find it on YouTube to share it... because we've all been Dwight at times:

BTW, if you like the series, the DVDs are definitely worth getting because they have hours and hours of deleted scenes. It's like they originally make each episode with no intention of it fitting within a half hour time constraint (sometimes it looks like they were aiming for an hour) and then just cut it all down in post. Since most of the deleted scenes look like they were only cut because of time constraint (plus the series reportedly considers deleted scenes to be canon) it would be nice if the DVDs offered an extended cut of each episode.

I don't put up Ronin Profiles on weekends or holidays, and today is Fredmas so it will return tomorrow. Instead, today tell me in the comments what issues you'd most like Fred Thompson to speak out on. Me, I want to see what he'll do to finally get Hollywood to make a movie of someone unapologetically American killing tons of Islamic terrorists. I also think its too humid in Florida and would like him to do something about that.

Not to steal the thunder from Harvey's John Edwards fact today, but I've heard from an anonymous source that when Edwards found out that Fred Thompson had announced, he became so scared he wet his pants. He then ran into his closet to hide but lost control of a bladder and ended up peeing on all his other pants too.

Today's the first day of having Fred Thompson as an official candidate for the President of the United States of America. Only in a country as great as ours could we have that happen. In other countries, they have people with French names run for leadership or there are smelly bearded people who dictate who the leaders are with no elections. But we live in America, the only country where you can vote for Fred Thompson.

What's the story behind your name? It derives from a screen name ( Bonkers4Boobies) I used on an old (and crappy) game / chat site. As you can probably guess, it has nothing to do with aquatic birds found in the Galapagos Islands.

Where do you live? I live in Plainville, Connecticut. It's a small town and the name is befitting. Here on the "right coast" we are awash in liberal based political correctness, but at least we make Nu-cler submarines.

How old are you? Old. So very old. I just turned 41. My bones aren't even good for soup.

Tell us briefly about yourself. Nothing extraordinary. I'm married ( 20 years), have 3 kids. The lil one (7 yo ) we call The Camminator. My two oldest are "Bart and Lisa Simpson". "Lisa" at 14 is a gifted young lady entering high school while "Bart" nearing 19 has matured into a selfless young man who will be entering basic training this October. All signs point to him being "over there" at this time next year after he completes his M.P. and K-9 training. God speed son. I work in Physical Therapy. The wife works for some french store .. Target I think.

What's your favorite Bush nickname the left uses (e.g., "Chimperor")? I don't have a favorite. But I do enjoy the fact that the libs still can't agree on whether he's simply a bumbling idiot, or an evil dictator bent on world domination through planetary destruction.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Just a few months.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I admit that I do enjoy reading the Daily John Edwards Fabulous Facts, or anything pertaining to firearms ( I love my Para Ord P-12 .45 , got rid of my Walther PPK/S because the slide on that little bastard likes to attempt spontaneous amputation of my thumb due to the high thumb position I use... no such problem with my Glock 26 and zero malfunctions after 3k rounds makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.) My problem is that I don't frequent the site enough, so by the time I read anything it's near archive material and posting seems pointless. I was the last to post on, "Just Something I've Noticed" 8/12 , the list of liberal propaganda code words .... just seconds later it went to archive.

What's you favorite political issue? Always the 2nd Amendment, but lately it has to be all of this self-important, nonsensical rambling about "global warming". Key fact here... sometimes the earth gets warmer, and sometimes the earth gets cooler. This has been going on since the dawn of creation, and will continue until the evil USA blows it all to hell. Get a life people. I'll sit patiently waiting for the "global cooling" hysteria thank you.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No.

If you could shoot powerful beams out your eyes, how often do you think you could actually find a use for that? I honestly can't think of any situation that wouldn't call for it's use.... from simplifying meal prep, un-clogging a drain, reducing lines at the DMV, would also be a big hit a children's parties I'm sure.... It would be the closest we mortals could get to being Fred Thompson.

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If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you're still in the running. Eventually I'll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

BAGHDAD, Iraq (Reuters) - In a surprise move, President George W. Bush made an unannounced trip to Iraq on Monday in order to spread his message of "peace in the Middle East NOW!".

"Give peace a chance or we'll shoot your sorry asses"

"I decided to take a page from those filthy hippies I see all over D.C.," said Bush, "marching around, undermining homefront morale, and generally stinkin' up the place. I thought 'if these sponge-brained mudpuppies really want the war to end, they should probably stop squatting where the bullets aren't flying and start talking to the screwball Koran-thumpers that are doin' the shooting'. Figured I'd start with the man in the mirror, and so here I am."

Wearing an Alanis Morissette wig and festooned with various peacenik paraphrenalia, the President marched amiably through various Baghdad neighborhoods, speaking of peace, love, and the hopelessness of the Islamist cause. He also carried a variety of signs during the day, which bore demoralizing slogans such as "War is unhealthy for children and other living things like stupid terrorists", "If you keep fighting, you'll be dead and America will STILL steal your oil", and "While you're out here fighting, your Imam is home nailing your wife".

Although locals were displeased with Bush's crude, tasteless, and unpleasantly patchouli-drenched display, they did - in an uncharacteristic display of civility - allow him to conduct his protest unmolested.

"While I certainly don't care for either his message or his aroma," said one local Al Qaeda member, "there's not much I can do about it. After all we DO have freedom of speech in Iraq. Or 160,000 well-armed American troops, which is pretty much the same thing."

When asked whether Bush's antics would dissuade him from further belligerence, the insurgent responded, "Absolutely not! I have a deep-seated belief in Allah, unshakable faith in the rightness of Jihad, and nothing will steer me away from my goal of earning my 72 virgins!".

John Hawkins apparently got contacted by the Fred Thompson campaign and you can submit questions to him here, he'll pick the best five tomorrow, and then Fred Thompson will respond to some of them on video.

I'm wondering if the editors of Time Magazine have gone completely nuts.

In their bootlicking piece on John Edwards in the September 10th issue, Eric Pooley whined:

Another challenge is that much of the attention he's gotten recently has been the unflattering kind, stories that question his integrity and assail his image as a fighter for the little guy by focusing on his pricey haircuts, huge house, and hedge-fund job. These viral attacks, spreading from the Drudge Report and other blogs to newspapers everywhere, make a dumb argument.

Since IMAO somehow ended up in search results for Google News, I asked readers for ideas for a slogan for the IMAO news division. There were a ton of great suggestions. Here are some of my favorite who get ordinary praise:

IMAO: Because news happens... and if it doesn't, we'll make it up.
from Devil_Dog

What's the story behind your name? Well. My first name is James. And my middle name starts with a "T." The "T" stands for "Thaddeus", a proud and stately name that comes with a mint. Of course, according to my parents, I was almost named either "Rasputin" or "Osgood." If that had happened, I prob would have wound up a serial killer from the repeated playground beatings from my peers.

Where do you live? Overland Park, Kansas. And contrary to rich effette poo-flinging monkey faced liberals from Mission Hills there is nothing the matter with Kansas. We are doing just fine, so piss off you Mission Hills snob.

How old are you? I quote Chiun, Master of Sinanju, "For a plum, I am old beyond my time, for a mountain, I have not begun my years, for a man, I am just right."

Tell us briefly about yourself. Well. I live in Kansas. I am a lawyer for a mid-sized engineering firm. I came to Kansas to go to college and pretty much stayed. I, am, of course, a gun owner, a TV fanatic, avid video game player, reader of all things sci-fi and have a Barry Goldwater figure on my desk. Despite all this, I am married, and even have a daughter who turned two over the holiday weekend. I plan on raising her to be The Ultimate Living Weapon, and at 18 unleash her upon an unsuspecting world as my vengeance. My wife is provisionally on board with this plan, as the alternative is the raising of an army composed of my clones. We have three cats. All are mean. Two live indoors, and the one that is a whirling dervish of white hot feline rage and fury lives in outside where she attacks our neighbors pugs on a regular basis. One consistently craps on my shoes. I think there is a message there. I am your typical neo-libertarian leaning Kansan who thinks Sam Brownback needs to shut up and get back to work and put down the dream pipe.

What do you think was made first: The can, or the can opener? Support your argument. Thats an easy one. The can opener. Rocks, tree branches, jawbones of your slain enemies have been around much longer then cans. The can opener just made it easier to eat the contents out of the can, rather then licking the spatter off the walls.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since, I dunno, 2002? 2003? Long time. I first started when I had a state job and had lots of free time as a result.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Anything with Buck The Marine. My brother is a Marine, and he kinda talks, and acts on occasion, like Buck. Which makes the Buck segments all teh funnyer as I imagine my brother saying those lines. A close second are the In My World Posts. Those at times have been so funny, I have cried. Which sounds kinda wussy, but they were tears of mirth, and it is far more manly then peeing my pants from laughter.

What's you favorite political issue? Eminent domain. I view this as an assault on the basic and most important underpinnings of a free society, the ownership of property. If you own property at the sufferance of the government, then you are no longer free. This has been a long held issue for me. I almost married a girl from law school because of her views on Hawaii Housing Authority v. Midkiff (1984) (well, ok, all I did was try to sleep with her, and thus creating among my law school peers the "Hawaii Housing Authority Dating Standard") and started a near riot in my Constitutional Law class advocating armed resistance in Wickard v. Filburn, (1942) and calling FDR a "big fat socialist stooge." Of course, after that only members of the Federalist Society would talk to me anymore.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. A website? Nope not me. Mainly because I am really, really lazy. And because I have no website, that allows me to criticize the websites of those who do with impunity and authority.

Who do you think would win in a fight between a ninja and a Shaolin monk? According to the documentary, "Ninja vs Shaolin", the Shaolin monk would win. Of course, this does not take into account a ninja who was Lee Van Cleeff. In either case, Chiun could kick both they asses.

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If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you're still in the running. Eventually I'll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

Reader submissions:

From Denver Greg:

From TomG:

From FormerHostage:

From AlanABQ:

From Handsome Bill

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

A diarist on Daily Kos claimed to have the secret war plans for an attack on Iran, and the diary became hugely recommended despite how fantastical and easily disproven its claims were. Kos himself ended up berating everyone for being gullible fools. The denizens at Daily Kos do seem to lack critical thinking skills, especially if you look at some of the other recently recommended diaries on the site.
RECENTLY RECOMMENDED DIARIES ON DAILY KOS

Bu$h to Sell Brooklyn Bridge to Fund Illegal War with Iran (Includes Details on How to Buy; PayPal Accepted)

The allegation that the denizens of Daily Kos are of even average intelligence is belied by the fact that John Edwards, the most blatantly phony politician I think I have ever seen, is their favorite candidate. I wish he could win because of the comic potential, but even the majority of Democrats seem to realize how worthless he and his newly adopted views are.

What seemed to have happened is that Edwards, realizing he had to convince a "progressive" party to ignore the woman and the minority and vote once again for the white male, started adopting every liberal cause he could as red tofu to the libtards. The only thing is he's never thought any of them out before preaching them and he lacks any self-awareness. Thus he's preaching about fighting poverty while stealing money from homeless people to buy $400 dollar haircuts. He even came out the other day against SUVs while a quick check revealed he owns (at least) two.

Still, the nutroots supporters are undaunted, clapping like seals while saying, "He's the first one to come out against SUVs! He's so brave!" The facts that Edwards's actions prove he doesn't believe his own crap is of no issue to them.

What this all reminds me of is the show The Office. In it, the boss, Michael, is also completely devoid of self-awareness and is always embarrassing himself and others in huge spectacles -- much like Edwards. But there's this even weirder character, Dwight, who doesn't seem to notice what a huge idiot Michael is and treats him like a god. That's exactly like the nutroots supporters of Edwards.

I'm not sure how useful it is to show that the Edwards spectacle is like something from a fictional show, but it's at least comforting to know that someone once at least imagined something this ridiculous before it happened.

I know I'm a little slow on the ball with the news that Tony Snow is leaving the White House Press Secretary's job, but I think I've come across some interesting reasons why he's leaving.

Oh, sure, he says he's leaving because of the money and to write a few books, but this is Tony Freaking Snow. Unlike Peter Jennings, who raked in money hand over fist while chainsmoking himself to death, Tony Snow stared cancer in the eye and conquered it, eating more bran per pound of body weight than any living creature on the planet (including pandas)

Money means nothing to Tony Snow, who goes to Fort Knox to deposit gold. So what's the real scoop?

Sick of personal grooming duties: Ever since President Benjamin Harrison ordered his press secretary to pick the fleas out of his voluminous beard, the personal groomings of the commander-in-chief have falled under the umbrella of the press secretary. Sure, President Bush is a very well-groomed individual, but Tony drew the line at trimming ear hair and was summarily dismissed.

Scared of Helen Thomas: Okay, so he thought he was tough enough to face down The Medusa of The Media, Helen Thomas. Despite months of training in the Himalayas, sleeping with yeti females while armed with nothing but a toothpick and a bottle of whiskey, Tony crumbled under her hideous, babbling visage like every press secretary before him. Cackling with glee, Helen Thomas will shamble back to her cthonic mead hall under the Potomac and go back to mourning the dismemberment of her son.

Tori Amos: Still won't return his calls.

Ethical problems with Dick Cheney's organ farming: Until the folks at White Sands come up with a permanent artificial heart, Dick Cheney's been going down the transplant waiting list and wiping out all the people waiting in front of him. And who has been the unfortunate soul that plays Igor to Cheney's Frankenstein? That's right: Tony Snow. (Kinda makes sense, since it was on his resume from his days working for Rupert Murdoch)

So there you have it - the God's-honest truth.

I feel bad for Gallagher, because when he takes the job he's not going to be allowed to open up with the watermelon and seldgehammer gag. (He will, however, be allowed to tell Helen Thomas to put a plastic bag over her head.)

Actual headline, and the Shaolin monks are saying they may pursue legal action if they don't get an apology.

Legal action? What they should be telling the pro-ninja internet troll is, "We demand battle! Let's see if our flying dragon fist can silence your lies!" If he doesn't show up, then the monks are proving right be default. Don't they know anything about martial arts?

Okay, so when I first started this job, the owner of the company didn't let employees in technical support take holidays off, but then he let the business go into the crapper, and he got bought out, and the new owners started to notice the huge stack of illegal business practices going on, blah blah blah.

Now, even though I technically get holidays off, I'm supposed to ask for them off. And even though they're supposed to approve those without question, there's always that moment of uncomofrtable silence where you know the person with your holiday approval form is wondering "How the heck am I supposed to run the tech floor with everybody taking holidays off?" and the pressure begins.

That's when I make up Jewish holidays. Because:

Nobody's going to tell a Jew to work on a Jewish holiday

My bosses aren't Jewish.

None of my coworkers are Jewish.

So, Happy Festival Of Aiver Butelt! Welcome to... um...

Nowhere did I put that book about Aiver Butelt? I swear I had it right here... it was right next to my wallet and...

Now where's my wallet?

Sheesh. Sometimes...

Anyway, I'll be taking today off from IMAO because nobody else on this site is Jewish, most of the readership is burger-munching warmongering American (and I'm damn proud of it), and I'd like to sleep until 2 in the afternoon for once.

I'm sick of hearing that these breakfast cereals are a part of a complete and nutritious breakfast.

Know what I'd like to see?

I'd like to see a breakfast cereal that admits that it can never be a part of a complete and nutritious breakfast because it has trust issues. You know, because it was molested by a relative when it was 8 years old, then it was passed from foster family to foster family, growing bitter and jaded.

Or a breakfast cereal that says you'll just sit on the couch and eat it right from the box while playing Halo 3.

I'd like to create a breakfast cereal called: "I'm Too Lazy To Make Waffles For Us, How Pathetic Is That?"

The surprise in the box would be a small mirror you can look at and tell yourself "I'm a bad parent" or "I'm a kid who doesn't deserve good things."

Don't mind me. I'll just be in the breakfast bar aisle, hugging myself and sipping maple syrup from this flask.