I finally made an appointment with my primary care doctor; I just can't take it anymore. The surgery must have messed with my hormones or my anti depressant or something because I am absolutely miserable. I never want to leave the house. I'm never happy and if the sun comes out I'm really depressed. If it's cloudy and rainy and dark in the house I feel much better. I have started showering only every other day because I'm too depressed to do it every day. On the days that I do have to shower I get so miserable and depressed because I don't feel like it but I know I have to or I'll really stink and my hair will be really greasy. Then I do nothing but grab a big blanket, close all the blinds and curtains and sit on the couch and watch tv all day. I don't do any of my "motherly" duties and I cry at the drop of a hat.

I can't live like this anymore. I fooled myself into thinking I was better becaus some days are better than others but I continually find myself back in this condition. This morning I made an appointment with my PC doctor for March 3. I know I'm driving my husband crazy. He keeps telling me I need to eat more (I'm not eating enough) and that I need to go for a walk and I'll feel better. I tried it once and I didn't feel better. I hated it. I couldn't wait to get back in the house.

This isn't me. I'm not one to sit around the house, I'm always the one that has to be doing something. When the sun comes out I used to be ready to go for a walk or go outside and plant flowers. Where did that person go? I don't know if my hormones are off (I've had a hysterectomy and take an estrogen/testosterone combo) or if my Lexapro isn't working anymore.

Does anyone know if you can develop a tolerance to an anti-depressant like you do other meds? I've been on the same one, same dose for at least 6 years.

I really hope I get some help next week. I can't take it anymore....I'm so tired of being sad and no one understands. I want to feel like myself again.Amanda

35 years old

Chronic Lifetime Constipation

Diagnosed IBS - 1995

Rectal Prolapse - February 2007

Rectosigmoid Colectomy w/low anterior Anastomosis - March 13, 2007

Diagnosed with Colonic Inertia - June 08

Total Colectomy - September 22, 2008

Temporary Ileostomy due to small bowell perforation Septepmber 29, 2008

2 ris k, (amanda), I am so sorry to hear you are not doing well. It is a good thing you are going to the personal care doctor. You have been through alot and especially being in the hospital for a long as you have been it can be tough to adjust back to the regular activities and responsibilities that you had, never mind getting back into a routine like showering and cooking, especailly after a long stay in the hospital where you were resting and the nurses did everything for you. I would also check the hormone imbalance as well as the lexapro. When I had my surgery, I had so much time off from everything that it was very hard and took me a while just to get things back to where they were. Also before my surgery, I used to be on a bunch of psych meds and they made me so depressed and dependent it was not even funny. The meds would work for a while and then when they are wearing off, the effects of the wearing off actually make the psychiatric symptoms worse.I hope things go well.Maya

Amanda, it makes me sad to hear that you're sad. (((hug))) You're doing the right thing by seeing your doctor about this. I pray that he finds out what's going on and that there's a quick solution to this.

I know this is a long shot, but there are a lot of people who have had surgery on their small intestine who cannot absorb vitamin B-12 anymore, so they have weekly B-12 injections. I bring this up, because a lack of B vitamins can make you feel depressed. You might want to ask your doctor if he wants to check the B vitamin levels in your blood, too.

Thanks for reaching out to us. You can vent here anytime. You're going to be okay, and you will get better.

Cecilia

Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.Disease-free, medicine-free, and very thankful to be healthy again.

Oh Amanda, I'm so sad for you . I wish I could be with you right now to give you a big hug. I'm glad that you called your dr. things WILL get better. You are making a step in the right direction by reaching out for help. Always remember that we are ALL here for you whenever you need us. You CAN do this Amanda; you've been through so much and I know you can get through this too. Hang in there, it isn't too much longer until you see your dr. You continue to be in my prayers. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

I think that is very possible to say that you are depressed and have very good reasons to be. It's very positive that you have already made an appointment and know that you are not acting like yourself. I've heard many times hormones can affect our moods and on top of all your surgeries, it would not surprise me if you need your medication upped or something else might be better for your situation.

It sounds like you are really trying and that says alot! That person that you used to be will be back, only better, your family will be patient and you will be ok. You've overcome so much already, you will overcome this too!

Take Care of yourself!Theresa

Originally diagnosed with CD in 1991Now saying "Undetermined Colitis"3 step Jpoucher as of 4-15-08

Oh my Friend....I'm so sorry you are feeling bad. {{HUGs}} Probably a good idea to see your PC doctor. Like the others here stated, it could be a number of things going on, all of which have easy solutions...they just have to pinpoint what's going on... Take care my friend and be good to yourself!!...Cheryl

Removal of mesh from bowels (it was piercing holes all through my bowels and appendix and cecum, causing 2 fistulas and heavy bleeding vaginally and rectally)...mesh was removed, two pieces of large bowel removed and resectioned with a loop ileostomy. 2008

I have underlying connective tissue disorder (Ehlers Danloss Syndrome) which is the reason for the two failed surgeries)

Thank you my friends for your loving words of support. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I'm just trying to hang in there for now until next week. I have noticed that the mornings are worse for me than any other time of the day. The afternoons find me feeling a little better. I'm not sure why, but I have noticed it the last few days.

This morning I didn't get out of bed until 10 and then I came downstairs and sat on the couch and ate some cereal, watched tv, and that's it. Then around noon my oldest son came home and I went and put some make up on and combed my hair. I felt a little better after that and I ended up helping him look up some stuff for school. I feel a little better now and the other boys will be home from school soon.

My stomach was so upset last night that I didn't get to bed until about 2am. I have no idea what did it but my butt is so sore!! My stomach is still a little upset, I hope it fixes itself soon. I can't take anymore butt burn!

Cecilia - I want to thank you for your suggestion about the B12 deficiency. I looked it up and you may be right. I haven't been taking any vitamins at all like I'm supposed to. I'm going to start taking my liquid vitamins today and keep taking them and see if that helps. I'm going to make sure the doctor checks that. Thanks!

Anyway, thanks so much ladies. You are awesome, you make me feel like I have real friends. It's hard to find real friends, people who really care. Thanks again.Amanda

35 years old

Chronic Lifetime Constipation

Diagnosed IBS - 1995

Rectal Prolapse - February 2007

Rectosigmoid Colectomy w/low anterior Anastomosis - March 13, 2007

Diagnosed with Colonic Inertia - June 08

Total Colectomy - September 22, 2008

Temporary Ileostomy due to small bowell perforation Septepmber 29, 2008

Amanda, hang in there...I am sure you will be able to work things through with the help of your doctor.

You mentioned that you aren't eating a lot...you may want to try and at least keep some crackers with you. I think I read somewhere that if you aren't eating your stomach acid can be really irritating...could that be causing some of your butt burn problems?

Amanda,I am so sorry you are depressed and feeling sick. You know, most of us on this board have had those feelings of depair because our lives have been so changed. I know I have. I even morn for my colon at times even though it was sick-geez. I agree that a trip to the PC will be wise. Exercise if you feel like it. Exercise seems to be the fix-all for me. You are so cute- I saw your pic on photobucket -and have a lot going for you. Just remember that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm so sorry you're struggling...sometimes it really is difficult to accept and cope with our situation. However, do know that it is very common to become immune to anti-depressants. It also could be that your situation requires a more potent medication. It could definitely also be situational and for a while you may need something a little more powerful. I realize that when I am super overwhelmed or in a situation where I just can't handle everything emotionally I need to change my medication. Paxil is my norm, but for instance during the planning of my wedding I started Effexor. I'm actually contemplating the Effexor again b/c my family is going through a bit of a crisis with my grandma and I doubt Paxil is going to get me through the heartbreak we are all going to be having.

You know, something I feel is helpful is a 911 Card. I make them with my clients for substance abuse, domestic violence situations, depression, anxiety, stress...and I made one for myself just before my surgery b/c I was so scared and overwhelmed. It sounds like you're just feeling sad, overwhelmed, and not yourself. I would suggest writing things on your card that makes you happy, smile and feel good about yourself. Make your card colorful and cheerful. Use your favorite colors and put anything on there that brings happiness. Write a story about someone or yourself that always makes you laugh. Make a list for reasons why the surgery was needed and the positive things that you have gotten back since the surgery. It's also good to have at least three names and their phone numbers of your supports. The best reason for a 911 Card is that when you're feeling down and out it is so difficult to think positively, and since all the positives are on the card all you need to do is pull it out and read it. It's good at just bringing us up from the darkness and bringing some positive feeling. I read mine a lot just before my surgery, and when I was feeling the most scared and was second guessing my decision, it always reminded me of why I had to go through with this, and now that I have there have been zero regrets. : )

I wish you the best, and I am so glad that you are meeting with your doctor and taking care of yourself. I am also very happy that you've posted your thoughts and feelings and are able to acknowledge your need for change. Go AMANDA!!! I also think you're showing much more strength than you think you may have because you talking and wanting to get better. Self-awareness and acknowledgement is sometimes the most difficult thing for anyone to do, and you seem very aware of your needs and what you need to do to get back to you. You are going to be just fine!!! : ): ) Robin

28 year old Mommy of an amazing 1 year old and Wife for 2 years!

Dx-May 2007 Moderate/Severe Pancolitis - failed all medications

Proctocolectomy w/ permanent ileostomy on 02/06/09!!!

"Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open." -Unknown

i'm sorry that things aren't getting any better for you.I really hope you can get some help from your dr.The B-12 thing made me think of something, a lack of vitamin C can sometimes, rarely, cause depression in people. It wouldnt hurt to try.Sending big hugs and good thoughts your way!

Nene - You are right about exercise. Before the surgery and before I got really ill I used to go to the gym every day. I loved to work out. Now I struggle to make myself walk out the door of my house and go for a walk in my neighborhood. I do know how important it is and how good it made me feel though so I keep trying to remind myself that. I went on two walks this week. One was really short because it started raining and the other was a pretty good walk for me considering its the first one since my surgery. I'm going to try to keep going!

Summerstorm - Thanks for the advice on the vitamin c. I am trying everything at the moment. I started taking my vitamins again yesterday; before that I hadn't been taking them at all. It may be that I'm deficient in many vitamins and they all could be causing my mood/emotional problems.

Robin - Did you mean you switched to Effexor or you took it in addition to Paxil? Also, did you notice any sexual side effects? I've been scared to switch antidepressants because before I was on Lexapro I tried ALL the others including Paxil and Effexor and they didn't work as well and in addition I had the sexual side effects (inability to orgasm). Lexapro is the only one that helped me emotionally without the side effects. I guess right now though I need to be more concerned with my emotional well being. I just want to feel better. I saw a commercial on tv for something and it said you take it in addition to Lexapro. I can't remember what it's called though, maybe I'll ask my doctor about that. You have some good advice, thank you. I never thought about needing something extra for a short time, I always considered everything permanent.Amanda

35 years old

Chronic Lifetime Constipation

Diagnosed IBS - 1995

Rectal Prolapse - February 2007

Rectosigmoid Colectomy w/low anterior Anastomosis - March 13, 2007

Diagnosed with Colonic Inertia - June 08

Total Colectomy - September 22, 2008

Temporary Ileostomy due to small bowell perforation Septepmber 29, 2008

I took Effexor instead of Paxil...that's my short-term medication. I do find a labido change, but considering the situation I may be going through it's worth it. However, I have to admit that having a labido change prior to my wedding was horrible. So, a couple weeks before my wedding I changed back to Paxil I find the labido change is not as noticable.

I think it's a great idea to check into something in addition to your current medication. I think it would be beneficial for a few months...just until you get your situation under control and start a happy routine.

: ): ) Robin

28 year old Mommy of an amazing 1 year old and Wife for 2 years!

Dx-May 2007 Moderate/Severe Pancolitis - failed all medications

Proctocolectomy w/ permanent ileostomy on 02/06/09!!!

"Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open." -Unknown

I have to admit I'm feeling much better. My doctor changed my lexapro from 20mg once a day to 10mg twice a day. I think that helps with the absorption. She also started me on 5mg abilify at bedtime and it seems to work great. I also am now taking ambien to sleep and it has helped tremendously! Instead of laying there awake until 3am and sleeping until 11am I go to bed at 10pm and I'm ready to get up by 7 or 8am. Today my back hurts so I'm up early but I slept great.

All in all I am feeling a lot better than I was. My doctor did blood work and checked EVERYTHING you can think of and can you believe it all came back normal? My vitamins, cbc, thyroid, folate, hormones, etc. I was surprised to say the least. I guess I just needed a med adjustment after all.

Thanks for checking on me Cecilia.

Hey are you on Facebook? A bunch of us are and I just wondered...Amanda

35 years old

Chronic Lifetime Constipation

Diagnosed IBS - 1995

Rectal Prolapse - February 2007

Rectosigmoid Colectomy w/low anterior Anastomosis - March 13, 2007

Diagnosed with Colonic Inertia - June 08

Total Colectomy - September 22, 2008

Temporary Ileostomy due to small bowell perforation Septepmber 29, 2008