The thought of you keeps me awake every night
Your presence haunts me in my dreams
Your smile reminds me of the first day of summer
Your eyes are like the sun’s light during spring
Touch as gentle as the winds of autumn
And hair as dark as winter’s nights

Every feature and every curve of yours is painted in my mind
You’ve vandalized my heart with your name
And sprayed my life with the colors of your laugh
But then again, you’re a mystery waiting to be solved
A puzzle waiting to be whole
And a treasure, waiting to be unearthed

Remember those times when you wake up and all you have to think about is what kind of episode your favorite cartoon will be or what kind of game you’re going to play? I miss those times. I miss being a kid. Not having to think about a lot of things nor having to beat a deadline for school requirements. I miss going to sleep and not worrying what I’m going to do the next day. Not worrying about anything at all. But I just took for granted of those times.

When I was younger, I wanted to grow up so bad just to do everything I wanted. Buy all the ice cream I want or toys that I wanted to play with. I didn’t know that growing up means having a lot of responsibilities. I thought adults were living the dream, wasting money for the things that will make them temporarily happy. But I was dead wrong. The older you get, the more responsibilities you have. Life will throw more work and obstacles at you and if you aren’t prepared for that, you’re done. I’m just a college freshman and here I am, complaining how hard life is. I don’t know if it’s because I feel so drained or because I’m just scared. Scared of all the responsibilities.

There comes a time when I just wanted to stop. Stop doing everything, stop thinking and yeah, stop existing. I just want to rest and be peaceful and not having to catch up with how fast life is going. I don’t have any choice nor say in this and all I can do is complain and whine. And that frustrates me to the core. I feel pressured and confused but I don’t want anybody to know that. Because I know that other people’s lives are harder and they have it worse, and that depresses me.

I don’t mind growing old but growing up is a different story. I’m so afraid of commitments and responsibilities that I try to avoid them as much as I could. But they keep following me. They are inevitable. I just want to feel alive and young. I don’t want to grow up now. I don’t think I’m ready for all of this. Someone please take me to Neverland.

I used think that I’m the lowest of the low. That I’m at the bottom of the social pyramid or I’m simply not worth it.

I’m not saying this to get anyones attention or pity because if I do, then I should’ve posted pitiful updates when I first started. I’m saying this because I know that a lot of people feels that way.

They feel like nobody cares about them, or they aren’t smart, funny or as good-looking as the people around them. They don’t feel that they are worth anything. As if they were just put here on earth to suffer. And the only way they can cope with this is turning to self-harm, drugs, alcohol or worst, taking their own lives.

What infuriates me the most is that other people are making fun of them because of this. Instead of helping them to be better, they choose to urge them to continue whatever they are doing. Some would even say “go ahead and kill yourself” which is so not cool. What if they did kill themselves? Would that make you feel better? Of course it won’t. It was taken seriously even if you mean it as a joke. SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY.

Anyway, if you’re the kind of person going through this, just remember that YOU ARE WORTH IT. No matter how other people degrades you. Just keep your chin up and ignore all those negative people. If you feel like you want to cut yourself, listen to “Hold On Till May” by Pierce The Veil. Personally, that song makes me happy whenever I feel sad. Just give it a try.

And if you know someone who is going through this, cheer them up. Talk and listen to them. That’s what they need. Someone who would listen to them without feeling a burden. If they start to cry, hold their hand, hug them and tell them that everything’s going to be fine. It just needs time.

If none of that works and you feel like falling down, look up. He’s looking down at you and thinking, “That’s my child. My brave, brave child”. He knows that you can get through that depression because He believes that you are strong. You are His child, and all His children are strong and brave. But if you can’t handle all the pain and problems anymore, surrender them to Him. He will take care of everything. Just believe. Everything will be okay.

Someday, I’m going to breakdown. All the frustration, stress and worries will eventually consume me to the point that I can’t hold it back anymore. I try to be the strong person that everyone knows. But despite the courage, there’s a little kid at the back of my mind, too vulnerable that a single angry glare will make her cry. I try to hide her. But there are times that she escapes, trying oh-so hard to get away. But she can’t. I could never let her go. The thought of my inner weakness facinates and scares me all at the same time. It brings me comfort, knowing that I’m weak just like other people. But it frightens me, knowing that I could be the weakest person there is. I know I have to let her go, let it all go but I’m scared of what would happen if I did. They say I should take courage. It isn’t easy, you know? Getting comfortable about everything. Going the easy way and just playing safe. Away from all those worries. What I don’t understand is that why am I frustrated all the time? So stressed, so worried? Is it because of that little girl in my head? Oh God, please help me. When the time I finally breakdown and just let all that emotion fill me, please help me get throught it. I’ll cry till my eyes can no longer produce tears, scream till my throat hurts and I might even hurt myself. I just hope someone would come along and take it all away. But for now, I’m just going to hang on till the day when I finally breakdown and release it all. Maybe then I could be genuinely happy. Just like the little kid used to be.