I’ve been holding off on texting/emailing The Pedant lately…I worry that I smother him. When I do text him he’ll usually respond pleasantly enough, but he rarely initiates conversation, so I was trying to back up a little and give him time to come forward. Also, for a bunch of reasons that are probably paranoid/imaginary, I have this conviction that he’s losing interest in me so I really don’t want to hasten that by being all up in his face all the time.

Today, after almost a week of extremely pared-back communication, I broke down and asked him when he’d like to come over next. My rationalization is that it’s best to extend an invitation to The Pedant way before I really need him, since he’s sometimes too busy to actually come over for another week or something. I’m actually doing pretty okay right now but I know the horndog week of my cycle is approaching in a week or two so it’s prudent to plan ahead.

When I texted him offering a clothing-optional DVD marathon at my place, The Pedant texted back “I was going to text you later today to ask what your plans are for this week. :)” Damn, now I wish I’d held out a little longer. It would’ve been so awesome to get a proposition from him for a change.

As you are no doubt aware if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, I am an anxious, overthinky person – so it did occur to me that The Pedant may have been lying with that whole “I was just about to contact you” thing. Even if he was, though, it still means he’s interested in impressing me and keeping me around – he remembers that I once asked him to initiate get-togethers more often and he’s at least pretending he was about to do so in order to stay in my good graces. So I count this as a win.

He probably wasn’t lying, though. I really think he’s a pretty straightforward boy and I just make things needlessly complicated with my overanalyzing and shit.

ANYWAY.

We agreed that a Thursday–>Friday thing worked best for both of us, timewise. I asked what time he wanted to come by and he said “Possibly Wednesday night LOL.” I can only guess that he added the “LOL” because he felt he was taking a risk by asking for two nights in a row so he wanted the option of pretending he was just kidding.

I told him my Wednesday errands are daytime things, so Wednesday night works for me. Turns out there’s a live band he wants to see downtown that night; he says he’ll send me the info and if I wanna come I can, and if not he’ll come by afterward.

On a side note: I feel like a lot of people would see The Pedant as disrespecting me (or me as lacking self-respect) because it kinda sounds like he’s using my apartment as a convenient place to crash. For a while I got paranoid wondering if I should have said no to it. But y’know…he’s asking me in advance, not calling me at 2am as he’s leaving the bar. And I want to see him. And he seems like he wants to see me, too – lots of me – otherwise he’d’ve proposed just a Wednesday sleepover instead of Wednesday and Thursday. It’s probably fine.

In other news, I got called in for a morning art class at the last minute (well, the second-last minute; I got the call yesterday). I pushed myself maybe a little too hard – I was trying to challenge myself to pose in new ways, and consistently chose positions that were pretty miserably painful by the end – but the artists lovedme and that made it all worthwhile. One lady came up to me at one of the breaks and gushed “You’re so strong! And so…artistic!” – meaning, I guess, that I choose poses that are interesting and aesthetically pleasing. At the end of class, the instructor said that with other models he usually has to direct them at least a little bit, but with me he never has to say anything because I have such a good idea of what works.

Here’s how to do the pose I was proudest of today: 1) get a low chair/stool/box and put it beside and slightly behind you. 2) Get down on all fours. 3) Swing your leg up onto your stool or whatever. 4) Bend that knee until your daintily pointed toe is hovering over your ass. 5) Continuing to support your weight on your hands, hunker your chest down until it’s almost touching the ground. Your elbows should be higher than your shoulderblades. 6) Hold for five minutes.

Trust me, when you’re a 160 lb woman in decent-but-not-fantastic shape, five minutes is a long-ass time to stay in that position. Try it if you don’t believe me.

For the longer poses – the tens, fifteens, and twenties – I didn’t do anything nearly that ambitious. You’d be surprised how much an innocuous thrust of the hip or twist of the spine can hurt by the end, though, and I was trying to push the envelope beyond the sorts of things I’ve done before. That’s the downside of having “regulars” at the classes: I can’t keep doing the same poses all the time. Or I can, but eventually my audience will probably get bored. I want to surprise people with new and awesome things all the time. 🙂

After class, I had a first date with another of my FetLife respondents (there was supposed to be a second boy in the evening, too, but he cancelled – and I’m glad, because that would have been too strenuous of a day).

I almost hesitate to give today’s boy a name; so many of them do a fade after the first date that naming them feels kind of pointless or like I’m jinxing it. But it’s hard to write about a guy when he doesn’t have a name (especially since I’m meeting lots of people these days and need to differentiate between them) so fuck it, this boy shall be known as The Baby Duck.

The Baby Duck looks very, very young in his FetLife pictures (though not so much in real life) and is kind of doing duckface in one of them, hence the name. Appearance-wise, he is a weird optical illusion: each of his facial features is lovely on its own, yet the overall effect is kind of “meh” for me. Possibly because his face itself is kind of round and I prefer more defined cheekbones. Still, when I’m making out with someone I’m so close to them I can only see bits and pieces, anyway…and he has the most adorable little pixie nose and full lips.

We went to a cafe near my apartment and got smoothies. The conversation was a bit stilted, and at first I thought “Yeah…this isn’t going to go anywhere.” But a little ways in, he asked me to put my palm against his to compare our hand sizes (this happens more than you might think; I’m 6′ tall and my hands/fingers are really long, which seems to fascinate a lot of guys). While our hands were touching, our eyes met and it suddenly clicked that The Baby Duck was attracted to me. Probably the hand thing was an excuse to touch me.

We sat in the park and talked some more, and during the course of the conversation TBD dropped nice little compliments here and there in a charmingly awkward fashion – like blurting out “You’re really witty” when he was in the middle of laughing at one of my jokes. And then smiling shyly at me and looking away again really fast. Rawr.

I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass (I feel like it did with The Doll…) but I decided to keep on seeing TBD, not because I’m necessarily super into him but because he seems like he has a good head on his shoulders and I think his looks might grow on me.

At the bus stop, we exchanged phone numbers and talked about hanging out again soon. We hugged goodbye and then, spontaneously, I decided to kiss him. And ohhhh my god those lips. So nice. One or the other of us kept going back for more, and he introduced a bit of tongue and pulled me a little tighter against him. My hand sneaked up and wound itself in his hair, not exactly pulling, just…asserting itself. His hair is shaggy like Scott Pilgrim’s, and thicker than I’d realized. Perfect hair for grabbing fistfuls of and steering a boy’s head.

To my delight, an hour or so after I got home, TBD texted me that he’d had a wonderful time and hoped to see me again soon. And! I suggested next weekend and he said okay without waffling and being vague. Specifically: we are reserving Sunday for each other. This seems promising.

I’m a little worried that I’m settling; I didn’t feel a super-huge spark physically or intellectually. It’s more like “Yeah, this’ll do. I want someone to play with and the guys I feel really attracted to keep disappearing, so…” Which would be fine, except that my particular brand of dominance is directly linked to my arousal. I need to be really into someone and really turned on in order to reach that fever pitch of wanting to destroy them. Sometimes if I try really hard I can manufacture the necessary oomph by being super self-centred and telling myself “this boy is an object I can do whatever I want to” but I don’t want to objectify someone like that; I want to be into him as a person and then pretend to objectify him. And anyway, I don’t think I can sustain a forced attraction for that long – which is probably why The Doll and I had a few good makeouts and then things fizzled.

But The Baby Duck’s kisses were a warm and pillowy little slice of heaven, and although I wasn’t feeling any crotch-response during them, it’s entirely possible that I just had my guard up. We were in public, I’d just met him, he might not stick around, etc.; things like that make it hard to relax and let go sometimes. My libido is an elusive bastard.