[04-07]The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line (FromジョーイToチャンドラー)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone except Joey and Chandler are there eating breakfast.]

Chandler : (entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture!

Ross : Y’know if we ever go to war and you’re captured, you’re in for a big surprise.

Chandler : It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y’know? I mean it’s bad enough that I’m in love with my roommates girlfriend—which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we’re in the room together there’s this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I’ve seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, she’s smooth! Smooth! (leaves)

(Pause)

Phoebe : Wow! Could everyone totally see up his robe?

All : Yeah! Oh my God!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting a phone number from a woman (Casey) as Chandler watches from the doorway.]

Joey : No, things are fine with Kathy. I’m having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with Casey.

Chandler : (shocked) What?

Joey : Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by myself! (Laughs)

Chandler : Wait! You’re going out with Kathy!

Joey : Yeah. Why are you getting so upset?

Chandler : Well, I’m upset—for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He can’t believe he just sad that.)

Joey : What is the big deal? It’s not like we’re exclusive.

Chandler : Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she’s-she’s smart, and funny, and gets you.

Joey : You got all that from the back of her head?

Chandler : All right look, I think it’s time for you to settle down. Y’know? Make a choice, pick a lane.

Joey : Who’s Elaine?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch playing cards, and Phoebe is working on a new song.]

Phoebe : (singing) “Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of ease…” Darn it! Now, I don’t know who to get to the next verse.

Ross : Oh, you could just go uh, “greatest of ease… (plays air guitar) BAH-bah-bha-bhannn.” Then go right into it.

Phoebe : Yeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How do you know about ‘bah-bah-bha-bhan?’

Ross : Well umm, y’know, I used to play.

Phoebe : Oh yeah, that’s right, the keyboards, huh?

Ross : Yeah, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean that’s-that’s when I really found my sound.

(Monica is taking a drink as Ross says that, laughs, and snorts her drink.)

Monica : Oh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth it. Oh my God, I completely forgot about your sound.

Ross : Yeah.

Monica : He used to lock himself in the basement for hours. No one was every allowed to hear, “The Sound.”

Phoebe : I wanna hear “The Sound.”

Ross : Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven’t played in so long, and-and, well it’s-it’s really personal stuff, y’know?

Phoebe : Come on, play that funky music white boy.

Monica : Yeah!

Ross : No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are all the way up in—No, yeah, okay. (Runs out.)

[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut, “The Sound.”]

Ross : Okay, guys.

Chandler : All right! Bring it on, you…

Ross : Here we go. (Plays one note) Y’know, I’ve-I’ve never played my stuff for anyone before, so it’s important that-that you understand it’s about communicating very private emotions. (Plays another note) Y’know, umm, you should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. That’s what I’m…

Chandler : (interrupting) Oh my God! Play!

(Ross starts to play. He plays a key that has a back beat sound attached to it. Over the background music he plays the sound of a barking dog, a mooing cow, a laser beam, someone coughing, a jackhammer, a doorbell, a police siren, a ray gun, breaking dishes, and for a closer he plays the sound of a loud crash. Basically, the music sucks.)

Monica : (At a loss for words) Boy, that was-that was, umm… terrific.

Chandler : Really, bitchin’!

Phoebe : Wow, it was so—wow!

Ross : Really?! I mean, really?!!

Rachel : Yeah, I mean, you should play in public!

Ross : Wow! Thanks, you guys. That’s uh—ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I’ll be right back! Okay? (Runs to fetch them) This is so nice, I’m—I am so… (starts to break up and leaves)

Monica : Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement!

Rachel : Oh, I can’t believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers.

Phoebe : What are you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it’s just, it’s so different from the stuff you usually hear.

Joey : Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene, that’s why I let people watch.

Chandler : Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you okay?

Joey : Well, I’ve been better. But, I’m all right. So you like her huh?

Chandler : Yes, but I-I uh, don’t have too.

Joey : No-no-no, no it’s uh, it’s okay.

Chandler : Yeah?

Joey : Yeah. You know why? ‘Cause you can to me first.

Chandler : Well, I thought that would be the best thing to do.

Joey : But hey, listen just so you know, you might have you’re work cut out for you. ‘Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that she’s into some other guy. So…

Chandler : See uh, that’s-that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is.

Joey : Who?

Chandler : It’s me. I’m the other guy.

Joey : What?

Chandler : Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and…

Joey : And what?! Did you sleep with her?!

Chandler : No! No! No! I just kissed her.

Joey : What?!! That’s even worse!!

Chandler : How is that worse?!

Joey : I don’t know! But it’s the same!

Chandler : Look, I’m sorry! But there’s nothing I can do, I think I’m in love with her!

Joey : Who cares?! You went behind my back! I would never do that to you!

Chandler : You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.

Joey : Over the line?! You-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

Chandler : Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!

Joey : Is that why you bought all this stuff?! (Chandler makes a face like “Well, kinda.”) Well, y’know what I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and there’s a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that I’m not gonna eat! You know why?!

Chandler : Probably because…

Joey : Because it’s all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And I’m not happy about you either. (The bread maker dings) Oh, and just so you know, I made that bread for you. (Joey walks into his bedroom and slams the door.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is playing his music. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe : Oh my God, he’s lost it. He’s totally lost it.

Monica : (removing ear plugs) What?

Rachel : Phoebe, his music could not get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves.

(Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and gets some applause.)

Ross : Thank you, thanks. (Sits down next to the girls) Yeah, I lost it. Y’know, I’m not gonna play anymore, (to Phoebe) would you, can you finish my set?

Phoebe : After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help.

(Phoebe gets up and goes to play, Ross goes over and sits down next to Monica and Rachel.)