AS a freelance wordsmith who until recently obtained plenty of work from quangos, my future looks bleak. If there is anyone out there who has no idea what they are doing, or why, and wants to make it sound as though they do know, please contact me: I’m willing to help (for a consideration).

Silken phrases such as “strategic initiative” and “vital civic resource” roll off my tongue (and keyboard) in a torrent. Not sure why you’re spending £2m re-arranging statues in Durham Market Place? Just call it “regeneration”. And to bolster your environmental credentials, always use the words “sustainable” and “eco-friendly”.

It’s also important to “forge partnerships with key stakeholders”. Plus “unlocking potential” is always a good idea.

Never say “solve problems”: instead, say “resolve issues”.
Want to make something sound more important than it really is? Just call it “crucial”.

And finally, remember that the word “meeting” is old hat. The fashionable word (until approximately this time next week) is “workshop”.