April 27, 2005

I’ve never seen anything like it. And, believe me, I’ve seen a lot. I go to a gym where people tend to “show off” quite a bit, but this lady has gone a step too far.

As background, I started taking boxing and kickboxing classes at my gym every week. It’s a great workout, and I love every minute of it, as well as the good night sleep I get afterwards. I’ve become somewhat of a regular. People recognize me, the instructors make fun of me, it’s great.

There is a woman who attends the Tuesday night kickboxing class every week, and, judging by her rather large, yet well-toned, exterior, she’s been a regular far longer than I have. She has her own gloves, just like I do, but hers are for actual boxing, like the version where you hit people. [side note: I prefer hitting bags, not people.] She wears actual boxing clothing, which is very cool, but also somewhat revealing – pretty much a sports bra and loose pants. And if you’re a “truly cool” boxer, the pieces of your boxing outfit should undoubtedly match. Hers do.

This woman has shown up to class with black eyes and bruises on her arms. Nothing to be alarmed about. No need to call social services. I think she’s actually boxing – in the ring. I saw Million Dollar Baby and I ain’t gonna do it. I ain’t gonna do it, Boss!

So you’d think there would be some mutual respect going on between the instructor and this woman. Our instructor is the coolest guy ever. He’s actually a middleweight champion. But, no. He barely talks to her. I should’ve known something was up.

Now that you have the background, let’s get right down to some good ole fashioned exhibitionism.

At the end of every kickboxing class, we take off our gloves and do some stretches. Then we clap for the instructor and start to gather our things. Meanwhile, the music still plays just because they haven’t turned it off yet. Most people are thinking, I’m ready to go home, get me some water, etc. Not crazy exhibitionist boxer lady. No, she starts dancing to the music, in front of the wall of mirrors, staring at herself.

She dances as if she’s in a strip club and she, herself, is her only audience. It’s as if no one is in the room. It’s not like fun, I’m with my girlfriends, kind of dancing. It’s seductive and sexual. It’s almost dirty. To make it worse, she makes faces into the mirror like she’s actually having sex. I wonder what’s going on under those baggy pants now that I think about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good seductive dance with myself in front of a wall of mirrors on occasion, but I don’t think I’d do it in front of 20 people at the gym. Save it for your cat, lady.

And the icing on the cake. The other day, as I was walking out of the ladies locker room, I spotted her. You really can’t miss those muscular arms. I’m surprised that’s the first thing I noticed actually, because she was COMPLETELY naked. And she was drying her boobs with the HAIRDRYER. Who does that? And why would you do that? Maybe her boobs were especially wet that day. But wouldn’t you know, she was doing it in front of a mirror.

When you get right down to it, I don’t mind outward signs of anyone’s sexuality. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, I am totally distracted by this woman. Am I jealous? Am I jealous that she is able to be so openly exhibitionist? Do I secretly want to be one? I don’t think so… I guess crazy exhibitionist boxer lady bothers me because she obviously gets off on her own body, and that, to me, seems sort of self-absorbed. But, hey, she’s not hurting anyone, right?

Just you wait. Crazy exhibitionist boxer lady, if you ever read this, this is NOT about you. You could totally kick my ass and I, in no way, wish to offend you. Now go find a mirror and rock out. You go girl.

FYI ---

Exhibitionist (n.)1: someone with a compulsive desire to expose the genitals [syn: flasher] 2: someone who deliberately behaves in such a way as to attract attention [syn: show-off]