Opinions Please!!! OT

this is super off topic but I need opinions. I had my 7 yr old dd when I was 17, her father was 16 and was going thru a lot(his dad was dying of HIV and has since passed) after my daughter was born my dad went crazy on her father and told him to never come around and that he never liked him(we had been dating for 3 years), things of that nature. well after that he listened to my dad and never came around or talked to me and smoked a lot of weed. he also had a gf for the last 7 years who hated me and wouldn't let him talk to me. well they broke up and he has started talking to me. he tells me there is nothing he wants or has wanted more than to be in his daughters life. I have never really told my daughter who her father is, I have been dating my current bf since she was 3. my current bf wants me to tell her that he is her father, but I dont think I should lie about that. but I also am scared to let her know her real father because I don't want him to bail again. sorry this is so long...opinions on the matter is appreciated.

this is super off topic but I need opinions. I had my 7 yr old dd when I was 17, her father was 16 and was going thru a lot(his dad was dying of HIV and has since passed) after my daughter was born my dad went crazy on her father and told him to never come around and that he never liked him(we had been dating for 3 years), things of that nature. well after that he listened to my dad and never came around or talked to me and smoked a lot of weed. he also had a gf for the last 7 years who hated me and wouldn't let him talk to me. well they broke up and he has started talking to me. he tells me there is nothing he wants or has wanted more than to be in his daughters life. I have never really told my daughter who her father is, I have been dating my current bf since she was 3. my current bf wants me to tell her that he is her father, but I dont think I should lie about that. but I also am scared to let her know her real father because I don't want him to bail again. sorry this is so long...opinions on the matter is appreciated.

I should add my dad doesn't remember telling him that because he was so upset and just said it in a fit of rage...he doesn't have any problem with him being in my dd's life...right now I am the one not letting him because I don't know what I should do.

I should add my dad doesn't remember telling him that because he was so upset and just said it in a fit of rage...he doesn't have any problem with him being in my dd's life...right now I am the one not letting him because I don't know what I should do.

She will be angry with you if you lie and say your bf is her father when she finds out he isn't. I had a stepdad I thought was my dad until I was 5 and my mom divorced him. I am so mad they lied to me. I always kind of knew though. Kids have a sense about them.

She will be angry with you if you lie and say your bf is her father when she finds out he isn't. I had a stepdad I thought was my dad until I was 5 and my mom divorced him. I am so mad they lied to me. I always kind of knew though. Kids have a sense about them.

well I know she knows, she remembers when she was 3 before I started dating him, but he thinks I can convince her. I have no intentions of lying to her, i dont want her to hate me when she learns the truth, I just don't know if I should let her real dad back in her life...especially since it could mean the end of my current relationship (which is already rocky right now)

well I know she knows, she remembers when she was 3 before I started dating him, but he thinks I can convince her. I have no intentions of lying to her, i dont want her to hate me when she learns the truth, I just don't know if I should let her real dad back in her life...especially since it could mean the end of my current relationship (which is already rocky right now)

Definitely don't lie to her, you need to explain your thoughts to bf so he stops pushing the matter. When your daughter wants to, she can decide whether to call him dad. As for bio dad, where has he been the last 7 years? If he wants to see his daughter, he needs to man up and prove he has staying power. I think your daughter is old enough to know that he is her biological father, she'll decide who she calls dad.

Definitely don't lie to her, you need to explain your thoughts to bf so he stops pushing the matter. When your daughter wants to, she can decide whether to call him dad. As for bio dad, where has he been the last 7 years? If he wants to see his daughter, he needs to man up and prove he has staying power. I think your daughter is old enough to know that he is her biological father, she'll decide who she calls dad.

she has been calling me bf dad since she was 4...she started that on her own...and bio dad has been living like 20 mins away with his gf...now he basically says he would do anything to be in her life...I believe him...I just don't know how to go about it all.

she has been calling me bf dad since she was 4...she started that on her own...and bio dad has been living like 20 mins away with his gf...now he basically says he would do anything to be in her life...I believe him...I just don't know how to go about it all.

Welllll....ummm do what you feel is right. Is he a pot head or occasional smoker? Will he leave her life again if he hooks up with another controlling woman? Why is your current SO so insecure about your DDs father being in the pic?

Welllll....ummm do what you feel is right. Is he a pot head or occasional smoker? Will he leave her life again if he hooks up with another controlling woman? Why is your current SO so insecure about your DDs father being in the pic?

he doesn't smoke pot at all anymore...he used to but he gave it up... I believe him that he really wants to be in her life...he was 16 before, he was a kid...now we are adults. his dad raised him and his 3 sisters, and he was a great dad until he passed, bio dad wants to be a great dad like his dad was for him. and my bf is probably insecure either because bio dad was my first love and he is scared if he is in my life I will go back to him...or because I've recently lost a lot of weight and now he is super jealous of anything and anyone...

he doesn't smoke pot at all anymore...he used to but he gave it up... I believe him that he really wants to be in her life...he was 16 before, he was a kid...now we are adults. his dad raised him and his 3 sisters, and he was a great dad until he passed, bio dad wants to be a great dad like his dad was for him. and my bf is probably insecure either because bio dad was my first love and he is scared if he is in my life I will go back to him...or because I've recently lost a lot of weight and now he is super jealous of anything and anyone...

Maybe a family therapist might provide some good insight. Since it affects your daughter for the rest of her life it should probably be well thought out what is best for her in the long run. Maybe you and current bf should see one too so you can try to determine if it's even worth keeping him around for the major change that will happen. Going from dad to step-dad will probably be difficult since he's been around so long. Lots to think about. It just seems like a professional might be your best bet in figuring it all out, maybe a lawyer too if you feel it's headed in the direction of sticking with bf and bd wanting visitation. Good luck. I'm a stepmom and a mom so I'm familiar with the feelings from both sides.

Maybe a family therapist might provide some good insight. Since it affects your daughter for the rest of her life it should probably be well thought out what is best for her in the long run. Maybe you and current bf should see one too so you can try to determine if it's even worth keeping him around for the major change that will happen. Going from dad to step-dad will probably be difficult since he's been around so long. Lots to think about. It just seems like a professional might be your best bet in figuring it all out, maybe a lawyer too if you feel it's headed in the direction of sticking with bf and bd wanting visitation. Good luck. I'm a stepmom and a mom so I'm familiar with the feelings from both sides.

I've had both a stepmom and stepdad, as my parents divorced when I was very young. I am currently a stepmom as well, so I am well-versed on step-parents. Don't turn the bio dad away. He was young (you both were), and sometimes it takes a while for someone to "grow up". He should have a chance. Start small, monitored visits kind of thing. See how it goes and go with your gut on how to progress. As for your bf, it's hard because he has been the only man in dd life, but he needs to understand that she has a bio dad too, and they both deserve a chance to get to know each other. She will still love bf and know he is there for her. Just reassure him of that, and that he still gets to spend the majority of the time with her; bio dad isn't around at night when the monsters come out, when it is storming, or when she is sick, etc. He is. Your situation will take some time for everyone to adjust, but it can work.

I've had both a stepmom and stepdad, as my parents divorced when I was very young. I am currently a stepmom as well, so I am well-versed on step-parents. Don't turn the bio dad away. He was young (you both were), and sometimes it takes a while for someone to "grow up". He should have a chance. Start small, monitored visits kind of thing. See how it goes and go with your gut on how to progress. As for your bf, it's hard because he has been the only man in dd life, but he needs to understand that she has a bio dad too, and they both deserve a chance to get to know each other. She will still love bf and know he is there for her. Just reassure him of that, and that he still gets to spend the majority of the time with her; bio dad isn't around at night when the monsters come out, when it is storming, or when she is sick, etc. He is. Your situation will take some time for everyone to adjust, but it can work.

I agree, don't lie! Start small. Sit down and talk to BF at a neutral place like a park or something, while she's not around an tell him you feel like the right thing is to let DD start to see dad, give it a try. She can call them both dad if she wants. I hate that your relationship is already rocky. Give bio Dad a chance....he would probably make a great dad now that his dad is gone. CARELESS kids sometimes make GREAT adults/parents.

I agree, don't lie! Start small. Sit down and talk to BF at a neutral place like a park or something, while she's not around an tell him you feel like the right thing is to let DD start to see dad, give it a try. She can call them both dad if she wants. I hate that your relationship is already rocky. Give bio Dad a chance....he would probably make a great dad now that his dad is gone. CARELESS kids sometimes make GREAT adults/parents.

If I were still held responsible for everything I did wrong when I was a teenager I would be grounded for life. 16 is a really young age to be thrown such a monumental responsibility. While I think it sucks he didn't step up then I think giving him a second chance is warranted and he can choose to do with it what he wants. I think it is honorable that your bf wants to be her dad but she needs to know the truth. My best friend has a dad and a step dad. Her real dad is not the best and she doesn't talk to him any more but is very close with her step dad and considers him her real father.

If I were still held responsible for everything I did wrong when I was a teenager I would be grounded for life. 16 is a really young age to be thrown such a monumental responsibility. While I think it sucks he didn't step up then I think giving him a second chance is warranted and he can choose to do with it what he wants. I think it is honorable that your bf wants to be her dad but she needs to know the truth. My best friend has a dad and a step dad. Her real dad is not the best and she doesn't talk to him any more but is very close with her step dad and considers him her real father.

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