We often banter about how different Chris’ life would be if he wasn’t married to me. He wouldn’t be pursuing his education, nor would he have kids, much less a clean and organized home. If Chris were left to his own demise, he admits, he’d probably live in a fixer upper with motorcycle parts all over the kitchen.

What’s handier than fixing a carburator while heating up leftover pizza? 🙂 Good thing God declared it isn’t good for man to be alone. Then He said something so profound, “I will make a helpersuitable for him,” (Genesis 2:18).

Let me be a word-freak here for a moment and explain: The Hebrew word translated “helper” that is used for woman is ezer. It is derived from the Hebrew word used of God and the Holy Spirit, “azar.” Both mean “helper” – one who comes alongside to aid, assist or rescue. Ezer appears twenty-one times in the Old Testament. Two times it is used of the woman in Genesis 2, and sixteen times it is used of God or Yahweh as the helper of His people.

In other words, we aren’t the lesser sex, we add to our husbands and God makes us complete. We make up for what he lacks. For me, it means I’m a part of him, in tune, a melody and yet when he stumbles or encounters the unexpected, it sucks the breath right out of me. The best possible way to help our husbands and strengthen our marriages is by praying.

As we continue to read Adam Hamilton’s book, LOVE TO STAY, I’m realizing just how critical prayer is. I want to be intentional in our relationship, to help him be the man God is shaping him to be. Not only that, but I want my children to see what a healthy marriage is. If you aren’t sure how to pray for your husband (or your future husband for all you single ladies!), here is how I use scripture to pray over Chris.

1.

He would trust God’s plan, not his own. {Jeremiah 29:11}

2.

His integrity {Proverbs 11:3}

3.

That God is his strength {Philippians 4:13}

4.

That he finds favor with his boss and co-workers. {Genesis 39:4}

5.

He will be an example for God. {Ephesians 5}

6.

His relationship with his kids is deepened. {Proverbs 1:8}

7.

That he would seek wisdom. {Proverbs 9:9}

8.

That he would continue to lead our family and God is glorified in our marriage. {Titus 2:7}

9.

That he would lean on Jesus in his trails. {Psalm 46:1}

10.

His Future. {Psalm 119: 105}

11.

That he would be surrounded by friends, family who build him up. {Proverbs 13:20}

Something is different. I’m different. Chris is different. Not wrong–just different. To be honest, marriage has been tough lately. When we were teenagers, it was “us” tackling the world together. Now it’s like, “You wanna what? Have you lost your mind?”

When I was dating Chris, I loved being “Chris’ girl,” I dreamed of memory making moments: we would sip wine on the back porch as our kids slept soundly. He would always share his deepest secrets and I would always look ready to roll in the sheets. Well… let’s just say it’s not that way 24-7. Instead, we have kids with special needs and don’t sleep soundly. I don’t want to roll in the sheets because I’m not fond of being a size 10 or the fact that I’m tired, stretch marked and want to write.

These moments are rare, but rare is what we look forward to. It’s the inbetween everyday moments that get to us. We know marriage takes work and sometimes we aren’t sure where to start. One must have in any marriage is tools. Good tools, like this new book we are reading together.

What’s the secret to a long-lasting marriage? Whether you explain it in psychological or spiritual terms, there is a connection between God and marital happiness. There’s even a connection between sexual frequency and prayer.

Hamilton explores why some marriages flourish and some fizzle. With divorce rates between 40 and 50 percent, many of today’s couples struggle with not only staying married, but also staying happily married.

In this eye-opening book, Love to Stay: Sex, Grace, and Commitment , best-selling author Hamilton delves into issues and sensitive topics faced by real people and real couples, “We live in a culture where people are used to seeking out things that make their daily duties fast and easy. But one of the most important things about love, marriage and sexual intimacy is that it’s hard work,” says Hamilton. “When we fall in love, it seems so easy. But maintaining love over decades – that’s another story. Most couples have seasons when they fall out of love. Most report that their sex life seems boring at times. Nearly every couple has times when they think about calling it quits. Most fight fairly regularly. But those who don’t give up, who work on their marriage find profound rewards.”

As he wrote Love to Stay and developed the companion DVD study and guide, Hamilton drew on several sources: Biblical scripture; advice from leading relationship experts; wisdom gleaned from the real life experiences of hundreds of couples who have discussed their marriages with him over the years; and the personal, and often humorous, experiences from his own marriage. Love to Stay also features exclusive research findings from Hamilton’s Love, Sex, and Marriage survey, which invited both single and married participants to describe highs, and lows, in the areas of love, sex, and marriage. The more than 5,000 respondents answered questions on everything from cause of conflict to frequency of sexual intimacy across each decade of marriage.

Doesn’t he look thrilled? Chris actually likes the book but despised cameras 🙂 At least that’s how we felt until we read the first few pages. I’ll let you know my thoughts on Friday when I give away a copy, but I can tell you, I’ve highlighted, dog-eared and circled phrases that have been eye-opening already. Here are some questions for you?

The sun is setting, sending swirls of fiery gold across the sky. The wind is blowing, causing my hands to tremble under the weight of my weapon. Breathing out, I steady my hands and take aim. I hear my husband speak but I drown out his words and focus. Barely two seconds pass before my arrow hits the target with deadly accuracy. In triumph a smile spreads across my lips as I turn and wink at my husband.

“Beat that, cowboy,” I smirk stepping back so my husband can take his turn as he slaps my on the rear and takes position.

We are an archery family. We also have a hobby of shooting guns, in fact our 13-year-old took 2nd place in 4-H. I’ve always loved it and is one of the many fond memories I have growing up with my dad before my parents divorced. There is something about loosening an arrow that satisfies a fire within my spirit. The same goes after I hear my bullet hit the target mixed with the smell of bullet powder in the same moment. It calms everything on the surface and creates clarity out of the tension, to-do lists, and daily chaos of life. Maybe, I’m slightly off my rocker here, but it saved my marriage.

Years ago when my husband and I were barely speaking, the thought of separating came up time and again. Overnight my husband and I went from being high school sweet hearts to a married couple expecting our first child; neither of us had a chance to find ourselves–much less grow up. We would come out to Cottonmill and practice with his bow. It was the one activity we could enjoy. Instead of becoming each other’s targets with resentment and misplaced feelings, the bullseye united us on the forefront as our common enemy. There–we shot our arrows of frustration and anger. And believe me we had a lot of frustrations.

The friction of trying to mesh our lives together and grow into ourselves constantly pulled at the seams of “us.” But on the target field, we were on common ground. As the years passed by, Chris and I grew up, we created a life together, standing side by side. Making a marriage successful is hard work, and I for one, am so thankful we didn’t give up on each other. Sadly, I know so many couples whose marriages fall apart after children come along.

Often we would pray to be the best parents for our daughter and to understand each other, even when we felt like we were living with a complete stranger.There were days when I found myself praying not to throttle my husband many times too.

And while I say that a successful marriage is an accumulation of the simple things, I’m always reminded you have to do the simple things each and every day of your lives together to make it work, even if it means taking aim–together.

That’s right ladies, I said it, well more like typed it, I had a red hot love affair. Hold your horses, it’s with my husband even though we have three wild kids. Remember the nights before children? You planned everything, right down to what you would wear to bed. The evening was full of candles, yummy delectables, and lots of cuddling.

Flash forward twelve years later, by now the idea of getting dressed up for your hubby is a thing of the past, comfy sweatpants or flannel P.J’s mark your evening wear and if your husband even gives you ‘the wink’ that he’s in the mood, he gets an eye roll from you.

What happened to that passion? What about all the hype on TV with steamy scenes and romances? That is all it is, HYPE! There is no such thing as Fabio, much less a perfect spontaneous evening of passion behind closed doors. And it’s not our man’s fault that we aren’t in the mood, well partly!

After being married for 12 years, I’ve learned a thing or two to keep the fires burning. Just last week, our romantic evening was nearly ruined as my husband stood atop a chair in the hallway at one a.m. trying to muffle the sounds of the fire alarm with his towel.

So What Should She Do?

My husband and I have learned it is about communication and turning that crock pot on early. Crock pot, you say, what’s that got to do with marriage? Everything! We ladies are crock pots while our friendly counterparts are more like bottle rockets. If you both want to have a great evening and reconnect in the bedroom, it starts early in the morning.

So what’s a woman to do? Tell your man about the things that give you butterflies. Is it a hand written note, a text message, a phone call just to say Hi? Maybe you’re a bit more high maintenance (there’s no shame in that), so you prefer flowers, and a nice dinner out?

Her Red Hot Night

Let me give you the details of our smoke filled evening and maybe you can kindle the fires in your home. My husband commented the night before our romantic night that he was in the mood. I rolled over and told him maybe tomorrow and to turn on the crock-pot. (Crock-pot is code for, I love you, would love to do that with you but right now I’m tired and am not emotionally connected to you.) The next morning, I wake up to freshly ground coffee and a sweet kiss before he heads off to work. The day is filled with text messages about both of us looking forward to some alone time. That evening, Chris cooks an amazing dinner filled with shrimp cocktail and putting the kids to bed early.

After the noise and restlessness of the kids settled to a dull roar, he draws me a bath, complete with candles. In the meantime, Chris phases our bedroom into romance mode, candles, soft lighting, and a new outfit he bought just for me. As we make way to our bedroom, the fire alarms aren’t just going off in my head, they’re going off all over the house. Two hours later, we get to go to bed, after rewiring and installing new batteries into our fire alarms.

Tell Him What She Likes

Like I said, the hype you see on TV is just lots of hot air. If you want a great evening with the hubby, plan it. Tell him ahead of time what turns your crank. For me, it’s candles, not having to make supper, and a hot bath. The new outfit was a plus and the fire alarms were just part of our adventure. For you, it might be an evening out of the house. Either way, tell your man about it!

Maybe you can try out your own idea of a red hot love affair with your husband. Why not leave this post lying around for him to perchance read? Otherwise, tell him if he expects fireworks, turn on the crock-pot at least eight hours before!

Text message: I don’t know if I should go mom, I don’t want to drop Tori off and get Dad sick. I texted to my mother-in-law Friday morning. Chris and I were thrilled when Carolyn of My Bridge Radio called to give us a free package to the Weekend To Remember Marriage Retreat in Lincoln. We had wanted to go for years.

Of course, when I woke up that morning, my thoughts moved to packing and sending the kids off to grandma’s while I smiled, knowing I would be picking my husband up from the airport and and spending time with him A.L.O.N.E. all weekend. As I shuffled out of my room to wake up the kids, the smell of spew and pooh invaded my nostrils. Gross, I know, you should have been here!

I opened the door to Tori’s room to find a lovely mess of those two yucky things all over her room and all over my poor little girl. All morning I debated on going. Have you ever been in those shoes? What’s more important? An opportunity to spend the weekend, strengthening your marriage, or being mommy nurse?

I honestly struggled. I didn’t want to leave my poor sick little girl with grandma, after all Tori NEEDED me. So I decided to take a poll on our fan page, Her View From Home.

So at what point does your marriage come first or your children? My husband and I are supposed to go to a marriage retreat for the weekend but my daughter (3) woke up with the flu. Should I stay and be a mom or go and let grandma take care of her?

Angela Sorensen Thomas My motto is…if you don’t take care of yourself and your marriage there will be no one to take care of the kids. Think about the instructions given to you on an airline flight. If the Oxygen masks come down put your own on first before attending to your child.

Darcie Reed If attending a Weekend to Remember, it a priceless investment to your marriage. We attended our first retreat last year. Incredible!!! I’m sure fever will be gone, as soon as Grandma arrives 😉

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Baby….

How often do you and I get our roles reversed? Does your husband come first or does he get your left overs? I’m sorry to say, my dear hubby had been getting left overs for quite a while. It’s not hard to forget your priorities when you’re dealing with a preschoolers, babies, the PTA, and my own personal calling of writing. Before I knew it, my focus wasn’t on what brought me this happiness; it was on making the listed above my priorities.

Crash Course Refresher

Time to review. While being at the retreat, we got to have 1.5 hours of testosterone free fellowship while listening to Heather Conway remind us of our priorities. If you want a great marriage, unspoiled-self-centered kids, then put your husband above them. Here’s the list:

1. God

2. Husband

3. Kids

4. Passions

Did you notice what comes first? Yep, I had completely forgotten about my time with God in the last few weeks; did you notice the second one? Me too, makes sense, without my husband, I wouldn’t have my kids–it takes two to tango you know!

How does a woman become the wife and mother God designed her to be? She orders her priorities in this order and then everything else in her life (outside activities, career, volunteer work) centers around the first main priorities.

Thankfully for me, Grandma was willing to see the wisdom in taking my sick kiddo along with my other two busy kids. There’s nothing like guilt and an upside down list to make any woman wonder what happened to her life. This weekend opened my children’s eyes to the fact that I love their father and our marriage comes first. It’s an example I hope to set for them when they one day grow up, get married, and have kids. Kids who see their parents putting each other first will have a healthier view of marriage and know how to prioritize.

With that, I’ll leave you with a verse that helps put all of this into perspective:

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. – Proverbs 31:28-30.