Don’t shake my hand hard. The firm handshake is not welcomed here. I will rebuke you if you squeeze me too much. Better yet, don’t touch me. You will get an earful. Don’t assume people aren’t in pain all day.

I give up trying to hold on to my phone. It falls all day. Plastic cups only please. I abhor squeeze bottles in the shower. Is this a joke? A wet slippery shampoo bottle that I have to squeeze. Get the fuck out of here.

Please get the door for me. Turning knobs can be tricky. Every year for Christmas I’ve been asking for robot hands.