So where is your wayward Heisman, Reggie Bush? Is it with the Holy Grail, Ark of the Covenant, Noah’s Ark, Maltese Falcon? Is Jimmy Hoffa holding it for safe keeping?

“I’m not answering any Heisman questions right now, so I apologize,” says Reggie.

That’s a great answer. He should remain mysterious and hang onto the trophy — if he knows where it is, and I’m sure he does. Don’t give back what you’ve won. As Gen. Patton said in the movie: “I don’t like to pay for the same real estate twice.”

As we all know by now, Bush, the former Helix High and USC great who will bring his serpentine running style back to San Diego on Sunday — this time for the Miami Dolphins when they meet the Chargers — won the Heisman in 2005 (he also should have captured it in 2004, when he personally bailed the unbeaten Trojans out of at least four games).

The tailback then said he would return it when the NCAA alleged he had received improper benefits and also proceeded to hammer USC’s football program with over-the-top sanctions. The school proceeded to totally sever ties with Bush, which was unfair, in that USC itself was deemed at fault in the affair by crack NCAA investigators who have no subpoena power (as far as we know, the Trojans have not cut loose from choirboy alum O.J. Simpson).

This, more than anything, hurt Bush, who had not yet been asked to return the Heisman, but decided to do so. Kind of. It was at the Hall of Champions for a time and it isn’t there now — the Downtown Athletic Club hasn’t seen it and doesn’t seem to mind — so presumably it’s on a tramp steamer heading to Istanbul.

“Obviously, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care, but I do because I have such a strong passion for USC,” says Bush, who has not had the eventful pro career so many people — including Reggie Bush — envisioned. ”I still follow it and still talk to some of the coaches down there. Hey, what happened, happened. If I could go back in time and change everything, I would, but I can’t. At some point in time I have to move on.”

Bush obviously is a big fan of the NCAA.

“I think we live in a world with double standards,” he says. “I think there are some things that need to change and that’s just the way of the world right now. I don’t know what the right or the wrong answer is. I only know what I’ve been through and what I’ve seen. I know there are some rules in college football that need to change.

“Rather than just taking away a kid’s college career, let’s do something to help these kids out. Let’s do something proactive to bring something positive to these kids’ lives.

Bush is more concerned with the Dolphins and their 0-3 start than Heismans. He knows something about winning, which has happened all his life, at Helix, USC and then in New Orleans, where he was part of a Super Bowl champion. The Saints, who never used him properly, chose not to re-sign him this offseason and he ended up in Miami.