Attention Supermarket Shoppers!

1. Don't say "it must be free then" when an item doesn't scan into the register. I hear this line about ten times a shift and it's sooooo clichéd. I hate to laugh at it, though I look like a dickhead when I don't.

2. Never buy condoms. Order them online instead (you can get great bargains online anyway). Because there's nothing more embarrassing for a cashier than to be scanning, you know, Oreos, bananas, paper towels and then...HELLO...condoms. It's very very awkward.

3. (Somewhat related to number two) Always put feminine hygiene products on the top of your cart so that cashiers know what they'll be dealing with from the outset of a transaction. Tampons, pads, sheilds, bags and creams have a tendency to make cashiers extremely uneasy, which may result in us overcharging you or making other careless errors. Again, we completely understand that you need these products, just don’t surprise us with them. Top of the cart, please.

4. If you're gonna start up a conversation with a cashier, make sure this conversation doesn't involve a) The Pats, b) The Sox and C) the weather. Think of something more original; otherwise, keep your mouth shut.

5. Ok, perishables in plastic I can completely understand. Paper inside plastic is a stretch but I'll still give it to you. But double mother-fucking paper??? Do you realize how difficult it is to get a paper bag into another paper bag of the same size? I will tell you to go to hell if you make this stupid request.

7. Here’s the answer to the question that’s been baffling customers for years now: yes, we DO charge you for the salad-bar salad dressing. Just because you got it in a separate plastic container on the side doesn’t mean it’s free. Hopefully this will prevent people from making unnecessary stinks in the future.

8. PLEASE read all coupons carefully before using them at the register. Only a retard from Mars doesn’t know that there is ALWAYS fine print. Especially be on the lookout for such phrases as “On any two product X’s” or “when you buy product Y” because those phrases are basically always there. And, sorry, but pleading ignorance just isn’t going to cut it anymore. Just because you didn’t “see” the catch doesn’t mean we cashiers are going to type in the coupon manually for you. No way. Fuck you.

9. When a register says “12 items or under” it doesn’t mean “20 items or under.”

10. Don’t let your kids “help out.” Granted, they’re extremely cute but they usually end up throwing stuff into the scanner which leads to multiple scans per product which leads to you being overcharged and us cashiers getting cranky. And, by the way, just give the kid the fucking candy bar! It’s bad enough listening to the scanners beeping all day, but add wails and screams and cries and moans into the equation and you might as well consider a cashier like myself a friggin’ Dr. David Bruce Banner.