Monday, April 27, 2009

Rush Hour

We've all seen the scene before. It's the moment in the night that we anticipate.

The music is blasting, the dance floor is full, the drinks are flowing, everybody's feeling great, then the DJ makes that fateful announcement:

"Last call for alcohol!

"

Chaos is inevitable!

The great vibes everyone was feeling turns into udder pandemonium. Suddenly the DJ, who has been on point all night, plays some bullshit you can't dance to like "Elvira" by The Oak Ridge Boys or I don't know, Kanye West's "Say You Will (Chopped & Screwed Version)" to empty out the dance floor and causes a crush on the bar. But before I go any further I'm going to point out some of the players instrumental in the cause of this insanity. There's:

Dirty Dancing Girl who don't want nobody to dance on her.

You know or might be this specimen. You put on your sluttiest outfit, do pole tricks, splits and bend your goodness all out for the world to see. But the second you get a dude to step to you, suddenly the Holy Spirit and entered your body and you don't want that type of attention. Next:

Matching Shirts Dudes

This is an especially sad breed of specimen. For some strange reason you and two of your buddies think its a great idea to not be individuals or show some originality about yourselves, and wear matching shirts. OK I'll give you some credit, you do get attention from chicks, ("Why yall dressed alike?) but in my experience of club hopping since 16, about 80% of the time yall go home empty-handed or with rosy palms.

Obese Girl inappropiately dressed

Do I really need to go into detail about this one?

Baby Daddy Recruiters

This species has multiple offspring from multiple donors and they are now seeking that one sucker, I mean great guy with benefits, to come along and be generous enough to save, I mean help, her and her kids out. They usually don't tell you about the quantity of the kids they have but more about the quality. And it never dawns on them that its 2 a.m. on a school night and they are at the club and their kids are somewhere. And there will probably be a 70 - 90% chance that the person they end up leaving the club with at the end of the night will have already or will soon be procreating another crumbcrusher for us all to take care of.

Free Drinks Girl

Let's rewind the tape a decade or two. Back in the old school if a guy offered to buy you a drink, it was understood that acceptance of the drink was a unwritten and verbal contract between you and the purchaser of said drink that the two parties involved could conversate. IT DIDN'T MEAN YOU HAD TO SLEEP WITH THEM, just talk and see how things went after that. Your denial of the drink purchase was also understood that you were not interested in that party's company.

Now in this "Get it how you live, instant gratification" society, you have what I call "Alcohol Preadators" whose main goal is to get as many guys to buy them drinks as their livers would allow and not pay a dime for it. Nevermind the fact that they showed up to the club at 6:30 p.m. to get in free but now they will gladly let you but them a drink and then happily walk away from you without a Thank You, let alone the "illusion" of interest in you.

These types along with but not limited to:

Superthugs

Fight Club Girls (see Bad Girls Club)

Old Pimps with Balding Gray Cornrowed Hair

Pill Pushers

Pill Poppers

Lil Jon Fan Club Elbow Throwers

and everybody's favorite, The Cougars

Which we will touch on at a different date, leads to that old familiar scene at every club, every Thursday through Saturday night, all over the planet:

Rush Hour

Rush hour is that one hour before the club shutdown in which a fury of activity begins to take place. Everybody bumrushes the bar to get their last few overpriced drinks. Guys who've struck out all night begin to lower their standards and make an attempt to pull anything with (or without) a pulse out of the club. Fights break out, death threats are made to the DJ, and suddenly what started off as a fun night of music, drinks, and merriment turns into a test of survival.

How did it come to this?

Maybe its because we've had a stressful week and need to let off steam. Maybe its our everlasting pursuit to get a nut off. Maybe its every human being's need to feel special or to have some sort of connection with somebody........anybody.

The places change whether its Rumors, Whispers, OZ, Spurs, City Lights, Starz, Dynasty, Jamaica, it doesn't matter, the game remains the same.