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Thursday, February 23, 2012

In this article from Psych Central, Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., looks at some ways to break free from negative thinking - what I might call non-adaptive parts - through reframing our perspective on those voices/thoughts (they originally existed to help us in some way).

All of us have these negative thoughts/voices - and the more trauma we have experienced, or the more neglect as children (physical or emotional), the more negative and destructive these thoughts can be, including compulsive self-hate, cutting, or even suicide.

The key to working with these parts of ourselves, rather than stuff them down or drowning them in sex or drugs/alcohol, is to try to approach them with calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness - when we can do that, we are coming from our Self, our Buddhanature, or our soul (the IFS model calls it Self Leadership, but it is whatever you conceive it to be). That is where the healing comes from.

I
often write about the demanding and criticizing voices in our heads
because they are so amazingly prevalent and I figure just about anyone
can identify with that and almost all of us need support with them.
Every day these voices arise out of habit, telling us “I can’t do that
right,” “I’m never going to achieve that,” or “I’m not good enough.”

More often than not we indulge and get overwhelmed by these limiting
beliefs or as Thich Nhat Hanh says,” we water the seeds of our own
suffering.” The end result is we end up hating ourselves. But what if
these voices were trying to help us in some way?

That may sound crazy, but really, consider it for a moment. What if
these negative and limiting voices were looking after our best interest?

Many of us have past wounds in our lives,
whether it was parent seeming too busy to pay attention to us or losing
someone early in life, or being the victim of assault. Voices start
arising inside us to help us maintain some control over our environments
to keep us safe from being wounded again. These voices may judge us or
others so we don’t get too close and run the risk the danger of either
losing them or being hurt by them.

Or maybe the voices just criticize us so we don’t have to face the
discomfort inside and spend all of our time taking care of other people.
Although at the end of the day, these voices aren’t effective in
maintaining a life of health and well-being, they can be viewed as
really trying to help.

The moment we can see these voices for what they are is a moment of
clarity where we step into the choice to relate to them differently with
greater mindfulness. This space of choice is called The Now Effect
and it gives us immense mental and emotional freedom. The end result is
that we can learn to be more kind and caring to ourselves instead of
damning and hating.

So, rather than damning and hating these voices that keep us down, we
can learn to be a bit kinder to them, acknowledging their presence, and
then choosing a different path. For example, if the voice arises
“you’re not good enough, don’t even try it,” try and notice it and see
it as a part of you that is simply trying to keep you safe from a past
wounding experience.

Whether the negative voices come to you in relationship to abilities
at work, parenting, traveling, procrastinating or issues with stress,
anxiety, depression, addiction or trauma, you can acknowledge and view
this wound coming to life and rather than entertaining it, thank it for
trying to keep you safe and rather than cursing it, see if you can
acknowledge the pain.

In that space of awareness you can get perspective, telling yourself
that you know this is a difficult task, but that was then and this is
now and you’re going to give it a shot anyway.

Easier said than done, but in practicing and understanding that even
our damning voices have the intentions of keeping us safe, we can begin
to “water the seeds of happiness” by breaking the habitual cycle of
sending hate into ourselves and instead sending compassion and care.

See if you can put the Now Effect to work for you and notice how past
wounding in your life may be sending you messages that keep you from
getting too close to others or risking success to keep you safe from
harm. When they arise, thank them for trying to keep you safe. Notice
what a difference this can make than struggling with the messages.

As always, please share your thoughts and comments below, you additions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.