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The Pittsburgh Steelers Don’t Care About the Environment

The most recent fad sweeping the Millennial Nation is eliminating plastic from everyday use, especially single-use plastic. You know, the flimsy forks and knives you get from your favorite Chinese takeout place? A bunch of 20-somethings with sociology degrees are trying to take those away from us. I couldn’t give two shits about the straws, because we know where I stand on that topic.

Well, Millennial Nation has been doing all the leg work to save the world but they somehow forgot to tell Steeler Nation.

That’s right. The Steelers are building a wall, and they’re gonna make the New England Patriots pay for it! I feel like I’ve heard something like that before, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

The big topic of discussion at Steelers camp on Thursday was the massive wall made of plastic tarps constructed at one of the practice fields. Specifically, why the hell is it there?

Head coach Mike Tomlin was evasive about the purpose of the two-story wall at first.

Pressed further, though, Tomlin indicated that he was perhaps concerned about the possibility of Patriots-style espionage.

Wild times, man. We’re living in a world where football coaches have become so paranoid that they’re willing to make their practice facility look like a Hooverville just so someone with a $200 gift card to RadioShack can’t sell their secrets to rival franchises. I’d be willing to bet the foil in Tomlin’s house isn’t just used to keep things fresh in the fridge.

As a Bengals fan, this makes me happy and confident about the season. Only a crazy person that was worried about the status of their team would go to these lengths. If you’re that concerned, move the damn practice inside (a luxury the Bengals STILL don’t have). Running back that won’t show up? Coach that is paranoid that everyone is spying on them? Sounds more like the plot of a football movie or television mini-series, not the current status of a dirty storied franchise that likes to consider themselves the gold standard of the NFL.

I can’t wait for Mike Tomlin’s appearance on Joe Rogan’s podcast where he can talk about chemtrails and his summer vacation with that guy Facebook won’t let post his videos anymore.