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Musing & Personal

I came across some image yesterday and shared them with one of my best friends. Knowing that this made her felt better and that she’s aware, that I’m always there for her no matter what…made me really happy. I really suck at expressing myself verbally or physically, so pictures or poems are indeed a good way to get feelings across. I’m really happy my feelings were understood through these.

And so, I have decided to share “these” with you guys.

I know a lot of you guys are suffering from depression. You feel like there’s no-one to turn to or there’s no-one who’ll listen to you. You think your problems are unimportant and you’re alone. Well, you’re not. I’m here if anyone needs someone to talk to. I love giving advice and listening to people. Don’t ever think you are alone.

They say have faith
believe in you
and everything will be okay
I did just that
But you mocked me
Seeing my smiling face
you wiped it away immediately
My teary eyes
making the heavens rejoice
My wrongs and rights
you know them all
before even a single one could be complete
I pray to you and tell myself
Everything happens for a reason

Where are you? No where to be seen Years and years of struggling and a blind eye You love us all, that’s what you said But in truth There is just a few Still trapped in the dark You refuse to shine your light upon me So this is my reason to live? Will I be driven into my own dark desires? Shall I take life into thy own hands?

Why do you still refuse to answer me? A broken, lost and battered soul Am I still not worthy of you? Just like Lucifer Tempted to be THE ONE not the one to lead an army of unjust But to be THE ONE of many Whom you have bestowed your love upon

Emotions scattered like broken glassAs realization hitsNo matter how much you triedit was never enoughLiving in the shadows of siblingsMore talented, more likedor even better looking despiteobnoxious charactersAgain you listen to praises that was notbestowed upon youAgain you cringed at screaming voicesBlaming you for things you haven’t doneand have doneFor speaking your mindFor existingThe pressure of doing betterof being noticed for onceTime wasted and like alwaysit was never enoughYou were never enoughAnd you now accepted the fact that you will never be enoughYou shut out the worldDrew pretty pictures against membraneSpilled ink on untouched papersYou smiled at the life you hadYou smiled at your smudged reflectionA figure like you stared backEyes that showedhow broken you wereAlone, defeated,Useless, worthlessHow many times you chantedin your mind“I just want to be good enough to someone”How many times were you left alone and reminded you weren’tOne…two or maybe a thousand timeswith a smile that held no story behind itYou studied yourselfYou still couldn’t hide itTears would threaten to spillany time soonand you’ll panic and scratch at your skinlosing your mindYou were doing so wellbut somewhere it went wrongNothing could stop you from feelingand knowing thatYou were and will never begood enough

I was really bored when I wrote this. It’s random and may sound a little stupid but I decided to share it anyways.

It’s okay to feel lost and hopelessUnloved, unwanted and shatteredin a world that has so much to offer yet so much to takeIt’s okay to cry and smileto be angry, excited or boredThere’s just so many sides to a person that is left unexploredIt’s okay to not be okay To throw things, to screamTo let your voice be heard It’s okay to be lonelyNot everyone enjoy the company of othersIt’s okay to be a little weirdBeing normal was so last yearIt’s okay to be scared of spiders, dogs, cats or even lizardsEveryone has something that scares themIt’s okay to be youBeing someone’s clone only leads to misery It’s okay to have weird habits like sucking your finger Screw all the judging eyes, I’m sure they have worse habitsIt’s okay to love meat and hate vegetables- even the oppositeIt’s okay if you like talking to random thingsSome people will judge youbut it’s okayThat’s lifeAnd it’s okay

Since lately, I’ve been having a little trouble posting things and then it hit me that I was having a writer’s block and I was like, “OMG NUUU WAY!!” (ha-ha). Anyways, I know it’s normal for people to have writer’s block but being someone who constantly have ideas or you know….I’m a little sad about it. Most times, it’s not about having lack of new ideas to post but it’s having ideas on what to post but not being able to put it all down in words. This is like my biggest problem. I have so many drafts like it’s not even funny. They are either half done or just done but lack something and sounds off or I’m just not satisfied with what I wrote. I don’t know, I mean this blog is where I can talk about the things I like or dislike maybe, or maybe talk about how my day went or my plans for tomorrow, the future and so on. Yet I find it a little hard to do that or maybe I’m just lazy (ha-ha)….nah I’m not.

So like I’ve sat down and I’ve thought about what I wanted to do and what I don’t want to do…and I came up with a schedule and I thought “Hey! I should have done this from the beginning *sings One Ok Rock’s The Beginning*” because if I did, I wouldn’t really be having this much problem. Again, it’s normal for people to go through this. I don’t normally do the whole schedule thing like everyone since I never needed to but I guess it’s okay to try it and see how it works for me. But the last time I remember following a schedule was for school and that was just…..school.

So I’ll ensure to do at least two or three post a week. I’m still fixing up a bit so I’m not really sure how much I want to do as yet but I think three sounds good….yeahhhhhhh. 😀

Dolls have always been my kind of thing and I don’t mean that in a pervy disgusting kind of way. Growing up I didn’t really like the company of others (still kinda don’t) and for me, dolls were like little diaries that I could write in. But the difference was instead of writing I just talked- a lot. I always felt safe when I rant the deepest part of myself to my dolls. They, to me, were the most loyal friends anyone could ask for. They never revealed my secret to anyone, never got mad at me, always listen to me and most importantly, they were always there.

Reading this you might be thinking “The heck is wrong with this person?!!” or “This person needs some serious counselling” or whatever. But let’s be honest, haven’t you ever felt like that whether it was towards a doll, stuff animals (these are the cutest things ever), maybe action figures etc? I know I can’t be the only one.

I no longer own a doll though and that’s because of my mom she murdered them. The last doll I had, she burnt it saying “You’re too old for these things” (ha-ha). I remembered how angry I was at her for taking away my best friend. I buried the remains of my doll under our tree and held a funeral for her (sounds crazy I know). After that I secretly bought smaller dolls that could fit inside my bag without it being too obvious that I had any. Whether I was home or in public, I never hide the fact that I was really into dolls. I can recall countless times when my mom shot me the LOOK (ha-ha).

I saw these on Rakuten Global Market the other day. And I thought these were really cute. It’s almost as if dolls are humans too.

I know some people treat dolls as just object- some type of thing that they can use to control the behaviour of kids or whatever they use it as. I on the other, tend to treat my dolls (and stuff animals) like real humans. I’ll bathe them, comb their hair, lotion their skin, spray them, feed them and other things you can think of that we humans do. My mom was completely annoyed watching as her lotion, spray and even hair oils got wasted on a doll. She use to threaten me that she’ll take them way if I don’t get chores done or if I keep using her stuff on them. Those were the days 😀

Other than dolls, I do like stuff animals a lot. When anyone ask me what I want for my birthday, it always include “I want a doll or stuff animal”. I still have this one teddy bear I received as a birthday gift from a friend back in high school. Also, there are four teddy bears that my mom always puts on her bed for decoration. I talk to these a lot (ha-ha).

Now I’m 20 years of age and I’m still playing with dolls. I might not own any at the moment but that doesn’t stop me. I do plan on buying myself one soon, with or without my mom’s approval. I’ve already been checking out a few sites and I’m super excited!! Anyways, I don’t think anyone is too old for dolls, stuff animals, action figures, cartoons or whatever. Keep doing the things you love despite the judging eyes and hurtful remarks of people around, because by the end of the day it’s what makes you happy that matters the most.

Do you like dolls too or other things that people think are “too old for you”? I’d love to hear so do comment. 🙂