Letter squirt - I found this on Pinterest but there was no post linked to it when i tried to click through. The picture is fairly self explanatory though so i'll just write up some letters on the easel and let N loose with an empty spray bottle, i'll try to point out the letters but i'm not sure he'll want to listen when there is serious squirting to be done.

Number Sponge painting - Again i found this picture on Pinterest but not linked to a post. I'll set paints set out and some sponges i bought from Wilkos a while back. Hopefully we can learn some numbers while having some fun printing.

So these are my planned activities for the week but if the weather picks up and we can go in the garden then all plans are off and i shall let N run feral!

Sunday, 23 June 2013

I thought I'd had a terrible day when I wrote this post but Thursday night/Friday Morning topped even that. Miscarrying is never pleasant. Your two year old waking up in the middle of it and refusing to go back to sleep doesn't help. It was painful, grim and emotionally distressing. However there were moments of light in the day and that's what I want to concentrate on. It's what i need to concentrate on if I'm honest.It would be easy to wallow and mope and I'm sure I'll do my fair share of that, understandably.But I've experienced real kindness too. On collapsing in the car park of the hospital and my husband having to run for a wheelchair, a woman approached me and practically carried me towards the hospital to meet my husband. A doctor in the lift made sure we knew where we were going. The midwives were kind, considerate and helpful. My friends and family have been amazing, caring for N when i've needed it and phoning or texting everyday to see how I'm doing.

Even people i don't really know on Twitter have been supportive.

This has meant so much to me.The gold star however goes to my husband. He has been patient, kind, caring. He has run himself ragged to make sure that I can rest and our son is looked after. He has a serious aversion to blood but cleaned me up with out complaint. I feel very honored to have such a good man by my side.I can't express how grateful I am for the kindness I have received and despite the terrible circumstances I consider myself lucky. I'm not belittling what I've been through but it helps me to keep in mind that people suffer worse fates, not long ago in our own blogging community a mother lost a child she had loved and held, parents lose children they have watched grow. This would be unbearable. I haven't been given more than i can bear and for that i am thankful.So I'm counting my blessing and looking to the future. I know I'll have dark days but I'll hold on to the kindness and try to give back some kindness of my own.

Thank you if you've been there for me and know that i will try to be there for you should you ever need it.

Friday, 14 June 2013

I’ve been thinking about writing a letter like this for a while. I saw the letter Beth over at Plasticrosaries wrote as part of the blogging challenge in May to her 13 year old self but my 13th year was a BAD one so I couldn’t face that. Then in a twitter conversation between Cas @mummynevasleeps and Victoria @playfuelblog where it was suggested Cas write a letter to her 15 year self sparked my interest. You can see Cas’s letter here and her challenge to write one yourself. This is my attempt.

Hiya,

Now I know you don’t really listen to authority figures and to be honest that doesn’t get easier for you but it’s your 30 year old self, I don’t claim to be an authority on anything so maybe listen for a bit, yeah? I do have some stern words for you to start with. I know I know, I won’t go on.

Start eating! I don’t want to hear that rubbish about saving your dinner money so you have more pocket money. We both know it isn’t true. It’s about control. I know you don’t have nearly enough of this at present but a slice of toast and one meal a day is not nearly enough for an active girl like you. So eat, that pizza at break time always smells so gooood.

Also while I’m issuing orders, start working at school, you’re only hurting yourself by not. Thank god your teachers haven’t given up on you, they see the potential. Please see it in yourself.

Please stop sticking up for your foster mother. She married him; she decided to live with his controlling ways. It’s not your place. It only gets you into trouble. You know challenging his opinion means you lose out, did walking to school last winter in nothing more than your blazer after daring to question his choice of coat for you teach you nothing. You mouth off you lose out, but you can’t keep quiet.

All your quiet space is used up by the one secret you keep; there is no room for anything more. All the rest gets ranted at the world.

I know you won’t believe it but within the next year your life changes beyond recognition. Help comes not from where it should but from where it always has done.

It’s not the average life of a teenager but it works and gives you the freedom to grow up, to live. Don’t listen to the criticisms of your cooking, your little oddball ‘family’ might not appreciate your efforts now but you’ll be their go to guy one day for cakes and comfort food. Imagine that!

I’ll warn you now. You make some terrible choices, maybe ones that people with supportive parents would probably be steered away from but in all honestly, the worst decisions are the ones that lead you to your happiest times. Bizarre but true.

You’ll find love and security. As with most things in life, it doesn’t come easy. He is a difficult package but he is worth it and you are strong enough to deal with him. He completes you like you didn’t think possible. He makes you believe in things like love and trust. They do exist, who would have thought? You tell him your secret and he makes you see things in a whole new light, it isn’t your fault and he makes you believe this. I know you can’t understand that now but it’s true.

And shock of all shocks, not being able to love isn’t hereditary. You can do it and you do, very well.

I know you are dead set against having children and rightly so at your age. But I’ll let you into a little secret. It’s your calling, it’s the one thing you do that feels 100% right. However hard u find it and it is hard. I promise you, you are good at it. Better than you ever thought possible.

So stay strong, change is coming. It won’t all be good but it gets you to a better place. A happy, loving place that you deserve.

Much love, your 30 year old self.

P x

p.s You get a Saturday job in a jewellers soon, do not spend all your spare cash on their entire range of silver jewellery. You loose your jewellery box in one of your many house moves and it all goes so save it instead. And stop rolling your eyes at me…………..

p.p.s repeat after me bad boys are not worth the hassle, tattoos and an attitude does not maketh a man. Um, what did i say....the eyes missy!

This post was written yesterday but i needed a bit of time before publishing.

Today has been a tough, tough day.

I woke up this morning thinking i was 9 weeks pregnant. I'd had a little bit of spotting over the last two weeks, such a tiny amount really. I've literally bleed more from a paper cut. I'm talking specks here.

I wasn't worried, not really, but I'd been referred to the early pregnancy unit as a precaution, due to my previous three miscarriages. But this wasn't a miscarriage. I knew what a miscarriage was, this wasn't it. I had no cramps, no clotting. It was going to be just fine. I was even going on the bus on my own. I didn't need anyone with me because this was all just a precaution. A silly, fuss about nothing. It was just going to put my mind at rest.

Luckily my sister decided she was coming with me, i told her she didn't need to but it'd save me the bus fare so i agreed she could take me. I've never been so glad of anything in my life.

I went into the scan room, the lady placed the jelly on my belly and started to scan. I knew immediately something was wrong. I'd had a scan at 8 weeks with my son, with his scan you could see the shape of a baby, it was like a smaller slightly less clear 12 week scan with a quick, strong flicker of a heart beat. I whispered to my sister that something was wrong, but couldn't get any more words out.

Today there was a largely empty sack with a smudge in the corner, no heartbeat, no tiny baby, just a smudge where my baby should have been. The lady told me she needed to do an internal scan as i hadn't drank enough water, but i knew I'd drank over two litres. She was just double checking what we both already knew. My pregnancy had ended.

They checked and double checked, a second opinion was sought, they were thorough. Measurements where taken and it was explained to me that the foetus was measuring at 7 weeks, the sack was measuring at 9 weeks. They said there could be the smallest most outside chance that they couldn't see a heartbeat because the foetus was so small, it may be small for any number of reasons. My baby may not have died but it probably had.

This is the bit that is killing me. I've got to wait 10 days to find out. 10 days before my next scan. 10 days of limbo. In 10 days time if nothing has happened and i haven't naturally lost the pregnancy i will have to go for a D & C.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm meant to get through the next 10 days. I cant have any hope as i cant have it crushed. I know I've lost my baby. I know in 10 days time they will tell me i have to have a D & C.

I just wish i didnt have to wait 10 days to find out what i feel i already know.

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

I've been absent recently, missing from twitter, from playgroups, from friendships, relationships and sadly I think from motherhood.

I told someone yesterday that I wasn't depressed. It's not someone I normally lie to, not that I lie often but you know the people you answer fine to and the one you tell the gory truth to. Well the person was one of the latter sort.

It got me thinking though. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go out, I can't be bothered with ANYTHING. Cooking has gone out the window, I can't think to plan meals let alone cook them. I'm not keeping up with the housework, even my reading has nearly stopped which is unheard of. My mothering has been hands off at best. Setting up invitations to play out of guilt but then walking away..... There hasn't been as much interaction as I would normally like. N is cuddly and clingy and I know its because I'm distant and he is reacting to this.

Yet I don't feel that dark gloom and despair that depression brings. I feel apathetic, detached, in my own little world.

I'm tired, so tired I could sleep all day and do when N isn't here.

I feel like I'm recuperating, but what from? My fibro was rough for a while but it's ok ish now. I have some other valid reasons for the tiredness but not this blah feeling.

I want to shake myself up! Give myself a kickstart but I'm not sure how.

I don't want to talk to the doctor as I know given my history with depression he will just reach for the tablets and I don't want that. But I do need something, what I don't know but something that brings me in from the cold where I've been stood with my nose pressed up the window looking in at my life.

I know there's a problem, I know how it's affecting me so that's half the battle right? I just need to be able to deal with things now and get back to living.

Friday, 29 March 2013

I enjoyed the new show 'Coming Out' this week. With great comedy actresses like Sue Perkins and Dawn French it's very funny and i loved the turn by Eastenders Dot Branning or Cotton as she will always be to me AKA June Brown.

Some thing that i readWhat haven't i read this week! I am reading Honour by Elif Shafak as part of the @Britmums book club.

I'm also reading Born Wicked as part of a review for @BookAngel_Emma and then my friend has convinced me to read A touch of Crimson by Sylvia Day, the author of Bared to you, a slightly more warped 50 shades which i have point blank refused to read despite my friend begging me to as she wants someone to discuss it with. The first i recommend. The second I'm undecided on and the third you should probably avoid unless you have a thing for big brutish ware wolves, Angels, Vampires and demons. Its got it all going on. My friend loves all that stuff and has dragged me into it, I am a little ashamed by this.

Some thing that i wore

I'm not sure if this technically counts as wearing but BIG news. I found my coral MAC blusher. I lost it a few weeks back and my face has felt pale and wane without it. I'm thinking of buying the Rimmel Apocolip in coral too. I am having a coral moment. Has anyone tried the Apocolip? I'd love to hear what you thought. ﻿

This colour is called Apocoliptic but he shade i like is Luna

﻿

Some thing that i listed too

Does listening to Absolute 90's on my phone while doing the housework really count? I seriously need to get my music mojo back. Even Blue were sounding good to me the other day when i was watching the Big Reunion. Where has my self respect gone, Blue for Christ sake??? I blame my husband. The big girls blouse is obsessed with the Big Reunion. I think he'd go to the tour if i let him : )

Some thing that i can not live without

This week this was one of my oldest friends. We've been friends since we were 13. Oh the trouble we have got ourselves into over the years. She is a teacher now. I cant quite think about her being in charge of a class without sniggering. The fact that her class give her hell is proof of karma if ever there was one. If you follow me on twitter you may have seen i had a crap couple of days Thursday and and today. My friend was witness to the beginnings of a huge family row. It was just so nice to have someone who i didn't need to explain things to as they had been there with me through the years, knew all the back ground, all the players. Just KNEW. Didn't judge, just listened and reasoned with me in the honest no holds barred way a long term friend can.

When looking for a photo and me and Gem to add here, i came across a photo of us sitting in a park on the last day of school drinking Blue Nun from the bottle. Classy Classy girls. I decided it was probably best left out. I want to keep my friend : )