Small wheel loonacy

Believing in small wheels seems rather like believing in anything for which there’s no proof (psychology, god, my Primrose’s headaches): it marks the believer a wee little bonkers. I know Alex Moutlon once satisfied himself that his small wheel bike required 2% less energy than an actual bike, the latter most likely a Huffy from K-mart, with 20psi in the tires and a parachute draping behind. Speaking with sobriety though, no untattooed man could swear on god’s book that small wheels have any place in Cycling Creation, spare the following 5 dispensations: 1. beneath dwarfs, 2. beneath children, 3. beneath bowler hats, 4. on bikes smuggled into your luggage, or 5. beneath Alex Moultin, who I must say looks smashing.Beyond that, this madness must stop. You must stop extending your small wheel bike each time you breed. There’s actually a law against aborting them after they’re born. And please stop riding uphill. Sooner or later you will have to ride down, and have you ever roller skated ahead of a truck? And this business of trying to look like a cyclist with one of these things—why not just blow raspberries, twisting the right grip, and pretend as well that you’re riding a Harley? You’re embarrassing us, even those of us who may be quite drunk as we grapple with problems that some may find trifling. "My small wheel bike changed my life [into one great long info-commercial]."

Gatherings, races, mug lairing for photos as though you’re still 60: all this must end. And finally, you need not go on justifying your moment of mad spending with the 101 uses we might not have thought of, I don’t know, like slicing spam in your spokes, using it as a tent pole, etc.. Sir, it is a scooter with pedals, not the world’s greatest gizmo. I write all this because I miss the comments I used to get from Roberto. I’m lonely you see, and some hate mail from small wheel devotees might just keep me afloat. I refer you to the comments button below 🙂

pie cutters indeed! Small cases: point taken. But small spaces? I feel it behooves not a man’s bicycle to be kept in any room but the largest they own, ideally their living room, leaning in front of the telly. Though I sense we agree.

Forget the telly. Lean it in front of your rear numberplate on a tow-bar hitch. This will defeat the cameras and other plate recognition systems deployed by the secret police to study your automotive comings and goings and tax you for traveling briskly.