Havana, Cuba – For people who love funerals, Fidel Castro’s continued existence has become a real bummer. The Cuban dictator remains in hospital with Hugo Chavez giving foot massages and Noam Chomsky fluffing his pillow. Reuters has become so tired with Castro’s refusal to die, that they have simply announced his death and ignored all the evidence that refutes it.

“We were going to prevent some cancer thingy,” said Castro’s doctor, Dr. Raoul Pedro Stereotypicallatinamericanname Rodriguez. “But we gave him breast implants instead. Who needs health when you’ve got breasts. That’s our motto. Well eh, its n-not our motto i-it’s really my motto… Well actually it was my mother’s… She used to dress me up as a little girl… and make me dance in front of everybody in my village ”

To clear up any confusion as to who is still alive today, UnNews has prepared a list:-