Coronation Street (ITV1)You remember the Ancient Mariner? He shanghaied a wedding guest who beat his breast when he heard the loud bassoon (an understandable reaction, I always felt, for I am not musical). One of Coleridge's better efforts - and powerfully reprised last night in Coronation Street.

Steve and Becky got married in a fever hotter than a pepper sprout, not stopping to wonder why the only date available was Friday 13th. The registrar (Robert Austin) took it very badly. Couples usually gave Friday 13th a wide berth, and he had planned a bracing day on the reservoir ("I've got an 18-footer. It's quite a sight in full sail"). It dawned on you with grisly inevitability that this was the Ancient Mariner himself even down to the grey beard. And he had a captive audience in the groom. They were alone, as the best man had been barred for betting on the outcome and the bride was six sheets to the wind on Thunderclap Cider ("A cheeky little vintage with just a hint of marker pen. £1.99 for three litres").

First the Old Salt tried to scupper the wedding with goose-pimpling yarns. "Take the last one I did on Friday 13th. Packed house ... square-jawed groom ... blushing bride. She wasn't blushing. She'd had a reaction to the hydrangeas in her bouquet. The poor lass must have looked like the Singing Detective in her photos." Failing ("Well, it's your funeral"), he spoke at length about life on the bounding reservoir. "It's glorious out there! Brisk nor-westerly. She'd be cutting through spume like a knife through low-fat bread! Oh, there's nothing like the rise and fall of the briny!" Time passed slowly like a month in the doldrums or a day in Gravesend. "Well," he said at last, "I'll be out on the poop."

The bride arrived finally like a pink hot air balloon, with Roy and Hayley hanging helplessly on to her ropes, and deflated at his feet. "This is Weatherfield not Las Vegas!" said Captain Implacable, grinding a tooth or two. And weighed anchor. There is probably something in the small print about not getting wed while legless.

So. The bride thinks she is married and the groom knows they are not. Which sounds like the best of all worlds to me.