Tag Archives: lovers’ tiff

Habit is the enemy of romance, but rituals provide a structure in which romance thrives.

Currently, I have a goodbye ritual – sipping coffee and chatting in a lovely cafe before kissing goodbye. I wrote about it a little while ago http://bit.ly/1iKs6Wt

Its a gentle way to part from a lover after a couple of days in each other’s company.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I said goodbye without that ritual. On this occasion, we parted without visiting the cafe. There were kisses for sure, but they were exposed to the sharp air of sudden separation. I convinced myself that this wasn’t a problem. I would be mature about it – I would simply acknowledge my feelings and that would be enough.

But it wasn’t. The sharp air of separation stayed in my lungs and grew into irritation. Three days later, sharp air became the sharp words of a lovers’ tiff.

The balance of energy between lovers is delicate. Rituals help to keep that balance clear and in flow. My goodbye ritual works, but I ignored it and experienced the fallout. I know that gentle goodbyes work for me. I need time to peel myself out of a full immersion in romance, and bring other aspects of life to the fore.

We ignored the ritual because we didn’t feel that we needed it on that day. We had just had tea, and going to the cafe seemed superfluous. But with ritual the content is less important than the performance of it. Its the performance – not the content – that gives romance the structure it needs.

What works for you? What rituals can you put in place to keep the energy of your romantic life clear and in flow?

I’ve noticed that with some lovers its easy to communicate your feelings body to body. Cuddles and kisses are more eloquent than words. I don’t mean just the lovey-dovey feelings but the sharper ones too.

Hurt, anger, vulnerability, remorse – all of this can be said, heard and completed through the flesh.

Romantic love isn’t so much a single emotion as a container for many shades of emotion. That’s why we’re more susceptible to feeling hurt by a romantic partner than a friend. That’s why we can be infuriated with a lover and long for them at the same time.

Some loves have a way of containing the vicissitudes of romantic relationship while remaining beyond them. Underneath the range of emotions that play through the heart, lighting it up or ripping it up, there is a quality of love that witnesses. In a way its not so much a quality of the heart but a quality of Being.