Striped or solid balls?

I know he dresses like a disoriented chameleon, but my President, we must bring back Mr Bonny Kapeso to manage the police public affairs because this current spokesperson keeps exposing us.

How can madam Charity Munganga-Chanda waste such a great, long awaited opportunity to crucify Mr comrade Eric Chanda?

If we can’t locate Mr Kapeso because his suit is blending with his office curtains, at least ask him to send Munganga-Chanda the election-year penal code so that she can start making sense when charging offenders.

Munganga CHANDA: “We have formally arrested Mr Eric Chanda for the offence of defamation of the President in connection with an article published on the 9th of May 2015 in the Post Newspaper indicating that President Lungu had gone to Mfuwe to play pool.”

Imagine, Mr Kapeso, what kind of a stupid charge is that? Are these guys trying to break the record for the shortest trial in history or what?

Arresting a toothless opposition leader for saying my President plays pool and goes out clubbing? Really? If you were part of this police low IQ contest, Mr Inspector General, tell me; how long do you think it will take comrade Chanda to produce this pictorial evidence in court?

Do you see now why I say we need a dedicated cadre as police spokesperson like Mr Kapeso; because we can’t allow Madam Munganga-Chanda to be telling the press that comrade Chanda’s stupid charge was construed from a May newspaper article where he accused my President of clubbing at the expense of taxpayers.

What; the police stopped reading newspapers after May 2015?

President LUNGU (August 25, 2015): “I drink but that does not affect my performance. I work very hard and I have never suffered disciplinary processes as a result of beer. People making such allegations have more weaknesses than me.”

President LUNGU (October 13, 2015): “For the nine months that I have been around, I have settled down sufficiently and I think I am on course. The only thing I can say is that it’s a lonely life around here. I really miss being out there. We used to have a nice time with all my friends but I try to sneak out of State House sometimes.”

So now, how will you proceed with this case, Mr Inspector General, minus looking foolish? Because make no mistake; with the charge you have given comrade Chanda, the court will only be looking for who is foolish between the complainant and the defendant – and my President has already testified above, so he is not the complainant.

Anyway, I have to go now, but since you like to be spoon-fed, Mr Inspector General, here is how your Director of President’s Persecution should build your case in court:

DPP: “You have tendered in a picture of the Head of State playing pool in Mfuwe as part of your evidence, can you tell this court if the President had solid or striped balls and how many shots he took before he got the black out?”