Saturday, June 30, 2007

Pardon the (Seven Month) Interruption

Well, he's left me again.

Tony Kornheiser's radio show (or at least the Podcast of it) was more or less the only thing getting me through any given weekday. Sometime around 1:00, my iTunes would download another hour and 26 minutes of brilliance. And I would read through medical records and claims reports while listening to stories of kapuchin monkeys, rats in mouths, Peter Yarrow burglars, and the greatness of Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic." But, with the looming return of Monday Night Football, Tony has left his show (again) in order to adjust his sleep patterns and prepare for the season.

A quick five-month recap of things I learned from Mr. Tony:

For suing his dry cleaners for a lost pair of pants, Roy Pearson should be made to pay, fired, disbarred, and hung by his toenails.

Fran Drescher is the worst guest ever. She stinks.

A person bearing a striking resemblance to Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul, and Mary could break into your house at any time. Take due precautions.

There is likely someone at your grandparent's nursing home making them all laugh with the old "rat in the mouth" trick.

Abbie Lowell might be the smartest man in Washington, but he doesn't know squat about kapuchin monkeys.

David Halberstam is larger than life. John Junior Feinstein is more obese than life.

Blind people can't watch television, but they regularly leave it on so they can listen to it.

Wilbon loves a good bloodbath, and Phil Leotardo's death was a "Gots To Go" situation.

Beads and beaded necklaces are great gifts, though it is slightly better if the recipient intends to purchase Manhattan. If you don't have any beads, Callaway square-head drivers are a suitable substitute.

Bob Ryan is a HUGE American Idol fan.

The Washington Post ombudswoman is a dope.

If you are going to repeatedly quit a job, it's best to have your exit music picked in advance.

And I could go on and on and on. I'm one of the many listeners openly hoping Kornheiser loses his job at MNF, if only so he will return sooner. It will be a cold, dark 7 months waiting for his return. Come back soon, Mr. Tony. The kapuchin monkey demands it.

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