M.O.M.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Bladders, Blondie and Bosses

As you get older your bladder gets smaller.I’m not sure that’s scientifically accurate,
but in my mind… it’s fact.

Because of that 3:51 AM seems like a logical time to get up
from a deep sleep to pee.<bitter
sigh>

At 3:52 I’m washing my hands and drying them off when I hear
the kid’s bedroom door open.I mentally
cuss and wait.

3:52.5 Blondie walks in the bathroom complaining.She rubs the sleep from her eyes like she’s
mad at the world, flips the lid I just put down back up, tosses the potty seat
on, rips her Pull Up off, doesn’t bother moving the step stool from beside the
toilet to the front but instead just launches herself with one foot on the edge
of the step stool and twists mid-air landing squarely on the seat.

She pees immediately and says, without looking at me, “I
need to wipe my butt.” It was funny two seconds after she said it, but that
first second I wanted to give her a coming
to Jesus speech. Instead I tear
her off a piece, she snatches it, wipes, jumps off the seat, flushes and
grumbles, “I need a new diaper.”

I think at this point I salute her and told her to follow
me.

It’s now 3:54 and as I’m walking to the kitchen to toss her old
Pull Up in the trash I realize we’re out of them so I’ll have to go to the
garage to get a spare.(Let me interject
that we were given some HUGE Pull Ups that fit children 60 to 100lbs.Blondie is 32lbs… )

As I’m pulling out a spare from a cardboard box right outside
the back door I’m assaulted by harsh florescent lights, about a dozen of
them.I have one eye closed and the
other is no doubt in a bit of a scowl.I
turn around to find Blondie doing the same thing at me but with her hand
outstretched for the Pull Up.I hand the
giant thing to her and she had the nerve to look at me with her one good eye
and frown.

I snatch it back, put it on her and before she can complain
I sit at the desk and told her to stand in front of me.Now, we’ve used these before and I know that
if I folded them down and use duct tape they’ll work in a pinch.But the duct tape is in our bedroom (don’t
ask) and I don’t want to wake the house pulling a large piece off.I mean, you may not know this but you can
wake the dead tearing that stuff.

So I use my MacGyver skills and staple one side and fold it
down.Don’t judge me, it worked.Granted Blondie all but rolled her one good
eye at me, but I told her not to complain and to go to bed.She wasn’t moving though.Instead she rubs her eyes again and says, “I’m
hungry.”

“Child, it’s 3:00 AM, you are not eating.”

“But I’m hungry.”

“You are not, you are tired. Go to bed.”

“But…”

I pick her up, kiss her on the cheek and calmly tell her she’s
sleepy.(Every mom thinks she has the
power of suggestion…)

She's not convinced and starts to whine about how she
can’t make it till morning.So I start
to whine that kids should be duct taped to their beds.

She giggled; I kissed her again and laid her down.

She was breathing heavy before I had a chance to check on
the other two and shut the door.

…at 3:59 I lay down, recap the story to the husband interjecting
things like, “She peed like a boss!”“She
scowled at me like a boss lady” and we both laughed like fools till he fell
back to sleep.JERK!

I laid there till 4:15 then realize I wasn’t going
back to sleep any time soon.

Middle of thei night is as good as anytime they figure because you know it isn't like we have anything to do during the day so we can just sleep then right?!?! Love the fix-it mentality! I would have thrown down a towel and said sleep without a nappy :-/