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Tonight at the local fry pit, this onion joined a group of popular customers eating burgers at a window table. “He’s a Maui Sweet onion,” explained a head of lettuce. “He always knows what to say.”

“He’s a real smoothie,” agreed a chocolate milkshake. “He told me I was fat free… and I believed him!”

Later, the onion left with the group and the other ingredients weren’t sorry. The fry pit staff were also relieved: “He was the worst onion in the bag,” said one. “I could smell him a mile away. I’m glad he’s gone.”