Category Archives: Humor

**Please note that most of these tips are written for humorous purposes and shouldn’t be taken seriously. To be honest, I’m being overly dramatic and having a mammogram is not all that bad.

One legit tip I can give you is if you are worried about pain, take some tylenol before your appointment.

Also, for some reason they want you to avoid using deodorant or any powder products under your arms on the day of your appointment.

My 3rd tip is to try and schedule your appt for a time where you know your breasts will not be tender due to your cycle. This will most likely cut down on your uncomfortableness with the mammogram process.

My last legit time would be to not wear a bra or wear a soft sports bra to your appt. Your breasts will be a little sore afterwards and an underwire bra could make things a bit more uncomfortable.

Ok, on to my ridiculous tips. 😛

Guys, I’m getting old.

Specifically I’m around the age that a yearly mammogram is recommended. After thinking I felt something a few weeks ago (doctor didn’t feel anything on the follow up exam) I decided to schedule a mammogram just in case because I’m about to be 40 in a few months and at least once in my life I want to be on time or early for something.

My mammogram was today and I lived through it. As nervous as I was about it, I decided to make a guide to getting through it.

1. Don’t worry about the pain and discomfort. Honestly on a scale of 1 to getting hit in the face with a brick, it’s really not that bad. You’ll be fine.

2. You’ll be shocked and amazed at the way your breast can contort into about 50 different shapes during your mammogram. Those cirque du origami boobs are yours and you should be quite proud of their feats of stretch and foldiness.

3. It’s a good idea to take with you a small spatula because inevitably one of your boobs will become adhered to the imaging surface (especially if you have it done on one of the hottest days of the year like I did, where even in the air conditioning you can feel the heat). And no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get it elegantly lifted off the tiny table with just your hands.

The imaging tech tugged so hard, my left boob almost flew up off the imaging surface and hit me in the face. Next time I’m putting a small spatula in my purse. Just in case.

4. Have an uncomfortable anecdote ready to share with the imaging tech as payback for squishing your boobs flat as pancakes. I decided to go with the story of how Chad’s great grandma was treated for breast cancer in the 1920’s with acid.

It definitely got the desired result and made me feel like we were now even.

3. Needle and thread or fabric glue or hot glue (*If using hot glue DO NOT wear the garment during this step).

Take the pair of boxers or briefs and find the pockety hole thing reserved for your “delicate package”. Take half of the Easter egg and place it inside the pockety thing, open side towards you. Then secure it to the boxer or briefs by the method of your choice (**do NOT wear the garment while securing the egg).

And ba-bam! Instant kid proof anti ball bustin’ underwear!

You’re welcome! 🙂

*Lulabelle.net is not responsible for injuries acquired if instructions were not followed or if it was decided to drink and DIY

**See first warning.

***It was also brought to my attention during a rough draft reading of this post that I neglected to specify that if you use hot glue or fabric glue, it should go between the outside of the egg and the fabric of the underwear. While I thought this to be an understood step, I did just point out to not wear the underwear while attaching the egg, so there you go. 😛

The following blog post is dedicated to our friend, John Erwood, who passed away unexpectedly a month ago.

He loved to laugh and play practical jokes.

Which is why I think he had a hand in the following scenario that occurred right before we left the house for his funeral on Saturday.

Rest well, Erwood. We’ll see you in The Morning!

Before we get into what exactly happened last Saturday, here is a little background. Our oldest cat, Phoebe who is 13, was diagnosed with a UTI by a new veterinarian last week. They gave her liquid amoxicillan with instructions to us to administer it twice a day for 2 weeks. Now here’s the thing, Phoebe HATES taking medicine but liquid we’d found at least when we mix it in to wet food, she’ll eat it. Not this stuff. So we had no choice but to implement Plan B which is basically channeling the Crocodile Hunter, closing off all the exits and while one person catches her as she runs by, the other one jams the syringe in her mouth to deliver the medicine.

At least it acts as a great ab work-out. 😛

So rewind to this past Saturday. Erwood’s funeral was at 11:30 and it was a 30-minute drive away. And we had two stops to make before we would even get there. Chad worked in the early morning and arrived home at 10:30 to help me give Phoebe her medicine and then we’d leave for the funeral. After blocking off all the exits and finding her, Chad goes to pick her up and she bolted underneath the living room furniture. After toppling the furniture, Phoebs made a run for it towards the kitchen, Chad in hot pursuit. As he picked her up, it happened.

As Chad stepped towards me, the poo continued to flow, defiling a large portion of our not-so-clean- anyway linoleum. As I grabbed a hold of Phoebe, poop rained down on my pants and shoes. That I would have to change before leaving for the funeral we were already late for.

We gave Phoebe her medicine and assessed the kitchen floor.

Yeah, we were gonna be late.

As we cleaned up ourselves and the floor, it happened. We ran out of paper towels.

Right before Chad suggested he’d run to the store to get paper towels, we tried mopping up the worst of the mess with toilet paper. Now, a word about our toilet paper:

It’s thin. Like ridiculously thin. Think the thinnest tissue wrapping paper known to man meets the width of a human hair.

Yeah.

Then we started to run out of toilet paper. So Chad left to get an emergency back up of more absorbent paper towel while I was left alone with defiled clothes and shoes, and puddles of linoleum poop from an angry cat who is no where to be found.

So we rolled into the memorial service so late we almost missed the closing prayer. Which I think Erwood would have understood.

Happy 2019!! For my first post of the new year, I thought I’d look back on my predictions for this year that I made in 2018 and see how well I was able to correct predict what was gonna go down in 2018.

Yeah, this is gonna be disappointing. I think I’ll stick to blogging. 😛

“Trump will say or tweet something controversial”: Honestly this was a lock. Like the free space on a BINGO board.

“I will drink at least one glass of wine (Yeah, by the way, some of these are going to be no-brainers. 😉 Buckle up.)” I did not disappoint 2018 in the alcohol department. Bottoms up. 😉

“I will have mastered the art of red lipstick (In case anyone thought myMirandaSingsHalloween costume was as good as it was going to get.)” I did. And also added to my weird lipstick color collection light blue, dark green, dark blue that almost looks black, dark purple and I made my own yellow (that kinda sucks and doesn’t look yellow at all on my lips). I also made an Instagram account devoted to my love of weird lipstick shades. You can check it out here: https://www.instagram.com/thereallulabelle/

“Joe Biden will announce his plans to run for president in 2020 (I have mixed feelings within my body about this one, but there it is.)” So while I thought I was wrong on this one, the mainstream media is now reporting that Biden will announce whether or not he’ll run in 2 weeks. Stay tuned.

“Tonya Hardingwill be reinstated into the US Figure Skating Association (Honestly it just makes sense. As time passes, it seems as though she really did have nothing to do with the attack on Nancy Kerrigan.)” She was not.

“Oreo will debut a new flavor” They did. About 50. (This is an exaggeration as I’m too lazy to look up the actual number, but I know it’s more than one 😛 )

Happy New Year!!

PS: Chad and I would like to thank the anonymous (because he can’t remember who it was) cab passenger who gifted us with a tupperware of chocolate where I thought at first it was a block of chocolate and I was already on board. So when I got it out of the freezer last night, I was shocked to find it had strawberries in it and chocolate cake. At the time we weren’t sure what it was, but it was delicious.

Now we are 90% sure it was some sort of tiramisu with pudding and strawberries on top.

In October we celebrate my birth month!! And in my 39th year we are starting out strong and our body is ROCKIN’…….and literally crumbling like a wedding cake immediately frosted after coming out of the oven.

Seriously. No joke.

I’m currently nursing a skin ulcer on my hip. If you aren’t familiar with what an ulcer is, let me break it down for you. It currently looks like there is a bullet hole on my hip.

Yes, you heard that right.

And the doctor can’t figure out where it came from ( yes mom, I did get it cultured and am waiting with anticipation for the results 😉 UPDATE: Results came yesterday and I tested positive for not one but TWO different types of bacteria. Ah, I love being an over-achiever 😛 ).

It started as a red mark on my hip and after a few weeks of daily Epsom salt baths and manuka honey patches, it finally came to a head and a mess of crap fell out.

And left a hollow hole in my hip.

Pretty unsettling to look down and see a hole in your hip, but there you go. Thankfully I have a great team of doctors advising me on treatment and it’s slowly gotten better. I even consulted a nutritionist and have since been chugging one BOOST nutritional drink per day.

You know BOOST, the stuff your great-aunt Bippy drinks to supplement her diet. Yep. Not only does it supplement nutrition, but apparently it’s been shown to heal skin ulcer’s quickly.

The following story from my childhood was originally shared on mySteemitaccount.

I’ve wanted to upload this story sooner than today, but our oldest cat has been sick and after a trip to the vet yesterday it was determined she needs dental surgery. So it’s gonna be a fun next couple weeks up in here.

*The name of the main character in the story below has been changed to protect his privacy and dignity.

Although I was in kindergarten more than 30 years ago, I still very vividly remember this next story. My class was small and one of the kids in my class was named *Fredrick.

On the outside, there wasn’t anything extraordinary about Fredrick, but while we were in kindergarten he was going through an interesting developmental phase…..

He bit people.

Specifically me.

I can’t recall if I was his only victim or if he had others on his munchy list, but I do remember several instances where my arm and his teeth connected. Of course, I told my teacher about this and she made sure that we no longer sat next to each other.

But Fredrick still found a way. I remember one day in particular when I was several kids away from him in the reading circle. Unfortunately, I was sitting next to one of his criminal associates (no doubt part of some sort of kindergarten biting mafia) and they grabbed my arm and stretched it out so that it would make easy contact with his teeth.

This incident prompted a call to Fredrick’s parents and a few days later I got a letter in the mail (this was way before email was a thing) along with a small stuffed bear. The letter was a formal apology from Fredrick.

The biting stopped after this letter was sent. I found out later that in addition to the apology letter/teddy bear, Fredrick’s mom took him to the library (back in the day these were building where you could go and take out books to read for free) and had him look up the word “cannibalism.”

I’ve since tasked mom’s I’m living vicariously through to do this if their little one has a biting phase. 😛

Fast forward 10 years. I was going to a high school that had weekly assemblies. These assemblies had assigned seating that would change every semester. My senior year I looked at the new assembly seating chart and who was I assigned to sit by?

FREDRICK!

I guess this is what happens when you live in a small town and need to fill an assembly hall with assigned seating.

Thankfully, Fredrick kept his teeth to himself during the semester and I emerged bite free at graduation.

So take heart, parents of tiny cannibals, most likely your child will grow out of craving human flesh.

Growing up in the midwest, there is a certain time of year, namely winter, where you get up before the sun and have to leave for work or school before the sun is up. When I was in high school, I had to ride to school with my mom who was a teacher at the high school I attended. This meant that there were plenty of days that I’d have to get dressed in the dark.

Fortunately, I was still able to look as presentable as you’d imagine for someone who went to high school in the late 90’s, knee-deep in the grunge style scene.

There was one slight drawback for getting dressed in the dark. And I never figured it out till it was almost too late.

I suppose it was my own fault. See, I had a habit of wearing the same pair of jeans more than once in a week. Normally, I’d wear the same pair on consecutive days. But back then I also had a bad habit of not shaking out my pants before putting them back on.

I blamed this on how early I had to wake in the morning.

It wasn’t until I was already at school, waiting for class to start, when all my friends were around, that I would make a grim discovery. I’d find a strange bulge in my lower pant leg. Now, because of my leg brace, I didn’t feel anything weird, it was only when I went to pull my legs to my chest when I was sitting down that I’d feel the strange bulge.

But what was it?

In a word, it was, um…….underwear. Dirty underwear to be exact.

Yeah, turns out I hadn’t shaken out my underwear from my jeans from the day before and they were now stuck in my pant leg.

At school.

In front of my friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, this would be the alternative dream to the one where you arrive at school naked.

So how did I retain my dignity and not let slip (pun intended) my mistake in getting dressed that morning? By a slow and sneaky sleight of hand maneuver. I’d put my hand over the bulge in my leg and begin rubbing it up and down like I had an itch….slowly working the offending garment down my pant leg and out through the leg hole. I’d scrunch it into a tight ball in my fist and hold it tight while I made a sort of “walk of shame” to my mom’s classroom where I’d hand it off to here and she’d put it in her desk. The thought never occurred to me to put it in my locker. I guess I figured it’d be more likely to fall out when I opened my locker and then I’d really give everyone something to talk about.

In a school of no less than 200 students, a tale of runaway underwear would have spread as fast as the tickets sell out for a Taylor Swift concert.

Now you’d think that perhaps this only had to happen once for me to remember to shake out my jeans when I took them off.

You’d be wrong.

Even 20 years later I can remember this happening no less than 3 times.

So why did I include this story? Well, you see, I got dressed in the dark this morning and am now writing this entry in an isolated corner of the grocery store.

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About Me

A housewife and full time cat wrangler of 2 (of the domesticated kind, wild cats would increase my anxiety--although that could create good content for the blog--) who tries to find humor in any and all situations while living life with anxiety
For more fun content including original stories, follow me on Steemit.com at https://steemit.com/@lulabelle