From Catherine E. Brown Dodson of Amarillo this excerpt "from a hearing in a suit to establish paternity filed in the 181st District Court, the Honorable Samuel C. Kiser presiding."

The mother was represented by Arnold N. Miller and the father by Mary Louise Kibbey.

Q. Before we begin, I need to tell you that because my client is acknowledging paternity, all we will be addressing today will be child support.

A. (No reply.)

Q. Do you understand that? My client is acknowledging that he is the father of this child, so all we will be talking about will be the amount of child support. Do you understand that?

A. No.

Q. Well, the paternity test came back over 99 percent proof positive that my client is the father. We just need to set the amount of child support today.

A. Well - what did I score?

Catherine adds: "Immediately following the answer on line 14, Judge Kiser left the courtroom without a word, followed in quick succession by the court reporter and both lawyers. Once composure had been regained by all in chambers, a suggestion was made that the mother be informed the Court now had some concerns that she might not be the mother. Ms. Kibbey declined on the grounds that the mother might believe her.

Jerome Aldrich of Angleton (and a Brazoria County assistant district attorney) sent this trial excerpt with the simple observation that it "shows that prosecutor Tom Selleck (not related to the movie star of the same name) and the defense attorney, Lloyd Stansbury, wanted during jury voir dire was an UNBIASED jury."

Mr. Selleck: I certainly thank ya'll for your time and you've been very helpful to myself. Anybody that has any questions of me based on anything I've said? Okay. Thank you.

Ms. Grigsby: You're not going to use the back row?

Mr. Selleck: Well, I'm a laywer and if I talk to the back row it will take another 45 minutes.

Ms. Grigsby: You know what, I find you very attractive and I might be biased in a different sense. I'm afraid I might decide for you.

Mr. Selleck: That's a first for me I assure you, but thank you.

The Court: Counsel, you have exceeded your 45-minutes, if that helps you any.

From Steven C. Laird of Fort Worth (Russell, Turner, Laird & Jones), a contribution from the trial of a medical negligence case. The excerpt is “the very beginning of the cross-examination of the plaintiffs’ nursing expert” ­ a “very attractive, statuesque nurse in her early 40’s.”

Q. All right. I don’t know why; but when I first took your deposition in Houston and even today, I get the feeling of how a dove must feel when my Russian blue cat is stalking it. Do you have cats?

From Cindy Madole of Dallas (Cindy, an attorney with International Paper, was formerly with Shank, Irwin & Concert in Dallas), this excerpt from a deposition taken years ago "in a rather heated securities fraud lawsuit" - by Bill Chaney (who was then with the Shank, Irwin firm, but who is now with Whittenburg, Whittenburg & Shaster).

Q. Do you know how much money?

A. No, not specifically.

Q. You recall testifying as to a seven or $800,000 figure concerning Roseneath yesterday?

A. Whatever the record said.

Q. You recall discussing a seven or $800,000 contribution to GRI by Roseneath?

A. And I said whatever the record said.

Q. You don't recall that right now?

A. I said whatever the record said.

Q. That's not responsive. Do you recall?

A. Read my lips.

Q. Read mine. Do you recall?

A. Look at me again, read them real careful.

Q. And read my lips carefully -

Mr. Butler (wisely): All right. Gentlemen, I guess that's about enough of this.

From Douglas M. Barlow of Beaumont, these excerpts from the voir dire examination in a capital murder case, of a potential juror who seemed "to be an expert on death."

Q. Have you ever been arrested for anything else, Mr. Clay?

A. Well, I had a hotel and this guy came in the hotel and cleaned the hotel, stole everything in the hotel; and we went [and] sold it to someone. And this is the point: I was in jail already when they did sold it.

Q. For what?

A. I don't recall. Because I used to help, you know, help the police department out.

Q. Undercover work?

A. Yeah, a little bit something like that. Kind of dangerous, you know. I like that, you know - I got killed one time.

Q. You did?

A. Uh-huh. In New Orleans. Some people killed me and what happened, they got a implant inside of me, inside of my temple; and what that implant is is the one thing that keep me alive. And I'm worth about $4 billion to the United States as long as I can stay alive with that thing inside of me ...

Q. Okay. How did you get killed?

A. I was in New Orleans and I was on the street and I was moving, you know, just going around and a bunch of people, about five of them, killed me, you know.

Q. How did they kill you, shoot you?

A. Beat the heck out of me and tore my head off. Got another face on me. They fix it back up, you know.

Q. How long were you dead?

A. You can find out from the hospital how long I was dead.

Q. But you don't know?

A. No, I don't know. I was dead.

Q. I understand. So, you've been in jail twice?

A. Quite a few times but not for - not for doing nothing wrong. Defending myself.

Obviously, this is either the greatest orthopedic surgeon in the world in that he can perform surgeries in his sleep or he may be one we all wish to avoid. Looking forward to seeing my name in print again, as I continue in my all-out efforts to provide fodder for the et cetera fire.

From Judge David V. Wilson of Lufkin (217th District Court), this excerpt from a temporary hearing to establish paternity. Judge Wilson sets the scene: "The attorney fro the wife, without objection from the husband's attorney, brought out some evidence about the husband physically abusing her (which was totally irrelevant to the subject matter of the hearing). In rebuttal, the husband's attorney called him back to the witness stand" and asked:

Q. Mr. Jones, you heard the testimony from your wife in this matter, Ms. Smith, about physical abuse by you. Has there been physical abuse by you toward her?

From Wayne Tolivar of Gilmer, this excerpt from an early 1992 deposition in which James Moody of Dallas (Strasburger & Price) is questioning Wayne's "client about the operation of the family dairy business."

A. No. You have cow records. You know when they have their calf and when they're put into the barn to milk, and when they turn dry and are put out to pasture...

Q. Turned dry, what does that mean?

A. They're ready to have their rest period before they have their calf.

Q. Are all cows female?

A. I guess.

Mr. Toliver: All cows are female, yes.

Mr. Moody: I mean all cows they have?

Mr. Toliver: All bulls are male, too.

Mr. Moody: I'm sorry, I think of cows as being...

Mr. Gage: Cattle.

Q. Cattle is the big group; cows are the females. You can't tell I'm from Dallas? Y'all didn't milk any bulls did you?

From Jerry W. Corbin of Denver City, who represented the plaintiff in an automobile accident case along with Steve Clark of Andrews, this excerpt from written interrogatories submitted to a doctor - who was "a little more than upset with lawyers in general and this case in particular":

Q. Doctor, aren't some examples of subjective symptoms or complaints such as pain, numbness, tingling, and stiffness?

A. Could be.

Q. Doctor, as a physician, do you accept the plaintiff's word that he has subjective complaints such as pain, numbness, tingling, and stiffness, and don't you have to rely upon what he tells you about those subjective complaints?

A. I reckon. It's a stupid question.

Q. Doctor, have you not had patients in the past who have exaggerated or misstated their subjective complaints?

From Marcus D. Taylor of Quitman, the Criminal District Attorney of Wood County, this excerpt from the direct examination of the defendant in a criminal sexual assault case - who had returned home at 7:00 o'clock in the morning, and was avoiding telling his wife "exactly" what he had done.

Q. And what did you do at that point?

A. My wife followed me back [to the bedroom] griping at me for being gone so long.

From Carlos R. Soltero of Austin, these excerpts from the deposition of the husband/plaintiff in a wrongful death case.

Q. What is your understanding as to why she died?

A. It's a very easy question. It was just her time to die, and that's that.

Q. And why have you brought this lawsuit? ...

A. I don't have a lawyer for that. My - my- my children were the ones that talked to this man ...

Q. But you, personally, Mr. Benito Hipolito, how has your life changed as a result of your wife, Rosa, passing away?

A. No. Fine. I don't really miss her. Everything is fine....

A. No. She didn't pay attention to the doctors, not at all. She would rather die than stop eating well.

Q. Do you know of any medications, whether prescription or over-the-counter, that your wife took in May of 1998?

A. No. No. She never took any of that. She ate everything she wanted. She didn't respect anything that they said. She would rather die. She didn't want to stop eating anything since she knew anyway she was going to die ...

Q. Do you feel like you're at peace with your wife having passed away?

A. Yes. Yeah. Why am I going to make my mind crazy?

Then, following the questioning by defense counsel, the plaintiff's attorney makes a brave, but futile attempt to rehabilitate the witness.

By Plaintiff's Attorney:

Q. Mr. Hipolito, I have just a few questions for you. When Rosa was alive, did you love her?

A. Well, yeah, when she was alive. Hey, it's - you know, when you're young, everybody has to love. You have to love each other. When you get old, the love kind of goes away.

Q. But do you still wish that Rosa was alive?

A. Of course. you don't wish death on anybody. Those are things that God imposes, that God wills to happen.

From Timothy M. Quill of Missouri City, this voir dire story from a capital murder case that Tim tried in Houston. In her answers to the lengthy jury questionnaire, "one lady indicated that she and her husband were in the process of divorce, a proceeding which the husband had initiated, and about which she sounded quite bitter." Then later in her questionnaire:

What are your spouse's hobbies, favorite recreations, or pastimes?Drinking and adultery

September 1999 - Voir Dire is Like a Box of Chocolates: You Never Know What You're Going to Get

From Crawford Long of Waco (Crawford is the first assistant district attorney of the Criminal District Attorney's Office of McLennan County), this excerpt from voir dire in a murder trial in the 54th District Court in Waco. The title to this contribution was also submitted by Crawford, who explains that the "prosecutor, who will remain nameless, is said to have a distinctive southern drawl."

Raise Your Right HandQ. Do you understand what you are to swear to?A. Yes, sir. I am to swear and tell the truth.Q. That's right. And do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?A. Well, your honor, I expect the other side will win the case.___

Do the Preliminary Stuff FirstQ. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.___

Q. Mrs. Bates, where do you live?A. Mexia, Texas.Q. Have you lived in Mexia all of your life?A. Not yet.___

Q. Are you married?A. No, I'm divorced.Q. What did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things that I don't know about.

In Memory of Judge Jerry Buchmeyer, 1933-2009
Real life Texas Courtroom Humor.
From 1980 to 2008, U.S. District Judge Jerry Buchmeyer entertained lawyers far and wide with his "et cetera" column in the Texas Bar Journal.
For this page, we've reached into the vault to bring you classic material spanning two decades of courtroom humor, most of which comes straight from actual depostions and trials.