'Game Of Thrones' Recap: A New Evil Is Born In Westeros

Spoiler alert: Stop reading if you haven’t watched the April 22 episode of ‘Game of Thrones!’

If your children ever ask you where babies come from, for the love of Westeros, don’t show them the final scene from this week’s Game of Thrones. Childbirth is gross enough as it is without the unholy image of Melisandre (Carice van Houten) screaming and pushing a full-grown shadow creature out of her priestess hoo-ha. I guess Stannis (Stephen Dillane) finally got that son he was hoping for, even if he does share partial paternity with the Lord of Light. I don’t envy whoever has to fill out that birth certificate.

Arya (Maisie Williams), Gendry (Joe Dempsie) and all their kidnapped pals were taken to a charming torture chamber this week, where one person was killed every day until they finally squealed about the location of “the Brotherhood.” And considering most of them have no idea what “the Brotherhood” even is, there were quite a few deaths by rats and fire — a combination you really have to see to believe.

And speaking of torture, how could I go this long without mentioning dear, sweet Joffrey (Jack Gleeson)? After ordering his men to beat and disrobe Sansa (Sophie Turner), he turned his sadistic sense of fun on two unsuspecting whores who had been purchased for his name day. Their time started out innocently enough, with Joffrey watching as one whore went to town on the other. But then came the spanking. And the belting. And before you knew it, Joffrey was ordering that one whore beat the other with a friggin’ sceptre. It was sick — but hey, so is Joffrey.

So how did the eldest of the Stark ladies fare this week? Weirdly, that’s how. Very weirdly. After Catelyn (Michelle Fairley) accused Petyr (Aidan Gillian) of betraying her by staging a meeting with Renley (Gethin Anthony), he countered with a confession of his love. And when that didn’t go over so well, he presented her with Ned’s remains — in a nice, neat little box. (For the record, when I said I wanted to see Sean Beanagain, that’s not how I meant it!)

Catelyn and Renley also attempted to forge an alliance with Stannis, but he wasn’t having any of it. Not only did he refuse to “join” them, but he counter-offered for them to join him, with the promise of making Renley his heir — that is, until his creepy shadow child is old enough to assume the crown. (Can it even wear a crown? It’s made of shadows!)

Meanwhile, Daenerys’ (Emilia Clarke) luck improved this week when she and her band of Dothraki ragamuffins — whom shall hence be known as simply “Dothragamuffins” — were permitted access into Qarth, “the greatest city that ever was or will be.” Of course, it took some convincing. Daenerys was initially turned away after she refused to give the Thirteen a peek at her wee dragon babies, but after she threatened to basically kill all of them with their magical fire breath, one member of the city’s guard stepped forward and argued their case.

Call me crazy, but Qarth seems a little too good to be true. #PrayForTheDragonBabies.

FINAL DEATH COUNT: At least 3 (plus tons of Lannister casualties)

FINAL BOOB COUNT: 6

OK, what did you think of this week’s episode? Has Daenerys finally caught a break? Will Joffrey ever die? And, honestly, was that birth scene not the creepiest thing you’ve seen on TV all season? Hit up the comments section with your thoughts!