if i had a lunchdate planned and got an invite to a "we have to do this as we're being moved etc" close family/friend wedding, i'd call the lunch friend and ask if we could reschedule due to the sudden wedding. and if i was having a lunch date its likely that person is a good enough friend that they'd understand and tell me not to worry about it.

none of the arguments anyone has put forward have convinced me that the grandma was anything but rude

By the same token you could also say that if MIL is close enough to be invited to daughter's birthday party, she's close enough that the family should understand if something 'more important' comes up and tell her not to worry about it. Not seeing the difference.

Also, you can't reschedule someone else's party, like you could your own lunch date. So, what was MIL to do in that situation?

The OP said her MIL spent the majority of the day at the anniversary party. If she truly felt she needed to attend both events, I think it should have been the other way around. You know, spend the majority of the day at the party you commited to first.

The OP said her MIL spent the majority of the day at the anniversary party. If she truly felt she needed to attend both events, I think it should have been the other way around. You know, spend the majority of the day at the party you commited to first.

I definitely agree with this. I'm also uncertain as to how MIL presented the "double booking" to the OP. Was she apologetic and explained her dilemma, or did she just present it as a settled "This is how it's gonna be"?

As the OP I'd be a lot more understanding in the first situation than in the latter, and while both technically equally rude, I think the former more likely to 'soften' the rudeness.

if i had a lunchdate planned and got an invite to a "we have to do this as we're being moved etc" close family/friend wedding, i'd call the lunch friend and ask if we could reschedule due to the sudden wedding. and if i was having a lunch date its likely that person is a good enough friend that they'd understand and tell me not to worry about it.

none of the arguments anyone has put forward have convinced me that the grandma was anything but rude

By the same token you could also say that if MIL is close enough to be invited to daughter's birthday party, she's close enough that the family should understand if something 'more important' comes up and tell her not to worry about it. Not seeing the difference.

Also, you can't reschedule someone else's party, like you could your own lunch date. So, what was MIL to do in that situation?

if i'm having lunch with a friend and tell them that i'm missing a wedding, that was pulled together last minute, then all of my friends would tell me i was daft and should have rescheduled the lunch. a last minute wedding for emergency purposes trumps a chatty lunch in my circle. i've told friends before that their emergency beats any plans we have so not to worry and to call me when things settle down and we'll catch up then, because thats what friends do.

one of my BF's is having a rough time with her father, terminal illness, and felt bad that she had to cancel coffee with me. i sent her flowers and told her i was thinking of her and if she needs anything to let me know & that we can have coffee anytime.

i also have had someone who was invited, 18 months prior, to my wedding, tell me 3 weeks out, that she's been invited on a trip that same weekend and so can't come to my wedding. we haven't spoken since.

the problem with this is that it was a last minute invite(3 weeks for that sort of party is last minute in my opinion) but it wasn't an emergency situation. Mil double booked herself and should have had the brains to tell aunt that she was already booked and would have to see them another time to celebrate.

if i had a lunchdate planned and got an invite to a "we have to do this as we're being moved etc" close family/friend wedding, i'd call the lunch friend and ask if we could reschedule due to the sudden wedding. and if i was having a lunch date its likely that person is a good enough friend that they'd understand and tell me not to worry about it.

none of the arguments anyone has put forward have convinced me that the grandma was anything but rude

By the same token you could also say that if MIL is close enough to be invited to daughter's birthday party, she's close enough that the family should understand if something 'more important' comes up and tell her not to worry about it. Not seeing the difference.

Also, you can't reschedule someone else's party, like you could your own lunch date. So, what was MIL to do in that situation?

if i'm having lunch with a friend and tell them that i'm missing a wedding, that was pulled together last minute, then all of my friends would tell me i was daft and should have rescheduled the lunch. a last minute wedding for emergency purposes trumps a chatty lunch in my circle. i've told friends before that their emergency beats any plans we have so not to worry and to call me when things settle down and we'll catch up then, because thats what friends do.

one of my BF's is having a rough time with her father, terminal illness, and felt bad that she had to cancel coffee with me. i sent her flowers and told her i was thinking of her and if she needs anything to let me know & that we can have coffee anytime.

i also have had someone who was invited, 18 months prior, to my wedding, tell me 3 weeks out, that she's been invited on a trip that same weekend and so can't come to my wedding. we haven't spoken since.

the problem with this is that it was a last minute invite(3 weeks for that sort of party is last minute in my opinion) but it wasn't an emergency situation. Mil double booked herself and should have had the brains to tell aunt that she was already booked and would have to see them another time to celebrate.

I don't know that it always needs to be an 'emergency' though.

I mean, in the situation with the OP, it was the woman's sister. The OP isn't close to the Aunt, but it's the MIL's sister. Obviously the MIL is close to her. So, who on earth does she upset in that situation? Her sister, or her granddaughter?

I do think sometimes people need to be mature enough to say "This is an awkward situation and I can see you're doing your best to accommodate everyone and not upset anyone".

I think I'd be pissed off about your wedding situation, though, if it was just a run of the mill trip that could have been taken at any time and depending on the depth of the friendship; that's gotta hurt. But again, I think a wedding trumps a 'trip'.

Case in point: My best friend of many years had 'other plans' on the day of my mother's funeral. She'd already arranged to go away with her boyfriend that weekend and said she couldn't postpone her plans because he'd booked the time off work. That stung. Technically she was doing the right thing per etiquette and I didn't hold it against her, but, man. A great example of why etiquette isn't always the 'right thing to do'.

I think this thread is just going in circles and I don't think anyone will change their minds in what they regard as rude or not rude. The fact is the OP is tired of family members accepting invitations and then always being disappointed and she doesn't want her or her kids to keep feeling this way. She said her MIL is disappointed they are not throwing a party this year and the OP ask if she was rude to feel the way she feels. My answer is "no." If MIL is disappointed, nobody is stopping her from throwing her grandkid a party.

OK, so, the husband upsets his brother by not going, and she has to go because she's his wife. Same level of relationship. In which case, if it's not the MIL making the decision, why is she getting slated for it? Why isn't FIL getting slated for it? It's his brother, after all.

I think there's probably a bit of backstory here we're not getting, because if it's FIL's relatives, I'm not seeing why MIL is at fault.

OP has stated that MIL thinks she has to attend everything she is invited to and tends to overbook herself. Again, I think the IL's should have spent the majority of their time at the party they commited to first.

I'd like to say that although DH's aunt and uncle are not my favorite people, I'm not blaming them for the last minute anniversary party. It was a BBQ in the back yard sort of thing, so not fancy not that that matters.

No, I have not told or made my kids aware of my irritation with my inlaws in regards to parties, and in general I still very much love my MIL. I just know what priorities she puts on things. Her and FIL (who passed away in 2012) have done things like this before. Examples:

1) FIL wanted to hang out with DH, me and the kids one Sat, and invited us to their house (which is an hour away). That morning, we got in the car and were about 20 min down the road and DH called to say we were on the way. MIL said that FIL had gone to visit a friend instead, didn't know when he'd be back, and that she was also unavailable. We had to turn around and go home. HUGE disappointment for the kids.

2) IL's again invited us over for the day, and mentioned they needed help with the computer down at their shop (family business). We went down, FIL spent an hour washing his motorcycle not really talking to anyone, and MIL during that time was working on her online class in the computer room. We went down to the shop and DH (who is an IT guy) fixed their computer, and we thought we were all going back to their house, only at that moment the ILs said they were going to a friend's house for the rest of the day. We drove home.

3) Last summer, MIL wanted to take a family vacation with herself, her 3 sons and their families as a way to remember FIL who had passed the previous year. MIL paid for the rental houses but asked me to plan horseback riding, a guided fishing trip on the lake and other things. MIL flaked out on the horseback riding last minute and sat in the boat and didn't fish on the guided trip either. For most of the trip she stayed in her rental house. This was not so bad, but just shows how she changes her mind last minute on certain things. I would not have planned horseback riding had she not asked me to.

Also, I'm not at all saying I don't want or that my kids shouldn't have a relationship with my mother in law. I'm only saying I'm not going to waste time planning formal events in advance for people who change their mind at the drop of a hat. A casual dinner or lunch or us visiting MIL (she rarely comes to our house) will suffice at least when it comes to kids birthdays. So when she asked about a party, that's why I said we were planning birthdays in a different way.

Honestly, I would give her a pass on your #3 example. I don't think it indicates a pattern of "changing her mind at the last minute" so much as that she didn't know how she would feel during her memorial vacation to honour her late husband. I actually find you to be a bit insensitive in not recognizing this.

As for the birthday party, I have to side with PPs who figure that she felt caught between a rock and a hard place. It's not as though she blew off your DD's party completely, she was doing the best that she could.

On item 3 I see it as her wanting to make sure their were activities the family would enjoy though she might not have an interest in them, which would be why she asked you to plan them instead of her doing so.

Overall it sounds like they have some very different ideas about social engagements. So I'd do as you already planned. Plan things your family would enjoy. Invite her when you want, but don't put much stock in her participation.

OK, so, the husband upsets his brother by not going, and she has to go because she's his wife. Same level of relationship. In which case, if it's not the MIL making the decision, why is she getting slated for it? Why isn't FIL getting slated for it? It's his brother, after all.

I think there's probably a bit of backstory here we're not getting, because if it's FIL's relatives, I'm not seeing why MIL is at fault.

No, I have not told or made my kids aware of my irritation with my inlaws in regards to parties, and in general I still very much love my MIL. I just know what priorities she puts on things. Her and FIL (who passed away in 2012) have done things like this before. Examples:

1) FIL wanted to hang out with DH, me and the kids one Sat, and invited us to their house (which is an hour away). That morning, we got in the car and were about 20 min down the road and DH called to say we were on the way. MIL said that FIL had gone to visit a friend instead, didn't know when he'd be back, and that she was also unavailable. We had to turn around and go home. HUGE disappointment for the kids.

2) IL's again invited us over for the day, and mentioned they needed help with the computer down at their shop (family business). We went down, FIL spent an hour washing his motorcycle not really talking to anyone, and MIL during that time was working on her online class in the computer room. We went down to the shop and DH (who is an IT guy) fixed their computer, and we thought we were all going back to their house, only at that moment the ILs said they were going to a friend's house for the rest of the day. We drove home.

Given these two examples, I'd say your MIL doesn't regard your time or her spending time with you as being valuable in the slightest, and I don't blame you one bit for being tired of it.

OK, so, the husband upsets his brother by not going, and she has to go because she's his wife. Same level of relationship. In which case, if it's not the MIL making the decision, why is she getting slated for it? Why isn't FIL getting slated for it? It's his brother, after all.

I think there's probably a bit of backstory here we're not getting, because if it's FIL's relatives, I'm not seeing why MIL is at fault.

Because the FIL is dead? The OP stated he died in 2012.

Well, that wasn't in the OP, which just stated the husband's aunt, and I don't have time to read through 10 pages for extra information.

Still - who does the woman upset? Her family who are hosting an important, one-off, never to be repeated, or her granddaughter, who will have another birthday the following year? Why is nobody understanding this? She was in an impossible position.

OK, so, the husband upsets his brother by not going, and she has to go because she's his wife. Same level of relationship. In which case, if it's not the MIL making the decision, why is she getting slated for it? Why isn't FIL getting slated for it? It's his brother, after all.

I think there's probably a bit of backstory here we're not getting, because if it's FIL's relatives, I'm not seeing why MIL is at fault.

Because the FIL is dead? The OP stated he died in 2012.

Well, that wasn't in the OP, which just stated the husband's aunt, and I don't have time to read through 10 pages for extra information.

Still - who does the woman upset? Her family who are hosting an important, one-off, never to be repeated, or her granddaughter, who will have another birthday the following year? Why is nobody understanding this? She was in an impossible position.

we all understand, she ran out on her granddaughter because she got a "better offer"

OK, so, the husband upsets his brother by not going, and she has to go because she's his wife. Same level of relationship. In which case, if it's not the MIL making the decision, why is she getting slated for it? Why isn't FIL getting slated for it? It's his brother, after all.

I think there's probably a bit of backstory here we're not getting, because if it's FIL's relatives, I'm not seeing why MIL is at fault.

Because the FIL is dead? The OP stated he died in 2012.

Well, that wasn't in the OP, which just stated the husband's aunt, and I don't have time to read through 10 pages for extra information.

Still - who does the woman upset? Her family who are hosting an important, one-off, never to be repeated, or her granddaughter, who will have another birthday the following year? Why is nobody understanding this? She was in an impossible position.

we all understand, she ran out on her granddaughter because she got a "better offer"

She did not get a 'better offer'. She had something to attend that she probably could not say no to - a one off event that can not be repeated - that was *more important* than a child's birthday party. Personally I think that she attended at all was a bonus.