Anger: Managing & Controlling ItEveryone gets angry from time to time; this is “normal”. I'm speaking about the kind of anger that people have great difficulty controlling or managing: deep inside they are constantly, chronically angry.

This is not a problem in itself. It is When, and How and Where, and with or at Whom you display that anger and take it out on that is the problem most frequently.

But first, let's talk about Anger for a moment. What is it, and why do we become angry?There is one very common reason:

And that is quite simply that anger is often a mask for fear and vulnerability. Anger can be a strong emotion that you feel in an otherwise numb existence (see below - Forms Of Anger).

You may feel that no one pays attention to you unless you compel it. You may also enjoy getting angry because it makes you feel powerful.

Getting angry can alienate others and is rarely a good way to communicate effectively with them or enlist their support. It is an effective way to increase the risk for heart disease and to undermine your immune system.

See further below on how to 'manage' anger . . .

To continue, consider the following, please.FACT: Most people who say they have an anger management or control problemreally don't have one. They/You actually manage and control it very well

- and reserve a special person/place to become the target;

and then they/you use the “I can't control it”, or “I can’t help myself”, routines.

Or, you/they blame the victim, “you made me hit you”.

WRONG – on all counts! Those actions and words are CHOICES – not mindless reactions.Other choices could have easily been made. It hurts when people know someone chose to hurt them – by choice.

You/They CHOOSE to carry out that aggression. You/They can also choose NOT TO, and you can turn your anger, and it's behaviours, around today - if you want to. See below.

Anger intensity varies widely, and it is important to distinguish between the normal anger, and harmful anger.Anger comes in three forms, "degrees" or levels. They are:

Anger: which is a strong or violent feeling of displeasure, antagonism and aggressive hostility aroused, or triggered by real or suspected wrong.

It is usually accompanied with a desire to punish, or retaliate: the anger may be excessive or misplaced.

Rage: which is a vehement explosive form of anger. Rage is an instinctive responseto the sense we are under threat, either physically or emotionally.

Anything that challenges our dignity or threatens the control we wield over our lives can trigger anger at this deep level (rage) – this is often, or usually, misdirected.

Fury: is an excess of rage, amounting almost to madness or insanity (sometimes referred to as a “blind rage” where the individual is no longer aware of what they are doing; also known as going “berserk”).

It is the most violent and destructive form – it too, is almost always misdirected.

Misdirected means it is taken out on the person(s) or thing(s) who are not the actual, original cause of the “root anger”; the targets/victims are not the perpetrator(s).

Anger comes in two modes: Inner (or Inward) Anger, and Outward Anger

Outwardly expressed anger is easy to recognize, but angry thoughts and feelings may also exist internally, well concealed from others.

The anger cycle:

The open expression of outward anger by one person to another is almost always like a reflex action to reduce inner tension.

For the immediate moment the person may feel some elation for having "gotten it out" but the frequent normal response is guilt.

Guilt then will lead to remorse that the person had been so hard, violent or mean to the victim upon whom the anger was vented.

This remorse will function like a "self-checking" device and result in the anger being held in so that the anger becomes "inward(inner) anger", which often leads to depression (it also increases self-loathing).

This is a dysfunctional, maladaptive and self-defeating model of handling, controlling and managing anger.

Anger is a powerful force: before anger reaches these levels, if you are afflicted by it please seek counselling and learn to understand and conquer this madness.

CAUSES of Anger (see above in the intro)There are many "causes" of anger - and these will mostly be different for each person - although they may share some in common (and any unresolved “causes” will result in “triggers” – see below).

The anger is often (usually) connected to an event, or events from the past, or as we've just seen, at ourslves.

The "event" that triggers it - is usually NOT the real reason - it becomes the trigger" or "excuse". It is easy to detect this: where it is not the real reason - the reaction will normally be totally out of proportion to what just happened, or what was just said, etc.

Frequently, we get angry because something another person says or does, reminds us of some quality or habit we have ourselves that we are unhappy with, but rather than dealing with our own weakness, we "project it" onto others and take the anger at ourselves out on other people.

Anger is also a problem when it affects our relationships with those we love or at work.

How much has anger cost you in the past; and are you still willing to pay that cost?

Thus both anger, and when it is a problem, will vary for each person, yet anger canbe a normal part of all our lives, if managed, conquered and controlled constructively and positively.

Triggers: Triggers are any current thing (or person) that reminds the angry person of the original hurts, causes, events and/or people, etc, of the past that created the anger originally.

Therefore, sometimes (or often) a particular person (or event) can serve as a "trigger" because they remind the angry person of things from the past, and the person or thing now in front of them become the substitute for the one we're really angry at (therefore, often having a "hate on" for all authority figures (for example; teachers, policemen, etc).

Actually, a current event can result in a reaction so intense that it brings the “original event” back in sharp focus and detail, as if it were happening again, all over.

That’s why the reaction is so strong.

The following questions identify potential problems you may have with anger and/or control. It can point to serious signs of danger in intimate relationships.

Do friends and family feel free to share their thoughts and feelings with you?

If a stranger knew everything about your relationship with friends and family, would s/he say you get along well with them?

Has anyone ever said s/he is afraid of you?

Do your spouse and/or friends avoid conflict with you?

Has someone ever received a bruise as a result of your actions during an argument?

Have you ever broken an object (glass, chair, vase, ashtray, etc.) during or right after an argument?

Have you ever called someone a bitch, bastard or some other derogatory name?

Has a friend or spouse ever accused you of being angry, and you felt you had to prove him or her wrong?

Have you ever surprised yourself by how angry you got and by what you did?

Have you ever hurt yourself punching or kicking a wall in anger?

Have you ever been "blind" with rage, or could not remember what you did when angry?

Would a friend or spouse say that you have ever slapped or hit him/her?

Have you ever ripped someone's clothes when angry?

When angry, have you shaken your fist or raised your hand toward someone?

If you answered these honestly and truthfully, and you answered YES to more than half of these, you have an anger, and an anger-control, problem. It is a source of Stress.

Taking Control of Your Anger: Controlled anger sometimes proves useful: it is the staying in control that is important.

Lesson: anything done out of anger and in haste hurts others, destroys, and always comes back on yourself.

Facing your anger is an important first step.

Learning new reactions is an important second one.

You may find that meditation also helps.

Suggestions for change: Managing Your Anger

Avoid inappropriate/disproportionate anger by identifying and acknowledging your feelings as they arise: ask yourself, what is causing the fear that underlies the anger?

Example: If you react with anger to trying situations, examine what you can do to prevent such occurrences (these are just two examples, you can come up with ones that are relevant to your situation, and approach them in the same manner as these..

E.g., if your car tires need air, top them up when you notice it, and avoid creating an avoidable drama when they blow in the middle of a journey to an important appointment.

If you rely on anger to make you feel powerful,

then explore more benign ways to get the same feeling; e.g, take an advanced driver’s course.

2. If you crave high-stakes, high-drama excitement,

then a challenging sport may be a good option, such as adventure excursions, white-water rafting or mountaineering.

Solutions to many issues are essentially simple, once you make the choice of truly addressing them.

The challenge: Do you know whether you are ready to implement them and be willing to change?

Workshops - SeminarsAnger is a terrible, destructive force, but like most energy it can be harnessed for your benefit or allowed to roam wildly and destroy you.

One of the main problems in anger control is that our culture does not teach functional ways for people to handle anger and aggression - and thus it become suppressed - only to pop out at the first "trigger".

If the suggestions above were not fully helpful to you, but at the same time you "get it", but need a bit more help, a workshop may be useful to you.

You may also find the Self-Sabotaging/Self-Defeating Behaviours page here, helpful.

This "inward anger" over time will lead to resentment towards the original person (perpetrator/target) whom the open anger expression was delivered at.

If the resentment remains as an unresolved issue (not having adequately dealt with the originalcause or perpetrator) something down the road begins to irritatethe "angry person", over time he/she will not hold it in any longerand express anger out all over again.

This will lead to a repeat of the anger cycle of guilt, remorse, anger-in, resentment, irritation and anger-out expression.