How to give a killer speech

That dreaded day has come. You have to make a speech. And you want it to be nice yet funny; not too short, not too long; substantive but not heavy; light yet memorable. That’s a lot of tightropes. But don’t panic. Tune into the following tips from Vir Das, India’s leading stand-up comic, actor and host of the GQ Men of the Year Awards 2011.

Start well: If you can get them hooked in the first two minutes, you can do what you want for another 95, says Das. “So if the first thing that comes out of your mouth is ‘Er... er... er...,’ you’re in trouble.”

Full disclosure: Das would like to clarify that by this he doesn’t mean nudity. “What I mean is, if I tell a joke and it bombs, I’m the first guy to say, ‘That was a terrible joke.’” This gets the audience on your side. Das also suggests taking a leaf from the Kanye West book by interrupting someone else’s speech, just to surprise the audience.

Keep your jokes short and relevant: Das says there aretwo keys to a successful joke: timingand amount of time – and they are twodifferent things. Timing is the timebetween set-up and punchline. Time isthe duration of the joke. So don’t taketoo long. “Half the audience is happy foryou,” Das says. “Twenty-five per cent hate your guts as you go up on stage.The other 25 per cent are there to be seen – they don’t give a shit. So the joke betterbe a damn good one. And it better beabout you. Don’t start with, ‘So, Santa andBanta walked into a bar...’”

Keep lube handy: To keep your voice and throat well-lubed, Das recommends a shot of vodka. And keep your distance from the mic. Lastly, “If the person who came on before you was a Sonam Kapoor, Arjun Rampal, Abhishek Bachchan… In other words, an annoyingly tall person, quietly bring the mic to your level. And don’t make a joke about your height.”

And finally, avoid: “Nudity – because you are going to be naked at the after-party anyway,” says Das.