Posts Tagged ‘Misty Mountains’

Well, it’s been a few centuries, but I think I have things all worked out. I’ve been living a simple life in the forests of Western Eriador, which is very pleasant as long as I can avoid Iarwain Ben-adar, that annoying little fuckstain.

Sorry, sorry. The “new me” doesn’t use language like that. And Iarwain is free to pursue his lifestyle of singing, scampering, lily-collecting, and making my fucking skin crawl with his insipid banality.

Sorry.

Anyway — working things out. As it stands, most of the Men left in Middle-earth live in the East beyond Rhovanion and south below the Ephel Dúath, although there are a scattering of them here in Eriador. There are a couple of Dwarf cities, notably the Dwarrowdelf in the Misty Mountains and Belegost in the Blue Mountains (the latter is in ruins, but a large number of Dwarves live in the region).

And then there are the Elves. There are still lots of those, in settlements all throughout the big honkin’ forest that covers most of the sub-continent. The major Elf nations are: a Nandorin kingdom at Amon Lanc; another Nandorin kingdom at Lórinand; Edhellond, a Sindarin sea-haven way down in the Belfalas; Eregion, where a remnant of the Noldor still dwell; and finally Lindon, the Land of Seven Rivers, where the Noldorin High King rules over Elves of all tribes.

Aren’t you impressed that I have learned about all these little mortals and their nations? I keep notes on Post-Its.

So the way I see it, as the wisest and most powerful being left in Middle-earth, I have a responsibility to offer my aid to all these little kingdoms — Men, Dwarves, and Elves — and to help them run things more efficiently. You know — agricultural policy, land management, economic policy, that kind of thing. Certainly none of these Children of Ilúvatar has ever completed a formal course in Public Policy! Fortunately, I have a strong sense of Noblesse oblige.

To begin my new career as a senior political adviser, I needed a new name. I thought about this for a long time. Obviously, “Sauron Gorthaur” wouldn’t do, as that name has become associated with certain unfortunate mistakes made, in my name by subordinates, during the Melkor administration.

So that left:

a.) Tevildo, Lord of Cats: Absolutely not. This is from an embarrassing period in my past and I won’t discuss it. Anyway, it lacks gravitas.
b.) Mairon the Admirable: My original name. Eru had hardly sliced my parts off the sprues and cemented them together before he named me Mairon. By the time I hooked up with Melkor I was going by “Sauron”; but while I dated Melian she always called me Mairon.
c.) Thu the Hunter: The Elves of Dorthonion and Dungortheb used to call me that. I was hunting them, of course. Good times. Hardly appropriate now, though.
d.) Mr. Spottybottom: We used to get really, really bored during the long dull centuries in Angband, and we would make silly bets. One time I lost a bet (something about spinning hard-boiled eggs), and had to let everyone call me “Mr. Spottybottom” for a month. It’s okay — Draugluin had to go as “Lady Vaginastank” for an entire year.

Clearly I needed some new ideas. After many years of thought, and some late night brainstorming sessions with Young Man Willow, I came up with these:

a.) Aulendil, the Servant of Aulë: From a practical standpoint, this would be a great name. I taught Aulë everything he knows, and will be sharing many of the same skills with the Children of Ilúvatar. Elves love Aulë; Dwarves worship him as their creator; and Men seem to really enjoy diaereses. But unfortunately, I would have to vomit every time I said it.
b.) Artano the High Smith: Same idea as above, but with no mention of my former boss.
c.) Tom Bombadil: One day I overheard some Mannish children talking about that “wonderful ol’ Tom Bombadil who lives down by the Baranduin River,” and how “handsome” and “amazing” he was. I have no idea how the little sweethearts came up with that silly name for me, but I did briefly consider adopting it. Again, though, not enough gravitas. I am a Maia, fer crissakes.
d.) Annatar, Lord of Gifts: This name has it all. Everyone likes lords — if there were no one to tell you what to do, how would anything get done? And everyone likes gifts!

So from now on, I am Annatar, Lord of Gifts. And this is Annatar’s Blog. Soon, I will be taking off for Lindon, where I intend to present myself to the High King and allow him to take advantage of my services as a counselor.

I’ve been living in out in Eriador in the East. I said “living,” not “hiding.” It would only be “hiding” if I cared if Melkor knew where I am, which I don’t.

Anyway, Eriador is almost entirely forested. There are a few Elves living out here, the so-called Avari, who were too smart to follow the summons to Valinor; some Dwarves; and a good number of Men. So, there’s plenty of food. I’m still in the form of a great werewolf, most days, so it’s easy to hunt.

The nice thing about Eriador is, all of Melkor’s crap is over in Beleriand by the sea, where Ulmo can interfere. Eriador is far, far from the sea, and always will be.

I like living in the forest. The trees shelter me during the day from the heat and light of the accursed Sun; and at night I don’t have to look at the useless Moon or at Varda’s filthy stars, which mar the perfection of the Celestial Firmament that Melkor and I built with our own hands. You know, back when Melkor wasn’t an incompetent boob more concerned with shiny gems and the affairs of mortals than with achieving our revenge against Manwë the Dickless Prick and his Valar Traitors.

Anyway.

So I’ve been living out here, taking it easy, bossing around the local wolves and trolls, and snacking on a wide buffet of mortal creatures — even Dwarves, when I’m hungry for something stringy and gristly that tastes like ass. It’s worth it to hear them scream.

This morning I was sleeping under a huge willow tree down by the river — a nasty, mean-spirited tree with a heart of pure blackness, so we get along fine — when I was awakened by singing. Why is it that every bad thing in my life starts with singing?

At least it wasn’t the thin, reedy, fingernails-on-a-chalkboard-whatever-a-chalkboard-is singing of an Elf, nor the gruff atonal caterwauling of a Man, nor the deep, flatulent intonations of a Dwarf. No, this was proper singing. Ainu singing.

I immediately threw on a pleasing anthropomorphic form, the kind of thing I used to wear when sneaking around Taniquetil or the borders of Doriath. I hid in the bushes, and saw a woman approaching — clearly a Maia, but one who had taken on the form of a Mannish princess, for some unfathomable reason. She was fair-skinned and blonde-haired, like the accursed Edain of north-eastern Endor; and she wore a green dress shot with silver, and a gold belt.

I needed to know why she was there — was she a spy for Manwë, or worse yet, for Tulkas? Was she somehow related to Melian? I stepped out into the open and greeted her.

Here’s what I learned. Her name was Golodhbereth, and she was one of the lesser of the minor nature spirits, a Naiad; and a servant of Yavanna, the slut wife of my former boss Aulë. She had wandered out of Aman and into Middle-earth because she was “collecting flowers.”

And you know what? This chick was so mind-bendingly stupid, I could believe it. Seriously. I’ve had more enlightening conversations with piles of Orc dung.

So, I had options. I could have seduced her, or better yet raped her; but I’m not really interested in that sort of thing, and I’m saving up all my raping and killing energy for when I encounter Melian again. I could have destroyed her, damning her spirit to wander formless and cold across the face of Arda until the Final Battle — but someone might miss her (unlikely, but a possibility), so I decided to spare her. In the end, I just sent her on her way, down to the river, to collect “water lilies,” whatever the hell those are. I wasn’t terribly worried about her reporting my position to her friends in Valinor, because (a) she didn’t know who I was and (b) she probably forgot me five minutes after leaving me.

I changed back into Dire Wolf form and laid back down, and was just settling into a wonderful dream about ripping apart and consuming Manwë’s twisted hröa, when I heard more goddam singing. Yes, Ainu singing, although the worst I had ever heard.

Since Melkor and I had arrived on this shitty little disk of rock so many geological eras ago, we had not seen hide nor hair of Iarwain Ben-adar, the mysterious and unidentified spirit who alone had preceded us into this universe. We had decided it was some poor joke by the typically hilarious Eru Ilúvatar, and forgotten all about it.

But here he was, tra-la-la-ing along the forest path like some ruddy Mannish homosexual, mincing and prancing like he owned the forest. MY forest.

So I attacked, leaping into the air with slavering fangs three feet long, claws of blood-stained Adamant, eyes like twin wheels of fire. I fell upon him like a mountain of black, overpowering death.

Something went wrong, and the world twisted, and a moment later I was on my back, dazed, while Iarwain Ben-fucking-adar continued on his flouncing way like nothing had happened.

I leapt to my feet, summoned a storm of lighting and smothering darkness in the sky overhead; covered the forest floor for miles in all directions with a greenish miasma that sucked the life from all things; howled a terrible howl that chilled the Sun, froze the blood, and was remembered in the whispered mid-winter tales of every mortal tribe living within a thousand miles for centuries to come; and leapt again, ready to rend the limbs from the poncy little poltroon, consume his soul and crap it back out down his throat.

Twist, blank, and I’m on my ass again — and he’s hopping down the bunny trail. WTF?

Fine. Whatever. Who cares? Big deal. Let him go down to the river. I hope he finds that Golodhbereth chick, they deserve each other.

Unhappily, I found my spot under Young Man Willow and laid back down. I was just settling into a wonderful dream where Melian was begging me to take her back, but I didn’t care and was ripping her intestines out through her nostril anyway, when I smelt something burning.

At least no one was singing.

I looked up and saw that the forest was on fire. Well, that was cool, burning was what trees were best at. I decided to head over, because I was still pretty bummed out by my run-in with that asshole in the feathered cap, and living things dying agonizingly in flames always cheers me up.

So imagine my surprise when I saw that the flames were being left in the wake of the passing of a Balrog. I recognized him — a fellow named Lungorthin, one of Gothmog’s crew.

Now see, if I were hiding in Eriador, I would certainly have avoided letting Lungorthin see me. Also, I did not reveal myself to Lungorthin because I was desperate for the company of one of my own kind after years in exile. That would be pathetic.

No, I approached Lungorthin to be polite.

He was surprised to see me. Apparently, the belief around the Angband water cooler (whatever a water cooler is) was that I had been destroyed along with my tower at Tol-in-Gaurhoth — as if! Sauron Gorthaur the Deceiver, Lord of Werewolves, Chief of the Maiar, destroyed by that half-breed whelp Lúthien Tinúviel? Puh-lease. She’s lucky I let her live.

Strangely, I guess those Balrogs I ran into in Taur-nu-Fuin never reported to Melkor that they had seen me. Let me tell you , it’s all phone calls and telegrams with those people in Angband — rumors spread like wildfire, but genuine information is hoarded like Silmarils. (Whatever a phone — oh, you get the picture.)

Lungorthin filled me in on what’s been going on in the four decades or so since Melkor let Melian’s little brat steal one of his shiny rocks from right off his noggin. The big news, as far as Lungorthin was concerned, was that Gothmog was destroyed, slain while killing an Elf-lord of Gondolin. Yes, Melkor finally found Gondolin, and Nargothrond, and destroyed them both. Carcharoth, that traitorous little dumbass, was dead too, killed by Huan, of all people.

But the big news was this — that little bitch Elu Thingol was killed by a bunch of Dwarves (fighting over that damned Silmaril), and Melian bailed on all the Elves and went back to Aman!

What!?

At this point, I stopped Lungorthin. For one thing, it was a lot to absorb. For another, it was beginning to look like the tide had turned for Melkor, and through sheer luck the old moron was actually achieving his goal of ridding Beleriand of the accursed Noldor and Edain.

Which made me look like a complete and total dumbass for quitting and going to Eriador. And what was I going to tell Melkor? That I got lost? I didn’t keep track of the time? I had something important to pick up in the Hithaeglir, and I forgot to mention I would be gone so long?

I realized the only thing I could do, while I mulled all this new information and formulated a plan, was kill Lungorthin. I couldn’t have him heading back to Angband and concocting some lie about me hiding out under a willow tree in Eriador getting fat on Elf-flesh.

So I leapt to my feet, summoned a storm of lighting and smothering darkness in the sky overhead — you know, the works. Now let me assure you, I could easily have killed Lungorthin. He’s quite subordinate to me, and doesn’t carry any weapon but a big flaming whip. Unfortunately, he’s fast. Balrogs may not have wings, but they can run like they’re flying. I chased Lungorthin for hundreds of miles, until he wormed his way down a hole under the Misty Mountains and I couldn’t find him again. Asshole.

Well, he’s not getting out of there. I’m going to keep an eye on Eregion, and if Lungorthin so much as sticks his ugly flammable nose out for some fresh air I’ll have his head.

So. Melkor is consolidating his hold over Beleriand. Melian fled back to her Valar friends in Aman, taking all her power with her. Things are beginning to look up.