Thursday, 11 April 2013

I am so happy that I'm afraid any moment I might pass out from it. There is a day when all men fall and falter, there is a day like that coming for me too but it is not today. Today I am standing tall and God has enabled me to do so. He has taken me from evil, from all the weaknesses that so commonly exist in human beings and he has delivered me to safety. I know I sound all preachy but now I don't care about people anymore, I am what I was supposed to be. I have passed my test. One of the toughest ones that ever face anyone. At the end of all of it I am pure. And there's no blood on my hands anymore and no guilt; imaginary or otherwise. Everything I have faced, all the troubles I have seen, the graves I have been in don't matter anymore. I survived them and no matter what tomorrow has in store for me, I will survive that too because I know that I am not weak. I know that I have character and integrity that cannot be bought, that cannot be tarnished, that no one anywhere can have even if they sell their very souls for it. Now I know that good exists as I have now come across people I cannot believe are alive. You can imagine how I must rub my eyes at such a sight. I had never seen anything but filth and selfishness and evil and now there is so much good around me. It teaches me that no matter what happens or what we see on t.v or read about in the papers, there will always be more good than evil. Good is just more easily concealed. I also know now that one must never lose hope because there is a point between when you're crushed to the ground completely broken with nowhere to go that you feel that last urge inside you rise. That last little voice that says there is still a battle to be fought if you are ready to fight and that even if it is a losing battle, it is better than dying here with the knowledge that you did nothing. We cannot keep looking back, at every point we can only hope to do the right thing, to make the choice that satisfies our conscience and our principles. Promises are cheap, humans are weak, and we never know anything till it is our time to know but remember this : getting all that you ever wanted means nothing if you didn't get it the right way. Money is nothing, power is nothing, fame is pointless, the only thing that matters is who you are and whether or not you'd betray yourself for a distant ship over the ocean that promises safe haven and glories. I think I still remember all too well this Chinese story I read as a kid in which one sister chooses to work and toil hoping that water will come out of the ground in the island that she lives in and life shall flourish again and one sister that sells herself off. You can imagine how that works out. One become a phoenix in the end and the second sister dies in the ocean condemned to scream her own bloody murder for all eternity. I don't know what the future brings but it is not my business to know, my business is only to do what's right and to trust in God completely and to work hard and try to do all the things I used to dream about as a kid. There is time yet for redemption and it is all mine at last.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

For some time I had myself thinking that I'd repaid my debt. That my pain would finally be over and that I could spend the remainder of my miserable existence in some vague semblance of peace. But it was not to be. Some things one thinks are only ever found in the movies, the sort of human characteristics that arise in certain melodramatic scenes that are supposed to show you something profound or some shit like that. I thought I knew darkness, the way Bane mentioned it (as much as I hate to make a Batman reference) but I had yet to see part of the bottom of it. Because what I now feel is a petrifying darkness, a darkness that numbs all of one's senses and reduces them to nothing. I cry out for help but I feel no peace inside. I thought I'd be stronger by now, after everything that had happened, but I'm broken like a little girl who somebody slapped before taking her favorite doll away. I feel like a child. A child that sees everything but is powerless to stop the progression of it. Except what I'm seeing is myself and my life. God help me. I need strength to carry on and I don't know how to get back up. But I'm going to try because there is something inside me that never stops saying 'you are more than this' that never stops saying 'tell me it's going to take more than this to finish you'. It says 'tell me I didn't fight this long only for you to fail me now'. But where do I turn to in my moment of panic and fear?