Charlie Sheen urges CBS to hurry up and use him while he's still sober

Having wrapped up his recent lecture circuit, a newly choco-tastic Charlie Sheen is refreshed and ready to return to work on Two And A Half Men—if only the short-sighted forces at CBS would let him. Sheen called into The Dan Patrick Show today, his voice reduced to a laryngitic rasp because he said he’d spent the morning “banging on the door” of the studio, crying out for someone to let him get back to the business of making people laugh. Sadly, his voice only echoed in the void with no one there to greet him, the network apparently having failed to live up to its side of their “You get ready and we’ll get ready” contract. As Sheen put it, “I’m here and I’m ready, they’re not. Bring it”—an ultimatum delivered in response to a “forced” hiatus that means, as Sheen now believes, “at this pace,” the show will resume filming sometime around “August 2014.” Although by then it could be far too late and the network will have missed its launch window, as Sheen threatened, “I heal really quickly but I also unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys.” It's sort of like landing the space shuttle, if the Earth's atmosphere were made of coke and hookers.