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Friday, April 10, 2009

Preserving Illusions

Of late, all my nights have become a haze of jumbled voices, uttering every form of profanity, filled with uneasy, drunken laughter, as I watch through rising clouds of cigarette smoke.

I don't know how I could have been so naive. Till two weeks ago, I honestly believed that a valfi was a time for memories and laughter, for honesty and closure. But this year as I watched closely for the first time, all my little illusions shattered one by one. I watched as people brought out the character flaws of their friends -things they disliked about each other but never had the courage to point out- disguised them clumsily as jokes and read them out into a microphone, on a stage, for all the world to hear. I watched as they spoke disrespectfully of friends and used words I had never heard of before and wish I could never hear again. I sat through many readings trying hard not to listen, too cowardly, too unsure, to get up and leave.

I like my illusions, I don't want to lose them. I like to believe that I would never judge anyone on the basis of three pages written about them by their drunken friends, but sometimes, I can't help but wonder if there isn't a grain of truth behind some smutty tale. As I spend more time here, as I listen and observe, I'm frightened at my own growing cynicism.

Of course valfis like I always imagined exist too. I like to think my own was one such. It was 9:30 am on a weekday morning and we had all been in our chiffon sarees and heavy jewelery for over 12 hours. We had spent the night reading, reminiscing, laughing, blushing and crying. The morning was quiet, the sun shone, but the terrace hadn't yet turned uncomfortably warm. I was surrounded by people I loved and respected. I couldn't have asked for more.

So it is that I am able to fight off the romance of an overpowering cynicism and still preserve a shred of my old naivety. Some illusions must be preserved. I still need something to believe in.

6 comments:

Profiles don't contain things that we dislike about our dearest of dear friends. Rather things that would make a man laugh at himself. Which is all the more reason to bring them out in the open. Who better to do that than people from within his close circle. Since that, too often to negate, is the surest way to attain closure of passing out or acceptance of enduring sweethearts pass out.

On a more general note, I don't believe any illusion is worth keeping. More so, if it's the illusion of being in a protected environment. It hits you harder the more you delay it. :)

I had a similar experience while they casually abused my brother on stage! All I wanted to do was run away but I managed to sit through it.. but yeah! later as I was told or rather I prefer to keep it that way that thats how guys "bond".. so I dint say a word and enjoyed the rest of it sometimes turning a deaf ear to stuff that was being said..but some of them surely are fun! :)

It is not illusion. It is the way one looks at life. If a person wants to see only the half empty cup it will remain so. It takes only a few matured cultured mind to see fully and only the half full side. It world anyway1