Creating a safe place in which women can share their concerns, their victories and their feelings regarding rising out of abusive situations.
Sometimes you may not have anyone to talk with about this; I am here. I have been where you are.
If you need immediate assistance, dial 911.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Sometimes people are truly interested, and want to understand and perhaps help.

But, so many times, the person asking the question, is being condescending, judgmental and rude.

The rude people person says things like:

"Well, if it was me, I'd just leave."

Or:

"Women who don't leave must be stupid, sick or lazy. They deserve what they get."

As someone who has overcome abuse, I beg you, please don't say insensitive things like that. Your feeling of moral superiority is not helping the woman. You are getting any "points" for looking down on the abused woman.

Comments like that? Contribute to why some abused women do not leave.

Abused women sometimes don't leave, for a variety of reasons:

Feeling that they deserve abuse.

In denial that they are being abused.

Unable to immediately provide for themselves or their children.

Housing.

Lack of health insurance.

Fear of being found and hurt, or even killed, for leaving.

Being told that something is wrong with them that they cannot just deal with it.

Their abuser is nice and/or responsible to others, and seemingly only abuses them.

Being in love.

Not having a healthy self esteem.

Feeling like a failure.

...and hundreds of other potential reasons...

So, if a friend, a co-worker, or a family member comfides that they are experiencing abuse...or if you hear of someone being abused...be patient, be kind, ask what you can do to help, or refer them to numbers or resources, that could possibly help.

Treat the abused women with the same kindness, compassion and respect you would use if it was your daughter, mother or wife.

And please, save your self righteousness, judgment and impatience for another time.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Imagine actually believing that you don't deserve to be happy. Being so downtrodden that every decision is put through the filter of
"what does ot matter, I don't deserve to be happy, anyway?"

After a while careless decisions become easier and easier to make. Excuses for not achieving, not overcoming become easier and easier to find. Until nothing seems to matter.

Spiritual Warfare is real, and it takes place in the soul...the soul consists of the mind, emotions and the will. Why does it happen there? Because that part of our natures is not made new when we become born again. Our spirits become new, not our souls. And so begins the battle, the strife, between soul and spirit.

The soul remembers, the soul meditates on thoughts, emotions, and the past. The soul worries.

The balance is so filling our lives with the Word of God, the things of God, the actual presence of God, that our spirits bring our souls into alignment with Godly character.

One of the parables that Jesus spoke of was becoming "good ground". In order to become good ground we have to allow the thorns and weeds of this life to be dug up and routed out. Thoughts, emotions and the past, especially negative ones, can be thought of as the thorns and weeds that need to be dug up, in order to make us "good ground".

So the message that I got, and operated under for most of my life "that I don't deserve to be happy" was a weed. A negative impact on on the way I thought of myself, my choices and my corner of the world.

God doesn't automatically, nor instantly, just make us good ground. In fact, it is left up to us to do that kind of work.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

...Jordan and I sit alone, tonight...in a shelter...for battered women...I post this because the kind of judgment that gets passed on me? Was why am I living like this, at this stage in my life?
Women who have been abused, raped, taken advantage of, are supposed to break the cycle of abuse, get to a safe place and get help...so I did...
But it is inconvenient, embarrassing and frankly, not well tolerated...but, I did what I was supposed to do, to not be hurt anymore...
So who really can judge?
Would you want your daughter, sister or mother to be hurt, damaged and devastated, just to save face?
Nope...
The Bible says 7 times a man falls, and 7 times he gets up again...
It seems funny to me, that the ones who judge the most, are the same ones who ask why abused women don't leave...see the two edged sword of it all?
Some women don't leave abusive situations, because mean spirited people judge them, and make things harder for them...so, please shut up...seriously, unless you have walked even 10 ten steps in these shoes...

Monday, August 29, 2016

Despite living through multiple abusive situations, I would like to think I am about hope, about reaching back to help others.
What is it that makes some people prone to being abused, and some not?
Are those who are abused more than once, or by more than one person, somehow inherently flawed, or deserving of abuse?
I am not sure that is a valid point to make. Because aren't all people worthy of being shown respect, worthy of not living in fear?
I am what an abused person looks like, not a victim so much, but an overcomer. I am not so inherently flawed that I deserve to be treated badly.
It is sort of funny in a way, because counseling for abused people starts by teaching us to ask for help. I guess a lot of people have too much pride to ask for help. I don't have unhealthy pride like that. I know enough to know when I cannot handle everything.
But what about when help doesn't come? Or when there is no one to ask for help?

The old testament, in proverbs, speaks about getting away from from abuse...make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go, lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul.
I bet a lot of abused wives would have liked to claim that scripture and get away, rather than dying at the hands of their abusers.
No one can sit in judgement of those who are abused, because until you have been there, you don't know what it is like.

What kind of father doesn't see his disabled son, for any reason?
When Jordan and I moved back down South, there were lots of expected and unexpected things we faced. But I am not sure I could have forseen Jordan's dad not even caring to see him.
And he blames it all on me? His bad behaviors are my fault? So he says. He is more consumed that I not speak openly about it, than he is with seeing his flesh and blood, disabled son.
There are no words for such heartlessness.
So, besides praying and move on? We are going to act like none of them even exist. It is the only way to shield my son from this hurt. They are now in God's hands. So, sad.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

So at some time any person who has gone through abuse will ask themselves a question like this...which is, do we all abuse???

20 years ago yelling or spanking wasn't considered abuse; in some households it was just the average pre dinner routine.
But now courts are saying we cannot even spank our children, for goodness sake.

When I speak of abuse I am not speaking of yelling at your kids, or even spanking them.

I am speaking of adult on adult, physical violence, verbal and mental abuse and sexual abuse.

My ex once punch a hole in the wall and then said

"I bet you are glad you aren't the wall"

...and that is abuse.

So too, of course, is getting punched.
So, in effort to answer to the question:

I think we all can abuse, cross a line, or even "lose it" big time.

The abuse comes in making the other person afraid. The abuse comes in the power play.The abuse comes in exerting power, fear or intimidation over the other person.

If I want my children to learn to respect others, they must first respect me...but making them fearful is not the same as teaching respect.

And in a marriage, or love relationship, why would there be any cause for instilling fear or intimidation? In a romantic relationship there is no boss, no parent, no authority figure. Yet many marriages are conducted that way.

I am deciding, as I write this, that maybe I may not marry again. I might, but the chances are small. I am not cynical about love, far from it, just pragmatic.

I wonder what God thinks of those who plead the cause for neglected pets, but see nothing wrong with aborting human babies? Sees nothing wrong with abusing humans.

I wonder if God's heart breaks when those who are mentally or physically disabled, are cast aside?

Don't get me wrong, I adore animals, but not to the exclusion of humans, and to the plight some humans face.

How did we get so far off the path of caring for one another?

...if I can impart any wisdom at all...it would be to say, that those you cast aside, are human...despite their challenges they know if they are loved, respected and enjoyed...the can feel your apathy, they can tell you see them as a burden...and most of all your silence is deafening...

...when you decide which causes are most important to you, check out your own family first, and find those who are hurting, discarded and abandoned...before spending your energies on other things...even in the Bible we are admonished to care for the widows and orphans... (but are we?)

Okay, so I am bright, educated...heck, I can be a laugh a minute riot...but can a person get to the point where they are unable to trust? Sometimes I think that I have.

In proverbs in the Bible it says words to the effect that we are not make no friendship with an angry man...and with a furious man we should not go...lest we learn his ways and get a snare unto our souls...But what if we have been with more than one furious man? are we damned? No. I do not think that is what it is saying...I think it means we can learn their bad habits...we can learn their disregard for respect...which could explain how some women can go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.

..I wonder what God thinks of those who plead the cause for neglected pets, but see nothing wrong with aborting human babies?
...I wonder if God's heart breaks when those who are mentally or physically disabled, are cast aside?

...don't get me wrong, I adore animals, but not to the exclusion of humans...

...how did we get so far off the path of caring for one another?

...if I can impart any wisdom at all...it would be to say, that those you cast aside, are human...despite their challenges they know if they are loved, respected and enjoyed...they can feel your apathy, they can tell you see them as a burden...and most of all your silence is deafening...

...when you decide which causes are most important to you, check out your own family first, and find those who are hurting, discarded and abandoned...before spending your energies on other things...even in the Bible we are admonished to care for the widows and orphans... (but are we?)

Saturday, August 27, 2016

You can be different. You can take responsibility for your life, and build something strong, healthy and loving.

It is not just enough to get away from an abuser, you must also to the work of becoming healthy, so that you don't keep attracting men with unhealthy habits. If you work at making yourself healthy, unhealthy men will walk away from you.

What does it take to be healthy?

It takes time, honest assessment, forgiveness and a willingness to love yourself. If you love yourself, you won't put up with others abusing, disrespecting or hurting you.

You do not need to be with someone so badly that you sell yourself and your self-esteem down the river, by being with an unhealthy partner.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Jordan and I are orphans.
And the thing about being orphans, is not a lot of people care; because if they did we would not be orphaned.

Jordan's dad has always had issues. His issue now with not seeing Jordan? Don't know. He claims it is me. But the thing is, I was manipulated, controlled and abused my his dad, not the other way around. Yet, I get to be shamed, and Jordan abandoned. Not cool.

But shunning is how people are controlled, however wrong it is.

...someone can tell you that someone else will do something, but until they do it, it never really seems real...
...what have I learned in life?
...to be an advocate for those who are cast aside...
...to assert and procure love and encouragement for the ones that no one else seems to love...
...to pity the self absorbed, clueless and mean-spirited...why? because they miss out on some really great people when the write them off...

Saturday, August 6, 2016

This past month I was raped.
Why announce it? Why not?
Raped is an ugly word, and an even uglier experience.
I blog for women who have been through horrible experiences.
And 17 years after seeking shelter for an abusive relationship, something else happened.
And the thing is, it must be talked about. All people who experience such a violation must have the freedom to talk about it.
I thought I had come so far in life. I mean hey, my blog is about empowering women. But abusers don't care who you are or what you have accomplished or overcome, they just take, impose and violate. They are like Terminators, and thye just don't care.

All I can say, is: he didn't know that he couldn't isolate me, continue to violate me...I had experience, I knew the red flags...I will overcome!

I am getting a 2nd printing on my book, but you can still go check it out:

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

It wasn't them, it was me. Well, not wholly me.
But if I wasn't impaired, insecure and otherwise emotionally damaged, I might not have endured bs, for the sake of being in love.
I didn't realize how off the mark I must have been, to have kept attracting men with blatant character flaws.
Self respect is not innate, it is taught. I wasn't taught it, so how would I have learned? I have no idea.
Maybe it is all academic.

Maybe I can read all about self esteem on line or in a library, but it still never settles in, never becomes tangible. Some of us will only learn the hard way.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Despite living through multiple abusive situations, I would like to think I am about hope, and about reaching back to help others.

What is it that makes some people prone to being abused, and some not?
Are those who are abused more than once, or by more than one person, somehow inherently flawed, or deserving of abuse?

I am not sure that is a valid point to make.

Because aren't all people worthy of being shown respect, worthy of not living in fear?

I am what an abused person looks like, not a victim so much, but an overcomer. I am not so inherently flawed that I deserve to be treated badly.
It is sort of funny in a way, because counseling for abused people starts by teaching us to ask for help. I guess a lot of people have too much pride to ask for help. I don't have unhealthy pride like that. I know enough to know when I cannot handle everything.
But what about when help doesn't come? Or when there is no one to ask for help?

The Old Testament, in proverbs, speaks about getting away from from abuse..."make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go, lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul."

I bet a lot of abused wives would have liked to claim that scripture and get away, rather than dying at the hands of their abusers.

No one can sit in judgment of those who are abused; because until you have been there, you don't know what it is like, or what you would do.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

So, I am supposed to feel badly about a lot of nonsense dumped on me by my family?
But I don't feel badly. Why? They weren't nice people.

And then miracle of miracles, I find out they weren't even my family in the first place.I lived for nearly 50 years thinking one man was my father; and out of love and respect for him I put up with a lot of grief and rancor, that simply wasn't right.

Finding out that they weren't my family, well, it was a very good day.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

So can woman really be a Bum Magnet? Or is Bum Magnet just a quote from the movie "Pretty Woman"?

As a recovering bum magnet, I say, yes, it is possible to only attract the lost, broken and dysfunctional. Others may find you attractive and intriguing, but they will never let you get close, because you lack proper boundaries.

It may sound harsh to say their brokenness could be about you, but it is. At least it was for me.

I had been so profoundly hurt that I had to put a barrier around me to shield myself from pain and vulnerability. But in this case a boundary, is not the same as a barrier. Boundaries are about self-respect, respect for others and care. Barriers are usually rough, crusty, jagged things that impede communication and vulnerability. And when someone tries to cross the barrier to care for us, i n a respectful manner, beat proverbially and psychologically beat the hell out of them, for revealing our pain. And we become more and more dysfunctional.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

...Someone once hinted that I might be an attention hound. I smiled. You see, I do have OCD (and I battle hideous insecurity, daily)...so yes, I am pretty sure that my OCD does gets attention....and I have come up out of abusive situations/where I felt too overwhelmed to even assert myself. ...and I wrote a novel/book about overcoming dysfunction, that is selling, worldwide...but the thing is though...it isn't about me, mostly...I open myself up and sometimes even play the fool, to get other people to open up...if people can see that other people have overcome, they are likely to feel that they can, too. ...that, and being bold, is sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse. ...for the most part I am all my 2 kids and I have, to stretch resources, to stay encouraged, and to keep us going in this great big world...so I have to willing to be scrappy...lol...and I am making peace with that...********************************************************************If you have ever been a doormat in a relationship...or did not feel empowered to change your destructive patterns...well, when you finally do, you are on your way to being different....I am different then from who I was the first time I my first husband belted me. ...I am different than from when I felt abandoned when I left my kids' abusive dad. ...I am different from who I was just a few years ago, when my latest husband came home and said he never loved me; but that he had only married me so I could help him raise his sons..I sure as heck had better be different...otherwise I might still be the blubbering idiot that ever lowered my standards long enough to have settle for any one of them...does that make sense? I don't hate men...I do feel the abusive, selfish, immature ones give men a bad name...but mostly, it wasn't about them...and if you are struggling in an unhealthy relationship, you may find your abusive relationship isn't 100% about your's man's faults, temper or pain, either...it is not about them all about them, it is about us.

Very few healthy, capable women get the hello knocked out of them more than once...and do you want to know why? Because they leave...if not the first time, at least the second time...and for them it is usually over...there is none of the lame, scary crap of going back over and over...and there is rarely any downward cycle that lets them choose unhealthy guys over and over...nope, because they grasp taking care of themselves...they grasp self-respect...they grasp asserting themselves in a healthy manner...

So if we don't leave immediately...why? If we go back, repeatedly...why? Or if we choose the same kinds of guys over and over again...why?

Because somewhere in our lives we did not learn, with clear decisiveness, to care for ourselves...somewhere we got a crossed signal...and we built on it...we built our sense of self on a wrong message.

*****************************************************************

Here are some truths I am just now figuring out in life:

I do not have to be in a relationship to be whole.

I am a good and worthy person.

I deserve to take care of myself; and if I do not take care of myself, no one else will.

I can learn things I didn't learn as a child and young adult.

If someone doesn't treat me nicely, I owe it to myself, my God and my children to assert myself firmly and politely...and if they continue to cross the line, it is ok to walk away...no matter who they are.

I like myself; so why wouldn't I take the time to take care of myself?...and even further along that same path...how can I extend care to others sincerely, if I cannot even show it to myself? I can't.

******************************************************************

So, when the dust settles on most unhealthy relationships...usually there are 2 people who need to to heal and get better, not just one...

Friday, April 27, 2012

has self respect; and requires/inspires it in others; is calm; is composed;
doesn't seek others’ approval; is capable and disciplined; knows what they like and what they don’t like; knows what they stand for, and isn’t afraid to take a stand; their sense of self is internally motivated and fed, rather than externally; is confident, though not arrogant; is assertive, though not aggressive; is gracious and hospitable, without being insecure or a doormat; they know strengths and weaknesses; they seek to keep good company, including those of character, integrity and manners; they think before the speak and act; they ask for help when they need it; they offer help when they can give it; they do not settle for second rate behaviors and attitudes in self or others; they express wants, needs and desires in a healthy fashion; they are quick and sincere in their forgiveness of self and others; they have or develop a strong work ethic; they strive to become a independent and interdependent; they set goals for short term and long term accomplishments; and they learn to handle both failure and success well. And when these attributes/traits are in your life it is not likely that you will end up in destructive cycles that include alcoholism, drug addiction or being with abusive partners...

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.

...maybe i am scared of what a healthy, normal relationship might be like...i have been fixing people so long, that i, myself, have become broken...

...i pitied my ex, with him raising his boys alone...so i caved and agreed to give my all...

...i pitied my ex (that became the father of my children), because he handed me a loaded gun and ask me to kill him if i wasn't going to date/marry him...so, i caved and gave into what he wanted...

...i pitied my first husband...because of his scars, his lack of friends, his home life...so, i caved and tried to make up for all he didn't get growing up...

...but why did i look for broken?

...maybe because my core belief was that i was damaged, and only other damaged people would want me...

...that is a really faulty core belief...and it did not serve me well at all...

...first i did not fix anyone...and whatever good I did plant, did not secure decent treatment from them...if anything they stayed broken, and i learned to be like them, instead of them learning to be like me...

...the kicker was though, i wasnt broken...i had normal faults, insecurities and "isms'...

...these days i am learning to be ok alone...work on me...try to shy away from those who need fixing; but not because I judge them, but because it really isn't my job to fix anyone...

...this may shock some people, but healthy "self love" is good...jesus said that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves...which logically translates to it being very difficult to give love to others, if we do not have it for ourselves...lots of well meaning people bashed the book "self love"...especially well meaning christians...i heard things like that book was teaching people to be selfish and self-centered...but, that is not true...we, as healthy humans, do have to have a healthy self image, self respect and confidence in order to make it in life...if not we can become beset with a myriad of hideous hindrances...like alcoholism, relationship addiction and leading to things even more severe...

...i did not love, except if i was needed...such as with my first husband...he was just the first man i slept with...and it was ingrained in me that if i slept with a man i had to marry him...so i did...

...i did not love the man who became my kids' father...his attention was flattering...i thought marrying him would get me back into my family's good graces...but he really was very disturbing and volatile...and because of these traits, i do not want a lot to do with my family because they still associate with him...

...and i did not love my ex with the three boys...i mostly just love being needed...and sometimes if you cannot have what you want in life, you settle for what you might be willing to put up with...but how good can that be if you "settled"???

...i want a guy that thinks of me first...not like a lost puppy, but just is sincere in his desire to get to know me well...

...i want a guy i can lean into when all of my "isims" go awol...it is true that i shouldn't have all of these 'isms'...but i do...

...note to self on getting to a better place:

...learn to better manage insecurities...
...for instance, i don't want a guy who is going to beat me up (mentally or physically) for where i am, right now...

...i like to be needed...but i am not a mommie or babysitter; at least not to a grown man...

...i like to dance; but i don't like the bar scene...
...i like eating out at least once a month...
...i love listening to classical music; drinking coffee; taking pictures; and watching college football...and it is not that that we have to be joined at the hip in all of our interests, but sometimes, let it be about me...instead of me catering to you all of the time...

...i want to work...in fact, working hard right now at building two careers...if you want a clean house, clean it...if you want a trophy wife, marry someone else...if you don't like something i say, be willing to discuss it with me, or even debate it with me...but do not lay down some neanderthal type law with me and expect me to swoon...i can swoon, but will not over being told what to do...
...i want a partner, a friend, a lover...not a daddy or a warden...

...i am educated..i worked hard to become so, so do not ask me to "dumb down" or play the wall flower...instead, why not be happy that someone as smart as i am, is your partner...

...dating, courting and marriage is not social work...or at least it shouldn't be...i shouldn't have to build up, to overcome anger issues, a drinking problem or being socially inept...

...it is supposed to be fun, relaxing...sometimes spontaneous and magical...

...and for the record, if your idea of courting is getting together for sex...and we have sex for a couple of years before we talk commitment...well, that is nuts and unhealthy...just because it is socially acceptable in our culture, does not mean that is how you build a relationship...there are just as many divorces with couples who live together, as for those who don't...and we are the walking wounded when we go from one relationship to the next, to the next, to the next...i know this from first hand knowledge...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

My first husband was abusive. His name was Tom. He is currently in a Texas prison for armed robbery.

He and I married in 1984. The abuse started less that 6 months after we married. At Tom's hands I was slapped, shoved, raped, pushed out of a moving car...among other things.

And about how things were with my first husband, Tom...it was so strange...it was like it was up on me, before I could really run for daylight...I confided in my parents...and my dad even had Tom arrested once...but there was such an emotional draw there...Tom made it seem like I was the only who loved him or believed in him...apparently the Regan household/childhood was a nightmare...and they all just coped better than Tom...it was nothing for Tom's mom, Jan to fist fight those boys into submission...

So, back when things were so horrible I was able to confide a bit in Tom's mom...but I had no clue just how messed up she was and had her own issues, that were not talked about...one incident that speaks of that, was when I left Tom once while we were living in Mobile, back in 1986...I went to live with my parents (even though my step-mother resented it)...that afternoon Tom locked our $500 scottish terrier, Sherman out of our apartment...walked to Circle K...stole a car...drove to a fancy department store, maxed out our credit cards for clothes, shoes and whatever...and started driving for Seattle...he was delusional enough to think that he could contact my mother, who lived there, to get me to come back...my mom would have no more talked to him than the man in the moon, because of how he had treated me...but he didnt ask, he just took off...

By the time he got to Chicago, he was feeling guilty about stealing the car...left most the stuff he had just bought in it...and took off for Seattle on foot...and started calling my parents collect every few hours to let me know of this brilliant plan he had to move us to Seattle...my mom said if he showed up, she would have him arrested...he was hitchhiking...had no winter clothes...no coat...it was a nightmare...somewhere between him being in Chicago and Montana, I had gotten in touch with his mom and given her the real scoop...she still worked for American Airlines back then...she said if Tom could make it to a major airport, she would fly him down to Dallas...only the kicker was I had to go back to him and "tend to my marriage"...as in I had to leave Mobile, Alabama and move to Dallas, Texas to meet him...she would help us get an apartment...and yada, yada, yada...I felt so trapped...I had no clue how messed up Jan was in her own mind, to have even suggested I go go back with Tom, after telling her what all he had already done...I caved...we ended up staying with the aunt in Dallas that had worked for the IRS for a couple of months before he and I could both get jobs...

The very first night I was at the aunt's house...she was wonderful by the way...but she had no clue what Tom was really like...well that first night, Tom closed the door, turned out the light and smacked me so hard that I saw stars and almost passed out...and said "that's for doing all of this and embarrassing me to my mom and family"...

We were in Dallas in our own place for about 6 months before I was able to finally get away from him for good...that was in 1986...(we had just gotten married in 1984)...it was 1988 before the divorce was final...

Part of what created the unhealthy dynamic between me and my step-mother was she is a person that cares about "what people think"...she cared more about that, than about me...so my humiliation over all that happened with Tom, was just embarrassment for her...something she could put down and gossip about, as though she had no skeletons in her closets...

It is weird what dysfunctional families do to their own members for saving face...

I am not like that with my kids...they have known from day one, if they get into trouble they cannot handle themselves, they are supposed to run home...not feel all alone like I did...it is not that we can solve our kids' problems for them, they have to do the work...but we sure as heck can be supportive and loving, no matter how old they are...but especially if they are being abused...

Can be ordered on Amazon, Powell's and Tate Publishing

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

"...didn't think I would ever love a song about someone lying...but "There is no Arizona" is very special to me...this song was popular the spring Jordan was on life support...in fact the first time I heard it was a couple days after Jordan was hurt...I remembered thinking that my soul was as dry and barren as the song was depicting...someone I loved, trusted, thought I knew... had just been accused of beating my kid almost to the point of death...and we were realizing there was no freakin Arizona...these days were are so glad to have overcome..."‎"...one of the things we do not do often enough or completely enough in our culture, is mourn or grieve...instead we shove it down, act tough, and defy our emotions to betray us...as though there is any strength in denial...in being stoic...putting on a brave face is ok for a while, but acting like it never happened is insane...let's not do that each other...let's not act like it is weak to cry, hurt and mourn...because there is strength in facing life as it actually happened..."Songs sometime have the ability to transport us to a different time and place. This one takes me back to the week of May 10, 2000."...her heart sinks lower in her chest..." ...and I am transported back to a time when my son was being kept alive by machines.You don't know who you are, or what you are capable of, until something this horrendous happens to one of your children, and you can do nothing. If you want to no why shelters, counselors, social workers and self-help groups drill about things about safety, getting away from abusive men, and making better decisions...its because they know that when we make decisions when we are damaged, someone is apt to get hurt...The Bible even speaks to this, in Proverbs, 22nd chapter..."Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul"And rest assured there is a snare in not getting away from a violent man...he can hurt you, kill you, damage your children, so bend and twist you that you are no longer the vibrant, capable person you once were...and heaven forbid you keep going back to him...or worse find an even more abusive man to replace him with. It is called the cycle of abuse for a reason; because once it is set into motion it can be nearly impossible to untangle from...and even if you do survive what is left of you is so mangled that you barely recognize what is left. Why did I write "The House that Silence Bought"? ...to gain attention? ...to blame my problems on others? ...to shame my family? Hell, NO. I wrote it because it is important to break the cycle of abuse before it takes a toll on your life that is nearly priceless.....my son is permanently disabled...and not just because some maniac crushed his skull at age 7 months...but also because of what abusive relationships had already wreaked on my emotions and confidence...and also because my family of origin was in such denial they couldn't be bothered with much else other than judgement and condemnation...it is years later, and they still don't fully grasp what all contributed to Jordan being disabled. Freak of freakin nature, people who have always called themselves family, are social with the children's father; who was the abusive man I had left just weeks before running into the man who almost killed my kid. Like I said, it is called a cycle, for a very good reason. It would be one thing if children's father had ever acknowledged his abuse, and I had processed his remorse and chosen to forgiven him. But to this day he claims he was never abusive and that I am crazy. He is a lovely human being. Of course I say "lovely" sometimes, when I want to cuss. "‎...so take the time, those of you that have been abused to deal squarely with what actually happened...cry, shout, scream into a pillow...cry some more...feel each of your feelings fully...fear, anguish, hopelessness, anger, resentment, abandonment, rejection...whatever it is...feel it...mourn...grieve the loss of all the lies that had to be shoved down your throat in order to accept the situation...and get help...from a counselor, from God, from church...from friends...and if you are fortunate to have a a loving, emotionally healthy family, from them as well...get help...break the cycle...don't become a statistic or a cautionary tale..."In physically abusive situations there are very few choice outcomes...death, injury, disability, annihilation and assimilation of a person's self-esteem, confidence and autonomy...or becoming a cautionary tale...case in point.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Mega Millions was recently over 1/2 a billion dollars...(and at the same time Powerball was over 60 million)...but get this, a few months ago Jordan learned how to give kisses...(before it was a very hard concept for him because of partial blindness and coordination)...so now I get kisses everyday...he says "you give me a kiss and I'll give you a kiss" and he does...and so how very rich am I ???

(posted earlier...)

So sometimes I get grief about posting a lot about the novel "The House that Silence Bought", about my kids, and specifically about my son Jordan. And whatever. Jordan and overcoming abuse was the inspiration for the novel...some of you know that, some not. Please read the novel, we would appreciate it. I used to think that the book would be just a forum for Jordan later in his life; mainly because he has no idea he is disabled. But these days I fear he make make it to later in life. He is nearly 15; but behaves like a 5 year old. That is hard for a parent to face. But what is harder to face is that he is not growing very much. There may be many reasons for this; for instance he is on a lot of very damaging medications. These drugs not only potentially damage his liver, mess up his sleep patterns, but also when conbined seemed to be affecting his growth. So of course prayers and welcome.

I used to wake up nights wondering what would happen to him after I died. But lately, I am scared for a different reason. I mean I do not know how much longer I will have him. Reality says, though, that none of know how long we will have anyone that we love.

So if I brag on my kids...especially Jordan...uhm, get over it maybe...part of it is normal mom stuff...part of it is part of framing his life...and those of us who love him, need that.

We all spend a portion of our time here on Facebook trying to sound educated, intellectually stimulating and politically attuned...again, whatever...lol...because I for one think life is incredibly short and blessed...and what might make the world a better place is appreciating what we have, while we have it. So when you run out of clever posts, just take a few minutes and brag on your kids, your spouse, your friends...the people you love.

(Jordan ~ the inspiration for the novel "The House that Silence Bought")

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Do some men purposely withhold their feelings, their approval and their attention?

Do the ones who do it, mask some insecurity they have about their own inadequacies? Or do they really just not feel as much as other people and therefore don't see the need for displaying their emotions?

What kinds of things make a man emotionally unavailable?

Does he has a wife, girlfriend or sleeping partner? then he is emotionally unavailable.

Is he is hard to reach; and go hours, days, or even weeks without feeling like he has to communicate? When there is finally communication, does he makes it seem like there is something wrong with you that you wanted more communication? Is there is no explanation for the lack of communication? Is there is no flow between one conversation to the next? Do you feel like things are stopping and starting a lot? If you have no idea when will be the next time you two will communicate, he is emotionally unavailable. If he wants you to keep an open mind, wants no labels, boundaries or definitions of the relationship, he is in fact, emotionally unavailable. If he doesn't want to talk his feelings, about where you fit into his life or how he sees your relationship, he is emotionally unavailable.
So, it would be uncomfortable if your guy has one or two of these traits, but it is time to do some serious evaluating if he has all of them. Take a deep breath though, because you are not going to be able to change him. All you can do is start seeing the signs that you are with an emotionally unavailable guy, decide how to proceed, and take the steps to dissolve the relationship. But bigger than that, is you have to figure out if you have a habit of dating this kind of guy. If you see a pattern you must start changing your habit. Also there may also be a correlation between the emotionally unavailable man and the men that can develop abusive tendencies. After all theses men may reason that you knew what you were getting when you got together with them; and that their abuse was something you drove them to because you wanted something from them they couldn't give. Though not all emotionally unavailable men become abusers, but some do. The underlying issue for you as a woman who wants to develop healthy relationships, is why would you want an emotionally unavailable man either way?

I can only blog about this because I have been there. But what can you do about it? After all isn't there times when he is charming, sweet, and maybe even romantic? Maybe. But if you are starting to feel badly, unsatisfied and overtly insecure after your communication with him, it may not be you, it may be him. The insidious thing is you cannot tell if he is clueless or doing these things on purpose. Which can leave you second guessing yourself.

I have dated guys who had a couple of the traits. I also have been in the unenviable position of dating a guy who had all of the traits; and it was very hard to assert myself and insist on better treatment. Why? Because the emotionally unavailable guy will usually turn the tables on you and make it about your faults, instead of just owning that they refuse to become available to you. And if you are damaged enough, you may bend over backwards trying to prove to him that it was your demanding, needy insecure nature that pressured him and caused him to withdraw. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth. Emotionally unavailable guys were that way before you and will be so after you; which means its ok to leave them. It is more than ok, it is really all you can do to protect yourself.

You have a right to break up with someone if they are with someone else and they did not tell you.

You have the right to politely ask when you will hear from them again. You have the right to expect some sort of flow from one conversation to the next.Rest assured, if he wanted to get to know you, he would make his communication steady and reliable. Any desire to stay away from definitions, labels or boundaries simply means he doesn't want to commit to giving you what you need emotionally; and from such, you have a right to flee.

When the time comes to discuss emotions, you have a right not to feel like you are pulling teeth to get a healthy exchange. If you don't know if he sees you as a girlfriend, it is acceptable and emotionally healthy to ask and expect a clear, decisive answer. In fact I will go one step further, if he wants you to feel secure, cared for and protected emotionally he will provide a lot of this on his own without having to be asked, pinned down or chased. And if you do have to assert yourself, for any reason, he will be proud of you for doing so, not ridicule you or make you feel badly.