5 Questions for the Higgs Boson Particle

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The Higgs boson particle has been everywhere these days – on TV, in newspapers and magazines, courtside at the NBA Finals with Kanye West. We caught up with him as he took a breather for the 4th of July, at his home in East Hampton.

Q: First of all – and I have to ask this – “God particle?” Really? Who started that?

A: I have gotten so much shit for that! (laughs) I don’t know where that started. Probably TMZ or somewhere! Look, if people want to call me that because they like what I do… well, I’m humbled. It’s cool to know that what you do makes people happy. I love my fans. But God particle? I don’t think so! I can’t even get my iPhone to sync. (laughs)

Q: Speaking of what you do… what do you do, exactly?

A: Probably what I’m best known for, for better or worse, is making atomic particles have mass. But I don’t want to be pigeonholed as that, because I don’t want to put limits on what I plan to do in the future. Like, right now I’m doing a lot of things that don’t involve atomic particles or mass or anything like that. For example, my menswear line. It’s a joint venture between me and Hugo Boss. It’s going to be called either Higgs Boss or Hugo Boson. Or we may go a whole different way and call it H. Biggy. My branding team is into it right now. I haven’t been this excited about something I’ve been involved in since I created the universe. Also, there’s gonna be a fragrance.