‘She is so annoying… I actually just want to stab myself so it can all be over.’

That particular quote is about Kimberly, aka Cassi 2.0 and from the adorable and fabulous Alex Perry, who is on top of his game, deeming all past short girls from the show ‘ugly’ and bringing out the old ‘expinsive’ meter in EPISODE TWO. Dawson, HOMEGIRL, where you at? That’s not to say that she’s useless or anything, but she isn’t acting drunk or anything and this… makes me sad, seeing as how Charlotte is the only thing that’s ever come close to matching Janice Dickinson’s awesomeness from cycles 1 thru 4 of America’s Next Top Unemployed Bitch.

But, back to the photos from the actual modeling competition (as opposed to the sob story-fest)– The brief this week was a denim campaign on what appears to be elevated bars. Last cycle, it was floaty dresses on elevated hula hoops. I’m sensing a bizarre pattern of sorts.

Best shot, bar none-

Jessica-

Love! I don’t even care that she’s not showing jeans… It has that effortless and casual airiness that all denim campaigns should be required to have. Her soft expression, despite a rather strong appearance, is stunning. The judges creamed over it but called her… fourth, I believe. Which is better than elimination and all, but still too low. Also, doesn’t she look like someone else? I can’t figure out who it is… But she reminds me of another model.

Joanna-

I continue to just watch the panels so as not to be influenced too heavily by personalities and all, although in truth, America is the only one that makes me feel that way. From what I gather, Joanna seems sort of awkward and shy but perhaps a silent threat? I loved the little thing about Kelsey and some other girls copying Joanna’s diet and exercise regime. This picture is fabulous… All she’s missing is a male model staring at her with a dopey expression, and this would be an ad.

My girl crush, Amanda-

More name bias! Just kidding… I mean, look at her! She’s amazing! First she tackles 1950s with the sweetness of a porcelain doll and here she maintains an effortless cool… And the only reason I put it third is because I think the whole thing is just a tiny bit overposed, whereas the other two have nailed an essentially flawless look. Hey, if they’re gonna insist on being great, someone is going to have to be third best.

The quality drops from here, but not significantly (yet)-

Kathryn-

As far as I’m concerned… Kathryn is exquisitely beautiful. She’s rocking some scrubby looking clothes with that cool ‘I just threw this on and I look hot’ thing that only really attractive people can do. Also, her face rocks. My only complaint is that she looks kind of short. This was the judges first call out (although when I went back to the episode, Jessica was standing in the ‘first’ spot– furthest over– so perhaps it was edited to look like Kathryn got the first call out?) and I’m okay with that.

Ashton-

My unpopular opinion for this shoot… I think it’s fabulous. I actually think Ashton herself is pretty fabulous too which is apparently also quite unpopular. She’s just so tall and lean and has great legs. But back to the picture… She has a weird mouth. I think we can confirm this as fact now. Every time I see her, I notice how weird her mouth is… But the good news is that I love this shot, even with the strange-ish face. She’s really unique looking, which I truly mean in a complimentary way and not like a ‘Oh, she’s unique AKA gross as hell’ way. I hope that the judges will get on board with her look because right now they still seem to think she’s bizarre and not awesome.

Now here’s where the trouble starts… Blech.

Sophie-

I’m in almost total agreement with the judges about her. In person, she has this weird sort of mullet hairdo and is all fake baked commonness. She sort of reminds me of Cycle 4’s Jamie, the gold coast meter maid who ‘PHOTOGRAPHS OOOOOOOOOOOLD’. This picture has sort of a cool, edgy Madonna vibe though. I like that I can barely see her hair. If they slapped, say, Kelsey’s face onto this pose, it’d be up with ‘good’ photos but Sophie is kind of a mess to look at, so she gets to be best of the worst instead.

Kelsey-

Like I said… I’m not watching the full episodes right now, but I’m told that Kelsey is kind of a bitch, but she also turns on the charm for the judges and is thus, one of my favorites purely in person, and it appears that the judges like her too seeing as how the quote about all the short girls being ugly was directed towards her. Oh Alex, love you so much. So, there’s a lot of stiffness going on in this picture and it, as Queen Dawson said, is a huge step down from last week’s shot, but it’s still worth looking at. I like the sort of dreamy (stupid?) expression she’s got going on and while her pose is boring, at least it’s not a mess like some of the shots to follow. Sometimes less is more and this shot supports that.

Kimberly-

This, like Kelsey’s shot, is ranked where it is only for its not ridiculous pose. Which isn’t exactly a compliment… She could have gone for good and instead we have not shitty. Also, the judges hate her, as I said before. From where I’m sitting, all the way in America, if you want to be a crazy, joking bogan, you need to be as modelesque as Cassi, and Kimberly is not. In further regards to the picture… Well, I’m sort of spent here. It doesn’t offend me but I don’t like it either.

Chantal-

Tough call, since this shot, pose-wise is the most unusable. I don’t know what would compel someone to scrunch up their leg in a campaign for denim, but what makes it better than the other two shots is Chantal herself. She looks like Keira Knightley’s Egyptian sister or something… All that’s missing from this is a camera and it reminds me of a shot of Anna Maria Jagodzinska that I really like. In short, she can give her face all the credit here. The rest sucks.

Brittney-

This was originally my least favorite just because I find her face to be so completely useless in a modeling competition. She’s tall and all of that, but if your face looks like this stupid girl I went to elementary school with, you’re not really going to work for me here. Also, her shot last week sucked too, so her place in this competition irritates me because someone like Alison, Sally or even robotic Valeria could still be here in her place. But whatever, she’s here… I’ll deal with it. But I don’t have to like her dumb face.

Megan-

Hahaha, what would possess someone to stick their leg out to completely stumpify themselves? Like… In the words of my friend Princeton.. IZ DIS BITCH SERIOUS?! And you know what else… Petra Starke really hit the nail on the head here when she said that Megan looks like Celine Dion after three weeks of no food. Another one who annoys me… Again, her picture sucked last week and someone stronger than her could have taken that place and presumably have stayed for another week. Boo hiss. Megan was deservedly eliminated this week. Can’t say I’m surprised or disappointed.

So… There’s that. By American standards, I’d say that all of the photos except for the bottom 3 would be okay, but I hold the Australians on a pedestal. My early favorite remains Amanda, with Jessica and Joanna just behind her.

I hope to have new recaps up every Wednesday, work schedule permitting. Thanks for all of your nice comments, everyone!

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6 comments

“That’s not to say that she’s useless or anything, but she isn’t acting drunk or anything and this… makes me sad”

Awwwwwwwwwwww. I’m sorry to hear that 😦

Jessica IS hot! It’s casual, which is obviously important for denim, and smoking hot, which is obviously important for gaining attention. Mmmmmmmmm.

Joanna’s is fabulous too! She’s even hotter, also casual, but I take your point, I think it does look sort of…incomplete. Like it needs something else in the frame. But she’s perfect.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP. Your namesake really IS amazing. I see what you mean about it being overposed, but I don’t care, she still looks incredibly cool, sooooooooo cool, and the legs are out of this world, and she’s just smoking in general. Easy number 1 for meeeeeee. Well…it’s neck and neck with Jessica. I think if she was looking into the camera it’d be perfect.

KATHRYN WAS CALLED FIRST?! Maybe if I was trying to sell denim to butch lesbians I’d agree with that, but though she does look good, it’s all a little too rough around the edges for my liking. She kinda looks like Emily Deschanel.

Why don’t people like Ashton?! I think this picture is HOT! I looooooooove her legs, I have no problem with her face, I think the right arm is obscured by the sun, you can barely see it, and so the bit of her shirt by her head looks weird and that sort of messes things up, but aside from that its great.

I agree that if you changed her face to someone really pretty this’d be a lot better, but as it is it’s another for the butch lesbian campaign. I don’t like those stupid little things she’s wearing on her feet either, and the denim shorts are stretched wayyyyyy beyond the level of decency or class. Her legs are really not worthy of being so shown off either. I no like.

I like Kelsey’s a lot. I mean for one thing she looks really hot, which is always a good start. The pose is boring, really boring, it’s all way too stiff and straight, she’s like a barbie doll, but she’s rocking the outfit, and so pretty. I like it.

I think Kimberly’s picture would be a lot better if her left arm was off to the other side and not across her damn face making her look like a fool. Unlike Sophie, this bitch is pretty enough to make this look kinda classy, I just think the pose is generally pretty boring, and the left arm is screwing it up.

I really, really like Chantal’s from the waist up, but her legs, like Sophie’s, are not good, so un-classy, so un-pro, and they bring it down many levels.

I don’t have any problem with Brittney’s face, I think she looks sorta pretty, but from the waist down she looks kinda huge, and that ain’t so good.

MEGAN’S LIKE SPIDERMAN! Third for the butch lesbian campaign! She’s too overstretched, she’s in the with unclassy bunch as well, again, I like it from the waist up, I think she looks a lot younger, prettier and better than Celine Dion, but yuck at the rest. That right leg REALLY does stumpify her as well. LOL.

Yay! Another post! I even mustered up enough courage to comment again 😀

I pretty much agree with your call out. Seriously, their call out didn’t make any sense to me :S

Jessica’s photo is GORGEOUS and the outfit she chose for herself during the challenge was adorable 🙂 Kelsey’s bitchiness really made me uncomfortable for some reason. She’s cute but I find her a bit… average – maybe cause there are so many girls that look like her at uni. Amanda is easily the prettiest girl of the bunch and Joana’s really growing on me 🙂

I pretty much agree except I thought your precous Amanda’s shot was the best, followed then by Jess and then Kathryn and then Joanna. I also am surprised how much you made me reconsider Kelsey, that shot of her is actually quite good (surprisingly). Otherwise I’m board with all analyses.