Thursday, 13 December 2018

On Being 36 | Life Stories

At the weekend I hit the ripe old age of 36 and I have to say it really does feel like a bit of an insignificant milestone for me. I've always heard people say that your thirties are the best years of your life but I'm really not sure if I completely agree with that...

Now don't get me wrong, life for the most part is really good for me. In many ways I'm where I wanted to be at this age - settled down, married, in a loving relationship, surrounded by pets and living in a beautiful house. I really have little to complain about in that respect and I'm grateful every day for everything I have.

I guess the main issues for me right now are more around what happens next and I'll admit to feeling like I've been going through some kind of mid life crisis for most of 2018!

Firstly, it seems like everyone around me is having children. And that's because they pretty much are or have already done so. My husband and I have never really been sure how we feel about this and have always been quite on the fence about it. For a long time I was adamant that I didn't want them but as I get older and deeper into my thirties I am starting to question it more and more. I've definitely felt out of place in the world for not having children yet and that's a difficult place to be at times.

Lately I've been feeling like there's a pressure clock ticking away and like we need to make a solid decision before it becomes to late. I do still feel very much on the fence and not really ready but one thing I do know for certain is that I would hate to have any regrets later on in life if we didn't have any. It's also something I'd never really want to put much pressure on because I don't even know if I can have children and I know a lot of people my age who have struggled to conceive.

I also feel like your mid thirties are a time when you should be settled into a career and know what you're doing with your life. For a while now I've felt as though I'm coasting along a bit. I haven't been entirely happy working for myself this year and there's a lot I miss about working as part of a team. But it would also feel like a bit of back step working for someone else again and I know I would miss the freedom and flexibility of the lifestyle I currently lead.

I've never really known what I've wanted to do career wise and that's really tough at times, particularly when it comes to actually looking at jobs. I often contemplate a total new direction and re-training in something new but that always seems like a big financial commitment to something when you're not 100% sure what it is you want to do.

For me at the moment it feels like if you're not having a baby and being a Mum then you should be extremely career focused and passionate about something. I'm not saying Mum's can't have a career or be passionate about anything, but for me at this moment in time it feels like a toss up - do I want to throw myself into a new career or do I want to put my energy into trying to be a Mum? Is there any point going down the career line if I do end up trying for a baby?

I often think it's never too late to start a new career but it could be too late to have children. If I'm being honest I think it would be likely that I would have regrets about not having children over not having a career.

I'm definitely at a significant crossroads in life at the moment and I'd really like the remainder of my thirties to have more direction and purpose. I'm struggling to make solid decisions around anything because they feel like such huge decisions but a byproduct of that is that it often feels like nothing is happening or moving forward in anyway. All I do know is that it's time to bite the bullet and do something!

I remember feeling like this in my teens when I didn't know what I wanted to study at uni, and then again in my twenties after being made redundant and feeling unsure what to do next. I really envy the people in life who have known from childhood what they've wanted to do and who have gone out and done it. You really are the lucky ones!

Aside from all of these huge life questions and uncertainties I actually had a really nice birthday. It was really relaxing and chilled out which is just what I wanted. My husband took me away for a couple of nights for a little getaway too which was so great and just what I needed.

If you're in your thirties and can relate to any of this then I'd really love to hear from you. Feel free to email me or drop me message online! Also, if you've been through feeling like this and have any advice then do let me know. I'd love to hear some of your own stories about reaching a cross roads in life.

1 comment

I can relate to feeling unsure of the right direction, especially also being childfree in my thirties. It's a weird time, and there feels a certain amount of pressure and expectation from society to be one way or another. Saying that, I'm still very steadfast in my decision to be childfree, but do feel pressured to achieve something and almost show I'm worth it! But I wonder if the pressure comes mostly from myself...