Thursday, July 17, 2008

A good life

One can get philosophical: We live in affluent countries; I have avoided a great many possible traumas in life so far. The effect of this, however, was to leave me psychologically unprepared for whatever inevitable life jolt that should arise; maybe it had even given me the fanciful thinking that I was strong and could handle with equanimity whatever could come up before me.

In the scheme of life heartbreak is apparently a common phenomenon; frankly, I've found it to be rather debilitating; all those poor people out there suffering along with me; perhaps, I wasn't as immediately sympathetic before. I know better now.

It makes me want to survey the experience of such pain. On three occasions in the last three and a half weeks, I've been reduced to an inconsolable heap and several other times it has come close to that extent. For me this process is quite regular: the latent tremor I have intensifies violently and becomes irrepressible; tears well and then the corners of my mouth do something I cannot event figure out; they kinda twist; I lose speech and strength and then the most stifled quiet screams emerge out of my mouth. The first time it happened I noticed that my mind virtually seemed to have broken in two: my rational mind was calmly thinking: 'oh bugger, that was pretty bad news; worse than I thought it would be; hey, what's up with the shakes?' while the other part shattered unable to even sustain a modicum of dignity.

The following day after it occurs I am blighted by the most hollow, sapped feeling. The first time it happened, I could actually work quite well despite the turmoil; the second time I was definitely distracted; while the day after my third (today) I was barely holding it together. Before the third time, I naively thought I was over the worst of it; and then consequently found that there was a while yet to go before I'm even remotely better.

For those I've talked to and who have sent me messages during this time, thank you. For those who I haven't told, sorry, circumstances may not have arisen or I just couldn't raise it at the time. Invite me out sometime.