Listing Jokes

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs.

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator

Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator.Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that? Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

I finally asked Stacey to prom!!!

She was my neighbor for years and it took me months of planning and going back and forth to ask her out. My friend Richy thought if i was this nervous i shouldn’t ask her our, but when i finally did she said yes

When we got to the dance i introduced her to Richy and my other friends who went ...

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

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After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

A panda walks into a bar with his bag

The panda takes a seat at a single table and asks the waiter for the menu. The waiter confirms his order and a few minutes later brings him his food. The panda finishes all the food and then whips out his tommy gun fron his bag and starts spraying everywhere. Everyone ducks under their tables or wha...

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

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Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don’t know, I mean I didn’t get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn’t that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked...

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A man finds a lamp on the beach...

A man finds a lamp on the beach... He picks it up and rubs it to see if a genie pops out of it. The genie gives the usual speech, "I will grant thee 3 wishes."

(long) A man with no arms is looking for a job...

... and the only listing he can find is a position ringing the bell every Sunday at a local church. He inquires about the job with the priest in charge of the church, and the priest immediately expresses skepticism that this man can do the job without arms.

"Father, has my absolute word that ...

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TV for Sale

I just saw a TV for sale on EBay.

The listing said "40 inch HD TV for sale - good working order, £100 - volume button is stuck on full"

I thought 'I can't turn that down....'

Van Gogh Family

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

The Marine Corp and the radio

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a big - sophisticated looking radio in the back.

"Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked.

Several hands went up, and anticipat...

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A woman posts an ad in the paper looking for a patner

In the ad, the woman stats that the man has to be loving, loyal, and good in bed. After 2 weeks of no one responding to the ad she starts to lose hope of ever finding a lover. The next day her doorbell bell rings, the woman opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs on her porch. The man h...

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A Man With No Arms Is Looking For A Job

One day, as he is looking through the paper, he stumbles across a listing for a bell ringer at the local church. He thinks "I bet I could handle that" and walks down to the church early the next morning. He walks in and the priest says "how can I help you my son?". The guy with no arms says "I wanna...

North Dakota

A dairy farmer from South Dakota had a favorite dairy cow. She was old, and one day she passed away. Saddened, but wanting another cow to give his family milk he sought out another cow in the local paper.

He found a listing from a dairy farmer in North Dakota a few hours away, and made arrang...

Give basic jobs complicated job titles

Job listings like to give even the basic jobs some complicated job titles.

So for example:

Cashier = Customer Transaction Specialist

Janitor = Sanitation Engineer

Dishwasher = Utensil Sterilizer

Waiter = Customer Request Dispatcher

Can you think of other ba...

Are Computers Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this...

The Gorilla on the Roof

A woman keeps hearing loud thudding noises coming from her ceiling. She goes outside, looks up toward her roof, and sees a gorilla jumping up and down, banging on the roof. The woman goes back into her house, distraught about what to do. Deciding to look for help in the phone book, she opens the ...

A blonde and a brunette bought a farm...

...and although the farm came stocked with a barn full of hay, some chickens, and a few horses, they only had one cow and needed a bull to raise more. They checked the newspaper listings and found a bull for sale a few hundred miles away.

The brunette bought a train ticket and took their rema...

My favorite joke of all time.

A man calls information for a phone number (this happened before smart phones)

Anyway, the man asks for Derp Smith in Derpville, California.

The operator says "I have many listings for Derp Smith, do you have a street name?"

The man thought for a moment and replied

"Well,...

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Four cops had to take a test...

They were all asked the same question:"What would you do if a man with a knife was coming at you?"

The Cop from the U.K answered by listing the steps in order what he was taught to do in Police Academy and in the Police Handbook

The Cop from the U.S Answered:"BANG BANG BANG BAN...

An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...

Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.