DEL: Yes, I’ve always said you’ve got a face only a mother could love. Hehe.

RODNEY: Hilarious.

DEL: I’m only pulling your leg. Do you fancy a cup of tea?

RODNEY: Yeh.

DEL: Good. You can get me one while you’re at it.

Rodney shakes his head.

DEL: Actually, forget about the tea, I want a word with all of you.

RODNEY: What’s happened now?

DEL: Not here, let’s go to the Nag’s.

Rodney, Trigger and Denzil follow Del to the pub. Del turns to another stall-holder.

DEL: Here Ronnie, look after my stall for 10 minutes.

RONNIE: Okay Del.

Scene 30
INT. NAG’S HEAD. MORNING

DEL: I know who nicked those football shirts.

EVERYONE: Who?

DEL: Jake.

DENZIL: Who? Little Jake from the estate?

DEL: Yeh, he only tried to sell them to me in here last night, didn’t he?

RODNEY: Bloody cheek. You didn’t buy them did you?

DEL: Of course I didn’t. I didn’t have to. He gave them to me for nothing.

RODNEY: For nothing?

DEL: Yep.

RODNEY: Why?

DEL: Well, when I told him they belonged to Bobby Rampling, he messed his pants. He couldn’t get rid of them quick enough.

DENZIL: I bet he couldn’t.

DEL: I popped round to Bobby’s warehouse first thing this morning.

RODNEY: You didn’t?

DEL: I did.

TRIGGER: Did you sell them back to him Del?

DEL: Of course I didn’t sell them back to him. What do you take me for? I sold them to Slippery Sean.

RODNEY: How much did you get?

DEL: Fifteen grand.

RODNEY: Fifteen grand! Cosmic! Nice one Del.

DENZIL: So why did you go round to Bobby’s place then?

DEL: To get our wages.

RODNEY: You didn’t?

DEL: I bloody well did.

RODNEY: What did he say?

DEL: Well, he told me to sling me hook at first.

RODNEY: I bet he did.

DEL: Then I told him that I knew where one of the boxes of unexploded grenades was. The same unexploded grenades that were stolen from his warehouse. He soon paid up then.

RODNEY: Why? Where are they?

DEL: In the van.

RODNEY: In the van? What are they doing in the bloody van?

DEL: It’s a long story Rodney, I’ll tell you another time.

RODNEY: I don’t get it. Why would he care if there was a box of unexploded grenades in the van?

DEL: Cos the van was still parked on his drive in front of his house.

RODNEY: No.

DEL: He couldn’t give me the money fast enough. He even gave me a lift back to his house to make sure I’d moved the van. And he bunged me a monkey on top.

RODNEY: So we’ve got over 16 grand? That’s 4 grand each.

Denzil and Trigger rub their hands.

DEL: Not quite Rodders.

RODNEY: Why not?

DEL: I’ve had to buy a new van.

RODNEY: A new van?

DEL: Yeh.

RODNEY: Why, what’s wrong with the one Boycie loaned us?

DEL: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What do you want first?

RODNEY: Let’s have the bad news first.

DEL: Well, on the way back I slipped into the pub for a quick half. Guess who was in there?

TRIGGER: Who?

DEL: Belinda.

RODNEY: God; that IS bad news.

DEL: That ain’t the bad news Rodders.

RODNEY: No? Well, what is then?

DEL: Well, when I saw her I kind of lost my appetite so I just slipped back out the side door. I thought I’d wait in the van until she came out. Then have it out with her. But when I went outside the van had gone.

RODNEY: Gone? What? Stolen?

DEL: No, I forgot to take that box of unexploded grenades out.

RODNEY: I don’t understand. So where’s the van now?

DEL: Well, the wheels are still in the car-park.

RODNEY: Where’s the rest of it?

DEL: Well, they found the steering wheel in Dartford and the rest of it was last seen flying across the North Sea overtaking a Boeing 747.

RODNEY: So what’s the good news?

DEL: The good news is the van was parked next to Belinda’s Ferrari!

Everyone grins.

Scene 31
EXT. CAR-PARK. DAY

We see 2 uniformed police officers inspecting the 4 battered wheels of the van on the car-park floor. The camera pans out to reveal the burnt-out wreck of Belinda’s Ferrari.

Good point! I originally wrote this script as an original sitcom called ‘In For A Penny’. I sent to to all the television production companies and had some interest but fell at the final hurdle. As my script was very closely linked to OFAH I decided to adapt it to fit OFAH. My original script was set in 2010. I should have set this script in 2010 but that would have meant that Del and Rodney had split with their wives and I didn’t want to do that because I’d done something similar in my first OFAH script – ‘D.T. Phone Home’. Also I didn’t want Del to have an ‘affair’ with Belinda as that isn’t in his nature. In my original script the box was in the Reliant Regal until I realised I would have blown the van up in the final scene and that would be a definite no-no. So I had to rewrite the opening scene where he loans the van from Boycie.

But, yes, you are right. That is an error. I should have set it in 2010. Thanks for pointing it out.

Hope ya didnt think I was being a nit-pick. I teach secondary school English ya see and maybe its an occupational hazard I have to have cultural context correct in Creative Writing, ya see.

But I’m a massive fan of OFAH, I have on occassion been able to incorporate pieces from the show in my lessons. For example, we were studying An Inspector Calls lately and to show how England could be very class-divided, clips from A Royal Flush and A Touch of Glass were used.

But I’m getting off the point here. Enjoyed your script very much and would love to have the courage to post one myself in the future,

Not at all, I’m glad you pointed it out actually.
I’m pleased to hear you use OFAH as a reference in your classes, that’s refreshing.
I’ve not written any more scripts as yet as I’m currently in the process of publishing my first poetry book. I’ve written poetry all my life and produced over 30 fanzines but this will be my first published book.

hey pete it is kind of in dels nature to have an affair, like if you remember the episode when he says at the end of the episode about when albey littlewood crossing the railway line to meet del at the pub but del says to his old ex he was actualy at albey’s gilfriend diedre’s flat, not at the pub

Mate congrats that was fantastic I enjoyed every word and was in tears with images of the dog trying to hump rodney and trigger calling in sick for work. I’m In Australia and not very many people have ever heard of the show over here but I’m a big fan. Would love to read another……….maybe a Christmas special??

Well done again now all you need is to sign Jason David to an Audio reading/book deal and go into full time production.

Yes I think the Audio reading would be great, I really felt the characters when i read your script and to hear those voices would really top it off…….and If you get started now you will have that Christmas special ready in time for this years festive season and a fantastic present for all the fans lol……

I listen to books on cd from an australian author called Robert G Barrett, he writes about a rough and tough red headed Queenslander call Les Norton who works in an ilegal casino in kings cross (Aussie version of Del except not as swarve and a bit harder). The company that does all of theres is Bolinda Audio. Make a call mate you never know…