I am obsessed with Kiri Blakeley, the Forbes writer who wrote a book — Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love — about finding out her fiance is gay. Last time we heard about how Aaron grew a beard about a year before coming out. And now we know why: he’s likes the scruff!

Speaking to My Daily (which describes his coming out as the time he “cried gay”), Kiri informs us that she’s kept the engagement ring (good for her!), that dating men now includes a round of wondering whether they too are into dudes, and their fateful Brokeback Mountain episode.

Interestingly, we didn’t have a lot of gay friends, not that we wouldn’t have wanted them. There just weren’t a lot of them in our circle. But we did go to see Brokeback Mountain together and we’d had this whole discussion beforehand where I’d said “Are you going to be comfortable with the movie…there is gay sex in it?” And we went to see it and when the movie ended I tried to engage him in some conversation and he wasn’t like, “Oh, that was a movie I could relate to” but instead had simply said, “That was a good film.” When I found out he was gay, I then had to ask if he’d been turned on when we saw it and he said that not only were Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger not his type — they were “too pretty” and he actually liked hairy men which was ironic since I’d spent years shaving his back for him at his request — but that really he’d been too nervous the whole time to get turned on because he’d seen one of the guys he’d been having sex with from Craig’s List at the screening! And this guy actually ended up becoming a boyfriend to Aaron down the road.

As for the (now ex) fiance:

He’s not thrilled [with the book], but he did read the whole thing. I didn’t want to surprise him. Once I knew the book would be published I sent it to him. He requested a few changes, and I made them. But it’s not a condemnation of him. I don’t agree with the way he went about things and he wishes he had handled things better too. But I now can realize it must have been incredibly difficult for him. He didn’t want or choose to be gay. He wanted to be married to me and living a socially acceptable life. His sexual orientation was against his plans and wishes and I understand that. And he was still a person who was there for years who saw me through many trials, deaths of family members, 9-11, etc… He was always there for me during those times. There were lots of parts of him I loved and appreciated. There was just the one part I couldn’t live with.

I’ll admit that at first I dismissed this book out of hand, based on too many similar situations that have been discussed here, and elsewhere.

After reading this post, my curiosity is piqued, and I will definately be giving this book a read.

Jan 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm · @Reply ·

greenmanTN

I just don’t get this phenomenon, especially in the 1990s and 2000s. Where I live, if you look at the gay “dating” (hook-up) sites at least half (I’d estimate) the ads are from men who are in relationships with women and looking for men is presumably something they do on the side, usually without their wives and girlfriends knowledge. Many state this outright. Bi-sexual men who do it with the knowledge of their female partner are one thing, but the guys sneaking around are another. Hey, when I was younger I ‘slept’ with some of them but it made me feel really sleazy. Why would I want to be some schmuck’s “dirty secret?”

Ultimately it’s incredibly selfish and weak. I understand the forces and pressure behind it, the fear of disappointing parental expectations, loss of status or community, etc. but I don’t understand how they can abuse the trust of another person by using them as a cover. They’re also betraying themselves by giving FAR too much power over their lives to parents, family, religion, and social expectations. To me it’s one of the best arguments FOR gay marriage and against so-called “ex-gay” therapy. I want the people I care about to be in relationships with people who actually want to be with them, not because it’s expected or because it took the threat of hellfire and damnation to put them there.

Jan 5, 2011 at 2:17 pm · @Reply ·

Luis

Ditto what Mr. Enemabag Jones said….

Book looks to be a very promising read. If it’s any good, I movie would be great.

Jan 5, 2011 at 3:28 pm · @Reply ·

Spike

Any women who keeps an engagement ring after the engagement is broken is a WHORE. What did she give him at the time of engagement that had value? The promise of his vagina? Give me a break, until women start returning engagement rings, regardless of the reason behind the broken engagement, heterosexual marriage will ALWAYS be about money and control.

Jan 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm · @Reply ·

Michael

My curiosity has been picqued, too. Just bought/downloaded it to my iPad.

Heterosexual relationships are typically such degraded things..All of these people playing dominance and control oriented games with each other and calling it “love”. That’s the brand, “love”. As long as the sublime needs of the breeder pair are seen as the be all and end all, they’ll always be suspect. I wonder about her, what real motive do you hide behind when you look to others to be secure in life? I mean really? What do you want from us now, little girl? And do we HAVE to admire the golden pussy you bear so sagaciously? Because, like I don’t feel like it right now. I have a headache.

Jan 5, 2011 at 4:40 pm · @Reply ·

Dennis

@Spike: #7
Way to be a hateful, mysogonistic douche…the “poor, confused budding faglet” she was engaged to KNEW he was into guys and deceived her anyway. In this day and age, that’s pretty pathetic…it’s 2011, and any sane ADULT who can’t man up (or lesbian up) and tell the truth about who they are deserves to pay for the mental crap they are adding onto other people’s lives because they can’t deal with their own issues.

I have lots of sympathy for teens who are dealing with bullying and can’t come out…and/or with those who are dealing but severe relgious brainwashing, and need some “extra time” to accept themselves and tell the truth about who they are, but the bottom line is…Deal with your own stuff and bad situations like this needn’t happen.

I’d have kept the ring and threatened to chop his dick off as well. He got off easy.

Jan 5, 2011 at 4:50 pm · @Reply ·

Obama DID say DADT would happen on his watch... (John From England)

Not that interested but she is kooky and fun! :-)

Jan 5, 2011 at 4:50 pm · @Reply ·

Plays Well With Yo' Mama

Didn’t his requests for her to use a strap-on give him away?

Jan 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm · @Reply ·

j

@Spike: Spike. You should crazy. I know lots of happily married straight people, its really cute and touch wood they all stay happy. Why condemn straight marriage the way bigots condemn ours without any experience of it? Sounds like the oppressed becoming the oppressor to me.

@Spike: Oh calm the F down, Spike. I offered it back, and he said to keep it. What I said in the article was a joke. And no it was not an expensive ring. In fact, I ordered him NOT to buy an expensive ring, or any ring. Rings are silly. But it was a nice little one and he wanted me to keep it.

Jan 5, 2011 at 6:39 pm · @Reply ·

SteveC

If an egagement breaks up before the ceremony, then I think it’s reasonable for the woman to return the engagement ring. If she’s working (as would be expected) then why on earth would she keep the ring. Greed is ugly!

@SteveC: Since everyone is so concerned about the F-ing ring, no money was outlaid for the ring, okay? I won’t tell you why, but he spent NO money on a ring. I’m not the type who wants anyone spending $ on the ring. What are you all so concerned about the ring for? There was a LOT more at stake than a very small, purely symbolic ring. Get over your ring hand-ups already! Really, what I wanted is a refund for our ticket to see BBM. :)

btw, there are over 600 comments on the AOL board, but I’m here with you guys, cause you are much more fun :)

Jan 5, 2011 at 7:02 pm · @Reply ·

Baylie

I can’t help feeling morally superior to the guy in question. At least I didn’t marry the woman I was engaged to for a year. All I did was let myself be seduced by her best friend. God, he was hot!

Jan 5, 2011 at 8:40 pm · @Reply ·

justiceontherocks

I Like Kiri

Jan 5, 2011 at 8:55 pm · @Reply ·

Don

I think Kiri is an amazing woman and the fact she is reading Queerty is just plain cool! I know tons of guys who had a gf, wanted to walk down the aisle with her to be “normal” and decided to do that would be ABnormal and ultimately came to their senses, grew a set of balls, and came clean. I was definitely one of them but unlike Kiri and her ex, it was easier to break clean and walk away. Kiri, I respect you and think you’re pretty damn fabulous. Best to you always… Im definitely getting the book! :-)

@Spike: Actually Spike proper etiquette dictates that when one person ends an engagement the other person gets a ring. So if the bride breaks it off she should return the ring, the the groom breaks it off she gets to keep the ring. The ring is given with the offer of marriage so if the woman agrees to marry a guy and then he tells her he is gay and breaks up with her she gets the ring.

In most court cases a ring is considered a marital gift and the woman gets to keep it and it isn’t even factored into the devision of assets.

Jan 5, 2011 at 10:21 pm · @Reply ·

romeo

You guys should give Kiri a break. She deserves the ring. From the sound of it, he was already cheating her on the downlow, so he was wasting her time. I can sympathize with him, too, because being in his situation is tough. But, it sounds like everybody did the right thing in the end, which is good. Much rougher to go through with the marriage and the apocalypse that usually follows that.

But, really, Kiri, I can’t believe a literate person like you is taking anything that goes on here seriously! LMFAO.

Jan 6, 2011 at 12:05 am · @Reply ·

GRAMPS

Been there. Done that. Its a lot harder than you think. Don’t be so critical until you have lived through it.

Jan 6, 2011 at 12:17 am · @Reply ·

Luis

Seriously Kiri, your book sound so much fun….

It should be made into a movie comedy type (I know that you and him probably suffered a great deal in all of this, but the whole situation you describe here lends itself for comedy gold).

@Kiri: You took that a lot better than someone-with-the-ability-to-get-published would. Although I do feel for your ex… sitting through Brokeback Mountain while harbouring his heavy secret, plus the other fella being there, he must have been ready to implode.

This is a book I’ll need to read, and then gift to a friend who is, well, cheating on his wife with a mutual friend. At this point, he knows he’s gay and he’s accepted it, but he’s afraid to hurt his wife, a legitimate fear since she’s essentially friendless and 110% dependent on him for everything. Notwithstanding, he needs to move on, and give her half his stuff (or more if he’s feeling extra guilty) and hopefully this book will move things along.

Jan 6, 2011 at 4:35 am · @Reply ·

hephaestion

Kiri is great. She had a very loving and wise response to her ex-fiance being gay. I am a gay man and I also tried desperately to be straight & have a wife & family. That is what we are brainwashed into thinking is our ONLY option unless we want to kill ourselves. And most ministers & schools STILL tell us that it is possible to become straight if we work at it, so OF COURSE many of us try to. It took me til age 40 to finally realize it was all a lie and that we can not change sexual orientations. I applaud Kiri for understanding what her ex-fiance was going thru. She sounds like an incredibly charming & wise young woman.

Jan 6, 2011 at 8:26 am · @Reply ·

hephaestion

Plus, Kiri is gorgeous. God bless you, girl.

Jan 6, 2011 at 8:33 am · @Reply ·

scott ny'er

From these brief posts and snippets, Kiri seems like an incredible person. Any woman (or person) in that situation who is able to be forgiving and understanding sounds like someone I’d like to know and befriend. Compassion, understanding, love… they are great character traits.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I just hope when/if you read the book, you get some of the humor in it, which is a bit on the Chelsea Handler/politically incorrect side. I have a dark sense of humor. I definitely feel for my ex, who was horribly confused. I just feel he should not have cheated, and for so long. And he feels bad about that too. Of course I am pro-gay rights!! If anything, this just made me MORE so, because it is terrible that gays feel so much pressure in this society that they enter into double lives, deceiving themselves, and the ones they love. As my ex said, from the time we are children, we are almost brainwashed into believing we should be, and are expected to be, attracted to the opposite sex. If you are not, you may think you are abnormal or something is wrong with you, or at the very least, confused. If everyone was free to be with whom they wanted to be, it would make situations like mine less common. Thank you all for your support (except Spike ;)). And whomever keeps posting these, keep your eye out for the Sunday edition of the NY Post.

Jan 6, 2011 at 10:17 am · @Reply ·

GetBalance

Kiri, really I am glad to see you here. I went through “social programming” as a teen, and am now out of it in my twenty’s, to be an open healthy gay man. Sometimes guys dont even know they are gay as they are so socially sexually brainwashed, eventually they realize it later in life. Thanks for your understanding. I know it wasn’t easy. But your contribution to society will always far out weigh the pain you had to go through to do so.

”
Any women who keeps an engagement ring after the engagement is broken is a WHORE. What did she give him at the time of engagement that had value? ”
______________

According to most courts and accepted values. The ring is similar to a contract. If the woman breaks off the engagement, then she has broken the contract and needs to give the ring back. If however the contract is broken by the man, especially by an action that makes the marriage impossible traditionally it is up to the woman to return the ring or not. In contractual terms the ring is like a security deposit. this is going VERY old school but the ring shows other men that the woman is taken, and the ring is security to the woman that the man can’t just run off without losing something. Granted it’s fairly out of date because woman work and often make more than their spouses now, but still, he broke the engagement.

Also, while you’re calling her a whore…what do you call the guy who was about to trab her into a sham marriage and lie to her continaully about his feelings day after day just to shelter himself, and who was already sleeping with men behind her back so can’t plead “Confusion” about his sexuality? Be a little evenhanded here.

I assumed you had a sense of humor, because your attitude towards your ex would have to come from somebody who can see the lighter side.

The closet and societal pressure is awful, and thank you for being a supporter of gay rights. If gay rights gain more acceptance hopefully future generations of women won’t have to ask themselves if their boyfriends are gay, because gay guys won’t feel all the pressure to stay hidden.

I’ll definitly read the book. Is it available on Kindle? You know how techie all we “Mo’s” are. ;)

Jan 6, 2011 at 11:09 am · @Reply ·

Daez

@Spike: Spike you are so completely over the top, and so legally incorrect. An engagement ring is a symbol of a binding contract. The ring means that you pledge marriage. When the man changes his mind, the ring belongs to the woman. When the woman changes her mind, the ring belongs to the man. Sleeping around with dudes is a pretty good indication that you shouldn’t get your ring back if you are the guy.

Then you go on to be even more fucking clueless. Heterosexual marriage is no more about money and control than homosexual marriage is. Sure, you could argue that both involve money and power struggles, but that is a side effect not the basis.

Jan 6, 2011 at 11:29 am · @Reply ·

Daez

@Kiri: Its actually funny because some whore that I went to school with just couldn’t stop talking about how awesome her engagement ring was and how it was real diamonds and all that jazz.

She didn’t spend half the amount of time talking about the man that she did the ring. I knew right then and there that that relationship was doomed because this chick obviously just wanted what she could get when she could get it.

I will agree with some here that it is sick that SOME women go after guys only for what they can get, but a lot of gays do that too.

Jan 6, 2011 at 11:34 am · @Reply ·

Daez

@Nick Farben: She will never get out of that friendless rut unless he actually is truthful with her and forces her to wake up and realize who he really is. Women aren’t stupid, they normally suspect something is going on even if they don’t know for sure something is going on.

Alimony is a beautiful thing, so after the divorce he will still be her financial support. Divorces where the husband has been banging guys on the side have to get pretty nasty.

Jan 6, 2011 at 11:39 am · @Reply ·

Spike

@Kiri: Classic back pedaling and hilarious how many got their panties in a bunch over my comment. Didn’t see anything that would allude to the ref as a joke, no mention of that the ring wasn’t expensive nor your opinion that rings are silly, and no mention of what you did with it – donate to charity maybe? I guess we the reader are supposed to come to that opinion on our own. Typical chick mentality BTW or so the str8t guys tell me, never saying what you mean and never meaning what you say.

Oh with all do respect given I don’t know you and you don’t know me, I’ll calm the F down when you grown up and stop acting/writing like an angry scorned sorority girl who who just found out, to put it nicely, the guy that pinned her prefers boys to you. And I stand by my original comment, regardless of etiquette, courts, tradition, in 2011, any women who keeps the engagement ring, regardless of it’s value, has just accepted ‘payment’ for services rendered.

Jan 6, 2011 at 11:45 am · @Reply ·

GetBalance

@Spike. You have issues with sex love marriage and women. Could you do us all a favor? We as adults don’t appreciate obstinant reactive attackful children interfering with productive conversation. Now if your mother isn’t available to nurse you, maybe you could google a good therapist and regurgitate your issues elsewhere. Many here find you exceptionally annoying. I think ignoring you is the best policy from this point on.

“”
And I stand by my original comment, regardless of etiquette, courts, tradition, in 2011, any women who keeps the engagement ring, regardless of it’s value, has just accepted ‘payment’ for services rendered.””
___________________

Wow, and just who broke your heart?

I notice you have absolutly nothing to say about the guy who was lying to her, sleeping with guys behind her back and ready to trap her into a marriage, that he knew was a farce. This wasn’t some confused and trapped 18 year old Mormon kid. This was an adult who was still doing this. So why the one sidedness?

Spike, did it ever occur to you in your wildest dreams that a jokey tone doesn’t always come across in black and white? And what the hell business is it of yours what I did with the ring, which was of no value to anyone except myself? It was the ONE reminder of my ten year life that I wanted to keep, okay? Are you mad that you will never get an engagement ring, Spike?

Hey guys:

Check out this latest interview and let me know what you think about what I said about my ex’s sexuality “morphing.” I don’t know. That is what he claimed, and what I thought too, but maybe I’m just wrong. I’ve heard different opinions on this.

btw, there is one thing I want to make clear– I told my ex about 2 weeks after the break that I was writing a book about it. His response was, “Go for it.” We were both in creative fields (he is extremely talented in his field) and he understood. And yet he continued to speak to me, knowing this stuff may eventually find its way into a book. And he signed release forms for me after reading the ENTIRE manuscript. This is not a guy who was sucker-punched by a surprise book, okay? I was sucker-punched, not him. Thanks.

Jan 6, 2011 at 6:54 pm · @Reply ·

GetBalance

@Kiri
I think sexuality can morph, but I’d also say there are alot of guys who are actually morphing out of the social stereotype of the idea that men are expected to be masculine chest beating troglodites. I see men morphing into their fem angle, not to be confused with the gay swishy stereotype, and fear reducing for gay men who think they need to be straight ala so many gays coming out etc. But hey, biomorphing might even find you attracted to females someday, if you already aren’t. Ever found yourself attracted to the same sex even just a bit?

@GetBalance: Oh, I wish. As I and most of my female friends say, we wish we were attracted to women! But I do have a couple of small little girl kissing scenes in my book, for those of you interested in that kind of thing. :)

Jan 6, 2011 at 6:59 pm · @Reply ·

GetBalance

@kiri

Yeh some of my female friends have said that. I don’t know the stats but I’ve never understood why str8 guys like to watch girls boink! That’s as weird to me as a str8 guy watching two men. Any clues?

Jan 6, 2011 at 7:31 pm · @Reply ·

scribe

@Kiri: first off you earned that ring, because of his bad behavior… so screw everyone else. If you had cheated I would have said give it back to him. Second… You are really f-ing pretty and also funny. I tell every one who ask, “i’m gay”, but from time to time a woman wins me over for a time. I don’t try to overthink it, just go with what I feel. I’m always honest about liking men with them. Keri, you have so won me over. I would so flirt the hell out of you. lol

Jan 6, 2011 at 7:51 pm · @Reply ·

Luis

@ Kiri

I’ll def buy the book, and I wish you the utmost success with it and in life.

You seem like stand up women.

PS: As I said above, I so wish this book can be made into a movie.

Jan 6, 2011 at 7:51 pm · @Reply ·

dekota fanning bitch

@j: what is wrong with the oppressed being the oppressor? Maybe if we stopped marching and crying like bitches and threw down in a fucking fight we wouldn’t have all this bullshit against us. just saying, time for us fags to man the fuck up.

Jan 6, 2011 at 8:16 pm · @Reply ·

Nick Farben

@Daez: As for my mate, he’s well and truly screwed either way. I’m sure his wife suspects *something*, but I don’t know if she knows that it goes much deeper than just regular marital strife. He’s got a deadline though, which is good: He’s been offered a job in Amsterdam which he will most likely take, and so he has to break it off before carting his wife to another continent. And her family is moving Melbourne (Australia) where they live now so she’ll have support at least. It is unlikely that she’ll collect alimony since she earns more than he does (he’s been between jobs), but she will receive a tidy settlement and he’s accepted that. He’s more worried about her mental state, which is reasonable. She has no friends at work, no friends outside of his circle of friends, and has made no effort to befriend us either. She will literally have no one to hold onto but family when he leaves. This is a gal who cooks dinner for 2, even if he’s overseas.

Jan 6, 2011 at 9:34 pm · @Reply ·

GRAMPS

@Kiri Got my book last night on Kindle. You gave me more insight as to why my ex acted the way she did. Thanks

Really can’t believe all the hoo-ha about the ring. It’s comical, actually. A man cheats on me for at least two years– probably more– and has, in all liklihood, been gay or at least bi for most of our relationship, and I’m supposed to GIVE BACK THE F=ING RING? Anyone like to explain this?! Oh, not to mention that he spent NO money on the ring? Not one dime?! And he didn’t want it back when I asked him like a month later (I’m insane, I know).

Anyway, to those of you on here who are sane, thank you so much for buying the book! Pls understand that some of the cracks I threw his way were out of anger!! I just talked to a gay male friend of mine who said he was not offended by the book in the least and thought it was great, so I feel better now.

Really can’t believe all the hoo-ha about the ring. It’s comical, actually. A man cheats on me for at least two years– probably more– and has, in all likelihood, been gay or at least bi for most of our relationship, and I’m supposed to GIVE BACK THE F=ING RING? Anyone like to explain this?! Oh, not to mention that he spent NO money on the ring? Not one dime?! And he didn’t want it back when I asked him like a month later (I’m insane, I know).

Anyway, to those of you on here who are sane, thank you so much for buying the book! Pls understand that some of the cracks I threw his way were out of anger!! I just talked to a gay male friend of mine who said he was not offended by the book in the least and thought it was great, so I feel better now.

I’m not anti-gay. I’m anti-cheat and lie!

Jan 7, 2011 at 10:15 am · @Reply ·

Daez

@Kiri: That is really what it is. Spike truly is jealous that he will never get a ring. He seems fixated on the ring. That just reeks of jealousy. Lets not get started on his worship of the male while abhorring anything female.

@GetBalance:Its because they fantasize themselves involved with both women pleasing them while pleasing each other. That and they get to see two of everything they like.

Jan 7, 2011 at 10:28 am · @Reply ·

Spike

@Kiri: Hey doll, actually, I’m one of the 18K couples married in California before Prop 8.

Sorry to disappoint your conclusions about me.

Also, never said you were in a sorority, stated you were ‘acting like . . ‘

As for your being ‘anti-cheat and lie’, sorry, you so DON’t know the very beginning of how gay guys have to cheat and lie to survive through high school and college, or at least until they have the courage to come out. You are just angry that you are road kill in his coming out process.

As for the rest of you, keep the hate coming, no doubt there are just as many gold diggers in the gay community as in the str8t!

Jan 7, 2011 at 3:54 pm · @Reply ·

scott ny'er

@GetBalance: Don’t straight girls like to watch 2 guys boink? It is an interesting question.

@Spike: Of course I was angry that I was his “road kill.” I thought I was his fiance. And if you read the book, you would see that I in no way cut him out of my life. He is still in my life. And he knew from the beginning I was writing a book, and he says “If they read it, they will know you were not out to ‘get me.'” I’m glad you are married, Spike, and that you have your own engagement ring. So let me have mine. :)

Question for everyone: Whom in the media, a fictional gay character, is portrayed realistically? Do you feel there are any? Which has come the closest?

Jan 7, 2011 at 6:31 pm · @Reply ·

Wilbready

@Kiri: I wish my ex-wife had treated me with such respect after I came out (during our divorce!) She has set out to destroy me with our children, as if 20 years of ther torture wasn’t bad enough.

Jan 7, 2011 at 10:22 pm · @Reply ·

GetBalance

@Wilbready

That is truly unfortunate as though she is hurt, by not owning up to her own reactions, she will only manage to keep hurting herself and everyone around her. Betrayal is a nasty animal but hopefully she will come around. Noone can do it for her. Pray someone comes along to show her the way out of her self imposed emotional prison.

Jan 7, 2011 at 10:46 pm · @Reply ·

GetBalance

@Scott ny’er

Here is another tid bit of a sexual anomily. I was in an upscale porn shop looking for a movie to rent and here were these two gay girls drewling over gay male porn. I stopped them on their way out and they told me lots of them like gay male porn. Reeally through me. Go figah.

Jan 7, 2011 at 10:53 pm · @Reply ·

Jessie

I’m going to give a great big shout-out to all the gals and guys out there who, after having their hearts broken, didn’t write a self-pitying, self-indulgent memoir that eviscerated the confused, conflicted ex, and instead did what most Americans do: Got over it, grew up, and got on with life. The guy might be an asshole for doing what he did, but this book doesn’t garner any sympathy in me for her… it makes her look petty and melodramatic.

@Jessie: Whether or not the memoir is a legitimate art form is up for debate in another forum (or here?), however, personal experience has been the basis for art since cavemen could etch on their walls. Slaves have written about their oppression, drug addicts have written about their addictions, songwriters have certainly mined heartbreak since the inception of music. In terms of the memoir itself, I’d say there are a few important rules to follow, at least for me. Anyone who came into my sphere in a significant way during that time (including Aaron) knew I was writing a memoir. Anyone who wanted to see and make changes was allowed to do so (including Aaron). And anyone who reads the book would see that I “eviscerate” myself and my behavior as much as anyone’s. Self-indulgence is, of course, unavoidable in the form of the first person memoir, since the story is, naturally, from the narrator’s point of view.

@Jessie: Wasn’t looking or asking for your sympathy. Heartbreak is as legitimate an inspiration for art as is racial oppression, drug addiction, financial hardship, or anything else that spurs a human being to either write, draw, sing or dance. If heartbreak were off limits to human creativity, would we have any good songs? Whether or not the memoir is a legitimate art form is up for some debate (there are still those who believe rap is not an art form), but it has been around for centuries. There are 17th and 18th century personal chronicles that slaves wrote about their experiences. I think as long as no one is surprised by a memoir (everyone important in mine knew I was writing it as I was writing, and also they had a chance to read and make changes– including Aaron). As for the charge of self-indulgence, that is a natural byproduct of the memoir form– which is from the narrator’s point of view– and therefore unavoidable. I assume you would defend your right to comment on this blog– an art form of sorts– and therefore I defend my right to write about my personal experiences and opinions.

Oops, sorry to overload. I thought the first post never went up. So you get two versions of my “memoir as art” defense. ;)

Jan 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm · @Reply ·

scott ny'er

@GetBalance: Yeah. They are also in slash fiction. From what I hear, they dig stuff like Frodo and Sam from LOTR getting it on. OR Spock and Kirk swapping phasers.

Jan 8, 2011 at 7:31 pm · @Reply ·

GetBalance

Kiri a good rule of thumb when blogging, “don’t feed the trolls” they have placed themselves too far down the food chain to take seriously i.e. Spike.

Your guessing game is out of my sphere.

Jan 9, 2011 at 12:44 pm · @Reply ·

zaniell

“I’m going to give a great big shout-out to all the gals and guys out there who, after having their hearts broken, didn’t write a self-pitying, self-indulgent memoir that eviscerated the confused, conflicted ex, and instead did what most Americans do: Got over it, grew up, and got on with life. The guy might be an asshole for doing what he did, but this book doesn’t garner any sympathy in me for her… it makes her look petty and melodramatic.”

–which proves that most Americans are heartless, soulless people who have no idea what’s feelings or love :[ “bang bang and get over”.

I thought you guys might be interested in this email I got this morning. Here is a very small portion:

I read your book and found it to be an inspiration. There are so many men who for years have suppressed or denied their sexuality. So many men on the “down low” for one reason or another. You bring this issue to the forefront of peoples mines in a very real way.

So, I am ready to move on. Ready to accept the fact that I am gay and tell her and accept the consequence.

Its a nice felling and I hope this point of view explain at least my readiness to come clean. Your book, your story is motivation for me to be honest to myself and to my family.