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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Here's another top 5 list because I feel like it! We've seen what the brain trust of Marvel has to offer, but what about the Distinguished Competition? While they may have a lack of real supergeniuses, they compensate by being the most practical motherfunkers around. Their specialty is making the most mundane things totally badass. Let's look at the top 5 most awesome inventions the DC Universe has to offer!

5. OWL-SHIPBefore becoming a pasty has-been, Dan Dreiberg took a page from Batman’s modus operandi and worked the streets of 1985 New York under the name Night Owl. While he wouldn’t be a scaring goons shitless anytime soon with a name like Night Owl, he compensated by inventing what could possibly be the cutest-looking vehicle known to man: the Owl-Ship, which he code namedArchie (after Archimedes, natch). Don’t let the cute owl eyes fool you…the Owl-ship packs serious heat. It’s got smoke screen emitters for stealth jobs, surface-to-surface missiles, flamethrowers…it’s even got a coffee dispenser for when you just need a bit of caffeine rush to beat bad guys senseless. It’s also quite a chick magnet, proving that you don’t need good looks to score with the ladies…you just need a mobile weapons platform shaped like a giant, bug-eyed owl.

4. H-DIAL

Imagine having the power to become a super in the palm of your hands! That’s what Robby Reed had when he found the H-Dial, a device that granted the user amazing powers if you dialed in the right combination of letters. While some of us would just dial G-O-D for some total god-modding in life (or N-V-Z-B-L for the lonely types), Robby would rather dial H-E-R-O and save his town using over a dozen super identities. Years later, the H-Dial fell in the hands of people who would muck around with it and then face the consequences, which were pretty funny (and scary!) to watch. But in the end there would always be someone willing to use it to do the right thing.

3. MOTHER BOXOne of the more wonky concepts of Jack “The King” Kirby, the Mother box is a wondrous device in the New Gods' disposal. It's capable of tons of amazing things, from healing serious injuries, energy manipulation, to creating a portal to anywhere you could imagine…all of it in something often as small as a Rubik’s cube, but a whole lot less frustrating. It was not just a machine, however. It was sentient in itself and was fiercely loyal to its owner, to the point of self-destructing when their owners died. So be thankful the next time you bang and slap the sides of your TVs that it doesn’t fry you where you stand!

2. COSMIC TREADMILLTrust Barry Allen to retrofit a treadmill into one of the most insane time traveling devices known to man. The cosmic treadmill allows speedsters to precisely travel through time and go on all sorts of adventures. So unlike some of us who walk on treadmills and get nowhere fast, guys like Barry Allen actually get things done while on one! Since then, villains and other ne'er-do-well's have fought over this treadmill, much like some moms would do if it was on sale at Wal-Mart. Unfortunately it only works if you can run really fast (it needs some 'top speed' prerequisites like the DeLorean), and it was known to mess up people who tried to mess with it. Still, the very fact that Barry sees the potential of such mundane things like that gets my respect anytime.

1. BATARANGWhile sitting in the Batcave, the Goddamn Batman mused about making the ultimate weapon, something that would identify him and kick tons of asses at the same time. And with that, the Batarang was born. Since then, Batman introduced the Batarang to many a goon’s hand, neck, nape and face, and the era of themed weapons has never been the same ever since. It’s so versatile that he could customize it anyway he wants. He could tie a batarang to the end of a cord and it becomes a grappling hook! Make them twice as big as his arm and use them as swords! Shit, he could hold a batarang in each hand and use it to climb sheer rock faces and glaciers! And even when Batman has access to more awesome weapons, he always packs some batarangs just in case he needs to remind criminals (from range!) who the hell they think he is.

That's my choice for top 5 awesome DC inventions! But if you think otherwise, or would like to add to this list, drop me a line at the comment box below and let's talk about it!

Be the grains of sand, and nothing but time will take you. The rocks must become it, the waves and wind must bear it and those who would hold it find it slips through their grasp. Always some trace in a faraway nook, if never the whole is seen again.