Week 181: You Can Take It to Debunk
Famous slogan to be debunked: "There is no wrong way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup."
1. Loading it into a .357 Magnum and having it fired into your mouth.
2. Coating it with cyanide, then eating it.
3. Having it "pre-chewed."
Today's contest was suggested by Arthur C. Adams and Mike Young of Laurel, who win official NFL realistic dashboard figurines of Dan Marino, who looks exactly like Liberace, and Brett Favre, who looks like Howdy Doody. Arthur and Mike suggest that you take a common slogan or saying -- it can be an aphorism, or from an ad, or from poetry or literature -- and prove it wrong with at least one example. Winner gets a box of 36 vintage "Eggbert and Eggberta" cocktail napkins, featuring the antics of two fetuses; this was a remarkably tasteless comic strip popular in the early 1960s. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 181, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 178, in which you were asked to imitate Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts."
Third Runner-Up: I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Second Runner-Up: I once heard the voice of God. It said, "Vrrrrmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. (John Grunwell, Olney)
First Runner-Up:I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Plato and Aristotle gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and we wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements, and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. (Philip Vitale, Arlington)
And the winner of the freeze-dried mouse:
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting started. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Honorable Mentions:
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally, but I didn't want to upset him. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Home is where the house is. (John MacDonald, Washington)
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. (Betsy Earp, Columbia)
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him gargle. (Matt Barazia, Falls Church)
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of a year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. (Hank Maine, Arlington)
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. (Steven King, Alexandria)
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts went there and found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. (Ted Roberts, Alexandria)
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! (Jeff Bridgman, Herndon)
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. (Jason Steinhorn, Silver Spring)
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding," or . . . (Bob Sprague, Alexandria)
People who look at you strangely are not necessarily aliens, but it's often safest to just take the quarter and move on. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Once I wept, for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them, right? (Christopher Johnson, Herndon)
When I go to Heaven I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and old-man smell. (Helene Haduch, Washington)
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of his life? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then I remember it is because he sucks. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
I told my girlfriend that I would always be there for her. I think she appreciated that, but the other women in the sauna seemed mad. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say dot com. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville)
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I have found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)
And Last: I used to scoff at people who said, "What goes around comes around." Then The Washington Post sent me back my underpants. (Joseph Romm, Washington)