Football News Continually Missing the Target

Portsmouth Football Club are completing final credit checks….Oh who are we kidding, Portsmouth are set to announce three new owners said to be fluffy, educational and mischievous. Little is known about the bidders Zippy, George and Bungle but is is believed they made most of their money in real estate alongside a successful trek to the end of a rainbow to locate a pot of gold.

The career of players like Michael Owen could be well and truly over after the prospect of a return for artificial pitches looked set to bring back the classic knee graze. The PFA have demanded to know why players may be subjected to those showers where you gently move your leg into the water only to scream out in absolute agony as the stinging sensation takes effect.

A historic deal was penned by the Football League last night to sell Premier League sides youth team players from the side of the road for a knock down price. The 92 clubs decided that every second Sunday the M6 would become a one stop shop for players under 17 who can dribble a football. The initiative will replace the old, clunky method of Premier League clubs being forced to give Football League clubs some money.

A spokesman for the top flight said ‘whilst it was great stocking up on all of this talent and storing them in our cupboards for the future we were starting to notice the costs were stacking up a bit. With this agreement we can just slip the road side seller a fiver and be on our merry way. Nobody likes to pay for things so this evidently works out well for all parties…Except the other one.’

Hade Nuff, a lower league fan from Reading added ‘when will the Premier League just go insert themseleves into their own bottoms? Break away, ban relegation, go play in Thailand, just p*** off and leave me to watch my football in peace would you.’

A survey of football league clubs has found that it’s probably best just to catch the result of your team’s game on the Internet or something, after findings concluded that Blackburn Rovers was the only day out you could ‘enjoy’ for less than £20. Supporters facing rain soaked, freezing winter afternoons will be faced with ticket prices reaching £40 in League One this season whilst Tottenham, Chelsea and Fulham continue to rub it in that their supporters are a bunch of rich bankers able to afford close to £100 a game.