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Diamond Comics released their monthly sales numbers today, showing Marvel holding onto a healthy lead in Unit Share and Dollar Share, as well has taking eight of the top ten comics spots. The news must be very distressing for DC Comics, as this is the last full month of comic book publishing before the world is scheduled to end on December 21, according to what most experts believe. DC's sales lead following 2011's Nu52 reboot started to wane toward the end of Marvel's Avengers vs. X-Men event and the beginning of Marvel NOW! This month, Marvel led the Unit Share charts 40% to 335, and the Market Share 34% to 30%, dealing a crushing defeat to DC.

"We only needed to hold on for a few more months, dammit!" said DC head honcho Dan Didio, pounding his fist into his desk. "We could have gone out on top!"

Since pretty much the month after DC's reboot last year, internet fanboys, typically regarded as mature and knowledgeable about industry statistics, have been complaining that DC's comics were only receiving a temporary boost due to the hype and number one issues, and that the company's sales would soon fall back down to pre-reboot numbers. "It was never meant to be a long-term strategy," Didio told us. "We needed to hold out until the world was consumed by a giant fireball or whatever is going to happen later this month. We were so close!"

DC only managed to land two books on the top ten chart: Batman #14 at number two, and Justice League #14 at number 9. Marvel held the rest of the spots, with All New X-Men #1, Captain America #1, Deadpool #1, Indestructible Hulk #1, Iron Man #1, Fantastic Four #1, Uncanny Avengers #2, and Thor: God of Thunder #1. "Our research has shown that the number one is the favorite number of comic book readers," said Joe Quesada, the Marvel mastermind behind the strategy to copy DC's reboot and steal back their sales lead. "Followed by that is the number two, then the number three, and so on."

"As it turns out, we've been struggling for years trying to figure out how to get people to buy our comics," continued Quesada, "but the longer we let a book run, the more we sabotage ourselves. Did you know that the number 699 is, on average, the 699th favorite number of comic book readers? That's why we let Dan Slott turn the latest issue of Amazing Spider-Man into an octogenarian porno. We knew no one was going to read a book with a number that high."

If nothing else, the revelation that DC has lost the final showdown in comic book sales explains the mysterious meetings the company held this week, reported on no less than seven times in the course of a few days by Bleeding Cool. "Bleeding Cool is bloody right again, isn't it mates?!" proclaimed Rich Johnston, BC's chief rumormonger and cock of the walk. "We bloody told you chaps those bloody meetings were about something bloody big! Pip pip, motherfuckers!"

It is unknown whether Diamond plans to release partial sales charts for the three weeks of December prior to the end of the world. We asked Diamond's president, former wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, for comment, but he declined to respond.

On the bright side, the impending doom has empowered The Outhouse to fill this article with fake quotes from Didio and Quesada without any fear of legal repercussions. "It's not slander if everyone on the planet is dead," said ThanosCopter, Outhouse news reporter and optimist.

But what if the end doesn't come, and nobody dies? "Oh, they'll die," said Copter, rubbing his hands together and looking thoughtful. "They'll die."