A ghastly situation like this one calls for sympathy and compassion. It would be in the very worst taste, for example, to point out that Promethean Times was ahead of the pack in spotlighting this pernicious destroyer of youth, and had Little Erik heeded this warning, the boy might very well be alive right now. It’s difficult to imagine anyone stooping to that sort of verbal thuggery.

Even more than critical than sympathy or compassion, however, is the need for blind, unreasoning panic. This situation is far too dangerous for America to stand by idly doing nothing. Something must be done, and quickly. This may mean entertaining hastily laid plans which will later take a tremendous toll, perhaps in terms of money, infrastructure or even human lives. The danger makes it worth the risk!

Don’t do nothing–do something!

And while you’re at it, be aware of dangers like the designer drug, Jenkem, which can be made using products found in the typical American bathroom.

A Douche Against Dip: A Lot Like Jerry Springer, But With Less Dignity

Apparently taking to heart the concept of America spending its way out of recession, a NJ congressman is calling for a hearing regarding the use of tobacco Major League Baseball.

Rep. Frank Pallone (D-N.J.), who helms the energy and commerce health subcommittee, said that the practice provides a poor example to young people who are baseball fans.

The disastrous effect seeing a handful of athletes engage in a disgusting habit might have on America’s impressionable children aside, it’s not clear why the grandstanding representative thinks the government should have any say regarding the use of a legal product by adults.

Now it might be different if the baseball players drew their salaries from the public dime, like this guy:

Why else would this three-time loser kill the cash cow by leaving his awful show?

Good Luck, Chuck!

Industry insiders speculate that the volatile hack may have contracted a case of misplaced artistic integrity (MAI) during his most recent rehab stint. Delusions are a common symptom of the MAI infection, which could lead Sheen to forget that his artistic range is roughly analagous to the distance Richard Simmons can throw a baseball.

Ball Four.

But unlike many of Sheen’s previous infections, this one won’t be fixed by a quick visit to a discreet Mexican doctor. Charlie should know by now that performing in a cultural Mariana Trench like Two and a Half Men is a lot like being a professional manure wrestler. You can leave the ring–but the shit still sticks to you.

By Smaktakula

In the debate over California’s upcoming ballot measure to legalize marijuana, Promethean Times has heretofore resisted editorializing so that the electorate might arrive at its own decision in November. However, the discourse has done little to educate voters, and instead has achieved the converse: leaving them confused and angry about what may very well be the defining issue of our times. This imperative makes clear the mandate that Promethean Times, as a long-trusted source of clear and accurate information, make known its stand on this very important issue.

Promethean Times does NOT support the effort to legalize marijuana in California. America’s stoners have been duped: decriminalizing cannabis is nothing more than a smokescreen for a concerted attack on vital American industries. Unfortunately, hemp-heads don’t have much time to think about these things, electing to preserve their attenuated attention spans for an Aqua Teen Hunger Force mini-marathon.

By Any Means Necessary: These Hippies Don't Care Who Gets Hurt As Long As Reefer Is Legal

Voters are already well-acquainted with legalization’s most obvious dangers: increased crime and urban blight in the form of such scenarios as pot smokers robbing local businesses at gunpoint to support their habit, women selling themselves for as little as a dime bag, and formerly pristine streets of mainstream America festooned with Ziplocs and Zig-Zags. Moreover, anti-weed activists speak ominously of a critical snacks and munchies shortfall–the stoner’s equivalent of a “Perfect Storm.” If America found itself in the throes of a CSMS during a national event such as the Super Bowl or Final Idol, the effect upon the nation would be both immediate and calamitous.

As bad as those things are, they fail to take into account a hitherto undiscussed result of marijuana legalization: the effect legalization will have on outlaw marijuana growers. These cannabis cowboys fear that legalization will not only prove the death knell for a once-thriving industry, but also for a time-honored and cherished way of life.

The growers are right to be worried. If pot is legalized, the high quality marijuana which currently is grown in remote places like Humboldt County, California, will be available in areas of the state which up to now have been forced to settle for shwag or Mexican dirtweed. Within months of legalization places like Humboldt County will more closely resemble Harlan County, Kentucky than their former selves.

But the grim toll of legalization does not end with the outlaw growers and their families. Also affected are the businesses, often local, which provide the materials for the illegal grow operation: fertilizer & feed stores, horticulture supply stores, as well as companies manufacturing steel-jaw traps for catching poachers, lawmen and unlucky hikers.

What effect will legalization have on local peace officers? Much like tips are to servers, local law enforcement officers feed their families with the bribe money they receive from growers. Similarly, the need to use thousands upon thousands of man hours in the effort to interdict a tiny portion of the drug trade helps DEA agents pay their mortgages. How will California voters explain to the families of these law enforcement officers that because they can’t shake their jones for the sweet, sweet cheeba, there won’t be any Christmas this year–or ever again?

Legalization will be harmful enough within the borders of California, but will metastasize beyond the borders even of the nation. With the loss of the illegal marijuana trade, the Mexican drug cartels will be forced to rely solely on the enormous profits they derive from the sale of methamphetamine, cocaine and heroin, as well as the lucrative human-smuggling market. It’s easy to see the human face of marijuana legalization when one considers that the average Mexican narco-enforcer has 7 children to feed.

The Hidden Victims Of Legalization: Bribe Money Keeps His Daughter In Catholic School

In November, California voters will be presented with an historic opportunity–the chance stand arm-in-arm with the hard-working men and women toiling in America’s illicit shadow industries, to advocate on behalf of La Familia hitmen and the Federales they bribe, and to support the legal industries which help support illegal grow operations–by voting NO on marijuana legalization. Americans are best served by restricting their indulgences to safe and legal products such as alcohol or tobacco.

California voters will have the opportunity in November to legalize marijuana through the ballot box. Cannabis legalization is a complicated and contentious issue, requiring every voter to search his or her own soul. There are no easy answers.

Promethean Times will not attempt to influence popular opinion by revealing our stand on this hot-button issue. We recommend instead that the public seek an unbiased opinion about the pros and cons of marijuana legalization from experts such as this distinguished gentleman:

Texas Rangers Manager Ron Washington apologized for testing positive for cocaine last summer. Our celebrity-obsessed society dictates that what would be an embarrassing episode for a private citizen, must become an excercise in self-flagellation for anyone who appears on television more than twice a year. This is not only hypocritical and hurtful, but pointless.

Our sympathies lie with Mr. Washington. There is this bit of sticky business, however:

Washington said that he used the drug one time and it’s the only time he has used cocaine in his life.

Wha? Who tries coke for the first time at 57 years old? Really–who does that? Ron, we’re on your side here, but don’t treat us like we’re idiots.

Ron Washington is not the only person associated with the Texas Rangers to have grappled with drug issues:

Wal-Mart, never known for its benevolent business tactics or for treating its employees like human beings, has taken dickheadedness to new and exciting heights heretofore undreamed in the long and storied annals of corporate douchebaggery.

Joseph Casias was fired for violating Wal-Mart’s drug policy by using marijuana.

Was he toking up in the Wal-Mart?

No, it turned up in a blood test after he was injured at work.

Aha! Well, cannabis use is against policy.

Mr. Casias used marijuana for medical reasons.

No doubt. Did he get it for chronic insomnia?

Yeah, that–along with inoperable brain and sinus cancer.

. . .

A story so bathed in pathos would give almost pause to almost any other corporate juggernaut–even the most despicable and black-hearted. But the Great Beast Wal-Mart is not simply any corporate juggernaut; it is an entity unto itself and unlike anything known to man. Wal-Mart divested itself of compassion along with high prices a long time ago. The only time pathos can expect notice from Wal-Mart is when it comes with a price tag.

Wal-Mart said it had no plans to rehire Mr. Casias, but that it wished him the very best, from the bottom of its black and kitten skull-encrusted heart.

The illicit inhalation of household products, or huffing, can have profound and disastrous effects on users. It is axiomatic that this message be reinforced among young people, the group most likely to begin abusing inhalants. Reminding the public about the danger posed by inhalants is a laudable endeavor, but sounding the alarm for its own sake is foolish.

Are more children using inhalants now?

The rate of inhalant use of that age has remained steady over the past few years, but officials are concerned that young people increasingly do not see abusing inhalants as risky.

Oh. Inhalant abuse hasn’t increased among children, it’s just that officials are worried about it. Apparently, Reuters thinks you should be worried too. Just like with Jenkem, K2 and the Choking Game.

While it’s true that most reasonable people would be horrified to be in any way associated with these E-Trade grotesqueries, it’s not clear that the use of the name “Lindsay” was intended to imply any connection with Ms. Lohan. The infant in the commercial could be any skank named Lindsay.

Team Lohan will no doubt respond with the trenchant counter that prior to Ms. Lohan’s use of the name, “Lindsay” was associated with virtue. Now the name is linked inextricably not only to skanks, but also to sluts, hos, tramps, ladies of easy virtue and the like. Ms. Lohan will therefore contend that any unflattering or mocking depiction of a “Lindsay” is a direct and intentional use of the former child-star’s image.

What Might Have Been

Regardless of the lawsuit’s outcome, there are already plenty of losers. A generation of young women looks up to Lindsay Lohan, and to those women–the skanks of tomorrow–this news will no doubt come as a heavy blow. But like the spunky strumpet they idolize, this junior varsity Jersey Shore will no doubt face the coming challenges with characteristic élan. Look for them and you will find them: lifting up their shirts for a stranger’s camera, dressing like hookers to piss off Daddy, and that old chestnut–getting a mammoth, butterfly design tramp stamp which reads CLASSY LASSY.

Lindsay may be down for the moment, but the Sisterhood of Skank soldiers on.