Hug those precious kids long and often

Saturday

Sep 21, 2013 at 4:30 AM

In a trailer for Bruce Willis’ new(ish) “Die Hard” movie, his son says, “We’re not a hugging family” to his dad, who responds, “Damn straight,” proudly.

In a trailer for Bruce Willis’ new(ish) “Die Hard” movie, his son says, “We’re not a hugging family” to his dad, who responds, “Damn straight,” proudly.Well, we are a hugging family and proud of it. When our children were young, we constantly gave them affection. They knew they were loved and still do. Though young adults now, they still hug both their parents and their siblings.Since January, a group of Hendersonvillians (or would that be Hootervillians?) has been meeting on a regular basis with one main purpose. Remember Newtown.On Dec. 14 last year in Newtown, Conn., 20-year-old Adam Lanza shot his mother in the head, killing her, and then went to Sandy Hook Elementary School and shot and killed 20 kids and six staff members. He then killed himself.“Many people have forgotten Newtown already,” said Doug Freeman, one of the event organizers. “You mention it, and they look at you with a blank stare.”I stood with the group of 25 or so at the old courthouse last Saturday and held a banner that read “Newtown” next to two gentlemen on my right holding a sign that read “Remember.” Remember Newtown.Each of the others would take a turn stepping forward, holding up a picture of one of the 26 victims and calling out the name and age of that person. The rest of us would repeat it out loud. We did this four or five times in the space of an hour.“Why do you do this?” I asked Freeman.“Well, eventually we’d like to see some anti-gun-violence legislation passed,” he said.A laudable pursuit. Who wouldn’t be against gun violence? I’m sure the NRA is against gun violence (though ironically and sadly, gun sales went through the roof after the Newtown tragedy) as much as it is against any legislation that may limit sales of guns or its power over legislators.

I encourage any like-minded people to join the group at noon Oct. 12 at the old courthouse. Looking at the pictures of those murdered — 6- and 7-year-old innocent children and the caregivers who died trying to protect them, now dead for a reason we may never fathom — is extremely moving, especially for those with a child in their lives.But I didn’t go there just to remember Newtown. I had another goal in mind. I wanted to meet Diane Swift, founder of the group. A psychotherapist for 35-plus years, Swift has, coincidentally, practiced in Newtown as well as in Denver, near Columbine. She is quite confident of what drove the Newtown perpetrator to do what he did.“I think Adam Lanza had reactive attachment disorder (RAD),” she said. “I think the boys in the Columbine shooting did as well.”According to Wikipedia: “RAD is characterized by markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate ways of relating socially in most contexts. It can take the form of a persistent failure to initiate or respond to most social interactions in a developmentally appropriate way.”“If children have poor or abusive care, or neglect, even disrupted care,” said Swift, “they might have an inability to form close relationships their entire life.”People with RAD may not have empathy for others, or a conscience.“Lanza and the pair from Columbine showed the very characteristics of RAD. They committed heinous acts with no feeling, no empathy, no conscience. They never fully developed a conscience,” she said.According to Swift, RAD is more pervasive in our society than many think.“In the prisons, most of the prisoners have had very poor parenting, especially the violent ones. And domestic violence has often been tied to the man’s relationship with his mother. You have to realize RAD can be as bad as post-traumatic stress syndrome, like soldiers returning from war. They can have flashbacks to when they were hurt, or neglected, and it hurts again. What I believe is underneath all this is fear. The child has been neglected and doesn’t want to be hurt again.”People with this disorder are often angry at their mother because they feel neglected or abused. The anger is more often toward the mother than the father. Lanza killed his mother first before heading to the school. He was, of course, a rare and extreme example of this disorder.

“Our connection begins in the womb,” Swift said. “At five months’ gestation, a child can recognize the mother’s voice.”Because of that, adopted children, including those adopted at birth, often suffer from this disorder. They feel abandoned. “Many people are misdiagnosed as having other ailments such as being bipolar because you can throw drugs at those diagnoses. You can’t throw drugs at RAD.”Therapy for RAD can take from six months to a few years. “I usually want to fire myself after five or six months,” Swift said, laughing.I asked how you prevent this disorder. “Lots of holding,” was the first thing she said.It’s a stretch to say if Lanza’s mother (or another caregiver) had held him more when he was young, she and the 26 Newtown victims would be alive, and Lanza as well. But maybe. Maybe if he’d been diagnosed and received therapy. We’ll never know.But I think it’s a good idea to hedge our bets and hold and hug our children long and often. It certainly can’t hurt.Hug them and remember how precious they are.Remember Newtown.Anyone wanting information on reactive attachment disorder can call Swift at 828-595-9063.

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