Everyday life as a Domina

Tag Archives: orgasm denial

The last couple of weeks or so, I’ve been engaged in casual correspondence with a very young man (we’ll just call him N) interested in joining his local scene and serving a Domme locally (he doesn’t live anywhere near me).

He originally contacted me to ask for advice meeting people. Being under 21 makes going to most munches difficult, being that young makes being taken seriously difficult (been there, done that), and his experience up to this point has been extremely limited. All of those factors, plus a couple more he’s requested remain private, make for a very frustrated submissive.

I can understand that. Wading through the waist-high sea of bullshit in any dating scene is irritating, but with all of the added elements and intricacies of a D/S relationship, things can get tough.

I get it. I feel for you.

However…

An interesting topic came up early in our conversations. He made the comment that every Domme he’s talked to required chastity, or, at the very least, some form of orgasm control. He said he feels like pretty much every Domme requires this in their relationships.

Yeah… and the sky is blue. What’s your point?

Chastity is a hard limit for him. More so than that, orgasm denial or orgasm control of any sort is a hard limit for him.

This comment was made in passing, in a longer email about something else, but it caught my attention, and I asked about it.

He said,”I don’t need to give up access to my dick to prove my loyalty.”

Um…. what?

Now I do want to point out that there’s nothing he’s said up to this point that makes me doubt his loyalty to a potential Domme, or his intentions.

But a FLR without orgasm control? What does that even look like?

I mean, I understand it in casual weekend-type relationships. But in a full-time FLR?

I just couldn’t get my head around it. So that spurred a discussion about how orgasms affect a man’s mental and emotional state, how keeping him denied benefits both him and his Dominant.

And I don’t know, everyone is different. It’s entirely possible that orgasms don’t affect him the way they affect most men. It’s entirely possible that he’s the poster boy for perfect submission even without orgasm control.

But, as I pointed out to him, many Dominant women prefer to control that aspect of a man’s life. Even in my own relationships, where a complete TPE is my eventual goal, orgasm control is a requirement. I prefer chastity, and keeping my boys caged, but will allow the honor system as well, depending on the boy and the situation.

But for me, it’s not a matter of trust, anyway. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a boy if I didn’t trust him.

No, it’s something I require because it’s hot to deny him access to his own body. There’s a difference between not cumming because he has been told not to, and not cumming because he can’t. It’s a pretty significant difference, actually.

I want to control every aspect of my subs’ lives. Of course I want to control his access to his cock. I want him to be dependent on me for that pleasure.

I couldn’t take him seriously in the long term if orgasm control wasn’t an option. I wouldn’t be as interested in a relationship if my level of control was limited.

Of course, I don’t speak for every Domme, and I’m sure there are female-led-relationships that don’t incorporate chastity or orgasm control. But I’ve never come across one.

So I was talking with kazander the other night, and we got on the subject of male subs and female subs, and the differences between them.

Specifically, the difference in frequency of orgasms.

With female subs, it’s quite common to give her orgasms. It’s quite common to give her multiple orgasms. On any given day, a hefty number of collared sub girls can realistically expect at least one orgasm from her Dominant.

Sure, girls in chastity exist, and orgasm denial exists with girls, but it’s not as prevalent as it is with sub boys.

And he asked why.

Well, the obvious answer is that letting him (or any boy) cum kind of ruins my mood. I know he’s not going to feel submissive, and that our play is pretty much done, and it’s going to take a few days of effort to get him back where I want him.

Women don’t have that problem. Orgasms don’t necessarily diminish desire and submissiveness in girls. Depending on the girl, multiple orgasms can make her even more slutty and submissive, which is awesome. I played with a girl for awhile who became that soft, sweet pile of subby goo after a few orgasms, so guess what I did every damn time I played with her. I gave her plenty of orgasms to put her in that slutty headspace and to keep her there.

But he pointed something out that I hadn’t really considered.

Most of his submission is motivated by sexual pleasure. He’s not really service-oriented. He does it because it turns him on.

And that’s not news to me. He’s always been that way, but as long as he does what the fuck he’s told, I’m not really concerned about whether his submission comes from a desire to serve or a desire for sexual gratification. As long as he’s that deliciously slutty puddle of goo, I’m happy.

But he did bring up an interesting point. He knows that he isn’t allowed to cum often. He’s lucky if he gets to cum once a week. So when it is finally allowed to happen, he knows for a fact that it’ll be at least a week before it happens again. And that knowledge can make it tough for him to fall back into that submissive mindset. It can make it harder for him to genuinely put his heart and soul into his submission, and that makes neither of us happy. He knows that, for at least the next few days, it won’t matter how well he behaves or how far and above he goes beyond what I expect of him, nothing he can do will give him the reward he wants.

And that doesn’t make me happy, obviously, but it doesn’t make him happy, either. He craves that headspace, he craves that structure, and he pointed out that it’s not necessarily the orgasm that ruins it for him, but the knowledge that it won’t happen again for a long time. And he hopes that the new routines I’m implementing will help, particularly being made to suck my strap-on each day, but he’s really had trouble falling back to that headspace in the days immediately after an orgasm.

When he brought this to my attention, I replied by telling him that I want to pull his focus off of his dick and his pleasure.

And he understands that. But he brought up another point. A lot of the sexual attention I give him surrounds the dick. I edge him to keep him horny. I randomly reach down and grope him when I want to remind him that I own what hangs there. I use CBT to discipline him, punish him, or just when I’m feeling sadistic and want to make him squirm. To reward him, or if I’m feeling generous, I’ll play with it or absently fondle it while watching TV. More often than not, I’ll take him out of chastity while I play with him, so I can tease and mess with him. And then, when I’m done with him, I’ll lock him back up and put him away for the night.

A good deal of the sexual attention I give him focuses on the dick. So how can I expect him not to think about it, when I actively keep it at the front of his mind?

And that’s a good point.

And I know how to fix that. I could lock him up, keep him locked up, and start using other things to give him pleasure. Particularly his ass. I could absently finger him instead of absently fondling him. I could grab his ass instead of the dick. I could fuck him with my strap-on instead of edge him. And it doesn’t have to be just his ass. His entire body is my sexual playground, and I could feasibly go weeks and more without touching the dick. It’s something that could easily be changed.

But you know what? I like playing with the dick. It’s mine, and it’s my favorite toy. I don’t want to stop.

And why should I? Why should I have to deny myself something I thoroughly enjoy doing? I like playing with my toy, and I intend to continue playing with my toy. I have no desire to change that.

So then how do we solve the problem of his submission waning after an orgasm?

Simply by randomizing the frequency. He may cum once a week, he may cum once a month, he may cum three times in two days.

I’m going to take away his downtime. An orgasm today will not necessarily mean that he won’t orgasm tomorrow, if I feel he deserves it, or if I want to make him cum in a humiliating way, or if I want to punish him by making him eat it.

So it gives him something concrete to work toward. It keeps him aware, keeps him motivated, even after orgasm. It makes him want to submit, even when his desire is at its lowest point.

Of course, good behavior and going above and beyond my expectations does not, and never will, guarantee an orgasm. As always, it is at my discretion. There’s nothing he can do, nothing he can say, that will give him that guarantee. And since he’s no longer allowed to ask if he can cum, the only way he can raise his chances is to surrender himself, surrender his control. It will help remind him of who and what he is, where his place is within our relationship, and what I expect from him.

It will help him fall back into that blissfully slutty mindset that we both love. He’ll be more satisfied because he’ll have motivation, he’ll have structure, and he’ll more intimately feel the power I hold over him. I’ll be more satisfied because getting him to do what he’s told after orgasm won’t be a struggle.

I’ve been in rather high demand lately. Between playdates, lunch dates, and pedicures, I really haven’t had a lot of time to myself the last couple of weeks. And that doesn’t seem to be letting up any time soon. Continue reading →

Yesterday, I suffered the tragic loss of my vibrating wand. I was using it while kazander fingered me when all of a sudden, it lost power and died. The first thing I did was check to make sure it was still plugged in.

It was.

Then I checked to see if it was overheating (which, due to the amount of time it can sometimes take to make me cum, is relatively common).

It wasn’t.

Then, in a sudden burst of insanity brought on by desperation, I fiddled with the dial again and again, willing the thing to turn back on. But it stubbornly remained dead, and none of my attempts to revive it made any difference.

I was devastated. Seriously guys, I could’ve cried. I felt like someone had killed my puppy.

Kazander thought it was hilarious. Until I grabbed him by his hair and made him finish the job with his tongue.

But I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. It’s our most-used toy, and it’s lasted about a year. It cost 60 bucks, and I guess that a pretty good deal for the few hundred hours of play we got out of it. Still, it sucked to lose it.

Needless to say, I went out and bought another one that same night, and we broke it in as soon as the baby was put to bed.

I’m still in the middle of denying kazander a real orgasm. It’s been a week, and I finally decided to milk his prostate and release some of that fluid. And let me tell you, it’s not as easy as you’d think. But I bought a prostate massager that attaches to my wand that should help. And hopefully, it’ll arrive sometime tomorrow.

It’s cute how horny he is after being given a ruined orgasm though. He was still begging to be allowed to cum again. But the only thing he can hope for is a ruined orgasm for the forseeable future.

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What this blog is

This is an 18+ blog about my day-to-day life as a Domina, wife, mother, and all that other crap. A chronicle of me. While this blog focuses primarily on the D/s aspect of my life and my relationships with Kazander, Steel, and Sounder, it is not exclusive to that subject, and I might talk about my kid, or my annoying mother, or my sister's pet cat, or whatever the hell I feel like talking about.

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It begins over a friendly disagreement, during which you smile, roll your eyes, and say, “Go fuck yourself.”

“But, Ma’am, that’s physically impossible.”

You smirk and ask how certain I am of this. On a roll, I launch into a smug and tangential rant about the anatomical impossibility of an individual’s being capable of fucking oneself. Your response is to merely shrug, smile, and make a cryptic statement:

“Don’t be so sure…”

Later that evening, you tell me bedtime will be early, an hour early to be exact. The amused look on your face says it would be in my best interests not to argue.

Sometimes I fall into a vicious cycle where I’m mentally and emotionally frustrated and cannot manage to channel that energy into productive avenues. In the old days, this would lead to drinking or drugs, but I don’t do that anymore. Instead, I try to go about my day, generally fail to complete mundane tasks and end up feeling ‘stuck’ – this progresses into a cycle of mild depression, feelings of inertia, guilt over said inertia, and then on and on it goes until something snaps me out of it.

It feels like I’m seated in a car stuck in neutral yet compelled to rev the engine until it screams.

When did I last curl up in her lap? It’s been so long, I cannot recall. Despite numbered boxcars on the calendar and the disinterested faces of clocks, a concrete memory eludes me. Time, location, and date, they’re merely three dimensions after all.