Wednesday, February 15, 2012

There Are Only Ten Ways To Fall In Love Day!

Today there are only ten ways to fall in love. They are as follows:

Number 10. You’re a doctor, he’s a nurse. After a long night in the ER, he drives you home while listening to the police scanner on his dashboard. When the dispatcher announces the address of a house fire you both look at each other and smile a smile that says, “Holy shit I finally found someone gets as turned on as I do by watching stuff burn,” and when he floors it you’ll know you just fell in

Number 9. It’s Christmastime and you’re both married when he bumps into you at the department store and knocks your presents out of your hand. So you go out for a drink and you converse like you’ve been friends for years, and you discover that you grew up in the same town and you both watched the same boy drown in a quarry in 1992 and neither one of you did a thing to save him and that’s when you fall in

Number 8. You’re engaged to a wealthy society boy, but you’re having an affair with your Pilates instructor, so you convince your Pilates instructor to murder your fiancé. He pulls it off and then strips down to play in your fiance’s blood and you’re like, “Damn Ted, I thought I was the only one who enjoyed being coated in that gritty slick.” You strip down and embrace in the puddle and that’s when you know you’re in

Number 7. You’re being attacked by dogs and the owner of the dogs comes running up and calls off his dogs by shouting, “No, she’s too beautiful.” When he asks you if you’d like to go to a hospital you tell him you don’t believe in medicine and he says, “Me neither. I only trust in the Lord. But I would’ve have driven you while praying that your soul be spared the fires of hell if you wanted to go. That’s how beautiful you are.” Then you go inside and you find out you both like to spend weekends wearing nothing but rubber, and that’s when you fall in

Number 6. You’re a widow and he’s a cable TV installer. When he asks you how your husband died you say drunk-driver and he says over on 7th and Market and you say yes and he says oh my god that was me I have no choice but to try and fill your life with all the happiness I took from you and that’s how you discovered you still have it in you to fall in

Number 5. You’re both cats. You meet when you’re both adopted by the same owner. You just go right ahead and fall in

Number 4. She’s a bartender. You’re a novelty urinal mint salesman. She never laughs at your urinal mints, so you take a writing class to help you come up with funnier urinal mints, but before you know it you’ve finished a novel and it’s a bestseller and so you quit selling funny urinal mints. The book is all about her, you wrote her life, the one you imagine for her, that sadness you wish you could chase away, all the things you’ve dreamed for those beautiful eyes to see. She comes to a book signing and you go out for coffee where you learn that neither of you can have an orgasm unless you’re listening to the “27 Dresses” soundtrack, and that’s when you fall in

Number 3. He’s just been told he’s got six months to live, and you’ve just been told you were adopted. You meet through an online dating site and at first he’s all, “I have 35 or 40 years to live I mean who doesn’t?” And you’re all “I was raised by my biological parents can you imagine if I wasn’t?” After three dates you both admit your secrets and that you were afraid of scaring each other off, and you also both admit to having extensive collections of slaughterhouse videocassettes shot by actual slaughterhouse floor employees and then and only then do you truly madly deeply fall in

Number 2. You fall down a well. He’s there, been there for years. He teaches you which bugs are edible. That’s when you know it’s

Number 1. Your name’s Pamela. Her name’s Marjory. You’re both walking down the side of a highway during an evacuation because there’s an asteroid on its way. When you find shelter and start making love Marjory’s like, “Call me Stephen. It won’t happen for me unless you call me Stephen.” And you’re like “Oh my God I was just about to tell you to call me Stephen.” You agree to fistfight over who gets to be called Stephen. Marjory knocks you down and you hit your head bad, and in your final moments of life you realize that you’ve just fallen head over heels in love.