Thursday, June 29, 2006

* I had another lawn salad today...although this time I also swallowed a bug as well. It was kind of like having a salad with chicken strips in it. Dang...I forgot the dressing!

* The other night I had a dream that I was being chased by a giant banana...I thought the banana was chasing me...but when I turned around to look I figured out that he was actually being chased by a big monkey...so I started chasing the monkey...we all ran around in a big circle chasing each other all night long...finally after a long time I woke up.

Moral of the story...Don't eat cheese fries right before bed. It gives you weird dreams!

* I found more poison ivy at church. I ran and hid in my office.

* Isn't it weird how if you take half of the number 1 and then take half of that number and continue doing that for eternity you will never get to 0?

It's mind boggling!

* I'm fixin to eat some french toast sticks for dinner. Thank you for reading today's post.

* I was thinking about people with the worst jobs in the world. I came to the conclusion that it would have to be the guy who has to clean out the port-a-pottys. Probably his worst day ever would be cleaning out the port-a-potty after the annual Chili and Burrito Festival.

* Sunday afternoon is a little time I like to call nap time. Why it was just the other day that I....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (someone please come pull the covers up over me, thanks.)

* Why does the lady at Supercuts have to talk to me about the weather for my full hair cut? We can both clearly see that it's hot outside. If I wanted the weather forecast too I would have had Dave Freeman cut my hair...at least then he'd be clear, acurate, and to the point.

* What is the deal with the stupid e-props thing? It's moronic, stupid, idiotic, retarded, and furthermore, it's really dumb.

Monday, June 26, 2006

It's been a while since I had interviewed anyone so I was a little nervous when I got the call from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's secretary giving the Ok for the talk. My past interviews with Bono, Michael Moore, and Cindy Sheehan were amateurish at best. But nonetheless I decided to suck it up and go a round with one of the biggest tyrants in the news.After the secretary put me on hold there was a fifteen minute wait. Suddenly a heavily accented voice in slightly broken English picked up.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Good afternoon, Iran, this is Mahmoud, How are you?

TLAT: Mr. Ahmadinejad, I'm Aaron from The Life And Times, I'm good, and yourself?

MA: Awesome, how are you today?

TLAT: Good

MA: I'm good too.

TLAT: Good.

MA: Awesome.

TLAT: Sweet. First off what shall I call you during our discussion?

MA: Call me sir of course!

TLAT: You got it big guy!

MA: Sweet!

TLAT: Ok, Are you a maniacal tyrant that is playing around with nuclear weapons?

MA: Well that seems to be the wrap against me but I'm not so sure that it holds that much water. I mean I am a crazy maniacal tyrant...Yes. And I am playing around with nuclear weapons...Yes. But can you really connect the two?

TLAT: Well people are less apt to trust you with nuclear weapons when you have a history of trying to wipe other countries off the map.

MA: I see your point but I still don't see what all of that has to do with me. I'm a simpleton; a small president with a heart for the people. And I categorically reject the lie that I have ever shown a desire to wipe any country off the map.

TLAT: Sir, just recently you did just that with Israel.

MA: Lies! I said I wanted to push the Jews into the sea. The country itself will still be there but we just want to use it for storage.

TLAT: I see what you mean, the wording is totally different.

MA: See.

TLAT: I do see.

MA: And furthermore I detest your claim that I shot that guy last year for defecting from Iran.

TLAT: Sir I never said anything about shooting a guy.

MA: Well you said it without words. I could tell what you were getting at?

TLAT: Huh?

MA: By the way can you tell me who won your countries contest that is called American idol?

TLAT: Yeah, it was Taylor Hicks.

MA: Well Sweet death to America! He was my pick from the beginning. I had Soul Patrol t-shirts made for all of my staff. It warms my heart to see the gray haired infidel win.

TLAT: So you enjoy American television?

MA: Death to American television!! No, but who can resist that show? I mean it's way better than Iran Idol.

TLAT: Who won that one?

MA: Some guy name Mohammed of course.

TLAT: Of course.

MA: Half of us over here are named Mohammed. It's insane. But really it's no different than your country where half the kids born are either Cooper or Jaden.

TLAT: Good point. So what song did the winner of Iran Idol pick as their first single?

MA: Oh, It's a good one... it's called 'I Love Your Jihad Baby'. It's all they play on the radio here.

TLAT: Ok, Do you plan to nuke Israel?

MA: Oh, maybe I will, maybe I won't, but one thing for sure is I probably will.

TLAT: So you will nuke Israel?

MA: I won't nuke Israel, unless I do nuke Israel...let's put it that way.

TLAT: I see....I think. So are you glad that Saddam was taken out of power in Iraq? Does it benefit or hurt you?

MA: Heck yeah I'm glad, that guy was a jerk wad.

TLAT: You know for a guy living in the middle of the desert over in Arab land you sure seem to have American sounding sayings.

MA: We talk how we want around here. Some punk gets all up in your face and you got to represent, because streets is watching...word?

Saturday, June 24, 2006

* The grossest thing about playing basketball with a bunch of guys is not knowing whether the sweat all over you is your own or everyone elses.

* I find it very disturbing that my main talent is doing a perfect imitation of a cricket. How can I use that talent to get ahead in life? I suppose I could make a cd of cricket sounds and sell it to fishermen who could play it from their boat to lure fish closer. Or perhaps I could do the sound effects for a broadway play. Nah, mainly I just use it to impress girls.

* After I mowed the lawn tonight at church, I realized that I swallowed enough grass to make a salad. Next time I'm bringing some ranch dressing to squirt in my mouth while I drive around on the mower.

* Have any of you had a Quik Trip hot dog lately? Man, are they good! It's like the poor man's gourmet meal... Oh who am I kidding, I am sooo white trash!

* I kick cats.

* How come when men get old they start wearing their pants higher and higher up on their waist? You know it's getting bad when your belt on your pants hurts you because it's digging into your nipple.

* I didn't use to sweat...Now I take one step outside in the heat and it looks like I've been jump roping in the attic all day. About 3 minutes later my deodarent gives out under the pressure. It's a sad state of affairs. But it's good for me.

* Would you rather be able to sharpen pencils in your nose, or have a belly button that despenses ketchup?

* There are 3 things that our country needs to do....

1. Make daylight savings time permanent year round.

2. Get rid of the current, bloated tax system and adopt the simple, fair, and economy boosting flat tax.

3. Bush should appoint Evangaline Lily to be secretary of the department of hotness.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

* If I was stranded on a lost island and I only had 3 food choices to eat for the rest of my life they would be, hamburgers, tacos, and broccoli cassarole. Although I would miss bananas and and grape juice. Oh and peanut butter..I'd definetly miss that. And the point of this whole post is....I'm hungry.

* Lately I have had such disdain for hollywood. Not even really because of their political leanings. I have disdain for how the hollywood stars act in their private life. It makes me leary of going and seeing their movies in the theatre. The fact that a movie now costs 8 dollars doesn't help. I have never been a big movie guy. I just don't enjoy sitting for 2 hours looking at a big screen unless the movie is gonna be super good. Of course there are classic movies, the ones that have stood the test of time. I like those. But other than that movies don't impress me much. Also, I don't care who Tom Cruise is dating, what kind of deodarent Lindsey Lohan uses, or which man Julia Roberts happens to be married to this week.

* The George Foreman Grill is the greatest invention since the Pogo Ball.

* Tornadoes are long and they spin around and take up stuff with them. Most scholars believe that if you ever look up into the middle of a tornado you can see your future. If you ever get trapped inside a tornado just start flapping your arms like a bird....that way people think you are at least trying to get out of there and aren't just giving up and stuff.

* Nothing of importance happened on this day....yet

* Did everyone know that I can't belch? It's true, I cannot belch. I never have been able to. I can make these little tiny burps but they aren't like the big ones. I asked my doctor about it and he just laughed at me. If one of you could teach me to burp, I'd give you a dollar. I must be some sort of circus freak.

* I just want to warn everyone to never get hoodwinked, bamboozled, or run amok....what!

* If you ever go to Taco Bell and get a taco salad. DO NOT get another taco along with it. Because the taco salad will fill you up big time, and then when you go for the extra taco...it will kill you. Your stomach will explode! You have been fore-warned.

* I've been sleeping so much lately that some of my dreams are reruns.

* You see the craziest stuff while sitting at Starbucks at 1 am. You see drunk guys getting busted by the cops for drag racing on Rock Rd., just one right after the other. You see people getting too loud and thinking that they own the place. You see all nationalities coming together to drink coffee and talk about junk, mostly those of the Asian persuasion. The whole experience is an odd combination of drunken frat boys and over-caffinated geeks. And me, I just go cause Elima-date is a rerun that night.

Monday, June 19, 2006

* My favorite room in my house is my bathroom. I get to get clean, use the restroom, shave, and it has the best guitar acoustics ever. I can soak my feet in the bathtub while playing Stairway To Heaven.

* It rained so hard today that I saw a midget cross Oliver street in a kayak. What a sight it was!

* Your momma is so fat that when I accused her of being fat to her face she didn't deny it. Booyah!

* I have Poison Ivy. And guess what, It has spread to my eye, my neck, my arms, and yes even my foot. I'll pay any one of you 8 dollars to come scratch my face with a board with a nail in the end of it...thank you.......very much!

* I woke up this morning and my eye was swollen shut. I looked like I had just gotten into a fight with Mike Tyson and lost. I chose not to go to the doctor but I will on Monday if it isn't any better. It's all from this posion ivy. Posion ivy is evil and I want to punch it. Whoa...nevermind punching posion ivy will just make it worse for me..don't touch it. Instead I will spray it with stuff that kills it. People, if you see the evil ivy...RUN! Don't try and be the big hero and wrestle with it like I did..It will win every time.

* Day 3 of eye explosion 2005.

* Day 5 of poison eye-vee. It's starting to clear up a little. The doctor told me I should opt for the shot. But I don't want to pay to get a shot when the rash is fixin to clear up on its own. I'm never going outside again...I'm going to baracade myself in my apartment and have Kraft send me macaroni and cheese through a shoot and into my kitchen.

* I finally got rid of the worst part of poison ivy-fest 2005. I still am itching like a crack addict. I get home from work around 6 and scratch until I go to bed at 2 am. By the way, the offer still stands...anyone can come get 8 dollars for scratching me with a resty nail in a splintered board. Do you take trevelers cheques?

* What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a democrat?

.....a vacuum cleaner you have plug in before it starts to suck.

* If you can avoid it, don't ever go to the tag office. The Kansas Tag office is the next worst thing to the DMV. Bring a newspaper or a full length novel cause you will be there for a fortnight. Better yet, go buy a Mp3 player like I did, everyone else was bored but not me because I was listening to some Air Supply.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

These are things I wish someone had told me on my first day of middle school...

* Beat up some random kid the first day. This shows bullies that even though you are a wussy looking kid, at least you are crazy.

* Always have a dollar in your pocket in case it's square pizza day in the cafeteria.

* This is your first experience with having a locker, don't make the same mistake I did and have a Saved By The Bell locker mirror, this draws bullies like you wouldn't believe.

* During math class, don't be the kid that raises your hand to answer the question first, this too draws bullies, plus it shows them that not only do you need a beating but you will do their homework in place of them beating you up.

* If a bully threatens to beat you up if you don't do his homework, beat up a random kid that is walking by...again this confirms that you are at least crazy.

* Guys, stare straight ahead at the urinal. This isn't a good time to have wandering eyes. Keep your eyes on your own work.

* Stay away from the basketball court at recess, that's where stuff happens that you want no part of.

* Do not fall asleep in class with your mouth open...You WILL wake up with a mouth full of foreign objects.

* If there is a fight in the hall, run towards it. Never be the kid that runs to tell an adult. Act upset when the fight gets broken up. This shows bullies that you aren't scared of a scuffle.

* Stay away from the "hot" girl at school. She is merely in training for a lifetime of ripping out boy's hearts and stomping on them.

Heed my advice. Actually nevermind, do your best to get homeschooled and avoid middle school all together.

Friday, June 16, 2006

This stuff was originally on my Xanga. I am going to slowly transfer it over to here. Basically it's just me saying stupid stuff. You'll love it... Or will you. I'll do ten at a time. You'll notice at first they were more observational and then just started to get dumb. Here goes...

* I'm up at 7:00 am on Sunday morning. I have to do this every Sunday so you'd think I'd be used to it. You'd be wrong. I better go have the first Diet Coke of the day. It's the nectar of life you know

* Awesome storm last night. I was a little leary of the lightning but it was still quite a light show and I had ping pong ball size hail hitting my apartment for a good 15 minutes. I love it. I put one of the hail stones in the freezer....free ice for my drink! Or not.

* Ok, I am actually enjoying walking the 2 mile distance to work everyday. I'm actually getting a tan. It's odd because my pasty white, mayonaise-sandwich-eatin'-cracker skin isn't use to all of this sun. The bad part is that I'm getting more freckles than usual.

* Subway are the biggest liars. Giving the choice of toasted or untoasted does not double the menu. That's like ordering a pizza without cheese and claiming it's a whole new menu item. Bunch of weirdos over there at Subway. And Jared is guilty by association!

* It's 2:30 am. So I'm going to bed. I hope I have that dream again where I am king of the mushroom people!

* Hamburgers taste so much better when they are free!

* Friday is not my favorite day of the week. Saturday is probably my least favorite. The way my job works, the weekends are the worst. So I say let's give Mondays a new chance to be good again. I think we underrate Mondays. Now Wednesday...that is one overrated day. We should drag Wednesday into an alley and beat it within an inch of its life! I'll go get a sledge hammer.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I have a cold so I decided to try some Breath Right strips.(You know those bands that fit over your nose and pull open your nostrils and help you breathe.) Well I'm sure you can see where this is going.... I get to the store and ask the clerk if they have the Breath Right strips and he says... "Yeah we do, but sir we don't carry them in triple extra large so I guess you are pretty much out of luck, and at this time I might remind you that air is free these days...geez." So I thought that was pretty rude. That's the last time I shop at Wal-Greens!

I can't get enough of this CD. And when I call it a guilty pleasure it's because the content of previous Tool CD's contain some very sick stuff. But the music is incredible. The time signatures are off the hook. I have no idea how they can change time signatures so many different ways and times in their songs. I think they are the modern day version of Rush. I have nothing else really to say about Tool except that I hate their past attempts at mocking Christianity. I hate their brand of liberalism. But the music is amazing. That's why it's a guilty pleasure for me. Granted, they have toned down the blatant hatred towards Christians, but it still makes me cringe a bit when I enjoy their music.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Here's how it goes. The alarm goes off at 7:00 am. I crawl into the shower and by 8 a.m. I walk into the Oreck Showroom. I work, and work, and work and before you know it, it's 6 p.m. or sometimes even 7 p.m. I go home and eat dinner and watch a little bit of TV and then it's right to bed around 10. I don't even know what day of the week it is usually.That's right 10 hours straight every day 6 days a week. Granted starting a week from Monday I get one extra day off a week, but that seems like years away. In a way it's good for me. It forces me to grow as a person, learn to work with people, and I get to work with my hands which is something I love to do.In another way I would love to have more free time.

Maybe I should be on a gameshow and try to win a fortune so I never have to work again. Do you think Card Sharks is still accepting new contestants?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the queen of right wing venom...

-- Said today -- 'BEFORE [Hillary Clinton starts] CRITICIZING OTHERS FOR BEING 'MEAN' TO WOMEN, PERHAPS HILLARY SHOULD TALK TO HER HUSBAND WHO WAS ACCUSED OF RAPE BY JUANITA BROADDRICK AND WAS GROPING KATHLEEN WILLEY AT THE VERY MOMENT WILLEY'S HUSBAND WAS COMMITTING SUICIDE.'

-- "There are a lot of bad republicans; there are no good democrats."

-- "Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the President."

-- "Usually the nonsense liberals spout is kind of cute, but in wartime their instinctive idiocy is life-threatening."

I started my job today at The Oreck Showroom Store. I put in 11 hours and I am so tired that I could kill a cat just so I could stuff it and use it as a pillow. Top it off with the fact that I have a cold that could be in the Guiness Book Of World Records as the world's worst ever cold. I can barely talk. My nose is running like a faucet and my throat is on fire. If I find the man that gave me this cold, I'm gonna give him such a scolding.

By the way,Are your vacuum cleaner needs being met? Have I got a deal for you!

Monday, June 05, 2006

I am positive that some Christians have put too much stock in the hype about tomorrow's date. I actually heard some Christians in the news speculating that tomorrow might trigger the beginning of end of the world. That is silly. For one thing the date is actually 6/6/2006 or 6/6/06. I don't recall the verse in God's Word that says the real mark of the beast is 6606. The only problem we will have on that date is humans speculating that anything that does happen tomorrow will be a result of the date itself. Tragedy happens everyday in America and the world. Tomorrow is Tuesday, June 6, 2006, no different than any other day. But as a precaution I would suggest we all wear our foil hats tomorrow!

I have been blessed with plenty of nose. I used to hate it but it doesn't bother me now. At one point I had considered getting a nose job. I just wanted to check into it. I went to the surgeon and as soon as I walked into his office he yelled, "Oh my word, I'm a plastic surgeon, not a structural engineer." I thought that was pretty rude.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

I tried the big Mentos and Diet Coke experiment that is sweeping the nation. You know, it's the one where you drop Mentos into a 2 liter of Diet Coke and watch it erupt. Well I think I used one too many Mentos because I got in way over my head. The camera was rolling...

Thursday, June 01, 2006

1. Even though everyone does it, you still look like a total moron if you sit in the audience with a home made shirt made out of iron-on letters that says something stupid like "I grew up watching Bob."

2. It's so obvious when they are giving away the car. It's obvious by the way Bob announces the prize. If he starts off slow like this.."Tammy....we'd love....to see you........drive away in THIS!" Then just by the slow speech it's clear you get a shot at the car.But...If he just says it super fast like, "Here's what you could win..." then it's almost always something lame like a baby crib and a year's supply of Yoo Hoo. Even if you win, you lose because you have to find a way to get the crib in the back of your car to get it home and Yoo Hoo is actually just chocolate flavored water.

3. Bob gets furious when you take more than 10 seconds to give your bid.

4. This is the hi-tech computer age where we have made major advances in wireless sound equipment, yet Bob continues to use a 3 foot long stick microphone with an 800 foot cord attached to the end. I think he at least needs one of those hands free head mics like Britney Spears uses when she lip syncs her concerts.

5. Always pass on the first showcase. The second one is the one that has the wave runner!

6. You can give shout outs to your family, but not until you spin the big wheel first. Bob hates it when you try to give props to your homies right off the get go.

7. Contestants not appearing on stage get horrible prizes. Usually it's a "supply" of some laxative or something. They never specify how much a "supply" is. I'm guessing two small tubes of Metamucil.

No more PIR for me...I start a real world job on Monday. So long young adulthood and hello grown up land.