Sex, Love and Relationships

Q&A: Frustrated By Long Blowjob With A Virgin

Posted August 18, 2008

QUESTION: I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. I am his first girlfriend and he's never had sex before. He hasn't been able to reach an orgasm from a hand job, so I find a blow job the only way of pleasing him. However, it still takes him a while – sometimes nearly 45 minutes. He says that I'm not doing anything to cause him pain or discomfort and that he gets close but then it just starts to feel "different". Is there anything that I can do or avoid doing to try to help him? At first I thought he was just nervous and I tried to get him to relax, but now I am starting to get a little frustrated.

Although we commonly seem to accept the fact that many women find that it is difficult, or takes a long time, to have an orgasm, many people are often surprised to find out that many men find it difficult to ejaculate or have an orgasm as well.

Sometimes men find it difficult to reach orgasm in very specific situations, like if they worry that someone will walk in on them or hear them having sex. Other times, men find it difficult to orgasm from certain types of sex acts, such as hand stimulation, oral sex, vaginal intercourse, or anal sex.

Talking To Your Boyfriend

If this is an issue that you and your boyfriend can talk to each other comfortable and with care and respect for each other, you might consider asking him whether he is able to reach orgasm during masturbation. If he is able to do so, then you may have a starting place.

You might be able to ask him if he would feel comfortable masturbating in front of you either while you watch or while you kiss him, or while you do something else that you both would find enjoyable or arousing. You might be able to learn how it is that he masturbates, and then try a similar style of hand stimulation yourself.

Sometimes men who have difficulty masturbating from hand or oral stimulation from a partner simply have developed a very effective, but often specific, technique that works for them, and they may find it difficult to communicate that to a partner.

With time and practice, he may be able to learn to reach orgasm from different types of stimulation. To do this, he may want to start masturbating in different ways – with and without lubrication, with varying hand positions, or other strategies, such as rubbing against his bed or pillows. That is – only if he wants to learn to expand his repertoire.

Focus Less On Orgasm

You might also try to relax and focus less on his orgasm as a goal, and instead place importance on pleasure, intimacy and connection. Focusing too much on trying to get him to have an orgasm may feel like pressure to him, or may make him aware of the fact that it takes him a while to have an orgasm, and that pressure or anxiety can make it even more difficult to orgasm.

Dr. Debby Herbenick (M.P.H., Ph.D.) is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and author of several books including Sex Made Easy and Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.More posts by this author »