Hoo boy. Let’s talk about me for a minute, to start off “Vulture Culture” from the Alan Parsons Project. What a way to kick off the football plot by observing teenagers illegally (the barricade was stolen, c’mon) kneeling in the street, attempting to imitate Arp. Well, do you go to Sherwin Williams and get those gloppy horse-bristly paintbrushes to do justice to Monet or Matisse? Right, you’re getting the idea. You simply block off a street, running the risk of rush-hour traffic and display your neo-Abstractionist-post-Georgian-Greco-Iberian-pre-Hungarian-Impressionist-Italian-Romanitic-Movement-Deutshcheklassischezeit-Sino-Vedic-Paint-by-Numbers side of you with the right tools. No Crayolas on this project, nosirrreee.

What this has to do with football is still a matter. Has anyone SEEN a football so far? We’ve seen more paintbrushes. Maybe they oughta hock more barriers and line ’em up around the football field. They might run away with the Conference championship, all due to stolen merchandise.

Off same album mentioned above

Somebody out there

Wasting my time

Somebody out there

Comm-itt-ing a crime

If it wins the bacon

It was worth every dime

For somebody out there

Gil playing the strange-sounding xylophone on the song, reported to be Mimi’s spice jars.

And, gang, I’m having a REAL problem with DOWNTOWN MILFORD. Like the Empire State Building is next to Milford High School. And Wall Street is down the pipe from The Pail. Is the Brooklyn Bridge catacorner to WDIG Studio?

I hear the song from The Church, off “Gold Afternoon Fix”, “…back in Metropolis, where nothing can ever topple us…” Ummmmmm, no.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlarks Trounce Oakwood, 63-0, for the Crown!!!!!!!!!”

Headline on p.17

“Milford Highway Department Investigating Rash of Stolen Equipment”

HIS BOY ELROY

JANE HIS WIFE

“Next, stay tuned as Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw dukes it out with The Wild One and his motorcycle gang as they make a pit stop in Milford. Watch as he confronts the leader and starts a conflagration when he asks the leader how he eventually wound up as The Godfather. Will they burn down the Mudlark gym and ruin Homecoming? Find out only on WDIG-TV.”

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw pulls over a motorcycle with Harley-Davidson logos all over the jacket. Only a Christmas tree is decorated more.

“May I see your driver’s license?”

The driver takes off helmet.

“Dr. Pearl, I caught you going 75 in a 25MPH school zone. You’re aware that you’re not to tear down here even when children AREN’T present?”

“Sure.”

“Any reason why you did it?”

“I’m sorry, I was in the bathroom when the Wild One and his Gang left the Milford Waffle House and I was trying to catch up with them so I could get in free at the Milford/Oakwood football game via Wild One punching in the ticket-taker’s face (“I hate ticket windows, especially at Milford”). We wanted to get front row seats and early dibs on the Junior Mints, Laffee-Taffee, Lemonheads, stale Jiffy-Pop Popcorn and Chuckles at the concession stand. The Wild One promised he’d dump the Cotton Candy man in the garbage can right in front of my eyes. He’s my hero.”

“Where’s your husband?”

“He went to visit his 99-year-old mom in a nursing home in another state. Just thought I’d drag my old apparel from my ’20’s when I was dating The Wild One back in ’54. School separated us and he changed his name to Don Corleone. Reliving old times.”

_____________________________________________

“About to wrap this up. I just gave her a warning and sent her to Defensive Driving classes for a couple of Saturdays. Told her to watch her speed and I’d let her expired tag go if I could get The Wild One’s autograph, when he was done pushing around Gil and Kaz, of course.”

If ya held out for more money as a star QB for yore NFL team becuz ya wanted Milford Towing & Hauling rollbacks to have exclusive rights ta luggin’ yore pick-up truck when it breaks down on some rural route that only combines drag race on and/or kin be easily identified by Mr. Green Jeans on the GPS, ya might be a redneck.

Big shout-out to Freddy Johnson of Middletown, Kentucky. Your smile is contagious and you always stay in the fight as you go to your classes and fellowship at Fern Creek/Highview United Ministries, Inc. in Fern Creek, Kentucky. I can tell that you enjoy going and it is paying off as you look better every time I see you. Spike Lee was right. Do The Right Thing. You have chosen to do just that, My Man. Gang, the next time you see Freddy, treat him with respect. He’s earned it.

Oooooooooookkkkkkk, it’s time for Match Game 2018 (didn’t you old-timers like that funky bass when they played the theme song or when the celebrities were filling out their answers with that giant Magic Marker?) and you know what that means. Gene Rayburn is steppin’ to the mike, ready to rock. You got the floor, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW DUMB WAS SHE????), she thought if she pulled Tiki’s ____________, his car would fire up.

And the Batmobile makes a return appearance in P2 as crime-fighting works up an appetite. Batman and Robin, when they’re not hobnobbing with the teenagers to promote good will between Gotham City High School (The Appleknockers) and the Mudlarks, they’re chowing down on the Triple Bucket Cheeseburger with Buffalo Bucket Fries and cole slaw. The Liver Cheeseburger causes constipation problems with Batman and he ran out of anti-digestive-system-blocking Bat Flatulator. Not that what they’re eating might not cause problems once they re-enter the Bat Cave (Aunt Harriett: “Alfred, what is that AWFUL smell?” “Oh, nothing, madam, I just fed the kitty a bit too much Tender Vittles”). Anyway, you can’t have the opposite problem, an empty stomach. Nope, can’t fight The Joker and his technicalities when their stomach’s growling.

Welllll, I’m playing football

In a cracked sedan

And I’m throwing incomplete

The piston’s blowing

And the offense stalling

Mired in chewed-through bucket seats

A bad vehicle, Baby

With a lame-ass quarterback

A bad vehicle, Baby

Right down to my 8-track

We don’t

LOVE IT (love it)

NEED IT (need it)

WANT IT (want it)

CRAVE IT (crave it)

Thank God in Heaven the car’s in Gil’s back yard.

Then there’s Lisa Shaffer of Jeffersonville, Indiana. Your respect for people is evident and I can tell you’ve done A LOT for other people. We had a great conversation yesterday as you helped me sort out a lot of problems that were piling up by the minute. That’s how the world goes’ round, gang. Lisa, you’ve made this life better with your kind heart and compassion and I salute you. Don’t ever change. We still need you.

“Ah, Peaches, ya gotta hand it to me. I managed to sneak this bus into Mudlark Lake Resort and nobody’s coming to this trailhead anytime soon. Only people who hiked the Appalachian Trail dare come up here and hike Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trail. And as long as we’re on a roll, let’s do it Nature’s Way.”

“Oh, Marty, I LOVE how you talk dirty.”

“I even covered the videocam with this Cracker Jack box I found on the ground. They’ll never find us. Plus, I am helping the environment in more ways than one.”

“Oh, Nature Boy, save me from extinction.”

Marty drops his pants.

Nature Boy went to sleep with wood, with apologies to ZZ Top.

“Marty, there’s something else they’ll never find. In fact, they’ll have to send out a search party on this one.”

“Peaches, let me tell you ’bout the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and this thing called love.”

“Marty, you need to buy some Raid, there’s so many roaches in your nest. The facts of life were overrun by bugs at Little Big Horn.”

“Peaches, I’m going to the cell block next to Mr. Bader if they catch me with this contraption. I’m still trying to find a way to sneak it past the security guard. Now’s not the time to pick my brains like this.”

“I’d rather pick that than the dead tulip between your legs. If we get caught by the Mudlark Ranger, I’m not going to tell him how much I was enjoying myself. I don’t want to get an extra citation tacked on my record for perjury.”

“Oh, great, not only am I a fugitive from the law but we’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere where I could get eaten by a cougar or a bear.”

“At least they’d put you out of your misery with that lifeless appendage attached to you. I wouldn’t go outside. You might get dragged down by the flat tire.”

“Watch me.”

A few minutes later

Peaches hears OMIGOD!!!!!!!!! somewhere in the vicinity of the Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trailhead sign-in sheet mounted on a stand made from a catalpa tree.

She hears running that sounds desperate and indeed dragging as Marty FINALLY makes it back to hocked vehicle.

“What happened, Nature Boy?”

“PEACHES, I SAW A BEAR AND IT WAS GONNA EAT ME. PLEASE LET ME FALL INTO YOUR LOVING ARMS AND LET’S SPEND THE REST OF THE NIGHT AWAY IN BLISSFUL UNION EVEN IF YOU’RE CARRYING THE LOAD!!!!!!!!!!”

Peaches can’t withstand the blubbering that is profusely gushing out of Marty at one end that she wishes was gushing out the other end and is prepared to do her duty as a woman.

Until she sees a skunk running across the parking area.

“Face it, men. I was in a no-win situation. Having to bribe the maintenance man to take the mini-bus back and sneak it behind the auxiliary parking lot just cleaned my wallet. I could have spent that money at the Milford Men’s Clinic and still be able to find a way to smuggle it back without the extra luggage of no Peaches for the rest of the weekend. Watching her speed off to her mother was not a sight to see. Save yourself the trouble and come to the Milford Men’s Clinic today. They’ll restore your sex life better than the birds and the bees can do. And you don’t have to get directions to the Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trail to get satisfaction to boot. I know I’d like to leave my hiking boots at home when I’m with Peaches. Check ’em out today.”

Shout-out to Michelle Erhard and William Trice(had to squeeze this one in, gang). You have shown wisdom and courage in your more-than-victorious battle with alcohol. The fact that you crusade against people who choose to let alcohol rule their lives has my blessing. Gang, pray for these people and give them the respect and love they need. Everybody needs a cavalry behind them and they’re no exceptions. They deserve one and then some. God Bless you both.

Gang, it’s your turn. Just no Picasso on the streets, please, if you help our friends. “The 3 Musicians might be out of place on Main Street (yes, I know it’s a SIDE STREET but don’t ruin the joke).

That MST3K plate gets around. Chip Visci once had it, but most recently it adorned the Jeep Compass of the late Addison “Boo” Radley. You’d think that would’ve put a curse on it, much like the pieces of James Dean’s “Little Bastard” Porsche 550 Spyder. Maybe MST3K is a desirable plate and got auctioned off for big bucks which, despite all the Midwestern cues, might lead one to believe that this is the Milford in Delaware.

Gang, great job on the comments. Y’all done good. It would be an injustice to single out anybody because they were all hilarious. And I honestly tried to single out somebody but then somebody ELSE matched that and so forth and so on. You people make this damn thing work and why crucifying Gil is done by the best in the business. Let’s fry him again today (Does this sound self-serving? GOOD (ha).) Keep Democracy and Free Speech alive, gang.