Monday, October 5, 2015

So here it is, my little update plus a little tidbit of what I have been thinking about lately. The kids are doing so well. They are just so wonderful and fun and smart and lively. Liam's witty comments are never ending. Today he tried to throw a piece of trash out the window and I told him he couldn't because it was littering. He then wanted an explanation of what littering was and why it was bad. That then led to a long explanation about the law, and police, and the different ways to break the law and so on an so fourth. I then tried to weave in some gospel (you know, like a good mom ;) ) and tell him how we don't want to break God's law but we do because that is called sin and again so on and so forth. After many more questions and then a long pause he says "mommy I won't do it now, but when I am older I WILL break the law." (SIGH) I tried.The night before he also said to me as I was walking out of his room, in a very sassy tone. "Mama, get me some water and crack." (Crack, I later surmised meant leave the door cracked). We are trying to drop the precious "babi" use which is pretty hard and I can tell is really throwing him off. Being a big boy can be rough!Grayson is still Grayson. He is either 100% smiles or 100% screaming his head off. Hates, and I mean HATES with a burning passion, having his diaper changed! But he is crawling and cooing and just the sweetest little guy. Im just smitten with him. Now for what I have been thinking about lately. This whole rant I'm about to go on will sound a lot better if you put the song "Oceans" by Hillsong on in the background while you read it. You will understand why in a moment.

Alright you have it on? Ok....go....

I have realized that I am pretty good at psycho analyzing myself and pretty much everyone around me. This can be a gift and a major pain. The problem with being perceptive is sometimes I over perceive to the point where I am so caught up in anxious fearful thinking it over takes me. I have struggled with anxiety maybe my whole life. There have been times where it has been better and times when it has been worse. There have been times when I had good reason to be anxious and there where times where I didn't but still was. I have read so many books and talked to so many people and at times it has been very edifying. But a lot of times its just a way to temporarily subdue my fears and distract myself. I have wrestled much with the source of this anxiety and fought against some suggestions and fell into others. Some where true, some not. But I am coming back around to something I had once known to be the main problem but now see in a different way. A lot of times extreme circumstances where I had good reason to be very anxious just became a distraction from what really is the main issue. And this main issue is always most evident to me not in times of struggle but in times of peace.

Trust. I dont trust God like I should. Now who really does would you say? We could all trust God more I guess. But I am talking about something different. Im talking about misplaced trust. Putting hopes in things that we aren't meant to stake our peace on. And because of this we are incredibly anxious people. And the anxiety is really self preservation. We are worried about things that affect us directly. Will hurt us directly.

Now I have been told so much that pain is unavoidable. True. But how the hell does hearing that help? Of course bad things are going to happen, I know that better than most. But focus on that fact just makes it all worse. Then your eyes are on the pain. I have also been told that God is in control. Also True. And that God is sovereign and working all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. Of course I know that to be true. But knowing that never helped me to trust. It just made me feel distant from God because then all I could think was that God was heartless. And of course I knew God wasn't heartless but I didn't feel like he cared about my pain. It just made God feel distant and cold. And I began to feel hardened to that type of talk. Ok God fine, Ill just be fine with things like death, and brokenness because apparently they will be good for me because they will make me closer to you??.... (I am not saying this isn't true Im just saying for me, maybe because Im stubborn, it only served to make me feel more despairing)

What then are we suppose to do? Well I will tell you I have concluded that there is no other choice but to put trust in God. There simply is nothing else. But how does this look?

Now I am still hashing this out and largely stealing this form a Rick Warren Sermon I just listened to but...

A friend told me just yesterday, that it was time to man up. Stop analyzing, stop working out everything else first, just walk up to the cliff and jump. Say it, scream it, breath it "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." Not into your hands I commit my kids, my marriage, my health. I commit my spirit. Thats my life. That's if I die I commit to you my spirit, for eternity. If I have entrusted my eternal spirit to Him can I not entrust those other things??!

Now how to do this? How to jump? Lift up your head, focus on Christ and just take one step forward. When Jesus asks Peter to walk out on the water, if Peter looks down at the water he falls. I love the line from this Hillsong lyric

"You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may failAnd there I find You in the mysteryIn oceans deepMy faith will standAnd I will call upon Your nameAnd keep my eyes above the waves"

I have been so focused on the waves that I forgot to look up! I forgot what I was walking toward. I thought I was walking forward but because I was looking down I was zig zagging to and fro being tossed by the waves I was so carefully and obsessively trying to dodge. When we look up, when we set our mind on Christ we move forward in confidence. And this is easy to confuse too. I have spent a lot of time thinking I was focused on Christ; trying to figure out what does God say, what does he want me to do, what does his word say to do, what tidbits can I pull from his word that will help me feel better? But no! Set your mind on God, who He is. He is the Father, Abba, daddy, papa. He is Kind. His hands are big enough to carry you. He is trustworthy. He is gentle.

This analogy that Rick gave really got me. When you are a child and you are afraid at night, where is the safest place in the house? Your parents bed right? Liam does this all the time. And when you are in your parents bed you feel safe and you drift off to sleep. And while you are asleep, your Father, with his strong hands, carries you back to your bed and tucks you in. When you are a child you wake to the feeling of "what! how did I get here!!??" And that is exactly what God does when we trust him. Somehow, when we stop looking down, and we just rest, he safely carries us to where we belong.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine