England’s male team hugely relieved at Lionesses loss

Everyone in the country involved in men’s football has breathed a huge collective sigh of relief, after Laura Bassett’s own goal saw the women’s team knocked out of the World Cup.

Manager Roy Hodgson said “Shit that was close! What a stroke of luck; we would have looked like complete incompetents if the girls had got through to the final – something we haven’t achieved since the early days of the Cold War.

“Um, I mean, what a pity that they’ve been knocked out. We were rooting for them all the way.

“Speaking on behalf of men’s football we were delighted they were showing up our long losing streak. The last thing we wanted them to do was choke.

“No, no, I always smile like this when I’m disappointed. It’s a stress reaction.”

Pundits admitted that the whole male team was similarly pleased. Wayne Rooney’s handler said that the men’s captain had been jubilantly swinging from his tire all morning, beating his chest and merrily spreading faeces in his hair.

Meanwhile across the country fans with penises held their heads up high and made derogatory comments about how it was a men’s game really, and inwardly celebrated the fact that their wives and daughters would no longer try to share in their hobby.

Fan Mike Ock said “It was terrible. The wife wanted to sit and watch it with me, and the worst thing about it was that within less than a week she knew more about the game than I do. It was like my cock had shrunk, and women everywhere were pointing and laughing.”

Women’s captain Steph Houghton said “We were really unlucky, and I feel terrible for Laura. The options now are building on our success, or backsliding into mediocrity and failure.

“Which given how much money and prestige the rubbish men’s team get, we are sorely fucking tempted to do.”