Monday, 30 May 2011

There have been many casualties of the DoJ crackdown in gambling sites in the US which have not made the headlines, dear Melted Felt readers. No no, I’m not talking about pocket 5’s, Supernova Elite chases that were already 200k FPPS behind when the news broke - or the distinct lack of spite in the table chat these days either… I’m thinking of the Durrrr challenge.

Many of you were not even born when the challenge started, with Tom Dwan offering a cool 3/1 that nobody could beat him over 50k hands 4-tabling ultra-high stakes PLO or Holdem… Well, a couple of people did take up the challenge, Antonius first, and by playing one hand every 3 days 25 years went past, the internet was invented, begging railers came and went, Howard Lederer spent more and more hours counting huge piles of lovely money and…. Well, the challenge kind of got dull.

When Jungleman stepped up, we all thought it was going to get exciting again, only for the beer of entertainment to go flat, the cookie of fascination to stop being crunchy and the banana of intrigue to get little black blotches and thinner skin, or something.

*ahem* yes, where were we?

Ah yes, Black Friday came along and *poof* the challenge disappeared from our screens. People speculated whether Dwan might change his name to Fu-Dwanchu and become a resident of Macau – but no, the challenge was gone.

Now it seems a solution has been reached in a similar format to the old rec.poker days, only not using the internet – which is apparently now owned by the FBI.

Chris Ferguson will mail each player a card and one player the button, each will then put their bet or raise amount in an envelope – along with their action, and send it back to Chris. The next to act will then get a letter explaining what happened, the amount bet and will have the opportunity to pen a letter of their own in reply reacting to this. At the end of the hand, Chris will send the winner the pot – along with a half a carrot – send a nice chunk to Mr Lederer for the rake, and post the result to a lamp post at the end of his street, so that the railers can keep count.

Though we are only expecting one hand at a time instead of the usual 4, this new solution is expected to see the challenge finish a lot faster than it would have done had the online option still been available...

Thursday, 26 May 2011

When there is big money at stake, dear Melted Felt readers, you can be sure that someone, somewhere is making a plan to get it. With online poker so suddenly chased out of the US by the DoJ – who better than Nevada to take up the reins and get a process in place to regulate and license online poker operators.

So, with the bill approved and ready to be sent to the senate, we speculate on the extra clauses the big cheeses might have liked to have put into the bills if this had been *ahem* politically correct and their minds as twisted as those of Melted Felt.

Clause (3) 1.1.a – The Sarcasm Clause - The powers behind the new regulatory framework for legal online poker reserve the right to smirk, snigger, chuckle and to sigh, slap their sides while slowly shaking their head whenever Pokerstars, Full Tilt Poker or the Cereus Network are mentioned.

Clause (17) B.5.c - The Sharp Stick Clause – Everyone from the tea-boy upwards in the new organization will have the solemn duty to keep those sites under investigation out of the US market with long sharpened sticks. If they even try to get near, every man, woman and child should endeavour to stick it at ‘em.

Clause (1032.5). – The Catch-22 Clause– Just to teach players a lesson for dealing with these unwashed foreigners, we should make sure we are very vocal about getting cash refunded from the old illegal sites… and at the same time close down the payment processors / eWallets which would enable this to happen.

Clause (5555) 5.55.5 – The How Much Do We Owe The PPA Clause – Good job guys, great that the players actually believed that you were working for them right until the end. Come on over any time, suite? No problem – you are comped the whole way.

Clause (5556) 7.a.c.ii – The Hurry The Fvck Up Before They Forget About It Clause – Quick action is a must, before the geeks all get new hobbies. Incorporating sub-clause (a) Who do we need to pay? and (b) How much?

Clause (6666) 6.iv.c – The Bring A Step Ladder, I Feel The Turtle Knocking Clause – Allowing for a televised spectacular, in which the big money men behind the scenes, ceremonially remove their pants, climb a step-ladder, and sh1t right on the heads of a crowd of confused, miserable, now-unemployed ex-Full Tilt red pros.

Of course, the bill could still be amended yet before it becomes law… so who knows what might end up in it?

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

We have had the pleasure, dear Melted Felt readers, of making posts about cursed poker site Doyle’s Room for some time. Today, it looks like the end is nigh for the site formerly supported by the guy with the big hat, as the US Department of Justice seized their domain – along with a load of other sh1te poker sites and bookmakers URLs too.

Whatever your thoughts about their network moves, nobody would argue that creating more uncertainty in the world of poker is a good thing, though we expect Doyle himself will probably be sleeping a little easier after pulling out just a couple of weeks back.

As a blog that thinks of itself as much as a public service than simply a poker satire blog which used to be funny [Oh fvck, here he goes again – Ed], we wanted to bring you the real human side of this terrible day for online poker.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, both of Doyle’s room’s players will be desperate right now – wondering if they will ever see their poker bankrolls again…

For example months of anguish could be ahead for Jim from Maine, who had $3.36c left of his bankroll after a particularly bad run at the SNGs. Jim was planning on ramping this up to $30 or so, before moving to the $10 level and confessed he would very probably have been challenging Antonius and Hansen at the $500 / $1000 blinds pot limit Omaha tables by the fall… as you can imagine, his world was in ruins.

“There was no warning, nothing”, said Jim, who had logged on only last month and then logged off when he found he was the only player on the entire site. “One minute they are sending me e-mails about reload bonuses, the next they are gone” adding, “I dropped out of college to go pro too, what am I going to tell my folks now?”

Their only other player did not want his name disclosed, as he is a bit of a shark. Known as the yakyakyak network’s premier bumhunter, this guy would sit patiently for days at a time – logged into 30 heads-up tables waiting for a fishy opponent to come his way. He had started to worry that he had not seen a single player for the last 2 weeks, however his sharkscope graph was not looking any worse – so it did not seem to matter. With more than $50 locked up in those $1 and $2 heads-up SNGs this is another real human tragedy – a crippling blow to another guy who would have crushed the game, if only he was any good.

Well, the good news is that there is lots of talk about renewed calls for legislation and legalization of online poker in the US at the moment… just like there has been since winter 2006…

Friday, 20 May 2011

Many of you, dear Melted Felt readers, will be worried that the apocalypse – scheduled for the 21st of May 2011 – comes at a bit of an inconvenient time for those of us planning on enjoying the SCOOP Main Event.

You see, it is there in black and white in an old crowd control fairy-tale which has been mistranslated for centuries – the world is coming to an end on Saturday and there is nothing you can do about it. Well, except pray to some angry sky deity called ‘god’ (the one who helps religious people justify their hate by ‘hating right along with them’) and reflect on the fact that you probably were going to do something great with your life “as soon as…”

According to Harold Camping (pokerstars screen-name = GoddyKGB123) it is all going to start with the biggest fvcking earthquake you ever saw in your life… now that will not be the end itself you understand – only the start of the end. Once society has broken down, all human life will die off over the next few months – though lack of frappachinos, daytime TV talk-shows and, erm, food.

So, what about those of us who qualified for the SCOOP main event (Medium) and were thinking of joining that last Mini-FTOPS tournament too? The end of the world sounds like it could be a little bit, well, inconvenient to say the least.

As a public service blog I took it on myself to contact Pokerstars to address this exact issue.

Apparently, they checked some passages in our very own bible - Sklansky’s ‘Theory Of Poker’ - and have discovered that there is actually a clause in Armageddon based on playing your apocalyptic hand the same way you would if you knew what your opponent’s prophesy was. Based on game theory, optimal bluffing frequency and the fact that your opponent is a fvcking nut job who bluffed Jesus’ return back in ’94 - we should almost certainly have a positive expectation from calling Camping’s all in. Phew.

In the event that the Theory of Poker has been misinterpreted, Pokerstars are planning on making Redemption available through their frequent player point online store – for just 25,000 FPPs you can save your soul (gold star and above only).

Well, I’ll leave my dear readers to go borrow as much money as possible from their hardcore Christian neighbors – after all, they don’t think they’ll be needing it, do they. I’ll look forward to seeing you in the Spring Championship main event… wait…what… what is that rumbling sound??

Monday, 16 May 2011

Doyle’s Room, the poker site that’s had more network hosts that you have had hot dinners, dear Melted Felt readers, has lost its main man. Doyle Brunson, who still stacks internet poker geeks after all these years – has withdrawn his endorsement of the room.

Now the staff at Doyle’s room, along with all 5 players (well, 5 if you include the 2 freeroll whores), are panicking a little – after all there room is named after the poker legend who just told them to stick their contract where the sun don’t shine… and well, as any quick google search might tell you, there just are not that many famous Doyles who might be able to fill the gap.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would have been a candidate, a probably at a discount due to the fact that he is long dead. While the author of the Sherlock Holmes detective books is famous in literary circles – the average online poker player has not actually read a book since Green Eggs And Ham, and probably could not tell you who wrote that one either – meaning that the reference would go right over their heads. Nope, that particular Doyle was out.

After quickly dismissing guitarists, columnists and politicians with the right name. There was some serious consternation in the back office of this online poker site… until an intern came up with the idea of finding a random Doyle and pretending he was famous enough to represent a room – kind of like a modern day Trading Places.

The trailer parks of Northern California were duly searched and a Doyle was located. A genuine type too, down to earth, beer swilling, opinions on sport and cars, big built, bearded, country ic loving, and, well, just someone all-American. Things were going great right up until the contract signing… when the CEO of Doyle’s room accidentally said. 'Pleased to meet you mister…' at which point Doylette started to get really really angry, produced a shotgun and demanded a case of miller light and an apology.

In the end it was the humble secretary at Doyle’s room who came up with the perfect solution. After all Susan Boyle’s 5 minutes of Streislandesque fame was coming to an end round about now… and after all, it would only need the change of 1 little letter.

Thursday, 12 May 2011

This year, dear Melted Felt readers, the powers that be at the World Series of Poker Europe have swapped the hustle and bustle of London for the glamour of the French Riviera. With the WSOPE events held in the exclusive Le Croisette Barrierre Casino (which translates as 'hmmm that is simply a delicious 3-day old cabbage') in the stylish city of Cannes.

Of course, not having had a real victory over the British since, ohhhhh – the year 1066, the nation of Garlic Muching Surrender Monkeys were more than happy to wrestle this exclusive tournament away. In fact the Deoderant-Dodging Onion Crunchers were so thrilled, they renamed each of the tournaments to celebrate, so here it is, the French version of the World Series Of Poker Europe schedule:

Friday October 7th 2011 – Event #1 – The You Fvucking British, Pah, You Have No Fvucking Style, Six Handed No-Limit Holdem, 3 day event, €2680

Saturday October 8th 2011– Event #2 – Leave Now, Or I Will Taunt You For A Second Time, No-Limit Holdem, 5 day event, €1090

Tuesday October 11th 2011 – Event #4 - ** Name Change ** This event was originally called the ‘Shootout’, however after the entire French field kept running away and hiding every time this was announced we decided to change the name to ‘Pain-Free Elimination Of Fellow Players While Respecting Their Dignity”, 3-day event - €3200

Thursday October 13th 2011 – Event #6 – Celebration That Charles DeGaul single handedly liberated France at the end of WW2, while the US and UK had no involvement what so-ever, 6-handed Pot-Limit Omaha – 3 day event, €1620

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Even the million online poker players saying, “I told you so” in unison, as they look through their respective local paper’s “industrial and construction vacancy’ sections for a new source of income, can not be so heartless as not to feel a *slight* pang or two for the plight of once-respected poker pro Joe Sebok, dear Melted Felt readers.

Joe was still busy re-checking whether the word ‘naïve’ had really been taken out of the dictionary when the fateful knock came, and UB delivered him a rather fetching pink slip – his position as UB's ‘Head of not being gay' was terminated, he was no longer the self-deluded ‘Players Champion’, in fact he was now the single most hated man in poker.

Sebok tried to talk them round, offering to put underwear over his pants and become ‘Super-Sebok’, flying to Costa Rica to single handedly man the phones, handle the finance, look after security and run the poker games for the Cereus Network.

Reality dawned, slowly at first.

Those times when Joe had made *ahem* enquiries about the allegedly shady characters behind the scenes – and there were many – they had simply handed him a kitten. “Those little kitties were so cute,” Joe said tomorrow, “though maybe they did make me kind of forget that I came into the offices to ask about Scott Tom’s continued involvement in the business, or whether I just saw Russ Hamilton leaving by the back exit", continuing, “did you see that fellas little paws? Ohhh.”

“I apologize to all of you for not being able to accomplish all I wanted to” Sebok might well continue, “my role was more of a hand puppet than a string puppet, UB were controlling me by sticking their (very well lubricated) lower arm completely up my ass, rather than simply pulling strings from above. Only time will tell whether any of you get your money back, if it is any consolation I also have money in my account which I can not withdraw – I mean, fair enough, it is your money, but still – this is a very very cute little kitten”

Tears started to well in Joe's eyes as he possibly continued, “I’m really not sure what is next for me, none of the other children want to play with me any more – well, except at poker – though the game will be totally unfair from now, what with me not being able to see my opponents hole-cards any more…. Erm, sh1t, I mean, fvck, ahhh - want a kitten?”

We phoned Joes office to find out exactly how many kittens he had been handed over his tenure at UB, only they seemed more interested in whether we could check our dictionaries – just to make sure the word gullible was still in there.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Logic would suggest, dear Melted Felt readers, that every silver lining has a cloud. In the case of what appears to be the imminent demise of the poker network people love to hate – Cereus – there is a definite risk of a hollow and empty existence for those keyboard warriors who have dedicated their entire lives to the active hatred of UB and AP.

Every generation has its issues, and even at the impressive rate of war-mongering the US manages these days, the passions invoked by Vietnam are merely historical artifacts. Instead, pale and pasty sexless bedroom grinders sat for years acting tough as nails in the basement of Mom’s houses all over the world. Trawling through forums, searching through blogs and scrutinizing magazines…

When they found a positive mention of Ultimate Bet, a vaguely worded question about depositing at Absolute Poker, or a naïve celebration of a poker pro associated with one of those sites it was time to PARTYYYYY. The adrenaline rush was intense, fingers shook with the sheer emotion of replying, blood pressure rose sharply while the message was relayed… any argument was slain, highly paid lawyers would not even attempt to undermine arguments so powerful, the bedroom warriors were ready for any attempt to counter them, the UB fans were to be corrected, re-educated and reformed… no positive commentary would be allowed to get through.

Months turned into years, and the keyboard warriors were undeterred, with less than 10% of the current poker playing population actually playing the game back in ’08, a process of education was required. Like monkeys who did not know why they never climbed the pole new warriors were borne, they had a meaning to their lives beyond mouse clicking, they felt part of a family, they felt cool.

With the holding company of these sites now talking about bankruptcy, reality is starting to hit home.

The outlet for all the hate, all the anxiety could be gone – just like that.

No college degree, no online poker to play, no cause to enjoy… clouded for now by the last hurrah, the big high point before the end of the party, one last triumph before the reality returns.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

It is almost as if the most anti-gambling Senator out there just took a drying cycle with up to three separate pieces of Bounce, dear Melted Felt readers, coming out as soft and fluffy as a 4-week old kitten.

Yes, in the U-turn to end all u-turns, Senator Kyl has officially left himself an ‘out’ when it comes to poker… acknowledging that it might have been a skill game after all, should the alleged personal donations from big casinos, erm, *ahem* be large enough to ‘convince’ him of it. While online casino gamblers are still to be thrown to the dogs, online bingo players given jobs as the soap retrievers in the shower rooms of maximum security jails and online bettors are simply to be tied between two pick up trucks and pulled ever-so-slowly to death – poker players might one day see Kyl put pen to paper and sign their pastime into fully legalized, erm, law.

This move is all the more surprising as Kyl was one of the principal movers behind the 2006 UIGEA, which outlawed something or other that nobody has ever been prosecuted for using fantastically vague wording.

Kyl was not quoted as saying, “After careful consideration of the facts, many very rich people believe that poker is a game of skill, and that with adequate protections including checks on underage gambling, problem gamblers and an extremely comfortable retirement for me financed entirely by the big casinos, I may give this a second look”

Specifying that SNG Players would not be included, since this “was not real poker in any way, shape or form and the participants should have their fvcking heads examined – for many years – preferably in a secure institution, while sedated”, Kyl went on to say. “I’m also a little reticent about Pot-Limit-Omaha, all those draws, redraws and so on and so forth, just seems so fvcking un-American to me”

We’ll leave Jon to choose his Caribbean villa, new car and agree terms on that 60-foot motor cruiser… after all, once those big casinos have their poker legislation – their check books might well close.