Mariner Housewife is a chronicle of the ups and downs of your average Mariners devotee: the joy, the anguish, the sputtering rage and disbelief… but primarily the persistent optimism and unbridled loyalty of a genuine fan.

The Aggressively Inoffensive Orioles

What is it about the Orioles that’s just so restful, so pleasant, so relaxing? Oh yes, that’s it, the Orioles are kind of boring. It’s nothing personal, they seem like nice enough fellows. But they don’t exactly exude charisma, do they? They make the Angels look like the cast of Saturday Night Live from 1977. Doesn’t Miguel Tejada play for Baltimore? What’s his story now I wonder? No no, don’t bother telling me, I don’t really care. I was just being polite.

It’s got to be tough being the Orioles- they’re constantly faced with the obnoxious guys that fill out the rosters for New York and Boston. You know, your Schillings, your Farnsworths, your Damons. Loudmouths. How can well-mannered, thoughtful guys like Chris Gomez and Brian Roberts compete with all of that? How does a soft-spoken gentleman like Brandon Fahey or Jon Knott stand out amongst paparazzi magnets like A-Rod and Jeter?

Plus, they’re teensy little things. Watching George Sherrill pitch against Corey Patterson made me nervous- Corey was lucky he got on base, I was afraid George might eat him. Although the look on Corey’s face, right after that double in the eighth, was priceless. He was grinning and saying to himself, “awesome! awesome!” For a second there I almost hoped he might score. Sweet little fella.

Their pitcher reminded me of a guy I knew in high school whose name I could never quite remember. And he looked a little befuddled throughout the whole game, I wanted someone to take him aside and say, hey kiddo, it’s not so bad! Everything’s gonna be ok! Even if that’s not entirely true.

They just make me a little sad. They’re constantly overmatched by the crazy spending sprees in Boston and New York, and sometimes even Toronto, and they end up seeming like a ragtag bunch of guys that were more famous somewhere else. Remember Aubrey Huff? Who knew he was no longer a Devil Ray? I was unaware that Jay Payton was still playing the game, that’s kind of fun for him. And poor Kevin Millar- Mike Blowers mentioned that before last night’s game, he was saying “I’m still an Idiot!”, referring to his old team the Red Sox. Oh, sweetheart. You may be an idiot, but you are no longer in Boston. It’s almost like he’s trying to make us feel sorry for this team. Wait a second…

Ohhhh, I get it now Orioles. You probably think you’re pretty smart, don’t you? You almost had me there for a minute, but I get it. You’re trying to fly under the radar, aren’t you? You think that by staying as low-profile as possible, you can sneak your way into winning. You’re trying to trick the other team into underestimating you with this disarming unobjectionable-ness. Well think again, Orioles! You’ve met your match! Don’t you get it, that’s our whole schtick here in Seattle! Plenty of fans of this team wouldn’t recognize last night’s starting pitcher on the street! Shoot, I live and die with these guys, and even I don’t know who Ryan Rowland-Smith is! Worse than that, you’re using the old Mariner strategy; affable guys with their best years behind them. And trust me, it doesn’t work.

So you better watch out, Baltimore, we’re on to you. You can’t fool us with your nice guy mannerisms and pleasant forgettability. We wrote the book on pleasant and forgettable, only now we’re starting to shed the forgettable part a little. Your little charade isn’t going to work here in Seattle. No hard feelings, okay?