Have you ever struggled with FOMO? Take a look at my recent blog article on goodtherapy.org to see my tips for coping with the fear of missing out: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/grow-through-your-fomo-fear-of-missing-out-0225145

So in honor of National Psychotherapy Day, I ask you to reflect on your ideas about psychotherapy. Have you had direct experience with it? Have you seen media examples of it? Do you have a positive or negative attitude towards psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy has been mysterious and secretive for too long. Let's start a more open conversation. The more we clear barriers that block access, the more people may be able to access psychotherapy as a resource for help.

If your loved
one was recently assaulted, there may be time-sensitive things to do in the
immediate aftermath. While there is not
one “right” way to respond to sexual assault, here are some steps that
survivors often find useful:

Find
safety. Put distance between the victim
and his/her perpetrator. Call the police.

Go to the
nearest hospital to seek medical attention.
Even if the victim doesn’t believe he/she has any injuries, a SART
(Sexual Assault Response Team) exam can be a way to access tests for pregnancy
and sexually transmitted diseases, as well as a way to collect evidence. There is no cost for SART exams, so don’t
worry about financial barriers to these resources. Help your friend preserve any physical
evidence, especially on his/her body. Discourage
your friend from bathing or washing before getting a medical examination. If your friend has changed clothes since the
assault, locate the soiled clothes and bring them with you to the
hospital. This way any evidence will be
collected in a way that maximizes the chances for catching or convicting the
perpetrator.

Call the RAINN
(Rape Abuse & Incest National Network) toll-free hotline at (800) 656 –
HOPE(4673) from your local phone. This
will connect you to the rape crisis center in your area. Many rape crisis centers have available
advocates who will meet you and your loved one at the hospital to walk her
through the process. An advocate can
also provide valuable information about resources that may be available to your
friend.

This is not an exhaustive list, but an informal, informational blog post. There are potential legal and other ramifications of such a serious incident. Contact your local authorities for more information.

For more information on how to support a loved one who has disclosed sexual assault to you, see this post.

In my work
with survivors of sexual abuse, I've seen a common experience: victims feeling hurt and confused after disclosing their trauma to people who had unsupportive reactions. It is clear that survivors would
benefit from loved ones being better equipped to support them through the
recovery process.

Here are
some of my suggestions for how to respond when a loved one discloses that he or
she has experienced sexual abuse:

(This is not a piece about what to do after
someone has been assaulted. If you are in
search of what to do immediately after someone was assaulted, see these tips.)

Believe your friend. The recent
cultural conversation around the idea of “legitimate rape” illustrates how sexual-abuse
victims are often placed in the position of having to prove they’ve been
abused. The scars left after sexual
abuse are not always visible, so this can be an overwhelming task, especially
when someone is already struggling with the other aftereffects of trauma. Sexual assault can be complicated and
murky. Many perpetrators are people that
the victims have known and trusted, and drugs, alcohol, or head injuries can create
fuzzy memories around an assault. Thus,
many survivors are already struggling with self-doubt, self-criticism, guilt,
and shame. Adding your disbelief to the
equation can compound the shame your loved one is already grappling with. Examples of comments and questions that
communicate doubt and disbelief are:

“I know that guy and he’s a really good
guy. I can’t believe he could do
something like that.”

“You don’t seem to have any bruises.”

“Are you sure he heard you say ‘no’?”

Instead of comments like these, be diligent about communicating that you believe your friend and that you see his or her emotional reaction as legitimate.

Interrupt and challenge any urge you have to
judge. You may find yourself
struggling with the task of believing your loved one or taking her seriously. This can lead to judgment. The bottom line is that it absolutely does
not matter what your loved one was wearing, drinking, or doing. It is preposterous to believe that someone
who was drunk, high, flirtatious, or dressed provocatively cannot have been
raped or abused. Yet many listeners have
reactions that display this type of judgment—e.g., because a victim was wearing
a short skirt and drinking at a club, she somehow bears some blame for the
criminal act of another. This judgment can
be extremely destructive for your loved one.

Again, your loved
one is likely already struggling with her own feelings of self-doubt and shame
and may easily pick up on the judgment of others. It is important to be careful about what you
communicate. Some things that can sound
judgmental are:

Direct
blaming (“You shouldn’t have tempted him!”)

Asking “why”
questions (“Why were you there? Why did you listen to him?”)

Implying
that a responsible person would have made different choices (“Did you consider distracting him and leaving
the room?”)

Trying to
impart a lesson (“From now on you should
think twice before having more than two drinks.”) (There may be a time for a lesson, but the
time for that discussion is later.)

Above all,
remember to save your anger and contempt for the appropriate targets: those who perpetrate abuse and the culture
that allows for it.

Have empathy. You care about your loved one. In this time of need, see the humanity in the
person in front of you. She has just
allowed herself to be very vulnerable by sharing this information with you. Even if your loved one has disclosed abuse
from years ago and she has been functioning well as long as you’ve known her, her
pain might feel raw again after talking about it with you. Being attuned to your loved one while still
allowing her to have an emotional reaction can help her know that you are there
for her. This might mean letting her cry
or get angry and still staying present for her.
You don’t have to force her to talk.
Just let her know that you are available when she needs you, and if she
does come to you, listen to her with a kind and compassionate ear.

Empower your loved
one. By nature, sexual assault is
disempowering. If someone’s physical
body is violated, that person can feel like she doesn’t have control over
anything. Don’t add to that process by
imposing your beliefs. Support your
friend, but let her choices be hers. For
example, she should ultimately get to decide whether she goes to the police or
hospital or who gets to know about her abuse.
(This assumes that your loved one is an adult. If your loved one is a minor, there are more
issues at play that are beyond the scope of this post.)

Recognize that there is grief after sexual
assault. Generally, our society is
able to tolerate and respect one kind of grief: loss of a loved one due to death. But there are many losses that can occur in
all of our lives. Some of the losses
that can come with experiencing a sexual assault can be: the loss of feeling
safe, the loss of feeling secure, the loss of certain relationships, the loss
of innocence, the loss of closeness with others, the loss of childhood, the
loss of virginity. Try to give the same
type of care and support that you would give to someone who was recently
bereaved.

Consider connecting
your friend to community resources. Encouraging
your loved one to find a trained therapist and/or other community resources (like
support groups) can give your friend safe spaces to work through her thoughts
and emotions. This can be especially
important if you start to worry that her emotional reaction is veering down an
unhealthy road (for example, she starts to drink heavily or isolate herself
from others).

Recognize your own feelings about what happened. This can be a difficult time for everyone
involved, including you. You may struggle
with your own sadness, anger, distrust, or other emotions. Maybe you know the perpetrator, too. Or maybe you have a conflicted relationship
with your loved one. Get support and be
thoughtful about taking care of yourself–it will be hard for you to be helpful
to your loved one if you are overwhelmed or burned out.

Even if you
are not currently faced with this situation, I encourage you to think now about
how you would respond to a loved one.

What are your thoughts? Have you ever been in this situation? How did you respond? How do you think you will respond if it
happens in the future?

Emotions have a terrible reputation. They’re blamed for bad decisions; they're squashed behind bitten lips and held breaths. Feelings are held up against rational thought and almost always seen as inferior. Expressing emotion has become equated with showing weakness--something that terrifies even the most powerful among us. Afraid of being perceived as "too sensitive," people struggle with revealing their emotions in even their safest relationships.

But no matter what we try, emotions are a fundamental part of us. And I'm glad, because emotions have something very important and powerful to offer. Feelings are connectors, motivators, and signals. Inside of compassion is a force that creates relationships. Inside of fear is a push to escape danger. Inside of debilitating sadness, haunting guilt, and tingling excitement can be pieces of information about what might be happening around us. When anger burns in our chests and ears, we get information: there is a threat, so it is time for our defenses to go up.

This is not a proclamation that emotions are superior to thought. Thoughts and feelings have equal importance in helping us understand and navigate the world around us. In an illuminating TED talk, David Brooks tells us: “Emotions are not separate from reason, but they are the foundation of reason because they tell us what to value.” Sadness and grief show us that a recent loss was significant. If we walk into a room and feel an eerie sense of impending disaster, we can look for the cause and prepare ourselves. We are bombarded with stimuli every moment we're alive, so emotions help us recognize where to focus our attention.

Brooks goes on to advise that “reading and educating [our] emotions is one of the central activities of wisdom.” Once we can identify our emotions, we can understand them, challenge them, and have control over what we would like to do with them. Take that burning anger I mentioned above. Once we know that we’re feeling angry, we can ask ourselves: “Is there really a threat around me? Am I responding to something in this moment, or is this kicking up an old memory? Should I confront someone with this anger or take some time to decide my next steps?” This type of reflection brings us more control over ourselves and our choices. The desperate attempt to control our feelings by pushing them out of our mind does not work. It only keeps us from understanding ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us.

I leave you with this quote from Albert Einstein: “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant.” What could your life be like if you valued both? More present, more connected, and more fulfilling. I encourage you to find out for yourself.

Therapy is a great space to learn more about yourself and your emotions. Follow my blog for future explorations of emotion, thought, and other psychological stuff.