Monday, June 26, 2017

How To Pee If You're A Boy

If you’re a boy mom, you know that once you start potty
training, your bathrooms will look and smell like a thing of nightmares.
Urine-drenched nightmares.

Cleaning the bathroom is a chore I have listed alongside
things like changing a baboon’s diaper after a recent bout of food poisoning,
and sponge-bathing the skin cheese of a stranger’s fupa.

Going #1 when you’re a little boy can be tricky, so I’ve
slapped together this fun little how-to as a guide. Feel free to add more
disgusting pee acts or modify the steps as you see fit.

1. Begin by pissing all over the seat. Be liberal. Be thorough. Lift up the toilet seat and pee all over the bottom of it, paying special attention to the little screws at the hinges that hold it in place, and on top of the toilet rim. Don’t be a slacker. Outline the impossible-to-clean crevices of the toilet’s base like a disgusting tinkle goblin.

2. Because you are an endless source of vibrant, yellow,
biohazard, dehydrated pee (because you never fucking stop doing things long
enough to drink water until I rage-shriek at you to do so), you’ve still got
plenty of urine to expel. Usually at the most inconvenient times and places,
like the pot of an artificial ficus tree in the middle of a funeral service…for
someone we don’t know.

Go ahead and helicopter your tiny baby junk. That’s it. Like
a happy baby elephant. And, like Elsa, “let it go.” All over the bathroom. Pretend that you’re a sprinkler - one of those cheap, faulty, old-school ones
that sort of twitches water all over the place - only with your special brand of
liquid gold. If you know you’ll be expecting company later, take it an extra
step further and pee in the grout lines of the tile floor.

3. Now it’s time to get rid of any excess by shaking it like
a polaroid picture. Be sure to step away from the toilet during this time so
that you leave a trail of pee droplets on the bathroom floor for mommy to step
in later. Hansel and Gretel style. Dribble some on your underwear, pants,
shorts.

If you’re a little clean freak and you decide to clean up
your trail of pee, use one of the fancy hand towels. The ones you’re not
supposed to touch because they’re “just for looks.” You know the ones. BECAUSE
I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH THEM ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

4. Before you leave the bathroom, you need to ensure that
the pee you’ve gotten on your hands dries into a thin, slightly tacky film.
Stall a little bit. Make faces in the mirror, paint the mirror with your
tongue, finger paint the mirror by spreading the saliva that is now on there
with your pee-dampened hands, use mommy’s toothbrush like a screwdriver and
pretend to loosen the urine-soaked screws on the toilet lid, touch every surface
possible with your gross hands after you’ve messed with your junk no less than
one million times.

5. Now that the pee film on your hands has been baked to
perfection, exit the bathroom. No need to flush the toilet, that’s a fun little
gift you like to leave for mommy to find later. She loves it. Gasps in
amazement each and every time and screams your name excitedly. Now, go up to
your mother and affectionately grab her by the face with both of your hands now
that they’ve been given a nice coat of urine. Play that game where you mess
with her lips while she makes noise. Brrrrbrrrrbrrr. Pretend to be a dentist
and use your fingers to give mom an exam.