1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the fucking manual) to show that theyâ€™re â€œhepâ€ to the lingo. Make up your own that donâ€™t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (â€You donâ€™t know that? RTFMâ€).

2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DONâ€™T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOUâ€™RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!

3. When replying to your mail, correct everyoneâ€™s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but donâ€™t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your â€œcreative criticism,â€ do it again. Continue until they go away.

4. Software and files offered online are often â€œcompressedâ€ so that they wonâ€™t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like â€œThanks.â€

5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like â€œSexyHousewivesI,â€ then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.

6. Join a discussion group and tie whateverâ€™s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if youâ€™re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.