Coke and Pepsi recipes changed

With each can of cola containing more than seven bags of sugar, a large proportion of sales are now for ‘diet’ varieties, but the reduction in diseased mouse bits follows a ban on fetid pork water, once seen as a key ingredient in aiding weight loss.

Both companies are reluctant to bow to so-called ‘verifiable scientific evidence’; claiming it’s a balancing act of both pleasing but not killing the consumer.

Few shareholders will forget the disastrous ‘unleaded’ flavours of the ’80s, or the outbreaks of zombie-ism linked to the ’90s ‘corpse-filtered’ colas.

“While it’s a shame that our recipe is down to just one blackened, twisted paw per 100ml, our customers can be assured they won’t taste the difference”, claimed Pepsi’s head chef, Paul Stanley Jr III.