A naked woman in Utah stole a car, crashed it, and hid in a bush before stealing a police car. And that's not even the whole story.

It's kind of a long tale, so bear with me. A guy is standing outside his car in West Valley, Utah, putting up roadside signs at around five in the morning on Tuesday. A woman pulls up next to him, and jumps out of her car. She is naked. She hops into his car and drives off. So, obviously, he gets into her car and gives chase, calling the police. She misses a turn at some point, and crashes on some property owned by a company called Alliant Technologies.

Her car stuck, she escapes on foot. (She is still nude.) Police and Alliant security search the property, only to find our suspect hiding out behind a bush. Unbowed, the alleged (nude) carjacker makes a run directly at a police officer, who attempts to restrain her. Because she is a little bloody (from the crash) and a little sweaty (from being a nude person running around), she literally slips through their fingers.

At which point she gets in one of the cop cars. The police attempt to drag her out of the car; she drives away on a dirt road, still on the Alliant property. She crashes through another fence, hits a dirt berm, and launches the car in the air for about 50 feet, bringing her journey to a halt. Escaping into the woods, she comes across a barbed-wire fence, which she scales, only to find cops waiting for her. Out of options, they taser her. Fin.

I don't even know where to start! Which is the best part? Obviously, her nudity is bizarre and the main point of interest. But what about the original victim, who drove her car in pursuit? And why did she have a car in the first place? And the hiding in the bushes? And giving the cops the literal slip? And the Dukes of Hazzard stunt, and the barbed-wire fence? What is going on in Utah?

The real hero in the whole story, though, is West Valley police Captain Tom McLachlan, who seems to have related this story to the news media. McLachlan is a master of the understated one-liner:

On the suspect's appearance: "Of course, there was no clothing description available."

On the suspect's navigational abilities: "One turn she did not even attempt to negotiate."

One the police vehicle's status: "I think there's a hubcap that's still usable."

On motive: "It appears there may be mental issues involved."

I couldn't put it better myself.

Update: Looks like our suspect is Sylvina Beagley, a 31-year-old from Kearns, Utah. Thanks to commenters jconchj and bradyb, I've added her mugshot.