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What a day! Iceman got here at 10am and we went to breakfast. Yes, I WAS looking at stuffed pancakes, BT, but decided on an omelette instead. We were together all day -- he didn't leave until 10:30pm. He put a lot on the table and he has said he has fallen for me, and fallen hard. He had no issues whatsoever in making that clear to me. We spent the afternoon running errands and looking at furniture. Finished watching the Redskins game at my place, and then we went to dinner. During dinner the conversation got deep. Ice told me about a very personal time in his life, and shared everything very openly. I was very touched by what he had been through and admired him telling me something so personal.

So, I guess next time its my turn to tell something personal. This guy is saying everything I have ever wanted to hear from a man and its not mushy, its dead-on sincere. If this was coming from anyone else, they would most certainly be labled a leg-humper and cast aside. This guy and I have a deep connection already, as he is a mirror-image of myself. He DID ask why my ex left me and all I could say was ,"I don't know, he got cold feet." What I should of said was "He wasn't strong enough to be my man."

Well, the best time of my life is awaiting me if this man will accept that I have HIV. The difference between his personal issues and mine (HIV) is that his are all in the past, from 20 years ago. I see it that way because he has been sober and drug-free for nearly 20 years. I can see that he wants so much for us, but I can't help but think that he sees me through rose-colored glasses. I said that to him, but he said that when he falls, he falls hard, that he's already attached. Things really moved to a much higher level mentally today, as we are connecting all over the place. He kept commenting on how much he loves to talk with me.

This almost seems to be too good to be true, but I will do what I always do, and just be me, and go for it! This guy is such a gentleman. Very interested in my mind and not just the physical attraction thing. I mean, all we have done is kissed, he is so respectful of me, he has no idea what that means! Respect is #1 on my list, followed by #2 Compassion. Judging from Iceman's past, he is a compassionate person. He said he couldn't wait until Wednesday to see me, so we are getting together Tuesday to cook dinner together.

God give me strength, I don't want to lead him on. We are both so happy, content and excited about the future. I just have to do my jump and get over this HIV hurdle. I really hope that he can trust me with HIV, and not just look at me for my virus. So far he has been wildly attracted to my mind and how I am as an individual. He is really attracted to my playful, sweet personality, but he is also right there in the trenches with me when we talk about serious shit. I just have to bring mine to the table, and then I may be the happiest girl in these Forums.

I have been waiting for a guy like this for a very long time. Don't need him, but I'll sure take him!

That sounds wonderful... I wish you all the luck with the disclosure and in general. Something similar happened to a friend of mine in amsterdam a while ago, she met this guy online, and now they are engaged, it took them just a couple of weeks. I am so keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I will check in again later. Betty, I hope you feel better. Cammie, you too... great pic in your avatar btw. Confused, I like the title, and now with all these guys in the mix it sure is fitting. Cristy, hope it went well with the huge booking (or is it yet to happen?).

Have to run to a bunch of appts this morning.

Have a great kickstart to the week all!

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Wow, Cin, I'm so happy for you! When I read your post, I jumped up and started doing cheers! (And no, I never was a cheerleader, but I was a stripper) . It's about time something good happened for you. Don't project about what he will say about the HIV thing. People in recovery are more open-minded than "normies" so I think everything will go fine. There's a meeting I used to go to where there are guys there in their 70's. They were alright when I talked about having the virus. In fact, they were even more supportive. And if old croonies are alright, I'm sure your man will be also.

Confused, thanks for starting this new thread. I luv the name, btw. It's so fitting! How are you doing?

Queen, I'm glad you got the chance to have Rico for a whole night. And no phone calls! Isn't that amazing? I wonder if he got really firm with his ex about calling him all the time. It sounds like that's what might have happened. Good for him if he did! I'm sure you're feeling all giddy.

Cristy, I am wondering how that evening went with the 90 people booking. Do events like those give you big tips, more than usual?

Drag, what appointments did you have today? Anything involving #'s? If so, please let us know how they are! I will be getting my usual three month bloodwork next month. I'm really anxious to see how those #'s are faring.

Someone in the last thread, I think it was Viv, asked me about my degree. If it was you, Viv, then I'm not getting a PhD. Good Lord, I'm too old for that! I'm getting a bachelor's in Psychology. I've been thinking about going on to get my master's, but that's only a thought. (You know, like an MSW). It would involve a huge commitment on my part, because that would mean more student loans. I just don't want to owe a lot of money during this time in my life. I do agree that you should go back and finish your thesis and get your degree. You came awfully close. It can be done, you know that.

I'm kind of apprehensive about going back to work today. Not for physical reasons. The job I have right now is telemarketing. We're trying to get people to get the Discover card. I know, alot of people aren't happy with that company, but hey, it's a job. Anyway, our boss gets so frustrated at us if we don't make good numbers. But, what are we supposed to do if people just don't want to get it? BTW, I'm on the do-not-call list because I don't want these types of calls. Also, that list expires next year, for any of you who are on it, you'll have to re-register again next year. But anyway, I'm probably just over-stressing about this job. I want to turn in good numbers, but if people don't want it, they don't want it. Some people cuss me out (and get really nasty), some hang up etc. It gets kind of depressing after awhile. But, it is a job so I can't really complain too much. It just seems like I'm so busy, I don't have time for hardly anything else. If I'm not at work, I'm at school or doing homework. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it, someday.

Yesterday I went to my sponsor's apartment. She had a get-together of people in the "sponsorship family." Liz, the girl I went out with a couple times was there, as one of my friend's is her sponsor (and also my sponsor's sponsor). She told me that her TMJ is acting up and the doctor gave her Tylenol #3's for the pain. That was like three weeks ago and she's still on them. I wanted to ask her "What the fuck are you doing!" She was on Klonopin first, now she's on Tylenol with codeine. I know this game all too well. I hope she doesn't end up relapsing, but if it were me, I know I would. I've played the pill game, and I understand she may have needed the Tylenol 3's for a short time. But to stay on them for any length of time is so dangerous for we addicts. It just triggers something in the brain that wants and needs more after awhile. Anyway, she gave me a big, long hug and told me how much she misses seeing me. But where she's at right now, I'm glad I kind of cut it short. I can't get involved with someone who's headed for trouble.

Other than that, algebra is driving me crazy. I'm going to meet with my proff tomorrow evening to try to get some help. We're doing slopes and stuff like that now, and I'm totally lost. So hopefully tomorrow will be helpful. The other class is going alright. There's just so much work. My classes only last eight weeks, and in my Child & Adolescent Pscyhology class, we have papers due every other week. Which makes my time on the weekends devoted to pretty much schoolwork. Like I said, I keep telling myself it will all be worth it someday......

Have a good one ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Cindy, glad that your day with Iceman went well. Good luck with finding the right way to tell him.

Drag, I hope all goes well at the doc for you.

Betty you are so much braver than me. I picked my major strictly by the amount of math required. I am a math moron. There is no way I could tackle algebra.

Cammie, that is a very good pic of you.

There's not much going on for me right now. I finally talked my husband into asking our doctor for something to help with his appetite. He was only eating once a day and not much when he did. He is gone to see her now. I hope whatever she prescribes takes care of it.

My second appointment is this month. I'm kind of anxious and nervous at the same time. I want to see my new numbers but the thought that they could be worse scares me. I wonder too if they could have improved any. Is that possible without meds? I am really hoping to stay off meds as long as I can.

I have another question for all of the knowledgeable ladies here. Are there limitations (legal or otherwise) on the types of employment a person with HIV can obtain? I was told that someone with HIV cannot be employed as a cook but that sounds very discriminatory to me, especially since HIV/AIDS falls under the disability laws. Doesn't that alone keep employers from hiring someone of positive status for any job?

Yep, I think it's a fitting title too....Yep, Saturday night was great with Rico and so was last night. He had gone home Sunday morning but then after talking for a few times, he came back over to my house around 10:30 pm, instead of sending him home since he works early in the morning, I let him stay the night. My roomie fixed a late night brunch for all of us, we talked and he was out like a light. Being the nocturnal person that I am, I just watched him sleep. I dozed off for a bit then got him up for work. I'll prolly hear from him later on today or call him since he has been doing all the calling lately.. We got plans set for Wednesday....

I have been feeling just as giddy as Cindy but has been thinking about the disclosure issue too. What I do know is that he doesn't have an issue with wearing condoms, that came up during a Valtrex commercial. Last night while enjoying brunch and sipping on Pepsi, we started discussing movies. Of all the movies out there, which one does he mention? Philadelphia with Tom Hanks in it, I also spit out my Pepsi. He didn't go into detail about hiv/aids but he did mention that the movie made him sad. I am not sure just how much he knows about hiv/aids but I think I will ease into the conversation on Wednesday to feel him out.

I want to disclose to him, I really do but I don't think he is ready yet because from conversations on his personal life, he has a lot on his plate that he has to deal with right now. What I do know, is that I am starting to really like him. He is such a gentleman and a sweetheart.

Confused--- Did we win the game last night? I totally forgot to watch. I know, shame on me...

Cammie-- Good to see you posting.

Dragonette-- You seem to be quite busy, hope you get all that out the way, I know how draining all that can be. That was me last week with appointments and stuff.

I hope the rest of you ladies are faring well. Ugh, we are suppose to be getting rain mixed with snow tonight with more snow to come by Friday. I hate winter. I will have to get my car off the road before Friday and park it for the winter, that's the Caprice. The other one is still not running, everyone says they will look at it but no one has yet. I think I will end up just taking it to a legal mechanic and being overcharged but at least it will be running. But it will set me back in the long run. I need to get up and get motivated, I still need to do the laundry.......but after posting for a bit.....later ladies....

I would have totally blanked out when he mentioned that movie. I always do when people talk about things that apply to me...especially when they don't know it. You are some brave ladies dealing with this disclosure thing. I "kinda" dealt with it once. My husband and I split up once after the whole health department contact. I dated this guy very breifly but I just couldn't even think about getting close to him without telling him that I had been with someone who was poz. I was scared to death to tell him and I was negative then. I am sure telling that you are poz is a whole new game.

Oh Queen, our boys totally kicked ass last night. 38 - 17 I wasn't glued to it or anything but Romo had a good passing game.

wow, what is going on with the guys (Queen, Cindy) is just awsome!! haven't heard from SunSeeker in a while, hopefully for all the right reasons too...

Cammie, I hope things will be easier for you soon. Also Betty, I know what you mean about watching someone slide down that slippery slope, particularly nasty if you care for them. maybe you can have a talk with her, to make her see the danger. Would she listen? I guess you won't know beforehand. But the most important thing is keep your self safe...

I will not have my VL & resistance results till a month or more from now, today was just regular things like the pyhsio & my psychologist, whom I see every 6 weeks or so (not a v. internsive therapy there).

yes I am quite busy, b/c I neglected work for so long, and also cos I am exceptionally slow with whatever I do.

today i came home and in btw my bike and apat door (3 meters or so) I managed to lose my keys, yup it was dark and raining too, I searched and searched to no avail, took my shopping apart, all the pockets, emptied my bag etc. I just couldn't fanthom how this happened. Finally my BF found them hanging on some spike off the bike. I use this as an illustration. stuff like this happens all the time. I'm just a scatterbrain I guess.

Have a great evening ladies, and good luck with everything

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Its great to see everyone here, but I'm still waiting to hear from Sunseeker, too.

Queen, the way you are talking "afterglow" I thought you nipped everything in the bud (ha-ha "bud" ) and got your ankles up behind your ears already! It figures that Rico brought up the Philly movie out of everything. I haven't seen it in so long, but when you disclose to him, you can reassure him that times have changed. You are living proof, having lived 10+ years with HIV. Did you get your VL back yet?

Betty~ I got your PM reply, sorry things are shitty, but maybe you are stretching yourself too thin while you're under the weather. The hardest thing for me over the past 5 years or so has been slowing down in order to benefit my health. I don't choose to do it all anymore, its just too much, and I know better. I got a kick out of you being a stripper! You go, girl! (I got Most School Spirit, btw) West Virginia is only 15 minutes from me, believe me I have had some crazy thoughts what with unemployment! There aren't any night clubs where I am in Maryland, but across the river......LOL

Drag~ I am more scatterbrained than I used to be, and it started in my mid-30s! I will think of something I want in the next room, walk to the room, and forget why the hell I walked to it in the first place, lol! I try to do things slowly, too, just to keep things in moderation and not shock my system. I would always push myself very hard at work, and every damn time I would end up paying for it with a cold or exhaustion or something. Take it easy on yourself and don't feel bad if the turtles pass you!

Confused~ I'm not sure what the laws are with hiring someone who is pos, unless you're a doctor doing surgery! I would think you could do anything you wanted to. We know HIV is difficult to transmit outside of the body, and if you are responsible, there is no reason for you to worry about anything, unless you decide to become a professional boxer or something! Maybe post your question in the main threads. I'm sure the guys would have some input, esp Aunty Doxie and Aztecan. Aztecan (Mark) is a case manager and very knowledgeable.

Cam~ Its nice to see you back here, we all missed you! Even if we go to that dark place for a bit, I think we should try to sign on and check in. I know, easier said than done when you're down and out, but we all get so much support here -- it can only be beneficial.

So, Iceman called around 11am this morning. He is so upbeat and said I should just walk into the office at that killer job that I want. The one I interviewed at 2x about 3 weeks ago. I told him the thought of going in there was very intimidating and that I probably wouldn't do it. He was trying to get my "mojo" going, so that I could just go in there unannounced. I have never been that forward, but told him if I got a wild hair up my ass while I was out around town, I would just steer the Jeep in that direction!

Turns out the job called ME after Iceman and I hung up! I couldn't believe my eyes when that number showed up on my cell. I had checked in for the third week in a row last week, and the GM was out for the day. He said that he and the owner were planning on getting together this week to discuss me and would be calling. GM said he would call me tomorrow, but in a few days is good, too! Yippeeeeeeee!! I guess Iceman got my ESP mojo going, lol!

GFs, he is SMITTEN. He has it BAD for me already. He is not afraid to fall and be vulnerable where someone is concerned. The fact that I make him feel comfortable enough to show his true emotions is amazing, a great compliment, I say. Believe me, I asked Iceman why he didn't want to get out and date around, boost his ego, put some notches on his bedpost......He's not like that. I have my radar up just in case, to protect this heart, but I feel he is being honest. The man has nothing to hide. Have you ever kissed a guy with your eyes open? What did he do? If he shut his eyes to your open ones, he's not comfortable with himself and symbolically isn't ready " to bare his soul to you." I kissed Iceman last night and kept my eyes open at one point. So did he. It may sound like a myth, but it has always rang true when it comes to judging one's personality.

I am thinking about disclosing tomorrow night after dinner. This guy is so happy and I haven't really totally let myself be "me" cause I fear rejection after disclosure. This guy trusts me already, so what do I have to lose? I am just being chicken, and I want to take strength from his example, from the fact that he told me some heavy stuff already -- even with a smile on his face. I have to disclose. Iceman has made plans for every weekend and even wants to spend Thanksgiving evening together with me so I won't be alone this year. I like his big plans, its a cozy feeling.

OK, I could vent all night about this man. If I can land a good job that I have been waiting weeks for, and have a great man that I have been waiting years for, then my goodness, the shit of this summer will be well worth it! Pray hard, girls, please pray hard.

Also, please pray for our Dan J. who had a second surgery today. Most of you have posted in Hermie's thread, but we all need to send positive vibes to those two. They have so much love for each other, and so much is going on right now to keep them apart. Big prayers for Dan J. and Hermie (heartforyou) tonight!

Hello ladies!! Jeez you miss one day or even half a day on the forums and SO much happens!!

Cin~~ Iím so glad things are going well with iceman. Sounds like you really found yourself a decent guy. I can only imagine the anxiety your feeling about disclosure. But what is meant to be will be. I wish you the best of luck with that.

Queen~ Seems things are going well for you in the man dept as well. Hopefully they stay that way.

Betty~ Iím in the same boat as you are with the school thing. Right now Iím overwhelmed and frustrated. Like you I keep telling myself it will be worth it one day. Hang in there it will pay off. Education is something nobody can ever take away from you as knowledge is power!

As for me, Iíve been feeling extra shitty lately. I think a combo of the pregnancy along with my busy schedule is taking a toll on my body. Iím exhausted to the point where Iím sick. But things need to get done so I have to keep going. Military man claims to be coming to stay with me for a little while because he doesnít want me to be alone. Iíve been in constant pain and have been having lots of false labor contractions. I think heís beginning to worry. But obviously heís not too worried because he seems to be taking his sweet ass time getting here. He was supposed to come up today now heís saying maybe tonight or tomorrow morning. Iím trying to stay cool but Iím getting pist. I guess I have no choice but to sit back and let whatever is going to happen, happen. Well, @ this point Iím going to try to find the strength to get my school work done and some other errands. I hope all of you ladies are doing well tonight!

Queen and Cindy, good luck on your disclosures. It sounds like Iceman and Rico are both smitten so I'm thinking about you both !!

I'll tell my disclosure story just in case it helps ..... I met my boyfriend last December. I had found out about my status only 3 months before -- dating was honestly the LAST thing on my mind. I was still recovering from the shock of my diagnosis and from a breakup 6 months earlier. So I met this guy... we got to know each other as friends for a few weeks ... and when he asked me out on a date I told him "let's not date, let's just be friends right now ... " because I just couldn't imagine disclosing and wasn't willing to even kiss him without doing so. (just my personal limits with it) He seemed kind of puzzled because it was obvious that we were totally hitting it off. Anyway, I couldn't help myself ... I just wanted to keep hanging around him as friends, I was just completely drawn to him. One night, he leaned over and tried to kiss me and I completely FREAKED OUT !! lol. He said I had a look of TERROR on my face, and I probably did. He called me out on it -- and I broken down, and through my tears burst out with something like "I can't date you, I have HIV." He gave me a big hug and sat on the couch next to me, held my hand, and listened to my whole story. He told me he was there for me. We kept hanging out as friends for another few weeks -- and then one day I went over to his house and he a book sitting on his couch about dating somebody with HIV. We have taken things very slowly, but he was amazing through the disclosure process.

So anyway ... I just thought maybe my story might help you two as you get closer to your disclosures. I was really amazed ... at the time, I couldn't imagine anybody wanting to date me ever again ... his reaction made me realize that not everybody saw HIV like I saw it at the time ... he gave me a lot of faith in people in general. People can be really amazing, and I wish you both the best. I'll be waiting anxiously for your next posts !!!

Things with me have been a lot better. After a lot of talking, my relationship has been back to normal. I think he was in a funk that didn't have a lot to do with me ... but of course I assume it's this HIV ... and it wasn't. I have to remind myself that HIV doesn't define me and that when things happen in life I cannot always assume it is because of my status. I met one of his sisters the other day for the first time ... I'm not sure if she knows my status or not (his other family does) -- and while she was nice to me, I kept wondering in the back of my head, is she wondering about my HIV status? Does she know ? Does she think I'm bad for her brother because of it ? I'm really trying to work on not doing this but it's tough ... I sometimes feel like I have a big red X on my forehead. Anybody else feel this way ?

I cant think of any limitations as far as jobs. Aside from anything to do with putting your hands inside someones body. IE surgery or something to that effect. Or juggling knives around small children possibly LOL Could be different in different countries. No clue...

I'm going to have to take some time to read the rest a little bit later. I'm lacking the patience to sit here that long right now. But I shall return!

Thank you, Sara, for sharing your experience. I have disclosed to plenty of guys this year, and also back in 2001-2002 when I was a serial dater.

I have learned that no matter how wound up I get thinking ahead about disclosing, all I can do is.....DO IT. The man is going to react however he is going to react.

Iceman called again tonight, 2x, and we spoke for 2 hours the first time. Very deep conversations, whoever knew talking and sharing could feel this good? He is so pleased because I "get him." He is telling me things that took him years to tell his ex wife. I WILL tell him tomorrow. I am actually feeling more confident about doing this now. Sure, there is a chance he will turn tail and run, but somehow I don't think so. This man trusts me so much that I can tell him about HIV and educate him if need be, and....he will listen, cause that's what he does. He listens. He talks. He listens.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Never looked forward to disclosure before, hmmmm. I have to wonder how many people Iceman knows from AA that may be pos, too?

Wow, things sure move fast in here! If I miss a day I am sooo behind in what's going on!

Cin-I am excited for you. I miss that "feeling" of really liking someone and having that chemistry. I hope it all works out for you.

Betty-I am really trying to motivate myself to back into the grind. After being so sick last year I thought I would ease back in this year, but I am probably just making an excuse...

Queen-Do you think maybe Rico is letting you know that he's OK with everything? Who knows right?

Not a lot to report here. I just found out that I am getting a new student... So now I have 32...ugh! It is such a hassle when someone comes in once the year has started. I have to find extra books, bring them up to speed, find out where they are academically, etc. I am sure it will be alright, just venting here

For those of you who don't know (which is everyone other than Cin) I quit my job yesterday. The boss tried to talk me out of it, but I told her a very firm "no." She filled out the paperwork that said I "voluntarily resigned" in case I ever wanted to go back there. It was really starting to effect me emotionally and physically wise. I still feel sick, and now I believe I have a yeast infection. It's got to be yeast, since I haven't been sexually active in like four years. My sinuses are still plugged, I've been getting chills, and I'm starting to cough some stuff up (gross, I know). So I guess I'll be calling my doctor today again. The yeast thing I know can be cleared up with something from the drugstore over the counter. But I'm not sure about the rest of this stuff. I guess I should've known better after not working for 14 years, than to try to mix school and a five day a week job. So, back to the budget being tight etc.....

I'm anxiously waiting for the disclosure results, Cin! I'm sure he will be alright with it. I don't know that he would know anyone in AA with HIV. People in NA might know more people with it, as there seems to be riskier behavior with people in NA than there is with people in AA. But, I'm sure he'll be accepting of it, just from the way he sounds. I'll be thinking about you today.

Queen, what's happening in the disclosure department in your area? I wonder who much he knows since he was talking about "Philadelphia." That just sounds too coincidental. I'm sure he will be alright with it. Sounds like he is already from what was said. I figured you guys were banging on a regular basis also, since he spent the night at your place! I'll be thinking about you also.....

I wonder what's been happening with Em. Haven't heard from her lately. Em, where are you girl?

To all you other ladies who are kind of new here, I hope you all are doing well! Today will be a hard day for me, because of feeling so sick and trying to get back into a somewhat normal routine. Please keep me in your thoughts today, ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

2 poz friends of mine here, women, have quit a similar job (actually easier, customer services not sales) after about 2 weeks. It's just really hard. As someone who has done phone surveys I know that... it's draining. Most HEALTHY people don't last more than a couple months and they don't have school on the side. Be kind to yourself... sometimes it's just not worth it.

About the yeast, I have it on/off too not related to sex. when I get it I buy OTC vaginal tablets & cream, I also eat a lot of yoghurt or take the bio-something pills (the same stuff they put in the yoghurts but much more concentrated). I do assume that the sinus/cough thing is related to you going back to smoking or the combination of smoking and Chantix. Anyway better get checked up just in case...

I know it's more normal to congratulate someone over finding a job but in some cases it's suitable for quitting a job, so congratulations dear.

You are in my thoughts~~ don't be hard on yourself, you're doing the best you can and more than many people can do...

All puns aside, Cindy, Queen, GOOD LUCK with the disclosure, I am really really hoping it will be as smooth as possible.

Sara, thnx for sharing your own story. That's a nice one... I can't say mine was as romantic. I'll write it sometime too. I am really happy for ya esp now that things are less rocky. Always look on the bright side of life...

PS NY girl, of course you are tired etc, you're heavily pregnant! good on ya for keeping everything up & going, I can't do that and I am not even 1 hour pregnant ... you're just great.

« Last Edit: November 06, 2007, 07:35:25 AM by Dragonette »

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Viv, you have another student? Total of 32 now? Man, I have to look up where you're located. THAT is a big class! What grade do you teach? I am sure your tolerance level to noise is much better than mine, lol!

BT~ Yes, congrats on doing whats right for YOU. Class AND working 5 days a week is a bit much. Maybe you could get a PT job 2 days a week for a little extra pocket money? As far as the yeast infection goes, how have your sugars been? Do you test a lot each day? Yeast can be a sign of elevated sugars over a prolonged period of time, and is esp common in diabetics. maybe google "diabetics and yeast infection." I know they are hell, like poison ivy on the poontang. Or "poonani" to quote our Queen!

Drag~ What are you up to? Working in two housecoats? LOL, you should see ME in my garb, lol! I look like a big purple marshmallow, lol! So one month until your results come back, right? I am anxiously awaiting! See how I quoted you in my signature line below? I was reading Part IX last night, getting ready for disclosure this evening, and your words really struck home. There are so many people who strive for control and perfection and they are the ones who just lose it!

Queen~ Where did you disappear off to last night? I am echoing Betty some here. WHY would Rico bring up the movie Philly and make comments during a Valtrex commercial? I am wondering if HE has something to disclose, or if he has heard about you through the grapevine. Is it possible that he has? This could actually turn out better than you think, if he is going through something, too. Let us know when you get your VL results, call your Nurse Girl at the office.

Iceman sent me another pic of himself this morning. He is always smiling, and his name is fitting, not just because of the hockey thing, but also because he has really light blue eyes, ice blue, in fact!

I am nervous about tonight, because we will only be together maybe three or four hours, but maybe its better that way. If I plan to disclose, I am going to have to cut to the chase right after dinner. Our date Friday was 7 hours, and Sunday was over 12 hours, but tonight will be short. Damn. I really hope that this works out and that he can trust me. If he wasn't so open with me there's no way I would disclose this early. Shit, we've only kissed and we are still getting to know each other. He is just gung-ho on having all 12 cylinders fire towards a future with me. Dammit. Every time I think something is too good to be true it usually is, but maybe God has taken me down this path to get to this guy. Someone who is compassionate and deep and understanding, and who won't pass judgment.

The one thing I fear that a guy will fear is his own safety when it comes to HIV. Ice has been snipped, but hell he's also been with only one woman for 15 years, too. He's got to be thinking about protection if he's entering the dating game, or maybe not? I don't know. I'll keep him safe, just like I always have when I have dated guys. Oh I hope he can trust me with this so that we can take this further. I have to let him know that I am fine, my counts are good, and that I can keep him safe. Damn booger of a virus isn't going to get any man that this girl is with. The virus stopped with me 15 years ago.

OK, going to bake some brownies for later. I'll win his heart and his stomach! Now, BT don't be thinking about my brownies like you did last time. You need chicken noodle, girl, say it with me "chicken noodle!" I am praying for you today, just like you asked. I always think about all of us here, a Ya-Ya Sisterhood of our own!

Tendai how are you?

Dawn, how was Cirque?

Sun, are you speaking Spanish yet, girl? LOL

Cam, Cristy, Sara, NY, confused, Em and our long lost Nic (zachy's mom), how are you ladies doing?

I am so fucking on cloud 9, excuse the cussing but I am just super hyped!!!!! I got up around 10 ish today, not sure what's up with that but it has been happening a lot lately. Woke up to see some damn snow and it had came down too, my car was covered. Checked my vm to hear a message from Nurse Leah from the clinic, my viral load came back, I am UNDETECTABLE. Remember, I just started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07, my viral load had been 16,590, I put that in my sig line now... I called Nurse Leah and chatted with her for a few, she congratulated me and she was telling me a few things about Atripla. I was concerned about taking it late a few times and she said that was ok but not to miss a dose because out of the 3 meds in Atripla, the Sustiva is the one that lasts the longest, the others wear off faster. Which could cause resistance but no worries there, I haven't missed a dose.

I also had to stop by my ASO and see my case manager to sign some paper work for SPBP, a program to help with paying for my Atripla since Medicare will only pay so much and will have me going to get refills every 23 days along with a co-pay, I think with SPBP there is no co-pay. So while there, I shared my news and picked up some condoms...

Now on about Rico. Yes, we did have sex. I will tell you all this since I feel like Cindy about the Ya- Ya Sisterhood thing we have here with these threads. I am beating myself up about it really and even though I still am feeling the afterglow, it is kinda of bittersweet to me since I have not disclosed to him. I don't know if any of you have read my past posts on disclosure but I have serious issues with it. I started a thread about it here in the Women's Forum as well as in the Intro thread where my story is. And I usually encourage those new ones here to disclose but when they feel the time is right. So at the moment I am feeling my own words but encourage you to read my previous posts before passing judgement on me. Now you are asking what are my plans, right? At the moment, not to disclose. Why? Because I am still feeling him out and because I know of the things that is going on in his life, I don't think I need to add to it. I have taken precautions and made sure that a condom was always worn and have gotten more. And now knowing that my vl is undectable, I do feel a bit safer. I do plan on talking more to him about hiv and his feelings on it because I really want to know where he stands on this. I will be having this talk with him on Wednesday when he comes over and I will keep you updated. Try not to be hard on me because I really had no intentions on having sex with him, it just kinda happened and now that it has, I can't take it back.

I have to go now, I think my sugar is trying to crash on me but since I feel the way I do about you all, I felt the need to keep it real and let you know what is really going on and not leave anything out. So, in other words I am really putting myself out here. Thanks for listening...

GF Queen~ You know I only want the best for you where Rico is concerned. I hope it doesn't backfire on you. Cute, Goderator Andy is reading our thread! I love it when the guys peek in here!

QUEEN IS UNDETECTABLE!! QUEEN!!!! QUEEN IS UNDETECTABLE!! Congrats on the great results! I became undetectable when I started on Sustiva, and I haven't been detectable since, in over five years!

I am getting nervous now, because in about 2 hours I will be trying to keep my Chinese food down, while trying to get my nerve up. Worst thing that can happen when I disclose to Iceman is that he will just stop calling, like so many have. I have never been a leg-humper, but maybe I'll work that a little tonight, and really tell Iceman that I think things could be great with us. Its usually the guy that has trouble trusting me, and already Iceman has shown that he trusts me, so we'll just see how it goes.

I'll be sure to post tonight after he leaves. Oh goodness, all I am doing is sitting here and I feel like I'm pacing. Queen, I hollered for you on IM, where are you? So restless now.

Oh man, he is leaving work in a half hour, so this is it. I gotta try to chill and not eat all the brownies I just baked.

I don't judge you for having sex, I am sure you kept is safe and I have no issue with not disclosing if it's safe, like in a one night stand or whatever (which is legal here btw). I just hope Rico will be cool with it. In a sense, this is raising the stakes, b/c I think it is easier to disclose before not after. Then again I have only disclosed once, but this is my feeling. I doesn't mean it can't work out, but it is riskier, and harder, to keep HIV a secret once you have sex, you can't stop thinking about it I assume... I hope so much everything will work out for you two. Congrats on becoming undetectable!

Cindy, good luck again for tonight. Keeping all organs crossed for you. Hard to watch TV that way... Remember you are A great catch... Have fun tonight...

Hugs,

Logged

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Betty~ Iím sorry to hear your still sick. Hang in there!! Like Cindy said ďChicken soupĒ and prob some hot tea. Pamper yourself and try to take it easy. We all need to say screw the world and just take care of us sometimes. Seems like now is your turn.

Queen~ Congrats on being undetectable!!!! Iím very happy for you! And as far as sex with Rico. We are all here to support you NOT to judge you. I can personally understand your issues with disclosure. All I will say is please continue to be safe. I think Cindy says it best when she says ďThe virus stops hereĒ. Weather we choose to disclose or not, It is my belief that we need to make sure we donít pass this virus on. That being said I hope things continue to go well between Rico and yourself!

Dragonette~ Thank you for your encouraging words. They help a lot.

As far as my life goes, nothing much new or exciting. Military man will be on his way here in a few hours. Itís been awhile since weíve seen each other and Iím a bit nervous but relieved that I wont be here alone anymore. I guess only time will tell what is to be between myself and military man. Although, I do hope things work out for the better between us, Iím also very on guard. I guess like everyone else I want the ďwhite picket fenceĒ but who knows what reality will bring me.

Thanks Cindy and Dragonette for your words. You're right Dragonette, it does indeed raise the stakes. I feel like I have taken a step backwards since I had just disclosed to my roomie but this is different circumstances. After posting what I did earlier, I discussed it with her. She feels I should disclose but she doesn't think now is the time. I will do like I said I would with Rico and really hope for the best.

Right now, I just want to celebrate the undetectable viral load, I am still on cloud 9 about that. Yeah, Cindy, it still trips me out that the fellas check out our thread but maybe it gives them a kind of heads up on things from a woman's prospective. I know I have gotten a few PMs in the past from guys who have read something I have said.

Yeah, good luck with the Iceman tonight. But you always seem to get the ones who seem to be cool with your status. And since he is in AA like Betty said maybe he will be more open. Sorry, I wasn't around on IM earlier, hell I was looking for you and didn't see you on....We think too much a like girlie and we always seem to IM when something crucial is coming up. Then you mentioned making the brownies, I made chocolate chip cookies... Keep us posted cause most of us are sitting on the edge of our seats especially me...

Ny--- You were posting as I was trying to post. Thanks for your words too. I will not be anything but safe in regards to being sexual with Rico. As far as Mr. Military, keep your guards up but I wouldn't expect too much because then you can't be disappointed but then if he does man up or whatever, it will be more of a surprise. Not sure if that makes sense to you.

Queen - Congratulations on your undetectable viral load. That is awesome. I'd be scared to death to disclose after the fact. Hopefully he doesn't go psycho when you do decide to tell him. I'd have to disclose before any naughty bits came into play. But that's just me.

Cindy - Good luck with Iceman. Since my diagnosis I've never dated anyone negative. I was always too intimidated to put myself out there. Fear of rejection and all. Limiting yourself to positive men isn't easy. Fortunately I've found one worthy of keeping.

Bettytacy sorry to hear about the yeast. That's soooo uncomfortable. Hope you start feeling better soon. It should help now that you'll have more time to take care of yourself.

Viv - Good luck with your student. I hope he/she is the brightest most easy going of the bunch.

srmn98 - How heart warming. He sounds like a real open minded, nice guy.

Nygurl225 - How far along are you? I know the last couple of months suck. With my first son I was just ready to get him out of me I was so big and miserable. LOL

Nothing new to report with me. I went to a job training class today. Its my second time going. I go once a week. Terribly boring and confusing insurance junk.

Cindy and Queen, I am nervous for you both. I can barely wait to hear the rest. Good luck to both of you.

You'll find no judgement here either. Life is what it is and sometimes things just happen.

Nothing really going on for me. I went to work, went to vote and came home. I've been feeling really weak and queasy lately. Not sure what that is about, hopefully nothing major. I think I'll turn in early tonight.

Cindy and Queen-I am very nervous for both of you. I can't even imagine telling anyone other then my family about my status. I can't wait to find out what happened. I am sending you positive thoughts!

Well today was sooo stressfull! I just wanted to go back home at 9:30. I welcomed my new student today (oh by the way to answer Cindy's question I am in southern CA...Orange County) and the other kids were very helpful so that was nice. Of course all of that was about to end. To give some background...I have quite a handful this year. Lots of issues. One of my students is autistic and he does not have an aide. Well today he totally went off and hit another student. I had to stop my lesson and have another teacher watch my kids and take him up to the office. I have already met with the school psychologist and special ed. rep and they are not too eager to do anything. He ended up being suspended since this was not the first time he had done this. I also want to mention that he is very high functioning and VERY bright. He knows what he is doing. About an hour after that another student shut his hand in the door and was completely upset over that...whew! I was so glad when it was 2:15! I hope tomorrow is much better!

Cindy .... I'm still glued to the computer wanting to hear about Iceman tonight ! Thanks for filling me in on more background ..... there is a lot to know about everybody coming into the group as a new member ... but I'm learning more about you all. Hope it went well.

vivyt ... teaching is hard work but must be very rewarding too.

queen .... I'm not here to judge either. My personal philosophy is to put myself in the other person's shoes .... what would I expect from them in terms of disclosure if the shoe were on the other foot ? For me, I would want to know before anything happened as I want to be in control of what effects my mental and psychological health. I know disclosure is terrifying ... but I also know that you sound like a very strong woman and I know that you can do it. nuff said. except... congrats on undetectable.

winiroo ... yeah .... he is ! finally, a nice one

dragonette... hope you feel better ...

betty .... congrats on quitting your job. it sounds like it is the right choice for you.

confused me and nygurl ..... still getting to know you two but am reading your posts.

I think that's everybody. Not much new going on here with me. Got my hair colored and cut today ... feels good to have a new color (darker brown with red). I have to go in for my bloodwork soon and I always have such a hard time convincing myself to make the appointment ... do any of you struggle with that ? I guess I'm just scared of what they will tell me next.

Well ladies it's almost one am and once again military man has been nothing but a disappointment. He told me he was leaving to come up and see me today, when I called to ask when he was coming he hadnít left yet. This was at 9:30pm!!! I was pist. He told me he would call me back in a little bit. As time past I became more and more anxious. Began text messaging him and calling. He in return began ignoring my calls. Needless to say, I got really mad lost my temper and text messaged him some pretty mean things. Not really spiteful but I was blunt. I told him that I was sick of his shit and my child and I didnít need undependable people like him in our lives. He could either be a man and keep his word or he could leave us both alone. I donít need this stress in my life. I know better then to expect anything from him because heís been nothing but a disappointment in the past but his actions still hurt. So now Iím pist, depressed and once again feeling just plain shitty!! UGH!!! I hate men!!! I feel as if I am at my breaking point with this man and this situation. Iím literally sick to my stomach. For the most part I have been very calm and have kept my cool throughout this whole situation, but tonight was the straw that broke the camels back. I guess Iíll allow myself to have my emotional breakdown tonight and tomorrow it will be time to pick myself up and move forward. I try not to let myself feel sorry for myself and be bitter for too long. Life is too short for that shit. Well ladies, I hope everyone is having a better night then I am. Iím off to try and calm my nerves a bit and attempt to sleep. Night All!

Oh NY, I'm sorry your man is disappointing you tonight. I hope he isn't calling off the entire visit, even if you ARE pissed at him. You could use an extra pair of hands. I know your emotions are running high. I get moody when my blood sugar is high and I get very irritable. I can't imagine how you feel, with this baby due in just four weeks. When is your due date? I am thinking December 3rd, just throwing some ESP out there tonight..... Thanks for your prayers tonight....

Hi Sara~ Thanks for the well-wishes, sorry to keep you waiting, lol! As far as struggling with making an appointment, you have to do it. You just have to. This is a way of life for you now, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to get regular check-ups. Yes, there were times when I would drive to the lab and I would pray to God, asking for good results the following week. Sometimes I would get emotional and shed some tears, other times I would simply ask for strength and courage. I have been getting my blood drawn since I was 11 for diabetes, and since 1993 for HIV. Its a way of life and its normal, but I understand your mixed emotions over it. Give yourself time with all of this, things will get easier. You have us girls now, too!

Hey Viv~ You Cali girl I have family in Cathedral City and Santa Monica, but I've never been further west than Chicago. Thanks for your positive thoughts tonight. What grade do you teach, btw?

Hi CM~ Weak and queasy? Weren't you turning in early a few nights ago, too? Are you OK? I agree with what you said, "Sometimes things just happen...." I agree, keep scrolling down, GF!

Hi Win~ I have only dated one pos guy (meaning more than just the initial date, lol) once since being pos. That was Stone from August and Sept. I'm trying not to think about him, since the way things ended was just awful. I had one date each with two other pos guys, one in 2002 and one this past March. He is a good friend now and we IM some. He lives in MD too. Thanks for wishing me luck tonight. Seems all of the girl power got together tonight while I was away from the Forums and you all sent good vibes my way!

Hi Queen~ I signed into IM tonight at 1239am, and the first thing I see is you going offline a few seconds before me. LOL We are on the same wavelength, GF! As far as me getting guys who are cool with my status, believe me, I have had my share of turndowns. I just seem to cluster a bunch of guys around me and try to zero in on the one who compliments my personality the best. I look for compatibility. Trust me, its like a 3-ring circus at times, hell remember the threads in July? LMAO I also think I am a great judge of character and pretty damn intuitive. I know what works for me and what doesn't. I am also finding that through more disclosure over the years I have become more secure in myself. Thanks for wishing me good luck from the Queen herself! Have you talked to Rico tonight? The virus stops with you, too, GF. Congrats again on an undetectable VL. Queen is fucking UNDETECTABLE!!!!! In only 6 weeks? Hee hee heeeeeeeeeeee! What GREAT news! I still can't get over it, so psyched for you!

I hear a symphony playing! I have an exclusive boyfriend who adores me! ADORES me! I got his ass upstairs so we could talk in my room. He starts giving me a back massage and I am making all kinds of small talk about AA, telling Iceman that I admire his confidence in himself. I told him he was an inspiration to ME, and because of that, I had something I wanted to share with him as well. He was laying there, looking me right in the eyes. I beat around the bush for a minute, I told him he might be surprised, and that I normally wouldn't reveal something so personal so early on. But I also said that he gave me the courage to do so. Finally, I just simply said "I am HIV+." I can't even remember what his first words to me were. I kept averting my eyes and then telling myself to look him directly in the eyes again. The lights were off, candles lit, we were relaxed.... I think he asked, "How are you doing?" I said I was fine and asked if he knew anyone from AA or from the days when he used.

And girls, then things got crazy easy in a way I have never experienced before while disclosing. Iceman blew my mind. Just as gently and easy as ever, he tells me he's got HepC. My reaction? I smiled, and we hugged each other tight as I said, "We're practically in the same boat!" I mean I was so relieved that he could somehow relate. Isn't that the craziest thing? I smiled and he smiled and we laughed and I told him that he had made all of this so easy for me, by being trusting and open with me on our dates. And then to hear he's got Hep? Isn't that just backwards that I am happy, kind of, if that's what you call it?

I admitted to him that I wondered earlier how he got through abusing IV drugs in the 80s without getting HIV or Hep. I had even mentioned a Sirius radio DJ who died of Hep last month, and Iceman said his stomach jumped the other night when I brought up the subject to him.

It just comes down to this....He gave a little of himself, I was accepting, and his ways gave me strength and encouraged me to share my story as well. And then he shared more of his. We've just kept feeding off of each other's strength these past few days. There is such a deep emotional connection, so many things shared. I have told him that I am independent and strong, and don't expect much help or good to come my way unless I make it happen on my own. I have been a fighter, standing on my own.

Iceman said it was time for that to change, that all I had to give was 50%, and I said I would try to back down some, lol. In the candlelight tonight, he looked like Bruce Willis. Hair cut very close to his head, smiling ice blue eyes, little smirk smile grin on his face. He is muscular (yummy), about 5' 10", and get this, lol, he just bought a brand new Harley. I swore I would never date a motorcycle dude. He doesn't look like a "rough rider" or anything, just a boy with his toy. But who says Moon doesn't go for the bad boys? "Whatcha gonna do....?" LOL

I can't believe this guy wants ME. ME! It hasn't hit me yet. I am strangely calm tonight. Is this what I've been waiting for? OMG I think I can look forward to my favorite time of the year now. Birthday (his is 11/11 btw, I'm 11/14), Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.......Oh, thank goodness!

tendai

CINDY!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!GIRL IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. THAT IS FANTASTIC OH MY GOSH!!!. i wish i could jump over there and give u great big hug!! yes! i'm really pleased for u! (my co-worker here thinks i'm crazy clapping hands all by myself). i'd do a happy dance if i was sure i wouldnt trip myself up. Of course he wants YOU!!! Wishing you more and more, u guys deserve each other

Queen - you too girl!!!!!! congrats on the undetectable. and about Rico!! i'm sure u'll disclose when u're good and ready. who knows maybe he's got his own story to tell too. About the movie Philadelphia i never watched it. could u bring me up to speed and how its linked with Rico?

NY - i think what u did was best. like i said before some men will only hold us back and u dont need to take such shit from him. i think u need to be with someone during these last few weeks, u know? . is there someone nearby who can be with u or whos at least a phonecall away?

Betty - how u feeling now? i hope u're better

Sara - your disclosure story was great. yours and Cindy's stories make me feel theres hope after all. i'm really happy for you. i'm draging my heels when it comes to bloodwork. my doctor had said 3-6 months. that was in June. i almost had then done in early October but they wanted too much money so i decided to wait till end of December. Or January. i really dont want to have them done, i'm scared to be told i have to start meds.

vivyt - hows the kids? i've always thought teachers deserve medals for patience. and fat paychecks coz lets face it you help to mould the new generation

cam- how u doing girl?

Drag- hows the premature alzheimer's (just kidding). i do forget things too , especially when i got stress or too much on my mind

as for me i'm dipping a cowardly toe in the dating pool. theres a guy who's expressed an 'interest'. he's 54! old enough to be my dad! says he's divorced. i dont know...

Drag- hows the premature alzheimer's (just kidding). i do forget things too , especially when i got stress or too much on my mind

it's getting worse actually, yesterday we got home and it was stinking of gas, I had turned off the flame in the morning after making Shaun's ginseng concotion but left the gas on & leaking . Luckily no one lit a cigarette otherwise I would not be writing this post.

I'll catch you later young lady...

Logged

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

OMG! OMG! Cin, I am soooooooo happy for you! I knew he would be accepting. And now he's disclosed something to you also that he was probably worried about. And hey, he can only be better with a Harley! I am kind of an "old biker." I used to date a guy who was in a biker "club" (The Jokers) here. That club was disbanded by the Hell's Henchman, who were disbanded by the Devil's Disciples etc...... But, getting back to the point, way to go! If I were you, I would be in a celebrating mood! Are you guys going to do anything this weekend to celebrate? You should! Go dancing or something. I would definitely be on Cloud 9 right about now. You go girl!

Queen, I'm not sitting in the judgement seat. You disclose on your terms. You're making sure he's safe. You'll know when it's time to disclose. I'm just glad somebody around here is getting laid.

Viv, I don't know how you handle so many different personalities in the same room. You must have loads of patience. I don't know if I could last an hour with all those kids. You are truly a blessing.

Ny, I would definitely be calling it quits right about now with Military Man. He's just not worth all the extra emotions you're going through. I know we all need to be needed, but not in that kind of way. It sounds like everything has to be on his terms. Well, that's not the way life is, especially when there's a new life involved.

SRM, about the bloodwork...... you just have to do it, if you want to remain healthy. I know starting on meds is scarey, but you just have to look at it like they're saving your life. And thank God they know so much more than what they used to. Go on girl, get those vials drawn!

I am feeling more centered today. Last night I met with my algebra teacher at the library. Even though I met with her, it didn't make things a whole lot more clearer. I felt like a total idiot, like I should know this stuff. She told me though, that teachers look at how much a student is trying, besides having the work right. She's a very nice person. She gave me a hug when she came into the library and told me she would like to keep in touch with me after this class ends. I have to remember it's been 30 years since I've taken algebra. Even then, they did things so much different than what they do now. Cin, I sure could use your brains here! Too bad we don't all live closer to each other. You know the truth is, I always need some deep-seated reason for things, and in algebra there is no rhyme or reason to how to get the answers. They are worked out they way they are, just because they are. It's like when I got into recovery, they say "it's a simple program for complicated people." And I think that's how I am-complicated. I did so well in my philosophy class, and in my psychology classes, because there's always that search for a reason. And that's the way I like it.

Today is a new day. Yesterday was a rough one for me. I felt like a failure, like I should be able to handle anything I take on. Today, I know that I can handle what I'm supposed to handle. And right now, that's the algebra and the Child and Adolescent Psychology, which btw, is a tough class also. So right now I've got all I can handle. But hey, next week is the 1/2 way point for these classes. Having eight-week long classes is hard, because there's still all the work of a 15-week semester crammed into them. But I'm trying to see it for good, telling myself how fast the classes go by.

As for that nasty fungal thing (the yeast) I'm sure it's caused from the antibiotics I was prescribed for the sinus/chest thing. I called my doc yesterday and told the receptionist "I can go to the drugstore and pick up something for this, but it sure would help me out financially if Dr. Z. could call something in." So she talked to him and told me they would call in some Diflucan. I need to go pick that up and get started on it. I wonder why, btw, the companies have to make things that women need (kits to clear up the yeast, tampons etc) so expensive?! That's such a rip-off and an extra burden. OK, I'm starting to turn melodramatic again.

I hope all you ladies have a nice day. I'm going to check out a few more threads and eat breakfast and get started with a new day.

I am not jumping around today, still calm, kinda like when you know Christmas is coming but you've still got to wait? That's how I feel. I just can't believe this is happening, yep, I'm suffering the "too good to be true" thing. This man wants to take care of me. He wants me to meet his sister and friends. He doesn't want to wait until next week to see me. He has his girls this weekend, so he is going see me Thursday night. Already I've told him I feel bad that he keeps driving so far to see me, but in a few weeks he'll be close by in his new home. I wonder if he'll let Cheech come over and visit, too?

Tendai, I started laughing and smiling when I read your post! LOL Just do a mean chair dance for me, GF, but don't knock yourself out! Glad you posted, I was thinking about you last night.

Drag~ Oh goodness! You left the gas on? I am such a chicken shit, I have never lit a match in my life, always hated using gas stoves at friend's homes, and to this day have not started a grill outside for cooking. I am afraid I will blow my ass up. Hopefully, you're on high alert now to cover your tracks and be careful! If you didn't post again, I don't know what we would do here!

BT~ Please don't feel like a failure. I have learned that getting older with this virus, I have to slow the hell down and be gentle on myself. I still don't know how I'm going to be able to get up early and work at a new job. I keep telling myself I'll get up early "tomorrow" and it doesn't happen. Crap. Plus, you are taking classes. I never worked and took classes at the same time, and I was 17 and HIV- back then. I just knew better than to push myself so hard. Yeah, its kind of sexy that Iceman has a Harley, but he might need something more powerful than 1500cc's in between his legs! LOL Give me time! Its different, being so open with him, I could've done the nasty last night, np, but I have been taking it slow, and he is respectful of that. Ah, like Drag said, "Bliss." Its nice to be respected by a man for more than just being a hole in one, you know?

Iceman sent me a sweet email today, it really made me think. He wrote: "If I had to dream of a partner that was everything a man wanted, it would completely pale in comparison to the girl I have met. Cindy, I believe I met you for a reason, and in time more will be revealed."

Ok, lots of mush there, and I had better wake up already. There's a great man who wants to be part of my life now. As far as the Hep, he is undetectable, did the treatment about 1-1/2 years ago. Amazing since he's prob had Hep since the 80s, and had two kids during that time too. How could they have missed diagnosing it for so long? Wish I looked as healthy as him!

I have a phone interview today at 3pm, so I need to get ready for that. I said I would get out and take Cheech for a hike, but its cloudy here today. Besides, Cheech is content, laying on the floor behind me sleeping. Such a good doggie! I would cry to Cheech last spring after Casie passed, and I would tell him, don't leave Mommie until a good man comes along to take over your job! Can't help but be a little nervous with Iceman around now, don't want to lose my Cheech! He is 13yrs 9mos now.

OMG OMG OMG, I am so happy for you Cindy. I was skipping over posts just to see how your night went. And then to find out he has Hep, oh wow. Not saying it's great that he has it but he can truly relate to you. I am totally speechless I am so fucking happy for you. Ok, I may need to roll one just to calm the hell down... It's onward and upwards for you, gf, now if the job comes, you will be set!!!!!!

Tendai-- Girl, I was wondering what happened to you. Blink and you're here...

Betty--- Sorry you had to quit your job but your health is more important. I'm glad that your teacher is working with you with the algebra. I just want you to get better and will be sending healing vibes your way.

NY-- Now you see what I meant by my last post regarding Mr. Military. I know you are feeling pretty down but girl, cut your losses with this guy. If you're going to put any energy into him then use it to make sure he mans up on his responsibilities to your child. You see he isn't going to do it and he still is about playing games. Put your energies towards bringing this new baby into this world. You need a man not a boy in your life. And that man will come when you least expect it. It's time to do YOU.

Dragonette--- You ok over there? You're getting me worried a bit with the forgetfulness and the stuff about the gas being on. Please be more careful.

Sara--- I don't know how I missed what you are going through. I know getting on meds can be a scary thing but they are here to help. I was worried about side effects and all that stuff. But look at the alternative if you don't, is what I am saying here. Your body can only do so much against this virus. I was blessed enough to make it 10 years without meds but realized that my body needs help. Starting the meds doesn't mean it's the end. Just think about it is what I am saying here.

Ok, it's getting time for me to wind this up. Cable guy is suppose to be coming out here to check my wireless connection then Rico is suppose to be stopping over later. Before I go, I just wanted to thank you all for being understanding towards me concerning my disclosure with Rico. I appreciate the support. Just know that I will disclose to him. I am just waiting for the right time to do so. Much love and big hugs to you all......

Whew hewwww ..... good news from the Iceman, Cindy !!!! I was so excited when I read your post. People can be so amazing, huh ?

Queen and Betty ... oops, sorry for any confusion. I'm not starting meds .... I'm just scared to get my bloodwork. The whole story is actually that they think I might be a Long Term Non Progressor because I have never shown a viral load and have never been on meds. But I'm scared every time I go in for bloodwork that my numbers are gonna crash. I'll never know I guess. So that's the background .... when I said I'm scared of what they will tell me next, I meant that the last time I got scary news it was that I was unexpectedly HIV positive.

I'll have to write my whole story one of these days ... but it's not really a dating thread story.

I am really happy and chilled today - wonder if it's b/c Cindy's taken care of? I know, I can be very forgetful, when i called myself a scatterbrain I wasn't exaggurating. Anyway the good thing is I can watch the same movie 4-5 times and still be surprised.

I have nothing special to report. I still get that Christmas feeling you talk about Cin (even though i don't celebrate Christmas). I still can't believe it sometimes. Between this stress and that stress I realize I am happy, unless there is some drqmatic event or anxiety gets a hold on me. It is possible to be sad and happy at once and I have a feeling you have finally found a partner to enable all those things, a really well rounded character, I like him already (casting Bruce Willis in my mind).

Sara, I have never been scared of blood draws until I started getting detectable while on meds. but I tell myself better find out so you can do something about it, and luckily you're in a position to do a lot about it.

Betty, hope youť better with the cough and all. Did you see the doctor?

Well, I went through my emotional breakdown last night. Slept like shit and cried my eyes out, and although I'm still a bit sad today I think it's time to move on. I usually have a tendancy to force myself to just smile and push through things like this but I think I really needed to just break down last night. It wasn't all about Mr. Military. I think his actions just put me over the edge so to speak. I think my total breakdown was a combo of all the BS I have been through in the past few months. Starting with Mr. Militarys cheating ways, to my pregnancy, diagnosis and ending once again with Militarys BS. But I allowed myself to cry, vent and just lose it. Now it's time to move on.

On to a new issue. My dissability insurance. They just informed me that they may not cover me just yet because there technically is still 4 weeks before my due date and they normaly don't pay for maternity leave until two weeks before your due date. Problem is my job is very physically demanding. I guess I have two choices, find another source of income or go back to work (which will be hell). So now it's time to put the old BS behind me and take on the new BS. Just gotta keep moving foward girls!

Thanks for all your words of support. I'm off to jump back into the real world and do some school work. Time to get my shit together and stop letting the actions of others hold me back. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll be back later!

Just jumping in real quick before Rico gets here. I leave the door open downstairs or he calls to tell me he is on his way. So, I have a little time to comment here and there.

NY- I know what you mean about the BS, it all builds up and then there is a flood. I am the same way. Yep, it is time to move on to better and brighter things, just keep that in mind.

Sara-- I guess I just went from Betty's post, sorry about that. Well, blood work isn't that bad, sounds like you are doing good. Why not be proactive about your health instead of waiting for the shoe to drop. Even if you weren't poz, your health is a good thing to keep an eye on.

Dragonette-- You are on point with my emotions because I am really starting to like Rico. I am keeping them in check til I can talk further with him about things. I like to know where a person's mind is on things just not disclosure. But I do enjoy his company.

The whole story is actually that they think I might be a Long Term Non Progressor because I have never shown a viral load and have never been on meds. But I'm scared every time I go in for bloodwork that my numbers are gonna crash.

Sara,

If you are an LTNP, and the pro's at NIH seem to make this assessment earlier than the 8-10 years that was the proof standard, I hope you'll contact Bruce Walker's program at MGH to see if you can participate. You'll either be an Elite (which is likely since you described never having shown a viral load) or a Viremic Controller based on numbers/duration.

And the fear thing, or intense concern is perhaps more accurate, is part of being an LTNP--perfectly normal and understandable. There are no guarantees so you will always wonder if this is the time your numbers will go south.

Just keep doing whatever the doc wants, quarterlies or every six months. You may be able to negotiate getting your results over the phone and then skipping appointments if your team realizes you're being responsible. It's sort of a reward to you and to them as they can usually fill the slot with another patient. That's how I approach it...I tell them I'd prefer to give my appointment to someone who needs it more than I. Consequently, I'm on a six-month face-to-face with my ID doc.

I urge you to get involved in research as it helps favorably offset the regular wonder-if-it's-this-time quarterly head vise.

Hello ladies. Em, I see you posted but didn't say how you are doing. Hope you are well. Betty, sorry you had to quit your job but that sounds like the best move for you. Try for a couple shifts a week when you get to feeling better. ML , glad your disclosure went so well . Queen , hope yours goes as well. Glad ya'll are finding love. I am okay. Yes, when we do parties larger than 8 we automatically 18%. Work is going well, picking up and I have decided not to date my negative friend. Nice guy, just can't do it. My brother is going home next week,I can hang til then. Hope everyone is well. Later, Cristy

Sara, I misunderstood. I thought you were worried about going on meds. Blood draws are at the most inconvenient for my anymore. I wish someone would come over and do it so I wouldn't have to go to the lab and wait, but I know they're needed to see how my body's doing. I remember one time they took out 16 vials. There were three different doctors that needed tests.

Em, good to see you posting again! How are you doing? Anything new going on?

As for me, I went to my Child & Adolescent Psychology class tonight. I like that class better than the algebra. We were talking about brain injuries. Well, when I went into the coma (from having a bladder infection where the poison got into my bloodstream) I flatlined. I was "gone" for a few minutes, as the decision was being made to use the paddles to revive me. Then the last relationship I was in, the guy pushed me down a flight of stairs and I ended up pretty messed up. I don't know if this caused permanent damage or not. If it did, that could be the explanation as to why I don't get algebra (the left side of the brain controls math/logic and that might have been damaged). I mean, the teacher can show me how to solve a problem and I don't understand it when it's right in front of me. I suppose I will talk to my doctor when I see him on the 28th. Speaking of labs...... I need to get some drawn. Guess that's on my to-do list for tomorrow.

Viv, you are a brave, underpaid woman. Bless you girl. You have way more patience than I do.

Sara, I'm jealous. I wish I could come up with the cash for a color. My roots are 3 inches long. I haven't had a color since February. I totally understand about the appointments. If mine weren't set before I leave, I would never go. The first one was set up through the pregnancy clinic or I wouldn't have made that one either. My next (second) appointment is in two weeks. I am so nervous.

Weak and queasy? Weren't you turning in early a few nights ago, too? Are you OK?

Yes, I have turned in early a lot lately. That is very strange for me because I am usually such a night person. I'm not sure what is going on with me but being so new to all this I automatically think the worst. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

OMG! I am so happy for you. I never would have thought telling someone could go so well. Be on cloud 9 girl. You deserve to float.

Betty, my first thought was to tell you that you are not a failure because you are not. You sound so much like me. I am constantly using the words "failure" and "stupid". I hold standards way high for myself and from reading your post it sounds like you do to. BTW, I don't get algebra either, even when they explain it really slow and I have never had a head trauma.

Nothing major going on here. I felt better today physically but still not what I call great. I'll check in later.

Editted for Queen. I am so sorry I missed your news yesterday. Undetectable! I am so happy for you. I hope all goes well with Rico tonight. I will be looking for details tomorrow.