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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Got Crabs?

A few days ago, I went to a nearby pet store to pick up a new fake plant for my little friend Alpha, the Betta. While at the store, I stopped to watch the kittens swat at shoelaces, the birds crap in their cages and the puppies sleep in their cubicles. After getting my daily dose of cute, I made my way towards the cash register when I was suddenly stopped in my tracks. Before me sat a wondrously elaborate aquarium stocked with the cast of Spongebob Square Pants including Gari the snail (my personal favorite) and a pineapple under the sea . In addition to the set of Spongebob, this tank also had a pirate ship and a treasure chest with its very own skeleton guard. I was jealous. What could be contained in such an amazing aquarium? HERMIT CRABS!

Arguably more interesting than a goldfish (though I doubt it), I view hermit crabs as being less of a pet than other common pets such as dogs or hamsters. Perhaps the degree of petness is determined by the range of motion. When was the last time you saw a hermit crab run to fetch a stick? Better yet, when was the last time you saw a hermit crab run? If animals had an election, a hermit crabs vote would definitely count for less than a Siberian huskies vote without a doubt. And yet, here I was, standing in front of this tank whose size in comparison to the crabs put the President's White House to shame. Bastard crabs...

It is with this opinion of hermit crabs in mind that I direct your attention to PETA's newest campaign. PETA is calling for the freeing of all hermit crabs. Believing that "hermit crabs want to live free in the sunshine" and perhaps sip little hermit crab cocktails, PETA is asking children to "never buy a hermit crab or support a store that sells them". Alas, what shall we do if the option of owning the most excellent hermit crab is taken away from us? With the exception of the dead pets, no pet sits in one spot nearly as well as the hermit crab...When asked what he thought about PETA's hermit crab campaign, Laurence, the leader of the crabs at the particular pet store near me, had this to say:

Sure I like to sit out in the sun and drink fruity cocktail drinks. My friend, Jeremy, just threw a wicked kegger actually. We crabs do love our keggers. In this respect, PETA is right, but they seem to forget that even we wild and crazy hermit crabs need to settle down eventually. My wife keeps telling me that we should move into a smaller aquarium with more fake plants and day-glo pebbles. Someday, I hope to make her dream a reality.

After hearing this, I can't help but think that maybe PETA is wrong. Maybe hermit crabs don't mind being confined in tanks with many prime shell choices available to them, but then I remember that PETA exists to protect the downtrodden creatures of this world and therefore, they must know what they are doing. If you ever doubt the beliefs of PETA in regards to the freeing of hermit crabs, just remember that "every crab in every tourist shop and pet store was ripped away from his or her home and family". This image of injustice should be enough to keep you in line with PETA's campaign. Once you have pledged your allegiance to PETA, go out and deliberately not purchase any hermit crabs from pet stores. This may be tough for most of you considering the high level of cuteness that these crabs possess, but hang tough. Although, the crabs that go unsold will probably die in the store and the manager will have to order more crabs to replace their dead brethren, but this is a small set back. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Through word of mouth, more people shall join this campaign for the freeing of hermit crabs and soon enough, pet stores will hear cease their participation in this barbaric trade. Viva PETA! Viva la crustacean!