The Who-Keeps-The-Ring Conundrum

What to make of being denied the sleep-over

Dating terms defined: “self-preservation”

I heard it three different times in three different ways over the course of a single week.

“I’m starting to like him a lot, I know I need to take it slow. You know…self-preservation…”

“If he ever texts me back, fine, but I’m not contacting him again. At a certain point it becomes self-preservation time.”

“My whole focus with this OKCupid thing is self-preservation.”

A noun in all circumstances (right?), but used in three different scenarios for three very different people. The first: a gay man in the first few weeks of dating someone new; the second a straight, female seasoned in the dating department; and the third a straight female venturing into the online dating pool. All are highly intelligent people with a strong command over English (and in one case Spanish) vocab, and yet I think they may mean three very different things.

I decided the easiest way to start the decoding process would be to take out the term self-preservation in each of their sentences and replace it with other words that attempt to provide a clearer meaning. And for these incredible detective skills I’d like to thank the producers of the robbed-from-critical-acclaim CTW program, GHOST WRITER (in which I may or may not have appeared as Extra #32 in episode #19).

Example #1.

“I’m starting to like him a lot, I know I need to take it slow. You know…protect yourself…”

“I’m starting to like him a lot, I know I need to take it slow. You know…cover your ass…”

(Not that many options for this one).

Example #2

“If he ever texts me back, fine, but I’m not contacting him again. At a certain point it becomes ‘fool me once…’ time.”

“If he ever texts me back, fine, but I’m not contacting him again. At a certain point it becomes ‘me‘ time.”

“If he ever texts me back, fine, but I’m not contacting him again. At a certain point it becomes save your dignity time.”

So we’ve determined that self-preservation means covering your ass, protecting yourself, and maintaining your dignity. In essence, doing whatever it takes to get the least amount of hurt. It is the way many slash most of us go about our dating lives. We do not wear our hearts on our sleeves, we do not take massive leaps of faith, we do not let people walk all over us. We are – of course – concerned with taking the necessary steps toward finding the right person, but when those steps start to jeopardize persona numero uno, we run a strong defense.

Phrase: defined. Proper usage: I’m afraid that part is somewhat confused. See there are times when it’s appropriate to run the self-preservation play and there are times when that self-defense spirit is preventing the game from being played at all. In short, you can preserve yourself too much. Here are my thoughts and examples on the matter:

Keeping your online dating profile as bland and simple as possible in an effort to keep your full personality under wraps so you don’t get rejected by too many guys: INCORRECT

Leaving off the fact that you’re looking to be married within two years, can’t stand sports of any kind and are completely married to your work: CORRECT

Not contacting someone again after you’ve left the contact ball in their court following a first or second date: CORRECT

Waiting at least three hours to return text from someone following a first or second date sos to not seem to eager: INCORRECT

Gathering your five closest friends for a brunch to discuss the tactics by which you will get the new person you’re dating to marry you within two years: INCORRECT

Telling just a few people about the new person you’re dating because it’s just too embarrassing to tell them all it didn’t work out if slash when it doesn’t: CORRECT

Having tested out each and one of these examples over the course of my own dating adventures, I can tell you that the corresponding advice is accurate.

So preserve yourself, by all means. No one knows you better, and no one has your best interests more in mind. But when that word that could replace self-preservation in your dating scenario sentence could be, wearing a metal shield; making myself completely unavailable; or playing very confusing games – things shift from self-preservation to self-prevention. And that’s not a hyphenated compound word that’ll serve you well in the dating world.

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3 comments

Or in any relationship, Jessie. People do this with potential friends as well. They are so busy trying not to get hurt, they hurt other people. So then self-preservation at some point becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy …

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