February 13, 2012

Oh, The Toddler. The light of your life, the bane of your existence. Born with the genetics to perfectly infuriate at least two full-grown adults simultaneously. No matter how different the buttons of two parents are, The Toddler can push them all.

With today's advances in genetics and cloning, the Army should be taking advantage of this. Just get a sample of DNA from whatever enemy you wish to defeat and create a ton of clones. Wait until they're two, then send them in to wreak havoc. Make sure half of them are tired and hungry and tell the other half they are going to a birthday party and the mean man has hidden the cake. Guaranteed victory in five minutes or less.

But then what do you do with 1,000 tiny Hitlers? Since everyone knows that clones age extremely rapidly, they will all die of natural causes before their "third" birthday.

The Modern Toddler

Emotional instability allows The Toddler to go from hugging you, to slapping you in the face, to laughing hysterically at nothing in particular before you even know what has happened.

Short attention spans make incessantly repeating the same annoying behavior an art form.

With their selective memory and uncanny knack for inappropriateness, The Toddler will forget every rule you've ever told them. However, they will remember exactly that rude thing you accidentally said in the kitchen the day before when you dropped an entire sandwich on the floor, the dog ate it in one bite, and then immediately puked it back up and repeat it in the grocery store...at top volume.

Attempts to reward good behavior with praise will earn you the response, "you're welcome!" to let you know that they were, in fact, rewarding you.

What evil lurks in the mind of The Toddler? Let's hope we never see the full extent.