ACT 1:MONOLOGUE- "A tourist stopped me today and said, 'I watch your show on and off. ' I said, 'How do you like it?' She said, 'Off.'"
- "Alex Rodriguez turns 38 on Saturday. If you want to get him something, you can't go wrong with clean urine."
- "Last year, A-Rod blew out all the candles and strained his right quad."
- "Following the Whitey Bulger trial up in Boston? Whitey Bulger . . . isn't that one of Anthony Weiner's screen names?"

There's an amazing photo of earth form way out by Saturn. Did you see the announcement from NASA?
ANNOUNCE: "NASA is gratified by the positive response to the photo of Earth from 900 million miles away." (we see a tiny dot, earth, in space pointed out by a huge arrow) This vindicates last year's 54 billion dollar mission to deploy a giant arrow pointing to earth.
NASA - Like he Post Office in Space"

Remember, he's not Anthony Weiner, he's Carlos Danger. We see a "Carlos Danger" graphic fly in, followed by "Gaucho of Love," accompanied by a short jingle and sting from Paul and the band, along with a whipsnap.

Earlier today, Dave was flipping through the channels and he saw the craziest thing. Talk about striking while the iron is hot. We take a look at what Dave is talking.
We see footage of the opening credits of a Spanish Soap Opera. The cast is introduced. One character is Anthony Weiner in a pencil-thin mustache. The credit reads:
"Y la introduccion de
Anthony Weiner
Como
Carlos Danger."
Oh, he's going to be fun! C'mon, New York City, elect this guy!

And, hey, how 'bout that Royal Baby!
"Royal Baby" graphic flies in, followed by "Heir To The Throne," accompanied by a short jingle from Paul and the band.

There's fascinating new information about how dolphins communicate. We take a look.
ART CARD: HOW DOLPHINS COMMUNICATEANNOUNCE: "Scientists studying sounds made by dolphins have determined that certain distinct whistles are in fact dolphins' names for other dolphins. Also, other cries have meanings, such as: 'What are you doing up so late?' or 'Do you think I'm hot?'"
Cut to an announce from Anthony Weiner.
ANNOUNCE: 2: "Anthony Weiner acknowledges having had inappropriate conversations with various marine mammals, including dolphins. He regrets these transgressions which are now behind him. Carlos Danger: The Right Choice For Mayor"

ACT 2:It's Thursday night, so you know what that means . . . time for Charts and Graphs.
CHARTS AND GRAPHS- HOW MANY TIMES HAVE LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOSTS THOUGHT ABOUT SCOTT PELLEY NAKED?Zero - Jimmy Kimmel/Jimmy Fallon/Dave Letterman/Jay Leno/Craig Ferguson.
Dave thinks a minute. Suddenly his 0% bar slowly rises to 1.

WHY DO YOU FOLLOW THE POPE ON TWITTER?35% - To read his comforting words during hardships
24% - To see if he's traveling to my country
41% - To read the 'djoy' his dead says

PEOPLE MOST UPSET BY ANTHONY WEINER'S LATEST SCANDAL52% - His family
47% - His supporters
1% - Guys named Carlos Danger

Paul follows that with his Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love jingle and sting.

ACT 3:TOP TEN: BAD PRESS CONFERENCE OPENING LINES - Anthony Weiner held a press conference on Tuesday to admit to his sexting as Carlos Danger.
He opened with: "I have said that other texts and photos were likely to come out, and today they have."
9. "My pants will be arriving shortly."
7. "It was never my intention to get caught"
5. "I'll keep this short because I need to flee the country."

REGIS PHILBINThere was a recent tribute at the Waldorf Astoria here in New York City for Don Rickles. Everyone was there, but not Dave. Rickles wondered why Dave wasn't there. Regis covered for him and said he never shows up for these. Dave says he doesn't like to go because every time he attends, he bombs out terribly. Nothing works, nothing fits.

Dave has some classic photos of Regis from the good ol' days. First up is Regis and Joey Bishop standing in front of the Brown Derby restaurant. Dave raves that Regis looks like . . . . Vic Elford. And who is Vic Elford? Nobody knows, not even Dave. Back in the shack, we put in a quick google check. Down in the control room, the same is being done. In seconds we have the info: Vic Elford is a former Formula One driver who made his debut in 1968. We included a photo of Vic Elford and printed a copy. But our copier was calibrating. And when our copier is calibrating, it can take minutes to finish. Why the copier decides to calibrate when it does, I have no idea. Meanwhile, I know the Control Room is going to get the info to Dave before us. Dang!
We see another photo of Regis and Joey Bishop. And then a third photo of Regis, Joey Bishop, and the great Jack Benny. Dave shares a story of once seeing Jack Benny walking with his agent . . . . . his agent . . . . his famous agent . . . . Dave can't place the name and Paul jumps in with, "Irving Fine." Back in the shack, we quickly attempt to get some info on Irving Fein. I didn't think Dave would want this information and I'm glad I didn't run it out. Looking at it now, a day later, I realized I was given information on Irving Fine, an American composer. We wanted Irving Fein, (from the Wiki), (June 21, 1911 - August 10, 2012) was an Emmy Award winning American television and film producer, and the longtime manager of entertainers Jack Benny and George Burns

Back from commercial, Dave and Regis sit and talk about ailments they are battling. Regis has had problems with his hip, Dave and Regis share bypass stories. Dave's words of soothing before Regis triple bypass: they'll crack your chest open like a lobster.

Regis is about to start off on new venture as host of "Crowd Goes Wild," a sports show on FOX Sports 1, weekdays at 5:00 PM, beginning August 19th. I think I'll try to get a direct phone line to him for some desk chat jokes. I think the New York Jets could provide some fodder.

ACT 5:ANNOUNCE:
"It's all happening here tomorrow as Dave welcomes Bruce Willis, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, and Valerie Simpson. Here's a question: Do Massachusetts members of the Flat Earth Society subscribe to the Boston Globe?
Stay here."

ACT 6:Big entertainment news, the Batman and Superman franchises are joining forces in one big movie. They released this trailer. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "You loved the Dark Knight. You loved the Man of Steel. Now these to superheroes become one in an explosive blockbuster event. Batman and Superman are now: Bat-Super!"Cut to an interior door. Doorbells rings. Door opens. We find half Batman / half Superman with a toolbox.
BAT-SUPER: "I'm here to fix your sink."
ANNOUNCE: "'Bat-Super': coming soon."

ACT 7:TERRY FATORThe impressionist, ventriloquist, and comedian is one of the biggest acts in Las Vegas and the winner of America's Got Talent. He's the headliner at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Vegas, and Friday night you can see him at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center in Newark, New Jersey.
Tonight, Terry and his supporting cast of puppets performed "Natural Woman" as Aretha Franklin, "What A Wonderful World" as Aaron Neville and Louis Armstrong, and "Love Me Tender" as Elvis Presley. And the crowd went wild.

And that was our show for Thursday July 25, 2013.

Here's something I don't quite get. Newspaper editors here in the city are calling for Anthony Weiner to step down from his run for mayor. They believe that his being in the race will only take away from the serious issues that need to be addressed by the candidates. Weiner will be a distraction. Yet the newspapers and the local news continue to splash Weiner across the front page every day and the TV news leads with him. Yes, Anthony Weiner may be bad for the political season, but his indiscretions sell newspapers!
My guess is they are pretending they want Weiner to drop out. He's too good for business.
And when the media says there is too much coverage of the Royal Baby or the Anthony Weiner debacle, whose fault is that?

From the Tuesday, April 30, 2013 Wahoo Gazette...
I was talking about my springtime plantings:
"The big story in these parts is the impatiens, an easy-for-beginners plant. They've become infested with rot and you can't grow them. It's gotten worse these past few years and now it has become epidemic. The impatiens is flora non grata."

Instead of the impatiens, I went out and bought some of the more expensive plants at the local nursery. I liked the impatiens because they were cheap and easy to grow but I felt I had to go with some flowers that were double the cost of the impatiens. The reports were that these plants would do fine. Three months later, my expensive flowers are doing quite well. But back in April I also bought some impatiens. No one else was buying them because they knew of the disease rot lurking within. And three months later, my impatiens are thriving and striving just as well as the more expensive plants; not a rot among the lot. My suspicious and conspiratorial mind is telling me that there was NO problem with the impatiens plants. I think the nurseries and plant people were just saying there was a problem with the inexpensive impatience to force the newbies on the block to buy the more expensive plants and flowers. Anybody else in the northeast have success with their impatiens? Is anybody still reading this?