SUMMERTIME MEANS BASEBALL, the most celebrated warm-weather
preoccupation of all.

And while long-distance viewing from the comfort of your living
room is satisfactory for most occasions, there's no substitute
for actually being at the ballpark.

...The sound of the announcer's voice introducing the players,
the bark of vendors hawking their wares, the dubbed pipe organ
reminding us of another era, the seventh-inning stretch and the
obligatory chiming in on "Take Me Out To the Ballgame,"
the food....

The food? What's so great about hot dogs, the contents of which,
once revealed, have driven countless minions into vegetarianism?

If this is your knee-jerk reaction, you're missing out on some
major minor-league fun. Ballpark food across the nation has entered
a new era, one transcending its plebeian origins of peanuts, hot
dogs and beer. Depending on the site, you can find some pretty
impressive examples of regional cuisine at the old ballpark.

You might find fresh seafood at some East Coast ballparks, sushi
and wine coolers in California, and tacos with all the trimmings
in Texas.

And, by the way, what's the matter with hotdogs and beer? It's
not the healthiest diet in the world, but if it were irrevocably
lethal, baseball fans would have been dropping like flies for
the greater part of the last century.

Part of the fun of going to the ballpark is the endearingly familiar
food you'll find there, the very same food that was there when
you were a kid. I know it's not good for me, but I love the stuff.

In Tucson, the lure of baseball emanates from Hi Corbett Field,
home of our very own Tucson Toros. Intrigued by a rumor of seat-side
waitress service, I moseyed on out to the ballpark one fair summer
evening to see if the food there had kept pace with the times.

For food service, you must sit in the lower box seats, which
will increase your ticket cost to eight bucks a person. Check
the appropriate boxes on the handy yellow menu, wave it above
your head, and theoretically, your waitress will take your order
while you kick back to enjoy the game.

Sound good? I thought so too. But in reality, seat-side service
is only feasible for those with teeny appetites and an inordinate
amount of patience. This was not the case with our group, many
of whom had rushed to the ballpark after a full day's work and
were eagerly anticipating slaking a powerful thirst and a gnawing
hunger.

As we made our selections, we little suspected we were in for
a long and uncomfortable wait.

A sign that the times were a changin', perhaps, was that no one
ordered the infamous hotdog ($2), instead opting for a grilled
bratwurst ($3), as well as a few requests for the grilled chicken
sandwich ($3.50). Our other options were a hamburger ($3), Polish
sausage ($3) or a Pizza Hut personal pan pizza ($3).

The bratwurst was adequate, though completely unadorned and accompanied
only by small packets of ketchup and mustard, which utterly failed
to complement or elicit the brat's flavors. Where are the grilled
peppers and onions when you need them?

The grilled chicken was surprisingly good, however, consisting
of moist and lightly seasoned boneless breast meat served on a
bun with shredded lettuce, sliced tomato and mayonnaise.

There's no question that one of us could have walked to the concession
stands and returned with food and drink at a faster pace than
our server mustered. Nevertheless, we never had to budge from
our seats.

Obtaining food and drink thus became a tricky balancing act.
If we were truly hungry or thirsty, we decided it was easier to
forget the seat-side service and make the trip ourselves.

As the evening wore on, however, the question became moot. Our
waitress eventually lost all interest in us, and the most frequent
view we had of her was her back and her blonde ponytail, which
bobbed perkily as she conversed with her fellow male servers,
who were equally impervious to the sea of yellow menus waving
frantically below them.

We were forced at that point to take our pursuit of gluttony
out to the various concession stands, where we feasted on cotton
candy ($1), a soft pretzel ($2), nachos ($2.25), peanuts ($1)
and a large lemon Eegee ($2). Disappointingly, there were no Baby
Ruths or Butterfingers to be found.