family vacation -1

We have a situation brewing here and I would like to know how people feel about this. I am literally on the fence somedays I feel one way, somedays the other. The situation is that our 4 year old foster child is special needs. He has MAJOR tantrums. These are not by any means normal 4 year old tantrums. He cannot be negotiated out of them, and he can literally ruin entire days with meltdowns - then he can turn around and have 3 straight days of perfection. You never can see what's coming. We will be headed to court on June 28th for his case to move to adoption. We leave for vacation in July. Through foster care we have something called respite. Where he -could- go and spend the week with another foster family OR we can take him with us. I don't know what to do. On one hand I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from dealing with him, I know in the coming years things will ease up but right now a week away without him sounds dreamy. On the other hand if we do get released to adopt him, he is then part of our family, our child. What can I say to him when he is older and sees the pictures of DH, and I with his two baby brothers (18months and 15 months) at the beach and not him. Although I need a break desperately I also do NOT want to put a ax into our lives later and make him feel like we seperated him. I also know DH needs this break from him as well. My whole family is pushing us to leave him home, they know him and his needs and know we are chancing ruining our vacation if he has a bad week. But the mommy in me wants to make sure he knows he is part of this family....ahhh what would you do?

We have a situation brewing here and I would like to know how people feel about this. I am literally on the fence somedays I feel one way, somedays the other. The situation is that our 4 year old foster child is special needs. He has MAJOR tantrums. These are not by any means normal 4 year old tantrums. He cannot be negotiated out of them, and he can literally ruin entire days with meltdowns - then he can turn around and have 3 straight days of perfection. You never can see what's coming. We will be headed to court on June 28th for his case to move to adoption. We leave for vacation in July. Through foster care we have something called respite. Where he -could- go and spend the week with another foster family OR we can take him with us. I don't know what to do. On one hand I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from dealing with him, I know in the coming years things will ease up but right now a week away without him sounds dreamy. On the other hand if we do get released to adopt him, he is then part of our family, our child. What can I say to him when he is older and sees the pictures of DH, and I with his two baby brothers (18months and 15 months) at the beach and not him. Although I need a break desperately I also do NOT want to put a ax into our lives later and make him feel like we seperated him. I also know DH needs this break from him as well. My whole family is pushing us to leave him home, they know him and his needs and know we are chancing ruining our vacation if he has a bad week. But the mommy in me wants to make sure he knows he is part of this family....ahhh what would you do?

First of all, I have so much respect for you to take on a child with behavioral issues. I don't know what his history is but you might just be saving his life and that is an awesome thing. I've worked around kids like that for a while and I know how difficult and exhausting it can be so please don't feel bad for feeling like you need a break. That being said I would still take him. He is a part of your family and he's obviously been through some things that his mind can't handle. I don't think leaving him with another family while everyone else in his family goes is going to help him with anything. If you were leaving the other 2 kids home also I wouldn't see the issue but excluding just him when he seems to be fragile already could do more damage than you think. Do you think maybe you could bring a sitter with you or a family member so if he does have a bad day someone can stay back with him and it doesn't ruin the rest of the vacation?

First of all, I have so much respect for you to take on a child with behavioral issues. I don't know what his history is but you might just be saving his life and that is an awesome thing. I've worked around kids like that for a while and I know how difficult and exhausting it can be so please don't feel bad for feeling like you need a break. That being said I would still take him. He is a part of your family and he's obviously been through some things that his mind can't handle. I don't think leaving him with another family while everyone else in his family goes is going to help him with anything. If you were leaving the other 2 kids home also I wouldn't see the issue but excluding just him when he seems to be fragile already could do more damage than you think. Do you think maybe you could bring a sitter with you or a family member so if he does have a bad day someone can stay back with him and it doesn't ruin the rest of the vacation?

Being blunt, he's either part of the family or he isn't. If he was your bio-child, or if he was already adopted, you wouldn't be able to send him away to get a quiet vacation. And what if he feels rejected, and this sends him further back, behaviour-wise? I feel for you, I really do, but I think taking him is the right thing to do.

Being blunt, he's either part of the family or he isn't. If he was your bio-child, or if he was already adopted, you wouldn't be able to send him away to get a quiet vacation. And what if he feels rejected, and this sends him further back, behaviour-wise? I feel for you, I really do, but I think taking him is the right thing to do.

If your are seriously considering adopting him I would say take him. Those are things you are going to have to deal with after adoption and if you are willing to work with his needs for the rest of your life then why not on vacation also. I can understand the need to get away. Growing up, my parents were foster parents as well and it can be taxing to say the least and sometimes you have to take a time out and spend time without the foster kids. But unless it is going to be an adult only vacation then I would say take him if you are truly wanting to make him part of your family perminantly. Good luck in whatever you decide!

If your are seriously considering adopting him I would say take him. Those are things you are going to have to deal with after adoption and if you are willing to work with his needs for the rest of your life then why not on vacation also. I can understand the need to get away. Growing up, my parents were foster parents as well and it can be taxing to say the least and sometimes you have to take a time out and spend time without the foster kids. But unless it is going to be an adult only vacation then I would say take him if you are truly wanting to make him part of your family perminantly. Good luck in whatever you decide!

Take him along. You maybe amazed, a fresh environment might be what all of you need. He may not have melt downs.... A friend has a 3yr old who has challenges and whenever she's in a new environment she is a doll. It's worth it in the end! Take a sitter along so you and DH can get an evening to yourselves.

Take him along. You maybe amazed, a fresh environment might be what all of you need. He may not have melt downs.... A friend has a 3yr old who has challenges and whenever she's in a new environment she is a doll. It's worth it in the end! Take a sitter along so you and DH can get an evening to yourselves.

I have to agree with Parmaviolet. If you are thinking this, perhaps you don't see him as part of your family. I think it could be much more damaging for him. Also, if you exclude him from this vacation, perhaps you will want to do that with every vacation?

I have to agree with Parmaviolet. If you are thinking this, perhaps you don't see him as part of your family. I think it could be much more damaging for him. Also, if you exclude him from this vacation, perhaps you will want to do that with every vacation?

I'd take him along. If you need to use the respite care, do it when it's for just a day where you need to go shopping or have a night out with your spouse, and you're not taking any of the kids (you may have to have another sitter for them of course). Excluding him from the vacation would definitely be hard on him.

I'd take him along. If you need to use the respite care, do it when it's for just a day where you need to go shopping or have a night out with your spouse, and you're not taking any of the kids (you may have to have another sitter for them of course). Excluding him from the vacation would definitely be hard on him.

I don't think you can leave him behind. If you weren't planning on adopting him then it might be an option but family is family, through good times and bad. If you really need a break from him, perhaps you and your husband could split up and do separate activities sometimes on your holiday so that you each get a bit of time off.

I don't think you can leave him behind. If you weren't planning on adopting him then it might be an option but family is family, through good times and bad. If you really need a break from him, perhaps you and your husband could split up and do separate activities sometimes on your holiday so that you each get a bit of time off.

Can you squeeze in a separate weekend or overnight vacation with just DH? Having three young children is hard. You could use a break. Try to swing a mini adult vacation as well as a family vacation with the foster son.

Can you squeeze in a separate weekend or overnight vacation with just DH? Having three young children is hard. You could use a break. Try to swing a mini adult vacation as well as a family vacation with the foster son.

If you want to be a foster parent you have to commit 100% to that child. They should be treated as your biological child while they are in your care. So yes, you should absolutely take him, he's your son.

If you want to be a foster parent you have to commit 100% to that child. They should be treated as your biological child while they are in your care. So yes, you should absolutely take him, he's your son.

I do respite care for a family with 2 autistic kids but before I worked with this family I worked with another. I went on vacation with that family specifically so that if their autistic son had a major meltdown we could go back to the hotel and the family could continue their day. Is bringing someone like that an option for you?

I do respite care for a family with 2 autistic kids but before I worked with this family I worked with another. I went on vacation with that family specifically so that if their autistic son had a major meltdown we could go back to the hotel and the family could continue their day. Is bringing someone like that an option for you?

First, it's a family vacation, if he is and will be permanently part of your family you need to take him. Second, Is there anyway someone else can come along to help you out? To take him back to the room when he's having a meltdown? Or so you and your husband can take a night off and go out? Third, if you and your husband really need to relax then I would leave ALL the kids behind.

First, it's a family vacation, if he is and will be permanently part of your family you need to take him. Second, Is there anyway someone else can come along to help you out? To take him back to the room when he's having a meltdown? Or so you and your husband can take a night off and go out? Third, if you and your husband really need to relax then I would leave ALL the kids behind.

WE are planning to adopt him. But the judge may think otherwise. There is a chance on the 28th that his mom will get a 6 more months to try to fix her issues. The goal is to reunite him with his mom unless the judge denies RU at the hearing and places him in adoptive status. I want to clarify to that we do adore him. And we have advocated for him to the best of our abilities in the ways of education, his health and his mental well being.

WE are planning to adopt him. But the judge may think otherwise. There is a chance on the 28th that his mom will get a 6 more months to try to fix her issues. The goal is to reunite him with his mom unless the judge denies RU at the hearing and places him in adoptive status. I want to clarify to that we do adore him. And we have advocated for him to the best of our abilities in the ways of education, his health and his mental well being.

I do see him as my son, but I am admittedly gaurded, as I have foster little ones for years before even after being told adoption was looming just to have them taken away, so he is my son- but my heart is not all the way there yet, just to protect me.

I do see him as my son, but I am admittedly gaurded, as I have foster little ones for years before even after being told adoption was looming just to have them taken away, so he is my son- but my heart is not all the way there yet, just to protect me.

Oh how I wish :) part of the burn out problem with fostercare is that the kids can only stay with certain sitters (background, fingerprints DHS approved) and foster kids have to sleep at home (so that sitter would have to sleep here) between court for two fosters, 2 different visiting monthly social workers, therapy twice a week and bio family visits weekly, not to mention maintaining 40 hours of training a year...there is no way. There is actually a weekend training coming up where DH and I could spend all day in class but have evening to ourselves but I would need to get two respite providers and both would have to sleep over and I don't see being able to work that out because in our county respite is so hard to find, let alone two.

Oh how I wish :) part of the burn out problem with fostercare is that the kids can only stay with certain sitters (background, fingerprints DHS approved) and foster kids have to sleep at home (so that sitter would have to sleep here) between court for two fosters, 2 different visiting monthly social workers, therapy twice a week and bio family visits weekly, not to mention maintaining 40 hours of training a year...there is no way. There is actually a weekend training coming up where DH and I could spend all day in class but have evening to ourselves but I would need to get two respite providers and both would have to sleep over and I don't see being able to work that out because in our county respite is so hard to find, let alone two.

I don't think there's a choice here. You have to take him. Well, maybe the choice you need to make is whether you truly want to adopt him. I understand you need a break; I think parents of special needs children deserve all the praise we can give. I just don't think he needs to be left out, and you better get used to it.

I don't think there's a choice here. You have to take him. Well, maybe the choice you need to make is whether you truly want to adopt him. I understand you need a break; I think parents of special needs children deserve all the praise we can give. I just don't think he needs to be left out, and you better get used to it.

If the condo is going to be full of family couldn't he spend an evening or two with another family member? I don't know much about the rules when having a foster child so I don't know if that's a viable option. Is your family urging you to leave him behind cause you need a break or because they will be there and they don't want to deal with him? I can see needing a break, all parents do sometimes but if they want to exclude him for their own sake that's just crazy. I would hope that your whole family would love a boy that you hope to make your son.

If the condo is going to be full of family couldn't he spend an evening or two with another family member? I don't know much about the rules when having a foster child so I don't know if that's a viable option. Is your family urging you to leave him behind cause you need a break or because they will be there and they don't want to deal with him? I can see needing a break, all parents do sometimes but if they want to exclude him for their own sake that's just crazy. I would hope that your whole family would love a boy that you hope to make your son.

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