My Tiger Woods Press Conference.

This a picture from the CNN website of Tiger hugging someone who isn't me

I am announcing the opening of my virtual press conference on the Tiger Woods scandal and his press conference.

For a variety of reasons, I did not watch Tiger Woods’ press conference this morning. I went to a doctor’s appointment. When I left the appointment, I realized that it was close to the time Tiger would be taking control of the airwaves so I went to lunch and enjoyed a Tiger free burrito.

This morning, well before the blessed event, I had the TV on. I realized I could have my pick of opinions on Tiger’s situation and announcement from all kinds of experts on the matter.

I don’t know how one becomes an expert on such things. Since I don’t know, I am declaring myself an expert.

I’m certain CNN and all the other major news outlets will be in touch with me shortly, but I would like everyone to be able to have all their questions on Tiger’s situation answered as quickly as possible. As a public service, I’m making myself available here.

Please submit your questions in the comment section below and I will address them using my knowledge of:

the situation-I was not there for any part of it

the parties involved – I don’t know Tiger or anyone who he has slept with

psychology – I completed PSYC 101 at the University of Maryland in the Fall of 1979

the game of golf – I have played challenging courses including that one with the pirate ship and the one with dinosaurs

I’m happy to have this opportunity to put everyone’s minds at ease on this matter. Thanks for coming…first question please…?

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If I hadn't written this, I would use these to tell people I'd read it.

10 Comments on “My Tiger Woods Press Conference.”

He can’t go. Look at it this way. Tiger has been unemployed for months. He is living in a refrigerator box and attending rehab. When he can scrape together a little money he hikes out to a truck stop to take a shower.

Sure, he made a lot of money before this scandal got started. My estimate is that before the scandal he earned 7 trillion dollars, since then, nothing. Make a little graph of that in your head. Impressive drop, huh?

He can’t stay gone. He is now poorer than you and me.
Well, definitely poorer than you. He might still have more cash than I do.

That is an important issue Spencer. By my count there have been 116 women identified, 90 who have outed themselves.

The hair color matter is somewhat of a moving target, as many of the women involved have changed their shades since their encounters and even between press conferences held with their attorneys.

Using current shades, there were 46 blonds, 22 brunettes, 17 redheads, 12 who were a mix of those three categories, 11 whose hair was dyed a shade that does not occur in nature and 8 who were totally bald.

Ah, the golf club, or as it has been portrayed, the rescue tool. Elin Woods kept the club following the night she and the club rescued Tiger from his wrecked vehicle. The lack of that club is the true reason Tiger has not returned to competition. People assume Nike just gives the man whatever he needs…clubs, clothes, women, whatever. The truth is, they dont give him clubs. He’ll have to pay for that missing club, then buy a replacement. He can’t play without the club, so he can’t earn the money. Checkmate, Elin.

Also, try not to think of replacing references to rescue on the night of the accident with the phrase “whomping him with a golf club”. That would not be fair.

Regarding my PSYC 101 Final, yes it was held in Cole Field House. My backside still hurts from the chair I was in. Fortunately, basketball practice was scheduled at the same time so Lefty Driesell threw us all out before we could answer the first question.