2015-04-30

As you may know, an Alberta election is underway. Will godless socialists form government and/or opposition? Will Jim Prentice be the PC leader who finally breaks that hallowed "PCs look in trouble at the time of the election call and then handily win a majority" streak? Will voters remember their distaste of Danielle Smith/Alison Redford/Raj Sherman in the ballot box?

Just like during the 2012 provincial election, it's time to run down every single riding in Alberta. For each of the 87 ridings in Alberta, here is my picks for who represents the best choice for a bold and positive vision for Alberta. As always, these are my picks, if yours are different than yours are totally wrong.

Airdrie: Angela Pitt is angry, she says voters are angry, and after yet another Rob Anderson floor crossing they deserve her as their new Wildrose MLA.

Athabasca-Sturgeon-Redwater: Wildrose's Travis Olson is your strong pick for this riding (he has a cool cowboy hat and a hot wife), and it's worth noting that the NDP's Colin Piquette is one of those "Friends of Medicare" so voting in Olson is yet another stick in the heart of that disgusting organization

Barrhead-Morinville-Westlock: His experience on the Western Hog Exchange should be valuable in undoing all the PC graft, so stick with Glenn van Dijken, Wildrose

Battle River-Wainwright: Without Doug Griffiths holding down a solid seat for the Tories, there's a really good chance here for Wildrose's Wes Taylor. Don't let him down!

Bonnyville-Cold Lake: Another no-incumbent race, so push hard and you'll get Scott Cyr as your Wildrose candidate, though it's worth noting that PC'er Craig Copeland is one of the least insane of the PC candidates.

Calgary-Cross: You'll definitely be cross if you wake up May 6th in this riding and your new MLA isn't either Rick Hanson or Moiz Mahmood. Hell, the Green weenie Peter Meic says he's an auto mechanic and inspired by David Suzuki, so he's lying about something. I think I've met Wildrose's Moiz Mahmood, and something in the back of my brain is tickling me about it. If I could remember what it was I'd strongly suggest one way or the other, but let's give Rick Hanson the slight edge in this one.

Calgary-Currie:Terry DeVries of the Wildrose appears to be an excellent candidate here, one of those rare teachers that actually gets it rather than quoting ATA garbage. As always, Liberal Shelley Wark-Martyn loses points for not taking her husband's name and doing that silly hyphenation thing. She's also from Ontario and worked under Bob Rae, so that's strikes two and three.

Calgary-East: Make sure you're in the right riding here, by the way: there's both an East and a South-East, which just seems lazy. In Calgary-East your man is Wildroser Ali Waissi who worked for the Mustard Seed in Calgary, and also was the 2012 campaign manager for Third Edge of the Sword favourite Ron Leech.

Calgary-Elbow: This is the big one, where Gordon Dirks (the man responsible for Faggot-Familiar Alliances) is going up against the leader of the far-left coward-friendly Alberta Party (Greg Clark). This is a great chance to stab both the Alberta Party and the man who forced sexual deviants into schools in the back, and elect Social Credit candidate Larry Heather. If you need a second choice, Megan Brown would be the third hottest MLA in the Legislature if she gets in.

Calgary-Fish Creek: With former interim Wildrose leader Heather Forsyth stepping down, this is another pretty wide open field. The best pick here is another Social Credit candidate, this time Martin Owen, who beats out Wildrose's Blaine Maller.

Calgary-Foothills: Hey look kids, it's the home riding of Jim Dinning! There's good stuff here from Wildrose candidate Keelan Frey who looks and sounds just like an accountant. Alberta could use one of those.

Calgary-Glenmore: What's the Wildrose equivalent of "win one for the Gipper?" This is where Wildrose got their start with a Paul Hinman 2009 byelection win, but the PCs currently hold the riding. The Wildrose candidate, Chris Kemp-Jackson, is your choice here, a former diplomat who, it's odd to note, befitting his status as the old black guy running for the party, he's presently unemployed. Fun fact: $50 to the first person who can go on YouTube and try speaking this phrase aloud, courtesy Alberta Party candidate Terry Lo:

Corporations must stop riding on the coattails of small business and the middle class. They get the lowest tax rate in Canada but not the small businesses

Calgary-Greenway: This is one of the rare three-horse urban ridings, and probably the weakest candidate options in the province. None of these dregs are any good, but if you don't want to spoil your ballot (feel free to write-in "Feynman and Coulter's Love Child"), then go for Devinder Toor, Wildrose.

Calgary-Hays: This is one of the toughest ridings to call. On one hand, we have Ric McIver, the man who ran against Prentice and was the easy pick for best of the three-way race for the PC leadership. Wildrose's candidate is Robert Mailloux, an IT guy who seems strong on the taxpayer front. Meanwhile, the weakest of all the Social Credit candidates is in this riding: Zachary Doyle, a creepy looking guy who says "we believe that the means outweigh the end" which doesn't on its face make any sense. He's also big on increasing the minimum wage. This is basically between Mailloux and McIver, but let's give the nod to the man who could win this riding and possibly be the next PC Leader (if only by default).

Calgary-Lougheed: Speaking of ridings names after former PC Premiers...I can't wait to tell you about Edmonton-Getty and Calgary-Redford and Calgary-Prentice in 2047...this one features a rare Alberta Liberal in Calgary appearance. The best candidate to chose from here is Wildrose's Mark Mantei.

Calgary-Mountain View: The riding of lying fake doctor David Swann, your far and away best bet here is Wildrose candidate Terry Wong even when his bio includes bizarre phrases

Calgary-North West: Another riding where a left-wing PC incumbent (Sandra Jansen in this case) can be replaced by a strong conservative alternative with the election of Jeff Callaway, the Wildrose founder and former Party President who was one of the strongest voices in opposition to the Danielle Smith defection plans. In case you were wondering, Alberta Party candidate Christopher Blatch is a sniveling cowardly who thinks that jobs aren't created from wealth production, believes that a 5% trimming is a "massive cut", and when you show him how wrong he is he runs and hides. He's a pathetic little man-baby, I hope he doesn't even get enough votes to get his deposit back.

Cypress-Medicine Hat: An easy choice here, the man who should have been the Wildrose Leader, your pick is Drew Barnes.

Drayton Valley-Devon: Here you have a chance to stick it to another cowardly Alberta Party candidate, Connie Jensen who thinks the problems in America are solved by Sex Ed (and by running and hiding when somebody questions your insane logic). Your best pick here is Mark Smith, the Wildrose candidate who used to work wtih Preston Manning and Cliff Breitbrueuz.

Dunvegan-Central Peace-Notley: In the riding named after the dad of Edmonton's second most offensive politician, what better way to show the socialists how wrong they are by electing the Wildrose candidate, Kelly Hudson.
Edmonton-Beverly-Clareview: The media is painting this as a race between two statists: NDP'er Deron Bilous and PC'er Tony Caterina. While it's tempting to put busty Wildroser Stephani Diacon into the MLA's chair, Tony Caterina, MLA is just a phrase that will piss off all the right people.

Edmonton-Calder: The odds of removing cowardly moron David Eggen, so stupid that he doesn't realize what public healthcare is even though it's his onyly issue, is low, but still worth a try to put Andrew Altimas, Wildrose in the chair.

Edmonton-Centre: There's only one clear answer here, an easy way to send pro-poofter Laurie Blakeman packing. Greg Keating, the man who so offended the media chattering classes that they had to delete any critical mentions of their biased news coverage.

Edmonton-Meadowlark: The nod here has to go to PC candidate Katherine O'Neill, thanks to Wildrose going for an Edmonton cop (Amber Maze) in this riding. We don't need more corruption, thanks. (If she wins, she would rocket into first place in the hot MLA sweepstakes, though).

Edmonton-Mill Creek: Gene Zwozdesky is still alive? I'd totally forgotten about him. Anyways, you'd better stick with him rather than go with Saqib Raja, the Wildroser who freaked out about "Islamophobia" last month.

Edmonton-Riverview: I can accept you going with independent candidate Glenn Miller, but the best bet is still Wildrose's Ian Crawford.

Edmonton-Rutherford: Even though it involves giving the nod to somebody involved in that dreadful Toastmasters organization, Wildrose candidate Josef Pisa gets the nod here. Hilarious to watch as Alberta Party stalwart Chris LaBossiere blew a small fortune to get a PC nomination so he could be in power, and even if he wins his seat, he loses his gambit.

Fort McMurray-Conklin: An easy pick here, go with Wildrose leader Brian Jean. No matter what you think of him as leader, he's a solid candidate.

Fort McMurray-Wood Buffalo: While it's tempted to give the nod to Mike Allen, just to piss off all the feminists mad that he got himself a couple hookers, he did rack of government frequent flyer miles to do so. Insteead, stick with Wildrose's Tany Yao.

Livingstone-Macleod: Pat Stier is a rare case, a Wildrose-sponsored coward who doesn't like engaging with the people around him. Evan Berger did a good job as the Agriculture Minister under Ed Stelmach, worth giving him another mandate.

Medicine Hat: This riding made headlines after NDP candidate Jason Soklofske withdrew from the race after being charged with assault while campaigning. That makes him the second most bizarre story in the riding after David Andrew "Robon Hood" Phillips. Ignore both whackjobs, and give the seat to radio DJ Val Olson for the Wildrose.

Red Deer-North: With Mary Jablonksi's retirement, time to bring in the guy with the cool name and the disappointing backstory, Buck Buchanan, Wildrose now but tried for the PC nomination. Make sure you collect his $100,000 just in case. Also, be sure to shun another Alberta Party coward, Krystal Kromm, who demands corporate tax hikes to pay for her lazy AISH freeloading friends.

Rimbey-Rocky Mountain House-Sundre: Ah, loopy Joe Anglin's old riding. Loopy Joe is still running, of course, but he's no longer polluting the Wildrose gene pool like he was back in 2012. Your ideal candidate here is property-rights proponent Wildrose candidate Jason Nixon, the second Wildrose candidate on our list with connections to Calgary's The Mustard Seed. An odd aside, he already has a son who can vote.

Sherwood Park: It's the battle of the mayors, featuring both Cathy Oleson and Linda Osinchuk. Apparently it's not an election in Alberta unless they're going head-to-head. Neither of them are very good, but since Olesen won the provincial election last time we should give Osinchuk another chance to beat her.

So there you have it. 87 ridings, 87 endorsements. I look forward to the morning of May 6th where we will find the Legislature packed with 73 Wildrose, 7 PC, 5 Social Credit, and 4 Independent candidates.