Another seven days of offensive metaphors, advice for Arabs and scary $5 bills

WEDNESDAY MAY 14
House Republicans' latest attempt to appear vague but full of care for Americans is the releasing of their 2008 campaign slogans: "Change You Deserve" and "American Families Agenda." A New York Times blog reported the slogans today and then promptly pointed out that the first one was formerly the slogan of a prescription drug called Effexor XR, used to treat depression and anxiety. The bloggers laughed it up, noting that Republicans are to blame for Americans' current depression and anxiety over most facets of our lives. The GOP has since responded, saying that Effexor XR's side effects are similar to those of terrorism and that nausea, apathy, sexual dysfunction and memory loss are part of every American's sacrifice for freedom.

THURSDAY MAY 15
Barack Obama called a TV station today and apologized for accidentally being a little sexist when politely responding to a question from a female reporter in Michigan. Obama was telling people at the Chrysler plant how American leaders have fucked them during the past couple decades, and when reporter Peggy Agar asked him a question, he responded with: "Hold on one second, sweetie, we'll do a press (session). Thanks." In the message he later left Agar, Obama said that calling people "Sweetie" is a bad habit and that he once got his ass whooped for it at a tough playground on the south side of Chicago.

FRIDAY MAY 16
We at WWE! have vandalized many things in our day, but to knock over a life-sized marble statue of the patron saint of Ireland -- at a church -- is a little much even for glass-smashing enthusiasts like us. The Kentucky Enquirer today reported the sad scene of a headless Saint Patrick lying stomach-down in front of his pedestal at St. Patrick Church in Independence. Rev. Jeff Von Lehmen was appalled when he saw what had happened: "It's like walking out your door and finding your American flag burned or a Martin Luther King Jr. statue beheaded or an Abraham Lincoln statue knocked over." Judging by the vandals' thoroughness -- also damaged were flowers, decorative lights and a Virgin Mary statue -- Police believe they're looking for experienced hoodlums, probably seventh or eighth graders.

SATURDAY MAY 17
Within hours of a dramatic Reds win over the Cleveland Indians in a baseball game today, Hillary Clinton walked out of a brick building in Covington and compared herself to our fifth-place hometown team. In town to speak about her theoretical ability to beat John McCain in November, Clinton said, "The Reds came from behind to win. That's what I'm doing, that's what this is all about." The metaphor turned offensive when stretched to include the Reds' seven straight losing seasons and Cleveland's minority mascot. Clinton's statement reportedly drew cheers from the event's Democratic attendees but ridicule from the Republicans who own the Reds, broadcast the games and play for the team.

SUNDAY MAY 18
President Bush told the people of the Arab world today that they need to stop acting like dicks and that freedom and democracy are worth the threat of their enemies overtaking and killing them. In his boldest statement of disapproval for Arabic lifestyles since bombing the shit out of Iraq five years ago, Bush lectured 1,500 global policymakers and business leaders on their political repressions and women's lack of rights. Bush said, "I call on all nations in this region to release their prisoners of conscience, open up their political debate and trust their people to chart their future." His speech was met with high oil prices in Saudi Arabia, questions about his seriousness in Egypt and indifference in Iran.

MONDAY MAY 19
In another cheesy attempt by city leaders to mimic Portland, Ore., Cincinnati City Council is now considering the expansion of recycling options. According to The Enquirer, Councilwoman Roxanne Qualls -- who also supports the Portland-like streetcar proposal and clean streets -- says the city should start picking up recycling from people living in apartments, condos and public housing. Cincinnati recycles only 10 percent of its garbage, according to the city's seldom-respected Environmental Advisory Council, and Qualls and the wannabe Portland city council agree that we should try to hit 30 percent by 2015. Councilwoman Leslie Ghiz said that recycling is good but will cost money so we should be good Cincinnatians and wait until later to do it.

TUESDAY MAY 20
A federal appeals court ruled today that our paper money discriminates against blind people because there's no way for them to tell how much a bill is worth. According to the AP, the American Council for the Blind filed a lawsuit years ago hoping to get some kind of shape or bump added to bills to differentiate values. The Treasury Department has been fighting the changes, saying that blind people can ask store clerks for help or fold the corners of bills to distinguish them. Many other countries have already dealt with this issue, and the appeals court ruled that the U.S. needs to explain what makes its situation so unique and why the new $5 bill shows a scary post-apocalyptic message when viewed while high on marijuana.