The Bacon Bracelet is a Fine Piece of Meatwear

One of the things that baffles me about women (and there are thousands) is their love for jewelry. Only one thing can elicit a cuteness-inspired squeal from a girl faster than some confabulation of stones and shiny objects. (That, of course, would be puppies wearing scarves.) They blow wads of cash on their beatifying self-decoration while most guys wouldn’t notice anything amiss if they were just wearing aluminum foil. Granted, girls don’t dress for guys. They dress for themselves, for other girls and for the right to call other girls a whore for wearing a sequined tube top, even though they own the same one. But ladies, if you’re trying to attract a real man there are jewelry options that can work to your advantage.

May I suggest … the Bacon Bracelet. This fine piece of meatwear is printed from a high-quality photograph onto very durable, pliable plastic. Let me repeat that: it is plastic and for decoration – do not attempt to chew/suck on it. Even tastier, the bracelet closes with a lobster clasp. It may be that this is just a name for a closure mechanism similar to a lobster’s claw, but I’m playing my “ignorance is bliss” card and assuming it’s actually fashioned from real lobster.

So if you’re tired of striking out with the fellas, take your game from posh to pork with the Bacon Bracelet. And guys, if you’re into wearing bracelets, this is probably the way to go.

As a safety disclaimer, we should mention that there are several potential health risks to this sort of delicious fashion statement. Your wrist will be prone to fierce attacks from dogs, squirrels and Midwesterners. Additionally, studies have shown that your risk of heart disease increases by up to 12% as soon as it comes in contact with your skin. Also, it’s practically inevitable that one day when you’re suffering from a bacon deficiency, temptation will override common sense and leave you choking on a piece of palatable plastic.