Parents of teenaged girls who dress like hookers can freak out
right about ... now! John "candy is dandy but the Rohm
RG-14 revolver is quicker" Hinckley Jr. goes before a judge
today to determine whether or not he's healthy enough to go visit his
Mom in Virginia. Hinckley has already been granted the right to stay with
his folks at hotels around his permanent home at St. Elizabeth's Hospital
for the Seriously Fucking Nuts in Washington, D.C., but now he'd like
to go on a little road trip, if that's OK. Hinckley got his trading card
by plugging Ronald Reagan in 1981, if you recall, in order to impress
Jodie Foster, who is so not attracted to psychopaths, especially (allegedly)
ones with penises.

John's a little bummed out, because he just broke up with his girlfriend,
a fellow guest of the state who was in the hoo-hoo-hoosegow for killing
her 10-year-old daughter. Pfff! We've all been there, right? What if we
went running home to Mommy every time our murdering exes broke up with
us? Also, John? Jodie is still unimpressed. Just FYI.

Holy Washed Up D-List Celebrities, Batman! It's Adam West's 77th
birthday today. Actually, it seems rather cruel to characterize West as
"washed up." How far can you fall from playing an ambiguously
gay caped crusader on a TV show with a lower per-episode budget than our
monthly take home pay? And that's adjusted for inflation. Even the movie
-- yes, there was a movie, we saw it when we were kids, on TV-38 in Boston,
home of the Creature Double Feature -- was so ghettolicious that it featured
a sequence in which a dolphin saved our intrepid heroes ... off-screen,
as actual dolphins are so demanding about their trailers and having white
rose petals strewn in their toilets and so on.

Arrr! Last but not least, mateys! Today is also Talk
Like a Pirate Day. Avast! Grog! Arrr! Um, other things as well.
We're willing to get a parrot. Wait -- do parrots poop? Then forget
it. This is a new shirt.

Tuesday

The Federal Open Market Committee meets today in Washington, D.C.
to discuss interest rates. This means something to people who are ever
going to own property, to which we can only say, enjoy your boring little
lives. We have cute new pants and places to go.

Look for conservatives in Crystal City, Va. to git down today, as they
salute former Senator Jesse Helms in the usual manner: dinner,
drinks, dancing, eating babies, sticking it to the little guy, guzzling
crude oil, planning wars, mocking black people, etc. Helms has the distinction
of holding the most "formers" of any erstwhile senator in our
history: former senator, natch, former Democrat (really!) and former journalist.
Betcha didn't know that. Helms' tenure in the fourth estate included such
glorious feats of journalism as doctoring photos to make it appear as
though North Carolina Senator Frank Porter Graham's wife had once
danced with an actual Negro. This caused Graham to lose the election to
Helms' pal Willis Smith, which in turn caused Smith to offer Helms a job
as his administrative assistant in Washington, which was the beginning
of Helms' political career. The entire affair caused the Lord Jesus to
smite North Carolina, but only in our head.

Drink up, Jesse! The one on the left is the hemlock.

Yeeeah, why don't you go ahead and beat a six-year-old movie to death
today? It's Gary Cole's birthday. He got paid about 37 cents and
a packet of Fruit Rollups for playing your favorite of his 53 parts, but
I'm sure he's not at all bitter about it. This is a man who is willing
to wear a 70's era permed Brady wig and polyester for a part, so
you know he's a professional. Take a piece of cake and just pass.

Today in 1891, the first gasoline-powered car made its debut in Springfield,
Mass. Also on this date in 1891: Marty McFly failed to interfere
in the courtship of Scott Pierce and Mabel Marvin. This would eventually
lead to the birth of Barbara (Pierce) Bush, and thus to the birth of George
W. Bush. Somewhere, 114 years ago, little Bushie twinkled brightly in
God's eye and whispered, "At last! I have the means to RULE THE WORLD!!!"

Wednesday

Former President Clinton and former Senator Bob Dole will host
a fundraising gala for Bennett College for Women in Greensboro, N.C.,
today. Publicly, they'll banter good-naturedly like the best of rivals.
Privately, Bubba will be all like, "Bob, I just wanted to say how
deeply moved I am by your willingness to put the past behind you and join
forces with me to support one of our nation's greatest natural resources:
Hot Young Pootie. Now about this Viagra. If a guy had, say,
a heart condition, should he maybe not use this stuff? QUICK! I have a
very important 'fund'-raising gala of my own to attend in about half an
hour."

Meanwhile, the missus Cinton will be observing her 300-mile restraining
order by going to D.C. to speak at the 35th annual conference of the Congressional
Black Caucus. Expect the microphones to pick up the following conversation:

"Where are we today? The Congressional Black what? Whatever. Just
give me my cards. I don't care if it's the International Knitting Society
of Pigfuckers. I'll talk to anyone. I stayed married to Fuckface for this,
and I WILL BE PRESIDENT."

Today is also the 67th anniversary of the Great New England Hurricane,
which is one of the top 10 hurricanes of all time. Bet you didn't know
New England had one of the top 10 hurricanes of all time, did you? Well,
they don't like to brag. Not like you, you heathen. Now put on this funny
hat and get back to work.

Benedict Arnold, whose eggs are so splendid, gave the British
the plans to West Point today in 1780. He was forced to relocate
to Britain, for obvious reasons, where it's cold and the food sucks. He
was totally shocked to find that the British didn't exactly trust him,
after all that, or say, like him at all. Listen, Benny: Nobody likes a
snitch.

Thursday

Listen up, bloggers! Today is Dear Diary day, and you know what
that means: It's time to dig out all your old diaries from middle school
and post them on the Internets. Observe, as you do, that you still have
a crush on someone named Mikey, who still picks his nose, and has a bowl-cut;
that Jessica is still, like the biggest cooze, and who does she think
she is; and that you have recently purchased several new items and have
gone on a diet. Why don't you tell us all about it? It's fascinating,
we swear to you. Put it in a list.

The Band-Aid was invented today in 1921. After making fun of hurricanes,
bloggers and the Clintons, and suggesting that retired senators drink
poisonous beverages, we expect to need many.

A preliminary version of the Emancipation Proclamation was released
today in 1862. It gave a basic outline of the full document to follow,
which actually only immediately freed six slaves and gave a guy named
Herbie a sandwich, but which was nonetheless very well-written and would
ultimately bring about the end of slavery in the U.S.

Today is also the 25th anniversary of Iraq invading Iran. Or was
that Iran invading Iraq? Or wait: Was there an Afghanistan then? Cuz maybe
they were involved. Or were they, like, part of Russia? Jesus Christ,
we don't know. Someone invaded someone, and it sucked. Maybe we should
just cordon off the Middle East with crime scene tape and go get a drink.
Whaddaya say?

Friday

Meanwhile, at the Halls of Justice, President
Bush rubs his paws together and decides which military bases will get
the ax. As he does so, Dick Cheney will attempt to explain to him, using
an abacus, a map, a PowerPoint presentation and some Play-Doh,
why it's more or less impossible to invade every country on the planet
without, oh, an army. Good luck, Dick!

Saturday, two antiwar groups, United for Peace and Justice and A.N.S.W.E.R,
will hold a rally and march in front of the White House to protest the
Iraq War. Dubya will glower from behind a heavy curtain, look out at the
mass of hippies on his front lawn and call his Daddy on his cell phone:
"They're still out there! I bet they're smoking pot. You told me
if I went to New Orleans people would like me again. That's it: I'm going
back to my ranch. Cows can't vote."

Today is also the first day of Fall! This means that we can put our clothes
back