Thursday, July 16, 2009

If only there were two of me...

Diane Arbus‘Identical twins, Roselle, N.J.,’1967

Oh, If only there were two of me, or more than two of me, I could do it all.I could be the best Mom, the best wife, the best daughter, artist and financial contributor. I have spent the last few days agonizing over my recent and upcoming committments, juggling childcare.

Feeling out of control is not a good thing and too many irons in the fire just is not working. I am so blessed right now with tremendous opportunites and saying "No" to things that I have spent years laying the groundwork for seems counter productive, but it will have to be done. The travel all over every month must be limited.

I will be at the artists lockdown event "Spark" which, while I am having a difficult time justifying, especially after having childcare issues. I am looking forward to it, if I can just get there, emerse myself in the experience, and get home ready to head to Wisconsin for a week to teach. I thank my wonderful husband for the gentle push and support that I needed today and my Mom for giving me permission to listen to my heart.

I then have an amazing gift of a huge (to me, anyway!) grant to fund courses that take me away for 2 weeks in August (and 5 days again in October). The Mommy in me aches at the thought, but knowing that my Mom will be available for my boys means everything to me. After a private teaching engagement in Quebec in September, I am going to take some time to reflect on the direction of my professional artist career and what area I would like to focus on.

Perhaps I will hole up in my basement studio and crank out scarves (not likely!), but I know that time away from my boys is difficult for me. When they are babies, there is this belief that being away gets easier, but as time passes you realize how short our time on earth with our children really is and I want to hang on to everyday with my wonderful boys.

1 comment:

Oh this post is echoing what many of us struggle with...you put it all so well. Balance, isn't that what it really comes down to? Buildng our own lives creatively, while maintaining our family lives in the ways we know work (ie Mom home lots). Oh I hear you on this one....good luck with it all. Sounds like your support system is all in place and all is well, if you can find the peace in it.