A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 2

I recently invited readers to pen the letter that they would like to send to the narcissist that they entangled with. Here is the letter which ‘JJ’ would like to send. Does it mirror your sentiments and experience at all? How do you think the narcissist would react to receiving this?

“Hey sorry I didn’t respond to your text. I wanted to, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I mean what do I say to someone as amazing as you. You’re so much better than me. I didn’t want to disappoint you again so I didn’t respond. I hope you didn’t think it was because I wasn’t interested. I will always love you and I have thought about you every day. I know you are busy with law school and I have no idea how you manage to balance it all. You were always so much smarter than me. I feel terrible about the way things ended but you were right to break up with me. You were so good to me and I didn’t deserve you. I was so insecure and dramatic, always starting fights with you. We were so different. You with your superior etiquette, wealth and private schools and me with my inability to keep up. You were right, I took out my insecurity of not being good enough by accusing you of still wanting your ex and for that I was wrong. Of course she still texted you and wanted you. Who wouldn’t. How could I not see that you starting law school in February after quitting your job and deciding to apply in January was way more important than our June wedding. I should have just changed the date like you wanted. You were right. I was so dumb to think you should have discussed it more with me before you quit your job and changed careers. You decided you wanted to go to law school and I should have not been so selfish to expect you to worry about something as trivial as our wedding. I can’t believe I didn’t listen to someone as smart and cultured as you. Any girl would be lucky to have you. I was so poor and unpolished when you found me. I was insecure about my family not being able to pay for the wedding and I took that out on you. You were right, you were doing my family a favor by paying and planning a wedding we could never afford without you. Everything I am I owe to you. I know you spent a lot of money on the engagement ring and I want to give it back to you. I don’t deserve to keep such an expensive ring. You’re right, you should give that ring to someone who deserves your love. On the back of this letter I wrote down a time and a place for us to meet and for me to give you back the ring. I know it sounds silly but I just want to see you. Please meet me at the location and time on the back of this letter. Hope to see you soon.
Forever yours,
JJ”

(Back of letter)
“Just kidding you lying piece of shit. I know you cheated on me our entire relationship with your fat ex and probably a dozen other people at least. I say people because I am not sure they were all women. That’s ok though because I know you probably didn’t have sex with any of them since you’re some asexual freak. I also know you didn’t break up with me because I was stressing you out with wedding planning, we were all of the sudden incompatible and you just needed to be single for awhile while you get through law school. It was because when you asked me if I think you are stellar I said no. Who asks someone if they think they are stellar. You are so pathetic. I bet you even thought I really meant the front side of this letter too. Don’t contact me again when you fail out or decide to change careers for the tenth time because I don’t care about you anymore.”

Thank you for your reply HG, much appreciated. I remember empathy being listed within the DSM for most of the cluster b group. I think with BPD it’s noted that empathy is “compromised” so their ability to recognise feelings and needs of others is impacted, and they can feel slighted easily re -criticism. Swinging to the negative view of others. Whereas NPD, empathy is noted as “impaired” maybe they just didn’t want to state point blank no empathy. I guess with BPD like the emotional regulation, impulsivity, anxiety etc it is on a scale and will be relative for the individual person. So some may have little to no empathy, and some may be the other end, with a higher level of empathy.

Maybe in the same way as the clock analogy you used between co-dependent and narcissist. Maybe BPD is in that dial between co- dependent / empathic traits and narcissistic / no empathy traits. Which could be why people get them confused or believe someone with NPD has BPD too. Some of the traits appear to be fluid across the two.

Apologies for the over analysis
(that’s not at all like me, I know) I just find it to be a really interesting subject, and I value your opinion.

Hg would this be an example of a savage strike discard? If not, what kind of disengagement is it to say he is busy with law school and doesn’t want to get married or date anyone but be single for awhile instead.

You’d ghost somebody with the words: “I do not wish to go on a further date, but thank you for your time so far.”, and you consider yourself a malignant narcissist? Take of your coffee-tainted glasses and put on the rose ones! Then go look into a mirror.

The narcissists who do this here are much, much, much more insolent about it!

Eg. my Frenemy Greater “I know we were supposed to meet in the park in 30 minutes, but I am not going to arrive. I fell in love with somebody else. Sorry, it turned out like this.”
To a re-hoovered IPPS of course.

The park happened to be next to my place so I had w lot of hugging to do that day and evening. For a few hours.

No, you haven’t understood. I didn’t say I would do that, I was explaining that if somebody no longer wanted to go on another date with someone, that is all they need write. I was responding to the question to show that someone who apparently “ghosts” t avoid confrontation could easily overcome that with such a message. It was not from my perspective.

SN, no, read the asylum of the grotesque. What HG does to women is a rape of their souls.

The only way to make that right is not to tell us, but them. But apparently his survival depends on their suffering. Their only mistake was to take him at face value.

It makes me feel almost grateful that i had abusive parents, because i was forewarned long ago that not all people, even the ones that can get close to us – are good. I think that price was worth paying and it really was a hefty price.

Hi iroll! Thank you for the explanation. I am very well aware of that myself. However, I have no way to tell what HG is like in his real-life interactions, and what he does to women then.

Being a man of a considerable position, I presume, or at least very social, I would still consider the women’s position on this. If they see that he has no actual interest in them, and fuel themselves with wishful thinking, then I’d still share the bill between the two.

Everybody does what they do, in the best/worst way they can possibly think of.

However, when I started dwelling in the woo-woo land realm bordering on reality, I found that nothing happens without a reason, and it is up to me to learn my lessons or repress. I prefer learning!

I come from a country where sexual interaction is not a day to day occurrence, and the people I interact with may have their wants and needs, but in majority they aren’t acting up on them. Different culture – UK, Japan and Russia have the highest percentage of narcissism measured.
In my sociaty it would be around 30 percent (with low rate of births these days) so…

I’ll need to get very lucky to meet somebody I could like and be out of that group. Hope there is though!

I’d offer people like this are able to get out quicker of an unwanted situation and don’t let themselves be pushed around as much as people whose parents let them believe that they will always only meet good people.

Do think the majority of your readers have been dealing with narcissists or individuals with high narcissistic traits? Or, have some just been dealing with rude D-bags?
I was reading one of those other “relationship articles”, (in the arena you want to break into more), and a commenter was saying how people need to stop diagnosing their exes as narcissists just because they were the ones who got burned. For example, someone ghosted may have just been the unfortunate result of dealing with someone who did that for the first time because they are bad at dealing with confrontations.
I think that is another reason why many here, myself included and elsewhere, kept giving more chances when being hoovered because what are the odds we are dealing with the 1 or 2% population that truly has this. Another emotional affliction could maybe be worked on with therapy and improve the relationship.
Also, have you encountered any readers who were actually the Narc and they’re partner was challenging them or in Supernova mode and that is why they were reaching out to you?

The vast majority have been dealing with narcissists, some with those with high narcissistic traits. I do not recall anybody engaging with someone who is just rude. Indeed, if you think it through someone who is habitually rude is highly likely to belong to the first two categories.

The percentage stated is way too low. There are far more of us than people realise? Why is that? Difficulty in identification but also because of observations such as those made by the commenter that you refer to which play down the issue. I find the suggestion that somebody “ghosted” because they are bad at dealing with confrontations, whilst possible, unlikely. All that person need do is send a message stating – “I do not wish to go on a further date, but thank you for your time so far.” That is courtesy and they need not expand on that, have to have a confrontation with the other person. Of course those that ghost do so because of the sense off entitlement, the lack of accountability, the lack off empathy, the pursuit of other targets etc.

HG – JJ mentioned in this letter that her ex had recently started law school when he disengaged from her. Does having more stress cause the devaluation to get worse? Does stress make it harder for narcs to not let their masks slip?

If you look behind your right ear there will be a stamp confirming this Cara. You will feel considerably empathy for others, you will be honest, decent, have a strong moral compass, feel guilt, a sense of justice, the desire to heal, be a truth seeker – not necessarily all of these traits but many of them. See the book Sitting Target for more.

The IPPS is more likely to be told that it is over, but that does not mean that he or she will always be told, they can find they have been disengaged from without having been told that this is what has happened. Disengagement without being told is more likely to happen to IPSSs than the IPPS.

hg – I noticed from jj’s letter that the narcissist disengaged from her around the same time he started a different job. Is it common for narcissists to change jobs and disengage from primary sources at the same time? Do they usually make these changes together?

Indeed and I would reinforce the fact that purpose of people writing these letters was to detail what you wanted to state to the narcissist knowing that the letter would not be sent. It is to allow people a voice when they may have had none and to see the varying styles, emotions and comments in these letters, which has been most interesting. Additional, new letters will be coming.

It is to a degree a character assassination which allowed him to find a reason to disengage but then, as you identify , return later (if applicable) and claim
1. Wedding was called off so that stress has gone
2. You (JJ) have made changes so we are compatible (the narc may even suggest he has done so as well)
3. Law school completed.
therefore there can be a resumption and then the next set of ‘reasons’ arise.

Why are you still alive..Do you have STD…how do you do all you do to us sexually to all of us..ARE you a gigolo. What did you do with my gifts to you and anyone else gave you. Why do you keep all of our photos texts and e-mails saved on files on your computer. All I did for that man….I just wonder if he is so unhappy why is he still alive…He said He is NOT the monster I thought he was…WORSE…He hurts all that care for him. He asked should I just die and all would be better off. YUP….MY question for him being a major President of his division for several years. WHY would he put him self out there on the internet, as a public person and NOT think he would get caught OF having a long term GF, on FB, his work would get calls and letters, His or her family would get bothered. HE was outed on cheating sites. I think the way he got supply of finding women on dating sites to sex it up and seduce them by texting a lot of us…WE found out about each other. WHY would he threaten his career and family??? I had to go to court and deal with lawyers 3 times of him throwing at me a restraining order, BUT I had so much evidence of his own gf outing him of FB messages and textes..So we never went in front of the judge…My letter is why are you so crazy…..So we with his GF who was wacky too, have a mutual stay away for all 3 of us. you are a evil sick man who needs to go away. Thank you Mr. Tudor

In the first part of your letter, you did a great job mirroring back everything your Narc wanted to hear. Sadly, though, the apologizing and taking the blame is all too common in these types of relationships.
Excellent job regaining your voice on the back side!

Just in case anyone was wondering, I never gave the ring back and it was GIA certified and appraised at $30,000. Since being disengaged from by him in March 2017 I have been hoovered twice (that I know of) – once in May 2017 (showed up at my house) and once in December 2017 (mailed me an anonymous gift). Thanks to HG and this blog I didn’t respond to either hoover attempt.

Thoughts: again, it’s nice to vent to release emotions but I think a narc would skim it or laugh it off or not read it. I think when they have discarded you they really don’t give a shit and unless there something in it for them it’s not interesting. I think once he realized after a few sentences that it’s entirely sarcasm he’d skim it and toss it. I imagine a narcissist just kind of thinking ‘interesting’ then crumpling it up and throwing it out and moving on to whatever they were doing without much thought.
HG- is it ALWAYS bad to send a letter? I’m still toying with the idea after 7months NC. I have a four-page letter. But then the other morning something much shorter came to me that offers a mix of I’ve got your number, it’s a shame, I know about your lies, I feel sorry for you , and I appreciate the good things that you did do for me.
Anyways- Still not sure if I should send.
It may help me stop ruminating over what to say. Get it over with.
Then I can put my books away my papers my half written letters can be burned I can call it a day

If I may offer my perspective, I think that if you absolutely must send a letter as a way of getting closure, then do so. However, if you take jabs at their current partner or anything like that, you’re providing fuel. Also, once you have written something, it’s there and they can use it in whatever manner they choose. Your letter could be shown to third parties, published, used in a smear campaign etc. So be wary about possibly giving them ammunition. The letter could also be used to devalue the new source, e.g. ‘unintentionally’ left in a spot they will find it.

If you must, write a letter you wouldn’t be ashamed of your boss/mother/future partner/etc. reading. Keep it unemotional and pleasant. The main message should be “I am done”, which should be stated clearly but not aggressively. Avoid vague statements like “I think we should go our separate ways” or “I don’t expect to ever talk to you again”. You can say “I will treasure the good times I had with you” but I would avoid saying “thank you” to them for anything (unless they e.g. saved your loved one from death or paid for your kid to go to college).

If I felt a need to write my N-ex a letter to get closure and feel ‘justified’ in blocking his calls etc., it would read something like this:

[name],
I am ceasing all contact between us. My life is better because you were in it and my life is better because you are no longer in it.
Per aspera ad astra.
MS

Im so sorry that when they were handing out penises you thought they said peanuts and got in another line. I really hope that suction cup enlarger you bought and use faithfully is successful in making it larger than the hole it left in your wallet.

Hi there– I’m not HG, but I think that unless you have a reason to maintain the relationship, eg. children in common, business affairs to sort out, etc. it really is not worth it. The person you mention does not give a toss. Honest. They don’t care about anyone, not even their kids. That’s why they are bottomless pits of nastiness. They outdo themselves all the time and a letter will only serve to amuse him at the best… as you yourself say “I think when they have discarded you they really don’t give a shit and unless there something in it for them it’s not interesting.”…