The Lost Art Of Roughhousing: Why Roughhousing Makes Kids Awesome

Roughhousing. Horseplay. Wrastling. Whatever you call it, it’s one of the best things about being a dad. I love chasing my one-year-old son, Gus, around the house or pretending that the living room is a lucha libre ring and wrestling with him. No matter how stressed out I’m feeling, hearing one of his big, belly laughs erupt as I swing him around like a monkey makes all my cares go away.

[I share this important post by Brett and Kate McKay from the Art Of Manliness with their written permission because we want your children to thrive!]

Gus-Dad Throwdown

Unfortunately, in recent years, horseplay has gotten a bad rap. Parents, concerned about safety, limit the amount of rambunctious play their kids take part in. At least 40% of US school districts have eliminated recess, because teachers need more time to cram kids’ heads full of information for standardized tests, because they’re afraid of children getting hurt and the school being held liable, and even because they think play can encourage violent behavior; according to a principal that banned recess at her elementary school in Cheyenne, a game of tag “progresses easily into slapping and hitting and pushing instead of just touching.”

In their book The Art of Roughhousing, authors DeBenedet and Cohen show benefits and the research behind it. Instead of teaching kids to be violent and impulsive, DeBenedet and Cohen boldly claim that roughhousing “makes kids smart, emotionally intelligent, lovable and likable, ethical, physically fit, and joyful.” In short, roughhousing makes your kid awesome.

The next time your wife gets on to you for riling up the kids, you can tell her: “I’m helping our children develop into healthy, functioning adults, dear!”…right before performing a baby suplex on your daughter.

6 Benefits of Roughhousing

1. It Boosts Your Child’s Resilience

Helping your child develop a resilient spirit is one of the best things you can do as a parent. The ability to bounce back from failures and adapt to unpredictable situations will help your kids reach their full potential and live happier lives as adults.

Roughhousing requires your child to adapt quickly to unpredictable situations. One minute they might be riding you like a horse and the next they could be swinging upside-down. According to biologist Marc Bekoff in his book Wild Justice, the unpredictable nature of roughhousing actually rewires a child’s brain by increasing the connections between neurons in the cerebral cortex, which in turn contributes to behavioral flexibility out in the real world.

Additionally, roughhousing helps develop your children’s grit and stick-to-itiveness. You shouldn’t just let your kids “win” every time when you roughhouse with them. Whether they’re trying to escape from your hold or run past you in the hallway, make them work for it. Playtime is a fun and safe place to teach your kids that failure is often just a temporary state and that victory goes to the person who keeps at it and learns from his mistakes.

Roughhousing also helps children learn how to manage and deal with pain and discomfort. You shouldn’t intentionally hurt your kids while roughhousing (obviously), but little bumps and scrapes are bound to happen. Instead of cuddling and kissing a child’s “boo boo,” dads have a tendency to distract their kids from the pain with humor or some other task.

2. It Makes Your Child Smarter

Go ahead. Toss your kid like a sack of potatoes onto your bed. It will help turn him into a Toddler Einstein.

Psychologist Anthony Pellegrini has found that the amount of roughhousing children engage in predicts their achievement in first grade better than their kindergarten test scores do.

As we discussed above, roughhousing makes your kid more resilient, and resilience is a key in developing children’s intelligence. Resilient kids tend to see failure more as a challenge to overcome rather than an event that defines them. This sort of intellectual resilience helps ensure your children bounce back from bad grades and gives them the grit to keep trying until they’ve mastered a topic.

Roughhousing actually rewires the brain for learning. Neuroscientists studying animal and human brains have found that bouts of rough-and-tumble play increase the brain’s level of a chemical called brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). BDNF helps increase neuron growth in the parts of the brain responsible for memory, logic, and higher learning–skills necessary for academic success.

3. Roughhousing Builds Social Intelligence

I’ve talked to several parents, especially moms, who are afraid to encourage roughhousing because they think it will turn their kids into little bouncing-off-the-walls hellians who will someday wind up in a juvie center. I guess I can see the reasoning behind their concerns–five-year-old play fights with dad; five-year-old thinks violence is fun; five year old turns into violent sadist bent on human destruction.

The problem is that research actually shows the opposite outcome: children who engage in frequent roughhousing are almost always more socially and emotionally adept than kids who don’t. Dr. Stuart Brown, an expert on play (Yeah, you can be an expert on play. Who knew?) says that the “lack of experience with rough-and-tumble play hampers the normal give-and-take necessary for social mastery and has been linked with poor control of violent impulses later in life.” That’s right. Wrestling your kid around in a play fight ensures that he doesn’t turn into the next Ted Bundy.

Roughhousing builds social intelligence in several ways.

1. Kids learn to tell the difference between play and actual aggression.

2. These kids learn to pick up on and interpret social cues.

3. It teaches children about taking turns and cooperation, give-and-take negotiation where the goal is to make sure everyone has fun.

Sometimes you’re the chaser and sometimes you’re the chasee; sometimes you’re pinning down your kids and other times they’re pinning you down. Your kids wouldn’t want to keep playing if they were constantly on the losing side. Everyone has to take turns in order for the fun to continue.

What’s interesting is that animals even take part in this back-and-forth role reversal. Adult wolves will expose their bellies and necks to their cubs and let them “win” the play fight. Stronger rats will handicap themselves during bouts of play and let the weaker rat win so play can continue. Marc Bekoff posits that roughhousing may be nature’s way of teaching cooperation to animals, a necessary skill for the survival of a species.

4. It Teaches Your Kid Morality

We all want children who end up like Atticus Finch – moral, upright, compassionate. That’s exactly why you need to body slam your kid every now and then.

When we roughhouse with our sons and daughters, they learn boundaries and the difference between right and wrong. If they start hitting hard, aiming below the belt, or becoming malicious, you can reprimand them and then show by example what’s appropriate roughhousing behavior.

Also, roughhousing teaches our children about the appropriate use of strength and power. As I mentioned earlier, when we roughhouse with our kids, we often take turns with the dominant role. Because we’re so much bigger and stronger, we have to handicap ourselves. The implicit message to your child when you hold back is: “Winning isn’t everything. You don’t need to dominate all the time. There’s strength in showing compassion on those weaker than you.”

5. It Gets Your Kid Physically Active

Dads have a profound impact on their children’s physical fitness. Studies have shown that the father’s, (not the mother’s), activity level and weight strongly predict what their children’s activity level and weight will be as adults. If you want your kids to be healthy, active, and fit, then you better be healthy, active, and fit yourself.

What better way to teach your kids to live an active lifestyle than by getting down on the carpet with them for some vigorous roughhousing instead of everyone vegging out in front of the TV? All that running, tumbling, and tackling helps develop strength, flexibility, and coordination in your child.

6. Roughhousing Builds the Father-Child Bond

Some of my best memories of my childhood were when my dad roughhoused with my brother and I. When we were smaller he’d do the obligatory “ride the horsey.” When we got a little bigger we moved to slap fighting, which consisted of my dad dramatically swirling his hands in front of him like you see fighters do in the old kung fu movies and then very lightly smacking our heads with quick open-handed jabs. Slap fights were the best.

You probably have similar memories of roughhousing with your dad. Roughhousing offers dads a chance to physically show their affection to their kids in a fun and playful environment. When Gus and I wrestle, there are lots of hugs and kisses scattered in-between pretend sleeper holds.

When you throw your kids up in the air and catch them or swing them upside-down, you’re building your child’s trust in you. As they take part in somewhat risky activities with you, your kids learn that they can trust you to keep them safe.

How to Roughhouse With Your Kids

The beauty of roughhousing is that there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Roughhousing is just spontaneous, improvised play that’s both rowdy and interactive. Don’t think too much about whether you’re doing it wrong or right. Just have fun.

With that said, the The Art of Roughhousing provides a few guidelines to keep in mind while you’re tossing your kids in the air:

Safety first. While you want to get rough and rowdy with your kids, you don’t want to get too crazy with them. Just be aware of your surroundings and keep your kids away from areas where they can get hurt. Also, keep in mind that a child’s joints are prone to injury when roughhousing. Save the joint locks for when your kids are older and fully developed.

Don’t roughhouse right before bed. For me, I have a tendency to want to horse around with Gus right before bed. I’m going to miss the little guy while he’s asleep, so I want to get in as much daddy time as I can before he hits the hay. But just like adults, kids need some time right before bed to relax and ramp things down so they can get into sleep mode. Unless you want a little night owl joining you on the couch to watch late-night TV, roughhouse earlier in the day.

Roughhousing is for girls, too. While boys are naturally prone to engage in roughhousing, make sure you don’t leave your daughters out of the fun. Studies show that girls who roughhouse with their fathers are more confident than girls who don’t. And some studies even indicate that roughhousing can prevent your little angel from growing up into one of those Queen Bee, Mean Girls that psychologically terrorize other girls.

If you’re looking for specific things to do with your kids while roughhousing, I definitely recommend picking up a copy of The Art of Roughhousing.

Watch the Video to see how it’s done!

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How is that “sad?” Maybe some people were never exposed to roughhousing – that makes them inferior? If someone had a rough childhood in any way, we shouldn’t react by labeling them as “sad”, but rather, we should hope and pray that they can learn and grow.

Mike, not everyone had the blessing of being exposed to this wonderful relational play that used to be found in so many homes. Every family has a different culture, and so it was my desire to share this post by Brett McKay to share it with those who have not heard of it. Also, it was my heart to celebrate the joys and benefits of self-control and confidence it brings to a young child learning from a man who loves them. Hopefully, everyone will find a mentor, and maybe reading about roughhousing will be instructive.

My husband and I both did this with our boys when they were small. Now my boys constantly roughhouse with each other. It never gets out of hand, which I am always thinking that it will! But, we had rules for timeout or stopping if someone was feeling overwhelmed when they were little, and they still follow them at 20,17, and 13. They love to wrestle around and goof off. I never knew that this was healthy, but am glad to know.

Me, too, Melanie! God Just wired boys and men differently and some of us have been trying to squelch that very life-blood out of them. So glad Brett could awaken the truth for us! 😀
Blessings, Mama! It sounds like you have awesome kids!!!

What if you are a single mum with no male figure to dot his with your kids? Do studies show that mums who roughhouse with their children has the same outcome? Or would enrolling them in karate lessons or similar be advisable?

Sarah,
I am not aware of studies like that, but I know moms who report that they do it and love it.
I pray that the Lord (as you seek Him) will bring you to a supportive, Christ-focused church or group where there are fathers that can play an influnecing role alongside your capable role. I know that it’s not always possible or available.
I do think your idea of karate lessons is a good one but also there are some others to consider: https://www.theblaze.com/news/2013/02/18/9-faith-based-and-secular-alternatives-to-the-boy-scouts-of-america
I don’t know where you are in the country:https://www.traillifeusa.com/
By all means play and roughhouse with your children, boys and girls!
J

Oh my god, are you serious? The correct and supportive answer is that, yes, it’s beneficial for moms to roughhouse with their children, no men or fathers required. It’s fun and loving and doesn’t require a Y chromosome. Single parenting is tougher than dual parenting of course, and she doesn’t need your guilt trip telling her you hope she can find a community with fathers as though she is lacking in anything right now. It’s more work for one than for two but she has everything within her to provide what her children need, and if it’s a karate class than so be it. But seriously, you are shaming her with your dripping sympathy for something that she wasn’t asking your opinion on- she just wants to know how to translate the advice in this column to her situation.

i enjoy getting down and wrestling with my children, more than their dad did when he lived with us. If you are comfortable than go right ahead. I grew up in a single parent home and wrestled lots with my siblings… I still do, even though my brothers are bigger and stronger than me . I roll around with the older two of my children (9, 7) but my 5 year old’s favorite thing is to go up on my feet while I lay on the bed I lift her up then drop her.
It all comes down to your family and what works for you, and it can start as simple as chasing your children around the yard or park ( I prefer to chase them as I can go slower when I need to lol) the important thing is to have fun, best of luck to you

Wonderful article! I was worried our regular roughhousing doesn´t give anything to raising my 1,5y daughter, just fun, as for me it was also lazy time when I don´t have to think about anything, maybe that´s why the remorse. Now I will devote my time to these activities much more and enjoy it as always, having known it makes her personality! Many thanks

Jacqueline, thanks for this article! As a woman, I find it hard at times to be physically active with my boys – I’m always down for a run and bike ride, but it’s so neat that God gave us feminine folk a male counterpart! 🙂 I always say to my husband, I’m so glad there’s both of us! This article helped me to encourage my husband to have some time to wrestle with the boys when he gets home! It also spurred me on to keep being intentional about physical play with our boys! Blessings! 🙂

I find horseplay helps my son vent his frustration and anger. Rather than have tantrums and yell, I wrestle with him a few minutes and he’s back to playing nicely and being calm. My girlfriend freaks because he thinks he’ll get hurt and wants him to cry it out when he’s frustrated. He’ll cry for hours if we let him be. I kind of “poke the bear” with him and he jumps on me and we begin wrestling for a bit. He’ll begin laughing and he’s stopped crying.

Just like us, children needs to channel their frustration much like adults. We’d run, workout, punch a punching bag, etc. Kids are the same. They need a way to vent their frustration. Horseplay allows them to do that.

“Unfortunately, in recent years, horseplay has gotten a bad rap. Parents, concerned about safety and preventing ADHD, limit the amount of rambunctious play their kids take part in.”

ADHD is not something that can be caused by roughhousing.
I realize it doesn’t say ADHD is caused by roughhousing, it just says parents are concerned about “safety and preventing ADHD.@ You can make your point by just saying “parents are concerned about safety” and leave ADHD out of it. ADHD is not easily understood by families who don’t experience it and the way you use it here contributes to stigma and misinformation.

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