“How To Own Your Human,” By Teddy And Chili

When my boys found out that I write for the Peepshow, they indicated that they had some thoughts to share with readers.

I should clarify that by “my boys,” I mean my dogs, Teddy and Chili. On a day-to-day basis, these furballs have a lot to say, and I thought I’d give them an opportunity to share their thoughts with you. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Teddy and Chili.

Today we’re going to talk about how to own your human.

Other dogs frequently ask us how we have it so good. How do we get so many treats? Why don’t we sleep in a kennel? How do you get your human to walk you three times a day?

The road to owning our humans wasn’t easy, but with perseverance and a few simple tips, you’ll be on the way to making your human your – well, you know what.

1. Patience Is a Virtue – Teddy

The first fact any dog must recognize is that humans suck at sharing. If you want something they have, you’ll need to beg and not stop until they give in. And they will give in. Your human will say no. They’ll yell “enough!” And just when you think there’s no hope, that’s the time to keep pushing. This is usually when I kill ’em with cuteness.

See the following example:

2. Look Homeless – Chili

Being a rescue dog comes with many benefits, the most important being that your human will always feel some level of guilt about the fact that you spent your childhood in a hoarding situation or have no idea who your parents are. Use this guilt to your advantage, and use it as often as possible.

3. Work/Life Balance – Teddy

In general, I find humans work too hard. They’re always staring at this glowing square thing, rubbing their faces and generally looking annoyed.

Sometimes I have to say enough is enough, and take matters into my own hands. I let my human know when work time is done and belly rubs should commence.

4. Make a mess – Teddy

The human will clean it up.

5. Be Cool – Chili

I take a different approach than most dogs: I play hard-to-get with my humans. I don’t just cuddle on demand. I let them think they’re way more into me than I am to them. When I do this, I am rewarded with treats and bones as the humans try to earn my affection. Suckers.

6. Play Dumb – Teddy

Most times when my humans ask me to do something, I totally know what they’re saying. But you know what? I act like I don’t. Watching humans repeat themselves is hysterical.

7. Size Is Everything – Chili

As a dog of small stature, I’m very well aware that most things in life are bigger than me and most likely could kill me. I like to leverage my size with the humans. I let them know when I’m terrified (usually through violent shaking and crying) and the sympathy that follows is glorious – again, treats and belly rubs.

We hope you find these tips helpful. Now get out there and get those treats!