“Interview” with Bret Michaels of Poison

Bret Michaels is a horny beast. Throughout his time as the lead singer and frontman of the classic hair-metal band Poison, this was a well-documented fact. He initially wooed women with a hyperactive stage personality — music videos showed him makin’ eyes and advances on wickedly dressed über-babes — but then he’d slow it down and aurally caress their lady-spot with smoothly strummed, sensual power ballads. With his tight clothes, vampy attitude and requisite rocker-length hair, he was quintessentially ’80s sex-on-a-stick. Similar to his perma-boner peers in Mötley Crüe, he seemed to have a thirst that only ‘tang would quench. Today, it seems as though not much has changed in the life of Bret Michaels. Though grunge came along some time in the early ’90s and made hair metal look like yesterday’s used condom, he released several fairly well-received solo albums and became a talking head on VH1. Through it all, he’s still a dude who aspires to rock — even if the hairline of his long blond hair is now strategically hidden under a doo-rag.

But being (potentially) follically challenged hasn’t exactly hurt Michaels’ game. He still has the enviable luxury of sitting back and letting the honeys just fall into his lap — quite literally, it seems. As the star and subject of the recent hit VH1 reality show Rock of Love, Michaels is currently entertaining audiences in a whole new way. The dating show arouses rumor and scandal as a gaggle of busty gals basically punch one another in the breast implant over who gets to date him. (And we use the word “date” very loosely here.)

Still, Love is glorious. The show’s trash factor makes it irresistible, while its popularity seems to have greatly helped Michaels ease back into the media spotlight. The intimate details he reveals in the show — about things like his debauched past and medical issues — also add a whole new dimension to the public perception of the man, because he comes off as cooler, sexier and funnier than you would expect. But mostly, the show serves to illustrate that Michaels is still, God love him, a lustful rock star to the core. In honor of his Valentine’s Day concert at the Bottleneck Blues Bar, we’ve dug up some classic Poison lyrics in hopes of getting you in the mood for makin’ love (or just straight-up doin’ it). Some of these lyrics are romantic, some of them are titillating and some of them are just plain obscene. We’ve also completely fabricated quotes from an imaginary conversation we had with Bret Michaels, in which he explains the meaning behind these bits of suggestive soft-core literotica.

Song: “Look What the Cat Dragged In”Lyrics: “No tell, motel, hotel bed/If it wasn’t for the sunlight I’d swear I was dead/I got a girl on the left of me/A girl on the right/I know damn well I slept with both last night”
Bret Michaels might say: “Oh yeah, I remember that night. I usually score with more than five babes a night, and that night I only banged these twins. Eh… it was just a Tuesday. I forgive myself.”

Song: “Talk Dirty to Me”Lyrics: “‘Cause baby we’ll be at the drive-in/In the old man’s Ford/Behind the bushes/’Til I’m screamin’ for more/Down in the basement/Lock the cellar door/And, baby/Talk dirty to me”Bret Michaels might say: “That is poetry. It’s truthful. It’s moving. It’s inspirational. And doesn’t it make you hot? I’m the Shakespeare of turning you on.”

Song: “Nothing But a Good Time”Lyrics: “They say I spend all my money on women and wine/But I couldn’t tell you where I spent last night/I’m really sorry about the shape I’m in/I just like my fun every now and then”Bret Michaels might say: “Chicks are always trying to change me! They don’t understand that I’ve just gotta ramble, y’know? Some babes just can’t handle how hard I must rock. I’ll tell them ‘Woman, you look good an’ all, but ease up off of my stick. I’m the man around here.’ After that, they know their place.”

Song: “I Want Action”Lyrics: “Long legs and short skirts/These girls hit me where it hurts/I can’t wait to get my hands on them/I won’t give up until they give in/Now I’m not lookin’ for a love that lasts/I need a shot and I need it fast/If I can’t have her, I’ll take her and make her”
Bret Michaels might say: “Uh, yeah. Man, that does sound a little creepy and aggressive. But girls just parade around like that and I get all worked up. Don’t they know who I am? I just told them I wanted action!”

Song: “Something to Believe In”Lyrics: “I drive by the homeless sleeping on a cold dark street/Like bodies in an open grave/Underneath the broken old neon sign/That used to read JESUS SAVES”Bret Michaels might say: “See? It’s not always about chicks! I have important things to say — this is social commentary. I do have a soul. But I gotta tell you, this soul mostly just wants to poke hot babes. D’ya know what those cold homeless guys need? A warm woman to cuddle up to on those dark nights. Trust me, going balls-deep will keep you warm.”

Song: “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”Lyrics: “We both lie silently still/In the dead of the night/Although we both lie close together/We feel miles apart inside”Bret Michaels might say: “There’s a rumor this song is about the downside of dating a hot-ass stripper. People always think it’s some big analogy about love and life. Really, it’s just about flowers, man. Being a playa-playa I give out a lot of roses and, damn, those thorns are a bitch.”

Song: “I Hate Every Bone in Your Body But Mine”Lyrics: “This chick’s got me so addicted/I hate her so much even though I wish she was my girl/I hate every bone in your body but mine/I can’t wait till I can hate you tonight”Bret Michaels might say: “Gimme a break, people. I need attention down there. That ain’t no sock in my pants!”