Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Languish

She sat by the
window, gazing out as was her wont to do. Her gaze languidly searched the sky
for patterns amidst the myriad hues that the clouds seemed to take on with the
setting sun. The quiet chill of twilight brought about a strange stillness to
her being, afraid even to breathe.

Lost in a
reverie she was, yet alert enough to discern another presence in the room. Her
gaze did not shift; she remained where she was.

Quiet,
breathing. The hand barely touched her shoulder before it was taken away. She didn’t look up, only murmuring a ‘yes’ to
convey that she was listening.

She couldn’t miss
the oddly half-sheepish, half –rakish smile in his voice as he asked, “So, what
are you up to?”

And she smiled,
despite herself. “Waiting for you, sir, so that I may be graced with your
honourable presence.”

“Stop playing
the princess.”

“Says the one who
acts all high and mighty himself.”

“Oh, as if! I’m
a person of humble means, you see…”

The mindless
banter went on back and forth, while the twilight continued to fade, vestige by
vestige.

There was this
and there were other moments. Of unspoken understandings, shared insights and
common inspirations. Her vehemence would cross paths with his anguish – the
only time they would. Those few moments of togetherness, revelling in the way they were so alike
beneath the veneers.

Those few
moments were all that she could allow herself, after all.

…

But they had more than those few moments, didn’t they?

Long talks, hands held, kisses stolen in the dark. The
rare occasions where they willingly allowed inebriation to break their walls.
Only to revert to their otherwise impenetrable fortresses, nursing old wounds,
on the lookout for yet another battle which would, hopefully, not be their
doing this time.

They were both fighting the same enemy, and yet
unwilling to come together, preferring to be distant allies, keeping their
endeavours as less intertwined as possible.

He dreamt of the one person he couldn’t be with; she
grappled with her fear of never finding anyone else again. And as hopeless as
these quests seemed, they were all they had to fight on for. Quests that
brought them dangerously close to a single path, but it takes more than shared
interests to keep one bound to the other, doesn’t it?

And that, the crucial element, was dearly missing.

For she reached out to him against both their wills,
and his response, while comforting, was nonetheless marred by the bitter
realisation that even that couldn’t be to her claim, let alone his heart.

It was another question - a question she refused to
acknowledge – whether she truly wanted to claim him in any respect to begin
with.

…

She leaned by
the parapet, her gaze resting on the gently rippling waters of the lake, her
body heaving with the measured breaths she forced herself to take. It had been
a long, excruciating walk and climbing low hills worryingly proved a challenge
to her decreased stamina. Her somewhat fragile health was on a long list of
things she didn’t find to be all right. And as always, it was bound to give
away to more pressing matters.

Matters which
existed in her head. Anxieties and
fears none too real, but acutely felt within the realm of her dreams.

It did not help
that the only way she had known to fight them off, all these years, was through
an anchor. An idea, a motive…but mostly,
a person.

Something she
had failed to find well over a year now, the last attempt succeeding no better
than the others.

Her eyelids
fluttered to a close, her senses focused on taking in the sunlight that warmed
her skin against the light breeze. She stilled herself to take in the moment as
much as she could, knowing that moments like these were substitutes for the
lack of a veritable safe haven, however poor.

What she didn’t
anticipate was to feel a hand brush against her shoulder, starkly reminiscent
of the previous times and unwillingly she looked up to see him standing there,
the same slight smile gracing his countenance.

She thought she
was dreaming.

"I’d say, what a
pleasant surprise, but I’ll forego the pleasantries – the startled look on your
face is a little humiliating, to be honest-“

“What are you
doing here?” she cut in, having little patience for his ramblings.

“I could ask you
the same, princess.”

“Oh, for heaven’s
sake! Can’t a person have a little peace and quiet some times?”

“Eh, no one’s
denying you that,” he remarked, not failing to take note of her impassive
expression which was only betrayed by impatience flashing through her eyes.
Impatience crossed with anguish. “I know that look very well, you know.”

“I know you do.”
And much as I may have wanted it to be,
it’s none of your business.

“So tell me. Why
are you here?”

By this time,
she was already on her feet, almost shaking with antipathy. “How does it matter?”

He shot her a
narrowed look, but said nothing. To which she almost smiled. Of course, not your place to say it matters,
right?

The forced mirth
was replaced by quiet seriousness as he asked again, “Tell me.”

But he remained
where he was, and she was only too aware of the distance. Mutual
understanding be damned; I refuse to partake affection and concern from afar.

She crossed the
gap and walked past him, but not before stopping to lay her hand on his shoulder.
”It’s nothing. You may go.” Time you did.