Horwich Treacle Mine

Reporter P. McGeehan. As a direct result of recent encouragement
by the treacle miners in East Sussex, a multi-million pound research programme
was undertaken in the Douglas Valley region in the North West of England
in an attempt to find a source for a Northern Treacle Mine.

British Aerospace Dynamics produced the first “aerial
treacle detector”, which, when fitted beneath the Greater Manchester Police
Helicopter, could be used to detect treacle lakes beneath the surface.

There were difficulties with this system; when the public
address system was used at the same time that treacle was detected, the
message would be transmitted “You’re under arrest Sugar” or “Armed Police,
drop your treacle!” This was overcome by altering the frequencies of each
item of equipment when the source was discovered.

The treacle lake was found to lie beneath the site now
called “Middlebrook”. The supporting stadium columns were connected into
lift pumps to raise the treacle to the surface. One complication still
remains however; although the system is computerised, it is also activated
by excessive noise vibration. This creates a problem when a goal is scored;
the pumps are activated, causing a fountain of treacle to spray the teams
and spectators in the stadium.

The Bolton Wanderers manager said that the team has had
many sticky situations to deal with and this one will be overcome in due
course.

It is proposed that the collection point be piped up
the castle beacon on top of the Pike. So that treacle can be piped from
Horwich via yellow plastic pipes to Crowborough in Sussex, for processing
and mixing with Jarvis Brook treacle to create a new world beating flavour.
It is suggested that this blending of treacle could be called “Horborough
Treacle” or through a reverse system of piping could be established to
produce “Crowich Treacle” and with these amalgamated brands -the treacle
could be exported throughout the world.