Afowofa

Posted on May 6, 2016 // 3 Comments

No I haven’t lost my mind – I just want to speak on something that gets to me that I notice is very common in the Nigerian society. Yoruba speakers will understand the translation of the title of this post, for non-Yoruba speakers – it means a self created problem. Why this choice of a word? I will explain why I am starting to think many people have domestic/ marital issues and if you can follow my argument or not we can dialogue on this.

Most young men and women today have this mindset that the more the merrier when it comes to marriage. While I understand the value society places on marriage, I dare say being miserable at the end of it all is not worth it. How do I mean? I notice on a lot of websites and social media pages folks seeking for advice. The post usually reads something like this:

Hello Aunty Pynk (first of all anyone over 10 shouldn’t call me aunty, especially in a social setting),

Good day I have a current dilemma, my name is Toritorun and I have been dating Jagunlabi for 3 years. I recently met Okoroismyboy during my service year 6 weeks ago and I am in love with Okoroismyboy because we mistakenly had sex 4 times while in camp and promised to stop after we graduated. Jagunlabi does not show me any attention and everytime I have issues with him, I call Okoroismyboy and he makes me feel better. I believe that Okoroismyboy loves me but not as much as Jagunlabi but I love Okoroismyboy more. I am 24 years old and my parents are pressuring me to marry Jagun and I don’t know what to do… please can you ask your posters to weigh in? Please posters feel free to insult me, but tell me who I should marry!

A few things are off with this scenarios that are often presented – while I don’t doubt the power of love triangles – I was once 21 ke – there is really nothing new under the sun – so I will speak my peace point by point and hope that a young person reads it and somehow understand what this whole thing is about.

There is nothing wrong with casually dating multiple people but when it comes to relationships – it is almost a guaranteed recipe for future failure.

If you who are in the relationship cannot decide what to do – how can complete strangers offer advice on a decision that you must live the rest of your life with?

Whoever told young people that you needed to line up multiple partners when you are ready to pick a spouse? I am of the opinion that when you do this, you are certainly shortchanging yourself – you never really get to know people when you have multiple people to compare the person with and often times when the person offends you, you go to the other part time relationship and they make you feel better when in actuality they may be worse than the person that offended you.

Marriage is not like buying underwear where you say give me the purple one because its the best looking in the shop. What if the best looking doesn’t meet your needs as a human being?

No matter how economically depraved you are – money cannot be the solution to all of life’s challenges. Love doesn’t just sprout up and grow if you had none for the person to begin with. Too many people are fed up within 2 years of being married and end up unhappy.

if your home front is miserable – your entire life, almost guaranteed will be miserable – check and see- it’s usually true. Why commit to misery?

Marriage is more than childbearing – its about sharing your space indefinitely with someone. Having a bunch of kids won’t fixed a fragile situation – it will only place more strain on it.

Divorce is really an option, especially if the decision to marry was made under duress or false circumstances. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Too many people are getting caught up in stunting for the ‘gram (wedding day pictures) that we are forgetting that picking a spouse is not like going to a car lot and picking one of the many available cars. A Mercedes might look good on the lot, but you as a person might prefer the lower maintenance Toyota. Sorry for the car analogy – but understand the qualities you believe you require in a partner that will being out the best of your qualities most of the time, not your worst.

There is no reward for enduring a bad marriage – absolutely none as your misery will permeate your entire existence.

3 Comments on Afowofa

Great but I quite disagree with #2. While I’m one who doesn’t leave the serious decisions in my life to others, sometimes someone outside sees things better. The poster might be aware that her judgement is clouded due to love/great sex/pressure/whatever and needs someone to speak objectively. Also I find most times when people mail me for advise it’s usually the younger ones who believe I have had more experience than them and therefore am in a good position to advise.

So it’s ok to ask for advise when you really need it. Just be wise and very selective about which you choose. Most will be chaff.