Calm Down, I’m Still Here Somewhere…

Once again our blog postings have become rarer than a necessary Civil Servant, and indeed there have been very few Twitterings or indeed much on Faceache beyond shameless corporate plugs. Indeed as I write this I am struggling to find an excuse – or at least someone to blame, then of course frivolously sue for millions. Which means it must be my fault, and so I am left no choice but to place the blame for our tardiness squarely at the door of the colour known only as ‘Orange’. A colour which has some heavy form – you only have to look back at the 70’s to see what I mean, and indeed even after all these years there is still an injunction out against it being seen in public with it’s former partner in crime, Brown. It is after all the Official Colour of the ASBO, and anyone wearing orange clothing can of course be done for GBH (Grievously Bad Haberdashery). Mid you, orange has had a hard life – it didn’t even exist until the discovery of the fruit of the same name in the 1500s. Well I say discovery, this is of course discovery in the sense of ‘previously unknown to a white man’.

Anyway, despite the lack of posting, I have written several entries to the blog, but never got round to finishing them (yes, I do try to polish them up…) before they seemed to become somewhat irrelevant. After all, if you think my movements over Easter are boring, try reading about them in July… Don’t worry about about missing anything – firstly you really, really haven’t, and secondly being environmentally aware I will recycle anything humorous content for future use as soon as I have a spare second (or indeed less). Some entries are still relevant, so here is a quick summary of what you have had a narrow escape from:

Asda have announced they will stop selling beer cheap, and will now not sell it for less than the value of the beer duty plus VAT. Wow. That will give the cheap canned lager addicts something to worry about won’t it (You’ll have to Google for the original story yourself, this isn’t Wikipedia, but it is interactive…). You don’t need to be that smart to work out that this means the beer is still be sold less than cost – for example to get the beer to the store, it has to be manufactured by a skilled team of white coatists, several button pushers and of course Darren on the forklift. Then you’ll need Trev the lorry driver to deliver it, and good old Darren again at the store to unload it. Plus of course Farmer Hoo Flung-Dung of China to grow the barley (although of course he is happy to earn nothing because that is all he has ever had). So you see, someone is still supplying alcohol below cost price to entice folks, and you can bet that Her Majesties Department Of Creating Paperwork & Preventing Profit aren’t waiving a penny of their share, and I’m sure Trev and the Darrens aren’t keen to go short, so it’s down to the peasant Farmers of the world and Asda to swallow the losses. And the Health Stasi won’t worry, because Asda are bigger than they are, so they’ll keep picking on the pub trade, spend millions in hand wringing seminars, and keeping missing the basic point that if folk are happy with their lives, they won’t need to keep filling it with cheap alcohol or drugs or indeed the need to fly half way round the world to spend two weeks eating English food and drinking English beer whilst getting skin cancer. Sorry, I may have suggested cheap lager contained barley. This is of course quite possibly wrong. Well mostly wrong, indeed the small amount of barley used may even be 100% British…

We are currently in the throes of a project about which I cannot say too much, but we have come to refer as ‘Project We Don’t Have Enough To Do Already And Also Enjoy Banging Our Heads Against Various Walls Created By Red Tape And Incompentant Fools’ (or ‘GRRRAAGGHHH Don’t Ask’ for short). Suffice it say, if/when it comes together it will be good for us, and we’d like to think very good for others. But for now, we are learning several valuable things:

1. It is acceptable for a third party to bollocks up your pension to the point you it money when you retire because they are trustworthy. You are however not trustworthy enough to look after your own pension, unless of course you pay lots of extra tax.

2. Some professions work so slowly it is wonder they don’t still operate out of caves, or at least fail to keep up with the rotation of the planet. Admittedly charging by the hour may of course explain this.

3. There isn’t a Land Rover on the aforementioned planet that doesn’t rust.

For now you’ll just have to believe me that the above three things are in some way related…

I have been made to promise that I’ll will post more often in the future (yes, I have recycled that bit as well…), and indeed I may have attempt tomorrow – Tues 3rd August – whilst at the trade session of the Great British Beer Festival. It may happen though via TwitFace or such like, so apologies now to those who have real friends and so aren’t signed up to those services. For those that are, expect such erudite and worth comments such as ‘Thsgfdywdf ghafdf’, ‘Ghtshs Mkkzhye’ and the like. I would like to say the the drink will be to blame, but in truth I am really crap at texting…