16 things I know are true but haven’t quite learned yet

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There’s a difference between knowing something and living as if it were true. These truths are all lingering on that awkward threshold, for me anyway.

1) The sooner you do something, the more of your life you get to spend with that thing done — even though it takes less effort (or at least no more) than it will later. It’s the ultimate sure-thing investment and I pass it up all the time.

2) I never regret working out. I can’t count the number of times I’ve negotiated with myself to work out the next day instead of today because I’m worried it will be a “bad workout.” I seldom have a bad day on a day that I work out.

3) Whenever I’m playing with my phone I am only shortening my life. A smartphone is useful if you have a specific thing you want to do, but ninety per cent of the time the thing I want to do is avoid doing something harder than surfing Reddit. During those minutes or hours, all I’m doing is dying.

4) Nothing makes me more productive and in-the-moment than a clean house. There is mind-clearing magic in cleanliness. Waking up in a house where everything is put away is a glorious feeling. There seem to be more possibilities in the air, and all my things seem more useful.

5) Minute-for-minute, nothing I do is more rewarding than meditation. Even after just a very short session, it reliably makes me better at everything, especially making decisions. It lets me do my best. Yet I still do it only intermittently.

6) Creative work is something that can be done at any time. It’s no different than any other kind of work. Inspiration is nice but completely optional. I’ve almost completely come around on this one in 2013. But sometimes the Four Horsemen still trick me.

7) Acting the way you want to feel usually works. When I feel crappy just before I have to go do something, if I decide to act as if I am happy for a while (even though I’m not) I usually end up feeling happy after not too long, or at least much less crappy. This is straight out of Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project and it’s an extremely powerful thing to experiment with. [More on this in an upcoming post.]

8) Ninety-five per cent of my happiness comes from having a home, a functioning body and something to eat. I live in utter luxury, by any sensible standard of what “luxury” is. If I am unhappy it’s because I’ve lost perspective about the other five per cent.

9) Our minds are geared to manage much less than we typically end up managing. Modern people have so many options they conflict with each other in almost every area. The fewer things I have, the more I enjoy my things. The fewer goals I have, the better I do them. The smaller the portion size, the better food tastes.

10) The quickest and most reliable path to personal improvement is to do the things on my list that I resist most. Internal resistance should be taken as a big red sign guaranteeing rapid growth and new capabilities. Given my experience with the ecstasy that comes with overcoming resistance, logically I should be attracted to it by now.

11) All you need to do to finish things is keep starting them until they’re done. The idea of doing something in its entirety always seems hard. But it’s easy to commit to simply starting on something, and then you’re past most of the resistance. Continuing is just as easy. (Thanks to Leo Babauta for this one.)

12) Whenever I think I’m mad at a person, I’m really just mad at a situation. I’m mad because suddenly life requires something new of me, and it’s easy to implicate a person who contributed to that situation. I want the situation to be responsible for fixing itself, so I attribute it to someone else’s moral failing, and then I don’t have to feel responsible for this new problem of mine.

13) Ultimately, to get something done you have to forget about everything else while you do it. The mind is always telling you that 85 things are on fire and you need to do everything now. However you respond emotionally to it, to move things along you have to pick one to deal with, and let the rest continue burning while you do.

14) The most consistently joyful activities for me are visiting with other people and reading books. Aside from earning a living and a bit of travel there isn’t much else I need in my life. Somehow these two things are still not clear priorities. What are yours?

15) If I find myself in an argument, I’ve made a mistake. It doesn’t matter whose position makes more sense, because by the time it’s an argument any real communication has ended. Marshall Rosenberg’s brilliant method of Nonviolent Communication is a far more useful default response than argument, but I often forget it completely.

16) Few things matter long-term other than relationships, health, personal finance and personal growth. Crises in almost every other area turn over so quickly there’s not much reason to get upset at them. Interestingly, those four are the areas that probably contribute most to happiness in the short term too.

What fits this category for you?

***

Photo by David Cain

This makes me think of that feeling I get when I can’t do something I know I want to start. When I say can’t, I mean I’m at work or somewhere like that, and I feel like it’s going to be so easy and I feel good knowing I’m going to do it then I get home and it doesn’t end up getting done and the next day I wake up and wonder what happened. It always feels like it’s going to be so effortless when you physically can’t do the thing you know you need/want to do, that’s the moment you want to do it the most!

This is true. I’ve had musicians and song writers tell me they write on the walls in their shower as ideas pop into their heads.
Also, best ideas pop up in the morning, before we begin focusing on the day’s tasks or challenges. Coming straight from sleep, where our sub-conscious is still imprinting ideas on our mind.

Yes. Our best ideas happen in the shower. Because we are (most often) naked in the shower. Nothing artificial interferes with our creativity. If your mind has accompanied your body into the shower rather than being stuck elsewhere else, you cannot help but be creative.

What actually happens is, I get mad at my expectation of something being fullfilled, I.e. what my ego imagines to happen, not actually being fullfilled. That expectation is a fiction of the ego-based reality we have been taught. The ego is also the source of the rage.

So the expectation AND my reaction are fake.

The ego and the sensible wiseman in me, in all of us in fact, share the same space in the psychology. The ego can smother any of the base instincts we have, but over time if this is constantly knocked by life, psychosis can emerge. In fact, we traverse the face of the earth in a mild trance with psychosis bubbling in the background. As long as the most aware part of man can concentrate harder, they are kept at bay. This is the danger of an ego-based society, and this is the source of psychitrists fear of the mentalhealth of society in the very near future.

Especially when we find out all we needed was a simple lesson in using my mind to observe myself in stages, just by recognising there are layers to awareness most of us are ignorant to.

The ego must be paid-off with petty satisfaction and dazzeled with media and news. Even the outlet of such information becomes an ego trip, as one see’s on the possibility to ‘Like’ a page. And yet we all fail to recognise why this is ‘created’ in us, by the levels we are ‘held’ at, and the training programs we ‘have’ to attend to put roofs over our heads and food in our bellies. This is an absolute outrage against the freedom of every single individual on this planet who has ever done a days work.

I’d like to add something from my personal experience, regarding #2 (making excuses for not working out):

Even on the occasion that I *do* have a bad workout, I seldom regret it. If the “bad” thing was my performance, than a bad workout is still a better achievement than doing nothing. And if the “bad” thing was me feeling crappy during the workout – I won’t care about that a month from now, anyway.

As for the other items on your list, #10 is a real challenge for me. Doing the thing you fear the most… Well, logically, of-course, I get it and accept it. And on those rare occasions where I’ve actually mustered the courage to follow it through, I was greatly rewarded. But somehow, this doesn’t make it any easier for me. I’m still chickening out way too often.

Same here. I have noticed that when you do go ahead with something intimidating, the fear part disappears *very* quickly. For example, if it’s a phone call, the resistance is usually 90% gone once it’s ringing. Fear has this amazing ability to look like a big thick wall when often it’s a thin little shell.

That’s a great point about fear… you can’t see through it easily, so the density appears much greater from our perception of it. Best advice I ever got, “Lean into fear, use it as your compass” right before I left on an indefinitely long motorcycle adventure.

Yes it’s true David. I’ve been thinking along the same lines recently too.
I know lots of things in theory – like I know I shouldn’t worry, but often I worry and it’s totally draining. I’m guessing it’s a skill and hoping to master not worrying from now on.
Happy 2014 to you!
Maia

Very nice collection of things to think about. Numbers 9 and 10 fit together quite nicely. When we think about what we “need” to do we generally have a monster list instead of a small “big things” list. Our monster list is so intimidating that we don’t know where to start and just put everything off until later. When I make a very small “big things” list I won’t be overwhelmed with my list and I can concentrate on fewer of the most important to-dos. Concentrating completely on just one “big thing” at a time takes away the pressure of worrying about the other things and when you are done you have the pleasure of knowing that you did something of value without wasting time and energy. I used to make weekly to-do lists with 20 to 30 tasks and I was always stressed out and seldom accomplished all the important things that needed to be done. Now I make a very small weekly “big things” list and I always get them done. Strangely enough there is always time left over for a lot of other things too, but no stress.

I guess it’s a matter of finding a workflow system that works for us as individuals. I’m finally getting the hang of one I adapted from GTD. I have a big list, and each day I look at it and choose 3 or 4 items to do for the day, and I forget everything else. If I notice I’m thinking about other stuff, I give myself permission to ignore it and trust that I will actually get to it.

Your system sounds very similar to mine. Concentrating on the most important things first while freeing your mind of worrying about the other less important things for the day or week. It is simply concentrating on your priorities. Sounds simple but it requires practice, just like meditation.

Nice list. I’ll have to think about a couple of them. Some I don’t want to be true (like 12) – it’s all relative. It’s funny we could all come up with our own list and have a grand variety and all be right. The big one for me lately is “just because I’m right doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”

Very good list, and also agree that being able to make changes to it at the end of the year is an indication of growth.

#12 and #15 would be blended on my own list, or have a shared corollary: if I’m feeling that someone is being difficult, then I need to step back from them emotionally, the same as I would a colleague in an office-type job. That’s the time to put a lid on any desire to explode, be sarcastic, etc., and think in terms of the larger goal, which in my case is a minimum of wasted time, wasted energy, and bad vibes. It doesn’t always work, but it works often enough and I’ve found it easy to make it a habit. Then again, I might have something different to say about it at the end of next year ;)

I like all the items on the list, but one particularly spoke to me. #12. Whenever I’m mad at someone, I usually realize it is because I have lost balance in my life and feeling stressed about something or the other. It isn’t that person’s fault at all. It is my own. The sooner I do something about it, the better it is all around. Thanks for the list! Have a great new year!

Number 12 is something I recognized a long time ago, but I am still only beginning to learn. Almost all the moral arguments people make and the hatred they feel for a person are actually reactions to the situation they think someone has created. The world would be an extremely different place if it was normal to realize that in the moment.

#16 stood out. Two days ago, I decided to conduct a year long “experiment” in personal finance. Its something I have never done in the last 10 years I have been in employment. It is something simple, I know it to be good but somehow I have never gotten to do it. I want to save at least 10% of my daily, weekly and monthly income. I want to put away this money and live on 90% of my income. Living on 90% of my income seems easy on paper, but given that I have lived on roughly 150% of my income in my last 10 years, you understand what I am up against. I am excited about 2014.

btw, I was reflecting on 2013 this past weekend and the lessons of life in it when it hit me that as human beings we “know” so much and yet we do so little. If only we can get to really KNOW the things we think we know, then perhaps we can start doing them.
Thanks David for yet another wonderful post. Happy New Year!!

I read this recently: “Thinking or saying “I know I (fill-in-the-blank)” is putting up or reinforcing a block or a resistance to being, doing or changing that thing”.
I haven’t found a good work around yet – I think those mostly have to come up spontaneously…

I just finished doing this and the results were good. I started a year ago by downloading the entire previous year’s debit card transactions and categorizing them like you would for a budget. Then I did the same thing this year as I went along.

Having the numbers staring you in the face will be shocking but at the same time it makes the next steps to take very clear. If you haven’t already, check out Mr. Money Mustache for some advice on ways to save.

I started doing this about 3 years ago. It is amazing how easy it is to start saving / living on less when it is staring you in the face on a regular basis. Even something as basic as tracking the amount of money you take out of the ATM on a regular basis (and therefore have no idea where it really goes) can help. Good luck.

Oh and David great piece – thanks for the link to the ‘Nonviolent Communication’ book. I’ve ordered it already.

Louis CK has a great bit about clicking away on phones being like dying. Almost impossible for me to stop this obnoxious habit too. Thinking about starting a tech-free day, maybe Sunday. Maybe that’s a resolution for 2014. Thanks for being honest about all these things that are just so damned hard for whatever reason!

You are so good at putting my jumbled thoughts in writing. This list is exactly what I know I need to do, deep down, but somehow you manage to make it so simple. Thank you for a year of wonderfully written articles. Have a great 2014!

We have very similar lists. I actually ended up reading this right now because I was looking for distractions from my workout. The one about books being important is also a big one. I end up putting off some of the larger reading undertakings because I think it will take up too much of my time, but once I actually crack the cover, I end up immersed and extremely happy (see Bolano’s 2666–a fantastic read).

I just posted something about how to make resolutions for the New Year stick (http://lifedonewrite.com/2013/12/24/makes-good-new-years-resolution-make-stick/). By addressing a number of things on your list, 2013 was one of the best years of my life. And by continuing along a similar path, I foresee 2014 being a similarly wonderful year. You know you’re living well if each passing year strikes you as the best you’ve had yet.

#15 was pretty relevant for me this year. I had taken issue with a close friend without fully discussing the situation. This led to further decisions that hurt my close friend. I wasn’t willing to compromise/communicate because it’s simply easier to put up my false mask of “of course I’M right and YOU’RE wrong!” I’ve realized that we all have flaws and similar struggles. If we are taking issue with someone, it’s often because we have the same issue with ourselves.

What a great post. Even better due to the fact that you humbly admitted that you know them as truths yet have not learned them yet. I think many can relate to that. I would add for myself “Trust that everything is working out the way it should.”

#4. I’m TOTALLY on-board with you! But, I tend to be very, very lazy with housework. Which makes me feel bad. And then things get worse, and I feel worse…it’s a never-ending cycle. So when things are actually neat and straight, I feel TONS better!

#7. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but this is supremely difficult to do if you have serious emotional (clinical depression, etc.) or hormonal issues (a. k. a., PMS). This tactic *can* help to determine if one is having a pity party, or if one really is feeling crappy, though.

I don’t have a problem with #3, but my method for dealing with it is sadly inapplicable. I just have a deep-seated aversion to mobile technology that I developed as an on-call worker with a pager in the late ’90s. I often wish I could develop a similar aversion to wasting time on the internet at a more traditional computer (but then I almost certainly wouldn’t be writing this comment) :P

This is a very good list. I’ve been studying Buddhism & this relates quite closely to the dharma. I really enjoyed reading it. I like how u pointed out the ecstasy that its felt when overcoming ur resistance to act on something meaningful. I also feel that when I resist my temptations to do things that are harmful to my body and my growth as a human.

I would also like to answer the question in number 14. The things I enjoy doing most is teaching my kids even though in often lose my patience but I am also learning to do better with that. Also reading is my sanctuary I love to learn new things. And I really like painting but since I’ve become an adult I don’t manage my time well enough to have time to do it. So for 2014 I’m going to try harder to be better organized, more awake, and to stick to my commitments.

“6) Creative work is something that can be done at any time. It’s no different than any other kind of work. Inspiration is nice but completely optional. I’ve almost completely come around on this one in 2013. But sometimes the Four Horsemen still trick me.”

This is not completely true. Inspiration is an essential part of for example making music, if I don’t compose/write the song that’s playing in my head at the moment it is, I usually lose the inspiration altogether. So with making music and writing I’ve learned to “grasp the moment” whenever I feel inspired because unless I do the moment is lost forever. Usually this has meant sacrificing hours of sleep, which to me has been worth it

Amen to this-> “Acting the way you want to feel usually works.” I have a job sometimes I can’t stand. Yet I can now at anytime convince myself that I love it and it’s the most important job there is. This really works when you make it a habit. You can learn to be enthusiastic about anything (just about — enjoying having one’s toes pulled out one at a time is still tough to pull off). Happy New Year All!!!

This is a really interesting interpretation. I took it to mean acting upon your heart’s true desires, so in your example, I might have acted upon “not being able to stand my job” by just up and quitting and not perpetuating the cycle of “working unhappily to live just so I can live to work unhappily.” But your view is equally valid.

I don’t know the age of the person who wrote this article, but I do know my age 67 and I have yet to learn consistency in any of these characteristics. Of course I spend many year under the influence so it may not be such a wonder that I have many things yet to learn able living a spiritual life. I believe I need to at least be in the process of applying these concepts to my life if I want to achieve quality spirituality. By the way while being spiritual does not preclude religion it does not require religion either. The guns are going off, so Happy New year! and duck! Shooting guns is a foolish practice because what goes up must come down.

It is so nice to know that I am not the only one that feels the same things you have mentioned in this post. I too am a lover of the human experience and have been on my own personal journey to being a better human. It is amazing that year after year that we can continue to learn the same lessons, receive the same messages and yet it takes us so long to put these things into practice. When we realize our own truths, understand what really works for us and put it all into practice, life truly becomes magical! Great post! Happy New Year!

I can second you on the workout part. I had that same argument with myself today. Despite a stuffed head and an all around bleh feeling, I did some yoga and calisthenics and have felt a good bit better ever since. I think the resistance is not only the natural resistance to discomfort, but the built in tendency to conserve rather than expend energy. After all, our ancestors in the wild didn’t need to exercise to stay in shape. Mere survival took care of that for them pretty quickly.

Another thing I know: things take time. I might want it right now, but the world doesnt’ tend to work on my timeline. I’m working on a big project (a site, and books to go with it no less!) that I’m both excited and nervous about, and there have been plenty of times when the impatience/anxiety have gotten to the point where I was ready to quit. Which is silly of course because I like what I’m doing when I’m not making it harder than it needs to be. I just have to let it grow, and in its own time it will take the shape it will.

Thanks for these!
Totally relate to
1) The sooner you do something, the more of your life you get to spend with that thing done.
16) Few things matter long-term other than relationships, health, personal finance and personal growth.

The others are good as well. But as in personally, I feel these 2 strike me the strongest. Also to add. If I combine those 2.

The sooner you build relationships, health, personal finance and personal growth, the more of your life you get to spend with those things achieved.

Great information. I am going a different direction this year and except for some very specific projects, am not going to make lists. The lists were white rabbits and kept reproducing and taking over my life. I am trying to simplify my life and this is my first step.

This entry inspired me to go through my closets and donate that which can be donated and lay to rest that which is beyond repair. It took four and a half hours, four trips to the dumpster, six garbage bags, two boxes, and one boombox with leaky batteries, but my hall closet is done. Puzzles, books, gloves, and purses packed, old thermals in the washer. Next up, the linen closet and the bedroom closet, which no doubt contain shoes and more clothes for Goodwill.

I did keep my kindergarten report cards, though. ;-)

Also, love your site. I’ve been reading it on The Old Reader for months.

Great list. I have always had issues with 13. I often find myself trying to multitask and no doubt end up taking longer and doing a worse job on each item than if I’d just picked something and then worked through the list. I’ve been making to do lists for the last few years and it’s been really helpful, but I can still be caught out.

Another thing that people know is true but haven’t learned yet: Did you know that theoretically, since we can’t say where it comes from, where it goes to or even any way to place it in any physical ‘space’ that what we refer to as ‘the self’ is actually just a concept – an illusion.
Wow! We can put all of our lists down now because we actually don’t exist and there’s nothing to worry about!
It was all an Illusion! It was just evolutions’ way of ensuring that we would all try hard to succeed and be the best we can be to further our selves, families and other groups that are important to us because they define who we are. Phew, what a relief.

Great tips. I’d really like if you could explain how I could manage priorities better. I want to do a lot of computer stuff i.e learn programming languageS, graphics designing, blogging, 3D modelling, gaming among other things (I’m great at sketching as well).
The thing is, I’m not in TOO deep into these things (besides programming) but I’m moderately good at all these things.
But when I have free time, I can’t decide what I should do first, and this makes me more depressed than I’d like to admit.

I really enjoyed this list. However, there is one I do have a tough time with and thats house cleaning. It seems every time I clean my room, I always tend to bring more stuff than before. I find it hard to get unattached with “stuff” that I collect. How does one try to get unattached from things and have less clutter? Any advice on that?

It gets WAY easier when you reduce the amount of stuff you have. To get over your attachment to stuff you have to recognize that not everything you own adds value to your life, and in fact, beyond what you actually use, every extra thing takes away from quality of life. When you have fewer things, it’s like the whole world slows down. It might feel like tearing off a bandaid the first time you send off excess stuff to be donated, but it’s unlikely you will regret it.

Your toddler takes you away from number 3. Vice versa, your toddler makes number 4 damn near impossible and adds to a sense of clutter, both mental and physical. I don’t know how toddlers do it, but a vaccuumed floor only looks that way for five minutes MAX when there’s a toddler around.

Three things: toddlers, sanity and a clean house. You can only pick a maximum of two of these in any lifetime.

Babies and toddlers really force you to have balance over your years, not your days.

Haha! Greater challenges require even more disciplined and thoughtful solutions! Kids can be tough but it is entirely possible to have a clean house with them. Not all the time, of course, but during down time it can be very easy to clean up after them. I limit the number of possessions my child ‘owns’ and have a place reserved for each and every item. And when my child is asleep, I’m working hard to de-clutter my own life both for myself and as an example to her. So far, it is a very liberating process and has promoted my own self-discipline. After all, the child will be a reflection of the parent.

Great post, David. Appreciated your insights, especially the very concept itself – the difference between “knowing” something and actually internalising and implementing it. I’m with you on putting meditation (did a 10-day vipassana retreat) and reading books into this category. I have a solid practice during semester at university, but it falls apart when I get home during the break and ironically have more time than ever but no routine whatsoever. The latter gets completely neglected at uni (apart from compulsory readings) but indulged in during the break. So, how do we move from the knowing to the living? It probably comes down to establishing solid routines that then become habits. But what about the more subtle things, like mindsets and interactions with people? e.g. for me, I “know” that it’s important to be kind and humble when interacting with others, but can this be systematically improved?

Thank you for providing a blog which I can visit to enjoy and re-focus from time to time. The vagaries of living have a power of their own which can pull us from our own best planned goals – your blog is a handy road map for more focused living.
Best wishes for a fantastic 2014 for all of us!

i find this very contradictory the fact that you have a picture of Buddha where he is doing absolutely nothing and then you say “the thing I want to do is avoid doing something harder than surfing Reddit. During those minutes or hours, all I’m doing is dying.” so just sitting there, doing nothing must be a waste of time to you?

Steps to Inner Knowledge takes the individual on a journey that develops their self Knowledge. Knowledge/Holy Spirit is the most powerful force in the Universe. It is within you and you can do a self study format to strengthen this greater inherent power within. Knowledge can not be manipulated, corrupted, controlled or overtaken. You experience it in times of intuitive, instinctive and in your gut feelings. Steps to Knowledge reclaims to you this greater Inner Guidance system that you have within. Knowledge/Holy Spirit servers all worlds, all races, all religions and all Beings in all dimensions.

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