Friday, January 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The U.S. Post Office is raising the price of its forever
stamps. It was either that or deciding if the stamps were no longer good
forever and having to pick if they were valid for an epoch, era or eon.

CNN is looking for a reporter to cover “fake news” stories
and where they originate. Which means the new hire will walk around the
newsroom and ask the other CNN reporters what they are covering that day.

A Michigan man was arrested for DUI after already being
convicted 13 other times, Even Lindsay Lohan is telling the guy to take a cab
next time.

A report says more parents are using hypnosis to help their
children in school and sports. If anyone really wants to see their kid go into
a hypnotic trance, just let them sit down with an iPad for a couple of hours.

A Pennsylvania college is offering a course asking “Is God A
White Supremacist?” To which Donald Trump is saying contrary to popular belief,
no he is not.

A Pennsylvania college is offering a course asking “Is God A
White Supremacist?” Apparently the answer is that if he is not, why did He
arrange it so that Mel Gibson could shoot “The Passion of the Christ” about his
Son?

A study in Finland says sweating in a sauna is good for the
health of the brain. Which is good news for the mental state of Health
Secretary nominee Tom Price after going through his congressional confirmation
hearing.

Donald Trump is reportedly picking New York Jets owner Woody
Johnson as his ambassador to the United Kingdom. To which George W. Bush says
he hopes he will be picked as ambassador to the Magic Kingdom.

Donald Trump is reportedly picking New York Jets owner Woody
Johnson as his ambassador to the United Kingdom. Apparently he wants him to go
there and fix the crazy times they schedule the NFL games played in London.

Rick Perry says he “regrets” calling for the closing of the
Energy Department he is now nominated to head. Most people aren’t as concerned
about that as they are waiting for him to say he regrets appearing on “Dancing
With The Stars.”

A competitor to the EpiPen allergy remedy will reportedly be
on the market soon. The fear is that if the price is low enough, it could cause
the CEO of Mylan to go into anaphylactic shock.

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin admits his bank
foreclosed on the Octomom. Which is nice to admit to a congressional panel
while seeking confirmation that you threw eight kids out on the street at the
same time.

The St. Louis Public Library computers have reportedly been
hacked for ransom. Which is only a big deal to the homeless people who come in
to use them to access online porn sites anyway.

The St. Louis Public Library computers have reportedly been
hacked for ransom. Which means if they aren’t back up and working in the next
six weeks, they will have to use their backup manual system to help that one
person check out a book.

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin says he wants to
raise the debt ceiling “sooner than later.” So much for the new administration
even pretending to come in trying to balance the budget.

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin says he wants to
raise the debt ceiling “sooner than later.” Although honestly, once the
national debt has hit $20 Trillion do we even need to pretend we will ever
actually try to pay it off?

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin says it was an
“oversight” he forgot to disclose he has $100 Million in assets in an offshore
Cayman Islands account. What’s the big deal? If you are overseeing a $20
Trillion debt, you are bound to misplace a few hundred million dollars here or there.

McDonald’s has introduced different sizes of the Big Mac,
the smaller Mac Jr. and larger Grand Mac. The Mac Jr. will help in clogging up
the smaller capillaries while the Grand Mac is for those who want to go
straight to obstructing major arteries.

McDonald’s has introduced different sizes of the Big Mac,
the smaller Mac Jr. and larger Grand Mac. It’s for people who like to make the
decision whether they are going for Diabetes Type 2, a heart attack or stroke.

The latest round of recalls for Takata airbags includes
652,000 more vehicles. Ironically, during criminal investigations of the
company, when top executives are asked how this happened that is the one thing
they say they can’t recall.

Germany is about to become the latest country to legalize
medical marijuana. It’s a good thing they are waiting until now to do it. If
pot had been legalized back in 1989 they would still be working on when they
would start tearing down the Berlin Wall.

A study says cutting back on calories could extend the life
of a person by 18 years. So who wants to live another 18 years sitting down to
the same dinner every night of tofu and Brussels sprouts?

Atlanta Falcons guard Andy Levitre’s wife attended last
week’s playoff game while in labor. The only problem is now the league’s
lawyers are wondering if that type of labor falls under the latest collective
bargaining agreement.

A new species of moth has been named for President Donald
Trump. Apparently scientists felt it was appropriate to name an insect that
eats wool after the man who is pulling it over everyone’s eyes.

A study says 1 in 5 trauma patients in Chicago is treated at
an ill-equipped hospital. Mostly because with more than 800 homicides this year
it’s not like many of them have a chance at surviving their attack in the first
place.

A study says 1 in 5 trauma patients in Chicago is treated at
an ill-equipped hospital. Doctors figure if the other 4 survived long enough to
make it to the ER they can get by with a band aid, aspirin and set of Rosary
beads.

Some states are pushing for cost-free vasectomies for men. Which
is not to be confused when governments say they are going to have to find ways
to take health care and make some cuts.

“Flip or Flop” star Tarek El Moussa is slamming what he
calls “lies” and “fake news” about his split from his wife. Which most people
agree, saying how can something be fake news if it doesn’t actually qualify as
being called news in the first place?

The movie “A Dog’s Purpose” is under fire for video showing
apparent animal cruelty during the filming. Which shows that in Hollywood, a
dog’s purpose is the same as that of a human. Make the movie studio more
profits.

The movie “A Dog’s Purpose” is under fire for video showing
apparent animal cruelty during the filming. Apparently a dog used in the
production was seen being forced by its owner to watch an Adam Sandler film.

Alanis Morissette's former manager has admitted he
embezzled $4.8 Million from the singer. People were shocked. How did Alanis
Morissette end up with nearly $5 Million?

Alanis Morissette’s former manager has admitted he
embezzled $4.8 Million from the singer. Now isn’t that ironic?

Judge Reinhold has pleaded no contest to a TSA meltdown in
Dallas. He was hoping for leniency from the court as he saw the person
presiding over the case and he have the same first name.

Woody Harrelson is getting help from Willie Nelson on a film
project he is working on in London. The only problem is that there is enough
weed being smoked between those two to push the projected premier date for the
movie back to 2035.

The Raiders have filed paperwork for their planned
relocation to Las Vegas. The only problem will be moving to a city that could
be flagged 24/7 for excessive celebration.

Protesters are planning on taking down the website
Whitehouse.gov to protest Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Although they may be
beat by Russian hackers working on orders from Vladimir Putin who doesn’t want
to see Trump getting more airtime than him.

Protesters are planning on taking down the website
Whitehouse.gov to protest Donald Trump’s Inauguration. If they really want to
shake up the White House they will try to instead hack into and disable Trump’s
Twitter account.

The Chinese are planning on building a “super, super”
computer than can perform a “billion billion” calculations a second. Like with
their panda bears, is there anything the Chinese can do without using the same
word twice?

The Chinese are planning on building a “super, super”
computer than can perform a “billion billion” calculations a second. Which is
still only about half the speed that Donald Trump can send out the same number
of tweets.

Facebook is fighting against potential hate speech fines in
Germany. Which is hard to imagine being penalized for that in a country that has
a language that makes singing “Happy Birthday” sound like hate speech.

A newly discovered asteroid has been named for Wil Wheaton
of “Star Trek.” Which is not to be confused with the hemorrhoid named after
William Shatner.

USA Today will livestream Donald Trump’s Inauguration in
Virtual Reality. And what better way to describe the incoming Trump
Administration as some other kind of reality?

A robot reporter got its first article published in a
Chinese newspaper, writing a 300 character long report in one second. One and a
half if you include the extra time it took for spellcheck and editing.

A robot reporter got its first article published in a
Chinese newspaper, writing a 300 character long report in one second. To which
CNN is saying “Yeah, but how long does it take it to make up and write a
convincing fake news story?”

A study says adult dog owners post pictures or talk about
their dogs six times a week. Which is still better than the non-pet owners who
post selfies and show pictures of what they ate for breakfast seven times a
week.

A study says 1 in 10 dog owners crate a separate social media account for their pet. The sad part is having to explain to their female dog she was unfriended for being a bitch.

Data says that January is the busiest time of year for
dating sites. Especially for women whose current boyfriend bought them a vacuum
cleaner for Christmas.

At a candlelight dinner, Donald Trump proclaimed the
election as a “victory for all of us.” At least for the people in attendance
who could afford the $150,000 per plate admission fee.

At a candlelight dinner, Donald Trump proclaimed the
election as a “victory for all of us.” Well, at least for the almost half of
American voters who actually cast their ballot for him.

Donald Trump has decided to give up his personal cellphone
as President. Which without his ability to send out tweets at any given time is
just one more step towards world peace.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As of this writing,
we are still under the administration of Barack Obama. I am going to miss him.
I think he came in and did a pretty good job with what he was left with when he
took over the White House. However, he was nowhere near the comedy gold mine of
who is replacing him. I hope Donald Trump makes a good President and leads us
in the right direction, although I am not holding my breath. Sometimes it is
good to be wrong and this would be that time. So let’s just get on with it,
hope for the best and at least know that for the next four years there will be
plenty of material to keep this blog going. All you need to do is remember to
always keep on sending the love!