Author
Topic: My Anxiety Has Gotten Out Of Control (Read 272 times)

Hi there. ^-^ I'm Pixelheart. You can call me Pixel, though. c: I won't give myself a big introduction, I'll save that for the forum in which it belongs.

I'll get down to the problem, though. I've been dealing with anxiety for a long, long time. Now, I'm not sure that this is too personal, but since it sorta relates to my problem, I'll tell you. I'm only 15. So yeah, I'm fairly young. And if that violates the Terms set for this site, I will edit it out. Anyways, as I was saying, I'm struggling through a tough time at the moment. I'm scared of almost everything, quiet literally. I'm a happy person, you see... My family and teachers have always told me and my parents that I am very bright. But when I was younger, I used to get picked on a lot. People would kill insects infront of me just to make me cry. They would hurt me physically and mentally, but I still tried to make friends and be nice. I believe this led to my current social problems. I was also afraid of storms, the dark, and a lot of other things. As I got a bit older, it got worse and worse. I now have nervous habits, and I am ruining my life because I refuse to interact with a lot of people. I'll give so examples though of my habits.

- I cover my toes/feet under the blanket no matter what because I'm scared somebody will cut my feet off or my toes

- Every night I check around the house a couple to a few times every night to make sure everything is locked

- I refuse to sleep some nights to keep watch over the house

- I tell my mom and dad I love them every morning, day, and night incase something happens to me or them

- I sleep with a phone on my bedside table, sometimes with 911 punched into the phone

- I refuse to go to malls/theaters sometimes in case of bombing or other terrible things that may happen

- I trust nobody no matter where I go

- I feel like I have to remain cautious and alert 24/7 for other's sake

- I won't fall asleep because I fear there may be a tornado overnight

This is just the beginning. Is it safe to call it a disorder? I don't know... But here's the biggest thing:

I'm afraid of not being afraid.

Yeah, weird. Everytime I worry about something to the extreme, it never happens. So I'm scared to feel relaxed, or safe. Because if I do, I fear the opposite will happen.

I think I need some input, please. I need help. It took me a lot of courage to post this, because I hate criticism and being harassed, but I believe that this is a friendly site. Thank you, if you spent time to read this. I've tried counseling, but not for specifically anxiety troubles. I do need some input. Thank you.

Thanks for coming by and sharing your experience with us . . . you'll find that we are a pretty welcoming place and I cannot think of anyone who would be critical of one of us seeking help and reassurance . . . . I have been here for about 2 years and I really can't think of a time when someone was nasty . . . probably because the moderators keep a close eye on what is going on and more likely because we know what it is like to be working through issues . . .

I hear, Pixel, what you are saying . . . even though I am far away from 15 years old, I still remember being picked on and trying so hard to be friends and having my peers just, well, make fun of me. No matter who told me that it didn't matter, well it did. Even though I had extremely supportive parents, I became increasing anxious about most things. Even though I am 1000 times better, there are some times in my life that I have to ensure that everything is locked up and even if I am sure, I will check again . . . thankfully, these episodes are few and far between now . . . I think, and I am just speaking for me as I am not a professional, but I think that when I was having problems relating to the people in my outside world, I turned my anxiety inwards and so I would be able to have a target for the anxiety, I started being afraid of everything . . .it became a comfort zone because, for me, then I knew there was a reason for my anxiety but it was a misplaced reason . . .

Now, no one here can diagnose if you have a disorder or not because we are not trained professionals which brings me to another question for you to consider and you do not have to post any answers or say anything you don't want to share but have you spoken to your parents about this specifically? It seems that you need to work with someone who is specially trained in anxiety . . . .the good news is that our brains do not stop forming until our mid 20s so now is an ideal time to start to work through some of your issues . . . it is not a one time event but it will take time . . .

As for the outside world and your peers . . . and this has nothing to do with age but with experience . . . . sometimes peers are jealous and sometimes they are just mean because they are unhappy with themselves . . . .you cannot be everything to everyone . . .but you can be the best you that you can be . . . . yes, this does take courage and independent thought but if you are a bright and happy person, then you need to cultivate these qualities as you are working your way guided by a counselor to reframe your anxiety . . . does it take strength of character to cut an independent personality? yep, it does. Is it hard work? Yep, it is. Will you get frustrated? Yeah, in all likelihood . . .. but, perhaps there are outside volunteer activities where your unique talents will be appreciated . . .perhaps you have a hobby that you would like to refine and bring up to the level of an independent business . . . . you may have created a comfort zone out of being anxious . . .a comfort zone is simply some reality that is familiar even if it is negative but you can create any comfort zone you want and you can write any history for your life you want . . . .

Now, before I sign off, let me tell you something about the person I think you are --- I think you are strong as you took the initiative to share your story; I think you are bright because you are extremely articulate for a 15-year old; I think that you are fundamentally a happy person because you know deep down that is where you want to be; and I think that you are particularly courageous to share your experience with us . . .whenever you can and you feel that you want to, do come and post here if only to say hi, but let us know how we might be able to support you and please know that we depend on you to support us also . . . .everyone's experience here has a value . . . take care, kc