0

Are you ready for Donald Trump to (not really) give you (not real) money for your (not really) amazing project? Well, (not really his) new site, FundAnything, is ready to take your money!

The new funding site is (not really) run by Trump (it is really headed up by the Bill Zanker, founder of the Trump-infested Learning Annex) but darn it if it doesn’t look like the Donald won’t give you cash if you ask him nice!

People do not assume this but more than anything else, I like helping people. Be at Trump Tower at 11 AM today.

The site began its life/death cycle today with typical Trump flair. This morning the Trumpster tweeted that he was about to give out loads of cash on the street because, presumably, he has nothing better to do on a Wednesday. However, he is really giving out money to pre-selected people and some folks pulled from the crowd. Arguably, his attempts at charity, though mendacious and baldly cloying, are noble. From the press release:

The world’s most famous billionaire businessman, Donald Trump, will be distributing suitcases filled with cash to 3 people he has chosen to help. The 3 individuals who will be on hand to receive the money will include a family afflicted by a life-threatening medical condition, a small business owner crippled by the effects of Hurricane Sandy, and an aspiring singer-songwriter. Mr. Trump is inviting the public to attend the event where some people in the crowd will also be selected to receive additional piles of money.

The rules are sufficiently abstract but similar to Indiegogo’s — at least in spirit. FundAnything charges a 9 percent fee on the contributions you collect if your project isn’t fully funded. It takes 5 percent on projects that are funded. There’s also a processing fee of 3 percent.

Will FundAnything be successful? Well, considering they’ve overtly borrowed the site design of the two leading platforms, Indiegogo and Kickstarter, and, more importantly, have a big picture of Donald Trump on the front page, I seriously doubt success is in the cards. Startups that hire “stars” to flog their launches are usually the worst kind of startups simply because this suggests a level of self-regard and showmanship that turns off early adopters and draws all the wrong kind of customers. I could, for example, imagine FundAnything attempting a TV campaign based on the premise that Trump will fund your stuff. Those suckered into the site will slowly realize that Trump, like a dark, necrotic god, is powerless to help them.

Until they shutter this mess, stare into his eyes, mortals, and weep. He is Trump, avatar of Mammon. All hail!