Flashes of insight from the Everyman. Weekly observational posts. Part comedy, part philosophy, part temper tantrum, Lightning Bug's Butt is always good for a laugh and/or a place to send your hate mail.
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7/28/2005

Rest in Peace

I'm sure you've heard of college professors assigning their students the task of writing their own eulogies. Here's a twist on that assignment, much like the game show, Jeopardy, only without the pretentious Canadian ass and the 3 sickeningly bright contestans. Oh, and it's an imaginary funeral, not trivia. Come to think of it, just forget about the Jeopardyanalogy altogether.

Anyway, here are some things you WON'T read on my tombstone. I hope you enjoy them. And please, if you'd like to share, leave a few of your own tombstone inscriptions for the rest of us to read.

Here Lies

Lightning Bug's ButtHusband, Father, Blogger1971 -- 2070

I wish I would have spent more time working. I wish I would have taken my job more seriously, done whatever it took to please the boss, and fought to get ahead in my career. Looking back, I see that your job is what makes or breaks you. All the other stuff is trivial.

I wish I would have accumulated more stuff. If I only had more stuff, I would have been happy.

I’m glad I took other people’s shit gracefully, stifled my wants and needs, and censored my sense of humor. Otherwise, I might have offended somebody -- and that would have been disastrous.

I’m glad I passed on all that delicious junk food. Those health experts knew what they were talking about; they always have. It’s a miracle I ever died. I avoided everything they said would kill me.

I’m glad I scrimped and saved my money. I’m in a much better position to enjoy it now that I’m dead.

I’m glad I squandered my money on non-essential things. It turns out money DOES grow on trees!

I’m glad I didn’t just walk away from those petty annoyances. The anger and frustration raging inside me conjured my best game. I showed all those faulty computers, damaged appliances, household repairs and inconsiderate people who the boss is.