Fern's Breasts join Strictly Cum Dancing

Following the shock departure of Fern Britton's breasts from This Morning, showbiz reporter Stacky McHump confirms, that after some tense showbiz negotiations they will be appearing weekly on Strictly Cum Dancing.

Fern's sumptuous baps follow a long line of yummy mummies awarded the job of titillating young prepubescent boys (and indeed dirty old men) of a Saturday evening on BBC.

The owner of a similarly yummy rack and thighs to match, who wished to remain anonymous, but whose name rhymes with Chelsea Barret, commented 'Oooh, I loved being a right flirty strumpet, half naked and groped live at 6.30pm was just lovely - beats Ready Steady Cook any day.'

In other strictly news, Nasha Kaplinsky, who won one series was, allegedly, never competed once. According to my sources, it was actually a professional ballroom dancing dwarf in a Kaplinsky suit.

Bosses declined to comment except to say that a licence fee increase was imminent to cover the wild parties, numerous trips abroad and expense accounts of the top brass (and Gethin Jones).

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