The Extroverted Introvert

What do Michelle Pfeifer, Julia Roberts, David Letterman, and Clint Eastwood have in common? They’re all extroverted introverts. And it’s an increasing phenomenon.

Thanks to the Western world’s favoritism of extroverts, we introverts feel as though we must force ourselves to change. We feel as though we must become actors masquerading under finely tuned masks all the time. While sometimes it does help to temporarily tap into your inner extrovert – as introverts we seem to be under the impression that in order to excel in our careers, life ambitions and connections, we must become actors all day every day, without exception. Unfortunately this leads to endless amounts of burnout, anxiety and sometimes even depression.

The truth is: many of us don’t give ourselves a break! We fail to create balance in our lives, and so our socially gregarious facades swallow our entire lives. Sometimes our true selves are buried and repressed so deeply under our daily masks so often that we loose touch with what makes us ‘us’.

Many introverts realize that they must become experts in personal appearances and self promotion in social settings. Many of us realize that simply being ourselves won’t cut it all the time. We can’t remain quiet, reserved or autonomous. We must function by igniting connections with people. And in order to do that we need to exude the energy and charisma of extroverts.

So while it can indeed be practically helpful to channel our “extroverted selves” in our work lives, friendship circles and family lives every now and then, many of us introverts fail to set healthy boundaries. If we have not developed enough self-awareness, our extroverted selves can wreak havoc in our inner and outer lives.

Before I discovered the true value of mindfully channeling my “inner extrovert”, I adopted the extroverted introvert facade out of fear: fear of failing and fear of not being liked or accepted by others. I’ve worked in a variety of jobs throughout the years – a convenience store, a public library and a candle shop – and all demanded different things from me. But the one thing all of my jobs had in common (which you might identify with) was dealing with lots of people all the time. Understandably … I felt a lot of pressure, and at first adopting the role of the extroverted introvert was a way to cope with my crippling insecurities and social pressures.

I would force myself all day every day to exude ridiculous amount of energy – energy that I just couldn’t continue to give away, or keep up with. So many times I would simply crash. My extrovert facade would entirely crumble in front of everyone and I would become brusque, quiet and unresponsive. What a shock to everyone! My coworkers, customers and boss would become perplexed, offended and confused.

But don’t get me wrong. We all have an energetic “extroverted” side within us – it’s just that we all have it to different degrees. For those of us who are on the bottom of the energy spectrum (introverts) it really helps to know you limits. However, in order to know your limits and know when to slowly transition out of your extroverted self, we need to be able to identify what is motivating us to be extroverted introverts in the first place.

Signs That Being an Extroverted Introvert is Harming You

1. You feel the need to live up to an identity you have created every time you go out.

2. You are afraid that if anyone truly saw the “real you” they wouldn’t accept or like you.

3. You feel dirty or dishonest.

4. You feel chronically tense and anxious.

5. You feel exhausted and completely drained at the end of the day.

6. You have poor immunity to sickness.

7. You reject and/or ridicule your naturally quiet self and wish you could be “different” or like “everyone else.”

8. You feel as though every interaction with others takes a lot of effort

9. You feel attached to the identity/mask/image you have created because you feel protected from others.

As I mentioned before, tapping into your extroverted self is not necessarily a detrimental, or bad thing to do. Many times exuding energy is needed or necessary. However, when we are motivated by fear, anxiety or low self-esteem, our masks can be destructive to our well-being.

Helpful Questions

If you have adopted an extroverted facade out of fear, anxiety or low self-esteem, you might benefit from asking the following questions. Write down your responses on a piece of paper, or digital document, and assess your thoughts and feelings. This is an excellent way to better understand yourself, and change your actions from instinctual and unconsciously driven, to consciously driven.

Why do I adopt this mask?

What insecurities and issues do I have that cause me to react? Perhaps low self worth, lack of trust in my abilities, excessive anxiety, inability to cope with others, etc.

What can I do about my insecurities and issues?

If I feel the need to be liked – why?

Do I like and respect myself enough?

Where does my sense of worth and self esteem come from? Others, or myself?

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The more self-awareness you develop, the more you will be able to accept the person you are with open arms. This is what I have learnt in my personal struggles.

Once you are comfortable with who you are and the innumerable gifts you have, you can move on to learning how to tap into your inner extrovert in a safe and beneficial way. I wrote about how to do this in this article. Remember: with self-acceptance comes the keys to unimaginable social and personal freedom!

Any of your person thoughts, experiences or feelings will be welcomed below!

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is an influential psychospiritual writer whose work has changed the lives of thousands of people worldwide. After escaping the religious sect she was raised in, Luna experienced a profound existential crisis that led to her spiritual awakening. As a spiritual counselor, diviner, and author, Luna's mission is to help others become conscious of their entrapment and find joy, empowerment, and liberation in any circumstance. [Read More]

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Hi Luna,
I was wondering – did you come up with the harmful signs and questions to check if one has adopted the extroverted behavior using your own observations or are they part of psychological studies?
I am working on a paper on introvert adaptability in a work place and acting extroverted, so it would be helpful to know. Thank you very much for your answer!

Im a student and work part-time, so Im constantly encountered by social situations that seem to leave me feeling nervous and anxious, wondering whether Id interacted like a normal person would have – every interaction feels like a huge effort. Its getting to a point where as soon as I get home I hide away in my room to seclude myself, even from my own partner. Your post has given me hope and I’m going to try your helpful questions :)

Aletheia, I feel like I want to be more extroverted and be the life of the party, but Im unable to create a mask im comfortable with. I havent created a mask, and I do feel like I want to be an extrovert. It just always seems like extroverts have great lives and better social skills than us introverts. No offense to any introvert that reads this by the way. Yea, I do want to change myself because I feel like being quiet isnt enough, people always have more fun being with talkative, outgoing people. I dont know if its because I have a crush on someone, and maybe I want to become more extroverted to impress that person, because that person is a very dynamic and outgoing person. So in conclusion, yes I do feel like I want to change myself. I even read the article about the perks of being an introvert, and even that didnt satisfy me because for kids my age, 13-15 year olds, the only thing they care about is laughing every chance they get, which isnt a bad thing but just that theyre disrespectful and that kind of stuff, you know? I hope either you, Luna or Sol can read this and give me advice.

You really hit the nail on the head. I tapped into my extrovert more than a decade ago to overcome personal and professional hurdles that seemed insurmountable as an introvert. Now, it is hard to shirk the mask when I want, and when I tell people I am an introvert, they look at me like I don’t know what the word means.
“How can you be? All of that energy, charm and charisma says you are an extrovert.”
Understandably, my coworkers have no idea how to handle me, since, as you mentioned, the facade crumbles when I over extend myself, and my true nature is exposed, leaving people generally feeling threatened and confused.
Thanks for reminding me I am not alone in this.

Same. I think I was 22 working at Old Navy (38 now) when one day, I finally got sick and tired of coworkers always asking me, “What’s wrong?”, “Why are you so quiet?”, that from one day to the next I decided to put my extrovert self on full display.

Thank you soooo much for this article. Until now I thought I might be a bit crazy and also didn’t realize that there may be others like me. (I’m going to meet a group of long time college friends next month, I haven’t seen some of them in 40 years. They’re great guys. At first the thought of it was really, really exciting…now I’d do almost anything to get out of it. We’re going to hang out together for 3 days. I feel anxious, guilty and exhausted. I know I’ll pull it off and my even be the life of the party but I know it’s going to be a struggle.)

This was an amazing post. Short, but so full of insight. I feel I am two different people, cold and unemotional so I can deal with society and all its demands. People tend to hurt me a lot so I have to turn on the calloused persona to be able to survive my day. My other side is fun, loving and gentle. If I put my heart on my sleeve and someone betrays me with harsh words or criticism, I tend to retreat and shut everyone out. I find I have painted myself into a corner and I don’t reach out to anyone, then the depression starts.

I don’t know how to deal with these two personas. I don’t like my cold side, she’s inauthentic, but I can’t risk the pain of my loving gentler side being exposed. I have dealt with this issue since I was a teen and have been fumbling my way through it. This article spoke to me so I thought I would give it a try and see how other people who feel the same way handle it. I’m sure there are a few of you out there.

It’s rarely one comes across an introvert. In my whole life, I have met only three, including myself. It gives me immense pleasure when I come across someone from the same tribe. The hidden extrovert in me that came out when I was in my twenties slowly disappeared by the time I reached forty. Now I am comfortable only in silence and solitude.

Solitude happens to us naturally. I can be alone and silent for days but the challenge is to silence the mind. It is very easy to get distracted with thoughts and live in one’s own world. Can you recommend a way to control this ?

Once again thank you for the wonderful write-ups you and Sol share with us on this spiritual journey towards self. You both are amazing !!! Much much gratitude !!! Namaste _/|_

I’m a real Jekyll/Hyde about this topic. In most large gatherings I can be a real wallflower and I hate being hugged or touched by total strangers. But face-to-face encounters I can really pour on the charm, if need be. On one hand I can identify some very honorable qualities in myself that I highly value. But on the other hand its like the message from the “outside” has always been, at worse a subtle “you ain’t crap” but more obviously “…thanks but no thanks”. So my whole adult life has been a constant juggle between these two dichotomies and trying to reconcile the two. And what’s just as troubling is that nobody has an answer for it beyond shrugged shoulders or trite platitudes/cliches.

The impression is all too often that if you don’t have a winning personality/charisma you have no real status in society at large.

I’m an ambivert and this article was still helpful for me. Through online questionares and research I’ve realized that I’m both extroverted and introverted, but it depends what’s the setting and my mood. However this article shows me that I need to give my introverted side love and attention too. So now I don’t feel guilty anymore when I unplug my phone (stop communicating via text, phone) or cancel plans to focus on me. It’s extremely important for my mental balance and health.

Yes, guilt is one of the worst things to deal with! I’d recommend letting your friends/family know that you want to spend time alone relaxing because sometimes it can come as a shock (or a blow) to them when you disappear off the face of the planet.

Thanks for this wonderful post. I have been thinking about this for a while. Sometimes I have to call on my inner extrovert, but I have to be careful not to lose the inner self.
It is comforting to know that I am not alone.

In some culture, being an introvert is considered to be just fine. And introverts are recognized as people who have much to offer as they are very thoughtful.

Sometimes I have to push myself to be “one of the crowd” when it is necessary (and that’s OK), but now I feel more comfortable knowing that it’s quite alright to be an introvert. I also like Susan Cain’s book and her speeches on telling us that being an introvert is just fine, and we are in good company,

I’m really glad you appreciated it Lauren. :) I’ve learned that when it comes to the people we are, everything is OK. If we want to be quiet, that’s OK. If we want to be part of the crowd, that’s OK. Because why shouldn’t it be? Issues only arise when there is some kind of resistance to our present state of being.

I was just at Disneyland with my co-workers, boss and his wife. There is a lot of standing in line and I was my quiet self. No one really knows this “quiet” me because at work I am described as “high energy” and very outgoing (I am in sales). So the next day after the Disneyland outing, my boss says to me, “You just stood there and did not say much.” Like there is something wrong with me and/or I was not being very friendly. This has always been an issue and it does not make me very popular and I feel so uncomfortable trying to force small talk. Quiet people come off as no fun….and I guess I want to be more fun, but I can’t …in that way. If I felt OK about this, there would be no problem. But I feel that I am judged as a bore and I don’t like that. Of course, I want to be liked. Maybe I need to let that go, but so far I still feel bad about myself after an outing like I described here with others. How do I feel OK about myself? I may know intellectually but I feel hurt and rejected. Thank You for the article. I will look and consider this more deeply.

As a late bloomer (weighted down by the baggage of a dysfunctional family and parents who were personality disordered and comfortable wearing “masks” to the outside world) I am still finding my own sweet spot between who I am authentically and what I feel I need to be to the outside world. You use the term “Extroverted Introvert” and I always used the term “Learned Extrovert” to describe myself, but of course, they are the same thing. At the article’s core, the message is that wearing masks can be exhausting and detrimental to everyone and the people around them. I am addressing this by writing a how-to dating book that “dares to get real” and give people the tools to see beyond the masks of the people that they are dating. @DateMeister, http://www.themaryreilly.com

Pretty good article, though I think more could be said about extroverted introverts.

Being yourself will always “cut it”, so long as you are honest with yourself and verbally communicate with those you interact with (otherwise, it’s like giving the cold shoulder, which can be rude). Pandering to social pressures weakens a person, unless part of a larger scheme for other gains, but I abhor b***sh*t and posturing, and won’t accept it as normal.

I don’t particularly care for this post. You describe “extroverted introverts” under a set of guidelines that isn’t true for everyone who fits this label.

I appreciate that this is how you and many others feel, but you lack the perspective in this piece of writing that there are others who don’t feel this way and anyone who doesn’t fit this is going to feel more alienated.

I am an extroverted introvert. I am warm, inviting, charismatic and social; I would be described by acquaintances as an extrovert. I’m not hiding anything. I’m not wearing a mask. I like to share myself to help others out of empathy and compassion. However, I prefer to be alone and I feel very little desire to actually connect with most people beyond being empathetic to their needs. The world in my head is inviting and safe. Large groups of people in which I am merely a part of and not the inspirer in give me intense panic-attack anxiety. I feel out of place and hide in the corner. I have thousands of acquaintances and 4-5 close friends.

When I started playing video games online, I felt so at home. I could hide and also be a social butterfly at the same time. I know there are others who feel the same way. I hope that anyone who reads this comment and feels this way knows they aren’t alone.

I loved this entire article! You made me learn and understand myself a lot more then I could put into my own words. Finally found a persons who understood how I felt and I dont feel so alone anymore. Thank you so much and I hope more people like us can find this and know they are not alone anymore.

Thank you for this very thought provoking post. I’ve just stumbled onto your website and am finding it very comforting.

For many years I have been struggling with my own identity and trying to be someone I am not, or someone I feel society expects me to be (even if that is not necessarily the case). I think I used to be ok with me, but lost myself somewhere along the way.

For quite some time I have been trying to understand why I am the way I am. Why I enjoy being alone. Why I feel quite low after social interactions/family gatherings (even if I do enjoy my them to a certain degree..In small doses :) Why I only ever have 1-2 friends at any given time. Why I have created a career for myself where I work from a home office rather than in a busy office filled with people (been there and done that)…You get the idea :)

For a while I’ve thought perhaps I’m suffering from depression or anxiety and taken natural measures to try to fix this, however I don’t think I am depressed as I feel quite happy when I’m on my own. I’ve always known I am an introvert however felt this was a negative personality trait and one that can be overcome with enough self talk and exposing/forcing myself into social settings.

As I’m sure you are aware this doesn’t really work out too well. I end up hating myself because I am not living up to the witty, charismatic, barrel of laughs person I think I should be. I feel varying degrees of anxiety talking to new people I’ve met (and certain acquaintances/family members). Anyway it has all led to me becoming quite miserable and punishing myself for not being who I think I aught to be.

Just recently I’ve had a bit of an epiphany (thanks to your website and other material) that being introverted is not a character flaw, but something to be embraced. It is who I am and I should not punish myself because of it. I am waffling…Just felt the need to express my thoughts/feelings here, which is something I rarely do. Thank you.

Thank you for this very thought provoking post. I’ve just stumbled onto your website and am finding it very comforting.

For many years I have been struggling with my own identity and trying to be someone I am not, or someone I feel society expects me to be (even if that is not necessarily the case). I think I used to be ok with me, but lost myself somewhere along the way.

For quite some time I have been trying to understand why I am the way I am. Why I enjoy being alone. Why I feel quite low after social interactions/family gatherings (even if I do enjoy my them to a certain degree..In small doses :) Why I only ever have 1-2 friends at any given time. Why I have created a career for myself where I work from a home office rather than in a busy office filled with people (been there and done that)…You get the idea :)

For a while I’ve thought perhaps I’m suffering from depression or anxiety and taken natural measures to try to fix this, however I don’t think I am depressed as I feel quite happy when I’m on my own. I’ve always known I am an introvert however felt this was a negative personality trait and one that can be overcome with enough self talk and exposing/forcing myself into social settings.

As I’m sure you are aware this doesn’t really work out too well. I end up hating myself because I am not living up to the witty, charismatic, barrel of laughs person I think I should be. I feel varying degrees of anxiety talking to new people I’ve met (and certain acquaintances/family members). Anyway it has all led to me becoming quite miserable and punishing myself for not being who I think I aught to be.

Just recently I’ve had a bit of an epiphany (thanks to your website and other material) that being introverted is not a character flaw, but something to be embraced. It is who I am and I should not punish myself because of it. I am waffling…Just felt the need to express my thoughts/feelings here, which is something I rarely do. Thank you.

Jason, your words sound very much like my own a few years ago when I was struggling with the exact same issues — with wanting to live up to a witty, charismatic, gregarious image which I just couldn’t pull off genuinely. This epiphany — like my own — will make your life so much easier. Once you accept who you are, strangely enough you start liking yourself in social situations because all of the ideals and expectations that create tension are dropped. This is an exciting period for you, congratulations. :)

Wow! And to think I’m weird, always hating the sound of people outside my door and constantly withdrawn amongs friends and family, loving my own space and hating anyone who constantly invade it. God, not knowing why I can’t be excited when I run into old friends or neighbours, constantly hating myself for not having any close friends because they can’t just handle this self absorbed and obsessed girl always in her room, with her weird ways of reasoning and talking when she finally decide to allow others into her space(that’s how I always appear to some while some tells me to go get myself laid). To think I work so hard for years trying to model myself properly and be like ‘others’ the exhaustion is like being sick and not knowing what’s going on inside. Most times I spend my lone time questioning why, how do I always manage to be the wrong one especially on issues involving gossip, arguments, because I can’t handle it, most times I find myself gasping for air, feeling dizzy and asking myself why I can’t talk without getting really excited and exhausted with dried lip down to throat or is that the giving up of energy. It’s amazing how all of a sudden after reading this article and lots of others on this same topic, I couldn’t stop smiling as I identified with most of the characters an introvert exhibit, I feel overwhelmed and I haven’t stopped reading about this topic for the past 5days on a row, all by myself. I like to interact with my friends on phone chats rather than calls or text messages or visiting them because most times I feel I might end up spoiling the thrill cos I always kinda do.
I like the idea of a party until u ask me to come with, then u just ruined my imagination,,, hahahaha. I like to imagine Sex because I find it hard to enjoy it since am easily turned off if my partner is not a smooth dirty talker and spontaneous with his hands and eyes.
I get personal with everything, maybe it’s my defence response to people’s constant criticism of my style and taste and behaviour.
I have struggled all through childhood till adulthood now, hiding, afraid of loosing acquaintances, afraid of ending up alone. I even had the idea of being a single mom and all that. It’s difficult especially when there’s no single person who can stand up for you in public when u are not there and someone is saying what he or she thinks of you. My school coordinator called me arrogant in are rage(I guess the mask was off and I was in shock, since every emotions is accompanied with endless tears). Is this also a part of being an introvert? Crying whenever it’s my turn to explain heated situations, or when I’m angry, or cheated or listening to sad stories or everytime I watch movies or whenever I have to talk about how bad I feel about a situation. The list is endless and I’m glad people are turning up to relate their own daily drama.
What do I have to do now that I know why iam the way I am, how do I manage my life so that I can be productive especially on areas of career, finance, relationship with people since I am yet to get any tiny success from any of the above mentioned and how do I stop myself from acting or speaking based on what my friend told me or what my partner thinks is best, like how do I take actions on things to please myself without offending anyone that’s another fear, without taking sides. I want to know I still have people to reach out to whenever the solitary days are over

You might also be a highly sensitive person (HSP) Anonymous — especially with regards to your tendency to cry. Other than that, you might suffer from low self-esteem, which accounts for many of the tendencies you mentioned.

It’s interesting to read articles like this as a completely extroverted person. I don’t feel tired from talking all day to people, but instead it gives me energy. I’ve always wanted to be/wondered what it would be like to be the quiet, sweet, introverted girl and not the loud, funny girl. What introverts don’t realize is that people don’t look down on their shyness as a weakness or something to change. I hope that you can find some peace in your introvert self, because it’s just as likable as your extroverted mask.

Wow… and all this time I thought I was CRAZY! Not one person in my life would EVER think I am an introvert at my core. My daughter recently told me she took a personality test and she learned so much about her introvert personality, even though she is in youth ministry. She thought I should look into it also because she noticed things in there that I do that seems contradictory to what people “THINK” of me. Was she ever right? Great article

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About Us

Walk the path less traveled

Our names are Aletheia Luna and Mateo Sol and we currently live in Perth, Western Australia.

Our mission is to help others embrace the path of the lone wolf and listen to the soul’s calling. Our goal is to provide a grounded and balanced perspective of spirituality that doesn’t bypass the raw, real, and messy aspects of spiritual growth or psychological development.

We are deeply drawn to exploring and exposing both the light and shadow side of human nature and spirituality. We strive towards integration, balance, wholeness, and embracing both the sacred and wild aspects of being human. Read more.