Alex Ovechkin accused of domestic violence for smacking his girlfriend with a Mastadon femur.

I heard he was arrested for dragging his girlfriend across the lawn by her hair and then having his way with her on a rock. When questioned by the police, a snide Ovechkin stated, "If I would have drug her by her feet, she would have gotten filled up with dirt."

Ovechkin later added that he was just about to sacrafice her to the nearest volcano before the police arrived on scene. When police inspected the Ovechkin residence, the observed Pterodactyl eggs sizzling on an open-flame skillet and a few spears leaning against the cave's front door. Other than that, Oveckin was considered unarmed and a trip to the Eastern Conference Finals was no where to be found.