Tag Archives: revisitation

i am bored and feel like wasting time so i feel like posting the “song” i wrote while at work last week. ha ha. i was kinda hyper when i did this.

sick of double standards
but those walls are
only temporary.
one day we will be on the same side.
and you speak to me
as if i don’t belong,
and look at me like
your mistake.
why can’t our hands just match for once?

just let me ask you this one question:
(why can’t girls be emo?
cause we try,
and you just say we’re bitching) x2

just let me ask you this one question:
(why can’t girls be emo?
and please stop
using our vocals to back your up)x2

la la la la la la
you always act so trite…
one of these days
they’re gonna realize
your weakness is a facade.
and that facade
is gently crumbling
and you’re just another
whiny little boy.
[chorus 1]
just let me ask you this one question:
(why can’t girls be emo?
we can say
wa-ohhhhhh just as well) x2

Cass’ entry last night has caused for me to think about drinking. More specifically: why do I drink?

In highschool, I was basically the last of my friends to drink (mostly due to the fact that I was friends with pretty much everyone, so there were the super-students / super-christians who would “never drink”).

Nerd Alert: High school me leaving for Europe

I had a boyfriend in highschool who drank. My first boyfriend never drank and never wanted to, so it never became an issue. But my second boyfriend drank. I told him I hated it and he still did it. I told him I couldn’t be with him if he drank, but he still did. Even after his obsession with drinking led to him and one of my best friends getting expelled from school…on a related tangent, freshman year of hs 4 of my “best friends” got expelled after bringing strawberry daquiris to gym class…ANYWAYS…I remember there was a time when I actually began to “accept” his drinking…we were at a party and he was drunk and we were outside in the pool and the song “Shimmer” by Fuel came on and he jumped out of the pool and grabbed me, screaming “I LOVE THIS SONG!!!” He pulled me by the hand and out in to the yard, where we danced next to the gazebo to that song…it was such a simple moment that the sweetness of it all made me forget he was drunk…

Jump forward a few months and we break up. No big deal, it was coming anyways.

It was also the spring of my senior year. And everywhere there were parties and “places to drink”. Lo and behold, I became the biggest fucking hypocrite and had drinks. I would not drink anymore than like one beer at a time though as I feared “losing control” and was scared of what being drunk would feel like.

In a way, you can say I started to drink as a “revenge mechanism”…which sucks to say. I wanted to show my ex that I was over him by drinking, something that used to be painful to even think about. GEE I AM SMART. And end of highschool conformity issues probably did not help too much. ;)

As I started to drink, I realized I could get away with things I couldn’t when I was “sober”. Boys would kiss me, and I gained “more” friends. If I did something that could be considered embarrassing (and believe me, I ALWAYS DID…fall over, run into something, etc.) it wouldn’t be that big of a deal at school since I was “drinking”.

The first time I got truly drunk was the night after graduation at our SENIOR PARTY. 7 kegs and bands and almost everyone I graduated with…YIKES. I stayed up the whole night and made out with the boy I had a crush on, along with another who I didn’t. I realized that even though I was “drunk”, I could still somewhat control myself to “get what I want”.

So, second mechanism drinking served: TOOL FOR GETTING WHAT I WANT WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK TOO HARD/MAKE EXCUSES

As the summer progressed, I tried to fine tune this “skill” of controlled drunkenness, but of course right before school started I lost all control and blacked out and something horrible happened. I stopped drinking for about a month, as this was really serious.

COLLEGE!

But college started and eventually, I found myself having a drink…I mean, it is COLLLEEEEGGGGEEE after all. Freshman year I was a DRUNK. Sophomore year, didn’t drink too much but I had also started the year off dating Chad, who didn’t approve of me drinking so I didn’t to keep him happy (JUMP FORWARD: we break up, he has his first drink). After we broke up I didn’t drink for awhile. I rarely drank that year, and when I did…it was with my GIRLS. Yes, I drank in a small environment with only my closest friends. We would make each other laugh and do crazy things….it was great. :) Junior year…didn’t really drink too much until I stumbled across Boone’s…was hanging out with diff people and drinking became more and more common…led to me getting ticketed for minor consumption (YAY)…became 21…drinking was a “rite of passage”..started going to the bars and buying lots of alcohol to make my friends happy…liked the bars…it was a way to get past being shy…senior year….drunk all over again.

“Bars are cool.”

I prefer to only drink in environments that I can “control”. I hate being out of control and in a way am a “control freak” when it comes to myself. Sometimes tension builds up and I feel like I need to “lose control”…this happens maybe twice a year and ends up in me drinking too fast to know when to stop and me getting sick. Now I drink more for boredom than social acceptance. totally boredom all the way. But I do know that I have had some of my most fun times this year when I was completely sober. I do know that I don’t have to drink to have fun, and yet I see myself with a drink in my hand. I know that this school year and summer are my last chances to even come close to being irresponsible so I am also using that as an excuse I guess…blah. heh heh.
I have had a lot of really bad experiences from drinking and yet I continue to do it. It baffles me, but at the same time…it’s somewhat expected. Why do I do it? I guess sometimes I just can’t think of anything else to do or need an excuse for something.

So. All through this year my mom had been harassing me to get my “senior pictures” taken for the yearbook. blah blah blah…personally, I kept telling her it was lame and that it wasn’t like high school…

Anyways, I finally gave in and got them done. This required me taking out my nose ring so that she would still contribute to my fundings.

Apparently, she got a copy of the pictures today….

Lorinell (4:43:06 PM): u look like a singer form an 80’s bristish band
adgBOOTIE64 (4:43:09 PM): HA HA HALorinell (4:43:28 PM): it’s really not funny…thank god u don’t hjave to put them on a resume
Lorinell (4:43:39 PM): ur face is pretty…what u can see of it

So…what exactly does it mean to look like a singer from an 80’s british band? To me, that sounds like a compliment….ha ha ha.

She goes on to say that my hair was in my face and my collar was all twisted.

Lorinell (5:42:57 PM): ur dad says flock of seagulls
adgBOOTIE64 (5:43:08 PM): WHAT?!?!Lorinell (5:43:23 PM): that’s what u look like….80s rock groupLorinell (6:11:49 PM): i told u before4 ur face was pretty…i just don’t like teh hair in the eye
adgBOOTIE64 (6:12:25 PM): well my bangs are growing out and i am NOT going to clip them up because i don’t go line dancingLorinell (6:12:57 PM): whatever…
adgBOOTIE64 (6:13:31 PM): love me the way i am!Lorinell (6:13:32 PM): what now?
adgBOOTIE64 (6:13:36 PM): heh hehLorinell (6:13:44 PM): i do love u when i can see ur pretty eyes

Looking in your eyes, I see a paradise.
This world that I found is too good to be true.
Standing here beside, I want so much to give you this love in my heart that I’m feeling for you.
Let them say we’re crazy.
I don’t care about that.
Put your hand in my hand, baby, don’t ever look back.
Let the world around us just fall apart.
Baby, we can make it if we’re heart to heart.
And we can build this thing together, stand in stone forever, nothing’s gonna stop us now.
And if this world runs out of lovers we’ll still have each other.
Nothing’s gonna stop us, nothing’s gonna stop us now.
I’m so glad I found you, I’m not gonna lose you, whatever it takes to stay here with you.
Take it to the good times, see it through the bad times.
Whatever it takes is what I’m gonna do.
Let them say we’re crazy.
What do they know?
Put your arms around me, baby, don’t ever let go.
Let the world around us just fall apart.
Baby, we can make it if we’re heart to heart.
Oh, all that I need is you.
All that I ever need.
All that I want to do is hold you forever, forever and ever.

in kindergarten, i had this dream where i was at a school dance. it was a lot like prom…but i was in kindergarten. keep in mind this was about 1987…so i was all decked out in my 80’s garb and i was five years old…anyways, i am walking down this hallway with my arms full of books. and of course, i drop them….

this song was playing in the background of that dream. and as i began to pick up my books, this guy (or boy…rather) helps me pick them up…and the song plays on and we walk away hand in hand.

well, for some reason i have always thought that dream and that song mean something…will mean something.

i remember in 1st grade when i met a boy who i think was the boy from the dream at the young author’s conference…don’t remember where it was that year…but he was there, and we had orange pop from mcdonalds as a treat.

when the time comes for me to become a home owner and not a renter, i want to have my house built. i don’t want to just buy a house off the market.

and i want to build and erect the first wall. i want to have an integral part in the construction of the future of my life.

and i really don’t think this is too much. and i know i can handle it.

my dad built our family’s house from scratch. he modified a blueprint. he had some excavating buddies dig the hole. some other buddies laid the concrete. my dad and his friends from work constructed the frame and did all the carpentry. my grandpa love helped with the heating units. my grandpa gross helped with the plumbing and pipework. a family friend did the drywall, another did the electricity. we all helped paint the walls. my mom’s uncle did the carpeting. the trimming was done by my mom and dad. wallpaper done by my mom and friends.

every step of building my house was done with care and love. you can’t find that when you buy from a realtor. you don’t have the memories of playing in the huge piles of dirt, or running around inside the deep hole that would soon become the foundation for your home. you don’t have the privilege of picking up the “nickles” left by the electricians and making games with them. you can’t remember standing in the place that will someday be your room and seeing the stars through that woodframe and thinking of how this will be the place where you will grow up.

you can’t remember being 9 years old (or maybe 8…) and helping your father and his friends erect that first wall.

i wish everybody could be as lucky as i am.

life is simple; and sometimes we seem to neglect that.

small things build up into something big and memorable.

i want to build.

* * *

Present thoughts: I still get this. However, there is something equally romantic about the concept of an older home. A home with a history (as discussed last night). You can take something old and make it new to you; you can still build those memories. You’ve just got to take the ownership to do so.