Welcome to the BlackLOG, this is the story of me, my wife - the long suffering "Mrs B", our cat "McG" and the various friends and acquaintances that we meet through life. It is all based around what happens to us, but is often stretched in an attempt to entertain. I do not deliberately set out to upset people but it occasionally happens (I have a fairly dark sense of humour at times).

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Thursday, 15 July 2010

Inappropriate probes, birthdays and fake Beatles

The Medical
Every three years I get a medical through work to make sure I’m healthy and eating properly (like that’s going to happen….) They do various tests - eyes, heart, posture etc…

Eyesight
Sad to say that my 20/20 vision has slipped to 20/19. My left eye has obviously been a girly swat, up all night cramming for the test while my right eye has been out partying…. Fortunately I still don’t need glasses* but please don’t get offended if you are standing on my right and I appear to blank you, I either didn’t see you or don’t like you….. Harsh but I think you will agree, fair....

* So the plan to keep away from glasses until I’m into my 50’s is still on. Not as exciting as world domination but it’s a goal…

Posture
Damn this one, didn’t go so well. Last time I got “average” across the board while now I got “excellent”….Damn, damn, damn - no excuse I simply have to keep up the Yoga. I made the mistake of mentioning it to my Yogaress and I’m suddenly a shining example of what Yoga can do for you…..despite the fact I still can’t touch my toes after two years of trying....

This weeks yoga one Liner

Yogress - "The next pose will be intense...."

Me - "Oh, goody are we going camping?"

Yogress - One extreme death glare later

Me - "I guess that would be a big fat no then...."

Liver
This one was interesting. I had some flags against my liver test which indicated I was either drinking too much or carrying too much weight…sadly as I don’t drink I can’t hide behind that one and so have to face the fact that I need to lose some weight….McG, move over - it looks like I’m joining you at weight watchers.

I feel a bit hurt in that I workout about 4 to 5 times a week (Yoga, X-biking and body balance) and the doctor was still trying to flog me a little cycle machine which sits under your desk at work or in front of the TV so you can work out at work and while you relax….

Probe
Oh no, I’ve reached “that age” where you have to start thinking about your nether regions….It was bad enough when they just counted your nuts, in a “way too hands on” approach that I am truly uncomfortable with. So when some great big burly doctor puts his rubber gloves on and tells you to bend over and relax….

Relax?!!!!!

In what universe did he think that saying relax would have the desired effect…..?

I'm not sure who yelped loudest, me or the Doc, who was, quite frankly, lucky to get his finger back in one piece. I would also like to publicly apologise to Mischief after I had a go at her for biting the vet a few years ago after a thermometer was unceremoniously shoved where the sun does not shine. I would like to assure her that I now whole-heartedly support her actions and if all works out with Yoga and I get enough flexibility in these old joints I will be turning round and biting the doc as well.

I can just imagine myself in court in the future, charged with GBH:

Judge – “So what did the Doc do to deserve this treatment?”

Me – “He shoved his finger into an inappropriate area”

Judge – “…and did he say anything to provoke you?”

Me – “Yes,the bastard told me to relax…. “

Judge – “Case dismissed…”

One thing I’m really glad about is that if you fail one of the tests you don’t have to retake the lot.... So in six weeks time I get another blood test to check my liver**, …and it will be at least three years before I get probed again. Loads of time to work on my flexibility and to sharpen my teeth…

** I wonder - if I start drinking can I avoid having to go on a diet and blame the drink instead?

Birthday weekend
Yes it's that time of year again
If you are interested in my age that’s a three part answer:

Mental – around about 10, on a good day
Body – at times it feels like about 60, on a better day
Actual age - somewhere in-between…

Birthday trip - Bootleg Beatles Kew Gardens
Yet another great venue and the closest we can get to seeing the Beatles live, The Bootleg Beatles have been playing live since 1980 which, at 30 years, is more than three times the length that the Beatles were together as the Fab Four. They are great fun to watch but as a huge Beatles fan I could not keep myself from thinking :-

Bootleg McCartney is playing the bass right handed….No No No, just so wrong

Bootleg Harrison was far more talkative than Bootleg Lennon….Harrison wasn’t known as the quiet one for nothing….

Bootleg Starr was so squeaky he managed to make Real Ringo sound like a proper singer

They are so old it was like watching the Rolling Stones….

How to make sure your birthday cakes don’t get eaten to quickly
We have a tradition in the office that on your birthday you bring in goodies for everyone to share, This year I sent out the following email to my work Colleagues

In honour of my birthday I have purchased cakes (I felt this was a slightly better option than being arrested (again……) for attempting to poison half the floor with my lack of culinary skills) – I have even brought in said cakes and placed them alluringly (rather like Rab C Nesbit in a 12 week old vest) on the cabinet next to my desk. Don’t leave any - they will only go to waste or even worse, to my waist......

Top tip of the day (thanks to Marjorie Doors for this one….)If you are on a diet just cut your cake in half…. Then you can eat twice as much and only use the same number of calories…..P.S bring your own knife….Warning My apologies but there are some vaguely healthy options included in the selection, as I attempt to eat healthily through you…..You should be able to tell which are the healthy options, by monitoring which cakes are selected. The ones that are left at the end are the healthy ones…

If you find you have accidently eaten one of these “Healthy Options” try not to panic but take the packaging and make your way to the local hospital…..I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention the source…..

Good luck, these cakes will self destruct shortly after you have eaten them….

For the record not one of the slightly healthy options were touched, so the office stomach pump was not required…..

Birthday BBQ
Thanks to all the friends who showed up at my Birthday BBQ and let me attempt to poison them again with burnt offerings. No reported casualties, so far, but I’ve not given up hope yet. I think they only came for the desserts which is provided by Mrs B - Summer Pudding and Pavlova. Yummy almost worth getting older for….

The perfect Birthday present
I don’t know how Mrs B does it, managing to get me the perfect gift
Was it the subtle hints I left….?
The magazines left open on the appropriate page….
Or possibly that I ordered it myself and left it for her to wrap…?
Whatever, it’s a big thank you to Mrs B for once again getting me the perfect birthday present
A Nikon 105MM macro lens….
Hang on a second - that wasn’t for me that was for The Beast…….
……..So where’s my present?

Appropriately inappropriate
- this weeks music selection - think of it like a fine wine that goes with your meal but with out any chance of getting drunk or fat....

Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Doctor Doctor - Thompson Twins

Excuse me while I walk off into the sunset, like John Wayne (bloody doctors) and hope to catch you next week....

12 comments:

Oh Mr B - the prostate finger check description was marvellous! When I forced Hugh to go and have his checked he returned from the hospital looking like a beaten kitten, and was too traumatised to 'talk about it!' Ha. All those tests we women must endure around our 'nether' regions more or less from puberty onwards, and you men bleat on about a quick finger in the bum once every few years in middle age as if the whole thing was a complete shock and utterly unexpected. It seems to me the Doctor says 'just pop up on the couch then' practically every time a female enters the surgery. Do we complain? Hardly ever?..... Have a very happy birthday, put your anal antics behind you (pun intended), old person, and quite impressed by the way your eyesight holding up. Do you think some other areas of your physique are deteriorating in place of your eyes?

skipperthewonderhorse said... Oh Mr B - the prostate finger check description was marvellous! When I forced Hugh to go and have his checked he returned from the hospital looking like a beaten kitten, and was too traumatised to 'talk about it!' Ha. All those tests we women must endure around our 'nether' regions more or less from puberty onwards, and you men bleat on about a quick finger in the bum once every few years in middle age as if the whole thing was a complete shock and utterly unexpected. It seems to me the Doctor says 'just pop up on the couch then' practically every time a female enters the surgery. Do we complain? Hardly ever?..... The point is you are used to it…You can’t teach an old dog new tricks and all that…If I had had my bum checked out every time I walked into see the doctor I would be used to it by now…well actually I wouldn’t as I would never have gone back to the doctors but that’s another story

Have a very happy birthday, put your anal antics behind you (pun intended), old person, and quite impressed by the way your eyesight holding up. Do you think some other areas of your physique are deteriorating in place of your eyes?No unfortunately I’m as perfect as I ever was…It’s a shame the starting point wasn’t much better. I had always hoped that I would get better with age like a vintage wine but I’m not sure that’s going to happen, what she see is what you get. At least I don’t offend blind people, well after I have washed I don’t…..

Imo said... what are they actually feeling for when they probe around? Just normal bumps and lumps, sizing, pain threshold.....No idea I had my eyes shut and was fighting the urge not to hit him. Still on a positive note I guess it’s cleaner then it’s been for a long while….

Happy Birthday and I hope you got some of the pudding - I heard on the grapevine that some people had more then one helping!It was my party I’m allowed to have two or more helpings….Did I mention how good it was?

cynicalscribble said... I've never had a proper medical, I'm probably on deaths door as I type this, but it also means I've never had another man touch me up. I think I'm the winner here.Oh I’m looking forward to your post when you do….It might not be today or tomorrow but one day. I hope the doc has really knobbly hands and the shakes that will teach you to sneer at the rear end afflicted

Happy Birthday squire, you don't look 54 at all, that yoga really does work.Cheek, I’m not a day over 75…Oh damn it’s like when they ask your age on the bus when you are a kid I’ve gone the wrong way….

TC said... My DH had one of those probes, he was traumatized, he still talks about it...I figure you have three options :-@

1) Slink away in shame and never mention it again (even though everyone knows what happens to men in medicals after they reach a certain age ….)

or

2) Shout it from the roof tops and let everyone know you are not happy about what happened

or

3) Kill everyone in the world including yourself

HAPPY BIRTHDAY though! LOVE your humor which says something... Thank you and I’m sorry for your affliction. Don’t lose hope it might take years of expensive therapy but I’ve been assured death will cure all

I'm the lady with the finicky dog and you have the will eat Manhattan cat?Manhattan would probably do as a starter for him before he works his way through New York State. He has been on a strict diet since he was six months old and he hit a stone….

I need to start making regular doctor appointments. The last time I went to the doctor he said "Here's some anti-inflamatories. If your knee still feels funny in a month, we'll need to think about surgery". That was 7 years ago. My knee still feels funny.

I like the idea of the Bootleg Beatles. I wonder how much $$$ they've made out of it over the years, and if it's even 1% of what the actual Beatles have made in their much shorter career.

Thanks for stopping by No worries it was just a couple of key taps out of my way….

I need to start making regular doctor appointments. The last time I went to the doctor he said "Here's some anti-inflamatories. If your knee still feels funny in a month, we'll need to think about surgery". That was 7 years ago. My knee still feels funny.

Blimey 7 years worth of anti-inflamatories is good going, I struggle to get an aspirin out of my doctor and as for a sticking plaster forget it there is at least a 10 years waiting list and even then it will be a second hand one.

I like the idea of the Bootleg Beatles. I wonder how much $$$ they've made out of it over the years, and if it's even 1% of what the actual Beatles have made in their much shorter career.I believe they were doing very well for themselves until they signed a contract with Fake Alan Klien and then set up Fake Apple Records and started to hemorrhage money….Fake Lennon lives in constant fear of running into Fake Mark Chapman…..