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Long term relationship has turned unhealthy and abusive

December 7th, 2017, 11:44 AM

hi. i don't even know where to start.. and i don't even know if i'm in the proper forum, but i am struggling so much with my relationship, and i just need some advice. to start off, i am a 19 year old female, and i'm in a relationship with a 20 year old male. we have been together for 3 years, since i was 16 and he was 17. we met in high school, and hit it off immediately. i fell in love with him so hard. and we were so happy. however, i must note that my whole life, i've had many mental illnesses, and that started to become a problem in our relationship pretty quickly. i personally think things were going amazing until we decided to move in together. since we didn't have any money (and still don't) we chose to live with my parents. that was probably the worst idea ever because my parents have been abusing and neglecting me since i was about 10. but we couldn't be apart from each other so we moved in together. shortly after that, i noticed that we would fight so much, so much to the point where about 2 summers ago, we started to physically hurt each other. we would punch each other, hold each other down, yell in each other's faces. it was so bad. and that all happened because we were not only living together at such a young age, but we had to deal with my parents being EXTREMELY toxic and negligent. to put it shortly, the house was constantly filthy, we never had food, and we had to spend all of our spare money on my mother, who is an alcoholic. and she used our money to go party. fast forward to the week of Thanksgiving this year (2017), we had had enough of living with my parents, but we have absolutely not enough money to get an apartment. I live in NY so apartments are super expensive.... now here is the part i've been most concerned about lately. because of all of the problems my boyfriend and i have been having, i've started to developed feelings for his best friend. i know that sounds so awful. but it happened. now i can't stop thinking about the guy, all day long i think about him and having sex with him.. and it is starting to get out of control. i'm starting to dream about him, even when i'm not trying to, and it is making me resent my boyfriend even more than i did. now i'm at the point where i don't even want to kiss my own boyfriend, let alone have sex with him. we barely hang out anymore even though we live together, and we are just so unhappy. i love him so much, but i definitely think we jumped into a serious relationship too fast.. and with my parents treating both of us so badly, we have started to treat each other badly. i have really really bad PTSD and anxiety issues from my parents. and he has started to develope these symptoms as well. what can i do to try and mend things? is it worth it? will we ever learn to be a normal healthy couple again?? and how do i stop these feelings for my boyfriend's best friend? i am seriously struggling so hard. i would really appreciate some insight from anyone on here. i'm so lost, i can barely focus at work, and i need some serious advice. thank you if you actually took the time to read this. my mental health is at stake here, as well as my relationship. thanks again.

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If they are as bad as you make out, then I think your top priority here is to move out of your parents' house. You're 20 years old. You're fully capable of finding somewhere to live.

As Rose asks, do you work? If not, why not?

The relationship with your BF sounds like a nightmare also. If you're both having physical fights regularly, then I think it's fair to say that the relationship is done and you should just forget it and move on.

And no, that does not mean getting involved with his friend. You're only interested in the friend because he's a nice convenient distraction from all the other bullshit you have going on.

Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

1 like

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i have a job at a pet store. $10 an hour and 30 hours a week. my boyfriend also has a job, but is trying to find a new one because they aren't scheduling him enough. and my alias is part of a song by Of Montreal, my absolute favorite band. i look up to their music a lot

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i didn't really go much into detail about myself but i have extremely bad mental illnesses. they make it so i cannot work as much as i would like. my social anxiety is so extremely bad at the moment so i do what i can at my job without overworking myself mentally. apartments in new york are at least $1,000-$2,000 to start, so it will take a long time to save up. i have moved out of my parents house and i am now living with his parents until i can save some money. but i have a lot of bills right now so i can't save

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Very rarely do high school sweethearts stay together long term. People live longer now than before so you really should not be tying yourself down with
one person at your age. Seriously. If you have mental issues you will never be able to have a decent relationship with anyone until you work on yourself and heal your
past trauma. All violence stems from unprocessed pain. Get help-go to community mental health if you have no money. Start reading and working on your mental health.
You do not need to be trying to have a relationship with ANYONE until you heal yourself. That must come first. Good luck.