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BS turned WS? I really screwed up.

I am a BS who found out 3 years ago that my husband had multple affairs , a bad porn addiction, and one of the affairs he had was with my very close relative. He went to a recovery program for SA. We came very close to divorce. We have been on a healing journey since then with plenty of bumps along the way but no more cheating in his part. I am still not over his past behavior at times.
This weekend we were invited over by a couple we are friends with to have a few drinks. I noticed the husband being a little flirtatious with me but we were all laughing and joking so I didn't think much about it. We all got really drunk during he course of the night.
My hubby got smashed beyond belief and his friend led him into their spare room to lie down.
Myself and the other couple stayed up and were talking. Hubby's friend keeps handing me drinks and then starts playing footsie with me in front of his wife.
I get up to go to the bathroom and then into their spare room to wake up Hubby so he can sober up and we can leave. So without going into details ,hubby's friend comes in and we end up having sex while my hubby is passed out. I remember him trying to get me to come into their bedroom with his wife. That sobered me up enough that I got dressed and woke my hubby up.
I immediately freaked out and confessed on the drive home. The catch is after the initial shock, my hubby is not upset at all, wants to know every detail and then is totally turned on by the whole thing.
I feel very very guilty! I don't know if our friends are swingers and she knows or what but I know that I feel horrible. My being drunk is no excuse and neither is that. Hubby's friend is an attractive guy but I didn't ever feel attracted to him prior to this. I have never thought about cheating on my hubby b4 even when I knew he cheated on me and I was devastated. I really like my girl friend and don't want to hurt her in any way. So it wasn't revenge or evil intentions on my part just stupidity!
My hubby said I shouldn't worry about it as he is fine with it and has even suggested he would like it to happen again. That doesn't ease my mind at all!
I feel like this may throw him back into Inappropriate behavior. He swears he didnt know that any of this was going to happen and he did seem shocked when i told him. I know he was passed out solid during the whole thing as he was snoring. His friend called him the next day to see how we were but didnt mention anything that we did. I dont think it was a set up deal on Hubbys part. I am not looking to complicate my life any more than it is.

So am I a big cheater pants or what? Do I just drop this and act like nothing happened? I deserve being told what a rotten human being I am by someone.

ifinallyfoundme posted 6/30/2013 15:47 PM

I'm not sure it was a set up per se, but I'm sure your hubby knows of his friend's ssexual appetites. Are they mote his friends or yours.

How did you react to his flirting? Did you reciprocate? Because his actions progressed to:

Hubby's friend keeps handing me drinks and then starts playing footsie with me in front of his wife.

He wouldn't have thought it was ok to play footsie if you'd have shot him down in the flirt stage. You kept accepting drinks, you stayed. You didn't have to. Why did you stay after you first saw him acting inappropriate?

If you and your husband were both drunk, who drove home?

I immediately freaked out and confessed on the drive home.

Do I just drop this and act like nothing happened?

Absolutely not. You had sex with another man. Even if you were "drunk". You allowed yourself to cross multiple boundaries and warning signs to get to the point of "the act" with him. Unless you and your husband had an open arrangement set up before hand? But since he had an A first, I don't see that to be the case.

I deserve being told what a rotten human being I am by someone.

Why? If you didn't do anything wrong, why should people trash talk you? And if you did do wrong, why do you still feel that way?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:09 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

stilllovinghim posted 6/30/2013 16:38 PM

Aubrie is spot on. I'm really interested in your answers. BTW, your H could be viewing your A as a way of him *finally getting out of the dog house*. Now the heat is *off* of him.
Did you guys fully R? I don't know enough of your story beforehand since you have posted once-a-year since you first joined....but from your previous posts it seemed to me you both rug-swept some things here and justified some other things there....

Unagie posted 6/30/2013 16:41 PM

Has your husband lived with guilt all these years? He may be excited because he thinks you guys are "even" now. Also being drunk has no standing here, it lowers inhibitions but not intentions. There was some part of you that allowed this to happen and it was not the alcohol, believe me I speak from experience. He asked you to go into the bedroom with his wife? How do you know she was aware of this, maybe he was going to try to use you to convince her. Maybe she had no idea, you really should tell her. You don't know if she's aware. What in the world made you do this while your husband was in the same room? You didn't know how he'd react if he woke up. What made you do this? Why is the question you need to ask yourself. Start digging because whether your husband is okay with it or not you're obviously notm

Tru-blu posted 6/30/2013 17:41 PM

How did you react to his flirting? Did you reciprocate?

He checked me out. I noticed it. I didn't reciprocate other than laughing when he told me a dirty joke.

Because his actions progressed to:
Hubby's friend keeps handing me drinks and then starts playing footsie with me in front of his wife.
He wouldn't have thought it was ok to play footsie if you'd have shot him down in the flirt stage. You kept accepting drinks, you stayed. You didn't have to. Why did you stay after you first saw him acting inappropriate?

He wasn't acting sneaky about it. I interpreted it as no big deal until he started rubbing my foot. Obviously I liked it or it wouldn't have happened. I am in no way saying I am right, was taken advantage of, or have any excuses including being drunk. I was just telling what happened. I hope that doesn't sound defensive.

If you and your husband were both drunk, who drove home?
He did. Not smart on either of our parts.

Absolutely not. You had sex with another man. Even if you were "drunk". You allowed yourself to cross multiple boundaries and warning signs to get to the point of "the act" with him. Unless you and your husband had an open arrangement set up before hand? But since he had an A first, I don't see that to be the case

.
No open arrangement. My husbands big fantasy has always been me and another guy.

Why? If you didn't do anything wrong, why should people trash talk you? And if you did do wrong, why do you still feel that way?

I know I did wrong. I feel horrible about it. I made a very bad decision.

uncertainone posted 6/30/2013 18:05 PM

No open arrangement. My husbands big fantasy has always been me and another guy.

Yeah, my ex's was as well. One of his choosing.

He checked me out. I noticed it. I didn't reciprocate other than laughing when he told me a dirty joke.

That's reciprocating. You knew from his action what his agenda was. Dirty jokes are a great "gauge" of potential reciprocity in many cases.

I challenge you to examine the "just stupidity" comment. I'd say it was a pretty agressive act regardless of your sobriety.

The fact your husband wants it to happen again is something you both really need to explore. Is this what you want your marriage to look like?

I had an agreement with my ex but also didn't believe in open marriage for myself. Rather than examining that "split" I went ahead with it and damaged myself almost beyond repair. The pain was horrific.

My ex still doesn't think I had an affair. It's not about what your husband is ok with. It's what you want to see in yourself and how you feel the right way to behave and think is.

Also, your friend. She needs to know. I found out later my close friend had an affair with my ex and her youngest is his. The times we went to dinner, comforted each other, spent together were monstrous betrayals all on their own. Each one. By her. Don't do that to her.

Aubrie posted 6/30/2013 19:14 PM

My husbands big fantasy has always been me and another guy.

There is a difference in a fantasy, and turning a fantasy into reality. I wonder if your husband would be as forgiving, understanding, and turned on if he hadn't had his A first?

Did you guys fully R? I don't know enough of your story beforehand since you have posted once-a-year since you first joined....but from your previous posts it seemed to me you both rug-swept some things here and justified some other things there....

If this is true, maybe your husband could be seeing your A as a "now we're even" thing. What work have the two of you done on the marriage since his A? You state that you still aren't over his past behavior. Did you allow your actions this weekend because of anger/resentment/buried feelings about your husband's A?

He checked me out. I noticed it. I didn't reciprocate other than laughing when he told me a dirty joke.

Yes, you did reciprocate. He checked you out, he saw you noticing it. Next step? Crack a joke. In this case, you laughed. With each thing he did, you allowed or participated. There's a vibe there Tru-blu. He fed off your vibe. If you were giving off an "I'm taken, buzz off" vibe, he wouldn't have flirted with you. Or if he had, he would have been stopped cold in his tracks. Been there done that. "Oh flirting is harmless". Uhhhh, no. Flirting feeds an attraction. No man gets my flirting other than QuietStand. Period. Doesn't mean I can't be nice to people. But being nice and flirting are two completely different things. kwim?

I interpreted it as no big deal until he started rubbing my foot.

You didn't think it was a big deal that he was checking you out and flirting with his wife and your husband there?

If you and your husband were both drunk, who drove home?

He did. Not smart on either of our parts.

I seriously hope you two talk about the drinking and driving before it happens again. That is a huge issue in itself.

And I agree with UO. His wife needs to know.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/30/2013 21:08 PM

Wow. There's so much wrong here that I don't even know where to begin.

I am a BS who found out 3 years ago that my husband had multple affairs , a bad porn addiction, and one of the affairs he had was with my very close relative. He went to a recovery program for SA. We came very close to divorce. We have been on a healing journey since then with plenty of bumps along the way but no more cheating in his part. I am still not over his past behavior at times.

^^I just quoted this because I find the last sentence very telling.

I get up to go to the bathroom and then into their spare room to wake up Hubby so he can sober up and we can leave. So without going into details ,hubby's friend comes in and we end up having sex while my hubby is passed out.

I'm 45 years old and have NEVER had that happen to me, so I don't understand how it happens. You just went into the spare room where your H was passed out and had sex with someone else's H?? Just like that?? You said your H was SA. Are you SURE he was passed out?? Or was he watching, since that was his fantasy?? Are you SURE you weren't set-up? Regardless, that SA monster? This brings it out of dormancy, if it ever WAS dormant. See?:

The catch is after the initial shock, my hubby is not upset at all, wants to know every detail and then is totally turned on by the whole thing.

I remember him trying to get me to come into their bedroom with his wife. That sobered me up enough that I got dressed and woke my hubby up.

So, you think SHE was OK with all of this, too??

You two have some serious work to do. Get into IC, both of you, ASAP. Your H needs to see a CSAT. Stop socializing with other couples until you have control of yourself. Best of luck to you.