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Sunday, April 6, 2014

A New Chapter.. Where I've Been the Last Two Years.

It's safe to say a lot has changed. It's funny that for once I'm scared maybe things haven't changed enough.

This time last year, I was sitting in my room wondering what was going to happen to me. In many ways, I'm wondering the exact same thing. I'm terrified I'll never make the music I need to get out of my system. I'm worried everything I've worked towards in life means nothing. I still screw up opportunities that could be good for me. I'm trying to improve, I have made improvements. Truthfully though, I'm still me.

I've come really far in the last year regardless of how little that might show sometimes. I mean, I have a bedframe now! That has to amount to something! Lately, I haven't been giving myself enough credit.

My blog is a perfect example of my life. I knew what I wanted as a teenager and did really well with it for awhile. I messed up music because I wasn't responsible enough to know how to get what I wanted and then things just stopped working out so well. I was a very confused kid and I still am. I was sick all my life and had a hard time everyday because of it. The anxiety that came with having such a bad stomach was exhausting. Trying to hide the pain I was in from everyone was even worse. When I had to drop out of highschool because of it in my last year, it was the beginning of a big slow down in terms of getting where I wanted to be. Nothing has made much sense since. I was lucky though, I grew more independence and found out what it was like to really be loved by someone. This calmed me down and finally I wasn't sick anymore, after years of wondering if I would ever be okay. It's amazing how fast you forget what being sick is like when your better though.

This ended up backfiring for me. I had been on antidepressants since I was 13 to keep my stomach more under control. I guess when I didn't need them anymore, they started working against me. Combined with the fact I was changing, musically and stylistically, I got lost pretty fast. I fell in love with dance, ballet particularly. I kind of watched the world around me fall apart. I didn't care though. At first I was just in love and finally had some time to find myself. Then it was because I just didn't know what to do anymore or who I was. The worst part was I never realized I didn't care. I just stopped feeling.

It wasn't until I went to LA that I realized how much weight I had actually gained. I still didn't care. I didn't want to do anything but come back home. Part of me knew that wasn't me and something wasn't right. It wasn't until my boyfriend of three years left me without even breaking up with me that I even realized there was a problem. I should have woken up then. I realized I was all alone in Toronto, he was the only friend I even had. I know myself and I was way to okay with everything. I might have stopped caring, I might have stopped hurting but I was scared of it.

Last April, I sat here. I had started making friends. Mostly from ESL schools as my one friend in Toronto had brought me to a Japanese Language exchange party. I had Japanese friends, that was so cool! I had always wanted them. I was slowly building a life. I still wasn't very excited though. Everything was wrong. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. I still hadn't felt sadness from the most important relationship of my life. I just felt anger. I couldn't write a song. I started drinking, almost everyday. I gained even more weight from it. I would try and cry but I just ended up acting like this person no one recognized. I tried being the opposite of myself and still nothing. I was so frustrated that I had no way to make music and no clue who I was. I didn't even know anyone around me. My mood swings were insane, I had to make a change.

Finally I clued in to the antidepressants. Going off them was a huge gamble for me. The reason I had to drop out of school in grade 12 was because I tried and I was so sick I couldn't eat or leave the house for three months. I went off them and things changed pretty fast. It was TERRIFYING feeling again. I felt sadness. I felt alone. I was angry at myself. How did I let myself waste two years of my life? Where do I begin to start again? How did I gain so much weight? I was so embarrassed. Thankfully though, my stomach was okay. That's a blessing I've completely taken for granted.

This all happened in May. The first week of June I decided I was GOING to loose weight and it HAD to work. My half hearted attempts weren't cutting it. I went all in. I was surprised that it actually did work. I'm sure cutting out beer really made a difference. I dropped 15 pounds in a month. My friends were shocked. I thought I would gain it back pretty fast when I started eating more but I ended up loosing another 12. I was at the lowest I've ever been in my life around February when I had cut out gluten and had been going to the gym pretty heavily. I'm still surprised. I changed my eating so much though. I've tried new foods which is something I never thought I'd do. I work out in ways I never would have and I'm really into the importance of healthy eating now.

The people I met over the last year were a rollar coaster of emotions. It's the most bittersweet feeling in the world to know I was blessed to have made the friends I did. I made best friends, one's that have touched me so deeply that they will always be apart of me. They're gone now but a part of them is with me everyday. I feel their kindness with me no matter where I am and miss them every second. I can't explain how grateful I am to them. With them gone though, I can't help but feel a little lost again.

The one thing I've had though, even when everything was cloudy has been my K-pop Party's. It's the one thing thats kinda kept my life going in the last two years. I'm so lucky to have found a place to grow confidence as a performer, something I never had. It's been the one place I've had to keep my dream alive. Without it I don't know where I'd be. If that wasn't enough, I'm blessed to have gotten an amazing best friend out of it. I'm now much more the artist I need to be. If I'm lucky enough to get another chance, i'll be ready this time.

I can confidently say I don't know what the hell is going to happen to me. I don't know who I am anymore but I am much more myself then I have been in along time. It's just different because I'm a little older now. Last summer I used to ask myself "What would 16 year old Keely do?". I don't anymore. I'm more mature, I'm better. I don't want to look up to a younger version of myself.

I'm excited to be blogging again. I'm trying to find ways to make music and I am on the right track. I missed you guys. I missed myself even. I'm going to post some of the insane things that have happened in the last year and all the things going on currently. I'm scared right now but thanks for being here and reading this. Life goes on. Things will get better.

5 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Hi keely! That what you write sounds wuite familiar to me. You seem to be looking for clarity, I was the same, many things were very blurry to.me, I was confused by all kind of feelings. had questions but not enough answers. Maybe I am wrong, its just that you write the same way I used to. There is this saying whatever happens happens to us all, what makes the difference is our response to the things that happen. Live IS a roller coaster, Its natural, sometimes things go well sometimes they dont, hard times you put onto you heart good times you put into your pocket. You decide and create your life. Everthing is in your hands, create your vision about your future and work yourself that way. You seem to be already doing that, trying to eliminate that what you dont want in your life also. trust and listen to yourself, only you can know whats best for you.