the duchess will see you now

Relationships

Yim and I ran into an old acquaintance of mine while roaming the aisles of Home Depot. Years ago, this guy, we’ll call him Adam, used to date a good friend of mine, we’ll call her Alice, who, by the way, I have lost touch with.

When Alice and I were friends, we spoke nearly every day. She lived a few blocks away from me, and Adam lived a few blocks away from her. When their relationship was at it’s height, perhaps a year into it, my 10 year relationship with my ex was at its mid-point. With increasing frequency, I would call Alice to see if she’d like to make plans – walk our dogs together or window shop on Walnut Street, for instance, and she would turn me down in lieu of plans with Adam. Or, even better, I would get no answer when I called her and then I would spot her walking hand-in-hand down my street with Adam. Alice and Adam cooked great meals together, took walks together, went to see foreign films, and took bike rides together. I was so envious of their relationship. Alice seemed to have everything with Adam that I wanted in a relationship. It’s hard to just be happy for your friends without the tarnishing thoughts of questioning why you don’t have what they have.

After 5 years together my boyfriend and I were just that: a boyfriend and girlfriend. We had failed to progress beyond an exclusive dating stage. Forget about engagement; we were still living 40 minutes apart and working our schedules around spending recreational time together. I was vocal about what I wanted and needed from him, but there were always reasons why it was not possible. Specifically, the problems were: a) he wanted to feel more financially secure before taking on the responsibility of a family, b) he wanted to live in the suburbs while I remained dedicated to city life with a country home, c) he had to work long hours and had difficulty managing his time efficiently enough to fit in activities with me. These were the reasons why he couldn’t make it over in time to cook dinner together and then walk, hand-in-hand, to the independent theater to catch a foreign film! So I did a lot of figuring on how to stay happy in that relationship. You know, because I loved him!

A few days ago I read something on Mighty Girl that reminded me of what it was like to be strained in a relationship like that:

-”…People often start negotiating from what they think they can get, not what they really want–so even if the other person says yes, they are still disappointed. …People should start by being honest about 100% of what they want. My partner and I use this all the time, for things big and small. ‘My 100% would be having dinner before we see the movie.’ ‘My 100% would be to move to a bigger house in two years.’
…One thing that is surprising is how often you can have your 100%–and then you feel really lucky and happy and loved. And you also have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave your partner what they _really_ wanted. On the other hand, if the 100% isn’t possible and you have to negotiate down from there you at least know that what you wanted was heard.” –Not that Girl

In my relationship with my ex, I got tired of hearing ‘no’ all of the time. Eventually, I unwittingly gave up earnestly asking for what I wanted and then objectively considering the results and, instead, quietly submitted to dumbing down my negotiations in an effort to get something. I began to mistake complacency on my part for satisfaction, all the while feeling a constant, subtle uneasiness. *Gasp* I’d learned to live with it! So while I yearned for couple-ship, I spent a lot of time hoping and waiting for that ship to reach shore with him, and before it did, it sank.

Sound ridiculous? Especially from a confident, aggressive, proud gal like me? I know. But when your heart is in it, you somehow find a way to put weight in those empty promises made in the name of eternal love.

As for Alice and Adam, their ship sank, as well. I watched as Alice experienced horrible heartache and I was there for her to lean on me. In the end, everybody in this trilogy moved on. Alice actually moved out of state and lost touch with many of her old cronies. Adam bought a house in the same neighborhood and is now engaged to be married. And Yim came along to pick me up out of the rubble that was my break up. And this is the point:

When Yim and I ran into Adam the other day, I remembered all of these things. As I relayed the tale of the past to Yim, I was stricken by the shedding of all feelings of envy I have experienced. I thought about how I have personally matured, i.e., I will never again accept anything less than exactly what I want, and I want what I have now. Of course, with maturity comes the wisdom to know just how much of a compromise can be made before that line is crossed, and in a good relationship, that line never even nears. As the excerpt above suggests, I voice my 100%, whether it is a want or a need. The thing about Yim and I is that we seem to always want the same things. We maintain our individual perspectives, but our goals are so very alike. This relationship is easy. Right now I can hear the advice proffered me from my elders over the years on the subject of love. Sometimes I regret that I did not slow down and try to heed some of that advice. On the other hand, to each his own, and everything really does happen for a reason.

In love, what is allowed to be taken has a higher price than what is given. — Petit-Senn

And remember:

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorned. — Congreve