Thursday, October 14, 2004

100% Guaranteed Get Rich Quick Scheme

Perhaps you, like many Americans, are greedy. You may want a million dollars (or some other amount of money that means you can buy a new saturn and take it to the demolition derby with no regrets, or cover a medium sized south pacific island in hats because it would make a funny picture). I know I sure am. So here, I have devised for you (and me) a foolproof plan to make an obscene amount of money.

Step 1: Make friends with a thousand contortionist midgets.

Step 2: Starve your midgets until such time as they can fit easily into a box of a size that a computer would normally be shipped in.

Step 3: Fill the midget boxes with fig newtons and bulk nacho cheese (the kind that never fully congeals).

Step 4: Pick a small city somewhere in the midwest where people are stupid and laws are lax.

Step 5: Ship your midgets to middle class families all over your city of choice, with a note on the side that says:
Free Computer!
Place in bathroom and do not open for 24 hours, as the sudden inrush of oxygen would destroy the delicate components of this top of the line machine.

Step 6: At exactly 4am, local time, the midgets will use their razor sharp midgiteeth to chew their way out of their figgy-nacho-box homes and proceed to gnaw on various furniture, leave cupboard doors open, unplug the refrigerator, and blow out pilot lights on any applicable appliances.

Step 7: Move to your chosen city and open up a pest control business that specializes in snoobogots. People won't know what snoobogots are at first, but you will advertise in television commercials about this new household menace that thrives on cookies, cake, cheese, and chaos. When people call you, explain that it is a very expensive procedure because it involves great risk of life and limb to the one who confronts the snoobogots. Because your midget army is half starved and crazy from the mass cheese and sugar intake, people will eventually pay you to have them removed. In the course of this plague of maniacal snoobogots, others may attempt to capitalize on this as well by opening their own snoobogot control business. You must crush them unmercifully by boiling them in lemonade until they agree to back off of your territory.

Step 8: Repeat in other cities. Inevitably, someone will catch on. This is because you are not as smart as I, and will undoubtedly make mistakes. Figure that this will happen in inverse proportion to how many times you "lost" your sunglasses only to find them on your head. At that point, invest all of your earnings in counterfeit jeans and move to Greece.

Good luck readers. And should I ever receive a box containing a cheesed up, figiciously maniacal dwarf in a box, I will turn it to my cause, give it a taste for human flesh, and mail it back to you.

2 Comments:

Anonymous said...

I desperately want to send you a box of appropriate size and lable it:Free Computer!Place in bathroom and do not open for 24 hours, as the sudden inrush of oxygen would destroy the delicate components of this top of the line machine.