An act of caprice and fancy.

Tag Archives: Disney World

The cost of a Walt Disney World vacation continues to rise, which means you need to find ways to stretch your dollar while in the Most Magical Place on Earth. That’s why your old friend Turkey Leg Jeff has put together these money-saving tips to help you get the most out of your vacation without breaking the bank.

Eat Off-Property

It’s no secret that you are paying a premium when you dine on Disney property. You are a captive audience and Disney isn’t sympathetic to your budget. Getting a rental car and hitting up the local Waffle House is a common way to save. Rental cars can get very pricey though—the gas, the insurance, and the parking fees add up pretty quickly. So forgo the rental cars in favor of a free option: a simple teleportation spell. All you need is a 10-foot circular area, a hooved quadruped, a vial of salt water, and 2 – 6 ounces of virgin blood.

Use a stick to draw your circle, wet the ground with the salt water, and smear the virgin blood on the animal while crying to the heavens “Auferas me de hac infernalis nocturnaque mundi!!” There’s no telling where you might wind up (though Myanmar, Bolivia, or southern Mozambique are some common places), but one thing is certain—the food will be cheaper than in Disney World. Stay tuned for a future blog post detailing how to get back to Lake Buena Vista.

Befriend a Duck

Lyle can often be found in EPCOT’s China Pavilion.

Ducks have enjoyed a free ride at Disney World for over 40 years. They don’t pay for food or admission, and they are so thrifty… have you ever seen one sporting a set of mouse ears? Befriending a duck is a sure-fire way to learn the ins-and-outs of gratis Disney magic. An affable quacker can teach you tricks such as waiting patiently under counter service seats for dropped food, preying on the stupidity of children who don’t know how to read the “Don’t Feed the Ducks” signs, and fighting skills so you can grab the corndog nugget that was OBVIOUSLY MEANT FOR YOU from usurping ducks. Go to the China pavilion and find Lyle. Tell him Turkey Leg Jeff sent you and you’re in.

Sacrifice Livestock in the Name of Walter Elias Disney

The headline is pretty self-explanatory but very few tourists know this. If you sacrifice some of your local livestock in Walt’s name, his spirit may bless you or a member of your family with a counter service dessert, an extra FastPass (usually only good for Fantasyland attractions), or a strong Wi-Fi connection inside a Caribbean Beach Resort standard view room. Be sure to pick a member of your livestock community that you don’t have an emotional attachment to, as the ROI on this one can be pretty low.

It was the day Consuelo longed for—the entire family was going to Walt Disney World. Mother had joked that she would make sure to leave Consuelo behind, that they would “Home Alone” her. Consuelo wasn’t sure if she was joking or not. One time mother had promised her that she could come along on the family trip to IKEA and pick out her very own spegel for her room. But when the time came to leave, Mother told Consuelo that she left her purse in the attic and told Consuelo to go get it for her. After looking for over an hour in the dark and dirty attic, Consuelo gave up. When she came downstairs the family was gone. When they returned eight hours later, Mother told Consuelo that she left her behind for her own good.

“If you had a spegel in your room, Consuelo, you would see your own reflection and then you would dislike yourself as much as we all do,” said Mother.

Consuelo was confused by this logic, since she looked in the mirror in the bathroom every morning to brush her teeth and comb her hair, but decided not to press the matter in case Mother became angry and did something mean to her.

So Consuelo, determined not to be left behind again, decided to sleep in the bathroom the night before the trip so that the family couldn’t forget about her.

Consuelo awoke to hear Mother whispering, “Just leave her. We’ll shower when we get there. We can freshen up in the airport baño.” She jumped up, immediately alert, and shouted, “I’m awake, everybody! I’m awake! Is it time to go?” The family groaned.

Father placed Consuelo on the scale in the bathroom. “Dammit, Maria, she’s more than 50 lbs. We can’t check her with the luggage!” Consuelo couldn’t believe her luck. She was going to Disney World and got to ride in a seat on the plane? Maybe they would even fly JetBlue! She began to dream of Terra Blue chips and her own little television with 36 channels of free DirecTV.

The flight was Delta.

No matter—Consuelo‘s excitement continued to build. She wondered if Merida would hug her like in the commercials. She had seen this on television: happy heteronormative families being embraced by dewy-eyed Caucasian girls dressed as princesses. Consuelo couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful.

“You know Merida won’t hug you like in the commercials, right? Nobody likes you, Consuelo.” said her brother Juan as the family prepared to board the plane.

The family took their first class seats, and Consuelo managed to get a seat in the last row via standby. Consuelo put on her headphones, cranked “Slow Ride” to full blast, and imagined herself in the warm, Scottish embrace of Merida, princess archer extraordinaire. When the plane landed at MCO, Consuelo asked people to please let her pass, since she knew the family would leave her behind. Consuelo sprinted with all her might to the Magical Express desk to catch up with her family. She had to pee real bad but ignored the pain.

Consuelo spotted her family just as they were boarding the Disney Magical Express to the Polynesian Resort. She hopped on the bus just as the doors were closing. The family groaned. “Our vacation is ruined!” said Mother. Consuelo didn’t care. She was going to Disney World.

As the bus pulled into the Polynesian, Consuelo gasped. It was a tropical wonderland. Consuelo smiled for the first time in forever. Will I finally know the pleasure of a virgin pineapple daiquiri served to me by a sexy pool boy? Consuelo dared to let herself hope.

“Isn’t there a broom closet or something you can put her in?” Mother asked, jerking her thumb in Consuelo‘s direction when they arrived at the check-in desk.

“I’m sorry,” said the cast member. “Everyone in your party must stay in a guest room. Are you ready to set up your MagicBand, Consuelo?”

Four hours later, Consuelo’s MagicBand was activated and the family headed to their rooms. Consuelo looked across the Seven Seas Lagoon toward her destiny. Consuelo was going to the Magic Kingdom and Merida was going to hug her and Consuelo was going to be happy.

The family decided to take a nap because they are the kind of annoying, horrible people who take a nap as soon as they get to Disney World. Consuelo did not want to sleep though. Instead she went out to the balcony and watched as happy families played on the beach. She wondered if she would ever get to be happy like them.

When the family awoke, Father decided that they would start their vacation at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, “Disney’s best park!” Consuelo’s dad sucks. So the family went, begrudgingly towing Consuelo along. They arrived and rode the handful of rides there—Tower of Terror, Rock & Roller Coaster, Star Tours.

Consuelo smiled briefly during the Beauty & the Beast show as she realized that Belle was wearing her dead mother-in-law’s dress to dinner. The day ended with dinner and Consuelo’s aunt allowed her to have a sip of her Sprite, an uncommon act of kindness.

“Mom, make Consuelo stop picking her scabs during dinner!” cried Juan. Consuelo could twist the knife just as well as her family could.

That night Consuelo dreamed in restless sleep. She was spinning around too fast in a giant tea cup, Merida’s flaming hair a blur in the background. Consuelo awoke with a gasp. She got up from the floor and went to the balcony. Across the lagoon, the sun was rising on the Magic Kingdom. Consuelo knew that today she would finally get her hug and feel loved by somebody.

She showered and dressed then waited patiently for her family to up. She popped in her favorite cassette: War’s Greatest Hits. Just as “Low Rider” finished playing, the family woke up and got ready for breakfast. Mother told Consuelo she had to stay in the room and wait for them while they all went upstairs to the restaurant to eat. Consuelo did as she was told because she didn’t want to risk making Mother angry and being left behind while the family went to the Magic Kingdom.

Eventually the family returned from breakfast and they all went off to the park. Consuelo was so filled with hope and happiness that she thought she would cry. They sailed across the lagoon in a little boat, with the castle getting nearer and nearer.

The day was glorious. Consuelo got to ride Pirates of the Caribbean, The Haunted Mansion, and Space Mountain. Consuelo was even allowed to get a popcorn along with the rest of the family. Juan only tripped her three times over the course of the day. Father called her the worst only once—when she piled into a pirate ship with him and Juan on the Peter Pan ride. Even Mother was kind to Consuelo; she ignored Consuelo all day.

As the day wore on, Consuelo began to get anxious. When would they meet Merida? The park was only open a few more hours and nobody else had mentioned meeting another character.

“Auntie Lola, can we please go visit Merida before we leave? She’s my best friend. She loves bagpipe punk just like me.” Consuelo asked this innocently.

“Merida is lame. Of course you would want to meet her. Honestly, Consuelo, you are the worst,” Aunt Lola replied.

Consuelo was heartbroken. She had dreamed of meeting Merida, of getting a hug from her best friend—her only friend—in the whole world, of momentarily feeling like somebody cared about her. Consuelo began to cry.

“Ugh! Consuelo, what’s wrong with you? This is why we can’t take you anywhere. Why the hell are you crying?” Mother demanded.

“Oh, Consuelo, honestly! No! We are not going to see your stupid princess friend. C’mon, let’s go. NOW!” Mother grabbed Consuelo’s wrist hard and dragged her forward. Father, Juan, and Uncle Jorge ran off to ride Space Mountain again, leaving Consuelo with her mother and aunt. The three wandered over to the tea cups, with Consuelo still crying and Mother and Aunt Lola ignoring her the whole time.

As they waited in line for the tea cups, Consuelo slowly stopped crying. Why should she be surprised that she wouldn’t get to meet Merida? Why should today be any different than any other day in her life? She was an idiot to hope for a hug, right? Consuelo just wanted to go home now. She wanted to lay in bed and listen to Led Zepplin and read her collection of Martha Stewart wedding magazines (that she swiped from her teacher’s garbage bin at school). She resumed her normal placid inexpressive face and followed Auntie Lola and Mother onto the tea cups.

“No, Consuelo. This cup is for Auntie Lola and me. You can go get in one of your own,” said Mother.

Consuelo turned and got in a big pink teacup all alone. She sat silently and patiently waited as the ride swirled around and the happy music played. She disinterestedly looked around at happy families in teacups, smiling and laughing, with their hair whipping around. The music stopped. The ride slowed down and ended. Mother and Aunt Lola had already walked ahead to meet with the men, not waiting for Consuelo. She walked quickly to catch up with them.

Consuelo’s fun in Walt Disney World was over.

Across the path from the tea cups a slender, tall, white egret stood. It watched the sad chubby girl as she trailed behind the two women who wouldn’t let her ride with them. The egret shed a silvery tear, raised its head to the sky and chirped. Then it flew off toward Tomorrowland as a wild caterwaul from far, far away grew ever nearer…