The etiquette of 'it's over'

Reporter

It's over, farewell, it's not you... No matter which words you choose, text is probably not the best way to say them.

Is there any “right” way to break up with someone?

For me, it’s probably right up there with the most unpleasant things you can do. I’d happily undergo a root canal without anaesthesia before I told someone that I “just wasn’t that into them”. If it’s clear that they’re feeling more or less the same way, it’s not such a big deal, but when one party is quite keen and the other wants out, there’s no easy way to break the bad news.

In high school, there was less beating around the bush. “You’re dumped,” would generally suffice, or perhaps he’d tell his best mate instead and the news would trickle down through your classmates until word finally got back to you, the now-ex-girlfriend.

Worse perhaps was a practice that sadly, some don’t outgrow as teenagers. The confrontation-averse would choose to simply ignore the problem – the problem being the unwanted boyfriend or girlfriend – until the said problem finally stopped making unreturned phone calls and texts and got the message that the relationship was over. It’s probably my least favourite version of a breakup, and one that I’ve never subjected anyone else to. If you’re going to end it with someone, tell them straight out, and don’t make the poor sod go through that undignified, soul-destroying process of checking their phone every five minutes for the message or call that will never come.

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I remember seeing a guy when I was about 18 or 19. It was a brief relationship but I was totally infatuated, and then, a few weeks in, he stopped returning my calls. Regrettably, I went to his house to see him, clinging to the delusional hope that perhaps he’d lost his phone. He wasn’t home but his Mum sat me down and told me what Dean couldn’t – he wasn’t really ready for new girlfriend. I got dumped by Dean’s Mum.

To his credit, Dean followed up his Mum’s intervention with a very nice handwritten apology letter and a bunch of flowers – Lois’ suggestion, I’m sure, but it softened the blow all the same. When he started dating someone else a couple of weeks later, I realised that Lois had fed me a load of BS. Not ready for a new girlfriend, pffft. Dean just wasn’t that into me.

Would I have preferred to have been told the truth? Probably not. I don’t think it would have made me feel any better about myself, and I think that sometimes a little white lie – “I’m not really over my ex”; “I think I just need to focus on me for a while” is infinitely kinder than telling someone the truth – that they have bad breath, that you met someone better-looking, or that their skills in the bedroom are not up to scratch.

A friend of mine, Tara, told me about a recent experience she’d had with a guy she’d been on a few dates with. They didn’t sleep together, but when they finally kissed she didn’t feel any chemistry. A shame, given that he was perfect on paper, she said. Dropping Tara home at the end of their last date, he’d asked when he was going to see her again. “Ummmm…” she said. “I’ll have a look in the diary and get back to you.” Tara knew there wouldn’t be a next time, but didn’t have the guts to say that to his face. The next day, she wrote him an email telling him that although she thought he was great, she wasn’t really “feeling it”.

His response surprised her. “Thanks for letting me know,” he said, “but um, sh*t way to do it.”

Tara conceded that cutting it off via email wasn’t the most courageous thing she’d done, but at the same time wondered if, after just four dates, she owed him anything more than that? “It’s not like we were officially going out or anything,” she told me. “And at least it was an email, that’s better than a text message, right?”

I told Tara I’d done much worse, breaking up with a long-term boyfriend via email after several face-to-face attempts to end it always resulted in him talking me into staying. In email, I figured he had it in writing, and could re-read it to confirm what he had trouble hearing. It also gave me the opportunity to be far more eloquent than I would have been in person, and more comprehensible, without the snotty crying fits that accompanied my efforts to do it while looking at his sad face.

We met up again afterwards to talk it through properly, but in that situation, I felt that the email was a necessary prelude to the tête-à-tête.

What do you think? Is email – or even text – ever an acceptable way to break up with someone? How honest should we be when telling the dumped why we’re not staying around?

76 comments so far

I dumped a long time boyfriend by email (he was in the UK, I'd returned from my OE). Big mistake.

Still, a text or email is vastly preferable to the 'disappearing off the face of the earth' approach which some people favour as a breakup method. Ouch.

Commenter

RdBird

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 12:49PM

Well, I haven't had a boyfriend yet, so I don't really know. But in my probably idealised mind, I would say that a face to face breakup would probably mean the most. But that would count for a relationship that was going well for a while and we were connecting.

If it were just a few dates and nothing really major, then I would be more prepared to do it via text or some other electronic way. A phone call would be best actually.

So the best way for me is Face to Face, second best way is a phone call and the cra**iest way would be via text

Commenter

Triple S

Location

Sydney

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 12:50PM

I much prefer to be broken up via email or text, no matter how long the relationship (although if I was seriously in love with the person then maybe not) as then I can at least have my breakdown or lack thereof privately.

Commenter

anon

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 12:55PM

Oh it depends how long you have been with someone and at what stage you're at in the relationship. First date? Sure, no return of calls, whatever. A few dates but no sex? Well, I think at least on the phone, talking, not texting. I've had a couple of guys "break up" with me via text. One was an arse, the other, well, he tried not to be. At least I got the chance to have my say and tell them straight what douches they both were. I think you get to a point where honesty is definitely the best policy. And even though it's hard, people generally always feel that little bit better if you are just upfront with them. One of my now best friends was completely upfront with me and it was the best thing he could have done.

Commenter

Liv

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 12:55PM

Ah the old email/textbreak/FB break up. Doesn't it depend on teh the length of the rlationship? I think that getting the 'thanks but no thanks' after after a couple of tentative dates is sort of ok but not with someone you've slept with or been intimate.

I still remember the line rom the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie 'You broke up with my answering machine?!' This was before the days of the movbile of course.

Sometimes you do need closure via an email to exlain how you really feel but in general no, people should do it in person if possible. I tend to find that a lot of people don't even bother with a text, they just disappear. And then pop up for a random chat/msg 8 months later when you have no idea who they are. Delete, delete, delete.

Commenter

She-Raz

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 12:58PM

After a couple of tentative dates, you only need to stop arranging further dates to call the whole thing off. No need for an announcement at all. After dates plus sex, yes probably. 'Not that into you' or variant is probably the best that most of us could manage. Do you really want the humiliation of having your shortcomings listed, or to have to find the brutal honesty to be able to do that to another? No, better to be firm, but vague. OK, it's an art, and one most of us hope not to become too practiced at.

Last time I did it, it was to end an extra-marital affair (OK, I'm a louse, a cheater, save the taunts for someone else, please). At the time I was with my lover in a hotel in another city (her home city) while I attended a conference. There was another day and night to go at the conference. I didn't ask her to leave (didn't have the heart) and to my surprise, she stayed, even driving me to the airport for a sad but affectionate farewell a couple of days later. Not too much awkwardness. She was a sport. Hope she found someone.

Commenter

rudy

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 1:46PM

Respectfuly l disagree rudy. I think it's always polite to indicate your intentions. I take people seriously and I expect to be treated with the same dignity. Dismissing or ignoring a person is rude IMO. I am not a drama queen but I do like to know where I stand with people. Clarity is awesomely powerful.

Commenter

She-Raz

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 2:32PM

Looks like you broke up with your spell-checker.

Commenter

Bob Rhino

Location

Westish

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 2:50PM

Thanks for picking that up Bob. What would I do without you?

Commenter

She-Raz

Date and time

November 27, 2012, 2:57PM

As I said, if you've screwed, you owe them an explanation for not wanting more. After a couple of tentative dates and it's still tentative, then If neither arranges a further date, enough said. Why would you want a character assessment from someone you barely know?