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What's dangerous about BDSM?

can be considered a type of sexual play, preference, or identity where an individual derives satisfaction from receiving pain, inflicting pain, or both. Often called "S&M," sadomasochism is part of a large category of consensual sex practices and lifestyles called BDSM. BDSM is an acronym for "bondage and discipline," "dominance and submission," and "sadism and masochism."

Sadomasochism can be difficult for people to understand, and for some it can seem downright scary. For individuals who prefer a more "vanilla" sexual life with no kink, it can seem odd that there are people who want to be whipped, uncomfortably chained to a cross, caned, or otherwise tortured. Equally as disturbing can be imagining oneself being the person who enjoys doing these things to others. For many people the practices associated with sadomasochism can bring up strong reactions, one of them commonly being, "That's dangerous!"

In an article published by ABC News last year, and in other articles from mainstream news sources over the past few years, this seems to be the reaction. The ABC article, entitled, "Love Hurts: Sadomasochism's Dangers," discusses a 67-year old man who was rushed to the emergency room after losing consciousness in a sex club. He had passed out during an S&M scene that involved him hanging by his arms from a cross, and the damage was so severe that it took him a few days to regain consciousness. The article discusses how lucky the man is to be alive, and goes on to talk about the more unfortunate individuals who have died while engaging in S&M practices. Not surprisingly, the article's main message, as expressed by the sex experts they quote in the article, seems to be that people shouldn't get into dangerous sex.

It's true that some sex practices can be dangerous, and that people should always take precaution when experimenting with a new practice. But people can get injured or die from a variety of activities. A SCUBA diving death is not uncommon, nor is a rock climbing death. Even dying during sex isn't uncommon after a certain age. What makes BDSM injuries and deaths so newsworthy is that they occurred during alternative sex practices that are not widely well understood. The mystery surrounding these practices allows people to be easily frightened, and it can make judgment seem a little more okay.

In the ABC News article it seems like the reaction expressed ("That's dangerous!") is thinly masking a judgment toward BDSM. If the message is really just that S&M (and hence BDSM) can be dangerous for some people at some times, then it would make sense to give tips about how to reduce the danger (other than full abstinence). For instance, the dangers associated with BDSM can be greatly reduced by consensually playing with a caring, experienced partner, using safewords, and clearly defining boundaries ahead of time. There are many safety precautions taken by those who engage in BDSM, and nearly none of that information is presented in this article, which makes individuals who are into BDSM practices appear to be universally irresponsible and negligent.

In addition, the article appears to pathologize individuals who prefer BDSM to more normative sex practices, assuming them to be incapable of love. As quoted in the article, Judy Kuriansky, a sex psychologist, says, "There is a triumvirate of guilt, embarrassment, and fear of intimacy for these people... It's rare that all of the sudden they can give up on being interested in pain and suddenly capable of being loved." It seems that while the article started with one reaction, that BDSM is dangerous, it ends with a judgment that BDSM is a shameful, rarely curable pathology that afflicts those who cannot experience love and intimacy. By asserting that the inclusion of S&M in sex precludes a person from experiencing love, the article is endorsing the idea that there is only one way to love. However, many individuals in BDSM communities vehemently disagree, and maintain that they do love, and that BDSM allows them to do this more fully. To quote Lee, the main character in the S&M themed movie, "Secretary": "I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me."

So what's dangerous about BDSM? Is BDSM dangerous because it is bad for our health, or because it is non-normative and threatening to traditional views on love? Is BDSM only for deviants who can't love, or is BDSM just a different way of loving? Before deciding, it can be useful to take a look at the other side of the issue, from the perspective of those who enjoy BDSM in their lives. A few websites that explain pro-BDSM views are below.

Sigh, of course they're prejudiced, they don't understand it and it frightens them. BDSM is the ultimate symbol of trust and security in a way, because you are not only putting trust in relationship but also in the physical body. It provides a stronger sense of security, and at times a deeper connection. Though you have to be of a open mind to really experience it

I just wanted to express my joy in reading an intelligent, positive article on BDSM. I fairly new to the BDSM world, but have read and come across plenty of negative stereotypes about it. My preference for BDSM is too often and inaccurately portrayed as being deviant, disgusting, or immoral. To say that those of us who enjoy consensual BDSM practices with our partners are unable to love is completely ignorant. I don't know how Kuriansky ever came to be a sex therapist but her views on BDSM are completely inaccurate and only further the stereotype that people who practice BDSM are flawed, or worse. Thanks for writing a great article.

I enjoy being punished by women in the following ways:
> Spanking (Paddle my bare butt until it is a bright red) - I really enjoy a paddle coated with sandpaper.
> Force me to kiss your ass - love kissing a women ass in tight pants.
> Force me to smell your ass - the smellier the better remember this is a punishment. Force me to stick my nose in the crack of your ass right after you take a crap and smell it. Force me to smell your farts - right from your ass to my nose.
> Shove my face into a toilet full of your crap.
> Stick a cactus down the seat of my pants and force me to go horseback riding. For the second half of the ride I would be bare butt with sandpaper glued to the saddle.

Not sure why the thoughts of these things turn me on. What are your thoughts?

I'm so glad that the ABC article "Love Hurts!" was called out. I just finished reading it before I found this article, and I found that last article to be so offensive that I ended up making an account just to comment about how offensive it was.

I considered emailing in to say I had more information on the subject, but thought better of it.

Even so, I felt like this was a great article that was very unbiased, which I greatly appreciated.

I have a friend/confidant/cyber-lover who is very into BDSM. We have recently started talking about it and what it means to him - what he feels TRUE BDSM is about. The Love and Trust that must be there, the deepness of the feelings & connection, the mind and body connection, both within himself and with his partner.

I have seen so much (and yet very little as I have never researched this topic before) hogwash on BDSM that I was completely awestruck by the way he spoke of this lifestyle - the love and trust and connection. The intimacy. His words were lovely, caring ....

He and his former wife engaged in this lifestyle and were successful and happy in it. They shared deeply and completely and I fear that because of all the BS that is out "there" about BDSM, he will never find another partner with whom to share this connection, and of course, share his life.

I would really like to know if anyone has found an online community of true loving BDSM people.

This is a different way of loving for him, indeed. I have known him as an online lover for nearly 3 months and this part of him has not entered into our loving making. I feel pretty sure that all of the sexual encounters in his marriage did not revolve around BDSM. He is a bit hesitant to speak of it all, as of yet, because of the memories that he re-lives. It must be very painful - I see it in him - to have found someone with whom you can be so completely yourself, in all ways, and then lose that person, and wonder....wonder if you will ever have this type of relationship again.

Out of all the practices of love, the bottom line is that there no clear way. Through talking to several individuals in various relations, BDSM oriented relationship appear to require the highest amount trust and the most devout level of intimacy between partners. Granted the idea of being bound and submitting to someone is unappealing to many, but if you think about it...you would have to trust the person binding you entirely. The stimulant is not, in this case, lust rather it is intellect and bonding between partners. For many submissive individuals in this type of relationship, they seldom reach a climatic satisfaction as well, but thrive instead off the bond and trust they have with their partner. It is sad that many individuals enter BDSM relationships for the sexual appeal and in those cases, problems can present themselves. But these are false BDSM relationships. I don't condone beginning a BDSM lifestyle because it sounds hot or sexy, but I am posting this comment to make people aware that BDSM relationships in true representation can hold a stronger trust and bond then ever imagined.

Out of all the practices of love, the bottom line is that there no clear way. Through talking to several individuals in various relations, BDSM oriented relationship appear to require the highest amount trust and the most devout level of intimacy between partners. Granted the idea of being bound and submitting to someone is unappealing to many, but if you think about it...you would have to trust the person binding you entirely. The stimulant is not, in this case, lust rather it is intellect and bonding between partners. For many submissive individuals in this type of relationship, they seldom reach a climatic satisfaction as well, but thrive instead off the bond and trust they have with their partner. It is sad that many individuals enter BDSM relationships for the sexual appeal and in those cases, problems can present themselves. But these are false BDSM relationships. I don't condone beginning a BDSM lifestyle because it sounds hot or sexy, but I am posting this comment to make people aware that BDSM relationships in true representation can hold a stronger trust and bond then ever imagined.

I know for the sub it's not "supposed" to be about orgasms or anything traditionally pleasurable (s&m loves rules.. what's up with that?) But for someone to continually wish to deny themselves of something reasonable, and to seek out more and more extreme ways of "almost dying" there has to be SOMETHING going on or some reason for that.

Let's say "light" s&m is okay. Spanking, "you're a naughty girl", tying up, etc. So what about extreme, full time, blood play and urine, etc etc play s&m. Is that totally cool? Do you EVER draw the line for health? What if you need that once a week to 'get off'? isn't that a little elaborate/ridiculous?

What if someone wants to be forced to drink piss while tied up with razor wire and cut with knives and burned while being anally sodomized with a baseball bat? Is that totally chill?

I know, I know "Who are YOU to judge?"

Why are hard drugs illegal and marginalized if all that is legal? Don't they become almost the same thing at one point?

BDSM is different for every single person who gets involved in it. There are no rules, IMO, except those setup by the couple/group/family.

"I know for the sub it's not "supposed" to be about orgasms or anything traditionally pleasurable (s&m loves rules.. what's up with that?) "

So completely not true. There are 3 parts to BDSM and you speak only of the sadism/masochism.

This is what Wiki says:

BDSM is a continuum of erotic practice and expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

Notice the word "consensual".

Before making comments,oohhhhh man, you might want to do a bit of research. Because your comment throws the entire thing out of context. And BDSM does not have to be 24/7 - I could be in the bedroom only.

Alright, so acronym semantics aside, of course the couple draws the line, but where does society draw the line? And more importantly, where will professionals clinically draw the line? Eventually some line has to be drawn, doesn't it?

Does it ever stop being "healthy" (even for bdsm'ers) at some point?

Also what are the psychological implications of this behavior? Sure, it doesn't have to be a 24/7 activity, but what if it is? Take my extreme scenario mentioned, for example. If you're compelled to put yourself through that weekly, are you a healthy individual?

I think it's an extremely interesting topic of which we've only scratched the surface.

Things like:

Groups/families- What an interesting way to mirror a typical "family" situation but within the context of a subculture. Are individuals involved in these groups creating a family environment they somehow missed when growing up?

I don't know that society has to draw any line. Society isn't in our bedrooms (or wherever!) with us. Does society become involved in all of our other "vanilla" sexual encounters? What positions we like? Should society dictate that "doggy style" means one thing or another, or that anal sex does?

I think you have a point, ohhhhh man, in that some BDSM relationships do go too far. I have read about both male and female slaves who allow their dom/domme to literally control their lives in all aspects. Unhealthy, IMO. But those same slaves/subs are already unhealthy, again, IMO. They have just found someone who nurtures their lack of self worth. Bad to be in a BDSM relationship? Probably. But that problem can't be solved by society. So yes, it can stop being healthy...and/or never was healthy. Definitely. BUT the kicker is that this same slave/sub (not the same but I'll use them interchangeably here) can be just as self-loathing in any kind of relationship, both sexual ones and non-sexual ones. The person just doesn't like him/her "self" and expects to be treated badly. Wants it even.

In my mind, that type of person is not healthy enough for a BDSM relationship and the dom/domme should be the responsible party and disallow the relationship. That is true caring. But of course, that is also not the norm... people will use and abuse others for the sake of doing so...mentally, physically, emotionally, financially... and so on. I have read of doms/dommes who will bring a self-loathing person into their lives but who will nurture that person into self-worth. After all, what "fun" would it be to a dom/domme to have someone just fall at his/her feet, without any "work"? Not fun.

The fantasies you mention, the scenarios, the scenes. Gosh, there is so much that can be said of each one, so much dialog that we could have and we might get there. But this isn't the place to get those answers, or at least it doesn't seem to be. At the moment you and I are the only 2 conversing. I have my opinions, you have yours - there needs to be input from a far larger group. I'm obviously open to MY definition of BDSM and I do not know your stance. You could be open to it but your definition could be so different.

Seriously, there are books written on this subject!

What I do NOT think is that there has to be a psychological problem with a person who enjoys different fantasies and different ways of enjoying sex, outside of what one might call the mainstream. I don't think the rape fantasy or the daddy fantasy needs to have an explanation unless the two people involved need it to. It would be nice to think that those who participate in these kinds of fantasies have some mental health stability, but who knows? I don't think society will ever have a say in this....and just as in any other sexual relationship, or any kind of relationship, mental/emotional health is just part of the equation.

There is a forum that is all about BDSM, AND other alternative "non-vanilla" relationship and sexual choices/desires/needs/wants. You might want to go there and ask some questions (of course you have to join) and you will get one heck of a lot of input. fetlife.com (hope this is allowed!)

BTW, my first comment here was on Dec 8, 2010. I am the Anonymous who has commented ever since then. I'm going to call myself Cgirl for the rest of my comments here.

I am truly happy to see someone mention both good and bad sides of BDSM. Some people love skydiving so much that they turn it into a professional sport in their lives, but even precautions haven't made them immune to death. BDSM surely is a matter of trust, but we humans aren't born with the same state of mind. I was never into vanilla sex and still don't feel turned on by vanilla touch. I always imagined to try what the society thought was forbidden. Unfortunately, the first experience did not go well. My date was into it too, but I truly underestimated his imaginations and romantic history. I experienced what you described. He turned my life into a country of dictatorship. I liked my night time with him. He was dangerous, yet greatly turned my wild dreams into reality. But then came a time, when he started shutting me in room for hours even when I had important things to do outside like studying and working. He was dominating me fully and funny thing was that I was finding it great despite the pain I was feeling in my heart. I finally said goodbye to him after hearing from someone that he messed up one of his dates' brain by doing similar stuff. She started having fear towards men for which she had a hard time going back to dating scene. After the breakup, I felt like a fish on the ground. I could no more take decisions for myself. It was numb in my brain. I felt as if I had nothing to give to anyone. It was the creepiest feeling I ever had. I wasn't crying that it was over. I was not missing him. It was just very weird. I felt like a bot without a dead motherboard. It took me some months to come back to my senses.

Like BDSM and think that only good things come from it? Most people must not have ever heard of David Parker Ray and his "toy box". Or maybe they havent seen the transcipt of the instructions he left on a cassette for each abductee. Or how he had parties full of people tha were fully aware of where thier new sub came from. There are many many more like him and we are told that they either don't exist or are few and far between. Well that is until you factor in that most amature porn is created through slavery. Not subs but actual slaves. So why not draw a line in the sand somewhere?

Great point! On this post you have a small fraction of society who is into this S&M shit and defends it beyond reason. One thing you learn in life is that you will find people who will defend anything. They claim that this is the ultimate expression of love. But in doing so they've just proven that they can't really feel love, because having sex with love and passion is actually much more pleasurable than S&M.

I don't know that society has to draw any line. Society isn't in our bedrooms (or wherever!) with us. Does society become involved in all of our other "vanilla" sexual encounters? What positions we like? Should society dictate that "doggy style" means one thing or another, or that anal sex does?

I think you have a point, ohhhhh man, in that some BDSM relationships do go too far. I have read about both male and female slaves who allow their dom/domme to literally control their lives in all aspects. Unhealthy, IMO. But those same slaves/subs are already unhealthy, again, IMO. They have just found someone who nurtures their lack of self worth. Bad to be in a BDSM relationship? Probably. But that problem can't be solved by society. So yes, it can stop being healthy...and/or never was healthy. Definitely. BUT the kicker is that this same slave/sub (not the same but I'll use them interchangeably here) can be just as self-loathing in any kind of relationship, both sexual ones and non-sexual ones. The person just doesn't like him/her "self" and expects to be treated badly. Wants it even.

In my mind, that type of person is not healthy enough for a BDSM relationship and the dom/domme should be the responsible party and disallow the relationship. That is true caring. But of course, that is also not the norm... people will use and abuse others for the sake of doing so...mentally, physically, emotionally, financially... and so on. I have read of doms/dommes who will bring a self-loathing person into their lives but who will nurture that person into self-worth. After all, what "fun" would it be to a dom/domme to have someone just fall at his/her feet, without any "work"? Not fun.

The fantasies you mention, the scenarios, the scenes. Gosh, there is so much that can be said of each one, so much dialog that we could have and we might get there. But this isn't the place to get those answers, or at least it doesn't seem to be. At the moment you and I are the only 2 conversing. I have my opinions, you have yours - there needs to be input from a far larger group. I'm obviously open to MY definition of BDSM and I do not know your stance. You could be open to it but your definition could be so different.

Seriously, there are books written on this subject!

What I do NOT think is that there has to be a psychological problem with a person who enjoys different fantasies and different ways of enjoying sex, outside of what one might call the mainstream. I don't think the rape fantasy or the daddy fantasy needs to have an explanation unless the two people involved need it to. It would be nice to think that those who participate in these kinds of fantasies have some mental health stability, but who knows? I don't think society will ever have a say in this....and just as in any other sexual relationship, or any kind of relationship, mental/emotional health is just part of the equation.

There is a forum that is all about BDSM, AND other alternative "non-vanilla" relationship and sexual choices/desires/needs/wants. You might want to go there and ask some questions (of course you have to join) and you will get one heck of a lot of input. fetlife.com (hope this is allowed!)

BTW, my first comment here was on Dec 8, 2010. I am the Anonymous who has commented ever since then. I'm going to call myself Cgirl for the rest of my comments here.

I don't know that society has to draw any line. Society isn't in our bedrooms (or wherever!) with us. Does society become involved in all of our other "vanilla" sexual encounters? What positions we like? Should society dictate that "doggy style" means one thing or another, or that anal sex does?

I think you have a point, ohhhhh man, in that some BDSM relationships do go too far. I have read about both male and female slaves who allow their dom/domme to literally control their lives in all aspects. Unhealthy, IMO. But those same slaves/subs are already unhealthy, again, IMO. They have just found someone who nurtures their lack of self worth. Bad to be in a BDSM relationship? Probably. But that problem can't be solved by society. So yes, it can stop being healthy...and/or never was healthy. Definitely. BUT the kicker is that this same slave/sub (not the same but I'll use them interchangeably here) can be just as self-loathing in any kind of relationship, both sexual ones and non-sexual ones. The person just doesn't like him/her "self" and expects to be treated badly. Wants it even.

In my mind, that type of person is not healthy enough for a BDSM relationship and the dom/domme should be the responsible party and disallow the relationship. That is true caring. But of course, that is also not the norm... people will use and abuse others for the sake of doing so...mentally, physically, emotionally, financially... and so on. I have read of doms/dommes who will bring a self-loathing person into their lives but who will nurture that person into self-worth. After all, what "fun" would it be to a dom/domme to have someone just fall at his/her feet, without any "work"? Not fun.

The fantasies you mention, the scenarios, the scenes. Gosh, there is so much that can be said of each one, so much dialog that we could have and we might get there. But this isn't the place to get those answers, or at least it doesn't seem to be. At the moment you and I are the only 2 conversing. I have my opinions, you have yours - there needs to be input from a far larger group. I'm obviously open to MY definition of BDSM and I do not know your stance. You could be open to it but your definition could be so different.

Seriously, there are books written on this subject!

What I do NOT think is that there has to be a psychological problem with a person who enjoys different fantasies and different ways of enjoying sex, outside of what one might call the mainstream. I don't think the rape fantasy or the daddy fantasy needs to have an explanation unless the two people involved need it to. It would be nice to think that those who participate in these kinds of fantasies have some mental health stability, but who knows? I don't think society will ever have a say in this....and just as in any other sexual relationship, or any kind of relationship, mental/emotional health is just part of the equation.

There is a forum that is all about BDSM, AND other alternative "non-vanilla" relationship and sexual choices/desires/needs/wants. You might want to go there and ask some questions (of course you have to join) and you will get one heck of a lot of input. www.fetlife.com (hope this is allowed!)

BTW, my first comment here was on Dec 8, 2010. I am the Anonymous who has commented ever since then. I'm going to call myself Cgirl for the rest of my comments here.

BDSM can be exploitative. There are people who seek out people with emotional issues and use them. But there are people who do that in normal sexual relationships, too. I'd argue that an abuser who coerces a partner to submit to sex by making them feel like they deserve the abuse is MORE abusive than someone who coerces a partner to submit to sex because they're a "slave" or "sub." I'd also argue that the victim in an abusive bdsm relationship is less likely to suffer long-term damage than the victim in a vanilla one. In the vanilla abusive situation, the victim can only blame the abuse on themselves; they're forced into a position where their self-worth is damaged, which can last long after the relationship ends. In the bdsm abusive situation, the victim can internally blame the abuse on the structure of the relationship; once that bad relationship is over, the lasting damage is probably less.

On the other hand, BDSM relationships can be very beneficial. Sexual desires don't change a whole lot over time. For a person who has sexual desires that conflict with traditional or religious norms, they can grow to hate themselves. Finding someone who says "Your desires are not normal, but that doesn't make you a bad person" can be incredibly healing. And even if someone has self-worth issues, which we know are often deep-seated and impossible to change, and the person wants (or needs) those issues reinforced from time to time to feel whole, who the hell is society to deny them that?

This just reinforces a basic rule of good thinking: Don't get your views on anything from the media. Do your own thinking. Form your own opinions. The people in charge of the status quo are motivated to maintain it by any means necessary. They think they're acting in the public good so their conscience will never bother them into changing their behavior.

^^^ I agree with most of what you have said, Anon. Great post. Those who will be abusers or abused will be... but I have seen (again, online) people in submissive roles/relationships "heal" from those and move forward, having learned much, or having been happy....goes both ways.

Finding someone who says "Your desires are not normal, but that doesn't make you a bad person" can be incredibly healing.

Indeed. I never knew of these "outside of the traditional and/or religious norm" desires until they were introduced to me a couple of years ago. If only I had known.... :) I've met (online) many people who knew of their kinks early on and tried to push them away, hide or run from them, bury them -all for naught and these people are growing into 'themselves' now. They feel as if they have blossomed and there is finally a community to say "yes, it's OK to feel the way you do".

The one issue I take with your post is

your desires are not normal.

Normal is in the eyes of the beholder, or those who will judge. My desires are SOOOO normal for me, to me, and so fulfilling. After 35 years of "traditional/vanilla sex", I feel alive for the first time. I feel awakened. And I feel very VERY normal. Finally!!

I applaud JS for shaping this conversation with such an open perspective.

As a personal guide, public speaker, and workshop presenter on Conscious Kink and advocate for sexual freedom and honesty for the last 12 years, I am grateful to hear so many favorable comments and even wisdom about the depths of our sexual natures by the posters here.

Here is some further thought on the subject from my Conscious Kink Blog

The Empowering and Healing Nature of Fetish Sexuality

For the reported 20 to 30 percent of the human population so inclined, Fetish sexuality is like a mythic erotic gold mine, buried deep within. It is a rich treasure chest of vivid sensation, intense emotion, epic tales, alluring personas, taboo sexual ecstasy and empowering psychological depths.

It is also the most vilified, feared and misunderstood dimension of our sexual nature. For centuries, culture, religion, morality, and family, have tried to nullify all but the most rudimentary dimensions of our sexual nature, and project their own superstition and fear onto anything that deviates from their narrow view.

Fetish Sexuality, which can include kink, D/s, BDSM and a wide array of alternative sexuality, is a valid sexual orientation, similar to gay or lesbian orientation. It is innate, inherent, and it does not go away. It is yours for life. You cannot disown it. It does not need to be fixed or extracted, though many push it down into the unconscious shadow, where it may leak out in disturbing, risky, dangerous or compulsive behaviors. Human Eros, of every sort, is simply irrepressible!

Your sexual truth, like any other aspect of who you authentically are, will not damage you nor those you consciously engage with.

What is damaging and traumatic are the outdated cultural, moral, social, political, legal and religious codes that are intended to make us feel afraid, ashamed, immoral, criminal, pathological, sick, disgusting or dangerous about our sexuality. These traumas, shamings and harsh internalized moral judgments inflicted on us as we grew up, have gotten tangled up with our natural sexual desires. This has left many people frozen, and unable to express their innate desires joyfully, without simultaneously feeling guilty, ashamed or afraid of their own desires. This can leave them feeling stuck psychologically, emotionally and sexually, shut down or disconnected.

The key to coming to terms with our sexuality is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably and consciously, in a way that is in integrity with the agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompass our core values. We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious but powerful negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.

The range of Human Eros is a vast territory, largely unmapped, but rich and alluring in the promise of great sex. While the allure is an irresistible, lusty come-on, it is just the gateway to the depths that are now known to be available. I believe we have entered an era where Eros, in all its forms, is ready to be embraced and recognized as an integral aspect of the human psyche.

At the end of the day, control, domination, humiliation etc is all abuse, just because its sexual doesn't mea it isn't, I tried it and I feel destroyed by it, if some people like it then that's up to them but please don't encourage anyone to try it, it's ruined me

Some forms of BDSM definitely should be illegal. Some are harmless. I have had pretty much had the same experience you had, and it's caused me permanent harm, not only physically. In some cases dominants are sociopaths.

I fucking hate BDSM with a passion because it's exactly that! You pinned the nail on the head. It's mental perversion, it's ABUSE. How, in this morally depraved world, is simulating abuse OK? When I used to be into that shit, I would feel like complete shit for hours after I was done. It's not mentally healthy, it's just so fucking bad.

And I'll be heading to your website at home. You are thoughtful and well-educated in this lifestyle, or at the very least, are open to its openness. It is interesting that you state that our sexuality and tendencies toward or away from BDSM (as well as other things) is innate. I agree!!! I didn't know this until I was 52 or so, but man, now that I do, there is no turning back! And when I look back on my relatively short sexual history (as in 4 men, including my husband, whom I married at the age of 34), I can see bits and pieces of that which I felt I should hide. I'm OUT OF THE CLOSET and it is so refreshing!!!

Anon - Illegal? Well, then tickling would be illegal. It is a fetish, and very easily falls into the BDSM community of kink. Some would say that when men like to see pretty toenails and fingernails, well cared for and polished, that is a fetish and falls into this "illegal" territory. Just no. There is soooo much more to BDSM than BDSM, straight and simple as "Defined" by wherever you get your definition.

I'm sorry, Anon that you feel destroyed by your experience. I would suggest you get some professional help - as any one of us would have to do if ANY sexual experience destroyed/ruined us.

That said, one going into this "lifestyle", in any way, has to take responsibility for his/her actions, be aware of what he/she is getting into, and trust his/her partner. It is the same for "Vanilla" sex, frankly - the same way that you "check out" any partner, you must "check out" a BDSM/kink partner. Be informed, be careful, leave when it no longer feels safe.

"control, domination, humiliation etc is all abuse". No. It is abuse to those who feel abused, and it is abuse to those who use it as such. I'm not into humiliation, but that is my choice, and I'm clear about it. Control, domination, humiliation are defined by each of us differently. Just as love, respect and equality are.

This life of ours, and this very topic and any topic having to do with sex --- they are not black and white. We all feel differently and we all define ourselves and the "words" differently. There are some areas that are not gray, like physical abuse that is not consensual. Hay, I don't get the physical "abuse" thing in BDSM, but I'm not judging those who do. Who am I to judge?

Just "accidentally" found this article and wanted to comment on the topic of those involved in bdsm being incapable of love. I'm almost 40 years old, have been dabbling in bdsm "sexual play" from light to heavy since I was about age 19. My first sexual fantasies involved bondage and things of that nature. I have no idea why, and I can't for the life of me pinpoint why that is the case, it just is. That said, I have been in numerous "vanilla" relationships, and I have loved and been loved, despite the lack of sexual fulfillment. Even my 15 year marriage that produced 5 children was loving, and it ended only after the loss of a child, as so many marriage after such a traumatic experience. After my marriage ended, I was very depressed and very lonely. I decided that rather than deny myself my sexual fulfillment due to what others "think" is and is not appropriate, I would at that point in my life...do something for ME. I no longer gave a damn what other people thought and I joined an online community of individuals sharing similar interests and met a wonderful man that I have since fallen soundly and profoundly in love with. No only am I experiencing sexual fulfillment (night and day lol) 4 years later, I have never been so thoroughly loved in all my life. Never has a man taken such time and though in his every interaction with me before. When we met, he told me to be careful with who I chose to share myself, because I deserved to be loved and cherished. This was a new concept for me, I hadn't really been treated that way before in my many vanilla relationships (mostly kinda liked and generally ignored) and so I chose him and then he set out to love and cherish me in so many different ways every single day of my life. Although our play varies from light to heavy depending on energy and mood (and privacy because we do both have children and we'd no sooner dabble in this sexual play in front of them any more than a vanilla couple would their sexual play), this is the man who ties me up spanks me on a regular basis and uses all sorts of nasty little nicknames while we are playing, he is also the man who listens to me ramble about my day, my work and my children and lifts me up when I am down (and gets pretty testy at whoever happened to make me sad or feel bad lol). I was near suicidal after the loss of my daughter and I have never laughed and loved like this in my life. I am free. I am gloriously happy in the bedroom and I am not only in love but in love with being loved. I also love trusting him the way I do, and it's impossible to not trust him because in our "play" it's like I have been closing my eyes and falling just to be caught by him several times a day every single day 365 days of the year for 4 years. What others think of us bothers me not one little bit!

You see, BDSM seems to be different for everyone - each "dom/domme", each "sub/slave", everyone. It is all in what you put into it and what you want out of it. I'm not looking for that kind of relationship, but then my relationships must be discrete and meetings are 4-5 hours max.

One doesn't have to be a "doormat" to have a submissive nature. One doesn't have to be a mean bastard to have a dominant nature.

Just make sure it is safe and consensual, as any relationship should be.

I will say that I had a cyber relationship with a dominant man, and he was the most sensual and sensitive man I have ever "known". The dominant side of him was not his entire being - it was simply a part of him. Caring and nurturing, protective and yet allowed me to be the strong, independent woman that I am in my life. Wanted me to be!

All this said, there are some dangerous people out there who use BDSM as a mask for just plain abuse. Use your head and be aware.

There are many levels of BDSM, and at some levels I believe people are subjected to physical and emotional abuse that is just plain wrong. Not every dominatrix really knows or cares what she is doing. I am impotent because of one such encounter. I'm also SMI (Severely Mentally Ill), and I think that accounts for the fact that since I can still orgasm I continue to indulge my masochism from time to time. Someone please explain to me how the torture of someone's genitals, especially when it results in permanent harm as in my case, can be regarded as anything but wrong. I don't think it can, even with consent. There are even dommes who have said they would be ready and willing to castrate me. If I sign a release and consent to that, will that make it right? Please know, people, that not all BDSM activity is safe, sane, and consensual, though of course much of it is. I haven't read the popular novel that everyone's been talking about, but I think it's ironic that proponents and opponents of BDSM want to make this a black and white issue and no one seems to realize that there are shades of grey. Some BDSM behaviors are fun, others are destructive. It isn't as though there were one and only one type of BDSM. And, by the way, Sade, whom I have read, was a very deranged individual who went way beyond rebelling against the oppression of his day and entered into territory that one cannot enter, no matter how much of a freethinker one is, without becoming a scumbag.

It's obvious that S&M is sin and harmful. Look at the cases where there are ER visits and deaths. That's what you are longing for? Purposely inflicting pain when love is about pleasure is sick and twisted. Go ahead, but what you will find is that it takes more and more kink to get off each time, so it's only a slippery slope that leads down to injury, addiction and eventually hell. The mostly women masochists who are into it have had some trauma that they are re-enacting, and they need therapy. The sadists are personality disordered, socio and psychopaths who lack natural regard and feeling for others. I feel sorry for all of you and am praying that you come to your senses and seek God before it is too late. This isn't judgment. It's love. I love you too much to let you hurt yourself and not say anything.

...and from what experience are you speaking? There are ER visits and deaths in NORMAL sexual relationships. There are ER visits and deaths that result from driving a car--does that mean that driving a car is sinful and harmful? DId you consider that maybe pain is pleasurable for some people (a not at all surprising fact, given how closely entwined the pain and pleasure pathways are in the brain)? And why would you assume that just because you try a little bondage and light spanking suddenly means that down the line you'll end up wanting to do suspensions while being thwacked with a metal cane?
Your 'love' for me and those like me offend me. You are perfectly welcome to your opinions, just as we all are. But your 'love' is condescending superiority coming from a place lacking understanding. Don't pray for me, I don't want your prayers to change who I am and what I need. Why is it your business to try and stop people from doing what they safely and sanely enjoy in the privacy of their own relationships? This is a cross-cultural and long standing phenomenon, which would have faded away as cultures changed had there not been something that directs us toward it in nature (quite possibly to be found in neuroscience).
BDSM is not for everyone. It takes particularly stable and self-aware individuals to safely participate, and even if you are self-aware and stable it still may not be for you. That doesn't mean that it's wrong and sinful for someone else. I don't drink, but that doesn't mean I'm going to tell everyone else they can't have a pint at the end of the day. I'm not going to pray for them to seek my version of a God that condemns alcohol.
Let people do what they will. If two people agree and are safely able to consent, it's no one else's business.

It's obvious that S&M is sin and harmful. Look at the cases where there are ER visits and deaths. That's what you are longing for? Purposely inflicting pain when love is about pleasure is sick and twisted. Go ahead, but what you will find is that it takes more and more kink to get off each time, so it's only a slippery slope that leads down to injury, addiction and eventually hell. The mostly women masochists who are into it have had some trauma that they are re-enacting, and they need therapy. The sadists are personality disordered, socio and psychopaths who lack natural regard and feeling for others. I feel sorry for all of you and am praying that you come to your senses and seek God before it is too late. This isn't judgment. It's love. I love you too much to let you hurt yourself and not say anything.

Not everyone in BDSM is being abused or is abusing others. For those that have been abused in these kinds of relationships, I'm truly sorry. Please know that your experiences do not represent the ETHICAL, responsible, healthy relationships that many of us have. Those who object the loudest about this, usually have little understanding of what it is (in general) and that's ok, but please educate yourself and stop judging. Nothing makes me happier than to kneel on the floor at my Masters feet. :) Should I (or any other person in this lifestyle) feel "bad/broken/unhealthy etc" because of it? There are people out there that "think" I (we) should, but you know what . . . unless YOU are involved in my relationship, your opinion doesn't really matter. I do not make value judgments about other people's relationships.

If someone wants to engage in BDSM that is their choice. If someone wants a Vanilla relationship, it is their choice. Why can't we all just live and let live?

Cutting and other self-harming behavior is one of many diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder(BPD). They actually report a relief from the intense emotional pain they experience from the cutting and there is a chemical release that happens with pain--I think opiates are released. My point...cutting is unhealthy. It's dangerous, and doesn't help the person who suffers with BPD get the appropriate help for this brain disorder. If a person suffers with BPD and engages in BDSM, I see that engaging in BDSM may be an attempt for this person to self medicate and is not any healthier than abusing drugs and alcohol, and excessive risky sex and spending. There may be other psychological disorders that might be attracted to BDSM. Broadly saying that this is an alternative sex choice and participants can set limits on healthy practice during BDSM is, I think, misguided.

A long time friend of mine told me he was into BDSM and wanted to practice this outside of his sex life too, this was why he would sometimes behave strangely. (apparently trying to be dominant)
He also told me he was incapable of caring about other people.
I think one would have to be, since sadism is essentially the opposite of caring about another person.
My "friend" also did a self-esteem test once, scoring extremely low. He shows all the signs of hating himself, and I think this is the problem for him. He can't love others because he can't love himself.
This is probably because his father has always been overly critical of him. Now he tries to compensate for this lack of love and appreciation from his father by putting others down in an attempt to make a positive comparison between himself and them...

I tried BDSM with an ex bf. He needed to be drunk - wasted to be more exact - and I noticed he would get more excited while doing it; his sex drive was better so I accepted. When I asked him "at least tell me what we're going to do beforehand" he refused to tell me, said "it would ruin the moment". I don't think there was a deep connection between us: once I blacked out on his bed because he put too much pressure on my neck (the artery) and he didn't even tell me how to make him stop, as I couldn't move. And in this forum there's many people who defend this practice? I think it's for f****d up people like my ex, whose mother had tried to kill him twice with a kitchen knife when he was a kid. Our relationship ended when I found him having sex with his ex bf, doing the same BDSM things he would do to me, which I thought it was something "special" we shared just between us. I just walked away and never saw him again.

Chris . . . What you describe is not ethical or responsible. I am sorry you were abused like that. Good for you leaving an unhealthy situation.

You cannot assume everyone in this practice is like your ex. Not every BDSM relationship involves S&M either. You and a couple other posters here have taken personal experiences and tried to paint an entire community of people as "fucked up"
Sorry, but that makes no sense. Thats like an alcoholic asduming that everyone else who drinks, needs AA. Or a victim of domestic violence claiming that everyone in a relationship MUST be being abused simply because they were.

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