Not ‘Appy In Love

September 6, 2018

I’m ready to meet a guy who’ll ride the roller-coaster of life with me. We’ll sit in the front with our arms in the air; the wind blasting us in the face.

So, I’m putting the “training wheels” back on (and the helmet, knee pads and elbow pads because it’s been so long, I’ve forgotten what to do) and I’m getting back out on the… gulp… dating scene.

Between you and I… a girl has needs. I want a lover. A friend. Someone who’ll hug me after a sh*tty day. A man who’ll challenge my thoughts and complement me. I don’t just mean “you look great in that dress!” (but I’ll take that too). I mean support me and be my ally. A man who’ll be my plus one to my bestie’s engagement party and will patiently carry my bags as we walk through Barwon Heads markets, buying more than we need because I want to support local business.

How do you do it? I’ve dipped a toe in and tried “dating” apps but to be honest it’s left me feeling flat.

Are you dealing with these kinds of “applicants” too? These are the profile photos coming up in my radius:

Flipping the middle finger – when you put your middle finger in the air you’re not declaring “screw you society!” You’re being obnoxious. Oh look, I just swiped left with my middle finger.

The Car – if I wanted to date a transformer I’d go on CarSales. If you’re convincing me you’re a “Hot Rod” and will “rev my engine”, you can tow that pile of junk to the closest second-hand dealer.

The In-The-Crowd – we all enjoy a game of Where’s Wally, but I don’t want to guess you out of a line up. In consumer terms, that’s misleading advertising. We just want you to make your terms and conditions clear before we proceed with transaction. We don’t want to ask for Wally and end up with Waldo.

The Body – congrats, you have mastered the sit up, but have you failed to learn how to brush your hair? Why don’t you show your face? You’re happy to put an emoji over your d*ck. Are you wanted in four Australian states? If so, you shouldn’t be on social media. #justsaying

The Gym Selfie – you’re damn proud of yourself for making it to the gym for the 623rd day straight, aren’t you? Pat yourself on the back. In fact, take a photo of yourself patting yourself on the back while at the gym and post that as your profile photo. This will show off your exquisite muscle definition (insert sarcasm here). Jog on. Oh wait, you don’t do cardio #facepalm.

This won’t be my last desperate search for my Prince Charming to sweep in with my glass slipper, place me on his trusty steed and ride me off into the sunset. I gave up on fairy tales when I was 12 years old. I just think if you’ve met your partner on Tinder or Bumble, you’re the exception to the rule.

So, it’s back to pubs and blind dates for me. I’ll have to make sure the velcro on my helmet is done up tight, cause it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Stampsy is on the socials so get around her @lee_stamps on Insta & StampsyKROCK on the book!

Stampsy is the music director and drive announcer at K Rock in Geelong.