Sunday, 18 February 2018

Let's not judge

Being in the public spotlight, albeit in
our humble little suburb, opens me up for regular criticism. I have come to
accept and embrace the notion that I will always have haters, or people who
don’t agree with what I say and do, and people who judge me for the decisions I
make and the stand I take on certain issues.

And that’s ok.

However, I am still human. So despite my
bravado, sometimes criticism stings a little. My saving grace is that I’m
surrounded by an amazing circle of support and an incredible boyfriend, who
always remind me that to fight the fight I am fighting and to live with purpose
is to invite haters. It comes with the territory and it means I am exactly
where I need to be.

I’ve lost friends, clients and members of
my community over the years. Not because I’m not doing my job well, but because
I confront the big issues and I encourage people to own their shit. Not
everyone likes to own their shit. Instead, they like to show it to others and
turn it into someone else’s shit – this allows them the opportunity to continue
to NOT own their own shit. Try and say THAT fast three times.

Do I get it wrong sometimes? Hell yes. Do I
own it when I do? Absolutely.

One thing that I really don’t agree with or
encourage is to judge parents, especially mothers. ESPECIALLY single mothers. C’mon
ladies – this gig is TOUGH. Do we really need to publicly judge or ridicule
each other or talk about each other behind our backs?

I’ve been judged for a lot of things over
the years; choices I have made, views I’ve expressed both in my writing and in
speaking gigs. I’ve been criticised for ending a marriage, having an au pair,
having a nanny, working full-time, shacking up with and then falling in love
with a much younger man. I get criticised for the positive and close
relationship I have with my ex-husband. I’m judged for choosing to live
separately from my boyfriend, Tyler, for the first 3-and-a-bit years of our
relationship (actually, I get comments on all areas of our relationship, it
doesn’t seem to matter that we are blissfully happy and in love).

I’ve had people comment regularly on the
fact that Tyler does no parenting of my kids – why the fuck should he? He’s not
their dad! They have a dad and they didn’t ask for another one! And he didn’t
fall in love with the kids, he fell in love with me, it just so happened that I
came as a package deal! Wrap your head around that and judge away.

Non-conventional? Yep! Happy as two pigs in
mud? Oh, you have no idea ;)

I make a conscious choice to be quite open
about my life on social media. If people are going to connect with me because
of what they have seen on social media, I want it to be authentic. I want it to
be honest. Mistakes and all. I'm not just going to present the blissful side of my world, I'm going to be transparent and present all sides of my world. This opens me up for judgment because, yes, sometimes I make
mistakes. I don’t want people to see a blissfully happy life, free of mistakes,
issues and normal human stuff, because that wouldn’t be me.

Here’s the thing I don’t understand though,
when did we as humans decide it was acceptable to judge parents? Being a mother
is fucking hard. Being a single mother is NEXT level hard. Sorry to all the
mums who are still married, but it is. It’s not lost on me that I got the good
end of the deal when it comes to marriage separations. I have a good
relationship with my ex-husband, which gives me some flexibility of care.

But no matter what your custody
arrangement, as a single parent, you are trying to be everything for your kids
when you have them in your care – the mum, the dad, the full-time worker, the
company director, the daughter and family member, the friend, you name it. It’s
an extensive list and a lot of balls to keep in the air. When someone throws
judgment at me for a parenting decision I have made, it’s hard to not let that
sting deep. Because at the end of the day, we are all doing our very best with
the resources and knowledge we have and I am CERTAIN there isn’t a parent alive
who doesn’t have some level of regret for a shit parenting decision they have
made at some point. Mother's guilt is VERY real.

Why do we believe we have the right to make
this suffering worse for a parent? I know I make curly decisions regarding my
children that some people really struggle with. But these decisions are between
their dad and I. I know I am going to screw up many more times as my kids enter
their teens. I am shit scared of taking my daughter through her teens, she is
EXACTLY like me – headstrong, independent and moody.

Am I shitting myself? Absolutely.

What I am most worried about though, is the
public commentary I am going to get around my kids as they grow into young
adults. They don’t deserve that and nor do I. I am proud of the parent I am. I
am incredibly proud of the little humans I have created and managed to keep
alive for nine whole years. I am mostly proud of the job my ex-husband and I
are doing as a united front to raise them in an unconventional living
arrangement.

Our kids have a beautiful acceptance and
love for every possible relationship combination and they truly understand that
it is important to be loved and to love whole heartedly in a relationship. They
understand that life is incredibly short and that it’s ok to take risks and
embrace adventure.

So yes, I get judged for taking them on
scooters in Bali (you should have seen the joy on their faces as they rode
through the streets of Seminyak taking in the sites and smells) or white-water
rafting in crazy wild water followed by some risky Balinese village-prepared
lunch. I am sure eyebrows were raised for letting Sam go out on a fishing boat
without me in Fiji. But I can guarantee my kids are creating incredible
memories and are learning that it’s ok to take calculated risks.

On our most recent holiday in Fiji, I watched my daughter snorkel out on
the ocean. She clung to me and our guide for a bit, then she gently let go and
floated away from me. I watched her get a reasonable distance from me before
she realised. She got a little fright and swam back to me. For all my perceived
faults as a mother, it’s worth it to see the look on her face when she realised
what she had achieved.

So, before you go judging me, or any other
parent for that matter, how about we all just take a breath and remember that
we are doing our best in a very tricky, judgmental world. Let’s celebrate each
other, love each other and lift each other up, and embrace all of our
differences and appreciate that we all are just trying to keep these small
people alive.