Tennis: U.S. Open, men's first and women's second round, from Flushing (ESPN2, 7 p.m.)

Read Me

P.J. O'Rourke Being Young And Feisty: "Now a lot of people say to me, 'Hey, P.J., you like to drive fast. Why not join a responsible organization, such as the Sports Car Club of America, and enjoy participation in sports car racing? That way you could drive as fast as you wish while still engaging in a well-regulated spectator sport that is becoming more popular each year.' No thanks. In the first place, if you ask me, those guys are a bunch of tweedy old barf mats who like to talk about things like what necktie they wore to Alberto Ascari's funeral. And in the second place, they won't let me drive drunk. They expect me to go out there and smash into things and roll over on the roof and catch fire and burn to death when I'm sober. They must think I'm crazy. That stuff scares me. I have to get completely shit-faced to even think about driving fast. How can you have a lot of exciting thrills when you're so terrified that you wet yourself all the time? That's not fun. It's just not fun to have exciting thrills when you're scared. Take the heroes of the Iliad for instance – they really had some exciting thrills, and were they scared? No. They were drunk. Every chance they could get. And so am I, and I'm not going out there and have a horrible car wreck until somebody brings me a cocktail. [Heretical]

Elsewhere

Randall Cunningham Refuses To Let Steve Smith Wear His Old Jersey Number: "'No, I would not take it for a million bucks,' Randall said. 'For Jeffrey Lurie to put me in the honor roll like that, that's not something I take for granted. I went out and I bought a ring, like a Super Bowl ring, because of that honor and I put Philadelphia Eagles on it. That's my ring I show everybody. People ask me if that's a Super Bowl ring and I say, 'No. This is the ring they let me know that I was one of the players in the history of the Philadelphia Eagles and they honored me.'" [The 700 Level]

No, Let's Get This Clown Out Of Here: "A Massachusetts man whose colorful golf attire was briefly mistaken for a clown outfit has been charged in New York with driving a golf cart while drunk. [T]he Genesee County sheriff says they got a report that someone dressed as a clown was operating a stolen golf cart in the western New York town of Batavia on Sunday night. Deputies found 37-year-old James Straub, of Stoneham, Mass., driving along a road. " [MassLive]

Marc Savard's Post-Concussion Symptoms Cost Him Season:"Savard has not been examined recently by team doctors. But Savard is still experiencing post-concussion syndrome, more than seven months after his 2010-11 season – and possibly his career – ended on Jan. 22." [Boston.com]

Lithuanian Vodka Commercial Interlude:

We are all Dave McKenna CCVIII: Here's your daily link to Dave McKenna's brilliant "The Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," which we'll be posting until Snyder's dumbass libel lawsuit gouges its own eye out with pruning shears.

Merch: Managing editor Tom Scocca and contributing editor Drew Magary have both written books. You can buy Scocca's Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Futurehere, and Magary's The Postmortalhere. Now do it.