Should we let our kids look at porn?

Melanie Hearse |
August 18, 2014

We know being curious about sex is normal but when it comes to looking at porn, parents are often out of their depth. Should we ban it altogether? This expert says no, but warns that parents must set a good real-life example.

As mum to two boys rapidly approaching the early stages of tweenager-hood, I recently read with interest a forum post that roughly asked:

"It doesn't matter how I try to block my son's access to porn, according to his browser history, he's finding it anyway. Would it be better for me just to give in and provide him with some forms of pornography so I can at least keep him away from the 'stronger' stuff?"

Before you slate the asker of the question, she wasn't suggesting a sit down and surf for porn together session, nor was she lax on the computer supervision front. It's not particularly a modern-day problem, either. I grew up with teenage male friends well before the advent of the internet and they had no shortage of magazines to snigger at. Pornography and young males is nothing new.

Being curious about sex is also not unhealthy - it is normal and natural, and as someone that grew up in the era of not really talking about it and therefore struggled internally with the transition from sex being taboo as a teenager to suddenly OK, normal and even expected as a newly minted adult, I’m hoping to help my guys grow up to see sex as a great thing – but of course between two consenting adults!

Are there any differences between boys and girls when it comes to porn?

Research reports that most boys and girls in Australia have seen pornography by the age of 13. This is usually by being shown the porn by someone – usually older siblings or peers at school. However, there have been studies reporting that the average age for boys actively seeking porn is 10, explains Dr Janet Hall, sex therapist and author of the book Sex-wise: What Every Parent and Teenager should know About Sex.

Dr Hall says while she’s not certain what the average age is for girls, she believes that girls are much less likely to seek out porn independently when they are alone.

“Girls are more likely to look at porn with other girls - more to ‘peek and eek’ at the sights of bodies being sexual. They see it as ‘naughty and exciting’ but not as an instant turn-on and stimulation for their own sexual arousal. Boys, however, are mostly seeking sexual stimulation and will try to masturbate to orgasm as a result of watching the porn,” she says.

What’s the big deal?

Dr Hall explains looking at pornography can have a negative psychological impact because of the sexualised imagery - wherein young people have unrealistic ideas of perfect body image and judge themselves as being inadequate.

They can also have unrealistic sexual expectations and practices – such as “a sexually competent man has a hard penis all the time and can last for ages” and “all girls like anal sex” and you don’t have to wear a condom.

The second concern is with their ongoing sexual development. Consistent watching of porn through adolescence and early adulthood, when the brain is at its peak of neuroplasticity and dopamine levels are at their highest, creates an environment of increased vulnerability to addiction. Dr Hall says excessive use rewires the brain and interferes with the circuits involved in natural satiation mechanisms, resulting in numbed pleasure responses.

“Some researchers claim that the internet’s unending novelty gives pornography the potential to become more addictive than drugs, food and gambling. Porn addiction can have dire consequences with sexual performance. Research indicates that the escalation of erectile dysfunction in youthful men can be attributed to excessive internet pornography use,” she says.

“Young men presenting to therapy report erectile difficulties, an absence of sexual desire and inhibited ejaculation during partner sex. However, they don’t have performance problems during self-masturbation to pornography,” she says.

So how do you tackle your kids looking at porn?

So, is there a healthy way you can help them navigate what is likely to be put in front of them by friends, whether they seek it out or not? Dr Hall says yes.

“Parents do need to be open about their feelings about porn – especially if they find something they think is unsavoury on their child’s computer. Most importantly, there is a need to talk with your kids about issues of consent, intimacy, power and respect in their personal relationships,” she says.

She suggests the very first chats about sex at the age of six could stress mutual caring and kindness, and by the time porn is a likely experience, the parent can talk about how and why porn is not respectful. Talking about porn should form part of the overall discussions you have with your kids about sex.

“Parents also have to talk openly about their fears of porn in social settings, especially to the schools. For instance they should ask for expanded content of cyber and sex education programs. Such programs warn of online stranger danger and cyber bullying, however, the sexual component to online use seems largely ignored,” she says.

What should you not do?

Parents should not ban their kids from looking at porn because this just creates a reaction of “... just watch me look at porn because I will do what I want and you can’t tell me what to do,” says Dr Hall.

“Parents need to be quick to access any opportunity with family viewing time or written media to discuss sexual implications and keep insisting on loving sexuality with mutual respect.”

Last but not least, it is the old parenting standby of monkey see, monkey do – Dr Hall reminds us we need to be good models too, because we know kids learn from what they see. This means being respectful and loving towards each other and they’ll see romantic relationships as more than the often soulless and unrealistic images portrayed in pornography, and aim for that instead!

And so to answer the question posed in the title of this story – no, of course you shouldn't 'let' them!

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