Wednesday, May 25, 2011

True Love

I would like to start off today's post by giving a HUGE shout out to a fabulous artist and friend DJ Catrow for designing a logo for my blog on his own free will. He is getting his Masters in Fine Art at SAIC in Chicago......he rocks. I miss the hell out of him and all of my CCHS class of 2003 friends.

This brings me to today's topic. TRUE LOVE:

From a young age I have had an infatuation problem. Some may have called me boy crazy, but to me it was different. I wasn't really interested in having a boyfriend per say, I was more interested in how people's minds worked and who they were as people. My first victim was a boy named Shermy Butts, yes I said it, SHERMAN BUTTS. My guess, he is probably seeing a therapist weekly based solely on his birth name. Anyway, this kid was also a ginger (imagine that) and I was in love....or so I thought. I remember to this day trying so hard to impress him. I would ask him during coloring time if he had watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lately. Then, I would make up episode plots to act like I really was interested in the show. He never caught on, to my knowledge, and he will be forever known as my first crush.

As I moved through grade school, the crushes continued. Once I felt I had gotten to know someone pretty well, I was ready to pick the next victim's brain. I was also known to be a repeat offender. Sometimes, I would realize I hadn't gotten an accurate portrayal of who the person was, so I would go out with them for round two. Mind you, going out at this age meant that you called them your "boyfriend," but never actually talked to them or hung out with them outside of third period spelling class.

Once I moved on to High School, it was all over. Now, there were OLDER boys in my classes. Let's just say, the infatuation continued. If I found someone attractive both physically and mentally, I would sometimes dream up what they were really like. "Oh there's Joe Smith. He is so dreamy. He's in my art class and portrays things so well through his art work. I bet he's super sensitive and deep." When in reality, Joe Smith may have been a talented artist, but in his spare time he killed kittens and made bombs in his basement. Don't get me wrong, most of the men I dated /was interested in, in High School I will never forget. Especially those, I actually had dating relationships with. I believe they all shaped who I am today in some way, even if the relationships only lasted a few months. While all of these experiences were good, I still had never really experienced love. Or at least a love that was long lasting.

Late in my senior year of high school I was in a bit of a boy drought. All of the older boys I crushed over and was infatuated with had graduated and I had drawn out my day dreams on what the boys in my class may really be like. All but one that is. My first REAL relationship was with my best friend. He and I had "gone out" in grade school, but ever since then I was the girl he came to to talk to about his girl problems. The man was a serial monogamist. He was always in a relationship of some sort, while I was fantasizing about what all of my crushes were like from a distance. Towards the end of the school year, an extremely intense feeling came over me. Every time he walked into English class, my stomach would flip and as soon as the bell rang for dismissal I would crave the next time we would be sitting by each other again. WHAAAAAATT? My best friend? The guy that I already knew so much about? But, there wasn't anything to imagine about him!?!?!?!? Our relationship continued for just over a year and a half. I remember feeling so intensely for him. I had no doubt in my mind that we would some day be in marital bliss. Then.....life happened. I was in college and hadn't even seen the world yet. This was my first real relationship, but so much of who I was needed to be discovered.

Over the next ten months, I did some serious college time. I was overly social, meeting new people everyday and searching religiously for something that was missing in my life. After about ten months went by, I came across a group of people who would change my life significantly. In this group was a guy with the most gorgeous straight, white teeth, long shaggy blonde hair and a red beard. His eyes sparkled blue and he wore plaid like it was his job.....totally my type. I remember knowing the minute we met that we would be together. We met at the end of his freshman year and my sophomore year, so we didn't set up any dates for that year because we were going home for summer. However, I knew the whole summer at home that has soon as we got back to school, it was on. Like clockwork, we met up early that September before school started at the OSU vs. Texas game and started dating the next week when we moved into our individual apartments across from one another. I even ended the relationship two months in because I didn't think he was ready for a relationship, but the whole time I was giving him the "its not you, its me" speech, I was very calm. The calm came from the fact that I knew we were going to get back together.

Now, I know this sounds weird, corny, etc. and I don't think this is necessarily how it happens for everyone. In fact, I think for some people it takes years before they realize someone is "the one." Also, I am not sure that there is only "one" for everyone. All I know is, from the time I have met Dave....it's just always been DAAAAVE. The best part is, it was just so certain. It was a realization that I was so calm and happy about. Not one that I would lose sleep over or feel anxious about.

Here is where the TRUTH part comes in. I am ready to "cut the bullshit." I have noticed since Dave and I have been together and especially since we have been engaged that many other women are doing exactly what I have done for most of my life: glamorizing the situation."You guys are so PERFECT," "Look at their engagement pictures, I bet they never have problems," "why can't my life be like that?," or my favorite...."when is it my turn?". Well ladies (and gents), I am here to bring you back down to earth. YES, Dave is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. YES, I now know that he is who I want to spend the rest of my days with. HOWEVER, neither of us are perfect. In fact, we are both bat shit crazy. We have now been together for almost six years and have gone through every stage of a relationship: infatuation, like, love, intense love, annoyance, doubt, dislike, resentment, depression, anxiety,falling back in love, more doubt, acceptance...... the list goes on and on. I have learned through my relationship with Dave the truth: relationships are A LOT of work. I know we always hear our parents say that, but I never knew to what extent.

One of my biggest beefs with the women who have gone before me is: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? Why didn't you tell me that I would sometimes be attracted to other men? Yes ladies and gents, the crushes DO continue. Why didn't you tell me I may have moments of doubt about my relationship? I am sorry, but all those women who have been with a man for over five years and have claimed they have never found another man attractive, doubted their relationship or had a complete freak out are lying, lying through their teeth. The truth is, when you find true love it is real...as in real life. Sometimes one of you is down so low and the other is euphoric. Sometimes, you are so annoyed by the smallest thing that the other person does you think you might pull your hair out. SOMETIMES, you are attracted to other men/women and wonder what life would be like if you were with the other person. Don't let these thoughts scare you. Finding "the one," doesn't mean these thoughts stop happening, it just means that they happen and you still decide to choose that person you are with everyday. Everyday I wake up, I choose Dave. I choose Dave because his mind is so open. I choose Dave because he tells old man jokes. I choose Dave because he knows what I am going to do sometimes before I even do it. I choose Dave because I can be honest with him if I have a crush on someone else and he knows it's not a threat. I choose Dave because I know he is going to be the best husband and father for me and my future children. I choose Dave because he is my best friend and the love of my life.

You are hearing it from me. A real person, who has been in a real relationship. It is definitely NOT always glamorous, in fact sometimes it SUCKS. However, if you are willing to work at it the times of happiness will far out weigh any times of complete misery. (insert smiling winky face here followed by "JK.")

1 comment:

I loved reading this. :) I've been thinking about what it is about Wes that makes me feel like he is undoubtedly the one. And a large portion of it is that I don't have to worry if he loves me or not. He loves me for me. Including all the bad things. And I love him for him. I've never felt more free with someone.

I love you and Dave. :) And I love your blog.You inspired me to blog again. I'll think about it. ;)