So, my grandpa died. I'm really rather heart broken about it. Not just because he was a cool cat but my moms is just so distraught. I don't do well comforting people who are grieving. She's his only child and was particularly close to him. I have no idea of what to say or do. I'm consumed by my own grief that seems to be refreshed when I think of how she must feel. I got the call at work about three hours ago. The pain of a grandchild is different to that of a child but love is love and the pain in my heart is acute.

He was really old though, 96, I think and dude had all his teeth and pretty good eye sight. He looked almost oriental and I am told I look just like him. He was a gentleman, not in the way everyone is nice when they die because we're too respectful to tell the truth about how they really were, no, he really was. I was over indulged by my mother's parents. They called me Morenikeji (which mean, literally, I found a companion) which in may ways was what I was to them, when they saw me, which was not very often. I'd sit in with my grandpa and watch him watch people go by. He hummed ( a habit that I strangely picked up) all the time, spoke not too often. But dude loved me for real. Like, in a palpable way, as children, we do not recognise these things but when I look back, I can see it so very clearly. I won't be there for his funeral, he died earlier today, he was a Muslim which means they might have buried him by now. But I feel so sad for moms, she spoke of her father so lovingly. I have just one grand parent left now. I don't even want to think about how she feels. They were together for 50+ years. It's crazy.

This is a ramble, I know. I wrote it to feel better. I dunno that I have a right to feel the way I do. I was so far from the perfect grandchild.

Today has been a weird day. Started off on a low, then a I got the best high and now this. I will go into the high another time, it does not seem appropriate to write about it right now.