Damian’s Deconstructive Diatribe, 8/16/2006

Buon giorno!No, I’m not going back to Italy – although I feel the need to seek revenge against that country from my last trip there – I simply felt like sprinkling some garlic-flavored culture on y’all’s country asses.

I just said “y’all’s”, and I called YOU country. I should slap the mirror for that 1/2 cup of fucktardicity (fuk-tar-DIS-i-tee).

Mad props to all of you who gave me…well…mad props on my last post. Sometimes I feel like I talk about my band TOO much — then I remember it’s my blog, and I can do that, if I want to. Like the great philospher Phife of A Tribe Called Quest once said, “If I don’t say I’m the best, tell me who the hell will.” I’ll keep talking about us until we’re famous, and then I’ll complain about that.

OK, now I’m just rambling. Damn ADD. By the way, I had a treat Friday night – french fries covered in crumbled bacon, which I dipped in ranch dressing. Check it out:

If only they served Tang.

On with the diatribe.

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ATHENS, Ga. – Although it’s reasonable to be upset if someone cuts in front of you in line, it’s not reasonable to run into that person (or people in this case) with your car. But that’s exactly what one McDonald’s customer did after two other customers cut in front of her in line. Police have been on the hunt for the woman who ran into Melinda Thomas and Linda Thomas with her car after a fight over who was next in line. The two were waiting at McDonalds to order breakfast when a cashier opened a new line and they went to it – not aware that it angered another customer who was also waiting to order. After yelling at them, the unidentified woman went to the parking lot and waited in her car. As the Thomases walked out, witnesses said the woman pulled out and sped toward the women, striking them with the side of her jeep. Neither woman was badly injured.

Let’s start with the names of the victims: Linda Thomas and MElinda Thomas. Those Athens folk, always innovative with the names. I’m assuming these two are mother and daughter or at the very least mother/sister and daughter/sister. I bet it took Mom 2 whole days to come up with the daughter’s name, in the meantime referring to the baby as “Welfare Check #4”. I diss Athens openly because that’s where the University of Georgia is, and they are one of my college’s most hated rivals. One year, we played them in their stadium, and as we (the marching band – shut up) were leaving, the Bulldog fans were throwing beer bottles at our heads – and the fuckers had won by 20 points! So yeah, R.E.M. and the B-52s come from there, but that’s pretty much the end Athens’ contribution to American society. Now: I like me some McDonald’s, people. The fries alone have made me drive many miles out of my way to get them. But the love affair MUST have boundaries. Seriously, who has time enough in the day to sit in the parking lot, waiting to run down two people who cut in line at Mickey D’s? They weren’t selling U2 tickets – they sell burgers! They don’t run out of the muhfuckas, because they get their food from an interdimensional portal where burgers are infinite. During the wait in the car, why didn’t Common Sense pay a quick visit to the woman? Oh, wait – he was in line behind her, waiting for his order. I TOLD you those fries were good.

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DECATUR, Ala. – Four neighbors were arrested and three sent to the hospital after an argument over a cigarette butt. Police said a guest visiting Bobby Joe Ray, threw a cigarette butt near the edge of Ray’s yard that landed near the fence of Ray’s neighbor, Michael Alan Bradford. This incident sparked a fight that several residents of the neighborhood said lasted all day. Eventually, Ray’s sister, Shirley, who lives across the street, fought with Bradford’s wife, Heather, and the men joined in. At least three of the members of the fight had to be sent to the hospital for treatment of injuries, and all four were arrested and later released on bond.

And here’s Stop #2 on our tour of the Deep South. First clue something’s askew – the main guy has three names. Bobby Joe Ray. People, let me tell you now – if you give your child three names, he will commit a crime. He will. It’s a bit different for girls, but for boys? Forget it. Destined for felonies. Fights like this happen a lot in the south. When it’s hot outside, dumb shit is in bloom like dandelions. You can’t walk to the store without tripping over a new sprout of dumb shit. You tell your friends, “Hey, did you see that dumb shit on the news yesterday?” “Oh, you should’ve SEEN all the dumb shit I saw downtown last night!” It’s everywhere. Think about this a second, folks – a cigarette butt initiated an all-day fight which ended in 3 people going to the hospital. Does that not sound like dumb shit to you? Look up crime statistics. Stranger-on-stranger crimes happen predominately in the north, and family/friend crimes occur mostly in the south. These family/friend crimes usually involve alcohol, guns, and low IQ’s, all staples of the southern regions. It’s ok – I’m southern, so I can say that. I bet Thanksgiving is gonna be a REAL treat for this family of fucktards. For God’s sake, don’t put that turkey leg on the wrong side of the table! Grandma might get a black eye.

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JERUSALEM (Reuters) – An Israeli woman’s breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel’s war with the Lebanese group, a hospital spokesman said Tuesday. Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old’s heart. “She was saved from death,” said a spokesman for Nahariya Hospital in northern Israel. The woman has been released from hospital.

Ladies. Breasts, particularly large, fake ones, are your friends. They can make you look better. They can improve your self esteem. They can save your life. If you’re lower than a C, go out right now for a consultation for implants. I’m serious. You just never know when you might need that extra protection. Say you’re at the ATM in the ‘hood. I’d question why you’re getting cash from a money machine in the ‘hood, but hey, let’s say there was this tight-ass dance club right nearby, and you needed cab fare or something. Anyway. Across the street, a drive-by is going down. You duck, but not before stray bullets find their way to you. Oh Em Gee, you’re hit, and you’re bleeding, and you never told that hot guy at the bar that you’re not wearing underwear, and who’s gonna feed Miffy, and…it’s not blood. Its NOT blood! It’s saline! Your double D’s took a bullet for you! They are your Secret Service agents! Holy shit! They are a real blessing, and not only will you get that one repaired, you’re going up in size. E’s will really keep you safe, ladies. Get them thangs. Save yourselves. And be proud. Show us fellas how well you’re protected. We want to see that you’re safe. We will appreciate that. Immensely.

Peace.

All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News, except the last one, which I got from Di, who got it from God knows where.

I lived in Louisiana for 6 years. When I first moved there at the age of 16 I swore I would never say ya’ll. Yeah, that lasted all of two months. I’ve been back in Illinois since ’92 and I still say it far more then I say you guys. Can’t help it rolls of the toungue so much easier.

#1 I agree with Laurie

#2 They’re asshats, that’s all there is to it.

#3 I already have natural double D’s, what do I do now? I don’t think they’ll protect as well as the fake ones.

Subject: Football The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had Scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, But he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then hethrew another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

I’ve got to get this guy!” coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!” “I don’t wantto talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son!” “Mother, I don’t think you understand,” pleads the son, “I’ve just won thegreatest sporting event in the world!” “No! Let me tell you,” his mother retorts. “at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, an I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!”

That bitch at mcD’s was HUNGRY and probably pregnant. I was jonesin’ for some Orange Chicken when i was preggers and nearly decapitated a woman ahead of me who kept hemming and hawing about her order. Never MIND that she was in LINE for 10 minutes prior to her turn and the MENU is up on a board! order and get the fuck outta my way.

Tragic about the cigarette butt and low IQs hurtin’ themselves like that, but damn that probably made some fun entertainment for the other neighbors.

DD I’ll see if I can make it to your show. I really want to come. I will be in town. However, why tease the audience with my real D’s when they will forever remained hidden to all who attempt to unlock their secrets? It’s really not fair. It’s too tempting. i know.

We need to make a citizen’s arrest here. Where’s the cheese police patrol? The cheese makes the bacon stick to the fries. The ranch dressing is a bonus.

Mc-Attempted MurderIf the chick had been on line when fries and other foods were available then I might be able to understand, but noooo – SHE WAS WAITING FOR THE NASTY BREAKFAST. Yuck on a croissant or a biscuit.

The Butt StoryI thought it was about 4 crackheads fighting over the last puff of a ciggie butt. Dqmn. Those folks are just stooooopid.

Jerusalem JugsJust another rude diatribe. My negative number bra sized boobs are beautiful AND they’re my friends. Power to the little titties!