Sunday, November 17, 2013

Throat Chlamydia

Eli: I feel so gross right now! You have to help me! What are we going to do?!

Val: So . . . wait. What?

Eli:Throat chlamydia, Val. I was just at the doctor and she told me about it.

Val: Um . . . Eli, what did you do in Mexico last week?

Eli: NOTHING. I just slept on the beach and visited my grandma. That's why it's so unfair if I got throat chlamydia down there.Val: Did the doctor actually tell you that's what you have?

Eli: Well, basically.

Val: What did she say, exactly.

30 Minutes Earlier

Doctor: So . . . to what do we owe this pleasure today?

Eli: Well, I've had a very sore throat for about two weeks now.

Doctor: Ok . . . is that it?

Eli: Yes.

Doctor: You really don't need to be naked for this, then.

Eli: WELL YOU SHOULD REALLY POST SIGNS SO IT ISN'T SO CONFUSING!

Doctor: Let me see inside your mouth.

Eli: Aaaahhhhhhhhhh.

Doctor: Ok. I think I know what it is. You have a certain bacterial infection. It's common. I'm going to give you something for it but if it doesn't clear up it might be something else. Like chlamydia.

Eli: Great. Wait. What now?

Doctor: Chlamydia.

Eli: Uh . . . haha . . . no. You must be confused. I have a sore throat.

Eli: Ooooooh. Maybe I misheard you. Are you saying the word "calamity?"

Doctor: Chlamydia.

Eli: California?

Doctor: Chlamydia.

Eli: Cataracts?

Doctor: Chla-my-di-a.

Eli: But how do you even get that in your throat?

Doctor: Well, if you've ever [CENSORED!!!].

Eli:WHAT?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!

Doctor: I'm just saying. You might want to get that checked out if this medicine doesn't clear things up. What are you doing?

Eli: I'm looking up "throat chlamydia" on my phone. WebMD.

Doctor: You know that you're with an actual doctor right now, right?

Eli: Shhhh! OHMYGOSH! According to WebMD, I totally have throat chlamydia! And maybe a neck cyst! And something called "yeast infection?"

End of Flashback

Val: Why did you get naked for that?

Eli: CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST FOCUS ON THE ISSUE HERE!

Val: Well it sounds like she never told you that you have throat chlamydia. And if you haven't done those things she referred to when she told you how someone gets it, then I really don't think you need to worry about it.

Eli: Ok. You're right. That makes me feel better. And just so you know, I really don't want a lot of people to know about this so please, let's just keep it between the two of us.

Val: I hadn't planned on telling an--

Eli: Oops. Gotta go. Kurt's calling on the other line.

Switch

Kurt: I just saw your Snapchat. Chlamydia?

Eli: Yes. Throat chlamydia. I'm just beside myself.

Kurt: Are you sure?

Eli: Only time will tell.

Kurt: You don't sound that concerned.

Eli: I know. I'm so brave.

Kurt: I really doubt you have throat chlamydia. I don't think you understand what chlamydia is.

Eli: Hey, Bob and Cathie are calling. I gotta go.

Switch

Cathie: Son, why did your sister just tell us that you think you have chlamydia?

Bob: Do you even know what chlamydia is?

Eli: YES! Why does everyone keep asking me that!?

Cathie: And just HOW do you know what it is, young man!?

Eli: Well the doctor told me.

Bob: A doctor told you that . . . you have chlamydia?

Eli: Well, no. But she told me what it is and now I feel like I have it.

Cathie: Oh brother. Son. One of these days I would like to have one phone call with you where you give us good news like, "I'm coming to get all of that crap out of your house that I won't let you throw away," or "I got someone pregnant and now you're going to have more grandbabies."

Eli: I gotta go. Jolyn's calling on the other line.

Switch

Jolyn: Just saw your Facebook status. First of all, you do not have chlamydia, Eli.

Eli: How do you know?

Jolyn: Do you even know how chlamydia is spread?

Eli: Well unfortunately the doctor told me today. So, yes.

Jolyn: Right. And you haven't done any of the things that would put you at risk for chlamydia. You don't even have the vocabulary to discuss those things. So you don't have chlamydia.

Eli: But what about when I put my mouth over the whole drinking fountain cover thing?

Jolyn: Ok. Well I think you should stop doing that. But not because of chlamydia. You can't get chlamydia that way.

I was talking to Tash about it, and she was saying throat chlamydia is a common occurrence in Russia, except it's called something else that I can't pronounce. Local legend said that one would get it if one told too many fibs, because the lies are poison to the throat. To cure it, you were supposed to be silent until the next full moon at which point you were to milk the oldest cow while singing in a falsetto voice.

She then told me the cure for real chlamydia. It's too graphic for this blog, but it involves blood letting from the armpit and earth worms. I'm shuddering just thinking about it.

I KNEW someone was going to go there! I swear, I'm an "avoid the doctor at all costs" type of person. Mostly because I don't understand insurance. This was not a normal sore throat, though. It had kept me awake all night for several days and by Saturday morning it had also developed into a terrible ear ache. I was getting desperate.

Clearly Eli's version of "keep this between the two of us" involves Snapchatting his roommate and posting about it on Facebook, talking to his sister(s) and Bob and Cathie, texting his friends and exposing thousands of strangers to the horrible reality that is throat chlamydia.

Sounds like my Grammy. Remind me to never tell Eli a secret and ask him to "keep it between the two of us."

So....If I Give You My Number Can I Be Added To Your List Of People You Text When Things Like This happen.....Also, I Don't Know Why The First Letter Of Every Word Is Capitalized. My Phone Started Doing It Of Its Own Free Will And Nothin I Do Makes It Stop.

I hate to scare you more, but did you know there is eye chlamydia too? It's called chlamydial conjunctivitis. It's not uncommon in babies - I just delivered a baby with it last week. Mom was infected and it got passed on to poor baby. Luckily it's pretty easily treated! Adults can get it too, but from... well, you know. :-p