Monthly Archives: June 2012

Johnny Depp has taken the controversial decision to portray president Bill Clinton as a weird little poof in Oliver Stone‘s upcoming biopic Clinton.

“I wanted to interpret Clinton through modern terminology,” explained the genius actor to Variety, “so I gave him a soppy walk and a Rastafarian drag costume. I’ll be portraying him slightly Goth, with eyeliner, and it’ll be a historical reinterpretation in that I’ll be bringing in an element of cross dressing.”

Hollywood director, Michael Bay, admits that even he finds it difficult to follow the plots of his own films.

Even during the filming of Transformers 3, there were moments where I lost it. I was like, whoa, what’s going on here? There was this shit flying over my head, like camera men on cranes and shit, and things blowing up, like the catering truck, and I just had to close my eyes and block my ears for long periods of the shoot.”

Bay also announced that his next film, Gone with the Wind 2, will employ the use of stop-motion animation.

Hollywood is rocked by scandal this morning as the UN reveals that cameras sold by Warner Brothers studios to the Saudi government have been used on a public hanging television show.

The cameras, a Powers Cameragraph No 6B 35mm and a Bell & Howell Eyemo 71-Q 35mm, were sold to the Saudis as part of a studio clear-out in 1997.

Warner Brothers insists that it was unaware as to how the cameras would be deployed.

“Warner Brothers is truly regretful that our outgoing stock has been used in this way,” states David Levenstein, Head of Studio Estates.

“We are categorically against public execution and the practice of hanging,” Levenstein explains. “But once a unit of outgoing equipment is sold, we cannot regulate how that equipment is going to be used.”

“We have no way of ensuring that one of our old cameras will not be used for a public hanging television programme, just as we cannot guarantee that a piece of sound equipment we buy from a rival studio will not be used on an Adam Sandler movie.

The Saudi show, known as إصطاد عصفورين بحجر واحد (Kill) and shown on Al Madj TV channel, came to light when it executed its first international ‘contestant’.

Adrian Chiles – before he was dead

Adrian Chiles was a British television presenter known for hosting soccer broadcasts in the UK.

Chiles was in the Ukraine, covering the Euro 2012 soccer championships, when he was selected for public execution by the Saudi show.

Those who knew Chiles from his television broadcasts, have speculated that the reason for Chiles’s execution had something to do with his face.

Chiles was an exceptionally ugly man, and was made even more unbearable by a simpering tone of voice and the tendency to interrupt others.

“He really was a repulsive guy,” commented David Levenstein at Warner Bros. “Off the record, just looking at him, you knew something was going to happen.”

Ex UN Secretary General Kofi Annan tried to add perspective to the tragedy:

“When I was Secretary General, we told the Saudi Arabia government that we were against this show,” Annan assured journalists this morning.

“But you can understand why they did it. He really was an ugly guy. A very ugly guy. He had the face of a slippery toad.”

Chiles apparently thought his abduction, and subsequent transport to a scaffold in Riyadh, to be a practical joke staged by a guest on the Euro 2012 broadcasts, Roy Keane.

Chiles had played a series of practical jokes on Keane during the coverage of the soccer competition, including the placing of a ‘whoopie-cushion’ on the guest’s chair so that it seemed that Keane had broken wind during live broadcast.

A producer from Al Madj TV, Gafar al-Ghamdi, had this to say about the abduction:

“We take the Chiles from hotel in Kiev. He start laughing straight away. We take him to airport. On plane he cannot stop laughing. He say ‘Roy put you up to this. Where Roy?’ We arrive Riyadh and put the Chiles in taxi. He cry with laughter now. He hold he stomach. We put bag over he head and he say he love it. The crowds in the square cheer when they see the Chiles. He still have bag over head but he waving, he laughing. We get the rope. He saying ‘Hi everybody. Hi everybody. It’s me Adrian Chiles. I’m Adrian Chiles, I’m going to kill that Roy Keane.’ Then we release him. The crowd cheer. Ratings beat all records.”

Hollywood was left stunned today after George Lucas revealed that the original Star Wars movie was never actually made.

The 1977 science fiction epic was “never written, never filmed, and never released” according to Lucas, whose non-existent work on the film earned a Best Director nomination at the following year’s Academy Awards.

The social psychological force is strong with this one

Lucas makes the extraordinary claim in an interview with Italian broadcaster RAI to be shown next week. The Oscar-nominated director also reveals that he has “never even met” several stars of the film, including Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill.

“It was just an absolutely monumental case of ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes'”, revealed Lucas. “We released a few airbrushed photographs to the media in advance of ‘release’, and we got a couple of fake reviews in a few newspapers and it just kind of snowballed from there. After that, no one wanted to admit that they hadn’t seen this huge cultural event that everyone was talking about.”

When challenged by interviewer Andrea Donatelli, who claimed to have seen the film twice at the theater and to be in possession of VHS and Blu-Ray versions, Lucas argued there were “hundreds of millions” around the world with similar “delusions”.

“People started to believe they had actually seen it. I mean, why wouldn’t they? They had seen all these images, played with the action figures, and everyone around them just kept talking about how great this movie was.

“It’s basic social psychology – you weren’t anybody if you hadn’t seen it and people started to think that those doubts about whether they had seen it were all in their minds. You had all these little isolated images and things in your head and the logical thing was, well hey these are memories and you must have watched this movie.

“The thing that always really kind of blows my mind is that none of them, not one, has ever seen Star Wars, or knows the story, because it doesn’t exist.”

If anyone asks, you saw this movie called Star Wars, see, and you thought it was really great, GOT IT?

When asked to explain how Star Wars had managed to gross nearly $800 million worldwide without ever being shown, Lucas repeated “Dustin Hoffman” several times, but refused to be drawn on specifics.

If proven, Lucas’ claims could undermine the psychological security of much of world civilization. In unedited recordings of the interview seen by Movie-Rumors, Donatelli breaks down in confusion several times, apparently questioning the validity of a number of childhood memories fundamental to her personality, and at one stage even has to pause the interview so she can stab herself with a sharp object in order to verify that she is not, in fact, dreaming.

Lucas claims to have come clean on Star Wars now as he wishes to co-publish with Harrison Ford an academic article summarizing the experiment. He then intends on applying for a job in the psychology department at the prestigious University of Hertfordshire in England.

“If we can get it in a good journal, that will give me a REF-able publication,” said the 68-year-old excitedly, in reference to the British Research Excellence Framework, an important measure of academic stature in England. “Now all I need is some teaching experience and I think I tick all the boxes.”

A lawsuit has been filed by a Californian medical professor alleging that Johnny Depp and the Hollywood Palladium are responsible for aggressively removing her from the venue.

According to legal papers (available in full here), the woman, who would not reveal her name for fear of damaging her career, was at the Hollywood Palladium with her husband to watch a performance by Iggy and the Stooges.

Because she suffers from back problems and walks with a cane, she had to purchase VIP tickets to obtain proper access to the venue: and it was here that she encountered Depp.

It is alleged that Depp proceeded to grab her and take her phone, and in the process dragged her across the VIP area so that “her clothes became dishevelled and her shoes fell off.”

After the confrontation, Depp is said to have approached the woman again, this time handcuffing her and forcibly removing her from the venue. As she was dragged out, the lawsuit alleges, her “pants were removed… exposing her buttocks to the other Hollywood Palladium theatre patrons.”

Depp is accused of ignoring the woman’s pleas for him to stop his attack.

The incident is said to have aggravated her disability, caused injuries including a dislocated elbow and “outrageous humiliation.”

We are still waiting for a response from the Depp and Hollywood Palladium reps.

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