Friday, January 30, 2009

Last night as I drove home from work, I attempted to do my normal phone call to give A. the heads up to start dinner. There was no answer.

So I called again,

and again,

and again,

and no answer. I have an extremely overactive imagination so I started fearing the worst.

They were going to go sledding, what if someone got hurt and they are at the hospital and he lost his phone in the haste of getting to the hospital and I wonder if I would be able to get a police escort to get to the hospital and I shouldn't have said I regretted teaching my child to speak and I should be a better mother...you get the picture.

As I pull into the sub-division, I notice that the lights in the house are on and this has been created in my front yard...

a giant snow Wall-E

After being grateful that no one was in a horrible accident, I immediately admired how the family had selected stair banisters for his arms.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I think we live in one of the only places in the mid-west that has not enjoyed snow this season. I grew up in this area and always remember having snow in the winter, but that stinkin' global warming has really cut us off from that in recent years. So, when we got our snow this week, I took advantage of it by taking a day off from work.

The first day, we only had about 3 inches in the front yard to enjoy. A. and I took turns pulling the kids on their sleds. Baby Bear, who is definitely been sent to motivate me on my weight loss journey, asked me to get on the sled so he could pull me. Knowing that he would have some commentary, I hesitated but decided to give it a shot.

BB: Mommy, let me pull you.Me: K, you sure?BB: Yup!Me: Okay, show me your muscles!BB: (Pulling)BB: (Tugging)BB: (Looks to the sky and I knew it was coming) Dear Jesus, I'm not going to be able to pull this thing. The End.Me: (wondering why we taught the children to talk)

I was also able to get a couple of cute pics. This first one is of Baby Bear two years ago.

Princess Moo (who absolutely fell to the ground crying when A. hit her with a snow ball, but had no issue pelting us)

Right before we went outside to play, everyone had to take a nap including A., who tends to like to sleep a good hour longer than the rest of us. When I asked, Mooka if he was awake yet, she responded with this...

Moo: He's not awake. I put him under a sleeping spell.Me: Can you undo that spell?Moo: Nope, you have to go kiss him.Me: (Glare)Moo: Um, maybe not. How about if you just touch him with your finger.Me: Done!

I'm pretty sure this will be it for the snow this season, but it was fun while it lasted.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Tonight it was Baby Bear's night to pray before dinner, which is always interesting because he usually says exactly what's on his mind. He's been known to ask for the dog to find a new house and for his sister to quit acting crazy. And considering he's got Jesus on speed dial, I always try to be on my best behavior when I'm around him.

BabyBear: Dear Jesus, Please help Mommy to exercise and watch TV. And thanks for the food. The End.

Me: (GLARING at A.) Don't say a word. Not one word.

It may help to note, that I'm on a get healthy crusade this year and determined to get rid of the "baby weight" once and for all. I've been spending a lot more time on the treadmill when the kids are around.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

When we weren't vandalizing the hotel, we did actually get to enjoy some of Branson. Some of the highlights included...

Mooka on the water slide. She is a carbon copy of her father when it comes to being a dare devil. Baby Bear was just a hair too short to try. After discovering this, he looks at me with those big brown eyes and says, "Mommy, I'm just a little guy. I can stay with you."

My little guy...

The actual water park...

We did a little shopping...

And perhaps the highlight of the trip...

What? Why is there a picture of a phone? Well, because the kids were FASCINATED with it. After a couple of hours of them continually walking by and dialing the front desk (I think I mentioned last time, we won't be invited back) it dawned on us that our kids had never seen a phone with a cord before. Don't you feel so old? We don't have a land line at our house and the only people that will allow us in their homes to visit only have cordless phones. It was by far the coolest thing they saw in Branson. Way better than Montana Mikes, that horrible restaurant that gave my entire family the bird flu.

Monday, January 19, 2009

We aren’t a family that travels. Someday maybe, but now just is not the right time. This is largely influenced by what I have experienced when we do simple things like grocery shop, go to restaurants or the mall.

This past weekend, we decided to throw common sense out the window and go for a family get away to Branson, MO. Branson is largely targeted towards older, country lovin’, Bible totin’, American made adults. The town is packed during the summers, but tends to be a ghost town this time of year. Perfect for a visit from the caravan of crazy.

Our first night, we ate at a restaurant with the absolute worst food I have ever had in my entire life (that includes some of my own personal kitchen disasters). That really set the tone for the evening.

We got to our hotel and had promised the kids they could go swimming. As I was in the bathroom getting ready, I hear a shout from outside the door – “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.” This is not an uncommon phrase for a mom to hear, so I did not see any reason to stop assessing the damage having two kids and eating like a front lineman has done to my body admiring my swimsuit model appearance in the mirror. But note – it was not more than 60 seconds later when I opened the door to what appeared to be green baby food on the floor and a sassy mouthed 5 year old “See, I told you I had to go.”

Are you kidding me? You pooped on the floor?! Who does that?!

And it only got better…

After swimming, we were getting changed and Baby Bear kept asking for a cup of juice. Again, a very common request in our house, so no need to rush. And out of no where, fruit juice, mac-n-cheese and mini corn dogs came spewing out of his little belly, (coincidentally, in the exact spot where the green turd surprise had been dropped off an hour earlier.)

We had picked our sleeping partners during the drive down, and Baby Bear had elected to sleep in my bed. Up until, the puking started, I had been happy with this arrangement. He continued to throw up two more times during the night, resulting in a couple calls down to the front desk for fresh linens.

Add the Branson Marriott to the list of places we can never visit again.

The next day, everyone appeared to be back to normal so we spent the day site seeing and then checked into the water park hotel in the late afternoon. The water park was mediocre at best, but the kids had the best time playing.

That night, I awoke to what I thought smelled like dog poo, but we had not brought any pets with us. I roll over to check on Baby Bear and got a hand full of poo.

Add the Branson Grand Country Inn to the list of places we can never visit again.

Lesson learned: There is no place like home and we will not be booking that trip to Disney any time soon.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

As a parent, one of the rules that I have always tried to enforce is limiting television time. When Mooka was born, I insisted that she would not be exposed to tv until she was at least two years old. While I was pregnant with her I read Einstein Never Used Flashcards and got completely turned off to the whole Baby Einstein concept. Granted, by the time Baby Bear came along, I had lightened up quite a bit (I also would just lick off his nuk when it fell on the floor before placing it back in his mouth *shudder*). Overall, I still remain pretty committed to limiting tv time.

That is unless it’s Tuesday night during my reality show blitz.

(or on long car rides)

Tuesdays are The Biggest Loser and American Idol night. They also happen to be A.’s night to play basketball at the church which means I am on solo mommy duty. So after letting them cut, paste, color and paint all over daddy’s fantasy football magazines, we head to the basement for mommy to multi-task.

I get them set up with their toys. I learned a trick from a friend a long time ago that if you take away toys and store them in rubber totes so they are not always accessible, it’s kind of like Christmas when you bring them out. The novelty of the “new” toys, usually buys me a solid 20 minutes of uninterrupted time while I use the treadmill. And yes, all the while I continue to flip back and forth between my two reality addictions.

After they get bored and decide to start launching toys off the back of the treadmill, I am usually ready to make the sprint up to the bedrooms to start the bedtime process. While they take their baths, I score another 20 minutes quasi uninterrupted.

Depending on the planets alignment, I will then either get lucky and be able to get them into bed or they get to watch tv with me.

(I am a horrible mother)

Last night, during my reality marathon, I lost the battle decided to bring them into the bed with me to watch the last half hour. They both got to watch the horrible elimination where poor grandpa Jerry got sent home while that lazy Joelle got to stay. As we were watching, Mooka looks at me and says “my heart is breaking for that old man, give me a hug.”

(repeat - I am a horrible mother)

I am hoping that it has more to do with the fact that she had 5 immunization shots earlier in the afternoon and not that she was wrapped up in the show. If it’s the latter, just add tivo to my Christmas wish list for next year.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

A friend of mine is a PE teacher at a local high school. Part of her job is teaching the sex-ed course. Talking with her on New Year's Eve got me to thinking that I should become a spokesperson against teen pregnancy because there are just some things that classes and books do not prepare you for.

You will never know sleep again. The books talk about the first few months. It doesn’t stop there. Kids don’t understand the concept of sleeping in. And just when you think they are old enough to just sit and quietly watch television while you get just 30 minutes more, you wake up to find your white kitchen cabinets have become the canvas for their latest Sharpie masterpiece.

You know how you like to just “run into the store to pick up something”? You are better off to just grow, make, sew, or harvest it in your own backyard. It’s a lot less stressful and will probably save you time.

If you have a favorite outfit, you will have to put it in a shadow box to admire it. As soon as you wear it, someone will pee, blow snot, throw up, make a poo or take a Sharpie to it. Not that you will be dressing up and going anywhere nice for the first 5 years.

You will pee your pants. All. The. Time. After giving birth to two 9 lb. children, I have learned that I cannot laugh, sneeze, cough, throw up, jump on a trampoline, do a jumping jack, do a sit up, yawn, stand up too quickly, or a variety of otherwise innocent everyday tasks without peeing my pants. And if you do have the good fortune of going out for drinks with a friend, save yourself the embarrassment and just go ahead and put the poise pad in before you leave the house (p.s. you’re days of wearing thongs will also become a distant memory – pantie lines are the new black.)

At some point, you’re perfectly highlighted-Chi-ironed hair will end up with poo in it. There’s really no way to predict this one, but it will happen most likely when you are out in public.

And lastly, I would leave them with this two word surprise – mucus plug.

Sometimes I'm thankful to have children simply for the amusement that they bring me. In the past week, I have had the pleasure of hearing the following in our home:

"Fire in the hole!" - Shouted from Baby Bear to me as I was in the kitchen burning cooking breakfast for the family.

"But I didn't use my hands" - Baby Bear after returning from the bathroom and responding to A.'s question "Did you wash." He's become quite the Commode Houdini. If you come to my house to visit, I don't recommend you actually sit on the toilet.

"But it's not big right now." - This is a pretty common Baby Bear response to me telling him to go to the bathroom in the morning.

"I need to get me some boobies." - Mooka's response to me asking why she was trying on my bras.

I'm sure I'm forgetting more of them. I'll have to start writing them down as they happen.