Friday, July 15, 2011

Summer Solstice

"Close your eyes and follow God." [Fenelon]

One day, several weeks ago, I was convinced that a relationship with Jeff would never work. And the next day, God broke through all that and put him in my heart, and everything changed. My hollow reasons turned into a yes of sweet self-suicide. I realized this wasn't as much about Jeff as it was about the tight grip I had on my life.

That day, as the Holy Spirit made His way past my senses, as He unlocked my fearful heart and reminded me who I am, and as He whispered His promises to me, I became compelled to put away my sight, not taking into account what I do or don't see with my natural eyes. I made a decision that I wouldn't be ruled by my own preferences or passing feelings, reaping the bitterness of my own appetite. I'd be giving myself too much credit by saying I just made up my mind to say yes, because my heart change was simply a work of the Holy Spirit - it was a work that was born of pure faith and a sovereign gift from God. I know this.

"...she received a special assurance from God. What God did in this case made it perfectly plain that His purpose is not a hit-or-miss thing dependent on what we do or don't do, but a sure thing determined by His decision, flowing steadily from his initiative." [Romans 9:11,12]

So it suddenly all became very simple: let go of the life I think is mine, reject fear, embrace His wild plan for me and hang on for the ride. And say yes to Jeff.

"But God is greater than our hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves." [1 John 3:18]

I'll spare you the details, except to say this: I'm thrilled to be on this journey with my dear friend Jeffrey. I respect and trust him. I love to be with him, and when I'm not with him, I miss him. He's kind and thoughful. He's full of strength and conviction and depth. He makes me laugh so hard. He's a maze of brilliance. He adds so much value to my life. And he's given me a place my heart can safely land.

"Full of peace and safety, adventure wasn't missing. It pulled through every fiber forming the rugged hills and delicate wildflowers. It existed as an integral part of the peace, and now I could identify it. God's spirit made me safe on the cliffhanging adventure of growing close to the Maker of the universe, the ultimate hand holding my small life." [Perpetua]