"I get no respect!" After watching Scary Movie 5 I felt like the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield. This unnecessary new chapter in the parody franchise is an insultingly bad cash grab that treats its audience with nothing but contempt. Scary Movie 5, directed by low-impact comedy veteran Malcolm D. Lee (Undercover Brother), knows it isn't funny and doesn't care. Earlier films weren't exactly comedy gold, but at least they had Anna Faris and put in slightly more effort than simply re-enacting scenes from random movies like some lowbrow Gus Van Sant Psycho homage. The funniest scene is the decidedly lame opening with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. I'll never get these 88 minutes of my life back.

The original Scary Movie was released in 2000 and poked fun at the horror film craze sparked by Scream in 1996. The first two films came from the Wayans brothers (Keenen Ivory, Shawn and Marlon), while the third and fourth films were directed by David Zucker of Airplane! fame. Although the later films increasingly expanded their scope from horror movies to anything pop culture-related, star Anna Faris was a consistent presence across the series. In previous films, the lame dick and fart humor was occasionally offset by sharp parody, particularly in the first movie. Unfortunately, Scary Movie 5 is a boatload of unfunny, undeveloped "comedy" that should have never received a theatrical release. The movie made far less than any other Scary Movie, which makes me feel a little better inside, but its worldwide box office total of $75 million on a $20-million budget won't completely kill the chances of a sequel. Damn.

I apologize for not yet discussing anything specific about Scary Movie 5. It's so bad there's not much to say. Comedic timing? Absent. Talented actors? Also not appearing on screen. After the opening scene, in which Sheen and Lohan have exaggerated sex while some Parnormal Activity rocks the house, Scary Movie 5 puts leads Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex through a series of degrading gags set up by simply rehashing scenes from a bunch of unrelated movies, half of which are neither scary nor ripe for parody. I'm going to try a bulleted approach when describing the films parodied:

Evil Dead - I guess the filmmakers saw the trailer for this year's surprisingly good Evil Dead remake while filming this comedic abortion. Since Scary Movie 5 came out in theaters a week after Evil Dead they obviously hadn't seen that film before shooting stupid gags with Modern Family's Sarah Hyland as the possessed girl.

Mama - Seriously?! Half the plot of Scary Movie 5 is based on this year's forgettable Guillermo Del Toro-produced thriller? Tisdale and Rex adopt Sheen's kids, who have an imaginary mother and act like feral animals. Hilarious.

Black Swan - Did the filmmakers somehow confuse the audience for this film with that of Darren Aronofsky's gothic thriller? If you ever wanted to see Heather Locklear give birth while dancing ballet or Molly Shannon stumble around on crutches then Scary Movie 5 is the movie for you.

There are a few other movies parodied, but, honestly, who cares? Among the talent that should be thoroughly embarrassed for having appeared in this film are all the aforementioned actors plus Snoop Dogg/Lion, Usher, Jerry O'Connell, Bow Wow, Terry Crews, etc., etc. Generally, I like to be kissed before I get screwed, and the only thing Scary Movie 5 wants you to kiss is its ass. What a steaming pile of garbage. I'm done here.

THE BLU-RAY:

PICTURE:

The 1.78:1/1080p/AVC-encoded transfer looks expectedly fine for a new release. There is plenty of detail and texture, colors are nicely saturated and black levels are solid. There's no edge enhancement or shimmering.

SOUND:

The 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio soundtrack supports all the gags with decent surround action and LFE oomph. Dialogue is clear and the music is sufficiently weighty. There's also a French 5.1 Dolby Digital mix and English SDH and Spanish subtitles to burn your eyes out with.

PACKAGING AND EXTRAS:

Anchor Bay has kindly included three ways to watch this piece of crap. There's the Blu-ray, a DVD copy of the film and an UltraViolet digital copy. The discs and insert are packed in a standard Blu-ray case. The only bonus feature (thank GOD!) is a string of Deleted and Extended Scenes (9:51/HD) that should have been joined by the rest of the film.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Sorry for being so glib. I don't normally write such flippant reviews, but Scary Movie 5 really doesn't deserve any more of my time or yours. The franchise is long past its expiration date, and this film knows it. There's something downright offensive about a "comedy" that doesn't care if its audience laughs. Run away!.

William lives in Raleigh, North Carolina, and looks forward to a Friday-afternoon matinee.