Where Have I Been?

Here, there and everywhere. At least that’s how it feels. I have felt nutty the last couple of weeks. We ran to Michigan the 16th to take our girls to Cousin’s Camp, and to deliver Pally’s birthday present. She’s been asking for a goldfish for two years, and we finally caved. We got her a starter kit for 2 goldfish. If it goes well, we’ll probably end up with a big ol’ tank, I enjoy having fish, and haven’t had any since college. We are coming down to the wire of our girls being in Michigan for the whole month of July, and I can’t hardly wait. I miss my babies. My house is so quiet. They will only be home a couple of weeks before school starts. We start in mid-August here. Our school district divides elementary school into two segments, but not into your traditional elementary & middle school set up. We have the primary school (pre-K through 4th) and then the elementary school (5th-8th). Both of my girls will be in the elementary school this year. I can’t drop my old school thought process, I still call it middle school. I’m not sure how much I actually realize this, or if it will sink in a few weeks into the school year and I’ll flip out. It is just going to push home that my girls are growing up.

On another note, I feel like I’ve turned into a gym rat. I’ve been spending 8 hours a week at the gym. I’m going Monday-Friday. That ends up being 5 hours of cardio a week and 3 hours of strength training. I’m seeing some changes already, but they are odd little things. First, my cankles have shrunk. I actually look like I have ankles. Second, parts of my arms and shoulders are changing. It’s nothing that anyone else (except the Hubby) would really notice. Because I was so deconditioned, it will take a while for weight loss to be noticed, since I am most likely building and conditioning my muscles. And we all know that muscle weighs more than fat. Hopefully in the not too distant future, I’ll start seeing the pounds come off. I’ve had losses, but they’ve all been small, and for now I am okay with that.

But the thing that has kept me away the most is the fact that the predominate thing on my mind is something that I haven’t been sure if or how I wanted to discuss. I have been so frustrated. So angry. So hurt. I so want to wash my hands of the situation, of the people involved, of the stress, of the emotions pulling me in so many directions related to this, the guilt of actually making the decision I believe I need to make. I’m torn. How do I know, ultimately, what the right step to make is? Maybe I should call Dr. Phil. Maybe he can sort it all out. Or Dear Abby or Ann Landers…. Really, what I’d like to do is get in someone’s face and scream at them. Full on, finger wagging under the nose, rage. For now, I’ll just have to continue to think about it, discuss it with the Hubby, and possibly a few other people who are involved. It will definitely change how I interact with some folks, if I continue to interact with them at all.