lately

Just read an article and realized that my tension headaches and worsening medical conditions are symptoms of the rape. Also the restlessness and memory issues are signs of ptsd yay me. The nightmares are also fun …not. *sigh* the rapists says they’re sorry and then says it wasn’t rape, like what. I’m always tired and I can’t eat properly. I have the worst appetite I have to force myself to eat now. Been doing research on rape all night how they think how we react and think and I fell asleep but not for long. Insomnia. Taking my prozac and I have my plethora of other medicine’s as well. Only prozac is daily the others are as needed. Idk what my exam will show next week. Won’t even know right away so have to be patient and just wait it out. One of the articles said that women tend to feel sorry for the rapist and want therapy for them and that we may have a very hard time getting over it if the attacker is someone we know. check and check. I swear I may never trust a man or a woman for that matter ever again. Yes I thought why me. I analyzed it and analyzed it and it was because I was the logical choice alone no dog no alarm system docile. Won’t make those mistakes again …ever. The article also said that they plan the attack, well he certainly did. The first time the people at my house were the only thing that stopped him. Article also says there’ll be a sense of feeling silly for not noticing negative traits and actions of the rapist, well check again. He gave signs, alot of signs not very in your face rapist signs but signs of not knowing his boundaries and of being a sociopath perhaps and not respecting women as well. Idk and Idk if I want to know either. I’m just sick of feeling scared and alone to deal with this. I want this to be over with, I want to go back and make it so that it never happened. I truly believe he would have hurt me if I’d said no to him. He went through too much to get in. He says oh you didn’t say no. How can I answer a question he never ever asked me in the first place. He never even brought it up he just started touching me sexually. What was I supposed to do a woman alone with a man in my own apartment at night, a man who climbed a tree, came into my balcony, and woke me up out my own bed in my own bedroom, and refused to leave even though he saw how scared I was. He says he didn’t notice my reaction. WTF do you mean you didn’t notice my reaction. I wonder if he even has any idea of how much damage he has caused in my life and the lives of others. So much damage because as he says he acted without caring about the consequences. My anxiety level just spiked to above a ten. Will log off for now feeling weepy and anxious and not good at all. Nauseous as well etc.. Maybe I will try to take a nap.