Posts Tagged ‘growing up’

Growing up without my father’s presence might have turned me into a nerd. Not having a stable paternal figure made me look to comics, and escapist TV shows to find my place in the world, which gave me all kinds of unrealistic expectations about the nature of reality.

By far, one of my favorite shows was the Ghost Busters. I loved it because it seemed to be more about people doing crazy and impossible things than about some dudes fighting the monster of the week. I watched the show whenever I could, and ran around the house pretending to be a Ghost Buster in training. In a way, the characters became my roll-models thanks to J. Michael Straczynski’s beautiful writing. He wrote about people, not cartoon characters. When I revisit some of the episodes he wrote, they still hold weight.

While I was trying to figure out my place in the scheme of things, my mother worked day and night to make sure that my brother and I could have a private Montessori education, and that we had activities like Kung-fu classes and regular trips to the public library. My mother believed that she had the duty to get us ready for life. Meanwhile, I kept on having dreams about the Ghost Busters. I’d wake up, only to realize that there was something missing from my life. The world kept on telling me that I needed a father. The looks of pity I got from my classmates confirmed this belief. One time, our teacher decided to treat us to a field trip to the mall, and I wanted money for the arcade. When I asked, my mom gave me the equivalent of a quarter. I held on to it as my classmates feed the Gauntlet machine with coin after coin. Finally, when I decided to play, I only lasted a few minutes. Then, we went to the food court, and everyone ordered burgers. I pulled out a sandwich from a paper bag my mother had put together for me. She was never a great cook so I wasn’t really looking forward to the meal. I remember sneaking to the condiment section of the restaurant, and adding bacon bits, cheese, and other goodies. It tasted great. I don’t remember what I said about bringing my own food, and not having money, but I made stuff up. I lied all the time about my father being away on a business trip. My excuses were inventive, and rooted in shame.

The most memorable fight my mother and I had happened when I was held back a year. The shame of having to repeat 5th grade stayed with me for a long time, but I ended up becoming An excellent student by the time I made it to college. “Look,” my mother would say “I don’t care what you do with your life. l am doing my part by sending you to a good school. Just be the best at what you do. If you become a criminal or a priest just be a good one- Just do your best.”

And so for many years the feeling that something was missing haunted me, and the memories of my imaginary life as a Ghost Buster sorta guided my life. I loved the myth. I love science, and impossible stories, and ended up getting a masters in the technology field, and I love gadgets, and New York.

In my mid twenties, I got some of the GB toys I could never afford when l was a kid. They are still home then in the attic somewhere.

A few days ago, I found out that there was going to be a new Ghost Busters movie, and that it was going to have an all female cast. I was excited, and interested. I didn’t know why, and then it hit me. If I had seen this movie, I would have known that, although the original GB will all ways have a place in my heart, I didn’t really need a father figure as much as I thought I did. My mother did a good job by herself. I wish she hadn’t had to go at it alone, but nothing was missing. kids need loving parents. That’s all, so as I watch the movie, I am going to think about single parents doing the right thing for their kids, and I am going to know that no matter what their gender is, as long as they do their best for their children, they are enough. Thank you for all that you do.

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