4/25/07

Hot Fudge Sunday

This past weekend, me and the wife got a hankering for something bad. We both tend to eat pretty healthy, and as you all can attest, healthy=boring. With that in mind, we decided on complete decadence -- grilled ham and cheese on fresh Italian bread, with hot fudge sundaes for dessert. Since we had nothing to create these banana spits of our imagination, we stopped at a convenience store near the house.

Normally when I go into this place, I end up in line behind a half dozen truckers buying coffee and some lady who wants two hundred dollars worth of Lotto tickets. This time for some unknown reason, the place wasn't that busy.

I wandered over and picked up what I needed. Ice cream, of course, then hot fudge, crushed peanuts, bananas, pineapple and whipped cream. I carefully carried my stash up to the register and deposited it on the counter. The guy working the register was one of those cheerful cashiers who never shuts up, and obviously still lives in the basement at his mom's house.

The first thing he says is, "You know what would go perfect with this? A couple of our fresh-off-the-grill, all-beef hot dogs. They're 2 for $1.49. I shook my head and said, "No thanks. Just this." Hot dogs and ice cream really didn't sound like a great combination to me.

He rang my items up, chatting all the while. As he's bagging the sundae ingredients, he laughs heartily and says, "With all this stuff, I'll bet I know what you're having after dinner tonight!"

"Yeah," I replied. "Sex."

Apparently, he was easily embarrassed, because he turned a deep, tomato-red, and handed me my change without a word.

As I took the coins, I couldn't resist a parting shot. I leaned forward conspiratorally and added, "We use a LOT of food."

I think he cursed me though, because even with all those goodies, it didn't happen.

Now all I can think about is going back in there and buying a giant box of slim jims, some rope and a quart of motor oil just to see the look on his face.

With today's megastores in the US, it's so easy to pick up a random assortment of items that will confuse and embarrass the check out clerks (Lawn chair, Jergens lotion, tequila mix). My friends and I used to play a game at Wall Mart to see who could purchase the strangest combination of things. We would come out of the store and look at each others stuff. I confused them one night when I came out of the store apparently empty handed. It wasn't until I pulled out a layaway slip that I was declared the victor. I had put a single tire on layaway!

I'm thinking that the fact that you joked about the sex with the cashier is exactly why you didn't get it. Your wife was there, right? Man-what a cruel twist. It's like do you go for the laugh and risk not having sex using sundae toppings because your wife is not amused? Or do you pass up a chance to creep out an unassuming cashier to possibly have the freaky food sex? Life is full of hard choices.