4 Ways to Help Your Child Handle a Baby Crying

It’s hard for parents to deal with a baby crying. Now your older child has to as well. Here’s how to help your child handle a baby crying.

The weeks after I brought the twins home tested my patience. Sure, I was a second-time mom so I learned from my mistakes and knew the newborn madness would get easier.

Still, it took my older son a few weeks to adjust to his brothers, and a few more after that to adjust to their crying.

Welcoming a new baby—and all his crying glory—is hard enough for us parents. Now imagine your older child hearing his baby brother’s cries, over and over, day after day.

It’s enough to make you go bonkers.

How to help your child handle a baby crying

How can we help our older kids understand the shrill cries of their new baby sibling?

Explain that crying is the only way babies can “talk”

If only babies (and toddlers, for that matter) could communicate with words from day one. Instead, we’re left to decipher their needs based on their cries.

Young kids don’t always know this. They assume crying must mean something terrible has gone wrong. They hear the baby’s incessant wail and think the worst. And they even liken it to their own experiences with crying. To a young child’s mind, crying happens because something terrible did happen. (Even if all he cried about was because you didn’t roll up his sleeves. True story.)

We took a different tactic with our eldest. Whenever a baby would cry, we’d say, “Let’s see why he’s crying.” or “What do you think he’s trying to tell us?”

We’d continue to hold a conversation with the baby within earshot of our older kid. We’d say, “Oh, you were telling Mama you needed a diaper change, weren’t you?” And we’d tell our older child, “Babies can’t talk yet like you and me, not until they’re big boys and girls. So now the only way they can tell us anything is by crying. It doesn’t always mean they’re hurt or sad.”

We would also compare it to typical requests he would make. For instance, we’ll say, “You know how you let us know you’re hungry and want a snack? Sometimes the babies cry because they’re letting us know they’re hungry too.” He’ll see that crying isn’t always bad.

Yes, babies usually cry to express dissatisfaction—babies don’t cry because they’re happy. But crying isn’t always disastrous and could mean the baby is cold. Or they’re bored. Or over-stimulated. Or a slew of other reasons that aren’t as terrible as what their piercing cries would have us believe.

Of course sometimes they are upset—uncomfortable tummy aches, nausea, hunger, pain. The dreaded Witching Hour. But it’s good for our older kids to know that not all cries are equal. And that sometimes the baby is just letting us know he’s tired and wants to sleep.

Tell your child that babies won’t always cry like this

You’ve already been through the newborn phase at least once, so you know the drill. Babies won’t always cry this much. Even their actual cries will evolve as they grow from newborn to infant to toddler and beyond. So the endless crying? They’re not endless…

…Except to your older child, who may have no idea that babies grow, much less stop crying.

Easy enough for us as adults to understand the changing tides. We accept life’s hardships knowing they’ll peter out and become more bearable. As such, we can sometimes forget that our young kids may not know this. Heck, they think nine-year-olds are old.

So we explain to them that babies grow and will find new ways to communicate. They cry now because they don’t know how else to relay their needs, but in time they’ll learn to ask for food. They’ll crawl to us when they want company. They’ll smile and reciprocate our love.

Babies will also better acclimate to their new surroundings. We forget that they’ve been in our wombs and must now adjust to this foreign environment. Imagine uprooting yourself from the only life you know and adjust to a new place you’re not used to.

I’d cry too.

But with time and love, babies adjust. They’ll lean on routines and predictability to assuage any fears they may have. Things won’t be so foreign anymore. And they might even enjoy this new home of theirs. Crying won’t be so necessary.

Stay calm when your baby cries

How do you react when the baby cries? Do you drop everything and rush to her aid, even if she was only whimpering? Or do you take your time and finish what you were doing before checking in?

How you react can affect your older child’s anxieties about the baby’s crying. When she sees you calm and in control, she’ll mirror your emotions. She’ll trust that the baby’s cries don’t always mean something terrible is wrong.

Give it a few seconds before you jump in and rush to your baby. You can even ask your older child, “Looks like the baby is crying. What do you think she needs?” Invite her to help problem solve and help as a big sister.

Your child will learn to cope with the cries because she knows it doesn’t mean you’ll ignore her.

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Conclusion

Your older child may have been so excited to welcome her new baby sibling. You hoped so much she would take to being a big sister, but it’s not working. It tears your heart to see her upset when the baby cries, to regress and act like a baby herself, or to throw a tantrum. Makes you want to cry, too.

This is all normal. Kids don’t always understand that crying is the only way babies can talk. They don’t know that in time, the crying will die down in frequency and intensity.

But with your calm approach to crying, she may just mimic your demeanor and learn that crying isn’t all so bad. Especially when you share your attention with both of them.

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Comments

There was a lot of this in our house! Explaining that crying is how the baby talks was really helpful. I wish I had read #4 ages ago. Having that reminder would have come in handy many times when I lost my patience with my oldest.

I hear ya Lynn. Between a baby’s cries and a toddler’s demands, I tend to veer towards the baby, even though I don’t always have to. I think it’s because we can understand our toddler’s demands and complaints whereas we may not always know what the baby needs, so it’s so easy to rush to their aid first.

I do a lot of attachment parenting, so my kids don’t hear the babies cry much. Of course, I would have to learn an entirely new parenting style if I had twins! But, when the baby does cry, I do many of the things you listed here, and they have worked well for me – especially explaining that babies use crying to communicate.

I still only have one but am bookmarking this for later! I hadn’t thought about the need to choose which of your children you attend to first, but it certainly makes sense that as long as your newborn is safe and OK, you should probably go to your toddler first.

We were very lucky that our then-3-yr old accepted his baby sister very well. He asked why she cried and we told him that’s how she communicates. He seems to understand that very well and even goes to her side and does a funny dance to get her to stop crying (like when she’s bored in the highchair). I like your advice to think about how I react to my baby’s cries b/c that’s how the older one will react. Am I annoyed? Patient? I’d hope the latter on more occasions than the former.

Gosh, I remember those years! They only person crying around my house nowadays is my husband!! Occasionally, my dog will cry when she wants something and expects me to get up and give it to her. I stopped by to check out the bad-ass blogger at this locale! Enjoyed your post!!

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