Mr Trump is very fond of "alternative facts" and we ridicule and castigate him for it.

​But I've been wondering if his self-flattering fibs are so different from the air-brushed versions of our lives which we present on Facebook.

On Facebook we all lead perfect lives. On Facebook everyone’s life is packed with caring friends, doting parents, handsome lovers, adorable children and perfect pets. Everyone is talented and clever, and has a fascinating job. On Facebook everyone recycles, saves whales and rain forests, eats mountains of kale at the coolest restaurants, and goes on cycling tours of Outer Mongolia at the drop of a hat.

No one on Facebook is lonely, unemployed, in debt, or suffers from acne, low self-esteem or depression. Let's start telling the truth on Facebook ... I’ll go first:

FACEBOOK ALTERNATIVE FACTS 1In Auckland for ta holiday. Helped a friend buy a new dining-room table. Gleaming glass top, brushed-steel frame looks fabulous! Only seats 8 people so it’s a bit small for the lavish dinner parties she throws for our witty, intelligent and very rich friends. Luckily there’s heaps of space on the balcony for socialising. Wendy who writes for Recidivist Home Decor was a guest and loved table! OMG! Guess whose house is going to be featured in next issue of the mag?! My friend’s looking for a small dog for the photo-shoot. Must be very photogenic and colour must complement the furnishings. . THE TRUTHHelped a friend buy a new glass-top dining table to replace the one which cracked when she unthinkingly plonked a hot casserole dish on it. It finally caved in with a huge crash while we were in the other room watching something terrible on TV. Had a hell of a time getting the heavy, lethally sharp pieces of glass down her stairs. In desperation we threw the biggest hunk of glass off the balcony. It broke into a gazillion pieces so we spent the rest of the morning picking shards of glass out of the lawn. While we on the balcony we noticed how badly it slopes down at one end. Not sure why. Possibly sinking piles or bad carpentry. In any case, too costly to do anything about immediately so the balcony’s off limits for the foreseeable future.

FACEBOOK ALTERNATIVE FACTS 2My friend threw marvellous dinner party last night for a couple of fascinating newcomers to New Zealand. Love, love, love how cosmopolitan NZ is becoming! Brilliant conversation. New table a big hit. And everyone loved the pup she’s got on loan from breeder who specialises in photogenic dogs. See picture - isn’t he adorable? Not keeping him tho’. She’s decided that dog needs to be a brighter colour to make the photos really pop! LOL! THE TRUTHStill staying with my friend. Two Korean student home-stays arrived today. One boy wearing pancake makeup. The other a puzzled expression. Both spent ages showering and left the bathroom ankle-deep in water. Walls, vanity and mirror all dripping wet. Don’t quite know how they did it. Friend gritted teeth. Mopped up. Made a huge welcome dinner. The guests ignored the kimchi and other Korean food. Wolfed huge amounts of everything else. Polite but awkward and stilted attempts at conversation. Friend’s ancient dog who’s deaf and blind, slept through dinner in her pink basket which matches absolutely nothing. Dog didn’t empty bladder or bowels during dinner. What a relief. No one remarked on the table.

FACEBOOK ALTERNATIVE FACTS 3Still in Auckland. Got together with my brilliant, warm, witty extended family. Threw together an eclectic meal with recipes from Nigella, Gordon and Annabelle et al including this brilliant jellied beetroot salad. See link for recipe. A big hit with everyone. Everyone admired the table. The new russet-coloured spaniel really makes the monochromatic dining room pop?!! THE TRUTHHad a meal with my few remaining living relatives. We see each other so rarely that we don’t really have much in common except DNA. But we were all full of good will and tried very hard to find things of mutual interest to talk about. To avoid the whole matter of who would host and cook the meal, we met at a cheap and cheerful restaurant in a street full of Asian restaurants. Well cheap anyway. Ate a plate of very bad noodles. Thankfully no beetroot on the menu. Once, long ago, I laughed so hard with a jellied mouthful of the stuff that beetroot juice squirted out my nose. Left the ancient dog at home.

FACEBOOK ALTERNATIVE FACTS 4Isn’t Nelson the best place in the world to live! So thrilled to be back that I wore a darling pair of dove-grey suede sneakers to celebrate. My friend’s so jealous! She wants a pair because they’d chime so brilliantly with her silver and grey dining room! THE TRUTHBack in Nelson. Exhausted after 4 weeks in Auckland. Took the dog for a walk along the Maitai wearing the dove-grey suede sneakers I bought in a sale last year. I’ve kept them in mint condition by being very careful when and where I wear them. It started raining. Bucketed down. Waited under Nile St bridge hoping it would stop. No such luck. Wrapped a dog poo bag around each shoe and flapped and squelched my way home.

Leave a Reply.

THE GREY URBANISTRo Cambridge, is a freelance writer, radio show host, arts worker & columnist reports on the oddities & serendipities of urban life. She roams Nelson city with a tan & white Jack Russell. Pete, her original canine side-kick features in many of these pieces, but died in April 2015.