I live with three cats, a female who remains inside most of the time and two semi-feral male cats, who both adopted my late beloved and myself when we were still yet living together, that flop out in my unheated sun room with a cat door that allows them to come and go, as they please. I leave out food and water for them and since the temperature at night often drops into the low 30’s, occasionally one or both of the males will want in the front door and quickly head for the door to the sun room and want out once more. I just have to laugh because I know they just want to take the warmer shortcut to their Kitty B&B, rather than walk all the way around to the cat door in the cold dark night of winter.

The female I call Pumpkin, because she is bright orange and sometimes I have called her Punkin because she bullied all the other cats who shared her space inside or who came to flop in the Kitty B&B. She is the obvious alpha female and her position at the top of the pecking order is so assured, that she really doesn’t have anything to do except to let herself be seen and known and even in the case of the two males, she doesn’t even have to do that.

Why I’m telling you this is because, just having read the “Divine Bitch Handbook” which was gifted to me by its author, Harriette King, because I honored her in a previous post, On becoming The Divine Bitch, I now have joined a very exclusive club, “The Divine Bitch Club“, a club that is both open to anyone and everyone, whereby membership to this club is by self-selection rather than by invitation and I can never be shunned or disbarred from membership, except by my own say so. While it is ultimately open to men, it is less likely that they will want to join and be known as a bitch, divine or otherwise or to openly admit that they have or have had a “wounded little girl” inside themselves.

Over the past year I have reported how vulnerable I have been to others acceptance or rejection of me as a woman, simply because, either way, I took it personally. Many of us who have taken on the challenge of being accepted as we wish to be seen, still operate from the position of wounded child or holy martyr.

Since my beloved wife left earth almost three months ago to move on to the next step along her path of being, I have carried on her way of being open and loving to everyone I meet and, in the process, have made a lot of new friends, especially girlfriends, simply because whether they accept me or reject me for who I am, it does not matter, because either way, I have become what Harriette refers to as the “Divine Narcissist,” meaning that I love myself without reservation no matter how others regard me, yet I don’t do so from the place of ego, as in the wounded child or the holier-than-thou martyr.

This bold new path on which I have now chosen to embark is the ultimate liberation that has been called by many names, such as heaven, nirvana,the end of suffering or the Divine Bliss. I am no longer a seeker, I am the finder. It also means that I no longer have to be concerned for my privacy or security because my life is now an open book and I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore, even to being transgender. Some may now warn me that there is still a very dangerous world outside Santa Fe in which to be transgender, but I assure them I am wise enough to know when not to volunteer information about myself needlessly.

Going back to the analogy of the alpha female cat, there is nothing for me to do or have, for I am the High Priestess to my own Goddess Incarnate. I am the “Divine Alpha Female,” beyond the need for a pecking order. I wish I could teach others how to join the club but I can’t. I can only show the way by example, just as Jesus, as the “Heart of the Christos” did, over two millenia ago.

Harriette included in her book a mantra which has now become my daily prayer to myself and knowing Harriette, I don’t think she will mind me sharing it with you.

” I am the Heart of the Christos.

I am clear and perfect energy.

Love is my guide.”

One more thing, when I go about my business in the world outside, its not just “ma’am?,” it is now “Yes, ma’am ?” and then it becomes “Yes, MA’AM!”

Deanna Joy Hallmark

The Divine Alpha Female

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About Deanna Joy Hallmark

I am a post-op transgender woman who has now completed transition and living my life as the woman I was born to be. I have been writing my blog, now titled "A Spy in the Enemy Camp - A transgender woman’s perspective from having lived as a man among men" since December 2011. Originally a record of my process and feelings in transition, last summer in 2013 it took on observations from both sides of the gender binary and now will also be looking at my past life pretending to be the man I never was and how it finally brought me to where I am today, the beautiful intelligent woman I had always believed I should have been since I was little.