Saturday, April 17, 2004

The Comedy of Baseball by Steve Reynolds

Baseball managers throughout the years have made their mark by implementing
great strategy (which ends up being copied by others), by coaxing the best out
of less talented players and knowing exactly when to juggle their lineups. Some
managers make their mark by using the f-word a lot. And so we present the
transcript of Cubs manager Lee Elia’s legendary April 29th, 1983 tirade. This occurred after a
daytime loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers at pre-lights Wrigley Field.
Fortunately for us, local radio reporter Les Grobstein was there with
his tape recorder, making his own Zapruder moment.

“Fuck those fucking fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans that are
supposed to be behind you, ripping every fucking thing you do. I’ll tell you
one fucking thing, I hope we get fucking hotter than shit, just to stuff it up
them 3,000 fucking people that show up every fucking day, because if they’re
the real Chicago fucking fans, they
can kiss my fucking ass right downtown and PRINT IT.

“They’re really, really behind you around here...my fucking ass. What the
fuck am I supposed to do, go out there and let my fucking players get destroyed
every day and be quiet about it? For the fucking nickel-dime people who turn
up? The motherfuckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the fucking
game. They oughta go out and get a fucking job and find out what it's like to
go out and earn a fucking living. Eighty-five percent of the fucking world is
working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fucking playground for the
cocksuckers. Rip them motherfuckers. Rip them fucking cocksuckers like the
fucking players. We got guys busting their fucking ass, and them fucking people
boo. And that’s the Cubs? My fucking ass. They talk about the great fucking
support the players get around here. I haven't seen it this fucking year.
Everybody associated with this organization have been winners their whole
fucking life. Everybody. And the credit is not given in that respect.

“All right, they don’t show because we’re 5 and 14...and unfortunately,
that's the criteria of them dumb fifteen mother-fucking percent that come out
to day baseball. The other eighty-five percent are earning a living. I tell
you, it'll take more than a 5 and 12 or 5 and 14 to destroy the makeup of this
club. I guarantee you that. There’s some fucking pros out there that wanna win.
But you’re stuck in a fucking stigma of the fucking Dodgers and the Phillies
and the Cardinals and all that cheap shit. It's unbelievable. It really is.
It’s a disheartening fucking situation that we're in right now. Anybody who was
associated with the Cub organization four or five years ago that came back and
sees the multitude of progress that’s been made will understand that if they're
baseball people, that 5 and 14 doesn't negate all that work. We got 143 fucking
games left.

“What I’m trying to say is don't rip them fucking guys out there. Rip me. If
you wanna rip somebody, rip my fucking ass. But don't rip them fucking guys
because they’re giving everything they can give. And right now they're trying
to do more than God gave ‘em, and that’s why we make the simple mistakes.
That's exactly why.”

Steve Reynolds is the senior editor of Zisk and is
known to curse as much as Lee Elia on occasion, especially when the Mets lose
and the Yankees win. And he apologizes to Mike’s mom. He really likes the
chocolate chip bars she makes.