HOLY GHOST: Buddha? Gah. I don't like that skinny little man, he's always acting
like he knows something I don't. And he smells funny. I'm not
entirely comfortable with Jesus hanging out with him.

GOD: Oh, Buddha is fine. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

HOLY GHOST: That's true. How about the angels?

GOD: If I spend one more century with those angels I'm going to End All
Existence. They're such brownnosers.

HOLY GHOST: Hmm...Hey, if you're lonely why don't you build more humans and
have a chat with them? You used to get a kick out of that.

GOD: I'm done with the whole creation thing. Those little monkeys are having
a fine time building themselves anyway. Plus, you can't have a decent
conversation with a human. 100 years and Pfft!, they fall apart.

HOLY GHOST: Shouldn't have made them out of clay, if you wanted them to stick
around.

GOD: I know, I know.

HOLY GHOST: You are all-knowing.

GOD: Me-damn it! I'm so bored! There's got to be something I can do to
while away the rest of eternity.

HOLY GHOST: Well, you know, there's someone you haven't hung out with for a
while...

GOD: Him? I dunno. I did cast him out of Heaven for warring upon my
Kingdom. Makes it kind of awkward, inviting him back.

HOLY GHOST: So why don't you go to his place? I've been told it's quite
cozy.

GOD: Hmm. Okay, sure. What do I have to lose?

(GOD gets up and leaves the Kingdom of Heaven. HOLY GHOST looks satisfied,
then looks around forlornly.)

HOLY GHOST: Now what am I going to do...I guess I can go find some church
dances and see if there's any children I can be between.

(HOLY GHOST exits cheerfully.)

(SCENE TWO: The Fiery Pits of Hell. SATAN is sitting in a lawn chair
drinking a Faygo and listening to music on his walkman)

SATAN: (singing to self in tuneless way) I get knocked down, but I get up
again, you never gonna keep me down I get...

(GOD enters sheepishly.)

SATAN: Oh God. It's you!

GOD: Um, well, yes. Hello Satan. How have you been?

SATAN: Hey, just fine, just dandy! Never been better! Please, have a seat!
(He points and another lawn chair appears.

GOD: Thank you. (sits)

SATAN: So, what brings you to the Fiery Pits of Hell?

GOD: Oh, just checking in. We haven't talked for, I dunno, a thousand years
or so, so I thought I'd stop by and say hi.

GOD: Really? I would have thought that whole war, and me winning that bet
about Job, and...

SATAN: No no no, nothing could be farther from Truth. Casting me down here
has been the best thing that's ever happened to me! I didn't feel that way at
the time, but I see now that this is all that I wanted.

GOD: Really? I mean, of course.

SATAN: I think it was really hard living with you and the angels in the
Kingdom of Heaven. I just needed my own space. So moving out and living at my
own place...well that and tortuing sinners for all eternity,
really put me in my element. I've really mellowed out over these centuries, and I
feel like I really owe it all to you.

GOD: Wow...thanks, that means a lot.

SATAN: I mean, check this place out! It's tropical weather all the time, and it's
full of interesting people. The sinners are the interesting ones, you know.

GOD: Um, I suppose that's true.

SATAN: And I've been expanding the place significantly over the years.
You've noticed how many more mortals end up here than in Heaven, right? Well, my
realm has expanded to take on the influx. I mean, at this point Hell is larger
than Heaven and Earth combined!

SATAN: Sure, there are times I get frustrated, and feel like I want to
destroy you and your stupid roody-poo candy-ass Heaven...but then I just go and rip the
bowels out of a sinner, heal him up, and do it again. And that's when I remember
how fun it is to be The Devil, and I feel really good about my eternal life.

GOD: You rip the bowels out of people for fun?

SATAN: Sure! It's great cardio. And they totally deserve it. When you
read the sorts of things some of these little monkeys have done, it makes me look
like an angel.

GOD: Wooo! Yeah! Me, that was fun! I haven't had that good of a time since
Noah's Ark!

SATAN: And you're really good at torturing sinners! I'm telling you, you're
a natural at it -- your technique is without equal, I was burning with envy you
know.

GOD: (Blushing) Well, I am all-powerful...Oh, if only I could do this all the
time!

SATAN: Well, we could trade for a while...

GOD: ... Really?

SATAN: Why not? We could trade places for a week. I'll rule the Kingdom of
Heaven, and you rule Hell, and then next Thursday we'll switch back. What do you
say?

GOD: That sounds fun. All right, it's a d...HEY!

SATAN: What?

GOD: You tried to trick me!

SATAN: Um...no I didn't.

GOD: Yes, you did! You buttered me up and showed me a good time, and I
almost fell for it! I almost handed over my Kingdom voluntarily, just so I could
sit on a lawnchair in the pits of Hell drinking Faygo and driving hot pokers
through the chests of ax murderers! I can't believe I almost did that!

SATAN: (Grinning) Couldn't pull a fast one on you, eh? You're just too
quick for me!

GOD: Oh Satan, you're such a worm. (They share a good laugh.) But listen, I
gotta go. I need to get home so I can cook dinner. The Holy Ghost has trouble
doing it herself, being intangible and all. But anyway, I had a great time, and
if you don't mind I'd love to drop in later.

SATAN: Oh, anytime My Lord. The doors of hell are always open.

GOD: I should hope not! There'd be such a draft, you heating bill would
go through the roof! (They both
chuckle heartily and God pats Satan on the back.) Okay, I'm off. Take care
Lucifer!

(GOD leaves)

SATAN: And you take care as well, God. (His broad grin morphs into a cruel
smirk) For this is not the last you've seen of me. I swear on Your Name,
someday I will destroy you and your nancy-boy angels and that hippie son of
yours, and the Kingdom of Heaven will be mine. And all will cower before me!
Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!