The 13-Step Guide to How Kate Middleton's Royal Birth Is Going to Go Down

We're already having sympathy contractions because THE ROYAL BABY IS GOING TO BE BORN SOON! The Royal Heir is reportedly due in mid-July, but then again, so was Kaidence Donda West, so we best be prepared. A world-famous baby waits for no one. Here's how the Royal Birth is going to go down, and how it will affect your life.

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1. The Palace will make the world aware when Kate goes into labor. Citing royal sources, CNN reports that the media will be alerted once Kate is setlled in her hospital room. You'll likely also see a triple rainbow form overhead, or a pack of doves flying in a heart formation.

2. Kate will head to the private Lindo Wing of St. Mary's hospital in London. That is the same hospital where William and his younger brother, Prince Harry, were born to Princess Diana and that snake Charles. Maybe Di will be there in spirit? This makes us sort of verklempt.

3. The Duchess won't just have one OB-GYN. Please. She and Royal Fetus will be attended to by a team of elite doctors, per The Daily Mail, "including the Queen's current surgeon-gynecologist Alan Farthing and his predecessor Marcus Setchell." So the same people who look at the Queen's vagina will be looking at Kate's vagina. The Queen has a vagina. UNWELCOME MENTAL IMAGE.

4. Prince William plans to be present at the birth. Unless he is really, really tied up with an emergency at "work," (ugh, why must we pretend they have real jobs?) as a search and rescue helicopter pilot in Wales, in which case Kate's mom Carole and Pippa will be at her side.

4a. Kate plans to give birth naturally. To each her own...

5. She shall have privacy. Kate will be ensconced in a sprawling $15,000 per day birthing suite, complete with TV and Internet for her daily checking of Cosmopolitan.com, not to mention a kitchen staff on hand to bring her anything she needs. Word to the wise, nurses: She likes Haribo Gummies.

6. Kate and Will won't find out the sex of their baby before he or she is born. So just put Kate's supposed "daughter" slip out of your mind and don't get your hopes up. Sorry: It might be a boy.

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7. The official announcement of the birth will be amazingly straight-up old-school Palace style, with a dash of Twitter thrown in. Specifically, "a royal aide will emerge from the hospital with a signed bulletin on foolscap-sized paper carrying the Buckingham Palace letterhead. The bulletin will be given to an official who will be driven to the Palace, where it will be posted on an easel in public view in front of the building. At the same time the bulletin is posted, there will be an announcement on Twitter and the media will be formally notified. The document will give the baby's gender, weight and time of birth." There will probably also be a gun salute to mark the birth.

9. Meanwhile, Kate will be ordering a glass of champagne from the Lindo Wing's exhaustive wine list. Seriously.

10. We might not know the baby's name yet. Yeah, these b*tches might pull a Kimye. It took Diana and Charles a week to announce William's name, so prepare for some Zero Dark Thirty-level torture.

11. Royal VIPs will visit. But not the Queen. According to reports, Ol' Liz will be summer vacationing at Balmoral in Scotland and won't meet her great-grandkid until she's back. WHATEVER.

12. Will will take the standard two weeks paternity leave before returning to Wales. Kate and the Baby Princess (or Prince) will either spend some time with her parents or kick it at one of the couple's private cottages.

13. They'll all live happily ever after, and we'll have absolutely nothing to look forward to in life—until the first photo.

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