Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I Married Young - You Can Too

Time Magazine has published a report on new statistics predicting that 25% of Millennials will never marry. This is a serious problem that society should not (but will) ignore. The top reasons cited in the study are:
1) Not ready to settle down/too young
2) Not financially prepared
3) Haven't found what they are looking for

Let's discuss.

1) Not ready to settle down/too young
And here we have one of the great consequences of the Eternal Adolescence that seems to be gripping society. Once you turn 18, being ready to settle down has very little to do with age and very much to do with maturity and life outlook (no I'm not suggesting everyone should get married at 18, far from it!). As the value of BA's decrease, more people go to graduate schools (in turn decreasing the value of a graduate degree but I digress), thereby pushing back the age at which they feel ready to settle down. Although I have a feeling that for most people it is more of "I just want to go on one more totally awesome backpacking trip" or "I just really want to spend money on ME ME ME" or "I just want to p-a-r-t-y" than it is that they are not ready to settle down. My grandma was 18 when she got married. She has been married for 60+ years. You are not too young to get married. You are too immature. Next.

2) Not financially prepared
I can empathize with this reason. A little. The desire to be financially secure is admirable, but is that what this is really about? Or is this more about living like royals and looking after yourself? The one thing that seems glaringly problematic among young marrieds today is the expectation that they will be living the same lifestyle at 28 and 29 that their parents are living after 30+ years of marriage. Sorry folks, buying a 3500 square foot house and eating sirloin steaks every night requires.....money. A lot of it. And that money is hard to come by when people are spending more than a down payment on a house to pay for their wedding. (Side note: My husband and I had a beautiful wedding. Really. I do not regret the wedding we had because we are very good with money, however looking back I can definitely see how we would have benefited from spending less on the day.) I am going to bring up my grandparents again because when they got married they literally had a net worth of $10.00. TEN DOLLARS. They made it work. Unless one of you is carrying a mountain of debt (which, if due to frivolous spending, could be a sign to not marry the person......) this excuse is garbage. It is a cop out. Especially for men.

3) Haven't found what they are looking for
This is what happens: People date someone they really love, but then delay getting married because of reasons #1 and #2. They break up. By the time they are "ready" to get married reason #3 comes into play. You know the expression all the good ones are gone. Guess what? When you get to a certain age this expression becomes reality. The good ones are gone. Or they are back on the market as divorcés and divorcees with a whole lot of emotional baggage (and probably kids). The other possibility here is that people are looking for something that doesn't exist. These are the people who watch too much tv and believe in things like soul mates and the perfect person for them. These are the people who get hung up on "the one that got away" and never move on. Tough luck buddy. Get over it. Human beings are all deeply flawed and you just have to make sure you can handle the flaws of the person you marry and vice versa.
On another note - you might be looking in the wrong places. Several years ago I was sitting in an airport lounge with some of my husband's friends from university. We had attended the wedding of a friend and were waiting for our flight back to London. One of his friends, an attractive, 32 year old with a great job in the City, confessed that he wanted to find a "great girl" and settle down like his friends were doing. He complained he could not find anyone who would qualify as wife material. This is the same guy who the night before the wedding was trying to find the best strip club in the greater Salzburg area and when unable to do so settled on a seedy bar. Case in point. Think about the kind of man or woman you want to marry. Where would they hang out? Go there.

OK let's regroup.
I met my husband when I was 21 and got married when I was 23. My husband was 28. We are still married. We still like each other. The right time to get married is not about age, or money, or some trumped up fantasy about the ideal partner. You find someone you are incredibly attracted to (this does matter somewhere along the way, because if you never feel it then....there's a problem), you fall in love. Important: you make sure this person has the same view of marriage and roles in a marriage that you do. You make sure they are not a psycho and that their family is not going to make your life a living hell. You make sure they want children (if you do). You make sure that you can tolerate their flaws and they can tolerate yours. You. Get. Married. You make it work.
This is life.

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About Me

Life. Freedom. Family. This is what matters to me. I'm a working mom, wife, cook, budget guru, shopper, decorator, general go-to-get-things-done person, lover of books and freedom.
This space is designed to share practical solutions and ideas relating to life and family. It is not an advice blog. It is me sharing my experiences with you. I am not a wellness coach, life coach, doctor, nurse, lawyer, psychiatrist, psychologist, financial advisor, midwife, healer, mindfulness instructor, potion maker, or elixir salesperson. I am however a strong believer in Judeo-Christian values, a lover of life and family, and a believer in freedom of expression. Oh, and Israel. As a result, you will find related posts on this blog.