Just not in the mood…for anything!

I have, by no means, led an unproductive life…that is, when you look at it in the grand scheme of things. I have never failed to accomplish anything I truly set out to attain. However, since the new horizons of productivity accompanying mania began to manifest while my law school colleagues were struggling to produce half of what I did effortlessly, I simultaneously began to believe I could do anything. When I looked back over my high school, undergraduate, and graduate school experiences, I realized that for many years I had been hypomanic. It was wonderful, so I thought. I didn’t sleep. I worked into the night (beginning in junior high school) researching whatever crossed my mind, writing, planning, whatever. While this was fabulous for my resume to get into college, what I now recognize is that ultimately it set me up for disappointment and negative self-criticism when the mania flipped into depression.

When the depression really hit me a couple of years ago, I ended up staying in bed for almost two months without interruption (other than taking my dog just outside the door to do his business and immediately back inside). During that turbulent time, I understandably accomplished absolutely nothing. I told myself it was “burn out.” I had never, ever had a break – I’d gone straight from high school into undergraduate college; graduated in 4 years with a double major & published Honors thesis; straight from there into my career as a teacher with graduate school in the evenings; and after the completion of my Master’s degree, I went immediately into law school. I maintained that pace until the final year of my legal education. To add to the generic symptoms of depression, I beat myself up because I simply could not comprehend how I could go from that break-neck speed of accomplishment to not even having the energy to walk down the stairs for something to eat. My weight withered from a healthy 134 to 120, then to 112 (I am 5’7” tall).

Now, after almost a year, I’ve found the beginnings of a mid-point. I still err on the side of lethargy (or that could just be my perception of no longer being super woman!), but have managed to get back on my work-out regime and will be finishing up law school next fall. Yet I continue to struggle with not wanting to do anything at all. I make lists of all the projects I’m excited to begin (not necessarily work-related – it can be going to the tanning salon or checking my messages on MySpace, etc.); yet when it comes time to actually do them, I find an excuse not to. I know this procrastination isn’t the result of a fear of failure (as many of these tasks are quite mundane). Nevertheless, I have no idea where this inertia comes from or why it’s my biggest problem with truly overcoming the depression I experienced a couple years ago.

I can honestly assert that absolutely nothing in the world excites me anymore. Even things I’ve been enthusiastic about my entire life don’t carry much promise for me – even in my brief hypomanic phases. In the back of my head, I have a voice repeating how meaningless it all is or that there’s no point in doing it because nothing I do will matter in the end. I don’t mean this to be a depressing blog, but I’m trying to emphasize that these feelings of inaction persist throughout all my moods, both good and bad. Consequently, I’ve put together several binders full of quotes and anecdotes meant to instill self-worth, motivation, inspiration and hope. Whenever I begin to feel like there’s no point in doing anything, I grab a binder and read until I start to feel more positive.

I want to suggest creating binders of your own to fill with things that appeal to you personally. Create different binders with different titles, themes, or with information involving a particular subject or whatever. I promise reading these throughout feelings of desperation will counter that voice inside trying to keep you down! Better yet – hop on a treadmill and read them! I know it takes some conscious action to defeat the hopelessness of a depressive episode, particularly when those thoughts and subsequent inactions have become habit. But remember – you are not your thoughts – you are much stronger than them and when you really make up your mind to overpower them, they will surrender.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Haley Morrison

Haley is a freelance writer, model and animal rights activist. She is currently in her final year of law school and was a middle school English teacher before entering the legal field. She was diagnosed with...read more