‘Smoke crack two days a week instead of drinking’, MP’s report says

A group of MPs have said that people should have at least two days a week completely clear of alcohol, and try other ways of escaping from reality instead, such as hallucinogenic drugs.

The Science and Technology Committee is calling for a review of government guidelines on alcohol in the UK, and have criticised the wording of some of the advice given to people too stupid to know their own limits.

'The current guidelines advise men not to regularly drink more than three to four units a day. But the wording of that makes it sound as if it’s ok to drink a little bit every day.' said one Lib Dem MP, from his local AA meeting.

'We would like to see it changed to something like “Why not lay off the booze at weekends? Have you seen Trainspotting? You could try heroin instead, it’s very good.” to get across the message that you really shouldn’t drink every day. Believe me, as a Lib Dem I can understand the need to escape from reality, but alcohol is not the answer. Not for more than five days a week anyway.'

The report goes on to suggest a variety of recreational drugs that could make suitable substitutes for alcohol, and includes a handy table translating alcohol units per day to a suggested alternative drug.

'If you only drink a couple of units a day normally, then why not try smoking a bit of weed instead from time to time? If you’re on about eight pints a night then you might want something a bit harder, like crack, or MDMA. And if you’re currently getting through a whole bottle of vodka a day then you’ll probably want to give heroin a go. A £10 bag takes up much less space than the equivalent alcohol medium, and there's no danger of breaking the container if you drop it fumbling for your car keys.'

'If you’re still unsure then watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas might give you some ideas, there’s a lot of drugs in that. Besides, with the current plans to make alcohol ridiculously expensive you could save yourself some money by switching to class A drugs instead.'

Very good. Love the idea of the handy table. And the advantage of (say) a £10 bag is that it takes up much less space than the equivalent alcohol medium and there's no danger of breaking the container if you drop it fumbling for your car keys.