A month after the Fifty Shades of Grey casting crisis—during which Charlie Hunnam abandoned E.L. James’s kinky ship in hopes that, among other things, he could have fairly normal family conversations at Thanksgiving this year—Universal has paired its Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) with Christian Grey 2.0 (Jamie Dornan) in the production’s first photo shoot. The actors appear in character on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and in a set of photos inside, which appear to have been staged for the purpose of proving that the erotic best-seller’s film adaptation is back on track. (Do not sweat, Universal investors!)

The cover shows Dornan, the former Calvin Klein model, and Johnson, daughter of actors Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, entangled in a predictable palette of grays. Slightly alarmingly, the pair do not seem to give off a smouldering or lustful vibe, but perhaps we are misjudging the heat—please help us by rating the couple’s connection with VF.com’s foolproof leading-couple chemistry scale.

Smoldering Pitt-Jolie Chemistry: The two are attracted to each other on such violently intense levels that they may kill each other during lovemaking. Significant others of Johnson and Dornan may as well change their Facebook relationship status to “single” now.

__Professionally Convincing Chemistry:__Like Julia Roberts and George Clooney or Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, they can convince audiences that they are attracted to each other but will not destroy any marriages in the process. Their unrealistically easy chemistry will immediately make their films a favorite of single women of all ages.

__Weirdly Serious Perfume-Ad Chemistry:__Most perfume ads are not outright sexy. They depict two genetically superior individuals feeling some kind of sophisticated attraction that we beastly mortals can recognize but will never fully understand.

__Familial Chemistry:__The pair has some chemistry, but it is more of the platonic “My-Brother-Works-on-Wall-Street-and-My-Sister-Goes-to-Yale-and-Bears-a-Striking-Resemblance-to-Rory-Gilmore”-type situation.

Zero Chemistry: They met each other moments before being photographed and were just awkwardly making small talk about Johnson’s bacterial infection and Dornan’s obsession with gyros when instructed to look like they wanted to rip each other’s clothes off.