Sunday, August 31, 2008

Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin meet in the same leather-walled room that McCain and Obama met earlier in the week.

Hillary: Hey, babe.Palin: How are you, Hil?Hillary: I’m ok. You?Palin: Just starting it seems. Been a hectic ride so far.Hillary: You making sure John gets his meds?Palin: Yeah. At least until January 20.Hillary: I always liked you.Palin: Tell me about Barry’s wife, please.Hillary: You can take the girl out of the ghetto, but not the ghetto out of the girl.Palin: I’ve seen that. Before she did this Betty Crocker routine at the convention …Hillary: Yeah, make me puke!Palin: Oh, Hil, it was laughable! The real truth was seen when you gave your speech. You see the tapes?Hillary: Yeah [laughing]. Looked like those hemorrhoids she popped during birth were in full bloom. Palin: The girl can’t pull it off. She’s angry.Hillary: She has no idea what it means to have the cameras on 24 hours a day.Palin: Unlike Bill, eh?Hillary: Let’s not go there. I’m a little pissed at that boy.Palin: What up?Hillary: We were stuck in an elevator for five minutes at the hotel. It just stopped.Palin: Yeah, I read that.Hillary: The flop sweat coming off him was embarrassing.Palin: Really?Hillary: It was pathetic, Sarah. You’d think his life was closing in on him.Palin: Lemme guess – it was you, him, and a few male Secret Service, guys, right?Hillary: Yeah. How’d you know?Palin: Flop sweat. You were the only female around him. He saw, if you don’t mind me saying so, his own private hell right before his eyes.Hillary: Good point. I’ll be sure to throw an ashtray at the back of his head next time I see him.Palin: Your speech – I loved the “traveling sisterhood” bit. Very liberal. It also gave your PUMAs a subtle direction not to disband.Hillary: [Smiles broadly]Palin: You gonna Tonya Harding this Chicago mouth?Hillary: Slowly, very slowly. I’m still contemplating an October Surprise.Palin: Do tell.Hillary: Look, the analysis is clear. John really fu--, sorry. John really boned me when he picked you. I can’t run against you in ’12. You got the unions, the mothers, the bleeding-heart-my-baby’s-got-a-disease groups. I’m toast. The twenty years between us will make me look like a hag! Good god, little “g” Sarah, compare our pictures – you the beauty queen, and mine? I strove for and achieved the bull-dyke look.Palin: So where does that lead you?Hillary: I’m thinking October 21, 2008.Palin: Hunh?Hillary: Here’s the plan. I will campaign for that sorry sack of sh--- stuff in September as if I found Jesus. Know what I mean?Palin: I know precisely what you mean.Hillary: [Lowers head] Anyway, then in October, you know – the debates are in the can and all. It’s a good time to slip away. Palin: I don’t mean to interrupt, but you’ll still prep me for debating Biden, right?Hillary: Of course, love. No issue. A promise is a promise.Palin: Thanks.Hillary: So, I kinda slip into the background in early October. Then I have some social time with someone from WaPo or CNN. Maybe go fishing.Palin: No shit! Oh! Sorry.Hillary: It’s OK, dear.Palin: Go on.Hillary: I’m gonna do the long, hard look of a contemplative and seasoned statesman.Palin: Statesman?Hillary: Is that a lesbian crack?Palin: Hil, you know me better.Hillary: Don’t lie to me.Palin: OK, sorry, yeah it was.Hillary: Never apologize, Sar. It was good. Quick, subtle, sharp. Always liked you.Palin: If I wasn’t a Christian and hetero, well, maybe …Hillary: Yeah, maybe …Palin: [Sigh]Hillary: Back on track.Palin: Please!Hillary: So, I’m fishing, right? And I start this supportive-yet-concerned bit with the hack or hacks I take along. Then we have dinner, and the theme continues. But subtle, soft – yet consistent. I do it on a Friday.Palin: Oh, Hillary.Hillary: Shush, Sarah, shush.Palin: [Fixes hair, touches her neck.]Hillary: So then I wait to see the murmurs in the press for a few days. I’ll fan the embers if I need through Bill.Palin: He’ll do anything for you.Hillary: As long as I let him off his leash a few times a month.Palin: I’m so sorry how all that worked out.Hillary: It’s fine, but thanks. I never liked him. I really didn’t. He sweats when he has sex. I don’t mean he works himself so much that he sweats. I mean it’s like a faucet. Dick hard; sweat glands open. It’s disgusting.Palin: Yuk! Make me wanna yammy!Hillary: Back to this – back to this! It’s good.Palin: OK.Hillary: So, little bit of criticism of the Dalibama, little bit of proffered direction and advice … all as quiet as I can make it. Nothing in his face. But, Sar, but it will have this rumbling effect to it.Palin: Like a coming earthquake.Hillary: Precisely!Palin: [Sigh.]Hillary: So, October 21 comes along. A few days before I will let it out that I am going to give a speech. Let the press gather like the vermin they are. Then I slam dunk Puddinghead and his greaseball VEEP.Palin: Do tell.Hillary: Here’s what I wrote down so far. “Senator Obama and I fought a hard battle a lifetime ago. That is over. Ancient history. The race for the presidency is between two, no four, individuals. I campaigned hard for Senator Obama through September, and then respectfully yielded the stage.

“I took advantage of my quiet time. I studied and reflected. I analyzed where our country is now and where it needs to go. The challenges immediately ahead of us include closing the Afghanistan campaign, containing the reach of Russia, and shutting down Iran’s nuclear threat. Pakistan is potentially unstable as leadership continues to drift amidst the consolidating and feuding power centers. In addition to these Tier One issues, there is a second tier of noise that could grow as a cancer and have horrific consequences – Mexico is seeing drug violence, Venezuela is speaking brashly with the money to fund interests adverse to ours. Cuba is looking for old-style Soviet sponsorship once again.

“During my reflections, I compared and contrasted Senators Obama and McCain, their personal histories, temperaments, the type of people they surround themselves with.

“I did not know where my deliberations would lead me. But I did reach a conclusion. To be fully open, I wasn’t comfortable with it at first. I threw away every scrap of paper, and started again. Days I toiled. I arrived at the same conclusion.

“Today I stand before you and declare without a care for the political recrimination that may be hurled at me that I can no longer support the candidacy of Senator Obama for the office of the Presidency of the United States. I hereby pledge my full support to Senator McCain and Governor Palin, and will do whatever they ask in support of them.”Palin: I’ve got goosebumps!Hillary: I’m damp.Palin: Hillary, we can’t.Hillary: I know. I know.Palin: Your really going to do that?Hillary: I’ve always liked you, Sarah.Palin: I know. I knew it in my heart when you tracked me down in snowshoes on that moose hunt in 2003.Hillary: I froze my ass for you, girl!Palin: I never forgot it.Hillary: So, yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do. Make me look badly, will he? He’s toast.Palin: Should be worth a cabinet spot for you at least. Got something in mind?Hillary: SCOTUS.Palin: No, no, no. You know better. Can’t have two abortion-toting women on the bench.Hillary: Ruth? Don’t worry about Ruth. When I am ready, she won’t be there.Palin: I don’t want to know.Hillary: But, Sar, if it has to be something else, couldn’t be an ambassador bit.Palin: Poontang City for Bill, eh?Hillary: Got that right.Palin: So what else?Hillary: Lieberman gets State. I know that. Romney probably Treasury – what a nasty job.Palin: Pawlenty to needs to focus on education somehow.Hillary: That’ll go over big with the teachers’ unions.Palin: Bunch of whiners anyway.Hillary: I know.Palin: I’m gonna be like the Energy Czar. Gonna drill the coast and Alaska like Bill Clinton at an intern convention. Whoops! Did I say that outloud? Oh, Hillary, I am so sorry. That just popped out. Please forgive me.Hillary: Heard it before, Sar. No problem.Palin: [Holding Hillary’s hand.] Tell me what you want. SCOTUS maybe, but you need to, um, resolve whatever it is that you need to resolve before it’s on the table.Hillary: What I want, Sarah, is the Vice President. I don’t mean the office, I mean the officeholder.Palin: Oh, Hillary. I know. Please. We just can’t.Hillary: [Sigh.] OK. Look, remember how I held that tea in Ireland with a bunch of ladies, and then claimed I single-handedly negotiated the peace accords?Palin: Now, THAT was funny.Hillary: [Stern look.] They laughed at me, Sarah. They laughed at me.Palin: I’m so sorry.Hillary: I want to negotiate something for real. I’ve never done it before.Palin: Anything in mind?Hillary: Russia’s going to move troops into the Palestinian-Occupied Territories. You know that, right? Palin: WHAT?!?Hillary: Follow me. Nobody gives a rip about Iran and its nuclear folly. Even Russia wants them to eat Israeli lead. But, Sarah, when Israel does bomb the sh--, bomb the …, well, you know what I mean. When that happens, the stupid little Palestinians are going to go all NVA.Palin: NVA?Hillary: Old reference, sorry. They are going to be uncontrollable. And a few dollars slipped from Syria and the remnants of Iran and Russia will make sure of it.Palin: So that’s when Russia moves peacekeeping troops in?Hillary: Bingo! You’re good at this foreign-relations stuff.Palin: My state neighbors Russia and Canada, remember.Hillary: Oh yeah, forgot. It's that POS that I'm gonna crucify that has none. So you think I can kinda be the Special Enjoy for this bit right of the Book of Revelation from Christ to John?Palin: Thank you for knowing the proper name. It just grates me when people say, “Revelations.”Hillary: Yeah, OK. So …?Palin: All yours, darling.Hillary: And the back-up plan is that I off Ruthy and get the SCOTUS seat, right?Palin: I didn’t hear the first part, but roger-that on the conclusion.Hillary: Thanks, girlfriend.Palin: You need to borrow any fishing equipment?

After a warm embrace, they shared a quiet dinner and promised to get together again soon.

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