Happy Presidents Day! There’s never been a better time to celebrate the many centuries of old white men who have improved or worsened our quality of life for many eons. This is also a fantastic time to celebrate Barack Obama, who needs to come back and save us. I love you Barack Obama please come back!

Anyhow, for about two months I’ve been trying to remember the name of this movie about a disobedient child who becomes President of the United States, but have come up short. Today when we needed a President’s Day Post and I realized that I’ve already cheated and written about First Ladies twice (example one / example two), I came up with the idea of this list because I knew that movie would be an excellent anchor for my concept. Unfortunately, it turns out that movie was about Sinbad being the security guard for the President’s son. It was called First Kid. Like most Sinbad movies, it was probably nominated for an Academy Award.

People I would vote for over Donald Trump: that dude from Home Improvement, that tiny lesbian with the sunglasses, Sinbad, the guy who was the voice of Rafiki in “The Lion King”

Anyhow, here are 15 fictional presidents I’d still rather have in office than the yahoo we’ve got in there right now!

The protagonist of The Kid Who Became President immediately displays more foresight and self-awareness than our current president. For example, in the Prologue — not even Chapter One, folks, we’re talking Prologue — he asks, “Can a kid — an innocent seventh-grader like me — make a good president? Or did the job totally overwhelm me and make me fall on my face, humiliating me and the office of the President?” I don’t know, did you almost start a war with Australia? Did you ask Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails? Are you OBSESSED with the size of your inauguration day crowd and can’t stop talking about it? Do you spend $3 million taxpayer dollars every weekend to go hang out in YOUR OWN HOTEL in Florida? Nah? Okay you’re doing great. Apparently this kid eventually requires help from the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, but let’s be real: same.

Chet relocates the capital from Washington DC to Los Angeles, eventually abandons office to run away to Vietnam with his pop star girlfriend. Ideal outcome for current President, although the expense of moving DC to Los Angeles seems unsustainable. Maybe John McCain could say something about that and then do absolutely nothing about it. Just an idea!

Mike, an architect with zero political experience, picks his wife to be Vice President, even though she also has zero political experience. When Congress resists Carol’s appointment, Mike and Carol win them over with a thrilling song and dance number. Honestly I’m not necessarily opposed to requiring Trump’s Cabinet to do the same. I’d love to see Steve Bannon do “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”

Nathan Petrelli turns out to not actually be Nathan Petrelli but instead is Sylar, a serial killer played by noted Serial Killer Portrayer Zach Quinto. Sylar has superpowers that enable him to look like anyone, including Nathan Petrelli. I forget what happened next but it was probably better than Donald Trump’s presser last Thursday. I think everything was fine for this guy ’cause later that same actor played a character with the exact same personality in The Lying Game, a show that got cancelled ’cause only one person watched it. (Me)

Earlier this month I flew to Los Angeles and didn’t buy in-flight WiFi. Therefore, I’d set myself up for a five-hour break from Donald Trump news, which was by far the longest break I’d taken from Donald Trump related news since inauguration day. Still, I thought I could prepare myself for the inevitable terror that awaited me at LAX (besides LAX itself) by watching House of Cards for three hours. I can say unequivocally that House of Cards was way less scary and fucked up than landing, firing up Twitter, and seeing that Donald Trump had threatened to pull federal funding from U.C Berkeley for “practicing violence” and “not allowing free speech” ’cause they’d canceled a Hateful Speaker’s planned Hate Speech. Frank Underwood is basically Thomas J. Whitmore compared to Donald Trump.

15. The Girl In This Picture I Just Drew In Photoshop (My Computer, Just Now)

She might be just a drawing I drew in Photoshop, but that doesn’t mean she’s not pro-choice. (She is pro-choice) (Obama save us)

Just for the record if I had to pick a GOOD fictional president to take over for Donald Trump, it would obviously be Jeb Bartlett. Please let me know all your feelings about fictional presidents in the comments but please refrain from Veep spoilers ’cause I’m only on Season Two and please refrain from mentioning Love Actually because I hate that movie.

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

61 Comments

I can’t believe you remember Judson Moon and The Kid Who Ran For President. That book was my JAM when I was in second grade and I think of it often, along with Judson’s elderly neighbor (I think her name was June?) who advocated quite sensibly for communism when she told Judson that her policy advice was to make everything free.

I have another suggestion of someone who would be a better president than our current president, and that is The Boss from the Saints Row video games, a gangster who rides on a missile set to Aerosmith’s “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” and then lands in the Oval Office and assumes the presidency. The boss is a genderfluid badass who likes to murder the alien police, and their notable policy decisions consist of the role-play option where you get to choose whether you want to “Fuck Cancer” or “Fuck Hunger.” I love The Boss and wish they ran our country today.

Of all the terrible things Trump has done and will do, one of the worst is making me physically unable to rewatch The West Wing without sobbing. What I wouldn’t give to live in a world where Jed Bartlett is President. I would also take President Andrew Shepherd from The American President. Actually, any fictional President created by Aaron Sorkin would pretty much work. Though, I guess, as long as I’m wishing for alternative universes, I still would rather live in the alternative universe imagined by Sarah Lerner at @IfHillaryHad.

Wait, no. I mixed up The American President (where Michael DOUGlas falls in love with Annette Bening) and Dave (where Kevin Kline falls in love with Sigourney Weaver). I do like it when Michael Douglas sends Annette Bening the Virginia ham.

Yes! I watched it in junior high, Kevin Kline played the president/double. I do remember there was some kind of romance between him and the First Lady (possibly creepy in retrospect? Did she know he wasn’t her husband?)

But Annette Bening was the love interest in The American President, where Michael Douglas was prez.

Although Roslin is not pro-choice and makes questionable decisions based on religion all the time. She’s basically fuckable Mike Pence without the homophobia. Is that okay because of the extreme circumstances? I’m still torn up over BSG’s ethical quandaries.

I still get this song stuck in my head about once a month. Also, when the movie first came out that scene where the president’s daughter tries on the neon pink crushed velvet mini dress nearly gave me a lil gay heart attack. ~swoooOon~

President Martinez from the 2007 Disney Channel series Cory in the House
(he’s coded as Latino, has an adorable daughter, loves bobbleheads, and takes time to give questionable advice to teenagers! What’s not to like?)

Or the actual ideal if we can’t have Obama back: President Wonder Woman from Supergirl who is like Hillary but with the improvement of being Wonder Woman and also probably an alien

?? Excuse me? What’s duck doing on a list of dubious fictional presidents better than Trump? I mean, he’s still better then Trump, but he got burnout by working really hard at all his paperwork. No, duck wasn’t a dubious president. He was a great president, who’s not 1000x, but 100000000000000000x better a president then Trump.