Tag Archives: baby jesus

posted by: audra

i know, right? just be happy that yours truly has an important enough job that i don’t spend hours of the workday blogging any longer. or don’t be. your choice.

the latest assorted treats, in list form…because i’m lazy:

*a single man. um–turns out, tom ford, the love of my life, can direct! so beautiful it’s nearly unspeakable. just watch it. so pretty….slow, but i promise it will hold your attention, hence the prettiness.

and speaking of beautiful films…

*antichrist. i was all up in arms to see this months ago, and finally saw it the last weekend. i have a problem with lars von trier even though i think he’s kind of amazing, but this film is brilliant. SPOILER ALERT! clit cutting & ejaculating blood. combined with charlotte gainsbourg, willem dafoe & witchcraft = kinda perf. but once you see ‘her’ whip out the scissors, look away if you’re faint of heart.

*this is old news now, but trust me–if you make a group of your friends watch it, it will spark controversy & they’ll be talking about it long after you’ve slammed your ginger infused vodka & smoked 4 ciggies. even if it puts you all in a tizzy & you think it has nothing to say… isn’t the mish accomplished?

*what the fuck is wrong with me that i haven’t blog-lamented lee mcqueen’s devastating suicide?! what a tool. seriously.

*whilst i love my favorite bar, i truly wish that i could dismember nearly every regular patron of that place. and i’m so tired of the self-righteous, holier-than-thou fucks there that i can’t even stand myself any longer. the gentleman i’ve affectionately nicknamed ‘headphones’? he’s fine. sam’s stalker? even he’s fine. but the retards who play quarters at the bar have got to go. really? you guys are like, 35. and you have cat hair caked to the ass of your fucking skinny jeans & stupid hipster cardigans. i’m not interested in you beating my awesome team at bar trivia, either. fuck you, your douchebaggery, zig zags & loose american spirit tobacco.

*mos qui qui bites are sick, and you’ll totally look like a severe acne victim, post evening stroll up the street unless you protect yourself with pure vanilla extract on your pulse points! it works–promise! this learned after enduring 28 bites. and actually, after discovering this super-important tip, i pretty much doused my entire body with vanilla extract. you’ll smell like junior high (vanilla fields!), but i’m certain that it will keep you mos qui qui free. but bees like it. be careful, babies.

*landlords sometimes do awesome things! they may actually clean up their shop/studio/rat’s nest with rad galvanized siding and leave a treat from their vacay to greece on your door!

*some quick product reviews from me that i know you’ve missed…

korres soft eyeliner pencil in black is rather… um, really good. it glides on perfectly smooth, stays on & will set you back about 16 bucks or something. take it from a girl who wears a whole lot of eyeliner.

korres wild rose face shit is totally, perfectly amazing! 32 bucks will get you a humble little jar of awesome that smells good & makes your medicine cabinet look stylish. and! what’s even better, is that it only takes a tiny dab to make your skin nice. you’re welcome! my only complaint is that possesses a mere 6(!) spf. fucking greeks.

we love you, our loyal readers! we’ve been so terribly, completely, ridiculously busy that we just haven’t made time to post. sorry. but, audra got a job! a real one with a crazy-awesome boss, an office with an actual door, and unlimited bathroom breaks! and sam is onto bigger & amazing-er things with a new business venture! we have lots to tell….lots. brace yourselves. xxo

posted by: audra

oopsies! i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier. like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first. oooh, i can’t wait! let’s get started…

*lose weight i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back. go me. that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down. again. but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs., but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound!

*drink less i have done this. for realsies! i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly! or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more. whatever.

*gossip less yes. did this, too! i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less!

*buy more lusciously tall shoes actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more. not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke! and walking places! and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous!

*investigate hair bleaching again, yes! and i did it right before the year’s end! it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair! step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver i’d actually forgotten about this one. this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do done! at least most of you! i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished! i slept till 11 today!

*learn to play my guitar again sort of! AND i’ve accumulated a bass! and apparently i’m going to be in a band! with real musicians! and i have bass lessons lined up!

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie i grew out all of my nails to a perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver. i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant still no. sigh.

*wear more hats lame! i’m getting rid of this one. although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year!

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less! or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair. i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that. what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?! the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie! who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?! see…see?? what. i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen. very soon. get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook shudder.

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job i think this one speaks for itself as well. it’s SUCH a struggle though! after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser. and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay! so it’s easy to slack-off! it’s terrible. i would only wish it upon a few people.

that’s all, babies! i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

posted by: audra

rain. when i first moved to pdxoxo, i hated the rain. i mean, hated. i remember a particular instance–circa spring 2000–heading into safeway with sam, walking across the parking lot. it was raining. hard. i said, “god, i can’t wait for this fucking rain to stop! will it ever?!” sam replied, “well, you moved to portland…get used to it.” at the time, it made me so fucking mad.

then i started working in the service industry, where when it’s sunny outside, it brings people!

i hate people. i do.

so, in turn, i began associating sunny, warm days with annoying patrons–their little crumb-snatching crotch maggots in tow. i would look forward to forecasts urging portlanders to “pack your umbrellas! batten down the hatches! it’s gonna get nasty!” but when i started working a normal office job, i found the rain to irritate me. it makes traffic worse. it makes the product in my hair liquefy. it could run a brow, given the direction of the wind.

and now it just makes our fucking mudroom wet.

several weeks ago, our roof started leaking. i walked into the kitchen one hungover afternoon, to get some water. i stood at the sink, looking into the mudroom through the window a la roseanne conner, & the ceiling was all water-stained, drips coming from above. after poking sam a few times to coax him out of bed to go knock on our landlord’s studio door to fetch some help, some plastic was placed on the roof. temporarily, of course, until a more permanent fix could be brought forth. on a dry day, the roof was indeed fixed.

it rained quite a bit over the following weeks & not a drop was dripped. it was fixed! amazing! then last night after a massive downpour, it started leaking again, this time in new places & more enthusiastically. the landlord came this morning to investigate, & was not happy–with his repair job or the leak in general. just to be sure, he looked underneath the house (we have a dungeon! it’s creepy! like, where one would stash a body, should the need arise!), and checked the bathroom for any suspicious leaks.

first he wanted to check the shower caulking. i told him that it “might be gross”, as i hate cleaning the shower. he pulled open the curtain, and there i saw a wad of my hair balled up on the shower floor. gross. i was horrified. but i let it pass…he didn’t seem disturbed.

this is when i took the opportunity to tell him about the phantom smell in the bathroom cabinet.

remember the one? the one i told you about? the one that’s like mildewy towels left to rot in the washing machine on a 90 degree day, for like, a week?! that one!

he poked around in the cabinet area a bit, pushing aside moisturizers & kitten powders…then said that it was an old house, & that maybe it was something the previous (dirty fucking hippies!) tenants had put in there & that maybe it’d absorbed the smell. typical. then he said that it smelled good to him (i now stow incense in there), & not to worry about it. he got kind of weird at this point, nervous, & said that maybe “baking soder” would get rid of some of the odor, if it was still a problem.

“did i just say baking soder?!”

“yes, you did!” i giggle.

“well, ha…you know, baking soda.”

“oh, duh! of course. yes, i’ll try that.”

“well, it looks like everything’s okay in here!”

meeting concluded.

later that evening, after said landlord gets on the roof to put up some more plastic, apologizing for it looking trashy, sam comes home. we decide to leave the house for awhile. first, i must use the loo–otherwise i’ll have to pee as soon as we shut the car doors.

i’m going about business as usual, & glance down at the offending cabinet that was previously inspected by the landlord. there i see, on the bottom shelf, gleaming like an oracle from baby jesus, my hot pink vibrator with spinning pearls in the shaft. the ultra 2000 with the golden handle & varying speeds, out on display for all to see.

posted by: audra

who doesn’t need advice every now & then?! i haven’t any askings for advice yet, but the psychic sally in me knows you need to know this stuff…and i am wise from experience! so, here you go; everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask:

for god’s sake, if you have a vadge-doctor appointment, but don’t really know if he’s going to have to take a look-see at your naughty bits…DON’T waste your time veeting the morning-of, and then spend two days sweating in skinny jeans moving into a house; it makes for unsightly results.

…and if you do find yourself in this unsavory position, rub some hydrocortisone on your accident twice daily & it should be cleared up in a snap!

do not eat an entire bag of pork rinds in two days by yourself. it’s gross & will wreak serious havoc on your body.

don’t assume that your future, awesome landlords have thoroughly cleaned your new dwelling. there may be ants, crumbs & long strands of foreign hair in places you’d never suspect.

funemployment does have its perks. but spending all day–maybe 3 in a row without leaving the house–in a place that’s a total disaster, but you can’t do anything will make you go really fucking crazy.

when all else fails, drinking is usually a good idea.

people generally don’t think you’re a freak if you go out without makeup…even if you’re one of those people that do, indeed, need makeup!

and, if you’re reeeeally feeling frisky, try going out in jeans & a tee…maybe even flats! you will amaze your friends with your courage.

if you’re a girl, and work at a reputable & popular local pizza joint, please don’t wear jeans to your workplace so low that it shows where you shaved your short & curlies. it’s gross.

…but at least she shaved! groom that shit!

jillian michaels WILL change your life! or, at least your body. it sucks actually doing the work, but you could be hot! yes, YOU! or, me…just put down the bottle of vodka, pick up your inhaler & get to work!

sleeping until 11am & watching a marathon of ‘a haunting’ on the discovery channel on mondays will not make you feel smarter or more productive.

…but it just may stir up a little something in that could-be-haunted-house of yours.

watch foreign horror films! they are ALWAYS better than the american ones, you’ll feel cool AND they are really fucking scary!

if you are out of philosophy bubble bath, just dump some baking soda or epsom salts into the tub. you’ll still be without bubbles, but your skin will be super-soft! and, i’ve heard that epsom salts help rid your body of excess water retention!

treat your friends as well or better than you treat your family.

never accept ugly people as your friends. afterall, your friends are a direct reflection of yourself!

leave a treat for your neighborhood bottle-goblins. they are the ones who know you’re the alcoholic on the street, and you wouldn’t want that getting around now, would you?! be nice to them, and they’ll be nice to you. put your bottles out early, and leave the ones with deposits on top! wine & gin bottles go on the bottom…it’s that easy!

it’s wise not to invite stray, attractive dogs into your yard. you will only want to keep them after they sit on your feet & lick your hand! best to just let them tinkle on your grass & off they go.

lean cuisine paninis take EXACTLY 2 minutes & 45 seconds in the micro! do not stray from that recommendation!

if there is a painting in your house that suddenly smells odd, move it. it’s probably pissed that you put it there & just needs a change of scenery.

it is NEVER okay to go out looking dumpy! nevermind what i said about it being okay to be going out without makeup & sporting frump-wear! it was bullshit & an oversight on my part. you never know who you will run into, and you should ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE GOING SOMEPLACE BETTER LATER!! i live by this, and it has yet to let me down.

whiskey is usually a bad idea! it will make you act retarded & you’ll have to apologize the next day for being an asshole.

speaking of drinking… drunk-facebooking, myspacing & ESPECIALLY drunk-texting is ALWAYS BAD! you know it is, i know it is, and we’ve all done it. so knock it off!

drunk-blogging is okay.

you’re more attractive than you think you are! stop spending hours picking at invisible things on your face, and spend that time shaving your arms instead. but girls only–boys without arm-hair is creepy!

close your closet doors at night, and always, ALWAYS put the fucking lid down on the loo. and when you leave your home for an extended period of time, place stoppers in all your drains…otherwise all the good chi will go flying out of there while you’re gone!

ALWAYS TIP WELL! i can’t say this enough. i always tip at LEAST 20 or 25%, even if i get the worst service–which is NEVER–and i believe it’s just good-tipping karma. do it! i guarantee you’ll get excellent service in less than a month if you just start tipping better!

posted by: audra

okay. look, kids–i know this hasn’t been easy…for any of us. i miss the weekly recounts of my life just as much as you do! believe it! and i have gotten scolded…many a time…for having this much fucking time on my hands & not blogging. but! it’s all i can do to not sit in front of a screen all day, talking about myself. it’s been a struggle not to do so, but here you go. it’s all going to be purged…even old posts from weeks & weeks ago that were never posted! exciting, right?! and so, we begin….

august 20-something, 2009:

an elitist’s guide to sea-rattle: dive bars, lamb & a bus stop

okay. so. i know, right? you’ve been sitting around, waiting for the night to come, or whatever. at least i have. you want to know ALL about what the biscuits & i have been up to? of course you do! i should have probably made a little note saying ‘sigh…we will be on temporary blog sabbatical for a bit…’ so that y’all didn’t throw a hissy. but i didn’t. and now that hissy has come & you’re sick of checking for new posts. i know my friends well, so i know it’s happened…

disclaimer: this is neither charming nor witty….like you’re used to. continue if you wish…

so kids…sam & i had THE most lovely vacay in seattle EVER. seriously. like, better than new orleans, london, paris & the coast of italy combined. for realsies. believe it. in seattle, of all places! we met THE most incredible people EVER. ever. and then we came home & then i come into work the next day to find out that i have been fired. i’ve realized since that day that i’m much too pretty to work there, so it’s for the better. and anyway, who wants to hear about that?! not you. so….

the first night we were in seattle, we stumbled upon this bar i’d found on yelp called the nitelite. please, please go here iffn’ you’re in the mood for a cranky bar-maid, divey slabtown-esque setting& craving something called taco fries. de-fucking-licious. it’s this ridiculously gross looking pile of fries with taco meat, jalapeños, sour cream, tomatoes & cheese. jesus christ. i literally was so sick & feeling awful that i was running a fever when we arrived last-last-last thursday night, & these babies totally cured me. that, and some beer. these fucking d & d idiots sat next to US (of course), so we had the honor of listening to the different methods & such of dungeons & dragons. they’re quite lucky i wasn’t feeling well, was getting drunk & had the taco fries on my side. in fact, the bartender repeatedly asked them if they were ‘actually going to order’ and if not, then to ‘get out of her establishment’. awesome. even she knew they were idiots.

the next day was the pinnacle of our trip. we have the most uh-mazing friends ever, and are SO lucky to have them… friday was the 2-year anniversary of our dear, dear friend seth’s death. our lovely friends k & a hosted an amazing soiree with all of seth’s close friends, and i tell you what, it was such an honor to be at a gatheringsurrounded by his nearest & dearest, and to be included in something like that. there were some incredible experiences surrounding all of that, including getting a town car escort sorta by accident. anyway, we love you guys to death & miss you terribly already!

saturday after le party, we slept until 2 or 3-ish. sam & i–in typical cuntington fashion—got coffee & ended up hoofing it to the funhouse, a rad little venue/bar where some of our very close pdxoxo bands play often. perhaps you should know that at this point, i am NOT showered, NOT made-up, NOT wearing clean clothes, nor are my teeth or hair brushed. believe it. i’m wearing 2 dirty black tank tops, dirty jeans, a leopard headscarf, huge sunglasses & converse. i know, right?! see, if you think i never go out in public undone, you’re right. but maybe in a foreign city i might. this, or course, is when we run into mutual friends of friends. and also drink breakfast bloodies…

…because this lovely little venue, and lovely it is…does not serve food. real food, anyway. the waitress stated that they ‘have a microwave’ and ‘unless you want a hungryman frozen dinner, you’re better off next door.’ so we drank our breaky drinks & walked to the best bar ever, the 5 point café. just hearing someone else say ‘hungryman’ is embarrassing enough.

kids, you don’t know what you’re missing until you’vebeen to the 5 point. incredible people, super-laid-back, delicious diner food, and a fucking rad juke box. we had gone to this place on friday afternoon prior to the seth-party & lurrrrved it. it felt like home; i never wanted to leave. it’s not touristy in the least, so you’ll meet the bestest locals EVER. the sexy bartenders are nice if you’re nice to them. the bathrooms are clean, but one drunky away from being gross, which is what i like. the clubhouse is perfectly mayonaissed & baconed. the omelets are fluffy & cheesy. you’ll likely hear the cult, mother love bone & mudhoney. if the regulars like you, they may give you half of their peanut butter cup—straight from the freezer. and then hug you on your way out the door. and if you’re lucky, their number & email address. this place has been around since 1929, or whatever, for obvious reasons. heart, heart! i fucking love the 5 point. thank you, babies!

le saturday afternoon after our booze breakfast, sam & i went back to the hotel max where we were residing, to you know, shower & such. maybe sober up a spot, too. we then made our way to a cab to explore capitol hill. love, love, love, you guys! it’s sooo quiet & rad up there, i nearly passed out. after spending waaay too much time & money in sonic boom records, i asked this super-hip & attractive gentleman passing by which bar he would recommend. he rattled off several places, so we sort of walked around peering in doors to investigate. nothing really spoke to us until we came upon smith, the last place he’d mentioned. i could live in smith. really. it’s dark, minimalistic, but cozy. taxidermied heads of various animals & birds mounted tastefully(!) on the walls next to abstract portraits of important americana figures past. the bathrooms are super dark, with the stalls made out of very old doors. the sink is mounted in an old sideboard. delicious. the servers are really fucking hot, really fucking nice, and the jukebox contains sleater-kinney, heliosequence & the jam. we ordered some marrow bones with bruschetta ($9) to start. sam had a burger for around $12 (& mentioned it was possibly better than the slow burger?!), and i had a steak & potatoes with duck fat for 14 bucks. ridiculously underpriced, fantastic atmosphere, rad servers……sigh! i’m kicking myself that we didn’t take hardly ANY pictures the entire trip…especially of the food—and the hot people we met. anyway, at smith we drank several really amazing local beers…which embarrassingly enough, i have no idea what they were…but then went on a quest to find another bar we’d been dying to visit: the redwood.

it took asking 3 different people on the street (after walking around drunk & aimlessly by ourselves) to find it. but when we did, it was like a glowing oracle. i’d been DYING to come here, you guys. i read about this thing, this ‘seattle dog’, which is a hot dog smothered with cream cheese. i nearly had a coronary. the redwood is supposed to haveit….but upon sitting at the bar, it was nowhere in sight. we sat awhile & noticed a cute little couple sit next to us. but i was ready to leave. the bartender wasn’t very good, my creamy hot dog wasn’t present & i was tired. my breakfast bloodies were really starting to kick in. the music was terrible too. i think we were there long enough to hear the allman brothers greatest hits record twice. gross. i’m pretty sure we put some money in the juke at this point…the only song i remember playing was ‘transmission’…

and thanks to ian curtis, it lead us to make instant bffs with the cute couple sitting at the bar next to us. we began bantering back & forth about music, & ended up doing a bit of bar-hopping with them for the rest of the evening. i felt a bit out of sorts, what with my frump-wear: black top, cuffed skinny jeans & converse…but somehow my sparkling personality was still able to shine through. thanks baby jesus! the four of us went to the buck for a few drinks; cute place, crowded, small, nice servers…and three words: wasabi grilled cheese. whilst i didn’t have the time to make gastronomic love to my grilled cheese, it was still enough to make me wanna go back. and so, after we passed the buck, we managed to find this fabulous little bar called the bus stop.

the bus stop = hot staff, amazing dj (book of love + old new order!), small, intimate classy bar posing as a dive. it’s the bartender’s bar. the owner is beautiful, super-nice & he’ll be disgustingly attentive–even if he’s busy. believe it. you’ll love it, babies! promise! and be sure to stop in the cute little vintage store next door…there just might be a glamorous tranny begging you to come in & take a look at a few oddities. just sayin…

sunday i believe we slept in…again…and perhaps went for a little walk around. i think it was hot? i don’t really remember. but i do remember meeting our lovely, lovely friend bianca for sushi at the red fin at the hotel max. yours truly ordered something called the yummy roll; skrimp tempura with cream cheese (!) wrapped up with some sort of fluorescent orange roe on top…salmon roe maybe? yummy indeed. b had the las vegas roll, and sam something neither of us remember… but i believe it too had cream cheese & definitely eel. lovely…but not the greatest place ever. the alcoholic in me ordered a tasteful lychee martini, but of course followed that up with a vodka tonic after the sushi. delicious. we then talked bianca into going back to the bus stop with us; it happened to be karaoke night. god bless that bar. i swear on chanel i would have done something, but those fucks were gooood in there. intimidatingly good. had it been a bar with dirty old men & ladies lubed up with jean nate, i totally would have pulled off my best sophie b. hawkins, but for god’s sake….

monday = DEPECHE MODE DAY. yes, kids– the whole day. except for the break we took for dinner at ten mercer with our friends g-mae, adrian & new friend tucker. i highly recommend the rack of lammy. the place was cool, but our server was kinda cunty…like rushing us a bit too much. it’s busy. so? anyway, sam had the crab ravioli, which was lovely….there’s also a succulent duck breast on the menu. i love breasts AND ducks. damn.

while the lamb was lovely, it caused us to miss the ENTIRE peter, bjorn & john set. believe it! wellsies….not the lamb alone, but maybe primping & preening…and sleeping in too late. and what’s with key arena not allowing booze INTO the shows?! you have to chug your drinks real quick-like & haul ass back to your seat? whatevs. not a fan. but our seats on the floor were uh-maze-ing & dépêche totally would have ripped my knickers to shreds, had i been wearing them. one of the best. shows. ever. ever! including bowie! and peej! and i know we say that all the time, but totally really mean it this time! here’s a little treat from what you missed:

thank god i was there for you, right?! yes, yes…the audio & such is bad, but i didn’t post it. i just relay the festivities.

fuck, this is getting long…sorry loves. see? this is what i get for being afraid of falling into the internets-coma & avoiding the computer at all times while i’m newly unemployed. i just do my nails & chain-smoke instead. seems healthier somehow. but anyway….

so, before heading back to the room directly after the show, we dragged our friends back to the five point café once again. man, i can’t say enough how much i love that place. this was the third trip to the five point & first time i saw it with standing room-only…. which normally i would throw a hissy fit & leave…but with this place, was happy. people SHOULD be coming here. it SHOULD be packed on a monday night at 11. …or not. if i lived in seattle, i’d probably be real cunty towards the assholes that were taking up space in OUR bar. but, whatever. i got my omelet & some beer; sam got some fried mac & cheese wedges. we closed the night with the amazing crystal, and then a night-capping serenade with this homeless, but surprisingly well dressed man named pops. he said to look him up on youtube…and fucking hell, he was good…but sadly, i didn’t find him. sigh!

the end was sad. real sad, for realsies! but fortunately, we were lucky enough to have one night with our lovely, cute couple we had met at the redwood, in pdxoxo the next week. we love & miss you kittens! the photobooth at east end will never be the same…

….and we are fucking LAME we have like, zero photos of our own. we seriously packed our camera everywhere, too. i suppose i should just believe that we were having too much fun to take pictures. and i think that we were.