The 5 Parts of Sex Porn Doesn't Prepare You For

#2. Spillage

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This one's for the ladies. How you doin'? I can't say I know for sure how a woman imagines her first time, if it's some kind of stereotypical Molly Ringwald clusterfuck of a situation with lots of flowers and sexy music and like a four poster bed or some such, but I like to think that's what most of you pictured back before it really happened. Also, if your first time was anything like my first time, it was a motel room with RoboCop on TV in the background and the heavy scent of sausage pizza in the air (naturally before the scent of stank mixed with it to make hot Italian stank, which is its own monster for another article).

To clarify the point I'm about to make here, this only occurs when you're not using condoms. If you're the safe sex type, you may have yet to experience this, but my keen sense of observation tells me it's a treat. I'm talking, of course, about the spillway. That slow, creeping ooze, like the Blob easing its way out of the alley next to the movie theater to consume panicking victims on the street.

It stands to reason that what goes up, or down, to the side, whatever, has to fall victim to gravity eventually, but it's doubtful any of us considered this before that first time. And then it happened, like a pudding cup that sprang a leak, and since the sex is all over, it just seems like a nuisance at that point, dribbling away and making you scramble for some kind of tissue or errant T-shirt to plug the gap until you can get to the bathroom.

#1. Being Tired

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There are a lot of criticisms levied against porn, some valid and some not, but one of the most overlooked is one perpetuated by porn but established thoroughly and pervasively throughout the entirety of the modern world via all branches of pop culture -- the idea that men want, need, and think about sex at all times. I'll be the first to admit that, yes, I think about sex a lot. Obviously I'm thinking about it right now. This morning I made a bagel, and when I spread cream cheese on it, I giggled to myself, because I had the word "spread" in my head and then I made it dirty. Any time I have to pump, tweak, juggle, stroke, poke, slam, jab, thrust, squeeze, lick, slurp, or degrade something, I have pretty much the same reaction. I have a tainted soul. That said, some nights I'm just beat down tired. Lots of dudes are. Some guys have bad days, or stressful days ahead, or myriad distractions that mean, at any given moment, maybe they're not thinking about sex, and yes, realistically, they don't even want sex at that moment.

The idea that a man doesn't want sex at any given time, despite sounding perfectly normal on paper, is so against what we're led to believe through this goofy pop culture condition that says men think about sex every seven seconds or whatever the myth of the week is, and so against the porn staple of a dude just having a hard-on nonstop, that we've come to accept it. A woman can, and I assure you she will, take it as an insult if you don't want sex. Why don't you want it? Men always want it. What's wrong with her? I was literally punched in the face, full-on fist right in my mouth, by a girl because I wouldn't have sex with her once. I couldn't. I'd recently had surgery and I literally couldn't. She didn't see how they were related and assumed there was something wrong with her and I was an asshole for leading her on that far.

The sex drive of a man is pretty much the same as that of a woman. Sure, some dudes will always be ready to go, just like some women are. But if a woman can imagine a time when she wouldn't feel like having sex, then so too can a man. And it happens. But it's so antithetical to what we believe about the idea of men's sexuality that you risk a punch in the chops over it.

Ladies, don't take it personally. Plus, I probably do want to have sex with you. But maybe something awful happened to me. Please check back in a week.