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"Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

"Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

Grab a Nametag And Tell Us A Little About Yourself - Ah, these early shows of the season are always a little tough to manage. We've been drilling the song "Crazy Train" into the audience's collective brainpans for weeks, but to tell the truth even a Crazy Train needs conductors, beverage service and someone to throw the switches at the right time. However, our job is to introduce a boxcar full of contestants before we can get on the right track, so sanity goes out the window like that tax cheat Wesley Snipes in the 1995 hit *cough* movie Money Train.

We start with the Fans cutting through the chop in a Caramoan catamaran inexplicably named "Vincent". As the Noobies turn a paler shade of green we dissolve to their boring backstories; Red Beard's scary looking, but he's sensitive and he's "gonna play the game." The ex-Marine has been on over 60 combat missions in Iraq and he's going to turn the other players into "lunch meat"... and so on.

Three things become clear in time; 1) my location scouts have managed to find yet another Filipino island armpit we haven't used before, 2) the catamaran is named "Vincent" after Vincent Van Gogh, who once cut off his own ear to avoid seasickness and 3) we still don't have the budget to provide Dramamine pills for anyone.

So the Fans are feeding the fish from the boat and the Favorites are doing the Technicolor Yawn from their helicopters. The only one who is managing his psychotropics and crank adequately is Jiffy Pop Probst, who has climbed to the top of the highest peak he can find and is waving wife Lisa Russell at the helicopters like he's King Kong in Khakis. Gotta love that crazy bastard. I finally get my camera in a position where the two Favorites helicopters come up behind Probst for the signature shot and we're off to the races.

Eventually the Fans fall out of their boat and line up on shore. Jiffy explains that this season is Fans vs. Favorites and they will be playing against some of their favorite Survivors from past seasons. Laura and Allie gasp as Probst introduces Cochran and Brenda. Julia and Hope get weak in the knees when they spot Malcolm. And Michael nearly swoons when he catches sight of Brandon. But as Probst points to the waving Erik, Andrea and Corrine, the Fans seem to draw a blank. "What season?" they mutter. Or "the name doesn't ring a bell." It's a satisfying payoff considering the rental costs for one boat and three expensive helicopters.

"Grab the Ass Ring" - Once the Gotcha and Banal Tribes are established, we waste little time and set up our first Challenge. Two contestants from each tribe stand in our ocean badminton/polo/soccer area and race to grab a life ring from one side and hang it on their tribe's post on the other side. The other tribe tries to stop you.... "any way they can." Oooh, conflict. Reward is a flint, twenty pounds of beans and a gift certificate at Beach, Banana Hammock and Beyond.

They strip down to their shorts or bathing suits, with the exception of Phillip who is contractually obligated to wear his pink Fruit of the Loom-ing Disasters. The first match-up finds Erik and Dawn up against Shamar and Julia. Erik lets Shamar come crashing in and executes a nice screen pass. But the ex-Marine executes an about-face in time to score one for the Fans. The second go 'round pits Hope and Eddie against Brandon and Andrea. It seems that Hope doesn't float and the Faves put one on the board.

The next match up finds Sherri and Michael facing off against Phillip and Brenda. This is punctuated by Shamar screaming "break her wrist!" which causes Jeff Probst to stop the action, stare at him in disbelief and grunt "Huh?" The ex-Marine hastily explained that he meant to say "Break her list... down into manageable objectives and then do your best to stop her forward progress" or perhaps "break her bliss so that her chakras are no longer in perfect alignment." He settled on "uhmm, like 'break her hold.'" Action resumed.

Phillip scores making it 2-1, Faves over Fans. The next set of contestants has the petite Laura smack-talking the even petite-er Cochran. Francesca's score makes it 3-1 for the Favoritas. The power couple of the afternoon turn out to be Malcolm and Reynold who go after each other like it's last call at The Boneyard Bar & Grill. Reynold pulls Malcolm's shorts to half moon, but he's distracted and Malcolm touches another pole to win it for the Favorites. In an effort to foster team unity, Phillip tells them to "bring it in guys", but they unify by ignoring him.

Fighting Over The Fire Is Not A Firefight - Over at the Gotcha camp they walk up their beach and Shamar asks, "Where's our theme music?". They respond with a pretty good rendition of the Survivor soundtrack, but it's going to be a long time before they sit onstage with an audience and a live band. As they discuss the Gotcha To-Do list, Shamar glares at them and shouts, "What's the most important thing?!"Shamar: "Water!"Matt: "Shelter!"Reynold: "Fire!"Michael: "Foreshadowing!"

Shamar decides to sit out this dance, but eventually his Marine-ism kicks in and he organizes a log rubbing party that results in a working fire. He confessionalizes that "It was like being in Iraq and knowing that you've got to get home." Las Vegas bookies are already taking even money that Shamar is going to ram a lot of Iraq and Marine similies into Survivor situations... like ramming a magazine into an AK-47 during a firefight.

Meanwhile, Phillip, Milk of Man-I'm-Nauseous proves that he's learned a lot from studying the Survivor game films. He's heard demanding a second scoop of rice "after everyone else has had some". He also contends that he's created what he calls "The BR (Boston Rob) Rules". (He's created these in much the same way that a parrot creates a sound immediately after hearing something else make the sound.)The BR Rules: 1. Be in an Alliance. 2. Get in an Alliance within an Alliance. 3. Get rid of the Alliance before they get rid of you.

But Boston Rob would add rule number four; you can name a tribe after your wife's stuffed animals, but you shouldn't give people in your alliance cringe-inducing nicknames. I'm pretty sure The Dominatrix and The Intelligencia Attaché would agree with Boston Rob about the Stealthy Undercover Brother known simply as "The Specialist".

Gota Whole Lota Love - Reynold and Allie are collecting stones when Reynold proposes an alliance. He reveals to the camera that Allie may not be "the cutest girl", but she is cool and likeable. He also muses that "Survivor is a game of gut instinct. I think my gut feels good. I think hers does too." It's unclear whether Reynold is going to be feeling Allie's gut any time soon, but Eddie and Hope have declared themselves the best looking people here on Fantasy Island and their Body Heat sleeping arrangement is starting to attract attention.

Tower of Power IC - The Body Heat at Banal is Cochran, who's sunburned from head to toe. At the Immunity Challenge, Jiffy asks when Cochran got so sunburned. Cochran replies "Immediately". But it's the Gotcha tribe that's on fire as they manage to climb up the towers, throw down crates and toss the resulting sandbags into the carnival cups. Malcolm comes up a bit short for Banal and the veterans will go to their first Tribal Council.

Back at camp, the Favorites start to scramble, plot to split the vote and wonder if Phillip found some sort of HII. The leading contenders for eviction are Andrea and Francesca, who threatens to eat a rock and/or drown herself in the ocean if she is the first one voted out again.

It turns out that she has brunch plans and a long swim ahead of her. Francesca Hogi, the attorney from Brooklyn, NY is the first one voted out of Survivor: Caramoan.

3. "RE: Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

Hello, here we are to kick off another season of Survivor (What number is it this time? I’m pretty sure it’s in the high twenties by now), with me, your oh-so-accurate you that wouldn’t believe spoiler, and handsome, too, at your service.

I still have my bevy of truly raunchy (in a good raunchy way, also in a very bad way) girl reporters who excel at finding the deep down dirt, and they do it in the nude. Shows off their kissable little bullet holes, knife scars, and stiches. So adorable.

Due to legal circumstances beyond my control, I’ve had to change my alias once again, so just call me Ivan. Ivan t’Noah Moor. My fake family are Russian Moors that arrived in an Ark by way of t’ Noahistan, if you must know.

So, as for our gullible little rodents (Survivor wanabees), half of this year’s crop are former failures from previous seasons, and the other half are newbies, or as I like to refer to them, future failures. The future failures against the former failures. What fun.

As for the former failures, did they learn anything during their previously failed Survivor excursions? And after their personal failures, did they learn anything from watching other survivors fail? Did they gain any insight at all? Are they more self-reflective, or are they still the narcissistic boneheads that look on a glass that’s half empty and see that it’s everyone else’s fault that the water is gone?

What do you think?

Fr'esca/FANta/ Fresqua Francesca Hogi

In her own words (hey, this snark business is easy, just get these people to say something, and the stuff just writes itself):

Q: Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR?:

A:“I’m tenacious.”

Conclusion: Nope. Not the reflective sort.

First castaway voted out at Redemption Island, and her claim to fame is that she’s tenacious. (I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means, whatever that is).

Spoiler Alert: Franchesca goes out in first place. Again. In Survivor, that means worst place. She has defined for herself a special place in the Survivor Hall of Shame.

But that was just mean. I was prepared to post the above in regard to Franchesca, but after that, I feel bad. Not too bad to erase the post, but still, bad. Sort of.

Apparently, the term “flying under the radar” isn’t in her makeup, she did the same thing this time that she did last time, with the same results. You can’t help but like her, and feel sympathy, but to let a goofball like Phillip get the best of her twice…TWICE!…, well, hope for our girl begins to fade.

Free Sigpics by TribePhil at the "Be the Surivor" thread in Survivor Bashers. Sign up now!

18. "RE: Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

I told you that you should have stayed with me. I'm Jiffy's favorite, don't you know that? If you had been next to me, you would have had some camera time... maybe an elbow here, a knee there...just to prove you exist.

6. "RE: Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

LAST EDITED ON 02-15-13 AT 05:46 PM (EST)

Here's what my undercover (per their preference) spoiler spies dug up on a couple of past failures (also known as this year's 'Favorites').

Andrea 'Boink-Me' Boehlke

Conclusion: Dumb as a coconut (apologies to Suzzee). But not hard to watch as she trips down a sudsy beach, hair flying in the breeze, hips and breasts swaying to that Reggae beat...

But when you read that among her pet peeves are: ”New York men who cat-call women as we walk by. I don’t understand what that accomplishes.” Really, Andrea? You don’t understand what that is all about? No clue at all?

But I hope she stays a while, I have a fondness for Reggae.

Erik Reichenbach (Don’t make me spell that again).

Conclusion: Eric, Eric, Eric. Tu no comprendes. Since his earlier failure on Survivor (A spectacular failure, one that is still ringing in the annals of the Survivor Failuredom Hall of Shame. He gave James Clements someone to laugh derisively at. Barely.), Eric has graduated professionally from being a Tee Shirt designer to a being a comic book artist. Self published in crayon no doubt.

Still, you know, watching him try to out-fail his earlier epic failure will be fun. However, since he has yet to produce my Raunchy Girl Tee Shirts, I wish him the most miserable luck possible. We could‘a got rich! We could’a been somebody! Instead of the bums that we are!

Free Sigpics by TribePhil at the "Be the Surivor" thread in Survivor Bashers. Sign up now!

7. "RE: Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

It is so goooooood to be back on an island again! Too bad my boy Matt couldn't make it this time. * SIGH* Guess I'll have to hang out with Malcolm this season. He's kinda cute and his long hair reminds me of Matt.

I'm going to play it safe this season and fly under the Specialist's coattails aka *Pink* underwear. It's what he said when we hit the beach. I know I can bear his unbearable company for the next 31 days. After all, I bore it before. * SCHEMES * If I go to the end with Phillip, I can win! No one will vote for him. So that's my plan. And if I have to drag Malcolm with me, so be it. I will.

Can't believe I'm already in the crosshairs of Brandon. That JackA$$ has it in for beautiful women. Fiddle.dee.dee - I'm not worried -- after all, the Specialist has my back!

16. "RE: Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

Here's a little inside info on a couple of Feebs.

Cochran. Yeah, he has a first name. Not important. He’s Cochran.

Conclusion: When he was the sock puppet for the Coach he was irritating/amusing.

But in his own words:

Q: Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR?A:“Having played once before, I know the sorts of mistakes I’m susceptible to making. I didn’t win the last time I played and I have no desire to repeat history. I still know more about Survivor than virtually anyone else who’s ever played the game. Now I feel more mentally and psychologically prepared to put my theoretical knowledge of the game into practice.”

In a word, No. Sorry Charlie. You’re still the same, mentally, psychologically, physically, and your theory of the game is no better than when you failed previously. No. And we have more knowledgeable students of the game on these boards that you.

BTW, I met Charle, I knew him well. And Cochran is no Charlie.

Corinne Kaplan

Conclusion: Finally, we get to My Girl. Not a Raunchy Girl, yet, but there’s promise. (Well, Andrea’s my girl too. And maybe a couple of the Newbies And Brenda. Hey, a guy can have more than one girl!). Anyway, she’s my girl too, because of her attitude:

Q: Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR?A: ”I don’t have any insecurities. It is my experience that everyone else who plays this game is riddled with them. I plan to break them down and eat them alive.”

Atta girl! Go get’em! And hints of mad lesbian sex do not a bad season make. Must remember to sign up for ‘Survivor After Dark’ this year.

Free Sigpics by TribePhil at the "Be the Surivor" thread in Survivor Bashers. Sign up now!

23. "RE: Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

LAST EDITED ON 02-19-13 AT 12:28 PM (EST)

Spoiler Alert:

The Great and Terrible Wizard of Ooze (and offical favorite torture subject at the Really Really raunchy school for Really Really Raunchy ladies), the EPMB, (and due credit to Suz) has officially renamed 'First Place' (as in 'Evicted First") to 'Franchesca (or Fracesca, or Franquesta, or Fankeska, or...whatever) place'.

From this point on, anyone who becomes the first evictee will receive the official "Worst Survivor Franchesca Award".

Kinda like the 'Lombardy Trophy', but for incompetence instead of superiority. For losingest instead of winningest.

Free Sigpics by TribePhil at the "Be the Surivor" thread in Survivor Bashers. Sign up now!

27. "RE: Be The Survivor: S26 Ep01: "R-E-S-P USMC- Find Out What It Means To Me""

A Hantz.

Genus: Brandon.

Conclusion: This is Brandon’s second chance, and well, he’s a Hantz. He’s his own special brand of Hantz, but they all have that Hantz consistency (read ‘aroma’), they’re all bat ding dong crazy idiot self-deceiving failures.

Nuff said.

Phillip ‘Panty Party’ (in a bad way) Sheppard

From watching the previews it is evident that his wearing of his red panties during Redemption Island wasn’t because he just forgot to pack a bathing suit. Because he’s wearing them again. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

OK. I’m back, kinda had a bad moment there.

Conclusion: Still the clueless idiot he showed himself to be in his season. And no, I still don’t believe he was a federal agent, no matter how many cousins he plants in the final reunion audience to swear that he is. No how, no way.

A perfect final 3 goat, but no $1 Mill for you.

Malcolm Freberg

Got beat by a girl named Denise. A little girl. Well, a smallish woman. Small but wiry and strong. Actually though, it is no shame to have played a superb game and still been bested by the best Survivor there ever was, a woman who played with more intelligence and emotional balance than had ever been seen before in the history of the game. Just bad luck for Malcolm on that score and odds are that he isn’t competing against anyone of that calibre (that for Starshine) this time.

Added to that is the fact that he’ll be the favorite of all the women (and of our superb gamesman and sig artiste, TribeTeal).

Conclusion: Malcolm might just pull it off this time.

Free Sigpics by TribePhil at the "Be the Surivor" thread in Survivor Bashers. Sign up now!

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