Incredible Illuminati Plot Destroys Ohio Brewery

Friday’s incredible explosion that destroyed a 134-year-old Budweiser brewery in Westerville, Ohio “was the work of the Hollywood-controlled Illuminati,” says Ohio Governor’s Office. The August 13 explosion caused a “snow storm” 23 inches deep made up entirely of frozen Bud Light Beer effectively “shutting down the entire northern third of Columbus, Ohio, the state capitol,” said Governor John Kasich.

Snow plows have proven entirely ineffective at removing the two-foot -deep, 3.2 % beer “snow” due to a legion of drunken beer drinkers who have clogged the streets to fill buckets, wheel barrows and even pickup trucks with the frozen lager and “local police have entirely given up attempting to control the mobs of beer drinkers and all traffic has been stopped from Shrock Road and State Street in the north of Columbus all the way to High Street, or Route 23 in the city of Worthington,” says Ohio’s Republican Governor John Kasich.

Kasich called out the Ohio National Guard to restore order in the two suburban frozen Columbus villages but “nearly all the local guardsmen have deserted to join the rioters,” Kasich told reporters at a news conference today.

Kasich declared a state of emergency and appealed to President Barack Obama for “regular US Army troops and heavy equipment to assist in clearing the affected roadways and to assist the state police in restoring order” the Governor said. The President refused to involve the US Army in this “entirely local and temporary issue, because the today’s August temperature of 86 degrees will thaw the beer anyway.”

Kasich said he’d “received a communication reputed to be from Beyoncé Knowles, the Illuminati’s Grand High Naked Chick that promised: “Further acts of sabotage against Columbus area businesses beginning August 18 if the Illuminati’s demands are not met.”

“Beyoncé’s demands included $100-milllion dollars in gold bars and a demand that the name of the state of Ohio be changed to ‘Ted,’” Kasich said. Additionally, the governor continued, “The Illuminati Manifesto must be taught to all Ohio public school children and, finally, Columbus must change its name to ‘Tittyville.’ No reason was given for those particular demands,” he told the assembled reporters. The state was given only 24 hours to meet the new demands or a “tsunami will rise from the Great Lakes to destroy Cleveland,” the demand letter stated.

This morning, Governor Kasich called an emergency session of the Ohio House and Senate to discuss “how to effect all the changes demanded by the Illuminati,” said a spokesman for the governor who had to be escorted from the press conference after he broke down and began sobbing uncontrollably.

A state senator, who spoke to Café Spike on condition of anonymity, said: “So far as I can see at this point, the only complaints by voters I’ve heard is that the Illuminati had not caused a beer snowstorm of a better beer, like Lowenbrau.”

Café Spike will stay on the scene throughout the crisis. We will keep you informed.