Family

by Julie Branstetter, Th.B.

Elm City, Nc

Welcome to my family blog. I have been a 'stay at home mom' from the time I gave birth to my first daughter in 2002. I started homeschooling in 2013. I am a Christian mom and often find much of my encouragement through my faith. My writing is inspired by Scripture. Then there are the things that we ladies learn from experience. Once you've been married with children for a number of years you pick up a few nuggets of wisdom. I am so thankful for the help I have gained from other parents and couples over the years. I hope these articles will also enlighten and encourage you in the same way. Guest posting is always welcomed.

This is what I have learned in the last few
weeks. It's something I knew once before but what we do not practice we
lose. Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, mentor, Sunday
school teacher, etc... this is the truth for the way to deal with
children and their behavior at home, in the classroom, etc.

I believe in offering rewards for good behavior to children. I believe
they should be small rewards with short term goals in mind. For
example for a week of good behavior the reward will be a trip to the
park to play or a tube of lip gloss (which you can get for $1 at the
dollar store) or extra time playing a board game with mom and dad over
the weekend. Rewards do not have to be extravagant and the smaller and
easier they are they more consistent the parent can be in giving them.

Children LIKE to accomplish things, the reward is actually secondary
to them. They don't realize it, but they want to please their parents
and the result of a proud parent is a greater reward to them than the
little prize they received. My girls love to stop at the gas station
and get a push-up which might cost .50 cents each. I can handle that
and working to get it and being able to easily obtain it is just icing
on the cake, but in the meantime they are learning good behavior and a
good work ethic. Giving extravagant things to our children all the
time, especially when they have not been behaving well, only spoils them
into thinking they should get whatever they want and when they want it
which is always RIGHT NOW! We don't want to raise children like this.
This doesn't mean you never give them anything really nice or
extravagant, but let the cause meet the timing. This blog post is more
about withholding than giving. Withholding causes more problems than
people might be aware of. Do you go to work everyday for no reason at
all? Then we shouldn't expect anything different for our children. As
they grow older we can begin to explain to them the spiritual rewards
and self esteem rewards that come with good deeds as well. But as a
child, monetary rewards are something they can see and understand
clearly. It is something we can regularly repeat and that allows us to
train them. One instance is not training, training is a process.
Because of their age and the extent of what they still need to learn in
life learning to do good to earn the things they want is good practice
for being an adult. Even God rewards those who live in obedience to
Him. There is no higher example than God. But if we are not consistent
and clear with our children even a well intended offer of reward can
start trouble.

HERE IS THE MAIN POINT: >>
If a child has the promise of a reward dangled in front of them and
finds out over a course of time that what they have to do to win that
reward is close to impossible NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY ACTUALLY TRY FOR
IT then they will forget about the reward and not even try anymore.
Punishment for not trying will not make them try or try harder.
Punishment should be reserved for out right defiance so long as WE are
not the cause of it. Let's be honest as parents with ourselves and make
sure WE are not causing some of the problems. Are we modeling bad
behavior? Does our skepticism run out of our mouths and into their ears
in a way that taints and stains their hearts and minds to be
distrusting or judgmental of everything? Yes, the first step in dealing
with bad behavior in our children is always to check our own and be
very very honest with ourselves first. Punishment is the end of the
road not the first resort because it rarely fixes a problem, it simply
responds to a problem. They may try the first time or two to avoid
punishment, but once the reality sets in again that the reward cannot be
obtained, they will regress right back into that bad behavior and begin
to accept both the failure and the punishment. This is why repeated
punishment loses it's affect. The threat of punishment doesn't work as a
deterrent anymore. It just creates more and more and more
discouragement and frustration. It's the recipe for creating a
monster! They will accept that they won't ever get the reward AND they
will go ahead and take punishment and begin to act out worse than
before. With repeated punishment comes frustration over something they
cannot obtain so they will act out in defiance because the truth is we
have expected something of them that is unreasonable, unfair, and
ungenerous.
Don't offer rewards to kids if they can't obtain them and
don't frustrate them with punishment for not obtaining something
unreasonable. Each child's personality is different, be reasonable and be
GENEROUS with rewards. When that child has done THEIR best, even if when
compared to a different child with a different personality they didn't
succeed as well, they should still obtain a reward for progressing.
They should not be compared to anyone but themselves; where they were,
where they are and where they are going. It's okay to pat a kid on the
back and give a reward if they accomplish only part of a task that you
know they tried to accomplish. Consider the accomplishment, not how far
you have left to go. And be reasonable in goal setting. Set
obtainable goals. Don't expect to accomplish everything in a day or in a
week. Now think about how generous God is to us even though we aren't
perfect yet. He rewards us along the way. He teaches us one day at a
time. He deals with us according to who we are and who He created us to
be, not according to our neighbor. Children don't usually tend to be
outwardly defiant for no reason at all. Either there is tension in
home, neglect, even certain kinds of food additives can cause children
to act erratically, but there is a reason and the adult is the one who
has to figure it out and work the situation in the right way for the
right outcome. Who's in charge? You are! So if you don't like what
you are getting from your kids, then start really paying attention and
figure out what is causing the problem and fix it. They aren't going to
because you were ordained for that job and no one else can or will do
it for you. With God, all things are possible. Begin to pray over what
is bothering you and how to solve the problem. God WILL show you an
answer!!