Friday, December 3, 1999

I find myself struggling in the war against myself...to accept myself, to appreciate who I am, and to see the beauty and goodness in myself. My struggles lately are of self-hatred and loathing of the lack of self-control I seem to have with food, exercise, the things that I prided myself so much on. This time a year ago I had so much more that made me feel positive about who I am. I was independent, I was fit, and I was taking care of myself. And today, well today I feel slovenly and fat, and unable to regain control of my body, my habits, and get myself back to a place that I can be proud of. I'm not sure why it is I've gotten so far from that place of self-confidence and self-assurance. And what terrifies me most is how that is changing my relationship with the man I love. My self-esteem and confidence are low, and I have difficulty believing his sincerity that the weight I have gained has no bearing on how he feels about me, how attracted to me he is or is not. To me, it is all I can see...it is just short of being all that I am. I can't imagine that it isn't first and foremost in his mind. I realize in typing that how unbelievably shallow that sounds, but it's all that fills my mind. That I am not slim, I am not toned, my body is not defined, I'm not something he or I can feel proud of. My body is currently the result of poor eating habits, lack of self-control, and inactivity. I am not the person I was...and I don't know where she went. I am not the person I felt proud of, I am not the woman who felt accomplished and bright and funny and sexy. I am back to being dumpy and frumpy, and emotional and insecure. The word F.I.N.E. comes to mind. And all of this, well, all of this is most unattractive to a partner...at least that is what is in my mind. All of the things Rob fell in love with me for are not there anymore. I am becoming clingy and irritable and quite frankly, I don't think I would want to be around me, so why should he? And the worse my thoughts and moods and predicament become, the more convinced I become that he will eventually leave me, and the more I believe that, the more I seem to become someone who should be left. My actions and my words are not understanding and kind -- they come out sounding harsh and judgemental. I know they come from my fear of being hurt, of being left, of finally trusting someone again to really love me, only to find out one day that he can't stand to be with me anymore, or thinks I'm not worth the work, and he leaves. I'd rather be alone by my own hand than wait for that to happen. And I know this hurts Rob, to hear these things. I wish I could explain to him, somehow, that he might understand that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. He seems to think that I would be better to at least have loved and been loved than to just walk away. And for me, I would rather die than be hurt again as I was before. Sometimes I miss the "comfortableness" of being with my ex-husband. I get trapped in the thought that he accepted me no matter what my weight or fitness. And then I realize that this is part of some distorted reality I'm dealing with. I think about the trade-offs made for that acceptance -- or so it seemed. I was accepted by a man (or is it really more that he would not leave the security of having me?) who was not there, who did things that hurt me very badly, who had so many troubles of his own he has struggled to get his own life in order. I guess I saw it as "you have your crap, I have mine, so I guess it's ok because we're both just messed up." It's as though his problems made my problems ok...neither one of us was really all that great of a catch at the time in many ways. I have a man now who that fell in love with a svelte, fit, sexy woman. A woman who was much more self-confident. I see Rob as normal, healthy, not having these sorts of obsessions and problems, and I feel convinced that the issues I have will eventually drive him away...he will think "I'm outta here lady...you're nuts." I am afraid I am becoming something he cannot and will not love -- and it has nothing to do with him. I am becoming someone/something that is crazy, annoying, irrational. I swore to myself I would never go through this again with my weight and my body. I swore that I would die before I would do this again. And here I am, struggling to regain some sense of control, and am at a loss for how to do that. My eating is compulsive. My knee does not tolerate exercise well anymore, yet I used to be able to push myself to exercise in spite of pain. I liked the results so much...I hated the exercise but loved what it did for me. I am at a loss...I don't know how to fix this...I don't know how to regain what I had, that drive, that motivation. I don't know how to become a woman I feel good about again. My urge and inclination are to push the world away and hole myself up somewhere. The only problem with that is that I know how lonely that becomes. So my choices now are deal with the fear, somehow, some way, or hide away. I'm not doing so well with the fear.

Monday, July 26, 1999

Sometimes I sit here and think about you for what seems likes hours...and I smile to myself...because I think of your smile, your gentle touch, your sweet and soothing voice, your arms around me, or something silly you said or did, or that really cute grin you have when you know I am being evil in some way, and you want to know how. I think about kissing you, and how I get that warm rush when I think about being with you, or when I remember just how your touch felt to me. I wonder in amazement at your patience and understanding with me...and I wonder how I managed to be so incredibly lucky...how did I manage to be the one you picked? I think about you and I start to cry with joy because you are everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for...and all the lonely times I spent no longer matter, because I held out...and it was not in vain. Yes indeed, sometimes I know just how blessed I am...and I am grateful, truly and deeply grateful for you. I love you Rob.

Wednesday, July 14, 1999

You are the relieving sighAt the end of trying day.You are the warmth of the sunAs it lights my faceIn the crisp, clear, deep blue skiesOf a brisk autumn day.You are the earthy, soothing, smoky smellOf a fire burning in some distant hearth.You are a cool, gentle breezeOn the hottest of summer days.You are a warm, soft towelWrapped around a cool, wet body,Providing dry warmth.

You are the smile on your little girl's face,The twinkling light in her blue eyes,The laughter that crosses her lips.You are the golden glow of energyThat radiates from her tiny body.You are her soft fingertipsHeld gently against my cheek.You are the awe and wonderI see on her face,Day after day.

You are my partner.You are my passion.You share my hopes and dreams.You are my confidante.You hear my deepest, darkest secrets.You hear my fears.You are the reason I can cry without worry.You are the reason I feel safe at night.You are the reason I feel loved.

Thursday, July 1, 1999

Though most of my days are pretty upbeat, from time to time I hit "patches" where my self-confidence wanes, my outlook is a bit more bleak than usual, and I get myself into a funk. I find myself in this state now...and I am struggling to rid myself of the mood, the melancholia, that is making me feel about as gray and chilled as the skies and climate outside my window.

I have recently made some pretty major changes in my life. About two months ago, I left my job of 4.5 years, picked up my belongings and moved...to a new state where a good job opportunity awaited me and where I would be much closer to the man I love and adore. The move itself, packing, changing utilities over and whatnot, was all very stressful...but I must admit, I find it less stressful than what I am experiencing now. The upheaval of my household was temporary...the bills are sort of dying down...financially things are beginning to fall back into place...the boxes are all gone...the pictures are all hung.

What I find most disturbing are two things. In my new job, which I do still believe to be a wonderful growth opportunity for me, I am not meeting my own expectations for learning and contributing to this company. What is more, I fear that I may not be meeting my employer's expectations either. That leaves me uncertain, my confidence a bit shaky. The training I was expecting has not really happened...as my supervisor told me the other day, they have sort of fallen short in that. My gut feeling though, is that their expectation of my "taking the ball and running with it" may have been a bit overzealous, but nonetheless they still expect I should be learning. I am not the best "self-taught" individual...I do not learn well with just a book in hand. I hope the chat my supervisor and I had is not an indication they are ready to "abandon ship" with me. I have never been fired and it is not something that I would like to experience...though I suppose if it happens, it was meant to be yet another learning experience for me and I will deal with. Thankfully I would not have to deal with it alone.

My second uneasiness comes from feeling a bit "lost" without my close and dear friends who were merely 10 minutes away before. We still keep in touch regularly...we probably actually communicate more now than we did before because we make a concerted effort to chat now and then. But I miss knowing that I can jump in my car and just drive 10 minutes and be having coffee with my closest friend. Charlene and her hubby Rich have been my touchstones for the past 7+ years...they have been there no matter what catastrophe or joy is heaped upon my doorstep. I have the support and love of Rob up here...without it, I would be lost. But I am missing those friends who are "mine" as I have yet to make any of my own living here. The friends that I do have here are, of course, valuable to me. Not to claim they are not cherished. But my sense of independence is lacking...I am not settled enough or not adventurous enough, I am not sure which yet. I am struggling to feel self-sufficient emotionally. That scares me...I do not want, nor do I think it is healthy, to rely on just one person for my emotional support. I realize it will take time to make new friends. And it is unrealistic to expect those friendships to be as tried and true, at least immediately, as those I have developed over the past 9 years.

I wonder sometimes if I have adequately expressed my gratitude for the friendships that I have. I hope that those I love, and who apparently love me, realize how much their words of encouragement and love mean to me right now. I find myself needing them so much.

Monday, May 24, 1999

This morning I kissed you goodbye.And it seems an eternityBefore I will kiss your lips hello again.Though only hours pass between the time together,Each moment with you is delightful, exciting, alive.I miss you more than words can express.There are times my eyes swell with tears,Reflecting on the joy you have brought into my life.

I am afraid, at once, for the intensity of what I feel.These feelings violate the promise made to myself years ago.A promise to protect, to rebuild my fortress,To shield my heart from another heartbreak.

Then I close my eyes.And I see your eyes before me,Looking into mine,Conveying a warm caress,A tenderness of heart.The swells of emotion and memories reassure me.There is nothing I would not give to have you in my life,To hold and embrace you within my heart.

Your touch, your soothing voice, your calm manner,I would not trade these for all the mountaintops.Nor would I trade your love for the enticing and invigorating breeze,Felt upon my skin as I stand atop a hillside,The warmth of the sun penetrating my body.I would not give your love away for a rushing brook,Or the soothing sound of the retreating surf on a pebble beach.

The mountains, the breeze, and the surfHave always been a part of my life.And they brought me joy and peace.And now that I have you to share them with,They seem even more beautiful and calming,Restoring my serenity.

Thursday, February 18, 1999

I have thought often about sharing what I have written on this site with certain members of my family. Most, to this day, don’t know the site even exists. My fear has always been that it would be read and its content would wound. That is not the intention of these pages, yet it is a possible reaction/result of its ingestion. Recently my mom visited with family. While there, they attempted to find my website, which my mother knows exists, but I had never given her the URL. I’m not quite sure I remember telling her that its content was rather serious, intense, etc. But, the other day she e-mailed me and mentioned they had searched for the address to no avail. I considered glossing over the comment, and not addressing it. And then I thought about it and decided to share it with my mom…I made that decision for a variety of reasons.

While the content of these pages is an honest portrayal of my experiences, and my feelings and thoughts surrounding those experiences, others may not share that same perspective. And until now, I think I was more afraid of the conflict it might arouse than the closeness it might encourage. Nothing in these pages is news to my mom…she lived through these experiences with me…she was part of them. I realized though, that in the past several years, I am not the only person who has done a lot of work and soul searching. My mother has been working very hard on herself as well…and it is evidenced clearly in how our relationship has developed and matured. I respect and love her for the strides she has made and the openness she has tried to nurture in herself with regards to my experiences and feelings. By no means is our relationship perfect, but it’s honest, it’s pretty open, and it improves all the time.

My mom may be reading this soon, as well as reading the other things which are here. I write this in part for her to know how I feel about her, but also for you as the reader to understand how relationships evolve and how much things really have changed for me over the years. I don’t live in isolation, I do not change without witnessing and sometimes affecting changes in others…and that is a two-way street. Others change and I change in response to those changes…sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I have thanked many people on these pages for their support, kindness, and love. There is another person who needs thanking here…for sticking by me, for loving me, for working so hard to better herself and as a result be a better parent/person. I love you mom, and I thank you for being my mom through it all.