Archive for October, 2012

The Disney corporation has announced that it will be taking over Lucasfilm in a £2.5bn deal, which it promises will mean “A new Star Wars film every two months for the next seventy years”.

Lucasfilm, the production company of George Lucas, is most famous for blowing the unmitigated goodwill of the entirety of Earth’s cinema-going public, with three prequel films so godawful that they almost destroyed Western civilization as we know it.

The news that Disney will be helming the series from now on has met with mixed reactions from the franchise’s enormous fanbase.

Grudulphus Parseghian, an unemployed film buff who recently legally changed his name from Tim Twanks, said “Personally I know for a fact that these films are going to be terrible, and I have spent the last four hours saying so on all of my blogs. I mean, what the Falcon does Disney know about the Kessel Spice Mines? Or the Jedi Praxeum on Yavin 4?”

Not just the princess’s sister: Pippa is also well known for her incredible buns

Hello everyone! Following the fab success of my party planner’s guide, ‘Celebrate’, I was approached again by Penguin, and offered another half million pounds to write another book. Isn’t that brilliant?!

After some meetings (which were lovely!), which we held in Claridge’s tearooms, we decided to do a book specially for all those brainiacs who keep us all so safe and happy with their brilliant ruling.

And I don’t mean just my sister! I’m talking about all those dear men who make all those laws and stuff. I am sure they know what they are doing, but we could all do with a few tips from time to time couldn’t we, and half a million smackeroos sounds good to me, so what the hey, I’ve written a book just for them! Lovely!

New research carried out for accountants KPMG indicates that only twenty per cent of the population are earning below the living wage, despite the considerable efforts of the coalition government to increase the figures.

Dick Head, of the conservative thinktank PURGE, said “What this data proves is that as few as five million people have been successfully pushed into subsistence. This is a real blow for advocates of austerity measures.

“Far too many people are still solvent, or are coping without running up massive debts. The Prime Minister is going to have some very tough questions to answer this morning.

“One of the most terrible catastrophes to hit the United States since Pearl Harbor (the film)”

A new blockbuster epic by Roland Emmerich, ‘The Morning Before and then A Bit During It, Then Followed by the Day After’ is due to take American cinema-goers by storm this morning as it opens in theatres across the East coast of the US.

The film has been described by Emmerich as “A portrait, a biopic really. A film that really explores the personality of Sandy”.

‘The Morning Before and then A Bit During It, Then Followed by the Day After’ is only the first in a new wave of American films that will depict the horrors of catastrophic events, shortly before they actually happen.

Gentlemen, thank you for joining me for this meeting of the Executive Board of the Press Complaints Commission.
I hope that this location did not prove too inconvenient. However, I think it is safe to say that placing our centre of operations here, in the centre of this volcano’s caldera, will pay dividends in the long run. It is powered entirely by geothermal energy, and is a net contributor to the electricity grid – burnishing our green credentials. It is also impregnable in the event of an armed assault from the Japanese and British secret services.

You will note the large numbers of men running around below us, wearing brightly coloured jump suits and hard hats. Not only are they fearless PCC investigators – tasked to carry out no-holds-barred reviews of complaints made against member titles – but they are also trained in hand to hand combat. If pressed, I would say that it was highly unlikely that they will all be killed by indiscriminate machine gun fire, or by being thrown off of very high gantries that lack safety handrails.

Less than a week before the date of the US election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has raised eyebrows by offering a full endorsement for his opponent, President Obama.

“Let me be clear about this,” said Mr. Romney, appearing in front of a crowd of crazed gun enthusiasts high on PCP, and flanked by his eleven identical sons Pulk, Tarp, Rudd, Gimp, Gulp, Waft, Dimp, Trank, Blomp, Blump and Saddam, “There is only one man who can help America to heal its wounds, to maintain its place on the world stage, and to get big government off the back of our hard-working families.”

“That person sure as hell isn’t me. My only claim to fame is having organised one of the Winter Olympics. Me being President would be like Seb Coe being British Prime Minister. I mean, Seb fucking Coe!”

Generally speaking you know just what you’re going to get from a sequel to a popular and successful film: more of the same. No new ideas, just the old ones rehashed into a very slightly different narrative, ensuring that the target audience remains happy and satisfied. But when you get to the third film in a series, from time to time you can, just sometimes, get something uniquely surprising – a real departure that throws the original films on their heads. As Wes Craven tells us in Scream 3 – all bets are off.

Madagascar 3 bursts onto the screen well and truly in this category: a film series reimagined beyond all expectations of audience and critics alike.

Instead of animation in bright primary colours, what we find in Madagascar 3 is grainy CCTV footage, in washed out tones. And instead of animals on the search for some imagined utopian home who end up getting embroiled in wacky adventures, the protagonists are a couple who appear to be suffering from some kind of haunting or demonic possession.

The new leaders of what will become the PRC Broadcasting Corporation have promised a series of intensive measures to stimulate growth and promote modernisation. Repeats of Morecambe and Wise shows and the Good Life have been deemed ‘Unlikely’.

As the Savile scandal continues to undermine confidence in the BBC, Chris Patten, the corporation’s chairman, has stepped forward to perform his customary role.

Following yesterday’s grilling of the director general, George Entwistle, by the culture, media and sport select committee, Patten reportedly felt that zealous MPs were damaging the integrity and independence of the BBC beyond repair.

He told reporters today “For many years the relationship between the BBC and the British people has been one of sometimes difficult, but always rewarding, encounters.

“It is with sadness for the past, but hope and confidence for the future, that I, as the Last Govern- sorry, as the Last Chairman, formally cede the BBC to the People’s Republic of China.

It has long been suggested that badgers have tool-using capabilities, but unfortunately no one investigating the claim has ever lived long enough to present any evidence.

The Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police Service, Bernard Hogan-Howe, has expressed concerns about the manner in which the government has delayed its planned badger cull.

Environment Secretary Owen Paterson took the extremely unusual step of announcing the postponement of the policy via a video-link to the House of Commons.

Police are investigating reports from MPs that Paterson “Looked positively bedraggled, his eyes were red-rimmed, and he sounded hoarse, as if he had been screaming or sobbing.”

Eyewitnesses said that “The minister appeared to be in some sort of underground hole, he was crouched in a small space, covered in mud, and surrounded by tree roots hanging down from a low ceiling. He spoke haltingly, frequently wincing, as if experiencing jolts of pain, and told MPs that under no circumstances should the badger cull go ahead this year.”

Paterson then gave a strained homily about the badger, which he called “The noblest of animals, superior to us in every way. Beautiful, sleek, and with a pleasantly pungent aroma.”