The GOP Flying Circus: a nomination race worthy of Monty Python

2011 will be remembered as the year of the Republican Flying Circus, a parade of absurdity, clownishness and gutter standards unlike anything ever seen in American politics. I’m really starting to wonder if any of the candidates really want to be President – Mitt Romney’s naked ambition not withstanding – or are they all just a bunch of self-promoting blowhards?

Let’s look first at the early front-runner, Donald Trump. No one embodies the Flying Circus better than the Donald. His early ascension to the top of the Republican wish list was a sign of the nuttiness to come; that he’d even be considered a contender illustrates how low the bar has been set. Knowing Trump, his first act in the White House would be to add some neon to the front facade and set up a casino in the Roosevelt Room. America Inc. at its crassest.

Speaking of low standards, it’s hard to believe, with everything we’ve found out about Sarah Palin since 2008, that she’d even be considered. Yet the drama of her non-announcement about running for President gained her months of free publicity. Oh Sarah, what tidbit will you drivel next on your Facebook page? How long can you milk the tit of political donation before taking the loot back to Alaska? We found out the answer to that question.

With the grifters promoting their reality shows and book deals out of the way, presumably the Republicans would get down to the serious business of choosing a candidate. I mean, they hate President Obama so much, you’d think they’d be really careful not to belch up another Bob Dole or John McCain to ultimately lose the election.

But no, next on the sacrificial altar fell the Wonder from Minnesoter, Michelle Bachmann. Her path to Vice-President followed Palin’s 4-inch fuck-me pumps – yes, she ran for President, but the job she really auditioned for is the role Palin defined: religious vixen to stand next to some white man destined to be the nominee. She’s a truly odd duck, and her moment in the spotlight lasted about as long as a summer vacation before the Menace from Texas stole her thunder.

There could be no doubt that Republicans were looking to dance with anyone but Mitt Romney when Rick Perry waltzed on the scene. Anyone! They knew what a cesspool Texas had become under Perry, a politician so craven he’d sell the Governor’s Mansion to the highest bidder if he could. But as soon as he said “I do” he shot to the top. Perry looked impressive at first in tightly controlled environments. His swagger and Texas charm gave Republicans a wet dream of another Texan like Bush to lead the march to Hell. It’s a dream that became a sticky mess when Perry blew his wad before even getting naked, exposed as nothing more than a perfect hairdo during the rough-and-tumble of scripted Republican debates.

Who’s next, Joe the Plumber? I can see it now: I, Joe the Plumber, do solemnly swear to keep the pipes of Democracy flowing free and clear….

Actually, Herman Cain is only a notch away on the Ridiculous Meter. The pizza guy and self-proclaimed brother of the Koch brothers is the perfect antidote to President Obama for Republicans: a black man who speaks the language of the rich and white. Another Clarence Thomas type that hides his true nature beneath the color of his skin. Cain seemed genial enough in the early debates, when he could spout a few business school platitudes and sound like the wisdom he’d gained from running a pizza chain was somehow preparation to run the country. It’s a huge leap, and Republicans were willing to make it, lifting Cain to the top of the polls as the conservative alternative to Romney … until the basic scrutiny given to every serious contender quickly rattled the skeletons in Cain’s closet.

Come on, Republicans. It’s obvious that Cain is not on stage to win; he’s there to raise his speaking fees and lift his stock as a commentator. Has anyone really asked what the guy did between Godfather’s pizza and running for President? I’ll tell you: he was a lobbyist! His office and email address were linked to the political operation of the Koch brothers. Palin is more qualified to be President than Cain, and she’s far from qualified.

So it’s getting near the end of the night and only three girls are left who could possibly be voted Queen of the Republican prom. All are men, of course. Ron Paul is the ugly girl who’s really smart, always tells the truth, and would only be picked the winner if a meteor wiped out every other candidate including the ones off-stage like Huntsman and Johnson. So Republicans held their nose and stuck out a hand to the Newt. Newt Gingrich, the idea man, as he likes to bill himself. The intellectual among the entertainers. He rose to the top because Republicans are getting desperate that they’ll be stuck with the unthinkable. But President Newton Leroy Gingrich is unthinkable for most of America. It’ll never happen. As someone once said, Newt is a stupid man’s idea of what a smart man is supposed to be.

Then there’s poor Mitt Romney, the Cinderella who rode a pumpkin to the Ball instead of a limo. Can Republican voters make any clearer that they’d take ANYONE over Mitt? He’s the pretty girl that everyone knows cheated on her boyfriend with the female volleyball coach and had the audacity to even show up at the dance and pretend like she doesn’t eat pussy. A long time ago, Romney said seven little words that forever branded him in the minds of Republican voters: I support a woman’s right to choose. He doesn’t have the conservative credential that is most important. He could end up as the Republican nominee by default.

I guess we’re back to Joe the Plumber. Joe, you listening? Monty Python is calling, bro. Here’s your big chance to lead the Flying Circus. You don’t have a shot in hell of ever being President, but you’ll never be unemployed again as long as Fox News is around.