I am cultured. I went to the theatre yesterday with Mrs Bob so that proves it. It was very good but perhaps not the lightest subject matter (http://www.trh.co.uk/whatson/frozen/) . It had one of my favourite actors in though, Jason Watkins. He looks a bit like Toby Jones who was by chance in a different play round the corner.

Bob, who is Jason? What has he been in?

Bloody tonnes of stuff. The main man in the great supermarket sitcom Trollied, Mr Shakespeare in the Nativity films, Simon Harwood in W1A and much much more. Had a great role in one episode of Friday Night Dinner too.

Now Toby Jones is that one from The Detectorists. He has been in tonnes of stuff too including the Dads Army film remake as Captain Mainwaring and the Stoke City (how I hate them) legend of a kitman in Marvellous.

Fight-wise, having seen Jase’s press-ups in the play last night, he would pulverise Toby. Odds on favourite.

Now I am cultured I plan to wear a monocle, a smoking jacket and attend parties where they have canopes and crap like that. Posh and that. I won’t talk to you lot any more.

Harsh I know but if I am to maintain this new found cultural superiority then I can only mix with my social equals (and no buffoons) like Boris Johnson, the Vicar of Dibley and Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

Actually me and Mrs Bob at pre-theatre dinner at Pizza Hut so I guess that blows the culture thing out of the water. We even had deep pan.

Mrs Bob has told me I have to buy some new jeans as my current selection of jeans are (amazingly) too big for me and make me look like a sloppier Jim Royle with ill-fitting baggy saggy strides. I have one correctly sized pair but have ordered two pairs from Next as I am middle class, middle of the road, prime Next custom. My last pair were Primark so I am going up in the world.

I need some new pants too but that is another story for another day.

I mentioned that me and Mrs Bob are going to see one of the UB40s in a year’s time. I have been preparing by singing their songs very loudly round the house – well the few lyrics I know, and then freestyling the rest of the song. Mrs Bob is concerned that I have started this preparatory work one year in advance. I assume she is worried that I will be better than the band by then. Or that she will have murdered me way before then.

Singing has just diverted my thoughts to songs where people mishear lyrics. UB40’s ‘Food for thought’ was clear to me but one friend used to sing ‘I’m a prima donna’ instead of ‘Ivory Madonna’. Supertramp’s ‘Breakfast in America was clearly ‘Can we have kippers for breakfast?’ not ‘Curry and Kippers for breakfast’. Not clear to all though…..

The lyric I have never known though I have finally discovered by the magic of Google.

Check out the line in red. Come on you never knew what they were saying did you? I am so pleased to have now laid this mystery to rest. Rubbish lyric though. Great show. I may change my name to Bubi.

Deirdre Sheppard from Common Sense Media rated ‘Help! It’s the Hair Bear Bunch three out of five stars and noted that it has “no educational content”; however, she also said that “other than the mildest of mild violence, and the characters’ tendency to poke fun at each other, the series is fun and inoffensive”. Pointless and amusing? Sounds like a 5* to me.

Five Star. Essex’s finest. Five siblings from Romford. Respect.

Other matters now. The Gestapo.

Mrs Bob had to ask Bob Junior (male) to turn down his various TVs, laptops, Mac Books and devices the night before last as she was – selfishly – trying to sleep. In a balanced response, BJm said she was “just like the Gestapo”.

Now World War II was not ‘my period’ so I have had to look into the historical validity of such an assertion. I have gone to a key source (well….Wikepedia….).

“The Gestapo was the official secret police of Nazi Germany and German-occupied Europe. The force was created by Hermann Göring in 1933 by combining the various security police agencies of Prussia into one organisation. From 27 September 1939 forward, it was administered by the Reichssicherheitshauptamt (RSHA) (Reich Main Security Office) and was considered a sister organisation to the SS Sicherheitsdienst (SD) (Security Service). During World War II, the Gestapo played a key role in the Nazi plan to exterminate the Jews of Europe”.

I have dug deeper and have found that there was a section of the Gestapo that dealt with noise pollution and did indeed ask people to turn the volume down on their gramophone players and radiograms.

BJm was indeed correct therefore in suggesting that Mrs Bob is just like the evil Gestapo. I hope this is useful for you the reader as you may unwittingly also be modern-day Gestapo.

BJm has also previously asserted that he has been treated “like a slave” by Mrs Bob. That will require further research in due course but I do not doubt his word.

I really need to cut this short as I have things to do. Don’t worry I had lunch though.

I hope you have learnt a few things today – long forgotten lyrics; German political history; what constitutes highbrow culture.

I have learnt that typing with the backdoor open makes your hands very cold and that too much coffee makes you need to wee a lot.