FEAR: Unhinged

Hello, my name is
Jenae, and I worry. I mean, who doesn’t right? We all struggle to consciously
put our trust in God’s perfect plan. But then there are the doozies…the
big’uns.

I vividly remember
holding my one -year-old nephew Daniel in my arms as we slow danced at my
sister’s wedding last December. He was tired, and rested his precious head on
my shoulder. I closed my eyes and hummed softly along with the music into his
ear, willing him to remember his Auntie’s voice. I knew it would be the last
time I’d hold him for 3 years; I worried it would be forever. Soon, my brother,
his wife, and their 4 young children would be leaving the States for South
Sudan to start long-term missionary work, as well as water-quality. And I was
angry—the kind you keep to yourself because it’s selfish. The kind you keep to
yourself because it would expose your worry, mistrust, and fear that God
wouldn’t take care of them. The kind you keep to yourself, because, if He chose
to take care of them in a way that seemed to me harmful, my faith would somehow
unravel.

It was scary. There is
so much unrest in Sudan. The brave Sudanese had just earned/won/conquered-all
in a Civil War and established their own country. Now, the closest village to
where they’d live was remote Melut—along the Nile with snakes and bacteria galore
and their 4 babies…OUR 4 babies.

The transition was so
hard, but it wasn’t long before they were calling their new dirt plot on Earth,
home. It was heartwarming, and heart wrenching all at once. Then, they started
getting sick. OH…the pain that we went through here—not being able to do
anything, especially when one of the girls became unbelievably ill. And,
knowing the burden on the parents as well. And, keeping that smile on your face
when others said to us: “GET THEM HOME! WHAT ARE THEY DOING?” And, standing
there like a polished politician, responding back with “Ah, yes…they are doing
God’s work. We are trusting in His provision.”…all the while wishing I could
yell myself. I couldn’t really see God’s
plan.

All I knew was that my
niece became so sick she almost died 4 times in a month’s hospital stay. All I
knew was that there were people all around the world praying for her healing
and answers to her deadly illness. I found myself face down on my living room
floor weeping because I didn’t want God to take her. All I knew was that it was
pain and fear: unhinged.

And then my
sister-in-law wrote something amazingly mature. She said their daughter’s life
was a gift to them. We are stewards of the gifts God gives us, and when He
chooses, or HOW He chooses to give and take away, is about something BEYOND our
human capacity to understand. We are here to continue to serve Him in the way
He called US. Their daughter’s story—her life—has a purpose all her own whether
He took her home then, or healed her.

I was humbled, and it
changed me. It changed my “American Church” perspective on suffering and how we
aren’t entitled to disrespect our Creator’s good plan. We rejoice she lived but
gained a whole new understanding of being prepared for death.

Then, two months ago
when my baby nephew (who is now two) knocked loudly on heaven’s gates, and they
had to MedEvac the family out of South Sudan and into Kenya for lifesaving
attention from dehydration, the worry clogged my throat. But my heart was at
peace. We were so thankful for good news of his swift recovery. We scratched
our heads and said, “What next God?” Will they continue to get sick? Their
presence there is making a difference! We’re almost used to the idea of them
being gone, and Skyping.

Anyone watch World
News? Utter carnage in the Sudans right now. refugees, UN assistance, dead
bodies strewn in fields...And I let that sink in… If the baby hadn’t gotten
sick just before the rage broke out, and the family left for Kenya in a rush,
my family would literally be trapped in a volatile situation.

I sat in silence and
then wept for joy at how God orchestrated protection before they even knew they
needed it. And here we’d been focused on the baby. They are safe and every
communication we’ve gotten from them tells us they can’t wait to get home.
Home...to Melut.

NOW my heart dances
with joy because my faith is strengthened by their lives, and their
obedience to follow through with their calling IN SPITE of circumstances. It
may take months for them to return, but their hearts are set on God’s work
there…in Melut.

God’s extended lesson
to me: “I’m the God of every city. I am supreme, and I am righteous, and I am
worthy of all praise. And I have work for your brother to do in Melut.” My
brother and his wife have made a new home in a nation of brokenness, and
darkness, yet live among joy even while experiencing deep pain. God placed them
there as His light. He is hope and peace, and He’s using this family to make an
impact of love!