13 For 2013: The Top Young Media Hot Shots Who'll Be Doing Much Better Than You This Year

1Polly Eversson
Seven year-old North Yorkshire schoolgirl Polly Eversson is tipped as a future prime minister. At the age of five, she began her own social networking site for tweenagers, selling it last year to Facebook for £900 Million. She is the world's youngest Billionaire, and - if her fake ID works - plans to stand in the 2015 General Election as a Conservative candidate.

2Oulu Franchester-Hellcombe
Oulu won Community Manager Of The Year in the 2012 'Hugz' - the Oscars of the Community Management industry - for moderating a thread about the relative benefits of Israeli and Palestinian hummus. Her acceptance speech at the awards was crowd-sourced in real time from the audience of 250 - and, including, comments from the floor, took 35 hours to complete.

3Xi Hani
"Fellow young people told me that context and history bore the teeth out of them! Who has time for that stuff?" says San Francisco-based Chinese internet mogul Xi Hani - who has developed a news aggregation app for iPhones called Iiinnstaaantiii. It removes all context, history and background from every news story - instead burping up the scant, barely digestible, officially sanctioned bones of a story instead. "My father, a very important Communist party cadre, is absolutely nuts for this sh*t. And so is the entire party in Beijing. It's f*cking awesome man: they've all invested a ton of Yuan in it!"

4 Jeremy Fukbaskaets
Fukbaeskets has turned 'entrepreneurial journalist' by setting up a boutique online artisan jounalismery - where writers pay him for the prestige of appearing in his publication. This new media model is already generating considerable interest from investors in both The City and on Wall Street.

5 Ark Hardd
Finnish director Ark Hardd has made a film where no-one actually meets each other at all - you just see various people who live in a modest Scandinavian town communicating via their laptops.Lapland Laptop Life In Lappeenranta is on general release on Aug 18 2013.

6Olivier Oliver
Olivier was conceived during a romantic break to Paris in August 2012 by his mother Eve, a blogger and furniture designer and her husband William, a marketing guru. Despite only being a bundle of cells, Olivier has already developed a fledgling inter-uterine social networking service, called Womb2Womb, which allows the unborn offspring of successful people to communicate with each other before they are even born.

7Frankincense Splendid
Playwright Frankincense Splendid spent all of 2012 living in a house made of giant pretzels in Berlin's Prenzlauer Berg while writing a play based on all the tweets he sent and received during the year. The entire audience at each performance are also the protagonists - each takes one of the 1000 or so roles and reads out various tweets. @MyF***ingGreatPlay begins at Royal Court Theatre on Feb 1 2013.

8Krampjet Orifield
Krampjet Orifield has just moved from Mountain View, California, to Manaus in the Brazilian Amazon - where he has begun to systematically slaughter endangered jaguars, toucans and dusky titi monkeys in large numbers. Why? "I'd already disrupted the traditional media ecosystem is Silicon Valley", quips the highly tipped start-up guru. "So now I've decided to take that philosophy further - by disrupting a real ecosystem."

9Fifififi Gramercy-Park
The philosopher and TV presenter's new book Me-dia, I-dea, You-dea or Us-dea: Would Hegel Be Happy Or Heartbroken If He Picked Up A Copy Of Metro And Flicked Straight To Pet Of The Day? is published this March.

10Cory Oranges Jr
The publisher of New York-based media gossip website www.porkbarrel-porkies.com is not really on the path to success. But Oranges Jr offered us a substantial bribe - in the form of non-traceable share options - in order to be featured in this hot shots list, so here he is.

11Tom Wroxham
PR of the year for 2013. Wroxham currently specialises in creating fun and engaging PR campaigns for the tourist boards and governments of sickening countries led by despicable authoritarian dictators who eat kittens for breakfast and approve of the mass torture and assassination of journalists and bloggers who dare to question anything. He also represents a cabal of shockingly overrated dubstep DJs.

12Geffryda Frygefda
The prodigious Welsh food journalist managed to Instagram a photo of every single morsel of food she ate in 2012 - that's over 5000 individual photos. She'll be guesting on Masterchef soon and predicts 2013's food trends thus: "Paper napkins, Mauritanian joints that look like they're straight out of a downtown Nouakchott back street, Kazakh beheaded goat, baozi filled with baby blackbirds, herring."

13Olivia Franchester-Hellcombe
At 21, Olivia is certainly going places in the world of journalism. Her father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, auntie, uncle, two cousins and 34 of her best friends are all journalists. Her sister is the noted social networking guru Oulu. Olivia has managed to secure work experience with every UK national newspaper, two book publishers, four new media companies and five magazines. She has a blog about buckles. One unnamed features commissioning editor described her writing as "f***ing dismal." But we say: "Look how well connected she is! This chick is GOING PLACES."