Sleepless and Spiritual

Sometimes we do things that just feel right, but make us feel so bad. When I decided to make Blood the theme for my online creative arts group, it was because earlier in the day I cut my finger and the sensation made me feel all manner of various things. Although thoroughly unpleasant, I knew from the size of it that I was not going to come to any harm. I felt faint, I felt queezy, I felt an flipping idiot for touching the wrong side of a razor. Colours began to flash before my eyes, and a part of me wanted to topple over sideways. Thick globules of red blood were dripping down my left thumb like irony tears of crimson.

Oh the drama.

Well, that certainly didn't feel right and it made me feel pretty terrible so that won't be happening again any time soon, I hope. But making an artistic muse out of the concept did feel right. This was sticky territory and I definitely knew it ought to be explored. So without further ado, noticing the date, I declared Blood to be the new theme.

And so it came to be that as the chairperson of this group, I was to show my support for self by taking part in my own challenge. Once upon a time, when I was not quite so well adjusted to myself, I was a victim of the self harming phase so many people tragically enter. It's a nightmare place to be in, the thoughts that harming self in some way helps self is an evil lie that human beings in times of need unfortunately cling to in a desperate last hope. For me, the seriousness got to a point where I seriously injured myself and I felt it entirely possible that my life was about to end. Luckily for me, it didn't, and around fifteen years down the line I can say it's never been so bad again. I have felt that darkness many times since, but never taken action to satisfy it.

A friend of mine who I am grateful for eternity to is responsible for discovering me in my predicament and for helping to patch me up. My human biology did the rest. I have a thick scar to remind me of my errors and my sheer good luck.

To make the piece, I used inks bought from Great Art on sketching paper with soft fine brushes.

In a way of expressing those terrible feelings, I decided to make something quite (for me) disturbing. I wanted to recreate on paper that desperation. The thought didn't occur to me straight away, in fact I had quite another idea at first, one which I will return to, but while I was thinking about what I could do, an idea came to mind. It then took me a good 2 days to materialise this concept onto paper, I literally had to summon up the bottle. As an artist, I've always found myself to be quite kind, I don't like to rock the boat and perhaps it's why when my boat gets rocked, I find it so hard to handle. So For once in my life, I am prepared to rock a few boats and hopefully spread the message that self harm is not something to travel the road down.

I have called this piece, “Coming of Age” as in the mirror, underneath the face of things, this is also a show of strength. The symbol of the child laying down its life in order to be replaced by the adult, usually in times of great need for personal responsibility, we grieve the passing of our old self in a spiritual suicide of ideals. We replace our self on the inside with a strong, integral, and steady soul. No self harm required.

Author

This website is a personal site written and edited by me, Rowan Blair Colver. This website contains affiliate links which are delivered at no extra cost to the customer but also provide a commission to me if you choose to make a purchase.