Look Who Stopped By

Monday, June 30, 2008

Sorry to jump in right when the story was getting started but I decided that I'd continue with my regular blogging in between posting the Mind Ripper Story.

Today I want to talk about a sort of revelation I had this weekend. Saturday I went to Dauphin Island and spent the day at the beach. I'll blog about that later in the week. Trust me you won't want to miss that one. I'm still trying to scrape some of the the images I saw that day off of my minds eye. It was traumatic and just.. gah!

Sunday is today's topic.

It rained pretty much all day Sunday so I just hung at home, watched some TV, read a little and was for the most part completely bored out of my mind.

So I was flipping through the program guide on TV and remembered that I'd recorded a few movies the previous week and decided that I may as well watch one. Facing the Giants was the one I picked.

I'd heard a lot about this movie when it came out, all good, but I'd really only had a mild interest in seeing it. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I've never been really interested in "Christian" themed movies. It's not that I don't love God, I do. It's just that sadly enough those movies usually have such a small budget that the acting is so bad it's hard to get past it to really get into the story.

This movie was no exception. At least on the bad acting. But the story, the story was something that was exactly what I needed to see. It's always amazed me how God works things out at just the right time in just the right way.

There was a part in the movie where the coach was sitting in his office and this guy, who came every day and prayed over each students locker walked in and prayed for the coach. I won't give too much of the story away because, bad acting aside, I highly encourage everyone to see this movie. Anyway the guy tells this story..

Once there were two farmers. There had been a drought and both had been praying for rain for their fields. One of the farmers went ahead and prepared his field. The other did not.

Who do you think had the most faith?

Obviously the farmer who prepared his field, in spite of the fact that the weather showed no signs of rain.

The guy goes on to say that even though both farmers prayed for rain, only one prepared his field. He said that God always has what we need, sometimes He just has to wait for us to prepare ourselves to receive it.

Something about that story really hit home with me.

I'd been praying and praying for so many things these past few years. Praying to find love again, praying to become a parent, praying for financial security, etc and so on. But it occurred to me after hearing that story that I hadn't been really doing anything to prepare myself for any of those things.

I know being in a relationship takes work, I know having a child is a huge responsibility in more ways that one, I know saving money is hard and often takes making changes in your every day spending.

I knew all of these things yet I wasn't doing anything to prepare myself for the possibility of receiving any of them.

I want to meet someone and fall in love - but I haven't entirely healed from my previous and only relationship. I haven't allowed myself to believe that there is someone out there who would truly find me worth loving. A friend of mine from school was telling me the other day how "hot" I was and I totally didn't believe him. I've been conditioned to believe that the only reason an attractive guy would find a "larger" girl attractive is because well.. he wouldn't.

In my mind, if a cute guy flirts with a larger girl it's because he thinks she'll be easy. How sad and messed up is it that society (and past relationships) have shown me and I'm sure so many others that a bigger girl will be so happy to just give in to a cute guy because she thinks that's all she can get. Even worse, so many guys believe the same thing.

Let me tell you, that kind of thinking is a sure fire way to stop someone from ever really opening themselves up to another person. I don't mean any disrespect to anyone who is larger. I'm a big girl myself, but to me fat is not attractive. At all. Ya I have a pretty face but that's only a small part of me. The rest.. hell if I was a guy I wouldn't want to look at me. Even knowing that medical conditions are responsible for me having always been larger doesn't matter to me. I'm not attracted to bigger people, so why would anyone be attracted to me?

So those are things that I need to work on to "prepare my field" so to speak as far as finding love is concerned.

Being a mother. I've made all these plans and have all these ideas about using a donor, adopting etc, but haven't made any changes to my home life or situation. I live in a 2br apartment that would be OK for raising a child in, but not ideal. I've not made any plans to save money, or build a support network or anything really to prepare.

Financial stability. I'm like millions of others who live check to check. I'm pretty good with money and have my budget planned out for the next year, but no where in that have I cut back on anything or rearranged anything so I could start putting money in savings. I filed bankruptcy a few years ago and other than buying a car have really done nothing to try and rebuild my credit.

I did get apply for a few credit cards last year and was approved for one, so now I have another positive thing on my credit to show I make payments on time. There is this website Your Credit Network that I used and recommend if you're trying to get a credit card. It allows you to pick options like what type of credit your currently have, what kind of card you're looking for etc. I know credit cards are probably not the preferable way to go about building credit, but the one I have has a low credit limit and no interest. I mostly use it for gas and then pay a little more than the minimum payment each month so the balance stays pretty low.

Anyway.. I guess all of that was to say that it's not enough to just pray for God to give you the things you want. If you're not willing or ready to prepare yourself to receive them then you don't really deserve them.

I saw a documentary last year that is the perfect example of why preparation is so important.

A college student wanted to do this study on what would happen if a homeless person suddenly came into a large amount of money. So he found some people to fund his project and left a briefcase with $100,000.00 dollars in a dumpster where this one homeless guy scavenged regularly. Along with the money was a note that said - "If you allow us to film your life for one month this money is yours".

The guy had been homeless for like 10 years. Needless to say he was more than willing to let them film whatever they wanted. So the fist thing the guy did was buy a truck and get an apartment. He found a job, bought several of his friends gifts, got back in touch with family that hadn't spoken to him in years and bought gifts and gave money to them. He was so selfless with the money it was amazing. He also was completely broke and homeless again within 8 months.

He'd lived so long without money that he didn't know how to manage it. He said to him, $100,000.00 seemed like it would last forever. But before he knew it he had no money left. Sadly, once the money was gone, so were many of the family members who were happy to talk to him again as long as long as he was shelling out the dough to them. He'd enriched so many other peoples lives in his giving, yet had no thought or education, no experience with money to know that he needed to invest and save for his own future.

He said at the end of the documentary that if he'd known how things would turn out he would have left the money there in the dumpster. He wasn't prepared for the gift that had been given to him and as a result, not only did he waste it all, but he ended up worse than he was before he received it. Before the money he was just homeless and estranged from his family. After, he was homeless and had the painful realization that his family could care less about him as a person. They were only interested in what he could give them.

So I've decided to begin preparing myself and my life for all of the things I desire. I didn't realize it at the time but posting the Mind Ripper story is part of the preparing for a relationship. I guess in a way, sharing that story, putting it out in the open is my way of letting it go... once and for all.

I went back to the gym this morning and am really looking forward to having exercise be a regular part of my routine again. Preparing myself for better health and self-image. I'm going to reassess my finances and the things I spend money on so that I can start saving and prepare for my future. I'm sure in a dozen other ways and areas there are things I will do to prepare as well, not for anything in particular, but just for me. Preparing myself to be a better person, a better friend, a better me in general.

I haven't gone back and re-read this yet but I'm pretty sure it rambles a bit. Normally I'd rewrite or reword things so that they read smoothly but I think this time I'm just going to leave it as is. I apologize if was difficult to read, or didn't seem to really make much sense, but learning to express myself in a way that's not pretty or neat or well read is something else I'm hoping to get better at. Just me, being me, flaws and all, and being OK with it. That may take the most preparing of all.

I look out the window of the bus as it travels down the highwayOn to a brand new life, a brand new home, a brand new day

As I gaze at the scenery that passes me byI take one small moment and let myself cryI’m crying tears for the life I’m leaving behindAll my family and friends, they say I’m being blind

To have known the man, for such a short whileAnd to claim you love him, are you senile?True love, they laugh at the notion, you don’t even know him they sayThey don’t understand, or feel what I feel, how could they

As sure as the sun sets in the westI know that for me he is the bestAn angel sent to me from God in my great time of needTry to understand, just support me I plead

On to a new life, a new home, a new love a new dayTo the arms of my sunshine, that’s where I’ll stay

Sunday, June 29, 2008

We spent the most glorious weekend togetherFresh in the knowledge that we had found our foreverWhen the time came to parta great sadness fell on my heart

For this love was so perfect and new,Separate myself from it, I could not doWe smiled as we said our bonne nuites (good night), for good-bye we would not sayWe vowed to be strong for we knew we see each other again, another day

The drive home I don’t remember,for the view was clouded with tearsFor so long have I searched for this love,for so many years

I walked in the door and picked up the phone,to let him know I’d made it home"Hello", he said. "I love you", I replied,and to my amazement he broke down and cried

He said he felt like he was dyinghis love for me was so greatHe should have asked me to stay;letting me go was a mistake

So in a feverish hurry great plans were madeto eliminate the distance between usI packed my bags and one week from the day we metboarded a greyhound bus.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are gray, You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, Please don’t take my sunshine away........Internet love, what a ridiculous notion,Like number 9 a magical love potionThere I was chatting in Talk City,Name of the room, !Flirts-Mississippi!

What started out as opinionated difference,Resulted in conversational consistenceMind Ripper was his name.Talk was his game.

And yet he seemed ableto see into my soul,How could this stranger from far away knowthat deep inside I didn’t feel whole?

So on we typed about this and about that,I found myself looking forward to his chatEach night I would sign on hoping to see his name,thinking sure, I could play his game

We talked of politics theories and feelings,his thoughts more often than not left me reelingFrom Internet courting to calls on the phone,my how this "telling him off" had grown

In a very short time this relationship grew,some of these feelings impossibly newHe is a stranger, could I possibly feel,this love from my heart, could it be real

He made me laugh, he made me cry,and when I didn’t, he always knew whyThis ability he had to finish my sentences, so strange it seemedWarning, careful, watch out my head screamed

From "giving him a piece of my mind" to living for the next time we spokeSuch deep emotions and thoughts he provokedAnd then came the time, the next step to take,a face to face meeting, my insides did quake

For we had spoken those three little words that mean everything,what if he was not all that he seemedTo truly love the person inside, with no thought to looks,was this kind of love I’d read of in books

Sure we’d swapped pictures and letters in the mail,but was that enough, I wish I could tellSomeone anyone of these feelings I have, but they’d only laugh,Internet love, you must have gone mad

A three-hour drive, the nervousness growing,fear of rejection on my face was showingThere he is standing there waiting for me,can I go forward, can I not flee

He comes toward me with a purposeful walk,where is my tongue, why can’t I talk.Then as if we’d known each other forever and a day,he wraps me in his arms and I hear what I need him to say.

Welcome home, Mollie, I love you.

To make an already long story shortI thank you for reading you’ve been a good sportMay 5th will mark our anniversary, one year we’ve been togetherCould I see myself without him, nope, not ever

Mind Ripper is his name,talk is his gameAnd rip my mind he did, and my heart and my soula place that without him would not be whole

I told him once he was my angel,come to rescue me from a world of loneliness and despairAnd I know that no matter what may come,for me he’ll always be there

I need him like the air I breathe,for he is my sunshine come to chase the dark clouds awayAnd bring to my life the light of love and faith and belief in happy ever afters.

Friday, June 27, 2008

I was replying to an e-mail last night from someone who saw my personals ad and I realized that while I've been sharing my dating or lack-of-dating adventures with you I haven't really gone into much detail about how I came to be single.

I haven't always been single. There were 3 years of my life where I was blissfully and miserably in love. And yes, you can be both at the same time.

During one of the first break-ups my ex-fiance and I went though, and there were many, I wrote a series of poems that detailed our relationship from beginning to what I thought at the time was the end. They weren't mean to be great works of literature or even somewhat decent poetry, they were just the only way a young confused girl could think of to work through what was going on in her life.

Anyway, I thought I'd share those with you. Other than my ex-fiance no one has read the story and I'm not entirely sure about sharing it on here. It's something that is very personal to me and still close to my heart. But after thinking about it, I realized that there are many blogs that I've read where people had shared intimate details about things they'd gone through, and those blogs made me feel stronger, better about the things I'd endured. So if I can do that for someone else then it's worth opening up about one of the most personal experiences of my life. One that I still struggle with understanding to this very day.

So starting tomorrow I'll post a chapter a day. The story is called Mind Ripper. That was the screen name he was using when we first began talking, and it fits the effects our relationship had on me. There are 13 chapters I think, and a few post "The End" poems that are a part of the story.

Again, please understand that they were never meant to be "poems" in the way that most people think. The story rhymes. Why? I honestly couldn't say. I suppose that at the time it was how the thoughts and feelings came to me.

I usually say enjoy, when I'm going to post a story or funny moment of my past but some of the writing to come wasn't all that funny or enjoyable so I suppose I shall just say or rather ask that if you decide to become a part of a very very important time in my life by reading the next several posts that you do so with an open mind and a kind heart.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Craigslist. I've used it dozens of times over the past few years. I've never had the tiniest problem or negative experience and I've always listed my cell phone on the ads I'd posted. In my experience people are more likely to pick up the phone and call you about something than send an e-mail. It's just more convenient.

When I moved from Michigan back to the south I used it to sell all of my furniture.

I've used it to find roommates as well with equal success.

What I haven't used it for is dating.

Until now.

I was watching Ellen a few weeks ago and she had a couple on there who'd met on a flight, hit it off but for whatever reason had forgotten to exchange numbers. Turns out they both talked about each other to their friends so much that each of their friends encouraged them to post an ad in the missed connections section of Craigslist. Both thought it was lame and weren't going to to it but finally decided what the heck.

They're getting married soon. To each other. The Craigslist thing worked.

So with the Yahoo Personals experiment being pretty much a total flop I figured what the hell. You never know if something will work unless you give it a try right?

I should note now that at the time I placed the personals ad on there I'd already had a listing for a room to rent and a separate post selling a desk I have, both on which I'd listed my phone number. The ads are on completely different sections of Craigslist and naive me didn't think that someone might possibly be bored or looney enough to browse the entire sight and connect them.

Here's what I put on my Craigslist personals ad:

I've never thought of Craigslist as a place to "look for love" but what the heck. You'll never know if something works unless you try it right?

I suppose it's a bit funny that I feel somewhat awkward putting a catchy bi-line or descriptive paragraph about myself on here, yet I have a myspace page and a blog on which I talk about most everything that happens in my life.

I suppose if you really want to know more about me those are the places to look. My space dot com / dmplgrl or google "Musings of a "Crazy Cat Lady"" and you'll find dmplgrl on blogspot. But here are the basics.

I'm 32, single (obviously lol)I moved to Mobile, AL from Michigan in 2007 to be closer to my niece. All of my family live in MS.

I'm pretty easy going and am really just looking to meet new people. Hopefully one of them will turn out to be someone I can share my life with.

~Jo

I put a small picture under my name.

I used my middle name Jo in an attempt to keep some anonymity. However, considering I pretty much gave a direct order for anyone who might read the ad to check out my blog and myspace page which reveal basically everything anyone might ever want to know about me, it seems a bit redundant. Hey, I do recall saying and saying repeatedly that I am no good with this whole social interacting thing.

I used my first name Mollie on both of the other ads I'd posted.

Again with the not thinking like a stalker might think and make the connection between the two.

So a few nights ago my cell phone rings. It's not a number I recognize but since I had listed my number on both the room-for-rent and desk for sale post I answered it.

This is the conversation that followed:

Me - "Hello"

Caller - "Hi is this Mollie?"

Me - "It is"

Caller - "Hi my name is Larry, I noticed that you had a room for rent on Craigslist?"

Me - "yes I do"

Caller - "I noticed that you had a personals ad on there as well?"

Me - "uhhh um yes I do"

Caller - "Well I was just looking through the ads and saw your post and thought, I know I've seen that picture before. Except your roommate listing says Mollie and the personals listing says Jo."

I'm getting a bit freaked out about now and slightly irritated at myself that I didn't have enough psychotic tendencies to think ahead of time and realize someone might find both ads and use my personal number for the personals post

Me - "Well... Yes my middle name is Jo, I go by both."

Caller - "Well I know that people sometimes steal other people's pictures off of myspace and stuff and use them for fake personal ads but since you posted both ads I guess you know."

Me - in my head- you have GOT to be kidding me?!? out loud - "Uh well no it's my picture, but thank you for taking the initiative to make sure it wasn't being misused."

Caller - "I have a condo I was going to sell so I was looking at the posts on there but I think I've decided to just keep it, maybe rent it out or something...So.... you say you're from Michigan huh?"

At this point I'm thinking, this guy browsed hundreds of posts in the realty section, then browsed hundreds of posts in the personals section and just happened to have had such a memorable impression of the picture I posted on the roommate listing that he recognized me in a different picture in a personals listing. Then he was so worried that someone might have stolen my picture that we went back through all of the realty listings to find my post, which had my phone number on it so he could call me and tell me I had two different ads in two different sections with two different pictures and two different names.

HELP!

Back to the conversation.

Me - "Um I lived in Michigan for several years yes. Again thank you for your concern that someone had misused my photo, but I did post both ads so uh again, thank you."

I'm assuming the average person would have heard the hesitation and reserve in my voice and realized that I was most definitely NOT interested in continuing this phone call for any reasons what so ever.

Caller - "oh um OK, well I just wanted to let you know, but uh well since you posted the ad I guess you do, so uh um good bye then."

Me - CLICK!

Needless to say I went straight to the computer and removed all 3 ads. As fate would have it I received a call later that evening from a girl who had found my roommate listing only minutes before I deleted it. She'll be moving into my extra room in August so that worked out well. I also received a call that day from someone who came and bought the desk I was selling so that was taken care of as well.

I've given it some thought and decided that since there are no other posts listed and nothing anywhere with my phone number on it, I'm going to put the personals ad back up.

Yahoo Personals wasn't much of a success, OK it wasn't any success at all, but I'm not quite ready to give up hope and start shopping for my black spinster dress with lace collar.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Normally I am a very attentive person. I can honestly say that I very rarely have moments where my brain appears to take a temporary leave of absence. This morning was one of those times and apparently when my attention to detail decides to take a break it does it in a big way!

I had intended on going to the gym this morning, having missed almost an entire month thanks to that nice little adventure with pneumonia. I have a routine when I go to the gym.

I pack whatever I'm going to wear for work the next day in my bag the night before and set it, ready to go, by my bedroom door. Then I lay out whatever I'm going to wear to the gym in the morning on the back of my computer chair. Well I had the hardest time falling asleep last night and when I woke up this morning I decided that I was entirely too tired to go work out and snoozed my alarm for another 45 minutes.

Doesn't it always seem like the 7 minutes of sleep you get in between snoozes is more restful than however many hours you may get the entire night before?

So I get up, pull out new clothes to wear, shower and go about my normal no-gym morning routine.

I'm not one of those people who get up extra early so I have time to lounge around while I'm getting ready. I have a very simple and efficient routine that pretty much never changes. I am normally ready and out the door in 30-45 minutes from the time I get out of bed.

This is an outline of my normal non-gym morning routine:

Wake upMake bedFeed catGo peeLay out clothes for workShowerDry hair (still in towel)Put on lotionPut on pantsPut on braPut on makeup (I learned the hard way if I put my shirt on before my makeup I'm almost guaranteed to drop my mascara or lipstick and it will almost always inadvertently land on my shirt)Put on shirtGrab phone, keys, and shoes and walk out the door.

I don't know if it was because I changed my original plan and had to pull different clothes out of the closet to wear or if I was just still really not fully awake, but after I put my makeup on I somehow managed to not notice that I'd skipped a very important part of my morning routine.

I went to the kitchen, looked in the fridge to see if there was anything I wanted to bring for lunch, there wasn't. So I grabbed my phone, stuck it in my pocket, grabbed my keys, opened the closet and slipped on my flip flops and put my hand on the door knob to leave.

I always look around the house before I walk out to make sure I didn't forget anything. Bedroom door closed to keep the cat out - check, air turned up so it doesn't run all day - check, lights off - check.

I had this unshakable feeling that I'd forgotten something but for the life of me couldn't put my finger on it. Then I looked out the living room windows.

I have 3 large windows that span almost the entire wall in my living room. They face the street. I always leave my blinds halfway up to let in natural light. As I look up at the windows I see a guy walking down the sidewalk and the thought came to me, "Oh he's going to see me standing here in my bra!".

I just stood there for a second thinking, Wow.. if this is not an indication that it's going to be a Monday to beat all Mondays I don't know what is! I have to wonder, if that guy hadn't walked by at that particular moment if I'd have made it all the way out to my car before realizing I didn't have a shirt on.

Needless to say I marched myself right back into my bedroom, picked my shirt up off the back of my computer chair where it had been all morning, put it on and went to work.

I tell ya, I've forgotten things before, my lunch, papers I needed, a book that I had to return to the library, but I have never in my life forgotten to put on an article of clothing before walking out the door and I have to say, for my sake, and everyone else's I hope I never do again!

Friday, June 20, 2008

A friend e-mailed me today and told me that my blog posts were getting somewhat boring. He suggested that I step it up a bit, even if I had to make something up.

Lucky for me..... and thanks to him that's not necessary.

I don't usually write about things of an umm sexual nature and I'm not entirely sure this story qualifies, but it does contain a small bit of mature content. Small being the operative word. Wink.

This is the story of my first, I guess you could call it, intimate experience with the opposite sex.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK so let me set the scene for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's Christmas evening. I was 19 I think. I'd just moved back in with my parents in Pearl, MS after a year living on my own in Gulfport. An old school pal of mine was home alone sick. His parents were out of town so I decided to go visit. It was just a friendly visit you know, old friends catching up so I brought my little sister with me. She was 12 or 13. My dad told me that since my little sister was with me I had to be back home by 11pm I believe it was. It may have been midnight but no later than that.

So my sister and I head off to my friends house. To protect his privacy we'll call him Squeakers. He'll get the reference when he reads this.

I don't remember what time we got there but we spent the next 3 or 4 hours watching A Christmas Story and being amazed while Squeakers entertained my sister and I with magic card tricks.

If I never hear "You'll shoot your eye out!" again it will be hearing it one time too many!

Well it gets late, he's not feeling well so we all head to his room to watch a movie. Let me tell you trying to situate 3 people comfortably in a water bed can be tricky.

Now don't get all oh my gosh she's in bed with this guy and her little sister on me. Squeakers and I had been friends for quite a few years and my little sister had hung out with us before. There was nothing inappropriate about the situation.

Yet....

So we're all laying there, chillin', watching TV and I look over and notice that my sister has not only fallen asleep, but she's managed to roll herself into the crack between the water bed mattress and wood frame. I wake her up once to put her back on the bed but after a bit she ended up back in the crack. We were still watching the movie so I just left her there.

Before I get to the uhh inappropriate part I'm going to fill you in on a little background. I had had the biggest crush on Squeakers for like 3 years in high school. We hung out all the time, going to the game room together, hanging out at his house together, I even picked him up for school for a while before he got a car.

Well I drove to his house then he drove us to school in my car. He seemed to think I was incapable of making it from his house to the school without plowing down a mailbox or two along the way. I have no idea where he got that idea. I happened to have been and still am a very good driver.

Anyway he was completely oblivious to the fact that I adored him. I found out recently that he'd thought I was cute but was hung up on some chic at the time. He even remembered checking out my tetas once when we were playing pool. To thatI was oblivious.

So I can honestly say that I have no idea what, why or how the next series of events came into play but I will remember and think of them with a smile for many years to come.

I had on this blue and white striped button up shirt. It was long sleeve and it was one of my very favorite shirts. Squeakers had on decorative silk boxers. He had a thing for silk boxers. I think I may have even bought him a pair once... he was still oblivious. Ha.

So I'm lying on the outside of the bed, he is next to me somewhat in the middle and my sister is lost in dream land crammed in between the wood bed frame and the water bed mattress on the far opposite side of the bed.

All I remember is that one of my shirt buttons had come undone, my shirts have always had a bit of trouble accommodating the girls, and I made a comment about buttoning it back up.

The next thing I know, Squeakers is leaning over me, my bra is down and the only thing going through my head is "Oh My God, he's going to kiss my boobies!!".

Yes those were the exact words I was thinking. Steamy right? Hey you have to remember that I'd yet to so much as kiss a guy and here I was 19, with the guy I'd crushed on for yearssss and he was about to lav my breastesses with his tongue. It was the stuff of dreams.

Yes you read that right. I was 19 and had never kissed a guy. That particular pleasure waited another 5 years before happening. But boy oh boy I got my boobies kissed that night!

Back to the action. So somewhere in my mind, hazed over with infatuation, I had the thought. "I want to kiss his peepee." Look, I was innocent OK. I'm a good southern girl with morals and stuff. So what if I thought peepee. It was more acceptable in my tender mental state than thinking penis, or some other more uhh grown up phrasing.

So I maneuver myself down the bed some. Again.. water beds may be comfortable to sleep in but damn if they're not hella difficult to move around on in any more active type way. At this point in the story you may be thinking... wait.. didn't she title this Watch the braces?? Yes I did, and yes I did.. have them.

I'd love to be able to tell you I had my first full on sexual experience with my crush and that it was wonderful and I'll treasure it always. But then this would be an entirely different story, one more suitable to my fantasies of those years than the actuality of what happened.

For some reason, I think it was to get uhh protection, Squeakers got up and went into another room. Well while he was up the phone started ringing. He didn't answer it. It rang again, and again, and again. I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell you that it was about 2:30am by this point. Does anyone remember what time I was supposed to have my sister home by? Ahhh now I'll give you two guesses as to who was calling and the first one doesn't count.

Squeakers comes in the room holding the phone out like it's covered in acid and the very act of it ringing is going to melt his fingers to the bone. "It's your house!", he whispers. "Answer it and tell them we just left!", I reply. "F*ck no I'm not answering it!!".

So I wake my sister up, drag her to the car, buttoning up my shirt as I go and race my happy and terrified ass home. As I'm pulling into the driveway my dad is, I kid you not, walking out the front door, shotgun in hand.

I though. Oh My God.. he was going to come kill us. Or at least Squeakers.

I fibbed a bit and told him we fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. Well it was only half a fib. My sister fell asleep and although the movie was still on Squeakers and I had stopped paying attention to it long before.

He got a little weird after that and stopped taking my calls for a while. I can only assume he was embarrassed. I asked him about when we got back in touch several months ago and while he had some memory of the event that had taken place he had no memory of acting funny afterward. Guys.

So although nothing ever came of the crush, he did have the honor of being the first guy to ever kiss my boobies. And his peepee was the first I ever well sort of attempted to uhh kiss.

How's that for spicy, JFK? =)

**Postscript - I emailed my friend to let him know that I've done my best to spice things up a bit on my blog and suggest that he go read my latest post. A few minutes later I get back an e-mail containing this~~

I should have known better. You could have at least beefed it up a little. Thrown in something about hanging from the ceiling or seeing stars.

I imagine next time he'll be a bit more precise when making suggestions as to what I should post about... don't you think?

Today is World Refugee Day 2008

On June 20, we celebrate World Refugee Day. This year, events around the world will focus on the fundamental need for protection. For some, this means economic security; for others, protection is freedom from violence and persecution. On World Refugee Day, we will turn our attention to the millions of refugees who live without material, social and legal protection.

Since its foundation in 1951, UNHCR has protected tens of millions of refugees. For us, protection consists of tangible improvements in the lives of forcibly displaced people – from the provision of food and shelter to support for those lacking legal status or those wishing to return to their home countries. On World Refugee Day, we commemorate this vital engagement.

Protection is also about raising awareness. We cannot protect refugees if their plight remains invisible. On World Refugee Day, we will highlight the universal nature of protection. Not only are refugees protected all around the globe, but the responsibility for protection is equally global.

Ultimately, protection is a challenge that knows no borders. Neither can it be left to a single agency to provide. On World Refugee Day, we are launching a global call for action. We want to promote engagement at the grassroots level, in local communities, workplaces and online. Only through a global network of supporters can we meet the manifold needs of protection.

How can you help?

Online social utilities provide excellent tools for advocacy.

Become a fan on Facebook, support our cause and share our videos, photos and latest news with your friends.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

It seems like it's been forever since I've last posted and although I doubt you missed me I apologize for my brief absence.

Last weekend I went to MS to watch my niece and brother-in-law's 13yr old little sister Friday-Sunday while they were in Pensacola soaking up the sun and sand. June 13th was the bol's and one of my sister's friend's birthday so my sister, her husband, the friend, the friend's husband and a group of other family members and friends went to Pensacola for a combined birthday celebration weekend.

They stayed in a suite at the Hilton. Must be nice. I've tried my best to mentally enjoy their fun vicariously through the 23423452 pictures they took. It didn't work.

Seriously though, I doubt I would have traded places with them. I had an absolute blast with my niece for 3 days. I only get to see her once or twice a month so when I do I treasure every single second we're together. That child is my heart.

So over the course of Friday, Saturday and Sunday we watched Aladdin 3 times, The Little Mermaid twice and Finding Nemo.. well I lost count after about the 5th time.

I know. That's a lot of movie watching right?!

She likes to watch movies when she goes to bed, so it's a movie for nap time and a movie for bed time. Then during the day when we weren't outside on the swing, which wasn't much because it rained almost all weekend, or reading books, or playing with her tea set, we were watching movies.

I'd forgotten how much I LOVED Aladdin. It's most definitely my favorite Disney movie of all time. Kayla, my bro-in-law's little sister laughed at me because I actually rewound it once so I could hear part where they sing "A Whole New World" again.

Since Sunday was Father's Day I thought I'd help Marley make a special treat for her dad so we went to the store and got a big roll of sugar cookie dough.

My sister is like Martha Stewart on crack when it comes to baking and crafting so we had a bucket of cookie cutter letters to play with. I flattened the dough into little circles and let Marley put the letters on and press them out. We spelled out I love (heart) Daddy in sugar cookies.

I was impatient to get started and should have put the dough in the freezer for a bit so it was more firm but we had a blast getting our hands and Marley's face (she had to make sure it tasted OK) covered in soft gooey cookie dough.

While we were at the store I let Marley pick out what color sprinkles she wanted and after all the letters were cut and spread out on the cookie sheet she had the honor of decorating them. Here is a video from my phone of her putting sprinkles on.

I've got more pictures of her making the cookies but they are on my computer at home and I'm at work. Obviously not working.

In other news, I'm happy to say that I have fully and completely recovered from my bout with pneumonia and have a 3lb weight loss to show for it!! YAY. Hey I'll take losing weight any way I can get it. Now we'll just see if those few pounds stay off.

I wish I had more fun and exciting tales to entertain you with but in all honesty the last few weeks have been pretty mundane. I am looking into seeing what all I need to do to try and buy my first home though so as that progresses I'll keep you updated.

The Yahoo Personals experiment turned out to be a bust and a waste of $25.99. I had a few brief e-mail conversations with 3 guys, but they faded out and ended up going no where. No particular reason I guess, just not enough interest on either side to pursue. I'm thinking about giving Match.com a try for a month but I'm not so sure I'm willing to put out more money to try and find a date. We'll see.

So that's been what's up in my world lately. Not much I know, hopefully the future will being more exciting and humorous tales to tell!

Until then just pretend like you still think I'm funny or click here and go on over to Humor Blogs for some real side splitting reading! =)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My little cousin Samantha (she's 12) posted one of those Number a page 1 through whatever and write some random names, songs, numbers etc, make a wish then the mysteries of the universe will be revealed to you!! things on Myspace.

So I normally never do those kinds of games, quizzes, I'm not even sure what to call them, but I'm at work, bored and figured what the heck. I know it's all random nonsense but I did get some rather interesting results so I thought what the heck, I'd share the fun with you guys. Did you notice that I said what the heck two sentences in a row? I need to read more and re-expand my vocabulary. Eek.

The first part of the post contains the directions. I copied it directly from her MySpace post and against my better judgement haven't corrected any punctuation, grammar or undone the all CAPS. I did delete some extra, OK many many extra lines in between the each sentence to make it easier to follow and about 43143214231 line breaks shorter!

Just do it =)DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T WORK AND YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN'T.

TAKE 3 MINUTES TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.

THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO ME SAID HER WISH CAME TRUE 10 MINUTES AFTER SHE FORWARDED THE EMAIL

NO CHEATING!!!!

THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.

DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT.

IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY

1st. Get PEN and PAPER

2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW

3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! Very important for good results.

4th SCROLL DOWN

ONE LINE AT THE TIME DON'T READ AHEAD otherwise YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.

1.On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.

2.Next to the NUMBERS 1 & 2, WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?

3.Next to the NUMBERS 3 & 7,WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. SAME SEX IF GAY

CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT

4.WRITE ANTONE'S NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY...)next to 4, 5, & 6.

DON..T CHEAT OR YOU..LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID

5.WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11

6.Finally,MAKE A WISH

****************************************************

OK those were the directions - Here were my answers

1. 7

2. 23

3. Jeffery (my 1st - we've gotten back in contact recently and talk several times a week. I love him dearly. I guess you always have a soft spot for your 1st.)

4. Theresa (my sister - we don't always get along but I love her dearly)

5. Alicia (an old friend from Michigan - I blogged about her before - the un-understandable)

6. JR (my ex-fiance - we haven't really talked in about 4yrs)

7. Chris (friend from school I dreamed about for 4yrs for no explainable reason, then through a chain of strange random events got in contact with. He uhh broke my 4yr+ long phase of abstinence. Then he got weird & we haven't talked since January)

**I have NO idea where these songs came from. I've not heard any of them in weeks, some months, some even years, but as I was trying to think of what to write down they are what popped into my head**

It feels like I've been whining about being sick for days now but I'm still not 100% well and I feel like pewp so please try to muster enough sympathy toput up with me for a little longer.

When I was talking about the cost to my health from not only getting pneumonia (and waiting entirely too long to go to the doctor) but having a reaction to the antibiotics I was prescribed I forgot to mention another big cost of being sick.

The financial one!

Other than the occasional mild cold I don't get sick often so it's never been a big deal to me whether I had insurance or not.

In the past few years that's changed. Being diagnosed with Hypothyroid in 2004(ish) and PCOS this past year, recurring doctors visits and ongoing prescriptions have become a way of life. Let me tell you, for someone who can't even remember to take a multi-vitamin having to take a pill or two every single day at certain times of day is a pain in the arse!

I have my med bottles on my night stand right in front of my alarm clock so when the alarm goes off I have to physically touch and move the bottles to see what time it is. I've found (through trial and error ie. forgetting to take them) that it's the only way I'm garanteed to remember to take my meds.

So back to cost. I'm all about the price matching. Walmart has like a billion or something prescriptions that are on a $4 list. My thyroid script is on that list! However RiteAid is my regular pharmacy but lucky for me they price match. So I leave the doctor office Wednesday and call Walmart to see how much their cost for the two prescriptions I'd been given would be.

If you're eating or drinking please stop now. I don't want to be responsible for anyone choking or spitting all over their screen.

Antibiotic - $137.00Cough Syrup - $189.00

I don't remember the exact change so I just rounded. But when you're talking that kind of money a few cents is nothing.

People, I make OK money but I by no means at any time EVER have a few hundred extra dollars floating around in my bank account. That will all change as soon as those mother@#$%^$Q's from Publisher's Clearinghouse finally show up at my door. But I digress.

So for the average uninsured Joe we're talking about $326 for medication. That's only like $40 less than my car note!!

If this was just a bug or virus I've had said, and with a quickness, SCREW THAT! But we're talking pneumonia here. I had no desire to end up in the hospital with tubes in my nose, arms and any other orifice they might decide needed plugging.

After I hung up the phone, stopped choking and remembered how to breath I thought to myself Thank God I have insurance now!! I have BlueCross BlueShield. It's pretty decent coverage. Granted I've not been insured all that much in my working career to be able to compare but it's covered me pretty well so far. Any time I need to go to the doc all I'm out of pocket is a $20 copay then they pick up the rest and honey if you've seen some of my EOB's lately you'd agree that I'm making out like a champ!

My pharmacy program isn't quite as cheap. For brand name meds I pay either a $30 or $45 copay and for generic it's $15 or $25 I think.

Lucky me neither of the meds I was prescribed came in generic so I ended up begrudgingly handing the cashier a check for $75! Then there was the $20 copay for the office visit and the new meds I had to have called in because I ended up having a reaction to the first ones. Getting sick is a drain.. in more ways that one!

I'm usually pretty good about balancing my check book (other than the Stimulus pay fiasco) but I'm not sure I have the money I spent on office visits and meds in my account at the moment and I have to be honest I'm super tempted to go do one of those fast cash payday loan things.

There's only about 234234 different companies that will loan you money today for emergency cases then you pay it back on your next pay day. Of course the only potential problem with these programs is, if you don't have the extra money you need now you're not likely to have it then and you get stuck in a cycle of paying them back then rewriting to cover the money you're out paying what you borrowed plus their fee until you get a break and can finally pay them back for good.

Yes, I'm speaking from experience. I had a roommate last year not pay her part of the bills and I ended up in a check advance circle of borrow, pay, borrow to pay, etc for about 6 months. I can't tell you the relief you feel when they ask all cheerful and smiling "Are you rewriting today?" and you can tell them NOPE I'm done! Thank you!

Thankfully I'm making a decent little bit of extra cash on the side doing blogging reviews and I have an expense reimbursement check coming in this week from work so I might end up being OK. If not there's always donating plasma again.. EEK!

I can pretty much promise I'm done whining about being sick. I apologize for bending your ear or er uh eye but thank you for being patient and understanding.

Musings of a "Crazy Cat Lady" shall return to her normal entertaining, thought provoking blog stylings after these messages from your local pharmaceutical manafacturer.

>Picture most current medication commercial here - note possible side effects often outweigh benefit received by taking medication<>

Saturday, June 07, 2008

So a couple of weeks ago I got a little cough. Just a tickle in my throat, no big deal. Then I started coughing more, and

**Warning - the proceeding contents may contain grossness**

well lovely colorful uh stuff started coming up when I coughed. Then I started having a runny nose, and at first it was all clear, like I'd bend my head down for something and water would just run out of my nose. So fun.

Anyway this past Tuesday I woke up and could hardly breath. Taking a breath felt like an act of congress and I decided that the "cold" I had apparently wasn't just a cold anymore.

So off I went to the doctor and some blood work and x-rays later we had a diagnosis! Walking Pneumonia. As opposed to what, sitting pneumonia or maybe jogging pneumonia?

I text my cousin and had her look it up. Basically "Walking Pneumonia" is a dated term used by doctors when the Pneumonia hasn't advance far enough to be debilitating. Oh yay, so that means I only have little pneumonia, not the big pneumonia that can kill you. All right!! Good News!!

So the doc shoves a wad of prescriptions in my hands and on to the pharmacy I go.

Wednesday morning I eat a yummy (and healthy) breakfast of granola with blueberries and strawberries on top. I got a little over halfway through the bowl and made a pit stop in the kitchen to put the bowl down before I high tailed it to the bathroom.

Well that was a good breakfast.

Throughout the day I tried and failed to keep down anything. Even water. The pain I felt everytime something hit my stomach was incredible. I also was unable to keep my eyes open. I've never taken an antibiotic that made you drowsy but this one had me bordering on unconscious with a side of hallucinations.

Turns out the antibiotic was to strong for my system (I've always been really sensitive to meds) and was making me sick. So they called in another antibiotic. And something for stomach pain.

Am I the only person who thinks doctors and medications are just ridiculous?!?

I have pneumonia so the doc gives me a script for an antibiotic and a cough suppressant. I'm walking around with lungs filled with goo that I NEED to cough up but they want to suppress my body's natural need to cough. Uh OK

Then the antibiotic is too strong and it's making me sick so they give me another antibiotic and something for stomach pain and guess what the first 3 side effects are on BOTH of these meds??

Nausea, stomach pain and vomiting. Oh and it gets better. The stomach pain med also says may cause congestion and difficulty breathing.

Right on!!

So I'm not taking anything but the antibiotic. I'll manage without the cough suppressant that alters a chemical in my brain to repress the natural need to cough up mucus from my lungs, and since I've stopped taking the antibiotic that made me sick I don't need the meds for stomach pain, that cause uhh stomach pain and congestion.

If it was anything other than pneumonia I'd have said screw all the meds and took my chances that it would work itself out.

Have you ever seen the movie Disturbia, or watched an episode of Smallville? If so you'll notice one thing they have on common. The main male character is a bit of a voyeur.

The kid in Disturbia likes to peep in on the neighbors, the hot chic next door in ,via a sweet set of binoculars and Tom Welling, aka Clark Kent, likes to look at the stars (and the hot chic next door) from the loft in his barn through his trusted telescope.

I was reading about the Audubon Great BackYard Bird Count the other day and it got me thinking about how many different ways there are to see things through a lense.

I personally love photography. When you look at things through a camera you find so many different angles and views you miss with the naked eye. You can capture a moment that will never be had again and I love that. Plus I'm a bit of a people watcher so I just love taking pictures.

Opticsplanet.com has a wide range of equipment for your voyeuristic preferences. If bird watching is something you enjoy, they have a great selection of binoculars. If you're into the stars and charting constellations, then check out their telescopes. I'd personally like to get my hand on a really cool pair of Night Vision Goggles. Hey I uh ya umm different birds come out at night and I'd like to see them and stuff. Ya that's it!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

I have absolutely no idea. No I take that back.. right this very moment I'd be appropriately named Weirdo gets sick in summer girl or according to the Manga hero name generator at seventhsanctum.com Nunurui.

Coming up with a superhero name was surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. I mean I thought of all the strongest most positive characteristics in myself and figured I could come up with something.. anything but nope.

I mean Strong Willed Positive Aggressively Organized Girl Who Wants to Save the World just doesn't have a really smooth ring to it. Ya know? The bad guy would be long gone before someone even finished calling out my name for help!

Well the super action charged characters of the wildly popular Japanese comic Bleach don't have that problem. I thought about borrowing one of their names for my Super Hero Nom de Guerre but then that wouldn't have been very super hero'ish of me.

I can't say that I've ever been a huge fan or follower of Anime, well other than my brief Aeon Flux addiction, but I have always had admiration for the art work.

For those who are big fans of the genre and Bleach in specific there is good news.

NCM Fathom and Viz Media present Bleach the Movie showing in select movie theatres nationwide for two nights only - June 11th and 12th at 7:30 PM!

All you have to do is post every day for an entire month. It sounds easy. It is only a little. It's mostly a lot harder than you'd think.

So I made it through May and I think I'm going to take a break before signing up again. I'm pretty good about posting once or twice a week, occasionally even more but having to come up with a creative entertaining post every single day got to be a bit of a drag on my creative genius.

But if you've never done it then I encourage you to sign up for June. I know we're already 4 days in but it's not too late. June's theme is HOME.

So if you love home, have a lot of places that feel like home to you or just really love home decorating then I'm sure you'd have plenty to blog about!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

It doesn’t matter how old I get I LOVE Disney Movies. I always have, and hopefully I always will.

When I was a teenager I’d drag my little brother and sister with me to the movies so that I’d be the only “not kid” there watching the latest Disney release. Of course I’d usually end up having to pay for them to watch something they wanted to see before or after but it was worth it.

As I got older I stopped caring about being the only adult without a child in the theater. Anastasia came out on my 24th birthday and I took myself to see it as a present. It’s still one of my favorites.

I can’t tell you how happy I am that my niece Marley seems to have acquired my love for Disney movies. She can sit and watch The Little Mermaid over and over and over again. She really loves the princess movies. She’s such a little girly girl and loves all things princess-ee. Purses and necklaces and shoes… oh my God that child LOVES shoes. She’s 2 and has more pairs of shoes than I do!

I used to have quite a Disney DVD Collection but somewhere over the years and many moves they (and all of my other movies) have long since vanished.

Well my sister has decided that since I’m the Disney aficionado it’s only right that I be responsible for supplying Marley with her very own Disney movie collection. I don’t think I need to tell you how expensive that has the potential to become!

But there is good news! Disney has this great gifting program that allows you to purchase several movies at discounted prices and have a new movie shipped each month to whomever you decide to “gift”. You can order as few as 3 or as many as 12 Disney DVD's. You can pick them yourself, let Disney pick them for you or send a gift list to whomever you're buying for and let them pick the movies they want.

The more movies you purchase the cheaper the unit price. For example, if you go with a 3 month gift package the movies are $19.95 each, and if you go with a 12 month gift package (a movie a month for an entire year!!) they are only $14.94 each. The only drawback that I can see to this program is that you're not billed each month for each video shipped but rather one lump bill up front as soon as the order is placed. I'm sure anyone can agree that $14.99 a month is considerably more feasible than $180 in one fell swoop. I'm thinking I'll have to make supplying Marley's Disney collection her Christmas present this year. But how cool will that be? A present that lasts all year long!

Oh! And regardless of how many you order, 3, 6, 9, or 12, shipping is always free and you, well whomever you're buying for gets this absolutely adorable Mickey Mouse watch with the first video.

Isn't it too cute!

I used to have a Mickey Mouse watch when I was a kid. I loved it! I think I over wound it once and broke the spring.

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD) Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

Well-liked. Well-established. You are The Loverboy. Loverboys thrive in committed, steady relationships—as opposed to, say, Playboys, who want sex without too much attachment.

You've had many relationships and nearly all of them have been successful. You're a nice guy, you know the ropes, and even if you can be a little hasty with decisions, most girls think of you as a total catch. Your hastiness comes off as spontaneity most of the time anyhow, making you especially popular in your circle of friends, too.

You know not to make the typical Loverboy mistake of choosing someone who appreciates your good humor and popularity, but who offers nothing in return. You belong with someone outgoing, independent, and creative. Otherwise, you'll get bored. And then instead of surprising her with flowers or a practical joke, you'll surprise her by leaving.

Being like the chic they claim is my exact opposite certainly has some appeal. But they did get part of it right. All right most of it. I have high ideals about love and relationships and I am can be ridiculously a little picky. But hey, like I've said before we're talking forever and ever here. A girl's gotta have some standards. Right? (This is where you nod vigorously and agree with me vehemently) The part they got so wrong they weren't even in the ball park on was the having lots of female friends.

I've never gotten along very well with girls. I tend to think and act more like a guy (matter of fact/straight forward) so I don't have a lot of patience or tolerance for the games most chics play. I don't do subtle or coy, and I have no interest whatsoever in brand names, spending hours on my hair and face or torturing myself in a ridiculous pair of shoes because they make my calves and ass look good.

Give me a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and some honest intelligent conversation and I'm good to go. I don't flirt (at least consciously) or giggle or twirl my hair. I like sports and monster trucks and I don't mind getting dirty (get your minds out of the gutter). I can open my own door, pull out my own chair and don't like walking in front just because I'm a lady. Ok because I'm female, lady may be pushing it. I burp and fart, yes I said fart, and if I sniff because my nose is stopped up and I get a mouth full of snot I'm going to spit it out via an expertly curled tongue.

I think I just explained why I'm still single.

That's not to say I'm all tomboyish. I do own a few skirts and I paint my toenails. I'm just not delicate and don't really care to be treated like I am. If the peanut butter jar lid is really tight I'll ask a guy to open it, but only after I've exhausted every effort to do it myself. What can I say, I'm a little independant.

I went to visit an old school friend back in January and when it comes to etiquette he is the perfect gentleman. He opened the door to the car, the house, whatever store or restaraunt we went in. He waited until I'd gotten in front of him to follow behind me (no it wasn't to look at my ass) then stepped up and around me to open and hold the door so I could go in first. It drove me absolutely NUTS! I don't like people walking behind me, I don't like waiting for someone to open the door when I'm perfectly capably of doing it myself (except when it was snowing then I wish his butt would have been gentlemanly a little faster - it was freaking cold!).

It's not that I don't enjoy being taken care of, I do. I just enjoy it in different ways. Send me a text to let me know you're thinking about me. Lay your head in my lap so I can play with your hair while you tell me about your day. It's those kinds of extra attention that I really love.

I think it's because I'm the oldest child and have always been in a caregiver role with most everyone in my life that I have such a problem with being on the receiving end of those kinds of social niceties. I'm the person who takes care of others, not the person being taken care of. I imagine that's just another of my personality quirks that makes it so hard for me to find someone I mesh well with.

I mean I loved that my friend was such a gentleman and it felt nice to have someone want to do things for me.. for all of about 5 minutes. Then I was over it and it became annoying. He laughed at me when I asked him to stop opening the truck door for me. Then when I told him not to walk behind me, walk beside or in front of me instead he just looked at me like I was weird.

Ya know I think I just had an epiphany. I'm not sure it's so much being an oldest child as it is being OCD. I am fully capable of admitting that I am a control freak. I like things my way, how I want it done, when I want it done and where I want it done and if someone else insists on doing something, I'm likely to wait until they're done then redo it to my liking.

I'm sure it's a coping mechanism that any psychologist could link to some tramatic event from my childhood (and there were a few). But it works for me. I just hope there's some uber flexible guy out there who can make it work for him too.