Monday, March 10, 2008

The Monster known as Hillary Clinton argues that Barack Obama is an inexperienced, unrealistic, plagiarizing, Ken Starr-imitating, scandal-linked empty suit who would be ill-prepared to answer late night phone calls when "something happens in the world".

Hillary Clinton spends every day arguing that Barack Obama isn't ready for the White House. Hell, if you have to choose between Barry O and John McCain, Monster Hillary Clinton recommends considering McCain.

Well, no matter how much crap they try to pile on the Obama candidacy, he keeps on trucking. Clinton needs votes and apparently the pool of dumb-asses willing to believe the shit she spews and/or ready to overlook her insane web of hypocrisies and lies is running dry. The only place left to secure votes? People who dig Obama, but who have a few reservations (maybe inspired by the Monster's fibs).

The Clintons long ago mastered the art of political triangulation. It worked well against Republicans for Bill. Now their testing the techniques within the Democratic party.

That's right, if you vote for Hillary, you'll get Obama as Vice President. Maybe. Well, at least that's what she's saying. Witness this little bit of campaign nonsense as reported by the AP:Speaking to voters in Mississippi, where Sen. Barack Obama is expected to do well in next week's primary, Clinton said, "I've had people say, 'Well I wish I could vote for both of you. Well, that might be possible some day. But first I need your vote on Tuesday."

It is the second time this week that she has hinted at a joint ticket with the Illinois senator...

Former President Bill Clinton, his wife's most prominent supporter, can't contain his enthusiasm for the Clinton-Obama idea. He said the ticket would be "almost unstoppable." And he explained that Obama "would win the urban areas and the upscale voters and she wins the traditional rural areas that we lost when President Reagan was president. If you put these two things together, you'd have an almost unstoppable force."

It's pure genius. If you love Obama but worry about his ability to win against Hillary or are stupid enough to think that the Clinton experience argument makes a shred of sense, it's the perfect compromise. You can swallow a little bit of vomit and vote for the known commodity, the Monster. The kid comes along for the ride as Veep.

It's a two for one deal, and Americans love bargains. Vote for Hillary, get Obama! The unstoppable ticket.

And you KNOW it only runs one way, because Hillary is such a "fighter" ("fighter" is the new "bitch", by the way)that she'll never take the co-pilot position.

A Clinton/Obama ticket is also a sneaky form of blackmail. We all know that Hillary will fuck things up until Denver burns to the ground if people let her get away with it. She's a Monster/Fighter with no concerns for any greater good and will go down swinging, failing, screaming, kicking and lawyering while trying to call in every favor even potentially owed to anyone with the last name "C".

Many within the party are downright nervous about how this whole thing is going to play out. They don't like the increased ugliness coming from Monsterland and they don't like the idea of squandering resources, time and candidate images with prolonged party infighting.

That makes a Clinton/Obama ticket even more attractive. If a ton of Obama backers jump ship for Hillary (especially in Pennsylvania, I suppose), one can at least imagine a compromise solution with Obama on the bottom of the ticket.

If you vote for Hillary, she'll bring Obama along for the November fun-fest and you don't have to feel guilty about your vote. Plus, it creates at least some little sliver of hope that she won't go completely ape-shit in the face of defeat.

Like most things out of Hillary's lying mouth, however, the idea has problems. Three of them come to mind immediately.

1. It's an overstep. Hillary is in no position to argue that Obama should be her VP. I know Hillary doesn't like to have that reality thing drag her down, but she's losing. Losing. Losers don't pick. It's silly.

2. It lacks internal consistency. That's a nice way to say that it makes absolutely no fucking sense if anything she's said in the past month about Obama is true. Remember, Barack sucks ass and isn't fit to pick up a phone, according to Hillary. He's Ken Starr in blackface, committed to destroying those nice folk from Arkansas who only want to help the rest of our national village. He's not ready. He's unqualified.

If that's true, why on God's green earth would anyone want to have Obama as VP? Why would Hillary want to put such an inferior politician on her ticket? Why would she let the guy who hasn't passed the Commander in Chief threshhold sit one heartbeat away from the job?

It makes no sense. You can't have it both ways. He can't be a VP option if he can't wipe his own ass, right?

Well, Hillary is now out there dangling the possibility of Obama joining her team in front of crowds as she begs for votes. There are only a few possible conclusions we can draw from this.

Hillary really doesn't believe Obama is unqualified. That would, obviously, be another tally in the "Hillary is a big fucking liar" column and would be an admission that her whole campaign is substantively bankrupt.

Hillary does believe her anti-Obama stances, but is willing to sell out to win. This option is just as sickening. If she really does think Obama is a mere empty suit, it means she's willing to compromise the fate of the nation to score a few more votes. If she believes her own arguments, putting Obama on the ticket would be wholly unacceptable.

Hillary just makes shit up as she goes along.

None of those options really make her look like less of a Monster, do they?

3. Obama isn't interested. Whoops. Bill and Hillary want people to believe Obama could be part of the Clinton legacy. Someone should've talked to Barry first. He's not applying for the job. It ain't gonna happen, Hillary.

The good news for Monster fans is that none of this really matters. Nothing every really matters when Hillary says it. It's said in the moment, for the moment, and has no connection to the greater reality.

She and Bill mentioned the joint ticket idea, hoping to carve off a few of the moron votes who don't realize how stupid the idea really is. Now that the idea is out there and those who happen to have functioning cerebral cortexes will expose it for more Monster Crap, it will disappear into the dustbin of history. She will have lined up another handful of dim-witted voters and things will roll on to whatever bizarre one-day trick she uses next.