some days I quietly rememberthat warm night in Septemberwhen I found you by the oceanboth overcome with emotionI knew I’d found the reasonI had to keep believingbecause you smiled and words were spokenand I knew… never again would I be broken

• • • • •

[I always think my rhyming poetry is terrible… but I was so happy I was able to write something that I’m sharing it anyway. I hope it’s okay. And this is not based on a true story (bummer)… it’s based on characters from my ‘secret book’.]

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.

I agree with you whole-heartedly, Peter. Poetry is a creation of the artist. It is what the artist says it is and there are no rules. Good words of encouragement. I extend mine as well. Keep creating, Sandra you do it because you know you have to.

I don’t know… that’s why it sucks so much. I just feel terrible. I can’t get rid of that empty pointless feeling. And I can’t get myself to do anything. Like… anything. Didn’t even want to get out of bed. 🙁

It’s supposed to be warmer tomorrow… 50-ish, maybe. But the kids have a half day… so I will probably be entertaining them all afternoon. And the morning? Well, I’ll probably be dragging my lazy ass out of bed just in time to shower and pick them up. *Sigh*

Try this. Tell yourself: “I’m gonna get a solid nights sleep and get up in the morning, shower, go for a walk, then do something fun with the kids to celebrate the half day. Tomorrow is gonna be a good day.”

And type it out in response to this response…so I know you actually repeated it! 😏

But go into it thinking the opposite. Going into it thinking it’s gonna be a shitty day, and it will be. Going in thinking positive, even if forced, and you at least give yourself a fighting chance.

Wow… you know me so well. Yep… I admit it… I was totally rolling my eyes.

Does copy/paste count?

I’m gonna get a solid nights sleep and get up in the morning, shower, go for a walk, then do something fun with the kids to celebrate the half day. Tomorrow is gonna be a good day.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear… and maybe you won’t even believe me… but I don’t make a decision to think negatively… nor can I make one to think positively. It just happens. It’s totally out of my control. At least that’s how it feels. So… yeah.

And you’re right about me on this one, too… I seriously doubt I’m going to do more than get my ass out of bed and grab a shower… maybe eat something… and pick up the kids. And then tell them to do homework a hundred times… until they eventually do it.

Ha! You’re killin’ me here. Ok. I get that it’s not a choice. However, if you fight those bad vibes when they first start comin’ on with some good vibes, or even just a “Fuck you, bad vibes. Not today motherfucker!” kinda mindset, besides rolling your eyes at my lingering nonsense, what’s the worst that can happen? Give it a try. 😊

I will. I keep noticing more and more that I feel so much better when I’m not alone. Even if the kids are off doing homework or whatever… even if my husband is in his basement cave… just knowing someone is home makes me feel better…

I didn’t even make it home from dropping off kids before I started crying. My back is hurting a lot. Maybe I zapped it too much last night. I don’t know but I’m scared because it feels so bad. What if I damaged something? I’m sorry for being so pathetic.

Ugh. Well, try ice after using the TENS. Most people like heat more than the ice, but ice is more effective. Try the e-stim still, but maybe decrease the intensity a bit, maybe leave it on less time. But try to ice it. It’s uncomfortable, but it helps. Do you stretch it at all? Does it help if you do?

No worries. You don’t have to have apologize. This topic is kinda in my wheelhouse. When you go back to PT, ask about ultrasound or diathermy. One of those may be more effective for you. Keep doing your stratches and maybe even some core strengthening. A lot of back pain can be attributed to weak core muscles and ensuing lack of support anteriorly.

Thanks. It just seems the harder I try, the worse it gets. I don’t know that I’ve had any improvement since I started. It’s hard to say for sure because I’ve always had better days and worse days… add I still do. I don’t think I’ve had any more good days since I started. I may have even had fewer.

I’m an emotional disaster anyway but when this pain gets bad, I fall apart even more. I don’t want to be in pain forever but I think that’s what’s going to happen. It upsets me. 🙁

I’m having trouble not crying now that the kids are home. If it’s not the zapping, I don’t know why it’s so bad today. I finally try to do something about this pain and now it’s getting worse. WTF? I’m cursed.

I don’t think the Advil did shit for me, by the way. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep so I can’t feel anything.

Oh hon, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine the e-stun making it worse, but I’m not sure what, if anything, different you may have done today. If you think it’s the e-stim bothering it today, lay off of it for a bit. Try the ice pack again. See if you can get your husband to massage it down.

No, the tingling will linger a bit after it’s removed. The idea is that the more days used, the longer lasting the effect will become. I wouldn’t worry much about it hurting you. It’s very low voltage. You don’t have any metal in your back?

But I used it last night. Is it weird to still have tingling today? I’m sorry… that word sounds dirty to me. Tingling. Okay. Anyway… no, I have no metal anywhere in my body. Unless I put on earrings. 😛

I’m sure it’s not your fault. I had been wanting to try that anyway. I just think that by the time I felt like everything was in the right place, the timer was half way through so I reset it. I probably shouldn’t have done that. Also, my chiropractor has used it on me in the past and nothing like this ever happened… and I’ve used ours before without this happening. So I really don’t know what any of this means. It’s probably my fault. It usually is. But I notice that the pain feels different today. I’m not even sure how to explain it. And I’m worried about telling the PT about this because she’s going to think I’m insane.

No, I’d tell her about it. Tell her about the change in intensity of pain, where, about sitting and laying positions that may help or have been different lately. It’s your spine that bothers you, correct? It’s bone pain rather than muscle pain?

I don’t know if it’s muscle or bone. It does feel like I have a knot in my lower back on the left side that’s been there for a very very long time… despite anything I’ve ever tried. I’ve always assumed it was muscle pain but I don’t know how I’d differentiate that from bone pain. On the x-ray, I have a little curve in my lower back that goes toward the left… at least that’s what it looked like to me.

Any unnatural curve of the spine is gonna kink the nerve paths, thus pain. Chiropractor didn’t help? Keep in mind as well that abnormal tightness in a muscle(s) that innervates around the spine can exacerbate the awkward pull on the original area of the spine that’s affected. I bet a good massage on that muscle belly and ligaments would give you some relief. Can you talk somebody in the house into doing that for you?

I’ve been going to a chiropractor for years (not very frequently… once a month or six weeks)… I don’t think it has ever helped and I should stop spending on it. Massage… haha – “somebody in the house”… well my son or daughter won’t do it! That leaves one…

My spine is a little curved… I never knew. I’ve had pain for years and I just figured I had to live with it. Over the years it has gradually gotten worse so I finally mentioned it to my doctor and she sent me for an x-ray so that’s how I know now. I started PT almost a month ago. I don’t expect I’m ever going to get better.

Somehow I missed this comment before. I’ve never worn anything. I think it might make it worse because I think it would give me too much back support… like, too much arch support… and I feel better when I’m curled up into a ball. And I’m scared as hell to have any kind of surgery. I think I’d have to figure out how to live with the pain. Although I’m not sure I can.

After the x-ray, the doc did say I have “a little arthritis”… but the curve was what she focused on. Massage is usually around $100… acupuncture may be a little less. I can get a small (very small) discount with my insurance but not much… not enough to make it affordable. I’d have a massage daily if I could. It would help me with many things…

I rhyme 99% of the time. I know it isn’t considered cool by most “enlightened” writers, but it is how my brain works. Just keep writing. Share what you feel like sharing, but always keep writing. Even if you don’t like it, someone will. I’m always surprised, I get the biggest reactions from posts I almost didn’t publish. Just keep writing!!!

If you want to be honest…. I really don’t know what I’m doing either. I just close my eyes and write what I feel. If I think, I’m overthinking it. Not everything is good that I put down, but I tend to enjoy the ones I don’t realize I wrote.

I really do like this poem, it seems like a memory from when you were with someone you enjoyed and had a great night on the beach. Those types of adventures are my favorite, when you really meet someone you will never forget. If you have a chance check out my poetry and art. Have a great weekend! caelidotblog.wordpress.com/2017/12/30/the-woman-in-blue/

beautiful poem and boy do I appreciate your honesty in saying you are critical of your rhyming poetry. I have that same issue and some times feel as though I force myself not to rhyme in fear of the self-criticism I dislike. Good to know I am not alone in that, though I hope to break from the notion.

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