97 years old and STILL A very Private Man...

WHEN the married head of a European nation stands accused of secret liaisons with other women and infidelity to his wife, it is natural for the world to want to know more.

Published: 00:01, Fri, January 17, 2014

We are therefore very pleased to have secured an exclusive interview with the man at the centre of this alleged scandal, in which we had the chance to put to him the questions that have been bothering the nation. A pair of guards armed with pikestaffs ushered us into a room at Hampton Court Palace, where King Henry VIII was draped comfortably on a throne.

“Your Highness,” we began, “we are sure our readers and your subjects would be grateful if we came straight to the point and asked you if there is any truth in these allegations that you were married five times before you wed Catherine Parr, our Queen.”

“Ha!” boomed the King in a confident and terrifying voice. “Each and every person in their private lives can go through difficult periods and this is our case. Let me say, however, that this is a private matter and what is important is the state of our economy and our position in Europe.”

“Yes but what everyone wants to hear is whether it’s true that the Queen is so traumatised by your infidelity that she’s scurried off to hospital and that two of your earlier wives were also named Catherine.”

“That’s absolute nonsense,” bellowed the King. “One of them was Katherine with a K. There was only one other Catherine with a C, not that I’m admitting anything, mind you. This is neither the time nor the place for such matters.”

“The magazine report says that you spent fortunes on tapestries and had Catherine Howard and Anne Boleyn both beheaded. Is that true?”

Each and every person in their private lives can go through difficult periods and this is our case

“They were judicially beheaded,” the King said. “Nothing wrong with that. And anyway,” he guffawed, “it was one way to get the necklace off Ms Howard and save money. It had ‘to Catherine with all my love’ on it and I wanted it for someone else, once the blood had been washed off. Let’s get back to the European question, can we?”

“In a moment,” we said, “but first can you explain how a fat fellow like you manages to have affairs with so many women?”

“This is outrageous,” said the King. “We have a war against France to pursue, the Scots are demanding independence, the Pope’s causing trouble and I have a full programme of monastery dissolution to carry out. And all you’re interested in is the effect on my sex life of my weight, which I might add is larger than it might be only as a result of an old jousting wound, which has made strenuous exercise more difficult.”

“Not so difficult, if these magazine reports are correct, that you can’t put on a suit of armour as a disguise, have yourself lifted on to a horse and speed over to the apartment of an actress for a night of strenuous exercise.”

We had time only to add the words “God save the Queen” before the guards reappeared and carted us off to the Tower of London, from where these words were filed. God save the King.