Thursday, December 3, 2009

An Open Letter to Elin Nordegren Woods

Dear Mrs. Woods,

First of all, we would like to express just how truly sorry we are that you and children are having to deal with this awful situation so publicly. We would also like you to know that your husband is crazy. Insane in the membrane. How any dude could have you -- in all your annoyingly Nordic perfection -- at home, and then go seek out OPP (other people's, um... punjana) is beyond our reckoning. We also think the fact that you tried to go upside your cheating husband's head with an 8-iron was completely bad-ass. Are you sure you're not American? Because when we heard what you did, we were like "USA! USA! Hit Him Again! Harder! Harder!"

We also admire your restraint. We're pretty sure the driver was just as handy as the 8-iron. Also, you could have used a firearm. The Cap'n knows I shoot to kill. He has quoted former House Majority leader Dick Armey in anticipation of my response. When Dick was asked about the whole Clinton/Lewinsky business and if he would resign, he said: "I would not have gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own blood, looking up, and listening to my wife ask, 'How do you reload this son of a bitch?'"

Is it me, or does Mrs. Armey sound fantastic? If McLovin' ever strays, Kate will put on her pointiest Jimmy Choos and kick so hard that his testicles will be unable to descend. Ever.

But let's get serious. As you're not American, now might be a good time to fill you on two important items related to marriage, divorce and the Florida penal code.

Item 1: While it may have seemed like a very good idea at the time (and still does - to us), hitting your husband in the face with a golf club is still *technically* considered assault with a deadly weapon. We know. Stupid, right? But the law is the law. In many Florida counties "he had it coming" is still considered a valid legal defense. Alas, it will probably not apply to you.

Item 2: Once in Texas, a wife got really mad at her husband and ran him over. A couple of times. Again, bad-ass. However this too was maybe not the wisest course of action. But her trial yielded this priceless gem of American legal wisdom: "In our country, when a marriage is ending we don't kill our partner. We divorce them. And make them wish they were dead."

We would like to offer you our sage wisdom on this matter. Since becoming bloggers, Kate and I have undergone a remarkable transformation. We used to be friends; now we are conspirators. We used to chat; now we plot. We used to be crafty in the sense that we could use a hot glue gun. Now we are crafty in the manner of those who practice espionage and carry concealed weapons. So, you see, we are so qualified to advise you on your next steps. You need a plan. You need strategy. Grab a pen and start taking notes.

Basically, you have two choices; stay or go. There are many options for making his life a living hell should you choose either option. Shall we elucidate?

If you leave him:

Please take every penny of the reported $300 MILLION that your husband will be forced to part with. Then take some of that money and create a tiger sanctuary. And then learn veterinary medicine so that you can neuter all the males yourself. Adorn them with pretty bows. We think that sends a pleasant, sun-shiney message.

Also, you are nauseatingly attractive. Your husband - not so much. You could take all Tiger's money and then trade up. Publicly. There are lots of men out there who are your equal in looks who would be happy to console you. Then you could be photographed with the your new gorgeous boyfriend with captions like: "Elin looks relaxed and glowing and says it feels great to finally have an orgasm be happy again."

If you stay with him:
Do not do the lame political wife bullsh*t (we don't mean you, Mrs. Armey). If you have a press conference about staying together and how he is so sorry and blah, blah, blah. Be real. Do it for us. No Chanel suit. No demure make-up. Wear a tight dress. Show the twins. Have your hand on one hip and a baby on the other. Roll your eyes and give him The Look. Mutter under your breath that he's a douchebag. Trust us, it would be so awesome.

Also, stay in the marriage on your terms. For example, one term could be his getting a facial tattoo that reads "FLACCID". Or he could have to wear a shirt (or black ball cap or whatever) whenever he leaves the house that says: "I am married and I have a hot wife and if you are close enough to read this she is probably going to hit you with an 8-iron". These are just some helpful suggestions. We have lots more.

As a final thought, we'd really like to thank you. Like buy you rounds of drinks, thank you. Because you are the new cautionary tale for husbands. You remind them that maybe, in this instance, they don't want to be a Tiger. That maybe it would be better and safer if they just keep their balls on the fairway and their putters in their pants.