Tuesday, June 23, 2009

this living

I've been processing this thought for a few days now. And it could start a onslaught of comments, so I'm beginning with this caveat: I know that I am single, that I don't know what a real relationship is, etc. But I also know that I'm in a different place in my life, and this realization is important enough that I am returning to my blogging.

A month ago I got a letter from a friend in my home ward. She's a lawyer with a sweet husband and three cute/crazy boys. But she met her husband and got married later in life. Not crazy late, we're going to spend our retirement together, but later--post degrees, etc. Which means she understands, to some degree, where I'm at in my life. It's nice to have that. It's brought up some new ways of thinking about my life and my current situation.

On Sunday, another friend was in Chicago. We had a few hours to hang out, walk up and down Michigan Ave, and did I mention that it was that guy I've had the world's longest crush on? I realized as we were talking that I've had a lot of frustration and anger, etc, directed not just at this guy, but at all single men, really. And I thought it was just the stereotypical bitter/cynical single girl in me. But I've felt that way for a long time--threatened by men, angry with them.

I read the letter again on my way home from meeting Michael. She wrote about all the things she was able to do before getting married and starting a family, so now she doesn't mind spending her time watching kids movies, etc. And I realized that I'm not frustrated or angry with men, but with me. Because I knew that when I found the right man, I would have felt the need to give everything up for that relationship.

I know I don't have to do that. But part of it is because I have this time to live my life. To get my education, to live in Chicago, to travel, etc. And, realizing all this, I feel like I can let go of that resentment and anger and everything.