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I can't eat or sleep

I have never felt more alone, scared, confused before in my life. The overwhelming guilt I feel . I haven't wrapped any gifts I still need to go and buy my family gifts. I'm in bed and can't get out. I physically feel sick... My tummy feels tgecwaybit did when my mom passed away. I can't stand to hear his voice. He is acting as if nothing happened. I hate him do much but I have to be civil to him around my little boys. Six and four. This will be the last Christmas we are all together.... Tgere is no star at the top of our tree . I can't stop crying. This hurts so bad. I wanted a family for my little guys so bay and this asshole I fell in love with has ruined it for me. I hate him so much. I have no desire to celebrate Christmas Eve or day with him. I don't want to get out if bed.

Soverysadtoo posted 12/24/2013 07:10 AM

I'm so new here, that I'm not sure I can give you any valuable advice, but I feel for you so much. Go put a fkn star on that Damn tree by yourself because you and your boys deserve a good holiday. You are strong and you will get passed this. I'm so sorry hun

justjim posted 12/24/2013 07:35 AM

My situation is also pretty fresh, so not sure I am one to be giving advice. But...

Get up. Eat something... anything. Drink lots of water. Think of your boys as your reason for doing these things. As much as you don't deserve what is happening to you, they deserve it even less. they are truly innocent.

My everyday movements are still robotic after a month. The pain is still there, but I am gradually beginning to be able to function. The holidays are forcing me to do some things that I would not otherwise be able to do in this situation, so in some ways it is a blessing.

Please, PLEASE take care of yourself for you and your boys, and let us know how it is going.

I will check in hoping for a progress report later. (((Serenityplz)))

hurtsobadinside posted 12/24/2013 08:06 AM

Serenityplz

Sending you "HUGS" and "STRENGTH" to get through this roller-coaster ride that you had no vote on the ticket purchase. This journey will be the most painful and excruciating experience you have ever felt.

Now that you know this...know it does get better in time. Know that the decision to stay or leave the marriage will be yours....and thats only "IF" you have a remorsful spouse.

In my case, our only child (in college at the time)had a multi-year Eating disorder which consumed us.... people know so little about eating disorders and I can say the same for the doctors we saw... multiple psychiatrists and psychologists...over a 4 yr period.

I didnt confront wayward wife until 6 weeks after my D-day. ..and gave her a second chance only because of our daughter and today i dont regret that decision. Our daughter had threatened suicide multiple times and was down to 90# (5'8" and a dancer...and of course a dancers body)

Focus on your boys....make them the center of your universe now....for the short term...make their Christmas a good one and no matter how hard it feels, treat your wayward husband with kindness for your sons sake thru Christmas.

If you decide to offer him the "gift" of reconsiliation, the decision to tell others of his infidelity, will be up to you.... there are betrayed spouses on SI that went in both directions (some told others ...some did not)...and will advise you the pros and cons... in the end its up to you.

Right now, make sure to eat, drink liquids excercize...and if needed talk to your dr. and get some meds to help you sleep and or handle your stress/anxiety

Advil PM helpd me sleep for at least 5 hrs before the mind pictures came back. Plus Advil or Tylenol is not habit forming as prescribed meds are.

Do not make any major decisions now.... you have all the time in front of you to make a major decision.

Get yourself into IC...and he needs IC also from what you have told us. ..and eventually MC if you give him the "Gift" of R.

Again...sending you great big hugs, perseverence, fortitude and strength for this journey.

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"

Daisy312 posted 12/24/2013 08:14 AM

Im 19 mo out, and I remember those feelings as if it was yesterday. My two girls are what did and are getting me through this mess. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for them. Get up, get dressed and make yourself look amazing! Then you fake it til you make it. He has taken enough from you and he does not have the right to take away your joy! ((Serenityplz))

Justgreatnews posted 12/24/2013 08:19 AM

Yes, it really makes you question how people can be so selfish and uncaring to risk putting someone thru this. From what I read, your symptoms are textbook. I sure had them. Really did not sleep for the first three days, barely ate.

Since then, (one month) my sleep has gradually improved, and I'm better at forcing myself to eat. For sleep, if you have never tried melatonin and/or valerian root, they really help to make you drowsy, are gentle, and not really addictive. Available in the vitamin section.

Of course, I still have nights I can't sleep, and end up on the couch.

Yes, very thoughtful and caring behavior our spouses can engage in.

justjim posted 12/24/2013 16:21 PM

Checking in on you.

I've had a decent day until the last hour or so. Starting to trigger hard on Christmas Eve.

Know that you are not alone.

allyk2014 posted 12/24/2013 16:50 PM

((((serenity))))) I can't stop crying either and could have written your post. It is so much harder this time of year. Thinking of you.

NotFixable posted 12/24/2013 17:33 PM

(((Serenityplz))) My heart breaks for you. I could have written your post during my 1st week after DD. The thing I did a couple of weeks later that I wish I had done immediately is to call my doctor for some anti-depressants. They take a few days to produce results and I feel a little better now, so I wish I had done it right away. I also take Benadryl on the nights I can't sleep and that seems to help for at least a few hours of sleep. I know how hard it is to put on that happy face for the sake of your kiddos, but please do your best. I'm struggling with this myself. WSs do so much damage without even so much as a second thought! Know that you are not alone in this. We are all here to listen and offer support. Please take care of yourself.

Roxyme765 posted 12/24/2013 18:28 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this on the holidays. I am new to this site. Separated and trying to figure out what to do. I remember when I first found out I literally didn't eat for two weeks. And another reason I was so angry at my husband was because I had our daughter the entire time and had to suck it up so she didn't know what was going on. I don't think anyone can understand how hard that is - needing time to just break down but not being able to because you have your children. Now that I look back though I am glad my daughter was there because it forced me to continue on. Just remember that your boys are your life and you keep strong for them. It's still so hard but you will get past the every day crying. You go do Christmas with your boys. <HUGS!>

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/25/2013 00:31 AM

(((Serenityplz)))

Hi there dear heart.

I'm so so sorry you are having such an beyond awful time not being able to get out of bed.

Been there, just like you.

Please go and see your doctor as soon as you can. All doctors have holiday coverage so you don't have to wait another day. Make the call!
And ALSO re Your Guilt...

If had the flu, and were with a fever of 103 and in bed and literally did not have a spec of energy to wrap presents, you would probably feel terribly, but not as terribly guilty as I imagine you are feeling right now, right????

So, please give yourself a Big Break about the Guilt! Really truly, it's like you've been hit by a bus, a truck, or been hurled through the sea in a tsunami. It's really okay to not be able. Let the guilt go; you are ill, it's not your fault, and you do not need to beat yourself about that ON TOP of everything else!

Please think about that. The Flu, The Truck.

Now, please get up and put something in your mouth. A drink of orange juice, a piece of cheese, an sliced orange or whatever you can get into you.

If you had kids in diapers, you WOULD get up to change them. So do the minimum of what you MUST do to take care of your kids.

Take one step, and then rest, and then take another.

Your kids will keep you going, and please heed the advice of others re doctor. Please don't let yourself spiral. This is the most difficult thing in the world to deal with at this time of year!

I'll be looking out for you. I hope you post again to let us know how you are doing, and you don't have to be brave, just be you. We'll all support you in the best way we can and help guide you through this terrible time!!!

xoxxoxox

justjim posted 12/25/2013 18:37 PM

Checking in again.

Hope to hear positive news from you soon!

Keebler posted 12/25/2013 18:49 PM

I feel the same way you do (I found out on Saturday of my husband's new love that he plans to marry and take care of forever). My stomach feels sick. It is twisted and falls to the pits of my knees when I think of the information I have uncovered since Saturday. I too want to crawl in bed and sleep forever. It is so hard. Take deep breaths, that's the only thing working for me

beyondpain6107 posted 12/25/2013 18:51 PM

(((((Serenityplz)))))

Yes, I've been there; gently, but firmly I'm telling you, get up!!!! You ARE stronger than you know or think!!! I promise!! If, not for yourself, then for your little ones. Listen to some strong positive music.....Pink's "so what" was one of my favs...."dare you to move" switch foot.....those come to my mind. You HAVE to get up.........

selkiescot posted 12/30/2013 15:05 PM

WHy do You feel guilty? This is 100% on your WH's shoulders. You might not be perfect, none of us are,but, you didn't choose to cheat.
The time has come for you to move. Get up get dressed and take baby steps forward. Have you talked an attorney yet? have you talked to your doctor about STd testing? These very small things will help you.
You must do this to protect your boys. They are learning that this behaviour is ok. That hurting someone intentionally and without remorse is fine. They will emulate their father if you do not intervene.
The longer you allow your husband to live without consequences to his dipicable behaviour the harder it will be for you to make those consequences real. yes it hurts, like nothing you have ever dealt with but you have to children you need to protect.
it's good that you are feeling angry. Anger will make you stonger. You should be angry. How dare he
expose you to life threatening illnesses? How dare he d the same to his sons?