Like Brein Brown says, is it confused with weakness? And if so, why and when does it cross that line?

May be painful to see emotions that we can recognize and empathize with.

It may just look crazy and unusual psychosis seems fascinating to most.

It may depend on how much understanding ones self has on issues with vulnerability and the human mind/emotion machine

Or to compare the others ‘infraction’ to the severity of their own (unless a sociopath of course!) and weigh in on wether they themselves are within the acceptability levels of modern society.

Maybe it is to test ourselves to see if we are truly seeing vulnerability or it is someone manipulating vulnerability?

……………………..

Also regarding the manipulation of vulnerability… if it is being done, is it being done consciencely or unconsciencely? If unbeknownst to the vulnerable one, is it really defering it to avoid revealing their true vulnerability?

……………………..

How much vulnerability is acceptable to show ourselves vs. the outside world.

I know i am much more real with myself than i would like the world to know about. The way societal views come in and out of fashion so quickly, will one revealing their vulnerabilities end up being shamed down the road & having it come back to haunt them? Making THEM the one that is then not accepted by society, when while behaving this way back then, it was perfectly normal.

Is it just perspective and point of view as well as personal beliefs and experiences that decide what way we take seeing anothers vulnerabilities? Or maybe it has more to do with how we feel about ourselves at that very moment as to how we feel towards seeing in a state of vulnerability.

I am still not too sure. Where is the line between having empathy for someone’s wrong doings vs. judging and writing them off for those acts? It is a very interesting thing for me to ponder….

On Christmas night. Right after finishing a lovely Christmas dinner with my dad and 3 of his friends, i receive the news. Reid is dead. What?!!? NO!! How on earth could this happen?

Reid and his boyfriend John Fox have been 2 of my closest and dearest friends for almost 20 years. They moved to Mexico two years ago after Reid’s brother (who was living in Mexico) went missing and was later found to be murdered. In the process of looking for his brother, Reid fell in love with the community that his brother had decided to call home for 21 years. After dealing with a lot of paperwork and legal tangles here in the states, John and Reid ended up moving down to the community that his brother had made his own. They had been down there for a little over a year.

We dont know what the cause of death is (possibly a blood clot from some small surgery to his toes 2 days prior. Regardless, he passed in his sleep while staying with John at his mom’s house.

When someone asks you… do you know anyone who has a perfect relationship? Most of the answers will be no. However, i did have one. One perfect pairing that lasted from start to finish for 21 years. This is John and Reid. They found each other early on in life and decided to be together then and there. Since then, they have formed a bond so tightly that they worked almost more as a single unit. They perfectly complimented each other. There was never a time where some other person put their relationship at risk. They loved being a couple. They were one.

How John will go on with the last half of his life? It is going to be tough i am sure. They planned on being together for much MUCH longer than this! John is strong though. He was the one that was more of the anchor and i am glad that it is him and not the other way around that has to pick up the pieces because i dont know if Reid could have if the tables were turned.

So on this season of thanks, i have to thank you Reid Gilbert. You brought this world so much happiness. You were one of the very best ones one could find. Even if you did not know Reid, we all have lost a giving loving soul. He was an amazing person who will be missed so much for so long.

So, for me, although the world did not stop for us all on Dec. 21, 2012, It did stop for Reid, and in turn, our lives (those who knew him) have ended an era as well.

I LOVE YOU REID GILBERT! I HOPE YOU CAN SEE FROM ABOVE, THE POSITIVE IMPACT YOUR LIFE HAS MADE ON SO MANY AND THAT YOU ARE AT PEACE. THANK YOU!! I miss you so!

In this day of technology, we don’t do many manual things to pass time besides reading & sleeping & eating. After not having my computer for so long, the first thing I did was pull it open. That worked until I just got another delay notice. Time to find my gate & visit the loo. After changing out of my wet (from getting caught in the rain earlier) clothes and freshening up, I found my gate… And it was packed! I found this table kinda in the middle but at the same time out of the way. For this stretch, I wanted to DO something! (Anything to alleviate the urge to want to smoke!). So, I pulled out a drawing l started a couple days ago. Our dear reader Katykins suggested that I take a picture of some of the stuff I have been working on. So, I give u a 2 in 1. My drawing (unfinished!) AND the airport! Hope u all have a fantastic. Holiday!!

Graffiti PURPOSELY PLACED on a home on the west slope of Bernal. I believe that our neighborhood has either 3 or 4 of these stencils up. They are done by an artist from Oakland (aka the old sf!)… Hopefully Wilson will have completely recovered from the Tommy Johns surgery and he is impressing Bocce a LOT… enough for us to offer him a competitive contract. Because at this point, Mr. Wilson is a free agent. How could we lose the beard that we all should fear?? What will i wear on game day??!! Dilemmas! Oh well, i am going to enjoy my bearded misfit champion team with Brian Wilson a part of the mismatched symphony of players and hope for the best!

The past month plus has been a very surreal experience for me. Two months ago, i had 2 perfectly working computers. Within 2 weeks I had zero. The last month and a half i have gotten to learn the jump in with both feet kind of learning curve, just how much my life and my anchoring to my life is based through my computer.

I have just been sort of drifting this last month and a half. I have been scattered, disconnected, out of touch and just kinda unhinged through this time. I have also had to do a lot of traveling back and forth to see my dad which really throws off my whole life schedule… but with no computer, no blog, no writing, no photos uploaded, no local news & no easy typing (the reading on my iphone was not ideal at this age either!)… I had nothing to anchor me down and so i just kinda spun.

The first section home between the first and second trip i partied my ass off. Staying up till dawn and just basically partying like i did in my early 20’s. It was fun, but boy oh boy did my room get messed up. I still have not fully recovered from it! All of the packing and unpacking and present wrapping and computer parts and machines in various states of repair has not helped the mess get fixed either though.

The next time i came home, i knew i was not going to party like i had the weeks before. That second period i was home, i tried to get up motivation so i restarted more seriously my exercise plan. Hiking longer and more regularly. It feels a lot better living life with exercise but it did not bring back my motivation. However, i did pick back up… and thanks to my friend Kenny, broke through my block & started drawing again, the first time in many months. It felt good.

The other thing i got back in with was cooking. It is the holidays so i made cookies and fudge and soup and cupcakes. It has been fun and, surprisingly, i have not had an unquenching urge to eat all that i have just cooked. It has been more fun feeding those around me which sure helps my waist line!

I am absolutely rusty and in all honesty, am totally surprised that i did not fuck my macbook up completely. I thought i had. I will go into detail the perils we survived to get us back online in a future post, but, It is late and it may be the end of the world tomorrow and if it is, i dont want to spend it in silly details of the luckiest girl with the toughest laptop in the world and instead tell you all just how much i have missed my place here with you. I have missed the conversations and the points of view. I have missed the friendship and the fantastic attitudes of you all. I am SO glad to be back to writing for you all! Like i said, i was not really thinking that i would have a working laptop tonight, so i have sorta had to wedge my brain back into the thinking and typing mode which has been on hiatus now for a while, but i am ready to start sweeping the cobwebs and getting back to the grind.

On one last note, i leave again Sunday evening for my dads for Christmas. This is awesome and at the same time sad for me because on Christmas eve of this year, it is going to be my little baby kitty Arthur and my one year anniversary. Unfortunately for us both, he will be home alone with my roommates on this day. I think i will be way more saddened on this day than he. But it does make me a little sad that we will not be spending our one year marker together, so for that reason, i am dedicating this posting to him. Here is to another year and as much progress as we have made this for next!

Check out this strange cloud formation I witnessed from the base of bernal on Mission st. My friend and I spent some time confirming that it was not smoke but a strange cloud formation that made it look like diamond heights was on fire! It is cool tho I think! Hope you like it too!!

So, I am hoping to get it fixed in the next day or 2 but, if my curse follows me into December, you may see a lul in my postings. I have not forgotten about all of you dear readers!! Infact I had not realized how much of a theraputic aid it has become to sit down at the machine & write. Just what I need… Another stress relief outlet closed…. (& it is supposed to rain all week so no hiking!:(. I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown if I’m not careful!!)

Anyway, I am doing all I can to be back to u with an opinion and up and running ASAP!!

It is also not a time in my life that i can falter at all. This is what all that hard work and preparedness was getting me ready for. The massive travel back and forth week at a time to get to my dads with bittersweet feelings… thankful that i CAN be there, that i have the time and that he is not all the way across or out of the country. I remember when my dad was in this mode with his aunt (like a mom). He had to drive up at least every other day from the south bay to San francisco to see her. Even thought my parents were separated, we (or just my brother and i or just me) would go up every or every other week. It was exhausting. It was stressful. It was emotional. It was wonderful to have been given that last bit of extra time!

When her time finally came, the feeling was different than i thought it would be for me. I dont know about how my dad felt, but I had felt this really big empty spot. A lot more empty and lonely than i would have thought in sort of a different way than i had thought.

We had this 2 bdrm apt. to completely go through, get appraisers out, call insurances etc as well as meeting with the lawyers and accountants. I kept feeling like one did when they were at camp for a week and it is finally time to go home. You are the last one to be picked up and the place feels SO empty to you. You feel more alone in that several hours than i think we feel most of our lives. Leaving camp was ALWAYS a tough thing for me. Kind of like leaving my little cat Arthur when i have to leave every time now. Separation anxiety! Panic. Pure panic.

This year with the holidays here, its needless to say that they were very important to me. That since my dad’s real failing health this last month i really just wanted to be with family. It is probably going to be the last year that my whole family will be here on earth so (aside from the potential apocalypse) this year holdays are especially poignant to me and somewhat surreal.

I know (as i have done many many times) that this will be one of those times that i will remember when looking back form the future. I can see history happening right before my own eyes can see it. I can sense it. I can feel the page starting to turn and the chapter is about to change. I think it is one of those things that mark a major growth and changing of eras.

Usually music, which may have not been integrated into my life hardly at all over the last so many months, now comes on full time (not even any news or chanel 9! No tv! I would rather use the Roku box to play Pandora than watch tv. And just a couple months ago, tv was my way of relaxing at the end of the day. Now i just cant stay focused on just one thing for that much time. Music you can hear while typing or packing or eating or drying ones hair.

Not only that, but a whole new grouping of music is starting to mark this period of time like a big memory timestamp. They (the songs) (wether i want them to or not!) are becoming the soundtrack for this new period of time.

The things i do and the way i feel and the things i see right now are going into a more permanent place in my brain banks because it is so filled with upcoming change and surrounded by such thick emotion. I can feel myself change. I know that pretty soon, i will never be the person i used to be.

For all of you “grown ups” out there, you are probably thinking to yourself… “that is called growing up”…. I know this, it still feels just a bit strange when you feel it starting to happen but you are still the same person. It is like the forces of change are moving into your soul to make that change in accordance.

Some of these changes include the obvious ones like my dad and his delicate health scenario as well as all of the travel associated with it. There is also some cracks within my family that have been revealed recently that could be game changers for the closeness we have (possibly falsely) believed we had. It will be interesting thing to see what happens. It may be one of those times a child must define themselves as a full grown adult to others around them even if they will always be younger or the child or whatever. At 38, one is a full grown adult and i believe old enough for others to be able to have decided wether or not they are a quality and competent as a person or not. The role of the parent or older sibling is the job with all of the power and control who usually desperately tries to hold onto that same level of power and control even with fully grown kids/sisters or brothers. Who would want to give up something they have taken a lifetime building?

But everyone deserves to feel like a grown up when they are deeply into their grown ups! If they do not, it is simply because either A. the family has enabled them or B. because the family undermines their self esteem making them question themselves throughout their whole lives. If the people that raised you dont believe in you and you have a lot of respect for them, then it usually ends up not so well for the child. That undermining self-esteem can sit in the back of your head haunting all of your wishes in life. It is hard. Even when you believe in you, when the ones you love do not, it is a heavy blow that never seems to be able to be shaken off the back.

Self esteem can make or break a perfectly great person. And usually it is the soul crushing that comes from within the family or those that we look up to. They have a lot of lasting damaging power over us that they often like to turn back around and blame back on us.

These are some of the things that happen to adjust the power structure when children become adults. The adults sometimes forget that they only get so long to do their raising and then, it is time to stand back and see if they were a good teacher or not. If they (the child) starts making poor choices, you as a parent do not get the option to jump back in and continue to raise them some more. If the child fails at making good decisions, that could possibly mean that YOU failed as a parent in your raising. That is your own work that you are seeing them using to survive. Most of the time though, the family only sees a part of what the whole story is. They have no idea how we are to really use our time and solve problems and set goals. Jeez… they dont even usually bother to ask us if we even have any goals or plans to improve our futures. Do they just assume that we just sit around whining and picking our noses?

I just know that the holidays are wonderful and yet so stressful and can be so depressing at the same time. They are wonderful if you have a great loving family or family of friends to surround yourself with, but can be easily as equally depressing if you do not have anyone, just lost someone or are not getting along well with the people you care about at the time.

For you all, i truly hope that you have a low stress winter holiday season and are surrounded by the love that every human being deserves. I hope you take the time to appreciate that this moment is here… because it WILL change. That is guaranteed. The thing is that we just dont expect to change soon. What i have found is that change can happen in the blink of an eye. So now is the time to live in the moment and appreciate that the hands of change have not moved any of the ones you love out of your lives yet. Enjoy each other. After all, we may not even make it to Christmas if the end of the world comes on Dec 21, 2012!

Why do i have so much sadness inside of me yet at the same time, i am filled with joy a lot of the time. The sadness is always there though. I suppose it is part of my depression that makes it linger so. It is very easy for me to become despondent at the flip of a switch lately. In the past while in a depressive state, it seemed to come on a bit slower and last for a while. Now it comes like a freak flash flood. I usually feel better after getting a good night sleep but not always. Not today. Is it past memories and loss? Is it loneliness? Is it fear? I do not know. I just know that i hate it when it happens. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and usually it is an either or because the depression is quite sedating and the anxiety revs up my frustration and gets me a bit angst which is an activating emotion. It is a strange feeling when they are both coming on at once. I have medication that helps me to fight either one of these extreems, but even with that, sometimes the depression/anxiety have the floor.

I have been through a lot. I am still going through a lot. I will always probably be going through a lot but does this mean that these sadness bouts and high anxiety periods will be with me forever?

I am in general a quite happy person. I love to laugh and smile and be kind and generally just enjoy life. I like people and am not afraid to talk to strangers. I find people fascinating and enjoy interacting with them, but it seems that i do it less a and less lately because i just kinda feel a divide between me and the real world. I am sure i am not the only one who feels this but it doesnt make it any easier. And finding others that have this happen is also tough because depressed people dont usually go out into the world and when/if they do, they dont usually interact with it.

A lot of the time i just feel like a walking (or sitting) contradiction. Happy and truly happy yet at the same time totally sad and despondent. How can this be? It seems like they should maybe cancel each other out and leave me sitting here just kind of ho hum but no. I can feel one extreem at the flip of a switch and then back to happy. And i mean really despondent like life taking despondent (dont worry… i would never kill myself but i can not deny that it is thought about a bit.) and then snap back out.

When this despondence hits (with a vengeance), i go from being just fine to fighting back tears and the desire to find my bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head and lock myself safely away.

My friends and even family dont usually get this. They (and probably i would do the same) take it personally and think that i am just trying to get extra attention or having a drama episode. This is not it at all. I just go very very quickly to a very dark lonely place that is difficult to extract myself from in a snap.

It is kinda embarrassing when this happens. People dont know what to do with me then. They even sometimes get mad at me because i guess they think i am mad at them? But that is not it. People just dont understand. I just get very very depressed all of a sudden and then all of this pain that lives inside of me is revealed. I look totally unhinged (which, well, kinda sounds like i am!) but the strangest thing that i find is that people usually dont have much compassion when i am thrown into one of these states.

It does make living life a lonely place because no one really knows how deep the pain goes or really wants to have to take on the task of finding out. It is ok. I am used to this. I am used to dealing with tough emotions alone. In fact i am used to just plain ole spending time alone (well, with kitty of course when he is not hiding under the bed!).

I just wish it didnt happen at all. I wish i could be one of the “normal” people of the world with balanced emotional states. A non flip floppy existence in life. There is probably a lot of shame and stigma that i attach to myself as well separating me from the masses which in turn leads to isolation which can not be helpful sometimes.

Bottom line. Through life, i feel like i am a truly walking oxymoron. Maybe i just need to drop the oxy and lighten up… if it were only that simple! De

I can not believe 365 whole days have passed since the day that i decided to start this blog. I have to thank my dear Bernalwood.wordpress.com and Curbed.com for leading me into the brilliant and hilarious and informative creative genius that inspired me to begin this art experiment.

When i started this blog, it did not have a real direction or purpose. (I dont know if it has a purpose now other than it being my current creative outlet and a very satisfying activity to be able to exercise my right to my own free speech without being sensored in any way (for now!).

I have always been a talker. I think it is genetic because my mom is a BIG talker and even was a politician so i think it naturally runs in the blood. But i also like to talk and always seem to have an opinion. I am not trying to push my beliefs onto you, but i really do like the idea of being able to open up a conversation with total strangers that are based all over the world. You, my beloved blog followers are representing many different parts of the globe. It just goes to show, that issues that are important to me over here on the west coast of California can be related with in a place on the opposite side of the world. There is not so much difference or separation as our media and governments and churches would like us to think.

Just for you to get an idea of what you all have helped me to accomplish in this year of my blog…

as of 2:58am on Nov. 17 2012, i have received 59,107 individual views on 417 postings. (my goal was 50,000 but dang i wish i had made it to 60,000 so that way i can figure i get about 5000 each month. Now it is 4??? a month and i suck at math so i just dont do it. :) But 59 thousand is not too bad for a little girl who just babbles online! Thank you!

Now, i would like to share some of the things that have occurred over this past 52 weeks. A lot has transpired. Probably no more than any other average year, but this year, i have markers so i can actually really see what has gone down.

We will start with the farewells…. I lost both friend, family and pet this year. My Grandma passed away along with my friends Big Ben, John Paizon & Lentle. Our kitty of 16 years; Tiki and our little Beta fish Tyrone passed as well. However I have gained a new Beta named Finochio and saved King Arthur from the clutches of death by less than an hour. He is now my new family and so lovely!

My little baby Arthur!

I had 2 reunions, a family reunion and a 20 year High School reunion that both were great!

I have begun a daily intense exercise program and cleaned up my diet a bit (less sugar and trying to avoid fried at all costs! Why then i ask is the fried food the tastiest food?)

I rode the farthest on a bicycle in SF ever (around 30 miles) in one night for the 20 year anniversary of Critical Mass. As well as attended the 20 year anniversary of my friends awesome party by Wicked Sound Systems (yes… i used to be into early 90’s San Francisco house music scene and it was INCREDIBLE!!).

I also used for the first time and then again 2 more times (totaling 3x) , rideshares. I really had a good experience with all three in fact and would highly recommend anyone trying it as a cheap, and environmentally friendly way to travel without having to deal with airport security! Plus, you get to talk to people you may never meet otherwise. I have enjoyed the ride sharing experience a lot and it is nice that there is a mode of transportation that actually has positive connotations associated with it.

But… Now for the most important message of my anniversary blog… My thanks to you, my readers. You make writing for you so special to me. I absolutely love that you feel comfortable leaving your comments as well as share some things about yourselves in those comments. I love that we have an international conversation here even though one would never know it just by reading what you wrote. I basically love you all, my blog followers and readers. You make this oh so worth while.

While i would like to say that it doesnt matter if anyone is reading what i am posting, it makes it so much more, more… well… EVERYTHING to have you here along for this journey with me.

You all are my originals. The first to be a part of my blog experience. This i find very special and cool and i thank each and every one of you that took the time out of your life to share in what i have to share with you let alone leave feedback. You all have made this first year of my blog an incredible experience and i am really looking forward to seeing what is going to be on topic for the next year.

So, in short… WE DID IT!! HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY EVERYBODY!! And from the bottom of my heart… THANK YOU!!

I was in the room with my dad. He is very thin and frail and on oxygen. He used to smoke but all but quit. It is just not so much fun when you can not breathe anyway. I had some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies i had forgotten for a hot sec. in the oven, so i went quickly into the kitchen passing Debbie in the living room. Debbie is my dads roommate, best friend and caregiver, and she was heading into dads room which is like in a u shape from the kitchen. I did not notice anything or hear the boom as far as i can recall, but maybe i did because i have this distinct idea of a very flat sounding boom. I think it registered for a brief second in my conscience before falling deep into the folds. Anyway, regardless i am totally oblivious of the trauma going on concurrently on the other side of the walls.

Flame the fire (Photo credit: Darwin Bell)

Evidently when they tell you that oxygen is highly flammable, they were not kidding around. I am merrily putting hot cookies on a plate and a couple glasses of milk poured and walk unknowingly into my dads room where he is sitting on the edge of the bed with the blanket melted, a huge hole in the bed and his face and his face and arm blackened with soot &n smoke filling the air. The the blanket he was using caught fire and that fire made the oxygen he had on his face explode. He has some burns on his nose and cheek as well as his arm and part of his mustache is gone too. He had a wet rag up to his face. He was in shock. Maybe even more than Debbie and I. I am very thankful that i am not Debbie because she has the picture of my dad on fire in her visual memory now. I dont think i would like to be haunted with that image! The house is smokey and we had to move him over to the other side of the bed after we cleaned and covered his burns. He doesnt want to go to the hospital and he seems to be alert and doing ok. These pain pills really make him wander and while on them and at the same time, he nods off. That is why he fell last week. it is really scary. If Debbie was not right there right then, my dad could have died in a fire tonight. That is i think the most scared i have ever been.

Oh, and before you ask me why he is not in the emergency room right now, I think that a Sunday night emergency room would not give my dad anything different than what we have done and it will be cold and scary and he has his nurse coming at 8 am tomorrow. I dont think it is enough to kill him in 12 hours and if he is not doing well in the morning and/or if his nurse recommends it, we will go then. I just want my dad to be as happy and comfortable for as long as possible and he is one of the most stubborn people i know. I will pull rank if i need to, but i think it is ok to wait, let him get a good night sleep and see where we are tomorrow. If at that time it is what i need to do, there is a first time for everything i suppose!

I dont know what it is about the guys here that are reading the community postings on Craigslist in Las Vegas NV. Either i am extremely unlucky or L.V. has a serious problem with how the guys here think, & how they should treat a woman. They have absolutely NO shame about inappropriate behavior towards unknown females. Let me tell you!!

I am out in Las Vegas not for a pleasure fest or to gamble and party, but because my father is dying here. He had a fall last week and we thought we were about to lose him. I was asked to come out ASAP so i bought a ticket to arrive within 24 hours of the call. Because the flight was so last minute, it wasn’t cheap! $234 + tax and fees to be exact. It cost my dad (who was kind enough to pay for it!) paid a little over $250 one way.

That seems like a lot of money to me and since he is paying out of pocket for his meds right now, i did not want it to total $500 to get me here and back to San Francisco, SO, since i have always had a good experience with rideshare, it was 1/5 the cost and i never ride in cars anymore… AND i also had the time… i decided i would post a basic ad on Craigslist with my phone # & a photo. The photo didnt last longer than it took my first harassing caller… a Mr. Hassan Abrahim (at telephone # 618 410-1446. & who was too stupid to block his # before he decided to send me lewd and agressive text messages! Stupid DoucheBag!!) to call (within the first 2 hrs of the poist being up… & at like 6pm!) Anyway, today i decided that i would do a reverse phone search to see if i could find out who was agressively sexually harassing me via text the day before. I cant wait for you to see what i found! I found his name with a reverse call search. There were 2 comments with one of them saying that he owned property. You can see why i was surprised and a little alarmed when i then searched his name and found this…

and this…

(btw, shortly after that, i pulled the photo off the post!).

But that was only the first! in less than 12 hours three more slimy ass dudes hit me up wanting there to be some “fun” on the ride or they were not interested in just saving some money on gas to take me.

Is every city apart from the coasts this disgusting and crude when it comes to desperate (i just have to say it too… and cheap! They could and should pay a professional for a request like that!!) total scumbags trolling the COMMUNITY pages (yes i said that right. These guys were not even hitting on the strictly platonic posts from girls in the Personals section… No! They were trolling up next to the Pets page and Volunteers postings!! That is some SERIOUS trolling!!

It turns my stomach to see the respect for women slide so far into the gutter that these so called men actually think they have a right to ask and project such an insane notion to a total fucking stranger. Probably too pussy to propose such a lewd thing to a womans face! They are a bunch of pathetic lonely ass twats that should stick to what they know… video games and Klenex and spare the general population the sorry ass behavior that they are representing.

Anyway, i may have found a decent ride home but it is not until Tuesday. At least i have free lodging, food and FULL CABLE TV.. with ALL movie channels!! I can easily kill an additional 24 hours here without ever dropping a dollar on a slot machine! Yea! Plus.. more time with my dad and although i miss my little rescue kitty Arthur, he is being well cared for by a friend who i am having stay in my room while i am away. She is in between apts. so she can stay and take care of the king (Arthur) as long as i need her to. Things could be worse i suppose.

I would be interested to hear if anyone else has been experiencing this sort of thing around the country / world or if it is only indelible for Las Vegas??

The ease of not having to go through security and adjust how i have to pack. (this is a big one!)

Not having to submit my freedoms to some min. wage worker who has control over my future by homeland security. (i just read that the Supreme Court ruled for a case that basically says that anyone can be CAVITY SEARCHED without any charges being pressed on them!)

SO MUCH CHEAPER!! (although i am not paying for it, i hate wasting other peoples money! Unless it is Corporate America’s!!) It would cost me at max $50 to get home as a vehicular passenger.

Get to meet and talk to a total stranger.

Easy drive. 9 hours so can be done in a day.

Get to see the central valley as we drive by.

Can actually sleep possibly on drive home.

Can get all the way home to my front door without having to do a change of transportation.

Do not have a lot of opportunities to be a car rider (or driver for that matter!… I have no car in SF. You dont need one if you are smart!)

MAY find a driver who is 420 friendly ;)

So, thats the pluses and minuses of my options. I am going to take whatever i can find and hope that it is not the most stressful way possible for me to travel! Fingers crossed!!

I have been avoiding this post for some time now. I guess i just did not feel it right to write about someone who i know is going to read a post about themselves and it is about dying, but this is just too big of a topic in my life right now to ignore any longer. It is also something that is being discussed openly now between ourselves so i suppose it is time to talk about it here.

I always would ask, which would be worse, being like my grandma on my moms side who passed away earlier this year, having dementia and losing your memory but still healthy as a horse? (She would take long walks but often not know where she walked once she got there!), OR be like my great aunt on my dads side (and my dad just the same), to be sharp as a tack up until the very end but have the body TOTALLY break down in the process. So, is it better for your mind to go or your body to go??

I have gone back and forth with this over the years. I used to say that severe pain would impact the choice of body breaking but there is something to be said for having your wits till the end. It is a hard choice to make and thankfully, fate or the gods are the ones that decide that for each of us if we are lucky enough to grow old and die from it.

I know life is an ephemeral and fleeting and nothing lasts forever, so why are we so hard wired to not want those around us to ever leave us? We all know logically that we are only guaranteed 2 things in life. 1. We get a ticket to planet earth when we are born, and 2. we get a ticket home when its time to go. I like to see it as “vacation on planet earth”. Your vacation can go one of two ways… really good or really bad. It can be influenced by where you have to take your vacation but it does not make it a guarantee that you will have a fabulous or terrible vacation simply due to location. However, if you get chosen to “soul up” a body in Darfur, your chances of having a super fun and easy vacation are probably going to be hard to come by. But, that doesnt mean that you can not hopefully change the location and improve your trip. On the other hand, you could be “souled in” to a body of a multi-millionaire’s baby and be brought up with all of the luxuries that one could imagine and be isolated or treated so poorly that it does not matter because your vacation on planet earth is just one nightmare walking amongst priceless artifacts and long cold hallways. I think that is why happiness has much less to do with economics than it does with community.

Anyway, back to my original issue. The thing that is so tough right now is… well, several things… But, one of them is that there are questions that can only be answered by them and this is your last chance to ask them. What is it that i need to ask? Once they are gone, the information they hold in their brains goes too. You only have this chance to ask all of the questions that only this one person can answer. AND you can not think of the questions that should be asked. (i think this is one of Murphy’s laws (btw… who the heck is Murphy anyway?? Poor bastard must have had the most frustrating life!!).

The other thing that is so tough is letting the sick person see that you are effected by their sickness. I do not want to cry to their face because i am so gutted that i am losing one of the most important and influential people in my life. I want to appear strong so not to scare them. I do not want them to see how hard it is for me because i can only imagine how hard it is for them.

I feel like time is going in slow motion, yet it is blazing past me and with each minute that ticks by, is one less minute i am on earth with them.

I think it would be so much easier on our psyches if we knew what happened to us after passing. If you are religious, you probably automatically believe what you are told to believe. However, since we have other things that we experience here on earth that we have no explanation for that could possibly tie into our souls local’s upon vacating the body (such as remembering past lives, old souls and ghosts) that it adds a variable of the unknown and hope i think that something is in place for us. I do not think we are comforted by the thought that after dying our soul just evaporates and vanishes. How could something so strong as a soul which assisted our will to live while in life, and is invisible anyway, just disappear. I think (maybe just for convenience) we like to think that there is a place for our souls to go after this life. The not knowing is the tough part, but also i suppose the part that keeps us as simple people and not as the mighty “God” which i think in life, we forget sometimes.

I know i am not really making any specific point here, but i just need this to start the conversation that i have on loop in my head. My dad is dying. He is my best friend and probably the one single person that influenced who i have become more than anyone else so far in my life. We all know it and we are talking about it (which is very strange when it is with the person who is doing the dying!) I thought it would be more uncomfortable talking the hard real truth’s with him but now that we are here, it is not hard, it is just so scary and sad.

I know that this is just the natural cycle of life and that if it did not happen, then we would have something really to worry about! But it doesnt make it any easier at all. This is a game changer for me. It is usually for most of us even if we do not have a very good or any relationship with our parent.

In what way my life and personality will be affected is unknown to me at this point. In fact the impression will be so huge, i dare not even speculate, but i do know that it will change my life.

I suppose when we experience loss, in a way, the gods are clearing out our lives and throwing us out into the unfamiliar world again to start anew but with newly found or understood skills to make the next path taken with a slightly different approach or a different set of desires.

Usually when i find myself in these types of places of rebuilding after major loss, i have found that when it is time to get up and go after those things i want out of life, the wants and the things and the needs have changed. Always they have simplified and become much more basic of wants and needs. It allows you to appreciate all that you were unable to realize while spoiled and familiar with the past experiences.

I am not (obviously) not looking forward to the soon future without the protection and love and friendship of my dad, but i embrace who i will become and what he has taught me once he is gone. I am just so lucky and blessed to be able to have the time now to ask those last important things as well as getting some things sorted out and understood which will make our job after he goes a lot easier and a lot less stressful. For that i am eternally grateful!

Regardless, it sucks how much we miss the ones we love once they are gone! At least, hopefully for me, the pain will help to create new art. And i can say that it is because of my dad that i made it on this occasion!

I love you dad!!

My dad this past year. Love you Pops! (sorry for doing a post about you:)

These guys have got balls of steel to be riding in waist deep water, but they seemed to have gotten some of the best footage of the storm DURING the storm! Thank god they got the footage without electrocution! Enjoy it, they did it for all of us and we thank them!

So, i have a friend, and in all good faith, he was trying to help me out by giving me a hand and cleaning up a corner of my room (i had a cold and the trash can was a few feet away.. It seemed to create a tutu of missed trash around the dang can. I am NOT ever trying out for the WNBA. Dont worry. But it was with my left hand in all fairness, but i digress….). Mind you, this friend took it upon himself to chose to become useful. I had not asked and in fact i was not even in the room at the time.

Anyway… bless his soul… he tried to do me a solid, however in the process, he managed to throw out the filter to my little (awesome) hand held shark vacuum. To add insult to injury, he didnt fill me in and in fact, he may not have even known that it was in there, but i in turn, began vacuuming using it with NO filter. Whatever was being sucked in was being shot right out the side at me. I heard the motor make a couple not so friendly noises too while taking in the dirt.

Thus leaves me this dilema. Do i try and find a new filter for the vacuum or do i buy a whole new vacuum? It shouldn’t be a huge deal for the average person, but i live on a very fixed income being on disability so any $60 has to be well planned and necessary and will usually be sacrificing something else that is needed. So, i have to be very thoughtful when it comes to expenditures like this.

However, in the vacuum’s defense, it has been this little trooper that has kept my room the cleanest room in the house and it doesnt kill my back to vacuum. In fact i have taken a sort of pleasure out of its cheap and easy return. Kinda like paint… The biggest bang for the buck in construction! So, to help me to keep the #1 position of awesomeness in the house by having a room people can actually walk barefoot in, i think that this is a qualified emergency necessity expenditure.

So, i found the filter. The problem is is that i have to buy THREE! Which makes it over half of the cost of a whole new vacuum. In a year and a half, i have fastidiously taken a toothbrush (dont worry… i dedicated one to it specifically!) and after every emptying, i would brush the dust out so that it was actually still WHITE when it was disposed of! In other words, i took good care of it and it had a long life left. …So, what on earth would i do with 3? The filters i am sure would out last the vacuum! And we cant forget that the motor has possibly been compromised by the lack of filter that should always be protecting it. Not to mention that i broke the pet hair attachment months ago (dont ask me how!) so that is not in use either.

Well, after this long verbal brain thought, on paper, i think it is saying to just replace the whole dang thing. And dont upgrade! (that is often where i get into trouble.. i say i am just going to replace this and then there is that one that is just a little bit better for an additional $xx.)

So thank you all. You have officially come along on one of Emelie’s problem solving thought processes. It was boring as hell wasnt it? lol!

But, if you have any thoughts of your own on my dilema, please comment! I am still rolling it around in my head so one good point from someone could possibly tip the scales!

I like to remember things as they were when they happened. I find my own personal memory faulty and i do not trust modern day media editing! So… Lets watch once again, right from the footage that aired back then. I remember that day in 1989 when i was waiting for my ride home from swim team practice, less than 10 miles from the epicenter! You could definitely say i was there!

…And a friendly reminder that everywhere SOME natural disaster can hit at any time. Get that emergency kit ready. You need enough food and water (and pet food) for at least 3 days per person!

This cute pair i stumbled upon, Ryan & Cassandra, who were driving the coolest 1970’s Mopeds!

One of their Mopeds parked on Bernal Heights Blvd.

Not only is this cool moped called “Swinger” but even more stylish, it is made by JC Penny’s!

The city beyond.

Downtown with the Bay bridge on the right.

The Eiffel Tower of San Francisco… Sutro Tower!

See the sky? It is fighting between day and night.

almost straight ahead (unable to be seen her but it is there!) the Golden Gate Bridge.

Mighty Sutro Tower atop Mt. Sutro (aka Twin Peeks)

Night has won the fight and the lights of the city have come on, but it is still somewhat light. I love this 5 minutes of the day!

And as soon as it comes, the light of day is gone and night is upon us. Looking at Sutro Tower from Holly Park, one of the oldest parks in the city.

I walk around my neighborhood almost every day so you all have seen some photos from this location. The fantastic thing is that it has 360 degree views of San Francisco and it is filled with the nature. Life could be worse! I love you San Francisco!

So, if one can do this to themselves while just walking on a normal (downhill to give me some sense of not total humiliation! Well. No. It is totally humiliation no matter how i try and see it!), then imagine what kind of hurt one could do texting while driving! Let this be a public service announcement. Dont text and be moving!

the perils of texting and walking. Photo taken last night.

This is day 2. Oh yeah.. i forgot to mention that my iphone took a big brunt of the fall. Thank god for AppleCare!!

I dont think that once in the last 20 years, have i seen an entire week (yes i mean 7 whole days! and it is still going now!!) with incredible weather during Fleet Week. Usually we get a couple days, but (as in last year), the fog came in right around the time they started flying and only were able to do one trick and pass over the bay before having to call it. Some years, they dont even fly. If they cant see their plot points it is very dangerous as well as if it is too foggy, we cant see them. This week though, none of that issue as you can see below.. It was maybe the most beautiful weathered Fleet Week in the last 2 decades! It was really awesome. :)

Blue Angels doing their loop-de-loop over SF bay. Thank heavens they use the smoke or i’d have never been able to capture it on my iphone!

One of my favorite members of the Blue Angels team… FAT ALBERT!

From atop Bernal Hill at the top by the Microwave tower. the little speck in the sky fat albert leaving scene of the fly by!

Oh what a view!

That speck up there is not a plane, but a beautiful Red Tailed Hawk.

Neighbor and his boy were enjoying the sites at the top too. They were very nice.

Hey hey hey!

Oopsie… a little bit of trouble atop the tower. I dont know if the girl who was running on the roof of the tower got arrested or just warned. Note… should never trespass on city govt. property while hundreds of people are there watching.

whoops. another guy being talked to by the popo. i saw him later though so they let him go. yea.

pretty steep up here at 436 feet up.

while we are here, lets check out our 49ers! Candlestick is just to the left of the bluff.

I hope you enjoyed the photo recap. I know we dont have the best view to see all the exciting flying, but i personally think that 1. the views of the city make it worthwhile! And 2. not having to fight the traffic makes it all doable!

On my walk a couple days ago, i decided to go early (9:00am ish) unstead of later (4-6ish). It was a very different scene up there in the morning. I saw a lot of ladies. most of them with dogs a few with babies. But even more that the female race, i saw so much wildlife! As well as some things that are just oh so Bernal! I hope you enjoy!

The morning light reflecting off of the bay looking south east from Bernal.

One of my favorite Bernal monuments… This rock is always being “artified” with a purpose! This time… in support of gay marriage!

Secret (not so considering one of them is wearing reflective cal-trans style vest and they all had clip boards!) meeting on Bernal Hill.

Now, you’re gonna love this one. This is clearly covering some overnight graffiti, the unusual thing, the buffers (ones that paint it all out) left a note and taped it to the ground! (so artistic too with the dog poop on the left corner!)

Just gotta love the “Wet Paint, by Buff King” sign taped to the pavement… but wait…. this is not the only one!

Here is more of Mr. “Buff King’s” handy work… you are gonna love this one… just check out the “buffing paint job” the king employed here…

Now, that is one heck of a buffing! Nice paint job(s?)! I wonder which part of this is actually the wet paint painted by the Buff King? Seems like maybe he needed more paint! haha!

Sad that this big tree had become rotted and had to be cut down. I think because of that, these little finches were all in turmoil… And all over the place. Clears up a photo op view tho!

Here are those poor traumatized finches in flight. This was only a small number of them but you get the idea.

usually i do not do my hiking early in the AM, but i was surprised how much wild life i saw out in the mornings. I love these little birds!

I do think i like the haze of the other hikers/joggers/walkers/dog walkers in the late afternoon with that somewhat glazed look over tdheir faces as they pass in loops. So much more is on your mind at the end of the day than at the begining of the day. I did not get half as friendly of a hello or a smile while passing the AM crowd compared to the PM crowd. I think that the AMers are used to their crowd being the ones up there and are leary of anyone new they may pass on the trail. Or, they were just living in the my shit dont stink and yours does mentality. Regardless, i loved all of the quirky things that i ran across in this am walk, but i think i will most likely be sticking to my busier afternoon crowd personally. I am not going to be acquiring a dog or a baby any time soon, so i will most likely be given the eye of tresspass again if i do the AM walk.

Who knows, maybe it was just this one day. I better not judge an entire time period on one day. …We will have to try again and see if this is the norm or i just caught a bunch of snobby fridged females on this walk.

When i get despondent about my beautiful city by the bay, i have got to remember that San Francisco is just like it always has been since its inception… trying to be cashed in upon. It has ALWAYS had someone who is or has attempted to be sell it out completely. And why not? It is a BEAUTIFUL place with so much charm and character and a beautiful warm/cool, colorful clean landscape with still hints of the wild left intact. It also was rebuilt after 1906 at a time when there happened to be a LOT of money in this city and in the hands of a few hardcore business men.

The ones who came to San Francisco knew where the real gold was, were the ones that stayed in town and provided the provisions that the huge new influx of inhabitants and travelers needed and cashed in. Those in turn, many of them became the Grandfathers of what is the SF we know today. Otherwise called The Argonauts. Within this small grouping, a lot of the time they kept the money within the family, by lending it to nephews or marrying 2nd and 3rd cousins etc. This is how my ancestors managed to maintain the wealth within this small group of tight knit Jewish Bavarian immigrants. It also helped strengthen the faith and their durability and standing within the community. This is true with a lot of different ethnic immigrant groups that settled in the city (think Italians in North Beach, Japanese in Japantown, Mexicans in the Mission etc.). However, although settling with like faiths, this tiny 7×7 square mile town, it is so small, it is pretty much, where you can find a place that fits most of your needs that you can afford, you take it… and get to know other neighborhoods and cultures.

It has been a battle since Sam Brannen made his claim while running through Portsmouth Square… …GOLD! … There is gold found in the American River! A battle between those who make San Francisco why people love it so much, (they are the heart and soul that match the beauty and architecture), and those that see San Francisco as it also is… a great place that could easily be exploited to make themselves a lot of money. The potential to make money here by selling out to big business and sweetheart deals to line one’s pockets will always be a vulunerability for a place like SF.

The locals are stubborn steadfast fighters that are doing it out of survival and do not back down. They are what puts the “active” into “activist”. They know that they are only as strong as they are organized and committed. They are fighting for all the right reasons and have had to pretty much non stop from one direction or another since the start.

The other is the big greed machine which is almost a force as well as a contageous disease that makes the ones it infects as addicted to it as a junkie to his fix.

There has to be a beautiful blend of the two… the residents that actually call this home, and the ones looking at it by means of how other ways they can bring in more people, and usually, richer, (and i hate to say it but i will… whiter) people who will be willing to pay more for this magical place.

What the problem gets to be is that it is the mentality of the locals which is through their intelligence, humor, ease and creativity as well as acceptance of all things different and also their empathy for people in conditions different from their own. They get forced out by the increased costs of living, (from mass transit, to rent or a coffee etc.) Without the freedom filled free living locals with all of its nuts and unusual people as well as the bankers and lawyers and waitresses and cab drivers etc, it is closer to a Hollywood set than our little Bohemia by the sea!

When (hopefully if not when, but we are seriously running out of room!) this beautiful world class city ( & loses all of those that put their heart and soul and time and love into making this that city), are gone, it will just be one GIANT gated community with fear humming from within Its sand colored walls. It will lose its sparkle and innovation. It will lose its soul.

This is what i am seeing and gets me so scared, but like always… like i said in the begining, SF has always been growing and becoming a modern beauty throughout its inception. We just have to cross our fingers that so many locals have not left, that their army of activists has diminished to the point of not standing a chance, because i think that there is a point of no return where it will become an enclave of the rich and the rich alone.

This city has always been known for being a super diverse place with a lot of sex and drugs and music and art. It can not white wash it so that you get used to not having that element of acceptance, San Francisco will be done for.

……

…that is until the next big earthquake. It really unnerves those who have managed to maneuver their lives into such a controlled existence, that a percentage of them will and do run for the hills or at least back to wherever it is that they came from. And then the locals will move back and start again…. Just like the cycle of life i hope!

By the way, this is a response that turned into an over-winded reply turned post to Mskatykins. Thank you for being such a valued reader and always contributing to the conversation. Katykins… You are awesome!

As i am approaching 20 years living here in San Francisco, i have always been very aware and involved in our city’s politics and events (and just general city issues).

There are a few things that one can count on like clockwork here in SF. Fleet week has been one of those things. They have had their week down to a science and (up until this week) here is how it goes down….

It always falls on Columbus Day weekend.

The Blue Angels fly into SF usually on Wednesday night. You will see aircraft high up in the sky (i have always assumed that they were taking their measurements and plotting their landmarks as well as checking out the city. ) They always fly high on this first wednesday night.

Thursday… the fun day! Thursday seems to be somewhat of a free day. Back in 1994, they took this “play” to a whole new level by zooming tall buildings and flying back and forth UNDER the bridges. Drivers were having nervous breakdowns getting sonic boomed from below! There were concerns that accidents would be caused by this. The workers in the (then) tallest buildings were having their nerves were shot by having an F16 fly 100 feet past their office windows 40 floors up.

Blue angels flying low under the bridge

(on a personal note, this year in 1994, my dad and i happened to be visiting my Grandma who at the time lived on the top floor apt. across the street from the Comstock bldg on Jones st. (the very top block of Nob Hill). I swear to god it was like they flew 3 yards over our heads.. I thought it had killed my grandma and i have (still to this day) NEVER seen my dad jump so far and so fast in my life. We got the noise before we could see the plane and they were sonic booming us big time!) After that, the city decided that there would be no more of that. The fun thursday play day free for all was OVER. It was still a free day, but they had distances that they had to fly above and under the bridges was OUT. (if i see a plane fly under a bridge this weekend, it will be absolute proof that money is the only thing talking with this admin.). They also could not go more than so many mocks fast. No right overhead sonic booms unless it was part of the routines. That was the last time i have seen a plane fly under the bridge or fly that low that fast. They decided it was just too distracting and dangerous and nicked it. Put down the rules.

4. Thursday night you can see the Blue Angles doing their serious plotting and surveying in the night sky for their routine for the following 3 days.

5. Friday (i like to see it as a locals performance) they do their routine like it was the show. If you are a local and you love (you either love or hate the Blue Angels. I personally have always loved them!) them, Friday is the day to go over to TI or Twin Peaks and watch the show without all the crowds and traffic. It is the exact same routine that they do for the masses on Saturday and Sunday.

6. Saturday and Sunday, they fly on time every time and do the routine that was seen on Friday.

7. Monday (always having been labor day) there are no planes flying but Fleet Week is in full effect still. Good time to go see the Jeremiah O’Brian or one of the big ships that have come for the event.

an angel and one of the little zippy planes that fly the course in the bay.

And, let me note, there are usually between 4-7 f16’s that fly in the Blue Angels each year during fleet week. There are also a bunch of other planes that have performances here too. Old ww2 prop planes, little rocket type jets that Red Bull uses in their air races (they have a course usually over the water that they have to fly around this flag and over to that one etc. and it is timed. They are small and super fast and extremely maneuverable. Like little rice rockets!) as well as sometimes Fat Albert, the big WW2 transport jet (i personally LOVE Fat Albert!). So, the F16’s are by far not the only airplanes in SF to fly, but they are the dominating strength that is felt by the people on the ground.

Infamous Fat Albert

So, how is this year different? I will tell you how. Mayor Ed Lee decided to cash in on this event and use it as a lure and a perk when negotiating the bringing over of all of these big tech firms. I am sure of it!

To start, instead of coming in on Wed. night like always, this year, on the Sunday night BEFORE Labor Day, our skies were FILLED with planes. (normally this is the night that the planes are leaving to go back to wherever they came from.)

I counted close to at the very minimum, 20 planes flying low and slow and clearly with no rules over the sky. The planes were EVERYWHERE that night. Because it was not Fleet Week, i did not realize that the next day was even labor day. I kinda got freaked out and relieved when i heard it was going to be Fleet Week the coming week. (by the way, this night happened to be an incredible blue (full) moon).

I heard them flying up until 4:00am. This is unusual. ESPECIALLY 3 whole days before they always have arrived! and every night and day infact since Sunday night, the planes have been all over the SF skies.

The following night, after it cooled down (it was 91 deg. f. in SF that day. It was squelching!) i went for my hike up and around Bernal Hill. During that walk, it all came together for me. I know why what has worked like clockwork… a well oiled machine had fallen so far outside their usual doings. It all came back to our horrible mayor Ed Lee (who shouldnt even be mayor because when he was appointed by Gavin Newsome, he had repeatedly said (yes even promised!) that he was not going to try and run for Mayor. Right before the election (and may i note, after the other candidates had been spending their budgets on their campaigns, in comes Lee with the deep pockets of Rose Pak and former (lets just call it as it really is… STILL our mayor but from behind the curtain) Willie Brown to “power campaign” for him over the last 2 weeks. Somehow, he cut in line and won the post.) (However, although not reported, i heard a LOT of incidents that could have definitely been considered voter fraud, from having workers telling the voters who to vote for to losing ballots. If he wasnt being placed from the inside or it was any of the other candidates, there would have been an investigation i am sure of it! I personally did my own little test and in asking, i found NOT 1 SF resident that actually voted for Lee.)

the mighty Blue Angels

Anyway, Brown is well known as being Super corrupt and selling out SF. He did this yes, however, he did it with some flair and style. He was personable and made it feel like he was working for you not just having his back pocket wide open and filling (although everyone knows that his pocket was getting stuffed. EVERYONE!) It is kinda part of his legacy.

Mayor Lee is trying to be Willie with the chrisma of a grapefruit. It is a total “pay to play” administration. And Ed Lee, has been getting PAID. The only thing he seems to have time to do since obtaining office seems to be funneling money into his pockets. He has made just about as many backroom sweetheart deals (selling to the highest bidder of course!) so far in his term than Brown did in an entire term during his reign.

Who know what was put on the table as an incentive to companies like Twitter, AirBnB, Zynga etc. to talk them into moving their headquarters to SF, but as of this weekend, i am able to see one of the incentives…. Full moon city flights with full access to all of the airspace over SF. a whole week before Fleet Week as well as the same week as Oracle’s anual big trade show or party or whatever it is. I also heard that Cloud had a conference this week. It makes sense.

I imagine that a few of those planes up there flying on our tax dollars also contained a few big campaign contributers since it is after all an election year.

Why push back fleet week a week? Just for that reason… full moon, holiday weekend, 2 major tech events happening in the city between the Sunday night flights and the Saturday daytime air show. There are some big heavy pay off’s being handed out this week. I can feel the corruption bubbling out of the city this week.

So, to finally answer the question i posed earlier, after 18 years of Fleet Week being a clockwork routine, why this year is it not the usual… Because it is part of the political ass kissing and back pocket revenu building the mayor has created to help sell out the soul of the city while he gets rich and probably powerful.

At least when Willie Brown was fleecing the city, he did it looking super suave! Lee is a plain, dumpy, not very well spoken, want-a-be. However regardless of his less than minimal people skills to his public and his unmatching disheveled appearance, he seems to be siphoning off the hard earned tax dollars and political pay outs with ease.

(Considering how much of his own pocket he has lined since his short time as our pathetic soulless mayor, he could at least get a decent looking tie and a haircut!)

I now am watching the skys with more than just how cool the planes are in my mind. I am seeing the outcome of some of the perks that he gave out in order to appear to be amazing at brokering big tech to set up shop at our house of SF. So, they bring in tax money to help replace all the loot he has spent making it feel like SF is the Google of employers with slides and everything! (Slides that slide our hard earned cash into his personal coffers!)

Anyway, i hope all of this BS ass kissing has not effected the focus of the air squads. I know that our Blue Angels have had to do more this year away from their own performance to assist with these deals. Lets just hope that they have not filled their week with so much other bullshit that something goes wrong because there was just too much distraction going on up above our heads!

I will just have to wait and watch and hold my breath which is really more like steam because i am so angry about the state of our elected politicians, and hope that there is nothing that goes wrong. (i know technically it already has, but this time i mean an accident.).

On rare occasion, my with drawl from my daily posts are not due to depression. Instead, i go into this weird… i dont know, study period. Usually a history research project or genealogy research that has been going on for the past 19 years. Sometimes it is because i have become obsessed with a musician (Ellie Goulding for example right now) and have to see every posted live performance until i have tired and worn it out of my mind. Sometimes it is due to socio-political issues going on in San Francisco… regardless to what it may be (today it was near-curent SF fires), i can not seem to get a focus on a specific point that i want to convey to the world. These days, i feel it is better (although dont get me wrong! I feel that guilt! I should be posting every single day.) if i do not post drivel for a few days and instead see what this research dive leads to. Sometimes it gives me immediate material for a relevant post. Sometimes, it just sits in the back of my brain, waiting for the punctuation or punch line or whatever (i do not actually know… that is what the waiting is all about).

Lights (Ellie Goulding album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I used to post every day in the begining, but not have huge investment in what i was posting. If i came across it and i found it cool or pretty or neato that minute, i would post it. This was about the first two months. You would get a few writings from me but majority was neat stuff or kinda interesting things that had nothing to do with anything.

One thing i decided early on though was, I did not want this blog to just be a product pushing site. I decided shortly after starting it that i needed to figure out what this blog was all about. What i wanted to tell the world. Who i wanted telling the world what. It was decided by me that i wanted the majority (2/3 -3/4) be fully original written content (written by me) about what ever i may happen to want to talk about. The other portion would be neat things that i feel that is cool enough or unique or funny enough to be passed on and re-blogs. This way, i am much more discriminating towards the things that i pass on and take more time to have a voice of my own.

So dear readers, First off, let me just say thank you. I dont need an audience to voice my own thoughts (i do it all the time in my room or walking along, but people usually interpret it as crazy!) but it sure is more satisfying to know that what you are talking about others are listening to too and maybe even commenting on! It makes it so cool to have strangers from all over the globe (Katiekins in Scotland, John the Aussie etc) getting in on a conversation that is happening strictly due to the fact that all of us have an interest on talking about this or that.

It sometimes boggles my mind to know that more people hear me that are scattered around the world and that i have never actually met, than probably my family and friends! (at least through the blog). (i keep telling them to read it, and they say ok, but i doubt they remember or know how AWESOME my blog is that they are missing!) Or maybe they dont realize that this is “me to the world”. 100% me to the world. No product placements (if i ever get popular enough to get adds at the side to actually pay me, i am taking it!) but i wont be pushing this or that. I wont be saying what every designer of every new thing is. I wont be posting (many!) of those stupid sayings that are cool but everywhere and dont need to be preaching to my readers about. What it will be is curent and hopefully funny sometimes and hopefully real all the time.

I am approaching my 1 year anniversary blog in November and since i started this last year, i have developed a really awesome audience that i feel is more like a group than an audience with me as just one of the people in it. You all give me so much feedback and time commenting on your thoughts. I think that is just so fucking AWESOME!! You all are my first followers and that is a really special thing to me. You will always be the ones to say, “i have been following that blog before she had 100 followers!”. And that is kinda cool. It is kinda cool to have my first group… the originals!… as my fellow conversationalists.

I will do my anniversary blog on the anniversary, but i am just going to say now (and again probably in the anniversary blog!) that all of you have really made this year special for me. This blog is the thing that i feel most proud of this year. It has been so rewarding to me (thanks to you!) that i can see myself continuing on on this journey for a long time to come….

So… if you dont hear from me for a few days, i am not gone forever. You have made that impossible for me to want to do! Just know, the wait should be worth it. At least i am not just adding bs filler to cover my ass!

I knew today was going to be a challenge when i posted on FB that this had been a rough day and it was only 1:05pm. It was a tough morning because my depression has been on pretty strong for the past 2-3 days. I have not been holding it down too gracefully…. I blame the disease!

Mid day actually went pretty well. Got stuff done, sat in the sunshine, listened to music and read, vacumed my room, cleaned the kitty box and fish bowl, did some writing and talked with my roommates. Pretty ok.

Just when i thought i was home free…

the shit starts falling from above… literally!

I had a shelf in my bookcase that had lost its little plug stop thing and it was teetering towards the back left corner. I had removed about 2/3 rds of its contents and had somehow found places to put all those books (i had no idea what i was in for in t-30 seconds!

My entire bookcase collapsed in consecutive shelf fails (just like the twin towers without the squibs!) without warning. Every book (that did not fall on me!) had to be pulled or dug out from behind and between and on the sides and carefully removed from teetering shelves (without 1 might i add falling into the… phew… clean litter box who’s home is on the first floor of said case.) .

I did not know i had so many fricking books at this one apartment. I still have most of my books in storage from my last move and i got rid of my entire collection after working at a bookstore for over a year (it was either books or my records… records won!) i believe i have to say now that i may be addicted to buying books.

(My poor thumb.)

To say the least, it was an unexpected HUGE project that occurred just about the time i was going to take a bath, eat dinner and go to bed. I guess this is one way to be forced into some major spring cleaning! (i just dont know how both thumbs got smashed in almost the same place while my hands were in very different places! Hmmm…

Well, 2 hours later, a pained back, a trip to the corner store for boxes and some sorting, stacking and boxing and i can sit down on my bed again! Phew! I was wondering if i was going to be sleeping on a fresh bed of books tonight. Tomorrow… part two of the clean up and hopefully the full repair of the bookcase! It has got to be a better day tomorrow! It is a half moon after all tonight! Those nights are always my equivalent full moon… (i am a cancer and this is just something that has become so regular and obvious that i am aware that my half is your full.)

I will say though. I have some pretty cool ass books! And i know how to read! Yippee!

Do not disregard it when you hear some loud low flying airplane outside tomorrow San Francisco! You need to LOOK UP!! You get the opportunity to see one of NASA’s planes with the Space Shuttle Endeavor piggy-backed in a once time in history flying over head to give us one last chance to see her before she gets flown to to be a part of their permanent exhibit at the LA Air and Space Museum. Get those camera phones ready!!

Finochio! In true old school fashion of true San Francisco of days past. He reminded us of the amazing dragqueens at the old classic Finochio’s. He is so beautiful! He is a little guy too! He i think would be the type of fish that would eat any other fish in the bowl (or at least fight the hell out of it!) We have to only put his “exercise mirror” in his bowl for 5 or 10 minutes a couple times a day. I dont want him to give him a type A, heart attack candidate type anxiety issues. He did not sleep for almost 3 days straight the first day i brought him home because i dont think he had ever seen a mirror. It was a magnified mirror i realized finally and figured he might be on High Alert!! all the time which would be very stressful too… thinking that a fish bigger than you was mimic-ing every move… I’d be aftaid to sleep too!

Anyway, because of his many different colors in different light, i give you Finochio! (they are all the same fish…just different light: