Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man is caught in a lie.

We open on the most confusing episode of Baywatch that’s ever been made.

Ali’s in a one piece and she’s walking down the beach in slow motion to prove to us just how far she’s come in this season. But she shan’t be saving any drowning tourists and David Hasselhoff is nowhere to be seen. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They reenact Darryl Kerrigan's favourite sexual fantasy, then Todd breaks the news to Ali that he cannot be a dad by the end of the week.

"BUT NEXT MONTH, FO SHO."

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After a lot of dramatic staring, they seem to come to some kind of compromise where Ali will lock Todd in a basement and make him her baby-making slave, and Todd will learn about police work by trying to escape from said basement to alert the authorities.

Simples.

EVERYONE SSSSSSHHHHH PLS.

Taite is here and we need to look at his face... and also his body.

Ali sees Taite and almost releases Todd from the basement because of Taite's face... and also his body. Her only concern is that Taite doesn't seem to be able to construct full sentences.

For their single date, Ali takes Taite to an obstacle course so she can see him in some very short shorts pls.

After they finish the obstacle course, which mostly consisted of yucky kissing noises, they get into a jacuzzi because short shorts and also no shirt pls.

Ali straight up asks Taite to say some words and put them into sentences... but he cannot.

???

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He once again seems to be confused as to why the blonde lady keeps talking about her feelings all the time while staring at his face.

The crickets in the background are working overtime and they did not sign up for this shit.

Finally, Taite explains that he can't say he's falling in love with someone he met on a reality TV show six weeks ago, when she's still dating two other men.

Taite pls, of course you can, Osher said so.

Ali decides that if Taite can't tell her his feelings, she'll just have to marry him for his face... and also his body.

PAUSE.

We unpack all the drama from Ali's last week on The Bachelorette on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.

Bill, or as he's also known "Amy's boyfriend from the dog park", is running in a park like an excited five-year-old who just spotted a duck.

He sees Ali and realises she's not Amy and is slightly confused. But then he remembers he's in the process of recruiting her for his harem.

They get into a stretch limo because Osher needs to use up all his expense funds before the end of the financial year and there's only 1.5 episodes to go.

In the limo, Bill keeps going on about how great it was when Ali met his friends and fails to acknowledge that one of said friends is a girl named Amy who he met at a dog park and is currently dating. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They go to a house that looks suspiciously like the bachelor mansion, and sit on a couch that looks very familiar, and it becomes immediately clear that Osher blew all the date money on an unnecessary stretch limo.

Bill says he's falling in love with Ali and that she fitted in really well with her future sister-wife Amy.

When Ali asks whether Bill and Amy have ever dated before, he says they haven't dated but they've "been together", which means they've definitely had the sex.

"THAT IS ALL"

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Ali realises that Bill is a bit of a sneaky sneak and that maybe Charlie was right to point at the f*ckin' door all day, ev'ryday for the past few months.

Bill just sits there, thinkin' about what Amy's doing at the dog park. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh.

It's rose ceremony time and we all know what's about to friggin' happen.