Resentment: Engagement Ring & Wedding Band

(North Carolina)

I just recently found out after almost two years that my engagement ring was from a friend of my husbands and my husband still has yet to pay his friend anything. It's a pretty ring but should that make me feel bad that he didn't just go out and look for one to buy to be more personable about asking me to marry him?

Also my wedding band was bought by him while we were at the mall in the half hour I was shopping for clothes for him and it was randomly purchased without giving really any thought. I went in today to get it sized down and the man that worked there told me I was able to upgrade or exchange for a lifetime and that got me kind of excited duh, so I told my husband I was looking at other wedding bands and it hurt his feelings because he said I wasn't supposed to know about the exchanging of my ring because he wanted to upgrade it with a better one in five years for me as a surprise I guess.

Should I feel bad or should I feel he was cheap about our marriage when we both work our asses off. Not to mention we did not even have any kind of real wedding or pictures done. Kind of bums me out. I don't know how I should feel or if I should understand him being hurt...

Advice from the Engagement Experts TeamThank you for writing us with your questions. You bring up several interesting points, and while we can't tell you how to feel, we can tell you that you should not worry about feeling what you're feeling.

Confusing? Well, the entire ring process can be. When choosing rings, there are two roads: one where the couple makes the decisions together, and the road more traveled, where it is a surprise and you get no input.

In both cases people buy engagement rings from all sorts of places, choose a particular one for all sorts of reasons, and are never totally sure they've made the right choice, again for all sorts of reasons.

Do you look at your ring with resentment? Do you wish the ring was larger, or had more thought behind it? Your letter seems so, but without knowing the exact circumstances, and your husband's thinking at the time can you ever be sure that those feelings are warranted?

Have a talk with your husband. It's not easy, but as you might already have discovered in solving other problems, once you have discussed it, you may have a sense of relief and get satisfaction much easier than you thought you would. It is best not to let it build and build.

In relationships, it's always better to focus on what we have as opposed to what we don't have or didn't get. We try to make a list as often as possible for what we have and are grateful for.

We hope that you and your husband can sit down and discuss the ring and relate to one another what the rings mean for each of you, what each of you as individuals expected from the rings and how you each feel about the process of selecting a ring. You might be surprised at how the discussion turns out, and you two might get the chance to talk about other things at the same time.

In the end, the ring is a symbol of your relationship - open, yet solid. We like to remind readers that communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. The ring is the base of your marriage foundation, and the vessel that represents your commitment to each other for your lives together.

Always remember that we have two ears and only one mouth --so listen to each other --it's amazing what we get to hear.

In the end, what we hope for you, is a wonderful and loving relationship. And, that when you look down at your rings, you'll see only a symbol of your love and a celebration that you two have found each other in this big world regardless of where or how the rings came to be.