exploring the realities of obsessive compulsive disorder

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Hannah, 23, Ireland

I’m not sure which thoughts are really mine any more. I have a thousand fights with myself inside my head every day.

Some days are better, some are worse. Sometimes I’m scared to even think. I try to keep myself distracted from the moment I wake up until the moment I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, but it doesn’t work – the intrusive thoughts still get in.

Some days all I want to do is sleep because at least then I won’t be tormented by my thoughts. Some days I just endlessly research, trying to find answers to what I’m thinking and whether it really is OCD or not. Some days I’m so anxious I can barely eat. Some days I find it difficult to do even the most menial things because I’m so wrapped up in my own head.

Since my mum got sick and passed away, the thoughts have been gradually getting worse again. Sometimes I even think that maybe my intrusive thoughts are the real reason she died, even though that makes no sense. I never wanted that – my mum was the most amazing, caring, loving person and I miss her so much every day. But OCD makes me doubt my own feelings. It makes me doubt that I care or ever cared about any one. It makes me doubt my love for my family, friends, for my wonderful boyfriend.

This illness makes me think such horrible things and it makes me hate myself so much, even though deep down I know it’s not my fault and I know it’s not really me. It latches on to everything I care about and twists my thoughts around to something ugly. It’s a struggle every single day.

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You are not alone. I am in your shoes here in NY living the same nightmare. But thank God, my family is well. I sometimes sit and wonder with absolute dread that if something happens to a family member I love it will be my fault bc of my intrusive thoughts. Always remember, YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS HANNA. YOU ARE JUST AS LOVING AND CARING AS YOUR MUM WAS. LIVE YOUR LIFE IN HER HONOR AND KNOW TOU ARE AS AMAZING AS SHE WAS. LISA NYC