Counseling Men Blog Advice for men – and the women who love them!

Wives tell me "my husband doesn't love me anymore" all the time in couples counseling. It's not just wives in counseling who feel that their husbands don't love them either, and a lot of them are right (Learn What Are The Signs He Doesn't Love Me Anymore).

Unfortunately, many husbands, and wives, just aren't "in love" anymore with their spouses. Falling out of love really shouldn't be that surprising to anyone. Change is part of life, including no longer feeling in love with our partner. In relationships we're always going to be doing one of two things -- either growing together or apart. And the natural forces of life are going to cause us to grow apart, unless we do things to counter that process.

So is there anything you can do to change that? Yes! Here the final 3 of 5 things you can do to get your husband back in love with you:

PRAISE Praise and validation are one of the key reasons for men having affairs and falling in love with someone else. This is something that without conscious effort can disappear from marriages over time. Then another woman comes along and starts to offer it and... (well you know the rest of the story). Think back on when you first were dating and how you showered your husband with praise. Get back to doing this again.

DISCOVER Discover what you can change about yourself. Get help seeing the sides of you that he sees, but you can't, and find out how you can make yourself more loveable. A marriage counselor is an excellent, objective expert to help you with this, especially a marriage counselor who knows men. This doesn't have to mean losing weight or changing your hair, but rather changing how you interact with him, respond to him, speak to him.

PATIENCE Most partners don't fall out of love over night, it happens slowly over time. Falling back in love happens the same way. So be sure to give it some time for the love to come back.

I hear from a lot of women who really struggle when they read these suggestions. They feel so unloved by their husbands that my recommending they love him when he doesn’t love them seems wrong and impossible (Why I Fear My Husband Never Truly Loved Me). And I totally understand how they feel, but if you're feeling "my husband doesn't love me anymore" then you've got 2 choices, accept that he doesn't love you or do something to change it.

I'm not recommending that you do these 5 things forever without receiving any love from your husband in return. I'm just recommending that you be the first to start putting love back in your marriage (if you feel you already do this, then just try to do it a little bit better). Give it a try for 90 days and see what happens. What have you got to lose?

Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 4, 2010 and has been completely revamped and updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

I do everything I can to make my husband happy. Nothing seems to make him happy. I feel used. I take him on vacations buy him many nice things. When our money is gone. All I ask is for conversation that's free. He curses me. He has become effortless. To at least make me smile once a day and that free.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Lynn, You could be in an abusive relationship. Check out my posts under the tag "Abusive Relationships" to learn more. -Kurt

I do everything I can to make my husband happy. Nothing seems to make him happy. I feel used. I take him on vacations buy him many nice things. When our money is gone. All I ask is for conversation that's free. He curses me. He has become effortless. To at least make me smile once a day and that free.

We've been Married not evnths together for four years and have a new baby. But he's cursed me in public outside inside and we had an argument that turned physical quick. I called the police he got mad left his wife and 2month old baby. He's been gone for almost 2 weeks. Yesterday he looked @ Me angrily and said Im not in love with you now
And refused again
To come home with his Beautiful family. Im at a crossroads.

monica kosty

My husband told me that he doesn't know if what he feels is true love or compassion, or he stays with me because he is afraid of what can it be with me. I left my country to follow hime, I truly devoted my life to him. Unfortunately I had to go far from home for long periods of time... this did effect my carrier as well.He feels bad that I put apart my things in order to take care of him, but i never thought as an obligation but rather a gesture of love.now, in the moment he was stressed the most, i was not there and something snap in his mind compromising our relation. he says that he hasn't been happy for a long time. but he doesn't say if it is just because of me.he asked me time and i am giving to him but i have to come back in a month and i am not sure if he will be willing to try...he is struggling too and that's all i know. but he said that he doesn't know if he want to be with me anymore. this is really killing me.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Monica, Good response on giving him time, but it should be time that's used constructively, such as by talking to a counselor who can help him sort out his thoughts and feelings. -Kurt

Lonely

Unloved, I agree with you. We sacrifice our lives to please our husbands and it seems that the more you treat them well the less they recognize it. Every time I tell my husband I want the divorce, he changes for better for short time but always end up getting back to his careless behaviors towards me. It has been like that for the five years we have been married. I met him in another country and we dated for two years before getting married. He was the best boyfriend, always making surprises and showing love. Once we got married and I moved to his birth country to be with him he showed another side of him. I left a great career and family for him thinking we were going to live a happy life and have children. I was totally wrong. He did not want to have children and was never with me. He would come back from work, sleep for ten hours and go to the gym and go to work again. He would spend most of his days off sleeping and exercising too. I was left alone in a new country with a new culture and not family or friends. I have been trying for five years to make things work but I am very tired and feeling miserable. Although he does not tell me that he does not love me, I don't feel loved and also don't feel appreciated. He does not want me to leave but he also does not start showing me love. He says that the Bible is agains divorce and refuses to believe that this is a possibility. I used to love this man deeply but his behaviors hurt me so much that I believe I probably don't love myself to still be with him.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Lonely, If he's going to quote the Bible, then he better know what the whole book says. It says God "hates" divorce, but it's important to understand why. -Kurt

Katrina

Ya I got back with my husband after 10 years he really different now he wants no sex and he never says he loves me or shows it he's 45 and I'm 36

J

Why should I have to praise him? ..praise him for what? Yelling at my son, Pushing me away when I practically beg for closeness...I am even seeking a plastic surgeon because he doesnt touch me...other men desire me...but the one i want does not...He doesnt love me...I can not leave him, because the children love him...I wear a fake smile everyday...and cry every night...He does not love me and it makes me not love myself...How do I praise him for that?

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Jenn, I'm not suggesting that you praise him for not loving you or if he's abusive. However, to get love we must give love. Try to find something to praise or compliment and set the example of the type of relationship you want. -Kurt

ang

i love my husband but no matter what i say or do he just dont love me we are together 14 years and i feel so alone half of the time,no matter how much i ask him to out on dates he says no he,d rather go out on hes own ive tried to make him feel special but 2 no avail,i dont see him making an effort to take me out and if im feeling down instead of trying to make me feel better he puts me down more and somehow ends up making it about him as usual ive tried everything mayb some marraiges are just not meant to be,im on my own most of the time anyway so y should i keep trying when he cant be bothered.

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Ang, I believe and have seen all kinds of marriages change so I think anything is possible. You need to learn how to get the power to get him to change - a professional counselor can help with this. I doubt that you've tried everything. If you love him, it's worth the effort to learn what else you can do. -Kurt

BSMathew

Easier said than done.!!!10 years since we are married...1st five years he got my unconditional love..but he cheated me for five years..owned up n asked for forgiveness.. now i find it hard real hard to trust him..he says he loves me but i can ever feel it...i see him getting close to only after the lights r off..now i really feel hes taking me fr a ride n has gotten to a new relationship..i now dont want anything to have to do with this man...hw can i love this man?

alex

It's crazy hard I am trying for my kids but he cheated right after we had are daughter and got the girl pregnant how do I forgot or forgive?????

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Alex, Forgetting is obviously not possible. Forgiving is possible with a change of behavior by him, rebuilding of trust, and healing for you. Often this takes the help of a professional for both you and him. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

BSMathew, Yes, it is easier said than done. And it's really hard to do when they don't deserve it. But we've got to practice putting into the relationship what we want to get out of it. -Kurt

Deedee

I've been with my husband 4 20 yrs. I recently busted him Tlkg 2 a chick on da phone, he hide da # under some1 else name. Why he did it cus I'm not sexually active no more. Now he expecting me 2 put n I just can't. When we talk he makes it all about him. But he did this is sex everything n a marriage, what about us being friends, we don't go out no date nights. He expect sex. He is losing his mind, no I don't trust him. I have tired therapy, read da bible n prayed. Still I have no trust n him. It's sad

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Deedee, If the counseling you went to didn't teach you what to do about the disrespect and lack of love in your marriage, then you need to go to a different counselor. You need to learn how to change your marriage, and the right counselor can help you with that. -Kurt

L H

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. When I married him he lied about who he really was, a thug with criminal charges. I used to run away from that kind. Ater I was married to him I asked him why he lied to me, he said that I was a good girl and he knew I would not date him. He was right. Now 16 years later after I helped him go through school, he has 2 semesters to go before he graduates with his bachelor's in engineering he wants out of the marriage. He says he doesn't love me any more because I was to hard on him. Well he was very irresponsible with the bills and a huge spender. He promised me that when he finished I could go, because I dropped out so he could finish and now he wants to leave. I feel used I went through hell with his childish ways and putting up with poverty because of his criminal record and his racist parents. I now that his record is clear after 16 years, his credit is better than mine and he's about to graduate he wants a divorce. He doesn't want to talk and if I press a little he calls me a stalker. I cannot believe this monster was hidding inside this man all along. I am broken hearted.

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

LH, I'm very sorry to hear that. You need some professional guidance and support. Find a counselor to help you through this. -Kurt

Amockgonezealous

My husband and I have only been married for a year. We started off on the wrong foot, calling each other horrible names and reacting to stress by being disrespectful and eventually ignoring each other. We just hit rock bottom and I asked for a divorce after we both said some of the lowest things a couple should never say. but our counselor suggested we hold off on divorce talk for a while and try things her way. Showing appreciation, even if it was just appreciating that he's still hanging in when things are bad, being mindful of my reactivity and being patient while he tries to wrap his head around things too have already begun to change the temperature of our relationship. And so far the return on my own efforts has popped up in some nice ways. I'm still waiting to see if he will be able to meet my needs in the marriage, The trust in the marriage is still shaky and we're still living apart for the time being, but only patience, praise, respect, hard work and God's grace will save us. I'm just working on pitching in my 50 per cent.

Viridiana

The best way to have a man begging you for love is....... Leave him, divorce him, ignore him, treat him bad. You will see how he appreciates what you are. Unfortunately men always appreciate what they HAD almost never what they have. Praise him? He already thinks he its too much for you. Why in the world would you give him more reasons to feel that way? Believe me, I tried everything possible to save my first 2 marriages, is not a one person's task. I left them and both of them are still single and had made it clear several times they still have hope of coming back to me even thou I'm finally happily married to my perfect match. Too late.

sarah williams

Brilliant advice. I know what to do but struggle doing it! He doesn't love or care for me. I couldn't bear the thought of him with somebody else x

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Amockgonezealous, Good job on making that effort. Glad to hear you see results. You're counselor is right to be patient.

Viridiana, I disagree with your suggestions, but believe you're right that most of us, men and women too, often don't appreciate what we have. Glad to hear you're happily married now. -Kurt

lisa

my husband of 23yrs confessed that he cheated on me. young girl from his work place. he told me because he didn't want to lie to me. he said i don't deserved to be lied to. i was very heartbroken and sad. a month later he told me he broke-off with the girl and wants to save our marriage. i forgive him and still stay together for the sake of our two sons - age 11 & 12. recently he told me that he don't love me anymore. he spent more time at work even on off days and weekends. we hardly see each other or talk much now. i feel he is avoiding us. i'm confused. not sure where i stand or what am i?

Lyra

I have been with my husband for nine year and have been married for three. We rarely have arguments and thought we had a great marriage. We entertain a lot and spend a lot of time with friends and I now think that may be part of the problem but we always share with them the story of how we met, how we have struggled together and come out the other side, our wedding etc... we sounded happy. Which is why I couldn’t believe it when he told me yesterday that he that was no longer in love with me. He told me he can’t imagine life without me but he had to tell me how he felt. We always said we would be truthful to each other but now I don’t know what to do and I didn’t see it coming. We agreed to try to fix things but it just hurts too much and I don’t know how to act around him. I am afraid to smuther him or to drive him away

K

I thought I was the only one out there who felt this way. I guess it always feels like that. One thing I can say is you can only control what your actions. It is so important to think about your choices and ultimately what you want. if you want to be Amaris's to your husband, then you behave as such. Although you feel blindsided that is not the case. Your husband did not get where is his on his own. You need to understand and acknowledge your part in this. Often women minimize "sex" in a relationship. This is the most effective way for a man to fel like a man. It is so important to reciprocate. You need emotional connection and day to day affection. Men need sex, they can't even control the desire. It's part of their manhood. As long as you are disconnected from him in the bedroom, he will be disconnected all together, fixated on how his wife doesn't love him because she doesn't feel like making love. It's a vicious cycle because you can't be sexual if he's not emotional. You both want your way. You will find if you please your man in the bedroom and it's real, he will feel more connected and emotionally invested in the relationship

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

K, You make some good points. However, although sex is important to most men, but not all, sex is not the end all that your portray nor is it an uncontrollable desire. -Kurt

christina m

yes ive been married 2 years we dated 2 years before he doesnt ever want sex he callls me names and threatens to hit me sometimes does and he said he could hit me without puting marks on me and sometimes views porno wtf i dont know what to do hes slipped up with crack spent my whole check got a motel alone suposivly skipped work 600 dollors worth crack

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Lisa, Being confused is normal. Find a counselor to talk to and get some advice on what to do for you and your kids. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Lyra, Smuthering him could be a concern because I hear that complaint from men. You may need help in learning how to love him in a new way. Start with trying the 5 points in the article above. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Christina, You're in a physically abusive relationship and it needs to stop NOW. You need help in how to do this, so do a search online for a local women's abuse shelter and get some help. -Kurt

Jane

My husband love gambling. We've been married 12years. What should I do? I love him but he always make me no 2 in everything. Gambling is no 1. I want to leave him, but I still love him. I don't know what to do. Please, I need some advises

shelley

Me and my husband have been married of 22 years together 23. After i found him texting a coworker and questioned him, he said they were just friends but 3 wks later he told me he didnt love me anymore that he was in love with her and that i made him feel bad about himself and she didnt. He left home for 2 wks came home and left 2 wks later. Been gone for 3 1/2 months now. Hes been going to bars, calling women, lying like crazy, drinking like a fish and hasnt spoken to the kids the whole time hes been gone. His whole personality has changed. We believe he is going thru some sort of mid life crisis. Its crazy, he is acting like a person that we dont know anymore. Is it possible to get my marriage back. Because I know that he is going thru some crazy thing right now Im finding it very hard to let go. I still love him. How can I save my marriage and family when my husband is in the middle of a mid life crisis and wont listen to my or anyone else. We are so confused.

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Jane, If he has a gambling addiction then you have a part in it. Learn how you can stop supporting it. There's not the space here to teach you how, so talk to s counselor experienced with addiction. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Shelley, Give him some space but set some boundaries and limits around his behavior and what you'll accept in the meantime. -Kurt

shelley

It is hard to set boundaries when he doesnt live at home. He is free to do as he pleases because im not there to see it and when I ask, he lies. I know he does because sometimes i am able to check up on him, other times I cant. He has told me that he doesnt love me or want to be married to me anymore. I have seen many spouses leave their partner or cheat on them, but they are the same person as they were before. My husband has done a complete 180. I believe he is taking his midlife crisis out on me and I believe that he has to have some love for me deep in there somewhere. I am trying to give him space but it is very hard when I dont trust him anymore. But I dont want to lose him either. He has asked for a seperation agreement but I have been putting him off because it seems so final. It is the strangest thing, I have never been thru anythiing so bizarre in my whole life.

Rhian

i got pregnant at the age of 17,and now i have a baby,me and my partner living together for 3yrs and now i can feel that hes not into me anymore,when i hug him he put my hands away,he dnt say i love u,he always goes out or stay late for work,when i ask hm if he still loves me he says yes,but yet i cant feel his sincerity,the way he looks at me as if hes looking at nothng..i am being a good mother to our son and being a good wife to him,but still he wont show even a little appreciation,im always prayng to god to give me more strength to stay in ths relationship,but now i feel that i cant hold on anylonger,i love him so much but whats the point ,he dont care at all.im tired of cryng every night,i tired of pushng myslf to him..any advce :(

my husband has cheated on me three times with different women and when i ask him he is always rude and abusive to me any time we have agurment he always calls me names what a normal boy friends and girl friends will not say to each other he hate my family all he ever do is talk about his families.we have three children together he his always on the internet when he see me coming close he change the scream he so rude I can even ask him who his on the phone with am confused and want to live him regardless of my children's love for him his family is not even helping matters

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Rhian, None of us can make another person love us back. You both should consider the affect of your love-less relationship on your son. It's very damaging to his development to have parents be unloving to each other and for his mother to be crying every night. This should be motivation for you both to change this. -Kurt

Melissa

Here is a stumper for you there... My husband just up and stopped talking to me, started being angry with me all the time. Stopped calling me or texting me from work and started staying gone for says at a time. Yep, affair. However, because I never believed my husband would do that to me, I didn't suspect it. I thought he was just going through some stress or internal stuff. Even though he would get mad and berate me and tell me to die and that he hated me whenever I asked him where he had been. Fast forward about 6 months from end of affair. He came crawling back when she no longer wanted him. We were supposed to "work things out." I cook dinner, he won't eat it and tells me everything that is wrong with it, to let him make it next time, its nasty. (yet everyone else eats it..) I make his lunch every day for work, lay out his clothes for him, make sure his keys and everything are ready... yet he never even tells me bye in the morning. I am not looking for loads of praise or thanks for doing things for him, just a kiss goodbye. I got him a nice card for our 10th anniversary, wrote a nice note inside (I didn't have money for anything else.) He not only didn't get me even a card, he read mine, and goes "thats a nice card." No hug, no kiss, no thanks. I wasn't looking for it, but its just an example. I have learned not to expect anything in return from our marriage. I write him little notes for him to find in the morning, telling him to have a good day, that I love him. That hasn't worked. I mow the grass for him and take out the trash for him, that doesn't work. I wait on him hand and foot, making his plate, pouring his drinks... no thanks, nothing in return emotionally. I tell him I love him, I come up behind him and hug him. I hold him at night. Nothing. I never get hugs or kisses in return. He's told me he doesn't love me, only likes me a little. We have 3 children, I don't work. I am trying to find a job... there seems to be nothing right now. I have nowhere else to go. If I vocalize any unhappiness in my marriage, I am told I can take the children and leave. It's "his house." It used to be OUR house, OUR money... but not since the affair. Now its HIS house, and HIS money. I have tried using praises on him like thanking him for working so hard to make money for us. It's very hard from going from feeling cherished, to feeling like a burden on him and society as a whole. He used to tell me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me... then this other woman came along. Now all he does is tell me how much he hates me and how fat and ugly I am. Makes fun of the way I dress. (Because I dress modestly, but have done so for years now...) When I cook, instead of how he used to say thanks and how good it is, he always tells me what is wrong with it, and refuses to eat it. So if you have some advice for this, I would love to hear it... because I am tired of being depressed and having low self esteem. Tired of my husband and his needs and wants coming before even the children. (He went and bought a brand new motorcycle without talking to me about it first, because its HIS money... and now our bills are tight, and I can't even hardly afford diapers on the budget. I am trying to find a job, which sometimes he is all for "get a job or get out" and sometimes he tells me I don't need one...) What should I do?

depressed

my husband is just like the rest of yours, we hardly say 2 words to each other every day, yesterday was our 20 year anniversary and he did not even kiss me, when i tried to kiss him he moved his lips for me to kiss his cheek...we only have sex at night when i am sleeping , he will hump all on me and wake me up out my sleep...we have 3 kids and i think we are not departed because of the kids...we dont even fuss anymore, we just do nothing...no love, no nothing...i still love him, and i try to make things work but nothing i do will work....

Staci

I have been married 3 years. We had a rough spot in the beginning but we kept moving forward. We have a 2 1/2 year old son now. I feel I have tried everything. I have seen 2 counslers. One of which I actually got him to go to a marriage counsler, the counsler said that he wanted to meet with my husband on a solo visit with just him, then that turned into 2 solo visits. Which my husband never went to the first one and we stopped going. My husband said can't you see the counling is ruining us. In which one of the sessions my husband admitted to the counsler that he was taking all the bad experiences with women in his past out on me. Hmm.. Anyway things have not gotten any better. I still tell him good job when ever I can when appropriate. I take care of our son fully. I make sure my husband has everything he needs and then some. I get nothing in return not signs of anything. He actually tries to avoide me in our house, I always here him leave a room as I am about to walk into it. I kiss him every morning and every night. I get no response from his lips. He purposfully gets angry at me for reasons that I can not understand. It is as if he makes a situation up in his head and then takes it out on me. I have recorded conversation between my husband and myself to take to a counsler to better learn how I can respond so that my husband doesn't get and attitude with me and give me the silent treatment as punishment. The counsler was a t a loss after some time meeting with him. I also have discussed with some other close female friends that they would tell me if I was doing soething wrong. I value others opinions so that I can better myself. They were also at a loss. What I am perceiving from my husband is that he doesn't love me, even dislikes me. He is only sticking around for his son. When I mention something about needing to discuss separation he will be nice to me for a week or so. Nice meaning he is actually looking at me or speaking words to me with out putting me down. We work together and I have coworkers asking me what is wrong with him all the time after they witness interaction between him and I over lunch. Nothing out of what would be appropriate for work, just his silence and lack of eye contact. I really don't know what to do. I have been playing along as if all is good to make sure I keep up my part by being nice and praising him, and kissing him, and initiating sex. I can count on 1 hand how many times he has initiated sex since we have been married. When we do have sex he does verbalize how good it is. So I am not sure what he won't start it. He is 18 years older than me and soemtimes I think his ego will not let him share his aging with me. I am pretty easy to get along with. If there is a prble there is a solution lets work through it. However, I can't do that when he refuses to be around me. He sleeps on teh counch every night and has for a very long time. What do I do my son adores my husband?

lulu

This article appears to have been written by an 8th grade boy. Or a man of questionable intelligence in the 1940's. So, I hope for the sake of humankind no woman would read this and actually feel bad about herself and take it to heart. This article is the opinion of a close-minded, bitter, lonesome, SINGLE, virgin, misogynist, physically unattractive guy. Probably a guy who has a very small penis, or erectile dysfunction, and wants to blame it on his wife. Get a life, dude.

Lisa

Ladies, read the Peter Pan Syndrome by Dan Kiley. Sounds like most if not all of you are married to men that do not want to grow up. When you ask them to be responsible (in a nice way), they blame you, belittle you, withdraw etc. They are like spoiled little brats having a tantrum. They do not see anything beyond their own fickle wants and needs. They don't know what it means to be in a loving adult relationship. So why do we stay with these guys? Because of the few times where they do express love, it feels glorious. Because we know that they are hurting, and the nurturer in us wants to help them. Because we see their potential. Because we know that deep down he is a good guy. The problem is the more we give them more he'll take and the more defeated we'll feel. The more defeated we feel, the less attractie we are to him. Sucks righ?! He causes this negative reaction in us, but we have the power to say 'Oh hell no!' I'm a Goddess. I may not be perfect, but I have tried my best, and I am valuable, and I deserve love. I deserve a man that will listen to me and want to be there for me. You don't have to leave your husband, but you also don't have to put up with his ish. The way to get your confidence and power back is to believe and prepare to leave. You don't have to threaten him, or even tell him what you've got going on. Just allow yourself to feel empowered by giving yourself permission to think about leaving. You don't have to stop being kind to him. You don't have to stop modeling the kind of behavior you want in return, but you can stop taking his crap. 'Honey, where are my keys?!" You normally respond in a helpful loving way, stop what you're doing and help him look for them. That's what a mom would do. You are not his mother. You can respond in a way that is loving, but doesn't make you feel bad or embolden his disrespect. How about saying something like "I'm in the middle of something so I can't help you right now." Do not use sarcasm or an angry tone. Just put yourself first. He will live.

I also recommend that you read Dan Kiley's book Living Together and Feeling alone, and the article entitled: Anger, Men, and Love. These resources are helping me tremendously and I hope they bring you some understanding and help put you on a path to self healing.

Lastly, we all deserve to be loved in return. Never ever feel bad abotu wanting demonstrative love. You don't have to blame him, and you don't have to blame yourself for the problems in your relationship. Just be willing to try a new approach. Give yourself some milestones, some dead lines, and really start to think about you and the rest of your life. Imagine you had a little girl and she kept complaining about how her husband treats her. What advice would you give her?

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Melisssa, You need to become less dependent on him. Your self esteem shouldn't be tied to his approval. Getting a job is a great way to begin to change this. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Lisa, Great question for everyone to consider: "Imagine you had a little girl and she kept complaining about how her husband treats her. What advice would you give her?" Thanks for sharing. -Kurt

Claudia

Well if it isn't the insite of a male who thinks he knows everything about women !! For one thing "Kurt"... men are sex addicted morons who think having sex will shut you up and take care of our needs in every shape and form. Because for men showing the love they think they need to show is by having sex with they partner, only when THEY want too... So by no not actually expressing anything that makes any sense to any of these women tells me that you know absolutely nothing about women...and btw "thanks for sharing".

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Claudia, The men you describe may be 'your' man, but that doesn't describe 'all' men. The advice I give may be hard to do given how he treats you, but it is right. -Kurt

Elizabeth

Just sitting here, reading all these posts, while I sit home alone on a Saturday night. My husband and his daughter, who is here for her scheduled w/e with her dad, left last night and haven't contacted me since...My husband and I have been married a little over a year; together for a little over 3. Within the year of being married, things have been awful. To put things into perspective, this is his 2nd marriage, but he's been divorced from the 1st wife for 19 yrs. He'll soon turn 49 and I've just turned 39. He is extremely childish and last night went as far as completely unplugging the tv and satellite box in our den all bc I sat down to watch tv and told him I was finished arguing with him for the evening, which seemed to make him even more mad to the point that he left. This all started bc I informed him that I wanted to get a motel room for the upcoming w/e for a trip he planned for us to his friend's house, in the next state over, rather than us sleep on the guy's couch. (We are adults and we are married. I'm not going out of town, away from my home, to sleep in my clothes on someone's couch for the w/e. Is getting a motel room too much to ask???) He said 'no', so I politely told him that I wasn't going or would make other plans for myself. He proceeded to throw up any fault of mine he could think of and even some that were made up and completely untrue. Now...this is not an uncommon thing for him...the leaving, the name calling, etc. In fact, it is almost becoming an every other day thing, absolutely every w/e. He picks a fight, leaves and heads to a friend's house and comes home to sleep in the recliner, or on most every occasion, in the car! The "sleeping in the car" thing has actually become funny to me, especially with him being 49-yrs-old.

So...I'm a southern girl, born, raised, and living in S.C. and the same with him, other than the girl part. I was raised very old fashion. I do most all of the cooking, which includes his breakfast on weekdays at 5:45 am, and all of the housework, laundry, etc. However lately, when he decides not to come to bed, he doesn't get breakfast.

It has now gotten to the point that I no longer feel married and our time together is only spent when he decides to come inside to sleep in our bed. I feel completely alone, and especially right now while my children are spending the summer with their dad in another state. We are currently renting our house from my parents, so it wouldn't make sense for me to leave, but I can't continue like this and he won't leave either. I don't feel like he's cheating bc I can always find him if needed, at a friend's, drinking beer. I want my marriage to work, if it's capable of being salvaged. However, I feel like it's too far gone bc he's possibly fallen out of love with me. I definitely need some insight on whether to give up or hang in there and try something new. There are times when he's the sweetest, most loving man ever, and tells me how much he loves and adores me, but those times are becoming few and far between.

Leslie

My husband and I are very young, (21). We make little issues turn into big arguments. In our arguments he often tells me "Im stuck in this lease with a person like you" meaning he cant leave because he has to pay rent. He will also call me names like stupid bitch and that sort of thing when we are arguing. I want to leave I want to show him he doesnt have to be "stuck" with a person like me. And then he will realize how much he needs me because I really do so much for him that he does not appreciate. I want to leave, but I have no where to go.

tiffany

My husband says he does not love me anymore, He says that he sees me just as a friend, We have 2 children im 26 and his 36, How can i help him fall back in love, He has currentky started working away and that when his feelings have all come to the surface that he does not miss me like he should or wann talk to me like he should, We were still having sex until recently he said he cant as he feels bad afterwards??

Cindy

This isn't bad advice at all, if you aren't in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship...I think that's the point people are missing. Besides, this advice is good for men to follow as well, and, if you're searching this info online, you should probably be in marriage counseling too, anyway.

Alicia

My husband and I have been together for a few years now and have a 15 month old son. I am a stay at home mom right now(not by choice). I tried working and going to school but he didn't like that because I was hardly ever home and when I was home I would be real busy with homework and housework and our son. I also think he didn't like to pick up the slack and cook dinners and clean up the kitchen sometimes. I left before him and came home after him. Eventually I had to drop out of school because all we did was argue. We moved across country to be closer to my family and he said he was excited about it. Turns out he hated it so he dragged us across country again away from all my friends and family. We started arguing a lot lately because he says I don't do my share in the relationship. But the thing is I don't ask him to do anything around the house. If he does do something its because I'm busy with something else or sleeping and I haven't gotten to it yet. He ran out of underwear the other day and yells at me that he always has to do the laundry. ONCE! I always do laundry on saturdays, I can't read his mind and know he's out of underwear. I burned my hand not too long ago and couldn't do the dishes and he was so sweet and did them without me having to ask. A couple days later we got in an arguement and he said he always has to do the dishes! I do them by hand every day without fail. Then when I'm trying to talk things out with him he says I'm crazy and turn things around and around in my head until things are how I want them! And when we argue he says the exact things he know will hurt me the most. We are poor and I'm sure this contributes because we don't have the money to go out and do things but since we have one car I don't get out at all. My 15 month old son and my husband are really the only people I get to talk to everyday. But for the past 6 months or so he won't give me the time of day. I try to talk to him and he doesn't pay any attention to me. He just plays his video games and watches tv. He stops to eat whatever I cook then goes right back to it. I have BEGGED him that we do something else but he won't. We only sleep together when I'm the one to initiate it. But sometimes he tells me hes too tired. I feel very very unloved. Everytime I bring it, even if I'm as calm as ever it turns into a big arguement. I don't want to argue anymore. I have resigned to playing with our son, knitting, reading or on the computer. Even though we are in the same room, we barely talk at all. I feel like I'm just sticking around because I don't want to take his son from him like his first wife. I don't know what to do..and I doomed to live this loveless life forever?

Apaiine

My husband of 6 yrs refuses to have sex with me and doesnt no why but lights up when he sees another woman claims he loves me but cannot maintain a conversation with me or even touch me he also embarrasses me when oter women are around by flirting and holding conversations and exing me out he shuts down on me but opens up to otha women im so confused

Tammy

My husband and I have been married for 27 and a half years, have three children and he told me he loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. He does not know if he wants to continue the marriage, he just wants to be left alone. He is very angry and hurt because I was so busy taking care of the children, house, bills, laundry, meals and working a full time job outside the house, that I didn't make enough time for him. He was also working two jobs, so we could pay our bills and was always gone and when he was home, very tired. I feel like I was just doing what a good mom does, taking the best care of her family and I never meant to hurt him and always loved him. Now he won't talk to me, totally avoids me, and doesn't even want me to sleep in the same bed with him. He used to tell me good night, good morning, that he loved me, now he barely says hello and goodbye. He wants to be away from the house all the time, so that he has time to think and figure out his life. Every day is just like torture because he goes about his everyday business, trying to be normal to the kids, but I do not mean anything to him. How do I function in life with this happening? It is all I can do to put one foot in front of another and go to work every day, and try and do the things I have to do for everyday life. Is it fair that he can treat me this way, while he "figures out" what HE wants in life? Whether it is to divorce me or try again? He won't go to counseling to try and make things better, either with or without me.

Witchcumback

Why listen to the author he is a man...

Jacqueline

I've been married for 5 years, I got married when I was 18 & he was 20. Things have been hard we have both cheated but he was now saying he needs to "find himself" & in a week we will rent a truck and pack up all my stuff I'll move back to N.C (we are now living in FL) Only I will be moving. He says we have both did too much to each other to forgive right now. & maybe in a year or so we could see if things are better. I lost my mom when I was 18 and my dad turn to drugs. I have no car or job, hes in the navy and he said he would send me 600 a month. I'm hurt but acting like this is fine. while he is sleeping in the living room i'm crying myself to sleep so I can act like I'm ok with this.When he is around he kisses me. Telling me he loves me. I don't know how to handle this I have onone to talk to about this? I don't won't to leave my home.. I have nowhere to go. I cry then get angry HELP PLEASE

rebtaylor67

My husband of 27 years...well, he's all about the kids. We recently adopted our neice and nephew that we've had custody of since they were babies, now 4 and 5 years old. I work full time, 12 hour days, and he is a carpenter. I've suggested date night, we've gone to marriage counseling (which works for a few weeks and then he starts making excuses about not being able to go), and we have done couples groups at church. I am tired of being the only one in this relationship to try to fix things. We have not had sex in 18 months, and before that it was a year. The sad part about that is I don't even really care anymore. He usually kisses me goodbye and hello (not goodnight because he sleeps with one of the kids!). The last counselor we saw said we have "lost our momentum". I make suggestions about household rules that he agrees with and then doesn't enforce. It's like his world revolves around the kids, and he wants to be their friend, not a Parent. I feel lonely and angry...and alone. I have said that sometimes it seems like he would be happier if I wasn't even here.

lily

i have been in a 3 year relationship with my partner i have 3 children to a previous relationship,a 8mnth old to him and am 7mnths pregnant with our 2nd child,we had the best relationship ever, communication and all.he dont drink or smoke just works so every tuesday night was his night out with the boys pllaying in pool comps. just 2mnths ago he cheated i found out through a txt on his fone.i was so hurt and felt used but he said he loved me and would never do it again.... that it was his 1st mistake to give him another chance to prove his love....a month later i find a number on his fone saved to a guys name buh the rung the number and bingo, another woman he had been txtin during the day and had deleted all txts and told her not to txt after a certain time because i was jelous...what do i do give him yet another chance and hurt like hell while doing it or let him go,i know it was only txtin buh that leads to cheating again plz help

lily

the above comment is mine...if it dont make sense its becaujse im crying and typing and i kant think.is it worth trying.forgiving. he kisses and comforts me , tels me he loves me,when hes with me i feel safe and loved but wen he away i think he txtikn someone or even sleeping around, im so lost right now,dos he really still love me???

Sarah

I've been engaged to my man for just 7months with a baby but he keeps cheating on me with different ladies more than 5 just within some few months he doesn't hide it he keeps showing me disrespect irrespective of who is around,he's been cheatn since de day i realised i was carrying his seed he bulleys me abuses me nd so on his mum doesn like me due to de fact dat i complained about his attitude to his mum nd now he even told me he is a happy man who am not around him nd dat he doesn't luv me anylonger, don't remember de very last time he gave me a common kiss or a hug let to talk of sex am only 24 nd i feel so lonely nd rejected by de man i initialy thought was soo much in luv with me. I sometimes feel like i must break up with him cos I've lost my beauty nd dignity im more dat happy go luck girl i use to be nd with my baby wat do i do im jobless aswel.

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Jacqueline, First, you have just as much say as he does about your moving. So if you don't want to go, don't. Second, you need to start to take a longer term view of this and begin to take better care of yourself. Start by finding ways to be less dependent upon him (find a job, go back to school, etc.). Third, get some professional support. Search online for low cost counseling in your area. Since he's in the Navy, you should have counseling options available to you. -Kurt

TToff

I have been married for almost 12 years...I was a good wife,and he has made some changes over the years but doesn't stick to them...I am done being the good wife...I take care of myself now, told him when he is ready to "let me in and treat me the way i deserve" let me know. You can not change anyone only yourself.Stop making yourself crazy on why or what did I do wrong. If he wants to get off his butt and out of his comfy spot to get our walking papers then thats fine-till then I do what I want and need to keep myself happy and healthy-and he can kiss my butt...do not praise him because he will not return it.He should be praising you.Take your power back.:)

Cat

Your advice says is one way. He stopped doing those things for me as well.

lily

hi my husband and i are 2 yrs married and we have a baby boy 1yr old.. we lived in malaysia ..we had very bad misunderstandin and he sent me back to india 9months pregnant while i begd for forgivness ... i still don kno what was the mistake i did... but den my baby was born n he neve came to see him.. after my baby was 6months old i askd for divorce n he said ok but then when my son was 11months old he came back wit lots of love n life was gud for a week but den wen muy dad up me down in front of him now his actions are differing... he's headin back to wat he was... he love sex more den me he says.. he sends no time wit me or the kid... plz suggest..

susana fehr

we have bien married for almost 1 year my husband he dosent tell me that he loves me or kisses me we have 2 kids 3 year old 6 months old like i check has facebook sometimes and he talks to others girls he tells them that he loves them then if i ask him why he tells them that he loves he said he is just playing with him he wants me to lose weight im only 224 lbs

Jenny

My husband and I was been married for 1 1/2 years toward for 2 1/2 years. He's 45 years old, he was married when he was younger. Throughout the years, he's been in a out of relationships. I have three children who have joint custody with my ex. A week ago, my drunk husband told me he doesn't love me and wants out. Later, he's crying and said he went to far. He doesn't want me to leave. Tells me over and over he loves me. Later in the week, I found out from a friend that he was texting another friend (girl) that he doesn't love me. But he keeps on saying he loves me. He's says he doesn't know who is or what he wants. I love my husband and my life. I've been fighting for it everyday.

anne

my husband and i have been married for 22yrs, as usual ive struggled with my running around trying not to let him ruin our family name with other ladies as we are well known he loves to chat with them and if he can get closer he will but ive always stopped him. but know im 43 and his 51 and im tired of all this crap and cant handle it anymore even though he has controlled himself but i dont realy care anymore what i care about now is my kids have grown and my daughter is engaged to a good man and want our family name to stay clean , i will do anything for my kids, even if i have to live with a kind of perving husband but why cant he perv on me , thats my question why not me , i know im a good person , i have great friends and am great with both of our familes , but im not going to let him put me down no more ,i wont leave him coz i need him for the kids and reputation and money . so ladies like kurt says just praise him but only infront of others so u still have ur family together. i feel bueatiful wether he says it or not , i am lovable wether he says it or not and he is still in my house under my roof and in my bed wether he likes it or not, im enjoying my life with the kids and enjoying it . wether he likes it or not.

Wife #1

We have been married since 2008. IT is 2012 currently. I am 26 years old and i cant remember the last time we had sex. Or the last time he made me orgasm. He has no friends, and is not a fan of me having friends over. He works day shift and i work night shift. The small amount of time we can spend together i try to make the best of. He doesn't want to have sex, and when we do. . . WEll it SUCKS~! I want to cry afterwards b/c this is how sex is going to be the rest of my life. I am Tired of finishing myself off, and starting myself up. I want to go back to being the independent women with a life and friends that i used to be. He refuses to cuddle me hold me or anything loving like that. Im married, miserable, lonely & i have too much respect for myself to just go cheat on him. we have no financial problems, we get along ok on a daily basis. I cant go on like this forever. My endless efforts to make him smile, and make him happy are futile at best. We are young attractive & smart people. . . i just dont get it. I have even considered the fact that he might be GAY for all i know?!?!

Nicole

Do you have any advice if your spouse has autism? My husband is different than a typical guy. I went into this relationship knowing and accepting this fact. Some of his actions can be cold, but I have learned that it is just "him" He has his moments, and then he's fine. A few weeks ago my husband tells me he was leaving and isn't in love with me anymore. Oh the pain, it was the worst feeling. I of course begged and pleaded, offered to do anything. He did agree to stay. But then found out he had been talking to another woman. And after spying I located her facebook. This woman is everything my husband hates. I can not for the life of me comprehend why he wanted her. Everything that annoys him about someone, is all her. I had to be careful how I approached this since I was afraid I would just chase him straight into her skanky arms. He agreed to stop talking to her, but he didn't seem sorry. He never told me he was sorry. I have turned into his slave, waiting on him hand and foot and being the best submissive wife I can be. He wants me to lose weight, so I started walking and eating 700 calories a day. The new me actually seems to be making him happy. But our sex life has changed. He use to want me, give me those cute little hints that he's wanting sex. But since this occurred I have been the one to initiate sex everytime. And have been turned down. He has never turned me down before. I don't know if he is still with this other woman, I'd rather not know. But I just want to be happy.... Happy with my husband.

lynell

Look ladies bottom line up front....either stay or leave...I have been in a horrible marriage where I was degraded to the point I could not love myself ...I thought I could not leave him because I did not have a job and we had 3 kids 11 months apart...When I finally left I was worried that I could not make it but I did cause it gets better with time....I was happier alone then with a man that cheated on me ....now I am married to a man another man that is not abusive but he cheats and does not really help money wise but we get along great....I fix that problem by getting me some business of my own..WHAT IS OLD TO HIM IS ALWAYS NEW TO SOMEONE ELSE....be a man ladies this guy say some woman comes along giving your man praise that you use to.. well...get out and find the man that is going to give you the praise and attention he use too.....with you not worrying about your husband all the time cause you done got you some busy....that alone will change your marriage ....he will notice you dont care and be curious than you will get attention....or he will not notice cause he is dumb but your friendship will increase which will lead to sex...and on the plus side if the other man turns out to be better you can always leave him for something new...WIN WIN!!!!

KS

Hi,

Me and my husband are married since 9 years. I manage his business and his house. we have 2 daughters. One daughter just born. He told me when I was 8 months preg. with my second daughter that he doesnt love anyone anymore. He has no feelings. Funny thing is since i was 8 month preg. I felt that not only he has no love, he doesn't care.. doens't even look at me like a human to help a pregnant lady. wont' help me pick up heavy things.. won't help me to bring groceries in.. or not even help me change light bulbs and things that are so.. high. Either way, I still love him a lot. It has been 4 months now.. he still keeps telling me that "I love the kids now.. but I have no feelings for u still. I don't know what to do. I dno't know if or when I am going to get it"

I am really tired of feeling this way. I love him a lot and I don't want this relationship to end. I want to be with him when I grow old. I have worked and helped hiim A LOT since he started his business. I have done everything at home. He doesn't help at home at all. He needs everythign ready for him at home. He doesn't mind to pay for getting help but he will not do anything himself. He hurts me a lot..emotionally. I hate gonig through these days. AGAIN, I love him a lot but him not loving me breaks me. He likes to go out with his friends. He likes to spend time with kids. but when it comes to me, he doesn't show any LOVE or CARE. What do I do?? What should I do? I am so.. confused. I don't know where to go from here? how long should I wait? He won't go to any counseling..

fedup

i so appreciate sites like this, helps me feel less alone. i am sorry for everyones heartache, and want to share what im doing about my own. my partner and i have been together for a significant amount of time, much closeness...or so i thought. in the beginning he was the most amazing man id ever met, everything i ever wanted. i used to cry because i couldnt believe how lucky i was. i adored him, respected him, cherished him and loved him with all my heart. that, i believe was my biggest mistake. i wanted this kind of relationship so badly, i dove in heart first....i not for one second believed he would EVER hurt me, he understood, we connected, similar backgrounds, experiences, we were friends first....wow did my world come crashing down. ive never believed that loving should be a game, i dont do the hide n; seek, the run n; chase, or anything else suggested like that. i believe if two people love each other there are no guards, no walls. no limits, just go with it.during our initial honeymoon i started to notice "little things" he didnt call as much, not as many sweet gestures,he did less and less to put into our relationship while i did more and more to try and fix it. it seemed the more patient and more tolerant i became, the worse he got. my mistake? i should have ran! i tried and tried to talk to him, work it out with him, the more i tried, the worse he became. i should have ran, but i kept going back. he became a man that ignored me and my feelings, helped everyone else BUT me/us. id cry and cry, hed leave. if i was sick sore or tired, he did nothing to help me, it became as though i didnt even exist to him. everything and everyone was always more important. everything he did, everywhere he went, was to suit himself. nothing i did or said had any impact or significance. again i should have ran. i spent all my money on putting into our relationship, while he bought everything to please himself only. all the while i became so depressed and down on myself for failing, he continued to blame everything on me....and i started to believe it. but i kept asking myself, how could this be true? how could he do this to me? to us? id go to bed alone and sad, started cutting myself off from everything and everyone, depression...while he seemingly glided through life like nothing was wrong. he never did anything for me, left me in tears often, and always acted like it was ME with the issues. he treated me like a doormat, a soundboard for his daily stress, a convenience. i got nothing in return. i tried a few times to leave him, but ended up back, things would be good for awhile, then right back to garbage. it still hurts very much, as our latest seperation is still fresh. but i am still angry and it gets me through my days. i know in time my anger will ease as i see clearer each day what went wrong. i have to remind myself that just because everyone in this mans world adores him and thinks hes this great guy, doesnt mean that theyve lived with him and know him like i do. i have to keep telling myself that appearances arent everything. i have to remind myself that no other woman is lucky to have him, as he will never change. i have to keep in mind that i did everything i could to keep us going, and that us falling apart was not entirely my fault as hed like me to believe. im slowly learning as i pull myself out of this depression what my mistakes were.....i didnt listen to my intuition, i should have ran, fast and furious lol. the VERY MINUTE i started feeling invisible, i should have bolted and never looked back....i didnt do these things, but i did alot for love, and i dont hate myself for that. i try not to think that maybe he misses me or maybe he will, cause maybe he doesnt and maybe he wont. and it is him that misses out....i am working toward forgiving myself and forgiving him. but i cant stress enough how important it is, as others have posted....to TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST.

Annie

I'm in the living room at 7am all to myself while my husband is in the bedroom. I came out here to clear my head and shed some tears as i couldn't hold them back anymore. I've been married for almost 2yrs now and i can assure you that i have never cried this much in my premarital life as i have within the last 2yrs of marriage. My husband started regretting our marriage about two months into it and up till now, its gone from bad to worse. We got married after 1yr of courtship. He complains about EVERYTHING, at this point i am not sure i can ever satisfy him. Sometimes it feels like he is comparing with another woman, maybe a "dream girl", his ex or something. He complains about my cooking, my dressing, my hair...EVERYTHING! Don't get me wrong, i am gorgeous and this was the main attraction when we were dating. Every guy seems to find me attractive, my friends and family love my cooking, everyone says i've got a good heart, im friendly and amiable. How come my husband is the only man on this planet who doesnt see or think these things? I have been the best wife i can be. Prayed, read the bible, tried serving him diligently, i've been honest in all my doings, been faithful to the last letter....can someone tell me what i am doing wrong or not doing right? He doesnt kiss me anymore, i mean literally i cant remember the last time we had a 10 seconds kiss. I have resulted to brushing my teeth three times a day thinking it is bad breath. I chew on mint in between to have lasting fresh breath all day...still it doesnt work. We dont make love anymore, only have sex about once or at most twice a week, he doesnt even kiss me while we are at it. That makes me feel cheap and like he is taking advantage of me. He doesnt respond to my emotional needs, i always tell him how i feel but most times he defends himself by saying i am too petty and emotional and that "such things shouldnt be a problem". He makes me feel like i am too petty to think about these things let alone bring them up. Recently i discovered he has been cheating on me. I read a couple of love messages from the lady to him and he replied same. He even admitted to her that he "isn't happy in his marriage". I confronted him and he gave me a weak apology. I call it weak because it wasn't heartfelt. Almost as if he wasn't sorry, he only said sorry for the sake of peace not repentance. Since then whenever i bring it up, it ends in either an argument or him walking out on me. I feel as if he is only staying in this marriage out of responsibility. He claims he loves me but i dont feel it. He may be but i am sure he isnt "in love with me". Yesterday at work, he sent me a message on my phone saying that he is willing to change and that he knows he hasnt been the best husband to me. I told him i needed a heartfelt apology and true repentance because all i get are words with no action. This isnt the 1st time he will ask for a second chance. I thought if he still had any dignity or remorse left in him, he will give at least give me that apology i have asked for when he returned from work but how wrong i was. He got home being so cocky and arrogant saying he has "tried his best" and i was proving difficult because i was seeking a face to face and honest apology. In a nutshell, he never apologized. Honestly i am so fed up and running out of ideas on how to make this work. I have thought about the "D" word so many times but i am from a strong christian background and just cannot bring my head around that. We have no children yet, i suffered two miscarriages within our 2yrs of marriage. I love this man but each day i feel emotionally drained, unloved, unattended to, i feel lost. I have lost my self-confidence as a woman, my self-esteem. I look in the mirror and see a shadow, not the charming, vibrant lady which i used to be. I can't suggest counseling cos i know he would object. He is too arrogant to admit to someone else that there's a problem. I feel trapped and i cant help but feel i made the biggest mistake of my life by dating him how much more marrying him. Right now, i am trying to develop and concentrate on myself. I am presently on a Masters Degree and aiming to get a well paid and fulfilling job and just LIVE my life. I have put so many things on hold because of him cos i thought love is about putting the other person before you but now i just don't care anymore but that doesn't still deny the fact that i am still unhappy and my marriage is in crisis.

tady

My husband doesnt even look at me, the only time he is happy is when he goes to work( he is in the military) , comes home talking about work, and when he talks to his daughter. Dec 3 marks our 2 year anniversarry. Tonight he told me that he wants to get a divorce, I cried my eyes out. He was so emotionless, I feel like I've done everything to please him.

Betty

I have been married 26 years and together for 29. For the past 6 years have slept on the couch . He says he loves me he kisses me the odd time but never holds me or spends time with me. We do everything separate although I try so hard to do things together. He excludes himself from family things. I'm so tired of being alone and feel trapped unloved. I don't know where to go or how to. There's no self esteem left as he constantly makes me feel like I'm losing my mind or wrong in everything I say. I'm a lost soul right now.

shilt

i am happy to know this site

shilt

pls,my name is shilt,i have been married for 8yrs now and i have two kids,my husband used to love me but for now,he does not have my time,he hangs out with friends and girlfriends every day and spends more outside than in the house,i can't even remember when he last gave me money for my needs,he does not even like to take me out,i feel as if he does not want me any more,he even make love to me only when he feels as to,he does not care about my feeling,pls,i need his love and care again,what can i do?

shilt

pls,my name is shilt,i have been married for 8yrs now and i have two kids,my husband used to love me but for now,he does not have my time,he hangs out with friends and girlfriends every day and spends more outside than in the house,i can't even remember when he last gave me money for my needs,he does not even like to take me out,i feel as if he does not want me any more,he even make love to me only when he feels as to,he does not care about my feeling,pls,i need his love and care again,what can i do? Posted @ Tuesday, November 20, 2012 8:57 AM by shilt

annie

It is so nice to read everybodys storys an to know that I am not the only one going throug this emosianal stage in a marrige, we are married for 16 years been devorced and got married again (to each other) but this time things have realy gone to far we were so happy did have our fair fights that any marrige would have but never stayd cross for long. I am also 1 of those woman that do everything for her husband, lay out his clothes, pack him lunch, kleen cook and spend time with him, but lately I don't seem to do anything right. The house is not cleen enough the food is not good I'm to fat every thing I say or do he will find something wrong with. I have always done everyting for him and everything must go his way me and the kids is always ready to please him. He has lowered my selfesteem so bad lately that I beleve I am useless and ugly I don't want to cook or kleen just be in my own corner. Things has gone so far he has been sleeping in a seprate bed now for 3 weeks. I am always the one to apoligise and be nice again but now I'm tired of being that one! He will never go for counsling beacause he. Beleves his not te wrong one. What must I do he told me last night that I must make a list of things I want in the house???? Must I leave or stay??? I feel so alone!!

Mia

I have been married 44 years. After the kids all moved back home everything went south. Our finances, our health, our homelife, and our relationship. I believe stess to be the culprit, but I believe when there are problems, couples should "pull together" and give each other strength. Instead we have drifted apart. We are still very youthful, and I hate to waste precious time feeling isolated and depressed. Only sex brings us together "temporarily", and only then does he have anything "nice" to say. Most of the time he says nothing. We really need to resolve some issues. I think only then will things get "back on track". Talking helps, but my husband isn't a talker. We're at an impasse, and the kids are comfortable and in no hurry to leave and give our lives back. We're at a loss. Things can always be worse, but then again they can be better too.

Phoebe Taylor

My husband and i have been married for 4 years, together for six. When we got married i was comin out of an abusive home so he was my escape. I felt like he helped me grow. About a year ago after the birth of our daughter the post partum depression had me ver confused. I had been disappointed with him since before that. He has no passion for life and doesnt care about doing things together. It drove me to cheat with an older man at work. Ever since then i feel like he blames me for our marital problems. He spends more time playing video games than with me. He is very selfish and wants me to be faithful but will not have sex with me or hug or kiss me without being asked. We are going through the motions but we are not in love anymore. I dont want to hurt my daughter by getting a divorce, but i need a new life. There is too much fun in the world to be had, all the while we are living with his mom, while he is jobless. I just want to disappear.

Dragonetta

I am so sick and tired of the advice being given to women whose husbands shut THEM down. Why should the woman try any harder than she's been trying if he's not gonna try at all? What is this shower him with praise crap? Praise should be earned. Men are obsessed with touching themselves to internet porn. Men, if you let them, can suck up all the air in the room so a woman can't breathe. LEAVE THESE GUYS!!! He's already left you in his heart or he'd be asking you what the problem is. He'd be concerned and coming to you to try to find a solution to your problems. HE DOESN'T CARE! WAKE UP!!!

Navjot

My in laws behavior with me was not good.Even that they kept me in their house as i was their servent. Their daughters also live with them and me and my elder sister in law had to do all household chores.And my mother in law and father in law did not gave me a permission to go out and work anywhere.But i was well educated.they even gave mentally torture me and my parents who are in India.two months before because of some reasons i called the police,picked up my stuff and left my home.Me and my husband still love each other.We always talk to each other on phone.I want to live with him and he too wants to live with me.The problem is that he has no guts and he can't say to his parents that we want to live together and his parents already said him that if he will leave a house he can't come back even when they(his parents)will die.But my husband is my life.I will die without him.I m living with someone knowing me.But i can't stay with them forever.I am alone in this country.please help me to solve out this problem.I am in so much stress this time.I don't want to lose my husband.Please do something.I want him back within a weak.I will be very thankful to you.

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Navjot, You and your husband have the same problem - falsely believing you can't live without someone else (you of your husband) or if someone else rejects you (him of his parents). Until you both chose to live for yourself rather than for someone else, nothing is going to change. -Kurt

LeOnna

Me and my husband are going on 6 years of marriage. It has certainly been hell more than I can even begin to explain. There is name calling, used to be physical, and now we have two kids. I have cheated on him and he took me back, but now he says that i need to make all the effort because I am the one that hurt him. I always accuse huim of cheating on me and when he works 17 hour days I accuse him non stop and blow his phone up. I have bad depression and Grave's disease, and I am as insecure about how I look as a person could get. he says he loves me more than anything and doesn't want anyone else, but I just don't know how ot trust him :-( I want my marriage to work and I want him to be in love with me again but I just am afraid of losing him or finding out that he is cheating on me to get me back. I know it sounds childish and I know I messed up, but I really want to save my marriage and make things work. Any tips?

Cara

Any tips on how to find a free counselor? I've been a stay at home mom for the last 5 years. I have no idea how I'm going to raise three kids by myself let alone pay for a counselor.

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Cara, Do a Google search for "free" or "low cost" counseling in your area. -Kurt

Dr Jean Owen

I find your advice condescending, woman-blaming and weak. Each person in the couple should review her or his behaviour accordingly, surely. Why have you put all responsibility on the woman's shoulders, especially when she is not responsible for how her husband responds to her behaviour? I particularly find your comments on why husbands stray archaic and provincial.

Sam

I've been married two years now and our relationship just don't feel like a marriage. He tells me he loves me but he stays out all night, hides his cell and tells me I am the one cheating. I feel lonely and feel like we are roommates we have sex about twice a month and its not long. What should I do?

Nmc

I recently got married (4 1/2 mth) and then i found out that I'm pregnant with our first born and since then my husband has been treating me like I'm just a stranger or casual friend. He recently came out and told me that he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't knw why. I feel devastated and I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid and it's hard to tell anyone what's going on with me. It's so embarrassing.

D.R.A.

I need a counsellor, I need myself back.....

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Sam, Talk to a professional counselor to learn how to change your marriage. -Kurt

Sharyn

Kurt, what a ridiculous article followed up with assinine advice! Read these women's stories carefully. They have given their all, they have lost themselves, they are feeling miserable and wretched at the hands of their husbands and partners. Shame on you for suggesting all their problems will go away if they would only praise their man! Have you let go of your mother's skirt yet?

DM

I have been married for 5 years, my parents and friends didnt want me to get marry to him cuz he doesnt have a diploma. and now I feel that he has no more love to give me, he only wants sex. I feel like I regret why i didnt listen to my parents.I need love that's all I want, when I ask him that I need love, his answer is what do you mean by love? what you want me to do?. I am unhappy. when he sleeps beside me I feel missing him.

viana

i'm writing this hoping someone could help me. this is going to sound too long therefore i apologize at the very beginning for the same.

my husband and i met as friends (in 2006)and remained the same for some years. when i met him i was actually engaged to someone else (i know him from my pre-school)and he was single(my husband as my friend). later he to found some one to love and we both were ok with it as we actually considered ourselves to be as best friends. we hardly met but we always used to talk over the phone for hours and hours and he was really a good friend to me.

later we called off our friendship as the girl whom he was dating did not like it and me being another girl i totally understood her situation even though i was really heartbroken as a good friend to loose him. later i got to know that he had relocated to the middle east for employment purposes and that he had broken up with the girl whom he was dating. she had actually cheated on him(i knew who she was from the very beginning but never wanted to warn my friend as he could have thought that im lieing and actually trying to break off them) while i know he too cheated on her too. but i know one thing for sure, he really begged for her, he really tried so much with her too!

later the guy whom i was engaged to cheated me big time with money and other woman so i called it off legally. (both the above mentioned and this happened simultaneously - sort of but my self and my best friend was hardly ever in contact)then after sometime this guy who was ones my best friend came along out of the blue and asked me out (in 2010). i wasn't quite sure what to do as the man whom i've known for my entire life had cheated on me and on top of everything he is a muslim and im a buddhist. and where we come from religion does matter "BIG TIME"! i told him that after he had left i had missed him dearly and cried so much thinking of him then he promised that he would never ever make me cry and he would take care of me like a jewel. then i told him what happened with my previous relationship how he had cheated me and i sincerely requested him not to do any such thing to me as it would be really unbearable.

By this time i also had two offers in my hand by two air line companies which one in my own country and one from where he is currently located. i have worked so hard to get this job for many years,had traveled to so many places, and when i finally had the flying job in my hand i had an option between my love and my dream job. the flying job back home offered high benefits with a good package and on top of everything i got to spend time with my mom while the ground job in the middle east had lower pay and low benefits but it actually made me be close to the man i love.

he said since he is also there to take up the ground job and for all the love and trust i kept on him i never hesitated twice in doing so no matter how hard i have worked on getting the flying hostess job.

as i moved in to the middle east, we did not live together but sure did had sex. and it was great. sometimes it was 3-4 times a day. and it felt amazing. i trusted him so much and i always treated him as my husband. things were going on quite well between us and all of a sudden he decided that he needs to leave me and we need a break. then he tells me stories on how good i am, how better i deserve and how i could enjoy my life better with another man. bottom line he needed to stop the relationship. the reason he gave me was that one of his friends back home had checked his stars for him(horoscope - this was my idea at the very`st place actually)and it said that he would die young.therefore when that happens as we are from two religions and as im not willing to convert too(nor i ever had told him to come in to my religion) i will be left all alone and he does not like that happening to me. i tried so hard to protect the relationship, there had been many times i have cried on my knees asking him not to leave me, totally begging for him and his love and each time he just did not care. sometimes there had been days which he took me to his apartment and we had sex. even though my mind told me many times he is just using me my heart never wanted to accept and see it as the truth. i told to my self "if this is the only way he desires me,fine then i'd be there atleast to satisfy his needs like that", for it was really hard for me to actually spend one day without even seeing him. while all this was happening i became terribly sick with a stomach ache and continues diarrhea for months with vomiting sometimes. ran after many doctors all of them could not really find a solution but would give me tons and tons of medicine. most of the days i was down with fever and the only thing i was concerned and scared was weather or not he would leave me. i could not really find where i went wrong coz i really loved him truly and not even in my dreams i had wished for another man. i would do almost anything he asks me to do. i cook for him even though i dont live together with him. put them in boxes, take him to the beach, sit with him and feed him. when nothing seem to go right i called his parents and told them that we are dating and we had sex. they did not care as im not from their religion and the mother actually cursed me and swore that she will never let her son get married to me. then i spoke to his dad and here he says that they have already found a girl for him with his approval and they are getting ready for the marriage. i was in total shock i did not know what to do. i told his dad of all what i told his mom and finally i said "uncle, you too got a daughter of ur own, please think weather you'd like to see the same thing happening to her". knowing all this, i still longed for him i still loved him like before. many days i have just sat there in my room and cried cried cried trying to find out as to why he did this to me.

my sicknesses got worse and my employer terminated me and i had to go back home. there had been times which he had asked me to get married to another man but have a secret relationship with him. it really hit me so i asked him in return, "What if you were that man, that i'm married to? would you like to be cheated like that? and so may other pointless stories, so much hurt and pain within me but i still continued to love this man only more. often i asked my self what is so special about him but i was clueless. he cried the night i left the airport. but i really have no clue weather he needs me really or not.

after i returned home, my sickness went away just like that, even without medicine and my grandparents had looked for a proposal for me from london, a very kind and rich guy but a bit elder to me. he is also related to me.but i said no coz i knew in my head and heart i really had one man. and not even in my dreams i could step in to bed with another man but the man i love.sometimes later he(the proposal) came down and they(my grandmom and his family) pushed me to give it a try. i did try to talk with the new man, but i failed so i told off his mom in a really nice way that i am actually having someone else in my mind. she is a nice and kind lady and i could not at all cheat her or her family.she cried that day and it hurt me so bad coz i like her like i like my mom and it tore me inside.

my mom by then knew all about the relationship i had with this man but non of them ever knew the problems i had nor that we are not in contacts like the old days. as time passed by things got a bit better and the relationship was back on track. he came down from the M.E. for his annual vacation and we registered our marriage. my mom knew about it but not his parents. i was 22 when i got married and he was 27.(2011)

as we went on in our honeymoon i really could not spend it like we used to and i know i could not satisfy him as he wanted me to. the point that we are married and what mess his parents and family could create next bothered me big time and it actually started me to have my periods in the middle of the honeymoon(out of the normal dates.) and 50%of the honeymoon was wasted and for the rest i hardly had sexual feelings in me.

by then i was working as an executive secretary in a very good company with a very good package, but he said that he needs me back in where he is and now that we are married we could live together. he left back to M.E. and i went home and on Jan 1st 2012, i got to know that he has actually been dating another woman at my back for all that time while i was with him in the M.E and he never told me about this. this was actually the girl which the parents had proposed to her. in the beginning he refused to accept it but later did and told me that he lied to me because he did not wanted to loose me or hurt me.

i felt the history repeating in front of my eyes and i was left in the same place where i was once, in my past.all alone! i had no one to tell so i ate up my sorrow all by my self.

i left to M.E. again as his wife and we started living together. so many times his family created a lot of problems between us but he was never bothered in opening up his mouth against them. and there was this one time he accused me of sleeping with the men working on the top floor while he was out at office which is a total lie. crossed my limits and i tore all the cards i had given to him so far and destroyed all the other things i had given to him. he hit me and held me with the neck and then i dont know y he hit the glass cupboard next to him and cut his hand terribly. blood was all over the kitchen but i really did not care for i had reached my limits with him. later he asked for help and to see the wound it was a huge cut with some other minor cuts on his right hand and he needed a doctor but we cannot go to one as this is self harm and we feared that he might need a police report. so i home treated him, i fed him, bath him, dressed him and did everything to him till his hand had recovered and he hit back to work. i felt as if it was not "happening" between us any more. sex was just 2-3 a week. but he actually had realized certain things and started treating me with more care and respect.

where his parents and siblings are concerned, they never calls him or the least send him a message on facebook (which is free) to check weather he is doing alright. they only drop calls him. and then he calls them back. it is quite expensive to call them from here but he does not mind. assuming they need something from him then they are right behind him like cats begging for food. once they have got what they wanted they again go to their numb modes. but when ever they calls they only poison his head and most often there is a fight.

i do not know weather im an un-attractive person but i think im ok as a woman coz i have seen men staring at me manytimes, even the arabs with the thobe. but i deff knew that my man did not see the same what they saw in me. i do not wear the abaya and i must say my man does give me the freadom to wear what i need up to some extend even though he is a muslim. and where his rituals are concerned, i always support him and vise-versa.

time went by and my duration of visa was coming to and end and i went back home. by then the problems between us came up again. by then things were so worse that we actually decided to go for a divorce.

i called up his dad to say that we are married and he is trying to convert me and showing me the plight of his religion. he is telling me that he cannot accept me as a daughter in law as its a shame for them so there for i must convert. he also claims that our marriage is not valid and indirectly calling me a prostitute. we exchanged quite a few number of phone calls and when they saw that i am not willing to convert they actually used his sister to call me and the same thing happened. i am a person who loves my freedom and im not willing to sacrifice the only thing i have in me for this marriage. later i got to know on how his parents and siblings had lied to him and told him stories of what i never even intended to tell and there for to stop any more damage to my marriage i asked my husband not to talk to them. he refused and therefore i told his parents and siblings, they too refuse and tell me that they have no business with me. all what they are concerned is the brother.(my husband)when all this was happening i was really offended and even when his younger brother was insulting me and scolding me my husband never took any measurement to stop or to prevent it. instead he was in their side leaving me all alone and he told me to back off i mean nothing to him and that his parents and sibling are his own blood. so many heart breaking things took place and i suffered to my maximum. when we were in two different countries the time difference in 2.5 hours where im in front and i never have my meals without him. eventhough he is not with me i wait till he comes home and we have the meals together and talks to him over the phone till he falls asleep. often he had treated me really bad and always talks of the money he had spent on me, he calls the honeymoon a total waste of money. he always seem to talk of all the money he had spent on me and how he could have got the service of another woman if he had the same money. he never talks about all the chances i have missed in many countries for this marriage or any other sacrifice i have made for this marriage. he often used to call me a psycho pathetic b***c. as i always long for him only him like a dog begging for love i keep going behind him and i have lost all contacts with my friends and some has given up on me for being married to a muslim. and a bell rings in my head saying "this is what you get for loving him this much"

it was the 1st wedding anniversary and for better or worse my mom suggested that i consult this lady who is a sort of an astrologer. i went there and just looking at my face she went on telling all about my history with him and other things just like she had knew me from the begining. she also meneiond to me on how his mother cursed me and swore that she will never let him get married to me.and she also mentioned to me about my wedding anniversary too. all this was shocking and she was so convincing and on top of all that she also told me that the mother had done some black magic to separate us and i had enough proof to believe her.

his parents and siblings always treated me like a piece of SH** and stil is the same. and my husband never opens up his mouth to say shut up or to admit that they are wrong. and im married to the elsest of the family and his youngest brother too shouts at me and even still he keeps quite.

there was this one time i told him "your younger brother is only shouting at me today and you havent got the B**ls to stop him but there will be a day which he will be talking in the same manner to you. he just smiled and me and said then i know what to do. as time passed by and the parents and siblings only seem to trouble us (he too might have realized the same even though he did not really do anything about it) he started ignoring them and not replying their messages and calls. this made his younger brother so mas he sent him a message scolding him and it really hit my husband. what i predicted had come true and e shouted at him over the line for sending him such a thing but never mentioned how wrong he was to have shouted at his own elder brothers wife.

where the sex is concerned, i feel as if i have no drive at all and sex happens like 4 times a month or so. i know he is suffering from premature ejaculation therefore i consulted this doctor but he is not willing to go. and as of today we have been married for 1.4years and i dont see any spark between us any more. how ever the problems are really less compared to what it was before but it had not gone away..

and very recenly too he hit me. i broke three nails in my hand and was bleeding. that day he told me that he will no longer bring me food and to find it on my own. all in all im thinking "is this my karma?" "Do i deserve this?" but i dont have any answer. i still love him but im not sure weather i do like i did before. if there is a divorce i wounnt mind even taking that chance now. i have noticed that even if i walk naked accross the house he does not notice and he really do not care. im not fat. i'm withing my hight and weight. and i believe i have a good body. but i remember he had told me once he wish if my boobs were bigger and i have got him caught staring at other women. sometimes while even being with me.

right now im unemployed but there is a job offer in my hand. a very good job with high pay and benefits. but for that to work out my husband must work on my visa as currently im under his sponsorship. now that he is not talking to his siblings or parents after the last argument he fears to sends me home too as he knows no one would take care of him like i do. but he is not taking good care of me too. the only free days he gets is thursday half day and friday full day. thursday after coming home i feed him and then he goes to sleep. i dont tell him anything as he is human and he too needs a rest. friday we wake up late and if he's got time he runs to the mosque if not no. then he comes back and goes to play cricket. then he comes home at about 6pm all tired. he hardly has any time to take me out. or the least to ask how im doing or how im feeling.

when it comes to my husband, he spends but he keeps a track and throws back the price on my face at an arguement. where im the idiot i trusted him so much i spent all i had on us but never kept a track. now we have come to an agreement that once after i start working i will pay him off 1,000,000.00 (in my home currency)for all what he has spent on me. and he too likes the plan. i really have no idea weather or not he has another relationship. but i believe one can cheat once they can cheat always. so i try to keep my eyes open even-though he claims that he does not have such a thing.

all this years i have never influenced him to convert in to my religion nor mom my had (my dad is dead) and where my siblings are concrernd, they dont know that im married still. just like all the other girls i too longed to have a wedding, but i know it would just be another dream. he is not bothered at all!

for last valentines or for the 1st wedding anniversary i never got a card.i see my self as a person who goes in to every little detail piece when it comes to a relationship. i always wants it so perfect and i'd do anything for it. this valentines i made him a surprise cake and he really enjoyed it. he actually gave me two cards-one for this year and one for last year. sometimes he is in sometimes he is out. i really dont understand his behavior.

he got this indian friend who is working with him. they are very close and often he goes to drop his wife to work and to pick her and drop her back at home. my husband claims that he goes with his friend but i really have no idea. he also talks to him in this funny way (tone) like a guy talking to a girl so i have got no clue weather he has actually become gay or what.

all in all i have realized one point that i have become a total looser and he is too bored to spend time with me. that is why he does not take me out any more or so any thing nice. he is not wiling to see a doctor or any other party. he gets really annoyed and threatens to me not to tell any of our problems to any or or he will put me out of the house. can any one please tell me what to do? im 24 years right now and im totally lost!! feels as if life has eneded even before it had started. i cannot go back home as my mom is sick and she has no financial method of taking care of me. right now i dont have a single cent to call mine and all what im spending and dressed in is his money.

my world is shattered and i feel like taking a knife and slicing my own body while im still alive for being this stupid with a man. i need to leave him as much as i love him coz i know its not happening between us any more. my previous man needs me back and tells me stories of how he repents for cheating me and blah blah blah. but i have no intention in living with either one of them now. i see my efforts are no more appreciated. i have tried talking to him. just last night i happen to cry as i explained. but its no use. i cannot be crying or suffereing like this any more! not at all. its time that i too start living my life!

sometimes i feel as if im held hostage by my husband. he never does any house work as he has got no time. he does not send me home nor the least bothered in sorting out out my visa to get the job.

but if any of his family members or his friend wanted something he would act promptly and make it happen.

pleas done judge me people, there is much more to say. this is my 1st time to actually come out clean. someone please tell me what to do! i love him still, but i need to leave as i think im done!!

regan

Yes poor dumb girls need big man to marry her, all have to do is praise them worship them and will get hard time screwed (over). A professional really? Don't mix love and sex. Want an erection stroke a man between hus thighs not his already bloated ego. Speaking of which I wonder if my brother dresses like a girl at night now to give dad his fake cookie wife. My dad isn't getting me.

Thomas Mc Enery

Come on ladies , be honest with yourselves : Do you enjoy being treated badly ??

Betty

Fedup, My story is just like yours; the only think different is that at the end he cheated on me, and I caught him; He did not have the guts to call me or explain anything. He did not want to hurt me, and finish the relationship, so he went ahead a cheated...At least yours did not break your heart as much as mine did...Big hug! take care. move on, that's what I am trying to do...I am doing better; He does not deserves me,not even my thoughts...this taught me that next time, I will no allow nothing below my expectations, and that certainly I am better by myself than with someone that can't see all my love, and care for him...good luck, I hope you are doing better too!

Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Heather, Please be specific about what you need help with either on this post or send us a message through the contact link at the bottom of this page. -Kurt

Idrissa Turner

I just got married in march and my husband has changed from the time he has said "I do." I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't touch me and he always has a attitude about every thing. He doesn't talk to me and he has told me that I was becoming clingy. I have backed off to give him space but he doesn't seem to see that. I am so lonely and I am afraid that He has either found someone else, or he will just leave or give up all together.

April

I have been married for 14 years, we have four young kids. Mu want to leave him,but I can't because of the kids. We both live away from our own families, so we have no support here. I can't handle the silent treatment. He is so nasty, mean towards me. Everything is my fault for so e reason, whenever I want to talk about something, he walms away, and never has time. I went to a counsellor for few sessions and asked him to come along, he kept saying that he doesn't have a problem, But I did so I should see the counselor. Iam so angry, so upset, just so lonely and frustrated with life...bot su what to do

Erica

My now ex-husband and I were married for 4 years. He had a drug addiction, he was abusive mentally, and he stole alot of money from me. We have one child together, but I have 3 from a previous relationship.He is a serious momma's boy. His mother always talked against our marriage and so did everyone else.I am to old for him (almost ten years) they told him he didn't need to be with me, he will never be able to have anything with me, and those aren't his kids etc.He went to a drug treatment program and is getting clean he says he wants to be with me but only on his terms. He wants me to be with him sexually but doesn't want a commitment, also wants me to take him off of child support because that would be to much pressure for him. He cares about my other three children but doesn't think he can handle being a father to them, their father isn't in the picture. I care about him but my senses are screaming to walk away, but for some reason I love him. I have always been supportive and the majority of the time respectful,but i just feel like I am getting played.

Alabama

My husband and I have recently separated. At first I believed this would give us a break from the fighting and allow each other to realize our mistakes in order to move forward. There is a serious mistrust we both have and since the separation have not discussed our problems. We have a lot going against us, we married very young, and had a child young as well. I am not hopeful that he still loves me. Because we haven't made any progress, I feel like the separation was not a good idea, I told him that I loved him, apologized for my mistakes, and that I thought it would be better for us to talk it out instead. He disregarded my suggestion and although I respected his decision, because I want him to be happy, and have been trying to treat him well, because he is a good person and I love him, I feel nothing in return. He has said that he still loves me, and I want to believe it but I don't feel it, he is very cold towards me. Should I continue to try or should i let him go, if I think he doesn't love me anymore?

The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after the attraction fades, and wondering where the love went.

It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that fades over time, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things. For the man:

1. To accept everything that he knows and does not know about her now. 2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as they both age - for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as they shall live. Even if she is later disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, he promises now to accept her. 3. To forgive her later. Since neither of them is perfect, they depend on each others' forgiveness. 4. To encourage her passions and encourage improvement in areas of weaknesses. This provides purpose for the marriage, otherwise she can quickly get bored with the routine.

If they are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then they are ready to love. When they keep them, they demonstrate their love for each-other. After they formally make their promises at their wedding, they complete or consummate their promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that they subsequently have sexual intercourse, they reinforce their promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying mental, physical, emotional and spiritual experience.

The problem is that if they have sexual intercourse before making their promises, then he shows her that he is capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger and shapelier rival when she get older. If he is able to restrain himself when his attraction for her is at its highest, then he shows her that he is capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

My experience is that most couples do not reach the love stage. They seem to simply ride the wave of emotional attraction until it is exhausted. Fortunately, most marriages can be improved almost immediately if both of them choose to love. Share the source link with him and discuss the concept of love.

Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College – 15 years of pre-marital counselling with no separations or divorces to-date. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com)

Megan

Hi Kurt. I think your 5 steps are totally correct, though I sometimes have difficulties putting them into action. I have been married for a little over a year. It was basically an arranged marriage, even though we both chooser each other. It started off awful, if won't even get into details but we worked past it. Sine issues remain such as him working to much but new ones have arisen. We used to have sex twice a day, now twice a week. He comes home and suss inverting of the TV or takes a bath, I have to beg for him to spend some time interacting with me. As it is I see him for about 3 hours a day. He works 7 says a week and wherever we fight he promises to change his behavior as well as work habits but never does. I know expectations are wrong but I am only 20, and thought I would may a man who adored me. I do everything I can to help the marriage, I *always* dress beautiifully nd wear langire to bed every night. I try to be respectfull but when he upsets me its hard. I try not to bug him, I do everything for him. I'm what most people would consider a perfect little housewife! I have my issues.. but regardless I want to be with someone who shows his love often. Makes me feel special. And even though. My husband isn't terrible.. I often think I should leave now while I'm young if iwant to find a man who what I would consider "truly loves me". Even though I know my husband loves me, atleast to some extent. I can talk. To him but things will only change for a few days. We also have a 5mnth old. Any advice? Thanks!

Kim

I have been married for 15 years, together for 22. Have always been best friends up until the last few months. Husband started staying out "with the guys" at the bar more and more, later and later. Try to talk to him and he's distant, he is really good at telling me what I want to hear..I love you, I'll try harder, etc. but nothing was changing. Gut said something was wrong so unfortunately, I made the choice to search phone records only to find some type of relationship with my step sister. Confronted, he says they only talk, she's easy to talk to. I don't know what to think. But now, he still tells me what I want to hear, he wants us to work out, he loves me but he is out later than ever. Coming home no earlier than 11:00pm every night. I want to work it out so badly but can't do it alone. He doesn't want to be around me at all, anywhere. Says he hates being at home. So hurt and confused don't know what else I'm supposed to do now.

Amy

Married 46+ years and my husband and I had sex with me once and afterward he told me he hated it to the point of puking. He wanted nothing more to do with it. He hasn't touched me, talked to me or even recognized me as being around. He has lived in the basement where he set up house keeping, eats and sleeps.Also he worked midnights for over 40 years, all weekends, holidays, and gave up all his vacations. He completely ignores me! I'm in my mid 60s now and don't care any more about him, sex, or anything. After being ignored for so long the hurt goes away, but hate steps in. I distrust all men better yet I hate all men. I'm still depressed and rely on pills.

ANgie

My husband for twenty years he has been telling me for years he does not love me we have childern my youngest is 15 now he quit having sex with me last August just quit one day he also has a secret facebook account he spends all his time on computer he left four months ago for a contract job he came back to vist before he left last week he lied to me and was here a day earlier he met with my two boys and told them not to tell me I was really hurt I still love him he is my whole world I asked him if we could work it out when he gets back he said I will have to wait and see he then texted my son to give him ride to airport and told my kids that I am unstable I wish he wanted to spend a little time with me before he left

Jennifer Calicdan

Hi my name is Jennifer and I have been married for over 2 and a half years. We have a soon who is about to turn 2 years old. My husband had been lying to me from the beginning of our relationship and I've asked him to change and he promised to do so. He said he would try. We have had many problems with him talking to his exes and lying to me about what he did, where be is, who he speaks to, everything. It is hard to deal with and yet I'm the one still trying to make it work. He would sometimes say that he doesn't want to be in this relationship because he's tired of it. He asks me why I stay with him if we have all these problems. He asks me stuff to try to make me leave so he doesn't feel guilty. He made a profile online that I didn't know about and had to find out myself that he was talking to his female classmates and texting them. He would meet up with them and have lunch and lie to me about what he was doing. I found out about him going to the gym meeting up with a female for months and they had a relationship. A female at his school, he was trying to move in with her. It's just crazy because I'm hurting. I've cried many times because I don't know what I did wrong. He had never comforted me. I had to ask him to show me compassion, love, tell me he loves me, compliment me, or to just be completely honest. It seems hard for him to do. He did all this for his exes. He claims that I'm the best looking female me had and that he hasn't done stuff for them than he did for me. He said that he actually cared and wanted to be with me but they got better treatment. Be actually complimented them without them having to ask. He had sex with them everyday almost more than once a day but he seems to not have that same passion with me. He seemed to be very interested with them and they got tested like queens. I'm just here for nothing, I feel. It's just crazy because I just want to be loved. Recently he said that he just wanted to be friends and just give him time. The last time we were just friends he had sex with another female and we were married. I want to know what to do because I feel lost and it's just breaking me down. I have dealt with all this but don't want to lose him and I'm not sure how to deal with this. He just said that he's not going to change his decision for us being friends and it's killing me. He won't even consider just giving us a chance after all the stuff I've put up with him. I really need help. Please I'm so lost and hurt. I don't talk to anyone or have friends and my family is not too supportive. I just need to talk people who have been through the same situation as me because I feel alone. I feel like it's hopeless to even try to be in this relationship. He doesn't seem to want to try or consider showing me that I'm the only female I'm his life and to make me feel special. I wanted what he gave to his exes because till this day they are telling him that they live him. They are constantly emailing him and more I'm not sure if he's trying to rekindle their relationship. I really need help. I'm not sure how to deal with it because he's constantly denying to make us work or try to keep our family together. It's as if he had other plans but I'm in the way. He's just hurt me do much but I can't let him go because I love him so much. I can try to kiss or touch him but he just denied me. He just compliments our has sex with me or talks to me when he feels like I'm worth the time. Even he talks to me it's just to ask what I want to eat. That's it. Nothing more. I've done everything I feel that can try to make this relationship work but he didn't see that. He still just wants us to be friends. It's just interesting how he can't even consider making it work after the time I have wasted with him. He would get drunk and when we would be at his friend house he would deny me and be ask over his wife. He would push me off or not be around me. He would just do so much to me and it's just crazy because he doesn't feel guilty about what he had done and is still doing to me. I'm hurting and feel so broken. Please help me. He even said he wants a divorce because nothing we do will fix this problem. He just seems to not want this at all. What do I do? It's hard for me to move on.

Jean in the valley

@All females, women and girls, please read this comment, carefully. Stand up females and hold yourselves, hold your heads up. Do not be deceived by the not so good forces and man-made doctrines that try to separate us from the love of God, and do not be discouraged. Know ye that the Lord, He is God. It is He that hath made us and not we ourselves. Wives, you need to know that in marriage, it is not the wife's job to save the marriage, no matter how rude and cold your husband behaves. The human male is not God. Male writers and female writers are not God either and they should not be scolding or lecturing wives to change themselves for their husbands, unless they also tell husbands to change for their wives. Dont tell wives to praise their husband unless they also tell the husbands to praise their wives. You are not to worship or praise Your husbands. You are to worship and praise God. The husband and wife have roles. Read all of Ephesians, and not just the part that men beat women over the head with about submission and respect. You all know that isnot right! Read all of Ephesians. Yes, you are to treat your husband as you would any other human, and that is with love, respect, and kindness. But females, Your husbands are to treat you the wife, with the same love respect and kindness. So females, we have got to stand together as a gender and stop this war on wives, on women. We must not accept, nor allow men and any others, to write articles telling wives to save the marriage. This is wrong on so many levels.

Tara

I know my husband loves me, but is he IN love with me? I honestly do not know. We have been married nearly 11 years now and known each other for nearly 12. Our first two years of being together were fun, exciting and we were so in love. It was a first for me. My issue is with his mental and psychological behaviors ever since his mother died five years ago suddenly. He has NO clue how to manage money, he steals and pawns or sells his own child's toys and often took her money from her piggy bank. My parents now have it in their home. He has attempted to sell my jewelry and sold my grandmother's ring when i put it away for safe keeping while I saved to have the diamond replaced. He has sold numerous movies, games, computers etc. Its to the point where I often count things to see that they are there and I hide money. His own spending is horrible. My car is nearly empty while he pawned my daughter's Nintendo DSi to put gas in his own. He buys her toys and junk before paying bills...its like living with another child. I love him so much and constantly give him so many chances. I try to begin trusting him again and then he gives me yet another reason to distrust. Recently he became addicted to pain killers and was stealing mine I temporarily had for a back problem and was buying off a so called friend I totally threatened. He claims hes not taking anymore but as I said trust is a major issue with us. He has depression and severe anxiety and a heart issue. He seems not to care but never misses his medications which I do praise him for. I worry most about my daughter who sees us fight and is the one hurt the most in our situation. My parents and family think I should leave him. I believe even though hes gotten some counseling he needs more extensive but I dont know the type he needs. We only have medical assistance since he is working part time and I am trying to fix all the bs he has caused over the years financially. He has 10,000 out in personal and payday loans alone he had done without me knowing. We cant put a car solely in his name ever again. So...my question is is this marriage hopeless? Is there some place he can go to get intensive help? He tells people what they want to hear. He's become a distrustful pathological liar and it scares me. What kind of help can he get to deal with his demons?

LostAngel

Hi Kurt I am a lost angel. Me & my husband fell in love through Fb.He came down to meet me in our country just a day before my birthday It all was like a fairy tale & after a month or so we got married.Though he was living in a neighbourhood country yet we both belong to a same country and community.We were so much in love.Happily married.Now come's the turning point his step mother and dad later started having issues with him and being his wife I didnt liked it and sometimes yes there were some arguments too.Since our marriage me and my husband we were staying in my parents house.His parents sometimes only called him. After staying with my husband for 16months I got a visa to a beautiful foreign land so I came down in our mutual understanding.He was suppose to join me after 6 to 8 months But, he started changing.His step mum continued calling him & me and my husband had a fight over it.Point is my husband went to some other country before that he reunited with his family and didnt told me anything about where he was going to or had applied for.Now here I am alone sad waiting for him to be back and get together.But for 8months theres no contact for him?Ive lost my hope but still wish him to come back and save our relationship.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

LostAngel, That's a really long time not to hear from him. Sounds like he may not be coming back. Perhaps you need to begin to learn how you'll live without him. Get some guidance from a professional counselor on how to make this transition. -Kurt

TiffanyKto

My husband stopped doing all the basics after we actually married. Maybe he felt like he didn't have to be the guy I thought he was since he reeled me in. I just want him to see my point of view with things, love me enough to listen, make me feel like what I do at home (I am a stay at home mother)is an effort into making our house a home...I want him to adore me more than just a quick sexual encounter. I want what matters to me, matters to him. As soon as the "I do's" happened, it feels like what I received was the, "I don't" I love him, I support him, I tend to him when he is sick, I brag about him to everyone, I tell him I love him and I would do anything for him I knew that would make him happy... why does he feel like I don't deserve the same love and respect?

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Tiffany, Very good question, and tough one to answer without speaking to him. -Kurt

me

Wow its 802 am and im trying to find a way to get to sleep my husband and i have been married for 2 yrs in nov. He was secrectly dealing with a child custudy issue and was mad with me for what we have been at it for the last month and he even said he might leave oneday ive not done anything to him for him to say that i stay at home no kids trying to concieve but havent been sucessful yet he is despirate for a child with me but he works 7 days a week 10 hr days and he comes home takes a nap for 1then returns to his friends he also started a hobby of goinh to the studio and coming home 30 mins beforr he has to go to work. He always seems to have a attitude i know he not cheating hes not very sexual n he thhinks i shld have sex wit him wen he comes home i love him so much but it hurts me that we are in this place not because of something o did or he did but because his childs mother wants him to sign over his rights to this child that he never see or talks to.......... i dont want him to cheat this is the first time in 3 yrs that ive turned him down he has women always trying to talk to him HELP.

shawn

been married for 15 years, then wife got a new job which involves some travel. however she refuses to let me alone or with kids join when they are away for 5-7 days at a resort. She says none of her work collegues do it and it makes here feel weird. So I booked a trip for me and the kids alone now she says I am mean for not including her! Even when I suggested I join her on the last weekend of her trip to a sunny coatal city she refused. Am I wrong?

JJones

3 years ago, my husband of then 17 years said he wasn't in love with me any more. I was stunned. He claimed he couldn't understand how I could not see it. He told me nothing up to that point. We went to counseling seperwtely, but still I wondered. Sure enough we are back in that place again. I get upset because of what I feel is lack of consideration and he thinks I disrespect him when I lose my cool in frustration. It is a vicious circle. We are going to go back to ou counseling both together and separately I think. I don't know how to act or be around him. Is it wrong to expect communication when your information and others say it is not typical? I feel like a mind reader..... Can he love me again? Is that possible?

Trish

Ok I have done all that you advised and it helped for the first couple of months but now yet again he is threatning me with divorce because I bought our kids clothes without him, I asked him for counseling but he doesn't believe in it. I can tell you I have done everything you advised and I am not begging him to stay this time like I have in the past ( we are married over 10 years and he has said he will divorce me at least 30 times and everytime I begged him to stay with me promising to change which I have even he admits that) I do not think there is anything I can do anymore. I do not know what else to do!

shawn

I have identified that I am hurting, but for now i still feel like I should go without her to make her feel as hurt as I did. I know I should not want revenge but now that I think about all the years we have been together, I always seem to be the last thing that matters to her. hurt and confused... still. Anyone else in this boat?

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Trish, You need to go to counseling without him. Don't give him the power to control changing the relationship by his refusal to go to counseling with you. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Eddie, These steps do work and are based on the success of the couples I've counseled. In a lot of situations though, the problems are much more complicated than these steps can resolve. They're meant to be a starting point, not a cure-all. -Kurt

Michelle

I've been married for almost five years to my high school sweetheart. We've been together for about nine. We got married at 22. Last year he cheated on me emotionally. He acted like the victim during the entire ordeal. When he calmed down he said he would try. At first it was hard but we finally seemed to be getting somewhere. He writes me a note apologizing about everything, saying I had his back at his weakest moment and that he took the time to realize that he felt empty inside for no reason at all, and had to see what was in front of him rather than living in a dream. THEN two weeks later I found out that his coworker was plaining a meet and greet with him and her God daughter. He was actually going to meet this chick. He said he thought she was cute and interesting and was just going to meet her and didnt know what the future held. WTH?! How does someone go from being sorry and realizing he messed up into doing the same thing again in two weeks?!????! He said he cared for me but wasnt in love with me anymore. He said he's confused about life and needs space. He also said that he thinks he needs to almost lose me to trigger a feeling again. I'm just so done. Just because things are going well for him and his career. He tanks his family. I don't get it. I dont know what to do.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Michelle, You both need help learning how to set boundaries in your marriage around contact with the opposite sex. He needs to learn how to set them and you need to learn how to hold him accountable to do so. Without these in place, you're going to repeatedly feel taken for granted and disrespected. -Kurt

Michlle

I feel like I hold him accountable. I talk to him and tell him how I feel about it. I just told him me and our child will be leaving soon to give him space. He just stop caring about anything.....especially our marriage. I don't know what else to do.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Michelle, How come you're leaving and not him? If he's the one with the problem, i.e. not in love with you, let him leave. Be careful not to unkowingly 'fix' this for him. Giving him space is a good idea, but he should be taking the action since it's his problem. -Kurt

I scheduled the counseling appointment without him you are absolutly right I cannot let him continue to dictate what I do with myself. I skipped counseling because he didn't approve of it but I refuse to continue to change myself so I don't upset him. Funny thing happened when I told him I was going to counseling and he asked why I said "because I have let my love for you become an excuse to not improve myself" then as if he got it all of a sudden he offered to go with me since this wasn't a me problem but an "us" problem. I don't know if this is going to work but I am thinking that this is at least a good sign for our co parenting in the future that he is now ready to through counseling and figuring out what is wrong in the relationship. I never thought that it was just him but I was going crazy trying everything and it still failing, now at least I can say we not me but we gave it everything we could to make this marriage work. I love him and don't want the only example our kids see of love to be that you give up when times are tough.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Trish, Good job on being willing to go without him. Now be sure to follow through and be prepared for him to change his tune about participating. So follow through no matter what and "improve yourself." You'll be a better person, mom and wife for it. -Kurt

monique

I've been married since February 14th 2013, I've been with him for 5 years yesterday August 15th. He recently left me because he found out I left with his sisters boyfriends brother to the park when he was passed out drunk. Nothing happened between us. I am very sorry for what I did but it was not intentional. I was a little tipsy but knew exactly what I was doing and it was an honest mistake. I wasn't thinking. My husband talked to the guy and the guy said I was flirting with him. But he didn't tell my husband what he said to me. I honestly don't feel as though I was flirting. He told me I was beautiful and he loves my personality and I'm Such a good person. Anyway I told my husband's sister about it and asked her if I should tell my husband. She said no, he will be upset so I didn't. I know i should of and know now to be open and honest with everything in our marriage. His sister was living with us and I kicked her out because she is just a mean person and talks about me behind my back and doesn't have any respect for me. She told her brother after I kicked her out what happened and he left me after talking to the guy. I do feel awful and I know it's my fault. I've been threw so much with my husband over these years being together. Right after we got married he was trying to be with another woman, he was drinking. He got a Dui. He drinks everyday and emotionally abuses me. I know what I did was wrong and I didn't do it as revenge it was not intentional at all. It was just spur of the moment kind of thing. I love my husband but don't feel he's loved me for quiet some time.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Monique, As you now know you've got to be smarter about who you share things with. If he drinks every day and emotionally abuses you maybe you should use his leaving as an opportunity to set some conditions on his behavior in order for him to be able to come back and be with you. You're deserve to be treated better, but you'll only get it if you expect it. -Kurt

Monique

My brothers wife is a psychologist and told me the same thing. I know that's what in need to do but don't know how to. I am learning how to be alone now and I use to beg him to come back but I'm not doing that this time. He's done this one 2 many times and it's so hurtful. It just makes it so much harder now that we are married. I want our marriage to work out, I really do. But he's telling me he wants a divorce but doesn't have time to file. I don't want to try and call and talk to him because all it does is hurt me. I'm seeking counseling now and I do hope to restore our marriage.

S

It breaks my heart to read these post...I sat here and read every single last one and cried my eyes out more because today my husband told me he doesnt love me anymore and has been emotionally detached from me for about two months now. We dated for two years then got married Oct 15 2013 and we have been on a roller coaster from the being. When we first met he didnt have a job and was staying at his mom house. At the time i had my own townhouse and car and job and was just looking for love. He expressed his goals and i expressed mines and also we are both gemini. After 3months of barly knowing him i let him move in with me. And from there we clicked and loved spending time with each other. I later found out he was still talking to other females that he said were just friends. I told him i didnt like that because of my previous relationship i went through the same exact thing and was not going for it. so he said ok and stopped...so i thought. I also later foundout of his mental conditions...hes biploar and has ADHD and doesnt take meds...he also suffered child molestation which i also did so that made our bond stronger. Hes also addicted to porn! He hates his mother because she put him in foster care so he has alot of hate towards women...but not me...at that point at least i thought? Well my family doesnt like him and really wished i never married him because he is loud and rude. Hes 23 and im 26 so recently he landed a job after 3 years and he is now the only one working to pay bills...i do work parttime and go to school... But for the past month he has not been spending time with me and staying out late..even missing work to hang out with his "friends" hes starting to hide his phone again so i asked is he talking to females again...and he gets all upset..which is not hard to do...and says hes grown he can have friends now all of a sudden... He use to text me and call me when at work and that completely stopped. but he talks to other ppl because the minutes be low on the phone..he works overnight so hes gone all day then come home about 30mins before its time to go to work then leave to go to work and come home after work at 7am...watch porn then go to sleep...wake up and leave the whole day again...not saying anything to me? and just been so angry. He say that i nagg and try to tell him what to do since im older...and now im suffocating him... Its like when he got a job it was like f*** me he can do what ever he wants now...its his money...and it hurts so bad...I did everything for him when he was down! and it didnt bother me either because i fell in love to quick... When trying to talk he always say dont question me or stop hounding me..when all i asked was how was your day? He kinda told me its someone else today but i burst out in tears and he said see thats why i cant talk to you and left. He said he hasnt had sex with anyone but is talking to other females for conversation. We use to have sex alll the time...but for the past month it has stopped. And now all of sudden he dooesnt want kids...its just heart breaking because that was my purpose of finding a husband...to start a family! I feel like hes trying to live out his youth now and everything was a lie to get out his mom house... I wait on him like cooking dinner cleaning...sometimes picking out his clothes bringing him something to drink..just anything like im a slave...i love him dearly and i know what hes been through but his nasty attitude and narcissistic ways are taking a toll on me...but the ball is in his court because i dont have anywhere else to go...i have a job interview tomorrow and hes upset because i want a job? so upset that he refuse to let me use our only car...which i paid for..to go...i had to ask someone to take me! he just wants me to stay home and be a house wife and go to school... We have the same interest, personality and a good friendship and i love this man so much Is it to late...has he made up his mind? or is this a stage?

Dvllln

Ive been with my girlfriend for 13 years, have 3 kids and unfortunately unhappy. I try so hard to make her happy, put all my effort towards us to no change. She doesnt seem to want to change, she says she loves me but doesnt show it, doesnt respect me and she always shows shes unhappy no matter what i do. I crave attention so bad, someone to show me they atleast care for me and it gets me so depressed. Shes selfish, always everything about her, doesnt care about what i want, i messed up cause i always gave her what she wanted, she cheated in the past and gets upset when i bring it up, ive been faithful since we got with each other. Need to know if its worth saving our relationship or if its time to move on. She looks like if shes not willing to change, ive asked her to but she never does. I must look like a total dumbass for everything ive put up with, but i have kids and didnt want it to affect them emotionally.

Courtney

I'm having some issues along the same lines of this thread. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant 3 weeks ago I came home from work one day and my husband told me he was leaving. He got in his car and drove to Los Angeles to follow his dreams of working in the film industry. After 2 weeks he came back. Upon his return I asked him where we stand. He said he cares about me but his heart just isn't in it anymore, but he came back because he wants to be here to be a father for the baby. I asked him if we could go to counseling to see if we could work on our marriage and try to make it work. He said he doesn't care enough to try to make it work. He is still living in the house with me and for the first two nights he was home he stayed in our bed, but the last two nights he stayed in the guest room and I don't know what prompted that. I want to make it work, but how do you make it work if the other person doesn't care enough to try. I've been trying to back off and give him his space. It's also hard because everything else seems so normal. We laugh and talk like we did before he left, so I don't know what to do. Any advice and help on the situation would be much appreciated. I'm kind of lost and don't know what to do. I want us to work. I want our baby to have a family. Thank you for your time

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

S, Hard to say if he's made up his mind or if this is just a stage. Even if he has made up his mind today, he could change it next week or month. Give him some time before you end the marriage, but in the meantime work on refusing to accept his controlling behavior. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Dvllln, Sometimes people won't change until they have no other choice but lose the life they have if they don't. Asking them to change can be a waste of time, so focus on making it impossible for her to be with you if she doesn't change. And stop accepting being treated less than the way you deserve. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Courtney, I think you're right to back off and give him space right now. You guys have a big life change happening in just a few weeks. I'd wait to get through that before pushing to fix the relationship any more. Some guys get nervous and uncertain about themselves and their lives when having a baby. Maybe this is part of what's going on for him. -Kurt

s

Your right...after my interview...which i got the job yay! He wanted to talk about whats going on. He said mentally he cant deal with me constantly in his space and it makes him feel less of a man...i understand the problem now because i can be a bit demanding went i want an answer and if he dont answer right away i keep picking and picking til he either gets mad or finally answer the question in a angry way... and he said thats whats driving him away so i guess its me? In that area. The money situation he said he feel like a man should pay the bills and have control of it and he just want the best for us so i can finish school. He also said he told me he dont want kids just to make me mad so i could.shut up. So its clear that we both get in our childish gemini ways to hurt or irrate each other. So we.agreed to settle our differences and work on our marriage. Now im getting ready to read the article y men watch porn lol.

Sylver

I have been married for almost 4 years and i have 1 daughter , my husband works in fields as an engineer and he is always away, we live in different cities ( long stories) anyways ! So i feel he just doesn't love me anymore , he appreciates and all but i just can't feel loved like before ! He gives me the brother treatment , no passion nothing , we are almost like soldiers, am stuck with my family so they can help me with my newborn and he is stuck in the field. He hates his job but there is nothing we can do about it ! It is not my fault he works there and i can't always live in his depression ! I don't want counceling, i already started chosing to feel cold towards him and imagine am without a husband and i hate that because i need a husband, yes i tried changing his mood , i even asked if he wants me to change something about myself ! Physical , moral ANYTHING , he is like ur fine ... How am i fine ! If he isn't interested in me at all !!! He is a really good person but this isn't the issue. I can't keep living like this because of his job. He comes every 7 days with the plane just to see me and his daughter but i don't feel anything towards him anymore , and its killing me that am starting to drift off ! I warned him 1000 times that we r having a problem but he just choses to brush it off because he is too busy with his work ! The last time he said , gather urself and pull urself together! Ok i won't be selfish although it is my right ! I will simply start brushing him off and just be FRIENDS ! ??am so depressed, i know he works to provide but it is not fair ! Trust me i tried everything ! I told him everything he says my job my job what can i do ! WHAT About me !

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Sylver, Sorry to hear how depressed and unloved you feel. Also sorry to hear that you don't want any counseling help. Most people who are stuck like you need professional guidance in order to change such a difficult situation. -Kurt

Crystal Clear

Dear Kirt,

Unfortunately, I am able to relate to many of the articles posted. I am currently a stay-at-home mom but not by choice. I have a pending felony case for Illegal Interception of Communications and awaiting trial. I am not guilty but I have to prove it first. Prior to this, I worked in the Legal field until I changed to Education. Initially, my husband was excited that I had a great paying career until he began to view it as "women with careers" no longer really "need" men. I educated myself (M.A.) while holding down a FT job and taking care of our family/home. He resents me now for not working because now I have become a burden to him. He is self-employed (by his choice) and feels that I am unsupportive of him. We have tried various Marriage counselors to no avail. He is now reluctant to seek any other help. A year ago he contemplated cheating on me up until I discovered his dishonesty. At the time, he expressed wanting a divorce. I pleaded with him to reconsider. Fast forward a year later, he told me last night that he is unhappy. He doesn't know how much longer he is going to stay. He claimed that I am unattractive to him now because it appears to him that I have given up on myself. I don't see it. I feel like my hands are tied as far as my profession is concerned, at least until my trial subsides. It could take as long as 2 more years. I feel defeated. Not sure what to do. I am spiritually broken.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Crystal, Very sorry to hear of your circumstances. What you need to do is take care of yourself. If that means with counseling, then go without him. If that means feeding your spirit by going to church or some other format, then do it without him. If that means exercising, then go for walks or to the gym without him. The irony of taking care of yourself and getting healthier is that you become more attractive too. -Kurt

Deadwomanwalking

Hello, I have been married 14 years and have two young kids. My marriage started off great. My husband and I were in love. He was so sweet and romantic. But, for the last couple of years he has changed completely. He is no longer that man. We had a nice life and the house of our dreams, but we sold it since he worked far and the commute was getting to him. I justify it that way, but he says it is because I did not keep the house clean, did not take proper care of the kids and above all, he no longer loves me or is attracted to me. We fight a lot and I get defensive and yell. He comes back at me swearing and calling me names I cannot and do not want to mention here. He says I am fat, ugly, lazy and stupid for not finding a job. He says I stress him out and is never happy to see me ever. He wants to go and blames him not leaving on me since I do not have a job. He says I am holding him hostage since I am too lazy and stupid to get a job. He insults my cooking, says I am a bad wife and mother and constantly tells me that I am a liability to him. He calls me a lemon and says I am a loser and wishes he had not married me or even met me. He doesn't even sleep in the same room as me and says he is only around for the kids. I cannot leave either. Where would I go? He says I am a mentally unstable and won't even come near me. No touching. No mercy, no compassion. He says I deserve all this. What do I deserve? To cry all the time, be miserable, feel unloved and as stupid and bad as he makes me feel? No sex, no touching, no love. I still love him and have hope that he will love me again. I just don't know if I should keep living like this. We tried marriage counseling a few years ago, but he did not like the counselor and she told him that if we don't want to be together she can not help us. I wanted to make things work, but he did not, so we did not go back. I saw a counselor, but alone and things are just getting worse and worse. He also totally blames the marriage falling apart on me and says I am good for nothing. I just do not know what to do. Please help.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Deadwomanwalking, You're in an abusive relationship. Read the posts under that tag on this blog for more help. Not much is likely to change until you change your thinking that you have no options. By the way, that 'stuck' way of thinking is the result of abuse. -Kurt

RHarm

I have been wish my spouse for almost 10 years. We have been through The good The bad AND The ugly. But to me right now were are worse than ever before. We aren't fighting but he has completely withdrawn from our relationship. About a month and a half ago his ex showed up on our front door unannounced and stuck around with my in laws for nearly a week. Then she left but left the kids here. While they were here we got in a big fight over one of his kids, but I though we had gotten past it. But then it was time for them to go home and he decided he was going to take a four day trip to take them home. He went and stayed in the same house as his kids and his ex, but they say "nothing happened" but he comes home with a cell phone that she got him refuses to give me the number and he has been completely shut off since coming back. I tried multiple time to talk to him I tried writing letters to him explaining my feelings, but to no avail nothing changed he refuses to tell me what is going on inside him. So after doing all I know to do to fix it I gave our engagement ring back. Please know I didn't want to but that ring means nothing to me if he is no longer in love with me. I have tried several times since to get him to talk to me about us he just says don't worry I think we just need space. So now we live in the same house and talk each day but not about anything to do with either us separating completely or us fixing the issue, but every night I cry myself to sleep wishing we could go back. I know that's not possible but is there anything I can do besides praying to save our relationship. Or should I just try to move on

shawn

I cannot imagine the trauma you are experiencing. What the kids must are going through. But you need to do something for you. Not him or the relationship. You need to get yourself to a better place. I possibly only faced a drop in the bucket of the pain you are feeling and i still after almost a year still feel like crying and have pent up emosions. And for me the healing started with thinking about what is gonna help me. Its not selfish its necessary. Good luck

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

RHarm, Praying is important, but it also needs to combined with acting. Giving back the engagement ring was a good first step. I wonder what else you could do to show him that he needs to choose to be with and respect you or he doesn't get you. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Shawn, Thanks for sharing your painful experience and advice. You're right that focusing more on taking care of ourselves is what many women in this situation need to do. -Kurt

Wendy

Hi, My husband and I have been married for 17 years with two kids, ages 15 and 11. We have had a lot of ups and downs, with many arguments, which can get very heated. Yet, I feel we have also been friends along the way and there have been good times, too. He had a failed business for 2 years and has been getting his masters and been unemployed for 6 months, so a total of 3 years without making any money. He used to do quite well. I have been supporting us, but my work is not steady, so it is a lot of stress for me and I've also been in nursing school myself. Lately, the arguments have taken over, and he has become verbally abusive to me, telling me that he can't stand me, that he is repulsed by me because I need to loose weight (I'm about 25 lbs overweight), he doesn't want to sleep with me or in the same room. He wants to be separated, but in the same house, because, of course, he can't afford to move out, etc. I feel very hurt and insulted. He has basically shut down from our relationship and if I try to talk about anything, it's like stepping in a mine field, never knowing what will set him off to explode on me. We may go for counseling, but the money for that is tight. Should I let the marriage fall apart, give him space he needs or try to make it better? He says he wants to stay together (but separate) for 1.5 more years until he is done with his masters so that he can be on his feet. I feel used and abused, but I still love him. What to do...

Sue

This is for Amy who posted Sunday, January 26, 2014 11:10 PM.

Amy, your husband has some serious issues you simply can not be expected to deal with. He has to want to change himself.

Get yourself into some therapy so you can get past this and learn how to live your life. If you can't afford to pay explore options like a local pastor. You have a lot of living to do and you have a right to do it!!

It's time you started building you support network. There are social groups out there that don't cost a dime to join. Maybe join a church if you can find one that shares your beliefs. You don't mention whether or not you work. You might consider getting a job if you can find one you think you will enjoy. Don't worry about your age, a lot of places want to hire mature individuals because they know how to work (my mother is 76 and works part time, refuses to quit). Also, some jobs come with Employee Assistance Programs that include free counselling sessions.

Put money aside as you can, even if it's just a little bit. Those little bits add up eventually. A job, if you decide working is right for you, will help this situation. If not a job, find something you love to do and do it. Maybe it might even be something you can use to make money (opening an online Etsy shop, craft shows, etc.) or maybe volunteering (hospitals, homeless shelters, etc.)

I've made a lot of assumptions and I hope I haven't offended. If there's one thing I've learned in my 50 years it's that just because someone in our lives makes decisions that affect us in a negative way doesn't mean we have to take it lying down. We can't control the person or his actions but we can control our reaction to it. The point, Amy, is that you have worth. Your life is just as important as anyone else's. You have a right to live it!!!!

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Wendy, Sounds like you should feel used and abused. Glad to hear that you recognize the verbal abuse. Counseling would be best, but you can also work on applying the tips I share on this blog under the Love Is Gone and Abusive Relationships tags. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Sue, Another great post- thanks! Your advice and encouragement is great. I especially like, "you have worth." If we all could just grasp that truth more we'd really change our lives. -Kurt

Jade

Well people say that if a woman has many divorces then she doesn't know how to please a man or how to be loved. I am a 4 time divorcee. Im chalking it all uo to experience! This last time it has been 14 yrs now since I was divorced because I refuse to ever settle again. Never realized that was what I was doing before, but I was, just settling. One thing I have learned in this dating and cohabitation era of my life with the opposite sex is that IF a MAN TRULY LOVES a woman or a woman as complex as myself, IS that no matter what I DO or say, he will still be here. You know how a lot of us gals always seem to go for the "Bad Boy"? Well, whether MOST men realize it or not, they like the "Bad Girl" also. Seemingly as long as she cooks, cleans, is a lady in public (wink..most of the time), a good mom, gets along with his family and friends, and can bring home some sort of bacon. Every relatiotionship varies but it seems yo me TRUST, COMMUNICATION and ROMANCE are the keys to long. term unconditional love...forever. I know I like to live, laugh, love and all the little things in between. Honestly, it doesn't seem that men are any diff. We all just have to pick our battles with our significant other as we do with our children..man or woman. We are from the same planet after all!

joalane mothupi

I dnt even knw wher to start!everytyn is a mess,am so alone,saying he can't buy grocery coz I didn't do his washing!bringing girls in the house and tells me to move to the other side of the bed!making love while am nxt to them!if ther is a group for women plz I nid to join

L H

It's been 2 years since I last posted my comment on April 27, 2012 that my husband all of a sudden told me he did not love me and wanted a divorce. Well one night at 3 a.m I went through his cell phone that he would guard with his life and took all the numbers which all had male names. So I called one by one on a payphone, turns out some where females. After I could no longer take his disrespect and verbal abuse I called these women and low and behold some of these women went into detail about how my husband was after one of his classmates. I was given details that he was telling his female engineering classmates that he was going to divorce me after he graduated so he could be with Isis which according to his classmates was a known slut at that University. I was told that because she was very unattractive her seduction came through her slutty attire, flirty behavior and strocking men's egos. I was also told my husband was a flirt and had hit on several girls in the Engineering program at the University of Houston before landing on Isis. I also found out he was wining and dining this woman, doing her homework, taking her on school trips and speding our hard earned money on her. I did talk to this Isis woman and she blammed everything on my husband. Its been two years now. She left him for a young guy her age. And our relationship is pretty much over, due to his lies and cover ups. Now he's just angry and snappy blamming his affair on me,because he was told that his 23 year old tramp just used him. I know this marriage is over. But at least I got my answers. It was another woman.

CV

This is one of the worst articles I've ever read. Women yearn to be someone special to their husband. They need romance. They have a great amount of love to give but they also need a great amount of love in return. Women show love in the things that they do for their spouses. The issue with marriages these days is that men and women don't understand each other and many don't care to understand each other so they run to the divorce courts and try to find a new happy beginning in a new relationship since they weren't able to get their happy ending. Ignorance. Marriage is about BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE making an effort. Women need to know that she is appreciated yet you say Men should be praised. If both isnt happening the women is not going to do this. This is one annoying article.

Mary

I have been married for a year and 11 months but been with my husband for 5 years. For the past 4 years I've been dealing with depression which caused me to loose myself, lose my confidence my motivation to be active and do this around the house. For those years my husband says he tried to do everything that he possibly could to help me out and be active and happy but it was just not working. I guess both our mistake was that we didn't realized what was really going on and that I needed to seek professional help. I left to visit my family in California a week ago and the same day I got back was the day that he told me exactly what was going on and what he felt. Then after that everything just started deteriorating very fast to the point that now he feels that his feelings towards me are flat. He feels that his feeling or love towards me have been drying out little by little as time went by and that he's scared that his feelings towards me or his love towards me won't come back. I told him I love him and that I don't want to give up on us, so I'm trying to seek or do whatever there's out there to do in order to work on our marriage. I guess the only thing I'm scared of is that I know and he knows he's a very stubborn person, and that might not be so helpful in trying to work on our relationship.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Jade, Your realization that you were "settling" will probably ring true for others as well. Thanks for sharing your insight. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

LH, Thanks for coming back and sharing the rest of your story. There can be many reasons the love is gone, but another woman stroking his ego is a common one. Ironically, it almost never lasts too. -Kurt

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

CV, Sorry you didn't like the post. Keep in mind it was written to women, not both women and men. You're right that "Marriage is about BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE making an effort." But this post wasn't about that. -Kurt

Sue

Kurt, may I make a suggestion? I find your article very interesting and helpful. I think women should do exactly as you have suggested, with maybe a few minor modifications to allow for eccentricities in individual relationships. Could you write another article just like this one for men? I think it could have a great deal of value from a man's perspective. You may have already written this and I just haven't seen it! I think maybe some women may feel attacked by this singular article although I know that wasn't your intention. Maybe this article and it's companion for men could go hand in hand? Actually, I'm being a little selfish here...I like the value in this article and I feel my marriage would also greatly benefit from another for men! This is Sue from above who answered Amy.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Sue, Thanks for the suggestion. Just so I'm sure I understand you correctly, you're suggesting an article such as, "My Wife Doesn't Love Me Anymore - What To Do"? -Kurt

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Mary, Now that you realize you should have gotten professional help earlier on, do it now. Be careful not to try to predetermine how this will turn out. I've seen some of the most hopeless situations change directions. Slow down, give yourselves some time, and get some help figuring out what you both can change to make things better. -Kurt

Mary

Kurt- Thanks you for your advice I am seeking professional help both me and my husband are going to a marriage therapist this Thursday, I am trying to keep strong and very positive but it's very very hard to do so when things between me and my husband are a little awkward. I guess deep down inside I want to believe we can make this work I know we can it'll just take time, but my fears right now are that he is very stubborn and he feels like he doesn't want to wait no more. He feels as if he's been trying for 4 years and life is too short to be unhappy. I will continue to keep doing my end and just hope he can give me that time. At the same time I feel bad though, I feel like I'm forcing him to try to love me again and I don't want that I love him so much that I just want him to be very happy again with or without me. I don't want to feel like I'm being foolish or selfish by trying to work on us, specially feel guilty for pressuring him. I respect his feelings and what he's going through right now. The last thing I want is to continue to make him feel awkward, sad, confused, etc...

Anonymous

I have been married for 5 years and married life has been hard. I take responsability for the fact that I have not taken a good look at myself and what I was doing to him and now that he is finally being honest I feel lost and so hurt and wonder if he ever loved me at all. My husband has made a lot of mistakes that I have forgiven him for even though trust is a big issue but I stood by him and now he says he loves me but its not attracted to me. Its the hardest thing to listen too and not feel completely hummiliated and unwanted. Regardless of it I stayed and I want to work on me because i realized I cant make him love but i can love myself and maybe he will love and want me again too. Does that make me weak? I dont know but right now Im trying to love me more and find myself again. I dont know where we stand or if my marriage will last but I have to believe that it can get better. Is that wrong?

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Congratulations for taking responsibility for having not taken a good look at yourself. If you get better it's very likely your marriage will too. Best wishes in discovering a 'new' you. -Kurt

sherry

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years everything was great in the beginning but now he seems to lost interest in me.hes not as loving as he used to be .He used to make me laugh and smile but for the past year I find myself crying myself to sleep.i feel so lonely and unwanted all the time.ive tried telling him how I feel through text messaging cause he spends more time with his phone than me.but then all the feelings I pour out just makes him mad at me and argue with me.I could really use you help I don't believe in giving up on a marriage but he's not leaving me much of a choice...Please help me. .

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Sherry, Sharing your heart-felt feelings should be done face-to-face, not by text. Sounds like you need a third person, like a professional counselor, to help you communicate and your husband to understand. -Kurt

mika

my husband and i have been together for 8 years and married for three of them. we have a 15 month old son that we prayed for. My husband left me in September of this year and shortly after he started dating someone. They are now living together in her town which is an hour away. (mind you he just met her, she was a stranger off social media) I have been going through marriage counseling and working on making myself a better person, mother and wife rather that be for my husband or my future husband. My husband says he wants a divorce and says we will not be getting back together. He has told me that he lost feelings for me about 6 months before he had left and says there is just nothing there. i am a believer and i am trying to keep my faith but i feel all different emotions.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Mika, You're in a really tough place, but good for you for going to counseling and learning how to make yourself a better person, mother, and wife. Keep changing yourself and you may draw him back, but if he doesn't return it will be his loss. The rollercoaster emotions are tough and normal. -Kurt

Rachel

I have been married for almost 13 years and it's been difficult. Pnce we got married (I was 20, he 30) my husband started changing. He didn't allowed me to go out with friends while he was on duty (he's in the military) and when I greeted a male co worker, he screamed at me and treated me like I was nothing. I have been at home all those years, with no support system. The way he sees it, I have to stay at home until his retirement (7 more years). If I make friends, he does everything in his power to break any friendships I form. I need his permission to have money, his sarcasm is demaning and cruel. He treats me like a child and more than often as if I'm stupid. Weeks ago I had surgery and he didn't allowed me to take it easy like it was recommended. We haven't slept in the same room for years and no physical contact of any kind. I had to involved family advocacy and his commander for him to wake up (2013). Through the long talk, my husband confessed that he didn't know if he loved me anymore. But said, he wanted to work things out. In 2014, out of the 12 months, he went with me to marriage counseling like not even 6 months, always making excuses. His sarcasm continued, and screaming from time to time. Our kids ages 11 and 7 don't like to even sit with him. Now 2015, we had a talk. He finally confessed he was talking with another women months ago (I found the conversation), doesn't know if he loves me or not, stating that our marriage is not to get fix overnight. Well..he yelled it at me. And, I get it. It takes time, but he didn't even tried for an entire year. I spoke my mind and told him, all that has been created is not healthy for our relationship. He agreed, but does nothing. I have talked to therapists, a senior doctor, and several people from a domestic violence shelter that offered their help in any way. But, I can't leave. Husband made threats. Again. Saying and I quote: 'You can leave, but you're not taking my kids'. I've given him plenty of chances and the situation has gotten worst.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Rachel, Don't let his threats intimidate and control you. He is not the final determinator of where the kids go -- a judge will decide that if necessary. Take one of those professionals up on their offer to help you. -Kurt

CP

The basis of Kurt's article is correct. But I believe that mistakes that have bought most women in this situation in the first place is the fact that they have over-functioned in their relationships.
It is always the man's job to pursue you in before the relationship and in after the relationship. It's up to him to initiate contact, romance you, pursue you. But I think when women start to become the man in the relationship and continuously pursue him, he's going to stop pursuing you. You start planning all of your dates, you continuously gift him, initiate sex, call him, you carry the whole relationship. Leaving very little room for him to.
And then you start to resent him bc he's not chasing you. Then you start to criticize him for not functioning in the relationship. Then he starts to feel like he can't make you happy. and since you're still doing everything in the relationship and there's no room for him to, & you keep pushing him, it starts deteriorating. You'll get angry and make him feel wrong. He'll feel overwhelmed. A relationship can endure many things, but onslaught of criticism is not one of them.
He'll start to resent you back, he'll get overwhelmed with your expectations, he'll start to feel angry with you that he has to be the one responsible for your happiness(instead of you being responsible for your happiness) and he'll shut down.
Stop over functioning. & if he doesn't make it happen still, then be open that this part of your life may be over and focus on creating a new life for yourself.
A clean slate can free you so much of the weight you're carrying now. I know its scary to think of any other life than him, but you will never know how strong you are until you have to be. It will develop you. Believe me, I've been there. I could never want to back.
Most of it, was not love, it was emotional dependency. Thats what was traumatic.
The new relationships were so much nicer. they made feel special again and my life had different purpose.

Wondering Aboutthenextstep

I have been together with my husband for 10 years but married for about half a year. We have had our ups and downs throughout the entire relationship. It was pretty fragile during the middle of our relationship before marriage. He and I have various issues that we have to deal with. I would ask him about his issues of being disassociated from me, his friends and family but he would never answer me. It got to the point in which he would get upset when I ask him, “Are you alright?” I would only ask because sitting in a room in complete darkness is not healthy…right? He would go through bouts of engagement and then total withdrawal. In regards to me, I can be very selfish, throw emotional temper tantrums and lack communication. I have made many broken promises and say things I do not really mean. I have been lazy and uncommitted to the relationship. I would say that I love him (I do), but would not be an adequate girlfriend/wife. I have contributed nothing to the table. The only thing I could contribute is being the breadwinner, providing food and shelter. I have also lied to him a few times in the past. It would take a while of him pestering me to let him know the truth. There have been times in which our relationship is good and then it will go back to being sour. Our arguments would just end up with nothing changing in the end. And I am the one who did not change. Most of the time, it will end up being my fault. I would do things to make him out to be the bad guy. There have been so many things that I cannot name. I have trouble communicating with him because I get over emotional, cry and just mentally shutdown. I become afraid of having my feelings hurt. So, when we have days in which we do not talk… I do not initiate the conversation because I am scared. Our sex-life has become non-existent as well. I have been very tired from working. Currently, he is not working at the moment and his home by himself most of the day. We have just recently moved to a different country (where English is not the first language) and things have gotten worse. A few days ago, I have said something extremely mean to him and he snapped. Now, he states that he does not care about me one bit. He does not care about my feelings, does not care if I cry, he just does not care. I have officially broken the last straw on the camel’s back. He also threatened to go out when he can and do “whatever he wants to do”. Stating that “If you won’t do it, then I am certain there is someone out there that will. I have been constantly dodging women and being faithful to you. But, now there is no point.” I was deeply hurt by it. Even now, just thinking about it makes me cry. When we were in the US, we did not have enough money to afford a couple’s counselor. Now, we are in a different country and finding an English speaking counselor will be completely difficult, let alone him going with me. I have been kicking myself in the ass every time that I can because I am the one that messed up. I have written many things that I need to work on about myself… and I know that things nor people change overnight. But, my fear is that he is officially done with me for good. This just happened a few days ago, but he appeared to be very serious about the situation. I want to change my ways, talk to him, and make him see that I value and love him. But, another reason why it is hard to talk to him is because I am a “bs’er”. I would say one thing and then not do it. (Even when he is giving his all) I have completely messed up and now knowing that I could have really lost him… I just do not know what to do. I know time heals all wounds, but will it heal the damage I have done? Even if I change my ways?

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Wondering, You can speed up the healing by changing your ways not just by letting time go by. Congratulations for being honest about your mistakes and struggles, but you need help to really change them. There are professional counselors like me who work with people overseas. I use phone, Skype, and Google Hangouts to make it possible. Find some help for yourself first before persuing couples counseling. -Kurt

Megan Mil

My husband said that he doesn't love me anymore and constantly tells me that he will not take any initiative to have affection or intimacy with me. I have done all I could for the past 6-9 months. He no longer shows affection or have intimacy with me anymore. I have the tendancy to shower him with love and affection daily without failed like hug him to sleep but times he will push me away or remind me to manage my expectation. I do not want to stop my affection towards him but at the same time I feel hurt and emotionally abused as I feel that it is one sided for now. Should I continue to show love to him or should I stop?

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Megan, Love and affection isn't supposed to be one-sided. It doesn't look like you're doing that for him is getting you what you deserve, so perhaps a different approach is in order. -Kurt

Megan Mil

Hi Kurt, when you mean different approach, could you advise on this?
My husband say that he is trying to work out with me but the effort is minimum. I'm just wondering if I'm too impatience when it comes to affection and intimacy. Which is why I'm unsure if I should continue showering him with this or stop. Appreciate your advise on the other approach.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Megan, Showering him with affection isn't working, so do less of it. -Kurt

Christina

Recently, My husband told me he doesn't love me. This tore me to pieces we just got married in October, and we've been together for 4 years. We have no children. He tried to tell me it was because he is unhappy where we are in our life, financially struggling and he feels unaccomplished. He went as far as to say that he feels that he was partially forced into marrying me. He doesn't look at me, or touch me, he says very few words. I'm wondering if it is because he found someone else. I've never disrespected him, or lied to him. I've always been very supportive. But, I am jobless, and have been for quite some time. Any advice?

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Christina, It's possible that there is someone else, but there could be other reasons for his loss of love and unhappiness. I work with guys who feel this way and not all of them are cheating. -Kurt

Laurie

I have been in a relationship with someone for almost 5 years and engaged for 3 of those years. Whenever we start talking plans for marriage, where to live, etc, within a few weeks there is a big fight and talk of a break up. As long as marriage plans are "on hold" it is easier to get along. Recently I have told him that since our sexual relationship is excellent, we should put it on hold til marriage and focus on the rest of the problems like why we argue, etc. After all, "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free". He feels criticized when I say that, so I have stopped, but I do feel there is truth to it. Also, at this point, I feel maybe if we follow God more, then the outcome will be better. But without sex, we seem to be drifting even further apart. Confused.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Laurie, So when you start to plan for committing to each other in marriage or when there's no sex, you have problems? Hmm. Sounds like some bigger issues lie below the surface. I think you're on to something with the cow and milk. -Kurt

Laurie

Yes, you are right about other issues under the surface....he wants less criticism and more admiration from me. I have worked on this and, we both agree, have become far less critical. As far as admiration, because he blames me for the lion share of any problems we have, I am reluctant to give more and more praise for fear of making him feel even more superior about himself than he already does. Since ours is a bi cultural relationship, perhaps my American attitude about men and women is uncomfortable for him

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

Laurie, Good job on working to change yourself. I hope he is putting in the same effort in changing himself too. -Kurt

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