“Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.”

“Today was opening day at Dodger Stadium. Actually it was a little different this year. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, they threw out the last owner.”

Conan

“In Maryland, three teachers came forward to claim the Mega Millions lottery prize. They all said they would remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won’t mean crap unless you win the lottery.”

“American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. In other words, Iran may have the technology to build its own beer bong.”

Late Show With David Letterman

“A hundred years ago, the Titanic sank. It was supposed to be unsinkable. If they were going to make that same cruise again today, thanks to global warming they would not have to worry about icebergs.”

“Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice-presidents. Did you know that?”

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

“It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.”

“Hot dog pizza raises two important questions. Who came up with this monstrosity? And how quickly can it be delivered to my house?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

“We had a new Dancing With The Stars tonight, an elimination night and Sherri Shepherd was evicted. I feel bad for her because not only is she off Dancing With The Stars, but she has to go back to The View.”

“Facebook is buying the photo-sharing service Instagram for a billion dollars. Instagram is an app that makes your photographs look like vintage Polaroids. Meanwhile, poor Tom from MySpace just announced he’s selling his mom’s Polaroid camera on eBay for $5.”

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

“Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.”

“The New York Mets have started the season with four straight wins. I don’t want to say it’s surprising, but today the Mets tested themselves for steroids.”

TV TONIGHT

A mix of old and new is promised with the country-tinged special ACM Presents: Lionel Richie and Friends — In Concert. Here, the veteran singer-songwriter takes the stage with country stars including The Band Perry, Kenny Chesney, Lady Antebellum, Martina McBride, Rascal Flatts and Kenny Rogers. (CTV Two, CBS)

“Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.”

“Today was opening day at Dodger Stadium. Actually it was a little different this year. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, they threw out the last owner.”

Conan

“In Maryland, three teachers came forward to claim the Mega Millions lottery prize. They all said they would remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won’t mean crap unless you win the lottery.”

“American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. In other words, Iran may have the technology to build its own beer bong.”

Late Show With David Letterman

“A hundred years ago, the Titanic sank. It was supposed to be unsinkable. If they were going to make that same cruise again today, thanks to global warming they would not have to worry about icebergs.”

“Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice-presidents. Did you know that?”

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

“It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.”

“Hot dog pizza raises two important questions. Who came up with this monstrosity? And how quickly can it be delivered to my house?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

“We had a new Dancing With The Stars tonight, an elimination night and Sherri Shepherd was evicted. I feel bad for her because not only is she off Dancing With The Stars, but she has to go back to The View.”

“Facebook is buying the photo-sharing service Instagram for a billion dollars. Instagram is an app that makes your photographs look like vintage Polaroids. Meanwhile, poor Tom from MySpace just announced he’s selling his mom’s Polaroid camera on eBay for $5.”

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

“Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.”

“The New York Mets have started the season with four straight wins. I don’t want to say it’s surprising, but today the Mets tested themselves for steroids.”

TV TONIGHT

A mix of old and new is promised with the country-tinged special ACM Presents: Lionel Richie and Friends — In Concert. Here, the veteran singer-songwriter takes the stage with country stars including The Band Perry, Kenny Chesney, Lady Antebellum, Martina McBride, Rascal Flatts and Kenny Rogers. (CTV Two, CBS)

“Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.”

“Today was opening day at Dodger Stadium. Actually it was a little different this year. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, they threw out the last owner.”

Conan

“In Maryland, three teachers came forward to claim the Mega Millions lottery prize. They all said they would remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won’t mean crap unless you win the lottery.”

“American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. In other words, Iran may have the technology to build its own beer bong.”

Late Show With David Letterman

“A hundred years ago, the Titanic sank. It was supposed to be unsinkable. If they were going to make that same cruise again today, thanks to global warming they would not have to worry about icebergs.”

“Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice-presidents. Did you know that?”

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

“It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.”

“Hot dog pizza raises two important questions. Who came up with this monstrosity? And how quickly can it be delivered to my house?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

“We had a new Dancing With The Stars tonight, an elimination night and Sherri Shepherd was evicted. I feel bad for her because not only is she off Dancing With The Stars, but she has to go back to The View.”

“Facebook is buying the photo-sharing service Instagram for a billion dollars. Instagram is an app that makes your photographs look like vintage Polaroids. Meanwhile, poor Tom from MySpace just announced he’s selling his mom’s Polaroid camera on eBay for $5.”

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

“Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.”

“The New York Mets have started the season with four straight wins. I don’t want to say it’s surprising, but today the Mets tested themselves for steroids.”

TV TONIGHT

A mix of old and new is promised with the country-tinged special ACM Presents: Lionel Richie and Friends — In Concert. Here, the veteran singer-songwriter takes the stage with country stars including The Band Perry, Kenny Chesney, Lady Antebellum, Martina McBride, Rascal Flatts and Kenny Rogers. (CTV Two, CBS)