Pantyhose Life Lessons

There are lessons to be learned everyday if you are willing to take a good look. Take pantyhose for example. Yes, I said pantyhose. Hero Husband refers to them as “sausage casings”, which is probably a reflection of my legs, but I choose to not dwell on that thought. Pantyhose are one of those things, that as a child I couldn’t wait to experience, and as an adult I wish I didn’t need them – right along with eye glasses, makeup, hair color, and shaving my legs.

My first lesson came the first time my Mom allowed me to wear pantyhose with my plaid school uniform. This meant trading in my knee high socks and bruised knees for a smooth, beautiful, “suntanned” leg. As pulled on said suntan, I noticed a little “nub” and asked my mother if I should cut it off.

“NO,” she said emphatically – “DO NOT PULL THAT, IT WILL RUIN YOUR HOSE”.

I marched off to school with confidence, and hoped all the other knee high sock girls would be jealous of my maturity. As the day wore on, I kept running my finger over that “nub” on my leg. I pulled it just a little, and nothing horrible happened. I don’t know what possessed me, or why I had to find out – I just did. You guessed it, I pulled that nub and my hose split, causing a run all the way down my leg. My friends all had a good giggle. My Mom, however did not giggle, and I realized maybe my Mom knows what she’s talking about.
My next lesson came in middle school when I truly began to compare myself with the girls who were prettier, smarter, and much more liked. Try as I might, I never measured up (maybe because I continually had runs in my stockings). But there was one girl, who not only was beautiful, she (struggling to find a tactful way to say this), she….had a chest that was actually worthy of a bra. I was jealous, and it was obvious by the boys stares, that I wasn’t the only one impressed by this phenomena. So what does this have to do with pantyhose, you ask? Well, do you remember “L’eggs” pantyhose – famous for their packaging in those white eggs that screwed apart? If not, ask your Mom. It just so happened that after a sleepover with some friends, is was disclosed that little Miss Dolly Parton was being enabled by strategically placed ‘”L’eggs” eggs tops. The pretty girls aren’t always what they seem.

My final lesson is the one that impacted my life the most. A few years after I became a Christian, my husband and I moved to a “mega” church. I began helping out with the youth a little and eventually I was asked to teach a High School Sunday School class. I agreed to the challenge, but I was really nervous. I did not know these teenagers but I was well aware that teenagers could be tough. Most of these kids attended a Christian High School, and probably knew more about the Bible than I did. I knew I would have to be REALLLY interesting to engage a teenager at 9:00 on Sunday Morning. I gave myself a good pep talk, and prayed my guts out. Just before entering the first class I went for one last bathroom break and a quick touch-up (You only have one chance to make a first impression-cuteness goes a long way) and one more prayer – “God, PLEASE give me favor with these kids, help me to be funny and win them over.”

The door was in the rear of the class room. I peeked in and saw that the room was almost full of students sitting at their desks. I took a deep breath and walked in, down the center aisle. The room went completely silent, and then I heard a few giggles. I reached the podium, and noticed all eyes were on me. A little weird – even I know I’m not THAT cute. I introduced myself and then a girl from the front row sheepishly stood up and approached me. She leaned in and whispered words I never want to hear again:

“Miss Lori, your dress is tucked inside your pantyhose.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Here, let me help you”, she said quietly, as she gently pulled my dress from its captivity.

“Thank you, and class now that I have your attention, let’s start our less on humility.”