The desire to live happy motivates us to pursue what we think will create it.

Some find it. Others only bump into to from time to time. Then, seemingly, as suddenly and randomly as bumping into happiness, in a flash, it’s gone again. Still others have a hard time ever even spotting it along the side of the road of the life they travel.

The problem is that far too many people don’t know what produces the thing they seek. They’ve been educated on Disney movies or sitcoms and now have a warped sense of what happiness is all about.

So they pursue it in the wrong places: They look for it in the next thrill or in the next relationship, or in the next job or the bigger house. Or they wait for it, hoping it will arrive when the kids move out or when the Democrats or Republicans win or when they get that anticipated promotion or when they retire.

No wonder happiness for so many often seems an illusion, a shifting shadow, out of reach. As I’ve said before, happiness is a state of being rather than a condition of circumstance. And yet we all sometimes catch ourselves looking for happiness outside, from others, from what we have or own or from the numbers in the portfolio or the job title. And yet happiness cannot be found lurking in such external things.

THREE HAPPINESS MYTHS

1. Fun & Excitement = Happiness

I love to wrestle with my 5-year-old son. We play Transformers and have tickle fights. He is fun and funny and we enjoy playing with each other. But dinner, bath and bedtime rob me of those richly rewarding moments. The fun ends when he goes to bed. And when the fun is over, well, it’s over.

Fun ends; happiness endures. Pursuing the former too vigorously can delay attainment of the latter indefinitely. Just as unhappiness is not the absence of excitement, excitement is not the same thing as happiness. It is those who confuse the two that often end up with lots of fun and little deep-rooted happiness.

2. Enjoyment & Pleasure = Happiness

We can enjoy a sunset or take pleasure in the laughter of a child. And such external conditions and experiences can certainly add immense joy to our lives. But sunsets end as darkness swallows the remaining rays of light. Children stop laughing and sometimes cry. The enjoyment ends. The pleasure stops. But that’s not what happiness was to begin with.

3. Fame and Fortune = Happiness

Just a quick glance at Hollywood should be enough to dispel this myth! Look at the cases of anorexia and petty theft and divorce and rehab and scandal. If fame and fortune were somehow connected to happiness, Hollywood should be the new happiest place on earth. It’s not because such things don’t produce what so many from the outside looking in think they produce.

Summary

The reason the myths above fail to produce true happiness is that such things are transitory, shifting, experience-oriented or conditional. “I had fun at Disneyland. I enjoy a good book. The rollercoaster or skiing or my first date was exciting. That bath or massage or taste was pleasurable.” When the vacation ends, the fun is over. When the ride stops, the excitement is done. When the masseuse stops massaging, the pleasure receptors stop signaling. Such positive feelings are event-specific and tied to that moment or the memory of it.

They are reactions to events and activities, emotional and physiological responses to external stimuli. Happiness, by contrast, is enduring, a state of being, the natural extension of principles adhered to and character traits developed.

In other words, happiness is not something that happens to you. It is something you develop, even earn, as the end product of a life building and developing those traits that produce the state we desire.

Happiness is still around when the fun is over, the pleasure and the memory of it extinguished, the excitement dulled and the enjoyment no longer enjoyable. It’s the feeling you have when you look into a mirror and like the person looking back at you, when you look out at life and an involuntary sigh of gratitude or satisfaction slips from your lips.

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6 Comments

I agree with you Ken
i wrote before in one of my articles “happiness is not found, its earned”
the one thing id love to add is that happiness differs from a person to another
for Farouk happiness might be doing so and so and for ken it might be something completely different

Very true, Farouk! While elements of what makes us happy varies from one person to another, I do believe there are fundamental principles of happiness that are universal. Love, gratitude and human decency, for example, are foundational principles of happiness that apply to all people. Still, your point is valid in that those basic principles can be applied and experienced in different ways. To one person, love might be felt and expressed in a way very different than another, for instance. But the universality of the principle nonetheless holds true too.

By the way, I like the way you worded in just a few succinct words what took me much more wordiness to say: “happiness is not found, it’s earned.” Maybe I’ll quote you in a future article! 🙂

I think you absolutely nailed this post. This is something I still try and grasp. Happiness is not something to be chased down, it is a decision from within. I recently read a good quote by Arthur D. Saftlas, “Realize you can be happy in this moment for no reason. Otherwise, you eternally depend on conditions for happiness. Unconscious of this moment, you remain a victim of circumstances.”

Just as you wrote, we seem to look for and depend on external events to produce happiness. Those roller coater rides or some quality time with your child, they eventually come to an end. The big catharsis here, and my take away point from your post, is just because those events end doesn’t mean happiness comes to a halt.

Life is here, now, under your feet – this is the moment we have, this very one. So just as some things come to an end and some things are endlessly anticipated – that doesn’t mean happiness is past or present – it is now.

Thank you, Chris. I appreciate your insights. They add to our collective desire to live with greater joy. Happiness, as I understand it, exists most securely at four intersecting conditions:

1. Our character: how patient, compassionate, kind, tolerant, loving we are.
2. Our personality: how shy or outgoing, fearful or trusting we are.
3. Our habits of thought: how we interpret life, see the world, view other people’s motives, optimistic and positive we are.
4. What we do: personal growth, taking care of our health, building relationships, doing things we enjoy.

Strengthening any one of these conditions will add to our happiness just as limitations in any one of these areas will put limits on the degree of happiness available to each of us.

I think the ability to live presently, enjoying right now simply because it is now, under our feet, falls somewhere between what we do and how we habitually think and is critical to our ability to experience and enjoy happiness. Life is, after all, composed of a series of moments. How the moments are lived is how life is lived.

Great Post Ken I couldn’t agree with you more. If more people could follow those
simple ideas there would be a lot less stress in their lives. Isn’t it interesting that we meet with a great deal of resistance when we try to change those old beliefs about happiness.

I think you are absolutely correct! It seems that so often there is some combination of the following 3 conditions that act as obstacles to too many people’s happiness:

1. The problem of persistence and consistency. We start, then stop, start again, forget, remember, recommit, fall short, get frustrated, try once more, then let it all slide down hill until the next time we get the urge to change. And so we never quite acquire that new way of habitually thinking or doing.

2. We seem to be creatures of habit. We know what will work. We know why it will work. Then we continue doing what we’ve always done despite our knowledge that it won’t produce different results than last time. That’s why I believe what we do is so important. We all need constant reminders. Most of my posts, as a matter of fact, benefit me to one degree or another as much as anyone else.

3. And then when a new idea is presented, like you so perceptively said, we often look at the idea with suspicion. We doubt it will work. Why? It’s just too simple.

Thank you for joining the conversation, Ed, and hope to see you back here soon!

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About Me

My name is Ken Wert, the founder of M2bH. My purpose here is to teach you how to live a richer life of greater purpose and meaning, of mind-blowing possibility and deeper, more soul-satisfying happiness than you ever dreamt was possible. Join us on this happy adventure as you learn how to unlock your hidden potential to enjoy the rewards of a life well lived. Read more ...