Crackfic XD

Summary:
Hey, this is mine and ScarlettBlush's joint efforts to bring you....THE ONE, THE ONLY....CRACKFIC XD!!!!Why does Bella bitch slap Emmett? Why is Carlisle under Esme's order? What is WRONG with Emmett? Who do the unsinkable rubber ducks belong to? And WHY do they keep breaking out into song? Warning: May damage mental health.

They all looked at Jasper who was on the floor, singing Ba Ba Black Sheep to himself.

He suddenly stopped and screamed at them.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT”

The windows broke.

Then Jasper started singing....

“She said she needed a breakA little time to thinkBut then she went to ClevelandWith some guy named LeelanThat she met at the bank

There's nothing wrong with OhioExcept the snow and the rainI really like Drew CareyAnd I'd love the Scene, the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

[Pre-chorus:] So when you're done doing whateverAnd when you're through doing whoeverYou know Denton County will be right here waiting for you....

[Chorus:]Come back to TexasIt's just not the same since you went awayBefore you lose your accentAnd forget all about the Lonestar StateThere's a seat for you at the rodeoAnd I've got every slow dance savedBesides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway

I think I made a mistakeIt's not that easy to takeShe went to make a depositThen she cleaned out her closetGuess I'll sit here and wait

For her to come back home (I'd wish you come back home)It shouldn't take very long (so long so long)I bet she misses the sunriseAnd Mrs. Baird's fruit pies but I could be wrong

I got a premonitionI'm taking a petitionAnd the whole state's gonna sign

Come back to TexasIt's just not the same since you went awayBefore you lose your accentAnd forget all about the Lone Star StateThere's a seat for you at the rodeoAnd I've got every slow dance saved

Come back to TexasIt's just not the same since you went awayBefore you lose your accentAnd forget all about the Lone Star StateThere's a seat for you at the rodeoAnd I've got every slow dance savedBesides the Mexican food sucks north of here anywayBesides the Mexican food sucks north of here anywayBesides the Mexican food sucks north of here Anywayyyy

Yeahhhhh......”

The therapist just uh-ed then told them to all take a seat.

He gave them pieces of paper and a pen.

“Now, I want you to write your full names on the paper” he said, looking over at them.

“Well, I’m Edward Cullen, and I play piano, I’m married to Bella, I drive a shiny, silver Volvo.” Edward muttered.

“Ok, Alice?” he said.

“I’m a shopaholic, I love dressing up, I’m married to Jasper and I drive a yellow Porche.” She gabbled in one big rush.

“Jasper?”

“Uh, well, I’m very sensitive, I like eggs and I’m married to the demon pixie called Alice Cullen, and I drive a pit bull motorbike, according to some crazed fangirl.......and I like the confederates ” Jasper mumbled looking at the floor.

“Bella?”

“I’m clumsy, I hate shopping, Emmett teases me, I’m married to Edward and I drive a red Ferrari....” Bella said glaring at Emmett.

“Emmett?” the rapist, I mean therapist said, looking over at him.

“Uh, well....I like teasing Bella, Eddie here hates me for teasing Bella, I’m married to Rose, I like baseball and I drive a Jeep.” Emmett randomly started laughing and Edward started fuming.

“Rosalie?”

“I’m pretty, I love shopping, I’m married to the idiot formally known as Emmett, I drive a red BMW M6 and I fix cars alot” Rosalie said, smacking Emmett and checking her nails.

“Ok,” the therapist said, “We’re gonna try an activity”

Jasper smacked his head on a potted plant.

“Uh, Jasper?” the therapist, “I don’t think you should do that?”

Jasper growled at him and the therapist backed away.

“Boys, I would like you to stay here and I would like the girls to go outside, into the next room” the therapist said.

The girls walked out of the room, grumbling something about why the hell Carlisle made them do this, and when can they go home?

Once the girls were gone, the therapist turned to the boys and said this to them:

“You have to stand up to those girls. YOU HAVE TO SHOW THEM THAT MALES ARE THE DOMINANT SPIECES HERE, AND THAT YOU WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS KIND OF NONSENSE!” the therapist, standing up on the desk and doing this weird dance.

Emmett leaned over to Jasper and Edward....

“I think the therapist needs therapy!!”

He said in vamp speak.

They cracked up laughing and the therapist looked at them like they were crazy, and they’d just gotten up on a desk and danced....

Well, it’s safe to say, they were now scarred for life after seeing Emmett like that.

Jasper and Edward screamed and covered their eyes.

The rapist, sorry therapist, fainted and fell off the desk, out the window and went splat on the sidewalk.

Oh dear.

Jasper went over to the window, uncovered his eyes, and peered down.

He leaned a bit too far out and fell out.

*SPLAT*

Crap, I think he landed ON the therapist.

Then Emmett, being the retard he is, decided to launch himself out too.

He landed on top of both of them.

Edward thought Sod it all and jumped out after them.

The rapist, sorry therapist, ended up in hospital, with a broken neck, leg, arms, fingers, ribs, pelvis and a broken skull.

They were going back tomorrow for the girls.

I feel sorry for the next one.

Edward went to the hospital, with some flowers for the rapist, therapist.

Too bad, he was in a coma....

Or was he dead?

I don’t know, he’s a rapist.

No, really.

No, not really.

Really?

Nah, not really.

How do you know?

I don’t, but I’m the author.

Great, here we go again. I’m talking to myself.

Well, we have time for ONE LAST SONG, SUNG BY EMMETT.

Whoo.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yardAnd they're life, it's better than yoursDamn right it's better than yoursI could teach youBut I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yardAnd they're life, it's better than yoursDamn right it's better than yoursI could teach youBut I have to charge

I know you want itThe thing that makes meWhat the guys go crazy forThey lose their mindsThe way I whineI think it's time

La,La,La,La,LaWarm it upLa,La,La,La,LaThe boys are waitingLa,la,La,La,LaWarm it upLa,La,La,La,LaThe boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yardAnd they're life, it's better than yoursDamn right it's better than yoursI could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yardAnd they're life, it's better than yoursDamn right it's better than yoursI could teach you but I have to charge

I see you're on itYou want me to teach theeTechniques that freaks these boysIt can't be boughtJust know things get caughtWatch if you're smart

La,La,La,La,LaWarm it upLa,La,La,La,LaThe boys are waitingLa,La,La,La,La,Warm it upLa,La,La,La,LaThe boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yardAnd they're life, it's better than yoursDamn right it's better than yoursI could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yardAnd they're life, it's better than yoursDamn right it's better than yoursI could teach you but I have to charge

Oh, once you get involvedEveryone will look this way, soYou must maintain your charmsame time maintain your haloJust get the perfect blendPlus what you have withinThen next his eyes are squintThen he's picked up your scent

La,La,La,La,LaWarm it upLa,La,La,La,LaThe boys are waitingLa,La,La,La,LaWarm it upLa,La,La,La,LaThe boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yardAnd they're life, it's better than yoursDamn right it's better than yoursI could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yardAnd they're life, it's better than yoursDamn right it's better than yoursI could teach you but I have to charge.

Emmett finished with a flourish.

“YEAH, HOWS DAT FOR EM-STYLE?” He screamed at no-one in particular.

“EMMETT, GET THE FUCK IN HERE, I WANT SEX” Rosalie screamed from the bedroom.