PORN: A Virgin’s Perspective

Warning: Tonight, I’m going to be writing about the four-letter “P-Word” that makes everyone squirm.

Porn.

I read a really scary statistic today. It said that for just one porn site, 81 million people visit it per day. Per DAY! 81 million people! And that’s for just one of the thousands of websites out there. That’s close to 30 billion visits per year.

Does that shock anyone else?

I heard it and nearly fell out of my chair.

I’m going to share something with you that may be surprising.

I’ve never actually seen porn.

Sure, I’ve had those spammy pop up ads aggressively attack my computer screen, but I’ve been so startled that I just click out and try not to burn my retinas.

But just because I don’t watch it, doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions about it.

And spoiler alert…I have a lot of them.

But first, I want to start out by saying that, just because I don’t struggle with porn addiction doesn’t make me a saint. You know my history – during my anorexia I lied, manipulated, lashed out and deceived like a veritable deviant. So just because my browser history is clean doesn’t mean my past record is. So please don’t read this from a “holier than thou” standpoint. I am in no way judging what is a very real struggle for a lot of people.

We’re in a sad sad state of reality these days. Yes, that statistic was jarring, but let’s be honest…was anyone really *that* surprised?

Because frankly, I wasn’t.

Being a twenty-something single in the dating scene, it’s pretty much a well-known fact that every guy watches porn. Not just sometimes. On a regular basis.

That, is the heart-sinking state of our generation.

And the worst part? Is that it’s not even considered sad or even taboo. Porn is not something that people are even blinking an eye at anymore…it’s considered normal. Heck, what’s abnormal, or even something to be ashamed of, is if you’re a single guy and NOT looking at porn.

Now, I want to pause and say that I know that porn addiction is definitely something that women struggle with too. And I don’t want to diminish that either.

But this is simply from the perspective of a single young woman, navigating the dating pool of young men, most of whom regularly consume pornographic material.

I am a virgin. You know this. I’m not ashamed of it. In truth, I celebrate the fact that I will be able to give that gift to my husband one day.

And even though I feel incredibly mocked and laughed at and judged by society for that decision, I completely respect other people’s decisions when it comes to their love life. To each his own. No judgement here.

But obviously, there is a lot about sex that I don’t know. Not only from lack of experience, (duh!) but also – I am not well versed in “porn.” And honestly, thank God for that.

But I think that’s how a lot of kids get into porn. A curiosity of the “how to,” logistical aspect of sex leads them into the dark world of porn, where they’re exposed to aggressive sexual behavior and twisted fetishes and down the rabbit hole it goes. Couple that with an obsession with the behavior one typically partakes in while watching porn, it’s no wonder that so many people struggle with a true addiction to it.

I’m going to be honest: knowing that my future husband will have most likely watched porn, it terrifies me. Not from a judgement standpoint. Or from a fearing-for-the-state-of-his-soul standpoint. But honestly…from the state of an insecure girl, fearing that I will never be “enough” for him.

Sex is a beautiful thing. I mean, the very first commandment God gave Adam and Eve was to “Be fruitful and multiply.” And he wasn’t talking about tending the Garden of Eden, either.

It is the most intimate expression of love. And the thing about porn, is that it has taken that good and beautiful thing, and stripped it of its dignity and purpose (love and procreation), and deduces it to a brash tool to be used for selfish gain.

It literally objectifies women, and perverts a sacred union between man and woman, in order to satiate the lustful appetite the porn industry, and society, are pandering to at a younger and younger age.

This isn’t some book report on the harmful effects of porn. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize that, Yeah, if guys watch super sexually aggressive porn, they’re more likely to act out aggressively. Or that, Hey, if guys spend hours and hours in front of porn, that they’re not going to perform as well in person. Or that, Yeah – the porn industry is one of the leading perpetrators of human trafficking. Those are sadly common sense. And I’m not here to bore you with stats and figures.

Not that I want to, but it just…I’m going to feel like a cloistered nun taking off her chastity belt and screwing in a long-sleeved, turtle neck night gown. Not exactly the look you’re going for on your wedding night.

Porn is killing love.

But more than that, it is killing our dignity as children of God.

Because that’s the thing: we were created to love and be loved. God is love. And has placed in us the incredible desire to be seen fully, and loved fully. We were made to be cherished, as a refection of His beauty, and expression of His craftsmanship. And as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to respect one another and protect and defend the dignity we all possess as children of God. That is what love is: wanting the best for someone else. Porn does the exact opposite of all those things: exploiting one another for our own pleasure.

In my research for this post, I found out about an incredible resource for those struggling with porn addiction. It’s called Covenant Eyes. It was recommended by Fr. Mike Schmitz. Basically it’s an accountability software that, once or twice a week, emails your browser history to a trusted friend in your life: your accountability partner.

One thing I learned in my recovery from another type of addiction: anorexia, is that addiction thrives in secrecy. But it cannot exist in the light. So I pray that if you or a loved one is struggling with porn addiction, that you a) know that God loves you no matter what, and wants to help you break this cycle of addiction. And b) you can shine a big ol’ spotlight on this darkness, and root it out once and for all.

Because we were created by love, for love.

Let’s not let porn kill love.

This post was made possible by my wonderful sponsor, Audible. Listening to audiobooks is literally my new favorite thing. I can grow my brain while I cook, run errands, take a walk, am on my commute. And just for you, they’re offering a Free 30-Day Trial Membership. And with this free membership, you’re going to get 2 free audiobooks! Literally. Free. It is the best deal ever. And if for some reason, you decide it’s not for you, you can cancel within those 30 days and it’s zero money out of your pocket, plus, you get to keep the 2 audiobooks. Soooo…it’s pretty much a no brainer. This is a free and easy way to support this blog! So thank you!!

And if you’re looking for more resources on this topic, why not listen to the Audible audiobook, The Porn Myth by Matt Fradd. It’s an incredible resource, written by a faithful man, presenting a non-religious argument debunking the myths we believe about porn. I listened to a bunch of his podcasts in prep for this post and they are so powerful! (And all the proceeds of his book go to the charity, Children of the Immaculate Heart, which helps support survivors of human trafficking).

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Your blogs are always a treasure to read. Your perspectives are always well thought through. And your faith is always evident. Thanks Your growth continues even when writing about what some may consider a squeamish topic. Is good you are around. Keep at it. John

First, love this post. You are spot on about what porn does to people and, well, almost everything else.

Second, Christ is omnipotent. Never forget that. He CAN bring you a man who hasn’t been corrupted by porn. He can do anything and will honor your purity. He can even bring you another virgin who gives you his gift on your wedding night.

Finally, that same omnipotent God can take away all unhealthy addictions, including healing the damage done to the brain, the unreasonable expectations, etc.

Remember that the man God gives you will be somebody who loves you and LIKES you unconditionally. Take it from me, when you meet that person, nothing can touch how fulfilling ALL aspects of that marriage are.

I recommend reading the book Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, even before God gives you your husband. It has lots of great insights.

I’ve have been the woman that hasn’t been enough because of my significant other’s porn addiction. And like you, even though I am no longer a virgin, I am still scared that I will not be enough for the man I marry. Thank you for this post. I am a Porn Kills Love fighter and this is exactly what needs to be said.

When you find the right guy, you shouldn’t be terrified. Because like everything else the person’s personal character and intelligence level will make the difference. While the guy will most likely have watched porn, the right type of person will understand it’s a fantasy. Not to be carried over into RL.

Love this!! ❤️
When you talked about virginity, I just got a tad bit excited! I also waited until I got married to give my body to my man. It was the best choice of my life!

It’s really scary being in a porn infested world. It’s even scarier the divorce rates and abuse that goes on. It’s enough to make a girl afraid of men and terrified of marriage! My man was affected by the society, but it wasn’t anything he didn’t overcome with the help of Jesus!

However, as a girl whose been there and done that, I’m so glad I waited! He’s so glad he waited! We are so glad we serve a forgiving Jesus! Kudos for you for not giving in! I just want to say that people who wait, God has a very personal blessing to give you!

Here is my incredible story about finding pure love in a really dark, scary world. And God’s blessing he gave us!

I am not saying you are right or wrong but how can you say “pretty much a well-known fact that every guy watches porn. Not just sometimes. On a regular basis.”. You said you never seen porn but then why are you judging others?

My point was that when you said that you have never seen porn, you should atleast have considered that the may be some guy out there who had never seen porn. You made a statement that all guys seen porn and I think it’s judgemental.

Porn is like any other indulgence: there to satisfy a want, and nothing more. It’s been around since civilization began and people painted pornographic images onto pottery for kicks. The only thing that’s different from ancient Greece and Rome is the set of tools by which it is generated and viewed. And like any other indulgence, it’s best taken in moderation. I know of many couples who use it to spice up their sex lives. Others watch it for laughs. And yes, there are those who can’t seem to get enough. That’s human nature.

There’s really nothing to be scared of. It’s an industry like any other, and yes there’s an element of exploitation to it just as in all other industries. Once you realize it for what it is, it doesn’t seem as frightening anymore, and that’s when one can look at it from an objective point of view and come up with effective ways to regulate it so it’s safer for all involved. I see too many people advocate for eliminating it, but as with prohibition on drugs an alcohol, it’s a policy doomed to fail because it doesn’t take into account the myriad reasons people go into it, because as long as people know they can make money doing something society deems taboo, they’re going to do it. We can either apply proper safeguards to minimize harm and hope for the best, or drive it further underground where there are even fewer controls than there are now, and more people get hurt as a result.

You’re quite welcome. There was a conversation at The Real News Network about the topic of decriminalizing sex work versus the so-called Nordic method of criminalizing buyers, and my position was that prohibition has never worked and any policy attempting to address the issue must involve sex workers themselves, who are the ones most affected by any laws passed. Those who favor strict prohibition, whether by penalizing sex workers, buyers, or both, all make the assumption that women are only ever victims, that the only reason any go into the industry is to escape poverty or because they were coerced or physically forced into it by traffickers. But the truth is often much more complex and nuanced. For instance, a Danish study interviewed sex workers in that country and found that the majority entered into it out of sexual curiosity, and half said they considered their work part of their sexuality. In India, where there is a great deal of human trafficking, there is also a significant number of women who, when interviewed, said they did it to escape arranged marriages and that their work in the sex trade afforded them a certain level of autonomy over their own lives.

So, any policy that seeks to address sex work must take all these factors into account, and get input directly from sex workers. An example is in the New Zealand approach, which decriminalized sex work. So far, the result seems to be a drop-off in street prostitution and violence against women experienced a similar decrease. By making blanket assumptions and leaving women out of the equation, not only will prohibition policy do more harm than good by forcing women to continue operating in an environment where the risk of violence, disease, and death is increased, it will also continue to reduce women to perpetual victim status, permanent children incapable of making decisions regarding their own lives. In that way, it’s every bit as paternalistic and sexist as those who believe a woman’s place is only in the home popping out babies and doing household chores.

For my efforts to offer up a more nuanced understanding of a complex issue, I was branded a rapist and a John. And these false accusations came from people who nominally calls themselves liberals. The tendency to enclose one’s self in a bubble and attack anyone and everyone who dares challenge preconceptions is incredibly strong. I think if we approach the subject of sex work, which ranges from porn to prostitution, from an informed, inclusive process, then we can begin to find viable policies that reduce harm for all involved. Maybe, by treating this adult topic for what it is, and by behaving like adults ourselves regarding sex, we as a society can reach that point where we can have that much-needed conversation.

Oh, wow… this hits hard. My youth pastor spoke on porn one night- the average age for visiting porn websites is- wait for it… 8 years old. Oh, my goodness. As a teen girl with an eight-year-old brother, this breaks my heart. Thank you for not sugar-coating it. It’s time for a wake-up call, world… Love your blog!!! 💜💜💜

The average age at which kids discover porn is eleven, not eight. Mind you, three years’ difference doesn’t seem like much, but given how much closer eleven is to puberty than eight, it’s an important distinction. An eight-year-old is not likely to even know to go looking for it, whereas an eleven- or twelve-year-old might hear something and look to see what the hype is about.

But yes, even for so-called ‘tweens, that is entirely too young to view pornographic material. But at that age, it’s important that parents, teachers, and other adults provide the right information about sex and its consequences so that adolescents can make informed decisions and exercise better judgment. I wouldn’t let my kids even have their own phones or Internet access until around age twelve or thirteen, and I certainly wouldn’t let them watch PG-rated and above without being present.

My apologies- still, eleven… how horrible. This world is so broken. I believe that at any age, porn is toxic to both the mind and the heart. Thank you for sharing your opinion- I really appreciated hearing it from another perspective. God bless!

I just finished reading a book by Mo Isom called, “Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot.” It’s a great follow up to this post. It really digs deep into God’s plan for sex, how we’ve screwed it up, and how we can realign to his purpose for sex. And I think it’s a book everyone can take something from: virgin and promiscuous woman alike. Thanks for the candid post, btw. 🙂

I’ve read your blog a long time but never commented. On every post you say something thought provoking, which is rare. I want you to know I appreciate that. I can also appreciate where you come from on your past bout with eating disorder, as that’s a history we share (less common for men, but we are out there).

I can tell you honestly that you have nothing to worry about. When such a quality individual finally finds that right person, I’ve no doubt who you find will know the difference between the act of self gratification and making love to a woman. Even if they’ve previously watched porn voraciously, there’s simply no comparison between that and being with the woman you love.

No, thank YOU. You followed and liked my Ironman blog (which I wouldn’t blame you for not remembering), which led me to your blog. Your posts unknowingly helped keep me centered and focused on that journey, which I can’t possibly repay.

Thank you for addressing this topic! It’s an epidemic and is destroying relationships and marriages. It’s very hurtful and brings out insecurities. I applaud you for your commitment to wait for your committed relationship of marriage! I don’t think I would have regretted being a virgin for marriage. I do regret not being. But God’s grace covers me.

Oh my gosh so much to here. First I want to commend you for being so open and honest. I for one total respect the fact that are a virgin and saving yourself for marriage is an admirable thing is this day and. I struggled with porn addiction for many years and when I turned my life to God; i prayed and slowly recovered from porn addiction. Afterwards I gain automatic respect for women and saw them as human beings as opposed to sexual object. God completely changed my whole thinking around and I hope this will lead me to healthier outlook on women and I can a happy healthly fufilling relationship with a woman that is real and not a pixel on a computer screen. Thank you writing this. I wrote a blog about porn addiction a few days back. I will send you the link. I truely believe that God is working my life and I across this post for a reason. Stay strong in Christ

Thank you so much for this incredible response. than you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad that God brought you out of that addiction! God is so good. I look forward to reading your words. Hugs and love xox

I appreciate your forthrightness on this issue that is too often ignored. The sexual revolution is just the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it? The way this stuff is so easily available to almost every preteen gives me one more reason to be thankful that my child-raising days are past. The minefield out there just keeps getting more dangerous.

edit Oh my gosh so much to say here. First I want to commend you for being so open and honest. I for one total respect the fact that are a virgin and saving yourself for marriage; it is an admirable thing in this day and age. I struggled with porn addiction for many years and when I turned my life to God; i prayed and slowly recovered from porn addiction. Afterwards I gained more respect for women and saw them as human beings as opposed to sexual objects. God completely changed my whole thinking around and I hope this will lead me to a healthier outlook on women and I can have a happy healthly fufilling relationship with a woman that is real and not a pixel on a computer screen. Thank you for writing this. I wrote a blog about porn addiction a few days back. I will send you the link. I truely believe that God is working my life and I across this post for a reason. Stay strong in Christ

I read this with interest. And I found. This is not from only from an uneducated Virgins perspective, this is from an uneducated Christians perspective. 90% of porn stars are women and men who WANT to be there, who haven’t been forced into the industry, and who haven’t had any fake plastic boobs or lip enhancements. They get paid a tonne of money and they enjoy what they do. There is a porn for every person. Female friendly is designed to be romantic, soft, couples, married etc. Yes there is some hard stuff too, but there’s soft stuff. There are female directors and writers. And a whopping 48% of the people who watch porn are women – yes crazy but some women actually like sex!
While you may be of the perspective that porn is wrong and that God made us and sex for a purpose, that does not mean that you will be unwanted or unloved because of porn. You are flesh and blood. You are a beating heart and a woman in his bed, you will one day be a wife. To any man, any sane man, that is 10,000 better than a woman on a screen! Trust me. There is nothing dirty or wrong about sex. It feels good, and with the right person, and the right consent it feels perfect. Porn fills a gap for many people when they’re lonely, but when they’ve got someone, nothing competes with the real thing. 🙂

Hi Charlotte, thank you for sharing your thoughts and joining the conversation. You and I are absolutely in the same boat: there is nothing dirty or wrong about sex. It is a beautiful thing – and one that, as you said – we’re supposed to like it! And i know that when I am married I will too! Thanks again for joining the convo. Hugs and love xox

@Charlotte I agree with some of what you said. There are an increasing number of women who look at porn and those in porn do choose to be there. However, there are some things I disagree with. While people do choose to go into porn, there are certain things they are forced to do. As for porn filling a gap, it doesn’t. It actually causes problems in a relationship. It distorts both men and women views on sex. Sex is more than just a physical act. It’s a joining of two spirits. Why else do so many men and women get heartbroken? Emotions get involved and they get involved when two spirits engage in sex. We maybe in the flesh, but we were created in the image of God. So like God we are also spirits. These bodies we are in, think of them like outer shells.

@Charlotte I think other comments covered most of the response brewing in my head quite well, but what I have to add is this: first of all, (speaking of uneducated) you cannot look someone addicted to pornography’s counterfeit one-sided intimacy in the eye and convince them that nothing competes with the real thing; to them pornography IS the real thing; it is what they have learned, it is 100% risk-free to them, 100% free-on-demand, it costs them absolutely no vulnerability and does not require them to let anyone see genuinely into their spirit. Now you’re right, the REAL thing leaves no room for competition, but the real thing also requires work, and often pain, and ALWAYS vulnerability, and when the real thing costs too much a person will disassociate and go back to the screen every time because fake intimacy is better–believe me, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, it’s not a pretty sight. Porn isn’t a cutesy filler until you get the real thing, it’s a lie and a cheat.

Ok so, 1- loved this post! You’re absolutely right! 2- it for sure gives you an unrealistic look at sex. In my mind I don’t really associate porn with sex. Does that even make sense? Lol like porn is what people do so other people can watch it, horrible acting, and acts that you wouldn’t even attempt. Sex is what I do with my husband. And 3 – can we talk about how awesome Fr. Mike Schmitz is?!? Lol

Thank you so much for this awesome response, Rachael. That definitely makes sense! And haha YES! Fr. Mike Schmitz is literally a rockstar. I have listened to every single one of his podcasts. Every. Single. One! hahah Hugs and love xox

I am presently in a Christian college right now. I was working closely with one guy in particular on a big project and he was just quickly looking something up on his computer. I was sitting beside him, as he opened his e-mail tab to look for what we wanted and I noticed on the side bar along with Sent Mail, Important, etc., the word Covenant Eyes. I had a lot of reasons to trust and respect this guy before, but seeing that, just grew that so much more! The fact that he cares enough to remain pure and be held accountable is powerful.

I agree girl!!! I am a virgin, but even doing things with someone else that gets close to sex will stick with you emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically (definite bonds are made when anything like that is shared with someone, and the pain of breaking up [when a couple is not married] is enough to rip your heart out). BUT, I know Jesus wants to help us let go of the pain and suffering our past mistakes have created, and He wants to redeem those painful experiences and make us pure once again if we let Him. God is Love; may He heal the pain caused by running away from Him (I hope that somehow makes sense). Thank you for your Spirit-led posts <3

Thank you for taking on a tough subject. Porn can make physical gratification the be all and end all of a… a,what? relationship? It turns sex, even for a couple, into little more than masturbation. Now there’s an emerging sex robot industry which I suppose is the logical progression.

I basically used to be addicted to porn in my 20s–I didn’t actually watch a ton of it, but I “played tapes” in my head every day. It was bad. Community and the REAL love of my husband finally broke me out of it. Now I volunteer with an organization called She’s Somebody’s Daughter , and they spread awareness about porn, the sex industry, and trafficking. And they reach out to women trapped in the sex industry and their familes. There is hope!!

hi friend, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad you’ve found that freedom! sounds like an awesome organization. I’ll definitely have to check it out. thanks for passing it along. amen! there is hope!! Hugs and love xox

Interesting post. Before I begin my commentary, I want to say that sex is supposed to be enjoyed only by a married couple (man & woman). Anything else mocks God and His Word. Proverbs 5:19: “Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” So sex is apart of the love and procreation process given by God to us, but to only be enjoyed by a married couple.

Unfortunately porn addiction is rampant in the world, but not just with men. An increasing number of women are addicted to porn too, including some virgin women. Me personally, I guess I’m a walking contradiction. I’m a virgin which is a blessing, but I’ve struggled with porn addiction since age 13 nor do I act like what society says a virgin is supposed to be. I’ll spare you all the details lol. Like any addict, at first I was in denial. Years later when I finally accepted my problem, I quit or shall I say tried to quit. I had too many relapses, I lost count. Even after God told me whom I’m meant to marry, I still struggle with it.

The devil has used porn to distort my view of women. I assume it has the same effects on other men who watched it. On the other hand, it has distorted a woman’s view on men. Not to mention it has aided in women being more promiscuous and somehow having women thinking this lifestyle makes them “free” when it holds them and us men in spiritual bondage.

As you you Carolyn, whatever concerns you have about your future husband, seek Jesus about it. Whomever you are meant to be with, will love you for who you are. As for intimacy, he’ll be understanding so no need to worry. When the Almighty God brings couples together, He always matches people who are perfect for each other. It’s always up to us to continually seek Christ for help in all areas of our lives.

As for me, prayers are needed, but despite my flaws, I will do what the Lord called me to do. I am open, perhaps too open lol, about my struggles. May God bless all who read this.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. It sounds like you are doing awesome, seeking out the Lord and trying to stay the path. Recovery from addiction is a challenging road, but I believe in you 🙂 thanks you for your encouraging words. big hugs to you x

Sex is supposed to be an expression of intimacy (Adam “knew” his wife Eve = Adam and Eve were intimate with each other). A man who is concerned about how good sex with his wife will be can’t focus on knowing her. I don’t know if she (or I) will be any good at it, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it, and we’ll cross it together.

This post speaks volumes and could probably go into much more depth, but I recognize that is not your intent. I think the awareness you bring to this is relevant and there will be detractors – shoot at one time I would have been – but at least the conversation might have the aspect of changing the heart of a person or more. I know reading this, it has given me pause to consider the times in my life I have chosen to live undignified and it makes me ponder if there is more that I can do.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. Yes! I was hoping just to start a conversation. I think we all can do more at different areas in life at different times. I definitely know i can! thanks for stopping by! xox

I agree, and as a single woman who wants to find Mr. Right, I have the same concerns. I try to tell myself that men are more visual than women (as per what turns them on), and that if a man watches a little porn, it’s just a “guy thing.” Ideally, such a man can still love his wife and see the porn as “separate”–physical only, whereas lovemaking is about true togetherness. At any rate, this is what I hope, and what I tell myself.

I HAVE seen porn (although I wish I hadn’t–college dorm-living experience, but I digress), and it’s not “real.” Not remotely. It’s simply sex without the human connection aspect. I fail to see the appeal, but I guess it’s a guy thing.

As for fetishes, I’ve had one since I was three years old (or younger). I felt ashamed for most of my life, but then someone helped me come to terms with its normalcy. But you shouldn’t worry about such things!! I think you’re born with fetish(es), or you aren’t. I’m not sure what the answers are!! A lot of it seems to go to gender differences, but I just don’t know. Here’s hoping you and I both find great guys! 🙂

I appreciate your comments. I agree that porn is a problem. It is often giving young men an distorted view of sexuality. Thank you for your mix of strength and gentleness. I hear your raising the concern but not judging the people caught in the middle of it. Bless you. Roland Legge

Hey Caralyn, this is a great perspective, my recent post, which you must have taken a gander at hinted at the selfishness of fantasy and distorted perception. Any distraction from authentic eye to eye, heart to heart interaction gives us an opportunity to get it wrong and ruin the chance for something real.

The pornography industry is well funded and affects everyone. I worked with sex offenders and every sex crime started with pornography, the thought life and the acting out of what they had seen. It fuels sex traffic and making one an object to be used. The true cost to society is more than the billions made by this industry. Untimely deaths also are a product. People get ensnared in it and it reaps a bad harvest.

Well okay so I forgot to clear my Browser Wow! that many porn sites! I’m way behind but like anything that people let control them or direct their directions it is detrimental. Whatever the vise! it is just a side effect of a another condition, if that condition is not rectified the side effects will just change names bases on what’s available or affordable by the individual.
Porn is for fantasizing it has no place in reality, when I decided to start bodybuilding I give up alcohol, I give up cigarettes but even a more herculean task I give up Ice Cream Damn! I still have some issues with that one.
I will say don’t get side tracked with side effects there is a condition that needs attention but people can cut back on some of those porn sites, it can’t be harder than Ice Cream.

Great post girly! Thank you for shining a light on a very under discussed topic, especially in Christianity. Sometimes we as Christians are afraid to talk about the real things that real people deal with on a regular bases. And I’m afraid that we’re losing an entire generation because of our silence. I was one who used to be addicted to sex and porn before the Lord set me free. Sex gave me a false security. I thought it would heal my brokenness but it only added to it. I found out that only Jesus can heal! Thank you again for sharing your thoughts 😊

Porn is an industry whose business model is centered around one of the primal urges, that is sex. There is curiosity to see a female / male body and let ones imagination fly. In many countries, it is said if a porn is watched behind closed doors and by consenting adults, what is wrong. That is liberal view. Practically, in many countries where social values are different, easy and free access to porn on mobile smart phones has created a lot of problem. Watching a porn behind closed door or in your phone is not a one off event. The pictures, the storyline stays in an individuals mind. In many cases people want to emulate what they see. We have seen terrible rape cases of children where objects were inserted in private parts. One may argue this has no direct link with watching porn. But you watch once, the picture keeps coming back again and again at different states of mind, and once in a while someone decides to experiment with an unwilling and inexperienced partner. There lies the problem.

Thanks so much for this informative and powerful post, Carolyn. I really liked it becuase this is something I too deal with, so it’s great to once again discuss a topic that I am privately still ashamed of doing.

I like when you said, “And the thing about porn, is that it has taken that good and beautiful thing, and stripped it of its dignity and purpose (love and procreation), and deduces it to a brash tool to be used for selfish gain.” And I wholeheartedly agree with you.

One of the best quotes that I like in this post was when you said,

“Porn is killing love.

But more than that, it is killing our dignity as children of God.
Because that’s the thing: we were created to love and be loved. God is love. And has placed in us the incredible desire to be seen fully, and loved fully. We were made to be cherished, as a refection of His beauty, and expression of His craftsmanship. And as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to respect one another and protect and defend the dignity we all possess as children of God. That is what love is: wanting the best for someone else. Porn does the exact opposite of all those things: exploiting one another for our own pleasure.”

I also like when you said, “… addiction thrives in secrecy. ” because that addiction we as people have could also come from a place of isolation. Isolation and Addiction can go hand-in-hand.

First, I had no idea that this was so widespread. Maybe I’m just naive because I’ve never watched porn (though I’m no saint either…I have my own baggage), but I looked things up and saw that 81-85% of young men (plus nearly 50% of women) watch porn at least once a month. Yikes!

There’s more I can say, but I don’t really feel comfortable posting everything else I can say in a public forum. Everything else I do have to say will be sent via email in a moment.

Yes. All of this. Not only do many of the people around me laugh at those who are out of touch enough to say that pornography is bad, but they say things like we need to teach our children that pornography and prostitution are acceptable career choices because everyone should feel empowered in their sexuality. This can’t end well.

If you will permit me, I would like to share my story. I have been married to a lust addict for nearly 46 years, and the impact that has had on my life and on our marriage has been devastating. But, God’s grace has carried me through it all, even through the times when I failed miserably. Yet, we are still married, and I am still believing God for complete deliverance for my husband and healing for our marriage. https://walkingwounded.blog/i-married-my-dad/

People who make light of the dangers of porn use have no idea of the devastating impacts this has on the lives of those who become addicted to porn, on the lives of their children and their grandchildren, and on the marriage relationship, and on the life of the spouse of the one addicted to porn (or to lust in general). And, the fact that porn is so readily available now, even to young children, is horrendous! I have 14 grandchildren and it pains me to think that many of them have probably viewed porn and of the devastating affects this will have on their young minds, and on their lives, and on their future marriages.

Lastly, we must remember here the words of Jesus where he said that if a man (and I believe this includes women, too) looks at another with sexual lust (and this could be same sex attraction, too), that one has already committed adultery in his or her heart. So, God considers porn viewing as adultery. And, porn viewing often leads to acting out in various ways, too. You have no idea the number of married men addicted to porn who have also engaged in homosexual relations, and who have had extramarital affairs (multiple ones) and who have gone to prostitutes, too, and some of these men are pastors of churches.

Hi Sue, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad His grace has seen you through. I will absolutely keep you both in my prayers. That is so true – the impacts really are devastating. My heart breaks that you know this from such a personal place. So true. Thanks again for the bravery in sharing your story. You are such a strong woman. Hugs and love xox

Thank you! And, thank you for the prayers, too. The bravery and strength come from the Lord, and not from me, I guarantee you. I don’t have it! I am spent! But, God is good, and he is faithful, and he keeps on giving me all that I need to keep going, and to keep trusting, and to keep loving and forgiving. So, all the glory belongs to him.

I think Porn can be very destructive if the person watching it doesn’t understand that it isn’t real. I don’t think Porn itself kills love, but the people watching it allowing it to do so. This is a tough subject though, because growing up I always thought watching porn was bad, so I felt terrible afterwards because it was a sin and I grew up in a religious house. This kind of tethered itself to masturbation so even now I feel a bit odd inside afterwards. Masturbation is fine, but needing to watch porn to do so can be destructive. Loved the post. I’m surprised this is the first time I am reading. 🙂

Thank you so much for sharing your viewpoint on this issue, and giving it the well deserved attention it deserves. Porn addiction nearly cost me everything, my wife, my job, my life… it all nearly ended and it is only through the saving grace of Jesus Christ that I am free. Not free of addiction, not free of temptation or urges, but free of the bondage it once held over me. In fact, one of the most important aspects of my ministry is to help other men break free from that same bondage. If you don’t mind I would like to share some articles with your readers, in the hopes that someone might be helped on their journey:

Hi Keith, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad Jesus pulled you out of there! Amen – His saving grace! Thank you for passing along these powerful resources. You are amazing! Hugs and love xox

This is an extremely relevant issue. Everything you said about porn is right. I had a friend whose life and family were destroyed by it. He stated that he wished he would have reached out to someone when he first got hooked. I apologized if anything I said or did made him think that he could not speak to me. During that same time, God sent a recovering porn addict into my life. After being tossed aside by many churches, I preached restoration and hope. My prayer is that churches will become safe havens for those who struggle with porn, eating disorders, or any other issue. We need to be about restoration as outlined in Galatians 6:1.

I don’t think you need to be terrified. For most guys porn is not an addiction, it’s something that they indulge in from time to time and they have no interest in their wives behaving in such a way. I’m not discounting the negative effects of pornography on society or the role it plays in marital problems–it’s bad; it can be harmful, even poisonous.
That said, I’ve watched a pornographic movie; my husband’s watched way more than that. Yesterday we celebrated our thirty-second anniversary. We are Christians. Our children are Christians. We are happy and productive citizens.
For what it’s worth, my experience with this stuff is the more uptight, rigid and sexually unmerciful a person is, the more likely he or she has a secret porn life. You can pretty much bank on it.

There is a couple Navy Seals that make porn. Eh. I. Was involved in the porn industry. Let the hating begin. I needed extra money. Really really bad. I was in the military and the pay there is, awful. My ex wife was at University and lost her scholarship for marrying me. $30,000 a year is hard to do. I would be naive to say it wasn’t a part of why we divorced. It’s hard to trust someone that spends time with porn stars. Trust. Has a lot to do with love. Not all porn stars are human trafficking it’s heavily regulated. The stigma creates heavy regulations. Sex trafficking occurs more often in local massage parlors which do not have the same regulations but do offer, similar services.

The reversal. You do print ads and men are actually exploited and paid considerably less than women.

Hi Kenzie, thank you for sharing that. No hating here! I’m sorry that you had nowhere else to turn during that time you needed money. You’re so right about that – trust is the foundation of love for sure. Thanks again for sharing your story. I was unaware of the massage parlor thing. Sending massive hugs to you friend xo

Thanks. I did make amends for what I could do. I wrote it out a few years ago after talking with my priest and that was where you found me. When I was done. I deleted it. Like Odysseus nearing the island of Lesbos.

I saw that Dr Phil reference up there. Clever. Yeah. A couple cops I know bust parlors from time to time. I went once in San Francisco as the mark.

Maybe the past stopped you from being loved. It did for me. I look at it like, I can only promise I won’t give up. As far as looks well, I’m not crying about it. Never said I was an angel. 😁

Thanks. There is a question though. I agree that porn is not helping. Eros is now Love. He was originally God of the void. Would it be reasonable to take intercourse back? It, well sex, could be a healthy expression of love and maybe a little less taboo…for everyone. I just think we could do better in addressing that need for understanding. That you can be Christian, you can fall in love, you can also have great sex.

Wow! That’s a frightening statistic! I want to thank you for writing this post – it came at a very appropriate time for me. I will explain, but first of all, you’re not alone, I have never seen porn either (nor will I ever!) I don’t think that EVERY man has seen it either. Okay, so what did I mean about this being an appropriate time ? Unfortunately, my 15 year old son. 🙁 Yep. It looks like our overprotective, Catholic parenting backfired somewhere along the line.

My son has only had access to the internet for about three years and in that time, he allowed his hormones to do the surfing! My husband and I were shocked! (he hadn’t even had the “talk” yet !) We have since put every block we could on his computer, and thankfully, he really DOESN’T want to see that stuff anymore. I know because we have had several heart to heart talks, and he regrets his actions. He has confided in me that so many things in our everyday life trigger those images that he is desperately trying to forget! Things like seeing a girl or lady who may be wearing tight or low cut clothing can trigger those images in a flash. We have had to avoid attending swimming parties for that very reason. Our society which promotes immodest dress doesn’t help much either. He is a good boy, but like you said, it is an addiction, and one that he is trying to overcome.

Hi Joy, thank you so much for sharing your story. Yeah, I read another stat that said that the average age kids are exposed to porn is around 8 years old. How sad is that. It sounds like you are great parents. Your son is lucky to have a fierce warrior in his corner as he fights the fight. I’ll definitely keep him in my prayers. Hugs and love xox

Amazing post ! It is the sad reality that these sites are destroying homes, societies and mainly abusing women in amuch scale around the world .the negative impact of these sites is huge in our lives .stick with purity .Becoz God Almighty has created us with his own hands and and shaped us beautiful .stay away from porn , respect women and love yourself .

Girl, yaaassss!!! This is a subject that many won’t touch and I’m not sure why. If many aren’t ashamed of their porn usage, we shouldn’t be afraid of calling it out for what it is: a perversion of something that wad meant to be the most beautiful and intimate moment between a woman and a man.

My husband has struggled with porn for many years. For the longest time, I blamed myself thinking that there was something wrong with me! Maybe I wasn’t skinny enough, tan enough, I wasn’t funny or interesting enough, maybe he found me repulsive! But it wasn’t until this past year that I learned how porn can literally rewire someone’s brain. They cannot perform with their partner in real life because they don’t get the instant gratification and they def aren’t getting the over exaggerated reaction! My heart was broken. But I realized that my beef isn’t with my husband, it’s with the enemy of our souls! I continue to pray that the Lord would break those deeply rooted strongholds and love my husband despite his addiction.

It’s important to me to say that your blog is lovely and that it’s true you might be a touch taboo, but not for the reason of your innocence, for the other reason that you can infer. I am a ton older, relatively speaking, and I did a lot of the little arts education I have in the actual 1990s (!), but I remember what my European film prof said about the Internet, in the year 1999, to our class, and he was a young middle-class white Brit, he said about the Internet that the Internet– was positively ridiculous. To be ignored! That was a long, long time ago… but there is a popular English film of several years ago that might inspire you on this subject: “An Education,” an upbeat film about a smart and idealistic virginal English schoolgirl in the 1960s who (spoiler!) falls in with a grifter who wants her for her virginity. He isn’t exactly an antagonist, there is a chance he is genuinely in love with her (… you have to decide for yourself!) but it touches on the same awkward struggle you are describing here in this very outspoken post you’ve written. I mostly want you to feel better.

Thank you for this post. You are right on, in so many ways! You might be surprised to know that I was a former addict to porn. It nearly cost me everything! The greatest news is that there is power to deliver us from every sin and addiction (Jesus!). Porn is destroying lives. It nearly destroyed mine. But today, I am free because I now know who I am in Jesus (and I am a new creation!). Life is more enriched and beautiful and I am letting go of all the bitterness and frustration that made my addiction so easy to “follow.” Thanks again for taking on a tough topic… and for doing it with such wonderful insight (as usual!) M. A.

Thanks so much MA for this powerful response. I so appreciate you sharing your story. Amen – I’m so glad that He delivered you!! That is such an incredible testimony. Cheering for you friend. Hugs and love xox

It is said that in our mind there are 5 thieves stealing our attention and eating up the food for our soul we get from our creator. These are: Lust, Greed, Hate, Ego and Attachment – with lust as the strongest from those dark sides. As we all are in the making we also make mistakes and have our shortcomings here and there, as you had yours when you had your addiction. It should never be to late also to forgive a person who made mistakes too – to forgive him or her too as Saints say: “Every Saint had his past and every Sinner his future…” This demonstrates that we are in the making to become better – at least some day. Some need more time, others less depending on their background and experience they had to go through.

You have written this subject with your wonderful heart and love your honesty and innocence in it. Sex does not contain love, but love contains sex. Sex alone is lust and belongs to the 5 thieves in us, stealing our attention and soul food. A time comes when a couple want to have children and found an own family – this is all fine and ok – for this purpose we are given different sexual organs – but it is not the main purpose of our life – the main purpose is that wife and husband help each other on the way back home. After children are set into the world sex should not find space anymore as it would be lust, to run after the pleasures of the mind – then another kind of love begins which is beyond body and flesh – it is said: love begins in the body but it does not end there… unfortunately when it stays there, then again it is lust…

So thank you very much for your courage too to bring up this subject, dear friend. You have my full respect and appreciation.

All good wishes on your path and some day the right one may enter into your life.
Hugs from my heart to yours
Didi

Excellently done, pretty lady. Wonderful insight from a woman’s view. I wish more young men knew how the idea of porn affects real women.

With your insight, I’m probably preaching to the choir, but had a few thoughts I hope will be an encouragement.

“But obviously, there is a lot about sex that I don’t know.” Wonderful! You’ll have something to explore with your very blessed husband on your wedding night! Porn is fake. Anyone thinking they can learn anything about sex from it is sadly mistaken.
And BTW, there are people who’ve been married for 25 years who don’t know squat about sex. Everything you said about sex is true, the greatest form of intimacy between a husband and wife. We’re not born knowing that, but if that true intimacy is our goal, God can and will direct us. And there are many Godly people out there who can share what they’ve learned in their journeys.

“But honestly…from the state of an insecure girl, fearing that I will never be “enough” for him.” Wow. Every man needs to hear that. I’m still single, and I pray every day that God would bless me with a wonderful, Godly wife. The thought that she had that fear would tear me apart. Any woman that knows and loves Christ is more than enough. The man that thinks otherwise is the one with the problem.

“How is a virgin supposed to compete…?” Believe me, there is NO comparison. Real beats fake EVERY time. Any man that can’t see the difference isn’t worth the effort. I guarantee, the man God chooses to bless with you will know how fortunate he is. And don’t worry about the turtle neck gown. Godly women can make a burlap sack look sexy. 😉

Father has it all under control. He’ll make a way in His time. Still praying for you and your respiratory problem.

Thank you so much Kenneth. And gosh I’m so touched by your encouraging words. Yeah there’s definitely a lot of insecurities that I think every person carry with them, be it about one thing or another. Amen to that – Father really does have it all under control 🙂 big hugs to you friend xox

Hey! Very well written post! As someone who struggles with porn, I felt no judgment reading it because I know you had your own struggle with an addiction. Many men have or do struggle with porn but not every; they are out there and you can find yourself such a man! Your super awesome! Much love!❤️❤️

A very thought provoking post. God is the originator of good things and sex is one of those good things He bequeathed to the human race. God is a giving god, and sex is about giving. Giving to each other. Enter the great deceiver satan and the Geneses fall of our original parents. He told our parents he had a better form of government, a better way of enjoying ourselves. He’s a master of counterfeit. Marriage is one of the things he’s messed with and we don’t need to go into that as we are dealing with your porn issue. So what did satan offer as his counterfeit alternative? Instead of giving as God intended he offers taking as the ultimate satisfaction, and while porn is about I want selfishness its only one of his offerings to gratify self rather than give of self. Look at the world, wars because of selfishness high corporate benefits while avoiding legitimate taxes which help the poor in various ways. Add to that addictions and exploitation. The list goes on. God’s way giving, peace and safety, satans way taking discrimination and fear. God is going to have to deal with the situation eventually so that all who want to live a pure life (which we can’t do in our humanity) get their desire, and those who prefer satan’s selfish environment will be dealt with along with their master. Better we practice trying to live a giving life then isn’t it? When we do that we will be weaned away from destructive practices.

Great article, it blessed me to hear your words! That you stand up for holiness. I have such a beautiful awesome sexy wife, so I don’t need to look at any other woman! We have 7 children to prove it!!!

First of all–well, you’ll understand better in a minute, but while I like the idea of porn being an addiction comparable to drugs, I’ve never seen legitimate studies to prove that – in fact I recently read an article suggesting pornography really doesn’t affect the brain in the same way that drugs do (as shown by EEG).

That being said, years ago I read testimonials from men free from 10, 15, 20 year pornography addictions and I said to myself ‘No way, I’ll never be in that long, this is just a temporary little thing’ and then waking up after 12+ years going ‘something’s gotta give…’

The thing about porn is that it offers a false intimacy, and a false fulfillment to match. The reality is, Caralyn, you won’t be able to compete; there is no competing with porn because it promises on-demand intimacy–no partner, no complications, vulnerability and being genuine to another person become completely unnecessary. And that means chances are if your husband (hypothesizing now of course) happens to be a porn viewer, he is going to have to completely re-learn intimacy to be with you and that’s why I say you can’t compete because true intimacy isn’t a one-way single-user street and it is nothing like porn because it involves seeing into another person, and being seen. Talking, often fighting, and resolving fights. It isn’t easy, and a porn viewer’s first reaction is likely going to be to disassociate with you and go back to the computer screen (believe me, I’ve found myself there) because that is where intimacy is gotten without personal cost or loss. Do that long enough and you WILL train your brain (and other vitally involved organs–e.g. impotency anyone?) not to respond to true intimacy, and because porn IS false intimacy, you will need more, and more, and more, because it never will be enough.

I’m actually beginning to think that maybe the addiction label–while at face value seemingly accurate and perhaps effective in showing the magnitude of the problem–is actually not helping our porn-saturated society because the addiction label addresses a will-power problem (never mind that scientifically ‘addiction’ really may not be accurate) when the intimacy problem–which is a legitimate need for every single person–isn’t that simple. But solve the intimacy problem and porn loses virtually all its power.

I’m speaking strictly from experience of course–it’s not exactly scientific 😉 but you–and every else, particularly those without education or experience about it–really need to understand that pornography is not more powerful than drugs because of what it allegedly does to your brain; pornography is more powerful than drugs (I believe) because while it is a counterfeit coin, it so much more closely falsifies the real thing than any other substance; it calls on on natural and good desire for something we NEED, and subverts it to something fake and unsatisfying. But the thing here is that you can’t focus on the counterfeit. If your some-day-husband is saturated in pornography Caralyn I’m sorry but programs and software and accountability may not help him. I can almost guarantee it, because if you focus on the counterfeit it will always overshadow the legitimate. And don’t get me wrong, the programs are all well and good. But they aren’t the answer. Intimacy is. Connection is. Love, once again, is the answer. (:

Hey Carson, thank you so much for sharing your story. Yeah it really is an addiction. False intimacy and false fulfillment – those are powerful forms of deception. That is such an interesting thought. The counterfeit coin example really hit home with me. I love that – love is the answer. Carson, thank you so much for having the courage to share this and for offer your insight and help. Sending so much love and hugs xox

As always, you’re welcome (: and one last word – don’t be afraid of this. Fear kills intimacy. Yes, statistically basically every man–and many women–you pass on the street have viewed or do view porn. It is not a small problem, but it is not one to be afraid of because when you look together into the intimacy you can share, together, when you practice intimacy with one another and with Jesus as the author of all intimacy, pronography becomes a much, much smaller draw. I don’t say nonexistant, but living bravely in the real thing daily simply leaves no room to desire something fake and fleeting. And you WILL be his anchor–but not in the way you may have been thinking before (:

For years, every piece I have read on porn has been written by someone who 1. had battled with a porn problems; 2 had his or her life destroyed by it; or 3. both. Kudos to you for being the first person to give such a refreshing outlook from a side none of us would have ever seen coming!
First, although I absolutely adore my lovely bride of 16 years, I must admit ashamedly that I am no stranger to porn. That’s right, this ordained minister and “man of God” was once in so deep that between Bible studies and church it was hiding my browsing history until one day I got caught.
I was shocked to find how many other clergy are in the same situation. (No, I am not excusing us/them, just stating facts). We read in Romans 6 and 7 that while we will always have the old sin nature in us, we do not have to be slave to it. This is a decision we make, and make daily.
As for you being seen differently for never seeing this filth, I am so glad you haven’t. It only cheapens the beauty of what God wants for you and your husband when the time is right. Whether he has or has not seen pornography or not, been with another woman or not, the life the two of you will be made fresh and new. You are a beautiful flower that has bloomed into the inspirational young woman you are today. Thank you for all you bring to my life in these messages. I think I speak for many when I say this.
Love and Blessings,
Jim

Hi Jim, thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. You’re so right – our sinful nature comes in many different forms and the evil one is always trying to lure us back there. Thank you for the encouraging words. It truly means so much 🙂 keep up the good fight my friend. Hugs and love xox

Porn is a real struggle for a lot of us . It definitely made me objectify men because of it . That’s what porn does , you don’t look at them as humans you look at them as objects for your selfish desires. That stuff doesn’t go away when you get in a relationship . It’s been 10 days since I’ve looked at porn , I know it’s not a lot but it’s a victory in my book , thank God!!I know God is going to set me completely free from it. Thank you for talking about this!! As a Christian woman I felt so much shame because of it but not anymore 🙌 Have a blessed weekend 💕💕

Thank you so much for sharing this powerful insight. And congrats on your victory!! That is no small feat. I know from my own addiction with anorexia that every single day you wake up and have to decide. It is a muscle. And amen! No shame!! Every single person has something that they’re struggling with. And no “one thing” is “better” or “worse” than another. The important thing is to know you have people in your corner cheering you on as you fight the good fight 🙂 Day 11 tomorrow!! You got this!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼 Hugs and love xox

I don’t comment too often but I just have to say your last few posts have been just so amazing. I pass them on to various people I think might be interested. Your viewpoint is SO refreshing and right on the spot. You must be an oddity at a millennial party…like some weird neanderthal who has been transported from the 17th century and just doesn’t fit in with current philosophies of culture. You may be rare but you are not alone.

May God bless you in your endeavors to find a husband who has not had his mind filled with images that don’t go away. Miracles are His specialty!

Filters: There is also Integrity Online.

One of the things you didn’t discuss is one of the main reasons that porn is addictive are the chemicals that are released during arousal. These are bonding chemicals and are as powerful as just about any drug out there and just as addicting.

Oh my gosh what a kind thing to say. Thank you. And I am so touched that you would pass them along. Hahah yeah I definitely don’t hold the same beliefs as a lot of my peers. Thanks for that great resource. And yes! Great insight. Thanks again! Hugs and love xox

A really thought provoking and well written post. Just a couple of points and just my opinions: 1. Sex can be pleasurable without love; it satisfies a completely natural need. 2. Enjoying sex or watching other people have sex on screen is nothing to be ashamed of, why be ashamed of something if it gives us pleasure and doesn’t hurt anyone else? 3. Porn is like any other film insomuch as it is a reflection of fantasy and the actors and actresses are chosen according to their physical attributes that can best fulfill those fantasies – the same way that Reese Witherspoon is often cast as the quirky love interest or Angelina Jolie, the tough but sultry love interest. You are not threatened by these screen portrayals I assume and don’t feel that you will never be as worthy of love as their screen characters, so why feel threatened by an actress in a porn film? 4. Porn films (at least the good ones) give a far more accurate portrayal of sex than mainstream films that show it as passionate but romantic union, two people acting in perfect symmetry, elegantly working their way to mutual delirium. In reality, it can be funny, awkward, messy, intensely pleasurable, utterly satisfying or a complete let down! 4. Porn will not kill love; if a man or woman watches porn it doesn’t mean that their love for their partner will diminish in any way; although sex is better when you love someone (because you can be open, honest and uninhibited with them), love and sex are two different things – one satisfies the needs of our hearts and the other the needs of our bodies.

First of all– your tone is very respectful and level-headed, which I greatly appreciate!

I also want to reiterate a couple of things Caraline mentioned, not out of judgment, but because I think they’re SO important: Porn does, indeed, hurt others on an intimate and societal scale and porn can also hurt oneself.

Thank you Donielle, I believe that the only way we can have true discourse is to have respect for one another’s views 😊 I will have a look at the articles that you mention. The only thing I would say is that it’s important to draw a distinction between sex trafficking and violence and porn films. I do accept that some people become addicted to it and I can see that it could become destructive but if someone has an addictive personality then I think that in itself could be enough to cause problems. Thanks to you for you friendly response :o) x

There is a whole spectrum of ‘depravity’ we can observe in human nature because our ‘human’ nature is tainted by original sin. So depravity is the symptom. Porn or whatever depraved act is the ‘sickness’. The truth is out there. Hope u get well soon😁

I too have not been a big fan of porn because of my childhood. I was forced to watch it with my father. I won’t get into all of the other details of my childhood, but that was just a small aspect of it. I am actually about to start writing a book about it. But through lots of therapy and discussions with my husband, my views have changed slightly. It still makes me uncomfortable but I can see some upsides to it. I’ll spare the details but it has helped strangely enough to discover my boundaries with sex. What I’m willing to try and others where I say, um no. The videos that I have watched with my husband is just normal couples trying new things and not degrading towards one another. But and this is a big BUT, I see your point. It is scary to think their are young children watching this material, when personally I think they should be having these discussions with their parents. I think this is part of the problem too. Parents refuse to talk to their children, be open-minded and remember what it was like to be curious about sex or having that first crush and wanting to kiss them etc. It’s normal human behavior, but some parents just shush their kids and assume they have all the answers. Talking about sex/porn with my daughter will be difficult when that day comes because of my past, but I am grateful to have a husband will be able to step in and answer questions I won’t be able to. Porn addiction is definitely becoming an epidemic. Thats why we need to keep having these conversations, kindly speak our opinions and try to come to a neutral ground. But like I said before, I truly believe it starts with open discussions between children and their parents.

Covenant eyes is a total scam. It hurts more than it helps and that’s from personal experience. It literally caused me to get creative in how to avoid “getting caught” and only exacerbates the problem.
Porn isn’t evil in and of itself.
For single men who need that sexual release (and we ALL do) it’s just an outlet. Yes it can get excessive lol.. but most guys who watch porn know it’s not real life and understand that’s not how sex actually is (it CAN be but that takes a very progressive couple lol).
Programs like Covenant eyes do 2 things. 1) they force you to put porn on a pedestal by making you admit (proclaim) that porn has power over you and that it’s something you need saving from and 2) in most cases it’s church members who get the app and so other church members (in my case my pastor) becomes the “accountability partner” who receives and email whenever you visit a site Covenant Eyes deems worthy of reporting. This then causes unrest and fear and anxiety that DOESN’T NEED TO EXIST.
The porn industry is disgusting, I agree, but watching porn is just a work of the flesh and isn’t condemned as Paul says that all works of the flesh are “dead works” in God’s eyes, meaning they literally have no part or effect on anything but you yourself.
Sin ONLY has power where there is a “law” to condemn it which gives sin it’s power (1 Cor 15).
Covenant eyes IS that “law” which empowers porn to become something it’s not.
Its simply a hoppy (albeit a kinda gross one) that Christian’s have targeted so as to scapegoat something and get the attention off themselves.
Again… the porn industry isn’t a good thing, but Porn itself isnt bad or wrong. Sex outside of marriage isn’t either. Is it healthy? That’s not for me to say. But it’s not condemned anywhere in scripture and the only people who take issue with it and condemn it are those in the Church, who, by condemning it, give it a place of authority which causes all sorts of perversions.
Anyways. Sorry for the rant but I highly doubt any other commentors had this perspective and i thought maybe you’d appreciate my perspective

Your honesty is admirable!
Two very close people to me have found Covenant Eyes super helpful. And, as a woman who has struggled with some of the insecurities Caraline mentioned, I really appreciate their commitment to not watch porn.

Honestly, I don’t think there is a way of getting around the fact that the Bible says lust is, indeed, wrong. I think it comes down to whether or not you believe the Bible is inerrant and whether or not you believe God’s way is best for us and for others.

Here is just one snippet of Jesus’ words on lust from Matthew 5:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

I have certainty failed to live up to the kind of purity Jesus is calling us to in this passage! Praise God for grace. Praise God for the Holy Spirit’s power in us that enables us to obey.
God doesn’t call us to be “good guys” or “good girls,” He calls us to be holy, conformed into the image of Jesus…through His power and His holiness!

I think you are so right that we tend to elevate sexual sin as be the very worst kind of sin. Jesus bore the wrath of God for ALL of our sins. Lucifer’s sin was pride…and every single person struggles with pride is some way. I certainly know I do. And, I know that I need to cling to Jesus (which is an oh-so-intimate and delightful thing) in order to become even a bit like Him.

Thanks for the response.
In Matt 5 Jesus is speaking to Jews, and Jews under the law.
Jesus actually CONTRADICTS the law all over the place in Matt 5, so there goes inerrancy out the door.
We were never under the law and if you look close Jesus is actually being very coy and sneaky here… he says “youve heard it said ‘don’t commit adultery’ but even if you LOOK at a woman lustfully (under the law) you KNOW you’ve already commited adultery witj her in your heart.”
Then he says that crazy thing about cutting your eye out… which ISN’T A LITERAL COMMAMD Otherwise every Christian would be blind!
Jesus here is showing the difference between God’s law of love and the Jew’s law of Moses.
Moses law was all about appearances and Jesus is interested in the hearts of his people.
He’s doing two things here.
1) showing them all that they are in the same boat (adulterers under the law) and
2)showing them that under the law they are all helplessly condemned and judged and may as well throw themselves into hell (a mythical place that followed the Jews from their time in babylon)
Jesus bore the wrath of MAN on the cross, not the wrath of God.
He laid his life down for ISRAEL not for God so God could get his rocks off beating up his son.
If the ONLY way God could possibly forgive humanity and so welcome us in was to beat up and kill his own son as a sacrifice and you believe that, then that means you worship a false god who is into human sacrifice.
This whole “penil substitutionary atonement” thing is NOT biblical, its just popular because it paints God in colors we like, black and red.

@Rhett Okay so I noticed you used a verse that Paul states, and I think you blew it way out of proportion. Yes, the doings of the flesh are called dead works. It actually means the total opposite of what you say here. It does effect MANY things. You prove the Bible with the Bible, I’ve learned that. You can’t just take a verse and try to make it say what you want it to say. Here is a Bible verse that proves my point.
Romans 3:27-28
“Where, then, is boasting? Is it excluded. Because of the law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith. For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law.”
So Paul is saying here that the law isn’t the only thing that matters now that Jesus has come back. Paul explains to the people that boasting isn’t included in the ‘law’ the Jews carried. But instead, it’s found in our faith in Jesus. Sorta like the ‘Jesus’ law. The Christian law if you will. And the Bible does talk about immorality, and we know from the Word that that immorality includes sex before marriage, or looking upon someone lustfully. Both these things are included in watching porn I think. And even though it is a struggle for many people, does that then make it right? If we truly are Christians then we will obey God’s word, and do everything in our power to stay away from sinful temptations. Now, I’m not one to judge because I’m not perfect in this way either, but I have turned away from these sins and you can do the same. I just felt the need to correct you there, not trying to be rude. God bless!

Lol. Its not a sin if there’s no law condemning it. We were NEVER under the Law, that was the Jews… which Jesus fulfilled and “nailed to the cross with all its demands.”
Now, as Paul says in Romans, we are under the law of Love which says “do not offend, but also be slow to offense.”
“Anything yoy do apart from faith is sin.”
“Anything you do with thanksgiving to god is good and acceptable.”
“All things are acceptable, but not all things are beneficial.”
So, if you do something that others would be offended at, and you do it in front of them pusposefully TO offend them, yes that is sin. Its just common sense.
UNDER THE LAW all sorts of things are condemned… but we are free from the law… we were never under it.
We aren’t even under some made up “Christian” law because all was fulfilled 2000 years ago.
Now we live in the new Creation, the new heavens and new earth, where there is no sin because there is One God and One people… we just haven’t figured it out yet 😉

The new heavens and new earth aren’t here until Jesus’s second coming lol. It says that clearly in Revalation and many other places in the gospels. And there is still sin, and Jesus will come back to make it all right again. I think you are changing the meaning of grace here. Yes, it covers our sins. But if we would read the Word and study it, we would see that grace isn’t supposed to be used to cover up our wrongs as we continue in them. Grace is given to those who are truly sorry and are in the process of repenting. I hope you realize that. God Bless.
Joy 🙂

50 years old never had sex or dated because of extreme shyness and social anxiety always had a fear from abuse when a child watch porn to help doesn’t cause me to think of violence or abuse towards women when I talk to them nor does it make me just want to have sex. Mostly talk and get hugs and kiss with therapy trying to my anxiety and fear of my past maybe dating right now have to fantasize before I go to sleep

Hi 🙂 I enjoyed reading your post! I am doing a blog every day of May and today I would like to do a response to the thoughts that I had when I read this post. Do you mind if I mention and link to this blog post in it? It isn’t a negative or positive review of your thoughts per se but rather what jumped to mind when I read it! Some of it is agreeing and some is looking at it from a different angle, again not necessarily disagreeing! Just wanted to check if this was alright with you? Obviously if you say yes and then change your mind I can delete the part where I write about your blog and link etc!! Thanks 🙂

I met a guy whose friend owns a strip club. He goes there regularly, but not for lap dances and leering. ALL of the girls are troubled with guilt and shame, and he goes to check on them and talk to them. They come in clean and end up with drinking and or drug problems to deal with the stress.

The same is true for the porn movies. These women are looking for some fast money, but they end up paying a psychological price. Even those who have flaunted success and and cash have broken down.

Watching porn is not a victimless, no harm activity. It harms the people who perform in them. But it also hurts those who watch it. Studies have shown that watching porn increases your threshold of arousal over time. In other words, like any other drug addiction, you need more to get your high.

Everything you’ve said here is spot-on and then some! You show great courage in taking on this issue, and I admire you for it!

Thanks for this powerful reflection Jeff. Yeah sadly that’s so many’s stories. Psychological price to say the least. So true. Hurts all involved. Thanks for your support Jeff. Big hugs to you and Julie! Xox

Hi, This was a good article 🙂 You may be interested in a campaign called Fight the New Drug, I’ve found it to be a helpful resource to point people who are struggling to and it has helped me to understand their struggle better and work with them. The most upsetting thing about the statistics is that a study in America showed that *within* the church, 50% of guys were using and about 30% of women. Outside, it’s higher. I can testify that porn is not ‘harmless’ – not to the user and definitely not to the other person in the relationship (never mind the performers). The porn is never the other woman, you are. It’s cheating and there’s no two ways about it. But where there is genuine repentance, there can hopefully be healing and forgiveness. It breaks my heart that this is even a thing, never mind acceptable 🙁

Great post. Don’t let anybody knock you for being a virgin. I wish I had waited till marriage. Lost mine at 23. In my opinion porn does give people a false idea about how sex and your partner should be. Growing up and still a part of the church I truly believe that sex is a gift from God. A gift that was meant to be shared between a husband and wife to bring them closer. But that’s just my opinion.

I don’t usually listen as I listen to my radio while online reading. In any case, your writing is very good. You know your subject and I like to read what you have to say.

Regarding porn, I too was addicted, or becoming addicted, not sure which. But, after a year of trying to stop and failing to, I am now free of it.

I did as Jesus Himself instructed us, I prayed. I went to mass every day, prayed the rosary, went to confession etc., but of great assistance to me was when I located a priest who carries holiness about him everywhere.

And I state from knowledge of many personal experiences, with God – with Him, there are no coincidences!

So this priest’s simple presence boosted my efforts and the weakness of the flesh was finally conquered.
I am ever now also aware of how Satan gets people to sin. He uses one sin to sneak by another, to open and clear the path to allow in worse sin which enters freely because of the lesser sin that opened the way.

Only afterwards is it spotted.

In my case, I one day lost the rag at another driver – simple, everyday driving stupidity from another caught me.

I was busy, fitting everything in to my morning and so did not notice the danger at the time. I just saw red at the other driver’s loony behaviour.

That night, after forty days clear away from porn – I had prayed the novena to Our Blessed Lady twice so I was well pleased; but I was right back in it.

That fall was the greatest wake up call.

I also recalled a dream that woke me two mornings prior where I was looking at St.Padre Pio sitting in his confessional glaring out at me like he didn’t want me near him. I was entirely confused by that – until I fell.

Then I realised he had warned me by his visit to be less assured and to be more careful. I had been convinced that I had beaten porn but my confidence was built on a false premise.

His visit humbled me, once I understood it.

I also understood then what Jesus meant when He told us to watch as well as to pray. We have to watch for the innocuous, harmless-seeming sin that opens clearly the way for Satan just so that we can be damned with him. I think it likely that all heretical ideas are created in this way – including the greatest heresy given us by the founder of the Protestant religion. I pray for them.

So I pleaded desperately with God for urgent help and within days I met that priest who exudes holiness. In hindsight I recall the sequence of events and understand a little better now how both God and the devil are both with us at all times.

If it wasn’t for our guardian angel, the saints and Our Blessed Mother, we’d be damned long ago.

p.s. That software that reveals web history would not be for me by the way but, that’s just me. Do keep writing

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad you’ve broken free from that!! Yes – there is so much power in prayer. Cheering for you friend. And wow what a powerful dream. Wow wow wow. God is good. Hugs and love xox

It’s interesting hearing your perspective about how the concept scares you that your future boyfriend/husband probably will have looked at porn at some point in his past ( I say past because I definitely believe a guy who is deeply involved in porn should not be dating). For guys who look at porn but wish they didn’t, it kills their confidence with real women which is also why we are seeing a generation of men who cannot even approach a woman. I totally hear you about being scared though, and the sad part is the repercussions of porn habits probably scare men even more. There are virgin (and non-virgin) guys out there and for those that are or have been into porn, they often worry they’ve destroyed their future marriage/sex life. It’s a killer for sure. I often call it the silent killer because it’s a topic people are too ashamed to even talk about so thank you for posting about it.

Interesting read. It is a sad state our world is in today. With that being said what you have to realize is you have way more to offer than any of those folks. You have true beauty, both inside and out. If a guy cannot see that it’s his loss. God has a plan for you. Keep staying true to you! The right guy God has planned for you will come. When you least expect it. Have a good weekend my friend!

Well said. “I am a virgin. You know this. I’m not ashamed of it. In truth, I celebrate the fact that I will be able to give that gift to my husband one day.

And even though I feel incredibly mocked and laughed at and judged by society for that decision, I completely respect other people’s decisions when it comes to their love life. To each his own. No judgement here.”

On point again! Such deception in our culture that porn is “normal” and doesn’t hurt anyone. I’m also proud of you for guarding your sexuality—that takes a lot of faith and strength. Blessings to you! Keep it up girlfriend.

Thanks for sharing. All you’ve said about porn and it’s addiction has given more fuel and strength to my resolve to never go back to pornography. The futility and emptiness of porn addiction is what woke me up to how ghastly I had wasted time and opportunity to having a meaning existence filled with love.

Being raised as a Christian, I had zero interest in porn. I thought it was gross, vulgar, vile, etc. My parents were immensely protective. The Internet was limited to school work and learning, and my parents didn’t want me to be on the computer for hours upon hours, anyway. I had the sex talk with my mom on a long road trip during the summer between my junior and senior year of high school. I was convinced that I was going to be a virgin until marriage.

Through my manipulative and abusive relationship from 2006-2010, I sincerely believed we were going to get married after college, so I gave my virginity to him. I don’t remember when I gave it to him at this point – I think it was in 2008. We used protection. But, he liked rougher sex. It hurt me almost every time. I didn’t understand then that sex shouldn’t hurt, ever. I started becoming more vocal when he started pushing down on my neck and holding my neck when I was giving him oral sex. In a way, me vocalizing my opinions and/or desires made everything worse, but oh well. Around this time, during a summer off from school, I foolishly used my parents’ computer to satisfy my curiosity regarding what porn was. I forgot to clear the browser history just once, and my mom found everything. She was horrified, convinced I was a lesbian. We had a long conversation, and we agreed that this would never be told to my dad. I secretly indulged in a few websites for a while, mainly focusing on women in messy situations – Mud, slime, etc. Years later, I realized that I’ve had this association/connection with mud and arousal going to back to my childhood. Back then, I didn’t make, or know how to make, the connection that the physical response I was feeling was arousal.

Now, I don’t have the strong desire to look at it that I once did. Having Al come into my life changed my whole outlook. We talked about porn and everything long before we got married. I did struggle with telling him about my association with mud and arousal for years, and finally gained the courage a few months after we got married.

But, on the very rare occasion that I’m home alone, I’m drawn to one particular website. It always gets me aroused, and then I’m able to carry it out through masturbation, which is something that I’m trying to do more often. It’s definitely helped me become more comfortable and relaxed in the bedroom, and I know it’s helped our sex life. It’s all connected. Having sex is an act of love, but it’s also very much a mental game, and involves many emotions. It’s complicated, and good communication is vital.

So, in a way, I agree with you that porn does kill love. For me, what I view is more of still photos that are set up like movies. With that said, I believe that porn, as a whole, definitely can be addicting. The previous comment about porn re-wiring people’s brains – That makes complete sense. I’m disheartened that the average age has dropped to 8 years old. Wow. That statement alone say so much about our society.

However, I also have hope. You are one of several people that I know who are or have been committed to remaining virgins until marriage. I give you a standing ovation for that.

Hi Laura Beth. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. Gosh my heart just goes out to you. You’re so right – you should never feel hurt during sex and I’m so sorry that your abuser did not cherish the beautiful gift you are. Praise God for Al! Truly your knight in shining armour!! 🙂 thank you again for sharing your journey. Keep fighting the good fight. Yes! So much hope indeed. Sending so much hugs and love xox

For single men today that I have talked to, they struggle with dating because many women like partying, getting high, drunk, and wild sex. A good man who is a gentleman is often a turn off to a lot of women in modern society. What women want a square? Sometimes good men change because they want to fit this bad mold. If a woman is not raised up right she offers a good man nothing. It really is a two way street. Sex really is different for everyone. I have often believed the driver for porn is couples mismatch sexually. If you have one that wants sex one day a week and another in the relationship who wants it twice a day there is a mismatch. The one that is hungry opens the pantry and sees no food. Are they to sexually starve? Porn is also driven by taboo. Sex is SO taboo that we rarely discuss it which drives the secrecy. Many men say sexual talk gets them labeled a pervert. We are not talking about filthy conversation either. How great would it be if someone could say to their date, “I like sex seven times a week. How about you?” Right off they could determine if there is a mismatch. Without secrets, without guilt. No taboo. I do believe if communication were better porn would be less of an avenue for many. Communication breakdown has been porn’s fertilizer.

Your future husband will be receiving a wonderful gift, your virginity! There is no way to get it back once it has been taken from you. Mine was taken by an evil rapist when I was still living at the house in which I grew up. Escaped the rapist by leaving for college out of the state in which I had lived.

Once in a new state, a met many new friends. The last one, I slept with before marriage just to see if sex was as bad as I remembered. Good news is it was better when the gentleman is actually concerned about you! The day after I graduated college, we Said our wedding vows at the church we were both members of the congregation! That was way back on December 16 1995. We have stayed together traveling around mid-western US ever since!

Thanks Jeanette for sharing your story gosh that just breaks my heart to hear that you were violated like that. Gosh my heart goes out to you. Know that you did not deserve that. And that you deserve to be respected and cherished. I’m so glad you’ve found a wonderful husband! Hugs and love xox

I just loved this entry. I did watch porn in college with my friends – but I was also a virgin. I saved myself for my (ex) husband – who didn’t appreciate it at all. But regardless I was proud of myself for staying true to what I believed in. It’s not always easy but it does pay off. You’re going to make an amazing bride and don’t let anyone try and tell you you’re not! Xoxoxox ❤️

Thank you so much Susie. I really appreciate your thoughts on this. And thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry your ex husband didn’t cherish that beautiful gift you gave him. Thank you for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

I appreciate you’re self-awareness of the potential marital discord around unrealistic and unachievable expectations of a porn-watching husband. Having been a naive virgin myself, I suffered for many years under the fear and shame of inadequacy, missing out on the beautiful gift of sexuality God has given us. May the Lord bless you with a man worthy of your purity. 💕

At a Tantra “taster” event, the facilitator asked “What is orgasm?” I was in a group with two women, and offered “Orgasm is a surrender to the healing power of love.” With their concurrence, that was our answer. The facilitator’s response was “Wow. You three are pretty sophisticated.”

The subtle point here is that there is nothing to be ashamed of in sex that leads to that conclusion. It is the method through which a couple becomes “one flesh.” When they separate, people look at the two partners individually and see their love for each other written all over them.

When we honor that bond, it does not end with orgasm. It accompanies us in every waking moment of our lives. This is what those who watch porn are cheating themselves of – they substitute a biological release for the gift of love.

And they are far weaker because of it. There is no one to stand guard in them when the world tempts them with sin. They become Ping-Pong balls batted around by the expressions of sin.

Honoring the gift of love is not trivial. Those that have fallen into corruption – isolating themselves from love – become intensely jealous of the bond. The best defense is to ask, in every situation, “Is this experience going to bring me closer to God?” If we can remain in that frame of mind, nothing can shake our devotion.

A piece of advice an acquaintance gave me decades ago (which I fell short of following myself) may help. Find happiness, joy and satisfaction within yourself, that way when you find a similar partner the two of you may share and increase in the abundance of your joy. Do not look to find happiness from someone else. If you can find, build and develop self satisfaction within your self then you can discriminate and choose a mate with more confidence and wisdom.

I am so happy that some woman on Earth has the same perspective as mine. I thought I would have been termed backward according to my principles but now I know that I am actually standing up to my morals. It was a lovely experience readure your blog. You spoke the truth and the best. It was just awesome. I would really like to connect with you at the personal level.
Do follow my blog if you like it.
2 AM Productions.

Not every man are watching porn, for example my man don’t watch it. I know he doesn’t like it at all. I’ve seen his reactions when these pop ups comes accidentally to screen. He hates those spams as much as I do!!! So you can also find man who don’t like porn! 😁

Porn definitely produces unrealistic expectations of sex in marriage. Porn is staged and fake. Marriage is real life. Sexual intimacy in marriage is to be celebrated and is so important between a husband and wife. It’s God’s beautiful design. Unfortunately, the easy access of porn and society’s downplay of the problem is ruining what is to be understood as true intimacy in marriage. That’s for shedding light on this.

And, I celebrate your virginity with you. I was a virgin when I got married and my husband and I dated for 5 1/2 years. It’s a decision you will never regret holding firm to.

Thank you Mary. Yes! I am feeling a lot better. Not 100% but almost there! Plus my mom just arrived this morning! She’s visiting for Mother’s Day 🙂 thanks for taking the time to read! Hugs and love xox

Porn certainly is NOT the restoration to the fullness of being achieved in a marriage of soulmates. Within marriage there is a sexuality which clarified of its craving and attachment, is truly Eucharistic – “This is my body, given for you” – a drawing near to the other with all that one has and is, in conscious love, to give the innermost gift of oneself in the most intimate foretaste of divine union that can be know in human flesh. Porn soils this and is the absence of both Love and God – in no way can it be “making love.”

Now my mantra is, I’ve gone this long without sex outside of marriage – why would I mess it up now?

I was once in a room full of people, and one of them was going on and on about someone having children and not knowing it. And I simply said, “Well, that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about. I KNOW I don’t have any children.”

The woman speaking says, “Well, you can’t KNOW for a fact. One of your partners may have just never mentioned to you that she got pregnant….”

I interrupted… “No, I CAN know for a fact!”

“Not 100%,” she insisted.

I rolled my eyes. “Yes _____, there IS a way I can be 100% certain that I have no children!” I said, and waited for her to finally catch on.

“Ohhhh, you mean …… so you’re like, gay?”

:: Sigh ::

In another case, very recently, someone commented on a Facebook post that I was fortunate that I didn’t actually want sex ….

I never said anything to suggest that.

But that’s how messed up it is, that people can’t seem to grasp the idea that just because you want something doesn’t mean you should always just take it! They can’t conceive there could be a 45 year old virgin male who is perfectly healthy and has desires, but just has not had sex, because he never got married.

Movies like that stupid “40 year old virgin” sure don’t help matters any. Hey, Hollywood – get it through your heads – no everyone who is a virgin is some nerd who’s always wanted to have sex but just got rejected. In some cases – we had to do the rejecting. And it wasn’t easy.

But on your point about being afraid you won’t measure up. Let me turn that back around for a minute. Do you know how many women I know who read 50 Shades of Grey. And saw the movie? And enjoyed Magic Mike as well? And 10000 Romance Novels before that? And drool over men like Fabio? So – how are WE, men, supposed to measure up? See it works both ways … yes, men have porn and when most people think of porn they think naked women. But WOMEN have porn too; just because they don’t get turned on by sight doesn’t mean nothing gets to them. So they have their romance novels and Fabio and whatever, and then real men don’t measure up to that either.

Thank you so much Vincent for sharing your story. Oh my gosh, what an ignorant thing that woman said to you. I’m so sorry about that. I think it is so awesome that you’ve made that commitment. That’s such a great point. Yeah – I never saw any of those movies either. I just felt an uneasiness about watching something that I knew wasn’t good for my soul. That’s for the beautifully refreshing response! Hugs and love xox

WOW, so many great comments to a great article! Thanks everyone. Little can be added, but I will reiterate that God created sex as a gift for pleasure as well as procreation, but only within the context of marriage. The very same act between man and wife that God sees as pure becomes filthy and disgusting outside the boundaries of marriage.

One additional thought for you and all who are single or newlywed, I highly recommend a book co-authored by by Sybill and Stephen Clarke, Christian Family Guide to Married Love. I ask all couples I see in premarital counseling to purchase this book to find a pure, matter-of-fact perspective that takes away much of the apprehension that many young couples feel.

BTW, my wife and I both were virgins when we married – what a blessing.

Thank you so much Steven! Yes! I have been blown away by the incredible insight and personal stories that people have been so wonderful to share. Amen – it is a beautiful gift! and thanks for the book recco!! Hugs and love xox

Thank you for being bold and posting this. It’s truly and epidemic that is killing love as you said. I’ve had my share of addictions and am actually in recovery right now for drug addiction. I was introduced to pornography at a fairly young age, around 9 or 10 and it’s crazy how much of a stronghold it can get in your life. One thing that has helped me that you mention is the accountability software that I have on my phone, an accountability partner, and having my mindset changed on it. Having a daughter, I couldn’t imagine what I’d do if she got caught up in that world and don’t want to imagine it. One YouTube channel I found that you might like is Fight the New Drug, https://www.youtube.com/user/FightTheNewDrug/featured . The testimonies about those who have been in the industry are so good. Thanks for posting this again, I appreciate that you don’t shy away from touchy issues, we need to be talking about this and in this way.

Thank you so much Peter for sharing your story and for this awesome resource. I’m so glad that you’ve found freedom from that! I think you’re right – it’s a conversation that needs to be had! Hugs and love xox

Well, I’m still in recovery, so I’m still dealing with my addiction. I completed the first phase of my treatment program and am almost to the end of my second phase. I relate a lot with the lying all that you talked about, it’s crazy what addiction does to you! i started treatment in September of last year and am really glad I did. I had almost 7 months clean, but got into my own head again and started feeling like I had it under control and I found out very quickly that I am not in control of much.

I applaud you Caralyn for always giving us your perspective. It really takes true courage to have strong convictions and stand by them regardless of what others may think. It’s rare to find such a strong and intelligent woman who has positive things to say. I truly hope that my daughter can grow up to emulate your good characteristics.

I respectfully disagree with a general bashing of pornography. For one, what is and what is not considered pornography is subject of change and personal point of view, because morals evolve and change and depend on culture and society more, than any objective agenda. Secondly, I really like the definition of pornography from a porn actress, who contrary to what your personal POV may be, is not in it out of a dire need, but voluntarily. It is her profession she has chosen after careful consideration. Her definition of porn, is that it is a portray of sexual fantasies turned into a “scene to be watched”. These fantasies thus exist and people do have them, and enjoy seeing them portrayed. Just as much, as food does not make addictions, pornography does not generate porn “addiction”. I agree that we need to make sure, that people do not get the wrong ideas about human sexuality and let alone intimacy and interpersonal relationships, but blaming all that social breakdown on the pornography or its industry is in My opinion cheap and inappropriete. While some pornography may be gateway to sex trafficing condemning all of it and accusing it of that, is like blaming any chef for food addictions. I understand you feel strongly about this, and I understand you have your set oppinion – so I do not expect you to change your opinion, I am only opening your eyes here, to a different, less accusatory perspective. I will close my post comment with this. The brand “Beneton” has been accused of pornography and their advertisement campaignes censored in muslim countries, because a poster showed a person sticking their tongue out. You see, in some muslim countries, a display publically of the tongue is considered pornography. This is just to show you that something, we may consider benign, can be a horrible thing for someone else. If you do not like to watch porn, dont! Do we agree that porn should not be at the fingertip of children or people of not the age of consent? 100%. But should we demonize and accuse pornography of the decay of all our family values? That is a far stretch and does not do our own power to positively change society any justice. #StrictMotivation

Thank you for sharing your perspective and for joining the conversation. I appreciate you offering these counterpoints. I definitely respect your position, though it differs from mine. I think there’s beauty when we can all come together in mutual respect and hear from one another and foster understanding. So thank you for contributing to the dialogue!! Hugs and love xox

Hi Caralyn! I used a picture you created on my blog post “What I have Learned from Writing about the Chibok girls,” and gave photo credit, but did not ask you if I could use it, first. If you do not want me to use it, I can take it down! I am sorry for not asking before posting it.

I think I shared this in the past; when I was in the Marines I was clowned for being a virgin, for turning away when guys watch and read things pornographic, etc. I was a Christian then (and still am now) and fueling the temptation for men is the pressure from society that says it is “normal” and sometimes even women find it weird that a man of God would resist sexual immorality. But I’m glad I did things God’s Way and I believe He has blessed my marriage much and of course it is by the grace of God both saving grace and sanctifying grace.

Wonderful! Coming from a man who has and is struggling in this area of my life, you’re spot on. The effects of porn are devastating. It may seem harmless at first. I mean, it just a picture or a video, but in the grand scheme of things, it can affect your entire life. It can make you live a double life. It can make you want to experience things that you’ve seen in videos. It can make you view the opposite sex as an object instead of the beautiful treasure that God created and the beautiful act that God ordained between a husband and wife. Thank you so much!

Porn is a destroyer of relationships. I am a Christian man and I refuse to click that link. We are tempted to check it out from a curiosity standpoint but it is the bait the devil dangles in front of us. Men are drawn away by the lust of the eyes, so as men we need to guard our heart by guarding our eyes. I read once that pornography is a major cause of impotence in men because they lose their excitement for the wife of their youth. Pornography is poison that kills relationships, don’t take a sip just to see what it tastes like.

You do a great job on your blog of tackling such tough topics! I thought of 2 different things as I was reading this.
1) I think some men get involved with this because they are either really afraid of actual relationships, or just not interested in “real” women. This stuff is easy – too easy.
2) There are different levels of immoral media, but we don’t really talk about them that much. There is the really hardcore x rated material, but our society also has milder forms such as r rated movies which bring alot of material more mainstream. In this category I would place some modern music which describes 2 people together – or parts of bodies in the lyrics. This creates a culture really of sensuality everywhere we turn.
I have heard of support groups in churches where “brothers” can talk and hold each other accountable. This is a great idea! I know of at least one that is Catholic.
Thanks for your on going courage. Peace.

Gosh thank you so much for your kind words! And I really appreciate you sharing these powerful thoughts. Yeah – Hello 50 Shades of Grey and Game of Thrones! Yikes. Never seen either but I have heard the graphic nature of their content. Hugs and love xox

We live in a porn saturated world and wonder how we have people like Harvey Weinstein walking around…

A priest once told me something very simple and very profound (I think the two often go together): It’s not real. It’s all fake. And that really made me pause because I realized that I could either pursue Something that was fake or I could go on a quest to find Someone who is real. I’m not the spiciest sandwich in the picnic basket but it didn’t take a genius to see which one to choose.

It can be hard but it is worth it. Like Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nothing worth gaining is gained without effort.”

I’ve worked with men escaping from porn for 8 years now, after I made the escape myself. Good news – you CAN overcome it. Like every addiction, it is an anesthetic for personal pain and shame. Physically, it’s a chemical addiction to a regular overdose of natural endorphins. The addict literally needs a fix and knows where to find it. It’s “Petri dish” is isolation and it’s enabling attitudes are the ignorant acceptance you cited and denial at the personal level.

The church, sadly, has generally made matters worse by telling addicts to simply try harder and do some form of behavior modification. And forcing the already shamed people into further shame. The real way out is to have a group of the same gender, same problem and go through the gunk together. One such ministry where this happens is Pure Desire. Not all porn addicts are alike by any means. Some go into debt, some wreck their marriages. We’ve had rapists and child sex molesters in our groups, all come clean through the process – and it is a process.

The destruction porn is leaving on the Millennial generation has yet to be felt. Teenage boys are marinating in it.

For sure there is a way out, and you can have confidence your husband-to-be will only have eyes for you. But if he has had the problem, he can’t bury it or pretend it’s gone till he becomes accountable and gets through it with others.

Wow. Yet another stunning post. Thanks for sharing. Not every guy watched porn Caralyn. I really haven’t even seen the point of it. And trust me, there are quite a few of them. And yes, they love the Lord. But, thanks for sharing. Appreciate your candidness

I have to say I have only just come across your writing just now and can I push the love you are still saving yourself for marriage. I have a lot of demons and I wish I could have waited for my husband but sadly if I had of I wouldn’t have my 5 children who where born before I met him but we still had our daughter and yes she was born before we married in 2012.
As a pretty intellectual woman of sex, demons, porn and the list goes on. I would love you to take a read of some of my work and I will be happy to answer any questions you may have on any subject matter as I do believe you are a very special woman. God bless your heart and your lifestyle plans I do hope you find a loving and deserving man for you to marry

Thank you for sharing this. There is a organization who’s slogan is “Porn kills love” called fight the new drug. They are on facebook. You should check them out and become a fighter or share this post with them.

An interesting post. My first experience of porn was Penthouse magazines under my brother’s bed. Mum was horrified and he was mad at me for telling her. I guess that would have been true for my husband too. Later in a business we owned I was confronted by demeaning pornographic pictures on the lunch room wall. Something my husband and I did not tolerate once we took over. Such a sad indictment of our culture.

I didn’t read your entire piece so apologies for commenting without reading the whole thing. I just want to say I’ve been watching porn in some form since I was 17 as my brother as a single man had some porn tapes. And as I began to learn during the late 90s it was also readily available online also even in it’s blocky low resolution form.

This is one thing I want to quit though for me, it enables me to know what to do with a women once I get her in bedroom. Of course having watched different types of porn over the years I can see some of it perhaps not as objectifying towards women though certainly an unrealistic idea of relations between men and women.

Guys dominate the women and I’m not just talking about bondage porn. The trend I notice even in what passes for mainstream porn is that sometimes the acts depicted are more taboo. And what I see out there is not what I’d imagine the way I’d relate to women. While I still watch porn I know it warps my view of women and dating and it’s definitely something I’d want to get away from in the future.

I really enjoyed this one. I appreciate you coming from an admiral place. However… I think you missed the mark, a little, for why the majority of people watch porn and how they relate it back to their own sex lives. I guess I’ll speak for myself, only. Masturbation feels good and we are visual beings. It’s not so much the fascination with the content, but the way it gets you into that place where you get that excitement. Its hard (or not, he-he) without material. That being said… yes it can become a bit of a routine, but not something I refer back when being intimate with someone. The connections I’ve had with a physical person, especially in those intimate moments, have been well past any fake experience I’ve had in my mind with some whore off Pornhub. AND… I would never judge a woman for not wanting to do certain things or not being a “pro” in the sack based on the smut videos I’ve seen. I think that this says a lot more about broken minds then it does about the addiction to porn itself. I simply look at porn as a gateway to make my body feel good. It’s alright to feel good, I think.

Terrific post! Thank you for keeping it 100% about porn viewership and more importantly the effects on our society. The world makes sin look normal and righteous look strange. Congratulations – continue to hang on to your V card! Men who can’t respect that don’t deserve the treasure that you are!

Your post made me cry… It really is a very scary statistic (although not a surprising one). As a mother of a girl and 2 boys, I teach them to dodge the soft porn commercials and do whatever I can to protect them from coming across hard porn on the internet, etc. I have sooooooo many opinions on this topic too, but I think you’ve done a great job of expressing many of them for me. Thank you! I pray that your future husband is one of the few men that do not and have not indulged in porn. I pray the same for my children… God is able! Don’t lose hope and keep sharing the good news 🙂

[…] haven’t read Part One you can find it here and you can find BeautyBeyondBones’s original post here (I really recommend reading her piece before mine so that you can understand my post more fully). […]

That’s one bold, daring piece to write. Not that it is fiery and angry. But because it is new and different. You stick out like a sore thumb among your generation. Yet, you are like the voice of one crying in the wilderness.

Hey, Sis’. I’ll be honest with you about something: I… was introduced to the ‘porn phase’ back when I was a teenager. An ex of my mother sought to show me something ‘interesting’ on his tv while my mother was at work. Anyways, he showed it, and at the same time, he had his way with me because of it. I look back on my years, and wish I could’ve been… strong. Sorry. I’m tearing up while I’m messaging you. I was raped by my father, molested by a great uncle, and introduced to porn and raped by my mom’s ex. The question I always thought about was: Where did my virginity go? 🙁

In regards for men, be yourself. A real husband will only seek that in you, especially if, he too, is a God-fearing man. The plastic-surgery stuff isn’t worth it in order to draw decent men in your life, especially if their not the ones to notice you first. 🙂 Be strong and keep doing what you are doing. Chat soon. xoxo 🙂

Thanks for sharing your story. Gosh my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry that the man that was supposed to be your most stalwart protector abused you like that. You were supposed to be cherished by him and I’m am just so sorry that you received that horrible treatment. You did not deserve that. I will be praying for you friend. Hugs and love xox

You have lots of comments already, so I’ll br brief. First, I’d be interested in reading the books you recommended. Second, I don’t think the porn industry is all ice cream and lollipops, but I also don’t think it’s evil. Experiences vary. Third, and I don’t mean this in a demeaning way, but you are clearly a virgin. Sex is fun and exciting, but can quickly become boring or routine. Many marriages have staled on sex. Variety, including porn, can keep faithful couples interested in each other, instead of wandering elsewhere. It’s actually a tool to healthy monogamous sex, as long as partners communicate what they want to try.
Fourth, porn addiction isn’t the same as watching porn. At all.
And lastly, I get that you’re viewing sex from a religious viewpoint, but sex is not a magic thing that you have to give only once. If you wish that, I have no issues with it. But just realize that many people have been sexually active and the special part of a relationship is the monogamy, not the magic gift given the first time. After the first time, it’s all the same anyway. And I caution you on this because your future husband may not be a virgin. In fact, highly doubtful. I don’t want you to somehow diminish the feelings he will have for you or the commitment he is willing to accept because he had sex previously.
Thanks, keep up the good work!

Just want to throw in– you can be creative and spice things up without porn! There are people you can talk to and books you can read that use helpful, though not vulgar, language.
I absolutely love the podcast Sexy Marriage Radio. I don’t agree with 100% of what they say, but have found their podcast super helpful and inspiring.
I’m certainly not a sex-pert and I know everyone’s marriage is different, but I thought I’d share!

Thank you, Donielle. I’m certainly not saying porn is a requirement, but I’m also saying to each their own. Some people like talking dirty. Some people like a little tying up. Some people like toys. It’s whatever you and your partner decide, as long as it is mutual.

Thank you for your courage to share. Believe me, not ALL of your generation is polluting their minds with the lust of the flesh. There are men of your generation who are saving their eyes, minds, and bodies for someone who is committed to following Jesus. Wait for one of them and don’t settle for less. God bless your walk with Him. His standards are always best.

Great post..I’m 52 and never watched it , I can tell you still to this day..that is a no go for me in or out of a relationship and a nogo to stay in one….it leads to a child trafficking period..its all investing in the sexual explotation and abuse of young children , not to mention older people that give in for cash, and are striooed of their dignity and shamed for the decisions by the very people that watch it..there are very few things that anger me…this is one that outrages me..I feel like a momma lion ready to rip through the seams that have seams sewed….ughhh I ache for the children and for LOVE that is forgotten.
I will not waiver on this issue and it is a lake of deception and abuse…there is no love in porn..we all have creative minds, use it in love, use it in the most authetic way to shower your lover with truth and if they say your not enough…it’s the reflection of their behavior and run like the wind…

If it helps, I’ll chime in as someone who has had multiple sexual partners and is now happily married for 9 years – sex is a unique experience between any two people. To someone who has the right attitude, there is no such thing as comparing partners. In fact – if you do find someone who decides to compare you to someone else, that’s a HUGE red flag that ought to be a deal-breaker.

TL/DR: If you marry a good man, you do not have to worry about being “good enough.” If he makes you feel that way, check your local diocese for annulment resources (I’m kidding … except I’m not).

In some ways I think porn is more harmful to a person who doesn’t have sexual experience, because they have no context to compare it to; I think when a person doesn’t value the real experience of sex with another person that porn addiction is more likely, just because it’s so much different than the real thing. So for those people that simply can’t value the real experience because they don’t KNOW the real experience, I think that’s where there’s the most risk. Against a backdrop of regular sex with the same or multiple partners, porn just doesn’t hold the same appeal. But that’s just been my experience.

Good post, and I am very glad you have kept yourself pure for your husband only. I was told long ago that a woman like you no longer exists in the world… Hahaha! How wrong they were! Keep up the good work!

This blog is an obvious sales pitch for a book that may or may not be accurate or even well researched. My senior English research paper was on Pornogrphy and it’s relationship to literature. Pornography is defined as something that arouses prurient interest. Lady Chatterly’s Lover by DH Lawrence was once considered to be pornographic. By definition, the 1020’s Sears Catalog could be considered pornographic because many a young boy used the underwear section as fuel for erotic fantasy.

Pornography does not cause loss of love or respect for women any more than video games have been shown to promote gun violence. It is the visual or written expression of the fantasies that go on in the minds of many people. Those fantasies can be a healthy part of love making.

There are many factors leading to the perceived diminution of love and respect within today’s society and I think porn is fairly low on the list.

Hi there! Thank you for your feedback. Just so you know, this blog was not a sales pitch for a book. I receive no profits from it. I was genuinely trying to offer a resource for those struggling with porn addiction. It was coming from a sincere place to help. I would hope that my readers realize that I do not, have not, and will not ever solicit anything to them or use this as a sales platform. That is not who I am. That is not the purpose of this blog. This blog is my ministry, not an advertising platform and anything I do recommend I stand behind and am mentioning it because I think it could help. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

“Or take it another way. You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act-that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you came to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?”

Literally one day prior to my Information Technology internship, I dug up the strength to resist this +10 year habit of pornography consumption:

1) My future 1st wife & additional wives are counting on me

2) It’s now up to me to revive the Albanian linguistic tradition that had been buried alongside both my maternal grandmother [Fawzia] & my polygamous ancestor, Adele (the ethnically Albanian plural wife who gave birth to my maternal grandmother & taught her Albanian)

Good for you Kevin! As a guy, I know it is a temptation that the media and society in general has made more socially acceptable and easier to get. Even mainstream TV and movies show things that were taboo when I was a kid in the 60s. (Herman and Lillie Munster were the first married couple on TV to even share a bed). Stay pure.