Roger M. Wilcox's review of

Evolution

In my original review of
Dungeons and Dragons, I made the hienous mistake of claiming that it
starred the guy from the 7-Up commercials. It did not. Much weeping and wailing
and gnashing of teeth resulted from this error. Over a hundred countries
formally declared me their mortal enemy, mobilizing their militaries. The sky
darkened with thousands of nuclear bombers circling above me, waiting with
bated breath for their call to drop their cargoes and turn my house into a
glow-in-the-dark crater.

So, it was with some small sense of vindication that I greeted the release of
this year's movie Evolution, because this time, it REALLY REALLY DOES
STAR THE GUY FROM THE 7-UP COMMERCIALS!!

In this film, David Duchovny plays an alien-hunting scientist who (at one
point) worked for the government. This, of course, was a REAL stretch for his
acting abilities, as he's NEVER played a role like this before, no no no no.
Orlando Jones, the guy from the 7-Up commercials I gloated about so much in the
last paragraph, plays a thinly-disguised version of Dr. Peter Venkman (only
with more slapstick and less of that Bill Murry je-ne-sais-quois). Julianne
Moore, also known as miss "we couldn't get Jodi Foster for the second Hannibal
Lecter movie so we cast you instead," plays the generic love interest. The plot
of the movie concerns a meteor which crash-lands on Earth, carrying with it a
cargo of slimy mucus-covered alien bacteria that evolve at an astonishing rate.

As is usual in movies where biological evolution plays a role, this film got
the science wrong in several places. Evolution was presented as a "ladder of
progress" which always and inevitably leads to man-like creatures — not
as the diverse, branching tree of contingencies that it really is, in which us
humans are but one out of the zillions of "natural experiments" that have
happened to survive. I mean, I know this is a comedy and all, but if the
popular media keeps on repeating the myth of the evolutionary "ladder," people
might actually start to *believe* it. Another error came when Agent Mulder
— er, I mean, David Duchovny's TOTALLY un-Mulder-like characer,
riiiiiight — claimed the alien cells had "DNA with 10 base pairs." DNA,
by its very definition, has 4 base pairs. If this alien gene-like molecule
doesn't have 4 base pairs, then it isn't DNA.

But these small glitches pale in comparison to the ghastly, unpardonable sin
the movie committed when IT GOT THE INGREDIENTS OF REGULAR STRENGTH
HEAD-AND-SHOULDERS SHAMPOO WRONG!! When Agent Mulder discovers that the
aliens can be hurt by (spoiler warning!) selenium, one of the lesser characters
announces that "selenium sulfide is the active ingredient in Head and
Shoulders." And Mulder believes him. And in the movie, by some
miraculous warping of reality, he turns out to be right! Gah.
Unbelievable.

Selenium sulfide is NOT the active ingredient in regular strength Head and
Shoulders. Zinc pyrithone is the active ingredient in regular strength Head and
Shoulders. Selenium sulfide doesn't even appear in the "other ingredients" list
of regular strength Head and Shoulders. In fact, NO form of selenium, sulfide
or otherwise, appears ANYWHERE among the ingredients of regular strength Head
and Shoulders. Selenium sulfide does appear in the ingredients list of
"Intensive Care Formula" Head and Shoulders, but that comes in a turquoise
bottle, and the bottles of Head and Shoulders shown in the movie were clearly
regular-strength white. Agent Mulder's plan to thwart the hyperevolving alien
menace by dousing them with Head and Shoulders should have resulted in nothing
more than dandruff-free alien hair.

Overall, the whole movie gave me the impression that they were trying to do
"another Ghostbusters", and failing at it. The slimy aliens, the
property-destructive chase through the crowded building, the government
stepping in and making things worse — the only thing missing was decent
comedy. David Duchovny is no Dan Akroyd. Julianne Moore is no Sigourney Weaver.
And Orlando Jones is no anybody (except maybe Marlon Wayans — ow! Stop
hitting! Moooomm!!).

Although I do have to agree with Orlando Jones about one deeply important
philosophical issue: there is ALWAYS time for lubricants.