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The other day I found out that my, I will call her my gf becuase I want her to still be, gf has fucked up in a major way.

I have given her a second chance etc etc..

However when I found out I went mental. I used to have a horrible temper when I was young and my brothers and I all get it from our father and have had to learn other ways other than violence to vent.

But this was BIG and I flew off of the hook at her. I could never hit her at all but I spent a good 10-15mins millimeters away from her face shouting and screaming every profantiy and hurt feeling I possessed.

Now she says that she can't be with me until she can get over how terrified of me she is.

I have tried to remind her that I have never raised a finger to her and every time in the last ~3 years that I have physically hurt her when play fighting/tickling/general horseplay I have been guilt ridden for anywhere from a few hours to a few days but after my shouting she is stone cold terrified by me.

How do I show her that I am not a threat to her and cannot even imagine hurting her in anger?

EDIT: The morning after, when we decided perhaps breaking up/degrading to friends might be a good idea she asked me to pick her up. For us this is our favourite way to hug because she likes to feel safe in my arms and wrap herself around me. This doesn't seem like someone who is that truly scared, but I could be wrong

Differently people might feel differently- but screaming in someone's face like that is never an appropriate response no matter what happened.

I've been in relationships with people who would scream like that and it's fucking scary, like really really frightening. If your girlfriend has even been in or ever known anyone that's been in an abusive situation, I'd say she's even less likely to get over this.

Give her time, apologize in a way that makes it clear that you understand the scary situation you put her in, let her come to you. Understand that this relationship might be over.

Perhaps I am trying to explain it away but I hate myself for getting that angry and it isn't that they are resurfacing it is that they are always there and I have made coping mechanisms to deal with it. I have no other way to deal with it and I hate that. And she understands that. Perhaps you're right, perhaps going back to counselling is a good idea, perhaps not.

I just replied to a comment about how she acted after saying that she is/was scared and it confuses me.

If she feels scared of you, that's curtains on the issue. It doesn't matter if you know you would never hurt her, if she doesn't feel that way that's the end of it.

The only way you might be able to "convince" her otherwise is to be better at managing your anger and show her through actions.

But quite frankly, your approach to this leads me to suspect this will not work. You don't get bonus points for not hitting her. That should be the status quo. Further, being millimeters from someone's face for 10-15 min. is pretty threatening is IMO well outside a healthy way of expressing one's feelings.

I think ultimately you need to get a much better handle on your anger before you try and "convince" her of anything.

I DO have a good handle on my anger and have done for years. She has seen me in a comparable state once after my step father ruined my 18th birthday, but never at her which I sense is the issue.

Like I said I get it from my dad and I know what it is like form my younger days to be terrified of someone and I can't say that it has completely gone away but through my past actions, or inactions considering that I have been angry at her before and she has known it without me so much as raising my voice, I would imagine she could at least try for me.

She admitted to me that she knew what my reaction would be if/when I found out what she did.

Are you kidding? Clearly you don't or you wouldn't have behaved that way. Being unable to keep yourself from screaming in someone's face for 10 or 15 minutes is not having a good handle on your anger. That is completely beyond the scope of normal behavior.

When I say good handle I don't mean that I never get angry, I mean that it takes a LOT to get me that angry and she fucked up to a point that I couldn't handle. I haven't hit someone in seven years. In the last 3 years I have raised my voice in anger once (bar the other day when I shouted at her).

I dunno, personally I think she's thinking pretty straight about it. What you've shown her is that you have a good handle on your anger until you don't, and once you don't you apparently go nuclear. (No, I'm not going to give you credit for not hitting her. Not hitting people is the absolute baseline that is expected of anyone. I don't give people credit for breathing either.)

Me, I wouldn't be with a guy who I knew might go off like that if I pissed him off sufficiently. Did she fuck up? Yeah. Was your response to that fucked up? Yeah. I don't think the consequences for my actions should be feeling like I'm in danger. I'm not willing to be with someone who becomes so enraged they can't control themselves.

So I don't think you can convince her not to be scared of you, and I don't think you should. I think that through your actions you have shown your girlfriend that you are to be feared. You are potentially dangerous. That's scary to anyone with a sense of self-preservation.

That displays a disturbing lack of empathy. It's only reasonable for her to be scared if you hit her?

You can't understand why someone would be afraid after someone (as a bonus, someone physically much larger than them, you say) spent ten or fifteen straight minutes mere millimeters from their face screaming profanity and insults? Because I can't see how someone wouldn't be kind of traumatized after that.

I would be so fucking scared of you. It would take me an extremely long time to be near you, much less alone with you.

It is fine that in three years, you didn't hurt her. What you did was show her that if pushed, you become terrifying. How is she to know, if for three years you were even keeled, that another push won't come? What if the next push is bigger?

I guess she doesn't know that, however she knows that I would never lay a finger on her. She knows this and has said this.

But she also knows that I would get mad again.

On top of that, the night I went mad at her she said she was terrified and couldn't feel safe around me and then fell asleep next to me/in my arms that very night as though nothing were wrong.

EDIT: The morning after, when we decided perhaps breaking up/degrading to friends might be a good idea she asked me to pick her up. For us this is our favourite way to hug because she likes to feel safe in my arms and wrap herself around me. This doesn't seem like someone who is that truly scared, but I could be wrong.

After reading the other comments and your replies, I'd like to just point out one thing.

All relationships have ups and downs, that's normal. The real question is, how bad are the "downs"? No matter how good the rest of your relationship is, no girl is going to be okay with being screamed at during the 1% of time when things aren't alright. You don't seem to think so, but that's how it is.

Yeah, maybe she doesn't need to be afraid of you actually physically hurting her, but as they say, emotional pain is far worse than physical pain. Basically, in that moment, you showed her that it's possible to make you so angry that you would stop seeing her as a person with feelings.

I'd never want to see you again (EDIT: the reason why is because I'd be afraid of you and that I wouldn't trust you with that kind of reaction). You need to go to some more therapy/anger management classes.

I would leave. I would never come back. And I would cut off all communication.

I remembered when my mom screamed at me once over something-it wasn't even directed at me, but more a general rant because of the way my younger brother treated her. That was the scariest moment of my life; I literally sat in the fetal position and balled my eyes out. And parents are supposed to yell at you when you fuck up.

But if my boyfriend did that to me? The person who was supposed to love me, even when I fucked up? Whom I would show the same courtesy to? I can't even imagine my reaction. I would understand that I messed up big time without you getting in my face for 10 to 15 minutes. The psychological impact that that experience would have on me would probably make me go into shock.

I should clarify that I am an amazing boyfriend. I don't mean to be big headed but I get people saying things like "If I were half the husband to my wife that you are to her then I wouldn't have a single issue in my marriage". I break myself for this girl and she knows it and still demands more.

Seriously? I think spending "a good 10-15mins millimeters away from her face shouting and screaming every profantiy and hurt feeling you possessed" completely disqualifies you in the "amazing boyfriend" olympics. Amazing boyfriends do not scream in their girlfriends' faces. Amazing boyfriends are adults who know how to control their tempers. Amazing boyfriends do not make their girlfriends feel physically unsafe. And most importantly, amazing boyfriends know that people who do that shit are not amazing boyfriends.

If someone I was dating did that they would never get within arm's reach of me again.

I spent a good 10-15mins millimeters away from her face shouting and screaming every profantiy and hurt feeling I possessed.

You may not have hit her, but that still constitutes abuse, and I'd never be comfortable around someone after they did that. People in abusive relationships often say they stayed with their abuser because they were so apologetic after, for so long.

I know that it was abusive and I feel awful even now. However I might point out that was the first time anything ever came close to us passing snide remarks. I realise though that after the first time a pattern might have set in and to be honest that idea scares me. As I said, I am under no delusions that what I did and how I conducted myself was abhorrent, but I know/knew abusive other halves and I conduct myself nothing like them. I know how to deal with my anger, this was not it and hopefully will never be again.

You taught her to be afraid of you, through your actions, and you're not really taking responsibility for that here or giving any indication of respecting her wishes.

She told you it's over, and you're still calling her your GF because you still want her to be. That's not how relationships work, and until you get that, you should maybe avoid getting involved with her or anyone else.

The fact that you got screaming in her face mad for her just flirting with other people is ridiculous.

I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to hang out anymore either. You don't get to threaten people's personal space and scream/yell for 15 minutes to intimidate them when you are upset just because you "would never hit them". What is she supposed to be impressed by that? Give me a fucking break.

I wouldn't be scared of you, I would have just realized that you obviously aren't capable of being an adult while upset, and I prefer dating adults.