Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Arrived at 6:05 a.m. to find 30 people already in line. It took about 40 minutes, and only 39.5 of those were spent on judge retention.

Now listen, America. You know my birthday's coming up. You manage to show up every four years or so, making a big deal about the effort you put out in merely showing up at all. I'm not a gift-centered person by any means, and I'm always glad to see you. In fact, I hope we see each other more often. It might help things.

But, frankly, when you do show up, what you bring me has generally been crap.

And let's not talk about the past two times. I can't even Freecycle that shit away.

This time I know I might be asking for a lot. It's not the store where you've shopped your entire life. There might not be parking. It's probably going to take a while to check out. A long-ass while. Maybe you're not entirely sure what it is you'll be taking home.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Vanity Fair Writer Hospitalized

Dominick Dunne is in the hospital after being stricken with pain as he watched testimony in the O.J. Simpson robbery & kidnapping trail. Preliminary tests were inconclusive, but doctors haven't ruled out his nearly severed head.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Wall Street extended a huge rally Friday as investors stormed back into the market, relieved that the government plans to restore calm to the financial system by rescuing banks from billions of dollars in bad debt.

And we were all very sorry, and we learned our lesson, and the bad thing never happened again. The end.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Makin' Canadian Bacon

How hot is my life these days? Check out the On Demand options I perused this weekend.

All Wet

Around the Block

Doing It Together

I Love to Pretend

Just for Laughs

New Places

Aw, yeah.

Then I made sure I hadn't mistakenly left the Caillou section of On Demand. Nope. I dialed up an episode; I don't remember which one. It's when Caillou whines and has feelings about stuff. You know the one?

Once it was rolling, I sat back and took myself to that place parents go when they have no book or notebook or internets, but still opt to listen to the low hum in the back of their heads rather than watch the children's show in front of them.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

R.I.P., Black MosesIsaac Hayes has made his exit. Here he is, making one of the best entrances ever.

So badass, he can enter draped in one of my grandmother's quilts and make it look good.

Whatever went on between him and South Park, it's hard to believe he deserved the sendoff they gave him. Sad that this episode has been by rote included in his obits, regardless of their length. Do yourself a favor: watch Wattstax and Respect Yourself and see more to the man than that.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Punctuation Was My First Clue

This sign replaced the original one, which read:

Coming in June

T-shirts for the whole "family." To brighten up your "outfit." Because casual wear is "our thing." "Don" our shirts and get "ma' fia" money. In a foot race between innocuous-looking businesses, we'd be out "front." Systematically paying higher prices than ours would be an "organized crime." We won't SLAP Tsamaddayou? Why you gotta write your big mouth off with this sign? Why can't youse write the one line we talked about? Stop with the writing every word I SLAP

Largo was/is a club in LA and the venue for some of the best shows I've seen, like Naked Trucker & T-Bones and Paul F. Tompkins. (I've been led to believe it also hosted some music.) Now the club is closing its doors on Fairfax, but reopens in June at a theater on La Cienega.

In the meantime, there's this cool-looking documentary capturing the old scenery, co-created by owner Mark Flanagan. (His friendly reservation-line messages were always a treat. I never met the guy, but I'd have sworn his recordings were inviting me by name.)

Thursday, May 08, 2008

"Baby, If You've Ever Wondered..."

... Wondered, whatever might be the best sitcom ever? With renewed certainty, I declare that it was WKRP in Cincinnati.

Finding episodes on Hulu.com last night convinced me of this again. I haven't watched the "Turkey" episode in years, and yet in one scene I could mirror Johnny Fever's exact hand gestures, for cry eye. That's how the true funny sticks.

Absolutely perfect ensemble work. Writing that goes from hilarious to mellow to moving to pleasantly weird. A show about rock music that actually liked rock music, using it authentically and integrally as a living character on the show.

And there, friends, is the rub. These Hulu episodes are clearly from the long-awaited and ultimately regrettable WKRP DVDs. To avoid the admittedly daunting and expensive task of licensing every single song fragment, the DVD producers ripped all songs out of the soundtrack, replacing them with generic rock-like substitutes.

The pilot episode's climactic scene, when Johnny launches WKRP's abrupt switch from "beautiful music" with Ted Nugent's "Queen of the Forest," is now so stunningly un-rocking, accompanied by a stock composition that certainly bears a title like "House Rockin' Guitar #12." The fan dies a little inside.

However, now that these Lucased episodes can be watched for free, I can let go of some of my fury. If nothing else, neutering the music does serve to focus further attention on the excellence of the performances. If Howard Hesseman can still make it look like "House Rockin' Guitar #12" is rocking his ass, it's because he's that good.

It's just too bad that anyone who missed the show in its original state will never know just how awesome it used to sound.

But really? There wasn't some deal to work out? DVDs that could breathe new life into hoary AOR tracks with links to buy the songs in each episode? Or even a deluxe edition that actually includes them?

A perfect example of today's craptastic state of rights management, and how the music industry slowly stabs itself to death with it. Then again, if rock radio can't pick its own songs, why let shows about rock radio do it?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

We Have Always Lived in the Castle, or Did Until the Nielsens Were Released

Two nights ago, I screamed in my sleep.

In my dream, some former coworkers and I were temporarily living together in this spooky old house. Like a Shirley Jackson reality show, but without the show or, in retrospect, the reality.

We gradually became aware of horrible music playing through loudspeakers in every room of the house. This sound... it was alive and growing louder. It would not let us sleep or think. It was monotonic. It was needles in the spine.

Soon the residents split up and began to hunt for its source. Throughout the building, people uncovered ancient, industrially sealed phonographs at work. But when the machines were destroyed, there was no effect on the aural terror filling the house.

Finally, I discovered a vulnerable turntable that was clearly playing the music in question. I grabbed the tonearm, and with deliberation, so that all my friends would hear our triumph, I dragged that needle across the platter, heavy and hard. I then stomped the life out of it. There was silence.

Seconds later, the music began again from somewhere else. Raising my clawed hands to the sky, I screamed.

Then the Ms. was standing over me. I'd awoken on the couch, where she'd run all the way from the bedroom. She asked what was wrong. Groggy and sheepish, I said, "I was being tortured."

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Swiss chemist and psychedelic pioneer Albert Hoffman, who inadvertently discovered the hallucinogenic properties of LSD and first tested them on himself, died Tuesday. His face fucking melted off, man. He was 102.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Oh my god.

911: This is 911; what is your emergency?

CALLER: Oh... oh my god. My junk. My junk. It's gone. One minute, I was reading a flyer. Next thing I knew, I woke up in this hotel bathtub packed with ice. A note said, "Your junk has been removed. Call 911." So I did.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

While we lost the singer of the "Maude" theme song some time ago, WNYC's "Soundcheck" recently reassured us that the theme's writer is still kicking. To my mind, the man did more for Lady Godiva than chocolate.

Speaking of She Who Shall Not Be Tranquilizin', check out The Beachwood Reporter's celebration of 35 years of "Maude."

By the way, the 35th anniversary gift is jade, and "jade" can also be defined as "a bad-tempered or disreputable woman."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I always thought that Van Halen was famous for requiring their backstage bowls of M&Ms be filled only with green ones, due to their purported aphrodisiac qualities.

Turns out, idiot, the backstage rider wasn't "all green ones," but rather "no brown ones." And the reason, at least according to Diamond Dave, was a totally practical one having nothing to do with making Teacher hot(ter).

Monday, January 07, 2008

The 7 Habits and/or Toiletries* of Highly Effective People

* As evidenced by the briefcase left on our garbage cans.

7. Being Proactive6. Old Spice Red Zone Body Wash5. Dollar-store Febreze knock-off4. Putting First Things First3. Literature of Bill W. & Top rolling papers (tie)1. Begin with the End in Mind...But if You're Caught Mid-Alley-Defecation, Forget the Briefcase and Run