Derek and Austin meet for lunch. Actually, that’s not quite true. Derek and Austin sit at a table outside a restaurant, order absolutely nothing, and talk about themselves. This entire show can be summed up thusly: “Vapid NYC gay famewhores sit in empty restaurants, never eat, and talk incessantly about themselves and each other.” That should really be the description of every single episode, but then people might figure out the show’s paper-thin premise and not watch again, so we can’t have that.

Austin’s upcoming shoot for Playgirl comes up and Derek tries to delicately inform the outrageously obese Austin that the public will collectively vomit if they’re exposed to his cellulite-ridden body. Austin, who, like the very best reality show participants, has absolutely no capacity to self-assess, says he’s trying to present an image of a gay man who’s not ripped and full of muscles. Derek congratulates him on reaching his goal. Then they briefly talk about Derek’s boyfriend, who remains unseen and un-named. We have a feeling this boyfriend will be moving to Canada before sex with Derek or a chance to be on camera presents itself. Austin is happy that Derek has someone, because “for the last nine months, it’s been me,” apparently forgetting that in the previous episode they greeted each other as if they hadn’t seen each other in months. Austin can’t keep up with the script changes, it seems. After discussing each other, they turn to discussing Nyasha and manage to completely puncture the old stereotype that gay men always make the best friends for women. Derek: “She’s a broke-down, disgusting, angry pig bitch.” We realize it will be painful for you to do so, but keep this scene in your head because we’re getting back to it later.

Cut to Ryan’s apartment. The Grande Lady is having the aforementioned Nyasha over for tea and spends a moment pinching her cheeks and smoothing out her skirt, before checking the watercress sandwiches for perfection and spit-polishing the loving cup on the mantel. Nyasha stumbles in, all wig, heels, and Lee Press-On nails, and blurts out “Is everything, like, upscale with you?” Because THAT is exactly how the creme de la creme of Manhattan society acts, darlings. One immediately brings up the topic of wealth and then hammers that topic into submission. Pure class. Nyasha informs us that “I immediately gravitated towards his energy,” which seems to be her way of saying “I can smell money, and this prissy little white boy has got it going ON.” After discussing Ryan’s overwhelming affluence, the topic moves briefly to Nyasha’s “recording career,” before returning to the only topic any of these people have to talk about: each other. The epic-in-the-eyes-of-its-participants bar fight once again comes up and Nyasha says with a straight face, “Honestly, I don’t get angry like that.” It sure is a puzzle why you would flip out so spectacularly then, girl. What variable was in place that caused you to act like a feral child at a cocktail party? Could it have been… the presence of cameras documenting your every move? Later, she sums up Austin’s behavior with, “It brought me back to a place of anger,” which is essentially a meaningless word salad, something that almost everyone on this show is really good at. In fact, meaningless strings of words are just about the only thing anyone in this cast can manage. It really says something that the ESL who sounds like he has marbles in his mouth and requires extensive subtitling, is no less articulate than anyone else in the cast.

Austin and his husband go to the gym. Husband tells him his body is disgusting and that he needs to do cardio. Austin is offended that husband doesn’t think he’s ready for a naked shoot and says the word “artistic” about 30 times in 2 minutes, adding that, “I’m gonna fluff a little bit,” which is a very artistic thing to say.

Cut to: Nyasha and Ryan, auditioning dancers. Nyasha makes all the girls fight each other to the death until there are two backup dancers left, covered in blood and sweat and howling their triumph to the drop ceiling and flourescent lights above them. Ryan flicks open his fan and huffs that he could never work for Nyasha. The two remaining dancers stand there on a pile of dead dancer bodies, sweating and trying to catch their breath, not quite believing that they went through all this shit just so they could dance on a Pride float.

Austin and Reichen meet in the park to find blowjobs. They walk towards each other, stop, talk about each other, hug, turn around and walk away. The staging on this show could use a little work. “I don’t like being around people I don’t get along with” says Reichen to the person who co-stars with him on a reality show. Austin says things are “not perfect” between him and his husband. Reichen asks if they’re monogomous and then gives the most hilariously awkward and bad “come hither” look. You might have misread it because he looked a little like he was having a stroke, but make no mistake, this is the storyline: Reichen is a low down dirty dog who can’t go 30 seconds without having his looks validated and Austin is self-absorbed, obssessed with Reichen, and is having marital problems. Will one of them trip and fall and accidentally insert his penis into the other one? Stay tuned!

Reichen stops wiggling his eyebrows at Austin and gets serious for a moment. “You really push the limits of our friendship when you leave me drunken phone messages calling me a filthy whore and making fun of my little dick. “So let’s hang out during the day when I’m not drinking,” suggests Austin.”Okay,” says Reichen. They hug and walk away.

Once again, we are forced to point out that everyone on this show acts in a way counter to every other human being we’ve ever met.

Mike and Ryan are looking at clothes and Ryan says they’re “working on the baby” and alludes to “surrogacy problems,” which is code for, “I just can’t work up the jizz knowing it’s going inside a lady body.” Ryan then asks Mike for advice because after his Today Show episode, people advised him he was too gay and he needed to butch it up. Two things about that:

1) The media LOVES a flamboyant queen. If anything, it’s the UNflamboyant ones who are told to gay it up. This story is wholly unbelievable.

2) Starving children everywhere silently weep for Ryan and his soul-crushing problems.

Later, at Ryan’s salon, the stress of being Ryan finally gets to him. “Did you put my Today Show clip on Facebook yet?” he hisses at TJ; a sentence that really should make anyone pause and assess their life. TJ stomps out and Ryan immediately turns to another employee and openly considers firing TJ, which is exactly what business owners should do: talk about potential firings with other employees. Highly professional.

Austin meets with the Playgirl Marketing Director, who leers, and runs his tongue over his lips, fondles himself and does everything but twirl a mustache to show how lecherous he is. “So, you want to be in the magazine?” he asks Austin, mentioning the pictures he “sent in.” Austin told Derek last episode that Playgirl wanted him to do the cover. Now we find out that he’s the one begging Playgirl for a chance to show his ass. The Playgirl guy manages to simultaneously leer at Austin while at the same time telling him he’s a big flabby mess. “I know!” he pipes up. “Let’s get you out of your clothes RIGHT NOW!” Austin acts put out but he’s naked within 3 minutes. “This is not what I had in mind at all,” he says unconvincingly as he tugs on his penis to make it bigger, while arching his back to make his ass rounder. Playgirl guy sends a little leering munchkin to give Austin a little fluffing. KNOWING THAT THERE ARE CAMERAS RECORDING THE WHOLE SCENE, the little whore does so, and comes out from behind the screen wiping his mouth off. Pure unadulterated class all the way. After more tugging and fluffing, the impromptu photo shoot comes to an end, and Playgirl guy informs Austin he’s too fat, which apparently required full nudity and a partial blow job before they could come to that conclusion.

Everyone but Austin shows up to Rodiney’s little Austin-themed rap session. Rodiney honks at the camera about how he has to get everyone together to let them know that he hates Austin, because no one knew that and because such announcements should be made to the group as a whole, as if he was announcing his candidacy or something. Rodiney says he’s ready to go to the police because “this guy put my life in dangers” and that once he does that, “They gonna put something in his leg and be far away from Rodiney.” Rodiney’s … special, isn’t he? A special little way of looking at the world. “I work with my face!” he blurts out. No one is willing to tell him that he doesn’t actually work that much and when he does, it ain’t his face they’re looking at. Nyasha wants to know which friends Derek is going to stay with at a potential party that they’re all attending. This is the kind of conversation we all had in 5th grade and which most of us got out of our systems before puberty ended. Everyone agrees that when he’s not drunk, Austin’s fine. No one suggests that anyone talk to him about his clear drinking problem because it’s much more fun and interesting to sit around talking about it. Derek is surprised that he is the only one who defended Austin, who has ruined every single social event he has ever attended. Rodiney honks a lot of words that the subtitles indicate are English. “HE getta so angry!” “But I decide to don’t do the order of protect right now.” How is his English getting worse the longer he’s in this country? He’s like Ricky Ricardo if Desi Arnaz had a thing for strapping blonde attention whores and did over a thousand crunches a day.

Ryan and TJ meet at Ryan’s place. Before TJ has a sip of his coffee, Ryan has batted his freshly curled eyelashes and fired him. They inexplicably hug.

Derek and Austin are in an empty store when Derek decides it’s time to inform Austin of some unpleasant truths. “Let’s go upstairs and have a … TEA” suggests Derek, cleverly leaving out the words “long,” “island,” and “iced.” As they sip their teas with pinkies extended, Derek fills Austin in on the meeting of the Junior League that he missed. Upon hearing that everyone in his social group got together to discuss his outrageously bad behavior, Austin reflects quietly about just what he’s done to himself.

HAHAHAHAHA! PSYCH! No he didn’t! Instead, he acted furious that people were talking about him behind his back, conveniently ignoring that THIS IS THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. They meet up somewhere empty in Manhattan and talk about whoever isn’t there with them. THAT’S THE WHOLE SHOW, AUSTIN. Although we will, bitterly, give Austin some credit for pointing out that Ryan is quite the little two-faced doyenne. It’s about time SOMEONE mentioned that. Derek, who in an earlier scene with Austin, called Nyasha a “broke down angry pig bitch” is equally appalled that people were speaking about Austin behind his back. When Derek reveals that Rodiney is considering filing a restraining order against him, Austin defends himself with: “Nobody is in any danger around me. Except Rodiney,” apparently not realizing how the words coming out of his mouth sound. Derek mentions that Rodiney is scared of him. “He should be,” counters Austin.

He doesn’t really get this whole “defending himself” thing, does he?

As if to reiterate that point, we cut to the next scene, where Austin (we will pay LOGO five thousand dollars to have an entirely Austin-free episode just so we don’t have to type that name 600 times on Tuesday mornings. It’s gotten to the point where the autocorrect recognizes “AUS” and comes back with “tin is a narcissistic asshole.”) has decided, after several days have passed, to tell his doormat husband that his “meeting” with Playgirl was a lot more naked and moist than he had originally implied. Doormat husband finds his balls suddenly and is the very first person to ever appear on this show who acts remotely like a human being would act. He gets angry and, unlike everyone else in the cast, actually confronts the person he’s angry with AND doesn’t just shrug and hug the insanely anti-social behavior away.

“ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS, AUS?” should really be on a t-shirt, LOGO. Make that happen.

Once again, Austin demonstrates his total inability to defend his behavior. “Do you think I would really do that?” he asks his husband, of the behavior he JUST ADMITTED DOING. When that tack doesn’t work, he heads for the reality show staple: offense. Hilariously, Austin tries to claim that the husband is being disrespectful to him, to which the husband replies “You’re just throwing bullshit at my face,” and storms out. We LIKE this guy, suddenly! We might even make the attempt to remember his name now!

Oh, why bother? He’ll be gone soon and then the story will be (once again) “Will Austin and Reichen fuck?”

But really, LOGO; consider that t-shirt. Also one with the phrase “You’re basically throwing bullshit at my face, Austin.”

I don’t even know how y’all get through an entire episode of this steaming pile (lots of alcohol is involved, amirite?), but I appreciate that you do. That’s showing real love for your bitter kittens.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=12500056 Joseph Lamour

That is seemingly generous blurring.

Anonymous

I was thinking the same thing.

–GothamTomato

Anonymous

Agreed. My favorite part of the argument was when Jake (that’s the husband’s name, right?) said he didn’t want people looking at Austin’s erect penis and laughing. LOL. Austin said that was disrespectful. So’s getting fluffed on television.

Anonymous

It’s unbelievable how fat they tell Austin he is. Honestly, if I had his body, I think I’d be doing the centerfold scene myself!

Anonymous

I haven’t seen the show (I value my brain cells too much), but in the thumbnail picture, that naked guy doesn’t look fat. Is that “gay fat” a different standard??

Anonymous

Vapid NYC gay famewhore fat, that is. If you had any carbs in the last 6 months, you’re a pig and should be shunned by your peers.
For me he has everything in the right size and place.

Anonymous

Yeah, Austin is totally dumb fratboy hot. Too bad there’s only like 3 pictures of his butt online, I’m really curious what all the hubub is about.

Anonymous

I despise these vapid famewhores but I love TLo for recapping them so awesomely.

http://profiles.google.com/dchockeyguy Trevor Burroughs

Wow, this was a LONG recap! You put some work into this. I can’t believe you put the words “Highly Professional” near anything related to this show, much less Ryan (yes, I know it was sarcasm, but really, what did you expect? LOL)

Scott Hester-Johnson

Since I overslept an hour and a half, I can only comment on 3/4 of the show, but…

Has anyone validated this is actually “Playgirl” we are talking about here, and not “Playgurl” or “PlayedGirl”? The offices are rather seedy and I kept expecting the “photographer” to say something along the lines of “Yeah, suck your thumb, Coco”. Frankly, I didn’t even know that “Playgirl” still existed, but please, have things gotten this bad?

As far as Derek & Austin not eating, look close. At one point Austin does indeed play with a mussel (not THAT kind of muscle, you dirty minded bitter kittens).

And how did (fatso) Autsin and (pencil-dicked) Reichen plan their meeting? “Meet me by that bush in the park so we have something to awkwardly stand in front of while we awkwardly plan to cheat on your husband and have awkward sex”?

THANKS NUMBER FIVE!

MilaXX

bonus points for a Fame reference. This is why I love this blog.

Anonymous

Plague Hurl

Anonymous

Austin : “My butt is my best asset” Yes, Austin, it is. Because it lets people know you’re leaving the room.

Anonymous

Austin : “My butt is my best asset” Yes, Austin, it is. Because it lets people know you’re leaving the room.

Anonymous

Oh, ick. How do you watch this crap. “You’re basically throwing bullshit at my face, Austin” might make it all worth i–no forget it. Oh, ick, pretty much sums it up.

Susan Crawford

Honestly, the funniest moment is in the coming “attractions” for episode three, when Derek tells Miss Ryan that he has lost his great love/best friend, and Ryan’s face gets all like totally serious and he says, “Gypsies, tramps and thieves, babe.” Oh how true, how true! And isn’t it fabulous that everyone in the cast pretty much falls into all three categories? Serendipitous? Or simply incredible reality casting? Either way, that moment had me howling with laughter.

Meantime, this Nyasha/Nausea person has GOT to go. What this show needs is a diesel dyke to slap the boyz into shape and maybe run over Austin with her Harley.

Anonymous

As usual, your recap is better than the show. The empty restaurant thing is the same with the NYHousewives show – always drinking water in empty restaurant. But given the way these famewhores behave, if you had a restaurant, would you allow them to film around your regular customers?

The fluffing scene grossed me out, but with that kind of behavior, the munchkin could get a job at FoxNews.

As for Roidney, I think he’s getting tutored by a speech coach from the Bronx.

–GothamTomato

MilaXX

For some reason the BBW do and there are always horrified onlookers to witness the drink throwing and table flipping.

Anonymous

What’s ‘BBW’?

–GothamTomato

MilaXX

basket ball wives

Anonymous

Also, Big Beautiful Woman. I promise I’m not really straight…

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_35OW6VJZLWTQDQHS4JLRTVC2JA Akumabunny

Thank you so much for posting that link! It really made my day to see (& hear) something so moving.

Anonymous

Thanks for the link GT. Absolutely loved it!

Anonymous

I’ll add my thanks for the link. I like his take better than Sinatra’s. Made me want to come to NYC again.

http://twitter.com/karenwalsh Karen Walsh

Why can’t I stop watching this show? It’s so bad that I can’t look away!

“Vapid NYC gay famewhores sit
in empty restaurants, never eat, and talk incessantly about themselves
and each other.” Enough said. That IS the whole show.

Terence Ng

It is hella depressing that Austin is considered fat. Maybe they mean his personality is obese.

Anonymous

The only thing fat to me about Austin is his sense of self-importance. I don’t know why they harp on it so much…I like it better when I CAN’T cut glass with all the visible angles on a man’s body.

I think Rodiney must have heard how well-liked Casanova was as PR went along, and he’s trying to capitalize on that by babbling even more nonsense than he did before.

And Mike still seems a bit too classy for this show. That doesn’t keep me from continuing to wish for a racy spread of Mike and George Clooney, though.

I actually watched the show ONCE, to get all the names and faces straight. What you guys write about it is about twenty times more entertaining than the actual show.

http://profiles.google.com/shannonlstewart Shannon Stewart

I’m with you — I prefer men don’t look like skin colored anatomy dummies. It’s creepy. In fact, few things bother me as much on a man as a perfect six-pack.

Besides any man who spends that much time on himself doesn’t have enough time to spend on me:)

I try to find a silver lining in every cloud: In hell, this is the one and only television show on Satan’s Big Screen, and Westboro Baptist Church will be forced to sit in their pews and watch reruns of this for all of eternity.

Anonymous

My cable doesn’t have LOGO but I don’t think I am missing anything. I can just read the recaps here and LMAO….

Anonymous

oh, wonderful as always, TLo. I’m going to have to watch part of another episode of this heinous show so I can try (again) to get the names and faces right. And you’d think with so many empty restaurants and bars and salons around Manhattan, rents would come down a bit – all that vacant real estate (and I don’t mean the A-Gays, though they definitely qualify as vacant real estate). *writes TLo’s names in glitter on Trapper Keeper*

Anonymous

Gee for a second there I thought these were the nicknames for the rest of the PR entertainers and persons.

Anonymous

I tried, I really did. I was partly raised by gay men (in the Ptown bars no less) and I miss them terribly. But no, no, no, I can’t watch this show. Not worth the time…sadly, not even worth the time to read your recaps, though your recaps are so very snarky and enjoyable!

MilaXX

reality tv fan that I am I loved this episode. In fact I can now compare types. Austin is Basketball wives sweetheart Tami Roman who always starts a fight, is loud and obnoxious and especially dangerous with a drink which elevates the bad behavior.
As lame as Ryan’s firing of TJ was as least it wasn’t as protracted as Jeff Lewis’s so called firing of Sarah. Nyasha is like BBW Meeka who came into the group loud and wrong and now is just wrong. She’s also a bit Real Housewives of ATL Dwight. The hanger on that thinks she’s better than she really is.
I don’t get the Reichen love. Then agai he’s just not y type. That thick neck and dumb expression just kills any sexy that might be lurking about. However both TJ and Austin seem to have the hots for him so I wonder who he’ll sleep with first, cause you bet he’s gonna sleep with one of them.

Anonymous

I suppose I’ll have to watch one episode of this show at some point to get all the characters straight, but really, your recaps have me laughing out loud as it is.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GFMOZFM3WT3T56EZHVZFK7UXSI Ramon

They featured this show in the style section of the Sunday New York Times. I loved that they said they were probably grading on a curve when they titled this show (a really steep one). TJ was kind of sad saying that he is A list because he pays his bills or some nonsense like that. And Reichen was more of a tool than ever waiving away a fan because the New York Times was interviewing him. Sad. In the wedding section they had the announcement of Arnold Scaasi’s marriage to his partner of 50 years. That was a great juxtaposition. Now that is an A list gay.

Anonymous

“The staging on this show could use a little work.”

Easily a top ten entry in “Understatement of the Year”

We will understand should your tolerance for a mix of tedium and dull horror cause you to abandon this show. Till then, I appreciate the recaps. Always a solid half dozen laughs.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WPHBJD2WIRGQQATLHJSLLCOAOU Vincent

TLo,
Been following you since high school, so I’ve been around since before you first branched out to TV posts. That being said, the A-List is one of a long line of series that I know and keep up with solely through your posts (V, Mad Men, Glee, initially, etc.) so I feel that I can say with some authority that your A-List posts are golden. You might be inclined to say that you feel like the show’s producers are really doing all the work for you, but don’t be so modest, okay?

Austin must be a sociopath, or at least an alcoholic. He lies to people so easily! Super horrible, but also cute. Hence he’s on TV.

I like Ryan, he seems pretty real, but yeah, I thought the same thing about his “producers say I’m too gay” conversation. Breeders love fabulous gay hairdressers!

Robert Sanchez

I applaud you guys having the stomachs to watch this so we don’t have to!

Anonymous

Ryan is actually Suede from Project Runway season 5, right?

http://www.facebook.com/suzie.vazquez Suzie Vazquez

wow that was long.

Anonymous

I actually watched the episode after I read your recap, and I have to say, I felt a bit bad for Austin at that Playgirl ‘ shoot’. It seemed like a glimpse into Terry Richardson’s world. I mean, Austin doesn’t have any discernible skills, so of course he jumps at the chance for exposure. the guy springs a nude photoshoot on the boy, then tells his poor assistant to go get him hard… So fucked up. This doesn’t negate Austin’s myriad of problems, but I definitely felt sorry for the kid.

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_WZ74XTXVXVN2FE6WBURKUY5SKQ Wolfgang

After careful consideration I’ve decided I want THAT IS A JOKE, MAN as a t-shirt. Jake is not only the hottest (and arguably sanest) of the cast, his accent is to die for

http://needtherapy.tumblr.com skadi1

I don’t watch this show, but your recaps of it are the highlight of my Tuesday. And sometimes Wednesday.

Anonymous

It can’t be a coincidence that there’s an ad for an enema next to this recap, right?

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JQSQJRAL4YYWB2OZNHNUHKZAEY Christopher

I can’t bear to watch this show but your recaps are hilarious. Very much look forward to them. Don’t even feel the need to see the show!