Wacking off is officially a sport

The Koala is a new contributor and resident sick bastard. I will let his writing speak for itself.

In what appears to be one of the most useless and unimportant studies in modern history, scientists concluded this week that “golf is a sport.” Neil Wolkodoff, director of Rose Center for Health and Sports Sciences hemorrhaging donor cash in Denver, sited that “one of the more interesting things I found out was that the actual act of swinging a golf club takes significant energy.” Mr. Wolkodoff, really? I could paint a picture of you and it would probably involve a minivan of 12 year old boys and a trunk jammed with rice pudding.

The findings of your groundbreaking work got me to thinking, however. If golf is now a sport because it “takes significant energy,” what about the other favorite pastime of men age 15-death globally, wacking off?

As a long time golfer, I often found that walking 18 holes, carrying 30 lbs on my back up and down hills, while taking +/- 250 practice/real swings in 90 degree was a lot like sitting on a couch wacking off.

In fact, I can tell you that I have come my closest to a stroke while viewing European teens mount 65 year old grandfathers.

Furthermore, I would like to conclude that following 16 years of intense lab work and field studies, “the actual act of stroking my rocketship takes significant energy.” As this is now, according to the distinguished Mr. Wolkodoff, a key barometer to the viability of a sport, I can now say with the utmost certainty that wacking off is a sport.