Gee, I Wonder Why The Man Behind “Sleepless In Austin” Is Still Single

But given that he’s offered $1,500 as a “finder’s fee” for the person who finds him a girlfriend and an extra $1,000 if it leads to marriage, this miiiight be serious.

Now, we could all use a little extra scratch. Shouldn’t be so hard to find some bro in Austin a lady, right? Well, let’s take a look at Larry Busby’s dating requirements!

These are all direct quotes from Sleepless In Austin (which appears to be having server issues, ergo I referred to this “mirror” of the site that has been copied):

“I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl. And, I do not believe that Whites & Blacks should mix races sexually and have kids together. I think it’s ok for Whites & Hispanics. But not Blacks. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER date a woman if I found out she had EVER been sexually active with a Black man.”

“No one over 130lbs.”

“I will not date any girl if she is still friends with any men that she has been intimate with in the past, I believe once a relationship with someone is over, it’s OVER.”

“It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants.”

“I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.”

“I like girls that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as you are not over weight. I will not date a overweight or fat girl.”

“I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!”

“I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily [sic] be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her. … To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone [sic] that’s been in prison.”

“I also do not like piercings on a woman. I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears. If she has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as she removes them and never wears them again.”

I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. “

“I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.”

“I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.”

And those are just some of the requirements. So! If you’re white enough, thin enough, not slutty, your vagina isn’t floppy or torn, your boobs are real, have perfect vision, piercing- and tattoo-free, willing to never speak to any of your exes again, and are COMPLETELY FUCKING CRAZY, email Mr. Sleepless In Austin for a lifetime of furiously popping Benzos the moment you wake up in the morning.

Please, ladies. Let’s all make a pact with each other to encourage absurdly entitled men to the farther reaches of their absurd entitlement so they don’t poison the normal-person dating pool of not-insane assholes. Agreed? Agreed.

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