Caring mutual sexual relationships

02-22-2011, 10:15 AM

Hello Laurie,

In your book you write on page 94 you reference that in most peaceful indigenous cultures that caring, mutual sexual relationships between adolescents are healthy because of secure parent-child attachment and are acceptables in the culture.

Can you expand upon what you mean by healthy? Also, do you find in these cultures with this behavior a high birth rate with the adolescents?

James DeMeo, author of Saharasia, and James Prescott, have studied this extensively- I was quoting their research. I was given the impression that in tribal societies that allow teen sexual contact, teen pregnancy rates were very low. Also, their research states that when children have healthy, secure attachments with their parents, when children have the freedom to direct their own interests (free of institutions like school) and their community is supporting, loving, cohesive and honoring of youth, teen sexual relationships are healthier than teen relationships in industrialized cultures.

In industrialized cultures, children are often seeking sexual relationships to impress peers and to fill the aching voids of intense physical affection and skin stimulation that they never received from parents. They are trying to substitute sexual contact, which is more socially acceptable in peer group terms, for the deep physical affection with their parents they crave. Teens, both boys and girls, are vulnerable to adult sexual predators for this same reason.

Most teens have very little understanding of romantic relationships, sex and the powerful emotions that complicate it, never mind adding in the traumatic damage done to them by our culture. Mainstream teens in our culture do more than just use sex to discharge sexual energy- They use sex for status, to kill boredom, to explore, to rebel, to impress and to mainly fill unmet needs and voids from earlier childhood. Naturally, this is a recipe for disaster.

One thing our culture cannot understand is that sexual activity is a basic human right. Our culture out-rightly bans any sexual activity between teens rather than helping adolescents understand the huge variations of safe and light forms of physical contact that they could have without having oral sex or intercourse. Yet, the culture saturates children from toddlerhood with sexualized imagery and advertising in the media! Healthy Attachment Parented teens are more likely to respect their parents' value system regarding sex, and/or experiment in ways that are mutually respectful, light, less advanced and more developmentally appropriate than mainstream teens who may ignore their parents' value system and start out with oral sex or intercourse, not realizing this traumatizes them developmentally.

Teen sex is a complicated topic that requires a great deal of understanding and research. I believe that close, deep, connected, well attached relationships with our teens, ongoing communication and good supervision will preserve their innocence and protect teens from sexual contact they are not ready to handle. When they are in a relationship, a strong parent-child attachment will help teens take relationships slowly, meet affection needs with parents (rather than falsely through sex) and if they do experiment with sexual contact, a strong parent-child attachment will help teen partners keep the sexual contact light and less intense until they are developmentally ready (hopefully in adulthood) to take it a step further.