Step one — understand walking away means planning to lose not only their half of the money and personal possessions, but also what they own.

Know they will do whatever it takes to destroy you socially, financially, psychologically, physically, and emotionally — more so if THEY were 100% at fault for the demise of the relationship (not less).

Expect zero help financially, physically, or with moral support; offering closure or remuneration to a victim is something a Narcissist resists, noting that even the process of grief will be interrupted repeatedly in order to make sure a target does not have it.

Step two — Plan you budget based on your own ability to produce income — not theirs.

Understand if you set your budget based on what you yourself can cover that you will never end up short; conversely, if you expect alimony and child support and rely on a dime to pay your bills that you yourself will have given them a highly effective manipulation tool to harm you directly each and every month a payment arrives late or never comes in.

Step three — Prepare to have your heart broken as they will perpetually strive to estrange children, family members, your entire emotional and social support network, and friendship circles from you with bonus points for their own ego if they can throw a home-town very public smear-campaign into the mix.

Step four — Child support is a CHILD’S right — not a parents’… but understand a narcissistic parent will refuse to pay it even if they logically understand this; they will do everything they can to make a CHILD suffer in front of a custodial parent if the custodial parent is not them in order to hurt their former mate at what ultimately becomes the child’s expense.

Expect the Narcissist to refuse to care. They see children as possessions to use and abuse at their discretion. For that reason, children will be used against a former love interest like a weapon.

And that’s it in a nutshell. Leaving a Narcissist takes patience, a spine, and perseverance. When and if the Narcissist in YOUR life does or says crappy things that it’s one more confirmation of your suspicion they have a personality disorder.

They all follow patterns. Easy to provoke, they are also easy to test.

Once you test them, it is not your fault if they choose to behave poorly. Give them all the opportunities in the world you need to confirm your suspicions they have a personality that is egocentric and aggressive with regard to acting like entitlement — but stops there.

Narcissistic people get away with abusing people because more often than not, victims keep letting them. Draw a line in the sand that expresses clear, logical, sane, and rational boundaries. An 80 percenter will respect it and will strive to respect your needs and expressed wishes.

Narcy people — at their core — are sadists who derive pleasure from making people uncomfortable, seeing other people in pain, or who get off manipulating other people psychologically and emotionally. How much they enjoy it depends on their temperament.

Narcissistic abuse and enabling patterns are role modeled to children who passively and actively take in all the toxic effects of suffering from abuse, neglect, being traumatized, and/or witnessing traumatizing events. Break the silence, validate the victim(s), and heal the patterns.

By reflecting on your own role in the cycle of Narcissistic Abuse in a non-judgmental way, an abuse victim can learn how to stop people pleasing across the board. Setting healthy boundaries and expecting one’s fundamental human rights to be respected is key. Again, the boots metaphor works… especially when and if a narcy person starts spinning such gaslighting yarns you feel you may not be able to survive wading through piles of crappy emotional abuse without putting on your hip waders.

Leave and plan to go low contact to no contact as quickly as you can when and if you suspect you are being emotionally manipulated by a person who is morally caustic yet insists they are grand. Run, walk, bike, parachute, jump out an open window on the ground floor — do whatever is needed to protect yourself from an abusive person, a toxic family, or nasty friends.

Wonderful blog and an excellent idea of writing letters to mom. I’ve thought of writing posts (letters) to my narco mother, however, it’s just so difficult for me to deal with the impact of her abuse. I’ve been in therapy for years dealing with this emotional abuse issue, and frankly, I’m frightened if I were to start writing (to her, even though I wouldn’t send it) could either be cathartic or may send me ‘down the rabbit hole’. PTSD therapy drove me down a dark path years ago, and her cruel words still sting even though I’ve gone NO Contact.

Thank you!! I actually decided to do this long after I started to recover. Yet, I find it soothing to do it while I still experience all these different emotions. I know there is no way, I will be able to deliver any of these words because I want to be so far away from her. I just want these to be finally words on everything before I lock it up and throw away the key. I fight so hard to not become depressed. Every day is a battle for me, because her words have affected every aspect of my life. Im trying desperately to reverse years and years of brain washing. Its inspiring to hear that you’ve managed to go no contact for years. Others don’t have that strength. Go YOU! 😊😊😊

Excellent article. Thanks for the link. It took me two years to successfully leave my ex husband. When all was said and done I had 3 suitcases and a lamp, haha. I love that lamp 🙂 My heart truly goes out to women who have children with N men. I’ve thankfully enjoyed years of silent no contact with him. I consider myself lucky.

Thanks for sharing and I’m so happy you ‘escaped’ your situation. Having the courage to leave isn’t an easy or quick decision, but you made the right choice and proved yourself strong in the end. No contact is the only way to go with narcissists. 🙂

Great point about how they follow patterns. One of the only good things about dealing with a narcissist type is that they’re usually fairly predictable. That’s what helped me to break way from the narcissist in my life – I began to see her patterns and realized that they were not normal, and not okay.

You’re so right, they usually stick to one thing. Example: My narc mother used to only listen to C & W music, NOTHING else, wouldn’t budge if her life depended on it. They have a one-track mind (narrow). Thanks for your comment 🙂

Thank you for sharing this valuable info. My guy and I are putting the pieces together that his ex-wife is a narcissist. We are in the process of learning how to deal with her behaviour, all the lies and manipulation that is so foreign to our understanding of humanity. So this is received with much gratitude

You are most welcome. I’m learning so much about narcissism from a maternal point, and it’s a complicated personality disorder. What I’ve learned is these people totally lack empathy, will never change, only think of themselves and well I could go on and on and on. I also believe now that none of her anger and hate is my fault. Good thing to know now, finding out 50 years later.

Very accurately described. I currently “co-parent” with my ex who is a narc. I keep as much physical and emotional distance between us as is possible. He’s constantly saying negative things about me to the kids, and unfortunately his opinions seem to influence them far more than mine do. But I won’t give up. I believe I’m giving them the best life they can have whilst with me.