Here Are The 5 Questions You Should Ask To Fall In Love

Love is tricky business. You have to be at the right place at the right time and you have to come across the right person while wearing the right thing. So, obviously, there are a lot of ways this whole thing could go wrong. But to help increase your odds of finding ~the one~ and decrease your odds of dying alone while your cats feast on your face, I’m going to help you out. And considering I’ve had like, seven boyfriends in my life and was only dumped by six of them so far, I think I know a thing or two about L-O-V-E.

But, in case no one buys my bullshit, I’m using cold hard facts from someone who knows a little more about relationships than I do. Dr. Monica O’Neal, a brain and love expert, spoke to Cosmopolitan and dished about what you should say to trick him into falling in love with you. Did I say “trick?” Good. That’s exactly what I meant.

1. Why Me?

Don’t ask this in a whiney “am I pretty? Why do you like me? What are our babies going to look like” way. Ask in in a way that doesn’t make you seem like a total conceited piece of shit. Basically, you want to see what, exactly, it was about you that made you stand out. Whether he answers “your tits” or “the fact that we enjoy the same kind of books” (*cough* nerd *cough*) you’ll know what you’re dealing with off the bat. And yes. Your ego will be stroked just a bit. Two birds, you know?

2. Where Did You Hide The Body?

You’ll learn two things here. First, whether or not he’s a serial killer. From there you can decide how you feel about that. You’ll also learn about his previous relationship. While the ol’ “tell me about your ex who I’ve already meticulously stalked” conversation seems scary, it’s actually important. If he brushes it off or says some bullshit about it being mutual, he’s full of shit. If he starts trashing the girl he’s probably also full of shit. Basically, you want a guy who’s open and honest and as little full of shit as possible. So like, good luck.

3. Have You Been In Love Before?

I know this question seems like social suicide. But hey, the doc says to ask it so I’ll take her word on it. She advises only doing this in slightly older, more mature relationships, so maybe don’t ask the drunken sophomore who’s trying to make out with you at the library. It’s a really tricky one to accomplish, so I’m going to let the professionals explain this one:

You can ask this in the context of knowing what made the other person swipe right. And really listen, pay attention, have a little conversation about it. And then when they quiet off a little bit, look them solid in the eye and say to them, “Do I seem like I’m that kind of woman?” It’s a very powerful moment. What it does is, you can see the other person get uncomfortable. And it’s not like you’re trying to make them uncomfortable, but you want to stop the music for a moment and make sure they’re looking at you in a particular way. And the people who can do that and want to do that, I think that would give you a real clue if this is someone to pursue. And that’s a subtle way of saying, “I want something serious. I want to be special.” Because we all do.

Yeah. Seems easy, right?

4. What’s Wrong With You?

Okay. He seems great. Why the eff is he still single? Basically what you want to ask here is why he’s alone, without outright asking it. You know. Play with his teeny tiny heart. Ask him what people complained about in previous relationships. Once you know each other a little bit, this is something to dive into. If he blows it off and says “nothing I’m great” then blow him off because he’s a God dang liar. But if he’s honest with you, and if he’s seen the error of his ways, know that you have a good one.

5. What’s Your Size?

Wallet size. Salary size. 401(k) size. Earning potential size. Ring size. Penis size. All of the important sizes. Once you know these, you’ll know whether or not to get a monogram change ready.

Well, okay. You should ask 4/5 of those. I’m not going to tell you which ones, though. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and it’s every bitch for herself. Just a hint though, I’m pretty sure guys think it’s cute when you compare his size to that of your ex. Yeah. Pretty sure I read that somewhere..

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Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.