HTTV: A Totally Real Sneak Preview

HUZZAH! The Kickstarter has been Kickstarted. HTTV shall be printed, just as Steve Gutenberg anticipated when he invented the four-color glossy printing press in 1988. Not only that, but with Draftstreet picking up the tab for express shipping, you will receive it mere seconds after it is mailed. But what will you actually GET for your money?* I thought it might be interesting for people who contributed to get a sneak peek at what is in this year’s HTTV, as well as to hopefully convince those of you on the fence to secure your copy while you still can.

*Disclaimer: I have not seen the magazine yet, so these are just my assumptions of what will be in there. But it all seems pretty likely.

Full Team Preview

Brian provides an in-depth look at every position group. Some tidbits:

The defensive line section spends a couple of pages analyzing the various positions along the DL, including how Michigan will adapt to Ondre Pipkins’ injury, how the snap distribution is likely to shake out at the 3-tech DT spot, and whether we can expect Frank Clark to take another step forward.

The parts about the linebackers and secondary are a combined 37 pages long, and largely consist of hand-drawn battle scenes of Jake Ryan and Jabrill Peppers attacking ninjas and robot dinosaurs with fighter jets and tanks. Complete with “neeeeeeeerrrrrrrVRROOOOOOOMMM” sound effects.

The part about the offensive line is a quarter of a page long, and consists mostly of a drawing of a seven-legged spider.

In-depth analysis.

The quarterback section is exactly one word long. I can’t tell you what it is, but it rhymes with “Kevin.”

The running back section is just a list of every calorie Derrick Green has consumed since the end of last season.

The wide receiver section is a full-page explanation of why Devin Funchess is a wide receiver, not a tight end.

The tight end section is a full-page explanation of why Devin Funchess is a wide receiver, not a tight end.

Opponent Previews

Ace basically watched every available snap of every opponent Michigan will face this year other than Notre Dame and Ohio State. He broke the tape down, player by player, until he had a handle on the personnel and how they were used in the various offensive and defensive schemes. He then looked at the teams in the broader context of their previous seasons and used everything to put together a comprehensive and cohesive picture of what we can expect in 2014.

Meanwhile, I Googled “what is Notre Dame football” and “Ohio State intelligence joke” and pretty much copied and pasted the first few results. Between the two of us, this is what we found:

Appalachian State is bad and we shouldn’t be playing them.

Miami (NTM) is bad and we shouldn’t be playing them.

Rutgers is bad and we shouldn’t be playing them.

Maryland might actually be good and we shouldn’t be playing them.

Michigan State will be good and we shouldn’t be playing them where we are playing them.

Minnesota is probably bad but BROWN JUG.

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team is the intercollegiate football team of the University of Notre Dame. The team is currently coached by Brian Kelly and play home games at the campus’s Notre Dame Stadium, with a capacity of 80,795.

Ohio State ain’t come to play school.

Twisted Blue Steel

The creative essay portion of HTTV. People wax poetic on things of interest. This year's things of interest:

A farewell to Jeremy Gallon. If you were wondering how many ways in 2,000 words you can call someone short without using the word “short,” the answer is 61.

A farewell to Denard. Yeah, I know. He left two years ago. SHUT UP AND READ ABOUT DENARD.

A farewell to Trey Burke. See above.

An inspiring piece about the scrappy underdog tale of Hunter Lochmann. From his childhood days with a Darren Rovell poster on his wall and nothing but hand-me-down marketing plans, he learned the game from his sandlot strategy meetings, and managed to fight his way to the top. I challenge you to not cry at the description of the slow clap that follows his first successful SEO initiative.

Technical Dossier

The X’s and O’s. Space Coyote does a lot of it, so I don’t fully understand it. But it looks impressive, and I’ll take his word for it.

An explanation of the change to the 4-3 Over from the 4-3 Under, and something about Doug Nussmeier. Blah blah.

A detailed explanation of how running plays are designed to, under ideal circumstances, move the ball closer to the end zone.

A bunch of pretty pictures with lines and stuff.

Additional Things

There are also a few other tidbits and other assorted whatnot buried in the book. I don’t want to give them all away, because half of the fun is finding them for yourself, but here are a few:

The first letters of every line will give you a really nice recipe for chicken tetrazzini. The secret is nutmeg.

The lower right-hand corner acts as a flipbook of the Dileo power-slide.

The paper is made from real recycled pieces of Devin Gardner’s ribs. This wasn’t actually intentional; Michigan State just sacked him into a paper mill when this particular batch of paper was being made.

Everyone who purchases HTTV will have a chance to play three snaps at right guard this season.

If you read HTTV while listening to Guns N' Roses' "Appetite for Destruction," it syncs up in a really cool way. If you read at the right speed. And change some of the lyrics.

One Other Reason

There is one other reason to buy this magazine: you will want this magazine. You might not think so right now, because this has been a long and generally crappy few months. You don't think you'll be excited about this football season. I know, because I felt the same way. And then I started watching video of last year's Michigan/Notre Dame game and Michigan/Ohio State game to write my stuff, and I remembered how much I love college football.

You'll get there, too. It might be in early August, or it might not be until the team runs out of the tunnel, but you will get there. You'll get that familiar feeling of anticipation and dread that has accompanied those September saturdays your entire adult life. Regardless of the team turmoil or the weak schedule, it will at some point strike you that Michigan is playing football, and you will once again fall under the autumn spell. There's no shame in it. It happens to the best of us.

"It would be a travesty, it would be ridiculous to all of a sudden come back and get the feeling back, get the health back, feel good again and then all of a sudden go throw some other colors on my shirt and go coach."

I saw some of the '13 M-ND game on BTN recently. The crowd was going absolutely nuts with the pom-poms and the 7 nation army stuff. Is it too much to ask for them to bring that kind of intensity to the App St. game?

I can't even think of a reason why the crowd should do something like that. Personally I'd rather they cheer for the team when appropriate but during the downtimes, turn and flip off whereever Brandon is sitting for scheduling this terrible, terrible idea of a game.

Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order because it is better organized.

"You don't think you'll be excited about this football season. I know, because I felt the same way. And then I started watching video of last year's Michigan/Notre Dame game and Michigan/Ohio State game to write my stuff, and I remembered how much I love college football. You'll get there, too."

This is disturbingly on target to how I feel. Every fall, I wonder why I like this so much and think about giving it up, but then I realize - this is just who I am. It's family, home, heritage... there's no way around it. The results don't change it. In the end, there I am. I love the game so much that I'm actually just poking around Youtube these days, watching highlights of random games from last season. It's time for September.

The good thing is that I have found a nice method for mitigating the stress & terror I feel at every game. I've become a big fan of my grad school, which is a mediocre D-III program whose games I can attend for free. We usually hover around .500, and even managed a winning season last year (first time since 2008). It's great fun, because I can enjoy the wins without getting worked up over the losses. Kinda like rooting for the Lions.