The Fragile Child

There are fragile objects all over our home: We have a chandelier, some crystal vases, windows, and wine glasses in the china closet. These objects beautify and enhance our homes, but if not handled carefully, they will easily crack or even break.

In our homes there are also fragile children. They are delicate souls. By nature they are very sensitive and highly emotional. They appear in many shapes and sizes: The loner. The bully. The insecure child. The anxious child. The obnoxious child.

These children aren’t bad or dangerous, nor are they in any way inferior to more hardy children. They are just “fragile,” and are easily affected by the way they are handled. They, too, beautify our families and enhance our lives.

It is important to handle all of our children with great sensitivity and loving care, but with a child who is delicate, such care is not only necessary, it is crucial.

Fragile children do not have a label on them, but parents know intuitively which of their children require special handling. We don’t want to cause them damage, nor do we want to get hurt in the process.

We need to learn how to handle the fragile children entrusted to our care, so that they can grow up to become beautiful, happy, and successful adults.

I offer these “10 Commandments” that are fundamental in dealing with, educating, and bringing out the best of the fragile child. Your delicate child wants and needs you to understand him, and these ideas can help you do that.

Most of these rules apply to all children, but when it comes to delicate children they become critically important, and proven to succeed. It is important that they be employed at all times and in all situations.

1. Don’t challenge the child’s emotions

While you’re not expected to walk on eggshells around your sensitive child, it is vital that you understand how sensitive your child is. Any expression, gesture or statement that is degrading, insulting or even “just” sarcastic can be very hurtful. It can unfortunately also cause a breakdown in trust and create a lot of resentment that can simmer for years. With a bit of forethought and patience, one can come up with creative ways to say almost anything without hurting someone’s feelings.

Your fragile child has a strong need for you to validate his concerns.

Saying something that trivializes what is important to him can be hurtful and create a lack of trust. Validating, and even justifying his needs, does not necessarily mean that you agree with the child, or that you are prepared to immediately fulfill his wishes.

3. Never humiliate the child in any way

Nobody ever deserves to be humiliated, but a fragile child needs special care because he gets humiliated very quickly (often, even when there is no intent).

It goes without saying that one should never intentionally embarrass a child. The expression “to die of embarrassment” is real: people can feel they are dying inside when someone embarrasses them. This is true even with people who are not fragile; how much more so with the sensitive child! If letting something go “unnoticed” will save the child from feeling humiliated, it’s most often the best way to go. Don’t notice everything! Let some things go.

4. Never force anything

Even when it seems like force is your only option, refrain from using it to get the sensitive child to do something. Sure, you may force your will on the child at that moment, but it will almost surely backfire. This child will usually resent the fact that something was forced upon him, and it may be the exact reason why at a later date he will be contrary and choose to do the exact opposite of what you requested or taught. Take some time to think of ways to encourage this kind of child to do things willingly, without coercion.

5. Constantly show respect (not honor!) for your child

Show your child that you respect him. You can ask him for his opinion and when possible, act upon it.

Notice any achievement, any growth, any improvement, and make a big deal about it.

Respect the child’s boundaries and privacy. The sensitive child is craving respect, and the more you can supply him with that, the healthier the child will be.

6. Make your child feel important, special, and needed

Besides making sure that your child feels that you love him and respect him, it is important to let him know that he is a very special and important part of your life. He really counts! The fragile child is always yearning to feel important. Don’t wait until he asks for it. Let him know unequivocally that without him your life would not be complete.

7. Listen attentively

Your child may have a lot to share. If the timing does not work for you, it’s fine to be honest and clear about it. However, make sure you tell him and to arrange an alternate time when you will be able to listen wholeheartedly. When you do listen, your expression, body language and gestures should convey that you are fully there. You should convey with words and expressions, “I am interested in what you are sharing with me.”

8. Show your appreciation

It’s not enough to be appreciative, it’s crucial to demonstrate it, especially with the fragile child. This child is craving your acknowledgment and appreciation.

Your gratitude and acknowledgement of even the smallest thing will encourage more of the same. The more you appreciate something he does, the more often the child will willingly repeat the action.

9. Give compliments sincerely, appropriately, and judiciously

It’s in your best interest to boost the self-esteem of your sensitive child, and one of the best ways to do it is by praising him. Be aware though, that being too direct and complimenting the child too often may backfire. He may be skeptical of such generous compliments and not take them seriously. Instead, compliment an action that the child did, or discuss the positive action with a third-party when the child is listening. This can really go a long way in making a child feel good about himself.

10. Believe in your child

It is quite probable that this fragile child may not believe in himself. Therefore, how you feel about your child will strongly affect him. The more you believe in your child, and the more you express it, the healthier your child’s ego will be. Constantly reevaluate: How does your child think you view him? Do you see him as a loser or a winner? What messages are you giving him?

When you implement these 10 Commandments, you will see that your child will be happier and healthier, and as a result, more capable of reaching his true potential.

There are always challenging situations that arise with children, and especially with sensitive children. If you are encountering frequent problems, you will need to acquire additional skills to help you bolster his sense of self but also to implement proper boundaries and institute necessary consequences in a way that will not trigger even more rebellious behavior.

When dealing with a sensitive child, these rules must be immutable. Only then will you and your child be in a winning position where you can parent and educate successfully.

About the Author

Rabbi Shimon Gruen is the founder of Leha’ir, an organization that offers classes, workshops, teleconferences, and counseling geared to promote conflict resolution and relationship building, with a special emphasis on parents and educators. Rabbi Gruen specializes in practical tools for marriage communication, classroom management, effective teaching, and success in the workplace. His forthcoming book Never Get Into a Conflict Again, will be published in Fall 2017. See more of what he does at www.lehair.org.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(6)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2017 7:44 PM

Thank you!

As an educational therapist, I have worked with many sensitive children over the years who have taught me the importance of listening and responding with sensitivity to them. Thank you for sharing these crucial points so that these children may grow and flourish!

(5)
Shimon Gruen,
June 26, 2017 3:09 PM

Thank you all for your comments!

Thank you all for your wonderful comments and feedback. There really is so much to say about this topic of fragile children. So much of this fragility that we see in children is part of their personality, and comes well before much of the noticeable "causes" that seem to add to their hypersensitivity. Of course the nature and the nurture work together over time, and that's why it's all the more important to notice this fragile child's sensitivity before any damage is done.I'd like to refer you to some lectures I gave on the topic, which will shed light on the big picture of understanding children's personalities correctly. Feel free to check out those lectures at www.torahanytime.com (I'm a guest speaker there), specifically the ones titled "Is it my child…", "Kids at risk", and of course, "The fragile child". Thanks again, SG

(4)
rebecca,
June 26, 2017 3:00 AM

great advice

Great advice! Much better than placing these gentle creative souls on psychiatric drugs with all their toxic side effects!

Nancy,
June 27, 2017 11:36 AM

To commenter #4 Rebecca

No responsible physician will place a child on a psychotropic drug if that child does not need it.

(3)
Gunther,
June 25, 2017 11:35 PM

teach how to fight both verbally and phyiscally

Write an article on how parents can teach fragile children to defend themselves both physically and verbally.

(2)
Ronald Sevenster,
June 25, 2017 9:29 PM

How to cure a child from extreme sensitivity?

What I miss in this article is any helpful thoughts on how to help a child to become less sensitive, less emotionally vulnerable. Vulnerability exists in a heightened awaress of oneself and an increased activity of the imagination of what might happen. This is not something morally indifferent. It follows from subconsciously considering oneself exceptional, which — unless if it is a consequence of being a genius — is oftentimes a hidden sense of pride.

(1)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2017 2:11 PM

Now, how not to create a sensitive child

Now that you have offered wise and practical advice for raising healthy, well-adjusted children, please address the issue of parents creating hypersensitive children by projecting on them their own paranoia, phobias and ill-informed prejudices. These children grow up anxious, fearful, arrogant and angry at the world which won't accede to their unreasonable expectations.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...