Tories to scrap policy of free breast milk for newborns

The Government has announced that babies could soon be charged for suckling at their mother’s teat if controversial new plans are given the green light.

‘These infant layabouts are a drain on their mother’s breasts, and whichever way you look at it they are sucking the system dry,’ said health minister, Anne Milton. ‘Children under the age of one contribute next to nothing to society, and it’s about time they gave something back. Breast milk doesn’t just grow on trees, you know.’

Under the scheme the Government will effectively privatise mothers’ breasts and impose a ‘milk tax’ on newborns which they will begin paying as soon as they start earning enough pocket money. ‘Privatisation went pretty well with the miners, and this is just a different type of natural resource,’ said Milton. ‘Back in my day, plenty of children would have given their eye teeth for delicious, nutritious breast milk, and now that the Tooth Fairy has joined our list of accredited debt collectors, they may have to.’

So far the proposal has been met with widespread opposition, with only the Royal College of Wet Nursing showing any support for it. Critics have estimated that the scheme could result in children leaving primary school with debts totalling several pounds, while those from the poorest families may be left with a choice between a criminal career in tax evasion or a lifetime of people laughing at their bandy legs.

But with the scale of the fiscal deficit facing the Government, the Prime Minister has this time offered his support to the health minister’s proposals. ‘We have to find savings from somewhere, so all options are on the table – which, sadly, is likely to be the fate of Samantha’s breasts in a few months.’