Category: 1976

[ SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: And now, in another part of the French Quarter, covering crowd reaction, we take you to Eric Idle.

[ dissolve to Eric Idle, seated at an outdoor table ]

Eric Idle: Bonjour, madame! [ extends his greeting in German ] Hello, and welcome to the Cafe [?], here in the heart of the New Orleans French Quarter. Here, there’s an atmosphere of almost unbelievable gaity — [ glances around the empty outdoor cafe ] and festivity. You can practically smell Mardi Gras here! The atmosphere, for four days, has been a feeling of Carnival, which was, uh, really here up to, uh, well, just a few short minutes ago, uh – before you came over here. [ grins ] The place was literally PACKED with revelers, party makers wearing beads and singing and dancing – it was a real Carnival atmosphere, and we were all having a really fun, fun time — up until a couple of moments ago. Literally, crowds of people were literally thronging [?] these streets, literally hundreds of GAY — uh, happy — folks were.. LURKING all over the place! What a pity, they’ve all gone.

Well, as you can see, the Carnival gaity, right now, seems to becoming also more fun here, as, in fact, from elsewhere. So let’s go, right away, over somewhere else! [ taps his earpiece ] Well, in fact, they say No. Apparently, we have some little technical problem – ha! – so we must stay here. Ha! Which, in fact, gives me time to tell you that, at the moment, it’s quite quiet here, in the French Quarter. [ glances at the emptiness that surrounds him ] Uh, but recently, it’s been much, much, MUCH noisier. Ha ha!

[ looks off to his side ] Well,the reveler over here — I think I can see one — why don’t we just go over right now, and ask what he’s doing here and how he’s enjoying Mardi Gras? [ steps over to a masked reveler seated alone at another table ] Sir, how are you doing enjoying Mardi Gras? [ the reveler falls face first into his food ] Ha! Fine. So, uh – just to recap – ha! – this is, as you know, Mardi Gras, and we are, uh, coming live from it! And we’re having a heck of a lot of fun! You bet.

Uh – Mardi Gras, incidentally, means Fat Tuesday, and is named after the legendary New Orleans singer, Fat Tuesday. He, uh, he was a friend of Fats Domino and Fats Waller – there were three of them, all fat, and one Tuesday. [ breathes heavily ] So! Uh.. a word about the French Quarter: only half of the French Quarter is, in fact, French; another quarter of the French Quarter is not at all French; a hald of the maining quarter is a bit French; and one-quarter of the remaining quarter of the quarter is Polish. [ taps his earpiece ] Ah! Well, I’m very glad to tell you that we can now — [ his smile freezes ] stay here.. a little bit.. longer. So. [ checks his watch ] Ha ha! Ah! [ pulls a postcard out of his jacket ] Incidentally, here – here is a picture of – of one of the parades. It’s a postcard – ha! – uh – this should show you what it’s, in fact, like at the moment! [ points to various points on the postcard ] Ha! Here, you can see Bacchus. Here’s Buck and Jane, over there. [ bounces the postcard up and down ] In fact, if I move it around a little bit, you’ll get some idea of — [ audience cheers ]

Well, it must be really exciting over there by now! Ha! What a pity.. we’re not over there. [ tosses the postcard across the way, then stretches his arm out and begins to sing: ] “If I ruled the world! / Every day would be the first day of Spring! –“

[ the reveler seated facefirst in his food now falls to the pavement, as Idle checks on him ]
[ fade ]

Jane Curtin: Ah! But most people don’t know that, when they visit New Orleans, it’s not the real New Orleans, but an accurate replica, made of over 45,000 tons of orlioite[?] synthetic polyfiber board, created by the Walt Disney Leisure Group, for use in amusement parks and retirement villas throughout the great nation. Isn’t that fascinating, Buck?

Buck Henry: Very interesting. You know, Jane – at one time — [ he dodges a pair of flying beads ] At one time, New Orleans was the home of pirates, buccaneers – among whom was, perhaps, the most notorious of them all, the infamous pirate Jean Lafitte.

Jean Lafitte: [ in a thick French accent ] Hello, there! I am Jean Lafitte! This is my home – New Orleans, in the early 19th Century. Please, I invite you to look around – it’s Mardi Gras, and I welcome all of you! But, first, let’s get something straight: A lot of people call me a pirate, you know? In history legends, they say, “The pirate, Jean Lafitte.” [ shakes his head ] I do not consider myself a pirate, you know? I’m a privateer, a cossair[?], a brigham[?], a rogue – you know? Or perhaps, if you will, an independent marine contractor, you know? But not a pirate – NEVER a pirate! I HATE that word: “pirate.” Okay? Come on – let’s take a look around my marketplace. [ steps off to the side, removes his jacket ] As you can see, it’s been a pretty god year for me and my men.

Jean Lafitte: Well, it’s nice to have you aboard – it is nice to have good, loyal men, huh?

David Benoit: I-I just want to say that I think that you’re, uh — [ tosses Lafitte’s jacket aside ] you’re one of the finest pirates in all the by-you!

Jean Lafitte: [ frowns ] Look, uh, do not call me a pirate, okay? [ whips out his pistol and shoots Benoit to the ground, then faces the camera ] Look – I’m not a pirate. Call me a privateer, a cossair[?], a bandit – you know? But NEVER a pirate! Okay?

David Benoit: A pirate!

Jean Lafitte: Yeah! Now, I really mean it this time, okay? I’m sorry. Now, pirates attack anything that floats! I’m selective about it! Look, I’ll tell you what I do – here’s how I got it set up. [ takes a piece of paper out of his jacket ] I fly a flag of Argentina, you know? I’ve got letters of mark here, that says I can sink, plunder any ship standing on the Spanish vessel – you know, any Spanish vessel. That’s not piracy. That’s what we call “positive seizure of cargo in transit.”

[ she whips the sword towards his feet, but he dodges it by leaping into the air. The clash their swords together several time, until she knocks his sword to the ground, steps on it, then holds her sword to his neck. ]

Jean Lafitte: Very well, you win – we’ll have the white instead! [ she allows him to return to his feet ] It’s a bit frightening, you know what I mean? I don’t like to fight somebody like that. Hey, Marie?

Marie-Claire: Uh, yes, Monsieur Lafitte?

Jean Lafitte: What is the word that I hate the most in the whole world?

Marie-Claire: Ummmmm — pirate!

Jean Lafitte: Right. [ points shotgun at her and fires it, as she screams and falls ] Aaarghh!! I hate it! Call me a charlatan! Call me a brigham[?]! Call me a punk! Call me a cheap swashbuckler!! But I’m no PIRATE, you know what I mean?! Look! I don’t drop my captured treasure in some sleazy hall, or a trunk buried on a beach somewhere! I’ve got professionals working for me! I’ve got bookkeeppers, I’ve got lawyers! I get my treasured washed every week! My doubloons are laundered by professionals, you know what I mean?! [ removes his belt and sword ]
[ a worker yells at Lafitte from atop a balcony ]

Worker: Hey, Jean! I went to Paris! I stole for your mother!

[ angry, Lafitte fires a shot and drops the worker into a haystack below ]

Jean Lafitte: Oh. Sorry, very sorry. Well, anyway — right now, my big problem is what to wear to the big Mardi Gras masquerade ball, you know? I usually go as a harlequin, you know, something like that. [ begins changing behind a panel ] But, this year, just to let people know that Jean Lafitte is a good sort, you know — just to prove that — hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo-oo-oo-oo!! Oh, am I going to have a laugh on them! [ steps out from behind the panel, now disguised as a pirate ] I’m going as a PIRATE! Hey, hey — I’m NOT a pirate, I’m just GOING as one, you know? I HATE it.. but it’ll fool everybody, you know? [ chuckles ] HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!

[ dissolve to the cheering crowd of revelers ]
[ zoom in on one woman, with caption: “Spells Kunte Kinte With a ‘C'” ]
[ fade ]