Yo NYC! ‘Chu doin’ tonight? Get off your ass and go check out lady rapper/dj extraordinaire (and total Ligerbeat girl crush) Jasmine Solano. This Philly girl turned Brooklyn broad is about her business, and you know we always super duper extra cosign ladies doin’ it for they damn selves. Whether holding down the decks at her weekly dance party Electric Punanny (what about the part where cohost Melo X describes the party as “an electric vagina oozing with wetness”–he ain’t lyin’), lacing the mic lovely while on tour with the homies Ninjasonik, or blazing up the airwaves with that heat on Emerson College’s WERS, Miss Jazzy is definitely one to watch. But don’t take my word for it. Go peep for yourselves.

Wednesday night we celebrated the international players’ holiday that is Calisha Jenkins’s day of birth. Last weekend we were educating some young bucks, whose blunt we were scheming on natch, about our Ligerbeat mission. It’s still pretty new, after all, and we have yet to exhaust the endless appeal of disclosing our status as pornographers to unsuspecting strangers. One guy’s reaction was to tell Calisha that she looked “experienced,” then offered a sweet “but the lighting’s pretty bad in here.” Thanks, guy. A few days away from the big two-seven, our poor little bean took this to heart, and was determined to make this the best twenty-seventh birthday she had ever had. Cue the Sex and the City theme music over a crunk beat if you must.

The Japanther and Ninjasonik dudes hit us up about a secret show with Spank Rock at the Chief Mag showspace (a vacant bodega) around the way, so that’s where the evening started out.

Yeah, that’s a Snuggie and a Budweiser bathing suit. Can we get some sponsorships over here or what?

Next we bounced to Happy Ending for a Ligerbeat-approved set by Dirty Finger and Teen Wolf. See that guy cowering behind his arm, bracing for impending Snuggie hurricane impact? He beefed with us about a bathroom line and said, and I quote, “If this was five years ago, I would break this glass over your fucking head.” To which CaLeisure responded by dance attacking his face. Later he tried to buy her a drink and was overheard asking Yung Ho what she thought his chances of taking the birthday girl home were. Douche-che-che-che.

Well, I mean, we don’t run into ’em that often. For the most part, we have been overwhelmed in a major way by all of the love, hard dick, and bubblegum that our adoring fans have rained upon us like they was kells and we were a couple sixteen year old R&B groupies.

So when we heard some dickless e-thug was hating on craigslist of all places, we knew two things: 1) we must really be poppin off if we have our first he-man womanhater blowing the whistle on us; and 2), we had to investigate. Here is what we found:

LigerBeat cunts… – m4w – 24 (Camel)

Reply to: pers-1017374718@craigslist.org

Date: 2009-02-02, 10:15AM EST

“Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!” You expect us not to think yer all whores??? Fuck that shit. You are some dirty bitches. I feel bad for any guy that fucked one of you dirtbags lastnight.

Ligerbeat – w4m – 21 (Camel)

Reply to: pers-1017417697@craigslist.org

Date: 2009-02-02, 10:44AM EST

Did everyone get a clear free view of the chics ass in the red dress who was dry humping her boyfriend at the bar for about an hour..or whaat. She started to take her clothes of too…damns.

Ligerbeat LADIES. (Downtown)

Reply to: pers-1017475849@craigslist.org

Date: 2009-02-02, 11:20AM EST

“Blah blah, yer all whores.” WAY to miss the point you fucking nerd.

So much respect for these ladies.

First of all, we are the Ligerbeat ladies. We get it how we live, hate us ’cause you ain’t us. Just an educated guess: you showed up to our jam thinking getting your dick wet was a given, what with all the fine foxy wimmens flitting about in all of our dickloving glory. Unfortch, your game was straight garbage and your grillatin was busted to the utmost, so you went home alone and then cried about it on missed connections the next day. So sad.

Here’s some more excellent photos of our evening, which involved an exorbitant group bar tab, shirtless manservant, mad martinis, dick cakes, and ludicrous levels of looseness on the dance flo. shouts to the camel for putting up with our dickery, the excellent dj’s, and errybody who came through. Ligerbeat loves Richmond!

The ladies arrived Friday with dick on their minds and raising money in their hearts. Being a pornographer is by far the greatest job any cock ravenous woman could ever have. We would like to thank everyone for coming out and showing support. We would like to thank all the dicks fit for print and our lovely intern Emily who build us necessary things like dick pinatas and dick cakes.

Hurry up and place your orders for the first issue of Ligerbeat. It would be selfish of us not to share.

So this was the first porno party I’ve ever thrown. I wasn’t quite sure what a porno party should consist of so I bought what I like to have at parties. Lots of candy, cake,streamers,balloons, Lots of dicks, European Bartenders, Prizes to hand out for liger worthy individuals and booty music. Boners were popping and locking from left to right. R Kelly was bumping and dry martinis were the drink of choice. We danced until 2am and I can’t even remember where the rest of the night went. Porn Empire here we come. We’ve got boners full of candy and we are taking over.

I’ve been starring at joanna angels page all day. The sexorcist is the most amazing porno I have ever seen in my life. This weekend marks the first ever porno dance party in Richmond Virginia. The ladies are coming in from NY and we are going to tear this city apart. All hopeful male ligers please bring your boners. Who gives a shit about superbowl sunday when theres Ligerbeat sunday. 18+ my dear friends.