An increasingly-used euphemism for when a woman's breast accidentally pops out in public is 'wardrobe malfunction'. Blokes usually call it a result.

To blokes a wardrobe malfunction is not having one to hide in, which reminds me of the day I came home and found the moosus in bed with my best friend. 'Bad dog,' I said to him.

A wardrobe malfunction is generally used to propel the woman whose wardrobe has malfunctioned back into the limelight, a la Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

It can, however, also propel men to the toilet bowl, a la Judy Finnigan at the National Television Awards. The sight of a well-known woman's breast during wardrobe malfunction is normally accompanied by the clicking of paparazzi cameras so should not be confused with the sight of a woman's boob during breast-feeding, which is accompanied only by the clicking of my camera.

Actually I'm 100 per cent against breast-feeding in public - the baby's head keeps getting in the way.

Bookies are betting on which Dancing On Ice maiden will be first to have a WM during the new series that starts this weekend.

Suzanne Shaw, more accustomed to a boyfriend malfunction, is the 7-4 joint-favourite with Samantha Mumba, but the clever money will surely go on former topless model Linda Lusardi (left) at 5-2.