Thursday, November 08, 2012

2084 - You're watching Big Brother

Back to
the futile – Part I

“Skyfall”, the latest Bond flick is pretty
entertaining. As we exited the theatre, one of the blokes was commenting to his girlfriend, “Its become like a Hindi movie – revenge, family, and all that”.
I like Hindi movies and I liked this Bond movie too. The sole sore spot was
this Bond girl who’s acting talent is God like – you can’t see it. Thankfully,
she’s got a shot role (sic).

A significant event was to see the impact of Dr
Ramadoss. The anti-smoking efforts at the theatre. It begins with a gory clip of what happens to
smokers – concluding with a towel (black) being squeezed out and filling a mug– that’s the
annual tar intake for an average smoker, according to the ad. If you’re a
smoker, the urge to have a puff climaxes with the clip and you want to race out
to grab a puff. Those who don’t smoke
are wondering why the main feature has been delayed for this.

Then, during a taut moment in the flick, a
character (a few of them actually) lights up and THERE”S A STATUTORY WARNING IN LARGE
PRINT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FRAME!! Also
noticeable for the strategic product placement at points in the movie. There’s
a notebook computer that’s clearly VAIO, just in case you forgot that Columbia
Pictures is owned by SONY. Let’s call these guys – Big-Step Brother.

Big Brother is here telling you to be a good
boy (or girl). Is what they hope. Step Brother is happy that you spend on his
product – regardless of the use you put it too.

What if we extend the “ multi-tarrer” approach to the movies in entirety and
commercialize it, then….

Q :
James, these shoes have inbuilt radio transmitters that can frequency
hop on Cellular Networks………..

STATURORY WARNING: Usage of wireless frequency in cellular
spectrum is permitted by service provider who won the auction of 2G/3G/4G spectrum.

Bond film’s budget just went up by about Rs
20,000 crores. Remember his shoes will be on global roaming.

PRODUCERS' CAVEAT: Made from open source, no copyright infringement

(I'm not joking about this. A recent article featured the auction of a music cassette that an Apollo mission took to the moon with Simon and Garfunkel, Jefferson Airplane etc on it. Several readers' comments stated - they'd be arrested on return these days for IPR violations!!! It was a blank tape recorded on)

ADVERTISMENT : What
an IDEA, Sir ji!

SCENE IV – ITEM NUMBER

The hero adjourns to the Nightclub to nail some
underling villain. Its an opportunity for an “item” number and the hero to
dress well – (the post 2008 recession may have producers cutting back on
Armanis and Gucci being ruined in action sequences in sewerage pipes). Of
course, we don’t wonder everyone is wearing dark glasses at night.

STATUTORY WARNING: Usage of loudspeakers after 10 pm only with
written permission from your local police station.

(Also, given the age of the dancers): Liquor
will not be served to those under 25. ID proof may be required.

ADVERTISMENT:

SANDY – Sound systems to blow your mind

(to be
placed at point hero shoots underling in the head.)

RAYMAN – Dark glasses that can see in the dark.

SCENE V - CLIMAX

Climax: Total mayhem. Guns, bullets, explosions
– the building collapses, the trees are on fire.

STATUTORY WARNING: Ownership of Guns without a license is
prohibited. Only 3 litres of kerosene permitted at subsidized rate. Villian’s henchmen cannot claim NREGA funds
during the period of shoot (sic).

Sholay Limited – fires created through usage
of solar power on film sets.

PETA – all microbes on set safely evacuated to
labs prior to destruction of sets. Only animal left was the villian, who wasn't hurt during shooting.

Somewhere, in between all this – you can pay
attention to the dialogue. Maybe PVR will offer power Speed Reading classes with the popcorn). Though, if you’re watching some film
like the Agneepath remake (no dialogue)…or Karan Johar (only songs……..and then
some words like “love’…) or a Steven Segal movie (he’ s mumbling anyway).