What's up folks? I hope you guys are having helluva fun this vacations! Watched Bajirao Mastani. Good movie, especially Ranveer's acting. It could have been better had they portrayed more of warrior Bajirao rather than lover Bajirao. Deepika is insanely beautiful as usual!
Meanwhile, high court just acquitted Bhai of all the charges in that
classic hit and run case! Only Bhai can go to a bar and drink a glass of
water! Bhai Roxx!

Moving on, I just happened to log in to my facebook account after like a month. The first thing that popped up is a random girl's display picture. Well, she was lying on a beach, tangerine sunset in the background. Overall it was a great picture, especially the scenic paradise in the background! And what caught my eye was the caption, "Ur attitude may hurt me but mine can even kill u! ;)"
Never mind. That escalated pretty quickly. The relation between the caption and the photo was just like the relation between Kejriwal and Modi these days. It killed the whole ecstasy of that picture! The icing on the cake was although the comments section. There were these guys going all head over balls about how beautiful the picture was and how she's the most charming person in this universe!

When you went in outer space to click it, of course it deserves a 'nice click'

Not just pictures, status updates too. Just the other day, this girl on my timeline had posted "Having coffee" at Starbucks, 'with Priyanka and 3 others'
And within moments there were about 10 to 12 guys who were researching on her coffee and preparing a goddamn thesis about the fact that she enjoying a coffee with her friends, means so much to them! Yes. Good luck getting laid, you pathetic shits. You can literally feel their drool, gently rolling down the comments section! It seems their desperation is definitely on Viagra!

Also, I never quite understood the mystery or logic behind writing completely unrelated deep shit philosophical quotes below your profile picture. For instance, there was this guy who had posted a photo in which he was holding a cigarette and it was captioned "It's not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves!"
Oh come on man, you're not holding your destiny or something. You're just holding cancer. Fucking cancer, in your hand. By the way, that was a Shakespeare quote. I know. Even I could hear the screams of Shakespeare crying himself to death, up there in heaven.

Only racist people will get this.

There are times when the quotes are so deep, I repeat, so deep that up there even Rumi and Ghalib make out with each other and go to sleep, weeping uncontrollably.

Unfortunately, this idiocy isn't limited to Facebook itself. It's like Ebola. It has managed to spread across and conquer each and every social media platform out there. Yes. Twitter too. Although it might be the least infected one.

For fuck's sake, someone please find her 'Bubu'. Please.

Oh yes, how can I forget WhatsApp! It's like the cosmic universe of absurdity these days. Especially those family WhatsApp groups. They're the classic example nonsensical batcrap in a digital form. Pointless and meaningless shit gets shared there, day after day. Every morning you open the group, only to be greeted warmly by random pictures of ugly looking flowers and autistic babies who wish you 'Good morning'

Of course, all that motivational shit inspires me. It teaches virtues like patience and non-violence. Patience to not go and beat the shit out of morons who send such bullshit.

Dem Feels! Dilse goodnight!

Too much devotion in one pic.

And during festivals, the foolishness just reaches a whole new level! People who don't even care a bit when you're smelling rat's ass the whole year long, suddenly send you "Happy *insert some occasion/event here*" texts. Oh the formality of replying to those texts! Totally ridiculous!

Believe me, I tried my best.But I just couldn't give a fuck.

You know what the hard part is? Keeping the conversation going even when you desperately want it to end. Why do people even bother?

The internet these days is like a digital commode. Where anyone can take a dump as and when they wish to! Just the way I'm doing here right now. No, I don't have a problem with that. Everyone's free to use the internet as they want.
It's just those folks who seem to suffer from virtual diarrhea and constipation. It's them I find detestable. Yes. Go ahead, you're free to call me intolerant.

Okay. So now we are trying to be bow-wow cunts. Great!

Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, Twitter, Dubsmash, SnapChat, Tinder and almost every existing social media platform, you can find these folks everywhere. As Kurt Cobain once said, "I'm just stupid and contagious".
What he meant here is, stupidity in any form is highly contagious. And this is exactly what's happening here. I could go on sharing shitload of snippets but then this this article would just turn into a fucking photo album! In case you need more of this entertainment material, ping me!

Okay. Maybe I should now stop blowing out my ass. Some guy just sent me a snap of his pout faced selfie on SnapChat. Yes, it's a guy. There's this new trend where even guys have started clicking pout faced selfies. Great. They should even consider undergoing a sex change operation. Anyway, this is a democratic country and everyone here has a right to be an idiot.
Okay then, I should take your leave. Oh yes, before signing off here's this month's catalog!

Just got a new domain for my poetry blog. It'shttp://www.deludedsoul.net/
No new poems though as I've discovered a new form of expression! Sketching and art! My sketching skills are just like the guy who hit puberty.Still learning.You can check them out here!

As usual, I'd like to thank Siddhi Pawar and Rohith Jayarajan for proofreading this one. I definitely owe a lot to you folks!

Also, I'd like to thank you all for reading this one. And all the folks who take out time from their precious schedule to read all the bullshit I keep writing here, every month. Love you folks! Personally, 2015 has been an amazing year! One of the best I must say! Wonderful and full of new experiences! I'd like to wish you all a happy Christmas! I hope Santa fulfills all your wishes, if not just beat the shit out of that ugly old fat fuck, the next time you see him. Also, have a new year full of happiness and prosperity! Do check out my other articles, in case you've missed them. Do keep reading and share it with your friends too!
See you folks in 2016, hopefully!

Disclaimer: If you're an extremely religious person or some sort of faith fanatic, stop reading this right away. My intention isn't to offend anyone. I'm just sharing my opinions and my viewpoint here. Yes. Feel free to flush it down the drain, if you disagree. Thank You.

What's up folks? Hope you're enjoying your Diwali vacations. I wish you all a very happy and prosperous Diwali! Yes. Asked God to spread happiness and peace all over, if not, he can go fuck himself. And yes, Happy Children's Day. Never kill that inner child in you. Never.

Moving forward, Modi's in UK. Epic speech at Wembley, must say. I guess he's the second guy of Asian heritage to rock Wembley with such magnitude!
After Freddie Mercury of course! (1986, Queen, live at Wembley)
First Madison Square and now Wembley. A rockstar indeed!No. I’m not a ‘bhakt’ or something but I do admire this guy’s
brilliant oratory skills and the way he connects with the masses.

Moving on, the recent attacks in Paris by ISIS have sent shivers down the spine, worldwide. Such horrifying acts are not human at all. And then they preach, "Terrorism has no religion." and "Pray for Paris."

Now, before you start jumping off to judgements like an autistic kangaroo, I'd like to clear this thing. I'm not against any religion. I don't consider myself qualified enough to do so. I'm against these dogmatic religious douche-bags, who justify stupid bullshit practices in the name of religion or devotion.
Be it absurd practices, inhumane rituals, massive genocides, hatred riots, suicide bombings or acts of terrorism.

Yes.

But why do these things happen? Why does ISIS keep killing people in the name of religion? Of course aggressive expansion and their desire for indisputable power all over the globe.
But looking at the present scenario, I must say the problem is deep rooted.
But how does ISIS manage to lure so many youths for their inhumane cause?
Well paradoxically, the answer is pretty simple, yet complex; Mindset.

They have that ability of brainwashing and radicalizing a person's mindset. Perhaps, their greatest strength. Once you're able to alter a person's ideology, you've got him by the balls.
And how do they do this? Simple. Using religion as a tool.

As kids, we're taught by our parents or our teachers to believe in something that we've absolutely no idea about. To believe in something that has no rational or scientific backing. Yes. Religion.
Deluding us with fancy terms like, spirituality, divinity, morality and crap.
And when the small kid starts to dubiously question all this stuff around him, he's frowned upon by the society and looked at as an outcast.
There. We didn't even realize it but we've already have started brainwashing.
We radicalized the kid and curbed his freedom to ask logical question.
We subtly murdered his curiosity and skeptical nature, rather than developing his scientific temper.
We've unknowingly already prepared his mind, to get indoctrinated by religious extremists.

This is exactly what ISIS does, but on a more professional, political and psychological level.
They brainwash these teenagers and turn them into jihadis, using religion. Their hatred for western culture also acts as a catalyst. Hate is a powerful emotion and ISIS knows how to utilize it effectively.

I'm not saying that every religious person is a potential jihadi. I never said that. I'm just saying that an extremely religious mindset is an easy target for these folks. Religious idealism, immense frustration, emotional discontent and desperation to make their lives worthwhile; these are the things that ISIS banks upon, for their massive recruitment all over the globe.

I had read this news article a few months back about a man from UP, Zafar. He killed
his 4 year old daughter just because the cloth covering her head had
slipped off while she was eating. And this guy thrashed his own daughter
mercilessly & smashed her head, until she was dead. Now that's insane! No. I'm not making up shit. You can read it here.
The
neighbours of Zafar described him as mentally unstable, which no doubt
seems legit. Zafar also claimed to be staunch follower of his religion!

My point here is, why the fuck does terrorism always find a link to religion or politics somehow? Always.
To be frank, I find the whole concept of religion vague as shit. Just like the concept of wearing gold as a sign of prosperity.

Peshawar attacks on school children. Those shootings in American schools. That hideous attack on Charlie Hebdo offices in Paris. Bombay 2008 attacks and the most recent, Paris attacks. The list goes on and on.

Is there a word for killing something that's already dead?

The solution to all this? Well, you might ridicule or laugh at me but the answer is, 'Think'

Yes. Think. We should teach our kids to question, to think in a logical, rational and pragmatic manner rather than preaching them shit and asking them to remain silent.
A mindset so strong that no amount of bullshit can indoctrinate them. That's what we need.
In my opinion, that's the only way to stop this.
Terrorists are those folks, who've stopped thinking. They're just puppets
of someone else's wicked & cruel brains. Jihadis, as we call them. Our supreme intellect and way of thinking is the only thing separates us from animals. And once you lose that thing; the ability to think for yourself, you're no longer a human being. You're an animal. I guess that justifies the brutal and heinous acts terrorists carry out.

And as far as religion goes, I'm partly atheist and partly agnostic. So whatever I say will be rubbished off by my believer friends. Doesn't matter. I have nothing against them. And yes, I do respect their opinions.
It just saddens me when barbaric and vicious acts are carried out by people under the garb of religion. Religious intolerance has often led to massive riots and violent activities.

Religious bigotry is a very dangerous thing. Is religion the root of all evil? Maybe, yes.
Does praying for the innocents who lost their lives, solve the problem? Nope. I don't think so.
We pray and forget, that's it.
It's 21st century. And keeping an orthodox mindset won't help you develop at all.

It's all about the mentality, the ideology and the way we think. Move over nuclear weapons, an infiltrated human mind is the deadliest weapon. Ever. Who knows, you might be the next jihadi.

No one said it better than this author. (Pic Source: golddogconsulting.com)

What's up folks? I know I'm a bit late this time as I just finished writing 989787658476 pages of mindless batcrap in the name of assignments and journals. I never quite understood
the logic behind writing the same stuff that's already available in
printed form. It's like catching a Karjat bound local train from Dadar,
when the fact is that you actually want to reach Andheri.
Never mind, I
can go cribbing about all that's
fucked up about this education system for decades!

Also, I had the privilege of attending the most disruptive blogging conference ever! BNLF (Blog Now, Live Forever)
Yes. I know. Saw Bruce Dickinson. Live. On stage. Standing at an arm's distance! Damn!
If I were a girl, I would have totally made out with him, right there! Absolute legend!

Best. Event. Ever!

Okay. Moving on, remember in school how we used to think our future would be? Yes. The good old delusional days! How we believed in all the bullshit that was taught to us about life or maybe not. We never gave a flying fuck about anything, living happily in our small dreamland! But then growing up happened. Out of nowhere, the dreamland somehow turned into a Dharavi slum. We have no idea how that happened. And then, we gradually came to a point where we just started describing our lives in mere two words; 'Fucked up'

But really, how fucked up are we? Okay. I accept that your life isn't like those Sooraj Barjatya's movies. But it also isn't a Nazi holocaust chamber. So, be grateful for that!
The truth is that we're a generation of self-centered selfish douchebags who keep comparing ourselves with others' lives. And that's the sole reason for all the sadness that's been blooming over our existence. In Theodore Roosevelt's words, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

He's got a Mercedes, I want it too. He's got a blonde girlfriend, I want one too. If he's hula hooping with a spastic penguin in Las Vegas, I want to do that too! If he can do it, why can't I?
All our life, we're constantly trying to satisfy our immortal greed and obsession for materialistic possessions. We chase monetary desires like an autistic starving hound! Also, we keep craving for stuff that instills a sense of pseudo gratification in us. Basically, consumerism has got us all by our balls! All thanks to those deep shit motivational quotes, movies, books, songs, media, advertisements and hogwash. Oh, the futile hokum!

We keep slogging our asses off, trying to achieve perfection in our lives. Trying to control each and every aspect of it, just as we want to. And then, we surprisingly end up leading monotonous lives. Unsatisfied and unhappy. Always wondering what went wrong.

Funny thing is, we keep whining about how our lives suck, from the comfort of our couch, sitting in an air-conditioned room with that iPhone in our hands. We have a wardrobe full of Gucci, Dolce & Gabanna and those firangi brands whose pronunciation is as absurd as their pricing. We have the privilege of eating good food everyday, effortlessly and even enjoy an occasional binge on that Starbucks coffee or maybe Burger King. But still, WE'RE FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY WITH OUR LIVES!
Always grumbling and outraging about how everything's screwed up and how eternal sadness has gripped our lives.
Totally ridiculous, isn't it?
Irony just made out with Kamaal R. Khan and cried itself to death.
What the fuck are we frustrated and angry about?

Yes. All we need is happiness!

To be frank, your life isn't screwed up my friend. The fact is, you're just discontent with whatever you've got. Dissatisfaction is like a black hole for happiness. For fuck's sake, don't let it suck you within.
Just for a moment, think about the folks who're struggling to even get themselves a decent meal, twice a day.
Those poor malnourished kids who beg on railway platforms. That old farmer who weeps every time he looks up at the sky, hoping the clouds will be generous someday. That labour worker who toils everyday so that he can feed his family. That unfortunate leper who has been abandoned by this society.
They are the ones who're truly fucked up.

The question is, do you sleep peacefully every night? Or you stay wide awake, with all that pain, sadness and discontent within you? (Snapchat: ingeniousretard)

So what, if you failed at something? So what, if she broke your heart? So what, if you couldn't satisfy their expectations? So what, if your life isn't like you thought it would be? So what, if you have herpes? Err.. wait, that escalated quickly.
Well, what I'm trying to say is, let it roll man! Just grab a drink with your buddies and enjoy all the blissful time you've in your hand! Learn to laugh at all your miseries. The world's already a pretty sad & pathetic place and laughter is the ONLY remedy for survival.

Stop worrying too much about what your future has in store for you. Do what you truly love doing, what you're truly passionate about, without giving a damn about anyone or anything. Never worry about 'Chaar log kya sochengey' (unless it's an orgy!)Stop seeking validation. Insaan ho yaar, stamp paper nahin.

No matter what, enjoy every day to the fullest. So that you don't have any regrets when you're lying on your death bed, biding your time to sleep peacefully until eternity!

No. We aren't fucked up. Not yet. We're just pampered little shits who haven't actually seen what real hardships are like. It's our avaricious and miserable mindset that's fucked itself up, over the years.
In the end, all in all we're all just bricks in the wall!

As the great Jim Morrison once said, "The future is uncertain and the end is always near!"
So, I'd like to end this one here.

Live now. For, now is the time. The time of your life. (Pic Source: izquotes.com)

Okay, as usual, moving on to this month's catalog! (This is actually October's catalog. I was planning to publish this on 31st October but I was too busy jerking off to the fact that I'll be watching Bruce Dickinson live on stage!)

What's up folks! Celebrated my 20th birthday a few weeks back. I'd first like to thank you all for those wishes that poured in! The last time so many people had wished for my happiness was when I had floated rumours about settling in Himalayas forever, renouncing myself from this world! Everyone was so happy that they'll be finally getting rid of my nonsense. But only until they realized that I was kidding and it hurt them real bad.

Yes.

Anyway, Happy Ganesh Chaturthi! Best thing about Ganeshotsav are Momos..err Modaks! Well, never mind.
Okay, skipping the part where I whine about how fucked up my life is, I'll move on saving your much precious time.

Remember the time when being nice was seen as great quality? Maybe somewhere around the Stone Age era. When good peeps were roaming around naked on this planet without being judged, rubbing flint stones, producing fire and shit! Everyone was thriving happily. But these days, good folks are almost extinct, going the dodo way.
What could be the reason possibly?
Let me give you an example.

There are two guys, Ramesh and Suresh. Ramesh is the typical good guy. He's caring, polite, generous, kind and selfless and many more adjectives! He respects almost everyone who's worthy of it. But his only weakness is that he's seen as an uninteresting person. Alone and lonely at times maybe because of his social introversion. Also, often taken for granted due to his considerate nature.

And now, there's this other guy Suresh, contrary to Ramesh. He's the so called cool guy. Strong, confident, rich, devious, cunning and dashing! He's always ready to take the world! But his only weakness or maybe strength is that's he is an asshole of the highest magnitude. He's often seen snatching away stuff that other people deserve, that too in a spectacular fashion!

Now the plot twist is that they both like the same girl. Call it coincidence or mere fate.
Now, let me ask you a simple question. Who do you think the girl chooses? Ramesh or Suresh?
Okay. If you are actually thinking over this one, you either suffer from Down's Syndrome or you need that box of BournVita Lil' Champs.

It's Suresh.
The chances of Ramesh here are just like the chances of Rahul Gandhi becoming the next PM or me getting laid. Yes. Not happening bro.

Come on, you know that. It's 21st century, this world belongs to jerks and fools alike!
So, in order to be successful in life you should probably know how to be a jerk. Or maybe know how to act as one.
Don't worry, I've prepared a definitive guide for you folks. Follow it and you'd hear people calling you "Ek no. ka *insert any abuse here* hai wo banda!", behind your back.

1]. Be selectively nice.

I know. This sounds like irony just slept with Kim Kardashian and wept itself to death but believe me this is the first and foremost requirement. I'm stressing on the word 'selectively' here. You can't just go around being nice to everyone! You should know ki kisko maska lagana hai aur kisko nahi.
As Christopher Columbus once said or maybe he didn't, "Every great asshole was once a great ass licker!"
So, take the cue from this explorer who's also known for his mass genocides and 'great syphilitic expansion!' in Europe.

2]. Be an arrogant & a selfish cunt.

You need to have that insatiable greed in you. The greed African kids have, when they see food. Try to find what's in store for you, in almost everything you do. Take due credit for others' efforts. As far as arrogance goes, everyone's opinions and views can suck bullocks. Practice screaming "I'M ALWAYS RIGHT!" in a mirror. You need to be self obsessed at extreme levels. Try making out with yourself, maybe.

3]. Be a dishonest borderline hypocrite.

Well, I need not say this. Every jerk is by default a hypocrite of highest order! And yes, never forget to carry that knife in your pocket of Trust. Makes backstabbing easier. You should know how to pretend as a fool, as you go on fooling others. Don't call a spade a spade. Call it a penguin, a balloon or even a sledgehammer, but not a spade.

4]. Be manipulative & shrewd.

If you're still reading this & ardently following the above things I mentioned, you probably won't survive a single day and might end up as a Dadar station ka dyslexic bhikaari.
So, now you need to build your team or an army of like minded fools..err folks like you. You should be able to identify which people are useful to you and then somehow manipulate them into sucking your dick. Although, you might need to contort your usual behavior for this purpose. Sugar coating your selfish motives with kindness and pseudo generosity always works like charm in these situations.

5]. Never be yourself.

Lastly, fuck those deep shit quotes which preach "Be yourself!"
NEVER BE YOURSELF.
The process of turning into a jerk from a nice guy is a long and tedious one. So, you may sometimes feel like giving up and going back. But don't do that. Hang on in there, keep layering yourself with that plaster of fake personality and others with your sweet blarney! Learn the art of masquerading yourself just as the world wants to see.

The above guide is critically acclaimed by some of the greatest successful jerks in our history.
Right from Adolf Hitler to Thomas Edison!
Hope it helps you to be that despicable person you've always longed to be.

And for losers who're repulsive of jerks, it's advisable for you to be prepared for the unending war that lies ahead!
I've tried many times to be that obnoxious douche-bag and failed miserably every time. Maybe because I'm way too sardonic towards them.
But the truth is, I HATE ASSHOLES.
The world may think of nice guys as losers and failures but these folks have strayed themselves away to live in their very own parallel universe. Where they think of themselves as the real winners!

Exactly.

I'd like to conclude it here by quoting the legendary John Lennon!

"There's room at the top, they're telling you still. But first you must learn how to smile as you kill."

Okay. I've to go now and shop for a new pair of roller skates for my amputated friend, to gift him on his birthday.
So moving on to this month's catalog.

Before signing off, as usual I'd like to thank Siddhi Pawar and Rohith Jayrajan for proofreading this one!
Every month I keep sending them garbage under the pretext of blog articles and every month these folks refurbish that tommyrot in a beautiful way! I definitely owe them a lot! _/\_

And yes, please feel free to express your opinions, suggestions, criticisms or abuses in the comments section! Also, do share it with your friends if you enjoyed reading it. If not, I'm sorry to disappoint you once again! :)

Till then, Adios! :)

[ P.S: All the views expressed here are personal. The author is retarded and suffers from moderate level cerebral palsy. He doesn't claim responsibility for any mental or physical
trauma caused by following the guidelines mentioned in the article. Follow it at
your own risk. Thank you for reading.]

"Infosys bekaar hai bey. Google aur JP Morgan mein hi job ke liye try karunga!"
And so I began my Independence Day celebrations by blocking these
self proclaimed intellectuals and pseudo jingoists. Okay. Maybe I'm
feeling a bit inspirational today. That'd be because I watched Border
for like 23845657th time on Zee Cinema yesterday. Or because I just heard the
legendary speech, "Tryst With Destiny" on History channel.

Whatever may
be the reason, this article is not like my usual satires. You may find it a bit boring and way too long. Basically, this article is just my brain spitting out a
philosophical and motivational twaddle on this platform, just like the concoction of an average
paan eater's sputum. So, feel free to flush it down the commode!

Surrealism to me is reality. (Pic Credits: Emilyquotes.com)

As usual, I was surfing Instagram
and I suddenly came across this video clip of a small kid dressed up
for what seemed like a fancy dress contest. He was wearing a cool jacket
with a miniature toy piano in his hand. Portraying a musician, I guess.
And then the clip started to play.

"Hello everyone. My
name is Sunil. I'm 7 years old. When I grow up, I want to be a
musician. I love singing and playing my piano! Thank You!" saying so in
that childish voice, he ended his speech. Turns out the clip was shared
by one of my schoolmate, who was a few years senior to me. The caption
read, "My childhood dream."

I just happened to
socialize a bit with this guy. Believe me, my socializing skills are
similar to that of Manmohan Singh trying to rap in a rave party.
So,
the guy said he was pursuing MBBS and will be doctor soon. I then
mentioned him about the video clip I had seen on Instagram, asking him "Bhai, tera singing skills epic tha! Piano bhi baap baja leta tha! Achanak ye medical field mein interest kahaan se aa gaya?"

To that he gave a classic reply. A reply which we Indians have mastered since the pre Neanderthal Era. "Yaar, family ne naa bol diya. :("

"I
love singing, you know that. But I can't find time for it. Hectic
schedule and these huge books on the biological structure of human
bodies. I do sing, but it's only limited to me performing in my
shower!", saying so he chuckled.

This incident stirred
up my nostalgia and I was taken back to the time when I had participated
in a similar Fancy Dress contest. I remember, I was dressed up as a
soldier. That was because when Dad asked me what do you want to be when
you grow up, my usual reply was "A Hero"

"Why? Why do you want to be a hero?" asked Dad.
"Because they're strong and they fight bad people. I've seen on TV", I naively replied.
"But those guys aren't real heroes. They're just actors. They don't fight in reality, it's all a part of drama!"
I
felt Dad was lying to me. Yes. I was pretty stupid back then. So, I
asked Dad, "Then who're the real heroes? Who fight all the bad people?"
My Dad replied, "Soldiers. They are the real heroes. They protect our country and fight for it day and night!"
I
didn't get much of what Dad said as I was still in pre-school and was
mentally paraplegic, unlike most of the kids of my age. But that moment I
had decided I'll dress up as a soldier in that fancy dress contest
because I was told that they are the real heroes. And also because
Teletubbies costume wasn't available. Indeed soldiers are true heroes,
no
doubt about that. But at that time I had no idea what soldiers actually
did. I used to think that soldiers are people who carry cool weapons,
guns and shit, roaming about in their abstract patterned costumes,
killing all the bad guys.

Yes. Even as a kid, I wasn't photogenic. Facial expressions look like I'm holding a shit.

What I'm trying to say is,
when we were kids we had true freedom. The freedom to think as we wish.
The freedom to do what we want. The freedom to be whoever the fuck we
want to be, without being ridiculed. Be it Iron Man or The Undertaker.
True freedom in the sense. We never feared about people judging us or
our stupidity. We just kept doing what we thought was right. Caring
about the consequences? Well, forget caring we didn't give a fuck about
consequences. We kept on making mistakes and kept learning from them. Oh
I miss those blissful days!

But the best thing about
childhood was that we never feared to dream. However idiotic the dream
maybe. For us nothing was imbecile. We had the courage and the freedom
to follow our dreams. Back then even flying on a broomstick felt like a
dream, an ambition that needs to be accomplished. All thanks to Harry
Potter. Our mind was an utopian paradise filled with all kinds of
sublime things!

But now if you look around everything's totally different. Reality, as we call it.
We've
stopped dreaming these days. Maybe because we forgot how to dream. Or
maybe because we lack imagination required for it. We don't have the
balls to follow our heart, afraid of failing miserably. People
abandon their aspirations thinking they're way too unrealistic or
delusory. I agree, there's nothing wrong in thinking practically and
rationally. But that's the only way people think these days. Acquiring
wealth is now synonymous to acquiring happiness. Cause even 'Happy
Hours' come along with a price tag. We study not to learn something, but
only to ensure job security. Being an asshole is the new cool. Honesty
is the best policy? Not anymore, they have their own *terms &
conditions applied. Getting laid has more importance than finding love.

Now
for those who're good at adapting, they have already refashioned
themselves according to this ambiguous world. They've learnt to suck up
to realism and practicality. But what about the creed of folks who
don't have a fashion sense to adapt to the changing trends of this society. The folks who still haven't murdered their inner
child. Those who still believe in the power of freedom and honesty. Guys who still want to pursue their passion.
The guys who still dream to be 'A Hero' when they grow up? What happens
to them?

Well, I don't have the answer to this question. Maybe because I still belong to that creed.
But
as Darwin's theory suggests 'Living beings who fail to adapt according
to their surroundings, eventually end up being extinct."
Anyway, I can't see a bright future for these folks unless they adjust themselves according to the so called 'Real World'.

No one said it better than this humorist. But sadly, the era of dreams seems to be over now. (Pic Credits: izquotes.com)

Okay.
Maybe I should stop this motivational batcrap as someone here just
called the mental asylum. Yeah. This is what happens when you sit naked
under a tree with your laptop for hours, hoping to miraculously attain
enlightenment.

Well, I'd like to wish you guys a very
happy Independence Day! I know, I'm late in posting this article. Since 1947, we've come a long way indeed!
(Except the fact that people still enter local trains like a brainless
herd of cattle. Never mind.) We've developed by leaps and bounds, and I
hope that we'll soon achieve our dream of being a global superpower
someday, just like we achieved the dream of being a free nation. Massive respect for that generation of brave hearts who fought for our freedom. I just hope we don't end up being a generation of cowards who can't even pursue their dreams and ambitions. And yes, never stop dreaming and believing in yourself. Jai Hind!

Moving on, I had written this one a few months back. Dedicated to all the legends and martyrs who lived for this country, till their last breath.

Picture on left: How some people see Pluto. Picture on right: How I see 'Pluto' (Pic Credits : Google Images)

So much has been going on in the world of space exploration recently. Reportedly Stephen Hawking is about to work on a $100mn project with this Russian billionaire Yuri Milner, to search for extraterrestrial life. Well, considering the guy's godmode intellectual capability, I doubt he might be an alien himself!

Anyway, I just happened to catch up with some of my old buddies. Who're
basically 5-6 years younger to me. Yes. The only reason I still hang out
with kids is because my mental growth was thwarted abruptly after
puberty. Just like Rahul Gandhi.

We had a great chat and after discussing about football, science and philosophy we ultimately came to the topic guys end up discussing a lot. Women.
So, it turns out even this 14yo chap is in a relationship since a year or so!
I always love learning new stuff and I was definitely curious how this guy landed up a girlfriend for himself at such a young age. This guy ended up schooling me about relationships.

(The below conversation can be considered as an '101 on How To Get Into A Relationship')

And, here's how the convo went:

Me: So, nigga! In a relationship since a year! Congratulations man! How did this happen?

Gobu: (Name changed on purpose to protect the identity. Acronym for Gobar. That's a different story, pretty racist one.) Yaar, stop calling me Nigga. And yes! I've a girlfriend. I used to like her and humlog chat karte the everyday. And gradually it happened!

Me: Specifics please. What did you like about her? Tell me you both loved the same cartoons, isn't it?

Gobu: No bro, not like that. We used to chat on Facebook, Whatsapp etc. on random topics. Then slowly we started knowing each other well. Jokes and all share karna. Also, the thing is that we're classmates. So, we used to share our random stories and aise chalte gaya fir. We became best buddies in no time!

Me: Wow, sounds cool! You folks are really gutsy man. I didn't know how to interact with a girl till I was 16. Anyway, what happened next?

Gobu: Hum log same coaching class jaate hai. We started hanging out more often. All this time, I got to know a lot about her. Her likes, dislikes and stuff.

Me: Okay. So when did you express your feelings? And how?

Gobu: Well, we were just dining at this Subway outlet, discussing random stuff. I wasn't listening to what she was saying as I was completely determined that I'd tell her today about how I feel. Woh apne bhai ke baare mein bol rahi thi shayad. I told her that you're sweet and all. You know right? The stuff girls love hearing. And then "I like you."
There was some momentary silence and she was blushing with shyness. She told me that she'll think about it. After like 5 or 6 days, she said yes!

Me: Damn! Where's your bravery award? *takes a bow*
Not to freak you out but you mentioned she was saying something about her brother? Did she say that he is a WWE wrestler or something. Because if that's the case, you're fucked!
Also, it took her 5 days to answer! Looks like she did some in-depth research, must say. So, what was common between you folks? You said cartoons wasn't the thing, so what was it?

Gobu: Well, many common things! We both wear spectacles. We both like blue colour. And also some uncommon things. Like I'm a fatto, but she's thin.

Me: Also, you're dark and she's fair. Wait, dark isn't the word. I can't see you right now. Only your teeth.
Anyway, pretty unusual bond between you guys it seems! My favourite colour is black. I didn't yet find a girl who likes black colour. Maybe that's why I've been single. Just saying though.
Not being a pessimistic but what would you do if this wouldn't work out well? Like if something went wrong in this relationship?

Gobu: Stop mocking bro. I'm very serious about this relationship. I know some of my friends who have been through breakups. Believe me, it hurts a lot.

Me: What did your friends do after such a "brutal" break up? Did they ever recover or are they dead now?

Gobu: Umm, some of them took months to recover. Some of them never recovered. Haath pe blade maarna and all bhi hota hai kuch cases mein. Sad stuff man. After few months of sadness and constantly being in drunk state, ultimately they recover.

Me: Hmm. Sounds pretty sad. And stupid too.

After talking random nonsense for like an hour, we took off.

All this time I kept wondering about how different today's teenagers are. What went wrong with them? Love! Relationships! Heartbreak!
Who hurt you guys? Seriously. Who hurt you? (I keep repeating sentences. I know. I suffer from Alzheimer's)

Where are the folks that used to only care about Goku's death and Androids invading earth?
Or losing a Beyblade battle?

When I was 14, I was still trying to woo this chick called Denise in GTA San Andreas. Well, she was my first virtual girlfriend. Even I had heartbreaks, But I wasn't drunk as skunk, maudlin on my existence altogether. Also, I didn't go around slicing my wrists with blades. Although, I feel doing that when I tweet emo shit on Twitter.

I vaguely remember that day, when I had my first heartbreak. I was in 4th grade. I liked this girl because she had a tazzo of Pikachu but she refused to trade it for my Psyduck.
Bimbo. She didn't even know that when Psyduck evolves into Golduck, it can beat Pikachu's arse in terms of swagger quotient!
Never mind. :(

First kiss at the age of 11. Great going.

I've been single all my life. Reason? Well, better not go down that road.

The thing is, cupid never struck me. And when it did, I just took a bigger crossbow and shot him dead.
Okay. I should now stop this here. As Aristotle once said it,

"Never write your articles so long & boring that people will go on reading it for centuries, ultimately dying a painful death due to the endless ennui arising out of it!"

I hope you enjoyed reading this one. Please share it with your friends if you liked it. If not, suggestions and criticisms are always welcome! Feel free to abuse me in the comments section below, send death threats or whatever.
I thank you folks from the bottom of my heart, for the amazing response you gave to my previous article: The Social Acceptance Quandary!
I'd like to thank Rohith Jayarajan for proofreading this one!
Also, this month's catalog!

Customary quote by some random great person to begin the article. As usual, it's Kurt Cobain. (PIC CREDITS: http://www.quotescover.com/wp-content/uploads/Wanting-to-be-someone-else__quotes-by-Kurt-Cobain-54.png)

What's up folks? I hope you're enjoying your vacations! Yeah, me too. Most of my friends are currently partying in Goa! Although my idea of a perfect vacation is limited to staying at home and lying on my couch
24*7, thinking about life, universe, profound philosophy, tweeting lame jokes and wondering whether or not
I'll get laid in future.

So, now they've banned Maggi. *cries* :'(

Yes. Keep these MSG threats to yourself.
The last time I was really scared of MSG was when Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh was acting in it.

Okay. Jokes apart, lead is a slow poison and is definitely harmful if consumed in excess. The worst mistake Maggi committed was not printing a statutory warning, "Excessive consumption of Maggi can be injurious to health".
In short, they fooled us. *heartbreak* :"(

Meanwhile, I just happened to visit this brilliant wedding the previous week! It was one helluva celebration!
Typical big fat Indian weddings you know. Apart from pretty girls, the food there was great! I ended up over eating, which I realized the next day while taking a dump.

And now about the music! Well, they had some great DJ in the house called 'Sonu'.
*'DJ SONU' the robotic voice is still ringing in my ears, giving me goosebumps!*

Huge Honey Singh fan it seems, was making people go crazy with his 'Lungi Dance' remixes.
Some of my cousins tried to pull me into that dancing pit, but I politely refused them by saying I can't dance & I'm not actually a fan of Honey Singh's songs.
After that statement, they looked at me as if I was the one who was sleeping with their girlfriends.
"Dude, uske gaane baap hote hai! Tere wo ghatiya se angreji gaano se toh kai guna behtar!"

I agreed to what they said, but deep down I knew I wanted to kill them and yes, HONEY SINGH'S MUSIC IS SHIT.

You might be wondering why was I whining here about random stuff and what was that all about? Well, the thing here is 'social acceptance'

Here's another incident, it was one of my friend's birthday and we happened to go to this posh and expensive restaurant! The friend was a regular here so we decided to go on with what he ordered.
It was some weird Mexican dish, I don't exactly remember its fancy name but they
had coated flavoured chilli on various fruits. Yeah, fruits. I mean who
the heck eats fruits with chilli! I tasted it and whoa! My taste buds went for a ride! This other guy sitting beside me had the same reaction. We decided to swallow that stuff, nearly puking, as we had paid shitload of stacks for that dish.

Anyway, after coming out of the restaurant everyone was like "Wow man! That was so delicious! Classic Mexican!"
And so I just joined in and started praising so that I won't feel like an outcast. There. I just became a conformist!
We all are conformists. Yes. We have been doing this all our life!

But is it really necessary?
Like, what if I'd have told my friends that the Mexican shit sucked bollocks and we've just burnt a huge hole in our pockets?
Maybe they'd have judged the fuck out of me. Or the worst case scenario, they'd have stopped inviting me for future birthday hangouts, which is a serious issue if you're a foodie!

Pretending to like a song, a television show, or a movie just because
everyone around you loves it.
Professing to love a sport even when you don't watch it or know nothing about it, so that you can brag about it on social media.
Doing something just because everyone you
know is doing it or because it is considered cool. Smoking for instance.
Oh, the shit we do to get socially accepted!
By the way, Dubsmash is the new found 'swag' these days! I hate it though.
And the widespread of this Dubsmash stupidity is much more threatening than ISIS. It truly is.

I'm not saying that everyone is conformist, I'm just saying how most of us display this behavior time and time again!
The things we do to make our way in a desired social circle can sometimes reach extreme levels.
Basically, we Indians are a conservative breed of people. Always sticking to our conventional beliefs and values.
So, if anything seems unusual or weird to us, we alienate ourselves from that concept or that person altogether.

Also, this manipulative media plays a huge role in this. As the great Jim Morrison once said, "Whoever controls the media, controls the mind"

Don't believe me? Just look at how we went full retard during the Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight. (I can't even pronounce Pacquiao)
Yes. So much hype. We all became boxing fans within a day! Everyone out there on social media was going batshit crazy to prove their boxing expertise and how this is "One hell of an epic match! #FightOfTheCentury"

Well, after watching all our idiocy on social media, I won't be surprised if the World Boxing Association decides not to organize such an event for next few centuries or so!

Frankly, I didn't even know about it until I saw it trending on Twitter.

Pimping my old tweets just to get followers on Twitter, is one of my favourite pastime! (Please follow @IngeniousRetard on Twitter *Begs*)

I'm not totally against conformism, I'm just trying to say that some of
us are so phony that we completely forget who we actually are, in order
to be accepted by this society and the people around us!
Our individuality? Well, that notion has vanished long time back!
We just love faking it these days.

It has become an essential part of our lives. There's this norm that if you don't act or behave in a particular manner, you'll be adjudged an anti-social or a rebel.
And one of the worst things about being anti-social is YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
Sadly, we all are puppets of this society and how it functions. Always seeking validation from people who don't even give a fuck about us!

Maybe I've cribbed a lot and now even my keyboard is screaming "Paka mat na chutiye, khatam kar jaldi!"
So, conclude it here by quoting the the great John Lennon!

"I'm not going to change the way I look or
the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've
been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm
one of those people."

~ John Lennon.

This insane genius explains it in a better way!Sadly, he was so anti-social that he had fallen in love with a pigeon. Yep. A fucking pigeon! (Pic Credits: https://www.pinterest.com/prafesir/non-conformity/)

I hope you enjoyed this article! Please share it with your friends if you think it's worth sharing, if not feel free to abuse me in the comments section! And, I'd like to thank you guys from the bottom of my heart, for the overwhelming response you gave to my previous article! Absurd Indian Advertisements!

You guys are the best! I don't know how to thank you folks! *Takes a bow* _/\_

As, I update my blog on a monthly basis, I've decided to share some random stuff.
So the thing is, I'll just mention a book, a song, and a movie that I enjoyed. And yes, I'll keep doing this every month.

Also, I've also been writing a lot of poems lately. You can check them out here: Deluded Soul.
Yes, I know I'm lonely, insomniac, pathetic and unfunny.
I'd like to thank Siddhi for proof-reading this article, as usual!

GET OVER IIT'S, YOU FAGGOTS! IIN IS HERE! (Pic Credits: Google Images)

What's up folks? Well, I'd been a bit busy these days, slogging my ass writing assignments and doing submissions for the so called 'internal marks'.
Submissions are the most pathetic stage in an engineer's life. We've to literally 'submit' ourselves to the profs and faculty, so that they can screw us as they wish. And in return award us with good grades. (only if you're in their good books and have the ability to lick it well & clean!)
I never gave a fuck about grades, so it doesn't really matter much to me.

The other day I was surfing channels on my idiot box and just then these advertisements started to introspect my whole thinking process altogether. So, I decided why not write something on it.

I never quite understood the logic behind some of the advertisements they display on the tube these days. For instance, the 'AXE Deodorant' advert. Like this thing they show, how girls go drooling over you once you put on that deodorant.
Believe me, I've tried almost all of that shit, even bathed in that deodorant but no success. While I expected some random girl to go "Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow', as usual, girls around me didn't even acknowledge my existence.
Yeah, some street dogs came sniffing and started barking at me. *cries* :'(

This isn't the only ludicrous advert. There are many more. In fact the Indian ad industry is filled with such absurd as fuck advertisements.
There's this classic one, where they show a woman who wants to achieve success at something. And guess what does she do, to feel motivated and be successful!
Hard work?
No dude. That's too mainstream. She just prefers a certain brand of sanitary pads. Yes. I'm not kidding. Here you can check it out yourself,

A similar kind of ideology is applied to that 'Rajnigandha Pan Masala' advert. Their tagline itself says it all,
"Mooh mein Rajnigandha, kadmon mein duniya!"

So basically when you start failing at everything in life, just consume this pan masala and watch the world fall flat at your feet!

They just reached a whole new level of stupidity. Relating success to sanitary pads and pan masala. Damn. Seriously! Even Einstein's Theory of Relativity sucks donkey balls when compared with this relation.
Einstein : 0 | Indian Adverts : 1.
Well played guys. Well played. *Slow Claps*

Carrying a truck along with a helicopter, just for the sake of a cold drink. That isn't 'Toofaani'. That is chutiyapa. Complete chutiyapa. (Pic Credits: Google images)

You might have seen this 'Bhai' ad, where Bhai carries a truck along with a helicopter and calls it 'Toofaani'. Never mind, Bhai has his own style.Ek baar apna dhakkan hata kar dekho. Bhai ne bola na toofaani hai, toh toofaani hai. Baat Khatam. #BhaiRoxx

And then, who can forget those fairness cream adverts! They just proclaim one thing, 'If you aren't fair skinned, you'll never succeed in life and will always be a loser'

It's ridiculous how they show a woman who is a bit darker in shade, getting neglected by the society and guys around her. But then comes her savior, a fairness cream! Within a week she undergoes a miraculous transformation! From dark chocolate to vanilla! (I'm sorry.)

And suddenly all the guys who neglected her in first place, swarm around her, trying to woo her & get her attention! So much win!

Even those pseudo feminists don't seem to have any problem about these adverts. And then they crib about objectifying women.

Again, there's the recent Lava mobile commercial where its protagonist 'Mr. Bhaskar' is a famous multi-tasker. Girls love him because he's got a cool smartphone with 2 gigabytes of RAM! So much swagger!
Even I have a smartphone with 2GB RAM, you idiots. But I don't remember any girl saying, "OMG! You have a cool smartphone! Let's date!"

Similar kind of philosophy is used in that 'Fairness Cream For Men' advert. 'Face ka charger' and what not poppycock. Never mind, they all are risible as fuck.

Detergent soaps showing how to achieve unbelievable whitening effect. Screw fairness creams, we should rather rub those detergents on our face & body so that we can eventually turn into an albino.

These insanely idiotic adverts nearly question your common sense and
logic to such an extent, that even your brain wonders, "What the fuck is
this shit?"
I really wonder who the heck writes the script for these advertisements.
Massive respect for those guys and their awesome creativity in creating those ads!

I could go on an on with this unending list of irrational and totally illogical advertisements.
But, I'm short on time as I've finish my research on Ugandan Gigolos and submit my thesis on it.

So I'll end it here, I hope you enjoyed reading it. If not you can freely abuse me in the comments section below.
I'd like to thank Siddhi Pawar and Rohith Jayarajan for proofreading this article. (My shitty grammar has now improved a lot! All credits to you guys! :D)
I'd also like to thank this crazy retard and best bud, Soham! He's the one who encouraged me to write on this topic! Thaankoo Bhai!

I haven't slept since a past few weeks, so bear with me if you find this article utter rubbish and nonsensical to the core.
Please don't stop visiting my blog *catches your feet and begs*
I promise to keep improving my quality of articles!
Thank You, you'll are the best! :)

{P.S : Check out the new column titled 'Poetic World'
That's my second blog! *When you have nothing else to do in life, start a blog*
Just an outlet for my different genre of thoughts! Where I scribble some random words in a rhythmic pattern and shamelessly call it poetry. :)}

IndiBlogger Awards 2017

About

Hiding my insecurities behind my morbid cynicism & humour. Neither a writer, nor a poet. Not yet. I'm worst at what I do best & for this gift, I feel blessed. Please read my old articles and hate me for growing up and being a hypocrite. And yes, I love you all!