Tuesday, August 3, 2010

It was 1979-- A peanut farmer was President, Rod Stewart was belting out "Do You Think I'm Sexy", "Three's Company" was on everyone's televisions, and all I wanted for my 21st birthday was a microwave oven.

Back then, I rarely cooked and the idea of "nuking" dinner was very appealing. All my friends had one and I wanted one too-- Everybody knew it, including my then live-in boyfriend. It's all I'd talked about for months.

The morning before my 21st birthday, I hinted heavily, one last time, and even went so far as to accidentally on purpose drop an advertisement of the model I was hoping for in his briefcase. I felt confident, the next day, frozen heat-up dinners would be gracing my dining table. I was so excited!

Boyfriend got me a set of golf clubs.

@#$%&!

Did I mention I hate golf? Well let me assure you, Boyfriend knew-- Without a shadow of a doubt, that golf was at the absolute bottom of my "to-do" list.

Boyfriend had been around for a couple of years at that point and we'd spent a few (six or seven hundred) afternoons together, while he played and I fanned myself through 18 miserable holes of golf, in the gawd awful Ohio heat and humidity, only to be treated to a beer and a hot dog after the torture. Did I mention I do not drink beer?

Boyfriend was addicted to the game. Me, not even a little. I played a few times but knew instantly it was not for me. But I didn't complain if he played. In fact, I was more than happy to leave him to his game all day long, as often as he wanted to play-- Which should tell you a bit about the quality of our relationship.

Let's just say, the more Boyfriend played golf without me, the happier I was...

But he was having none of that. He wanted me with him for days filled with his cursing, throwing clubs, kicking balls, and nasty sportsmanship that pretty much made 5 hours of golf-togetherness a real picnic.

Boyfriend, despite hours and hours of practice, was a terrible and very frustrated golfer.

The morning of my birthday, and with great fanfare, Boyfriend presented me with a full set of baby blue golf clubs-- Yes, baby friggin blue ones that were actually a couple of inches too long for my short height. I'm pretty sure they fell off a truck somewhere in New Jersey and no receipt was presented to exchange them for the correct size... or a microwave oven.

The baby blue clubs looked like kiddie toys, except I wanted used them as a lethal weapon on Boyfriend who kept telling me how much fun I'd have playing with him. Oh, and the matching baby blue golf shoes that came with the set-- Two sizes to big and also not returnable.

I was not a happy camper sitting there with my new golf clubs-- Stunned, very angry, and with so much steam coming out of my ears, I'm sure my Farrah Fawcett hair do was withering to straight strands of an over sprayed mess.

Golf clubs? Surely this was a joke. So I excused myself and headed towards the kitchen thinking, hoping, praying-- a bright shiny new microwave would be waiting for me with a big beautiful bow on it.

Nothing.

But the birthday gifts continued.

Golf lessons! Boyfriend signed me up for 24, one hour golf lessons and the first one was that very afternoon... Because apparently that's what every 21 year old woman wants to do on her birthday.

Back then, I had a hard time speaking up and expressing myself, so instead of beating him to death with the golf clubs, I smiled, bit my tongue, and agreed to try a few classes.

Over the next month, I literally hit 5,000 golf balls, each time cursing Boyfriend and plotting my escape from our living arrangement. And for the record, I really did try to learn how to swing those ridiculous looking clubs.

I took a few more classes then I'd intended because the golf pro was very sweet and because, after class, I could fain exhaustion and not have to play a round of golf with Boyfriend.

After about a month of frustrating classes, the golf pro sat me down and delivered the bad news. Very gently he explained, trying not to hurt my feelings, that "golf was not my game." Hallelujah! I nearly kissed him on the lips and knew I would never take another blue golf club out of that @#$%^&! baby blue golf bag again.

Golf Pro, bless his heart, also advised Boyfriend that golf was simply not my sport.

Shortly thereafter, a brand new microwave oven was my first purchase for my new apartment-- Which was far, far away from the baby blue golf clubs and Ex-boyfriend.

Seriously. Baby blue golf clubs?

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64 comments:

Men! Go figure.Re Microwave ovens: There was a study conducted where two plants were watered identically, with the only difference being that one received tap water and the other received microwaved water (room temperature, of course). The latter one died. I was big on microwaves; I had a mini one and a convection one. After reading about the plants both microwaves went into the trash. I haven't used one since.

ROFLMAO....ackkkk what the heck is it with men!!I hate that..get me something I want. Although personally I adore golf..just can't aford it anymore...yeah I totally understand. This last Mother's day my husband bought me..not anything I asked for..but a light box with lights for photography. Now being a photographer you are thinking..oh cool nice gift. Well sort of..because the only reason he bought it was so I could take better pictures of him mineral specimens..which frankly pissed me off. I totally understand ...what I wanted was a gift certificate to Michaels or the book store..that would work!!Hugs hon, SarahGlad ya kicked the boy to the curb!!!

Well, I'm glad you finally realized he was not the one for you. Seriously, how many boring rounds of golf did it take you?? Not my game either, but my brother has done the same thing to his wife. Fortunately, he's too busy with all his other sports to push the issue.

(BTW, if Boyfriend ever dragged you down to Pleasant Hill golf course in Geauga County, you were about 2 miles down the road from my house.)

That was hilarious!When I was had been married to my first husband for 9 or 10 years, I wanted a Monopoly game for my birthday...Not an expensive gift, pretty reasonable of me. What a got was a huge quadraphonic sound system record player. No monopoly game. When we divorced, two years later, said husband said he wanted the record player. I said, "But that was my birthday present!" You should have seen his face drop! I let him have it, as he'd bought it for himself not me in the first place. I didn't want it when he bought it, and didn't want it when we split. But it was fun to yank his chain a little!

Well told story of an eye opening birthday. Good for you to know what you wanted even back then. That guy was clueless, wasn't he? I'm diggin' the Farrah Fawcett haircut though. Lots of people in my family golf very often and are good golfers. Just never caught that bug though. I was a tennis player and I still like that and I like playing baseball. Ask hubby, you definitely want me on your baseball team, I can catch even on the spur of the moment.

Guys just do not have a clue. One year my husband bought me perfume for my holiday gift. For me, the person he was married to for at least 15 years by then, the one who did not wear make-up, did not 'do' her hair, did not even friggin' shave, and never ever wore perfume or cologne of any kind.

Too funny! I didn't marry a golfer, but we did go golfing on our quickie honeymoon. We forgot to turn off the cart and ran down the battery and ended up pushing it back from the 10th hole to the clubhouse.

You crack me up! This story is too funny! When I was a kid I had to take golf lessons. I did not like golf before the lessons and liked it even less after I completed my lessons! To this day I still do not like it. Too darn boring for me.

Um, so you know by now I think how much I love golf. It's just one of my most favorite things.

But it's my thing. My lady leaves me to it. Sometimes we talk a bit about her giving it a try, going out with me and knocking one around. But again, it's my thing, not hers. If it was our thing, it would cease to be my thing. And we all need a thing.

I think I would have clobbered him over the head with the golf clubs but you were probably far too kind to resort to physical violence. It is amazing, though, how much microwavs changed our lives, isn't it?

Golf used to be one of the many things I did for fun.... it wasn't my game either, but, hey, a beer at the club house between 9 and 10, and the fact that I can make a silly time out of anything - even golf, I had fun.

I hope you didn´t leave the clubs behind when you left him, because I´m sure that´s what he bought them for in the first place. So that HE could use them... Jerk!Some guys are just so clueless on buying gifts!

Hmmmn, what a charmer, eh? So nice of him to gift you what HE wanted you to have! But you did wise up, and move on (smile). Actually, golf was one of the reasons my mother-in-law was so disappointed I married into the family.. she and my FIL were huge golfing buddies with the parents of his ex-gf, and never quite forgave their son for moving on - ugh!!

I thought I was weird for wanting, nay, craving electronics for birthdays, anniversaries ... now I feel good .. I hope you got a lot of use out of your microwave and I hope you got to sell those clubs and use the $$ for more lovely electronic goodies

This is SOOO funny!! I can just see you out there doing your best to chase that ball around a 400 acre field of grass. I kept hinting to my first husband (our first married Christmas) that I wanted a basketball backboard and hoop. My sister in law told him that I was joking and that I really wanted some nice perfume...I got the perfume and I really DID want the b'ball stuff!

Ah! You brought back the memory of my own, painful, 21st birthday gift from my own ex-boyfriend.

I was a hairdresser. I had my own top of the line blow dryer (2 actually... one for work, one for home), top of the line curling iron, $100 haircutting shears... you get the idea.

So what did boyfriend give me? A Conair blow dryer that he paid $10 for. Five months later, he was no longer my boyfriend. and I probably threw the blow dryer in the trash.

The most stupid gift I ever received from anyone? The gals from work threw me a baby shower when I was having my last baby. I knew she was my last because I was 35 years old and I ahd a tubal scheduled for 10 minutes after her birth (seriously! he tied those babies up minutes after her birth!) One of the girls at work bought me a MATERNITY TOP! I was 2 weeks from delivery and this stupid ass bought me a maternity top!

Golf is some people's respectable suburban crack. They become consumed with it, and can't imagine that anyone else would not be similarly consumed. if they aren't, it must be because they haven't tried it. I can't tell you how many people have started boring me to death about their golf game, and when I tell them i don't care for golf, do they subside? of course not. Like religious zealots, they redouble their efforts, confident that I will thank them after I've seen the light.

Thank heavens you got rid of that one girl...I've never understood the fascination some people have with golf...but maybe it's a meditative thing to them...I just can't relate at all! You tell a story so well... My love to you...

I don't know where they come up with some of this craziness. oh the boyfriend stories we could tell,I will have to post about my $50.00 DATSUN CAR. LOL. Lord love a duck.I would take your blue golf clubs to it for sure and it would have been an improvement. hugs to you.

Okay, seriously, my Hubs is no golf fan, but the story is soooo familiar. I once received a Lynyrd Skynyrd album and concert tickets for my birthday - I HATED Lynyrd Skynyrd and I HATED concerts - but, of course, HE wasn't going alone, hense the wonderful birthday gift.

Another one - he loves homemade milkshakes, wanted one every night, but they are so much trouble to make, especially if you don't have a blender. I complained once about how I was beginning to hate making them and mentioned that if I had a blender or even one of those hand held single mixers, it wouldn't be so bad. Guess what I got for Mother's Day? Not even a blender - just one of the hand held jobs.

Thank goodness he's gotten better over the years (in some ways,) because I think if he gave me a gift like those again, he may have to go to the ER to have it removed...from wherever I chose to shove it.

Great story, and I'm so glad to hear you got the courage to dump the golfer.

Hi Joanna! I too have never taken to golf. My husband LOVES to play and spends a lot of time at it, whether here in Anchorage or in his travels. I just never got what was so fun about traipsing around with a bunch of golfers chasing that little white ball. I do like the beer cart that comes around and the after-party, but golf... not! I do love tennis, though, you play and you are done! xoxoxox

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