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Friday, March 30, 2012

I rarely watch an episode of the Dug.gers, but after hearing that the season finale this week was going to be about their recent miscarriage, I felt compelled to watch. So I recorded it, and finally worked up the courage to play it yesterday.

And I have to say, I didn't shed as many tears as I thought I would. Instead, the episode brought me so much peace within myself. Yes, watching their ultrasound where they learned the horrific news that their baby no longer had a heartbeat was heart-wrenching. It bought me back to all 3 of our ultrasounds where we found out the same news. I felt like I was on that table with Michelle experiencing what she was experiencing right there with her. (And I have to give her props for handling that moment with so much more grace than I ever have).

But the way she later spoke about her strong faith helped me to confirm what I already believed. I have to say I've let my religion slip a little over the years. Once I moved away from home, I haven't been able to find a church that I like, or one where I feel like I belong. Even though I don't regularly attend church, however, I've never stopped believing in God. Strangely our losses have made my faith stronger, while a lot of times people in these situations lose sight of it. I've always believed we will be reuinted with our babies again someday. So it brings me so much comfort that someone like Michelle, who has studied the bible way more than I have, believes the same thing.

There is a lot of controversy out there over them choosing to make this time in their life public and air it on TV. I'll admit I have differing opinions on them and their choices. However, every time I do watch them, all I see is kindness, compassion, and love. I think they are doing a great job in raising their children to be good, honest people who will be a positive contribution to society.

What I don't understand is why people are okay with watching, say, some extravagant wedding of a Kar.dash.ian, whose marriage is only going to last .5 seconds, but they are not okay with someone sharing their real life experience of a miscarriage. I'm sure the majority of those people who view it as wrong are those who haven't experienced it themselves. The only reason they shy away from it, it because they don't want to face the reality that it could happen to them.

So for that, I say thank you Michelle. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I know it could not have been easy for you. I could see that it wasn't easy for you. I could see the pain in your eyes when you spoke to the camera. Thank you for making those of us who have gone through a similar experience feel a little less alone. Thank you for bringing the subject of miscarraige out into the open. And thank you for teaching us more about your faith and reaffirming what I already knew to be true, but also find myself questioning at times.

Friday, March 23, 2012

One more thing I forgot to put in yesterday's post (which is weird because it's the thing that most upsets me). I also asked Dr. C if the tissue after every D&C was tested for chromosome issues. She said it was not. It was just looking for anything abnormal. But, you know, if this happens again that can certainly be something we can get done if we'd like.

What??!!!

You mean this could have, and should have, been offered to us after every loss and it wasn't?! I can understand maybe not having it done the first time, but it for sure should have been done after that. Regardless, we should have been given that right to decide.

This was towards the end of my appointment (you know, when I was on the verge of tears and just wanted to get the heck out of there) so I just let it go. Not much I could do at that point anyway.

I went ahead and made the RE appointment (April 5th). When I called my ob/gyn's office today to have them forward my records, here's how the conversation went:

Office: Did Dr. C refer you there?
Me: No.
Office: Okaaaay.....so you didn't talk to her about this then?
Me. I brought it up to her yesterday, but she didn't seem receptive to the idea, so I just made the appintment myself.

Are you freaking kidding me? Stop acting like your office can dictate who goes where to see which doctor. If I want to seek out another opinion elsewhere, that is my right as a patient. You cannot tell me where I can and can't go. Both Jeff and my dad made the comment last night that maybe I should just seek out a new ob/gyn regardless. I'm starting to think maybe they are right. The last two days with this office has left a really bad taste in my mouth.

Please God, let me get better service and care than this with the RE. If I'm told at our first appointment that I'm making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to, I don't know what I'll do.....

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments. Just when I start to think I"m going bat sh!t crazy, your words remind me that I'm not. It reminds me this is a big deal that should be taken seriously.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I had my follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn this morning. I was a nervous wreck going into it, as I was prepared to tell her I wanted to seek further testing and treatment with a RE. I was worried about how she would react, but hopeful she would understand where I was coming from, and I even thought perhaps she would suggest this herself. Just as I feared, when I suggested that maybe seeing a RE would be beneficial, she didn't take the bait.

She doesn't think a RE would do anything differently than what she's doing.

She thinks seeing a RE would be beneficial if I wasn't ovulating, but since I respond to Clomid and don't have trouble getting pregnant, she doesn't think it would be necessary.

She's willing to do chromosomal analysis for Jeff and I, as well as a HSG. However, she said if either of these things show something wrong, there's nothing that can be done about it anyway. First, I don't believe that an issue with my uterus can't be fixed. Most things can....right? And yes I realize nothing can be done about our genetics. However if, God forbid, blood tests show that either one of us has a chromosome issue, we'd much rather know about it now instead of going through this same cycle of getting pregnant and miscarrying over and over again. Why would be put ourselves through that if we didn't have to?

She threw out other ideas of things to try: Femera instead of Clomid, throwing baby aspirin in the mix even though I don't have clotting disorders. She suggests these things but then stares at me like I'm suppose to be the one to decide what we do. You're the doctor. Youneed to tell me what do to.

As soon as I could see the conversation wasn't going to swing the way I wanted it to, I shut down. I put up a wall, nodded my head, and said okay we'd think about it. I wish I had the guts to just tell her we'll be going to a RE anyway, but by that point I didn't care. I just wanted to get out of there so I could start crying (which you can bet I did as soon as I got to my car).

I hate to bash my doctor, because up until she now she really has been great. I've been through a lot with her in the 8 years I've been going to her. I trust her. I know it sounds stupid, but when I fantasize about having a baby, she's always been included in my fantasy as the one to deliver him/her. So stepping away from her not only scares me, but also makes me sad. I assume once I do achieve a successful pregnancy, I will be go back to her, but who knows where this new road is going to lead us in the future.

I don't question her knowledge per say. She is probably right for the most part, we may find she isn't doing anything different than a RE would do. But what bothers me is she doesn't seem to be supportive of a second opinion. She can't admit that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't know it all. And that maybe us seeing a specialist wouldn't be such a bad idea.

The other thing that has always bothered me, the thing I thought of while sitting in the room half naked for 35 minutes today waiting for her to see me, is I always feel like I'm not the priority in that office. I feel like when I go there for a prenatal appointment, I get brought right back to the room, and I hardly have to wait for my doctor to come in. But when I'm there for a Clomid check, or D&C follow-up appointment, I always have to wait a really long time. It just makes me feel even that much more left behind. Like the pregnant ladies are the important ones, and those who can't have a baby are on the bottom of the totem pole. I'm ready to go to a doctor who's #1 priority all day every day is their patients' fertility. Where we're all equally in first place instead of last.

For some stupid, silly reason I wanted her blessing. And I didn't get it. And that upsets me. But, I have to take this next step, with or without her blessing, because I know in my heart it's what is best for us.

I'm so exhausted from the last year. I feel like I have had to be my own advocate for so much. I felt like I had to spend my time searching the internet to try and find an answer to our problems. I'm just tired, and ready to put this in the hands of someone else. I want to throw it all on a RE and tell him to take care of it. Tell him to figure out what's wrong and what we need to do. Have him make a plan for us. Tell me what I need to do and where I need to be, and I'll do it. I just can't think about it anymore...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Hello all, and welcome to my blog. I am a 30 year old with PCOS. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and together for 6. We are trying to start the family we've always wanted, but finding it to be much harder than we ever thought. In the last year I have been pregnant three times, and lost all three. Not many people can say they have been pregnant three times in one year, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach that I can say that.

I started this blog in March of last year, shortly after my first miscarriage. When I started it, I expected to blog about my journey through infertility for a few months, and then have it quickly turn into a pregnancy blog, and then write about raising our first child and our life in general. I never in a million years dreamed I would be sitting here a year later, still writing about our struggle, with two more losses under our belt.

My husband and I are at a bit of a stalling point now in our TTC journey. My ob/gyn has basically chalked all three losses up to "bad luck" and wants us to just keep trying and doing what we've been doing (Clomid). Neither one of us can accept that and feel like we need to have more testing done before moving forward. I plan on making an appointment with a RE in the very near future to explore our options.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I find it interesting how many people assume that you haven't had trouble conceiving. I was talking with a coworker (who I have been pretty open with about my miscarriages) today and she made some comments that threw me off a little bit. I don't know how we got on the subject, but she started talking about how she couldn't imagine having to give herself injections, take her temperature every day before she gets up, and time intercourse at the right time in order to get pregnant like some people do. I wanted to say, "But that's pretty much what I had to do to get pregnant!" But I didn't. Once again, I remained silent.

You may remember this post where I talk about struggling with being able to be open and honest about our losses, but still can't bring myself to admit the other side of it. The infertility side, and what it took for us to get pregnant in the first place.

And then I got to thinking, why does everyone make the assumption that people don't have trouble getting pregnant? Just because I've been pregnant doesn't mean it didn't take a little extra effort to get there. It's amazing how infertility doesn't even cross the minds of the majortiy of the population, but yet there are so many out there struggling with it. Thinking about this also made me sad, because I realized I'm guilty of the exact same thing.

I thought about the friends I talked about in that same post, who miscarried with their second pregnancy. They already had one healthy child, and so I made the assumption that they don't have trouble getting pregnant. I assumed that their miscarriage was a fluke, and soon they will be announcing their next, healthy, pregnancy.

I also thought about these friends, and how insanely jealous I instantly became when I found out they were expecting, even though I knew it was wrong of me because of the hardships they faced with the pre-term birth of their daughter. I assumed they easily got pregnant this time, but how do I really know that?

I guess when you are an infertile, you do feel isolated and that you are the only one dealing with it. It's easy to assume that everyone else who has children had them handed to them. But the reality is a fairly large percentage of them likely had some struggles along the way.

This coworker, along with others, have made similar comments after finding out about one of our miscarriages. "Well at least you don't have any trouble getting pregnant." In a way, I mockingly laugh inside when I hear that from someone. Like, I know something you don't know, ha ha ha ha ha. I'm sure some day I'll come clean, as I feel the pressure to more and more. I'm sure once we meet with the RE and get some things figure out and get a plan in place, I'll feel like I'm at a place then to possibly come out about our infertility. But, until then I'll just pretend to others like I'm normal and fertile. You know, just like everyone else is....

*A funny side note. Here's a clip of our conversation today:
Coworker: What does basil temperature even mean? Do you have to stick it up your butt??
Me: Haha, no.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

After each of my losses I find myself going through this period of...entitlement. I feel like being able to have anything I want is the only trade-off from losing a baby that pacifies me. Like, if I can't have a baby, then I'm entitled to this AND that.

Jeff is a pretty conservative spender. I wouldn't necessarily call him frugal, he just takes time (a really long time) to think about a purchase before going forward with it. Before meeting him, I was pretty much the opposite. If I saw something I wanted, I bought it. If I racked up a $300 credit card bill, it was no big deal. Fortunately (or unfortunately - however you want to look at it), since meeting Jeff I've changed my ways. I now find myself hating credit cards and only using them when absolutely necessary, and immediately paying off the balance. If I see something in a store that I really want, I walk away and tell myself to sleep on it and that it will still be there the next day if I decide it's something I really need. And most of the time I decide I can live without it.

But oh how my attitude changes after a miscarriage. I start asking myself what's the point in saving money if we don't have daycare, diapers, and formula to pay for? Might as well buy whatever makes me happy in the moment, right? I bought a few things while shopping with my mom last week, but for the most part I've refrained from purchasing several other things I want....thus far. I find myself starting to weaken, however, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

I've also made many Star.buck's runs in the last week for $4 lattes. And I have been eating whatever carb-loaded foods I feel like eating. Unfortunately this has led to me gaining 3 pounds in the last week. Ugh. I really need to get back on track with my diet and exercise, it's just hard to find the motiviation right now.

I know these are just coping mechanisms, which is perfectly normal and understandable. I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with it either - there's much worse things I could be doing to cope besides spending money and eating junk food. I just find it interesting how strong this sense of "entitlement" becomes immediately after each loss.

About Me

Hello and welcome! I started this blog in 2011 in the midst of our infertility journey. After 3 unexplained miscarriages (likely due to my PCOS diagnosis), and the help of some drugs, I conceived twins! Our miracles, Chase and Alexis, were born in January 2013. Life has been crazy since they were born, and my hope is to start dedicating more time to sharing the good, bad, and the ugly here with you all!