Music. Relationships. Murder.

Main menu

Ever since I was bitten by some kind of wild animal on a hunting trip, some strange things are happening to me. I get REALLY bad headaches on the night of the full moon, then can’t remember a thing the next day. I’ve also become obsessed with peeing on things. Help!

Those Are Sideburns, Not Fur

***

Dear Sideburns,

Peeing on things is a practice as old as mango chutney. Those who conquered a town, village or island would frequently blaze their urine over the possessions of their defeated subjects, as a display of dominance. Keep it up!

When experiencing odd effects from an animal bite, it is wise to record yourself sleeping, for at least a month-and-a-half. Hopefully you’ll see a pattern in your behavior and can then correct or nurture said behavior. General Robert E. Lee was bitten by a feral spider monkey while visiting a prostitute which — as legend tells — endowed him with a noble mustache and the ability to breathe under water. Maybe you can breathe under water too? Give it a go the next time you are bathing.

For headaches, I strongly recommend a quart of potato vodka mixed with three baby aspirin and a sprig of rhubarb. This won’t cure the headaches permanently, but it will help you sleep through the transformation. When you next get arrested, remember to keep quiet — they are just gonna add it to your criminal resume. Stay alert, don’t lose focus. Bless the beasts and the children.

I’m an average-looking guy, but I’m kind of on the shy side, so I haven’t really had a lot of girlfriends. I’ve worked at a machine shop for years, so I’m pretty stable financially, and although my apartment isn’t huge or anything, I keep it clean.

A few months ago, my company hired a new receptionist for the front desk. As soon as I saw Tara for the first time, I knew we were meant to be together, but she doesn’t even seem to know that I exist, especially now that she’s started dating one of the other guys in the shop.

How can I get her to notice me? Please help!

Lonely In Louisville

***

Dear Lonely,

Don’t go whoring yourself out for some high street such and such. Your mental property is under attack, so weapon up!

A farm worker used to get left to himself, growing the food he wants, food that he likes — not the robot grass seeds from Monsanto!

Is the air any cleaner on Wall Street?

No!

Conquer your shyness with some help from someone you trust. Don’t give up!

Without a robust relationship with your earth kin, the world will remain at rest, stupid and lame.

When an Emperor of ancient China defended his Dynasty from being brutally dissolved, he had a fleet of trained cats running through the vent ways and transoms, up into the night air, lurking in the shadows, attacking any intruders through the duration of their demise.

Cats don’t need to be reminded they are cats — it just runs in them, in nature. The sun doesn’t forget to shine, it just does it.

Before you consider any actions towards Tara, remember the following; when attraction reaches the workplace, a few things will almost certainly need to be handled with the utmost care.

If Tara is already involved with someone else at work, hold back any advances. Just be you, talking like you would to your sister or whomever you got in your trunk.

You have a very unique opportunity to witness Tara in the workplace with a workplace boyfriend. Anytime their names get casually mentioned in the break room, listen and observe.

It also wouldn’t hurt to start stealing her current boyfriend’s lunch from the break room fridge. Really get into character, but be discreet.

Once they split up from the stresses of working and sleeping together, shave your initials in a cat and set it loose in her office or cubicle area. Women are easily disarmed by tiny creatures and country music.

Consider sending flowers to her anonymously. Give it a day and write your email address on a post it note, then put it on her workstation when she is away.

If Tara isn’t afraid of you now, by all means send her a playful email with a lunch invitation. Think picnic in the parking lot or a romantic trip to the snack machine.

Remember to treat Tara with respect, especially if she turns you down. You can always watch her from a distance and imagine that she is yours.