The passing of our Tamlorn

Our baby has died. There is no heartbeat, no growth, no obvious abnormalities, they’ve just died. You can see them in this last scan, all curled up, head at the top and body tucked under in the dark womb. The painful wait is over and there’s no hope left.

We’ve had a very, very long day. We’ve just arrived home from hospital. We’ve spent all day in waiting rooms with pregnant women and new parents with tiny infants. We’ve decided we have waited long enough and will end this on Thursday with minor surgery to empty the womb. We’re exhausted and devastated.

I know it’s so hard to know what to say when people when grieving, and that grieving people are often distant, preoccupied, and angry. Here are things Rose and I are finding helpful and not helpful.

Not helpful:

At least you know you can get pregnant

You can always try again

At least it was only early

It’s natures way of protecting you from a damaged baby

Maybe you did something wrong

It’s God/The Universe telling you something

It will happen when the time is right

Cheer up/chin up/it will all work out

Some of these things we already know, others are attempts to cheer that just hurt more. Grief hurried through become lonely, twisted, dark. Grief given time will heal.

Helpful:

I’m really sorry to hear that

It’s okay to take time to grieve

Would you like it if I shared about my experience of loss/brought round some dinner/sent you a card/gave you a hug?

It’s okay to say nothing at all. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to sit with other people’s grief, to be silent and not try to make it to be anything but what it is.

We’re calling this little one Tamlorn, after a beloved child in a book by Patricia A McKillip. My Tam. Our Tam. We’re hoping to go out tonight and buy a tree to plant in their memory.

We will rest for a couple of months and then plan to start trying again. Our donor is still on board, so this is not the end of our journey. Thankyou all for your hope and messages of love and support.

Hey Sarah, I’ve been following your blog from the UK for ages, but never posted before. You’re an inspiring and beautiful soul, writer and artist, and I’ve loved your reflections on love, life, trauma and healing. I learn so much from you, and it’s been precious to see yours’ and Rose’s love develop through your blog. I am so, so deeply sorry this has happened for you guys. There aren’t words for this kind of pain, and I am so sorry for your loss. I hope it’s ok for a stranger to send you both love tonight, so much love to you both. The Quakers talk about ‘holding someone in the light’-a (non-religious, but spiritual) meditation practice that visualises pure, healing light and love and warmth and calm surrounding someone who is hurting or in pain. I hope it is ok with you that I am holding you both in the light tonight. Love fiona x

So sorry for your loss. Congratulations on being able to so beautifully articulate how you both feel and how you wish to be treated (expecially what isn’t helpful). I have had the same experience you guys are having and people said all of those things thinking in some way it was helping but they were so wrong. Take time to grieve the loss of your little miracle.xx

I saw your blog as someone had replied to your Facebook post. I’ve been there myself, 12 times, and I can feel your agony. Nothing can prepare you for the pain of losing someone who was part of your life for such a short time. Well done for announcing it publicly. In my opinion that’s much healthier in the long run than hiding it, and your pain, the way I and so many have done. Just keep loving each other and make sure that you talk about it and that you’re both ready before you try again. You’ll never forget the baby that you lost, but I promise you that it will get easier to live with.

I think use are very strong an good hearted people for writing this takes courage an I have been through this to an everything you have both said was very helpful to people who dont understand what to say. I hope things will get better for use an if use needs anyone to just talk to im only a message or email away. My heart goes out to your pain. Im sorry about your loss. Jess xx