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5.19.2016

Where Your Backbone Ought to Be

A wise woman named Carrie Bradshaw once said, "we only obsess over relationships that feel unfinished." We tend to get caught up in the what-ifs, the almosts.

"She almost loved him.""What if he didn't give up on her?""They almost made it."

We hold on to those relationships that make us feel like there is more to the story, like maybe we could make it if we got another chance. We can't let go because we want that other chance so desperately, because we hope he comes back one day, or simply because the idea of him was too good to be true. We believe he was our soulmate, and because things didn't necessarily end badly, we believe that maybe we will get that chance one day. We pray God brings him back one day, we wish and hope and scream at the world, angry and broken, and then we hope and pray and wish some more. We need to stop doing that to ourselves.

There comes a time when you have to stop holding on and just let go. It's unhealthy, it's so unhealthy to spend every minute of every day wondering what you did wrong and if he might come back one day. It will mess with your head, your body, your spirit, your soul. Don't give a silly boy that power over you. Don't let him be the reason you lose yourself. You are more than that. You are stronger than that. Take a deep breath in, and let him go. "But I can't," you say. "I can't take down the pictures, I can't erase his name off my chalkboard, I can't delete the texts." Yes. You. Can. You have to stop thinking about him as more than whatever he is to you now, whether that's a friend, an acquaintance, or sometimes, sadly, nothing. Maybe he will come back, maybe he won't - but you have to recognize his new role in your life and holding on to every memory of him won't let you do that.

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because then you’ll be really alone, and you are scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block that door. Let it go."

Don't be afraid to let him go and be alone. Let God in. Inhale and miss him, love him, reminisce on everything you had. Then exhale and let. it. go. There's so much more out there that you're missing. The right one will come along, I promise, and he will be looking for a girl with a backbone, not a wishbone.