Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dirty Dungeons & Dragons Stories Volume One

Listen close, trusty companion. Today I'm going to talk about some dirty stuff. Sexual stuff. "Perverted" stuff. So if there's even a chance you might be offended, please turn away.

In addition, this is not work safe. Run, before your boss sees you!

Those of you who remain, I salute you. You are going to read some intense stories. Sweaty stories! Tantalizing stories! Maybe even some homoerotic stories! Bah gawd, we are going to break some ground here, people. Strap yourself in. Maybe put on some goggles.

Let us start from the beginning. It was around the year 1991 when some high school kids, high on 3 liter generic-brand root beer and fritos, were playing 2nd edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. The best DM I've ever played under was running an epic Spelljammer campaign. In case you don't know, Spelljammer is D&D in space. The ships were powered not via technology, but by magic.

Dirty D&D Story #1: The Statue of Fra

One day, we're on our spelljammer ship, flying through space. A statue of a beautiful female halfling was floating toward us. How long had it been adrift? Who knows? We pulled it on board.

It was way too much like this

This statue was a magic item. If you said a command word, the halfling came to life. And she was an "item" of the church of Fra. Fra was a goddess of "sexual healing" that the DM had made up. The clerics healed you through sex.

Well, this was a "magic item" most of the party wanted. My character didn't, as he was the sworn guardian of a woman who was prophecised to one day become the goddess of good (she did). She was also his girlfriend.

We were aware how offensive it was to claim a "woman" as nothing more than a sexual magic item. But it was played off as silly, and when I would DM, I most certainly was willing to switch it up on them.

The quietest player in the group immediately wanted the statue. He got her. He hid her in a secret compartment in his cabin in the ship, and even placed magical traps to protect her from the other PCs.

Shy Dragons breathe "don't look at me" gas

He did not "use" her for healing. No, his character loved her. He took care of her. He bought her gifts. This player had a bit of a history of this kind of behavior in the game. It really seemed like he loved and cherished the statue in real life, and was very angry at the idea that the other heroes would try and get "healing" from her. It was like this was his actual girlfriend.

Anyway... the thing with this statue was, it was a magical creation. It's purpose was to heal! And it healed through fornication! It would happily do so upon request to anyone, up to 3 times per day, if memory serves correctly.

It was only a matter of time before some of the other party members infiltrated the cabin, braved the traps, and had a threesome of healing~! The quiet player was enraged. And I am talking enraged and aghast in real life! Vengeance was swift and violent.

As we were spastic high school kids, inter-party combat was distressingly common. Somehow, the party survived this tumultuous time.

The statue of Fra opened my eyes to a whole unexplored side of the game. Sex in D&D could be fun! It was frequently hilarious! For me personally, it was a safe way to explore the entire idea of romance and "adult" relationships. I was terrified of women at that time.

My parents had a terrible relationship. I literally would wonder to myself why anybody would ever get married. I would watch the nasty things that my mother did to my father and I would swear that I would never end up in that situation. The easiest way to do this was to avoid relationships entirely. I hid from girls in the world of D&D for years.

Until, of course, a female joined our high school group. That is an entirely different story.

During that era in high school when we played D&D all weekend, every weekend, there were a number of girls who were interested in me. I once received a 10-page letter in the mail from a girl who had a crush on me. She had done drawings of us having sex. She used a label maker and attached labels to the letter that said things like "I want to suck your dick".

A lot of high school guys would frame this letter and mount it on their wall. They'd show it to all their friends. Me, I was terrified. I threw it in my closet, told no-one, and never looked at it again. I also avoided this girl like the plague (which was very difficult - she once actually showed up at my house).

I had another situation where a girl sent word that she wanted to go to the prom with me. Now, out of all the girls in high school, she was the one that I found the most attractive. And yet I was overcome with fear. I rejected her! The night of that prom, you know what I was doing instead? You got it: PLAYING DUNGEONS & DRAGONS.

Flash forward to 2007. I was running a toy store. I would tell my employees D&D stories and it wasn't long before they asked to play. I have found that most people in "real life" don't understand D&D and once they hear about it, they whisper to you that they want to try it.

Dirty D&D Story #2: The Sperm Blade of Penetration

This is an art commission of the heroes

So I have two players, one male, and one female. We're playing a little campaign. The heroes need the blood of the villain. With his blood, artifacts can be made to destroy the uber-powerful bad guy.

Now, my idea for this scenario was that the bad guy's followers drank his blood at church services as if it was holy water. I assumed this would lead to a scenario where the heroes infiltrated the evil church and somehow stole or obtained the blood.

But the female player (who played the halfling pictured to the left) looked at me and asked, "Does it have to be blood?".

She proceeded to concoct a plan to use the bad guy's semen to create artifacts to defeat him.

What followed was a legendary session of D&D where she went to the bad guy's tower, seduced him, blew him in a hot tub, stealthed her way out of the evil tower and brought the semen back to a magic forge.

Two magic items were created: The Sperm Girdle of Potency and The Sperm Blade of Penetration.

It was one of the most fun and hilarious things I've ever done in D&D. To this day, she still says to me, "Does it have to be blood?".

This incident ushered in a new era of dirty D&D for me. Players flocked to my games as they heard tales of orgies, barlgura douche jars and a pirate ship sailing a sea of semen. It was hilarious. It was fun. And the thing that continuously shocked me was that it was the female players who kept pushing the envelope. They demanded more and more - until it literally took over one of my most recent campaigns.

There was a lot going on there. I'll give details in future installments.