According to prevailing popular culture, the poet Robert Frost was dead wrong about that fire or ice thing: The world is going to end with one big nasty zombie sandwich, and we’re all going to have to take a bite. Even the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta know the zombies are inevitable and offer a preparedness guide on their site. In an effort to save as many magazine subscribers as possible in the Birmingham area, we’ve prepared a primer for how to survive in our city.

When the zombie apocalypse comes, social status will arguably be more important than ever and you’ll have to achieve this without LinkedIn or Facebook. Nobody said the end of the world would be easy. Start your networking now.

Always Look on the Bright Side of LifeProbably the single most important thing to survive the coming zombie outbreak is a positive outlook on what's left of your diminished, soon-to-be Stone Age life. Try to look for silver zombie linings. True, few of your friends and family will survive ó and those who don't will attempt to eat you soon ó but try to keep a stiff upper lip. Just visualize all those irritating people at work who you'll never have to make small talk with again. Again, make lemonade from those lemons! You'll no longer need to pretend to follow the travails of our city council, our municipal bankruptcy saga or ongoing water works farce.

Don’t Be a SuckerDo your homework ahead of time: Watch all the classic George A. Romero films and keep up with the ever-expanding zombie literature. That way you won't fall for rookie mistakes like relying on semi-automatic weapons you don't know how to load or gimmicks like putting dozens of treadmills in your front yard to slow down the undead. Newsflash: You won't have electricity, and you'll just look stupid.

Chance Shirley, writer and co-director of "Hide and Creep," a film shot in and around Birmingham, offers additional suggestions based on zombie films. "The classic plan is to go to the mall like in Romero's 'Dawn of the Dead,'" Shirley says. "But I'd rather go 'Shawn of the Dead' and go to the pub. My wife and I live three blocks from Rojo, and I can pretty much guarantee we'd go there. Beer, tacos -- what else do you need? I can tell you this, though: The last five people alive in Birmingham are going to be going from Bottega to Chez Fonfon to Hot and Hot to eat all the good food before it's gone."

Give Me (Railroad) Park AvenueIf you subscribe to "The Walking Dead" model, large urban population centers are to be avoided at all costs: lots of people equals lots of zombies-to-be. But there's precedent for making your stand in a tall tower or comfy loft downtown (read the excellent "The Reapers are the Angels" by Aden Bell).

View full sizeInside the buried Ensley Southern Railway Tunnel, built in 1908. If you have to go in here, like to find an alternate escape largely for manufactured zombie plot needs, make sure you go in after a secondary character who doesn't have many speaking lines. They are more likely to perish. You'll be back next episode. (Photo by Namaan Fletcher)

If you're in the market for abandoned buildings to fortify, you're in luck: Birmingham is a zombie buyer's market. Now that the Historic Tax Credit has passed giving developers a big incentive to rehabilitate historic homes and commercial buildings in Alabama, it's the perfect time to cruise around downtown Birmingham figuring how you could resuscitate a classy old building to watch the world crumble. Get started now with resources at preserveala.org/taxcredits.aspx.

Then, tell your real estate agent you need an alley entrance with an interior parking space, a roof that can convert to a garden yet is capable of supporting caldrons of boiling tar or catapults, as well as a narrow front entrance that's easily barricaded in case of frontal attack. Don't worry, agents keep lists of these sort of things. You'll also want a four or all-wheel vehicle (consider Subaru here: better gas mileage than hulking SUVs, plus it shows that even in the face of zombies ending everything you've known, you still have a sense of style).

Farm Living is the Place for MeSince you've dropped a significant notch on the food chain, you're going to have to get closer to your sources. We're talking eating very local. Call it the "Zombivore's Dilemma": Do you hunker down on a plot in town, establish a perimeter and make a stand or do you stay mobile, reactive and respond to situations as they come?

If you want to go medieval and fortify your position for the long haul, you need good soil and water. Jones Valley Teaching Farm downtown (jonesvalleyteachingfarm.org), Homewood Community Garden (homewoodcommunitygarden.blogspot.com) and other area gardens offer possibilities. Find more gardens on the Community Garden Coalition for Birmingham's website (sites.google.com/site/cgcbham). If you want something defendable, the original EcoScape Garden at Birmingham-Southern College (bsc.edu/sec/ecoscape) is largely fenced in and has local plants and herbs that require little irrigation to thrive. Like deodorant, taxes and personal trainers, intramural sports will be a relic of the past, so convert those adjacent athletic fields into farmland. Should you decide to bug out of the city entirely, Maple Valley Nursery in Sterritt (maplevalleynurseryllc.com) could be a nice spot to make your stand.

What if your thumb is more black than green? Better start learning now. Painted Shovel Mercantile in Avondale also offers periodic classes (paintedshovel.com), as do the Birmingham Botanical Gardens (bbgardens.org) and the Alabama Cooperative Extension System (aces.edu/main) also provides a wealth of information, from lecture series to extensive web resources.

Stay in Shape for the Remaining Single Ladies If you saw the hilarious "Zombieland," you know that keeping fit is important on many levels. First, the tortoise (i.e. zombie) never tires and so sometimes wins the race. In between foraging for grubs, keep up your conditioning. Secondly, the number of quality mating partners can likely be counted on however many remaining digits you have, so you'll want to look your best. That's going to be hard since you'll probably bathe in a stream every few weeks, but let's not give up, shall we? The species is really counting on you here. Consider bulking up through cross-fit training so you're prepared for whatever the after-life throws at you. Birmingham-based Iron Tribe Fitness offers locations throughout the city (irontribefitness.com).

Staying fit means eating well, too. Consider taking over your neighborhood Publix, Piggly Wiggly or Western Supermarket. Otherwise, you'll be living on convenience store remainders like candy bars, Coke and pork skins. Your skin is going to look awful and let's not talk about your hair. But if you can run like an Olympian, it doesn't really matter, does it?

This One’s On MeYou'll want a stock of liquor for medicinal purposes as well as those nights when you're not on watch duty and just need to get blindingly lit up to forget the fact that your former friends and neighbors are trying to eat your face. Start checking out bars now, so you can arrive soon after the zombies shut this town down. Scout specialty spots like Sol y Luna for tequila or Dram Whiskey Bar for scotch and bourbon. Other well-stocked establishments include Highlands Bar and Grill, Dave's Pub, WorkPlay, Lou's Pub and Little Savannah.

Despite these well-intentioned admonitions, preparing for the coming zombie apocalypse in Birmingham is a bit like getting ready for the SATs; you can try to cram last minute but really, doesn't this require a lifetime of preparation? If nothing else, try to get a good night's sleep and eat a nutritious breakfast. It can't hurt.

It's kind of like what Conscious Body Yoga and Massage Therapy owner Jasper Elliot Wolfe often says during her classes: "The first step to being happy is to just be happy." And if that helps you lower your levels of stress and anxiety while providing for improved muscle flexibility and strength for the end of the world, by all means, go for it.

View full sizeThe survivor is king of all he surveys, even if itâs just a cement factory near Malfunction Junction downtown. (Photo by Namaan Fletcher)

People to Know Before the Zombies ComeYour Local Farmer: Face it, all you know how to grow is probably an Excel spreadsheet. You need green thumb help to survive. Katie Davis or Charlie Hunter at Jones Valley Teaching Farm are a great start. 701 25th St. N., downtown | 205-439-7213 | jonesvalleyteachingfarm.org

One Who Forages: "Can I eat this mushroom and not die?" is not a question for which you want guess the answer. Chris Bennett of Hollow Spring Farm in Pell City teaches classes on foraging and supplies quality local restaurants including Hot and Hot Fish Club, Bettola and Highlands Bar and Grill. 620 Mt. Olive Drive, Pell City | hollowspringfarm.blogspot.com

He Who Brews: Let's face it, you're going to need a beer. Besides, like Elizabethan England, your water quality is no longer up to snuff. Jason Malone, a co-founder and brewmaster at Good People Brewing Company, lives in Homewood. I'd get to know him and the folks at Cahaba Brewing Company or Avondale Brewery.

The Village Smith: Yes, your warranty has expired. On everything. Someone who can mend a bow or sword is much more valuable than your cubemate who is really, really good at getting the printer to work. Instructors like Remy Hanemann at Sloss Furnaces National Historic Landmark teach classes in welding, blacksmithing and other useful skills. 20 32nd St. N. | 205-324-1911 | slossfurnaces.org

The All-around Musician: Funny how iTunes and mp3 players don't run without power. During the long, dark spooky nights, you'll need a musician around, preferably one with instrument repair skills. Try the good folks at Fretted Instruments (frettedinstruments.net), Homewood Musical Instruments (hmihomewood.net) or Bailey Brothers (baileybrothers.com).

Is the Doctor In? Or Still Alive?: See Birmingham magazine's annual Best Doctors issue (December) for more details.

An Equestrian: Horse power will now be measured in actual horses. If you don't want to walk, start taking lessons now. Try Birmingham's Fox Lake Farm (foxlakefarm.com), Blackjack Farms (blackjackfarms.net) in Irondale or Starlite Farms in Odenville (starlitefarmalabama.com). Learn more about how to survive a zombie apocalypse with information from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention at cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm. Like this story, the guide offers practical information that will help readers prepare for any disaster.

About the AuthorTodd Keith is the author of “Birmingham Then and Now” and “Insiders’ Guide to Birmingham.” In the event of an actual zombie apocalypse, he would likely abandon all rational thought, grab his son’s lovey doll and just go fetal.