Ridiculously inconsistent trickle of consciousness

Hi. My name is Clark and this is my blog. My intent is to entertain and I'd like this to be more than "Clark And What Pisses Him Off" (although there will definitely be some of that) so I'll be posting some short humorous fiction as well. I hope you like it.
WARNING: Sometimes I will cuss. And I will also embellish facts (ie: lie) in the interest of making things funnier than they really are. Just so you know.

Friday, July 31, 2015

"Purple Rain", the album, movie and concert tour came out 31 years ago. That means babies who were born as a result of any or all of those things are old enough now to complain about back pain.
Good grief.

Of course, I'm a huge Prince fan. I'm also a huge fan of Jill Jones, who plays the cocktail waitress ("Jill"). Plus, I've decided that going to a Dodgers game in Los Angeles with Apollonia is a bucket list item, so for several reasons, the movie is kind of a big deal to me. I'll celebrate the occasion by fondly reminiscing about the first time I saw it. I had an intense crush on a girl at the time, a crush that had been brewing for about four years. Taking her to this movie was our first date. That was a really good day/night, even though the crush ultimately turned out to be a bad idea. Oh well. What is there to celebrate in life other than the collection of good days/nights?

Anybody who wants to celebrate with a more tangible memento, the house that where The Kid lived and struggled with all kinds of familial dysfunction in the movie is available for sale, for a mere $110,000!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

As my friend J.B. Ball says about the 'sport' of hunting, "It's not a sport if one side doesn't know it's playing". That pretty much sums up how I feel about it. At least in the case of most hunters and fishermen who actually eat what they kill, there's a sense of purpose to it. I don't necessarily support that (there are lots of places to get something to eat without killing anything) but I can appreciate that it's not just a total waste. Not so in the case of big game, professional piece-of-cowardly-shit, trophy hunters like Walter Palmer. There's just no way for me to understand the mindset...

"Wow, I'm on safari in Africa! And there's a lion! This is incredible! I have been fortunate enough to find myself with the fairly unique opportunity to be in the presence of one of nature's most magnificent creatures, in its natural habitat. This is something most human beings will never experience in their lives. I guess there's nothing else I can do but to kill it. Of course! I need to end that creature's life for the sole purpose of being able to say I did. Look at it! Just walking around, going about the business of being a lion, all unarmed and stuff, with no idea whatsoever that I can end its existence from a distance, with every conceivable man-made advantage at my disposal and giving it exactly zero chance of defending itself. That's nature! That's sport! Yes, I need to kill it, hopefully giving it a slow and agonizing death, and then have my picture taken with its dead body. That way I'll have proof that I killed it. I should also chop its head off and mount it on a plaque for wall hanging. That's a good souvenir. I'm just a douchebag, low-life, bulb-headed dentist from Minnesota and there's no way I'll be able to prove I killed a lion if I can't show people pictures along with its actual chopped-off head. Goddamn, I'm awesome!"

Now, as much fun as it might be to find Walter Palmer, strip him naked and then chase him through an urban environment with rusty steak knives, letting him know nothing but fear and pain for what little time he would have remaining here on Earth, it's probably not a good idea. besides, come on, you know that isn't something that's going to happen. Enough with the rhetoric for once. Instead, it would be a more poetic gesture for lots of people to do something positive in response to one asshole doing something shitty.
To that end, here's a link where you can make a donation to the Univerity of Oxford's Wildlife Conservation Research Unit, the organization that was tracking Cecil and is "now recognised as the leading university-based institute for wildlife conservation research".

The mentally ill are all like, "Hey, don't put this on us. We're doing the best we can over here"

Victims remain dead

Hobbyists depicted by opponents as bloodthirsty and paranoid

Opponents depicted by hobbyists as gutless and oppressive

Each side accuses the other of being ignorant and what's wrong with America

Obama's level of culpability is debated

Update on victims status: still dead

Rinse, repeat

Apparently, since this is all that ever happens, every single time, we're okay with it. Shhh! Shhh! Don't protest to the contrary; regardless of what "side" you're on and whatever flavor of rhetoric you prefer, your (actually, our) actions speak much, much louder than words.
Of course you say you're sad about it because that's what you're supposed to say. I don't mean to impugn anyone's sincerity; if you express sadness over these things, I'm sure you mean it. After all, nobody who isn't a true sociopath likes it when innocent people are killed, and in spite of my opposition to gun hobbyists, in no way do I believe they're sociopaths. The fact of the matter is this is the way we have chosen to live and in spite of the occasional unpleasant incident, overall we're fine with it. We must be; we totally tolerate it. Sure, we bitch about it but that's as far as it goes. Let's just cut all the bullshit and at least admit that.

I'm not saying to give up the fight (again, regardless of which side you're on), I'm saying there is no fight. More accurately, all there is is fight. It feels good to stand up to those morons on the other side, whichever side that is, puff out your chest and "take a stand", doesn't it? Gets the blood flowing! You showed them! But that's for you, not for the benefit of anyone else. Let's not pretend the back-and-forth conjecture and debate is anything but that. This is still America, after all. We have a system that allows us to pretty much have whatever we want, including the ability to change things, and if we really wanted to, we would. The only logical conclusion that can be drawn when we don't is that's not what we really want, so we don't.

We built this city

This is the way of life we have chosen. The indisputable fact of the matter, proven by weight of overwhelming evidence compiled in a rapidly repeating history, is:

People are going to have guns and from time to time, other people are going to die.

It's that simple and it's going to stay that way until we decide otherwise.

"'Now wait a minute. Isn't there something just a week prior to this that he expects us to attend? Does he really think we're going to show for every recital this shrimp-head gets signed up for? What a pain in the ass.'Now that you know what my mom and dad would say about this, yes, I'm inviting you to another stand-up comedy event that I'm participating in at Side Splitters, and yes, it's only a week after the one I just invited you to the other day.Here's the deal: Side Splitters presents a comedy tournament every year and I've been invited to participate. I will face off against Nancy Cannon on Sunday, August 16th at 7:00 pm, prior to a show headlined by Nick Griffin. If I win (determined by audience vote), I move on to the next round to face someone else. At stake, eventually, are cash prizes and the opportunity to travel and do gigs on the road.I'd love to have you in my corner and if you can make it out, you can use my initials (CB) as a promo code for $5 tickets at WWW.SIDESPLITTERSCOMEDY.COM. That's for the whole show, not just the tournament part. Pretty good deal."

"Hi. I did this before, back in May and I'm doing it again in August. Yes, once again we shall gather at Side Splitters where I will stand up in front of you and take the words from my brain knob, spit them from my mouth hole and directly into your head noggin via your ear caves with the hope that this provokes a laughter reaction. I would like to invite you to attend, whether you were able to do so in May or not. Why? More like WHY NOT? Boom. Gotcha.
Here are details from last time, copied and pasted from that event because even though they are old facts, they are still just as true today as they were in ancient times, albeit slightly edited to reflect our trendy times:
It'll be an open mic format, meaning I don't know exactly what time I'll be going on (but it will be pretty early on) and it will be a short set, probably about 10 minutes...
You don't have to buy tickets in advance (I don't get a penny of the gate money either way) but if you want to, you can do so by going to https://sidesplitterscomedy.com/tampa/event-list/
Don't sweat the price; there will be lots of really good local comedians so it will be worth it. Plus, I think it comes with a free drink and pizza or something.*
* = Confirmed; it totally does!"

"Hi guys! Come on out and see an amazing showcase by some of the best of the bay as we revamp the format and make the comedy marathon into something even greater at a later date!

The Bay Area is home to many professional and touring comedians, migrating comics and up & coming talent. The Bay’s comics have been seen on television, in film, heard on the radio, launched successful podcasts and beyond. The night includes a host of different styles - Performances include Aniria Aniria ,Clark Brooks, Comedian James Bailey, Jerod Walker, Jennifer Hensleigh ,Jim Choquette, Jonas Presendieu, Kyle Ruse , Rafiq Shaheen, Rob Prus, Max Herman, and TONY GAUD among others.

CBS Tampa's Most Valuable Blogger Award 2011 Winner

Who's this guy?

Originally from Benton Harbor, Michigan, I have lived in the Tampa Bay area for over 20 years now. I am a published writer with numerous internet columns, magazine articles and a documentary film credit. I've also done professional announcing and acting. I like to make fun of stupid people in positions of authority when they do stupid things. While that implies that I think I'm somehow superior to them, nothing could be further from the truth.