This is my blog and personal webpage where I will continue to explore the power of laughter to heal the human body and mind.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Fixing the broken windows in our lives

I have a little confession.

As a psychologist, I don’t always enjoy reading the work of
other psychologists. The standard formula is often taking an idea, outlining it
in the first chapter, and then just kind of repeating that idea for the next
400 pages or so. Plus there’s too much jargon. I know the jargon and don’t even
use the jargon. Our clients rarely care too much about that stuff.

There have however been some wonderful books written about
psychology by journalists that have shed some light on why we do what we do.
The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell was one of these books. In this book, he
explored a theory of crime and urban decay called “fixing broken windows.’ A
summary:

“If a window is broken and left unrepaired, people walking
by will conclude that no one cares. Soon, more windows will be broken, and the
sense of anarchy will spread from the building to the street, sending a signal
that anything goes.”

In other words, when you let the little things go, the
bigger things can soon pile up as a result. The creators of the theory
demonstrated the idea in a number of cities and found it almost always held up.

Beyond economics and crime, I think there is perhaps also an
application for those of us managing the problems in our day to day lives.

When we ignore the little things long enough, they often
become big things.

There are many examples of these broken windows in our
lives. Maybe we’re feeling disrespected or unappreciated at work and have begun
calling in sick more often and slacking off. Perhaps it’s been a few weeks
since we’ve been intimate with our partners when we once had a healthy and
active sexual life together. Maybe we notice our once happy-go-lucky child is
all of a sudden distant and avoidant.

It’s easy to ignore broken windows at first. Maybe we simply
tell ourselves things will go back to normal soon enough. Or that it’s just a
blip. Or perhaps not worth the trouble of talking about.

But as I’ve learned the hard way in my own life, broken
windows become very messy houses if we leave them long enough. Unreturned phone
calls become estranged relationships. An irritating work situation becomes full
on insubordination. Failing to discuss relationship disagreements becomes going
to bed a little later and almost a complete lack of affection.

Broken windows...

We can address these broken windows by learning to embrace
assertive communication. As we see from the graphic above, all of the other
three primary modes of communication end with someone losing. When we are
passive, we sacrifice our own needs. When we are aggressive, we neglect someone
else’s needs. And perhaps the most irritating of them all is passive-aggressive
communication, where we are clearly bothered by something and punish both
ourselves and others rather than actually talking about it.

Assertive behavior is not always easy. When our emotions get
involved, it’s really easy to either heat up or shut down. Assertive behavior
requires us to manage these emotional surges and ask, “what problem are we
actually trying to solve here?” Even the best of us (I’m not one) get it wrong.
Get it wrong a lot.

Broken windows also occur all the time with our physical
health. Maybe we’re not sleeping nearly as well as we used to, but chalk it up
to a bad run rather than exploring the root of the problem. Perhaps we’re experiencing pain somewhere in our bodies but ignore it rather than go to the doctor
and potentially hear some bad news (men are notorious for this.)

Both physical and emotional pain usually starts with a broken
window. A warning sign. A little red flag letting us know that something is not
quite right.

This is, in fact, one of the primary purposes of pain. To
open a window and let us know that something needs checking out.

In 2018, I have resolved to start fixing a number of my own
broken windows. I emailed someone I was at odds with, made an appointment with
a doctor, and took my car into the shop. In all three cases, I actually felt tremendous relief when I got up and fixed those windows.

Give some thought to the broken windows in your life. I bet you can find a few that need a little attention.

No comments:

Like us on Facebook

About Me

Dr. Joe Guse is a former comedian from the Pacific Northwest, who performed around Chicago for several years before deciding to go into psychology as a career. Joe made this seemingly odd transition after working as an entertainer in nursing homes, where he found that there was a very strong relationship between laughter, resilience and healing. This relationship between laughter and mental health has been the crux of Joe's work as a psychologist, and he has since written 19 books on various topics detailing his experiences integrating laughter into his work. Joe splits his time between Los Angeles and Auckland, and also does seminars around the world helping people explore the relationship between humor and mental health in their own lives. Joe holds 2 Master's degrees in Human Development and Counseling Psychology, and a doctorate in Clinical psychology. He is a Clinical
Psychologist registered in Illinois, Washington, New Zealand and Australia.

For interview requests

I am happy to do interviews and consult with other bloggers, journalists, and filmmakers in any way that is needed. Please contact me at joeyguse@gmail.com and I will get back to you as quickly as possible. I can also be reached at (312) 854-9863