The New Arcana - five tarot cards for the modern age

Tarot cards have been around since somewhere in the 15th century. That’s a long ass time ago, it’s time to freshen up the deck. When’s the last time you saw a hanged man? One that wasn’t David Carradine, or the guy from INXS. What about a hierophant? What is a hierophant even?

Here are my proposals for five new major arcana.

Also, please: if you're a witch don't cast no spooky spells on me.

This guy hates you so much.

The Barista

He weaves his dark magic for minimum wage. What alchemy is this that produced so sweet a drink with so bitter a gaze? What wizardry did it take to spell my name as ‘Gerald’? You’re not even trying.

Barista's are as ubiquitous today as Wheels of Fortune's were in the 15th century. That's a well researched fact that you can definitely look up in any historical text worth its salt. Take that to the bank, my friend.

I think all Starbucks employees hate me.

The Poop Emoji

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth is it to receive a poop emoji in response to a cheeky eggplant.

It was either going to be the poop emoji, or just a wiener pic and I'll be honest, I wasn't sure this was that kind of website. By which I mean a website that publishes tasteful erotica.

Goldust

Has there ever lived a more mysterious, enigmatic, and often times inscrutable man than Goldust?

Charizard

120 HP

Fire Spin: Discard 2 Energy cards attached to Charizard in order to use this attack (100)

This card was highly sought after when I was like 12. It was either going to be this or Blue Eyes White Dragon, but nobody cares about Yu-Gi-Oh, except for my good friend Edward. But I think he was only pretending for like a summer. One time I saw high school kids playing Yu-Gi-Oh on the train. It was then I realized that I might actually be a cool guy.

Pitbull

‘She like that freaky stuff, two in the ‘o’ and one in the eye. That kinky stuff, you nasty. But I like your type, and like T.I. it’s whatever you like. Bring your girls, just whatever the night. Your man just left, I’m the plumber tonight. I’ll check yo’ pipes. Oh! You the healthy type! Well, here goes some egg whites

Now, gimme that sweet, that nasty, that Gucci stuff. Let me tell you what we gon’ do. Two plus two, I’m gon’ undress you. Then we gonna go three and three, you gon’ undress me. Then we gonna go four and four, we gon’ freak some more.’

- Pitbull, Hotel Room Service

Got a suggestion of your own? Slide into our DM's with yours, and we might get to it at some point in the near future. It can't be any worst than Goldust.