stringing time together

We all take on so many roles in our lives, as a friend, as a child, as a lover, as a creator, as a student, as a teacher, as an enemy, as a sibling, the list goes on. And every single one of these roles we play make us feel a different way about our age. In some of these roles age matters more than the others.

As a child, I will always feel young. As a teacher I will always feel old. As a creator I don’t feel any time at all. I think that is pretty fascinating.

Does age even matter? Maybe not.

Another thing that I have noticed, is that every year older I grow, I connect back to a different part of my past. Recently I have been relating most to my 17 year old self. A girl tired of school, has good friends, is learning to love art. Challenged by the relationships in her life. Hyper-sensitive to the energy around her. I also connect to myself when I was but a small gummy worm. Goofy, and curious.

But those other times in my life, when I was 14 or even when I was 18, or 19, I don’t relate to that person at all. Sometimes it feels like the phases in my life are like string lights, all connected by something, but never colliding.

And what to do when you and a friend shift in and out of different phases at different times?

I remember reading a book on transitions at the end of high school and one thing that stuck out to me was this idea that when things are changing in our lives, we tend to get rid of everything but what and who we really really need. We hold so closely to the few people and concrete things in our lives, that the rest falls behind.

It’s almost as if we are doing the human version of molting. Or pheonixing or whatever you want to use as a metaphor.

But now, for the first time in my life, I feel that if I went through a big change, the people in my life would stay. The way that I am would stay.

That is a really good feeling.

Change is something I spend a lot of time thinking about, because I am constantly going through it. It takes me weeks to figure out how I feel about something— my mind has to try on a few feelings until my gut tells me which one is the right one.

It’s international women’s day, and I feel proud to be a woman. I feel proud that I have gotten over my fear of being vulnerable because I am afraid to be hurt. I am proud that I have learned to have poise through restraint. But most of all I am proud of the people who have almost literally built me like legos into the person I am. (a slightly bigger gummy worm)