Bullying – Hideous Trauma

If there is anything about us that is ‘different’ – or sometimes just ‘new’ – there’s a good chance that someone will find that reason enough to bully and tease. Particularly if that potential bully is insecure, deep down, themselves…

Of course the disabled – and particularly the newly disabled – can be ripe targets of bullying. They are often dependent and/or young and/or particularly trusting. I was intrigued when I read this article from a very special woman, now in her seventh decade, reflecting on a subject that has touched her life – and in turn has touched so many lives. I admire her for being willing to share her experiences and have the hope that somehow her story will help all of us become a little more aware of this insidious behaviour. If you know of someone who is suffering bullying, please get help – call your local police, child help line or local social services. When the bullying has physically stopped, let a counsellor heal the emotional damage…

“Sadly, many of us go have to go through a form of bullying it seems just to survive our daily lives. It can even start in school when we are very young – and how hurtful it can be. It can make a person reluctant to make decisions in the future for fear that they may be made to look silly or maybe come up against another bully. As I know only too well… A lifetime of hurt and baggage before we even graduate childhood.”

Bullying within a marriage is completely unforgivable – because the bully is someone you’ve given your heart to. In fact sometimes a young person or even a small child can also experience that kind of behaviour from parents or siblings at home… The very people and place we need more than anything to be our safe haven.

Unfortunately, there are deep undercurrents of patterns at work here. Someone who is the victim of bullying as a child may, despite promising themselves that they would never bully anyone, end up an unwitting bully. And so the pattern continues. One fairly sure way of breaking this chain is through education and self-development through counselling. Very powerful…

Wherever bullying takes place, particularly if the bully is someone we have given our love and trust to, the victim loses their self-confidence. They have no idea what the day will bring – sometimes a good day but always the doubt that maybe this day they will be punished either physically or mentally. So never quite sure what the day will bring for them and never being able to enjoy the feeling of ease, safety and peace – which I wish with all my heart for everyone.

Sometimes victims feel that everything is his/her fault. They will even make excuses for the bully. With adult victims friends and family might try to persuade them that this bullying behaviour must not be allowed to continue but often the victim cannot see, stand up to or change the bullying. After a while the victim becomes unable to make normal every day decisions for fear of making a mistake which will ‘rock the boat’. I’ve often heard this feeling described as ‘walking on eggshells’ – a horrible way to live a life. For me, freedom of speech is one of the most basic Human Rights and yet so many of us don’t really enjoy it.

Getting away from a situation like this is not easy, especially when there are children involved. Emotionally it’s very likely that you’ve become unsure about exactly what’s happening and where ‘right’ begins and ‘wrong’ ends. Physically you may be dependent on the bully for your daily life – most bullies can also be very loving and generous – when they choose. And of course the ‘weaker’ among us – typically the disabled, sick, elderly and children – are especially at risk of becoming a victim.

Abuse and bullying are slowly becoming more the focus of attention – for which I am so thankful. I hope that one day they will be regarded as seriously as drug addiction or alcoholism. As a society we need to put in place more – and more acceptable – alternatives for our care so that we aren’t so dependent on these bullies. The sooner the victims are released from these unbearable situations, the better. A leopard cannot change its spots – unless it really wants to and is willing to work hard on self-development with a counsellor or other health professional.

Of course these bullies were almost always the victims of other bullies themselves at some point in their lives. That’s the rub… And the tragic pattern. They desperately need society to take a stand and help them to overcome their own pasts and at the same time to help their victims… Who they often love. And who, at the very least, are those of us who are for some reason dependent on them.

I challenge our society to provide a real alternative in the way of income, social supports and the opportunity for the most disabled among us to work, take a real part in life and to be able to contribute our skills and so rise above this sad behaviour…

If you have a comment, opinion or story, we would love to read and share it… Either with your name or anonymously.