Tag Archives: Paul Blart

All beloved pop culture institutions. 2 cult tv shows, 2 critical and commercial hit programs, and 1 blog that has multiple subscribers and has been called “good” and “funny” by my dad (but also probably, “wildly inappropriate”*) and has been ‘liked’ by serial Facebooker, my mom. As I said, pop culture institutions.

They all also took a break before a triumphant return to appease public demands. Netflix did a new season of Arrested 7 years after it was originally canceled and we got more Gilmore Girls after it being off-air for 9 years, because apparently that’s how long it took us to forget how f-ing annoying Rory is. There will be new seasons of Twin Peaks and Will and Grace this year after 25+ year and 11 year hiatuses, respectively.

And lastly, 15 months to the day after my last post, I am back to give my adoring and loyal fans what they’ve been waiting for. I’m sorry, did I hear you scoffing at that? No I didn’t over the sounds of people literally cheering with excitement….And also because I’m not hovering over people forcing them to read this because while it’s been established that I’m insane…actually nevermind that sounds exactly like something I would do and also why else would you even be reading this? Well, just FYI I have been getting a lot of feedback from fans begging for new posts…here is a direct quote:

“If you’re going to just sit around all day doing nothing, you might as well write for your blog or whatever. Or clean your room. Also, did you steal my credit card and/or know anything about all these charges at Sugarfish, Diptyque, and the App Store for Candy Crush Soda Saga?” -Anonymous

If that’s not basically Roswellfans sending the WB thousands of bottles of Tabasco, I don’t know what is.

Okay, fine. I’m not delusional. I know I’m no Will and Grace or Arrested Development. Realistically, Crying in Ubers is the blog version of American Idol. No one was asking to bring AI back after only ONE YEAR off-air. No one. And even before we thought we were done with it forever, it hadn’t been great/that appealing in quite a while. But I’ll be damned if AI, and metaphorically, Crying In Ubers, wasn’t one of the highest rated shows of all time that changed TV as we know it and launched the careers of superstars like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Hicks.**

NO. Bad Internet. JUST NO

So sure, we might all be rolling our eyes (while secretly hoping ABC brings back Brian Dunkleman to help cover in case Ryan Seacrest‘s time turner malfunctions), but even if my blog is the Kara DioGuardi years, I’m still raking in tons of views and beaucoup bucks.***

I was going to write something funny but I got so bored I fell asleep

After all this I’m back talk, you may be wondering why the break in the first place. Or, possibly, if I didn’t catch all the times I accidentally typed I’m black, you might be very confused and wondering if I read Rachel Dolezal‘s memoir one too many times. Note: I read it 6+ times (for work), so you decide if that’s too many.

Anyway, I don’t know what to tell you. I just haven’t had the ideas, or motivation, or inspiration or whatever. I think I just lost my funny. You have to be funny in the first place in order to stop being funny….BAM! Beat you to it!

I have always said if there is one character from film, tv, or literature to whom I am most similar it is Austin Powers. This whole not being funny/being able to write is just like when Fat Bastard steal’s Austin’s mojo. I’ve lost my mojo. And just like Austin, this is preventing me from banging Heather Graham.

The resemblance is uncanny….although my chest is a lot more hairy

I may not be fully there yet….I really do wish I had made my grand return with a funnier post…but I’m on my way. So, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I return. So grab your tissues and embrace your inner psycho. And if you’re an uber driver in LA and you hear hear sobbing in the backseat as you make your way from any number of bars to Beverly Hills, don’t be alarmed…the bitch is back.

To my loyal fans (read: mom and dad), I promise I will make you laugh again, and so help me God, I will boink FHM‘s 97th Sexiest Woman in the World of 2002.

*Pls see my reasoning for not wanting to give a dude “a blowie” while watching a Kevin James movie….and no, it is not that Kevin James on a Segway isn’t a turn on, because duh, it totally is. Kevin James on a Segway is also the name of my future band or a sex act I am going to invent. Or both.

**I was going to go with someone funnier like Sanjaya, but that seemed too obvious. Plus, I would just like to remind everyone that this opposite-of-a-silver-fox won.

***No, I have not in any way monetized this site. Except that I pay for my domain name, so I literally am making negative dollars a year.

I can assume most girls reading this are looking for that special guy (or girl) to live happily ever after with. Not me. I just really want someone to break up with me. Of course first I need to snatch myself a beau (which is going to be the biggest struggle), but then I can’t wait to get dumped (which will, let’s face it, not be too hard). And I guess this is the moment that happens when you read every one of my blog posts where you have to ask yourself “WTF is wrong with this bitch?”

It may be a weird thing to want to have happen to you, but I do have my reasoning. Firstly, I have never been really, truly dumped. That isn’t to say I haven’t had my heart broken (or maybe something less dramatic), but I’ve never had a proper boyfriend. Well, I guess not entirely true….The last boyfriend I had was in eighth grade, and he did break up with me….on Valentine’s Day……because “his dog died.”* And despite spending my entire lunch period sobbing and stuffing my face with candy hearts (which I only continued eating after the first one to mask the nasty after taste), pretty sure I got over it by like February 15th.

But, the problem is, music is big for me. (rough transition I know, but just bear with me here) Like emotionally. And I really like breakup songs, even when I’m happy, but especially when I’m sad. And yeah, I can spend the night tucked a way in bed (or in an uber) with a bottle of wine belting my heart out to Adele through tears and tears, but I feel like unless you’ve recently gone from girlfriend to ex it’s not really as culturally accepted. It’s not that I want to be sad, I just want to have some reason to let myself go in the music. Plus, I want to be able to really relate to the lyrics and let them resonate. Shall we explore a few of my favorite tunes?

You Oughta Know- Alanis Morissette

Ahhhhh Alanis. So clearly, we’re starting with the aggressive and the explicit. I of course do not expect to relate to all the specifics in her lyrics: like sorry I’m certainly not going to be the one “going down on you in a theater,” if for at least no other reason than hello….I don’t want to miss any of the movie! I’ll let her give the blowies at Century City, but she’s going to regret having not paid attention to Paul Blart Mall Cop 2,** but I refuse to miss a minute of Kevin James riding around on a Segway attempting to catch his breath mid-“high speed” chase. I mean, I’m also not willing to stop biting my nails just so that they’re long enough to hurt you assuming I move on to a human voodoo doll. But like, yeah, I totally feel you in that chorus Alanis. Like no one’s ever told me they’d love me until they died, but like even if a guy just says hi to me I’m like does she know you told me hi?!! Like how could you be with another girl just one month after showing me basic human decency?!!! Although, I don’t know if I’d get this worked up about Uncle Joey, like unless I was just pissed that it meant I couldn’t hang out on the Full House set and ogle John Stamos.

Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood

Okay, so I think it should be clear this has to be like a bad breakup for this to work. I don’t have to be cheated on necessarily, but it would definitely help with a lot of these songs, specifically this one, obvs. Interesting, Carrie accuses the other woman of being a trashy whore while Alanis was basically taunting her ex that his new chick wasn’t whorey enough. Look, if someone cheated on me, I’d probably resort to cyber bullying before busting up their car. What’s going to hurt more? Having to call AAA or me commenting on an instagram without liking it? But that’s not to say I don’t sympathize with the destruction of property. One time I decided I was gonna key someone’s car but it’s too hard to find the right black BMW*** in an LA parking lot so I gave up after like 30 seconds. I don’t know if I’d have access to a baseball bat and I don’t know how much damage my brother’s tennis racket that’s in my car could do, but I do know that my brother would do way worse to me if I wrecked his Babolat. But despite all that, I can definitely get behind the message of this song.

You’re So Vain- Carly Simon

I’d just like to point out that DaxShepard recently tweeted, “Whether or not he was vain is debatable, but the song was, in fact, about him” and I think we all need to acknowledge the truthfulness of that. Well, right off the bat, I don’t know and never will know how one looks “walking on to a yacht” because I get violently seasick and can’t even look at a boat. Carly continues to sing,”your hat strategically dipped below one eye, your scarf it was apricot” — I’m sorry, but is she singing about Warren Beatty or Lucas Grabeel‘s character in High School Musical? But once I get past all that and change “I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee” to I had some dreams they were clouds in my Oprah Chai Tea and I’m ready to sing along with Carly and Mick about the boy who knowing my taste will most certainly be so vain.

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

“It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now”? I mean, I can’t relate to a song as much as I can relate to that. I guess there aren’t really explicit references to a defined relationship, but I think we can assume she (is Lady Antebellum a person like Lady Gaga or Lady Edith from Downton Abbey or a band?) is about to drunk call an ex-boyfriend. I also like that it leave room for interpretation…does she want to call him? Snapchat him? Maybe she’s gonna send him a message on Tinder…

Basically Any Taylor Swift Song

Taylor Swift knows what I’m talking about when I say I want to get broken up with. The only difference is she gets dumped by celebs and uses it to become one of the biggest stars in the world and I want to use it to really feel my playlist as I speed down Sunset. Anyway, thank you Tay Tay for giving us the best mid-song spoken dialogue since Britney Spears taught us that there was more historical accuracy to Titanic than just the boat sinking.† Side Note: Speaking of Titanic, I’m not including My Heart Will Go On because let’s be real it’s just too sad. Also, my dad once made fun of me with it with this really gross boy when we were on like a catamaran or raft or something so I’m pissed and scarred by that too. But seriously, nothing is more me than “Ughhhh” and “I just….I mean this is exhausting.” Unfortunately the spoken part of I Knew You Were Trouble was less successful, but the rest is so solid, I’ll forgive you, girl.

Same goes for Adele

The difference between Taylor and Adele is that I really feel for Adele…like she really got her fucking heart broken. Nothing against dating a new celeb every week (okay maybe something), but I don’t think Taylor has ever felt what Adele has. If I ever get to meet Adele, I am just giving her one giant hug and never letting go. I can’t even go into details on her songs because they’re all so freaking good!! I just want to mention that I think Bruno Mars is basically the male Adele I just want them to find each other and also I would have included the amazingness that is Grenade but I didn’t want to bore you with so many songs.

You Were Meant For Me- Jewel

I’m kind of obsessed with this song and it really hit me when Cliff had it on repeat after Mindy dumped him. However, it’s like if this guy is not accepting of me being a slob it was clearly not meant to be and you can sure as hell bet once we broke up I wouldn’t give a shit that I was leaving wet towels on the floor or the cap off the toothpaste or the lights on. Like who does this guy think he is…my dad?

There are of course plenty more, some about breakups, some about makeups, (as I said I didn’t get into My Heart Will Go On or I Will Always Love You, which coincidentally, I have cried to in an uber before, and I omitted another personal favorite, I Will Survive, because I figured you guys were getting bored of reading my shit) and some songs that I want to shout no matter what my mood (read: Livin On A Prayer). But I guess until I get my wish, I’ll just be crying in ubers and inappropriately singing about an exes that aren’t even real exes.

*As awful as the whole thing sounds, I don’t think he really meant that the dog was why he was breaking up with me, just that it was a factor in him having like a rough week or something? Also, why would he have not told his own girlfriend that his dog died? Or did it die that morning? I also really really hope you’re not reading this Jon because I would hate to make you relive that (no sarcasm, dead serious….FUCK NO PUN INTENDED!) And lastly just an FYI we’ve totally made up (not like got back together, but gotten past the fact he broke up with me on Valentine’s Dayand how he did it)

**Due out in April 2015!!!!

***Color and make/model have been changed to protect the people involved

†SPOILER ALERT!!! whoops, sorry….. but also maybe that it took place in space?

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