Books by Phil Torcivia

Donald Trump is a national embarrassment who is wreaking havoc on our democracy. He lied and cheated his way to the presidency. Trump and his campaign officials coordinated a hack and attack with Russian operatives on Hillary Clinton to affect the vote and win the electoral college. The strategy involved obtaining emails, injecting false and damaging information, and properly targeting and timing the release of the “fake news” using social media campaigns.

It sucks, but it worked.

Now, we can sit back and take our lumps over the next years until Trump’s ego fully undoes his presidency, or we can hasten his removal by trolling the living fuck out of him and those who support his evil agenda.

This guide contains social media strategies including sample posts to hasten Twitler’s demise.

You single? How’s that dating thing working out for you? Getting your recommended nightly allowance of love and affection? Or are you at the point where a bottle of Pinot, a good TV series, and a pet or two are all you need?

Thirteen years of being single, after thirteen years of marriage, has left me in a peculiar place—on Nice Guy Island.

I’m not the aggressive bad boy who hooks women with his mysterious behavior. I’m polite, kind, and considerate, which translates into “fucking boring” for far too many potential mates. Hence, all my paddling away from the island lands me in strong currents, taking me back where I started.

If you visit my island, what you’ll find is an often-sedated, yet content population of one and two-thirds (male felines, Syd and Symon). The fridge is full of beer, tuna, hot sauce, and prepared meals. The freezer has ice packs for sore, old muscles. Nothing else to see here. Not exactly Barbados.

On this island, even masturbation has become tedious, so I venture out nightly in search of stimulation. These pages document those travels. May you find humor in my message—it keeps me afloat.

Yours, stranded,

Phil

Purchase this book at Amazon for your Kindle, just $2.99, or paperback $6.99.

Get your Kindle copy signed with a personal message for free at Kindlegraph.

Relationships have become more exhausting than exhilarating. Is it just me? When I’m single, I’m prowling for my love. It’s costly to my sanity and to my wallet, trying to determine if she likes me—then doing things to make her like me more (and get naked). When I’m in a relationship, I’m juggling texts, dates, her family gatherings, and baseball, doing my best to avoid disappointing my lover.

Is it better to be married or single?

Do you wonder what life would be like on the other side? When married, how peaceful single life could be. When single, how marriage might cure loneliness. Having been on both sides, I’m unsure which is better. There are great parts of both.

Either way, you’ll relate to these essays.

Whether you’re male, female, or something in between; whether you’re eighteen or eighty or something in between—you’re going to relate to the following pages in some way. I guarantee it. I also guarantee I will push your buttons. I’ll make you giggle and piss you off. That’s intentional. I just hope you’re entertained by my relationship disasters. Heck, maybe my mistakes will save you from a similar fate (another pet).

Let’s drink, drink, and be single.

Enjoy the ride, my friends. If you ever see me at my office (a bar), put a hand on my shoulder, share a frosty beverage, and let’s steer each other away from the dangerous cliffs of love.

Purchase this book now at Amazon for your Kindle, just $1.99, or paperback $6.99.

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So, you want a man?
Allow me to guide you through the jungle of hairy beasts.

99% of your romantic relationships have failed.
You are the common denominator, so logic would say you suck at relationships.

The problem isn’t in the picker, it’s in the picking.
In this book, I lend my expertise as the datee, not the dater. I’m the man who knows men, and how you can net the one you want (for the time being). True, we men are slightly different, so you need to approach your prey appropriately.

Don’t go hunting birds with hammers.
Let’s say you’d like to date a married man whom, I assume, you’re not married to. That’s quite an evil desire, according to some. I’m not here to judge. Perhaps you want to bed a man who desperately needs something new, and who will leave you alone thereafter. Fine. Well, you need to approach this fellow a certain way. (It’s in here.)

Learn how to net Mr. Right.
After reading this book you will know how to approach all types of men, including:

I don’t know if this just comes with age or what, but I’m less patient with my relationships, when I should probably be more patient. The first sign of any drama, no matter how sexually starved I happen to be, and I lose her number. Perhaps this makes me unpopular with the ladies. Maybe I’m getting a reputation.

Meh

What I am hoping is that by reading my take on the whole mating game, you’ll have a better appreciation for whatever predicament you’re in, be that anything between marital bliss and been lovin’ your fist.

Karma Kicked Me

Sure, I’m bitter sometimes. Aren’t you? How many times do you let karma kick you before you become jaded like me, and begin to expect it? So, you’re pissed. He dumps you for a skank-hole. Go ahead and be hurt—that’s natural. It’s an ego slap. As you get older, you’ll begin to take these more in stride. Sure, you’ll complain about it to a friend, relative, or co-worker, but you’ll get over it.

Look at this book as my way of getting over it. A collection of irreverent, sarcastic, vulgar, crude, whatever-you-call-it essays containing my odd perception of life, which might actually lower my blood pressure by writing, and generate a giggle or two for the reader.

WARNING: F-Word Used Over 160 Times

Before we go any further, let me warn you that I love to cuss. F-ing love it. You’re going to read plenty of bad words, so reading aloud is strongly discouraged, unless you’re in church.

Also, since I have taken certain liberties with our language, and I am a bit whiny and insensitive, I’ve decided to enhance this tome with—drum roll, please—recipes!

Yay, Recipes!

Cheers, my dears.

Purchase this book now at Amazon for your Kindle, just $3.99, or paperback $8.99.

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Nice Guy Syndrome is an affliction where a heterosexual male is frustrated because he finds himself caged within the friend zone of women he’d prefer to be dating. Often, he is a kind and sympathetic person who listens well, and lends a shoulder for women to cry on. He’s loved and admired, but not the type of fellow women sleep with.

If there is a hell, this is it, and I’m in the penthouse.

I was raised to be a nice guy. My relatives and teachers instilled in me the importance of:

Treating women gently

Protecting and providing for women

Listening to women without judging

Understanding what it is women want, even when they don’t say the words

Opening and holding doors for women

Handling certain tasks for women

Writing love notes to women

Complimenting women

I’m a master of the above and, thereby, block my own access to the physical parts of women I long for.

So, what’s a nice guy to do? Should I shed my skin, get a Harley and tattoos, lose all concern for how I’m perceived, and begin banging lonely chicks by the dozen, just to please my pecker? I can’t do it. All I can do is vent, and hope someday, some woman will realize she deserves something better than bad boy bruises.

Read this book and laugh with (not at) me.

Seriously. I’m fragile. Be nice, dammit! I promise a giggle or two from me to you.

Purchase this book now at Amazon for your Kindle, just $3.99, or paperback $10.99.

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I’m at a New Year’s party with a bunch of friends, most married. Midnight is approaching, and I’m holding the tallest Bombay Sapphire and tonic I can find, because I haven’t found Miss Next. A married friend remarks.

“Dude, who are you going to kiss at midnight?”
“No idea.”
“Why don’t you mingle and find someone?”
“Maybe I don’t see anyone I’d like to kiss.”
“Hey, beggars can’t be choosers.”
“Neither can married men.”
“But …”
“Careful, lad. You don’t want to confess infidelity to a writer.”
“I’m not. I’m just saying, if I wanted to kiss another woman, I could.”
“Right, and you might be caught and forced to pay the consequences, which would be more significant than mine.”
“So, you like being alone because it’s safer.”
“Single. I like being single, because it offers nearly limitless opportunities.”
“What about the sex?”
“Really? You want to go there? How long have you been married?”
“Never mind. Enjoy your drink, nice guy.”

I am nice—to a fault. Then, after being poked enough times, I stray into naughty land. Although I know it’s what many women prefer, I can’t seem to transform myself into a bad boy.

I witness bad boys treating women badly. Often, these women complain to me about it. Then, I watch them walk away from me, and swoon back into the beast’s arms.

Insanity, if you ask me.

This is what makes me fall from niceness. Women constantly saying they want one thing, while selecting the other. Women don’t want to fuck nice guys. Women want bad boys to fuck them. There’s only one way to describe it:

Nice Guy FAIL.

Purchase this book now at Amazon for your Kindle, just $3.99, or paperback $9.99.

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$3.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)Have a Nice Guy
(September 2012) You don’t want a bad boy, my dear; at least not in the real world. You can fantasize all you like about a scruffy, Harley-driving, tattooed beast who does things you thought you’d never allow. But, you don’t want to meet him, because eventually he’s going to shit all over you, emotionally.

You need a nice guy.

Forget that nonsense about how anything worthwhile is worth working hard for. If you wanted to buy a horse you could ride around the neighborhood, you would never opt for a wild bronco that would scream, thrash, and resist every attempt you made to civilize him. You’d go for the broken stud, and avoid a broken neck.

That’s why I suggest you recalibrate your penis-homing device. If you’re in a bar, and you spot a tanned God in a vintage T-shirt and sandals who winks and slaps your ass as he walks by, run away. Run toward that kind fellow over there–the one who has been down the aisle a few times, and learned how to behave.

Have a nice guy!

Purchase this book now at Amazon for your Kindle, just $3.99, or paperback $9.99.

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$2.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks
(May 2012) When old fart blogger Mormon Silver goes to interview young entrepreneur Bea Plastique, he encounters a woman who is stunning, smart, and scary. The unsophisticated, horny Silver is startled to realize he wants this woman (from behind, mostly) and, despite her mysterious love of ice hockey, finds he is desperate to get close to her (and honk her boobies). Unable to resist Silver’s oral skills, silver chin fur, and argyle socks, Plastique admits she wants him, too–but on her own terms.

Stunned yet delighted by Plastique’s kinkiness, Silver hesitates. For all of her success–her multinational assortment of lubricants, her gay assistant, her condo on a high floor (I mean, really high–you’re almost above the clouds, for Christ’s sake)–Plastique is a woman haunted by her past and consumed by the need to have hockey-related sex. When the couple embarks on a bold, twisted physical affair, Mormon discovers Bea Plastique’s secrets (including a naughty uncle) and explores his own icky, sticky desires.

Silly, sexy, and deeply disturbing, Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks is a tale that will make you horny, tickle you, and give you some great ideas to try on an unsuspecting lover.

Purchase this book now at Amazon for your Kindle, just $2.99, or paperback $5.99.

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$2.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)Fifty Shades Shadier
(June 2012) Frightened by the wacky desires and twisted history of the gorgeous, boob-a-licious, young mogul, Bea Plastique, Mormon Silver has ignored all warning signs, and asked for her hand in marriage.

Desire for Bea’s butt still dominates his dreams, and when she proposes a route there, Mormon cannot resist. They continue their sweltering sexcapades, and Mormon learns more about the disturbing past of his hungry, obsessed, and insatiable lover.

While Bea wrestles with her sex toys, Mormon must deal with the fury and cock-blockage of her Grandmother, who came before her (of course), and make the second most important decision of his life–whether or not to reveal that he has had a vasectomy.

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$2.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)Fifty Shades Effed
(July 2012) When silver-chinned blogger, Mormon Silver, first met the horny and hungry young entrepreneur, Beatrice Plastique, it ignited a boff-fest that left mattress stains and sore hineys. Frightened, curious, and still hardened by Bea’s twisted erotic tastes, Mormon struggles to keep up. Determined to match her raging sexual desire, he turns to ED medicine and adult toys.

Now, Bea and Mormon have it all: syrup, toe-curling orgasms, and a world of freaky kinkery ahead. But, Mormon knows that peeling her away from her evil grandmother and douchie ex, Chris, will pose challenges he could never expect. Mormon must somehow learn to participate in Bea’s fetishes without serious injury. And, Bea must overcome her desire to hip-check Mormon into the third row of an skating rink and screw him senseless.

Just when it seems all is well, their murmuring together will cause bystanders to point and say ew, banks will threaten foreclosure, and a single blog post will determine their fate.

Purchase this book now at Amazon for your Kindle, just $2.99, or paperback $5.99.

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$3.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)Nice Knowing You
(February 2012) Are you single? Divorced or widowed, perhaps? Are you having your second, third, or fourth go at soul mate searching? Me too! Do you look around at paired-up peeps and wonder why you haven’t been picked yet? Or, as I have learned, do you acknowledge the happy couple and snicker silently because you know where they’re heading?

In the eight years since my divorce, I’ve gone on hundreds of dates. Now, I could consider that a problem, which I should have taken responsibility for after failure, say, number twenty. On the other hand, I can see it as a natural process for someone with such discerning tastes. Either way, if I don’t vent about my struggle I’m going to cramp up and need a new jacket and rubber walls.

So, come with me on my little journey here in my sixth book on the subject. (There’s no end in sight.) I must warn you that I enjoy swearing and writing about sex. You’re going to see the F-word quite a few times in the following pages. If that ultra-flexible word is going to leave a bruise, put the fucking book down now. If it tickles you, follow me into hell in a wine bottle.

Purchase this book now on Amazon’s Kindle for just $3.99, or paperback $10.99.

$3.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)What a Nice Guy
(September 2011) Do you know any nice guys? Perhaps you’re married to or good friends with one. Well, consider the possibility that this nice guy is so frustrated with his relationship failures that he needs to vent to keep from turning into a bad boy with anger issues. Then, try not to spit hot coffee as you read his sarcastic rants about why men and women don’t seem to fit.

Purchase this book now at Amazon for your Kindle for just $3.99, or paperback $11.99.

Get your Kindle copy signed with a personal message for free at Kindlegraph.

$3.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)Just a Nice Guy
(April 2011) Is it true that nice guys finish last? It sure seems that way as a divorced man fights his way through a comedic dating scene. Will he ever find his soul mate?

Phil has been called the male version of Carrie Bradshaw. Enjoy his humorous essays about relationships and the struggles we all have finding and keeping lovers. Women appreciate his open view into the minds of men.

Purchase this book now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Google eBooks. Also available on the Kindle, Nook, and in Apple’s iBooks Store from $3.99, or paperback $12.99.

$0.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)The 10/60 Diet: How to lose 10% of your body weight in 60 days.
(May 2011) With all of the diet books on the market today, where is a person to turn? Pages upon pages of fluff with doctored before and after pictures; indiscernible scientific mumbo-jumbo; diet and exercise regimens that are impossible to follow and maintain.

What if someone trimmed the fat from diet book and provided a simple plan to lose ten percent of your body weight within sixty days?

Here it is. It costs under $1, it’s under twenty pages, and it’s all you need to find your beautiful new body, which has been hiding within you all along.

The author used this diet to go from 194 pounds to 172 pounds between January 28, 2011 and March 28, 2011. How many authors can show results from the diets they recommend?

Invest $0.99 and a few minutes of your time learning how easy it is to shed the extra pounds you have been carrying. You have nothing to lose, but weight.

(Preview it here.)Nice Meeting You
(October 2010) A divorced man continues his hilarious search for true love as he struggles to learn what women really want.

Purchase this book now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Google eBooks. Also available on the Kindle, Nook, and in Apple’s iBooks Store from just $3.99, or paperback $11.99.

$3.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)Still a Nice Guy
(April 2010) Dating is a humorous struggle for a recently divorced man who has no clue what women want.

Purchase this book now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Google eBooks. Also available on the Kindle, Nook, and in Apple’s iBooks Store from just $3.99, or paperback $11.99.

$3.99 on Kindle

(Preview it here.)Such a Nice Guy
(October 2009) Strip an East Coast man in his forties of his marital obligations, transplant him into San Diego, and something funny happens. Enjoy humorous anecdotes about relationships, love, sex, and lifestyles.

Purchase this book now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Google eBooks. Also available on the Kindle, Nook, and in Apple’s iBooks Store from just $3.99, or paperback $9.99.