Suspicion, probable cause, beyond a reasonable doubt

At the latest meeting of the Montgomery County Police's citizen's academy, Captain Tina Faass wrapped all 90 hours of a regular recruit's training in criminal law into the space of two and a half hours. Problem is I've now got to condense that into a short column. Here it goes.

Suppose Capt. Faass is cruising around when police broadcast a call for a bank robbery. Minutes later, she sees me get out of my car five blocks away from the scene in clothes matching those worn by the suspect.

With this alone, she can stop me and pat me down for weapons based on "Reasonable Suspicion." My appearance and close proximity to the scene indicate that I may have been involved.

Having found no weapons, Faass is still getting warnings from my shifty eyes and unkempt facial hair. Luckily for her, another officer has picked up a witness from the bank and drives him over to check me out, keeping the witness hidden from my view in the cruiser.

"That's him! He emptied the whole vault!" the witness shouts. "He also misquoted me in a story!"

Jackpot! Faass has just reached the next level of proof on the way to my imminent incarceration: Probable Cause. My boss also has all the evidence he needs to fire my misquoting behind.

"Once I've had a witness come and identify him, then we have probable cause to search and arrest him," Faass told the class.

I'm arrested, fingerprinted, photographed and formally interrogated by a detective after being informed of my Miranda rights.

After a judge sets my bond and a trial date, the State's Attorney and police still have to reach one final level of proof in order to convict me, according to Faass:

"We have to have proof beyond a reasonable doubt," she said.

Unfortunately (for me) most banks have security cameras, and, not being John Dillinger, I forgot my ski mask on the way to the bank.

The prosecutors now have all they need to put me away: my ugly mug on tape. And my attorney's got one hell of a task ahead of him to get me out in time for next week's class on major crimes.