Knowhere

Wow! My memory is just gone, faded, fragmented into a billion tiny pieces. It’s just, why can I not focus? Why can I not remember?

All the pain and sorrow which would occasionally come round and hunt me while I would enjoy and delve right into them and even spend a few good days in their company, moaning with all the woes but eventually feeling as if it had all been a visit to an old friend…

As well as all the good memories, all those amazing, splendid moments which bring a smile to my face and leave a sweet, joyous aftertaste in my mouth even long after re-living them…

All this is gone; all is wasted. Life has come and passed through me; as if I were a spirit; as if I had always been but a single opaque being lost in the mist. And now I’m just here, in the present; without having realized what got me here and where I’m headed. This can’t be “living in the present”; now can it? Wasn’t it supposed to be anything but this?

Where have my memories flown? My good old conscience… Where have my old days gone by? And where are my possibly-left hours directing? Why is it that I’ve lost that certain self-centeredness? Why, now only questions, perhaps even a humongous question mark has become the center of my universe?

Even faces, I can’t recall. I simply can’t close my eyes, like the old times and see them anymore. This is beyond me! Am I trying too hard? pushing this too hard?

But no, it’s just not there any longer, my memories.

There’s only a certain hint of loss; this sudden strike of madness and an everlasting confusion that fights through when least expected or in this case when forgotten.

A listless child who only wants to nag for the sake of nagging itself, an old enemy full of hatred, a cancerous tumor that has no cure; one which is going bad. An angle turned into an evil demon that knows only of hatred, anger and cruelty.

How the devil strikes and brings darkness!

And I guess I’m forgetting how it all started and how it all got here. Where? How does it feel? What are we talking of? Was I complaining or just saying things?

Oh, I have no idea. The last thing I remember is…

Not remembering anything.

Maybe if I try really hard, I’d only remember that somewhere along the way I started to forget and then I don’t remember much. Nothing in, fact. I…