Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I never realized how different I've become until I was thrust out into being "single" again.

I used to be the girl that got SO caught up in my relationships. If I was seeing someone they were my ENTIRE world. This resulted in being doing poorly in school, having poor relationships with my family, sometimes hurting friendships. When things were good in whatever relationship I was in then I was on cloud 9. But when things were bad I let everything slide. I was inconsolable and it took me FOREVER to get over someone.

Case in point, the ex before my ex-husband. He and I only dated officially for 4 months. But we were on and off for two years after that. I know a lot of that was because I couldn't let him go. The idea of him being with someone else felt like a knife through my heart. But he was so bad for me. Things were only ever on his time. I was always hidden. And that really screwed me up.

I'm not saying that my breakup with Dustin hasn't been hard. Sometimes I find myself thinking about the future I thought we had and I get sad. When I came home and all his things were moved out I cried. But each time I reminded myself that it was the right thing to do, that our relationship wasn't healthy and that I deserve so much more. I haven't once skipped out on plans, I haven't cried myself to sleep, I haven't fallen apart.

I don't know where this new strength comes from, if it's simply that I'm older and wiser or if I've just changed my outlook on relationships and breakups.

I do know that whatever happens in the future, I'm not going to make anyone my everything. Have a boyfriend or husband can be a wonderful thing but I don't want anyone to be my entire reason for living. I want to be with someone because they make me happy but I want to still recognize that other things make me happy too. And if there are bumps in the road I don't want those bumps to totally steer me off course.

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wonderful thoughts:

The strength is a good thing. I think it could be a combination of your growing up, your previous experience and the decision to just not drown under relationship drama. I'm proud of you and I love you, doll.

way to grow up! Nothing in life is easy, we all go through hard times, but once you figure out how to get through those times, life becomes a little more enjoyable. Don't let anyone or anything get you down - you're too beautiful (inside and out) to be sad or down.

"I do know that whatever happens in the future, I'm not going to make anyone my everything." That is simply not healthy. I adore my husband, we are incredibly happy together, but we are also very happy individuals who were happy and did not feel incomplete previous to having met each other. I would say that yes, you have gained this knowledge through your experiences, and it sounds to me like you learned a very valuable lesson.

OHHHH I've DEFINITELY made that mistake before. Even in my current marriage I've done that. But I too have grown and realized that you need a life outside of that person. You NEED it. Friends and family and romance are all pieces of a pie... each piece is essential. It's easy to get wrapped up in a person you love but they cannot be your entire world. It's a self destructing that of thing that eventually turns unhealthy. But that's what life is about.. living and learning. cheers to us for finally LEARNING!!

I used to be the same exact way. My friends and family would get put on the backburner and I would often not want to bring the bf around anyone- so odd. I knew that my husband was the "one" when he didn't make me choose nor did I want to bc I wanted him to be around everyone. Be happy with yourself first! New follower!

I have always been horrible at saying goodbye, so I understand what you are saying. I always took breakups really hard, too, and I had a difficult time letting go. It's something that we all struggle with at some point in our lives.

I feel like I'm handling this break-up much better than I did the last one. It's super stressful living with my ex right now, but I have all sorts of things to look forward to once this part is over. Practice makes perfect? :P

Beautiful post, and you have such a great new outlook. It's true, finding a healthy balance in a relationship takes time and can be very difficult. Thankfully I found someone that I love to pieces, but we enjoy having separate interests/friends/lives outside of each other as well. It makes things more interesting (more to talk about) and keeps things healthy :) I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, but it sounds like you are very wise and independent... you will find someone that makes you happy (together and apart) :)

I'm very independent now even within my relationship with Michael. You need a good balance of yourself alone and you and your partner together. When I was a lot younger, I was also like you. I lived for my boyfriend. I was told I didn't have any hobbies, which I didn't so I didn't occupy my time with anything else but my BF. It hurt to hear at the time but it has stuck with me and I ALWAYS make sure I have hobbies in my life, which some are now lifetime hobbies.

This is so wise, and such an important post for me to read right now, too. In general, I haven't been the type of girl who gets totally swallowed in relationships, but I feel like I've been doing that a little lately with my boyfriend. I've definitely been spending less time with my friends and have neglected other things that used to be important to me. I love spending time with him, but it's hard to find the balance, I think.

I have been the opposite in my life where I haven't put myself out there like I should have because of things my father has said/done to me. (But that's a whole 'nother blog post!) I think it's great you're acknowledging this side of you and learning from it. I know way too many women who are so afraid of being alone, they jump from relationship to relationship, not realizing that sometimes? Being single is the place in life you need to be right then.

I can't imagine how difficult the break-up of your marriage has been, but I applaud your inner strength. It's very inspiring.

You've developed such a great outlook. My bestest friend once said to me, don't work your life around him, work him into your life. Thank goodness for wise friends. I've kept that in mind ever since :)Your courage is so admirable <3

This is such an amazing post, and an incredible show of strength. I think growing up does help ease the pain of ending a relationship, but I think ending one because you know it's not right gives you hope for the future, and for a love that's strong and good for both of you.

Being in a relationship means everything, but doesn't have to BE everything. You're learning what you need to maintain your sense of Self in a relationship now because you've had some tough experiences. Thanks for sharing your insight!!

I feel like you have such a healthy outlook, and you're so right about the importance of finding a balance in a relationship. If it's all about the other person, you lose yourself, and you will never be happy. These are great words of wisdom, Krysten!

I think a lot of women do this. Especially at the very beginning of the relationship. I know I did. Started shutting out everyone close t me, giving my full attention to my bf and it really affected my family and close friends. Its hard finding that balance in the beginning but it is essential, I think. I hope next time around, you'll be able to do that too and stay on course like you'd like. :) Emily at Amazing Grapes

i can relate to this. i met my ex fiance two months before he asked me to marry him and at the time i was 25 years old and i felt it was the 'right thing to do'. Coming from a small town where almost everyone gets married in their early twenties it felt more like peer pressure. obviously it didn't work out and in a year and a half we went on our own ways. Saying that it didn't stop me from moving to England to be with someone who I only met when he was on a 4 day holiday in my home country. Three months later i went to visit him and he asked me to be with him. We have been together for 3 and a half years now and I am loving every minute of it. And like you it would take me FOREVER to get over someone but with this guy it feels like I have never been with anyone else BUT him. Weird but it feels great. It might be cos I met the right person or maybe I have grown and found the strength as well. Don't worry you will find someone who deserves you one day, it takes time but when the time does come you will never look back. Trust me :) xx

We were a LOT alike. I say "were" because we aren't caught up in our relationships 100% anymore. Well, I'm married... so I guess I devote 100% of myself to him, but it's not as desperate or ... perhaps slightly crazy as it was when I was dating. I think it's a natural thing for women to get attached. I don't know you, but I really admire you for not falling apart! I can't imagine going through a divorce, but I can imagine the terrible TERRIBLE break ups I went through in my life, and I'm sure if I multiply it by 10 I would understand how you feel. So Kudos to you! Life's happiness does not completely rely on a man! It also comes from sunny days, beaches, a cozy fire, family, a child's laugh, and other cheesy things that are cheesy because they ARE happy. :) Thanks for your comment on my blog! Your blog is adorable!

I, like many of the ladies who have commented before me, used to put my relationship above all...especially above myself. And, each bump in the road took so much space in my brain that there was hardly room for anything else. I don't ever want to waste my brain space like that again! ;)I think age does make us wiser, along with experience. I know it's tough sometimes, but I'm glad you're doing so well, and growing so much. xox

p.s. Although your new domain has been on my "blog love" page as a link as soon as you changed it, I just realized it wasn't showing in my reader. I had to re-follow. Why I didn't figure this out before, I have no idea! :)

That used to be me exactly! I couldn't get over a guy until I'd found someone else, and I felt like if I didn't have a bf something was wrong with me. I really wish I'd just ENJOYED MYSELF instead of crying over boys I'd never think about after high school haha

Glad to hear you're doing well and that you're no longer in an unhealthy relationship!

good girl, i'm proud of the progress you've made. i've never been one to make everything about my boyfriend, yet again i've only had three serious boyfriends. (i don't count cute guy as too serious yet) but i've always said i'm most happy when i have good friends in my life and i stay busy. i never have felt i need a guy in my life to validate how important or fantastic i am. i hope you keep up this attitude!! love you