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Sunday, March 23, 2014

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This blog is in response to – or, more accurately, in
support of – Beverly Beckham’s article in today’s Boston Globe, entitled, “A crude, but wildly popular shot at kids.” Her article, in turn, is in response to – and most definitely NOT in support of
– a book called “I Heart My Little A-Holes.” Despite the wild popularity of the
book, Ms. Beckham and I are, in Ms. Beckham’s words, “dumbfounded” by the
author’s attitude. I would even go so far as to say that I am “appalled.” In my
husband’s words, “It’s just so ugly.”

I have not read the book (or the corresponding blog), but
between the title and the synopsis, I am stunned by the lack of respect this
woman shows for her own children. Not her adult children, her children. Her young children, whom she is responsible for bringing up to be
responsible, respectful adults.

One of my complaints about many young people today is their
lack of respect. Their lack of respect for their parents, their teachers, their
neighbors, their employers. But if the attitude of this author is typical of
parents, it comes as no surprise that some young people have no respect. If
they are not respected, why should they offer respect?

When my husband and I got engaged, we talked a lot about
what our relationship would need to survive. We admitted that we would sometimes
get angry with each other, that we would sometimes even dislike each other. But
we agreed that we would always love each other, and that we would always treat
each other with respect. I don’t know how any relationship can survive without mutual
respect, be it husband-wife, parent-child, or friends. Respect is crucial in allowing
communication, understanding, cooperation, and compromise. Without respect,
none of those four things can happen, and without those four things, no healthy
relationship can survive.

So I treat my husband with respect. Even when I really want
to wring his neck – and there are times when I do. Because there are also
plenty of times when he wants to wring mine, and I appreciate that he still
treats me with respect at those times. That respect is what allows us each to
step back, take a breath, recall that we love each other, and open ourselves to
working together to fix the problem.

I consider it critically important that we model that
respect to our children. Respect for each other, and respect for them. I demand
respect from my children, but I also offer it in return. I do not allow my
children to call me (or each other) names, and I never call them names, except
in clearly understood jest. My son loves it when I call him a goof, because it
is plainly said in love and affection. But I cannot possibly conceive of
calling my child an “a-hole” under any circumstances. That is not jesting, it
is downright disrespectful. And where there is disrespect, how can there be
love?

Children learn what they see and what they are surrounded by
as much as, and often more than, what they are taught. A child who is treated
with disrespect, who is called names or treated as a burden by his parents,
will learn to treat others with disrespect and to consider the needs of others
as a burden that takes away from his own needs and his own comfort, regardless
of the words he hears telling him to respect and care for others. Perhaps if
parents treated their children with respect from the time that they were tiny
infants unable to earn it for themselves, they would grow up continually
earning it, and striving to earn it, and would never be deserving of
disrespectful titles such as “a-hole.” After all, if you call your child an
a-hole and treat him like an a-hole, don’t be surprised when that’s exactly what
he turns out to be.