~Monday, November 16, 2009

Hour 2 into Braveheart, which also coincided with hour 4 in the morning, I was ready for bed. Chrstopher paused the movie long enough to turn down his bed for me and I collided into the pillows. He turned the bedroom TV on for me even though I told him I was too tired to need it. He then kissed me goodnight, turned out the lights and closed the door.

Hour 6 in the morning, I awoke to a lit bedroom. Christopher was standing at the base of the bed. "Where's the TV remote? I can't find it."

"Just press the button on the TV. We'll find it tomorrow," I mumbled.

"No, help me find it now."

I sighed and pushed back the covers. And then I did what I always do when I lose a remote in bed. I laid on my stomach and dangled my head under the bed.

I didn't see the remote. What I did see, however, was a pair of women's stockings. I reached under and grabbed them. Silk. Nice. I've never owned a pair of silk stockings in my life.

"You forgot these," I said flatly as I flung them at Christopher.

He spread them out across the bed. "Ooohhh," he whispered.

I abandoned the remote search and flopped back under the covers annoyed. Heavily annoyed.

"These are old," he started.

"Mrmph." I know. I know they are old and I know he isn't cheating. I know all of this.

"I know who this belongs to. I haven't seen her since November of 2007."

"Hmph." I know all of this because this isn't the first time I've found another woman's calling card stuck somewhere in the bed area.

In college, it was in Poet's bed that I removed an entire green tank top that was stuck between the wall and the bed while I was making it. It belonged to a neighbor that he used to sleep with and was now close friends.

After college, it was black panties. Black panties always look skanky when they aren't yours.

I was cool the first two times. Understanding like a supergirlfriend. This time I was not. I inquired as to why he hasn't cleaned under his bed in two years, and then told him I didn't think he was being very empathetic. He told me he didn't do anything wrong. He slept with a girl two years before me; I couldn't possibly be upset. I ignored him while he apologetically spooned me.

For me, it was more than the silk stockings. It was the bubble bursting. Right or not, I held him to a higher standard. Christopher was now like all the other boyfriends who inexplicably don't clean around their beds. He's capable of hurting me. He's capable of leaving me.

Oof! It's like a punch in the gut. For me, it was noticing that the condoms were dwindling from my boyfriends drawer even though we'd since stopped using them. THAT was comforting. I'm so sorry this occurrence took the wind out of your sails. Dawn is right, though. We all have a past. I choose to not know details about my husband's past because it would ALL make me ill, even though I know that I, too, have a past that he wasn't a part of. The thing that makes it easier for me is to remind myself that the past is what made him who he is, what brought him to me. All the silk stockings and black lacy underwear that he witnessed that didn't belong to me were clearly not enough to keep him there, fondling those things from his past that belonged to others. The same is true for Christopher. Vacuum that dust up, tear up the silk stocking and burn them in the trash, and then force yourself to take a renewed view to the future...leave that past behind. It's where it belongs -- right beside the charred silk. ((hugs))

I LOVE your blog. Seriously. And it must have really sucked to find those stockings but I love that you looked at the positive side: he isn't cheating, and you have a past too.You two will laugh about this someday soon :-)

First thought - they make silk stockings? Huh. Why on earth would anyone want to wear stockings period, regardless of the fabrication?

Second thought - um, not buying it. Sorry. I don't want to be THAT person but from the outside looking in, based on the limited information a reader sees/hears, not cleaning your room for two years just doesn't sit with me.

Be true to yourself but don't apologize for questioning and, more importantly, for putting yourself first.

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Harvey: Super beautiful, super funny, super fabulous girlfriend from college and de facto leader of group of friends.Lawyered: Jewish guyfriend from kickball. His new wife is converting.Mel: Oldest friend in the world. Known each other since 13. This enables her to take the tough love response.Swayze: Sports fan and 80's music nut. Former feminine delinquent, he has since turned a pro dater on Match.com--Katie: Longtime girlfriend who was in a relationship with Schmoozer. Now living with boyfriend.Schmoozer: Extrovert male friend with a stubborn streak.Jenna: Katie's sister. In a relationship with Government Mule.Government Mule: Male friend who's sarcastic, but extremely generous.