Monday, June 5, 2006

Taking care of me...

This is really one of the hardest parts of being a stay at home mom for me. Taking care of myself. Accepting that sometimes I need help. Asking for that help. Actually accepting that help when the time comes. I don't even like to hand the reins to my husband, the father of the very children I need help with. I have a follow-up appointment for my gallbladder surgery on Friday. I have to ask someone to watch the kids for an hour. It's killing me. And it's not like I don't have a wealth of takers - I have a huge family that is always offering to help. But they don't offer it when I need it (which is not their fault for not being psychic, it's mine for not knowing how or being able to ask for help or accept their offers when they come). And if it wasn't for the fact that I can't avoid this appointment, I'd probably just ignore it.

Last week, the two older kids had dentist appointments. I needed help because they both panic while with the dentist. I can only handle one panicking child at a time. So I needed (wanted, really) someone to take care of the remaining two while I was with the panicked one. None of my regulars (my grandparents, my brother and his girlfriend) were able to help. My mom's sister came because she works just down the road. But I feel horrible about this. I hate that I had to have someone else there. And I suppose I could have done it alone, but it would have been difficult. Very difficult.

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but we're talking about whether or not we want to have a fourth child. This is one of the things that's making me lean to the no side. If I can't handle my kids that I have now, do I have any business having another? Not even going into the space issues, financial issues, world overpopulation, etc. This is really weighing on me. I know I don't need to decide today. We wouldn't even try to conceive until December at the earliest, so really no pressure to figure it all out now. But any time I doubt myself as a mother, I think there's no way we can bring a fourth child into this mix. And yet...I can't close off that possibility.