Dream Date

by jen on February 9, 2012

I haven’t watched The Bachelor in years, but so many people have been talking about this season, I started watching (only up to Episode 4, though; I’m catching up online). And people, I don’t remember being so completely horrified by the types of dates these women go on. Skiing down an SF hill in my swimsuit? HELL, NO. Were they always this bad?

Actually, my worst scenario would be the “first impression rose” girl’s date in Episode 3 — just my date and me, clad in clothes of mismatched levels of formality, alone on a dance floor, being privately serenaded by a musical artist with which I am not familiar.

Two minutes, tops, before I go fetal.

First, where do you even look? Do you focus your ocular attentions on the singer in order to express your “I love to live in the moment and breathe in life’s bounty” persona/admiration for your date’s great musical taste? But there are no other people in the room, so you and the singer will just be staring at one another like buffoons, each wishing desperately that this song, hell, every song, was like 2 minutes shorter. You can’t stare into the eyes of the Bachelor all night because, well, that’s creepy. But the only other people to look at are camera crew who are also watching you! WHERE DO YOU LOOK?

Second, I don’t do romance very well. If a dude says something romantic to me, generally the best he can hope for is a kiss. So he’ll shut up. OK, maybe I am exaggerating somewhat, but really, we have to have been dating a long time for me to stop asking my date if I’m having a weird hair issue I don’t know about if he pushes my bangs aside.

No, I have no idea why I am still single, why?

Seriously, though, these women are crazy, right? Like, if you were on a pier with a guy you’d known for 2 weeks, most of which you spent locked in a house with 14 other women of varying levels of intelligence, kindness and body enhancements, and he was pretty cute but he had also kissed several other women that week IN FRONT OF YOUR VERY EYES, could you be all romantic with him?

Because holy jeebus, if these women are even approaching normal, I am so screwed.

Hm.

In writing this I think I have remembered why I stopped watching The Bachelor the last time. I think I will go back to watching BBC mystery series from the 1980s and 90s that do not make me second guess what women are supposed to be like.

Well, right after Collagen Courtney gets kicked off (she does get kicked off, right? right?).