Actually, you're both right. Most of today's pediatric doctors recommend that mothers nickname their sons' penises in order to build self esteem and a strong sense of personal identity. In fact, a recent study shows that most spree killers and cannibals grow up without an MPM (maternal penis moniker) , which can lead to a strong desire to make a belt out of someone's nipples. It sounds like your mother really cares about you. Get her something nice for her birthday.

Recently, I heard my older brother tell a joke that went like this -
"What's
long, hard and full of seamen? --A submarine!!" He then laughed really
hard. I'm not sure this is a sex question, it might be more naval in
nature,
or even a question of drug abuse. My question is this - what the heck
was my
brother laughing at? Is he high?

Sincerely,

Timmy Alvando-Sayez, Jr

Dear Timmy Bleep Blop Menudo Jr.

Your brother is in the Navy. That can mean only two things: that he is both high and gay. I recommend you get him into a good gay/addict rehab progam. "Pathways," here in NY is excellent They combine an all natural detox program for drug abuse with a giant wall of electrified wieners to cure homosexuality. Not only will your brother queer it down a notch, but he will be drug free as well!

My girlfriend is a whore. I've tried to talk her out of her unbridled whorishness,but she won't listen to God's honest reason.

I've have beaten her with our family's bible repeatedly, but she always seems to escape her bonds. Then she shows up three weeks later, hungry and knocked up. My pastor says this is normal. What is your heathen opinion?

signed,

Christopher Smacko.

Dear Christopher,

What translation are you using? The King James is rife with innacuracies, and is of little use against whores. Also, I recommend selling the child to gypsies. Make sure you get full list price, however. They may try to "Gypsy you down" if you know what I mean. As far as the normalcy of your relationship goes, whose to say? Establish a safety word for you and your girlfriend when you play these games, and always remember to both wear a condom! Remember, safe, unsatisfying sex is everyone's responsibility!

I couldn't really understand your letter. First, why was it written like a telegraph? Secondly, what is stigmata? Go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry if that seems cruel. I've had a bad week, My penis is bleeding constantly and it only seems to stop when I'm watching the PAX network.

My girlfriend lives in Florida. All my friends say that I don't actually have a girlfriend and I am gay, but I swear she is real.
Whenever I go to visit, they say I'm going on a gay retreat, but actually I am going to visit my girlfriend.
Why can't I grow a mustache? Does that make me gay?

signed,

Brett Gaylord

Dear Brett.

Puberty is not a race. A mustache does not determine whether or not you are gay. Although having one does make you look determined to be gay. Also, in a way puberty is definitely a race, and the first one there gets to have sex. For you, that will be with a gay.

Kurt Metzger is a former college student who enjoys talking about sex with young people. He travels to schools all over the country, where he tirelessly fields the many questions "youngsters" have about "sex" until he is told to "move along" by "security." If you would like to email him a question or send comments, he can be reached at dangermint@yahoo.com.