Sunday, June 29, 2014

August Krier

About a month and a half ago I lost my baby brother in a car accident. He was 20 years old. No one else was responsible, he wasn't murdered, the car was not unsafe, the road conditions might have contributed, but ultimately he was just driving too fast.

This has been probably the most painful thing to occur in my life. There is a gaping hole in my heart where my brother was. He was 13 years younger than me, but we were extremely close. I love and miss my brother terribly.

I helped take care of my brother when he was a baby. When I look at my 12 week old daughter it can sometimes be hard not to see my brother.

Every time I read about someone dying I think about my brother. Every time I read about a baby dying I think about my brother and my daughter simultaneously. The death of my brother fills me with fear that something might happen to my daughter.

Two days ago I went to the theater to watch the movie Edge of Tomorrow. It's a very good movie, I strongly recommend it. But there is a lot of death in the movie. One of the major action set pieces in the movie is an amphibious assault on a beach, and watching the scene I could not help but think of every one of those young soldiers as someone's brother or sister. Watching people die when you have lost someone recently is not fun.

The scene is also reminiscent of the D-Day invasion. It just so happened that my brother's funeral coincided with the 70th Anniversary of the D-Day Invasion. As I was sitting in my hotel room in DC on the weekend of my brother's memorial the television was full of young men dying.

My brother was not a soldier, but he was a young man. It is hard for me to separate these things sometimes.

Before the movie on Friday there were trailers. It just so happens that the trailers were all for movies coming out in August.

My brother's name was August.

Every trailer felt like a reminder. My brother's name five feet long and luminous.

My brother was handsome and charming. I always thought that he would be someone well known. I thought he would be a politician. He had his troubles, but he was growing as a man. He had a longing for justice and fairness. And he had a disarmingly infectious smile. I always thought he was going places.

Now he is gone. It's nobody's fault, it's just a thing. But it dominates my thoughts these days. When I write or read he is always in my thoughts.

If it seems that my blog seems to be focused on more negative topics right now, it is not your imagination. I do not want my blog to be all about death and negativity, but it is on my mind.

I know that this will not be true forever. Since he was born I have thought about my brother numerous times daily. Right now my thoughts of my brother are all too often thoughts of death, but eventually I will not be thinking of my loss every time I think of my brother. But for now...

In any case, please bear with me. I will try to write happier posts, but I write about what is on my mind.

7 comments:

Losing someone is never easy to face and it is doubly difficult when the person is young. That's not the natural order of things, and the heart resists acceptance all the harder for it. I didn't know your brother, but I mourn with you all the same.

I can really relate to what you wrote. When my little sister died I felt the same. For all intents and purposes, she was my baby. I delivered her! I helped cut the cord. I raised her and fed her and sang to her and slept with her and loved her like she was my very own. Losing her was absolutely the most devastating thing I have ever been through. It, along with the rest of changes that happened in my life then, almost killed me. I was pregnant and super hormonal. I went into a severe depression and became suicidal. I started self medicating with alcohol and other things after I had my daughter Chantelle. That was the beginning of a downward spiral that lasted 8 yrs. I wish I could have done something differently, I just didn't have the support or the knowledge to do it. I guess where I am going with all of this is this - I know what it's like to lose a sibling. I know what it's like trying to care for an infant when you're grieving. I know what it's like and where it led me. I am here for you if you ever need a friend to.liaten and give suggestion. God bless.

Thank you for sharing this Jon. Reading this helps me personally. Sometimes that yuck feeling is hard to shake. Its crazy to see the connections that our minds create in defense. "Every time I read about someone dying I think about my brother. Every time I read about a baby dying I think about my brother and my daughter simultaneously. The death of my brother fills me with fear that something might happen to my daughter."Its like your head screaming "be aware death happens". you know you will get past this. it takes times. lots of time. August was very lucky to have such a loving caring brother in his short life. I love you Jon. Im sorry he is gone. in your time of mourning and reflection i hope you remember that a defensive mind is better than a defenseless one.

About Me

Welcome to my blog, or my blog presence, or whatever this profile exactly is. I am finally blogging after years of threatening to do so. I think that I will have a couple of blogs for various purposes... it is all very new and mysterious to me. Please bear with me as I figure out what I am doing.