“Ted’s always been a gun-toting conservative. But what gets me is that he was actually a draft dodger! I mean, to the point where he didn’t bathe for a week, and vomited on himself to deliberately avoid the draft. I totally understand why he did that, but all of these Republicans who love Ted don’t seem to know or remember that too well. It’s crazy that he’s become one of the voices of Conservative America even though he was a draft dodger. If you don’t believe me, Google it.”

Dave "Doctor" Gonzo is a renegade record producer, writer, reformed corporate shill, and still-registered lobbyist for non-one-percenter performing artists and musicians. He lives in a heavily fortified compound in one of Manhattan's less trendy neighborhoods.