{ Leo Grey. The birth story. }

I have been writing this story for a long, long time, before it even really begun. We
mothers always do, we write stories, especially ones like these. We let our minds race into the future and play out scenarios of
life events we are anticipating. I had so many versions of this
story ready, before it really begun, but when it finally did, it was nothing
like I imagined, cause it never is, life is wonderful or cruel that way, but at least it keeps
us surprised every time.

So the wait... I even wrote a post about the wait... the more I waited, the more impatient I was getting for this whole story to be written, I wanted it to finally
materialize into these words that I am writing now. It is a story that everyone
knows the ending of, but at the time I couldn’t really see it, or imagine it. Now, with the
perspective of time, knowing every detail of it, arriving at its glorious end
that set my life into the new beginning, I can tell it is a great story, a long one for sure but these stories, the ones that transform one's life forever usually are…

Knowing the end, I want to tell the story from the beginning, mostly so I
can remember it years from now. And maybe for Leo, who may be just crazy enough
to want to read it one day.... so onto the story, please read at your own
discretion.

After I had reached the 39th week, I
remember telling Cass that I would like the baby to have a cool birth date,
like Simon does, one easy to remember, like Simon's. So initially, I wanted him
to be born on 9/8 cause it descends, then I really wanted the 9/9 because it would be just the coolest like that, or 9/10 because it is
consecutive, yet for some reason I sort of felt like it would happen on 9/11… I guess this
way it can be remembered forever. Maybe it is not the happiest of dates, not
like Simon’s with fireworks and parties, but a date with meaning, a date that
is ready for its happy endings and new beginnings. Therefore, on the night of
the eleventh, when the new date just rolled onto the calendars, a few minutes
after midnight, I woke up with pains that were unlike any pain I ever felt. I
knew, I was in real labor this time even though with Simon I never really felt
it being induced. I welcomed them with excitement and curiosity.
It was exhilarating to explore this new path of giving life, and this time just
letting my own body lead the way. With Simon, I was scared and worried, my
water broke early and the doctors feared of an infection and baby
going into distress etc., there was no time for my body to do it, it had to be
helped. This time it was doing it, it knew how! I was so happy and almost proud.

After about an hour of frequent and strengthening contractions I called my
midwife. I told her what was happening and she said that since I needed the
antibiotic to be administered in two doses two hours before I deliver and it is
my second child, I could probably start getting ready and get to the hospital.
By the time we packed and woke up my sister to tell her what is happening, it
was after 2am. She moved to our bed for when Simon wakes up, so he would
not freak out that nobody was there. My mind was at peace having her there, for
some reason I knew I would labor at night and driving him in the middle of the
night anywhere was causing me stress and worry. But yeah, sisters, they sort of
make all that disappear and save the day or night when we need them to.

We drove through the quiet streets of Chicago, 2:00am is probably the only
time when it is that quiet, when finally everyone went to bed and nobody got up
quite yet. I felt a certain unity with the city; it was close to me and my baby
boy, there, just for us, not distracted by much that wasn't going on. The night
was warm yet the air felt brisk, I wore a black dress, a jean jacket, socks and
birks, just as a hipster mom would, that, or a frumpy mom in labor going to the
hospital would, you choose which that was. We parked near the hospital like
royalty cause there was all the street parking in the world at this ungodly
hour. We buzzed quietly into the hospital since reception desk was closed. After
giving birth to Simon in the hospital downtown, one pretty huge one with its beaming
lights and multi-level wards, this noiselessness was almost surprising, this
hospital was much smaller and closer to home and obviously far less busy... We
entered a dark lobby and went to the birthing center on the
third floor, we had to be buzzed in again and someone was to meet us to fill
out paper work for admissions. After an half an hour, my wrist band, hospital gown
and I walked into the "waiting room" room. I shared it with another
woman in labor, she was waiting to be admitted too, I could hear her baby on
the monitor, and gosh it hit me... that sound, that one of the kind sound of the horses racing
underground, and all the excitement for the joy of what was about to happen. All them feelings from when I was in labor with Simon became so close again and that sound,
that sound is just the best sound there is in the hospital to be heard.

Since I was with the midwives, I wasn’t hooked up to the monitors just yet,
it was all about not constraining my movements, which I was almost bummed
about, because I longed for some sort of contact with this baby I was about to
meet. By then my contractions were strong enough I had to breathe through them
and make those silly, long pauses when talking, but it wasn't painful yet. The
nurse asked me a bunch of questions, Cass went onto another bed that freed up
as the woman was admitted to take a nap, and we just waited for the midwife, it
was after 3:00 am. I called my parents on facetime to let them know, my mom
cried a little and said she would pray for me and for that everything goes well
and would spread the news around and tell everyone else to pray for me too, I
said thank you, because it is always comforting when someone else is doing the
praying for you too. In the middle of our chat my
midwife came, she was ready to examine me, so was I. I must say it was not the most pleasant of exams, I
don't know why it hurt thaaat bad, was I already tensing up? does it always hurt
so bad when you are in labor? My exams hurt with Simon, but again I was on Pitocin,
so everything hurt so damn bad… I think that the exam planted a very
deceitful thought in my head, one starting its work against me, I started to ask myself if I was already so
uncomfortable people touching me, how was I to push a cabbage head out from that
very spot... but luckily my “worry about that later thought” kicked in... I
sometimes am lucky to have that turn on, thus I could happily go back to my
bouncing on the birth ball happy place, after all I was a 4cm dilated and 70%
effaced and I was admitted.

We had to wait for the Labor and Delivery unit to be cleaned out cause
apparently it wasn't as calm as it looked and all units were being used and
other people were having babies, can one believe that? so we spent another half
an hour just waiting to be transferred down the hall where the official birthing
games were taking place.

When we did, we arrived at the "corner office" what I called it, a
large room but with an awkward layout, the bed was diagonally across the room
that looped, but I kind of liked it, the birthing stage was set and ready, like an ancient Greek theater in its half circle design. At
that point, I had quite regular and strong contractions but still manageable, I
turned on TV and caught the early news shows, Cass went to sleep and I kept
facetiming and messaging friends and family, by the time the Today show got on,
I had to start focusing on each contraction as they were getting more and more
painful. I decided to take a bath to relax a little as lack of sleep
and tiredness were starting to catch up with me. I opened the faucet with hot
water, cause I like my water hot, hot until my skin turns red and started
filling out the bathtub. I got in and started to relax, the warmth soothed the
tensed muscles from the contractions and slowed down the progressing exhaustion. When
the bathtub filled up I tried to close the faucet like I normally would, and
everyone else would, but it would not move an inch and water started to over-flood...
what a sudden turn of relaxing events?
how wonderfully soothing this turned out to be? Where is my zen?...I
quickly took out the plug, put on a robe and asked Cass to use his manly hands
to turn it off for me. After all, I mean, maybe the labor took all my arm strength away
already? So he woke up and came to save me but he couldn't turn it either, it was
stuck! we called the nurse, she said it had happened before and she would send
someone over to fix it and for now we
would just have to enjoy the waterfalls....how wonderfully
relaxing did that sound? Painfully annoying for someone with OCD, such as myself... I mean, white noise CDs and all, but it was so wastefully stupid, all this water... and giving me a headache. Finally, the whole not sleeping all night and hitting the
10:30 sleep crashing zone caught up with me and I got a migraine, contractions were getting stronger
and stronger and my body weaker and weaker, at that point I was so tired I
couldn't move much but the pain felt pretty corrupt if holding still.

And so I arrived
at this place when your body sends you into a limbo of nothing feels comfortable, you want to relax but can’t, you want to
rest your head but can’t, you just want to close your eyes for ten minutes but
can't... it started to feel super real.

Also at that point the midwife on call has changed and now it was Rachel, a
midwife that confirmed my pregnancy, for some reason it made everything more special and nicely tided together, also I
just really liked her, thus it sort of elevated my weakening spirit that it would
be her delivering with me.

She decided that since it has been practically 7
hours since I was admitted and getting really uncomfortable, it was time to
check me again, I was really hoping to hear that the end is near and this whole
thing would be over in an hour or so... after all I kept hearing those
promising, reassuring stories of other women birthing their second babies, it happens fast, they come furiously quick, wont have much time to think of an epidural, someone
was done in two hours, she/he came out with one push etc. etc. After how
long my labor was with Simon (27 hours total) I was really hoping, for once,
just this once that one of these sweet stories would also come true for me. They
never do, not for me, I hear them all the time about everything and they never
do, but this time, please this time the
odds have to be in my favor, I am so athletic, active till the very last day,
labored a little for a week straight before, admitted at four, I should be at
nine by now?! I better be! because maybe I can do this for an hour or so, but I
am getting so tireeeerd, an hour max, longer I may just die.... I lay on
the bed, it was hard to keep still with each contraction that had barely any
breaks in between, the exam was even more painful and made me worried even more
about the whole ordeal…. But all that aside, the most painful part was the
verdict, I was barely at seven, the cervix still hard and high, baby high,
probably three more hours of this, if I am lucky, cause 4 hours got me only up
3cm, or 2.5 if we were conservative!

This broke me, any sliver of confidence I managed to scramble, any attempt
at the happy go lucky outlook vanished, I was defeated… the worst time to hear
the bad news is in transition, in transition you are so tired, and I was sooooo
tired, you don't see the end of the pain, 5 minutes may as well be a million
lighting years, I was paralyzed, conquest by pain. At that point I was conveyed
to bed, curling in discomfort, crying. I cried that I won’t be able to do it
for three more hours and if by some
miracle I would, I would have no strength left for any of that pushing part…
they asked me if I want to walk around and see how it felt, I said I cannot
cause I was too weak…

I felt too weak, my mental weakness
and my physical weakness united in coalition against me, and my body felt like
it weighted a million pounds, grounding me in non-movement, paralyzed in throbbing
stillness. Two more contractions, 10 minutes, maybe 30, I don't know, time
stood still, I bawled that I couldn’t do this, that I am giving up, that I was
done and I wanted an epidural. The nurse said she would call an anesthesiologist
to see me, it was sometime after 11:00am, another 10, 15, 20 minutes later, no
sight of anesthesiologist and that running water! Dear Lord, I felt like I am
in some underwater abyss and there is no help for me, and that I would never
have this baby, I am just not able to stand this pain any longer, I
was close to passing out, I was panicking. I told Cass to call again for the anesthesiologist.

Finally, 40 minutes after the request
and two hours of the bathroom water STILL running, the doctor finally showed
up, she started her procedures, asked me how far along I was to which I responded
that 40 minutes ago I was merely a seven, even though by now I should be close
to 8, but with my pace it was probably just two milliliters. I told her that my body wanted to
torture me, and was not trying to speed things up but rather simply kill me. I could
barely stand still for her while the needle kept sliding, she kept starting
over probably at least five times, saying that I have bony vertebra and they
are close together, with little room for the drip to go in, she also was
getting really irritated by out Niagara falls in the bathroom and finally
stopped the needle attempts and said she could not work like this. She picked
up the phone and strongly and powerfully with this- I have worked here for years
and everyone listens to me- tone, she requested immediate maintenance in my
room concluding briefly "be here in two minutes, I cannot work like
this". I don't remember when they came and fixed it, cause sitting still
through each double peeking contraction was taking all I had, I was not really
there, I was someplace else, my body wanted to twist in pain, my mind trying to
calm it down, I desperately trying to escape my body to escape the pain, being away from everything....when the water stopped and she
finally got the needle in, I woke up, all the sudden the contractions turned
into a vibrating clench of my belly muscle, I could feel them, but not how they were treating my uterus. Just minutes before they were burning with
hot iron, now they felt like an orchestra of muscles shrinking and expanding rhythmically,
like a blossom in the high speed video. I had this wonderful visualization that
they tell you to try in all the books, I
had a book-like birthing visualization! Ha! finally, how ironic is that... I
am just not made for this, I guess, I sat there on my bed all numbed to
finally start thinking of what is happening, and then it hit me, I am not
made for this, I am broken, I am weak, something is failing me, why is it so
long and so hard and there is so little progress, why am I not a birthing goddess? Why
am I not empowered but defeated, am I a whimsy, am I not as strong as billions of
other women, am I weakly willed, am I too comfortable, too easy with myself? I
am worse, I am less, I am not as good nor brave? Am I just feeble and pathetic?...

With Simon I had an excuse for a medicated birth, my shield against the
"I lost the labor battle", with Simon I was fully induced,
contractions were artificially evoked by the Pitocin drip, of course I didn't
stand a chance with their strength and their 16 hour IV marathon, I made it to
seven centimeters then and felt like a hero, that was my reason, I couldn't, I
didn't have to feel guilty, hardly ever anyone that is induced can do it all
drug-free. So it was okay, sort of, but I felt like my will wasn’t tested and
graded so poorly, because there were what ifs, like if it turned differently,
on my own, I would be a champ...

And then this time... this time, what
was my excuse? it was all orchestrated by my body, my body I could not
win with, it failed me this time too, just differently or I failed my body...and
then I cried, I cried that I can never just turn on that womanhood on, that
power, where is it when I need it, where is it? why can I be like other women?
why is everything womanhood such a struggle for me, why can’t I measure up?..

The anesthesiologist was about to leave the room, but she pitied my whimsy face and gave me a pity prep talk, she told me that most
likely if I try the third time, it will be as long and as painful, just like
this, she told me that because of women like me they started doing what they
are doing, for the women that want to do it but their bodies are just built a
certain way that makes it harder. She told me that in the days without the
epidural women like me would pass out during labor from the amount of pain and probably never have many kids
at all, not every woman labors like a victor, we have bodies built differently
and for some the way it happens is just prolonged and painful and I
really should just get over it… I made it this far, I wanted to do it without
but it was too hard, end of story, there was no way anything would slow down or
cause complications - I did my best - so I should stop, because
nobody gets a star for this whole thing anyway... I listened to her yet did not really listen,
I felt like a looser, and weakling and I was sort of angry with myself but I was also so exhausted, too tired to be angry long…
I will destroy you, you pathetic fool some other time, now I should think ahead and get some rest.... The whole luxury of the epidural was for me
to rest, to sleep, oh to sleep! after all it was half past noon already and it
has been 12 hours I have been awake, birthing. Cass went out to get some lunch
and I just lay there, breathing, tuning into those contractions, now that the
pain was taken away from them, I could admire their power, admire them like a member
of a curious audience, without the noise of the battle to survive them, I could hear their rhythm and
feel their beauty, their wave-like music.

Maybe ten minutes into this peaceful slumber, finally in tune with my
blooming body, I felt a sudden tick, something broke inside of me as a tremendous
amount ofpressure just unloaded, the
water broke... so much of my relaxation with the warm blanket... I
need to call the nurse to help me clean this up... where the heck is the button
when you need it?

And then I started to feel like pushing, it was a sudden pressure and my
body was telling me to just do it, but what did it know? I didn't trust it, my
body didn't know anything, it just can't be, I was to sleep for two hours,
that was the point of this, wasn't it? so I can rest. I am paying for this a
few hundred bucks and I am not getting a natural labor star, may as well freaking
rest! what is going on? Why now? Why not in two hours?

And then my midwife came to check on me, she cleaned the mess and
checked what was really going on, she said yup, there is a head there
waiting, all loaded up ready to go, he has some dark hair... now I have to go
and get ready so wait and DON'T PUSH! I texted Cass, told him to get it to
go and come back, drop his roll and his spoon, cause he had a sudden fast-forward event to tend to. The next few
minutes were a blur, people started coming in and out, setting things up and I
could not believe it was actually happening, it is done, already, I got here, I
made it here, again!? maybe I could have waited with the epidural? or maybe I
let my body finally take over and open up from all the compressing paralysis
the pain was doing to it, who knows, from the perspective of time, I think it was all
what it was meant to be.

So I was laying there, all excited that it would soon be over, my heart
elated at the thought of what was coming next, the labor part was over, the
hard part, the part I don't get, the part I fail at, the part my body struggled
with, but now, it was the best part, the delivery part, my favorite part, my part,
when I know what I am doing, when my body works well, the part that ends in the
most rewarding way possible, the part with the miracle unfolding...

Minutes have passed and it was time for the first push, do I remember how
to do this? don’t worry everyone, I am good at this, I got Simon out in 19
minutes total, okay! Lets do this! I think this is how it goes.... Nope, oh wait, nope, this time it
feels like moving a brick wall.

And so it began, the wait for a strong
contraction and pushing on it only to go back to where I started. He was big…
the midwife was very encouraging and coaching me through each contraction, Cass
reminding me that I know how to do this, that we did this before, that we were good at
it, and this time it would be just as amazing... With that around,I managed to do a few good pushes, like a
pushing pro should, since I claimed that title, I needed to do its
justice.

Then, Rachel told me that on the next one we should get him out, but it had to
be a very big one, cause he is a big one...a very big one. So we waited out a
few milder contractions and I gathered my breath. Somewhere in the meantime,
the room filled with people, the NICU team, someone told me that they would
stay in there only until they make sure the baby was okay, if he was okay they
would leave and leave us to our thing. I don't remember this being a case with
Simon, maybe this hospital had different procedures or maybe Rachel wanted them
in "just in case", after all he was pretty BIG and apparently big ones can cause trouble.

And so I pushed with all I had, still didn’t quite feel like he was coming
out, it is okay, we should try the next one the same way again, and so I pushed
again, but that time, it made history...

...that moment when it feels like an eternity
and a nanosecond all at the same time. When the world is frantically spinning and then goes
into slow motion, I hear a cry, I see HIM. He is here, my eyes trace him as if
there is nothing else around, his face looks familiar, he is mine, he is ours.
I have seen this newborn face before, in his brother before him, in that moment
before him. And suddenly, I am taken aback to the moment I met Simon and in that very moment I am also meeting Leo. I feel united, I felt the extension of my motherhood, happening that very moment... the second time, yet just like the first time... familiar, and so unique, I have been in this love-drunk state before as if I have never left it... it is unexplainable really, like unexplainable
is giving birth to a beating heart, two beating hearts.

These seconds during the delivery are the Moment of Beating Hearts, mine, Simon's, Leo's,
essence of family in the making, of my personal mankind, the essence of unity, of motherhood.

They put his body onto mine. He is so big and squishy and warm and fuzzy, he
feels heavy laying on my chest, he is the most gorgeous, divine, miraculous
thing to see and smell, he is mine. The possessory instinct in a woman right after
the delivery must reach a gazillion percent units over the regular quota. HE IS
MINE! People keep touching him when he is just lying there on my chest, calming
down from his first cry.

I am holding my breath, first conscious thought that finally materializes after
this outer body experience, is he okay?
it seems like he is, checks come positive and he is still on my chest, nobody is taking
him away, he still is there, Thank GOD, I am so happy. Maybe two minutes maybe a million later, I don’t know,
the room suddenly emptied, it was just Cass and I and the midwife, finishing up
all that delivery business. The baby boy is rooting, he latches on immediately
and eats, we are both calm and so so so ecstatic, I feel like I am on a high, or at least a
high should feel just like that. We are together, like we were but different,
he is here, I can touch him, he is so soft and warm. His body feels different
from the outside, yet there is still something so familiar about it and his movements,
I am trying to savor it because I know with each minute of us separated that
deep and close connection evaporates, with each breath he takes independently,
he will feel less familiar and my body will forget how it was to have him
living inside...

I think we stayed like this for a long while, we chatted with Rachel about what had
happened,we all knew he was big, but didn't expect him to be that big. She
mentioned that he got stuck with his shoulder and that is why it was so hard to
get him out but I still did good and I can claim that I am a good pusher all I want,
she said that, really, at least I am giving myself that. She had to pull him
abruptly and there was more stitching to do so she did that for a
while...When she was finally done, we wanted to know how big he actually was,
the nurse was called to clean him up and weigh him, 9lbs 15 oz., one
ounce short of 10 pounds, maybe if he didn’t poo when they were cleaning him,
he would be 10 pounds officially. I got this 10 pounder out in under 50
minutes, so at least here, I somewhat feel proud of my performance.

So this is where this story sort of ends, it is too long anyway and probably
filled with details even I will be skimming through. But the day didn’t really
end there for me.

If you are still around there is some more quasi medical rambling. Birthing an almost 10 lbs worth of baby bears it consequences, so the story
sort of continues later into the night and the next day.

The onset of the
consequences happened when my sister and Simon came to meet Leo, they visited
us still in the Labor and Delivery unit as we waited for the room in the
maternity ward. I was already getting up as the epidural I had was the mastery
of all epidurals and even though I didn't feel the pain, I wasn't numb too much
and after 30 minutes, I was able to stand on my feet again and use the bathroom.

It was one of the happiest moments to see Simon meet Leo, he did so good, he
was born to be a big brother to him but the moments of happy were disrupted by
a sudden gush of blood, my blood… I almost fainted and someone quickly pushed
me onto the bed, I think it was Cass, he called the nurse and Rachel also
showed up immediately, they escorted Simon and my sister out and he seemed so
scared and confused, it broke my fainting heart. I got hooked up to the oxygen
monitor but the levels were good, so people stopped rushing, someone asked me
if I am an athlete, I replied all confused that I did all sorts of sports but no athlete here, I was however pretty active, but nothing special…but I guess even a little does show in
one’s blood stream. They did a bunch of medical stuff to me that I don’t even
recall, and this story is not a Wikipedia for postpartum hemorrhage. Later that
night it happened again and then again the next morning. During it all, my body
went into some shock and was shaking uncontrollably when I was lying in bed
with Leo, it scared us both… I felt so cold and restless, so the nurse brought
me many hot blankets and ensured it was just my body reacting to the medicine I
got for the bleeding. All in all, I survived, I was okay, it wasn't as easyy
as it could have been, as I naively hoped for. I wasn’t looking like I came back from a brisk run, more like wasted from a
New York Marathon, but I made it through, I am not made to birth quickly nor is it easy on my body, but
that toll it takes is welcomed, I welcome it with pride and joy. It
is like licking the wounds after a won fight, even the wounds are precious.
Leo was born on Friday, September 11 at 1:55pm, we left the hospital to go
home on Sunday at 11:55am. And these three days will forever be my greatest
adventure combined with the three days back in January of 2012. I am not sure
if I get to experience this again, if it is meant for me to venture onto this
adventure again, I am sure it will be just as heavenly and
magical in its imperfect painful and surprising ways. and I will be honored to
do it.

I've told you before how much I love your writing style, but this time... your birthing story made me both giggle and cry!I read so many birth stories, and usually they describe what's happening really vividly but now I got a little peek of what's happening in the heart, the train of thoughts, how you actually feel while it's happening...YOU ARE AWESOME!And you should totally feel proud of how both you and your body handled it, I myself had the " worst" kind of medicated birth, the infamous pre-scadualed C section (due to a heart defect I was born with)��Women like you used to faint during labour and women like me used to die, but we no longer have to because of how beautifully medicine has evolved...

Thank you sweet girl!!! I was kind of reluctant of posting once I finally typed up this monstrously sized story ;) I didn't even want to read it myself to edit, too long :)) but if I have one reader such as you, just one, none of this is stupid or unnecessary and you have no idea how proud and happy this makes me! Also, you are amazing and strong and I am honored to be on this side of the birthing fence along with you... when what we would hoped for will not/cannot happen. What matters most I think in this story, and your story is that we both got the happy ending, the happiest possible <3 kisses xoxox