Friday, October 15, 2010

Interview With Clair The Ferret

Quite awhile back, I interviewed Bailey for a ferrety Friday post. His cage mate, Clair, didn’t know about that because she wasn’t with us at the time. But she’s found out about somehow (I’m guessing Bailey told her; it’s not like she has internet access and is reading my blog) and she’s been demanding that I conduct an interview with her as well. I told her I’d think about it, but that’s not good enough for her. She threatened to start doing her business outside of the litter box if I don’t comply. Scary. Having to clean up that type of mess is not my idea of fun, so I gave in to her demands.

Here’s the interview:

Me: “So, Clair, you’ve been with us since February of this year. Do you like it here?”

Clair: “Meh. It’s okay. A good looking gal like me could have done a lot better, you know, but I decided to sacrifice whatever better options were out there to do you guys a favour... seeing as you were desperate for another ferret and all. Mostly so Bailey wouldn’t be lonely anymore.”

Me: “You gotta be kidding me! You’re being an ungrateful little...”

Clair: “Whoa there, missy! You sound upset. I’m not sure I like that tone. It’s stressing me enough that I might miss the litter box the next time I need to go.”

Me: “Grrr...ahem... Speaking of Bailey, tell me how you’re getting along with him.”

Clair: “Okay, I guess. He’s good-natured and all, but not very bright, if you know what I mean.”

Clair: “My daily routine? Well, that’s an odd question. Okay, well, I sleep about 18 hours a day, sometimes more. I eat a few times a day, and go to the bathroom just as often. I boss Bailey around a little – just for fun, you know – and I basically live the life of a pampered pet. What do YOU do all day? ”

Me: “We’re not interviewing me, Clair, so let’s get back to you.”

Clair: “Hmpf...”

Me: “What do you think about our new kitten?”

Clair: “I don’t.”

Me: “You don’t what?”

Clair: “I don’t think about her.”

Me: “Oh. But do you like her?”

Clair: “No. She smacked me with her paw once - FOR NO REASON. She’s a brat.”

Clair: “I don’t care what her reasons are; she’s still a brat. She’s even smacked Bailey – more than once!”

Me: “I know, but Bailey is willing to give her a chance. I guess he’s more patient than you are.”

Clair: “No, he’s...”

Me: “Don’t say it!”

Clair: “...stupid!”

Me: “Oh, Clair, why do you have to be so mean about him?”

Clair: “Mean? Me? I’m just being honest. Maybe you’re too politically correct. Would it make you feel better if I said he’s intellectually lethargic?”

Me: “Oh, Clair, just stop it. Bailey is not slow. He’s just very gentle.”

Clair: “Oh, now there’s a nice way of putting it. Anyhow, it’s not so bad; it’s not like he’s the sole member of that club; Nacho can give him a run for his money when it comes to being stup...er... intellectually lethargic.”

Me: “Nacho? Why would you say such a thing about our sweet, gentle cat?”

Clair: “There’s that word again...gentle...a.k.a. NOT TOO BRIGHT”

Me: “Oh Clair... Don’t you have anything nice to say about anyone?”

Clair: “Of course. There’s that smaller human sharing a room with us who is not too bad.”

Clair: “A-ny-way, she fills our food bowl and provides us with fresh water, almost regularly. You should have a talk with her about that, you know. But besides that, she’s okay. She even plays with us sometimes. Both Bailey and I like her. Almost always. Not so much when she doesn’t freshen up our water. Or when the TV is on too loud while we’re trying to sleep. Or when she turns on the lights full blast when we’re asleep...she has a dimmer, you know; you’d think she would use it. The more I think about it, the more I realize she can be quite annoying at times. Still, she’s mostly alright.”

Me: “Anyone else?”

Clair: “That bigger, male human? The one that we see once in a blue moon? We don’t like him. He doesn’t let us out to play. He doesn’t fill up our food or water bowls. And he never changes our litter boxes. In fact, he hardly ever speaks to us. Not sure what his purpose is, but he doesn’t seem very useful.”

Me: “That’s my husband. And just because he doesn’t serve YOUR needs, doesn’t mean he has no purpose.”

Clair: “Your husband? What’s that? Some type of mate?”

Me: “Something like that. It’s a little complicated to explain, so I won’t get into it.”

Clair: “Whatever he is, he doesn’t seem very useful to me. Not sure why you’re keeping him around.”

Clair: “I’d rather not say. You’re a little too sensitive, and I’m not sure you can handle the truth.”

Me: “Don’t worry about that. Just be honest.”

Clair: “Alright, but just remember I warned you. First of all, you have to stop with all the kissy-kissy stuff. Imagine a giant picking you up, bringing you close to his leviathan-sized skull and planting his lips on your small head. And all the while speaking gibberish...some kind of cutesy-wutesy type talk...and squeezing you to death.”

Me: “I’m just showing you some affection.”

Clair: “That’s your idea of affection? Squeezing the life out of me? Why don’t you try keeping it to a minimum, like maybe petting my head a little and then PUTTING ME DOWN?”

Me: “Alright, I’ll try. Is there anything else?”

Clair: “You have to change the litter in our litter boxes faster. You take too long and then I have no choice but to do my business beside them instead of in them.”

Me: “I used to change them once a week and Bailey was okay with that. What’s the deal with you wanting them changed every 4 or 5 days? What’s an extra couple days?”

Clair: “What’s the deal? I have to share them with Bailey and he goes more often than I do. How would you like to put your paws into a dirty, smelly litter box? No way will I climb into that.”

Me: “Okay, Clair, I get it. And I’ve been changing them faster than I used to.”

Clair: “Not fast enough if you ask me. But I guess I can live with it.”

Me: “Isn’t there anything nice you can say about me?”

Clair: “Of course there is! We love all the castles you built for us out of the cardboard boxes. And the tasty vitamins you give us every day. And the playroom you put together for us. And that you clean our cage. And that you buy our food. In fact, aside from the slurpy kisses, the baby talk and the litter box negligence, I think you’re pretty cool. Bailey does too. He thinks you’re the best thing since mouse stew.”

Me: “Oh, Clair, come here...”

Clair: “STOP! DON’T YOU DARE PICK ME UP AND START THE KISSY-KISSY STUFF!”

Me: “Ooops, sorry...lost my head there for a moment. Okay, so let’s call it a day; the interview is getting a little long and we’ll end up boring our readers.”

Clair: “Bore our readers? They should feel honoured by my presence.”

Me: “Of course, Clair, of course. What do you say we do another interview at a later date? After all, a special gal like you should be getting her beauty rest just about now, no?”

Clair: “Yawn...I guess you’re right; I am feeling a little tired.”

Me: “Alright then, have a good rest, Clair.”

Clair: “Yaaawwwnnn...thanks... Don’t forget what I told you, okay? No more overdoing the kissy-kissy stuff...”

Me: “I won’t forget...” [sinister smile...]

And that wraps up this ferrety Friday. Hope you all enjoyed the interview with Clair.

Yup, she sure did win the ferret lottery; we do take good care of our fuzzies. And she's really sweet, much sweeter than I portray her here. But the post wouldn't be as much fun or as interesting if I didn't include a little 'attitude'.

I am a ferret person as well. I had seven rescues , many of whom were old and needed medical care, but they were all my good friends. Now only 2 are still with me, Spike and Jet. My daughter was going to bring me some more ferrets when she came down for Christmas, but she got busy and didn't. I sure do love the little guys and girls.

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