Little Monsters!

So, I'm 26 years old and I don't have kids. Apparently, I'm abnormal. I'm sick to death of other women WHO ARE YOUNGER THAN I telling me I'll change my mind when I get older. Meanwhile, they bounce a slobbering, crying infant on one hip while dragging along a screaming toddler with a penchant for smearing me with grubby little paws! Yes, please! Please allow me to relegate the best years of my life to another human being who will be completely dependent upon me! I don't want a nice house! Or a nice, clean car! Or to go away for a weekend on a moment's notice! Or have a retirement account that allows me to live in more than abject poverty! Yes, yes, yes!!! I'll take two of those!

When did it become obligatory for women to procreate? And why do others feel the need to convice you it's the greatest thing on earth when obviously you (meaning me) would rather surround your corneas with splintered toothpicks? When asked why I don't want children, the most honest answer I can give is that I'm selfish. I figure if I say that, people will assume I'm a bitch and not bother trying to recruit me as a breeding minion in their plans for Global Overpopulation. Sadly, it instead becomes a personal mission to convert me. I can see it in their eyes...I should relent and open up a Babies 'R' Us credit card...resistance is futile...

Something witty and evocative with just the right amount of self-deprecating humor.

Re: Little Monsters!

My sister is the same way; she's 24 now, coming close to her 25th birthday, and, for some unknown but incredibly stupid reason, my mother insists that she should have settled down with a man a couple of years ago, and already have raised a child. I say it's bonkers just to procreate right now when so many children already exist who desperately need homes, but if you don't want children to raise at all, more power to you. My sister and I both know the feeling all too well.

Re: Little Monsters!

Oh, I could not agree with you more. I'm only 21, but already many of my friends have gotten married; my college roommate got married while we were still in school-- yeah, it was so much fun to have her husband fly from Michigan to stay at our house during his breaks.

So I fear that many of my friends have children looming on the horizon, and I often get a definite vibe of "Oh, Rachel, when are you going to finally settle down with someone and pop out some little brats?"

As if dating and being single is somehow irresponsible. Personally, there are just too many things that I don't want to sacrifice: my late nights out; my ability to travel wherever I want; my white furniture; my flat stomach.

What I really hate is the implication that, although I may not want to have kids now, as soon as I'm "lucky enough" to get pregnant, some magical maternal urge will kick in and I'll just be thrilled by this little creature that I and Guy X have managed to create. But honestly, I know women who say they wish they hadn't had kids, so I doubt every woman has this maternal nature.

When asked why I don't want children, the most honest answer I can give is that I'm selfish.

I don't think you're selfish. What I think is selfish is to bring a little Mini-Me into this wretched world for the sole purpose of some kind of warped self-gratification. One of my friends actually told me she only wants kids so she'll have someone to take care of her when she gets old. In my opinion, it just doesn't get any more selfish than that.

Maybe my perspective will change as I get older, or after I've gotten married. But I don't expect it to, and if it doesn't I won't be surprised. And I won't think that there's anything wrong with me.

Re: Little Monsters!

Thanks for the support. The funny thing is, I can envision the future around the time I'm in my late thirties/early forties. It goes something like this:

Donna Reed: "So, do you have any children?"

Me: "No, we don't have any."

Donna Reed: "Oh, I'm sorry. But you're still young enough, have you tried [insert any treatment commonly used to help infertile couples have children]?" I imagine this question to be asked in a sickeningly sympathetic tone, perhaps she reaches out one hand to pat my arm soothingly.

Me: "No, you see - we didn't want children. It was a choice we made before we were even married." Here I glance pointedly at her own screaming gremlins...or perhaps a surly teenager.

Donna Reed: "Oh." Awkward pause. Backs up a step. Tight smile.

Couple this with the "What's wrong with you?" look and you've got yourself a winner. I just can't wait.

Something witty and evocative with just the right amount of self-deprecating humor.

Re: Little Monsters!

Obviously all the kid bashers in this topic don't remember being kids themselves... I guess you all think your parents made a pretty stupid mistake in having you, eh?

Ok, I agree it's your choice to have a child or not, and people should quit pressuring you. But quit talking like having a kid around would destroy your life and give you nothing in return. Because that's just not true.

Global Overpopulation

... yes, it's a huge problem. I guess that might make me look like something of a hypocrite. But, the population only increases if everyone has more than two kids, and that's becoming rare in rich nations. The ironic thing is, the people who could really afford having kids (you are one) are the ones NOT having kids, where as people in less developed countries are having way more than they can afford, god knows why (actually, probably for religious reasons). And yeah, that's a tragedy.

Anyway, it's all your choice, I'm not out to change your minds. And everyone who has replied here is still young for having kids anyway (especially Rachel... I would consider having kids at 21 irresponsible). But everyone was agreeing that having a kid would suck... and I don't.

Re: Little Monsters!

But quit talking like having a kid around would destroy your life and give you nothing in return. Because that's just not true.

But it IS true, Bunk. Perhaps it wouldn't ruin my whole life, but it would definitely ruin the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed! I like to think my self awareness allows me to realize that I honestly am a little selfish. The idea of being resonsible for another human being for the duration of its life does NOT fill me with delight and wonder - it horrifies me. I have five nieces who occasionally satisfy the wayward maternal instinct I do possess. The beauty of the arrangement is - I can give them back, and I do so willingly.

One other gripe to add to this along the same vein: Did you (people at NAO, not just Bunk) know that for me to have a tubal ligation I must have at least 1 child and be over 30 years old? This is not a law, but an unwritten guideline to which Doctors here adhere? Yet a boy of just 18 years old can get a vasectomy with little or no resistance - and his insurance will often pay for it? Ain't that just the grandest thing you've ever heard? And here I thought it was 2004. I'll just go bake some cookies, barefoot in the kitchen...but I'm keeping my handy-dandy birth control pills locked and loaded...

Something witty and evocative with just the right amount of self-deprecating humor.

Re: Little Monsters!

Obviously all the kid bashers in this topic don't remember being kids themselves... I guess you all think your parents made a pretty stupid mistake in having you, eh?

Oh, on the contrary. I remember all too well, which is another reason not to have any. I drove my parents nuts. It's all too possible that any child of mine (the insanity genes seem to rather dominate my family tree) will be just as bad (or worse depending on the other 50% of contribuited DNA)as I was.

And yes, I think my parents were rather wrong in having me. Or at least having me when they did. They were both working full time jobs, they had a very low net income, they were at least a decent age (25 and 27), but still. They probably wouldn't have had the stressful few years facing the looming threat of divorce(or so my mother tells me) if they had waited another few years to have a baby.

But quit talking like having a kid around would destroy your life and give you nothing in return. Because that's just not true.

This is a good point. While it's true that having a child means making sacrifices, and that it's a stressful, demanding, and time-consuming thing to do, it's also true that rasing a child can be very rewarding. IF a person is suited, prepared, and willing to do so. If not? Well, it _can_ be life destroying--for both the parents and the child. I can't describe how many times I've seen people who just _shouldn't_ have had children, or shouldn't have had them when they did at any rate, making not only their lives but the lives of their children far more difficlut than necessary. It's the kind of thing that makes for years of therapy and possible appearences on daytime talk shows. ^_^

"She's at that awkward age. Too old for romantic misadventures, too young for mystic kung fu powers.

Re: Little Monsters!

(hmm... lots of replies... can't reply to all of them seperately... eeny meeny miny mo... ok, this is going to be long...)

Wow... the more I read this topic, the more I feel that I have truly great parents.

I dunno, maybe it was different for them given the circumstances. They had been trying for eight years, gone through four miscarriages. But either way, my parents have never, ever expressed any regret in my existence, or anything but love towards me (I mean, I piss them off now and then, and they bug me too, but it's all boils away... eventually). They seem to be pretty constantly appreciative of my life (almost embarrasingly... ok, not 'almost' :p).

I should thank them.

Of course, they sacrificed their old way of life. In their eyes at least, it was not a negative change.

But you're right Wednesdays Child. In fact, I will re-iterate your point: for gods sake do not have kids as a matter of course! But:

"Hey K... is it worth it?"

"Oh yes... if you're strong enough."

Did you (people at NAO, not just Bunk) know that for me to have a tubal ligation I must have at least 1 child and be over 30 years old? This is not a law, but an unwritten guideline to which Doctors here adhere? Yet a boy of just 18 years old can get a vasectomy with little or no resistance - and his insurance will often pay for it?

Well, I didn't know that (of course, it might be different in Canada), but now that I do... quite frankly, it had no effect on me. Why an 18 year old would get a vasectomy is beyond me. I'm 17, and there is no way you could possibly get me even thinking about getting anything of the sort in any 'conceivable' future. I would feel weak, powerless, empty... like an empty shell of a human, consuming resourses with pointless trivialities until I waste away and die wondering why I did nothing, created nothing, gave nothing back. And a thousand years later, not even the smallest part of me would continue to exist.

As you might have guessed, I intend to have a kid someday. ;) I should try to explain it in a less dramatic fashion.

Am I out to make a kid right now? Shit no! There's a lot else I want more for the next 5-10 years. Do I think having fun is useless? Holy shit no! Enjoyment makes life worth living... and creating. Why do I care so much? Because I'm your mother. Seriously, because I don't believe that "God" has a purpose for me, and societies purposes are hollow lies... so, beyond simply helping people, the general purpose of life, procreation, is the ultimate fall back plan.

But... in the spirit of "living and let living", if you can find meaning in your lives without kids... that's ok.

Re: Little Monsters!

Obviously all the kid bashers in this topic don't remember being kids themselves... I guess you all think your parents made a pretty stupid mistake in having you, eh?

Well, actually, I was a holy terror. My mother claims that I was more trouble than all four of my brothers combined. And I have this fear that, if I had a child, I'd get my karmic just desserts.

But quit talking like having a kid around would destroy your life and give you nothing in return. Because that's just not true.

Well, actually, it could beľ can you really judge for me what would make me miserable? I don't hate children; on the contrary, I work with them every day and think they're a ton of fun. But at the end of the day, when they go home to their parents, it's such a relief. I know that I would get some enjoyment out of having a child. However, I don't feel that the rewards, for me, would outweigh the stress, hassle, frustration, physical pain, financial burden, and loss of freedom.

Re: Little Monsters!

I know I haven't posted my opinion of having children in this topic, but I saw what you said and couldn't help but respond. I agree with Syl and Rachel that I don't want children because it would alter the life style I see myself living and interupt my plans for a good career and travel. And like Syl I only enjoy children in very tiny dosages.

Obviously all the kid bashers in this topic don't remember being kids themselves... I guess you all think your parents made a pretty stupid mistake in having you, eh?

Yes, actually I do remember being a child (granted I'm not much older than one at this point). And, I feel bad for being born because 1) My mother was seriously thinking about divorcing my father when she found out she was pregnant, 2) I was a completely accedental pregnancy, and 3) I was demanding, self-grattifying, overly emotional, and a real pain in the ass to my parents. And now that I'm older I feel totaly and completely responsible for a long and horrible marriage between my parents that isn't healthy for either of them and only lasted because they wanted what was best for me.