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How to be the Worst Best Man, Ever

Most articles you read are all about how to be the best at something; the most gracious hostess or host, the best dressed, the most supportive maid of honor or best man. Reading those articles can get boring after awhile so I’ve decided to write a series of articles about how to be the absolute worst at something with the hope that you will learn what not to do – and thereafter, be the best.

This article focuses on the top 5 ways you can be the worst best man, ever, and is loosely based on actual wedding nightmares read on the web.

Photo Credit: Holly Lay

5. Bring your cantankerous on again-off again girlfriend as your date to the wedding. You don’t care that no one likes her and she wasn’t invited. Insist that she’s much sweeter after the last break up (and that brief two week stay in jail). Remind everyone not to make any sudden moves, to avoid making eye contact at all costs and everything should go just fine – you think.

Photo Credit: Epic Beer

4. The night before the wedding is a great time to take the groom out for a no holds barred bachelor party. Stay out drinking all night so that you can greet the sunrise with a cold brew and your best pals. A 10 minute power nap, a hot shower and another beer is the best way to start the day. Stumble in drunk to the wedding because it’s a celebration -isn’t it?!- and you intend to par-tay all night long. Whoop!

Photo Credit: Doug Hay

3. Schedules be damned. You don’t need to rent the tux until the last minute because stores stock those things in one size fits all – right? Wrong. Insist that it’s no big deal when you show up for the wedding looking like bozo the clown.

Photo Credit: Visual Dichotomy

2. Your reception speech is the perfect time and place to bring up all of the most embarrassing stories you have of the groom. Be sure to include every single poker night and all of your booze filled adventures together. Wonder aloud why your friend would ever willingly choose to be tied down with that old “ball and chain”- it must be a trap! Grab him by the arm and make a break for the nearest exit.

Photo Credit: J.E. Theriot

1. Search frantically for the ring that you seem to have misplaced, because you would never lose it. Pause to reflect on the impromptu tackle football game that you had on the beach at 6 a.m. this morning. Did he give you the ring before or after that? No one can remember through the haze of alcohol so you offer up a stray piece of string that you find hanging from your clown suit.