LeBron James ten year old son, LeBron James Jr, has already been recruited by multiple colleges according to James who expressed his irritation and then dangled a carrot in front of anyone potentially interested:

“It’s pretty crazy. It should be a violation. You shouldn’t be recruiting 10-year-old kids… He plays just like I did.”

Stop being interested in my kid. He’s going to be as good as me. Don’t look at him. He can hand you five championships. Get off my lawn! Wait, he gets his own dorm building?

It’s possible Jr hasn’t actually been recruited and James is just getting the word out. Still I wouldn’t put it past them. Kentucky scouts neonatal wards for obscenely long babies with good trajectory. Even if this kid doesn’t pan out you’re still looking at a sweet new sponsored practice facility. I’ll wager one year over under on his post secondary. Better than nothing. The American Dream is alive and well. For dad at least.

LeBron James and Kevin Hart hosted the NBA All-Star All-Style Fashion Show over All Star Weekend, where players competed for an award for being Best Dressed. This was widely considered an embarrassment to the NBA and the male race as well by everyone except those involved including those of us within ear shot, or close to a muted TV in a sports bar that didn’t know better. I get it, you guys are into fashion. I’m a fan of making sketches while birding in my neighbor’s sanctuary but I don’t make it known because it would make me look like a pussy. Of all the arenas in which one could take pleasure such as cinema, the cosmos, archaeology or the quest to break the land speed record, you’re interested in different kinds of shirts and pants. That means you’re super fucking dull if not easily entertained to the point of being dense. Which is fine. Nine year old girls aren’t out solving the traffic grid. We also aren’t televising the tea parties they hold with stuffed animals under the kitchen table. Stop encouraging these fuckers. They currently lack perspective. Some day LeBron will look back on this and cringe while getting his balls licked on a custom armoire.

LeBron James is utterly mistaken about how important he is and thinks his first game back in Cleveland will be remembered throughout history somewhere between the Immaculate Reception and the fall of the Berlin Wall. That fell, right?

“For me, none of us should take this moment for granted. This is probably one of the biggest sporting events up there ever.”

A regular season NBA game where guys jog back on defense rarely ranks higher than the next one in terms of significance. Especially when losing to a horrendously conceived Knicks team whose most promising asset is an old man in their office who does yoga. To be fair LeBron is kind of biased. He ranks taking a mid game shit last November number 3 on the all time list he keeps on a white board near his locker. His decision to leave Cleveland via Punk’d remains un-erased however since it inspired the largest American mass suicide since Heaven’s Gate.

In Northeast Ohio, nothing is given. Everything is earned. You work for what you have. I’m ready to accept the challenge. I’m coming home.

That’s how LeBron called upon his inner Tom Wolfe to announce his decision to return to Cleveland. It had nothing to do really with anything he wrote previously in his talking points ‘decision’ essay released on SI.com today, but whoever wrote it has a nice flair for Rust Belt sentiment. None of it really matters. Miami is over and LeBron is picking up his designer luggage and moving back home where the formerly angry cheated on denizens of the nation’s most shat upon sports town will gladly take him back. You’ll see one news story about a guy who says he burned his LeBron jersey in 2010 and forget it, he’s not so into forgiving. But everybody else in Cleveland will spread their legs and pretend LeBron never left his roots or the Cavaliers, he just took a break to find himself. Desperate people will fuck anything that makes them feel pretty.

LeBron James got married over the weekend. If you believe media accounts, it was romantic as fuck. Beautiful hotel, Beyonce flew in from wherever Beyonce flies in from to sing with Jay-Z at the reception. LeBron married Savannah Brinson, the girl he started banging without protection in high school and made two babies with then ditched because he was rich and needed a few years to screw lots of models while being a single man. As opposed to the models he will screw now that he is no longer single. It’s just like a fairytale.

LeBron James has a profile on “60 Minutes” this week, and in the middle of the interview he casually drains a shot from well past half court. If you don’t know, his team is in first place right now by 23 games, and quite honestly, his team is not that good. If he were a computer, he’d be the IBM Roadrunner, and the rest of the Cavs would be a shoebox with “computer” written in glitter and a rotary dial just kind of laid on top.