Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I've wanted to write about the various experiences...the trials and the great times...but I could never find the words. I still can't quite find the words.

But it weighs on my mind, on my heart.

God used a year (Feb '12-Feb '13, roughly) to change my life in a way that I have never truly expressed to people...in the course of a year, I reopened my heart to Him, to pour into me and expose in me the dark places that needed some housekeeping. In the midst of the whirlwind of emotion, of experiences, of happiness and despair, I finally understood what He wanted me know:

That He is enough.

He is my portion.

Daily, I struggle with fears of rejection, of feeling like I just don't fit in. I worry that I am not perfect enough...that I don't give enough, that I don't try hard enough, that I'll never ever be good enough...daily, I have to surrender these issues to Him.

And daily, He shows me He is enough. I don't have to be enough, because He is.

And in a year, and every day since, He has proven His faithfulness, His goodness, His unfailing love.

He has proven that He is surely enough.

Before February, 2012:

I never knew I'd meet and care so deeply for man so very different from myself. But God did, and He gave me enough grace to do so.

I never knew I'd counsel another young woman, broken and whole, a friend and an enemy. But God did, and He extended to me enough mercy to do so.

I never knew I'd have to say goodbye to the people who had become so integrated into my life. But God did, and He gave me enough courage to walk away.

I never knew I'd experience such agonizing heartache. But God did, and He gave me enough strength to survive.

I never knew I'd leave the place of worship that had become my home and start over somewhere else. But God did, and He gave me enough time to heal and make the transition.

After February, 2013, and on to this day:

I see God's plan more clearly for my life...I may not understand it, but today is enough. Tomorrow will be enough.

I will never be enough for other people, and they will never be enough for me. It is the Lord alone who is enough.

I will most likely continue with my daily struggles, unless the Lord takes them away altogether. But in the meantime, His grace is sufficient enough.

When trials come at my own hand, and my sinful nature takes hold, I find comfort in knowing that His forgiveness is enough, and that He will guide me to the place of reconciliation.

Today, I want to live like my God is enough for me.

Tomorrow, I want to live like my God is enough for me.

I will daily have to surrender to Him, and seek His face, and His help, and it won't be easy...but He will be enough for me.