Anyway, wonderful descriptions and ability to tell readers exactly the thoughts of these characters. You have talent, I hope you'll continue to write and develop more skills with time. Just keep it up!

I would suggest this to make your fic a little better. Make it a little longer because now it's a 'fic-let' and many readers like to read things that are a little longer. (It's still very sweet, and you did a good job). Also, this is just a personal thing- you used the word koibito a little too often. Mix up the wording a little more.