More memories are returning. Im working towards rebelling against my parents! The small child in me is attempting to gain enough love and attention from the present to rebel against my parents from the past! Im attempting to grow up as if I was in a family system that is helping me grow! I am growing from the village, as the village is helping me develop! and its working! its taken a long time! but its worth it!

Getting closer!

Im getting closer to being present and dealing with my feeling locked in from the past! Im horrified by what happened to me! but Im learning as I take chances and practice, that the people in the present are not the people from the past! today, when I think Im having problems with people; I call them back, they call me back! and I keep my friendships! but its hard work so far! Im taking chances with people to be honorable! its not easy!

I call them back and tell them Im there friend and to call me! they end up calling me back! so the damage is repaired! nothing needs to be said, they called back, thats what counts!

Im slowly allowing people in!

At some point my sanity will return! sanity meaning; that thing you all on this site wish for! Heres the deal, Im beyond damaged!

ITs taken 35 years to open up again! I remember the last few years as my original self, and the other years as someone else, and I don't remember those years! everything is reversing! and Im becoming me again!

My mind was crunched! so was my nervous system! so, it remains! Im very weak in the mind! it has been torched and murder'd, and yet, Im awake now! and slowly heading toward interactions of a deeper sort!

I have a God, and Im lucky to be alive, and it has been like being in a Syrian war that I have escaped

Im now in a state of rehab; thats the best way I can describe this! Im very messed up, Im alone, as far as anyone from the past! there is no more past! I\

I have much friends from 12 step groups and other counseling things!

Im looking forward to being more present normal acting! It will take time.