The Bachelorette Recap: If Not, I’ll Kill You

July 17, 2017July 17, 2017

These hometown dates were so varied and interesting and showed real families from all different backgrounds and experiences! It was such a refreshing thing to see from hometowns that we maybe never have? I cried three times? We even had thoughtful converations about race multiple times without having to cast a racist!

I truly enjoyed most of the episode, especially watching Rachel being so kind and open with each family.

HOWEVER, as someone who is less than two weeks from having a son (I mean, maybe he’s staying in here forever, who knows), it was also TERRIFYING. I need to watch Bryan’s mom’s scenes, like, weekly, to constantly remind myself NOT to be this mom. My husband was reluctant to say I wouldn’t be a psycho, so I AM VERY WORRIED.

Let’s get to the worst things, most of which were Bryan related, because obviously.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelorette: Episode 8

10. Bryan is ALL lines and Rachel is falling for it so hard. “I’m kind of obsessed with [making you smile]” is essentially from a country song. I’m real over the lines that seem like they could be said to any woman.

9. Apparently, Peter referred to Rachel as a trophy on his arm, which I entirely missed or blocked out because I’m so obsessed with loving him. So I can’t really comment on this because, sorry, not about to rewatch this whole date to find this one statement, but no no no, honey.

8. Bryan’s mom tells Rachel that if he’s not happy, she’ll kill her, and Rachel laughs but she should probably have RUN OUT THE DOOR AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

7. Who was this other woman at Bryan’s date wearing the Baublebar earrings that every blogger has? Anyways, she says that Bryan’s last girlfriend was threatened by his relationship with his mom and who does that? Uh, any sane person walking into this disaster.

6. Rachel is wonderful and answers the “what do you see in my son?” question thoughtfully and perfectly every time. When Bryan’s mom asks him what he sees in Rachel, he starts with, “the obvious, she’s beautiful.” Seriously, get it the fuck together.

5. Was ABC doing this date with Dean’s dad exploitative? I’m not sure. I feel like they actually handled it well, considering, but also feel like it wasn’t something Dean or his father was thrilled to be doing on camera. And I feel bad for his dad being opened up to the judgment of a viewership that isn’t always (or often) kind when it was clear he only wanted to support his son. It felt icky to watch, but of course I cried.

4. Bryan’s mom says, maybe five times, that Bryan is the love of her life. NO STOP IT STOP SAYING IT SO CREEPY LIKE.

3. I can’t handle Bryan’s mom (is that clear?). “Mother is mother, we are blood. We are blood.” SHE IS SO SCARY.

2. Y’all, Bryan is Vanessa. He is so set on Rachel fitting in well with and getting approval from his family, but shows no self-awareness that he should also want Rachel to like his family. Because, you know, getting married is starting your own family. Sure, each person’s family is an important part of a marriage (most of the time), but you need to put your partner first, not your mom first. If his family didn’t like her and he still did, it shouldn’t matter AT ALL. His family should adapt, not her.

1. RANT WARNING: Something that really bothers me with this show is when the leads don’t choose people because they think they won’t propose or won’t accept a proposal at the end of the show. Why is this how you choose a life mate? That they be ready to propose after, like, 30 hours spent together? Wouldn’t it be better to choose the person you see a happier future with, even if it doesn’t fit this ridiculous timetable than to choose someone just because they’re all in immediately? Isn’t that actually kind of worrisome? I don’t get at ALL why you would choose someone as a safe bet. THIS IS MARRIAGE. YOU WANT THE BEST PERSON FOR YOU. EVEN IF IT TAKES A TINY BIT LONGER. Ugh, I think this every time but especially now because why you would ever choose Bryan over Peter is beyond me.

My random thoughts and predictions:

Eric and his family are truly wonderful. I like him SO much now. There were so many difficult conversations handled so well! They’re all fun! They’re complicated and honest and a true joy.

LOL Peter’s friends shaking their heads at Peter trying to pull out his black friend card for Rachel was one of my favorite moments of this season. TOO GOOD.

I actually liked Bryan on the alone part of their date, kind of. That certainly didn’t last long though.

Sweet, sweet Dean. You are wonderful and have so much time to find a partner. Please don’t act a fool on paradise.