Monday, August 13, 2007

The BSNYC 2008 Dream Bike Shootout

As a cyclist and writer, I’ve long dreamed of seeing my work printed in the pages of “Bicycling” magazine. So far, my efforts towards gaining entree into the “Redbook” of cycling publications have been thwarted. My pitches that have been rejected so far include:

This time, though, I’m confident I will finally get in. An issue of “Bicycling” without a bike shootout is like an issue of “Playboy” without a centerfold, or like an issue of “The New Yorker” without an unreadably boring short story. So I’ve taken it upon myself to review three of the hottest 2008 road bikes out there. Read on—I’m sure you’ll agree my success is virtually assured:

Specialized Tarmac SL2

The latest flagship road bike from Specialized was developed with significant input from Quick Step--Innergetic rider Tom Boonen, who provided crucial insight such as: “What kind of bike am I riding again this year?;” “I like eggs, but not egg salad--isn’t that weird?;” and “How much am I being paid to ride this thing, anyway?” This collaboration paid off in a big way when Boonen won the overall green jersey competition in this year’s Tour de France. And it’s in no way stretching the truth to say that Boonen’s SL2 was entirely responsible for the victory.

The most important difference between the SL2 and the now embarrassingly obsolete SL is the 1.5” lower head tube bearing. This means that the lower head tube bearing is now 3/8” larger, yielding a measurable increase of 6/16” over last year’s model. If it helps to put this in real-world terms, think of it this way: over a Tour de France stage of 112 miles, the new lower headset bearing yields an overall size increase of .375 inches. And in a close finish, that bulbous carbon headtube can somehow mean the difference between winning and losing.

Now, granted, I didn’t ride the Tarmac SL2, but I was able to tell just by looking at the pictures that the carbon fiber construction and layup yielded a frame that was laterally stiff yet vertically compliant. The SRAM Red components not only shifted flawlessly, but they also outclassed both Dura Ace and Record since Force was already on the Dura Ace/Record level and so this is even better. (Those of you who have been waiting to make sure that SRAM gets more expensive before jumping on the bandwagon were wise to do so.) To put it simply, this bike climbs like a squirrel, descends like a greased squirrel on a luge, corners like a decagon, and accelerates like a methamphetamine-addicted rabbit. (Or like a Porsche being driven by a methamphetamine-addicted rabbit.) Overall, the effect of getting on this bike is like getting on one of those moving walkways in the airport--you feel like you’re going twice as fast, and you feel twice as smart as the idiots who didn’t bother getting on the walkway and just kept walking on the regular floor. And getting on any other bike afterwards is like when you get off the walkway and feel as though you’ve just stepped onto another planet with a completely different gravitational pull.

The Bottom Line

Buy It If: You want the best bike in the entire world.Don’t Buy It If: You’re an idiot.

Colnago Extreme Power

Alex Colnago says, "our approach for 2008 is [to] upgrade our graphics with most models," and it shows. As usual, Colnago engineers clearly asked themselves the hard questions, like: “How can we make this bike look better?;” “Where is Antonio the Intern with our lunchtime wine?;” and “How far from the thingy that the bars attach to should we put the thingy that the seat attaches to?” Just one look at the Extreme Power shows that they were able to answer all these questions and more.

Now, I didn’t ride the Colnago Extreme Power, but I looked at the Colnago website, which was full of poorly-translated English and a lot of Flash animation. I also rode lots of crappy bikes that were not the Colnago Extreme Power and possessed none of the attributes of the Colnago. Even the name of the bicycle itself told me most of what I needed to know, which is that if you either have or want to produce Extreme Power then this is the bike to ride. So I can say with complete assurance that the carbon fiber construction and layup yielded a frame that was laterally stiff yet vertically compliant. I can also say that this bike climbs like a monkey in a set of crampons, descends like a monkey in a set of crampons being dropped from a helicopter, handles corners like a prostitute, and accelerates like a particle in a particle accelerator that itself is just a tiny particle in a giant particle accelerator. Overall, the effect is like sitting in a caffe in a trendy Milan street while sipping a cappuccino and wearing fabulous clothes yet inexplicably traveling at or close to the speed of light. Pure Italian class.

The Bottom Line

Buy It If: You do the ordering for the entire table at Italian restaurants and regularly send the wine back.Don’t Buy It If: You don’t want to win races and you’re a loser.

Trek Madone

Trek engineers were finally liberated from the crippling constraints of seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong, whose irrational demands for a durable, comfortable, and practical road racing bike long prevented them from implementing the types of design improvements we real cyclists all long for—most important among them being larger head tube bearings, the elimination of pesky bottom brackets, and proprietary everything. The Madone is their ultimate achievement in fulfilling the new Trek mandate—to create a bicycle that cannot and will not accept any components manufactured by a company other than Trek.

Thanks to the wealth of diagrams and photographs that have accompanied the introduction of the new Madone, it was completely unnecessary for me to ride it, because it’s abundantly clear the carbon fiber construction and layup yielded a frame that was laterally stiff yet vertically compliant. More important though is the fact that Madone riders will no longer have to go to the bike shop when they have a problem with a noisy, rough, or sloppy bottom bracket. Rather, they will only have to go to the bike shop when they have a problem with their noisy, rough, or sloppy proprietary bottom bracket shell. And if you’ve ever owned a bike that takes a more-or-less standard seatpost size, you can relate to the frustrating and time-intensive process of choosing from among the vast array of posts available to you on the market. With the Madone, Trek have taken the choice away from you, so instead of agonizing over seatposts you can spend more time riding. But enough of all this technical jargon. The fact is that this bike climbs like a fever on a dumbwaiter, descends like a German U-boat, cuts corners like a UAW welder, and accelerates like a Fiat strapped to an ICBM. Overall, just knowing that you’re riding a bike that puts a pair of pedals, a seat, and some handlebars under you in a completely revolutionary way is enough to make you drive that much faster when you’ve got this baby strapped to the rear rack of your Honda Pilot.

The Bottom Line

Buy It If: You want to break the stranglehold of the World Bottom Bracket, Seatpost, and Headset Conspiracy.Don’t Buy It If: You can’t handle being a winner and don’t have what it takes to not suck.

165 comments:

Wow, every time you did the "climbs like a, descends like, corners like a, accelerates like a..." segment i laughed out loud.

I can also say that this bike climbs like a monkey in a set of crampons, descends like a monkey in a set of crampons being dropped from a helicopter, handles corners like a prostitute, and accelerates like a particle in a particle accelerator that itself is just a tiny particle in a giant particle accelerator.

Thank you for the informative article. I do have one slight correction: the Tarmac SL2's head tube bearing is actually an ample 12/32". I hate to see such a marvel's specs misrepresented, even when cast in such a flattering light.

"Handles corners like a prostitute." Diet Coke and Sun Chips, back wall of the office.

Bicycling really should quit showing bikes and just list the manufacturer name, bike model, and price. Maybe they should actually sort the bikes by price, now that I think about it, bike cost seems to be the essential fact for the editors. But you know who is really bad in exactly the same way? Outside Magazine. The cover from a couple months ago: "Win a $10,000 Bike!!!!"

A $10k bike? The tells me *nothing* other than the fact that the writer has warped values. "Win a custom Serotta" would be a fine headline. That's all about the bike. It would show that they understand. "Win a $10k custom Serotta," um, cool bike, bro, but you're making me a leeeetle nervous there Mr. Trump, with your golddiggin' chit-chat. But "Win a $10k bike?" Why not just have a contest, "Win $10,000" and leave the poor bike out of it? Look, if you eyeball a bike and the first thought that pops into your materialistic head is "hey, that's a nice $10k bike," then the bike probably doesn't want to be ridden by you anyhow, will probably retaliate if you try to ride it, and you should leave it alone. That's right, get back in your $37,525 Volvo, and drive back to your $725,000 home (4br, 4ba, good schools, gated comty, SRAM Red) and think about it.

Cripes, for all I could tell, the $10k Bike contest involved a powder coated Magna dual-suspension MTB fixie conversion listed on the local Craig's List by this guy who keeps parting out Dura Ace components... Hey, at least he's an honest crook.

The "I like ___ but don't like ___ soup" or whatever was inspired by a "Seinfeld" conversation. I do think those are the kinds of things Boonen muses about out loud when he's getting his post-ride massage.

please please please tell me that you actually sent this into Bicycling.

I hope they respond. Let us know if they do.

Ohhh, and I would like for a more in depth analysis on how a prostitute handles corners. Does that mean that the only way you get anywhere riding the bike is to put the bike into a BMW and drive off with a politician?

The sad truth here is that if any one of these were in Bicycling, nobody would be the wiser because this is exactly what their reviews sound like. They lost all credibility with me when the editor mentioned his new favorite type of pop-tart on the first page, and then I saw them advertised in the back. I knew it was a scam all along but they could at least make an effort. Stiff but compliant- just like their writers dish it out.

"I was able to tell just by looking at the pictures that the carbon fiber construction and layup yielded a frame that was laterally stiff yet vertically compliant."

"So I can say with complete assurance that the carbon fiber construction and layup yielded a frame that was laterally stiff yet vertically compliant."

"Thanks to the wealth of diagrams and photographs that have accompanied the introduction of the new Madone, it was completely unnecessary for me to ride it, because it’s abundantly clear the carbon fiber construction and layup yielded a frame that was laterally stiff yet vertically compliant."

BikeSnob, if you were a chick, your writing would leave me vertically stiff, yet laterally compliant, with an oversized bulbous headtube. Hey wait a minute, is all that marketing language supposed to be phallic?

F-ing awesome!That post was just what I needed to ease back into my (Hype n' Gouge followed by Pump n'Dump) job in the bicycle industry. I gotta get my rep on for Interbike and that review gave me several good talking points I can use on unsuspecting customers.

Bravo! Bravo! That's absolutely lovely. Please, please, please submit it to Buycycling, and after they send a rejection notice, post that here too.

They were on a kick last year(?) about the ineffective brakes on low-end and mid-line bikes. None of them were acceptable. Maybe they should ride in the rain with a 220 pound guy on a bike equipped fenders and baggage. All brakes work when you mash 'em hard enough. Wimps.

I met that hooker you referred to. She does indeed handle corners extremely well. Also, I can say with complete assurance that the carbon fiber construction and layup yielded a hooker that was laterally stiff yet vertically compliant.

She was better than the bike. But I've got to increase her spoke count as she has a tendency to get out of true pretty regularly.

That was some funny shi-ite. You nailed it good. Dr. Logan's 'laterally stiff and vertically compliant... like their writers...' also cracked me up.

The Tom Boonen channeling George Costanza bit made me go watch this Beavis-rides-the-tour video again. http://www.velonews.com/vntv/?Art_ID=1172And the intro ad for the Madone... that's a sweet bike, dude! It's all "tommoka tommoka, tommoka! And then it goes all 'weeeet'!"

I think the best(truest) part is leaving the decision to the Ad Sales Department. Nobody could ever believe there was any seperation of Advertising from Editorial there at Bicycling, their rankings are entirely on who shells out the most $$$ for advertising.

Good work... Especially on the madone- That bike(and their strong-arm tactics towards the independent dealers who made them the big company they've become) proves that trek has officially become the most evil company in the bicycle industry...

I'm shocked that you didn't include this high end bike in your shootout. The ad copy actually says "Carbon fiber absorbs road vibrations providing a smooth floating ride. At the same time, carbon fiber is a rigid material that maximizes the transfer of power from your pedaling to the wheels." I believe that translates to "laterally stiff yet vertically compliant."

I miss the days when you could buy a ten year old Reynolds orColumbus tubed ,Campy Nuovo Record equipped old race bike for a couple of hundred bucks,give it an overhaul and have something ,for all intents and purposes,identical to the latest and greatest!I still only ride steel and my own hand built wheels.

Carbon fiber construction and layup yielding a frame that is merely "laterally stiff yet vertically compliant" is soooo 1987! At Kestrel, we have long since moved on to yields of "laterally stiff, torsionally stiff AND vertically compliant" from our carbon fiber construction and layups.

BTW, I've passed your article on to a couple current and former Bicycling editors I know, so you should be hearing from them soon...

In case you missed the ad on the back of this month's CPlus in the UK, I quote (emphasis added): "The Zephyr's semi-compact dimensions and Titanium tubing create a vertically stiff, laterally compliant ride." It seems that the copy writer's brain has turned to mush from reading too much of his own work. This bike must be worth every one of its 1,621 pounds sterling.

But did any of them "disappear beneath you," or weren't you a Bicycling reader that far back?You get the silver. But SeeKay still holds the gold for his classic Generic Road Test of a few decades back.I vaguely recall once writing something like "calling this bike squirrelly would be an insult to rodents everywhere."Beers to you,John Kukodathe Original Uncle Knobby

I think I wrote the flat tire fix article a dozen and a half times for Bicycling and Mountain Bike before I ran out of fresh adjectives. Charlie Kelly said there's only about 50,000 total words you can write about bicycling. It ain't rocket science. Uncle Knobby's right. Even the gag road test article has become cliche. I wrote mine posing as Zap's cousin, Serape Espadrille, when I tested the titanium bike I built for myself at United Bicycle Institute. Now, if you could write a gag article about gag road test articles, that'd be fresh. Is the bar getting lower or higher? I think I just confused myself. Carry on.

The people who write and publish this magazine have to serve their advertising masters.

The guy who figured out how to make a ghetto fixed gear conversion (for around $10) is a master mechanic and a retiree who spends a lot of his time teaching others how to do things with bicycles few have the courage to try. He is doing because he really likes bikes.

Finally, reviews on $8000 bikes that make sense. Snobby, please review the $2000-$4000 Zipp wheels, I'm so impressed with he dimple technology I've taken a ball peen hammer to everything I own to make it more aero.

Helmet mirrors, Primal jerseys, and carbon fiber...sure signs of fredliness.Captain Dondo? Was that another Rodale employee who disappeared without a trace?Imagine the cunning it takes be a long time mainstream bicycle journalist.I wouldn't last a minute.

You sir, are a genius. I have been very concerned about the international underground seatpost, headset, and bottom bracket conspiracy. Thank you so much for telling me what I, a common man, can do to avoid it.

Hilarious satire, and spot on. Change for the sake of change and for commercial gain is total BS.

WRT Bicycling Rag, a few years ago they recommended that wheel rims should *not* be oiled to cure a squeaking brake. Huh? Gee, thanks for that heady advice. Actually, it kind of pissed me off because it certainly saved a few "Darwins" that we'd all be better off without.

Fuel is the adrenaline of any car, truck or engine. Thus, it is every vehicle owner's wish to enhance the fuel of their car and save more of it as well. With this in mind, the most innovative fuel-saving tool in the automotive industry was conceptualized and created: the Tornado Fuel saver. An automotive air channeling tool that creates a swirling air motion, the Tornado Fuel Saver allows the air to move in a faster and more efficient way by whirling air around corners and bends. Hence, more fuel is saved.

OMFG LMAO : " ... the lower head tube bearing is now 3/8” larger, yielding a measurable increase of 6/16” over last year’s model. If it helps to put this in real-world terms, think of it this way: over a Tour de France stage of 112 miles, the new lower headset bearing yields an overall size increase of .375 inches ... "

I have used Trek Madone and I must say that it is a great bike. I also make sure that if I will do an emergency break, I see to it that use my arms to brace against the deceleration and that I should keep my weight at still.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!