Bre - Boyfriend troubles and more

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So I've dealt with a lot since before Christmas.
I broke up with my boyfriend and when I did, he tried to kill himself on camera.
He almost overdosed but he threw it up. He recently texted me too. He texted me a whole paragraph basically saying that he only "loved" me because he didn't want to be alone.
He used me for his own benefit and I loved him with all my heart.I still can't hate him though. I hate what he did but I can't hate him.
I hate it but it's true. On top of that, my cousin died on New Years.
He was found in the woods dead. He was hanging...He was found hanging from a tree. I knew him pretty well and it hurts.. My heart hurts so much...I feel so utterly broken and I just want to end it all...
I want that more than anything right now. I want to but I'm too scared to. I'm to scared to hurt anyone...I don't want to hurt the ones I love but I feel more scattered and hurt then I have in a long time.
I feel more broken.. I just hate it all. All the pain, heartache, the numbness...I just don't know what to do anymore...