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Author
Topic: "300" My own Spartan war (Read 5567 times)

I've been sick for the past week and a half, and today I can't hear very well. I can't equalize the pressure in my head and it's starting to drive me crazy.

On Saturday, I was feeling better. In fact, I went to the movies with my ex-boyfriend. It was the first in days, of many, that I actually felt like existing. So, when my ex-boyfriend asked me to the movies, I absolutely found myself without the power to say 'no'. (to be fair, he asked me in that Dolly Levi reluctant sort of way - in fact I think the phone call went like this:

Me: "Hello?"Richard: "Hello, it's Richard!"Me: "My dear Richard, how are you? And, how lovely it is for you to call me on such a wonderous day asking to take me to the movies, you're so very thoughtful; and dinner? Oh, my word! How can I possibly say no to such a fine offer from a fine man? You charm me- and yes, I'll be ready for you to pick me up at 1."Richard: "but I was only returning your call..."Me: "Why I couldn't possibly spend the night, with you..."Richard: "But I didn't ask"Me: "What? you expect me to ask you?!! You've got another thing coming! Why Mr. Perez, what on EARTH would the neighbors think? Heavens no! Just a movie and dinner. That's all I'll allow you to commit me to. Now, I've got another call, I'll be waiting at 1 pm not a moment later." Richard: “Bu…”...CLICK.)

Surprisingly, Richard always falls victim to my Dolly Levi routine, and rarely has he ever told me 'No' without severe penalties and consequences. One time he asked me to go bowling with him, but then in a Sustiva haze he forgot to call me the next day, and went without me. When I inquired, he told me that he "thought he called me". Well, he still hasn't lived that one down and probably never will, if I have anything to do with it... but I digress....

So, we went to the movies, and nothing, truly inspired me. Unfortunately, I was in a bad mood. And immediately, upon arrival at the Metreon Theater, I wanted to set fire to the hoard of prepubescent Asian girls who kept screaming at the top of their lungs. They all were dressed the same, and had the same haircut. This made it difficult to recognize that they were growing in number at an exponential rate, and started to piss me off. I hate it when people jump in line ahead of me. I began to breathe deeply.

“Calm down,” Richard said, recognizing within me the point at which I am liable to come unglued, and overtly “off-at-the handle”.

We selected the movie ‘300’ which had immeasurable amounts of exceptionally hot men with barren torsos and rough-and-tumble demeanors. We chose this movie by mistake, but it actually was a good choice. At the beginning of the movie, I imagined Richard as one of the gladiators, but when I turned to look at him, he was shoving fistfuls of buttery popcorn into his mouth. My image of him ruined, I silently took the large bag of half-eaten popcorn out of his lap and moved it to the empty seat next to me.

“No, you didn’t.”

Without a word to dignify his protest, I then reached over and pinched his belly.

We sat in silence, stink-eye between us, movie still playing.

Now, it’s important to know that I tend to be vocal and assertive when I find myself in any situation where my rights are threatened. Or when I feel that someone else’s rights are being violated. I’m just wired that way. It’s what I do.

So… during the first 15 minutes of the movie, there was a woman, one row behind me and several seats over, who kept clapping and shouting during inappropriate times of the film. I dismissed her overly excited enjoyment the first couple of times, but, since my ears were clogged and I haven’t been able to hear clearly for the last week and a half, I theatrically turned in her direction giving her a visual cue that the vocalization of her excitement was annoying others. When settled on the ruckus, my eyes were immediately assaulted by the ill-fried-pork-chop orange color of her misshapen afro-puffed coif.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT YOU HONKEY FAGGOT MOTHERFUCKER?”

Richard looked at me. I know he did. I could feel it through the back of my head, just as easily as I felt him slip deeper into his seat. A fever of rage overcame me, and as the audience turned to see what was going on, I heard a gasp of tension mount.

Suddenly, finding myself standing up from my seat, I felt Richard’s hands pulling at my arm as the words of a repressed and nasty drag queen found themselves so effortlessly and heavily rolling from deep within the recesses of the self-loathing faggot held in contempt from deep within me.

“I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I’M LOOKIN’ AT YOU NAPPY HEADDED BITCH! I’M LOOKIN’ AT SOME CRACKED-OUT-COCONUT HEADED WELFARE MOMMA, WHO SHOULD HAVE FOUND HERSELF A DIFFERENT MOVIE TO WATCH WHERE THE HONKEY FAGGOT MOTHERFUCKERS SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS TRIPPIN WITH WERE SMOKIN’ SOME OF HER SAME CRACK AND ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THE FUCK SHE WAS CLAPPIN AND CHEERIN’ AT. THAT’S WHAT I’M LOOKIN’ AT!”

Just then, it was as if an army of Spartan Honkey Faggot Motherfuckers were on my side, and an ocean of applause peppered with sporadic lifeboats of appropriate shaming filled the audience. This continued until the woman with the ill-fated afro picked up her cell phone and began calling someone (whom I assumed would care), as she made her way down the row and to the theater’s exit. I don’t know what she was saying because I still couldn’t hear very well, especially over the laughter and applause. I felt Richard slip farther into his seat.

After the movie, Richard took me home, and skipped dinner entirely. I’m gonna call him later today, but only after I can hear better. And, after I come down from the rush of endorphins still filling me from the people who waited after the movie in order to thank me…

Must have been the movie. When we went we had a douchebag yelling at the screen as well. Along with Mr. Drunk Passed out guy 5 rows in front of us.

It was irritating to say the least. The level of douchebaggery present in the general populace astounds even me sometimes!

Logged

LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safelyin a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT ARIDE!!!