Hola!My last post was terribly emo, and I was really feeling it. I had a massive cry and then someone killed themselves at lidcomb station and I felt better. How horrible is that? But it's true, it didn't put things into perspective or anything profound, to be honest (and ridiculous) it felt like the negative energy transferred out through that act. I know that's retarded, heaps of people die every second and to think that this specific person dying took the bad vibes away is stupid but I think it was more that I felt relieved that at least someone did something. I'm pretty sure that's not very nice of me or something, but it is what it is. Plus by that point about 3 hours of my wallowing in self-hatred and pity had gone by, the suicide jolted me into neutral.

Then I went to lazer tag.
I slept really well last night, i felt way better today. Work was no longer unbearable and things flew by, Joel's talk really helped with the whole appreciating it again thing.

Appreciating work is hard in kind of a wierd way. So the reason I'm supposed to appreciate my job is because Im making a direct difference in someone's life, they're sick and I help them get better or at least die in as least a painful way as possible. The reason I lose that appreciation is because I feel most of the time like it's too boastful and arrogant to think that I'm that important. Someone else could do my job too, and many other people do. I'm no different, I don't have special powers and what I'm doing is only being done because someone else decided that's what should be done. And im not even just saying the doctors, because in the end, they've just learnt this shit at uni just like I did. But I mean the researchers, the people who put in the hard work to figure this shit out, they're the ones who should be praised.
So it becomes difficult for me, like I shouldn't take credit for someone else's work. I do this for so many patients that it doesn't feel special. I'm not going above and beyond in any way, I'm doing what is supposed to be done.

anyway...i don't care right now.

I mostly just came here to blog to say I'm not so hysterically depressed anymore. =)

Oh and I went to melbourne like 3 weeks ago =S
Time flies..it makes me sad.
SO much has happened this year. So many changes it's amazing and scary.

I can't get over the idea of friends, just how crazy it is that at one point that person didn't mean anything to you, that you didn't know them and wouldn't have EVER told them certain things, or shared specific experiences with them. Like boyfriends, that's even wierder. Mostly because everyone I've ever dated has been someone i met and like a week later they're my partner and we've bypassed the 'getting to know you' phases of friendship and straight into full blown attachment and openness.O.o Why doesn't that happen as quickly with other people, it doesn't really make sense. It might for you, because you probably take your time with your romantic interests but if I can go from nothing to ALL in a few days with one person, why can't i speed up getting to know acquaintances who will one day become friends.

I think that picture is fairly accurate in describing how I feel right now.
I went out last night, I'm tired and groggy...and now I'm up so I feel like shit. Last night was unpleasant.
I haven't felt so shit at a party in years. Actually I don't think I can remember ever having felt so crap at a party. Lol I mean, I've had ugly shit happen to me at parties but that was just drama, this was like...demoralizing and confidence killing. Yeah, actually that's never happened before. I've never like, not been able to look at people in their eyes before. Pathetic...
Lol welcome back to reading my blog =P
I've wanted to post for ages but haven't had anything nice to share in ages, looks its going to keep heading that way *sigh* I don't like being stuck in this state of mind. It's worse because I don't really see an out right now.
Some of last night wasn't the worst. I got to talk to Joel a bit and he really helped remind me why I do like my job. The last couple days at work I've been so drained. Its too fucking soon to be burnt out! It hasn't even been 6 months and I still have to do this for the next couple decades. But other stuff that went down is dragging me down so much that I don't even care about work now.
The whole work thing is hard though, I'm still trying to adjust to this whole concept of full time..like as in forever =S I'm always so tired and distracted when I'm out with people if I have work the next day. Im so fucking scared of fucking up, there's so much I still don't know and the potential for fcking up is ridiculously high. I haven't epicly so far and like...I'm so fucking lucky. I've got the most supportive staff working by my side and telling me im doing well but u know, never good enough. There's so much damage I can do if I fuck up, too much pressure.
Then there's the whole deal of like, feeling like your missing out when you know your friends are out and you can't go. I feel so ungrounded.
Last night was so ugh. I hate even giving any of this a second thought, like any of it fucking matters. Like there's not bigger things to worry about =.=
Weak.
I haven't felt so 'other' in the longest time. Like being me wasn't okay. Not that I want to be like them, but I would appreciate it if they didn't shun me for it. It makes me grateful to have friends like Kurt and Joel who really do accept me for me. But fuck ={ shattered me...by the end of the night I was so ... Just...ugh pathetic and weak and lame. I was so fucking self conscious. I couldn't talk to anyone. There were a few people who came and sat in our dark little corner round the side of the house (because yes, that's the only place I felt safe) and were actually willing to engage but by that point I was so unsteady I couldn't do anything more than laugh at jokes and keep no eye contact at all or couldn't even answer direct questions. Seriously...the few times we wondered out into the main area I felt so retarded. I couldn't stand up straight, I looked so uncomfortable. I was like using the guys as shields pretty much, all I wanted to do was hide. ={
I'm ashamed of myself. I know I should have pushed past the insecurities and shit but I took a pretty big beating at the start of the night and it just went downhill from there.
So many things don't make sense to me. People in general I guess. But especially last night. Females in general confuse me, there was a sexy nurse, a sexy cat, a sexy kitty, a sexy pussy cat and a sexy native American Indian. No probs there, but talking to them was difficult. Generally vacant. But from what I see, guys really love that. But they must play it up, like...is that just, ah fuck it why am I even going here. It's so hard talking to people about interesting things that are legitimately engaging. I feel like it only ever happens with Joel now.
That boy is so smart, so ..Alive. He cares about shit. He actually tries to make a difference. Lol I wish I was half as un-complacent. Less desensitized and generally less apathetic, just like the rest of the fucking population. He really is special, I haven't really come across anyone else like him.
People can be so bland sometimes.
I don't like where my life is headed.
I don't know how to change it. So much major change is still happening, the dust hasn't even settled.
This was a waste of time.
I'm sorry.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

So one day I was hanging out with Kurt and we realised that there are some pretty wacky sayings in the spanish language.
Each Spanish speaking country has their own sayings, metaphors and similies but these are a few that I have collected over the last year or so.
Every time I hear my mum or grandma say a new one I text Kurt XD It has become somewhat of a little tradition for me now =]

Saying: La negrita astuta vende fruta.Direct Translation: The (Astute, cunning, sly, crafty, fraudulent) cute/little black girl sells fruit.Meaning: This saying is said as a sort of warning that you are/someone else is a cocktease

Saying: No calientes el agua (si no vas a tomar té)Direct Translation: Don't heat the water if you're not going to drink teaMeaning: This is also a sort of warning to someone who is being a cocktease. Kind of like, don't flirt and lead someone on if you have no intention of hooking up with them. It is also a play on words because in Spanish (Chilean at least) the word calentar (to heat) is also used informally as a way to say 'make horny'. So 'estoy caliente' = I'm hot BUT it means I'm horny. If you wanted to say I'm hot (because of the weather) you would say 'tengo calor'

Saying:Buscarle la quinta pata al gatoDirect Translation:To look for the 5th leg of the cat Meaning: Looking for problems when there clearly aren't any in that situation, so you're over thinking it and overcomplicating yourself.

Saying: Para ser bella hay que ver estrellasDirect Translation: To be beautiful you have to see starsMeaning: I'm guessing this is a fairly old saying because my grandad said it to me once, I kind of fell in love with this little rhyme/mantra. It means that no pain is too great to endure in order to look your best, this particularly refers to women having to wear painful shoes (stilettos) because it makes their legs look hot, wearing tight clothing to show off curves, waxing, plucking, dying hair, and I suppose nowadays you could extend that into getting cosmetic surgery. Just to clarify, my grandad wasn't a dick, I remember the saying coming up because we were watching a show with really attractive women and I was in awe of them and he explained that constructed superficial beauty comes at a price =) Oh and if you don't get the imagery, it's based on seeing "stars" when you hit your head/get dizzy, like if you've ever seen the cartoon representation of stars around the head when they get hit.

*To be continued

To Do.

Here's a list of some of the things I would like to do or accomplish or places I want to visit in my lifetime =]

* I have already been there, done that or started to read that but would like to do it again or complete the task
-- The task is completed and I don't feel the need to do a repeat