REGRETS? I'VE HAD A FEW THOUSAND

It's easy to feel sorry for England's Brave and Loyal John Terry. The doubters say EBLJT is a bottler but the fact is that when he really needs to convert a penalty in a top Ch ... Hang on, we'll start again. The doubters say EBLJT can't control his bladder but the fact is that he's never relieved himself on a nightclub dance floo ... Right. Sorry. We'll get it right this time. The doubters say EBLJT doesn't know how to treat his friends but the fact is that the Fiver would happily leave its imaginary girlfri ... Look. EBLJT's all right and at least he doesn't bear a grudge over Fabio Capello stripping him of the England captaincy.

"I said to Fabio I would continue to train and play exactly as I had before," sobbed EBLJT in an interview with The Daily Heil, "then we shook hands and that was it." Good on you, EBLJT. Now that you've said that we can all move on from the incident and concentrate on how Chelsea will cope with only one fit senior centre-ba ...

"I suppose the only time I felt disappointed was during the next game against Egypt," he sobbed, doing that chewy-lipped thing he does when he's sad, "which was a friendly, and the armband got passed around between five or six players." Right. Well you said it's over with, so no doubt we can discuss how Chelsea are now after a West Brom centre-back to cover for yo ...

"Had I got the armband third, even fourth, I would have been happy. But Steven Gerrard was captain and first he went off, then Frank Lampard got it, and then Lamps went off and they gave it to Gareth Barry, and then he went off and it was anybody's," said the fully grown father of two as he described who got to wear a bit of red cloth. "And anyway, none of them can come to my birthday party now and it's my computer and none of you can play with it. Go away I hate you, I hate you, I hate you," he didn't add.

Still, EBLJT reckons the doctors may be getting to the root of the nerve problem that has kept him sidelined. "The good news is that none of the specialists believe it is related to my back injury, so now we go from there." And if there's one thing he's good at, it's looking forwards.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Clearly these hours are not compatible with the lifestyle of an athlete" – the Milan coach Massimiliano Allegri appears to have mistaken Ronaldinho, photographed leaving a restaurant in Milan after 2am last night, for an athlete.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Can I be the first of a handful of pedants to pick a gaping hole in Graham Saunders' argument (in yesterday's letters) that Avram Grant did nothing at Chelsea. He took them to Big Cup final, for pity's sake. Even the world's most over-qualified interpreter José Mourinho couldn't manage that. Grant might not be fit for the job but he actually went to West Ham with pretty good references. And I'm sticking up for him despite being a Spurs fan, so he must be doing something right" – Jim Ranger.

"Er, was that the Fiver being serious and earnest about the Fifa corruption yesterday? It made me feel a little weird. Rampant cycnicism only in future please" – Mark Jelbert.

"Smiths references and Capello's poor choice of hat ... but then, the article and familiar disappointment. The Fiver's all too England these days" – Malcolm Tent.

BITS AND BOBS

Wayne Rooney could be on the bench for Manchester United against Wigan this weekend, but will definitely get a run-out for the reserve team on Wednesday. "He will play [in Big Cup] against Rangers," tootled Lord Ferg.

Jermain Defoe has recovered from ankle-knack a month ahead of schedule and may play for Spurs against Arsenal tomorrow. "It's great," cheered 'Arry Redknapp.

That minor seismic activity in Lancashire was probably Jack Walker turning in his grave after Blackeye Rovers were sold to the Indian chicken company Venky's for £23m.

And with both $tevie Mbe and Jay Spearing out injured, Lucas Leiva suspended and Mavis the tea lady and Bob the kitman unavailable for selection, Nice Roy Hodgson may be forced to play Christian Poulsen in Liverpool's midfield against West Ham tomorrow.

England look lost in time, but unlike Marty McFly in Back to the Future, running around a lot with youthful exuberance won't save them, says Richard Williams, kind of, but with bigger words and better points.