Megan Fox is beautiful. I must save bombshells like her from extinction

Deep in her house, I am entertaining actress Megan Fox with a little story about human sacrifice.

I tell her about how the ancient Aztecs
used to pick a perfect man to live among them as a god. He would be beautiful,
fit and healthy, with ideal proportions, like Russell Crowe before the bloat.

Megan Fox is enraptured by what I’m telling her. I know
this because she’s gazing at me with her eyes all glassy in contemplation, and
her mouth open with questions on the tip of her tongue. I like how she looks.
If she spoke, I think those questions would have been quite something.

Fox had earlier been telling me about how being famous is
really, really hard. She's sitting on a sofa in workout clothes. I am
completely shocked at the realisation that the sweat patches from her armpits
are completely symmetrical.

But that was nothing compared to the moment I realised just how symmetrical her face is up close. I fainted. When I came to, I
was shocked again when I realised that Megan Fox had two holes on the
end of her nose, and that these holes are of the exact same width. I know this
because she let me measure them.

Megan
Fox is a beautiful monument like the Taj Mahal. It is only a matter of time
before the Duchess of Cambridge is photographed sitting in front of her,
looking sad. Even her eyes are exactly the same
colour. The eyebrow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, or a maze I
could get lost in only to be plucked out by the tweezer of reality.

She is flawless.

I put a cushion
on my lap to steady my dictaphone.

Megan Fox is a
bombshell. To be a bombshell in 2013 is to be like an old-world relic, like
movie palaces, fountain pens or HMV. Bombshells once used to roam the world like
dinosaurs with perfect breasts, but then the ice age came and they died. I want
to save Megan Fox from the ice age. I throw
a blanket at her. She doesn’t notice. The idea of bombshells like Megan Fox under
threat disturbs me.

Feminism and
degradation both played their part in destroying these bombshells. If you want
to see half naked women, it's a click away and on the front cover of this
magazine, so it happens.

But the problem
is that women no longer need to be beautiful in order to express their talent. Lurgey
Girl Lena Dunham, Fatty Adele, Lady Specsavers and Amy Grizzly Adams (I spit here
at the mention of those mingers) are all perfectly, pleasantly plain - and yet
they actually get work!

Megan is preparing for the end of times by studying the Bible.

"I've
read the Bible," Megan Fox says. "I don’t get it. I mean, she’s
pregnant right? And there were no vacancies at the Inn, right? Were the
hospitals all closed or something?
Couldn’t they have gone to ER?"

My God she’s
beautiful. She's much more comfortable talking about God than her career. Beautiful,
feminine, curvaceous and religious, she is the exact opposite of Richard
Dawkins.

"When
war breaks out in the Holy Land, like now, if that is a sign the world is
ending, then what are the other signs? Is it the internet or fame itself or
celebrity? If I trend on Twitter, does that mean I’m the antichrist or the
second coming?"

My God she’s
beautiful.

I put another
cushion on my lap to steady my dictaphone.

Megan Fox had
tried to escape from her fate as a sex symbol. She played a man eating monster
in Jennifer's
Body, the most criminally underrated film since Citizen Kane.

But she doesn't want to be famous anymore. I know this because she told me.

Beautiful.

I remove the cushions from my lap
and switch off my Dictaphone. Megan Fox, American bombshell, takes my hand, walks
me to the door and leaves to attend to her newborn son. Her son is called Noah.
In the ancient story of the flood, Noah rescues animals from extinction by
building an enormous Ark.

This gives
me an idea.

*as imagined by Victoria Wright, following the real interview with Megan Fox featured in Esquire magazine this month

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