Supreme Court

‘We Meant What We Said,’ Says Blood-Covered Senate Leader

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the president had been warned about naming a justice during an election year, a defiant Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly held up the severed head of Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland this afternoon while standing in front of the Capitol building.

WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2.

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

WASHINGTON—Having followed the media coverage surrounding his nomination to the Supreme Court, 63-year-old appeals court judge Merrick Garland reported Thursday that he is actually pretty uncomfortable with the number of political analysts who have been casually pointing out that he will die relatively soon.

WASHINGTON—Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday.

WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme Court bench Tuesday and delivered a final knockout blow to Stephen Breyer to retain the title of Chief Justice.

WASHINGTON—Following decades of debate over the constitutional right to same-sex marriage, the U.S. Supreme Court today handed down a 5-4 ruling in favor of the most buck-wild, balls-to-the-wall gay pride parade this country has ever seen.

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision making same-sex marriage legal nationwide, sources confirmed Friday that only 47,000 social justice milestones need to be reached before the U.S. achieves full equality.

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate.

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of declining performance within the nation’s highest judicial body, the Supreme Court announced Thursday that it has sent a struggling Associate Justice Samuel Alito down to a lower federal court.

WASHINGTON—Anxiously anticipating the Supreme Court’s decision on the issue, the nation was reportedly on edge Wednesday as it waited to see whether the court would legalize gay marriage now or in a few years.

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming a deeply traditionalist definition of the institution of matrimony, Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito issued a statement Monday declaring that marriage can only strictly exist between a man and the tempestuous sea.

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the U.S. Supreme Court opted today to leave the ultimate decision on whether homosexuals should be allowed to marry in the more than capable hands of states such as Texas, Alabama, and Georgia.

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...

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Disgusted Supreme Court Can't Believe It Has To Rule Having Sex With American Flag Protected Under First Amendment

Justices say the fact they even have to use the phrase "flag-based self-pleasuring" is a disgrace.

Justices say the fact they even have to use the phrase "flag-based self-pleasuring" is a disgrace.

WASHINGTON—U.S. Supreme Court justices expressed unqualified disgust Tuesday after ruling that fornication with the American flag is an act of free speech protected by the First Amendment.

Writing that the 8-1 decision was "necessary, but it's really just unbelievable that it's come to this," Chief Justice John Roberts concluded in his majority opinion that the constitutionally guaranteed freedom of expression necessarily extends to individuals "committing unspeakable and abominable acts" with the flag.

The American flag, which the nation’s judicial branch had to picture being made love to.

"It is incumbent upon this court to protect all forms of speech, regardless of their popularity, and regardless of whether they involve some sick, twisted human being defiling the enduring symbol of our great nation," Roberts wrote. "I honestly cannot believe I have been put in a position where I have to say something like this, but yes, if you actually want to wrap the American flag around your erect penis and rub vigorously in an effort to bring yourself to orgasm, the First Amendment gives you that right."

"Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you people?" Roberts added.

Tuesday's case, Erickson v. The United States, began when Rockland, MD resident Trevor Erickson, 31, filed suit following his arrest last November for having sex with an American flag in his backyard. Roberts wrote that while the majority "agreed wholeheartedly with the spirit" of the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals' ruling against Erickson, it was nonetheless compelled to overturn the decision so as to avoid creating a dangerous precedent.

"Unfortunately, we are charged with upholding the First Amendment even when it means defending the most godawful, depraved thing you ever heard of someone doing in your entire life," said Roberts, addressing the court. "As much as we would love to say, 'No, you human pile of excrement, you absolutely cannot fuck the American flag,' it simply would not be consistent with the basic tenets upon which this nation was founded."

Oral arguments for the case were reportedly interrupted several times as justices hurled scathing insults at the plaintiff and, in one incident, when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg attempted to jump the bench and physically assault Erickson.

According to sources, Roberts took the opportunity to make the language of the ruling very specific, largely because the justices agreed in a closed-door session that they never again in their lifetimes wanted to preside over a similar case.

"And just to get this out of the way, once and for all: You can cram the American flag into your vagina or your ass or both at the same time, you can use it to strangle yourself while you masturbate, and you can shit and throw up all over the flag and then have sex with the shit-and-vomit-covered flag while flipping off a bald eagle," Roberts said. "I dearly hope I haven't left anything out, but in case I have, just assume the Constitution permits whatever foul act of flag desecration you sick fucks can conjure up."

"Also, in the state of Nevada, you can hire two menstruating prostitutes to perform oral sex with each other on top of the American flag while you watch and inject a huge volume of saline solution into your scrotum," Roberts continued. "That is absolutely all I am going to say about this. Thank you."

The single dissenting vote came from Justice Anthony Kennedy, who in his two-sentence dissenting opinion—the shortest in the history of the court—said "I can't do this anymore. It's destroying me."

Some Americans, however, expressed joy upon hearing news of the ruling.

"What a great day for our country," Portland, OR resident David Reston said as he gingerly fed an American flag into his anus while spitting on a small bronze representation of the Statue of Liberty. "This is exactly what the framers of the Constitution intended."