First Mover in Montgomery: Bad Advice with Bad Barrington

I’m a 36-year-old man who has been married for over 10 years. My wife and I have a good relationship overall but what drives me crazy is that she refuses to initiate sex. We have sex about once a week but I’m always the one who gets it going. We’ve talked about it and she says that she will try but she never does. How can I get my wife to make the first move?

— First Mover in Montgomery

Dear MOVER,

Some might look at your problem and say, “You have mismatched libidos. You’re screwed.” And while sometimes it is about desire, more often than not, it’s about memory. Let me explain.

In the Barrington home, Mrs. Bad loads the dishwasher and starts it. I’m supposed to unload it. But, for some reason, I just can’t remember to do it. I walk by it all day and the thought just doesn’t pop into my head to flip the latch and see if the dishes are dirty or clean. It’s not that I don’t want to unload the dishes or that unloading the dishes is a painful experience. My mind just doesn’t even go there. MOVER, unloading the dishwasher is sex to your wife.

Now that may sound like a problem that is hardwired into your wife and can only be changed by reprogramming some neurotransmitters. But you’re in luck, MOVER, because I have an easy, non-medical solution and I’m happy to share it with you.

Mrs. Bad used to get so angry at me for this dishwasher thing. In fact, once after discovering that I had failed to unload the dishwasher, she smashed every sparkling dish on the kitchen floor. However, soon after we discovered the secret. If Mrs. Bad just opened the dishwasher door slightly, I’d notice it and unload the dishes. She wasn’t nagging me or begging me or doing it herself. It was a subtle reminder that clicked my brain into gear.

MOVER, you need to open the dishwasher door to your wife’s mind. The easiest way is to just leave your fly open all of the time. If that makes you uncomfortable then I’d suggest giving her a subtle, almost imperceptible reminder that sex is on the table. Yes, MOVER, I’m suggesting that you poke her with your penis. Not a hard poke. Not a whip it out and thrust it at her poke. Just a subtle tap, through your clothes, into the side of her leg or a buttock. Mornings are a great time for this since you’ll probably wake up with an erection and your wife will be asleep so you can snuggle up next to her and poke away. You can also sneak up behind her when she’s making lunch. Or just lean against her while you’re watching TV. You may think it’s not working because her reaction will be to scoot away from you. But subconsciously, each poke will be a little reminder that her husband is open to some action.

I know it may be hard to keep an erection so that you can properly poke her throughout the day so I’d advise using some sort of erection dysfunction medicine. I think you’ll find that, having been properly poked, your wife will start thinking about sex on her own and will start initiating with you like crazy.