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Saturday, March 21, 2015

Join my new campaign: "I don't judge mothers."

Here
is how it all started. One day I was in the park with my darling children when
I noticed my 2 year old daughter, red cheeks and a bored expression. She was
eyeing a 12 month old baby, who apparently had just been introduced to walking.
I knew what was coming. Should I close my eyes? Before I could stop her, she was
charging like a bull to red. He had no chance and was on the floor with my
grinning daughter standing by his side. The mother of the baby rushed to her
child’s side while I grabbed my daughter’s wrist, and told the mother I was
sorry. It hurt me seeing my daughter act with no compassion, but it hurt even
more when the mother asked me, “Do you discipline your child?”

I
was talking to a friend about what had happened, and she responded confidently,
“Well, I don’t judge mothers.” She then proceeded to tell me a story about how
she was by a swimming pool, and a little boy pulled off his swimming diaper and
started “pooing” on the side of the pool. One of her friends said, “Gross! How
could his mother let that happen!” A different mom then said, “Well, I don’t
judge mothers. I’m a mother and I know how hard it is sometimes.” My friend
ended her story by telling me that after that day she decided not to judge
another mother.

Honestly,
people should just try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but mothers,
we are the easy targets. Have you ever had a completely random stranger come up
to you and tell you, “put a hat on your baby”? Of course you have! How about,
“You’re baby is hungry”? Definitely! Why do strangers care? It is not their
baby. The fact is children are vulnerable and often helpless. People feel it’s
their responsibility to step-in and help an apparently clueless mother.

Why
do they think we are clueless? First of all, we may actually be clueless, but
the fact is that most people can practice self-control over their embarrassing
habits, their indulgences, their phobias and the like. Children do not practice
any self-control. None. They don’t harbor any sense of embarrassment when it
comes to their desires, regardless of how many people are watching. Just an
example from today, a friend of mine’s daughter was running around the park
without underwear or pants. The mother was mortified. Her 2 year old did not care
at all. No shame my friend, no shame. In sum, mothers’ must bear the
humiliation for their children’s impulsive actions.

Additionally,
being a mother is hard, and life could get very hectic. Mothers are not perfect.
We sometimes yell. We sometimes give-in to tantrums. We sometimes give our children animal crackers for dinner. We
sometimes dress our children in mismatched socks. You know what? IT IS OKAY!
The children will survive. They will grow up being functional human beings.
Life will go on. Before you have children, though, you really don’t and can’t
get it. I remember always judging my older sister’s parenting. I knew that when
I would be a mother I was going to be soooo much better! Now, I have seen the light!

Suppose
you are a mother and you have everything under control or almost under control.
(Is that even possible?) Well, please bear in mind, dear mother, everyone’s
circumstances are different. Finances may look different, family support may be
different, and children’s temperaments’ may be different. Even a mother’s
tolerance level may be very different! It’s all very hard to know what each
mothers’ specific situation may be. I used to live a 5 minute drive away from
my doting mother, and let me tell you, it’s a lot harder living a 10 hour plane
ride away! Now I could finally relate to my old neighbors who were living
without any nearby family. Bottom line, you can never compare yourself or your
children to another person. Everyone’s
situation is so vastly different.

When
a mother is going through a rough moment with a child, they just want a kind
friend. They want you to tell them that their child’s crazy behavior is totally
normal and that they are doing a phenomenal job. They want you to infuse some
humor into the situation. When my friend’s daughter was running around the park
without panties, a woman walked past and said, “I’m going to go tell my boys
that there is a cute blond in the park .” In the moment, my friend was stressed
that her daughter would not cooperate with getting dressed. The woman’s comment
showed that she was not judging, and she even made it humorous.

Let
us be a friend to a mother, a helping-hand to a mother, and a shoulder to lean
on for a mother. Please do not be a source of stress, a source of frustration,
and a source of guilt. Don’t be that man in the store who says “tsk tsk” while
a mother wrestles a pack of sour sticks out of her child’s hand. Don’t be that
old lady in the park, who says “My children never kvetched when they were his
age.” Don’t be that friend who says, “You must be so bored at home all day.” Or
the friend who says, “How do you leave your child at day care all day?” Just be
a friend, no judging. And the next time someone tries to speak negatively about
another mother to you, just shrug and say, “I don’t judge other mothers”

Disclaimer:
There are mothers that exist in the world who are legitimately not good
mothers. These are mothers who are abusive to their children in anyway (sexual
or physical) and/or are neglectful of their children’s basic needs (shelter,
clothing, and/or food). If you know of children who are being abused by a
parent in any of the above ways, be judgmental, and contact your local child
protective services.

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I used to be a full-time working mom with practically no time to patchke (Yiddish word for playing around) in the kitchen. Then one fateful day we picked up and moved to Israel, so my husband could attend medical school in Tel-Aviv (true story:))! Now I am repenting from my past and becoming a real expert in the kitchen (or trying..)! So come join me as I navigate the kitchen in my new home in Israel!