Thursday, February 15, 2007

Have you ever noticed that when a person says, “I don’t mean to be racist but…”the next thing they say is always the most extremely offensive racist thing you have heard in a long time.For example, I don’t mean to be racist but Asians need to be deported back to their own counties where they can make me more Hollister tops. Speaking of Hollister tops, if you like those, Abercrombie & Fitch and wearing flip flops during the winter, there is approximately a 100% chance that I do not like you, probably because of your various character flaws. Okay so I’m committing social suicide.

“We are so not going to date you!” You’re yelling.“We love Abercrombie,” you’re screaming at me.“We LOVE it.”I know. I’m not stupid, I know how much you love it, because every time I see you Abercrombie, is printed on your shirt, or Hollister in huge gigantanoid letters.So everyone knows how much you love it, not just me.I see you and your friends comparing outfits.“Love the fit Amanda; I love how it says Hollister on it.”“And I especially love the shading they used to write Abercrombie on yours.”“Amanda, did you see Jason with that Hollister polo, he is to die for!”“I know!”“Know what I want?”“Amanda, tell me!”“I want that new shirt-”“The one that says A&E!?”“Creeeepy. YES”

But I digress.

Another opener for an extremely racist thing to say is, “I’m not a racist or anything but…”For example, I’m not racist or anything, but how can we get these wet back Mexicans to hurdle at the Olympics so they’ll stop hurdling over our borders? See that was pretty racist too right? So who am I to break a trend? Because I don’t mean to be racist, and I’m not a racist or anything but…Black History Month is dumb. (Thinks to himself) Maybe dumb isn’t the most descriptive word, I’m not a simpleton, it is flawed. I’ll extrapolate.

It is February, and no one has taken my idea of a Black History Whenever.So we are still stuck with this Black History Month thing which I have been promised no one takes seriously, so it’s not a huge deal.This of course means that the Black History advocates are out in full force and I met the man on Dundas Square who once offered to pick me up Sunday to…I’m not sure what, but I have a nagging suspicion it was to start a race riot.I shouldn’t really say I met him, because it was more like I felt his aura and made a wide looping arc to avoid his line of sight.Now although I hate this man for what he did to my life, I respect him, because if you remember correctly he was advocating black history during April, quite unlike the black people who are now suddenly very black like they weren’t black for the last eleven months.As if someone just tapped them on the shoulder January 31st late at night, leaned in very stealthily and whispered. “You’re black.” A comment that surprised and prompted them to do something about it.But who…who was it that let the black people know they were black just in time for Black History Month?My guess is BET. Anything a black person does can be directly correlated to BET. I know this because I decided to run a test, after thinking to myself, "Would Bob Marley be a black history month advocate?" I observed my sister (whom I use as the model for every black person in existence) for one week. I discovered ¾ of her viewing time was spent watching BET, the other ¼ MTV, which, believe me, is a topic I do not even want to get into right now.MTV is the reason I don’t like teenagers.Using the information I acquired from my sisters viewing habits.I multiply ¾ by about 110 000 000 (my estimate of black people in North America) than multiply that number by 24 (hours in a day) divide that number by 255 (number of licks it takes to reach the centre) add that number by 46 (the random component that life operates under) and factor that number by an exponent of 17 (one of my favorite numbers). We get approximately 3 kagillian the number I decided on after my calculator exploded.It exploded because:one)It can’t calculate that high.two) I tried to upload a satellite feed of the Simple Life onto it, which just doesn’t work, because Nicole Richie doesn’t know how to program in C++.

What is the significance ofthree kagillian? It means everyone needs to calm down about Black History Month, and either start doing it all the time or not at all.Also three kagillian is my freestyle battle name.