Winter Feelings

20-Something Years Old

My depression is really bad lately. I find everything meaningless. I don't even feel happy in a quiet bit of nature. I fucking hate having depression.

I am really lethargic to start my day. It takes me a long time to wake up, especially when I have nightmares that pull me back into them. That has been happening a lot recently.

Even without nightmares it’s difficult to get up, I feel so tired. When I finally force myself up, I am still exhausted. It isn’t like powering through is an option right now.

I start feeling better in the afternoon, sometimes late afternoon, today around 4 I started feeling marginally less pathetic.

Why do I have to be this way? Am I incurable? I have learned to act fine for other people. I’m not being fake, but I am holding back. I act “fine” by not talking about the depths of the daily struggle. I let others believe that I'm a little better than I really am. I let on that I'm a little tired while I yawn to cover up the tears and say I didn’t sleep well to explain away the persistent fatigue. I thank them for their well-intentioned advice and agree with their ill-advised perspective on depression.

I don't tell them that I hate myself. I don't tell them that I have had a hole in my heart my entire life and that I'm not sure it will ever be filled. Sometimes I stay away from people because I don’t have the energy to pretend. I believe that putting out the energy of my sorrow is bad for the people around me. So, I keep it to myself. Mostly, I'm honest, I just don’t divulge the extent of the truth.

I don't want to be that miserable friend who everyone gets a little (or a lot) fed up with because can't or won't try everyone's ideas for feeling better. I'm sorry. I am so tired. Feeling this way is terrible. It is not me being in a bad mood. I'm not just burned out or sleep deprived. My whole body aches. My soul is bogged down. My brain can’t see clearly. I can't be the anti-stigma fighter that I want to be because how can I inspire people when I am so miserable? There is something wrong with me. Will I ever be happy? I hope so, but maybe life for me won't be very joyful. I might always walk in a gray world with the weight of depression slowing my pace. Why is depression so heavy? I don’t know.

I don’t know why I’m writing anything at all right now. I don’t know why I do anything I do. I don’t know why I always fall back into depression. Or why I treat myself so poorly. I just want to not be so exhausted. I want to not be so anxious. I want to sleep through the night. I don’t want my face to look like this, all picked to hell because I can’t stop my dermotillomania (aka compulsively picking the fuck out of my skin).

I want to stop the inner dialogue that tells me I am not good enough. The inner voice that echoes all the awful things anyone has ever said to me and the things people never said but I imagined they wanted to. I want to be able to have a plan and follow through. I want to enjoy where I live, I want to enjoy my life and not be crippled by fatigue and anxiety.

And I can’t tell anyone these feelings that I have because they will all think I’m looking for sympathy and being whiny. Like that it is ridiculous to feel like that. I know it is, but I still feel like that. So, these thoughts are just inside.

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2 Comments

Geez, can I relate! I’m sorry for all of us! It is truly not easy. At least you still have friends. 🙂 And I don’t know what else to say. I keep thinking a lot of money would fix much of it. Anyone out there with lots of money who lives like this, too? I know. I know. Supposed to be positive. Stretch for the good stuff like being alive? I don’t really want to die because I still have hope. And I am truly grateful for Kristance and the brutally honest but so helpful and what I consider positive sharing….seriously. it does help. I mean. It can be humorous at times the way we feel?

It is definitely not easy! But healing is easier when I share and talk about my experiences. The depression always comes back, but it also always goes away. If only depression was about something as “simple” as money. It definitely could reduce some of the stresses that can trigger downward spirals, but depression is a mental illness and not just a situational condition.

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