Green Bay’s Mike Daniels Said He Did Not Piss His Pants Yesterday But We’re Not Buying It

You usually don’t see defenders get this nervous when Joe Flacco is on the other side of the ball.

911 calls made by battered wives and girlfriends in Wisconsin must have been at an all-time high late Sunday afternoon after the sub-.500 Baltimore Ravens waltzed into Lambeau Field and shut out the beloved Green Bay Packers 23-0, as it was the first time the Pack got blanked at home since 2006.

Sadly, that is not a joke, as domestic violence calls jump some 10 percent when the Packers lose a regular season game and damn near 20 percent when they lose to the Vikings. And I think they’re still calculating how much it goes up when the Packers lose to the Vikings and lose their stud quarterback to a broken collarbone in the process.

At 5-5, with an arrogant shitdick of a coach who is being exposed for the fraud that he is, a real turd attempting to play the quarterback position and a road trip to Pittsburgh on the horizon, there were no doubt many Packers fans who turned to the good stuff to kill their pain yesterday afternoon, finishing off every last Schlitz in the fridge along with whatever was left in the bottle of Evan Williams, passing the fuck out and waking up in a big ol’ puddle of piss. Hell, there were probably a few fans who channeled their inner Mike Daniels and didn’t even wait for the final seconds to tick off the clock before peeing themselves.

Naturally, Daniels addressed “Pissgate” after the game, saying that he in fact did not piss himself.

So just what was that giant wet spot covering his crotch and only his crotch? You guessed it: Sweat.

Daniels was very serious talking about #Packers loss but joked about this photo. “I saw that. I sweat a lot down there. Everybody was like, ‘Did you pee your pants?’ No, I did not pee my pants.” https://t.co/s6wJsDV3Vd

So there you have it, kids. Unlike 99.9 percent of human beings who sweat everywhere during intense physical activity, Packers defensive lineman Mike Daniels only sweats profusely from his massive hog and the immediate area surrounding it.

That leads us to believe that either it’s time for him to do some serious manscaping around the ol’ cock and balls or he pissed himself and then lied about it after the game for some reason, forcing me to use my Mass Communication degree from UW-Stevens Point to write a story about it. Pretty sad on all fronts, really…