At 14, a girl and I in math class were competing for the last space in the “top set.” I was no mathematician but I worked hard and it would have helped me greatly towards a free scholarship to a nearby private school. I was a quiet, tall, pale type and the other kids would call me a “witch” and say that I was weird because I didn’t speak. Honestly, I probably was a little weird. Hung out in music rooms at break, avoided other kids because words hurt and because music is my love.

I managed to get the top spot with help from a tutor, celebrated with my family, generally felt good about myself because my math had always been weak so this was a big deal for me.

I go to school the following day, my head of year takes me to the principal’s office around lunch time and there are a few members of staff, my parents and the girl who was competing with me. They all look very concerned. I can honestly say the following words changed my entire teenaged life (from my head of year):

“We have been alerted that you are pregnant. Legally we have to inform your parents as you are underaged. We are deeply surprised at this behaviour from a usually disciplined student such as yourself.”

The rest faded into the distance, tears of fury blurred the edges of my vision. I’m not even sure I’d hugged a boy at this point. The girl is looking at me triumphantly, and I guess she had won so I could understand why. My parents just look completely devastated. We never talked about sex. It was a taboo subject and I’d learned about periods and contraception from school sex ed.

My parents were leaders of a local church and for them, this news was really upsetting. They weren’t concerned about our reputation, but that they had raised me “wrong.” The teachers looked at me in a way I’d never seen teacher look at me. Disappointment and pity. I felt like a tiny little creature on the bottom of someone’s shoe, about to be scraped off and thrown away. I was a hard worker, determined to do well. The complete injustice was just so, so painful. At home, I took a pregnancy test that was of course negative but the idea of me having underage sex just created a living hell.

From then on, going out after school was only allowed by car rides and phone calls to check precisely which friend I would be with. I couldn’t go out on weekends. My mother would make sarcastic comments. I remember when Rihanna’s “Umbrella” came out, I thought the silver visual on the music video was really cool. My mum caught me watching the video on TV and said “of course you like naked writhing bodies.”

It fucking hurt. There were 2/3 of these comments per day. The first week or two I just cried and cried and could barely eat. I felt my life had been ruined. 2 years like this until things eased off. I never went for the scholarship, the school was too far away and my mother didn’t trust me as I would have had to take a school bus.

—————————————

Present day, things with my parents and I are good. A lot of the problems (I wasn’t a perfect teenager, fought with my mum a lot over things that weren’t about the fake pregnancy) have been healed over with time. I’m 25, married and pregnant with my first wonderful child. And feeling totally guilty and terrified. I’m so ashamed to admit to my mother that i had sex and made a baby.

I realise how totally stupid that sounds. But I’d love any tips on how to get over this. I can’t help but feel this ridiculous situation has given me some trauma. I do hope I don’t sound overdramatic. I just needed to get it out, I suppose.

Edit 1: really appreciate the helpful comments. I’m just seeing legally if I can do anything about this bullshit system that removes the “trial” element. If anyone knows anything, please PM me. I wouldn’t like another
teenaged girl to go through this without at least being asked.

Edit 2: for everyone asking about why no one realised there was no baby. The test was negative. The impact of underaged sex was the overarching concern for my parents and school staff. It was blown out of proportion because the school meeting was so severe and did not allow me to say a word.

Edit 3: All I will say in the time since then with my parents is that they have helped me through some very hard times and our relationship has done a lot of healing.

Edit 4: I’m trying to reply to you all, but I need to work ;) I’ll be telling my parents after work later, and will open it up by discussing this topic as best as I can, much appreciated all.

Edit 5: this happened in a very quiet, suburban part of Wales. Lots are curious about this.

UPDATE: told my parents I am expecting, brought the situation up regarding the lying girl when I was 14. Lots of tears either side and I am not sure my mother entirely believes that I wasn’t sexually active but my father is for sure very much on my side. He is angry at the school and joining me in contacting solicitors/lawyers tomorrow.

They are both overjoyed that I will be having a baby. I think there are more conversations to come, and in all honesty I’m wondering if there’s something in my mother’s past that is causing her to be like this but I guess that’s up to her to resolve. I was blubbering like a baby the whole way through! All advice greatly appreciated, Redditors :)

Edit 3: A lot of people are suggesting my parents were abusive. I have to say, before this they were INCREDIBLY SUPPORTIVE. They helped me with all my school work, came to every recital, were very proud of my achievements. Yes, they are Christians. No, they are not fanatical. No, they didn’t try to force it on me. Try to remember that this is one bad experience in 1,000,000,000 experiences I had with them. I have no desire to cut them off, “beat them” (seriously is this guy ok?), or yell at them. This is one issue I wanted a little advice on.

I think for them, the severity of it was crazy because there were all these members of staff who legally had to take it very seriously. In retrospect, the system dealing with it was pretty messed up. I had basically zero say. Just had to meekly sit there

In addition to what I consider abuse by your parents, you were also abused by the school. The FIRST thing they had to take seriously was whether this accusation had any basis in fact.

Evidently it never occurred to any of these supposed child caretakers that what one teenager said about another teenager might be a lie? And so, based on NO evidence, they punish a teenager who had just demonstrated her commitment to her own education?

Your phrase "pretty messed up" doesn't cover it. I don't know where you are, but has truth decay settled in your area so that no one pays any attention to the facts of a situation? Did they want to believe this so much that they just ignored anything that indicated otherwise?

"Hmmm... this girl just lost a fierce competition to this other girl yesterday and now claims to know the other girl is pregnant...somehow, despite them not being friends and her showing no physical sign. Better have them both here in the office with multiple staff as we punish her while verifying nothing."

What I honestly can't fathom is how the adults justified their allowance of that liar to watch! Horrendous.

I really hope the education system has improved and evolved beyond this horrendous treatment. You did not deserve to be chastised and shamed by your teachers or administrators, especially in front of another student. You did not deserve to be policed and shamed by your parents. All the adults in this situation should have known better. I'm so sorry.

Secondly, your family dynamic sounds damaged and potentially toxic. Note that I do not think the damage is your fault. Teenagers fight with their parents. Especially teenagers whose parents push their kids away by policing their every moment and by obviously distrusting their kids. Please seek therapy for yourself (outside your birth family). You could potentially rope them in if the situation calls for it. In my opinion, what your parents did to you was emotional abuse.

Legally, they may have been required to inform your parents. But there is no reason they had inform them immediately, without even talking to you first. They handled that situation completely inappropriately and unethically. I'm so sorry this happened to you. :(

Not necessarily. She was 14. That could well be below the age of consent, in which ANY sexual activity is abuse, even from someone her age. That being said, the point should have been to find and punish the abuser, not to shame her for sex no one could prove she had.

All valid points. I don't think /u/cunninglinguist32557 is saying otherwise, merely making a point about the age of consent in some places. Regardless, even if the law was broken, the adults absolutely handled this wrong.

I understand the severity of an underage girl's pregnancy, even the possibility of one; I don't consider the severity of it to be an issue. But they didn't HAVE a teenage pregnancy, nor any good reason to think one existed.

If they've got 14-year-old girls in a school, then they have 14-year-old girls telling lies about one another, guaranteed. So, one girl says that another girl is pregnant. What is their reaction?

Horror of horrors! Tell the parents! Shame the fallen young woman! Make sure the atmosphere is such that she doesn't say anything, because we don't want anything more horrible to escape her mouth!

Your narrative does indicate that they found it hard to believe of you. But nowhere does anyone say "Wait a minute. This does not sound like this girl. We haven't seen that she's been with boys or men, she doesn't exhibit rebellious actions anywhere near this level, she applies herself to her schoolwork, we are surprised that she would do such a thing." It evidently never occurred to anyone that the accusation MIGHT be false.

No. It's as if they WANTED to believe this, from the school administrator all the way down (way down) to the parents. And this is the hardest thing for me to forgive: the betrayal of trust from the parents. The school's actions are screwed up enough, but I regard a part of parent's job as supporting their child, to be someone the child can count on their entire lives to be in their corner. This doesn't mean they should approve of every thing you do, but it sure as hell means that, before they believe and act on an accusation for which there is no evidence, they need to listen to and give credence to the child's story, and try to ascertain if the accusation is true.

Well, I don't know the statute of limitations on this but it sure would be nice if that tossing of the 14 year old under the bus because a facility didn't want to get sued, got turned around: when it was what led to the girl getting money to raise her own child from winning a lawsuit she brought against the facility for intentional infliction of emotional distress of negligence or whatever fits. You clearly have damages. You clearly are in the right. They clearly failed miserably in their duty of care.

I agree that they should call the parents but not to say ‘hey, your daughter is pregnant’ but to warn that there are rumors you might be pregnant made by another student

Then they let them deal alone at your own house. You were made a fucking show. Wtf the school had to do with your supposed pregnancy? Wth that girl was in the room?

They literally took the word of a jealous 14 years old and made it official. What the fuck dude

Even if you were pregnant, so what? This is not the school business. Let’s be real. If you were raped and ended up pregnant. Your situation was already terrible but the other possibilities were also horrific

Tre school basically confirmed all the rumors. Even tho your parents were assholes(and trust me, they were terrible at this moment) the school was disgusting.

You said you still don’t really understand the impact of what happened, which is understandable. Imagine if your baby is a girl. 14 years from now te school calls you. You get into a room with the principal, your daughter and a random 14 years old girl.

The school decided to say your daughter is pregnant. Using the words of the 14 years old there. What would you feel?

Sometimes it’s hard to see how deeply the adults fucked up. Especially when you’re young, sometimes the emotions and feelings connected to the situation and people are still of the age you felt. I believe your shame still has to do with this.

you were a victim of incompetent and quite honestly, cruel adults. Your parens failed when they didn’t give u a proper sexual education, when they grounded you even tho they knew you were not pregnant bc they were afraid to stad up for you against the community, for failing to put a stop at that intervantion d humilliation, for believing the words of envious 14 years old and for not going after that girls parents after they found out you were not pregnant.

My heart breaks for the 14 years old you. You fought and struggled to learn math and instead got punished bc the adults around you were irresponsible and cruel.

You must not feel stupid for feeling shame. It’s, ofc something you have to work on, but please don’t be hard on yourself. The blame rest sorely on the adults of the time. On this institution that worked to humilliate and punish you for something you didn’t even do and on your parents for failing to stand up for their daughter.

I know it’s hard, especially bc it’s something so heavy to put the blame on but be kind to yourself. Sometimes we feel like we deserve pain or that we can handle. Distance yourself, put your best friend, daughtet, random teen you see on the street and feel as a decent human being would feel if you saw this situation.

Transform this shame into fire. You have nothing to be ashamed. Even if you were sexually active, even if you were pregnant you would still not deserve to be put in such a situation

Also why weren't they concerned about who was allegedly having sex with a 14 year old? Was it another student? If so why wasn't that investigated so the other kid's parents could be informed as well? Or worse, what if it was an adult? An employee at the school? This whole situation was handled so poorly at every angle, it's astonishing.

Also why weren't they concerned about who was allegedly having sex with a 14 year old? Was it another student? If so why wasn't that investigated so the other kid's parents could be informed as well? Or worse, what if it was an adult? An employee at the school? This whole situation was handled so poorly at every angle, it's astonishing.

So, I'm not a therapist and its midnight but those are the kinda things I would bring up. How you felt and how it's affected you.

I think it's great you can put yourself in their shoes but I don't think it's gonna help you through this. I'm not sure if you have told them or not but I don't this can be avoided. I'm the kind of person who definitely cools down after some time but even a situation like this would want me to sit down and discuss it. I feel like this can't be rugswept anymore. Your parents should listen when you say that the girl was lying, you hadn't had sex, and it's messing with you now.

But, I would say, do it with a family counsellor. Having my own counsellor has immensely helped with speaking to my parents on a more "adult" level.

This is the worst part about being a teenager, especially in strict religious environments. You're mature enough to know when real injustice is happening to you, but adults DGAF because legally you're still a minor. Oh and the wonderful "it's just hormones" line they pull if you're angry about something legitimate.

The policy isn't the problem. The way every adult handled it afterwards was the problem. Including your parents. They believed someone else's daughter over their own daughter with zero questioning. Guilty until proven innocent, and, even then, tainted. You lost their trust without doing anything. It's going to be impossible to move past this without confronting your parents and getting an apology and admittance of failure on their part to protect their little girl.

This is what adults do. Adults admit their mistakes and apologize for hurting others. Clearly you're still hurting, so it's still relevant.

Tbh this whole story sounds like a load of baloney. So the school blindly believed one girl and everything OP said was straight up denied? I feel like either a part of this story is missing, or it actually is a load.

No, it happened and suddenly she teleported to here and now. School believed a one off rumor and went full force with it and she never got a chance to speak a word for months and years. Her parents, seeing that it was a lie that their daughter was pregnant, fully trusted the random classmate.

It sounds like the little cunt that crafted the lie about you made it seem as if your supposed sexual activity happened at the school. Obviously that shit goes straight to the principal, then he goes to legal counsel, and then the school decides that in order to avoid any liability for allowing a child to become pregnant under their watch (which would be insanely negligent) they would rather come down super hard on you and your parents to firmly establish their moral highground and cement a narrative of blame being squarely on you and how your parents raised you. They probably did everything in their power to squash that into you, so that your parents wouldn't even think to support you or sue the school. It's gross, and wrong, and I'm really happy you've come so far past it. Congratulations on becoming a mother. Use this experience as fuel for your wisdom as a parent.

I imagine the school's legal counsel throwing every scenario, and going straight into self defense. Schools are supposed to protect kids first, not themselves.

I had a friend in high school who my mom didn't want me to hang out with. She thought she was a poor influence and she was adamant about it for no reason I could discern. I'm 30 now, and one day I just thought of it and said to my mom, "You know, you were completely wrong about that friend, and I think you should have trusted me to make my own choices." And it was fine. Even years later, it helped that it was acknowledged because it was something that bothered me so much when I was younger.

This is obviously not at all on the same scale as your situation, but I think you can and absolutely should bring this up to your parents. Parents can be wrong. In your case, they were very wrong on several levels. You need to tell them that you were not having sex, and that the whole experience and the way you were treated was traumatizing, unacceptable, and negatively affects you to this day. Even if you were sexually active or pregnant, those comments would be cruel and harmful. They owe you that recognition and an apology. They didn't let you have a voice then, so you need to use it now.

I was that friend. FWIW I never held it against my friends that they were scared to speak up in my defense. Children can't reasonably be expected to do shit like that, especially when their parents teach them not to.

I'm still mad at those parents though. Who the fuck is a jerk to a 13 year old?

Hello! Congratulations on the pregnancy. I hope everything goes uneventful.

I work as a mental health counselor and I can tell you that not all trauma was purposeful, or evil, or even bad. As an example, parents who died in front of their kids accidentally weren't bad parents, but the trauma is still real.

Your parents sound like great people. You probably feel guilty or awkward bringing it up.

Your trauma is like most childhood trauma. Parents who traumatize their children often intend to protect their children and accidentally hurt them instead. The fact it was unintentional does not make the trauma any less real.

I highly recommend talking to your family, or a therapist, or a combination. I think you'll find it to be a healing experience, and so may they! No parent thinks they're perfect and it's an incredible relief to get forgiveness for mistakes.

I work as a mental health counselor and I can tell you that not all trauma was purposeful, or evil, or even bad. Parents who died in front of their kids accidentally weren't bad parents, but the trauma is still real.

Wow that really hits home. I went through something similar in high school, and it felt like NOBODY, not the law, or the teachers, or even my parents really cared what I had to say. Because this was an adult matter! And I’m a child! Ten years ago and it still stirs up a crazy feeling in me.

I’m still baffeled by the fact that this shit just didn’t stop the moment you took a negative pregnancy test.

I know this is making assumptions but considering that you said you weren’t even sure if you’ve hugged a boy at the time, the way you described yourself makes it seem like even comin up with the idea of you having sex would be ridiculous...

The fact that a random claim from someone who clearly profited off of the resulting shitstorm was enough to affect your life for years to come is a terribly sick joke that should be fought with pitchforks.

OP it's wonderful that you're so concerned with their emotional well being, but you are currently undergoing your own emotional issues that are effectively their fault. You don't have to play the blame game or try to make them feel guilty but it would be really beneficial for everyone's mental health if you just heard them apologize.

No. You always have a say, can always speak up. You have a voice. Part of your discomfort seems to stem from you not taking advantage of that.

As far as your relationship with your parents goes - you won’t actually have a great relationship with your family until this is discussed. You can skirt the issue, but it’s all just fake smiles if you can’t talk about the real things.

I tried to speak in the meeting and was told by the head of year it was not the time or place for me to speak. I did try. And now we discuss many difficult topics, this is the last one. (With my parents)

We haven’t discussed this particular topic in six years. I am hoping the discussion later goes well

I don’t understand why you didn’t just say to them that you weren’t pregnant the moment the teacher brought it up. You Always have a choice and can make your words heard. Also a quick pregnancy test and/or bringing the other girl’s parents into it may have lead to the girl admitting she lied...

Hell I would have still spoken up because the meeting was about you. You can’t go back in time now but I do agree with other posters that you should consider suing the school and finding appropriate therapy :) good luck with the new baby!!

In my experience, I think for them they were more uncomfortable with the perception than they were with the truth and your well being. My Grandparents are this to a tee. It's infuriating and utterly against the family loyalty they (and their religion) engrained.

Yes this is the case for children in these situations, kids are regularly powerless.
That is why they need their parents to advocate for them, your parents have power in this situation and it is their responsibility to go to bat for their child.
They shirked this responsibility, not you.

My mum is a very loving and caring person but can make very hurtful comments which she thinks are ‘just a bit of fun’, this gets much worse when drink is involved.

I have mentioned in reddit before how my mum tries to lighten the time I was molestered on a ferry on holiday when I was 14 by making a joke about it now and again ‘ ha like you and the guy on the boat!’

This happened 2-3 times a year and at one point I just told her to never mention it again unless i bring it up and in no way us it a tool to make a joke about! She got very upset when put straight about it.

She said nothing about it for about 3 years until stupidly in front of my recently engaged future sister in law who was absolutely appalled. Her reaction made my mum apologise but I told her it really had to stop.

It is Not ok how they treated you, it never will be but talking about it is better than letting bad stuff stew

I’m going to have to say this but your mom does not sound like a nice person. A good person doesn’t joke about another family member being molested especially in front of them. She needs to be shown/taught there are clear firm boundaries (since she can’t figure this out on her own) about what topics are ok to talk about and what aren’t starting with the boat incident. If she continues to bring it up despite being warned then she does not get to claim “nice person” status anymore.

I think your second line explains it. It’s a horrible thing and she could feel responsible for not protecting her child. However she doesn’t have the maturity to deal with her feelings directly so she makes hurtful jokes to try to deal with it. I’m not defending it just offering an explanation.

I’ve had a very similar experience with my mom as well! I’ve been molested/sexually harassed several times as a teenager. The first time I was molested I told my mom in tears I could barely let it out. She was very concerned and kept on asking me why I was crying. When I finally told her she proceeded to laugh it off, saying things along the lines of “oh you’re making too big of a deal of it.” She still continues to joke about it (much to the horror of my dad and me). Needless to say I never opened up to her about any of the other incidents. But what did get her to stop joking about it was making it very clear to her that it was not ok to joke about even after 5 years. It’s never too late to bring something up with your parents, even if it feels awkward.

Some parents don’t apologize, even when clearly in the wrong. I’m guessing the type that would allow this sort of incident to happen in this manner would be the type. No asking the teachers where this news came from, asking the daughter if it’s true? Yeah. Those parents don’t apologize until their deathbed to make themselves feel like guilty, and make her feel worse

You have unresolved resentment and pain from when they hurt you. You've internalized it and unless you deal with it one way or another by talking it out with them or with a therapist, it will continue to follow you.

Think about how your future child might feel if you were to somehow lash out at her for her first sexual encounter. It may be reflexive and you might regret it after, but its better to deal with it now.

This is an excellent point that I have not seen anyone else bring up yet. We tend to parent the way our parents did because it’s what we know. If your parents were less than stellar, you need to be conscious about trying to break the cycle. OP can try to rationalize it all she wants, but if she doesn’t address what happened now, chances are it will come out later when she herself is a parent.

If they reacted the way they did to the concept of you being pregnant, and refuse to talk about it entirely now that you're an adult, that seems pretty cruel. Also other comments you've implied they make makes it seem like it's not coming from a place of guilt. I don't know the entire situation, but I feel like I'd cut them off completely before the birth. I'd be worried about what they might do with my child based on their beliefs. Then again, I cut my parents off years ago, so perhaps I'm biased.

My parents raised me with love and kindness. Yes, this is a mistake from them, a big one. But I still love them and they love me too. This is one situation in my and their life(s) of many that have made up our relationship.

They knowingly emotionally abused you for two years of the most vital emotional development stage of your life and did not apologize. That doesn’t sound like love and kindness. That sounds like they were kind to you until you didn’t fit their mold (even though you weren’t even pregnant or sexually active) and then treated you like shit.

Now that you got married and pregnant in wedlock, they’re ooh’ing and ah’ing. They’re narcissists and frankly, I would have made them apologize like yesterday.

I didn’t rebuild a relationship with my parents until I forced the memories of their abuse back to the surface for them to face and truly apologize for.

You’re making excuses for them and minimizing the severity when people here point it out because you were brainwashed (for lack of a better word) by their words, and are still subconsciously blaming yourself.

Edit: I'm concerned with the amount of people who think that her parents weren't bad parents for daily emotional abuse for two years because of an allegation she was sexually active. I'm also concerned with people who say they've had similar experiences & that doesn't make their parents bad. Yes it does. That is a bad parent. You should not have children if you allow your personal convictions and emotional pitfalls to cause you to abuse your child who depends on you for support and safety.

I wouldn’t call it a highlight. It was two years, half of your entire high school. Every parent is supposed to be there for their kids in their education and support them, that’s the minimum baseline of actual parenting.

I sound harsh because I’m hurting for you and I can see from the outside that you’re trying to minimize it and act like it wasn’t that big of a deal. But you made this post for a reason, and that reason is because they deeply scarred you. I hope that you can be brave and work this to the surface with them so you can heal.

The collected strangers of reddit are not exactly qualified to help you examine how serious this was and its lasting impacts on your life, and I think you need to examine that question more. With a professional therapist. Who is also the best person to help you handle the shame you're feeling and help you experience your pregnancy and new motherhood in the healthiest happiest way. You really owe it to yourself and your baby to take this question to a qualified professional.

I am no medical or psychological professional but I can see how the shame and scarring OP is describing could evolve into pre/post pardum anxiety or depression. Please see a professional therapist to address how you feel!

Just want to chime in to counter all the people jumping all over your parents. It’s ok to forgive them, it’s ok to value the positive parenting they did. Clearly there are residual scars that need healing but I cringed at everyone making your parents out to be abusers and that you shouldn’t forgive or love them or something. What they did wasn’t ok but that doesn’t make them inherently bad people. They made a mistake and if you can forgive them or see past it, then that’s a good thing. You can forgive without being healed, you can love someone who has hurt you without ‘making excuses’ for them or whatever.

The only risk to someone not recognizing abuse is if they are still in an abusive situation or if they won’t admit it and heal. You know what they did was wrong. That’s not what’s going on here.

I do think you’d benefit from therapy if for no other reason than you still feel shame and haven’t been comfortable discussing what happened with them.

Girl, I think you should talk to a therapist about this. Your parents caused you permanent damage and they screwed up. It’s one thing to know this in theory, but a totally different thing to let it go and move on. You need to find a way to reconcile this with the fact that you love them and want a positive relationship with them.

You’re making excuses for them and minimizing the severity when people here point it out because you were brainwashed (for lack of a better word) by their words, and are still subconsciously blaming yourself.

I think this comment is very spot on. Emotions and families are complicated. But it's pretty clear that you still think they didn't do anything that bad. It would be pretty damn bad even if the only thing they did was prevent you from going to the better school, and they did that PLUS two years or more of emotional trauma during one of the most delicate stages of life PLUS shamed you PLUS never apologized.

I disagree. She knows how they treated her was bad. She knows this experience was traumatic. She’s not minimizing anything.

Her ‘excuses’ are her attempt to empathize and understand why people who love her would treat her this way. Parents are human who make mistakes.

You can love someone without loving all their decisions, you can forgive someone even if the damage isn’t healed yet. She would really benefit from some counseling because she needs to heal and would probably benefit by discussing what happened with her parents. I don’t think hating her parents is going to bring any healing.

You can hate your parents and still love them. It's called a dialectical. What they did was incredibly traumatizing and shaming to a poor child. Their own child. And you can quote religion or culture but the factfact of the matter is when their kid needed them the most they turn their backs.

She's allowed to feel anger and she shouldn't prematurely forgive it without processing through the pain.

My mother did something very similar to me when I was 9 years old. I had a cousin who I loved to wrestle with. I had very few friends so the time I got to spend with my cousin was very meaningful for me. Nothing inappropriate ever happened and I never felt like anything inappropriate happened. But his brother decided to take revenge on us along with another friend and he told my parents that's my cousin and I were doing inappropriate things and showing each other our genitals. At this point in my life I had no clue what sex even was. Suddenly I was called into the kitchen and there was five adults sitting at a table and my mom confronted me and said that these are the things that his brother said and from now on we are no longer to spend any time alone together. It literally tore me apart inside. My parents who were responsible for my survival didn't believe me. They thought I would do something so abhorrent. I came to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me because my parents didn't trust me, that I was flawed somehow.

I held on to that shame for a very long time. I had religious clergy convince me that I should be forgiving my mother and I tried. But that tore me apart more than anything and I had to go through a process of seeing my parents for what they really are and their flaws before I could really move on. That included a lot of anger and resentment and even hate that I had to work through.

Now in my early thirties I have finally forgiven my parents. Our relationship is good. But I had to mourn the ideals of who my parents were before I get could get to this place. I had to stop minimizing the hurt they caused me. I had to validate my own pain.

One thing I'm seeing from your comments is that they were incredibly supportive of your academic and extracurricular achievements, which is great, but there's a big hole in their support of you as a woman. It was their job, not any school's job, to teach you how to be self confident, navigate tough emotional fights with friends, be responsible for your own actions, and take initiative, and they seriously screwed that up.

This should've been the ultimate parenting moment where they should've gone to bat for you and shown you they support you as a woman and will help you navigate such a hard situation and given you the tools to get through it. Instead, they told you that they don't trust you or your judgment, won't stand by you when times are tough, and punished you for a rumor. So now, you're worried that they again won't support you, this time as a woman becoming a mother. I think it's ok to recognize that yes, they love you and you love them, but they really screwed up, and they need to acknowledge it and apologize so you can get closure and move forward knowing that they do actually support you. Otherwise you'll always be scared that they'll shame and shun you again.

In order to accept this and let go of the shame you are now feeling, you are going to need to talk about this with someone, preferably a therapist. Possibly also your parents. Just because you know something rationally (your parents love you and always have) does not change the fact that they messed up.

Yes, there’s an apology to make. No, they don’t need to be cut off for this in my view.

What if they don't apologize?

What if they minimize how bad this was, tell you that you were overreacting or that it wasn't as bad as you thought, and how dare you try to make them feel bad after all they've done for you?

Because there's a 99% chance that's what they'll do, because that's what almost every shitty parent who did a shitty thing to their kid does.

Because they are, in fact, bad parents, for the same reason that someone who makes a perfectly cooked steak with a fine layer of shit over it is a bad chef. It doesn't matter how well the steak is cooked. A good chef would have known that the shit should never have been there in the first place.

I made excuses for my parents but slowly the excuses stopped holding water. When I finally had my first kid I realized what it was to be a parent and stopped making excuses for them. It was so stark. I knew I would never do to my kid the things they did to me. I would never treat my kids with that lack of respect.

I never confronted them, but the important thing is now that I know it was out of line. I know deep in my heart I did not deserve it.

Yes! Having your own kid really makes you understand the damage. Having my own children made it impossible to continue to make excuses for things my parents did- and it’s exactly like you said-“I would never treat my kids with that lack of respect.”

So they were there for you for every test and achievement, but kept you from going away to school like you wanted and earned because it was too far for them to keep control over you? That seems I don’t know....narcissistic or something? Abuse for sure.

I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand why this didn't end in that room when you stood up and were like "I'm not pregnant". Why were you still in trouble for years to come when it was exposed to not be true?

Because the issue of underaged sex became more problematic than the issue of possible pregnancy. Especially to my religious parents. The negative pregnancy test didn’t help anything, they simply thought I had been having sex and that was “bad” in their eyes

But why did they just assume you were having sex? Obviously, the pregnancy rumor was a lie, so why did they have to believe the sex wasn't a lie? I can sort of understand the school not giving you the benefit of the doubt (even though it's fucked up) because they don't know you. Your parents knew you. They knew that they'd never seen you with a boy. They knew you were quiet. You could have told them that the girl who made the accusations was someone you were competing with. Why would they choose to believe a complete stranger, and a teenager no less, over their own daughter?

I'm sorry, but I don't care how nice and supportive they are. Vilifying you and not trusting your word over another teenager's with absolutely no proof is not something nice and supportive parents do. Especially not for two years. And now they refuse to talk about it? The problem hasn't been fixed. They're choosing to ignore it to make themselves feel better, and they're pretending like what they did never hurt you or your relationship with them. OP, they don't deserve you. And you don't deserve what happened to you.

I have to admit, I feel kinda sorry for OP. Of course, I know it's not easy to lose your parents or cut them off or anything. I don't even really know what that's like since while I like my independence from my parents, they're overall pretty good.

But it's like you said, they villified OP to a degree that is just utterly shocking to me. And OP just forgives them (even though they apparently never even apologized or admitted that they were wrong). I don't know if cutting them out would necessarily make things easier for OP, but god dammit she deserves better than those shitty parents.

I guess I also just feel sorry that OP feels the need to act like her parents' behavior was in any way okay? It gives the impression that she was raised in an environment where such abuse was normal such that she doesn't even have a grudge for her parent's actions. I feel like if my parents had done such a thing, we would absolutely not be speaking today. Because as another commenter put it, OP's parents are evil.

I hate to make assumptions about OP, so instead, I say this from my own experience: I did not know what abuse looked like because it was normalized. I did not know what to look for because everyone treats these things as common sense, when for the victim of abuse, it's just not.

I saw red flags and found justifications for them because this was faaaaamily and family is everything. I suffered years of emotional and verbal abuse because my family means well and they would never intentionally hurt me! I mean, okay, maybe not the best way to do things, but I can't fault them for doing their best to parent me. And they don't have to apologize because they love me and we just know and it's all okay. Really, it's okay. It's okay.

When my dad told me he wouldn't love me unless I was 105lbs, I twisted it in my mind so that instead of realizing how fucked up that was, I thought "what he means is that he wants me to be a healthy weight". And when he locked me out of the house until he decided I had ran 10 miles was for my own health! He wants me to be fit and strong, and he's just giving me tough love. And when he yells at me for being too fat, he really is just scared that I will grow up and be unhealthy and unloved. He means well.

When my mom told me that my hips were "too wide" from "all that sex" I was having and that no man would want a girl like that, I twisted it in my mind as my mother just being concerned about my well being and future relationships. She wasn't trying to sex shame me! It just came out wrong! And everytime she tried to make me feel guilty for taking a stand against my father's verbal abuse, she just didn't know better. My grown ass mother, in her 50s. She didn't know better.

So many little instances of abuse that I justified away and swept under the rug because it was easier to acknowledge that there was one mistake as opposed to a pattern of abuse. Eventually, I wound up in the hospital from the emotional stress and wisened the fuck up, and learned to identify even slightly pink-toned flags.

TL;DR: For many victims of abuse, it is easier and less emotionally burdensome to say "everything is fine" and ignore patterns of abuse, than to come to terms with what reality actually looks lile. This may or may not be the situation here, I'm not qualified to determine that.

It’s hard to come to terms with your parents having flaws. It’s even harder when your parents were abusive, because when you grow up in that environment, you don’t see it as abuse. OP doesn’t appear to consider her environment abusive growing up, but she certainly has not come to terms with it as much as she wants to think she has, if that makes sense. It does need to be addressed, though, because OP presumably wants to have the kind of open and honest relationship with her child that she didn’t get with her parents.

It's a bit frustrating and sad to keep reading further into the comments because she didn't deserve any of this and she still hasn't gotten any apology whatsoever after all these years of abuse (Will she get one? I sure damn hope so!).

I feel sorry that she can't even have the full magical expierience of having a child with someone she truly loves because her parents made her feel ashamed for something that never happened!

Please OP, discuss this with your parents because I truly believe an apology would go a long way towards recovery from this trauma.

I don't agree with what they did either, at ALL, but it's almost never as black and white as 'they don't deserve you'. All parents are flawed, all make mistakes and handle things wrong. Yes, this is an extreme version of that, but OP has said many times that she has repaired her relationship with them in other areas. It's enough to tell OP that there was no excuse for that behaviour in that instance, and for not talking about it afterwards. OP needs to hear that. But you're not in a position to tell OP much more than that.

The fact that she is still experiencing shame indicates that their relationship has not healed as much as she says. That’s okay, but it needs to be addressed. Trying to talk herself out of what she is feeling because she gets along better with them now isn’t going to resolve the issue, which is the unwarranted shame she is feeling.

I agree, but I think it's unhelpful to put such black and white labels as 'cut them off' or 'they don't deserve you' on it. Family is complicated. I can only speak from experience, but I learned early on not to talk about the stuff my family goes through because people lay hugely stark judgements on it, and it doesn't feel like support, it feels like someone is attacking people you love (despite their mistakes). If OP is anything like me... then by making statements like 'they don't deserve you', we're making OP more likely to get defensive and feel like maybe she oversold the problem, because as far as she's concerned she KNOWS her parents are good people who made mistakes, and don't deserve to be cut off - therefore, she'll assume she's made it sound worse than it was. Perhaps I'm projecting, but OP is reacting exactly as I would in her situation, so I feel like I'm not far off.

When it comes to something as important as this you should stand by and believe your kid. Seems as if the community reaction (particularly in the church I assume) was their concern and they needed to be 'seen' to do something

So they had to treat you like dirt and ruin your future? Fuck that your parents are evil. My mom is religious too but what you described would never happen to me. She would tell them unless they know it’s rape then it’s none of their business and to shove it where the sun don’t shine. Then she would ask me what happened and if I did have sex she would say she is disappointed, explain why I shouldn’t be doing it, and then give me “the talk” so I don’t get pregnant if I decide not to stop because you have to choose God and she won’t stop loving me because I am going through a phase where I don’t.

I mean it in no offense way at all, it's just so fcked up by all people, that's its almost unbelievable. I mean you was a damn child and multiple adults were not able to think straight for one second and realise what they are doing to you? They destroyed your teenager time etc. Just feel sorry for you.

Edit: an apology after all the years is the minimum your parents should be able to do. Mistakes happen, but then be strong enough and admit it. It helps all.

They may have raised you to be loving and kind, but they did not treat you with love and kindness. At least not during that time. Your kindness has allowed you to forgive them, it seems, but they haven’t acknowledged their wrongs and asked for forgiveness, have they? That needs to happen. As it is, you have internalized that shame that THEY PUT ON YOU.

You were young and shy and didn’t speak up for yourself at 14 when this all happened. And while it might’ve changed everything if you had, you didn’t. As a formerly shy teenager and still non-confrontational adult, I get it. But you need to speak up for yourself now. Your parents may guess at how their treatment hurt you, but they don’t know. Let them know. Give them a chance to truly apologize. You deserve that.

I would suggest seeking therapy if you haven't ever. I'd suggest therapy to anyone, honestly. Talking to them about it as per your edit may be a very difficult conversation, and I think having that conversation is a great idea, but don't rush it if it feels like too much too early. Good luck getting emotional resolution. Sometimes painful things can hurt worse while you're working to heal them. Sorry if I started a lot of people on this topic a bit much or came across as harsh/disrespectful.

I get it. My parents made a big mistake in handling my adolescence. I left home at 17 and didn't speak to my father for 4 years. I had blown it out of proportion, I see now why they did it and I understand completely. It was for a similar reason: They found out I had had sex with my long term boyfriend after we broke up. I think he told them himself. However, every guy I talked to after that I was taunted and asked if I had sex with him too. It culminated in my father hitting me after an event where I danced with a guy.

However, when we got onto better terms no one really said anything. It was a bit of a struggle and the guilt and shame remained.

Now, 6 years later, my father has apologized and most of that has evaporated. My mother keeps trying to convince me that she "did the best she could". It's seriously straining our relationship, I know she did the best she could at the time. She also seriously betrayed me. She didn't hurt me like my father did, but she enabled him and didn't stop him. I understand why she did what she did, but it would be really nice to hear her say "I'm sorry" or even "I acknowledge that I hurt you" or even "I was unfair to you".

To be fair, I didn't realize I needed an apology until my father gave me one. I broke down pretty hard at the time and a lot of crying happened all around. It was a very healing moment.

I get it. My parents made a big mistake in handling my adolescence. I left home at 17 and didn't speak to my father for 4 years. I had blown it out of proportion, I see now why they did it and I understand completely

How on earth is their behaviour understandable? They slut shamed you and your father assaulted you for being a normal damn teenager who has sex. I really don’t understand how you think they were reasonable, when it caused you to drop contact for four years because of the emotional impact their shitty behaviour had on you

When I look at how they were raised (Mennonite). I can understand why they reacted the way they did. It doesn't make it right, in any way at all, but they literally didn't know what to do in that situation.

They met at 18 and waited 7 years of dating with no sex to get married. They did fool around with no penetration involved as I know from one of my Mom's favourite complaints: "why couldn't you be happy with just a bit of touching, why did you have to have sex?!"

The whole thing is messed up, But I still do believe they did the best they knew how. Even if their best was wrong, unfair, and completely messed up.

I think parents are absolutely allowed to make mistakes - every parent has. The key difference (and healing) comes from admitting when something was wrong, acknowledging its damage, and then talking about it (as often as needed) so that it can be processed and healed. You were extremely hurt (and still hurting) not necessarily because of that one terrible incident, but because it was never ever discussed or processed, and so it is just brewing inside of you. Release it out in the open is the only way to let it go. It can be tremendously helpful if your parents can be apart of that. The point is NOT to shame them or to blame them - the point is to help you heal.

you are really going to bat for your parents in a way that seems extra-creepy considering this post is about what your parents did to you. i get that reflexive desire to defend your family but girl, loving kindness is not what this post is about

This sounds to me like the other girl's parents had political ties to the school in some way: donations, seats on special councils, etc etc.
They wanted their daughter to win the scholarship so they directly sabotaged OPs chances.

That's what this looks like to me. Idk all the details and OP wouldnt have known these things as a teen student.

Nuh fuck that. My mum would have absolutely chewed out the school for something like that. Non-shitty parents believe their kids.

You keep saying that you had no room to defend yourself because of how the school ran things, but you didn't exist only at the school, your parents would have taken you home and any decent parent would have listened to your side on the way home.

This, OP. They could have listened to your story at any point during those 2 years. They can still listen to your story, and they're choosing not to. The school didn't forbid you from talking at home, and it didn't forbid your parents from asking you questions. Even if you were pregnant or having sex, they're pretty shitty parents if they just take you home and act like nothing happened, and never discuss pregnancy, safe sex, or ask why. Or who. Because whoever was having sex with you could have been committing statutory rape. They should have started protecting you, not punishing you.

Same wtf.
My parents are also very religious. No sex before marriage types. But they would have walked into that school swinging the negative pregnancy test and demanded that the girl at least be suspended for spreading that lie.

Yes. When I was a kid we liked to play in this corner of the field and I had to pee really bad and it was too far to go to ask for permission there then also go back to another place for the bathroom. So I slipped behind the fence and peed. A kid saw me and told on me and the teacher was livid. My parents backed me up and said "so what? it too far to ask permission and we go camping all the time." My parents listened to me, they defended me because my actions were (mostly) reasonable. OP, I think you must have some PTSD about this whole thing (and I don't blame you) but it shocks me that a rival in school can make a fake rumor about you and have it ruin a huge portion of your life and no one believed you or even asked what was going on. It's sick. Anyone in your situation would feel as you do now. Take care of yourself.

Yes. When I was a kid we liked to play in this corner of the field and I had to pee really bad and it was too far to go to ask for permission there then also go back to another place for the bathroom. So I slipped behind the fence and peed. A kid saw me and told on me and the teacher was livid. My parents backed me up and said "so what? it too far to ask permission and we go camping all the time." My parents listened to me, they defended me because my actions were (mostly) reasonable. OP, I think you must have some PTSD about this whole thing (and I don't blame you) but it shocks me that a rival in school can make a fake rumor about you and have it ruin a huge pertion of your life and no one believed you or even asked what was going on. It's sick. Anyone in your situation would feel as you do now. Take care of yourself.

How could the schools have done their due diligence?? They couldn’t give you a pregnancy test without parental permission. Literally all they did was take the word of another student. And so did your parents. And then, even after this proved to be false, they kept treating you poorly and restricted your freedom. And even now, years later, they have NEVER even apologized for being so stupid and nasty to you.

You keep defending them, but if this really happened then your parents are horrible

We haven’t approached the topic in around six years. I’m hoping to be pleasantly surprised tonight. Due diligence I simply meant that they had taken statements from other pupils too. I don’t believe this to be true, as I had very few friends. As the staff did not know me well, it may have been easier to paint a picture of me from scratch based from one lie.

Okay, good for you. Not everyone is or was capable of that at 14. I was in a similar situation to OP at a similar age (not accused of pregnancy but something else) and I also wasn't given the option to speak, and I also didn't feel capable of standing up to a room full of adult twice my size who were all yelling at me. How on earth do you justify judging a 14 year old for not being able to stand up against multiple adults in positions of authority?

Edit typos

Okay, good for you. Not everyone is or was capable of that at 14. I was in a similar situation to OP at a similar age (not accused of pregnancy but something else) and I also wasn't given the option to speak, and I also didn't fewl capable of standing up tp a room full pf adult twice my size who were all yelling at me. How on earth do you justify judging a 14 year old for not being able to stand up agaonst multiple adults in positions of authority?

I know you have a lot of love and trust in your parents because they raised you and have guided you through problems you’ve had.

However, it’s okay to accept they made a mistake here. Your parents did the wrong thing, and let their own presumptions and morals get in the way of treating their daughter with tenderness and validation. That’s what you deserved, not unwarranted shaming. This situation doesn’t erase the positive things your parents have done for you, but their inability to discuss the topic openly and give you an apology is not fair on you.

While it might be painful, and difficult, and there might never seem like the “right time”, you should sit your parents down, discuss how that entire experience made you feel, and request an apology. If that sounds impossibly uncomfortable, and even a bit different from the question you came here to answer, just printing out what you wrote here and giving it to them to read might be easier.

Best of luck with your pregnancy and newfound motherhood, I hope you have a loving partner to walk with you every step of the way!

Don't be surprised if your parents refuse all responsibility and continue to blame you.

In which case, you need to reconsider your relationship and whether you want them in your baby's life. Anything less than accepting full responsibility and an unconditional apology is disrespectful and unfair, and a big insight into your parents' true values (or lack thereof).

I'm sorry that you had to experience such a traumatic event, but it sounds like you learned a lot from it and your character allowed you to overcome it. What I find really disheartening, is that you describe a strong and positive relationship with your parents before the attack. You should talk with your parents about this to allow all of you to grow and gain some closure on this time in your life, but why would they have taken anyone's word over yours? You are their daughter. You studied hard. They had always been supportive and showed up for you. I've had a parent question me before about a false rumor, and promptly denied it. They believed me, but it still hurt. I reasoned with them, that if something so significant had happened to me, why they felt I would not tell them about it? What action in my life had I done that demonstrated I would try to hide this false rumor from them? They couldn't give me an answer and felt terrible about it because we all realized together that in that brief moment, that one experience in 1,000,000,000, they had cared more about the way others viewed them than how their own child did. Because we talked through the reasoning behind all of our actions during that incident, it became a great learning experience that brought us closer together as a family and allowed us to grow as people. You and your family have not given yourselves this opportunity yet. From someone who knows how hard it is to have that conversation, the growth and healing that comes from it are worth it.

Reading through these comments, I'm noticing what seems like a trend. Someone like u/Jedidiah_Edgington will give a sympathetic comment pointing out some of what is wrong with the situation you've described, but you seem to find something in it you can confidently disagree with. For example, in this case, that your parents never cared what anyone else thought. Setting the truth of that aside, I hope you're still internalizing the parts of these comments that may hold some weight. I say this out of concern, and I hope it doesn't come across as an attack. I think you went through something extremely shitty, and you don't need to feel overrun by internet strangers telling you what your own emotions are. It just struck me as a bit of a flag because I did similar things for a very long time. I was a fantastic mother-apologist. You don't have to decide that they're categorically terrible parents. Most people are neither all bad nor all good. But sometimes when it comes to parents, people can get defensive and end up missing the good parts of a message if it feels like other parts can be dismissed. God I hope this doesn't come off condescending as fuck, I've just played mental gymnastics on myself before, and it looked a lot like this. I hope you find the best way to move forward from here. You deserve to feel only good things about your new family.

This is what I should have responded. My parents didn't know that in this moment they cared what others thought over what I thought. It was only when we were talking through it that we all realized and understood the reason why they had assumed the rumor was true before asking me was because of the negative social connotations associated with the subject of the rumor.

Sometimes good and bad people do things without seeing why. It is only through reflection and understanding of what motivated us to act a certain way, that we are able to come to understand ourselves and make changes so that we can grow as people. Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone learns from them and that is the shame.

You need to tell them that you need to speak with them about a long term, uncomfortable issue that is still affecting you. Then lay it all out there and don't allow THEM to speak until you are finished. Not to be too petty, but they deserve to know what it feels like to be silenced like you were. They need to apologize and acknowledge how wrong they were for not believing you.

And tbh, you need to tell them that if they refuse to acknowledge how much they negatively affected your entire teenage years, including losing a schoalrship, it will continue to affect your view of them.

Families fuck up, I get that, but they need to be aware of the results of their actions.

My mom fucked up on a few things when I was a teenager and we had to have the 'come to Jesus' moment because I let the resentment build to the point of it negatively affecting our relationship/my adulthood. Families are weird. Good luck!

This is something you guy should probably hash out when you tell them about the pregnancy. They seriously messed up and need to be called out on the behavior. It will probably help you deal with your feelings, but it would also probably be a good idea to talk with a therapist on the matter.

I hate to tell you, but your parents are asshole morons, and your school are/were on dangerous legal territory reporting one bitchy teenage girl gossiping to your parents as if it's factual information.

Seriously - one shitty little drama-queen invents a story about you that's completely out of character and that alters the entire course of your life and causes a complete breakdown in your relationship with your family despite the fact it's almost immediately proven to be a total lie?

What the actual fuck is wrong with your parents? I'm not surprised it creates a "strange atmosphere" when it comes up - if someone reminded me about the time I completely and utterly failed as a parent at the most fundamental level, acted like an irrational shitwit, harassed and condemned my own child for years over a proven fallacy and accidentally derailed her entire academic career... well, I might feel a little strange about it and want to change the subject, too.

Frankly your parents are lucky you're even speaking to them at this point. Unless there's a huge chunk of exculpatory detail missing from your story they don't deserve to even be in your life any more, let alone on good terms with you and potentially having contact with their future grandchild.

THIS.
They owe you a goddamn apology. Several actually. They were emotionally abusive and didn't trust you, which cost you a lot of opportunities. I wouldn't even let them see your kid until you get one, because if you have a girl they'll just slut shame her too.

it’s not at all stupid to have residual shame from this. you were traumatized. these people ruined your teenage life and scarred your happy experiences. how dare they. i’m so angry on your behalf, this kind of shaming and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. furthermore, it’s not at all surprising or strange that these things should bubble up again now that you are expecting. that just means it’s time to deal with them for good.

you deserve to be happy, OP. these people have caused you pain and have had control over you for too long. I would highly recommend a therapist experienced in treating victims of emotional trauma to help you process these feelings. once your child comes, you’ll be glad you did the work.

I also think that there are many support groups out there for women who were raised with oppressive and shameful ideas about premarital or underage sex, women raised in this atmosphere are having a really hard time coming to terms with being married and suddenly having “permission to sin” because they’ve been taught their whole lives that sexuality is evil and should never be discussed.

you are not alone! congratulations on starting a family and best of luck to you.

I had a similarly oppressive upbringing. In my 20's I thought I was good with my parents.

But after my son was born, I was hit with overwhelming and primeval feelings of protecting my offspring. And over time, this twisted something inside me that led to disgust with my own parents.

You will know what a perfect parental love feels like the moment the nurses hand you your flailing offspring. You will know that what your parents did to you, you could never do to your own child.

When we're children, everything in our evolution screams at us to be loved by our parents, even if we have to make compromises. When you're a parent, compromises go out the window.

You're already twisted up over this - I fear things will only intensify once you have a child. It's just the nature of being a parent, but for your sake, if you can, find a good therapist who can validate these feelings you're having. Good therapy is a gift to yourself.

Honestly I'd be a lot less good with your parents - I'm sure there must be redeeming qualities, but everything you've just told me about them points to them being absolute cunts. Some girl at school randomly made up that you were pregnant, and they responded by unjustly removing a ton of your freedom and constantly making snide comments that absolutely upset you.

Don't get me wrong, the judgment, unfairness and lack of trust are all appalling responses to a situation where you had done no wrong (even if you had been having sex that is not something you should feel ashamed of), but constant sarcastic digs designed to hurt someone for no reason would be completely unacceptable behaviour coming from a teenager.

The idea that a parent who is supposed to support their daughter would do it even once let alone several times a day is horrific - I don't understand how you're good now, when they apologised about it their explanation for attacking their own daughter while she was vulnerable must have been amazing.

I wish I’d been given the chance to say anything. All of this happened while I didn’t have a clue. I just got escorted to the office and informed of the allegations. They told me at the meeting it was not a place for me to speak, same to the lying girl. It was apparently only a place for adults to speak. I believe the school was covering their asses legally as they were responsible for us and we were underaged.

By the time I got home. Took a test, told my parents the truth, everything looked so bad. The meeting was insane. Essentially just pure slut shaming.

Came here to say the exact same thing. In what world do just take what someone says as truth without looking into it. Especially in a situation like this where the evidence showed OP was not pregnant.

And shame on those parents for basically still believing this girl afterwords. “Well the test was negative so you’re lucky you’re not pregnant. But you still had sex so we’re going to treat you like an inmate for the next 2 years.”

You should ask yourself that question about this very post. This story has quite a few holes in it and doesn't seem likely at all. I'm not saying she made it all up for fake internet points, just saying something seems fishy.

Last week there was a post with a woman literally getting dragged into a car by human traffickers and barely escaping, yet never reporting it. I feel like the stories on this sub are just... not always fake, but questionable? People seem to love farming karma on new accounts here.

Faith, for me, is the belief that myself and other people will ultimately do good if given enough chances, and if they truly show repentance. I generally have faith in people but many manage to destroy it very quickly.

So no, I don't believe in God. Faith just has a personal meaning to me. In the past I was religious but I've distanced myself from those practices.

I’ve been suspended twice for quote “skipping school” but in all honesty I walked to 3 miles to my high school everyday just to get an education.

Never been suspended, never get in-trouble, yet one day I walked w/a friend into school 10-15min before the bell rang and brought some fast food I got on the way as I felt like starting my walk early for some RnR.

Shortly after Officers come along and escorted me & my friend across the school to Chillout to discuss why we left campus, difference here is I was dazed that I was even in Chillout that morning but I stood my ground and told them I just got to school.

They proceeded to ignore whatever we said and concluded to proceed w/the process of suspending us. I knew this outcome was inevitable so before it was all said & done I told them to pull up the footage of us being at school prior to the suspending.

Nobody listened but the cop actually reviewed the footage and they had us on footage entering the school from the English hall and called that evidence of us skipping.

So no it dosen’t surprise me that school did little to no legwork to determine how the girl had even gotten the information, who else knew or basic pregnancy test.

Just an instant guilty verdict.

EDIT: a word

So no it dosen’t surprise me that school did little to no legwork to determine how the girl had even gotten the information, who else know or basic pregnancy test.

This. OPs parents need to go get fucked. Everything OP writes is "oh I wasn't abused and they love me" but it's obvious OP carries so much pain from this (and I assume other shitty things they dismissed). OP, fuck your shit ass parents, and I bet if you told them to fuck off, you'd feel a billion times better. Now you're just holding it all in and carrying the emotional burden.

I will just say - the school rule in place made it basically impossible for me to defend myself properly. It immediately placed guilt and I can understand (only for the past year or so) that it looked to my parents extremely severe. They couldn’t really know just one comment led to this. In their minds, they built this up to be much worse than it was. It didn’t help that I just sat there silently crying. There was no opportunity for me to speak.

I tried after to explain everything but they did not believe me.

I love my parents, they never neglected or abused me in any way. If their only fault is this - I can accept that. I’m so glad that time has healed it. As hard as this was for me, I’m sure hearing this was tough on them, true or not. They were raised with strange ideas about sex. There is nothing I can change about it sadly :(

Obviously, our lives together have had far more situations than just this one. When the highlight is placed on something difficult, it somewhat exaggerates the nature of the relationship one way or the others

I get it, the reason I'm having trouble moving past it is the completely unacceptable nature of the thing. Everyone's parents make mistakes, my mother had a bad habit of losing her temper and apologising afterwards for instance, but some things go far beyond mistakes and that kind of treatment of your own daughter is one of them. 2-3 comments per day that have no purpose except to hurt and shame your daughter at the most vulnerable time of her life for something she A) didn't do B) shouldn't feel ashamed of if she had and C) would be in desperate need of support for if it were true? If I found out a teenage daughter of mine was acting that way towards someone she hated she would need to spend the next year finding ways to apologise for the harm she knowingly inflicted, a parent who is supposed to love their daughter is a hundred times worse.

Even if everything they believed was true and you were pregnant and having sex was a failing (neither are true), responding by attacking is an action that should have shamed anyone down to their very bones, let alone a church leader.

'Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.'

This. On the basis of a rumor started by a catty girl OP's parents created a living environment so traumatizing that a decade later she feels guilt about having had sex within the context of a marriage? That's fucked up.

Hey OP! I just wanted to point out that loving your parents and also acknowledging that they made a terrible mistake are not mutually exclusive. This is something that was legitimately traumatizing and that impacted your life in huge ways.

Systems set in place to support children (like schools and parents) failed you, even when they were confronted with factual evidence that you were not pregnant, which in addition to them simply asking the obvious logical question, "How the hell did this girl know that you're pregnant?", should've raised huge red flags about the other girl's lie. I know you say this is less about pregnancy and more about underage sex, but once the test came back negative, there would've been no reason for your school and parents to blindly think you were having underage sex. In sum, everything about this situation was not okay. Very not okay.

I know that the situation is complicated and it can be hurtful to confront your parents about this, but I think that you need to, in order to strengthen your relationship with them and most importantly move forward yourself. They owe you a serious, authentic, huge apology. Part of me thinks that you fear you won't get one and that will mean something about your relationship with them, but that fear already exists whether it's out in the open or not. It's also hard because doing so will force you to acknowledge the world of hurt and pain that you had to go through, but I'm not sure you can ever just magically resolve this without both you and your parents acknowledging the elephant in the room.

It sucks that you had to go through this and I hope that you are eventually able to move forward!

Hey OP! I just wanted to point out that loving your parents and also acknowledging that they made a terrible mistake are not mutually exclusive. This is something that was legitimately traumatizing and that impacted your life in huge ways.

Thank you! I also want to point out that knowing what happened to her was wrong doesn’t mean she has to hate them!

She’s a very empathetic person who can try and understand why a person who loves her would do this. Understanding that can make it easier to forgive and let go of resentment that won’t help her.

She knows what happened was wrong and knows she needs further healing based on the fact that she posted this in the first place.

I think her hesitation in labeling it as abuse is just that it was a situation-specific reaction that her parents had a (flawed) logical reason. Parents who come home and ground their child for a week because they decide the dishes were put away wrong and do this as a pattern their whole lives are much easier to identify as abusive.

I think OP has reasoned out why her parents thought something was going on. Negative pregnancy test doesn’t mean no sex was happening (lol, check out how many people trying to get pregnant post about negative tests and they are trying damned hard!(. Maybe she had a pregnancy scare or miscarriage or maybe they suspected it was just a rumor. I think they should have shown more trust and completely agree that all her support systems failed her. But it sounds like they were scared something was going on (cuz teenagers never lie, right?).

... if you caught your daughter sending nude selfies from her phone, would it be too extreme to take away her phone? How about making her share all her texts with you? Or using the internet only in the living room? Only with someone looking over her shoulder? Or banning her from the internet entirely. The nude selfies can have legal and lifelong repercussions. How far is too far?

It's clear you do love your parents, but ridiculing you with remarks for two years was certainly abuse. Do you think you'd get away with ridiculing a coworker with remarks for two years, or get fired?

People aren't perfect. We all love people who have done bad things, sometimes very bad things. Loving them doesn't make us bad, and it doesn't mean we have to say those people never did anything bad. I really hope you talk with your parents about this.

It's been more than ten years and through no fault of your own, you still have issues. That should tell you something. They even still refuse to apologise for what they did to you.

When I was in third grade, the school accused me of insulting another student, and then of lying about it when I told them that they had me confused with someone else. My parents pulled my sister and I from school, and homeschooled us until we started high school.

But time clearly hasn’t healed it if you still feel guilty for sex and pregnancy. You had consensual sex with a man you love. There should be no shame or guilt associated with that. At some point you internalized that sex was bad and not for respectable, religious girls. That is super unhealthy, especially since you followed their rule and were married. You deserve guilt free sex and pregnancy.

If you can’t seem to shake this feeling, I strongly recommend talking to someone. A female therapist who specializes in this sort of thing might help with these emotions.

My father is an objectively unfit parent through no fault of his own. Long story short he's brain damaged and a liability to people's safety.

I love him and I'm not angry at him for what I've experienced, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still the responsible party. Your parents may have their own issues and may have meant well, but ultimately it was their actions that hurt you and dismissing that reality is unhelpful no matter how convenient it may seem.

I was absolutely terrified to tell my mother I was pregnant, despite being a grown ass woman who'd been with the father for a decade.

Incidentally my mother was hell when it came to sex as a teen. She would bardge into rooms, refuse to let me have closed doors, read my texts, come home early in hope of catching me, verbally berate me for hours. This was from 15-20. I was with one person, that whole time.

I actually ended up bursting into tears when I told her, and I never cry. She was really confused why I was so upset and nervous and then went on to call me retarded for being so upset 😬

So no advice but I definitely get the weird feelings around pregnancy. Just make your partner aware of pre- and post-natal depression. I'm 99% sure my experiences made me more susceptible to post-natal depression.

I'm sorry, but I think you're letting your parents off too lightly. I know it's tough to look squarely at the bad things your parents did (because it's sad and can make you guilty etc) but here's a short list:

- they immediately disbelieved you - showing they had little trust in you

- they didn't give you the chance to explain or express yourself or have a voice at all

- your mother constantly, repeatedly shamed you and/or treated you with contempt with horrible comments 2 TO 3 TIMES A DAY for YEARS (I mean that Rihanna comment is just awful I cant even)

- your parents drastically restricted your life for years. They took away your freedom and your privacy. I cannot overstate how shitty this is. they chose to punish rather than support you.

- your parents created an environment where even now you feel scared and ashamed to be honest with them.

I'm sorry if this is blunt but I am so angry for you and so angry at your parents for putting you through this. It's horrible and abusive and 100% you are dealing with significant trauma right now. If you can please do seek out a therapist who can help you work thorugh it.

Also wtf at your school I just literally can't fathom that they took some random girl's word as gospel and didn't listen to you at all. WTF?! They ruined your life. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Your comment here shows that you recognized behaviors your parents exhibited. Yet you don't want to agree with the raised by Narcissists label. I feel for you girl. We, as Reddit, didn't give you what you sought. We instead caused you to defend your life, your family, hell, even your sanity. You are very adamant about blaming the school. You don't want to blame your parents because you love them and could never see yourself hurting them with such accusations. But the bottom line is this: They love you just as much, but they still hurt you. You will become a mom soon. When mom brain goes off,will you trust them with your child? Can Susanna stay with nana and papa one summer when she is 14 without you fearing? Can Peter visit one spring break at 16? Your feelings about the situation will change once you have your own child. You will begin to ask yourself "how could they do that to their child". The situation will stop being "to me" and instead still come from the view of "as a mother".

It's equally likely she just turns into her parents if she's going to validate them so much already. Plenty of kids do become their parents, especially after having kids of their own. She'll probably be overly protective of her own, trust her parent's judgement, she turned out great after all didn't she? She'll idealize what she'll be like at that age but by then, her kid will be beautiful, tall, and weird, and she'll be a scared old mother with no idea how to keep a leash on her developing child, just like her own mother.

My parents aren't anything like some of the examples I've read on /r/raisedbynarcissists, but my mom used to apologise sometimes for not being a good enough mom, or for pouring out her emotional baggage onto me, and I'd tell her she was a great mom and not to worry.

My dad and step-dad also had a lot of issues, but I didn't dwell on it too much.

My wife's parents were always too involved in her life, or so I thought, haha, and since I married my high school girlfriend, they'd had a long time to get under my skin.

Then, cut to us having our own children, and suddenly I look back at the ways I was treated and things they couldn't be bothered to do for/with me, and I realise "woah, I didn't have very good parents!"

Again, it's nothing compared to lots of people, they weren't terrible, just not very good. I thought of how much I love my kids, and how I could never treat them like I was treated (kind of as an afterthought a lot I guess).

Buy my wife's parents! I can't express how amazing they are, how much they're there for us, how much they do for our kids, it's amazing!

I just wanted to agree with your statement, it's revelatory how the lens you view your parents through changes once you become a parent.

My mom also made sex and pregnancy sound shameful, and in general made the topic one that couldn't be discussed with her.

I've done better by my daughter, and the proof of that is she'll ask me things she hears from her peers that she doesn't know about. She's comfortable enough to have a small conversation or discussion about it. As long as I don't pull out Power Points and laser pens and the such, and just stick to the science or truth of the question, she's good coming to me hahaha

Kid and i are both a work in progress! But i do love that she's comfortable asking questions or telling me about what's going on in her life. Usually it's drama in her friends' lives, she's rather vanilla lol. I used to tell my friends that my phone is more likely to have juicy stuff to read vs my kid's lol!

Children should feel confident that they can approach their parents when wanting to discuss any topic.
My dad always sent us to our mum, who was very honest with us. Even as a pre-teen asking her what a blow job was because I heard older children at school talking about it.

My children's father makes such a fuss about our daughter wanting to buy bras or go into Lush (he hates this, and makes a big deal about it). I dread to think how he'd react if she asked him about periods.

I was also afraid to tell my mom that I, a 27 year old married woman, was pregnant (for similar reasons). I told her, she did not say one word and hung up the phone. The next conversation was: “don’t use this as an excuse to get fat”. So helpful. But you know what? When my son was born she was an A+++ grandmother and has been to my now 19 & 15 year olds ever since. It can be a healing process. I hope the same for others who experienced this.

Look for some professional help.
Thb the only person who should be afraid is the girl spreading lies.
But talk with a person about it. Iam not saying it might happen but feeling ashamed and having some negative emotions is not worth feeling in what should be a good moment of your life.
Try to be a step in front and dont jeopardize your future relation with your baby.
Take care <3

You don’t avoid passing this onto your child without addressing it with your own parents. If you hurt your own child, would you want to simply shove it under the rug and let your child grow up without any closure? That’s what your parents have done with you, and your willingness to ignore it because it makes people uncomfortable says you’re okay with this type of behavior. I really hope you stand up for yourself to your parents sooner rather than later, because you’re going to have to teach your child how to do the same at some point in his/her life.

Love isn’t polite or kind; it’s honest. If you love your parents and have a good relationship like you claim you do, then discussing your past should be a priority right now. If they can’t handle this discussion, then it’s an even bigger priority.

My parents aren't awful, but now that I have kids I realise they weren't all that great. But what really gets me is how little time they make for their grandkids. They love them, and they talk about them with pride, but they have always expected us to come to them; they basically come twice a year for their birthdays and are always the first out the door.

Anyway, I hate confrontation, I shrink away from it whenever possible. My parents did some awful things since I've had kids, but I kept letting them slide until one day I finally sat down and wrote a very emotional letter to my mom. I even said how hard it was for me to say all this, but I needed her to hear it. She kinda addressed it, but mostly either downplayed things or said she'd change and didn't.

I still love my parents, but I suddenly felt this weight lifted. Like we begged and pleaded and got them to come for our son's first christmas. My step-dad pouted and loudly complained the entire time, attempting to ruin the day (I didn't let him, I just ignored). So after I write the letter and my mom is saying "we might not make it to Christmas because Grandma (my step-grandma) is coming over".

She's barely even finished her sentence and I'm saying "yep, sounds great, talk to you later". My wife starts trying to brainstorm and figure out how to get Grandma to our place so my folks can come and I just stop her and go "No. You know what? I don't want my folks here. Why would I want their bullshit during our happy time?"

So now we spend Christmas with our kids and her family, and I see my family a few days later.

Holy shit, sorry, just realised how long this is. My only point was basically:

Tl;dr: If you confront your parents they may not want to hear it, or they may not change, but it very well may change you for the better regardless.

The letter didn't change my parents, but it lifted a weight from me, and made me realise I care A LOT more about my wife and kids than I do about my parents.

I honestly don't understand why you write that, now, "things with your parents and you are a good". Your parents have shamed you for something that should not have shame associated with it. And it wasn't even true. They have taken some random girl's word over their own daughter's, even though she had an obvious agenda. Instead of standing up for you when you needed them, they sided with your enemy. They took away all their trust and confidence in you, for no reason, and not only pestered you with sarcastic comments, but also restricted your life to essentially one in a golden cage. They stole the happiness of your youth.

And they probably still don't acknowledge how absolutely they failed not only as parents but as human beings -- by treating their own daughter so badly.

No, it would be superhuman to forgive this as easily as you feel you have to.

The school process took my opinion and threw it out the window. They escalated the severity to a point where I simply looked totally guilty. Now my parents are not perfect - but they raised me well, with love and kindness. I was given a choice to be a Christian it was never forced.

I won’t blame them for this anymore, it brings me down and destroys a relationship that I need. I can’t say that this one experience has broken my love for them. It hasn’t.

With all due respect, if telling your parents how they made you feel back then (which was significant enough to affect how you deal with a major life event now) results in a destroyed relationship between you, it seems like the relationship was problematic from the start.

Acceptance and forgiveness is a virtue, but a familial loving relationship should not stop you from being open and honest with them. If it does, that love is grounded in hypocrisy. I know you may not intend to ever bring this up to them, but i hope for your emotional health (and the health of a child who will no doubt meet their grandparents) that you can one day discuss with them exactly how much pain they instilled in you.

You would not shame your child, you would not do what your parents did to anyone who trusts you. Why should you accept it from them?

You need to see a counselor about this. There is a place in the middle between absolving your parents of all guilt and cutting off all contact. The “school process” wasn’t fair or right. But when you came him, if you said “I’m not pregnant and I’m not even having sex” then your parents should have believed you. That you can’t even bring it up, the way they treated you for 2 years of your life, without fearing that you will lose them...you need help with this that reddit can’t provide.

You also need to understand that your relationship with them will get more complicated when you have the baby. If you still hold trauma, which you clearly do whether you can see it or not, it will impact your relationship with your parents as grandparents and with your child.

You keep blaming the school, but your parents are the ones who slut shamed you for 2 years and still refuse to admit they were wrong. Whatever the school system in place was, they chose to believe the worst because of their reputation. They should have given you some benefit of the doubt when the test came up negative.

And this is important, you need to not push this aside, not just for your child. You need to accept they were wrong, so you can learn not to make a similar mistake as a parent. This wasn't just loosing their temper and shouting something mean at you once, this was 2 years of intentional malicious abuse.

And finally, I'll be the bitch and say it, you asked for everyone's advice, everyone seems to be in agreement that what your parents did is fucked up, but you keep arguing they were good parents and it's the school's fault. You are having guilt, so it's clearly not something that's behind you, and you aren't scared to go tell the school you are pregnant, so put the blame where it belongs, or keep it to yourself if you don't want to hear what everyone else has to say.

For the past four years, my parents have consistently helped me through a series of difficulties.

I am absolutely taking what people say on board and am simply providing an explanation when it is demanded as to why I wasn’t believed.

People share their advice - I share my opinion - I take these comments and think - this is how life works. If you don’t like the way in which my brain works, that must be very difficult for you. These comments are all very helpful for me. I’m just not throwing my parents under the bus. Did they fuck up? YES. Do I hate them? No.

But clearly you need them to be accountable. I get it can be hard to reconcile the bad with otherwise good parents, but what they did still hurts you, and you won't feel better until you have a resolution. But I think it is important for you as a parent too to hold them accountable, because it will remind you that you are responsible for how your actions affect your child.

When I showed my dad my wedding dress, hoping for tears of joy, or the "you look so beautiful" he responded "I guess anyone can wear white now." (I had a daughter before I was married) my dad and were very close, I know he said it because he wasn't the kind to admit he was sad. It still hurts 11 years later. I hold on to it to remind me that once I say or do something as a parent that can hurt my kids, it's there. I need to try to fix it. You need them to apologize to you as their child but also for you as a parent.

I agree with you and I don't believe that strangers here on reddit who don't know you should be telling you how to feel about your own parents. When an institution, people who are seen as authority, contact your parents and express their concern, of course they will be worried about you. It isn't as simple as them siding with a girl from your school. It's a matter of them knowing that some teenagers lie and choosing whether to trust a potentially lying teenager or the group of adults who seemed to know what they were talking about. A group of adults who spend a lot of time with their child.

They reacted poorly but I can sympathise with their choice. And I know that it must be hard for you to deal with this but I think talking to them will be helpful for all of you. It's really unfortunate how it turned out but communication might just relieve this anxiety. If you feel you and your parents have a good relationship, it's certainly worth a try... I wish you the best of luck. You deserve to be happy about this and have your parents support.

But you still feel guilt. And you feel guilt not because of the school managing this badly. But because your parents emotionally abused you for years, and you dont want to blame them or feel anger towards them, or even acknowledge they abused you, so you are stuck with guilt.

I doubt you will get rid of the guilt if you dont go through the process of accepting you were abused by your parents.

As someone whose parents were also shall we say not perfect, I totally get what you're saying; you don't want to ruin this relationship by bringing up the past, and you of course love them. I feel the same way about my parents. But I can't help but feel that these emotions you're feeling are because you haven't completely processed what happened. You can love your parents and still acknowledge that they majorly fucked up, and in doing that you'll be able to honour your feelings, honour your experience and hopefully move forward feeling freer and less shameful in the future. It was only once I'd really explored (with a therapist) what my parents did that I could process it and work towards really forgiving them (rather than just suppressing everything). I still love them just the same. And now I've had the chance to actually talk to them about it, which has actually been cathartic. Things are more open. I mean, right now you don't feel able to be honest with your mom about hugely important things in your life - this doesn't sound like an ideal, supportive relationship. Through therapy and some honest conversations you may find you are able to have a more open and rich relationship with your parents than what you have now.

So let me get this straight. The precocious little trollop made the accusation and everyone just believed her. You confirmed a negative test....but they still believed at some point you were pregnant because of what she said?

There are so many WTF moments that you had to go through it makes me sick.

It was, I believe, the way the school made it seem like they had researched this thoroughly with other pupils and staff. They presented the whole situation in such a way as I was practically made out to be the school “bike”.

Got it. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You’re still too young to realize, but your parents don’t deserve you if they’re going to continue acting like narcissists. I hope the perspective on this board helps you realize that. It took me until I was 29 to see how my parents treated me my whole life and that it was never my fault. I hope you’re able to find the resolution you need to get through this.

I believe it was more the intense fear and shame they felt that changed everyone behavior rather than actual belief that she was having underaged sex.

In schools, rumors are everything. We have a saying where I work "perception is reality." People treat you like they think you are. And most people are NOT smart or logical. They likely took "shes sleeping around and now shes pregnant" to "shes sleeping around but the pregnancy scare was negative." Chances are the jealous brat who started the rumor was well liked by teachers, and people are absurdly ignorant of people they like... essentially "why would so-and-so spread such a damaging rumor unless it were true? Especially when a simple pregnancy test could disprove it? OP MUST be sleeping around!"

The girl had to be confident she would be believed to tell such an absurd rumor. Once people accept a rumor, it's basically impossible for them to let it go. It changes how they see you, look at you.

And when gossips get hold of a rumor, they will not let it go. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a second rumor of "she was pregnant, and she got an abortion." I also wouldnt be surprised if there were specific rumors of who she slept with, and even different boys claiming they fooled around with her.

I see you've posted this repeatedly. What's your basis for this observation?

And even if it were 100% false, so what? All it spent me was a few minutes of thought to give some understanding and advice that others may also find useful. If you think that is a poor thing to "fall for," you might consider reevaluating your outlook on life.

No, to this day they think it’s the truth. I tried to say otherwise but don’t bring it up anymore it causes a bad mood.

This highlights an incredibly serious issue with your relationship with your parents. Their refusal to believe you, and their reinforcement of that disbelief is going to be a massive contributor to your continued shame. As long as they are around and are reinforcing this, even subconsciously, I don’t see how you can heal.

Part of your ability to recover from this needs to be:

1)confronting them on their blind faith inba flawed system over their daughter

2)sharing your feelings and how this impacted you

3)asking them for validation and apology

Based on your response here, you are probably not well equipped to do that alone. Are you seeing a therapist? This is something to discuss with the therapist, and at the appropriate time- bring them in to that therapist.

I would go so far as to say that this needs to be a hard boundary. One where they cannot say “no”, and if they do- there is a massive consequence for them, something along the lines of “you don’t get to see my child.”

Because if you don’t face this and solve that problem with your parents... that shame won’t go away, and your subsequent behaviors are likely to model all of this to your child. And it sounds like you don’t want them to experience anything similar. A huge step in that is teaching them to stand up and advocate for themselves. How can you teach them to do that, if you haven’t done it yet yourself?

You said “you couldn’t say anything.” I disagree. I would have been shouting and talking over the teachers and principles calling this girl a liar, possibly saying She was the one who was having sex and she was putting it on me simply because of a math test. They wouldn’t have been able to shut me up. The second I got back to school- I’d be shouting it again, telling teachers, going to admins, etc. If they ignored it- I’d find other rooftops to shout it from.

That doesn’t mean that’s the best/ right way. But part of the issue I see here is you being trained not to advocate for yourself.

I could be wrong, grain of salt, etc. just what I see from what you’ve written.

I just don't understand. The test was negative, and clearly you didn't give birth. So how can your parents still think that you were pregnant? What do they think happened to the fetus, it evaporated? Sorry if I come across dumb but I just don't understand.

The school meeting particularly emphasised the shame and the lack of discipline in having underaged sex that can potentially lead to pregnancy. It sounded very much to my parents as though the teacher had thoroughly done their due diligence and reported back to them.

You say multiple times in this thread that your parents dont give a shit what others think, that they were just ashamed and worried about you having sex. But shame doesnt occur in a vacuum. It's a response to cultural expectations, and fear that others can observe your failure to meet those expectations.

Oh, I see. While it was quite easy to prove that you weren't pregnant, it would have been pretty much impossible to prove that you didn't have sex. I guess if they can't just believe your word, it would have been impossible to convince them otherwise.

One other thought on this. Again, get guidance from a therapist, but...

It might also be worth asking the girl, over Facebook messenger or some similarly trackable medium- “why did you do this?”

If you do it without anger, simply “I’m working through some childhood memories and I remembered this happening, and you saying this about me even though it wasn’t true. Did I do something to upset you first?” Etc. Make it super easy and safe for her to respond, without coming off as weak/ needy (bully personalities will often respond with more aggression to weakness). Again, a therapist can help.

But then you might gain hard, incontrovertible proof that this as a false accusation. And then when you bring your parents into a therapist, and confront them... when they refuse to believe you yet again, you can simply show them that proof.

Edit 2: for everyone asking about why no one realised there was no baby. The test was negative. The impact of underaged sex was the overarching concern for my parents and school staff. It was blown out of proportion because the school meeting was so severe and did not allow me to say a word.

Well I went through something very difficult and embarrassing/uncomfortable last year and had to have my parents see me through all of it. My husband was mostly away for work. It wasn’t easy but we discussed it. I’m not judging anyone nor am I looking for judgment, just reading comments and weighing them in my mind.

So everyone, to this day, believes the other girl, despite having absolutely no proof AND after you passed a pregnancy test? And you're only 25 years old now? This sounds like a story from the Scarlet Letter era. You're the same age as me, and this situation would have never happened. The other girl would have been suspended for lying and everyone would have gone on with their lives.

It was simply the school procedure to inform parents immediately if the allegation was made of underaged pregnancy. I suppose to legally cover themselves. I was not allowed to speak at the meeting and I was terribly socially awkward which did not help

If they still believe her to this day you very much need to talk to them. I suggested therapy in another comment. I think family therapy might be a great addition to individual therapy. Or at least maybe once you get to know your therapist a bit, inviting your parents into a session with you to have that conversation.

They weren't supportive, they did what parents are supposed to do which was to help you with your education and show face at your recitals.

You were abused. Your parents are extremists is they punished you for an unproven rumor about sex. That's the sort of thing that religious extremists do. When you love your children you don't traumatize them for unproven rumors.

I'm shaking with rage. You were bullied, controlled, and confined for years. No one that does that to you loves you. You can't love someone and control everything do while demeaning them at the same time. That's not love. That's not support.

Support would have been listening to their precious daughter. You were punished, harassed, and bullied by your own parents for years for literally NOTHING.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You didn't deserve the shame and guilt you felt then and you don't deserve it now.

Although I don't think this is the best method, you could have your partner advocate for you with your family. They could have a sit down and he could inform them that due to unresolved issues from your middle school experience, you're ashamed to inform them of your pregnancy. And in order to make this time a joyous one, they need to have an open and frank discussion with you.

They don't get to decide what your feelings should be. They don't. That's not how this works. What they did to you as a teen was abusive and caused trauma for you that has had lasting effects. That's real. Just because they've suppressed all their own feelings and issues and are probably pretty miserable people doesn't mean they can expect the same from you.

You didn't deserve any of what happened to you and you don't deserve this now. None of it was or is your fault. You said in your OP that you weren't "a perfect teenager" and that you fought with your mom about other stuff too, but a) there is no such thing as a perfect teenager, b) it's typical for teens to argue with their parents, c) of course you fought with your mom over other things if she was the kind of parent who would treat a child the way she treated you over the pregnancy allegation, and d) no one ever deserves to be abused, for any reason, no matter what.

Your were a vulnerable child who already had a hard time at school, who had worked hard to earn a scholarship, and when the girl who came in second place made up that you were pregnant I'm amazed that no one waited to hear from you before accepting it as plausible because she clearly had motivation to lie. But it's the job of parents to advocate for their kids when the kids can't do it for themselves. Instead, your parents were most concerned with the optics. They didn't care if it was true--the suggestion was enough to bring shame on the family, and they punished you for it. They acted in the opposite way from what was in your best interest and necessary to ensure your well-being.

You don't deserve to feel shame, but you do because of the way your parents treated you, and if they still aren't willing to be accountable for what they did to you they're not going to be helpful in overcoming that shame. Many of the other comments suggest therapy and I cosign that suggestion with a giant sparkly neon marker. You feel shame because you internalized the messaging you got about sex as a teen, so the healing needs to come from inside of you too. A therapist can help you achieve that; your emotionally abusive parents can't.

I'm not diagnosing your parents, but you might find it useful to check out r/raisedbynarcissists to see if anything there clicks with you. If it does, also check out The Invisible Scar (a website about a book by the same name) and Will I Ever Be Good Enough? (Amazon link to a book). Finally, whether or not the narcissism stuff seems to fit, CaptainAwkward.com is an amazing place that, no exaggeration, probably saved my life while I was trying to get into therapy last summer and fall to deal with my own issues. Have a look through the archives and the subject tags for anything that looks interesting and be sure to also read the comments on whatever posts you look at. She gets way too many emails to be able to respond to them all but it's been tremendously educational and empowering for me to read her and the commentariat's advice to others, even about things that don't really relate to my situation.

Good luck with everything. Congratulations on your pregnancy--I hope it goes smoothly and that you and your baby are healthy and safe. I wish you healing and joy and love.

Edit: After thinking about this some more I'm going to say it's extremely likely--almost to the point of certainty--that your classmate's lie was a convenient excuse rather than a catalyst for your parents to treat you as they did and keep you from going to the other school for reasons that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own hangups, insecurities, and issues. They knew they would look like the bad guys they actually were if they prevented you from going to the other school, especially after you earned a scholarship, so they sold you out and scapegoated you to make themselves look better.

Still about optics, just not actually related to shame for them. They'd have found other ways to abuse you if this one hadn't presented itself, but because of your classmate's timely lie that they took advantage of, now you have so much "bonus" trauma around them knowing you're sexually active (even though you're an adult and married) that you're ashamed to tell them you're pregnant. Shame on them.

When they accuse you of being dramatic (not true) and other things that don't match the reality of the situation, they're projecting. It's dramatic of them to allege that requesting a frank conversation about your feelings is comparable to what happens in soap operas. It was waaaaaaay beyond dramatic of them to virtually lock you in a tower for two years after someone told an obvious lie about you.

They alone are responsible for what they've done, and the great news is that that's true whether they acknowledge it or not. You just have to practice (ideally with the help of a therapist) trusting yourself and having that be enough.

Edit 2: Fixed a typo.

Edit: After thinking about this some more I'm going to say it's extremely likely--almost to the point of certainty--the your classmate's lie was a convenient excuse rather than a catalyst for your parents to treat you as they did and keep you from going to the other school for reasons that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own hangups, insecurities, and issues. They knew they would look like the bad guys they actually were if they prevented you from going to the other school, especially after you earned a scholarship, so they sold you out and scapegoated you to make themselves look better.

Good luck with everything. Congratulations on your pregnancy--I hope it goes smoothly and that you and your baby are healthy and safe. I wish you healing and joy and love.

Well shoot, I'm 33 and thanks to you I just figured out my mom is a covert narcissist. I had the narcissism part figured out already (albeit only in the last few months) but I didn't know there were different flavors. Thank you so much for tipping me off and for the compliment!

It sounds to me like your parents are completely unapologetic about a massive failure as parents for a significant portion of your life, and managed to deflect all blame regarding the situation unto you, effectively neutering the part of you as a person that could actually make them confront their own failures. This is selfishness on a deep, foundational level.

I want to be absolutely clear on this: this accusation of being overdramatic, that is a calculated and concerted effort to make you weaker as a person because they know if that part of you were strong, they would have to face up to what they did in the past and they don't want to do that.

This situation is not "over and in the past", your parents are still sabotaging you to this day for their own emotional well being.

I agree so much. I'm a 32-year old woman with a family of my own, and to this day I have residual resentment towards my parents for always, always, undervaluing my emotions and reactions to certain situations. Every time I cried or got audibly upset while talking to them, I was immediately told to stop being overdramatic and that my crying "makes them even angrier and unwilling to listen to me." This was the cycle- we'd have a discussion, it would become a disagreement, they'd completely stop listening to me, I'd get upset and cry, and then get told that they wouldn't listen until I stopped crying.

It absolutely is manipulation and people like that will NEVER apologize.

See now you're getting me confused. All over the post you're telling people that your parents are good peeps, but then you say they would call you "overdramatic" for trying to open-up about something that might've scarred you for life?

But that is part of what makes them not possibly as good as you say they are. The fact that they are unwilling to accept responsibility for how they behaved to you in the past is an aspect of your parents that is "bad" no matter how "lovely and supportive" the rest of your upbringing may have been. I understand that you want to maintain your relationship with your parents and not strain it further, but I and pretty much everyone else are very concerned that by not acknowledging the fact that your parents did something very cruel to you that you are not really allowing for the possibility of a healthy relationship with either your parents or possibly your future child going forward. I know everyone else has recommended this to you as well, but I cannot urge you strongly enough that this seems like an issue that it would be highly beneficial for you to discuss with a therapist at some point.

Yeah well, they're irrefutably wrong. This isn't a two sided situation, they ruined your childhood based solely on a rumor which was disproved within 24 hours. Edit: this is your trauma and nobody has any right to dictate how you feel about it, especially the aggressors in the situation. Imo your best course for moving forward and feeling better is to accept that you were wronged and that your parents are responsible, and avoiding that responsibility is an indication that they aren't in the right here.

If your parents accidentally backed their car over your foot, that would have been an understandable accident. If they then told you it didn't happen, refused to get medical attention and made it worse by forcing you to walk on a broken foot for 2 years, that's abuse. Even if they sincerely believe that your foot wasn't broken. They failed you.

It never will be if you can't be honest with them about their feelings, and if they can't acknowledge theit responsibility for those feelings. If they can't/won't own up to this catastrophic failure as parents, will they own up to it when they hurt your child?

Well that's easier, isn't it? They have to dismiss your feelings and hand-wave it away as being over-dramatic and "making a big deal about nothing" otherwise they'd have to admit they fucked up big-time.

All you probably want is for them to acknowledge what they did and apologize.

However, it doesn't sound like they ever will, so either you have to be ok with this significant snarl / sore spot in your shared history or you get yourself some help. Not just to help you process what happened and how it's still affecting you, but maybe also to arm yourself with some tools that will let you bring this up with your parents and IGNORE the bad mood/oppressive feeling that descends upon the room whenever this is brought up with them.

would incur a reaction of “don’t talk like a soap opera...” and accuse me of being overdramatic

You mean, they'd directly shame you again?

So nothing has changed. They're still willing to call you weird or accuse you of drama or shame you for speaking in a way they don't approve of. No wonder you don't want to tell them your eyes pregnant! Nobody would want to! That's a normal human reaction to a person who has consistently shamed you when you do anything they don't like (even down to how you speak)!

I’m sorry, but that is classic, textbook emotional abuse. It is not okay for your parents to dismiss something that has caused nearly a decade of pain for you.

I know that you live your parents and need their support, but I definitely agree with other posters that sorting out your feelings with a therapist, at least, would help a lot if you aren’t ready to talk to your parents about this.

This is abusive behavior, I hope you know that. You say that your parents only abused you the one time for two whole years, but the fact that you believe this would be their response is telling.

No one just hears bad news and starts emotionally abusing their kid. You've lived with them your whole life, so it probably doesn't seem that bad or seems normal, but it isn't.

Id guess you have a bunch of emotions going on regarding this because how can you possibly trust your parents? How can you trust they arent going to say something terrible? Or be horrible to your child? They clearly arent over what happened when you were a teen, or it wouldn't cause a bad mood. What happens when they bring that over to your child? Can you trust they won't make comments about you in front of your child? Or even about your child/to your child?

I think the advice for professional.help is solid. There is probably a whole lot to unpack.

The fact that you predict that they would say something that is textbook manipulative and incredibly disrespectful, but you believe that they aren't abusive... I don't even know what to say. You can still love your parents and see good in them, while acknowledging that they have abused you. You will get nowhere singularly blaming the school and its procedures. Your parents treated you terribly, and it's that terrible treatment that continues to affect you. I don't believe for a second that if your parents had rallied behind you, had questioned the system, had believed you, had given you more freedom, and had put less emphasis on sex as a determinant of your worth, that you would be feeling like this. Even if everything else was the same. I agree with every comment suggesting that you speak to a therapist. This is something that has traumatized you, and it is not silly. It is not ridiculous. And it certainly isn't melodramatic.

OP, I'm not saying this to upset you but you need to hear it: this is emotional abuse. A single comment led to your parents gaslighting you for literal years, punishing you for something you didn't do (in ways, frankly, had you been having sex, would have been highly inappropriate), and now instead of admitting responsibility they dictate how you are allowed to feel about it. They and the school are 100% responsible and just because you were powerless when the school confronted you, your parents certainly were not and they could have questioned the school and learned that they had absolutely zero evidence. How you want to proceed is obviously your decision, but in my opinion your first step to moving on is to accept that things are not "all right" with your parents, this story is tragic and heartbreaking. I'm really sorry that you are going through all of this.

You should then point it out to them that they're being overly dramatic themselves when they caused you to lose your scholarship and freedom in your childhood over something that you didn't even do. They don't get to decide to be overly dramatic or not when it's convenient to them.

Seriously, I understand that you think they're loving but they're not. I wouldn't speak to them if they don't love you enough to recognise the hurt they caused you and try to repent for it. As I said, they only do things when it's convenient to them. Never a thought for you. The healing you mentioned is probably them convincing you that it's no big deal and get you to apologise for things so they forgive you and each other, then back to being a 'happy family' while you still suffer the scars.

Some girl just said that you were pregnant without any proof and every single adult bought it?

That part doesn't make sense to me either. She even took a pregnancy test that showed she was negative, yet her parents still treated her as if she had got pregnant? Something doesn't add up. I assume there is more to the story than OP is telling us.

I've read so many of your responses but think about it this way. If you saw your friend being abused by her boyfriend but he paid for all her things and all the other times showed that he loved her, would you defend him? All the good doesn't negate the bad. They are separate events. It's the same as if your husband beat you. Just because he apologized doesn't make the bruises go away. And as you've said they didn't even apologize. Abuse is abuse whether or not there are physical marks.

I mean someone can be a good person their entire lives and then murder someone. Does that mean that the murder isn't a big of a deal because they were nice before that?

But they continue to shame YOU for THEIR mistake. They don't acknowledge THEIR mistake, and you can't even talk to them about THEIR mistake without feeling horribly guilty and knowing they will call YOU dramatic. For being hurt by THEIR mistake! You are doing so many mental gymnastics to keep from holding them responsible that YOU feel guilty for being in a loving marriage and expecting a child.

I read through all the comments, and I hear you say over and over that "it was the school's fault" and "my parents didn't have a choice". OP, I want you to read my words. This was your parents' fault. The school contributed, they presented evidence to your parents, but your parents chose to believe it. Your parents punished you for years, not the school. The school did one thing. Your parents did everything else. No one was following behind your parents at every moment telling them to make hurtful comments and to shame you. They chose to do those things on their own, given the "evidence" they were presented. Stop saying your parents did nothing wrong.

If it was the school's fault alone, why would you be afraid to tell your parents? Shouldn't you just be afraid of the school? Your parents' actions made you afraid to have sex and get pregnant. And, to be honest, since they haven't apologized and still refuse to believe what really happened back then, they are still inadvertently telling you that sex is wrong. Until you settle things with your parents, and make them actually discuss it and hopefully have them apologize, you will continue to feel that sex is wrong and that your parents are ashamed of you.

TwoX is trying to give you advice to overcome what you're going through right now, but it seems that you want to ignore the source of your feelings and just address the outcome. Your parents are the source of your bad feelings, and until that is addressed, the outcomes will continue to be bad. In the back of your head, you will always hear your mom slut shaming you. When she smiles when you tell her you're pregnant, you'll worry what she's thinking on the inside. You don't deserve to feel that way because of what they did. If you really want things to be good with them, you need them to tell you that you did nothing wrong all those years ago. You need them to tell you that their attitude about sex broke you and hurt you, and they need to be sorry for it.

You said everything I was going to say to OP, just with more clarity and grace than I could muster. I agree completely this all stems from a lack of resolution with the parents, and a big part of that is OP being fully honest with herself about how badly her parents failed her. Once the extent of the failure is grasped, the extent of the apology required from them should become apparent.

All I can really add to this is that I'm very disappointed to see some of OP's comments being downvoted in the thread. This place is for support and advice, in that order. It's amazing to me that people who disagree with OP's perspective are hammering the downvote button rather than trying to talk it out with her.

I believe that you should talk to your parents.
You should finish with tell them that you love them, that you want them be part of your child future but they need to apologize first. Tell them how this 2 years made you feel, how it affected you life. DON'T let them interrupt you!

This may seem a little nutty, but I'm going to recommend two books for kids. They are It's So Amazing! and It's Perfectly Normal.

The books are about sex. When you have kids of your own, just leave them where the kids can find them, or if they ask you can read them. (The first book, It's So Amazing!, is for little kids, like 3 years old. When you go to have another child, your first will start to wonder "How did the baby get in there?" This book is for that situation.)

The nutty part is that I'm going to suggest that you get a copy of each book right now, and read through them both, trying to see them through your own eyes when you were younger. I'm thinking you can maybe see some new and healthier attitudes about sex, both to keep your own children from having the kind of problems you're having now, and maybe to help you work through some of what you're dealing with now.

What gets me about the objections is how crazy they are. Some are "little girls shouldn't see depictions of male genitalia" or the like. My little girls had a baby brother; they already knew what male genitalia looked like. And "kids don't need to know about abortion" - do kids never see any of the constant media coverage of the subject?

Those attitudes work out to "this is important and they're going to hear about it but they shouldn't know what it is." Completely broken.

Edit 2: for everyone asking about why no one realised there was no baby. The test was negative. The impact of underaged sex was the overarching concern for my parents and school staff. It was blown out of proportion because the school meeting was so severe and did not allow me to say a word.

Edit: Re-reading this, I feel like it might come across as sort of aggressive. Not my intent, just what I see from my view. I hope you're doing okay OP.

"Incredibly supportive" vs “of course you like naked writhing bodies." though, you obviously were not pregnant, there was no record of with you with any boy and yet they still didn't believe you, knowing about the competition with the other girl, in addition to lessening your academic progression and future, don't sound supportive to me.

It sounds like your sort of telling yourself this without actually believing it.

It's hard to move on when you can't get an apology for this massive issue of disrespect and pain they put you through.

I hope you mention your legal intentions so they might help, and also importantly realise that this is a big issue and not something to brush under the rug, again.

Oh god. I don’t think I could help but be a complete bitch to my parents and withhold their grandchild from them. At least some snarky comments!

But alas, that isn’t what you’re going for. You’re mature, and your parents were immature. You want to rise above it.

So, from a parents perspective, it’s very hard to know what kids are really doing and when they are lying. Even if you think you know, there is still this doubt in the back of your head. I’m sure they thought they were doing right by you. It’s probably the best they knew how to be. Maybe talk to your mom. Tell her it was very hurtful. Maybe she will realize what she has done. An apology could go a long way, however, you may never get one.

My mom accused me of having sex at 12. She thought I was pregnant when I naturally skipped a period (it was probably due to stress). I learned later that she thought I had an abortion somehow. Wtf ma? This was all untrue, but coming from your own mother, it really hurts.

I just have to think, whatever. She’ll probably never believe me. We don’t have a good relationship, so I don’t try anyways.

As a former teacher, and also as someone totally outside the situation, the most upsetting and disappointing detail in this story is the number of adults exercising adult judgment involved and the complete absence of anyone who so much as thought to ask you a question or two and hear what you had to say. We know kids lie and mostly lie to get out of trouble, but we also know that kids lie and lie to get each other into trouble. There is absolutely nothing to be lost and so much to be gained for everyone involved in just listening a little bit before drawing damning conclusions like they did. That was the biggest injustice done to you here.

I wouldn't even fault the kid (who was also a kid) who made the false accusation so much. She was a kid trying out corrupt behavior for whatever reasons there were for her to take that route, and it could have been a big learning moment for her. That she got what she wanted for it, and that you were made to suffer for her vendetta, is a massive failure on the part of all the adults involved.

Oh fuuuuck they led the local church. I know you keep reiterating in the thread your parents did not push their religious beliefs on you, but in this case a girl literally used that to her advantage to ruin your life.

The gravity of that school meeting doesn't matter. They refused to use logic for two years after, and never even gave you enough respect to give credence to your point of view. That's insane.

A few other experiences you've mentioned also fall right in line with classic emotional abuse (ie the 2-3 comments per day). I'm sorry you went through this. I hope you are able to find the right resources for healing.

We’ll gladly my parents weren’t. They never told me or asked me to be a Christian. They’re extremely normal to meet in person. I’ve met plenty of people who are not religious who think underaged sex is dangerous/shameful. Yes, it’s wrong. But nothing to do with religion at least in this case

Ok what the actual fuck. I would have raaaaggeeed. Hard. The school didn’t even question who it was told by? They didn’t look into anything? I am so pissed off for you and I hope that girl got kicked hard by karma’s ass.

I'd be willing to bet that the wording is probably "teacher must tell parents if they find out student is pregnant". But the thing was most likely intended to be for when a student confides in a teacher about their own pregnancy. It's most likely a case of adhering to the letter of the law rather than the intent.

The other girl should have been dismissed with "that's a nice rumor now get to your next class."

Honestly, it sounds like this other girl realized that you wouldn’t know how to fight for yourself and used that fact to isolate you from your support structure so that she could win in this underhanded way while facing no consequences. Ultimately, your parents are probably at fault, since it sounds like up to that point they’d supported you and then they flipped on you suddenly without even giving you the benefit of the doubt. How is a 14 year old supposed to deal with that?

It might help you to talk to your parents about it, and let them know that you actually weren’t sexually active at that point, and that their inability to trust you or treat you reasonably has left you feeling guilty about sex in general. Maybe they will apologize for hurting you like this.

I feel genuine rage on your behalf. My parents were also church leadership and premarital sex would have been a huge issue for them BUT they would have never believed other people over me and would have defended my honor to the very end had something like this occurred (especially with a negative pregnancy test). Even if they couldn't have fixed the school side, they'd never have treated me like I was actively looking for sex around each corner. It makes my heart ache for you. You deserved more trust than that.

Lol for real. Like that's where the story ends? She's locked up in her room for two years? What were the repercussions for the girl who made up the false story that was proven to be false? Did your parents not bring up anything to the school after it was proven? Did people make fun of your for being pregnant for two years? Wouldn't they know your not pregnant if you didn't even talk to anyone

Account is 2 days old because I didn’t want to use my usual one. I wasn’t sure whether to post this or not as I believe the details are very distinct and if someone from my school in Wales were to see, they would know. If you feel there are any gaps I’d be happy to fill them in for you.

Naw I completely agree with him that this is bullshit. What person being accused of something like being pregnant doesn't immediately go "um but I'm not pregnant!" You said you were 14? That's plenty old enough to tell your parents that you aren't pregnant and the other girl is lying. Who the fuck would believe some 14 year old girl that another one is pregnant anyways. Total horseshit. They wouldn't have started the conversation with 'so we heard you're pregnant' it would start 'so Ashley says you're pregnant. Is that true?'

the account is 2 days old and there is another post on TIFU that says she was with her ex last year in Germany. on this post it says that last year her parents helped her a lot while her husband was away.

apparently OP has broken up, gotten married and pregnant in just a few months. all of that with a 2 day old account with really explosive posts.

I just want to say that you’ve been very mature about all of this. Many people twice your age arent able to deal with things like this like you have. Still, I hope you’ve accepted that what they did was wrong and that at the same time it doesn’t mean you have to stop loving them.

My parents made a lot of mistakes when I was growing up. And by “mistakes” I mean they did some frankly abusive stuff that is not ok. I love them and we’ve worked out our problems (for the most part). But that would never have happened if they hadn’t apologized to me and acknowledged that what they did was wrong. I hope you get to that point with your parents.

Hearing my dad say he was sorry for mostly abandoning me as a child was very liberating. He’s not a bad person and I’m sure your parents aren’t bad people either. But my dad fucked up and your parents fucked up and the only way to fully move on is to confront that fact head on.

While I'm sure your parents were not abusive before, the amount of comments and how shaming they were is most likely the most traumatizing thing that occurred, and rightfully so might I add. Getting closure about that may help you through this pregnancy...

Bit tilted by how everyone believed her lies over you telling the truth... seems really unfair and I wouldn’t forgive my parents for it. You should definitely speak to them about how’s it affected you.

I was 29 and in a 5 year relationship with the father (still am with him) of my first child. I have a big family and a lot of my siblings had children prior to marriage so it wasn’t supposed to be a “big deal”. BUT, I always felt there was so much pressure on me my entire life. I got in trouble for everything! Even if what I was getting in trouble was not true. I had a very strained relationship woh my parents. Always always always with the comments.
When I was going to tell them I was pregnant, I was shaking. I didn’t think I could do it. I kept thinking I was going to get “in trouble”. But for what? I owned a house with my wonderful boyfriend and we were grown adults. I was so scared. It should’ve been a joyful moment leading up to it. I almost broke down before we got to their house. When we told them they cried tears of joy, they were so happy. Deep down somewhere I knew they would be happy, but I still feared punishment.
Hope for the best. They sound religious so maybe tell them this is God’s gift/blessing. If they seem disappointed or have some sort of little comment, maybe say “I married a wonderful man and we are so happy to be blessed with a new family member. Whatever you believe a high school enemy said, happened in the past, let it be. Let’s enjoy this new chapter!”

I feel this post so much. My mother also accused me of having sex when i was not. I had a high school "boyfriend" but refused to have sex until i was 18 because i didn't want him or myself to get into trouble.

My mom didn't believe me. She accused me of having sex every opportunity and wouldn't let us hang out in the same room unless the door was open AND she could see inside of it. She would literally watch our every move.

One day my goofy high school boyfriend got a job and came home from work super tired. He ended up falling asleep on the couch all sprawled out. I laid down to play video games facing the opposite way (my feet near his head and vice versa, he was under the blanket and i was not) and i ended up falling asleep, too in the living room

This incident caused a rift in my mom and my relationship. You see, we were SLEEPING TOGETHER! In our heinous crime, we were doing the literal definition of that phrase, but because of the "negative" connotations with the nonliteral version of that phrase, we were accused of having sex.

The fights between my mom and i were unreal. It caused a lot of issues in our relationship and i made sure that she knew years later that the only reason that i lost my virginity at 17 instead of 18 was because i figured that if she was dying to accuse me of doing something i wasn't doing then i should just go ahead and do it!

You gotta do you. Have this kid and prove that you always did it the responsible way!

Edit: My last "fuck you" to my mom was my final decision to never have kids. I have a few genetic illness that would not only give trouble quality of life, but put my own life in jeopardy if i got pregnant. No grand kids for you to fuck up in the head!

As I said above, I did take a test that was negative. They were more upset about the underaged sex. And we didn’t discuss time lengths. I am currently almost 12 weeks and it may not show for another month yet - so that’s unimportant I guess

I'm a bit of an screw up and I am no one to give advice so obviously I will anyway. I was a rough kid, teen in the 90s. My parents went through the mill with me and I still have issues with a lot of what I was taught about right and wrong by parents, teachers etc... I'm not my parents. I have 4 kids and all of my mistakes HAUNT me with every move I make as a parent because I see the stupidity in them.
I do not pass this on to my kids by way of shaming intentionally and to combat this I've raised my kids from birth to know that if I do it then they can tell me and we can talk about it. This nearly always leads to rephrasing or further explanation. A lot of the time they do not like what I say but they understand why. Sometimes I am wrong and openly admit it to them so they have a win and build confidence from it. I feared my parents, community judgement in a lot of ways for a while but then I was told that in combat a feared leader is in danger of being shot from both sides but a respected leader always has a shield of people willing to take the bullet to keep you safe for the mission because they need you.
Make sure your children respect you and can correct you respectfully so they know when the bullets (gossip) starts flying they know who they can trust. And OP, words and opinions are only as valuable as the value that you assign them. Congrats on the baby. Best of luck.

Every adult there failed you. From the principal, to the teachers, to your parents. I am so very sorry you had to go through that. My oldest daughter went through something similar in her junior year. She was accused of selling drugs. Immediately after talking to the principal, she called me crying, and told me what had happened. I asked her if she was selling drugs, (I knew damn well she wasn't) and when she replied no, I told her to quit crying. "Go fix your make up, and walk out there with your head up. You did nothing wrong, don't let those girls have the satisfaction of seeing you upset." Then I called the principal. He apologized for not calling sooner, but was trying to get to all the girls accused before word got out. He didn't believe she was involved at all, but due to the amount of girls that were named, he had to talk to all of them. Now that you're going to be a mother, my number one piece of advice is this: Talk to your kids about EVERYTHING. Don't lecture, have actual conversations. Answer their questions as honestly as you can. That way, when they become teenagers, they'll be comfortable coming to you with anything. If you actually know your kid, what happened to you can be avoided.

It really is! I was the 4th person my son told when he lost his virginity... Of course he had to tell his 2 best friends first, and then his older sister 😂 After that, he'd just ask me to get condoms for him, which of course I did! I get to raise these awesome humans, and then when they're adults, still get to be friends with them.

What is there to say? It's completely ridiculous that someone SAYING you were pregnant at a young age did this much damage without you even getting a half-way reasonable opportunity to counter that claim.

But you could always consider suing the school board for emotional damage and/or whatever else a lawyer deems appropriate if it's not too long ago by your local laws. It's definitely done a lot of emotional damage, which is not in the least surprising. If not for money, then at least because it could be cathartic. It's up to you, you know best what you want.

As for the reason why I'm sure that this reaction is absolutely ridiculous... My sister actually HAD sex with her then-time boyfriend at age 14. My parents were NOT pleased, and she was grounded for quite a while, but it never resulted in anything as drastic as what you experienced. Nor did the school board freak out as much. They later caused us a lot of trouble for unrelated reasons, but (perhaps due to different laws) they never did anything as ridiculous as they did for you.

Also, as others keep iterating, talk it out with your parents. Have a psychologist you trust present if necessary. It's obvious that it's still haunting you after all this time.

I just wanted to let you know how much I understand this. My mother never let me take the bus for this reason and NEVER let me drive the car alone for fear of me messing around. This was due to some girls my age at my church group being reportedly "promiscuous" and weirdly, a sexual assault that happened to me when I was in 6th grade. I would sometimes come home from school in a happy mood and my mom would assume it was because I had messed around with guys, despite my denial, and be in a foul mood with me all evening. She would become angry with me if I had guy friends that I mentioned or saw me talking with boys while waiting for her to pick me up from school/church activities.

The thing she didn't realize was how personally I took this and how wracked I was with guilt if I even kissed someone, and therefore had little interest in actually being with anyone. I assume she was trying to protect me after what happened to me when I was younger. But it took me awhile to get over all this. I felt a lot better after I left the religion that gave my mom this whole ethos and therapy in my early twenties. It's not weird to feel guilty. I wish you a happy and peaceful pregnancy!

Unless you have a history with your parents, they should believe you above everyone else. Sounds like they were more worried about religion than your well being. Also your principal and others had no proof. Did you tell parents about the other girl, you guys competing academically, etc?

I’m probably gonna get some
Backlash for this one , but if you knew you weren’t pregnant or sexually active , then why didn’t u say something when in the principals office , or when your parents began closely monitoring your every move. I mean I understand being young and scared, but if a classmate deliberately lied about something that ruined the next years of your life , then why be silent.
I could see if the classmate was only telling other classmates , but she literally changed how your OWN parents , your teacher and principal viewed your character.
I’m guessing it wasn’t as easy as just proving you weren’t pregnant

While I feel bad for you, this story is ridiculous. If you weren't pregnant in the first place, why did you concede that the girl won? Your parent locked you away like Rapunzel, because a jealous girl made up a rumor about you, because she wanted to be the top mathematician? Why didn't you fight girl and/or your parents in the principal's office, if you knew you weren't pregnant?

I'm sorry, I know this was difficult for you and has affected you emotionally, years later; however, this story could have been solved so easily. You parents are horrible, the girl is horrible, and the principal is horrible. This story is Twilight Zone level.

As I’ve mentioned, I was told to be quiet in the office and that it wasn’t my place to speak. I did try. We weren’t even the top mathematicians, it was just for a space in the top class! It is indeed ridiculous. The smart kids were already in

I’m sorry for the language but that other girl is a cunt. There’s no other word for it, she was so petty and damn spiteful that she wasn’t as good as you at something that she was willing to all but destroy your childhood and your teenage years. Fuck that little cunt, I hope she’s had an awful life.
You’re naturally going to feel some shame and embarrassment but with your parents being religious like you said I’m sure the fact you’re married and pregnant will override anything from the past, they’ll mostly be super excited to be proud, molly coddling grandparents.
I’m so sorry that happened to you :(

Op, some of the responses you're getting are truly reprehensible, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with that.

I hope you can get some therapy, because this was definitely a series of traumatic events, from the accusation to the ensuing emotional abuse. While teenagers are definitely unconscious of consequences and therefore have a propensity to horrible actions, the consequences of such actions need to be addressed. Likewise parents who can't get over their sense of morality to actually parent their children. I'm sorry for this - I, too, grew up in a religious environment that made the teenage years pretty terrible.

The most painful part about this is your parents believing a stranger over their own child. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Best to remind yourself you're not the 14 year old anymore. You're an adult, married and about to have a child. When you tell your parents your pregnant, remind yourself they had sex to have you. It might help with the shame you feel in telling them you're pregnant. It can be hard, but try not to feel ashamed. Most important thing now is taking care of yourself and the little one growing inside you. Best of Luck.

I’d say just be open with your mother about the pain that event caused you. Maybe expect and accept that there will be pushback, but if you remain calm and show her how seriously that affected you and your relationship with her, then you might have some closure for the event. You could read this story to her too to show you’re not kidding.

Then, only voluntarily, forgive her. It needs to be voluntary because that’s the only way to face this thing, otherwise it’ll feel fake or forced. It needs to be something like a thought you say to yourself: “I willingly and voluntarily take up and contend with the task of forgiveness for so much hurt.”

That’s how I’d approach it, but then again, you know the situation best and all the context and feelings you can’t depict in a short story. I wish you the best of luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy! It’s a beautiful thing!

Honestly, I think the girl who made the false claim should be very ashamed of herself, because she could not accept that you won, and she retaliated in the most cowardly way. I think she and your parents, and everyone involved in that owes you an apology you may never receive.

You should find a way to not be ashamed, because you never did anything wrong. It's OK to feel and express anger about this too, if you do. Experiencing anger isn't wrong. Being angry isn't wrong, being cruel is.That's something I learned in my own life, mostly while watching my husband's parents abuse him and him feel guilty every time he got upset about it. They'd made him feel he had no right to anger. We all have the right to be angry. It's what you do with the anger that counts. You express it and work through it, and learn things, without hurting others. It's a life changing thing- or at least it was for my husband. We're both better off now that he feels like he can experience and express any thing he feels around me.

You can protect your child from being shamed into such pain. It was a manipulative thing the other girl did to you, and your mom used shame and guilt to control you. You missed out on doing things that you had worked toward and wanted for yourself as a result. You can avoid doing that to your kid, and use open dialogue and build trust instead. You can encourage them instead of squashing them and holding them back.

You know your mom better than any of us, so if you think it would be helpful and maybe improve your relationship with her, talk about the first "pregnancy" and how that lie changed your life, and let her know you really are pregnant now and feel conflicted about telling her because of the shame she heaped upon you when you were a kid who hadn't even had sex yet.

Your parents got played by a 14 year old girl who was jealous of you. So in that way they are absolutely a failure as parents. They trusted strangers more than a child they raised, if anything this should highlight how terribly shortsighted they are. To worry more about reputation in your local church than the well being and feelings of your child makes me sick. If it was me I’d cut them out of your life in any and every way possible. The fact that they still haven’t apologized for basically turning you into a prisoner for 2 years is a sure sign of abusive personalities. Also after a few mounts wouldn’t it be obvious you weren’t pregnant? I know religious people are really in the dark on sex Ed but cmon that’s pushing it, it’s not rocket science figuring out if a teenager is pregnant. What do I know though, I’m just a stranger on the internet. Don’t ever feel guilty for living your life to the fullest.

No need to reply here. I just want you to know that there are many many people who have grown up with parents who behaved very badly (all of the time, near all, some of the time, occasionally.) We who have survived this traumatic entry into existence feel and know your pain. Many who have had the fortune of a very supportive home also feel for you and are hoping that things go well in your life. So: A lot of people are behind you, holding up up in their thoughts, saddened by what you went through.

You noted that your parents had somewhat redeemed themselves by helping you through non pregnancy / sex related issues. I have to wonder if a fair number of those were brought about by the devastation that you suffered when this situation happened.

The past can't be undone, for all the needing and wishing in the world. If you have chosen to try and put together a relationship with your parents, or to work on healing the one you have, more power to you. Its 100% your choice, and no one else's.

I'm pretty sure you would benefit from some kind of support group. There are many flavors of those out there, so it would be a matter of finding one that is available to you and works for you.

My son had a false allegation thrown at him (non sexual). Without reservation I supported him completely. That's what parents do. What ever a child has done or not done, the parents that are healthy or trying to be will support their child. Your mother did not, in fact, she joined the accusers and brought her baggage down on your heart. Please have strong support if you choose to try and mend things with her. She is either mentally ill or has been the victim of abuse. It seems unlikely she has worked on that, or you'd of heard of it. So: Tread carefully.

Bottom line: You are heard. You are believed. You are very much the injured party in this, and it is heartbreaking to know of the years of lack of support and verbal abuse you went through. It took a long time to get to where you are, expect it to take a while to get back. You are not alone. Keep posting if you wish.

Ok, I beg of you to seek counselling or at least a shoulder of a really really good friend if you have one. This sort of trauma that has you doubting the natural process( and socially approved) process of having a baby is so ridiculous. I worry once you give birth some of this shame will continue on, and no mother wants to put that on her child.

With my son the circumstances surrounding the months around his conception were very fast and caused me a lot of anxiety, in a similarly weird but not as bad way. I had irrational fears unbiased in reality and it just plain out sucked. I really think the stress of that time in my life is what caused him to be a preemie. Which is another thing you really don't want. For your sake, your husbands sake, and your unborn child's sake, please make a plan to work on this and stick to it.

Let this be a big flashing sign that stress and anxiety can and will make you go into labor way too early.

Therapy. Now. you are self aware enough to realize this will impact your child and you are right. think about your child and take the steps to get yourself to therapy so you can address all those lingering issues asap. Your vision of your relationship to your parents, what you "owe" them and your history seems skewed based on what you wrote. Hitting the reset button might help. You can love your parents and acknowledge what they did for you while also understanding they majorly fucked up and can be wrong. (They were)

What the fuck? How did that even happen? This story is so confusing to me, none of it makes sense... Somebody else declared you pregnant and -- even though you obviously weren't -- your life was ruined for years following this event?

It’s a byproduct of your religion why you are feeling ashamed of yourself. If sex wasn’t so amazing you’d never do it. You were designed/evolved to enjoy aprocreation. There is nothing wrong with enjoying how you have evolved or were created(smirk). More importantly, fuck that stupid hooker piece of trash that spread lies about you.

Even though you and your parents are on good terms, this was a trauma that was caused by them. The feelings you experience are as a result of that event and the residual scars from it. Don't cut your parents off - if you're in a good place and they are good parents then your child and your motherhood will benefit from having them around.

I don't know your parents and thus will not vilify them based on three paragraphs. I assume they reacted as many other ~religious~ parents might in that situation. That doesn't mean their reaction was appropriate, or not without consequences. The consequences are unfortunately felt almost exclusively by you.

I'll reiterate the suggestion that makes the most sense: seeking professional help. If you can get your parents to join you, even better. Us back-couch psychologists on Reddit won't help you, as much as we think we can. I'm not in your shoes, but I've experienced trauma from my parents and I know the only way to deal with it is to actually face it head on and work to overcome it.

I'm sorry you went through what you did. I'm sorry this happy moment in your life is marred by it. I hope you get the strength to overcome it, and raise a wonderful child. Good luck.

Your school didnt even confirm with you whether you are pregnant or not and believed what that girl said to them without any questions? That is probably one of the worst school staffs ive ever heard of. I cant even imagine the dispair you must have felt. I

Hi. You mention that your relationship with your parents has improved. That’s good. However, unless your parents have owned their complicity in your abuse, full reconciliation will be difficult to achieve. What you are feeling is a shame response, quite natural given the circumstances. However, your parents (unknowingly or not) worked hard to instill this sense of shame and didn’t allow or enable you to jettison it. They must be able to admit the damage they created through their conditional love and prevent you from shouldering their emotional failures. If they refuse to acknowledge their involvement, you’ll need to figure out your best path forward. If they did this to you, they will do it to your child.

And feeling totally guilty and terrified. I’m so ashamed to admit to my mother that i had sex and made a baby. [...]

I can’t help but feel this ridiculous situation has given me some trauma.

Ask for professional help. It is the only thing that will actually help and will resolve any problem(s) instead of hiding it under the blanket. Also, it will be the only thing that will make sure that, unconsciously, you won't be making the same (or similar) mistakes your parents did.

As a former teacher in the UK, I can say that the school broke every safeguarding rule by holding that meeting and essentially accusing you and not listening to you at all. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sickened by their actions, and saddened by the way your parents dealt with this as well.

Moving forward, I think you need to see professional counselling so that you are able to make sense of this time in your life, so that you don’t feel guilt or shame for being a consenting adult, having a responsible sexual relationship, or for allowing your body to create a new life.

In short, you did nothing wrong. The people around you completely failed you.

My dad was born and raised in Wales, I can see how this could have been a thing back then (he would have been 78) but how they reacted to you such a short time ago is appauling. You have no reason to feel shame. What happened to you was atrocious. I went to a Christian school and a girl who hated me (because the boy she liked had a crush on me) started a rumour that she walked on me having sex with another boy (we were 15 at the time).

The boy she liked (and who I actually liked as well) didnt believe her but unfortunately his mother did. She forbade him from ever starting a relationship with me. My dad on the other hand... was so furious at the accusation because he trusted me (single father, he knew I wouldn't lie to him). I was lucky to have such a trusting parent.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this but you didn't do anything to be ashamed of back then and you haven't done anything to be ashamed of now. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I’m sure this has been said but I can’t believe a bunch of freaking adults took the bait of a lying child, confronted you in the presence of the lying child, forced you to pee on a stick to prove your innocence, and never apologized for it. In other words, I’m sorry this happened to you.

Just wanting to share that I was one of the kids forced into the whole purity ring thing, years before Jonas Brothers or whatever made it popular. It's so awful to make kids feel so shitty about something so normal and natural. When you already feel like an outcast, your family starts to doubt your humanity and it all becomes too much.

Sorta off-topic, but I recommend you watch Kill La Kill. The themes are deeply entrenched in familial pressure, existential anxiety, sexual repression, personal agency, and lots of dynamics that parallel the unfair and traumatizing nature of adolescence.

Your parents did a massive wrong to you. It is their job to stick up for you and protect your best interests. They did not do that at all. If this happened with one of my daughters, I would be raising holy hell. Lawyers, school boards, local news, all of it. At the very least your parents owe you one hell of an apology. If they can't do that. Fuck em. You were wronged on a biblical scale here. You did absolutely nothing wrong then or now. You are allowed to have sex and get pregnant. I hope it all goes well and most importantly love your baby as much as you can.

Maybe you should write a letter for them, explaining everything, like you did here, and making sure that them know you were hurt and they should have supported you when it was clear that it was a total lie invented by that evil girl. In the end say that you are pregnant but are afraid and ashamed of it, because of the past trauma, and that what would be a moment of joy for most parents that they would be grandparents turned into something negative.

This is the prime example of why prizing virginity and shaming women for having and enjoying sex is do damaging.

The fact that you, a grown woman who had consensual sex with a man and made a baby feels guilty for enjoying her body and life, feels guilty for something that is no one else’s business is very sad. Society’s pressure on women is so repressive and it makes it so hard for women to feel confident being who they are and confident in their own decision making.

Society/Family/Religion needs to stop making women feel guilty for having a fucking body.

My mom found porn on the family computer in 1998 and for some reason assumed it was me. Grounded for two months. 9 year after my little sister admitted it was her so she could have my computer time slot. I also have an older sister and a brother. I also know how to clear my browsing history but...whatever.

My mom treated me like shit. A friend of mine came in to use the phone to call his mom. My mom came home just as he was leaving and struck me across the face and went to go check to see if I had had sex in her bed. I think I was 13?

I went on a day trip out of town with my friends and bought a super fun pink winter coat. With money I earned. I showed my mom she called me a slut and when I turned to walk down the stairs she kicked me in the ass and I fell.

All my heartaches and breakups never meant anything to her because I did it to myself. All...4 relationships in 10 years.

Yet, funny enough my little sister is a porn star/ escort. And that's okay!!?? Because if anyone says anything she shuts you out and makes suicide attempts.

My advice to you, I dont think you've fully forgiven your parents. It's not the mean girl that really hurt you. Because I think you understand that's teenagers are dicks. It's your parents that let you down by not believing you and breaking you down like that. I had to have an INTENSE conversation with my mom and she apologized. She explained that she saw alot of herself in me and didnt want me to make all the wrong choices she did.

Time to time it still stings at how shitty of a mom she was to me but...I turned out alright and so did you!

I remember when I was younger i would always feel kind of scared when seeing a pregnant woman as in my mind that was a prrof that she had had sex and that was not something that anyone should know. Sex was something that must be kept as a secret if not then the other people would realize you had sinned!.
Luckily i got away from home and learnt how to expand my beliefs (or actually how to erase them) and that feeling toward sex and pregnant women disappeared

I’m glad you have found your way back from this horrible experience in life. Nobody should have to go through this and I blows my mind that that girl would do something like that. As for telling your parents you are pregnant, you have nothing to worry about. If anything I think they will be happy with who you are and will be excited to be grandparents. I hope this comment helps you get past this obstacle. Just remember that you are your own person and nobody has a right to judge you for your decisions even if they do not agree with them. Good luck!

this is, without a doubt, the most fucked up thing ill read all day. i dont want to speak ill of your parents, but it seems that they let their ireational fear for your safety and future impede their ability to be the best parents they could be.

im glad you were able to work things out with them, and congrats on your new family!

I very nearly cried reading this. I am so sorry about this horrible event.

I know you think the relationship with your parents are fine now but you need to have closure. You never had the closure to put the undeserving shame behind you. You need to hear their apology.

You have to get them apologise and recognise it was 100% their fault, instead of avoiding it. They need to admit that they punished you for something that you didn't do, at the cost of your scholarship that you worked so hard to get. You need closure.

You need therapy because your parents were bad parents and your issues are intimately linked to the fact that they emotionally abused you. What they did and how they reacted is not normal. Could you imagine treating your future child the way they treated you? To believe a mean girl’s rumor over both your child’s word and evidence to the contrary would be unimaginable, right?

Maybe you think your relationship with your parents is fine now, but their actions are taking an experience that should be happy and exciting and turning it into something shameful and frightening. They robbed you of both your childhood and your pregnancy experience and you need to be actively addressing this with therapy.

No? Seems you clearly wrote they were leaders of a church and they were concerned they had raised you 'wrong' --- sex outside of marriage resulting in a pregnancy is a huge faux pas in the church. You really can't say your parents were concerned only about diseases or pregnancy (esp since they'd already had a pregnancy scare) bc they could have outfitted you with knowledge, condoms, etc, and actually trusted you rather than banning you from having a social life (:

That’s true - they could have educated me about sex. However when we discussed this after it happened, nothing like sex before marriage or anything religious was the reason. I am personally not religious. I think it was perfectly ridiculous all on its own without adding religion

I apologize if I come off as oppressive. I am biased against the church, that is true. However, I completely endorse freedom of speech and to express their religion however they please - that being said, the devil loves the church.

I am not dwarfing your situation, or your experience with the church - it's in my opinion that you have a intelligent mind that understands the injustice and intolerance that you faced then, capable of addressing it now. Which, not many journey to this point. At some point one has to understand that what they come to accept within the foundations of a church community, all must come to conform to this acceptance.

I'm not here to sell you anything, I am simply stating that intolerance to tolerance leads to arrogance in ignorance.

This is your life, your body ,and no one else's. I'm so sorry you had to go though what you did and I hope that you have a happy and joyful life and an amazing time with your child and husband. Best luck and wishes to you guys :)

I can see why you didn't speak up at the time. You were a shy, young girl. And I understand you have no desire to cut them off or anything like that.

Bottom line is - this is still bothering you. It needs to be addressed. I'd start by sitting down with one of your parents, if you can't face both of them.

Say something like: something's been on my mind and I need to talk to you about it. I don't want you to talk. I just need you to first listen. Back in high school I was accused of being pregnant. Even though it was proven that I wasn't, you made my life miserable for two years. You assumed I was promiscuous based on a stranger's word over your own daughter's. You made snide comments to me when video's came on tv making me feel... etc...

You may even want to write down what you want to say first. That way you won't leave things out. This will be your chance to get it out.

Understand that this is going to open old wounds for everyone. But frankly, your wound isn't healed, is it? You need to get the infection out. It may be a little painful for a moment. But you wouldn't wish the feeling you went through on YOUR baby, would you? This protective mama you're becoming now is growing stronger, just like the baby growing inside of you. That power is amazing.

I never understood what it was that other people talked about, becoming a mom/parent. That love for a child. It's like nothing else. Not like loving a spouse. People can tell you about it, but they can't capture what it's like. I would jump in front of a car to push my child out of the way, without thinking about it. It's an odd thing.

I'm guessing that your parents did what they did trying to protect you. Then they made a choice to shame you.

I truly don't mean to disregard your feelings here, and I know a few others have already said this, but, from what you've described, your parents were absolutely being verbally abusive. No fuzz. No ifs, ands, or ors about it.

What they did is unacceptable. You know your own situation better than anyone here, but I know from experience that it can be hard to lay blame on the people you love (or want to love).

Nobody in this thread can force your hand, but at the same time, nobody would advise that you don't bring this up to them. There's elephants in the room, and then there's blue whales in the room.

I have the same feelings. My mother called me a slut when I lost my virginity, and my grandfather would tease me and my sister until we cried about whether we had boyfriends yet, starting from when I was about four-years-old. I'm no-contact now, for a lot of other reasons, but I still had to work through feelings of shame and embarrassment over the idea of getting married or having a baby.

I can’t help but feel this ridiculous situation has given me some trauma. I do hope I don’t sound overdramatic. I just needed to get it out, I suppose.

It is not ridiculous for this to have traumatized you. Part of your identity was destroyed by a mean person, and when you needed your parents they let you down, then tore you down.

You're not being overdramatic. Pregnancy changes everything and brings out parts of our pasts we thought were taken care of.

Go get professional counseling. You absolutely can get past this, but knowing what the body and brain go through during and post-pregnancy, this is not going to resolve itself. You're probably going to see a medical doctor for this and there is nothing wrong with that, so go see a mental health clinician because there is nothing wrong with that.

First off, I am utterly appalled at that whole situation and I am so sorry for you. As a kid you shouldn't even have to say anything for yourself because adults are supposed to protect kids and keep them safe. The fact that they didn't even look into the situation is so awful.

Second, and I might not be popular for this one, I'm appalled at how Reddit is treating the situation. Even though they just witnessed a story about how you were helplessly beat down, they are trying to strong arm you into seeing the right way.

I do think there is valuable advice here, but it's literally being forced down your throat which is so wrong. Please know they are only doing it because they care about you and are frustrated with the situation. But this is exactly what your parents point of view would have been. They cared about you and paired that with blind anger towards pre-mariatal sex.

What you need now is not more people getting angry at you. You need to act the way that is true to your character. The most healthy thing for you to do is to stop living a life created by someone else. Don't burden yourself with being angry with them and forcing an apology out of them if YOU don't want to. If you can forgive and let live, do it. What they did is on their plate, and sooner or later it will confront them. You have a power that that poor girl does not. You can move on without a word and break free from this awful hurt in your past. That girl, unless she finds you and talks to you, will likely be living with that poison inside her for the rest of her life. If you want to confront those people do it. But if you don't, please know that you will be able to break free.

I am saying these things because the advice you asked for wasn't, "fix my whole past and family relationship", you asked how not to feel shame and how to have joy in this pregnancy. The best way to do that is to cut the ties other people have on you (not cut them out of your life). Nothing they say or ever will say changes who you are.

And if you still hold to Christian faith, know that there is no sin and nothing in the world that would ever take away your innate and beautiful worth as a human being. Show that to your child. Show them their value. Don't be afraid to push them, but always be ready to catch them.

People always want to preach sin in their homes but they always forget grace. So when you have this baby don't be afraid to set rules to guide them, but do everything you can to show grace when they screw up. Because if you believe Bible at all, it well tell you over and over that their is nothing we could do to reduce ourselves beyond grace.

And if you have left the Christian faith my advice is still the same, don't be afraid of rules, but always be prepared to show love in every situation.

Where others failed with you, will either worm it's way into your own child's life. Or, it can be your battle cry into an amazing and loving relationship with your child. So you can trust them when no one else does, care for them when their world is falling down around them and protect them when pain is pushing down the doors of their life.

Basically, you can take the false shame of that experience and let it hurt you more. Or you can use that experience to grow in ways that most people won't even dream of.

Just know that you can do it. You don't need us or even this comment, you really can break free from the hurt, but don't do it in spite of forgiveness and love. That's what people want you to do, but it's not worth it. Break free from the hurt with forgiveness and it will make you so strong and caring as a person.

That's the balance your are going to have to search for and find for the rest of your life. Living your own life and not letting anyone's opinions cut deep, while at the same time knowing when to love, and when to put yourself out there. It's always risky business but it's life, and life is really quite beautiful even in the struggles.

I was raised in a situation similar to this, there was a bit of religion mixed in which just increased the mess. Me being quiet and introverted didn't help. There were times I'd get called a witch or a lesbo. I had no clue how to stand up for myself, speak for myself, say no. I'm still very broken, I can't face things some days because of my past.

You have a right to feel the feelings that the people that once controlled and made you feel. It's ingrained at this point, you can't fight the fact that the feelings will come. But, what I am trying to realize for myself is you can choose to have your own feelings as well. I try to have little contact with the people who hurt me, when I do, even though I feel what they want me to feel, I'm getting to a point where my own instinct and emotions are coming through what they are telling me. I'm starting to say, No, That's NOT right. YOU are the one that sounds insane.

Having my daughter, being a single mom, has put me right against all those religious family members, the ones that used to hurt me, everybody that's been out to get me. Once I was pregnant I started putting my weight down, when she came and I saw how wonderful she was, I dug in a little more. It takes time, but eventually you will put down your own roots and control your own emotions. (I'm still not there, I'm working on it, but I feel for you very much.) Nobody else deserves to take your emotions from you.

Edit: When I say a little bit of religion, I mean hard core Mormons. (sigh)

Don't feel shame. That girl was mentally psychotic to do something like that. Really. Hang in there and get some short sessions with a therapist if needed. I know many friends who has dealt with childhood bullying and while your case is a little different, It will definitely be effective and helpful.

This is insane. Two years and no one realized you weren't pregnant and it was all a lie? Were you actually having relations with someone to even get pregnant? Be proud of yourself. Don't let anyone bring you down

Edit 2: for everyone asking about why no one realised there was no baby. The test was negative. The impact of underaged sex was the overarching concern for my parents and school staff. It was blown out of proportion because the school meeting was so severe and did not allow me to say a word.

Dear TwoXChromosomes, You urgently need to find the source of that shame. When you have a child, a lot of issues come up about parents, parenting, and a part of you may be re-living your role as a daughter.

What I suggest is that you need to get in touch with your inner child. The child you want to take care of and protect from predatory people and from sexual ignorance.

A good way to do that is to gather photos of yourself as a child and put them all around your home. Try to remember the good feelings and what you enjoyed at the time. Then tell your younger self that there is nothing to be ashamed that if you're not weird when you're in high school, there is something wrong with you, and that sex is how we are all here on this earth.

You owe it to your child to go back and fix yourself. The most important person in your life is you. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of anyone else. Smart love is the the answer to ALL our problems.

OP, your parents are horrible. Victims of abuse always say that their love for the abuser justifies continuing the relationship or that we're "only hearing the negative parts" but honestly there's no amount of redeeming stories you could tell me to make me think your parents weren't awful to you.

Loving your child and being kind of them a majority of the time is the bare minimum standard for parenting. Distrusting your child and locking them away based on malicious rumors is scarring and absolutely unacceptable.

I seriously fear for your child if you're going to allow them to be in your life without an apology or an acknowledgement of any kind that their behavior was wrong.

I think coming here and asking for views is important, it lets you see that others are on your side. It sounds to me like you're suffering post traumatic stress, which is totally understandable. Having been falsely accused of wrong doing at work and suffering grave consequences I believe I can share your feelings. I decided to accept that my temporary persecution was part of God's plan for me and it was meant to teach me something. Through that painful experience you now have great insight into to the wrong way to parent, and your child will likely reach great heights thanks to that insight and the fact that you will teach your child, with love, about love. Brotherly love, love for human kind, familial love, and of course the physical acts that come with passionate love. If you had not had this experience it is entirely possible you would simply have followed your parents style of parenting, but today you have been changed. Thank God for this experience, as horrible as it was it has given you an opportunity to bring a new generation up with the kind of wisdom few at your young age have. I don't presume to understand the actions of the universe and I don't expect you to ever be happy about your experience. I do hope you can see a reason for it one day and be an amazing non-condescending, non-snarky, non-bitter, loving supportive, kind, wise, warm, open, and protective parent to all of your wonderful children.

Having been falsely accused of wrong doing at work and suffering grave consequences I believe I can share your feelings. There are lots of feelings I won't go into. I decided to accept that my temporary persecution was part of God's plan for me and it was meant to teach me something. It sounds to me like you're suffering post traumatic stress, which is totally understandable. I think coming here and asking for views is important, it lets you see that others are on your side. My point about God's plan is that through that painful experience you now have great insight into to wrong way to parent and your child will likely reach great heights thanks to that insight and the fact that you will teach your child, with love, about love. Brotherly love, love for human kind, familial love, and of course the physical acts that come with passionate love. If you had not had this experience it is entirely possible you would simply have followed your parents style of parenting, but today you have been changed. Thank God for this experience, as horrible as it was it has given you an opportunity to bring a new generation up with the kind of wisdom few at your young age have. I don't presume to understand the actions of the universe and I don't expect you to ever be happy about your experience. I do hope you can see a reason for it one day and be an amazing non-condescending, non-snarky, non-bitter, loving supportive, kind, wise, warm, open, and protective parent to all of your wonderful children.

Know that what haopened dosen't exist anymore and focus on now and health of you and baby. Make sure that what you went through dosen't repeat in future to anyone. That itself should keep you busy and calm enough. Whenever you feel drifting into past abd its feelings, be aware that it does not exist anymore. Good luck and congrats.

The fact that you were shamed for years for a freaking RUMOR is infuriating!!! And shame on your family that is truly horrible. I grew up in a similar conservative household. Some kid "jokingly" said I was pregnant. I didnt get punished or anything but my mom had him get suspended for spreading a rumor that could potentially have destroyed my social life and confidence at the time. I can't imagine if I had been blamed instead for the words someone else said.
Be happy, you will treat your child better. Congrats!

And this is why I never went to a private school, everything about them is too extreme.

Also common sense isn't so common now adays...

As for your parents, they were/are assholes. Some girl says your pregnant, and they were stupid enough to believe her without any proof. Did you ever show the pregnancy test being negative?

Your private school is ridiculous, they take a word of some girl and not get evidence? Do they not know what lying is? Apparently not. Some school.

I was like you growing up, band kid with not much being a social person being weird, also my parent (mother) being how your parents were back then (had to suffer with mental abuse and ended up getting depression). What helped me was supportive peers and communication even though it was/is scary. Told my Mom how I felt and at first she was an ass, so I stopped talking to her/ignored her (you gotta cut out the toxicity from your life), longest was almost a year. One day she realized she needs to change for the good or else she'll never be back in my life. And did. Now I don't call her Womb Woman anymore, I call her my Mom.

It's good that you have one supportive parent and fighting for this. It's the one thing you need to do, communicate, even if you're scared. There will always be one person there for you.

But I think to help get rid of this from your conscious is if you fully talk about it and explain your side and common sense since this didn't get to happen. Have some sort of closure. Like "You assumed I was pregnant all because of what X said, did you not see the negative pregnancy test?" "Did you not see that in the 9 months afterwards, I had no baby bump?" "Did you guys not see she's not even my friend? So how would she know? I don't even talk to anyone" that sort of thing. If you can press charges or something that'd be nice.

Do not be ashamed of having a baby, it's how you were made, and your parents, and everyone here. Nothing shameful in reproducing to keep the species alive. Also it's a wonderful thing to have a Mini-me! But also it's your time to shine and be a better parent than your parents were, to your love one in the making :)

This makes me so upset. I am baffled as to how adults will take the word of a child as fact, without checking for themselves. How is the first thought in this situation to discipline the child being "accused" of being pregnant? How about you notify the parents to have a discussion with their child in private? Ask the child yourself? Ask them to take a test, then decide how to proceed AFTER YOU HAVE MEDICAL CONFIRMATION. The fact that this girl could just tell an adult that you are pregnant, and no one second-guesses her is outrageous. Especially since she had so much to gain by tarnishing your reputation. The knee-jerk reaction from your parents is also ridiculous.

However, your reaction to all of this is normal. Anyone would be traumatized by this. So many adults responsible for nurturing and mentoring children failed in so many ways. I hope you are able to move past this and realize that being pregnant is nothing to be ashamed of, and bringing a child into this world is one of the most beautiful and meaningful things that two people can do together. Look forward to raising a beautiful baby better than the last generation.

I legitimately don't understand why they took the word of a student over yours. The principal called you in and gave you a lecture without ever asking your side? "Legally we have to inform your parents of something that another student accuses that you did, something that only affects you." That's insanity, I'm furious at everyone involved in that, especially your parents.

Congrats on your baby! I know words won't help, but you deserve happiness and the ability to live without fear of your parents, and I hope somehow (with therapy, relaxation, whatever you find that may help you) you won't let your parents traumatize you over something you have the right to participate in - sex and future motherhood.

After reading the update, it seems like you've gotten a lot of help, and the support you need, so can I just point out the irony of feeling guilty about telling your mother about being pregnant? It's not exactly like she's ever been pregnant before...

But I'm glad you're doing better, and congratulations with being pregnant! You will be an amazing mom.

How can you make up a pregnancy!? One doctor's visit or even just a $10 damn test should confirm you are not. Or the obvious lack of labor in 9 months?

This hits me personally because my narcissistic religious dad threw a fit when I got engaged. He started making up stories about how we fuck like animals at his house and I'm secretly pregnant, trying to sabotage our relationship and my relationship with my fiance's religious family. I can relate.

So sorry this happened to you. I’d publish a book or at least a short story about this if I were you, definitely once you are done healing though. I think a lot of people can relate to feeling powerless when they were a teenager. Also, so many adults would support you. It could turn this into something you own and make you stronger for it. Also, this should never happen and the school should suffer for fucking you over, but that’s your choice.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this OP. 14 is such a tender and vulnerable time in a teenage girl's life. I, too, was raised in a religious family and made to feel like sex was a bad thing and that it was doing something wrong if I even entertained the thought of it. I, too, still felt like I was doing something taboo and bad when I had sex within the bounds of a marriage. Sometimes I still struggle with it. The brainwashing is real and it is powerful.

It makes me so crazy that the idea is still pushed on girls (and women) that they are somehow "bad" or "unworthy" if they decide to explore their sexuality and, gasp, even enjoy sex. Disappointment and pity as a reaction is such crap...maybe people should stop thinking about a girl's virginity as a fucking commodity that makes her somehow more valuable. Maybe people should give girls and women the dignity and basic human right of privacy when it comes to their sexuality. Oh, and maybe BELIEVE them when they are willing to talk about their sexuality and provide a response...and then don't fucking judge them. It makes me so angry that any girl's privacy would be invaded if she were having sex...and it makes me incredibly furious that a pregnancy would result in her ostracization or impact her ability to have access to education.

OP, I hope that you are able to heal this past hurt with your family. Best of luck with your own child!

> We are deeply surprised at this behaviour from a usually disciplined student such as yourself

That is so much bullshit. Why on earth would the school have ANY opinion in the matter of an underage pregnancy, why would the disciplinary history matter? Just why, why, why?

(And before I get a bunch of replies, yes I understand underage pregnancy could impact a student's work. The point I'm trying to make is that the school should have no say based off of some sort of moral reason)

Holy Shit. Some stories that get posted here seem like there must be more to it, or exaggerated. I believe you here. This is too real. I would have hoped the fact that you weren't actually pregnant would help prove that the girl is lying, but I know how overprotective parents can be, and the idea was now in their heads. What a fucking cunt.

That girl who did this deserves to be punched in the face so hard her nose breaks and is deformed for the rest of her life. I don't know why but that is the punishment that came to me and I stand by it.

Hey, I'm not far from you with you being in wales and have a similar story and I'm 25 too

My parents sound very similar to yours, no sex talk at any age and it just wasn't talked about. I had a boyfriend when I was 13 and if talked to him about sex, we'd planned to do it but wait (because crazy teenagers think they'd stay together forever, we are still friends though) and my parents went mad. It took about 2 years to get things back and I had a lot of other issues going on at the time that didn't help.

My daughter was born 2 weeks ago and it genuinely has been the best thing in the world for my relationship with them. Telling them was hard but they fell in love with her the moment they saw the scan. How amshe was made didn't matter. They were just super happy to see their "rebelious" teen get her act together and be a mother.

They clearly love you, even if they have a funny way of showing it sometimes.

"From then on, going out after school was only allowed by car rides and phone calls to check precisely which friend I would be with. I couldn’t go out on weekends. My mother would make sarcastic comments. I remember when Rihanna’s “Umbrella” came out, I thought the silver visual on the music video was really cool. My mum caught me watching the video on TV and said “of course you like naked writhing bodies.”"

Sideline here, but have you read about highly sensitive people? A couple things you wrote (words hurting, being a loner, loving music) are fairly common to HSPs. Not saying you are one, but it might be worth reading up on.

OP, your experience sounds pretty similar to the religious upbringing myself (male) and my wife had. I don’t know exactly what your beliefs are at this time, but I know that at least within the religious community we grew up in there are a number of people dedicated to helping people like you heal, and to help fight the ideas and attitudes that caused you so much pain.

It might be worth looking around and seeing if such resources are available to you. You are not alone.

I'm not sure you can sue because you're 25 and slander suits have to be filed within 2 or 3 years of the event (or when you turn 18 because you were a minor) in most common law jurisdictions. Your only recourse would be to go to the media, but I'm sure the Guardian would be happy to talk.

Your parents violated some major boundaries and now you feel guilty. They wronged you. They didn't listen to you and didn't respect you at all. Pretty sure you have a right to be angry with them and to talk to them about how wrong it was to do to you. Makes you feel like sex is dirty or wrong, but it's not. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Are you in the US? I'm just so completely confused by this because, well, I can't think of a situation where some kid runs up to a teacher and says 'xyz is pregnant' and it being treated as gospel.

If your story is true, I'm very sorry that you had to go through what you did. I'm glad that, for the most part, your relationship with your parents has gotten better, but you need to understand that you did experience a great trauma, and your family environment has not appropriately dealt with it. Since this pregnancy is a positive thing for you, please please look a therapist or, my personal recommendation of a hypnotherapist. I like hypnotherapy because I've had a lot more success with it to getting to the root of my issues than talk therapy.

damn this sort of thing just pisses me off, you got hurt by people who you were supposed to trust implicitly and the school messed up too, weird how in trying to protect you they do all of these things.

i am glad you have had a lot of other good experiences, but i truly wish you can someday just tell your parents to fuck off. You dont need to be "civil" to them, you dont need to "be the better person" and take it, the only person you need to impress is yourself, and i just hate it when people like your parents abuse your trust by making you feel like shit and also taking away your freedom for "allegations" of you doing wrong.

everyone here is going to be giving you advice and I just hope someday you can cut them out of your life, you dont need controlling people to do that to you, and you say its fine now, but it seems that they have never said "sorry" / feel remose, and even if they do feel sorry you dont "have to" forgive them, you are your own person. I also get scared your parents might be crazy controlling with the baby too,

Do what makes you happy, you do not owe your parents anything. You didnt choose to be born. You can make whatever choice is best for you, dont feel guilty about your choice, if its what you really want

I actually think you may benefit from checking out the subs /r/raisedbynarcissists or /r/justnomil As a lot of people have recommended, you should seek therapy. The subs may help you find that there are a lot of people that have experience similar treatment by their parents. You're not alone

I have a really hard time talking about serious things without getting flustered, and since bringing up this topic results in awkwardness every time you bring it up, I would write your parents a letter. Tell your story, how the girl made it up to take your spot. Tell them you had never hugged a boy. Tell them that the things they said to you made you feel terrible and ashamed. Tell them how it’s impossible to prove you didn’t do something. If they can’t hear you say it, maybe they will be able to see and read it.

I also agree with the others who said you should get professional help. This obviously still weighs on your heart, and you deserve to be able to work it through. A therapist might even be able to help you write a strong and productive letter. Best wishes.

I am feeling such a strong feeling of rage in my stomach, reading your story.... I can’t even.
What that girl, that school and your parents did to you is pretty much unforgivable.
Personally I don’t believe you will ever feel better until your parents own up and apologize to you. How any adults could just randomly believe some teenager without even giving you the chance to explain etc is beyond me. Especially your own parents. They destroyed your trust. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

I'm genuinely confused by this. Some kid says something about another and that causes a huge chain reaction of events without even asking you, "Is this true?" first? What happened when you presumably said it wasn't true? I mean, how is this other kid's word so definitive that it precludes even considering it might not be true?

I've heard of kids lying and saying "[kid I don't like] said he was going to shoot up the school!" and the kid getting arrested (I can see that happening to me if I was in high school today).
The situation with the OP is even worse because it's pretty easy to tell if a girl is pregnant, and that the person who said she was pregnant lied about it.

I'm not surprised you're feeling this way! You experienced serious trauma related to sex and sexuality before you were anywhere near being able to experience these things for yourself. My annoying, yet honest advice is to find a therapist knowledgeable about emotional/mental trauma.

wtf? i’m so sorry.. was the girl ever reprimanded for blatantly lying? Was the school ever made aware that they had believed the empty word of a child who was lying to get ahead of you? So many adult fails in this story.

A lot of women are nervous to tell their parents, for various reasons. It's pretty common when you grow up being told sex is sin and something to be ashamed of. You have done nothing to be shameful of. Sex between two consenting adults is a fine thing. Pregnancy is life changing, good or bad. It's up to you to decide how it makes you feel. It can be hard to let go of past feelings, especially when caused by something so traumatic. You are not being a drama llama, what you went through was horrible and unfair. Do your research on pregnancy related depression, it can present at any time one you are pregnant, and the symptoms are not always clear. Talk to your partner about this if you haven't. Confront your parents, though it doesn't have to be in an angry I want to yell way. If, after taking to them about it, you still feel the shame look into some sort of therapy/counseling. There is no shame in needing help from a professional outside perspective. Whatever course you choose to take, good luck! And congratulations on the pregnancy, may it and the life you are creating be healthy.

How bout this find that bitchy 14 year old and go after her. That girl is like actually the worst, your parents (r or we’re just religious and didn’t know how to handle the 14 year old having supposed sex). They seem like ok people and just be honest and open bout ur dealing they will probably understand. But back to ur classmate like did she get in trouble was she expelled. Doing this to somebody should be illegal

This is horrific. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Is there any way you can get into some sort of counseling or therapy? All I can get from you is that you need a tremendous amount of support and acceptance from people you can trust. Congratulations on your new addition and good luck with everything.

What kind of school lets kids run up and make allegations about each other which lead to parents being called in and meetings being held? How was this little bitch supposed to have figured out that you're pregnant in the first place?

The whole thing sounds ridiculous. Your parents are complete and utter morons. And so is the school, if that happened at my school a teacher would have laughed in her face. Fucking take a pregnancy test right there and then, if you really think your 14 year old child is pregnant.

I think it would help if your parents realize the full extent of that impact / damage on you - if they care about you, they'd want to know. Maybe (if you are okay with it) - just show them this post. I think it would be very healing if your parents could acknowledge that the overreacted (even if it was unintentional) and apologized. You certainly do not need another person's permission (apology) to heal, but if your parents are up to it, making clear amends in the form of acknowledgement and apology can be very healing.

I am sorry you experienced this bad situation/time, and that you are reminded of that now.

To help against the shame that you now have sex and are pregnant, of course talking to your parents, therapist, friends etc would help. I would also recommend to start owning the subject: Make jokes about sex, write fan fiction with sex scenes, make pornographic photos (don't put them on the internet though), and the same with pregnancies. Test out your boundaries. Do this until it does not feel shameful anymore.

I am not sure this is everyone's favorite approach, but it helped me in similar situations. And if you live in an environment where sexuality is frowned upon, being wild and free online would be an option as well.

My wife has had to deal with a couple emotional issues stemming both from her father's alcoholism and also lots of sex negativity from her religion (Christianity). The religion sort of expects you to make an instant switch from "sex bad and one of the worst things that can happen" to "sex really good and healthy" at the exact moment that you make your vows. For far less reason than you my wife was unable to make that switch, and struggled with negative feelings about her sexuality well after we were married.

In general she got a lot of help for her issues with being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic from the ACAA. Though that is the specific malady that the organization is targeted for and named for, it can be very generally helpful for adults whose childhood's were marred to greater and lesser extents by authority figures for any cause. Here is a quiz about common traits of people that may benefit from the group. I'm not sure how much of a presence the organization has in Wales, but if it isn't there organizations like it may be. Googling the various books about the subject I can't immediately identify the one that was very helpful to her, but if you're interested I can find out and update you.

One thing that specifically helped with her sex negativity was how she targeted her "daily affirmations" which are basically good things about yourself that you reflect on, on at least a daily basis. They sound sort of silly and trite written out, and she started out pretty embarrassed to read them out to herself, but over time that action of focusing on her own positive really did help. While most of her affirmations were targeted towards other things she was struggling with, like self-worth and self confidence, a set was specifically for her sexual health. Stuff like "I am a sexually desirable person" and "I deserve sexual pleasure". A set of affirmations like that (sounds like more like the latter example) may be very helpful.

So someone said you're pregnant, then the school just gathered the everyone including CNN just to tell you how concerned and disappointed they were without giving a chance to speak?
What if that someone said you killed someone instead?

As I explained previously the school policy was that once they were informed of a potential underaged pregnancy they had to legally report it to parents. The way they went about it without taking statements or telling me first was awful.

The procedure of the school was simply to inform parents immediately if they knew of someone underage being pregnant. They told me to keep quiet at the meeting where it wasn’t my place to speak. I don’t think the info was leaked to the school. Not to my knowledge

Trust me, in the shower I’ve had many moments of standing up for myself and giving a good speech. Sadly, I was socially awkward and shy eleven years ago

Your mom is like that probably because of the way she was raised. When the idea that sex is taboo is shoved down your thirst and engraved into your brain, is where you feel shame. I hope you find a way out because i feel the same. Honestly I feel so shamed of being pregnant that I want to hide it from my mom until I give birth. But what I know for sure is that I will raise my kids in a way that they won't be afraid to tell me anything.

I am so infuriated by that girl to have come up with something like that. What's her name, I just wanna talk 😡.

It amazes me that your parents had no trust in you and would rather listen to the word of some random girl they didn’t know than listen to their own daughter, and then go on acting like you were some slut. It’s like they didn’t even know you at all.

I hope that girl enjoyed that scholarship knowing what she did to you 🙄 Hope she got pregnant at that university.

I actually have been kinda on the other side. At 14 years old I have been accused of impregnating a 18 year old girl. I was the big victim in school and everyone hated me. Even the teachers so it was (apparently) a given that I am an easy victim to blame for such a happening even though I probably never hugged anyone my hall life that far. As I was been an emotional wreckage my entire life from a lot of fighting in school to not having a family I don't think this had harmed me more than the 17 years of near isolation I received.
I simply solved it by not saying a word while the interrogation by 3 teachers and the principal were undergoing. So I sat there for 3 hours straight not saying anything while 4 adults were screaming insults at me. Of course I cried, but also stayed shut. I never met the girl or was even sure of her name. Eventually I overheard the rumor as well but didn't really care.

Over the years I have been accused of many thing and eventually they just informed me or just called the cops and that was it.
Prosecutions included:
-burning down the gym
-laying mines in the schoolyard
-making fellow students disappear/hiding their bodies.

As you can see these people were CRAZY AS FUCK, COMPLETELY OF THEIR NUT, but I perceived it as normal since I never knew differently.

My mother was crazy religious and if the school brought her in to tell them that I'd gotten a girl pregnant, she'd have called the accuser a liar. Your parents are the ones that should feel shame over this.

Don't take this the wrong way, but your parents failed you. No one trains you to be parents, but you have to do your best and believe that you are molding your children to be good adults. You can't protect/babysit them forever. The measure of a good parent is making themselves progressively unnecessary; you have to teach your children to exist without you--not only exist but flourish. The lack of trust on their part is pretty appalling. Yeah, don't ignore evidence that your children might be going down the wrong path, but this was just hearsay. I mean I would have investigated and dismissed it.

School definitely should have talked to you privately and then spoke with the parents about it and honestly probably punished the slanderer by talking to her parents about spreading lies.

As others have doubtless said, the best thing to do is to talk about it. You need catharsis. If it helps, focus on the new life--eating right, exercising, and reflecting on what you have learned. Character is never gained easily; the trials we endure make us greater still.

I mean I'm sure others have said this but... Your parents need to apologise if they haven't already.

The fact is, you were not engaging in any "inappropriate" activity. They literally had irrefutable proof (pregnancy test) that it wasn't true. (Not to mention a kid didn't pop out of you 9 months later...)

But they didn't care. They let their imaginations run away with stuff. They let that influence their treatment of you growing up.

What you should feel (rightfully) is anger toward your parents. And if I had to guess, you don't want to be angry with them, so your mind is substituting shame about the whole situation and topic so you don't have to be mad at your parents.

The culture that causes women to feel shame for having sex is incredibly bad in some parts of the world, and I'm sorry that you had to go through this. There's nothing wrong with you. This is one of the cases where the world is broken, not you.

First of all: congratulations!
Also, I am so sorry that happend to you 11 years ago.
I think some form of therapy/counseling might help, as others have said.
I also want to point out that you did nothing wrong. (Wich you probably know, but you might feel differently) You said in a reaction that you just sat there and cried, instead of denying it. I totaly understand. You must have felt so overwhelmed by a room full of people telling you you are pregnant. I mean, what the hell. That must have been so surreal.
I hope you can get past this feeling of shame, and get to enjoy being pregnant and building a family.

I’m so sorry that you had to go through that experience. But I’m also very confused and angry that some random girl can just accuse you of being pregnant and have adults believe her? This isn’t a “bully” or “poor behavior” issue. It can all be disproven with a simple pregnancy test. Wonder that their thought process was. Did the girl even get punished?

I think you've got a potentially very serious case of /r/justnofamily and /r/raisedbynarcissists here, and you probably could help yourself feel better if you can get some professional help to review what happened to you, correct your normal meter, and probably severely limit access to your kid or future kids by the grandparents, in order to ensure they never have a chance to hurt your kid, the same way they hurt you. It's also not OK that they're in denial, trying to cover up and rugsweep what they did to you for absolutely no reason. That's extremely dishonest and a red flag. There are a lot of red flags here.

Edit: I have not read the comments, so if this has already been addressed, I apologize.

I still don't understand. Did your parents not believe you when you said you never had sex? If so, you should treat this as an opportunity to test their faith in you. If they react judgementally, you should distance yourself from them as they are not positive influences. If they react well, then you truly have a good relationship with them now.

Edit 3: All I will say in the time since then with my parents is that they have helped me through some very hard times and our relationship has done a lot of healing.

But none of those had anything to do with this, does it? The fact that you are this traumatized by it and yet your parents would so sarcastically joke about it to you shows that they have not really done anything to help you overcome that particular episode.

I honestly don't know if they can or will be willing to address this, if it has been brought up before and just avoided.

At the very least you will know for a fact that you will be a better parent than them, because you will know to be fair, so that is some little solace.

I'm sorry you went through this. The School, that girl, and your parents all stole a future away from you without any real investigation into the claim made against you.

Of all things, your parents betrayed you when you needed them. Even if you did have sex at that point, they were willing to stigmatize you and ruin your chance for higher education. Your current relationship with your parents aside, they should apologize to you for this. Uncomfortable isn't a valid reason to not discuss this topic, seeing as they had no issue with belittling you over a false claim. They have to suck up the "uncomfortable" feel and admit their error if you want any true relationship with them. Especially considering it causes you grief to inform them of your current pregnancy.

On the flip side of things...I would just call and be like "Hey, I'm pregnant. It's true this time because you're hearing it from me." If your parents wish to make some sort of issue with your current pregnancy, than that's on them.

Just learn from this situation. Remember it and how it made you feel when you are raising your own child. Things have lasting effects. Don't be your parents.

The cynic in me says that there is no way this actually happened hopefully anyways you made this up. I just can't believe that a bunch of adults would believe a 14 year old. Sorry if this did happen though.

This is really something we need to talk about in the UK. I am glad you are taking action and realising you were wronged. This must be the first time I've ever read or heard this story from somebody honestly and openly. I am a teenager and still I have family and friends at a similar age who have had traumatising and deeply affecting experiences with being wrongly shamed by their parents, when really an open and clear conversation about sex should take place. It affects so many aspects of the lives of women this has happened to. Thanks for writing this out..

Add that to the list of things that's never really occurred to me because I'm a male.

This reeks of miseducation though. And sorry. I'm sure it may be a major part of your life. But religion has a lot of blame here. This type of subject should have been an easy "nope" and move on. And if it wasn't a nope. It's something you deal with as a family and with education.

Ugh. Sorry that that happened though, I'm sure you have happy days ahead. And be good to your children in ways your parents couldn't perceive.

If you enjoy some good old childish petty revenge, there are websites that will anonymously mail giant cardboard dicks, dick confetti, and greeting cards that look sweet on the front but have a pop-up middle finger on the inside. If you happen to find out where that girl lives now, send one of those her way. She may not know why or who it's from. But you'll know. Hope you find the peace you deserve!

You are married - I'm sure your parents expect you to be having sex with your husband. Before they were angry because you were young and out of wedlock. It is not ideal for a teenager to be pregnant. Now you are married, I assume in a stable place. I would think your parents will be very happy that they can be grandparents.

That girl you encountered at school is awful. I'm sure she never expected it to have such a far reaching long lasting affect that changed your whole future but she clearly did not consider you, just herself and her own success. I would very much doubt she anticipated that your parents would turn emotionally abusive but she was still very selfish. She is a bad person, full stop. I hope she reaches out to you and apologises for what she did.

I am very surprised that all she had to do was accuse you of being pregnant but you weren't even asked if this was true or if you'd have any sexual contact with a boy. That is a system hugely open to abuse and teenage girls can be extremely cruel when a rift starts.

Your parents sound quite uptight, which can be difficult to deal with. I think some counselling or therapy would really help. If this causing you anxiety when it should bring you nothing but joy that's an indicator something is off. I think you'd need professional help yourself before you can address what has happened, but ultimately it is up to you if you want to address it with them or not. But they should know they will be grandparents and I don't think a married couple having sexual relations would be something that disapprove of.

In regards to all the anger against your parents in the replies, it's good that you are not holding it against them. However, make sure you are not unnecessarily holding nothing against them...

Sometimes when we are hurt by what our parents did while we were children, it can leave a lasting mark on us. Even if you grow up and see the big picture of why they did it, the way you felt as a teenager (betrayed, alone) can still have lasting harm.

I believe you already have, but just in case, it is important to acknowledge that they made a big mistake with how they treated you in this regard.l and probably failed you in other ways as well. That doesnt mean we hate them for it, or treat them badly for it.

Parents are human. They try their best, and they make mistakes.

As you mentioned in one of your edits, I do think it would be very good for you to talk about the subject with them directly. Ask them why they treated you so harshly, why they didnt believe you, and why they changed so much with a false rumor.

It may help you to heal if you specifically tell them just how their actions made you feel, and how it is still making you feel. Basically what you have written in your post.

The constant comments your mother made that made you feel awful are a form of emotional abuse, just so you know. So they were abusive. Maybe not drastically, and maybe they were still loving and supportive, but it is still abuse. (Most children grow up with at least some emotional abuse.)

You seem a very smart, well rounded woman, and I think you will be a wonderful mother. If you seek help, I think you will overcome this guilt and shame you are experiencing.

First of all, I am so sorry you had to go through that experience when you were younger. When you actually do something bad and then get caught, you kind of have a way to bare the judgements and punishments that follow because in the back of your mind, you know that you kind of deserve it a little. But that wasn’t your case at all. You tried to follow your parents rules, did nothing majorly bad, and tried hard in school, only to have this self absorbed brat ruin your parent’s trust like that. I think the first step in all of this is for you to really try to come to terms with the fact that you were a pretty freakin amazing kid and you would be absolutely blessed to raise a child just like yourself once your little one is born.

About the feeling ashamed about the sex thing, honestly, I grew up in a culture where even the mention of sex is so taboo and no one would ever feel comfortable talking or even alluding to it ever, at age 20, 30 even at 80, and especially to their parents. It’s a weird thing that sex, an act that is so necessary in the whole scheme of life and humanity is made out by society to be the absolutely the “worst” thing you can do at one age, and then a few years down the line, after marriage and such, is automatically supposed to be normal and comfortable. But that’s the way it is. Really shameful one minute and then suddenly beautiful and literally life-giving at another.

I think what you should realize is that when people find out that you’re pregnant, the last thing they will think about is that you had to have sex for this to happen. It’s kind of taken as a given and honestly people automatically become unconcerned about the whole sex thing once a marriage and baby is involved. In fact, you’ll definitely get way more judged about what kind of pregnant person you are. Are you eating healthy, do you have plans to nurse, what stroller did you buy and how highly is it rated.
People are so weird about other people’s babies and feel like they know better for this child than their actual parents. It’s so dumb. But on the other hand, the whole sex thing is going to be the least of anyone’s concern. I hate to say this because of the way it might come off but everyone’s already assumed you’re going to be having sex as soon as you got married. The whole honeymoon thing.. you and your husband now living together..

I think because of the trauma of your past, you might associate pregnancy with sex a lot more than other people would. I mean, the sex had to happen for you to be given this miraculous gift but so were other things. You’re pregnant? That must also means that you had your period all along. It also means that your husband is fertile. You guys also must have had sex. These are things people just won’t think about and really so shouldn’t you if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I must say, just reading this little bit about you and your story makes me think that you’re going to be a really amazing mother to your kid. One that is responsible, compassionate, not quick to judge. And that makes me so happy for your future child. I hope that you can come to peace with the shitty behavior of some of the people in your past and realize that that girl’s lies and other people’s misinformed judgements are not your fault in the slightest way. And maybe then the whole sex thing won’t make you feel so guilty anymore. It really isn’t a bad thing! There’s a whole lineage of parents, grandparents, ancestors that had to have sex for you to even be here I the first place!

Also, good luck with the pregnancy and being a new mommy! Try to enjoy and celebrate this time if you can! It only happens once for this baby and it’ll be awesome if you can think back fondly on this exciting time in your life! ♥️

First of all, I am so sorry you had to go through that experience when you were younger. When you actually do something bad and then get caught, you kind of have a way to bare the judgements and punishments that follow because in the back of your mind, you know that you kind of deserve it a little. But that wasn’t your case at all. You tried to follow your parents rules, did nothing majorly bad, and tried hard in school, only to have this self absorbed brat ruin your parent’s trust like that. I think the first step in all of this is for you to really try to come to terms with the fact that you were a pretty freakin amazing kid and you would be absolutely blessed to raise a child just like yourself once your little one is born.
About the feeling ashamed about the sex thing, honestly, I grew up in a culture where even the mention of sex is so taboo and no one would ever feel comfortable talking or even alluding to it ever, at age 20, 30 even at 80, and especially to their parents. It’s a weird thing that sex, an act that is so necessary in the whole scheme of life and humanity is made out by society to be the absolutely the “worst” thing you can do at one age, and then a few years down the line, after marriage and such, is automatically supposed to be normal and comfortable. But that’s the way it is. Really shameful one minute and then suddenly beautiful and literally life-giving at another.
I think what you should realize is that when people find out that you’re pregnant, the last thing they will think about is that you had to have sex for this to happen. It’s kind of taken as a given and honestly people automatically become unconcerned about the whole sex thing once a marriage and baby is involved. In fact, you’ll definitely get way more judged about what kind of pregnant person you are. Are you eating healthy, do you have plans to nurse, what stroller did you buy and how highly is it rated.
People are so weird about other people’s babies and feel like they know better for this child than their actual parents. It’s so dumb. But on the other hand, the whole sex thing is going to be the least of anyone’s concern. I hate to say this because of the way it might come off but everyone’s already assumed you’re going to be having sex as soon as you got married. The whole honeymoon thing.. you and your husband now living together..
I think because of the trauma of your past, you might associate pregnancy with sex a lot more than other people would. I mean, the sex had to happen for you to be given this miraculous gift but so were other things. You’re pregnant? That must also means that you had your period all along. It also means that your husband is fertile. You guys also must have had sex. These are things people just won’t think about and really so shouldn’t you if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
I must say, just reading this little bit about you and your story makes me think that you’re going to be a really amazing mother to your kid. One that is responsible, compassionate, not quick to judge. And that makes me so happy for your future child. I hope that you can come to peace with the shitty behavior of some of the people in your past and realize that that girl’s lies and other people’s misinformed judgements are not your fault in the slightest way. And maybe then the whole sex thing won’t make you feel so guilty anymore. It really isn’t a bad thing! There’s a whole lineage of parents, grandparents, ancestors that had to have sex for you to even be here I the first place!
Also, good luck with the pregnancy and being a new mommy! Try to enjoy and celebrate this time if you can! It only happens once for this baby and it’ll be awesome if you can think back fondly on this exciting time in your life! ♥️

I am angry at the teachers , and everyone judging you before verifying the fact first. And your parents should have trusted your words over theirs. Thats complete discrimination. And un professionalism

EDIt: i have thr habit of replying beforr finishing a post lol. I kinda wish to know how it goes with your parents, if its not too indiscreet

You say you are a mom now. What advice would you give your daughter is this happened to her? If she was filling shame about something that was so beyond her control? What would you tell her about the conversation she should have with the people who wounded her? Sometimes we fight more for other people than we do for ourselves. I feel that you have some wounds that need healing and having this difficult conversation with your parents letting them know how hurt you were is important. They will not apologize. This is about you setting a boundary and standing up for yourself. It is time to pull the bandaid off and heal and let it go. All the best to you. I am sorry you were betrayed by so many. That is on them. Not you.

You really need an apology from your parents. How could they fail you so hard. They took for granted the word of a stranger over you. I know that happened long time ago but do they not have a grain of common sense? It's really infuriating how fucking stupid your parents were to believe that.

Genuinely hope that other girl gets what's coming to her. Just the fact that she had to try and ruin your life just because she couldn't cut it through her own hard work and effort, that person is scum of the worst kind.

I admit I don't know every single part of your history with this person, but just on a general level, if another individual was selfish enough to try and screw another person's future over by spreading malicious lies, they deserve some equally bad punishments. That's just such a toxic act to commit, and even at 15, kids have some sense of judgement and what's right and wrong.

The girl that did that to you was a stupid cunt but your parents bear a lot of the liability for your negative experience. If what you say is true, they sound narrow minded, gullible, and frankly really fucking stupid.

Despite a fucking pregnancy test that literally proved you were not pregnant, the fact that some stupid cunt girl in your grade accused you of it was enough for them to act the way they did? Fuck them. Don't let their non sensical bullshit affect your life.

OP...You should check out Raised By Narcasscists. Just to see if you recognize any of your parents behaviors. I know I don't know your entire life and relationship with your parents, But....Something's defenitly wrong there.

They shouldn't have shamed you for two years without any proof, Even if they thought you had sex. They should've defended you, Like any parent should, And they should've asked for your side of the story. I've read most of your comments and...They don't seem to feel any guilt and they have other concerning behaviors. Like rugsweeping, Refusing to talk about what happened. A good parent would be apologetic over what happened, They wouldn't see it as justified.

Trust me. It took me years to realise that my own dad was emotionally abusive and a narcissist, But now I can work through those issues he caused. And you need to see a therapist if it's still affecting you this many years later. I get it, You still love them, You can still have a relationship with them, But you need to realize that what they did was emotionally abusive.

"I’m so ashamed to admit to my mother that i had sex and made a baby." Do you think your mother feels ashamed that she had sex and made you? Because, she must have. Also, once you tell her that she'll be a grandma, she will literally be over the moon happy.

Now, do you actually talk about sex with your husband? With your friends? With your OB/midwife/family doctor? Anybody? I think what you need, and this will help you get through the pregnancy successfully too, is getting used to talking about sex. It's like a monster in horror films, the less you see it, the scarier it is. And during pregnancy and during birthing process, it will really help you and your baby to be able to tell your doctor/husband what is happening to your body. This starts with referring to every body part in with correct terminology, and being radically honest - for example "doggy style hurts, because you are bumping my cervix, and it is sensitive right now." This will be especially important postpartum. So practice talking about sex and your body with your husband, with your friends (they will ask you about pregnant sex), with your health care professionals, and then I think you will get over some of guilt and shame around your parents. Also, getting used to talking about sex will prepare you to talk about sex with your child.

I didn't go through anything like that, but I remember how vehemently my mother would say things like " if you get pregnant young remember I won't help you out" " you'll be on your own" " boys are only ever after one thing"

As a result when I found myself pregnant at 32 with a stable job with good maternity pay, owning two homes, with a husband who makes more than enough money for me to be a sahm I went into panic mode. It took me weeks to pluck up the courage to tell her. Actually I wanted to write her a letter and then ignore her.

Afterwards when she'd been really excited for me etc and the dust settled I explained I'd been afraid to tell her. We already had a strong relationship but it really helped. We're even closer now and that baby is approaching two.

I think you should tell them and explain how hard it has been to tell them. Me personally, I would drive the point home that nothing happened at school. If they react already with awkward silence Id be willing to put money on it being shame at their own behaviour.

Something I do want to warn you about. People are saying they should appologise and you should discuss it with them. Now, healthy people when their children tell them " you hurt me, you scarred me" they take it in, process it, acknowledge they sucked, and give a genuine appology.

BUT raisedbynarcissist material dont react like that. They DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, poor us you ungrateful child with everything we have done for you!), or they gaslight ( you are remembering it wrong! ) or they destroy your experience ( you are so overdramatic!). And that can be triggering and upsetting and do the oposite of healing you.

So please take care of yourself, and if you decide to confront them, be ready for their bullshit. If it goes that way, dont engage, leave and find yourself a good trauma therapist to help you through this.

This story made me so fucking angry and upset for you. I know the feeling of being made to feel shitty by parents who were otherwise caring. I too was raised in a Christian household. My dad is actually a vicar in the CoE. I’ve always felt looked down on in a way by the rest of my family because I haven’t been as successful academically speaking as my two older brothers (I got a 2:1 at university after fighting mental health issues the whole time and feel it wasn’t good enough and I should have got a first), I got shot down by my mother when I tried to talk about my issues with anxiety/depression and etc. I’ll stop before my comment stops being about your struggle. What I wanted to say is I feel your pain. Being male, I can’t relate on the pregnancy issue. The closest I can get is the issue my parents had with me being bi. But I agree with the people who are urging you to bring up this topic again and how it made you feel. It’s not going to fun, but it just makes me so angry that you’ve faced such an injustice at the hands of an absolutely ridiculous situation. Your school staff sound absolutely fucking horrendous and this girl sounds like the kind of person the world would be significantly better off without. I’m just truly so sorry.

I dont understand how some girl can simply say "shes prego" and the principal just trusted her and so did your parents with no proof. Id understand if it was just a rumor among kids but the fact that a bunch of adults just believed this girl and crucified you for it seems extremely weird.

This will probably get buried at this point but I just wanted to say that it is important to have positive support throughout your pregnancy and your life. I am glad that you were able to forgive your parents but their residual toxicity even years later is not good for you.

The idea that sex is fine after years of shame is hard to grasp. Just know that no one cares that you are having sex now and there is nothing wrong about it in any way. The shame you feel is inevitable given your background trauma, so I second that you should seek professional mental health counseling.

I am not sure if the core of the issue could be resolved easily without some sort of confrontation at some point. It wont be easy but it may help immensely. It seems like it is holding you back from life. You need your parents to understand that you were not sexually active and that they let you down by not believing you. Sit them down and let them know you want to have a serious discussion in private and then tell them how hurt your feel that they didnt believe you, and how it effects you today. The issue might not be a big deal to them now but it still has control over aspects of your life and clearing the air might break some of that hold for you, and that is important. You and your feelings are important.

Hope this helps and I hope you can get through this. You are stronger than you realize.

Not strange for parents believing a made up pregnancy if they follow a made up religion 🤷🏻‍♂️
My parents thought I did drugs, but I really only really liked gory alien monsters.
Personally, not religious anymore but I realize I can’t blame my past or the ignorance of my parents, just move on. The present is now and it seems your life has moved on, just keep your mind here in the present.

I think the most crucial thing here is that you confront your parents about the trauma they inflicted on you. Remind them of every cruel thing they ever said. Remind them exactly how you suffered. If it makes it easier, write a letter and have them read it.

You won't ever feel free of this trauma until you do your part in making your parents realize their error. They owe you an apology. A big one.

You were traumatized by this situation and while it wasn’t a violent action done to you it caused trauma nonetheless. An event like this can still cause an atypical form of PTSD especially if current stressors or events remind you of the traumatic experience.

You had an event occur that was well beyond your control. You couldn’t defend yourself from being accused of being pregnant or engaging in underaged sex in a society that seemed overly puritanical. To add to this, your parents punished you for 2 years afterwards by restricting your freedoms as well as making snide remarks without hearing your side of the story nor caring to investigate further reminding you of the traumatic event. This alone is a form of emotional abuse. Tying it to the traumatic event just makes it hat much worse.

It is completely natural to experience a mood disorder after a traumatic event like this as well as possible atypical PTSD from it all.

Shame on your parents and school teachers for putting up with another ~14 year old’s BS and letting the legal system take advantage of you as a helpless kid.

I’d suggest you get counseling and seek out an actual diagnosis from a psychologist or psychiatrist and begin to undo the damage that was done in the past. It will be helpful going forward and after pregnancy because postpartum depression is likely a risk in your situation. I hope you heal from it all.

You are not alone, I have similar feelings of guilt and shame relating to nudity and sex.

I think your best course is to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It helps to dig deep into WHY you have these inappropriate responses to what should be normal, natural things. When you work through the why, and you work out what is a healthier thought, you start to let go of the guilt, shame, anxiety.

There are CBT self-help work books that have shown similar success rates as seeing a licensed therapist for the same work. Most therapists will actually work through a book with you. If money is an issue, I HIGHLY recommend a book.

Sue the girl who pulled you down the rabbit hole that changed your life badly, or spread rumours about her. Why did they believe her and not see her smug face ? Do they believe everything she says? Are her parents rich or own the school?

I heard a great bit of philosophy today that says we aren’t anxious of things that could happen, we are worried about the things that did. School of Life explains it better. When I read your post it reminded me of this short video.

OP I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to deal with all of that. I can relate to body shame and my mother making me feel very ashamed of my body. A good therapist is a good idea, but you can work on these things on your own in addition. Try to say to yourself : I am an adult, I like myself, other people’s opinions do not matter, I am entitled to my happiness. Now, that may be a stretch at first, but really work on believing that you are entitled to your own happiness. Explore for yourself why you feel otherwise as you say those words. With repetition, you will feel stronger. Now about being a mom, I’ll bet you’ll be a wonderful parent just because of your own sensitivities and concerns. Best of luck to you!

What the fuck? No one thought to get you checked out? What did everyone say/do, including your parents, when your belly never grew and you never gave birth? The adults in your life really failed you, and it's truly baffling at how badly they failed you.

Just realize that none of this was your fault. You were young, confused, and betrayed by those who should have done more to protect you and stand up for you - namely, your parents. You were a kid, a kid who lacked the education on BC and pregnancy and sex that she needed to even understand herself what was going on.

You NEED to talk to your parents about this. With your partner there for support. They need to know how wrong they were and what this has done to you. They need to listen. And if they won't, you can have limited to no contact with them (including relating to your baby) until they are ready to listen - and apologize. Now it's your turn to be in control. You can do it! You can post in/check out JustNoMIL or JustNoFamily (sorry I don't know how to link the actual subs, I suck at reddit) for support!

What the fuck? No one thought to get you checked out? What did everyone say/do, including your parents, when your belly never grew and you never gave birth? The adults in your life really failed you, and it's truly baffling at how badly they failed you.

Just realize that none of this was your fault. You were young, confused, and betrayed by those who should have done more to protect you and stand up for you - namely, your parents. You were a kid, a kid who lacked the education on BC and pregnancy and sex that she needed to even understand herself what was going on.

I did see the edits and don't feel they answer my questions properly :/ (which isn't your fault AT ALL, it's the fault of all the adults in your life at the time because it all just doesn't make any sense). I hope you saw my edits too on my post because I added some potentially helpful advice, if it's the direction you want to go in.

I'm sorry this all happened to you. Like I said, so many adults in your life so badly failed you, especially your parents. You didn't deserve it, and it truly makes no sense how this even happened.

Another piece of advice you may want to pursue - therapy. The therapist will listen to you and help you work through all your feelings and emotions. The therapist won't tell you you're wrong to feel a certain way, or downplay anything, like your parents might. He or she will listen and help you. This is such a messed up situation that happened to you, with clearly far-reaching consequences on your adult life, that you may want to seek professional help.

But always remember NOTHING that happened here is your fault! This is so important for you to know.

Yes, you took a test and it was negative - did your parents see it? Did the school ever find out you weren't actually pregnant? No one thought to ask you whether you'd actually had sex? Or I guess they just wouldn't believe you anyway because they were all so messed up. No one thought to ask this girl how she may have known anything?

Again, these failures aren't your fault and me questioning them isn't blaming YOU or questioning YOU. And btw, they are not questions YOU even have to answer, they're just questions I have that I would ask the adults involved if I could; so don't think I am in any way questioning or blaming you. I'm questioning the adults in your life and how badly they fucked up here, how fucked up they were for caring so much about alleged underage sex. You were bowled right over, no one thought to ask you or stick up for you and that is so WRONG. It's so wrong I can't even comprehend it, I can only imagine how you feel.

I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming you at all or ambushing you with questions. I am sorry if I am coming across that way; please understand these are more rhetorical questions I would have for the adults in this situation and you do not have to answer them, nor do I expect you to explain this utter nonsense, because you didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't your nonsense.

Truly, the amount that the people in the school and your parents fucked up here is unbelievable. And I'm sorry it happened to you, and that no one listened to you or cared about what you had to say. Or let you speak at all.

Your parents should always have your back and be on your side, it is their job to look out for you, protect you. They didn't do that here and that is so wrong.

Total understand how you're feeling, my dad was big in the community so it was made very clear that I must not step out of line and disgrace the family. My mum did such a number on me that I remain childless (and have now grown too old and missed that option.)

Remind yourself that you fit the criteria, your parent's, set for having babies. You ARE an adult, you ARE married, its all OK and try to enjoy this wonderful time in your life.

Also, just wondering, did you ever get an apology, 9 months down the line and nothing to show for it? Poor younger you, that really was an awful thing to hafta deal with.

Edit 2: for everyone asking about why no one realised there was no baby. The test was negative. The impact of underaged sex was the overarching concern for my parents and school staff. It was blown out of proportion because the school meeting was so severe and did not allow me to say a word.

The way that the rules were structured, I did not have an opportunity to stand up for myself sadly. At 14, not everybody is mature enough to be able to shout and fight their way from injustices like this. I did of course inform my parents of the truth but the severity of the meeting had caused them to mistrust me.

I realise you’re intending to hurt me - but you seem perhaps like you have some hurt of your own. Whatever it is, I hope it heals and you don’t need to take it out on others :)

Ha, wasn't trying to hurt you. Just sad to see how easily you just accepted the fate of your unfortunate circumstances... like seriously you let your parents talk to you like that..? So many things could of been different if you just stood firm. But hey rules and all.. by all means that's a good excuse.

You don’t need to get “revenge”. You need closure and a way to get these feelings off your chest. Congrats on being a mom yourself! Know that you will be an great mother to your child and be there for him/her during rough times :)

She said she's 25 now. That was eleven years ago? What's she supposed to do? Go find some punk kid she knew in middle school (who obviously didn't understand the full extent of what she was doing) and do what exactly? At this point if OP is still holding that grudge she can't do much more damage to that girl, than OP is doing to herself. Which clearly isn't the case as she said that for the most part, things have certainly improved in her life.

I know Jesus teaches us to forgive and all that, but in the book of me it says "kill everyone who is responsible for trauma and the ruin of your teenage life." So if you need someone to stab that bitch in her throat, call me.

I can see from your posting history that something has clearly hurt you. When I was young, I was very socially awkward and shy. I hope whatever it is that’s hurting you and causing you to lash out at others heals :)

Honestly, if it were me, I'd get revenge on the other girl. Write an open letter and post it on the internet or in the local paper. That's what I'd do. Get some closure on that bitch, and take the school to task as well. That's just me. I'd want to take that shame off my own shoulders and put it on someone else's. Something to consider.

I have to admit half way through i wanted some sort of revenge in the little bitch that screwed you over and lied.... thats a lot of shit to take from 1 lie.... reeeeeally hoping it comes back to her because that was messed up

Yeah but there is a difference between telling a lie and telling that lie is more what i meant. She didnt want to win, she wanted to ruin you from what i read. I agree you are right that is the adult way to think of it, but that just seemed so over the top to win a competition, sry that happened to you. Youve obviously become a strong person for it, i just hate that it happened period is more what how i want to sound.