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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I'm afraid that your eyes don't deceive you. I am older--Levi is older--and it seems that not years are furthering the aging process, but the life around us. It was all so busy, hectic, and demaninding, and there were few things keeping me grounded at the moment. One of those things were my family.

A few days ago, Levi confessed to me that he was fired--had been fired. Oh boy, was I angry. Why didn't he just tell me? No, instead he decided he didn't need the music industry to help him with his dreams. He told me had it all planned out. He and my brother, he claimed, were started a band called the Infiltrators, and he would manage it.

But he wasn't the only one having career difficulties.

That night I had been demoted. Pay decreased and work hours maximized. We were already barely able to pay the bills.

But that wasn't the only shocker. I had also found out I was pregnant.

And it was all to much. I broke down, right then. I was frustrated. Frustrated that I couldn't help. Couldn't provide a decent home for my little Noel and my future child. Frustrated that I couldn't do anything right. Frustrated, because Levi deserved so much better than me.

My dear Noel. Could it already be that time? As she blew her candles, I made a silent wish for my children.

May you grow up and prosper. Forgive Mommy. Forgive Daddy. I promise you we did our best.

She gave one last dazzling smile to her father, and she was no longer my little Noel, but a woman to be.

She liked to spend a lot of time in her room. For hours, she would just sit there, and I wondered what she thought about. She was definitely a deep thinker--it took a lot to get her out of those frequent spells.

I saw so much of her parents in her face. She reminded me of myself when I was her age-- young, carefree, and loving. So why then, when I looked at her, all I wanted to do was cry?

I did mention there were a few things that kept me grounded did I not? Well Brian here provided me means to express the evil side of me--the side that clawed so angrily to get out.

Was it murder, what I was trying to do? Probably. But Noel would never know, and Levi would never know, and he was simply my source of entertainment for now.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I never really cared to have a family. I had always told myself that I would be fine riding solo, and I didn't need anyone to support me. I thought Levi proved that wrong, but it wasn't him that proved it to me. It was Noel. My precious Noel.

Babies had forever seemed disgusting too me, and they always seemed to cry too much. But everything she did made my heart melt. To the way she ate, to the way she spoke complete nonsense, even to the way she cried.

Sometimes, I just stared at her in complete admiration. She seemed to be my carbon copy, except for the fact that she had her father's skintone. She was a heavy little sleeper, which I suppose was good for us. She slept all night, and most of the morning. Not only that, but she was also very brave. She was already beginning to walk, and was getting into everything around the house.

Levi thought Noel was simply a delight. When he wasn't working, he was ooh-ing and coo-ing with little Noel. He rarely had any time to himself, he was constantly balancing out work, Noel, and myself. He was an impeccable, father, this was true.

Levi built dry wall to make Noel a room; which I was not very happy with considering it meant taking space off of our room. His paranoia led him to install two windows just to make sure she was okay, and placed the bed at an angle to where he could see her at any portion of the night. Which I guess meant that she could see us, so we had to cut out a "certain activity" for the time-being. Or I darned hope it's the time being.

In the meantime, the evil side of me was feeling a bit neglected, so I decided to call up Brian.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

We weren't exactly the slow-moving type. The old fashioned ones that waited about a year before they married, to make sure they were the one. But like I've said, some things you just know. You don't need to think.

But when he bent down on one knee, I would be lying if I said I wasn't surprised, because I was. I had know this man for barely a month, and we were already at this point? I'm not sure I've led many other lives, but the fact remains is that some people wait. And wait a long time.

However, Levi and I were both nearing the end of our prime, and we felt no need to delay anything. We both knew how we felt about each other, and as far as I was concerned, nothing could ruin it.

I knew I was making the right choice when I accepted. There was no doubts in my mind that there was anyone out there that was better than Levi.

And I'm certain he felt the same way.

There was no reason as to have a proper marriage, as neither of us had any family, except that I had Tristan. And a one brother wedding would just be lame, so we decided to exchanged our vows right there in his living room.

(what a story to tell the grandkids)

As I clasped his hands, nothing in this world felt more right. I was officially the wife of Levi--not Strong--but Vegas.

He told me that before we did anything else, we should go and tell my brother of our recent marriage. I knew he was right, and I also knew he'd be pissed that I didn't tell him that I was getting married. As far as he was concerned, I was still dating Brian. Boy, wouldn't that help the ever-growing tension of ours!

As we got into the elevator to see Tristan, Levi was thinking of what to say to Tristan when we got to his apartment.

Brian or Levi? Levi or Brian? Or just screwing the whole relationship thing entirely.... no risks means no pain.

But some things you just know. Just.... yearn for. You can't let go of it, and you can't control it. It lashes out and does what it wants, and you just have to go with it.

And that was Levi. Levi was everything I could ever imagine and more, and that sounds so cheesy, I know. But there seemed to be nothing else without him. Levi was the star I orbited around, that let me live.

It's strange how you can live your entire life without knowing a person, and you can live that way. But once you meet them, life jerks to a stop. The first reaction is shock. A shock so incredible that it hurts, even more so when it's gone. Then you give in. And you're enveloped in a shroud of happiness, and it's all you can see.