Farts VS Zombies

If you download a game called “Farts Vs Zombies,” you probably shouldn’t expect a digital journey into the deepest recesses of mankind’s soul. Instead, you should expect a game that’s dumb, immature, and mocks itself mercilessly.

Farts Vs Zombies is certainly dumb and immature, which is fine. Maturity is for poo-poo heads, anyway. The real problem is that Mutant Games thinks the mouldy jokes and tropes at the butt (ha!) of Farts vs. Zombies are hilarious. They’re not. Worst of all, the game just isn’t fun to play.

Chivalry at its finest.

Farts Vs Zombies is a line-drawing zombie-slaying game that utilizes clouds of rear exhaust in the place of bullets. You play as Colonel John Farter, a Chuck Norris lookalike who bends over the left side of the screen and chows down on various food items in order to generate enough fragrant justice for the zombies shuffling in from the right side of the screen.

The foodstuffs scroll slowly– way too slowly– down a conveyer belt. Each item is color-coded. Once the repast has been consumed and digested (takes about a second), the Colonel generates a fart cloud that matches the color of the item that was digested. You then trace a path for the cloud until it drifts into the face of some unfortunate zombie. Some zombies can be taken out by any color of fart, but many have to be eliminated through a fart of a particular color.

No comment.

There are about ten billion line-drawing games on the App Store, and few of them are as frustrating as Farts Vs Zombies. John Farter can pick up power-ups to aid him in is, uh, battle, but it’s just not enough to give you a fighting chance. His farts drift too slowly, the zombies move in too quickly, and matching up the right-colored fart cloud to the right species of zombie is supremely annoying– especially since many color-coded zombies take two or more hits to kill. You’ll die over and over again.

And truthfully, you won’t find much about Farts Vs Zombies that will encourage you to keep playing. The game’s jokes read like the work of a thirteen-year-old who tried too hard. Some of the enemy zombies, for instance, include the Pope, Hitler, and Michael Jackson. Why? No real reason beyond the fact that these “edgy” jokes might push the buttons of a 50-year-old Arizona grandmother who is still ignorant about Internetâ„¢ brand humor. As for the rest of us, we get laugh at Chuck Norris references and schoolgirls and evil purple unicorns. Craaaaazy!

Farts Vs Zombies won’t leave a lasting impression on anyone, not even steadfast fans of the line-drawing genre. Save your money and let it drift away on the wind.

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