My husband and I met in 1999. He told me about "Maharaji" soon after we met. Wanting to know my future husband better, I listened to the tapes and went to broadcasts. I didn't get anything from them to speak of, but they weren't obnoxious either; aside from that weird high pitched voice. I fell asleep a lot. During one reverential Sunday afternoon session in front of the television at someone's house watching a broadcast, I laughed aloud. The roof didn't collapse on me, though I felt like everybody thought that's the least of what I deserved.

No big deal." So, by fall of 2001, a few months after we were married, my Asking for Knowledge session was scheduled. A few days before going to Chicago, I had a compulsion to look into things a bit more. In my internet searching, I found ex-premie.org.

To say that I was shocked would be the grossest understatement. I was shocked, horrified, revolted. The things that no one had told me about this peace and love thing were shocking. I'd never been told about the vows or even heard of them. I knew nothing about the foot kissing, nor did I realize that non-premies were excluded from most of Rawat's events. I was dimly aware that there were some videos I had not been invited to, but hadn't realized that I would have been prevented from watching them if I had gone. Why the secrecy? Why the paranoia? I had thought this was supposed to be the greatest thing in the world. Why had so much been hidden from me?
Of course, in my search I found Jagdeo, Pat Halley, the cyclist in India and more. Sure that my beloved husband had no idea of this information and feeling certain that he had been conned and lied to, I printed out pages and pages of information.

Of course, you have guessed what happened next. He had heard of it all. That's when I got the first wave of:

"I didn't see that happen."
"I wasn't there."
"I don't believe that."

And the most horrifying of all,

"None of that matters to me. It's my experience that I care about."

Next came the confrontational, "Were you there? Did you see that? Can you prove that it happened?"
Then, he got angry. Not yelling and shouting angry, just 'not talking' angry. I was shattered by his reaction. Also, I was struggling to accept the obvious fact that what I regarded as information having at least enough merit to warrant further investigation was dismissed completely and utterly by my husband.

Those days are seared in my memory as some of the worst days of my life. There were certainly more bad days to follow. Every time my husband remembered my "rejection" of Rawat, he withdrew from me. I began to wonder just what kind of "peace" and "love" this was about that he could hurt me so unbelievably. I have yet to get an answer to that. I know now, of course, that it isn't about peace and love at all, but is about Rawat, and worshiping him, and sending him money.

I canceled my "Asking for Knowledge" session. The last thing I wanted was to be anywhere near that. I stopped listening to broadcasts and tapes. The screech of that whiny voice set my teeth on edge. I had already known that the great K wasn't a goal for me. Now I actively hated Rawat.

The first time my husband left me to go to a program, we had only been married about a year. The pain was excruciating. It became more and more obvious to me that Rawat was the most important person in my husband's life. It was painfully clear that what my husband had said to me, "I love Maharaji more than anyone in the world!" was in fact, the absolute truth.

He went to another program a couple of years later. There were the same horrible feelings of loneliness, unimaginable hurt, anger and being 'set aside'. Again and again, I struggled with "What is this peace and love thing that can let him hurt me this badly?"

Fortunately for me, Rawat can't be bothered to come to the American Midwest too often. There's not a lot of money here, and possibly fewer people searching for some unknown, indefinable 'something'. Whatever the reason, I am grateful. Still, I hate to hear anytime Rawat gets within a thousand miles of us. That's just too close to me. Actually, if he is anywhere on the planet, it's too close.

In 2006, I posted this on the ex-premie forum:

"My name is Angela Traynor. I am not a premie, though my husband is. A few weeks ago, my husband received a phone call from a local premie, requesting a meeting. It was clear that I was not to be at the meeting. We have known this premie for quite some time; I enjoy visiting with him, so I was disappointed. Also, I was confused; this made no sense to me at all. Two weeks went by during which my husband became increasingly withdrawn and distracted. During these two weeks, which included our wedding anniversary, I began to be worried about my husband. He survived three strokes last year, and I began to think he must have had another stroke, so unusual was his behavior. After two weeks, I finally convinced him to tell me what was wrong. My husband told me that the premie, working on information from Elan Vital, was trying to locate an anonymous poster on the ex-premie forum. The premie had decided that I am that poster and told my husband this. He told my husband that they, Elan Vital, have a "massive" stack of posts made by this person and that it includes every post the person ever made. He also insisted that my husband keep this information from me. There is no way to describe what those two weeks of worry and stress and fear for my husband did to me. My husband had obviously been deeply distressed during this time; I have no way of knowing what damage it might have done to him and his health.

What was done to us and to our marriage is inexcusable. No one should ever have to endure what we have just been through, all of which was caused by outside forces, seemingly extremely paranoid forces. It would be my hope that the people who did this would never, ever do it again to anyone. This was cruelty. Not only to me. I was accused, tried, and convicted without ever even knowing I was under suspicion of someone's imagined evil. Why did no one contact me directly? If it concerns me, am I not the logical person to contact? But the cruelty was also to my husband. To make demands which force a wedge between a husband and wife is torture to them. Two innocent people endured two weeks of hell, and for what? Can anyone tell me that? I would very much like a real answer to that question.

To anonymous posters, specifically one who posts as "premie spouse": Elan Vital is trying to find you. What they plan to do then, I have no idea. Why an organization would track and stalk someone like they appear to have done in this situation is beyond me. This organization is ruthless and heartless. "

With their actions, I considered that a state of war existed between me, Rawat and Elan Vital. At that point, I realized that they will stop at nothing. Up to that time, I had kept quiet, at least as quiet as I could, with an occasional flare-up, about Rawat. When Elan Vital tried to destroy my marriage, the gloves came off. I made a vow for myself at that point to do what I could to help destroy his disgusting and dangerous cult. If anything I could do or say would keep other people from going through what I had been through I would do it and say it.

Rawat's pathetic attempts to keep premies trapped never stop. He dangles carrots at them constantly. Videos, broadcasts, webcasts, the keys, more webcasts…. Premies go bounding after each of Rawat's new ploys like puppies chasing a rubber ball. All Rawat wants to do is see if he can still make his premies chase whatever he throws at them. Rawat's every waking thought must be, "How can I get more money out of those people?"

Many things about Rawatism make no sense to me. How can a premie believe that Rawat loves him or her is beyond me. There is absolutely no evidence to support that. Premies, who demand evidence to prove all criticism of Rawat, believe he loves them. Nothing supports that belief. Premies will go to almost any lengths to sit in front of Rawat at a program. Yet, when asked later what Rawat said, the answer is usually that they have no idea but that "he was wonderful." They think he was wonderful because they had already decided before the event that "Maharaji is so wonderful." He could read the phone book and belch and they would say the same thing. Premies aren't listening to Rawat. A normal person can't listen to him without a complete suspension of sense and self, and not go insane. The reason is that he doesn't say anything. You have to have decided ahead of time that he is wonderful, and then you are free to not listen and simply sit there wrapped in your self-induced bliss and wonderfulness.

My message to people considering becoming involved with Rawat is simple: "Don't. He does not care about you; do not let yourself be bull-shitted into believing otherwise. He will make demands that your loved ones may not understand and there will be times when you will have to choose between Rawat and your family. If you are seriously considering following Rawat and adding to his ego and wealth, you must in all fairness, inform your loved ones and discuss it openly with them. Ask your partner if they will mind being second in your affections and in your life from now on. If they say sure, no problem, I suggest you get out of the relationship. It's dead. Besides, you will need all of your available time and money to worship Rawat in the manner he expects."

I still keep peace at home as best I can. My fight is with Rawat, not my husband. I love my husband dearly. There may be nothing I can do about what Rawat has done to my husband; my beloved husband has been under Rawat's mind control for many decades now. But, there will be other people that will be stopped from throwing their entire life, and by association the lives of everyone they love, on the putrid pile of filth that is Rawat by what they read on ex-premie.org. For that reason, I post my story.