Growing up is hard to do. Quiet or loud.

Lately people have been saying to me, “Gee, you’re pretty quiet Heather,” and I am concerned. I am concerned because I am not used to hearing that. Am I just simply settling into myself, or am I changing my outgoing and trusting nature to that of a more subdued and hesitant person because of life events? People who knew me before the quiet phase are also concerned. Particularly ones that I haven’t seen in a while.

They ask me if I am okay. They sometimes ask me if I am upset with them. Can’t a girl change things about herself? Especially things that she’s grown up hearing complaints about? That she is becoming self-concious about, maybe a little.

Sometimes I feel totally comfortable and at ease, but I just don’t feel like I have anything to say anymore. Other times, I talk people’s ears off but I can’t figure out why. I am still the same person that I have always been, I’m just choosing that I’d rather be the person that people actually listen to. I want to be the person that when people hear her speak, they stop and pay attention because surely it’s going to have value. I don’t want to be the girl that rambles on so much that even her own mother tunes her out multiple times in a day.

Does this need to be heard that is causing me to speak less mean I am growing up a little, or does it mean I am falling prey to a childish fear that I am not enough simply how I am? I find it ironic that I am being quieter because I want people to hear me. I don’t want to annoy people into a state of “Oh, it’s just Heather, I don’t really have to pay attention.”

I am tired of feeling like I push people away with my incessant blabbering. But I can’t always keep it in. Sometimes I don’t feel like it should be kept in, and I want to scream it out at people. Now I am stuck in the middle. Have I gone to far? Will I swing back the other way? Should I just cut out my tongue and carry paper and a pen at all times?Okay, that is a little ridiculous, even for me.

Growing up is hard to do. Especially when you don’t ever want to lose your inner child. Especially when you are me, and you promised yourself you never would. Can I succesfully hold onto both of my selves? My growing self and my childish self? My pure self and my tainted self? Can I be naive while still having common sense? Can I be completely honest while protecting my privacy?

Is any of this going to matter?

There goes that “Is … going to matter?” phrase that I hate so much again. Goodness gracious, of course whatever it is matters. You matter, I matter, whatever we say or do or think, good or bad, matters. But sometimes I trick myself into believe none of this matters. I trick myself into believing that nothing ever has mattered or ever will matter. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one tricking myself into thinking this way, and then I know that I am not. Other people trick themselves into believing this too.

I have to push through this because I have people (even if I don’t always realize it) who either already are, or will someday be, looking up to my decisions and actions. They may even believe them to be some great choices, whether they are or not. There could be people who will grow up, and they will weigh my choices and actions alongside their own thoughts and form opinions based on all sorts of factors. Many of these factors will have little or nothing to do with me, but some of them might.

I don’t want to risk somebody else believing that nothing matters because I act like nothing matters, or because I say that nothing matters. Sure, there are moments I might believe it to be true– then I think about all of the people who have mattered to me, without even realizing it. All of the names and faces that I could talk about, in varying details, who have changed my life in big and small ways. People who often don’t even know they’re doing it. Sometimes, they couldn’t tell you anything about me.

I have to own up to the fact that I don’t live in a bubble, where no one will ever see what I do or hear what I say.

This always brings me back full circle, to wondering if it matters that I am quiet or talkative. Does it? I’ll probably never know. The crazy thing is that just about every single person I come into contact with will know, and I still don’t get to know.

Thanks Grace! :] It’s true that I am trying to be more mindful of what I say and when I say it. Not because I am particularly ashamed, but because other people have voices that need to be heard as well. And because I want what I say to mean something.

Well, gee, thanks! I want to learn from all sorts of people, myself included! Maybe that is a selfish reason that I write these blogs to begin with. Sort of a self-educating tool where I allow myself to express thoughts freely into the keyboard and then really examine them for what they are. It’s like discovering myself, and others, and the world. Maybe I should change the title 😉 I love you too!

Well here is something that I haven’t done in a while, commenting on your blog. I just have to say that whatever you do, I will always love you for it. I, myself, am going through somewhat the same thing right now because I changed my degree and am now taking on things that I never though I’d do in my entire life: Being Web Design and Graphic Design.
All my life I knew what I wanted to do with my future. But now that I have made the changes I have made, I am wondering why I have stressed myself over something that I could never do, when I can do what I have now, better? Maybe I should write in my blog about this?
Sometimes I think we are connected in some way, Heather. Miss you girly!
Lyn

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The Blogger

Smile about what you are thankful for, and never forget you are a dreamer.

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I am a girl on a mission, and the mission I am on is to be myself. I am an undiscovered treasure, and here I am giving you a key that will allow you a little further into the labyrinth of who I am.

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Reading: just about anything I can get my hands on, other blogs, and especially YA Fiction Novels. Lately I have been really into anything by SARK and other non-fiction books.
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Writing: updates for my blog, a children's book, music/lyrics, and letters to pen pals. ;)
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Singing: Warm-Ups.
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Learning: How to use my voice as an instrument, History of Art, Watercolor, how to be actively involved in creating a better community, and something new every single day.
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Hoping for: Wisdom and patience when things are hard, a smile no matter what, and a better community. __________________________________
Dreaming about: HAPPINESS
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Eating: <3 Peanut Butter Pie. Peanut Butter Sandwiches. Peanut Butter No-Bake Cookies.
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Drinking: Water, usually.
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Playing: The Sims 3, Dance Central, and the Piano and Guitar.
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Watching: Christmas/Halloween movies, Who's the Boss? reruns, and crazy-cool documentaries about dead people.
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Listening to: Informative & Educational Podcasts, all kinds of music, and trying to listen to my parents (they are very wise, after all).

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Heather

Heather loves hats that are designed to look like cute animals, fairy wings, cheese pizza, swimming in ponds, roller blading, taking silly self-portraits, learning, spending time with people, and just about everything else too. Heather does not love ... well, there isn't a lot that she doesn't love. You can probably figure it out after a little while!