Monday, December 5, 2016

My parents were able to spend Thanksgiving week with us this
year. It’s the first time they’ve seen the farm, so it was really nice having
them here.

But, on the last morning of their visit, the lie was finally
revealed.

Back story: I crashed into arachnophobia pretty hard when I
was 8 years old. It was August, and the movie Arachnophobia had been released
on VHS. My family rented it from Blockbuster Video- yeah, I know, I’m dating
myself here. Anyway, I wasn’t allowed to watch the whole thing, for one it was “too
scary,” and it was also past my bedtime*. I was under the bed sheet, and it
started doing that thing where it kind of shifts and tickles. Now when it does
that, I’m up faster than jackrabbit on speed! Because on that fateful night, in
August when I was the sweet, tender, innocent age of 8; I thought nothing of
the shift in the bed sheet- right up until a HUGE MANEATING SPIDER JUMPED ON MY
FACE! This thing was huge- covered my nose and mouth, down to my chin. I flung
it off and tried to scream. I opened my mouth, but no sound could come out.

I ran into the living room, where my parents were still
watching the movie, and in my panic, managed to choke out the words “spider”
and “help” while frantically pointing towards my room.

My dad started searching. All the lights were on, and he
started systematically peeling off all the bedsheets. No spider. The
explanations started coming, “It was just a dream… because of the movie…”
Vaguely, I became aware of an additional weight on the sleeve of the t-shirt I
wore to bed. I looked down, and staring up at me was the evil demon beast. It
was SITTING ON MY SHOULDER watching my dad search for it like, “Hey, when you
find it let me know!” I was paralyzed. My mom was not. She finally saw it, too,
and flung it off my shoulder, screaming, and I was screaming, and the spider
was scuttling, and my dad was confused as hell!

Finally, though, my dad found the spider- a harmless garden
spider, big, scary, but ultimately harmless. Instead of killing it, though, he
scooped it up and put it outside delivering the “It’s more afraid of you than
you are of it” line. “Good for the garden…blah blah blah.”

Except he didn’t find it.

On the last day of my parent’s visit, we were sitting out
front having our morning coffee on the porch. One of the evil demon beasts
crawled across the back of my hand, and I flicked it off. The evil overlords-
scorpions, in case you’re new here- have obviously put spiders down a notch on
the list of evil for me. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. Anyway, my
mom remarked at how calm I was, and that there was a time I would have freaked
out. Then, she asked Steve if I’d ever told him the story of the spider
(above).

Yes, I did. “And to add insult to injury,” I said, “Dad took
the damned thing out and released it.”

“No, I didn’t. I never found it.”

“Wait. WHAT?!?!”

My father LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF! He didn’t find the stupid
spider, he LIED about it so I’d go back to bed! For all I know, that spider
never left! It probably still follows me around! That cold breeze over my shoulder
isn’t a draft, it’s the fucking spider waiting for me to let my guard down so
it can make its final strike! It’s probably the one who unleashed the evil
overlord scorpions on me! Does that mean the spider is actually the Emperor of
Evil who control the evil overlords? I’m just a puppet in the game of evil
world conquering arachnids!

Lies! Lies and deceptions!

Is anything real anymore?

*Ok, a brief aside here, because I honestly cannot figure out if the correct way to write this is "past my bedtime," or "passed my bedtime." Oxford is no help either. I decided to use "past" because it's a specific time- bedtime- but I'm still not convinced that it's not supposed to be "passed" in that the time for bed has gone by. I suppose I should just be glad that it will be this thought that keeps me up tonight, and not the shifting of the blankets as the Evil Emperor settles in to watch me sleep.

UPDATE: I felt like adding a post script here because I've been reading a lot of disturbing stories online from people whose Thanksgiving family get together did not go well. The current instability in our country has created a lot of problems, and my heart goes out to everyone who is struggling to understand, cope, survive, etc. I am so grateful that the biggest family drama we had was a humorous reveal of something that happened nearly 3 decades ago! I'm one of the lucky ones, and that means a lot to me. To those of you out there who have had to cut ties with family for your own mental health, I understand. I've been there, and it's hard. Unbelievably hard. Just remember, you're always welcome in the Whanau.