THE CHARACTERSColin Caine: Colonel of the Special Air Services. A take charge guy and natural voyeur.

Thomas Carlson: Colonel of the US Air Force and commander of the Churchill. You know that guy who has such an obsession for only one girl to the point where he doesn't even look at any other woman? Well here is that guy. He makes it out to be some sort of supernatural obsession and can't admit to himself that it's no more than simple arousal. Ends up impaling himself shortly after finding out he's a vampire too.

Space Girl: Vampire who spends a lot of time nude, leading Carlson telepathically on a wild goose chase while assembling her army of zombies. Gets impaled by an iron sword from behind while getting impaled by Carlson in the front, if you know what I mean..

Vampires: the Space Girl's lackeys. Got turned to hamburger shortly after they revived, but continued their work by soul-hopping from one body to another.

Dr Hans Fallada: a biochemist who is interested in life after death. Kills one of the vampires before getting possessed by the other. Ultimately gets shot by Caine.

Dr Bukovsky : doesn't really do anything in the movie. Ends up dead as an afterthought.

Sir Percy Hestlestine: Home Secretary who also does little. Ends up with a broken neck.

Dr Armstrong: Patrick Stewart! Director of the Thurlstone Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Becomes possessed by the Space Girl and confesses his love for Carlson while being doped up on a quadruple dose of morphine and pentethol before dying of violent hemorrhaging.

Ellen Donaldson: nurse at said hospital. Temporary host for the space girl. Likes it rough during questioning.

Zombies: victims of the Space Girl. Start out in a state of beef jerky for two hours before they revive and drain the nearest being they see before the cycle repeats. Later on they end up looking like regular zombies since to make them all jerky-like would put the movie over budget.

LESSONS LEARNEDAdding solar panels to British shuttles allow them to make their own gravy-- I'm sorry-- gravity.Alien spaceships are giant functional umbrellas.Nude women have weird life-draining effects on men up in space.Never trust a woman who kisses with her eyes open.Never offer a naked woman a potato chip.Naked women prefer using windows over doors.In England, the press has more respect for intelligence agencies.Iron bars are good at grating zombies.Space Shuttles recycle Mercury capsules as escape pods.Hypnosis can enable people to read licence plates from afar.British intelligence agents don't need warants.Sodium pentathol can trap roaming souls if used in large quantities.The phrase "Let me Go" can be enunciated in at least thirteen different ways.Flare pistols are great weapons against zombies when nothing else is available.Given a choice, space vampires tend to dress like 80s new wave band members.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR0:02:30 Not even five minutes into the movie and already we're waist-deep in innuendo.0:11:09 RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT doesn't do this movie justice, Might I suggest we go straight to FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!!0:17:38 If we already established FFN, why do we need that strategically placed cable there?0:21:00 RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!!! (see, we can still use it.)0:26:00 FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!!0:38:15 If MST3K did this movie they would likely say "Jim Henson's Eric Idle Babies."0:42:23 For once I wish there wasn't FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!!0:47:38 RANDOM ACT OF SENSELESS VIOLENCE AGAINST A CONTROL PANEL! 0:53:45 is there such a thing as a wet nightmare?0:59:30 ... and if that's the case is there such a thing as a wet hypnosis session?1:15:30 This is why I wasn't surprised when Patrick Stewart came out.1:19:33 I think the word should be 'exponentially', but that may be because I'm American.1:22:00 Proof that Clive Barker must have seen this movie before he made Hellraiser1:26:30 RANDOM ACT OF SENSELESS VIOLENCE AGAINST A BUILDING!1:27:30 The Prime Minister seems to be acting like a typical politician; don't you agree, Ms Haversham?1:34:33 What do you mean by "in a sense?"1:47:10 Well, he got the stop and drop part, but he needs work on the roll.1:51:33 RANDOM ACT OF SENSELESS VIOLENCE AGAINST THE CATHEDRAL! 1:52:15 Again, if MST3K did this movie, they would likely yell out "WHO THE HELL TOOK MY FINGER OFF?!!"

excavation team member: "Churchill, if you read, there are two nude males and one female."Churchill: "This is Churchill. We have no picture. Come in, Tom."

Fallada: "Don't worry, a naked girl is not going to get out of this complex."

Carlson: "You're draining me... You're taking too much of me..."

Caine: "I'm Colonel Caine."Bokovsky: "From the S.A.S?"Caine: "Gentlemen, that last remark is not for publication. This is a D-notice situation."

Caine: Colonel, "Start from the beginning. Assume we know nothing, which is understating the matter."

Carlson: "She's resisting. I'll have to force her to tell me. Despite appearances, this woman is a masochist. An extreme masochist. She wants me to force the name out of her. She wants me to hurt her. I can see the images in her mind. Do you want to stay? Otherwise, wait outside!"Caine: "Not at all. I am a natural voyeur."

Vampire: "It will be much less terrifying if you just come to me."Caine: "I'll do just that."

THE PLOT

In high school, I had a friend who told me about this movie. He saw it on Cinemax one night and it became one of his favorites. He was telling me how it showed everything and how corny the sex scenes were, especially where the main lead was groaning "You're taking too much of me." while in the middle of the sex scene. Since then, the phrase "You're taking too much of me" has been echo up and down the school halls for about a month.

The film begins with an expedition to Haley's Comet by a joint British-American Space crew. They are piloting a Space Shuttle with the Nerva engine, a device that allows fast travel and artificial gravity (and all they did was add an array of solar panels.) near the comet they discover a derelict spacecraft some 150 miles long, but conveniently cannot convey the info back to Earth. So they send a crew to observe the craft and discover three nude people in it. So naturally they bring the three back to the ship and head home.

Cut to thirty days later when mission control discovered that the shuttle has been destroyed by fire and the three bodies are still intact. Not putting cause and effect together, they bring the bodies down to earth for observation. At this point, one of the guards gets his soul sucked out by the female being, having been asleep at the time and becomes a dried up husk collapsing to the floor. The girl walks out of the building encountering little resistance. As the space chick escapes, the scientists quickly discover that the remaining corpses come back to life after two hours and feed on the life force of other humans. who in turn become zombies themselves. They need a human soul transfer every two hours or they turn to an extremely brittle shell.

Right when they're discovering the nature of the zombies, the U.S. recovers one of the astronauts and ship him to UK to answer questions. Under hypnosis, they track down the space girl to a criminal institution where they sedate the director (of the institution, not the movie) knowing that the space girl has possessed him. As they get back, they discover that the town of London is in total chaos in typical zombie movie fashion.

Carlson escapes quarantine and makes his way back to the cathedral, leaving Caine to go look for him. Along the way, Caine stops at the space building to discover Fallada has killed one of the vampires. Grabbing the iron sword that killed it, Caine makes his way to the cathedral killing the other vampire along the way. Inside he finds Carlson and the Space Girl doing having sex while the disjointed souls of London float upwards to the spaceship parked in orbit over their heads. Caine throws the sword to Carlson who immediately plunges it through both of them. I keep thinking that if Romeo and Juliet were vampires, this is how they would end their lives. Instead of dying, they immediately beam up to the spaceship which turns around and heads back to the comet. Roll credits.

Not as bad as many poeple think. Alright, it has zero atmosphere, Steve Railsback is wooden and I doubt the plot makes any sense. But it has space travel! And nudity! And a Martin Quatermass-esque plot (which doesn't make much sense. Oh, wait).

And last but not least, Patrick Stewart being kissed and called a b***h by the male lead.

That's the stuff guilty pleasures are made of.

That's a pretty good review, but I suggest you highlight the Patrick Stewart scene somewhere. It may even make a good video, if you can't think of any other scene.

Logged

Due to the horrifying nature of this film, no one will be admitted to the theatre.