Thursday, November 12, 2009

On my list

I have a list. Many lists actually. Things I want to do and be. Goals and dreams and ambitions. Some things are fairly simple, daily little tasks that I'm trying to make a habit, like flossing every night. (I had six cavities fixed in the last two weeks and decided I better make that a better habit.) Other things are a little harder, and some days seem a downright impossible to me. It seems as thought I always have so many things I wish I could do... and not just do, I want to do them flawlessly. I want to take beautiful pictures or create the most delicious meal for my family. I want to craft and create and make things that look like they took hours....but didn't. I want to be a designer and make wonderful creations. I want to run a business out of my home incorporating all the talents I wish I had. I want to do it all! haha And there in lies my problem.

I've been editing wedding photos for the last month. That's right month. My cousin got married in October and asked me to take pictures at her wedding. I borrowed my moms nice DSLR camera and snapped my little heart out. I was so excited! My enthusiasm quickly faded though when I uploaded the pictures to my computer and saw the results. They needed work.... a LOT of work. Poor lighting and the gym floor had put an ugly yellowish tint over everything. I didn't know anything about white balance or have an external flash handy. Heck, I didn't even have my own camera! Thankfully, I know a little about photo editing. But still, I expected myself to create these amazingly beautiful portraits on my very first try. Realistic....probably not.

This is where my mind drifted earlier today as I sat on the couch, face half swollen from a before-mentioned dentist visit thinking about all the things I wanted to do and be. And feeling a little discouraged about how I was ever going to do any of it. My 20mos old daughter was playing in the living room... or rather destroying the living room. A whirlwind of toys covered our floor in a chaos only a toddler can create. I hadn't been sitting there thinking THAT long had I? Some how she navigated her way over to me with a basket of books asked me to read to her. And so we read. My numb tongue stumbled and sloshed my words around a little, but I don't think she cared. Somewhere halfway through the 3rd book Jack Johnson's "Better Together" came on my iPod mix. "How fitting," I thought as we read each and every book in her basket. As she climbed back down and the melody of Ben Folds' "The Luckiest" sang through the speakers and my epiphany hit me.

I may not be good at everything I want to be right now, and quite frankly, I don't need to be. But I don't want to risk missing the chance to be good at the things that I can do right now. I may not serve exquisite meals for my family each night, but I am able to cook and serve meals my family can enjoy together every evening. I may not be able to take breathtaking portraits or cute digital scrapbook kits. But I can make memories with my little girl and I can record those memories for us to share again later. I may not be good at everything on my list, but I can keep trying and enjoy the opportunities I have to even try. I guess I just need to be reminded of that every now and then and just work on being the best I can be right now. The rest will come with practice.