Wil Heuser, a 24-year-old golden Adonis beauty from Louisville, KY who will temporarily blind the other house guests on the new season of Big Brother US by blowing flecks of gold dust in their eyes when he whips his luxurious mane back and forth. When Big Brother (or as most of you call it, “How is that shit still on?!” starts again next week, the house guests will all learn the answer to the question “Do unicorn fairy stallions exist in real life?” when Wil gallops to the front of the house with a cloud of bronze glitter floating behind him. There you were thinking that masculine beauty like this only exists in Greek myths, on top of a go go box at a gay bar circa 1992 or in an International Male catalog.

Wil is a “marketing consulting,” but that’s obviously just a modest and professional way of saying that he’s bright shining star, because Wil was on American Idol 8 for a quick second, has a pop single called “Glitter on the Dancefloor” and has his own YouTube channel where he parodies another national jewel: Tan Mom. Wil talked to Zap2it a couple of days ago and during that interview he let it be known that lady nipples will never feel the magical tingling sensation of his glorious hair cape brushing against them, because he’s strictly dickly. I know, that shocking news probably made you jump out of your vagina. Once you get back into your vagina, feast your eyes and other parts on this:

It’s like if DanRad and Jennifer Aniston made a baby together and that baby later fulfilled his lifelong dream of becoming a Fabio impersonator. Or it’s like if Legolas from Lord of the Rings bought all of Gerardo’s old clothes in a yard sale and became a gay pop star. Perfection. I really hope that the BB live feed is nothing but Wil brushing his hair over and over again.

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