12.22.2015

Dumbass Song Lyrics: “Run Run Rudolph”

"Run Run Rudolph" was a song released in 1958 by Chuck Berry and written by Johnny Marks and Marvin Brodie. It’s a Christmas classic, but contains arguably some of the most ridiculous and puzzling lyrics in a holiday song. First the song starts with the line “Out of all the reindeers you know you're the mastermind.” Yes, Rudolph is probably the closest to a “mastermind” out of the other reindeer, but that’s not saying much considering Santa is the one making the decisions. Saying “out of all the reindeer, you’re the mastermind” is like saying “out of all the transvestites, you look the most like a woman.” Is it a compliment? Sure. Is it saying a lot? No.

The next line goes “Run, run Rudolph, Randalph ain't too far behind.” Who in god’s name is Randalph? Seriously. Are we just going to gloss over this mystery? You’d assume Randalph is one of the other reindeer, but the other reindeer are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. I don’t see a Randalph in there. Could Randalph be Rudolph’s mentally handicapped cousin who doesn’t really get entrusted with any responsibilities? If that’s the case then I’m sure he is rather far behind.

Then we’ve got another line that goes: “Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down.” The freeway? This is where most of the confusion of this song comes in. The song is called “Run Run Rudolph” when we all know that reindeer FLY. That’s the main attraction and the reason Santa uses them. They can fly magically through the sky at supersonic speeds. Real life reindeer run, but Santa’s reindeer don’t have to so I don’t know where this “Run run Rudolph” shit is coming from. Also, I don’t know why a freeway would be considered an option. Traffic isn’t that bad on Christmas Eve because everyone’s at home, but that’s a very inefficient method of transportation if you’re Santa. And “Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down”? So Santa is going to tell Rudolph to take the freeway? Does this imply they’re already in a car driving on surface roads? If Rudolph is driving (not sure how that’s physically possible) Santa has to tell him to take the freeway? So much for that “mastermind” business. Also, they’re trying to “make it to town” but what town? They have to get to EVERY town. They need to drive to every street and then take the freeway to other states. Let’s not act like there’s just ONE town that Santa visits each year.

Then lastly, the lyrics go: “Said Santa to a boy child ‘What have you been longing for?’ ‘All I want for Christmas is a Rock and Roll electric guitar’ And then away went Rudolph a whizzing like a shooting star.” What kind of nonsense is this? Santa has a last minute gift bringing service all of a sudden? See I thought you ask Santa weeks in advance, but according to this song you can just wait til Christmas Eve and Santa has an Amazon Prime type service where Rudolph flies at approximately 160,000 MPH back to the North Pole to retrieve a single present for one child. So the songwriter eventually acknowledges that Rudolph can travel at the speed of a shooting star which negates the significance of all the previous lyrics including the title of the song as well as the need for Rudolph to hurry to town. Clearly he’s doing alright for himself if he’s achieving a level of velocity befitting a meteor entering Earth’s atmosphere.

According to this song, it seems like Rudolph could just cut out the middle man and take over Christmas duties entirely.