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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A little more than four weeks ago I was employed, in a job that I once enjoyed but had become miserable, yet I counted my blessings for having that safety and security. Now, after being laid off and recently surviving a break-in at my house you would think I was craving that sense of comfort that the job held. But I don’t. There hasn’t been one day where I wished I was back at my desk, trying so hard to fit in and tone down my personality, my ideas and my creativity. In an organization that had become so focused on compliance, following the rules, and not questioning authority I had become the rogue employee who startled people just with my laughter in the hallways, or my suggestions and ideas.

Two months before my last day at work, and without a crystal ball foreseeing my imminent future, I started writing again. It was a poring out of my emotions and frustrations, and I managed to accumulate almost two months of soul searching before I was shown the door, along with my ten boxes of files and binders that represented ten years of long, hard work. I’ve continued with the daily writing, but the soul searching is less frequent and I feel as though a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders, which it has. I now realize that I was not living a life that was aligned with my beliefs and goals. Unemployment and an uncertain financial future actually seems easier to manage than working in a toxic environment.

That job almost broke me: emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Not in the first several years, when I was challenged, appreciated and happy, but in the last year and a half. There were days in which I felt like I was fighting for my very soul, and in hindsight I was. I’m not sure what the next chapter of my life holds for me, but I’m back on the blogging bandwagon and ready to share some of my thoughts and feelings.