Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 78% of Americans say politicians use the “race card” to get elected. The rest are just happy to get by telling lies about their opponents, using illegal campaign funds and stealing votes.

New technology will soon allow hotels to eliminate human interaction during check-in. As opposed to now, when the only way for guests to avoid human interaction at a hotel is when they want maid service.

New technology will allow machines to be able to make emotional responses. Which means pretty soon not only will we have driverless cars on the road, but they will be able to flip off anyone that cuts them off.

A 1950 sculpture is expected to be auctioned off for as much as $100 Million. Although some people think the art work is overvalued because the sculptor had a reputation as a real chiseler.

A Halloween cruise ship is back in port after hitting something at sea that caused it to lose power. Apparently the problem happened when the person commanding the boat turned out to just be a passenger who for Halloween dressed up like a ship’s captain.

A Celebration Halloween cruise ship is back in port after hitting something at sea that caused it to lose power. Apparently the ship decided for Halloween to go as a Carnival cruise ship.

The UK will start testing middle aged patients for dementia. Apparently authorities want to find out if it is just neglect or Alzheimer’s Disease that is causing an entire nation to forget to brush their teeth.

Norway has been ranked as the world’s most prosperous country. Mostly because they were the only country with enough money lying around to pay for the study.

A report says the percentage of first time home buyers is at a 27 year low. Mostly because the people buying homes today have already been through two or three foreclosures by now.

MasterCard is testing technology that will allow a person’s heartbeat to verify payments. The only problem is when their customers’ hearts stop when they see their monthly credit card bill.

Hyundai and Kia have reached a $100 Million settlement over exaggerating their cars’ fuel economy. Although the automakers still claim they saved people money who got to hitchhike for free every time their cars ran out of gas.

Google says its search data suggests there will be no voter surge at the polls. At least not unless there is an election that features a cat playing the piano running against a hamster eating a cracker.

A man was killed at a New Jersey construction site after being hit on the head by a tape measure that was dropped 50 floors. Although it is now known that 50 stories is exactly 541 feet, 4 inches.

Tom Magliozzi, co-host of NPR’s “Car Talk” has died at age 77. Or as GM would say, he has been recalled.

Homeland Security says it will tighten airport screenings for travelers from foreign countries. At least that’s what everyone assumes since they tripled their usual order for latex gloves and KY jelly.

A magnetic levitation train is in the planning stages that could make the trip from New York City to Washington, D.C. in an hour. Or what it would be in a car if there wasn’t a permanent traffic jam on every highway between the two cities.

Carnival Cruise Lines says it will offer faster Wi-Fi Internet connections on its ships. Apparently their passengers are interested in the idea of not having as long as a delay in posting on Facebook any SOS messages and copies of their last will and testament.

Ferrari has been fined $3.5 Million for failing to report fatal crashes involving their cars. To which the company says there wouldn’t be any fatal crashes with their cars if all the other vehicles not going 200 mph would just get out of the way.

Several startups are reportedly tackling the poverty problem in Washington, D.C. So far they are trying to give aid to the few poor members of Congress who still are refusing to take any bribes, kickbacks and lobbyist payoffs.

A study says that almost half of the moms in the country are the primary household wage earners. Mostly because they don’t want to be stay at home moms and work twice as hard for no pay.

A study says that almost half of the moms in the country are the primary household wage earners. It’s getting so bad that even Hillary Clinton is trying to go back to work to try to bring in some extra money starting in 2016.

A survey says that only a quarter of all banks are offering subprime loans for cars. The other three quarters are still under investigation for the subprime loans they offered in 2007 that crashed the housing market.

A study says that 400 Million birds have vanished from Europe since 1980. Apparently global warming has pretty much taken away any reason for them to fly back north during the summer months.

A study says that 400 Million birds have vanished from Europe since 1980, including sparrows, starlings and skylarks. Apparently some people in Scotland will do anything to avoid having to eat the traditional Sunday Haggis.

Bank of America’s Internet banking service went offline Monday. Which could have affected as many as three of their customers who still actually have any money left in their accounts.

The Gates Foundation is promoting financial services for the poor. Apparently Bill Gates wants to help out any of his colleagues who are in such bad financial shape they can only afford a yacht that is less than fifty feet long.

The Gates Foundation is promoting financial services for the poor. Which is ironic in that it was financial services like banks, mortgage lenders and stock brokers who made most people poor in the first place.

Yum has promoted David Gibbs to Global CEO of Pizza Hut. Or as they call that in the pizza business, the ultimate topping.

A U.N. panel has issued its starkest warning yet about global warming. Mostly because no one is listening to them on any other issues like the Middle East Crisis, world hunger and Ebola.

A poll says that 71% of Americans are backing mandatory quarantines for Ebola workers. The other 29% didn’t feel well enough to take the survey because they were coughing uncontrollably with a 104 degree fever while hemorrhaging from their eyeballs.

A company has developed a mouth guard that can help identify when a player has a concussion. Apparently the mouth guard detects when someone says the wrong thing to Ray Rice.

The Gates Foundation is increasing its aid to end Malaria, which Bill Gates says he would like to see eradicated in his lifetime. If he can get rid of the deadly disease, it may finally be time for him to use his billions to finally do something about that haircut.

A study says there is room for improvement with the care and treatment of ADHD. The only problem is that none of the researchers has been able to sit still long enough to actually read the report.

A bride in Scotland with a medical condition that causes her joints to become dislocated was able to walk down the aisle. The only bad part was that when her fiancee popped the question she popped a shoulder.

Google has revamped its flu tracking system which overestimated the number of cases of the flu in recent years. The worst part is Google says apparently it made a mistake and erroneously reported thousands of cases of the flu which were actually Ebola.

Google has revamped its flu tracking system which overestimated the number of cases of the flu in recent years. Although it has done a lot better identifying the number of cases of obesity by tracking all the people who are doing Google searches all day.

A study says that air pollution in smokers’ homes can reach the outdoor levels of the worst cities. Which means all they need to do is order Chinese takeout and build a wall through their living room to give guests the experience of what it is like to visit Beijing.

Taylor Swift’s album “1989” is set to smash some all time marks for record sales. Which is ironic in that most people who were born in 1989 or later have no idea what a record even is.

Taylor Swift’s album “1989” is set to smash some all time marks for record sales. As opposed to most people’s reaction to hearing Justin Bieber songs that make they want to smash the records.

Savannah Guthrie has returned to “Today” following maternity leave, saying she is “more patient, kinder and gentler.” Meaning being a new mom and taking care of an infant that needs constant nurturing has given her new insight as to how to get along with the other anchors.

Katherine Heigl did a Facebook Q&A and addressed reports that she is rude. Which went well until she started screaming at fans who had to break away from the session to post pictures of what they ate for breakfast.

Tom Hanks will publish a book of short stories about his collection of typewriters. Who says Hollywood stars have lost the glamorous lifestyles they lived in the past?

Tom Hanks will publish a book of short stories about his collection of typewriters. The only problem is that if it is turned into a movie he won’t want to star in the film for fear of being typecast.

Tom Hanks will publish a book of short stories about his collection of typewriters. Although the title might confuse some people into thinking it is a mystery featuring a team of detectives as he is calling it “Hunt and Peck.”

Kobe Bryant says that teammate Jeremy Lin needs to “mark his territory.” Which may explain why some of the other Lakers have been detecting the scent of urine on some of their personal items they left in their lockers.

Washington Redskins coach Jay Gruden says the “jury is still out” on RG3 for quarterback. As opposed to when the coach of the Cincinnati Bengals says the jury is still out on one of his players and means that an actual jury is still deciding their case.

New Chicago Cubs manager Joe Maddon is already talking about the playoffs with the Cubs. Apparently he is still undecided if he will spend the playoff season vacationing in Hawaii or traveling through Europe.

Musicologists have used science to determine the catchiest song ever is the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe.” Although the team refused to include “It’s A Small World” in the competition because it took them 20 years to get it out of their heads the first time they heard it.

Musicologists have used science to determine the catchiest song ever is the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe.” It won because it was such an earworm that it actually got people to watch and listen to the Spice Girls.

A study says that listening to sad music can make people happier. The music that makes people the saddest is when they see that their kids have spent $20 of their iTunes account downloading the latest Justin Bieber songs.

A study says that listening to sad music can make people happier. The music that makes people the saddest is when their Harvard bound children sing the university’s alma mater and reminds them how long it will take to pay off their student loans.

An Apple 1 computer sold out of Steve Jobs’ garage will be auctioned for an estimated $400,000-600,000. Mostly because there are people who will pay that much just to find a computer that isn’t operated by Windows 8.

Tennis player Caroline Wozniacki ran in the New York City Marathon, finishing in under three and a half hours. It was just shy of the pace set by Rory McIlroy on his way back to Northern Ireland when he called off their engagement.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is election day, which means we should all get out and vote. If enough of us go to the polls, we can actually offset some of the people who keep sending back the same morons to Congress each time. If nothing else, you can always cast your ballot to send the love!