(*) "Remember this, foolish mortals, when ye stare headlong,
into the mind-paralyzing void, the inky black nothingness
of existence, the hellish yawning maw of the abyss -- it's
pretty damn dark, so give it a few minutes for your eyes to adjust." --Frank M. Carrano

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two
things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The
other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you
should save it for someone you love." --Butch Hancock

"When two people are under the influence
of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of
passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that
excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do
them part." --George Bernard Shaw

"A woman has a close male friend. This
means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs
around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts
out with, 'You're a great guy, but I don't like you in that
way.' This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to
a job interview and the company saying, 'You have a great resume, you
have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to
hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for
comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to
hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an
alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody
else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire
you. But we will call you from time to time to complain
about the person that we hired.'" --Unknown

"If C gives you enough rope to hang
yourself, C++ gives you enough rope to bind and gag the neighborhood,
rig the sails on a small ship, and still have enough rope to hang
yourself from the yardarm" --The UNIX-Hater's Handbook

"Programming today is a race between
software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof
programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning." --Rick Cook, The Wizardry
Compiled

(*) "I saw her from across
the room and knew I had to meet her, not because of her ample bosom, or
her full lips, or her beautiful creamy skin, or the way her hair was
twisted into a nice tight bun, or the buttoned-up blouse that begged to
be torn off her body, or the skirt that was perhaps a size too small,
but because she was my kid's teacher and I was here for the
parent-teacher conference." --Lori Yates

(*) "Despite the vast
differences in their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the
sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he
had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend
they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo
that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild
that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso
machine." --Dennis Barry

"A spectacular variant of
bogo-sort has been proposed which has the interesting property that, if
the Many Worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics is true, it can
sort an arbitrarily large array in linear time. (In the Many-Worlds
model, the result of any quantum action is to split the universe-before
into a sheaf of universes-after, one for each possible way the state
vector can collapse; in any one of the universes-after the result
appears random.) The steps are: 1. Permute the array randomly using a
quantum process, 2. If the array is not sorted, destroy the universe
(checking that the list is sorted requires O(n) time). Implementation
of step 2 [destroying the universe] is left as an exercise for the
reader." --The Jargon File

"According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators." --Unknown

(*) "Twas brillig, and the toves were not just slithy, they were stinking drunk." --Richard A. Polunsky

When putting a smiley right before a closing parenthesis, do you:

Use two parentheses: (Like this: :) )
Use one parenthesis: (Like this: :)
Reverse direction of the smiley: (Like this: (: )
Use angle/square brackets instead of parentheses
Use C-style commenting to set the smiley off from the closing parenthesis
Make the smiley a dunce: (:>
I disapprove of emoticons
Other