Flashback: Revisiting The Post “Why I Like Being Called A Slut In Bed”

In one week, I’m celebrating a BIG birthday: 30! In acknowledgment of the fact that I’ve spent over half of my 20s working at The Frisky, I’m going to reach down deep into to archives and revisit some old posts. I’ll examine what I wrote at the time and how that has or hasn’t changed. If you have any suggestions of old posts you’d like me to revisit, tell me in the comments or shoot me an email at Jessica@TheFrisky.com. First up …

Could it be that some women are so used to the disrespectful, belittling connotations of “slut” outside of the bedroom that it’s unpalatable for them to hear it inside the bedroom? Is it impossible for some women to take words that would sting if used in real life and turn them upside down in fantasy play? Why, then, am I OK with it? Knowing what’s wrong/forbidden/outre ultimately makes me more attracted to it and in turn, it turns me on. Sometimes I wonder if the more taboo something is, the more sexual it becomes to me.

What Was Going On In My Life At The Time: In February of 2011, I had just recently been dumped by Ex-Mr. Jessica and was flailing around in the upheaval. I got my heart broken badly — mostly by the crappy way he dumped me — but even in my heartbreak I could see why there were guys out there better suited to me than Ex-Mr. J. Sexual compatibility had been a frustration that I’d been all too willing to ignore. I loved him, but he didn’t “get” me sexually. For this reason, I’m not sure we ever had a soul connection. This is something I came to terms with after the breakup: I needed to be dating strong, sexually dominant men who are feminists outside the bedroom for but have a taste for BDSM in it. For years during my 20s, though, I felt ashamed by the incongruence of my submissive sexual desires/spanking paraphilia and my intellectual feminist beliefs. Sensitive to how judgmental feminists can be about D/s dynamics, I had a lot of issues for being wired this way.

What Makes Me Cringe Now: I didn’t do the best job analyzing the complexities of the issues; instead, I just wrote a defense of what I like. At the time, a lot of my writing on issues of kink and sexuality took a defensive pose.In retrospect, I wish I’d explained the nuances of how being called a “slut” in bed is different from being slut-shamed outside the bedroom by patriarchal individuals and institutions who seek to control women’s sexuality. I made a reference to being “politically correct … outside the bedroom” but didn’t address the issue much further.

I also regret not drawing in a racial analysis to the word “slut.” I was perhaps understating the complexities of the word when I wrote, “‘Slut’ is one of those female-centric words — like ‘bitch,’ like ‘feminist’ — that can mean so many things that it almost means nothing anymore.” I can enjoy being called nasty names in bed and even feel empowered from embracing my sexuality by enjoying them. But nasty names simply are not used the same against all women. Back when I wrote this essay, I was aware of, but not particularly concerned with, how the slut-shaming and the use of the word “slut” can affect women of color differently than they can white women like myself. That was wrong of me to not be concerned about the intersectional issues at play there and center it as mostly a dirty talk issue. I suppose I was too preoccupied with being defensive about my own shit to acknowledge that.

What I Still Agree With: I still enjoy dirty talk and my reasons for liking it, including the word” slut,” are still the same. That’s just how I’m wired. My brain is still my biggest sex organ. The good news is that over three years later, my submissive sexuality doesn’t cause quite so much shame. I don’t particularly feel defensive about it at all. One thing that I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE about growing older, including turning 30, is the peace that comes with self-acceptance.

How The Post Would Be Different If I Wrote It Today: I wrote that post as a newly single lady chomping-at-the-bit-and-hooking-up with men she met on on OKCupid and when “slut”/dirty talk came up with every new romantic partner. Five months ago, I married one of men from OKCupid (YES, FOR REAL, IT ACTUALLY DOES HAPPEN) and so this just isn’t an issue I’d addressed or defended to someone in a very long time.

If I were to write about being called the word “slut” in bed today, I would focus on how dirty talk factors into a committed relationship and whether or not it affects other areas of our lives. But the God’s honest truth is that I probably would not write it at all. With five years of sex and relationship writing under my belt, I value keeping the details my sex life more private.

Do you have a suggestion for a post I should address in Flashback? Send it to me at Jessica@TheFrisky.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Leolah Brown, sister to Bobby Brown and aunt to Bobbi Kristina was kicked out of her niece’s funeral yesterday after verbally lashing at Pat Houston Bobbi Kristina’s former manager as well as sister-in-law to Bobbi Kristina’s mother Whitney Houston. Phew. That was a mouthful.