Bitch is the Blurred Lines

by Mel

Because I am slower than everyone else since I intake my pop culture via People magazine vs. actually living it, I only discovered the song “Blurred Lines” while at BlogHer when we heard it blasting from a cab and Kathy told me the name of the song. I recognized it because my spin teacher had played it the two times I had gone to spin class, though I had been cycling and sweating and not listening to the lyrics enough to pick up on anything other than the bassline.

When I got home from the conference, I had a free mp3 download on Amazon, and I decided to buy it because it sounded like the sort of fun song that should go on my safe-for-kids mix I make every year for the car with top-40 songs by Taylor Swift and the Black Eyed Peas. If “Blurred Lines” was the hot song of summer, I definitely wanted it for my mix so I could pretend that I was hip and with it.

So I downloaded it. And then I listened to it. And then I looked at Josh and said, “I don’t know how I feel about this.” Which is really just a polite way of saying, “this song makes me ten kinds of uncomfortable.”

[A side note: I obviously should have looked at the lyrics before using my free download.]

And then I saw the video, where naked women dance and pout around fully dressed men.

Did I say ten kinds of uncomfortable? Try over 1000.

What do we need steam for You the hottest bitch in this place

I’ve never been one to shy away from the word “bitch,” though I guess a lot of that tends to do with subtext. Most of the time, if I’m using the term “bitch,” I am using it as an angry word; the female equivalent to using the term “dick” or “asshole” to describe a man. I’m an equal opportunity curse word user, but your behaviour has to be beyond obnoxious for me to whip it out of my verbal toolbox.

When I call a friend a bitch, I am still using it in the negative sense and saying it sarcastically. Back in 2008, I called it a lovingly-spoken obscenity. I use it facetiously to point out just how close we are.

I like being called obscenities lovingly. It creates a strange, reverse coding. We’re taught not to say these words around people we don’t know well, but then we use them precisely to create an intimacy that we are comfortable enough with each other to tease. I’m, of course, talking about saying them in a loving way, like “hey, Bitch, when are you going to haul open the doors of the Lushary because I need a drink” and not, “Melissa, you are a complete bitch.”

I know there are some people who believe we should never use the term bitch. I’m obviously not one of those people. I think that in the right hands and with the right context, the word can be repurposed; reclaimed and reowned.

Of course, it order to repurpose it, you can’t be objectifying women at the same time. And it’s really really hard to use that term as a compliment. I’ve yet to find a man who has succeeded, including Robin Thicke.

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you But you’re an animal, baby, it’s in your nature Just let me liberate you

My one exception is that I don’t like to use the word “bitch” in place of terms such as “assertive” or “bold.” If I’m standing up for myself, I don’t say that I acted bitchy. If I’m proud of the way I asserted my ideas, I don’t say that I did so like a bitch.

Why would I ever want to demean such positive behaviours?

Bitch is a curse word, it’s a negative term. I never want to apply it to traits I believe all women should possess. If women want to use it as a compliment for another woman speaking up, more power to them. But I can’t really participate in that manner because I would hate for the receiver or a nearby listener to misunderstand and think that I’m attributing negative feelings towards their actions.

Then, honey you’re not there when I’m With my foresight bitch you pay me by Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you He don’t smack that ass and pull your hair like that

If I had a penis, bitch would be a word I’d avoid using since the word historically has been used to hold a woman in her place, not empower her. When you’re part of the group that has used the term in a negative sense to hold back women from being assertive, it is very difficult — if not impossible — to turn it around and use it as a compliment.

Oh sure, men can say they’re helping women feel empowered and reclaim the word, but what does that mean when it’s being spoken by a man who is objectifying another human being as it often seems to be used in music?

When Robin Thicke says it, it sounds creepy. I’m going to guess that this fictional woman isn’t giving him blurred lines; she is probably giving him a clear message and he’s choosing to ignore it.

An on-going theme in bitch culture.

Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain’t bad as you So hit me up when you passing through I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two

I am trying to teach my daughter to be assertive. To turn down other people’s requests that she doesn’t feel comfortable following. To not be so nice that she leaves nothing for herself. I want to teach her to be flexible and open, but to also know her boundaries and not allow others to cross them. I want her to be self-sufficient, to love herself, to never take something (or someone) she doesn’t want. If any of those things make her appear bitchy to a man who is so weak in his own abilities in these arenas that he needs to put down a woman in order to feel good about himself, then that is on the man.

I never want her to associate any of those behaviours as anything but positive. She should never feel shame or feel as if she needs to pack away her self-knowledge. I would hate for her to associate pride in herself with a curse word. If she does, she may not stick up for herself. And I want her to have standards, to not settle.

And that’s why I’m gon’ take a good girl I know you want it I know you want it I know you want it You’re a good girl

You know you want it is something we say when we can clearly see that a person doesn’t want it and therefore needs convincing. Sort of like how I convince Truman that he wants to take a bath, or how I tell the kids that they want to get their homework done early so they can have the rest of the day to play. Well, no, I want Truman to take a bath; I want the homework off the plate so I don’t have to help with it when I’m trying to do something else.

I hope my kids learn how to separate out their own feelings when they start getting muddied and mix with another person’s wants and needs. It is hard to sit quietly with yourself and really ascertain whether you do or don’t want something, especially when people start telling you that “you know you want to.” It’s too easy to follow the people around you or give in to someone else’s nudging.

And girls NEED to be nudge-proofed. Women are nudged so hard by society and individuals, that if I do nothing else, I need to teach my daughter how to say the word “no” loud and clear. Not to use it indiscriminately to get out of doing her part as a society member, but to learn how to not put her own wants and needs last. To turn down advances that make her uncomfortable or that simply don’t hold her interest.

If you need to convince someone that they want it, they probably don’t really want it. This song feels less like seduction and more like manipulative force.

I hate these blurred lines

Me too, Robin Thicke. I hate it when men interchange the term “assertive woman” with “bitch” and set it to a catchy beat. Talk about blurred lines.

The New York Times review of the song wrote: “He has the look of a man finally coming into the privilege he was sure was his all along.”

Exactly.

I removed it from the mix and substituted in the Doubleclick’s “Nothing to Prove.” Maybe it’s not as catchy, and I probably won’t trick anyone into thinking I’m cool. But at least I can listen to it without feeling as if I’m participating in something meant to demean me regardless of how hard a person may try to defend it.

Apparently, I am also the shaky-hands old lady who presses buttons willy-nilly and posts comments when she is NOT finished.

Anyways.

Back to music. Today’s music. I really do not like it when women sing about “them hos”. And bitches. And such. I do not like it when men do it either, but I am even more bothered by female singers saying that. This is not reclaiming any words, we did not lose those words, we need those words to be as they are, dirty and derogative, so that we can keep using the concepts we know they refer to and observe the social and linguistic conventions. I know language is flexible, and perpetually moving (take “fairy”, for example), but still. I am old and do not like change. If you will, children, I am an old bitch. Now, get OFF my lawn. Blurred lines, my foot…

Next year, this song will be forgotten, but the damage to the collective psyche not. If these dirty words are repeated too much and too often, they erode the public ear, they become trivial and lose their harshness, but they also are used in wider contexts and when children and teenagers use them, thinking they are cool and grown up, they do not know the implications and thus help change the meaning. Pretty much like swearing in a foreign language, it is not that personal, even if one is fluent in that foreign language. I am still of the opinion that this is not good, because it mostly points out gaps in education.

I do swear, and am not a prude. But I agree with you that “bitch” is hardly an empowering word. And I so wish young singers would not use these words, they may not wish to be role models, they may not have asked to be, yet they are looked up at by children, and they should act accordingly, at least from time to time.

I sound like that lady absurdly fighting against dirty lyrics (whatshername?!, you know who), and let me say that I do not to ban Eminem, on the contrary, I’ve got his albums on my playlist. But I do not listen to him when children are around. Explicit lyrics is a good label. Off to bother someone else now, thank you for your time. 🙂

This is such an interesting meditation on the word. I think my general objection to the word “bitch” is summed up best by the New York Times quote you include at the end of the piece: “coming into the privilege he was sure was his all along”. To me, there’s a sort of patriarchal overtone to the word that I’ve never liked. I do use the term occasionally, and I’ve definitely seen it used well/appropriately, so I don’t object to the term in some contexts, but I agree that it’s probably not something men should be throwing around just because of the history there. It’s like using particular terms coming from the outside of an ethnic group – where those terms often have a very ugly history – versus using them within an ethnic group as a form of, as you put it “loving obscenity”.

That being said, I’m personally not big on being called “bitch” even lovingly. Mostly because when I’ve had the term directed at me, it’s in a somewhat pejorative sense, usually to call me out for being assertive or stubborn or refusing to do something for someone else. So the association is generally somewhat negative for me, and even when someone means it as a compliment, it’s not my preferred word. I also can’t shake the fact that “bitch” is the term for a female dog – and that calling me “bitch”, especially when it’s used pejoratively is a way of associating me with dogs, making me less than human, less than a person as a way of dismissing me or my opinions and needs.

Honestly, even without the overt sexism contained in the song and the possible rape culture-ness of it, it’s just a really crappy song. The lyrics are dumb and the bass line/music is turned up so high it seems as though they are willfully trying to drown out the god awful lyrics. If wanting music to matter lyrically makes me a fuddy duddy so be it.

I find Robin Thicke kind of smarmy anyway and this song pisses me off. Thankfully, Jazz.ercise took a stand against it and refused to choreograph a routine to it because of the lyrics. At least it’s one song with a questionable message that I don’t have to worry about vetting for myself!

What is sad about this “type” of song, is that it has a catchy beat and there is always someone who is going to play for their children because they believe the child isn’t paying attention to the lyrics, which would be false. I remember being appalled to hear a 10 year old niece sing about “whips and chains” exciting her while singing a Rhihanna song that was “her favorite.” I wanted to scream.

“Teaching her to not be so nice she leaves nothing for herself.” – I adore this!!! I want to put it on a t-shirt AND a coffe mug. I might make it a mantra, for which I will credit you!

Also, thank you for putting into words the reason I don’t seem to know any pop culture music and mostly run to country music. Easier to be sad someone lost their truck instead of their dignity.

Yikes! One more reason for me to stick to the Sirius 50’s-00’s music stations where most of the lyrics are already lodged into my brain when LO is in the car with me. I suppose when she hits the years when she wants to be cool, I’ll embarrass her by listening to the “oldies.”

My parents did that too. But I hope I’ll actually listen to the music LO likes and discuss it with her instead of simply substituting a musician I think is more “appropriate” when she asks for or prefers music I’m not comfortable with. It was a very disappointing Christmas in high school to open the package I knew was a cassette tape to find Michael W. Smith instead of the Guns & Roses I had requested.

It’s one thing to shield a child from the harsher parts of pop-culture before they are mature enough to understand your concerns with it. It’s a completely different thing to attempt to prevent them from experiencing any of it. Thank you for confirming that the former is possible!

I think I need to play that Free to Be cd a little more often at home. We mostly play nerd music– TMBG, Weird Al, etc. And we have BNL Snacktime and For the Kids, and other things where famous artists deliberately make a children’s cd.

My parents played classical music and musicals when we were growing up. My sister and I are both totally musicals nerds.

We’re just starting to have conversations with my 6 year old about his patriarchy-fighting responsibilities as a someday tall white male. (Though we don’t use those words. We do say “respect” a lot, and talk about his responsibility to say something when people aren’t being nice.)

I honestly hadn’t heard the song until a couple of weeks ago, and while I do think it’s catchy, your post has really opened my eyes to the lyrics, which as someone said above, are typically drowned out by the bass. I mused the other day (to my sister) that I don’t listen to any current music so I feel like I’m in the dark, but this made me remember why I don’t: I hate that people become famous for lyrics like this. Really?! And the music video too…I mean seriously, shouldn’t it be rated, with all the naked women dancing around?

I too stick to country musics. It may be sappy, but at least I can understand what they’re saying.

When I first heard this song (without having really listened to the lyrics), I was ready to dance on the rooftop. My kid LOVES to dance (“I like to move it, move it” is his usual statement), so I was excited for a new dance tune to get our groove on to…until I really listened to the lyrics. CREEPY. And then, with the video, Robin Thicke proved that it is entirely possible for someone to morph in image from a good-looking, 30-something, clean-cut, married with kid guy to a lecherous perv, all within the span of approximately three minutes. Not that I think there’s really ever reasoning behind naked women dancing with fully clothed men in a video, but this one felt especially gratuitous.

It’s too bad, too. With lyrics that didn’t alienate women, I think this song could have been so much bigger, appealing to broader audiences. It’s big, but there’s too many people making the same statements about the creep factor for this to go down in the history books the way really great music does. He’s making short-term gains, but I think he really missed out in the long run.

I’ve been having the same struggles with this song as you. I first heard it working out early this summer, and damn but it isn’t a great beat to work out to, but gradually I started listening to the lyrics and they made me feel queasy.

This song really represents everything I worry about my daughter having to deal with: men objectifying women and only valuing the “hottest bitches in the place”, then not valuing that women at all by making lewd comments, and then worse, saying things like “you know you want it.” The whole song gives me a rape-y vibe. The video is way more disturbing: naked supermodels dancing around fully clothed men.

Robin Thicke is a father. It’s pathetic he has to act like the smarmiest senior at the creepiest frat party ever. It’s even more pathetic that this song is destined to be the highest grossing song of the year.

I think in this way, Bitch is like the N* word. Tough women sometimes use it to take the word back, and black people do the same. I think in both cases, only the tough women or black people should EVER use those words.

A bitch can be a powerful hunter and a lead dog, but when she goes into heat she submits to a dog without question and without any choice in the matter. This is why I hate all the uses of women as bitches. We are NOT animals that are powerful one minute, and at the mercy of our hormones the next and being taken by the same pack we used to control. That is the connotation of the word bitch that is ugly.

On a lighter note… My husband and I were watching a major dog show and Ron Reagan Jr was commentating on the dogs. Every time it was a female dog he would say “Now that is a FINE looking bitch!” Every…single…time. It was really hilarious. We just knew that he was enjoying being able to say that on network TV without censure 🙂

I guess we differ in opinions. I did a post about the song and I did listen to the words. I think of it as a fantasy. Kind of like Fifty shades of Grey. Of course I do not have young boys at home anymore. And I do not worry about being called a Bitch. Life is hard. You can not shield your children from life’s dark sides . As much as you would like to they will eventually venture out and discover these things. I always thought it would be better if these issues were explored and addressed. I never shielded my children. They are wonderful sons who treat their women with respect. Don’t get me wrong I respect my self and others. It is just a funny song. About the raunchy side of life.

See, these lyrics don’t really bother me. Bitch doesn’t really bother me. And, in part, at least, I think it’s because I spent the majority of my formative years in schooling institutions where suburban white kids were the minority, and this kind of language was used often, and never meant to deride the subject– like some of my guy friends in high school seriously did not understand that you would use “bitch” to describe a rude/mean/whatever woman. It was used as another word for “chick”, basically. And, you know, when one of the crazy-hot guys told me I was “a fine ass bitch”, I was incredibly flattered, felt like I wasn’t a total outsider. (Geez, there’s really too much race-class-whatever guilt/pride identity whatnot wrapped up in my early educational experiences to even begin to dissect in a blog comment, but regardless, the result is that R&B/Hip Hop/Rap/Soul lyrics that depict women as objects don’t really bother me, because I don’t take it as objectification).

And yeah, like Pamela said above, it comes off to me as more about fantasy. There’s a line in an Eminem song (Shake That Ass), where Nate Dogg says, “I want a bitch that sit at the crib with no panties on, knows that she can but she won’t say no”, and I don’t think that he literally wants a woman who never leaves her house, who sits around naked from the waist down waiting for him to come home and bone her. I think it’s the depiction of a sexual fantasy, desiring an eager partner, who is excited and willing. And I get the same feeling from Blurred Lines. Any sexual being likes being thought of as so desirable that their personality or appearance would entice someone who perhaps didn’t start out interested in sex to become interested in sex. I mean, when I met my husband, I didn’t set out that evening thinking, “I am in the mood to have sex! I need to find a partner!” I met a man I found attractive, felt like I maybe wanted to go home with him, but shouldn’t because I didn’t want him to think I was a slut, wanted him to think of me as a good, wholesome person (when in truth, after meeting him, I did kinda want to get laid…). *That*, to me, is the ‘blurred line’, that we women can’t express sexual interest without being labeled a slut, that we need to be lady-like to be attractive. This song, to me, feels very much the opposite of that, as though the speaker is basically saying, “You are attractive, and I want you to know that if you want to be that animal type, if you want someone to pull your hair and spank you, that I’d like to do that for you, and I think it’s okay to tell me so. If you’re with a partner who treats you one way, and you’d like to be treated another, call me when you come through my area.”

I can certainly see why it would be offensive to some people (Or, okay, well, offensive to *most* politely-inclined people…). But it just doesn’t offend me for some reason.

I know the lyrics aren’t *up to par* with today’s politically correct society. It has a catchy beat, and my kids and I love be-bopping to it when it comes on the radio. They listen to much worse, and yes, I allow them to. I am not going to shelter them from the world. I do, however, teach them that some of the lyrics that they hear are NOT acceptable behaviors in THIS household.

This is a topic that I’ve thought about quite a bit as a mother – what to (and not to) allow your children to listen to. The music (and the lyrics) are out there. If I keep them from listening to particular songs, when they get older and are out on their own with their friends – I don’t want them thinking that what they are hearing is acceptable. I want to teach them NOW about what is and is not acceptable behavior so that when they are older, they can listen to the music with the catchy beat that they like and not feel as though just because it has horrid lyrics it’s a “bad song” and therefore they can’t listen to it.

My view is this – if it makes you want to dance – THEN DANCE. You don’t have to agree with the lyrics, you don’t have to sing along to them, but if the beat makes you want to MOVE and HAVE FUN, then go for it. When I hear “Blurred Lines” my toes start tapping and my head starts be-bopping.

As always, it is a parent’s decision on what their children should or should not listen to. I personally prefer to let me children listen to what they like, and my boys and I have discussions about the lyrics to the strange stuff they listen to, so for us, its all good.

I don’t know this song because I am out of touch. No excuses, I just don’t listen to current music at the moment since I am at all music-listening times with my 2 year old. But this:
“And girls NEED to be nudge-proofed. Women are nudged so hard by society and individuals, that if I do nothing else, I need to teach my daughter how to say the word “no” loud and clear. Not to use it indiscriminately to get out of doing her part as a society member, but to learn how to not put her own wants and needs last. To turn down advances that make her uncomfortable or that simply don’t hold her interest.”

This I LOVE. I need to remember this not only for my daughter but for myself.

Wow – what a fascinating pop culture discussion! I sometimes worry about the lyrical content of the pop songs my daughter listens to, and then I think that while I could possibly sing along to every song released between 1974 and 2000, it wasn’t until I was in my teens that music really spoke to me in any manner. And it was the same for many of my contemporaries. Some were lured in by the sex-related lyrics (Red Hot Chili Peppers, even!). Some were lured in by the activism (the U2 fans). Some were lured in by the meaninglessness-0f-life lyrics (Oh, how I love The Smiths!). Some just like the guitar work (REM). But the prevailing theme was that no one really noticed until high school. So I’m choosing to tell my daughter that certain words are unacceptable for her to use (sometimes I explain why, sometimes I just tell her she’s too young), but I let her listen to the songs anyway.

I had been meaning to bring this up with you. I could have made you cooler sooner. A few more things about this song.

1. On FM radio, the “bi+ch” is blurred (so to speak) so that it sounds to me like he’s saying, “You’re the hottest ho in this place.” MUUUCCHH better.

2. I saw Robin Thicke responding to criticisms of misogyny, and his defense was, essentially, “Well, I’ve been married for 18 years and my wife is down with it. In fact, she encouraged me to do the naked version of the video.” Sure. She’s a representative sample of all women, and she says objectifying people is OK, then it’s OK, and her judgment isn’t clouded at all by benefiting from sales.

3. I may have turned Daughter off on this song forever. We did, when we first heard it, love to listen to it in the car. But as the lyrics sunk in, like you I investigated the video (clean version, which is still disturbing and pointed out to T that these men didn’t think of women as people, only as toys to amuse them. And that the women seemed to think of themselves like that, too.

She no longer likes that song. (It was a mother-daughter moment. I plan to have this talk with Son, too).

I don’t know this song… and now I don’t want to hear it, lol. For all the reasons everyone else has listed. This is why I generally dislike today’s hiphop/rap cr@p and stick to classic rock. :p (Which, granted, has its own issues, lyrically, but generally is not so explicit and doesn’t have the associated video images to go along with it.)

Yep. My friend does west coast swing and this is a very popular song right now at the club where he goes. He kept suggesting the song and the beat bugged me, but one day I decided to really listen. I was bothered by the lyrics and refuse to listen to it now. I like what you said about nudging.

I agree with every bit of what you said about these lyrics. My high school/early 20’s boyfriend and his friends used to use the word bitch interchangeably with the words woman or girl. For example “I don’t think bitches like that movie”. It drove me INSANE! No matter what I said or how I explained why it was offensive, they just said they “didn’t mean it in a bad way”. Ugh. I’m so glad my husband is not a Neanderthal and would never say anything like that. BUT, he loves this song. He came in dancing after mowing the lawn with his iPod on. He played it for me and I couldn’t stomach it. I just don’t like pop/dance songs and the high pitch singing was a major turn off. I have it a few more chances cause some parts are catchy and shoulder wiggle inducing. But I couldn’t get past the singing. I never actually paid attention to the lyrics or saw the video. Now I hate it more. I doubt my husband has really digested the lyrics either.

Man, I really liked that song, too. Of course, I have never paid any attention to the lyrics. In Thicke’s defence though, of all the songs I’ve heard, his is pretty tame. I’ve heard way more offensive lyrics in Eminem, Enrique Iglesias, and about 99% of rap songs. There are some I never care to hear again. Robin Thicke’s music is pretty tame but obviously a dirty, racy, intentionally sensationalistic lyrics scored well for him.

Bitch isn’t quite as bad as for N word for me, and frankly I’ve been called both. I never cared for the word in a rap song, despite the black artists who used it.

I am one of those women that was raised to believe to just go along with things even though I felt differently. I still struggle with it believe it or not, but mostly I practice saying no on a regular basis. And when I hear the word bitch used to my face, I know I’m right on track.

Who is Mel?

Melissa, otherwise known as Mel, The Stirrup Queen, and most recently nicknamed Lollipop Goldstein, has been blogging since 2006. In addition to STIRRUP QUEENS, she also writes the daily Lost and Found (LFCA). She also writes for BlogHer. You can join her on StumbleUpon. She's known to Twitter about her wonky ovaries.