EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON, RICHARD KEYS PITCHED UP AT THE talkSPORT STUDIOS TO 'APOLOGISE' FOR HIS PART IN THAT SKY SEXISM BUSINESS, ANNOUNCING HE WAS THERE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE AN AGENT OR A PR MAN. WHAT FOLLOWS ARE SEVERAL COMPELLING REASONS WHY HE SHOULD CONSIDER HIRING AT LEAST ONE OF EACH

• "There are two sides to every argument. We are losing at the moment but we do live in a democracy, there are two sides to this. Please. We've aired one a lot, let's hear the other one a bit."

• "I will get criticism whatever I do going forward. I am not whining. I am not here to defend myself. I am not here apologising or feeling sorry for myself. I am here to make a statement, which I have so far been unable to do, to say sorry, not just to the individuals who have been immediately offended but to the wider viewing public ..."

• "There will be people who will say I should have come and apologised on Monday. I couldn't come Monday, I couldn't come Tuesday, there was too much else happening." [Eh, what about Sunday? - Fiver Ed.]

• "There's a firestorm raging out there and it's been very difficult to step into the middle of it and get across the way I'm feeling and correct some of the misinformation that's been put about …"

• "I would like to reiterate what I said to Sian Massey on Sunday afternoon … I rang on behalf of Andy and myself and made an official apology, which Sian accepted. She and I enjoyed some banter together. We left on very good terms."

• "It was ironic. I know when you listen to these things in the manner in which they've been presented they sound very different but of course it was all part of a wider conversation that everyone there on the day was having."

• "I noticed Rio Ferdinand twittered … Rio, are you telling me it doesn't take place in the Manchester United dressing room because my information is that it does?" The clips that you've seen are fairly selective. They've targeted two individuals. It might be that that's not necessarily representative of our studio, which is our dressing room …"

• "One of the reasons that we were probably in overdrive on Saturday is that we had a fresh guest with us – Matt Murray, who used to play in goal for Wolves – we wanted to make him feel relaxed and comfortable. That was part of that process."

• "Sky Sports is not inherently sexist … we're a little bit like Wimbledon: we've had to upset a few people on the way to get noticed. All those colourful jackets I used to wear … but there's many people drinking from the well that we dug … success breeds envy."

•"There's some dark forces at work here … There's a row raging at the moment about the invasion of privacy – phone tapping – … what's the difference between what happened to us and what's happened, allegedly, to many others?"

• "I tried to ring Karren [Brady] twice on Sunday night. She didn't answer the phone. There is no answer phone on Karren's mobile. That may be a sign of the times at West Ham. So I texted her and asked her to ring me back… she chose not to respond to my text. A by-product of all this is that it's taken West Ham out of the press and she knows, and so does everybody else, what a mess they made of trying to appoint Martin O'Neill. She was getting it in the neck, she claims that's because she is a woman. She played that card, rightly or wrongly."

• "There's a lot of very good female presenters out there who I've played a major part in them getting a break in this country and they know it. Gabby [Logan], Kelly Cates, whose dad called me right at the start of her career and said 'can you help?' .... Just to prove that I don't just help those of one particular gender: Alan Hansen, Alan Shearer … we know full well that whatever I say today is likely to be misunderstood, misrepresented and turned around to suit the purposes of whichever organisation it is that is reporting this ..."

• "[What I said was] shocking, horrible, out of order, wrong, old-fashioned, behavioural problems that need to be attended to ... reconstruction, yeah. Again, it's a fairly selective moment from the studio that night, read into that what you will. But it shouldn't have happened. I have re-evaluated my attitude. I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't. It's not enough for me to sit here saying 'I'm a changed man'. There's a process to undergo, I am happy to take it."

• "I hope this makes it easier for others to follow Sian. I hope this starts the process of recovery and everybody know can just step back and understand that these boorish and bullish guys understand the magnitude of what happened.

• "Oh look at that screen: I've worked for Sky for 20 years and they've spelt my name wrong!"

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I have worked for Sky Sports loyally for over 20 years and I do not wish to comment further at this time" - in a soundbite that conjures up images of Alan Partridge running through a restaurant holding a giant block of Stilton on a fork, Andy Gray wraps up his apology for comments made about assistant referee Sian Massey by declaring he had no further match analysis to provide anyway. Or something.

GOLLIVAN'S (NON-)TRAVELS

If ever proof were needed that the League Cup has regained its lustre then it arrived shortly before kick-off in yesterday's semi-final second leg between Arsenal and Ipswich. Arsenal, without a trophy since 12 minutes before the dawn of time and needing to win by two clear goals in order to overturn their first-leg deficit, were taking this fixture so seriously that Arsène Wenger had deigned to start eight-elevenths of his strongest available line-up. That's nearly 73%! And this was only the semi-final!

But if that wasn't enough to win you over then just listen to the West Ham co-owner David Sullivan. The Hammers are away to Birmingham in the return leg of the second semi-final tonight, and he reckons the opportunity to get one over his former team is so important he can't even bring himself to show up. "I really don't want to offend anyone," he parped, "but I can't face doing that journey back if we lose."

Sullivan's co-owner, David Gold, didn't have the luxury of choice when the two sides met in the league earlier this season, having been banned from St Andrew's after a falling out with the Birmingham chairman Peter Pannu. But after being cleared to return this time, he too has chosen to stay away. "None of us will be going to the game," he said, referring to himself, Sullivan and West Ham's vice-chairman Karren Brady, who doesn't have an answer phone on her mobiler. "If it wasn't on TV, we would all be there 100%. But I've done that long journey six or seven hundred times and I can't face getting back at 2am feeling depressed if we have lost."

Not that Sullivan is one of these part-time supporters, mind, and he was at pains to point out that he would be "partying at home with my kids, like every West Ham United fan" if his team won. Well, except the really crazy ones who still think that a cup semi-final is still worth waiting a couple of hours in traffic for.

DOUBLE YOUR MONEY WITH BLUE SQUARE!

FIVER LETTERS

"Dear Andy Gray. We are all feeling for you at this sad time, it's just not fair that people should focus on one tiny incident, analyse it to the nth degree, and make uninformed reactionary judgements ... and the replays, oh the endless replays ... Chins up big man" - Stuart Parish.

"Does anyone else find an uncanny resemblance with the background in Paolo Bandini's head shot and this shot of a very shocked Andy Gray? Were they at the same garden party? Furthermore, is Gray's expression down to him having asking Mr Bandini to tuck something in there? This could explain Paolo's smirk" - Paul Jones.

"A lot of small minded and opinionated people have been spouting of in the debate of women and football. I think we need to hear the voice of a true leader in sport. So what does Sepp Blatter think on this subject?" - Nin Randhawa.

"Out of interest, is the Rio Ferdinand criticising backward attitudes to woman the same Rio Ferdinand who organised this party?" - Calum Loudon.

"Ian Holloway's formally funny and fresh comedy takes on the world of football are now beginning to sound tired, desperate and a little contrived. Come now Fiver, surely you can empathise?" - David Regan.

BITS AND BOBS

That hacking death rattle you heard in west London earlier today was Chelsea midfielder Gael Kakuta coughing for the doctor at Craven Cottage before inking a loan deal with Fulham. [Gael Kakuta does not have a hacking death rattle - Fiver Lawyers].

Manchester United full-back Rafael will miss Saturday's FA Cup tie with Southampton after suffering memory-knack in the wake of his head-clash with Blackpool Beluga whale lookalike Marlon Harewood last night.

The number of sullen, argumentative and disruptive influences in the Manchester City dressing room has decreased by one, now that Emmanuel Adebayor has gone on loan to Real Madrid, with a view to a permanent move.

Kung-fu master Nigel de Jong has has been recalled to the Holland squad by manager Bert van Marwijk, who dropped the Manchester City midfielder in October due to his penchant for breaking other people's legs.

And thousands lined the streets of Bolton earlier this afternoon for the funeral of Wanderers legend Nat Lofthouse, which took place in the town's Parish Church.

STILL WANT MORE?

Does size matter? Jonathan Wilson (5ft 8in, 135lbs and hung like a stalli ... [Snip! Not in the current climate! - Fiver HR Dept]) analyses the long and the short of demographic trends in European football.

Gaffer-sackings, double-barrelled team names and Japan's advancing Sunflowers all feature in this week's thrilling instalment of The Knowle ... ah, you're still too transfixed by that Richard Keys apology to worry about anything down here, aren't you?

In an interview on TalkSport, Sky Sports anchor Richard Keys cites 'dark forces at work' as he discusses the sexism scandal surrounding himself and co-presenter Andy Gray. He was later forced to resign