WROTE THIS COLUMN A DAY EARLY: If you had any idea how bad I am with deadlines, you’d know how serious a condemnation it is for me to actually get off my ass and write a day early just so I have no reason to keep the column’s subject matter around. But that’s the problem with Dungeon Siege III—it exists only as a loss of potential, to be rectified by unlucky players through return or resale at their earliest opportunity.

Speaking of which, I’m done. I plan to use some leftover Independence Day sparklers to hold a little parade for my trip to the mailbox to send Dungeon Siege III back to its only nest at some unholy Gamefly distribution center. After that, I think I’ll plunge a still-burning sparkler into my eye and hope I hit the part of my brain that remembers how bad it was.