Lap Dance Etiquette

Lap dance bars: Can you think of anything more perfect? Almost-naked beautiful women, beer... OK, that's all we've got so far, but you have to admit that's all pretty close to perfect.

However, you can't just walk into a strip joint and act the way your caveman brain is telling you. No jumping on the nearest piece of flesh — there are rules to follow.

While lap dance etiquette is inevitably stacked (pun not intended) in favor of the girls, these rules also benefit you. Be respectful and you'll be allowed back into this little slice of paradise. The alternative? Your butt will make friends with the curb outside the club very quickly.

Know the house rules

Every strip joint has its own rules. These rules are written in stone. If the big, flashing sign on the wall says "No Touching," you can bet your ass that your hands will not be an exception to the rule. Every cell in your body might be telling you not to sit on your sweaty little palms while a semi-naked girl grinds your thigh, but if that's what you've got to do, then that's what you've got to do, period.

The simplest way to maintain proper lap dance etiquette form is to follow the house rules as if they were the Ten Commandments. If you don't, your face, wallet and raging libido won't be welcome there again.

Be clean

This is another glaring, do-not-ever-break rule of lap dance etiquette. Don't turn up smelling like a dead homeless dude. Before you head out, shower and prep as if you were heading out on a date. In fact, take it one step further because you know you'll be getting up-close and personal with someone.

The key to lap dance etiquette is to make it pleasant for your dancer. Make sure you smell good and banish any bad breath you suspect you might have. However, you also don't want to overdo it. Drenching yourself in cologne is worse than not wearing any at all. Present yourself as you would to a potential date — we're not suggesting she's going to go home with you at the end of the night, but you want to make sure that, at very least, she's enjoying her work.

Have money

Never turn up to a strip bar with just enough money for beer. If you're going there intending to have a dance, this is a bit of a no-brainer. However, even if you're just heading out with the boys — with no intention of enjoying the delights on offer — proper lap dance etiquette suggests you should always pack a few extra bills.

The last thing you want is to be presented with the opportunity for a dance from an absolute goddess only to have to turn it down because you didn't follow proper lap dance etiquette and bring enough cash. It's not just the frustration that'll get you down; by the time you've finished counting the loose change in your wallet, every girl in the place will have you pegged as "the poor guy" and will avoid you like an STI.