I’ve been on the road for the last couple weeks and have been sitting on this for a minute. The last couple months, Collin has grown up SO much. He has become more expressive and aware of his emotions. We’ve also started playing board games together and learning (together) how to win and lose. I’m still in awe of how relevant parenting has been in my day to day work and movement life.

We’ve been playing Candy Land with Collin. He was winning for weeks, if not months. And then came the day he finally lost. It crushed him. Like a lot.

“No more games!!” he screamed (with a pretty long meltdown).

First, we tried to explain that losing was normal. That didn’t really work. Then, we talked about how even his beloved superheroes have lost battles. Then, I just had to admit that I lose all the time! That worked a little better but still board games were off the table.

So one day out of the blue he asks, “Why are you a loser?” (someone who loses)

I didn’t really take it any kind of way but it made me think about how little boys are told that they must be “strong” and be “winners” and not show their emotions.

From superheroes to their peers, little boys are surrounded by this. Times have changed but not that much. Now it is not just male but also female characters that embody all this. Patriarchy is embedded in all facets of our society.

How do we shift these paradigms? How do I disrupt this as a new baba?

First, I acknowledge that I (and many other adults) still don’t know how to fail and/or lose. No one likes to lose! But I feel most loved when there is a culture of humility and rigor to do our very best.

Second, I model by being my whole self with all my contradiction, emotions and vulnerabilities, as much as possible. I acknowledge and apologize when I forget to listen to him. I ask for forgiveness when I make a mistake. Usually, a hug is all we need.

Third, I learn to fail and fail fast in all parts of my life. I’m still critical but rather than getting stuck, I’m constantly striving towards my vision and purpose. I practice and experiment until it becomes a habit. This tends to be the most difficult because I’ve spend decades of my life trying to be “perfect” by rejecting or suppressing my privileges. This is different than entering contradictions and leveraging my privilege. This takes incredible trust and love in myself.

Most importantly, I disrupt patriarchy by not doing it for Collin (or anyone else) but for my own transformation, as well.

“Most importantly, I disrupt patriarchy by not doing it for Collin (or anyone else) but for my own transformation, as well.”

Parenting has been the best mirror to reflect how I want to lead my life. I hope that one day Collin sees that I was humble, a good listener and purposeful. AND, I hope that he will embrace me in all my imperfections and flaws as I showed up the best I could for him.

Parenting has been the best mirror to reflect how I want to lead my life. I hope that one day Collin sees that I was humble, a good listener and purposeful. AND, I hope that he will embrace me in all my imperfections and flaws as I showed up for him as best I could.

After a few weeks, with the support of our awesome therapist, he’s back playing Candy Land and other games. He is still afraid of losing and that’s okay. He has still won most games but now when he loses, he still wants to play <3.

In households across the country, our children are asking very important and hard questions. It is the brewing of resistance of the generation of unicorns and we have clear responsibilities to love and protect our little ones and each other.

In 38 years, Collin will be my current age (the ripe age of 42). What will he think about what we have done or not done? What will the world and planet look like? Did we fight like hell for a better world for their generation?…

Yesterday was another hectic morning of drop off to therapy and then preschool, including some conference calls wedged in between.
I was frustrated throughout the morning but mostly feeling some guilt for being away again this weekend. I was doing my best to be patient.
As we were about to walk out the door (almost on time, actually) Collin says, “Baba, I don’t want to go.”…

2019 has already started with a bang. I haven’t written in some time and I started feeling that uncomfortable itch. Since so much happened last year, I was waiting for the “right” time for all the “right” reflections but really there is never the “right” time or reflection, there is only time when you make time to reflect.

So here’s to me making time on a very busy week. I’m writing this on my iphone in between meeting commutes. AND, actually, I can’t think of a better time.

The last week or so has been an apocalyptic glimpse of what we don’t often experience so closely in the Bay Area but is becoming the “new normal”. Fire and toxic smoke is everywhere. No school for children, canceling meetings and events, crowded indoor spaces; toxic smoke is bad not only for weak lungs but for the faith of heart.

Our other new normal is winning locally and across the country. The short term losses in the Georgia and Florida governor’s race, have already inspired millions and transformed our way of movement politics. Union hotel workers who have been on strike for 45 days have either reached a contract or are in negotiations. There are more to be named, of course.

In these entrenched times of tragedy and loss, we are fighting for our lives literally and in this mid-term election and, at times, it can feel like the world upon our shoulders. We default to anger, pessimism, and isolation, to name a few. I’m learning to unlearn all these habits, learning to surrender — surrender to love, hope and optimism. This is how we will win our liberation.

No matter what political moment it is, this shows up in parenting almost every single day. I’m constantly practicing how to surrender in the present moment….

Lately, Collin has been telling me, “Baba, I’m brave and I don’t cry.” He would share how he got hurt but didn’t cry or how he wasn’t scared when something happened. These all important and make me proud but as a new baba, I often wonder how to show him that crying and emotions in general are not only okay but can be powerful.

So the other night, I was scrambling to find a story about this. Since Collin is into fiery things, I found that phoenixes are fierce AND emotional at the same time. In fact, according to Dumbledore from Harry Potter the phoenix can rise from the ashes (pretty awesome) and its tears can heal wounds (also pretty awesome but less known). (Note: I’m totally not a Harry Potter expert but a newer fan.)

This makes me think how we are fighting on so many fronts in these political times. Many of us, especially cis-men, want to stay “strong” and “visionary”. But the reality is that we will win and lose battles in this moment and there will be a lot more crying and emotions before we rise from the ashes….

After Collin’s (awesome) unicorn birthday party two weekends ago, I started writing about the great responsibility of raising our little boys, little unicorns, and what they will think about us looking back at these treacherous times.

Then, the week erupted. It not only reared its gnarly and ugly head, it was filled with (white) tears, tears of fear, and emotions. I didn’t want to watch but i knew that as a cis-man, Chinese/Asian American man, I needed to watch the rawness of white supremacy and patriarchy unfold in front of the nation. I needed to reflect on how to support the women around me and on the frontlines not just for what Brett Kavanaugh said and did but also for what he represents — the white ruling elite in this country…

Happy 4th birthday to our lovely son Collin!! On this day, I’m reminded of how he helped me find my greatest ambition. My ambition is to be a bold, present baba in all parts of my life. That is hella ambitious.

I shared about Collin’s autism, convinced that society will not only accept but embrace him and our family. That was ambitious.

I recognized my limitations and surrendered to the risk of failure. That was ambitious.

I became more sensitive and patient, maybe too much for some. That was ambitious.

I shared tears with friends and accepted their help and support. That was ambitious.

I listened to my mistakes and was compassionate to myself and, in turn, others around me. That was ambitious.

Finding my greatest ambition has allowed me to be BOLD and PRESENT in all parts of my life. One does not replace another but to find the one thing that is core to my purpose drives everything else.

Some of you may know me as always being very ambitious. I’ve grown a grassroots organization and started many new projects. I’ve helped to build political power that is guided by our vision and values and helped to train and mentor the next generation of activists and organizers. This is all true and I’m proud of it all. But finding my greatest ambition and what’s most core to my purpose has allowed me to access my full self to be even more powerful.

Of course, there are a caveats to all this.

As a cis-man, it is easy to say some of this. Standards are quite low for us to show up in emotional and vulnerable ways. And truth be told, I get a lot of props for things that should be normal.

Rather than getting stuck by all this, this is call for dismantling patriarchy all together. If anything, cis-men need to be more emotional and vulnerable because we have the privilege and protection to do so.

I also want to thank the dozens of people, the young and young at heart, who personally reached out to me, pulled me aside during rallies and meetings or emailed me to share about the impact of this blog. Thank you.

Even though I know how important this blog has been to some, the system is designed to make us feel more alone when we reveal and share. But in these times, our best defense is still our connection with each other, connecting towards a more liberatory and just society. Now that is ambitious!

I especially want to thank the parents and guardians of young awesome autistics; may the world become more compassionate and empathetic for all our little ones. I appreciate the truth telling and head-nods; no one journey will be the same and yet we can feel so much of the same. We are on this path together.

I’m proud that I wrote 40 blogs the last year. WOW!! Collin gave me the strength and inspiration for this and I’m committing to continue this practice. I’d say that is pretty awesome and ambitious.

We had a pretty fun and packed Labor day vacation but the guilt began to seep in as the plane landed and as we returned home at midnight on Monday. Mychi and I both had long back to back days this week and no matter how intentional we wanted to be at that moment, we knew the transition back wasn’t going to be easy on Collin (and us).

Sometimes you see the storm coming, sometimes you don’t. And that is okay. By day 2 of vacation, I could tell Collin was experiencing social and physical exhaustion. He was taking super long naps (2.5 hours!) and his sensitivities were particularly high but I could tell he was really trying to enjoy himself. We went to the zoo (twice even!), went swimming and visited friends and family.

Still, it felt like he was missing his stability, his comfort, his routine. By day 3, he said he missed “brown house,” our home. Don’t get me wrong, he had a GREAT time but it was a reminder that we all need some space….