Works, by Lucian

The Gods in Council

Zeus. Hermes. Momus

Zeus. Now, gentlemen, enough of that muttering and whispering in corners. You complain that our banquets
are thrown open to a number of undesirable persons. Very well: the Assembly has been convened for the purpose of
dealing with this very point, and every one is at liberty to declare his sentiments openly, and bring what allegations
he will. — Hermes, make formal proclamation to that effect

Her. All duly qualified divinities are hereby invited to address the Assembly on the subject of foreigners
and immigrants. Mo. Have I your permission to speak, sir?

Zeus. It is not needed; you have heard the proclamation.

Mo. I desire, then, to protest against the insufferable vanity of some among us who, not content with their
own promotion to godhead, would introduce their dependants and underlings here as our equals. Sir, I shall express
myself on this subject with that blunt sincerity which is inseparable from my character. I am known to the world as one
whose unfettered tongue cannot refrain from speech in the presence of wrong-doing; as one who probes matters to the
bottom, and says what he thinks, without concealment, without fear, and without scruple. My frankness is burdensome to
the generality of Gods, who mistake it for censoriousness; I have been termed by such the Accuser General. But I shall
none the less avail myself of the freedom accorded to me by the proclamation — and by your permission, sir — to speak
my mind without reserve. — There are, I repeat it, many persons who, despite their mixed origin, have been admitted to
our feasts and councils upon terms of equality; and who, not satisfied with this, have brought
hither their servants and satellites, and enrolled them among the Gods; and these menials now share in our rations and
sacrifices without ever so much as paying the customary tax.

Zeus. These are riddles. Say what you mean in so many words, and let us have the names. Generalities of
this kind can only give ground for random conjecture; they might apply to any one. You are a friend to sincerity: speak
on, then, without hesitation

Mo. This is really most gratifying. Such encouragement is precisely what I should have expected of a king
of your exalted spirit; I will mention the name. I refer, in fact, to Dionysus. Although the mother of this truly
estimable demi-god was not only a mortal, but a barbarian, and his maternal grandfather a tradesman in Phoenicia, one
Cadmus, it was thought necessary to confer immortality upon him. With his own conduct since that time, I am not
concerned; I shall have nothing to say on the subject of his snood, his inebriety, or his manner of walking. You may
all see him for yourselves: an effeminate, half-witted creature, reeking of strong liquor from the early hours of the
day. But we are indebted to him for the presence of a whole tribe of his followers, whom he has introduced into our
midst under the title of Gods. Such are Pan, Silenus, and the Satyrs; coarse persons, of frisky tendencies and
eccentric appearance, drawn chiefly from the goat-herd class. The first-mentioned of these, besides being horned, has
the hind-quarters of a goat, and his enormous beard is not unlike that of the same animal. Silenus is an old man with a
bald head and a snub nose, who is generally to be seen riding on a donkey; he is of Lydian extraction. The Satyrs are
Phrygians; they too are bald, and have pointed ears, and sprouting horns, like those of young kids. When I add that
every one of these persons is provided with a tail, you will realize the extent of our obligation

to Dionysus. And with these theological curiosities before their eyes, we wonder why it is that men think lightly of
the Gods! I might have added that Dionysus has also brought us a couple of ladies: Ariadne is one, his mistress, whose
crown is now set among the host of stars; the other is farmer Icarius’s daughter. And the cream of the jest is still to
come: the dog, Erigone’s dog, must be translated too; the poor child would never be happy in Heaven without the sweet
little pet! What can we call this but a drunken freak?

So much for Dionysus. I now proceed —

Zeus. Now, Momus, I see what you are coming to: but you will kindly leave Asclepius and Heracles alone.
Asclepius is a physician, and restores the sick; he is

More worth than many men.

And Heracles is my own son, and purchased his immortality with many toils. So not one word against either of
them.

Mo. Very well, sir; as you wish, though I had something to say on that subject, too. You will excuse my
remarking, at any rate, that they have something of a scorched appearance still. With reference to yourself, sir, a
good deal might be said, if I could feel at liberty ———

Zeus. Oh, as regards myself, you are — perfectly at liberty. What, then, I am an interloper too, am I?

Mo. Worse than that, according to what they say in Crete: your tomb is there on view. Not that I believe
them, any more than I believe that Aegium story, about your being a changeling. But there is one thing that I think
ought to be made clear. You yourself, sir, have set us the example in loose conduct of this kind; it is you we have to
thank — you and your terrestrial gallantries and your transformations — for the present mixed state of society. We are
quite uneasy about it. You will be caught, some day, and sacrificed as a bull; or some goldsmith will try his hand upon our gold-transmuted sire, and we shall have nothing to show for it but a
bracelet, a necklace or a pair of earrings. The long and short of it is, that Heaven is simply swarming with
these demi-gods of yours; there is no other word for it. It tickles a man considerably when he suddenly finds Heracles
promoted to deity, and Eurystheus, his taskmaster, dead and buried, his tomb within easy distance of his slave’s
temple; or again when he observes in Thebes that Dionysus is a God, but that God’s cousins, Pentheus, Actaeon, and
Learchus, only mortals, and poor devils at that. You see, sir, ever since you gave the entrée to people of this sort,
and turned your attention to the daughters of Earth, all the rest have followed suit; and the scandalous part of it is,
that the Goddesses are just as bad as the Gods. Of the cases of Anchises, Tithonus, Endymion, Iasion, and others, I
need say nothing; they are familiar to every one, and it would be tedious to expatiate further.

Zeus. Now I will have no reflections on Ganymede’s antecedents; I shall be very angry with you, if you hurt
the boy’s feelings.

Mo. Ah; and out of consideration for him I suppose I must also abstain from any reference to the eagle,
which is now a God like the rest of us, perches upon the royal sceptre, and may be expected at any moment to build his
nest upon the head of Majesty? — Well, you must allow me Attis, Corybas, and Sabazius: by what contrivance, now, did
they get here? and that Mede there, Mithras, with the candys and tiara? why, the fellow cannot speak Greek; if
you pledge him, he does not know what you mean. The consequence is, that Scythians and Goths, observing their success,
snap their fingers at us, and distribute divinity and immortality right and left; that was how the slave Zamolxis’s
name slipped into our register. However, let that pass. But I should just like to ask that Egyptian there — the dog-faced gentleman in the linen suit 1— who
he is, and whether he proposes to establish his divinity by barking? And will the piebald bull
yonder 2, from Memphis, explain what use he has for a temple, an oracle,
or a priest? As for the ibises and monkeys and goats and worse absurdities that are bundled in upon us, goodness knows
how, from Egypt, I am ashamed to speak of them; nor do I understand how you, gentlemen, can endure to see such
creatures enjoying a prestige equal to or greater than your own. — And you yourself, sir, must surely find ram’s horns
a great inconvenience?

Zeus. Certainly, it is disgraceful the way these Egyptians go on. At the same time, Momus, there is an
occult significance in most of these things; and it ill becomes you, who are not of the initiated, to ridicule
them.

Mo. Oh, come now: a God is one thing, and a person with a dog’s head is another; I need no initiation to
tell me that.

Zeus. Well, that will do for the Egyptians; time must be taken for the consideration of their case. Proceed
to others.

Mo. Trophonius and Amphilochus come next. The thought of the latter, in particular, causes my blood to
boil: the father 3 is a matricide and an outcast, and the son, if you
please, sets up for a prophet in Cilicia, and retails information — usually incorrect — to a believing public at the
rate of twopence an oracle. That is how Apollo here has fallen into disrepute: it needs but a quack (and quacks are
plentiful), a sprinkling of oil, and a garland or two, and an oracle may be had in these days wherever there is an
altar or a stone pillar. Fever patients may now be cured either at Olympia by the statue of
Polydamas the athlete, or in Thasos by that of Theagenes. Hector receives sacrifice at Troy: Protesilaus just across
the water on Chersonese. Ever since the number of Gods has thus multiplied, perjury and temple-robbery have been on the
increase. In short, men do not care two straws about us; nor can I blame them.

That is all I have to say on the subject of bastards and new importations. But I have also observed with
considerable amusement the introduction of various strange names, denoting persons who neither have nor could
conceivably have any existence among us. Show me this Virtue of whom we hear so much; show me Nature, and Destiny, and
Fortune, if they are anything more than unsubstantial names, the vain imaginings of some philosopher’s empty head. Yet
these flimsy personifications have so far gained upon the weak intelligences of mankind, that not a man will now
sacrifice to us, knowing that though he should present us with a myriad of hecatombs, Fortune will none the less work
out that destiny which has been appointed for each man from the beginning. I should take it kindly of you, sir, if you
would tell me whether you have ever seen Virtue or Fortune or Destiny anywhere? I know that you must have heard of them
often enough, from the philosophers, unless your ears are deaf enough to be proof against their bawlings.

Much more might be said: but I forbear. I perceive that the public indignation has already risen to hissing point;
especially in those quarters in which my plain truths have told home.

In conclusion, sir, I have drawn up a bill dealing with this subject; which, with your permission, I shall now
read.

Zeus. Very well; some of your points are reasonable enough. We must put a check on these abuses, or they
will get worse.

Mo.

On the seventh day of the month in the prytany of Zeus and the presidency of Posidon Apollo in the chair the
following Bill introduced by Sleep was read by Momus son of Night before a true and lawful meeting of the Assembly whom
Fortune direct.

Whereas numerous persons both Greeks and barbarians being in no way entitled to the franchise have by means
unknown procured their names to be enrolled on our register filling the Heavens with false Gods troubling our banquets
with a tumultuous rout of miscellaneous polyglot humanity and causing a deficiency in the supplies of ambrosia and
nectar whereby the price of the latter commodity owing to increased consumption has risen to four pounds the
half-pint:

And whereas the said persons have presumptuously forced themselves into the places of genuine and
old-established deities and in contravention of law and custom have further claimed precedence of the same deities upon
the Earth:

It has seemed good to the Senate and People that an Assembly be convened upon Olympus at or about the time of
the winter solstice for the purpose of electing a Commission of Inquiry the Commissioners to be duly-qualified Gods
seven in number of whom three to be appointed from the most ancient Senate of Cronus and the remaining four from the
twelve Gods of whom Zeus to be one and the said Commissioners shall before taking their seats swear by Styx according
to the established form and Hermes shall summon by proclamation all such as claim admission to the Assembly to appear
and bring with them sworn witnesses together with documentary proofs of their origin and all such persons shall
successively appear before the Commissioners and the Commissioners after examination of their claims shall either
declare them to be Gods or dismiss them to their own tombs and family vaults and if the Commissioners subsequently
discover in Heaven any person so disqualified from entering such person shall be thrown into Tartarus

and further each God shall follow his own profession and no other and it shall not be lawful either for Athene
to heal the sick or for Asclepius to deliver oracles or for Apollo to practise three professions at once but only one
either prophecy or music or medicine according as he shall select and instructions shall be issued tophilosophers forbidding them either to invent meaningless names or to talk nonsense about matters of which they
know nothing and if a temple and sacrificial honours have already been accorded to any disqualified person his statue
shall be thrown down and that of Zeus or Hera or Athene or other God substituted in its place and his city shall
provide him with a tomb and set up a pillar in lieu of his altar and against any person refusing to appear before the
Commissioners in accordance with the proclamation judgement shall be given by default.

That, gentlemen, is the Bill.

Zeus. And a very equitable one it is, Momus. All in favour of this Bill hold up their hands! Or no: our
opponents are sure to be in a majority. You may all go away now, and when Hermes makes the proclamation, every one must
come, bringing with him complete particulars and proofs, with his father’s and mother’s names, his tribe and clan, and
the reason and circumstances of his deification. And any of you who fail to produce your proofs will find it is no use
having great temples on the Earth, or passing there for Gods; that will not help you with the Commissioners.

169:3 Amphiaraus, the father of Amphilochus, neither slew his own
mother, Hypermnestra, nor procured her death. He did, however, procure the death of his wife, Eriphyle, at the hand of
her son Alcmaeon; and in this remote sense was a matricide. It must be confessed that a great deal of the peculiar
guilt of matricide evaporates in the process of explanation. The reader may prefer to suppose simply that Lucian has
made a slip.