Wednesday, February 27, 2008

When last we left Teenage Girl President she was finally about to escape her self-imposed exile at Coldstone Creamery:

Well, as the new Medium Large comic site lumbers to life it turns out Teenage Girl President may be going on air rather than online. That's because I recently signed a deal to help bring a cartoon series of TGP to a less-than-discriminating basic cable channel near you.

Now this is all in the preliminary stages of eventual turnaround, so my saying "I signed a deal" is in no way the same as my saying "TGP is airing after Venture Bros." (Though that, in two words, would rule). But I am happy that it's moving forward and I thank each and every one who read--and commented on--the comic way back when. You gave me the confidence to seek out and sign this deal.

And, of course, I have to give a special shout-out to Yellojkt for his long-ago post about the viability of such a series...only to be hit with more than his fair share of requests from all-too-enthusiastic stage mothers.

By now you've probably seen the inspired, ingenious Garfield Minus Garfield site in which the titular cat is removed from his very own strip, leaving owner Jon Arbuckle alone and addled in a strip "about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life." To wit:

This immediately led to the following blatant rip-off, Sally Forth Minus Sally Forth:

And, of course, Family Circus Minus God:My apologies to the good people of GMG.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

As we all know, Googling has fast become a way for bosses and headhunters to do continuous and stealthy background checks on employees with zero disclosure required. So for the purposes of any and all future job hunts, I hereby input the following information into the search-engine matrix:

Francesco Marciuliano only engages in alcohol consumption during Communion, when toasting the sanctity of marriage or while infiltrating sleeper cells in Napa Valley.

Francesco Marciuliano speaks fluent Cantonese and Mandarin, but never utters either for fear of showing favoritism.

Francesco Marciuliano is an exceedingly inquisitive employee, but not to the point that he could prove of any assistance during a Securities and Exchange Commission investigation.

Francesco Marciuliano knows why the caged bird sings—because it realizes the true joy of working in a highly-structured corporate environment.

Francesco Marciuliano is well aware of the difference between "personal" and "professional," having proven himself quite adept at spelling.

Francesco Marciuliano once took a bullet for a Christian puppy.

Francesco Marciuliano fought for his country time and time again in Stratego, Electronic Battleship and numerous "G.I. Joe vs. Stretch Armstrong (Evil)" battles.

Francesco Marciuliano understands that humor has its time and place—during opening remarks at a company presentation, while securing the trust of a potential sales client and as "best medicine" in lieu of stem cells.

Francesco Marciuliano knows that the surest way to achieve success in business is by building a great business team. Hence his research in robotics.

Francesco Marciuliano is an exceptionally opinionated and strong-willed individual who graps the importance of going with the flow.

Francesco Marciuliano has never missed a day's work, a project deadline or an opportunity to help the homeless build corrugated strongholds against their alien enemies.

Francesco Marciuliano has written several books on business leadership under the pen name "Jack Welch."

Francesco Marciuliano is a devoutly pious man who nonetheless does not discuss religion in the office, since few can pronounce the name of his god.

Francesco Marciuliano coined the term "market branding" after realizing the term "market searing" was just too graphic.

Francesco Marciuliano is never too busy to lift a bus off a baby.

Francesco Marciuliano is indeed the guy who created that thing you can't live without at your place of business or worship.

Francesco Marciuliano is a "very big picture" guy, to the point that time and space have lost all meaning to him.

Francesco Marciuliano may have played a significant role in the recording of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," depending on where his mother was during his first and second trimester.

Francesco Marciuliano can handle multiple tasks at once, having double-majored at Duke University in "English" and "Cloning."

Francesco Marciuliano is a remarkably creative type who nonetheless will never cajole the rest of your staff into attending his gallery opening, recital or haiku slam.

Francesco Marciuliano came up with the idea of Google after standing on a toilet to hang a clock only to slip and bang his head on the sink.

Ignoring the fact that Clue was already made into a movie over 12 years ago, the question remains--will people really want to sit through Monopoly: The Movie, which no doubt will run eight hours only to end in a big fight?

On the other hand, Stretch Armstrong: The Trilogy can't make it to theaters fast enough.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I have no memory of this Saturday morning cartoon at all (courtesy of the great animation site Cartoon Brew):

The animation house for Rubik, the Amazing Cube-- Ruby-Spears Productions--was also responsible for such early 80's cartoon cabochons as Mister T (Mr. T coaches a U.S. gymnastics team, solving mysteries between pummel horse competitions), Turbo Teen (teen morphs into Camaro when exposed to extreme heat, courtesy of secret lab car accident), Thundaar the Barbarian (Earth is destroyed in the far-off year of 1994 only to be reborn 2000 years later as a wizard-ruled wasteland) and Sass-quatch (cheeky Bigfoot gets in and out of all sorts of jams while solving Northwest crimes with three teens, their easily-frightened dog, the ghost of a Revolutionary War soldier, a talking VW van and a magical sprite only they can see, hear and taste).

FBI Profile

Pens the comic strips Sally Forth and Medium Large. Writes for The Onion News Network. Serves as head writer for the PBS series SeeMore's Playhouse (for which his script won two regional Emmys). Was afraid of the color yellow until about age nine. Tans a little too well to be trusted by security.

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Blog Mission Statement

A simple grilled cheese sandwich. Something that can be procured anywhere at any time. Nothing too exciting, right?

But what if I put a little butter on the bread before I grilled that sandwich? That would add a little extra zing, right? And what if instead of using plain old American cheese I opted for something a tad more exotic, like Camembert, Stilton or Roquefort? Now we're talking, right?

And what if instead of using bread for my grilled cheese sandwich I used two large blocks of pure platinum? And what if instead of eating the platinum I sold it and then used that small fortune as venture capital for a Beijing-based conglomerate that could take advantage of Chinese local business incentives, cheap labor, lax environmental laws and surging global interest in the fastest-growing economy in the world, thereby ensuring returns in the billions of dollars even in the face of a collapsing U.S. dollar and a massive industrial shift from the technical to service business sector? Wouldn't that be nice?

That's exactly what Francesco Explains It All is. In an endless buffet of indistinguishable tastes, it's the grilled platinum Stilton cheese sandwich that could forever destabilize geoeconomics. Care for a bite?