Many of you know of the difficulties between my wife and I. She considers us separated, but we still live in the same house. I really want to reconcile, but because of our problems (I suspect a 3rd party, again) she thinks I am not capable of change. I am working on my issues, but I am not solely to blame for this mess. My friend says that the way I should act towards her is to tell her I love her, help her and share my feelings/frustrations with her. My gut tells me she is getting off work early (bartender) and going out and has gone out on nights where she doesn't work. I have taken care of the kids (all day) while she sleeps and many other things that she has asked for help. I'm wondering if this is the right approach or should I do something else. I am not going to try to prove she is having an affair because after I discovered the first one, she continued to see him after she said she wanted to work it out. The only thing that can happen is that I worry myself about something I can't control. Our troubles come from trust, money, affairs, work and career issues. The one thing I am going to tell her is she should not go out on her day off because she sleeps the morning away and the kids have the run of the place (they are small). Should I continue to tell and show her I love her by doing things or should I stop doing things for her and make her 'pay to play'? Or any other thing I should be doing?

I would take the bull by the horns and deal with the suspected affair. I would try to find out what's going on, and take it from there. I'm sure you have a reason to suspect your wife is being unfaithful to you. I suppose you also have some leads to follow up on - cell phone records, text messages, where's your wife spending her time away from home, that sort of things. Once you find hard evidence and you confront her, she might or might not come to her senses. But get the ball rolling, collect the evidence, and confront her first if she is indeed cheating on you.

She is having affairs?
Or you had affairs first?
Your post sounds like you have a lot of trouble you are not telling us and like she already mentally left your marriage and maybe even the kids.
That latter is especially very wrong. And I think you need to go to therapy together or something. The situation like it is, is intolerable. No one should accept that their partner acts like a teenager, goes out drinking and has affairs.

You have to really confront her about where you are going from here, if indeed you have a common future.. if all trust is gone it might be difficult to even imagine that.

When she told me we are ‘officially’ separated, but living in the same house she closed out our cell accounts and we both have pay as you go phones. She keeps her phone and purse close to her and has changed her email accounts as well. I had some emails from her affair last year, but I deleted them. When confronted the first time she said she would go to counseling, but that is when the affair turned sexual. Plus, she works in a bar and nothing good can come from that with everyone hitting on her.

I am going to tell her I lover her every day, be there and help her, not snoop around for information because it only hurts me (she will do what she wants to do anyways), pray for her, pray over her for protection, and first and foremost be there for my children.

She agreed to talk to our priest, but she told me that she is going to tell him its over. Most of our problems are money and trust related - that’s why I’m not going to snoop. I just told her that I’m worried about her and to be safe.

She is having affairs?
Or you had affairs first?
Your post sounds like you have a lot of trouble you are not telling us and like she already mentally left your marriage and maybe even the kids.
That latter is especially very wrong. And I think you need to go to therapy together or something. The situation like it is, is intolerable. No one should accept that their partner acts like a teenager, goes out drinking and has affairs.

You have to really confront her about where you are going from here, if indeed you have a common future… if all trust is gone it might be difficult to even imagine that.

I have not had an affair. Yes, there are troubles - trust (me snooping from day 1), money, jobs, her education. We went to Retrovaille and had a good start, but she stopped doing the homework (said kids wont give her time before work) and she and the kids got ill so we stopped going after the 4th post session. Plus, she works at a bar from 5-2 a.m. four nights a week while I work during the day. She sleeps on the weekends when I am home.

[quote="Joseph_L_Varga, post:2, topic:235791"]
I would take the bull by the horns and deal with the suspected affair. I would try to find out what's going on, and take it from there. I'm sure you have a reason to suspect your wife is being unfaithful to you. I suppose you also have some leads to follow up on - cell phone records, text messages, where's your wife spending her time away from home, that sort of things. Once you find hard evidence and you confront her, she might or might not come to her senses. But get the ball rolling, collect the evidence, and confront her first if she is indeed cheating on you.

[/quote]

I've done that before, but it didn't help because when confronted and we went to the Church the relationship turned sexual. Plus she changed phones, accounts and the like and keeps them close to her. The only way to gather evidence would be to go up to her work and see if she got off early, but I'm not going to do that with kids in the car.

The only person you can control is you. Sounds like she is really not wanting to reconcile as long as she has another guy in the side, and you at home doing what she wants you to do.

I know you want to reconcile, but I wonder if you would be better off by ending the current situation which is beneficial to her, and allows her to continue to behave this way.

If you guys are "separated" (which, BTW, is there official paperwork, or did she just announce that she decided this?), perhaps you shouldn't be living together. Perhaps you should take a hard line and tell her either you will move out or she should.

I know maybe it's not what you want, but right now it sounds like she is having her cake and eating it too. If she doesn't want to be married to you anymore, she should face the consequences of that decision. As it is, she feels free to pursue other men, but meanwhile you are taking care of the kids and she doesn't have to worry about money, etc. It's not right. She may reconsider the arrangement if she has some real consequences to face.

You could tell her that you will not live with her and be her babysitter unless she is actively going to counseling with you and comes home after her shifts, and stays home with the kids on her days off. (You could make plans on those days so you are not available for her to go out and leave you with the kids.)

The only person you can control is you. Sounds like she is really not wanting to reconcile as long as she has another guy in the side, and you at home doing what she wants you to do.

I know you want to reconcile, but I wonder if you would be better off by ending the current situation which is beneficial to her, and allows her to continue to behave this way.

If you guys are "separated" (which, BTW, is there official paperwork, or did she just announce that she decided this?), perhaps you shouldn't be living together. Perhaps you should take a hard line and tell her either you will move out or she should.

I know maybe it's not what you want, but right now it sounds like she is having her cake and eating it too. If she doesn't want to be married to you anymore, she should face the consequences of that decision. As it is, she feels free to pursue other men, but meanwhile you are taking care of the kids and she doesn't have to worry about money, etc. It's not right. She may reconsider the arrangement if she has some real consequences to face.

You could tell her that you will not live with her and be her babysitter unless she is actively going to counseling with you and comes home after her shifts, and stays home with the kids on her days off. (You could make plans on those days so you are not available for her to go out and leave you with the kids.)

[/quote]

This is a very good post.. Sounds like the lady needs consequences. I also think that a man should not stay with a wife who is cheating again and again. It will give a very bad example to the children to see one parent so degraded both by himself and by the unfaithful spouse.

About the babysitter part. Lets be clear here. A father is a father, that is, a fulltime parent just like a mother is not a babysitter but a fulltime parent. It doesn't make sense to call a parent a babysitter

[quote="GraceDK, post:8, topic:235791"]
This is a very good post.. Sounds like the lady needs consequences. I also think that a man should not stay with a wife who is cheating again and again. It will give a very bad example to the children to see one parent so degraded both by himself and by the unfaithful spouse.

About the babysitter part. Lets be clear here. A father is a father, that is, a fulltime parent just like a mother is not a babysitter but a fulltime parent. It doesn't make sense to call a parent a babysitter

[/quote]

I called myself a babysitter because she is going out (even though the kids are asleep) and I'm at home with them. It seems she knows that I can't go out (work), so she is taking advantage of the situation. Since this has been going on I've been letting her sleep until she wakes up on the weekends (about 3 pm) at which time she gets up, showers, and goes to work again - she gets at least 10-12 hours of sleep on the weekend. I don't mind doing it becaus I love her and want her to be healthy, but again is she taking advantage of it? I do ask her every Sunday if she wants to go to mass, but she will not come.

[quote="C5180, post:9, topic:235791"]
I called myself a babysitter because she is going out (even though the kids are asleep) and I'm at home with them. It seems she knows that I can't go out (work), so she is taking advantage of the situation. Since this has been going on I've been letting her sleep until she wakes up on the weekends (about 3 pm) at which time she gets up, showers, and goes to work again - she gets at least 10-12 hours of sleep on the weekend. I don't mind doing it becaus I love her and want her to be healthy, but again is she taking advantage of it? I do ask her every Sunday if she wants to go to mass, but she will not come.

[/quote]

I would point out that she is being an unhealthy role model for the children in her behaviors and if she wants to continue her behaviors than she needs to find elsewhere to live. I know this will not help your marriage but it will help your children.

[quote="GraceDK, post:8, topic:235791"]
This is a very good post.. Sounds like the lady needs consequences. I also think that a man should not stay with a wife who is cheating again and again. It will give a very bad example to the children to see one parent so degraded both by himself and by the unfaithful spouse.

About the babysitter part. Lets be clear here. A father is a father, that is, a fulltime parent just like a mother is not a babysitter but a fulltime parent. It doesn't make sense to call a parent a babysitter

This is a very good post… Sounds like the lady needs consequences. I also think that a man should not stay with a wife who is cheating again and again. It will give a very bad example to the children to see one parent so degraded both by himself and by the unfaithful spouse.

Please find out if she is seeing someone else. I only wish my brother would take the above advice. He has been divorced for 3 years. His ex still comes over most every night, has a key & comes in as she pleases, has moved in & out 3 different times, just recently moved out again. My brother refuses to give up on his marriage. While the idea is noble & he takes his vows seriously, she doesn’t.

If your wife is not on the same page as you it will never work. She has to WANT to make it work. Doesn’t sound like she does. It is not good for kids to see this going on either.

I will pray for you. I will never understand why anyone brings in a 3rd party. It never helps the situation.