Dear Aunty Em: Gaydar

I would happily overlook George Michael’s propensity for cock if I could nuzzle his chest hairs

‘I made a comment or three about being wary of dating guys who turn out to be gay and my assistant asked me if I had had a scarring experience? No, I answered but I live in Sydney where there seem to be confused people dating all over the place.

My old neighbour was a psychologist who specialised in married men who are secretly gay and I’ve watched married guys hook up with men while away on conferences several times. I even had a Tinder match with a guy who is an out friend of my gay best friend.

Have I developed a freakish eastern suburbs phobia that makes me paranoid? Or is it just a reasonable assumption to make – that if you date a guy with a great haircut who happily takes you shoe shopping, you should check his pockets for receipts from Stonewall.

If so, is there a solution? Do I need to move to the North Shore or just adjust my thinking?’

– Paranoid Dater

Dear Paranoid Dater,

Oh boy, do I feel your pain. If there is a gay man within 100 feet, I am making dick jokes and slugging Champagne with him in no time. The problem is that sometimes these wonderfully fun blokes don’t know they’re gay. I could bore you with a list of my high school boyfriends but it’s quicker to just say don’t date the drama kids unless you want a lot of semi-famous gay friends in 15 years’ time.

Gay guys are the best. I am going to generalise here but most of my gay friends are wonderful dancers, excellent cooks and have magnificent style. Never have I seen a framed football jersey in a gay man’s apartment.

Add to this the sensitivity, humour and kindness forged by the challenges that being gay presents and you have a pretty damn sexy package.

Which brings me back to guys who don’t know they’re gay, or who do, but don’t want to talk about it.

There is one really easy way to find out if a prospective lover is gay: present him with a big, fat vagina. If he makes a sour lemon face and acts like a cat who has licked a chilli, dude is gay as a carnival.

On the other hand, if he reacts like a lumberjack at a bacon-eating contest, I can assure you he is straight.

Ambivalence about lady parts, and subsequent opportunities to dive into them, is generally the only clear tell as to whether a bloke is a homosexual.

Sexuality is an exciting continuum and drunk people at conferences and on Tinder tend to play with this line; the line between gay and straight, bi and try. The only 100% accurate way of knowing is the scientifically proven ‘Where would you like to put your dick?’ test.