Police were at a loss to explain why thieves removed the license plates of 32 vehicles in the Skinker-DeBaliviere neighborhood in the city's West End over the last few days.

A slow night.

And special good kudos for this insight that the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

"This is the first I've heard of anything like this," Sgt. Al Nothum, spokesman for Troop C of the Missouri Highway Patrol, said of the rash of license plate thefts.

"Maybe the thief is taking the plate to get to the tab later, but then, why not snip the tab off instead of taking just as much time or more to unscrew the plate?"

Wholly guacamole, the stunning ignorance on display here is twofold:

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch runs to the Highway Patrol for a comment? Of course the Highway Patrol hasn't heard of this. Stealing license plates/tags is a local offense; you would call the City of St. Louis police department or whatever municipality you live in when you discover someone in the Central West End has stolen your tabs

The state Highway Patrol is obviously unaware that the Missouri Department of Transportation recommends putting the registration tabs in the center of your license plate these days specifically to prevent people from cutting off the corners of license plates if the registration tabs are there.

Cut crisscrosses in your registration stickers, the thieves will snip the corner of the plate. Put the registration stickers in the middle of the plate, the thieves will steal the plates. Got any more good ideas, public officials?

Dear Doctor Creepy,
I've always enjoyed the privilege of being the creepy guy at work, which has meant fewer interruptions of a personal nature and less interaction with my annoying co-workers. However, the company has recently hired another fellow whose creepiness apparently is novel enough that I'm more normal by comparison. This means people are starting to stop by my desk to chat and are starting to invite me to lunches and happy hours. How can I regain my creepiness crown and enjoy merciful ostracization?

Signed,
Not Creepiest

Dear Not Creepiest,
As you well know, creepiness can come in a potion form, so look around the new creepiest person's desk to see if it's in a phial on the desk or in the drawers. If not, check the person's lunch in the refrigerator; if it has mayonnaise upon it, know that this often masks a creepiness potion, and you should lick the mayonnaise off of the target's sandwich (reassembling it afterwards, of course, to cover your tracks). This will give you the benefit of the elixir and deprive the target of its power.

Additionally, to improve your creepiness, remember the power of the mystical chant; this focuses your energy and chree, the mystical power of discordance that manifests itself as creepiness. I cannot tell you what mystical phrase works for you, but I'd recommend some simple, rhyming chant, perhaps even a nursery rhyme. You should chant this phrase to yourself whenever you're alone at your desk, in an elevator, or in the men's room (this works especially well for women). Remember, you can generate some kinetic motion from your chakras by rocking slightly as you chant. Try it now!

Finally, remember eye contact is key in communications. That is, you should never make it. Or you should stare. Don't do what the straights do, which is break eye contact every once in a while for comfort and then look into someone's eyes. Overdo it or don't do it, that's my motto.

But if you're going to chant a nursery rhyme, do make the eye contact.

Joseph Stalin allegedly said, "It's not who votes that counts. It's who counts the votes." However, what counts more is who determines what is voted on, and Robin Carnahan is casting enough doubt on the process to merit her removal next election.

Funding from passage of Amendment 3 will provide thousands of miles of smooth roads on Missouri's most heavily traveled highways, officials with the Missouri Department of Transportation announced today.

MoDOT unveiled the Smooth Roads Initiative, a plan to provide 2,200 miles of smoother pavement, brighter road markings and other safety improvements in three years. The initiative is the first part of a three-part plan to use Amendment 3 funds to improve the state's highway system. A map specifying the selected roads was included in the announcement.

"Missourians spoke loud and clear when they voted for Amendment 3," said MoDOT Director Pete Rahn. "By an almost four-to-one margin, they said they're not happy with current road conditions, and they want them fixed. Starting today, that's just what we're going to do."

Fast forward (or travel one day at a time like the rest of us) to August, 2007, not even three years later, and learn that despite the best efforts of the government, that new money ain't enough:

Missouri's top transportation official is canvassing the state talking about a "perfect storm" forming over his department.

Road construction costs are spiking, debt payments are ballooning, and at the same time, fuel taxes are generating slightly less cash and the federal highway trust fund is speeding toward a multibillion-dollar deficit.

Wow, who could have seen that coming?

The more you feed the government, the bigger it gets; the bigger it gets, the more it needs to eat. Ah, who cares about economics and an understanding of a bureaucratic nature. THE BEAST IS HUNGRY!

But I don't expect that there will be a groundswell to fix these issues since it's not everyone's grandmother getting railroaded like everyone's grandmother is starving and destitute. At least, that's how Congress characterizes them.