Cover from 1920’s issue . . . supposedly in the public domain but it might be good for business if somebody sued me.

Dear God,

I thought you’d like to know that I’m purchasing a large stack of those god-awful women’s magazines that they have at the hair salons. For every moment I am awake during the night, I will pour through them for rubbish. The more scandalous, the better. In fact, I’m going to keep a highlighter on my night side table (right beside my prayer book). Anything particularly racy I’ll mark so I can find it more quickly the next night. When that bores me, I’ll read up on important things like interior decorating tips and fad diets.

It’s not that I don’t like the time together. Those sleepless hours in the middle of the night are oddly some of my favorite times with you. The problem is sustainability. I appreciate that you sent your son as a human being who also needed sleep. Perhaps . . . well, I’m just saying, I notice that he came as a single man.

Truthfully, if I never had those long hours in the night, I’d miss them. I’m honestly grateful. It’s just too much of a good thing. I’m not trying to start a fight; I’m saying please give me chocolate on special occasions only. I’m saying, well, I’m rambling. I’m sorry. It’s easy to do when you’re tired. Deep breath. Focus. Main point. Retain. Main point. Rephrase with slow deliberate focus.

Dear. God. In light of the above. Would you consider a compromise position? One wakeful night out of seven? Two? You could take just as much time, but pack it into fewer nights. See where I’m coming from? I’m coming from the place where people need to sleep well for multiple nights in a row. Studies show this to be remarkably good for physical and emotional health, not to mention mental function and memory.

If I knew of studies measuring the impact of sleep loss on spiritual health, I would mention it. Still, I can pretty much guarantee that a steady diet of comparing my house, weight, hair, clothes, kids, and husband with the plastic people won’t be good for it. It’ll kind of be like waking me up to smoke or eat potato chips. Which are some other considerations if the magazines don’t do the trick.

We both know I’ll be suicidal after two nights of reading that stuff. So please. Please go for the sleep option before things get desperate.