Winokoor: A Bay Stater's alternative to corporal punishment

Chalk up another victory in the commonwealth for so-called progressive thinking.

When it comes to shoving utopian fantasy down the throats of constituents no one does it better than the lawmakers here in the Bay State.

Charles Winokoor

Chalk up another victory in the commonwealth for so-called progressive thinking.
When it comes to shoving utopian fantasy down the throats of constituents, no one does it better than the lawmakers here in the Bay State.

First it was the legalization of gay marriage in 2004, courtesy of a four-to-three vote by the Supreme Judicial Court and an all-too-willing legislature.

Now it’s a proposal to formulate and pass a law that would outlaw corporal punishment of any child under the age of 18.

Admittedly, I’m jumping the gun. Wednesday a preliminary hearing was held in the State House at which a 52-year-old Dorchester man reportedly gave riveting, personal testimony of a harrowing childhood — one that included sadistic beatings with an electrical cord and leather belt, at the hands of a mother who was similarly abused as a young girl.

It was brave of him to come forward publicly to reveal his painful story so parents today and tomorrow don’t make the same terrible error in judgement.

No one can logically argue that breaking a legacy of physical brutality in rearing children is a bad thing.

Kathleen Wolf, the 61-year-old Arlington nurse who recently made the proposal for the state to adopt an anti-corporal punishment law, is herself a mother of two.

She told me her effort should be interpreted more as an educational tool to raise awareness than as any literal law designed to punish parents for punishing their kids.

Wolf even said she had applied a light slap or two to her own kids when they were very young, evidence that she’s not holier than thou on the issue. She’s more concerned, and rightfully so, of things like belts and sticks being wielded in the name of discipline.
Add to that, if you will, a closed fist or overly hard slaps to the body of a little boy or girl. Heck, don’t forget unnecessarily rough and threatening verbal warnings while we’re at it.

And there’s the rub. It’s sensible enough to ban a parent, guardian or baby sitter from lashing out with something construed as being a weapon (closed fist included), but not so easy to restrain that bleeding-heart segment of Bay Staters from trying to control our every move.

I’ve come up with my own solution to prevent liberal do-gooders from legislating morality to those of us among the unwashed masses. It ensures that kids get just the amount of daily recommended discipline they need, while at the same time sparing mothers and fathers any unwanted pangs of guilt.

Frankenstein-like in conception (and just in time for the holidays), I call it The Evil Hand of Santa, or TEHOS.

A hybrid of that legendary and often parodied jolly, fat chap from the North Pole and Luca Brasi — the infamous and efficient, personal enforcer and hitman to Don Corleone in The Godfather — TEHOS is guaranteed to raise nary a welt to the backside of any obnoxious tike running amok in the mall, while also assuring mom and dad that they’ve done right by society.

For $49.99 a month (about what some people pay for cable nowadays), and a one-time activation fee of $199, you’ll enjoy the piece of mind that comes with knowing that, with a simple press of a button, you’ve unleashed every kid’s worst nightmare.

Because, you see, TEHOS, like Hal the computer in the movie “2001,” is a superior creation, tested and proven to be infallible — not unlike many idealistic denizens in our commonwealth.

But if there is ever a technical glitch (see Hal’s hissy fit) don’t blame me. At least not after the first 90 days when the warranty expires.