Records

Him

… and it’s freaking me out so much, but in a good way… in a very good way.

So something that has kept me holding on and has kept me happy is the date August 25th because that’s the day my favorite band, Fifth Harmony, is coming out with their album! And today they dropped a song out of nowhere.

It’s like they know me on another level… lol I’m kidding. But coincidence? The day before I took the SAT, they dropped their single. After having shitty feelings for a week, they drop a song on their album. I’d like to think it’s all written in the stars lol.

But when I heard this song, “Angel” it was weird because it took one replay to get all the lyrics and then another one (after the shock of the song) to connect it with my life. Because this song literally speaks out my feelings.

Has that ever happened with you? I know a lot of songs have done that to me and I love that feeling. But this song, it came when I needed it the most.

It says exactly how I feel about Phoenix and that whole situation. After almost a full week of knowing the truth about him and how he feels, this song came out just describing everything I want to say to him . I thought about telling someone because the personal connection literally shocked me… so where better to tell it than my blog?

So here’s the song (but it is explicit, just a warning in case you don’t want to hear that). I’m gonna connect my feelings with the lyrics now.

(The bold lyrics are the ones I can connect with, the italicized ones are just the general lyrics that I can’t connect to- but that doesn’t disregard my feelings to the song) *Slyly switches from first person to second person perspective*

Who said I was an angel?Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

I didn’t really connect these lyrics when I first heard the song or even when I saw the song title because why would the simple word “Angel” remind me of you? But then I remembered you used to call me that or some variation of that. I don’t know why, but you used to call me “Angelic legs” (Don’t ask, I DON’T EVEN KNOW lol) and then when I told you I could sing you called me “Angelic voice.” Then on our second hang out, I asked you what excuse you would tell your friends for being late to soccer practice and you said that an angel kidnapped you. It’s weird thinking of it now, I never thought much of your nicknames. But now thinking about it, what made you call me that? I’m far from an angel. Who called me an angel? Oh yeah, you did. But you were wrong. Now that you played me wrong, you’re gonna be proven wrong.

We were just a moment, nothing seriousNever really paid it any mindDrop the back side and paying attention

This was your perspective of what we were, right? You barely paid attention. Because if you did notice, all you did would be to hurt me… but I always forgave you because of what I felt. But I can’t do that anymore. Because if you’re not gonna give a second thought about me I can’t give one about you anymore.

Should’ve never not kept your wordWoulda had a reason to keep mineYou was too inconsistent

I would’ve kept my word. I would’ve followed through with everything I’ve told you… I would’ve if you hadn’t lied about everything you’ve told me. You never kept your word. Not when it came to big out-of-this-world promises, which is understandable. But when it came to small things like when you were going to text me back or when we were gonna hang out, you always left me hanging like a lost kid wondering what I did wrong. You were inconsistent. I kept giving you chances and you showed me so many sides of you that confused me as to who you actually were. If you were gonna be sweet or a full jerk. And you were never one side for too long. I didn’t know what the lie was and what the truth was.

Should’ve never crossed that line with ya

I shouldn’t have. I went into unknown territory thinking that this would make my heart happy. But looking back, I should’ve just stayed where I was.

Everything cool, just drinkin’ with ya

Way too young to be up in handcuffsWasn’t tryna spend my life on the phone with ya

It felt like I wasted my junior year being controlled by my feelings for you. I wasted so much time when I could’ve been having fun with my friends. I don’t want to be in handcuffs. Then there was this one time you called me back after I called you to ask how much the bus was after our second hang out. I remember as you talked to me I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with you. But you just wanted to know why I called and hung up (not rudely, I mean you said your regular “Be safe” bs) and it felt like we were on the phone for a long time but it was just one minute. If given, I would’ve talked to you on the phone for hours. After I took the SAT, I called you and we had a short conversation, I guess it would’ve been longer if I gave you details about the test and how I felt. But there was this feeling that I was bothering you so I gave you short answers. Maybe there’s a reason I never got my wish of spending “my life” on the phone with you. Because right now, if I hear your voice I might just break. Good thing I deleted your number off my phone.

Gotta keep it all 100 with yaThe original me wouldn’t’ fuck with yaAnd I was beginning to fuck with ya

This is oddly and coincidentally true. Back in freshman year when we were friends, you kinda creeped me out and when the teacher moved our seats you never talked to me again and vice versa. Back then, I didn’t really want to keep ties because I never knew what your intentions were. And now, when I was beginning to be more open with you and warm up my feelings, you pull the rug out from under me. Two years later, and I still don’t know what your intentions are. I should’ve kept the mindset of you that my freshman year self had (no matter how extra and over dramatic she was).

Who said I was an angel?Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

When you look at me, what do you see?Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be

What do you see when you look at me? I still don’t know. I don’t know what you saw when you played with me and stared at me for mintues trying to “read my soul.” You never told me what you saw. But I know, I’m more than you’ll ever be. I won’t ever play someone like you play/played me.

Who said I was an angel?

Yeah won’t lie, say I don’t lieYeah, I might’ve told a few lies, yeahWon’t lie, say I didn’t tryBut you’re only worth a few tries, yeah

I did lie sometimes to you, but only when it involved my true feelings. I could never tell you the truth about how I felt because I didn’t want to freak you out. And I tried. Through my feelings, I tried so hard to be your friend. But you hardly tried. I tried to the best of my effort to be a good friend to you but I can’t keep ruining myself for this friendship. You aren’t worth so many tries that it kills me inside. Where was your effort?

Track star, say that you’re running these streetsYou ain’t the only one running these streetsThey’re making grounds like I only wear cleats, yeah

Your ego never hid itself. But it never ruined whatever we had because, in the past, your ego could never come close to how sweet you were to me. So the ego was outbalanced by the sweetness. But with time, the sweetness went away and the way you cared about me changed. You always had this mentality of “I’m stronger than you and I know it. You can’t hurt my feeling no matter how hard you try.” You thought you were the one in charge of this game. And for a while, I let you take control but now it’s time to show you that you’re not the only one “running these streets.”

Should’ve never cross that line with yaEverything cool, just drinkin’ with yaWay too young to be up in handcuffsTryna spend my life on the phone with yaGotta keep it all 100 with yaThe original me wouldn’t fuck with yaAnd I was beginning to fuck with ya

Who said I was an angel? (But you was wrong, oh, yeah)

You were wrong about who I was. But I’m not surprised because you never put in that much time to correct yourself and find out who I really am. The fact that you said “I think I know you well enough to know when you’re lying or not” still pisses me off. Because no, you don’t know me that well. And you don’t get to be egotistical enough to think that because you know if I said those exact words to you, you would mock me.

Who said I was an angel? (Oh, I’m no angel, when you look at me)

The next time you’ll see me, I won’t be that angel anymore. I can’t be. I won’t put on a mask for the sake of whatever we had. You hurt me, I’m not gonna belittle my pain because of the way I feel anymore.

When you look at me, what do you see? (What do you see?)Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever beWho said I was an angel? (Who said I was, an angel?)

Who said I was an angel?(Who said I was an angel? Didn’t know the real me, I’m far from an angel)

Even though you wanted to know the real me and you got some pieces of her, you never got her. Because if you did know the real me, you would know you were hurting me and giving me the worst anxiety. You would know that I”m not this girl with her feelings in check and everything going perfectly for her.

Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah (Never took the time out, never had time to figure me out. When you look at me)

Like I said before, you never took the time out. If you put in even a little time to care… would that have been so hard? But apparently, it was. You didn’t have time to figure me out. Even though you have this “perception” of me figured out. You think you know me but you’re just making assumptions thinking I’m an angel. Maybe that’s why you keep thinking the way you treat me is okay… since I’m an “angel” I’ll forgive your behavior, right? And you blamed never taking the time out on your tendency to lose focus. I understand that— but when it comes to how crappy you treated me, it’s hard to think it’s all because of that.

When you look at me, what do you see? What do you see?Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever beWho said I was an angel? (Who said I was an angel? Oh)

That’s one of my favorite songs now. I connected thoughts and feelings I didn’t even know were there but yeah… I was just feeling all that so it all just came out. I might do this as a thing now because honestly, it was amazing getting everything out there. I forgot how that felt. And I literally just thought of a name for it, “Lyric Connection Reflection” It’s a mouthful but I really like it.

But tell me your thoughts, did you like the song? How do you feel about songs that seem to just speak from your heart? Any suggestions?

And some advice to leave you with: Connect your heart and feelings to music instead of sadness. It’ll make you feel so so so much better. Whenever I get a little tug on my heart I listen to music because I know it’ll be able to express my feelings in a way overthinking never can.

Whether it’s when you raise your hand to answer a question in school or it’s a mini-argument about opinions or facts with your friends.

It’s okay to be wrong. But it’s embarrassing. Our pride gets bruised and how the other person responds to the incorrectness is crucial to how we’re going to feel about being wrong.

Either way, being wrong sucks. But it’s okay to be wrong— because that’s how we learn.

But what if you were wrong about how a person felt towards you?

Do you know what that’s like?

If you don’t, you’re lucky. If you do, wow. It truly, honestly feels like crap.

It’s extremely hard to be shown the truth. Because your mind has already put this perception of “how they felt” in your mind and it’s hard to let it go. It’s like believing in something for a long time and then figuring out the mind-blowing truth. The only examples I can think of are Santa Clause and the tooth fairy but it’s deeper than child beliefs. It’s a person… and your heart.

If there are signs and memories involved. Woh, that makes the situation ten times tougher. There were, what seemed to look like, “hints” that your mind and heart considered. How you think they felt is of course backed by evidence and this is the evidence. How they acted towards you. How they talked to you, their word choice. It’s all considered. But now that the truth is out and they actually don’t feel the way your mind perceives— what’s to become of those signs now? What were they? Who was this person, really?

And to not only be wrong about how they feel but also about who they are? It’s horrible.

Especially if you let the person in and opened up to them in a way you’ve never opened up to anyone else. But that never mattered to them.

Actually, nothing involving you mattered to them. No matter how much your heart wanted to push that thought away, maybe it’s the truth. If it’s not, where are they to prove you wrong?

Maybe all those weeks of pushing for the relationship to keep standing, it was just always meant to fall apart. You can’t force something that’s not there… that doesn’t want to be there in the first place: feelings or friendship.

It takes two people to build and maintain a relationship and if you have to question the other person’s intentions and whether they care about you, not because you’re scared but because they never proved to have cared… there’s a problem. And if you have to guess their feelings based on signs— you know that there is a miscommunication somewhere.

It’s dark and depressing to be wrong about someone and the way they feel. So don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself. If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?

Don’t stay just to be burned. Trust me, this is coming from a girl who’s just been incinerated.

I knowww my blogging game truly sucks. But I’m going to try really hard. It’s like I stopped using blogging as my therapy and I miss it. I vaguely remember whenever I had feelings or emotions to vent, I always pulled up this page and it made me feel better. But so many factors have ruined that feeling for me. But I’m going to try harder.

And the worst part about the feeling? I know that I’m going to keep feeling it.

I don’t like talking to some of my friends about it. Becuase it feels like I’m being “overdramatic.”

Am I?

Am I just taking things out of proportion?

Would you feel the same way if… I don’t know how to give this story without context. But I don’t want to give context because I’m just so exhausted, not only over this issue but the fact that it’s the same damn person every single time. It’s the same person who makes me feel like shit.

I don’t think it even really matters what happened but more so how I keep letting it happen.

I keep forgiving Phoenix for everything he puts me through. And not because he deserves it or solely because I have feelings for him. But because I feel like my emotions aren’t valid.

I mean if I thought of him as a friend would I still be hurt over everything he’s done to me? I’m not actually sure. I feel like I would still be hurt but not as much.

But the problem is, he keeps hurting me. And I keep letting him.

Whenever I find a reason to be mad at him, it never sticks around. It’s an excessive disturbing cycle. I get mad, I might rant to some of my friends, I think of all the crap he’s put me through, I “think” I’m ready to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me, and then… he talks to me and I submit. All it takes is one mere act of him sending me a message and maybe at first, I’m like “You’re a piece of crap.” But eventually, he warms up to my heart again and the cycle restarts itself.

I’m tired.

I know I can never stay mad at him. But I should. Because he keeps treating me like I don’t have feelings. Just the other week I told him that he hurt my feelings (kind of in a joking way but also in a serious way) and he made it into this game and told me to “toughen up.” He’ll never take anything seriously. He thinks all my feelings and emotions are a game.

Whenever he tells me a lie, he never feels bad. He never thinks twice about hurting me.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

Word of advice? If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.

Have you ever wished you could take back something? That you could go back to the past and undo actions that turned out to be hell? Well if you have, hop in because we’re in the same boat and that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about.

This is my disclaimer to you because this is a long and complicated rant, so buckle in if you’re ready to hear how opening up to a guy turned out.

You guys know Phoenix right? No? You’re new? Well in summary: he’s the guy I like and my friend who I text daily.

If you’re not new, you might’ve responded with: “He’s the guy who cares about you so much, I like him- he’s a keeper!” Well… now I’m not sure about that.

So if you read the last post I did which involved Phoenix (Boy Rant: What’s Wrong) everything was going fine. It was actually good. I guess this was life’s cue to turn everything into crap.

I thought he cared. I thought he was different. I thought I could open up to him.

Urgh, I’m getting carried away with the end of the story.

So, the days before Friday we kind of just had a conversation about him asking me what’s wrong and me being vague about it not wanting to talk about it/not wanting to open up to him. And I thought that everything was going to be okay. We were back to our regular conversation of long paragraphs and jokes. But of course, I just had to ruin it.

On Friday, I felt horrible and depressed, for reasons that I already shared. I wanted to talk to someone. I thought of talking to the texting hotline I contacted that previous Monday, but I thought that it would be too sudden considering that I talked to them just 4 days ago (I should have). I didn’t have any friends to go to (Or I thought I didn’t).

Then I remembered that Phoenix was there. He told me that if I’m ready to open up he’ll be there.

So I did.

I didn’t care about my anxiety. I didn’t care about anything really because I was too sad to care about anything.

So I texted him (on snapchat) about all my thoughts and feelings (not how I feel about him). I said something along the lines of: Explanations of why I don’t want to bother you, this is why I don’t want to open up to you, why I’m sad, why life sucks for me… other stuff I can’t remember. I ended up sending 3 full page messages to him. I poured my mind and my heart (not the part that likes him) to him.

On a Friday Night.

I didn’t feel all “that” anxious sending him that message not only because I was too sad to care, but also because he told me that he would be there when I was ready to open up to him. So what was there to feel completely (because of course, I still have anxiety) anxious about?

Turns out, I should’ve been overwhelmingly anxious about it and thought twice about sending that message.

Saturday morning, I felt even worse. Not because of him, but because of my sadness. I went to church and I felt like crap. I kept annoyingly looking at my phone to see if Phoenix texted me, to see if he could help me from digging myself into a deeper hole.

He didn’t text me but I see that he did post something on his story. I didn’t completely look at it, but it was a picture of one of his friends. And I knew in that moment- that I messed everything up. The one major reason that I didn’t want to be open with him (that I actually TOLD him in the message) is because he. has. a. fucking. life.

He has friends, family, a passion. He has a life. And what did the broken girl do? She had to burden him with her problems.

So I did the only thing I could do to pause my life. I turned off my phone. Not only because of him but because of everything. I just wanted the anxiety of him, everything concerning him to be turned off for a while. I wanted to isolate myself from my friends for a while. I wanted to stop worrying and overthinking because it really wasn’t helping that I was already feeling crappy about life. I just wanted that dumb phone to be turned off.

That Saturday afternoon turned out to be one of the worst in my life, I don’t want to revisit it.

Saturday afternoon becomes night and I figure I should turn my phone back on because curiosity is a disease.

I see that some of my friends sent me snapchats, but of course, the only conversation I worry about is the one where I carelessly talked about my thoughts to someone I met only a few months ago. I checked it and what do I see?

Opened at 11:25 A.M.

(Not sure about the 25, just emphasizing a point) He opened my message that Saturday morning. The time I felt the worst about myself. The time I needed someone to care a little bit.

And the one person I reached out to didn’t even care. Is opening a vulnerable text message and just ignoring it considered as caring?

I waited. Because sometimes he opens my messages, saves them, and responds later. But I was too scared to check if he saved them.

I thought that he would reply on Sunday. Nothing.

I was a mess considering the whole thing. I couldn’t believe I actually did what I did. I thought maybe if I slept enough it could be a dream. Maybe if I didn’t check my phone too much he’ll respond.

I thought that he would reply on Monday. Nothing.

I felt even worse but I was going to go over to my best friend’s house to hang out so my day wasn’t complete crap because of my thoughts. It actually helped me from overthinking too much. When I got to her house my phone was dying and I kind of wanted it to die because then I wouldn’t obsess over that dumb notification, hoping that everytime I see it, it’s him.

When I got home that night, I went to bed right away only picking up my phone to charge it the night before the first day of school after spring break.

Tuesday morning. 6 o’clock. Back to the same tired and groggy school routine. I check my notifications and I don’t see his name until I open the app and see that he did, in fact, text me.

Last night.

He texted me the night before school started. That previous Monday night. I texted him that dumb message of my thoughts on a Friday night. He only texted me because school would be the next day and he knew that he would see me.

We don’t have any classes together but I always pick my friend up after first period, and Phoenix has the same first period as her so I always see him. But, of course, I already thought of a way to not see him.

Because how could I?

I was literally drowning that weekend and I reached out to him, and all I got was radio silence, or water in my lungs if this is a metaphor. I knew that once I saw him in person I would immediately forgive him, but I can’t do that to myself. I can’t just forgive him because he’s him.

So I texted the friend that I pick up and told her lied to her that I had to stay a while in my first period class and that she should just go to class because I don’t want to make her late. She told me that she was really sad that she didn’t see me. I was sad too, I wish I didn’t have to do that. I felt so so bad.

Of course, I never opened Phoenix’s message because:

A. He deserves it, I am a girl and I’m allowed to be a bit petty lol and B. I was scared.

Whenever I thought of his awaiting message I thought of all I’ve said to him. And my anxiety came crashing in each time I did that. I sent him an essay basically and all he did was toss it aside like a piece of trash or disregard it like a homework assignment.

So I talked to some of my friends about it.

One of my freshmen friends who doesn’t know him told me that I can never open up to a guy. And I try explaining to her that he’s different, but in that moment I couldn’t think of anything to differentiate him from every other jerk-y guy.

I talked to the friend that I was supposed to pick up after first period about it and I asked her if maybe she could pick me up instead of the other way around. And she agreed, she didn’t even question it at first. After explaining to her which hallway my class was in, she then asked why. I told her it was because of him, who she knows because they have the same first period (I hope you’re able to understand these details ahh).

She’s not really his friend. I was kind of hesitant about telling this friend because I thought that she would tell him because when all three of us had the same class together last semester she loved to tease me about our friendship and how it’s something more. Even though I never told this friend I like him lol she just made fun of the fact that Phoenix was my friend. So I asked her not to tell him what I said and she said she wouldn’t and she doesn’t even talk to him.

It’s Tuesday night and I still have an awaiting message from him that I never opened. Even though he took 3 days to reply to me, doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to do the same to him. I felt bad for not responding in 12 hours. But I really didn’t want to open that message without someone. It was also easy to disregard the message this day because I was watching some movies at my friend’s house.

Wednesday morning.

The message is still there. I know, I know. I should just open it. But I can’t. What if I’m not prepared for what he would say?

It’s fifth period and my only in-school friend who knows that I like him is in this class. I thought about telling her about it, and also thought about the repercussions. But I mean how bad could it be talking to her about it?

So I tell her about the whole “What’s wrong” thing and she says “Aww” at first, but then I keep going with the story. And at the end oof the story, which is him opening the message and not responding until days later, she doesn’t know what to say. She tried telling me that I did nothing wrong.

But. why. do. I. feel. like. I. did?

Like it was my fault for opening up to him, even though he said I’ll be here when you’re ready to open up.

Then she asks me what his message said and I tell her I haven’t opened it.

Now you should know this about my friend, she’s very chill about things and she doesn’t like overthinking something too long. For example, yesterday she went on a field trip and the bus broke down and all her classmates were complaining about being late and other stuff and she was just like “Oh well, it’s not like the world’s ending.” She doesn’t like keeping her mind set on one problem, which is something I absolutely admire about her. But, of course, I’m an overthinker. She doesn’t even overthink about guys, especially about the guy she likes, she knows that she doesn’t have a chance with a guy but she’s perfectly o.k.a.y. with it.

Now that you know this, it makes sense that my friend wants me to simply open the message and see what it says. I tell her I can’t, I’m not chill like her. So she tells me she’ll read it for me. Minutes pass by as we try to listen to our teacher and she has some stories to personally share, her life is always interesting lol.

Then I open the message because being near her just made me create this mindset, “Let me just get it over with,” lol. So I slowly open up the message, and what do I see?

What was I constantly worrying about? What was I scared and anxious to open?

A dumb screenshot. He sent me a fucking screenshot.

I don’t know how many of you have snapchat, after this I’m thinking of deleting it, but you can watch these videos/articles (they call it stories) from like magazine brands like People or radio networks like iHeartRadio. It’s basically an electronic version of a magazine. And he sent me one of those stories and on it said: “You’re putting on chapstick wrong.”

You’re. putting. on. chapstick. wrong.

I was racking my brain worrying over how vulnerable I was and how he would respond and he sends me a fucking magazine article about putting my chapstick on wrong.

I hate cursing, I only do it when I’m mad. But why wouldn’t I be mad?

Wouldn’t you be mad?

If you opened up to someone you’re scared to open up to, you’re scared of what they say… but they just throw it aside like a used tissue, as if nothing ever happened.

I mean really, what happened?

I know I don’t know his side of the story. But I can’t just convince myself or lie to my heart that me opening up to him never happened- like he is supposedly doing. I mean it happened. As much as I want to sleep it untrue, it happened. But he’s acting as if I didn’t just send him a whole essay on my dark thoughts.

Did it really mean nothing to him that I was opening up a broken piece of myself? Did he just read the message and think “Nah, I don’t want to get caught up in this bullshit.”

I don’t know. I don’t know what he thought. But either way, it hurts. I don’t care what I’ve said in the past about him caring because as of right now, he doesn’t. As of right now, I want to hurt about this and be pissed at him even though he doesn’t know I’m pissed at him.

I want to be pissed at the one guy who seems indefinitely perfect in a world full of jerks. Makes it easier for me, huh?

Back to the story, my chill friend was going to respond to him with “No response to my rant?” but I didn’t want her to send that to him. So instead she wrote, “Mmmkay that’s nice.” Even though I wanted to say worse things or nothing at all.

And I don’t know why, but I thought I would get a response to that mmkay message. I didn’t. He just opened my message (this afternoon). I don’t really care about him just opening the mmkay message, it was nothing.

But when I saw that “opened” it felt different. I always had a feeling whenever he left my messages on open that he would later reply. But I have a feeling that he’s not going to reply to this one. Or reply at all…

I’m not just mad, I’m heartbroken. I was thinking of being blunt with him about it and just talking to him, but of course, he updated his snapchat story. For those who might not know a snapchat story is for all your friends to see, not just one person. I thought I should watch what he says before making another risky decision. Basically, the story was him talking about some soccer player.

Nothing, right? No.

This is his passion. His life. The last thing he needs is a girl asking him why he did the heartbreaking thing that he did. He doesn’t need burdens. He doesn’t need drama.

He doesn’t need me.

Look at what I did. I fell. Did I only open up to him because I like him? Because I thought maybe what he had to say would fix me? I don’t know. Maybe. I thought that maybe he actually cared like he always told me he did. Maybe I was falling too hard and I needed to catch myself before it got too severe. Too late.

Maybe I just wanted someone to be there for me and I thought him saying that he’ll be there for me to open up is the reason he was put in my life because of course, I have to believe in the dumb “things happen for a reason” philosophy. Maybe he’s a special friend, that’s why he’s still my friend and hasn’t left (don’t speak too soon). I just wanted to talk to someone, I just needed to get things off my chest.

So I ran to the person who told me he cared, but he doesn’t.

He just acted as if nothing happened.

Maybe you’ll tell me I should talk to him about it. But how can I? Imagine if you did the same thing:

Being vulnerable once was something, but twice?

I wish I could be my chill friend and be like “It’s not that deep,” but it is for me, and I don’t know how to change that.

Phoenix intentionally hurt me. He’s unintentionally hurt me when he was always with his ex-girlfriend. But this time, he did it on purpose.

And it hurts. So. Much.

I told him in my dumb, vulnerable message that I would understand if he left once he read that message- but I don’t understand.

I know now. Opening up to him was a bad decision. A bad decision I can never take back.

And the worst part is, that if he reaches out to me, I’ll just forgive him as if him hurting me was nothing. But I can’t keep repeatedly hurting myself. I can’t keep giving myself scars because I want to keep this guy in my life.

It’s hard enough trying to avoid seeing him in the hallways considering that my heart really wants to see him. But I can’t. I don’t want to do that to myself. I’m here heartbroken, while he’s there unfazed. I care so much about him, I even feel bad for wanting to share my feelings with him. But he…

One thing that I really like about my friendship with Phoenix is that he actually tries. We barely see each other but he makes sure to keep our text conversation going on snapchat. I mean I don’t think I’m currently talking to any friends who don’t have the same classes with me except him (and my best friends).

Phoenix kinda has a way of proving my anxiety and overthinking wrong. For example, when he leaves my messages on open and my mind is already considering 10039349 reasons as to why he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore, he proves those reasons wrong by replying to those messages a few hours later.

On Monday morning when I was having one of my bad days, he texted me. I opened his message and I didn’t really know what to say. I usually reply to him in these long paragraphs, but this time I didn’t really have anything to say because I was really depressed. So I tried replying to his messages as best as I could but my long paragraphs were cut short.

A part of me wanted him to suspect that there was something wrong. But of course, why would he suspect something’s wrong? He can’t read my mind. I thought that him suspecting that something was wrong was just another one of my heart’s ridiculous scenarios.

Turns out my heart’s ridiculous scenarios… actually turned out to be right.

He replied to my messages with, “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

When I read that I freaked out and dropped my phone. Literally. Was I in one of my out of this world scenarios? No… I don’t think so. Everything felt pretty real.

He asked it. He wasn’t actually supposed to ask it. My bizarre “What if” scenario wasn’t actually supposed to happen. It was supposed to be just that… a made-up scenario.

He actually could tell that something was wrong.

Well of course me, being the curious and hard to let in person I am, had to reply to him with a simple, “Why do you ask that?”

He said that he was wondering and again asked me what’s wrong. I told him that everything is good and nothing’s wrong.

It was a half-lie because at this point in the conversation I was feeling better and nothing was wrong.

Honestly? I didn’t want to open up to him.

Because I knew that once I opened up to him I would then depend on him and I couldn’t depend on him. Especially whenever I crawl into my hole of darkness. He’s not going to always be there for me. He has a life and the last thing he needs is to burden my problems. He doesn’t need me coming to him about my problems. One day, he’s just going to leave- like everyone else. I especially can’t tell him if the only reason I’m telling him is because I have feelings for him.

So when he asked me if I’m sure that I’m good I told him that I am sure. And then, even through all my thinking, overthinking, and the above feelings… of course, I told him that something was wrong that Monday morning but I’m good now (it’s Wednesday now). But I didn’t go into detail.

He didn’t push. I thought he would push to know the details, but he didn’t. I didn’t want him to push. He just said he had to make sure I was okay and that I know that he cares.

He said he’ll always be there for me and more things that don’t help with my feelings.

Something I’ve figured out about myself is that I don’t like opening up to people. I kind of already knew that for a long, long time. I always thought it was because I didn’t want to bother people. That’s half of the reason.

The other half is that I don’t like being too serious about things. If you found that kind of shocking, I found it kind of shocking too. Because I mean here and there I’m kind of serious and deep on my blog. I mean I talk about my darkness and my thoughts. I am mostly serious on these blog posts (except a few jokes and lol’s here and there). Maybe it’s easier because I’m not only Rebecca on this blog, but I’m also hopelesslystrong (Does that make sense?) It’s like I’m the person my words and inner thoughts convey me to be.

But I absolutely hate being serious to people. I mean take this for an example: I can talk about my feelings for Phoenix all I want on this blog, but when he got brought up in a conversation with my chemistry friend (Who I told about Phoenix only because I 100% trust her) it got really awkward and I realized I definitely CANNOT talk about my feelings face-to-face with someone. I mean it just felt weird and again, awkward.

It’s just easier to say serious things on here and it’s comfortable. But I hate being serious to people I know. So when Phoenix asked me these questions I just wanted us to go back to our regular conversations of joking around. I’ve never had a friend like him. I mean I have friends who care about me and want to know what’s wrong, but none of them have ever suspected something was wrong. I always have to come to my friends telling them something is wrong. But he’s different. This is the same way he figured out I had anxiety. He figured it out. While I had to tell my friends (the ones who know that I have anxiety) that I have anxiety.

I even told him all this- that I don’t like being serious and I don’t really open up to people.

Now there’s something wrong. I’m growing comfortable with him. And I don’t know if it’s a bad thing or good thing.

There was a guy I liked who I was trying to move on from before I got to know Phoenix. And I knew what was bad and what was good. But he was different, he was the complete opposite of Phoenix. Like my perceptions of who I wanted this guy to be is exactly what Phoenix is. So I’m a little confused here.

I have no idea where this will lead and that kind of unsettles me. But it would be boring if I knew how this was going to end. But I don’t know.

I mean caring about me like the way he does… I don’t know. I’ve never had a guy like him who I can trust and joke with at the same time.

I don’t know if I should fall for him or if I should just stay friends with him- I don’t know what’s a bad decision or good decision anymore.

I don’t know what I should be more excited about: The fact that I’m done with the 30 hours of classroom education of driving school (which is why I’ve kind of been inactive for the past 2 weeks) or the fact that it’s finally spring break!!!

I think I’m more excited about the second one, as you might be able to tell from the bold.

So this is kind of a life update, not just a week update. Because of driving school AND school, I haven’t been able to catch up with you guys or myself. How’s everyone been?

So driving school was a lot of work. I had to come home from school, do homework for the 3 hours I have, before going to driving school and coming home at 9. The first week (which was last week) was really tiring because it was the second to last week before spring break so of course, teachers were cramming in tests, quizzes, and essays. Not only because of the nearing spring break but also because the end of the third quarter was coming too.

As of this morning, my grades are actually pretty good, but I’m glad the grade book is closing up. Because, I kid you not, all of my grades are either B’s close to A’s (which frustrates me) or A’s close to B’s (which gives me anxiety, hoping that my teachers aren’t done entering work in). Imagine seeing an 89.0% (B grade)and literally, all you need to get an A is an extra .7% to make it an 89.7% this grading system/school system really pisses me off, but that’s for another post in the near future.

The second week of driving school, I just wanted to get out of there. The teacher noticed I didn’t talk much (thank you social anxiety) so he called me out about it during class and said he would take off participation points (which he can’t do) so that made me feel horrible. But he didn’t mention it again and just let me be so that was okay. But honestly, I’m glad it’s all over. I just need my 6 hours of instructional driving.

In piano class, I had a recital that I was in no way prepared for because I didn’t know what to play. I’ve been learning “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri but I didn’t learn the whole 7-page song so I thought I would just do a song out of our piano book. But of course, I didn’t learn the book page piece until the day of the recital. Weirdly, I wasn’t anxious about my piano recital the night before, just the moment of it actually happening. So other students went to play their recital before me, and they played half of their songs, so I thought why not do “A Thousand Years?” I mean I’ve memorized the whole first part because I’ve been working on it since maybe November. Of course, my teacher called on me and it was like a minute before the bell rang. Well, my heart was pounding, but, I don’t know, the minute my fingers touched the piano and the sound came out it was like all the anxiety kind of faded away and it was just me and the music. I messed up my last note, but who doesn’t make mistakes here and there?

I went to a college fair as a high school field trip. This was my first field trip since 8th grade lol. It was kind of stressful. If anyone doesn’t know, a college fair is a place where students go to meet 100+ colleges with their booths set up in a reception hall or building. Well, there were 300+ colleges at this fair and there were so many buildings. The guide said there were 3 buildings but it felt like there were 10. (If you think 10 is an exaggeration I was about to say 20) Plus schools from all around the county came, so that’s 20+ schools. And you know what the worst part of it was? We only had 90 minutes. Plus we had to go in this alone. Well not alone alone, I was with my best friend. At first, we were both lost. Lol we actually walked out of one building and then walked into the same building but from a different side. But honestly, having her by my side gave me sanity and she made sure I got to go to the booths that interested me. If she wasn’t there I would just be hiding in a bathroom somewhere. I wish I had more time but I think I got enough brochures from colleges and settled on going to a college close to home or close to my state.

The day before the college fair, my friend literally saved me. I was stressed because I just had a meeting with my counselor about college. And there are SO MANY THINGS you have to do before applying. I mean it’s not just the SAT and a recommendation letter. So my friend helped me narrow down what I should be based on what I want to be and she gave me this website (lol she said that applying for the website was my homework) which will help me narrow down my choices and see where I should go.

Phoenix. I haven’t really been talking about him much. Well, not as much as I used to. I used to give weekly updates on everything going with him. Well, trust me, things are still very much complicated. He’s become a better texter time-wise. Last Sunday, he replied more than 5 times, on. the. same. day. So that helps my feelings. Then this past Monday, he saw me on the staircase at school and he tells me that he wants to hang out with me over Spring Break and we should text each other about it. I don’t really think it’s going to happen because I am still a girl with Indian parents. But, I mean, he really wants to hang out with me? And then he tells me little things while texting me that just make my heart want to explode. He’s doing something to me, I don’t know.

So, while texting, he said that our small interactions (because we barely see each other face-to-face, but sometimes we see each other for a few seconds) make his day. And he likes seeing me and teasing me. I told him that if it makes his day then mission accomplished and I like seeing him too. The teasing could be minimized though but I still like it. Then he tells me that he knew I liked the teasing and I told him I just said that so I wouldn’t sound too mean. And then he said your smile tells me otherwise. I don’t know it’s just things like that…. and then the fact that even though we barely see each other he doesn’t let go like everyone else so easily does. He actually tries in our friendship. I don’t want to ruin a great friendship.

But I mean he’s perfect. He’s perfect for a girl with anxiety. He told me that he doesn’t like parties. We were planning to go to a school play together but he couldn’t go, and he texted me saying that instead of going to the school play we should’ve gone somewhere where we could watch the beautiful sunset. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. Life really isn’t giving me a break. At least give me someone I can d.i.s.a.g.r.e.e. with. Then I told him that my dream one day is to just get away from the city and the people and the loudness and just look up at all the stars and their beauty, how I’ve never seen but a handful of stars and I wanna change that. And you know what he said?? Please, guess. I’ll give you a second.

Did you try? Please at least give it a try?

Ok, I won’t push you anymore. He said finally something great about you (he jokes around with me a lot don’t take this part seriously) that should be our goal for the summer or before the semester ends. We should make it happen. Yep. Yep. Yep. Of course, now it’ll be so easy to convince myself that we’re just friends (catch the sarcasm?) It’s like this past week I’ve just fallen deeper. Literally, the moment after I said I want to move. on. Hello Life, are you listening?

I don’t want to fall deeper. At least I don’t think I want to. I mean yes, he’s a great guy. He says so many sweet things. But he also friend zones me a lot. And I don’t know how much I can read between the lines before I just sdklfjlsdkf (that was me blowing up). And honestly, liking him isn’t good for me. It gives me so much anxiety. Plus, I hate some random girl I don’t even know just because she’s his ex-girlfriend and best friend. What is wrong with me? I didn’t even realize I was so absorbed in this nature of jealousy. I don’t know anything about this girl to hate her, apart from the fact that she was in my biology class last year for one semester, but I didn’t even pay that much attention to her (because if I did it would be weird, she was just another high school classmate) so I can’t even say she’s a bad person. Because she’s not. Yes, it hurts seeing them together but that doesn’t mean I have to hate this girl- which is what I’ve been doing for the past few months. And I hate hating people. I don’t want to hate her just because of my heart.

I just want to focus on myself. I need to. I need to think about who I want to be where I want to go in life. For one second I need to think of my well-being instead of worrying about what others think about me. I need to make sure I feel loved by myself and I’m proud of my own achievements.

This is why I’m excited about spring break. I’m just so ready for a break. I’m ready to destress for a little bit and take care of myself. Today itself, I took a nice shower and painted my nails and watched a movie. That might not seem like much, but it was a lot for me. I took care of myself. I did what makes me happy. I could forget about my worries for a second, and I think that’s all that matters right now.

«Music Friday»

One Time by Marian Hill

I’m so obsessed with Marian Hill. Their music is different from anything I usually listen to, which is why I love it. I first hear about them when they did a song with Lauren Jauregui, from my favorite band. Then I just started listening to that song on youtube in piano class and the autoplay thing on youtube was on and I was too lazy to stop it so I just listened to their music. One of the best decisions I’ve made. If you like this song, you should stream their whole album on Spotify, it gives you chills.