Sunday, September 27, 2009

discussions.

today jake and i had a discussion. one of those discussions that you hate but find necessary to have. those kind of discussions that if halted leave one (when i say "one" know that i really mean me) often feeling anxious, hurt, wondering and a little too vulnerable.

it's one of those discussions that often starts out with a sense of innocent insecurity which when aggravated will (and does - trust me) grow, fester, bubble and turn hot - and not the kind of "hot" one wants in their relationship with their partner. am i alone here?

so jake sped ahead on his bike and i putzed in anger as we began our trek to the water (ahhhhh - never leave me fresh beautiful water). eventually catching up to him i greeted him with a "why are you acting like an asshole". note to self - that is not the best, most mature, or loving way to greet someone after a moment of anger. what can i say - i was really, really angry and hurt. i at least said it in a calm manner - does rationalizing and justifying take wrong words back?

from there we had a discussion, if you will.

one of those discussions that when you're committed to the process, is life giving, rewarding, encouraging, engaging and healing. i am assuming when not committed to the process (or the person) leaves you feeling all of those experiences mentioned above (anxious, hurt, wondering and a little too vulnerable).

three years in we are finding that we are having those discussions more often as we try to negotiate who we are as partners during this season in our relationship.

it's a difficult thing when you're running around trying to beat traffic (ahhhhh - please leave me chicago traffic), studying for the next exam, making dinner, preparing breakfast, visiting neighbors, trying to sleep and attempting to have life giving relationships with God and friends outside of marriage.

really - sometimes this marriage/partnership is simply annoying. discussions take time. showing another person love takes time (and energy and creativity that i often lack because i don't take the time). engaging in the process of love takes precious, sacred time.

this is the thing though - i have a committed partner. i have a partner who, through honesty will work (and stubbornly force me not to avoid) and wade through really "assholish" moments, feelings, and life seasons. i have a partner who is committed to the discussions and processes of learning how to be a better partner which brings me/us life, is rewarding, encouraging, engaging and healing.

so, although discussions do take time - i'm here today to say that they are worth every annoying moment of it, when working through it together as partners committed to the process.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

dirt & paint

our neighbor Elaine often shares that she is perfectly okay with her home being dirty. and it is. dust bunnies, caked on dirt in corners and untouched spaces, dust, plaque, and various pieces of collections and shit (as her husband John likes to call it) everywhere.

you would think that with this self awareness of how dirty ones home is would lead one to clean their home. if you think that - which i totally do - you think wrong. this is the deal - Elaine's mom was a cleanaholic. she cleaned everything all the time, everywhere. even places where no one would think to look (i.e. under the bedroom dressers, in the cabinets under the bathroom sink - you all know you don't often clean these space, come on!). Elaine reasons her lack of cleaning desires by rationalizing sharing that she did enough cleaning in her younger years (through force from mom) to fill her for a lifetime. reason enough i guess.

i have this thing about our nasty apartment home. there is no way i could be like Elaine's mom in this apartment. i would literally go insane. i know i've mentioned this in previous posts, but bear with me for a moment if you will.

i think the reason i have been recently fixated on our home not being "clean" or welcoming is because of it's lack of cleanliness - or should i say presenting lack of cleanliness because we clean & wash with regularity - but the crap & plaque on the walls just won't come off!. it really drives me crazy sometimes because i feel (again - please feel free to affirm the insanity here) as though our home is not welcoming because it is so, so... sticky. which in the end makes it not feel like a "home" to us.

the hot pink, peach, yellow and baby blue walls are not our own; the ready-made furniture with holes, stains, and flaws (with the exception of the computer desk) are not our own; the beds that make a ridiculous amount of noise every time we have sex is not our own; the plastic & wooden dressers that don't match, stack or really serve the storing purpose are not our own; the fake marble shelves are not our own; and well, most everything else is not our own either.

it does not represent us, who we are, what we love, or how we would live if we were to walk into an empty space and make it our own. something that defines us, identifies us, or welcomes us and others home at the end of some very long days.

now, don't get me wrong here. i know that my/our identity is not in our home and who knows if we will ever feel at home in a structure with walls. i am aware that in feeling this way there is a part of me that simply just needs wants affirmation from others that we have a cool place that represents us, welcomes them and is comfortable for all. i totally get this and the fact that i am, in fact, looking for affirmation in the wrong place.

still, our home is nasty. so - for all: we took pictures and did a little work today (after going to get dunkin' coffee).

who was this guy who lived here? did he EVER clean?

after our paint job -we're still deciding if we really like the color or not.i think i may be leaning toward yes.

this is the thing - Elaine & John's home is one of the most welcoming homes i have been in. you (okay - i) notice the dust bunnies floating around, the dog hair all over the couch, the dust building on their pez collection, frog collection, spoon collection, thimble collection, video collection (you get the point) - but what you really notice is the dinner cooking on the stove, your favorite snack (monga bread!) waiting for you in the cookie jar and the soda (such a treat!) in the freezer getting cold just for you.

i'm hoping that this paint job will help affirm me in my need to have a clean house and make the best of this temporary home(?) here. i will try to follow in Elaine's footsteps and not base my worth and ability to provide a welcoming home based on the cleanliness (or presenting cleanliness) of our home(?). but maybe this paint job will help me in this.

p.s. you should also know that Elaine & John's bathrooms are super super clean all the time. that's John's thing and he does it well.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

it was one year ago today that i took this job - Program Director (it still sounds kind of sexy to me).

three evenings ago (in the midst of another breakdown) jake and i were chatting, dining, comiserating, comforting, laughing and enjoying. then out of the blue he throws out the big idea of regret.

"When we moved here we had it right," he says. " but somewhere along the way we lost that."

now - i have to say, we haven't totally gone against everything we believe in. in taking a quick inventory (although i have been thinking about this for quite some time now) of how we currently spend our time, energy, etc. (really, who doesn't do this? - is it pretentious to ask that?) we found that when things, ideas, relationships, and energy started finding themselves headed in the wrong direction was one year ago when i took this job.

get this: when we moved to chicago we were hell bent on not working more than 5 miles from our home (we would only extend it a few miles if absolutely needed). this was (is) great! i rode my bike to work everyday, i went to work early for peace and prayer, i left work at 5:00pm and was home by 5:17pm. i was able to spend the entire day with those who i love most and was challenged most by. i spent evening with friends. i didn't do weekends. i laughed all the time. i had wonderful (& feisty) co-workers who i had growing and frustrating relationships with. it wasn't always peaches and creme but i could always see peaches growing and watch the creme churning.

on that note: i also was forced into participating (on various levels) in some unethical practices - which is why i made the decision to leave in the first place. i am all about the loving & helping & doing it in a professional manner that empowers the clients, their families and society. i am not all about manipulation, taking advantage of the poor, and not offering quality service in the name of ego and and pride. so i left.

i left for a job (with a bit more money and a bit more prestige) 22 miles away in the western burbs. i left addicts for children (whom are not that different if i say so myself) and traded in counseling for management. i went from working 40 hrs. to 55-60 on any given week. i traded an 8a-5p work day to a 7a-6:30p day. i received life and exercise from riding my bike to work and now find myself in the car over 2 hours daily commuting and traveling (and there is so much more i hate about this outside of the time commitment). we went from having friends over on a very regular basis to almost the extinction of hospitality in our home.

compared to one year ago - i am a much much more unhealthy person than i was one year ago.

this is the thing though - now i am aware. right (please affirm here)? not all is lost, this year (which is going on it's 2nd go around - gotta be the sugar mamma through June 2010) i am setting boundaries, hoping for less chaos and a lot less of people who create chaos. i have the program up and running with materials ready, management of resources and people and kids in place.

there is still much (actually more than much but i'm choosing not to make a list right now) more to do but i feel confident in this coming year.

so tonight i will drink a mike's pink hard lemonade, say cheers to a year gone by and look toward this coming year as a hopeful year of bringing myself, my relationship with others, my relationship with God, and my relationship with Jake into a right and healthy relationship once again.

so save the date - September 15th, 2010 we're going to celebrate in high style a year of healthy living. the mike's pink hard lemonade will be on me.

Friday, September 11, 2009

from experience i can tell you it's a strong (& proven) alternative to coping with reality. sometimes alternatives are good options as far as i'm concerned.

sure, i was a drug & alcohol/addiction counselor for 8+ years. yeah, alcoholism runs in the family. and still - alcohol and the concept of drinking and the emotions and the feelings, experiences and sensations...i can't help but want to run into the kitchen, grab me a Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade (i just lost all credibility, didn't i?) and drink my mind & heart into oblivion.

i've never done it before - drink myself into oblivion that is. i guess most things that are unknown (like drinking to forget and really forgetting) are sexy, even when you know the reality and truth behind that actions and have to still work with the consequences long after the forgetting has been forgotten.

tonight i came to the understanding (not for the first time and surely not for the last) that money always equals power (power being of a flexible measurement).

always.

does that mean that when one doesn't have money, they can't have power - oh contrair' - those who don't have money can still have power, it just doesn't get them anywhere.

i think i would like to stick to the middle of the road on this one.

i don't want money - keep it, give it, spend it, invest it. it makes things too complicated.i also don't want to be a person who feels powerful for the wrong reasons - whether that involves the spending or giving of money.

Monday, September 07, 2009

i also don't have a four burner stove. i have a stove but it's one of those plug in, quick find, hot plate stoves that colleges warn you about and sometimes ban due to their tendency to start fires.

what i do have is this: i have a rusty and stained kitchen sink. and it's not only the sink - it's the entire structure that rusty = looking as if jake & i haven't wiped it down in years leading to dripped, strained, unattended to pure neglectful rust.

i also have a brown/maroon & off-white flowered linoleum (or what use to be) kitchen floor. there really is not a word for it besides gross.

after over two years of living here and vacuuming on a quite regular basis (because although you would think that because of the variety of colors in our carpet nothing would show - everything shows) we are STILL, yes still, vacuuming up cat hair and a variety of treats left for us to enjoy from the previous tenant.

jerk.

i've been ruminiating in my mind over and over again over the past month about the role of this blog and whether or not we should continue keeping it up (which if the past is any evidence of the future - we really stink at this whole blogging thing). the only times i feel energy calling me to write is when i'm in a lull or energy and/or spirit. other times i just want to keep what is circling around us/me sacred. hold it tight. not let anyone in.

this is the conundrum - i don't want this to be a dumping ground for that which is sore, sad, static, sorry. there are so many friends out there who fill their blogs with love, amazing energy, fantastic insights, laughter & connections to a bigger world. i am not one of these. but i want to be one of these. yet - that is just not what/who i am at this keyboard.

so i'm trying to figure out what to do with all of this.

i tried posting pictures of our vacation (2 weeks in Aug.) but stopped mid-way. this time away was a very sacred and important time in our marriage and i secretly (not so secretly any longer) don't want to let anyone in.

i thought about posting pictures (a proven practice - everyone loves pictures and not many like uncomfortable weighty conversations, trust me - i've been told.) of my motorcycle accident but most pictures are nude-like (although very very awesome).

i entertained the idea of sharing stories from the neighborhood (and my, oh my - are there many!) but writing about woes and others personal stories has begun to feel like exploitation to get into Heaven.

i even entertained the idea of "work talk" on this public forum - but who knows who is out there and i wouldn't want it getting back to the young and old ones alike that i can't handle it any longer and how deeply i long to quit, move to the country, grow me a lot of peaches and rest in the magnificent glory of God.

i spoke with a dear and precious friend this afternoon who was encouraging and challenging me to seek what is good, true, honest, and right with God.

what i really want to do is bake and eat my troubles away.

which leads me to the fact that we don't have an oven and tonight this is a major, major problem.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in meand I wake in the night at the least soundin fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,I go and lie down where the wood drakerests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.I come into the peace of wild thingswho do not tax their lives with forethoughtof grief. I come into the presence of still water.And I feel above me the day-blind starswaiting with their light. For a timeI rest in the grace of the world, and am free.