Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

MY EYE GOT INFECTED & NOW MY WHOLE BRAIN HURTS

SO I CALLED IN SICK TODAY BUT IN ACTUAL FACTI booked a one-way to Cuba and drank beer all day with the locals. My boss will never suspect!

I'm a little light on posts today because I have an extremely unappetizing thing going on in my eye, which was probably caused by pubic lice. Those stupid fuckers don't respect boundaries; they see hair, they think: "This must be the place." (Sudden get-rich scheme occurs to me: GPS for vermin! Ka-CHING!)

Of course I'm kidding ... about the crabs ... but seriously, it's ugly and itchy and oozing and if you think I'm going to post a selfie of that you're off your rocker. Beauty: that's what I'm in the business of, here. Well that and unrelenting corn-holing of the Chris Browns and Kim Kardashians of the world.So. I digress. In fact where the hell was I?

Ah yes. Crabs. Speaking of which, I hear Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are planning an "over-the-top" wedding (whose stomach-churning excess will be matched only by their subsequent over-the-top divorce) and that Kanye is pressuring Anna Wintour to let baby North West make her debut on the cover of Vogue.

Wintour is resisting, because A) it's a stupid idea and B)she detests Kim Kardashian. She does, however, adore Kanye, which proves that Wintour may be a shrewd businesswoman but she's also every bit the lunatic, megalomaniacal, personality-challenged ice princess diva she is rumoured to be. Bitches always find their own kind, people. It's how we survive.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I thought it was your eye that was infected.MY NOTE: It is. Why?EDITOR'S NOTE:It's just that ... that whole post sounds like it was written by someone in the final stages of galloping syphilis. MY NOTE: Well you would know. Now couldja pass me my crab cream, please?

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.