Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Scanned Thoughts: Avengers and X-men AXIS #1

If there’s one thing that history and Call of Duty games have taught us, it’s
that very little good ever comes from Nazis. There aren’t enough dick and fart
jokes in the world to make Nazi caliber atrocities, racism, and violence
palpable. So I’m not even going to try. I’ll only say that if there is any good
that can come from Nazi-level douche-baggery, it’s that it rallies others
together. It rallied countries that would later try to blow each other up, like
the United States and the Soviet union, to work together. I won’t say the
bitterness between the Avengers and X-men was quite that bad after the events
of Avengers vs. X-men, but I think it was close. Overnight, Cyclops became the
anti-Christ for killing Charles Xavier. And I guess the rule of thumb in Marvel
is that unless someone like Cyclops is destroying a whole universe, committing
genocide against the mutant race, or murdering siblings and sons, they’ve
somehow become evil. Well now they’re going to have to go up against real,
pound-me-in-the-ass style evil in the Red Skull. And I think they can finally
agree that as much an asshole Cyclops can be at times, he’s not even in the
same universe as the Red Skull.

Now after a couple years of trying to rebuild the bridges that Wanda
Maximoff and the Phoenix Force burned between the Avengers and the X-men, they’re
going to try and team up again to combat the Red Skull. He’s been working
behind the scenes since Uncanny Avengers began and he didn’t waste time showing
off his Nazi-caliber douche-baggery. He desecrated the body of Charles Xavier,
stealing his brain and using it to gain his powers. I’m sure some would’ve felt
better if he had just desecrated it like a good, upstanding necrophiliac. But
he’s a Nazi. He doesn’t do any of this shit halfway. He now has gone old
school, starting concentration camps and treating mutants in ways that would
make everyone in the ACLU throw up. Magneto tried to stop him, but he only ended
up turning the Red Skull into the Red Skull/Onslaught. He might as well have
given Hitler the fucking Death Star. Now this horribly overmatched battle is
set to begin in Avengers and X-men AXIS #1. I guess it’ll help the Avengers and
X-men come together and set aside their differences, but I’m sure the Icemans
and Beasts of the world will find a way to blame Cyclops for this shit anyways.

Blaming Cyclops still hasn’t stopped the Avengers from doing what they do
best when they’re not buying diamond-encrusted dildos from their movie revenue.
They take on needlessly elaborate villains who probably could still make a very
comfortable living using their charisma in infomercials. This time, they
encounter Plantman. He’s exactly as generic as his name implies. It’s pretty
typical shit for the Avengers. Then shit starts to get a little strange when
somebody starts projecting psychic thoughts into their minds. They don’t tempt
them to sneak into Emma Frost’s underwear drawer or steal Tony Stark’s credit
card. They just tempt them to channel the spirit of Fred Phelps and start
hating everything around them that seems too gay or too happy. It’s nothing
elaborate. These are the same Avengers that turned a spat into Civil War. This might
make the Christmas party awkward and it might get them suspended from the NFL,
but it’s not going to be all that epic.

Being the brains and the guy with extremely deep pockets on the team, Iron
Man picks up on the psychic projections and use some gizmo he probably conjured
in between three-ways with Japanese twins to filter it out. I want to say it’s
right up there with Bat Shark Repellant, but given the Avengers’ experience
with psychics during Avengers vs. X-men, I can believe that he would make
something like this. I’m sure there are plenty of perverse thoughts guys like
Iron Man need to guard. This allows the Avengers to stop strangling each other
long enough to figure out that this wave of psychic hate is being broadcast all
over the whole damn world. And unlike the efforts of the KKK, terrorists, and
Fox News this shit is actually working.

The source shouldn’t come as a surprise to anybody who has been following
the prelude in the pages of Magneto’s solo series. It was because of Magneto’s
insatiable desire to crush the Red Skull’s head with a pile of bricks that this
new Uber-Nazi Onslaught was released. Not going to say he was wrong in wanting
to crush a Nazi’s head, but it did sort of fuck things up. And Havok was right
there at ground zero when the shit storm began. Since tormenting Havok still
hasn’t gotten boring, the Red Onslaught mind-fucks him a bit before waking him
up to remind him that he’s still in a Nazi concentration camp. The rotting
corpse of Charles Xavier tries to reach out to him, but that doesn’t make
waking up in a Nazi concentration camp less shitty.

But it’s no big deal mind-fucking Havok. That’s like beating the Oakland
Raiders. It doesn’t mean much. Rogue and the Scarlet Witch try to put up more
of a fight. Let’s face it, two beautiful women will always be more powerful
than guy like Havok who thinks banning words will actually make people stop
hating mutants. But as powerful as two beautiful women like Rogue and the
Scarlet Witch are, they’re basically pissing into the wind with the Red
Onslaught. And the Red Onslaught hasn’t forgotten that the Scarlet Witch has
the power to warp reality to her will. Since this world isn’t Nazi-fied enough,
she’s basically the equivalent of a cheat code to win this battle. In that
sense, I can’t blame the Red Onslaught for mind-fucking with her. Anyone who
has ever played Contra on Nintendo knows it’s not cheating if it makes the game
easier.

Having seen this movie before and demanded a refund from the studio, Magneto
is able to prevent the Red Onslaught from mind-fucking his daughter. He saw
what happened when Dr. Doom tried it. He doesn’t need to see what happens when
a Nazi tries it. He takes a few licks, but in doing so he ends up at another
part of the camp where Kid Omega, Cyclops, and Genesis are being held. If it
sounds exceedingly convenient and random, then don’t call in poison control. It’s
exactly as convenient and random as it sounds.

For anyone who didn’t follow the prelude issues to this event, it’s going to
be confusing. That alone is to be expected for any event that is big enough to
warrant a prelude. But I did follow the prelude through Magneto and Uncanny
Avengers. I was even sober enough to remember it. And at no point was it ever
even hinted at that these three got abducted, attacked, or mind-fucked. These
aren’t random hostages on 24. This is Kid Omega, Cyclops, and a mini-me of
Apocalypse. A fight like that is probably worth detailing. But here, it’s just
placed there for reasons I can only ascribe to someone having a bad hangover.
Given how richly detailed books like Magneto and Uncanny Avengers have been,
this is pretty disappointing.

It’s even more disappointing when Havok adds to the randomness. He just got
mind-fucked by the Red Onslaught and what’s his first inclination? He attacks Cyclops.
That’s like hating the New York Yankees and attacking the Boston Red Sox to
spite them. And he’s still whining about Cyclops killing Xavier, even though
Xavier’s mind actually spoke to him. So I guess I was right when I suspected
that somebody would blame Cyclops for this shit. Never mind the Red Supremacy
is still on a fucking rampage. Attacking Cyclops just seems to make more sense
to Havok. And people wonder why they consider him the lamer Summers brother.

The one who ends up breaking up the fight is Genesis. And it’s definitely a
bad sign when a miniature version of Apocalypse has to step in to break up a
fight. He actually says things that make him way more likable than Havok will
ever be, lecturing them on how much they suck at actually doing what Charles
Xavier taught them to do. He probably would’ve thrown in a few extra details
like the Red Onslaught still being on the loose, but that might’ve made too
much sense. But in his defense, Ahab decided to take over the role as chief
non-Nazi asshole and fucking impaled Genesis with a harpoon. I still say Havok
is the bigger asshole here.

While this shit storm is raging for the X-men, the Avengers are still
horribly lagging behind. I guess plant creatures in Los Angeles have a higher
priority than Nazi concentration camps for mutants. But while they’re assessing
how fucked the world is and how they’re going to catch up, Iron Man has a nice
moment with Wasp. She reveals to him that painful little detail about her
having a daughter with Havok in an alternate future. It makes for a somewhat
emotional moment. But it ends up being pretty hallow.

Anyone who hasn’t been following Uncanny Avengers for the past few months
would never have even known Wasp and Havok had such an epic love affair. That’s
what makes this moment feel so weak. She’s so sad and weepy about a daughter
who might as well have been a clone in the story she showed up in. I want to
feel bad for her, but then she starts whining about whether being a hero is
worth it. That might carry some weight if this story about her daughter and
Havok had more depth. Right now, it has about as much depth as a rerun of the
Simpsons.

Wasp would probably have far more valid reasons to cry if the Red Supremacy
succeeds in mind-fucking the Scarlet Witch. Her lost daughter would be the
least of her worries in a world dominated by Nazis. He ends up getting pretty
close to succeeding. He talks to her the same way a dominatrix talks to a
client armed with Warren Buffet’s credit card. He actually goes so far as to
make her love him. It sounds fucked up, but Dr. Doom did the same thing and
made it work pretty damn well. If it works, why find another way.

Since nobody wants to read House of M again with Nazis, Rogue steps in. She
actually absorbs some of the Red Onslaught, which sounds like weapons grade
stupidity. However, in doing so she’s able to locate that final remaining
sliver of Charles Xavier’s mind. That ends up being pretty handy because it by
absorbing him, she can both use his powers to guard the Scarlet Witch’s mind
and tell Havok and Beast to shut the fuck up. So for those who hated House of M
and never want to see that story again, take a deep breath. We’re not walking
that road again.

At this point, it would be really helpful if Havok and the others came to
their aid. But with Havok, I guess that would be too competent. He’s still
battling Ahab with Magneto and Cyclops. It’s not nearly as epic a battle
between the Red Onslaught, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch. Then again, it’s hard
for any battle to be as epic when it doesn’t involve two beautiful women. Ahab
just taunts Havok about his daughter. Then Cyclops shows why he’s still the
better Summers brother by taking a harpoon in the shoulder. He might have had a
hand in Charles Xavier’s death, but he doesn’t use that as an excuse to be an
asshole. It’s still a pretty bland scene. If I want this kind of trash talk, I’ll
stick to Richard Sherman.

It’s only now after the Red Onslaught nearly had the Scarlet Witch unleash
another M-Day and after people started getting harpooned that the Avengers show
up. Sure, they’re later than Michelle Dugger’s last period, but they do help
make the fight seem somewhat more balanced. It’s still not that detailed or
that epic. I don’t get the sense it’s meant to be that way. This is the first
issue of a nine-issue event. It doesn’t make sense to unleash a D-Day style
battle before anyone has had a chance to sufficiently bitch and moan about
Cyclops. That sort of thing should be saved for Transformer movies and not
major crossover events.

To be fair to Havok, which I have a hard time writing with a straight face,
he eventually does settle down enough to realize that this might be a good time
to not clash with his brother. In addition to the Avengers, more X-men show up
to help out. And he’s a little less inclined to be a petty douche-bag when he’s
surrounded by so many teammates that are more willing to fight alongside
Cyclops against a Nazi. It’s a nice moment where the team comes together. It
still feels a bit rushed. It makes me wonder why the hell Havok made such a big
deal out of attacking Cyclops in the first place. Then again, I’ve given up
trying to justify his bullshit. I’m content to see him actually fight like a
decent X-men for once.

It’s a battle that quickly turns into the antithesis of Avengers vs. X-men.
Both the Avengers and the X-men come together, with the Inhumans even pitching
in, to take on the Red Onslaught. Let’s face it. When a super powerful Nazi
shows up and is attempting to remake reality into one of Hitler’s wet dreams,
it’s the superhero equivalent of a block party. Everybody wants in on the
action. They hear the Red Onslaught’s racist rantings and they understand that
their differences with mutants become pretty damn meaningless when Nazis are
involved. It’s the first time this comic really feels epic for all the right
reasons.

But like an orgasm on meth, it doesn’t last long. The battle doesn’t even
begin to get too destructive before the Red Onslaught pulls another nasty
psychic trick. This time he goes after Tony Stark, the guy who has the
necessary gadgets to block out telepathy. He reveals that at some point that is
neither defined nor detailed, he forked over all the Civil War data he made
himself forget. It’s another instance of something being pulled out of an
unknown ass, but it does make an important point. And that point is Tony Stark
is quite the asshole. It takes a special kind of asshole to create two
adamantium Sentinels and let someone like the Red Onslaught use them. Now maybe
this was something that was wiped from Iron Man’s mind at some point and maybe
digging back into the wounds left by Civil War is more than a little contrived,
but it definitely complicates the battle. Nazis with adamatium Sentinels is
like Homer Simpson and an ocean of beer. Little good can come of it for those
that get in their way.

I admit I expected a number of heroes to come out as total assholes at some
point in this issue. I had money on Cyclops, Havok, Beast, or the Scarlet
Witch. Now I’m pretty sure I’m going to have my legs broken again by my loan
shark. Except this time, I probably deserve it because only a dipshit wouldn’t
bet on Tony freakin’ Stark being a total ass at some point in a major story.
This is the same guy who tried to solve the problem of the Phoenix Force by
shooting it with a big ass gun. And somehow Cyclops ended up the asshole in
that story? I know I write crazy shit when I review my comics stoned, but I
refuse to believe that someone was sober when they came up with that.

Tony Stark being an asshole is kind of a lowlight for this issue. The
concept itself is pretty damn awesome. The Red Skull now having the power to
fill everyone with hatred that would make the Westboro Baptist Church blush is
a pretty big threat and it can’t exactly be solved by shooting a big ass gun at
it, although I’m sure Iron Man had designs. The problem was that the details
surrounding this concept were bland, contrived, or just plan random. Cyclops,
Kid Omega, and Genesis just happen to show up and Tony Stark just happens to have
these adamantium Sentinels in storage? I think that’s just further proof that
sobriety is at a premium when some of these stories are planned. Even so, it’s
still entertaining and fairly concise in terms of plot. It’s just about as
refined Courtney Love on a cocaine bender. I give Avengers and X-men: AXIS #1 a
6 out of 10. It has the potential to be much greater. It just needs to sober up
a bit and flesh out the details. And when a guy like me says sobering up might
help, that’s a clear sign that somebody has a problem. Nuff said!

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About Me

I am a lifelong comic book fan. My favorite comic has always been X-men and my lifelong dream is to be an X-men writer. Since I'm still a ways from realizing that dream, I settle for writing my own series which I have entitled X-men Supreme.