I have read two stories focused on this couple, and am working through the rest. I love them so far. I picked the first one out because I was in a mood and was thoroughly and pleasantly surprised by what I found. The characters are absolutely adorable. And you managed to bring an air of reality and consequence into a series (sort of) of one shots. You didn't just make it about kids having sex, you made the relationship real and complex. And they are incredibly well written to boot. Bravo and keep up the good work.

Seriously? Three. Pft. I don’t know, I just wanted to throw a random number out. Oh, that’s s’no t funny is it? Snot? I’m a dork. Let’s leave it at that.

There’s so much potential in that first line, my minds going bonkers here with all the possibilities. “He makes a subtle, breathy sound of consent when their lips connect…” Um. *Pauses* Yum! I rhymed! So is one of the guys gay and the other one is just cool with that but is all like “I’m not gay, dude.” Or are they both straight, but just happen to realize boinkin’ each other is much easier than tryin’ to coax a girl to her knees?

I’m just laughing right now. "…pussy licking errand boy…" Is that considered slapstick comedy? Whoa, six feet tall, damn, that’s pretty tall. If I didn’t want them to get together I would suggest they go for someone short because a short person won’t have to get on his knees to-I won’t’ finish that sentence. This is like a forbidden fruit that I’ve just discovered. I’ve been asked to write slash, but I never read it, not like this anyway.

That’s it? Now why would you do that? That is just cruel and unusual punishment. Too short! You make me want to caps lock. Off to read the next installment…

[plopping down on the lowest level of lowest level of the gym's bleachers]

Same here.

Opening:

I really like the seed you plant in the opening scene of the "you'll agree to anything," because when it comes up later it feels perfectly placed. I also think this conversation between them is pretty hilarious, as well as their body language, especially when one of them slumps against the other. Just from their dialogue I can tell they're completely hammered. One suggestion I have for the opening scene would be to maybe provide more setting development; since you do such a wondering job with the following two scenes, I noticed once I got to the end that I was never really able to picture *where* Quan and Derik were in the very beginning. I assume it's a party because of the "party-cup," but it's never mentioned if there are other people near them - that type of thing. Since they start making out that's the first thing I began to wonder, if other people were going to see them or if they needed to worry about other people seeing them, or if they were hanging out alone at one of their houses.

Ending:

I think the last paragraph is my favorite paragraph of the entire story, because it just sounds so poetic. That line about a "whisper of wind through an empty stadium" just fits perfectly considering the clique both these men belong to. Plus the way you bring the noise of the shower into that final image... you just do a great job developing a final picture that'll stick into the reader's head. And although this is a rather naughty situation your two main characters are in, I love how you're able to take that "young lust" image and turn it into something beautiful, showing this relationship between Quan and Derik has the potential to be more than just the two of them experimenting with their sexuality.

Relationships:

While I really love this relationship between Quan and Derik, and I can tell there's a long history between them and they mean a lot to each other, I would've liked to have seen or been told a little more about their past. Are they both on the football team? By the time I got to the end I started to think they were, but considering Derik is kinda described as thin and weak, I don't know if I'm correct. I know this is just a one-shot of characters from a longer story of yours, so reading that will probably answer everything I'm wondering, but if you want this to stand better on its own, I think a good way to get the reader more attached to these characters (if they don't already know them) is to explore some more of their history. Doesn't have to be scene; summarizing it can be just as effective. I also know you published this awhile ago, so I don't know how willing you are to go back and revise or add to it; just thought I'd mention this in case you ever did come back.

Pacing:

I think you have a great pacing throughout this. There's a great balance between description/action and dialogue. Not once did I feel like things were dragging or did I have the desire to skim, and everything included seems to be important to the overall plot of the story or the characterization of your two protagonists. I also think the way you split this short-story up into three parts helps with the pacing, too. The ending is especially great, because you slow down and let those last few paragraphs really leave an impact on the reader, showing them this story is more than just two guys fucking in the shower for the first time. A lot of the bond between Derik and Quan is packed into those last few paragraphs, so I think it's a good idea you slowed down and really explored the feelings running through their heads.

Oh, and I like how the title plays into the structure of the story, too. That's really clever. :)

Firstly, I'm angry with you. I was going to go to bed, but then I read this...then I realized there were MORE stories about these two. And now who knows when I'll go to sleep.

On to the review: What I loved most about the story was the humor. Also, I like Derik's point of view in this. I'm a big fan of first person narration, but the third person worked so well here, especially in the first section where they are drunk. The omniscient narrator articulates his thoughts and feelings in a way that a first person POV would have probably fallen flat.

I think you captured the exciting and awkward...thing they have between them very well. Strong characterization helped with that. And it was written gorgeously. I love this line at the end: "It doesn't last long, but it never has and it doesn't need to, and soon, two broken cries, muted by the palm of Derik's hand and the skin of Quan's shoulder respectively, mark the end of something that flirts with madness, and the start of something immeasurably softer, like the whisper of wind through an empty stadium, or the release of a long-held sigh."

That was very enjoyable. :3 The scenes are written very sensually. Good job building the characters, too. I like that for once in a slash fic both guys can take care of themselves. It's rather refreshing; both of your characters are BOYS and act like it.
I particularly enjoyed the line about getting a dumber linebacker. :p You made me giggle there.
I will have to make my way through your other fics of these too - you left me wanting more!

I don't like this sentence. [You'd…agree t'anything," Derik insists with something despicably close to a snigger, swaying on his feet like a landlubber earning his sea legs, and he leans forward when he says it, planting his one free hand, the one not still occupied by a half-empty party cup, against the nearest semi-solid object – which happens to be Quan's shoulder – and he almost falls forward even so.] There's not enough punctuation to make it smooth.
I like the story-the always agreeable Quan going along with what Derik says and feeling amply rewarded for it. Their macho hesitancy giving in to the pleasure of being young and strong and liking each other is sexy and sweet.

OPENING: I really liked how you started off so subtly. I also don’t think I’m used to reading anything from a current/modern perspective from you so it was an interesting change. You mention the word ‘intimate’ in section one and I really thing that’s the best word to describe the story up to this point. I think you did a great job at showing these two boys having an innocent moment and how that moment progresses onward to the inevitable conclusion.

SECOND SECTION: I liked the emphases on ‘hard’ I had a little LOL moment when I read that. I really liked the imagery of this chapter. The aspect of lightening and storm clouds and football, it’s so painfully American in a way, and it tugs at my heart a little bit. I also liked how things are a bit stormy between Quan and Derik in this section as well. I think you do a good job at not telling the reader why they’re doing/thinking what they’re doing, but you let us figure it out as the characters do. I also liked the buildup of the kiss and beyond in this section. You can feel the characters restraint and then how they let go, but then restrain themselves again.

THIRD SECTION: I think the intimacy of this section lacks somewhat. After all the buildup of the last two sections the reader is given very little reward. It seems strange since I’m so used to *different* scenes in this scenario than the one portrayed here. I think in this section you could easily build on it and add that final punch of satisfaction for both the characters and the readers.

I know that you say in your summary that this is a one shot, but I really like this idea, and I think you could easily continue with it. I feel like this type of story where these teenage boys are forced by society to be a certain way (raging testosterone and all) showing this level of intimacy with one another is fascinating, and every true to life. The traditional gay-man stereotype is ripe for a makeover and I think this is a perfect vehicle to do it. Or not, of course, it’s still good the way it is. I also liked how the title really fits with the flow of the piece. “Three strikes:” three sections, the flame gets hotter and higher each time. Keep up the good work.

OHMYGOD! This is amazing! really it is sooo well written and cute and beautiful :D
I'm gonna go and read all the other [definitely just as brilliant] little Quan/Derik stories and then favourite you ok?! :P