Jon Gosselin’s A DJ Now

“Now, which one of these doohickies lets these bitches know my ATV’s gassed up out back?”

Jon Gosselin and his puckered-asshole of an ex-wife Kate Gosselin destroyed their family when they let reality TV crews put a microphone on Kate and record the way she spoke to literally everyone in her life. They continued to make shows throughout their divorce, during which Jon turned into a walking Ed Hardy boner before blowing all his money, losing multiple jobs and living in a log cabin. Now he’s a professional DJ, or “showing suicidal tendencies” according to the new DSM-5. Via People:

But sorry, brides. Put down that cellphone. Jon won’t be djing your wedding, because people would pay more attention to him than you. No, really.

I’ve had bad experiences,” he says. “The brides get pissed. I’ve been at people’s weddings and then their guests start taking pictures of me and it’s not good. It’s an uncomfortable situation.

Having wedding guests snap a photo of you would be pretty uncomfortable. Probably even more uncomfortable than explaining to eight children how daddy’s sole means of income requires him to seamlessly blend a Katy Perry remix into Tainted Love as tears well in their eyes and they contemplate killing small animals. “We can start with hamsters,” they all say in unison, staring dead-eyed into space. “They’re easy to get and mom will hate the smell. She’ll complain about it so much, we’ll have to quiet her somehow…” “Okay, you kids are freaking me out, but I have to be honest, I’m liking the direction this is going. Did I mention I’m dating a teacher at your school?”