Sunday, July 10, 2011

Odd personality : Alessandro

Hey.

I guess I'll talk a bit more about myself...

Some of you guys might be wondering about the title of this blog and why did I choose it, well I need to go back a few years to explain this.

I remember that as a kid I was this spontaneous, thin, hyper-active, super-smart little boy who kept positively surprising everyone with his sharp comments about subjects that I shouldn't even know about... I remember my parents bragging about me left and right while , as a carefree kid that I was, everything looked just like a game to me.

I've grown up in a small village in the countryside (and I'm still living there) and there is just a small elementary school with an average of 10 pupils per class, I had plenty of friends but in such an immaculate environment, bad things just weren't meant to happen.

The clash happened in middle school.

I entered this new class without knowing anyone whereas most of them came from another school, from a much bigger city than mine. They all had nicer clothes than me plus I was really really small and also I was very good at school without putting much effort in it.

Sooner or later the radical differences between a pure kid like me and "city boys" like them, started to come up.

I think I could have probably easily handled the standard teenage bullying (or at least have faced lesser consequences ) if my mind wasn't so prematurely developed.

I kept wondering about the reasons that made me not right for that kind of social interactions but i couldn't come to a conclusion (how could I...)

Is it right that a 12 year old kid has to face hard feelings such as humiliation, loss of self confidence, social isolation, for reasons that does not depend on him?

I wasn't like getting beat up or worse things, but still I was such an extroverted person that their undermining words over and over made myself shut down.

I became a deeply introverted person, who transformed the meaninglessness of the behavior i was facing into a generalized detach to other human beings, a form of elitism. I gradually lost interest into most of the things i was doing because everything looked pointless if it couldn't help to make myself feel better with other people anyways. The massive inner thinking that was going on with myself prematurely led me to stuff like the meaning of life, the source of feelings, the existence of god, something that i was not yet prepared about, which later on brought me to a dreadful conclusion : at 12 years of age I wanted my mind to become numb, so that i couldn't feel the pain I knew was going to come later in life. Of course i got past this dark side of my youth but looking back to it it's still really hard.

Kids can be hurtful, they rarely think about the consquences when they say the things they say. What happened many years ago shouldnt affect what you are now. Keep your chin up, 12 year old kids dont know shit about life, this is a new phase and you should make the best of it. Is it rejection you are afraid of? the worst thing that can happen is a NO, you will get thousands of them, dont sweat it. Just dont give a fck about what people say, its your life, enjoy it as much as you can because its only one. hahaha ramble mode off.

Yeah, kids can be really harsh. My girlfriend suffered pretty bad from some nasty shit back then too, because she came from a different country. She still suffers some issues because of it though; I'm glad to hear you're fine now.