Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Muchos Gracias, Mexico

Some things just fall naturally into list form. I would like to call this one,

Pienso Que, I'll Pass.

1) If you go to get a facial while at a 'resort' south of the border, you better have a plan for your swimsuit straps. One might figure, "Ehhhhh it's a facial. How much skin need be exposed?"

When just south of Tijuana, the correct answer to that is.....all of it. All of it, right down to your belly button, in fact. I have honestly never seen a woman's hands work as quickly. I walked in, sat down, and without a word or a moments notice my halter top was untied and down around my waist. Needless to say, teenage boys world wide could take a lesson from her. But I, a near 30 year old hetero-woman, was less than impressed with this particular showcase of her skills. I was a bit taken a back, but ehhhh I've got nice boobs. And it's Mexico, what do I care?

2)Two of my comrades signed up for massages. They were scheduled for the same time, but who would have thought that the same time slot automatically meant couples massage? One more lesson learned en Mexico.

As the story goes, they undressed, covered up with what amounted to a glorified hand towel, and dove enthusiastically into their massages. Both of the masseuse's proceeded to move and tuck the towel as various body parts were needed. The two shuffled back to our spot at the pool ashen faced and stinking with shame. Very few details were offered up, but as a group we decided that it is definitely crack that makes you naked.

3)All beaches in Mexico are NOT created equally. Some are filled with white sand, blue water and beautiful people. Some reek of sewage, house burned up cars and are threatened by the collapse of shanties teetering on the cliffs above. However, the excess of jagged rocks does make for handy bottle openers. If bleeding and open wounds in Mexico are your idea of a good time.

4) Vacations should not include sitting at a road block while machine gun toting soldiers, fully dressed in fatigues, poke into and around your car windows.

5) Riding horses on the beach is very idyllic and romantic in theory. In reality, horses crap. A lot.

6) Even if there is a long, thick, black hair in your fajitas, you still have to pay for them. And Los Cantantes will linger for their tip regardless of whether or not they received the international head nod meaning, "Hey-come on over here and sing to me. That's not awkward at all!"

7) Apparently, little Mexican men have the authority to close America. With just a rope across the freeway, one cone, an 8 1/2x11 sheet of paper with the word 'closed' scribbled across, anyone has the ability to close my mother country.

So, no. I will not be spending my spring break south of the border. I haven't washed my hands of Mexico en total. But I certainly have washed my hands of Baja California. A girl can only take so much adventure.