Category Archives: Silliness

In one of the parallel universes where Hillary won, pro-Trump forces have taken over Wichita and declared an independent republic. National Guard troops have been ordered to stay out of the city by Gov. Brownback, and remain stationed in the suburbs. Reports of “ethnic cleansing” of neighborhoods could not be confirmed, since all reporters and media personnel have been ejected except for those working at the local FOX station, which is reporting that everything is “fine and under control.”

President Obama and President-Elect Clinton have urged calm, and called for talks with the rebel leaders, whom Clinton says “have legitimate grievances that must be heard if we are to move forward together as a country.” Sporadic fighting continues in Atlanta, Austin, St. Louis, and other major cities, though casualties remain light so far.

There has still been no comment from Trump Tower, where Donald Trump and his family are under 24-hour protection from the NYPD, the Secret Service, and Trump’s own security forces. NYC Mayor De Blasio has extended the protective cordon around Trump Tower for an additional block in all directions. The 6 PM curfew for non-shoppers remains in effect, as does a ban on all drone flights within the city.

LAS VEGAS (Plausible News Service) – The day after a bruising campaign debate in which he said he may not accept the result of the election, GOP Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has dropped yet another bombshell.

In a hastily called press conference Thursday morning, a haggard-looking Trump urged his supporters to stay home on Election Day, in protest of what he has called “a crooked process” and a “rigged election.”

“Let’s face it, folks, this whole thing has been rigged, big-time, from the get-go,” Trump declared. “You could see it last night, she had the questions, she had the answers, she had everything. It’s been the same deal all the way down the line, and you know it. She’s got the media, she’s got the voting machines, it’s ridiculous. I’m telling you, we shouldn’t legitimize a crooked process like this by even participating. It’s an insult, believe me, an insult to the American people.”

Boycotts of elections by entire political parties or ethnic groups are not unheard of in other countries, but no American major-party candidate has ever issued such a call.

Trump supporters took the news stoically. “He’s right,” said retired bookkeeper Maude Asahatter of Green Bay, WI. “I was looking forward to voting for him, but he’s right. It’s a done deal, so there’s just no point. We’ll live to fight another day.”

Eric Kneebone, a truck transmission repair specialist from Mad River, KY, was defiant. “Hillary will have a hollow victory,” he said. “She’ll go through her term knowing the American people, real American people, I mean, don’t want her there.”