The October Country

That’s the name of one of my favorite books- a collection of short stories by Ray Bradbury. It always resonated with me, that idea. I’ve voiced it a few ways, and it seems to ripple through my life. Autumn, as I’ve mentioned, really is my season.

Last year at this time, I was undergoing a defining process of epiphany and ruin. I was in The Works (coming soon). Utterly life changing, burnt down to the foundations- and given the chance to build something better. There have ben changes, profound ones. I am just as pleased to note that I am not alone, that Soulhuntre is entering his own space of empowerment and realization. in their own ways, so are my twin, my boy, and my animal. It’s a good season, and the only season I honestly celebrate- from now until the New Year, this is my time, and my Mother’s time.

I have achieved something this Autumn, I think I have honored my compact with my Mother and my twin. It’s not a finished work, and I hope it never will be- but it’s good. It’s what I have been chasing as far back as I can remember. An internal conflict which has always troubled- and sometimes paralyzed- has finally come home to me. It’s about me, my animal. our nature, about finding the core of why we braved nine months of insanity to make this work.

Our structure is reinforced by it, but there are no sweeping pronouncementsabout the world, or generalized belief about anyone’s place as a gender orrace- just my animal’s place in MY world. (A servant had once been in thehabit of telling me “It’s your world, Sir.” It occurs to me that I neverreally understood that until now.)

The details are both personal and irrelevant- but my animal had a quirkykink that I was experimenting with. If I had left it at face value, it wouldhave been a role- play thing, and I dislike role play. It makes me feel likeI am distancing myself from my dynamic, rather than living it- just apersonal predjudice.

But what I did is, well, what I do. I tried to figure out why this odd kinkhad such a profound effect on my animal. What I eventually intuited wassomething which fit into everything else I know about her, and made it all acohesive whole.

For my animal, it was like “finally coming home, being where she ultimatelybelonged.”

What this was for ME was the breaking of a last internal barrier. Thebarrier that said “We are all equals here, really“.

No, we are not. Not even at the core of us. My animal is as different fromme as another species, and a lesser one. This is the ultimate (so far) realization of my contempt fetish, a fetish I have been struggling with for a while now.(Last autumn got me to the point where I had come to terms with it- but I needed this event/ chemistry/ evolution arc to finally embrace it, make it part of me.)

My world is a clearer place. Decisions are made without struggle, withoutconflict. My inner voice is stronger, clearer, and far more demanding,unburdened by illusions of ‘equality”.

Co-existing peacefully in my core self are two twin statements:

She is smart as hell, tough, capable, a person I have genuine regard for, orelse I would have nothing to do with her. A wise person (the same servant)once pointed out to me that sex is something shared between peers, and it’strue- anything less is sullying oneself.

Simultaneously:

It is an animal. If it pleases, it will stay my animal. it has a place, andit needs to be mindful of that place. The best it can hope for is that Imight have use for it.

This is a good place to be. it’s not a philosophy, it’s a state between thetwo of us, the best realization of our vastly imbalanced power dynamic. Myworldview has changed- it has given me what I was missing, even dealing withother servants/ trainees. Places where there were holes in my confidencefeel changed, reinforced, whole.

“If you want someone to know their place, then treat them appropriately sothey don’t have to guess.”– Soulhuntre

“If you want to be served, act like someone who deserves service”-Salsuginious