Doing It Wrong

Stand in tadasana.
Feet below hips, legs and glutes firm, lift the sternum, tuck the ribs,
relax the shoulders and reach up through energized fingertips. As you root down
through your strong feet, connect with the mat. In the mind is the strong and ever present
need to do it right, to follow the instructions, to be a good student.

Being good students.
We are all superbly trained in school to be good students. We are taught so much information: the “what”
of school. Country names, historical
facts, how to construct a proper sentence, chemistry, biology, math. We are
also taught very deeply – conditioned in- the “how” of school. The school process. How to sit and watch ourselves learning and
how to make sure we are in the mind frame of doing it right. We are graded every single day. And so we are taught to develop a constant
inner dialogue about how we are doing. “Did I get an A on that? If not, what did I do wrong? Oh man, I keep getting C’s; there must be
something wrong with me.” “I’m going to
fail this test; I am a failure.” “I am
getting an A on this test. I am a
success.”

We are trained very, very deeply and well to have a strong
inner judge.

And so we are really good at grading ourselves in every
aspect of life. Sometimes this mind
chatter is in the awareness, like when we do something really well: “wow nice,”
and the little glow of success graces the whole of the body mind. Sometimes this mind chatter is in the
awareness as when we do something not so well: “oh man you did that?”
Embarrassment. What a chilling
showstopper of an emotion. The dense fear
of being banished.

What of doing it wrong?
What happens during a yoga pose taken mindfully but in odd
alignment. There is a lesson here. The lesson might be, “Oh that is why we do it
the other way.” Or, the lesson might be,
“gee, this way feels really different –
there’s another set of muscles engaging and relating to each other. Interesting.” The lesson might even be, “this
feels better.” And then the inquiry
becomes, “Why does this feel better for me like this.” And, of course, “Am I doing it wrong? What is wrong with me?”

Recently I had the experience of doing Janusirsasana (head towards knee pose) wrong. I embarked down the path into the
posture. This is sort of a long path for
me, including rest stops at the seat, the spinal lift, the initial fold, the
belly reach towards the knee, and then the sweet wandering way of head towards
knee. A very nice journey, with lots of mind
stuff of “ahh that’s right” as alignment works in and the body melts into length. Another way I metaphorically experience this
pose is as an architectural experience.
Each body part is a room or passageway to the next space. Seat is the entry. Spine is the long elegant hallway. Head is the kitchen, the room where such
delicious concoctions are created. Arms
are the cooling system. Nerves, the
electrical system. Sighs are the music
filling the space. And the full
expression of the pose is the stable structure, creaking and settling over
time. So this day I opened the door and
started into the sanctuary of this space.
Good intentions and blessings for all who enter, right?

Well, this day I was sore and a bit tired and, frankly,
PMSing. So I just did it wrong. I didn’t bother with the twist of belly
towards knee. I flopped rather
curmudgeonly forward, surrendering to a somewhat cranky mindspace of “fuck
alignment. Fuck doing it right. Let the structure slip into the mud. Let me
just veer off the path like a kid following a bug in the woods. I’m just going
to do what comes which seems to be this odd halfway version of the fucking
fold. Fuck.” I suppose it was a day to have a
confrontation with my inner judge, huh?
I had to basically tell it to shut up, perhaps because there was no
family member around to perimenopausally tell to shut up. Have you been there? No?
Ahh, well have you ever had a two year old (or perhaps a 14 year old,
lol) follow you from room to room just so they can once again fold their arms
and turn their back on you and go “harrumph.”
Yeah. Like that. I followed my inner teacher all around the
house of that pose turning my back in each room.

Yeah so after having that (mostly sub-awareness)
conversation with myself, I oozed down into that half posture. One leg bent and the the other stretched out,
but instead of folding toward the extending leg, just chucking away the twist
and leaning forward. Then ten minutes
passed while each breath took me further and further from the “correct”
alignment. I just did it wrong. So wrong.
Slowly my torso shifted from between the extended legs to over the bent
knee. The extended leg got a good
tractioning. Got a real good
tractioning. Got a – what? This was
surprising - healing tractioning! Felt
really really really good!!! Felt.
Healing.

It was healing to do it wrong. It was healing to let go the judge for one
brief respite. It was new. There was some moderate friction, some mental
heat, as I shoved the judge over in its
seat a few times. It felt. It felt. New.

I did it wrong and it was right. I am more aware now of the power of the
judge. It is the octopus on my face
covering eyes, ears and nose with its tentacles so familiar I hardly perceive
they are there as I say, “judge? What
judge? I’m just trying to do it right.”

Doing it wrong. Letting go of the inner judge. Unlearning. Testing the learning. Direct personal experience. Unlearning to learn. Becoming deeply aware of prior learning to see what has become so deeply ingrained that it is not in conscious awareness. This. Bringing into conscious awareness that which had been unnoticed. Noticing. Appreciating. Refining. Relearning. A lifetime of learning. Ommmmmmmm.