Ellie has the answer!

Today’s Column

Financial secrets are best aired

I owned a home when I met him, but sold it several months ago. What he doesn’t know is that I HAD to sell the home quickly, because the bank was foreclosing on my mortgage.

He also doesn’t know about the financial difficulties I've been dealing with since my divorce. I’m on the verge of bankruptcy, but trying desperately to avoid it. My credit’s in ruins.
He recently asked me to buy a house with him. I made up an excuse, saying we should wait until next spring.
Secretly, I’m terrified, stressed, and highly anxious about the situation. I can't sleep, and I'm becoming increasingly depressed due to the realization that I could very well lose him because of the state of my finances.
He's made comments about an ex-girlfriend’s finances before, about the amount of debt she had and how he thought she was careless. I have twice that debt.
How should I go about starting the conversation? I know he'll be angry that I have been keeping this from him.

Financial Woes

Start with the positives, and do it soon because the longer you withhold this information, the worse it is.

Positives: You’re in love with him (better be true), would love to buy a house with him, but have had your own financial troubles and won’t ever burden him with them.

So you’re working hard to avoid bankruptcy, live within your means, and pay down some debt (also better be true).

IF all this is truly so, then suggest that you carry on your relationship as is, and when you can afford to contribute to living together, you can both then see what’s affordable (maybe not a house ).

I’m a 25-year-old male who only recently fully acknowledged that I’m confused about my sexuality, whether it be bisexual or gay. It caused me to end my seven-year relationship with my (now) ex-girlfriend several months ago.
She hates me for it, and I don't blame her. But I miss her terribly and wish I could be with her, whether as a friend, acquaintance, or anything. I’m always depressed and always thinking about her.
How do I get her to forgive me? Especially since I'm aware that we can't be together sexually, but I love her so much.
Sometimes I wish I’d just ignored my own sexual needs and married her which I always intended to before my realization.

Sex or Love?

You did her a favour by being honest. You can’t live your life ignoring your own sexuality and sexual needs, nor should you. Had you married, the truth would’ve come out in an ugly way.

She’s hurt and angry but probably for reasons you don’t realize. Some women think that if a man can’t be with them because of being gay, that he’s rejecting them.

That’s not the case at all, but younger women especially often don’t have the self-confidence to accept that it’s not about them, personally.

When possible to reach her, tell her how much you’ve loved her and how you miss her. But say you couldn’t live a lie with her, you respect her too much for that.

Say you dearly hope you can renew your friendship in time. Then give her some time to heal and hopefully find a boyfriend so she feels self-assured through her own sexual identity.

In a small group of special friends, one single lady brought a new man into her life and ours. He was welcomed and included for eight years.

Recently the couple broke up, and both want to still be friends with the group. But one ex-spouse doesn’t want us to be friends with the other.

The group’s trying to not hurt either of them. We like them both, and feel both are welcome. Suggestions?

Split Loyalties

Be open but compassionate. Someone in the group needs to speak for all, and say that you like and will still welcome both BUT you’ll be sensitive to the current situation.

For now, you’ll include each of them separately. They’ll each get to join in less than before, but are still considered part of the group.

In time, the one spouse’s hostility may calm, or not. Then he/she has to decide how to handle it, not your group.

Tip of the day:

Secrets and lies erode relationships. Speak up early about anything that can be interpreted as a deceit.