Thursday, August 20, 2009

Next

Now, I mentioned that the dryer died yesterday too. What I didn't mention is that it died in the middle of me washing my sheets, mattress pad and body pillow. Because of this, my mattress is nude, and remained so all night long.

Also, because of this, I elected to sleep on the couch last night. You'll be surprised to learn that I didn't sleep that well. First of all because I was on the couch. Secondly, because of the big ass cup of coffee I'd had earlier that day and thirdly because, hello? Squirrel.

So I woke up with the sun, not long after 6am. I resisted the urge to hop into the bathroom for my morning pee because I hadn't heard the trap snap shut at any point last night. I could, however, still hear the rhythmic squeal and screech of distressed squirrel emanating from the eastern side of my apartment. I turned my head and saw the cat doing that slow motion stalking thing that cats do when there's a bird or mouse-shaped toy nearby. Only she was facing in the wrong direction. When I went to bed last night, the squirrel was trapped in the bathroom, pulling at bits of carpet and knocking over my shampoo. When I got up this morning, apparently the state of the union had changed.

I put both feet on the ground and went to investigate what I feared was going to be a squirrel-led coup, starting with the bathroom and then slowly taking over my life, one room at a time. I was lucky. It wasn't sitting on my uncased pillows lording it over me and the cat with its beady eyes spelling out the terms and conditions of this new dictatorship. It was, however, out of the bathroom. WTF?

*sigh* I look at the bathroom, the door is still shut. I open it. There's the trap, sitting innocent as you please and unsprung on the bathrooom floor. You know what else is on the bathroom floor? The little rug I had left OUTSIDE the bathroom door last night (it usually lives on both sides of the door jamb, providing protection for the carpet there), as well as ample evidence of the squirrel chewing on both the rug and the apartment carpet on its route to escape.

My bathroom floor now is littered with carpet shavings, and the squirrel has won this round. I check the door clearance. When the door is open, there's maybe 2 inches free until it hits the linoleum floor. With the door closed, there's maybe 1 inch of airspace (without the extra rug) between the bottom of the door and the carpet, but apparently, one inch is all some squirrels need.

Now this thing is loose in my bedroom. My worst nightmare. I grab the trap and re-close the bathroom door, hopefully securing it from further invasion. I back myself into the bedroom and see a flash of tail as the squirrel takes refuge behind the desk in the corner of my room. I lay the trap at in front of the desk, knowing it's a useless action as I do so.

I slip into the bathroom, happy to be using it in peace and notice that it doesn't smell like it usually does. Could it really smell like this just from being closed up for 12 hours? That's not right. Then it occurs to me. I'm likely the olfactory victim of Eau de Squirrel Piss. Great. I retrieve a scented candle and put it to work, the cleaning will have to wait until my visitor is gone. Then I retreat to the couch to finish my book and take my mind off things.

I still hear the squirrel squeaking as I read, but I've gotten used to it by now and tune it out. I've also left the balcony door wide open, just in case the little bugger wants to move on to its next conquest. I know I'm not that lucky, but it's 6:30 in the morning and there's nothing left to do.

Maintenance knocks on my door at 8:30am. I thought I'd have to call him, but no, he swung by looking for the full trap I was supposed to leave on the stairs overnight for him to collect. I break the news to him. He takes it like a man.

He says he'll be back with a broom and squirrel-grabber-thingymawhatsit to get this thing out. He returns in minutes and beats the square foot behind the desk with his broom, trying to get some movement. Nothing. Then the poor man has to get down on his hands and knees in my messy bedroom and poke and prod at all the available crevices trying to roust this thing out.

But first he has to move some things, like my oversized teddy bear, a hamper full of clothes and my big bag o' porn. (I thought he was gonna strain a bicep). It's a good thing he doesn't have allergies, or the dustbunnies and cat hair would have laid him out flat. I'm sitting on my naked mattress wondering how many dildoes I have left out in plain sight, he's on the floor searching for rodents. We finally decide it's probably under the bed and he shoves the thingymawhatsit under the bed while I bounce up and down on top of it.

The squirrel flees with a thump and a streak of gray fur.

We abandon the bedroom (I close that door behind me too) and start searching the living and dining room for signs of the intruder. After 5 minutes we decide it's all clear and congratulate ourselves for the well-run execution of our extermination campaign.

Then we remember the dryer, the likely point of entrance for my overnight visitor. Mr Maintenance man gives it a cursory inspection and says he'll be back, but in the meantime, can I clear away the extra clothes so he has full access? Not a problem I say, and start scooping up clothes as soon as he leaves.

It seems I'm not done with the squirrel just yet. I look at the newly cleared space and see my visitor has left behind a scatological calling card. A personal Fuck You for both me and my laundry room floor. Maybe the squirrel had some coffee yesterday too.

Books Read in 2011

January - April

1. Powerful Italian, Penniless Housekeeper by India Grey2. Servant: the Acceptance by L.L. Foster3. Scandal: His Majesty's Love Child by Annie West4. Truly, Madly, Viking by Sandra Hill5. All Over You by Sarah Mayberry6. Having The Doctor's Baby by Theresa Southwick7. Private Demon by Lynn Viehl8. Hot For Him by Sarah Mayberry9. Lion's Heat by Lora Leigh10. Stranger by Megan Hart11. No Mercy by Sherillyn Kenyon12. Saturday Mornings by Peggy Webb13. Dark Needs by Lynn Viehl14. Jacob by Jacquelyn Frank15. Beguiled by Lori Foster16. With a Stetson and a Smile by Vicki Lewis Thompson17. Shakespeare's Landlord by Charlaine Harris18. Branded By Fire by Nalini Singh19. Blaze of Memory by Nalini Singh20. Not in My Bed! by Kate Hoffman21. Shakespeare's Champion by Charlaine Harris22. Night Lost by Lynn Viehl23. I is For Innocent by Sue Grafton24. WIFE is a Four Letter Word by Stephanie Bond25. Silver Borne by Patricia Briggs26. Home is for the Holidays by Sarah Mayberry27. Purity In Death by J.D. Robb28. Shakespeare's Christmas by Charlaine Harris29. Leave It To Cleavage by Wendy Wax30. Beyond Forever by Debra Dier31. Strange Bedpersons by Jennifer Crusie32. Servant: The Kindred by L.L. Foster33. Desire Unchained by Larissa Ione34. Breakfast in Bed by Robin Kaye35. J is for Judgment by Sue Grafton36. Evermore by Lynn Viehl37. Twilight Fall by Lynn Viehl38. Stay the Night by Lynn Viehl39. Lover Mine by J.R. Ward

48. Wild Fire by Christine Feehan49. Heartquake by Diane Pershing50. Beyond the Night by Susan Squires51. Shakespeare's Counselor by Charlaine Harris52. With Extreme Pleasure by Alison Kent53. Game For Anything by Bella Andre54. The Doctor's Forever Family by Marie Ferrarella55. The Comeback Cowboy by Cathy McDavid56. Smokin' Seventeen by Janet Evanovich57. Passion Unleashed by Larissa Ione58. Angel's Blood by Nalini Singh59. Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night by Kresley Cole60. Mountain Wild by Stacy Kane61. A Randall Hero by Judy Christenberry62. Shut Up & Kiss Me by Christie Craig63. Life of Pi by Yann Martel64. Mr Unforgettable by Karina Bliss65. Pillars of The Earth by Ken Follett66. Taken by Midnight by Lara Adrian67. Archangel's Kiss by Nalini Singh68. K is for Killer by Sue Grafton

75. Understood by Maya Banks76. Crazy Emma by Brandie Buckwine77. Cry Wolf by Patricia Briggs78. Maid for the Billionaire by Ruth Cardello79. Night of the Living Deed by EJ Copperman80. Down In Texas by Delilah Devlin81. Baby Bonanza by Maureen Child82. Too Much Temptation by Lori Foster83. Yours for the Taking by Robin Kaye84. Lover Unleashed by J. R. Ward85. Raine by Elizabeth Amber86. When You Dare by Lori Foster

Books Read in 2010

January

1. Wild Card by Lora Leigh2. Wolf Tales VI by Kate Douglas3. From Dead To Worse by Charlaine Harris4. Her Colorado Man by Cheryl St John5. Some Like It Hot-Buttered by Jeff Cohen6. Sins Of The Night by Sherrilyn Kenyon7. Blood Bound by Patricia Briggs8. Now & Then by Jacqueline Sheehan9. Loyalty In Death by J. D. Robb10. Undead and Unworthy by MaryJanice Davidson11. Sweet Discipline by Bonnie Hamre12. Break by Hannah Moskowitz13. Unleash the Night by Sherrilyn Kenyon

February

14. The Mistake She Made by Linda Style15. With Extreme Pleasure by Alison Kent16. Wolf Tales VII by Kate Douglas17. Dark Side of the Moon by Sherrilyn Kenyon18. Divorced, Desperate & Dating by Christie Craig19. The Dream-Hunter by Sherrilyn Kenyon20. Caitlyn's Prize by Linda Warren21. Healing Luke by Beth Cornelison22. The Groom Wore Tulle by Lynn Kurland23. Conyn's Bride by Ingrid Weaver24. The Screwed Up Life of Charlie The Second by Drew Ferguson25. Baby In Her Arms by Stella Mclean26. Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles27. Witness in Death by JD Robb

March

27. Simon Says Mommy by Kay Stockham28. Devil May Cry by Sherrliyn Kenyon29. He Calls Her Doc by Mary Brady30. Her Best Bet by Pamela Ford31. Jude's Law by Lori Foster

April

32. G is For Gumshoe by Sue Grafton33. Six by Opal Carew34. Milk Bitch Trilogy by Frances Gaines Bennett35. Judgment in Death by JD Robb36. Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris37. It Happened One Knife by Jeffrey Cohen

May

38. Iron-Kissed by Patricia Briggs39. She's Got It Bad by Sarah Mayberry40. The Desert King's Housekeeper Bride by Carol Marinelli41. Upon The Midnight Clear by Sherilynn Kenyon42. Only Pleasure by Lora Leigh43. Betrayal In Death by JD Robb

50. Divorced, Desperate and Deceived by Christie Craig51. Dead In the Family by Charlaine Harris52. Seduction in Death by JD Robb53. Love at First Flight by Marie Force54. Bone-Crossed by Patricia Briggs55. Playboy Boss, Live-In Mistress by Kelly Hunter56. Undead and Unwelcome by MaryJanice Davidson57. Flat-Out Sexy by Erin McCarthy

August- December

58. Lover Mine by J.D. Ward59. The Greek's Pregnant Love by Lucy Monroe60. A Piece of Heaven by Barbara Samuel61. Hard and Fast by Erin McCarthy62. Lightning that Lingers by Laura London63. Dream Chaser by Sherrilyn Kenyon64. Sizzling Sixteen by Janet Evanovich65. Wolf Tales VIII by Kate Douglas66. Ashes of Midnight by Lara Adrian67. Magnate's Mistress ... Accidentally Pregnant by Kimberly Lang68. Hot Finish by Erin McCarthy69. Reunion in Death by J.D. Robb70. Greek Tycoon, Waitress Wife by Julia James71. Dark Needs at Night's Edge by Kresley Cole72. Crazy For You by Jennifer Crusie73. Blade's Lady by Fiona Brand74. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows75. Marchese's Forgotten Bride by Michelle Reid76. Powerful Italian, Penniless Housekeeper by India Grey77. Servant: The Acceptance by L.L. Foster78. Scandal: His Majesty's Love Child by Annie West79. Maybe This Time by Jennifer Crusie80. Emily and the Notorious Prince by India Grey81. Naughty Nights at the Millionaire's Mansion by Robyn Grady82. Romeo, Romeo by Robin Kaye83. Demonfire by Kate Douglas84. Coulter's Woman by Maya Banks85. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger86. Shades of Midnight by Lara Adrian87. If Angels Burn by Lynn Veihl88. Heart of the Wolf by Terry Spears89. Crave by J.R. Ward90. What the Librarian Did by Karina Bliss91. H is For Homicide by Sue Grafton92. Their One and Only by Trista Ann Michaels93. Take On Me by Sarah Mayberry94. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella

12. Dirty by Megan Hart
13. Playing Easy To Get by Sherrilyn Kenyon et al
14. Tell Me Lies by Jennifer Crusie
15. Menage by Emma Holly
16. Tale of Two Vikings by Sandra Hill
17. Dreams From My Father by Barak Obama
18. Tanner's Scheme by Lora Leigh
19. The Bride With No Name by Marie Ferrarella
20. Looking For Alaska by John Greene
21. Rapture In Death by J.D. Robb

76. C is For Corpse by Sue Grafton
77. Talk Me Down by Victoria Dahl
78. The Watson Brothers by Lori Foster
79. Wild Rain by Christine Feehan
80. Club Dead by Charlaine Harris
81. Rescued By the Sheik by Barbara McMahon
82. Fire & Ice by Anne Stuart
83. Gone With the Nerd by Vicki Lewis Thompson
84. Nauti Dreams by Lora Leigh
85. A Hunger Like No Other by Kresley Cole
86. Family Blessings by LaVyrle Spencer
87. Gotcha! by Christie Craig
88. Deeper by Megan Hart
89. Dead To The World by Charlaine Harris

July

90. A Weaver Wedding by Allison Leigh
91. The Family He Wanted by Karen Sandler
92. A Night At The Operation by Jeffrey Cohen
93. Naughty Little Secret by Shelley Bradley
94. Burning Wild by Christine Feehan
95. Undead and Unreturnable by MaryJanice Davidson
96. Vengeance In Death by J.D. Robb
97. This Pen For Hire by Laura Levine
98. The Bachelor's Stand-In Wife by Susan Crosby
99. Agnes and The Hitman by Jennifer Crusie & Bob Mayer
100. Smooth Talkin' Stranger by Lisa Kleypas

YAY! I've read one hundred books this year!

August

101. Tempting The Beast by Lora Leigh
102. D is for Deadbeat by Sue Grafton
103. Legend by Jude Devereaux
104. Dad in Disguise by Kate Little
105. No Rest For The Wicked by Kresley Cole
106. Mother In The Making by Lilian Darcy
107. Practice Makes Perfect by Julie James
108. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
109. Dead As A Doornail by Charlaine Harris
110. Finger Lickin' Fifteen by Janet Evanovich
111. Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
112. Nice Girls Don't have Fangs by Molly Harper
113. A Not-So-Perfect-Past by Beth Andrews
114. Wolf Tales V by Kate Douglas
115. To Have And To Hold by Patricia Gaffney

That's it. 174 books read in 2009. Some were fantastic, some were average. A few were so bad they didn't even make the list because I couldn't finish them. I doubt I'll read as many in 2010. I plan on not having as much free time :-)