General
Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't
know how to drive, because people don't buy cars
like they buy computers, but imagine if they did....

HelpLine:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"Your cars stink!"

HelpLine:
"What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER:
"It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HelpLine:
"What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER:
"I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a
while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even
start up!"

HelpLine:
"I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if
you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER:
"Misuse it? I was just following this darned manual
of yours. It said to make the car go to put the
transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal.
That's exactly what I did --now the darn thing's
crashed."

HelpLine:
"Did you read the entire operator's manual before
operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER:
"What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING
the manual said and it didn't work!"

HelpLine:
"Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't
crash?"

CUSTOMER:
"How do you do THAT?"

HelpLine:
"You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's
on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER:
"Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read
this manual you know."

HelpLine:
"Of course not. What do you expect us to do about
it?"

CUSTOMER:
"I want you to send me one of the latest versions
that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

HelpLine:
"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go
anywhere!"

HelpLine:
"Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER:
"Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine:
"There's a little gauge on the front panel with
a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is
the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER:
"It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine:
"It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it
yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER:
"What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell
me that I have to keep buying more components? I
want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HelpLine:
"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your
car because it has automatic transmission, cruise
control, power steering, power brakes, and power
door locks."

HelpLine:
"Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"How do I work it?"

HelpLine:
"Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:
"Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine:
"Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:
"I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places
in my car!"

HelpLine:
"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"I got in my car and closed the door and nothing
happened!"

HelpLine:
"Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn
it?"

CUSTOMER:
"What's an ignition?"

HelpLine:
"It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER:
"Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all these technical terms just to use my
car?"