How To Put Sunscreen On A Toddler

1. Find a toddler. They’re usually the two foot high maniacs running around the house with a fistful of Goldfish screaming “Mine! Mine! Mine! Nooooo! Wahhh! I don’t wanna!” before crashing face first into the coffee table.

2. Once said toddler is in your clutches, remove their clothing as fast as humanly possible. Since there is a 100% chance they will not be cooperative while this is happening, begin by pulling their shirt over their head, thereby completely trapping their arms and face until it is once again safe to release them. They will then kick you.

3. Keeping one hand on the toddler, grab a bottle of sunscreen with the other. (Note: The brand of sunscreen doesn’t matter, but if you have a boy toddler, do not buy a pink bottle because he will then say that it’s only for “stoopid pwincesseth,” and you will then have to spend the next 20 minutes convincing him that sunscreen is not inherently gender-biased, and using it will not reflect poorly on his manhood.)

4. Still keeping one hand on the toddler, get out a shot glass and fill it with sunscreen. Per child experts, this is the proper amount of lotion you will need to put on your child. Per mother experts, it is also the proper amount of whiskey you will need to put in yourself after a big day of summer fun with your family.

5. Pour a bit of sunscreen onto your palm, then rub your hands together so it looks like you’re wearing two white gloves. Hold up your hands in the ready position, stare the toddler dead in the eye, then loudly announce, “Get ready! Here comes the sunscreen!”

6. Attack.

7. As toddler repeatedly screams, “NO, NO! IT BUR-UNS!” and you repeatedly scream, “HOLD STILL!”, rub in the sunscreen as fast as your mothereffin’ hands can move. Feet, toes, legs, torso; if there’s skin, it’s gettin’ covered and it’s getting covered good. As God is your witness, there will be no sunburns this year. Not on your damn watch.

8. If things go bad and the slippery toddler pulls the patented “limp fish” move and manages to escape, give chase immediately. The little ones are usually easily caught. However, if you’re dealing with an evil genius toddler, you may find yourself in a rather tense stand-off situation as they scream, “You NOT the boss of me!” and threaten to roll their SPF-covered body all over your one nice couch. Should this happen, resist all urges to maim their Elmo doll with a meat thermometer, and instead, calmly call for back-up.

9. When back-up (Daddy) finally arrives, designate him as official Toddler Holder, then delicately yet furiously apply sunscreen to the little, unhappy face in front of you. Be sure to get the back of the neck and behind the ears, and if any lotion accidentally lands in the toddler’s eyes, mouth or nose and causes them to start howling like a drag queen at a Clay Aiken concert, simply wipe it off and say, “Oops, sorry! But that wouldn’t have happened if you’d stayed still like I asked you to, now would it?”

10. Once every square inch of the body is covered in a thin, white layer of lotion, wrangle the toddler into his brightly colored swimwear. Depending on the amount of push-back you receive, this may turn into either a TaeBo workout or an impromptu Pilates class. (Also, as this may quickly become a two-person task, do not let the official Toddler Handler go back to watching Sportscenter and eating his weight in chicken wings until the mission has been completed.)

11. Now that the toddler has more protection from the sun than a cellar-dwelling Eskimo in a HazMat suit, you’re finally good to go. Fling open the front door, grab your family and head on out for your day of fun! You deserve it. Oh, and don’t forget to take along your shot glass because the sunscreen will need to be reapplied every two hours.

The whiskey, every one.

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The lovely and talented Ann over at Ann’s Rants finally gave in to my begging and pleading and whimpering, and let me participate in her Free Association Fridays today. Click on over!

Comments

Have you been stalking us and peeking in my curtains again?? I thought the judge talked to you about that.

:::sigh::: Well, the least you can do is come back tonight after 7 so you can write the follow-up: how to get a toddler to take an oatmeal bath, and have aloe vera gel with lidocaine applied to the white racoon rings around the eyes, hair part, and stripe right around the waist that you somehow missed.

If you live up in northern New England, you must follow this exercise with the outdoor application of bug spray: “I said CLOSE your mouth! Don’t move! Get back here or I will feed you to the hungry, West Nile Virus/EEE-infested mosquitoes myself!”

It almost makes a mom look forward to the switch over to jeans and fleece–but not quite.

The alternative, of course, is to have a tiny little princess in the house who thinks that “wo-shun” must be applied every two minutes. Heaven help you if the tiny princess manages to get her hands on the sunscreen instead of the baby lotion! My husband was napping on the couch when Princess decided daddy needed “wo-shun” and applied it liberally, if spottily to his legs. Did you ever see a man with little white polka dots on his legs? No? C’mon over to my house where Daddy still hasn’t managed to get his legs to tan evenly!

That was hysterical and spot-on. I have gone many rounds with my kids in the sunscreen application cage-match and somehow I always come out with a head wound or at the very least a softball sized bruise. It’s like wrestling a greased pig minus the entertainment value.

I generally force them to the ground and order my obese cat to lie on them. Well, it’s less forcing and more heaving the cat onto their chest and the cat’s inability to get up on its on w/o a five-minute head start. Sure cat hair mingles with the sunscreen but it’s something the kids can chew on later when they’re hungry.

Ahhh…the good old days. When my kids were that age, the rage was the purple tinted sunscreen that supposedly disappeared after it was rubbed in. However, it didn’t seem to disappear of my mother’s white couch very well after the wallowing temper tantrum, and the kids had a purple pallor to their skin for a while.

I use that spray kind and attack them out on the back deck as they run shrieking like they’re being attacked by rabid squirrels as I run after them with the can spraying wildly like a freak. It’s good exercise though.

I love the resisting the urge to impale Elmo with a meat thermometer line. I have to be a kill joy and mention the article that I just read that said that using spray sunscreen is causing kids (and adults) to inhale the hormone interrupters and heavy metals in the sunscreen.

I tried this today without your directions. Oh if only I had had your directions before I tried it! I could have used a toddler handler for my task. This is so freaking hilarious because it is completely and utterly accurate!

*sigh* I love you.

Not like that, but you know…like as in “a mediocre writer loves an awesome writer.”

You are a brilliant writer and funny as hell. I’ve been out of the blog loop for awhile and just checked in to see what you’re up to. The graduation story had me laughing out loud, and this one was so visual! You crack me up. I LOVE your writing.

Since my toddlers are twins, it’s imperative to follow instructions 7 & 10 to the letter. I also suggest starting an exercise plan in the spring so that you will have increased upper body strength (the 30 minute shred is good). It’s also a good idea to make sure the swim diaper is on first since peeing on the floor can be a fantastic means of escape.

NOTE: Following the aforedescribed sunscreen battle with toddler, DO NOT be so exhausted and defeated that you forget to put any of the sunscreen on yourself, thus allowing yourself to become a blistered, lobsterlike mass. Like I do. Every time.

Thanks for the laugh! I am going to have to share a story with you.
When my oldest was about 9months old we took him camping, and being the responsible parent that I am, I put sun block on him. “No sunburn’s on my watch”. Well I somehow got some in his eyes, which immideatly caused him to start screeching. Being a new mom, I was traumatized but, what could I do about it. So I tried to console him but eventually gave up and set my then crawling son on the floor of our friends trailer. He then proceeded t crawl over to the door and stand up, the door wasn’t closed all the way and he fell out and hit his head n the hard dirt. Which caused him to really start scraming! The good news. all the bawling got the sunscreen out of his eyes! Mother of the year here. just some advice.

I have an evil genius toddler (she employs the passive resistance method at any opportunity and just collapses on the floor) and the world’s most ticklish 3-year-old. As soon as you touch him, particularly on the back of the neck (wouldn’t it be one of the most important places to get the sunscreen?), he tucks himself into a shrieking, giggling little ball rolling around the floor. And I just follow with dabs of sunscreen, trying to jab in with it wherever and whenever I can.

Very funny
Our children spend so litle time outdoors y our we covering them in sunscreen instead of just going outside in of peek hours our we trying to make them have health issues by the time they our 5 and the person who sugested using spray on lotions only exposes the child to more chemicals by allowing them to inhale the chemicals in the sunscreens
This excatly y magazines have to ofer issues with no perfume samples in them we have over exposed ourselves to toxins day in and day out how is that supposed to be good for anyone espessialy the children>

True, True, True.
Best method I found was using spray sunscreen.
Distract Toddler, place hand on head, and attack them, whilst pretending you’re getting into a water fight. quick rub in and release them into the wild.

Warning this method may not be a good idea around any area without wipe clean surfaces.

But when does anyone with a toddler have surfaces that aren’t wipe clean?