I’m Voting for Trump Because I Miss Being Able to Grope My Secretary and Living in Constant Fear of Nuclear Annihilation

We have a choice in this election. Do we want to bring America back to her golden age, when men were men and global superpowers fought for the upper hand, or do we want to keep moving toward an equal society with a lower chance of violence? My vote for Donald Trump is about much more than my deep-seated misogyny and wish to sexually harass every woman I see. It’s about my profound desire to return to a time when we were always afraid of nuclear war.

Of course treating women like objects is fun, but let’s not forget the Cold War. My support for Donald Trump is shaped by more than my longing for the ability to grope women without repercussions. For me, it really comes down to the thrill that goes along with the world constantly on the brink of complete destruction.

Remember the Cuban Missile Crisis? Sure, at the time I was able to assault women and would often be applauded for it. Still, the adrenaline rush from knowing that nuclear missiles could be launched at any moment put all that fun to shame. Kennedy or Khrushchev could have easily faltered during those 13 days and plunged the world into darkness. Billions of lives could have been lost in minutes. Civilization could have ceased to exist. And you just can’t get that kind of excitement with a Hillary Clinton presidency.

With Trump, however, the clock would always be about to strike midnight. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely pro-Trump in part because of the potential to further restrict women’s access to healthcare and show our children that sexism is not only acceptable, but actually celebrated. But if we want to “Make America Great Again,” going back to a male-dominated world isn’t enough. We need to do more than that. We need to put someone’s finger on the button, and we need to know that everything we love could be destroyed at any time. Donald Trump finally gives us that opportunity.

Set aside Trump’s bragging about sexual assault and countless other actions degrading women. His opinions on nuclear weapons are even better. He continuously asks foreign policy experts why he can’t use nuclear weapons, he wants more nations to have them, and he generally seems to lack understanding of the relevant terminology. At any moment, Trump could order a first strike thinking that it will defeat ISIS, allow unstable regimes to have nuclear missiles, or he may just get offended by a tweet and launch one as a “fuck you” to all the haters out there.

This is the kind of mindset that will make life exciting again. We could all turn to dust in the blink of an eye. Plus, with everyone scared out of their minds and worried that they’re about to die, it’ll be much easier to grab women by the pussy.