Being a girl definitely has its pros and cons. We have the tools to enhance our appearance and trick other people into thinking we are good looking. We have an undeniable power over men that is best described as “having boobs.” We get into the bars/clubs for free and rarely need to open our wallet. However, being a girl takes a lot of hard work.

We are expected to perform the same jobs for less money. We are viewed as the weaker sex even when we prove our strength time and time again, and then ya know, there’s always the small task of GROWING A TINY HUMAN inside of us and then pushing it out of our bodies and taking care of it for the rest of forever. These pros and cons are just the tip of the girly iceberg.

Below I have listed what I feel are the most important things people should know about what it’s like to be a girl. My fellow females can relate, and men, take notes.

1. We hate getting ready more than you hate waiting for us to get ready.

The process of “getting ready” is the absolute bane of my existence. Until I have showered, blow-dried, straightened/curled, applied makeup, and gotten dressed…I am a prisoner in my own home. This does not apply to ALL women (damn you, naturally beautiful demons) but it does apply to most. If you are an average looking human like myself, there are so many steps that must be taken before you can take on the world feeling confident and fully prepared to run into your ex and his new girlfriend.

Men usually complain about having to wait around for their girlfriend or wife to get ready, and they should know that we are equally pained over the process. The thing that bothers me the most about getting ready is all the time I have wasted in my life just trying to look presentable. If my hair was naturally straight or wavy instead of a tangled knot from hell, I could have probably solved world hunger by now. Or better yet, I could get an extra hour of sleep per day.

The truth about the female obsession with our appearance, aside from societal pressure to look sexually appealing, is that we do it mainly for ourselves and for other females. As long as my boobs haven’t fallen off, a guy who finds me attractive will continue to do so no matter what I wear or how I do my hair, but other women aren’t as easy to pull one over on. It sounds vain and maybe it is, but most women just don’t feel comfortable or beautiful in their natural state.

Also, yes I’d LOVE to go in the pool, but it took me an hour and a half to look this mediocre so I cannot get my hair/face wet. #thestruggle

2. So…. many…. appointments.

In order to maintain our appearance, we spend our precious time and money in various salons: hair, nails, tanning, waxing, etc. I actually don’t mind getting my hair done because it is relaxing and I enjoy catching up with my friend/hairstylist, but it is always difficult to block off the three hours necessary to color and cut my hair. “Well then don’t color your hair, wear it natural.” I would do that if my natural hair color combined with my complexion didn’t make me look like a member of the Addams family.

I personally don’t go tanning due to the health risks, so my least favorite beauty appointment is a tie between nails and waxing my eyebrows (I try to do this as infrequently as possible). Every time I walk into a nail salon, I curse the evil witch who decided women should have their nails painted. It is painfully boring and awkward as you sit uncomfortably close to a woman you don’t know and watch her massage your hands. One hour of record low brain activity and trying desperately to find something to focus your eyes so you don’t make eye contact later, you go home only to find that you smudged your polish while fishing your keys out of your purse.

And then, there is waxing. Every time I am lying down on a table waiting for someone to rip out my eyebrows, I stare at the ceiling and think, “I am voluntarily paying a small Asian woman to torture me. This is so fucked.”

Many people make the snap judgment that women who partake in such beauty routines are “high maintenance.” I understand why it can appear that way, but the way I see it, if I need to sacrifice some time and money to avoid looking like something that just crawled out of a sewer, I’m game.

3. If we put out immediately, we are slutty. If we don’t, we are prude.

This is always a lose/lose situation. Girls who give it up too quickly are viewed as promiscuous while girls who want to wait to get to know a guy before sleeping with him are prude and “stand-offish.” I’ve had guys tell me they got the vibe I wasn’t interested in them just because I wouldn’t sleep with them immediately. It’s absolutely ridiculous and it makes dating even more complicated than it already is. Do you want a girl who has standards when it comes to who she sleeps with or a girl who is down to sleep with whoever comes her way? Either one is fine, but make up your minds.

4. We are funnier than society gives us credit for.

We live in a culture where it is assumed that men are the funnier gender, and it is simply not true. Most of my friends who make me laugh to the point of tears are girls. I also know many men who are extremely clever and funny as well, my point being that humor is not gender exclusive. It troubles me that people are always shocked when women are funny.

5. We make love a top priority.

Girls will do just about anything for love. If you don’t believe me, ask any one of those train wrecks from The Bachelor. I believe this is our biggest downfall and also what makes us so brave. There is nothing more courageous than allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Some of the time, this vulnerability blows up in our faces and leaves us broken hearted, but we are always willing to get back on the horse when the next guy comes around…even when that first horse bucked us off into a barbed wire fence. When it comes to love, girls are definitely the more resilient gender. We get hurt time and time again but we never stop hoping that next time will be better. We know it’s always worth another try.

On the contrary, some guys never get over the rejection and trust issues they developed from the time in 4th grade when Sarah circled “no” on the “Will you be my girlfriend?” note. They will use that hurt to fuel a 20-year cycle of emotionally unavailability and destructive behavior. The whole “Hello sweet and kind girl, I got hurt one time a few years ago so I’m basically going to fuck your shit up” attitude is getting a bit played out.

One other downside to this fact is that once your girlfriends do find love, they will most likely fall off the face of the earth. Major shout out to girls who can balance love and friendship, you are the Michael Jordan of sisterhood (I think he was like named MVP and he was good at basketball and Space Jam and stuff, you get the point).

6. If you don’t LOVE Beyoncé, you must not tell a soul.

7. We constantly have to think about our safety.

Girls actually have to plan their activities based around the likelihood of getting abducted, raped or murdered. We know not to walk around town, run errands or take out the trash late at night by ourselves. It sounds extremely paranoid but the casualness of this concept is frightening. It’s not something I worry about; it’s just a part of every day life. Much like a colonial family in the 1700’s, I plan my life around the sun. If I’m by myself, my nighttime activities only consist of visiting populated areas and well-lit parking lots.

All girls who have been walking through a parking garage late at night have thought, “Well, this is it. This is where it ends. I hope my parents give CNN a flattering photo of me for the news. I hope Nancy Grace says kind words about me.” My friends and I have actual preplanned text codes that mean “I’m currently in a strangers trunk and there’s a shovel back here which can’t be good so…help.” Also, going for a jog in wooded areas never seems to end well for young women. This is why I don’t jog….among other reasons.

8. Sometimes we receive special treatment and can get what we want solely because we are women.

We get into most bars for free. We can attempt to flirt our way out of a speeding ticket. True story, I once made a joke about being on my way to a terrorist support group and he let me off the hook for my “charm.” If a man tried that, he would be in handcuffs faster than you can say “sexism.” Men just come up to us and ask to buy us drinks basically for no other reason than that we have a vagina. Sorry buddy but a vodka sprite isn’t going to gain you access…mozzarella sticks might though. Bitches love mozzarella sticks.

9. It’s freaking expensive.

Clothes, pants, leggings, tights, skirts, dresses, shirts, sweaters, blouses, blazers, jackets, coats, daily underwear, “this will be seen by another human being who I want to find me attractive” underwear, high boots, low boots, heeled boots, snow boots, casual boots, sandals, flip flops, high heels, sneakers, hair products, jewelry, makeup, hair spray, nail polish, perfumes, Bobbi pins, hair ties, straighteners, blow-dryers, curling irons, other various girl products… IT JUST NEVER ENDS. Every time I go to the mall and am reminded of all of these things I am supposed to buy, I’m at risk of a brain aneurysm (shout out to spell check).

11. We shed.

I lose at least 20 strands of hair every time I blow-dry or straighten it. Between my roommate and me, there are legit tumbleweeds of hair currently blowing around my apartment floor. It’s like the desert in there minus the cacti.

12. We’d be lost without our mom.

Whether we are crying over skinned knees at 5, dealing with backstabbing friends at 15 or getting our hearts broken at 25, we never stop needing our mom. No one cares about you or understands your problems quite like your mom. I recently called my mom asking how to make scrambled eggs, solidifying the fact that I would actually die without her. If we have a good relationship with our mom, we take her opinion very seriously. Make a good impression on a girl’s mother, and you’ll be set.

13. Our boobs and backs constantly hurt.

Our backs hurt from carrying our boobs around all day and our boobs hurt for no goddamn reason at all.

14. We probably enjoy food more than you.

Girls are always being pegged as birdlike eaters, ordering something low in calories like a salad or sushi. The Hunger Games is nothing compared to a table of five hungry girls trying to share nachos or a Dominos pizza.

15. If we are single, we are supposed to feel bad about it.

If we are in a relationship, we are persistently asked when we might get married or have babies.

Somewhere in the fucked up course of history, society decided that a woman’s happiness is determined by whether or not she is in a relationship with a man. When I tell someone I am single, they act like I just told them I’m HIV positive. Being single does not mean you are sad and lonely, it just means you haven’t found the right person yet. The only times I feel bad about being single are when I feel the societal pressure to be in a relationship, when I have to kill a spider or when my groceries are too heavy. I’m confident that the right guy will come along, and when he does, he will have been worth the wait.

If you ARE in a relationship, everyone asks you when he’s going to pop the question. Once you’re engaged, all people can talk to you about is the wedding. When you’re married, everyone wants to know when you will be having babies. It’s a merry go round of personal invasive questions that women can’t seem to get off of. BRIEF GUIDE for the people who feel the need to inquire about these personal topics on the reg. When she has a ring on her finger, he popped the question. The wedding planning is going great and when you notice a large bump has grown where her flat stomach used to be, it’s probably because there’s a baby in there. No irritating questioning necessary.

16. The overwhelming consensus of the male population is that girls are “crazy.”

This is a difficult stigma to break. I will start out by saying yes; some women are completely bat shit crazy but you can’t let a few bad eggs (unintentional pun) ruin it for the rest of us. Whenever a guy tells me his “ex is crazy,” I always see this as a red flag. They throw the term around so frequently, I can’t determine whether they are full of shit or not. If she is so crazy, why would you date her for so long? Maybe you’re a little crazy, too. What exactly constitutes one as being crazy anyway? Did she slash your tires or did she just express a human feeling? Did she try to burn your house to the ground or simply ask you where the relationship was headed?

Guys send mixed signals then stamp a girl with the title of “crazy” when she just did something as insane as trust that you meant the things you said or did. I have held my feelings back in several relationships in an attempt to not appear crazy, and looking back, I regret it. The problems you’ve had with a girl in the past shouldn’t carry over to another person. I do believe women should learn to take things slow, back off when necessary and get control over their feelings, but it isn’t right to decide an entire gender is insane.

17. Girls are quick to turn on each other.

I have lost count how many times I’ve heard a girl rip apart another woman for getting in between her and her boyfriend, when he’s the actual one to blame. Unless that other woman is your friend or relative, it’s really a waste of energy to be angry with a complete stranger. 90% of the time, she isn’t even aware of your existence. Place the blame where it belongs. And girls, just stop sleeping with other people’s boyfriends, it’s tacky.

18. We are judged based on our appearance.

“You can’t be a history teacher. You’re blonde.” – a real thing a real person actually said to me one time

19. We can barely make it through a day without being sexually harassed.

The next man in a coffee shop or grocery store who tells me I should smile, is walking out of there with a broken limb. I’ll smile when I feel like it, DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

20. We are not nearly as complicated as men think we are.

Women have earned the reputation of being complicated and in reality, we are simpler than one might realize. We want what everyone wants: to be loved and appreciated, to be treated with respect, to be told the truth, to have a solid group of friends, to have good hair days and to not get roofied and murdered in a back alley somewhere. It’s really that simple.

Beyoncé said it best, “Who runs the world? GIRLS.” We work, we raise babies, we take care of our families, we arrange all vacation plans, and we make the time to look good doing it. Women are often underestimated but one time Mia Hamm told me in a Nike commercial that anything men can do, we can do better, so that’s how I know it’s true. We have way more on our minds than pumpkin spice lattes, Ryan Gosling without a shirt on and the Kardashians. As Cyndi Lauper once said in a song, “Girls just wanna have equal pay, a decent man to love, a boss that doesn’t sexually harass her, not to get abducted by a stranger while on a jog and then maybe some fun, too” or something like that. Girl Powah.

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