Outfit // People Pleaser

07/20/2016

Being a teen is hard, you guys. It seems like every year I look back at the last one and cringe. Why did I think, say, do those things? Who in the world did I think I was? And of course when I do that, I learn a little lesson in humility that I can only pray will stick with me for the next day. I have a bad habit of taking myself too seriously, putting on a “mature” face so that people will respect me, and putting on my “prideful” suit so that way no one can hurt me. I’m afraid of being vulnerable, of revealing too much of my imperfect soul to those around me, and receiving criticism or a different point of view.

One of my greatest character deficiencies is definitely my need to please people. Hands-down, I am a “people-pleaser”. I won’t wear certain clothes around people I want to impress for fear of getting their disapproval. I’ll say certain things a certain way to make people I admire like me. I will bend my lifestyle if need be to get someone to take notice. At heart, I crave attention, and will do almost anything to get it.

This past year, this aspect of my character has hurt me so much, in so many ways. I wrapped myself up in an identity that wasn’t truly my own just to gain the respect and attention of someone who, at the time, I greatly respected. Then, when that friendship broke off, I found myself loathing all that I had identified myself with and had gotten so wrapped up in for so many months. I was sick of it, I couldn’t stand certain items of clothing, and various activities that were associated with my effort to please this person.

When this Spring rolled around, and I found myself free of those bonds, I went into a tail-spin. I would do everything everybody didn’t expect me to do. My heart and soul plummeted into something I had not known myself to be capable of. I would have days where I was completely rebellious against everyone and everything, and would collapse into an angry, upset mood. I reveled in it! I loved being so unexpected, so unpredictable. It felt so freeing from the identity that I had morphed myself into in the previous months. I knew how I was affecting my family was wrong, and I look back on those days with regret and confusion. They blur in my mind like a dark, foggy storm that I only know how to interpret as the explosion of my self-imposed time-bomb of “people pleasing”.

After one particularly difficult day of all this drama, I was huddled up into a little ball, sobbing, while I poured out my heart to my mom and dad, and tried to communicate what was going on. I praise the Lord that He has given me such understanding and wise parents! As we laid out all that was welled up in my heart, I realized just how much of my life and heart I had devoted to one single person, to please them and gain their respect-I was completely drained. I had lost myself, my identity, and I was floundering to find it again.

This Summer has been an incredible time of healing and letting myself be who I want to be, dress the way I want to dress, and rediscovering my independent, passionate spirit. The Lord gave me unique, distinct interests, passions, loves, and desires; and I am learning how I can express those outside of the boundaries of somebody else’s preferences.

As “people pleasers”, it can be so easy to put the blame on the person/people you are trying to impress. And sometimes somebody’s dominating or manipulating character can have a big impact. But I’m learning that if I am going to have a healthy relationship with anybody, I need to not set aside who I am. Healthy relationships are built upon mutual interest, not just one person giving way to the other. It’s an easy trap to fall into if your admiration or love for someone runs deep, but it’s one we must avoid at all costs if you don’t want the rug pulled out from under you later, like I had this past Spring.

This may sound petty, but it’s a current passion of mine that I want to share 🙂 With Brigid’s wedding coming up this Fall, and our girls’ singing schedule slowing down, I have decided to grow out my hair! Brigid and I have had our locks trimmed short pretty consistently for the past 2-3 years to provide ease of getting ready for our singing gigs while still looking era-appropriate; and I’ve decided that it’s time for a change. I am finding a balance between my love for vintage styles as well as modern fashions in my clothing and makeup, and growing out my hair is giving me so much more freedom of expression. I’ve always wanted to master an elegant up-do or a waterfall braid, and I am so excited to finally be giving myself a chance to try those out again after so many years of not being able to! It also gives me a chance to wear Lilla Rose Flexi Clips more, which is always a plus 🙂 It’s been the little things that I change in my lifestyle, like growing out my hair, wearing modern t-shirts, picking up piano again (after 3 years of not playing!), swiping on my favorite bright purple lipstick, that I find can be great healing balms and ways to rediscover who I am as an individual.

So here’s to the individuality that God has given each and everyone of us, and expressing that to the fullest!

About Charlotte

I am a passionate artist + curator of beauty in every sphere of life. Pretty graphics, brand identities, and pizza are my love language. I’m a self-taught guru in all things graphic & web design, photography, and branding.

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We enjoy your comments so much! But please, if you don't have anything nice to say, refrain from expressing it on our blog. Boyer Sisters is a judgement-free zone, and we welcome all community engagement that comes from a place of love, rather than fear. Thanks for taking the time to comment! :)

Hi Mary! Thanks so much for your sweet comment! To be honest, I was actually born with my curl 😉 But it wasn’t until I got layers for the first time that I discovered it! I just let my hair air dry, and it dries curly all over.

Dear Charlotte,
I was very disturbed by your message. What you mention is exactly what I have felt for years. Until 10 years ago in made ​​. Until I met my husband. It gave me confidence in myself. Wanting to please everyone I strongly believe in due to a lack of confidence , not only in adolescence. I was 27 when I got married and I am still working on this bad habit of wanting to please everyone. I try to assume that if I did not wound people , is that we do not listen to us or that we do not have the same values. You are wonderful. Believe in you ! Thank you my friend.
Ps. Your skirt is really very beautiful.
God bless you.
Marlène

Charlotte,
Your post really spoke to my heart. I am probably the biggest people pleaser I know. I have had so many of the same feelings as you and I am a couple years out of being a teen now, but as a teen and still now I definitely have remaining feelings and regrets and some confusion as well about the ways I have changed for others. I just kept nodding my head and thinking about how hard that is sometimes as I read your experience, and I’m so grateful you’re sharing it with other girls because being a people pleaser is definitely something we have to find balance with, especially as young girls who are impressionable in our hearts and minds. I thank the Lord for His love and direction that comes to us and guides us to being who we really are in our own identity, and I thank Him too for parents like yours and positive, godly influences that help us find that.

I love your outfit! What a lovely mix of modern with vintage flair with your skirt♥ And your lipstick is perfect. It’s so fun to experiment with vivid lipsticks.
How neat that you’re growing out your hair! It’s such a neat feeling to change things up in different ways, whether doing something new with your hairstyle or color or your style. I am in a similar boat, but on the flip side- my hair has always been very long, and sometimes I think about how wonderful it’d feel to get a bob cut. I’ll get the guts one day 😉

Oh, how this resonates with me! I still struggle with being a people pleaser, although I am getting better at stopping to think about whether I am being true to myself. It’s so easy to fall back into the habit of becoming the person you think will be more likable to others. This was such a good read, and may we both continue to discover our own unique gifts that God has given us!

Yes my dearest Charlotte, I am most definitely a people pleaser. Let me tell you, as someone who learnt the hard way, how I remain a people pleaser and still keep my sense of self. After being hurt many many times, often by people I had admired and respected, I began to get fed up of giving people what they wanted all the time and receiving very little in return. I would cry and berate myself over what I did wrong or thought I did wrong, that then led me to get hurt. As I grew older i withdrew into myself, and kept well away from people, so I could just be me. This is also not a good idea. There is a balance, I find that those who truly love me, accept the way I am, do not need me to bend to their ideas and cherish me as the individual I am, but others who pop in and out of my life or who I may come across occasionally, may want or expect me to be a certain way. I please these people to a certain extent, but if something they are doing or saying bothers me then I smile and accept that in them but politely back away or explain that I’m not comfortable behaving a certain way but I respect their view and hope they can respect mine. It feels good to be sure of your own identity, so please allow those who love you the most, help you find it and then shine my dear, as I know you can. It’s so good to see you looking happy and I know life will just keep getting better for you. Many blessings.

Hi Charlotte! I have been reading the blog more and more lately-your posts are so beautiful and refreshing, just like the 3 of you ?

I completely identify with your people pleasing struggle. I used to think this was a “harmless” sin(not that there ever is such a thing), but have recently realized the anger and resentment it has produced in my heart. I’ve spent so much time try to be what others wanted, that I lost sight of what God thought and who he made me to be. I did read an excellent book called “When Peoole are Big and God is Small” that was helpful. I think it’s a lifelong process to overcome, but it is such a blessing that the Lord has revealed it to you while you are still very young. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Also- your hair looks beautiful! Can’t wait to see what you do with it as it grows out and look forward to more tutorials ?

Thank you so much for your sweet comment, Laurel! I will definitely be checking out that book (I’ve been craving a book that will help me spiritually, and Mom says we already own a copy, so woohoo 😀 ). I definitely agree that overcoming this weakness is a life-long process, but praise the Lord that we have Him to guide us through it!!

And thank you for your compliment on my hair! I am loving it so much, and I can’t wait to see what I do either 😉

All I can say is wow. As I started reading through your post I became astonished. I felt like I was reading about myself. I am having the same problem. I am encouraged by your testimony greatly. Thank you for being so honest and sharing what could be difficult to share. (especially people-pleasers) I am really grateful for the recent honest and encouraging posts from each one of you. I pray the Lord blesses you all!

Is it just me to whom it is really difficult to read about people going through the same things I am? It brings out the tears that I try to hide, and just is rather inconvenient.

You are so blessed to have parents you can be open with! It’s hard to have to figure things out on my own.

I’m a terrible people-pleaser. I never feel adequate, I never measure up to others’ expectations, and it frustrates me. I then question God, and hate myself for that. It’s a good thing He is a faithful God!

1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make a way of escape, so that you may be able to bear it.”

Dearest Charlotte–you are so transparent and shoot from the heart–and I greatly admire your transparency because God only works his will in us when we can truthfully admit it–you are so loved Charlotte, when this life is all said and done–no one is going to be standing next to you on that day when you stand there–before the LORD, only you Charlotte will give an account of this life you have led–you will not be standing to be judged–you will be asked one question, by him who has always loved you the most–Jesus–what did you do for me? You are amazing at your age to realize that you are a people pleaser–it took me so many years to realize that and by then I was hurt and hurt and hurt again. But the calling God has placed on your precious life and the giftings are for you and you alone–My prayer for you is—YOU WILL BECOME A GOD PLEASER–life gets so much simpler and easier then. I love you dearly, Sincerely one of your greatest fans, Grams

What a blessing this post is! I am so happy to know I am not the only teenager in this world that feels like this – I am a people pleaser too! In fact, this very evening I was talking to my mum, and yeah I realise that I am quite a hypocrite sometimes!! Around certain people I wear certain things, or don’t wear certain things, and act differently to try and impress, then act immature around my family and sometimes I feel so fake. How old are you by the way? I’m 17. 🙂
Thank you so much
Greetings from Ireland ~

It can be really hard to not try and please people by becoming who they expect you to be rather than who you are. I’ve feeling similar pressure and have been working on letting go of those false expectations and taking time to just be me. 🙂

Ah Charlotte! What a well-written, and totally relatable post! I very much get where you are coming from! My people-pleasing tendencies back-fire way too often! I appreciate you sharing your style changes and how God is giving you freedom to bloom and shine!
And you look wonderful, as always!

Charlotte, I love your hair. I have curly hair, so I love when someone else has managed to tame their locks in a delightfully pleasing manner. I still have trouble controlling the rebellious frizz! I would also have to say that I am a people pleaser. I want to make people happy, and that tendency to please (in an of itself not necessarily wrong) can turn into the people pleasing of hiding ourselves to project an image that we think that person wants to see. It is one thing to try to please someone. It is another thing to try to change who we are to gain their approval which is where I sometimes struggle.

Thank you so much for your post! It was very encouraging 🙂 What you said applied to me so much! I do/have done those exact same things, and with God’s help, I’m trying to do better 🙂 It’s so easy to try to impress people, want everyone to think highly of you, but I just keep reminding myself that I need to impress God, not man.
Thank you girls for running this blog! It’s always fun and encouraging, and I relate to you often 🙂

Oh, sweetie. You’re a normal teenager. As a teenager life is a mess and you try to find out who you are – all will be good. Your brain is literally “under construction”, but you have such clever thoughts and opinions, so I am sure it will soon be over. Have a lovely day, dear. 🙂

So true! I had never really thought of myself as people-pleaser until I read this, and I do the exact thing–very different clothing styles (among many other things) in front of certain people. And rediscovering one’s individuality through the little things… Definitely something I need to work on, because it’s so easy to be influenced by others, while ignoring one’s own personal expression. What a timely post!

That very first paragraph made me chuckle in a only ‘sort of amused’ fashion. Being a “teen” may be hard, but it’s not even that. It’s being a grown-up, a Christian, a culture-defier that is hard. 🙂 Struggles and heart-aches come, but praise God, through Him we can conquer!

I had noticed that your hair was getting longer–it looks lovely! 🙂 How long are you planning on letting it grow?

Great article! I’ve always struggled with pleasing people, doing what I want yet crumbling or seeing people who disapprove as enemies of the highest order. Ugh, and attention.. I’m 44 and I still crave/need attention like when I was ten! “Look look what I made, did, am wearing, ect” is this wrong? A sin? I don’t know but I know that I feel lost or afraid when I am repeatedly ignored. Now what you said about how little things can matter so much I agree! A new lipstick or a walk in a new place can feel life changing which I think is such a good thing. It’s not shallow to find such a huge impact by little things it’s a reminder how important it is when we do or give little things. A smile from a stranger can pull one out of the depths of despair and so can a bottle of nail polish.

Hi Emmeline! I plan to just keep on growing my hair and see how long it gets 🙂 Ideally, I would love for it to reach about mid-back, but we shall see! It’ll be a fun experiment, and hopefully I won’t be to sorely tempted to get it all chopped off again before I reach my natural hair-growth limit, haha!

Hi,
There are some good tips on growing Hair. I always like the tipps on Haselnussblond. She also writes about fitness, food and so on. her recipes are good as well. That Woman is amazing.
I can recommend oil. Whenever my hair seems to be dry I use oil liberally.
Putting your hair up or in a braid is good to prevent spliss at the endings.

Thank you so much for sharing this encouraging post, Charlotte! I can relate to so much that you said, as I too sometimes fall into the habit of trying to say or do certain things in order to make people think of me in a certain way. It can definitely be draining and exhausting! But it’s such a comfort to know that we have a loving God who can help us overcome these thoughts/habits and become the person that He created us to be!

It is deeply beautiful, and inspiring, that you and your sisters routinely speak so candidly and straight from your heart here. I really admire of three of you for doing so and am certain that such has only helped to forge a deeper bond not only between you and your readers, but between you sisters as well (for sometimes writing how you feel can say more than spoken words ever could).

I definitely struggle with being a people pleaser too- especially when I am meeting new people. 🙁 Right now I am in a new community, so I sometimes catch myself trying to “fit in”, instead of just being myself. I can do that even on little (not so little) things like dressing the way I want to (like you mentioned in your post as well). I love hats and vintage styles, but no one in my new church dresses like that, so then I was starting to feel a bit conspicuous, until I realized that vintage and hats are part of what makes me ME. So- you are not the only one who struggles in this way, and find encouragement that many of us are on the same journey of being who God has created us to be! Thanks for sharing your struggles and lessons learned 🙂

Oh Charlotte, I can identify with your post and your struggles oh-so much! You worded this all so well. I am a people-pleaser, also. And I too have morphed my clothing choices, “interests” (false ones), words, and actions to make others like me and to gain their approval. It’s something that still pops up in me from time to time. But I have learned that when we look to Jesus—when we focus on who we are In Him—and when we allow ourselves to be purely who He created us to be, there is immense FREEDOM. When we find our identity in the works of Christ instead of the thoughts of men, we are freed from the chains that bound us. It’s a process, it doesn’t happen overnight. But praise the Lord, He WILL complete the work He started in us! I can testify that this does get easier over time. The teen years aren’t easy. The twenties really aren’t, either, at least in my own experience. But I am thankful that God the Father is always there with us through it all, and He CARES.

Much love to you, my friend. So thankful we can walk together as sisters in Christ!
Blessings!
Ali

Wow, Charlotte. I totally understand how you’re feeling, because I’m feeling, almost, the same feelings! I’m a hardcore people pleasure, and I too, have come to realize that recently. You are an amazing person and I admire you, and your sisters, so much. You guys remind me so much of my friends back home and being able to watch your videos and read your blogs really makes it feel like I’m hanging out with you guys. And that gives me a sense of peace. I wish out so much luck in any future endeavors!

I am most certainly a people pleaser – something I also discovered this last spring as I finished my first year of college. Learning to love who I am already and the unique qualities that God has given me has been hard, and something that I honestly think I’ll always be relearning. I’m glad to hear you are enjoying being your own beautiful self!!

Hey, gal! We're Charlotte + Jessica, the Boyer Sisters. Around here, we present a raw, vibrant perspective on what it means to be a creative gal after God’s own heart. We believe in the breath-taking freedom that is found by putting Christ first in our lives and letting everything else follow.