Wednesday, August 08, 2007

How did a guy in a Mets jersey manage to snag the Barry Bonds home run ball out of a mess of a rugby scrum in the bleachers at Cingular-is-Now-the-New-AT&T Park?

Steroids, of course! Yes, Matt Murphy told the Rupert Murdoch publication Steroids World that he was an enthusiastic proponent of performance-enhancing drugs, and that he used them to train for diving for home runs, foul balls, bouncing pucks, and other sports souvenirs.

"EPO is the base, the foundation for everything," the 22-year-old man from NY said. "To chase balls down quickly in empty bleacher areas, you need strong legs but also explosive quickness. So I used The Clear to give that mad-fast boost to the fast-twitch muscles in my quadriceps and hamstrings.

"And when one guy was moving in to try to get the Bonds home run ball from me, my leg had that explosive quickness to level a knee right into his crotch. He backed off real fast," Murphy noted.

"To grasp that ball or puck, you need strong but soft hands," he continued. "I used The Cream on my hands and fingers and did some basic weight lifting on each finger.

"Not only was I able to grab and hold the ball, but when some jackass got his ugly mug up in my grill, I was able to plunge one of my pumped-up thumbs right into his throat. He didn't seem so interested in the ball after that, in fact he started coughing and puking right as he was falling backward. It was awesome!

"They say steroids make you extremely aggressive, but that's just bull. Some folks said that I was belligerent, just because I was trying to bite and kick the security guards who came to take me out of the crowd. But hey, how could I know if they were real security guards or a bunch of jerks in blue uniforms trying to steal the ball away from me?

"And after they Tasered me the third time, I was cool about going with them anyway."

And there you have it. Will Bud Selig try to investigate Murphy? Maybe the commissioner should worry about his own "image," and go for some Botox treatments to soften up that sour puss of a face.