Being A River

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I had an epiphany last weekend. Walking along my favorite neighbourhood path, enjoying the day... AGH! litter. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with anger,grief, disgust..
"how can people think this is okay"
"how can anyone be so asleep in this world.. so unconscious of their behaviours?"
"how can i continue to be conscious, when it hurts so much every day, to see how many people live with their head in the sand?"
Moving on to wishing I too, could have moments where I could live unconsciously. That i could walk down the street, without noticing litter, smoking, pesticide use, cars idling, walmart shoppers ETC.
I stayed there, in those thoughts, for a few minutes, in sadness.. thinking of living unconsciously. How sad it would be, to live the opposite of the flow of the planet around me. I pondered that at "the end" will those people with their heads buried in the sand.. will they have a final moment of AHAH! will they be ashamed, disgusted, overwhelmed with how disconnected they were.. will they silently beg the universe to do it all again?
I will not.
Suddenly, my outlook changed.. and GRATEFULNESS consumed me. I wished aloud as i walked down the street, for a place to sit and reflect (jot some notes so I would not forget these deep thoughts) AND.. it was given to me. Someone put a large stump on the side of the road, nestled in some tall grass.. a nature throne.. for me to sit on right then and there!
I sat. I closed my eyes and let the gratefulness wash over me and through me.
My 40th birthday is less than a month away.. I realized it's approximately..the half way point of my life. I've lived 40, and now I have 40 more years to go.
40 CONSCIOUS YEARS AHEAD!
There will not be 1 conscious moment at the end of my life. I have been given the gift, from myself, of 40 YEARS to be in conscious partnership with myself, my planet, my son, my peoples!
It is overwhelming to think of the scope of that gift. Sharing thoughts and ideas for the next 40 years, feeling that amazing uplfiting feeling all thru my body, when i can connect with another human, connect with nature, connect with myself and my deepest thoughts and insights. All that is now there for me... for 40 years!
I also gave thanks to the 40 years that got me here! And I reflected on how all the years I've had.. built to this. Every smile, every heartache, every easy and hard lesson I lived thru led me to this GIFT!
I realized the first 10 years of life.. are the being born years, born into the world.. into a family, sometimes a philosphy.. limbs, brain, heart growing.
up to 20 - is growing more.. realziing you are more.. then your body, more than your family.. you fit or don't fit.. in the holes your family life have created around you.
up to 30 - rebellion. Rebellion years are still within the paramaters of societal norms. We in this age, are learning to be what society says we are... even while they are "rebelling" Discovering there is some room in these holes..and you could live comfortably there.. along with all of society
up to 40 - a catalyst! For me it was a son with Autism. We, hopefully, will all have something to spur us to look at our lives and see if these holes were in do indeed fit. I believe most will adjust.. will continue following societal norms, begin, if they haven't already, the process of digging a hole for their head to fit into.. but.. we don't have to. Some choose to build a way out of the holes! Some will, as I did, become STRONG. A force for MYSELF.
I looked at my 40 years and realized they were all a gift in the making.. 40 years to unwrap the next 40!
I will have ups and downs, i will feel extreme emotions, I will have to work hard to acheive all i want. but it will be in harmony with the planet. The universe will feel that we are on the same wavelength and strive to give me what i want.. it will all come to me now.
40 CONSCIOUS YEARS AHEAD! WOW!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Its an old chinese saying - 10,000 Joys and Sorrows. There will be joy and sorrow.
On House last night, the crabby doctor said "life IS pain" And he's right. There is pain daily,growing pains.. learning pains.. emotional pain...
And JoY! there is so much joy in each and every day! I think, I see.. that most people don't notice, they're too busy looking at the pain and marrying it. Afraid to open themselves to more pain, they reject what could become joy! Fully embracing half of life, the pain.. not the joy.
Today, and all week, this keeps coming back to me.
Someone I greatly love is in pain.. and within it there is joy. Pain of emotion, and Joy of emotion. Being let down, being hurt there is pain.... experiencing someone's love pouring out, a hand up, a smile, knowing you are so loved in the face of pain.. that is joy.. is it not?
Would the joy be as big without the pain?
The Park today was more lessons. I was laughing in joy, watching, photographing the ducklings.. so very tiny swimming and waddling around their mom. Sun, nature, my camera, my son.. pure joy...
Then.. just like that.. the mother chases a rival duck away, leaving her babies exposed, and just like that... a crow swooped in and carried a duckling away!
I screamed outloud, i couldn't stop myself.. it was so painful in that moment! I took to chasing the crow, no way I could catch it, but I tried. The poor duckling, happy and cherised.. then lunch.
Jordan cried, and I began telling him it was okay. Then I stopped, told him I agree, it is horrible, awful, sorrowful! But it is life, it is the circle of life, and within that there is joy.. and there is pain.
I will do my best to accept, to feel and to embrace it all. Live my life fully, full of emotions.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

So much whining in the media about the daily cost of the movement. The costs of Occupy are nothing compared with the costs of big business.

If Big Pharma was no longer allowed to market their massive amounts of drugs to us, if our food was healthy, if our air was clean, if our water was clear, if our soil was still healthy, if , if , if…

If big biz was not allowed free rein to destroy our lives, our bodies, our planet…. World health care costs would be drastically reduced. If the people still needed to protest after all that was gone, the cost would not bother anyone.

Why have we allowed our health to be pimped out to govt. and big business? Because they’ve created a system that wants that.

If you want out of that system, it will cost you. It’s cheaper on the wallet to follow the masses, to McDonalds and Wal-Mart; Burger King, KFC, Safeway and dollar stores. It’s harder to find fresh food, It’s more expensive to eat healthy. It’s almost impossible to get out from under pharmaceuticals and the notion your sick when it’s all around you every day. If our doctors are not even expected to learn about nutrition, only drugs, how are we ever supposed to be healthy?

These are the costs that make us suffer.

The costs of Occupy, are costs we must pay. And we must do it again and again, until we all learn HOW.

How do we start over? How do we get big biz agenda out of our homes and our bodies? How do we open eyes; that saving a buck today isn’t in your best interests, it most often comes with heavy costs to our planet. How do we help people understand every dollar they spend is a vote for the future they want? How do we explain to our government representatives that WE are important? We want to live healthy lives. How do we explain to the masses, we may have to spend more on our goods, that cheapest is not best. When consumerism is a religion, how do we explain to people they don’t need every new electronic, dollar store shopathons, fancy coffee all day long - especially at the cost of good healthy food. How?

I dare say, right now, No one knows how. This is why Occupy must continue. We’ve gotten so far of the humanity track; we need conversations all over the world to continue.! We need ideas thrown out to the global consciousness so they can grow and take root. We cannot continue how we are.

If the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.. Then we are all insane. If we want something to change, and so many of us do… then something has got to change.

Let’s talk about it. Begin discussions at home, at work, on the street, social media. Talk to the guy next to you on the bus! We must talk, because something’s got to change!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'm eternally graetful to have been given the lessons in Empathy, Respect for life, Understanding and Compassion that life has gifted me with so far.

My gratefulness has been brought to mind, from some disturbing developments in our local education arena. A young autistic boy kicked out of school, public support to get the "special needs kids out" has made me cringe. I had to collect the articles and make some comments. I posted it on my autism blog, but wanted to share here, because it's relevant to all of my life. Obviously, my lessons from Autism are the biggest in my life, have shaped me, blessed me with so much growth!

Please hop over to that blog and read and comment, love to hear your input.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

i so love you. Every time I know I'm going to talk to you, be with you, email you, see your face,(even on just FB) I feel love. Mom and I have been discussing meaning of life etc ( you know everyday conversations..lol) and the meaning of life, is most likely to raise the love/healing/love energy/awareness.. it increases all good things.. when I am with you and with mom, and both of our two boys.. I feel like a superhero. Like I can do anything, tackle anything, be anything.. with these amazing people, (who love me so I must be great, capable) behind and beside me, I am the most empowered, I feel so full of life, and energy, (and I can know what this is, because i've felt the other side. sucked dry of energy, sad/depressed etc at many other times in my life) this is the get up and go of progress and shared enlightement.. this is the awakeness that transforms and helps people grow and open to new ideas. I feel creative, imaginative, empowered, aware.. in your prescence.. and from you it spreads. Bless you so much for that.

The above, grammatically problematic paragraph, was originally a quick email to a dear person. I saw a pic of her ( a relative I truly love) on FB, and having been with her earlier, I felt the need to tell her what I was feeling.

When I finished typing, I realized all it said to me. (My truth as I see it)

We're here for however long ~ be it 1x, 2x, or infinity, depending on your belief- Excluding Einstein, maybe Newtown?, Nobel? and a handful of others, we are not going to be remembered long term on this planet.

In this lifetime, now, we have the opportunity to be a positive or negative force. We can leave behind positive energy, or negative energy. I believe we can increase the positive energy around us every day, and by doing so, we are healing. We are healing ourselves, we are healing all we come in contact with, we are healing the planet. In the long term, this energy collects, it grows, it influences on many levels. This is what we leave behind, what we CAN leave behind. Our legacy,shared with everyone.. positive energy/ Love energy/respect for all/CHI/etc.. We feel it every day, call it what you will. Positive Energy. We CAN leave that behind.

As I wrote above, when I am with someone who is curious, bright, energetic, positive, kind, loving, open to ideas and new concepts and thoughts, it is empowering. We have all felt that. You feel alive with alive people, and of course the opposite is true, negative people bring us down. We physically and mentally lose energy, our personal power seeps away around negativity.

I remembered today that we will always face, meet, have to spend time with those who are negative thinkers, who bring you down instead of boost you up. But we can make sure that we spend enough time with those who empower us, fill us up, energize us, forward thinkers who get us... being around them, so when we are faced with days where the "world" creeps in, we have armour. A full tank of gas, so even if it's a long day/ a long road.. you'll make it through.

I submit, that if we all kept our tanks full, there could be great change. If we stopped waiting til we were empty to take a walk with a friend, talk with your mom/son/cousin, if we remembered how important it is to be the best we can be and nurtured ourselves so we had the healing/loving/positive energy to give away to the world. I wonder what would happen. I'm going to try. I'll keep you posted.

I felt ENGRAGED! I usually feel mad, upset, distraught, disgusted, occassionaly leaning into anger, but for some reason on this particular walk, I felt ENRAGED!

"OMG" I Harumphed loudly, alone on the street. "Who/What/Why/Jesus!" My brain tripped overitself trying to yell and process my anger all at the same time.

"They will Suffer!" I (kinda) yelled onto my empty street and the invisible, evil litterers who'd been here. And I meant it. Seriously. For about 30 seconds.

Then it hit me. Hard. This is my suffering! This is my Karmic Experience, for I used to litter long ago! I dropped styrofoam (butts, paper, plastic etc) on a few streets in my early days, and this is my suffering.

To be so hurt by the litter I see, is suffering, and I acknowledge that I deserve karmic action for what I did not know then.

Will their suffering be the same? Will they suffer at all? ( I do think so) Is my slate clean now? (My mom noted that she thinks I'm now evened out on this particular issue, wouldn't that be nice!)

I will take away a few lessons from this, expand on what I felt/know;

We are all ignorant until we know. I don't need to judge people for what I see as their faults, we're all on a path, we all learn in our own time, in our own order. As a positive force I can teach more, show more, educate more when I'm in tune with karma and the laws of the universe, not trying to be the sheriff!

The world is FAIR - yin/yang - Karma will always get you eventually, so just do good! Okay, so that one I know.. but still.. Just do good!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

*yes.. we are aware the word grateful is here 1 zillion times. We like life that way*

It's Thanksgiving weekend. I have no problem recalling all I am grateful for. There is so much.

I give thanks every day for the blessed life I have. EVERY day, I remind myself how blessed I am to have MY life.

I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful that I have free will. I'm grateful to live in a country where I'm able to use my free will and make my own choices, whatever they may be. With these things, I'm good to go. Thank you.

I'm grateful for the copious amounts of SHIT other people brought to my life, somehow it was meant to make me grow, and often it did. Thank you.

I'm grateful for the challenges, all the things in life that made me buck up and face new things, they all helped me be stronger and stretch boundaries. Thank you.

I'm particularly grateful for the challenge of Autism. My son has brought intense joy, astronomical growth and richer, deeper love in so many of us. Thank you.

I'm grateful that I have a curious mind, and I'm able to access information and resources in many ways in my free country. I'm able to learn anything I wish, as much as I wish. Thank you.

I'm grateful for all of that big stuff, growing/learning stuff, and I'm so grateful for the daily joys, laughs, hugs and experiences I have on a day to day basis in this awesome world. Thank you.

I'm grateful for the people I can talk to. The people who make me laugh. My son! My Mom! My family. My girls. And all people in my family and circles that I've cultivated strong awesome relationships with. I'm grateful for all the people who inspire me, the people who teach me, The people who fight for the planet and the people who pioneer and light the way for positive growth! Thank you all.

I'm grateful for Gardening, soil, seeds, Vegetables, Fruit, Ethical/Sustainable food of all kinds,and BEING ABLE TO ACCESS THEM! Cooking, and the ability to learn to cook all the wonderful bounty I bring home!! MMMMMMM. Thank you.

I'm grateful that I live free in Canada, in Beautiful BC's most amazing city - Vancouver! I'm so grateful I can spend most of my days with my amazing son, travelling our city, learning, seeing, wondering together. Thank you.

I'm grateful for the Internet and Social Media. It's made it possible for us to connnect and share and learn and communicate like never before! Thank you.

I'm grateful that I've begun writing again and that a few people choose to read it. Thank you.

I'm grateful for the laws of karma and doing good! I'm grateful I deserved to, and managed to, bring a business home and work here and support my family for 10 years! Thank you.

Today I woke up thankful to be in the middle of a long weekend. My son, who is the best son in the universe.. is with his father for this long weekend, and I'm grateful to know they will have fun. I won't miss him "too much".

I'm grateful I'm able to have some free time. I'm very aware there are many who do not have a minute to themselves. I played on FB, I sang and danced with Brett Dennen and I prepped in the kitchen. I'm so very grateful that I'm able to have hours to do that. Later, I walked to Deer Lake, a large city lake, 5 min away. I am so thankful, I can go there whenver I want, and that today I did choose to go over by myself. I was able to take my time and sit on whatever bench I wanted, stop and take pictures of anything I wanted, for as long as I wanted.

It is so easy to be grateful when your sitting in a park. It is so easy to find beauty in the world, we just have to look for it. "Look,there it is."

The more I am grateful, the more I find to be grateful for. I am blessed. And If I choose to look at it that way, that's how it is and will be.

There is stuff in life that isn't always pretty/great/fun. I live through days that suck, we all do. We all have shit filled days sometimes, but they are just moments, and they pass. Especially if we are grateful, each day for each thing.

Try it. Be grateful more than one weekend a year, and see what happens.

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About Me

My purpose is to share some of my thoughts, things I've observed and learnt in my slice of life.
Most of what I write is about my own personal growth, learning how to be the best human I can be and how to be the best mom I can for my son.
My son Jordan, diagnosed with Autism almost a few years ago, changed our lives in so many ways, and it's been Awesome on so many levels.. from this perspective.
We love the planet, and I like to share a lot about that too.
Love to talk to like minded people out there. Join me.
http://autismsdailylessons.blogspot.com/
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