Your chances of actually enjoying yourself at Club H2O's Spook-tacular Bash are about as good Freddy Krueger getting laid at a speed dating event. That standard Saturday night $15 cover, guess what, it's now $25. Why? Because the kamikaze shots are now called monster shots and there's one more black light in the DJ booth. And yes, the bouncer is still going to be a douche, only now he's a douche in a goofy wig.

Even if Halloween does happen to fall on a Wednesday, any parties that go down in the middle of the week are sure to have about as much energy as a mummy on a treadmill. People are going to be a lot less receptive to drinking unhealthy amounts of alcohol and making poor decisions if they have to be responsible human being the following morning. That great party that you and your friends still talk about - it never would have happened on a Tuesday.

Why are you even friends with somebody throwing a Halloween party a week before Thanksgiving and why are you still wearing that naughty doctor costume? Take it off and put on a sweater, you're embarrassing yourself.

Be warned, the fall harvest festival may have many of the same elements as a Halloween party (pumpkins, beer, snacks) make no mistake though, it is not. Where the Halloween party cultivates keg stands, the fall harvest festival cultivates sipping cider. Notice the lack of slutty costumes and presence of grandparents; you're at a fall harvest festival, not a Halloween party.

You may tolerate your vegan friend's palate when picking a place for lunch, but at no point should you have to tolerate a health conscious Halloween party spread. Downing numerous beers and shots of Jäger isn't doing your body any favors, so why subject your taste buds to the fat-free, low sodium tofu ball at the end of the snack table? They don't make organic Snickers and no amount of cruelty-free chocolate is going to change that.

Are you legally a child? Do you have a child? If you answered "NO" then leave this party.

If you find yourself at a Halloween party that's run out of alcohol or worse, there was none to begin with, you can be a hero and go get some or leave and shut those people out of your life forever. Just as a zombie needs delicious brains, a Halloween party needs alcohol to survive. Nobody's going to laugh when you stick your junk in a jack-o-lantern if they're all standing around drinking Diet Coke.