I’ve only recently started to describe myself as a feminist. Up until a few years ago, feminism didn’t have the most glowing reputation (burning bras and all) and it wasn’t too popular in mainstream culture; I’d always been proud to be a woman, especially in forward-thinking Canada, but I’d never felt the need to put that fact forward. I just thought it was implied, given my lifestyle.

That was until someone publicly challenged me in that regard.

I have an extremely reliable memory when it comes to people. I remember every face I’ve ever spoken to, or even merely saw a few times. So it’s safe to assume that when someone asks me a question that shakes me to my core, and questions all of my personal values and beliefs, I would remember.

I’m thinking of this specific time back in 2011. I had just started blogging professionally, I was a newlywed living as an expat in France and I was attending a travel blogging conference in Austria where I had been meeting a lot of people. I was having dinner with a bunch of travel bloggers of various ages and backgrounds, when a man (I know precisely who he is, but out of respect for the community I will keep his identity a secret) interrupted me in the middle of a conversation:

The Man Who Shall Not Be Named:
But, let me get this straight – you’re married, right?

Me:
Yes, indeed. I got married two weeks ago actually, but we’ve been together for a while.

The Man Who Shall Not Be Named:
But I don’t understand. Your husband is on board with this? He allows you travel by yourself, he gave your his permission?

Me:
Well, yes. It’s not like I have to ask or anything.

The Man Who Shall Not Be Named:
That’s completely bullocks, if you ask me.

* cricket sound * cue awkwardness *

This is probably the time I felt the most insulted in all of my adult life. I was so surprised by his archaic question that I muttered something about being independent and laughed it off, when all I really wanted to do was scream all kinds of feminist insults to his face. Complemented by plenty of curse words, obviously.

For crying out loud, what is this, 1942?

What the actual fuck kind of question is that? Are you implying that I’m someone’s property?

Why on Earth would I need my husband’s permission to travel by myself? Or to do anything, for that matter?
Should I have asked him for an allowance before I left?

Last time I checked, Canadian women were free to decide and provide for themselves. As such, I am at liberty to do whatever I damn well please, dude.

You see, this is exactly the kind of attitude that keeps a lot of woman from being completely emancipated, that refrains them from fully achieving their independence.

Boy do I want to hit you in the face. Or should I ask my husband’s permission for that, too?

The Problem With This Sexist Attitude

Although feminism is part of pop culture nowadays, it doesn’t mean that all issues are resolved. Quite the contrary! If this one person was blunt enough to directly ask me a question like that, I can’t imagine how many silent supporters he has. To me, the fact that women should seek permission to do anything all goes back to the sexist argument of the skirt that was a little too short.

Feminism is about stopping gender discrimination in every way possible. It’s about equal rights and opportunities. How many husbands ask their wife’s permission to go abroad on their own? How many guys feel the need to justify their solo adventures? How many of them are judged for their life choices?

I’ve been living on my own since I was 16. Independence isn’t a character trait as far as I’m concerned; it’s a way of life. Various circumstances have forced me to grow up quickly, perhaps much quicker than I should have, and therefore I have very little patience when it comes to people not being autonomous. You can call me ugly, you can call me fat, you can call me whatever you like – I’ll just shrug it off. But don’t you dare tell me that I am not independent and that solo female travel is a silly concept.

That is the last thing you’ll ever say to me.

Why Marriage And Solo Travel Aren’t Mutually Exclusive

To me, marriage was never about giving up who you are to be with someone for eternity.

It’s more about finding that one person who complements you, who makes you want to be a better version of yourself, and with whom you make a formidable team. And while I agree that everyone’s idea of marriage is different, I have a very hard time accepting versions where man and woman aren’t truly equals.

My husband and I are deeply in love with each other, but we remain two fiercely independent people, each with their own set of interests and hobbies. He’s a complete geek and homebody who prefers countryside getaways to urban adventures; I, on the other hand, am fuelled by cities and I love exploring new ones as often as I can. You guys can see where this could get problematic, right? But early on in our relationship, we decided that it would be better for us to live our passions separately, rather than having to compromise constantly and end up in a situation where no one is truly happy. This does indeed mean we spend quite a bit of time apart, but since we are not a fusional couple, this absence makes us grow fonder of each other. I am never happier than when I come home to my husband after three weeks on the road.

I don’t judge couples who can’t live without each other. Everyone has a different idea of balance. But what strikes me as odd is when someone has to sacrifice a part of his or herself. That is never ok.

In hindsight, I don’t think The Man Who Shall Not Be Named’s question was meant as an insult, but I couldn’t help but feel furious at his assumption that I would ask my husband for anything. With time, it made me realise that through this blog, I have the wonderful privilege to help young women across the globe grasp the full extent of their personal freedom.

Although I was livid at him at the time, I am now thankful for his question.

Mind you, I still think he’s an asshole; but I am now proud to advocate solo travel from a married woman’s point of view, one we don’t hear about much. Every woman and every man in the world should be at liberty to do whatever they please, travel or otherwise. Including married people ;-)

Have you ever faced sexism on your travels?
What is your opinion on solo female travel?

135 Comments on No, I Do Not Need My Husband’s Permission To Travel Alone

Catherine

June 10, 2015 at 12:10 pm (4 years ago)

Unfortunately, yes! We have to address this issue, and that was is great about your article,. Women can and should try the experience of travelling alone. I enjoy travelling on my own and it has nothing to do with the love I share with my boyfriend. If both parts show respect for each other, I really don’t get why someone else finds it shocking or has anything to say about it.

Carlos Terriquez

September 21, 2015 at 7:10 pm (3 years ago)

I just came across your website and I appreciate your info. On October 1st I leave for a 35 day excursion throughout Europe and friends and family have been getting very judgmental on me for not taking my wife and daughter with me. My wife and I have been married 6 years now and we have a wonderful daughter. When I initially conceived my travel plans I did it with my wife and daughter in mind but my wife came back from Japan this last March from visiting her family and she’s not ready to do another big trip. Besides, my daughter started school and the time wasn’t right for them and that’s why I’m going by myself. It’s good to know that I’m not alone. My wife’s friends are still shocked to hear that I’m leaving for a month and that we’re not going together. I feel a little bit guilty but your website helps. Thanks!!

It’s always better to go places by yourself than wait for the right time or the right people because the truth is, it might never happen! Good for you for going despite being badmouthed. You will have so many stories to tell your wife and daughter upon your return!

Dyonista

November 7, 2016 at 9:43 pm (2 years ago)

Yes… My husband is extremely busy with his work the past years, and since i moved to his country and have (very) little to do here i decided to go back to my homecountry alone for 3 months. The first reaction i got from my neighbour was; i never would allow my wife to leave alone, not even for a month. I was kind of flabbergasted by his answer. Whas she his possesion and would he also put a leash on her when she decided to go against his will?
I love my husband a lot and have been supporting him for several years here but now its my time to develop myself. And why would that be not ok?

Absolutely! People are not possessions and if she wants to go then she should be able to do so! What a terrible husband.

F.g wss

January 30, 2019 at 11:36 pm (2 months ago)

So your husband works like a dog so you can be bored and leave him. What about your duty to comfort him when he returns to work?

G

May 12, 2017 at 3:03 pm (2 years ago)

I am experiencing this issue with my own husband:(( I was saving money so hard for 3 years and now i am ready to buy the tickets to go to my country for a month. I really want to be alone for awhile. I am an introvert and need space/time (=freedom) to be 100% myself for at least one month a year. Currently, I live with my husband in one studio(no room of my own:(( ), but it is only for a few years while we are saving money. That’s why I want to go to my country so bad and stay at my aunt’s house and be able to sleep alone. I really miss sleeping alone, and I miss missing my husband too. At presrnt we have opposite work shifts: when I sleep – he works, when he sleeps – I am getting ready for work. We have different body temperatures and occasionally he snores… Every time we sleep in together, I have insomnia….I’m so tired of this. Just want to take a break.This is really hard….I explained to him I want to go alone this time but next year I would invite him. It is so important for me to relax in my sleep. On top if that, I have not seen my aunt for 15 years – I miss her so much. I want to focus on her and not worry about anyone else. My husband doesn’t know how to speak my language AT ALL! So, instead of focusing on my aunt, I would be compelled to be my husband’s interpreter if he goes with me. It would be awkward for me to let him be by himself since he doesn’t speak our language – he would be lost there. Nobody there speaks English either. So, it would be work for me instead of vacation if he goes with me…I said I want to go alone. But my husband invites himself with me in spite of my statement. He says “I want to go with you. Period.” So, I love him, but I am considering telling him bluntly that I am going alone and he can either accept it or break up/divorce me if he doesn’t like it……What else can I do? I love him, and I love traveling and being alone from time to time – it is important to me. If he refuses to respect what is important to me, than may be , he doesn’t love me??? Can you give me your advise please? Help me save our relationship !

Yoli

June 16, 2018 at 1:15 pm (9 months ago)

You don’t sound compatible, it is not about being a feminist is about being selfish. You don’t enjoy your husband’s company I don’t know if he is ok with that because he cannot stand you either, but if he likes to stay in a committed relationship, and around you, then maybe you are the free spirit that should have never married. I am a woman and I want to enjoy my life with my husband, there can be exceptions when we have to travel solo, but in general I want to experience every trip with him. I want to SHARE my life with him, if I didn’t, or only partially, whenever it pleases my selfish self, I wouldn’t have gotten married. Unless your husband is a selfish person too and likes to expierence being single one month a year. Then you are not hurting anybody, go have fun.

WakeUp

March 1, 2019 at 11:24 pm (3 weeks ago)

If you can’t stand your husband’s company and would rather travel alone and away from him, what does that say about you?

Thanks for such a wonderful post! That people still think that way is outrageous but not a surprise unfortunately. I’ve been travelling solo since I was 15 (which makes almost 12 years now) and I couldn’t be any happier! Never had anyone ask me things like that but then again I was single for the majority of those years. It wasn’t until recently that I met my boyfriend. He likes staying home relaxing, spend weekends at his parents’ place…so complete opposite from me, who gets antsy easily and needs to go explore places as often as possible. When I told that to someone I had just met, she seemed quite surprised and asked how could I be with someone so different and not go crazy, completely assuming that because he is not as interested in travel as i am that i’d give up travelling. That was sad to hear, even more so coming from a woman. Hopefully the world can change one post at a time :D

I’ve had many queries traveling solo “where is my husband”, “why does he allow you to travel alone”, etc. I’m not married and it does go to other cultures values, perceptions and fears. I wrote a post about it too http://philatravelgirl.com/solo-travel-questions/
Everyone should have the opportunity to travel and celebrate the world and our curiosity without judgement

Elizabeth

March 28, 2017 at 10:10 pm (2 years ago)

I’m really looking for another woman’s point of view and would love your input. I live with my husband and 4 kids about 1000 miles from my grandmother– she’s the only family member that I’m close with. I want to travel to see her this summer, and she offered to help pay for plane tickets for the kids because there are a lot of us! My husband doesn’t want to go, and I knew that. But he doesn’t want me to go either, even if she pays. Even if I drive, go alone, only take the oldest kid…basically I’ve given every option to him, and he says no. I feel so stifled right now and I just need someone to tell me this is not normal. Thanks ❤️

Well your husband is a selfish arsehole if he doesn’t want you to visit your own grandmother. I’m sorry for being so blunt — but if he truly had your happiness at heart he would support you in this. This is not normal. Do not let him get in the way of your relationship with your grandmother!

I just had to click through to this post because I’ve been in the exact same situation. I’m married and travel solo very often because I really enjoy it and agree when you say that it’s possible for spouses to live their passions separately. Imagine my fury when I was asked by a male chauvinist (pig) if I had my husbands permission to travel solo and go out drinking with hostel mates like single people. Excuse me? I didn’t even bother answering that one. I looked at him with a look that said ‘dude are you for real? Because you don’t belong in these times.’ It still makes me furious because it is such an insult to independent women and somehow these people don’t see what a disrespectful and intrusive question it is.

Nelle

June 10, 2015 at 7:19 pm (4 years ago)

I love reading your adventures and the fact that you travel solo while being in love. My partner and I are about to embark on a trip of our own and we have already discussed how excited we are for the adventure we will have separately. I know I don’t need his permission to wonder the museums and cafes alone while he takes his hiking boots up mountains and hills. You are a wonderful role model for all women who have been asked “but why isn’t your husband/man looking after you?”

S

June 10, 2015 at 8:52 pm (4 years ago)

Eww… what a jerkface.

I’ve had a number of people comment about my traveling alone, but more with the attitude of just surprised (since most people don’t travel solo) to jealous (either for themselves or in one case my coworker wishing his wife would come along for a business trip and go amuse herself during the day, but didn’t think she’d want to do that).

Travelling with a partner (or friends) is great, but travelling alone is great in plenty of other ways. Specifically, that you get to do exactly what you want all day long! I definitely feel like I do more, but feel less tired, when I’m travelling alone than with anyone else.

That is SOOOOO how I feel! I’ve been travelling solo forever and I’ve been with my fiancé for 8 years, so I’ve gotten my fair share of this kind of sh***t. I now turn it into a dumb response like : oh yeah, he gave me permission but only if I call in 5 times a day and he chooses where I sleep. People stop :)

TJ

June 14, 2015 at 3:01 pm (4 years ago)

Granted – i have no idea who the person asking the question is, but on the surface this makes absolutely zero sense as a gender issue.

Would he not be asking a married male the same thing exact question were he not without his wife? He certainly should be. I think most people would. It is not the norm for married couples to spend a lot of itme apart. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it undeniably the minority viewpoint. I’m independent myself and it has been a bit of a struggle to keep a relationship because I don’t want to stay in this same place for the next 30+ years.

My father travels abroad quite often without my mother – because my mother does not necessarily want to go to all of the places that my father wants to go to. They also go to plenty of places together. My father’s friends are shocked that my mother would give him permission to spend 2 weeks abroad with one of his male buddies. Rather than be all offended that someone would actually think that he needs permission from his wife, I assume that my father recognizes that he is very lucky that he doesn’t have a super controlling wife that would keep limit his travel adventures.

This seems to be more about you finding a compatible independent spouse than anything else. Most people just aren’t that lucky – hence tons of divorces and what not. I don’t see how this is a gender issue unless the tone of the guy was super obviously douchy.

I certainly wouldn’t assume a question like this is intended to be misogynistic insult. Why did you automatically interpret it that way?

He wouldn’t be asking a male that question, for that dude’s wife was sitting right next to him. And he went on and on about how he would never let HIS wife travel by herself, and considering how much of an asshole he is I have no trouble believing that indeed he wouldn’t let her. It was a misogynistic insult, there is no doubt about that.

To me it’s not a question of spending time apart or life choices, it’s about him insinuating that I need my husband’s permission – very poor choice of words on his part. It’s the permission part that is the problem here, not the life choice.

Lisa Kuzma

June 14, 2015 at 7:37 pm (4 years ago)

Lol…thanks Marie-Eve! I fucking will!

Nadine

May 17, 2016 at 11:21 pm (3 years ago)

Hi Marie-Eve!! Excellent article. I’m a young woman and I want to start to travel solo just for feel the experience. My family supports me and say me that I must to do it, that I have to remove my “mind barriers”. I’m a bit scared, because a female must to face a lot of possible dangers (rapes, attacks, kidnapping, etc). And those dangers stop me to do it.

By other hand, the phrase “Maybe you’ll meet a nice man there.”, reminds me when I traveled for first time to Italy…I was really angry with the person who told me such a stupid thing…and I said: – but I just want to Italy to explore its culture and have a great experience, not to find a man!! Come on! –

Yes, you completely should do it! I always tell people that you could get mugged right outside your house; going abroad is not going to amplify that risk. You’ve got to live your life on your own terms!

Great article! I would’ve been so wound up by that comment too. Another ignorant assumption people make about women who travel extensively without their man is that there must be something wrong with the relationship and that if you’re not joined at the hip and constantly pining for each other then it’s not real love or whatever. I think having a partner who respects your independence and vice versa is healthy.

Christina R

June 14, 2015 at 3:08 pm (4 years ago)

I just discovered your blog, and I’m so glad that I did! I just returned from a month long solo trip in Mexico City. I’m happily married, 29, and I travel alone. About two months ago, I told my husband I’m going to quit my job and stay in Mexico City for up to two months, and I did (well, just for one). I didn’t ask his permission, but of course I felt the pressure to explain myself (and I did) to so many people who inquired about my decision. Like you, I would smile and nod, and politely correct them that it was I, who would be traveling alone. Or I would have to calm the minds of family members and close friends who immediately assumed my marriage was on the rocks. I think that was the most hurtful. My husband knew how much my job stressed me out for two years, and when I TOLD him I WAS GOING, his response was, “GOOD. I want you to go. If I can see you happy again, then you stay as long as you need to”. I always felt like those questions and assumptions from other people, were sexist, but as a woman I also felt like I had to sweetly correct them, or explain myself. Seriously, fuck that. I will never do that again. If anything, my solo travel continues to build self-confidence, and I am becoming more secure than ever to just not say anything more than, “Yes, I’m married, and I’m here.” Solo travel has brought my husband and I closer together, and one day, when he’s a father I know he will set an excellent example to our child of what a truly equal and supportive partner looks like in the modern world.

Welcome to my blog, Christina! :-) It’s completely fine to explain yourself to your husband, you guys are married after all. The most important part is that he respects you enough to let you do what you want to do and not shame you into not doing it. It’s so important to find that! Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Alex

Sarah

June 14, 2015 at 3:47 pm (4 years ago)

I just returned home to the UK after travelling across Canada solo for 3 months. I’m not in a relationship but I was asked multiple times why I wasn’t travelling with a partner. I spent a very uncomfortable taxi ride in Ottawa basically being accused of being a prostitute because I’m single. According to the driver all single girls are out sleeping around all the time, and that means they’re essentially prostitutes (even after I said I’m essentially celibate in a failed attempt to get him to shut the heck up). I can only imagine if I had said I had a boyfriend back home I’d have been criticised for travelling without him. Other than the continuous questions about whether I had a man at home/why I didn’t have a man at home/I’d be sure to meet a nice man soon it was a fantastic trip I’m glad I took (and I didn’t have to ask anybody’s permission).

While I’m not married, I’ve been asked a version of this in regards to my parents and it PISSES ME OFF. “I can’t believe your parents are allowing you travel the world by yourself”….are you fucking kidding me?! I’m 27 years old! My parents don’t “allow” me to do anything. Needless to say my associations with those people are limited. Though to be fair my parents have been posed the same question (I can’t believe you’re allowing your daughter to travel by herself), and thankfully they respond with “We don’t ‘allow’ her to do anything…she’s an adult who can make her own decisions”. Thank god for awesome parents. I too am a FIERCELY independent person, and I hope to someday meet someone who allows me to continue to be my independent self (actually that’s a non-negotiable part of any relationship for me). But back to the main point here…seriously where the hell to people get off asking those sorts of things?! Ignorance? Sexism? All of the above? Geesh people…it’s 2015 not 1815.

What year is it, 1812? People can be so infuriating sometimes! Thank God indeed for your awesome parents. People get so self-righteous about these things when it’s not even their business in the first place.

Ugh, I was asked this very same question by a girl! I am 31 and married, and often travel alone. I was in Costa Rica. A 20 year old German girl thought it was acceptable to interrogate me about how my husband could possibly let me travel alone. I was flabbergasted, to say the least :P

Really interesting post! I can see where the man was coming from (I mean, I’m being generous here) – the question of “how do you maintain a healthy relationship while being apart so often?” is a really interesting one and much less offensive than the one asked!

Anyway, good on you for being restrained rather than reaming him out as I probably would have haha

See had he worded his question like that it would’ve been an entirely different story – I can see why THAT would be a question at all, since my marriage is not normal on that aspect. But it’s the “permission” that I have taken issue with!

And thank you. I am still very proud to not be publicly shaming him today, happy to be the bigger person.

Florencia

June 14, 2015 at 5:38 pm (4 years ago)

I’m also in a committed relationship and he likes to stay home and I was born with a travel bug. We are completely crazy about each other but we respect our independency and differences. I travel on my own twice a year and I was asked the same questions many times….does your husband let you travel alone? I take it with humor and a few times I answer that he didn’t, so I had to run away! It is usually older people and I don’t think that they are being anti-feminism, it’s just a different generation.
The best part is coming back home and finding out that after all these years he is the one for me. I go away and even though we missed each other every second we are apart…I still have a great time traveling alone!

Alice

June 14, 2015 at 7:44 pm (4 years ago)

I travel solo almost always. I don’t get many comments from men but rather from women who ask me if I feel safe travelling by myself. Many tell me they would never travel to a foreign country alone. I tell them that I’m careful about my choices, and safety always figures into my plans, but it’s not uncommon for women to travel alone. The fact that so many women are worried enough about their own safety that they are deterred from travelling alone saddens me. Not because they are wrong per se, but because violence against women still has so much power in 2015.

You speak the truth, Alice. It’s indeed alarming to see how many women refrain from doing this they would like to do because they are worried about their safety. I think this is where female-oriented travel blogs (like AdventurousKate.com, for example) really come into play.

Javed

Arghh that would have made me so angry! I am about to embark on a year of travels that will largely be taken without my fiance as he wants to stay behind to work on his career and will just be meeting up with me at a couple of places along the way. I have had a few people make sexist comments which have made me pretty angry (especially as the worse offender has been my own Mother) but nothing as bad as what that asshole said to you. One iof the reasons I am happy that I was born into this generation is because sexist attitudes towards women aren’t so common these days and we do enjoy more equality, or so I thought

That’s a legitimate concern I guess but it’s silly to let that come first. You could get kidnapped walking out your door at home, you could get mugged on your way to work. The world really isn’t that dangerous of a place!

I can totally relate to this and how you felt/feel about it. I think many people confuse the idea of “compromise” in relationships with giving up huge parts of what make them themselves in the first place. My husband and I would much rather support each other in our individual endeavours, even if that means spending some time apart, than feeling like we haven’t fully pursued what makes us happy in life. As you say, then the time you do get to spend together is even better. You feel fulfilled both individually as well as a couple.

Celeste

June 14, 2015 at 9:27 pm (4 years ago)

Last month my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I traveled for business and pleasure a decade before I met him. Many of his colleagues are always surprised when he mentions I am off somewhere on my own, particularly so recently when they learned I walked the Camino de Santiago in Spain solo. We joke that the reason we are still happily married after all these years is because we are only married about 9 months out of a year as we take separate vacations. He has 5 weeks vacation and elderly family that live across the country from us so much of his time off is for visiting family. (One of us also has to stay home to care for our menagerie of pets.) We also do not share the same interests and hobbies. I will fly to NYC for a long weekend of art shows whereas he spends one week a year snow skiing. We hope to be able to travel together sometime after he retires but that’s another ten years from now. For us, absence does make the heart grow fonder and homecomings sweeter!

Mommy Traveler

June 15, 2015 at 1:07 pm (4 years ago)

Celeste, your life almost mirrors mine!!! I am a passionate traveler and have been since I was young. Now in my 50’s, I still love traveling. I backpacked around the world from 1980-1983 before it was “fashionable” to do so, alone, as a single female. My friends and family thought I’d lost my mind when I announced I was heading out into the wide blue yonder, and would let them know “once I got there”! Of course, now that I am a mother of a daughter who is older than I was when I disappeared off into the wilderness, I can empathize with the angst my Mother felt at seeing her only daughter embark on such a journey.

But, that trip lit a travel passion that has stayed with me for nearly 40 years. I’ve been with my husband for 31 years, married for 25yrs. And, while he enjoys travel, he is not as avid a traveler as me. So, I often take trips alone, and he gets the same reactions from his work colleagues. They are all amazed that he “lets” me go! Pffft! As if he had a choice, hahahahah! On the contrary, he encourages me to travel because he knows this is my passion. He comes with me when we have “vacations”, which basically means we stay in very nice hotels and spend only a little time sightseeing and more time relaxing. I enjoy that for a couple of days and then am itching to be on the move. I travel a lot for work, and often tag on a day or two for sightseeing. The homecomings are always lovely! I love being away, but I also love coming home to my family.

Donna

June 14, 2015 at 10:34 pm (4 years ago)

Have recently discovered your site, and love it! :-) Last year I travelled to Turkey for 3 weeks solo, after which my husband met me in Rome for another 3 weeks. For two of the weeks in Turkey I was on a tour and with other people, but I topped and tailed in Istanbul by myself. Despite being very conservatively dressed, the looks and remarks I received when walking around by myself — from both men and women — were most certainly that of high disapproval. I never really felt unsafe (apart from one isolated incident), but it did make me very uncomfortable and at times a bit uncertain and wishing my husband was there. I do understand and appreciate the conservative nature of Turkey but at the same time I felt annoyed to be so obviously singled out because I was a female by myself (and I know this because I have other female friends who have experienced the same, yet male friends who have never had such a thing), and it did affect my overall experience of Istanbul. When I was with the tour group however, it was not a problem. For this reason I feel disinclined to travel to another conservative country by myself, which is a shame. Oh and for the record, I most certainly did not need my husband’s permission to go, although he was perhaps a little jealous ;-)

Welcome to my blog Donna! :-)
Of course, solo travel isn’t always perfect, especially in destinations where women’s right are still unsettled. It’s a work in progress, and I’m glad you weren’t deterred by the experience!

Christine

June 15, 2015 at 1:22 am (4 years ago)

I used to travel alone throughout whole Europe whilst I was studying. Germany was and is the perfect base to go in every direction. now I am married and have a son, so I am more interested in showing those two now what I found previously…

I once saw an exhibition of women solo travellers in the 1800s. It was so amazing, normally women in that time looked gazed over and never looked straight at something on the peintures, but these women were so clear in their sight and they had this “no bullshit” attitude you could see fully in the picture.
Every women who is independent and enjoys her freedom (and knows that unfortunately it is not everywhere or every body like this) is a feminist and should say it to take away the negative connotation!

I saw this first because of the discussion on FB. Good topic, especially since what that guy said to you was so inappropriate. I do think it’s important for those reading that this guy used the word “permission,” which is quite different from asking if you and your husband “discussed” it, or something more appropriate.

In a marriage, both people need to give the other space to pursue their dreams while providing consistent emotional support and love to the each other. I have been with my husband for 16 years, and I traveled alone (in fact, I’m writing this while he is at home and I am traveling with our two kids!). My husband has also traveled alone several times because his family lives in Brazil, and sometimes he wants to go there for a month but we cannot both afford to go.

I always feel sorry for people who do what they think you are “supposed to do” in life. Like a woman I worked with who wanted to go on a cruise so bad and could not because her husband did not want to. Obviously, I told her to go alone. She rolled her eyes at me and said “Jennifer, you don’t know anything about marriage.” Well I know you are in a shitty one if you cannot do something you are dying to do just because you are married.

I often travel alone – and even visit my best (male!) friend (and his mother and girlfriend…) by myself. GASP! How dare I do such a horrendous thing.

I completely agree with you, I’m never happier than when I get home after a few days on my own and see my boyfriend again. I believe the time apart even makes our relationship stronger and makes us grow as individuals and as a couple.

Great article and very timely for me as I embark on a 6+ month RTW trip sans husband to kick off my new blog. It came up just yesterday in a way that sounded like he felt I should be grateful to have such an open-minded husband and I lit into him like nobody’s business. In fact, I am very grateful, and I made sure he knew it, but not in a way that might lead to the assumption that I might need to ask permission in the future. It’s a fine line and a critical boundary. The fact is that he hates to travel the way I do, and when we’re together I feel like I’m dragging an extra piece of luggage with me. It’s hell for both of us, and I think he likes how quiet and clean the house is when I am gone. Everybody wins. When I get asked a variation of that question I respond that it was part of our wedding vows to treat each other like responsible adults and go wherever the fuck we want.

I can’t even count how many times I have been asked that question, by both men and women. Most haven’t thought it through and have no idea how offensive they are being. Some people seem to think that solo travel is a last resort, rather than a conscious choice.

Now that I am divorced, what bothers me most is the people who presume that it was my travelling that broke up our marriage. It couldn’t be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t stop people of a certain mindset of feeling vindicated and self-satisfied. You let your womenfolk go travelling and sooner or later they get uppity ideas in their heads…

This is absolutely beautiful. I am not married and don’t expect to be anytime soon, but this is the kind of marriage I want to have one day. I am heading to Thailand solo in a few months to teach English and this was such an inspiring read as I prepare for that journey. Your description of feminism is what feminism should be and your words are so wise and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing.

I love this. My husband is a poor traveler at best. I traveled alone on business for many years before we met and still prefer to be on my own. It is so much easier not to have to be concerned about whether someone else is enjoying themselves or missing out on something because they would prefer to be doing something else. I occasionally will bring him along with me, but only with the understanding that he will be on his own most of the time while I am conducting business.

I would not be shocked if this kind of sexist remark came from someone from India or Asia. It is the way they treat women here, they feel they have some kind of right over their wives or something. While most men are like that, change is brewing and I am happy to be a part of this revolution for equal rights for everyone. Feminism, mostly misunderstood as a concept of hating men rather than of equality and I wish that someday, people will realise what we really want to preach is just equal rights for all.

Thank you for this post! You’ve made me feel like I am not alone. I’ve been in a relationship for almost six years and as a travel blogger I often have to travel alone without my partner who works a full time job. I have also had numerous people ask me the same question and they seemed surprised when I tell them that my partner supports me in my travels and my career. I had exactly the same thoughts as you when I got asked, and I too felt offended. One person even said ” Doesn’t he get worried that you’ll cheat on him?” Holding back the urge to slap them was a difficult task! The impression I got from a large amount of people is that it wasn’t normal to be apart from your husband/boyfriend and to travel solo as an attached woman was insane!

Laura

June 30, 2015 at 9:32 am (4 years ago)

Thank you for this post!
I think that this is not only sexism, but also the deep fear of many men to find out that women can also …travel/drive/ live without them, or their “help”.
I’m 61, married from a ….bunch of years (36!).
We do love to travel together, but we have also various and different interest.
I’m very fond of…..patchwork and quilting and so on, and I love visiting quilt festivals or quilt exibition, places where most men are bored!
When I visit a quilt festival, I want to be free to look at a quilt for the time I desire, to take all the pictures that I like, to buy all the stuff that I can afford (sometimes also a bit more), to take part to classes and so on, but also to go back to the motel when the festival closes in the evening, and to eat only when I feel hungry, to rest when I feel tired, to sleep early in the evening; no space, neither mental room for an husband in all this!
So I travel alone to Festivals or Exibitions, that is in Milan, an hour an an half train from my town, in French, or in Houston Texas!
If I can reach Houston travelling with my husband, why should not do it travelling alone?

Hey Laura! Such a great story you have there. Indeed, you should be able travel on your own and do your own thing on your own terms. You should never refrain from going by yourself because you’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings. Think of all the fun things you’ll have to say to your husband when you get back home :-) Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Rachele

August 9, 2015 at 11:57 pm (4 years ago)

Ten years ago I traveled to Italy after having taken several semesters of Italian to meet my Italian cousins. My aunt and her husband in the USA thought it was horrific my husband didn’t want to go. After all, our kids and I was first staying with a high school friend for a week in Sweden. Then on to Italy from there, and then to friends in London before we headed back across the pond. My misogynistic Italian cousins thought I was some sort of prostitute galavanting across the globe. So when my cousin’s daughter came to visit the USA, he did not want her in association with me and my bad influence. At 35 years-old he believed women should be coddled like those with down syndrome. That women are the inferior weaker gender that wasn’t bright enough to become resourceful in a pinch. There are misogynistic men in the USA that mentally abuse their wives, daughters, and other females family members like this and I find it disgusting. When are men going to stop treating women like retards, and when are women going to stop playing the role of subservient sperm receptacle and not take this bull feces any longer?

Same here! While my boyfriend is my boyfriend and not my husband people always immediately ask HIM how he feels about my upcoming trip instead of asking me how I feel about my trip and if I’m excited. It’s so insane that you can’t travel alone without being judged for it. SO WEIRD and oddly annoying.

Wow! What an interesting post but what an awful question to ask. I’m shocked at such impertinence but yet not really, and that is sad.

Like yourself, I’m married and while I am the extrovert, my husband is an introvert and prefers to stay local and that’s perfectly OK. For our family holidays, we compromise and put in stuff that everyone likes although mainly planned and organised by myself LOL!

I certainly don’t ask my husband’s permission if and when I want to travel and because we have a tween, our concern is his care of course, so I travel when our son is either camping or hiking over the weekend / summer, at his grandparents in Northern Germany or my husband and he have a “boys’ weekend” or he simply travels along with me as he’s a good traveller as long as the basics like WIFI, a good bed and plenty of food are included LOL!

Michel

September 29, 2015 at 3:37 am (3 years ago)

I remember reading this blog a while ago and I needed time to come up with a good enough answer. All I can say is that my mother did not bring me up to view women as inferior . I can also say that she thought me to mind my own business.

Darlene

November 7, 2015 at 7:17 pm (3 years ago)

I am 52 and have been happily married to the same man for over 20 years. We grew up and still live in the Deep South – which we love. I get more than double the vacation time my husband gets, so I often add an extra solo week to our trips. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard similar comments from both men and women. So long as I am comfortable with solo travel I figure it’s no one else’s business!

Tracey

November 14, 2015 at 9:26 pm (3 years ago)

Hi I have just stumbled across your blog and am very happy that I have! I’m 52 and have been married for 24 years and suddenly I have this very strong urge to travel on my own to Ireland. I want to do my own thing. I want to do some walking tours etc and my husband isn’t really into it and to be honest I’d rather go on my own, but boy it isn’t going down too well with him! He is making noises about coming too because I think he thinks he has to! Actually I’m getting sideways looks from everybody I talk to about it. Apparently it’s not the done thing so reading your blog is inspiring.

Tracey

February 25, 2016 at 7:13 am (3 years ago)

Sadly, those attitudes seem to be so much more common than they should be and they are not only restricted to females travelling solo. I’ve been married for 20+ years and my husband can no longer travel due to a serious, long term illness. We have a son who is now 13 and with whom I have traveled since he was very small, covering remote areas in my own country and several longer overseas trips.

The responses when people find that I’m traveling or planning to travel with a child have ranged from the comical, to the incredulous to the downright rude. After all, how would I possibly stay safe and protect my child, me being a helpless female and all! And how dare I neglect my wifely duties to head off and enjoy myself?

I have long since stopped listening to those people because their opinions really don’t matter to me but I do wonder if they have ever truly listened to themselves and understood the underlying assumptions in their comments.

Jenée

March 26, 2016 at 1:47 am (3 years ago)

I have 2 sons and when we have traveled together people like to tell them to make sure to keep me… their Mother safe. My boys are polite and mumble a yes; all the while waiting for me to rip whoever it is a new hole. Mostly I remind them ( the thoughtless person) that a momma bear is twice as deadly as a grizzly when it comes to protecting their cubs. Meaning I’m perfectly capable of keeping us all safe.

Loree

March 29, 2016 at 12:00 pm (3 years ago)

Wait until you have children! :-). Then for some, they are incredulous that you would travel at all, let alone solo as a woman. But if you have wanderlust, the universe conspires to make it happen for you. And last time I checked, self-care is hugely important. :-)

Kim Kramer

April 4, 2016 at 3:20 pm (3 years ago)

I really like this blog and found it intriguing that I have encountered the same question. The thing not to do is with such men, is not to get all worked up, just give them a smirk. To such an idea is to compare marriage as a chain and ball. I’ve traveled alone or together with my husband. It just depends and we don’t ‘ask each other for permission do to anything, why would we do that? WHAT’S really funny to me is without my “wanderlust” I would have never met my husband. I met him in Amsterdam while I was traveling alone. If I hadn’t had this travel bug to begin with I would still be single. There’s my answer right there.

J T

May 4, 2016 at 11:04 am (3 years ago)

Opinions range on how it feels to have your spouse travel without you. Concern for safety, concerns they don’t love you enough to miss you, resentment that feelings are disregarded. 3 nights away a week on business is not joined at the hip but choosing to Vaca w friends can challenge a partners happiness.

The man probably said that in front of his wife on purpose because he didn’t want her getting the idea that it would be acceptable to him.

The problem is nobody talks about this particular topic when they’re dating it just jumps up in front of you after you’ve been married a few years. And it’s a very volatile topic.

Well I think if independence is a core value for a person then yes, this topic should be addressed in the early stages of dating. And in the end, the definition of “solo travel when married” varies vastly – are we talking a few nights out of the year, or several weeks? It’s a very individual answer.

Ben

May 5, 2016 at 1:15 pm (3 years ago)

I just came across the blog while researching solo travel. I experienced the same thing in reverse in past relationships. Having become a single dad at 19, my entire 20s were dedicated to my daughter. Around 30, things started to loosen up, and I began to consider where I’d like to travel. Then I got into an emotionally abusive relationship full of double standards. One of them was that she got to take a trip to the Bahamas, but when I brought up the idea of me going somewhere without her, all hell broke loose. As with many areas of the relationship, I was treated like I didn’t deserve the things she did. I finally got out of that relationship 11 years ago and married a woman who is, among many other wonderful things, fair. I still struggled with feelings of being undeserving of certain things, and we struggled a lot financially, so travel together or alone was not something that came up as a serious thing.

Finally, last year, her sister wanted to do a girl’s cruise to the Bahamas for her 40th birthday. My wife and I both check things with each other, so she asked if it was ok. Unless it’s something ridiculous, I can’t refuse her, so without hesitation I said yes.

Over the course of months, I’m embarrassed to say I became resentful, because all my past issues had me assuming I’d never get to travel, and she was going to be having MY dream vacation. To top it all off, I was the at home parent, so it wasn’t even like I felt I could earn it. It wasn’t like I could ever get a bonus check that would cover it. The way the culture views dads when they’re with the kids is that we’re “babysitting,” but without the paycheck.

After trying to work through it in therapy, finally, with my heart pounding in my chest, expecting a no, but with too much pent up frustration to keep it in, I asked if she’d be ok with me taking the same or a similar trip without her, whether alone or with the guys. Expecting either an argument, dismissal or at least a request for an explanation, I had to pick up my jaw off the floor when all I got was a yes.

I have time to prepare. This year, we’re traveling without the kids for the first time in almost 10 years of marriage thanks to a cruise voucher we received for attending a presentation. Next year is our actual 10th, so we want to do something. The following year is her 50th, so we’re probably doing something with the whole family. Time wise, more than 1 cruise isn’t in the works, but I plan to stake a claim on mine for the year after her 50th.

I agree there shouldn’t be double standards in relationships. Some couples aren’t ok with traveling apart. Others are fine with it. Personally, I think what’s good for the goose should be good for the gander. I’m also thrilled my wife took her cruise, because that led to me making plans to pay a debt I owe myself after unjustly denying myself the travel I deserved.

We just came across your article (by browsing your entire blog – we love it!) and the amount of comments show that this topic is important! We travel alone as well as with our partner / friends and both ways are absolutely fine! Of course we tell our partner our plans but we never ask for permission. And it’s the same vice versa. When he wants to go somewhere / do something it’s totally fine! Because why shouldn’t it be?! Loving each other doesn’t mean living ONE EXACT same life.
And yeah- that guy really was an asshole. Some people just don’t think before they speak!
xx Anna & Vanessa

Marie

You’ve got to be able to talk to each other honestly! Tell him how you feel, and ask him why he travels solo while remaining respectful of his choice. If you each have a better understanding of each other, it will be easier to cope.

I came across your blog on the web, as I have been looking for travel blogs to post to. I’ve been a solo traveler since my husband passed away 3 years ago. We had a great time traveling together and I miss his company, but since I’ve been traveling alone, I’ve been seeing the advantages. I have that feeling of independence and moving at my own pace, and no debating over what to see/do next. I know my husband is watching over me and is glad I am carrying on the tradition of traveling and seeing/doing what I want.

adeola

August 27, 2017 at 6:47 am (2 years ago)

My last two relationships has been a long distance relationship and to be honest I have no issues with a little distance here and there. in fact, i love to be in a relationship and then still be alone. Its weird but its me and how I roll.
I am in a new relationship. we have been together for a year (long distance) and my boyfriend, we plan on getting married soon just asked me if I will be able to travel for six months for work without him to another country when we get married. I honestly said yes and he his making me feel guilty.
I want to be able to be an individual and do stuff on my own even tho I am married. Is this a bad thing? especially career stuff.

Captain Picard

AndrewAnonymous

December 8, 2017 at 6:16 am (1 year ago)

Hi Marie-Eve,

As long as they are travelling with a good female friend or alone. As long as it’s done with full openness and respectable boundaries that apply to BOTH women and men. I would never take another girl on a trip, nor share a hotel room with her as I would expect my wife not to do the same.

I agree with a lot of the points, but it should be within reason. I think it’s very important to have a lot of trust for each other if a relationship of this kind is going to work out. No man has the right to deny his wife to travel alone or with a good female friend and no wife should have the right to deny her man. Freedom must go both ways. I feel a lot of men don’t like this idea to give their wife “too much” freedom in fear of them cheating while travelling, but truth to be told. If the wife/husband choose to cheat while travelling it’s them who’s responsible for their actions.

I have read many articles for solo traveling but this is one such article that is very much different one till. I enjoyed reading this article with the completely different perspective that helps people to think broadly in every situation. I would surely love to try this and will my passion for traveling alone again. Thank you so much

Wow! This is quite a topic. As an older married woman, I am all about traveling alone or with my spouse. My husband travels quite a bit for work, and I used to as a travel agent. We enjoy traveling together as we both don’t want to miss out. I do feel that this attitude of “no” you can’t go alone, or without me and the kids is changing, and it’s great!
Those of you who want your spouse to have some time to themselves only enhances your relationship. Make sure there is time to travel together, or as a family as it enhances those relationships also, but alone time is necessary.
Keep the conversation going and maybe those that say “no” will change their minds.

Heather Howe

March 14, 2018 at 1:37 am (1 year ago)

I know that this post is pretty old now, but I have been reading travel blogs for years and this is the first one I have ever read that addresses this issue. I too am married (almost five years) and I travel alone a lot. It is insane how often I have to “explain” myself. Thank you for reminding the “open minded” travel community that marriage does not mean the end of individual identity. Being independent and doing our own thing is what keeps our marriage healthy. <3

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Meet Marie

When I was 19, I packed my suitcase and moved to England. A journey that, unbeknownst to me, would alter the rest of my life in the best possible way. Back in Montreal 9 years and 31 countries later, my bucket list is longer than ever and I’ve turned my passion into my profession. I’m Marie-Eve, and this is my travel blog.