Venturing into the Scary World of Fertiles

Since yesterday’s post I’ve actually ticked off two scary things! I feel like I’ve been on safari taking the ‘Scary World of Fertiles Adventure Ride’. What a roller coaster – I still feel a bit nauseous. They should hand out vomit bags.

First off – and this will sound pathetic – yesterday at lunch I went to a maternity clothes store. One that only sells maternity clothes. Most people wouldn’t understand why this is scary, but unfortunately I know many of you will understand. I had enough trouble checking out the microscopic maternity sections of larger stores, where I could quickly slip across to something less confrontational like the sock section, but this was a different level of scary. It doesn’t seem like the sort of place I should be in; it’s where other people go. Those people – fertiles. I felt immensely uncomfortable. I felt like I was really tempting fate – and like I was being some sort of fertile imposter. Plus I feel like a blob and generally hate clothes. I’ve gained soo much weight doing IVF. But the woman who runs the shop was surprisingly great. I usually hate people who accost me in shops with offers of help. But I decided to be a big girl and ask for some help when she offered – because I needed it. And she had clothes that were nice, fit me, and as a bonus everything in the shop was on sale. So I got a pair of trousers and she’s getting another pair (same cut but in black) and a pair of jeans in for me. And the ones she’s getting in for me she let my buy at the sale price too (but if I change my mind when they come in I can still return them). I might need to hem the pants slightly, and I have to admit part of me is thinking I shouldn’t do it until I really need them as if they haven’t been altered or worn maybe I can return them if I don’t need them. I don’t know.

Then this morning I went to the hospital for my pre-admission appointment with the maternity unit. It was really freaky for me going there. This is the hospital where I miscarried Blobby. The last time I was there was when I had to take my husband to emergency immediately after and ovum pick up on the 6 month anniversary of Blobby’s death. I entered via the front door rather than emergency this time – thinking it would be good it was different – but realised the last time I was in the foyer was when I was discharged and waiting for my husband to pull up in our car out front. I was in pain and thought everyone was staring at me; someone tried to make a joke at me and I didn’t understand and started crying. I walked through fast and got into the lift.

The appointment was with a midwife and mostly consisted of answering questions for paperwork. Which sort of put me in an almost comfortable place; a good portion of my job is analysing information collected from health and human services clients and designing information systems to store and access the information. Some questions were hard to get through, but I only teared up a little. I made a lot of stupid, nervous jokes. And then we went on a tour of the unit. It would have been really interesting to see the results if I’d been wearing a heart monitor. We went into two of the delivery suites. They seemed nice, I guess. I made more stupid, nervous jokes. My husband took the folder of paperwork I carry around with me because my hands were shaking and I kept dropping it. We weren’t able to look in on the nursery (only used for preemies or if there’s something wrong; babies sleep in your room with you unless you really need some uninterrupted sleep). The rooms seems big and nice. There was a baby massage session happening so we didn’t see the lounge. Then we booked in for some antenatal sessions and could escape.

I don’t know why it freaks me out so much. I don’t know why the delivery rooms scare me as much as they do. I actually don’t feel much fear of giving birth normally; all my fear is wrapped up in miscarrying or going into pre-term labor. I don’t know – maybe my fear is about having the hubris to be in this place I don’t feel like I’ll ever be.

So there; I did it. I ventured into two confronting fertile environments.

I’m not good with heights. I feel like I’ve been pushing myself lately, trying to force myself to look over the edge of a huge cliff I’m just not able to confront. I’m not a bird who can soar; I’m a big, fluffy, flightless emu. So I think I need to back off from the edge a bit. I’ve challenged myself, but I need to step back and let the vertigo pass before I’m overcome with dizziness and fall. Maybe I’ll evolve some wings, but I can’t force it to happen.

And thank you. You’re all so understanding, supportive, and generally wonderful. Although one or two of you might need to be educated about the wonders of Weird Al.

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You know, I still feel so far from ever being pregnant that I hadn’t even considered what it would feel like to be an actual member of some of those clubs– the Maternity Store Shoppers, the Hospital Interviewers, the Preschool Application Filler-Outers… I can’t imagine what it’s like to say “I’m a mom.” Hmm. You’ve given me some thoughts to consider; thank you 🙂

Yay for venturing to “that” fertile world! You are much more game than me. I didn’t enter a baby store till I was overdue cause the boy needed his hospital outfit and most of my maternity clothes consisted of that attachment zipper on normal jeans. I understand completely what you felt with this experience. Another milestone ticked!

Too much at once! Take it a little slower from here out. You’ve got a lot of things to get used to still, so don’t push it. But hurray for maternity clothes, because you will feel better with more comfortable clothes.

Weird Al is best in small doses – like one song every few years. 😉 My nephew tried to indoctrinate my daughter this past summer – he kept playing Eat It for her.

Good on you for stepping out into that scary world! I can understand that you might feel like an impostor but the reality is that you’re not! You are pregnant, you’ve got a healthy little bub developing in your uterus and you belong there! Plus – surely soon you’ll be happy for the comfortable forgiveness of the maternity pants.

Weird Al…wow, I didn’t realise he was still around! I agree with a previous commenter though – definitely best in small doses!

Hem the freaking pants, you’re definitely gonna need them. As for the hospital, get this: I work in the same hospital (and sometimes same room) where I lost my baby. It gets easier with exposure. It only takes 100 times or so. Good for you for going through no 1, that is the hardest.

Good for you. I felt the same way when I first went into a bookshop to look at pregnancy books. Instead I stood in font of the the “Dark Teenage Romance” (true label) section and looked at those scary bump books out of the corner of my eye.

It must have been so hard to go back and visit the place where you lost little Blobby. You’ve been through so much.

You did so well, really proud of you! Sounds like the lady in the boutique was so nice! It’s so hard not to feel like an impostor, I still do at times even though I’ve got a baby. I think that was a big enough challenge for this week, time to venture back to your comfort zone. Love you

I understand. When I was in there I kept looking to make sure no one I knew was walking past or even worse, coming in. I ordered some work pants plus jeans and also bought some cargo pants. I wore the cargo pants the other night, but they seem to fall down when I walk. Maybe I’ll grow into them. And you did a great job getting through your appointment at the hospital, must have been extremely hard.