Rant and Rave

Rant and Rave Folllow-up letters: Car Stereos

The Bass Seeking Missle

Christopher is completely correct. These mega-decibel sound systems
have the same effect upon the auditory hair cells as Mount St. Helens
had upon the surrounding trees. The resultant waveforms reflecting
back and forth within the cranial cavity are probably slowly reducing
the neurons and glial cells to primordial ooze, which probably in part
explains the individual's self destructive behavior.

Legislation is only as good as enforcement. Many urban areas already
have noise ordinances. Perhaps if we closed all the donut shops, as
someone suggested, we might see them enforced.

Trish Archer

Legislate 'Em Out Of Existence

A solution to the annoyance of the mega stereo is at hand. The
constant downsizing of not only government agencies and contractors,
but commercial entities as well, provides us with the easy solution to
this death by decibels.

We have someone in the US Armed Forces (you must know somebody in a
HumVee pretty well) and have them express the dire urge to develop a
new and extremely powerful weapon - the Bass Seeking Missile. The BSM
will junt down all frequencies below, lets say, 50 megahertz and at
decibel levels greater than 60. The source must also be determined to
be moving. The weapons will be sold to the United States, who, in
their infinite wisdom, will shortly determine that these weapons
aren't all they were cracked up to be and will then offer them for
public auction. The weapons will then be purchased by interested
car-talk listeners, and anyone with better sense, to begin the fight
against the annoyances being delivered from ugly cars with neon lights
beneath them.

The local police forces will have first crack at the Bass Seeking
Missiles (BSM's) as they are always first in line for the good stuff
our National government tosses away. The can equip their cruisers (and
loyal listeners can equip their poor ragged Volvos, VW's Chevys and
such) with on board BSM's. Then, as we patrol the afternoons we can
sneak up on these young men whilst they tinker in their mother's front
yard on their auto's power stealing devices. They will not be
expecting any offensive moves during the day, only at night when they
are cruising the streets, thus allowing themselves to be caught
unawares of the impending doom that awaits them.

The BSM's will be locked on target, launched as the poor sap tweaks an
amplifier, twisted over the back lid of the trunk. The BSM will
approach rapidly and noisily (to let humans out of its path) and
suddenly come upon the head unit of the victim's stereo. The stereo
will be instantly locked to the local public radio station. The amps
will be instantly dissolved into little tiny pellets of metallic
alloys, falling into holes where they will never be discovered, yet
continue to make an annoying sound while driving. Speakers will stay
in place, but have no useful function anymore, except to attract more
bugs to fall into them and die while the car is locked in the midday
heat.

The loud obnoxious foul low riding neon beast will be silenced and
they will suffer eternal electrical problems from then on. With a few
hundred missiles, a serious impact could be made on this threat to
civility.

while I'm sure this plan has some bugs in it, like the fact that
planes make big loud low pitched noises and so do some politicians
(did I say bugs? what was I thinking) the sacrifice will be worth the
loss. I humbly submit my plan to you, Click and Clack Tappet this day
July 28th 1996.