Ted Nugent Cuts Hair, Eyes Presidential Run

“Bring a machete, and let’s do this!” With those seven words to his wife’s hairdresser, Ted Nugent removed himself from the ranks of longhaired rock stars last week. But is his sharp new look part of a plan to run for President of the United States of America?

Well, not directly. It seems the long mane — which Nugent typically kept tied back and under a hat during concerts so as not to interfere with his wireless headset — was starting to interfere with his hunting trips. In an interview with 1230 WZBT, Nugent explained, “As I’m tracking deer my damn ponytail kept getting snagged, it got to be a pain in the ass. So on a whim, I just did it, and so far, everybody thinks that it’s OK.”

But it does seem that political aspirations are brewing within the outspoken and conservative-leaning musician’s mind. “That had nothing to do with [the haircut], but the threat of me running for public office is alive and well, because obviously our government has been overtaken by gangsters and America haters.”

And what would be different with “Uncle Ted” as the Commander-in-Chief? “I would love to see America run like the Nugent household,” he said. “You get up early, you maximize your productivity, you be the best that you can be, you live within your means, you save for a rainy day and you don’t be some gluttonous, slovenly, criminal, wasteful, paycheck fire-torching bastard like most of the bastards in politics today.”

OK, but let’s talk specifics — how would Nugent end the current government shutdown? Actually, he’s not in a hurry to do so. “No. 1, I celebrate that they’re shut down, because the Fedzilla is a bloated monster,” he said. “Let’s put it this way — for every 5,000 federal employees, I could hire one person to do a better job. It is so wasteful, it’s engineered obsolescence, it’s engineered redundancy, the whole battle cry of the federal government is waste, corruption, fraud, abuse of power, so I’m glad it’s shut down.”

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