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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A stranger is a friend you just haven't met yet...and other lies

So, today I got this email from a delightful new friend called Olga. Here it is:

how are you today? What is your name?

my name is Olga, You frequently are on this site http://www.rusbeauty-g*rls.ru/ ?I today wanted to talk to you in a chatYou have yahoo or hotmail ID? if you write to me, ok?I shall wait from you the letter with impatience

If I'd responded, it would have gone something like this:

Dear Olga,

I am very well today, thank you for asking. My name is Lisa, which my email address should have given away, but apparently didn't.

Actually, I have never been to that site that promises to be full of Russian beauties. In fact, I'm so suspicious of it that I've removed the link function here on my blog, and thrown in an asterisk. I'm sure your site is full of lovely Russian ladies, but if you knew as much about my web browsing habits as you pretend, you'd know I spend most of my time on gaytube. For research purposes only, I promise...

I would also love to talk to you in a chat, but, judging by your email, I fear the language barrier might be insurmountable.

I do have a hotmail or a yahoo ID as it happens, but, after having my heart broken last year by a Nigerian prince (or possibly the son of a deposed general, I can't remember which) I am reluctant about supplying it without knowing you a little better first.

However, I would like to thank you for accidentally steering me toward a new plot bunny. No, it's not the one where an ignorant fool sends a stranger her bank account details, it's the one with the Russian brides. Except in my universe it would be a Russian groom. Because, you know, I'm an equal opportunist (emphasis on "opportunist") and I wonder, given that same sex marriage is legal is some places now, if you guys aren't overlooking the gay demographic? I suppose what I'm really asking is do you have a brother?

I hope that you do, and I hope he is called Arkady. Because I've always loved that name.

However, I doubt very much that I shall write to you, ok? I hope you will not wait for me the letter with too much impatience.

Счастливого Нового Года! *

Lisa

*That phrase apparently means "Happy new year". I took Olga's lead and used Google translate, so it might mean anything really.

Wait...Olga e-mailed YOU? But Olga and I have been AIMing, hotmailing (and I do mean HOT mailing), twattering, skyping, etc. for days. She told me she wanted to get to know ME better. I thought...I thought we had something special. And now I find out she write you, ok?

I'm afraid I have no choice but to challenge you to a duel for Olga's heart. Tomorrow at dawn, on gaytube, where I will also be for research purposes.

We'll have to coordinate, because your tomorrow is different from my tomorrow. Let's say your tomorrow, so my two days from now. Your dawn. So I'll just set my watch...there. That should do it.