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Christmas and Family

I'm new to the forum and hope I can post without making a book out of it. I have 3 children all living in different states. One married +2 small children, 1 single self employed, 1 single + dog + high powered job. Usually we have Christmas at our place although this has caused hardship due to high cost of flights etc, but we do love getting together. Eldest son and family have just moved into own home and want to have their first Christmas in their own home as a family with us present of course. My son who is self employed will go to wherever as long as he is not working as that has to have priority and we all understand that. Daughter does not want to travel so far as it will not only be hard on her but also her dog, anyway she finds her nephew and niece noisy and mainly she would like to spend the time just unwinding after a hectic year work year and another one to come. Husband hates to travel and be away from his own home (seems to be an actual physical thing for him and I understand). The benefit of previous years is that with a 6 week holiday from school and my son and daughter in law not being able to have time off work I have got my grandchildren and they stay with us, then mum and dad come up for Christmas and New Year and then take them back with them in time for school. This year there are 3 weeks before and 3 weeks after Christmas. My son knows I do not like to be away from home for that amount of time and away from my husband. I have tried to work out how I can do things so that I actually make life easier for everyone - such as have grandchildren here for a few weeks and then going to their place with the children for Christmas, and then I feel sorry for my daughter being on her own when I am with my son and what about my other child. I have realised that I am actually trying mostly to make things easier for my children at the expense of my husband and myself.

So I am thinking that I should just stop this and let my grandchildren come to our house for December and then I can put them on a plane in time for them to be at their own home for Christmas. My husband and I can spend Christmas together and then I can go down after Christmas on my own (as husband doesn't want to go and is happy to stay here) and spend January with my grandchildren. I've told my daughter and other son I can see them in February and they say are ok with that.

Why am I over analysing whether I am being mean to my daughter if I go to my son and daughter in law, mean to my son and daughter in law if I stay with my husband.

I think I just need some sort of acknowledgement that letting my children do their own thing (even if it is not their preferred choice - that is us all spending Christmas together) is ok. That I shouldn't feel bad that for the first time in 8 years the family will not be all together. And that maybe my son will enjoy being with his family in their new home because we can get together next year maybe.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts and hope that I have made sense. It is in my nature I know to want everyone to be happy even if it is at my expense.

Re: Christmas and Family

Welcome to Lifesupporters, ElaineC

I totally understand what you are going through as I've gone through it myself as our grown-up sons and families live 500 miles away, and winter travel is not the best with snowy mountain passes. I'm not a flyer so that is out even though some airport flights are cancelled through the winter.

I've learned that it is not possible to make everyone happy no matter how much we, as parents, want to. Someone will end up being hurt and I've learned I just can't take that on anymore, and I think that our sons don't even want us to feel badly about whether we can get together or not.

It's always a good thing to let our children, grandchildren, and extended families know they are loved as opportunities to either talk on the phone, email, facebook, whatever, to be told that they are loved and that's all we can do. It is up to the children how they act or react, as it's their choices like it is for us as parents.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
who’s getting the better of the deal.

Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise