The secret to a healthy, happy marriage is ridiculously simple

If you've recently gotten into a heated argument with your
significant other, chances are you're familiar with what happens
next: Your mind swirls with ideas about how you wish the
conversation had gone.

You shouldn't have let your emotions get the best of
you, you think to yourself. If only you'd held your
tongue about that last bit. You didn't mean to be so,
well, mean.

Here's the good news: If you approach your partner about it now,
there's a good chance he or she won't be permanently hurt.
More importantly, talking about a conflict just after
it's happened gives you and your partner the chance to figure out
what went wrong and take the necessary action to resolve
it.

Practicing this critical step can often be what separates the
couples who stay together from those who divorce, says John
Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and
founder of the Gottman
Institute.

Gottman and University of California-Berkeley psychologist Robert
Levenson conducted a
14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21
of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. They
found they could distinguish the couples who stayed together from
the ones who eventually divorced with
a few simple behavioral patterns.

Other more recent research has built upon those initial findings.
A 2015 study of 145
couples, for example, found that those who received trainings on
how to address conflicts immediately and with clear communication
felt more satisfied with their relationship a year down the road
than couples who didn't receive the training. Those who didn't
get the training were also more likely to see their interactions
deteriorate over the year they were reporting back to the
researchers.

Another 2010 study
of 373 married couples found that, when both partners engaged
positively during an argument — meaning they discussed the topic
calmly and made an effort to listen to their partner and better
understand his or her feelings — they were far less likely to
divorce than couples where there was no positive engagement or
when only one partner would engage positively. The results held
steady as far as 16 years down the road.

How a successful couple fights vs. how a couples who divorces
fights

When it came to how they addressed arguments, couples in
Gottman's study who eventually split generally took longer to
address a recent argument, often leaving each other to stew in
individual thoughts for hours or days after a fight. They also
would often cut off discussions about a conflict prematurely with
unhelpful, insensitive comments.

Conversely, couples who stayed together would typically discuss
their arguments almost immediately after they'd happened, and
when they did so they would generally approach one another with
an open mind, taking responsibility for their actions and
listening to their partner's feelings.

Say you sound off on your partner for leaving the dishes in the
sink, for example. Sure, you could spend the next few minutes (or
hours or days) telling yourself that it was no big deal or that
he or she will get over it eventually. You could even try to
justify your actions by telling yourself that your partner
shouldn't have been such a slob.

But the longer you wait, the worse the situation is likely to
get, says Gottman.

Picture yourself and your partner in a boat, Gottman says, with
the emotions that both of you are feeling represented by the sea
around you. A small argument stirs the waters a bit and gets the
boat rocking. But a quick effort to stabilize the boat — with an
open conversation or an apology — can be all that's required to
get you back to smooth sailing.

Waiting around, on the other hand, only strengthens the
waves — and waiting too long can lead to disaster.

To calm a rocking boat, Gottman suggests you and your partner
talk immediately and openly about what just happened. This
requires recognizing that both of you are partially responsible
for the problem and both of you are responsible for making
amends.

In other words, don't bring up a heated argument only to tell
your partner that he or she was wrong to begin with, or that he
or she was simply being illogical. Why? Because a statement like
this does nothing to acknowledge his or her feelings.

"If you tell someone they're not being logical or say something
like 'you're getting off track,'" says Gottman, "it just doesn't
work. It makes people angry." On the other hand, saying something
like, "I can see that this is really important to you; tell me
more" — that allows the other person to feel heard, Gottman says.

Next time you feel an argument escalating, try one of these
tactics. It might restore some calm to your relationship, or even
help keep your boat from capsizing.