Ask Emily: How Soon is Too Soon to Share My Fetish?

Hi Emily,

I am single and dating—mostly online. And a lot of women will ask me, usually on a first date, what I’m into sexually, especially whether or not I’m a boob or butt guy. I have a mild foot fetish and in most of my previous relationships, I never really had to tell my partner. I would just slowly introduce it in the bedroom and they would always be on board with it, because by that time we already liked each other.

This isn’t something I feel comfortable talking about on a first date, and fortunately every girl so far thinks it’s pretty normal. I wanted to ask you if you were on a date with me and asked me that question, and I gave a ‘vanilla’ answer, but then later on in the bedroom I introduced it or mentioned it, if you would feel that you were lied to….

Thanks,

Paul

Dear Paul,

There’s not a one-size-fits all sex menu, especially when it comes to fetishes. That said, I don’t necessarily think you need to lead with your foot fetish on a first date. Dating is tough enough as it is, especially in the context of online dating because you’re also meeting this person for the first time. Plus, you might both already be thinking about having sex later that night… The whole thing can be kind of awkward. Sharing about a fetish when you’re not ready to reveal it and they’re not ready to hear it, can be extremely awkward.

Of course, if you start talking about sex (and feel comfortable) then you should bring it up. But I wouldn’t be like “Hey do you want to order the salmon or the chicken, and by the way, I like feet.”

I want to stress that you definitely shouldn’t be embarrassed about it. I know you said you’ve been successful in the past, discussing this with the right person, but even early on, your proclivity for feet is something to totally own. I don’t care if you’re turned on by big breasts, feet or bearded dragon role-play—you should be proud that you’ve found something that presses your buttons in the right way. And honestly, who doesn’t like to have their feet rubbed? I would be so down to be with a guy with a foot fetish, and I’m sure a lot of women out there feel the same way.

Now, if you’re looking for ways to bring this up after the first date, but are still feeling it out, here are some things to try. You can give them a compliment about their feet, their shoes, or even offer them a foot massage. By dropping subtle hints, you’ll be more comfortable saying exactly what you want to do with those feet later on. And by their reactions, you’ll most likely be able to tell whether or not they are interested in exploring the subject further.

Sometimes we’d rather know these things sooner rather than later, but try to trust that it will come naturally and you’ll know the right time. Don’t worry about trying to sound “vanilla”—there’s nothing wrong with keeping a bit of mystery on the first date or so. Most likely, as you get to know this person, they’ll look forward to learning about your many other flavors.

There’s nothing wrong with a foot fetish. If this is your thing and you need to have it (which is the factor that separates a fetish from a regular old kink) and they freak out, then they’re not the right person for you. It’s important that your romantic relationships are also sexually gratifying, so don’t waste time on a person who can’t get on board with your sexual interests. You’ll surely find that groove with someone else.

In the meantime, relax and know that the right person (and their perfect feet) will walk into your life.