Essays on Life, Liberty and the Art of Depression

Thank God for Cab Drivers…otherwise I wouldn’t have found out about our glorious governor until the morning…not that it would that have been a BAD thing. But there is just SO MUCH to write about that my head hurts just thinking about it… whether it be Spitzer spending Bella’s Public School Budget on his trysts or whether I should move to LA so that I can get my daily needed dose of anti-depressants from simply drinking water. So I decided to keep it simple: The study of a new found language deep in the bowels of Brooklyn: Hebronics. See examples below. Study and learn, schermerm. But first, a pic of Gov. Spitzer with his wife and anonymous supporter.

I know since high school you haven’t learned a language, but Hebronics is as easy to learn as…getting paid for sex.

Remark:
What do you think of Elliot Spitzer?
English: He’s a dumb ass to have gotten caught.Hebronic Response: He was thinking WHAT to embarrass his whole family that way? A shanda on him. His mother deserves more after all she wiped up after him.

Remark: “His brain is as slow as a turtle.”
English Answer: Yes he is.Hebronic Response: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he thinks.” Read the rest of this entry »

10) He did NOT cause a nuclear war.
9) He was not able to make abortion illegal.
8 ) He provided many comics with great material. If you haven’t already seen this, watch it now. It will make you pee in your pants. I did and I’m not embarrassed to admit it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_RSQSYgGB4
7) He did not ban TASTY DELITE even though God only knows what the hell is in this that makes 8 oz only 60 calories. If he had, we would have had an anorexic princess revolt.
6) He did not over turn Bloomberg’s ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. My lungs thank him.
5) He did not raise taxes on gasoline so I can continue driving my ’93 Lincoln and not go into bankruptcy. Or feel guilty about it because there really isn’t global warming.
4) He was very smart in hiring Cheney who earned $44 million dollars during his tenure at Halliburton, the world’s largest oil-and-gas-services company, so I don’t have to feel guilty or sorry that Mr. Bush will soon be unemployed. Cheney can support him.
3) He has not yet caught Osama Bin Laden. He has left that for our next president, so he/she will not be bored while in office.
2) He created the terror color code chart which gives us a vibrant way of being perpetually scared, without anything of substance behind the fear. Conveniently, the chart comes in handy whenever trailing on the polls.
1) AND # ONE…the most important and special thing that BUSH did while in office, was to make daylight savings time 5 weeks LONGER!!! Hurray for daylight!!!

VIEW FROM MY DECK AT 6PM ON MARCH 9, 2008!

Won’t you please vote for BUSH in 2008? I think if all of us banded together, we could get him in for a third term. Some other reasons that are worth an honorable mention:

TRIDENT SPLASH: Once you’ve tried it, you’ll never go back. And I love the packaging of the new flavor. Gum chewing experience changed forever.

NASAL DOUCHE AND ALKALOL: Once upon a time, I got 5 sinus infections a year. And went on anti-biotics 5 times a year. This has CHANGED MY LIFE. And my sinus’s.

FISH OIL: I am not sure why this made this list. But it’s supposed to do all sorts of amazing things. Like make your skin glow. And since that’s the only place I’ll be getting glow from, I figured that it should get a place on the list.

CREST WHITE STRIPS AND ELECTRIC TOOTH BRUSH: Okay, so I lied. It’s five things. But, I no longer have to worry about the color of my teeth. Two tools I could never live without.

I fired the cleaning lady. Or rather, she fired me. After 10 years. TEN YEARS! Why? Because she thought I should pay her more than $20/hour and she was thinking that I owed her that. That’s cash. That’s how much I earn. Almost. But she also started acting angry by shrinking all our clothes, breaking things, and leaving dirty wee — wee pads in Chloe’s room. So we decided to part ways.

I didn’t grow up with a cleaning lady. My mother, taught me to clean, every other weekend, my room, the bathroom, the laundry, etc. Aside from typing class, learning to clean properly was my most valuable life lesson (right after learning French kissing). So I figured I could handle a tiny two bedroom apartment.

AOL’s top News Story on Tuesday’s Home Page: they found a 6 legged octopus. Am I the only one who feels like saying: “who the fuck cares?” The poor thing has a birth defect. Let it go eat clams in peace. For God’s sakes, is it really worth 24 hours on AOL’s HOME PAGE??? Am I over-reacting?