We've Got Lasers Now, Says Navy

WE’VE got bloody lasers and everything now, the Royal Navy said last night.

They cost like 50 billion pounds each

The Ministry of Defence signed a contract for the Raytheon surface-to-air laser after senior ofifcers tried one at the Farnborough air show and said it was totally brilliant.

Admiral Sir Roy Hobbs said: “Brigadier Hayes got well longer on it than I did but I was all like ‘Pyow! Pyow! Pyow!â€ and the unmanned plane just went ‘ba-BOOOSH!’ and there was fire everywhere.

“I’m getting six of them. One for the Navy, one for my pal Geoff and four for me. I’m going to have one in my bedroom, one on my bike and two on my mum’s car. ”

A Raytheon spokesman said: “The deployment of solid state laser technology reflects not only the need for innovation in a changing battle environment but also means you get to hold something that is just totally cool as fuck.

“I got to fire one at a melon. It was amazing.”

Hobbs said he was keen to install the Raytheons in the fleet immediately, but has conceded that engineers must make sure all the parts have arrived first and that they need to be painted and left to dry before assembly.

He added: “As soon as they’re fitted I’m going to sail to Afghanistan and I’ll be all waiting for an enemy plane to fly overhead.

“And the American officers will be like ‘Let’s fire rockets at it’ and I’ll just zap it with my laser and they’ll be all like ‘what the fuck?’ and I’ll be like ‘have you not got one?'”