Damian Rzymski

Aspiring Screenwriter

Reviewer Rating:

Screenplays: 0

Reviews: 3

Enjoys:

Short Bio

I am a writer from the UK and a student of the craft for many years. Until now I've never wanted to put my work out there but I love the craft so much and enjoy the process that I feel maybe now us the time to share; knowledge and work.

The concept is very original which is a breath of fresh air and the story was okay, although the narrative was left to interpretation and not actually taken off the page. Some of my written summary was improvised in order to make sense of the story which might not be the interpretation of the writer. There were a lot of elements left to question that doesn't really sit well, for example, why were the children left to fend for themselves after their mother was killed? The narrative completely abandoned them, the oldest child is eight years old, and I don't think they would make it in this run down world on their own. What happened to the other 2 partners that were selected for this mission? The narrative abandoned them too. If Boyd's tech could easily find Ivanovitch DNA signature, why send Kane and Kip to apprehend him? Wouldn't Johnson just send someone more loyal to the cause? Why didn't the Special Unit just take everyone in at the time when they took Kip? Because at that moment none of them, but Boyd, knew of Johnson's true plans, so why would they refuse to give Ivanovitch up when it is there job to bring him in? Why does Ivanovitch have the key? Who is this man? I found myself asking questions like this throughout the entire story. When it comes to structure, I have to assume that the story wasn't outlined because structurally the story wasn't hitting the beats properly, if at all. It was very wishy washy because nothing was happening at crucial signposts of a screenplay, which usually introduces a new dilemma for the protagonist. A dilemma is where a person has a choice between two or more circumstances where the consequences are equal. Damned if you do, damned if you don't type of choices. This story lacked in that department. Also, I got lost in the logistics from time to time, not knowing when the story is on Earth and when on the Moon. Aside from Johnson, all characters can across as passive because I didn't know what they wanted so it made it difficult for me to root for them. It felt like they got on a rollercoast ride, went through the loops and turns, then got off the rollercoast feeling no different; simply because they had no reason to go on the rollercoater in the first place. Also is Kane's name an alias? There's a biblical reference to his name as a Cain and Abel. Thing is, all people are born innocent to the world so I find it hard to believe that his parents name their child after these people, predicting that he would grow up and become a man in conflict with himself. Doesn't make sense to me. Finally dialogue. It lacks subtext from start to finish. The character were just saying what they were thinking and every exchange in conversation came across as unnatural. There's a lot of formatting issues, I don't know what software you use but I would recommend final draft if you can afford the licence or FadeIn which you can write your screenplay for free, only costs when you want to publish out from the software. I know this comes across as extremely objective but I'm sure that's why you've put this story up for review.

It's a good story, very brooding and real. Although, I had to write the synopsis solely from the point of view of Nora because there are structure, execution and dilemma issues that fall short of the mark and I find myself asking questions about certain aspects of the narrative. For example, would Carter really allow Nora to cut her leave short to come back to work on a case that she is, not just personally emotionally involved with, but personally traumatized by? I see that as a big no no unless she can convince him otherwise. What's more, she didn't actually solve the case, Walsh and Carter did, so her presence here seemed quite meaningless. All the character were introduced by physique and like that I didn't get who they are off the page. There was also no real mystery, to your audience, because we meet Vincent very early, we see him kidnap the young woman and see all the bread crumb left behind. So, basically, I'm reading, waiting for the police to catch up so we can get to the good bits at the end of the script. I'd rather find out these clues when the characters do; that's what would make it a mystery. Dialogue is good but your grasp of subtext wanes the further I read, and I feel that some of the exposition is either placed randomly or comes too soon, that it took me out of the moment. Some off the dialogue exchanges didn't feel natural. There are scenes that I just didn't understand, for example, when she jumps in the river after revisiting the yellow shack. I didn't understand the riddles Vincent and Owen were spitting out and the meaning of them in relation to the story. I wasn't really emotionally invested in Officer Walsh when he was killed because I didn't offer much to the relationship side of things. And Lucy was introduced so late on in the script it just shouted out, to me, Officer Walsh is going to get killed off. I put in the logline that Nora wants to make peace with her inner demons, but is that really what she wants? I couldn't get a firm grasp of it which makes her a passive protagonist, simple because the only real emotional dilemma she faced was deciding whether or not to leave the mountains and go back to her hometown, and even that was quite muted. Vincent also came across as passive because I didn't really know why he was doing these terrible things or what he is supposed to accomplish by them. But the ending was good, whilst I was reading I was hoping, please make her relive her trauma, and you did just that... And that was very satisfying.

The story is an interesting idea of moving between dimensions and the future even though I didn't truly understand the technology that was capable of it, I only got the impression of the Binary Drive but didn't get it off the page. This is because the script lacks the show don't tell elements you'd expect from a visual medium. About 75% of the exposition comes across in dialogue and not in pictures, and a lack of subtext surrounding all this exposition makes the scenes difficult to navigate. The stories protagonist, James, comes across as passive, not needing to have to make any tough decisions, especially those decisions out of a dilemma that would traumatise his journey through the story. The Assassin was more active because he had his goal, he knows what he wants to accomplish and James wasn't really providing any obstacles for him to want to strike back at James and attack his weaknesses. Everything fell into James lap easily and conveniently that he was able to coast to the end of the story without facing any emotional peril. When Carly died, I didn't feel like there was any emotional closure with his wife. On a positive note, the set pieces were extremely visual and the writing style has lots of promise. I enjoyed reading the action sequences very much.

Damian Rzymski

Aspiring Screenwriter

Reviewer Rating:

Screenplays: 0

Reviews: 3

Enjoys:

Short Bio

I am a writer from the UK and a student of the craft for many years. Until now I've never wanted to put my work out there but I love the craft so much and enjoy the process that I feel maybe now us the time to share; knowledge and work.

The concept is very original which is a breath of fresh air and the story was okay, although the narrative was left to interpretation and not actually taken off the page. Some of my written summary was improvised in order to make sense of the story which might not be the interpretation of the writer. There were a lot of elements left to question that doesn't really sit well, for example, why were the children left to fend for themselves after their mother was killed? The narrative completely abandoned them, the oldest child is eight years old, and I don't think they would make it in this run down world on their own. What happened to the other 2 partners that were selected for this mission? The narrative abandoned them too. If Boyd's tech could easily find Ivanovitch DNA signature, why send Kane and Kip to apprehend him? Wouldn't Johnson just send someone more loyal to the cause? Why didn't the Special Unit just take everyone in at the time when they took Kip? Because at that moment none of them, but Boyd, knew of Johnson's true plans, so why would they refuse to give Ivanovitch up when it is there job to bring him in? Why does Ivanovitch have the key? Who is this man? I found myself asking questions like this throughout the entire story. When it comes to structure, I have to assume that the story wasn't outlined because structurally the story wasn't hitting the beats properly, if at all. It was very wishy washy because nothing was happening at crucial signposts of a screenplay, which usually introduces a new dilemma for the protagonist. A dilemma is where a person has a choice between two or more circumstances where the consequences are equal. Damned if you do, damned if you don't type of choices. This story lacked in that department. Also, I got lost in the logistics from time to time, not knowing when the story is on Earth and when on the Moon. Aside from Johnson, all characters can across as passive because I didn't know what they wanted so it made it difficult for me to root for them. It felt like they got on a rollercoast ride, went through the loops and turns, then got off the rollercoast feeling no different; simply because they had no reason to go on the rollercoater in the first place. Also is Kane's name an alias? There's a biblical reference to his name as a Cain and Abel. Thing is, all people are born innocent to the world so I find it hard to believe that his parents name their child after these people, predicting that he would grow up and become a man in conflict with himself. Doesn't make sense to me. Finally dialogue. It lacks subtext from start to finish. The character were just saying what they were thinking and every exchange in conversation came across as unnatural. There's a lot of formatting issues, I don't know what software you use but I would recommend final draft if you can afford the licence or FadeIn which you can write your screenplay for free, only costs when you want to publish out from the software. I know this comes across as extremely objective but I'm sure that's why you've put this story up for review.

It's a good story, very brooding and real. Although, I had to write the synopsis solely from the point of view of Nora because there are structure, execution and dilemma issues that fall short of the mark and I find myself asking questions about certain aspects of the narrative. For example, would Carter really allow Nora to cut her leave short to come back to work on a case that she is, not just personally emotionally involved with, but personally traumatized by? I see that as a big no no unless she can convince him otherwise. What's more, she didn't actually solve the case, Walsh and Carter did, so her presence here seemed quite meaningless. All the character were introduced by physique and like that I didn't get who they are off the page. There was also no real mystery, to your audience, because we meet Vincent very early, we see him kidnap the young woman and see all the bread crumb left behind. So, basically, I'm reading, waiting for the police to catch up so we can get to the good bits at the end of the script. I'd rather find out these clues when the characters do; that's what would make it a mystery. Dialogue is good but your grasp of subtext wanes the further I read, and I feel that some of the exposition is either placed randomly or comes too soon, that it took me out of the moment. Some off the dialogue exchanges didn't feel natural. There are scenes that I just didn't understand, for example, when she jumps in the river after revisiting the yellow shack. I didn't understand the riddles Vincent and Owen were spitting out and the meaning of them in relation to the story. I wasn't really emotionally invested in Officer Walsh when he was killed because I didn't offer much to the relationship side of things. And Lucy was introduced so late on in the script it just shouted out, to me, Officer Walsh is going to get killed off. I put in the logline that Nora wants to make peace with her inner demons, but is that really what she wants? I couldn't get a firm grasp of it which makes her a passive protagonist, simple because the only real emotional dilemma she faced was deciding whether or not to leave the mountains and go back to her hometown, and even that was quite muted. Vincent also came across as passive because I didn't really know why he was doing these terrible things or what he is supposed to accomplish by them. But the ending was good, whilst I was reading I was hoping, please make her relive her trauma, and you did just that... And that was very satisfying.

The story is an interesting idea of moving between dimensions and the future even though I didn't truly understand the technology that was capable of it, I only got the impression of the Binary Drive but didn't get it off the page. This is because the script lacks the show don't tell elements you'd expect from a visual medium. About 75% of the exposition comes across in dialogue and not in pictures, and a lack of subtext surrounding all this exposition makes the scenes difficult to navigate. The stories protagonist, James, comes across as passive, not needing to have to make any tough decisions, especially those decisions out of a dilemma that would traumatise his journey through the story. The Assassin was more active because he had his goal, he knows what he wants to accomplish and James wasn't really providing any obstacles for him to want to strike back at James and attack his weaknesses. Everything fell into James lap easily and conveniently that he was able to coast to the end of the story without facing any emotional peril. When Carly died, I didn't feel like there was any emotional closure with his wife. On a positive note, the set pieces were extremely visual and the writing style has lots of promise. I enjoyed reading the action sequences very much.