Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I really do. Nice with Fernando for our children. Now, neither of us are mean to each other in front or around them. We don't even discuss difficult things around them. All of this is enough on our babies. However, any kindness I show towards him he mistakes for my wanting him back. That is absolutely NOT the case. I let him come to Mylie's party. He then wanted to have dinner together, um...NO! He later texts me how much he wanted to hug me. Sorry, not gonna happen anytime soon buddy. When is it going to sink in? The funny thing is, he blames me! He swears I kicked him out. I should have, five months into our marriage I should have. I'm glad I didn't because I have three amazing blessings because of my tolerance and patience. After Mylie's party he wanted to discuss what he wants out of the divorce. He actually thinks that I should have to pay half of his debt. He's upset that I filed bankruptcy and he hasn't. Even though if he kept a job we wouldn't have had debt to file on. He doesn't consider all the tickets and fines I've paid for him. He ignores the fact that I paid his way through school, or all the times I went to DFACS to apply for assistance. I've had to call churches, salvation army, Community Action for Improvement, friends and family for financial help. He just wouldn't keep a job because he knew that I would bust my tail for my kids. You know, the reason I went to radiology school was just so I could divorce him and still provide for Talise. I didn't see at the time that I could have survived any ways. I am grateful for my survival skills because of him. I now know that I can and will make it. I've got what it takes. I am not a fan of the resentment I feel towards him. When he looked at me and said that I should pay half of his bills I almost came unglued. I had to take a deep breath and remind him of what all he's put me and our kids through. He wants normal visitation. He has no one to supervise him with the kids. The kids really miss him and want to visit with him. I would love for them to have normal visitation, I am just worried that if that happens what if he sleeps rather than watch them? What if he looses his temper as he's been known to do? He says he's been taking his medication which comforts me. I am torn. He wants me to talk to my attorney about it. I just don't know.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Yesterday my sweet little doodle bug turned three. Unbelievable. Also unbelievable is her new personality. Little Miss Doodles isn't so sweet anymore. She has mastered the stink eye and has no problems giving you a what for. Thankfully, between rants and demands she is still quite sweet. She demonstrated her attitude during her party a bit. She had a great time though. She loved getting to have friends over to help celebrate. she looked adorable in her birthday outfit, and I think she knew it! She LOVES her presents. I am so happy she had a great birthday.
My sweet little fella amazes me everyday. He has gone from either sitting or rolling where ever to army crawling like a mad man. He can go from sitting to crawling and back. He's figured out how to open the baby wipe container and the other day I went to get him out of his crib and he had taken off his diaper! Thankfully, it was just urine. He LOVES trucks and trains. He shows a preference for red. He also loves his gloworm and his sister's babies. He actually acts gentle with Mylie's dolls. He'll look sweetly at his gloworm then hug it. Such a sweet little guy.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Lately I have felt great. Even when the kids are showing their tail ~ still blissful. I haven't felt this way in so long I cannot remember. I ended up having to go get a loan yesterday so I could pay the kids insurance premium since someone else refused to. Even though I was disappointed about having to do that as I was driving home I felt such happiness. I don't have to go home to misery any longer. Now I can just ignore the call or hang up! What a huge burden has been lifted. I have so much fun at work now. I am able to let go and be me, who I was before. I no longer have to worry about what my children are dealing with at home. If their caregiver is awake, if they have been fed. I was so worried about being alone that I tolerated so much. Now I cannot understand what I was worried about. I pray this feeling lasts. I am a much better mother, daughter,sister, and friend feeling this way. Ah!

Friday, March 18, 2011

So, apparently since my ex had our divorce moved to a different county the judge rotates through and won't be back until the first week of April to sign off on the papers. Technically, we are still married. Since Fernando knows this he hired ANOTHER attorney to try to get the divorce set aside. Why? CHILD SUPPORT!!! He feels like because I can provide that he shouldn't have to, except maybe $150.00 here and there. I can't even speak to the man without getting a headache. I have been going round and round with him about the children's insurance premium that needs to be paid. I am only asking for half and offered to give him their account numbers and the telephone number and he can pay it himself. NOPE! He thinks if he waits until he comes to town and sees the kids THEN he will give it to me. Trying to bribe me. Also, he gave away his vehicle! How is he supposed to take the kids anywhere or go buy them food. I know his family isn't going to want to haul them all around everywhere and I don't blame them. Not the brightest idea. Every time he calls or texts he HAS to call me baby, honey or some other lovey term. It drives me insane and he knows it. The other night Talise was talking to him on the phone and I heard her say "Because she pays for everything, food, electricity, our house...you know you are still our dad and you should buy us things too!" I was proud of her. Later I asked her why she said that and it was because she asked for some summer clothes and he asked her why I couldn't buy them. I supported him for three years, the rest of our marriage he barely held a job and now this!
More drama...Wednesday Talise didn't get off the school bus. Just as I was about to call the school because I was freaking out, Talise's friends mom called. She had Talise. Apparently Talise forged my signature on a note saying that she was to ride home with her friend. She told the schools secretary that I was at the dentist and no one would be home. So, even though her friends mom did not send a not they let her go with her friend anyways. NOT HAPPY. Talise didn't see what the big deal was. I called the school and explained what she had done. For now on I will write and sign all notes in a specific color ink AND call the school anytime Talise is to ride home differently. She is 10! TEN! I panic at the thought of her at 16. Her father thought it was funny. I'm still angry.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Oh my goodness. I feel so terribly bad for these people. I cannot wrap my brain around it. I think because I am almost completely opposite. I don't hold on to much. If I don't use it I toss it. Not only can I not imagine keeping so much stuff but how in the world do they afford it. How do they even know what they have? These places look like landfills! What fear they must have to hold onto so many things just in case. What a tremendous burden. Seeing a lot of clutter makes me antsy. Just having items sat on my mantel that doesn't belong there or my kids clothes left on the floor gets to me. Living amongst piles of things, boxes everywhere, just a narrow walking path from room to room is unimaginable to me. How do they rest? That would severely limit their social life I would assume. How can you invite guests over to that? Companionship is so important. Face time is important. Well, at least to me it is. I can't speak for everyone. I truly feel pity for hoarders.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I have been having such a good time enjoying life lately. Even this weekend past at work. We were incredibly busy but I still had a great time cutting up with my co-workers. I am amazingly blessed at work. Love it! I can not express that enough. Of course being mostly women we can have our moments but we are quick to talk it out and move on. So Blessed! I must admit I am a little disappointed that a member of our crew is moving on and up hopefully.Though I am happy that they have a new opportunity they will be missed as they bring so much light and playfulness to the group. I have taken the initiative to go ahead and try to recruit one of my favorites from another crew though. Keeping my fingers crossed. I've had fun since I've been home also. Me and the girls (and handsome fella) have been riding with the windows down and the radio up singing and dancing as we ride. We played outside then came in to watch a television program together. It was a good day yesterday. So far today is going wonderfully. I have been really feeling Rihanna's music lately so Mylie, Bronson, and I have danced it out this morning! They laughed so much Mylie had to take a break to recover! I am a happy girl!

Monday, March 7, 2011

I feel as though a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A burden left behind. What a relief. Although it was a bit scary at first, I already feel like such a different mom. I was under so much stress I got so easily angered and yelled a lot. I don't now. I would be so tense that I ignored some behaviors that I should have corrected, now I don't. My girls seem happier, although they miss their father terribly. I truly do wish things could have worked out, but their was just too much negative for that to happen. So, now we move on. I look forward to the future. I have come to realize just how many people care about me and it feels great. My relationship with my mother has improved vastly, that means the world to me. Things are going to be fine. Better than fine, wonderful. I look forward to letting life unravel.

Friday, March 4, 2011

1. The phrase or punctuation I overuse most is "a bit" Nearly everything in quantity is a bit. Ex: in a bit, a bit of, just a bit.I should expand my vocabulary a bit!

2. Today I am thankful for my freedom in every sense of the word. It is an unbelievable feeling to be truly free.

3. My best friend is my mom. She is strong, protective and fun. She can be difficult at times, but who isn't? She is my #1 cheerleader and I cannot imagine my life without her. Our relationship has come a long way, and for that I am grateful.

4. A quirky thing about me is I cannot stand to have dirty feet. I don't like to get dirty in general, but dirty feet really irk me. Feet are ugly enough without adding to it and the feeling of funk on the bottom of my feet, eww. I worry about being in an accident and the rescue/ER folks having to remove my clothes and shoes. Not only would I have on clean underwear, but clean feet too!

5. This weekend I am hanging out with friends, while working! At least my co-workers are awesome. i love my job and really don't mind going in every weekend. Sometimes they seem to drag on forever, but at least I'm in the trenches with great people.

6. Something that worries me is my children's safety. My safety. My mom, her health. Finances. Losing my job, the list goes on. I know it is fruitless to worry, but I just cannot help it.

7. On my night stand you would find...the clothes I plan to wear the next day and Bronson's extra blankets. The nightstands are at the foot of the bed so Bronson's crib would beside the bed. I gotta have that sweet little fella close by. I couldn't sleep with him any farther away than he is now.

That's it! My Q&A or fill in the blanks, whatever you want to call it.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

2. Today I am grateful because, even though my mom hates the drive, and her live in makes it difficult on her, she is on her way down to watch my babies so I can go to court tomorrow. Hopefully all will be finalized. Prayers are welcomed.

3. The age I am is 33 and the age I feel is 27. I feel like an adult, but not a thirty-something adult. I feel like I am still finding my way in the world. I like where I'm at and where I seem to be going so all is well!

4. My favorite place is my bed. It is soft, I have heavy blankets so I can get all squishy feeling. So relaxing, especially when their aren't any kids in the bed with me.

5. Something I have been procrastinating is doing my continuing education. It is so boring and time consuming, but I need to get cracking. September will be here before we know it.

6. The last thing I purchased was birthday invitations. My sweet Myliebel turns three this month. We are having her first party with friends and she is excited.

7. The thing I love most about my home is it's where my babies are. It's filled with love and memories. It's cute and quiet and perfect for my little family.