sometimes I start thinking “jesus christ, fandom, shut the fuck up about Bucky Barnes, I don’t care about Bucky Barnes, I care about Steve Rogers nobly getting punched in the face,” except that is not true

I give not one single fuck about shippy domestic curtainfic or Bucky Barnes the sad, helpless, traumatized woobie who must be cared for at all times and never leaves Steve’s apartment

I give a lot of fucks about Bucky Barnes, ex-Winter Soldier, freelance fucker-up of bad guys’ shit, semi-feral solitary paranoiac, trying to re-learn this whole “being a person” thing while in survival mode as a notorious international fugitive, haunted by the things he’s done and groping in the dark towards some kind of redemption

like, don’t get me wrong, the dude is traumatized to hell and back, but what I’m invested in is the version where his primal instinct after seventy years under Hydra’s thumb is: don’t depend on anybody, don’t let anybody control you, fight tooth and nail to be competent and self-sufficient and unassailable, figure it out on your own terms, and never ever let any son of a bitch manipulate you ever again

Summary: You work alone. You live alone. You are alone. And you liked it that way, or did you? A planned, yet potentially reckless decision, changes your life forever. A story about a funny, loving, yet guarded woman, learning about friendship, love and forgiveness.

*Containment Module: made from polytechnic materials by Fitz and Simmons in Agents of Shield. It’s used to contain enhanced individuals

*Tony’s nickname for you is a reference to the movie of the same name

*I.C.E.R: if you haven’t watched Agents of Shield it was made by Fitz and Simmons. It stands for Incapacitating Cartridge Emitting Railgun used to tranquilize instead of kill.

“I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we’re all teachers – if we’re willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door.”

You looked into his eyes, tears nearly
spilling over. “But really and truly, I am so ridiculously in love with you.”

Bucky looked right
back at you but he didn’t say anything. Instead he released his hands from
yours and took a step backwards. You could feel your stomach drop and your
mouth had suddenly become overwhelmingly dry. He was rubbing the back of his
neck, “Y/N…” he started and you mentally braced yourself for what might come next.
You hadn’t even realised you were crying. “Y/N…,” Bucky began again, “I…I can’t
do this anymore.” His face was full of pain; it hurt him as much as it hurt
you. He wanted to tell you how he felt but he had to do what he thought was
right.

You felt your heart
break into a million pieces and scatter all over the floor. But what else did
you expect, what with the way you treated him? You were wiping your tears away
with your sleeves. You really didn’t want to cry in front of him, but they just
wouldn’t stop falling.

Bucky hated seeing
you like this and it secretly broke him inside. He started to speak again, “I’ve
had too many people pull out my mind and mess it up. I can’t go through that
again…” The tears were falling freely down your face and you objected, “But…
but I don’t want to mess with-“ “Please let me finish,” Bucky interrupted, “we
can’t… this can’t… us, we can’t happen.” You suddenly felt like you were
gasping for air but you tried to pretend that you were okay. “I know you’ve had
a difficult life, but I don’t deserve to be treated the way you treated me…”
Bucky added. He was damn right. You had been so mean, regardless whether
you meant to or not.

Bucky was trying to
fight back tears, he didn’t want to make this harder than it already was. “I’m
just getting my head back together, trying to settle back into life, trying to
move on from my past… and…I…I just can’t do that with you messing with my
feelings,” he explained and you could hear the pain in his voice.

You didn’t know what to say. You thought you deserved every bit of this
pain. It was too late to apologize. You had waited too long. You had lost him. Could this
even be happening? Would you have to live with this for the rest of your life?
You loved him so, so much, that you felt like your heart would explode, but the
last thing you wanted was to cause him anymore pain. You didn’t want to add to
his distress - he had been through enough - you just wanted him to be at peace.
He deserved that at the least.

Your mind was
spinning, with all the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ and ‘hows’. You didn’t
want to lose him completely. “Can…can we still be friends?” You managed to say
between the tears.

A little smile
appeared on his face, “In time, of course.” He didn’t want to lose you, just as
much as you didn’t want to lose him. No matter how much you hated it, you had
to respect his decision. Who were you to question that after everything?

Looking in to his
eyes, noticing his tears nearly spilling over, you realised what love truly
meant; love was selfless, it was walking through fire for that person, it was
respecting their choices and sticking by them no matter what. You had never
felt this way about anybody before, but here you were: Bucky had your heart,
whether he took it or not.

You smiled back at
him and through your tears, you whispered, “I understand Bucky and I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. And
I’m sorry that you’re crying. I didn’t want to make you cry…” he said.

“What? These?” You
pointed to your tears, “These aren’t tears! My eyes are just… leaking. I should
probably get that seen by a doctor,” and you both laughed through the hurt. Of
course, you would make a joke at a time like this. You both stood there and
smiled and then you went to leave. “Goodnight, Bucky,” you said to him with a
smile. “Goodnight, Y/N,” and he placed a kiss on your forehead.

*If you want to cry some more, there’s a song here for you too…. :’(

—

It had been a six
weeks since that conversation with Bucky, and though it had taken a couple of
weeks for the dust to settle, you two were now comfortable around each other
again. Your wit came back and you made him laugh, like you used to. He started
to like fighting alongside you again. The most important thing to come from it
though, was that he seemed at peace and that is all you could ever ask for. He
seemed that he was getting his life back together after Steve found him. When
you met him, he was still that dark man hiding in the shadows and out to get
you. But now, you saw how at home he was with himself and despite everything
you two had been through, that would be more than enough for you.

The day of the next
mission had come and it was time to gear up. Zipping up your suit, you felt the
adrenaline starting to rise in your body; you still loved a good fight. With
another quick briefing, you all headed to the jet. You had laughed with Bucky
and Wanda on the way there; the three of you had placed a bet to see how long
it would take Steve to say “language” to someone cursing. Steve had looked back
at you with suspicious eyes, wondering what you guys were planning, but he had
a smile on his face; he was happy to see you and Bucky getting along again. And
you were both happy with it too. Your feelings were still as strong as they
were when you told him that you loved him, but having Bucky in your life in
any way was more important. Besides, you, Bucky and Wanda had formed a great
friendship with each other.

Natasha and Clint landed the jet, and with one last check that your
comms were working, you all stepped out. The other teams were arriving and
Steve gave them a nod. Approaching the base, you and The Avengers stormed the
building. Once inside, it was far too quiet for your liking. The building was
damp and dreary and you could hear the sound of water pipes dripping. Splitting
up, you and Clint took the third corridor and the rest of the team took the
other corridors. Clint had his bow and arrow at the ready and you were armed
with your I.C.E.R. Turning the corner, two hostiles appeared and started
shooting at you both. “Shit my I.C.E.R’s jammed”, you cursed so you used your
powers to move the bullets out of your direction, whilst Clint shot them with
some arrows. “Fuck, my trusty I.C.E.R failed me for the first time in my life!”
“LANGUAGE,” everyone heard
Steve say over the comms. “I knew it! I win! Steve you just made me 50
bucks,” you laughed and you did a little dance, as you could hear several of
the team chuckling through the comms.

“Okay. Funny guys.
Haha,” Steve said over the comms, with a smile on his face. “Corridors are
clear here, but they certainly know we’re here,” he continued. You all met back
up in another room at the end of the halls and that was empty too. “Right,
let’s move up to the second floor and—“ but before Steve could finish, nearly a
dozen hostiles came charging into the room, armed and ready to shoot. In
position, Thor threw his hammer at several of them, before Mjolnir returned
back to him. Clint was shooting arrows through the air, hitting several
hostiles in the legs, whilst Natasha was effortlessly fighting with some of
them, using her wrist blasters to stun them in the process. Tony was up high
and Wanda was using her red energy to pick up some hostiles and make them crash
to the ground. You had iced quite a lot too, using your powers alongside your
weapon.

You glimpsed to
your left and saw the way Bucky moved when he fought; it was effortless, as his
strong body knocked down several hostiles. You looked away, but from the
corner of your eye, you saw a man pull the trigger on his gun, with the bullet
heading straight for Bucky’s head.

“NO,” you screamed and as if everything
was in slow motion, you put your hand out in front of Bucky. A shield of fiery
light rose up in front of him and the bullets from the hostile’s gun hit the
light and disintegrated. You hadn’t planned it, but the shield you had vowed
never to use again, had protected him. Bucky had immediately covered his face
with his metal arm, upon seeing the man pull the trigger, but felt no impact of
the bullets. He looked up and saw your hand outstretched towards him, holding
up the shield.

You looked back at
him and knowing he was safe, you removed your hand and the shield went down.
You turned to the man, with your faced screwed up with anger. Your eyes lit up
like fire and you reached out your arm, walking towards him, as if possessed.
You raised your hand and his feet started to lift off of the ground. He started
grabbing onto his neck, as he felt the force of your powers tighten. It was as
if your hand was wrapped around his throat. He was in the air, choking and
struggling for breath. This man would never get to your Bucky. You stood there,
with your arm raised, fire in your eyes, with a smirk on your face and then you
slammed him onto the floor. Bucky ran towards you and another two hostiles came
hurtling towards you both. Bucky took on one and you took on the other. You two
were so in sync with each other, to an outsider, it would seem like you had
been working together for years.

With one final
punch from Bucky’s metal arm, the hostile went flying and then you gave one
last kick to the man you were fighting, and he fell to the ground. The
Avengers had taken out the rest of the hostiles in the room and once you had
stopped, the fire started to fade from your eyes. As you turned around to make
sure everyone was okay, the team just stood there, mouths agape, just staring,
with Bucky at your side.

“What guys? Okay, I
know you haven’t seen that before because I don’t use the shield anymore.
Nothing special, okay? I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t ask. Kapeesh?”
you warned them.

“Y/N, don’t move,”
demanded Steve. You suddenly felt a pain and looked down. In your
stomach, you could make out the handle of a knife, sticking out of your body.
“Oh… well that doesn’t look good!” you joked. Without thinking, you went to tug
out the knife and the whole team shouted, “No, Y/N,” but it was too late.
Having pulled out the knife, blood started pouring out of the wound. You looked
back up at the team. “Ok, guys, I really don’t know why I did that,” you said
as your knees buckled and Bucky caught your head before it hit the ground.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y tell
headquarters to prep surgery,” Tony spoke, panicked, through the ear piece.
Bucky put his hand on the wound to add pressure but the blood wasn’t stopping.
“Seriously guys, I’m fine! It’s just a little cut!” you tried to say. Steve ran
over, “Buck, go and get the first aid set up in the jet and Natasha get the jet
started. I’ll be right behind you. Tony, you got us covered?” “Yep, I’m on it.”
Bucky and Natasha followed Steve’s instructions, with the others providing
cover. Steve picked you up and ran, carrying you in his arms.

Back at the jet,
Bucky was in the pilot seat with Natasha. Bucky was covered in your blood and
he wanted to come back there with you, but he needed to get this jet out of here and
fast. Wanda made it to the jet and she bent down to you, fear in her eyes. “Can
you stop looking at me like that? You’re being a weirdo,” you laughed to her.
“Y/N, you’ve just been stabbed and you’re still making jokes!” and she took your
hand. You tried to keep your spirits up, reassure the team that you were okay
but you suddenly coughed up some blood. Wanda wiped it away with some muslin
bandages she found in the first aid kit. The panic was rising in Bucky’s throat
as he turned to look back at you, but he tried to stay focused. Your skin was
turning pale and even though the entire team was panicking around you, you
weren’t scared. You just looked up at the ceiling, not even feeling the pain
from the knife anymore. Maybe you would see your parents again and with that,
you closed your eyes and smiled.

A/N: Last chapter coming tomorrow! Stay tuned! I can’t wait to share it with you :D

Warnings: swearing, nothing else I think so but if you found something please tell me

Words: 2171

Y/N’s POV

With discomfort you followed the man. He walked to the door and punched against it so that someone could opened it from the outside. He stood in the door frame and turned around to you. He smiled at you and you felt sick again.

“Come on. Follow me. You wanted to know where you are? I will show it to you and something else.”