My purpose in writing these posts is to share my experience with you and also to inspire you to get help if you have suffered long-term abuse and have the condition known as Complex PTSD. My intent is to help and not to harm. If you are triggered by anything you read on my site, please call a mental health professional.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Part III: An Amazing Set of Twins Who Really Isn't a Twin

Dear Reader,Before I begin this next installment in my description of my journey through Ego State Therapy, I want to give you this web address: http://www.shirleyjeanschmidt.com/doc/db-prep.pdf I don't know why I have not found it before this, but now I have found it, and that's what counts. If you read this article, you will understand how and why I have benefitted from Ego State Therapy. Just as the woman in the case study, I managed to dramatically reduce my PTSD symptoms after working for two years with my ego states. Also, like the woman in the case study, I was able to locate the unconditionally loving ego state within me and enlist that ego state's help in reducing the conflicts among my other ego states and bringing about peace. I did my work on my own while in a light trance state and wrote about the process in dialogue form. The ego state I refer to in the title of this post is the part of me that enabled me to do this work!In the previous installment, I described my introduction to Cowboy, one of the first ego states I met. Slowly, some of my other ego states drifted to the arena in Jasper Canyon, and I became acquainted with them. Upon settling into the arena, each ego state had to interact with the other ego states in some way, and in the process of doing this, the role of each ego state was clearly defined--usually! There was one ego state, however, that arrived at the arena in one form and, given loving care, gradually morphed into a different form. Poor, old Nothingness was truly "nothing" when Cowboy and a few of my other ego states encountered him/her--for simplicity's sake, I'll use the masculine singular pronoun from this point on. Nothingness' story begins the day Cowboy and First Protector, the nanny who tended the very young ego states lodged in a nursery off the arena's kitchen, ventured out to give the little ones some fresh air and sunshine. The little ones, being little, had their choice of riding in the big red wagon Cowboy pulled or walking along the trail on the banks of Jasper Creek. As they walked, they chattered and sang and skipped and hopped--all under the watchful eye of First Protector, of course. Cowboy and the wagon led the procession, Cowboy being vigilant, making sure that no danger approached the little party. Suddenly, the procession and all the chatter stopped, for there, lying completely across the trail ahead of Cowboy, was a huge gelatinous blob. I can't say that the blob was formless, but it was as close to being formless as it could be. I also can't say that it was colorless, but being a nondescript grayish shade, it was as close to being colorless as it could be. Although Cowboy's first inclination was to kick the mass and shove it to the side of the trail, she hesitated to do that. In the first place, she realized that the mass was possibly immovable due to its lack of form and its size. In the second place, Cowboy, ever curious, noticed while peering closely at the mass that beneath its translucent covering there flickered tiny pink lights. A sign of life? Yes, decided Cowboy, perhaps a sign of life. So what to do?? After putting their heads together, Cowboy, First Protector, and all the little ones decided that the only thing to do was to somehow transport the blob to the arena. As First Protector contended, "This blob is here for a reason, and the only reason I can see is that he was trying to reach the arena and just couldn't quite make it. It's up to us to help him." Having said that, she and Cowboy, with the help of all the little ones, managed to pull the side rails from the wagon, gently ease the gelatinous mass onto them, and slide the blob onto the wagon floor so he could be safely transported to the arena. Once the mass reached the arena, he was housed in a special stall where he could be cared for tenderly. After careful examination of his outer membrane, the parts at the arena realized that the poor creature was so dried out that he needed constant moisture available to him if he was to survive. Cowboy, always quick to invent devices to serve special purposes, designed a misting system to keep the blob's membrane continuously hydrated, and some of the other parts formulated a special ointment that they gently rubbed over the entire membrane of this newcomer. Also, so the new arrival would feel at home, one of the parts decided upon a name, Nothingness, for the creature--with the thought that if this mass changed and grew and became a Something, then the name would be changed. Thanks to tender, regular care, the appreciation of all his new friends, and the safety of his new home, Nothingness lived and changed. Each day he grew a little pinker and a bit more inclined to define his shape. Slowly Nothingness became a Something. And one day the folks at the arena saw him for what he truly had become--a handsome and wise old land turtle, filled with the wisdom of ages and able to impart his knowledge of life to all ego states.

If you have puzzled over the title of this installment, I don't blame you. Initially, the wise old land turtle, after revealing his amazing powers of imagination and intuition, was renamed Gemini, the Twins, because within him appeared to reside two entities, one capable of great imaginative powers and the other capable of great intuitive powers. Eventually, though, these seemingly semi-separate entities appeared to join and become almost one single entity. They never completely integrated, however, so Gemini still carries within him my powers of imagination and intuition, not completely separate, on the one hand, but not completely one and the same, on the other hand. He doesn't seem to mind, nor do I. So what does this story mean, really? And how is it related to my healing? First off, I have retold the story of Gemini here in narrative prose. In my Ego State Therapy writing, the story was told in dialogue or conversation format, revealing the interactions among the various ego states. Unfortunately, I can't find my original dialogue work on my present computer. Luckily, my therapist has the printed text, so it isn't lost. My healing has occurred as I have written the dialogue because in interacting with one another in the dialogue, my ego states have ironed out their differences and have learned to accept one another and live in harmony. At times, when conflicts among ego states were not resolved by the ego states themselves, Light, the channel of the Universe's unconditional love, offered her assistance. Eventually, all my ego states were working together to bring peace to my psyche. Now, when I begin to feel psychic discomfort or distress, I go back to the arena, the place where my ego states dwell, and we once again work together to resolve whatever issue is causing discord. If you have read the article I cited at the beginning of this post and then read this post, you may have been able to get a glimpse into how this therapy modality works. It's not easy to demonstrate the inner workings of the human psyche, but I have tried here to do that. Next Post: Conclusion--Sweet Little Blossom Comes Home

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Regarding my EMDR posts:

My reason for posting reports as I go through EMDR treatments is to demystify the process. For me, EMDR seems to do what it is said to do--it "defuses" the emotional distress surrounding old trauma material and helps me see new possibilities. I can remember the events, but they do not now distress me as much as they used to. The preparation work I have done, and am still doing, in Ego State Therapy has helped a lot to control my PTSD symptoms and to make my life much more enjoyable. I am now, at the age of 74, beginning to see that I have a future, a future life that I really want.

Before getting help this time, I was at the point of not wanting to leave my apartment because it seemed that when I was "out in the world," I was being constantly triggered and having flashbacks and other debilitating PTSD symptoms. But I'm a fighter, and I decided to get help. Why let the abusers of my past have so much power over me in the present and future?

If you are willing to do the work, you, too, can have a brighter present and future. With careful research, you can find a competent and compassionate therapist who will help you heal from past abuse. It's worth the work! If finances are a problem, please read the post listed under "Financing Therapy" in my topics list. It may give you some ideas as to where to look for funding. Don't give up! As the Brits said during WWII, "Keep calm and carry on!"

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You Are Never Too Old to Heal

Jean Fairgrieve, Age 73

For More Information . . .

To contact me directly, send a message to jeanfairgrieve15@gmail.com. For more information about the earlier portion of my therapy and how I have reduced my PTSD symptoms without the use of medication, please see my previous Google blog: http://relievingptsdsymptoms.blogspot.com/ Also, I have a WordPress blog that no longer is accessible to me but that contains more recent posts than those on the blog mentioned above: http://relievingptsdsymptoms.wordpress.com/ In addition, I have a website that contains some more general information, tells my story, and has information about Ego State Therapy and abuse in general: www.jfairgrieve.com. My website also contains links to reliable articles on the topic of PTSD and therapy. I am not a mental health professional; I'm just a writer who is trying at age 73 to heal my C-PTSD. Blessings and peace to you . . .

About Me

I am a retired community college writing instructor. For the past thirty years I have worked at finding help to heal my C-PTSD. I credit my very first therapist (1980) with helping me find the will to heal, and I credit my present therapist with helping me stay with the process. To see my articles posted on my old Google blog, Google "Relieving PTSD Symptoms."(relieving ptsd symptoms.blogspot.com)