just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Secret Shame Continued

Pleasure replacing pain. I cannot emphasize that enough as to what the grip of porno is in all its forms upon those, both men and women, whom it affects deeply. I went on moral probation at seminary and went to a counselor. He was a good man, I have had years of keeping my emotions tightly wrapped when it came to opening up in ways that would cause me to feel and dive into my pain. I did enjoy the time with him though. I was hired at a group home for troubled kids a year later. I found it a challenge,especially since I had to work with a much older lady as my partner and whenever the kids got too agressive, which was often, i had to restrain them, because she could not. These kids had multiple issues they dealt with and we had around 12 to 15 all the time. Needless to say it was often stressful. I felt those old insecurities build inside overtime, of not measuring up to what i should be, and sure enough once again I turned to my drug of choice, the telephone and made those calls again. The phone bill showed up, I had to resign, well actually i was fired.

The main supervisor who told me i was fired came to where i had been living while working there and he had what to me was a very odd demeanor towards me. He asked me if i planned to hurt myself in anyway. I assured hiom I was not. He said he had once struggled with similar issues and it made him feel like nothing mattered anymore. He told me those who needed therapy should not *do* therapy, smiling the whole time he was talking. I had the feeling he really didn't see me as a person but someone he needed to remove as a problem to him and the home. Before i left i went around to say my goodbyes to the other staff members. They all treated me like i was a black sheep and just pretty much kept their head down, obviously showing great disappointment at what i had done.

I was paid very well there and had few options now as to finding work. I was in cental illinois in 1988 and the job market was slim there. I decided to leave school and move ack home with my mom. I had to face the shame of calling my mom and telling her what had happened. I didnt tell many of my fellow semiarians why i was leaving, I was scared of the response I would get, seeing what had happened with the faculty and the people at the group home. My dream of becoming a pastor/counselor had basically gone up in smoke, and I did all to myself.

Sex is far more than the coming together of bodies and exchanging fluids. Real sex takes place in the mind, way before bodies get involved. Sex is a huge aspect of our beings. No wonder God seeks to protect us as much as He does with His boundaries He places around us where it is concerned. Sex involves a whole lot more than just procreating. It is the purest expression of our giving our self to another person with all our emotions and thoughts, a genuine expression of love. Genuine intimacy gets very distorted so often in our lives for many reasons. Emotional longing can become like a deep black hole that does not get filled, even when we have real loving relationships, if we have had wounds that were not dealt with and allowed to fester.

For me, because of my feelings of being unattractive, rejected by females and lacking emotional wellbeing, I sought to make up the deficit through the fantasy of porn. Porn is way more than a video or magazine in my context. It is the false reality of sex as a playground where you recieve nonstop pleasure and all your needs are met by either willing women or men who accept you without question and cater to your every wish want and desire. The deeper your pain and desire to escape it, the tighter the clutches of porns pull becomes. It becomes worse when possibility of it being uncovered happens, because deep inside is the realization this is not real or right. But it works so well to remove the pain and create the mirage that you want to avoid it being taken away at all costs. Those costs, very sadly, are often close family and friends, spouses, work and careers.

I have decided to hit upon my story here openly as a way to be used to minister to anyone who is caught in a similar struggle or who is battling shame guilt and despondency over what happened in their life. i sometimes sit back and wonder in confusion as to how I got to the place I did concerning all this. I can only say the heart has a way of rationalizing and maneuvering in ways to justify almost anything when deep desire and escape from pain is involved. I hope and pray my sharing is a good thing that will be used by God in anyway He sees fit. I will have more to follow. Thank you everyone who reads, comments, prays and just sends your well wishes!!!

8 Comments:

First I'll say that your sharing is indeed a very good thing. Very good. You are absolutely right that there are many, MANY people out there who secretly battle against (or embrace) an addiction to pornography, completely unbeknownst to those around them.

I was one of those people.

I feel especially encouraged by these two posts, because lately I've been feeling like God is calling me to share more about this part of my past, and to just let go and let my testimony be out there, as you have done. You described the taboos and akwardness that surround this kind of sin very well, there is definately an atmosphere within the church at large that will recognize that it is "out there", but really no one wants to talk about it. Not in personal, real terms anyway.

I think God has used your post here to confirm that I need to just go for it, and just do a post of my own sharing about the bondage I was in, and how He finally set me free. Thank you.

wow!!!! Brotherm thank you so much and God bless you for sharing here!!! You have given me me genuine encouragement and to know it is a good thing my sharing. I know there are LOTS of other men and women like you and me who may be stuck in secret hidden shame and pain. I pray God loosens the floodgatrs so genuine healing and sharing can overcome the secrecy and stigma that has hung around our necks like an albatross!!! Thank you daniel!!!

Beautifully written Robert. You have a way of bearing your heart and soul with honesty and dignity. I hope it does help people to read your story.

I'm so sorry that you were ever in a position where you felt so emotionally unfulfilled and rejected that this was your only option. I don't say this because I judge you, in my opinion there are far worse ways you could have fulfilled those needs, but I am sorry for the consdequences of your actions.