#FakeNews From The AFA Annual Meeting

The Association for Fraternity/Sorority Advisers (AFA) Annual Meeting has come to a close, and much of what was expected took place over the weekend. Here’s some (fake) highlights (based in reality).

Daily Visits to BrainyQuote.com Double During Meeting.

Throughout the meeting, BrainyQuote.com noted a 103% uptick in visits from the Atlanta Area, as attendees leading one of dozens of educational sessions scurried for last minute quotes to strategically place throughout their PowerPoint Presentations (Keynote for the “extra” people).

All in all, it was a successful weekend for BrainyQuote.com, as well as for AFA-related internet traffic, though nothing may compare to the high school dance which plagued the Indianapolis meeting’s award banquet in 2012. That led to record-breaking tweets from the AFA crowd. (Edit: The Business Meeting may have indeed beaten out the thumping base from 2012 in terms of twitter mentions).

“Why are they even here?” asked one noticeably agitated attendee, “this meeting is not for them!”

For years, a debate has raged as to whether lowly fraternity staff belong to the “not actually theirs” AFA or the “also not technically theirs” Fraternity Executives Association (FEA). That, combined with an uptick in chapter closings due to the ridiculousness of American humans has led to fraternities looking to cut down on costs – but also the emotional battering their teams receive during Fireside Chats.

Rumors began circulating that the Beta Theta Pi robot would distribute scholarships, while Delta Sigma Phi is reportedly requiring attendees to log in to The LAMP, an online tool used for educating and communicating with members and friends of the Fraternity, for use of their HR-900 kiosk deployment.

“I don’t want them here, but the news of these kiosks annoys me too. How will you show your support if you don’t send 12+ staff members?” repeated the same somehow-always-cynical attendee mentioned above (who chose to remain anonymous).

Several kiosks are reportedly being repurposed from Alamo rental car stations for Farmhouse, though it’s presently unknown if the underlying software will be changed. This reporter can only hope so, as Alamo has the worst kiosk software in the industry hands-down.

Educational Session Highlights Public Misperceptions About Fraternity/Sorority World

A session provided by Dyad revealed the results of a longitudinal study of public perceptions of the fraternity/sorority community. The study followed 133 adults over 15 years, and is being heralded as one of the most influential studies to be presented at AFA in decades.

More than 92% of respondents at the start of the study recalled that fraternities and sororities were in some form or fashion managed by national entities or college campuses. That number has dramatically shifted in recent years, and those same humans in 2017 seem to believe that fraternity and sorority chapters operate in some self-governing Peter Pan world of marauding pirate children.

Tracy Martel did not show up to the meeting, much to the disappointment of many of its attendees.

C-List Drag Queen Roams AFA

Despite the growing population of AFA attendees who partake in a certain secret society appealing to what is apparently most of the attendees, the demands for an appearance by notable drag queen Tracy Martel were squandered when a relatively unknown queen attended several AFA receptions.

No word on how many queens will show up at the 2018 meeting and whether this occurrence was random or part of some sort of “gay agenda.” When asked, an attendee who wished to be referred to as “just a SigEp” said, “Kennedy Davenport for 2018 or bust,” then proceeded to jump from the top floor of the Marriott and land in a perfect split in the bar. It turns out the attendee was not a SigEp at all, but Kennedy Davenport shamelessly promoting for All Stars 3, a television program.

A group of students who caught wind of the annual meeting staged a malicious protest outside of the Marriott in Atlanta after conducting a street art campaign within the hotel on the first evening of the conference.

Sticky, paper-like posters were plastered all over the bars and vendor area featuring black and white imagery of wrist bands, drink tickets, and fraternity/sorority alcohol policies. Over subsequent days, the students staged a hunger strike, but attendees were too distracted by the roaming drag queen and nearby sushi joints to notice.

“I doubt they really learn anything,” said one protester. “They just come here and drink.”

The protester refused to accept reality when I showed him a series of tweets indicating that, yes, things are actually learned at the AFA Annual Meeting and it is not as wild as it is perceived.

That’s it for Fake News from this AFA! This post has been updated once or twice – Thanks for reading!