Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Hello, my lovely ladies and gentlemen, and everything in between! How are you? I'm already done with the holidays, and the biggest one is yet to come. Perhaps Señor Zanza will see fit to finance a holiday meal on Christmas. If not, then I'm making some totally unrelated foods. I'll call it my melting pot meal. If you don't like it, move on. There will be millions of turkeys being cooked. And millions of hams. Hmm. Maybe I'll make roast beef for Christmas...

We've just had a blast of pleasant weather, but "they" say a temperature drop starts tonight. We should see more rain and even some snow in the next couple of weeks. "They" get paid, whether right or wrong. I wish I had a job like that, where you get paid even if you're batting below 500. Plus all the perquisites. However, it's wrong to envy. I started in childhood and never really stopped. I've prayed over this thousands of time. Still no results.

Here's the latest standings in the Irregular Football League:

How did I end up in 2nd to last place? What kind of witchery is this? I'll have a talk with my team and suggest that they try harder. If not, heads will roll, literally.Hurray! The Green Bay Packers won one. They defeated he Philadelphia Eagles, but they're still 5-6. Beat the Houston Texans this Sunday, December 4, at noon, and their record will be tied. You can do it, guys! There's only five games left in the regular season. Head for victory. Blow by the Texans. Onward, forward, and mush! Show them the back of your hands and the heel of your boots. Give 'em hell!The holiday season has already taxed me out. It wouldn't be bad if everyone believed in the Christmas Spirit. But most people are in a rush to do holiday shopping, decorating, cooking, etc. The only time I see the Christmas Spirit is when a family gathers for the holiday meal. Otherwise, most of us are far too busy to even think of the Christmas Spirit. We're a nation of liars, playing all that music and singing/talking about tradition and love when our only intention is to get through the mess as soon as possible. That's the difference between Christmas and Xmas. I hope you enjoy the season whatever your intentions are. It appears that Mr. President-Elect Donald Trump has toned down his rhetoric and is acting much more responsibly than he did during the presidential campaign. I don't know if that was his plan all along: appeal to the baser instincts of the electorate to get elected, but then doing the job much more responsibly. I hope so. Our nation needs to heal. Otherwise, I fear for our future.Locally, Mr. Mayor Lying John continues to waste precious tax dollars on pie-in-the-sky real estate schemes. He has lent out millions of our dollars to his cronies with nothing to show for it. Taxpayers are repeatedly raped in Racine. Until we stand up to the corruption in city government, it will just continue. So far, it appears that nothing will be done about it. Mr. Mayor Lying John will never be brought to justice. It's so depressing.Don't let my bad mood infect you. Enjoy the holidays. Why? Because I love you. I love all of my readers and wish you the best for the holidays.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen,
it’s now December and once again time to fling the doors open to Art’s Ba-ding!
Boutique for those of you’s struck dumb by your Christmas shopping monetary
obligations.
ABB is the shop that answers this
question: Why
not give everyone on your goddamn list the gift of laughter ’cause it’s a gift
that won’t cost you a focking dime? You can then use those savings on a big ol’
bottle of holiday cheer all for yourself and drown your seasonal depression
like a bag of cats over the bridge.

What
follows are a couple, three items that may interest you. Feel free to stroll
around the page and choose whatever catches your eye.

[holiday icon]

Three ministers and their wives, Presbyterian, Southern Baptist and
Methodist, are on a cruise. They all come down with severe food poisoning and
croak. The next thing they know, they’re standing before St. Peter at the
gates.

First in line is the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shakes his
head and says, “Sorry, can’t let you in. Yes, you were moral and upright, but
you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named
Penny.” St. Peter waves his hand, and bingo! Down the chute to Hell they go.

Second is the Southern Baptist couple.
St. Peter says, “Sad to say, can’t let you in either. Sure, you abstained from
liquor, dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much,
you even married a woman named Candy!” St. Pete waves again, and boom! Down the
chute go the Southern Baptists.

So
this guy wakes up from surgery for a prostate this-or-that. Doctor enters the
room to give the guy the report. Doctor says, “Well sir, I’ve got good news,
and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that we were able to save your private
parts.” Guy says, “That’s a relief, I tell you. So what’s the bad news?” Doctor
says, “They’re under your pillow.” Ba-ding!

[holiday icon]

A guy walks
into a tavern and there’s a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy just
stares at the horse, so the horse says, “Hey buddy, what’s the problem? You never
seen a horse serving drinks before?” The guy replies, “No, it’s not that...it’s
just that I never thought the parrot would sell this place.” Ba-ding!

[holiday icon]

So this kid
walks into his new classroom, and the teacher says, “Hello young man, and what
is your name?” And the kid says, “Dickie Fockhower.” The teacher told him that
she doesn’t allow that kind of language in her classroom. Dickie tells her
again that his last name is really “Fockhower,” and that she can go ask his
little brother in kindergarten to prove it. So the teacher tells her class to
read chapter 4 while she goes to find Dickie’s little brother. She walks into a
kindergarten class where the teacher had stepped out for a moment, and asks,
“Hello, class. Is there a Fockhower in here?” One of the kids yells out, “Heck
no! There’s not even a cookie break!” Ba-ding!

[holiday icon]

Hey!
Over here in the Kids Section: Guy goes
to the dentist. Dentist checks the guy’s mouth and says, “These are the worst
teeth I’ve ever seen. Do you ever floss?” Guy says, “Flossing’s a big pain in
the butt.” Dentist says, “Then obviously you’re doing it wrong.” Ba-ding!

[holiday icon]

In
Jerusalem, a TV journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had gone to
the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she
went to the Wailing Wall to investigate and there he was. She watched him pray
and when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“I’m
Rebecca Smith from FOCKS News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall
and praying?”

“Sixty years, I
kid you not.”

“Sixty years.
Incredible. And what is it you pray for?”

“I
pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the
hatred to stop. I pray that our children grow up in safety and friendship.”

“And
how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like
I’m talking to a focking wall.” Ba-ding!

[holiday icon]

Okey-dokey,
time to close up shop. Hope you found something you liked, you cheap bastards,
’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

Art For Art's Sake

Dear Madame Zoltar

Every Wednesday, Madame Zoltar responds to your queries and comments in her blog, Dear Madame Zoltar. Are the stars in your favor? What to do with that 401K? Find out by sending your questions and thoughts to: madamezoltar@jtirregulars.com

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