He’ll Never Be My Everything

One of the reasons I seem to have trouble finding a ‘relationship’ or getting into one – hell, even finding a date for that matter – is because I don’t believe in the ‘conventional’ relationship.

The dynamics of the ‘relationship’ are changing – as some people are now more focused on their own personal goals and choosing to stay single later on into life – but the vast majority of people I meet still have a pretty narrow view on what it means to be ‘in a relationship’.

Man and woman meet. Man and woman fall in love. Man and woman spend thousands of dollars on a piece of paper that says, “I love you”. Man and woman buy house. Man and woman make babies. Man and woman do the same 9-5 thing for the next 40 some odd years. Man and woman move to new home for more ‘mature’ people. Aforementioned children are now changing man and woman’s diapers.

(And if you’re not part of the 50% that make it this far, you’re probably part of the 50% that pay a few more thousand just to have that piece of paper destroyed so you can start all over again. Rest assured though, someone will still be changing your diapers.)

Blech.

I’d have a more fun taking up knitting and adopting 40 cats – and I don’t even like cats. However, if I put some serious effort into it – my knitting would keep me warm at night.

Okay, I am exaggerating (very mildly), and I know it can be – and is – much more fulfilling and exciting that that. But that scenario, defined by society, is the typical life process of two people (in a nutshell). I won’t argue that complacency is the right thing for some, nor do I have anything against those who do it.

But it’s not for me.

And I don’t really believe in that whole “this is my other half” crap. Last time I checked, I was a whole person.

In my opinion, my kind of relationship is when two wholes come together and forge a dynamic duo – full of love-filled super powers.

Personally, I have a laundry list of goals. I want to own my own business. I want to travel. I want to write a book. Then I want to travel some more. I’d like to pursue my interest in philanthropy. I want to go mountain climbing. Sky diving. Horse back riding in the desert. I want to see and do shit. Lots of it. Maybe there will be a kid or two in there somewhere – but there are parts of my life I want to live before giving life. And I’d like to share those experiences with someone.

I’m not saying that being in a relationship hinders any of those things. It’s finding the right kind of person that has the same kind of mind frame as me that’s been the biggest challenge. The kind of person that can appreciate the present moment and doesn’t put a time stamp on so-called milestones just because ‘society said we should’. Society has this standard that that’s what people my age do – get married, pop out babies, and become another cog in the wheel of the proverbial rat race to get out of debt and pay down the mortgage.

Once again, blech.

Most of the men I have met recently tell me they want to get married and have kids. They want their ‘other half’, they want to feel ‘complete’, and they want a woman that becomes their ‘everything’.

How romantic.

Not.

When someone becomes an ‘everything’, what does that mean? “You’re my everything”. Think about it. Doesn’t that sound a bit ridiculous? If ‘everything’ you have is the result of something or someone else – what did you have before?

So, I decided to google it – and naturally, I found thousands upon thousands images of hearts and what not to give to your ‘everything’.
I also decided to make my own version ->

Let’s say the unfortunate should happen (which most people don’t even want to think about), and you lose your ‘everything’… theoretically, you would then be left with – well, nothing. But you’re not though, because you still have YOU, and that should be ‘something’, right? For a lot of people, they haven’t discovered that ‘something’. And if you don’t have a clear idea of what that ‘something’ is – the relationship with yourself – be prepared to feel a whole lot of yup, you guessed it – nothing.

Most of the men I currently meet also get annoyed because I don’t have as much free time as they do. Some of them, don’t understand why and how I don’t have a favorite TV show, movie, or why I don’t have oodles of free time when I’m not at work. I’m usually working on one of my other projects (I have many), or doing something active, or doing something that involves learning.

“But I haven’t seen you for a WHOLE week! Why are you so busy all the time?! Wahhhhhh!”

Sniff, sniff.

Not my kind of man, not my kind of life.

I wan’t a man in my life – but I also want a life in my man.

The kind of man I want isn’t around every waking moment of every day. He has goals of his own, and doesn’t need me around 24/7. When we are together, we have fun – and when we’re not, we know how to stand on our own two feet.

He doesn’t live life ‘for me’ – he lives it for him. We’re not each others reason for living – we’ve been living up until this point – so I’d say we already had one. We’re on each others journey for the ride – because some experiences are too good not to share, and we have a damn good time together. He doesn’t take care of me – but he cares for me. We’re there to help each other through the challenges, not as a way to escape them.

We don’t ‘need’ each other to live. We want each other to live.

He doesn’t mind if I go out with the girls – and he doesn’t fear being put in the ‘dog house’ when he decides on a night with the boys. (Seriously, it astounds me the number of men that live in fear of the dog house. If someone put me in the dog house for wanting to be me – I’d be looking for a new house.) Hell, if he wants to hit up a strip club, I’d probably toss in a few loonies myself.

We make compromises and sacrifices just like anyone else. We don’t solely depend on each other for happiness, we simply add to the happiness that we already had. Our relationship is an added bonus on top of the relationship we already have – with ourselves.

We’ll never be each others ‘everything’… but we’ll be each others ‘extra thing’.

Sounds like ‘everything’ I could ever want.

Now… I just have to find him.

But, I’m sure ‘everything’ will come together in due time.

Also, I couldn’t help but add this tacky photo – but it’s not bad to look at and it sums up the added benefit I’m after quite nicely:

About the Author

Hi. I'm Tanis. Most people refer to me as "T". I am a writer. I tell real life stories with a spiritual and sarcastic twist. I guarantee to either make you laugh, make you think, or put you to sleep. I like wine, art, laughter, travel and words.
Authenticity is my aim. Proper punctuation is not.

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It wasn’t until very recently that I gave up my 10-year hobby of desperately searching for that special someone who would magically complete me and make me happy. I finally realized that I AM that person. If I find someone to share that with – great! If not, I still have a “whole and complete” me! Thanks for your post!

Holy shit– can I adopt your ‘extra thing’ heart? [Giving you full credit, naturally.] That’s what I keep saying to people– relationships should be two whole people that fit together. I don’t want just half a man; I’d like a complete one, thankyouverymuch.

Stoked to have found your blog, by the way. I think we might have similar views, and look forward to reading more!

Yes! Happiness isn’t and shouldn’t be defined by what you may or may not have by a certain age – it’s a state of being. Most people think that ‘when I get this, I will be happy’… It’s not a destination you arrive at – but should be a part of the life long journey.

Steve at the My Next Date blog started following, and through checking him out I saw you on his recommendations list. If I like one writer, typically check out their favorites, and find new favorites of my own…. and you get the gist. It’s an endless cycle of procrastination and fellow-blogger-appreciation!

The idea of a soul mate is universal, and goes back a long way in literature. Aristophanes’ speech in Plato’s ‘Symposium’ is all about this. But when, or if, Cupid’s arrow hits you, it will all make sense. I personally like using Greek myth here as it explains love as well as anything. Modern science may postulate phermones – you smell someone and the chemicals trigger chemical euphoria in the brain. Maybe… they also point out that this chemical reaction vanishes in about 12 months. The idea of ‘soul mate’ is often expressed as the ‘other half’, and that is an unfortunate analogy. It is more like two bits that fit together – I would say like ‘tongue and grove dowels’ but that seems to edge on being rude. Anyway, a relationship does not necessarily tie you down, unless you want it to.

But don’t be too critical of Aphrodite, as she can be nasty too — see Euripides’ ‘Hippolytus’.

Very, very well put. I love the idea of an added extra. And while the idea of a ‘soul mate’ is romanticized throughout history, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t intrigue me… in so far as there can be two people cut from the same piece of cosmic fabric, who compliment (not complete) each other so completely that combining them together does create a ‘dynamic duo of love-filled super powers.’ …Or at least that’s how I’ve always seen ‘soul mate.’ Until you are certain of yourself, you can’t be certain of anything/one else. And while I don’t aspire to be another brick in the wall, I do want the companionship of a like mind and heart to share all the wonders this world has to offer. Putting the rat race aside, having simply that- someone to laugh with, learn with and cry with- having a life companion, a life partner… is really all I’m looking for. It doesn’t need to have the window dressings that society has mandated we must have to be ‘normal.’ Fuck. I hate that word… normal. Life should be anything but… and so should any ‘real and true’ relationship that I am looking for. I couldn’t have said it any better than you… “We make compromises and sacrifices just like anyone else. We don’t solely depend on each other for happiness, we simply add to the happiness that we already had. Our relationship is an added bonus on top of the relationship we already have – with ourselves.” Too bad too many of the guys and gals out there aren’t looking for the ‘added extra.’ And that makes it tough on those of us who are.

Thanks Michelle! That is one of the best comments I’ve read. I do believe in soul mates and twin souls… but we were born without them… I think for the purpose of completing ourselves first… and if any of us are lucky enough to find them… it’s like BAM! Super hero powers all around!

So glad I found your blog. It seems like very few people these days think like this, or ever come to this point where they think like this. I absolutely cringe when my female friends or male friends for that matter use the sad line while sobbing over a lost love.. “but he/she was my everything…”

Really? That just sounds pathetic. I don’t think that a person can really bring anything to a relationship until they are happy and satisfied with themselves, then as you said, having someone to share that with is an extra bonus.

I love the “you’re my extra thing” idea. That’s sooooo how life should be and I believe was meant to be.

You are a very smart and articulate woman Tanis! I have been enjoying what I’m reading thus far. The ideas in this piece are very mature and assures a long path, albeit, a rewarding one. I would like to respond more to this from the male side but , alas, I am a bit tired this evening and would like to respond with a more alert brain wave. I just wanted to pipe in to let you know I’m slowly working my way through your catalog. I like how you think. At the risk of coming off as something other than what it is I say, “Sexy Brain”!