Title: Someday
Author: Persephone_Elysian
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own 'Gundam Wing' and its characters. They are the
property of Bandai, Sunrise, and their respective copyright owners.
Warnings: 2+1 Shounen-ai. Wistful angst. Some language.
Archived: www.angelfire.com/id2/avalon
Feedback: Needed and appreciated as always.

Quick author's note:

This story... Well, I'm not sure exactly where this came from. Partly,
I think from trying to work through the events of the last two weeks and
partly out of frustration and the need to write. Fortunately, Duo came to
the rescue again. ^_-

I know I missed a couple of you who sent me feedback on 'A Simple Kind
of Life.' *Hugs all of those she missed.* Really sorry about that--school
has stepped up over here and I'm better some days than others.

Thank you to Chele, Jessica, and Amethyst Maiden for beta-ing this for
me. And I apologize for any cross-postings.

***

Someday
A 'Gundam Wing' vignette
Persephone_Elysian

I wonder how you do it, put up with that tender, nagging voice day in
and day out, the constant stream of people, and flashbulbs. The constant
adoration bestowed on one girl, elevated to status of a demigoddess. She
shows up at shopping malls and you'd think that Mary herself had descended
from heaven to mingle with the mortals. It's really disgusting in its own
way, this blind devotion. We put her on a pedestal because we need someone
better than ourselves, force her into a box with no lid or corners and a
large lock around it. Yes, she's the Queen of the World but she's also
a human being and a very fallible one, as we both know all too well. The
saddest thing of all is that she put herself in that box long before anyone
else did. But then Relena was always like us in that, wasn't she? She
knew her duty, her place, from day one and she never wavered in the path
she set for herself.

I suppose I should respect her for that. I should respect those ideals
of hers, so lofty and hopeful. I do not. I don't know what that says about
me. I don't know if the war simply killed off that optimism or if I never
had it to begin with. All I know is that listening to her speak, about
the wonders of pacifism and the evils of fighting, makes me cringe. The
way she speaks of the war, of what we fought for

Understand me, war is an ugly affair. It's blood and it's death and
it's pain. Its colors are red and black with streaks of gold from fires
and explosions. It's loud and it haunts the ears and eyes even after the
sounds and images have long since been replaced. The body never forgets
the adrenal rush, the way it was molded into a weapon. There is something
lost in war, and there is something gained. Soldiers fight so that others
don't have to; they fight so civilians can enjoy the fruits of peace. Soldiers
die so that others might live. And that is the bottom line. We fought and
we won and then we were discarded. Who needs weapons in a time of peace?

But we are not living in a peaceful time--what we are living in is the
absence of war. The truth of the matter is, peace is an ideal. As long
as one human being disagrees with another, there can never be peace. There
will always be disharmony and it's that disharmony that pushes us forward,
into new ideas and new eras. Relena is right on one point -- the physical
violence is unnecessary but the blanket pacifism she seeks can never exist.
It's the ideal that moves us, the ideal that makes us strive for perfection
but were we to ever achieve that perfection, humanity would wither and die.
What we need is conflict without bloodshed, disagreement without death.
If humanity can ever reach that stage then war will end and we will still
continue on, a race dynamic and moving forward. And that, dear Heero,
is why I could never stay by the Peacecraft's side, guarding her, guarding
that image so carefully cultivated. Because like it or not, I believe in
the differences of humanity. I believe that those differences are valid.
I believe in the right to disagree and to think for one's self. Relena
seeks a common human race, all with the same ideas, and feelings and backgrounds.
Therefore it strikes me as odd that she's fallen in love with you. Or
perhaps, I should say lust?

She loves you for being rough and wild and untamed. She loves you for
being everything she isn't. She loves you and now that she's captured you,
she's set about taming her wild bird. Isn't it sad? We kill those things
we love most, we want to change what first draws us to another person.
Relena has to change you though, for her own peace of mind if nothing
else. She cannot abide the taint and smell of blood, not matter if it was
justifiably spent. She can never understand all those demons you carry.
Indeed, she doesn't want to. The war is over and like that, you're supposed
to flip a switch and be 'normal,' whatever the hell that is. Bam! The last
few years of your life never happened. H-ellllllllllllo? Let's be real
here. As much as I say I'd like to lose a memory or two here, the truth
is, I could never let go of even one. Not even the bloodiest nightmare
that shakes me in the dead of night. They're all I have, they're all that
makes up Duo Maxwell. If I lose them, I lose myself. And so I carry them,
sometimes comfortably, like a well-worn leather coat and at other times
with all the caution of touching broken glass. They hurt, those jagged
edges, but they are mine and I accept them for what they are.

Perhaps that's the difference between the two of us. I accept and you
loathe. Even through your coldness, you loathe what you are and were.
Because of that you flock to the Blessed Virgin Relena in hopes of some
redemption at her baptismal fount of peace, hoping that those demons you
fear can be banished by her pure touch. If I thought you'd listen to me,
I'd tell you the truth. You can run to Relena, you can stay by her side
and protect her, and perhaps even convince yourself that you love her because
she is the embodiment of everything you've been taught to fight for but
you'll never find your happiness with her. She can change you and you can
let her, but eventually that outer shell is going to crack and then you'll
both be faced with problems you're unable to deal with. Relena because
she cannot understand the mindset of a soldier and you because you will
find yourself resenting your icon for not healing the fracture in your soul.
The only way to do that is to let go, let go and face every dark thought
and deed you've ever felt. Feel them, embrace them, and then let them sink
into their proper places.

Relena will never love you. Love does not require such a drastic change.
It accepts and through that acceptance, it finds growth. There's a very
real difference between change and growth, one that can't be explained.
I know all this because I know you, Heero Yuy. I know how you think, I've
know how you bleed, I know how you kill. I know I love you. Oh, I hated
you at first, I'll admit to that. I hated you because I thought you were
as false as Relena in your own way. It was only later, when I understood
the depths of the depravity of your trainers, and the mind of their perfect
killer. An innocent soldier. God, what a joke. There's no such thing as
an innocent soldier. You were a child, we all were and they put a gun in
our hands and told us to fight. And we did. I did because I had nothing
to lose and you were never given a choice. You were a little boy made a
man in a fountain of blood and death. You weren't cold by nature, even
I could see that. You simply don't know how to be any other way because
you do feel so very much. I think that's what scares you most of all. You
seem to think that by letting one emotion slip, all the others will come
and you'll never be able to cope. So you don't even try. Instead you hover
around Relena as they all do, searching for some quick answer that will
never come. Only you'll never see that because your mind, so literal and
analytical, cannot deal with the real truth of your situation.

I hurt for you. You would scoff to hear those words and so I do not
say them. I feel them though with every breath of my body, with every time
your name touches my mind. I hurt and I bleed inside for you. I ache because
I can't help you either. You have to want that help and so far, I think
I'm the last person you would ever turn to for that kind of aid. You came
to me during the Barton Rebellion because you needed a comrade, a fellow
solider, not because you wanted a lover. You needed my skills, you needed
someone you could depend on. I was honored for that. You could have chosen
Quatre or Trowa. Instead, you came to me after a year of hiding, a year
of no one, not even Relena, knowing your whereabouts. I could have kissed
you for that. I would have if I hadn't feared snapping that tenuous thread
of 'best friends' that binds us together. You come to me and not the others
because you feel that I would not betray you. But in loving you and never
saying a word, I've betrayed myself, betrayed my heart. I love you and
because of that, I put you before anything else. Hilde I think Hilde
understood after a while, after seeing the two of us together. She saw
in my eyes all the things she longed to have said to her, directed at you.
I think she was right when she called me a fool, turning down a love that
was offered for one that didn't exist and maybe never would. It hurt to
tell her that I didn't love her, at least not in the way she wished. It
hurt even more when she started to cry and then when she turned away. I'd
hurt her without meaning to and if she'd never wanted anything to do with
me after that point, it would have been completely understandable. Even
if it would have made working side by side in the scrap yards with her hell
on Earth. For some reason, she didn't do that, even if it did take her
nearly a month to smile at me again.

That aside, I'm lucky in so many ways. I'm alive with fresh air in my
lungs and all of Earth and space just there for the exploring. I have friends
and people who love me. And I have someone I love, stubborn cold bastard
tendencies and all. It should be enough. It never is. It is human to
yearn for something more, something beyond ourselves. Wars have been fought
over such but not today. No, today I'm content to stand with this impatient
crowd, watching with some amusement as Relena's people fuss over her, with
you glowering over the affair, a fervent watchdog. I think your eyes soften
just a bit as they fall on her, on her general annoyance. It should anger
me or make me jealous. It doesn't though; instead, I find myself pleased,
pleased by the tiny steps you're making without even realizing it. Day
by day, Heero Yuy is gaining ground on the Perfect Soldier. I can only
hope I'll be there to see the overthrow.

Someday, yes someday, I think we will walk together, hand in hand down
this street. Maybe I'll even be blessed to hear that rough voice of yours
gentle and expressing some tender emotion beyond you right now. Maybe.
Maybe not. There is no set future, no plan beyond that we live. We were
put in this universe to do just that. Tragedies happen, people die, and
people continue. And because they continue, we can hope--I can hope for
that someday that may never come save in the dark of my thoughts. Yet it
is to that someday I will cling because everyone needs hope.