All the things we allegedly are

Attention mainline Protestants: a conservative Christian candidate for president would like to point out that your institutions are in decline, and that he doesn't mind because you're not Christian enough, anyway. Take that!

Yes, yes, woe is the mainline! Somehow, through feats of ecclesial failure so masterful that they defy logic, we have managed to be:

A narcissistic liberal echo chamber that tolerates no dissent.

A bunch of please-everyone spineless wimps who stand for nothing except vague and gooey middle-class niceness.

Clueless 19th-century rationalist holdovers who still believe it’s possible to look at things objectively because, I don’t know, our schooling was so full of Moustache Grooming 101, practicums in The Care of Tweed Frock Coats, and private lessons in Somber Intonation that we simply never got around to critiques of modernity, or something.

Pretty impressive, no? An outside observer might remark that those three criticisms appear to conflict with each other.