Holding Back Our Daughters

Are we hurting our daughters’ future?

I thought I was entering a time warp, stepping back to the 60’s and 70’s, when I read the piece in Forbes online “7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future” (6/28/2012). It was a list of supposed societal and parental behaviors that impede the full growth and potential of our daughters. The ideas seemed so passé – and so out of touch with reality.

Here are just a few to ponder – and dismiss.

1. We teach our daughters to be polite and quiet.

If only! I wish everyone’s daughters were more polite. My experience of public discourse suggests otherwise. And quiet? Clearly the author has never heard my daughter and her friends rehearsing the latest dance or song from their school performance –at midnight! The girls I know are loud and boisterous and confident – and I pray they are polite.

2. We buy her gender-specific toys.

Does this idea really still have traction? First of all, I know many boys (my grandsons included) who love playing with dolls and playing house. And I don’t think it has any impact on their future choices any more than when female children choose dolls as gifts. When they walk through a toy store, their eyes just don’t alight on the Lego and other building toys the way they do on the dolls. Maybe we should blame the packaging. I don’t think (as the article seems to suggest) that more “male-oriented” toys encourage invention and creativity than do female-oriented ones. Anyone that thinks that has obviously never heard their daughters play house or school!

I’m not sure which parents the author is addressing here. Of course little girls, and big girls, and their mommies, like to be told they look pretty. But they also like to be told they did a good job on a test or project, that they performed well on the soccer field or ice rink, that it was kind of them to share they toy and be considerate of others, that their character matters. I’ve noticed that schools give awards for sports and grades and sometimes character; I haven’t noticed any for looks. So I’m not sure who’s supporting this message.

4. We indoctrinate her into the princess cult.

Perhaps it is true that there has been a glut of princess parties – although certainly not in my home where birthday parties in general were deemed more trouble than they were worth. But haven’t princesses and brides always been little girls’ fantasies? And have they really shaped their future goals and visions? While I certainly find Sleeping Beauty to be a troubling story (not sure what the prince could determine about her character while she was sleeping), I don’t know any young women who honestly expect a prince to come riding up and sweep them off their feet (any more than they would expect a wicked stepmother who plots their death, a poisoned apple or talking mirrors or any other fairy tale phenomena). Can’t little girls just be little girls? They’ll grow up soon enough.

5. We give Dad all the physical tasks around the house.

I feel like I just stepped out of a scene from Father Knows Best. I know many women who do the physical tasks, just as I know many men who do the nurturing ones. The most logical seems to be that whoever is around when something needs doing should just take care of it. Every Friday night, we sing Eshet Chayil, a song about a woman of valor. The list of her accomplishments and abilities (prescribed by King Solomon many hundreds of years ago) suggests that we never believed in leaving all the physical labor to Dad. The truth is that the more common request these days is that Dad would do at least some of the physical labor!

6. She only spends time with other girls.

Guilty as charged. But I don’t accept any negative implications. In fact, the opposite seems to be true. Girls educated around only girls seem to be more confident and more advanced academically. No Reviving Ophelia dumbing down to make the boys feel better. And it’s not just scholastically; girls who spend their time with other girls seem happier, more secure, less pressured and more able to just enjoy their time and make the most of it. The author’s contention that girls need coed high school education in order to be successful in business seems to lack focus on the qualities that actually lead to success.

7. We criticize our bodies and other women’s bodies.

This is indeed a battle but I certainly don’t know any homes where other women’s bodies are criticized or where anyone would consider that an acceptable pastime. Yes the media reinforces some negative stereotypes about body image that we need to counteract, but if we really mean it, perhaps we should stop buying the products that are marketing by half-dressed women and watching the television shows (most of them) that continue to objectify us.

I don’t believe that today’s young women are limited by anything except the necessity in life to make tough choices – and perhaps by articles like this that makes them feel like hapless and helpless victims of a sexist society instead of the strong, capable, confident and self-possessed women that they, in fact, are.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 17

(14)
Dana Klein,
May 21, 2013 6:08 PM

Education is the key

Thankfully I grew up in a family where my father encouraged our education. He also encouraged us to participate in the community and sports. The greatest words told to me were...Dana when you win we all win. When you lose we all lose. We are here to help you on your journey......I am thankful that this was the family chosen for me to enter the world.

(13)
Anonymous,
August 30, 2012 3:41 PM

the frum community does share these issues

There are those in the frum community who do put an emphasis on marriage above other things-our version of the prince on the white horse.
i.e. Why bother getting an education or a good job...you'll get married anyway
i.e. once you get married, your problem will go away (for boys and girls)
Stay thin so somebody will want to marry you....

(12)
Esther,
August 10, 2012 7:55 AM

A couple of remark on the subject

a. I was educated at a girls' school and I didn't know about boys until I was 18. I had a very unrealistic view of society and it took many years to adjust. Bad for the girls!
b. In Eshet Chayil the woman works night and day while the husband sits with the wise of the land and sings her praises. What kind of division of labour is that?

(11)
Esther,
August 10, 2012 6:24 AM

a. I was educated at a girls' school and I didn't know about boys until I was 18. I had a very unrealistic view of society and it took many years to adjust. Bad for the girls!
b. In Eshet Chayil the woman works night and day while the husband sits with the wise of the land and sings her praises. What kind of division of labour is that?

Sarah,
August 10, 2012 4:54 PM

Girls only private school shouldn't be an issue

I went to a private girls' school from grade school through college. Even without having many brothers or even boy cousins, I had no problem adjusting to the business world, where I work as a manager with and over many male (and female) employees. If anything, I am more reserved and not reduced to pathetic flirting (whether conscious or unconscious) when conversing with the guys. My schools taught us girls to have self respect and be confident in a modest manner, tools that are vital in any relationship. As for Eshet Chayil, it describes the woman who is a role-model wife and mother- and enumerating her strengths has nothing to do with detracting from what her husband does. Although not everyone is on that level, I'm sure that any 'good wife' loves her husband and will do whatever she can for him- without feeling resentful and envious of the 'division of labor'. Doing something for another does not require expectations of getting something equal in return.
Thanks for the article. Being a 'princess' kind of girl myself, I don't think this has distorted my visions of reality at all- it's just a personality thing. I love creating (I'm a go-to person for fixing things) and designing (not necessarily girly things considering the percentages of male designers). The truth of the matter is that girls and boys are intrinsically different. If they were meant to be the same, then why would G-d create two different genders?

(10)
Trilby Idzerda,
August 9, 2012 3:01 PM

Yes to educating girls separately!

I was blessed to attend an all-women's college and wish I had been educated in that way throughout all my schooling.

(9)
Observer,
August 8, 2012 12:59 AM

Article mostly right

Here is the reality - your experience of the world is VERY different from that of the secular world. Most of the issues that the article raises are very real. The irony of it is, though, that the gender separation the author bemoans actually makes some of the other problems moot.
The whole "princess" thing is pretty awful, and absolutely does affect women's views of themselves. And while most women don't literally expect a prince to come and rescue them, they often do expect some guy to make them "happy ever after." The whole "princess" mentality also comes along with a couple of other issues - mainly the emphasis on "glamorous" dress and the idea of "love at first sight."
As for the issue of looks, you don't need to criticize other women for this to be a huge problem. It's way too common in the frum community. Outside - don't even get me started. One major chain recently had to pull a tee-shirt being marketed to tweens and teen that said "I'm too pretty to do homework" You can imagine how that went over with sane adults! Then there is the whole Barbie industry, with its look-alikes.
I could go on, but really, this is a major issue.

Anonymous,
August 9, 2012 5:21 AM

a good book...

a good read on this topic: Cinderella Ate my Daughter

(8)
Miriam,
August 7, 2012 2:13 PM

Personally, I grew up with every years Purim (and Halloween) costume being a princess or bride or similar and had many dolls and other "girlie" toys. Heck, my younger brother was usually the "doll" my sisters and I dressed up and played with. My sisters and I were constantly playing dress up too.
That said, I have grown up to be able to fix things around the house and shlep things as well, if not better than my husband at times... depending on what it is. If we let girls be girls, we may end up with some well rounded women some day rather than just women who believe that to be proper women need to be (or at least act as) men. What girls need to learn is not that they must be equal to men but rather they must grow to be women. That is where their strength lies.

(7)
Richard M Marcus,
August 6, 2012 5:02 PM

ANY RELATION...?

Ms Bravertman: When I taught music in Philadelphia (decades ago!), there was a David Braverman was in my class.. The family was well known and well liked throughtout the area in which they lived, called Wynnefield. Are you related to him?

(6)
Suzanne,
August 6, 2012 7:44 AM

Really? You don't know ANYONE who does . . .?

Maybe you live in an observant culture bubble. I don't know. But most the things where you implied it is very rare because you don't see it often are things I see all the time. Except the quiet and polite thing. Gotta go with you on that one.

Rivka,
August 7, 2012 2:49 AM

non-frum moms don't match Forbes either

It is true that there are a minority of moms who only stress beauty to their girls, and encourage the princess attitude - I saw proof that this was a minority when I saw a show recently (don't remember whose daytime show) where 3 moms of "beauty pageant little girls" were being interviewed. And they admitted that people outside the beauty pageant circuit regularly criticized them for stressing beauty & cute poses & sexy clothes for their little girls starting as early as age 4. Nobody thought it was normal!! And this was clearly waaay out of the "observant culture bubble".

(5)
Anonymous,
August 6, 2012 4:39 AM

Never heard of awards for looks?

What about homecoming queens, Miss (insert school name here) pageants, best dressed, best looking, etc., unless you're talking about frum schools.

(4)
Anna,
August 5, 2012 8:00 PM

Well, I love being a girl, and there are such gorgeous girly things around now ! The Forbes article is drivel, it's not backed up by anything, from what you say. I am sick of the princess thing, but such is life. Let girls be girls.The girls I see are so pretty in the clothes they wear now. Equality is a two-edged sword; I am not sure that I want to make the sacrifices that men do (I am generalising myself, here, I know) in order to have the results of these.
Barbies and princesses and other things are not compulsory, as far as I know :)

(3)
Rachel,
August 5, 2012 6:11 PM

My mom, my daughter, and me

So here's a quick story of 3 generations:
My mother (of blessed memory) was born in the US 1931. Of course she had dolls. But when World War II began, she and her best friend often played at being spies or soldiers. She grew up to become a teacher; after my arrival she was a stay-home mom.
2. Born in 1960, of course I had dolls. I also had Legos (and in those days that meant 2 bases, a bunch of blocks, and a couple of doors and windows.) I had an erector set, and a couple of toy guns. When "Daniel Boone" was a popular frontier show, my best friend and I played frontier. When Vietnam was much in the news, we played Vietnam War (I remember a battle of wills with my mother -- I wanted to wear my green coat in JUNE because it looked most like an Army uniform.) I grew up to be an attorney.
3. My daughter was born in 1992. Of course, she had dolls. She also had some sports equipment and gender- neutral toys. She took ballet and played soccer. My son took ballet and runs track. My daughter is now a business major in college.
And we were all raised to be polite -- but also to stand up for ourselves when needed, and for others.

(2)
Surya Lea,
August 5, 2012 4:51 PM

Thank you for that article, I really enjoyed reading it.

(1)
Sara,
August 5, 2012 12:46 PM

raising children without a gender indentification

it doesn't work- we should be celebrating differences between men and women not trying to obfuscate the fifference.A psychologist working for the toy industry was asked why aren't dolls made/marketed for boys. The answere was: it doesn't sell- boys aren't interested. Then she told a personal story. She has a daughter after a number of sons- and decided not to buy her daughteranything special- she would play wiht her sons' toys- until she saw her daughter cradling a truck- she bought her a doll. Your line about you daughter's etyes lighting up at the dolls was soooo true= and healthy.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...