just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Bottom Line

Almost new years so cool to have heard from so many friends and seen updates on lots and lots of blogs. Deep levels have been stirred lately on many blogs, so redeeming to see and read all of the twists and turns life takes people on. I have had some very good IM convos with a few good friends lately, it challenged me to make a new post. I try to write about whats happening in me on here as well as wonderings on theology,life,politics you name it. Bottom line though is i seek to be transparent in order for God to shine His light and guide me into growth. Also to be a way to hopefully express things others may share but cant write about or just discover many people who understand and can encourage and exhort in ways i might otherwise never get.

I have talked in depth about my struggle with fear,especially fear of death as well as issues concerning sex. I cringe sometimes after posting because i see the courage and bravery shown by so many who actually suffer every day with severe pain and for me its an internal mental/emotional thing. I think i create a worse pain for myself by my fears than if i were to actually get cancer or something its just a weird way i have somehow dealt with the realities of death and physical pain. I am sure i have idealized how my dad handled the reality of his dying,and I see my weakness and fear and feel so inadequate and like a failure because of being that way. The other thing is feeling caught as in a spiders web and not knowing how to break free and be the bold courageous brave man I desire to be, or as my dad was.

Sex. I have a very hard time just handling this in the normal way. Because of the rejection I experienced due to my physical appearance, as well as the smothering done by my grandma and some other factors I have found it extremely hard to have a regular relationship with a girl one that would lead to longterm commitment and then marriage. I get all caught up with questions worries and junk in my head when even thinking about asking a girl out. i have discovered on the phone and in online chats even women have the same struggles and also many other guys. It is a very compelling thing to have a female tell you she likes your voice, enjoys your personality and finds an attraction to you, even if it is in a fantasy way. A lot of people use what are called *party lines* as well as phone conference lines to talk to each other and recieve affection sensuality and acceptance that they never find in person, it is a very addicting thing because it hits at the roots of self worth. Sex not done in person is so much more than sex, it is desires,dremas,wishes,needs,wants all the things that a person would love to have and experience in real life with a partner.

The bottom line I spoke of as title of this post is the guilt.shame/self-rejection as a result of these things. My internal self feels like Gods hammer is always coming down on me and that i deserve to go to hell because i have had fear struggles for so long and sexual sins even as i served actively as a minister in a church. I feel strange posting that. How can I be committed to God and seek to follow Jesus and feel like i will go to hell??? On the other hand how can I be His follower and commit these sins ??? A friend told me Im way to hard on myself, and i honestly dont know how not to be. I dont let these things show outwardly, I dont dwell on them when around people and I dont alot of the time during the day either. I find this a place where God allows me to reveal at a depth I find healing. Hopefully many of you can relate to these feelings and struggles. I cannot express the thrill i get from all your comments and emails, from the prayers offered up, from the fun and happy stories shared. God is so good and Im so blessed He shows how good He is through each and everyone of you out there!!!!! Thanks for stopping in please share anything you desire as always!!!

Hey bro, It seems that your fear lingers, as do my dysfunctional coping mechanisms. May God continue to touch us in the deepest recesses of our souls, bringing light and healing in the darkest crevices. May He touch our oldest scars, the ones which influence us to this day, and may He soften them and transform them until we find freedom to live in His presence without restraint. amen

I have to agree with your friend Robert in saying that you are WAY too hard on yourself sweetie. I'm not sure what sins you think you have committed but what I see is a kind, loving man who is full of joy for others and always cares for those who may be struggling to find their way.

As for sex, nothing is as it seems on the outside and people who appear to be supremely confident in this area are most probably quavering inside just like you are. When you find the right person it will be the most natural thing in the world because they will make you feel like the worthy human being you are.