Reproductive Behavior of the Ordinary Necktie
(Strangulus Polyestrus)

It has been observed for some time that Strangulus
Polyestrus has a reproductive cycle closely related to
their storage environment, but until now, this behavior
has never been documented.

For the initial phase of this study, four groups of 20
Strangulus P. were used. The first was a control group,
hung neatly on a tie rack in an open room. Over the
course of six months, no reproductive behavior was
observed.

The second group consisted of 20 Strangulus P. hung on
a tie rack in a closed closet. After six months in this
closet, it was found that no new Strangula had been
produced, although several had fallen to the floor during
the process of trying to reproduce.

The third group consisted of 20 Strangulus P. flung
carelessly into a dresser drawer, which was then closed
and sealed for six months. When the drawer was finally
opened, it was found that the adult Strangula had been
promiscuous indeed, resulting in the formation of seven
new Strangula. The coloring of these adolescent Strangula
indicated that the Gaudy sub-species has a shorter or
more successful reproductive cycle, prompting the
research described in the latter part of this study.

The fourth and final group of 20 Strangulus P. was
assembled at the request of a colleague who insisted that
the best place for breeding Strangula was the back seat
of a car. This method did prove to be the most productive
attempt, although it initially got off to a slow start.
At the beginning of the experiment, the dormant Strangula
were simply laid neatly across the back seat of the car.
No reproductive behavior was observed until they were
eventually swept aside to make room for passengers, and
ultimately kicked under the driver's and passenger's side
seats, at which point they not only began to produce at
an astonishing, if not outright whorish rate, but also
began to display significant signs of territorial
belligerence, often attacking the feet and hands of
observing scientists. Again, the overwhelming majority of
the offspring belonged to the Gaudy sub-species.

This preponderance of Strangulus Polyestrus Gaudy, and
a need to waste the remainder of a significant federal
grant to ensure continued funding, prompted additional
research to contrast and compare the reproductive cycle
of Gaudy to the other major sub-species of Strangulus P.:
Spotted and Drab. For this phase, 20 adult Strangula of
each sub-species were shoved hurriedly into drawers which
were subsequently sealed for a period of two months.

After two months, the Drab specimens were still
languorously indulging in foreplay, which seemed to
consist mainly of estimating one's net worth and making
trite and insincere comments about other Strangula's
texture, color, or cooking ability. The Spotted specimens
were crusting up nicely and had begun to exude a weird,
but not alltogether nauseating, odor. The Gaudy
specimens, on the other hand, were not only procreating
at a scandalous rate, but had established a crude
transmission device and were broadcasting talk shows with
themes along the lines of "Ketchup: Aphrodisiac or
Communist Menace", and "Women Who Love Piet
Mondrians and the Men Who Wear Them".

It was at this time that the study was dropped
abruptly due to intervention from the Dean of the
University, who guaranteed tenure only if the damn report
would be published already.