Thursday, June 30, 2011

Now it's all about Carolyn. She joined me for some wine while we watched the day turn into night at the dock yesterday. It was almost perfect. Nice sunset and a soft breeze. Except nothing happened.I got a vibe from her that she wants to keep it a friendship thing between us. A lot of our conversation revolved around how losses. Her marriage is weighing very heavy on her mind. Her last boyfriend, Andy dying last year is also a constant topic. It makes it very hard to get romantic if I can't steer the conversation away from those things.At least we are making plans. We talked about getting together on Friday night to see some outside music. We even talked about going to check out some wineries out east some weekend. But when I got a little close to her she kind of moved away. She has never struck me as shy so I'm starting to feel like she just isn't feeling it. Maybe she senses my desperation or maybe she feels she just isn't able to get close to anyone right now but when we said good night all I got was a quick little peck on the cheek and she was gone.I know I need to be more assertive as I was with Doreen but at least with her there was a certain amount of encouragement. So while Carolyn came when I invited her and she stayed a long time like she was enjoying herself I am also looking at this as more of the same. The more I like someone the less likely I can make things happen. But we will see. She has to know I'm looking for more than being friends. Is it too soon to walk away?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I had a big night of doing laundry and not much else. I did make it down to the boat to check on it. I put clothes in the dryer and go knowing I need to get back to get the them out before 10 PM when the laundry room is supposed to close. I arrive at the boat and all seems normal until I open the hatch and hear a noise from inside. At first I thought just something fell and I notice the curtain rod was off the window. When i take a closer look I realize there was a bird inside my boat. And not a little bird either. Somehow a duck had gotten inside the boat. I guess she thought the screen on the hatch would make a nice nest but she just fell through and once inside she had no way out. I say "she" because she left me a gift of a duck egg. It looked like she wanted off the boat as much as I wanted her off the boat. But once on board she hid herself up forward. So I quietly opened every portal and hatch and then gently steered her out. Once free she flew right off. I was grateful she was okay, but she did leave me a bit of a mess to clean. What to do with the egg was tricky. I considered breakfast but I thought the best thing would be to just rid of it. It was never going to hatch but I wasn't about to eat it. So into the dumpster it went. The duck will just need to lay new one. I guess you could call that the highlight of my day. The laundry got all done. The rest of the night was spent watching TV. And now the TV looks like it's broken. I pray it's just the cable box since I'm in no position to buy a new TV and for sure I don't want to deal with getting it down the stairs again. How I will have the box checked out I'm not sure.I also got an email from Carolyn's sister Nancy. I actually knew Nancy before I met Carolyn. In fact it was Nancy who introduced me to her some 5 or 6 years back. At some point since then they have had a falling out. I won't go into those details but they haven't spoken to each other in years. Up until now I've remained friends with both of them. Nancy's email was about how I saw her sister. Not sure how she found that out but I told her yes, I saw her sister. I'm not sure if I shouldn't have just ignored it. Probably will be a problem at some point. I just hope it doesn't get complicated.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

It's a strange feeling I have right now. Not a bad feeling but not a secure warm and fuzzy feeling either. Having been able to spend some time with Carolyn, an attractive available woman, I keep wondering if I am on the cusp of finally making something actually work out. I go back through all the prior entries and realize I don't have a lot of successful experiences to draw upon. I keep feeling like this is like playing a hand of poker where you not only have cards but also look at the other players and see if they will tip their hand.The urge to go "all in" is enticing but I also know it reeks of desperation. It felt like Doreen kind of did that with me. I mean we had one night together and right away she wants to go on a weekend to Atlantic City. When I hesitated she kind of backed away and when I saw on FB she was planning to go with her ex-BF I realized she was not for me. I know I need to take it easy. I've made it pretty obvious to Carolyn that I am there for her if she wants me. The best thing might be to let it flow and be prepared for whatever she is ready for. She has three kids, a house and a job to take care of. Calling her every night would be too much. But I do want to talk to her. Patience. I know I want to call but I keep thinking the rule is wait a day or so before calling.There is one good thing about this. I've been staying out of the bar. Money being tight is one reason, but I've also felt like there isn't any real reason to go there. I'd much rather hang out at home. Is it mostly about sitting by the phone? Maybe, but if that was the case I've always got the cell phone. I think it's mostly money. I need to make sure I can do my stuff on the weekends and not just blow through $100 just hanging out.No plans for 4th of July yet. Could be setting myself up but I feel like it could be a great time.

Monday, June 27, 2011

This is Carolyn. Yes, she is a real girl. I spent yesterday on her boat with her daughter and a friend of her daughters. So our time together was chaperoned. I still have not been alone with her so nothing has happened romantically. But I did follow up a day on the water by taking the three of them out for dinner. It may have been money I don't necessarily have as the mortgage comes due this week. It remains to be seen whether is was money well spent.We talked a lot yesterday and I wanted to make plans but I get the feeling she is hesitating. Last thing I said before "good night" was that I would call her during the week. We actually discussed doing something on Friday night. I'm not sure I want to wait that long. I will keep you posted.Part of my financial crisis comes from some unexpected boat expenses the last 2 weekends. Last week I needed to replace my power cord to the tune of $120 and then this weekend it was a new fuel pump which ran me another $135. Then I paid for dinner for 4 which I actually got off fairly cheap at $130. When I give myself only about $300 a paycheck in walking around money I blew through a months worth in 2 weekends. I am not going to dwell on that until bills don't get paid. I think I still have some money for July. But in my mind I want to take Carolyn out some more. I really don't want to get myself in a bind but I also don't want money to keep me from what may be an eventful summer. I shouldn't think too far ahead.

Friday, June 24, 2011

It's Friday. The last seven days have been nothing if not eventful. When last Friday began I was trying to make a date with crazy neurotic girl, Tracy which ended up being dinner with her and her brother. I still wasn't walking away because that is how desperate I've become.Then I got this random phone call from Carolyn. I'd mentioned to her a while back how much I'd love to go fishing on her boat. I never figured she would act on it. So even though I had to rearrange some plans I made sure it could happen. It was a good day. Since then I've been scheming of a ways to see her again. So far it's resulted in me making a call to her but she was not able to commit to any plans I suggested.Which brings me to tonight. It's Friday and right now I have absolutely nothing going on. There is a little voice in my head telling me to send a message and see if I can get Carolyn to come out for drinks. The weather kind of sucks so I can't look to an outdoor evening. I was considering the TIKI Bar near where Carolyn lives but that may seem a little "stalker-ish". If I was more confident I would make a direct call but a better option might be a text, or email. As the day goes on I feel as if I will attempt something. This is still much better than where I was last Friday.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Last night I did a whole lot of nothing. Which always means I think too much, never a good thing. As you may know from reading this I tend to obsess a little too much. I'm working on that but for now it is what it is.I'd almost forgotten. It was a long time ago but I do remember it did happen. You are wonder what? I did once try to kiss Carolyn. It must have been 5 years ago. I'd just met her and it was similar to what I'm feeling now. At that time she was telling me her marriage was over and seemed like she was interested in me. So when I tried to kiss her she backed away and did a 180 on me. All of a sudden she was not so single. So it was at that point where I pretty much blew her off. Since then she has actually ended her marriage and then took up with this guy Andy. I'm not sure but I think Andy gave her some kind of engagement ring. So over the last 4 or 5 years whenever I saw her I would just say hello and keep on going.So now she is truly unattached and all of a sudden she is back. She has no husband and no boyfriend. There are probably men in her life but she has gone out of her way to give me the impression she is alone. There is a little voice in my head that says she is just wanting attention and I need to be a little wary. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had told Chris to go home. Maybe he saved me from disaster or maybe he c-blocked me. Water under the bridge.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I got home from work then went to the gym. I had a terrible workout. Just wasn't into it. I made a trip down to check the boat. Then went home and made a quick dinner. Then finally at 9 o'clock I dialed up Carolyn and said hi. She picked up and with that we had about a 45 minute conversation. Hey, it's not like we just met. We've known each other for a long time and I've always thought there might be sparks there. But always before there were other people in the way and it just didn't seem like I was ever getting past that. But this time she did make a move toward me. I remember from the movie Hitch that a man needs to 90 percent and leave the last 10 percent up to her. I am probably only at 50 percent but that can change quick.I wanted to make a plan but she was somewhat resistant. I do get a sense she wants her options open. And I'm fine with that as she does have some - dare I say it - baggage. Her life right now is tangled in legal issues both with her ex-husband and her family. She is estranged from her sister and brother, both of whom I know. I won't go into the reasons yet except to say it's financial and really messy. I may give more details at some point but just not part of today's story.Our conversation a little longer than I expected, which I guess could be a good thing except we touched on some things I hadn't anticipated, such as why I don't have friends come out on the boat so much anymore. I may have said a little too much. But that's just me.I have no idea what's coming next. As always I feel a little optimistic, but trying not to hang all my hopes and dreams onto one thing. Like I said, Carolyn is someone i know for a long time and it has been my experience that if things don't happen within a few days they never seem to happen. I've always been somewhat available and there is probably a reason why we never hooked up previously. That makes me think the next 10 days or so could be interesting. Or not.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Yeah, was home alone last night. I did venture down to the boat to check on things and I figure you never know who may be down there to talk to. It was quiet so I watched the sunset and relaxed for an hour. I want to give Carolyn a call but I'm thinking about that rule from the movie Swingers where if you need wait three days or you can seem desperate... which of course I think I am. I also feel as if I need a plan before I can make that call.Even though I know Carolyn a fairly long time this all started 2 Wednesdays ago when I just randomly went down to the boat to check on the refrigeration. I walk down the ramp onto the dock and there is Carolyn alone on her boat just sitting there. It was a nice night so I offered to open a bottle of wine if she was willing. After a drink or two she started to tell me how she is struggling with life without Andy. The way she had always described their relationship when he was here was that she needed Andy more than wanted him and was not considering anything permanent. Now that he is gone she is probably realizing how attached they really were. So I decided to just listen but I must say I am very attracted to her. There is something there... but then I've been fooled before into thinking that. She is very flirtatious. When another boater, Ned came in from an evening of fishing and stopped to say hello on his way home- Carolyn seemed like she was coming on to him ... trying way too hard to be friendly. She has done that before so that made it easy for me to just decide she isn't good for me.Then she calls me Saturday and asked me to spend the day on her boat. Probably safe, but I still wonder if I hadn't had my friend Chris there. I considered telling Chris to get lost several times. But I didn't and I am probably better off, although I do want call now and see if Carolyn is receptive to anything. I gotta make that call.

Monday, June 20, 2011

When ever things go in unexpected directions I am always caught off-guard. Out of the blue last week I heard from Tracy, neurotic Jewish princess that I find attractive in the one time fling kind of way. At one time she was employed by my departed friend Joe, who would insist I never go there. Of course, he knew of what he was speaking. I guess now that the boat is in the water I shouldn't be surprised to hear from her. Still like the glutton for punishment guy that I am, I asked her out for dinner on Friday night. Seeing as I have no real plan I thought you never know, maybe a little alone time with someone might work some kind of magic. After my one night time with Doreen I am thinking my vibe must be working something. Well, when I get to the restaurant she sends me a text that she was bringing her brother, of all people. WTF, well at least I didn't have to pick up the check. To top it all off, I can't remember her brother's name if my life depended on it. I really need to just let her go. Was I prepared for that. No, because if I was I would never have made the plan in the first place. If i have anything even close to going on I would. The only good thing that came about was I got a text from Coleen and didn't even respond to it.Which brings me to day 2 of my out-of-my-control weekend. I need to absolutely get my boat out so I had asked my friend Chris to take a sail with me on Saturday. He is always a late starter so I knew I could get to the gym and run some errands in the morning and then get in a short afternoon sail so that I could just see how things are. Well, at a little after 12 PM I got a phone call from my brother Sean. Seems he was relaying a message to me that a girl was trying to reach me. This was Carolyn. It may take me a while to explain about her so I'll just be brief. She has a power boat on the same dock as my boat. She is very attractive. Although her marriage ended about 5 years ago she is still going through a really messy divorce and custody fight. She had a boyfriend named Andy who died last year from cancer. She is unattached for the moment. If you go back to summer 2005 you will see we had a day that made me think she was interested in me but I gave up any of those thoughts because I think she just wanted attention. Well, last week I went to check on the boat and she was there doing more or less the same thing. We ended up sharing a bottle of wine and before going I said we should plan a day on her boat. I didn't really think that would happen. Okay, now it's Saturday and she was trying to call me and apparently does not have my number but knew to call my brother. Sean wouldn't give my number out but would get a message to me. I called her back right away. I considered telling Chris our plan was off and I could be alone with Carolyn. But after the disaster date with Tracy I figured I should not get any expectations. So I told her my friend Chris had to come or we couldn't go and she agreed to that. I keep looking back and wondering what would have happened because Carolyn seems to have this hot and cold thing that makes me want to get her alone just to see what happens. We ended up having a good day and I felt that is was good that there was someone else there to keep me from rushing into anything. We ended up hanging out until late and I kept hoping Chris would go home and Carolyn would stay. Well, Chris stayed and Carolyn left. You know I want to call her and see if there really is something there.Sunday was a full day on the water. I took Chris and his daughter out for a sail to celebrate father's day. We cooked out on the boat. It was actually a really fun relaxing day and was a good way to cap off the weekend. I am really just giving a fraction of how much I did this weekend. It's Monday and I'm looking forward to next weekend.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Back at the work desk. Same as yesterday. I am thinking I will finally make it back into the gym tonight. I think I am about over my cold. I probably need it if only for my self-esteem.There has been hardly any social contact with anyone for almost 2 weeks. Last night's big activity was going to the grocery store. Spent $100 there so obviously I'm stocked up for a while. If no one talks to me at least I can enjoy a nice dinner.I just do not feel like going to the bar anymore. I miss Coleen but if she's not even calling me anymore then what's the point of seeking her out, especially when she is making her life with the BF. It is liberating knowing she is out of the way finally.Whatever is next is still way over the horizon so I just will keep my eyes looking ahead and hold course. I need to focus on taking care of the little things like paying bills and staying healthy. Friends will need to wait.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Coming up on 9 AM and I am at my desk just like every work day since 1980. Such a grind but my biggest fear is what would happen if I wasn't working. It's pay day today and I just barely made it. At the end of the day yesterday I had less than $20 in my checking account. But all the bills that were due are paid and now the ones due in the next 10 days are in the mail and there is some money left over. But I do need to be thrifty. There will be no going out for anything expensive for at least the next month or so.I'm just about back to feeling better from being sick with a cold. Lisa checked in with me yesterday about going to the gym but I just wasn't up to it. Maybe Thursday although I'm not so optimistic. I want to relax a little.I haven't had the urge to seek anyone out for the last week or so and no one has reached out to me. In my mind I feel like I been pushing people away for a while so I'm looking at this as self-inflicted isolation. This actually makes me feel fine with it as it gives me a sense of control. How long that lasts is anybodies guess but I'm betting by Friday I will feel different.It's kind of odd having no one I can count on and yet only feel slightly lonely. It's as if I am now seeing myself alone as how it should be. I wonder if this will turn into a bad thing or a good thing. It is sort of leaving me with very little to write about. And I am not feeling very inspired. This too must pass.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

It's Saturday and I've not moved since I got home from work last night. It's not as if anyone has called looking for me. I'm not as sick as I thought I was but I definitely got something in my chest. To top everything off yesterday I ended up working later than usual. On a Friday yet.It's not my best time that's for sure.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I seem to have a head cold. And on one of the hottest days of the year. I guess I've been going from A/C to hot and back again and that must be making my immune system go a little crazy. I've been feeling tired and achy all week ... like I'd been to the gym except I haven't. So I am trying to take it easy although I have planned to do some serious work stuff with the boat this weekend. I may need to take a slower approach with I'm not sure I can go any slower.

I guess that's it for today. I doubt there will be much to write about the next day or two, unless I rant about how it sucks to be sick.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I know yesterday's post got kind of cut off in the middle. As I was writing things came up so I needed to just shut it down. As I may have been saying, my weekend was kind of the same old blah blah story. Went to the bar on Friday, went out to hear an outdoor concert on Saturday, saw Janet there, was home asleep by 11:30. My Sunday wasn't much either. My plans to take the boat away from the dock and finally sail it got side tracked by chores that are still not all done. My only real surprise was Roberta stopping down at the boat to say hello with her little grandson Owen, who is only just walking. It's nice to see the ice melting but I still wonder why I need to just be friends when I'm not really sure what the point is anymore. Between Roberta and Janet I was feeling very much squeezed and I am not letting that happen again.So now here it is Tuesday morning. I finally had a little down time at home last night. I had thoughts of doing laundry or just going down to the boat, but instead I just chilled at home. I peeked at FB and saw that Doreen has been ranting about men in her life. It was vague but she was going off on someone. I know it's not me because the last time she did that she said this was not about me. I'm a little sad since she did seem to like me but I think she needs to get what ever this is out of her system. I considered adding a comment but I thought better of it.

Monday, June 6, 2011

I needed to spend some time on a work project over the weekend but things being what they are I only got to it after dinner on Sunday night. No big deal. I ended up getting it done well before the deadline. Maybe I am a rally bad procrastinator but is feel like I had so much to do on the weekend I just couldn't get to it.I left work on Friday night a little mad because I got this task dumped on me and was really hoping to have time to do some outdoor activities. Well, I figured I would work it out as I go. Meanwhile Friday night turned into one of my more typical nights of seeing friends at the bar. I got there at about 7 which is kind of late as the people who work locally usually have a 2 hour head start and sometimes head out to other places before I even get my first drink. But it's to a point now where I'm always hoping someone new might show up so I look at that in as a positive. I did see Coleen there, with the BF. She mentioned something about having Indian food for dinner next week but I told her she needs to decide what day so I could plan my week. I know she never plans anything with me so I'm not expecting to see her. Besides she had already had too much to drink. Moving on. Nothing much of note on Friday occurred outside of that.Saturday morning Lisa called me early and I met her at the gym. She has gone from hating it to wanting to go as much as she can. She is on a weight watchers kick right now so she is all gung-ho about it. As much as I like her and I find her so attractive, she really has gained some weight over time . She has already lost close to 20 lbs. She still looks like a million $ but she will never look at me so I try not to dwell on it. It is nice to have someone there when I go to the gym that can push me a little. She called me to go again on Sunday but I don't do the gym more than once in a weekend.After the gym I headed for the boat and stopped at a garage sale on the way. Just something to do. I saw Janet there. I mentioned that I was planning to see the music down at the beach later that night. She said she would see me there. With that I spent the rest of the day doing my chores around the boat.One of the great things about my life now is my home, my boat and most of my friends are all in the same area. So I was able to cruise on home and get some food and pack a cooler and go see the music and if it sucked I could be home in 10 minutes. I get down to the beach and I saw Janet with her daughter Ali (she's on her 20's) and the daughter's BF Chris. I couldn't figure out if she wanted me to hang out with her or not so I basically did my own thing but would periodically go over and chat with her. She had been drinking some wine and I had the feeling she was a little past drunk. These are the times when I prefer not to be around Janet because one second she is talking to me and then she is off with someone else and I am left wondering if I am in the way or not. If she doesn't introduce me to whoever it is I usually figure I need to go. It's kind of an odd thing she does. I guess i can talk more about that later.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I am dealing with another crisis at work. I refuse to believe this is of my making. It seems there is a conversion to the next level of COBOL and I was given exactly 1 week to test and it is not working. Not only that but I have been thrown under the bus by the people who are supposed to be my support. I worked 3 hours late last night and accomplished exactly nothing. Because I am still stuck with a program that works in the old version and not working in the new one. The cut-over to the new version occurs on Monday and if I am not able to fix the problem I may just be sent home.With that I cancelled my plans last night to go to the gym. It may only be my perception but I feel like I am 100 lbs. heavier. Not a good day to look in the mirror and start thinking about the beach, which by the way, we have perfect weather for.Things need to get better at this job or I may have a new "I need a job" blog.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Sunset was spent down at the boat last night. It had to be a total "me" moment since I have no one who wants to share it with me. For the moment I am fine with that. The sun went down with a nice orange color and I just relaxed as I'd done all the I had set out to do. The boat is now ready for sailing and I even got the engine started just to keep it ready. It ran for about 20 minutes and getting it out into the bay will be my next thing. I needed to get to the grocery store so i couldn't do it last night although if someone had showed up I would have gladly blown off the weekly shop for some time on the water.My "to do" list is still a long way from being finished but as things get done I feel more ready for summer. I just wish I had some kind of social activity to look forward to. If it's just going to be me I may as well make the best of it. Tonight I will continue my regular visits to the gym. Sometime I wonder if anyone like me ever meets anyone in a gym setting. I mean let's face it, I am not the guy a woman sees at the gym and thinks "this is what I've been looking for". Then there is a the fact that I pretty much just go and do my workout without very much interaction except for if Lisa shows up. Still, it is something I'll continue to do since no one will come knocking on my door and it is the one thing I can do to keep myself in a relatively good state of health.Yesterday was Tuesday and my grocery store offers a discount coupon for senior citizens. I don't qualify but it is hard to believe I will in less than 3 months. It was bad enough I started getting AARP stuff in the mail as soon as I turned 50 but now I am considered a senior citizen. How is it I can go to the gym and do the same workout I did when I was in my 20's and then be a senior? I am not ready for the rocking chair.

About Me

I'm Mike. This is my story, both good and bad. I try to be as
truthful as I can but I also want to keep it worth reading. I could
tell you that if my life becomes a movie it would get a PG rating in an
R rated world.