John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

When our parent[s] dies when we are very young, we're left with constant wondering of how it might have been. (Published 9/8/2015)

Q:

My mother died when I was 2 years old. It’s been 20 years since she’s been gone, and as each year goes by, it just gets harder dealing with the pain of not growing up with her in my life. She was 20 years old when she died, and I’ve already out-lived her. What is a good way to deal with the pain? I understand and accept that she is gone, I just don’t know how to deal with it.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Samantha,

Thanks for your note and question.

It’s clear to us that you have accepted and adapted to your mother’s death, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re “emotionally complete” with her death.

For the most part, you probably don’t have any conscious memories of your mom, although you may have pictures and stories that others have told you about her.

What you do have is a young lifetime of wondering about who she was and what it would have been like to have her in your life. And even now, since you’re still very young, wondering what it would be like to have her to talk to and guide you, etc.

We’d recommend that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. It will help you become emotionally complete with all the things that never got to happen because she died before you got to know her. As you do the work the book asks of you, the pain will diminish and you’ll be able to have your life be less restricted by what never got to be.