The Top 10 Concerns of JMU Students

The CSDC staff work with JMU students every day so we
understand just how challenging college life can be. University
students are often juggling several responsibilities and the up-hill battle to get everything done can
lead to significant stress, particularly during crunch times like
mid-terms and finals.

Based on the results of a recent survey, here are the top 10
concerns reported by JMU students and some suggestions to effectively
address them. The Counseling Center can assist students in dealing with every problem in this Top 10 (well, we can't pay your bills...). Our services are free,
voluntary, and confidential.

#1. Handling stress and anxiety

The issue:

A certain amount of stress is actually a good thing. Stress
keeps us focused, aware of all of our responsibilities, and motivated
to do what needs to be done. At times, however, all of us experience
too much stress and/or do not have the proper strategies for dealing
effectively with this stress.

There are several signs of stress overload. Symptoms can be
divided into physical and behavioral indicators. Review the following
checklist to determine if you are experiencing any of these symptoms.
Should you find that many of these symptoms describe your current
state, you may be experiencing symptoms of stress overload.

Avoid and/or try not to think about stress producing situations in hopes that they will go away by themselves.

Lash out and take your feelings out on others.

But try these instead:

Assess your priorities. By knowing what is of primary and
secondary importance, you can order your activities and expectations
in light of your energy on a given day. A structure to follow makes it
easier to engage in daily tasks, as the stress of trying to remember
what you should be doing is eliminated.

Practice. If you know that presentations make you nervous
or that a certain subject petrifies you, prepare yourself to deal with
the situation before it occurs. Practice is essential. By envisioning
the stressful condition and acting out your reaction to anticipated
stressors, you can become better prepared for the actual event.

Develop realistic expectations. If you did not study
adequately for an exam, rarely attended class, and infrequently turned
in homework assignments, it may not be realistic to expect a top grade
on a test. A key problem in this area is perfectionism. Stress is
highly anticipated if you feel a need to produce 'perfectly' on a
consistent basis, try to be someone you are not, or become inflexible
with your priorities.

Accept change as a part of life. Stress often results
when we struggle to "bend" things our way or maintain the status quo.
Sometimes the healthiest approach is accepting certain changes as out
of our control and moving forward with our lives.

Develop a support system. A feeling of aloneness often
makes feelings of stress especially intense. Having close people
(friends, family) who know and care about you can provide a sense of
comfort and security that will help to mitigate your experience of
stress.

Should you discover that you need assistance in managing
the stress in your life, you may want to come in and speak to a
counselor at the Counseling & Student Development Center. Many
individuals report that the simple experience of speaking with someone
trained to listen can be both a release and a relief. In addition, the
counselors at the CSDC can share with you physical, behavioral, and
mental techniques that can increase your ability to handle stress and
anxiety.

#2. Procrastination

The issue:

Just like older adults, college students often prefer to put
off the unpleasant things in life until the last possible moment.
Unfortunately, students frequently find their coursework unpleasant,
and they fall behind in their classes and then scramble to catch up as
midterms and finals approach. Sometimes it takes feedback in the form
of bad grades for a semester to teach the hard lesson of paying now
and playing later.

Procrastination is putting off until tomorrow what you should
have done yesterday. It is a strategy to cope with situations that
produce fear and anxiety. College students procrastinate because of:

Poor time management, often caused by uncertainty about your priorities, goals and objectives.

Difficulty concentrating. Concentration issues often take
the form of daydreaming, staring into space, worrying about
personal problems, etc. A noisy, cluttered, unorganized,
distracting environment makes it difficult to maintain a focus on the
task at hand.

Fear and anxiety. You may be overwhelmed with the task
and afraid of getting a failing grade. You may think that if you fail
an exam, you, as a person, are a failure, rather than that you are
a perfectly ok person who has failed an exam. As a result,
you spend a great deal of time worrying about your upcoming exams,
papers and projects, rather than completing them.

Negative self-talk. Thoughts like "I'll never succeed
at this" and "I don't have what it takes to do this well" may
stop you from getting things done.

Finding a task boring.

Unrealistic expectations and perfectionism. You may believe that you must
read everything ever written on a subject before you can begin to
write your paper. Similarly, you may think that you haven't done
the best you possibly could do, so it's not good enough to hand in.

You might be tempted to:

Wait until you "feel like doing it" or "the right moment".

Do an easier or more enjoyable task instead of the task that needs to be done.

Overestimate your ability to do quality work in a pinch.

But try these instead:

Don't wait until you are "in the mood". There is no perfect time, so stop waiting for it.

Use a wall calendar or monthly planner. Write in each deadline (exams, papers, projects, etc.) on the day it is due.

Make sure you are clear about what is expected for each task. If you are unclear, ask your instructor to clarify.

Prioritize your tasks. Start with the task with the closest deadline or the one most urgent to complete.

Break large tasks into small goals. This makes those
difficult tasks seem obtainable. For example, A ten page paper can be
broken into several goals:

Determine a topic

Gather research

Read the research

Make an outline of the paper

Write the paper

Proof the paper and turn it in

Minimize distractions while working.

Organize your workspace.

Only use the computer for task at hand (no Facebook!).

Go to the library if you're unable to concentrate in your room.

Schedule in breaks so you don't burn out or work inefficiently (i.e. no longer than one hour before taking a short break).

Be realistic and don't aim for perfection.

Keep reminding yourself that you CAN do it! Think of strategies that worked before when you were successful and use them now.

#3. Trouble handling money wisely

The issue:

Because of the rapidly rising cost of a college education,
student borrowing for educational purposes has reached unprecedented
national levels, more than doubling in recent years. Students often
attempt to bridge the gap between the money they need and the money they
have by working hours that approach a full-time job (to the detriment
of their academic work) and accumulating credit debt of thousands of
dollars. Even for those who may be receiving money from home,
budgeting, managing a bank account, and discriminating between "wants"
and "needs" are often new concepts to students, and mistakes are
expected but come with a high cost.

You might be tempted to:

Call the credit card companies and ask for them to raise your credit limit.

Donate plasma for financial, rather than humanitarian, purposes.

Rely on your parents to bail you out when things get totally out of control.

But try these instead:

Use credit cards sparingly. For financially responsible
students, credit cards are a great way to establish a solid credit
history. For those who spend impulsively, credit cards are a
great way for students to wreck their financial future. Remember,
unlike money that comes from home, credit is a loan that has to be
repaid. Your credit history follows you for up to seven years
and may be reviewed by potential employers and will definitely be
reviewed when you apply for a car loan or house mortgage. Guidelines
for appropriate credit card use include:

Watch the interest rates. The low introductory rate you are
quoted when you sign up will often climb above 20% within the first
few months.

Get a card with a low credit limit (i.e. the total amount
that the credit card company allows you to charge on your card). Each
time the credit card company tries to get you to spend more by
increasing your credit limit, tell them no thanks.

Don't use a credit card for routine living expenses or
entertainment purposes. A good rule of thumb is: If you can eat it,
drink it, or wear it, don't charge it. Use cash or a debit card
(which takes money out of your checking account) for these expenses.

Have a plan. The best way to manage your money over a
semester is to map out a budget. List both sources of income
(e.g. funds from your parents, scholarships, loans, money from
summer jobs) and expenses (e.g. tuition, books, food). Give
yourself a limit for each week, and stick to it. Keep track
of spending, too, because a budget means nothing if you don't know
how much you're actually laying out.

Keep an eye out for free money. While it will require a
little initiative and effort up front, there are tons of
scholarships available to JMU students. To see what is available,
go to http://www.jmu.edu/finaid/scholarships/. If you have a shot for one or more scholarships, apply.

Leave the car back home. Cars are expensive (e.g. gas,
maintenance, parking, etc). Use the buses that constantly run
through campus.

Get the most out of your Duke Card. Rather than paying a
restaurant bill, use your meal plan swipes to take advantage of
campus dining options that are consistently rated in the nation's
top ten for "great campus food." Cutting out a few fast food
bills each week will save you over $1,000 over the course of a year
(Are five trips a week to Starbucks really necessary?). Further,
take advantage of all the free activities that take place on
campus (e.g. UREC, movies, athletic events, speakers).

Get a work-study position or a part-time job with
tips. Some work-study positions may be related to your major and
provide practical experience towards your future career. The
tips that come with some jobs (e.g., waiting tables) will often exceed
the hourly wage.

Avoid the tax on stupidity. Parking tickets are a high
price to pay for not reading the signs and following the rules.
Return your library books and rented DVDs and pay your bills on
time so that you avoid the "stupidity tax" that comes in the form
of late fees.

When you get in a hole, stop digging. As soon as you
find yourself unable to meet your credit card payments or other
bills, reach out for help from a professional credit counselor
and/or a family member or friend. The longer you put it
off, the worse things will get.

#4. Feeling better about my body and how I look

The issue:

Although most students (and older adults) experience
dissatisfaction with parts of their body on occasion, many students
have a distorted perception of their physical appearance and worry
obsessively about how to change the shape of their bodies. Individuals
with a distorted body image misperceive parts of their body (e.g., some
body parts look larger than they are in reality), feel ashamed and
self-conscious about their body, and compare themselves to others who
they believe have the "perfect" (usually unattainable) body.

Numerous factors likely contribute to students'
dissatisfaction with their bodies. For example, messages from the media
and even from family and peers can create insecurities about
appearance and a desire for a "perfect" body in both men and women
alike. Although a distorted body image is more common in college
women, college men also report dissatisfaction with their bodies.
While women typically strive to be as thin as possible, men usually
associate their attractiveness with increased muscle definition and are
concerned about body shape.

You might be tempted to:

Try to eat zero grams of fat

Exercise excessively

Diet like crazy two weeks before spring break

Weigh yourself one or more times a day

Give up and allow your self-worth to continue to be determined by numbers on a scale

But try these instead:
While we may all have days we feel dissatisfied or
uncomfortable in our bodies, it is important to appreciate and respect
our bodies and disconnect body image from self-worth. Here are some
suggestions to help you to experience your body in a more positive and
accepting way:

View social and media messages about appearance
critically.Question assumptions made by marketing ads and TV shows
and films that imply that one has to be "attractive" to be happy
and successful. Challenge the truthfulness of images that depict
men and women without any physical flaws. Seek out and show
support for media images that promote positive messages about
differences in body shape.

Stop criticizing yourself in the mirror.The
body you see in the mirror maintains and nourishes your life on
this planet. It is the greatest tool you'll ever own. Treat it
with the respect and love it deserves. Recognize that our bodies
come in many different shapes and sizes and focus on the things
you love about your body.

Think about all of the things you are missing out on with the time and energy spent on worrying about your body.Don't let your body shape concerns prevent you from participating in activities you love.

Refuse to accept criticism from anyone about your
bodyâ€”including yourself! Challenge any negative thoughts you may have
about your body with positive affirmations.Tell others that body
criticism has a very negative effect on self-esteem, and that it
poisons the trust and security in your relationship.

Find friends who are not overly concerned or critical about weight or appearances. Surround yourself with positive people who appreciate you and your inner strengths.

Wear clothes that make you feel good about your body
and reflect your personal style. Learn to appreciate the way your
favorite clothes feel and look on you.

Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it
regularly. Learn to see exercise as a great way to improve your
health and strength instead of a way to "control" or "fight" your
body. Take time to appreciate the positive changes in your
emotional and physical well-being when you exercise (i.e., feeling
happier, more energized).

Read something other than the popular media. The following books provide a good start:

Transforming Body Image by Marcia Germaine Hutchins

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

Body Traps by Judith Rodin

Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher

Seek Professional Help. The staff at
James Madison University's Counseling and Student
Development Center is able to appropriately guide you to the most
appropriate services addressing your concerns. That may include
participation in a group, workshop, or a referral for individual
counseling either at the CSDC or with a community therapist.

#5. Confusion about my academic major and/or career

The issue:

College students often possess a wide variety of academic
interests and skills, making the process of choosing an academic major
and/or career path feel overwhelming. It is normal for students to be
confused about their choice of a major and a career, especially during
their freshman and sophomore years. On average, students change their
major two or three times before finally deciding upon an area of
study.

Factors which can add to the difficulty of this decision making process include:

Conflicting expectations and feedback from family,
friends, and professors as to the best major and career for the student.

Personal pressure to "get it right", because choices now must be lived with forever.

Fear of not being financially successful.

Fear of being unhappy in a career.

You might be tempted to:

Make a career decision immediately and stick to it even if you don't find it satisfying.

Listen to and be influenced by other's ideas as to what is best for you with little or no self-exploration.

Go for the money. Choose a major or career based solely on a desire for the most lucrative career.

But try these instead:

Visit the Career and Academic Planning web site at www.jmu.edu/cap/ and click on "Choosing a Major/Career" to view all the resources available to you.

Explore your personal values and how they will be
reflected in your career aspiration. What matters more to you?
Money? Intellectual challenge? Helping others? Family?
Geographic location? How will these values influence your
decision of a major and a career?

Explore your academic interests, abilities, and
skills. Review your previous work experiences and the parts of
those experiences you liked and those you didn't. (CAP paragraph)

Take introductory courses in subjects that interest
you (or that are totally new to you) to explore fields of study
and majors/careers they offer. Introductory courses are general
in nature and provide a good overview to what is studied in the
major. In addition, many introductory courses fulfill General
Education requirements.

Investigate careers that might interest you and the
kinds of academic/experiential backgrounds required for success in
them.

Talk to people. Ask your professors what prompted
their interest in their subject area. Ask people in the work
place what they like and dislike about their careers.

Remind yourself that the job market is constantly
changing, and the career you will have ten years after graduation
probably does not exist yet. Most people change careers two or
three times in their life to accommodate their wide spectrum of
abilities, interests and needs, as well as the evolving job
market.

#6. Feeling more self-confident

The issue:

College is a time when students are growing into adulthood,
and they commonly have doubts about their ability to succeed (e.g.,
academically, socially, etc.). A lack of self-confidence is so intense
for some that they are discouraged from even attempting new and/or
challenging tasks. However, self-confidence typically comes through
the hard process of meeting life's challenges and achieving important
goals.

Self-confidence and popularity are frequently confused in
college students. For example, the least popular person may have high
self-confidence because s/he is comfortable and happy with whom s/he is
as a person. Conversely, more popular people may continually need
positive feedback from others to shore up a very fragile sense of
self-confidence.

You might be tempted to:

Avoid engaging in new things outside your comfort zone.

Use alcohol and/or drugs to bolster courage in social situations.

Take on the style, appearance, and values of those you envy.

But try these instead:

Be clear about what you want to achieve in life. Set goals and work for their achievement.

Be positive about yourself as often as you can.
Remind yourself about your good qualities, your accomplishments,
and your contributions.

Work against the human tendency to compare yourself
with others. Instead, focus your efforts on fulfilling your
potential.

Develop the ability to accept constructive criticism
without getting overly upset or defensive. This feedback will provide
you valuable information about how others experience you that you
can use to improve yourself. At the same time, don't allow
yourself to be overwhelmed by criticism that is cynical or meant to
lower your self-esteem.

Avoid "sinking ship" individuals who criticize, nit
pick, and bring you down with them. If you find yourself in a
situation where you must deal with individuals with a negative
outlook, confront them on the matter.

Accept the fact that you will fail from time to time.
When you fail, simply acknowledge that you have been unsuccessful and
consider what you might do differently the next time. Such an
attitude will normally help you overcome the most difficult
challenges.

Develop the courage and skills to approach groups of
people and introduce yourself to them. Listen carefully and attentively
to what they say and respond to show your interest.

Self-esteem is dependent upon the feeling of
well-being, so take good care of your body. Remember, a healthy body is
essential for a healthy mind!

#7. Feeling depressed

The issue:

"Why am I so bummed out? I can't get motivated! I don't care anymore!" Sound familiar?

Depression in college students is very common and is more than
the blues or the normal everyday ups and downs. When the "down" mood,
along with other symptoms, lasts for more than a couple of weeks, the
condition may be clinical depression. Some common symptoms include
the following:

Surrendering to a pervasive negative view of yourself, the world around you, and your future.

But try these instead:

Get out of bed. One of the most important things you can do
is get up at about the same time every morning, including weekends.
Such regularity helps your body function more optimally and will help
you feel normal.

Lights. Light helps your body function better. Turn on a lot of lights or go outdoors into the sunshine as often as you can.

Build structure into your day. Set small daily goals and stick to them.

Put pleasure and fun into each day. Treat yourself to
something that you will enjoy and that will require you to expend some
energy.

Music. Incorporate some energetic, happy music throughout your day. Remember to select music that is positive and uplifting.

Rather than bottling them up inside, allow yourself to
experience your emotions. Keep a journal of your feelings and thoughts.
If you need to cry, do so. If you are angry, find a safe way to
express that anger.

Seek out humor. See a funny movie, read a humorous book, or listen to a comedy DVD.

Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself in a kind and caring
way; challenge any negative self talk or messages that you may be
giving yourself. Stick with what you know is true, is real, and is
observable, rather that jumping to conclusions or making assumptions.
Do not focus on the negative; focus on your positive experiences.

Develop and utilize a support system. One
of the quickest ways to beat depression is to interact with others.
Surround yourself with positive, supportive, encouraging, and uplifting
people. You might not feel like doing that - you'd rather avoid
people when depressed. However, you are likely to realize how rapidly
your mood lifts when you surround yourself with people who care about
you.

Get professional help. If symptoms of depression persist,
talking with a counselor or psychologist may lessen the severity and
duration of depression. Additionally, you may learn skills for
solving problems, improving interactions with others, and helping you
see the positive side of yourself, others, and your circumstances.
Medication may also be helpful.

Remember, no one tip or combination works for everyone. So, experiment to see what works for you.

#8. Fearing that I will be a failure

The issue:

Many students have an unrealistic belief that every decision
they make and everything they accomplish (or do not accomplish) has
incredibly long-lasting, effects that cannot be altered. No mistakes,
or their life is ruined. The fear can be grades, romantic
relationships, getting into social groups (e.g., sororities and
fraternities), disappointing parents, or a host of other areas. Some
students believe that if the "right" decision is not made, or the
"right" choices are not followed, then they will be a failure with
little hope for a bright, positive future. This can feel overwhelming
and discouraging, especially if the student has no one with whom to
share these feelings.

You might be tempted to:

Avoid stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things in which you are not assured of success.

Devote excessive amounts of time and energy, beyond what's reasonably required to attain a goal.

Believe a failure equals being a failure.

Continue with a "no mistakes, no failures" approach to life.

But try these instead:

Determine the real fear. For instance, if fears are
related to academics, one might consider asking the following questions:
Am I afraid of failing a class because of my parents' reactions or
that I will receive criticism from friends? Do I believe that an
academic failure may change the course of my life and leave no hope for
the future?" If fears are related to relationships, questions might
include: Am I afraid of being alone? Do I need these relationships to
validate my worth?"

Confide in a trustworthy adult, parent, professor,
counselor, or advisor. This will assist in getting a healthier
perspective on the fear and provide support from people who value you.
These people can also offer some suggestions or alternative ways of
viewing the fear that may prove helpful.

Set realistic expectations. Whatever the fear is, break
it down into tasks or experiences that may make things feel more
doable. For instance, if the fear is of academic failure in a class,
break down the assignments into reasonable blocks of time and perhaps
get a trusted friend to help schedule your time.

Seek out any support services which may be available on
campus. The Learning Resource Centers located in Wilson and Roop Halls
provide assistance to students in a variety of academic areas.

Imagine trying to overcome the problem and falling short of
the goal (failing). Then figure what the worst consequences would be
and what could be done about them. If the worst does happen, you're at
least prepared.

Give yourself extra chances. If you're not pleased with
one outcome, review what you've learned from the experience. Decide if
this task, relationship, or goal is really what you want, and institute
what you've learned with the next chance. An example of this might be
the baseball team whose slogan is, "Wait till next year." Eventually
their continued effort will pay off.

Have something to fall back on. Know what your
emotional/spiritual resources are. Be aware of what gives your life
meaning. Seek people or organizations which share your values as a
support and validation of your worth.

Remind yourself that truly successful people not only fail
but are normally quite good at failing. In fact, one key to success is
learning to fail well â€“ to experience the consequences of failure,
to confront the responsibilities, and to develop additional coping
mechanisms â€“ and to realize one has survived. There is truth to the
old proverb: "He, who never makes mistakes, never makes anything."

Do you have trouble saying no, even when you really should?
Do you feel like people walk all over you? Alternatively, do you have
trouble keeping your temper under control? Many college students find
it difficult to express their feelings honestly and openly because
they lack assertiveness.

Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that does not infringe on the rights of others. Assertiveness is not
aggression. Aggression is self-enhancing behavior at the expense of
others (i.e. others' rights and feelings are ignored and/or violated).
In contrast, assertiveness is a middle ground between being a doormat
and a bully.

You might be tempted to:

Continue to refuse to "make waves" and focus on pleasing and/or deferring to the desires and needs of others.

Avoid people and situations that make you uncomfortable.

Persist with the hope that others will read you mind and then act to meet all of your unspoken needs.

Allow frustrations ("I'm such a wimp!") and negative
emotions to build up and then either direct them inward (resulting
in feelings of depression, helplessness and being out of control
of your life) or at others (e.g., exploding in an angry rage).

Settle for shallow relationships in which emotions
(both negative and positive) are not expressed and important
issues are not discussed.

But try these instead:

Consciously take responsibility for yourself and avoid
taking responsibility for others. You have a right to your
opinions and decisions.

Learn to discriminate between something that is your problem from something that is their problem.

Recognize yes/no questions. When you are asked a yes/no
question respond with a yes/no answer. You do not need to
elaborate upon or justify any response you give. A simple
"no" is enough, without excuses.

Pay attention to the language that you use.

Practice using the phrase, "I choose to . . ." to replace statements that use "should", "ought to", and "have to".

Use the broken record technique: repetition of a
simple statement of fact (e.g., "I am not available at 2:00, our
original time is better for me").

When involved in a disagreement with another person, avoid
using "You" statements that might cause the other person to feel
accused and blamed, thus resulting in a defensive response. Instead,
use "I" statements that allow you to express your views in a way that
the other person can more easily accept (e.g. "I feel ...", "I think
...", "I experience ...").

#10. Knowing what to do to help a friend with a serious problem

The issue:

Counselors are not normally the first people students turn to
when they have problems. Students most often initially reach out to
friends, resident assistants, advisors, faculty, and family members,
confiding in those closest to them when they are having difficulties.
At other times, students attempt to hide their problems and struggles
from those who care about them and, if approached, may deny that
anything is wrong. In either case, here are some signs to look for and
suggestion for helping a friend with a serious problem.

Appearing disoriented or "out of it" (e.g., less aware of
what is going on around them, more forgetful, rambling or disconnected
in their speech, and/or demonstrate behavior that seems out of context
or bizarre)

Talking about committing suicide (ranging from vague
statements like "Everyone would be better off without me" and "It won't
matter soon" to direct and clear statements like "I'm going to kill
myself")

Get overly involved and assume the responsibility for solving the person's problem.

Disclose the person's problem to others who don't have the skills and ability to actually help the person.

But try these instead:

Speak directly to the person about your concerns,
preferably in a private place. People in distress are almost always
receptive to an expression of genuine interest, caring, and concern.
It's important to realize that confronting someone doesn't mean
judging, attacking, or blaming the person; it means finding the courage
to talk with them about what you've noticed, your concerns, and your
willingness to help.

Talk about why you are approaching the person and what you
hope will and won't happen as a result. Example: "I'm really worried
about how sad and depressed you've been. I'm worried that talking to
you about this might hurt our friendship, or that you'll just blow me
off, but I really want to find a way to help you start to feel better."

Be specific about the behaviors you've observed that have
caused your concern. Clearly stating your observations in a
nonjudgmental way makes it more difficult for the person to deny that a
problem exists and also lets the person know that you care enough to
notice. Example: "The last two weeks, you've stopped going to class,
you've been drinking nearly every night, you're blowing off friends who
are trying to reach out to you, and I've seen you trying to hold back
tears on a bunch of occasions.

Express your feelings about the person's situation.
Example: "I'm really worried abut you, and it's hard for me when you
push me away and won't accept my help. I'm scared to talk openly with
you, because it seems like you don't believe you have a problem and you
might flip out on me if I honestly let you know how I feel."

Recognize the value of emotional release and encourage the
person to "talk it out." Simply talking about the situation and
knowing that someone cares can be tremendously healing.

Ask direct questions. Don't be afraid to ask the person
directly if they are drunk, confused, or have thoughts of harming
themselves or someone else. You will not be "putting ideas into their
heads" by doing so. Most distressed students will be relieved and
comforted by such and up-front, direct approach.

Be a good listener. Listening to the person is more
important than coming up with the "right thing" to say. Even if you
don't agree with his or her view of things, the important part is that
the person feels heard and understood. A few helpful tips include:

Stop talking. Your objective is to listen, not solve the person's problems.

Ask open-ended questions that encourage the person to go
further into the subject, rather than simply give a yes/no answer
(e.g., "Tell me more about . . .," "How have you been feeling since
that happened to you?").

Check out your understanding of what the student is saying. In your own words, reflect back what they said.

Don't dismiss the person's perspective. What may seem
like a temporary or insignificant issue to you may feel momentous and
overwhelming to a person in distress. It may be helpful for you to
reflect upon a time in your own life when you experienced something
similar (remember when your heart was broken for the first time?).

Avoid labeling the person or the person's behavior. For
example, don't say "You're an alcoholic" or "You're bulimic." Such
labels, even if they are true, can frighten or anger the person and
reduce the chances that they'll acknowledge and address the problem.

Frame the decision to seek and accept help as a courageous,
mature choice. Suggest that a willingness to seek and accept
assistance from others, including a counselor, indicates that the person
is not running away from problems. This is an especially important
for guys, as men in our society are encouraged to be independent, keep
feelings to themselves, and solve problems on their own.

Don't dispense glib advice. While offered with the best
of intentions, phrases like "time heals all wounds", "when life hands
you lemons, make lemonade", and "this to shall pass" normally cause
people in distress to feel misunderstood and as though their problems
are being minimized.

Offer alternatives and establish hope. Intense emotional
pain frequently blinds distressed people to alternative solutions to
their problems. Help the person develop a plan and locate needed
resources so that he or she can start to feel more hopeful and begin to
act to improve the situation.

Know your own limits. While you may be able to help most
people by simply listening to them and providing a little support and
guidance, others may require much more than you may want or be able to
provide. Signs that you may be over-extending yourself include feeling
stressed out or overwhelmed by the situation, feeling angry at or
afraid of the person, and having thoughts of "adopting" or otherwise
rescuing the person.

Respect the person's privacy, but only up to a point.
Confidentiality is vital for trust, so you typically should not share
with others what the person has shared with you. However, you must
never fall into the "confidentiality trap". In situations involving a
serious risk of harm to the person or someone else, don't promise to
keep secrets. Despite any protest ("You're making this worse!"), the
potential risks must be your first concern. Point out the bind in which
the person is placing you (e.g., "If someone came to you with a
situation like this, what would you do? Keep it a secret or get them
help?").

Recommend that the person meet with a counselor at the
CSDC. Describe the benefits of counseling. Let the person know that
counselors work hard to understand students, to see things from their
point of view, and to then collaboratively help them to figure out
solutions. Remind him/her that counseling services are free,
voluntary, and confidential.

Help the person make an appointment with the CSDC
(568-6552). If the person is really upset, or if you're worried that
he or she might not follow through, suggest making an appointment right
then and there. Some faculty, staff, and friends even escort students
directly to Varner House when that level of support is necessary.

Follow up with the person. The counseling process is often
most difficult at the very beginning, and your encouragement may help
to get the person over this initial hurdle. Ask how the first
appointment went (you don't need the details, just that they connected
with someone). Please remember that, because of confidentiality
constraints, counselors cannot talk with you about a person you have
referred without a written release.

Call the CSDC (568-6552) if, at any point, you aren't sure
what to do. The mental health professionals at the CSDC located in
Varner House are available to support and guide you in your efforts to
help a distressed student. We will consult with you about the situation
and help you to develop a plan to appropriately address it.