Spanking’s ‘Big Leap’

Sharon Jayson recently had an article published discussing the potential association between spanking or other forms of physical punishment and risky sexual behavior, referring to an analysis of four studies by Murray Straus, co-director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire-Durham presented Thursday to the American Psychological Association.

Straus suggests if you spank your children they are more likely to develop inappropriate sexual behaviors later on, “though it’s not a one-to-one causation.” Straus, according to the article, says that he did spank his own children a few times, but has since rejected spanking as an appropriate discipline tactic for children. Spanking children isn’t a popular form of discipline in American culture today, nearly across the board. That, however, is not what is so surprising about Jayson’s article and Straus’ research. The surprising aspect is spanking’s possible link to risky sexual behavior, including premarital sex, and aggressive sexual behavior.

Jayson does point out, quoting human sexuality researcher, John DeLamater of the University of Wisconsin, that “linking sexual problems with spanking is a ‘big leap’ . . . It’s probably one of many elements that might contribute to sex problems or risky sex, but it’s a long leap.” Also, Robert Larzelere of Oklahoma State University adds, “The literature on effectiveness of spanking to correct behavior is still ‘very mixed’ . . . [and] like any discipline tactic, it depends on how it’s used.”

Now, I do not doubt the credibility of Straus’ research. It certainly makes sense that children who experience a particular instance of abuse will later struggle with related behavioral problems. However, spanking isn’t the culprit for risky and aggressive sexual behavior. It is not a one-to-one causation, as Straus says. DeLamater’s point that it may be “one of many elements that might contribute to sex problems” is key to the issue of spanking, and the fact it is a “long leap” to attribute these risky or aggressive sexual behaviors principally to spanking should make it obvious that the real issue is bigger than spanking.

If risky and aggressive sexual behavior may be linked to spanking, it is certainly the abuse of spanking that is to blame, as Larzelere puts it, not the spanking itself. Now, I am not a father yet. I was spanked as a child when I did things that warranted that kind of discipline. But I am not claiming experiential, first-hand credibility that spanking is necessary for a child’s well-being. However, the Bible does tell us that parents should discipline their children if they love them. Jesus tells us, “Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent” (Rev. 3:19). That is parenting 101. If you love your children, you will reprove and discipline them when they need it so that they will stop doing those things. In fact, Prov. 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (cf. 22:15, 23:13-14). We don’t need new-age, modern methods of reproof and punishment in order to love our children and steer them away from harmful behaviors. Spanking still works.

I said earlier, spanking isn’t the culprit; it is the abuse of spanking that is to blame. That means, ultimately, bad parenting is to blame if there is a link to be made between spanking abuse and the tendency for those who have been spanked to develop risky and aggressive sexual behaviors. Therefore, when a parent abuses their child, they go to jail. The results of abuse are heartbreaking. However, I would like to make the point that parents who do not discipline their children, who allow their children to do whatever they want no matter how badly they behave, are equally as bad as parents who physically abuse their children. In no way is it right for a parent to withhold discipline from their child when their child’s behavior warrants a spanking. That is not loving parenting.

Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians, has some excellent advice for children and their fathers. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:1-4). Children need to obey their parents, and when they disobey they need to be disciplined that it may go well with them when they are adults. At the same time, fathers need to know that the manner in which they spank or discipline their children should not provoke them to anger. There is a way in which parents can show their children they love them by disciplining them when they misbehave that also causes them to stop doing some of those things for their own good. I am happy my parents loved me enough to reprove my behavior, even with spanking. I learned things quickly when there were consequences for my behavior. It also helped me to better understand why God the Father reproves and disciplines his children by his grace and for his glory, and therefore, for our joy.

I think the headline of Jayson’s article is highly suspect! The studies went far beyond spanking and yet in the title of the article only spanking is linked to future sexual problems. Jayson reports:

“The analysis of four studies by Murray Straus, co-director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire-Durham, suggests that children whose parents spanked, slapped, hit or threw objects at them may have a greater chance of physically or verbally coercing a sexual partner, engaging in risky sexual behavior or engaging in masochistic sex, including sexual arousal by spanking.”

This is poor journalism–as the headline fails to include the fact that included in this study were abusive acts of slapping, hitting, and throwing objects!

I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment Kevin, the correlation is between abuse and future sexual problems and this study doesn’t prove that spanking, when properly conducted, isn’t good for the child!

Hey Drew, you’re right about Jayson’s article. It was obviously titled to pull in interest for her article. If she didn’t title it that way, you can be sure the editors at USA Today did. Anyway, I posted this at work so I didn’t have much time to properly link everything, so I’m about to do that now.

Sorry to spoil the thermometer. I subscribe to the links from Mohler’s radio program, so that is how I heard about the article. I think I’ll probably make a habit of commenting on articles that grab my interest like this. It is ideal for blogging because it helps with coming up with content.

I hope you agree with this statement (I imagine it is controversial): “I would like to make the point that parents who do not discipline their children, who allow their children to do whatever they want no matter how badly they behave, are equally as bad as parents who physically abuse their children.”

All I can say is I’m a 48 year old farmer who got spanked by my mother as a child and I only got help in the last year for the odd desire of having erotic thoughts at being spanked. That’s the masochistic sexual feelings this research was suggesting. I’m in therapy today for a psychological dissociation of my trauma which I do by having masochistic desires. A year ago once I learned what a spanking fetish was I came clean after living with this desire since about my early teens. The work spanking or concept is erotic for me. Once my wife started to indulge in an experimental way this act my old childhood traumas were completely brought back to my consciousness. The core trauma is extreme humiliation at having my body ritually exposed including my genitals to my mother for the spanking. She’s dead now some years but these violated feelings have my feel like I like to hit her and harm her yet today! My memories are one of a sense of sexual humiliation and my memory is that my mother struggled to hide her amusement sadistic pleasure in producing those humiliation feelings in me at the time. I was a very sensitive shy kid who got punished even sometimes for innocent accidents. The trauma is real is some kids. Spanking as a one size fits all punishment for kids WILL permanently damage a few of them. Do you really wish to mess with your future kids sexuality! I’m sharing this with you as a real story of what can happen. My therapists says my masochistic feelings will be with me the rest of my life. My wife is unhappy knowing I have these needs in my sexuality. It’s hurt our marriage and I wish I’d never had told her. Please reconsider your desire to use corporal punishment to punish your kids. There are many other ways to punish children that keep their future happy sexuality and dignity intact! Thanks for listening.

Sorry Kev, lost your feed when you moved to Blogger I guess. Haven’t been getting updates. I’ll correct my RSS Reader.

I read this on FoxNEWS a few weeks ago. It’s interesting, I whole heartedly agree that the article was misrepresented, but one titled “Child Abuse leads to future sexual problems” is old news and not worth reporting.

There’s two issues here, discipline and abuse. I don’t think I have to labor the opinion that abuse causes problems but what people no longer understand is that there is a line between the two. I don’t believe spanking is the catch-all discipline tool for good parenting which many associate with Christian discipline. There are other ways establish appropriate boundaries for children, but it should not be abandoned.

As I was spanked, I knew what it was I did and rarely to never was I spanked for something considered “light” disobedience. A child shouldn’t be spanked for every offense…”You weren’t listening to me when I was talking to you?” doesn’t warrant spanking. But “You did play football in the house, after you were told to stop and broke the family’s Christmas decorations.” probably does warrant a spanking.

Healthy grounds and not going to far are ways to keep corporal punishment from turning to abuse. What’s interesting to note is that many people who were spanked and have problems with it today often find use the defense that “I was spanked and often didn’t know why.” Spanking requires an honest parent and I always, always, always knew what the spanking was for whether it had to be explained to me or I already knew (ie breaking the heirloom Christmas ornaments with a Velcro football.)

@Jon: I am sincerely sorry for your situation, but I think you miss Kevin’s point. From your post I would unquestionably characterize your childhood as abusive. (ie: “having my body ritually exposed including my genitals to my mother for the spanking” and “punished even sometimes for innocent accidents”) I truly am sorry for you situation and can only pray that God will restore you mind and marriage to wellness. But I think Kevin’s trying to point out that the automatic demonization of corporal punishment is not Biblical. In fact the lack of it can lead to equally messed up adults.

No one said parenting is easy, and if you truly love your child you’ll want something or someone to hold you accountable to your actions of discipline. Someone who enjoys spanking their kids (even good Christian people) should probably find other ways to discipline. Someone who’s doing it to provide their children with effective attitudes and healthy boundaries to live their life are not abusing their children. I’ve probably over said my comment, but I’m currently having a hard time cohesively typing my thoughts.

Jon, thanks for reading both Jayson’s article and my commentary on Straus’ research findings. I appreciate your concerns and I don’t doubt your experience with spanking as a child has troubled you and has caused undue harm to your marriage. Your story is gut-wrenching. Spanking to the degree you experienced at the hands of your mother, especially to have you drop your pants, is inappropriate, and also in cases where your behavior did not warrant that kind of punishment, she was not right to spank you.

It is not my intent to throw legitimate issues of child abuse under the rug in order to lay out a biblical foundation for lovingly disciplining our children. Child abuse is inexcusable in all forms and fashions, and should not be tolerated in our society. I had a friend who received spankings with his pants off. When I was a child, they made me leave the house while he was being spanked, and the yelling and crying still bugs me today. As I mentioned in my commentary and have quoted others, the manner in which a discipline tactic is used and performed matters. If spanking runs the risk of abusing a child, then the manner is to be blamed for the ill-effects, which places the blame for perversion later, including sexual problems, on the parents who improperly implemented the spanking.

It is necessary to point out, as you have said, spanking is not always the best way to punish our children. Some things children do would be better fit for a gentle scolding or a time to sit in their room or a time to take away their toys for a little while. But there are also times when spanking is an appropriate way to discipline children. In fact, there are entire generations of children who are thankful their parents loved them enough to properly discipline them, including spanking. I don’t think that cases of abuse justify an ad hominem, blanket disregard of the positive benefits of corporal punishment for our children. However, cases of abuse should drive good parents to take a hard look at how they discipline their children to make sure that the manner in which they discipline their children is always done lovingly and out of a desire to see them curb their behavior bad behavior now so that it doesn’t grow into serious problems later on.

Jon, it probably sounds silly that I am sorry you were abusively spanked as a child and need therapy to help you deal with the adverse affects of that abuse. I am sorry it has hurt your marriage, but there is hope that God can make all things new in your life. That doesn’t mean you won’t struggle. We live in a world that is fallen and the effects of sin and unbelief have driven mothers and fathers to hurt their children and our children have often repeated those abuses to their children or to others they love. It is things like that, along with a love for the supremacy of Christ, that cause me say, ‘come soon, Lord Jesus.’

Hey Trae, thanks for reading this. I thought you would likely have something to say . . . and it was good. You’re right, the purpose of this post was to “point out that the automatic demonization of corporal punishment is not biblical,” and there is a difference between loving discipline and abuse.

Jon, thanks for sharing your story. I don’t want to comment on the legitimacy of spanking or its biblical grounding as mentioned in Kevin’s article–those things have been addressed sufficiently.

I want to offer you hope that it seems your therapists are not giving you. There is one thing you said that I want to touch briefly on and maybe I can give you some hope. You said, “My therapists says my masochistic feelings will be with me the rest of my life.” I want you to know Jon that you don’t have to be slave to these feelings for the rest of your life.

Paul writes in Romans 8:

(5)For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. (6)We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. (7)For one who has died has been set free from sin. (8)Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. (9)We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. (10)For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. (11)So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

The hope I want to give you Jon, is the hope of the gospel, that though we are all slaves to sin, God free us from that slavery to sin by uniting us to his Son Jesus Christ. This text from Romans 8 tells us that those who have been united to Christ are no longer slaves to sin because Christ conquered sin and the grave through his death and resurrection. So I have to believe that God can help you overcome your struggle through the power of the cross. The Bible tells us that we are united to Christ by faith. So I would encourage you to look to Christ! I cannot help you with your struggle, but I believe my Lord Jesus Christ can. Look to Christ–trust Him.

This side of eternity we all face the reality of living in a world that is full of sin and its effects. You seem to feel the weight of that and I pray that though you may not be completely free from sin in this life, that the Lord would free you from bondage to these painful memories and allow you to experience the fullness of joy in Christ. I am not an expert on these issues and I hope I am not saying too much, certainly I don’t have all the answers in life but I believe that freedom from our deepest hurts in Christ as well as freedom to experience our greatest joys. I hope that gives you some hope.

The postings here are dated now, so not sure if there is any hope of evoking more dialogue on this topic or not. Nonetheless, I wanted to briefly share my own experience with being spanked, and to pose a few new questions.

I am a 48 year old male who was raised with 2 sisters and one brother by Christian parents. I am the oldest of the four siblings. My father had to consult with at least one other Christian father (that I know of) to learn how to spank me properly (I overheard a big chunk of their conversation abou it when I was about 4).

I will never forget my first spanking and to this day (even as I write this) I become sexually aroused and sick to my stomache, at the same time, remembering the process. (1)The “explanation” of the reason and the need for the spanking. The intense sense of dread and the intense surge of adrenaline through my blood (later, testosterone was added to the adrenaaline mix making the onset of a spanking process extremely arousing and emotionally terrifying). (2) The ritualistic lowering of my pants and then my underwear, by a man, who was speaking to me in caring, and compassionate, and caring terms about how much he loved me, and that is why this pain was about to occur (3) the feeling of my penis and testicles as they found a comforting spot of my Dad’s upper thigh as I waited for the first lash of the belt (or switch – depending on what he was in the mood for). (4) The searing pain that made me quietly pray to God that He would deliver a fatal heart attack to my Father in mid spanking so that I would not have to dissociate from the pain (5) The self-hatred and guilt for wanting my father to be dead (6) The awareness that I was evil for wanting my father to be dead (7) The awareness that I deserved and needed more such punishment to help drive the evil from me (8) The awareness, weeks later, that the emotional intimacy that came from the intensity of what had occured while I was across my Dad’s lap, was delicious and felt good in my groin (9) The awareness that I must be gay, because I craved emotional closeness with my Dad in a way that I could only receive from a quality, well-intentioned, severe blistering of my butt and exposure of my private parts (10) The knowledge that I was not normal, and that I would never have a wife and kids, and that I would be sent to hell for being a faggot, because I had learned that spanking is a loving, sexual act, between a father and son, and the feelings and desires associated with it were not within my control.

I have avoided having sex all my adult life, because I am not capable of doing it without fantasies that include homosexuality and what has become known as the “discipline fetish”. I often crave to be strapped, or belted, or “brushed” by men. Of course, to have nudity involved is an essential piece – and a little sexual fun thrown in just tops of the fantasy for good measure. My Dad did not spare the rod, to be sure, but he certainly spoiled his child.

I have been in therapy now for more than 6 years to help me deal with the trauma I experience, almost daily, as I try to cope with my ambivalent feelings of craving the strap and being terrified and reduced to nothingness when I think of what it is actually like to go through the ritual. My Dad is dead now, and I miss him at times, but the occaisional wish that I could have sex with him, (real sex, not just spanking fun) still frustrates me – that altho he is not here – my perversion lives on.

I am not able to have a “normal” relationship with a woman. My Christian parents took that from me, between the ages of 5 and 12, by what they did to me, in fear of sparing the rod of correction. I guess I am now corrected. I trust noone. I fear relationships. I want to have sex with a man, but I can’t go there, because I hate myself so much.

So, at this late stage in my life, an before I die, I would like Christians to ask themselves:
1. If Jesus encountered a child who was misbehaving, what would He do?
2. How much hitting is involved in the name of love and at what point does hitting become violence?
3. When is too much?
4. Are bruises ok – if provided in the name of love?
5. Welts?
6. Blood?
7. Who is this guy in the Bible that suggested that sparing the rod was a bad thing? What was his background?
8. If spanking can lead to a child wanting to die, or to be killed, or to wanting to have sex with Father or with other men, even in 1/1000 cases, then why the Hell is anyone doing it. There are other ways to help raise up a child in ways that are good in the eyes of the Lord.

I have never posted a comment like this anywhere before. I have never told anyone, except 2 counsellors and my best friend, my story. I don’t care any more. I am sick of hearing Christian men speak of how helpful it is to hit children. It has robbed me of my chance to be a whole person, and to live a Godly life. In fact, spanking raped me, right down to my soul.

So, no more crap about how hitting children well is not abuse. We’re not allowed to hit adults, and there is a reason for that. Children need to be protected from Biblical abuse as much as anyone else.

I do think the comment thread is past its time for a bigger discussion. But I do want to add a couple of thoughts.

(1) I don’t think what you experienced was biblical discipline. If what you described happened in any way close to what you are telling me, then you were certainly abused.

(2) What you experienced is not biblical spanking. Instead it would better be described as beating and sexual harassment. I can’t imagine why one would think pulling down their child’s pants makes spanking a more effective kind of discipline. I would never do that to my child.

(3) Your odd reaction to spanking is not normal. I think there is more than one cause leading you to react that way, however, so I don’t intend to oversimplify what you experienced. When abuse combines with a sexual reaction, the web gets complicated.

(4) I and my sister were disciplined by our parents and we are better because of it. Whether spanking or other forms of discipline are best for one child or another may depend on a variety of factors; but discipline, instruction, and guidance are things every child needs when they misbehave.

Again, I don’t think that spanking itself is the culprit of the findings of the article in question, as I have argued both in my post and in the comments. I think it is bad parenting and abuse that is the culprit. The two can remain separate. (As you know, abuse comes in many forms, not just in the form you received it.)

It makes me upset knowing that you continue to suffer with what happened to you as a child. My only real counseling I could give to you is that God promises in his Word that everything will one day be set to rights, and that Jesus is Savior of sinners and he can save you from your sins — including the ones you mentioned — and God will one day set everything to rights.