me

I cannot believe this is real. I finally finished high school, after 5 intense and gruelling years (yes, high school lasts 5 years in Italy). The feeling has just started settling in even though when I am writing this 2 weeks have passed since I took my last exam.

I am content with the way my finals went. Could have they gone better? Of course, it can always go better, but I was well aware of what I have done during these 5 years and what my limits were (aka the math part was not really my forte).

I must say that I was not stressed in the least during my exam weeks. Yes, it was overwhelming but what was done was done and no late night study sessions could mend the spaces left behind. I was calm and collected, despite experiencing a very harsh UTI when I took my first exam. I know, it might be too much information, but it is what it is.

Now that all is said and done, I think I should reflect on what these last 5 years have meant and what they have done for me.

When I started high school I was a completely different person, and I really mean it. I was extremely shy, awkward and would not socialise whatsoever. Thankfully, I then became friends with a classmate of mine who was and is my complete opposite. She helped me become more open to opportunities and talk more. From then on, despite some people not believing in me, be it because I am female, be it because I am Romanian, I thrived. I often came out on top, regardless of whether I studied or not and that made people angry. The fact that I was respectful to everyone made people angry. And now, despite everyone’s doubts and comments, I am a happy woman, who feels fulfilled and who is extremely, extremely excited to move forward in life, and that means going to university.

I cannot wait (I mean, I can a bit) to start this new chapter in my life and take you guys with me. Thank you so much for reading.

I am back in the swing of things with this amazing impromptu photoshoot that my friend partook in; you can find her on Instagram here. Later in the evening we went to the pool where there were some salsa and bachata classes, so I felt like this dress was necessary. I bought it on sale from a store called Nuna Lie, but I am unable to find this particular dress on their site.

I have never been one for colour, but I want this summer to be full of flowy dresses, both floral and not. Being able to feel the air and wind is phenomenal. Also, the colour scheme on this dress is lovely, with pinks and dusty pastels.

I also decided to do something different with my makeup. I do not normally use colours, but since I have a couple of palettes I wanted to give it a try. I used the “En Taupe” palette by Zoeva, mainly the purple and lilac shades.

And to top everything off, here we have a moment where I do not have my resting bitch face on. Surprise. That might be because I am happy as of late.

I hope you enjoyed seeing these photos as much as I enjoyed taking them. Thank you so much for reading.

This is probably one of the most annoying words in any language. Annoying, depressing, tear-worthy. I have encountered it few times in my life and I wish I had not.

Admitting I have failed at something makes my stomach turn and my brain get angry. Simply because failing is my fault and no one else’s. I cannot put the blame on my teachers for getting a bad or mediocre grade. I cannot put the blame on supermarkets for me gaining weight.

Saying “I have failed” is tiring and infuriating, so much that whenever it happens, I get cranky the whole day, until I have interiorised my failure and I am ready to move on. Admitting my failures is a process that has to happen in order for me to have mental clarity and sanity.

If I were to find the root of the problem, I would go as back as primary school. I was not used to failing. I always had top grades and was considered a nerd. That went on during middle school, getting admitted to high school with the highest grade possible. High school, on the other hand, was a low blow. Teachers expect more than average and they are not willing to give you more than you worked for; sometimes they do not even give you that. Of course, my behaviour changed too: I started working harder and smarter. I understood what they wanted and tackled the skills I lacked.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard I worked, I sometimes failed. Usually, that happened in math (surprise…not). It has never been my strongest subject and it still is not. I have admitted that, despite my pride, and I moved forward, doing what I can.

Failing, or getting a mediocre grade, at math is not acceptable, but it is not catastrophic either. What hurts more is getting a mediocre grade in a subject I usually am one of the best at. Not getting the maximum in Italian or History or Philosophy stings for two reasons: firstly, because it hurts my pride, secondly because people have high expectations of me. This last part is something I am still struggling with.

Hearing my teacher say “I expected more from you” hurts more than them saying “You sucked at this”. In the last case, something must have definitely gone bad, where I could not have done anything to mend it. In the first case, it is all my fault, because I have set a certain standard that people, and also myself, are accustomed to and now expect.

Failure and expectations go hand in hand, especially because when I fail, there are always people who cheer. When you almost always are the best, people start rooting for you to fall. Had you been less stellar, your fall would not have made so much noise.

I guess failure itself is not so bad; everyone encounters it in their lives and it is normal and part of being human. What matters is how we deal with it and what we take from it. I believe in the “You win or you learn” motto. That is what life is all about: progressing and learning, which most often than not, are quite the same thing.

I have thought long and hard about making this post, since it is mostly an impulsive one, based on recent events in my personal life.

The word “focus” seems very hard to materialise in our lives, especially nowadays, since everybody seems to lose said “focus” of what they truly want in life. What I mean by that word is complete and utter determination to achieve a certain goal. It is up there with other words like “ambition” and “drive”. It is something that you create and you work with. I do tend to judge people by how these three entities manifest in their lives and I admire people who have the same goal-driven mind like me.

The problem arises when this focus has to be shared by various aspects of one’s life. For example, I am the kind of person completely focused on school and on a future career, so when something else comes into my life, like a possible love interest, my focus unfortunately shifts. I say “unfortunately” because I have noticed, every single time that has happened, that when my focus has to be shared by more than one aspect of my life, the initial goal loses importance. I lose focus of school and my grades go slightly down. I lose focus of keeping myself happy and I start focusing on keeping the other person pleased, which is not how things should be.

I would love to be the kind of woman who can manage all aspects of her life impeccably, but I am not, at least not right now, not at this age. The ability lo balance various aspects of life comes with age and experience, which means that for now, I will have to settle and keep my focus on one single goal.

I have seen the same thing happen to friends of mine, in slightly more drastic ways, such as being almost left behind in school. On a good note, that has not happened to me and it never will, since I will make sure it will not.

The whole purpose of this post, besides trying to bring comfort to other people who might feel the same as me, is to also keep me accountable, to make sure that I do not make the same mistakes and that I do not lose sight, that I do not lose focus of what I truly want in life.

If you ask me, I must quote Beyoncé : “Make sure you have your own life before becoming someone’s wife”. Yes, this might take it to the extreme, but if, for a relationship, you have to let go of your goals, then let me tell you it is not worth it, since your career is the only certainty in this hungry and fast world. Your work, your grind, your hustle, whatever you want to call it, should be the main focus, and once you have that checked, then you can share your focus with whatever else may please you. But for now, I need to get back in my lane, the fast one.

And another year has passed. I feel like I have changed so much this past year, mostly because I worked on myself and my well being quite a lot. I defined my style, my goals, short and long-term, and I have made a plan to reach those goals.