BlogHer Topic - Weddings and Anniversaries - Editor's Pickshttp://www.blogher.com/user/32414/feed/28
enWhen the Holidays Are Over and He Didn't Proposehttp://www.blogher.com/what-do-if-he-didnt-propose-yet
<!--paging_filter--><p>I knew I wanted to marry my husband long before he asked me to marry him, which presented a problem: He was taking too long to propose. To compound this problem, he also made the mistake of asking me what shape of diamond I liked nearly a year before presenting me with a ring.</p><p><!--break--></p><p>About eight months after the shape-of-the-ring conversation, I took him to a park and asked him about his intentions. I also said something like asking about ring shapes and then not asking me to marry him was akin to take me to a puppy store and then not getting me a goddamn puppy.</p><p>You know what he said?</p><p>"Your expectations are not in line with my reality."</p><p>A few months later, he proposed to me on top of a mountain in Steamboat, Colorado. The day I'd dragged him to the park, he already had the ring bought and hidden in preparation for our trip.</p><p>Eh, I married him anyway.</p><p>&nbsp;</p><center><img src="https://www.blogher.com/files/Didnt_Propose.jpg" alt="engagement ring" /><br /><em>Image: Public Domain via Pixabay</em></center><p>&nbsp;</p><h2><center>What to Do If He Didn't Propose</center></h2><p>The holidays are over, and you thought you were getting a ring but your left finger is still empty. What should you do?</p><p><strong>Are you sure you don't have wedding fever?</strong></p><p>When I'm honest with myself, I realize I totally had wedding fever right before my husband and I got engaged. My college roommates were coupling up and getting married right and left.</p><p>And ... my husband and I had recently moved in together, something I swore I would never do without a ring on my finger, but after that whole shape-of-a-diamond conversation, I had been positive I wouldn't be living in total sin for long (in my mind, engaged didn't count, so sue me).</p><p>There's nothing wrong with having wedding fever unless it's making you crazy. It made me crazy in a way I didn't like.</p><p><strong>Is he that into you?</strong></p><p>You may be eying your man for husband qualities without realizing he's got you squarely in the fun zone. Does he avoid discussions about the future? Does he tell you or show you often that he loves you? Have you met all his friends and at least some of his family?</p><p><strong>Are you sure his hesitation isn't a symptom of a bigger commitment problem?</strong></p><p>Even if he is totally into you, he might not love the idea of marriage. If he's dead set against the institution because of his parent's ugly divorce or his own former marriage, your chances of making progress down the aisle aren't great.</p><p>Unfortunately, if that's the case, you need a hard conversation with yourself instead of him. How important is being legally wed or spiritually wed? If it's a dealbreaker, you must be honest with yourself about that. It is okay and in no way weak to want marriage, patriarchy be damned.</p><p><strong>Does he think he needs to reach a certain place in his career/have enough money/travel the world before he gets married?</strong></p><p>Some people think their lives will end after marriage and/or kids and that they must achieve greatness before they let other people share their bank accounts. If you suspect this is the case, why not ask?</p><p>It's a great opportunity to talk about your hopes and dreams for your lives. Even if it turns out you guys don't belong together, understanding and vocalizing what you want from life is a great exercise <em>for you</em>. And sometimes people are afraid of something but they don't know what it is; putting a name to the fear is the first step in figuring out the fix.</p><p><strong>Is he too broke to buy you the ring he thinks you want?</strong></p><p>Be honest, girlfriend. If you've ever said anything about carats in his presence, you could have intimidated the hell out of him with your high standards ... and if you are fixated on ring size, see the first question.</p><p><strong>So what happens now?</strong></p><p>If you've gone through that list and still want wedding bells, you have three options: Wait, give him an ultimatum or leave.</p><p>In my scenario, I decided to wait six months and see what happened. I knew I wanted to marry my husband, and I'm glad I didn't have to figure out what to do next if he didn't ask me.</p><p>However, I knew from past relationships that I only wanted to marry someone who wanted to marry me. You are worth someone who wants you and only you.</p><p>So many times the media makes a woman who wants a serious relationship out like a visitor from Needy Town, and that's not fair.</p><!--pagebreak--><p>Never apologize for knowing what you want from your life partner. Just make sure you're both on the same page before you dive into anything.</p><p><strong>Do you have a "he didn't propose" story? Share it in the comments!</strong></p><p><em>Rita Arens is the author of the young adult novel <em><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.indiebound.org%2Fbook%2F9780985656287" class="external-link elf-add-back-link">The Obvious Game</a></em> &amp; the deputy editor of BlogHer.com.</em></p><div class="og_rss_groups"></div>DatingMarriage and CommitmentWeddings and AnniversariesWork/LifeLove & Sexhttp://www.blogher.com/files/imagecache/user_small/user_pictures/picture-566.jpgSun, 15 Feb 2015 13:51:50 +0000Rita Arens1946759 at http://www.blogher.comLoving Your Bridal Body at Any Sizehttp://www.blogher.com/loving-your-bridal-body
<!--paging_filter--><p>In the months leading up to my engagement I did what many thirtysomething pre-engaged ladies do-- I obsessively watched wedding shows about brides searching for the perfect gown. Sometimes, I enjoyed seeing the different dress styles and getting a peek into what it’s like to go wedding gown shopping. Other times, I would see a bride go into a shop with their whole family creating a hot mess created by having to deal with other people’s opinions and expectations about which dress was best.</p><p><em>Yikes</em>, I thought. <em>Wedding gown shopping doesn’t seem fun. It seems horrible.</em></p><p>I was especially worried about what my own experience would be like as a plus size woman. Would I be met with thinly-veiled judgment? Stuffed into a size 12 gown when I am actually a 16? What if they asked me about whether or not I was “trying to lose weight for the wedding”?</p><p>Then there were my own assumptions about what kind of dresses I could pull off with my body type. I am average height with broad shoulders and a thick mid-section, so I thought that my shape would only look good in a ball gown since it would hide the belly I was so self-conscious about.</p><p>The first store I went to was the Macy’s Bridal Salon, still so convinced that a ball gown was the only way to go, and the saleswoman did exactly that. She brought me about six ball gowns, most of which were sample sizes I had to be stuffed into. Of those six dresses, there were only two I liked, but didn’t love. Because I felt I didn’t have any other options, and because the saleswoman didn’t suggest any others, I left still thinking that I could only wear a ball gown.</p><center><img src="https://www.blogher.com/files/weddingbody.jpg" alt="Loryn dress shopping" /><br /><em>Image: Loryn Wilson</em></center><p>By the time my mother and one of my bridesmaids arrived to help me with my search, I had decided that I really wanted to purchase my dress from a Black woman-owned store. My grandmother had suggested we go to Lefty’s Bridal, the same shop she went to when she was looking for a wedding gown seven years ago.</p><p>I had a chance to sit down with the owner, Lefty, to get more information about the selection in her store, and how she worked. I learned that she had a degree in Fashion Design and had lots of experience dressing plus-size women.&nbsp; She knew how important it was for me to look amazing on my wedding day regardless of my size, and was going to do what she could to help me reach that goal.</p><p>Lefty brought me gowns to try on that weren’t necessarily ball gowns but that she knew would flatter my shape. At first, I was stuck in Ball Gown Land, still believing that I didn’t have the kind of body that needed to be shown off, even on my wedding day. But I stayed open to other possibilities and eventually warmed up to the idea of finding a gown that accentuated my curves and didn’t just camouflage the parts of my body I was less comfortable with.</p><p>I found my dress that day and cancelled my appointments at the three other shops I intended to visit. It wasn’t the ball gown I thought I was looking for, but it was better than I ever could have imagined.&nbsp; I have never felt as beautiful as I did when I tried on that dress. More importantly I listened to no one’s opinion but my own, followed my gut, and imagined myself standing next to my groom in this gorgeous dress.</p><p>It was really important to me to choose a dress that I looked and felt beautiful in right now and not just a dress that I would look great in if I lose 20 pounds or a few more inches at my waist. There is so much pressure for brides to “get skinny for the wedding” – so much so that we forget that it’s okay to celebrate how beautiful our bodies truly are even if we don’t lose a pound.</p><p>The key to finding the wedding gown of your dreams is in loving your body enough to choose a dress that reflects the beauty you possess at the present moment.</p><p><em><strong>Loryn C. Wilson</strong> is a womanist, a writer, an Angeleno, an Aquarian, and a digital strategist living in DC. Her writing has appeared in Pushback, Hood Feminism, Clutch Magazine, and Alternet.</em></p><div class="og_rss_groups"></div>Body ImageWeddings and AnniversariesLove & SexWedding Planninghttp://www.blogher.com/files/imagecache/user_small/user_pictures/picture-320915.jpgTue, 13 Jan 2015 18:57:37 +0000elledub1920751 at http://www.blogher.com12 Things We Learned About Love & Sexhttp://www.blogher.com/12-things-we-learned-about-love-sex
<!--paging_filter--><p>One would hope that the older we get, the more mature we grow in ourselves and in our understanding of "Love." </p>
<!--break--><!--break--><p>We should be able to embody self-love and embrace the beauty of loving others. We should not fear love, but rather welcome love into our lives as necessary to our survival.</p>
<p>Love remains one of life's greatest mysteries, and many of us have felt, at one point or another, that love is little more than an elusive feeling reserved for impossible fairy tales and cheesy romantic comedies. Perhaps because there have been those who have hurt us in the name of love or who have taken the love we've given for granted, we may find it easier to dismiss love and write it off and not worth the effort.</p>
<p>We all have a lot to learn about love, regardless of age, gender, religion, or socioeconomic status. We should remain committed to learning all that we are intended to learn about love and we should do our very best to remain open to any and all happy possibilities.</p>
<p>Love doesn't hurt you. People, who take for granted the fullness and bountiful beauty of love, do.</p>
<p>A couple of years ago,&nbsp;<a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=https%3A%2F%2Fstorify.com%2FFeministaJones%2Ffj-on-love" class="external-link elf-add-back-link">I shared my thoughts</a>&nbsp;about Love and our responsibilities to honor Love.</p>
<p><center><img src="https://www.blogher.com/files/lovebody.png" alt="FJ tweets on love" /></center>
</p><p>This year, I asked my Twitter followers to send me lessons they learned about love and sex this year. I am always interested in what others experience, how they process their experiences, and the conclusions they come to when their hearts, bodies, and minds are made up.&nbsp;</p>
<p align="center">
<!--pagebreak--><!--pagebreak--></p><p><strong>Love</strong></p>
<p>"2014&nbsp;has&nbsp;taught&nbsp;me&nbsp;that&nbsp;love&nbsp;(familial,&nbsp;intimate,&nbsp;etc.)&nbsp;can&nbsp;make&nbsp;a rainbow appear on even the rainiest of days" - <strong>Kim</strong></p>
<p>"After a quarter-life crisis where I re-evaluated every aspect of my personal, professional, and spiritual lives, I learned that true love begins and ends with oneself. You can’t demand love from others unless you love yourself first.&nbsp;”- <strong>S.</strong>&nbsp;</p>
<p>"I've learned that everyone loves differently. That loving someone from a distance is hard for me. That I love deeply. That I require physical love often, and physical love doesn't feel as good for me if the emotions aren't running so deep." - <strong>Samantha</strong></p>
<p>"My husband traveled for work during the week from the last week of January until mid-April in 2014. We have no family in Kansas City. He's traveled a lot throughout our marriage and parenting experience, but this was by far the longest he was gone, and it was in the midst of the polar vortex, school closings, the science fair, the school talent show and lots of work deadlines.&nbsp;I struggled with managing the house and parenting and working full-time and dealing with the endless&nbsp;snow.</p>
<p>I also learned the difference between voicing your frustration in order to be heard and understood and voicing your frustration when there's nothing to be done. Once the other person has already heard and understood you, but there is nothing to be done to alleviate the source of frustration, it's up to the frustrated person to just let it go. No matter how much I wanted and needed him to be home, he was stuck. It wasn't his fault.</p>
<p>In order to be loving towards him, I had to shut the hell up. That was tough, but I'm glad I learned to do it." -&nbsp;<strong><a href="http://www.blogher.com/myprofile/rita-arens">Rita Arens</a>,</strong> <strong>Deputy Editor, BlogHer.com</strong></p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><center><img src="https://www.blogher.com/files/Josh_and_Melissa.jpg" alt="John and Melissa" /><br /><em>Image: Melissa Ford</em></center>
</p><p>"I learned that two people moving through a difficult time together makes life a little bit easier; sharing the burden, the worries, and the sadness really does make it somewhat more manageable. &nbsp;I learned that I chose well when it came to my partner.&nbsp; It's easy to think someone is a good fit during the good times, but it takes a special connection to also be a good fit for the bad times.&nbsp; Josh has been an excellent partner for the good and the bad and everything in between.&nbsp; I&nbsp;love&nbsp;you!" -&nbsp;<strong><a href="http://www.blogher.com/myprofile/melissa-ford">Melissa Ford</a>,&nbsp;Blogging &amp; Social Media; Health Sections Editor, BlogHer.com&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p align="center">
<!--pagebreak--><!--pagebreak--></p><p><strong>Sex</strong></p>
<p>"You can fall in love with someone who never satisfies in bed. And then one night you can meet a stranger who is attentive and consent conscious AND dominating and teaches you what pleasure can be. And then that stranger might disappear. And it's OK, all of it." -Ellen</p>
<p>"Something is better than nothing does not compute." - <strong>E.</strong></p>
<p>"I learned that being confident during sex goes a long way. I always thought that being a certain 'sexy' weight (150 lbs.) would ensure I got good sex because I would more attractive, but this year at 220 lbs. I've had some of the best sex of my life. Feelin' myself!" - <strong>Jehendriah&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p>"Sex can be for so many things in so many ways - sometimes even at the same time. It's about with, both/all of you going with the impulse, for pleasure, for love, for fun, whatever it is and not holding back. A really safe person isn't restrictive, they explore and allow you to explore with them. Also got my nipples pierced and now they're amazing to have someone run the backs of their nails across!" - <strong>Mish</strong>&nbsp;</p>
<p><center><img src="https://www.blogher.com/files/sexbedroom.jpg" alt="graffiti" /><br /><em>Image: Leanne Staples via Flickr</em></center>
</p><p>"I'm in a non-monogamous relationship and am reminded constantly that being blessed with more than one man doesn't make me immune to the hurt when one of those relationships ends. I deserve to feel valued by any man that I choose to share my body or more with whether he is my one and only or one of many. “- <strong>Cora</strong></p>
<p>"I learned that it's okay to explore and experiment with your sexuality as long as you are smart about it. &nbsp;Learning more about your sexuality is quite alright, as long as you are protected and both parties give consent. &nbsp;Society and the media only label what they don't understand or what they don't appreciate." - <strong>Taneisha&nbsp;</strong></p>
<p>***</p>
<p>&nbsp;My wish for you is that you continue to grow, explore, and find freedom in your sexuality, however you define and understand it. If you've experienced trauma, I wish for healing and reconciliation. If you are flourishing, I wish for continued <em>healthy</em> flourishment! If you are at an impasse, my hope is that you are able to hump your way over the hump and have a year filled with sexiness, however it may manifest itself in your life.</p>
<div class="og_rss_groups"></div>DatingDivorceMarriage and CommitmentSexWeddings and AnniversariesLove & Sexhttp://www.blogher.com/files/imagecache/user_small/user_pictures/picture-281418.jpgWed, 31 Dec 2014 20:28:12 +0000FeministaJones1907272 at http://www.blogher.com5 Wedding Items Totally Worth the Splurge!http://www.blogher.com/no-guilt-wedding-items-worth-splurge
<!--paging_filter--><p><strong>To save or to splurge? </strong></p><p>This is, quite possibly, one of the biggest questions a bride asks herself when it comes to throwing her&nbsp;<a href="http://creationsbysasha.com" target="_blank" class="external-link">wedding</a>. Until you are actually shoulder deep in the planning process, it is hard to grasp just how expensive saying ‘I do’ really is.</p><p>So, what details are worth the big bucks?</p><p>Check out the following&nbsp;splurge-worthy items&nbsp;that you don’t have to feel guilty about!&nbsp;</p><center><img src="https://www.blogher.com/files/weddinghero_0.jpg" alt="bride setting" /><br /><em>Image: Brian via <a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/makelessnoise/175227492" class="external-link">Flickr</a></em></center><p><strong>Oh That Delicious Food:</strong>&nbsp;Be sure to open your wallet as far as you can when it comes to catering; it will be worth every penny! If there is one thing your wedding guests will remember about your big day, it will be the food.</p><p><strong>A Photo is Worth Everything:</strong>&nbsp;An amazing photographer (and crew) is one thing you don’t need to feel guilty about spending extra money on. &nbsp;Your wedding photos will be the only concrete memory from your big day. You’ll frame them, post them on Facebook, and gaze at them forever.</p><p>A picture is worth a thousand words, but a stunning wedding photo is worth a million words, thoughts, and memories.</p><p><strong>Dance, Dance, Dance:</strong>&nbsp;If you are wondering if music is worth the extra money, your answer is yes! A great band or DJ can bring your reception to life! So throw any extra cash toward unforgettable, dance-worthy music.</p><p><strong>Cut the Cake and Make Sure it’s Scrumptious:</strong>&nbsp;While great food is a necessity, a delicious cake (or other dessert) is definitely worth spending some extra dough on. Many guests look most forward to having a piece of cake or other sweet treat, so make sure whatever you choose to serve is top-notch.</p><p><strong>A Drink or Two:</strong>&nbsp;Not everyone serves alcohol at their wedding reception and that’s okay. But if you want a celebration where guests can let loose, providing a bar is a great way to make that happen. Splurge on one to two alcoholic beverages (typically wine and beer) and make sure there is enough for each guest to have between one and two drinks.</p><p>You don’t want a drunken celebration, but a couple of drinks will definitely liven up your party!</p><p>Have more questions about your big day and what’s worthy of a money splurge?&nbsp;<a href="http://creationsbysasha.com/meet-sasha/" target="_blank" class="external-link">Click here</a>.</p><p><em>The post&nbsp;<a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fcreationsbysasha.com%2F2014%2F12%2Fno-guilt-wedding-items-worth-the-splurge%2F" class="external-link elf-add-back-link">No Guilt: Wedding Items Worth the Splurge</a>&nbsp;first appeared on&nbsp;<a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fcreationsbysasha.com" class="external-link elf-add-back-link">Creations By Sasha</a>.</em></p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>&nbsp;</p><div class="og_rss_groups"></div>Marriage and CommitmentWeddings and AnniversariesLove & SexsplurgesWeddingsworthwhile splurgeshttp://www.blogher.com/files/imagecache/user_small/user_pictures/picture-341480.jpgTue, 30 Dec 2014 22:39:21 +0000Creations By Sasha1904673 at http://www.blogher.comThe Introvert's Guide to Surviving Family Weddingshttp://www.blogher.com/introverts-survival-guide-family-weddings
<!--paging_filter--><p><em>The thing about family weddings is that family is there, in Costco volume. This is amazing, wonderful and a blessing, but also a bit overwhelming for those of us that don't feed off the energy of others. I recently attended a wedding that was lovely and very introvert friendly, but I put together a plan for next time. These are some helpful hints to surviving a large, noisy family function without alienating others.</em></p><div><p><strong>The Restroom is the Best</strong><strong>&nbsp;Hiding Spot Ever</strong></p><p>To the untrained eye, it looks like a standard issue bathroom. To an introvert, it's a teeny tiny oasis of calm, quiet and nobody is going to be rude and question why you are in there so long. Also, you can survive off water in there for quite a while.</p><p><img src="https://www.blogher.com/files/951941736_cd25446ff3_m.jpg" alt="Restroom" /><br /><em>Image: Mark Hammond via <a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/bobbymond/951941736" class="external-link">Flickr</a></em></p></div><div><p><strong>Use the Buddy System</strong></p><p>This seems counter intuitive, but stick with me. Find another kindred spirit introvert. Develop a secret squirrel distress signal so you know when your buddy needs to be extracted. Make sure it's subtle, because you can't casually integrate vigorous jazz hands into conversations without raising suspicions.</p><p>My youngest sister and I use a double tap on a nearby surface as if we are surrendering a wrestling march.</p><p>&nbsp;</p><center><img src="https://www.blogher.com/files/introbody.jpg" alt="wedding table" /><br /><em>Image: Outreachr.com via Flickr</em></center><p><strong>Channel Your Inner Mary Poppins</strong></p><p>If you can't find a grown up introvert, identify the parents of a subdued, preferably only child (even better if they are an infant that needs rocking). Offer to babysit. You aren't antisocial, you are selfless. You also just made friends with some very grateful parents (who you can communicate with at a later date by mail or some other introvert safe method like text message).</p></div><div><p><strong>Make a New Friend</strong></p><p>This is my new friend Kyle. He's really cool and he gets me. He doesn't ask a lot of questions. We sit in blissful silence. He thinks I'm witty.</p></div><div><p><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=https%3A%2F%2Flh4.googleusercontent.com%2F-ZqgKALfQnA4%2FU-Zfo9DOVTI%2FAAAAAAAAAaI%2FvqB_mosT-cQ%2Fs640%2Fblogger-image-2003305469.jpg" class="external-link elf-add-back-link"><img src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-ZqgKALfQnA4/U-Zfo9DOVTI/AAAAAAAAAaI/vqB_mosT-cQ/s200/blogger-image-2003305469.jpg" alt="" width="150" height="200" border="0" /></a></p></div><div><p><strong>Feign Illness, Something Not Contagious</strong></p><p>"Sorry, I would love to but I'm just getting over..." Pick a migraine or sunstroke. Finish that sentence with Ebola and you might have more alone time than you intended.</p></div><div><p><strong>Be Prepared to "Come Out" to Your Family</strong></p><p>"This is just hard for me since I'm...an introvert". Give them time to process the information. They might be surprised, particularly if you always played well with others as a child.</p></div><div><p><strong>Smile a Lot</strong></p><p>People will tell you to smile. Resist the urge to say "I don't perform&nbsp;<a href="http://www.charlieglickman.com/2013/09/19/unpaid-emotional-labor/" data-blogger-escaped-target="_blank" class="external-link">unpaid emotional labour</a>". It sounds like "I don't do windows". If you are smiling, you don't have to talk so embrace it.</p></div><div><p><strong>Slow Dance</strong></p><p>This is a great way to limit the head count in your personal bubble, plus you get to burn off yummy celebration food calories.</p></div><div><p><strong>Eat, Drink and Be Merry!</strong>&nbsp;</p><p>Nobody expects you to talk with your mouth full. Smile and nod and mmhmm. The food at my sister's wedding was incredible enough to discourage me from talking too much. It's called an "amuse-bouche" because it's a party in your mouth and with no other attendees, that's a party any introvert can get behind.</p><p><a target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.blogher.com/frame.php?url=https%3A%2F%2Flh3.googleusercontent.com%2F-Olt1g4KH7DE%2FU-gYtlKQ7jI%2FAAAAAAAAAaw%2FpITD-44c56k%2Fs640%2Fblogger-image--631287064.jpg" class="external-link elf-add-back-link"><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Olt1g4KH7DE/U-gYtlKQ7jI/AAAAAAAAAaw/pITD-44c56k/s200/blogger-image--631287064.jpg" alt="" width="200" height="150" border="0" /></a></p></div><div><p><strong>Be a Paparazzo</strong></p><p>Avoid small talk by snapping pictures of other guests. If anyone tries to engage you, smile and move onto your next subject. Use your flash to distract and make your exit. You are not anti-social, you are artistic and helping the bride document her special day.</p></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div class="og_rss_groups"></div>Weddings and AnniversariesLove & Sexfamily gatheringsIntrovertWeddinghttp://www.blogher.com/files/imagecache/user_small/user_pictures/picture-381297.jpgSun, 14 Dec 2014 02:08:21 +0000AlisonTedford1874952 at http://www.blogher.com