Friday, January 21, 2011

East bound and down, loaded up and frozen.

So, there I am, minding my own business while living a quiet life of hermitude in an abandoned refrigerator box under the I-35 overpass, when along comes this charlatan calling himself "Septic Headed Peeface" (a shockingly appropriate name, I might add) who lures me into a white van with no windows and whisks me off with the promise of hobo wine and only slightly stale Doritos. Next thing I know, he's collecting a ransom in the amount of $4.76, and here I am- chained to a desk, forced to type until my fingers bleed, and only rewarded with that sweet, sweet hobo hooch after I have contributed to no less than 352 blogs, some of which aren't even in English. I think I might be the most famous mommy blogger in Uruguay now, though I only type broken Uruguay-en and I may be confusing "famous" and "wanted by the law for promoting hard-labor camps for toddlers", but that is neither here nor there. I'm sure that someday I will thank Mr. Peeface for dragging my lethargic, uninspired, SAD-suffering frozen ass back to this com-pu-tor thingy, but right now I'm just pissed that I'll be missing the all-hobo winter formal tonight, taking place in a perfectly magical abandoned manure processing plant. One-toed George, my date, will surely be devastated as I had finally decided to let him get to second base tonight, providing he wears the only-slightly-used plastic gloves that I found in that hospital dumpster- a girl's gotta be careful, you know!

Since I'm here, and since it is almost 2 years to the day, and since this weekend is going to be equally frigid as I experienced 2 years ago, I am going to repeat a project that I completed for y'all in 2008.

I will do as many as I feasibly can, and I will document each event in photographic/video form for your amusement. Hell- you deserve it, what with me wandering off after sparkly things and unicorns only to come back more than a month later, disoriented and mumbling...again.

Somewhere in the greater St. Paul/Minneapolis area that you want me to visit? Something you'd like me to cook? Snotcicles you'd like me to photograph (um, hello- it's -11 degrees out right now)?

If I can do it in the time allotted, thy shall be done. I am your monkey, and I shall dance.

I missed you, internets. Life is so much more boring without the special brand of stupidity and shamelessness known as Whiskeymarie VonPartypants. Let's get that bitch jump-started and kick her in her ample (but lovely) ass.

Make a replica of me (life-size poster board cut-out, dressed up ventriloquist dummy, voodoo doll, pencil drawing on a 3x5 card, whatever) and take it with you on all of your Tundra Weekend adventures.

Eat a full rack of ribs while wearing a world war two-era Belgian army helmet and drinking beer from the largest glass you can find. Finish the meal with a fine cigar. Toast yourself for doing what I do every weekend.

"Life is so much more boring without the special brand of stupidity and shamelessness known as Whiskeymarie VonPartypants."

Damn straight! Okay, so for your 40-something days of reckless internets abandonment, my request...nay, my COMMAND of you is that you go and purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka, completely nekkid of course, just like Appolonia did for her evil master. I'll expect full photo/video documentation, of course.

Don't make me come back here.

P.S. *love* : )P.P.S. - what's up with your fuzzy banner? You know I only do fuzzy math, not fuzzy work.