2 comments

Hi Susan, I read the first two chapters, and you write very well and your story is bursting with promise and even some supernatural potential. I think you are going to do well with this. Highly starred. A few suggestions: "memories of the girl, his love," sounds a bit melodramatic. Why not just "memories of the girl he'd loved" or "memories of the girl he loved" ? Last two paragraphs, Chapter 1: It is my personal view that such omniscience ...

Hi Susan,I read the first two chapters, and you write very well and your story is bursting with promise and even some supernatural potential. I think you are going to do well with this. Highly starred.A few suggestions:"memories of the girl, his love," sounds a bit melodramatic. Why not just "memories of the girl he'd loved" or "memories of the girl he loved" ?Last two paragraphs, Chapter 1: It is my personal view that such omniscience take us out of the third person you've already established and inserts you as author too much into the story. Unless Hank is telling this whole story as a flashback and I don't think you should go that route, I think you should cut these fortune-telling last two paragraphs from Chapter 1.Chapter 2: Consider adding first two paragraphs of Chapter 2 to the end of Chapter 1. They fit better there time-wise. Then, sStart Chapter 2 with "Excitement filled ..."Really good, easy-to-follow writing, plotting and characterization so far. I get the sense Hank means wells/wants to do good but he doesn't understand the implications and there's going to be some chaos. I also like the references to the Persian tales and would be interested in seeing how those and any modern-day genie-like activity might fit in. Careful what you wish for, Hank.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST! Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb. You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer. Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection. One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your ...

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act: