Just another WordPress.com weblog

I don’t think I can even explain how scary it is to go through a health crisis and two surgical procedures completely alone. But I had to be brave and make that choice to go alone because my dad needed every available family member to take care of him while I was in the hospital. That meant no one could take time out for me as well. It has been a couple of weeks since I was in the hospital and I am still having nightmares and an extremely difficult time sleeping. It is as if my whole life was turned upside down. My reality check slapped me in the face. I waited too long to take care of mine own health and ended up so sick that they couldn’t even operate on me right away. I was very lucky and very blessed to be admitted to my own hospital and have coworkers take care of me at such a difficult time. But it made me very aware of my limitations, especially when it comes to taking care of my dad who is in end stages of heart failure. I’ve been taking care of him on my own, but now I am no longer able to handle him on my own. Man it sucks to admit, but I am not super woman. What is even worse to admit is that I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Ugh…..I know, I know. I’ve been content to be independent and alone for such a long time. I stopped dating years ago. And now I cannot imagine going forward in my life without a partner. Someone I love and who loves me. This shift in my thinking has upset me a bit because I have no clue what to do. How is it even possible to date when I take care of an ill parent, and am gonna have to move to Arizona in order to get help in taking care of him so that I don’t end up in a grave first. I can’t even open up to the people closest to me. How do I let a man into my complicated life? I guess a bit more of soul-searching is needed. Besides if I am moving to Arizona soon things are about to get crazy for a while.

I want a Valium. Too bad I hate drugs of any kind. Let’s just say that I had a really bad experience with morphine in the hospital and I never want another drug of any kind in my body ever again and I hope no one ever feels that kind of slow torture ever. *shivers*

Yay…..the Fall season is almost here! I love Fall. Cooler weather, Halloween, pumpkins, leaves change color, new season of TV starts…I could go on and on. I also have quite a few house projects I will be working on since it will be cooler. I am tired of still living in boxes and not having furniture, so I will be working on that. First up…painting, painting, and more painting. I hate white walls. I have most of the paint, I just need to get to it. Fun.

I often hear theme music in my head during hectic times in my life. Right now all I hear is circus music. You know the kind of music I mean, it is the sort of music you hear during a juggling act. I am juggling so many things in my life right now.

My dad is dying and refusing to go to the hospital, so with a little help from home healthcare I am doing everything. And I don’t have the support system like I used to. These last couple of years has scattered me an my siblings. My little brother has moved to Arizona and gotten married and has a whole family to take care of. My sister is still in town and she tries to help, but there is only so much she can do. My older brothers have never been much support. I know that is probably an awful thing to say, but they have their reasons and I respect it. It hurts that my family and extended family think this my obligation, and act like I deserve this. I just wish they had a clue how exhausting and how painful it is to take care of someone who is dying and is in end stages of heart failure. I only sleep an hour or two at a time and then go and check to see if my dad is still breathing. I dispense his medication, watch his oxygen, blood pressure, and blood sugar. I make his doctors appointments, drive him there with his oxygen and scooter in tow. It takes us hours just to go to one appointment. I make sure he eats, I do his shopping, and try to clean up after him when he gets confused and tears the house apart. I do this all the while working my job at the hospital, and while still trying to unpack and put together my new house. I don’t go out with friends, I don’t date, I don’t have much. But I love my dad and will respect his wishes to stay with me and have me take care of him. I will continue to juggle and try to find small ways to escape. Books, movies and my wonderful dog Boo. Life would be unbearable without those. I can do this…I can do this.

I haven’t been able to write in a really long time. Still, as I type now, I don’t know if I will be able to say much. I’ve had to put my hopes and dreams aside and it has almost broken me. I am doing something important, but one false move, and I feel like I can fall apart and never recover. I thought losing my mom was hard, but taking care of my dad in end stages of heart failure is even harder. And I am doing it on my own. No time off, no vacations, just hard work and little sleep all the time. And when it is over, I will be utterly alone. I am trying to come to terms with that fact and more. I may never be a mother, or a wife. I may never fall in love, or write a book, or live in another country. I had to buy a house in the city I was born in, and settle in for the sake of family, for my father. I fear this will be the city I die in as well. And I am trying hard not to be bitter or angry or sad. As you can probably tell, that doesn’t always work. For most of the time, I numb myself and just keep working. But there are times……life can be a dark place. I’m a bit in shock that I have written this down….opened this wound for all to see. I guess sometimes a person just needs to purge a bit of that darkness just to be able to keep on going. Just Breathe.

I am still a little shocked that I have started the process of buying a home. I am a complete commitment phobe, and am stressed out completely over this. Logically I know this is a good move. I am building a new home to custom fit my needs, and when all is said and done the rent will be about the same or slightly cheaper. Plus the tax benefits will be nice, and not moving every year will be good too. I have a set schedule at work now, plus benefits and things are good with work, I will be getting a nice raise in May as well. So I know buying is the right thing for me right now, but I am still stressed out. I have the home loan to work on, the down payment to put together, and customizing options to work out. I cannot get my brain to turn off. I’m exhausted and only sleeping a few hours at a time.That sucks, because this whole process will take about 4 months. I am only just getting started. I’m gonna have to find ways to deal with the extra stress, because I already have a lot to deal with. I can’t afford a nervous breakdown right now. I will definitely need a vacation after all this, let’s hope it won’t be to a padded room.

I didn’t really realize how closed off I have been till I looked at the date of my last post. Eek. Well I’m pulling out of it I guess. My job has stabilized now. I have a set schedule as well as benefits. Only took me 6 years to finally get that, but hey I finally have it. Anyways…..I’ve been growing and learning more about my self everyday, but sometimes my curiosity can be a problem. I let curiosity get the better of me, and signed up on an online dating website. I know, I know….sooo not me, not at all. It took me all of one day of getting messages from guys, and I closed my account. I felt so dirty. And it’s not even like I was wanting to date, I was just curious. Sure I get lonely every once in a while, but to be honest I am looking forward to the day I can live by myself again. I like doing things on my own, and this misstep drove that point home to me. If I do end up in a relationship, it will not be because of a dating website. I need more of a connection than that.

Well that was a fun experiment. On to new adventures. Soon, I will take a vacation by myself. It’s not easy to travel solo when you are a social person, but I am gonna do it, and I will probably love it. fun, fun.

My Lil’ Girl is too funny. That is what I call one of my dogs, Lil’ Girl. She acts as playful and as bright-eyed as a puppy, but she is 11 years old now. I love her dearly. It broke my heart to leave her behind when I moved to Utah. But she was gracious enough to forgive when I moved back. She now gets her revenge by sitting on my desk from time to time so she can block my computer. She also takes a good portion of the leg room in my bed at night. My other dog Boo takes the rest of the leg room, and whatever covers he can pull away in the night as well. Good thing I do not live in a cold climate anymore. Brrr.

Anyways, Lil’ Girl is a smart little thing, and sometimes she renders me speechless over her daring acts or little insights. A few nights ago one of my brothers ordered pizza. When the pizza guy came she ignored the pizza and tried to go with the pizza guy back to the pizza place. She wouldn’t even be coaxed with the pizza that had been delivered to go back in the house. She had decided to find the origin of all pizza’s. My brother was dumbfounded over her actions and I couldn’t stop laughing.