Run-DNC: Hardcore Coverage of the Democratic National Convention

Since I'm primarily a political columnist as my previous articles indicate (trust me, Quintuplets will be a major factor in this year's election!), I feel it's my responsibility to cover all of the important political events from now until whenever those election things happen.

As a result, I'm bringing you the most complete, honest, fair-and-balanced coverage of the Democratic National Convention. It's been a long week, and I've worked very hard to bring you this full throttle coverage. I've even brought along a dictionary to help me with my varius speling erors.

Away we go…

Like any good political coverage umm guy, I've got a correspondent to help me with any important political analysis. He comes very highly recommended from the FOX NEWS, MSNBC, and CNN news channels, and we're glad to have him on board. Say hello to SmarterChild!

Trust me, he beats that Bill O'Reilly down like a bitch! Okay, on with the coverage.

Monday

Dear Diary,

I don't understand why Alicia doesn't like me. She's beautiful and we have lots in common. Sometimes when I'm alone I think about her and play with my ass hair…. Oh, uhh, anyway, we're live from the DNC here in good ‘ol Boston, MASSACHUSETTS, my hometown if I were born in Boston.

It's been a busy-ass day, as the Democrats made their way to the Fleet Center. Here's what I know about how these conventions work:

*It's kind of like a pep rally. *There are balloons.

Seriously, with this kind of grandiose coverage, it shouldn't even be called “Casual Misanthropy.” It should be “America's Newsroom.”

Doesn't Al Sharpton seem like the kind of guy who would tell you to turn your music down? Or is it just me?

We don't even need Democrats if you think about it. We should just have Republicans and People Who Aren't Fucking Insane. That should be Kerry's campaign slogan: “VOTE KERRY IN 2004: CUZ I'M NOT BUSH!”

Now's a good (and more than relevant) time to discuss the Red Sox-Yankees series from this past weekend. Make no mistake, in the grand scheme of things it won't matter much. The Yanks will win the division, the Sox will win the Wild Card, Derek Jeter will smoke pole. But wasn't it fun to see Varitek beat the shit out of GAY-ROD?

Justify83:do you like alex rodriguez?SmarterChild:Eh. I'm not sure.Justify83:varitek kicked arod's assSmarterChild:That's rather, um, how shall I put it? Impolite.Justify83:he beat him down like he was Ike VaritekSmarterChild:He beat him down like he was Ike Varitek? Why?Justify83:Never mind. Fucking i diot.SmarterChild:You're cursing a blue streak, my friend. What's up?

My impression of the Michael Moore-Bill O'Reilly debate:

Michael Moore: Bush is evil.Bill O'Reilly: No. I love Bush.MM: He's killing children.BOR: Children deserve it.MM: He lied.BOR: What exactly, is a lie? Is it not merely a documentary about a liar?MM: Low blow, bitch.BOR: I need a hug.

Wednesday

I got a free t-shirt walking with my friend, Jenny. It said: FCUK YOU: I'M VOTING. You see, the store is called French Connection United Kingdom, or FCUK, for short. So everyone sees it, and at first thinks FUCK, but looks closer and goes: “Oh my, that says FCUK, how deliciously clever!” Then you get a blow job or some shit, I dunno that's what it says in the commercial.

I actually went down to the Fleet Center courtesy of the Boston Globe and my Mission Impossible Disguise Kit. I went in as Ben Affleck, which was cool until I started getting random approaches from guys named Jumbo wearing “Pearl Harbor” t-shirts. Great stuff. I saw the Black Eyed Peas. For those of you not in the know (i.e. old white people), the Peas have a song called “Let's Get Retarded” and a soul-less, wussed-out version called “Let's Get It Started” (you probably heard it while you were being raped by NBA promos in the spring). I really hate when they wuss up a good song. It's like when the radio got a hold of that DMX lyric “Love my niggaz, but where's my bitches?” and turned it into “Love my children, but where's my women?” Don't castrate a good song.

Justify83:let's get retarded, ha, let's get retarded in hereSmarterChild:Ha. You want us to get retarded ha let's get retarded in here?Justify83:let's get is started, ha, let's get is started in hereSmarterChild:What's so funny?

Damn right, SmarterChild.

Thursday

Kerry's big day! YAY! Here's my impression of JK's speech:

“I was in the military. This guy lost three limbs. Vote for me. Bush sucks. Help is on the way. (Over and Over for 45 minutes).”

If menopause were personified, I mean, that would be Theresa Ketchup Kerry, right? She is a walking hot flash. Simultaneously the old woman you wanna bang and an old lady who's going to beat your ass with a Prada bag.

If John Edwards is elected, he's going to come over to every house and ask if we can come out and play.

I like Kerry, but I'm not sure about him as President. He seems too indecisive about what he wants. He's almost as bad as my friend, Mark. I'm serious. IM him at Obust16 and ask him a random question like “sugar or salt.” He won't know what to do, but he'll probably block you. But shhh, don't tell him I sent you.

One final note, during Kerry's speech, my friend Luscious sent me this IM:

killatomat0:good guys like you and I don't get laid enough…. America can do better… and help is on the way!!

God bless America, and God Bless John Kerry.

Justify83:help is on the waySmarterChild:Help is on the way, huh? Is that right?

Thank you, SC, for your tireless and blistering political analysis. You've been a big help.