choosing sobriety

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Having just been to therapy and explored some of my fluctuating feelings more; I am forced to confront my ambivalence regarding my relationship with ExP.

It’s quite clear ( or was when it was pointed out to me!) that my feelings of “it’s finished , for ever. Definitely”have been eroded / evolved ? Into “well that didn’t work, – living as a family- so what about another model” … In other words, I’m reluctant to let go completely. For reasons which I don’t fully comprehend, but may have to do with fear of abandonment, vulnerability, codependency, insecurity, Shame , it seems I am still holding the myth of “happy ever after” in my heart.

This is probably a necessary stage, but it’s a bit scary. My “plan” such as it is involves us living separately but, for example, next door to one another. He does his thing, I do mine. The kids live with me and he has no role in their life. We are boyfriend and girlfriend and see one another as agreed …

It’s probably bonkers; and probably much more thought would be usefully expended considering why I am even considering any kind of future relationship with a man who treated me quite as badly as he has ,…

But you see, at around this time, my inate sense of fair play is coming along and whispering in my ear that, it always takes two for a relationship to fail, I have been co dependent, I have been complicit in the developing mess… That maybe the moral high ground is not entirely occupied by me, and me alone. .

The dryness, and the developing sense of my own boundaries tells me that there is no way he is living under my roof again whilst my boys are at home. But somehow I’m struggling to fully let go …

I did discuss this in therapy. At some length. And I do , at least in part, recognise what it means …. And how vulnerable I clearly still am.

Hmm, I could be charitable about exP and wonder if his fear of failing as an artist is greater than his desire to try to succeed –
but really, that is his problem. He’s an adult; time to grow up. Time to look after himself. Time for you to stop working yourself into the ground to look after him.

In the meantime, I wonder just why you feel you love him so much? This hypercritical man who made life miserable for at least one of your children; who refuses to play an adult role in the relationship; who makes you feel dirty? How do you equate this with love? What echoes is he reawakening for you, what buttons is he pressing? If you can work that out it might be easier to protect yourself.

These things are very pertinent. and especially this bit about ‘how do I equate this with love’. Maybe I feel this is all I am worth ? maybe I feel stronger about maintaining boundaries now ( for the future) because he is not here ….ho hum …

Even if you think that you don’t deserve better, can you look at it as what do your kids deserve? It seems like if you tried being in a relationship with him while keeping him away from your sons that they would miss out on a lot of time with you. And you seem pretty clear that he isn’t good for them. Btw I once had a fantasy that a duplex was the perfect solution for me and an exboyfriend so I’m not judging. I know all about not being able to emotionally disentangle myself from Peter Pan.

I do get the point, but in my thoughts, it’s not the kids who miss out on time with me. It’s him. The boys spend Saturday’s with their father , which would be a day I could spend with him. As they get older, and are out more – at clubs / with friends etc, this is the time I would anticipate spending with him. Not day to day.