Open Relationships, Anal Sex

The Hot Mess Created by Lying and Stereotypes

My girl and I have been together for
almost seven years now. Last year, I had a same-sex encounter and got caught.
I’ve been with men in the past and always enjoyed the feeling it brought during
sex. She has always known about my past experiences, and it never really seemed
to bother her. Over the years, we both played that side of the fence together,
never with any toys, but in other ways. When I got caught, it stirred some ill
emotions with her, like the amount of encounters I had with this man—only one.
She still doesn’t believe that there can be no emotional/love connection, that
it is possible for two men to have sex together with little or no attachment to
each other, to just be with one another and move on. There of course was an
attraction; otherwise it wouldn’t have ever happened.

Since then, we’ve gotten a strap-on and
finally found the right toy I enjoy. She’s a little intimidated by it, but it
is something we can enjoy together, and when we do, sex is fantastic. Would
having her find a gay or bi male on her terms and invite him to play with me
[help] to show her that it is possible for two men to just have sex together
without needing an emotional connection?

Okay…there’s a
lot going on here. I hear that you have a desire for three things: 1) more anal
sex with you on the receiving end, 2) sexual contact with other men, and 3)
rebuilding trust with your girlfriend. I believe that it is possible to have
all three things, but you have an uphill battle ahead of you, because you
started out by cheating, lying and attempting to justify your cheating and
lying by trotting out a stereotype about sex between men that may be true some
of the time, but is certainly not a universal experience.

Your
presenting question can be rephrased as, “Will having a threesome solve all of
my problems?” LOL, NO. It would be great if that was the case, right? Who
wouldn’t want to repair their relationship by having their significant other
watch them get fucked in the ass by someone else? Sadly, I think this is going
to take a bit more work on your part.

It pains me
that monogamous relationships are often seen as the only option for male-female
couples. I think that your desire for sexual contact with men is perfectly
legitimate and normal, and I think that you and your girlfriend could
potentially negotiate an open relationship that allows you to satisfy that
desire in a way that feels safe and acceptable to both of you, and perhaps
allows her to fulfill some of her own desires as well. Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up
book and website is a great first place to start exploring non-monogamous
relationships. However, the absolute worst way to start a conversation on this
topic is to cheat and get caught, because open relationships require an
enormous degree of trust and communication, both of which are damaged by
cheating and lying. Rather than jumping straight into a threesome to try to
repair this damage, I think that acknowledging the harm you caused to your
girlfriend and your relationship by cheating, discussing your reasons for
wanting male sexual partners, and learning as a couple how healthy open
relationships function are good first steps.

I agree that
it is possible for anyone of any gender to have a sexual encounter that doesn’t
involve a romantic attachment. I don’t think “proving” that this is possible is
going to help your situation. If your girlfriend is worried that you have a
romantic attachment to someone else, it may be because she feels that this
means that you love her less, or that you’re going to end your relationship
with her to be with someone else. This is how we are taught to think in our
monogamous “all-or-nothing” culture. It’s not necessarily true, but your
girlfriend needs time to articulate her fears and figure out what actions on
your part will help her feel secure in your relationship again. You having sex
with more men before the two of you work on this is not the solution.

Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on
Milwaukee’s East Side. She has a master’s degree in public health and has
worked as a sexuality educator for more than fifteen years. Want Laura to
answer your questions in SEXPress? Send them to laura@shepex.com.
Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot
provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent
to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and
may be edited for clarity and content.

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