To think that my DH is a selfish fucking shit head?

I withdrew an application for a less stressful job today as on Friday DH said he would be a SAHD so I could carry on doing the job that I have. (He's currently unemployed.) I was going for the other job as I have MH issues and I couldn't cope with doing the running around after the children AND my current role, but I've been managing really well since he has been at home as I can do my job so long as I'm not doing the rest.

As this was all decided, I withdrew my application this morning, happy that I can carry on doing my job with his support.

He's just called me to tell me he's accepted a job and will start on Tuesday and its an early start in the opposite direction to where we live and where the kids go to school and nursery, so I'll have to go back to running around after the children and getting them out in the morning and home and fed in the evening. Its not even a great job, its fucking warehouse work earning only just over fucking minimum wage and he didn't even ask me first, he said yes and then called me with a fait accomplis.

I am angry and really upset in equal measure. If he had said he was going to take a job as soon as it was offered, there is no way I would have withdrawn my application, but he PROMISED. He fucking well PROMISED me he would stay at home and support me.

I don't actually give a shit if you think I'm being U for calling him a selfish fucking shit head, because he fucking well is.

I would also be saying something along the lines of "oh, that's great - how will you be managing the DCs' drop-offs & pick-ups though, won't they clash with work?".

It is very selfish, it's the age old assumption that childcare is the mother's responsibility &, although it's fine for a dad to help out when convenient to him, the moment he gets a better offer it's left for mum to organise again without a second thought. I'm not for a minute suggesting that all households work like that, but sadly very many I know do! Even when mum in the main wage earner.

Is there any chance you could reduce your hours at work if he is going to be bringing in some money?

I agree he has been a selfish twat and hope you do play merry hell with him when you see him tonight. I am also with you on not understanding why people think he 'gets off' on this (or however it was phrased).

i think in the absence of any other evidence, it's fucking selfish, rather than abusive.

and to that end, you have to sit down with him and tell him that he cannot take the job, and if he does, knowing full well how stressed and unwell you are, working and having to do more childcare than he does (and that his job will not cover all your expenditure), that you will have to rethink what's best for your marriage.and that he must think of the family, including you, not himself, and that any decisions that are made must be made together.the job he's accepted is not suitable for your needs as a family, and he has agreed ([promised) to be a SAHD for the foreseeable future. he has to stick by his promise until he can get a job that can pay towards the extra money required for a childminder.

Totally disgusting behaviour. Not the behaviour of a dedicated family man at all. To be honest I don't think I'd want him in charge of my DCs if he clearly doesn't want to do the whole 'kids thing'.

I thought selfish and thoughtless rather than abusive. Interesting timing though, that he doesn't get a job until you've done what he wants and turned down the less stressful work - is it something he particularly didn't want you to do?

Apologies if I missed you saying otherwise but it is very dishonest to have hidden the fact he was looking for work.

Love the fact that it's fine for you to be stressed up to the eyeballs with childcare you are a woman after all but oh no he is far too good for SAH. Twat.

I imagine that he has probably thought that having the kids is hard going, and getting a job is his Get Out Of Jail Free card, while completely forgetting that it isn't just pixies who pick up the slack, but YOU. And that you can't do that in your current job. Is he usually a bit dim?

I'm really sorry you're going through this Wilted - believe me, I know exactly how it feels to be stuck in a stressful job that's making you ill and trying to keep everything going at the same time. I don't know what your MH issues are (and am not asking) but, for example, if the stress was causing you extreme anxiety and/or sleepless nights then you must have felt as if some of the weight had been lifted from you once you'd discussed this plan of action to help alleviate some of the stress.

And now that's gone.

I obviously don't know your DH but it does seem to me as if something other than mere thoughtlessness prompted him to do what he did and that was break a promise to you without any prior warning or discussion, which basically dumped you back in the shit you were so desperate to escape from. Thing is, thoughtlessness, to me, is when you do something - maybe on the spur of the moment, maybe 'cos you're caught up in excitement - without pausing to think through all the implications that decision might have upon other people. You don't mean any deliberate harm - you've just got carried away, and hadn't thought. Maybe even there were consequences to your decision that you wouldn't have thought of unless someone else informed you.

But this ..... he knew what the deal was for you. He knew you're currently finding everything too stressful to cope with without it impacting upon your mental health. He knew he'd made you a promise. He knew that you could only continue in your current stressful role if he supported you by being at home. So - what he did wasn't thoughtless because he'd already been fully aware of the bigger picture before he acted.

I don't know what prompted him to do what he did I really don't. Yes, selfishness at the very least. Do what he wants and sod the effect on you. Have you actually had any sort of explanation and justification from him yet ? I just can't understand why a supposedly loving partner would jeopardise their partner's MH unless they'd already found solutions for the tasks which their partner was finding too much. If he does have the answer to that then great but if he's expecting you to pick up the pieces and then metaphorically fall to pieces in the process then that's appalling.

I would do as some of the others have suggested in asking him how he plans to organise the children's school/nursery runs twice a day. Just let him know that he can take any job he likes so long as he keeps to his promise of taking that load off you. You should also let him know that working full time does not mean he can step out of household chores and that he must be the one to stay at home when the children are I'll. Then you can tell him you support him in doing this job if its what he really wants.

Try to be a bit crafty here. He promised, by promising to be a SAHD to take the load of children/house off you. He has now chosen to seek work, that does not mean he can opt out of the promise he made to you abour the offloading. So ask him how he plans to sort out children and the blow up in his face if he dares to suggest that you do those things again.

I agree with th poster who said men always do what they want work-wise and expect the women to sort everything out around them - that's my experience anyway

Well I'm home and we've Talked. He remembers the conversation being that he'd do the childcare if nothing turned up in the next few weeks, not it being set in stone. He thought it would take some of the pressure off if he was earning too and has spoken to childcare about having kids earlier / later so I don't have to do all of the running around, even though it means doing a big round trip.

So perhaps I was a bit harsh calling him a selfish shit head after all. More things to discuss when the kids are in bed. But not an abusive bastard. Who knew.

Definitely don't jack your job in - when you live with a selfish, stupid, fucking twat you need to be able to earn a good wage yourself if you can.

He is being beyond selfish, thoughtless & stupid. Doesn't he care about you as a person at all? Why would he put you in this situation?

I would simply ask him how he plans on doing the childcare now because, as you have explained to him, you can't do it & he agreed to do it. Let it be his problem how it gets done. Stupid fucking wanker.

I'm still a bit pissed about him taking it without talking to me first, and I'm sure that the convo we had about him staying home is somewhere in between our two recollections, but we'll just have to see how it goes.

Make sure that when you talk later you don't agree to do more than you can comfortably do and if you still feel that the only was it will physically work out it's going to be too much for you then tell him that it's not going to work, you'd rather he was looking after the kids than working minimum wage (that you don't totally need) and perhaps discuss the kind of job/hours he could do that would work for you all as a family and ask him to look for a job that fits that criteria - OR say you'll give it a months trial but that it's HIS job that will have to go if it doesn't work out.

Also, it sounds a bit like he's worked out what to say to you to make you less angry, as surely he would KNOW that he'd agreed to do the childcare or you wouldn't have withdrawn your application for the other job