Luciano: Don't let new laws distract drivers

After cellphones become illegal behind the wheel next week, will cheeseburgers be far behind?

Wouldn't surprise me. That's how laws elsewhere are headed.

For the record, I wave the white flag on the stupid cellphone ban. As I've pointed out here, statistics and studies conflict as to whether cellphone bans improve driver safety. But I give up, because the ban begins Jan. 1.

In New Jersey, the state Assembly recently passed an expansion of its "distracted driving" ban, which already includes cellphones. The proposed law, which also would have to be approved by the state Senate, would penalize drivers found to "engage in any activity unrelated to the operation of a motor vehicle in a manner that interferes with the safe operation of the vehicle." But nothing is spelled out. Traffic cops would have total discretion, and fines start at $200.

A lot of residents there are freaking out. For instance, some worry that illegalized behind-the-wheel behaviors might include putting on makeup. Actually, that one makes sense. You'd think people in New Jersey would have smarter things to worry about, such as the fact that they live in New Jersey.

But observers say the ban certainly would include eating behind the wheel. CBS News points to a study by a British university claiming that drivers are less likely to maintain proper control of a car while eating. Overall, the study says, eating behind the wheel can increase the chances of an accident by 80 percent.

Maybe that's true. Then again, this study was done in England, where they eat things like blood sausage. That's essentially pudding-in-a-tube, made of animal blood: cow, pig, lamb, goat — the British love it all. Can you imagine eating congealed goat blood behind the wheel? Indeed, it could cause distracted driving, especially as you'd likely be retching all over the inside of the windshield, blocking your vision.

For us normal people in America, it's hard to imagine a burger being so distracting as to cause many problems. I mean, we don't eat behind the wheel for a gourmet dining experience. That's why you don't see a drive-through at Jim's or The Fish House.

Rather, we gobble fast food when short on time or cash. One hand on the wheel and eyes ahead, we mindlessly root through the bag, pull off a wrapper and jam a McCarp (or whatever) into our craw. There's no discriminating taste test here: we're not smacking our lips and marveling aloud, "My heavens! These reconstituted onions are just fabulous today!" Nope. We just shovel it down and keep on driving, wondering if there's enough time to stop for Tums before getting back to work.

Still, some folks are taking aim at eating-behind-the wheel. As of yesterday, the city of Auburn, Wash., (pop. 71,000) has made a crime of what it calls inattentive driving. Motorists can be fined $250 or more for just about any behavior that pulls your eyes off the road — including eating.

But the ordinance isn't entirely stupid. You also no longer can legally gawk at car accidents, a dumb habit of many motorists everywhere — and one that often triggers traffic jams. I think such gape-jawed doltishness should be punishable with life imprisonment, if anyone in Springfield is listening.

The Auburn ordinance also prohibits drivers from turning toward a child in the backseat. Sure, that's unsafe. But parents need that weapon to calm down the craziness that often erupts back there, right? Without yelling, how else do you get them to stop the shrieking mom-he's-touching-me-again nonsense?

Maybe to restore order, you instead could hand juice or cookies to the little people in the back seat. But pretty soon, that'll probably be illegal, too — not eating in the back seat, but having kids or anyone else back there. Or maybe back seats entirely. Or even cars in general.

Life is dangerous, after all. Lawmakers want to keep us safe us from it.

PHIL LUCIANO is a Journal Star columnist. He can be reached at pluciano@pjstar.com, facebook.com/philluciano, 686-3155 or (800) 225- 5757, Ext. 3155. Follow him on Twitter @LucianoPhil.