Free writing workshop for aspiring authors of young adult and middle grade fiction. The first five pages may be all that agents, editors, and readers read, so get them right with the help of three authors over the course of three weeks. During the third week, an agent will also critique your pages and your pitch and pick a workshop winner - the prize is a partial request!

Sunday, October 16, 2016

1st 5 Pages October Workshop - Bynum Rev 2

Name: Karen Y. BynumGenre: MG FantasyTitle: THE LUCK EXCHANGE

Pitch:

Twelve-year-old Madelece desperately wants to fix her broken luck, so she’ll be loved by her perfect mother, the Mistress Gardener.

In the elven afterlife, the mystical power of luck is used for everything from hatching offspring out of pumpkins to frivolously changing a red rose to blue. One day, Madelece successfully uses luck but accidentally catches a thief. There's sadness, or anger—hard to tell with boys—in his eyes, and she lets him go. She discovers the boy is luckless and was stealing rice to feed his younger sister. Despite his protests, she befriends him—but has to keep it secret or risk being isolated by her mother.

As their friendship grows, Madelece witnesses just how much those with luck fear and distrust those without. And she realizes it’s a privilege to have luck, even if it doesn’t always work properly. Except, that isn’t good enough for the Mistress Gardener, and when her mother starts working on a mysterious cure, offspring go missing. Soon, but not soon enough, Madelece sees the Mistress Gardener for who she truly is and learns that Mother’s love comes at a price.

Pages:

When elves die by sword or sorrow,Owls make certain they see tomorrow.Their souls are planted and reborn.With pasts erased, they do not mourn.But compassion fades and hearts hardenAs rumors take root and poison the Garden.Earthworms of anxiety knotted in Madelece’s belly. She’d barely slept the night before, as on so many nights lately. If only she could, then her luck would replenish itself. Somehow, she had to find a way to ask her mother permission to visit the healing place.

After taking a deep breath, she got out of her canoe and pulled it onto the sand. She scanned the plain oak canoes anchored to the shore by luck, until she spotted Mother’s, smooth and tan with the faint black stripes of orca wood.

She turned back to her canoe. “Madelece says, Stay.” Her voice was strong and sure. She reached down and gave the boat a small test push, and it scooted back into the water. Jinx! Thank the Owls no one was around to see her failure. Quickly, she grabbed the edge before it floated away. Her maple tea was in there—and she would need every drop of sugary goodness to get her through this—along with the cloak her papa had made for her.

Father, she reminded herself. Not Papa. Mother liked her to call him Father.

Once she found the in-case-of-no-luck rope she kept hidden under the seat, she tied it to a nearby tree, securing her canoe. She shivered and shook down her hair over her shoulders—it was cooler in the valley than where her papa lived on the fringe of the isle. A lance of sunlight turned copper waves to bright orange; she shoved them back, out of sight.

Madelece gathered her satchel and took a long drink of her maple tea. If the healers could cure her sleeplessness, she’d be fixed. And if afterwards, at last, her luck worked properly, she could make Mother proud of her… But, it would mean staying with her papa during the Rite of Names ceremony, and Mother wouldn’t like that.

With effort, she forced the thought aside. Okay. She could do this. At least, she had to try. She pushed a low branch out of her way, and it swatted her bare legs as she passed.

The path snaked through the woods. Early morning sunlight dusted the forest floor. Familiar raven ca-caws echoed around her, and rabbits scurried into their burrows as she walked by. Despite this, and the closeness of hundreds of trees, the woods felt empty.

The trees began to thin out when she neared the clearing. At the edge of the open field were three giant pine trees. The one in the middle was perfect for climbing because of its evenly spaced branches, but the one on the end was perfect for hiding things.

After a quick glance around, she ducked under the boughs. She pulled open the drawstrings of her satchel, got out the cloak, and hung it over the highest branch she could reach.

When she stepped out of the forest, she practically walked into a wall of flowery perfume. The too-sweet smell of roses stuck to the inside of her nose, like snot she couldn’t sneeze out.

To her right was the pumpkin patch filled with orange, luckfull pumpkins. From here, she couldn’t tell if there were any silver ones, but there were almost always luckless hatchlings. Hopefully, there wouldn’t be many this harvest. The afterlife wasn’t exactly easy on the luckless, and even harder on the forgotten. But, they wouldn’t know if there were any forgotten until the hatchlings were ready for delivery. Then, the storks would either deliver them, or not.

On the other hand, she’d find out how many luckless pumpkins there were either later today or tomorrow when the harvest began. She’d taken part in the harvest since she was five, so this would be her sixth year.

Directly in front of her stood Mother’s small stone cottage, surrounded by a hedge of roses as blue as forget-me-nots. Only powerful luck could grow them in that color—the roses were one of Delora's few splurges.

The anxiety in her belly tightened as she gripped her satchel and walked around the side of the cottage to the front door. In the distance, golden rays peeked over the mountain top. The dirt road in front of the cottage was busy with villagers going into town, and gardeners heading to the Garden.

Madelece wanted to slip inside unnoticed and have another cup of maple tea before beginning the day. It’d been an early start this morning, leaving Father’s house and then fighting without luck the can-never-make-up-its-mind-which-way-to-flow river.

She raced up the stairs and reached for the door, just as it swung open. Jinx. Mother’s booming voice made her jump, and the last sip of her maple tea sloshed out of her travel mug.

“Ma-da-lease!” she called. “Sweet girl. You’ve returned!” The tall woman pulled Madelece into her bony embrace. “How are you, my love?” She continued without actually pausing long enough for a reply. “Did you have a smooth journey? From your last pigeon, I expected you home later this evening.”

Madelece’s cheeks grew warmer as she caught glimpses of villagers gawking at the reunion. Just what she wanted.

Mother finally loosened her hold and took in the sight of her daughter. Madelece fidgeted with the hem of her tunic. It wasn’t quite as loose as it had been a month ago. “My goodness, dear girl, your father certainly fed you well.” Delora released Madelece completely and smiled sweetly to someone on the road. She waved. “Good morning, Otto.”

“Good morning, Mistress Gardener,” he replied.

“My daughter has returned! I’ve missed her so. I may be in late this morning.”

Her mother always made it sound like Madelece had run away from home. She started to say she was fine and for Mother to go to work whenever she needed, but Otto replied with, “Take your time. Offspring are a blessing from the Owls.”

“That they are.” Her mother turned back to Madelece and herded her toward the door. “I’m sure you’re starving, Maddy.” Once inside, she gestured toward the kitchen. “Delora says, Prepare a breakfast feast.”

They walked on to the den. It was a cozy room with a fireplace, a bookcase built into the back wall between two windows, a small couch, and two fluffy chairs. Everything neatly in its spot. Immaculate. Just like her mother. They passed through an archway into the kitchen and sunroom where pots and pans clanked out of the cupboards and eggs floated from the icebox, along with boar slices.

“That’s all right, Mother. We can just go to the Gar—”

“Nonsense, dear girl. You need to eat. I wouldn’t want your father telling people I don’t feed you.” She smiled and smoothed an invisible wrinkle from her apron before taking Madelece’s satchel and unloading each item onto the oversized dining table. It barely fit in the sunroom, but after Madelece’s parents parted ways, Delora had insisted on keeping it. Didn’t make sense to Madelece—the table had been in Crale’s family for centuries—but she did like having something of her papa’s close by.

“I’ll wash and press your clothes later. I don’t have the time right now.”

Madelece had hoped Mother would notice how wrinkle-free and orderly they were—arranged by color and thickness—because Madelece had used luck packing the clothes.

Hey Karen! That pitch is really interesting and promises an engaging story! I didn’t know that ‘Mistress Gardener’ was a job name! I thought Madelece’s last name was Gardener (I had a prof with that same name, so that’s probably why). I’m sure that is probably cleared up in later pages, and I don’t think you need to provide ALL of the answers right away.

Nice last line in the pitch- very ominous.

Now that some of the concepts aren’t capitalized I’m imagining that the storks and the delivery are just that- actual storks and deliveries of children. Is this what you intended? If so, it’s way clearer now. Though if you want to distinguish 'luck' the word from 'Luck' the magic, I think caps here would be OK :)

I find it interesting that these elves eat boar! So they are not your typical elves. I totally thought your characters were humans that possessed magical abilities. I’m wondering if there’s a way you can let us know they aren’t? I personally like to know what protagonists are from the get go in high fantasy.

I like the mother’s perfectionism- comes across really nicely!

With the pitch I have a better understanding of the scope of the story! Sounds like fun :)

Solid opening pitch line. It really sets the stakes well. And meshes with what we learn of the protagonist in the first five pages.

You do a great job describing the importance of luck. Really like the rose example you used for the frivolous. It stood out to me immediately.

I really love the contrast between the last sentences of the first and second paragraph. The MC may want to her mother’s admiration, but it’s clear that she won’t compromise on her own identity to achieve it.

The mention of the luckless boy sets the stage for a major story conflict, so overall the second paragraph raises the conflict really well.

I personally like a bit of ambiguity, so I enjoyed the last line of the pitch. The last paragraph hints at possible drastic practices that her mother is involved at, but forces the reader to wonder what it could mean.

The pitch flows very well and does an amazing job capturing the essence of your first five pages. I liked that you took away a lot of the capitalization. It was a bit overwhelming and now it makes the few capitalized words left (Owls/Garden) stand out more. Overall you did a great job with the revision!

Another great revision, leaving me little to quibble about. But let's do that first, then go on to the pitch.

I like the way you tweaked Madelece noticing her hair -- it both lets us readers in on the color and texture, giving us a mental picture, and it indicates Madelece's dislike for her copper-orange waves.

That Papa lives on the fringe of the isle rather than just on a beach is a good change, as it gives me a better idea of your setting, makes me think the elves all live in the same geographical/dimensional area. I was thinking Papa lived in the human world or dimension -- or, if he DOES, then maybe this revision isn't quite there yet?

Not sure why the ellipses after "she could make Mother proud of her..." Rather than a period.

"Tunic" rather than plain "shirt" is good -- gives a better idea of the garment and sounds more "elvish" somehow.

That's it! On to the pitch. Overall I find it compelling. A few suggestions:

"In the elven afterlife" leaves me wanting a little clarification. Does this mean that Madelece and all the others on the isle are elves who have died and been reborn (rehatched)? Or does it mean only the afterlife is elven, and humans who die enter it as elves? It might not distract me so much if I hadn't already read the opening, which doesn't strike me as "afterlifely," that is, if I was reading a query letter prior to the sample. Close call whether to add more (brief) explanation, though could be worth trying.

The thieving boy sounds like an important character, so I'd like to know his name. It could be inserted here: "There's sadness, or anger -- hard to tell with boys -- in Fred's eyes." (Probably not really Fred, right?) Then you can substitute the name for a couple other vaguely vague references to "the boy" or "him."

Not sure what it means that Madelece will be "isolated by her mother" if Mother discovers her new friendship. Another verb?

"...that isn't good enough for the Mistress Gardener, and when her mother starts working on..." Especially if I was reading the pitch first and didn't know the story, I might think "her mother" was not Madelece's but the Mistress Gardener's mom. Maybe "...for the Mistress Gardener, and when she starts working on..."

A mysterious cure for what? And how does this relate to Madelece's friendship with "Fred"? I get a little confused at this point.

The close: Madelece always seems to know that Mother's love comes at a price. So maybe her epiphany would be more like "comes at too high a price"?

I'm glad I'm not the agent who has to pick among these four queries and pages -- I'd likely send out four full requests! Very impressed by the workshop participants of this October, month of pumpkins (orange ones, I hope) and creepy creatures (spitting cobras!) and could-be revenants (Leo, Harvey, are you OUT there?)

While it’s great that you establish Madelece’s motivations early on, I think it might help to do so a little bit more gradually. This may be a matter of rearranging some of the pieces you already have to give the lay of the land a little bit better and make this read more like the back of an exciting book I want to pick up.

Maybe something like “Madelece is an unlucky girl, in every sense of the word. By a stroke of misfortune, she seems to have lost her Luck, the mystical power used from everything to from hatching offspring out of pumpkins to changing a red rose to blue. Making matters worth, her mother is the Mistress Gardener of the afterlife, and for her a Luckless daughter is hard to love. So, Madelece spends every spare moment searching for a solution, hoping to fix what’s broken about her.” Something like that?! Just an example, of course. But I think laying out the world just a little before will help us understand the predicament that Madelece is in here.

Otherwise I think you did a great job. Perhaps just make it clear that luck is a special magic in this book, not just the regular luck we know. Perhaps give this power a different name, or capitalize?

Pages:

I love the atmosphere here. I would have loved to have seen the atmosphere a little bit more in the pitch. “Earthworms of anxiety” is such a fantastic image and I love the spooky opening poem!

You also do a nice job of establishing Madelece’s somewhat conflicted relationship with her mother early on. There isn’t really anything overt happening just yet but you can definitely sense the anxiety in their relationship for Madelece and that something is off. Great!

I think it might help for us to see Madelece try to use her luck (and fail) before we get the bit about the healing place. Perhaps preserve the mystery of what exactly Madelece wants for just a bit longer rather than having her goal revealed in the narration. We can observe it as she approaches her mother.

I also like the subtle world building you were able to work in, mentioning the Owls as some kind of religious figures. I wasn’t clear, though, are Madelece and her mothers elves themselves? They could be regular people in a world of magic. It might be a good idea to clarify that. And perhaps add a bit about how elves are different from humans throughout the book so that we know we are dealing with non-humans.

Nice work! You have a great voice for fantasty. Thanks for the chance to read.

While it’s great that you establish Madelece’s motivations early on, I think it might help to do so a little bit more gradually. This may be a matter of rearranging some of the pieces you already have to give the lay of the land a little bit better and make this read more like the back of an exciting book I want to pick up.

Maybe something like “Madelece is an unlucky girl, in every sense of the word. By a stroke of misfortune, she seems to have lost her Luck, the mystical power used from everything to from hatching offspring out of pumpkins to changing a red rose to blue. Making matters worth, her mother is the Mistress Gardener of the afterlife, and for her a Luckless daughter is hard to love. So, Madelece spends every spare moment searching for a solution, hoping to fix what’s broken about her.” Something like that?! Just an example, of course. But I think laying out the world just a little before will help us understand the predicament that Madelece is in here.

Otherwise I think you did a great job. Perhaps just make it clear that luck is a special magic in this book, not just the regular luck we know. Perhaps give this power a different name, or capitalize?

Pages:

I love the atmosphere here. I would have loved to have seen the atmosphere a little bit more in the pitch. “Earthworms of anxiety” is such a fantastic image and I love the spooky opening poem!

You also do a nice job of establishing Madelece’s somewhat conflicted relationship with her mother early on. There isn’t really anything overt happening just yet but you can definitely sense the anxiety in their relationship for Madelece and that something is off. Great!

I think it might help for us to see Madelece try to use her luck (and fail) before we get the bit about the healing place. Perhaps preserve the mystery of what exactly Madelece wants for just a bit longer rather than having her goal revealed in the narration. We can observe it as she approaches her mother.

I also like the subtle world building you were able to work in, mentioning the Owls as some kind of religious figures. I wasn’t clear, though, are Madelece and her mothers elves themselves? They could be regular people in a world of magic. It might be a good idea to clarify that. And perhaps add a bit about how elves are different from humans throughout the book so that we know we are dealing with non-humans.

Nice work! You have a great voice for fantasty. Thanks for the chance to read.

Since Lisa can’t read I’m hoping I can offer my advice! First of all, these pages are so smooth, and you write beautifully. I love the world building – the canoe that won’t stay, the roses, the descriptions of the forest – just gorgeous! I was also intrigued by these pages, and would definitely keep reading – so Bravo!

Regarding the pitch – is the boy human? I would make it clear either way. And did she have luck before – but now its not working – or has it never worked properly? Other than that, you have an intriguing concept and great stakes!

For the pages, I loved the dynamic between mom and daughter. There was definite tension, but not overdone. But I was again confused about the luck. If she sleeps will she be good as new? Why isn’t she sleeping? Where does her father live – in the same realm? I am not advising you to info dump – not at all, but anytime something isn’t clear, the reader is pulled out of the story. If all she needs is sleep – just add something like the last time she was here she had no trouble using her luck to command the boat. Once you make the world a bit clearer I think these pages will be close to perfect!

This has been such a wonderful opportunity. I've enjoyed reading everyone's fantastic stories! Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to share such constructive feedback. I've found this workshop so helpful! BIG thank you!!

Coming in under the wire, but honestly I don't have much to critique for the pages. They still read pretty clean to me, and I still love the mother daughter relationship and the magic you're setting up. I would suggest reading it out loud to catch any lingering awkward spots, but then I always suggest that. :)

As far as the pitch goes, I really like it, and was super intrigued by the conflict! I think maybe it could read a little bit more smoothy, but I agree with Shannon that it's probably more of a rearranging thing than a total rewrite. Usually queries tell us 1.) who the person is 2.) what they want and 3.) what is stopping them from getting it. Just a touch more time on who Madelece is would probably help your pitch out.

Honestly, this looks like a really interesting story and I wish you the best of luck with it!

FREE FIRST FIVE PAGES WORKSHOP

Our September workshop will open for submissions on Saturday, September 2nd at noon, EST. Participants will be mentored by two published authors through three rounds of revisions and receive additional feedback from our literary agent mentor on their first five pages and their pitch. The agent mentor will offer additional feedback to the best of the five manuscripts in the workshop.