Have you ever taken one of those personality tests? Pretty
certain I’ve taken nearly all of them during my career. One told me I was a sea
otter, another a shepherd, another a maximizer and yet another said I was an
introverted perfectionist.

I’ve been thinking a lot about personality lately as I try
to figure out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, professionally
speaking.

My conclusion is that these personality tests are bullshit.
If an employer really wanted a truthful evaluation, they would require the
questions be filled out by our mothers, best friends, partners and children.
Let’s face it, we answer those personality questions based on who we wish we
were rather than who we really are. Or maybe that’s just me.

My personality tests often indicated I was a perfectionist,
detail-oriented and logical. About three years ago, I realized it was all a big
lie. Part of my eye-opening came when my husband first questioned how I could be
such a great writer and editor when everything that comes out of my mouth is
grammatically incorrect or a swear word, my vocabulary is horrific and
childlike, and making up words is my special skill.

OK, so if I'm being honest, those weren't his exact words. They are just what I heard. And if I’m still being honest, the inquiry was valid and made me think. (For the record, making up words shows
creativity and imagination, not an inability to use the dictionary.)

So I had to face the reality that I’m not exactly a
perfectionist about some things—like using the correct word when speaking or
cleaning the house or being on time. OK, so actually I’m not a perfectionist
about almost anything. Kind of weird given how all the personality tests said I
was.

Apparently, I am also not detail-oriented. This I realized after
noticing the frequency with which my then three-year-old would start a sentence
with “Mommy, did you forget to <fill in the blank>?” Or when I actually
asked her to remember something for me, like her own doctor’s appointment. Hmmm…perhaps
not so detail-oriented.

Then I started looking at the piles of papers on my desk and
opening file drawers only to quickly close them in horror. Either terrible
office elves were wreaking havoc on my system or I didn’t actually have a
system, which would mean my perception of myself as being organized was being blown
out of the water.

Thus came the realization that personality tests are full of
crap and so am I.

My perfectionism and attention to details are limited to one
area of life only: editing, which is good because it means my 19-year career
hasn’t been a total sham. As for being organized, painful as it is to admit, it would seem my husband and his detailed planning spreadsheets have been keeping me on
task for the last 17 years.

When you’re trying to learn how to be your authentic self,
at some point you have to give up your misconceptions of yourself. You have to
look in the mirror and honestly answer this question: Who am I?

This is a far different question than “who do I want to be?”
By the time we hit 40, we pretty much are who we are and at some point, we
simply have to embrace ourselves, flaws and all, and make the best of it.

So here’s who I really am: a creative, scatter-brained,
introspective, sarcastic, unobservant, easily distracted, emotional yet
terrified of being vulnerable woman who is inclined to veer off on tangents. I’m
someone who wishes she was detail-oriented and organized but is learning that
not being those things is OK. It’s a different picture than the one I had in my head all these years, but it definitely feels more real.

Has anybody else discovered that when you start being honest with yourself, you aren't quite the person you always thought you were?

Comments

My challenge is that I think I'm no where near the person I actually am! You know my story. I listened too much to other people who constantly downgraded me and therefore, I lost any and almost all confidence or self-esteem I painfully had gained.

But honestly, Heidi, I personally think you are much more than the person you thought you were! ;) Love you, buddy!

Hugs,Rebecca

Comments are closed.

About me

I’m a 40-year-old woman with a darling young daughter, a long-term marriage and an established career. To onlookers, I have it all together. But in rare moments when I'm solo in the car and a throwback song comes on the radio, I sometimes have an overwhelming urge to drink myself silly, dance my ass off and make-out with strangers.
Read more...I’m not that young or foolish any more, but I also don’t feel old (despite increasing wrinkles). I am caught somewhere between young and old and I’m not the only one. This blog is for those of us who are still dancing queens yet, rather than yearning for the good old days, are wise enough to recognize that this crazy, in-between, complex time in our lives is life’s sweet spot.
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