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Life sucks. It does. It’s not rainbows and butterflies, nor it is bound to have a perfectly happy ending.

W-w-wait! Before you move on to the next blog on your feed, I should say that this isn’t one of those rants that have become a regular on my blog for the past months. Believe me, it’s more beautiful than any of my feel good posts in the past!

So I have been spending my 3-day vacation procrastinating on work and just going on long, fast drives, which I should say, calm me and allow me to hear my mind think. –> weird. I know. I also got movies for days like today when I just plan on staying in at my apartment. I also got to the Church just in time for the Gospel and homily, just when I thought that I was too late.

I also got presents for my mom for Mother’s day and for my sister as a late birthday present, and since I don’t know when I’m going back, I got my titas, girl cousins, my brother’s girlfriend and my dad gifts too.

At the end of the day, I am about 6k poorer (half was probably spent for meself), but I’m happier.

I also did my own cards for everyone, and not just any card, embossed cards! Who would’ve thought I’d find a store here in Cebu which would make my heart flutter in all its art-craving valves and chambers?!

I went grocery shopping coz I wanted to cook in my apartment. I have red rice, so I went out to get food that can go with it.

I bought vegetables coz I am craving for healthy food. The lola that I am, IKR? I got asparagus and thought, boy it isn’t that expensive after all. I wish I could say the same for broccoli though.

At the cashier, my debit card acted up. My total grocery cost was about 1.5k, but I only got 1.2k cash so I had to return a plastic container and a 6-L drinking water. And I went home with almost empty pockets, but I got home.

Then I cleaned out my room/apartment, and just as the day was about to end, my neighbor, who’s also a colleague gave me her 4-rack shelf that came with the room. My room is now more spacious and more organized and not to mention, more livable. I like how I can put books and display a bit of my art on top of the shelf.

Then after cleaning up, I cleaned up for Church and even if it said 7:10pm on the clock, I didn’t lose hope. How dramatic, but I am always dramatic when it comes to God. Traffic was building up, but I was only about 10metres away from the church. I almost made a run for another church, coz I couldn’t hear the priest from where I was, windows down, but I went with my instincts and went for it. I got there at 7:30pm, and like what I said, just in time for the Gospel.

You know, I’ve been meaning to write for the longest time, or to write more often, but I found my old journal and I have been writing my thoughts in private lately. They say it’s therapeutic. I think so too, but these things are good enough to share so I’m putting it all out here.

Last night, after I got some goodies delivered to my brother, I went to get a copy of Pay It Forward, coz I wanted some positivity in life right now, but I got something better, at least I think it is, for now. I got “HAPPYTHANKYOUMOREPLEASE“. It’s a Sundance winner, which I only realized now, after looking at the dvd case.

It is a special movie that is now close to my heart. It’s set in NYC, only my fave city in the world and with twenty-something characters?!? Get out! It is a movie to die for! I am exaggerating, nonetheless, you should see it! We get as much good vibes as we can from the world, while we can, right?

I could relate to all the characters as I saw myself in all of them at different points in my life. I bet you will do to. We all go through our twenties unsure, undecided, lost. Some may pass that point in a bliss, others may take quite a while before they get back on track. *coughs* It doesn’t matter. What’s important is we move on, we live life the way we want, better than yesterday, if we can. Pursue a life that will pave way for others or for the next generation if we must.

One great takeaway from the movie though is it’s title. If you’re wondering, Malin’s character, Annie got in a cab and the driver just told her out of the blue that we should be thankful, all the time and then ask for “more please?” because the world is abundant because of it. Simple right, but it struck me and makes me want to make it a life mantra that I’ll add to my wall of weird/inspo wall/art wall.

cab driver: “Bliss is your birth right. You have great potential in this lifetime. The key to your life is gratitude, but you do not give enough thanks. Say Thank you all the time, then say, More Please! With gratitude, the universe is eternally abundant!”

If that didn’t make you want to watch it, then don’t. JK! Go see it for yourself!

As I’m typing this, I just finished another film, a local movie called “Mr. and Mrs. Cruz” which I also got last night as I was looking for “Pay It Forward”; and no, it’s not a local version of the Brangelina flick.

Like the other movie, I’m glad I got it because it isn’t the typical bitter film about break ups. It’s lighter than an airy cotton candy, which makes it my now go-to break up film in the future, if I’ll be needing it. I like the characters’ chemistry, the less heart-wrenching, dramatic scenes. There are a lot of hugot lines, but what makes it different is perhaps, the characters’ optimism and the fact that they didn’t end up together, or so I think. I loved how they managed to make the script less cringe-y, though there are still some scenes that are hard to watch. This movie makes soul-searching less dramatic and more exciting. It is a better “That Thing Called Tadhana”, especially when you’re already in that acceptance stage of loss and grief. You’ll appreciate it more!

You know when it’s all been said and done, what’s left to do is to think, to ponder, to relax.

I went through all of what’s happened for the past days and even if there were moments when I just wanted to disappear or perhaps just be an angel (seriously been haggling with God to just turn me into an angel to guide people even if I’m more sinner than saint), God always puts me back into the right path.

Yesterday, I took out my book, “365 Days of Wonder” and was looking for a quote for mama, then I got something for myself.

“Sometimes, rejection in life is really redirection.”

I realized, I have been through so many rejections in life, in love, in my career (if you call it that), in everything, but I have slowly learned to trust that whatever path I’m treading, it is a path that would lead me to where I need to be. Always believed in that shit, but that shit’s all I have, but God is all I have and with God are my family, my friends and loved ones.

I woke up extra early this morning as usual, probably because of my anxiety or I’m just really old now and old people wake up at 5 on the dot. I wanted to go back to sleep but my mind is too noisy, so I prayed. I wanted to relax so I picked up my Regina Brett book, “God is Always Hiring”, which I got when I was unemployed in 2016. I read lessons 26-30. Each of these “lessons” have real stories of people that have overcome hardships at work.

The last lesson said “There’s no whining on the yacht”. Basically it just said that if you’re currently going through a lot at work and sometimes, you get a little too over dramatic and plan to quit, you have to realize that you’re one of the few lucky ones who has a job to pay for the bills, to put a roof over your head and occasionally splurge on things you love. They mentioned http://www.waterislife.com and how they created a video of children from 3rd world countries reading on complaints of people from 1st world countries. I don’t have to see the video to realize what the point is, because I believe that what these children are going through are more traumatic and gut-wrenching than any of our “gee, my charger won’t reach my bed” problems. I am from a third-world country but I should be ashamed for all the complaints I have been putting out into the world, spreading negativity into a already sad world. First world problems are not problems.

I could go on and on on how one day, I am down and depressed and on other days, I’m back looking for the good in the bad.

Life sucks. It is what it is, but we can always make it better.

I want to share good vibes whenever I can because it is what I can do now to make others feel better. I may be failing a lot lately at what I do, but like anything in this world, it is not permanent. So try to make others smile when they no longer can. Who knows what change that can do for them.

I sure didn’t find myself a copy of “Pay It Forward”, but I hope with what I am doing now, I get to pay the good vibes forward to you all!

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At 5:30am, just before sunrise, I went out to get some air, although a bit hesitant because of the cold.

Still, I sat outside in darkness and prayed.

I’m getting anxious again for I know that in a few days, I’ll be getting on a roller coaster ride, I don’t even know if I’ll survive.

Then I talked to Him, like I always do–as if talking to a friend. I told him how much I want to be a photographer someday and I’ll do what it takes to get there.

I told Him even if He already knew that I recently spoke with someone who’s passionate about photography too and how in a way, that shook me out of a long slumber. I was wakened by his eagerness and enthusiasm. I was inspired to follow my own dreams just as he is.

For a moment, I was envious of him for he’s young yet he knows what he wants and he works hard to get it. For a moment, I wanted to go back in time and wish I could have been braver to do the same.

I wish I could have figured this out sooner.

But regrets are useless to dwell upon. I value more the opportune chance I was given to clear my head and to see what remains constant and that is my dream. That is my heart’s desire.

I’m glad He allowed this to happen so I could see that this dream is within reach. I’m glad He helped me make up my mind and know for sure within the depths of my mind, heart and soul that this is what I truly want. I hope that this is what He wants for me as well.

I promise, that it will all be for Your glory.

Thank You for the subtle nudges You make. Thank You for sending angels time and time again.

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters”

– Colossians 3:17, 23

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Get to know me.A) What does the last text you sent say? And to whom? – It was to my friend Jan (whom I asked to come with me on my free driving day) telling her that I didn’t get any slots for it.B) What does the last text you received say? And from whom? – “Thanks ma’am” from the driving school branch secretary C) What time do you wake up most mornings? – around 5:30am -7amD) Are you afraid of walking alone at night? – only in unfamiliar places and scary neighborhoodsE) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day? – I read a lot of blogs and articles, watch Jimmy Fallon’s and Ellen’s shows, do something artsyF) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? – can’t rememberG) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school? – sadly, no. 😛 I was pretty boring in school.H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so? – I can say that I’m pretty much content with taking time off from work since I get to do a lot of the things I could only dream of when I was working full time.I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos? Not all the time 😛 Sometimes they do take a while before they sink in!J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined? – never! thank God!K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking? – Yeah.L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted? – Hmm, now that I thought about it, I did accept a bag full of imported Acetaminophen from a patient’s relative a few years ago. 😛 Nothing illegal! LOLM) Tell us something weird that turns you on. – nothing weird, really.N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual? – a few years ago. yes.O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? – no.P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? – I don’t think I am the type to avoid arguments, sooo…never, I guess?Q) Do you usually initiate hugs? – only with close friends and familyR) Are you a very affectionate person? – only with my grandma, dad and ex. S) Can you roll your own cigarettes? no.T) What are you looking forward to? last family hurrah for this year.U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more? – nope, but I’d love to get some.V) Are you mentally strong? – I’d like to think so.W) Are you physically strong? – Kind of!X) Do you think you’re a good person? – Maybe? I hope so!Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now. – My career pathZ) What do you usually eat for breakfast? – eggs or tomato/onion/bell pepper omelette, bread and tea!

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Shame on me for using a great band’s name for this (sort of) spooky entry, but I looked it up to see what it really means and if it means the same way for others what I think it means for me.

I tried squeezing my brain out for an explanation and I think that it means being tough despite having this huge fear of something. I can just imagine myself in a middle of a dark room feeling really scared while crying hard (not the depressing, wimpy cry). I’m scared to death, but I still have this tough front, to tell the unknown enemy that yeah, I may be crying, but I’m ready to punch you still. So in my imaginary scenario, I’m not just curled up in a corner, but instead ready to lash out on anything that jumps right in front of me.

So I see it working both ways or maybe just ironically. Crying can literally be a sign of weakness or maybe vulnerability but deep down, you know it’s actually a tough man’s act. After all, crying makes us feel better, right? It’s a way to vent out or flush out this negative emotion out of your system then makes you feel so much lighter after.

Okay, I just feel like I robbed this guy’s idea, but how else can you define this phrase?

It didn’t help that this guy’s definition made crying look even tougher. I mean, getting a tattoo that says “TforF” makes you wanna say, “real guys wear pink” or “tough men cry”.

I don’t know if I made sense at all. Well anyway, since I don’t think I have ever listed all of my fears in one entry before (at least not all the supernatural ones), I’m doing it today because according to Jane, one of the writers on this group I’ve been following for a long time now, “By naming it [fear], you gain control over it. It no longer has the ability to make you afraid.“. Also, it’s Halloween season, so I’m kind of in the mood to write about the scary stuff, and these shows and documentaries featuring the paranormal mysteries and unexplained phenomena that I’ve been watching the past week may have built up the momentum to do so.

So here goes the things that scare me the most (supernaturals only):

ghosts– I don’t think I’ve ever seen one or felt the presence of one though there’s still this need for me to sprint (faster than Usain Bolt) back to bed every time I have to pee in the middle of the night or when I have to climb up the stairs when most of the people at home are asleep because I ain’t scared of no ghosts, my friend, I’M NOT!!! LOL! To make it worse, I’ve just seen an interview of this priest on tv saying that souls of the departed cannot go back to the living world unless given permission SOLELY by God. So what are these entities we think people really see? Go figure it yourself coz I ain’t gonna. Pag takot, gume-ghetto?

violent ghosts/beings/entities/poltergeists – What’s scarier than harmless ghosts? Well, those that can harm you, of course. Since the priest made it perfectly clear that ghosts are only given permission by God to deal with unfinished business, which also implies that they’re of good nature, it just makes sense that those that do harm are the enemies of God; therefore, only makes these beings scarier. Insidious, The Conjuring, anyone?

batibat– (No this isn’t even close to that puppet show on tv we used to watch when we were young, millennials not included) Have you ever experienced having sleep paralysis? I almost always have before. According to Wikipedia, apparently, this brief inability to move your muscles is a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep. There you go! No biggie, there’s Science behind this sh*t, but have you also heard of the supernatural explanation for this? Well, according to this previous KJMS Gabi ng Lagim episode (not 100% sure though if it was on this show), this paralysis is caused by this big, old, fat lady that sits on top of you when you’re asleep. So when I wake up in the middle of the night (I know I’m awake because I can see my sister sleeping all the way from the other side of the room and I’m aware that I’m awake because I can see everything), unable to move, not even one finger, I’m thinking, “f*ck there’s something sitting on top of me again!”. Crazy imagination, I know.

dark – I wouldn’t really be if it weren’t for #’s 1, 2 and 3. Hate that my imagination goes crazy when it’s dark. I can imagine someone whispering in my ear or that room in the game hotel666where you have to take a picture of the ghost in a pitch black bathroom using a camera. The tension builds with the ghost not showing up in the first few takes and with the sound of the camera flash recharging before she suddenly jumps at you screaming with the scariest face and I’m scared sh*tless again.

hanging any limb off the bed – I just almost always have this weird feeling that something’s going to pull my hand, feet, even hair if it sticks out of the perimeter of my bed. I know it’s weird AF, but I’ve had this fear since I was a kid, except that when I was young, I would make a fortress out of my pillows. It doesn’t help that I cannot erase that scene when Joey King fell off her bed on the Conjuring off my mind. After seeing that, I think I slept beside my sister again for weeks and curled up in a cocoon smack dab in the middle of the bed every time, with my back against hers. It should be touching hers, btw.

In relation to #5, I used to be scared AF to sleep with my back facing the edge of the bed. When my sister and I used to sleep on the same bed, my back is always turned to her. Di bale nang magka-bedsores, hindi ako magpapalit ng posisyon hanggang magka-araw, but now that we sleep in separate beds, I’m like, “f*ck! I ain’t getting no sleep tonight!!” every night. Kidding aside, this doesn’t bother me anymore unless I’ve recently seen a scary movie.

being afraid of my own shadow – Figuratively and yes even literally! Again, this only happens when I have recently seen some scary sh*t. I get so jumpy, I literally dove/dived into my sister’s bed and woke her up at the sound of my father’s footsteps one time.

Freaky distorted faces and contorted bodies– I soooooper hate jump scares especially those that you don’t see coming therefore making you spill popcorn all over the floor and curse like shi*t so that people start giving you those death stares that tell you to shut the eff up, ang OA na kasi pero sa loob mo taena eh sa nalaglag yung bato ko sa takot eh, bakit ba? but what I hate more are those that include freaky, disturbing visuals that haunt you for days. After you’ve been caught off guard, you still have to endure whatever that thing that you saw for days, which is a good technique, btw. I’ve literally blurted out to a friend I’m with, one time, “Ano yaaaaaan? POTEK! TAE!” because I felt so confused as to what I was seeing at the moment and at the same time, I’m questioning my choice of film. Parang gusto mo ring sabihin sa direktor, “ano bang gusto mong patunayan? Ha?” That girl that freakishly smiles, or the one that doesn’t, that kid that sits in a corner, or that girl that used to be a gymnast and contorts her body in a way unimaginable, that old man that sits on a rocking chair or that nun with an espasol for a face. They make me adore jump scares, and you know I don’t.

my own imagination (scariest out of the list) – My mind’s so complex (yehes genius pala) or my imagination rather, that I sometimes think I see things that aren’t even there. Ya know, the power of x-rayperipheral vision. And even if I don’t, I think of the craziest things that could happen when I’m alone and scared. There’s this one story that gives me the chills just thinking about it. It’s one of those urban legends a schoolmate shared when I was in grade school. You see, I studied in an all-girls’, Catholic school run by nuns for 11 years, so you can just imagine tons of urban legends I’ve heard while I was there. There was particularly one that stuck with me to this very day. If I remember it correctly, there was this girl that went to pee in what we used to call the “black washroom” (I don’t know if this is what they call it still), she said that in the middle of peeing, she felt something poking her forehead. She wanted to brush it off and get the f*ck out of there, but it became too annoying that she finally looked up. What she saw sent chills down my spine. It was a nun hanging from the ceiling and the thing that was poking her forehead was the nun’s toes. FUCK DIBA?!?!??!?! Sinong grade schooler and magkkwento nun? I know this must have a thousand other versions and it must have been an urban legend from another school also run by nuns pero nakarating sya sa school namin kaya effing sh*t talaga! Kulang na lang umihi ka ng nakayuko or nakahawak sa noo eh. I still get scared at times when I think about it especially when I’m peeing in a completely empty and quiet restroom. I also imagine that girl they say that peeks from above the cubicle door when you pee but when you look at the gap below, you wouldn’t see her feet. I also hate the fact that I sometimes imagine my sister turning into some scary sh*t when I sleep on her bed, and she makes it worse by gnarling like an effing zombie with matching eye-rolling.

There are tons of scary stories I will never forget like that UP ikot story from a UP Diliman urban legends clipping that I once cut out from the newspaper, or those freaky stories that the construction workers shared when they were building our house, not to mention those that have been experienced by some of our house helps themselves in the past. I can save those for later. For now, I think I’m going to catch up on some sleep.

Woke up at 3am and I couldn’t go back to sleep, but now can because the sun’s finally out! WAhahahaha!

So you can tell by now how big of a wuss or a chicken I am for still being scared of the dark. There were times that I actually hung up the phone when friends or the boyfriend suddenly changes the topic to say, anything that’s floating. Kidding aside, I’m still grateful that somehow the phrase, “My God is bigger than my problems (or in some cases, my fears)” gives me courage. I know it would take a deeper faith to be able to conquer fears (especially those bigger than ghosts), so I’m working on it. For now, I’ll start by sticking a finger out of my bed even after just watching a scary movie. 😛 Dayum, how I wish I really have gained control of those fears by naming them. A few hours ago, I was making quick glances at the window, thinking I must be inviting negative energies just by writing this entry, but WTF, I did finish it and I did it like a boss! Even made this calligraphy quote of one of my favorite verses that I’m posting on my wall.

P.S. I really apologize for all the cursing and for trying too hard to be ghetto. My sister rubs off on me sometimes. HAHAHA 😛

Happy Halloween!

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I don’t really know my IQ. Do you know yours? I’ve always taken tests for this, but I never really got a concrete numerical value to measure my own brain functions and abilities and compare it among others’.

The last time I took one was for my previous company/employer. Despite not getting a value between 75-140+in the end, our trainer was very kind enough, not to mention, very analytical to tell us exactly what types of personalities we have based on the lengthy and extremely enduring tests we took. Unfortunately, that’s not what I am aiming for now.

I’m more curious of my intellectual capacity, but I never took the time to take an IQ test on my own because all along, I thought that it would take hours before I figure that one out.

Good thing, I found out that you can get your IQ test results in minutes. So I finally gathered up the courage to take one today through this free Highly Accurate Online IQ Test.

Thanks to this site, I learned that an

IQ test does not attempt to measure the amount of information you have learned but rather your capacity to learn.

I also found out just now that…

our IQ remains relatively fixed throughout our lives. One aspect IQ tests measure is what’s known as fluid intelligence. It describes your ability to solve abstract problems which do not depend upon skills and knowledge you’ve learned in the past. This part of your intelligence was always believed to be fixed. No matter the amount of learning or training you undertook your fluid intelligence remained constant for the duration of your life.

Like I said, it was unbelievably quick. So quick, that in some parts, I never even got the chance to blink before moving on to the next one. I’m not sure how accurate the results this test yielded exactly with the questionable time limit and all, but I did get the answers I was looking for and boy, was I surprised!

The whole test took about 5 minutes and I got a whopping IQ of 101. Apparently, 2/3 of the population’s IQ fall in between 85-115. 5% gets a score above 125 and another 5% scores below 75. Thanks Wikipedia!

Among those who scored 140 above were Sharon Stone, Quentin Tarantino, Hillary Clinton and thanks to my friend who introduced me to Stephen W. Hawking last night, I get to include him here as well.

Anyway, I always thought I would score below 100 because you know, low self esteem, but seeing that I got a 101, I kind of hoped I could have scored a little over 110! LOL, but what surprised me more was the fact that my left brain (BOOOHOOO!) scored higher than my right brain!!!

I must admit, I’d like to think of myself as more creative than logical so it came as a shock to me to find out it was the other way around. Of course, I have to blame it on the time limit or lack of sleep, just like everyone else did, justifying their terrible scores on the comments section. To be fair though, the logic tests really took a while compared to the 10 second-mathematical problems. haha!

Although the test results came as a surprise to me, I’m happy that now, I can finally walk around with a concrete figure to slap in people’s faces. JK!

Kidding aside, it was very helpful to find out my strengths and weaknesses and what steps I can take to improve on the latter. I had a swell time doing the “odd one out” test (who doesn’t?), the “creative” test wherein you have to think of a word to attach before or after the 3 given words to form whole new words and the “perception” test wherein you have to check as fast as you can which number’s missing from 0-9 and which letters were duplicated in the given sets of numbers and letters. Good brain and eye exercises, I must say!

It also feels good to know (and a good self esteem booster at that) where you’re really good at and where you probably should focus more on.

P.S. I gave the test another go and scored 104. Unfortunately that’s as high as I’m ever going to get (for now hehe) and too bad, my left brain score also got even higher than the first time. What a waste. CHOSSS!

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Nothing much to say about myself that I haven't already said in the ABOUT ME section. Currently in my late 20's, a Scorpio ♐ and my life staples are God, my family, friends, photography, mountaineering, love, laughter, hope, prayer and art.
You're welcome to read the rest of my misadventures on my personal blog and to see the world through my eyes in my photo blog. Links are posted below an odd GIF of me! :) Thanks for dropping by! Have a good one!