Terrible Bankrobbers
By
Gus Fernandez, Mitchell Hardage, and Jay Howell
Story by
Jay Howell
INT. NIGHT - BASEMENT
The Boss stands at a table, a cigar in his mouth, with seven
other men, MR. FORD, O’NEILL, WILLIAMS, FLANNIGAN, CERVELLI,
SHERMAN, and "LOUD" CARTER, and holding a pointer,
addressing the other men with authority. All of them are
huddled around a large "blueprint" that sits in the middle
of the table.
BOSS
Alright, boys, tonight’s the night.
The main event. The grand finale.
Prom night. We get in there and we
do this job right, and this time
next week we’s is gonna find
ourselves behind the wheel of ou
own private yachts. Floatin’ in the
Caribbean, eatin’ Red Lobster with
the most beautiful of women,
sunbathin on the bow.
O’NEILL
(Off camera)
Now these women, could they be
Brazilian?
BOSS
They could be any kind of broad you
want, kid. Now...
WILLIAMS
(interrupting the boss)
Can you make them Scandinavian?
BOSS
Like I said to O’NEILL not but
three seconds ago, any kinda
broads. Now before we go and light
this rocket, let’s talk out the
game plan once more. The target,
(points with his pointer to the
blueprint) as you all know, is the
Chipopee County Bank, where our MR.
FORD here (pats MR. FORD on the
back) has been posing as a security
guard for the past four months,
gaining us some important intel as
well as this blueprint of the
building.
MR. FORD
(WILLIAMS, who is off screen,
initiates knucks which MR.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
FORD is hesitant to accept,
but does. MR. FORD speaks with
a Midwestern accent and is an
aggressive gum chewer)
Oh ya, Piece’a damn cake. The
manager’s one of those homo’s, I
found out, so I bought him some
dinner, let him kiss me tenderly on
the lips...(MR. FORD pauses,
distracted in his thoughts)..and
that was that.
BOSS
MR. FORD’S shift starts at Oh 12:30
am. So we’ll hit the joint up at
2:22. All two’s. (nods and smiles
at the other men, proud of himself
for planning their attack at 2:22,
then addresses MR. FORD) Now I’ve
been doing some thinking, and I
know this is throwin’ a curveball
at you, but for appearances sake,
we’re gonna have to make it look
like you put up a fight once we’s
infiltrated the facility. So we’re
gonna have to shoot you in the leg.
MR. FORD
(Laughing nervously)
Wait, what?
BOSS
What’re you fuckin deaf? We gotta
shoot you in the leg. It’s no big
deal, kid. You’ll be a hero.
They’ll probably give you a plaque
and put it on the wall a da bank.
Hey, maybe that manager will give
you s’more of those tender kisses
on your little faggot mouth.
The group laughs at the expense of MR. FORD, who nervously
chuckles.
MR. FORD
There’s other things we could do,
though, right? Geez I mean, we
could...
Flannigan interjects. He’s old, grizzled and Irish, and
speaks with a condescending tone.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
FLANNIGAN
We’re shooting you in the fuckin’
leg, kid. God, what is it with you
young people. Show of hands here,
who’s been shot in the leg?
All the men except for MR. FORD and SHERMAN raise thei
hands. MR. FORD looks around baffled at the fact that out of
the 8 men standing around the table, 6 of them have been
shot in the leg.
BOSS
FLANNIGAN here’s gonna be goin’ in
with me. He’s the best damn
safe-cracker I know. This’ll be
our, what, 6th, 7th job together?
FLANNIGAN
(In a thick Irish accent)
15th ya stupid sack of hog cunts,
and rest assured it’ll be the last.
I’m walkin’ after this one. I’m
done. Got kids now, ya see?
FLANNIGAN drinks from a glass of liquor in front of him.
BOSS
Also joining myself and FLANNIGAN
will be our demolitions expert,
CERVELLI
CERVELLI
Boom! (CERVELLI puts a couple
sticks of dynamite wrapped togethe
with a timer on it on the table. He
gestures his hands out to his
sides, lets out a weaselly laugh
and looks around the table fo
approval) No, relax. It’s a dud, it
ain’t even...Whoa(he notices that
one of the wires is attached making
what he thought was a dud in fact a
real bomb. He quickly pulls the
wire and mutters to himself) Shit,
that woulda been bad.
BOSS
CERVELLI will mount the explosives
at the east entrance. That’ll take
care of the doors.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
SHERMAN
(off camera)
Boss, what about the alarms?
BOSS
Taken care of. (upon hearing that
the alarms have been taken care of
SHERMAN gives a victory fist pump)
The alarms will be disabled
via...a.a virus designed by our own
goddamn computer genius, O’NEILL.
The BOSS points to O’NEILL.
O’NEILL
It’s your standard Morgan 3100
systems encryption code( he spins a
small laptop around showing the
group) it’ll give us approximately
15 minutes of open access. (O’NEILL
leans back, cracks his knuckles and
looks up and to his right at LOUD
CARTER) Two semesters at MIT in 97.
BOSS
Last but not least goin in the bank
will be WILLIAMS, our paranormal
activities specialist.
The BOSS nods over to WILLIAMS.
WILLIAMS
Once I’m in the building I can get
an objective reading of the
supernatural activity using the EMF
detectors. Now I’m gonna need to
know of any exorcisms or sacrifices
performed on that property over the
last 60 years.
BOSS
Human or Animal?
CERVELLI
(interjecting)
Boss, no disrespect but do we
really need a paranormal wizard guy
on this job?
BOSS
Look, rookie. Four months’ll only
get ya so much intel. Now I ain’t
so sure this bank is haunted and I
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
BOSS (cont’d)
ain’t so sure that it ain’t. But
this ain’t a risk I’m willing to
take. Choose ya battles
FLANNIGAN
(Staring curiously at
WILLIAMS)
Williams. Hmm. I went to summe
camp in ’68 with a Carl Williams.
Any relation?
WILLIAMS
No, but, Williams is actually a
pretty common last name.
The men at the table all take a moment to consider WILLIAMS’
point.
O’NEILL
Guys, he’s right! My seventh grade
teacher? Mrs. Williams.
BOSS
Yeah ya know what? I got a barbe
goes by the name of Williams.
Cut to SHERMAN. SHERMAN is suffering from food poisoning,
and though he’s enthusiastic about the heist, is having
trouble holding back his vomit.
SHERMAN
There’s that actor, Robin Williams.
You know, from Bicentennial Man.
Sherman vomits off camera.
BOSS
My god, SHERMAN, what the hell is
wrong with you?
SHERMAN
Food poisoning sir. It’s got me
pretty bad. But don’t worry (gags),
it will not compromise the mission.
Scouts honor.
BOSS
(pointing with his finger at
SHERMAN)
See that it don’t. Movin on.
(extends the pointer and points it
at SHERMAN) SHERMAN’ll be behind
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
BOSS (cont’d)
the wheel of the get away van with
O’NEILL set up in the back maning
the computers. The van’ll be parked
here (slaps the pointer down on a
part of the table that isn’t
covered by blueprint)
SHERMAN
(nervously)
But there ain’t no map there sir.
FLANNIGAN
(irritated)
Just use your pretendin!
BOSS
They’ll be a block away at da
corner a Main and Rubicon so they’s
can see if anythings comin at us
from the Eastside. Rest a us get in
there, FLANNIGAN cracks the safe,
we get the loot, shoot MR. FORD in
da leg (MR. FORD begins to
interject but is silenced by the
BOSS’s point) which is happening.
And we’s make our exit at 2:37 at
which point da van’ll be pulling
around the corna to meet us.
(retracts his pointer) In and out.
Any questions?
O’NEILL
Yeah. How come this guy never says
much.
O’NEILL motions with his thumb to the tall quiet guy
standing to his right.
BOSS
That’s LOUD CARTER. He don’t say
much on account a the fact that he
can’t talk. He got no voicebox.
Tragic story really. LOUD CARTER
was livin down in Orlando servin
tables at the Rainforest Cafe.
DISSOLVE TO FLASHBACK OF LOUD CARTER
INT. NIGHT - RESTAURANT
LOUD CARTER has his back to the camera. He is wearing a
Hawaiian shirt. He turns around carrying a tray of drinks in
hollowed out coconuts with little umbrellas in them.
BOSS
(voice over)
He was takin a tray full of
assorted tropical beverages to a
table when out a nowhere one a them
mechanical parrots went haywire and
went right for his throat.
LOUD CARTER
Heeeeyyyyy...
From the left side of the screen a mechanical parrot swings
around and bites LOUD CARTER’s throat. He lets out a
terrible noise, throwing the tray up in the air and falling
to the ground with the parrot still attached. Cut to a shot
of the BOSS sitting alone at a table still with eyepatch and
cigar, eating a salad.
BOSS
(voice over)
I was eating at the table right
next to where this terrible scene
was unfoldin. I reacted outta
instincts. Thanks to my Navy
training I knew I had ta act fast
when dealing with birds, mechanical
or authentic. I neutralized the
bird with a butter knife and then
pryed his cold metal beak offa LOUD
CARTER, but it was too late. His
voicebox was done for.
DISSOLVE BACK TO BASEMENT
INT. NIGHT - BASEMENT
BOSS
LOUD CARTER was so grateful though
that I’d saved his life he pledged
his loyalty to me and he’s has been
helpin me rob banks eva since.
the BOSS and LOUD CARTER do a secret handshake. The rest of
the group takes a second to let the story sink in.
(CONTINUED)
.
CONTINUED:
.
SHERMAN vomits.
SHERMAN
(finishing a vomiting spell
and wiping off his mouth with
his shirt sleeve)
You know, you always hear stories
about mechanical bird attacks but
you never once think you’ll meet
one of the victims. You’re so
brave.
BOSS
LOUD CARTER’ll be up on the roof
along the West side a da bank,
keepin a lookout with a
high-powered sniper rifle just in
case. So...
CERVELLI
Boss, whoa a high-powered snipe
rifle? Don’t that seem a little
excessive. I mean mid-powered o
low-powered sniper rifle maybe as a
precautionary measure sure but...
FLANNIGAN
What the fuck is the point of a
sniper rifle if it ain’t
high-powered? I swear to Christ you
young people with your political
correctness makes me wanna fuckin
puke.
BOSS
(staring at CERVELLI)
FLANNIGAN my memory ain’t as good
as it used to be so help me’s
remember: ah the 15 heists we’s is
pulled over the years, how many
exactly have required the use of a
sniper rifle?
FLANNIGAN
(finishing a sip of his drink)
Fifteen.
BOSS
(still looking at CERVELLI)
Fifteen CERVELLI. Hundred percent.
I’m good at my job kid. Damn good.
I didn’t just wake up this morning
and says to myself, "I think I will
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
BOSS (cont’d)
devise a bank robbin scheme today."
Na-uh. Now I started this party so
I says if we need a high-powered
sniper rifle or not. Now sure five
of them times was nothing more than
a victory shot fired up into the
air as we made our get away but you
gotta do that. It’s the exclamation
point. Now when you’s grow up and
plan your own heist do whateve
you’s want. But I don’t need you
tryin to come up in my shit and try
and run my job. (pauses) Are comin
up in my shit?
CERVELLI
What?
BOSS
Simple question. Are you comin up
in my shit?
CERVELLI
...no. I’m not. no.
BOSS
I believe you.
the BOSS points at CERVELLI and smiles a little as he says
this, glad that he has handled the situation and avoided a
possible coup. With the shot still on the BOSS we hear off
camera someone doing a line of cocaine. Cut to shot of
WILLIAMS and MR. FORD. WILLIAMS is holding a rolled up
dollar bill and wiping at this nose. A little of the coke is
still on the table. MR. FORD stares in bewilderment at
WILLIAMS.
MR. FORD
WILLIAMS over here just did a line.
It just doesn’t seem right to me
ya’ know? Divin into the hard drugs
before attempting to steal from a
maximum security bank.
WILLIAMS
No, no, it’s fine. Be cool bro.
It’s good. It helps me. Heightens
the senses. Dealing with the
supernatural all you got to go on
is your senses. It’s fine. Sherlock
Holmes did coke. Seriously, look it
up. It helped him piece stuff
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
WILLIAMS (cont’d)
together when he was stumped by a
mystery. I swear to God.
O’NEILL
Yeah. But Sherlock Holmes wasn’t
real. He was a fictional characte
created by Arthur Conan Doyle you
dumb fuck.
WILLIAMS
Hey! What do you know?! (pointing
at O’NEILL) You’re in a wheelchair!
There are a few gasps among the group.
BOSS
O’NEILL. Is this true?
O’NEILL
What? Well, yeah. Obviously. I
thought you knew.
BOSS
No. I did not know.
FLANNIGAN
Aye. I knew he was in a wheelchai
from the very beginnin. I took one
look at them gloves he’s wearing
with the fingers cut out of em.
They’re a sure sign of a wheelchai
man.
CERVELLI
He’s right. those gloves was a dead
give away for me too. He’s like one
a dem guys from Murderball, o
Wheels from the BK Kids Club.
BOSS
The ah, the van we got ain’t
handicap accessible. Might that
pose a problem here for you?
O’NEILL
No! I’ll be fine.
BOSS
Ok good. Let’s go ahead and
synchronize our watches then. MR
FORD shouldn’t you be off to the
Chipopee County Bank? We would not
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
BOSS (cont’d)
want you’s to be late for you
shift. What if someone were to
attempt to rob da place?!
The group laughs at the joke. MR. FORD exits the scene.
BOSS
Alright. I’m lookin at 11:46.
The group speaks at the same time. Camera pans around the
table starting at WILLIAMS and going counter-clockwise
ending on the BOSS.
WILLIAMS looks at his wrist nodding quickly in agreement.
However, he isn’t wearing a watch it’s just one of those
leather armbands.
CERVELLI
I got 11:45. wait, okay now it’s
11:46. we’re good.
FLANNIGAN
you’re watch is a piece of shit.
it’s 11:48.
SHERMAN
I didn’t know we were suppose to
wear watches. Shit. Wait, no I’ll
be in the van so I can just look at
the radio. (makes an I’m about to
puke face)
BOSS
Alright! Good enough.
LOUD CARTER has poured shots for each person. The last he
pours is for the BOSS. Who raises his glass for a toast.
BOSS
Let’s be fast. Let’s be percise.
And hey, let’s have some fun out
there.
The camera cuts to a long shot and the lighting of the room
brightens as the thieves begin shedding their black jackets,
pants and ski masks and revealing bright highlighter green
costumes with the words BANK ROBBERS in bedazzled letters
across the chest. They begin cheering and high fiving. They
take out various noise makers and an air horn. LOUD CARTER
picks a boom box up from under the table and begins playing
a loud funk song that has lyrics about how they’re about to
rob a bank.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
.
EVERYONE
We’re gonna rob a bank! We’re gonna
rob a bank! We’re gonna rob a bank.
The group continues the chant as they exit the basement.
CUT TO JAIL CELL
INT NIGHT - JAIL
The group is now all crammed in a jail cell as the iron ba
door is being closed in front of them. They’re enthusiasm is
gone and has been replaced with confusion and sadness.
BOSS
I do not know how this happened.
CUT TO BLACK