Hi mamas - I'm posting this under an alias to protect my privacy. I have developed a really bad crush on someone I don't know very well but see regularly. I'm married with 3 kids, he's married, no kids, so neither of us is even remotely available. It would be a lot easier for me to get over it, if it weren't for the fact that the attraction seems to be mutual. I would really like to stop thinking about this man all day long. I feel like a 13-year-old girl (and also like a complete fool). How do I move past this?? helllpppp...

Not seeing him isn't an option. If I knew him better I would know all those undesirable personality traits! But right now there's nothing negative I can focus on. Maybe I should just imagine up some disgusting personal habits and think about those (it's not like I'm ever going to know for sure anyways, right?)

Part of what's hard about this is that he may not have the various aspects that you can usually use to squash a crush when you're younger. I think I can speak for many of us when I say a lot of my adolescent crushes were rather, shall we say, immature. But you know this guy is mature and marriageable... because he IS married! *facepalm*. I second trying to avoid him if you can. Do not let yourself dwell on stuff that reminds you of him--find a way to mentally change the subject, an "I am not going to think about X right now, I am going to think about (insert other subject)". I second trying to find something else to focus on about him that isn't quite to your liking. How about the fact that he's putting some sort of energy out to YOU when you are both taken? I don't think you would be feeling this way if there was nothing coming from him. I have been in this scenario, and I've also had plenty of male friends where there was absolutely nothing inappropriate. I think if the guy is not looking for anything from me there is no energy for me to hook into... so it is a two-way street. He should be restraining himself, too.

Also, if you don't think your husband would flip out, it might be worth telling him (you may be able to spare him some details) and have him help you come up with a plan and keep you accountable. If he sees you with this guy and is reasonably perceptive he may already have figured it out anyway.

All good advice, erigeron, thank you! I agree that if there had never been anything flirtatious coming from him that I probably would have just noticed that he was very good-looking and left it at that. I have tried my best this past week to keep our conversations strictly business, no personal chit-chat. It hasn't helped much, yet.

I don't really want to tell my husband or anyone else in real life about this, I'm terribly embarrassed as it is, and I think his feelings would be hurt. My husband is not the most perceptive guy to begin with about this stuff, and he's never around when I have to see the Crush. I guess if I thought there was any chance that something might actually happen then we would have to talk about it. But there's not, and I really just want this guy to stop infecting my brain!

How about just enjoying it? It may pass on its own, so why not just enjoy the spark -- you can't help it if you are attracted to someone and maybe he is to you- and it could be something fun that makes you feel good!! Just figure out what your boundaries are and don't go past them--- it is not bad if it makes you happy.

As long as you are not actually kissing or being intimate with him, a little harmless flirting is not a bad thing. You don't need anyone else to know about it! Just enjoy that someone makes you feel that way- having a crush can be fun!

I don't think it's a good idea to just enjoy it. How do you know nothing could happen? He is interested. You are interested. Just because you're both married doesn't make you immune. If it did there would be a lot fewer affairs.

I agree with PPs that being attracted to other people does sometimes happen but I think it is dangerous when the attraction is mutual and subtly acknowledged. These things almost always start very, very slowly. Most people don't go from "he's cute" to in bed in 10 seconds. It is tiny subtle steps so that at each stage you can justify and get comfortable before pushing the next boundary. "It's fine, it's just a little crush." "A little bit of flirting is harmless." "It's just a couple of text messages, everyone texts their friends." "It's only coffee. We're out in public, how is that wrong?!" And on it goes.

I'm not blaming or criticising you but I think you have the first foot on a slippery slope and now is the only time you can get off safely. If your husband would be hurt then it's not ok.

Is there someone you can tell IRL who will be kind but not encourage you in any way? IME, well-meaning friends can do untold damage by helping to justify the relationship. A minister or minister's wife perhaps? Or just a good friend who you are 100% sure wont be giggly and excited about it with you.

What are the circumstances in which you have to see him? Can you be very busy and focused on your kids or his wife or your husband on those occasions? Resist the urge to exchange meaningful glances. As PPs have said, consciously avoid indulging in thoughts or fantasies (however G rated). Picture him wiping his bottom or picking his nose or shouting at his wife. You know for sure he does the first two and, if he's been married long enough, he's probably done the third at least once. And alternate those with imaging telling your kids why you don't live with them anymore.

Be kind to yourself but be firm as well. You can do the right thing here :-)

I guess. I mean, I would feel sad if my dh had a crush on someone else and I would feel weird if I had a crush on someone other than my dh-- so maybe I don't stand by my own advice the more I think about it. The thing is, I have no idea what OP's relationship is with her dh. Bu yeah, marriage is sacred and I do personally like monogamy. hmmm I am reconsidering my previous post-! I guess I just was thinking if it was a minor thing and didno one any harm then maybe it is not too bad? I guess there are so many different levels it could be interpreted on. If it is just that he is a attractive guy and makes her feel excitedand happy, I guess that is what I meant- then that is just fun! If it interferes with an otherwise good marriage between OP and her dh then it is a different story. If she is not happy with her dh and this is someone who is giving her renewed passion and joy, then maybe it is ok. I guess it really depends on the situation. I was a bit blasé in m original post by not clarifying all that. I personally do value the sacredness of marriage so hope I did not give the wrong impression.

Not me! I hate feeling that way. It discombobulates my head and makes it feel weird between me and my husband, since usually I can tell him anything that should happen to come into my head. I've had a crush on someone else twice since we were married. Both times he's known before I said anything, and though he hasn't been mad, I don't think it's pleasant for him either. And since it was someone I knew semi-well, that made it harder to just transfer the energy to my husband. If I saw a cute guy at the library, had a fantasy, and went home and acted that out with my husband, that would be one thing. But way past that, it just gets ucky.

However, I sense you feel a little beyond that - or you probably would not be posting.

I would make very firm guidelines with myself, and I would start with "no being alone with him."

Also, and I mean this with kindness, I do not completely buy that you can't avoid this other person. If he is a friend or in-law of some sort you can distance yourself somewhat. Be very busy, and get a needed mental break. If it is someone you work with, that might be a bit tougher - but still, very little is worth jeopardizing your marriage. If you cannot get these feelings under control or feel you are on a slippery slope, I suggest you request a transfer or update your resume. Extreme, yes, but so is infidelity.

Thanks all. I've been dealing with sick kids for the past few days so haven't had a chance to check back on this thread. I find it interesting that the range of opinions here echoes what is going on in my head - from "just enjoy it" to " get this guy out of my life and never see him again". We had been texting too much, and that has lessened this past week so I think there has been some realization on both of our parts that we had crossed a line of some sort. I've working on focusing my mental energy on how fortunate I am with my marriage and family. Another mental trick that seems to help when I find myself thinking about him is to remind myself what an unlikely object I am for a young attractive man to be interested in. Maybe not the greatest for my self-esteem right now but it does seem to help.

Thanks all. I've been dealing with sick kids for the past few days so haven't had a chance to check back on this thread. I find it interesting that the range of opinions here echoes what is going on in my head - from "just enjoy it" to " get this guy out of my life and never see him again". We had been texting too much, and that has lessened this past week so I think there has been some realization on both of our parts that we had crossed a line of some sort. I've working on focusing my mental energy on how fortunate I am with my marriage and family. Another mental trick that seems to help when I find myself thinking about him is to remind myself what an unlikely object I am for a young attractive man to be interested in. Maybe not the greatest for my self-esteem right now but it does seem to help.

I agree that the texting is crossing a line, if its just personal (as in you don't work w/ him or have some other reason to be texting). I'm glad you're finding ways to help yourself. I don't think it's unusual to have a crush; what you do w/ it is the hard part.

Best wishes,

Sus

Baby the babies while they're babies so they don't need babying for a lifetime.

I think stopping the texting is a very good idea. I would suggest that you don't just reduce it but stop it completely and delete his number from your phone. I didn't gather from your first post that things had gone this far so I am revising the statement from my first reply - I think you have both feet on a slippery slope and I think you need to take some very firm steps off it.

If telling yourself you are an unlikely object of his attraction is working for you then fine. I would however caution you against sharing this view with him and giving him an opening to flatter you with all the reasons why he does find you attractive.

You mentioned in your earlier post that you didn't know any of his negative characteristics to use as a deterrent. Here is one for you: he is prepared to deceive his wife either by omission (not telling her about texting with you) or commission (actively hiding his texting with you).

I know I am sounding like a heavy in this thread but I can honestly see several red flags that make me think in a month or so your update will be "help! I'm having an emotional affair". Although, TBH, I think there is a good chance you're already having one. Is this man worth sacrificing your family for? If you need to feel good about yourself, I promise you there are other, longer-lasting, ways of doing it.

Please do not read any of this as a condemnation or criticism of you. It is not intended that way. I just think this is way more serious than a "harmless little crush".

I can't picture coming out and telling this guy that I'm an unworthy object of his desire, since we've never actually confessed any attraction in the first place! It's more of a reminder to myself of how I should be behaving around him.
I looked up what constitutes an emotional affair and we both had been doing several of the behaviors. But over the past week it's really stopped so I think I'm past the worst of this. I'm way past the enjoying it stage - this is torture There's the rational part of me that knows it's ridiculous and then there's this primal part of my brain that doesn't seem to be able to just let it go. The next time I have to see him is Wednesday, so I am steeling myself. I really appreciate everyone's input, tough love and all.

All good advice, erigeron, thank you! I agree that if there had never been anything flirtatious coming from him that I probably would have just noticed that he was very good-looking and left it at that. I have tried my best this past week to keep our conversations strictly business, no personal chit-chat. It hasn't helped much, yet.

I don't really want to tell my husband or anyone else in real life about this, I'm terribly embarrassed as it is, and I think his feelings would be hurt. My husband is not the most perceptive guy to begin with about this stuff, and he's never around when I have to see the Crush. I guess if I thought there was any chance that something might actually happen then we would have to talk about it. But there's not, and I really just want this guy to stop infecting my brain!

I agree with you. I wouldn't tell my husband. Nothing much has happened, it's just a crush. It happens to most people once in a while. If it were me, I'd probably stop the texting, you start looking forward to them, and if your heart jumps into your throat when you see his name on your phone, it's a sign to keep him at arm's length. Keeping away and getting busy with something else seems to really help.

Also, having sex with your DH a LOT seems to put those feelings where they probably should be as well as quenching them appropriately.

This happens sometimes to me too (minus the texting) and I find that telling my husband is the single most useful thing I can do to stop it. I have to outline to the person who would be most affected by me doing something inappropriate exactly what I'm feeling and what steps I'm putting in place to make sure it doesn't go any further. Then he can help me. Or you negotiate your own boundaries between the two of you, you might decide for instance that having a close friendship is ok as long as your husband can read your communications. Its all about you and your husband and how you can make it work honestly and openly that way.

This happens sometimes to me too (minus the texting) and I find that telling my husband is the single most useful thing I can do to stop it. I have to outline to the person who would be most affected by me doing something inappropriate exactly what I'm feeling and what steps I'm putting in place to make sure it doesn't go any further. Then he can help me. Or you negotiate your own boundaries between the two of you, you might decide for instance that having a close friendship is ok as long as your husband can read your communications. Its all about you and your husband and how you can make it work honestly and openly that way.

This might work for some people, but it would be a disaster for others. Some of us not only feel we can control our impulses enough to not act on our "crushes" but also have a strong sense of needing our privacy. I value nothing more than my privacy. I don't read my husband's emails and he never reads mine. I don't go through his stuff or his wallet or his phone and he respects my property and information similarly. I don;t think spying on each other is a sign of a healthy relationship.

In some situations (and I am not saying the OP is in this situation) a partner with strong feelings of jealousy could possibly cause serious problems of trust in the relationship. In some more unhealthy relationships it might result in anger and even violence.

IMO, if you feel you can control yourself, (and even if you can't) telling your partner in many cases can cause a rift in trust that could have long term repercussions. I KNOW my husband would be hurt if I told him when I had specific crushes. I've been married for almost 28 years and have never cheated (neither has he) so I know I can control myself. I see NO reason to hurt him by telling him I'm thinking of an other man when I know things won't get out of control and I always end up at home in bed with my husband at the end of the day.

As far as I am concerned, telling your partner is playing with fire. It could cause him or her to never trust you again and if he or she is the jealous type it could turn really awful really quickly, PLUS, I can't imagine the repercussions in the future, I can think of thousands (maybe hundreds) of situations where your seeming to not be able to control yourself could cause your partner to really lose faith in you. People sometimes say things they don't mean or even want to say when they are very angry. I can't imagine having this albatross hanging around my neck when the next knock down drag out argument happens! I think the urge to "use" that information "Well, you were thinking of cheating on me! Argument over!" is too much of a temptation for many people to stay away from in all situations.

IMO, it's dangerous to share these usually completely innocent flirtations. If I ever felt I was in danger of actually cheating, I'd see a therapist, not use my partner (who has a huge emotional stake in my actions and emotions) as a therapist. That isn't his role.

I think it depends on you and your husband and your marriage. I don't think that either telling or not telling is blanketly good or bad for everybody, nor that it means that your marriage is a bad one if you choose to tell or if you choose to not tell. People should do what works for them and that isn't going to be the same for everybody.

I feel like I should just copy and paste this in every thread I've been in lately. Gah.

For me talking to my husband worked because he basically already knew already so I wasn't gaining anything by keeping it from him.

I didn't say everybody should do this, I shared my own experience of using radical honesty to help my marriage (as recommended by many therapists incidentally).

I trust my husband completely, because he shares this sort of information with me I never have to worry about what he's not telling me. He feels the same and isn't worried when I tell him such things because in telling I am demonstrating my trustworthiness. I also trust him not to throw my honesty back at me in an argument, we don't argue that way.

For me it's important to have this level of intimacy in my marriage, he is my best friend. And how can it be spying on someone if they willingly grant you access? :-)

I didn't say everybody should do this, I shared my own experience of using radical honesty to help my marriage (as recommended by many therapists incidentally).

I trust my husband completely, because he shares this sort of information with me I never have to worry about what he's not telling me. He feels the same and isn't worried when I tell him such things because in telling I am demonstrating my trustworthiness. I also trust him not to throw my honesty back at me in an argument, we don't argue that way.

For me it's important to have this level of intimacy in my marriage, he is my best friend. And how can it be spying on someone if they willingly grant you access? :-)

I hope that isn't what or all of what you extrapolated from my post!

I was stating my opinion in regards to my relationship and here's what I actually said, ". I don;t think spying on each other is a sign of a healthy relationship.

In some situations (and I am not saying the OP is in this situation) a partner with strong feelings of jealousy could possibly cause serious problems of trust in the relationship. In some more unhealthy relationships it might result in anger and even violence."

I don't think spying on each other is a sign of a healthy relationship. Ever.

However, If you don't think what you and he are doing is spying then the paragraph wouldn't apply to you at all. Don't you think? If the "jealousy, trust, spying, violence" thing isn't present in your relationship, then I wasn't talking about your relationship. It was aimed at the OP, using your post as something I simply don't agree with doing.

You said: "I trust my husband completely, because he shares this sort of information with me I never have to worry about what he's not telling me."

FTR, I have never in 28 years of being married to him, "worried about what my husband is not telling me." And I've also never spied on him. Nor he on me. Or looked at his phone or whatever. If there is much trust, why would anyone have to worry about what the other person may or may not be "telling you?"

For my DH and myself, "trust" means not having to keep tabs on an other adult, because that adult is mature enough to manage his or her own behavior. That's what works for us.

I trust my husband and he trusts me. I alsotrust myself. If I have trust in my own self control, why would I need my husband to check my phone to make sure I'm behaving? I guess I don't get that. That wouldn't mesh with our relationship. I'm taking a guess from knowing a lot of other people over the years that it wouldn't work with a good number of other couples, as well.

Clearly our mileage varies, and thats ok :) I wonder if its a cultural or generational difference, I'd say the majority of people I know in happy marriages share this sort of information with one another. I can understand how you wouldn't be wise to do so if you were afraid your husband might be violent or react unpleasantly.

I do not need him to tell me about a crush. It would make me feel bad, uncomfortable around that person.

I am aware he is human, and attraction happens. I see this is part of life. I trust in the end he will make the choice not to hurt me, us, our family. I so don't need to know about something that is only going on his head. It won't do me good.

Clearly our mileage varies, and thats ok :) I wonder if its a cultural or generational difference, I'd say the majority of people I know in happy marriages share this sort of information with one another. I can understand how you wouldn't be wise to do so if you were afraid your husband might be violent or react unpleasantly.

Maybe it's cultural or generational. I don't know. I don't see this much in the people I know. None of my friends, except the ones who feel they have a reason not to trust their partners do these kinds of activities. I have two friends in heavy D/s relationships and their husbands always check their phones, where they go, what they are doing, what they do with their money (including requiting receipts and permission before buying anything) and it works for them, but my husband and I have a different relationship.

I personally know my husband wouldn't react violently, of course, but a lot of women's partners might.. For my husband and I, it's just part of the respect system that we have set up with each other. I also don't ever check my children's phones, email accounts or search their rooms. I was not given a lot of privacy as a child, and my mother was always snooping. I felt very violated by that. I told myself I would always give the people around me trust and I have kept that promise to myself and to the people I love.

My husband doesn't have any of my passwords or anything, but it's kind of a Chinese wall because my computer is on all the time and everything is saved on there, so if he really wanted to snoop he could. We don't read each other's messages or texts, though. I honestly don't understand this phenomenon of sharing passwords. Maybe I was so thoroughly drilled in why not to when coming of age in the early part of the Internet age. I don't see any benefit to it. There is also nothing I do online that I would not tell him about.

Thanks for explaining :-) I don't have a high need for privacy, my dh having access to my phone and email means I have to do less general arranging and communicating of things to people. Mind you, I'll happily hand my phone over to my kids or Mum or close friends as well.
It's nice to hear other people's point of view on things. Especially when it's so different to mine.
Whether it's easy to hear about attractions your partner has depends on all sorts I guess, for a few years near the beginning of our relationship I would have found it very hard. Now it feels like a fun secret that we share and I can tease him about.