"We all are two… two extensions of ourselves, neither wrong, both the reality of ‘us’. The ‘proper’ one… social, urban… and then on the ‘inner’ one. The personal one. The true one. The deeper path. The ‘mind’ is the common denominator for both. Under the helmet, they become one and blend in as the prescription of Life laid ahead as the miles await and unravel… free for the taking!"

Always the greatest Music

Mid seventies these days. Last day of meds. Another New Year in a couple. Getting ready to head Eastbound for a while, it has been a long time. The demographics make me nervous. Will we find any isolation while camping? So much is running through my mind and yet should not. I know we will not find Utah in Alabama or Florida or Louisiana. It is not the point, I am aware of it. There is a different beauty and reality throughout the coastal states I see on the map. History, old buildings, locals to talk to, the water and more water, sea food and that is a big one with me… Must be prepared with the right frame of mind. Need to set aside it all for a few days actually as right now it is that time of the year to catch up on physical mail forwarded and piled up high, sell some items, stuff and more stuff. Amazing how it can accumulate as if a giant hand has brought in boxes and more boxes of such stuff and has thrown them in "Green Giant"!

I don’t know why I feel empty suddenly. As being on a trail that leads to nowhere. Again we have been still for too long. When will I come to terms with roots planted a bit firmer or is this will be the stage after stage endlessly? It probably is not a good time for me to write but all is bubbling, effervescent. I wish the brakes would loosen a bit. Must be the Year end. I know it is. It was a full one and yet as always my "Gratitude" is so present, more than ever. Medical problems, mechanical. We came through, all came through one step at the time as here we are mobile and healthy.

I know what I want. I will not have him. Year after year his absence weighs so terribly as I feel specially these present times of this present Year I am only trying to drop a curtain to separate me from a reality I have always embraced. I do embrace it, I want to, it tears me apart, time does not heal the wounds, it only, I really don’t know what it does. Only confuses me too often just when I think I am climbing away from any turmoil. I need to get away from here for now. There is a lot going on in Terlingua. Many Friends also. We do have roots, a bit, a few inches into the ground.

2012. Here we are now. I always say "wow" when lacking for better words. What a great decision it was to go ahead and spend the New Year on and around the Porch in Terlingua. At least till 10 pm as the big clock on the wall showed. It felt as it should have been Midnight. It was my Midnight, for us. I met a reader I had never spoken to before, Jane. We had a nice conversation. I saw more than one familiar face, it was crowded, the notes were playing, more Friends present having dinner at the Starlight as I sat with them a while. We took the car and Spirit stayed in his bed, comfortable and warm. I am starting to like that car, "Sherpa". It is a great convenience when cold, when late and not having to gear up. This must be all about getting softer as I am coming to terms with it.

Parking Lot Music

New Year’s Day, we went back for more. The black eye-pea cook off, more Friends, more Music. A stage which occupied my mind and entertained my senses as the grounds were filled with good humor and smiling faces, wishes of "Happy New Year" all around, uplifting and taking me away from where I do not need to be within. Another Friend showed up, his nephews with him from Mexico, they followed us mid afternoon as suddenly I had to leave to rejoin the quiet land of "The Oasis". They wanted to see how we live, the minor majority I am part of.

All is behind now, a long list of to do’s faces me. I think it is a long one but I know it is not, just a matter of covering all the bases of our needs while we embrace those roads we have not adventured on for the past five years. Be ready for the experiences which will be different from times past. For the first time draw a map, find the Parks we can stay on for free. Map is done, more or less this is the idea and suddenly it seems as a long way while we move on since we want to be back early April. Why plan though? We never have before. My Mother from Munich is thinking about spending the month of March in Naples, Florida, and it is the idea to be together for those times. I do hope she takes the trip.

How strange moments flow and all ties in. I always feel, I must say, a bit apprehensive, a bit deviant, when I meet a reader. It was as such with Jane and the conversation went on about the context contained within these pages and chapters. I am never uncomfortable and yet, she knew more about me that I knew about her. We talked about this theory of mine which I find being a reality. "We" each have two faces, two appearances, extensions, and they are each truthful. The first one I was telling her while chatting was the one present, "now". The one we have when we meet others, the smiles, the words, the "proper" one… The second goes in much deeper as I told her I really did not know her, know the intimate facets of her Life as she knows of mine. I did not even know if she had children, or how many? Her health? How "is she really… really doing?". No one truly talks about it… and that I feel is a bit sad. What is there to hide? Can’t we truly care about each other?

I do. I do because I talk to myself within these pages and so I went on also with my first face these two days, the "proper" one. Effervescent, yes… the other one became, as the mind of both is the common denominator and cannot be separated. The gears continue working, well oiled or not, they move on forward. It is easy for me here, the inner ‘me’ is always present. And this afternoon, while "paper-working", I came across Lance’s Photo Album. One photo a month before he left us. It was not a mistake, it never is, but Cancer had changed my Boy as words "do not" want to describe. The skies dropped in this empty Desert, lonely I felt, so lonely. A cold came upon me as if suddenly I was standing bare and all surrounding me was vacuumed by this giant force. Why go on? Nothing suddenly mattered and how even sadder no one to truly talk to. What an irony as only this vast and empty space heard my sounds and witnessed my tears as I felt once again pushed back deep into this past reality I never stopped confronting.

Not much sense of it all really. Not much sense at all wearing these shoes. What a giant piece of luggage this is! Yet, I know I will make it through, as before and before…

6 Responses to “And which “face” should we wear? TX”

Ara, I think a trip to the East coast is just the thing for you, especially if your mother will be in Florida – what a treat that will be! Sometimes, returning to a familiar place is a good thing for the mind. Loved all the hats and the dogs! How fun it was looking at the pictures. I know you will have a wonderful 2012 because of all the people i know, you deserve it the most in my opinion…this is your way of life…it will continue to be –so keep looking for the bright side and enjoy it to the fullest. Glad Sherpa is working her way next to Old Faithful!

Ara, We enjoyed spending time with you during our stay in the Big Bend area. Sorry we pooped out on you NYs Eve. That 12hr drive home coming the next day was just too much to ignore! One of these times we will stay for the pea off. Looks like fun! My heart is aching for you, though, at reading the last of this entry. Hugs to you across the miles, my friend. You are a special man. I told Spirit to not run off any more. He seemed to understand that he means the world to you.
Take care,
Cindy

East coast bound eh? Looks like we will be swapping coasts and crossing paths as we will be heading west from where we are now just north of Naples. Yes, you are right when you say you will not find Utah in Florida but there are places to find solace here along the coastline… not every beach or marsh is crowded with throngs of snowbirds… seek it and you will find it. Enjoy the journey and I hope our paths cross somewhere in between…

The sorrow never ends, Ara. The emptiness will always come in waves to engulf you. Even in a crowd of people, there would be no one to talk to nor anyone who would understand. Grief is something we face alone. We live with it, we sleep with it, and it lives within us every moment of every day in some form. Somehow, we push on.

Dear Ara and Spirit..
Ol 2face here, too! We are all ‘travellers’ on this rock… I put down ‘roots’ to nourish and as necessary, secure myself against the buffeting storms, not to limit me. I hope you enjoy your trip.. there is purpose in the journey, in the destination… Thanks for taking those of us unable to ride the trip..along. May your Soul soar!