The stereotypical way to teach the kids about sex is to have the stereotypically dreaded "the birds and the bees" "THE talk".

Would it instead be more preferable (and why) to NOT have a single serious talk at a specific age, and instead simply sprinkle appropriate information into everyday conversation with children as they grow up, both as things come up (they ask a question or something is discussed that can segue into whatever info you wanted to impart), or simply because you feel the child is ready for the next bit of info. The important part is that there's a steady stream of small bits of information, as opposed to one big lecture.

"The talk" may stereotypical but reality doesn't work like this at all. The kids are exposed to sex related info from many different sources (peers, school, school bus, media, internet etc.) that are beyond parents control and that must be properly managed by the parent continuously. The approach of condensing to a single "talk" is just really dumb.
– HilmarJun 10 '14 at 11:26

Anecdotal, I know, but my parents didn't really do one major sex talk with my brother and I, but they were open to talk about various aspects whenever it came up. It felt very open and more relateable that way rather than an awkward lecture.
– DocJun 10 '14 at 19:37

@Doc: I got the single talk, and you're right - it was an uncomfortable waste of time for me and my dad.
– MarcJun 11 '14 at 2:44

Both. There are aspects of human sexuality that won't come up in "natural conversation" that should be understood at points in their life. Further, the intimate and private nature of human sexuality lends itself to setting aside space and times to talk about it in a specific, directed manner to suggest that it isn't something to blurt out at inappropriate times. These needn't be long discussions, and one should certainly continue to discuss sexuality at other times as part of normal conversation. There is, however, no need to pit the two methods against each other. Use both as needed.
– Adam DavisJun 13 '14 at 0:15

6 Answers
6

Sex is part of life. Hiding it away until any specific age is unlikely to lead where you want to go. Better to make it part of life. Our kids were raised on David Attenborough's TV shows, so animal reproduction was always part of their background knowledge.

My wife is an R.N., so she discussed human reproduction in age-appropriate ways whenever the subject came up naturally, like when a teacher at school was pregnant. The American Girl series The Care and Keeping of You
was useful as a basic primer for us, giving us an idea what a researched presentation could include as well as a reference for our girls to refer to if they didn't quite know how to ask us something or were embarrassed to ask.

Yes. One not-insignificant advantage of making a habit of talking about it with them is that they also get in the habit of talking about it with you. That's very valuable.
– SeptagonJun 10 '14 at 21:53

Ok, to be totally honest, the first time, I was sitting in a bar, chatting and drinking coffee, and I was totally unprepared for the out-of-the-blue 'where do babies come from?'

But the question comes back, every now and then.

Usually it is enough to give true and honest answers, at a level the child can understand. I answer the questions and follow-up questions, and then I see the interest fade again.

So my advice is: If you avoid it completely, it becomes an 'all or nothing' thing, and you have to have 'The Talk'. In my case, I think our child will know everything there is to know at that age, but without being told all at once.

So the bottom line is: It's not a big thing for the child. You can go with the flow, or you can make it a big thing. It's up to you.

Just like any other subject, the answer isn't one or the other, but both.

If your child is learning to play an instrument, there's a place for normal daily practice and a place for band camp.

For sex education, there's definitely a place for ongoing collateral education, but when your child reaches certain points or when it comes up (sex ed at school, someone touched them, they start to use sexualized terms, they enter the sixth grade...), it is important to set aside time to have a longer talk. They probably have questions and/or misconceptions that they aren't bringing up with you at the grocery store or whatever. Sure, it can be a little uncomfortable and embarrassing, but a) the ongoing education should help that, since it's established it's not a taboo topic and b) man up, you're a parent.

I'm not a parent, rather a child, and as someone who's relatively recently (I'm nineteen, so not that recently, but still) been on the other side of this everlasting dilemma, I'm inclined to err on the side of keeping the conversation natural, but firm.

In other words, I consider myself fortunate that I was never sat down and talked to about the "birds and the bees" on some sunny afternoon before my first date as sitcoms seem to like to encourage. As you might guess, then, I'm not a particularly big fan of "the talk" on principle for a few main reasons:

First, it's awkward for everyone. You can be as close with your child as you want, but when you sit down and make a huge deal of something like that, it'll put a whole lot of awkward in something that doesn't need it. Particularly at the age where someone might think of sitting down for such a discussion, the last thing the child probably wants is to be put on some pedestal and suddenly patronized for whatever the parent may think he/she does or doesn't know. That leads nicely to my second point.

Second, let's say you get over that awkwardness. You've read all the books about how to have this conversation and you know how to answer any question and not seem even remotely condescending. That's frustrating for us kids as well. For how fortunate I was to not endure "the talk" with my parents, I was unfortunate enough to have them resolve to the very understandable and practical alternative of sending me to (dun, dun, dunnn) a class on it. This was dreadful for me, and it drew such a strong divide between us that I wouldn't have felt comfortable asking questions, even if I was willing enough to pay attention and try and develop some from the class. Instead, I spent the whole class emailing (kids these days with their texting don't know how lucky they are) my best friend about how miserable I was, meanwhile making a point to not even act interested enough to lend any satisfaction to my father, who, naturally, was seated next to me. Bringing this point back to how it began, I can only assume that the leaders of this class were very skilled in what they were doing, they were professional sex-educators after all, and yet the whole position drew me to such a defensive position that I stood nothing to gain. Furthermore, a consequence of a class like this was that I was inherently considered to know exactly the same things about sex as everyone else my age. Call this a complaint more on our education system in general than anything, but here's a little secret about children: they don't know everything about sex, but when you tell them things they do know and act like they wouldn't have, they'll focus at least some of their effort on how smart they must be and how unimportant talking about this is, and remove said focus from the parts that they didn't already know. That will enhance the awkwardness (because they'll start thinking about the apparently uselessness) and reduce the effectiveness all 'round. It's much better, in my opinion, to get some idea of what your child does or doesn't know, then work to fill in the blanks.

Let's put it this way: from the point at which we gain consciousness of our own physical selves, we begin to learn about how our sexual organs react to the environment. That's when our sexual education starts (although I won't argue if someone argues it's sooner than that). When we're "grown up" (quotes because I'm still not sure at nineteen whether I'm allowed to speak on such a topic, but I guess I have to start some time and I am on a parenting forum so it might as well be now), we're still learning. We learn with our partners and through whatever unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on your feelings on such things, I'm not here to judge), internet search results we come across. Sexual education is an ongoing matter and should be treated as such. It isn't something that you can sit down for an hour and transfer over to your child.

I have some other issues with the idea of setting out a formal talk, but I think you get the picture.

So enough of that negativity, then. Well, kinda.

So obviously, I'm not arguing that children should be left to fend for themselves in the sexual universe. That would be positively dreadful for us all. I also don't think parents should sit idly by and wait for their child to say "hey, pops, sometimes my penis feels weird when I'm hugging a pretty girl and I was wondering in what scope that might relate to my body's changes and readiness for sexual conduct to occur," because that's probably not going to happen. If it does, cool, be ready for it with Oxford University on the line. And that's either the start of your life and this question becoming very easy or very, very difficult. But for the vast majority of child-parent relationships, I'd be willing to bet that such a comment, or one more age-suitable, won't come up naturally, and by the child's decision alone. Rather, as the parent, it's your position to build the environment where your child is intellectually curious (I use the term "intellectually" there to clarify that I'm not suggesting you promote your child's physical, sexual curiosities. I like to think that's a given but there you go.) and comfortable enough to approach you, and it's your position to drop hints and ask questions for yourself to bring the conversation out naturally. Here's something so key to what I'm saying that I'll even bold it: sex is natural, so there's no reason your conversations about it have to be anything less than that as well.

So what does a natural conversation that you might coerce look like? That's a tricky one because it depends a lot on the circumstances. I think it's also important to note here that nothing won't be awkward at first, because it takes time for everyone involved to get used to these things. But I think great starting points to build the relationship that will allow your child to ask questions freely are things like "do you like anyone at school?" or even "do you think anyone in your class is cute?"

A quick aside on that one: I specifically chose "cute" here rather than pretty/handsome to avoid some negative feelings I think those words can put off in such a context, as well as to allow for gender ambiguity in their answer. That's good for a few reasons. The most obvious and concise one, to me anyway, is that your child--shocker--might not be straight, and might know it, even if he/she/they don't know the word or even the concept of homosexuality. Second, that gives your child a solid "out." Whether consciously or otherwise, your child might not want to answer that question. You should respect that. By not making it a game of "you should tell me who of the opposite gender you find sexually attractive so I can explain to you how you're feeling" and instead building a conversation of just "hey, who does cute things in your class?" you can make the whole back-and-forth more natural, less one-sided, and more fun. If they're a straight male and so is their best friend, but their best friend does cute things now and then and they choose to share that with you, that's not a failed conversation by any measure.

Anyway, those are pretty easy examples, sure, and I'll admit that I didn't take too kindly to such questioning when I was young (I'm not sure I would now, to be honest), but it's those sorts of questions that will do three very important things for you and your child. First, you'll be opening an ongoing conversation about the other (or the same, for that matter) gender. That's not such a bad place to be for the entirety of, well, life. Second, you'll be showing them that you're ready to talk but that you aren't desperate to, or more importantly, that you aren't going to force them into an awkward corner of it. Thirdly, and this might be the most important of them all, it will let you judge your child's reaction. You can get some really valuable information from that. If they're clearly hiding something, they might not want to have this talk right now. That's okay. Just because you think it's time doesn't necessarily mean it needs to be time, particularly if you're planning ahead. If they act earnestly uninterested, that can tell you that it isn't time to have the talk even more. Perhaps they haven't started, or even just haven't had enough time experiencing, the "changes" that you want to talk to them about. If that's the case, you know to hold off for when it might become a more relevant issue for them.

So anyway, the length of this response has truly escaped me, but that's my thoughts on it. TL;DR: I think sex is natural and conversations about it should be too, but don't let your child feel like he/she/they are left out to figure it all out for themselves. Don't teach your child that sex is a topic that should be tucked away, either through making it awkward or through ignoring it completely. Be ready for them to help you guide your way through the conversation, or at least feel like that's what they're doing. Give hints, answer questions with leading (but not uninformative or frustrating) comments, and be ready to revisit topics in the future if now just isn't the right time for them.

That all said, I don't disagree with the person above who said that it doesn't really matter in the long run. All that I've said is just how I think it's the most comfortable and "effective," but when all is said and done, it'll work out in the long run. There's no real reason to worry about what balance of each path you choose.

Sex, birth, and death are all part of life. So are love, hate, joy, dread, excitement and exhaustion. Trying to pretend the happy ones are all there is doesn't seem to work out well. Pretending that some of the happy ones are dirty or shameful seems even more twisted. Its more honest to admit that happy things are all happy but some carry special consequences, and that is why we have to think about the things we do and take responsibility.

Our kids have helped me and granddad raise chickens and pigs, been fishing, to the zoo, watch nature shows, helped grow veggies, helped cook, and have been present for the birth of some of the younger children (even in the same room with the midwife, doctor and myself as mom delivers). We're not making any special effort to be "constantly educating" but I'm pretty sure that even the four year-old pretty much understands how things work.

She also is developing a sense of propriety and knows it is normal to be naked with everyone in the shower or onsen, but walking around town nude is just not done (we live in Japan, by the way -- social norms lean a bit this way or that elsewhere, but the basic idea of adhering to norms holds).

Its not clear to me what the purpose of having "the talk" would be. I was born in Texas, my father grew up on a farm, my mother comes from a wealthier part of society (but grew up tending to the family horses) -- neither seem to think our kids' nearness to life events is unusual.

I don't remember ever having "the talk" when I was a kid, but I knew generally how things worked from an early age. When I was around 4th grade or so I remember asking my mom to explain exactly how sex makes a baby -- I'd been around animals and knew what parts of me corresponded to parts of them. My mom just answered the question directly: women produce eggs and men produce sperm, just like horses. And that was that. When I was in junior high school is probably the next time I cared about the details of the biology, my curiosity about the erotic aspects of life developing a tad earlier than this.

My point in sharing all this is that kids pick up on things around them pretty quick, and unless you've been deliberately hiding them from the daily facts of nature, they probably already know what animals do together. If they have been exposed to birth that clears up the other bits. The social circumstances of right and wrong, and the exact biology of the details behind reproduction are really the only things to iron out -- but that is assuming you're not the sort who fears that your kids might accidentally watch a wildlife show for the same reason you fear they might stumble on an adult website.

You know, I wrote that really long answer yesterday, and I stand by it, but I was thinking about this today and I've come to a more refined conclusion.

Sex isn't something that parents or teachers can or should teach to their children. It's a whole, big, weird concept. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to, there are aspects of growing up wherein sex and sexuality is important for sure, but in seventy years when they're reflecting on their lives, I'd make the wager that they won't be thinking back to how much they learned about their bodies or sex from their parents.

So instead of trying to teach your children "everything" about sex, focus more on teaching them to--this is gonna get cheesy fast so be ready--respect themselves and others. I'm definitely not arguing for abstinence here, you should definitely answer your child's questions and work to inform them as best as you can. But if your son grows up knowing everything about fallopian tubes before he starts sixth grade and nothing about building a meaningful relationship with a girl (or a boy, or neither) with mutual trust and respect, he'll suddenly be the one at a disadvantage in twenty years when their friends have been in meaningful relationships and gotten to experiment sexually and emotionally with people they adore.

I know this sounds like it's all a little off-topic from the main question of having "the talk" versus dragging it all out, I think I made my views on that pretty clear in my previous answer, but it's really not unrelated at all.

Overall, I think an underrated aspect of sex-ed is just the social part. I know as parents you already think about that and what I'm saying probably isn't too revolutionary. But yeah. If you can teach your child that it's okay to not know everything about sex, and that it's okay to ask you questions or learn hands-on (pun intended?) with someone they care deeply about when the age is right, I think they'll be on an excellent track to understanding the important aspects. Teach the details, but never forget the big picture.

So again, sorry if this doesn't really provide a strict answer to the question as posed. But I think this is still a relevant point of view given the context.