Navigation

This page

i lied, im not going to bed yet. I have one more bitch fit to have.I dont understand. What is so wrong with me?!What is it?Is it my shitty personality?Am I busted in the face?Is it cus Im fat?Is it cus im not particularly talented?Just WHAT IS IT?and how do I fix it?Ill fix it I really will.

i just feel plain awful.it never feels good when its blatantly obvious that you like someone more than they like you.its sending shivers throughout my whole body, but not the good exciting kind. the 'i feel awful, i want to sleep and not get up, i might actually throw up' kind.i guess i just dont understand how one goes from "im telling people we are seeing each other teehee" to "oh you need more friends to hit up the clubs with to meet ppl" or "you should try dating sites."just typing and re-reading it distresses me. I hate thisI dont even want to study for my test anymore.I dont want to do anything right now.I want to listen to ballads and go to sleep.Why did this happen to me again?Whyyyyyyy?I think the worst part is not so much the circumstances around it happening, but the fact that it happened again. And when this happens, I immediately flashback to all the other times it happened, and that makes me feel worse. I can think of 2 examples from the summer alone. I just hate getting close to these assholes, or thinking Im getting close to these assholes, and thinking that we have something - then I get blindsided by this bullshit.I wish I could work out tomorrow, but Ill have to study.Ugh I hate my body.I need to stop shaking.I think Im just going to go to bed.

i might have to star using this again, or get a second twitter. cus my twitter is getting too much attention from people. and i dont want ppl to think im bitching to get attention. im bitching cus i want to bitch. and it feels good to let it out. but im afraid people might start thinking that im just emo and looking for attention. so i might need to divert my bitching. elsewhere. i dunno yet. ill see. i also dont want to bother/bore anyone with my ranting

So im back at school for senior year. Yikes. Ive actually got to start getting my shit together. I still need to decide where im applying to, whether I go to JET or grad school, or whatever. But thats another story. I dont feel like thinkning about that now.

I keep putting shit off. Cus Im still not in school mode. That senoritis has hit something FIERCE. Ive barelyy made a move to buy books. I went to the bookstore today, but there was people..so I left. I almost made a poop mistake and ate at Mac. But luckily it was too late for food. I was actually really good about food today. Well..good-ish. For lunch I only had a PB&J, which was good and for dinner, I had the chicken and rice like I planned. (cept there was som mac & cheese in the mix that kinda screwed it up, but baby steps dammit) I know Im wicked anal about my eating habits now, cus im really determined to lose some weight. But given enough time Ill prbably end up not caring again. Yesterday I was a lil cray cray. I had a buffalo chicken instead of the chicken and rice like I planned, and when I looked up the nutritional facts, I ACTUALLY thought about making myself throw up. I did not. But when the thought crossed my mind, I was like..oh no nigz. 5 Points from gryffindor, dude.

Im really looking forward to next weekend. Im hoping itll be good. I have no reason to beleive it will be. IM just hoping. My dad is already asking when Im coming back home. When I feel like it nigga! Jeez I just left and this is my last year. Gimme a break. I cant wait to throw my own party here. Its gonna be ballaaaa! That is of course if I dont get written up or accosted by the police....AGAIN.

So apparently there a new situation going on. Which I dont know all the details to, and frankly have a really hard time beleiving. But Im just not sure how I feel about some news Ive heard recently. I just dont feel like its real. Like its too sudden and out of the blue. I keep thinking about it, but I dont expect anything good to come from it. I know better.

Friends...or well...'friends' should never date. It makes things messy. And then all of a sudden youre not friends anymore. Then its sad. This is why I dont think anything good can happen...anyways. over it.

Anyways, I need to get my shit together for auditions. I have two monologues to memorize and I havent even picked them. I also havent practiced my song in a few months and Im not even sure that I have the music for it. But am I gonna take care of it? Probs not, Im gonna go to bed, watch some anime and go to sleep. Tomorrow Im done with class by 12, so maybe Ill be more productive then. But I doubt it.

This is gonna be a short one cus I dont really feel like updating. But I think this is goin to be an interesting year. Ive been here maybe a week, and things have already gotten..well..interesting. And weird. And Ive alredy gotten a few surprises. Maybe it means this will be an eventful year...!

I love this song. It always manages to make me feel good and summery, no matter what season it is, or how icky it looks outside, or how icky i feel inside.

Yesterday we went to Fire & Ice, which I havent been to in FOREVER. Id forgotten how much I liked it. I also forgot that it was like 17 dollars. Fuck that, if I need a buffet, I can find a cheap chinese or indian one.... Good God I havent been to Golden Panda all summer....this is a problem. As soon as I go home this week, the first order of business is going to that bitch. Love me some GoPan.

I was also really dumb yesterday. Part of me had always hoped that when Richard dissed me, he dissed me because he actually didnt have time to hang out and stuff, and when he got the time..he would un-diss me - so when I was in harvard sqaure last nite. I sent him a text, something to the effect of 'im in harvard square and wanted to say hi' blah blah. And of course, I didnt get a response. I guess it really sunk in that his excuse was just that: an excuse - a way for him to get away from me without 'hurting my feelings.' I mean, saying 'youre a fat ugly troll looking demon child' is a lot more harsh than saying 'oops sorry im busy taking care of inner city children.' I always knew it was the case from the beginning. I did. Because if someone is really into you, it doesnt matter how busy they are. They will find every spare possible moment to just say something to you. And I knew that. But I listened to Han (big mistake) who convinced me not to be so pessimistic about the situation. But what would she know about being ignored, bitch constantly has 324329 men telling her how CHILL she is and how much they want to date her. But I cant completely blame her. I let myself be convinced. I CAN completely blame stupid romantic comedies - cus that shit NEVAR HAPPENS.

Its hard being so insecure. Im constantly looking the mirror and being like 'bleh, is that all.' Ive already started planning out how my eating habits will go once I go back to school. Im planning on eating yogurt, salad, flavorless grilled chicken, and rice. And thats it. For at least 2 weeks. For now. Its going to be hard though. I live with a group who bonds over late night eating. So ill just have to be super will power man. Ill try and find time to workout as well, but thats a lot harder to schedule in. But ill see what I can do. I dont know why I think Ill be less insecure if I have a 6 pack or something. Its just the only solution I can think of. I'm 5'8", 145ish pounds, with a 30 inch waist. Im not a big dude. I know this. But I still feel like it. This is really fucked. The most prominent thing that Ive taken away from college is insecurity. Certainly not a better sense of self, and a feeling that Im going to make it in the world. Im just as confused about my life, and dont feel any better about myself. The good news is that I learned I really like Caesar salads, so thatll make the dieting thing a little bit easier. Obvi going light on the dressing though.

Im cold. My nip nips are sore from protruding so much.

Im such a sensible person. I hate that. Ive never done something cray cray and teenager like, cus Ive always thought the situation too through. Ive never blacked out from drinking. Ive never snuck out. Ive never gone on a trip to a really far place on a whim. I dont have stories. Tim was telling me about how he got drunk and broke into someones house - and while im not sure I wanna reach THAT level of crazy, I just wish I had something to take away from my younger years. Im too smart for my own good. Not book smart (obviously) but common sense smart. Its a good and bad thing. It just makes life so boring. I need to do something crazy, and on a whim. And soon. And post all the wild crazy pics on Facebook, like all the "cool" kids do.

Sometimes I think all my problems would be solved if I just packed up and left and started over somewhere new. But Id probably think about it too much.

God this song is my jam. Its my emo rockin out song. Plus Anna Tsuchiya is hot. Trick's my bitch.

Anywho, the song kinda reflects how Im feeling right now. Which is damn lost. Im being pulled in about 24390230 different directions, and Im running out of time to pick a path. Okay Im exaggerating, but it feels that way.

I kinda feel like I wanna pack up and leave. I want to like start over or something. I thought BC would be the new start I was looking for, but here I am, feeling the same way I did four years ago, with nothing holding me here, ready to begin again. Now dont get me wrong, there are things and people I will miss. But they are few and far between. I dont have that many close friends at BC, and I know thats partially my fault, cus I close myself off to it all the time. I wish I didnt, but I know I do. I didnt use to close myself off, but I can remember exactly when it began. In high school, when I would get lied to and ditched by like Dave and Sara and Janay and whoever else that I thought were my friends - it just made me feel so bad at about myself that I just had to build a wall closing myself from that kinda hurt again. So its like, I dont allow myself to really build a friendship with anyone else cus Im afraid of being left again. Its why I can no longer just pick up the phone and just call someone and talk, or just steal someone's SN and IM them just to talk, I dont have skype dates with anyone or anything; I always feel like Id be awkward or bother the other person or something. And so I can go months without talking to anyone...hell, I did this summer. I have talked to maybe 3 people from BC all summer. Sam, who is easily one of my best friends here, lives down the street..have I seen her? Nope. Janessa, who lives in Rehoboth, which is all of a titty away...have I seen her? Shawn wanted to hang out and get dinner (which was weird...but meh) I havent contacted him about that. Im sabotaging myself. I think this is why I want to be ina relationship so badly, I think I feel like that will be the one person I would be able to call to just talk, or have an AIM convo with and they wouldnt be bothered or whatever. But I wonder if Id probably still end up building a wall with them too, and eventually...meh. This reminds me of how many groups I went through in high school. How many different people I used to hang out with. First there was my middle school crew with Chuck and Zack and them, then the theater people, then sophomore year kinda sucked if i remember. Then I hung out with like Ashley and Mike, and Ben for a while. Then back to Zack and the PVille crew. Then it was mostly Elise outta that crew cus all they would fucking do is sit around play guitar and smoke weed. And for a little (very little while) I hung with Janay and Tina. Then I started hanging out with more 'mos. Oh yeah, I hung out a lot with Maria & Keister and Emily somewhere in there too. Then I started going out with Dylan so all my time was with him and his friends and junk. Then college. Which is a whole nother buttfuck of different groups I floated around with till now.

I guess what the horoscope about Sagittarius isnt that inaccurate. Yesterday I was reading a Sag profile, and it always talks about how the 'hunter' is always looking to move around, and doesnt like predictability, and yadda yadda. And I sat there thinking how wrong that was, cus I like stability and Im not that big on change and stuff. But today I realized - I kinda am. At least on the big stuff. I wouldnt mind going to school at Temple in PA. Then I would be able to go abroad like I always wanted. Albeit for only like 6 weeks. Which is total weaksauce. But there are summer programs as well, so I might be able to extend my stay. I also wouldnt mind going to school in NY. And maybe persuing my dream to be an entertainer, and auditioning for plays or broadway or TV or something. But Im too much of a pussy to make that first step. Ive got so much negative energy around me, Im just kinda meh.

I just wish I had some kind of direction. Some promise of where it would be okay to go. Theres so much uncertainty around graduation, and I certainly dont want to waste my time in the same place. I need to do something. I need something exciting. Maybe I should really look into taking a trip - with a small group. At least that way Id be able to achieve two things, travel and get closer to people. Id hate to go in a group of 2 though. Two is a couple, and just reminds me how much single I am. Plus its harder to meet anyone else if youre in a group of two.

Ive got alotta stuff floating around in me. I should write a song about it. Once BC is back in session I should try and hit the recording studio. I wish I knew someone who played an instrument well though..well I do, but I wish I was friends enough with them to ask that kind of favor. Its time to start writing some lyrics. And hopefully Ill have some kind of photo from the shoot that wont make me look horrific - though I doubt it. Ugh, If I could afford plastic surgery I SO would. Anywho, I should do something. Get some direction. Refocus.

Im going to audition for Jesus Hopped the A Train. It would be cool if I got in. Ive never done a dramatic role before. Belize from Angels hardly had any deep moments. I was the comedic relief. So it would be cool to see if I could actually pull it off. But I need a monologue before I start thinking too far ahead. Im also gonna auditon for the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. But Juergen is directing, and I already know he has his favorites. Hes got a huge man boner for like Seth and E Cole I think, though I know a lot of actors will be going for Twelfth Night. Oh well. All I can do is audition I guess.Im actually ready for school to start.

Im distraught, so I needed to write about it. This weekend I was supposed to hang out with someone, but he went MIA, so I texted another friend, who responded to my first message, then promptly nigga'd me. And yet again the next day. This bothers me. I dont like being ignored. If you dont want to hang out with me, or are just too busy or something, just tell me. Ill get over it. I understand people have lives that dont revolve around me, Im not 5 years old. But how hard is it to just text me with a simple 'Sorry I cant' or something? Its frustrating that people think Im not even worth a response.

Whats arguably worse, is when they lie. I hate liars. Hate hate hate hate hate. This is why larrys stankness bothered me so fucking much. Just tell me the truth. Just be straightfoward. Why lie? If you think youre sparing my feelings just think of how Id feel when I catch you in your lie. And Ive caught tons of peoeple. Cus people are generally just really bad at it. Plus other people talk, so all you need is one other person to blow up your spot and blab the truth, so you mightas well do it yourself. I have 'friends' who talk to me, and I refuse to believe. I pretend like I do, but inside im rolling my eyes and taking it with a grain of salt, cus Ive caught too many of their lies. It just really bothers me.

Then today, when I was just beginning to turn around from getting fucked up the bumhole. I read a fb status update from dylie-poo, saying hes going out on a date. Oh thats funny, cus a few weeks ago, when I wanted to start over, you told me that you werent looking for a relationship or anything like that. And I said 'well at least the problem is him, and not me, so I dont feel so bad.' And I moved on, till today when I realized..'oh no, the problem actually was me' and I go back to feeling like shit because I feel like Ive been rejected again. And much like the problem I have with liars right now, if he has just been straightforward with me then, then I wouldnt feel like shit now. Its just so frustrating because I just keep getting rejected, and I just dont know what Im doing wrong. Is it my personality? My looks? If I could afford plastic surgery I would probably do it. I wanted to cook a nice dinner tonite. Now I dont know, I dont feel much like eating. Maybe I shouldve just gone anorexic like I planned. I hate that I like food so much. Makes the whole anorexic thing hard to pull off. And I hate throwing up, so I couldnt pull off being bulimic either. Maybe Ill go to CVS and buy some more of those diet pills. Blahhh, hate my bodyyy. If only I had a 6 pack. Cus Ive seen guys who are BUSTED, but oh no, you can see their abs and they are suddenly hot shit. Hate that. I need abs.

The good news is that Koda Kumi's "Love goes like" just came on..and thats my jam.The other good news is that what Im feeling, larry must be feeling triple cus I know he still stalks dylans page. Stalker check told me so. Plus, I didnt cry for an hour when he rejected me the first time.

ugh I sent the message. and now I want to take it back. i dont think it was needy or anything. i hope. something to the effect of 'hey youre prob still busy, but if your schedule opens up id be happy to hang out again, i havent seen you in ages!' That wasnt it word for word, cus i already forget..but that was the gist. Was that a bad idea? Ugh, hes going to do me stank again. Why did I send this? He probably wont even read it. Hes barely ever on FB. Ugh I suck.

I'm all moved in! Well, as moved in as Im going to be considering Im moving again the last week of August. The place is nice, I have my own room, and the bed is ginNORMOUS! (Well, at least compared to where Id been sleeping before) Oh boy, Im gonna want to put that to good use. (But will probably not be able to. fml) I cant wait to have a party in it. Im thinking this Friday, its been a while since Ive partied, so I really want to. :) I can only hope this one wont be as debaucherous as the last. This time, I expressly forbid: rim jobs in our bathroom (EWW), sleeping with anyones ex (little bastard), getting walked in on while youre going at it (Im still pissed I didnt get to finish), following straight guys to their apartment and falling asleep next to them so they wake up the next morning and freak out and think theyve been raped or something (oh casey), and throwing up in anyones bed (double ewww).

But dammit does it all make a good fucking story.We'll see how the next one turns out. My guess is that nothing can top the last one, in terms of good stories.

Bad thing about the place is that the Comcast doesnt transfer till Friday, so till then I really have no internet. And for someone who ALWAYS has to be connected, thats my own personal hell. Theres one network I can steal sometimes, but its slow as titties, so I can barely check my mail before it vanished. Looks like Im going to be playing a lot of Civilization and watching a lot more Queer as Folk this week. And while we are on that subject, we rented the first season of the L Word this weekend...um..yawn. And not just cus its full of lesbians, but like, the show is mad slow. Queer as Folk picked up speed right away, but the L Word was taking too long, we lost interest after the 2 hour pilot. Then we just looked it up on Wikipedia and just read the synopsis, went much faster.

I talked to my dad about the problems with my life after graduation. About the whole, I have no art thing. He seemed to get where I was coming from. And I seemed to sell the whole Web/Multimedia Designer thing to him. I basically said that as far as I know right now, the best bet for a steady career around here would be in advertising. Cus at my internship I learned that lately in advertising, print, radio, tv, and all that old shit has taken cuts, while the only department that is growing is interactive, so theres a market for it. It also helps that you could work for practically anyone since everyone needs a website. He seemed to get that. He offered to buy me programs to start working on a portfolio, but I dun think he realized a) they are expensive and b) id probably need a new not shitty computer. Im still tryina figure out what to do, but I still have this feeling that Im going to take extra classes before I can think about grad school. Meanwhile, I still have a major hard on for Temple University, because I like the idea of being kinda far from home, since I never did that. Not to mention that if I go to Temple, I can go abroad to Japan, which is still the biggest regret Ive ever had. Seeing pictures and FB statuses of people who are/went abroad sucks so much. Makes me really feel like I missed out, and I hate that. Maybe I really should look into the JET program as well... argh, theres just so much I want to do! I want to persue my career in art, I want to be able to go abroad, and I want to be able to persue a career in entertainment and try and audition for stuff. Maybe if I went to a school in NY, I could solve all three.....but ugh that bitch is expensive.

In another window, I have Richards FB open, and the message window open. I considered it enough, but I didnt write or send anything. I just dont know if I want to. I figure since the summer is kind of winding down he might have more time, but I dont want to get my hopes up, or give him the opportunity to screw with me again. But I dunno. He probably wont see the message for another 3 weeks anyways, fool barely goes on FB. I dunno what to do, maybe Ill just try and sound as friendly as possible. But ugh, my pride is so against me going back. Ill have this internal battle going on probably all day.

I started checking out my classes and junk, because I signed up for them in like April so I completely forgot what they are. My schedule is ok. Mondays suck cus 2 of my 1 day a week classes are on Monday. I go 10 -> 11 -> 12 - 2:20 (which means I get no lunch) -> 3 - 5:30. Thats pretty much a full day. How ugly. Good news is that the rest of the week I have almost nothing. Wed, and Fri Im done by 12. So my weekends will start earlyyyy! Itll come in handy when I come to Amherst to visit! :p Im kinda unhappy though. I want to take a 6th course just for my own enjoyment, and Im obviously going to take it pass/fail so it wont really be a burden on me, but there isnt much that fits. I wanted to take a theater course, but there isnt much, cept Acting 1. Which is full, and P. Riggs is nuts anyways. Plus, Ive been cast on mainstage enough, do the professors really think I need to be in Acting 1?! </end> I thought about taking Jazz Dance, cus I think Kirsten actually likes me. During her Fosse workshop she did compliment me a whole bunch, plus during Sweet Charity rehearsals we kinda joked around and stuff. Plus I dont like to brag (yes I do) but I totally killed all of the dances in that show. Plus, she did cast me as the solo male dancer dude. So Im just sayinggg. Problem is, Jazz dance is at 9 (EW), plus it goes till 10:30, and I have class at 10, so thats a no go. Then I thought about going back to Japanese, but I would probs have to repeat 3rd year Japanese, which is okay cus I get Oliver-sensei, and that ladys my bitch. But its M,W,F at 2. And on Monday I have my class till 2:20, so I wont be able to sign up for it cus of the conflict. Im pretty bummed cus those are the only 2 classes I really wanted, so now Ive got to look around and see if theres anything else I might want to look into. Its frustrating because it seems as though everything I might want comes into conflict with what I need. :( Maybe I should just stick with the boring old 5 classes I have. Blah.

Ok this was a long one. Tho Im not doing much anything else. I thought my boss was coming back from vacay today, but she didnt. So Ive still got nothing. Im def going to the gym today. I havent gone in soo long, and I feel wicked fatttt, though my dlist is making me feel a little better about myself. A while ago, for my profile picture, instead of having my face or anything, I put up a picture of my abs, which for some reason look really good. (It must have been the lighting or something because my abs do NOT look like that normally) In the few days since Ive put that up, Ive gotten 3 "Im into yous", 2 friend requests, and a comment from someone who had barely ever talked to me, saying "hey I think Namie Amuro is coming out with a single soon" You fool, do you think I dont know what Namie does?! Do you think I dont go to her website like weekly, even though I can barely read anything?! Do you think I dont know about her McDonalds Collaboration?! You insult me. Plus youre kinda wrong and were clearly just trying to start conversation, so I cant be too mad at you. But still.. this is what I hate about menz. I can put up the cutest, most photoshopped picture of myself ever, I can sound genuine and real in my profile, I can joke, and try and talk and errything...and I get nothing. Put up a picture of a tummy, and guys are lining up. I got a body builder from DC saying he was into me, and some asian from CA. Which btw, is why I hate "Im into You." I dont give a fuck if youre into me, youre 34029580398490 miles away. What the fuck is that supposed to do for me? Expect us to be internet buddies? Gtfo, thats what I have World of Warcraft for. Ugh, hate menz.

Ok Ill wrap this up cus its pretty long...and then I found 5 dollars, the end.

Posted on 2009.08.07 at 09:42Current Music: The Ting Tings - Thats Not My Name

Im moving today! Yay! I know, it seems silly to move for only a month, and Im hearing it from practially everyone. But when youre the only people who clean, the only ones who cook, and bitches hover around the kitchen like a prostitute looking for dick, it gets frustrating. Plus the last straw for me was when I saw maggots crawling out of the trash. At that point it was pretty much a done deal. Plus I save $10 on the rent, and get a nicer place. Okay, moving is a pain. But a whole apartment to ourselves? Im good with that. We are just going to have to have much more visitors to fill up the space! =]

Reading Mark's notes about his time in Thailand and such makes me think that maybe the JET program wouldnt be such a bad idea. I might give it a shot I guess, but I know my luck, they would put me in the ass end of Japan where theres no power and shit. Black people were already rare as fuck in Tokyo, forget the boonies. I still remember that wide eyed bitch who legit STARED at my sis and me. She was probs having a baby heart attack seeing 3 whole black people up close. Oh well, it at least seems like Mark is having fun...now if only his little Thai students knew he was such a freak-a-leak...yiiikes.

I cant believe that after this year I graduate college and become a real person. Ahhhhhh! I dont wanna talk about it.

I still want to record a demo tape and send it to Sony Japan. I know itll never happen, but who knows..maybe the stars will align. If anything, maybe theyll want a black person to model all the urban clothes that they like so much. Maybe Ill get lucky. If only I could take a good headshot.... bah.

Ok, short entry. I might be back after Im all moved into my new apartment. =]

My housing situation sucks. Not the one for the school year, obviously. The one I have now. Me and Nzinga are the only ones who cook and clean, and manage the bills, so everyone takes advantage of that. Han eats all our food, and TJ doesnt do a GD thing. The irish are gone, thank God, but not without leaving a disgusting mess in their bathroom and bedroom and the kitchen. I cant stand it. When the cable got shut off on us, it was me and Nzinga who walked the mile and some change all the way to Comcast to get it re-done. It was her to contacted Eric, that doosh, to get permission to start a new account. The account is in MY name. Im mananging it. And the gas bill. This is ridiculous. Im not your father. I shouldnt have to remind you about cleaning and the bills, I thought we were all grown here....Well fuck you all. We're moving, and waiting for the gas to get shut off on you, because youre all too irresponsible to manage the bill yourself. As soon as Im gone, the cable will get discontinued, and frankly youre fucked anyways because Im taking my tv back. Hope you like trekking to BC to find free internet....No if only the guy whos place we are taking wasnt such a flakey fuck we could get this moving process started. I hate college students. I hate your average, drink too much, WASPy, bro, tanning, pearl wearing college students. SO fucking unreliable.

I woke up re-angry about that larry situation. Ive just never been so blatantly betrayed before so I just cant get over how stank he did me. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, I did. But he KNEW. He knew I wasnt over Dylan at that point. And Travis only kissed him, big deal, Id get over that. But larry bitched and moaned, and used MY name and told Travis that Dylan was MY ex, and that he was being disrespectful. And thats when he took the opportunity. I just dont understand how you could do someting like that. I will NEVER trust him. And again, its not even about Dylan anymore, Im way over and past that shit. Its just the fact that he pulled such a shitty move. I actually think I hate him.

I want to take a trip. Zings thinks Montreal would be our best bet, tho I dunno how I feel about french canada. Though for 200 bucks we would have a bus ticket and a hotel which is pretty badass. Only thing is I dont wanna go with just us two, cus thats boring as fuck. Id much rather get at least..say two more people to go with us. I figure two cus Im thinking at most 4 ppl could stay in one room. Unless we do it Mexican style, which I have no problem with. Anyways the prob is finding people to go. Shes apparently picky about who she travels with, and Id rather not go with any of her friends that Ive never met before. I figure we should only go with people we've both met. But who knows. Frankly Im thinking this trip wont happen. Maybe during the school year, but probs not now. Weve got too much to deal with this moving shit anyways. Plus bitch is broke so I dunno how thats gonna work. Ugh, I wanna just go somewhere! Anywhere. I just want to hop in a car or bus and pick a location and be there for a couple days. Im tired of it here.

Can we talk about how sexy my druids cat form is? And lucky me the white one is what I wanted anyways. I should really level to 80. Now if only they redo moonkin and travel form. P.S. Why am I still paying for this game when I barely play?! Ill probably start again once I go back to school cus Alex will be there with his fucking gaming pc. But meh. I just dont have the drive to play like I used to. Plus warlocks didnt get any new toys, so I dont feel like leveling him anymore. I wanna take the druid feral and tear shit up with all my pretty updated white pixels. My feral gear sucks though since I was boomkin for Northrend. I wonder which would be more worth it, to continue as boomkin, or feral. Im not sure which levels faster, and guides are always vague. WoW dilemma....then theres the issue of my priest which I dont even wanna get into. But with dual spec, I can be shadow to level and holy to heal, which will be awesome... hmm..maybe I should invest in dual spec for the druid too. But Id still hafta pick one DPS tree, and the Resto tree. But which??? Doh!

Ugh, when Jen (my boss) isnt here (and even sometimes when she is) I have NOTHING to do. And I dont care to get any more assignments from anyone else. Makes work go sooo slow though.

I would like to take this time to say how much I hate Richard. I hate hate hate hate hate him...Ok more like Im trying to but I cant because hes such a good fucking person. I FB stalk him on the regular (sue me) and just seeing him with all the little negro children that are at his camp. I cant be mad at him. Which sucks. Because it just makes me miss him more. I know he said he didnt have time for me now, but maybe itll change once the school year starts? (Tho that fool goes to Harvard, do I really think he'll make time for me then....?)

Maybe I should just swallow my pride and say, 'hey, whenever you might be free, Im here' I dont want to get over him. But I do. I hate him.

EDIT: Urghhhhh. I hateeeee him! Hes not even that good looking. Hes just so goddam genuine and intelligent I just cant help it. And god knows Ive never dated someone intelligent enough to know that theres no such thing as 'boy cars' and 'girl cars'

EDIT 2: Damn Him! Damn that camp! Damn the big brother program! And damn him again! And while we are damning people, damn Larry for being such a shitty backstabbing friend. Fucker. God he sucks. I dont care how heartless this sounds, but Im glad he cried for an hour after getting rejected. And Im glad Dylan thinks hes a creep. Cus he is. Nigga. Arggggggh!

I suddenly realized that I have like two hours left in the day so I mightas well keep writing cus I have nothing else better to do. Im supposed to be designing a series of images to go on the website that have student smiling faces (Theyre all oogly as fuck) as well as a quote from them, saying how Alumni donations have helped shape their education.

Its a load of horse shit.Plus I cant even go on because I dont know how the powers-that-be feel about my design yet.

But what the hey. I get paid, and I get to have fun. Its amazing how much faster work goes when I get to do what I like, and play with Photoshop and design things. God I went to the wrong school. This really sucks. I havent taken any college art classes, and I expect to try and be a digital artist? I wont even be able to get into grad school. Im legit going to have to start over. In like one of those degree programs they give old people who are like parents and shit and need to get a new degree cus the economy sucks and they got fired from being an accountant or something. I blame my parents. I can barely design a webpage, and the shit Ive done here Ive just stolen from the internet, copied and BC-fied it. Theres no way Im going to have 20-30 pieces of art to apply to a graduate school with. After I graduate I am legit going to have to take extra courses so that I can build a portfolio. God I fail.

All this is assuming I graduate. I hate computer science. With a bloody passion. It sucks. and granted its only my minor, but I have not got higher than a B in any of those classes. And it contained the first class ive ever failed in my entire life. Which raped my GPA so hard that it has AIDS and twins. So pretty much even if I had the art to compete with, prestigious schools who take GPA into account would laugh themselves pregnant at my expense. And while a 2.9 isnt terrible,everyone knows if you dont have a 3.0 or above, dont bother.

I wonder if I should workout today. Ive been so image conscious cus of my quest to attract a luver. But Im also lazy, and havent been in quite some time. Maybe Ill go, but just take it easy. Like REALLY easy. I still have yet to see any significant difference. But I think that compared to if I lived at home, I ended up taking better care of my body.

Okay Im actually done writing now. Mainly cus Im bored of it and cant think of anything to say. Im wondering if I can get away with leaving early since I got nothing to do. Hmmmmmm....

Rather then giving the posts an actual title, Ill just say what song Im listening to. Assuming that the song will be different then what Im listening to by the end of the post.

I realized while peeing that very few people have seen me with my new glasses. Since its such a big change from my old ones (and Im still not completely sold on em) its kinda a big deal. I still need opinions.

The weekend was pretty boring. Reminds me of my time at BC. My problem is that when Im around extroverted people, Im a super extrovert. When Im by myself, Im a super introvert. So when Im alone, Ill hide away and not call anyone or try and get out of the house or something, but then Ill complain that Im bored. When Im with people who are outgoing, I feed off their energy, and its easier for me to be more outgoing and call people and say 'hey what are you doing, lets hang out.' It doesnt help that Im really skeptical of people in general, so its hard for me to get close to anyone. But thats another issue that can warrant a whole other novel worth of post.

When I was on my way home to try and buy furniture (ugh, thats another post worthy story) I took the bus that went thru Harvard, and I saw the campus, and the river, and it reminded me of the time I spent with Richard, and it made me super sad and I desperately wanted to contact him again. I didnt because my pride wouldnt let me. But if he would just say something to me, Id take him back in a second. But my life isnt a romanic comedy, so I mightas well move on.

Dyl came back with us, when I went back to my house. Basically I went home friday, and wanted to come back the same day because I hate being home. As much fun as curfews and annoying parentals are, Id rather be bored and alone in my own house, then being bitched at by Mummy and daddy, and the sister. Anyways, I already told Dylan that Id be coming down, and that when I did my furniture shopping (Which ended up not happening cus XMas Tree Shop ran outta the chair I wanted...ugh) I would pick him up and he could spend the weekend with us. Well I was already expecting backlash because my mom was going to be the one to drop me back off. And as soon as my fam saw Dylan (who none of them recognized cus theyre all fucking retarded) they all gave him the eye and their attitudes changed. Even to me. They were made cold to their own son. After I got home, my dad calls me twice, but I didnt answer cus I knew what it was about. Instead I didnt call back till Sunday afternoon. Where my dad freaks out cus Dylan looks gay. They dont know that he is, they just thought he looked it. And Im just like...when did you all develop gaydar? Then daddy dear is all 'you cant hang out with gay people cus its bad for your reputation. And you wont be able to go to grad school or get a job'

U fucking serious?

Nigga, this isnt Haiti, where everyone knows everyone else business like that. Its nobodys business who I hang out with. Can you imagine the applications:

Name:___________ Date Of Birth:__________ Been seen with any fags lately: ___Yes ____No

And they wonder why I dotn like to come home. Its cus you think retarded shit like this. My sister didnt even get her say in, which will be the worst of all cus since shes gone and found God or whatever, shes turned into such a judgemental bitch who cant mindher own business. And she actually knew that I dated him. So Im expecting the inquisition as soon as she gets the chance. And I will avoid her like the fucking hiv. Cant stand her anyways. Ho wonders why I never tell her anything, and its cus shes judgemental!!! When she has NO reason to be considering some of the stuff shes done, compared to anything Ive done.

Bah. Im sick of being lonely. I want to be in a relationship again. I should just stop looking though. As Sam said 'the only place ass fall from is the sky.' Once I stop looking so hard, Im sure Ill just bump into someone. But Im impatient.

I would like to start this entry by noting that my last few entries were around the time I was dating Dylan.

And very suddenly this summer, Ive started hanging out with him again after 3 some odd years of being in some fight that I dont even remember.

Right now my lastfm decided to nigga me by playing "Brown Eyes" by Destiny's Child.

Brown Eyes was our song.

Reading these entries and listening to this song has just made me crazy emotional.

Luckily Immediately after, Real Me came on, and listening to Ayu's engrish always puts a smile on my face. Its funny, Im 20 now. But so much is the same. Im the same. Im still emo. Im still lonely. I still talk about poop. And I still listen to too much J-Pop. (Though Ive starting listening to K-Pop as well)

I still dont know what I want to do after I graduate. And I very much regret coming here, cus I shoulda gone to art school like I wanted, and became the graphic artist Ive always wanted to. But whatevs. Maybe grad school? But thats a whole other issue in itself. Ive thought about the JET program. But Im afraid to be in the boonies of Japan for a year. But its still an option.

I decided that guys suck. Men are foul sometimes. The world isnt about having sex with everyone and everything you see. What happened to holding hands? Slow kisses? Dates? You know, the whole "romance" thing? Ring a bell? No?

Ive been hurt a lot this summer. I thought I wanted to get back together with Dylan. He disagreed with that thought. That hurt. Met a Harvard guy, told me he liked me. Did the whole date/romance thing. At least once. Then he told me he was too busy to see me. That hurt. My 'new friend' Larry took the liberty of making sure nobody hooked up with Dylan while I was around, cus he knew that was still kinda a sore spot. I was actually touched. He then took the opportunity to hook up with Dylan himself. That hurt.

Ive hit really low points this summer, thinking about how lonely I am. How little direction I have. How I havent taken any steps toward my dream of becoming an entertainer. I wish I could say things could change, but i have no way of knowing that.

The good news is, history repeats itself. And like this time 3 years ago, I have a good feeling about something. I dont know what. But I felt it then. And someone really great came into my life. Now I dunno if that will happen again. But Ive got a good feeling, and Im glad.