This blog contains original artwork that sometimes depicts NUDITY and SEXUALITY in an ARTISTIC manner. The author and artist is a CHRISTIAN HOMELESS man who hopes to simultaneously EDUCATE and ENTERTAIN the public. Sadly, on MARCH 23rd, Google Blogger will SHUT DOWN this site for alleged EXPLICIT content. Thank you for eight thrilling years of sharing the joys of UNCENSORED MUSIC, ART, LITERATURE and FILM. God BLESS you!

27 February 2006

Always Magic in the Air: The Bomp and Brilliance of the Brill Building Era is an entertaining, comprehensive, and riveting study of seven legendary songwriting teams: Doc Pomus and Mort Shuman; Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller; Burt Bacharach and Hal David; Neil Sedaka and Howard Greenfield; Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil; Gerry Goffin and Carole King; and Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich. The time was the late 1950's and early '60's, the Golden Era of Rock'n'Roll, and the place was New York City. The players were young, talented, and Jewish. They came from varying social and economic backgrounds. They brought with them their energy, enthusiasm, and artistry. They left their collective footprints in musical history, and in our minds and hearts. More than just a biography of fourteen people, however, Magic is an all-inclusive study of the hit sounds born in two relatively unimposing buildings in Manhattan: The Brill Building, located at 1619 Broadway, and its near neighbor at 1650 Broadway.

The roots of Rock'n'Roll in general are discussed, as are the Latin influences in many of the songs these talented scribes wrote (for example, the Brazilian baião drumbeat intro to The Ronettes' "Be My Baby"). The individual and collective backgrounds and lives of the principals, most of whom were interviewed for this book, are covered in depth. Their personal histories make for fascinating reading! With the exception of Carole King, all those still living were interviewed by author Ken Emerson, and in the case of the composers no longer with us(Doc Pomus, Mort Shuman, and Howard Greenfield), Emerson drew on a wealth of biographical and historical information as well as contributions from friends, relatives, and other reliable sources. Emerson also utilized material from previously published and/or broadcast articles, interviews and documentaries. The result is a thorough and generously annotated book, well-researched with a comprehensive bibliography. It's a must-have for Rock historians! They'll want to add this delightful and informative book to their collections, and so will those who are simply fans of what has become known as the Brill Building sound.

Always Magic in the Air (the title comes from a line in the Drifters' hit "On Broadway," by the way) is an absolute pleasure to read! It's fun and interesting, a study of people as well as music, and it never lets up. From Elvis Presley's "Hound Dog" to The Drifters' "Save the Last Dance For Me" . . . from Neil Sedaka's "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" to Jackie DeShannon's "What the World Needs Now" . . . from The Shirelles wondering "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" to The Dixie Cups goin' to the "Chapel of Love" and The Righteous Brothers crying over how "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'," the sounds of the Brill Building era are as much a part of our lives as the air that we breathe. Ken Emerson's rockumentary is itself a breath of fresh air, and it's always magical, from start to finish.

25 February 2006

What makes a good pop/rock group? Distinctive singing? Catchy, can't get-'em-out-of-your-head melodies? Provocative lyrics? Danceable rhythms? Solid production values? If your answer is "yes" to all these questions, then one group that delivers all you require is The Archies. That's right . . . The Archies. A studio group created nearly forty years ago to generate music for an animated cartoon series.

That massively popular TV show exploded onto the CBS network's Saturday morning schedule in September, 1968. By far, the most popular aspect of the show was its weekly musical segment, featuring an original Rock tune sung and played by Archie Andrews and his teen pals . . . in reality, a crackerjack studio band fronted by Ron Dante, one of the most in-demand session singers of the '60s. With the entire contents of three soundtrack albums telecast over the course of the first two seasons, The Archies' popularity escalated to such an extent that, by Spring of 1970, they had four Top Forty singles to their credit. One of those singles, "Sugar, Sugar," was 1969's Record of the Year. It sold platinum, as did its follow-up, "Jingle Jangle."

Don Kirshner, the famed Rock entrepreneur, owned the record label that marketed Archies music. He had an uncanny ability to pick hits, but the real credit for The Archies' magic sound belongs to Jeff Barry, a seasoned songwriter and producer groomed in the legendary Brill Building hit factory. Barry fashioned a winning approach to the music: Basic Rock'n'Roll instrumentation and generous portions of a tasty Gospel, Blues and Rockabilly mixture. Ron Dante's fresh tenor voice effectively captured the feeling of youthful exuberance The Archies personified. Kirshner's business savvy, Barry's production expertise and Dante's vocal ability was a formula for incredible good fortune, creating a wave of acclaim that propelled the television show into its third year.

However, that 1970-71 season saw big changes. "The Archie Comedy Hour" (successor to the original half-hour "Archie" show) became "Archie's Funhouse." Musical segments now presented The Archies in a mock "concert" setting, with animation integrated into live footage of children cheering and applauding. The songs were shorter than before, allowing several to be featured per episode. Lyrically, they were targeted to a somewhat younger audience than had previously been the case. The most noteworthy change also had to do with lyrics. Some of The Archies' new material included explicit protest songs; others featured socially conscious messages. At the time, this was unheard-of in a cartoon series. Obviously, someone had decided that children's television could and should reflect the same issues adults were confronting on their nightly news reports.

That someone was Neil Brian Goldberg. Jeff Barry handed over the third season production reins to him and retired to an executive producer's role that was, for all intents and purposes, hands-off. Except for the "Archie's Funhouse" theme and "Sunshine"(the hit single from the third season), Jeff didn't write any of the new songs. For contractual reasons, his wife Nancy is the "Barry" listed in the co-writer credits, but she didn't actually contribute to the project at all. Goldberg, a former Cameo-Parkway recording artist and talented staff songwriter for Jeff Barry Enterprises, was given free rein to mold The Archies however he wanted to.

His concept might’ve been indistinguishable from Jeff Barry's, except for the interference of an executive at Filmation Studios, the company that produced the TV shows. This executive, who shall remain nameless, instructed Goldberg to "write dumb"! He felt that this was the best way to create music for children. Neil strongly disagreed. To prove that children's music didn't have to be condescending, he purposely wrote Archies songs with provocative messages . . . messages about the environment, spirituality, and the human condition.

Delivered right at deadline, his message songs must have come as a shock to that Filmation executive. Regardless, the studio’s animators designed an unprecedented series of cartoon videos that turned on social themes. There were still plenty of basic, good-time Rock'n'Roll numbers for kids to dance to, but clearly, much of the new material was meant for listening, not dancing. This was educational television with an exciting new twist, and “Archie’s Funhouse” wasn’t even intended to be an educational show! "It turned out that one out of every three songs of the ("Archie's Funhouse") project had a good and positive message of some kind," Neil remembers. Rock critics preoccupied with the latest musings of Bob Dylan and John Lennon totally overlooked this Saturday morning revolution. Perhaps that was inevitable, since they had always underestimated the value of popular music created for children and still do.

Neil Brian Goldberg's songs aired in reruns of "Archie's Funhouse" for decades to come, but only four of them ever saw commercial release: "Mister Factory," "One Big Family," "Comes The Sun" and "Dance!" All four appear on The Archies' Sunshine LP, the first of their albums that was only partially devoted to soundtrack recordings. His tenure as producer proved to be a tough act to follow. The Archies continued to appear on Saturday morning television until the end of the decade, but the Rock component was dropped after 1971. For three years, incidental background themes were the only music to be heard on new permutations of the series. Something was definitely missing.

Filmation Studios and Archie Comics conceived a historically-based cartoon series called “US of Archie” in 1974, and producer Jackie Mills was hired to create thematic material for this new show. Mills’ Archies songs (performed by ex-Doodletown Piper Tom McKenzie with anonymous background singers) had a Dixieland Rock flavor and focused on important events in American history. You might call them educational, but they weren’t true message songs, and they weren’t as popular. After this, the only new Archies recordings Filmation Studios commissioned were some ill-conceived spoken word pieces performed by actor Dallas McKennon (the voice of the animated Archie) over a tacky techno background. During the 1980s, some of this awful music was dubbed into syndicated reruns of the first TV season, replacing Jeff Barry’s original songs; it was even released on an obscure soundtrack album called The Archies Drive The Boulevard.

Neil Brian Goldberg fulfilled one more Archies assignment: During Ron Dante's hiatus from the group in mid-1971, Neil replaced him as lead vocalist on a ballad called "Love Is Living In You". The tune, written by Phil Cody and Bob Levine, was undoubtedly a demo that Don Kirshner decided to release as a single. The rarest of all domestic Archies releases, its Ritchie Adams production credit has been disputed by Joe Renzetti, whose name appears on the label as arranger. Neil always produced his own demos, so Adams, if involved at all, probably overdubbed the prominent autoharp, which Renzetti says he would never have used in an arrangement.

After his brief stint as Archie, Neil went back to being a staff writer for Jeff Barry Enterprises. In later years, he wrote best-selling tunes for Candi Staton("Do It In The Name Of Love"), Robin McNamara ("Got To Believe In Love'), Bobby Sherman ("I Don't Believe In Magic"), Bobby Bloom ("We're All Goin' Home") and Tom Jones("It's Up To The Woman"). His more recent efforts, which have titles like "Freedom Bird." "Love Storm," "Brother Man" and "The Last Princess" contain spiritual and social messages not unlike those found in his Archies compositions. He feels very strongly about these newer songs. However, because they were crafted with children in mind, his Archies compositions hold a special place in his heart. "(At the time) I hardly told anyone about The Archies 'cause I was embarrassed that they were only "Bubblegum/kiddie" songs," he confesses. "But now I realize what a major event each of those shows was. No one had any idea what was about to happen to children's TV, and to the next generation of kids!"

No one from that generation will ever forget hearing Neil Brian Goldberg songs like "One Big Family," with its subtle yet strong message about the fellowship of humanity, and "Mister Factory," a plea for the environment performed to a chilling cartoon sequence showing toddlers in gas masks. Neil wrote thirty-two "Archie's Funhouse" songs in all, over two dozen of which remain unissued. It's unclear if they'll ever see CD release, but at least we can hear them on the "Archie's Funhouse" DVD set that Classic Media released in 2008.

Maybe the rarity of these sides will eventually make them too tantalizing for catalog A & R men to resist? Then again, maybe not . . . reissue label logic can be hard to fathom. In any event, Neil Brian Goldberg hopes to publish his autobiography soon, and that book will grant the public a long-overdue opportunity to focus its attention on his revolutionary Archies songs. Those songs may not only be the most significant portion of the group’s recorded legacy, but also the most important music ever written for children's television. Here, for the first time, is an in-depth consideration of them.

"Anyone Can Be Anything" - Twangy guitar + bass + layered harmonies = a solid Pop/Rock foundation. The catalyst is one of those hook-filled, money-in-the-bank melodies Neil Brian Goldberg specialized in. The result is a high degree of listening pleasure. One of the finest Rock‘n’Roll children's songs you’ll ever hear.

"The Ballad Of 51st Street Park"- Civic groups could've made excellent use of this mid-tempo rocker in public service announcements. The Archies tell the story of how an enterprising group of neighborhood kids revitalizes a run-down, garbage-strewn and rat-infested city park.

"Jungle George" - This clever comedy tune seems to have been inspired by the fondly remembered 1967 cartoon series "George Of The Jungle"(Neil denies having ever seen the show, but he may have seen or heard the title somewhere). Thirty years later, the same cartoon would inspire a 1997 live-action film starring Brendan Fraser. Kids loved the goofy tropical sound effects of "George," as well as its irresistible natives-on-the-warpath rhumba beat.

"La-La-La-La-Love"- A variation on the theme of Burt Bacharach and Hal David's 1965 smash hit "What The World Needs Now,” tailored to a grade-schooler's taste and set to a infectious cha-cha rhythm.

"The Laughing Song"- When Neil has occasion to perform his Archies songs in public, he says this number is always a big hit with kids. The average Rock critic would likely dismiss "The Laughing Song" as the epitome of vapid Bubblegum, but this ditty is wicked catchy, and it’s tough to sing, too! Ron Dante’s skill at breath control and phrasing made it sound easy.

"Little By Little" - The Archies never had a better showcase for Ron Dante’s tenor delivery than this beautiful and uplifting song about overcoming life’s obstacles. He and Neil blend their voices together to produce the sky-high harmonies.

"The Lonely Cricket"- This easygoing ballad has a "Nashville Sound" appeal guaranteed to make even the most avowed Country music hater smile. “The Lonely Cricket” might've come across as just another silly children's tune, but Neil had bigger plans. He bathes it in soulful piano and guitar licks that are as fresh and pure as water from a mountain stream. The poor cricket's heartbreak over the world's indifference to his music is a metaphor for every musician's desire to have his work appreciated.

"Looks That Say I Love You" - Neil addresses the eternal Veronica/Archie/Betty love triangle, laying a honey-sweet melody on top of a lively Cuban rhythm foundation. Had he written this number during the 1950s era of Latin dance crazes, he might’ve called it “The Unrequited Relationship Rhumba!” Almost any man could dance his way into a woman’s heart with the help of this song.

"Love Vibrations" - With a street classy beat, sizzlin' guitar chords and killer hooks, this was clearly the most commercial-sounding song from "Archie's Funhouse." Filmation Studios put this tasty track in heavy rotation, just like Top Forty deejays spinning a Rolling Stones record. The next step was for Kirshner Records to press it on wax and watch it sell like a Rolling Stones record, but Don Kirshner didn't, and he let a major hit slip away.

"Love Went 'Round The World" - Neil loved the simplicity of the music video Filmation Studios created for this celebration of universal love; it depicted dozens of palpitating valentine hearts encircling the globe. Ron Dante sings it with heartfelt emotion.

"Love Land"- It may not boast one of Neil's strongest lyrics, but "Love Land" has one of those insidious melodies that invades your consciousness and sears itself onto your memory like a branding iron. It's almost unfair, how even lesser Neil Goldberg compositions are strong enough to rate radio exposure!

"Lucky Me"- It wouldn't be surprising to learn that "Lucky Me" was recorded just before or right after "Fallin' In Love Is Fun." It bears the same axemaster's handiwork, and would fit just as well in the repertoire of a Heavy Metal band like AC/DC or Judas Priest. Even before Neil took over as producer, fluffy toy piano tracks were never The Archies oeuvre. If they had been, the music wouldn't have been anywhere near as popular with adults.

"Mister Factory" - Every song with an environmental message should be like this: Simple, direct, and unforgettably visual. Even without the somber cartoon video that shocked everyone, "Mister Factory" qualifies as one of the most cutting-edge children's songs ever written. American radio may not have been ready for socio-political Archies songs, but other parts of the world clearly were: "A Summer Prayer For Peace," another cut from the Sunshine album, topped the charts in South Africa. Imagine how this better-known and much more powerful protest ballad would have fared as an international single.

"Monkey-See, Monkey-Do" - As this number demonstrates, Neil could do the coolest things with a catch phrase and a rhumba beat! "Hey! Little One," “Looks That Say I Love You” and "Monkey-See, Monkey-Do" are examples of a type of song music journalist Ken Emerson calls "Jewish Latin." It's an important subgenre of Rock'n'Roll which also includes classic records like Elvis Presley’s “It's Now Or Never,” Jay and The Americans' "Come A Little Bit Closer" and The Drifters' "There Goes My Baby."

"My Singin' Guitar" - Centuries from now, someone may stumble across an old DVD of "Archie's Funhouse" and mistake this ballad for an update of 19th century Appalachian folk tune. Neil wrote it in 1970, but it just as easily could've been composed two-hundred years ago. Simply timeless!

"Oh, Baby! (Don't Let It Get You Down)" - With its failed relationship theme, catchy chorus and impassioned vocals, this record sounds like something you might've heard Three Dog Night or The Doobie Brothers singing on '70s pop radio. Pasting the children’s music label on a song with so much adult appeal is highly questionable! “Oh, Baby!” was definitely another potential hit that Don Kirshner overlooked.

"Oh, Sweet Suzy" - Neil takes in hand "Oh! Susannah," Stephen Foster's vintage 1848 gold miner's theme and infuses it with a shot of Rock'n'Roll energy. Instead of that beat-up old banjo on his knee, he strums a souped-up Stratocaster that roars along like a powerful sports car behind Ron Dante's understated but effective vocal.

"One Big Family"- We're one big family and our daddy's in the sky/We're one big family, don't you make your brother cry. Neil's visualization of the human family from a child’s vantage point was, and is, deeply profound. This may be the most powerful message song he ever wrote. The telecast version of "One Big Family" features an instrumental break that doesn't appear on the version released on The Archies' Sunshine album.

"Rowboat Ride"- A rousin’, rug-cuttin' sing-along with a down-home Country feel, here's a Neil Brian Goldberg song that will tempt you to do as his lyrics command and leave your troubles by the riverside!

"Somebody Likes You"- With its insidious habanera beat, this sweet and seemingly harmless slice of "Jewish Latin" music will stick in your head like a hatchet blade for days after you've heard it!

"Sweet Saturday Night" - Classic Archies! “Sweet Saturday Night” is an upbeat tribute to the weekend, and the night when people usually have the most fun. A strong 1950s influence is evident in the Rockabilly power chords that propel this record to its climax. Neil’s stellar production of this stellar song owes some of its style to early '60s Hot Rod music as well.

"The Ways I Love You"- A delectable mid-tempo ballad, obviously inspired by the famous 1845 sonnet "How Do I Love Thee?" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Even though Neil successfully passed it off as one, this is not a children’s song! This is the kind of love ballad a man sings to his wife, or a woman to her husband, after many years of married bliss. Hopefully, Jan Goldberg (Mrs. Neil Brian Goldberg, if you’re curious) will find herself being serenaded with "The Ways I Love You" at her next wedding anniversary celebration!

"The Big Boat" - Neil takes apart "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and reassembles it as a jumpin' little Gospel tune that preaches universal love and brotherhood. This feel-good number must surely have had millions of fired-up five-year-olds rowing imaginary oars to its wicked boogaloo rhythm!

"Candy Kisses" - The next time you're sitting on the back porch with your woman and strumming your guitar, try stirring her up with this deep blue ballad. See what happens! Ahem! After "it" happens, and the two of you are getting yourselves back together . . . mention that it's an old Archies song and enjoy seeing the incredulous expression on her face. It sounds more like a BB King or Bonnie Raitt number.

"Comes The Sun" - This is the greatest Beach Boys record the Beach Boys never recorded, and an example of California Rock at its finest. So what if it was written and recorded in New York City? The imitation Chuck Berry guitar riffs are blistering enough to give you sunburn, and Ron Dante rides the surging rhythm like a surfer riding a monster wave. Many people remember "Comes The Sun" as their favorite Archies song from the third TV season. It would’ve made a fabulous single!

"Dance!" - A driving number that captures the energy and exhilaration of Rock'n'Roll dancing which, as Neil notes in his song lyrics, is all the more fun when you're young and in love.

"Don't Run From Love" - As popular as Archies songs were, and as often as they encouraged falling in love and pairing off, there should’ve been an epidemic of "Sadie Hawkins Day" fever among preteen girls! Fortunately, most little girls chose to save their romantic antics for later years and settled for singing along to terrific tunes like “Don’t Run From Love.”

"Fallin' In Love Is Fun" - Kids who grew up to be fans of arena Rock groups like Aerosmith and Guns 'n' Roses had their appetite for electric guitars whetted by Archies tracks like this junior-sized bone-cruncher. A Heavy Metal band would have no trouble at all lighting fire under a crowd of headbangers with this song . . . it fairly begs to be bathed in white noise! As you'd expect, The Archies' version was toned down considerably, but it still rocked hard.

"Hey! Little One" - A devastatingly funky Bo Diddley-influenced rocker that gets in your face and under your skin. It doesn't let up until you're on your feet and moving to its hot rhumba rhythm. There's just no way to listen to this record and not suffer major damage! If the wicked guitar riffs and thundercrack handclappings don't get you, the fat-bottomed bass surely will, and those lethal Farfisa organ flourishes won't ever fail to work you over good 'n' proper.

"Honey" - Listen to the chorus of this super-commercial Country Rock number just once, and you absolutely will not be able to resist singing along with it. Neil Brian Goldberg's hooks are so addictive, they should be registered with the FDA!

"(I'm Just Your) Puppet On A String" - Bubblegum with an edge . . . sugar with a bite! Ron Dante growls provocative lyrics about manipulative love over a bluesy background. Like the protagonist in James and Bobby Purify's 1966 hit "I'm Your Puppet," he's a helpless plaything for his woman's amusement. This is a song for kids?!!!

"Young Love"- The softer side of Archie Andrews is displayed in this gentle ballad, which is almost as strong a showcase for Ron Dante's lush harmony singing as “Little By Little.” Skillfully wielding his musical paintbrush, Neil conjures up watercolor images of lovers spending carefree days on the beach or in the park.

NEIL BRIAN GOLDBERG

His work with The Archies ended almost as quickly as it had begun. That body of work has never garnered the acclaim it deserved; this essay was written for the purpose of righting that wrong. Neil Brian Goldberg is an amazingly gifted songwriter and visionary artist who, thirty-five years ago, proved himself a most worthy successor to Jeff Barry.

For the last twenty years or so, Archie Comics executives have been working to re-launch their characters as a singing group. They also have plans to stage an "Archie" musical on Broadway at some point. In a contemporary Pop music market that values image over substance, finding composers and producers the calibre of Barry, Ron Dante (who took over album production after the the third TV season) and Neil Brian Goldberg will be tough. Whatever happens in the future, you can be sure that the musical legacy of the original Archies group will only grow more remarkable with the passage of time.

All selections published by Kirshner Music/April Music/EMI Music Publishing(ASCAP)

23 February 2006

In the beginning, Rock'n'Roll was fun! It was fun to hear, fun to see, fun to dance and sing along to. It wasn't burdened by heavy socio-political baggage, so-called Punk Rock attitude and the pompous posturing of snobby music journalists. Nobody worried much about "manufactured" singers or lack of Rock'n'Roll "credibility." Practically anybody could become a Rock star back then, even a pretty ex-Mouseketeer with a modest voice and negligible musical ability! Sadly, those days are long gone, but the records cut during Rock's Golden Years (roughly 1955 to 1965) still sound as fun as ever. You'd be hard-pressed to find recorded output more fun-filled than that of Annette Funicello. Her connection to the Walt Disney Company meant that her brand of Rock'n'Roll could always be counted on to make you smile. Here's a look at six more highly collectible album releases from the woman we lovingly call the Queen Mother of Bubblegum Rock.

Hawaiiannette

released in 1960

Looking for a great album to play at your next backyard luau? Annette Funicello's best-selling third long-player, Hawaiianette, fits the bill. It's the second entry in her famous theme album series, the first having been Annette Sings Anka. Next up on deck would be the Neapolitan festival known as Italiannette. A few years down the road, several albums with a "beach party" concept would round out Annette's musical theme party. If you want to know where the festivities got their start, though, it was right here on the sun-bleached shores of America's 50th state. Arranger/producer Salvador "Tutti" Camarata crafts a lively musical backdrop for our Disneyland Diva that mixes traditional Hawaiian music with Jazz. As usual, Gloria Woods and her redoubtable Disneyland chorus bring up the rear, doing a fairly competent impersonation of Webley Edwards' "Hawaii Calls" singers.

The tracks on this album are a mix of original material with older songs. Some of these melodies are very old . . . "Now Is The Hour" debuted in 1913, and "Aloha Oe(Farewell To Thee)" was composed in the late 1800s. One of the tunes included, "Holiday In Hawaii," dates back to Annette's "Mickey Mouse Club" days; it was originally performed as an ensemble piece by the Mouseketeers. No less than six of the sides were released as singles. The title track was renamed "Hawaiian Love Talk" and culled for 45 RPM release, but surprisingly, only as a B-side. "Blue Muu Muu," a cute and spirited ditty about how guys always tend to stare at a girl in a pretty dress, was chosen as the A-side. It was maybe a little too cute for radio, though . . . the record only managed to crack Billboard's Bubbling Under the Hot 100 chart. You can see a picture of Annette modeling the muu muu in question on the back of the album cover . . . very nice indeed, but she looks better in a fishnet bikini!

Hawaiianette's original songs may not have qualified as authentic Hawaiian music, but they were close enough to satisfy the casual listener. Even more important, they were radio-friendly. The biggest hit from this LP was the delightful Hawaiian beat ballad "Pineapple Princess." Powered by frantic ukuleles, it rode a wave of popularity straight up to number 11 on the charts. "Luau Cha-Cha-Cha," the B-side, could only have increased the single's popularity with its effervescent Latin groove and playful tut-ti-ca-ma-ra-ti-ay, cha-cha-chá! chant. This number was destined to become an Annette fan favorite. "Date Night In Hawaii" completes the trio of thematic songs Bob and Dick Sherman composed for the album. Imposing surburban dating rituals on a tropical theme proved to be a clever idea; as Miss Ann and her island beau invite you to double-date with them and go surf riding along the Hawaiian shore, the musical tableau is very atmospheric and visual.

There are several traditional Hawaiian songs included, such as "The Hukilau Song" (featuring some of the goofiest background voices you've ever heard) and "My Little Grass Shack," released as A and B sides of the same single. The numbers with pronounced Jazz flavor contrast sharply with the traditional sounds, but not in a bad way. The swingin' arrangements showcased in "Song Of The Islands" and the aformentioned "Shack" provide a nice change-of-pace. Then it's back to Hawaiian music for a great remake of "Blue Hawaii," the 1937 tropical standard recently revived by Elvis Presley for his hit movie of the same title.

The haunting "Now Is The Hour," long associated with the Hawaiian islands, actually hails from New Zealand. First popularized by British singer Gracie Fields during the Second World War, it's this album's equivalent of "Lonely Guitar" on Annette's first long-player . . . a melancholy love ballad wrapped in a beautiful melody. The Baroness of Bouffant loved to sing this kind of tune, and here she gives it a studied yet winsome reading. Truth be told, Annette's vocals were always a little on the flat side; her voice sounds good here, though, especially when weighed against her singing on the "Mickey Mouse Club." Practice may not make perfect, but it does make better! In the final analysis, her untrained voice is fun to listen to, and the Hawaiian setting couldn't be more perfect for her. The collection ends appropriately with "Aloha Oe," and this beloved Hawaiian farewell song provides the perfect ending to one of Annette's greatest albums.

If you want just the right music to go with your summer pig roast, you can't beat Hawaiiannette's up tempo tunes, and the ballads make it the perfect record to take with you for those relaxing hours on a vacation cruise. As for visuals, what could be better than La Funicello sporting a grass skirt and cocoanut bra? Admit it . . . there's nobody you'd more you'd want to see dressed like that than Annette! Mainlander kanes and wahinis with discriminating tastes have known for years how essential this album is(they made it a Top Forty platter in October of 1960), but rest assured that it's hardly the only LP by the Disneyland Diva you need in your collection. To underscore that point, let's give a spin to one of those aforementioned beach-themed platters . . .

Dance Annette

released in 1961

On second thought, let’s not head down to the beach just yet. Stow your baggies in the back seat of your woody for the moment, and slip on your dance belt instead! Dance Annette was Buena Vista Records’ attempt to cash in on the dance craze mania that was sweeping America during the early ‘60s. With "American Bandstand" at the height of its popularity, there were new dances galore: The Watusi, the Pony, the Mashed Potatoes, the Madison, the Monkey, Walkin’ the Dog and the myriad varieties of the Twist, just to name a few. Annette’s dance music collection ignores all of them!

Far from reflecting the tastes of the current generation, its twelve selections are instead a throwback to the dancing styles of their parents . . . and grandparents! The only cut that’s in any way contemporary is "The Hucklebuck," and only because Chubby Checker had recently revived it. Even the new material written by Bob and Dick Sherman sounds dated. Obviously, producer Tutti Camarata wasn’t keyed into what was going on in youth culture circa 1961. There was almost nothing on Dance Annette that appealed to teenagers, and its release was met with unanimous indifference from them. Maybe that’s why copies of the LP are so hard to find today.

The theme song the Sherman brothers wrote for Dance Annette is the perfect dance floor teaser, provided your preferred dance step is the Jitterbug! It’s an uptempo sizzler whose lyrics cleverly incorporate other song titles found in the track lineup; Tutti brings his veteran jazzman's chops fully to bear on it. The rhythm section swings, and swings hard. Stepping lively in her bobby sox and saddle shoes, Miss Ann brings a deliciously sassy attitude to this number. When we hear her yell come along and dance with me! we're more than ready to oblige. Too often, though, the music just isn't up to par. While its cuteness quotient is high, Annette’s remake of Kay Starr’s 1955 chart-topper "Rock‘n’Roll Waltz" is one of those cuts that doesn’t make the grade. Tutti's attempt at giving the waltz an R & B flavor is clumsy at best, and the tempo is positively lethargic.

Ditto for the redux of "Two To Tango"(introduced by Pearl Bailey in 1952), although the habanera rhythm and castanet percussion do render it a tad more danceable than "Rock‘n’Roll Waltz." Latin rhythms provide some of Dance Annette’s better moments. The Disneyland Diva springs to life with a hot merengue beat behind her, and her vivacity lights fire under a better-than-average remake of "I Could Have Danced All Night”" This ballroom favorite hails from the Broadway musical My Fair Lady, and it's worth noting that the hit movie starring Audrey Hepburn hadn’t yet been filmed when Annette's version was recorded. Walt Disney Studios shot a Dance Annette promotional film in which La Funicello demonstrated all the dances from the album; what a treat it would’ve been to see her shapely hips swaying to this track, but the film was never released.

Anybody who thinks Annette’s best stab at Cuban dance music was "Luau Cha-Cha-Chá" should hear the way she rides the montunos of "Rock-A-Cha." She leads a band of denim-clad señoritas and caballeros on a merry romp that begins in the cabarets of South America and ends at your neighborhood malt shop. One of the longest musical pieces she ever recorded at over three minutes, the song is as funny as it is danceable; thank composers Bob and Dick Sherman for that. Annette promises you’ll be a Latin Lover/as soon as you discover the Rock-A-Cha. More important, you’ll avoid being labeled a Square-O! This is such an outstanding rhythm number, it almost doesn't matter when the conga player loses his way near the end of the instrumental break.

"¿Cómo Esta Usted?" is the Sherman brothers’ whimsical take on the old "Mexican Hat Dance." Annette excelled with any kind of Spanish-language material, and her swingin’ version of "La Raspa" (the song’s original Mexican title) reportedly won her some radio airplay south of the border. "Rock-A-Charleston" is second best of the Sherman songs written for Dance Annette, sporting a bouncy and infectious tempo that’s ideal for Annette’s perky vocal style. Shake a hip to the Flapper Flip, she urges, and it's hard not to! It’s also not hard to imagine Miss Ann as a 1920s flapper . . . but how could she ever have managed to fit her Jiffy Pop hair under those tiny cloche hats?

Another track that successfully rocks the house is Tutti’s percolating arrangement of the aforementioned "Hucklebuck." While it does borrow something from Chubby Checker’s hit remake, its main inspiration is the swingin’ sounds of hot 1940s dance bands like those of Count Basie, Artie Shaw and Benny Goodman. If you’ve never been converted to Big Band Swing music, this number might turn you into a true believer! The Baroness of Bouffant’s incomparable cheerleader mania steps up the energy level just as high as it will go.

The mere mention of "The Hokey Pokey" calls up candy-colored memories of dancing in kindergarten to scratchy records that your teacher played on a portable record machine. No self-respecting teenager in 1962 would’ve been caught dead dancing it! Put your whole self in/Put your whole self out/Put your whole self in/And you shake it all about? Embarrassing. "Hokey Pokey" is so not the kind of step you’d ever want to do at your next high school mixer! You’ve gotta admit, though, it was a natural for Annette Funicello to include on a dance music collection. Her cheerful reading of this supremely silly song radiates sunshine, and Tutti's big band charts generate some heat, too. A bit of brisk handclapping is all Annette's waxing would need to be definitive.

A year after he scored with "The Hucklebuck," Chubby Checker remade "Ballin' The Jack." He couldn't pass off this vintage 1913 tune as Rock'n'Roll, and Miss Ann can't, either. Her version isn't great, but at least it does swing. "The Glide," a bogus 1940s dance step invented by the Shermans, doesn't swing. Nor does it sway, shuffle or sizzle. Except for a series of drum rolls midway through, it just basically lays there while you wait in vain for it to become danceable. This is the worst selection on the album, a complete waste of time for Annette and Tutti to have bothered with. Instead, they should’ve cut another great novelty number like . . . "Rock-A-Polka!"

Ever been infected with polka fever? The Disneyland Diva is ready and willing to do the honors for you. Pumping away at her accordion, she draws you out on the dance floor with nothing more than sheer enthusiasm: We really raise a rumpus on the campus all right/When we dance the Rock-A-Polka Saturday night! "Rock-A-Polka" is the ideal song to play right after getting yourself good and smashed on a keg of beer. This bitchin' little ditty with a relentless oom-pah beat would’ve enlivened many a college frat party had it ever caught on with Greek organizations. The tune certainly caught on with Annette’s fans, some of whom sought out copies of Dance Annette just for this one cut! Without a doubt, it's one of the best things ever to come from the pens of Bob and Dick Sherman.

Packaged in a stunning sky blue sleeve that features a beautiful action shot of La Funicello, Dance Annette obviously has its strong points. Collectors have known that for quite some time. However, people who bought the LP in 1961 must've wondered if Annette's music still had anything to offer contemporary record buyers; she seemed to be stuck in the past. With the British Invasion on the musical horizon, surf music coming on strong, and Rock'n'Roll Girl Groups storming the charts, recycled Swing Era sounds just weren't gonna cut it anymore! The Disneyland Diva desperately needed to reinvent herself. Within the next year, Buena Vista executives would find out whether or not their flagship artist was still viable in the marketplace.

Annette's Beach Party

released in 1963

This was the album that jump-started Annette's dormant recording career in a big way. The popularity of her Beach Party movie with Frankie Avalon propelled this Buena Vista long-player to #39 on the Billboard album charts. Had Disneyland Records requested certification from the Recording Industry Association of America(hard to believe, but many labels didn't in the '60s), it probably would've garnered a Gold Record award. With the exception of four previously-released tracks, the entire LP was recorded at Sunset Sound Recorders, the Burbank, California studio that Tutti Camarata owned and operated. Although Tutti had been recording her on multi-tracks since at least 1960, this was the first Annette Funicello album to be released in stereo. Annette's Beach Party represented an all-new sound for the Disneyland Diva in more ways than one.

The stale odor of 1940s pop was all but gone. Her new material was fused with a fresh and vibrant Surf music sensibility. Small wonder, since Gary Usher and Roger Christian provided most of the tunes heard in Beach Party. For contractual reasons, American-International Pictures couldn't release a legitimate soundtrack LP, so Annette cut her own pseudo-soundtrack featuring mostly new recordings of songs from the film. (Frankie Avalon did the same thing.) Some of the selections were actually sung by other people on screen, but that didn't stop Tutti Camarata from laying her vocals over near-identical tracks. There wasn't enough material to fill an entire album, so Side One of Annette's Beach Party more or less features movie music, while Side Two more or less doesn't. Both sides are good, but the "movie" side is the one people paid the most attention to.

Kicking off fast with a frantic mix of tumbling drum rolls and chattering guitar licks, Usher and Christian's "Beach Party" is the centerpiece of the set. In the film, Miss Ann performed it as a duet with Frankie, but her solo version is so exciting, you hardly miss him. A Rap singer couldn't have handled the song’s mile-a-minute tempo any better. She also does herself proud on "Swingin' And Surfin'" and "Secret Surfin' Spot," pontificating about gremmies and ho-dads as if surfer lingo was her native tongue. Her finest performance is reserved for Bob Marcucci and Russ Faith's "Don't Stop Now!" This number gave Frankie Avalon a star turn in the film, but The Baroness of Bouffant takes it to a higher level. Seizing the song by the scruff of the neck in a most unladylike manner, she sinks her teeth deep into the libido-drenched lyric: Oh, baby, when you dance you so wild/You make me feel like a motherless child!/Keep-a-doin' what you're doin, don't stop now. So long, mouse ears, hello, No-Tell Motel! Her Rock'n'Roll instincts are right on target, leaving no doubt whatsoever that she and the surfin' sound are a match made in Heaven.

Establishing a tradition that would extend through all of her American-International films, Annette got a couple of musical solos in Beach Party which she used to showcase a pair of lush ballads. Most of these Guy Hemric/Jerry Styner-penned ditties were less memorable than her up tempo material, but "Promise Me Anything" was the exception to the rule. La Funicello meets the bossa nova, that bewitching new rhythm from Brazil, and the results are absolutely delectable. She employs two different contralto voices (one high and one low) in call-and-response fashion, and Tutti Camarata inserts them over, under and inside the Brazilian beat. Listening to the record, you can't help but sway your hips just like that sexy Girl from Ipanema. Irresistible!

"Treat Him Nicely" is a much more conventional Rock ballad, but Tutti's gossamer string arrangement fluttering down on Annette's natural, relaxed vocal makes it glisten like a bath bubble. This lost love plea definitely qualified as soap opera, and Buena Vista executives evidently thought teenage girls would buy it. They pressed "Treat Him Nicely" onto the A-side of a single, but what chance did it have of getting national airplay once deejays discovered "Promise Me Anything" on the flipside? It's a good thing they did, too, because that terrific track became her last charting single in October of 1963. However, a #123 placing on Billboard's Bubbling Under chart was far less than this wonderful waxing deserved.

Side Two opens with a cover of The Rivieras' Top Ten smash "California Sun," and it's a rowdy little bugger! Feet stomping all over the place, a sullen bass, a phalanx of tipsy-sounding guitars and saxophones, and hand clappers who couldn't keep time if their lives depended on it. And there's something resembling a cha-cha beat underneath it all. It shouldn't work, but it does; Annette out front imitating Lily Tomlin's Stone Soul Cheerleader is the reason why! What a fabulous sound, and what a great music video this number would have made! If Buena Vista had decided to pull a second single off of Annette's Beach Party, "California Sun" would've been the strongest candidate.

The next track is a spoken-word recording that's surrounded in mystery. Since none of Annette's regular songwriters composed it (credits go to session musicians Ray Crawford and Ronnie Zito) it's probably a cover, but an original version has yet to surface. "Battle Of San Onofre" is the story of surfers and skin divers who put aside their traditional enmity to save a drowning man's life; Miss Ann performs it as a dramatic reading with emotion so earnest, she makes the story compelling. La Funicello definitely had reason to be proud of the acting chops she developed as a Walt Disney contract player.

At this point, the scene shifts from California in 1963 to Hawaii three years earlier! Most likely, the album's budget ran out, so in order to fill up the rest of Side Two, Tutti Camarata dusted off a quartet of old Hawaiiannette tracks and mixed them to stereo. Well, there must've been a little bit of money left, because he had Annette overdub some new vocal parts to make "Pineapple Princess," and "Luau Cha-Cha-Chá" (retitled "Surfin' Luau") fit the beach party theme. There's nothing Tutti could do with "Date Night In Hawaii" and "Song Of The Islands," though . . . they sound hopelessly retro. He couldn’t have found music less conducive to Watusi-dancing if he’d tried. Just a few bars of these moldy oldies would be enough to send all the kanes and wahinis running for their surfboards!

Hawaiian retreads notwithstanding, Annette's Beach Party is an excellent album that deserved the positive reception it got from the public, Because of this music, and the kooky B-movie that spawned it, we remember Annette Funicello as something more than a sweet Mouseketeer with big, shapely bulges underneath her top. Instead, we remember her as a sexy-but-virginal Rock'n'Roll beach bunny with humongous hair and even bigger, even shaplier bulges underneath her top! Somehow, it always ends up being about the ta-ta's!

Muscle Beach Party

released in 1964

Muscle Beach Party (again, not a soundtrack recording but a studio album including songs taken from the movie) boasts the most famous of all Annette Funicello album sleeves. Decked out in a floral print, one-piece bathing suit, her hair flipped dangerously to the side, the Disneyland Diva flashes a Pepsodent smile as she perches regally on the massive shoulders of two Speedo-clad bodybuilders. Eat your heart out, Frankie! In keeping with this machismo-laden cover photo, the music found in Annette's first studio album of 1964 features her most aggressive vocals ever. The Surf and Hot Rod numbers she tackles here allow Miss Ann the opportunity to play the bold and brazen "bad girl" she never really got to play on screen. While not exactly a feminist statement, Muscle Beach Party is groundbreaking for the unladylike attitudes unintentionally conveyed by its songs(particularly those co-written by Gary Usher, Roger Christian and Brian Wilson). This is as close to being a "Femi-Nazi" as Annette ever got!

In the American-International film, "Muscle Beach Party" is performed by Dick Dale and His Del-Tones, so obviously the lyrics were intended for a man. To his eternal credit, Tutti Camarata decided not to change them when he recorded Annette's version. To hear her sing with unrestrained gusto about flexing muscles "for kicks," hustling "the chicks" and popping vitamin pills is a delightfully subversive experience! One must say, though, that the wan cooing of Gloria Woods and the Disneyland chorus does have the unfortunate effect of blunting the edge.

"Muscle Beach Party" came out as a Buena Vista single with "I Dream About Frankie" on the flipside. With a goose-stepping rhythm almost (but not quite) suitable for dancing The Jerk, "Frankie" wasn't featured in Muscle Beach Party, but it may well have been written for the movie. The tune would've fit easily into any one of Miss Ann's co-starring vehicles with Frankie Avalon, because American-International staff songwriters Hemric and Styner wrote it in tribute to their on-screen relationship. For better or worse, Frankie and Annette's fans immediately accepted the sentiments it expressed as gospel truth(after every date/he makes me feel so great/I toss and turn all night)! Never mind that La Funicello has repeatedly made clear their friendship was never as libidinous as these lyrics suggest . . . but who needs facts when mythology is more interesting?

"Muscle Bustle" was performed in the movie by Donna Loren and Dick Dale; Loren also recorded a solo version for Challenge Records. The lyrics of this song call to mind a hilarious bodybuilding competition set to music, with rhythmically-challenged muscle hunks clumsily jostling, bumping and stumbling into each other! With narcissistic steps like "flexin' up your biceps," "stickin' out your chest," and "strikin' up a pose," this bogus dance craze carries an unmistakable homoerotic sensibility. It's got the same inherent appeal to Gay men that Madonna's million-selling "Vogue" would have thirty years later.

"Surfer's Holiday," an on-screen duet between Frankie and Annette, is turned into a Funicello solo vehicle here. The drum track sounds suspiciously like rubber mallets beating on a tin bucket(stranger things were attempted in the early days of Rock'n'Roll), but that takes nothing away from its combination Surf/Hot Rod groove. Miss Ann handles the dipping, sliding voice modulations this number requires like a pro. Her strongest vocal perfomance on this LP is arguably "A Girl Needs A Boy." Certainly, we've never heard Annette sing so tenderly before. Fans over the years have proclaimed this one of the finest ballads she ever waxed; outside of her vocal, though, there's nothing really distinguished about it. "A Girl Needs A Boy" is merely a string-swathed slice of orchestra Pop of the type all White girl vocalists were expected to sing in the late '50s and early '60s. In the immediate post-Beatles era, this song couldn't help but sound dated. It surely stuck out like a sore thumb in a film like Muscle Beach Party, which was otherwise filled with Dick Dale's sizzling guitar riffs, Stevie Wonder's soulful harmonica playing, and Candy Johnson's maniacal go-go dance routines.

"Merlin Jones" was inspired not by Muscle Beach Party, but by the Walt Disney comedy flick The Misadventures of Merlin Jones. It co-starred Annette with Tommy Kirk, a veteran from her days in the Mickey Mouse Club. Miss Ann's Valley Girl vocal is ideally suited to this jokey Bob and Dick Sherman tune, adorned with cartoonish fuzz guitar. The Wellingtons, fresh from a recent guest gig on Disneyland Records' State and College Songs album(which Annette narrated), contribute some peppy vocal counterpoint that fairly reeks of Brillcream and Old Spice cologne. Can you say "squaresville?"

Let's split that suburban scene and meet La Funicello on the silver sands of "Waikiki," a hipper, harder-rocking example of the kind of material she cut for her Hawaiiannette LP; but where those earlier songs encouraged teenage girls to demurely linger within your date's arms under the shade of Hawaiian palm trees, "Waikiki" offers young women a tourist lure with much more explicit sex appeal. You'll get a golden tan, Annette promises, and hastens to add: You'll get a muscle man! Who knew that the little girl who sang "Tall Paul" would grow up to be a Gold's Gym groupie?

In addition to songs associated with movies, this collection features a quartet of Hot Rod tunes penned by noted West Coast songwriter Gary Usher. He also arranged these four sides, and brought along surf music's most famous girl group, The Honeys, to sing background vocals. These songs rank among the most authentic Rock'n'Roll Annette ever recorded, and three of them deserve to rank with the all-time greats of Hot Rod Rock. First among these is the fabulous "Draggin' USA." Just try to keep from doing the Watusi when this number's on your turntable! The rhythm guitarists make their axes rev and roar like cherry little Corvette motors. Meanwhile, Annette and The Honeys huddle down in the pit, hyperventilating in praise of the drag racin' dude who's won their hearts. He's got the fastest time! He's first off the line! He's got greasy hands and dirty fingernails! What more could any girl want?

Also great are "Custom City" and "Shut Down Again," both of which hold forth with gyrating, go-go dancer-friendly drum patterns, gritty saxophone riffs and lots of those aforementioned driving guitars. Hot rodding brings out a cocky side of Annette that we've never heard before; challenged to a drag duel, she "trash talks" her (male) rival to the point of distraction: Your car's okay, it's just your drivin'! she taunts. Buddy, gonna have to shut you down again. Miss Ann sure ain't jivin' when she bears down on these catchy hell-on-wheels numbers!

Unfortunately, "Rebel Rider" sounds lethargic in comparison to these gems, and lyrically, it derives too much from The Crystals' 1962 chart-topper "He's A Rebel." Still, Gary Usher successfully updates the old good-girl-loves-bad-boy theme by branding it with a Nascar logo. Somehow, Buena Vista Records thought it was good enough for single release, but even with "Custom City" on the topside, "Rebel Rider" was a poor choice. Failing to pitch "Draggin' USA" to AM radio was one of the label's biggest mistakes. La Funicello's venture here into drag racing territory anticipated by two years Fireball 500 and Thunder Alley, the hot rod movies she would later star in for American-International Pictures . . . and of which, the lesser said, the better.

After a night filled with the din of roaring engines and the stench of exhaust fumes, Annette invites you to breakfast, tempting your taste buds with . . ."The Scrambled Egghead!" No, it's not Emeril Lagasse's latest culinary triumph, it's a spoken-word piece Miss Ann performs with Tommy Kirk. Although it sounds like dialogue pulled directly from a movie soundtrack, it wasn't; released on 45 along with "Merlin Jones," this extended exercise in campy comedy served no purpose other than promotion. With Tutti conducting a jazzy instrumental waltz in the background, one is tempted to call "Egghead" lounge music; but Tommy's mad scientist posturing and Annette's remarks about needing an instant stand-up hairdo tend to bring on guffaws, and that's something that would never happen while listening to a Burt Bacharach record. A delightfully twisted way to close an above-average album.

By the way, one of the hulking bodybuilders who hoisted the Baroness of Bouffant skyward during her Muscle Beach Party album photo shoot was named Peter Lupus. He went on to become famous as one of the original castmembers of "Mission Impossible." That classic '60s television drama inspired a series of blockbuster movies three decades later. Your mission now . . . if you choose to accept it . . . is to play "Six Degrees of Separation" between Mickey Mouse and Tom Cruise!

Annette Sings Golden Surfin' Hits

released in 1965

The Disneyland Diva consolidates her status as Queen of the Beach with her final album of (mostly) new material. But for a handful of songs, this LP could've been titled Annette Sings Brian Wilson;seven of its twelve selections were written by the legendary writer/producer. However unlikely the concept may have seemed to some people, Golden Surfin' Hits is unquestionably one of Annette's best albums. She puts her distinctive stamp on a picnic basket full of sand-blasted Surf standards, and displays a confidence that belies her relative inexperience as a singer. No matter whether the song was originally cut by The Beach Boys or Jan and Dean, it invariably fits her as snugly as one of her famous one-piece bathing suits. Without exception, La Funicello kicks ass on every cut, and any shortcomings you hear are not her fault.

"Surfin'," the first hit for The Beach Boys, is one of the best tracks on the LP. Always a great little surf rocker, it loses none of its power in Annette's hands. Her vocals are strong nearly all the way through; they do drop out in a couple of places, but that's probably due to a flaw in the mix. Miss Ann's version of Jan and Dean's "Surf City" features lyrics that were revised to be "gender-correct." As much fun as it would've been to hear her sing this song from the male point of view, the change does no major damage to her rendition. What does do damage is the weak background vocals. This is yet another instance where Gloria Woods should've instructed the Disneyland Chorus to put a little more enthusiasm into their singing!

Another gender switch occurs when Annette takes on The Beach Boys' most famous love song, "Surfer Girl." This time, the lyric change is more understandable. Given that she was on the verge of marrying Jack Gilardi, she might have raised a conservative eyebrow or two singing lines like do you love me, do you, surfer girl? Oh, the fantasies that come to mind! Some of La Funicello's fans believe she was always at her best with ballads, and "Surfer Boy" certainly seems to justify that argument. She imbues the song with as much soul as an Italian girl from Utica, New York could possibly muster. As great as her solo performance is, it would've been even greater with the Wilson Brothers' harmonies backing her up. "Surfin' Safari" brings out Annette's surly side, as she stretches her contralto to duplicate Mike Love's hipster chanting on the original record. Hearing a girl do this type of song is incredibly cool, but when the girl in question is our Baroness of Bouffant, the coolness factor jumps by at least ten degrees!

For some reason, two of the tracks on Golden Surfin' Hits are Tutti Camarata instrumentals. Maybe they were included to increase the album's surf music credibility; still, when one buys an Annette LP, one expects Annette vocals on all tracks! Consumers in 1965 were probably just as disappointed as today's listeners by these unnecessary diversions. That said, Tutti does a nice job applying the Walt Disney touch to Joe Saraceno's "Surfer's Stomp" and "Balboa Blue," both originally recorded by The Marketts. (Saraceno himself may have been on hand to help with the arrangements.)

A few numbers that have nothing to do with surfing appear on the album. "Boy To Love" was the flipside of the Disneyland Diva's latest single, and is coveted by collectors for its subtle Wall of Sound production style. Written especially for her by Michael Zachary Gordon, this tune may be the closest she ever came to waxing a classic Girl Group platter. It could easily have been a Ronettes or Chiffons single.

While it's debatable how Brian Wilson would've felt if The Chiffons had cut "Surfin' USA," he surely must've loved Annette's version. It takes off like a rocket and never loses steam! Miss Ann is totally in command of this Surf music anthem; her enthusiastic reading actually gives The Beach Boys' hit rendition a run for its money. With its cheeky bust your buns refrain, Jan and Dean's "Sidewalk Surfin'" is the naughtiest number Annette waxed until she recorded her Country Album two decades later. (In 1965, publicly referring to someone's tookus as "buns" was fairly naughty.) She sounds so happy and carefree as she sings it, images of her zooming along on a skateboard can't help but spring to mind. Just watch that next curve, honey . . . we don't want to see your lovely buns get busted!

"Ride The Wild Surf" concludes the Surf music portion of this set. Tutti Camarata gives this movie theme song a big orchestral treatment, dramatic enough to be worthy of the actual soundtrack recording. Annette gives it her all, too, singing out with great flair and passion. It's a bet she won't ever be nominated to the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame, but powerful tracks like this one make a case that she at least deserves consideration. As strong as her Surf music covers are, the Disneyland Diva's recycled duet with The Beach Boys, "The Monkey's Uncle," was undoubtedly everyone's favorite track on Golden Surfin' Hits. It had already appeared on Annette at Bikini Beach, but since this new collection practically owed its existence to Brian Wilson and his brothers, the record's inclusion here makes perfect sense. Bob and Dick Sherman wrote such a boss little novelty rocker for Miss Ann to sing with the Wilsons, Buena Vista Records probably could've included it on all of her albums without raising much complaint from her fans.

The album closer (although it doesn't actually close the album) is one of La Funicello's strongest singles, the rambunctious "No One Could Be Prouder." Annette slips into her cheerleader's uniform to lead this raucous tribute to teenage love, and before very long, she's got that silver baton twirling faster than a chopper blade! It's an injustice that the single never charted, and a shame this Joe Saraceno song isn't better known. It's got built-in appeal to the Christopher Street crowd; lyrics like He's my guy, no one could be prouder/And if you can't hear me, I'll yell a little louder certainly lend themselves to the kinds of anthems heard at Gay Pride parades! What do you bet that at least one homosexual teenager sneaked off somewhere private with his portable record-player so he could yelp along to "No One Could Be Prouder" at the top of his lungs?!! True, more than one teenage girl probably did the same thing . . . but with less need for privacy!

Golden Surfin' Hits had a little something for boys and girls of every persuasion. There was Bubblegum Rock, Surf music, balladry and Girl Group sounds all wrapped up in one delightful package. Even though it didn't sell in large quantities, this may well have been the most commercial Annette Funicello album of all.

The Annette Funicello Country Album

released in 1984

In the fall of 1981, the first new Annette recording in fifteen years hit the market. Much to the delight of fans of her beach party movies and records, "Together We Can Make A Make A Merry Christmas" was a duet with Frankie Avalon, her longtime friend and American-International Pictures co-star. Although it failed to make the national charts, the single was very well-received. Ultimately, Pacific Arts Records marketed it as both a regular 7-inch edit and an extended 12-inch Disco mix. However, a hoped-for Christmas album by Frankie and Annette didn't materialize.

Two years later, though, rumors circulated that the Disneyland Diva was recording again. Annette confirmed the rumors, announcing that she had just waxed an album in Nashville that celebrated her lifelong love of Country music. Late in 1983, a new single appeared on Coy Fowler's Bakersfield, California-based Starview label. A spoken-word recording with instrumental backing, "Promised Land" told the story of Annette's journey as a child to Hollywood and her subsequent discovery by Walt Disney.

Early the following year, the eagerly anticipated album was released. First available as a limited-edition collector's item only, The Annette Funicello Country Album was first sold via mailoder through Annette's fan club, various music collector's publications and a toll-free number advertised on cable TV. Later, Starview Records gave it a general release. Unfortunately, the small, independent label couldn't secure a good distribution deal. Today, copies of the LP are extremely hard to find and sell for $100 or more at auction.

Tutti Camarata was still active, though no longer working for Disney Studios; he was the logical choice to produce Annette's new record. However(and some might say, unfortunately), his services were not engaged. While Annette certainly wasn't hostile to the idea of working with Tutti again, much had changed in her life by this time. She was now the mother of three teenagers. She'd gotten divorced, and in the interim had begun making her own decisions for the first time in her life. She found that she wasn't afraid of responsibility . . . in fact, she liked it!

The former beach bunny was now a businesswoman, selling collectible teddy bears and marketing her own frozen food line. Being in charge suited her just fine. So after making the decision to cut a new album, she formed a production company with her husband-to-be, Glen Holt, and undertook to produce the sessions herself. Glanco Productions (a combination of the names Glen + Ann) hired guitarist Phil Baugh to co-produce, and it was he who ended up receiving the lion's share of label credit.

When she traveled to Nashville's Hot Licks Studios to cut the twelve tracks that would make up her Country Album, Annette had not recorded an LP in nearly twenty years. Her chops were extremely rusty, and fans were shocked to hear her weak, half-spoken/half-sung and frequently off-key vocal tracks. A return to Tutti Camarata's circa 1959 "Annette Sound," with generous helpings of multi-tracking and reverb would have improved the way she sounded.

For this project, though, La Funicello deliberately chose to go "naked." She wanted to sound intimate and honest. Rough, unpolished vocals are certainly nothing new in Country music; besides, it wasn't as if she were trying to compete with Reba McIntire! She assumed her fans knew what to expect. To draw attention away from her voice deficiencies, she had some of Nashville's best on hand to help her out, including pianist Hargus "Pig" Robbins, rhythm guitarist Pete Wade, steel guitarist Buddy Emmons, and ace fiddler Buddy Spicher. One thing did remain the same from the old days: the mix of songs. Just as had been the case with her Buena Vista LPs, Annette's Country Album placed hits popularized by other singers side by side with new material written especially for her.

"It'll Be Me" had been a Top Forty Country single the previous year for Tom Jones. "The Race Is On" fell two notches shy of topping the 1964 Country charts in a rendition by George Jones. "Paper Roses," introduced by Anita Bryant in 1960, had given Marie Osmond her first Country chart-topper back in '73. "Sweet, Sweet Smile" had facilitated The Carpenters only invasion of Country radio airwaves in 1978. None of Annette's versions of these songs hold a candle to the originals; on some of them, she sounds tired and uninspired. Only on "Sweet, Sweet Smile" are we treated to a flash of the bubbly ex-Mouseketeer of old.

Yet, voice shortcomings aside, three of her remakes are definitely worth hearing. Red Simpson's "Lucky Old Colorado" requires Annette to play the role of a lonely woman pining over lost love. She rises to the task, laying down a hushed, melancholy vocal that's totally convincing. Her treatment of Freddy Fender's 1975 smash "Before The Next Teardrop Falls" is both tender and sexy. The weariness in her voice actually works to the song's advantage, making her sound worldly and sophisticated. She faithfully (and competently) reproduces Fender's switch to Spanish lyrics in midsong.

Then, the Disneyland Diva redeems herself with an excellent version of "Orange Blossom Special," a bluegrass tune recorded by many Country artists, but most often associated with Flatt and Scruggs. Actually, she only sings a couple of verses, but after a false ending, she comes back "on mike" and makes like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader: I wanna hear this Orange Blossom Special really roll! Let's go!With Buddy Spicher fiddlin' out in front, and harmonica player Terry McMillan hangin' off the caboose, Annette's band kicks this classic train song into overdrive. You'd swear you're hearing a real locomotive engine steaming down the rails! This is unabashed, down-home Country music . . . Grand Ole Opry-calibre pickin' at breakneck speed. As it scoots along, you can almost see the Carolina Cloggers quicksteppin' to the beat in your mind's eye. This one cut is so much fun to hear, it justifies the existence of the whole album.

What also justifies this project is the mature sexuality Annette displays on her new songs. During her '60s heyday, her tacit on-screen warning to Frankie Avalon was always "not without a wedding ring, you don't!" The Baroness of Bouffant's reputation as a virgin was even more high-profile than her hair! Yet in her 1989 autobiography, A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes, she'd reveal that (gasp!) she actually enjoyed having sex!

Anybody who owned this album was already privy to that shocking bit of information. Just listen to a number like "Old Good Times," where she croons lustily about layin' back on the bed/kissin' your lips and spinnin' my head. Oh, my! Get a load of the lyrics to "Fires Of Love," where Annette finds herself engulfed in an inferno of desire, mouse ears and all. Every time you touch me, the flames rise, she announces, and sounds pretty damn excited about the situation. And how could she be a prude when, with bated breath, she declares that "(What You Need Is) A Real Woman's Love?"

Dig this sinful scenario: A sultry Miss Ann drops her robe and stands revealed in skimpy Frederick's of Hollywood attire! Then she beckons you closer. As you peruse her physical charms, she assures you that we can fly like the eagles fly, and promises that when she's finished with you, sweetcakes, you won't even know if it's night or day! Think of the hundreds of pubescent boys who fantasized about Annette in the '60s and dreamed that she'd whisper those very words in their ears! No doubt about it . . . America's most famous abstinence advocate was a virgin no more. By 1984, Annette Joanne Funicello had definitely embraced the pleasures of the flesh! Musically, it's as if she were saying, "Now that the ring is on my finger, I can let my hair down and get my freeek on whenever I feel like it . . . so how do you like me now, Uncle Walt?"

Annette may have used this album to introduce her public to the sensual woman she'd become, but she wasn't so far removed from her Mouseketeer past that she couldn't also remind them of the innocent girl she once was. "Promised Land," co-written by Annette and Glen Holt, isn't as much a song as it's a preview of her forthcoming autobiography. With a Gospel chorus backing her up, she spins a nostalgic tale guaranteed to leave her fans misty-eyed: From Sin City in the East (that's Utica, New York, y'all) to the City of the Angels (Hollywood, natch)/Daddy brought us to the Promised Land. Annette performs her narrative with so much sincerity, it doesn't matter that the sentiment is maudlin and corny; in fact, if it weren't corny, it probably wouldn't work as well on record.

Also autobiographical is "Inbetween And Out Of Love," a ballad which candidly recounts the Disneyland Diva's struggle to cope with life as a divorcée. In another nod to the old days, this number was co-written by Guy Hemric, one of Miss Ann's primary sources of original Surf music. Featuring a better-than-average vocal effort, "Inbetween" was immediately tagged as a candidate for 45 RPM release; it wound up gracing the flipside of the "Promised Land" single.

Thus, a new prize was added to the already highly collectible Annette Funicello discography. During the late 1980s, there was still talk of a Frankie and Annette Christmas LP, but of course, it wasn't destined to happen. Some people just couldn't accept the possibility that their Candy Girl would never wax another LP. Hearing The Annette Funicello Country Album in retrospect, though, there's a certain finality about it that seems painfully obvious now.

CANTINA VISITORS

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IN THE RECORDING STUDIO WITH RON DANTE AND THE ARCHIES: THE COMPLETE SESSIONS

JEFF BARRY and ELLIE GREENWICH ROCK!

AT LAST! After years of bootlegs, promotional releases and private collections, Ace Records of England has issued the first, official, commercially available songbook collection by JEFF BARRY and ELLIE GREENWICH, the legendary BRILL BUILDING writing and production team. Annotated and compiled by renowned Girl Group aficionado Mick Patrick, DO WAH DIDDY is, as you'd expect, mainly a showcase for femme acts like LESLEY GORE, THE SHANGRI-LAS, THE CHIFFONS, THE EXCITERS, THE BUTTERFLYS, THE JELLYBEANS and THE AD-LIBS, all whom scored chart records with Jeff and Ellie's tunes. However, Mick also treats you to choice tracks by THE DRIFTERS, THE BEACH BOYS, THE TOKENS, THE MAJORS, ANDY KIM, BOBBY SHEEN (aka Bob B. Soxx of Phil Spector pedigree) and SAM HAWKINS, whose sizzling rendition of Jeff and Ellie's 1965 Soul smash "Hold On, Baby" is included here. While DO WAH DIDDY isn't by any stretch of the imagination a definitive hits collection (essentials like "Be My Baby", "Chapel Of Love", "Then He Kissed Me" and "Leader Of The Pack" are missing), and there's a questionable inclusion or two ("River-Deep, Mountain-High" by NILSSON? Tracks by THE FLEETWOODS and VIC DONNA that Jeff wrote alone?), there are several fine rarities programmed that you'll be hard-pressed to locate elsewhere. Besides, it's classic 1960s Pop/Rock produced by the likes of BERT BERNS, JERRY RAGOVOY, QUINCY JONES and JEFF BARRY, so how could you POSSIBLY resist this collection? Buy it now at www.cduniverse.com!!! FELICITACIONES to Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich for a well-deserved and long-overdue tribute.

DUSTY IN NEW YORK

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD! Read the complete story of DUSTY SPRINGFIELD'S unreleased 1971 album FAITHFUL, featuring the songs "I BELIEVE IN YOU"; "I'LL BE FAITHFUL"; "ALL THE KING'S HORSES"; "SOMEONE WHO CARES"; "MAKE IT WITH YOU"; "LOVE SHINE DOWN ON ME"; "HAUNTED"; "NATCHEZ TRACE"; "LIVE HERE WITH YOU"; "HAVE A GOOD LIFE, BABY"; "YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND" and "I HAVE FOUND MY WAY THROUGH THE DARKNESS" . . . ONLY at the POP CULTURE CANTINA!

VINTAGE LATIN POP FROM THE VAULTS OF METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER

This is a SABROSITO collection of music from some of M-G-M Studios' most popular Latin-themed musicals. You'll hear the delightful CARMEN MIRANDA sing her hit "Cuanto Le Gusta." You'll hear the redoubtable XAVIER CUGAT and His Orchestra perform the "Walter Winchell Rhumba." You'll hear organist extraordinaire ETHEL SMITH set her keyboard on fire playing "Tico Tico". Also included are lively versions of Latin standards like "La Bamba", "El Cumbanchero", "Granada", "Viva México" and "Babalú", sung by talented CANCIONEROS like LINA ROMAY and CARLOS RAMÍREZ. None of these recordings date later than 1949, but thanks to soundtrack recording techniques in use during the '40s, twelve of the selections on this eighteen-track CD appear in glorious STEREOPHONIC sound.

QUEEN OF THE CABARETERAS

She was neither the greatest singer nor the greatest dancer, and there were sexier women competing with her at the box office . . . but NINÓN SEVILLA was the most exciting actress ever to star in a Mexican CABARETERA film. With her insolent UP-TURNED NOSE, FLASHING eyes, SAUCY SMILE, flowing STRAWBERRY BLONDE hair and teasing way of UNDULATING across the dance floor in CARMEN MIRANDA-inspired costumes, she caused a SENSATION all over LATIN AMERICA in the 1950s. In her breakout film, 1949's AVENTURERA, the Cuban-born vixen managed to upstage film noir diva ANDREA PALMA. From that launching point, NINÓN went on to star in an unforgettable series of provocative dramas, with PEDRO ARMENDARIZ, RAMÓN GAY and the celebrated Mexican composer AGUSTÍN LARA among the leading men she MESMERIZED. Her finest flicks include COQUETA, SENSUALIDAD, PERDIDA, VICTIMAS DEL PECADO, YAMBAO and the bosom-baring blockbuster of 1954, MULATA. In her later years, LA SEVILLA made many appearances on Spanish-language television.

WE LOVE CARLOS SANTANA: OUR MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO

Between Cantina shows, we pipe classic LATIN ROCK into the big room. SANTANA's "Evil Ways" is always a crowd-pleaser. The best compilation of this music we've ever heard is Zyanya/Rhino Records' RAZA ROCK from 1998. It features FIRME tracks by AZTECA, MALO, WAR, EL CHICANO, TOWER of POWER, LOS LOBOS, CRUZADOS and CHEECH and CHONG. Unfortunately, it's out-of-print now, but there are still copies floating around. Lay hands on it any way you can, amigos!

WE REMEMBER DESI ARNAZ: OUR MAN IN HAVANA

There's never been a better AMBASSADOR for Latin culture than DESI ARNAZ. Immortalized as RICKY RICARDO on the long-running "I LOVE LUCY" TV series, he was so much more than LUCILLE BALL's husband. He was the first MULTIRACIAL actor to achieve stardom on American television. He was an accomplished bandleader, comedian, producer, businessman. He was a red-hot PAPICHULO who thrilled lovers of both genders! He was one Hell of a writer, too; his no-holds-barred 1976 autobiography A BOOK (William Morrow) is the finest show-business tome you'll ever read. DESI ARNAZ was an AMERICAN RENAISSANCE MAN! See SEÑOR BABALÚ and his mighty CONGA DRUM fill the screen with charisma and sex appeal in TOO MANY GIRLS (1940), the smash hit RKO musical comedy where he and LUCY first appeared together. It's now available on Warner Home Video.

WE REMEMBER RICARDO MONTALBÁN: OUR MAN IN MÉXICO CITY

Before he became famous as MR. ROURKE on TV's "FANTASY ISLAND", the versatile RICARDO was the subject of many a SEÑORITA'S fantasy. A star of stage and screen in both the United States and México, he was one of the most popular actors of the 1940s and '50s. Hero, villain, comedian, dancer, Latin lover: RICARDO could do it all, and did! His leading ladies included ESTHER WILLIAMS, LENA HORNE, LANA TURNER and CYD CHARISSE. At the height of his movie career, he was quite the PAPICHULO, as this vintage publicity shot confirms. Rest in peace, DON RICARDO.

WE REMEMBER ANDY RUSSELL: OUR MAN IN HOLLYWOOD

They called him the WEST COAST SINATRA. He was the first Mexican-American Pop singing sensation. A veteran of BIG BANDS led by GUS ARNHEIM and ALVINO REY, he was as skilled a drummer as he was a vocalist. Recording solo for CAPITOL RECORDS, he introduced the popular Latin standards "BÉSAME MUCHO", "AMOR" and "CUANDO VUELVA A TU LADO" (What A Difference A Day Makes) to American audiences. His English language hits included "LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE", "I CAN'T BEGIN TO TELL YOU" and "PRETENDING." ANDY parlayed success on records into a film and TV career that spread his fame to MÉXICO, ARGENTINA and SPAIN. Although he could easily have passed for White, ANDRESITO never hid his MESTIZO roots! ¡QUE VIVA LA RAZA! He was a source of MUCHO ORGULLO for the East Los Angeles community that he called home. The West Coast Sinatra passed away in 1992, but his smooth BOLEROS and sexy SONRISA won't soon be forgotten.

WE REMEMBER KITTY WELLS: OUR WOMAN IN NASHVILLE

For some fans of classic rural iconography, the name "MISS KITTY" conjures up memories of actress AMANDA BLAKE in the long-running "GUNSMOKE" TV series. However, for classic COUNTRY MUSIC fans, there can only be one Miss Kitty: MURIEL DEASON WRIGHT, who scored dozens of hits under her stage name, KITTY WELLS. She may not have been the best female singer/songwriter on the Nashville scene, and she certainly wasn't the first; but her 1952 single "It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels" put women on the MUSIC CITY map like none of her forerunners did. That release was the FIRST #1 Country record ever recorded by a woman. Miss Kitty inspired LORETTA LYNN, PATSY CLINE, TAMMY WYNETTE and a host of other Country divas to follow in her wake, and her runaway SUCCESS made theirs possible. With her singing and performing family (including husband JOHNNIE WRIGHT and daughter RUBY) often in tow, as well as popular duet partners like RED FOLEY, she scored a long string of bestsellers including "HEY JOE", "RELEASE ME", "MAKING BELIEVE", "UNLOVED UNWANTED", "HEARTBREAK USA" and "AMIGO'S GUITAR". This very pretty and always DIGNIFIED lady came to embody the rural American WIFE and MOTHER ideal for many of her friends and fans. A well-deserved induction into the COUNTRY MUSIC HALL OF FAME came in 1976.

VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHER AVEC TURHAN BEY?

He usually played supporting roles behind stars like SABU, JON HALL, GEORGE SANDERS, LON CHANEY, JR and MARÍA MONTEZ. Yet his stunning good looks, rumbling baritone voice, vaguely androgynous demeanor, pouting lips and SMOULDERING BEDROOM EYES always made Turhan stand out. For a while in the 1940s, he was a fixture in exotic adventure films; among his credits are the classic Technicolor versions of ARABIAN NIGHTS and ALI BABA AND THE FORTY THIEVES. His other movies carry tantalizing titles like SUDAN, SONG OF INDIA, RAIDERS OF THE DESERT, BOMBAY CLIPPER and PRISONERS OF THE CASBAH. Despite star turns in Film Noir flicks like PAROLE, INCORPORATED and THE AMAZING MISTER X, this son of a Turkish diplomat never became the huge matinée idol he deserved to be. All the same, he was one of the SEXIEST MEN ever photographed by a movie camera.

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OUR BELOVED FOUNDER, SEÑORA LAURA PINTO

When DOÑA LAURA opened this joint back in January of 2006, it was a CLASSY ESTABLISHMENT. We've since managed to turn it into a DISREPUTABLE DIVE! Sigh . . . isn't that always the way it goes when new management takes over?

LA CHINGONA: IMPRESARIO PAR EXCELLENCE

BIG BUFFY CHINGAS, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Mexican singer PAQUITA LA DEL BARRIO, is our former music director. Now she directs and produces our fabulous FLOOR SHOWS. In addition to being a superb LATIN SOUL singer, Doña Buffy is proficient on at least SEVEN different musical instruments! Her amazing virtuosity is the result of extensive instruction from her famous father-in-law, COMO CHINGAS. You've probably HEARD OF HIM.

EL FOOLKILLER: MUSIC DIRECTOR MARAVILLOSO

He’s the man who makes the ELECTRIC ACCORDION sound like Carlos Santana's guitar! Born Harvey Schwartz, MATABABOSOS is the musical child prodigy of a UGANDAN-RUSSIAN JEWISH father and a JAPANESE-GUATEMALAN mother. His KEYBOARD WIZARDRY won him admission to JUILLIARD, but he never got to attend the school. That’s because his OTHER skills (ARMED ROBBERY, MANSLAUGHTER) won him admission to some of this country’s most distinguished PENAL INSTITUTIONS! After he was paroled, Doña Buffy set him straight (actually, he's BISEXUAL) and now MATABABOSOS is the STAR he was always meant to be.

CUARTETO CANTINA: GUITARRAS BIEN BORRACHAS

Our Tequila-loving house band, CUARTETO CANTINA, is led by Flamenco guitarist SANTITOS POCHO. Santitos claims to be from Spain, but I happen to know he was born in FRESNO! Here's the Cuarteto, performing a drunken HUAPANGO with the México City dance troupe TRÍO TROTACALLES. Yes, they can carry a tune . . . the only question is, HOW FAR?

MARIACHI LOWRIDER: WHERE BROADWAY MEETS EL BARRIO

For shows where we need a bigger sound than CUARTETO CANTINA can provide, we augment their guitars with the fine musicianship of MARIACHI LOWRIDER. Here they are, standing outside LEAVENWORTH CORRECTIONAL FACILITY with their future music director, EL FOOLKILLER, standing at far right. Doña Buffy has known them since she worked as a PAROLE OFFICER and they were all under her supervision. She suggested they form a DISCO/TEX MEX fusion band, and the rest is history!

¡ESOS AVES MALDITOS!

Here are our Cantina mascots, SAMSON and DELILAH PAPAGALLO. Beautiful birds, aren't they? Too bad they both have MOUTHS LIKE A SEWER, with ATTITUDES to match. They used to live with comedian SACHA BARON COHEN, and I'm afraid he taught them MUCHAS PALABRAS COCHINAS. Their language is absolutely disgraceful . . . ¡CÓMO CHINGAN, NIÑOS!

Who knew that when we bailed DON HERIBERTO out of a rat-infested Tijuana jail, he'd reward us with the gift of his awesome culinary skill? And who'd have suspected that he's one of the finest FEMALE ILLUSIONISTS this side of the Río Grande? His flawless impersonations of Pop and Rock divas will knock your HUARACHES off. Here he is, blocking the entrance of his kitchen last Thursday. Those PINCHES BORRACHOS from CUARTETO CANTINA are always trying to steal Tequila from the 'fridge!

LOS HERMANOS COCHINADA: PAPICHULOS FROM SAN JUAN

One of our most popular attractions are our all-singing, all-dancing barkeeps, THE COCHINADA BROTHERS: CHA CHA, KIKI, LUCHI and BUBBA. A 5th brother, MEMO, is pictured here, but he no longer performs. He MANAGES their act now and never fails to get on the BAD SIDE of DOÑA BUFFY! Every one of them is a total DIVA, always trying to upstage the others and hog the spotlight. When the HERMANOS aren't performing or tending bar, DON HERIBERTO keeps them busy in his kitchen; those long MACHETES come in handy there.

CANTINA COUTURIERE EXTRAORDINAIRE: HENRIETTA LA DEL BARRIO

Meet HENRIETTA, our costume and set designer. She hails from the rustic old California barrio known as WEST HOLLYWOOD. She's been making us look good on stage since our first 50 NIGHTS celebration. As you can see, ETTA is overwhelmed by the myriad design possibilities of our many THEME SHOWS.

THE POP CULTURE CANTINA'S 31 TOP HABANERA ROCK HITS of ALL-TIME!

'"WILLIE AND THE HAND JIVE" written and sung by JOHNNY OTIS

"VIVA LAS VEGAS" sung by ELVIS PRESLEY

"VENUS" sung by SHOCKING BLUE

"VEHICLE" sung by IDES OF MARCH

"TWIST AND SHOUT" sung by THE ISLEY BROTHERS

"THEN HE KISSED ME" by THE CRYSTALS featuring LA LA BROOKS

"TAKE A LETTER, MARIA" written and sung by RB GREAVES

"SUNSHINE" sung by THE ARCHIES

"SPILL THE WINE" sung by ERIC BURDON and WAR

"SPANISH HARLEM" sung by BEN E. KING

"ONLY IN AMERICA" sung by JAY and THE AMERICANS

"OH! CAROL" written and sung by NEIL SEDAKA

"NOBODY BUT YOU" sung by THE TOKENS

"MY MARIA" written and sung by BW STEVENSON

"MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS" sung by THE GRASS ROOTS

"LITTLE DARLIN'" sung by THE DIAMONDS

"LAST CHANCE TO TURN AROUND" sung by GENE PITNEY

"KILLER JOE" sung by THE ROCKY FELLERS

"JUST LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET" sung by THE REFLECTIONS

"HE'S A REBEL" sung by THE CRYSTALS featuring DARLENE LOVE with THE BLOSSOMS

"GIMME SOME LOVIN'" written and sung by THE SPENCER DAVIS GROUP

"EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN" sung by IKE & TINA TURNER (unreleased)

"DOWN IN THE BOONDOCKS" sung by BILLY JOE ROYAL

"DONNA, THE PRIMA DONNA" written and sung by DION

"COME A LITTLE BIT CLOSER" sung by JAY and THE AMERICANS

"CHERRY, CHERRY" written and sung by NEIL DIAMOND

"CANDIDA" sung by TONY ORLANDO and DAWN

"BE MY BABY" sung by THE RONETTES featuring RONNIE SPECTOR

"A LITTLE BIT OF SOAP" sung by THE JARMELS

"A LITTLE BIT ME, A LITTLE BIT YOU" sung by THE MONKEES

TACOS CANTINA AL PESCADO Y CAMARÓN

The recipe for our fish and shrimp tacos is a closely-guarded secret known only to me, our founder, Doña Laura Pinto, and Chef Don Heriberto. We serve 'em with CHUPACABRA SAUCE, BURNT CACTUS CHIPS and PICO de BUZZARD on the side. Talk about SABROSO! They're so tasty, they'll make you slap your own ABUELITA at Sunday mass.

OUR INFAMOUS CACTUS DAIQUIRI DRINK

Your first one will KNOCK YOU SILLY. Your second one will KNOCK YOU FLAT. Your third one will KNOCK YOU UP. Don't even THINK about asking me what I put in them!