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Dh recently found out he has another son

We have been together for 10 years, married for almost 8 and have 5 children together. A year ago, he found out he has a 12 (now 13) year old son. She wrote him a letter telling him about his son and in the letter, it clearly states that she didn't tell him when she got pregnant. She ended up moving with her family (they were both 18 at the time) out of state and found out she was pregnant and chose to not contact him.

It included her number so after we talked about it, we called her. He told her he would like to have a relationship with him. She said "oh no, that's not why I contacted you, I want my money, you have been a dead beat father for 12 years and I want what you owe, you can see him when you pay ever dime you owe". My brother is an attorney who specializes in family law. He said that because we can prove that DH had no knowledge of the child, he does not owe child support for the past. We also decided to fight paying current child support since, while this is my DH's bio child, he was robbed of the chance to be a father to him, he didn't get to know him as a baby (during the time most of the bonding takes place), he missed most of his growing up and has had no say in how he was raised.

We went to court last month and the judge ordered that DH get the whole summer every year and all of the breaks. He practically laughed at DH's ex when she said she wanted back child support since he was born after we showed him the letter and ordered DH to pay child support based on having 5 other children. Usually, they don't do that when the child the support is ordered for is the first child but since DH didn't know about him and therefore had no reason to have to plan to pay child support, the judge did it. Since the judge also ordered that DH's ex has to pay all transportation costs, the amount of CS will pretty much just cover that.

After talking to his son and understanding that his son does have a life and wants to spend time with his friends and family, DH said that his son could visit as long as he wants, which they agreed would be 2 weeks each summer and a week during spring break.

The sad thing is, I don't think she would have ever contacted him had she not found out that he has a good job and makes a nice income. I am glad that it all worked out in court for us but I do feel bad for my DH. At the same time, and I have a hard time admitting this, I am glad he didn't know. There is no way we would have had all 5 of our kids knowing he has another, especially if he would have been paying the full amount of CS.

He will be coming this spring break for about a week, that's in just a few months. I want to make him feel welcome but at the same time, I don't want my kids to feel unimportant. We have a 5 bedroom home (the twins share a room) but downstairs, we have a computer room that is closed in and it has a fold out couch in it, I was thinking about putting him in there, what do you think? Any other advice?

Dh agrees with me and that's what I was thinking. If it were me, I would want a place I could go to be by myself if I needed

Quoting la-cosa-nostra:

Talk to DH and see where he thinks his son should sleep. I don't think he should share with the twins, but I don't know the layout of your house to think if any other options. I'm sure a pull out couch would be fine. It's not like he will be isolated when awake, so I don't think matters if he sleeps away from everyone. He'd probably prefer a space away to get alone time, that's a lot of people who he barely knows. I would think he'd want to be alone at night to get a chance to adjust.

I agree with you. Plus I'm sure he doesn't want to be shoved up his half siblings' butts.

Quoting Anonymous:

Dh agrees with me and that's what I was thinking. If it were me, I would want a place I could go to be by myself if I needed

Quoting la-cosa-nostra:

Talk to DH and see where he thinks his son should sleep. I don't think he should share with the twins, but I don't know the layout of your house to think if any other options. I'm sure a pull out couch would be fine. It's not like he will be isolated when awake, so I don't think matters if he sleeps away from everyone. He'd probably prefer a space away to get alone time, that's a lot of people who he barely knows. I would think he'd want to be alone at night to get a chance to adjust.

She could be jelouse .. But thats good that your dealings with her are minimum imo the less bs the better

Quoting Anonymous:

Once I got over the shock, it wasn't bad. I mean it was way before me and DH got together and he honestly didn't know so I can't be mad at him over it. I can't be mad at the kid, honestly I really feel for him, I am annoyed and his mom but she lives out of state so my dealing with her is very minimal. If anything, I think she is jealous of the fact that I get to be a SAHM

Quoting SweetandSassy12:

I would be too it cant be easy to go through this

Quoting Anonymous:

I was SHOCKED. My DH was never a man whore or anything like that where you would expect this. He has only been with 3 women including me.

I would get a roll away bed. Than if he does want to put it in with his new brothers he could it would only be out at night time. Or he could stay in the computer room.

Quoting Anonymous:

Dh agrees with me and that's what I was thinking. If it were me, I would want a place I could go to be by myself if I needed

Quoting la-cosa-nostra:

Talk to DH and see where he thinks his son should sleep. I don't think he should share with the twins, but I don't know the layout of your house to think if any other options. I'm sure a pull out couch would be fine. It's not like he will be isolated when awake, so I don't think matters if he sleeps away from everyone. He'd probably prefer a space away to get alone time, that's a lot of people who he barely knows. I would think he'd want to be alone at night to get a chance to adjust.

That happened to my friends dh. His daughter was 15 when he found out. Same situation she moved. She visits when she wants. He ended up not having to pay any child support. Mostly because she was asking for a huge amount and the judge thought she was crazy.

It sounds like you want to be welcoming but are also hellbent on not giving him what he needs. Everyone gives suggestions and nothing works so why ask. You do resent the situation but you won't admit it. In the end your dh son is gonna be the one who suffers :-(

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
on Jan. 6, 2013 at 11:56 AM

1 mom liked this

That's a GREAT idea. I think it will ask him to go online and find one he like so it will be here and ready when he gets here but he still go to pick it out. He has an ipod but maybe we could get him game system and TV for the room.

Quoting brebugmom91:

The pull out couch is fine IMO. Get some bedding that is just for him, and maybe a stereo or something for him to listen to, so he can have his own space.

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