Achieving the Best Living Environment for Dear Dad Took A Bit of Role Reversal and Persistence

After my mother passed in 2010, my father’s geriatric doctor and
my older sister, a retired nurse, began urging dad to move into assisted
living. He was very resistant and repeatedly dismissed their advice. His
sentiment was “I have a house that’s paid for, why would I want to pay rent
somewhere else?” But there was more to it than that. He loved puttering around
on his one-acre lot and watching deer and other wildlife that frequently traveled
to and from the forest preserve next to his property. Witnessing nature is what
made dad feel free and alive and gave him immense joy. He said, “I’d feel like
a caged animal in an apartment.”

I did not want dad to lose his sense of freedom and joy. The
problem was that he was living with advanced macular degeneration, arthritis
and needed to use a walker in a house that was not designed for mobility device
accessibility, aging in place or his particular needs. Because he couldn’t get
his Driver’s license renewed, due to his vision impairment, he was dependent on
my brother, who lived about 40 minutes away, for transportation to appointments
and to get groceries and prescriptions. (This was before car services like Uber
or restaurant, grocery and pharmacy delivery services were readily available.) There
was also the challenge to not slip and fall on snow and ice during the long
Midwest Winter months. Not an easy task for anyone, let alone older adults with
diminishing balance and vision.

How do you tell your parent what to do, or keep them from tossing
your advice to the wind, because they still view you as their child? Parents
believe they know best because they are older. I see this dynamic firsthand
when I am the professional working with families.

There comes a point when you simply need to
reverse roles. That time is when they’re no longer making good decisions and
need a guardian angel to step in and protect them, before something bad happens.
You need to be the parent.

In 2011, I was just one year out of design college and working for
a commercial senior living design firm. I was intimately aware of the benefits
of senior living communities and assisted living. I was trained in how the body
ages and how to design with those needs in mind, which is highly specialized. However,
at that time, I was not focused on residential design for older adults and had not
yet become a Certified in Aging in Place Specialist. Nor was I aware that 99%
of residential homes need remodel design to accommodate the changing needs of
adults 55+.

Living in a different state halfway across the country made it
tough to help or see what was really going on with dad day-to-day. Every time I
talked with him, he said everything was fine.

However, when I flew back to Ohio for a visit, I discovered there
were life-safety issues with dad living at home. I watched him turn on his gas
stove and crank up the flame to about 8-inches high because he couldn’t see it
and thought the stove wasn’t working. He confided that he had been falling but
hadn’t told anyone. I even uncovered “stranger elder abuse,” as dad had been
repeatedly preyed upon for money but didn’t realize that he was being scammed. They
had built up trust with him over several months and dad was allowing them in
the house. Dad simply thought he was helping someone in need and didn’t tell
any of us about any of it.

I immediately sought counsel with our Elder Law Attorney, who
referred me to the County Prosecutor, who advised that this would not end well
for my dad if it continued. The only legal way to stop it would be to declare
him mentally incompetent. I refused to demean dad like that – plus, he was as
sharp as ever. I believed there had to be another way to protect him.

I knew, despite how much dad didn’t want to leave his home, he needed to move to assisted living, for his own safety and wellbeing. In the right senior living community, he would have extra eyes on him daily, and care as needed, which was important with his rapidly deteriorating vision, and it would keep the predators away. He would have opportunities to socialize with peers and make new friends. Nutritional meals would be provided, and he wouldn’t be eating alone. Housekeeping and laundry service would be provided. His risk of falling would be significantly reduced as good communities are designed by professional senior living interior designers to prevent fall and accidents, accommodate walkers and wheelchairs, and be safer, overall. Dad would also be much safer without a stove or a house that he insisted on maintaining himself (including going up on the roof!)

However, as confident as I was about how much safer and better off
dad would be in assisted living, given his needs and situation, he was not. So,
I had to assertively reverse our roles, be the parent, take the lead, jump into
action, take the heat, and talk and persuade him through every step of the
process and move. It felt awkward and uncomfortable, but Dad’s safety and
well-being was far more important than my uncomfortableness. It was tough and exhausting,
but so worth it.

Many times, the existing home can be professionally designed and
remodeled for Aging in Place, which safely keeps them at home. Other times
there are extenuating circumstances, like with my dad, where the best solution
is assisted living.

Step One – A Loving Intervention

Because parents are usually more willing to take advice from
professionals than from their own adult children, I engaged a professional
senior advisor and called a family meeting with dad, my siblings and the
advisor.

It was effective and impactful for dad to have a professional talk
with him about his needs and how his current home wasn’t meeting those needs. It
was powerful for dad to hear all his adult children (who don’t always agree on
things) in unison supporting and agreeing with the advisor.

Bingo! By the end of the meeting, dad made the decision to move to
assisted living.

Step Two – Finding the Right Place if Home Isn’t an Option

Moving is particularly tough on seniors, so you’ll want to get it
right with the first move. I recommend engaging a Senior Placement Specialist to
bring forth your best options. They’re like Realtors®, except they are solely focused on senior
living placement and their service is no cost to you. They serve as a great
advocacy resource.

A
senior placement specialist will take you to tour appropriate senior living
communities or care homes they have already vetted, based on your budget for
rent and care, needs and
lifestyle preferences. They provide better, more individualized service than the
online service companies that you see advertisements for on TV that simply give
you a list of communities and leave you to figure it all out on your own.

Whereas, good placement agents have many resources and help you
every step of the way, including the preparation and paperwork for move-in, as
required by community management and state laws. Plus, they are aware of which
communities and care homes are the best and those to avoid.

Please don’t make the mistake of presuming you can find and choose
the best place on your own. Take this example with my well-meaning sister and
brother and how it could have gone very wrong.

My older sister (the nurse) wanted my dad to move into an assisted
living community just down the street from his house and close to her, and my
brother and sister-in-law wanted dad to move into a brand-new Brookdale community
(largest senior housing provider in the US) close to their house. Either makes
sense, right?

I investigated each. The problem with the one down the street from
dad was that they only offered shared rooms. Dad, being a very independent,
strong-willed person would have absolutely hated that as he would lose
independence and privacy. My sister wasn’t aware of the shared rooms set
up and acknowledged she didn’t know enough about senior housing to ask the
right questions. The problem with the new community close to my brother was
that it was only memory care and my dad did not have dementia or Alzheimer’s.

My siblings are intelligent, educated people, but they, like most
people, do not know enough about senior housing to make the best selection. You
don’t know what you don’t know. For the sake of your loved one, engage a local professional.

Given my senior living training, I knew what to look for and what
questions to ask. So, I promptly vetted several senior living communities for
dad that offered assisted living. I narrowed it down to three and took dad to
tour them and have a meal there.

When I have clients that want or need senior housing, I refer them
to good senior placement agents I know and trust. If you need a senior
placement agent in Arizona, let me know. I’d be happy to introduce you to a
few.

Another option to find a local senior placement specialist is to look on the National Placement & Referral Alliance website, www.npralliance.org. It’s a Not-for-Profit professional association that promotes standards, ethics and education for its membership, which serve seniors and their families. I serve on the Central Arizona Chapter’s Board of Directors. That Chapter was founded about eight years ago, and the association just went national in 2018 and is quickly developing new chapters.

Step Three – Don’t Let Curve
Balls Throw You

Dad and I were in agreement on which community would be the best for
him. It was in a pleasant, country-like setting with lots of trees, grass and a
pond with ducks. Things he would enjoy and space for him to safely ride his
adult tricycle. He said, “If I can’t stay at home this is where I want to live.”

I was so pleased we found a place he would enjoy. We were already
to sign the community’s agreement but were told there’s was a six-month waiting
list for one-bedroom apartments. Yikes! All they had available was a tiny 385
sq. ft. studio apartment. Double Yikes!

Of course, dad quickly said he could wait. But the reality was he
needed it ASAP! I insisted it had to be now and I knew he would not be happy at
the other communities. So, we took it and moved forward.

The studio apartment was tiny, but I was determined to make it
mighty! I went to work leveraging my senior living design skills to improve quality
of life.

Downsizing from a single-family home, compounded by the need for a
fast move, was no easy feat. But in less than three weeks it was accomplished.

I designed a vibrant, uplifting, ADA-compliant space that
incorporated key existing pieces dad wanted to keep and new furnishings that
were needed. I implemented senior living design techniques that made his daily
activities easier, given his vision impairment, arthritis and need for a
walker.

I infused his studio apartment with his favorite colors, which I
adjusted for his vision impairment, and things that brought him joy – nature,
birds, animals, and music. Large-scale media and artwork were introduced,
abundant lighting was provided, and cabinet pulls designed for arthritic hands
were installed on the cabinetry.

One would assume that all assisted living community apartments are
senior-friendly and set to go from a safety perspective. But I’ve found either
in working with clients transitioning into independent or assisted living
apartments or when I’m touring communities that many are not as accurate as
they should be and need tweaking (even the high-end luxury communities). I have
identified senior design gaps for clients and resolved problems to improve
safety and make daily activities easier, prior to move-in. There are cases
where the architectural design is poor for seniors and that can’t be fixed.
It’s best to identify those type of problems when touring and look elsewhere to
live.

Also, I help clients that are downsizing into a new home or an
independent or assisted living apartment. I help them determine which furniture
they want to bring with them. I advise which pieces will and won’t work in the
new space. I review a Furniture plan (arrangement), which is a CAD
(Computer-Aided Drafting) drawing, revealing precisely which furniture pieces
will be moved, where they will be placed and whether anything new is needed. I
also assist by selecting and purchasing senior-friendly furniture and
furnishings for them.

When needed, I have access to professional organizers that help
clients sort, purge, pack and unpack, as well as movers. Often, the families I’ve
worked with also have me go back to the house they moved from and prepare it to
sell for top dollar.

Each of these services tremendously reduce the stress and
overwhelm that older adults feel when it comes to downsizing and moving. In
fact, the mere thought of downsizing is so overwhelming for seniors that it’s
the number one reason they decide against or put off moving into senior living
communities.

Assisted Living Studio Apartment

Before

After

Step Five – Be Compassionate and Prepared
for a 3-Month Transitioning Period

Your loved one will probably not
be happy for about three months. That’s the usual amount of time it takes people
to transition into apartment and community living. There are new routines to
get used to, including new mealtimes and how the community functions and operates.
It takes time to feel comfortable, stop being angry about having to move (i.e.
losing their independence), and to make new friends.

As for dad, right at the
three-month mark he struck up a close friendship with a nice lady that lived
there, which made his last 2 ½ years of life more pleasant. He really missed
living in his own single-family home but made the best of living at the senior
living community, as he understood he was safer there.

Before

After

The
best way to avoid a move to assisted living is to make an investment in
yourself and have your home professionally designed and remodeled for
successful aging in place before its too late, like it was for my dad. Done
correctly and beautifully, it will add value to your home as well.

Bonnie Lewis of 55+ TLC Interior Design has been our chosen designer and project manager atMcDowell Village Senior Living for several years. Bonnie has proven to be responsive and proactive from the project management aspect and her designs are innovative and well received by our discerning clientele of elder adults and their adult children. She is passionate about her work yet always considers her clients’ wishes to create beautiful and functional end products. I don’t hesitate to recommend Bonnie for any project that requires an experienced and accomplished design and project management professional.

—Michael Bergmans, General Manager, McDowell Village

Bonnie Lewis’ commitment to providing a functional, yet high-quality décor for her senior clients is not only beneficial to her clientele, but also benefits the housing industry. When potential residents tour our community and get a glimpse of Bonnie’s work, they are amazed at how apartments can seemingly come to life, with Bonnie’s well-thought-out touches. From the paint schemes to the arrangement of furniture pieces, individuals can envision their own safer living arrangement, and start to get excited about the move-in process.

—Matthew P. Bucher, Director of Marketing at The Elizabeth Scott Community

After taking care of my mother late in life I knew first hand how hard it could be to manage aging in place with a standard bathroom. When it came time to remodel the master bath I knew I wanted it to be ADA compliant in case of possible future needs and I called Bonnie. I am very glad I did! My beautiful new bathroom does not make me think "disability" or "nursing home" — the words that come to mind instead are "feminine, elegant, and serene." It makes me happy every day.

—Sue McGee, MD

Dad loves his new suite and we are so pleased with the remodel design and the workmanship. We get compliments often on it and the design. I so appreciate all your hard work and diligence. Thank you again for your beautiful work and for all you do. You are truly a Blessing.

—Susan Allmaras

My mother and aunt were very happy being able to live together. They both love the remodel design additions and changes. We don't think I could have made a better selection of remodel designers for this project, you are awesome! My mother's last six months were comfortable and happy thanks to your innovative design work. Thank you.

—Dr. Ronald Barnes

Due to having both knees replaced, I had Bonnie redesign my Master Bathroom into a more functional space. My favorite features are the shower bench, which I can flip up, and the big niche for all my shampoo and lotions. It is not just functional, it also turned out beautiful.

—Christine A.

Bonnie took on a series of projects for my elderly parents beginning with accessibility renovations to their unique desert residence, followed by interior design updates for a new independent living apartment, and culminating in a comprehensive refreshing of the interior of finishes of their home; when it became painfully clear that my father could no longer live there without fulltime assistance.

Throughout the process Bonnie was exemplary in her knowledge of the key design issues, her willingness to provide multiple options, and her adherence to schedule and budget. Bonnie is a true professional – always courteous and a pleasure to work with. I can recommend her without reservation.

—Keith Krolak - AIA, LEED AP

Bonnie designed our Master Bath for remodel. Her ideas were outstanding and elegant. She also managed the project. We were very happy with the design, construction and the entire project. Her selection of specific high-end materials and items used in the project added an upscale look to it. The contractor she suggested also did a wonderful job for us. Would I use Bonnie again? Absolutely. I highly recommend her.

—J. Bruce Bossie

Working with Bonnie on renovating our master bedroom has been an absolute pleasure. She took time to understand our goals and tastes, diligently searched for creative and cost-effective options for every piece, and recommended reputable sub-contractors. Her organizational skills and attention to every detail resulted in efficient and timely project completion and the beautiful end-result we love!

—Dr. Susan Wilder

What a great experience working with Bonnie. From the start she was very professional. She listened to our ideas and made wonderful suggestions. About half way through the project we learned just to go with Bonnie’s instincts. The overall design and the way she brought it all together with exceptional use of color far exceeded our expectations. All our friends were amazed at the outcome, too.