I just love it when some adoptive mom gets all riled up and decides to comment on a three-year old post. I guess they have to let the meanie moms like me know how wrong and bitter I am. Boo freaking hooooo. I don’t need anymore lectures on how saintly adoptive parents are as they rush around the world rescuing all the little children. Do you really not get how that sounds?

Is it really that hard to look at the date at the top of the post? Maybe even look around the blog to see if it’s still active? Oh well, thanks for reminding me to turn off my email notifications. You are at least useful for that

I told you guys a little while back I was working on something. I still am working on it but figured it was about time I let you all in on it. Its not just my project. There are some wonderful people helping and sharing ideas. I have been truly inspired by working with them. So here goes….

We have stated a new group to support all people separated by adoption.

We are dedicated to support those struggling with adoption loss. We provide confidential support and information through a moderated support forum and a monitored nightly chat room.

We aim to prevent further unnecessary separations by uniting adoptees and firstparents in the mission to prevent dire situations, life circumstances, and oppressive belief systems that result in adoptions.

We aim to support families searching for family members, beginning a reunion, struggling with the complex emotional issues of a reunion or dealing with a failed reunion.

We aim to raise awareness of the life long consequences of adoption separation for mothers, fathers, adoptees, siblings and extended family.

We are an affiliate of Origins International.

I would love to see some of you on our forum! We even have a section for Allies that aren’t connected to adoption. Check us out but keep in mind we are still building.

Its the beginning of a new year and with that comes resolutions. I have many resolutions. Some are the typical kind to do things like lose weight, be more active and be nicer to my brother. I know most of that won’t happen. (sorry bro) I have a few resolutions of the adoption nature.

My big one is to write at least one entry on this blog a week. It sounds so easy but I know it will be very very hard for me to keep. Anyone in the adoption community knows how cruel it can be. Heartless comments and personal attacks are an every day occurence. I think we all know that natural mothers take more than their fair share of that. Its easy to hurt them. Its not very hard to know what to say to twist the knife in their heart. Before my break the comments had been getting to me more than I could deal with. This led me to my second resolution

Boundaries, they aren’t just for adoptees and APs anymore. I am setting some pretty major boundaries for this blog. I was trying not to hurt so many people that I was hurting myself. I will not do that anymore. On this blog mothers that have lost children to adoption are mothers or at the natural mothers. They are not birth anything and even first will not be permitted in some cases. If you comment with the b words I will simply edit it to say natural. I hate to do that but its my blog and I am sick of the disrespect.

On the subject of language, I will refer to people that adopt on a case to case basis. I have met some people that have adopted that truly understand what is happening in the adoption industry and I refer to them as adoptive parents. Why? Because they show me respect and I return the favor. The whole two way street thing. However, if you are an asshat that happens to have adopted you will be refered to as an adopter or worse. I will not hold punches anymore for people that swing with everything they have.

So there ya have it folks. This new year you do not get a kinder gentler Aislin. I tried that and it sucked. You get a more direct, stronger and honest Aislin. If you don’t like it I am truly sorry but no one is forcing you to read.

3 years ago today I was sitting on my bed watching your dad play a game. My eyes were puffy from crying all night. Your brothers were safe in their beds dreaming little boy dreams. You were awake practicing your kick boxing. I was scared of what the next day would bring. It was the day I had to tell everyone that I couldn’t let you go.

I felt selfish for keeping you with me. I felt guilty for letting down the poor infertile couple that I had never even spoken to let alone met. The social workers words echoed in my head. I will ruin your little life if you stay here. You will grow up to be just like me. Don’t I want more for you than that? I’m breaking the hearts of those poor poor people that just want a baby to complete their perfect lives. Still I knew I couldn’t do it.

So I sat on the bed watching your dad. Tiny clothes spread out across my comforter. You needed more socks. I had to go shopping for a couple more sleepers and some hats too. Its a good thing I kept the crib your brothers used. It wasn’t much but it was enough.

Then I felt it. Terror gripped me at 11:30 pm when I knew for a fact you were not going to wait for me to tell everyone. I should have known. Patience isn’t something that runs in our family. Not to mention that I was 10 months and 4 days pregnant with you. I was overwhelmed with fear and joy knowing I would get to see your face soon.

I whispered to you the whole way to the hospital. Calling your name and trying to reassure you. My hands never leaving my stomach so you could feel my caress. I told you how much we loved you and wanted you. I told you how excited your brothers would be when they woke up.

We were together on this day 3 years ago. We were a family complete. We were all I needed or wanted in this world. Yet I am alone tonight writing about the beautiful daughter I miss more than anything and you don’t even know your name whispered to you that night. So as I said that night …….

I really hate the fact that something simple can bring me right back to the raw painful feelings that I had the day I lost my daughter. It comes out of the blue and takes weeks to get over. Today I was in the car and heard a song that I could have written just for her.

Staind – Believe Lyrics

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
All I think about is you

And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the devil I don’t meet
In the dreams that I live through

Believe in me
I know you’ve waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life’s not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

All the smiles you’ve had to fake
And all the shit you’ve had to take
Just to meet us here again

I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away
To make it all just disappear

Believe in me
I know you’ve waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life’s not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
And all I think about is you

If you believe in me
Life’s not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Believe in me
I know you’ve waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life’s not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

I’m sure you can see why some of the lyrics made me think of her so deeply. The line that gets me the most is ” I was made for chasing dreams” Not many people know why i named my daughter what I did or even what I named her. I’ve kept that mostly to myself.

Her name means a dream. I named her when I was 5 months pregnant. I named her dream because that is what she is to me. She was my dream come true. She is my dream come true. Yeah my dream was for her to be with me but she is no less special or wonderful because she is 200 miles away. i don’t love her less. I don’t worry about her less. I am not less proud of everything she does. She is not less beautiful. She is no less part of me than if she was here. She is and will always be my dream, my world, my everything.

I will chase my dream forever if I have to. I will never give up on her. I will be here forever and always waiting. I love you my dream girl.

Last year we instituted our annual Demons of Adoption Award to raise a voice against adoption propaganda and the self congratulatory practices of the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute’s annual Angels in Adoption Awards

This year we continue that tradition. Until November 1 you will have the opportunity to vote for the recipient of this year’s award.

The nominees are:

LDS Family Services for using coercive tactics in obtaining infants for adoption and for not respecting paternal rights;

The makers of Juno for helping to groom and brainwash a whole new generation of girls and young women to be walking incubators for the the adoption industry;

Adoption.com for systematically banning voices that oppose current adoption practices and their continuous pro-adoption propaganda;

Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute for awarding persons and organizations that promote the one sided point of view of the adoption industry;

Adoptions from the Heart for their continued cooperation with the totally corrupt Indian orphanage Preet Mandir;

Amici dei Bambini for being the driving force behind the concept of European Adoptions, as a way to re-open adoptions from Romania;

CPS in various states for pushing for quick adoptions on flimsy allegations to meet targets and quotas;

UK Local authority Social Services for pushing for quick adoptions on flimsy allegations to meet targets and quotas;

Canadian Children’s Aid Society for pushing for quick adoptions on flimsy allegations to meet targets and quotas;

District of Columbia Child and Family Services Agency for for not checking up on Renee Bowman.

Believe by Bravery

The faces all around me they don’t smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do have time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for

There’s a smell of stale feeling that’s drinking from my skins
The drinking never stops because the drink off all our sins
We sit and throw our roots into the floor
What are we waiting for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Something’s always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I’ve become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

Ohhhhhhh

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I want so desperately to be in denial rigt now. I want to stop hurting. I want the pain to end. I want to forget. I want to be normal again. I just want to be a person not this thing I have become. I saw her face and it ripped my heart out. I want to be able to look at my daughter without feeling like I am dying. I want to see her smile without thinking its a sign that she doesn’t need me. God there is so much I want.

Please please remind me that she needs me. Tell me that she will be devestated if I disapear. Will she really even care? Would she notice if I was no longer around? Does she even know who I am anymore? Does she hate me?

I want to sink into that sweet denial. Why is even that denied me? If I had any sense at all I would have bled out on the delivery room table.

The story of Raquel Par hit a huge nerve with me. Most people can not imagine waking up to find their child is gone. Not just in another room or out with daddy but gone. Taken, stolen, not coming back. I read this mother’s tragic story and instantly was taken back to that horrid day 2 yrs ago. I don’t remember anything that happened after getting in the car to go to the hospital. I just woke up 2 days later to discover I was no longer pregnant. There are no words to describe the horror. One minute my baby was safe inside my body and the next I had no idea where she was. Now stop for a minute and think about that. Seriously think about it hard. Put yourself in that situation. Imagine the feelings that would bring. Imagine what that does to a persons mind.

And like this poor woman in a distant country no one cared. The police did nothing. The agencies lied to keep me calm until they could do away with my claim. The judge didn’t care. No one cared. and to add insult to injury when a mom goes public she is called a liar. I am so thankful that someone listened to this mother. I pray her and her sweet baby are reunited soon.

There wasn’t much on the article that shocked me. I was shocked at the comments. Most of them stated the article shouldn’t have been written. I’m very sorry if some have a hard time reading these things. However, these women have a right to be heard. Their stories are important. They are just as important as all the happy dappy farting rainbow adoption stories I have to see everyday.

I often wonder why these stories make some people so defensive. If you know 100% for a fact your adoption was ethical it shouldn’t bother you.I think the people all up in arms have some doubt or guilt going on. They have to deny it ever happens out of fear that maybe… just maybe… the child they adopted was stolen too.