Thursday, March 23, 2017 – Ensure the Insured.

Today is my required home health care visit. My (I am so blessed) state paid insurance calls for an annual home visit to check on my health and well-being. This is translated as – ensure the insured person is not squandering our money and is actually sick when she says she is, not selling her medicines on the street, appears to be sane, or any number of issues related their money.

As always I have prepared for my tests and am prepared to answer all of the questions on form. Here are some examples I am anticipating.

Q: Is your birthday still January 13, 19XX? Yes, my birthday is the same as it has always been. I did not change my birthday like my Aunt Myrtle. She changed her birthday on her headstone so she would not look her older her husband.

Q: How old are you?

A: A year older than last time you were here. Can’t you do the math or are you a product of our education system?

Q: Are you mobile? Do you have difficulty walking?

A: I am very mobile. Sometimes I do have difficulty walking, but alcohol is almost always involved. And it only happens going to and from the Uber or wherever the designated driver’s car is.

Q: Do you exercise on a regular basis?

Micky and Killer Queen, you two want to weigh in here? These are my PTs – personal trainers not physical therapists. Last year I offered to lift and tote the home health care person to the living room just to show off, but she declined. This time I might suggest a contest where we do 10 lunges across the living room. Maybe I will take it easy on her and suggest 10 push-ups (full body, of course) or the usually number of reps of sit ups. What am I up to now, Mickey? Three sets of 10?

A: Yes, I exercise on a regular basis. This is why I wear sweat pants. Not only for the comfort, but my butt looks good in them. No shake, rattle or rolls.

Q: How is your mental frame of mind?

A: Compared to whose mental frame of mind? I would like to phone a friend and let them answer. As my dear Mother used to say to me often “Everyone is crazy except me and you. And I am kinda worried about you.”

Magnolia House – note the look of pleasure on my face. Lost that “Not wearing a dress” fight to Mama that day. Note: the silhouette above my head: Anybody from 4th Grade remember those?

Of course, as the great 20th Century philosopher says “If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.” (J. Buffet.)

Jimmy Buffet – Austin, Texas 2014. Photo by me.

But to answer your question regarding my mental capacities – I do not Tweet at 3:00 AM in the morning. I often go to the bathroom at 3:00 AM, but no tweeting, just peeing.

May I ask you a question, lowly paid health care checker person?

How much longer is this going to take? If you hurry up I can almost get 18 holes played before tip-off of the basketball games tonight.

Where to I sign to show you have been here and you can show your boss what a wonderful job you did today. Now, go away, but thank you for stopping by.