I became world famous a while ago when my eBay listing for a shithouse crap caravan that my husband secretly bought attracted slightly more attention than planned, gathering over a million views in less than 24 hours, and making the papers all over the world before someone at eBay noticed it contained a rude word. Before it was pulled, the top bid was around £80k, which almost certainly would have kept my errant husband in further unsuitable ludicrous purchases for a fair few years had it ever come to pass. Small mercies I suppose….

My listing on Ebay has now been removed, as apparently despite my VERY CLEAR instructions that I in no way endorse murdering, it seems you can’t be seen to be Encouraging Illegal Activity. Who knew?! So, for all those who missed it, here’s what you missed….. (Now with the buyer Q&A down the bottom too). Sadly, the £80k top bid never materialised either. Balls to censorship.

Apparently I owned this utterly crap caravan for three weeks before actually setting eyes on it. My husband drunkenly bought it on Ebay, and neglected to mention that one day he’d taken the day off work and driven halfway across the country to pick it up, deposit it around the back of our office, and failed to declare it as technically a marital ‘asset’ until recently.

Luckily, I’m the trusting type, and despite appearances I don’t think he bought it solely for the purpose of having a sordid extra-marital affair or taking up dogging, however as you might be able to see from the pictures, it would be PERFECT for both. Also pretty useful if you’re thinking of getting into murdering. I considered contacting the producers of The Fall to see if they wanted it for set dressing the next series – lets face it I’d sell my entire family for a chance to look upon Jamie Dornan with my real live eyes – but, well, life is short and ebay has been a good friend to me.

Down to details – this caravan has four walls, a roof, wheels and an interior unmatched in modern times for what I like to call, shabby shit. When I discovered I / we now owned this abomination of a wheeled device, I briefly considered starting a fun project to convert it into something cool – covering it in glitter, wallpapering the walls with fur, doing demented Cath Kidston-esque upholstery and starting an ill advised business touring festivals selling tat etc. but I’ve got two children, a job, and an idiot husband to deal with and quite frankly, time is money so I’m not going to bother.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t though. Think of the fun you could have in it whilst gazing out of the slightly tinted windows at rain-lashed Britain. Perhaps you could whittle a toilet for it out of the sad remains of your soul (there is a space for one). If I had a bigger garden (i.e. one where I couldn’t see this caravan) I’d let my children have it as a playhouse, but having been raised on an almost total visual diet of driftwood and White Company homewares I’m worried that they are simply far too middle class to tolerate the amount of beige laminate which makes up the interior. Nothing a few coats of paint wouldn’t fix, but like I said – ABSOLUTELY NOT to be undertaken by anyone with small children, better things to do, or indeed, any reliable form of social life.

On the other hand, if you’re the kind of person who likes to bake an egg inside an avocado, eat “clean”, sew bunting, create endless ironic pinterest boards of favourite beards and/or breton tops then this could well be just the ticket to while away those spare hours.

This apparently tows well, (although you will need a light board), does not leak, and quite frankly if you’re in the market for a shit caravan – this is the one for you!

Cash on collection, viewings welcome, no sex pests or weirdos, no refunds, absolutely no forward rolls. Call 01604 696907 with any questions

*EDIT – Free idiot husband for winning bidder

** FURTHER EDIT – IT has been brought to my attention that the “caravan” would also be suitable for use as a rolling meth lab.

Apologies for the omission.

Apologies to rolling meth lab workers offended by this omission.

Questions and Answers about this listing:

Q: Does this come with a free Tetanus injection?
A: Woefully, not.

Q: I see that this item is fairly local to me. Is it possible that you could move it further away please? Many thanks in advance.
A: HA!

Q: Have we reached the reserve yet?
A: I have revised my expectations. We now have some way to go.

Q: Looking for a seedy cheap looking porn set. Can you confirm how many middle-aged moustached German men can be ‘accommodated’ comfortably and can you confirm that the brown interior is 1970’s standard porn beigeA: I am afraid this caravan is MUCH TOO RICKETY to accommodate moustached German men. Danish, maybe. German – no.

Q: I notice it says, “May not post to Australia.” Is there a reason for this?
A: As everybody knows, Australia is a nation peopled almost ENTIRELY by criminals.

Q: Is this for real?
A: Yes Emma. This caravan actually exists, and I would like to sell it. I’m a bit unsure as to whether I will ever realise the current £70k high bid, but nevertheless – the caravan MUST GO.

Q: Being a suspicious type, I notice from your description that this – er – caravan has a roof and four walls. I wonder if you would have a suitable floor available as I wouldn’t want ‘things’ falling onto the road
A: Good point. Very good point.

Q: I have 6 juvenile bantam cockerels. Would you consider a swap?
A: 🙂 No. They sound like cocks.

Q: Do you have a buy it now price?
A: At current reckoning I’m considering letting it go for a a buy it now price of £100,000,000, plus a small tropical private island, personal account at Harrods and having my face burnished with solid gold. Let me know if you’re still interested.

Q: Dear Linzhead, I recently met an older woman through a friend of a friend. She is used to the finer things in life, designer clothes and first class travel. She spends most of her time getting letched on by stockbrokers and is currently on a one woman mission to rid the world of gin. I would like to show her how much pleasures could be gained from the simple things in life. Would this two wheeled abomination be a suitable way of showing her how us mere scumbag mortals spend our leisure time? Should I perhaps aim slightly more up market for fear of scaring her off and book us a self catering long weekend in the third circle of hell?
A: Save yourself the trouble and head for Kettering. (You’re welcome.)

Q: Hi, I have a suitably shite tow car I want to get rid of (broken and rusty) can we have your blokes details to dupe him into purchase please, its such a perfect combo.
A: I suspect he’s probably already bidding on it.

Q: Any chance you can try before you buy? I know a sordid dog that needs a good dose of murder. Cheers!
A: I think someone might have already beaten you to that particular pastime in this vehicle by the looks of things

Q: Would this be suitable for an Excorcism e.g. wipe-clean surfaces?
A: Yup. Deffo.

Q: Jeremy Clarkson and hi cohorts have recently signed a megabucks motoring show deal with Amazon. You should tweet him a link to the advert, he’s rolling in cash now and he’d probably enjoy dropping a Morris Minor onto your caravan.
A: Brilliant idea!

Q: Hi is the caravan suitable for cooking meth cheers
A: I would say so, but lots of the inside does look a bit flammable, so my advice would be to cook carefully.

Q: I have just googled Castle Ashby and it looks lovely. Would this caravan be available for rent for the last two weeks of September
A: Hold on while I check with Lord Compton…

Q: IF I buy it can I leave it parked at your place? I don’t want the people here in the Welsh Valleys to think I’m showing off.
A: 🙂

Q: Hi ok so my line of work involves wearing a ski mask and visiting camps in the woods. Would you describe this as a stabby stabby kind of caravan or more of a slasher slasher kind of abode? The answer is really important so answer carefully considering I like to use more of the machete kind of killy weapon. Your Mr Voorhees The Lake America
A: Hmmmm. Both probably. I should point out that I in NO WAY endorse murdering as a hobby.

Q: Do you think I could convert this into a caravan?
A: HAH! (almost definitely not)

Q: That’s brilliant, you should write a column for Viz!
A: Thanks! I do write a wordpress blog (called And Other Idiots) on more of our familial idiocy and other mishaps / failed projects / drunken purchases if you’re interested. It’s mostly swearing. Not sure what Ebay’s rules on this sort of thing are, but pretty sure this advert might fall foul of them at some point so feel free to recommend me to Viz if you know a way in…

Q: Would it burn well ?
A: If the winning bidder gets a bit shy about their £65,900 commitment, then we shall see…..!

Q: I cannot believe you had the audacity to start the bidding at 99p – have you no shame?
A: Erm. Nope. I actually started the bidding at £150, but then revised the listing as was told it was wildly ambitious. Currently, the highest bid is £65,800 though, so who’s laughing now mother hubbards???!

Q: What’s the hubby look like?
A: Like the drunken owner of this caravan

*** I got so so many hilarious questions, of which I answered a fraction on the original listing. Thanks for all the nice comments too.

Special thanks to the man who asked for naked pictures too, Well done you.

Hello John. I’m glad you’ve got in touch, and thanks for your outrageous bid on my shite caravan. I should let you know that I operate a ruthless ‘you bid / you buy’ policy for this sort of thing. Is it ok if I now pursue you for the full amount? Bitches gotta get PAID etc.

I for one thought it was a dream come true. Not my dream. of course, that would mean I had to admit to engaging in those illegal acts Ebary clearly frowns upon.
The advert was better though, the Q&A definitely had me tempted.
I want to know if you’re rich. Does Ebay compensate you for loss of sale? Considering it was over £69K the last time I looked, even a 10% compo deal would be a result.

I heard that e bay have taken the advert down; never mind, you set Britain laughing last night. Absolutely brilliant. Now waiting for the book. At the risk of repetition – absolutely brilliant, including the Q and A.

I’m sure there’s one burning question on everybody’s lips (well, it’s on MY lips anyway, and that’s what matters), and it concerns the money. Did you collect the cool three quarters of a mil? (people DO say ‘mil’ They also say ‘thou’ apparently, as an abbreviation of ‘thousand’ not the archaic word for’ ‘you’), because it would be a great ‘rags-to-riches’ story (not that you were in rags, as far as I’m aware…and I’m really not at all…aware, that is) if you did.

It appears that, in my excitement, I added a zero to your projected earnings from the sale, although a tenner is muy cheap by eBay standards! On a very, very serious note though, I think it’s brilliant that you’ve drummed up such a lot of interest in your blog…and probably upset eBay to boot! I keep setting up blogs, and then finding myself experiencing complete and utter mental vacuity, when it comes to writing actual words. On other people’s blogs, however, I could literally ramble on aimlessly for days…and days…and days (see?). Might you have any tips for a would-be blogger, I wonder?

I loved your advert, and I’d love to know how much it was going for before it came down as it’d reached 72k when I last checked (sadly taking it just out my budget as I was looking for just the right place to have my sordid affairs in!).
One thing though… while you did not endorse murder, there is an implied endorsement of dogging (which I think is also illegal).
Thanks for the giggle! I too look forward to the book 🙂

Have to say, I think you’re doing shit caravans a disservice. Ours is not as shit as yours mind you, but we bought it for £600 on gumtree, so you get the idea. We had a great couple of years holidays for peanuts (albeit mostly in the pissing rain), then spent a fortune this year taking our kids on “the holiday of a lifetime.” Our darling children, aged 15, 13 and 9, were walking around the theme park rated number1 in the world by trip advisor, moaning that they missed Devon. You can’t fucking win…….

Thanks – its so great that people tell me they like the blog, it’s really encouraging. Until a few weeks ago, I was fairly sure the only people who read it were members of my immediate family. Onwards, upwards etc.!

Came across an article about your caravan by random chance. Decided to look it up on eBay and found out that they are a bunch of corporate drones with no sense of humour and removed original listing.

Wish I was indpendently weathly because would buy it for insane amount just on principle.

Anyway, added your blog to my favorites.

I have no use for the caravan and having not long ago divorced to get rid of a wife I have no use for the husband either.

You might need to consider removing that piece of humour too before eBay reports you, and the CPS bring charges for People Trafficking. Although given your description of him, a good solicitor can probably get the charges knocked down to Illegal Dumping.

Having had a husband who bought a caravan for £62 pounds whilst I was in bed with tonsillitis, I can fully sympathise.
Said caravan had been used in a lambing field, so that the sheep could be watched at night “insert popular christmas carol here” so there was bits of hay all over.
Luckily the caravan was in rather better condition than yours and we did end up tiding it up and using it for a couple of years
We are looking for a new caravan, so if you see a bid from poetic_tal, please please delete it!!
Anyways, good luck with your auction
xx

Who is this idiot?

I'm a human, a lady, a mother of two. I have no spare time, but if I did I would fill it with worthwhile pursuits - juggling, knitting human hair into blankets, scratching the itches of others, dancing, hewing tables from slabs of rock; that sort of thing. Just your average dickhead really.