Saturday, August 21

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Well, in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

26. If you're going be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

27. Remember the 3 golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?

32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....

33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some ba*tard with a torch, bringing me more work.

35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

HowColourAffectsStressBLACK: The body may be less stimulated by black than by any other colors.BLUE: Blue may elevate mood.BROWN: Brown may be calming.GREEN: Green color may actually increase stress.PINK: Pink color may have such tranquillizing effects as lowering blood pressure, pulse rate and anxiety levels.RED: Research confirms that red is an arousing, stimulating color.
YELLOW: Yellow may reduce boredom

Wednesday, August 18

There were once two brothers who lived on the 80th floor of a tall building.
On coming home one day, they realize to their dismay that the lifts were not working and that they have to climb the stairs home. After struggling to the 20th level, panting and tired, they decide to abandon their bags and come back for them the next day. They leave their bags there and then climb on............
By the time they reach the 40th level, they feel mad and irritated. The younger brother starts grumbling and thus both of them began to quarrel.
However, they continue to climb the steps, quarreling all the way to the 60th floor.
Then they realize that now they have only 20 levels more to climb and decide to stop quarreling and continue climbing in peace.
They silently climb on and reach home at long last. Each stands calmly before the door and waits for the other to open the door. But then they realize that the key was in their bag which was left at the 20th floor.........
This story is a reflection on our life and times. All of us climb the tall building called life...........some till all the 80 floors and some less.
Many of us climb under the expectations of our companion. These companions are our friends and parents till the 20th floor, then our spouse and our dear ones till the next levels of the building. We seldom get to do the things that we really like and love and are under so much pressure and stress that by the age of 20, we get tired and decide to dump this load.
Being free, we work enthusiastically and dream ambitious wishes. By the time we reach 40 years old, we start to loose our vision and dreams.
We began to feel unsatisfied and start complaining and criticizing. We live a miserable life as we are never satisfied.
Reaching 60, we realize that we have little left for complaining anymore, and began to walk the final episode in peace and calmness. We think that there is nothing left to disappoint us, only to realize that we could not rest in peace because we have an unfulfilled dream..........a dream we abandoned 60 years ago. So what's your dream.....?
Know your dreams and follow it so that you will not live with regrets.Contributed By - Anand_Vishwakarma@infosys.com

Wednesday, August 11

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh

Guess what was the response!!!!!

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Monday, August 2

There was a couple who used to shop in a beautiful antique store. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially tea-cups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked "May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful." As the lady handed it to them suddenly the tea-cup spoke, "You don't understand." It said, "I have not always been a tea-cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, 'Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone', but he only smiled, and gently said; 'Not yet!!' "Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. 'Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!', I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly; 'Not yet.' He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then...... "Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. 'Help! Get me out of here!' I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, 'Not yet'. "When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! 'Ah, this is much better,' I thought. "But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. 'Oh, please stop it, Stop it!!' I cried. He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!'. "Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited ------- and waited, wondering what's he going to do to me next? "An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.' And I did. "I said, 'That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!"' "Quietly he spoke: I want you to remember, then,' he said, 'I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled'. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. 'I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.' The moral of this story is this: God knows what He's doing [for each of us]. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will. So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this.... Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story and then, have a little talk with the Potter....

( shared by paulette->beth->yahoo mail )

The human spirit cannot be paralyzed...If you are breathing...you can DREAM...

Madan Mohan Malviya was trying to build a good university; he had to overcome many difficulties and barriers. He worked with determination to start the university. There was a funds crisis; but he did not get disheartened. He went from town to town, met many rich people and traders to collect donations. He went to the King to request him for funds. The king was furious, 'How dare you come to me for funds... that too for a your university?' he roared with anger and took off his footwear and flung it at Malviya. Malviya picked up the footwear and left silently. He came directly to the market place and began to auction the footwear. As it was the king's footwear, many came forward to buy it. The price went up. When king heard of this, he became uneasy. He thought it would be an insult if his footwear were to be bought by someone for a pittance. So he sent one of his attendants with the instruction, 'Buy that footwear no matter what the bidding price be!' Thus, Malviya managed to sell the king's own footwear to him, for a huge amount. He used that money to build the Benares University known popularly as BHU. Moral: It is not what you have, but it is how you use what you have that makes the difference in your life.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer 'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Walmart.

Suppose the average human life in today's world is not more than 60 years. If you analyse the break-up of activities associated with these 60 years of your life, you can see that it more or less matches with the following:12 Years in Working22 Years in Sleeping04 Years in Routine Travelling05 Years in Eating03 Years in Bathing, Dressing etc...06 Years in Useless Chatting, Gossip04 Years in Sickness & IllnessBalance ? Only 4 YearsOur only question to one and all is, why should mankind think, involve in activities that result in sufferings, terror, hatred, fighting, killings etc... in the short span of 4 years left to them. It needs to be utilized in a better way by doing all good things, helping others and thanking God for the opportunity given to us in being a human being... Live and Let Live.