the love that dare not speak its name

When One Senator Loves Two Other Senators Very Much: The Lindsey Graham Story

Guess what? It is a new day, so it is time to talk about Lindsey Graham again. We will get to write about this until the end of time, apparently. This poses a problem for yr Wonkette because there are only so many old-timey gay ads we can use in stories about him. Fortunately, there is no dearth of pictures of Lindsey Graham looking fetchingly butch so we’re OK for a while. (Lowly not-editor’s note: isn’t that picture terrifying at that size???) The Senate’s most macho closeted Southerner went on Piers Morgan last night to talk about gay marriage, along with grumpy old men (and unrequited love interests of Lindsey Graham) John McCain and Joe Lieberman, because why not? We’ve watched all painful five minutes of this Huey, Dewey and Louie show so you don’t have to. Thank us later.

First Lindsey shares his thoughts about just how nice the gays can be:

You can be funny and charming and kind and be in love with someone of the same sex.

That is true! You can be funny and charming and kind and Southern and mildly old-man dapper and still be in love with someone of the same sex. Yes you can, Lindsey! Then things get a little weird and jesus-y and self-loathing though:

A lot of this is religious. In my state, we’re not going to change the traditional definition of marriage and I would support the traditional definition of marriage not out of hate but if I believe I think that it is just best for society.

Oh Lindsey. After that we get some mumbo jumbo from Walnuts and Droopy about states rights, and then Lindsey gets to the heart of what he really wants:

Beverly Hills surgeon explains at home fix for crepey skin around the arms, legs, and stomach.

Lindsey: If it is based on love, can three people love each other?

Morgan: Can three people love each other? Why would you need three people?

Lindsey: Well, is it possible for three people to genuinely love each other and want to share their lives together?

Morgan: Of course it is.

Whereupon Lindsey flung himself across both John McCain and Joe Lieberman singing “I’ve got two lovers, and I ain’t ashamed/Two lovers and I love ’em both the same.” OK, that part didn’t really happen BUT IT COULD HAVE.

So gays are nice, three people can love each other…pretty much settled, amirite? Everyone should get gay marryin’. Not so fast, says Lindsey:

“Can — can I suggest this? Slavery was outlawed by a Constitutional amendment. Go watch “Lincoln,” a great movie. The people decided. The question for us is who should decide these things? Should it be a handful of judges or should it be the people themselves? And I come out on the side of the people themselves. Different people will look at it differently. But slavery was outlawed by a Constitutional amendment. If you want to propose a Constitutional amendment legalizing same-sex marriage and it passes, that’s the law of the land.

Yes! Genius Plan! Let’s have another War Between the States, from which our national psyche will never really recover, and then after that we’ll pass a gay marriage amendment handily! First comes Antietam, then gay marriage. Coastal elites and homosexuals (REDUNDANT) start sharpening your scythes because none of you blue-state people have guns.

Slavery was outlawed by a Constitutional amendment. Go watch “Lincoln,” a great movie. The people decided.

Um, no. It was first outlawed by the Emancipation Proclamation, but Lindsey, I can understand how you missed that point in American history class, what with kneeling under the teacher's desk….

Guppy

Only in states in open rebellion, which meant there were still slaves to free in Maryland and Delaware, and in Missouri and Kentucky on every other day.

rickmaci

Really not Miss Lindzee's fault. My friends from all states east of the Mississippi and south of 40 degrees N. tell me they were taught every last fucking lyric ever written for the tune "Dixie" but the War of Southern Insurrection, not so much.

bikerlaureate

It would be asking too much for someone from that region who, y'know, wants to get involved with the legislative process – and who now has paid staffers to do his research for him – to further his own education. Unless it somehow served some entirely different purpose to spout inaccuracies, like a national disgrace…

FeloniousMonk

Oh, they know about the war, but it's the War of Northern Aggression.

The first year I spent in the US was as a graduate student at UT Austin. My office mate was a most agreeable chap, and smart enough to be working on a PhD in mathematics. One evening, for reasons I don't remember, he started talking about the War of Northern Aggression, and I'm pretty sure there was no irony at all in his use of the term. Showed me photos of the burning of Atlanta. Afterwards we went out to find fresh doughnuts*.

Thirty-five years on, and here I am living in Louisiana. Have I learnt nothing?

*Damn you, whatever spellchecking demon is operating here, I will not use "donuts".

rickmaci

LOL "donuts".

TavariousChinaSmith

Yes, Lindsey, a popular vote on human rights is really the only way. Can you also remember when the blacks foolishly but democratically voted themselves into slavery in the first place? Oh, history: who can figure it out?

Wow. I mean, that whole exchange between Piers Morgan and Lindsey Graham sounded a lot like a guy sitting with his dad, about to come out to his family (who sort of knew it anyway but were too polite to scare the little feller.)

"Dad, if I was gay, you'd still love me, right?"

noodlesalad

The people decided to get rid of slavery! The white, male, landholding people of the north states, during war and the temporary secession of the southern states! The people decided, I tells ya! And then blacks were equal forever the end.

Geminisunmars

The peeps are always right. Or they used to be, before they were allowed to have vjayjays or pigmentation. Or their zip code begin with a 2 or 3.

SmutBoffin

I ate some chicken sandwiches. Therefore, gays cannot get married.

Checkmate, homosexualists!

BornInATrailer

Too bad it wasn't still Larry King. That would have made for one star-studded lemon party.

prommie

Well, I guess its an apt analogy, like slavery, gay marriage is a "peculiar institution." But, so is straight marriage, so I don't see what point he proves.

BadKitty904

Right. So, if "the people decided" to keep slavery, it'd then be all OK?

SoBeach

You bet. We are endowed by the voters with certain inalienable rights.

FakaktaSouth

Well yeah, if by peculiar you mean ridiculous, a pain in the ass to get out of, and/or will eventually kill you.

gullywompr

Amen sister, but you left out soul-crushing.

prommie

If you are Chris Christie's wife, it will crush more than your soul!

prommie

I were just using the term the slave-owners themselves preferred. It always struck me as peculiar, that they called it their "peculiar institution." According to the questionable information my box produced after I finger-punched it (wiki): "(Our) peculiar institution" was a euphemism for slavery and the economic ramifications of it in the American South. The meaning of "peculiar" in this expression is "one's own", that is, referring to something distinctive to or characteristic of a particular place or people. The proper use of the expression is always as a possessive, e.g., "our peculiar institution" or "the South's peculiar institution". It was in popular use during the first half of the 19th century, especially in legislative bodies, as the word slavery was deemed "improper," and was actually banned in certain areas.

FakaktaSouth

Dude, trust me, I get the reference. I'm just saying we had the good sense to outlaw slavery, but somehow marriage is still just hanging around.

prommie

What you mean "we," Kemosabe? BTW, aint this cool, Quenton Tarantino has now done given slave-owners the same treatment he gave the Nazis in Inglourious Basterds, and my are the descendants of the slave-owners just stomping their little feet in rage!

FakaktaSouth

Um, kiss my ass, I am an American my dear – and that would be what we outlawed that shit. Course, I ain't stomping my feet over nothing – and oh yes, I'm a descendent of the evilest of the evil on my Mama's side – Quentin can't make em look bad enough.

Boojum

I want to hear more about outlawing marriage.

sullivanst

and my are the descendants of the slave-owners just stomping their little feet in rage!

How white is that?
— not Jamie Foxx

prommie

In fairness, I should also note that New Jersey also has its own peculiar institution, "our thing," or, in the original, "cosa nostra."

Negropolis

Hey, if I had to choose between the Klan and the Mafia, it's not even a choice. Plus, the Mafia has better food.

Lizzietish81

"Why would you need three people? "

True, sometimes the third person does get in the way.

BornInATrailer

How creepy would it have been if Droopy suddenly woke up and answered "How else are you going to do a spit-roast?"

As long as you pretend there was no such thing as the emancipation proclamation, sure.

So yeah, let's have a presidential decree legalizing same sex marriage. The rest of the country can get around to a constitutional amendment in due time.

chicken_thief

He kinda smoothes over the part where half the men in the south were killed and a shit load of the property burned.

Geminisunmars

That is one way the people spoke.

ProgressiveInga

"Let’s have another War Between the States, from which our national psyche will never really recover…

I live in Atlanta, should I 'up' my fire insurance?

BornInATrailer

Actually, this Sherman's March is probably more likely to result in some dudes putting up better windows treatments and some gals rebuilding your deck.

BaldarTFlagass

OT, the 65-year-old right-wing Foxtard real estate guy that I talked to on Election Day who went off on Obama golfing 110 times and dropped N-bombs and predicted a Romney landslide and all that just called and apologized. And he's got my 5 grand, too. Merry Holidays!!!

ProgressiveInga

Sounds like a 9th Step. In my experience, they usually come after the holidays. Congrats!

BadKitty904

Ha!

emmelemm

Time out, time out. Did you actually bet a dude $5,000 on the Presidential election? And he's PAYING UP?

Sorry, I can see how you might take that away from my post, but actually he bought some property from me and the 5K is the final payment. No way he could stiff me, because I still hold the title and I let him put a bunch of his stuff in the barn, including an old corvette, which would become mine if he tried to fuck me over.

littlebigdaddy

"So gays are nice, three people can love each other…" Video to follow? Please God no!

HistoriCat

Do we get to pick the three people in question?

BornInATrailer

I feel really bad for whatever poor janitorial services person had to clean that green room.

#tcot

It's only green on the outside, red on the inside…

BaldarTFlagass

With these three in one room together, I just bet the walls are dripping with pheromones and testosterone.

The fuck you mean "who gets to decide"? Each person, you repressed asshole, that's who!

BadKitty904

What is this, a free country or something?!

gullywompr

Lindz is all "Who do you want to decide, a few judges or the people?" To me "the people" is just a larger number of judges, and the entire case ought to be thrown out of court anyway – (no probable cause).

BadKitty904

To me, it goes back a bit further to the whole "all men are created equal"/"unalienable rights" thing. Now, where did I see that, again?

Nostrildamus

“I’ve got two lovers, and I ain’t ashamed/Two lovers and I love ‘em both the same.”

Lindsey is correct. Human rights are God-given. In other words, they should be the product of popularity contests, or "elections." The majority should make decisions about what rights the minorities should have.

Joe, John, and Lindsey may be making a "sandwich" themselves, if you know what I mean, *wink*.

drbill0620

Well, they certainly make a cute couple. No, wait – they make a cute triple or something like that.

Makes me wonder what would happen if they fell in love with their dog??

BadKitty904

I dunno – I, personally, hold certain truths to be self-evident…like all men being created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, and that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

We will get to write about this until the end of time, apparently. This poses a problem for yr Wonkette because there are only so many old-timey gay ads we can use in stories about him.

If I may make a suggestion, you could always follow in Doktor Zoom's footsteps, and pick an annoying fandom whose image macros you will use for stock images in a pinch. MLP is already taken, may I suggest Homestuck or Hetalia?

Can we have a "hooray" for the fact that Vinegar Joe will be out of the senate soon? Then Miz Lindsey will only have one senator friend to love.

sullivanst

Hoo-fucking-RAY!

southernboyman

I can just see Miss Lindsey in a top hat, spats, and a cane…singing about 3 ways…

BadKitty904

I'd SO rather not see that, dude…

rmjagg

the liza minelli of the senate

BaldarTFlagass

Hey, it works for American Idol.

SoBeach

If you want to propose a Constitutional amendment legalizing same-sex marriage and it passes, that’s the law of the land.

Yeah. YEAH! Because the preamble to the Declaration of Independence wasn't clear.

bikerlaureate

Oh, sure, let's just ignore how nuanced the definition of "people" can be…

BaldarTFlagass

Hey Lindsey: Go watch Django. Fuck you.

chicken_thief

"Different people will look at it differently."

Correct-o-mundo, Miss Lindsay! I look at *it* intently, sometimes with binoculars. You usually look at it while tied up and with a nut sack across your face.

rmjagg

with a ball gag made of jockstraps

kyeshinka

Ol' Joe may be a lover, but he ain't no dancer.
Boozy boo boo booooo.

Ruhe

"Can three people love each other?"…?!?!? And the implication is that if you permit same sex marriage the next thing you'll have is various forms of polygamy? I won't bother to contest the logic there but I'm just curious as to how this new meme has replaced the old, more vulgar argument that same sex marriage opens the door for everything from Man/boy love to state sanctioned bestiality. "Can a man love his dog, Piers?"

mormos

"Can three people love each other?"
"of course they can"

I wish someone would tell that to my girlfriend…

gullywompr

I did. She didn't mention it?

BadKitty904

So. Graham, McCain, and Liberman were all on the same show, at the same time. And the set fell on some Rmoney minion on a *different* show???

Proper biblical marriages were always between one man, one or more women, and possibly a pillar of salt.

Guppy

Hey now, Sarah was only Abraham's half-sister! Totally doesn't count!

drbill0620

That Miss Betty is really something – puts all those holy roller jeebus lovers in their place.

Can't wait to see her video on abortion!!

glasspusher

Oh, and Lindsey, polygamy is typically practiced by one man and several women, something you would know nothing about.

owhatever

Now Lindsey has this vision of a threesome stuck in his mind and he can't get rid of the thought. If John would agree, he just knows Joe would go for it. Maybe as a surprise Christmas gift, with leather and silk.

“Can — can I suggest this? Slavery was outlawed by a Constitutional amendment. Go watch “Lincoln,” a great movie. The people decided.

Uh — the only reason the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments passed was because ten states were forced to vote for them because they lost the damn war. Besides, if it's a religious issue as he says, then the state has no right to keep a church from conducting gay marriages, does it?

sullivanst

Fortunately, there is no dearth of pictures of Lindsey Graham looking fetchingly butch so we’re OK for a while. (Lowly not-editor’s note: isn’t that picture terrifying at that size???)

Is it just me, or does Miss Lindsay's grin in that pic say "I've fucked more guys in my life than these three fine looking young women will in theirs… combined"?

It depends — if you're enslaving blacks, women or some other minority, you can probably find a state (cough cough Texas) where the authorities look the other way. But if you're thinking of enslaving people with affordable healthcare then get your damn commie self to whatever civilized nation your ancestors came from.

emmelemm

If only Finland would have me. (And I spoke Finnish.)

LesBontemps

(Lowly not-editor’s note: isn’t that picture terrifying at that size???)

Miss North Cackalacky damn near poked my eye out.

moseszd

Actually, yes, I have a gun. I have no bullets, though. And I should probably take it to the gunsmith for a good cleaning and check-up because it hasn't been out of its case since 1983, when I got out of the military.

The most confusing part about a Graham-McCain-Lieberman match made in heaven is figuring out which one gets to be the bitch. But I'd better let them work that out amongst themselves before I think about it for one more second and develop some sort of reflexive flinch.

On the bright side, Meghan Has Three Daddies would make a great children's book title.

sati_demise

McCain is ALWAYS the bitch. I thought everyone knew!

Dashboard Buddha

" fetchingly butch"

That smile so much says, "your breasts have no power here, girls".

DahBoner

Wait! I thought there was no more TWINKIES…

BadKitty904

While it sometimes has a voluntary, religious "gloss," marriage is, in fact, a legal contract. Period. Marriage licenses are issued by the State, not by the Church.

The right to enter into this contract, like any other right of an American citizen, is *NOT* "faith-based" or subject to the dictates of any religion.

sati_demise

"The question for us is who should decide these things? Should it be a handful of judges or should it be the people themselves?"

Looks like little Linsey has a secret crush on Albert Gore.

HarryButtle

A plane crashing into the set of the Piers Morgan Show during this interview would have gone a long way toward convincing me that there is, in fact, a God.

Wile E. Quixote

A plane crashing into the set of the Piers Morgan Show during *any* of his rimjobs "interviews", would go a long way towards convincing me that there is, in fact, a God.

Wile E. Quixote

I caught that interview when I was at the gym last night and once again I wondered why anyone thinks that CNN is liberal given their hiring of Erick Erickson and Piers Morgan's giving rimjobs to conservatives.

You have to admit, a Gay Civil War would be just fabulous! I'm sure the uniforms would be much better than before, and who would want to miss out on the battle between an old Carolinian queer and a muscle boy from San Francisco.

Cleopatriot

Let's vote on Lindsey Graham's rights! With votes!

rickmaci

"Well, is it possible for three people to genuinely love each other and want to share their lives together?"

Wait a minute, I cant believe the Mormons are now OK with polygamous gay marriage!!

Wow, a lemon party with hambiscuits and some kind of altar or something.. Hawt!

Walkinwiddaking

"Morgan: Can three people love each other? Why would you need three people?

Lindsey: Well, is it possible for three people to genuinely love each other and want to share their lives together?

Morgan: Of course it is."

WTF. Over.

DemonicRage

Why should these three people have the right to stomp on the fingers of loving couples trying to sign a marriage license? Look at them! The wattles on Jomentum's chins. The weird puffed out chipmunk cheeks of the Palin Enabler. Miss Lindsey's sad, drooping flesh on both sides of his lips. What an unappealing trio of losers!

"Go watch 'Lincoln,'?? was Missy Lindsay on a publicity tour for the film?

Negropolis

all painful five minutes of this Huey, Dewey and Louie show

You have besmirched the good name of these ducklings.

BTW, let them keep thinking we don't have guns. If Detroiters and Yoopers have nothing else in common it is guns.

Negropolis

Did he catch on spontaneously combust after he said these things? Because if he didn't, there is no god.

Can — can I suggest this? Slavery was outlawed by a Constitutional amendment. Go watch “Lincoln,” a great movie. The people decided.

The people did decide…after the bloodiest war in American history.

Smithboy

Joe Lieberman's poodle seems a bit uncomfortable talking about homosexuals, you know how pure Republicans are. He and Lieberman are more in their comfort zone talking about killing Muslims and defending Israel from the might Palestinian army and their rock throwers.

ttommyunger

Not shown during this tete a tete: both Piers' and Miss Lindsey's massive boners.