Ground Control

Issue 11

By Phoenix Flyer

Posted about 3 months ago|Comments Off on Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

What should I bring to college? I’m confused.

Sincerely,

Stumped Senior

Dear Senior,

I have surveyed every college student I could find on campus, and, after some serious deliberation and very long and difficult calculus-based quantum mechanical rocket physics moon landing geometriculumy trajectory integrated molecular biology derivative science calculations, I have created an optimized packing list so you can really get the most out of your college experience. Here is everything you’ll need to survive the next four years (some say they’re the most important years of your life):

– 997 glow sticks.

Sincerely,

Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

No one can spell my name right. It’s been four years, and I’m still getting spellings and pronunciations that aren’t even close.

Sincerely,

Minced Mike

Dear Moch,

Let me tell you about my friend Vredevroom. Vredevacuum has the problem that you have. Vredezoom has tried every tactic. Vredevoltmeter always introduces himself by his full name “****** (obscured for his privacy) Vriceberg.” Vredegoober likes to try to explain how to pronounce his name by rhyming, but people can’t seem to get the hang of “bray-da-broom.” Vredenoodle tried wearing a nametag, but he accidentally spelled his own name “Verygood” on it. Vredecrepe entered the spelling bee, instead of spelling his word, he spelled his name. The judges kicked him out for “spelling it wrong” even though he spelled it right this time.