One did duck; he was the Irishman who walked out alive dancing the Irish jig.

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The memory of God should be treasured in our hearts like the precious pearl mentioned in the Holy Gospel. Our life's goal should be to nurture and contemplate God always within, and never let it depart, for this steadfastness will drive demons away from us. - Paraphrased from St. Philotheus of Sinai Writings from the Philokalia: On Prayer of the Heart,Translated from the Russian by E. Kadloubovksy and G.E.H. Palmer, Faber and Faber, London, Boston, 1992 printing.

A Muslim was bragging to an Orthodox Christian about fasting in the Islamic tradition. "You Christians have it so easy, you can eat practically whatever and whenever you want, while we have to go without eating from sunrise to sunset. We definitely show greater devotion in our fasting."

"Not so," replied the Christian. "Each fasts according to his own spiritual level and ability, set by his father of confession." There are in fact Christians that fast sunrise to sunset."

Hearing this, the Muslim said, "I bet you don't fast more days than us though. How about this, for every day that Muslims fast, I get to slap you in the face, and you can do the same for me." The Christian agreed.

"We have the Ramadan fast, a whole month. That's 30 slaps." So the Muslim slapped the Christian on the face 30 times. "Your turn."

The Christian started: "First we have the fast of Saint Mary, that's 2 weeks. But I won't slap you for those. Then we have 43 days for the Nativity fast, but we'll hold those for now as well. The apostles fast varies from year to year, it can be between 30 and 50 days, but we won't count them. Then we have Jonah's fast, three days. That's not a lot so I won't count them. Then we have Lent. 55 days. But I'll tell you what, we'll leave those too."

The Muslim was relieved. That would have been a lot of slaps. However, he cautiously asked, "Is there more?"

With a smile, the Christian raised his hand, and with each slap cried, "Wednesday! Friday! Wednesday! Friday! Wednesday!...."

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“Many times I spoke, and as a result felt sorry, but I never regretted my silence.” -Saint Arsenius the Great

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found. Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found. Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware. But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.

Quote

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.! WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I see nothing but a clever play on words in this one:

" Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."

I heard something similar. A man asks if he could cross the farmer's field in ten minutes in order to save time getting to his destination because he was running late. The old farmer says, "Yeah, you could get across my field in ten minutes, and if my bull sees you, you could get across in one."

There was a grade school science class. The teacher asked if anyone could give her the chemical formula for water. One student replied, "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O." The teacher was puzzled and asked, "Where did you get that?" The student replied, "Last week you told us it was H to O."

There was a grade school science class. The teacher asked if anyone could give her the chemical formula for water. One student replied, "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O." The teacher was puzzled and asked, "Where did you get that?" The student replied, "Last week you told us it was H to O."

Cute.

Logged

The memory of God should be treasured in our hearts like the precious pearl mentioned in the Holy Gospel. Our life's goal should be to nurture and contemplate God always within, and never let it depart, for this steadfastness will drive demons away from us. - Paraphrased from St. Philotheus of Sinai Writings from the Philokalia: On Prayer of the Heart,Translated from the Russian by E. Kadloubovksy and G.E.H. Palmer, Faber and Faber, London, Boston, 1992 printing.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who can watch the watchmen?"No one is paying attention to your post reports"Why do posters that claim to have me blocked keep sending me pms and responding to my posts? That makes no sense.

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've ruined everything"!

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who can watch the watchmen?"No one is paying attention to your post reports"Why do posters that claim to have me blocked keep sending me pms and responding to my posts? That makes no sense.

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've ruined everything"!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"Hell No, I didn’t, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hey, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

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Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.—St. Isaac of Syria

Hmmm....seems we must have a "friend" in common, because that's exactly where I got it from.

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Conquer evil men by your gentle kindness, and make zealous men wonder at your goodness. Put the lover of legality to shame by your compassion. With the afflicted be afflicted in mind. Love all men, but keep distant from all men.—St. Isaac of Syria

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who can watch the watchmen?"No one is paying attention to your post reports"Why do posters that claim to have me blocked keep sending me pms and responding to my posts? That makes no sense.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who can watch the watchmen?"No one is paying attention to your post reports"Why do posters that claim to have me blocked keep sending me pms and responding to my posts? That makes no sense.

That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish. There's some pretty decent literature out there about the roots of the superhero in the Jewish-American experience, although most of the characters themselves are Christian. Eliot S! Maggin argued that the Kryptonian religion Superman followed (as opposed to the Methodism Clark Kent followed) was basically Judaism in space. And Fantastic Four's the Thing is a practicing Jew. A picture of him is actually in display in the late Jack Kirby's synagogue.

And no, I can't accept a post mentioning superheroes without saying something like this.

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"Some have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at pleasure, so as to produce the effect of singing."- St. Augustine of Hippo

"Spider-Man" is hyphenated. That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish. There's some pretty decent literature out there about the roots of the superhero in the Jewish-American experience, although most of the characters themselves are Christian. Eliot S! Maggin argued that the Kryptonian religion Superman followed (as opposed to the Methodism Clark Kent followed) was basically Judaism in space. And Fantastic Four's the Thing is a practicing Jew. A picture of him is actually in display in the late Jack Kirby's synagogue.

And no, I can't accept a post mentioning superheroes without saying something like this.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who can watch the watchmen?"No one is paying attention to your post reports"Why do posters that claim to have me blocked keep sending me pms and responding to my posts? That makes no sense.

For some of you it can be considered insulting, but I do not want to insult anyone and only write it for fun. I've heard it from an EO Deacon, who heard it from a RC Priest.

As it's summer Holy Trinity gathers to discuss where to spend holidays.- Let's go to the Egypt. - proposed God the Son - there are plenty of beautiful pyramids. I remember I enjoyed them when I was there as a Child.- No way! - said God the Father - there is boiling hot. I'm old and bearded and it will be to hard for Me to stand it. Let's go to Palestine.- I disagree. - said God the Son - It brings back bad memories for me. What about Rome? It's very popular now.- Yes! Yes! - shouted God the Holy Spirit in a figure of a Dove, flapping It's wings with enthusiasm - I've not been there since 11th century!

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who can watch the watchmen?"No one is paying attention to your post reports"Why do posters that claim to have me blocked keep sending me pms and responding to my posts? That makes no sense.

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".

I'll raise ya (and this is a true story, not a joke):

A newly-assigned priest was visiting all the houses in the neighborhood to introduce himself. If nobody was home, he'd leave a card with his details, and this, written on it: Rev. 3: 20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

A couple of days later, the priest found a card in his mailbox, with nothing on it but a scripture reference: Gen. 3:10. He went inside, and looked it up: I heard Thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

One man wanted to telegram greetings for his newly married friends. He felt that a Bible verse would be suitable, to be more precise: 1 John 4, 18: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.".

The quote was too long for a telegram, so he sent only a siglum. Accidentally, the first character was lost and they received telegram: "John 4, 18" that leads to: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.".

I'll raise ya (and this is a true story, not a joke):

A newly-assigned priest was visiting all the houses in the neighborhood to introduce himself. If nobody was home, he'd leave a card with his details, and this, written on it: Rev. 3: 20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

A couple of days later, the priest found a card in his mailbox, with nothing on it but a scripture reference: Gen. 3:10. He went inside, and looked it up: I heard Thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

Back when I was in the business of delivering pizzas, we had this one customer who, when we delivered a pizza to him, would hide behind his door because he was naked from the waist down. Kinda freaked out our female drivers. I'm not kidding.

Back when I was in the business of delivering pizzas, we had this one customer who, when we delivered a pizza to him, would hide behind his door because he was naked from the waist down. Kinda freaked out our female drivers. I'm not kidding.

Renting a flat on the 1st floor I'm trying to stop practicing the custom of having a breakfast in underwear (I sleep that way). The looks elderly ladies give me from the windows are kinda disturbing.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who can watch the watchmen?"No one is paying attention to your post reports"Why do posters that claim to have me blocked keep sending me pms and responding to my posts? That makes no sense.

That being said, a lot of the real pioneers of comics, like Siegel, Schuster, Simon, Kirby, and Lee were Jewish.

Ha! I always thought that "Superman" sounds like a Jewish surname. Shlomo Batman, a Gotham millionaire of a family that owns half the city's industry. Yup, now it all makes sense.

C'mon, his kryptonian name is Kal-El, of the El family. His father is Jor-El. "El" is actually a word for God and its use as a suffix is common in angel names: Mika-el, Rapha-el, Uri-el, Gabri-el.

Logged

Many Energies, 3 Persons, 2 Natures, 1 God, 1 Church, 1 Baptism, and 1 Cup. The Son begotten only from the Father, the Spirit proceeding only from the Father, Each glorifying the Other. The Son sends the Spirit, the Spirit Reveals the Son, the Father is seen in the Son. The Spirit spoke through the Prophets and Fathers and does so even today.

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Suddenly one stone thrown from the back hit that woman and hit her in her had. Jesus, with a voice of resignation said, "Mom, you've ruined everything"!

I know a version of that with slightly different wording. Same first part, then...

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who never erred be the first to throw a stone at her.”

A Portuguese (or any stereotype who plays the silly role in your culture) then throws a brick at her, crushing her skull. Jesus then asked him "Manuel, have you never erred?" He replied: "Not from this distance Lord"

Logged

Many Energies, 3 Persons, 2 Natures, 1 God, 1 Church, 1 Baptism, and 1 Cup. The Son begotten only from the Father, the Spirit proceeding only from the Father, Each glorifying the Other. The Son sends the Spirit, the Spirit Reveals the Son, the Father is seen in the Son. The Spirit spoke through the Prophets and Fathers and does so even today.

ATHENS, Greece -- As construction crews prepare the ground for the2004 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee is puttingfinishing touches on a new set of games for this Orthodox city:

Liturgical Olympics.

Here are some of the top sports:

Russians are the favorites in the Censer Swing, a gymnastic sportof timing and grace, in which priests and deacons compete to makethe most intricate formations with the smoke and movement of thecenser. Points off for setting vestments on fire.

Georgians and Bulgarians are expected to be top competitors in theLong Note: a track and field event to see who can hold a note thelongest. There are individual, team and relay heats. Points off forflatting.

Greeks are taking top odds in Speed Liturgy, another track andfield event, in which priest, deacon and choir compete for thespeediest liturgy. Judges will be listening carefully to see ifanything is left out.

It's an open field in Altar Boy Synchronization, in which teams ofaltar servers move in synchronized motion with candles, icons, fansand censers. Nike and Adidas are in a bidding war over who willprovide team shoes.

Americans are expected to be major contenders in Canon Tossing andthe heavier-weight Anathema Hurling. There will be individual, teamand relay heats in this event as well, with points off for playershitting their own teams and fans.

Other events will include Bishop Vesting, High Note, Low Note andCountertenor, and Distance Sprinkling.

Excitement is building as Orthodox Olympians around the worldprepare for these events.

Engineers on a trainThree engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.

The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.

As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket! After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.

One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."

John Smith invited his mother over for dinner, and during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate Sarah was. Mrs. Smith had long suspected a relationship between John and Sarah, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening the suspicions of Mrs. Smith started to become obvious to John. Reading his mom's thoughts, John said abruptly: “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Sarah and I are just roommates”.

About a week later, Sarah said to John: “Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose your mother took it do you?” John said, “Well I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure”.

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received an email from his mother that read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sarah, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sarah, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Two guys are painting the ceiling of a Catholic church when they look down and see a little old lady kneeling in deep prayer, eyes closed. One of the painters, being mischievous, says in a deep voice, "Lady, This is Jesus speaking to you." Nothing happens, so he says again, "Woman, this is Jesus speaking to you." Finally the lady, still in prayer, eyes closed, says, "Shut up! I'm speaking to your Mother!"

« Last Edit: December 14, 2012, 04:12:27 PM by Jetavan »

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If you will, you can become all flame.Extra caritatem nulla salus.In order to become whole, take the "I" out of "holiness". सर्वभूतहितἌνω σχῶμεν τὰς καρδίας"Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is." -- Mohandas GandhiY dduw bo'r diolch.