My last 10 days of intimacy have been spread over, maybe 2-3 years, and similar before that. I pray for a change every day. 18 months ago I was so depressed over primarily this I ended up in the ER due to a panic attack/moment (got records to prove it).

So yeah won’t be doing 10 days sorry. Appears the only people who will be are the ones who already have a decent sex life, as there’s no way you can convince an unwilling spouse to take part. Period.

@Kwala Sorry to hear that about your marriage. You still need to fight for your marriage and do what you can to change your self and see where you can improve your love to God and for your spouse. I would also say you and your spouse need to get some counseling on this problem.

Kwala,
You nailed it. The 10 Day Challenge does not fix or repair marriages when there is an absence of sexual intimacy. The key here is to grow something that is there. I would encourage you to look at the “Choose your path to the 10 Day Challenge” post, it has some ideas on if this challenge is even for you.

William,
I’m sorry to hear what is clearly desperation. I would agree that the 10 Day Challenge doesn’t sound like it will be for you this year. That doesn’t mean there isn’t anything that you can do. You need to get to the bottom of the absence of sexual intimacy. Does your wife feel “connected”? Does she feel the emotional intimacy? Does she feel loved and cherished? These are very important parts of growing towards sexual intimacy. It isn’t an easy road to be on. We frequently write on this topic so feel free to check out some of our other posts. God Bless!

I’m sorry my desperation was so apparent before. It has been a rough season. I took your comment to heart and did some more soul searching (both mine and hers) and you’re right, there is an emotional disconnect that extends deeper than I could have imagined. The 10 Day Challenge may not be for us this year, but it has spurred me to accept my own challenge: to foster the emotional connection that has been absent from my marriage since day 1. Looking forward to the 10 Day Challenge in 2016, by God’s grace!

I just wanted to chime in. I was one of those wives who for years would not have been on board with this. It all starts outside the bedroom. You need to work on communication. She needs to feel connected to you outside of the bedroom. I would definitely recommend learning each other’s love languages and work towards showing love that way to your spouse. I find that men are not good at really explaining why they need sex from their wives. For years I just felt like he was crazy! I was not connected with him and did not understand that physical touch was his love language, he probably did not know either 🙂 You need to recommit to love each other and want to work on your marriage and be selfless. Good luck to everyone!

Katie,
Thank you so much for your comment! We often hear from men or women who are desperate for the sexual intimacy in their marriage to increase. They often feel it is helpless, that there is nothing they can do! They’ve tried to beg for it, they have tried to demand it, but those tactics don’t work! It is refreshing to hear that sometimes the hard work of meeting the OTHERS needs first does make changes!

We’d be in, but the last time we were sexually intimate that often was on our honeymoon 48 years ago. (13xin7) We’re at the point where the stuff we used to do all nite now takes us all nite to do, then we recuperate for the next 10 days.

7 years ago I “fell” into a pit that became what I now call my “Gift of Desperation”. Fortunately, our church had just started CELEBRATE RECOVERY.

I’ll shout it from the rooftop: THERE IS HOPE FOR CHANGE!!!

The amazing part of my journey has been that the more I let God work on and change ME, the better SHE gets.

10 Day Sex Challenge?? We would if we could. But let me say that at the age of 69, we have more intimacy in our relationship than ever. I don’t remember where I got it, but I like this: P.I.E.S.

P.hysical
I.ntellectual
E.motional
S.piritual

Our pie is balanced. The crust is our friendship.

Thx, Brad,Kate! U2 have been a great help for us learning that PIES is more than just desert.

Hi Jimdcat! Thanks for being honest and sharing. We completely understand that the challenge is NOT for everyone! I love that you said, “The amazing part of my journey has been that the more I let God work on and change ME, the better SHE gets.” That is one of the things we CANNOT say enough! Work on you and let God work on your spouse. It is not a guarantee, but many times your spouse will start to work on themselves too. Great, great marriage truth! Thank you for sharing that. Also the 4 areas intimacy that we talk about are just 4 you have listed! You cannot focus on only one area or stress one area over the others. You have to be intentional about working on all 4 areas! Otherwise sex, will just feel like you are going through the motions.

We so appreciate you stopping by and sharing. Keep following where God is leading in your marriage and sexual intimacy! Blessings, Kate

My wife are definitely in! We’ve been “in training” so to speak…lol. We’ve been talking about the challenges, physical, emotional, and spiritual. The physical will be a great challenge for us. But we are looking forward to it.

Awesome Jeff, glad to have you and your wife join us! What is even more amazing is that you guys are talking about it. Communication in, around and through this challenge and marriage in general is so key! Thanks for sharing and for joining us, we appreciate you! Blessings, Kate

We are in! Coming from the brink of divorce, I have been amazed at how much sex helps a marriage! It really does help everything else. The physical intimacy helps us build emotional intimacy…which has helped communication and trust.
And I held out for years? Why??

Hi Heidi, so glad to have you joining us. Man, do I wish everyone could read your comment. There is so much truth and wisdom in it, that you have discovered through your experience. Sex is not everything and not an end all-but it is very, very special. It is the one thing God gives us that is so special and different from every other relationship we have. The marriage relationship is special and he gave us a beautiful, fun, sensual way to express that love! Thank you for sharing and for joining us! Blessings, Kate

Thank you, Kate. We are so excited to see what God is doing in our marriage! It is a miracle that I just want to shout from the rooftops! Never did it occur to me that sex played such a vital part of our marriage until God showed me. So many marriages can be so much closer if we just follow Him. Happy Valentine’s Day!

We are definitely in! In fact, last year we even did an extra 10 day challenge of our own in August and this year we hope to do it quarterly! We have yet to actually hit all 10 days for any of the challenges (due to physical limitations or one of us leaving town) but they have been a wonderful experience for us WAY beyond just having sex. It has opened my bride’s eyes to physical ability that she didn’t think she had and shown her that I do become a better person when not stressed about sex.
The first year it helped me “fill my bucket” emotionally to get through the lack of sex that was in our marriage then. But as our marriage has improved I have seen real growth in my self during the challenges beyond the sexual.
To those who say their spouse will never agree to it: my heart goes out to you. A few years ago I would have thought the same about my bride. I’ve been in that pit. Thankfully, God can overcome anything. It has been, and will continue to be, a long road for us, but we are finally walking it together.

Dave, reading your comment brings a smile to my face and Praises to my lips! God is good and faithful. I am thankful you were willing to share and be open. The 10 Day Challenge always teaches Brad and I something new as well as bringing new and different levels of intimacy. I praise God with you and your wife as you rejoice in where you are now. Those who have struggled deeply with sexual intimacy (like Brad and I), know that it is always going to be a road we have to be intentional on, but also we know what an amazing blessing that time of giving to one another is. Thanks again for sharing. Blessings to you and your wife! Kate

Hi Adam! Yes we have done the 14 days leading up to Valentine’s day in the past. My hubby wanted to give it a try this way, this year. 🙂 So here we go. But really you can do a 10 day challenge whenever you want! Have fun and check back for prizes! Blessings, Kate

This will be our third round with your 10 day challenge. It would have been 4 but I was horribly sick in my first trimester one of those years. Man, the timing is so good. All our patterns and routines got out of whack through the holidays and we still haven’t gotten back on track. I’m looking forward to it! Whenever I remind hubby it’s time for the 10 day challenge, he grins. 🙂

We’re doing it! But we will have to split the challenge in two, due to my work where I’m never at home more than 4-5 nights in a row and then out of town for 4 days. It will still be an interesting challenge for us…

I just checked with the boss and we’re in. Our life is crazy this year (okay, it’s -every- year nowadays) so we’ll do the best we can.

(Married over 33 years. Resurrected, not quite two years ago now).

For way, way too many years, I thought that I was deprived (and I was), but I still didn’t really have -any- idea just how much joy, connection, love, one-ness, forgiveness and treasuring grow out of real, intense and frequent sexual communion. God gave us sex for a very good reason.

Hi Baldy! Thank you for sharing. You are so right, in that we sometimes miss how much connection God intended through sex. I praise God with you, that you guys have seem restoration and healing. We have a similar story and I am so thankful for what God has worked out in us!

Remember although we challenge you all to the 10 days, it is not about making or not making the 10 days. It is about being intentional with one another as you seek to make sex a priority! Asking God to reveal to you the truths he desires during the challenge. Seeking him on how you can love your spouse better and have a servants heart!

We are so thankful to have you on this journey with us! Blessings, Kate

Thank you Kate and Brad for giving this gift to all. My Wife and I are blessed with a Holy Matrimony that we give back to God daily. She truly is my best friend. We see the same spirit over the two of you and are more than willing to join with your ministry of strengthening marriage. My Wife and I are in.

Hi Chris & Michelle! Thanks so much for your kind words. We greatly appreciate the encouragement. This blog, our story-it is all God’s! We are incredibly thankful for you guys and the fact that you are joining us! Blessings, Kate

Thank you for your ministry. I hope many couples will join your challenge. I just wished your ministry (and others like it) was available 30+ years ago.

Unfortunately, we will not be joining your challenge. The mere thought of having sex 2 days in row (let alone 10 days) would be upsetting to my darling wife…I have been in a sex starved marriage for 35 years now. 🙁

Hi Seeker, thank you for sharing where you are. It breaks my heart to know that you and your wife have struggled, but I know all to well the reality of that struggle. Just know that there is always hope.

I hear you in that, there is now much more talk and material out there for marriages. Specifically talking about intimacy. God is the healer and redeemer. Nothing is beyond his grasp. Keep praying and serving and loving your lovely wife as God is asking you to. That is all we can do when we desire change in our marriage. Is to work on us and to serve and love our spouse. I am believing that your marriage can have healing! Lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

Last year we tried to participate but my husband got sick on day two. I don’t know which one of us was more bummed. We still shared the scriptures together and did a bunch of catch ups. You guys have a wonderful challenge.

I asked if my husband was game this year and he said yes, so count us in. We both have high sex drives, so it works well. We are in our 50’s and intimacy keeps getting better every year. It’s the icing on the cake of marriage. Thank you, Lord, for your wonderful gift of sex!

That’s awesome, FarAboveRubies! Glad to have you join us again this year. And you know what-life happens and sometimes we plan something and it doesn’t work out. Then we make the best of it and see how we can nurture other areas of intimacy in the process! Appreciate you sharing! Blessings, Kate

I watched the video and heard about all the great things the 10 Day Challenge could do for our marriage. I was filled with hope and excitement. Then I went to the Guys Choose Your Path post and came up to #9. Our situation typically leaves me alone a depressed but to be given hope for something great only to have it torn away right after getting it made the original pain twice as debilitating.

I think what you do here is great and very beneficial but prefacing that the 10 Day Challenge may not be for every couple would have soften the blow a little. If you did and I just missed it then I just brought this on myself.

Hi DK, I am sorry that you felt let down by Brad’s post. We say over and over again that the 10 Day Challenge is not going to be right for every marriage, depending on where you are. Could every marriage try it? Sure. But there have to be two willing people. And the reality is that many times one or both spouses have other things that are blocking them from the 10 Day Challenge being a possibility. We would be doing everyone a disservice if we were not open and honest, that some people need to really think and pray about whether the 10 Day Challenge is a good thing for their marriage at this time. Sexual intimacy is special and amazing, but there are other areas of intimacy that need time and attention too. It is our hope that many couples will step out of what is comfortable and challenge themselves.

We also say that it is not about the 10 days really, it is about being intentional about sexual intimacy in your marriage. If you aren’t ready for the 10 days, then challenge yourself to seek your spouse and serve them, without asking for anything in return. Ask God, “how can I improve our emotional, spiritual, intellectual and sexual intimacy?” Please know it is not our intention to hurt anyone. Lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

That’s awesome, Robb! We will share some suggestions and tips everyday along with Bible verses to help you guys make it special. Not to mention prizes. But you guys doing your own creative thing is even more amazing! Blessings, Kate

I love that thought…lol! I to have wondered that. I consider it a blessing that my wife and I can still do twice in one day from time to time. She still turns me on with her fantastic smile and the look that says “I want you.” We are looking forward to the challenge. Thanks again Brad and Kate!

This sounds interesting, but I could never ask. I don’t like begging my husband to want me. I’m still trying to figure out where all these husbands who want so much sex and their wives won’t comply are coming from. Just how much hotter and better at everything are their wives than me? WHAT am I doing wrong, and why doesn’t my husband desire me? Once I started reading how most men pursue their wonderful wives who turn them down and leave them wanting more, I realized I was making a huge mistake by initiating sex with my husband. I must have been making a complete fool of myself. I have stopped initiating all together – what a fool I was! No wonder he wasn’t that interested. Now I’m lucky if we have sex twice a week. I’d love to be more desireable to him, and I’d love to have greater intimacy, but until I discover the secret all of these other wives know – the ones who’s husbands always want more – there’s no way I could ask for ten days straight. I will not beg to be loved.

Hi Idontknow, Thank you for writing and sharing. First off, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. NOTHING!! There is almost always a higher drive spouse and a lower drive spouse in a marriage. Sometimes couple are evenly matched, but even that is only usually for a time. Women being the higher drive spouse is not unusual. They are less in number then men, being higher, but that doesn’t make it any less important and any less hard. Please know you are not alone. No one likes to feel like they are begging for sex and that expression of love. We hear weekly from wives just like you.

It is sometimes hard not to be frustrated with sex, when it always seems like a challenge. Yet I believe God wanted us to work at it. If it happened so easily-all the time, it would not be nearly as precious and special.

I wish that I had an easy answer for you, but I don’t. Have you tried to talk to your husband about how you feel? I would encourage you to. When we hide it makes things worse. Believe me I know. I did it for almost 10 years of my marriage. Seek to talk to your hubby and share your heart. Not pointing fingers but what you desire for your marriage. Please know that I am lifting you up right now! Blessings, Kate

My heat goes out to you and I can totally relate!!! I too have a husband who has very little desire. I have spoken to him many times to the point that when I even hint that I have a question or need to talk to him about something, he sighs because he thinks it must be about sex. He assures me that he loves me more today than when we first married and that he is very attracted to me…blah blah blah BUT his actions and lack of trying to fix something that is obviously hurting my heart, my soul and my spirit tells a different story. I also feel that initiating sex is begging him….I know that he will do what I ask but that isn’t what I want…..I want him to be intimate with me because he desires me not just because he loves me enough to “give in”. We have only been married 3 years but we have both been previously married for 16 and 23 years, so we are not in a “finding ourselves” stage. He has been to the doctor, had everything tested and his results came bck so good the doctor said he was as healthy as a 12 year old….no problems. So now how should I feel. I am 47 and he is 51, we are still young. It does break my heart to be looked at with such love, to hear I love you EVERYDAY many times a day but to still be rejected to the point that I do not initiate relations and many times just leave him be and cry myself to sleep. I too am lost and have no idea what I should do. I feel I have read everything, tried talking to him…(and he always listens)tried it all….it must just be me!!! Not a good feeling at all, it is definitely changing something inside of me.

Gulp… We’re in:) going to have to be very creative with my husbands shift work and I’m going to have to be willing to be flexible on sleep… But we are in:) Kicking it off with a night in a hotel WITHOUT THE KIDDOS!!