Balancing the parent role with relationship needs

Nina Chen, Ph.D., CFLE, Human Development Specialist,
Jackson County, University of Missouri Extension

It’s challenging for new parents to manage their new parenting
role and their couple relationship. The joy of having a baby leads
to a transition for couples that can strain even the best relationships.

A study conducted by John Gottman and associates from the University
of Washington reveals that more than two-thirds of mothers experience
a decrease in relationship satisfaction six months after the birth
of the baby. Men experience the same decrease in relationship satisfaction
during the first year as fathers. Couples who had strong and healthy
marriages before having a baby are likely to make an easier adjustment
to parenthood and experience less stress on their marriages. On
the other hand, couples who struggled with significant problems
before having the first baby are likely to have a difficult time
making adjustments.

Feeling overwhelmed is a common emotion for new mothers and fathers.
Distress in couple relationships not only affects marital satisfaction
and emotional intimacy, but also the quality of care for the infants.
New parents need to rethink their priorities, make adjustments and
be flexible to juggle their family roles. The following suggestions
can help new parents maintain loving couple relationships while
enjoying baby:

Spend time together to nurture your couple relationship.
A healthy relationship can provide a secure foundation for raising
a healthy baby and building a strong family. Establishing routine
relationship time is essential for couples to manage their roles
as parents and partners.

Make a commitment to each other. Having a baby is a different
life stage for new parents. It’s easy to ignore the couple relationship
if extra effort is not put into maintaining intimacy and romance.
A couple’s commitment can be a strong bond to make their parenting
roles easier.

Maintain open communication. Couples need to talk openly
and discuss ways to resolve their conflicts, recognize issues, set
priorities and assign responsibilities. For instance, will there
be a stay-at-home parent? If both parents work outside the home,
how do you find quality childcare? How will both parents make these
adjustments and commit to their relationship? Open discussion and
two-way communication can help partners understand hidden issues
and find solutions.

Show support and appreciation for each other. Becoming
a new parent is a demanding job for couples. Showing support and
appreciation to each other can help strengthen your relationship
as parents and as a couple. A loving relationship is the best gift
that a couple can give to their baby.

Shapiro, A.F., Gottman, J.M., & Carrere, S. (2000). The baby
and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline
in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of
Family Psychology, 14(1), 59-70.