Thursday, 20 November 2008

Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Saviour Vs. Burnsy.

Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone who emailed or messaged me to congratulate me on the great reviews I was given by The Times for my part in the West End production of Treasure Island. Secondly, I'd like to thank the few people who emailed or messaged me to point out the shit reviews I was given by the Evening Standard for my part in the same show. Thirdly, I'd like to make it clear that there is more than one Michael Legge.

This has happened to me before. Michael Legge is an actor who appeared in the film Angela's Ashes and, as a result of us having the same name, I ended up getting a lot of his fan-mail. Teenage girls, mainly from Spain for some reason, couldn't wait to email me to tell me how cute I was in that film and to ask if I had a girlfriend. Some of them graphically told me the many things they'd like to do to my penis if the chance ever arose. As tittillating as this was I couldn't help but think that these beautiful, young, foreign girls didn't actually mean MY penis. My penis and I were very sad. So as fun as it was to receive sexy messages it was also infuriating to think that this little cunt could fuck any of them while trading on the back of my name. And it is MY name. I had it first. Every teenage, dirty email reminded me spitefully that I was a LOT older than the little cunt from Angela's Ashes and every time these girls described "my" face or body I was heartlessly forced to acknowledge that the prick was also a LOT better looking than me. He even comes from the same county as me. The tool. Sometimes though his agent would email me as he'd been once again asked about his availability in December by the Frog & Bucket or enquiries were made to see if he fancied doing a warm up for ANOTHER Carol Vorderman hosted Sky TV shitquiz. All enquiries that were actually for me. HA! That'll teach him. And now that my name and address has appeared publicly on the BNP member's list he's bound to be getting shit from that too. That'll teach him, eh readers?

So, what have I been doing this week as no blogs have been beautifully created? Well, I've been to the hospital a lot, I've been popping home to look after the dog, I've been popping round to visit my family in their hotel (my Mum has a broken foot so can't go anywhere during their visit) and generally seeing that Muki's family aren't getting lost in some East End gun-ridden rape-hole. They haven't. No matter how often I send them there. So, basically, I've had little to no time to myself, which is fine under the circumstances. That said, I had a break on tuesday for an hour and I went to HMV to try to find the Doctor Who Season 4 boxset but, unbelievably, I saw something even betterer. HMV had a DVD section under a massive banner that read: JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. It was full of DVD's that would be perfect to buy for that special someone this yuletide season. And what DVD's were on display? Jamie Oliver's Turkey Roasting Family Awful? No. Daniel O'Donnell's Chunky Jumper God Fellating Geriatric Flap-Teasing Hootenanny? No. Oh, now I remember. It was.... SO I SUPPOSE THIS IS OFFENSIVE NOW BY BRENDON BURNS. How fucking typically christmassy is that? He's just so festively dangerous and seasonally edgy. He's going to deck your halls with bows of FURY! Can't take it, Santa? Then get back in your grotto. What sort of fucking world do we live in when BrendAn fucking Burns is now a stocking-filler? On the back of the DVD it hilariously says this, "In a world where unaccountability and scapegoating is not only the norm but seemingly admired, one man has the courage to put his hand up and say, 'Hey I make mistakes and here's an hour of them'".To be very fair, the DVD looks incredibly well shot and BrendAn did write it all himself. Even the words coming out of this heckler were written by him:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq8nG_ZMhA8

I've had some great gigs this week, too. Most notably at the Covent Garden Comedy Club on saturday which started really sweetly for five minutes but not long after that the audience were ready to happily gang-rape a heckler (a real one, not one from my PR company), which was nice. I'd like to thank Judy for bringing me a bag of Wispas. If anyone else wants to bring me a bag of Wispas then please go ahead. Wispas are great.