Friday, August 29, 2008

Let me introduce you to those little suckers above. They entered my life since I've been diagnosed in February and have become a contradiction. Those are my medication drugs, among them is a high-powered steroid. They can cause harm to me but still they hold an important role in my life, to keep me healthy from the disease.

Hence, their appearance pose a new challenge in my life. I may not be able to fast at all on this coming Ramadhan. In the previous follow up, my neurologist has already warned me about this issue. She advised me not to skip medications especially this one particular pill that I have to take 5 times daily. For the past few weeks, I did my own experiments to prepare myself for Ramadhan. I skipped from taking my medications when it's due just to see if my body can handle it. As expected, my muscles got weak easily and the old bulbar symptoms like droopy eyelid (ptosis) came back. I don't really mind having a mild dysarthria because I'm not much of a talker nowadays. The other thing, I also started to choke a little bit when swallowing my own saliva (dysphagia). But when I had the difficulty to breath, it scares me. In order to feel and look normal, I have to depend on drugs. How messed up is that?!

Fasting is one of the things that I took for granted when I was truly healthy. After accepting the fact that I am sick, I regret for not valuing what Ramadhan has to offer before. I really want to feel the barakah of Ramadhan but now I might not be able to practice the essence of it which is fasting.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

For a while I thought what I felt was real. Truth be told, it wasn't. Everything was just so wrong even at the beginning. If there was some tinge of hope, it would still be unfair to everyone, especially me. I deserve so much better than this.

The temptation was still strong, but it's my dignity that I want to keep intact. I might be hurting right now but thinking about the consequences of my action does help a little bit. I consult no one but my own logic. Thus, came the painful decision with no regret.

I've decided to walk away. There was a moment of hesitation, like “What the heck am I doing?”. However, I didn't let myself be consumed by my irrational emotions. There is no turning back because it's for the best. Long ago, I made a vow not to be emotionally-dependent to anyone.

Bruised and vulnerable, my heart bleeds oh so painfully. But I still deserve a pat on the back because I did not shed any single tears!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Hello! I don't feel like blogging about my weekend again. It was tiring but I had so much fun as always. I'll leave you with a song which has become my personal anthem. This song has a transcending lyrics albeit the melody sounded a little bit morose.

That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morissette

That I would be good even if I did nothingThat I would be good even if I got the thumbs downThat I would be good if I got and stayed sickThat I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankruptThat I would be good if I lost my hair and my youthThat I would be great if I was no longer queenThat I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myselfThat I would be good even when I'm overwhelmedThat I would be loved even when I was fumingThat I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanityThat I would be good whether with or without you

Friday, August 8, 2008

13 random things you love: (in no particular order) 1.my family2.my laptop3.watching nurses and doctors at work4.my friends5.good foods6.listening to the music before falling asleep7.books (reading is like traveling without moving an inch)8.talking to Juju (she's so funny!)9.Sate Minang session10.Being driven in a car, at night with the windows down11.watching movies12.chocolate13.karaoke (singing off-key makes me feel better haha)

12 movies you like: (in no particular order) Ouhh this is hard because I have tons of favorite movies!1.The Namesake (a good adaptation from a book of similar title)2.Failan (unusual storyline but believably tragic) 3.The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring4.The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers5.The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King6.Kandukondein Kandukondein (this is not a stereotypical Tamil movie!)7.Leila (A Persian film.The director successfully evoked a romantic scene without the actor and actress making any physical contact to each other)8.Chocolat9.Sound of Music (who doesn't love this movie?)11.Troy (Eric Bana in skirts!!)12.Any Stephen Chow's movie

11 Band/Artists: (in no particular order)1.Silverchair (been a fans since high school. I love you, Daniel Johns. Now that you're separated from Natalie Imbruglia, will you consider marrying me? Wuuhoo!)2.Weezer (another fav. Band since high school)3.Travis (I love their emo-ness!!)4.U25.Padi6.Dewa 197.The Cranberries8.Coldplay9.Naif (not very popular here in Malaysia but this Indo band has a very unique retro-like sound)10.Foo Fighters11.Maroon 5

Rock music rules!

10 things about you physically and personality wise: 1.Fair skin2.Small hands3.Hijabbed4.I used to think myself as an extrovert, but after having a severe Dysarthria, I've become more introverted 5.Having said no.4, I've actually been diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease earlier this year6.But, I feel much lighter and happier now7.Easy to forgive, difficult to forget8.Short-tempered9.I like to observe people10.I cannot tolerate any frequent juvenile behaviour of an adult

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I was thinking about blogging a personal, sensitive matter that had been hanging in midair for a quite some time. As I was surfing for some inspirations, I came across a quote that struck a chord.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other."- Honore De balzac

For the record, I don't put the blame on anybody else. It's just that when I decided to swallow my pride I was fooled by the idea that things had passed, we've learned our mistakes and things will be like they used to. Sadly, I was wrong. I've resigned to the fact that some of us will always afraid to admit that they've gone too far with their behaviours. Thus, the overflowing gratitude, respect and adoration that I have, had turned into a sad disappointment.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Early in the morning, I received a SMS from a friend confirming my attendance in a birthday party. I managed to reply the sms with my eyes half open, declining the invitation because I had an exhaustive day yesterday. I have planned to relax on Sunday. After that, I continued sleeping for another 2 hours.

When I woke up, I did the usual routines. First, I checked the tabloid sections of a newspaper which full of the entertainment industry's latest gossips. Then I had a small breakfast alone because my parents had theirs at a mamak joint earlier. Late afternoon, I did some long overdue laundry while fixing up a simple lunch for me and my brother. My parents were already went out shopping by then.

The second half of the day was spent in my room, frolicking on my bed with a good book. Later I watched You Don't Mess With The Zohan on my laptop. It was a funny movie, I enjoyed it. But then again I'm such a huge Adam Sandler's fans, I might have a biased opinion hehehe. For dinner, we dined at a new Tom Yam joint on my suggestion. My Mom still preferred the green curry at her own favorite restaurant though. Then we got back, watched the telly together till late.

There you go, a day in my life. I feel blessed today albeit how ordinary it is. Whenever I feel down someday in the future, I can look back and appreciate the things that I had with my family.