Meet Abraham Lincoln! one of America’s greatest presidents along with George Washington and William Howard Taft! He was great because he saved the Union by winning the Civil War. He did this by freeing the slaves and fighting vampires.

These are things a great man does and they made him great.

He was also a great orator, giving famous speeches like the Gettysburg Address, his second Inagural Address, and the “give me liberty or give me death” speech. He gave these great “speeches” even though he was threatened by vampyres.

But perhaps the biggest reason he was a great president is because he is the nations greatest vampyre hunter.

Abraham Lincoln was born on President’s Day in 1809*, which is quite a coincidence, since he would grow up to be president. He lived in a cabin with his mom and dad, who opposed slavery even though they were white. They owed a man money, a man who turned out to be a vampire. You can tell he was a vampyre because he wore tinted glasses and uses old-fashioned sunscreen. Plus, he kills people and drinks their blood.

One day, this vampire poisoned Abraham’s mother by biting her, who died. Why he didn’t just kill her and drink her blood, I’m not sure about.

From that moment on, Abraham Lincoln decided he would get revenge on the pastry man who killed his mother by poisoning her and not by drinking her blood.

Abraham Lincoln was distracted from his quest by many things. Things like making speeches, winning elections, and stealing a girl named Mary from a man named Stephen A. Douglas. Stephen A. Douglas was a long-haired “dandy” and pro-slavery, although he said it like this: “Slavery is complicated.”

Abraham Lincoln didn’t think “freedom” was “complicated” at “all.” In fact, his best friend was a black man who may have been a rapper.

This free black man, named Will, helped Lincoln fight vampires. So did Lincoln’s other best friend, a good vampyre named Henry. So did his other other best friend, the shopkeeper named Speed who hired Lincoln for his first job.

I bet he didn’t guess he was hiring the world’s greatest vampire hunter! Ha ha.

They called him “Honest Abe” because he told the truth when he chopped down his father’s cherry tree. But Abe wasn’t very honest with Mary, never telling her about vampires. That is, until tragedy struck his family. He had many sad times with many sad things.

I admire Abraham Lincoln because he never gave up fighting for what he believed in: A America free of vampires. Also, he was very brave to wear such a tall silly hat. He was very brave with an axe against fast moving violent vampire beasts, and did not care when he got black, gooey blood all over him all the time, which I would certainly care about, especially if it ruined my silly hat, which looks like it cost a lot of money.

Who can say what fate of history makes great men? As Abe Himself once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask how many vampires you can kill for it.” They say the moment makes the man. Then February 12, 1809 made a great man. He was great because he had greatness within him. Also because he killed a lot of vampires.