So tired of everything

I felt good today and then night falls. My feelings went away and I remember who I am. I can't change my life, I can't change me. It sucks to feel trapped and like there is no way out. It makes me want to cut again and again. It makes me feel like there is no point to go on if I hate myself. I cut everyday now, but there's no answers, there is never answers. Life drags on like time. There is so much time! but at the same moment I feel that there is never any time. There is never enough time. It is all one big paradox. All I like is that feeling, the sharpness running across my skin. For one moment, I forget and bliss overcomes me like waves in the ocean. What the hell do you have to do in this world to feel better. Nothing, nothing ever comes close to this feeling of bliss. Its amazing that i would think that something would come close to it. I use to think somethings did, but I think I was wrong. Nothing works, nothing improves. It's all one big illusion. We entrust others with our feelings, our lives. To make us feel like we can be whole, we trust others to make us feel right but we never know what goes on in their heads. All we know is what is in ours, when we can overcome ourselves maybe then we can deal with others, and even then others wont matter. But to me I just can't overcome my barriers.
This rant probably makes no sense. Crazy ? maybe. I don't know anymore. I always try to see the positive side, do the positive thing. Never works out I always, ALWAYS, feel like there is just no good way for me. I'm just so tired of it.

was just talking to someone about how it's the same for me... you know, my life is like a track on repeat if you like. you get to the end of the song, but then have to listen to it again... it sucks. over, and over, again

sometimes i wonder what i'm doing here, really. i believe i'm destened to be unhappy

as for the self harm, i can't really say much that's encouraging.... i do it too- it makes up about 80 90 percent of my day

Believe me, I understand your whole thing about trust. I've never been able to fully trust anybody. I've learned that I constantly get disappointed when I trust people. This enrages my husband and I don't blame him because he does his absolute best to never let me down or disappoint me, but like you said, we never know what's going on in other people's heads. Hell, we're only human, anybody could severely disappoint us without even meaning to. So, I try to avoid expecting anything out of anybody, if I can, because that possibility scares the hell out of me. As for feeling "blissful", I've cut before when I was a teenager, but drugs gave me the most blissful feelings I've ever had. Of course, the negative long-term consequences outweigh the positive short-term consequences with drugs just as with cutting. But at the same time, I've been clean for 7 months now, and I've been extremely bored with life ever since. I desperately want that blissful feeling again because I've never felt anything else even come close to that. And trust me, I've tried searching for something else...anything, with no results. Because of those negative consequences though, I'm forcing myself to keep looking for an alternative.

Believe me, I understand your whole thing about trust. I've never been able to fully trust anybody. I've learned that I constantly get disappointed when I trust people. This enrages my husband and I don't blame him because he does his absolute best to never let me down or disappoint me, but like you said, we never know what's going on in other people's heads. Hell, we're only human, anybody could severely disappoint us without even meaning to. So, I try to avoid expecting anything out of anybody, if I can, because that possibility scares the hell out of me. As for feeling "blissful", I've cut before when I was a teenager, but drugs gave me the most blissful feelings I've ever had. Of course, the negative long-term consequences outweigh the positive short-term consequences with drugs just as with cutting. But at the same time, I've been clean for 7 months now, and I've been extremely bored with life ever since. I desperately want that blissful feeling again because I've never felt anything else even come close to that. And trust me, I've tried searching for something else...anything, with no results. Because of those negative consequences though, I'm forcing myself to keep looking for an alternative.

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Congrats on being clean for 7 months. Its good that your looking for other alternatives i hope you find some. I tried and ended up back to cutting and i was clean for a good couple of years, I've stayed away from drugs, except for alcohol it makes things worse, sometimes. Like you said the negative consequences outweigh the positive, I just cant get myself to listen to that anymore. It's like i'm just over it