Monday, July 31, 2006

It happened August 1st, a day that would feel like the longest most painful day of my life. I will never forget the pain I felt that day a year ago. They told me it was for the best. They told me I could try again. They told me it'll be ok. There's seldom a day that goes by that I don't think of that child that I once carried. There isn't a day that I don't thank God for the little boy growing inside of me this day.

Last year I thought that all of life was pretty much over. How would I continue to go on? This year I look back. Yeah, it still pretty much sucks to lose a child. But in the midst of this all I do see new hope. I remember the midwife telling us that everyday she thanks God for her daughter that wouldn't be here if her first pregnancy would have continued without issue. I am thinking that same way about this little guy who's pushing, prodding and poking me from time to time. I am grateful for the life inside of me that we will be meeting face to face in just a few weeks. I thank God for his presence, his strength and his support.

I am thankful, too, for all those, especially the women, who came up to me afterward and shared personal stories of loss, pain and suffering. Their stories seemed to bring them strength as they sought to support me in my grief. They are proof that I am not alone...that others have walked this seemingly lonely road.

As August begins, I have mixed feelings. I'm excited, nervous and scared about the newest addition that will come into our family. There's a feeling of fear as I don't want anything bad to happen. There's this underlying feeling of sadness of the child that will never be here on this earth. Yes, August 1st will never be the same for me again...but perhaps it can be the sign of new life. It certainly has taught me how precious life truly is.

Boy, I can't wait to see this little guy and continue to praise God for his life and his presence in my life.