Sun Java Has Had it With You Neglecting Their Latest Updates

We at Sun Microsystems (subsidiary of the Oracle Corporation)
are starting to question whether you are serious about even owning
a personal computer. We've taken every precaution to make it
absolutely clear that NEW UPDATES ARE AVAILABLE and the fact that
these have gone UNINSTALLED for the last 6-8 months is deeply
troubling.

Our alerts constantly interrupt your daily work, yet rather than
taking 20 minutes to download and install Sun Java 7.128.0394.21
you MANUALLY skip this message and continue on with FULL KNOWLEDGE
that your computer is not running the optimal version of Sun
Java!

Or maybe you are just some elitist who thinks he doesn't need
Java anymore? Did you know that the Android Kernel is built
with Sun Java? That's right the G-D Kernel! How many of
your ever-lovin' smartphones will function without an OS kernel?
ZERO. And Android phones are 80% of the marketplace,
but you're probably on iPhone, aren't you? Probably some
lefty Seattle d-bag who does his "work" from Starbucks.

Do you think my dream was always to be a coder working in Sun
Microsystems? Hell no, I wanted to be a screenwriter or a
casting director. My parents always said I had a good eye for
talent, as I was always making observations about which actor would
be better suited for such and such a role, etc. But Sun
Microsystems is where I ended up and I've realised that OPERATING
SYSTEMS TOUCH ALL OF OUR LIVES in ways you could never
fathom. The least you can do is once a month - take the time
to download and install the latest patch - or just stay on your
iPad I guess.