9 Questions You Should NEVER Ask Your Man

The key to a happier relationship is simpler than all those self-help books make it seem. All you need to do is avoid asking your man any of the questions below. None can be answered acceptably. The closest he can come to being correct is changing the subject. Science has tried for decades and failed to understand why you continue to feel that some good can come from asking any of the following…

1. “Does this ______ make me look fat?” Whether it’s a dress, a shirt, or something else we don’t give a crap about, there’s obviously no “yes”-ing this question. However, “no” is an equally painful misstep, since it confirms that you do, in fact, look fat. Why do you do this to us?

2. “If I died right now, which of my friends would you want to hook up with?” You know we already have an answer. And you have a pretty good idea, too. However, there’s no possible way that you want to hear us confirm it.

3. “Do you notice anything different?” We notice nothing different about you. Ever. Unless it has to do with your b**bs. However, “no” is obviously the wrong choice and your insistence will force us to choose something that you haven’t changed for 10 years.

4. “How old do I look?” Picking an age equal to or older than yours is relationship kryptonite. Although most of us are smart enough to avoid that trap, a younger age means that we’re lying and you can’t trust us to be honest with you.

5. “Do you want to come shopping with me?” The answer is always no. Always. However, men who are with you fewer than 10 years will say “yes,” at least the first time, and you will interpret their resentment as not wanting to be with you.

6. “Should I change my hair color?” “No” means that we only like you for your hair, “yes” that we’ve never liked it and want to sleep with someone else.

7. “How do you know her?” Do you really need to know why not to ask this?

8. “Do you think she’s pretty? “”Yes” leads to an even bigger bear trap: “Prettier than me?” But “no” means we’re lying again, since cars crash when this babe walks.

9. “You know why I’m mad at you, right?” Not only do we have no idea — we would have apologized if we did — but we probably didn’t even notice you were mad. Of course, whatever answer we pull out of our butts will be just as unacceptable to you as a “no.”