Ok, fuck it I know it's December, but Im starting a baseball thread. Im a Giants fan (obviously) and I got to say Im pretty hyped on the Giants getting some upgrades so far, and the lack of anything happening elsewhere in the NL West. We just signed the big unit and Im guessing they are going to get at least one more bat before opening day... we could be a contender this year! Hate on that...

Below is a 2003 article from the Onion News. It looks like it might come true this year. Go Yankees

February 05, 2003Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball

NEW YORK—With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the New York Yankees shored up their pitching, hitting, and defense Monday by signing every player in professional baseball.

"We'd like to welcome the entire roster of Major League Baseball into the Yankees family," said team owner George Steinbrenner, watching as the franchise's 928 newest additions held up their pinstripes at a Yankee Stadium press conference. "With these acquisitions, we are in position to finally nab that elusive 27th World Series title."

Sports reporters were not surprised by the move.

"This is not entirely unexpected," New York Times baseball writer Murray Chass said. "When the Yankees followed up their signing of Japanese slugger Hideki 'Godzilla' Matsui by annexing Cuba for use as a Triple-A farm club, it was clear that Steinbrenner was willing to do whatever it takes to win."

By noon, Yankees GM Brian Cashman had signed the entire National League and most of the American League to multi-year contracts. Some 10 hours later, the final opposing player, Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez, had been acquired by the Yankees, who bought out the remainder of his $252 million contract for $300 million.

"It's an honor to be part of this team," said catcher Benito Santiago, picked up from the San Francisco Giants as insurance in case catchers Jorge Posada, Ivan Rodriguez, and Mike Piazza all go down with injuries. "It's a surprise, certainly, but I'd be crazy to turn down the opportunity to play on what is, by default, the greatest team in baseball."

Yankees manager Joe Torre, whose pitching rotation, prior to the mass signing, lacked a clear seventh ace, now has the luxury of starting each of his hurlers twice a season.

"As they say, you can never have enough pitching in this league," Torre said. "Especially come playoff time. Now, if we make it to the World Series, we'll be able to start Pedro Martinez in Game 1 and still have him fresh and ready to go for a Game 287, should it be necessary."

With so many egos to juggle and so many personnel decisions to make, Torre said his job will actually be harder this season, the lack of opposing players notwithstanding.

"Hey, I don't care who you've got on your team; winning in this league is tough—Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson or no Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson," Torre said. "And it's even tougher in New York. This is a baseball town, and some of these fans think the Yankees are the only team in baseball. Now that we truly are, the pressure to win will be that much greater."

The mass signing, extravagant even by Yankees standards, caused the Bronx Bombers' payroll to skyrocket from a former league high of $149 million to $5.6 billion. Cashman noted that much of that figure is tied up in bonuses to be paid out to pitcher Tom Glavine, who at 37 will almost certainly not play out the entirety of his 15-year contract.

"I see no reason why a small-market team like the Twins or Expos can't continue to remain competitive, just because it lacks players," Selig said. "The league was due for contraction, anyway."

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"I don't wanna walk around with youI don't wanna walk around with you I don't wanna walk around with you So why you wanna walk around with me?I don't wanna walk around with you I don't wanna walk around with you. . . 1 2 3 4. . . " -Dee Dee Ramone

MIAMI, FL — Citing irreconcilable differences, Cynthia Rodriguez has filed for divorce from New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez, seeking half of her husband’s money and assets, including at least half of his career statistics.

“My client is simply interested in what is fair for her and her children,” said Cynthia’s divorce attorney, Maurice Kutner. “As such, she is requesting at least half of the marital assets, including statistics. This marriage was to be a partnership, and she has kept up her end of the bargain.”

According to sources, Cynthia Rodriguez feels she is entitled to half of all of A-Rod’s stats – not just the stats he has accrued during their time together – and is particularly interested in the power statistics and stolen bases.

“Indeed, were my client to wake up tomorrow with 275 career major league home runs, over 750 RBI, and nearly 150 stolen bases, she would be an attractive option for virtually any team, and will be well on her way to a Hall of Fame career,” Kutner explained to SSNN. “Moreover, she will likely be able to parlay those numbers into a 5-year, $70 million contract with the San Francisco Giants, which will really help her get back on her feet.”

Cynthia Rodriguez, for her part, says she doesn’t want the proceedings to be acrimonious, and is willing to do what it takes to make things work.

“I’m here to compromise,” Cynthia said. “That’s why I am only asking for one of his three MVP awards. Also, as a gesture of good faith, I am letting him keep all of his postseason statistics. Not that anyone would want them.”

The Twins also have Francisco Liriano, a pitcher, who I believe, is Cy Young caliber when he's healthy, which he should be. There's Delmon Young and Carlos Gomez who are unbelievably talented yet underdeveloped, and Dernard Span, who has developed into an extremely solid batter.

Oh, and there's this guy named Joe Nathan. He might be the best closer in the game with Rivera getting old.

Unfortunately, for third base, there's nothing in the rule book that says a monkey can't play baseball.

I'm a Milwaukee Brewer fan. Always have, always will. It was a heartbreaker seeing C.C. go to the Yankees. It's pissing me off that the Yankees are trying to win a World Series through their checkbooks. Anyway, I am also starting to get pissed about Milwaukee not doing anything this offseason...so much talent was out there but their GM is too much of a tight ass to give up well-earned cash.

Schmitty, what's your take on the Giants signing Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson?

why do they call him that? do i even want to know? or is that your own personal nickname for him?

i hardly know any of the players and only watch it occationally, but i get into it at the end of the year every once in a while. i am always a marlin and mets fan. i remember as a kid going to marlins games all the time because we could get tickets for like $5 at the very top and since hardly anyone went to the games we could just walk down to the good seats.

I'm a Milwaukee Brewer fan. Always have, always will. It was a heartbreaker seeing C.C. go to the Yankees. It's pissing me off that the Yankees are trying to win a World Series through their checkbooks. Anyway, I am also starting to get pissed about Milwaukee not doing anything this offseason...so much talent was out there but their GM is too much of a tight ass to give up well-earned cash.

Schmitty, what's your take on the Giants signing Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson?

I've been a Yankee fan all my life, and frankly I think it's getting to be re-goddamn-diculous. The Steinbrenners can buy all the star players they want, and it won't make a difference. It's typical of what is going on all over the U.S. these days. If there is a problem, throw money at it. The way I see it, the douchebags on the Yankees do just enough to make it look legit, but there is no drive to win. Girardi better light some fires under his players asses this year or he'll probably be gone.

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"I don't wanna walk around with youI don't wanna walk around with you I don't wanna walk around with you So why you wanna walk around with me?I don't wanna walk around with you I don't wanna walk around with you. . . 1 2 3 4. . . " -Dee Dee Ramone