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I've read two or three of these member picks on Ciao in the last couple of weeks and found them to be clever, witty and amusing. Mine aren't. Nevertheless, here's my top ten of annoyingly tedious remarks. I have included a "snappy response" section for each of these, trying to emulate Oscar Wilde, but unfortunately I couldn't think of any witty ones so opted for the only other options - silliness and insults. However, if fired out quickly as a razor-sharp retort, the speed and venom of response may disguise the lack of wit.

1 GET A LIFE!****************No, YOU get a life! I hate this one above all because it's so damned condescending. The speaker is, naturally, an intelligent, cool, talented high achiever, whereas I am a saddo with nothing of interest in my life whatsoever. Even if it's true, it's still a very, very annoying remark.

SNAPPY RESPONSESI'd very much appreciate a life, but not yoursHow did the charisma bypass go?

2 I'M GLAD YOU'VE TAKEN THAT ON BOARD**************************************************Where are we, on the QE2? The Orient Express?This is usually spoken by someone in authority, maybe a trendy, over-energetic boss, and suggests that
he/she has opened the celestial doors of knowledge to me, and that after a difficult struggle I have managed to grasp the point, and by jove, I'm a better person for it!

3 TRY TO SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE*******************************************Wide screen, perhaps?Again, suggesting the speaker is able to view the situation universally, whereas I can only see it through shallow eyes. He/she speaks two languages, English and Arrogance.

SNAPPY RESPONSESI suffer from tunnel visionCould you direct me to Specsavers?If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off.

4 YOUR CALL IS HELD IN A QUEUE*****************************************And to rub it in they end the sermon with "we do value your call". Nuff said.

SNAPPY RESPONSESThere's not an awful lot you can say to a machine I suppose, but when you finally get through to a human...

I'd like to report an annoying phrase, please.I'd like to speak to the machine again, please.

5 HE'S LIKE A GIANT BADGER FORAGING FOR TURNIPS****************************************************************Sorry, made this one up, just being silly.

The real number 5 FAR BE IT FROM ME, BUT...****************************************************A variant of "I'm not being funny", you just know that the next line will contradict the first, for example " far be it from me to criticise but dont you think it's time she threw those shoes away ?"

SNAPPY RESPONSESFar be it from me to agree with you.Do you always wear a clown suit?

6 NO PAIN - NO GAIN*************************Ludicrously inaccurate. What about sleep? What about sex (in most cases!). And if I eat a large tureen of chocolate ice-cream topped with sweets and whipped cream in a sea of sticky syrup(no pain there for sure), I think I can safely predict that I'll gain a pound or two.

SNAPPY RESPONSESThat's apparent from your body shapeNo woman, no cryNo time, no listen

7 HAD A GOOD HOLIDAY?******************************I might be on my own with this one, but I've just arrived back at work after a week or two off, I'm not feeling at my best, and it's just so depressing to be reminded throughout the day that my holidays are over. Send me home!

8 ....YEAH?***************Not a phrase as such, it's the one where someone is explaining something and after every line his voice rises into a question.... " Go down High street and turn left on Low street, yeah?" "Yeah" "Then turn right just after the Frog and Corset pub, yeah?" "Yeah" Causes me to keep having to say "yeah" back in response every 10 seconds, I'm like a nodding yes-man.

SNAPPY RESPONSENone needed, as a question hasnt actually been asked. Try a blank stare without uttering a single word.

9 HE THINKS HE'S THE BEES KNEES******************************************** What's so special about the knees of a bee? In fact do bees HAVE knees? We're presumably talking about someone who rates himself very highly, but why use this bizarre phrase? I've heard a variant of this several times " She think's she's the cat's arse". Again, just bizarre!

SNAPPY RESPONSEYes, but in reality he's just the wasp's ankle.Pass the honey, my knees itch.

10 IS IT ME, OR....?*********************You know this one, " Is it me or has the world gone mad?" "Is it me or is there a ferret on Rupert's head?" It's the critic who finds fault very easily and then needs to reinforce his views by recruiting allies.

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OMG those snappy responses made me laugh. Especially get a life.. this is what someone says when they've run out of insults, so its pretty hypocritical anyway. 'How did the charisma bypass go?' i have to use that someday. I dont really agree with you on the try and see the the bigger picture, unless they are trying to be deliberatly patronising - but 'sorry i have tunnel vision' would be a really good backchat to use on a teacher. Lol - thanks for the laughs. x x x

e.j.kingham 27.04.2006 15:44

Arghhhh... it seems we share the same fustrations when it comes to irritating phrases. As a result, your review although good was quite painful for me to read. Oh well, no pain no gain I guess. !!!

al1892 26.01.2006 21:38

hoorar I've been able to give you your 'e' now. much deserved. al x :)