Strange But True Category

Arsenal fan Barry Jenkins got married wearing his full Arsenal kit, including shin pads and, mostly likely, box. He tells us: “My wife is from Woking, and she is awesome. She let me get married in my full Arsenal kit! Maybe I just got lucky.”

Adding: “It’s like I won the FA Cup and found the best woman in the world ever.”

It is a widely held belief that to render yourself completely invisible, you need only look ‘old’. Mindful of that, we look at events in Branston, Rhode Island, where director of senior services department Sue Stenhouse is stood by an elderly woman at a press conference.

She’s there to salute a new city programme “connecting high school students with seniors who need help shovelling snow this winter”. The OAP has a sign identifying her as “Cranston senior home resident”.

But all is not as it seems. The snow has been scraped up from a city ice rink. The old woman is a man, a local van driver, who was, reportedly, invited by Stenhouse to dress like an old lady. Rumbled, Stenhouse has resigned. We don’t know about the man, but look out for him being voted Brantson Woman of The Year 2016, or dying alone and unheralded.

To Austria, where hunters are guaranteed a “happy ending”on return to camp. A business has been offering hunters in the Neustift-Innermanzing municipality lots of killing in Lower Austria’s Alpine foothills followed by an evening of human skin. The advert trills:

“After an exciting day’s hunting what could be better than a cosy night for two, or even three, in a remote mountain cabin. Everything is possible. The hunter’s return will be welcomed back by a lovely companion, and of course absolute discretion and confidentiality are guaranteed.”

Jane Fryer sees the picture of the kangaroos “in the shade of a Australian mango tree”. She sees the “last loving embrace for a dying kangaroo”. Fryer says the male kangaroo “tired to revive his mate” as his little joey looked on.

There is a story behind the images, but not the anthropomorphised version of true love that has accompanied the images in publications. The male, which appears to be lovingly “cradling the head” of the female as she dies, is actually in a state of sexual arousal.

“The male is clearly highly stressed and agitated, his forearms are very wet from him licking himself to cool down. He is also sexually aroused: the evidence is here sticking out from behind the scrotum (yes, in marsupials the penis is located behind the scrotum).”

Kangaroos are extremely sensitive to heat, says Dr Eldridge. Furthermore, the kangaroo is not, unfortunately, “propp[ing] up her head so she could see her joey before she died”. Instead, says Dr Eldridge, “this is a male trying to get a female to stand up so he can mate with her.”

David James Few, 21 of Taneytown, Maryland, and Brian Kelley Stitely, 24, of Fairfield, Pennsylvania, are nabbed. The uniforms from Maryland Natural Resources police have been on a stakeout. They’ve spotted the pair’s spotlighted – and that the hunters have shot the agency’s robotic decoy deer.

Police swoop. They search the hunters’ vehicle, wherein they discover two crossbows, two flashlights, 4.2 grams of marijuana and a glass pipe.

To Ohio, where the Lima Police Department looking for 45-year-old Donald “Chip” Pugh have a new photo to aid enquiries.

Pugh saw the police’s Facebook post about himself. He didn’t like the picture police chose:

He wrote to them, saying, “Here is a better photo that one is terrible.”

Lt. Andy Green is appreciative. “He’s drawing more attention to himself, which is going to make it easier for us to locate him, because the more attention that this post garners, the more people are going to see it, the more tips are going to come in about this guy,” Green said.

Meet Bhanvra Meghwal, 28. He’s ben sliced open at a hospital in Deesa town, India. Medics are removing a pair of foot-long tongs Meghwal says he swalloed ‘for a bet’.

“When we did his X-ray, we were shocked to see the tool inside his chest,” says Dr Thakkar. “We have to cut open his chest and esophagus (feeding tube) to remove the tool, which was around one-foot-long. We have also repaired the damage it caused to some of his body parts during operation. The patient is now conscious and doing fine without a ventilator.”

Big tongs. But you should see the size of the slice of lemon he chucked down first.

To Melbourne, Australia, where Jared Hyams has spent five years fighting the federal government for the right to use a drawing of his cock and balls as his signature, reports theSydney Morning Herald.

Jared Hyams didn’t think anyone at Australian Electoral Commission would study an application to change his address, so for a laugh he drew a caricature of a penis in the box that asked for his signature.

The AEC rejected his forms. Buoyed by failure, Hyams used the knob as his signature on applications for a passport, drivers’ licence and proof of age card.

His penis signature has been accepted on his cards for health care, bank accounts, library and students cards

“It’s been an interesting journey,” says Mr Hyams. “But none of it is resolved. Everything is just left hanging.”

You like your toenails? One 45-year-old Queens, NY, resident Mike Drake collects his fingernail and toenail clippings. He then turns them into acrylic paperweights. You can buy one for $300 – $500. You can buy two and be like a Mike, a collector.

“I used to bite my nails, and I wondered how long they could grow. And then I wondered how much I might be able to accumulate.”

So he collected his nail clippings in a Ziploc baggie for about a year, and was about to throw them out when inspiration struck. He decided to do something ‘artistic’ with them.

“I realised I went to all that effort, and I figured, in for a penny, in for a pound. I already worked with acrylics as a hobby so I decided to make paperweights.”

Want to see one?

If you stare at it long enough you can see all the things Mike’s touched.

The Sun newspaper loves Wotsits and those people who eat the cheesy puffs.

WOTSIT?

I’ve lived on Wotsits and chocs for 12yrs – 2008

Back then we met Rachel Scowcroft, 12, who had eaten one hot meal in her life: “her nightly dinner of Rice Krispies covered in melted chocolate.”

Rachel said:

“It’s not that I’m trying to be awkward. But whenever I try new food I get scared. I don’t like anything that’s not crunchy – or anything that’s too crunchy.”

WOTSAT?

You silly bunch of wotsits! – 2006

MUM Hilary Buckland has blasted a council which fined her £75 for dropping a Wotsit snack out of her car window.

WOTSON?

Wotsit all about? James Corden has not let U.S. success stop the snacking – 2015

Says TV’s James:

“There’s a British shop two minutes away from my house. I go in and they’re holding a bag of Wotsits for me.”

YOUWOT?

Bigfoot ate my Wotsit! – 2015

The Sun cheated a little. This was no Wotsit:

Twice divorced Adam Davies – a former call-centre worker turned monster detective [!!!!] – has spent almost 20 years and £60,000 tracking the hairy knuckle-dragger across the globe without ever once catching sight of him. If only he hadn’t gone to his tent when the monster dropped by for a Cheeto – a US snack similar to a Wotsit.

WOTZAT?

I hit 20st scoffing 10,000 bags of Wotsits and giant choc bar every day for 5 years – 2016

Meet Jo HUMPAGE (our capital letters.) Says Jo Humpage:

“When I nipped to the shop in the morning to get milk, I’d buy a super-sized Dairy Milk bar and six bags of Wotsits. I’d eat the chocolate on the way home then munch the crisps throughout the day.”

Mysteriously, she put on weight.

Every few months, Jo — who is married to HGV driver Ros, 43 — expanded by another dress size.

Non-British readers may wonder what all the fuss is about. A Wotsit is a decent enough snack. But what it lacks in nutrients it more than compensates for in its name. Saying ‘Wotsits’ is enjoyable. It’s pretty much the entire point of the Sun’s Food Beat: find a Wotsit story.

In the race to get their children ahead, those Other Parents will stop at nothing. They will buy Baby Einstein books, move to the best school catchment zones and transport their loved ones in get-out-of-my-way-4x4s, the bumpers of which are the ideal height by which to brain other people’s less lofty brood. Now they can buy “Babypod“.

Slither a Babypod speaker up a vaginal tract and blast the foetus with sweet music. If you’re having twins, use two speakers, so fostering the kids’ individuality.

Oh, and, mum and dad can listen in, too, via split headphones which hang out of the vagina. What can possibly go wrong?

What more can any pregnant woman want than having more stuff crammed up her private Clown Car?

And take care when cutting the umbilical cord, guys. Those phones are pricey!

“I would like to take the opportunity to sincerely apologise for the comment I made on here about the kygyz people and horses penis. I truly never meant to offened anyone and im truly sorry as it was never my intension. I would also like to say the people in the picture had absolutely nothing to do with it. again im very very sorry.”

Too late!

Mr McFeat is under arrest. And you just know what’s for breakfast, lunch, Tiffin and din-dins in the local choky, don’t you. Pass the horse penis, Jock. Easy on the mayo…

How was your Christmas? Did you and the family play games? One 15-year-old did. During play he threatened his mother with a machete he received as a Christmas present.

To West Jordan, Utah, then, where Sgt. Keith Bronson of the West Jordan Police Department says the the fight ensued after a board game was turned over and the boy couldn’t find all the pieces.

“We find that people have a wide range of coping skills,” Sgt. Bronson said. “Some of them are good and positive and some of them are not. Of course, this was a good example of what not to do – when you become angry and decide to take on the adults in your house.

“Specifically with a gift that they’ve given you just a few days earlier. I’m glad we were able to get there and bring stability to this situation as quickly as possible. We would encourage parents or people who are in charge of young people to call police as soon as they feel their own anger is getting out of hand. Police officers can often get in there quickly and and help diffuse a situation if we can be contacted early enough.”