Categories

Category: Humor

I was graced with the presence of 30 teenagers and even younger children, and when presented with one request, “Tell us a joke, Chris!” I struggled to navigate my book of jokes that were appropriate for their age, let alone the particular setting we were in. This is a repository to collect all the great jokes appropriate for all ages.

Here are some ideas for TESLA. In full disclosure, I don’t own a Tesla and have never been to a dealership (not one around me), so I do not know if some of these are already in existence or in the pipeline. These are purely from my own mind and presuppositions of Tesla based on years of subpar service and support by traditional automakers and suppliers.DATA

Take the information from sources (Progressive’s OBD-II plugin, Tesla’s own data, crowdsourced, traffic, DOT and other governmental agencies), and look at traffic patterns, optimization, and route planning.

Look at chaos distribution and organizing it with modified salesmen routes for automated vehicles, delivery, and truck routes.

Look at the number of EPA and hazmat incidents involved with EV’s versus conventional ICEs (Internal Combustion Engines). Helps justify EVs as well as document and prepare for situations.

Have a better understanding of what vehicles and parts are in what geographical area, and use that to support a smart warehouse and parts distribution network to reduce holes in inventory, ultimately increasing sales and decreasing customer frustration with lack of availability.

DESIGN

Look at modularity for customization, licensing, and additional revenue streams

Better communication, planning, and execution of recalls, TSB (Technical Service Bulletins), maintenance intervals, Make this as attractive as the car itself.

MAINTENANCE

Make individual pneumatic lifts on wheels for moving vehicles out of tight spots, or when without wheels (some designs exist in the market, but none that I think can have the elegance and usefulness with some TESLA modifications)

Release specifications for parts that are no longer in inventory or available to the customer. Can include end-to-end information as well, such as original supplier contact, dimensions, and reasoning behind certain choices or specifications to help aid reproduction or repair.

Remake the identification system(s) for ordering parts. SO MUCH DISCUSSION HERE!!!

Have a better roadside service culture, with telepresence capabilities for customers and service centers to provide comfort, and better remote diagnosis for roadside service fixes.

Use unique [laser engraced] IDs on parts/assemblies and offer an incentive program to non-Tesla shops to report part failure and reasons and suggestions.

Provide a way for owners to look at the maintenance history of the vehicle, IN THE VEHICLE ITSELF, and include what they have done as well.

COMMUNITY / ENVIRONMENT

Offer a recycling program for all EV’s

Study the habits of TESLA employees using any single TESLA model, with each employee using it for one day, but moving that model throughout the company to get every person’s usage, input, suggestion, and organizational data.

Run a health club/community event where people power a battery system for an EV, or an EV ambulance service with power from the event (or several) to contribute to a life-saving.

Remake the talking school bus [GUS] that travels to schools but made from an EV, promoting positive principles.

Coding today, and I have some issues with unicode rendering in different browsers (mainly mobile), so I began trying to search for solutions, and if you ask google to find smiley faces, this happens:

Guess there aren’t any smiles around the world, and I shall set out to change this. I also hear that there are competitions to see the lowest string length to generate zero and 1 result returned by Google. Does this qualify for first place? I will update once I get in contact with Google and see what we can get done.

I originally posted this as “Jokes, in random order” to avoid giving the idea that one is/was better that the other. Given that I am learning JS (JavaScript), I decided to write a snippet of code to determine the order of the jokes, and so I started with the word “jokes” to test the code. The first successful scalable word/string and array scrambler made by me, produced j-seko, a word that sounds awesome when you are going to Mitch Hedberg someone. Code is here below, followed by jokes, with better functionality and sortation as I write the code:

– What do you call an Alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
A: A snappy dresser
– What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: BREATHE!!
– What did the purple grape say to the green grape?
A: Nothing, s/he couldn’t!
– How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Ten Tickles!
– Why was 6 afraid 7?
A: Because 7 8 9!
A: Because 6 was a registered Six Offender.
Why do we seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!
How do you make an egg roll?
A: You push it?
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look Grandpa! No hands!
– Roses are red, Violets are blue. Oh wait, no they’re not, They’re violet.
– Roses are grey, Violets are grey, I am a dog.
– Roses are red, Violets are blue, I am bad at rhyming, Refrigerator.
– What is the difference between a blue fridge falling of a cliff, and a yellow one?
A: The yellow one isn’t falling of a cliff
A: The blue fridge is an appliance and the yellow one is a number
– When is a door not a door?
A: When it is a jar.
– What is green and has four wheels?
A: Grass, silly! I was just kidding about the wheels.
*Requires a specific cadence to make authentic and appealing*
– What is a pirate’s favorite letter (of the alphabet)?
Typical response: “Rrrrrr”
A: Oh you think it’s the Rrrrrr, but it’s really the Ceeeee.
– What is the difference between a blue fridge falling of a cliff, and a yellow one?
A: The yellow one isn’t falling of a cliff
A: The blue fridge is an appliance and the yellow one is a number
– Why did the baby cookie cry?
A: Because his mother was a wafer so long.
– What goes zzub zzub?
A: A bee flying backwards
– If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving’s not for you.
– If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
– At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog/cat that they are adopted?
– At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted? – Zach Galifianakis
– Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo! -Stephen Wright
– Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
– A magician was driving down the road when suddenly he turned into a driveway.
– Got any figs?
Response: No?
Reply: How about a date then?
– I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
– And then there was the agnostic dyslexic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
– Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a cool opotamus?
– Have you seen the elephant hiding?
A: Of course not, he’s hiding.
– Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
– I entered 10 puns into a joke contest hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.
– I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
– Hedgehogs, why can’t they just share the hedge?
– Venison’s dear isn’t it?
– War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
-What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
– I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
– Where does the three-legged horse live?
A: In the unstable.
– I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
– When is a lumberjack’s birthday?
A: SepTIMBERRRRRRRR!
– A one-armed guy goes to a 2nd-hand shop.
– Two wrongs don’t make a right but three lefts do.
– Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
A: Ba-dun TSSH
– I farted in an elevator once, it was wrong on so many levels.
– I saw a stationary store moves.
– Politics.
– “What’s up?”
A: A two letter word.
– I’m hardly ever wrong. Except this one time, when I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.
– The early bird may catch the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.
– The advantage of easy origami is two-folded.
– I know a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start.
– Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have. – Steven Wright
– A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here?”
– Saw a man in a field tending to a little more than 3 sheep. Thought to myself “shepherd’s pi”.
– Portholes are round so that if they break, water doesn’t hit you square in the face.
– Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
A: The heat was in tents!
– If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
– There’s no silent p in swimming.
– I’m so bright my mom calls me “son”.
– A rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class; it was a weapon of math disruption.
*Requires a specific cadence to make authentic and appealing*
– A 3-legged dog hops into a saloon and proclaims, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
– My friends and I were playing poker with a giant set of cards. It was kind of a big deal.
– Knock, knock.
A: Come in!
– “Did I already do my deja vu joke?” – Stewart Francis
– Corduroy pillows….they’re making headlines all over the world.
– I fought a bear with a knife once.
The bear had the knife.
– I used to play sports. Then I realized you could BUY trophies. Now I’m good at everything. – Demetri Martin
– I didn’t like my haircut at first, but it’s growing on me.
– “Snakes dont have arms, thats why they don’t wear vests.”
– Toilet Stolen: Police have nothing to go on.
– When I found out the toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
– I needed a password with eight characters, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
– Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
– What is it about being blind, that makes you walk the dog all the time?
– I have a cat in my pocket… Just kitten.
– It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
– Plate of spaghetti walks up to a bar, bartender says “we don’t serve food here.”
– Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
– “If i had a dollar for every brain you didn’t have, I’d have one dollar” -squidword
– Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
– You’re going to have to start calling me “butter” because I’m on a roll.
– what do you call someone who dosent fart in public? a private tooter
– I used to work in a calendar factory but I got fired for taking a few days off.
– I used to work in an orange juice factory but I got fired because I couldn’t concentrate.
– A good pun is it’s own reword.
– The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
– What’s invisible and smells like a carrot?
A: A rabbit’s toot.
– I quit my job at the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
– Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was a salted.
– I have a CD Burner…my fireplace.
– It’s one of those situations where you thought it was a booger, but it snot.
– Cut that pizza into 4 slices… I’m not hungry enough to eat 6.
– I used to play the trombone, but I’ve let it slide.
– Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
– A well done medium steak is rare.
– Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella?
A: ForDrizzle
– System.out.print(“Best one-liner”);
– 1: Have you seen my henlay?
2: Whats a Henlay?
1: Eggs!
– 1: Do you know where I can get some snoo?
2: What’s snoo?
1: Oh nothing much. What new with you?
– 1: Have you seen my updog?
2: What is updog?
1: Oh nothing much. What new with you?