Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.

Kids and Marriage

A woman always has the last word in any argument, while anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't, while a man marries a woman expecting she won't change but she does.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Apparently, men are from Mars and women are from a place where toilet seats are always in the down position. These differences don't go unnoticed by kids, as demonstrated in the following survey sent to me by a former high school classmate.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

Alan, age 10 -- You got to find someone who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Kirsten, age 10 -- No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Camille, age 10 -- Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Freddie, age 6 -- No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

Derrick, age 8 -- You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Lori, age 8 -- Both don't want any more kids.

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Lynnette, age 8 -- Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Martin, age 10 -- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

Craig, age 9 -- I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

Pam, age 7 -- When they're rich.

Curt, age 7 -- The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't mess with that.

Howard, age 8 -- The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

Theodore, age 8 -- I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.

Anita, age 9 -- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

Kelvin, age 8 -- There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Ricky, age 10 -- Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

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Quote for the Day -- "A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." Groucho Marx