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Topic : Cheated On

If your partner's been unfaithful, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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Dear "played"

It seems that cheating, lying men are running about in great numbers. My, now ex, husband declared he wanted a divorce because he didn't love me anymore and wanted to go work

on/ find himself.

Of course that was a lie and I knew it. I knew where the woman worked that I felt he was seeing, I had even seen her, but did not know her name. He even admitted at one point tht he was inolved with another woman, but then said he made that up to hurt me.

Months after the divorce was final he called and wanted to talk. He thought we should try to get back together. We decided to work things out. Of course, don't you know, he had been celibate all of this time, blah, blah, blah. I really should have never done this. For now I have concrete proof that he was with this woman (27 years younger than he) long before I our divorce papers were even filed.

He continues to lie and lie. I told him I have proof, but he won't cave until I show it to him. He insists very emphatically that he will NEVER admit he had an affair because he didn't. So with this attitude I can no longer even try to go on with him.

I just need to know how to get the strength to just stay away from him. I KNOW I need to. I've started back in counseling to help me with that.

Advice?

I've already done the church thing, the singles group thing, the dating thing, the staying busy thing. But all I want is to be with him. God, what is wrong with this? With me?

I just ordered two books on how to break addiction to a person.

I feel now that I am just a waiting spot in his life. That he waiting for something else to come along or for that slut to take him back. He denies of course, but he is such an accomplished liar I find myself not believing ANYTHING he says. I need to break my connection with him.

HELP!

Girl, there is nothing wrong with you!! There is something wrong with him...he is a very skilled liar and manipulator, and it is GOOD that you already know this-- but since you know this, you have to believe in yourself and get away from this man. You have precious women's intuition for very important reasons- you have an inner voice that guides you, what you need to do is listen to it carefully. Its good that you have ordered books to try to help yourself, but what would happen if the next time he called and wanted to get together, you simply said, "no"...? I urge you to try it, and don't call back. You've got to make a resolution with yourself to stop this back and forth thing with him, because what you feel to be true most likely is; that you are just a waiting spot.

It must be very difficult to look him in the eye when he won't even admit to you that he was with another woman...just because he won't admit it doesn't mean he didn't, and you already know this. You have the inner strength to do this!! You do have it in you, you just don't know it yet. Keep trying to keep yourself busy, keep trying to improve yourself, but most important, listen to your inner voice and LOVE yourself! Once you can truly love and respect yourself, other people will, too. Take care and I wish you the best, because you do deserve it.

Dear Hurtbad

I just wanted to say that I have done some research on Diabetes because my 5 y/o son has it. Diabetes does affect your libido. Also, alcohol will cause a diabetic person to go into a coma and even cause death. Alcohol is nothing but sugar and is definately NOT something a diabetic should drink especially if he is drinking himself into a stupor, he will be drinking himself to his death. He needs to get a job where he can stay at home every night and not be off somewhere else. Counseling will be good for you guys but also HE needs to get counseling for his Diabetes so he will know how to take better care of himself.

Where are all the men in this place?

All women who've been cheated on! Guess what? Most of the divorces I've seen in my circle have been because the women have cheated. yes indeed girls, you're getting your equality by leaps and bounds. the only difference is, men can't take the ex wives to the cleaners, men don't get alimony by default and men don't easily get custody of the children. so what are the choices?.....suffer in silence, lose your children, lose all the finances and we can't even talk to anyone because it's still considered "whining" for men.

You bet it ticks me off.....infidelity hurts men as much as it hurts women.

I'm sorry for any spouse male or female who has been cheated on. i don't think you can ever get over it if you've truly dedicated your life to a person and they just step on you like that.

Confused am certain he is but have no proof

My husband has been showing signs of infidelity. This has been going on for several months now. As he will call from work, using their land-line and if he calls from his cell phone, I get emotionally disturbed. When he calls all happy or come home extremely happy I am certain he has seen someone else. Everytime we watch something on TV involving cheating, he always looks down, and appears guilty. He will not let me have access to his home computer password, or work password. I have called him at work saying I will come out there and take him to lunch he says NO DON'T. or THAT WOULD NOT BE A WISE THING TO DO. I told him someone caled and hung up, then they called again, it was a demale voice. He looked down, basically giving it away that he has seen someone else. He has an ofice in the basement of the site he is working at that has a couch and it's own private bathroom. He frequently works overtime and weekends. I don't know what else to do. I can't jsut pick up and go driving due to a medical condition. PI's cost too much to hire. what other tactics can I use to get to the truth? I have contacted his exwife and she said he cheated on her, his best man has admitted to him cheating on his first wife. So, of course I'm more so on my guard. Any suggestions?

Go to his work

My husband has been showing signs of infidelity. This has been going on for several months now. As he will call from work, using their land-line and if he calls from his cell phone, I get emotionally disturbed. When he calls all happy or come home extremely happy I am certain he has seen someone else. Everytime we watch something on TV involving cheating, he always looks down, and appears guilty. He will not let me have access to his home computer password, or work password. I have called him at work saying I will come out there and take him to lunch he says NO DON'T. or THAT WOULD NOT BE A WISE THING TO DO. I told him someone caled and hung up, then they called again, it was a demale voice. He looked down, basically giving it away that he has seen someone else. He has an ofice in the basement of the site he is working at that has a couch and it's own private bathroom. He frequently works overtime and weekends. I don't know what else to do. I can't jsut pick up and go driving due to a medical condition. PI's cost too much to hire. what other tactics can I use to get to the truth? I have contacted his exwife and she said he cheated on her, his best man has admitted to him cheating on his first wife. So, of course I'm more so on my guard. Any suggestions?

He obviously doesn't want you going to his work for a reason: because he doesn't want to get caught. Wait for a night that he is "working" late and bring him dinner. Don't go alone; bring a friend who you can trust. This way if you find what you think you are going to, you won't have to deal with the situation alone.

Next time someone calls and hangs up, try *69 on your phone. As long as it's not an unlisted number, this will provide you with the last number that called. You can then do a reverse search on 411.com to find out who it belongs to.

There is no reason for you to not have the home computer password. As spouses, there should be nothing hidden from one another. I can understand the work one because that has customer confidential information involved.

Thanks for the advise

He obviously doesn't want you going to his work for a reason: because he doesn't want to get caught. Wait for a night that he is "working" late and bring him dinner. Don't go alone; bring a friend who you can trust. This way if you find what you think you are going to, you won't have to deal with the situation alone.

Next time someone calls and hangs up, try *69 on your phone. As long as it's not an unlisted number, this will provide you with the last number that called. You can then do a reverse search on 411.com to find out who it belongs to.

There is no reason for you to not have the home computer password. As spouses, there should be nothing hidden from one another. I can understand the work one because that has customer confidential information involved.

I wish you luck.

As I said before, it is rather dificult for me to get out and safely drive; due to a medical condition. I think he takes advantage of this. He knows every 2 weeks I am not comfortable driving long distances, if I have to I take side streets and avoid the highway. Should I continue to trust my instinct? I believe I should. As for the computer at his work, he had told me that only his coworkers e-mail him and me. Then he says he got an e-mail from his brother. That's no big deal; what is is the fact that he has lied about it. HIs brother doesn't work for his company. If he has lied about that, I'm most certain he has lied about other isssues. For instance, One day we were talking about having sex in his office and I said I would want it cleaned before we do. Since other people (bosses) have access to the office, you never know what they are doing behind closed doors. He didn't say anything, but looked down with a guoilty look on his face. That told me, he has entertained other people in his office. What would you think if you had this conversation with your husband and he reacted the same way? Asking him won't get me anywhere for he will deny it and say I don't trust him. Which at this point is true. I can recall another time when I was talking on the phone with a friend. We were discussing how her boyfriend had chated on her. When I got off he said to me "you know nothings going on, right?" No man says that or says "prove that I am not" without actually being guilty of the act. What do oyu think? Should I come right out and tel him I don't need proof to tell me of your guilt for you have done it yourself? or should I loet it lie and hope that I find substantial evidence? Still confused on how to handle this, but not blind nor dumb. How do I get the trtith out of him?

Cheating spouse..............

As I said before, it is rather dificult for me to get out and safely drive; due to a medical condition. I think he takes advantage of this. He knows every 2 weeks I am not comfortable driving long distances, if I have to I take side streets and avoid the highway. Should I continue to trust my instinct? I believe I should. As for the computer at his work, he had told me that only his coworkers e-mail him and me. Then he says he got an e-mail from his brother. That's no big deal; what is is the fact that he has lied about it. HIs brother doesn't work for his company. If he has lied about that, I'm most certain he has lied about other isssues. For instance, One day we were talking about having sex in his office and I said I would want it cleaned before we do. Since other people (bosses) have access to the office, you never know what they are doing behind closed doors. He didn't say anything, but looked down with a guoilty look on his face. That told me, he has entertained other people in his office. What would you think if you had this conversation with your husband and he reacted the same way? Asking him won't get me anywhere for he will deny it and say I don't trust him. Which at this point is true. I can recall another time when I was talking on the phone with a friend. We were discussing how her boyfriend had chated on her. When I got off he said to me "you know nothings going on, right?" No man says that or says "prove that I am not" without actually being guilty of the act. What do oyu think? Should I come right out and tel him I don't need proof to tell me of your guilt for you have done it yourself? or should I loet it lie and hope that I find substantial evidence? Still confused on how to handle this, but not blind nor dumb. How do I get the trtith out of him?

I think you need to trust your instinct. Way too often, we women dismiss our instincts...we ignore that little voice in the back of our heads, we ignore that heavy feeling in our heart/chest when we KNOW we have caught our spouse lieing about something....don't ever ignore your instincts!! You have sufficient reasons to be suspicious, I know that I would be very suspicious if I were you. Do you have a close friend or family member who you could have drive you to his work to "surprise" him with dinner? Your friend/family member doesn't need to know your real purpose if you don't want to tell them, just let them know you feel like doing something special for your husband since he won't be home for dinner.

Even if there is no way you can get there to catch him red handed, I still say to trust your instincts. As you said, asking or telling him that you think or know he is having an affair will only bring on his denial, so what are your other options? The only one I can think of is asking him to come to marriage counceling with you. The purpose of the marriage counceling will be to learn how to communicate better, learn how to put the "newness" back into your marriage, and if needed- how to forgive and move forward, or, if you can't forgive, then just how to move forward. If he won't go to councleing...you have an answer...if he won't go, that means he must have something to hide. Also, if he wont go, I urge you to go for yourself. It will be very helpful for you to talk with a professional to figure out the reasons why you have tolerated this behavior and how can you change this. I wish you the best.

flaw.. where am I going?

Hi. I wanted to share my story and hope to find someone out there who understands how I feel and give me any advice or comment on it. I am now wondering if I might have been doing worthless efforts to try to save our marriage and being so fool. My hus and I have been married for a year and half although we have been knowing each other for several years.

He started to act weird for last couple of months like being cold and not showing affection to me and trying to avoid my hug and kisses. Recently he told me that he has someone in his life for whom he has deep feelings and she provides him things he likes and he wants such as intimacy and excitement. When he told me the story, I felt like all the trust I had for him for years was falling and I got hurt so much and had pain and sadness all over my heart and body. I kept crying for a couple of days and wished I could disappear from where I was, so I could get out of all these horrible things around me. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and still does love me and want to be with me and doesn't want to divorce. However, even he said that he was full of sadness and regret for the stupid selfish things he has done after he saw me suffering from being so much in pain I got from his story, he says he will not stop seeing his lady and try to meet her as much as he can, and also asked me not to ask him to stop doing it. He just says he does not know what to do about this situation now and has no idea what's gonna happen in the future. He doesn't want to change anything right now but wants to see how things will go for a while. His lady seems to have same idea about this situation which I can understand because she is also married although they have been separated but she has had a boyfriend for years whom she says she still loves. She seems to tell my hus that she doesn't want to hurt me however she should know that does a lot.

He married three times before he married to me and everytime he ended up them with divorce and all his kids are belonging to his x-wives.

I should have realized that something was not right about him before I married to him but I was blind and just wanted to be with him at that time.

We had/has some problems after we married like most of married couples will have I think, but I have been trying to fix those problems by myself and/or with him as much as I could but it seems he just couldn't wait. This time, I found out that he is the person who doesn't try to resolve problems instead of running away from them and getting involved in another relationship where he can have things he wants and his own happiness.

The problem is even after I heard his story, I still love him and can't hate nor blame him to what he has done to me. I really don't like what he did and also know that what he says doesn't make any sense at all to me. It'll be very hard for me to continue to live like this and I will have to find an answer to what to do about my life. I feel like I am totally lost now. Will anyone give me any advice or comments?

played

It seems that cheating, lying men are running about in great numbers. My, now ex, husband declared he wanted a divorce because he didn't love me anymore and wanted to go work

on/ find himself.

Of course that was a lie and I knew it. I knew where the woman worked that I felt he was seeing, I had even seen her, but did not know her name. He even admitted at one point tht he was inolved with another woman, but then said he made that up to hurt me.

Months after the divorce was final he called and wanted to talk. He thought we should try to get back together. We decided to work things out. Of course, don't you know, he had been celibate all of this time, blah, blah, blah. I really should have never done this. For now I have concrete proof that he was with this woman (27 years younger than he) long before I our divorce papers were even filed.

He continues to lie and lie. I told him I have proof, but he won't cave until I show it to him. He insists very emphatically that he will NEVER admit he had an affair because he didn't. So with this attitude I can no longer even try to go on with him.

I just need to know how to get the strength to just stay away from him. I KNOW I need to. I've started back in counseling to help me with that.

Advice?

I've already done the church thing, the singles group thing, the dating thing, the staying busy thing. But all I want is to be with him. God, what is wrong with this? With me?

I just ordered two books on how to break addiction to a person.

I feel now that I am just a waiting spot in his life. That he waiting for something else to come along or for that slut to take him back. He denies of course, but he is such an accomplished liar I find myself not believing ANYTHING he says. I need to break my connection with him.

HELP!

Liars and cheats have been in the world since day one. Men seem to have the cheating advantage, but I am sorry to say it looks like women are coming up fast.

OF COURSE, he was working on finding himself. But this is only half a sentence. He was working on finding himself...... a new bit of skirt. See, very clear when you complete the sentence. But you already knew that.

I bet he cannot even spell celibate, much less demonstrate it.

The one thing you can be sure of is that the hoochie dumped him. That is why he saw the light.

Cheaters confess in stages in the best circumstance. Their motto is "deny, deny, deny and when shown proof, continue to deny". If caught red-handed (or whatever) say it only happened once and WILL NEVER happen again. Never mind about the other hundred times-they don't count cos you didn't get caught.

Your refusal to produce you proof has him worried. He cannot make up a good story until he know the details now can he? How inconsiderate of you to make him have to think and maybe even tell SOME truth just by accident. NOT

The WORST mistake I made with my H was to show him the emails I had found. IF you do share your proof make sure you have another copy hidden where he cannot get to it.

You know the answer to your question. You cannot trust him and without trust I do not know why you would stay. Truth is this is probably just the one you found out about.

Keep doing the extra stuff, church, dating, staying busy, etc. AND you need physical and emotional distance from him. He can only keep you waiting if you cooperate. Do not go to his home and do not let him visit you. Don't go to places he will be or drive past his office. If there are kids get a third party to act as go-between when he picks them up. Let answer machine take his messages and keep conversation you must have short and relevant. DO NOT wander down memory lane with him. And most of all-DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.

nikolai

All women who've been cheated on! Guess what? Most of the divorces I've seen in my circle have been because the women have cheated. yes indeed girls, you're getting your equality by leaps and bounds. the only difference is, men can't take the ex wives to the cleaners, men don't get alimony by default and men don't easily get custody of the children. so what are the choices?.....suffer in silence, lose your children, lose all the finances and we can't even talk to anyone because it's still considered "whining" for men.

You bet it ticks me off.....infidelity hurts men as much as it hurts women.

I'm sorry for any spouse male or female who has been cheated on. i don't think you can ever get over it if you've truly dedicated your life to a person and they just step on you like that.

As I have stated before I think men have the edge on cheating, but we women are working hard to catch up. AND what really grinds my cookies is that when women cheat we usually damage another innocent female and her children. I could NEVER do to another woman what has been done to me.

I also believe the divorce economics issue is slowly changing-support, custody, etc.

Yes, infidelity is an equal opportunity situation and it hurts worse than any experience in my life, including my mother's death.

We usually have one or two men on this board, but I think the new format has driven them away.