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I’m sorry. That $10 sign doesn’t say welcome. It says EMOCLEW. Unless I’m living in Upsidedownlandia. If not, isn’t that (gasp) the BACKWARDS of Welcome?

You put your stuff on Craigslist because you want to, like, sell it, right? I have been searching through Craigslist in hope of finding something wonderful (as yet unknown) to make my woman cave perfect, and it has taught me many lessons about the fine art of photography. I have learned that, contrary to popular opinion, Ansel Adams, Margaret Bourke-White, and their ilk did more than click the shutter and say cheese. Because Craigslist photos are in a class by themselves.

1. Nothing says I am a very, very bad chair that is being punished by being stuck in the basement next to some fishing poles, a blue pipey thing, something green and a black milk crate like this photo. What doesn’t it match in the picture? Everything. What does that mean? It means why does anyone need ONE kitchen table chair. Oh chair, poor, poor chair, I suspect your exile will continue.

2. What is it, alien quintuplets and their octopus-like mother? No. It is a chandelier, reputedly in VERY good shape, even though it looks as if it has crashed down directly onto the world’s most depressing dining room table, complete with duct tape strips and a used tissue. $40.

3. Every once in a while you come upon an old soldier who has served his or her country greatly and is now ready for retirement. This bedspread and matching dust ruffle set has the look as well. It looks so so old that even Granny has farmed it out to the guest room, just so her guests can immediately feel depressed when they look at it, remembering the cheapest, saddest motels they ever resorted to committing some still unforgiven and deeply sordid sin in. $30.

4. Hey, mad scientists and esoteric drug abusers, this looks like something just for you! But you’re wrong. It’s a glass oil candle set, photographed in black and white next to a box on a table that screams “basement”!! What are glass oil candles? I don’t really know. And frankly, this picture isn’t the deal breaker that’s going to make me care to find out.

5. This photo of a $10 Rival Crockpot is a reminder that next time you want to surprise your family with Cheesy Beans and Franks or Chicken and Poi Surprise, remember to place the crockpot in a precarious position on a bunch of random books, right next to the important letters you just opened, on the off-chance that boiling beans will do their magic and topple straight over. Also, when photographing an object you want to sell, remember: Never, EVER remove pointless clutter from photo because nothing says “home” like “piles of old notebooks, catalogs, and phone books.”