KNOW YOUR OPPONENT: Detroit Red Wings

Ah yes, the time has finally come to write my horribly inappropriate post about the Red Wings. I have never been shy about my love, or rather lust, over the Red Wings and their tight Swedish asses. When you get that much sexual Swedish gene pool on one team, it’s bound to make clothes come off. In fact, the Red Wings might make up the entire starting line-up for Team Sweden at the Olympics.

Tre Kronor?

More like Tre Boner…AMIRITE??

(I’ll show myself out)

Those legs, I would climb that like you would not believe….

Unfff that hair, fucking wowwwww

Oh god…the smolder…it can’t get better than that

Wait, what?

Jonathan Ericsson’s brother is even hotter???

NO PANTS, NO PANTS NOW!

I love the Red Wings for many other reasons as well, like how they made the Ducks their bitch last year in the playoffs. Man, how great was that?

I wish I could get this tattooed on me, because I love it that much.

This years version of the Red Wings, however, is struggling to live. They quite literally have like 10 dead guys on the roster at this point. It’s like Darren Helm infected the team with his weird voodoo shit. I love Darren Helm, mostly because he’s allergic to shirts, but dammit it would be nice to dress more than five guys who don’t still use pull-ups.

Fuck.

The team this year is held together by duct tape and wired coat hangers. Long gone are the days of absolute dominance and guaranteed success. Honestly, if this team wasn’t in the dreadful Eastern Conference, they wouldn’t even have a shot of making the playoffs. They have guys like Luke Glendening and Riley Sheahan playing every night.

If there’s one thing that instills fear into the heart of opponents, it’s Tinky Winky!

Everyone was crying that Justin Abdelkader playing on the top line with Pavel Datsyuk last season was the absolute rock bottom of this franchise. Well, I guess they were wrong, because this year has been so much worse.

If they’re going to have groin injuries, I wish I could at least be the one to give it to them.

Same.

Of course, knowing the Kings, they enjoy playing to the level of their opponent. So instead of taking advantage of a weaker opponent, they’ll instead play like they’re missing missing a left nut, and then shit themselves. So it’s best to just remember the Red Wings as they once were, and to just pretend that’s still happening.

Anyway, Go Kings. Don’t shit the bed this time.

Oh hush, Darren.

(We’ll hang later. Call me.)

One Girl One Puck is The Royal Half’s resident creeper. Her amazing posts, “Know Your Opponent“, have become a fan “favorite”. If any hockey player did anything stupid at any point of their life, and if someone was kind enough to take a picture, there’s a 100% chance she will put it in a post. She has been a Kings fan for over 15 years, even through the years when Jere Karalahti played “defense”.One Girl One Puck is also the co-founder of the hugely popular Tumblr page "Drew Doughty in Blue Jays Hats." It's exactly what you think it is. If you enjoy pointless posts about hockey players butts, she’s your girl!You can follow One Girl, One Puck on Twitter @OneGirlOnePuck.