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Marigny Theatre

Our generation has seen a wealth of wardrobe malfunctions, from Janet Jackson’s Superbowl boob flash to Britney’s inability to exit a car wearing her knickers.

Turns out, this trend is steeped in tradition dating all the way back to 1904.

Really, what moron designed that costume? Fredrick’s of Hollywood doesn’t even attempt at a teddy that daring, let alone one that would require that much plastic, whale bone, and steel to remain upright under the force of such ginormous decolletage. And even if they did, I bet few girls, save perhaps the late Anna Nicole, would dare wear it.

Yes, that breast-to-waist ratio makes Barbie look like she was modeled after a real live woman. Who knew? I guess Mattel can now stop rebranding that plastic doll of Aqua fame; she’s apparently historically accurate.

Of course, I still have my doubts as to whether or not this buxom lass is based on an actual human being. I mean, if such things are true, why does she seem to lack any contours to her chest? Where are her clavicles, her cleavage, or even the rest of her side-boob? It’s almost as if her entire upper torso has melted into that terribly ineffective bodice, like some sort of horrific heating accident at Madame Tussauds.

Moving on from our awkwardly-breasted friend, let’s consider her companions for a second, shall we? Well, Tweedle Drunk appears to have the longest and most unkempt ponytail of all time, perhaps meant to compliment his equally-long and fluffy mustache. I personally love the little kissy face he’s sporting alongside two overly-rouged cheeks of besotted glory.

And let’s not forget Tweedle Creep, who seems to be only 40% human. The rest of him is equal parts Vulcan (note the Spock ears) and Rock ‘em Sock ‘em figurine (that hand is anything but flesh). Also, given the state of his nose, I’m led to believe that he’s in the tertiary stages of syphilis.

And why do they both have angel wings? Who let them raid the costume department for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show? Have not those poor girls suffered enough?!

Should these be your kind of people, I highly suggest putting in a bid for November 8 — with a $1700 low estimate, I am seriously considering how much money I would pay to make everyone that comes into my home a bit uncomfortable. Kinda worth it, isn’t it?