FEZ

FERGUSON

FEZ

FERGUSON

SHEIK

FERGUSON

Yes, but not you either, number one. I want to hear from the
other person who is next to number two. I'm looking at you sir. You in the
middle. I'm looking right at you. You. No, not you.

Ok, let's try to do this differently. I'm going to count to
three, and when I get to three, I want all of you to say "terror" together. Do
you all understand? Ok, let's try it now. Ready? One...

SHEIK

Terror.

FERGUSON

No, not yet, wait until three. One...Two...

FEZ

Tello.

FERGUSON

Three. Yes, now. Everyone.

SHEIK, FEZ, TURBAN, BELLY DANCER, SANTA

Terror.

FERGUSON

Yes!

The OLD LADY is asleep.

O'TOOLE

I need some air.

Outside

O'TOOLE is walking by a tacqueria. He sees the word burrito
painted on the wall. He sees a message painted on the sidewalk:

NO SKATEBOARDS OR BIKES

He thinks deeply.

O'Toole's Apartment.

LUCILLE

So how is that terrorism thing going?

O'TOOLE

Captain Shirley took it away from me today. He gave it to
Ferguson.

LUCILLE

I'm not surprised. You know why he does that, don't you?
He's jealous of you. Yes, it's true. He remembers that you carried him through
the Police Academy. You should be the captain, not him.

O'TOOLE

I don't want to be the captain. I can't stand all the
politics and in-fighting that go with that job. I just want to be an honest
cop.

LUCILLE

But you don't mind making me live in a dump like this. It is
hard living in Edge City on an honest cop's salary. Why can't you be more
ambitious? Why can't you take better care of me?

Pause.

O'TOOLE

That reminds me. I had a great idea today.

LUCILLE

What this time?

O'TOOLE

Well, this terrorist we're after is always a couple of moves
ahead of us. It is like he knows what we're going to do before we do it.

LUCILLE

So?

O'TOOLE

So I think he has somehow gotten a copy of the Police
Book. The Police Book contains all of our plans and procedures, all
of our means and methods.

LUCILLE

So?

O'TOOLE

So the only way to take him down is to come up with a system
that he can't anticipate. Something that can go anywhere. Something that isn't
in the book. A unicycle.

LUCILLE

A unicycle? You will never get promoted if you come up with
crazy stuff like this.

O'TOOLE

It's not crazy. Trust me, Lucille, it will work. I'm sure of
it.

LUCILLE

Have you ever even ridden a unicycle before?

O'TOOLE

No.

LUCILLE

I think it is really difficult. Especially for someone old
and stupid like you. What if you aren't able to learn to ride it?

Backstage.

We see grips and actors walking around. BANDITO GRANDE turns to face the camera,
removing his sombrero.

BANDITO GRANDE

Hi! I'm Clement Farbunkle. But you might know me better as
Bandito Grande. I am stepping out of character for a moment to thank you for
joining us in this historic first presentation of the JCFang Internet Theatre.

In the weeks and decades ahead, we plan to bring you the best programming possible,
and always at no cost to you. All you have to do is go to our website, JCFang.com,
and download any of our fine programs, of which this is the first, if not the
finest.

Feel free to make copies of these shows and share them with your friends and
loved ones. Just remember that all of the copies must also be free. And to preserve
the dignity of these performances, please, no editing.

If you like me in this program, and would like to see me come back in future
episodes, then please go to www.JCFang.com/bandito and cast your vote.

As my way of thanking you, I would like to now tell you a
funny joke. Ok, here goes.

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts.

The producers are signalling that the program is about to
continue. So we will now go back to Unicycle Cop: The Wheel of Justice. There
will be no further interruptions.

And watch for me. I'll be wearing this hat. And vote for me
at www.JCFang.com/bandito.

O'Toole's Apartment.

LUCILLE and FERGUSON are in bed. She is giving him a hand
job under the covers.

FERGUSON

I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.

LUCILLE

I didn't plan on this. It just happened.

FERGUSON

Same here.

LUCILLE

I mean, I love Sven.

FERGUSON

Who is Sven?

LUCILLE

My husband, Sven O'Toole. I thought you worked together.

FERGUSON

Oh, we do. It's just I always thought his name was Snappy.

LUCILLE

Oh, no, he hates that name. Vern gave it to him at the
academy.

FERGUSON

Vern?

LUCILLE

Captain Vernon Shirley. Your boss?

FERGUSON

Oh, him.

LUCILLE

Anyway, Sven and I are going through sort of a rough patch
right now. I wish he would open up more. He never cries. I mean, I hurt him all
the time, but he never cries. I hate that.

FERGUSON

I can cry.

LUCILLE

Of course you can, and I love that about you.

You can relax, he's not going to be back for hours.

FERGUSON

Where is he?

LUCILLE

You're not going to believe this. He is off learning to ride
a unicycle.

FERGUSON

What?

LUCILLE

Yeah, he actually thinks that he can use the unicycle to
beat a terrorist.

FERGUSON

But unicycles aren't in the book.

LUCILLE

That's what he keeps saying.

Locker room.

O'TOOLE is putting on his gear: padded shorts, shin/knee
guards, back guard, elbow guards, and wrist guards. The brandname (Pro-Tec) is
quite visible. He puts on his police shoes and helmet, grabs his unicycle, and
wheels it outside.

Training montage.

O'TOOLE gets on the unit for the first time, and immediately
falls off. We watch him painfully learn to ride. Once he has mastered it, he
rides up to the peak of Mount Edgy and looks down upon all of Edge City.

Captain's office.

The meeting is attended by the CAPTAIN, O'TOOLE, FERGUSON,
LITWAK, and maybe a few others.

CAPTAIN

What do we know today that we didn't know yesterday?

FERGUSON flips through his notebook.

FERGUSON

Well...uh...We are pretty sure that the Big Burrito is not
one of the usual terrorists.

CAPTAIN

Pretty sure?

FERGUSON

We are solidly pretty sure.

CAPTAIN

So we have ruled out five of the 3,694,820 people who live
in Edge City.

FERGUSON

And you can also rule out all of us.

CAPTAIN

Are you pretty solidly sure of that?

FERGUSON

Yes sir.

CAPTAIN

So it's just the other 3,694,810 people that we're not sure
of.

Look people. This city is scared to death. The mayor is
scared to death. Everyone is counting on us to stop the terror. But to date, we
have made no progress, and this non progression has got to stop! So what should
we do? I'm open to suggestions.

O'TOOLE

I think the Big Burrito has a copy of the book.

CAPTAIN

What book?

O'TOOLE

The Police Book. That's the only possible explanation
for his ability to constantly stay ahead of us. It's the only thing that makes
sense.

CAPTAIN

Oh no. You might be right. Oh my god. What can we do?

O'TOOLE

I think we can beat him with a unicycle.

FERGUSON

A unicycle? That's crazy talk!

CAPTAIN

No, wait. I want to hear him out.

O'TOOLE

Unicycles are not in the book, so he'll have no idea what
its capabilities are or how to respond.

O'TOOLE produces a large set of flip charts.

O'TOOLE

A unicycle is superior to all other forms of police
transport in three critical areas: Visibility. Stealth. Versatility.

First, visibility. Notice that a unicyclist's head is
elevated about a foot higher than a walker's head. That extra foot can make all
the difference in observing a suspect. A bicycle rider's head is usually facing
the dirt, so a bicycle is not a comfortable observation platform. Only the
horse provides greater visibility, but the horse also has huge support and
service costs, and also has a waste management problem.

LITWAK

Poop.

O'TOOLE

Second, Stealth. A unicycle is quieter than a car. It is
quieter than a bike because there is only one wheel on the ground and there is
no chain or derailler noise. A unicycle is even quieter than walking. With a
unicycle, it is possible to approach a suspect with no warning.

Third, Versatility. There are places in this city where only
a cop on a unicycle can go.

CAPTAIN

Like where?

FERGUSON

Birthday parties!

Everyone laughs except O'TOOLE.

The Terrorist Lair.

BANDITO GRANDE

See this? This is the Police Book. This is what makes
it possible to operate with impunity. The book contains all of their plans and
procedures; all of their means and methods. As long as we use this book, they
never catch us.

Let me give you an example. When they are on page 24, I am
on page 26! See! I am always ahead of them! Heh heh!

Captain's office.

O'TOOLE

You asked to see me, Captain?

CAPTAIN

Yes, Snappy. Please come in, and close the door.

I talked to the Mayor, and I got you provisional approval
for your unicycle program.

O'TOOLE

That's great.

CAPTAIN

But there are two conditions: First, you cannot carry a
weapon while you are on the unit. They don't want an untried technology getting
out of control.

O'TOOLE

That means I'll be defenseless out there. I'll be a sitting
duck.

CAPTAIN

That's the deal.

O'TOOLE

Ok. What's the second condition?

CAPTAIN

You have to entertain at the mayor's kid's birthday party
tomorrow.

Mayor's kid's birthday party.

O'TOOLE is blowing up balloons and tying balloon animals as
screaming kids run around, kicking him in the shinguards. The CAPTAIN is
keeping an eye on him.

O'TOOLE

This is the part of the job I hate!

CAPTAIN

O'Toole! I want a word with you.

O'TOOLE walks over to the CAPTAIN with his unfinished
giraffe. The CAPTAIN gets in his face.

CAPTAIN

Don't copy me. Don't argue, and don't ever copy me. "This is
the part of the job I hate," that's my catch phrase. It is original with me. I
don't want you using it. Ever again. Get your own catch phrase, stop copying
me. Don't copy me. Don't copy me. If I ever hear of you using my catch phase, I
will haul you up before the MPAA on infringement charges. Do I make myself clear?

O'TOOLE

Crystal.

CAPTAIN

This is the part of the job I hate.

O'TOOLE

Me too.

CAPTAIN

Watch it!

Captain's office.

CAPTAIN

We just got an anonymous tip. Burrito Grande is right
outside this building! He is taunting us! This taunting has got to stop! Go get
him. Now!

Chase.

O'TOOLE, FERGUSON, and LITWAK burst out of the building.
O'TOOLE mounts his unit and takes off after BANDITO GRANDE. FERGUSON and LITWAK
go to a patrol car, and find that it is locked.

FERGUSON

Do you have the keys?

LITWAK

I thought you had them.

They run back in the building.

Meanwhile, the chase continues. FERGUSON and LITWAK burst
out of the building again. They pass O'TOOLE and are about to catch up to
BANDITO GRANDE when they stop at a barrier. BANDITO GRANDE heh hehs as he runs
through the barrier. O'TOOLE rides through it.

FERGUSON

Damn it!

LITWAK

Poop.

BANDITO GRANDE turns right and starts up some steep steps.
He is about to gloat when O'TOOLE simply dismounts and carries his unit up the
stairs.

BANDITO GRANDE

Captain's office.

Debriefing.

CAPTAIN

O'TOOLE

CAPTAIN

O'TOOLE

No, it's working. This was the closest we've ever gotten to
him. I think next time I'll take him down.

CAPTAIN

What if you fall again?

O'TOOLE

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Besides, I got a lot closer on a unicycle than they did in a squad car.

FERGUSON

We would have had him but you got in our way.

CAPTAIN

So what do you suggest?

O'TOOLE

I want to get on the street, and start getting the word out
that there's a unicycle on the job.

On the streets of Edge City.

O'Toole on patrol.

DISPATCHER VO

One wheeler: Look out for crime. Over.

KID

Where's the rest of your bike?

Captain's office.

CAPTAIN

Ferguson! Get in here!

FERGUSON

Yes, Captain?

CAPTAIN

We just got an anonymous tip. The Big Burrito is getting a
lap dance at the Beach Bunny Club. Snappy is on unicycle patrol on the west
side. Get a message to him. Hurry! We stand a damn good chance of catching him
with his pants down! Go! Now!

Online.

Ferguson is sitting in front of a computer, entering a
dispatch request.

To: One Wheeler

Subject: See the terrorist at the Beach Bunny Club.

He backspaces a few times.

Subject: See the terrorist at the Beach.

He submits the message.

On the streets of Edge City.

O'Toole on patrol.

DISPATCHER VO

One wheeler: See the terrorist at the beach. Over.

He responds.

At the Beach Bunny Club.

BANDITO GRANDE has a STRIPPER on his lap.

BANDITO GRANDE

I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.

You know, they call me the Big Burrito.

Do you know why they call me the Big Burrito?

I wish someone would explain it to me. Why do they call me the Big Burrito?
I do not understand this.

But you are very smooth.

On the boardwalk.

O'TOOLE is patrolling.

BEACH BUNNY

Where's the rest of your bike?

MOTHER

Help! That man stole my purse!

O'TOOLE takes off in pursuit. He quickly catches up to the
SNATCHER. He leaps off the unit and takes him down.

We see the SNATCHER lying face down in a pool of his own
blood.

O'TOOLE

Damn.

Captain's office.

O'TOOLE is having a meeting with the CAPTAIN.

CAPTAIN

This excessive use of force has got to stop! In this state
we do not execute people for purse snatching. And even in Texas, purse
snatchers have a right to a fair trial before they are executed.

O'TOOLE

It was an accident.

CAPTAIN

An accident! I was against this unicycle thing from the
beginning. There are too many unknowns. It's too dangerous!

O'TOOLE

But it's working! It is the only thing that has let us get
close to the Big Burrito. I know that if we can just keep the program going a
little bit longer, I can bring him in.

CAPTAIN

Well, it's not going to happen. As of right now, you are
suspended, pending an investigation and a formal hearing. If I were you, I
would start writing screenplays, because you are finished as a cop. Hand over
your weapon and shield.

O'Toole's Apartment.

O'TOOLE

Lucy, I'm home.

LUCILLE

You're late.

O'TOOLE

I'm sorry. A lot happened today.

LUCILLE

You could have called to say you were going to be late.

O'TOOLE

I'm sorry, but I couldn't.

LUCILLE

You couldn't! You care more about that stupid unicycle than
you do about me!

O'TOOLE

No, that's not true. I love you.

LUCILLE

I made you dinner. It got cold, so I put it in the trash.
I'm going to bed.

She walks to the bedroom and slams the door.

The Streets of Edge City at Night.

O'TOOLE rides the streets alone on his unit, smoky lounge
music in the background.

HOMELESS GUY

Hey, where's the rest of your bike?

At the bar.

O'TOOLE is sitting at the bar, talking to the BARKEEP, or
maybe to no one.

O'TOOLE

I have been on the force for 30 years. In all that time, I
have never once fired my weapon in anger. I have never been in a fist fight. I
have never been in a high-speed chase. I have never seen a building explode.
And until very recently, I never killed anybody.

But when you see those cop shows on TV, you would think that
all of those things happen to every cop at least once a week. Television gets
everything wrong.

BANDITO GRANDE is there. We aren't sure how long he has been
listening. He sits down at the bar.

BANDITO GRANDE

Such a sad story, my friend. Hearing such a sad story, I
might begin to weep uncontrollably.

O'TOOLE

The Big Burrito!

BANDITO GRANDE

What? Where? Huh?

Heh heh. Let me share with you my secret for happiness.

You see, my friend, I love television. I love the places it
lets me see from my own living room. I love the stories that it tells. I love
the music it brings to my life.

Ah, but you ask, what about all those obnoxious commercials?
Well, when I am very young, I discover that I don't have to watch them. So
whenever the commercials come on, I get up and do something else. I go to the
kitchen and get something to eat. Or I go to the bathroom and urinate. Or I
torture a small animal.

When I am older, I get the remote control. This is great!
Now when the commercials come on, I flip through the other channels, heh heh.

Ah, but now, I have the TiVo. This is the greatest thing.
Now when the commercials come on, I just go bloop bloop bloop and they are all
gone! Heh heh!

Each year, the advertisers spend 60 billion US dollars to
buy the commercials. Ah, but I don't watch them. I watch all the shows and skip
all of the commercials. It is like stealing 60 billion dollars a year! Heh heh!
That's why I love television. And that's why I go in to the crime business.

We notice that there is an ample supply of Pacific Organic
Oat All Natural Non Dairy Beverage behind the bar.

BANDITO GRANDE

BARKEEP shakes a carton, pops it open, fills two glasses,
and leaves the carton on the bar. BANDITO GRANDE takes a glass.

BANDITO GRANDE

Here's looking up your stack.

Hey, this is really good! Smooth and creamy.

O'TOOLE

It's lactose free and cholesterol free, and enriched with
calcium and vitamins A, D, and B2.

BANDITO GRANDE

And it's delicious! Hey, I'll bet this would be good on
breakfast cereal, too. Where can I get Pacific Organic Oat All Natural Non
Dairy Beverage?

O'TOOLE

You can find it at the better supermarkets, and most health
food stores and natural food stores.

BANDITO GRANDE

Next time I go shopping, I must remember to steal
some! Heh heh, I kid.

O'TOOLE

With Pacific Foods Original Oat beverage, eating healthy and
naturally has never tasted so good.

BANDITO GRANDE

Right you are, my friend. Say, aren't you the ex-unicycle
cop?

O'TOOLE

No, I'm the unicycle ex-cop.

BANDITO GRANDE

As you say. Between you and me, I think it is terrible how
the department treats you.

O'TOOLE

How do you know about that?

BANDITO GRANDE

Are you kidding? I read the book. They don't respect you.
After all your hard work, dedication, and commitment, they throw you off the
team. It is wrong. It is inexcusable. It is not fair. It is immoral. You owe
them nothing now. You are the free agent. So here is the good idea: Come and
join my team.

Seriously. I can use a talented guy like you.

O'TOOLE

Talented?

BANDITO GRANDE

Yeah. You come up with the whole unicycle concept, right?
This is brilliant. You really have me running in circles for a while. And you
write this show, and direct it, and edit it, and compose the music. And on top
of that, I think you're a hell of an actor. I'm not sure that this Clint
Eastwood/Wally Cox thing is working for you, but there is no question that you
have the talent. Just keep perfecting your craft, and polishing your
instrument, heh heh.

So here's the deal. Join me. You'll be the new number two
guy. Working with us you'll get a lot more respect and make a much bigger
impact than you ever could with the other guys. And the pay is a lot better,
too. You'll be at the top of the organization, with no politics and no
in-fighting.

I know it's a lot to think about, so take your time. The
droogs and I will be waiting for you outside.

I hope that your answer is yes, because if it is no, we will
have to kill you.

And thank you for introducing me to the Pacific Organic Oat
All Natural Non Dairy Beverage. It is smooth and creamy.

BANDITO GRANDE leaves with the SHEIK, the FEZ, the TURBAN,
the BELLY DANCER, and the SANTA. O'TOOLE searches his soul, trying to decide
what to do. He may see a montage that replays the funniest moments of the show
so far. We watch the hands on the clock spin around until it is morning, when
we can shoot outside in natural light.

Outside the bar.

O'TOOLE comes out the door with his unit in hand to confront
the terrorists.

BANDITO GRANDE

So at last you come out. I don't mind telling you that we
are all pretty tired to be standing out here waiting all night long. I hope
that you used the time wisely to make the right decision.

So, what do you choose? Do you join us? Or do you die?

O'TOOLE

None of the above. I'm going home.

BANDITO GRANDE

BZZZZT!!! That answer is not on the quiz! Therefore your
answer is wrong; therefore you must die!

The terrorist draw a little closer, menacingly. O'TOOLE
picks up his unit and holds it over his shoulder like a bat.

O'TOOLE

Stand back! I have a unicycle, and I'm not afraid to use it!

BANDITO GRANDE

Heh heh. Be reasonable, man. There are six or seven of us
and only one of you. Just put down the unicycle and let us kill you now.

O'TOOLE

Over my dead body!

BANDITO GRANDE

Oki doki. Aiiiiii!

O'TOOLE swings the unicycle at the BANDITO GRANDE. We see
his POV, with the tire end of the unit looming larger. We see the unit's POV,
with the BANDITO GRANDE looming larger. We see BANDITO GRANDE struck and his
head knocked back. The other terrorists look on in shock and awe. Some of them
are forced to look away.

O'TOOLE

You have the right to remain silent.

BANDITO GRANDE is lying on the ground with a tire tread
embossed across his face. The other terrorists drop to their knees and beg for
mercy.

Edge City.

Scenes of the city.

ANCHORWOMAN (VO)

The dreaded international terrorist Bandito Grande and his gang of terroristas
were captured single-handedly this morning in front of a popular Edge City night
club by Sven "Snappy" O'Toole, Edge City's Unicycle Cop. It is expected that
the Mayor will bestow the city's highest police honor on O'Toole. Once again,
Edge City is safe from terrorism.

O'Toole's apartment.

LUCILLE and FERGUSON and LITWAK are in bed, watching TiVo.

LITWAK

I don't like sand.

LUCILLE

Shhh!

ANCHORWOMAN (VO)

We will resume our regular programming right after this word
from Pacific Organic Oat All Natural Non Dairy Beverage. It is smooth and
creamy.

The TiVo remote control goes bloop bloop bloop.

Captain's office.

O'TOOLE

You asked to see me, Captain?

CAPTAIN

Yes, Snappy. Please come in, and close the door.

Good work on bringing in the Big Burrito and his cell.

O'TOOLE

Thank you, sir.

CAPTAIN

The mayor wants me to give this to you. It is supposed to be
some big honor.

He unlatches the medal, exposing the pin, and throws it at
O'TOOLE.

O'TOOLE

Ow!

CAPTAIN

He also wants you reinstated effective immediately. So
here's your weapon back.

CAPTAIN throws a gun at O'TOOLE.

O'TOOLE

What th--!

CAPTAIN

And your shield...

CAPTAIN is about to throw the shield, but stops, looks at
it, and becomes thoughtful. An oboe starts to play.

CAPTAIN

I know that we've had our disagreements over the years, and
we haven't always seen eye to eye on everything, but the one simple fact is
this: You are a damn good cop, and I'm proud to have you serving in my unit.

O'TOOLE

Stop it, Captain, you're going to make me cry.

CAPTAIN (struggling to hold back tears)

This is the part of the job...

O'TOOLE (also struggling)

You don't have to say it...

Unable to speak without crying, CAPTAIN salutes. O'TOOLE
returns the salute. A twoshot reveals that that are standing only a foot apart,
saluting each other, sobbing. We hold this shot much too long.

Sunset.

O'TOOLE rides west, into the setting sun, on his trusty
unit.

Roll credits and product URLs.

Coda.

O'TOOLE

Hi kids. I'm Sven O'Toole, the unicycle cop. Whether you're
riding on one wheel or two or four, always remember to wear your helmet. My
helmet was made by Pro-Tec. See you next time on JCFang Internet Theatre.