Sorry folks, but I don't give a shoot about those pandas

Apologies if this makes Tian Tian and Yang Guang choke on today's portion of deep-fried bamboo with salt 'n' sauce, but surely I'm not the only one who couldn't give an Eartha Kitt about Edinburgh Zoo's latest exhibits? As Christmas fast approaches (yep, the shops have started selling Easter eggs) homeless Scots are living on the streets, kids are starving and Hearts' players are only being part-paid.

Apologies if this makes Tian Tian and Yang Guang choke on today's portion of deep-fried bamboo with salt 'n' sauce, but surely I'm not the only one who couldn't give an Eartha Kitt about Edinburgh Zoo's latest exhibits? As Christmas fast approaches (yep, the shops have started selling Easter eggs) homeless Scots are living on the streets, kids are starving and Hearts' players are only being part-paid.

So who the hell cares about a pair of useless pandas? They were flown over on a £160million private jet (the Boeing 777 Panda Express) before moving into their £300,000 state-of-the-art des res in the west end of Edinburgh.

And what exactly do we get in return for all this dosh? I mean, can they talk? Have they hatched a plan that will get the trams open quicker? Or, as I imagine, are they just going to sit on their big hairy bahookies doing the square root of hee-haw? That's why I had to laugh yesterday when I read they were suffering from jet lag.

Sorry, but how exactly can you tell? You don't need to be Sir David Attenborough to know that lying in their scratcher all day is exactly what they do.

I mean, they were hardly likely to have a quick shower and shave at the zoo before taking a stroll up the Royal Mile to the castle, or hitting the shops on Princes Street.

Nah, sorry folks, but life's far too short to watch two overblown pyjama cases enjoying some serious zeds for day. 18 hours every ry day ay.

Which makes me wonder, who exactly were the zoomers that formed the "flag-waving crowds" when Tian Tian and Yang Guang arrived in Edinburgh? Away and work!

The pandas were apparently "extremely happy" on the plane. Aye, but I bet the human passengers locked up in the hold weren't quite so thrilled.

The in-flight meal consisted of carrots, bamboo shoots and dried rice pancakes, which made them the envy of anyone who's ever flown easyJet.

Actually, they say it was carrots, bamboo and rice cakes, but I bet the minute the plane doors closed they were upgraded to first-class for vintage champagne and lobster thermidor.

According to reports, Princess Anne told officials two years ago the royal family were "very interested" in bringing the animals to Scotland. Especially the Duke of Edinburgh - who fancies a bit of shooting practice.

They reckon the pandas will attract more than a million visitors to Edinburgh Zoo every year.

So what? I honestly reckon you'd draw an even bigger crowd by filling a cage with Marvin and one of his pals from The Scheme. Who wouldn't pay 17 quid to see that? Contrary to popular belief, I should point out this wasn't a direct swap deal with Alex Salmond (I know whose straw I'd sooner change every morning) and I think the pandas are only in Scotland because they need the cages in China for human-rights activists.

Serious question: do you think Tian Tian and Yang Guang are the only eight-year-olds from China who can't make a decent pair of trainers? And here's the really big question: will they mate? Well, they're an unmarried couple living on handouts. What do you think? (Incidentally, that last joke was sponsored by a Daily Mail reader who informs me the pandas names translate as Asylum Seeker One and Asylum Seeker Two.) Seriously, though, relocate their cage to Sighthill and I reckon they'll have 14 bairns in no time.

However, it seems they'll need to get their skates on if they want to have a sprog in 2012.