Here's A Topic That Will Get Jaws Flapping

Those of us who have grown up in Florida are greatly amused when newcomers get all worked up over the fact there are sharks in the water.

I have been studying these creatures since elementary school, including three science reports.

So I approach sharks, not as a shrill alarmist, but as someone with a solid, biological background on the subject. That said, I am presenting the following frequently asked questions to set the record straight.

Q. Why did hundreds of sharks gather along Florida's west coast last week?

A. They are learning how to herd us.

Q. But I thought this was part of a natural migration pattern.

A. Consider it more of a movable feast.

Q. A story in the newspaper said the odds of getting struck by lightning are much greater than the odds of getting bit by a shark. So why should I be afraid of sharks?

A. Lightning has much greater access to people than sharks. Lightning even goes through windows and zaps people in their houses. Sharks, however, only can bite people who are in the ocean or who are sunbathing on the sand within 20 feet of the water (a highly motivated shark can crawl short distances).

Q. So what are the true odds of someone in the ocean getting bit?

A. About the same odds a golfer who is holding a 9 iron in the air during an electrical storm has of getting struck by lightning.

Q. But I thought sharks didn't like humans because we are not their natural prey.

A. Sharks have the eating habits of a typical University of Florida student an hour after smoking marijuana. Sharks have been found with license plates, paint cans and tires in their stomachs. Anything that fits in a shark's mouth is its natural prey.

Q. Don't sharks bite people by accident, mistaking them for mullet?

A. A shark can smell a drop of blood from a mile away. Don't you think it can smell the difference between you and a mullet? Sharks enjoy the taste of a good human, particularly with the variety of flavors provided by various coconut-oil lotions.

Q. Then how come most sharks simply take one bite and swim off?

A. They are preserving the resource.

Q. What should I do if I am attacked by a shark?

A. Stick a scuba tank in its mouth and shoot the tank with a high-powered rifle.

Q. Is it safe to go in the water if you see dolphins?

A. Sharks and dolphins use this urban legend to their advantage. When there is a shortage of prey in the water, dolphins will leap playfully to give people on the beach the all-clear signal. Then the dolphins will use their bony snouts to gently nudge the delighted swimmers out to where the sharks can get them. Dolphins remain very bitter about the whole captivity issue.

Q. Is there an effective shark repellent?

A. Marine biologists have noticed that while Volusia County is the shark-attack capital of the world, there never has been an attack during spring break, a time when booming car stereos direct punk rock and rap at the ocean.

A. National Geographic filmed an excellent documentary, featuring authentic footage of attacks, in Volusia County. But after pressure from tourism officials, the film was sold to director Steven Spielberg, who repackaged it as a fictional movie called Jaws.