7 Things You Didn’t Know Can Kill You

Next time you’re home for Thanksgiving and Ma’ asks you to help with the pecan pie - don’t. She’s probably trying to kill you Boston Molasses Disaster-style. If you’re not familiar with the 1919 incident, a large molasses storage tank exploded and sent the thick, sugary goo rushing down the street where it claimed 21 victims. “Psst, James Cameron, you should turn this into a 4-hour movie about love and sacrifice,” whispered Billy Zane.

Swans

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Photo: iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Earlier this year a leisurely kayak outing turned into deadly disaster when a swan charged Anthony Hensley’s boat and, according to witnesses, actively blocked him from swimming to shore, causing him to drown. Who knew such graceful birds could be such assholes? “Psst. James. Me again. How about a swan movie, huh?” said Billy Zane in a direct message sent via Twitter.

Masturbation

Photo: iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Not to discourage you or anything, but apparently when you masturbate 42 times without stopping, like the 16-year-old Brazilian boy did last year, you’ll die. Now you know. The upside: You will be mentioned on Maxim.com.

Lava Lamps

Aiden Bray’s life ended abruptly as he was warming his lava lamp on the stove and it exploded sending shards of glass into his heart. Why was he using a stove? Because using a candle would have been stupid. Duh. This story is like the first Iron Man movie, as made by Gus Van Sant.

Gum

Don’t chew gum in science class because you may accidentally dip it into explosives, put it back in your mouth, and blow off your face, and die. So goes the sad story Ukrainian chemistry student Vladimir Likhonos. When a teacher tells you, “No gum chewing,” rub your face and whisper, “Thank you.”

Beards

Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Hans Steininger goes down in history as the man with the longest beard (4.5 feet!) and one of the most ironic deaths when, during a fire, he tripped over his facial hair and broke his neck. This is why, if you have a long beard, fire officials recommend you stay inside a burning building until help arrives with scissors.

Bookshelves

Photo: iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

You’ve probably imagined some nightmare scenario where your bookshelf suddenly crashed down on you, cracking your skull or pinning you to the floor. But how about one where a family member disappears and, after two weeks of searching, you realize they haven’t been kidnapped but they’ve been crammed behind a bookshelf inside the house. Mariesa Weber went behind the bookshelf to fix a plug, got trapped and suffocated, and no one found her for two weeks. The lesson: Books sucks. How much are those Kindle things, again?