Finally, reader Mike Walters had several solid candidates, including two good ones: "A-Once-in-3-Lifetimes Experience" which speaks to so many fans. Walters also has my favorite so far: "The War of the Wards."

That's the Chicago way.

MIGHT BE: The Cubs trail first-place Houston. The Cubs' remaining games: two at home against the Mets, four at the Pirates, three at the Reds, and three at home against the Pirates.

COULD BE: Houston has three at the Rockies, three at the Cards, three at home against the Giants, and four more against the visiting Brewers. It's going to be close.

IT IS: After the Cubs traded for all these Pirates, it would be odd if Pittsburgh sinks them. Guess it's too late to trade for more Pirates, keep them in Pittsburgh, and have them roll over for seven games. Or is it?

FORGET ABOUT IT: Two complete-game wins made Sox pitcher Bartolo Colon the A.L. Player of the Week. Yes, OK, thanks, put it right over there and keep the eyes on the prize.

WET 'N' WILD: When Japan's Hanshin Tigers clinched a division title, thousands of happy fans jumped off a bridge into a river. Just to be safe, please wear a swimsuit underneath for the next two weeks.

FAREWELL, ADIEU: This is a "bye" week for the Bears. That sounds about right.

FOOTSIE: The Illini football team is 1-2, or 0-2 against Division I teams. Northwestern is 1-2. That's two Big Ten teams combined for one 28-20 win over, ahem, Kansas. How did it ever come to this?

DOG DAYS: Looks like Northern Illinois' stunner over Maryland will be the only big win of the year around here.

The upset was cool, but with the rich pool of high school football talent in these parts, our programs should be pushing teams all over the place.

CHEER UP: Division III University of Chicago is 1-0. Go team.

TRUE LIES: Denver coach Mike Shanahan said quarterback Jake Plummer came out of Sunday's game with a concussion.

After the game the coach confessed that his QB had actually separated his shoulder.

Shanahan said he fibbed so that if Plummer had to go back into the game, the other team wouldn't target the sore shoulder.

NOT-SO-TRUE: Doctors checked Shanahan for signs of a concussion.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH: This whole Will-Maurice-Clarett-stay-or-will-he-go? story really stinks. Have you ever seen so much attention paid to a 20-year-old athlete because of their potential? It's unfair, uncalled for and just inappropriate.

YEAH, BABY: LeBron James' first NBA game can't come soon enough. That 18-year-old is the best basketball player ever.

CATCH-AND-RELEASE: AOL Time Warner found someone to buy the NBA Hawks and NHL Thrashers, and it took far fewer tranquilizer darts than expected.

TOUGH TIMES: The eight-team Women's United Soccer Association folded after just three seasons. Ramifications of the reported J.Lo-Ben Affleck break-up continue to rip this nation apart at the seams.

PERSONAL HERO: A flamboyant German pole vaulter--and that's the first time I've ever typed that phrase--faces a $5,000 fine after he won a meet in Monaco and mooned the crowd, including members of Monaco's royal family. Oh, you prudes.

THE TRANSLATOR

"Marc Bulger will be our quarterback this week. Where that goes, who knows? How long that is, let's not worry about it."