For the third year running young Nick Clegg has been stranded on the road opposite the Liberal Democrat conference venue because Mr Cameron has not allowed him to cross it on his own as it is 'Very busy and dangerous.'

Mr Cameron explained 'Some people thought that I was just doing it to annoy young Nick, as he clearly wants to cross it, but it can be very dangerous and young Nick needs to be 'seen across' by a responsible adult such as Mr Cable. Unfortunately Mr Cable wasn't available at the time, so I am going to ask Mr Gove to arrange for a school crossing patrol to be arranged, but unfortunately that won't be for a couple of weeks because of local authority cutbacks.'

Mr Cameron has suggested that, in the interim, young Nick uses his new iPhone to stream the conference and see who is threatening to oust him as leader, but with less that 8 hours charge remaining young Nick will need a kindly member of the public to lend him an iPhone charger if he is to be made aware of the full list.

'It may well be that young Nick manages to be successful in asking Mr Cable to help him cross the road, and I'm sure Mr Cable will ensure there are no dangerous speeding vehicles around which could spell the end of young Nick should he be unlucky enough to be mowed down accidentally. Mr & Mrs Huehne are expected to attend the conference but I am not aware of which one of them will be driving, unlike Mr Cable.'

'If young Nick does make into the venue to give his leader's speech then we have a special treat for him. A pair of long trousers and a proper tie which doesn't fasten by elastic.'