Saturday, 14 November 2015

Facebook People

Facebook people are the worst. Now I’ve
split my most hated types of Facebookers into groups below so that I stat on
track.

Game/app spammers –

Let us start with these dicks. Everyone has
them on Facebook and everyone has someone blocked from sending them stupid
requests to games and shit.

Who is playing these games? I play actual
video games all the time and never once have I thought “damn let’s sign into Facebook and play imagine we’re a farmer”. I mean
what the fuck? It wouldn’t even be so bad if you didn’t have to bug your (Facebook) friends with this shit, I’ve
had “help (insert name) plant corn”
and “(insert name) needs rope can you
help them out” only if the ropes to hang themselves so they stop sending me
these stupid fucking request. Bit harsh? Maybe I should move on.

Attention seekers –

Next up we have attention seekers.

“OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED
TODAY”

“whats
happened?”

“I’LL INBOX YOU HUN”

If you have to inbox someone about it here’s
a theory… don’t put the original post on Facebook, you dumb fuck. The least you
could do is tell us what’s up in the comments instead of inboxing people. Come
on give us all something to laugh at. No? OK, you absolute click bait whore.

ARRRGH! These people really get me, the please like my status, please comment dipshits who make up
problems to seem as though they’ve got stuff going on in their lives.

This is topped only by the queen of
emotional Facebook whoring. The top of the tree at attention seeking. That’s
right it’s the Facebook is my therapist poster.
The absolute cringe that I’m hit with when I read one of these posts is phenomenal.
Not sure what posts I’m on about? Here’s an example.

“I have been struggling with my mental health a lot
this past couple of years, the dark times never seem to end. But recently there
has been a shining light in my life and I no longer feel all alone. Thank you
all for your support through these tough times, and I wasn’t sure I’d make it. I’m
still not truth be told, but I stay strong and stay positive for you people, I am
proud to call you friends”

Followed by the same person posting a funny
video of a cat falling down the stairs and pictures of them out getting pissed
at the weekend before posting the same fake bullshit next week.

The thing that really pisses me off is
there are people out there who generally need help. Who have real depression
and real problems. So when some childish, attention seeking twat goes fishing
for likes with one of these posts it makes me want to throw up… in a bucket and
pour it over their head, in some sort of sick
bucket challenge to raise awareness of real mental health issues.

I could go on all day about these
fucktards, but you know what they’re not worth it. NEXT!

Serial commenters

Fake post sharers –

Oh these guys, I hate them but love to
laugh at them. I saw two people on my timeline share the same photo of these
supposed dog-nappers once. The only problem being one was in Manchester and the
other was in Portsmouth a 240mile, 5-hour journey in a day just to steal dogs.
Oh and did I mention its was the exact same picture, that was supposedly taken
by both original posters?

Another favourite of mine was in the weeks
leading up to Halloween. People (mostly middle aged white mothers) would share
a photo of these Superman, Playboy, smiley face, skull looking pills that
looked more like Pez candies to me (if
anyone remembers them). With a post saying “people are giving out these ecstasy tablets to children beware this Halloween”,
or some similar sounding shit.

Now I’m not Richard Branson but I think
that if you are a drug dealer and you are giving away your product to someone
too young to think “fuck it, Dad where’s
me pocket money I’ve got to go and get off my tits from that candy that man
gave me on Halloween” then you might just be doing bad business. And just a
whim here as well but to give out molly to every child who visited your house
that night (presuming you live in a town or city) would cost you a fuck load of
money. And lastly come on people have you ever dealt with a drug dealer? You’re
lucky to get what you pay for let alone get freebies. Unless you’re reading
this Frank then keep up the good work buddy I’ll see you Saturday.

Rehashing old photos –

We are nearly at the end of this patchwork
rant now but there are still a few types of Facebook posters I need to mention.

Like the people who share a photo from 4
years ago and comment on what a wonderful night that was and how they love their
friends. Sad fuckers that are stuck in the past and have to cling on to every
little good thing that’s happened to them because come Monday morning they will
be back to that job they hate, to pay for the mortgage on a house that’s literally
a few miles from the house they grew up in.

Also an extension to these posters is the
ones who sign up for and app, usually a horoscope which posts shit on their
wall every-single-day without them having to do a thing. Hell I doubt they even
read it themselves, it’s only purpose to be out there annoying other human
beings.

Bigots –

Also if you are unlucky enough to live in
the UK like I am, you will have come across a Facebook racist. Usually sharing
fake posts from bullshit fucking groups/pages that are anti-muslim, pro-army,
ultra right wing nonsense.

I’m going to give these people as few a
word count as possible as they are mostly what I call English Rednecks.

Bonus round –

Ok here’s a bonus round of the types of
people who piss me of intermittently these people can be; close friends, colleagues
or even people you hardly know or never really see post until you see one of
these; soldiers/nurses should get
footballers wages and footballers should get soldiers/nurses wages, I’m sharing this status as a tribute to/to
raise awareness for… I bet most of you wont have the guts to share this.

OK there’s so much stupid there where do we
start?

Footballers aren’t paid by the government and
nurses and soldiers are. That’s the difference between public and private
sector workers, you moron.

Not having the guts to share a status? Are you
kidding me? Sharing a status about whatever the cause or point you are trying
to make is a big fat fuck all whether it’s a worthy cause or not. So don’t be a
thick cunt you’re not going to save/change the world by sharing this dumb
status, you really care about it get off you arse and do something about it.

Some people are so stupid it hurts.

Oh and people who feel the need to check in
and out of places all the time and tag the people they are with in it. Come on,
no one gives a fuck you’re at nandos, get the fuck off my news feed.

LASTLY –

Well done if you managed to get this far
who knew Facebook could make you rant this much? Oh that’s right everyone, but
everyone still has it don’t they?

The last group I’d like to share are the
serial spammers (but not like any off the ones mentioned above).

These spammers are the ones who rarely post
pictures, rarely post statues but constantly share articles and photos from
pages. Now the reason I left these scum bags until last is… I am one of them. In
fact, the only reason I still have Facebook is to like and share motivational
quotes or news stories you’re not going to get on the BBC. Malcolm X once said
that knowledge is power and it’s the one thing nobody can take away from you, I’m
paraphrasing but that’s the gist of it. I was 15 when I first read that quote
and it was too late for me to start to pay attention in school but it wasn’t too
late for me to educate myself about the world. Which I continue to do everyday.
The reason I share what I do is to hopefully enlighten people to unplug
themselves from the matrix as it were and to grow as a person. I am a lot of
things, some good, some bad but I continue to grow and learn everyday. And as
much as I hate people I am willing to put stuff out there to hopefully provide
the tools someone needs to grow.

“Many people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five.”
– Benjamin Franklin