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October 13, 2012

Colin and Shire's birth story, Part 4

Part 4 - Life in the NICU

Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 if you missed them. It's a long story. If you're skipping over these Birth Story posts, I don't blame you one bit. :) I'm just telling it as it happened with the details that feel fresh this time of year. And for those who read this blog for the fun stuff, (home decorating, refinished furniture, etc), it has been a busy last few days and the garage is full of some exciting new pieces and projects!!! There will be some fun posts coming up in the next few weeks of all the goodies. :)

The babies were not allowed in
the post natal room with me, which was sad, but it also made me get up and get moving almost
immediately after the surgery. Matt came to the hospital early the next
morning, helped me into a wheel chair, and rolled me down to the NICU. First we
went to Colin’s room. I felt a huge welt in my throat when I learned our babies
were not even in the same room. When
I looked in his incubator he was sleeping and all swaddled up, (except for his right arm which was left out for an IV). That made me sad. Did
it bother him? Did he feel the IV? I got to hold him right away. I couldn’t
believe I was holding my own flesh and blood. I loved him so much. It was difficult holding him at first. For one thing, I’d never held
anything so small before. Also, he had so many cords and wires stuck on him
that were somehow hanging out of his swaddled blanket, it was awkward! We got
used to that fast, but it was tricky in the beginning. I loved holding him,
regardless. It felt right. :)

{Some kind nurses made each baby a sign for their incubator}﻿

{First time holding my son}﻿

I hated putting him back in the
incubator. Hated it.

Next we strolled on to see Shire
in the room next door. It made me happy when I realized they were right across
from each other, on opposite sides of a thick wall. There wasn’t a window or
anything, but it reassured my momma’s heart that they really weren’t very far
from each other. When I saw Shire I had so many thoughts and feelings fall over
me. First, she was beautiful. A
perfect looking baby girl with delicate, feminine features. Second, she was not
swaddled. She was hanging out naked with only a diaper on. Was she cold? This
bothered me for a week straight until she was finally allowed to be swaddled.
They couldn’t swaddle her right away because her tiny veins in her arms were
too small for the IVs, so they did something called a central line in her belly
button. They removed the umbilical cord and ran things into her belly button.
As long as she had the line in her belly button, she wasn’t allowed to be
swaddled.

Because of this central line in her belly button, we were not allowed to hold her. I had no choice but to get up out of my wheel chair, which was painful and stand by her incubator to talk to her and touch her skin. A kind nurse came up behind me and put an extra
robe over my shoulders. I had forgotten that all I was wearing was my large
undies and my hospital gown which I thought was secured in the back. It was
not. I might have been mortified if I wasn’t staring at my daughter for the
first time. It hurt my arms not to hold her.

Three days after their birth I
was released from the hospital. It was November 2, my Dad’s birthday, and
exactly one month from when I was admitted. For weeks I held onto
hope that I would get to go home, but after my babies were born and I realized they
would need to stay at the hospital for a while, leaving was the last thing I
wanted to do. The day I was scheduled to leave we waited until late in the evening so we could spend as much time as we could with our babies. I
cried saying goodbye to them, even though I knew I would return the next
morning. It didn’t feel right walking into the cold, dark November air, with
empty arms. It was the first time I’d been outside in a month. And it should
have been a joyful occasion. But joy was so lost somewhere deep inside me. I
felt heavy sadness and cried the whole way home. Actually, I cried the whole
way home and then every day and night for 3 weeks straight. I had gained 19lbs
with Colin and Shire and lost 29lbs after 2 weeks post pardum. I was so sad.

Once home, I started a schedule
that would be grueling, emotionally and physically. We thought it would be best
for Matt to go back to work right away and wait to take his time off for when
the babies were home. It seemed like the right thing. But I was still
recovering from surgery and just getting out of bed by myself hurt, let alone
the process of pumping every couple of hours. Besides the physical recovery, the loneliness and missing
my babies was overwhelming. I will never forget my Mom dropping everything during this time to come and
help me. She would prepare food and coax me to eat. She drove me every morning
to the hospital the first week since I wasn’t supposed to drive yet
post-surgery. Because of the swine flu epidemic, no one, and I mean no one was allowed into the NICU besides
Matt and me. So, my Mom would drive me to the hospital and sit in the lobby for
2 hours waiting until I was done visiting/feeding my babies, (we were limited
to one hour at a time with each child). My schedule revolved around either pumping milk or visiting my babies. I'd go by myself every morning, (once I started driving myself after the first week), and then again with Matt in the evening after we'd scarf down a quick dinner together. The first day visiting the hospital was
the worst. I walked into the NICU by myself, and went to Colin's room first. Just upon seeing Colin, I started crying. I was embarrassed. I just knelt
close to his incubator and told him I was sorry to have left him and that I
missed him.

A week went by and I felt
physically stronger. Then good news came! Shire’s nurse told us we’d be able to
hold her the next day! I was SO excited!!!! That day I put on a special dress
for Shire. It was a strapless dress so that she could feel my skin, and it had
lots of bright colors, which I thought she’d enjoy looking at. I totally forgot
about the stupid hospital gowns we were instructed to wear every time we went
to visit the babies. Ugh. I hated all the rules. But, it really didn’t matter what I was wearing, what
mattered was getting to hold our Shire Grace for the first time.

It was like
lifting air. She smiled for me and it lit up the room! Gazing at my daughter was/is like seeing my heart outside of my body. Now it was even harder to leave her
behind. She would be thriving even faster if she were home, I thought. Tomorrow is the finale to this birth story, (finally!!!) Stay tuned to find out how/when our babies come home.

2 comments:

Hi Chelsea,I have just been introduced to your blog, and these four posts about the twins have touched me in a powerful way. It is a beautiful and beautifully-written story, with many details I didn't know about. Thank you for opening your heart about this amazing experience so that others like me can get a new glimpse of God's gifts of grace, love, and joy. The pictures are incredible, too! This will be so special to share with the kids when they are older. A unique keepsake. You are a lovely writer and you make the reader feel drawn in to the experience. I cannot tell you how proud I am of you (and Matt) for so many reasons. One way God seems to use some people is in having the gift of bringing beauty to bear in an often harsh world. You have that gift of bringing beauty to bear, whether through painting furniture, writing about your life, or thoughtfulness toward others. I'm sorry this is so long, but my heart is so full! Love, Aunt Lynda

welcome

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My name is Chelsea and I'm so glad you're here! I'm a Wife, Momma, Sister, and Daughter and one of my greatest joys, besides my family, is the process of transformation. Whether I'm transforming a tired piece of furniture into something unique or an old space into something modern, the process is what lures me and this is where I share it all! Whether you've stopped by for inspiration, information, or even by accident, I hope you enjoy yourself!