Between 3 and 5 Reasons Why You (Yes You) and I Can’t Be Friends

I know you and I were friends once, and for some time I’ve been avoiding you. Here are the reasons why.

1. The Sexual TensionLet’s not kid ourselves. You’ve seen me across the room, and I’ve obviously studied your sweet rockin’ bod while you were giving the glance to that oil painting of the two horses–you know the one that looks like one of them told a heinous joke, and the other is trying its horse-hardest not to laugh. This look-but-don’t-touch relationship we’ve sewn obviously can’t progress to something real because of my rock music career, and you’re busy with that thing you do (you know the one). So it’s time we stop kidding ourselves; it’s time we acknowledge that we can’t be bff’s, and we certainly can’t be any other acronym. Frankly, the entire “we” thing just isn’t going to fly.

This one, but you knew that.

2. The Way You Treated Danbo in the Dungeon of Shnilfandel the MegadragonI’m sure you saw this coming seven leagues away, and now I’m going to put to words what you’ve known for too long. Danbo–may he rest in as many pieces as you left him–was our friend, and you just let that level 16 megadragon go to town on him. Seeing our good buddy eviscerated by the white talon of abominable Shnilfandel, I’ve never been so disgusted in a dungeon, and I crawled the labyrinth of the booty-mage. I can’t get past this experience which is unique to my time with you, and for that reason among others we cannot be super best friends that go to the mall and do hugs.

I’ve seen a lot of things, and Danbo being puréed by the bronze claws of a goofy-looking dragon is one of them.They all look like this now. You did this.

3. I Saw What You Did to My Eggs

Disgusting.

My heart, it hurts.

4. You Took My Plastic Giraffe That One Time You Were in my ApartmentListen, I could put the eggs, Danbo, and the sultry looks we share behind me, but this is absolutely unforgivable. You know I needed that giraffe, and you’re the only one that knew where I kept it. What other thief would break into an apartment brimming with the looted horde of a dragon and steal only what was under my pillow. I miss our friendship, but I miss that giraffe like a dog misses its master or a cat its food. The adventures we could have had don’t just pale in comparison to the ones I went on with my giraffe, they albino to it. You horrible goblin, you took the only thing in my life that mattered.