2. Because allergies to tree nuts are so common among children, keep your child at least 5 miles away from the following things at all times: Tree nuts, nuts, trees, trees which have been near nuts, nuts which have been near trees, squirrels carrying nuts, squirrels in trees, squirrels in trees, carrying nuts, squirrels which are neither in a tree, nor carrying nuts, people who have touched trees, people who have eaten nuts, people who have eaten trees, and anything which rhymes with tree or nut.

3. To prevent your child from being infected by germs, we suggest encasing him/her in a cube of protective, gelatinous goo.

4. ‘Regular’ toys such as dolls and action figures are gateway toys to matches and scissors so playtime is out of the question.

5. School is dangerous, so homeschool your child. That way, they will be too socially awkward to ever talk to strangers.

6. If you for some reason ignore that last advice and send your child to school, you’ll need to worry about bullying. To keep your child safe from bullies, train him/her to be the bully, that way no one will mess with them. To train them, we suggest a ‘training montage’ set to Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger.

7. As you know, any injury to your child whatsoever (even a stubbed toe) is a complete disaster. If your child appears even slightly injured, the application of bandages is in order. Don’t use store bought band-aids as those are crawling with diseases. Instead, wrap your child head to toe in home-made bandages which if you are a good parent you will already have lots of.

8. If your child coughs, sneezes, blows his/her nose or just feels under the weather, no school for the rest of the year. Maybe try again next year, but that can be risky.

9. Tetanus is always something to be concerned about. To avoid your child stepping on rusty nails, construct a pair of ‘Safety Shoes’ out of sponges for the child to wear at all times.

11. Store bought sunglasses won’t protect your child from the harsh sunlight. We recommend a strip of duct tape around the eyes, or staying inside the house. However if your lights are turned on, the strip of duct tape may still be a good idea inside the house.

12. Do not let your child do anything ever.

Follow these tips, and it’s possible your child will make it to the age of 5. Perhaps 6 or 7, but most likely 4. I’d guess 3 just to play it safe. If you don’t follow these tips, your child will probably die at around 4 months. Hey, it’s a dangerous world out there.