Post navigation

New research by MetLife shows that 25% of adults over 50 have children aged 18 or older living at home. Here are some of the other findings from the report:

43% of adults living at home pay absolutely no rent and do not contribute financially to the household in any way

Parents are spending about 3,700 pounds a year (about $6,000) to feed and house their adult children living at home

21% of parents lend money to adult children (an average of 2,600 pounds, or $4,200) even after they leave home

I’m a huge advocate for adult children making a financial contribution to the household when they live at home (I explain why in this video), so it’s troublesome to see once again that so many parents have adult children living at home absolutely rent-free.

Today, Sun News Network has published an in-depth article on how to prepare for boomerang kids to come home, based on my advice:

“There’s a fine line between helping and helping too much, at which point it becomes very easy for your adult child to become dependent on you and not develop the skills they need to become independent,” Christina Newberry of Vancouver says. She’s the founder of AdultChildrenLivingatHome.com and author of The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

If you know a family with adult children planning to move home in the new year, or where adult children are already living at home (and maybe things aren’t going as smoothly as everyone had hoped), you might be thinking about holiday gifts that could help return peace to the household. Since you’re reading this post, you may even have thought about giving a copy of The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.

You may also be feeling some hesitation, unsure how your friends or loved ones will react to the gift. Will they appreciate it? Or will it get their hackles up if you suggest they may need some help?

What I can tell you is that families who have implemented the advice in my book — and used the family contract template that’s part of the package to create a clear plan for their adult children’s stay at home — say that they have better relationships with their adult children, both during their stay at home and after they leave. Some parents have even told me the book has saved their marriage. What better gift is there than that?

If you want something to wrap and put under the tree, you can get a paperback copy of the book from Amazon (in Canada, Amazon.ca). If you’ve left your gift shopping to the last minute, you can order the eBook for an instant last-minute gift. Both the eBook and the paperback come with the family contract template and a family budget calculator.

Daisy Goodwin, a writer for the UK paper the Daily Mail, recently wrote about her experience living with her adult daughter, Ottilie, who has recently moved home. And I have to say, Daisy is doing it all wrong. Her 22-year-old daughter is walking all over her and making her miserable in her own home. Here’s what she should be doing differently:

“Even before Ottilie moved in, an email arrived laying down her rules: ‘I am not a dogwalker,’ she stressed, putting paid to my hopes of an extra pair of hands to help with my daily chores.”

I’m sorry, but Ottilie does not get to lay down these kinds of rules. She is an able-bodied adult living in her parents’ home completely rent-free. She absolutely should be a dogwalker – she just needs her mother to work up the nerve to tell her so. And she should be helping with the other chores, too.

“And the day after: ‘I think I will need a bigger bed, the one I have at the moment is for a child.’”
I know it is hard on an adult child’s self-esteem to sleep in a single bed. This is exactly what I did when I moved back in with my parents when I was going through a divorce. It was a difficult symbol to deal with, as it so clearly meant I was not operating in grown-up territory. But it would have been outrageous for me to ask may parents to buy new furniture to accommodate me, and it is outrageous that Daisy did exactly that for her daughter. An adult is absolutely capable of sleeping in a single bed!

“Then there is the matter of the family car. Every time we go out as a four, there is a moment when, instead of us both automatically climbing into our allotted seats — me in the front and her in the back — we pause. ‘Do you mind?’ I ask. She never objects, but I can see it is only a matter of time before she is asking me whether I mind going in the back with the dog.”
She may ask, but I sincerely hope Daisy never says yes, unless Ottilie is offering to help share the driving on a long trip.

“God, the mess. I am not a fanatically tidy person by any means, but my daughter is the sort of person who leaves a trail everywhere she goes. You can tell a child to tidy up their stuff but when that child is an adult it is rather different.”

It is absolutely no different when that adult is living in your home. If your adult child wants to keep her own room as a pigsty, bite your lip and just make sure she closes the door. But the rest of the house needs to be comfortable for everyone. This is why I make the distinction between house rules – which parents can and should enforce with their adult children – and life rules, which are a no-no. The short version is that rules for how adult children behave in the parents’ home are completely fair game. When they’re away from home, even if they live with you, they are adults and should be left to their own devices. With the following exception…

“Adults should be allowed to come and go as they please but, when you are lying awake at 3am straining to hear a key turn in the lock, it’s hard to remember that.”

There is no reason an adult child can’t let you know when to expect them home. I’m not a fan of curfews, but I am a BIG fan of respecting the people you live with, and not causing them to worry about you.

“Unlike, say, a paying lodger — and no, we are not charging Ottilie rent — no room in the house is sacrosanct, and despite having a perfectly nice room of her own (with a new bigger bed, as requested), she likes nothing better than to spread out on my bed, leaving a spoor of paperbacks and soya-milk cappuccinos in her wake.”
I just cannot understand why Daisy allows this. One of the most important factors when adults live together is that everyone has their own space. Those boundaries need to be established and respected. I cannot imagine ever having behaved in this way, even as a petulant teenager. To do so as an adult is inexcusable, and Daisy needs to tell Ottilie that.

This post has gone on long enough, so I’ll end it there. But parents, please, remember that your home is your home. When your adult children move back in, you need to establish boundaries and outline your expectations so that everyone can live happily together.

“The short answer is that there is no one approach that works for every family. That said, I do think it’s important for all adult children to make a regular financial contribution to the household , for a couple of reasons,” said Christina Newberry, an expert on adult children living at home. “First, it acknowledges that the parent is taking on extra costs to have them there. Second, it keeps the adult child in the mindset of having a monthly financial responsibility, which is how things will be once the adult child is out on their own. And third, it’s actually good for the adult child’s self-esteem when they feel like a contributing member of the household.”

New research shows that in the United States, it’s not just adult children moving back into their parents’ homes. In fact, families are “doubling up” in all kinds of ways — to the tune of 663,000 in-laws and other relatives moving in with family in 2013 alone.

Canadian families: A TV production company in Vancouver, BC is looking to hear from you. If you’re interested in being on TV, or just sharing your situation, you can get in contact with them at the email address below. Here’s the scoop:

A Vancouver, Canada production company wants to hear from Canadian parents of 20-something adults who have moved back home and are causing stress. They might be failing to pay rent or other expenses or do their share of the housework, not looking for work, making their parents uncomfortable by bringing home friends or partners, relying on their parents for free childcare, stealing, or dealing with substance abuse issues. All stories and names will be kept completely confidential. If interested, please send an email with a paragraph or two describing your situation to vancouverwritergirl@gmail.com. There is a potential for some assistance, financial or otherwise, to be offered at some point down the road in exchange for willingness to participate in this documentary-style TV series, but a response to this callout in no way obligates the respondent to participate.

Canadian parents are finding a way to get the adult children out of their homes — they’re willing to help adult kids with a down payment for their first homes. According to a new report from the Bank of Montreal: “On average, one third of first timers (30 per cent) expects parents or family to assist in their purchase. However, this percentage rises to 40 per cent in Montreal and Vancouver.”

Sal Guatieri, Senior Economist for BMO Capital Markets said, “High prices in a few major cities, and the fact that prices are outrunning incomes in Toronto, are turning off some first-time buyers, while forcing others to go deeper into debt, tap their parents for hefty down payments, and opt for a condo rather than a detached house.”

For context, the average first home in Canada costs $316,100. That means even a 5% down payment is almost $16,000 – a tough amount for a young person to save. So, would you help your adult kids with a down payment?

It was an honour this morning to visit the studios of CKNW 980 for a one-on-one interview with one of BC’s most respected broadcasters, Bill Good. We had a great talk about how families should prepare when adult children move back home, and we took a few calls from families dealing with this situation — including one father who said his wife has delayed retirement so they can keep paying their adult children’s rent. Yikes! If you missed the interview, click below to listen online to my interview with Bill Good on adult children living at home.

This weekend, Globe and Mail columnist Elizabeth Renzetti wrote a piece about how both parents and adult children can benefit when adult kids live at home. She said:

“It’s seen as a terrible failure that 36 per cent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 31 still live at home, the highest figure in 40 years. But when Pew Research asked them how they felt about living in the basement, 78 per cent said they were happy chez mom and dad. Interestingly, their parents were happy too: The ones who had adult kids at home were just as satisfied as those who didn’t… And look what parents get in return: companionship, affection and an antidote to loneliness, which is the true killer these days.”

It’s true that when families plan ahead, have open communication, and all get on the same page about the expectations for the adult child’s stay at home, there can be benefits for both generations. The benefits for the adult children are obvious: parents provide ongoing support, both financial and emotional.

And parents do get the companionship and affection Renzetti refers to. Even more important, they get a chance to really get to know their children as adults. The fact is that in most modern Western societies, we don’t make a lot of time for our parents once we are no longer under their roofs. Spending some time living together as adults changes the nature of the relationship between parents and their adult children, often with lasting results. Both generations get a chance to see each other as adults with real goals, dreams, and insights. Having the time to make those discoveries can be precious.

Of course, it’s not always so wonderful. If parents and kids have different expectations about anything from who does the laundry to how much the adult child should contribute financially, there’s the potential for lasting effects on the relationship that lean toward disastrous rather than delightful. Real, open, honest communication is the most important factor in just about any relationship, and that’s especially true for parents and adult children who live together.

Post navigation

Sign up now to learn the 8 Most Dangerous Mistakes Parents Make When Their Adult ChildLives at Home!

Name:

Email:

I
will never share your e-mail address with anyone.

"This book was a life saver when one of my children moved back in, after being gone for 13 yrs. It gave me great and workable ideas, which I implimented and they worked. Once in place my angry was diffused and we had a great working relationship. This child stayed with us for 1 year and 10 months and just recently move out. All on good terms. :) Highly recomment!!!!!!!!! "

~ Tina R. Dundore

"She offered clear and honest ideas for both parties to work on to make the stay as successful as possible. Christina Newberry hit on many important key points of having adult children living at home, such as the financial impact it has on parents nearing or at retirement, parents offering a comfortable environment with amenities so young adults are reluctant to leave, etc. It was very unbiased, so if parents are divided on how they feel, it has quite a fair outlook on the situation."

~ Skinny Mo

"Bought your book online yesterday. Finished it today. Have reason for renewed hope on several fronts. Thank you. I think your message and your book are on the spot."

~L.G.

"I found all of the information very helpful and may have just saved my relationship with my husband. I have set up a list of house rules that we all discussed and amended as we each saw fit and a weekly chore sheet.

I have to say it is incredibly harmonious in our household since introducing the changes - long may it continue... Thank you once again."

~ Alison

"Thanks for your sage advice on the show... You were terrific."

~ Pattie Lovett-Reid, Host of the Pattie Lovett-Reid Show

"Very well thought out material that made it easy to create a starting point for conversation and problem solving."

~ Lori V.

"I can't tell you how much we are appreciating your well though- out easy to use guidelines and contract agreement.

"Keep up your great work. You are a godsend."

~ Theresa Beauchamp

"I'm a psychologist
specializing in work with young adults and their families.
I will definitely be referring people to your site, and
will encourage them to get the book."

"I found your information invaluable helping to put some boundaries and rules in place for when my adult child and his family move in.

Some times when it is family it is very hard to step back and take an objective perspective of a family crisis like your child having problems and needing your help with out it making your relationship worse.

After reading both your report and the book I feel equiped to make things alittle easier for both of us."

- Carol

"Just read a bit about your book--very timely and supportive to lots of moms enduring this transition. I'm Referring it!"