Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Me know it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me have weakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn’t normal. Me see disapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

When me get back to apartment, after cookie binge, me can’t stand looking in mirror—fur matted with chocolate-chip smears and infested with crumbs. Me try but me never able to wash all of them out. Me don’t think me is monster. Me just furry blue person who love cookies too much. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way.

A friend a mine who had been a Mormon missionary came across this “guide,” circa 1970, on tattered photocopy.

Anyway, we were so amused by it (esp. “Suggestion 19”), thought it deserved a wider audience. (Note for the irony-challenged: even though this is “real,” it is here for the purpose of ridiculing the Mormon religion and encouraging people to stay away from it.

1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.

2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.

3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

I just remember thinking that there was no way this was happening. It was just the three of us in Seattle, which at the time was the middle of nowhere. We were basically laughing at the possibility of ever being huge. I mean, in 1995 you would’ve been hard-pressed to find anyone who thought they needed a whiter smile. And insurance plans didn’t cover that sort of thing. But then, almost overnight, we just kind of looked at each other and went, “Is this really happening?” Because suddenly, we were it.

Hrmm… If you are wondering wether the subject is real, yeah, i am too. Just can’t believe this. Even undressing can get to know yourself better. How interesting…

1) If you throw your clothes all over the place, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you. Your parents might think your room looks like a cyclone hit it? but it actually represents your happy, individualistic nature!

2) If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes her life to be very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life’s problems is to prevent them in the first place. You are a perfectionist. By nature you are quite shy. You are observant and you know more about some people than they think, just because you’ve watched them. You are dependable and sometimes intense. You think carefully before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.

3) If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are an extremely self-confident person. You are naturally bright and intellectual. You are also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and ponder the meaning of things. You hate being rushed and you do not like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

4) If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you’re worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy. You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come from your own head! Give yourself a break; you don’t have to be perfect.

5) If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace, watch, etcetera before anything else, you are a warm and sensitive person. You are considerate and thoughtful, and you give good advice to your friends. You are a natural born romantic.

6) If you don’t have an undressing routine and you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person. You enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. You are very sociable.

John Francis
Pine Tree High School
Mr. Ignazio’s Class
Immersion Journalism, Third Period

By now you’ve probably heard how I spent my Christmas break. I know, when you spoke of the importance of immersion, you were not actually advocating I go to Canada. But I believe in what you said, and I believe in what I did, and, given the choice, I would do it again. This is my story.

Most of what I knew about Canada I’d read in the news. I read it was unsafe and getting worse. I read that the American occupation was a disaster and that we were turning our neighbors to the north into a breeding ground for anti-American sentiment. I read about insurgents roaming the streets and reporters unable or unwilling to leave the safety of their hotels in the heavily secured area of downtown Toronto. And the truth is that I wanted to see for myself how bad the situation was.

You know that intersection on Campbell Station Road and Kingston Pike? On top of that hill? Well, I was driving last night, and it was raining pretty bad, and when I stopped for the red light the car behind me didn’t notice that I was slowing down … so, long story short, you and I have to report for basic training tomorrow morning.