A letter to American universities from President Trump

I would like to start off by thanking you for continuing to do such a fine job at ensuring a bright future for our incredible students. I admire the patience and dedication it must take to do the huge task that is sifting through trillions of college applications. It must be incredibly tiring.

Now, I’m not one to tell a man how to do his job, but I do have a business degree from the great Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania (by the way, Miss Amy Gutmann, if you’re reading this, please contact me about why I’ve been taken off the alumni mailing list…), and I feel compelled to share my expertise at problem-solving. Because that’s what businessmen do.

“But Mr. Trump, what problem?” you might ask.

Every year, millions of our incredible young men and women in our great nation get their dreams crushed when they find out they’ve been rejected from the colleges of their choice. Sad. Now, having never experienced any traumatic loss or heartbreak, let alone embarrassment (unlike Crooked Hillary, who I’m sure experiences it daily), I struggle to fully empathize with these students. But I’m sure they feel real bad.

A hell of a lot of the students at our fine universities are not American. I’m even sure many are illegal, but unfortunately, I wasn’t President when they were let in. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have lasted this long—I’ll tell you that. Now while some of them I assume are fine people, the majority of them are criminals. When our citizens go to college, they bring with them a hunger to learn and a goal of success. These foreigners bring drugs. And crime.

So I’m proposing a wall.

I’ll build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. I’ll build a great, great, very big wall that surrounds each college—in addition to the huge wall that, of course, will be built on our southern border. Huge. This way, those illegals who are in our great country, won’t get any grand ideas about going to school here. And don’t you worry about the cost of these walls; they’ll be paid for by Mexico. Of course, none of the Mexican students are smart enough to get into our colleges. But nonetheless.

You know, I have a great relationship with Mexicans. I have great respect for them. And they like me. And I like them. But they can go to school in Mexico.

While the advantages of this fine proposal are obvious to me, I realize that not all of you are billionaire businessmen from Ivy League Schools, so allow me to break it down for you. With the removal of those who chose not to be born here, and therefore don’t deserve the opportunity to study here, our economy will flourish.

I know it doesn't sound nice. But not everything is nice.

And while you’re at it, I’m sure you can get rid of the financial aid crap.

There will be fewer crimes on campus, which means less money spent on lawyers. Legal troubles are something that you’ll definitely want to have fewer of. Trust me, I would know.

But the most important reason why I’ve taken the time out of my busy day to write to you is because our incredible students—the pride and joy of this great nation of ours -- are the ones suffering from this offering-international-students-a-quality-education stuff you admissions officers dish out. Let me tell you, our students are not buying what you’re selling.

So again, I think it would be in your best interest to accept my wall proposal. I will remind you that we are trying to make America great again, and by allowing so many people who aren’t from America to come and steal the opportunities from Americans, we are making America worse. Worse is the opposite of great.

I will also remind you that nobody's ever been more successful than me. I'm the most successful person ever. And my IQ is the highest.

Feel free to write me with any questions. But not in the afternoon. Or the evening, for that matter. Being the President of this great nation is a lot of work, and I am extremely busy during that time—golf at three, dinner at six, and a romantic movie with my Slovenian-born wife to cap off the night.